davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Telegraph-courier. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1888-1946, 1922-10-26

If Chairman Lasker of the Shipping Board
does not feel that he can operate American
ships under the constitutional law of merica
there is the alternative Of giving up mis- job.
We do not desire to sacrifice the constitution
to retain Mr.. Lasker in his office
The Telegraph-courier. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1888-1946, 1922-10-26

Keep right on swatting the flies. The fell
low who allows the flies to find a winter resi-
dence in his home must not wonder that they
take possession in the spring and force him
out They are easy to kill now and now is the
time to kill them.
The Telegraph-courier. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1888-1946, 1922-10-26

The movement for higher things hasn't been
complete failure. It has lifted the dance
from the feet to the shoulders.
The Telegraph-courier. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1888-1946, 1922-10-26

Another definition of zero in excitement is
found by the fellow who is running for a pub
lie office without any one running against him.
The Telegraph-courier. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1888-1946, 1922-10-26

The average road map is clear enough. The
hard part is to find the darned roads.
The Telegraph-courier. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1888-1946, 1922-10-26

The fourth tournament of the local
golf club took place this afternoon on
the links.
The Telegraph-courier. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1888-1946, 1922-10-26

The brick water tower in Racine was
completed yesterday The tower is 1872
feet high and IS feet in diameter.
The Telegraph-courier. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1888-1946, 1922-10-26

Ashes; wilted flower; post-season sport
page.
The Telegraph-courier. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1888-1946, 1922-10-26

"The Gay Matinee Grip is the next
attraction scheduled to play at the
Rhode.
The Telegraph-courier. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1888-1946, 1922-10-26
WORTHLESS.

In Moscow the American dollar now
is worth 25,000,000 rubles.
At such figure, any quotation on
rubles is ridiculous, for the ruble obvi-
ousIy is so close to absolute worthless
ness that no human mind can conceive
the difference.
1t is monumental warning against
the folly of Initiating country's cur
rency.
The Telegraph-courier. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1888-1946, 1922-10-26

Mark H. Barwise, Maine delegate to
convention of spiritualists in Chi
cago, is quoted as promising golf fans
that they will have their game after
they pass into the hereafter.
The prospect will appeal to the thou
sands who would be unable to accept
any condition in eternity as truly joy
full without golf.
From cradle to grave, we are re-
minded of the "joys of work" Some
how, though, the projectors neglect to
include time clocks, trial balances,
dustrags and lathes in their pictures of
The Telegraph-courier. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1888-1946, 1922-10-26

Bluff: A high steep bank; also an ultima
tunl.
The Telegraph-courier. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1888-1946, 1922-10-26

Colds come and colds go, and all that
we can do is blow.
The Telegraph-courier. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1888-1946, 1922-10-26

The new smokestack at the Chicago.
Rockford Hosiery Company was fin.
ished Friday night.
The Telegraph-courier. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1888-1946, 1922-10-26

Announcements have been received
here of the marriage of Orson F..
FTowsley and Mrs. Julia Rice at Boston,
Mass, on October Fl.
The Telegraph-courier. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1888-1946, 1922-10-26

The boys of the University School
are giving dance this evening at the
school.
The Telegraph-courier. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1888-1946, 1922-10-26

A little loving now and then is rel
ished by the best of men.
The Telegraph-courier. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1888-1946, 1922-10-26

Professor Wirth announces that
dancing school will be held at Simmons
Hall on Monday, October 25. The
NAVAL Reserve" and "The Schenley,"
two. new and pretty innovations, will
be taught.
The Telegraph-courier. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1888-1946, 1922-10-26

Announcements have been received
here of the dedication of the Hasckley
Manual Training School at Muskegon,
Mich. The school was given to the city
by Charles H. Hackley, well known in
Kenosha.
The Telegraph-courier. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1888-1946, 1922-10-26

The frost is on the pumpkin and the
folders in the shock, and the corn is
in the jug.
The Telegraph-courier. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1888-1946, 1922-10-26

Too much money makes you unhap-
py-if neighbor has it.
The Washington times., 1922-12-31
Let the Monkeys Work

the chims to q high degree OF ef-
ficiency in the arts and sciences
in the densely populated centres.
As a ukulele player. also, he
would furnish the usual amount
of technique and about four
times the usual amount of music.
As a trap-drummer in a jazz
band. a chin could make just
twice as much noise as one of the
gentlemen now engaged in that
delectable art, as he could handle
just twice as many instruments
at one time.
He could play the locomotive
bell, the boiler explosion, the gar.
bage can and the glass-crash
simultaneously.
The only objection that has
been raised is that the monkeys
might in time get into politics
and try to run things, and this,
of course, would be contrary to
our well-known present system.
The Washington times., 1922-12-31
Nothing But Rules

