davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington herald., 1922-11-26
BY DAMON RUNYON

by the patent office and lot Of people afterwards steal the
dea including these Omaha eggs.
Well they far from the finish, with the barber
still pretty well ahead and old mister barber stumble
and start fall Then all of sudden he lets terrible
YELL and keeps moving fast that he the finish
line before he knows it, and still going block ahead Of the
other guy.
Nobody figure what happens him. but the last
of him he hopping into the Arkansaw River OF he
wins the race but there is awful among the Omaha
boys At first they do wish pay their debts saying
that they swnded but somebody sticks gun Of his
pocket them and by and by other guns sticking
out so they figure it best not say much.
They decide that SOL the barber doubecrossed them and
they take after him drown him. but they able
to catch him. Then gets thinking and asks
grandpap whatever it he does the barber make
him keep running when he supposed to fall down and
and my grandpap says to them like this:
Why, he says, II get hold Of his capsules last night
and all do to empty the beef blood and fill it up with
plenty of tobasco When the bites into that
capsule he thinks he fire. and orgets stop running
and, my grandpap says II do not blame him a Bit"
The Washington herald., 1922-11-26
WORK ON THIS ONE.

The column printed this relation
tumble q long time ago. but
FLOSSY" requests its republica
ton. 20 that those fond OF worlxins
out intricate family relations may
have q chancs to use their bright
gray matter:
Years ago married q widow
who had q grown-up daughter.
My father visited ms often, fell In
love with my step-daughter, and
married her. Thus he became my
son-in-law, and my step-daughter
became my mother, because she
was my fathers wife. Soon after
this, my wife gave birth to .
son, which, Of course, was my
fathers brother-inlaw and my
uncle, for he was tie brosber q
my step-mother. My fatheg's
wife also became the mother of
q son. He was, Of course, my
brother, and also my grandclzild,
for he was the SON Of my dsugh-
ter. Accordingly my wife was
my grandmother, because she
was my mothers mother. I was
my wife's husband and grand
child at one and the same time,
and, as the husband Of o per-
sons grandmother d his grsnd-
father, I became my own grand
father"
The Washington herald., 1922-11-26
THANKS SEWING.

-osssas.- ..osss,sf- -osssas- M
u.ss:s ss.. 9: Hs..v. ne.
s... i:sr.s :sn - 3; s....s. - ..... ~.
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whses fssss wfss sse .ssafui O..
But,. then, thers are ethsss whs
NJ. As.'ss = ss, p - 2; -: - "a .,.
ssch fessts fsregs.
on. i Do 1--WE s.rhsv-s. sss-..Asss
And .es.s ,. seiis.sss vsss ss..
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rafher shy-
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Al = ~. -. sAs.Aa-s m -
kas esr.sa - - ssssse>. vAAsA
=. r. .ss.. s-.': .:ss;:s:... ass:. - g S.-~
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wAs q: = .:ss; 90; set s--. - 1 s..
Hs- q sh.. ses. h.pp-. . really %
n.ss; I! . :, :. ssfrs o. p~A,,' -.sh
san. i'I tsss .. .s.,yi.s. 81 s.ssh-
Fer TIE times Via brighten 90 turning
q the tide,
And then. weil, I'm betssss. s.a ssse
1oW what ~,
I'm have lsts si eurkey - neut
1A.'l-fsx.lsf Exsfbcs' ~ i.rx.sr...
The Washington herald., 1922-11-26

grahdpap thousand bucks and they put thou
sand bucks and the thing is
They send to Omaha for their foot and meantime
grandpap around citizens and tells them
barber o. they know the barber will not
w but they have great confidence in grandpap they
do as he says.
Well the day Of the there is much excitement and
plenty of betting, citizens covering all the dough the
Omaha sports wish put up The barber in the pink of
condition and the Omaha guy far anybody knows
but barber tells my gandpap that he has the Omaha guy
all fixed nice.
So they get their marks and somebody shoots gun
and away they ckety split Of the barber
'front.' but of he supposed front long
The idea that the finish he is supposed fall flat with
the old blood pouring of his mouth, he bursts
blood vessel such and that the Omaha guy will
and win.
The barber is carrying little capsul full Of beef blood
in his mouth and the thing for him do to bite into the
beef capsule he falls What makes everybody in town
indignant that Of citizens nvents this
se racket and tries get patented but is turned down
The Washington herald., 1922-11-26
By GEORGE AIDE

