The New York herald., 1922-10-01
Another Northern Exposure

slowed by him, at our various Christmas
dinners, upon the ladies of our party At
the sixth and last of these Christmas BAN
quets (held on January 11) the Doctor,
as a result of five plugs consumed in rapid
succession, first became completely illum-
mated and then passed off into a slumber
so profound that all our efforts to arouse
him proved abortive until the morning OF
January 10.
come now to my third charge, the
sinister one of cannibalism, as result
of which we lost Warburton Plock, our
company anthropologist Traprock in his
book frankly confesses to eating Plock,
but his published excuse for doing So
that our food supplies were running low
and that Plock had openly mutinied and
refused to obey orders-savors more of in
genuity than of sincerity. The naked truth
is that the Doctor had long secretly de-
tested Plock Che admits it in different
parts of his narrative) and that six
months Artic diet-walrus roe, pemmican
salad, ptarmigan omelettes, and seal blub-
Der sandwiches-had begun to sicken him.
He told me- on the evening before he
shot our company anthropologist, that he
had occasionally drunk bears blood with
the natives and liked it, and that he often
suffered from an abnormal craving for
what the Eskimos call "long pig" or
human flesh. 1 also regard the fact that
Plock was by all odds the plumpest of
our party as more than a coincidence.
Another suspicious incident was that be-
fore Plock had even been put on to boil
a thick and highly favored sauce had been
prepared, by the Doctors express orders
and stood steaming on the sideboard. Trap
rocks statement to the effect that he found
his friend Extremely tough" is nothing
but cloak for his very palpable enjoy
ment of Mr.. Plock especially those parts
of him that impinged upon the saddle
and shoulder.
My fourth and final charge against
the explorer is that he is in no sense of
the word scientist, astronomer, or even a
latitudinarian. I never once saw an as
trolabe in his hand nor a sextant, nor a
temperature thermometer. 1 am convinced
that we were at no time nearer than 800
miles to the Pole, and that without the
slightest idea as to whether or not we had
reached the convergence of the earth's
meridianal lines he called our camping
ground the Pole. He settled there solely
for the reason that it seemed to him an
admirable camping site, with plenty Of
fresh fish, southerly breeze, wild game
morning sun and hot and cold running Es-
kimo girls. During our six months stay
there, instead of making unquestionable
observations of all the fixed stars the
Doctor was forever making questionable
observations to the only two stars he hoped
to fix. namely. the emotional actress and
the barefoot dancer!
On one occasion. when I wanted to plumb
the depths of his abysmal ignorance in
matters of science, 1 asked him to define
a meridian for me. He only stopped suck
ing one of his intolerable alcohol plugs
long enough to observe that a meridian
was any male inhabitant of Meriden
(Conn) / merely cite this taur pas in
order to prove to your readers that his
knowledge of science was of the sketchtest
and most negligible character
1 trust, my dear Mr.. Editor, that have
said enough to prove to your readers that.
dauntless and intrepid as Dr. Traprock
grettable occasions naught but a weak
and erring Human Being.
Very respectfully yours,
HERMAN SwANK