Daily Kennebec journal. [microfilm reel] (Augusta, Me.) 1870-1975, 1922-11-10
"The Gurnp"
An Expert Opinion, BY Kenneth
Fuller Lee

It did not surprise me the other
morning to read Of the capture, by
members Of the Big Five, of a Gump.
Far from It! The remarkable thing
is that more of these strange beast
les are not discovered during the
hunting season. There are sections
in Maine that absolutely TEEN with
'em, along with their willy cousins,
the Sliver-Cat and the Whi0en-
Spool. w. G. Bunker Of this city
can locate q Sliver-Cat for you at
any time on two days notice, provid-
ed there is high wind and the moon
is right. Bill has had some very
thrillin' experiences with these ter
rible animals. and will be glad to
impart his knowledge to any and all
who are scientifically interested.
The Gump, (Which is daily being
confused with the well-known Side
Hill Walloper. or Gouger), is q carni-
vorous. ravenous, stupendous and
pernicioL critter, feeding as it does
puses, which it tears from the side
Of the fond parent, needing little her
anguished squawks for mercy.
Both the Gump and the Whiffen-
Spool are extremely peevish, at night
one frequently hears them whining
ENORMOUSLY through the tree-tops in
search of a free lunch and beer,
which, alas, they can no longer OBJ
tain. 1t seems entirely likely that
with the growing absence of alcoholic
stimulant, both the Gump and the
Whiffen- Spool families may be
doomed to extinction, tho the Silver
Cat will remain, due solely to his
temperate habits. This should be
one of the strongest arguments in
favor of total abstinence, should it
not?
AS already mentioned, this critter
leaves a track like snow shoe, this
is caused by its feet being flattened
out on allghting from the tremen-
dous leaps which mark it's progress.
When the beastie is travelling north.
it's legs on the east side are fully two
feet longer than those on the western
exposure; this enables it to maintain
perfect equilibrium (whatever that
Isl. while travelling its circular path
around a mountain. But, let the I'M
fortunate animal even attempt to
leave its well-beaten trail. calamity
Immediately descends. Travelling
uphill or downhill, the bcastie be-
comes squeeapgular in the extreme.
Should he be travelling east in an
uphill direction, he is up against it.
His north side rubs agin the ground,
the feathers Cor fur as the case may
be-, are rubbed entirely and COM
pletely off'n his frame exposing his
inner mechanism to the malign ele-
ments. This annoys the Gump OK
Ccssively. and causes the shuddering
walls and means which fill the woods
on windy nights.
You can tell the direction in which
Gump has been travelling by sim
ply observing on which side the most
friction has occurred. II you will
promise not to tell soul. I'll slip
you Il priceless secret, impaired to
me in the dark of the moon by
famous trappcr and guide, who
doubtless has more Gumps to hi;
credit than there are hairs on d
Mexican Hairless dog.
When you strike the warm trail Of
a Gump (Which YOU VIII recognize at
once by it's being circular in form
and worn down to the rock). sneak
along very quietly till you catch sight
of the critter. He'll be travelling
fast, and every few seconds will dis
appear around the curve Gf the
mountain, hurting smaiI rocks and
dirt in his wake. Don't let this dis
courage you. Grapsing the muzzle
of your rifle firmly in both hands.
against the sharp edge Of big rock.
This should put neat bend in the
barrel. thus enabling you to shoot
around the curve, your bullet fol-
lowing the doomed Gump till it cor
ners and kills him.
Immediately after firing, however,
the wise hunter ducks behind a
boulder or crawls into cave or we'll;
so that in case the shot was a trif1e
high. his bullet on it's return trip
around the mountain will not collide
with his own frame
This is a trick worth knowing. as
any of the big museums would be
glad to pay several thousands of dol
lars for an unmarried (not unmar-
riedD specimen of Gump. one on
whom the enamel is not chipped or
cracked. I'd be glad to guide party
going in after Gump's, but my wife
would insist on my first taking out
another insurance policy, and I'll be
hanged If I'll do it. But this much
will do-any Gump that you'll catch
and bring out 1 will skin. and tan the
hide in the most approved manner.