davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1922-12-06
GA. R LADIES' AUXILIARY Il.
ELECTS YEARS OFFICERS

4 Mrs. Mary Potter was elsctsd'
lady commander OF the ,ladies' au1it
iary OF the Army And Navy Union
at q. A. r. Hall last night. ~
Other officers elected are: Lady
vice commander, Mrs. FIorsnce Hell.
gesen; lady deputy commander. Mrs.
IS. Coulter; lady quartermaster.
Alice Cauffman; lady paymaster.
Mrs. May Di Mario: lady chaplain,
Mrs. Annie Dietz: lady officer-of.the-
day, Ethel Cosar: patriotic instruc-
tor, Pearl Cogar and lady sentry.
Mrs. Ruth Abner. 49," k's 4 y
The Washington times., 1922-12-06
SEEKS 70 REMOVE DRY
FORCE FROM POLITICS

Transfer Of Americas dry" en-.
forcement army, to the Classified
Civil Service was one step pearer
today when the Senate Civil Service
COMMITTEES tentatively approved a
bin authorizing the change. The
measure would place all field agents
ana inspectors. including general
prohibition agents and field super.
visors, under the Civil Service. All
these positions are now filled by
political appointments.
The bill, however, would except
tvoiva executive officials in the
washington bureau and five exccu-
tives In each directors office.
The Washington times., 1922-12-06
DOCTOR LOSES 2 MIRRORS
WORTH $50, TO THIEVES

Two negroes yesterday evening
who stole two mirrors, valued at
$50. from the office OF DR.. John r.
Francis, In the Southern Aid build
ing, showed originality. iG i4
They told Eva Bengham, office
employe, that they had been sent
there by the doctor to get possession
OF the mirrors. When DIR. Francis
returned he discovered the fraud.
The Washington times., 1922-12-06

.Willie-Pop, what does nom
an the rest Of the women do
st the sewing circle-sit round
. circle an sew an sewf
Willic's Papa-No, son, they
sit around In . circle and talk
about $50 and So"
HARPERS FERRY.
The Washington times., 1922-12-06
the special guest Of honor.

the special guest Of honor.
Miss Alice Drake, of the Y. w,
C. A.. Of the District. delivered a
lecture on music. illustrated by
songs by Mrs. NJ. A. Little, Mrs,
Clyde Shade. Mrs. G. b. Smith and
Mrs. J. Frank Rice. Mrs. M. Seidel
played a plano solo. Mrs. M. A.
Little was IN charge Of the musical
program. ~
The Washington times., 1922-12-06
THEIR NEW PRESIDENT.

News note says Miss Schwind-
ling, Of New York, elected presi-
dent of the Manicurists' Union.)
Huyrah for the manicure girls.
Even II our cash Ii dwindllng,
Long may their new president
Her name Is Miss SchwindIing.
HANK HAWKINS.
The Washington times., 1922-12-06
Didn't Rob a oypsy.

Jack Curley. turf Nwriter, .SAand
william Wells, alias Long Hhct
Red" were discharged yesterday, IN
Police Court. They were charged
with the theft Of a gypsy's purse
and money. The gypsy told the
District Attorney that he had later
found the money. and tho case
against the two men was nolle
prossed. F,t t1ge
The Washington times., 1922-12-06
A. L. A. Delegates Touring.

Eighty motoring members Of the
American Legal Association. who
arrived IN WASHINGTON Yesterday
Fredericksburg, Va, on their way 70
Miami, Fla. Comprising . oarsvan
Of twenty automobiles, the, party
expect 70 make the trip In fourteen
days.
The Washington times., 1922-12-06
Leaves Estate to Daughter.

Mrs. Annie Hebsacier, who died
November -, left an estate valued
at more than ss6.0o0. according to
q petition for ietters tsetAmentary
fiied IN Probate Court by her dnugn-
ter, Amalia n. Ryan. sole beneficiary
under the WILL,
The Washington times., 1922-12-06
SLASH DUE.
TOPONER.
PRESS
WORK
Measure to Eliminate Hand
Work, Recommended by Hill.
Favored in House.

