davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1922-12-17
A Column FROM and FOR Everybody :.
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Yoe nay bs asHt % tall Int Me.
fefAape tA4 snmusoas may - 1incs
Az Whsn u c1mes We ean't ~ "No."
Ter ye4 and ! and Ill muet To-
AAd taas ;ssr Slaes WITH shss vsss
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Lst's ss.F -. n sisS. - ws travel
Iiss's sS sssi. a s:r u. Aiils, ID net far
away. rANDY DUeH.
The Washington times., 1922-12-17
.By O. @. MCINTYRE

to . sudden and poignant aware
ness of living. puff cigarettes.
They are very eager and intense.
These places are called tea rooms
but you are supposed to bring your
own gin. Almost any one Of them
ID an interesting study.
In all New York I know Of no
place that serves an American plan
dinner save perhaps at the old
Broadway Central. which did Q few
years ago and may still.
Eating 10 . great sport in New
York. The visitor has only to look
about and find satisfaction for
every Epicurean whim.
But bring q well-filled pocket
book. Not even the white-tiled
eateries are cheap these days. A
dinner for two at the smartest
places win average about 80 for .
tempting selection. II you have q
big appetite, figure On SIS.
And don't expect to set the good
food you get hack home. For 1t
isn't to be found here.
(Copyrieht, 1853, b. the NcNausht Syn
dicate, Incl
The Washington times., 1922-12-17
The three most frequent
topics of conservation these
days-first, booze; second,
hootch; third, booze.
PAUL WHITE.
Hl-tWhat arc your liquid 40
sets?
Hum-Three cases.
HANK HAWKINS.
THE GOAT IS SAFE.

I hope, Blu, you are not figur-
inp on making "chepon" (the
~eaD name for goat nseatl OF
the Office Goat. / don't believe
the fans begrudgs him the little
fodder they contribute, and 6e-
sjdes, honestly, don't you dish
kim up a feed xow and then.
volrssifa E. 3. d.
The coffee Goat" h just an.
other uame for waste basket.
Every newspaper man who has
had many years Of experience mas
contributed volumes to the waste
baskets Of tho editors who nave
j,andled his COPY. All writer's get
used to feeding the basket. MANY
contributions to II and B. wnich
do mot appear within short time.
nre suppOsed to have gone to the
Office Goat, but this is not true:
For various reasons they are held
for indefinite periods. Hundreds
Of contributors who thought their
net items had been rejected nave
been delighted to see them appear
unexpectedIy. In the best OF dress.
The loyalty Of contribs to this
column Is proverblal. They think
90 much Of the column they never
Complain II something they write
IL delayed In publication or Is
turned down altogether.
II is not q mere platitude when
we say that H and 8 is blessed
with the most loyal lot OF roOters
and writers In the world.
The Washington times., 1922-12-17
BY O. o. MCINTYRE.

yEW YORK has a thousand
III and one restaurants. yet
XN the eternal question. Where
shall we eat?
The culinary art is not confined
to the district Of dizzy lights. One
must go out Of the beaten paths
for adventures in eating.
In the midtown district the ha-
bitual modus operandi Of the res
taurant entrepreneur runs to form
jazz and lights and high-sound-
ing French dishes. Profiteerins
prices.
Many Of them are good few
excellent. but the best steak In
New York ID to be found in q cellar
cafe on Hester street. And mo-
where are steak and onions blend.
ed so tastefully ~ at . sawdust.
carpeted place known ~ Beefsteak
Charles. near the Winter Garden.
The two most popular luncheon
places Just now are the Ritz and
Pierre's, in the order named, al
The Washington times., 1922-12-17
.FoUR JEWELS"

