davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1922-10-29

T AM usually strong enough to
walk around the block to
= avoid meeting a man who has
just been to Europe for the first
time.
l am no Apollo Belvidere, but
I resent having any spindle-leg-
)ged cake-eater with sea-lion hair
make fun of my mature shape.
believe that going to a lee
ture on art breaks up an evening
worse than almost anything else
you can do.
I don't judge a man by the
clothes he wears. Many a man
wears a silk hat who has never
driven a hack.
I believe that small towns are
The Washington times., 1922-10-29
City Life Snapshots
Slim Mcpherson

THERE Is a bird who lives in this town
And goes by name Of Slim Mcpherson,
Being called "Slim" for the reason
That he is slender sort of person
Az we might say, in more ways than one.
For a number of years, in fact q number
Which corresponds with his age, this Slim
Has managed to dodge work Of all kinds.
His excuse has always been he expected
To inherit a large sum Of money from
Fayorite uncle of Sims who expects to die
And leave about four million fish.
Slim knew that most Of this would be his
Because this uncle, as we have told you,,
Has always been his favorite uncle.
It seems this uncle slips Sam occasionally
A piece of lunch money or something.
One day Slim Is very happy to receive
A telephone call from this uncle saying
The latter was in the city and would like
To have Slim call at his hotel at once.
Slim buys new suit on installments,
And when he gets to the hotel his uncle
Introduces him to a dizzy sort Of blonde
About twenty-three years Of age and says
This young lady is his new wife.
Slim has gone and went TO work
The Washington times., 1922-10-29
A Few Good Ones
We Live to Learn.

We Live to Learn.
tT NEVER knew till l got q.
car" said Bishop Eighty,
"that profanity was 30 preva-
lent"
"Do you hear much Of 1t on
the road?"
"Why," said the Bishop,
NEARLY everybody I bump into
swears dreadfully."
Copyright. Is21. By Star Co.
The Washington times., 1922-10-29
Old Friends.

RoBBY'S mother took him out
- to the park the other day,
and as they stood watching the
birds in their enormous cage the
little fellow observed q stork gaz-
ing at him. "Oh, look, mother"
said Bobby. "The stork Il try
ing to see II he remembers me
still"
The Washington times., 1922-10-29

A Desperate Criminal.
WARDEN-Your wifes here to
" see ye.
Prisoner (desperately)-Tell
'er I'm out! .~r.,
What Made the Noise.
WIFEY-I heard a noise when
w you came In last night.
Hubby-Perhaps It was the
night falling.
wifsy (coldly)-No, It wasn't,
it was the day breaking.
New Mark Needed.
IACK-I don't think should
. get a zero on this examina-
ton.
Professor-Correct, but that's
the lowest mark know Of.
More Data Needed.
HEAD OF FIRM-How long do
IL you want to be away on
your wedding-trip?
Kinks (timidly)-Well, sir
er---w hat would you say?
Head of firm-Howl do I
know? I haven't see the bride.
Here and Hereafter.
UhGNES always finds something
n to harp on"
eyes; I only hope she'll be as
fortunate In the next world"
=
r. A Tense Situation.
FORTUNE TELLER-You wish
II to know about your future
husband?
ICustomer-No; I wish to know
about the past of my present hus-
band for future use.
The Voice of Experience.
CONDUCTOR (new to the job)
" Pm sure the old boy there
Mas paid his fare twice. Think
I had better tell him about it2
Motorman-No-o! Ask him
for It again.
Cooperation Required.
rUEST-Look here! How long
u must I wait for the half por-
tion of duck I ordered?
Waiter-Till somebody orders
the other half. We can't 60 out
and kill half duck. -,
Deceived Wife.
saTRoUBLE at homer" inquired
! the sympathetic friend.
"Serious," replied Mr.. Meek
ton. "My wife went through my
pockets last night"
"And you are highly In
,dignant?"
irNo. She Is. She didn't find
. thing"
The Washington times., 1922-10-29
Our Information
Bureau

