davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1922-05-07
News from the Bronx Zoo

his late lamented wife wrapped
around a fapper's neck the other
day.
The osprey got hungry for FISH
the other day and ate his perch.
The storks have all been absent
lately. They have been busy help
ing out with the downtown rush in
New York where. according to the
records, q baby arrived every nine
minutes.
A plumber Jumped in the park
AXE after taking one look at the
pelican. He never had AZ large a
bill as that.
The rhinoceros Is a very versa.
tile creature. They sawed his horn
of and took It away and now he is
learning to play the violin. His
hide Is SO thick he doesn't care
what his neighbors say about him
The boa constructor Is now right
in style. being the longest-waisted ID
inhabitant OF the ZOO.
The Washington times., 1922-05-07
By Roy K. Moulton
By TAD

yet you know all about them. II
Mrs. Van Cortlandt Dingwhizzle's s
Pekingese sprains its left hind
ankle in the morning you come
busting in here with the news the
same afternoon. You talk about
these here society people like they
are your old pals. Where do YOU
get all this stun! How come"
81 read the papers. don't ~
snaps Elias @. Higginbotham.
Sure you do" says Quincy
The last time there is a weddin'
in the Vanderbilt family you sit
up so late at night readln' about
II that the cop comes In and asks
II there is anybody sick In the
house. and you get sore and put up
n squawk because the list OF guests
at the weddin' Is In such fine print
The Washington times., 1922-05-07

are In II. Everybody who Is not in
society claim that society is the
bunk and wish they were In It.
They poke . lot OF fun at the dow.
ayers and debs and sub-debs and
plain dubs and others that infest
society, and they roast the news
papers for publishing so many
pictures Of beautiful society
women that will stop a clock. but
tho frst thing they turn TO IN the
papers is the society news.
"Bertie Blickensderfer. the so
ciety writer. Is their favorite auth
or. and they Amt never been close
enough TO society to catch an
empty grapefruit skin that Is
throwed out OF Fifth avenue win.
dow. You claim you haven't got
no use for the society gang, and
The Washington times., 1922-05-07

THERE was gnu baby this
week. Mother and child do
l. ing well
The unicorn would be the strang.
est animal in the zoo, II there were
one hero.
The inha bitants OF the monkey
cage had q real treat this past
week. Several people from the
city came out and the monkeys
had great fun looking them over.
The tailor-bird has gone on
strike. He has refused to make a
pair OF pants for the elephant
The parrots were greatly shocked
ono day this week when 4 couple
OF chorus girls stopped in front Of
their cage and began discussing a
mutual friend.
The white mice are planning to
have 4 golf tournament on the
lynx.
Ono Of tho skunks is very down.
hearted and sad. He claims he saw
The Washington times., 1922-05-07
The New 'Dry" Navy

to Florida coast to catch her.
Where do they meet?
Answer: A straight line is the,
shortest distance between two
points.
But you shouldn't expect vessel
that is full of hooch to sail In .
straight line.
II twenty-five hooch.runners leave
the bahamas for various points
along the Atlantic coast at one time
how many years will It take the
sub-chaser to catch them all At
once?
The answer Is: Because there
will always be hooch.running so
long as the ocean remains so close
to the shore.
All OF which Is, OF course, very
foolish.
But so Is the one-boat dry navy
The Washington times., 1922-05-07
Some People Believe That

n 70 e er a
nj Every nant n HIS landlord.
the Broadway scraps Of paper.
No foreigner over without criticzng America
genuine pearls at the
No taxc depended
Every business phones entertaining
a liar.
running Kitchen garden OF their
couples don't enjoy themselves top OF bus.
something with his
legitimate through accident
old.
Italy has had meal in
foreign noblemen laundry and tailor bills.
II man Aquarium people will call him .
French windows
you an a will
the
highbrow Metropolitan Museum
Every California q
will make them literary.
s necessary % wet o age o q book
No carried fountain that had
of
golfers play the because It 10 fashionable
Nobody q a tall building except hck
No got her moneys worth whom buying hat
The Washington times., 1922-05-07
Quincy Todd on Society

