davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The fool-killer., 1922-09-01
OBSERVATION-DISCLOSURES"

The more watch the fool cap
ers of the so-called astronomers
the more thoroughly I am con-
vinced that they know nothing
and not very much of that.
For instance.
About two years ago one Prof.
Michaelson, of the University Of
Chicago, What-a-noise, came out
with a great yarn about a big
star that he had been playing
with. He called it Betelguesse,
or something like that. He said
that he had just discovered or
invented new method of meas
uring the exact distance, size,
weight, etc., Of the fixed stars.
His method was absolute, and he
could tell you to the fraction of
a fea's foot,
Well, he begun by measuring
Betelguesse, and it was 214 mil
lion miles and nine inches in dia-
meter. Supposing the earth's
alleged orbit to be a solid ring
1876 million miles across, this
star couldn't be dropped through
that orbit, but would hang out
over it all around like a fat mans
belly over the top of his breech-
es. In other words, the distance
straight through that star was
more than twice as far as it is
supposed to be from the earth
to the sun. And if our sun was
held up beside that star it would
look like a sick lightning-bug
hitched up with a searchlight.
| And distance? Great day in
the morning! Why, that star
was so far away there wasn't
any danger of Rockefeller dis
covering oil on it, and it would
require $4,000 years for it's light
to reach the earth, and by that
time we would all be dead and
gone to Congress or some other
bad place.
| Well, now!
| Here comes another wise as
trononer who says the other
wise astronomer missed it furth.
er than he shot at it. He states
it as a positive fact, and as the
latest discovery of science, that
Prof. Michaelson's great Betel
guesse is not a hundredth par
} as big as he said it was. In fact
this second wise man thinks i
may not be much bigger than /:
lhoss-apple, and if he had a little
longer pole he might punch i
| down.
Now, doggon it, what are W.
going to do? Our big star thar
we have been Dragging abou
has sWunk till it amt hardly re
spectacle any more. When thu
wisest astronomers can't get an,
! closer than that in their calcula
tions, how can they expect u:
common plugs to believe any
5 thing they say?
{ But anyhow, this circumstanc'
throws some light on the mean
ing Of the name Betelguesse. I
, is a German word and means
t that the wise astronomers cal
"Beat-hell-aguessin'.'
| see where a preacher i
z Inunted as savinr that hnll is GAY,
The fool-killer., 1922-09-01
HAVE SOME MANNERS

SCllullS OuL CdI lOdUS Ol duVCI-
tising about a new book on Ell
quette. They will send you the
book free for about three dollars,
and if you don't like the book
you may keep it anyhow. ItI
will tell you more perfectly good
lies about yourself than you
could think up in a month Of
Sundays.
If there is belt slipping some
where in your social machinery
this book will point out the place
and tell you how to fix it. I have
not conferred this great blessing
upon myself yet, but I have
learned just from reading the
advertising literature that I ann
248,O0O miles behind the times
in a society sense. I never have
known how to do anything right.
In the first place, [ didn't know
how to be born. If I had only
possessed one of these books be-
fore I was born I might have
discovered that all the ''best peo-
|ple' of saWsiety are very careful
to be born rich. That is the first
and most important thing. Then
the next thing an unborn person
should look out for is to be born
with a plentiful supply of good
looks. You better put in your
order for the good looks about
three generations ahead, because
the supply is short and you have
to be right on the job or you
won't get any at all.
| It don't matter anything about
brains. Sawdust will do just as
we'll. In modern sawsiety there
is less demand for brains than
for anything else.
| This: great masterpiece on
manners goes on to explain the
different uses that can be found
for the knot on top of your neck,
one of which is to keep your COL
lar from slipping off. It also
goes on to prove by the Greek
} Rithmatic that the gap in the
front side of your head can be
used as a gateway for cuss-
words and cabbage.
Armed with this book, you
need never to make a mistake
in eating. People who have here
/ tofore poked their food in at
, their ears will find this book
livery useful.
When you are introduced to q
stranger, consult this book ano
, learn that you must not pick up
r his foot and shake it. To do sc
. might cause him to fall back
= wards and hurt the ground.
In the matter of courtship and
, marriage there has never beer
- anything to equal this book. II
! proves by the law of optical de
lusion that all women are fools
q to start with, or they neve,
h would marry such things as men
, | It also refers you to chapter anc
verse in the medical almanac tt
|prove that it takes two to gel
married anyhow.
According to this book there
= lis no law against wearing a few
- clothes if you have formed thu
IL habit of doing so. But while th'
8 law does not forbid wearing
clothes the female fashions ar
lmOre and more apainst If
The fool-killer., 1922-09-01
EDITORIALS.

