davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening capital and Maryland gazette. (Annapolis, Md.) 1910-1922, 1922-06-01

Lady, want to see some grand
PIANOS. Do You carry them Clerk
Madam, you fatter me-Life.
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1922-07-02

which consisted in doing everything the way
I did it,
l soon saw that would not be supreme in
Europe until had reduced France. Enpland
ana Russia to subservience and frightened the
United States into respect for me.
lmpatiently awaited an opportunity,
When Russia objected because Austria
wanted to annex Serbia because Serbian had
shot an Austrian prince l saw my chance.
declared war on Russia and Just for good
measure, on France. In day or two I de-
clared war on England. I didn't declare war
on Belgium, as my traducers allege I merely
sent an army through the country, which,
after killing everybody that got in the way.
annexed it in my name
More War
My army moved over into France and sent
my submarines out to sink all the ships, neu-
trail or otherwise, which dared to put to sea
after my declaration that had taken control
of the seas
England and France had the effrontery to
give me battle. Even little Belgium didn't
succumb without fight. 1t was amazing. Ta
me 1t became apparent that should have to
teach them all lesson.
BY and by there was a deadlock. and the
United States, whose ships had been sinking
IN pursuance Of my announcement that would
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1922-07-02

A RE you fond Of music? Do you know
AZ the difference between sonata and
- n symphony or are they vaguely SIM
liar in your mind? That is my test
question. I learned the answer to it several
years ago and have used no other since.
At a dinner party whenever am stacked
up against some one whom suspect to be a
musical moke I always pump out that ques-
tion. I casually lay 1t on the table with the
knives and forks. I say: "And, oh, by the
way, just what is the difference between
sonata and a symphony" From the way they
answer can catalogue them at once.
If the lady, say, replies glibly: "Why, you
poor fish, sonata is arranged for piano and
a symphony for an orchestral say: "There,
there, dearie; was only kidding. I wanted
to'see if you knew" and forthwith abandon
the topic of music because I know she would
soon get beyond my depth. If, on the other
now, let me see, did know but, err, we'll,
think symphony has harp in it, hasn't it,"
then I know that I can safely take musical
matters right into my own hands. The per-
son who answers this way is only blufing.
Ten to one he loathes classical music and
knows nothing whatever about it. But did you
ever hear any one admit it?
love of music and sense of humor are
two things that every one claims to have.
The reason for this in regard to music is
very evident. An appreciation of classical
music is supposed to be badge Of intellectual
and cultural superiority. To admit it's nom
possession argues one low brow and a
grounding. Many poor soul, therefore, HES
him to some temple and suffers the torments
of the damned at the hands of Stravinsky and
Korngold when what he really longs for is
Berlin and Kern.
I have often pondered over the inwardness
of this belief that musical appreciation and
culture 60 hand-in-hand. 1t seems to me
basicaly false. The further up l go in the
ascending scale of musical audiences from
the cabaret crowds to the regular subscribers
at some musical holy of holes, the more l am
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1922-07-02

or not; it is unimpoYtant. Ne one speat, :.
any one else at Brahms Club meeting IT,
butler whispered to Aunt Amelia as We sh,.
fed across the stone paved entrance hall ?.
stinctivey looked about to see if Other -
rivals had removed their shoes. felt - !.
were entering a temple of Buddha.
In silent lift we were borne to the oro..
studio room on the top floor. A fsv A..
lights enabled US to find places. Shortly :.
terward even this small amount Of illun,,.
ton was extinguished. AS we sat in the DOL
ness and silence, broken only by an occas;o,.
chair squeak or a long drawn sigh. I haIf -
pected to hear some ministerial voics h..s
the ritual of Christian burial.
Finally soft ray Of light, COMING +..
some concealed source, stretched its A,..
across the gloom until it rested on laru. .
piano. Into this radiance Hoped a tall. ana
lar gent with a gray name. He moved >
padded hoof with the swift silence Of +;o.1
concerted intake Of breath testified n ~
Importance.
1t was Rachmanovitz, the great Russian,
Without further ado he struck the ni.r.
resounding blow and the concert was IN VT
he played do not know. It was lon, ~
gram and it is safe that it was mostly ps.s
Beethoven and Brahms. It is barely poas;s
that Gluck or Scarlatti may have soiIeez.s =
No titles were announced and no corn,,..s
were made. Of course, the last thin, .S
must do is to betray ignorance Of lust r,.'
movement" or ''morceau" has Just been -.
petrated.
During most Of the performance thu. -.
ence sat with eyes closed in positions ~ -.
doned ecstasy. At the close of each n;o..
was permissible to groan. At the s,d q.
lights slowly came on again. I had adr;..,
tremendously the way Hogarth had H..
standing it; he had hardly moved since -.
came IN. When it was light enough N -.
him 1 saw to my horror that he was doe,
asleep. Leaping to his side poked him say
agely and Kissed in his ear: wake M W.
fool! It's over"
l suppose he thought he was doing u.
right thing, poor soul, but shall never foro.
what followed. Stumbling to his fept /.
lurched into the circle of light where the o,s,,
Rachmanovitz was receiving subdued e,,
gratulations.
professor" he said loudly, what was thu
last noise?"
sharp cry of distress brought me to Am
Amelia's side and I bore her, fainting. to i
street.
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1922-07-02

