davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1922-04-13
THE VAIL OF A BOOB
By s. E. KIsER.

A LAS, cannot live my life
n AS Binks and Tucker think / should;
failed, when picking out my wife,
To make them think my judgment good.
Skaggs doesn't like my car, and Peck
Declares I'm wrong in politics;
Because l lack his faith, by Heck
Pm lost, says Obadiah Hicks.
r HAVE beliefs that don't mesh IN
L With those possessed by jerks and Squibb
They wish to rescue me from sin,
And pass along advice ad lib.
/ don't believe the clothes / wear
Are liked by Tompkins or Magee;
/ seldom find men anywhere
Who want to hear what's said by me.
MY habits do not seem to make
Nl A hit with Porter OF with Cobb;
1t matters not what course take,
| find my critics on the job.
Jones thinks my doctor is a quack;
My dentist is a fraud, says Strong;
| wonder what it is l lack?
Why is it that I'm always wrong!
TIVE tried to be decent chap;
i / work for every cent get,
/ never try to start scrap,
Nor fail to pay an honest debt;
ask no favors, and give
NV help to causes that are good,
But STILL it seems, l cannot live
My life as others think l should.
DEFoRMERS bob up every day,
II Demanding laws to spoil my fun,
And steadily they take away
My privileges, one by one.
A man may still select his wife,
But they will stop that, soon or late,
And each will have to live his life
AS wrinkled censors designate.
The Washington times., 1922-04-13
Education
Counts
~ HE National Catholic Welfare
Council says that with an


Council says that with an
elementary education your
chance of success is / in Al, $50,
With high school education it is
/ in 1908. With college edu
cation it is / in 173.
1t all depends on what you call
success and how you calculate it.
The man that goes to college
usually has father or mother
able to send him there. The
same father or mother is able to
start him in business, and there
may be more or less of his success
in the ancestral pocketbook than
in the mind of the young man.
However, whatever the facts,
and whatever the statistics, don't
overlook the magic word "hered-
ity."
This writer knows a young man
that went through college and
has since succeeded. While he
was in college his mother earned
the money to support him by
writing for Appleton's Encyclo-
paedia. The success that the
young man achieved may have
been due two or three per cent
to the college education. Ninety
seven per cent was due TO HIS
MOTHERS BRAIN, which he
inherited.
If man has it in him and if he
can read and write and especially
if he will READ, instead of gos-
siping, he need not fear the COM
petition of any college man. Lloyd
George didn't go to college,
Thomas Edison didn't go to col
lege, Benjamin Franklin didn't
go to college. But they all USED
THEIR BRAINS, and Lloyd
George runs the world just at
present.
The Washington times., 1922-04-13
A BABY TAPIR.

Maylayan tapir born recently in London
ZOO" is attracting attention, partly by reason
of it's being the first recorded birth of these
animals in captivity, but mainly for the re-
markable instance of protective coloration which
1t exhibits. 1t is strongly striped and spotted
with white on black backgrounds feature
making II extremely invisible in the broken
lights and shadows OF its natural habitat the
Jungle. The mother, the other hand, Is
totally different in her markings, She is Jet
black over the entire body with the exception
Of a broad white patch extending over her back
and launches to her belly. The explanation OF
the change in markings which takes place as
the tapir gets older is found in its change OF
habits When the animal grows II leaves the
recesses of the jungle and frequents shallow
streams or dried river courses where boulders
are plentiful. This adaptive change OF striped
safely concealed in its new surroundings.
The Washington times., 1922-04-13
Meeting British
Propaganda

rTEPHEN LEACOCK, the
~ Mark Twain of Canada, sug-
- gests in Harper's that we re-
taliate for England's lecture-tour
invasion by sending our Chau-
tauquan cohorts back at her.
And why mott
Repel the. onslaught of their
biggest war correspondent with
our biggest, Irwin Cobb. Let his
gas attack teach them what we
suffered from Gibbs, Repington
and all the others, who told us
how England saved civilization.
Twins initial remarks are to be
on the following initials: A. e. f.,
Interpreted After England Failed.
Then, if they still show fight,
and drop Sir Oliver Lodge from
an airplane to instruct us in con-
verse with forbidden spirits, toss
our Prohibition Director over to
them-a man who has forgotten
more on that subject than Sir
Oliver ever knew.
Yes, sir, it should be done. Mr.
Leacock should be hired to or
ganize the counter-invasion, and
we should export an American
propagoose to offset every British
propaganda.
The Washington times., 1922-04-13
BEAUTY is FOR ALL
BY ANGELA MORGAN.