Two hundred and eighteen plate
printers and assistants will lose
their jobs in the Bureau Of En-
craving and Printing If the Treas
ury Appropriation bill, as reported
to the House today by the Ap-
preparations Committee, is passed.
Means Cash Saving. - 80
The measure provides for the
elimination of all except fifty hand
presses at the bureau and the pur-
chase of fifty-eight power presses.
with the provision that with the new
presses the bureau director must re-
duce the number of persons employed
ir the operation Of plate-prtnting
presses by not less than 218.
Louis A. Hill, director of the bu-
reau. in recent hearings before the
Appropriations Committee, urged
the discontinuance of the use of all
hand presses. He pointed out that
power presses would save the Gov
ernment thousands Of dollars annu.
ally. -...g ...s .
The Appropriation COMMITTEES ap-
proved his recommendation and pro-
vided in the bill for the dispensing
of the use Of 1875 hand plate printing
presses and the purchase Of fifty
eight new power presses. ~.
This will bring the number OF
power presses to 800. Hill says these
presses can handle all OF the plate
printing work at the bureau.
The new presses will cost $500
each, and would save the Govern
ment. according to Hill, $746,566 a
year. practically double the cost of
the presses, which would be $355.000.
Will Get Raise In Pay. 2
The bill provides that these new
presses must be installed by Septem-
Der 30, 1923. This means that the
installation Of the presses will bogin
within a few months after the pas
sage of the measure. eliminating the
21S jobs soon after the first of next
July.
The director of the bureau has for
many years been seeking to elimi-
nate the use of all hand presses.
Those plate printers now assigned
to hand presses who are transferred
to power presses will get an increase
in pay from $3.50 day to $e.97. the
per diem wage paid power press plate
printers. OF the 218 to be dropped
about so will be plate printers and
the others assistants.
The Appropriation Committee re.
duced an item in the budgets recon.
mendation of SOC, 900 for employees re.
quired for administrative work to
$4,000. 81
The committee also reduced the
salaries of many employees, making n
saving Of SIC, 900 q year.
The Washington times., 1922-12-06
ONCE A FAN. ALWAYS A FAN.

Dear Bill: Although / hare
not contributed to the grand old
column for si9 months or more,
/ have never ceased to read the
many interesting and humorous
articles and rhymes which make
Heard and Seen so attractive.
May It continue co hpe long in
tie hearts of the people.
p. d. @.
The Washington times., 1922-12-06
rAkoMA CIVIC CLUB
GIVES DONATION PARTY

A donation party for the benefit
Of q widow whom the club has help
Cd for number Of years featured a
meeting OF the Takoms Park Civic
Club yesterday. Mrs. J. II. Jones,
president Of the Montgomery County
Federation Of Women's clubs was
The Washington times., 1922-12-06
MPL0YES
BONUS To
STAY
House Appropriations Chair
man Says Congress Will Pass
Measure Again.

Chairman Martin B. Madden,
Of the House Appropriations Com
mittee, indicated today that the
$24O bonus for Government en-
ployes would continue for another
year.
Madden says he will introduce
into Congress shortly a special
bill providing for the bonus ex-
tension through the fiscal year
which begins next July.
Certain OF Passage.
Congress voted for the bonus
last year." said Madden. THE same
Congress Is now sitting. and I am
sure they will vote again for the
measure"
Last year an attempt was made
to cut the bonus down TO $3.50. Con.
sress, however. killed this move.
The same fate is expected this year
Of any attempts 70, lower the $24o
figure. ~ ...-.-
The bonus. Madden pointed out. ID
given in lieu OF increases In the
basic salaries Of Government EN-.
ployes. The appropriations for this
year carry no pay raises, II was
said. The bonus IN not attached to
any appropriation bill. but 10 han.
died by Congress a. d separate mat
ter.
Until Pay, II Increascd.
Madden was asked today how long
he thought the bonus would con-
tinue. x e.
Members Of Congress seem to be
inclined to continue the bonus until
the reclassification bill Isl passed" |"
he replied. when this WIN Be done.
I cannot tell" a .. MA
Efforts were made to pasp the re-
classification bill last ses4on, but
they failed. II will be brought up
again this year and its passage VIII
result in an upward revision Of
salaries OF Government employees.
bringing about also the discontinu-
ance Of the bonus.
Members Of Congress generally TO-.
day declared they favored the bonus,
and would vote for its continuance.
When Madden introduces his spes
cial bill. II Is expected II will 60
through the House with little diff
Guilty unless attempts are made to
reduce the amount. In this event,
II is expected some controversy may
develop.
The Washington times., 1922-12-06
TT WAS NEW TO HIM.

