davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The central record. (Lancaster, Ky.) 18??-current, 1922-09-14

STRAYED:-From my place about
the last Of August, two Buck sheep.
one sheared. Please notify this Of
Ace. OF 81
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
The TIE II
FuNNY Al 4!
nlN 7[A| /
DEscRlBEp

Il met woman named Brown
yesterday ind wondered II she was
your wife"
4 don't know Mrs. Brown--what is
she likef'
She's woman Of fifty who does
not look more than forty, imagines
she looks only thirty. dresses as IL
she were twenty and talks az il she
were ten."
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
REASON ron sLInDkEos

A Scotsman and Jew called on q
famous eye specialist. They entered
the consulting room together.
"What can / do for you7" inquired
the specialist.
"We're going blind. replied the
Scotsman, ian we thocht ye might be
able to help us WI yer skill"
''Golng blindi'' said the specialist.
"How do you account for thatf''
"Vell," responded the Jew, 'this
gentleman is my partner, and we've
been Watching Won another p--London
Tit-Bits. g,
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
So II,
SflII. Is,
-
HIS PROFESSION

She was very curious about things.
'They tell me your husband is q
hydraulic engineer" she said to her
best friend, "but / always understood
he was something in the city. ] didn't
know he was a technical expert, or
anything, wonderful like that"
"He is hydraulic engineer" said
her friend, ''but it's not wonderful.
He just waters mining stock"
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
A PERTINENT QUERY

An inspector had made a special
Visit to certain elementary school In
a big provincial town, and from his
point Of view good results had been
obtained.
"Well," he said, "is there any lad
who would like to ask me somethingY'
"Yes, sir" cried voice. What
time does your train eg-London
Tit-Bits.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
Stranae.

Teller-S0rry, but you haven't
enough money in your account to cash
this check.
Fair Customer-Thats strange.
There was enough money to cash the,
last one had, and this isn't nearly
as large.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
The Worst Ever.

SWELL" said the landlord Of the
Soakem hotel, as the guest was paying
his bill, "What do you think Of our
place as summer resort?'
I'D hate to tell you," answered the
stranger as he Rcked UP his grip.
''Even what ] think of 1t as a last
resort would not look well In print"
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
Keen Practice.

"Have you had any experience IN
salesmanshipi' asked sales manager
of college graduate applying for q
job.
"Oh yes" replied the other confident
ly. 81 assisted for two years in sell
ing the seats for the Yale-Harvard
football game" - American Legion
Weekly.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
GAVE rAE RIGHT NAmx

Tom and his little brother. Jack,
we're new pupils. and the master was
Lbout 10 enter their names upon his
register
"Now, my lad" he said turning to
Tom, what Is your name2"
"Tom, sir" was the reply
"You should say Thomas, my boy, y
said the master "And what ID your
brothers nameT'
"Jackass," replied Tom.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23

The masked gentleman with the gun
stuck it gently, but firmly, into the
chest Of the respectable citizen out
late, and remarked:
Pardon me, sir, but would you
mind lending me your watch and
pocketb0ok until I come back this
way?'
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
We Can't See This. Either.

"Pa," said Clarence.
BE careful, young man, I'm in no
humor for foolisbness," warned his
dad.
"WelL' grinned Clarence, Il just
wanted to ask you If, when an eye
tooth got old, you had to buy glasses
for It."
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
The iIsual Prncedurs.

"My book was failure" lamented
the young author.
'Don't be discouraged" said the
more experienced novelist. Hire a
press agent to spread the tidings
around that your book was too deep
for the masses. Then go on the lee
ture platform and collect $500 a
night"
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
Moth.r,s Rra,k

Little Girl (before statue in mu-
seum9 Mamma, who's this?
Attendant (after pause)--That's
Mercury, the messenger Of the gods.
You have read about him, no doubt.
Mother-of course she has. But, do
you know, my little girl has such
very poor memory for Scripture.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
Postal Relliusr.nex.

TIN going TO write scorching let
ter to my landlord" remarked Mr.. Jib-
way.
"If you want to call him hard names
why don't you talk to him face to
face, like man?'
II can't make his weight. but I'll
send the letter by special delivery to
show him I'm in earnest"
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
The Situation.

"The new generation amt respect.
full to old folks.n
"Doa't be foolish. There aren't any
old folks now"
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
The OriclnaI Touch.