themselves at times in similar gatherings. 1t
is at such times as this that one must know
how to listen properly or be forever writ
down boor.
Aunt Amelia's group is merely type. 1t
is called the Brahms Club and meets Sunday
evenings at the houses Of its members. This
enables them to secure the services of the
most eminent performers who are not profess
sionally occupied those evenings. The
Brahms Club looks down with dignifed conde-
scension on such vulgar public gatherings as
the Bagby Concerts or the Biltmore Morn
ings. Indeed, it is rather black eye for an
artist to be known to have accepted an en-
gagement with these organizations; the
atmosphere of the Brahms Club is so different,
SO intimate, so exclusive.
My friend Hogarth and sneaked into the
last meeting under the protecting wing of
Aunt Amelia. 1t was in the music room Of the
Cornelius Fulinghams, in East Sixty-third
Street. do not know if we were recognized
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1922-07-02

end of that name. No expense was spared in
any detail. The event took place, of course,
in the Metropolitan Opera House. The title
role OF Bohunkus was sung by Lundquist, the
great Swedish tenor, while the part of Jo-
sephus, older brother of Bohunkus, was in
trusted to the capable larynx of M. Krasch.
A short quotation from the current "Tmes"
will give an accurate idea of this important
occasion:
"Never has the diamond horseshoe twinkled
more gloriously than it did last night at the
world premiere of 'Bohunkus' Every social
nail was in its place. and the vast auditorium
bazed with tiarras, lorgnettes, necklaces,
bracelets, rings, ostrich pumes and golden
stomachers.
"The music Of 'Bohunkus' is from the pen of
of H. Bureigh Stophoe, who is perhaps best
known to the general public by his achieve
ments in the horse world, having been presi-
dent of the New York Horse Show for the
last two years. The book was written by
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1922-07-02

Among those noted in the grand tier and
parterre boxes were Mr. and Mrs Ogden
Croftwaite, the latter in fuchsia velvet with
verbena headdress; Miss Emily Whackng-
ham, periwinkle blue and pearls; Nine. Van
derpoel, also in ,periwinkle, with beige uphols-
terry; Countess Lampretti (who was Lena
Schultz, of Milwaukee), sand yellow and en-
eralds.
"Mr. Stophole graciously replied to an in
sistent call for the author at the end of the
second act, and in a charming curtain speech
disc1aimed all intentions Of setting himself I'D
as rival to Wagner or Verdi. He said, and
the writer is inclined to agree with him, that
he had been 'uninhuenced in his work by any
of the great masters who have gone before
but that he felt there was "a distinct place for
serious American composition, particularly for
that written by composers who were able
and willing to pay the costs of produce
tion.'
"This remark elected prolonged applause,
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1922-07-02

dear, aren't they entrancngw Have YOU
seen this delicious blue thing over here?"
ooh, Mr.. Wckes, l want you to meet Mrs
Remington Fordyce," ct patati ct patata.
The exhibition is tremendous success. and
the pictures make lovely wedding presents,
l recall a similar foray Of Society into the
world of creative art which took place a few
years ago, when Mr.. Burleigh Stophole, of
Lenox and New York produced his grand
opera, "Bohunkus," based on the Indian leg
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1922-07-02