hood Associates were getting
ready to place a Memorial Tab
let to mark the Spot at which
he had first seen the Light Of
Day.
WAS DRY GETTING BY!
He wondered what had become
of Dry. his rusty little Playmate
of long ago. Probably he was
INDUCING in Manual Labor and
getting one-Fifty a Day. He
decided to go back and hunt up
Dry and treat him as an Equal
and give him an Imported Cigar.
Bills Chariot Of Fire went
tearing over the improved Roads
of his Native State. defyins Con-
stables and killing Chickens
After travelling a Long Dis
tance and failing to pick up any
familiar Landmarks, he found
himself in the congested Thor
oughfare Of a Populous Town
with Boulevard Lamps, Traffic
Policemen. Movies. Eskimo Pie
and all the other By-Products Of
Advancing Civilization.
He stopped in front Of the First
National Bank 70 mako Inquiry
The Washington herald., 1922-11-26

Readihsi Father thought not,
Should he prostitute his Tai
ents by working in a bankf The
Town Banker advised him not
One day an inspiration cana
to him, Why not move up to
the big City and make-ns For
tune and carry a goid-headed
Cane3
He was undefiled and incor-
ruptible and, as nearly as he
could learn an absolutely honest
Young man who would find very
little Competition in any Large
= Town. :..
. So he migrated to an important
Settlement which had Cable Cars
and C.gar Store Indians and
all the other Adjuncts Of metro
politan Gayety.
He settled down in a Hall
Bedroom which had originally
been planned as a closet. By
studying the Want Ads he
learned that there was a General
demand for Swedes who could
feed a Furnace and look after
the Lawn.
After a week he abandoned his
original intentions Of becoming
The Washington herald., 1922-11-26

Then day the barber foot looks up my grand
pap, and he says to grandpap like this:
"Now, he says, "these Omaha guys talking about
fellow back in Omaha that they think great foot
know this fellow wel the barber says and here the
way will make plenty of dough for ourselves.
HE beat easy, all right the barber says "but
got him right my vest pocket He will do anything say
and will fix it for him to lose to These Omaha sports
know he beat but they do know fix him
to beat We will take these eggs just like Grant takes
Richmond if you will put up the dough-
WE'LL of my Grandpap Mugg tells the barber is
wonderful plan, although he knows we'll anybody
else that the barber will beat the Omaha guy
under any circumstances My Grandpap knows that the
barber will lose and that the Omaha boys will ta2 away
dough that bet the for that is the idea of the
proposition in the beginning.
But anyway grandpap hunts these Omaha sports after
listening the barber, and he says them like this:
Gents he II hear you boys got pretty good foot
Well, got foot myself and if everything
Jake will match him against your man."
Naturally the Omaha sports tckled silly and my
The Washington herald., 1922-11-26

He was married In q Church
the night after the Bachelor Din
ner and some of his Friends who
were present told him all about
it later on.
Now we find him really Ar
rived. He could cash a Check
without being Measured and
Photographed.
After he began to do well in
the City, much to, the Surprise
Of all the Neighbors back in the
Clump of Naples. he was claimed
as one Of our Boys and received
many Letters in regard to Com
ing Across for the New Camp
bellite Church. the Community
Building. &C. &c.
Relatives coming up to the City
on cheap Excursions hunted him
up and boarded with him and
then went back and reported
that his Wife was Extravagant.
As he became more and more
important. he felt q Yearn to go
back to the birthplace and give
the Caclkle to some Of the
Paleozoic Fossils who had pre-
dicted that he would wind up in
the Poor House.
BIN imaginsd that his Child
The Washington herald., 1922-11-26

