davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1922-08-27

II am what is known as . Pro
fessional Best Man." began the
next Speaker. my Job II to get
behind the Terrified Boob who has
decided to take q Chance, and push
him across the Line. Speaking
from long Experience. I want to
warn you that the Dry Wedding
is going to increase the Horrors OF
Getting Yoked. In the old Days,
the Groom would pass away about
two Days before the Ceremony,
while surrounded by his Bachelor
Friends, and remain In Coma dur
ing the Ordeal. When he finally
opened his Eyes, he would find
Petty applying Cold Towels to the
feverish Egg and saying: Come
to. Deariei It's all over now. and
here we are In Atlantic Cityr
RACE SUICIDE FORETOLD.
Now II II proposed that the poor
ooof shall 90 through the Barrase
with nothing under the Belt except
Anilins Punch. I don't think the
average Male 10 equal to Il. He
viii probably Welsh. The result
will be . gradual Decrease IN the
number of Marriages and ultimate
Raoe Suicide"
After the Hand-C -Clappins had
subsidized. there arose . stoiidiook.
Ing person Of Ruddy Hue whose
Cenk had never rot that way
through the use Of Lemon Phcs,
phate,
81 fear am somewhat cut Of
place In this disinterested Gather
Ing" he said. because have a
lewdown Confession to make. Your
unols Dudley n sess en- the 1sth
The Washington times., 1922-08-27
HEARD AND SEEN :.
MENTAL .VITAMINES.

The failures I'm life who would
find themselves must first find the
faith they have lost In themselves.
Today Is that tomorrow when
you. were going to do 1t.
The biggest mistake we can ever
make Is to believe that we can
make none.
II everybody were more sincere
this old world would be less sim
scared.
Sophistication is o fine art, but
. poor substitute for common
sense.
The helping hand never points
the finger Of scOrn.
Never ridicule the imperfections
you discover In others. They can
not help being imperfect any more
than YOU can.
The ladder Of success Is an eI-
tension ladder.
When going from bad to worse,
''better late than never" Is poor
motto.
Rainstorms have caused not
nearly SO much affliction rs BRAIN
storms.
The past that is behind o man
at forty Is the future that was be-
fore him at twenty.
FRED SCHwAB.
The Washington times., 1922-08-27

Heavens would open and an Angel,
all clad In White, would descent
and hand him q bottle Of Bass
Ale.
Therefore he Joined with many
others in signing a Paper which
called for q Mass Meeting and q
lining-up Of those who believed
that every Man had q right to de-
eide whether he would merely stir
It with a Long Spoon or put It in
the Shaker.
There was quite q Turnout and
many a Tale of Woe.
The Chairman, In his Opening
Remarks, said that the Main Issue
was not revival Of the Old Query,
"Is Alcohol a Food or merely the
preliminary to Rough House7"
He doubted II many of the Rep
resentative Citizens In front Of
him had been Slaves Of the Habit
Applause). "a Voice: ''Not Slaves
merely Playmates.')
The next speaker construed Re.
cent Legislation a. an irreparabls
Injury to the English Vocabulary
and Standard Fiction. For ton
Centuries tho Anglo -saxons had
iaboriousiy built up their Lexicon,
. word at q time, and had gar.
nered q priceless Treasury Of Song
and Story. For generations the
principal Indoor Sport Of the Eng
iish- Speaking Peoples had been
that Of sitting up to the Table to
get somewhat piastered. II the
18th Amendment remained on the
Books, hundreds Of words now in
the Dictionary would automati,
caily become Obsolete, Nearly all
Of the Authors from shaksspsaps
The Washington times., 1922-08-27

