davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1922-10-01
By "BUGS" BAER

time The blades all rused the chassis Gus looked
at it and pop said, "That's great knife
Gus looked at it in disgust and pop said But they
knives friendship I'll have give you penny with it,
Gus said it would be cheaper to buy knife
Pop made long argument short by hauling off and
giving Gus backhander his chin and then Pop had to
blaze trail through the parlor wall because Gus
right in back trying to give him the gift back.
Pop stepped out fast to where the road branched off
roads But Gus close that Pop figured that
the road the right one and he ddn stop
for directions.
Gus back home, but Pop ain been seen since al
though Nom keeps meal burning in the front window
every night If anything will bring him home, that will.
Well goodby and if you hear my bad news send us a
funny postcard.
star
The Washington times., 1922-10-01

She looked like a couple Of
Movie Actresses who had been
rolled into One and then dipped in
Flour. This Dame de Luxe was
accompanied by an Attorney who
looked as II he needed whatever
he might get out Of the Case.
Before seating herself where she
could get fair Shot at His Honor,
she bestowed a Dirty Look on a
certain Lizard wearing a Blue Tie
who was already in the Picture.
This Reptile was the Defendant in
the Case and he looked as II the
Electric Chair would be letting
him off easy.
BROTHER ROSCOE THE TENOR,
When the Lady had a chance to
unload her Grief she told the
World that she had played out her
String with the other half Of the
Sketch. They had got along to-
gether like a couple OF Rocky
Mountain Lions. All she asked
was a public Vindication, four.
fifths Of his Income and. after that,
period Of Rest at some quiet
Spot, such as Atlantic City.
The Modern Solomon on the
Perch showed some interest in the
Tragedy as revealed and made
certain Inquiries to find out IL
the Wretch with the Blue Neck.
wear had any Human Traits what.
soever.
Lady Macbeth admitted that he
was a good Provider, had stood for
the Bills and acquired ju.t enough
Bad Habits to make him Real.
Then why this beating against
the bars?" asked the Court.
why are you shrieking for your
Maiden Manner"
Because" was the Reply. this
Bird has put me on the Hummer
by his cold and calculating Bru.
tality. He has worked on me until
The Washington times., 1922-10-01
TRY THIS OLD FORMULA
ON A MODERN FLAPPER.

Miss Gillingham, may have
the exquisite beatitude Of conduct
ing your corporal system over the
space intervening between your
parental domicile and the building
erected for the worship Of God Al.
mighty shortly after the diurnal
aluminary swings below the west
ern horizon?"
The foregoing old style Of date
making, so rich in pedantic phrase
ology, simply means in popular
parlance OF 1922. something like
this: Susie, would you care To go
to church with me?" F. B. A.
The Washington times., 1922-10-01
AN ExAsPERATED PORTER.

A fidgety old gentleman at a rail.
road station was terribly afraid
that he might lose his baggage.
and during the time he was wait.
ing for his train continually wor.
ried the busy porter, much to the
latter's annoyance.
Porter, be sure that my trunk
In safe" said the old gent
"All right, sir" replied the Dor
ter, sharply.
A few minutes later, the worry
ing passenger again approached.
Porter, don't forget my trunk"
"All right, SIR" replied the man,
still more viciously.
Yet a third time within ten min.
utes-''Porter, now be quite sure
my trunk is SAFE"
"Begorra," roared the thoroughly
exasperated porter, IT'S a pity you
wasn't born an elephant, instead
Of an ass, then you would always
have your trunk under your nose"
The Washington times., 1922-10-01