= OF q portiy Gentleman In Tailor.
Made Clothes whose Lodge nm-
blem must have weighed close to
a Pound.
This is the Town you are
seeking" replied Dry. who was
Mayor. President Of the Bank
and Chairman Of the Greens
Committee,
After Our Hero recovered oon-
sciousness. Dry told him that n
he had stuck around Home IN
stead Of going TO the City. prob.
ably he would hsve made Some
thing cut Of Himself.
The local Paper took Cog
nizance Of the Wanderers Re
turn In the following language:
William Tucker. a former Resi-
dent. Sundayed here rs the
Guest Of our genial and popular
Fellow-Townsman, Colonel Hig-
gins"
Was Dry q Colonelf
Wen say he was He had
been on the Governors Staff for
Four Years.
MORAL: You can't keep .
Squirrel on the Ground.
ScepgrasAt Iss1 ~ essrss Aas-,
The Washington herald., 1922-11-26
GRANDPAP AND THE FOOT-RACERS

~ NE time foot by the of Sol something
other my old home town out west, and gets
job for himself in the o. K barber shop shaving
citizens.
He does not let it for while that he is foot racer
but he finally mentions to several parties and then there
is great Indignation in community.
There great indignation because citizens feel that
somebody trying to insult little city Naturally
body in knows the barber plant They know that
he is planted in for certain purpose and that
pretty boys will be along with propositions.
They know this because foot racing invented in town.
and aside before of date and cii
feel that the planting of this fooracer shows that
body thinks they lot of neck yokes
They do not let the barber know they onto him. but
there talk of taking him and hanging him
whereas just lesson and the chances will be done
if is not for grandpap My grandpap tells the citizens
not to do anything rash but wait and what off,
WE'LL enough it is not long before the boys happen
In, and they boys from out of Omaha Neb and they
with plenty of dough. They around good
timing and ALL and saying they cattemn thinking
that nobody figures their real angle.
The Washington herald., 1922-11-26

better give him the Higher Edu.
cation.
He was meant for . lawyer.
unless 1t should develop that
he had weak lungs, In which
case he was to be q Preacher.
Soon after passing the Portals
he" acquired q frat Pin. a short
Cutaway Coat and a pack of
Sweet Caps and learned to carry
the Basso part in My Bonnie
Lies Over the Ocean,"
He took a Leading Part in all
Student activities involving Lar
ceny, Mayhem and Disturbance
of the Peace, thereby lay ng
Broad and Strong the Founda-
ton Of his future usefulness as
Member of the Citizens Purity
League.
His mastery Grafton on the
impending Conflict between Capt.:
tai and Labor Is still being used.
About a week after paying
Five Dollars for his Sheepskin
the Commencement flowers had
withered and he found himself
Face to Face with the great
World.
Should he settle down at home
and Undertake Q Course Of Light
The Washington herald., 1922-11-26

would come along with one Els-
phant and 'thirty-eight yshen-work.
ers.
There sprang up a vast Friend
ship between Our Hero and an
other Son of the Soil known as
Dry. All through the golden
Hours of the Summertime he
and Dry played Two-Old-Cat and
when the somber Pail of Dark
ness settled on the Earth his
only Problem was how to get to
Bed without holding his Feet
under the Pump.
If tired of Childish Play he
would slip off to the Haymow'
and study the works of Beadle.
REFUSED TO WORK.
He attended Sunday school just
before Christmas.
Bill often confided to Orby his
Plans for the Future. He wanted
to grow up and have a full SET
of whiskers and be elected to
Congress.
About the time that Bill be-
gan to arrange to hsve his own
Cup at the Barber Shop, his par
ents decided that, inasmuch as
he refused to Work, they had
The Washington herald., 1922-11-26

General Manager of the q. g,
Steel Company and started In ~
third assistant Slave in a two
acre effics,
Even a peer Boy from the
Country who keeps his Hands
and Face clean and his Cuffs
trimmed and who is Foxy enough
te get acquainted with the Fe-
male Relatives Of his Employer,
will sooner or later land In Di.
vision Number One and wear
Bells.
Bill never quarreled with his
Meal Ticket or hid his Light un-
der a Bushel and In due time
he began to take Lunch with the
Big Squash who sat in the Ma
'hogany Office.
RELATIVES BOARD WITH HIM.
He moved into a European
Hotel that had a Carte du Jour
and q Band Of Female Tommy
hawkers who sat around in
Rocking Chairs all day adding up
what they knew about the Mar
ried Men.
Bill picked out one of the
incest Girls who ever sat through
a Symphony Concert and began
to Hound her. --
The Washington herald., 1922-11-26
HEARD AND SEEN :. FOR Everybody : By [
THE FAITHFUL FEW.