- My husband is q chronic
kicker. What would you
" advised
A.-Try him with . horse
doctor. . ...
Q.-Is there anything that can
be done with Q man who marries
o woman for her money?
A.-Sure; leave 1t to her and
she'll soon find out.
o.-Is Il possible to dis
tinguish . male fly from .
female fly?
A.-The female flies stick to
the mirrors; the male flies are In
the soup. ' J
Q.-How can a wife improve
her husbands game Of bridget
A.-Stop kicking him under
the table.
Q.-Why Is q barber pole
striped? =
A.-To keep intoxicated cit
liens from trying to get a shave
at . hitching post. 80
Q.-who said: "Msn wants
but little here below"7
A.-we're looking for thst
liar ourself. ...'.
The Washington times., 1922-10-29

Rural Editors
Paragraphs
THE Socialists in these here
neck Of the woods only
have one vote, but still
they have q large party IN the
neighborhood, said large party
bein' Eb Hammer, the blacksmith,
an he weighs nigh on to $50,
sans Bvps.
Hipe Snodgr1ss says Il win
soon be time to put your watches
back. He opines hen have to
put his back where he gotit from
last Spring, leastwise II he wants
to wear an overcoat
Louise Kline says he don't do
no singin' when he's waikiki the
floor with his six months old of
spring at night. His wife, she
does the singin' and he Just car
ries the heir.
Danny Green says he'd like to
take . long rest, but It's difficult
to get Not SO, say we, just turn
on the gas Jets in . well-sealed
room. The rest Il easy. e..
Now that the miners strike II
over here's hopin' that the coal
dealers make peace with the
maintenance Of weigh men.
Soup eatin' has got to be such
an art up at Miss Sophrony
Prune's boardin' house that they
eat with tunin' fork.
Danny Green's mother-in-law
hit Danny over the, head with .
book she tossed at him an Danny
had her up before Judge Meeker.
The judge asked Danny how. the
book was bound an Danny says
"it was bound east about fifty
mile an hour"
Now that the girls have got the
amplifiers workin' on their skirts
it makes gittin' married more Of
a gamble again, say We.
Rumor had It that Duke
Smiths wife was suin' him for
divorce. because she found q
strange hair net in his pockets,
but the Duke says It amt 50,
that II was only . rabbit trap
that she found. ~.
A lot Of these wiseguys Of sur
geons are maxim q lot Of noise
over this new fad Of blood trans
fusion just ut present, but to any
body who has pslled aroun' with
. bunch Of good ltve-wire Jersey
mosquitoes blood TRANSMISSION IL
nothin' new to them, say we.
81 Peppergill Is sick Of bed
with the fevet an aguer an Doc
Meadows says 81 has the chills 50
bad that he thinks he will shake
the fever off in day or two.
Jake Thurber says he don't
have no trouble maxim his wife
believe what he tells her. She
was Q sword swallerer in . circus
before taken in the bonds Of holy
matrimony an she'll swaller any
thin, says he.
Now that Congress has got
down to chewin' the rag about
the tariff on razors, there will
he some cuttin' an slsshin' re-
marks. ..l.,
Lives there . man with soul %
dead,
Who never TO himself has said,
This IL my own, not my, neigh.
boris gland. Anon.
Our Information
The Washington times., 1922-10-29

Louise Kline says he don't do
no singin' when he's walkin' the
floor with his six months old Off
spring at night. His wife, she
does the singin' and he Just car
ries the heir.
The Washington times., 1922-10-29
Rural Editors
Paragraphs

T1HE Socialists in these here
neck Of the woods only
have one vote, but still
they have q large party IN the
neighborhood, said large party
bein' Eb Hammer, the blacksmith,
an he weighs nigh on to $50,
sans BvD's.
The Washington times., 1922-10-29

Hipe Snodgrass says II win
soon be time to put your watches
back. He opines hsfll have to
put his back where he gotit from
last Spring, leastwise II he wants
TO wear an overcoat.
The Washington times., 1922-10-29