Ray, Of Mt. Rainier, took his
modern young nephew out
walking the other day, and In
the course Of their stroll came
across one Of the few remain.
ing horse watering troughs
that were 80 numerous around
Washington some years back.
Spying this unusual contri.
vance, Rays nephew exclaim.
ed: "Oh. look. uncle, the peo-
pie in this neighborhood have
a bathtub right out here In
the streets" w. r. II.
The Washington times., 1922-12-06

I've just met bird whs's quito
dumb,
You'll not believe II. ] suppose;
He thinks "EsQ." after meme
Indicates they ere Esqsimsnx.
HANK HAWKING.
The Washington times., 1922-12-06
"DONT GET HURT"

"Don't get hurt hear that shout
BY Waterman, cop and sign,
On every corner turn about
And don't let danger you entwins
Just watch the signs,
Don't mind the cop,
Be sure you don't spill the beans.
Scrape up the rhymes,
Don't use . mop,
And have your fine In your Jeans.
JAY BIRD.
The Washington times., 1922-12-06

"Mrs. Hezekiah Brambles pent
do,Un tos0n yestiddy to buy. a
pair of neW shoes" writes Uncle
EPH, "bnt jist as she got in the
shoe store she remembered that
one of her stockings had hole
IN it and she put off the pNr-
chase" ..
The Washington times., 1922-12-06
IS 1T RIGHT?

She was Q swell Eiri-you know.
q regular paL-
Not too awfully good, Just .
rough and resdy gal;
But down In her heart she was
gold, was stella.
Shed have made q dandy chap,
II shed been . felIa.
Yet GirI is supposed to be modest
and shy. t.'
Not like Q boy-which makes me
wonder whyf
The same blood courses through
oher veins.
But II she falls Il leaves indelible
stains; r.
While . boys fall IL wiped out
with Q laugh. 49,
He goes back home and they Kill
the fatted calf, -
IL that right, Billf say no. not
by half. q. w. McC.
The Washington times., 1922-12-06

TOAsTING OLD H AND 8.
The Washington times., 1922-07-02
Cogitations of a Cuckoo

Cogitations of a Cuckoo
about himself without ins.rruDaon - : - ~ ''' - ,
Radio adolescsnt stage In few year, We Will know
Nhe'nn u going to be q blessing or nuisance
removed from his house No obliged
medicine
srsvty the soul of W.T. That's why funny
whs. blame himself for hi,
troubles there = chance he may reform
Nowadays hom. b wher. ii. Ford A
III. tariff bm bound about thick a. New York tels-
phone book But not as thick Of the subscribers
Summer w.r. no. for the mosquitoes Sum.
nsr resorts, picnies and hot weather.
NE goodlooktng girls marry.
PLUGGING.
He pi.ss.d along
From d.y - day
A.d ses. hs ~.
A'...hp.~
AA - u. ....
Ups. DE- Sss~
~ a.S~ ~ I..ss
n.ss.s. ....-~
MoA1.W Ms - A.s''- Aa.-s'.- u. aaass bad 70 d..
M1 0LbA
ixN~A1A =, bs.l,s b ~ ssAs
IA ~ fnsa sss.sna,A&1 ssask
- - hsa sA sf dsskk
~ AaA - pi.ss - -
D." Ssfs4s.sAs Nh s..a b - S-A
Ds1a - - n1AA ~ - AsA yaaAh NAm Asy lsnt
hnsk Amts.at ylhA fvn - t,ssEso1
sHsssos zDssos eAxs A,sswza.
Nv Aps - ssAS6s se,dscsss bstsai Nobody ne
AlksAa IssA, - Il
- 9hs6 sssd htsua,.s ~ vm hsvs - refer
~ - hs xagDs csafsfsnsA
- AR Hs Husians sensssnsd Europs
hnd out how b fvs with en- without
The Washington times., 1922-07-02
BY Roy K. Moulton