Authorlat private film exhibition)-
That's quite an original plot. When
are you showing me the film of my
book?
Film .Magnate--Youve just-seen it.
London Punch.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
The Bod In pickle.

II am thankful to my dear friend,
the policeman, for saving me from
getting into further trouble" OBJ
served man charged at Thames po-
lice court.
Maglstrate-If you're married the
real trodLie will start when you get
home,
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
The pIvidlno Line.

Hubby (driving the carl II wish you
would sit up here in the front seat
with me.
Wife (seated In tonneau) Are y0E
ashamed for people to know we are
married?
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
so
SflI[, Is
MUCH MORE TO LEARN

"You seem to have confidence In
your broker"
"When man tells me Zero oil is
going up and Zero oil does go up, why
shouldn't have confidence in him?"
How long have You known the fell
lew?"
1.-TWO days"
K Your education has just begun"
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
The Rub.

"You say your wife has received an
anonymous letter informing her Of
something you did before your mar
riage? Well, the best thing you can
do is to confess"
II know, but she won't let me read
the letter, and don't know what to
confess"
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
Polite but Inquisltive.

Host-Those, my dear. are my great
aunt and uncle.
Small Guest-I suppose they are
dead?
HoSt-Yes.
Small Guest tafter pause) May I
ask whether they died of illness or old
esS?-London Punch.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
wulino to oblioe.

'Tm sorry, but really can't find 1
place for you."
"But, senator, can't go back to my
home town and tell the people there.
I failed to land q government job
"In that case, shall pas your rail-
road fare to some other poiit1'
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
AM Exnensive Favor.

Justwedd-We'll have to get re-
figerator; it will save us money.
Mrs. Justwedd-H SO, dear?
Justwedd--l notice that every time
you cool watermelon in Mrs. Mex
doors ice chest you give her half.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
Safe Waters.

First Angler-This paper reports AM
other case of bather being bitten by|
a fish.
Second Angler (after blank day.
All. well. 1t would be safe enough
bathing herel
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
The Obvious Gesture.

''1f you We're suddenly informed by
a lawyer that you had fallen heir to a
million dollars, what would you do?''
"rd call for stimulant," replied
the impecunious citizen. do you
think I'm made of cast iron?"
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23

swell, did you collect that bill from
the Scatterbys?"
"No. SIR" said the new collector.
Il saw piece Of crepe on their door
and I didn't want to intrude on their
grief"
you 60 right back there and get
the money. Those people hang
piece Of crepe ON their door on the
first Of every month";
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
Fees in Prosnect.

"Was your church bazaar success,
dear?"
"Yes, indeed. The minister will have
cause to be grateful"
'What were the profits?'
'Oh, there weren't any. In fact the
expenses were greater than the re-
ceipts. But ten of us girls got en-
gagged"
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23

Gibson--Why don't you take your
wife to a girl and music show2
Crabson-I don't dare. If do and
show much interest she will suspect
me and If assume fed up" ex-
preston she will think l attend regu-
larly and divorce me.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
counteracted.

"rm surprised to hear Maude Is mar
ried. She once told me that she would
never promise to obey any man.
"Oh. she got around that by making
the bridegroom promise never to com.
mand. d.r--Boston Transcript.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
What,s 4 Home NoWadaysf

"We want to buy bungalow"
eyes, sir. I'll take you and the lady
out to see one."
"oh, anything you happen to have
on hand will do"
"But sir"
at isn't as If we were buying car.
you know"
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
Money Worries.

Mrs, Smith and Mrs. Jones were dis
cusslng the affairs Of a neighboring
household and Mrs. Smith said:
"Mr. Robinson Is greatly worried
about the money market"
And" added Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Rob
inson is greatly worried about the
market money.'-Everybody's Maga-
zine.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
BY LOW. sal Hinhi

Mr. Eichenstein returned home from
his business and found his wife rock
ing the baby and singing "by-low.
baby, sby-low; by-low, baby, by
low"
Dots right, Sarah; you teach him
to buy low and I'll teach him to sell
high. - Eyerybody's.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
Brief Acnuaintance.

my dear, who is that man staring
at your"
HE was my husband once. You
are not jealous. l nopeS"
Certainly not. can tell by his
puzzled look that he can't quite place
you"
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
Considering Health.