We may never get peace, but
we will keep on fighting for it.
1t is hard to tell which is the
more expensive, the war or the
peace conferences.
But what if some of the booze
ships should come within the
three mile limit?
A specialist is just any COM
mon cobbler who has got the
nerve to charge more.
A Labor Board composed en-
tirely Of capitalists is like maxi
ing a gold watch out of pewter.
Girls would probably not mar
ry such sorry men if there were
any better men to choose from.
If doctors really could cure
sickness they would soon work
themselves out of a job.
Letting the Labor Board set
tie it would be like letting the
cat draw the plans for the
mouse's nest.
| If you can tell why Henry
Ford never has any strikes, then
you are beginning to get your
eyes open. Try it.
A "quack" doctor who can cure
you is doggon sight better
than a "real' doctor who can't
What is it you want, anyhow?
| Penrose will turn over in his
grave if he finds out what has
happended to his political ma.
chine.
| Taking a seat at one of these
here Disagreement Conferences
is sorter like trying to sit dow1
on a boil without hurting the
chair.
! And then again, it might hel1
Isome if President HardtimeS
lwould get a job in the movies
i Looks like Hays could find ;
place for him.
/ The Republican bosses a
!, | Washington are making anothe
effort to whitewash Senator
Huckleberly. Sorter like put
ting perfume on a pig.
i If all the breath that has beel
wasted in talking about Tariff
had been put to some good us
we would all be so rich that w,
! wouldn't need any tariff. 0 gab
trap, thy other name is Humbue
| Every crime that is committee
!, these days is Immediately pack
ed off on Labor. Of course tn
+ nlalefactors of great wealt
8 never committed any crimes
IWOW!
A new college in North Care
r lima has been named after Wood
row Wilson. Lord help it. Wha
{ can a college amount to wit
The fool-killer., 1922-09-01

We may never get peace, but
we will keep on fighting for it.
The fool-killer., 1922-09-01

It is hard to tell which is the
more expensive, the war or the
peace conferences.
The fool-killer., 1922-09-01

But what if some of the boozt
ships should come within th<
three mile limit?
The Grenada sentinel. [volume] (Grenada, Miss.) 1868-1955, 1922-06-23
AMAN WHO WILL MEET EVERY REQUIREMENT AS
GOVERNOR.

The Sentinel thinks that announcements for Governor, while
another election is pending and more than a year in advance of
the primary election, are out of place. The people have so many
important and constructive things that need to be done that we
think it almost a misfortune that we have men, the palms of
whose hands never showed any callousness from a sacrifice to
public duty, who have yielded" to generous" demands to en-
ter the race p. But in view of the fact that we have those who
cannot hold themselves quiescent and who appear to feel that
they must at least trot around the track for entertainment pend
ing the time the real horses are ready for the wire, we are there
fore minded to say to those who p~erchance might be misled by
the prancers, that Grenada County has a man in the person of
j. I. Thomas who can and will meet all the requirements of a
real Governor.
Another reason for our making this suggestion now is that
we do not want to appear deaf to what has been so many times
said to us within the past few months by different ones in diff
erent parts of the State, why don't you people run j. 7. Thorn
as for Governor? He can VIM.
If the State of Mississippi ever needed a business man for
Governor, she needs one now. If the State of Mississippi ever
needed a man who could and would impress upon the law-ra-
king body and the public generally the wisdom and the necessity
OF not spending more than is collected, she needs one now. Toll
Thomas can and will meet all the requirements in this res ect,
and more.
He has made a success as a banker. And in using the word
success, we use it in its broadest and most humanitarian
sense. 1t is not a success measured in dolla RS and cents but
even IN that respect there are few if any banks in the South that
show a better earning recOrd-but a success that shows that Mr..
Thomas realizes that money is not a mere Instrument or me-
dunn to be used to accumulate the material things of life for
selfish aims or ends, but that money serves only a high purpose
The Grenada sentinel. [volume] (Grenada, Miss.) 1868-1955, 1922-06-23

