davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The central record. (Lancaster, Ky.) 18??-current, 1922-01-19
Laugh and Live

Father "why are the students
carrying their books to class today!
They never did il before"
son:-"They have examination
today"
Miss Sanders 49," Lucien. what's
the difference between a pint and a
quartz"
Lucien:-"A pint makes you hap
py and quart makes you drunk"
Miss Sexton Now. tell me what
were the thoughts that passed thru
Sir Isaac Newton's mind when the
apple fell on his head"
Roger:-"Guess he felt awful glad
II wasn't brick"
Prof. Boyd:-"Jack. IL you had a
little more spunk you would stand
better in your class. Now do you
know what spunk is?"
Jaek:-"Yes sir. It's the past par
tieiple Of spank"
Sam ~ went TO see Lavcrne the
other night and someone threw a
brick in the window and hit her in the
side"
Walker:-"Did Il hurt herr"
sam:-"No, but 1, broke two Of
my fingers"
Sam Elliott's feet continues to
grow
Ben Kayanaugh is still lacking
above the ears.
Battle-axe Cox says he will die II
he lives long enough, but II he does
not live long enough he doesn't know
what will happen TO him.
The central record. (Lancaster, Ky.) 18??-current, 1922-01-19

Officers of the National Re-
tail Shoe Association have
sprung a bomb upon the coun-
try. They assert that the feet
of our charming women are
gradually growing in size, and
that as a consequence much
larger shoes are in demand.
Scandalous, We never
dreamed that an American
man could be so ungallantl
Even if it were true, they
should have said larger shoes
are more in demand. owing to
the superlative wisdom of our
enlightened and emancipated
womanhood in declining to
longer torture themselves by
cramping their feet in shoes a
size too small for them"
As long as a dollar bill is
circulating around here il is
worth n dollar TO the commun-
ity.
When sent away il begins to
enrich other people in other
places. II seldom ever re-
turns.
Keep the dollars at home as
long as possible. Others are
not tearing their hair in an ef-
fort TO hand them 10 us.
The central record. (Lancaster, Ky.) 18??-current, 1922-01-19

Tanlac Vegetable Pills are sold OF
positive guarantee TO give perfect
satisfaction. Try them tonight ane
you will be delighted to find the re
suits you have obtained.
It) Stormes Drug Store
The central record. (Lancaster, Ky.) 18??-current, 1922-01-19

See the sample Of Cunsons Cranary
Filler Seed Oats on exhibit at our
Office. This oat has yielded from 80
To 100 bushels per acre. !, spells
quality. Hudson a Farnsu.
The central record. (Lancaster, Ky.) 18??-current, 1922-01-19
Red Cross Notes

The Christina. Seal sale has beer
more generously contributed 60 this
year in rural communities than In
former years.
Bryantsvillc made no contribution
TO this fund last year. but this year
has lead all the other communities
in the county In their Sea- purchases
The sale this year in Lancaster was
conducted by the Young Peoples
Societies in the different churches
The &. =. ~ the Presbyterian church
had the largest sale Miss Shirley
Denny was chairman Of the COM
mittec and deserves a great deal %
credit FOR the manner IN which she
conducted her campaign.
The money contributed last year
has been used in placing two chill
dren with tuberculosis o. the hip IN
hospitals. where they have received
treatment for several months An
the tuberculosis Of the county have
been furnished with sanitary sputum
cups and have had same supervision
from the Red Gross public Health
nurse
The public may be assured that
the contributions this year will be
put to the best possible use.
The local Red Cross Chapter Is
offering a course for the young
women Of the community IN the pre-.
vention 81 disease in the home.
The course was required Of an wo-
men who acted a. nurses aids in the
World War. 4 class will be organiz-
ed as soon as fifteen members are en-
rolled. Each class elects their own
The central record. (Lancaster, Ky.) 18??-current, 1922-01-19

II We had 20 pay high price Tor
the free advice We get most Of "a
would suddenly discover an element
q value IN IL.
The central record. (Lancaster, Ky.) 18??-current, 1922-01-19