Ny Kate . young and bonnie.
Aye, 3 bonnie lass 10 she.
Her fAce y Ike . bieesoms
And would draw . hsaey Bet
Her locks are fair and Ee,dsa.
And her way slncere and true
SHES PRETTY.
NY ueasn, she b wealthy.
0uifs 8 feaSurs. declare.
Her peeple arc most nSble
And her Jewels very raret
ohS drives the Latest modea.
OF the very finest car,
Aye. this lassie y attractive.
Ard the wealthIest by far-
SHE'S RICH.
ny Chariotte, she n graclees.
Aye, . splendid girl. this da1es
She q aIways Just the same,
0er instincts are most noble.
She's the incest giri ] know,
Her talents, thsY ere many.
She's = charmlnS miss. It's se-
SHES NICE.
Ny Luoy, shsrp no beeuty.
Nor ~ charming ~ the reeS
And net % very gracious.
But yet, i Ike her boetl
She lacks unusual talent.s
Her manner IL 10 ehy.
hut I find her most attractive
And here's the reason why
J. Il. HOLMAN.
The Washington times., 1922-12-17

He recalled the Happy Days Of
Bean Soup and Punkin Pie and
Cottage Chesse.
Time and assin hs would see
one Of these old Trispds on q
Score Gard IN . Restaurant and he
would order Il and get some Fake
imitation with smilax on the Out
skirts.
After Ransom had insulted his
Digestive Apparatus for many
years with the horrible Concoc-
tions Of the Gents Cafe he re-
solved TO 90 back to his Native
Town and visit some Of his Blood
Relations 90 that he could set at
least one more crack at real
American Chow.
He wrote that he was coming
and his Kin became greatly Agi-
tated.
GREUr BATrLESnuP.
''our cslsbratsd Cousin. the Hon.
Ransom Peabody. b coming to
visit us." they said. I'VE must
make unus6al Preparations to rs-
ceive. the big Battis-ship. He b
Rich and h.Toned and has
been living At one Of those 3i3-
a-Day Palaces and We must cut
a.bis Melon when he comes. He
10 accustomed to City Grub and
We must not insult him with
ordinary Provendsr."
30 they began framing up
Dishes out Of . Subscription Cook
Book purchased the year before
from . Lady with Horn-Rim
Glasses.
The Hon. Ransom arrived late
one Evening and al, Might he lay
awake in the Spare Bed-Room
gloating over the Prospect Of .
Home Brealfasl
The Washington times., 1922-12-17
f THE SEARCH FOR THE HOLY GRILL

had once ridden in her Own On.
riago.
Her Long SUIT was Home
Atmosphere. She had the Hall
ways filled with II.
What 10 more, she came from an
Old Family. Lord Cornwallis once
stopped at their House to get .
Drink Of Water and George Wash.
inston came very near sleeping
under their Roof. 30 that made
the Board about 30 cents more on
the week.
Like all high-class Boarding
Houses. II was infested by some
Lovely People.
There was the sirl who spelled
IL Edyths and was having her
Voice done over. She had q
Mother to keep Cases on her and
do the Press Work.
Also therc was the Grass widow
who remembered her Husbands
Name but had misiaid the Address.
Also the Old Boarder who was
always under the influence Of
Pepsin. He would come down to
Breakfast wearing the Hoof Marks
of . nightmare II Hands high
and holler about the Food ana tell
the Young Lawyer how you can't
believe anything you see In the
Papers.
Also there was . young man
employed In Q Furniture store
who knew that he could put w. 3.
Hart on the Tobog II ne ever got
q whack at tho Pictures.
Ranss could have stood for the
Intellectual Entertainment II there
had bsena little moro doing IN the
Food Lima.
Instead Of stacking It up on the
The Washington times., 1922-12-17

Table and giving . Signal to pitch
In. the Refined Lady had It brought
In on stingy little Dabs by several
Beautiful Hsirssses who hated to.
hold Converse with Ordinary Nor.
tails.
About the time that Ranse. with
the Farm Appetite. began to settle
down to Business he would notice
all the other People rolling up the
Red Napkins and trying to get
them into the Rings.
II he kept on eating after that,
they would give him the. frigid
Optic.
Cereals were strongly featured
ut this polite Pruncfy.
Ransom. while employed on the
Farm, had often mixed up Chop
Feed and Bran for the Shoats aud
Yearlings, but he never thought he
would come down to Eating 1t him.
self. M
Another Strong Card was Sour
that was quite Pale and had cou
pie OF vermicelii swimming around
In IL.
And every Tuesday they served
Dried Currants with clinkers in
them.
Before Ranss had been against
the Health Food Proposition many
Moons he began to banker for the
yeilowieGged Plymouth Rocks.
the golden Butter and the Kind Of
Milk that gushss from old Bossy.
stiii. he figured that 40 soon a.
he got into Practice and began to
connect with the Currency he
could shake the Oatmeal Circuit
and move up to IN Al Hotel.
Like al the other Country Boys
Of the Story Books. Ransom maas
. Ten-strike IN the City.
The Washington times., 1922-12-17
GONE AND FORGOTTEN.

