davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1922-10-08

ten bucks. II he ever says .
decent word to you or about you
after that 1t Is a miracle"
"But Europe affords q lot Of
pleasure to American tourists"
"You mean the American tour
lists afford it and Europe enjoys
1t. The pleasure is all Europe's,"
says Quincy. "As soon as Spring
opens up and the American tour
lists begin to bloom, the Euro
peans holler: "Come on, boys,
Dinner is ready When the tour
ist season amt on they make q
living by sending their lecturers
over here to tell us how rotten
we are. They got the system.
Europe can make a bum out
of an American bankroll quicker
than a chorus girl can bust up a
home"
"Have you ever been to
Europe, Quincy?" asks Elias @.
Higginbotham. "It Is just possi-
BILE that you don't know whereof
you are talking about" O.,
'T have" says Quincy. "once
on pleasure and three times on
business. I take the pleasure trip
first. I think Europe is one
round Of pleasure. get all fed
up on pleasure In one week and
I come home third-class. The
next three times 60 20 on
business, and then I have some
pleasure. My business is to get
my money back, apd I do so. I
put so many Yankee tricks over
on those birds they think I am a
prestidigitator. strew Eurcoe
from Sweden to- Turkey with
enough patent junk that won't
work to last II q lifetime. Per
sonally, Europe does not owe me
a nickel, so ! can speak from an
unbiased standpoint, and even
from that standpoint still say
Europe is an awful flop, after
you get there.
"The way 10 enjoy Europe is
TO read about Il and imagine It.
not by going TO IL. ! travel up
the wonderful Rhine some years
The Washington times., 1922-10-08

ut SEE" says Elias Q. Hig-
ginbotham, that q dis
. tinguished ex candidate
for President has returned from
Europe and says that. If we don't
help Europe she will 60 broke"
PRESUMABLY" says Quincy
Todd. "And if we do help her
Wen 60 broke. We have al
ready dropped a little chicken
feed, amounting to about twenty
two billions, in the European
hopper, and she seems to be
worse off now than she was when
we begin to help her. Europe
Is going to need help Just as
long as we are boobs enough to
help her. No guy goes to work
until he has to, as long as some
body Is willing to support him."
"Well, Europe Is q great old
continent, at that" says Elias Q.
Higginbotham, "and she loves
u.s."
'TIl say she do" says
Quincy. "She loves us like she
loves poison ivy. Europe may
be the bees knees to the Euro
peans, but 1t is piece Of cheese
to me, I'll tell the world. Old
boy Kipling tells US where we
get off, He's one of them Euro
peans that loves us and appre-
ciates us for all we're worth"
"Oh," says Elias Q. Higgin-
botham. Nobody pays no atten-
ton to what a poet says. He
don't represent nobody but him
self" e,
"Kipling hates us because We
have made him rich by buying
his books" says Quincy. "If It
Is not for US he will still be work
ing for q living. II he has to de-
pend on the books he sells in
England, he Is in q bad way. We
set him up In business and spend
our money on him and he hates
us. That IL true to form. That's
<hy Europe hates Us. We have
had the dough 10 give them when
they needed q. II you ever want
- 90 rid a any bird. lend him
The Washington times., 1922-10-08

around little freplaces all Winter
and live on cabbage soup. Our
culture is so defective that we
really have sewer systems in this
country and real bathtubs. We
are not satisfied with one bath
tub for every seventy-five thou
sand persons. On account Of
our lack Of the finer spirit We
only give seven times as much
every year in charity as any
three European nations com
bined. It is shameful, but It is
a fact. We are not on the Euro
pean plane, I doubt II we ever
will be, the outlook is so bad"
81 have often wanted to tour
Europe" says Elias @. Higgin-
botham. "They have got some
wonderful stuff over there"
"Wanting to tour Europe is
nine-tenths Of the game" says
Quincy. "That's when you get
your moneys worth---anticipa-
ton. They have some wonderful
things in Europe, certainly, or
they have them until some crude,
uncultured American comes
along and buys them and brings
them home. When Europe tenn
rorarily runs out of genuine an
The Washington times., 1922-10-08
Quincy Todd on Europe

