Omaha daily bee., 1922-06-04
By George Barr McCutcheon

sess you NOT tho pfesiuSht OF TINS palh
you never will be- And. what's more. when you
set 10 be as old as am you won't bs calling
tered the .som
And then. with a great. stupefyns shock.
yourself an old fossil lot me tell you that. you
confoundsd young ass, Do you know what
would do II | was as young as you aref'
Just what I'm doing now" seoffed rwiteh-
comb. 81.
Not a bit Of Il, IL was 81 I'd quit this
job so quick II would make my head swim. ia
take my savings and invest them In oil wells
or something like that. and I'd get married and
stop playing Santa Claus for other peoples
children at the chapel on Christmas eve. and
I'd come back TO this doggoned town from
Chicago or New York or London or some other
e:ty every year or so just for the fun OF telling
everybody connected with this bank to so 10
hell or somethnx like that. That's what I'D
do II was as young as you are
well, now that you bring the subject up. ]
don't mind telling you that think you are the
doggondest fool that God ever let live for
sticking 10 this Job all these years Why. you
are old enough 10 die; you can hardly drag your
feet around. and yet YOU hang onto this Job
II your life depended on IL. And say. You can't
make mo believed you've never been married
made up my mind long ago that I'd be mar
ried before was 40
Lord. how well I remember that! And how
! saved and seraped till had 900 tucked
away no that could get married TO the first
girl asked. And then what did l do? Why
darn my fool soul. decided to wait til had
$4,000. After that 30 so In the habit Of saw
ing an extra $4,000 that simply couldn't get
over II. The last time I figured II up-which
was yesterday-I had exactly &l03.209.67. and
nobody to leave II to when / die. II I'd had
sny sense might have had few grandchildren
but what's the use talking about IT, More
than 100000 saved up to get married on. and
I'm as single AZ was in the beginning Why.
when Come to think OF II. could have been
married thrAA tnel n n that
/ don't know what to do with my money. un-
less ! leave It to the church or the orphan
asylum"
"Tll tell you what you can do with some OF
II /" scoffed Twitchcomb, 81. wrnkling up his
nose. "You can 60 out and get decent look
ing pair Of shoes and a new suit. and have your
hair cut You look like the very devil. I
wouldn't be caught dead in the clothes you've
got on"
"If was to get new suit Of clothes and slick
up a bit. as used to. the directors would begin
to think was Interested in an actress. or the
races. and they'd put an expert In here to see
whether was short In my accounts or not Be-
sides. I'm satisfied with the way look. II your
feet hurt much mine do you'd think long
time before you tried to stick em into a new
pair Of shoes. used to like new Shoes but I'm
doggoned il like them now. They pinch right
across here and they burn like sixty. and most
generally they squeak"
Twitchcomb. II. looked up at the clock again
and then at his watch.
"Well. can't be wasting any more time talk
Ing" he went on. pettshly. 'Im going to be
Santa Claus again tonight UP at the Sunday
school, and it's nearly half past five already"
Here! Cheese it,"
"Cheese what?"
"Monkeying with the cash in that drawer. It's
been counted and balanced and everything. You
leave 1t alone"
IF anybody was to hear you talking to your
SELF like that they'd think you were crazy" said
Twitchcomb, n, severely.
"Tve been talking to myself ever since you
came into this ROOM" retorted Twtchcomb. 81.
do you think I'm crazy?"
II never have heard anything so crazy
man ordering himself to stop monkeying with
his own cash."
balance" snapped Twitchcomb 81. II don't
hang If you me, you've got to let
that cash alone Took me two hours to find out
that old Mrs. Brightman had deposited 5 cents
more than thought she had, and
"Good Lord. I'd clean forgotten that, It was
so long ago. challenge anybody on earth to
produce better record than I've made right
here In this bank. That was the only time
was out OF balance for more than 10 min
utes. I remember speaking to Mrs. Brightman
about 1t a week or so before she died and she
laughed fit to kill"
"She isn't dead-not by long shot She was
III here at II o'clock this morning" said
81,
''Oh, yes she Is. l was one OF the pallbear-
ers. 3S years ago next February"
'"Then I can look forward to attending her
funeral two years from next February" laughed
81. "By lingo. that's rather odd,
isn't it?'
"She had to die some time the poor old thing.
She was 80 when she passed away. II she were !
still living she'd be nearly 120 years old now,
and doubt very much If she'd be able to
down to the bank in weather like this"
Nevertheless she was in here at II o'clock
this morning" said Twitchcomb, 81, stubbornly.
II know It. I'm not in the habit Of calling
myself a liar am I? She deposited 1855, and
credited her with only $780," said Twitch-
comb, n.
i've always been proud Of my memory" said Il
rwitchcomb, 81, "but never dreamed it could t
% as far-reachng all that"
YES" mused Twitchcomb, II, leaning his Il
elbow on the counter and resting his chin on his Il
closed fist-'yes that old girl has been dead 6
'ome 3S yearS. Makes a fellow feel kind Of old
% look back SO years. swear to gracious it L
loes. Well, well, here am at it again, talking II
o myself. It's getting to be a habit with me. q
Sign of old age suppose Second childhood or Ii
omething. But, confound it. oughtn't to be a
ceiling old. I don't suppose there's of a
ny age in the state that's been blessed with r
etter health than I have. Never been laid up a
ick in over so years; never missed q days
york in all that time; only had to have sc
octor twice since was 40 years old, and both W
ines 1t was when was being examined for life
tt
Twitchcomb, 81. started. "Am carrying life 81
Twitchcomb, II: certainly not. The policies W
anne due when IS, and collected on
hem. Took them out when was 45-two 20 til
ear endowment policies for $4,000 EACH Joe vi
1arper was after for 10 years before let
i'm insure me. wish I'd let him do 1t sooner. W
he longer" fr
Twitchcomb, 81: "Joe Harper makes me hi
red He knows I've always been dead set
ganst insuring my life, and, doggone his hide, sc
q in hera faxr doy opd how r