to Dickens would have to be taken
from the Libraries, for they ex-
tolled and glorified a Practice
which now calls for a Jail Sen.
tence. Otherwise, coming Genera
tions would constantly be fed upon
the Propaganda that Sparkling
Wine is a Boon Companion in
stead Of Q Deadly Toxin. There
fore, he dared to raise his Voice,
not on behalf of the Distillers and
Brewers, but as one who would
preserve a valuable Heritage.
The foregoing was New Stuff
to many Of the Vets. but It was
aimed In the right Direction and
got q loud Hand.
Just to give q Line on how q
vicious Piece of Law-Making will
strike out in all Directions. certain
Testimony was offered by q Tall
Person with rubber-tired Glasses.
introduced as Q famous After-Din-
ner Comic.
THE 1.-TWO IRIsHMEN" STORY.
"You may think that the Bar.
keepers got Il worse than anyone
else" he began, but tho recent
Calamity put . lot moro of us on
the Tobos. Just before the
Atrocity was perpetrated, I ap.
peared as Head.Liner at the an,
nuai Bust.out Of the Fish and
Oyster Association, It was q
BearI They eheered me before I
said q Word, The Dialect went
big. Every Aneodots q shrek,
Then, after the kidding Stuff, a
little sure-fire Gravy about the
Old Flas, All Of them up, waving
Napkins, Many ef them wsepiRs.
The Washington times., 1922-08-27
THE FAMILY ALBUM

bike out for a Sunday holiday until
Uncle had a bright financial idea.
He promised the repair man the
eight dollars and gave him his
I. o. U. for the sixty cents.
The I. o. U. was due In three
months, and in about two years
a very sensitive man about his
debts and his word was as good as
his syllables. 1t was a common
proverb around our village that
Uncle would pay q debt II 1t took
q lifetime.
Pretty soon, tho repair man
The Washington times., 1922-08-27
THE FABLE OF THE WHALING i'm THE DESERT

dercurrent Of Sentiment favored
q certain Light Wine made in Scot
land and favored with Smoke.
Finally. the Regulars felt them
selves pushed to the Verge of
Desperation and were ready to
compromise on any Potion that
would move around after being
taken. instead Of lying quiet.
They decided to Organize and
put UP q Battle.
II L. not on Record that the
South made any Headway after
the Civil War in getting the Slaves
back to the Quarters.
Also. History tells US that Just
after Charles the First was de-
capitated, he remarked sadly,
ITS all off," and made no at
tempt to replace his Head.
furthermore. II IL related that
Caesar said, Just as the third
Dagger passed neatly between the
Ribs. TT IL evident to me that
they are not playing Tag"
INDOOR SPORT.
But the poor Dill-Don who was
being burned up with Memories
Of moist Afternons At the Club, and
whose Heart broke every time he
recalled that Hais q Hais was onoe
t1.aS, and whose Tonsiis were
parched, and whose Tummy
looked up At him pleadingiy-hs
was not warned by the examples
OF History or guided by the Rules
Of Logic,
He continued to staggsr across
the burning Sands, sustained by
tho reckless Hope that msbbs ths
The Washington times., 1922-08-27
MANS TROUBLES
ON THIS EARTH.

When man first comes into this
world everybody wants to kiss him.
Before he goes out, everybody
wants to kick him.
He comes In without his consent
and goes out aginst his will.
When In infancy he Is an angel,
In his boyhod he Is devil, and In
his mankod he II everything from
q lizard up.
II he raises q family he is .
chump; II he raises . check he is
. thief.
II he IL poor, he has no sense; II
rich, he h dishonest.
II he goes to church, he II .
hypocrfte; II he stays away, he is q
sinner; II he donates to foreign mis-
sions, de does IL for show; II he
doesn't, he is stingy and and tight
wad.
II he dies young, there Is a great
future before him; II he lives TO q
ripe old age, he Il living to save
funeral expenses. CUPIE.
The Washington times., 1922-08-27
MARRIAGE AND CHILDREN.

Some funny things happen in life.
And you notice them on every
side.
There's one to me that's q scream,
It almost splits my side.
I refer to frequent advice on
marriage
Given by bachelors and old
maids,
Who think they know all about
They can give you cards and
spades
And in the raising of children.
Obi boy they surely know II all.
They tell you how 1t should be
And are sore II for It you don't
There isn't an old maid living
Who can't tell you what she
would do
II she had charge OF your children,
Your way is all wrong-yes, you'll
AUNT MARTHA.
The Washington times., 1922-08-27
LEARNING TO DANCE.