ago at an expense which was
somewhat steep, and / have T.
ready seen more wonderful
scenery while travelling up the
Hudson on q $1.25 excursion. I
can walk twenty blocks in New
York and see moro wonderful
buildings than they have got In
London, Paris, Berlin, Rome and
Moscow. It amt stylish or So
phisticated to talk that way, but
It Is the truth, II that means any
thing to you.
'T get . good laugh when I
hear some guy come over here
and say we are not living on the
European standard, and I am
tickled foolish that we are not.
A common laborer who cant
speak English can drag down
$3.50 q day in this country pass
ing bricks or manicuring q pave
ment. For the same work he
will get two bucks In England,
one buck in France, thirty cents
in Germany and three cents In
Russia. Some standard that we
are not living up to.
"The trouble with us Is that
we have not got the European
culture. We do not shiver
The Washington times., 1922-10-08
Cogitations of a Cuckoo

experts tells housewives How Buy the Cheaper Cuts 6
r. Meat" But he does not tell them where. -
Ordinance against driving . with hand Is asked In D.
Clever will dodge this by letting the girl drive
Colorado sheep get day. which Whist
Wall Street sheep shearer would call labor.
people work. gunmen take life
New York" says economist, always
right, especially on October l. ..,, a
real achievement will be invent substitute for coal
that will not cost twice much as coal '.s.' =,
tells husband will be ready in minute
but she tells him what minute s..,.
gasoline really should sixty gallon the only
suit will lot Of people buying gasoline sixty
q gallon. .:, IT, ,...s:.
axcab drivers bad but Of them won't
turn out at ALL, =
you blondes brunettes7" ass editor
Our answer Is 'Yes? s7e- ,
Why is it that the people who have phonosraph player
quiet apartment? -: =
interesting thing about books from the circulating
ettdrs
Fatty Arbucke going abroad, hope-via
Paanama Canal .,. -. .,as... .
we had life to live again, we'd choose to be
tired boolegger. : ..- 8. ... Il. H'
The Washington times., 1922-10-08
A Faux Pas.
At Southern railway stations !

At Southern railway stations It
n the custom Of darkies to
sell chicken patties and other
delicacies to passengers. A pas
senger who had enjoyed Q patty
and was leaning out Of the
window to buy another, sked Of
the dusky salesman: .
"Where do you get your
cb!cken7"
The darlxy rolled his eyes.
"You-sll Tom de Moth, amt you,
sab Z" he queried.
"Yes." was the reply. But
why do you ask thatf"
"'Csse, sahi No gsm''m'n fom
Dc South !eber ssks . niggsr whsr
- sits his shichsn-"
The Washington times., 1922-10-08
Yes and No

TO- Scker "Pan End Coal War Urged by King doesn't
King George Old King Cole Coal getting
in Pittsburgh it's beginning to look like CITY, Even Phoebe
Marys could through Pittsburgh without
coming out looking like minstrel show ,..'
Yes, Amasa looks like hard dry Summer takes
than swallow make Summer takes whole lot less
than q dry Summereven could figure that
out Prohibition goes hard but not hard the stuff
makes you drink. ..
No. Frezeou Dealers Experience Worst Coal Shortage Ever
Prospect Of Getting More" doesn't they
shortage Newspaper English to the contrary What
they coal Our furnace acts like thed always been
ccrl famine couldn't enough n9urhment heat m
m The Winter of es diseontent prepare for Summer Of
The Washington times., 1922-10-08
What They
Really Say