II you once give Tanlao an hon.
ct trial you will add your voice
20 the thousands o. others who are
pra.sing T. Stormes Drug Store. H.
The central record. (Lancaster, Ky.) 18??-current, 1922-01-19

Regardless ~ the fact that they
continue 20 call u moonshine. most
% il u handled now In broad day
light
The central record. (Lancaster, Ky.) 18??-current, 1922-01-19

All the world loves a loycr--cx-
ccpi the lover who loves only him.
self.
The central record. (Lancaster, Ky.) 18??-current, 1922-01-19

They say red tape in Washington
Is disappearing. Using another col
or, perhaps.
The central record. (Lancaster, Ky.) 18??-current, 1922-01-19

Perhaps then the men would
be sufficiently Disguised to pay
no more attention to them
than to any other animal UNI
adorned.
The central record. (Lancaster, Ky.) 18??-current, 1922-01-19

n NHbu HAAtoo man SAdilhS VII
a street corner as an attrac-
tive lady is passing.
Without any desire to injure
and with no apparent purpose
i'm mind, he makes a flip or sug-
gestive remark.
Others hear il, and repeat il,
and in time il grows TO wild
proportions and races from
lip TO lip with lightning speed.
1t graduates from the class
of mere gossip and assumes
the dignity of a scandal.
II is too spicy a morsel to
keep. and soon everybody is en-
gagged in "spilling the beans"
1t is thus that many an I'M
blemished reputation is unjust
ly dragged into the mire thru
the medium of a tongue that
has no curb.
Step on the brake.
The central record. (Lancaster, Ky.) 18??-current, 1922-01-19

Tanlae is appetizing. invigoratins
and strengthening. Try IL and be
convinced. Stormes' Drug Store. II.
The central record. (Lancaster, Ky.) 18??-current, 1922-01-19
CymnAsiuni

The girls have not been able 20
play basket ball or take any physical
training on account % the cold wealth
or.
We hope this tale Of woe reaches
the ears, hearts, and pocket-book Of
the community so We may have a
gymnasium by another year.
The Senior Class was able TO give
only a short Chapel program Tues
day morning. on account Of eNamina-
tons coming last week Among the
features Of the program was a piano
solo, "The Rosary" By Miss Faye
King and eornet solo. Little
Crumbs Of Happiness" by Mr.. Cecil
Henry, with Miss LaVerne Dickerson
at the piano. Everyone enjoyed the
program. and we hope that next time
a much longer one can be given By
this class Of '22.
Some Of the people that take
Caesar have found out:
You can lead a horse 10 water.
But you can't make him drink.
You can ride Latin pony.
But you can't make him think.
The New York herald., 1922-02-12
7'.I!,.'56

At left-Polo season in full
swing at Miami, Fla. Picture
shows Carl G. Fisher, million
aire sportsman Of Indianapolis,
scoring a goal.
Underwood 4 Underwood.
The New York herald., 1922-02-12

Above-No longer
s u pr e m e in Ire
land, the family Of
the former Vice
roy: Viscount and
Viscountess Fitza-
Ian of Derwent,
their daughter, the
Hon. w. Fitzalan-
Howard and son,
Capt. Fl. E. Fitza-
lan-Howard.
Keystone View.
The Mellette County pioneer. [volume] (Wood, Mellette County, S.D.) 19??-1971, 1922-07-07
Bologna and Sausage Alike.

