Connecticut western news., 1922-01-12
LETTERS FROM THE PEOPLE
The New Farmer

Now that Henry Ford, the Royal Fliverite, is about to do away with the farmer and the snappy city man is going to demonstrate to the world that all work on the farm can be done in 20 days, there is going to be a mighty exodus of farmers who will leave homes, taxes, the land that belongs to them and start for the cities. Many will migrate to Wash ington, D. c. and other large cities, but the greater number will, no doubt, settle in New York. What will they do for living? I have heard that most of them intend to become buffers, while it is the ambition of some of them to become valets to the snappy young city men who are going to take over the whole business of agriculture and show the world how the work on the farms can be done, all of it, in 20 days! Squash, pumpkins, small fruits, catnip and many other edibles will be planted together in mounds something like the old Miami mounds of Ohio; when the snappy young city men say the word, skilled laborers from the slums and prisons will haul the dirt off the mounds and Lo! the beautifully ripened stuff is ready to be gathered into the cellars in one afternoon! Great, isn't it? Potatoes are to be planted in March, in small holes filled with solution of sawdust and Ford gas and left to ripen until dug, about the middle of April. The snappy city man will get in his pig walnuts and pie-plant at about the same date he leaves off his heaviest union suit.
 He will plant his Corn in the ear at the same time he gets his spinach lobster and grass seed in, together with wintergreen lozengers, aspara- time to harvest the aforesaid crops during the ice harvest, thus getting rid of much fuss and bother by practically killing 2 birds with one stone, as it were.
 December is the time to lay sweet corn in the ear in shallow trenches, and when properly ripened and roasted by the hot December sun, they are ready to be pulled up and eaten at the Christmas dinner. Aug ust is the time to SOW snuff, ground pepper, Uneeda biscuits, rye, both bearded and the bottled variety; it is from the boarded rye that the far mer gets his yearly supply of chin whiskers. Plain bottled rye is to be used chiefly as medicine, as are all other grains; it is so ordered by the snappy city man.
 The whisker and boot tax have been considerably raised so as to dis courage the farmer from wearing them. There are going to be Knife and-Fork schools established in the country too. where Expert Uplifters (from the city, of course) will train the farmer to use his food tools, or stomach pacifiers, properly. The habit of wearing whisbers is said to have begun cOntempOraneously with the ancient flora of the earth. Boots, we are told by noted Geologista. were first worn by farmers during the Tertiary period, about which time the Mammals began to appear on the landscape. The farmer, according to scripture, was the first human inhati- tant of the earth; but later investi- gations of Ford and the snappy city man seem to think the farmer an offshoot of the marine ToXoglossate Castropod that had a long spire on ts head or tail Git don't matter much) hence the farmers development of whiskers and boots. Farmers will, in the near future, have to be deodor- ized to rid them of barn smells when they come to the city to sell their