II they attend t. Which the only
way to get the average American
tired Of this sort Of liberty Il to
give him plenty Of It. Too much
Of good thing says one learned
guy, is plenty"
"In my day." says Elias @. Hig-
ginbotham, I'VE do not have such
milk-and-water celebrations as you
hsvs outlined. In those days We
tear the limit OF and play It to the
ceiling. Anybody who does not
have his whiskers singed of on the
Fourth Of July or get q black eye
or lose q couple Of coat tails In q
fireworks explosion is q poor sort
Of q patriot and does not command
much respect"
'In them days." says Quincy,
you are lot Of unregenerate
boobs who have not learned the
advanced idear Of liberty and free
dom. In the old days you think
freedom is a primitive sort Of a
thing that you should ort to holler
about and fight for and be proud
Of. But it is not. 1t Is an aca-
demic thing, freedom is, and in
stead Of feeling proud Of It and
bowling about it, you should ort
to use the soft pedal and treat It
like something that you have got
to have around but which is not
so very welcome and is something
which the children must not find
out about IL you can help it. A
little freedom goes a long ways,
according to the modern idears,
and anybody that makes q fuss
about 1t Is q roughneck.
"You birds in the old days used
to get all smoked up about the
Revolutionary War and say nice
things about George Washington
and Ben Franklin and Thomas JEFF
ferson and those old boys. Since
then we have learned they were
The Washington times., 1922-07-02
Quincy Todd on the Fourth of july

to represent our now idear Of free
dom, and Il will not be at all diffi-
cult TO get up . hns patriotic
program that will at the times like
. silk stocking. / have already
mapped out . tentative program
which ought to raise the patriotic
spirit to fever heat and mako all
foreign countries regard us with
awe and respect, not unmingied
with fear. I have not got 1t quite
finished, but 1t runs along a. fol-
lowsi
Chautauqua salute at sun
rise, led by w. J. Bryan. This
consists in waving handker-
chieves and is noiseless.
Sham battle by IIzy Einstein
and Moe Smith against bevy Of.
hand-picked and hand-cuffed
Brooklyn cafe owners.
Singing of National Anthem,
"If There's Anything You Like
to Do, It's Wrong"
Reading Of Declaration Of In
dependence (expurgated), in
deaf and dumb language, by
Rev. Wilbur Crafts, chairman
Of the Lords Day Alliance.
Address of the day: "Stop All
Other Sunday Diversions, But
Keep the Gasoline Cars Run
ming" by John D. oilyfeller, Jr.
Demonstration of the ducking
stool, pillory, stocks and other
sweet religious inventions, by
Brother Bowlby Of the Lords
Day Alliance, assisted by Cuckoo
Clan in nightshirts and pillow
cases.
Free will offering taken up By
the Rev. Bill Sunday.
Mass meeting in Central Park
to amend the Declaration of In
dependence and make Il the
Declaration of Intolerance.
Patriot address by Uncle Han
The Washington times., 1922-07-02

all wrong when they established
this country. Maybe they were
sincere, but, Of course, they didn't
know what America would be to-
day. They thought liberty and
freedom was hot stuff, and that
L. what they fought for. You
used to make q great fuss over
Abraham Lincoln and Grant, too.
You didn't know that liberty was
about the worst thing the people
Of this country could have. You
had to wait and let q lot Of tin
horn reformers find II out for you.
'Now We are being educated up
to the point where We will be able
to get along without any liberty
at all. About the only snappy
thing you can do now without
breaking some lawr Is to carry .
cane and even then somebody Il
always sizing It up to sec II II
hasn't got a screw-top with .
hooch chamber inside of it."
'It looks like a gloomy Fourth"
says Elias Q. Higginbotham.
mot for mo-" says Quincy. IT
shall not be here over the Fourth"
"And why not7"
because I am going away up
in the Maine woods, fifteen miles
from a settlement and I am going
to get up on a rock and I am going
to holler 'Hurrah for George
Warrington I am going to hur-
rah for everything from short skirts
to auction pinochle and the
shimmy, and then I am going to
touch off q fve-cent bunch Of fire.
crackers tied to my own coat-tail
and have a good time. And I will
have It all alone, by myself"
mo, you will not"
81 would like to know Why"
says Quincy.
because | am going with you,"
says Elias Q. Higginbothsn.
The Washington times., 1922-07-02