Shame on you. 1t 10 positively
painful to think what some OF those
people have to put up with. They
have got to sacrifice to the point
OF actual privation. A guy has got
TO keep up his social position. n he
loses that he has got nothing left to
fall back on. He can't have any
fun in the movies and he can't come
in here and play poket with US.
and he can't go to Coney Island
and have a good time. II he loses
his social position there is nothing
left for him but a quarters worth
OF bichloride OF mercury and a
bump-ofr.
AS for me and you. We can nnd
plenty TO do without bein' in So
ciety. For instance. We can sit
around and talk about them that
The Washington times., 1922-05-07


It is ginks like you that eats up
the society news. BERTHE Blickens-
derfer has got more readers on
Columbus avenue than he has on
Fifth avenue, and not because II is'
a longer street either.
III you want TO know what is
going on in society ask any Of the
shop girls or manicures or stenog-
raphers. Don't ask any society
bud. Lizzie McGurk. down on
Avenue A. can tell you what Mrs.
Gotrocks wore at the coming out
party OF Phyllis Vanastorpilt, but
I'll make small bet the lady's
husband himself couldn't tell you.
Nine-tenths Of the young nappers
In this town go 10 bed with the
society column under the pillows,
and they look II over again before
breakfast the next morning.
1T ain't the society people that
worship society. but the outsiders
like yourself. There amt no show
that you want TO see so bad as the
one you can't get a ticket to.
That's the answer. II everybody
could OF had a ticket TO Princess
Mary's wedding for the asking no.
body would have cared a tinkers
darn about It.
Society people can fool one An
other about their ages and their
divorces and their family connec-
tions. but they cant fool the So
ciety column hounds. Those birds
can tell you everything that hap
pened since old Commodore Van
derbilt sailed his first vegetable
boat over from Staten Island and
give dates. II any society lady
can't remember who she was mar
ried to during the society season
Of 1897. almost any downtown
stenographer can tell her. Nobody
knows society like the people that
amt in II.
THE smart set performs regu.
lar, like circus, and there are q
lot OF the common people who get
enjoyment out Of 1t. too. There
wasn't a dish washed In our block
during the last big divorce trial.
Society life Is a good deal Of Q
bore. The people that read about
It have most Of the fun. There 10
nothing for society to do that It
hasn't done before. You can 70 to
Coney. buy hot dog and take q
ride on the scenic railroad and
have a large evening. All society
can do is to keep moving from one
point on the map to another look
ing for the thrill that never comes.'
We'll, they haven't got It so
tough, at that" says Elias Q. Hig,
ginbotham. "A rich society guy
can wear lot OF Woolworth Jew.
elry and get away with It, but when
guy like me comes out with a
genuine diamond ring onto his fin
ger everybody he knows wants to
lick the stone to see II 1t amt
alum. But there is no use trying
10 talk to you, Quincy. You was
in society once yourself, right here
in this town, and you're prejudiced
in favor OF IT, You was In society
once, wasn't your"
Sure" says Quincy. 81 was in
society once, but the moths got
into my dress suit one Summer and
put me out OF business. | have
been fond Of moths ever sinca"
The Washington times., 1922-05-07
From "The Bacterian Buqle"

THERE will be = meeting Of
the currency microbes next
Thursday afternoon on .
thousand.dollar bill at No. 1878 Wall
street to discuss the "Perils OF Race
Suicide" Members will flnd the
subway tho easiest route to the
meeting place.
A benefit week will be held for
the roller.towel microbes. who are
now all but homeless since the new
paper-blotting towels came into eI
istence. Theirs is a pitiable plight
After being driven about they have
no place to 90 except the most re-
mote country hotels, and 1t is .
long walk.
Quite a lively time was reported
at the annual ball OF the anthrax
germs, held in a shaving brush ir
the Elite Barber Shop the other
evening. This new organization Is
gaining members rapidly and is in
a prosperous condition.
A large number OF typhus mi.
crobes arrived from South America
In the steerage lately to Join the
local colony. Some OF the bacteria
are In favor Of restricting immigra.
The Washington times., 1922-05-07