You may think that I am letting
Sorrow eat my heart way,
Or perhaps you aro forgetting
Those last words you heard me
say; =
Do you, ever, feeling lonely. '
Think how sure you used to be
That you could be happy only
When with Il1of
You may think that I am yearn-
For . message that comes not,
Or perhaps you have been learn
To be glad In hook and thought;
You may find the word still pleas
ant,
Others earnestly may seek
Happiness In being present
When you speak.
You may think that I am grieying
For what never could bo nilne,
Or perhaps yen arc receiving
Gifts that later you'll resign
Some one else may be the winner
Of the kisses that are sweet;
Some one else may buy the dinner
That you ea&.
You may think that I am signing
In . lonely, d:smal nook,
Or perhaps you're busy trying
To put new bait on your hook.
Luck be with you; fish discreetly.
And waste not . thought on me;
I've forgotten you completely.
As you see.
BABE AND BUDDY.
The Washington times., 1922-12-17
AN ALL.MOvIE ELEVEN.

GEORGETOWN" picks these
stars for an all-movie football team
Of world-renown. suggesting that
BEN TURPIN should be man.
ager, coach. ETC.:
Left end. DOUG" FAIRBANKS" !"
Left tackle. DUSTIN FARNUM.
Left guard. BULL MONTANA.
Center, FATTY" ARBUCKLE.
Right guard. ELMO LINCOLN.
Right tackle. WILLIAM FAR
MUM.
Right end. GEORGE WALSH.
Quarterback. HARRY CAREY.
Left halfback, TOM MIX.
Righ halfback. BUCK" JONES.
Fullback. WILLIAM RUSSELL
The Washington times., 1922-12-17
By GEORGE ADE

me for the Sausage Calkss with
the good old Sage rubbed into
thsm." said Ransom. II win cer-
tainly show the Buckwhsats how
to take . Joke and the way I
dip into that Coffee wili b. . eau.
ton. And mebbs I won't 30 to
those nsgs direct from the Hen!"
He sross early but had to wait
two hours. A. he wss from the
City. the Family had postponed
Breakfast until . O'Clock.
When he Faced up to the Table
he was welfish.
First they gave him Grape
Fruit with Cologne in che Hollow
Places.
Then the Finger Bowl with the
cute Rose Leaves floating idly %
the dimpisd Surface.
Thsn . dainty Lamb Chop with
IN Ornamental Fence around It
and sweet little CUP Of Cocoa
In the China that Uncle Henry
bought at the Worlds Fair.
Then French Toast and Eggs =
II CasazA. with Christmas Trees
stuck In them.
Fine!
The Hon. Ransom arose I'D
spilled fsw Lamentations. there
By getting IN wrong.
Before he went home he did
manage to get . little real Eat.
ing, but every one said he was
very Eccentric to prefer Fried
Mush to Waldorf ssiad.
MORAL: Hurvy up ~ gst n
before We become s,tirciy Civi.
IIsed.
c..srisAs :',,. Y y. n. s.H sy.a'..'.'
The Washington times., 1922-12-17
THE TICKET SELLER.

She ve.ks frsn se,ly nsrsl.g and
She answers fssllsh questions that
are answered In open sight.
A bDoks VIII ask her what ID heref"
AaA then sxDeet . smile,
Whsn upon the alGnboard ebove y
shswn the name, Visible for .
Thsy ssI the price and time Of sb0w.
whsn III they have TO %.
Il lsek before they set inside the sams
A. vSss . - q. ~ IT, utt,s mad ..~s
enc vtll pqueal, you bet,
Thea ve wish that We could Do with
them - some others We have
met.
- whsn yea - iRte . shsw, please
IoOk arOond and eee
n yeu east find cut what yeu want
and be more gentlemanly.
Ard when che lgives .yeu yesr tiekst
and With u pleasant smile:
YOun flnd h'yoa return - much that
% 10 s1re werth While.
FRANKIE b.
The Washington times., 1922-12-17
There are lots Of scomsH
,cho can't cook a has6and's
wsssl bwt thsy knoto ho,O to
UNCLE EPH.
WHAT TO DO
WITH YOUR HAMMER