LANCING lease, the which recently signed
n the better part of town. ran across
rules occupying closely printed OF legal cap
could hardly read it, but the rules all
there.
rules there and will not
attempt sketch of them have picked
list and they will reflect think the
age tenants his landlord and vice
eggers the service elevator
will be permitted to park their Fords baby
cabs in the lobby
22 No pets petng parties allowed, without Of
the
purposely fire the building the damage
will be added to his rent.
49, gold teeth grand
before retiring night Nobody shall out without
notifying the landlord.
1877 There shall be shooting play in apartment
after 10 o'clock at night.
156. garbage be garbage Those
desiring ice shall notify the iceman
276. Crying babies shall not do after 10 p.
279 Those intending make homebrew shall notify the land
367. Tenants allowed and down the fire.
They shall use the elevators.
No allowed entertain gunmen, burglars
673 Any who without paying his rent shall
back in again and remain until same is paid
allowed throw anything the
dows, like their wives refrgerators
shall their the first Of the
when that day falls lar T. tha shall
the rent on the first day of I'll. Glceung Month.
The Washington times., 1922-12-31

farm is that of plucking the fes-
tive potato bugs from the plants.
Some of the new-fangled farmers
have spraying machines, but the
old-fashioned way is to 60 forth
in the morning with a tin pail
and garner as many of these de-
lightful little creatures before
nightfall as possible. If a man
is a good picker he can get two
quart pail full during the day,
but then he can use only one
hand, as he has to carry the pail
in the other.
What a chimpanzee could do
with four efficient hands. stag
gers the imagination, and per-
haps it is well that this is so.
Even though his time were worth
more than a mans he could quad
ruple the mans output.
It Is said to be the intention of
those behind this enterprise for
chimpanzee colonization to train
The Washington times., 1922-12-31

back home. He used to swear
off on January and say he
would not never touch another
glass of liquor and he would keep
this resolution for quite spell.
too. The way he would keep it
was to show up at the Golden
Nugget saloon about seven times
a day with one of his wife's cof-
fee cups in his pocket"
"No feller should ort to try to
make a monkey out of any New
Years resolution" says Quincy.
Especial if a Teller is at all we'll
known and everybody is expect
ing h'm to do something hand
some on this great national holi-
day.. As for me, l have not broke
a New Years resolution since l
live in this town."
"That," says Elias @. Higgin-
botham, "is very simple. You do
not break any New Years reso-
luton since you live in this town
The Washington times., 1922-12-31
By Roy K. Moulton

any bird who can play poker bet
ter than I can.
81 shall not go into any busi-
ness deal with any crook who is
any sharper about business deals
than / am.
81 shall not set fire to no or
phan asylum or rob any chill
dren's banks during the year."
well, Quincy" says Elias @.
Higginbotham, "you will certain
ly set very pretty with them New
Years resolutions you have out
lined. As a matter of fact, the
only thing you will have to do to
keep them resolutions is to go
along just as you have been 60
ing along. In other words, all
you have got to do to be a hero
in this matter is to set still and
do nothing"
(which" says Quincy, els the
true inwardness of successful
New Years resolutions. A lot of
boobs will 60 to work and haul
off and give up a lot of things
that you can't get along without
and when you come to bust these
resolutions, you will realize how
weak you are and then you will
lose your self-respeck. My plan
is the best. It Is easier to get
along without something you
never had than to give up some
thing you are used to-"
Anyhow" says Elias @. fig
ginbotham, 81 am q firm-minded
man and there is one resolution
have always made, and ] am
going to make it again on Janu-
ary 1. am not going to make
no will leaving my fortune to
some flapper who has busted up
my hope"
"And you will keep that one
sure" says Quincy. "But there
is no telling what you would do
if you had the fortune"
The Washington times., 1922-12-31

not to get up at 4 o'clock every
morning and have onion soup
and hard-boiled eggs for break
fast. l have got my list of reso-
lutions purity we'll framed up,
and they will be about as fol-
lows. and l shall keep every one:
81 shall not 60 to Europe and
deliver any lectures telling them
what their duty is toward Amer
lea.
'T shall not eat onion soup and
hard-boiled eggs for breakfast.
81 shall not fall in love with
any choir-singer and be shot on
that account.
81 shall not start any bucket
shop and beat a lot of widows
and orphans.
81 shall not run for Congress
on a wet platform and change
my idears after ! get there.
81 shall not wear spats, smoke
cigarettes or use any fapper
slang.
81 shall not get up any list Of
questions for young men to an
swer to prove they are mentally
alert.
81 shall not 60 on any jury
and clear any murderess just be-
cause she happens to be good
looking.
81 shall not shoot my wife for
the purpose Of getting a job In
the movies.
81 shall not eat garlic salad,
drink wood-alcohol or smoke to-
bacco that has got bugs in it.
81 shall not manufacture any
counterfeit money to pay to
bootleggers, because l do not be-
lieve they have anything to sell
which. is worth the effort.
81 shall not start any new cult
and charge the suckers SIS for
the book which explains same.
81 shall not play poker with
The Washington times., 1922-12-31