Mrs. stophole (nee Lily LispenarD, who de-
lighted her friends in the small part of Sas-
katchewan, Hopi maiden. Messrs Lund-
quist and Krasch sang the roles of the two
brothers, the part Of Amagansett, the tragic
heroine, being nobly portrayed by the incom-
parable Albertini. Mr.. Xxi conducted with
his usual authority.
"a conservative estimate of the house. in
Guiding jewelry, places its value at approx
mately SAT 100000, eclipsing all rcvious rec
ords
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1922-07-02

marck and offered him a job as second groom
with pension of thousand marks wear
when he got too old to handle horses. After
ALL ne had won one war; and didn't want tn
seem ungrateful
he heW into rage and refused the place
was minded to send him out and have him
shot' but my nature has always been lust and
generous, so l let him stay around Berlin on
condltlon that he would stop Dragging till he
died
he had left the army in bad shape-not half
enough men and none of them trained in
schrecklichheit, which is a method l discov.
cred OF soaring the daylights out of YOUR enc
my before you kill him. You get double re-
venge on him that way
My Work for Education
After had given my army to understand
that 1t was to come to me for orders and
that would not be satisfied with any man.
even to the lowest private who didn't know
at least fifty-six different days of hurting peo.
pie mortay, l turned my attention to
education.
found the scientists of the country husv
with plans for life extension and with sobts
against disease germs and foolishness If that
sort.
called them all in and ordered them mar.
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1922-07-02

stand no nonsense from America. came into
the fight.
Tho Surprise
linen an astounding thing happened, NV
army got licked. My great, beautiful army.
with its zeppelins and poison gas, and guns
That would shoot hundred miles, got licked!
inc men simply wouldn't go up there and be
killed when ordered them to. They had all
apparently gone crazy.
Then another astounding thing happened.
was going back to Berlin, in spite of NV heroic
determination not to keep further than hun
cred miles from the fighting front inv sons
approached it within fifty miles) and organ
lie new army, when my generals told ma
might be shot if I did by some widow or
orphan of dead soldier.
That was the reward for my forbearance.
my kindness, my gentleness to NV people
and for my lofty purpose to bring the whole
world under my magnanimous rule!
Retirement
was born with an inherited apathy to get
ting shot. So came here and chopped down
trees. 1t is not as pleasant as ruling king
don but it cannot last long.
Sooner or later my own people and then the
world will realize that 1 am the only being
wise enough and great enough to be it's master
Then | will return to my country, organize
bigger army and fulfill my destiny, even
though nobody but myself and family is left
when the war is ever.
Copyright 1922. by James J. Montame
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1922-07-02

but Mr.. stophoe brought down the house
when he led Saskatchewan MRS. Stophole)
before the curtain and designated her as the
one to whom the greatest share Of credit must
be given
"Dancing at the Ritz followed"
Since this memorable performance the
Stopholes have lost quite lot of money, so
1magine it NAV prove to have been a world
derniere as well as premiere.
We see, then, that Society, even the
most solvent, has its share OF artistic
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1922-07-02

is extended to youngsters
to-day. When I was boy the lad that got
beyond vulgar fractions due for lckin'
every time the gang caught him.
"Nowadays all fractions is vulgar They
don't go in for EN- at all. Even the geography
that had the bridge of monkeys over the crick
that was full of crocodiles amt used no more,
they tell me. The book l seen that they told
me it was a geography book, was full of
photographs of Ellis Island an Bunker Hill
an other spots where our forefathers fought
fer liberty wit never thought fer the Anti
Saloon League.
That's the way they teach things now, they
tell me- You don't get nothin' straight.
Everything's mixed. A lad may think he's
studyin geography but all tie time the teach
er is dopin' it up wit history. They'll tell you
it's like squrtin' sasparilla into the castor oil
you gotta take, but I never See the sense O.
that anyhow. It's liable, seems to me- to spoil
a boys taste fer sa'sparilla or, maybe, make
him castor oil fend
"They try to get little history into most
everythin'. There's an awful lotta interest in
that now, it seems. I shouldn't wonder, too,
if the way they was teachin' it in different
parts of the world if they was fxin' to have
an awful lotta interest taken in it about the
time the lads that's carryin' history books now
gets big enough to carry guns.
Down South they won't have no history
that don't teach that that Abraham Lincoln
dragged the South into the Civil War an told
em they gotta get busy an fight or the North
would secede. That's all right for the time
bein', maybe. 1t probly saves lot Of disc-
tory books they got in the schools up here, a
good bright history scholar in Richmond might
think his father an his grandfather was liars.
"But when they grow up to be bootleggers
an come North an meet up at some boot
leggers' convention with all the lads that was
goin to school at the same time up here, that
conventions goin' to take lotta interest in
history.
"Then you take them lads down in Kentucky
that's bein' taught that the world was made
in six days an their furthest grandpop was
a mud pie-they're due to get into some good
smokin' car arguments when they get big
enough to go to Canada fer an honest drink
an meet up with the lads in horn trimmed
spectacles who know that their furthest
grandpop was crawtish or such like.
can all the little boys an girls in Ger
many is bein' taught, O course that their
daddies never got licked - that England
starved the folks at home an the United
States fooled Germany into signing an
armistice
"What they're teachin' 'em In Russia an
all them places that used to be Russia but is
now self-determined, I do'know, but it's
cinch that it's somethin' that's goin' to make
trouble in about twenty years or less.
at looks to me like all these propag anda
artists that got them good jobs durin' the
war was tryin' their hands on the school chill
dren now. 1t shows they're good business
men, fer it not only keeps them in good
Peaee.ti"e job now but it will provide good
wartime jobs fer tAs!s eailasea,"
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1922-07-02