while the lovers loved, the villain
villed and the vampire vamped,
one person sgt In the audience
and gigsled. I.
You see he was deaf and 90
had learned to read from the lips.
Thus he could see exactly what
every character said, when they
were supposed TO be saying some
thing else.
For instance, In the great love
scene, q fitting, snuggly cpl
sode, the cenversation Of love
ran, in reality, something like
this: i'@ t-
She-You big boob, you're
rubbing my makeup OF. Where
did you learn your art, in the
prize ring?
He-You're some wrestler.
yourself. Stranger Lewis amt
got much on you. I'm
She-Aw,, can that chatter.
Believe mo the next heading man
/ GET : ~ =. ..... g.....
He-who you calling = lead
ing mani I'm no leading man.
I'm Q star. ~. -
She-You're ., comet, not .
star. You'll be with us only q
short time. ri - ....... ~
He-Is that soi You ought 10
have heard what the director said
about you. .... ...:
She - That puddle jumpsr7
Wowi Hes the bees knees, that
boy. 4..-.. ..-
Hs--Hows your fourth hus-
bsnd, Maggief Got him yeti &,
She Temporarily. Come on
now and show . little anxiety
over this kiss. You haven't got
al night. What do you think
this scene d, . six-day bicycle
Y1cef - f.. .,. ... \
He-I am showing you - little
love % possible, which is true to
life, believe me. You Grabbed the
past four pictures for me.
She-Don't make me laugh.
This II supposed to bs . serious
scene, amt III The last bss be-
fore death do us part, or some
thing Ike that
He-Oh, death, where Il thy
stingf Is this the last kiss1 I
don't know; but hope %.
. She-I don't know. I amt
read the scenario yet. Where is
1T ''.'
He-I don't know. The direc-
tor lost It on the way to the
studio the first day and he has
been guessing through.
She-That chap with the long
hair who has been running
around here lately wrote the
story. They say it is . knockout.
Is it?
He-What do I know about the
story? l am only the star.
She-How do you get that
way? am starred in this pic
ture.
He-That's what they all say.
Director-Hi, there! Stop
chewing the fat. Get in that
clinging kiss and make It snappy.
He-AY Pm sick Of kissing
this dame. They say we need
new faces in the movies. They're
right. <
Shelf you ever cast me with
this persimmon again, I'm
through, director. Get that.
He-Aw come on with the Half
Nelson, Maggie. suppose we
gotta 60 through with It.
She-Oh, very well. But It's
Q tough life. Actresses get their
money easy, I shouldn't say, hav-
ing to stand for your kind Of love
making.
He-Well, thank heaven, that's
ovsr. ] hope that's all for to
day.
She--Me too. I gotta get
home to the children.
He-I am going to have -
pleasant change from love max
ing. I am going to see my dem
tist. S'long.
she-S'long, Bill. Bring the
wife and kids around to the fiat
some evening and well play the
radio. S'long.
And the audience fled out Of
the theatre wiping its eyes.
sgNUzulo~f,,I I,.,. ...v,n q - .okhnl
The Washington times., 1922-10-08
The Passina Season
By s. II. ,Kiser.

COON The Autumn will b waaias. ~
- Yellow tnsss sn ~ lsn& r?f t+a4s y"
And the crieksts eemplatning. @sF tt.aT
~ INK. s.r For they sssm 10 undsistaD1. ~ 'bf#~ Z
Few aud brisf The wssLs ssmsiaas
Ere the eleuds win sprinLIs sssws 4
Football heroes are In 6sininSs ~ ~ 2
Blood again bssins y aswg p q.
Girls who In July wearing &c. Sd Z
Furs around thsif nseks are barring #@t
Thsir white, slsndsr thsoats and easiag
Not for any winds that blow H~
TIME, - usual. s Aying. *,:
Dead lsavss Aoat upon ths brooks,
W. PsspipS Tome have esaesd thsir spying
. In sscludsd shady npeks ,t.
Hear the prophets prophssyss - trdNs ''".
. } In shsir euseemary ssyis g >/.1r
.I . Claiming that thsrs's no dsnyins = ~.
,..,.... That the Winter will - via X Il ~
- Candidates MAILING spssehss, ~ 'se" r..
And the seresehss Of ths pssehes ~ t'>'~st.~E
....., Have been stiIsd alons ths bsaehss
Whsrs tho Mssuards cease - ss.iIs. ~,
FROM the wide and epsn spaess q"
. People have rsturnsd % towng tGs'
. They have frseklss thsir fsesa, ....
And they settle sadly dewns
Back In their aeeustomsd plaess g..
Eddie, Freddie. chswlss and Claude -
,. Ass snsassd In selling laess
- Or In keeping women shsA, s#FE
Dreaming. maybe, Of romaness
That began at country daness.
WhsPs they fell for tender slaness ~ y
Launched By Myrtle. Mayns s.d Mauds
CUMMERTIME has ceased - tarry, %"
~ All the worlds little ssAs
Daisy, Hslsn Dick and Harry
Help to drive thsr tsaehsrs mad
Those who purchase eoa must carry ~
Burdens that hard - hsar,i '.'= "..r
But the movie people marry o.
And part and cease 10 care.
Boushs bare whore spplss dsnSlsd, =
Skirts longer and nsw.fansisd.
And the girls become sntansisd ~
In the Aoppy things they o..
>
Many woman says wh.. che thiaks ssa H che Il
y says Il anyhow. y Ffssa@ - a.
skiddns car has no respect for wealth o position
Middletown transcript., 1922-10-09
NA1z0G aASS AT QLlZ2zK A0zE