VXTHY should you curl the lip and say:
" "My neighbor's dress is far too gay; y
She hath no income such as /!
The poor in purse may never buy
What richer pockets can procure,
And humble persons should endure
With patience what their lot provides
Content where common thrift abides7"
Why should the artist glibly say:
"For YOU the duh mechanics way;
For ME- the thrill of golden lore,
The gifts of lovers gone before
For you the labor and the dust,
The grind Of life, because you must
For me, the draught of beautys wine.
The ancient treasures all are miner"
Why should we think or say t. then?
These are the common working men;
There are the flowers, here the clods;;
These are but clay, and those are Rods7"
oh, we shall all our words revise
When we have made our thinking wise
They, too, are answering Gods call
Beauty Is for ALL
tcopyrsh, BY Kns Features syndieats rse)
The Washington times., 1922-04-13
British Navy
Still Leads
NOLONEL LEOPOLD AMERY,
Parliamentary and Financial

~ r
Secretary to the British Ad-
miralty, recently told the House
of Commons that the British gov
ernment had cut its navy to the
limit; that Great Britain would
not surrender its power to keep
the highways open and free even
for its best friend; that she had
agreed to equality with America,
and that is all she would do.
There are two false assumptions
In Colonel Amery's statement.
First, that the British have any
choice In the matter of dominat-
ing the seas if America should de-
eide that the power to keep the
ocean highways free was as i'm
portant to the United States as
10 Lue DTltlSu.
Colonel Amery knows better
than most Americans that the
British government could not
build and organize a naval power
to cope with the United States
if we once decided that we had
better do our own policing of the
seas.
Second, it is not true, as Colonel
Amery intimates, that the British
have agreed with us in the con-
ference here to an equality OF
naval strength. What she has
done is merely to agree to aban-
don her temporary superiority in
battleships and heavily armed
cruisers.
But this is throwing away
nothing at all, for the large bomb
ing aeroplane has taken from the
battleship and heavily armed
cruiser the mastery of the sea, SO
that naval superiority now will
depend upon the possession of su'
periority in fast mercantile
steamers capable of being lightly
armed and of becoming mother
ships of the powerful bombing
aeroplane.
England today has greater su-
periority in merchant ships than
in battleships and heavy armed
cruisers. With the battleship and
the heavy armed cruiser gone, be.
cause they could not compete with
the aeroplane, there was nothing
left to threaten the dominance OF
the British merchant marine
srmed for war except the subma-
rine, and British diplomacy has
deprived the submarine of most
of its teeth by the agreement
which it obtained here concern
ing the limitation of the use OF
the submarine.
The Washington times., 1922-04-13
their hearts:
DON'T GAMBLE!

their hearts:
DON'T GAMBLE!
Sometimes stocks go up and if
you buy them on a margin and
sell out in time you make money.
Sometimes they go down and if
you sell them short and cover in
time you also make money. But
nobody can be absolutely sure
that they are going either up or
down-not even the so-called Gin
siders."
For a few days stocks go up.
1t is a phenomenon of human
nature-well- known in Wall Street
that after stocks have been
going up for while the innocent
and ignorant public begin to buy.
What the public do not seem to
realize is that if they buy some.
one must sell and that the seller
as a rule, is a shrewd speculator
who makes stock gambling his
business, devotes twenty-four
hours a day to it and knows, bet
ter than the public, when to get
rid of what he has bought.
The public's fingers have been
burnt before. An unexpected hap
pening precipitates a slump and
many margins are wiped out.
If you have money to invest
select reliable broker and let
him advise you what securities to
buy outright.
But do not buy or sell stocks on
a margin either on your own
shrewd Judgment or on the tip of
your friends. 1t is1pure gambling
and no intelligent person has ever
had the courage to come forward
and claim that gambling is not
risky.
If you want to play with stocks,
see your banker or reliable
broker, and then buy the secur-
|ities outright, not on margin.
The Washington times., 1922-04-13
TO MAKE YOU SMILE
Copyright. iS1a.)