Put the hammer In the locker.
The pounding board likewise
Anyone can BE- . kn0cker.
Anyone can criticize.
Cultivste Q winning manner,
Though ut first Il ma1 seem
queer,
just pull yourself together,
And you'll get there. never fear.
FLORENCE HOAGLAND.
The Washington times., 1922-12-17
AN AWFUL HAPPENING.

The high noon sun was shining
AZ midnisbt o. the lake,
A sick man, on . cot. was whining,
Because he had NJ pain Or achsj
A hprrieanish tornado.
, Like . gentle ssphyr. came,
A deaf mute raised . tranquil ads
Riding . cricket that was lame,
storm then broke, In . cIeudlsss
sky.
without thunder, rain Or hail.
Three blind men came running By
And stepped on Q rakbit's tall;
Two fat girls. both very lean,
Came behind me. inst In sight,
Seen"
To bs published temorrsw night.
II. SMITH.
The Washington times., 1922-12-17

One morning lad went into the
factory at q quarter past seven.
and the manager saw him. and
said:
We'll. Johnny. why are you 20
later"
The boy began to cry, and said:
We'll, sir. it's q case Of this.
Our knocker-up has q knocker-up
to knock him up at four o'clock,
and our knocker-up's knocker.up
didn't knock our knocker.up up.
20 our knocker.up didn't come to
knock us up."
The Washington times., 1922-12-17
~ NCE there wss . Hired Hand
who felt that hs was cut to
" be Somebody.

who felt that he was cut to
~ be Somebody.
He wore gloves when he tciled
and on Sunday affected sheet-iron,
Shoes pointed at the END.
This Freckied Swain. whose
name was Ransom. wanted TO hop
on the Inter-Reuben and 80 slipping
away to the Great World.
He wanted to live in a Big Town
where he would not have to walk
on the Piowed Ground and where
ne could get something Good to
Eat. He was tired Of the plain
vltties out on the Ranch.
They very seldom had anything
ON the table except Chicken with
Gravy. sait-Rising Bread. Milk.
seven or eight Vegetables. Crulls,
Cookies, Apple Butter, whortle-
berry Pie, Light Biscuit, Spare
Ribs. Pigs Feet. hickory Nut
Cake and such like. ~
This thing of squaring up every.
q. M. to the same old layout Of
homemade Sausage. Buckwheat
Cates, Recent Eggs. Fried Mush
and Mothers Coffee was beginning
70 pail on him.
often he dresmt Of being in the
Metropolis, where he could get an
oyster Stew. Sardines and Ice
Cream in the Winter Time.
HOME ATMOSPHERE.
At last his Dream came out OF
the BOX. He went up to the City
10 attend a Law School and found
himself domiciled In a Refined
Joint that was a cross between
EaIon and a Beanery.
1t was one OF those Regular
Places kept by a thin Lady who
The Washington times., 1922-12-17
FLOWER LANGUAGE.

When you "say it with floW.
ers" the appropriateness Of these
MALINDA.
Blus bells 10 the hypochon-
drplc.
WallfIowsrs 70 the giri who
Morning glory - the man who
can still enjoy IN eye opener.
Primroses 20 the Old maid.
Poppy ts the young father.
Lady .sllpperS 10 the man who
doesnt keep hls dates.
Elderberry to tho oad church
Bleeding heart TO The lifted one.
Dandellon 70 the social fop.
F0rget-mo not 70 the man who
borrowed five.
Jsck.in-ths.pulpit TO the minis
Ter.
MaricolA 70 the girl who made
. rich match.
EvsriaSting - the woman who's
bean twenty-five fer ten years.
The Washington times., 1922-12-17
Spsgk;s1 Of Heard and
Seem, BM, .thers's one thing
that should not bs hsard-
that's soup.
JAMBOREE.
"B0UDOIR" AND BULL DOG.
JAMBOREE.