"You insist on shaking hands with
as many of your constituents as pos
slble?"
"Yes," answered Senator Sorghum.
campaigning interrupts my golf and
need the physical exercise. ."-Wash-
ington Star.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
Same Effect.

Visitor-You must have been VISIT
ed by a bad hurricane from the ap-
pearance of your building.
Farmer--No; rented my farm last
month to a movie concern to make a
five-ree1 comedy.-Film Fun
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
Cooks Consolation.

The mistress, showing the new cook
round the kitchen, excused the alb
en~e Of silver entree dishes with the
remark that burglars had recently ran
sacked the place.
"Oh, well, num-" said the cook, "bur-
glars must live, mustn't they?"
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
Nice Hint for Father.

1t was the beginning Of the wedding
trip. "Dear," the bride inquired anx'
iousIy, ain the excitement Of leaving
/. did you say good-by to papa and
mamma?'
"No," he said, II said 'Au revolr.' !
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
The Better Way.

He-That young one with It's cry
ing will drive me crazy yet Can't you
get him quiet?
She-I'll try singing to him.
He-Oh, never mind; Better let him
cryi-London Answers.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
She Is.

'sHow do you and your wife get
along so nicely, JoeT
Il always let her think she Is hav-
ing her own way"
"But how do you manage to delude
herT'
81 don't"
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
Sample Of Sweets,

"Save me sample Of everything
the patient tazes,s directed the young
doctor.
"IIe took kiss this morning." fall
tered the pretty nurse.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
eutter THAT Lasts.

The Grocer-Yes'm, you'll find this
butter would be cheap at twice the
money.
Mrs. Borden Lodge--Yes; know II
would. I've used 1t before and my
boarders eat hardly any Of it.-Lon-
don Answers.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
In the Movies.

swell, see one Of our siperstatS
has written his own play, does his
own advertising and takes all the
parts"
Il have been advocating that for
years"
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
YES AND NO

His Wife: Young Mr.. Everbroke
always seems 30 shy and dlffident,
don't you think sof"
Mr.. MuItlrox: Well, he's always
shy on cash but he never seems at
oil dIfsldent abous making touch.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
An Honorable peqree.

Said the friend to the proud father
Of a college graduate who had just
been awarded an A. NJ. degree:
II suppose Robert will be looking
for Phi. d. nextY'
"No. he will he looking for a J. o.
B."-The Christian Evangelist (St
Louis).
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
t, Mum.

Bills It possible to confide q Sc
cret In you?
Phil-Certainly. Iwill be as silent
as the grave.
Bill-Well, then. I have pressing
need for two bucks.
Phil-Worry not my friend. 1t is,
as IL / had heard nothing. ng.-American
Legion Weekly.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
Roth RlameIsss.

'Tf the operation hurts you, don't
blame me, but blame your nerves.
"And II I hit you on the nose when
It Is over, don't blame me, but blame
my tooth" Munich Meggendorffer
Batter.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
Tho Irish o's.

Among the questions that young
Malachi recently put to his father was
dis:
dad, was time invented in Ire
iand?"
what an idea Why did you askT
"Eecause it Is spelled O'Clock"
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
More pressy.

She-So you've been to Palm Beach.
Isn't 1t lovely there? A perfect Gar.
den of Eden
He-yes, but--er-a triae more
dressy, don'tVou thinki
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
Choice Of Two Evils.

Mr.. Crabshaw-What is that hOr-
rible smell?
Mrs. Crabshaw-Its either the cook
smuggling the chicken or daughter
smoking her favorite brand Of ciga-
rettes.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
Tho Farmers Advantaae.

"YOu cut face in pumpkin to
make Halloween decoration"
"You do" said Farmer Corntossel
IF you can afford the pumpkin. If
you live in town, you have to use some
kind of paper imitation. Washington
Star.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
couIdn,t Understand II.

Doctor-Tm sorry to say that your
husband has pleurisy in it's worst
form
Mrs. Newrieh--I can't understand
that. We are certainly rich enough
to afford the best there is.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
The Pest.

North-Dobbs had very narrow es.
cape, but he lived to tell the tale.
West-And that seems to be all be
lived fort
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
No Motor Cars Then.