As we go through town we see
many signs of dancing taught, but
we'll bet that few. If any. Of these
modern dancing teachers know the
lines of that jolly old song:
.One, two, three, balance like me;
You are a fairy but you have
your faults.
Your right foot Is lazy, your left
one Is crazy,
But don't be uneasy, I'll learn
you to waltz"
TWO-STEP TOM.
The Washington times., 1922-08-27

A good many Of the Bibbers and
Blotters had the Scare thrown into
them long before the awful Blow
off. but how could they form for
an Interference7
Nearly all Of the Drinkers, even
those Of the most sincere and two
handed variety. regarded Grog as
a Side-Line and not their regular
Business.
They were In favor Of some one
getting out an Injunction. but
they themselves, personally, did
not fancy the Idea Of lining up in
Public with the beetle-browed
Bouncers who stopped It out In the
Dumps, and the lily.fingered
Wholesalers who prune-juiced
their Poisons.
They stood aside all during the
yelping Warfare between the
water-Spaniels and the Rum
Hounds.
They retained their Dignity az
Innocent Bystanders until told
that they would have to Keep
House without the assistance Of
Plymouth, Gordon, Old Tom, or
Vermouth. and then they began to
act Loco.
Freedom shrieked when Mara.
schino fell.
Little knots Of Men gathered IN
Side Roons and said. in all seri.
BUSINESS, They have done II 10 US,
but they mustn't"
They had a fierce Tims trying 70
abolish the Past Tense.
No use omsthing had
to be puiledi
There was occasional Mention Of
Beers and Light WinsA The Un-
The Washington times., 1922-08-27
BY "BUGS" BAER

and him were Joined in sacred
bonds Of bankruptcy and let no
man put them asumder.
Anyway, nobody ever collected
anything from Uncle except a ster-
ling request for a chew of tobacco.
He must have been right, be-
cause he got the same kind Of a
sermon that they preach over hon
est men. and II the epitaph on his
tombstone has any collateral in
heaven. Uncle Is twanging pearly
promises on q golden I. o. u.
Good-by. and don't forget to let
US know when you get sick.
Copyright 1891. By Star Company
The Washington times., 1922-08-27

THAT amt no I. o. o. That's
I. o. Useless" said the bike man
in a voice that suggested q forci-
BILE graduation from the school Of
elocution and parlor manners.
IT'S as good as your REPAIRS"
spoke up Uncle In q lumber-saw-
ing tenor.
Patches are patches" said the
bike man.
"An right, I'll pay you off in
crazy quilts" said Uncle, who was
so frightened he wished he had
one to hide under. Uncle scared
very easy. and those scars on his
toupee are when he was out in a
The Washington times., 1922-08-27
WoRD PUZzLERS.

"isa Sss ss u. si.rsi q q PEA !. .a... s.s
One fowl !. . soo.s. but s~s .r. o.n-
But the plural Of nsuss should
never be meess.
II the plural sf man b sfwsys called
why :heqId.r ths pisr., Of 20. Be
Tho, We may have . seoth. . sss 10
The S'Is S'SIcssriS S. :. both CO. never be
The plural Of cow may bs oews or
But ts. plural Of vow Is vows. never
II t.s aasal.r' this and the plural Is
why esnnct the plural Of kiss Be
Your hat In the plural 10 hsts. not hose,
Altho' ono would be- that and three
would be those;
We ..I;sd :9f;sf ,sa. q . foot and more are
II 'ss Sc ::iI.s s:h e, s...s : ss'''' would pair
We spssh Of brother and also Of
Though We may. say mother. vs
never say methron,
The masGuline pronouns are he, his
But imssins the feminine-shs. shis
LoTrA TIMES.
The Washington times., 1922-08-27

came running up to Uncle. who
happened to misjudge his street.
You know, Uncle owed 30 many
people on 30 many streets that hs
used to promenade only in alleys.
The repairman ran up to Uncle
and started to shake hands with
Uncle's whiskers.
Uncle was quick at riddles and
was famous for switching the hos
tility into different channels.
You're looking good" he said
to the repair man.
Eyes, I shaved off my grand.
fathers mustache," said the BIZ
The Washington times., 1922-08-27
WELCoME-NEW CoNTRIBs.