tion to . certain quota each year.
A good many Of the typhus family
are still detained at Ellis Island.
One OF our most prominent ny
germs passed away last week, leav.
Ing 7e,S7%,ss2 children to mourn his
loss. Rather a small family. Tho
vital statistics Of this branch Of our
organisation needs a boost, we
would say.
Mr.. and Mrs. J. w. Bedbug and
ninety-seven children. Of Harlem,
enjoyed a ride In the subway last
year, taking an extended tour as
far as South Ferry and return.
Some Of the children lost their way
and got to Brooklyn and the Bronx.
Born. to Mr.. and Mrs. Pulmonary
Germ. Of Public Drinking Cup at
the railroad station, 76,539,s72 chill.
dren. all Of whom are robust and
happy. The happy couple have oc-
cupied this residence for several
years.
There will be . meeting Of the
door-handle microbes on the front
door OF the post office to discuss tho
plan to go to the White House and
meet the President, who Is a great
handshaksr thesa dRYa
The Washington times., 1922-05-07
Story with impossible Ending

OF the ninth
r. visiting The home
- team a McGinns a
instructions
Slugger
knock for a goal
resembling
snapped
McGnn simultaneously with
a
the Sugger lied
had the from the fire.
OF
received decision silently, a
was
he m o
The Washington times., 1922-05-07

knows, with the income tax and
nothing to do and everything like
that. Why Just the other day !
hear one OF these poor unfortunate
downtrodden birds cuts himself
down to nine automobiles and
seven chauffeurs. and the doctor
orders that he should never be
without eight chaufreurs. Times
are so hard that very few Of them
can make both ends meet without
wrapping themselves around a
barrel"
We'll, those society lions or
tigers or whatever they are. ain't
got It SO tough at that" says Elias
Q. Higginbotham.
1T is very difficult to remain in
the same room with you when you
talk that way" says Quincy.
The Washington times., 1922-05-07
Choose Your News

n OW Lady Astov has . opinion Of the happsr.
~ She the maiden should
Who slaps A.pper will rue IT,
SO we'll let Lady Asor do Il.
Tho Prince Of touring her thousand BEANS
And he has hurried home again to Oriental scenes
But, seeing this part Of tho earth,
He doubtless got his moneys worth.
Tho Bolshsvsts at Genoa putting on high hats
And nicely tailored and shiny shoes .p.ts.
Whom Communist. eloths. 8 grand
Millennium is right at hand.
The. Rough Guys" his pedestal in front Of City Hall.
His feet the neek He purns vampires ALL
A. "Civie Virtue" hs . nude,
Undgni6sd If not quit. rud.
Our brains helpful but they
So staid professor and views
No one has to have
To keep with modern chatter.
The cost Of ivinss fallen ~ they
Since the time when mixed the European
Prices are back to fair
But do o know jus,w where.
All males wearing whiskers in Sacramento
The bsrbers against Il and they raise awful
Good friends In ambush on the
Are but strangers whsn they
cepyrisht n', BY star Co sr.. Britain
The Washington times., 1922-05-07
How to Be a Poet (Newspaper)
(Our Educational Seriesl

ca o % write
helps him
cinch fills his
scbbes much of
and si listens spoil poems
sense II
The readers know the diff.
Oh indeed there's
andw bn)
crime
Ink and then
ready to grind out but sometimes
world a
a Noah ouche Mount Ararat
The time amazing OF
it's misty sroud The
boy waits by sde and
that you'll be provided
daily for II is time O
Grim desperation grips heartyou get a
but still think and think
All subjects have writ rhymes a times
So write four lines
Call 1t day and let
The Washington times., 1922-05-07

4 TEW YORK now has a dry
N nav, for the pursuit Of
hooch.runners.
The navy consists OF one former
submarine. which 10 quite appro-
pirate.
They always did send a chaser
after that stun. didn't they!
The navy can make ten miles on
gallon.
The hooch.runners can make
forty dollars on q gallon.
Who wins the race, A or B?
When running at full speed the
sub-chaser is half over the seas.
Tho hooch.runner is half-seas
over.
Hooch-runner starts from the
Bahamas for coast Of Long Island.
Sub-chaser starts from New York
The Washington times., 1922-05-07