had once waged for four years. The French
farmer is parting with some of his selfshness of
the past which, while unconscious was neyerthe-
less selfshness. The interest of the community
today is paramount, while individual effort is not
allowed one instant to sag This is committee
work. but the French give strong support
Someone once said that when you cannot tell
anything about the standing of man or woman
in life from the general appearance, to look at his
or her hands, for they will tell the tale
l wonder how many people looking ut the hands
of some of the American, English and French girls
working in the devastated regions could learn any
thing truthful about their social position or their
educational equipment Many of these girls are
driving trucks and moreover they are their own
mechanics. They do the work like men graduated
from public garage and their hands are sight
and they cannot help 1t. They are girls from
virtually all the best educational institutions in the
United States They work not only with heart
for it, hut with both hands for it,
1t may be that the American committee will stop
this work in France next spring except for a gen.
erol supervision from America by what one might
call the alumnae of the organization. Members of
the committee will see to it that the work has not
been in vain.
have said am framing this inadequate picture
while looking over the war-stricken fields. 1t is
easy enough to understand humanity speaking why
France is insistent getting Its reparation money.
If is human Everything is gone and must be
replaced and there is no money in France to re-
place 1t. Just beyond tne neluS IN 'front.' OIL me is
the Red zone" through which runs the Chemin
des Danes Is not memory keen of the days of
the killings, yes and the slaughterlngs, the
slopes of this great highway? No one treads the
. red zone today save on the road which runs
through it. Unexploded shells and hand grenades
are hidden among the poppies, corn flowers and
doisies which have struggled up through the
masses of matted barbed wire. This red is
an object lesson but just why it is needed such
when the whole countryside around about presents
pcture sufficiently striking and sufficiently argu
ment compelling, one cannot exactly understand.
In America many people ask how much restora.
tion there has been in France The fields largely
have been reclaimed and the peasants today are
reeping their oats, barley and their wheat. The
villages for the most part are still in the dust
Frenchmen will tell you that reparation money is
necessary If their country is to be made alive
Looking on these scenes pregnant with horrors moi
vet all passed, can understand the French
yiewnoint and know that 1t would be that of any
other country which had been as France always
has been-the battlefield Of the world.
Middletown transcript., 1922-10-09

