The Washington times., 1922-06-26
ADVENTURES OF A
FLIRTATIOUS CAKE-EATER
"a little H and s drama, BY
..-.. MERCURY.

"MERCUhf ,
It n not established whether MT.
Osmond Van F0rsan had naturally
wayy hair or had seen the nd,
Permanent Hair-Wave, guaranteed
for ak days"-and II is Of no particu-
that he walked with his hat In hand.
and when In bathing always wore Q
waterproof rubber cap.
Mr.. Osmond Van Forsan Ut sounds
high brow and flat chested, doesnt
itH had Just invested two-thirds OF
his weekly wage In % . Yellow. pearl pearl
duced TO S1o," and was now allowing
adoring feminine eyes 70 follow his
mincinR step as he sauntered down
"F" street. So with basket-weaye
wooden cigarette holder sr~cefrIiy
describing half circles held In his
other, he threw seemingly careless.
man-about-town Elances at gayy
dressed, charming ladies'; searching
for the look Of pop-eyed alteration ne
felt his due.
Now and then Q frown ruined the
classic smoothnsss Of his brow: ne
his landlady-the straight. merciies.
lips-Brr! Oh, why had he not paid
herf Osmond entered "Dikemans
Thirst Emporium" to drown his
thoughts In drinks furthermore, u
only cost five cents for real
ing his classical features and pea
cock feathers In the mirrow, vision
appeared, gave our hero o careless
glance and Ieisurely strolied on. But
our Osmond thought otherwise. He
had seen Glove. alteration, lam
thipe-if-you- want me-" In that cssaai
Of his yellow drink. he cIamped hat
on noble dome, forgetting for the
once his wavy locks. and proceeded
One bioeE"i.o block.-oh. h.
thought so. the lovely vision entered
the kiaitc and Of ,,, course meant , Tor
his remaining nickles. he wended his
way into the cool. slowly darkeninE
theater. He spied her, sitting alone,
aloft. In the last row Of seats. ko-
mancei- Adyenture!-all for him!
Gracefully he seated himself, care
fully pulling up his trousers to pre-
serve the crease at the knee. so far
so Eood-and now how should he
address herf No, he would not
speak, IL would spoil the glorious
communion between their thoughts.
(Ohi How sweet was love-the soft
lights. the beautiful music0 He
wondered whether she had the price
I0F - CHOW ~ -
least q hot dog. slowly he raised
his elbow and placed 10. alongside Of
her beautifully nodded arm. And now
he would press gently, very GENTLY
sort Of really getting In touch. Os-
mond did not believe In Platonic
Friendship; he always desired 70
touch his visions and then tneal
EentIy-and then--Oh! Death where
r. thy sting! The vision arose and
spoke clearly. "sir, u you wish this
seat YOU may have it." An usher APP
peared, Diamond sr0se. Love had
flown. He wanted air-not love.
The usher gave him the air.
Osmond resolved that hereafter he
would be q hermit. Women! Bah!
He hated women, In the meantime
he would visit the beach, and from
the distance view the bathing beau
ties: furthermore, he hadn't enough
nIckles to hire q bathing suit. And
so from 9 distance (of ten feeo
siances) At each adorable Eve. say
Ing to himself. "Yes, she is fair. but
no heart, no heart" Yet he hanker-
ed 10 be amongst the bathing crowd.
He kicked himself for q spendthrift;
II he had not bought ciEsrettes; II
and thus dwelling on his finances
his thou<hts turned to the Grim
looked at his "P.B." with distaste.
Between eating and dressing. he pre-
ferred eating. But. like oil cake
caters he realized only too late that
he couldn't eat cake and have II
too.
standing there, ruminatinG over
his sad lot and the cruelty OF maids
In general. our Osmond did not notice
the fast gathering cloudsi and when
the storm broke-a passing shower
received . full share Of the down
pour. His shoes were sodden, these
he removed; his permanent wave
was an ebb tide, and his trousers.
alas! were drawn up to his knees,
while the sleeves Of his coat-there
weren't any sleeves. To casual
observer. his "P. B." was q close
fitting, peari-covered bathing suit.
In one short hour he had lost his all,
his faith In romance. and what wteks
more Important. his cash.
The shower had passd. . group Of
men passed by. paused before our
and then. pattinE him on the
shoulder, presented Osmond with q
silver loving cup, 800 In cash, and
O free pass to the bath house, for
the most f>becoming and original crea-
tion Of q male bathing suit. FOR our
hero had unl<nowingly visited the
Basin on the day Of the "Male Bath
ing Suit Contest,;" and the funny
part Of Il all h, twas the pearl
buttons that decided the Judges.
Osmond paid his landlady, bought
another suit, and had his permanent
wave" restored.
MORAL. Remember that though
q cake-eater may lose his cake. he