tBy JAMES MccHEsNeY PRrCKErT.I
Let's drink to the health Of the faith.
who serve without 1iseord.
And shoulder the work Of thsir ssalsw.
men,
Nss s.psss .s-sssss ssvasa.
ITS the faithful few In the ksuntsrsf
The desk. the store. OF. bank
Who battle ON while the lax ones tire.
rank.
There are faithful ones In the shurch.
The city or village green,
Who attend each Sabbath. rain OF
Living their faith between.
The most faithful one Of an Of these
,Tis . mother With ailvery hair,
Whs sits and sews By the midnigAt
Tn. :%S :sosSs,.s. to s.r. with care.
Through storm and stress the fAithful
They Keep life,s boat s-.ei.
They weave and spin while the iAg,
They are there ~hss the weakiinss
There are thsss whs shirk en- the road
Learn s .ss from tn. year. hard
, And those who travel tie ssa worn
But fss them u. til. golden rule.
The Washington herald., 1922-11-26

~ nee there was a City Man
with Past Those who saw
him eating Terrapin at four
dollars per Throw little suspected
that he had been at one time an
obscure Unit in a Town never
mentioned except by the Time Ia
BILE.
Truly 1t Is not the Getaway that
counts II you are going strong
1T the Wire.
Our Hero was known to his
Grandmother as William Henry
Harrison Tucker His outlaw AS
sociates who made existence a
Living He'll for the Town Mar
shal called him BILL" The teach
er called him about three times
q Day.
Bill was born in a Hamlet which
was bounded on the North by a
patch Of Jack Oaks, on the East
by a Frog Preserve. on the South
by a wide stretch of Open Coun-
try, and on the West by a Vir-
gin Wilderness. The principal
Industry of the place was knit
ing he Regular Candidates.
Th- early years of Bilrs career
wer- crowded with Experiences.
Almost every summeS q Circus
The Washington herald., 1922-11-26
FASHION NOTE
Az another Sign
OF the changing ssssssse
EArs n ouf
A'' ''s' kssAxsAs Z K rorr.
SWEDISH-AMERfcAN.

Hello. olaaf. where you ban 20
long?" -.
Il ban got married"
That's good"
Not so good, my wife's got two
children"
That's bad"
MOT 30 bad. she got $4,000"
That's good"
me the money"
That's bad"
Mot so bad. She built q house."
That's good"
Mot SO good. the house burned
down"
That's bad"
"Not so bad. my wife burned up
in the house"
JOHANSEN.
The Washington herald., 1922-11-26
THE NATURAL WAY.

A Southerner. at Q recent ban.
Duet in Washington, related this
A philanthropic Southerner
heard that q negro family In the
. vicinity was. In destitute circum-
stances. He called and found the
report to be true. The family
consisted Of a mother. d fifteen.
year-old son and three small ,chfl-
dren.
Here, my son." he said to the
oldest boy, take this money ($3)
and buy turkey for your Christ
mas dinner"
No sooner had he gone than the
mother said, in a stern voice:
Here, JaclGon, gimme dat money
and yo' 90 and GIT dat turkey In
de natural way"
VIRGINIA ED.
The Washington herald., 1922-11-26
THE MEAN OLD THING.

A sweet young thing was relat-
ing her experience Of q recent
visit to Sherwood Forest: T
was walking across the golf
course and . little white ball
came rolling across the grass.
IL stopped at my feet. I picked
II up and threw Il back to Q man
who was coming across the links.
He came on up and asked me
where ] got that ball. and when ]
showed him he put Il right down
on the ground and took o stick
and knocked ii away"
GOLFER.
The Washington herald., 1922-11-26
ONE CASE WHERE THE
KNOCKERS GOT THEIRS.
Trom Upton. NO.. rimesJ