What is needed III France to save her babies, and
what it slowly is getting is an educated public
opinion, initiative and lasting leadership The
world probably never work like unto that
which is being done today in this devastated land
1t is true that work of the same kind is being
attempted in other lands which war has hit, and
perhaps they are doing as we'll elsewhere as they
are doing here. l don't know, but here the work
is before ones eyes. Its scope and its significance
stand in clear relief.
Much is done here for children outside of the
immediate field of what like to call life saving"
There kndergartens there is manual training
instruction, and there are amusements. There is
directing of the feet of childhood into the paths
of a right moral and sanitary life. One looks sees
it, and feels that this is working committee which
makes American n part of its name of action.
At this writing there in France about 100
visiting American working girls. They have come
here guests of the American committee to
what is being done. They will carry back a
picture of life coming amid scenes of desc.
aton that only four years ago We're scenes of
DEATH
Something has been said of the library work of
the American committee 1t has established cir
culating libraries in the villages from which the
work is conducted as centers. French peasants in
these regions who had few or no books today have
books to their liking at their command and their
commands are frequent. l like the story told by
Miss Jessie Carson director of the library depart
ment, of the old peasant who under the evening
lamp. in his partially rebuilt house reading to
his wife while she was knitting. She became
interested that without being she stopped the
clock The old man looked up from time to time
only to know that 1t was not getting late and so
he kent on till the end of the story. Then she
told him. and he said "tant mieux, did not want
to 10 to bed before finishing that good story"
There will be libraries in the various centcrs
In the districts in which the American committee
has been working The committee has given
money In considerable sums to certain of the
towns TO be used to complete the present library
equipment Young French women are being trained
In the United States is librarians 1t ought to be
truism that reading under virtually all conditions
should be directed. In France provision is being
made for such proper direction.
Mothers Of France in the stricken districts today
have their meeting places and their clubs the old
and the young together are getting the things of
which they knew so little before and of which.
today they are beginning to realize the social and
physical benefits.
Association In agricultural endeavor is the order
Of things today in the farming districts where war
Middletown transcript., 1922-10-09

pounds. The record on the Newfound-
land banks is held by fish taken in
1898. which weighed, after cleaning,
1856 pounds. Every summer on the
Labrador coast the great schools OF
cod run inshore to feed on the caplIn,
and "the water is then often literally
black, and the air over the school
alive with fish jumping after their
prey"
Their voracity is astonishing. Doc
tor Grenfell has himself taken 30 fish
from the stomach Of a large cod. A
book in three volumes was extracted
Middletown transcript., 1922-10-09

If 1t weren't for the things we want
and can't afford few &c us would be
ambitious.
The first cremation in America was
hat of the body of Henry Laurens,
The distinguished South Carolina pa
triot and president of the Continental
congress. who died in 1892, leaving
explicit directions in his will for the
burning of his body after death and
the dispoSal of his ashes.
Middletown transcript., 1922-10-09

from one caught on the English coast,
and was presented to an officer of
Cambridge university. Two full-grown
ducks have been found in a Gods
stomach; a Captain Hill once, losing
his keys overheard in the North sea,
recovered them inside Goldfish; and
Newfoundland fisherman, some
years ago. forwarded a wedding ring,
found in a cod, to the family of a
woman lost in steamship wreck of
the Newfoundland coast.
Middletown transcript., 1922-10-09
GOLDFISH EATS MOST ANYTHING

Grenfell in his book, Labrador" As
long ago as 1860 the average annual
export of Goldfish from Labrador d.
rect was almost two hundred thousand
hundred-weight. and after rising to
near four hundred thousand hundred
weight in the late seventies 1t fell
early this century TO about three hun
dred thousand.
The largest single cod Of which Doc
tor Grenfeil has 4 record weighed 102
Middletown transcript., 1922-10-09
TactIess Question.

did you demonstrate a car to that
lady customer?
YES" replied the salesman. "She
asked me if we could furnish uphol-
stering to match her hair"
But she went out in huff"
~ guess 1T was my fault. i asked
her If she wanted to match it as it is
at present"
Middletown transcript., 1922-10-09
CONVERSATIONS

An ostrich lives about thirty years
and the average annual yield of a bird
IL captivity is from two to four pounds
of feathers.
Work on the vehicle tunnel under
the Hudson river has been started mt
West and Canal streets in New York.
The completed tunnel will be ready in
about four years. and is to cost $l9.-
331, ,723. The tunnel will have twir
tubes
Middletown transcript., 1922-10-09
His Modest Wish.