Little Bobby dumping around
excitedlyt-I know what I'm going
to get for Christmas. ma: its .
bull dog.
Mothsr-A bull dog7 Why. the
very idea.
Little Bobby-Yes, I am. too.
cause ! heard daddy and big
brother whispering about . bull
dog (boudoir) CAP" but what they
want q cap for I'D like to know,
cause my last one only wore q
collar.
LULU NJ. SCHULTZ.
The Washington times., 1922-12-17
IT'S ALL EXPLAINED.

When the boss comes down In
the morning and Ii about ~ pleas
ant a. q lion with q splinter In its
foot don't imagine he had raw
meat for breakfast. Either the
coffee was cold or his wife asked
him for the price of q new bonnet.
Wisconsin Sentinel.
The Washington times., 1922-12-17
DUPLICATION PROBLEM.

Dear Bill: We were talking OF
the duplication Of initials. Taking
three % the average number OF
initials in q persons name. how
many combinations can be made.
using the entire alphabet7
am Of the opinion 1t viii take
some tims to work this out. but !
thought the fans might like to
work on II also.
BRIDGEPORT.
The Washington times., 1922-12-17
Now 10 the time for all good
jokesmiths to spring the one about
prs-xmas reform among boys.
Football 10 an spidermis game.
F'rinstance, the candidate for the
sheepsiein dons the moleskin to
carry the pigskin TO skin his op-
ponsnt. PAUL WHITE.
TERRIBLE PREDICAMENT.

= A cake-eater hurriedly crossing
at Fourteenth and F streets.
while enroute to a cleaner and
presser. unknowingiy dropped the
trousers of the suit which he
carried across his arm.
A passer-by yelled. Hey there.
you lost your pants"
s Response: "Oh, for goodness
sakes." F. w. 8.
The Washington times., 1922-12-17

"Shot Nth Imprnity," says
a headline in a Southern pa
per. We've knos0n many fel-
lotOs scho Were half.shot i0ith
impunity. G. +. s.
The Washington times., 1922-12-17
Dentasts ussd 70 pull my teeth.
xhey cansed ne palm and e0et Ne
s.s I ssss 50 .. them any mere.
I take ny testh out eeeh nlght
myself. UNCLE EPH.
THE BETTER WAY.

To introduce . new article . cer.
tain firm ID swing ons hundred
Russian rubles free with every
purchase. For IN instant success /
suggest that they substitute .
hump of coal for the rubles.
NAUTILUS.
The Washington times., 1922-12-17

The season 70 approaching
for tho guy who's al,cdys tsk-
ting d ch0nce at skating on
thin ice." u. r. S.
The Washington times., 1922-12-17

IL takes more good sense than
dollars to make happy married
life.
The Monroe journal., 1922-01-13

Bailey has erected a new dwelling.
Second tract.-Beginnin at an
iron stake in r. c. Newsom line and
runs n 81 W. S.33 chs. to a pine:
thence s. 1914 w. 21.55 chs. to a
stake in W. b. Pounds line; thence
with said Pounds line and Nash's 5
line 5 +. 2S.1S chs. TO stone by
p.o.; thence N. e4ia +. 22S5 chs.
TO the beginning. containing IS acres
more or less and being that tract of
land conveyed 10 ]. Spofford Bailey
by G w. Bailey and wife by deed
dated Sth day of December, 1919.
and recorded in the Register Of Deeds
office Of Union county in Book 81.
page 4S0. and conveyed TO w. E.
Bailey and wife by ], Spofford Bailey
and wife by deed dated January 4th.
1921, TO which deeds reference is
hereby made for a better description.
This deed OF trust is given subject
TO a deed of trust on the second tract
above described executed to the Bank
of Marshville, with b. C. Parker
trustee, securing a note for 100000
dated January 4th. 1921, and due
Jan 1st, 1929, with interest from
Sold to satisfy provisions of said
deed of trust.
This December IL. 1921.
W. S. BLAKENEY, Trustee
The Monroe journal., 1922-01-13