A Chicago woman has been jailed for refusing
to talk. Any woman who does that is entitled
to the freedom of the city.
Warren Rabbit lives in Alpena Mich. II
seems as though he ought to run for something
The greatest holdup game in this country Ia
played by the suspender trust
Truths We Never Hear.
Your daughter has the worst voice have
heard She ought to have Il filed"
The Washington times., 1922-04-13
BACK TO THE HoUR-GIAss.

miniature 'hour-giass" is now being used
to time the telephone conversation. Its upper
compartment exhausts itself OF sand in just
three minutes. With eye on the glass the
telephone sees when the time Is almost
up, and can speed up his business accordingly,
30 that the talk may be finished within the spec
flied three minutes Of the long distance call
The Washington times., 1922-04-13
A Shooting Gallery
For Two
BY Bugs" Baer.

MARRIAGE statistics are
Sh now being tabulated by
Government artillery ex-
perts.
pLISSFUL shooting is be-
~ coming part of kitchen
duties. Cupid used to be lit
tie boy with bow and ar
rows.
NOW he packs automatic
AN cannon.
The Washington times., 1922-04-13
A Good Tip on Stocks

TIERE is an absolutely safe tip
0 for all who feel the strings
of Wall Street tugging at
The Washington times., 1922-04-13

HUSBANDS and wives
a. celebrate birthdays. Cake
is made OF dynamite. Thirty
candles on IL. Light candles.
Two more angels picking
feathers out OF wings.
WHATS cause7 Must be
w some engraved rea-
son for sudden Improvement
in range finding.
noZEN shooting parties
- since New Year. Wives
used to mend holes in your
sox. Now they shot 'em in
your vest.
The Washington times., 1922-04-13

CAUSE of whipped crime
~ wave must be fact that
nobody Is ever punished.
Between written and unwrit-
ten laws, it's about time 70
send justice to garage for
repairs.
The Washington times., 1922-04-13

HUSBANDS used to buy
IA furniture for vine-cov-
cred bungalow for two. Now
electric chair seems to be
part Of parlor equipment.
The Washington times., 1922-04-13

ONLY way to stop II is
" right at altar. When
couple want to get married,
Mr.. Minister ought to search
them both.
The Washington times., 1922-04-13

OUGHT to stop this bob
" bed-hair-trigger business.
The Washington times., 1922-04-13

HUSBANDS are worse.
~ They figure that au-
munition Is cheaper than
alimony.
The Washington times., 1922-04-13

old fashioned bride used
" to go home to mother
and cry I'm her face. Modern
brides save their crying for
jury.
The herald., 1922-10-12
LOST COUPLE NEAR DEATH
Man and Wife Found In the Noun
tains In British Columbia
Almost Starved.

Prince Rupert, b. C.-Lost In the
mountains, Peter Stafford and his wife
were found recently in the last stage
OF starvation by two constables on the
kayer river, 80 miles from Skeena
Mills. The couple had not eaten real
food for 20 days, the only thing that
kept them alive being soup made by
boiling strips of old beaver skin. Stat
ford's condition was pitiful, as he had
been suffering from tuberculosis for
some months. How he was able to
survive the terrific experience is a
mystery to physicians.
Stafford and his wife were discoy-
cred In a small tent pitched under a
big tree. The man, too weak TO move
was placed in canoe and the woman
was assisted along the shore until q
point % miles from the railway was
reached. Here they were left with
friends with enough food to last six
weeks and a store Of medicine was
sent in.
The herald., 1922-10-12