Danny Green says he'd like to
take q long rest, but It's difficult
to get. Not SO, say we, just turn
on the gas Jets in . well-sealed
room. The rest Il easy. g.. t..
The Washington times., 1922-10-29
Wit of the Week

A Desperate Criminal.
WARDEN-Your wife's here to
" see ye.
Prisoner (desperately)-Tell
'er I'm out! .-r.,
The Washington times., 1922-10-29

Cooperation Required.
rUEST-Look here! How long
u must I wait for the half por-
ton of duck I ordered?
Waiter-Till somebody orders
the other half. We can't 60 out
and kill half duck.
The Washington times., 1922-10-29

Soup eatin' has got to be such
an art up at Miss Sophrony
Prune's boardin' house that they
eat with tunin' fork.
The Washington times., 1922-10-29

Now that the miners strike II
over here's hopin' that the coal
dealers make peace with the
maintenance Of weigh men.
The Washington times., 1922-10-29

A Tense Situation.
FORTUNE TELLER-You wish
- to know about your future
husband?
'Customer-No; I wish to know
about the past of my present hus-
hand for future use.
The Washington times., 1922-10-29

Rumor had It that Duke
Smiths wife was suin' him for
divorce. because she found q
strange hair net in his pockets,
but the Duke says It amt so,
that II was only . rabbit trap
that she found.
The Washington times., 1922-10-29

II Wendell q SONS are dust
IVI ing off the old wedding
march and getting It ready
The Washington times., 1922-10-29

Lives there . man with soul %
dead, =.
Who never TO himself has said,
This IL my own, not my, neigh
boris gland. Anon.
The Washington times., 1922-10-29

New Mark Needed.
JACK-I don't think I should
y get q zero on this examina-
ton.
Professor-Correct, but that's
the lowest mark I know Of.
The Washington times., 1922-10-29

Now that the girls have got the
amplifiers workin' on their skirts
it makes gittin' married more Of
q gamble again, say We.
The Washington times., 1922-10-29

Here and Hereafter.
uhGNES always finds something
n to harp on"
eyes; ! only hope she'll be as
fortunate in the next world"
Grand Forks herald. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1916-1955, 1922-01-25
TOBACCO GROWERS
PREPARE FOR THEIR
WAREHOUSE OPENING

Lexington. KY. Jan. 25.-Wlth the
initial financial needs OF the recently
organized Burley Tobacco Growers'
Cooperative association. oversub-
scr;bed by more than a million dol
lars. the officers and fifty thousand
members today are preparing forsthe
opening tomorrow Of the warehouses
here, when the tobacco pledged tosthe
association will go on sale for h hrst
time this season Unpledged q
been on the market for sometime and
has been bringing prices considerably
higher than those paid last asG
pledged to the association. according
toSan encouragement today ~ lame:
and individuals expected to increase
this amount. The initial requirement..
Of the association are estimated At
between $3,600,000 and ~$4.000.O0Q.
The Burley association conpristns
the Blue Grass region of central Ken
lucky and several counties in each
Ohio. Indiana and West Virginia, was
organized last summer and fall fol-
lowing the previous seasons disastrous
nriceR.
Grand Forks herald. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1916-1955, 1922-01-25
Women Who Make Up
Are All Dishonest,
- Declares Miss Booth

