New-York tribune., 1922-03-22
IN DESPERATION


Day BY day as We read the etiquette
book advertisements we become more
indignant and more conscious Of our
own benightcd state. It's mortifying
to realize now little we know of our
real duty toward the rest of society.
If we had to get married tomorrow
we'd have no idea at which arm Of
oar bride we'd have to stand to make
the ceremony binding. Nor can we
think what it was that the lady in the
picture did at the dance which, ac-
cording to the text, wrecked her social
future. The more we hear of what
goes on at modern dances the more
complete our bewilderment becomes.
We have no idea what we should do
when dining out if we were to drop a
spoon. If it is sterling the most
sensible expedient seems to be to kick
II under corner of the rug and sneak
back and get it afterward. Further
more, we don't know which fork to use
first, if it's the sort of party where
there are more than one. If ones
hostess has to wash her own dishes it
seems to US that it would be grace
full and thoughtful act to pick out
good, substantial fork and hang on to
it all through the meal
"Do you know demands one of the
advertisements in superior tone, chow
lettuce is eaten; how celery, olives,
asparagus and corn on the cob are
eaten?"
AS if we'd been blind and deaf all
these years. We even know how
watermelon is eaten.
Not since the saga of Mr.. Addison
Sims, of Seattle, have advertisements
so ranked in our usually placid
bosom. Their air of gentle reproof in
spires in us all manner of coarse
thoughts. Driven to desperation, we
hereby announce vociferously that it's
impossible for us to buy one of the
books, no matter how much our re-
pute as a man of the world suffers
thereby.
If we did follow the dictates of our
better nature and become the owner
Of one Of the volumes we'd have to
practice its preachments, and the sort
of friends we have might thereupon
decide that we'd better be shot and nut
out of our misery. We'd be safe only
ii we purchased one Of the books for
each of our roughneck acquaintances
and prevailed on him to study it.
There are possibilities in this solu-
tion of our trouble. Then, at each fore
gathering, referee could be chosen to
sit on the sideines of the festivities.
etiquette book in hand and call out
fouls and of-side plays. But this is i'm
practicable. In the first place we
haven't that much cash. In the second,
the referee inevitably would lose his
voice before the evening was over.
Russidn 1U0meN are pdUing foyei0u-
ers to marry them, dispatches from
Odessa sag. but our interest in the
announcement flags achen ave consider
the fact that the foreigners then hare
to feed them.
He who stands at the head Of gov
ernment may feel, as Mr. Lloyd George
insists, that the mountain peak of
fame is a chill and desolate place.
Nevertheless, it generally takes some
thing in the nature of landslide to
induce him to return to the peaceful
and sequestered valleys below.
The world is going to dry up, Will
liam Jennings Bryan proclaims. If
only he'd show his faith by his works!
Mr. Bryan by himself could not con-
vince us that humanity is back-sliding
to earlier and simpler ideals. But he
has a strong ally in the girl who quit
college to hire herself out as a cook.
+. F.. v.