You remember that Noah had to
work q long time on the ark. It
was uphill business, too. at best,
to go on toiiing and sweating day
a boat away out on dry land while
the local anvil and hammer COM
mittee sat around splitting tooIcco,
Juice On his lumber, whiting up
bis pine boards with their jack.
knives and telling him what q fooi
he was to expect a big rain In z,
alfalfa. But he kept at 1t. Finally
the flood came and every mothers
son Of the croakers was drowned
This Is the only instance we know
OF in, either sacred or profane his
tory where q bunch Of knockers
got exactly what was coming to
them.
The Washington herald., 1922-11-26
SW0rS THISa

Dear nm: am fully convinced
that rummage sales do not exist
amongs the females Of interior
Africa o. the South Sea isIands,
but ] % wonder what the ladies'
q those sections = do to amuse
themselves socially, or how they
manage 70 get rid Of the few
things they are tired Of.
Among M, Of course, the ladies
always contribute thhgS they do
not wxnt to the rummAge sales,
but, as understand it, the African
and SouA Sea Island ladies have
no. hing to cast off unless Il IL
their nose rings.
Oklahoma PETE.
"A radical" Says one colussx
ist, "is a chap ,Dho hasn't fared
Vsu at the feed troseph."
The Washington herald., 1922-11-26
UNCLE ZEKE.
A CLOSED CORPORATION.

In . certain English parish the
church collection. after being
counted, was placed in q box,
which was consigned to the care
Of the minister, who hid it, with
the key. In a place known only to
Henry" he declared gravely,
ssomeone has been taking the
church money from the box and
you know no one has access to it
but you and myself"
"Well," replied the sexton calmly,
sh that's the case. it's up to you
and me TO make 1t up between
ourselves and say nothin' to no
body"
The Washington herald., 1922-11-26
THE RICHEST MAN.

Dear Bu: The Wall Street
Journal says that Henry Ford
Is the richest man iA the ,Uorld.
ROGER BABSON, s0eu kxo,cm a,
Washington, says that Secretary
MELLON, of the r, easxry, has
an income equal to the incomes Of
both Ford and John ID. Rookie
feller, sCho ss rated by Others as
the richest.
I Just call this to the attention
Of your readers, some of ,chom
may s0ant to be listed soith the
three named. At present, I have
just 10 cents to last me xnti the
aert pay day. JOHN X.
The Washington herald., 1922-11-26
THANKSGIVING THOUGHTS

prayer,
Wherein to give aims or display
your gratitude.
On your solnx forth. here and there,
Remember the waiting needy multi
BE q helper to some onsf every day.
Cheer the friends whom you may
meet.
Ever have chosen words. kindly 10
say.
II will another's life make sweet.
Try always. radiant smiles to wear.
To many that may be . source Of
Endeavor to ease some earkinx care,
N0uxht worth more could your time
employ.
II. SMITH.
The Washington herald., 1922-11-26

Teacher~Johnny. spell length" |"
Johnny-L-e-n-t-h
Teacher-Why. Johnny, don't
you know there's q silent ''g" In
that word?
Johnny-That's why I left It out.
BRIDGEPORT.
The Washington herald., 1922-11-26

It toas q rainy day ,phen the
er-Kaiser married, but re-
ports are that he had sense
enough to lay up for a rainy
day By sending most of his
money to this country for
safekeeping.
KEY.
The Washington herald., 1922-11-26

=. ~What this country needs" !"
:said Ezra Pipp, IN q lucid mo-
:&snt after looking ouer the list
:of books published during the
::ysor, "is severe shortage of
:pGper pulp"
!: PAUL WHITE.
The Washington herald., 1922-11-26
The FAITHFUL WATCHMAN.

He's little and he's old today;
his hair 10 growing pretty gray;
he's net - full o. youth and pep,
nor has he much elrs.ic step;
He stands beside an outer door.
observing clerks and folks on tour;
he hoIlers Captain" now and then,
and turns to look at folks again.
How many faces he has seen
with those old eyes still strong
and keen; how many men. how
many maids. how many passing
street parndes; .
How many rood, how many bad.
how many s0rrowful and sad; how
many. but. each little while. some
body to give him n smile. L
He's stood there 50 for many
days. deserving Of q lot Of praise;
bad days and good. It's been the
same; he sticks around and plays
the game.
Who knows what he .nisht like
- BE. II he werp able to be free,
where he mixht like some day to
g. u a.eams were true and tales
We eansst get inside his mind,
~ we can smile and just be kind;
nlip him . cigar as we pass; tell
hin we utsh Il were . glass;
And when We missl his face, one
~. we ear be Kfad he's gone
a.ay. precedinr N to that dim
c!1Re where al may have o better
GENE BLOSSOM.
The Washington herald., 1922-11-26