We extend to y:u welcome,
And we greet you every one;
We hope your stay In the column
viii be a pleasant one.
We have gathered here together
From the East and from the
West,
A Jolly bunch Of members
And You can guess the rest.
We meet you and we greet you,
This beautiful summer day..
with warm and hearty handciasp,
And a smile that's here to stay.
We are glad to have you with us
And wen lust say right here
That your bright and happy
thoughts
viii give us still more cheer.
EVELYN LOEFFLER.
The Washington times., 1922-08-27
LIES MYSTERIES.

A cynic once said: Life Is but
a bubble, floating a moment upon
the waves Of uncertainty and then
sinking into nothingness."
Why Is II, wonder, that the
high and glorious aspirations and
ideals that leap from the temple
Of mans heart are so often des-
tined to wander about unsatisfied?
r. B. A.
The Washington times., 1922-08-27

~ NCE the Slickers residing in
the wind-swept Canyons Of
~ q Great City slowly made w
their minds to oppose. Tooth and
Nail, something that had already
taken place.
whensit was tipped Off to them.
away back yonder in the days Of
Two for a Quarter and Free Ham.
that a Preacher with Weak Eyes
and Button Shoes was getting
ready to step in between them and
their Bronxes, they waxed gleeful
and asked. els It not to Laugh7"
Now the Answer had como out
Of the Box as follows: ''Yes-it is
not"
While grim-visaged War held tho
Center Of the Stage with all the
Spots on him, the fanatical william
known as Nat. Prohi. had sneaked
on r U. q.
A short Scuffle In the Darkness,
and then the Lights went up, re.
vealing the red.handed Killer leer.
ing and triumphant, surrounded
by the mangled Corpses of the fol-
lowing victims:
Mr.. Bacchus, J. Berleycorn, Was
sail. Demon Rum. Cabarets, Close
Harmony, Clambakes. Class Re-
unions, Table d'Hote, Welsh Rab-
bits. Nineteenth Hole, versified
Toasts.
For when a Temperance Tract
Crystallizes into q Constitutional
Amendment. It becomes an OBJ
struction which can neither b.
hopped over nor booted out Of th,
way. You may 20 ahead ard tan
the World a. much.
The Washington times., 1922-08-27
THE FO0LISHEST THING.

Don't you want to buy a bicycle
to ride around your farm?" asked
the hardware clerk as he wrapped
up the nails. They're cheap now.
I can sell you a first class one for
$35."
"I'd rather put $36 in q cow"
replied the farmer.
But think" persisted the clerk,
how foolish you would look riding
around on a cow"
20, I don't know" said the
farmer stroking his chin, mo more
foolish, guess, than I would
milking q bicycle" - Chicago
Tribune.
The Washington times., 1922-08-27
WHEN PHILOSOPHERS DIFFER

Bert Moses tells US that the
way to increase our happiness Is
to reduce our wants. Now, beg.
ging Bert's pardon, I think he
is all wrong there. The man who
wants for nothing at all IL in
want Of wanting something in
order to be really happy, for not
to want anything whatever IL to
live in boredom. Happiness lies
not so much In having as in
getting, and, therefore, we must
always be trying for and acauir-
ing some new thing, be It physi-
cal or spiritual, that we want.
FRED SCHWAB.
The Washington times., 1922-08-27

|" HATS Uncle Jasper on his
high.wheeled bicycle 1t was
- taken around 1890 and paid
for In 1902. It was built for two
% that Uncle could leave his wife
home gnashing her false teeth in
artificial rage. 1t broke down so
much that Uncle spent all he could
borrow, beg or mooch in repairs.
Uncle said that bicycle was built
for two. all right. For two Lain-
utes.
He owed the repairman eight
dollars and sixty cents. So he
wouldn't allow Uncle to take the
The Washington times., 1922-08-27
:. A FROM FOR Everybody % Bv BILL PRICE
A HEART PROBLEM.