NE morning a court came to
order so that those who
~ had been poor Pickers could
call all Bets off and declare New
Book.
This Tribunal was one which had
been more or less criticized in the
Uplift Magazines but, believe you
us, II had proved to be a great Con-
yenience for those who had found
themselves In Dutch.
The Court had listened to many
Tales Of Woe and had come to the
Conclusion that there is only one
Fate more horrible than that of
tearing away from the Partner that
you have sworn to Love, Honor
and put up with and that is, to be
shackled to a Helpmate whose
lurking Ambition 1t is to change
your Address to the Cemetery by
some clever and concealed Scheme
which never will be suspected by a
Coroner's Jury.
He had to pump lot OF Opti-
fnism to escape the Conviction that
every Wife was a Ball-and. Chain
and every Hubble was Bluebeard.
Matrimonial Life, as nearly as he
could gather, consisted largely Of
Marathons around the Dining
Room Table and getting crowned
with a Waffle Iron.
He had considered the Welfare
OF the Children from several Angles
and decided that It was better to
divide up the Offspring than to
have them camping on a blood.
soaked Battle-F1eld.
On this morning. just as his Nobs
put the Separating Machine into
action, there gushed into the Sane.
tuary OF the Law a large Lady
wearing Gold Heels and other evi.
dences OF Refinement.
The Washington times., 1922-10-01

TT ERE'S another family group taken absolutely with
II out cause Look at Uncle Roescoe standing there
prouder fugitive at the head of his profession
You could tell of Rrafs wherever you
matter how big the crowd of creditors was.
INK was right the prime of his delinquency then, but
Pop ddn t have for him than Jackie Coogan
has for mustache cup Pop didn't like those dressedup
men who wore gloves all the time Pop said they might be
fashionable but looked like they scared of leaving
their thumbprnts Bertllon expert
Finally Pop got awful aiment He came down
morning with his head down his chest and couldn't
raise it. and his neck stffer than starched pump
handle Nom for the doctor and he couldn't do any
thing with it, Then they called in professor and he
examined Pops neck and said that breaking it would be
improvement.
If we had paid the doctor bills would have spent
The Washington times., 1922-10-01
ACCEPTING HIS PROPOSAL.

A certain fellow proposing to his
girl received the following answer,
says c. w:
After consideration and much
meditation Of the great aspira-
tion you possess In the nation l
have q strong inclination to be-
come your relation, and II my ad-
miration receives your appreciation
I will make preparation to remove
my situation to a more convenient
station which will be an aggrandi.
zation beyond all calculation Of the
joy and exultatiOn to be yours with.
out hesitation.
MARY MODERATION.
The Washington times., 1922-10-01

from ever letting the name OF
Brother Roscoe pass her lips again.
He has gone from the Picture. II
she ever starts another Panegyric
on the Thrush with the Goloshes
and the Permanent Wave you
come here and I will liberate you.
and this Woman will be left to
starve in the Streets. As 1t is
now ten thirty, and have work
cd for nearly forty minutes
Court will adjourn until next
Wednesday,"
So they went back to the Apart
ment and everything was Ipska.
larious.
MORAL: The Serpent is help.
less unless he can find an Apple to
work with.
The Washington times., 1922-10-01
THREE CHEERING WORDS.

THREE CHEERING WORDS.
Three wOrds-and all the roses
bloom,
And the sun begins to shine.
Three words will dissipate the
gloom,
And water turns to wine.
Three words will cheer the saddest
day.
81 love you" Wrong, by heck!
It's another still sweeter phrase,
Enclosed find check"
FLORENCE H0AGLAND.
"Who remembers" inquiries
UNCLE EBEN, "When old
fashioned mothers constantly
warned their children, "NoIU,
don't step on mothers skirt"
The Washington times., 1922-10-01
Lowly Spuds Gut Cost
of Living i'm England
LONDON, Sept.

LONDON, Sept. -
THE index figure for the cost
OF living in the month OF Ju!v.
announced by the labor ministry,
is 81 above the pre-war Level, n
drop Of 3 points from that OF Juns,
The reduction Ia ascribed to the
heavy drop In the price OF pnta.
toes. Employment has shown n
slight Improvement.
The Washington times., 1922-10-01
Water Freak Puzzles
BUFFALO, Sept. %,

BUFFALO, Sept. -.
BIOLOGISTS are trying TO clas.
sify a peculiar form OF amman
life found by Edward Briggs In the
Niagara River at Niagara Falls
This freak is twelve inches long
The forepart of the body resem-
bles a lizard, while the hindpart
looks like a fish. The creature is
of a spotted skin and no scales.
The Washington times., 1922-10-01
THE CLUB BORE.
We been grossly insultsd, "

i've been grossly insultsd,"
said the club bore to the secretary
one day Just now. during lunch,
that young man over there said in
his beastly drawl. Look here, sir,
III give you $50 II you'll resign
from this club All the members
there heard him. Now what ought
l to do about it?'
Hold on for a better offer"
said the secretary.
The Washington times., 1922-10-01
DON'T GIVE UP.