The felloD tDho marries the
MODERN flapper type girl ioiu
never have his life made ntiser-
sble tUith spring and faH house
eleanfngs.
UNCLE ZEKE.
The Washington herald., 1922-11-26

ADVICE IN RHYME.
SaVe all your pepniss,
Then first pay your board,
And later on you CON bug
A little Lizzie Ford.
MINNIE S.
The Washington herald., 1922-11-26

The Society for the Prepsn-
tion of Cruelty to Animals is on
record as opposed to steer
throwing contests by Western
cotoboys, but here in the East
people are thro,Oing the bull
every minute.
ARIZONA IKE.
The Washington herald., 1922-11-26

Pss al jes' akeep'n' quiet.
Bin ah reAd'n' prose an rimes
Dat is printed ebry evenln'
In De Star. de News. an Times.
De News dey habe dere folkes' page,
But, 90 long chile. dey amt nowhar
VII Heard and Seen fo' laughs.
You see dey all II folierin' MS;
l at sho's we,s In de lead,
An Heard and Seen will Always be
De beseus paper ives can read.
I chaaes ter de OF news stan
Each day bout haf pas three,
An shouts: "Jes' Civ me Heard
and Seen.
Fs' dat's guide enuff TO- me.
PANSY BUSH.
The Washington herald., 1922-11-26
POOR Old DADDY!

When Junior got home from
school at noon, mother regretfully
impaired to him the information
that Paddy (his pet dog) had been
run over by an Automobile and
killed. Junior showed little oon.
cern, but at bedtime he began
crying for Paddy.
Il want Paddy! / want Paddy. /"
he walled.
But. darling. I told you That
Paddy died this morning"
'Oh! mother! exclaimed Junior,
II thought you said daddy"
THOMAS.
The Washington herald., 1922-11-26
A RESoURCEFUL CAPTAIN

what would ysa do" asked Colonel
Penn.
Addreasins Captain wyune,
III ever . stream you marched yeur
And all q them fell INF"
"A thing Ike that" ssid caVtsin
"Weuid never cause O reut,
I would stsrniy cry. .Rsll sut!"
VIRGINIA ED.
The Washington herald., 1922-11-26

BIN Biff ID q patient man,
And % that III swear,
For when he has q tire blow sut
OKLAHOMA PETE.
The Washington herald., 1922-11-26

There IL no humor In the fact
that prohibition has come to stay.
A man must have a very hard
heart to laugh at people dying OF
thirst. Cease to laugh. say We.
O. HOWE WISE.
Imperial Valley press., 1922-07-25
CalexicO News

CALEXICO, July 25.-Sidney Me-
Harg returned last evening after a
week spent at La Jolla with his family.
Mrs. McHarg has recovered from her
recent illness, which for while
threatened to be serious.
Mr.. and Mrs, William P. Grieves left
this morning for INLAND to connect with
the east bound train on their way TO
the city of Mexico. They expect 20 be
gone. three or four weeks.
Mrs. II. w. Going returned from IA
Jolla yesterday for short visit.
Returns from the straw vote taken
by city trustees to determine attitude
of TAXPAYERS regarding inclusion of tne
city of Calexico in the road district
shows q decided opposition to it.
Mrs. X. B. Corcoran who has been
visiting friends on the Russian river
north of San Francisco vii return to
Los Angeles next week.
The Rotary club held the weekly
luncheon today at the chamber of COM
merce dining room.
Chas. Downing returned to Calexico
lodge last evening with his family, who
came to CaleXico to do some shopping.
J. 0. Butts, cashier of the Central
bank, who is passing his vacation in the
Lagunas, was in town yesterday.
The cotton market suffered furth
er decline this morning but recovered
all of its losses before close.
Local operators do not look for any
sustained decline owing to the fact