highest bidder for cash all of that
lot of land lying and being in the
western portion of the City of Mon
roe, and fully described by metes
and bounds in a certain deed made
and executed by A. NJ. Crowel and
wife to C. c. Skies on the 7th day Of
Feb, 1908, and duly registered in the
office of Register of Deeds for Union
County in Book IL page 491, to which
reference is hereby craved for more
particular description. Except from
the above description, however, one
lot of land heretofore conveyed by
c. c. Skies and wife to Chas. N.
Toney from the above described lot.
Said lot having been conveyed to Will
Gather by c. c. Skies and default
having been made in the payment of
the note secured by said deed of
trust, and demand havinr been made
on me to proceed to advertise and sell
said lot.
JOHN C. SKIES, Trustee
This 28th day of December, 1921.
The Monroe journal., 1922-01-13
A REAL REMEDY
FOR FALLING HAIR

Here's good news for all men and
women whose hair is falling out, who
are growing bald and have scalps COW
cred with dandruf that itch like mad.
English Drug Company or any good
druggist can now supply you with the
genuine Partisan sage liquid form)
which is guaranteed to quickly, sure
ly and safely abolish every sign of
dandruff, stop itching scalp and fall
ing hair and promote new growth or
money refunded.
Thousands can testify to its excel
ence; some who feared badness now
glory in their abundant hair, while
others who suffered for years with
dandruf and itching head got clean,
cool scalp after just few days use
of this simple home treatment.
No matter whether bothered with
falling hair, gray hair, matted, stringy
hair, dandruff or itching scalp try
Partisan sage-you will not be disap-
pointed. It's a scientific preparation
that supplies all hair needs.
The Monroe journal., 1922-01-13

our winter hotels and of course we
eongregate on this early cotton be-
cause II begins to fruit first.
Then what do those farmers do
A. They pick and Kill about all Of US
on those rows and do not have 50
many to fight in the field later.
What happens soon after cotton be-
gins 10 put on squares? \ The hen
weeyils begin to lay eggs. carefully
sealing up one 10 a square.
How many eggs does an average
weevil lay? \. About 40. and she
lays them within few days or weeks
at most. Then she usually dies, hav-
ing fulfilled her mission in life.
How about the rooster weevils :?
4. They live much longer than the
hens, sometimes a whole summer.
What does il mean when hen Wee
VII is killed before she has begun TO
lay eggs? A. Ii simply means the
saving of about two pounds Of seed
cotton directly and no telling how
much indirectly. by rreventing that
weevil from having descendants.
Weeyile multiply very rapidly, do
they General! A. Rather. II has
been estimated that the possible total
descendants Of three hen weevils in
one season would iill room ten feet
by ten feet by ten feet high.
About how many weevils would that
be? A. Forty million, | dare say.
more or less.
What happens TO a square If il is
punctured? A. II usually drops to
the ground within week or ten
days.
II it contains an egg, what is most
necessary for the young weevil's de
velopment? A. Moisture. If il is
very hot and dry. large per cent of
such weevils parch up and die before
The Monroe journal., 1922-01-13

or logs, in nearby woods and build
ings, etc, any place that affords pro-
lection.
How far from the cotton field
where you are when frost comes will
You 20 in search Of winter hotels :?
A. Seldom, if ever, over 200 feet.
Do You prefer a dry place TO spend
the winter? A. Absolutely. We can
not survive in 4 wet place Of any
kind.
Why is this trues A. Because. for
a boil weeyil to live through a win
ter like you have here. it is necessary
that he lose about one-third of his
body by evaporation so as to keep
from freezing. This evaporation can
only take place when my hotel is a
sheltered place or in dry vegetation.
Do all weevils find good winter no.
tells? 4. No. No, most of us fail 20 do
SO and therefore die before spring.
About what per cent Of the weevils
in fall will survive the average win
ter? A. That varies from three per
cent or less in seyere winters 10 as
high as forty in mild winters.
Which Of you are most likely to
survive the winter? \. Those that
have reached maturity lust prior to
frost and have had pletny OF good
food before frost comes
What you eat during the winter? ?
A. Nothing. We can live through the
winter without food Ike flies. frogs
and snakes.
Do YOU ever wake M before
spring? A. Yes, some of US do, if
The weather is very warm.
What happens in such a case? A.
The return Of cold weather usually
kills all such unfortunate weevils,
Do all weevils wake un at the same
time in spring? A. Never. Some