II SUCCESS you would attain.
Don't give up.
Work with all your might and
main,
Don't give up.
When misfortune does beset you.
WORK; though it will try not let
YOU.
And in time It will forget you.
Don't give up.
II things do not como your way.
Don't give up.
There will dawn a brighter day,
Don't give up.
Just. keep right on persevering.
Your reward Is ever nearing
For the clouds are disappearing.
Don't give up.
II the task does seem too great,
Don't give up.
Learn to bear q little weight.
Don't give up.
That which is worth while has
never
Been so easy; but has ever,
Called for long. intense endeavor.
Don't give up.
II you fail to reach your goal.
Don't give up.
Start again with heart and soul,
Don't give up.
Always be too strong for worry,
Don't 60 through life in a hurry,
Soon enough We cross the ferry,
Don't give up.
II they say, 1T can't be done"
Don't give up.
II is not your lot to shun.
Don't give up.
But with confidence go to 1t,
And you never once will rue 1t,
For the best in you will do it,
Don't give up.
So throughout your span of life,
Don't give up.
Through all pleasure. pain and
strife,
Don't give up.
Promise yourself and don't break
II,
That your work you'll undertake
II
For life is just what you make it.
Don't give up.
PERCY W. GREENE.
The Washington times., 1922-10-01
NOT ALL THE TINE.

A mother had quite by chance
seen her daughter in q large motor
car with young friend of the
family. She was very nervous Of
reckless driving, and said to her
daughter: Does Mr.. Prince always
drive with one hand, dear?"
The daughter blushed.
"Oh. no" she said. Sometimes
we have q quarrel"
The Washington times., 1922-10-01
HARD ENES

The old contribs can stand the Jolt
or watching their stuff feed rhe
office goat;
But the beginner, II hurts like sin
To get kicked out before he gets In.
o. HOWE WISE.
The Washington times., 1922-10-01
GETTING MEN TO PROPOSE.

Dear Bill: ! see that some news
papers continue to print articles
telling girls how TO make q man
propose. Why not articles advls-
ing the fish how to swim. the birds
how to sing. and the sun how to
shine?
InuN X
The Washington times., 1922-10-01

"Pm Vour feet N our hands,"
SAID the shoe store dd.
"YOu can do Il y yoU rant to-"
SAID hubby, "but PH get mad"
JINGLE jim.
The Washington times., 1922-10-01

DID YOU EVER SEE

A stone step?
A peanut stands
A ginger snaps
A sardine bOXf
A sausage rolls
A day pass byf
A hair dyer
A house flyf
A brick walkf
A snake dancef
A night ful.s
A mill rum
A rolling pin?
A bed springf
A bed ticks
A clock rum
A chicken dressing?
An ink stand?
Do ships have eyes when they
20 out to sea?
Is . baker broke when he Is
making dough?
II . grass widower marry
grasswidOw would their children
be grasshOppersr
What sort Of q vegetable In q
pOliceInan's beat?
e. p.
The Washington times., 1922-10-01

II women Just learn how to smoke.
Most men won't care hoot.
But many men are sure TO trenIh.e
II the girls learn how to shoot.
OKLAHOMA PETE.
The Washington times., 1922-10-01

1T must be-" said the sympa.
thetic Judge.
The Party OF the Second Part
now came to the Home Plate and
The Washington times., 1922-10-01
JOHN K.

Now. John. don't be sarcastic.
Each girl, no doubt. has her own
system OF bringing a fellow to his
knees with a proposal, but the
duty OF a newspaper is to instruct.
II il surely interesting to women
leaders to know just how other
women may have worked the game.
That's why love fiction 10 gobbled
up by the girls.
The Washington times., 1922-10-01
EASY TO GUESS HIM.