Ford entitled, "Rslisieas HbsTty
for al Americans Except Some
I Don't Like"
Waving Of American flags al
lowed II accompanied by flags Of
all other nations.
No grand display Of fireworks
In the evening. Fireworks are
immoral.
"That program sounds sort Of
tame to me-" says Elias @. Higgin-
botham. '1t don't seem to have
. kick In It."
at has got all the kick We can
put into It without breaking the
law" says Quincy.
II don't believe II will draw %
very good" says Elias q. Higgin-
hotham. "Who do you expect will
attend this celebration1"
"Everybody-," says Quincy.
"Everybody-except them that
wear short skirts, play golf, whistle
on Sunday, take an occasional nip,
play cards, dance, chew gum, read
Sunday papers, 60 on Sunday out
ings, go to theatres, attend base
ball games, 60 to movies, smoke
cigarettes, play jazz on phono-
graphs, smoke pipes, make home
brew, ride on the merry-go-round
or attend races, Outside Of these
few I have named everybody will
attend the celebration"
"T'll say they WILL" says Elias
Q. Higginbotham. "You will have
a fine bunch Of crape-hangers and
weeping-willows."
That's the intention" says
Quincy. However, It Is q good
program, at that"
"I'll say It's good" says Elias
Q. Higginbotham. 'It's awful
good"
'Tt is the kind Of q liberty pro-
gram that will make the boys up
at Sing Sing feel perfectly at home
Ssssiisnt, asaa ~ s,As Co
The Washington times., 1922-07-02
Light Summer Fiction

BE-. s.Hs n A..s :S.: $ d. Who'll. Atlantic :s.'tlnss
Ms hotel"
We Eong - seuthpssa snd ns. Tuxedo later the
sssssu."
"oeorss buy . ear but I said old
would do"
vs straight stable dope this HORSE He can't lose"
mesquite this since Worlds Fair
year."
Ths ehsf Of formerly shsf crinon,
Paris"
anxious for Mary this She's sny thirty
two."
Mads be awful tough for hare in town without
you."
"Goodbyl III send night letter night without fail
this hotel played Broadway all last Winter"
shall send you my entire salary week away,
darling"
"Th ID the coolest motion picture theatre In this town."
unexceed-rooms all light and airy with view Of
nnehole golf in America proclaimed by
eerts"
win along until September dear but viii be lonely"
apartment cheap Very cool all Summer long
"our exclusive afraid to take anybody In
"Swep by the suest days Of Summer
"Stop long like at point Of interest"
Henry wanted Newport but why spend all that
Best shore dinner Atlantic coast Price only 81"
The Washington times., 1922-07-02

fT SEE soms fellers are talk
Ing Of getting up . Fourth
Of July celebration this
yssr," sau Elias Q. Higgin-
botham.
"Hsvs they wrote over and got
Lloyd Georges psrrnissiont" asks
Quincy Todd.
Fl don't know, Whyi
"Beeauss II thsy havs over
looked this detail I am afraid It Is
all o6," says Quincy. 1--WE can't
afford 70 offend nobody, and II ws
get too hilarious about putting q
crimp In old King George III. his
descendant, George ", Is liable to
rise up and have his feelings hurt.
We gotta take part In the troubles
Of the whole world now, and we
must not do nothing to make them
any VERSE than they are now. A
Fourth Of July celebration Is apt
to become q little too optimistic
about America and spill q lot of
diplomatic beans. We have got to
be conservative and not rock the
boat. Somebody might even get
up and read the Declaration of
Independence right out loud, and
Mr.. Harvey over at st. Jim's court
would have to put on his velvet
knee-breeches and make . lot of
embarrassing explanations"
AT any rate" says Elias @.
Higginbotham, "thers would not
Be much Of . kick In q Fourth Of
July celebration this year, SO there
Is not much to get excited about.
The old Fourth Of July talent like
Bourks Cochran and Chauncey
Depew and them guys seem to be
In eclipse, and I know q lot of guys
right in my own set who are not
smoked up over this. Fourth of July
thing 30 you can notice it at ALL"
"You are mistaken" says
Quincy. "Thers is plenty Of talent
The Washington times., 1922-07-02
Mr.. Hays!
@H. M. Hays, Oh, Mr.. Hsys,
You can favor Ne In ssiss
lot Of ways.