Dear Mr.. Bill: You must excuse
me for addressing you this letter
instead Of sending Il to the ladies
who answer the love problems In
the daily papers. Somehow old II
and s Is mighty dear to all OF ms
young folks and we turn to IL not
only for advice but for happiness
Like all girls who read your
column and have problems that
perplex them, ] have one. 1t Is
this: A young man who comes to
SEQ me gets angry because j won't
permit him to put bis arm around
me. must say i like him very
much, but he has not asked me to
marry him, and I do not think !
should permit him this privilege
What do you thinkS -
BROWN EYES.
Dear Brown Eyes: Hugging il
one OF the leading indoor sports Of
the world. There are some young
men who think their arms are not
made for anything else. 1t is an
exercise that does not require a
course in q correspondence school.
Yet II I was the owner of a trim
little waist the man who put his
arm around 1t regularly would
have to be engaged to me and ]
would have to be sure that he was
sincere. I wouldn't let him act.
either, as II he felt sure he had an
outright deed to me. Girls should
respect and value themselves II
they want the boys to respect and
value them. The girl who makes
herself cheap. and let's boy act
just as he pleases around her, will
regret 1t some day. Your waist is
no hitching post to let a guy tie
UP to.
The Washington times., 1922-08-27
RARE BARGAIN
CHANCE OF A LIFETIME.
Thousands of automobiles
pass this property every day.
making it an ideal location for
q doctor.
HOME IN HOT WEATHER.

This 10 the hottest town on EARTH"
You'll often hear . guy spout.
I'm going down to the seashors
And get myself cooled out"
And 20 he sets out with lots Of dough.
Sure that solid comfort he'll enjoys
That ssa brssses will cool him off
And make him . brand new boy.
His room 10 small. the grub 10 poor.
Mosquitoes in millions roam,
Then he starts to thinking Of the
Comforts Of home. sweet home.
PETER PIPER.
The Washington times., 1922-08-27
OVER THE SWEETS.

Mrs. Tyro-Do you know that I
got a lovely parchment diploma at
the cookery class today. And now
I've cooked you this pudding as a
surprise. Can you guess what 1t
is?
Mr. T. (sampling pudding)-I-er
suppose you haven't made a mis-
take and-er-cooked the diploma,
by any chance7 GERTRUDE.
The Washington times., 1922-08-27

with q long nose like his couldn't
afford to get It near q grindstone.
II q man knows his I. o. us.
he has learned his financial alpha
bet and IL ready to launch his busi-
ness on the rocks.
Uncle was . quiet man. but still
waters run deep and there's plenty
Of mud on the bottom. The only
way to have sincere mourners at
your funeral Is to owe them money
and charity begins at home, but
obligations end there.
Uncle used to say that his debts
The Washington times., 1922-08-27

Billy Beard wandered into q
Southern restaurant and ordered
half q chicken. After waiting
patiently for forty minutes he
called to the waiter:
"Sayl How about that half
chicken I ordered half an hour
ago"
Waiter. with an air Of surprise,
says:
"I was just waiting for some
one to order the other half, for
any fool knows you can't kill no
half chicken" 9. W.
The Washington times., 1922-08-27
II I was q wild, wild wave,
DisportinE upon the beach,
I'd make it mighty salty
For soms napper peach.
WILLIE.

Daughter - Father. you don't
seem to like Alec.
Father-Well, Doris. I'm willing
to discount the slight discoloration
Of his upper lip. which take to be
a mustache, the kind Of clothes he
wears, his racing car and his suede
shoes, but If he ever addresses me
as old thing I'm going to hit
him.
The Washington times., 1922-08-27
ALPHABETICALLY.