San Francisco. Cal. Jan. 25.--
Women who powder their noses, touch
w their hair with a bit Of golden
CLINT or add the bloom of youth to
their checks are positively dishonest,
Evangeline. Booth. NATIONAL ON
mander or the Salvation Army, de-
-clarcd while here recently.
Women use makeup to deceive.
Miss Booth said. "A woman has no
right to- fool the world she added.
''The woman with blazing checks.
eyes and carrcty hair is a
cheat
Many divorces are caused by the
fact that women have attempted to
deceive their husbands regarding their
appearance. she thinks. Man, she
added. wants women as nature I'M
tended they should be.
The enormous sale of cosmetics in
the United States is a disgrace to the
country, Miss Booth feels. "If our
young women Of today would only
take the money they use for paint
and powder and buy milk for the
poor, starving babies of The world,
| they wouldn't need any artifice TO
make themselves attractive she said.
"In their cheeks would be the hue OF
joy that comes from the heart and in
| their eyes the light that comes only
| from giving service to the world"
Miss Booth thinks moderation and
| utility should be the guide when it
comes to clothes. Following the style
of the Salvation Army, she says, skirts
should be five or six inches above the
ground.
TOO many women today destroy
| their true woman1iness by ;mmodest
| dressing and they have only them
selves to blame when their characters
are questioned" she asserted.
Grand Forks herald. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1916-1955, 1922-01-25
Road Builders Find
Helpful Suggestions
/. AT Chicago Meeting

Chicago. In.-Thousands Of high
way officials, road builders and IN
tractors from every corner . of the
United States and Canada took ad-
vantage of the reduced rates granted
by the railroads. to visit the Twelfth
the Nineteenth Annual Convention of
the American Road Builders associA-
ton which was held in connection
with the Thirteenth National Good
Road Show at the Coliseum. Chicago,
ILL.,. from January 16 to 20. The 1922
show easily surpassed in size n i'm
%portance any of the various interna-
Europe or in this country. and AZ q
result of the numerous exhibits many
new ideas were presented to the road
builders to assist them with their cur
rent construction programs.
A fascinating display was prepared
for the road men and every known
kind of machinery, appliances and
with highway construction vas shown.
Huge - concrete paving machines
capable Of turning out materials tor
a mile of 1S-foot concrete road in
eight days. were exhibited and the
great building resounded with the
noise of h motors. the lank of con-
crete o finishing machines and the
! dtI1C VI I1Re' SIducS dIIu uu1lIp YUM
cts. Nothing was left to the imakina-
ton as each machine was shown in
actual operation. while engineers ana
machinists were on hand to explain
the details of the equipment.
An interesting feature of the show,
and one that attracted a"great deal Of
attention. was the exhibit Of the Unit
ed States Bureau Of Public Roads, oc-
cupying ove 1000 square feet of floor
| space. In this exhibit were models OF
concrete roads and culverts, with
photographs. of Federal Aid roads, The
delicate testing machinery used to de-
termine the strength of various road
building materials was exhibited on q
large scale with, specimens of ma
! terials already tested to the breaking
! point. The road builders were given
! first-hand demonstrations of impact
tests and the various methods of sub
grade treatment were carefully ex-
i-Dlained.
Grand Forks herald. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1916-1955, 1922-01-25
0PPOSlTIONT TO
BONUS BILL IS
BEING STUDIED
Additional Taxation Neces.
sary to Make Payment,
Says Mellon.

washington. Jan. g5.-Consres-
Eonal leaders preparing to carry out
the NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS. plan to put
through a soldiers bonus. bill. were
a~nalyzfnE today the statement of the
treasury's easons for continued oppo-
sition to the bonus as transmitted in a
letter from Secretary Mellon to Chair
man Fordney OF the house ways and
means committee. Writing to Mr..
FordneY late yesterday In response to
a request for an-expression OF the de-
partment's views Secretary Mellon
declared that any attempt to provide
for q bonus through use of the prin-
cipal and interest of the foreign debt
to this country would be futile as
we'll as unwise," and that an attempt
to do sd through new government
borrowings would be dangerous in
the extreme"
If there is to be a bonus, however,
the secretary said it must be provid :
ed for through taxation. n through
taxation in addition to the taxes i'm
posed by existing law"
Estimates of government receipts
n expenses in the fiscal year 1922
and 1923. showed toward more
probable' deficit than a surplus he
said, and there had been allowance
for UGH additional expenditure as
would be involved in a soldiers bonus
for the first WI years. On the most
conservative estimates. he said. this
would probably be not less than
$3.50. zoe 900.
Grand Forks herald. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1916-1955, 1922-01-25
Followers
Speculate On
Coming Derby