ambitions ana trials. ne
fact remains that this
same upper level Of culture
is the one in which, most
often, we see and hear the
production Of genius. This
is not so frequently true Of
the work Of struggling art
lists, the unarrived, who
have yet to break their
way into the music rooms
of our best people. To
such as these Society, with
the exception Of a few
freakish matrons, say
sternly: "Go get a reputa-
ton. Sing in your cellars;
paint in your garrets; win
a few medals; then come
back to US and we will see
what can be done about
it,"
But there is an inner cir
Gle in the aristocracy Of
art appreciation where it
is indeed a privilege to OBJ
serve the reverent homage
which is paid to great
names of which Society is
absolutely sure. Into this
rarefed atmosphere / am
ocasi ona y hidden
through the influence of
my aunt, Miss Amelia
Kaufman. Many of my
readers. I am sure. find
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1922-07-02
Illustrations by MERLE JOHNSON

emptorily to find
means of taking
life instead of ex-
tending it.
Within a year
they had supplied
mo with a, splen-
did list Of poisons
for wells in con-
quered territory
and for gases that
you could pour on
an enemy and
wipe it out.
The army was
carefully educat-
ed in these meth
DDS and in my we'll
known K u | t ur,
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1922-07-02

have been taken up by Society. In nu-
merous instances it has been fatal to
their productivity. They have become lap
dogs, playthings, tame lions, bundle carriers,
salon decorations, but they have ceased to be
artists. painter is not less truly a painter
because he knows fish fork from palette
knife, but he runs a grave danger
Every once in so often some real top-notch
society head liner gets sudden attack of
Genius Mr.. Waddington Wickes has an ex-
hbtion Of water colors "painted from the
terrace of his villa at Capri" The event is
staged in the smartest Fifth Avenue gallery.
where the proprietor, in checked suit and
white spats, bounds about, smiling brightly
and dispensing tea, cakes and-for the inner
rcle!-cocktals in his private office. The
air is thick with praise and perfume. "My
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1922-07-02
THE do" LIST
FOR VISITORS
By WARD MOREHOUsE

