Arizona republican., 1922-05-27
LARDNER WEEKLY LETTER
BY RING w. LARDNER


To the editor:
Vile have not made no secret of
the fact that they's liberal amt. of
children in this family still the reader
will half to admit that / been pretty
good about not Dragging about them.
telling their bright sayings and etc.
But it sometimes happens that l of
them will pull new idear which they
thought up all by themself and it is
generally always a idear which it
would be of benefit to mankind in
gen. if they knew about same and in
such cases feel like it is my duty to
make same public so as others can
profit by same as well as myself and
children.
Well the other day the boys come
home from school and Bill which is 6
yrs. of age made the announcement
that of his friends was comeing
over that r. NJ. to play.
Jack Cummings and Peter Smith
and Boody Fowler will be here" he
says, "and we are going to have a lot
of fun. But / had to do trick to get
them to come because they didn't
want to come"
So asked him what was the trick
Well" he says, i told them we
had a radio at the house"
So l said that was a fine idear but
what would the boys say when they
got here and found we didn't have no
more radio then a rabbit
WELL" he says. they will be here
then"
Geraldine Farrar is Here; Come
on Over"
So sure enough the 3 young visitors
arrived on the seen and Bill had TO
tell them we didn't have no radio and
one Of them says well then let us play
ball so they want ahead and played
ball and had a good time and only a
few blows struck.
Well friends it looks to me like the
trick was a stroke of genious on Bills
part and it is a trick which any and
all of US can pull off and will go a
long ways toward eliminating social
barriers and establishing more friend
lier relations between fanlilys in diff
ferent walks of life.
Like for inst. suppose we have got
neighbor named Holmes and they
are a little bit up stage and don't
want nothing TO do with us but we
are crazy to mingle with them. Well
we call them UP some night and ask
them over TO shoot craps or some
thing So Mrs Holmes says she is
sorry but they can't come on acct. Of
having arranged to go in town to a
show.
So then I say am sorry too be
cause Geraldine Farrar is going to be
here and she has promised to sing for
us. So then Mrs. Holmes says well if
you will allow me to change nay mind,
why maybe ! can get rid of our
theater tickets and we will be over
about II past 8.
So about a 4 past a big high
power Ford drives up to the door and
the Holmes step out and pretty near
kiss us. We set them down in the
parlor and stall around a vile and
pretty soon Mrs. Holmes asks what
time is Miss Farrar going to show up.
So then | tell her that | am terrible
sorry but Miss Farrar phoned about
20 minutes ago to say that she was
haveing a operation for mastoids and
would be laid UP for maybe mos.
so Beer AS Bait
BY this time it is too late for the
Holmes to go somewheres else and
you get them in game of craps or
pinochle and treat them friendly and
maybe tell them a couple stories and
they make up their mind that you
\
next time they will come over with
out no decoy.
Or say that they's a. family named
Bauer that has got the entry to Great
Neck society but they been acting like
you was the pest house and some
night you call them up and say you
wished they would come over as you
have just reed. couple bbls of per
cent beer.
So they come over and you leave
them setting around for or 8 hrs.
nurseing their thirst and then you ask
them would they like a drink and
they say yes and by that time they
are so dry that they will be tickled
to death when you slip them pitcher
of ice water.
If Mr.. Bauer is rude enough to re-
mind you of the beer you can tell him
that the kiddies broke in the ice box
and drunk it all up but you are en-
pecting another couple bbls. in wk
In this way you can have the
Bauers at your home once a wk
frothing at the mouth vile the rumoi
spreads around Great Neck that you
have been took UP by the Bauers.
But the pretty part of my Kid S
trick is that it works both ways. Like
| for inst. suppose you are called W
some night by the fuckers who ain
nothing Lang Island and YOU DON