In this issue of The Sentinel we publish the first annual
statement OF the Mississippi Fire Insurance Co., which began
business in May, 1921.
The statement should be studied. 1t is a showing that any
set o. ofhcers and directors should be proud Of; indeed it is a
record Tor the year that every Mississippian should be proud
OF we Zee gratifed over the splendid success ourselves for
the reason tnaC when the company was being organized we said
that it was little less than a shame that Mississippi should de-
pend upon outsiders for their fire insurance. We said, further
more, that 1t was time that our people were ceasing to- go with
hat in hand to New York and eastern capitalists for money and
for things that we ought to do for ourselves. We also stated,
among other things, that the fire insurance companies which
nad been taking care OF the fire insurance risks in Mississippi
took the thousands of dollars they made right out of the State.
and that our people would continue to be- in a measure hewers
of wood and drawers of water until we learned to use our money
for ourselves rather than putting it into outside hands to use for
us. So we repeat that we are pleased at the great success of the
Mississippi Fire Insurance Co. We told you that it would be
this way.
We especially call attention to the item in the statement
which shows 1921, 1926 loaned on real estate. That is money
loaned to Mississippians on lands. Where, oh where, was there
ever an outside fire insurance company that loaned money to
Mississippi farmers?
We ask our readers to note that the capital stock is $685.
$4,000 and that the surplus, or dividends passed to stock &C
count, Is sos, 833.25. Just think of what this means and in one
year, too Nothing ever before like it in the history of the
country.
The assets are over one million dollars. We salute tie Miss
Fire Insurance Company and congratulate the manage
ment on the great strides it is making. 1t will grow bigger and
better.
The Grenada sentinel. [volume] (Grenada, Miss.) 1868-1955, 1922-06-23

wn s Hls usea 70 serve hL MN alone Asnp happens to bets in'
MI. Thomas is not alone d banker. He has shown a remark.
and for the chain of banks whose deshnies he has so successful
ly handled, he has purchased pure brsdscattle, hogs and chick
in the counties his banks are serving. He has taken the lead in
what has been thought to be every advance movement for bet
ways maintained his personal connections With farming.
He has tried to serve the educational interests of the State.
in a personal way. He has shown that his heart yearns to lend a
helping hand to the little school out in the interior which is so
Business" and the sterner affairs of the world have not made
him cold and indifferent to the sweeter and better things of life
and of the world an iceberg. He is warm hearted. He is nat
uraily clever and oblging. He can do the small, humber duties,
of life in a real big way.
\ He is not only a banker and a business man, but he is a
benefactor: He has given of his means and of his time in the
hope that Mississippi might make of her sons and daughters bet
ter men and better women than their parents were-a thing
that every good father and every good mother yearns for, yea,
1T. Thomas has studied state-craft. He has been a student
but ne has'shown that ne has the ability to put theory into
practice.
MI. Thomas has not allowed his activities to draw him apart
from men. He has been right in the midst of the surging cur
rents of every day activities and common ndeavor. He has
been dealing with men for these years. He has dealt with all
classes. He knows humanity from the simple simple life out u ON" the h
farm, and as a clerk in a dry goods store, to the top where the
iaid for aH the do oi, He of c sreat tb is a'se ont af f and a whe5a plans snd f abe
brains of such men as j. T. Thomas, come conditions that make
" p SSaO1e Tor hn m men to go onward and upward.
fxed and steady purpose to make Mississippi one of the most
justly, fairly, honestly and we'll. He would strive to so act as
to deserve the plaudit, when his term should have. expired,
Well done good and faithful servant"
We have. not consulted MI. Thomas about this article. He is
not aware OF our intentions to place his name before the people
as a candidate for Governor. Indeed we know his nature and
so we'll that we do not hesitate to say that he
would shrink from the turmoil and stress of a political cam
palgn: But we also feel that we know him we'll enough to say
that If ne could be made to understand that there was a sincere
for his services as Governor and that there is a like de-
mand that he submit his name to the electorate for that exalted
that duty would compel him to yield.
1t would be a glad day for Mississippi if she could witness
the inauguration of j. T. Thomas as Governor.
-O-
The Grenada sentinel. [volume] (Grenada, Miss.) 1868-1955, 1922-06-23
ANOTHER FIRE INSURANCE COMPANY is GOING TO BE
GREAT.