I SIE 3 - somebody stretches sis.aa
5. K. o. sign across the tip Of Ma.
haitian as a warning to persons ii
tending to settle upon the islands limig
acreage, it is only reasonable to expect ar'
the drift in this direction will continue +
checked.
Commissioner Enright, SO eminenty as
cessful with his "don'ts" list, might be cosu
upon his return 20 these shores to prepared
"do' list consisting of hints that would ensas
new and unwary settlers to conduct thsS
selves properly during their first few wehs
in the community, and thus make it imposisal
for any one to tell at glance that they haI
just struck town, with the dust Of the Son.
or the Middle West still clinging to their tss
neat and attractive booklet with cos
up Of Civic Virtue for cover design All
containing hints that might be recorded
the Ten Commandments of Manhattan Islam
would certainly be widely read in mHlin,
Of homes, besides being a welcome addaa
to the literature to be found in railway aai
steamship ticket Offices, municipal nuh
bureaus, hotel Hobbies, and the like. 4
After thorough perusal of "do' Hs III
would not be difficult for newcomer to lOS /
bona-fide New Yorker in the eye sevsaE
days after arrival and say, I'm one Of IS {
brother; I know the ropes"
The booklet might instruct you IN r &
fashion:
l. Always appear to be in hurry; does'
matter whether there is any reason for I'll
not; walk fast, rush, run.
2. Dive into subway cars in true fulosak
style; step on all feet in sight and keep elb'Sl
working.
8. Yawn prodigiously, sit tight and On'
your head in newspaper headlines vi'A
woman enters subway car, looks about un'a
tainly and begins swinging to strap dlreeS !
in front of you. &
4. Be able to say you've seen "Kiki'
have knowledge of where to get tickets
the "Follies" b
Ss AsS1iV'C SNu1 uoL LUZ iao1SS az ~
apartment and hotel elevators-partcaI1~
the Ritz-but in Office buildings--never!
6. Learn (and be able to instruct ot1s,g
just how to negotiate the Times Square-1i'
Central shuttle train, how to follow the gls
line and how to be properly polite ana W.
ing when member of the New York y.
of the Stick-Up Mems Union pokes res0'
in your face.
z. Be able to point out to friends ne,'
visit such eminent folk as David beisy
George M. Cohan, Traffic Cop Pat Mcp0', i.
Fannie Hurst, MES. Babe Ruth, the ialn''
girls husbands, Benny Leonard. and s@
the Ziegfeld Roof girls. 80
s. Be able to reply YEARLY in the anD =
tive when asked whether you've vlsiH s,..
Yellow Snake, the Smoke Stack, Green ns .ss /
potamus, the Weeping Willow, ana
Greenwich Village bohemian estabisnmsa
8. Have at least vague knoweo ~,
Brooklyn, the height of the WOODWORK ~
just how far up you can climb in tne :. Il
Of Liberty. and the number of free das' ~
week at the Bronx Zoo and MeHH
Museum. 49,. ~. -
- IT.
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1922-07-02

convinced that real musical appreciation has
nothing whatsoever to do with culture This
is borne out by the wildness and unconven-
tionality of most creative artists They are
not intellectual but dynamic, not reasonable
but romantic We see the same thing in the
other arts. Our real painters, poets and
sculptors like to wear smocks and sandals and
eat in cellars and have dirty fngernails and
unkempt hair. They tell unspeakable stories
and delight in audible eating.
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1922-07-02

rid Of Bismarck,
but the old gen.
tleman was too
easy going. He
even advised me
to keep him on
after I assembled
tho throne, on the
idiotic argument
that I would be
too young to run
an empire my
self!
Emperor
Eventually the
expected happened
and ! became the
Supreme Highest.
/ sent for Ris
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1922-07-02
All LAST, THE WAR LORDS LIFE STORY
Childhood
By JAMES J. MONTAGUE,

Childhood
wv THEN heaven committed to my I'M
wv precedentedy able hands the d.
rection of the affairs of the world
it was plain to me that no mistake
had been made.
was not only highly born, but I pos
sessed remarkable combination of genius,
talent, foresight and craftsmanship.
AS child everybody around me agreed
that was most unusual
When I took the first toy rife that was
given to me by my fond and royal parents and
shot the sixteenth assistant coachman it was
generally observed that I had rare gift for
craftsmanship. was, confess, little miffed
when the coachman recovered, but on learning
that the rifle was operated by spring in
stead Of gunpowder l was comforted. His
escape wasn't my fault.
Boyhood
An elderly fathead named Bismarck had
my grandfather under his thumb when was
boy. This fellow had won one war and was
dreadfully set up about it.
Instead Of going right on and conquerinc
Europe he was satisfied to sit around Berlin
and guzzle beer and brag about how he had
established peace in Europe. And there were
countries all around US that we hadn't licked!
1 made up my mind that there was going to
be vacancy in that job as soon as I got to
be King.
l tried to get my grandfather to get
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1922-07-02

In audiences, too, the
appreciation comes from
the galleries, where sit the
Blavatskys and the Gal
uppis and the Schultzes,
surrounded by a dense
ectoplasm of garlic, spa
ghetti and sauerkraut.
But it is Society which,
by setting it's seal of ap-
proval, establishes the
standing Of an artist.
After all, it all comes down
to a money basis. Artists
must live, and to that end
there must be audiences.
We cannot all be creative,
and this probably is fortu-
nate. 1t would be a mad
world. The point is that
culture and breeding and
intellectually have moth
ing to do with real musical
appreciation. Indeed, I
honestly suspect that they
initiate against it.
/ have met a number of
successful artists who by
real achievement have
won recognition and who