fT BEE, says hiias ~ Hissin-
botham. that the smart set
= Of polite society Is all bust
ID up and is having . very disas-
lrous war over the question
whether Newport or Southampton
shall be the society capital this
Summer. They are having . very
tough time. indeed"
Yes" says Quincy Todd. 1T is
D very tough situation and It is too
bad It has to come right now when
We have got 80 many other serious
complications to worry us.
Troubles never come singly. Here
We are all worried about what is
going on at Genoa and what is 60
ing to happen to the four-power
pack and what England is going to
do about India, and now this crisis
has got to come up and overshadow
all our other troubles"
81 see one society guy gets 20
sore because somebody gave New
port the raspberry that he ups and
busts the crystal on his wrist
watch. just like that" says Elias
Q. Higginbotham.
81 don't blame him a bit." says
Quincy. ITS enough to stir any
red-blooded American all up to
have anybody cast any asparagus
1t Newport or Southampton. either.
80 far As that COOS. When you
knock either one of these watering
places you strike q blow at the
foundations Of our country. What
was It that George Washington and
those other old birds fought for,
anyhow. tell mo that7"
Il can't" says Elias @. Higgin-
botham. II thought I knowed once,
but I can't think Of It now. used
to think they ft this here revolu-
tion to get away from the worship
Of class and wealth and titles, but
guess I had an old-fashtoned
idear."
YES" says Quincy. you got q
Let Of bootleg learning whep you
went to school. II was bum stun.
Probably you thought they pulled
OF the Boston Tea Party in the in.
tssssts of freedom. Perish the
thought! Your idesrs are as old
- Methuselah's pet elephant"
"Well," says Elias @. Hissin-
bothsm. anyhow. I learned that
one teller is as good as another in
this country. and he is. amt he!"
"sure he is." says Quincy. and
sometimes he is . little better. but
what I was aiming to say IL that
this serious bustup In tho society
ranks about Newport and South
ampton is q national calamity. II
hits the whole country Just like tho
failure OF the prune crop. Genera
lions unborn will never get through
talking about this thing. and I, for
one, don't see how our country Is
going TO live through this crisis.
We need a strong man at the head
OF our Government, a strong hand
at the wheel, II we ever did. It's
the worst social crisis we have had
since q guy up on Park avenue
wore a tour.in.hand tie with his
Aress suit at the opera. His name
has never been published. on &C.
count OF the innocent members OF
his family. and he has tried to lead
a blameless life since.
"These here poor smart.s settlers
bAve enough trouble, heaven
The Washington times., 1922-05-07
TELEPHONE APRIL FOOL.

Joke editor sends notice
bills that the res the Public Service order
they need the main
their high quality to the public"
The Washington times., 1922-05-07

will gardeners to raise all the beans
hat be spilled n country during the
The Washington times., 1922-05-07

"coms Into the garden, Maud,
The husband sings with olee.
"come Into the garden. Maud.
And hoe these beans for me-"
The Seattle star. [volume] (Seattle, Wash.) 1899-1947, 1922-06-27
PRINCE HADJI GUlAMI
DESERTS MORO WIVES
FOR AMERICAN BRIDE

MANILA. r. T.. June I'll
Prince HadIi Gulami Rasui Of
tho Moros has deserted his Moro
wives for an American Girl.
The prince and Miss Elma
Stewart OF Washington were
married here and today an
nounced they were leaving for a
tour Of Europe.
I'VE viii not return until the
American governor Il gone from
the Philippines and complete Elm.
dependence Is obtained" Priice
Hadjl said.
None OF the native Moro wives
OF this prince. which he had
taken in accordance with tribal
custom. will accompany the
bridal party In any capacity. and
n bigamy charge brought on tho
grounds that the prince already
was married has been dismissed.
The Seattle star. [volume] (Seattle, Wash.) 1899-1947, 1922-06-27
Engagement
Announced

Miss Margaret Calder entertained
delightfuiiy AZ her home Saturday
evening. at which time the guests
were pleasantly surprised by the
announcement OF the engagement
OF Miss Jessie Calder 10 Mr.. Arthur
n. Chestnut During the service OF
supper two little cuplds appeared.
dressed as bride and groom, an.
nouneing the happy event.
The guest list Included the Misses
Jessie Calder. Helen Hodgman.
Edith Little. Eva Hucka. Eva
Burkhardt. Esther Campbell. Lois
sheeder. Josephine Beck. Elsie
Campbell. Eleanor Williams. Esther
Franks. AdeIla Eimbeck. Florence
cushmsn. Eleanor Jay. May WI.
liams. Helen Beck. Dooiy Franks.
Ethel cushman. Ruth sheeder. Mary
Packenhsm. Elsie Hucka. Margaret
Calder. Mrs. Mackenzie. Mrs. Walter
Staples. Mrs. r. ID. williams. Mrs
Margaret Calder.
The Seattle star. [volume] (Seattle, Wash.) 1899-1947, 1922-06-27
.Lalcn Fctc Planned
for AUGUST 3