An Arkansas paper says that
while roaming over the Arkan-
sas hill country a subscriber saw
this epitaph:
..Here lies the dust Of Gabriel Trude,
OF whom this section once boasted' .
when living he was always stewed.
But now he's being roasted"
The Washington times., 1922-08-27
Little Jack Kellar went % the
cellar
To mako himself some home
brew.
A revenue officer pesped In the
window,
And jackie Just naturally flow.
GOT THE LAUGH ON HIM.

The Kansas election laws, like
those Of other States since
women have come to vote, do not
compel a woman to swear to her
exact age. In the recent Kansas
primary one woman. known to
be over go years Of age, went
to the pools, and the smart clerk
solemnly asked, What II your
age?"
I'm over 81" she told him,
but wear 1S-year-old clothes"
She was within the law in say
ing she was over 81 years old.
The Washington times., 1922-08-27

storm and got 20 frightened he
tried to pull q barbed.wirs fence
over his head like q sheet.
Well, the hob-nob Of It all was
that Uncle gave him two thirty
cent I. o. us for the sixty-cent
one, and the bike man walked
away happy, not knowing that
Uncle thought those mystic ini-
tials were the only letters in the
alphabet.
It kind Of annoyed the rest Of
the family to have Uncle betrayed
by his creditors on the highway.
but Uncle used to say that Q man
The Washington times., 1922-08-27

THE PALINDROME KID.
Sure Ebert Treble is . foxy guy,
And Ebert Treble has q foxy
name.
Matters not whether coming or
going,
Backward or forward It spells
the same.
: HANK HAWKINS.
The Washington times., 1922-08-27
DIPLOM AC Y.

The weekend quest in the sum-
mer cottage opened the frail door
and found his hostess In the bath
tub.
beg your pardon, sir" he said.
slamming the door. H. u.
The Washington times., 1922-08-27

Women 10 the eiinginE vine,
Man 10 the oak.
That's q fine poetic line
And no Joke.
But the real life We view
Plays queer tricks.
Many vines arr singing to
Awful sticks.
Louisville Courier-Journal.
The Washington times., 1922-08-27
SELLING REAL ESTATE

Sign on country property, az
seen by RUTH"
The Washington times., 1922-08-27

cycle fixer with a jerk at Uncle's
whiskers that savored strangely
Of sarcasm.
The Washington times., 1922-08-27

you got my 1. o. u, amt your"
asked Uncle in a sweet voice that
made four tugboats change their
course and hang out green lights.
The Washington times., 1922-08-27

"Give me the sixty cents" hol-
lered the bike fellow to nobody's
astonishment.
The Washington times., 1922-08-27

Not to be outdone in gentlemanly
witdcisms. Uncle put a permanent
wave in the bike professors shins
with his hobnailed carpet slippers.
The Washington times., 1922-08-27

Uncle used to say that his debts
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1907-1939, 1922-08-31
Ripping Rhymes
Pv Walt Mason
FURS


My Aunt Samantha sits and purrs,
and swells with misfit pride; for
many gorgeous robes are hers, and
furbelows beside; she has all kinds of
costly furs-for each some creature
died. My Aunt Samantha has the
price to buy just what she wants, SO
seals are traced through northern ice
and butchered in their haunts, the
mink must perish once or twice to
give the muff she flaunts. Full soon
the creatures of the wild will be ex-
tinct, men say; for wCman's sake their
pelts are piled in bundles on dray:
and Aunt Samantha beamed and
smiled DER her new coat today. My
aunt has not a calloused heart, no
venom in her lies; she would not rend
a stoat apart to get the fur she'd
prize; she'd cause no beast to pain Or
smaTt-were it before her eyes. But
sables. ermine, things like these, sug-
gest no death or pain, no cruel traps
or snickernees. no harmless creature
slain; she doubtless thinks they grow
on trees on some fair tropic plain.
She doubtless thinks the skins arc
brought from orchards in the fall; but
what's the use of tiresome thought?
She's dressing for ball, and she is
hurried and distraught-the taxi soon
will call. If Aunt Samantha could be
hold the little furry things which per
ish in the snow and cold, in traps
with rusty springs, she'd order all her
ermine sold to freaks like queens and
kings