quarts OF green tomatoes. six groom
peppers, one-half pound of mustard,
one-haf ounce of turmeric povdar
three-fourths cupful of flour. ono cun'
ful OF sugar, 315 quarts of vinegar
Cut the vegetables into small pieces
ana let them stand overnight in q
prime, using one cupful of salt to q
gallon or water. In the morning scald
and drain thoroughly. Mix the mus-
tard, 'urmeric, flour and sugar with
pint of the vinegar to a smooth paste
ADD this to the remaining VINEGAR
which has been brought to the BOILING
point. Cook twenty minutes, add the
vegetables and when cool place In iars
and seal.
Pepper Hash.-Take twelve red and
twelve green peppers, remove tho
white fiber and seeds. peel twelve on
Ions the size Of an egg, chop all very
fine, then add boiling water TO covar
Let stand five minutes and drain
Cook together three pints of vinegar
two cupfuls of sugar, three level table
spoonfuls of salt. add the vegetables
L
Doll up once and turn into steriIiyad
jars. Seal.
Spieed Grapes.-Remove the Skins
from and place in a separate dish
eight pounds of grapes. Cook the min
IN three cupfuls Of vinegar with four
sticks Of cinnamon, one ounce ~
cloves and two blades of mace tied IN
a cloth. Pass as much as possibIo
through a fine sieve, keeping back the
seeds. Add the skins which have been
simmered slowly until tender. add
four pounds of sugar and the snIcas
and cook until thick. Seal in glasses
Very nice with venison.
Mexican Eggs.-Split three green
peppers lengthwise and take ont tho
seeds. Fry two minutes In very hot
butter. Fry six very thin slices OF
ham and place on slices of toast Law
the peppers over the ham and put q |
poached or fried egg on each slice.
The herald., 1922-10-12
Ghost" Barred Murder.

Owner after owner had come and
gone. Carl Logips purchased the farm
about year ago. Whenever lie went
TO his barn at night, Logies declares,
he would see "a white, wraith-like fig.
ure" walking about.
AT times, he says, he followed with
his gun in hand, and ii always dlsap-
peared in the direction of the well.
Determined to find out what caused
the apparitioR, LOgies cleaned out
the old well, which had been filed
with stones. He came upon the body
of Lipenstick.
Sheriff Sphinx was called. and he and
his deputies suspected murder. The
next day the sheriff ordered the body
buried. and now the ghost" Is gone.
Frank Lernan, who owned the farm
at the time Lipenstick disappeared,
Is In the Lake county Jail. He is
bound over to the grand jury on
charge of murder.
The herald., 1922-10-12

| breakfast the problem Is solved; il
saves trouble, food, ana gives one {
few minutes longer In bed; however
the breakfast habit Is fairly well rs
| tablishcd, having been active for any
! number of centuries, So that the
! housewife, present and to come. will
/ probably still plan and execute break.
| faSts
| 1t is wise To remember that the first
meal should be happy, quiet one.
starting the family off 10 their various
duties in Il cheerful frame of mind.
There have been no statistics compiled
which tell Us of the tragedies, crimes
and miserles which have been caused
by poor food, bOlted In wild and
disordered household; who can tell
the far-reachlng effects Of such condi-
tiOns?
When proper thought has been given
the menu, there is no reason that II
should not be varied. as there are
countless ways of serving the COM
mon things. Heavy, hearty foods are
not good for inactive people and when
one feels stupid and dull an hour or
two after eating 1t Is wise TO look into
the menu.
Most people enjoy a bit OF fruit in
season the first thing. then a dish OF
cereal of some kind, which. because
or the variety, may be different every
morning; an egg or bacon and toast
with a cup Of coffee, will be sufficient
for the average appetite.
Hot breads. waffles. grlddle cakes
may occasionally take the place Of
toast though the season and temper
allure affects the appetite.
Tomato BUtter.-After cooking ripe
tomatoes. carefully removing all the
seeds possible, use nearly equal meas
ures OF sugar and cook until thick.
Add an equal amount Of well-cooked
sweetened apple sauce to the
tomato and when hot put into glasses
and cover with paraffin. This is very
nice with meats In winter.
Southern Pudding.-Take two Gun
fuls or mashed sweet potatoes, add the
yolks OF four eggs well beaten. two
pints of milk, one-half cupful Of sugar.
ana a teaspOonful Of cinnamon: stir
In lightly the whites Of four eggs
beaten stiff and turn into a we'll
Duttered baking dish to bake. Serve
With any sauce or without.
The herald., 1922-10-12
SHORTHAND WILL IS VALID
Unusual Method Of Devising Large
Estate Is Approved by
English Court.