When IS u sausage not Il sausage!
When it's q bologna.
This puZZling question vas decided.
and then again it was not, recently by
the HobokeD IN. W coming commits
sion. Just when 1t looked as If there
was much difference between a saus-
age and q bologna it was decided
that, both OF them wearing tights,
they were the same thing.
1t was an important question in
Hoboken. 1t arose over the applica-
ton Of George f. Herold. 85-87 Jack
son Street, for a permit to erect a
plant for the Manufacture 81 smoked
ham, general provisions and bologna.
The coming ordinance of HOboken for
bids the manufacture Of sausage in
the business zone. There was much
discussion and 1t seemed for a time
as If the matter might reach serious
proportions when Building Inspector
Joseph Cummings finally definitely
decided the question.
They both wear tights, and that
makes sausage and bologna the same
thing" he said. The permit was re-
fused, but decision was deferred until
the next meeting.
The Mellette County pioneer. [volume] (Wood, Mellette County, S.D.) 19??-1971, 1922-07-07

not tell! He too thought l had or
dered the doing of that thing!
From the Miwaka, Ramsdell yelled
curses at me, threatening me for what
he thought that | had done! | looked
at Sp?arman as he got up from the
deck, and | read the thought that had
been in HIM; he had believed that he
could cut the hawSer In the dark, none
seeing. and that u word that 1t had
been broken wG}ld have as much
strength as any accusation STAFFORD
could make. He had known that to
share a secret such as that with me
would make" him on the lakes: for
the loss Of the Miwaka would cripple
Stafford and Ramsdell and strengthen
me; and ne could make me share with
him whatever | made. But Stafford
had surprised him at the haWser anu
had seen.
81 moved to denOunce him, Father,
as | realized this; | moved-but
stopped. He had made himself safe
against accusation by me! None
none ever would believe that lie had
done this except by my order, if he
should claim that; and he made plain
that he VAS going TO claim that. lie
called me Il fool and deied me. Luke
even my own man, the only one left
on the tug with us-believed it! And
there was murder in it now with Stat
ford dying there upon the deck and
with the certainty that all those on
the Miwaka could not be saved. ]
felt the moose as If it had been al
ready tied about my neck! And j
had done no wrong, Father! / had
only thought wrong!
$50 long as one lived among those
on the Miwaka who had seen what
was done, / knew l would be hanged
yet I would have saved them if could,
But, In my comprehension OF what
this meant. I only stared at Stafford
where he lay and then at Spearman,
and | let him get control of the tug,
The tug, whose wheel l had dashed,
heading her into the waves, had been
moving slowly. Spearman pushed me
aside and went to the wheelhOuse; ne
sent Luke TO the engines, and from
that moment Luke was his. He turned
the tug about to where we still saw
the lights of the Miwaka. The steam
or had struck upon the reef; she huns
there for a time; and Spearman-he
had the wheel and Luke, at his or
ders, was at the engine-held the tu9
off and we beat slowly to and fro un
til the Miwaka slipped off and sank
The Mellette County pioneer. [volume] (Wood, Mellette County, S.D.) 19??-1971, 1922-07-07
Rivalry in Crying.

1t was Edwards first year at school
ard the teacher, finding one day that
he had not mastered his lesson prop
crly, told him to remain after school
md she would help him. When the
time for dismissal came and Edward
saw the other children leaving he
thought he was being punished by be-
ing kept in and he began to cry. The
teacher in an effort to quiet him said.
Edward, l heard such loud
crying" Edward stopped and looked
at her through his tears and said:
well. you ought to hear my brother
Donald, he's got me skinned q mile"
The Mellette County pioneer. [volume] (Wood, Mellette County, S.D.) 19??-1971, 1922-07-07