NH, Ms. Hays. Oh, Mr.. Hsys,
You can favor Ne In quits
. lot Of wsys.
In ths pictures you're supreme,
And We long have had . dream
That somsens would suppress the
movie Jays.
Oh. do not wait, ssphyxiats
The boob who reads the titiss all
aloud.
When . guy fights With his wife,
To the pen send him for life.
And everyone will bIsss you, IN
the crowd. (
Another pest We hats the best
I. the one who always walks spont
our fest,
And the one who stands and stsrss
A. the hero does and dsrss
And never hurriss down int he
Oh. please forbid. the sq.s~ilns
And the dumbbslls who hug flap.
pers In the dark.
II they humble b.by.tsik.
Let them 20 and take . walk.
They will not annoy sane people
in the park.
Please use some tact, make actors
And remove the dismal james who
stand and sob.
Knock the sinking doll-faesd
stars
For a row Of pickle jars,
And let them 60 out and find an
other job.
Put In q plot, where Il 10 not. j
Give us mysteries that ehildrsnk
cannot guess.
Let the fillums tell tale
Where they usually fall.
Let q hero know some thinss cut.
side Of drsss.
Please lot the scamp outwit the
vamp,
And the villain lick the hero now
and then.
IL there must be fistie strife,
Try to make IL true to life,
And don't let ribbon clerks whip
full-grown men.
A guy with brains 10 given Psins.
The audience 10 full of clever
folks,
Who are well equipped to think
IL you don't drive them to drink
With q lot of mswkish ssntimsnt
and jokes.
Oh, Mr.. Hays, Oh, Mr.. Hays,
You will be our patron saint
through all our days,
If you'll just cut out the junk
And eliminate the bunk,
You will be he nations idol, NJ.
Hays
The Washington times., 1922-07-02
Choose Your News

ING GEORGE k.s ~szins trs.blss sny common
r Hes get lot Of ehidrsa hat he 10 marry sk
king slss lack The dough
Lrks ordinary be.
Hen Ford doomed fss Prssidsnt bot made .
That he will spend and he'll Il without jssk
He'll sursly 6nd fat
What poltieisn. think of that
learned sSs.tst kas said how 10 lsvs.
They could from the nonhys who hang The Above
We've suitors with their bunk
Whe sosld sutunonksy monk
The tariff dnhsrs . work and all suss.
Fer every time the ding b fixed Il nttls
The day We hsps %, ~hs.
viii Be a.sd By bu.ns..
mflen sity people VIE ere h..y With the heat
Dew. - hs eel Atlantic Tub ass daily In rsrsstS
Bst, whom this brssthns spet they ssaeH
Tie IS. 4. O." as.'s o. sh. bs.sh.
n haaidsa q sssisey - xsd . .eAls kieLa
AID shss h.A wssk bse..ss he. B-ei<
Whs. good Ansrissns they spsSn,
Thsss lAdss Dc . Issssa learn
Wssss,. xsaa - ksS ksssuss shs 1evsi him
H nssvs.e fv his hsunts sAs Adns
Dsa hsr ~ rights
Bseaass shs knows vhsss hs b nishta
The Washington times., 1922-07-02

II your nose itches, rub It vigor-
ously against the coat collar Of the
man directly in front Of you. II
a lady Is In front Of you, be ,
gentleman and let your nose Itch
Don't try to crowd yourself into 8,
a train. There will be another
along In fifteen or twenty minutes.
Be sure and put your hand into
your own pocket and not into the
pocket Of . neighbor, for II must
remain there for the balance Of
the trip.
Be sure and have your cigars in
an aluminium case. II you don't
they will be hns-cut tobacco by
the time you get home.
II . lady has her sharp elbow
In your left ear, don't blame her.
She can't move It.
II you are . fat man, take .
taxicab. No fat man has any
friends In the subway.
II you are q short lady and
cannot reach . strap, It 10 permis-
sible to hang onto soms gentle
mans whiskers.
Do not chew gum. This process
takes up lot Of room.
The best punch 10 deliver when
seeking room In the subway 10 .
short jah to the solar plexus. This
doubles the party up and allows
you to move forward.
II you drop an asnemic or un-
der-nourished nickel In the turn
stile, don't turn around to see II
anybody d watching you. Pass
right through. Delays are danger
Gus.
II the crowd Il 80 dense you
cannot get of at your station. stay
right on the train and 20 to .
station that has a cross-over, then
take sastAsr train back. '