London.-A will written In short.
hand on a telegraph blank has been
admitted to probate in solemn form,
Its validity upheld by the Probate
court of England. 1t was written by
Charles s. Orrin, a commercial tray.
eler, who adopted phonetic writing as
the quickest means Of expressing his
wishes regarding the disposition of his
large estate when informed by the doc
tors that he had only few hours TO
live.
The stenographic characters were so
perfectly executed that they were read
lily translated by the 'official shorthand
reporter of the court In which the will
was offered for probate.
The herald., 1922-10-12
KEEPS GIRL TWO
YEARS IN SHED
Father, Found Guilty Of Extreme
Cruelty, Declares She Would
Not Behave.
INSANITY Is RESULT
Long Confinement Nearly Oepr,vcs the
Young Woman of GIT and Speech
Causes Big Sensation
in Community

Bucyrus, Ohio.-Jacob I. N.r-n,
/ charged with keeping hi, tu.ar..-.s
ycar-old daughter, Irene, in Il c..-.
Smohehouse for two years becau~- S..
wouldn't behave" has been fu...
guilty of excessive cruelty hy i-g.
in Judge Rummeis' court. TIE yirl
said To have been driven INSANE D., tie
long confinement, is now an inmate ~
the State hospital at Toledo.
The case grew out of the fact that
on May ,, Sheriff Edward J. Knarrrn.
berger Went To the MeEgrS home. mid
way between Gallon and Crc-tline, and
found the girl, partly nude. in q smoke
house near the barn. The shed ca1.
tanned little but a cot and blanket.
Irene was brought to Bucyrus, where
she was cared for by Mrs. KnaEpen.
berger, wife of the sheriff. She was
reported TO show signs Of long neglect.
May Is she was sent to the State
hospital and Menges was arrested
on state warrant charging cruelty.
Family Fought Raiders.
Chester A. Meek, Crawford county
prosecutor, states that the case Is
brought under state law, making the
finding of the justice court final
The release of Irene attracted wide
spread attention, as the statements
made by county officials at the time re-
vealed that the girl had been a pris-
Oner in the shack for a long time. re-
ports as to the duration of her cap
tlyity varying from two to six years.
Members of the party raiding the
Menges home met opposition and inter-
ference from members of the family.
The girl was passive, accepting relief
without a syllable.
When she was brought to the Craw.
ford county Jail here she remained in
ert, and her only words were a few
brief acknowledgements of thanks for
the acts of kindness shown to her.
Released From Asylum.
Under the care of the sheriff's wife
she frightened noticeably, but showed
little response to attempts to induce
her to explain her captivity in the
she'd.
State records obtained by authorities
here revealed that Irene had been con.
lined In the Toledo institution in 1914,
but released as being mentally compe-
.ent June 80. 1915.
AT the trial of Menges his wife de-
lied testimony of Mrs. Knappenberger
Is to the condition Of Irene at the
The herald., 1922-10-12
MIGHT PREFER oYHER PLACE

"Do you suppose jazz musicians viii
60 10 heaven"
"Maybe So" replied Mr.. Grumpson.
According TO the modern Idea, nearly
everybody is going To heaven, but |
Won't present my credentials to 81.
Peter until | find out whether or not
sheyll have to check their horns at the
gate"
The herald., 1922-10-12
OPERATE ON MAN IN MIDAIR
0oetors Mount Ladder to ScaffoId in
Attempt to Save the Lire or
Injured laborer.