Some had gone down. with her, no
doubt but two boats had got off, car
rying lights. They saw the tug ap-
| preaching and cried ont and stretched
their hands to us; but Spearman
stopped the tlg. They rowed toward
us then, but when they got near, Spear
man moved The tug away from them,
and then again stopped. They cried
| out again and rOwed toward us; again
he moved the tug away, and then they
understood and stopped rowing and
cried curses at us. One boat soon
drifted far away: we knew Of It's cap
sizing by the extinguishing of It's light,
The other capsized near to where we
were. Those in it who had no life
belts and could not swim, sank first.
Some could swim and, for a while they
fought the waves"
Alan, as he listened, ceased con-
sciOusly to separate the priests voice
from the sensations running through
him. His father was Stafford, dying
| at Corvet's feet while Corvet watched
the death Of the crew Of the Miwaka /;
Alan himself, a child, was floating with
a lifebelt among those struggling In
the water whom Spearman and COrvet
were watching die. Memory; was II
that which now had come to him? No;
rather 1t was a realization of all the
truths which the priests words were
bringing together and arranging right
ly for him.
Alan's father died In the morning.
All day they stayed out in the storm,
avoiding vessels, They dared not
throw Stafford's body overheard or
that Of the engineer, because, if found,
the bullet holes would have aroused
inquiry. When night came again, they
had taken the two ashore at some wild
spot and buried them; to make identi-
fication harder, they had taken the
things that they had with them and
buried them somewhere else. The
child-Alan-Corvet had smuggled
ashore and sent away; he had told
Spearman later that the child had
died.
"Peace-rest !" Father Perron said
in a deep voice. peace to the dead! !"
But for the living there had been
no peace. Spearman had forced Cor
vet to make him his partner; Corvet
had tried to take up his life again,
but had not been able. His wife,
aware that something was wrong with
him. had learned enough so that she
had left him. Luke had come and
The Mellette County pioneer. [volume] (Wood, Mellette County, S.D.) 19??-1971, 1922-07-07
LAYS WORRY ASIDE:
''Uncle Jim" Unaffected by Cares
Of the Day.
"Squatter" in New York City Has
Permanent Home and All His
Modest Needs Supplied.


In New York, where the high-cost-
of-living specter haunts the millions
and some m~illionaires, possession by
Il pennileSs man OF health, happiness
and a home on Riverside drive, with
acres OF front lawn, is perhaps an ac-
complishment without precedent. Yet,
for - years, Uncle Jim Miller, Man
hattan's oldest, if not only real
'squatter," has enjoyed these things
as a result of:
Just bellevin' In God"
Uncle jim Is q negro who, on Feb
ruary 10, entered upon his seventy
third year, and is today smilingly CON
ndent that he will live beyond the
century mark without the loss Of his
health or physical activity. His theory
IS that God will take care of anyone
who trusts Him, although he does not
quite carry this belief TO the point of
a lily-of-the-field existence, and admits
that his health has been and will be
maintained by his physical efforts in
gathering, cutting and saving wood
for his winter fires, doing his w
washing and cooking and otherwise
keeping his house in order.
In 1900, when what Is now his front
lawn was marsh land almost on a
level with the Hudson river, Uncle
Jim" was employed by u contractor
named Conway as one of a number OF
laborerS who were to fill In the
marshes lying along the Hudson's
east bank. He was provided with
boards for a little shack" which he
built with It's back against a huge
boulder. Then he aided in filling in
what IS now his front yard. When
the work was completed and the con-
tractor and his men moved, Uncle
Jim,' having staked his claim, rs he
says, decided to squat" there in
definitely.
Conway said it was all right with
him, ana since then various owners Of
the property have given tacit consent
to his remaining. AS his lawn is
flled-in-Iand, hardly suitable for the
foundations Of houses, the old squat
ter feels secure in his possession.
The one-room shack is now
strengthened on the river side by
sheets Of tin which resist the winter
blasts. Within is a stove, some cook
ing and eating utensils and Il cot, but
"Uncle Jim spends most Of his time
outdoors. From the Hudson he obtains
crabs and fish for his meals, and an
odd job now and then briggs sufficient
change with which to buy bread, cot
fee and tobacco.
"Vhen ! came here" said Uncle
jim this was all a wilderness.
always liked to rough 1t, and l never
in my life worried about anything
I'm happy and never was sick a day
l get all | need, and this IS the kind
Of life | like-so why shouldn't ! be
thankful?
II don't want any better home than
this, and | don't need any more mon
ey to live as / do here. l want to be
outdoors all the time. At night ]
read n little by lampllght. l never
wore glasses, and lately / think | am
getting my second sight can sec
better than did 2 short while back
AS he talked Uncle jim" sat in
front Of his shack smoking a pipe
that appeared to be almost rs old rs
Its owner, and quite as strong, and
smiling broadly, n perfect outpictur-
ing Of his peculiarly serene mental
makeup.
The Mellette County pioneer. [volume] (Wood, Mellette County, S.D.) 19??-1971, 1922-07-07
A Reliable Firm to Ship to
Rice Brothers
Live Stock Commission
Cattle - Hogs - Sheep
Sioux City Stock Yards
Kill All files THE B1s srsEAD
Elaborate Responsibility.
Sioux City Stock Yards