SIN trying to learn a new word
every day"
"Well?"
"What does 'peripatetic mean?"
'"The adjective means walking
about: the noun one who walks about"
"a pedestrian, eh?'
"Yes, but pedestrianism was safer
when that word first came into USE"
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
Good Business.

IF you can sell more cars thaa
you can get why do You employ sales
meni'
1--WE need few bright young men
to jolly customers who are standing
In line"
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
IN a Different Sense.

II fiatter myself you will like this
article" said the would-be contributor.
"That's a fact" returned the editor.
glancing over the first few lines.
you do like 1t, thenf"
'No, I mean it's a fact that you
f1atter yourself"
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
BrainIess BERTHE.

Daughter-But papa, don't you
think Berthe is old enough TO know his
own mind?
Father-He ought to get acquainted
with what little he has In no time at
ALL
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
Would Change THINGS

"The great duke Of Guise was proud
to be known AS The Scared"
aRather risky title"
"How SOP
"Any printer might drop one r."
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
ThA Perfect Recomnense.

Elderly Aliss-Sir, you have saved
my life. How can I ever show my
gratitudei Are you plarried?
Rescuer Yes; you might come and
be a cook for us.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
A Large Order.

VI want a dress to put on around the
house." said the lady in the depart.
ment store.
"How large is your house, madamf'
inquired the new clerk. k.-HOllywooe
High School News.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
a Hen.Pecked Bird.

whats Henpeck feeling SO cheer
full abouti"'
"He's found someone worse of thar
he; he's Just read that the male os
trich matches the eggs"
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
Fathers snappy style.

The minister had just finished ask.
ting the blessing when Dicky remarked,
"You don't pray like daddy
''Indeedw said the minister. "Whyf'
"Well," said Dicky, last night when
daddy sat down to the table he Just
said, good Lord, what support"
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23

+ saw nobody but strnngcrs at your
party, Stellar
II gave thar party TO get even with
my friends, yanessar.s
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
A WaY Out.

Hub with newspaper)-I see q
Judge has ruled that woman should
not spend more on clothes than for
rent.
Wife--Well, then, we shall have to
pay q bigger rent.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
Eccentric.

There was a famous ath-a-lete,
Eccentric sort of NOPE.
He did not fill the sporting sheet
With autumn baseball dope.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
A Stranger.

"CaD you vouch for this young man
you brought to my party:"
II think so, but why? Surely he
has not proposed to your daughter so
soon?'
mo, but he wants to give me a 81
check to cover his losses at bridge"
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23

Griggs--1sn't Johnsen's light.haired
wife rather an expensive proposition:
Briggs should say so. Hs calle
her his blended Indebtedness.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
Couldn't Be Literature.

"You were not very complimentary
In speaking OF Scribson's new book"
"Didn't l say 1t would sell by the
trainloadf"
"Thats just the point I'm making
Birmingham Age-Herald.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
corrected.

Tiles a gent of the old SCHOOL,
Pardon me, YOU mean gentleman
There are no gents in the old schools
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
Domestic.

"For heavens sake, John, why are
you spanking the babyf What has he
done2"
Nothing, furs know, Mary; but !
gotta do something t. keep him re-
minded who am around here"
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23

APPROACHING THE SHELF
"Maud Derby interests herself too
much In other peoples affairs"
+Indeed she does. Why, she never
hears of transaction involving an
engagement ring without wishing
she had ringer In It."
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
They Sometimes Do.

Hasn't my fiancee delightful baby
voice2"
II dunno, Algy, ] heard her talking
bass to her mother just now"
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
Somewhat Embarrassed.

The detective dropped d photograph.
"Where is flat scoundrel wanted III
asked a friend.
'.Um. 1haf IS my identifca -
rard. TouisyiIle Courler-JouFngT
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
h.cbody pleased.

4When Mr.. WadTelgh hands out
107cest tlp he grulnbles about Il for
the naxt haif tour,
$50 toas Tie recipient" AZ
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
veranda Chat.

"He got his wife out of a department.
store"
"she looks as If she came from the
remnant counter"
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
standa Alone.

''Pm an old fool he exclaimed.
ARD as proud as can be,
Because IL the saying 10 true,
There lie no one like me-"
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
Dodping Insurance.

"Now is the time TO get your life In
sured, young man. The longer you de-
lay it, the higher your premiums will
be-"
Il know that, but the longer l wait.
the fewer premiums Will have to
pay."-Judge.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
Maraery's Help.