The Seattle Federation OF women'u
Clubs win give a lawn fcte and
pageant on the grounds OF Mrs. ELIZA
Ferry Leary's home. Thursday.
August :. tine plans and committees
10 he announced later.
The newly elected officers OF tho
federation Installed at the meeting
held yesterday nc tho Federated
clubhouse are: Mrs. II. n. Maltby.
president: Mrs Daniel Ragan. first
vice president: Mrs. l. q. Foster.
second vice president. Mrs. J. NJ.
Cunningham. corresponding sccrc.
,ary. and Mrs. J. T.. MACPHERSON.
treasurer.
The Seattle star. [volume] (Seattle, Wash.) 1899-1947, 1922-06-27
Seattle
Society
Reception at Rainier Club
VII Honor Visiting
Nurses, Picnic at High
lands Home.

TUE board OF trustees Of the Chill
! dren's orthopedic hospital will
entertain with a reception az the
Rainier club this evening from
until IL o'clock 20 honor the visiting
delegates OF the National organlxa'
ton Of Nurses. who are holding their
convention in the city.
Receiving the guests win be Mrs.
George r. Myers. president: Mrs.
John II. Powell and Mrs George w.
Fischer. vico-rrcsidents. Miss Clara
y. Noyes. OF Washington. president
OF the American Nurses association.
Miss Anna {. Jamme. OF san Fran.
cisco. president OF the National
League Of Nursing Education: Miss
Eiixaheth q. Fox. OF Washington,
president OF the National organlxa.
ton for Public Health Nursing. and
Miss Evelyn Hall. superintendent OF
tho Seattle General hospital. chair
man Of the local committee In charge
81 the convention. will also be In the
receiving line.
The following committees are In
charge Of the reception; Mrs. Charles
n. Stimson. general chairman. Mrs
Henry Ewing. refreshments. assisted
BY Mrs. Frank Elweii Case. Mrs.
William Randall Crawford. Mrs. John
r. Mcmillan. Mrs. George III. Fort
son. Mrs r. III. Parks. Mrs. II. r.
oxsrander. Mrs. III. ID. Taylor, Mrs.
Frederick Hall white and Mrs. IL. J..
Ramsey.
Mrx. David Il. skinner. Mrs. George
r. Myers and Mrs. John II. Powell
are In charge OF the decorations.
Assisting generally viii be Mrs.
Charles II. Collins. Mrs. William A.
Peters. Mrs. worrali Wilson. Mrs.
John w. Roberts. Mrs. William ID.
Perkins and Mrs. NJ A. Gottstesn.
The Seattle star. [volume] (Seattle, Wash.) 1899-1947, 1922-06-27
BridUe Luncheon

Mrs. James b. Kline VIII be
hostess at her residence, 1915 Ma
drona drive. Thursday afternoon.
entertaining with the second OF
series Of bridge luncheons. Twenty
guests will be entertained.
Mr.. and Mrs. Kline will enter
tain fourteen guests over this
Fourth at their summer home at
Berrydale.
The Seattle star. [volume] (Seattle, Wash.) 1899-1947, 1922-06-27
Luncheon Compliments
Departing Misses

Complimenting Miss Ruth and Miss
Helen Huntington and Miss Char.
1otts Palmer. who have been the
guests Of Mrs. Charles Parker the
Fast year while students at the Uni.
versfty Of washington. and who are
having Wednesday for their homes
in Denver. Colo. Mrs A. c. Riggs
- entertaining with a luncheon OF
sight covers at Frederick q Nelson's
wednesday afternoon.
The Seattle star. [volume] (Seattle, Wash.) 1899-1947, 1922-06-27
Bridge Tea for
Miss HOaCe