ITS n busy life," remarked the man
who was waving n palm leaf fan.
How have you been occupying your
self?"
"Voting. It's everybOdy's duty to
vote. In addition to voting for state,
county and town officers, ! voted in
the primaries, got elected as n delegate
and voted over ana over in the con
vention. OF course, I'm going TO vote
in the fall election, and | only hope
they'll let ne round GU by record by
putting me in the electoral college,
Detroit News.
The Mellette County pioneer. [volume] (Wood, Mellette County, S.D.) 19??-1971, 1922-07-07

strong and can do every bit Of my work
and not a pain in my back now. ] rec
ommend your medicine and you can use
this letter as a testimonial" - Mrs.
PHIL. MAsER, S0l Winslow ST., st. Paul,
MINI.
Just another case where a woman
found relief by taking Lydia E. Pink
hams Vegetable Compound. Many
times these tired, WORKOUT feelings and
pains about the body are from troubles
only women have. The Vegetable Com
pound is especially adapted for just this
condition. The good results are noted by
the disagreeable symptoms passing
away-one after another.
Lydia E. Pinkham's Vegetable Com
pound is a Woman's Medicine for Wo-
men'sAAilments. Always reliable.
The Mellette County pioneer. [volume] (Wood, Mellette County, S.D.) 19??-1971, 1922-07-07
CHANCES.

The eastern slope Of the Rockies
was more humid In the Cretaceous and
Tertiary than now, as II may judge
by the petrified forests scattered from
the Yellowstone park to Arizona, and
The remains Of holly, oaks, elms, chest.
nuts, sequoias, and other trees in the
OOrissant shales OF Colorado. In tho
Tertiary age the East and West were
again united by land. But this vas a
period of successive upllfts and de-
nressions. Areas became submerged
and their forests destroyed. Other
areas were subjected to severe changes
locally. Erosion and other disturbances
must have greatly modified the char.
acter, proportion and distribution Of
the species. Then came the Ice age.
and forces re-established themselves.
The Mellette County pioneer. [volume] (Wood, Mellette County, S.D.) 19??-1971, 1922-07-07
Women Conduct Church Service.

At the East End Methodist church
at Montreal on a recent Sunday the
entire service was conducted by wom-
also, and furnished the musical pro-
gram, while the pastor of the church
sat with the congregation.
The Mellette County pioneer. [volume] (Wood, Mellette County, S.D.) 19??-1971, 1922-07-07
Not WorryinQ.

The precociousness OF modern youth
Is APPLY shown In the following con-
versation which took place between u
woman and q ~five-year-old boy:
~ guess I'm a bad old woman to be
humoring and spelling u little boy like
YOU" ~
But. Aunt Emma, that isn't worry
ing me q bit" r'"s'r~f
-S,zs \
The Mellette County pioneer. [volume] (Wood, Mellette County, S.D.) 19??-1971, 1922-07-07

tired, feel
ing and painful peri
DDS. | used to get up
with a pain in my
head and pains in my
lowerparts andback.
Often | was not able
to do my work. I
read in your little
book about Lydia E.
Pinkham's Vege-
table Compound and
I have taken it. /
faol on we'll md
The Mellette County pioneer. [volume] (Wood, Mellette County, S.D.) 19??-1971, 1922-07-07
Probably Needed IL.