London.-Three doctors had to
mount a ladder and walk a plank 40
ieet above the ground to perform an
operation In a vain attempt to save
the lie OF man entangled in some
machinery at Burton-on-Trent.
The man. Thomas Phillips. at work
on a scaffold, had one OF his legs
trapped In a grain conveyor and the
limb was being manged by a revolv-
ing shaft with projecting blades. It
was impossible to extricate him from
ms position, 40 feet above ground.
The leg was removed at the thigh
and the patient lowered to the ground
and rushed to a hospital.
The herald., 1922-10-12
MURDER Barred BY
TIRELESS "GH0ST"
Wrath ProwIed Neighborhood
for Seven Years Until Crime
Was Uncovered.

Paines Hollow, GA ghost"
which farmers living near here say
haunted them for seven years, now is
"at rest" 1t disappeared several days
ago with the burial of the body OF
Henry Lipenstick, which was found In
an abandoned well on a farm.
Lipcnstick, a farm hand. dIsap-
peared seven years ago. Since then
the farm IS said to have had poor
crops. a farm house burned down,
and the ghost" was blamed for that.
The herald., 1922-10-12
Whales Hopeless Fight

Ihere are many instances recorded
OF the giant sperm whale being taken
ana devoured by some colossal sea
creature. In 1875 the officers and
crew Of the barque Pauline. whilst
sailing in the Indian ocean, noticed
three sperm whales upon the surface
OF the water. Suddenly an enormous
,serpeht-looking' creature appeared
amongst them. II seized the largest
OF the whales in its sinuous coils and
The herald., 1922-10-12
Judge and Jury Acouit Farmer

Monroe, La.-Tried before a masked
judge and jury, with masked attor
neys presenting the arguments, Sam
uel Richards, farmer, was tried and
acquitted of charges of completely in
an attempt to Stay DR.. II. b. McKoin.
The trial took place in a lonely woods.
The herald., 1922-10-12

and combination,
a r e especially
good. Try these /:
Mustard Pickles.
Take "a small
cucumbers, one
quart of small on
ions, two cauli-
II ow ers, tw
The herald., 1922-10-12
Hard Labor.

"Well," said lhe shoe drummer,
''what's going on in ChiggersylNe to-
day."
Heard about Zeke Dawle" asked
Squire Witherbee.
"NO. Has he gone 70 wOrkT'
"Yes. Quite number of our citt
position. In fact, the courtroom was
crowded"
The herald., 1922-10-12
A Bit Previous

First Prisoner-Well, pardner. what
are you in for?
Second Ditto-Found some jewelry.
+. P.-Why, they wouldn't send Won
up for that, would they?
s. D.-Found 1t before the owner
lost 1t.
The herald., 1922-10-12
Boy Gets 81 for Finding 81, coo.

Altoona, pas a reward for re-
turning $1,000 in bonds to the owner,
Alex Karl, thirteen-year-Old newsboy,
received 81 from the man. The lad
found the bonds on the street and
took them to bank, where he found
the man who owned them.
The herald., 1922-10-12
Ate Needle at Breakfast.

Sterling, Il.-Rudolph Jacobs, a
farmer living near here, felt a sharp
pain in his throat while eating break.
fast. He went TO physician, who re-
moved a large needle from his throat.
How the needle got in his food is a
mystery.
The herald., 1922-10-12

furious battle ensued. One or the
ribs of the unfortunate whale was dis
tinctly heard to crack. The fight lasted
about quarter of an hour, when the
monster disappeared below the waves
with its victim"
The herald., 1922-10-12
The KITCHEN
CABINET

&c. 1922, Western Newspaper UniOn)
The warm rain drops aslant the sun
And in the rain the robins sing.
Across the creek in twos and troops
The hawking swifts and swallows
wing