@NE Of the most popular
plans suggested in this
country in some time will
be the one, just propounded. to
import an immense number Of
chimpanzees to do all the work.
The notion has been tried out
before in some Of the equatorial
countries, and the monkeys
proved themselves excellent ba-
mana and cocoanut pickers.
Bringing them to the United
States 10 an experiment which
will be watched with consider
able interest.
Why not let the monkeys do
the work? Nobody else seems to
want to.
The monkeys are growing in
Importance every year. Former
ly they were valued only for en-
tertainment purposes, but it was
the sort of an entertainment that
people outgrew. Then monkeys
came into prominence in the
shape of furs for women. A
monkey was not so cute as a fur
as he was when in his cage. but
his habits were much more dig
nified.
Then the monkey reached the
pinnacle of his fame by giving
up his glands to make old men
young. There were SO many old
men who wished to make mon
keys of themselves by the use Of
these glands that the monkey
population grew discouraged.
Now, turning chimpanzees into
working men will be tried and,
no doubt, when the little brown
brother is allowed to do the white
mans work it will uplift the
whole ape race.
Chimpanzees are second only
to human beings in intelligence,
and it is sometimes rumored they
are not second to some human
beings, at that.
At first, the chims will be tried
out in the farming districts and
if they are a success there they
will be used also in town. 1t is
not difficult to see how, in some
branches Of farm work an ape
might be about 200 per cent eff
cient. In the matter Of picking
apples or peaches an ape could
hang on with one hand or by his
tail, II he had one and use all his
other hands.
The best q man can do, even a
good picker, is to hang on with
one hand and pick with The Other
One Of The difficult jobs On the
The Washington times., 1922-12-31
Quincy Todd on Resolutions

for the reason that you do not
ever make any of the same"
"You are vastly mistaken"
says Quincy. "There is never
year goes by that | do not make
a lot of resolutions, and l keep
every one of them. l am still
keeping some I make on the first
of this year. The trouble with
you, Elias, is that you get all
jazzed up because you do not
know what kind of resolutions to
make. You overestimate your
capacity for good resolutions and
naturally you begin to bust loose
here and there in about a week
or SO, and when you bust few
of them, you figger you might as
we'll bust the rest"
81 would much admire to
know says Elias @. Higginboth-
am. "just what is the nature of
these resolutions that you make.
l never have yet seen you doing
without any of the habiliments
and perquisites which are usual
ly wiped out by New Years reso-
lutions. If you correct any
faults the result is not visible to
the naked eye"
Have you noticed" says
Quincy, "that | have not wore a
plug hat this whole year? Plug
hats is one of the things ! give
up last January, and ! keep this
resolution inviolate. up until this
time"
81 know you for twenty
years." says Elias @. Higginboth-
am. II do not remember ever
seeing you in a plug hat as yet"
"And," says Quincy, 81 do not
smoke no cigarettes this year. not
a-tal. Further and more, I have
not wore no wrist-watch, all of
them being resolutions. Also l
have not licked the wife, and
neither have ] run away with no
chorus girl. You see, ! keep my
word"
GAS to whipping your wife, III
say you do not, and that is one
resolution you will always keep,
if am any judge of wimmen."
"As to this coming year, ! al
ready have one very important
resolution all framed up." says
Quincy, "and I get the inspira-
ton for this resolution from old
man Clementine, who is over
here from France. That resolu-
ton will be to the efTeck that
during 1923 ] shall not 60 over
to France to tell them how to run
,h,," business. ilso, in this con-
L,ci.on, shall make y resolution
The Washington times., 1922-12-31
IT AMT going to swear off a
w dummed thing this time"

dummed thing this time"
says Elias Q. Higginboth-
am. 81 have looked the PROPOSE
ton all over and it looks to me
like a lot of bunk. What's the
use in swearin' off if you don't
observe the same more'n a couple
Of days, and what's the use in
keepin' resolutions if you don't
have no fun"
81 am surprised at you," says
Quincy Todd. "A citizen which
Is in the public eye as much as
you are has got no right to haul
off and pull lot of revolution
ary remarks like that. You got
to be an example,"
"The kind of an example am
in the New Years resolution
business" says Elias @. Higgin-
botham, "ain't going to do any
community lot of good. I re-
mind myself of old Tage Butts.
The Washington times., 1922-12-31
Choose Your News

