American Falls press. [volume] (American Falls, Idaho) 1907-1937, 1922-01-13
Editor Wins Big
Contest In Hades

contest, as stated by the Devil him
self, was to enable him to ascertain
who among his evil cohorts was best
fitted to occupy the next highest Of
flee in the realm of Hell
The contestants were given a term
of years in which to perform the most
~diabolical deed each could devise, OBJ
tain authenticated proof of its actual
performance and to present all evil
dence at a public meeting held for that
purpose. Under his seal the Devil
obligated himself to reward the one
winning the contest by making that
one his Deputy, give him power to
reign with absolute authority dur
ing the DEVILS indisposition or abb
sence on vacation and to present him
with a scepter second only in fear
fulness to that of the Devil himself.
At the appointed time the cohorts Of
He'll assembled in solemn conclave
and each n in the audience was in
breathless expectation to learn what
the Devil (who had announced pre-
viously that he was to be the sole
judge in the contest) would consider
the most diabolical deed.
Armed with documentary evidence,
in some instances filling to overflow
ing a lawyers brief case, each con-
testant assembled on the platform and
a smile of self-satisfaction ov~erspread
the countenance of the one who, at
the call of the Archdemon, walked to a
position in front of the Throne and
recited his eyil valor and misdeeds.
Without going into the details of
what was a most sordid recital of
murder, Iapine, crooked dealing,
shame, degradation, dishonor and
crime, it will suffice to tell of the last
to present himself for the coveted
honor.
When the name of "Old Trusted
Subscriber was called by the Arch
demon a somewhat unfamiliar figure
stepped to the front of the stage and,
saluting his; Majesty, began his recital.
There was little about his appearance
to justify an onlooker in supposing
that he belonged in that motley gang
of evildoers, nor did he carry much
evidence of his wrongdOing. In fact,
with the exception of a few letters AMI
cards which he held conspicuously,
one could not discern that he was a
candidate for the honor offered by the.
Devil.
Given permission to speak, Old
Trusted Subscriber related that he
had subscribed foE the local news
paper a number of years ago. "At
first, said he, II paid In advance each
year. Then l found out that the Ed.
itor was a pleasant sort of person,
trUstfut and Woodworking. and not dis
posed to press those, who were in
debted to him; SO l began to let my
subscription lapse. Every now and
| again there appeared a natice in the
paper to pay UP, with a mild threat
that back accounts would be placed in
the hands of a lawyer for collection.
AS a sort of sop / went to the office
and. paid for a year on my inaebted-
ness, but never paid up in full. not
to mention paying in advance. Then
/ made inquiry and foand that those
who did not scare at the threat to
take legal action were not moIested
or n Of my children got married, I
settle, either.
I'm the meantime. l got all the per-
sonal mention and publicity / wanted.
Whenever we gave a party or had
friends visiting at our house the Ed
itor always published a note of il.
Whenever death came into the family,
or on of my childrn got marid, /
always wrote out a long account in
which l praised myself as being a rep
sentative citizen of the community
and the Editor always published 1t In
full. Whenever one Of my boys or
girls went off to school the Editor
mentioned it; when they got high
marks or won distinction the Editor
printed an account of it and / figure
that ] got twice the value of the sub
scription price each year; but year
by year, / got further and further
behind with my payments.
Then / moved away from town,
but as / wanted to know Of the doings
In my old town, and knowing full well
that the home paper would chronicle
all of these doings, as well as publish
anything l might send in from my
new home SO that my friends might
hear from me without the trouble of
writing to them, / ordered the paper
sent to my new address. The Editor
fell" for this imposition and even
wrote out, without any suggestion from
me, a eulogistic item about my value
to the community and the loss the
community would feel at my going. But
this did not induce me to pay up be-
fore leaving.
When my paper was five years in
arrears / received a bill from the
Editor but paid no attention to 1t.
Here Is the first, second, third and
fourth bill / received. Here, also, Is
a notice from a lawyer and another
from a collection agency, asking me
to pay what / Justly w the paper.
Here, too, is evidence to the effect
that l ordered my Postmaster to send
notices at three different times, adj
vising the Editor that / refused the
paper; and here"
Enough. Enough" cried his Maj
esty, not a little elated at the grue-
some recital. This is the most dia-
bolicaa deed that ever mortal could
perform!
Vest this Demon with the robe of
office; elevate him TO a place on the
Throne second only to mine, place in
his hand the scepter of authority!
Bow the knee to the Deputy Deyili'