We were one of those when the State was somewhat STAN
peded by the fire insurance companies, which have their homes
in New York and other places, and some in foreign lands, that
held our nerve and said "sit steady in the boat. Time has
shown that we were correct. +.
Out OF these foreign fire insurance companies taking up their
doll rags and hiking came the organization of two fire insur-
ance companies in Mississippi by Mississippi capital that are
proving to be the best dividend payers that the State ever had,
and they are taking care of a large per cent of the fire aurance
risks, too. We make reference elsewhere to the Mi ssippi
Fire Insurance Co: but there is another fire insurance company,
organized since the Mississippi, the Bankers and Me chants,
that is succeeding beyond all expectations.
The Bankers and Merchants Fire Insurance Co. is lother
rock In the foundation Mississippi is laying in the campaign to
quit sending so much outside of the State. The Bankers and
Merchants is young but it is a big child and is "toting it's tote".
Some of its stock is still on the market and we commend it to
the careful consideration of the farmers, merchants and all 9TH
ers IN Mississippi who want to invest a few dollars and get big
interest while at the same time their money performs a patriotic
service.
The Grenada sentinel. [volume] (Grenada, Miss.) 1868-1955, 1922-06-23

The City of Grenada with a tax rate of 6 per cent, with the
prospect OF adding a half per cent more by expenses already in
Cured and the budget already in sight, will hardly appear a
very attractive place for the business man who might chance to
bonds,
The Grenada sentinel. [volume] (Grenada, Miss.) 1868-1955, 1922-06-23

Let Grenada keep her powder dry and her eyes skinned.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1922-04-29

ly acquitted.
Mr.. Burke's position as chief came
entirely unsolicited. He was select
ed solely on his merits and has given
his best in the interest of the city
and the department. During his time
the department grew from a staff OF
a chief and three patrolmen to its
present size. He was largely re-
sponsible for it's rapid increase in
efficiency.
When Chief Burke came to Perth
Amboy he occupied a house that
formerly stood at the northwest cor
ner of Broad and Mechanic streets.
He came here a few months before
his family arrived. The ex-chief was
married, to Ellen Loretta Soden, Of
New York city. on May l. 1887. A
daughter was born to the couple.
Two years after the death of his
wife in 1905 Chief Burke married
Catherine + Burke. He was of old
Irish stock. his parents having come
to this country from Ireland in 1S4S.
At the close of 1921 Chief Burke
was retired from service after one
of the longest terms on record in
this state. In addition to, the PEN
sion allowed him by law the city
voted him an additional sum in con-
sideration CT his unexcelIed record
as patrolman and chief. In Febru-
ary of last year he retired from
active service and was succeeded by
the present chief, Niels ]. Tonnesen.
Since Chief Burke's retirement he
has conducted a detective agency
here.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1922-04-29
AMAZING NEW MOTOR
ON SHOW MONDAY
RECENTLY BUILT VIBRATION
LESS MOTOR TO BE EXHIB-
ITED AT PERTH AMBOY

Perth Amboy people will have an
opportunity Monday to inspect the
automobile engine that opens a new
era in motoring.
This is the "Dyna- Motor" the vi
brationless motor which automotive
engineers have tried for years to
build. Velie Engineers built it.
At the New York Automobile
Show early in January, the new
'Dyna- Motor" was the centre of in
terest among cars of every class and
price Wherever shown since. it has
attracted the same special attention.
With wide open throttle and car
standing. this amazing motor runs
as quietly as a dynamo on concrete
base. Driven at 40 miles an hour
in second gear no vibration is no.
ticeable. Power flows through it as
smoothly as oil through a glass tube.
1t is SO astonishing to find this la
test and greatest motor in the mod
erately priced new Velie that OBJ
servers invariably overestimate the
cars price by several hundred dol
lars.
In order that those living in this
territory may see the new "Dyna-
Motor" for themselves. Mr.. Joseph
kRourk of the Garland Automobile
eCompany is bringing a new Velie
from New York to Perth Amboy for
a three-day exhibition from May
TO May inclusive. See it while it
s4| N@
Perth Amboy evening news., 1922-04-29
AMB0Y AVENUE
BOND ISSUE
Ways and Means of Financing
and Paving Project Dis
cussed by Aldermen
AT COMMITTEE MEETING
Action Will Also be Taken on
Caring for Present Streets
in City
AT COMMITTEE MEETING