|HE ia. girl. of the thin have
But stin the wel-upholstsrsd dame
Will have her champions just the same.
Now rmerP Premie Cemenceau, in very
Says he's favor Of a law ban the long skirt
On this the grand old man" stands pat,
He cannot be o old, at thai.
The "wes" and "dry both they verdict the po
approach
So long a both we'll content,
The folks don't know which wa went
The On the jury In the hammer staying
All held out 70 conviction and not . trace.
Defendant she pretty and
The rest of 1t you'll understand.
When wome would aslayns nine chances ~ Of ten
They'll pick the juries that made exclusively sf
A jurymsns Of tender stamp,
But jury~omen can't vamp.
The Chancellor of Germany, the game.
Hs. dnksrsd cabinet and started on fame.
A foolish o roam
Far from his peaceful Hamburg hsma
A Prohbionist 10 n In Parliament, they cay,
Who thought that old John Bull d.yi
Fo' such . thinc h. r,
a bAly Eoutrass. 10 ~ordI
The Washington times., 1922-12-31
The Bootleg Queen
BY s. E. klSER.

WHEN Sonia LeGrande was twenty-four.
W Ted Ledgeworth met her at a weekend spree;
He had but lately come from Singapore,
Much tanned from having been 80 long at sea.
At Princeton, perhaps it was at Yale,
Ted had been famous in his football days,
But Sonia engaged to Albert Hale,
pallid little shrimp with snObbish ways
A MONG the guests was Madeline st. John,
"A lady with somewhat shady rep,
And she and Teddy Ledgeworth carried
brisk flirtatiOn Sonia being hep.
Ted did not know, it seemed. that Madeline
Had been divorced time twO she still
Had youth and beauty, and her chief design
Was Turing to her wish and will.
TIED wandered blindly, as if in spell;
He followed Madeline around the place,
While Sonia, knowing much she would not tell,
Had certain gloomy thoughts about his
Her nature S was sui sublime. h her beauty II rare. u,
Her father honest millionaire;
Too bad she to be bOunders wife!
THE Government had long been on the trail
Of some who called the Bootleg Queen;
Ted Ledgeworth kept eye Albert Hale.
And followed Madeline, sometimes unseen.
One night when she and Albert slipped away
SuppOsng knew the they took,
launch conveyed them out across the bay,
And landed them within a sheltered nook.
THERE, after greeting a running
L The Bootleg Queen-for she it was, indeed
Framed orders for the others to pursue,
And Hale the rascal, urged them to proceed.
Then Ledgeworth. of the Secret Service. sprang
As If by magic the shameful scene
The fight thring it biff and bang,
But Ted brought back the beaten Bootleg Queen.
HALE away; his goose, of course, cooked,
II And when the news. at breakfast time. was heard
Sweet Sonia, meeting Ledgeworth. sighed and looked
But didn't say a solitary word
They wandered later to a handy spot.
And there Ted took her gently by the hand;
All, that all he did? No. It not.
Amt being in the Secret Service grand!
The Washington times., 1922-12-31
Cogitations of a Cuckoo

HA new Congressman learning their political Cs by
lVI playing with blocs
We must call Clemenceau Tiger. wouldn't be polite
guest to insinuate that he is a-ion
better to have loved and lost have married her
family.
One court has fixed 81 reasonable price for kiss but
have seen cases where this might be called proeering
One Pennsylvania bootegger $4,000 Probably
Ane ate up whole days profits.
CoDyrigbt is22 BY Britain Rights Reserved
The Washington times., 1922-12-31
What l Saw
To-day