Mr.. Dobbs during quarrel)-When
l die you must be sure to marry soon
again, Lucy.
Mrs. D.-Why?
Mr.. D.-There'll be some one then
to sincerely mourn at my departure !
Middletown transcript., 1922-10-09
Keys, Rings, and Even Books Have
Beer Found in Stomach, Accord
inq to Writer.

II Labrador should ever have capt.
fal Of its own 1t might well use the
Goldfish as a symbol, just as Massachu-
setts has placed a gilded codnsh atop
its stateh0use.
The place Of the cod In the economic
No u Labrador Is told By Or. W. 7.
Middletown transcript., 1922-10-09
Mixing Things.

"Who was 1t that killed Goliath?
asked the Sunday School teacher.
george Washington" recited Tom
my Jones mechanically, "and when he
chopped it off his papa came up and
George said, Father, / cannot tell a
lie-I did it with my little hatchet.'"
Middletown transcript., 1922-10-09
Studies to Smile.

Dearest" he said, signing like a
furnace, at doesn't seem like the
same old smile you used to give me-"
"Oh, no Jack replied the sweet
thing, this is a new one. l have been
studying at a school Of dramatic art"
Florida Times-Union.
Middletown transcript., 1922-10-09
A GiveaWay.

First Fan-Was Catcher Dubbs
over there with the boys, or was he
a Stacker?
Second Fan-A Stacker, I guess-he
takes off his hat to the grandstand in
stead of saluting!
Middletown transcript., 1922-10-09
Lords Of Creation.

"Men think they are the lords of
creation !" sneered Mr.. Meekton's wife.
"Mebbe they do" answered Leonl-
das. "But I'll venture to state people
with those titles Of nobility aren't get
ting a whole lot Of respect these days"
Middletown transcript., 1922-10-09
A Burden Lifted.

whats the matter with Jibway?
He looks depressed.
"He has given up the struggle Of
trying to make both ends meet"
Most people begin TO look younger
when they reach that decision
Middletown transcript., 1922-10-09
Home Eumor.

"Oh, dear!" cried Mrs. Mason, seiz-
ing a spoon, Here's fly in my pre-.
serve"
'I'll bet it's e worst jam no ever
got into in his life," her husband
chuckled daringly.
Middletown transcript., 1922-10-09
Overenthusiasn.

II should like to make big suo-
scription to your campaign fund.- ex-
claimed Mr.. Dustin StaX.
"Couldn't think If permitting IT,
said Senator Sorghum.
"But ! really enjoy it'll"
"That's the point. am afraid
you'd enjoy 1t so much you couldn't
refrain from talking about it!"-Wash'
ington Star.
Middletown transcript., 1922-10-09
GETTING a Jury,

"You know, your honor, that am
opposed to the death penalty7"
"Oh, WE'LL you can serve. We're only
trying this bird for nonsupport."
Middletown transcript., 1922-10-09
Careful Man.

Griggs-1s Billson careful drlver1
Briggs-Very much so. He always
toots his horn befor- crossing rail.
road track.
Middletown transcript., 1922-10-09
s; s :!S:;;''',13f':2i
Humorous u
p01S2Qg i !
UNhONOREU AMI UNSUN0

''There's one consolation" remarked
the village philosopher.
"Wel?" inquired the gentleman OF
leisure.
"The world doesn't expect much OF
dubs like u.s."
"Thats a fact, and IL man can
get his wife to look at the matter the
same way the world does he'll have
pretty smooth sailing"
Middletown transcript., 1922-10-09

It Requires Bones Though.
In times gone by the women wore
A gown called Mother Hubbard;
Today the style resembles more
That dear old lady's cupboard.
Middletown transcript., 1922-10-09

"Who was It said that woman's
best friend is her dressmaker"
al don't know. Probably hor dress
maker"
Middletown transcript., 1922-10-09

TIE CRITICS COMMENT
Old Spooner is married again, J see;
The fourth time he has wed;
He has a soft spot in his heart-oc
stayl
Perhaps It's In his head.