Paving of Amboy avenue and re-
pairing of various streets IN the city.
police matters, garbage removal and
the need of a new fire alarm and
police call system was the business
discussed last night at the commit
tee meeting Of the Board of Alder
men. The discussion on the various
matters before the board lasted from
early in the evening until IL o'clock
One of the most importan. of these
was the paving of Amboy avenue
which is to be done in connection
with the State Highway Commission.
The aldermen agreed that it was ad-
visable to change the site of the
highway as planned by the commits
sion.
Considerable time was spent in
discussing the conditions of the city's
streets many of which are showing
signs of wear and must be repaired.
1t was decided to authorize the en-
gineer at Monday nights meeting
to prepare specifications for this
work. A bond issue was talked of
as the means of furnishing funds
for the repairing Of the streets.
| Upon the recommendation oI the
| police committee that two men OF
the police department be placed on
motorcycles this matter was discuss
| ed by the aldermen. 1t is held that
as many of the present patrolmen
| will be placed on traffic duty during
| the summer months, that two mo-
! torcycle officers will be able to per-
/ form more service than if placed on
| regular patrol work.
The specifications for the removal
of garbage were discussed prior TO
their approval on Monday night.
A representative was present from
the Gamewell Fire Alarm Company
and discussed the advisability
of installing a new system of fire
alarm and police calls here. The
representative went into details con-
cerning the weakness OF the present
system and the need of installing
many improvements The improve
ments necessary will cost approxi-
mately $4,000.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1922-04-29
OEATHOF BURKE
SHOCKS AMBOY
Was III for Only Short Time--
Working Up Until a Few
Days Ago
FLAG PUT AT HALF MASK
Was Member of Force 80
Years and Chief for
28 Years
FLAG PUT AT HALF MASK

Patrick ]. Burke. a member of the
Perth Amboy police department fos
thirty-three years and chief for
\twenty- -eight years. died at his home
Iat 15 Jefferson street at 1880 o'clock
this morning. The ex-chief had been
i'll for several Gays and it was gener-
ALL known that he could not survive
) much longer but his death was not
expected to occur as suddenly as II
did
Funeral services will be he'd Tues
day morning at 10 o'clock rom St
Marys cemetery. Practically the
entire police department will attend
the services out of respect for the
man who was its head for, so many
years and hundreds of friends from
Perth Amboy and cities in New Jer-
.sey and the metropolitan area are
ARlso expected to be represented at
Abe funeral. Chief Burke was known
throughout this section of the coun-
ny and because of his sterling char
acter and long years OF faithful SER
vice he was universally held in high
esteem.
Few police officers have ever pass
ed away as universally loved and re-
spected by all classes as was Chief
Burke. his human Qualities, coupled
with strict adherence to what he
considered his duty. endeared him
to everyone with whom tc came in
contact and the entire city is mourn
ing his death. In all his career as
ordinary patrolman and chief no
suspicion of scandal or irregularities
ever attached itself to his name,
which constitutes peculiarly inn
pressive record.
Flags were ordered half masted on
all municipal buildings early this
morning. The police are combining
their work to merely routine duties
out of respect for Chief Burke's
memory. No cases were heard in
the police court. all being adjourned
kuntil Monday.
Chief Burke was born April IL,
1884 in Egbertville. Staten Island.
now known as New Dorp. At the
age of fifteen he secured his first po-
sition, becoming connected with the
j. G.. Crooke Tinfoil Company in
New York City. He worked with
that organization for a number OF
years and then moved to this city
In 1875, and was employed on the
coal wharves of the Lehigh Valley
Railroad Company. While there he
rose from a minor capacity to a
position as foreman.
On December 10, 1887, Chief
Burke received an appointment as a
patrolman on the police force, be-
ginning his actual term of service
on Christmas night. The night was
bitter cold and the chief said after
ward that only his disinclination to
quit on a tough job kept him from
stopping his police career then and
there. At that time he was one OF
three patrolmen under Chief Albert
Jackson.
Patrolman Burke was made CHIEF
in 1892 when Chief Jackson died
suddenly in the midst of the inves-
tigation being conducted in the mur-
der OF Mary Anderson, one of the
city's most famous mystery cases.
The new chief took up the case
where Chief Jackson left it and car
ried it through until the aquittal of
the arrested suspect. He always
maintained that the man was wrong