Grand Prize This Week.
Genuine CslluIoid Gas Burner.
TO-DAY / saw u man walx-
ing along with a cane. and
he really had to have it on
account Of having a game foot.
JOE KOSE.
! saw three women friends get
on a street car together and each
had her own nickel ready to drop
in the box. This wins the cellu.
ioid gas burner.
MISS LOTTA PEPPER.
While walking along the Drive
this morning ! saw stylishly
dressed young woman who did
not have a small one-pound purp
on the end of q leash. P. S.
She carried it in her arms.
o. B. GOODE.
I saw Raymond Hitchcock on
the street to-day and he didn't
have his hat on the side of his
head. What s'matter?
LUKE PURDY.
To-day in Wall street ] saw .
pale young man with bone-rim-
med glasses hurrying along, and
he did not have a brief-case un-
der his arm.
MONTAGUE FISH.
To-day in q vaudeville show I
saw monologist who did not
stand with one foot in the foot
light trough while addressing the
audience and did not try to imi-
tate Al Jolson.
BARNEY GOOGLE.
To-day / saw a delieatessen
store where they did not have a
roast turkey in the window.
Would you believe that?
MAMMA KATZENJAMMER.
To-day while passing a bakery
saw a man on the inside point
ing to some pieces of green
French pastry that had been on
display ever since I had lived in
the neighborhood, and he bought
q dozen of them and took them
home. I don't know what hap.
pened to him after that.
J. FULLER GLOOM.
I saw some enforcement agents
loading cases of whiskey onto a
truck and they did not get them
out Of q garage.
TILLIE JONES.
The Washington times., 1922-12-31

There once was a terrible leopard.
Who placed young sheppard in
leopard.
At this little trifle,
Unclinging his rifle,
The leopard he terribly peopard.-
The Log.
'23-We have a cuckoo clock in
our room.
'26-Ours doesn't work very
we'll either.-F'rOth.
The Washington times., 1922-12-31
Some Common Mistakes.

The who is always telling what he would do if he
else believes that for him.
When the lady who having lunch at she isn't
bit hungry she thinks Immediately think
about the size of the check.
The old maid who she has turned down five offers
rage doubts that think she s<le choice
The millionaire who tells that he would rather and
have responsibilities thinks smpemndd enough be-
lieve he what he
The Washington times., 1922-12-31

saw Raymond Hitchcock on
the street to-day and he didn't
have his hat on the side of his
head. What s'matter?
LUKE PURDY.
The Washington times., 1922-12-31

To-day in Wall street ! saw .
pale young man with bone-rim-
med glasses hurrying along, and
he did not have a brief-case un-
der his arm.
MONTACIIE FISH
The Washington times., 1922-12-31

To-day l saw a delieatessen
store where they did not have a
roast turkey in the window.
Would you believe that?
MAMMA KATZENJAMMER.
The Washington times., 1922-12-31

What did Bill throw Mabel
over for?''
"Oh, didn't like gown she
wore
That was pretty thin eX-
cuse.'-The Log.
"Papa-Did YOU win der race
todat, mine son?
Abie-Yes, by chust nose fad.
der.
Papa-Mine Gott, vOt a victory.
The Log
The Washington times., 1922-12-31

While walking along the Drive
this morning ! saw a stylishly
dressed young woman who did
not have a small one-pound purp
on the end Of q leash. P. S.
She carried it in her arms.
q. r. COODE
The Washington times., 1922-12-31
MONTAGUE FISH.

To-day in q vaudeville show
saw a monologist who did not
stand with one foot in the foot
light trough while addressing the
audience and did not try to imi.
tate AL Jolson.
BARNEY GOOGLE.
The Washington times., 1922-12-31

Great Britain Rights Reserved.
The New York herald., 1922-06-25

Uncle Mary: s.sss ~ss'' or e Cd
By Islu May Mullins
Charming in its New England VIII
lage setting, endearing in its char
acters, engrossing in its plot ana
diverting in its style Altogether
delightful. s1.75.
The New York herald., 1922-06-25

Women of Stambour' in the same
number. The author, as a child.
knew no other ruler than Abdul
Hamid, and in this article she tells
of her return to Turkey after twenty
years. In her desire to understand
how Turkish girls were reacting to
their new experiences as wage earn
ers, she interviewed a number con-
nected with foreign business house.
She has interpreted the inner
change wrought by the breakdown
of old traditions, and arrives at the
conclusion that in the new Turkey
women win play great roles
Under the title '1ntransigent In
dia," Gertrude Emerson, one of the
editors of Asia, presents important
aspects of the Nationalist quarrel
with England. She quotes at length
Gandhi's opinion that the activity Of
the Government of India has been
wholly mischievous in all that vi
Idlly dlitClS tluufd 1tS piiuSipdi IN
dustries, hand spinning and hand
weaving, have been deliberately
killed in the interest of England.
In the American Mo0asine, Ed
ward F. Tilyou tells stories of how
people act at amusement parks in his
article. why the Schoolma'am
Walked Into the Sea" Mr.. Tilyou
is general manager of Steeplechase
Park, Coney Island. and Steeplechase
Pier, Atlantic City. The amusement
business is built on few simple
fundamentals. Most people like to
look back on their childhood as the
happiest period. of their lives. there
fore when they are out for a good
time they like TO play childish games.
The title is taken from an incident