Diffident Young Man-"Um. ah,
er-er-er. Er! He - he"'
Jeweler Ito assistant)-"Henry,
pass me that tray Of engagement
rings"
The Washington times., 1922-10-01
HOW COME?

We still see movies OF northwest
ern life, with the same old dance
halls, "Red Dog" saloons. rein
deer" buffets, etc. Are the pictures
several years old or do they pay
no attention to Mr.. Volstead's law?
JULES BACKENHEIMER
The Washington times., 1922-10-01
Some men make homs happy,
Some mon make home blue,
But tho real man,
The popular man,
Is the expert maker OF homo
bret0. I. N. A. MUTT.
THE MOVING DAY BLUES.
(Or, It's Cheaper to Move Than
Pay the Rent.)

Pay the Rent.)
They say two can live IS cheapIy .s
one,
But now I know that old stuff IL
bunk:
Since being married I'm kept on the
Aud now quite often pack my old
trunk.
It's cheaper to move than to pay the
rent,
And this fact for = long time have
known.
So when see the bill which the land
lord sends
at once get ready to lose my
happy home.
Once hit the bricks and came TO .
door.
And l thought 1 had . great big fat
chance.
Gave him q small bill. bat he said
Encore,
Now you just pay me all in ad-
HANK HAWKINS.
The Washington times., 1922-10-01
HIS N A NJ E .

She rdnsdcked every novel,
And the dictionary, too,
But nothing ever printed
For her baby's name Uould do.
She hunted dppelldttons
From the present aud the past.
And this Is Whdt she named him
when they christened him at
Julian Harold E1bert
Ulysses Victor Paul
AI1ernon Marcus Cecil
Sylvester George McFdH
But after all the trouble
She'd taken for hts sake,
His father called him "Fdtty,"
HIS schoolmdtes called him
Joke"
CICERO.
There was young fellow from
whose Ford wouldn't crank till he'd
whistle first.
One fine day In june,
He forgot the old tune
(Ta ra ra ra raral and his engine
burst. FIRST OFFENCE.
The Washington times., 1922-10-01
A LESSON IN MATRIMONY.

! do not care for Venus De Milo,
Or for that toonran of perfect
eyes;
But RI al10ays worship the
1O0mGn
Who bakes good apple pies.
SATISFIED HUSBAND.
The Washington times., 1922-10-01

IT'S time for a farmer to get
sore on moonshining Whep he
finds his chickens drunk, and
formerly timid old hens so full
of courage that they attack the
family bull dog and run the dog
all over the place. AH this hap
pened in KentuckY.
The Washington times., 1922-10-01
IT'S THE SAME
ALL OVER WASHINGTON

Many newcomers mp my way
Have taken to reading The Times
each day,
And freely and willingly say
They hope the q. o. @. will always
stay. ii. SMITH.
The Washington times., 1922-10-01

began a heart.breaking Recital.
quietly and with artistic Modula.
ton.
lie Unidentified the Bird OF Par.
The Washington times., 1922-10-01

The summer threatens to 70 away,
Winter threatens to be cold.
But the allies don't threaten to pay.
Altho' As borrowers they were
HANK HAWKINS.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1922-11-23
Protest MADE
AT PT. READING
Object to Laying of Sidewalks
Along Road At That
Place

WOODBRIDGE, Nov. 2S-De-
elaring hat the price of laying the
proposed sidewalk through the Port
Reading section of the Roosevelt
borough line is eXorbitant, and that
for this reason the time is not OPP
perfume to do this work now a Pc
tition has been placed in circulation
anon the residents requesting that
the work be put off as many of the
property owners and taxpayers +
having considerable difficulty in Sc
curing steady employment. The Pc
titi0n states. that the cost of laying
the sidewalk will be S15s.5O for ev-
cry twenty-five foot lot. Assistant
Prosecutor John E. Toolan repre-
sents the petitioners.
The petition holds that the cost of
laying $500 feet of walk will cost
$4,000, and the property owners
ppotest abainst the ordinance pro-
'viding fer the work as the price is
exorbitant. Asile from the fact that
the price is absolutely outrageous,
the petition goes on to protest
against the dork as it will add a
burden upon the taxpayers and
property owners that will cause
great hardship at this time.
"Wage conditions are not nor
NAL" the petition reads, "and great
difficulty is found by the average
property owner in supporting his
family on present wages without
adding to his burden unnecessarily
for improvements that are not sbso-
luteiy necessary and that are against
the wishes of the great majority Of
the people along the line of the pro-
posed improvement
II the committee insists against
the viii of the petitioners they sug-
gest that the committee establish a
grade and then permit the property
owners to lay their own sidewalks
so that the work might be per-
formed with the most rigid economy
and thus eliminate any unnecessary
burden on the property owners.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1922-11-23
.arake 1t Easy, at Crescent