Mrs. Forrest Goodfellow entertain.
cd charrningiy at her home this
afternoon in compliment to Miss
Catherine Howe. Bridge was the
diversion enjoyed. four tables being
In play with additional guests com.
ing In for tea later. Pink roses cen
tered the attractive tea table where
Mrs. Charles II. Burnett presided
The Seattle star. [volume] (Seattle, Wash.) 1899-1947, 1922-06-27
Series Of Bridge
LuncheOns

Mrs. r. +. Palmerton is entertain.
ing with series OF bridge Iuncheons
at the College club. the first one
taking place last Friday afternoon.
with Mrs. +. r. Pape. who left Sat.
urday for three months visit in
California. as the honor guest. -Four
tables were In play, the honors fall.
ing to Mrs. william @. Estep and
Mrs. @. r. NJ. Pratt.
The second Of the series will be
given Friday. June 30. Sixteen
guests will be entertained and Mrs.
George r.. Crawford OF San Fran.
cisco and Mrs. NJ. A. Waite Of Seat.
tie. whose volume OF poems will soon
be off the press, Will be honor
guests.
The Seattle star. [volume] (Seattle, Wash.) 1899-1947, 1922-06-27

The board Of trustees OF the chii.
6ren's orshopedic hospital viii be en-
RETAINED At luncheon Tuesday by
Mrs. George T. Myers. president OF
the hospital. The affair will be CIV
en- at tho Sunset club preceding the
musical program group OF Tacoma
musicians Is presenting at the club.
Places will be marked for twenty
The Seattle star. [volume] (Seattle, Wash.) 1899-1947, 1922-06-27
Mrs. Converse Hostess
for Mddrond Guild

The Madrona guild win BE- In
charge OF the orthopedlc Tea shop
"Wednesday, with Mrs. II. c. Con.
verse "a hostess. assisted by Mrs. s.
+. Mitchell. Mrs. Frank Victor. Mrs.
Harry Harbaugh. Mrs. A. u. Walker.
Mrs. Herbert Wing. Mrs. Frank
blackburn. Miss Jean Irwin and Miss
Jeanette Hickey.
The Seattle star. [volume] (Seattle, Wash.) 1899-1947, 1922-06-27
Informal Tea Honors
Visitors

A delightful Informal tea was
given this afternoon by Mrs. George
II. Steiner, with Mrs. Julia Crawford
and Miss Mary -. Beach Of Pasadena.
Cal, who are visiting Mrs. Daniel
u. Trefethen, as the honor guests.
Presiding at the dainty tea table
were Mrs. III. X. Bartlett, Mrs.
Charles A. Kinnear. Mrs. II. w.
YuiIe and Miss Anna Richie, assist.
ed by Miss Clara Bartlett and Miss
HussslIa Hardemap
The Seattle star. [volume] (Seattle, Wash.) 1899-1947, 1922-06-27

Boa-constrictors don't even live
as long as parrots, which are said
TO average 100 years In life
time. ] once heard OF an old
lady. about s5 years Of age, who
was told this about a parrot. She
didn't believe IL. SO she bought
a young one. a couple Of months
old, and said she was going TO
keep 1t Just TO sec.
The Seattle star. [volume] (Seattle, Wash.) 1899-1947, 1922-06-27
Hardings to Spend
July 4th at Home

WASHINGTON. June 27.-Presi.
dent Harding and Mrs. Harding are
going back home to spend the Fourth
Of July.
Preparations are going forward for
tho return to Marion. the first visit
since the president entered the
white House
The Seattle star. [volume] (Seattle, Wash.) 1899-1947, 1922-06-27
Luncheon at Home

Mrs. George A. stanton entertained
az luncheon at her home this after.
noon for the active past presidents
OF the woman's Century club. Gov.
ers were placed for eight. and roses
In lovely arrangement adorned the
table.
The Seattle star. [volume] (Seattle, Wash.) 1899-1947, 1922-06-27
Ydchtina Pdrtu

Mr.. and Mrs. Edgar Ames left
Monday on their yacht. Westerly
for a ten days cruise in Canadian
waters. Included among their guests
are Mrs. r. +. Swanstrom. Mrs John
A. Baillargeon and Mr.. Robert cush-
man.