Louisville, KY, Jan. 24.-Turt fol.
lowers already are specializing on the
probable entries and are measuring
the chances of those that already
have been named for the forty-eighth
annual renewal of the Kentucky derby
at Churchill Downs carly in May. Nor
vich, the unbeaten two -year.old, at
present, has the call. beeause of his
spectacular performances last year.
was mediocre. turf critics say, despite
the fact that several good performers
made their debut. Z
Reports from the east say that
Trainer F'rew Burlew is preparing the
son of Runnymeade Tor this greatest
of American races. Turf authorities
say Norwich stands out in the light
over his prospective opponents. and
that if he trains IN. they declare he
undoubtedly will be the favoritc in the
winter books.
to win the derby since the filly. Re-
greet, led all the way and won in 1915.
incidentally. she Is the only fiily that
ever wonlAhat classic.
the runner that are sure to have
o following if they are entered in the
derby next spring are Bunting. the
Futurity winner. and two good looking
fillies, Startle and Miss Joy. Stiff
others showed up well. especially at
the fag end of the seaso and seven
teen racers that won $4,000 or more
asst year are eligible.
Norwich, eleven races. $114.234:
Startle S. s43,725: Bunting. 3, $41.-
101; Miss Joy. 8. s3o,370; Fair Phan-
tom, s., $22.290; Jai-sand. i. $22.22S;
Surf Rider, 6, Sis. $50; Second
Thoughts. 6, S15,lSO; Column, 9, $14.-
500: Gentility. 3. $4,000: Little Chief.
5. s14,137; Budana, 5, %s14.100: Mis-
sionary, 4. $@t3,195; Jean Bowdre. Z,
s12.0So; Runntclle, 3. $t0,575; John
Finn. 3, $10,35o, and Prodigious, 5.
S10A17
Grand Forks herald. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1916-1955, 1922-01-25

tage OF tax it shall pay. In practice
the exemption enables the large in
come to escape taxation entirely. The
entire principal Of taxation in accord
ance with ability to pay is nulified.
Discrimination Shown.
1T discriminatcs between classes in
favor Of the rich, it creates distinction,
Al .aw conuArisons, it separates the
rich from the not SO fortunate and
tends to foster discomfort. 1t discrim-
mates against earned income and real
estate because to just the extent that
capital Is attracted into tax exempt Sc
curities, does the burden OF taxation
fall on capital active in business. pro-
fessional income and on real estate.
1T perpetuates high income tax
rates, for if the exemption were abol-
ished 81 that larger incomes bore
their just share Of the burden. the
entire scale could be reduced. 1t en-
municipal and government
extravangance because it permits
such agencies to ecu money at be-
low the going rate.
High Interest Rate.
ITO the same extent it impedes the
financing of private enterprises. To
a large investor a TAXABLE security
Grand Forks herald. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1916-1955, 1922-01-25
Teaching Missions
Replace Evangelists

Minneapolis, Mimi, Jan. as
Teaching missions to replace the well
known evangelists. who have made
names for themselves by their serm-
ons. have been adopted by the Metho-
dist church with success. it is an
OF Simpson Methodist church.
The new method was taken up by
the Methodist church's department Of
evangelism, under the board of homo
missions. which has headquarters in
Philadelphia, after it was said meet
ings similar to. those conducted by
BILLY" Sunday prominent evangelist,
began to lose favor in the public eye.
Initial success of the new move
n1ent was experienced in Minneapolis
where the teaching missions had their
frs: tryout under DR.. H. F. Rail Of
Garrett biblical institute, Evanston,
Ill.
= The teaching missions consist Of q
series of addresses for approximately
one week. on fundamentals OF Chris
tan beliefs. God. nature and other
Nine addresses are delivered in q
series. each taking up about, one hours
time. and then is followed by q re-
ligious clinic. when the congregation
may ask questions on religious mat
tiers, to be answered by the speaker.
In the afternoons during the period
Of the teaching missions, the director
in charge is available to all who wish
to be enlightened on any religious
subject.
According to Rev. Smith, a confer
ence will be held in Evanston the hrst
| week in February, when 16 represen-
ta+ive Methodist pastors and leaders
will be trained in the new work Later
thev will invade thirty metropolitan
cities of the country and continue the
work Of the teaching missions.
Continuation of the work in Min
neapolis will be carried on by Rev.
| Smith, he stated, under the same lines
as conducted by DR.. Rail.
Grand Forks herald. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1916-1955, 1922-01-25

