The Hays free press. [volume] (Hays, Kan.) 1908-1924, 1922-04-13
JONES-HE PAYS THE FREIGHT
By NJ. H. j.

JoNEs-HE PAYS THE FREIGHT
By NJ. H. ].
Jones subscribed 500 to the
church building fund, and when the
collector came round, he gave his
check for the amount; but that don't
let Jones out and he kicks. The /
Ladies Aid has guaranteed $4,000 to |
the fund and are busy garnering the
wherewithal; they make daily orders
10 the Grocer for flour, sugar, choc-
olate and all the component parts of
the things that tempt the palate and
Improvise home facories for distilling
angel cake, pies, fudge, ct Get, and
at the end of the month Jones'
gTocer's bill has overfowed by ten
dollars the usual amount; and there
r. are twelve months in the year. which
Will swell the bill to $12O and on top
OF that Jones is persuaded to visit
church banquet monthly, during the
year, and cast into the treasury fifty
cents, which really makes Jones a
liberal supporter of all the church
enterprises. Now, this is all right
and 1 say, Bully for Jones. The
ladies' scheme to get Jones' liberal
support on the installment plan is
true to commercial genius, is worthy
Of all commendation, and prevails
everywhere in this blessed year of
the freight.
10000
A banquet? bless me, yes; let's.
have a banquet, where we can get
some sandwiches; heavens! how hun
cry / am! and there hasn't been a
banquet in Hays for so long; come
on, let's go to the banquet and feed.
What are you in this world for any
way? Slip into your Mother Hub
bard and let's away! Seems so
strange that all the banquets should
miss Hays, and she skipped out for
fear the other girl should steal her
beau.
I have attended banquets on the
yellow clay of Mississippi; among the
cedar clumps of Tennessee; in the
Diney woods of Georgia; on the red
hills of South Carolina, and in tur-
pentine groves of the old tar-heel
state. The indestructable pine knots
the skeletons of ancient pine for.
esos-wlth these we built our fires
and our imprOvised forest kitchen
ranges, and the heat poured forth
seven times hotter than Satan ever
dreamed of, and the black sootv
smoke rose up in our faces till they
were blacker'n the Senegambian's
own; made coffee in an old tomato
can with scrap-wire bail; fried sow
belly on the point of stick, softened
hardtack in water and fried it in
grease
Hunger is the best sauce and
there's where we forged ahead in the
game; we defed all the rules of diges-
tion; made a virtue of necessity; and
never heard of a case of dyspepsia in
the army; our coffee was as strong as
I've; the sowbelly- tough and vener-
able, the hardtack granite enough to
break a fast and your teeth; but we
sorged ourselves and smiled a smile
as broad as a big sunflower.
If you want to keep man in
health, give him gun, a uniform and
an enemy to shoot at, and the min
ute he touches the ground he'll be
asleep and be up in the morning with
the bullfrogs, beaming and happy
and off on the days march of thirty
miles.
Uncle Sam will get into a scrap
again some day-can't get along
without it; volunteer and fight like
the devil and live forever-that's the
kinds of banquets I indulged in for
upwards of four years.
10000
While our European confederates
are sucking the German orange,
Uncle Sam has put in claim for
$241, ZOO. 900 for the banquet his
boys enjoyed on the Rhine.
Buttermilk Is a true peptonoide; it
IS good for the gray matter in the
cerebelum; will put pep in the legs
and money in the pocket; one quart
after each meal if you want to sue
ceed in the exams at the Normal or
run for the presidency.
10000
Forty wears ago this month of