"No, darling, l can't let you help
me wipe the dishes, you break too
many of them"
"But. mamma, that's help, for you
don't have SO many to wash next
time."
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
Ears Probably Closed Also.

Mrs. Judd-Science tells us now that
we hear much better with our eyes
closed.
Mr.. Judd-Yes. I noticed quite a
number trying the experiment last
Sunday evening in church.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
AN UNDERGRADUATE

AN UNDERGRADUATE
Mr.. Grounding: Here's my apart
raent. Rather stiff elimb-four flights
up.
Mr.. Wlnaer, the Aviator: Calt
these flishts7 Guess you must st'si
be In the ground school.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
Autonatic Fnler Needed.

!. Podunk Pete Cat store)-This here
fountain pen is no good. All Of a
sudden II wouldn't write no more.
Clerk-Haye you filed 1t?
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
Did Then.

Barlow is very selfish. I've never
known him to show an attachment
for anyone but himself in his life"
Il have"
"When?'
When he was serving his term as
sheriff"
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
MIGHT BE

He: My college course cost mo
an enormous sum.
She: | suppose you had to brlbs
the professor to pass you.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
So Many Of I'm arc,

SO you saw the film version 81
your story. What do yon think Of itr
ats no vei sions' rs a lietger.ion.' Z
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
You Don't Seiuhl

'Td like to marry you," said Mabe
Feigh,
For you have such pleasant weigh;
But you. I fear. get very little peigh.
And so I'll have to tell you neigh"
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
A NEW REMEDY

Crane: What the ---7
Ostrich: S.s-sh, It's the latest way
to keep a cold In the head, from set;
tIing down on the chest.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
A Laundry Boss.

Judge-What's your occupation?
Rastus-Tse business man, yo'
honor. Fse manager of family
laundry.
Judge-What's the name Of that
laundry?
Rastus-De name Of de laundry is
Liza, yO' honor.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
Muslnrs Of ! Motor Cor.

Sweet Gladys Green has quit this scene,
We learn it with regret
che stood next to the gasoline
And lit cigarette
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
Exemplary.

As model OF social politeness.
Take the echo-it beats us all.
You never heard of an echo
That failed to return ones call
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
Musinos Of a Motor Con

Musings Of Motor Cop.
Hortense Magee. you always heed
The frivolous publications;
I wish your taste led you to read
The traffic regulations.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23

THE MYSTERY OF lT
Mary-Does your husband enjoy
golf?
Alice-Yes, but can't understand
why. He gets SO mad at himself
eyerytime he plays 1t.
Rockingham post-dispatch., 1922-11-23
oh NV
"You say your sister ls out7 Whe
will she be ln7"
~ soon az she sees you Go.S

On Easy Street.
You'll never live
On easy street
Until you learn
To make ends meet.
The West Virginian. [volume] (Fairmont, W. Va.) 1914-1974, 1922-02-16
APPOINTMENTS
HEREAPPROVED

BY CHARLES BROOKS SMITH.
/ WASHINGTON, Feb. 16. - The
nomination Of Mazella E. Barto to
DO postmaster. q Fairyiew, W. Va.
has been confirmed by the senate.
Appointments recommended by
Congressman Benjamin L. Rosen.
bloom and approved by the fourth
assistant postmaster general in.
clude the following rural carriers.
Raymond Bonar, Cameron; Paul
Starkey, Paul z. Duncan and Ira c.
shatfcr, Warrington; Corbly King,
Pennington; Frank L. Bowman,
Worthington; William 3. Michael,
Ryesville: Thomas f. McDougal.
John W. Shaver and Clyde Z. snod.
erly, Fairmont.
a recommendation TO transfer
Greed B. Collins from the railway
mail service 10 the position OF su.
perlntondent Of mails Of Fairmou
has also been approved by tho post.
office department.
Among the examinations ordered
by the pension bureau Is that Of
Charles H. Payne, OF Fairmont, who
has a claim pending at the bureau.
At the request OF the members
otthe 6. A. r. OF Warrington, Con.
gresham Rosenblooh recommend.
ed the appointment OF Dr.. Frank E.
Flowers as member OF tho exam.
lining board Of pensions at MannIhg.
ton.