must bear a high rate of interest to
make it attractive as against q tax ex-
empt security. Thus when a private
firm or corporation. a railway or a
public utility comes into the market
for new capital, it is met will, de-
mands for an interest rate often all
out of proportion to its ability to pay.
>To The extent that private entcr-
prise is thus l,ampered in obtaining
tho necessary capital there is a, tend
ency for more and more enterprises
to be driven into public ownership in
order to obtain a similar advantage.
The extension Of the principal to any
new line OF business eliminates private
competition, and tends to create gov
eminent monopoly.
The demand for tax exempt securi-
ties from wealthy investors so in
creases their price, as to put these
government obligations, the safest Of
all Investments. out OF the rench Of
the small investor and forces him into
less sound and nor speculative fields.
The high rate OF interest which private
enterprises has had to pay has re-
suited in. high cost of manufacture
and the large prices which 60 to make
up our present high cost Of living"
Grand Forks herald. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1916-1955, 1922-01-25
Foresees Increase
In Foreign Trade .
For The Russians

Moscow, Jan. 1.--(Mail .tThere is
of foreign trade in Russia, despite all
her handicaps, in the opinion Of
Adolph Tordy of Pittsburgh, Pa, who
came here with the American relief
administration as cashier.
There's no doubt hat the soviet
government will continue going to the.
right, as opposed to the red left, in
it's economic policy" said Mr.. Tordy.
$50 soon as Russia a get her trans
portation system righted so big
freights can be handled. many of her
present problems will correct them
selves. One of these would be the
famine. There's enough food in Rus
STA if its distribution can be affected.
Russia has no BEEF exploited.
She only needs to start to work. Secs
far richer than the western countries
Of Europe. Germany was far worse
Off than Russia. when the world war
ended. but she started to work, and
that is why she will get along. Despite
what may be said, Germany and Eng
land are doing business here, and will
do more.
Conducted BY Jews.
"Russ:a's finances are conducted by
the Jews, and this is q hopeful fact,
as they are excellent bankers. The
ne" 'ltuOiNi DdIk lsLS even CdkSu
back the old name of the Russian
Imperial Bank for it's daily exchange
quotations. and this little fact shows
how the tide sets.
New private banks are now al
lowed, and may be opened by those
countries which have recognized soviet
Russia. Those countries which have
not recognized soviet Russia will prob
ably open banks, temporarily, through
local agents. There's a lot of business
right now for foreign banks in the
way Of exchange and financing i'm
ports z:r Asa&z-s..
"pF Haskell Belitsky, whose father
and brothers conduct the Cosmopoli-
tar bank in st. Paul, Mimi, is now
here and trying to open a bank. He
has already a shoe and perfume
factory.
THAT. there are many hazards in
business At present, he found out
lately while On a trip to Tashkent,
.arkestan, for the purpose of getting
material for his factories. Bandits
held him up near Tashkent. robbed
him Of $4,000. 900 rubles and took
even his fur coat, so he had to come
back to Moscow through the cold
xr-i.ho,,; ,.avoo o1nfboc:
Grand Forks herald. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1916-1955, 1922-01-25

Having promised his bride that he
would quit baseball. Home Run
Bakers retirement from the game
looks like a sure thing this time.