The Wrangell sentinel., 1922-05-04

course, you want to put coat of your liquid porcelain on it, as measure of economy but, like all your retrench- ment schemes, it would be a flzzle. The porcelain would never dry, and the first time I took a bath I'd get my person covered with 1t and would have to go to the taxidermist for relief.
 'Last summer you had another great scheme for saving our hard-earned doubloons. You painted the lawn swing and never said a word to me about it. After dark, took seat in the swing, to rest my weary bones, and when I wanted to leave it, I found l couldn't. I stuck to that swing like two-cent stamp to dunning letter. The neighbors had to come over and pry me loose with spades and things before I could get away. My ralment was ruined, and 1t was a suit l had worn only three seasons. You ex- plained to me afterward that you thought you'd be saving money by painting the swing yourself. Your pas sionate fondness for the kind of ecOno- my that involves spending money has brought these gray hairs to my side boards and made me old before my time.
 "There's only one reliable way to save money, Mrs. Jamesworthy. Salt 1t down. Put it in tin can and solder the lid down tight. If you go to the I,.rInu ct, and hardware men, and ask them how to economize, they'll try to sell you something that will put you in Easy street. l don't blame them for it. They are in busi- ness for the purpose of selling things, but no sane woman would accept any one of them as her guide, philosopher and friend, in matters of retrench- ment.
 Tt was the druggist who sold you five gallons of his patent disinfectant, telling you that you might save vast sums of money by having 1t on hand. There was a contagious disease in town then, and the druggist pointed out that people who had the disease were almost bankrupted by the ex- pense. In case the disease was head ed in our direction, all we had to do was to use this disinfectant and we'd be immune. The disgusted malady would turn in Its tracks and hike away in some other direction.
 "Of course, having the disinfectant on hand, we were suffering to use 1t, and when you heard that man in the neighborhood had the heaveS you con- cluded it was time to get busy. You sprayed the house with the stuff, and you know what happened then. We had to borrow tent and camp out on the lawn for a week. The aroma in festing the house was so strong that the clock stopped and all our priceless oil paintings turned black.
 Nobody could enter the house with out wearing a sack over his head. It rained all the time we were camped on the lawn, and we all caught the champion colds of our lives. It was a week of unadulterated misery, and ii was the result of your determination to save money by every expensive means. The only comfort or pleasure got out of the whole business was de- rived from twisting the druggists nose and telling him what I thought of him.
 ''The grocer told you last fall that you might save fabulous sums by buy ing several bushels of tomatoes, and eight dozen glass jars, and endless quantities of spices and vinegar, and making your own ketchup. You made it, Mrs. Jamesworthy, and it all spoil ed. We buried it darkly at dead of night, the sods with our bayonets turn ing.,."
 You think you're smart. don't you?" innuired Mrs IampSWnrfhy nptnlantlY