Henry" said Mrs. Peckton, 81 had
IN words with a traffic policeman
this morning"
"Where was he ~statiOned?'
AT the intersection Of Plymouth and
Spruce"
"Tll speak to the fellow at once"
"Don't offer him any violence,
Henry"
Il won't. I'll offer him my SYM
pathy."-Birmingham Age-Herald.
The Mellette County pioneer. [volume] (Wood, Mellette County, S.D.) 19??-1971, 1922-07-07

In being consistent n finds he has
often to sacrifice q cherished preju.
dice.
The Mellette County pioneer. [volume] (Wood, Mellette County, S.D.) 19??-1971, 1922-07-07

The bill Of the albatroSs Is q pale
pink color. shading to yellow at the
tip.
The Mellette County pioneer. [volume] (Wood, Mellette County, S.D.) 19??-1971, 1922-07-07
WOMAN COULD !
@ Not WORK
Made Strong and Well by
Lydia e. Pinkham's Veg
stable Compound


St. Paul, Mimi took Lydia e.
Pinkham's Vegetable Compound for a
The Mellette County pioneer. [volume] (Wood, Mellette County, S.D.) 19??-1971, 1922-07-07

Fatner, the r6nSOn was Cnat Spearman
had cut 1t!
"I rang for the engine to be slowed,
and I left the wheel and went aft /;
some struggle was going on at the
stern Of the tug; a flash came from
there and the cracking Of a shot. Sud-
denly all was light about me as, aware
Of the breaking of the hawSer and
alarmed by the shot, the Searchlight of
the Miwaka turned upon the tug. The
cut end Of the hawser was still upon
the tug, and Spearman had been trying
to clear this when Stafford attacked
him; they fought, and Stafford struck
Spearman down. He turned and cried
out against me-accuslng me of hav-
ing ordered Spearman to cut the line.
He held up the cut end toward Rams
dell on the Miwaka and cried out to
him and showed by pointing that 1t
had been cut. Blood was running
from the hand with which he pointed,
for he had been shot by Spearman /;
and now again and a second and a
third time, from where he lay upon the
deck, Spearman fired. The second Of
those shots killed the engineer, who
had rushed out where i was on the
deck; the third shot went through
Stafford's head. The Miwaka was drift
ing down upon the reef; her whistle
sounded again and again the four long
blasts. The fireman, who had followed
the engineer up from below, fawned
on me! l was safe for all him, he
said; l could trust Luke--Luke would
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1922-09-24

The South Bend News Iimes-aways on the lookout
for metropolitan features for its readerswiI is
sue in connection with its regular edition Sunday
A BEAUTIFUL EIGHT PAGE ROTOCRAVURE
SECTION. This feature will be carried regularly in
The Sunday News-Imes, EXCLUSIVELY.
The addition Of the Rotogravure section to The Sun
day News-Iimes is just another step in this newspa-
per's plan to give the reading public Of Northern IL
diana and Southern Michigan the best there is in the
newspaper world
Do not delay. Play safe by seeing today that get
next Sundays South Bend News Times.
The Cordova daily times., 1922-05-03

dent of the Baltimore & Ohio railroad and Wallace D. Hines, former director general of the United States Railroad Administration.
 Topics considered at morning and afternoon sessions were: Labor Pro visions of the Transportation Act and "Freight Rates and Business Revival" :" Speakers included W. N. Doak, vice president of the Brotherhood of Rail- road Trainmen; Henry T. Hunt, form CT member of the United States Rail road Labor Board; T. c. Powell, vice president of the Erie Railroad; Charles R. Hook, general manager of the Roll ing Mill Company Middletown, Ohio; I. D. A. Morrow, vice-president of the National Coal Association; R. H. Aish- ton. president of American Railway As sociation, Chicago; William J. Gun ningham, Harvard University; c. B. Heiserman, general counsel of Penn sylvania Railroad; Frank H. Dixon, Princeton University; Henry k. Sea- ger, Colombia University; Albert Shaw, editor of Review of Reviews, and Samuel McCune Lindsay, prcsi- dent of Academy of Political Science