"Take 1t Easy" the funniest act
in vaudeville is appearing today at
the Crescent theatre here. The man
agement went to great expense and
trouble to book this great headline
attraction, which is presented by a
company of six people, the majority
of the cast being beautiful girls. This
is an act that always draws the
crowds and it is expected that its
run in this city will be no exception
to the rule. If you enjoy a good
time you cannot afford to miss see
ing this great vaudeville feature.
There are four other big acts as
follows: Frank Gillen & Muir in
singing and dancing; Fred c. Hagan
G. Company in a comedy sketch;
Halter & Paul, a pair of clever COM
edians and The -Four Cheerups. a
miniature musical comedy that is
bound to please.
The ~photoplay attractions ear not
be equaled by any other variety the
atre in the city. The feature pic
ture is Tom Mix in "Do or Dare"
This is one of Mix's latest and best
productions. It has the usual Mix
thrills and several new surprises.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1922-11-23
MANY To SEE
KATHLEEN.
Will Be Given BY Girls Club,
Monday and Tuesday
At Majestic

advance tickets for kathleen"
tie romantic musical comedy, to be
Staged under the auspices of the
Girls Club at the Majestic theatre,
Cd Monday and Tuesday nights. will
ie eSchangeabIe, at The box office,
or after 10 O'Clock tomorrow
ntprning. Capacity houses on both
Gtgiits are assured, and those who
ifve not yet purchased their tickets,
ara urged to do so at once. Ad-
sauce tickets may also be procured
I'll. the box office. Nc n will be
l8rmitted to exchange more than
ten tickets.
Through the courtesy of several
merchants in this city. prizes have
been offered to those IN the "Kath-
Ieen" choruses selling tickets. Much
interest has been aroused, especially
among the younger k.ddies. These
prizes are well worth winning, and
much appreciation has been eX-
pressed by the Girls Club members
chants who so kindly donated prizes.
eKathleen" is said to be one Of
the snappiest and most brilliant ANA
feur affairs ever presented in Perth
Amboy. This is the opinion of those
who have witnessed the daily re-
hearsals which are being held under
the direction of Russell B. Rowland
of the John b. Rogers Producing
Company.
There are scores of pretty girls
In every scene. a musical number
which is sure to make a decided hit
will be the comedy song "Arabella,
I'll Be Your Fellah." Assisting,
Miss Dorothy Hidden and Ellwood
Johnson In this number will be six
teen "By Heck Girls" This course
of poppy dancers will show a brand
of Heck Steps" that neve fails to
captiyate an audience. Taking part
in this group will be Helen Schultz,
Elizabeth Bartha, Alice Bjorh Mar
garet Flynn, Claire Medusky, Eliza
beth Schibinski, Fannie Gilman, Ma
RE Kilmurray, Helen Kehrur. FIN
nile Drysdale, Edna Widerstrom,
Emma johnson, Ruth Mcleod, An
ma Siskind, Alice and Blanche Jor-
genson, Florence Blum, Peggy U.l-
man. Gussie Weiner, Sarah Bender,
Mary Huff, Irene Beatty, Gladys
Blume and Sadie Fishkoff. Another
appealing and pretty number in the
show will be girls dressed in Quak-
er costumes as "Shy Maids" Those
participating in this group are: Pearl
Peterson, Dorothy White, Alma
Weinstine, Kathryn Lake, Elsie
Crowell, Eleanor Spawn. Ruth En-
mons. Alice Grifins, Helen Linde-
berg and Edith Mckenzie.
Every member is asked to donate
one pound of candy to be sold dur
ing intermission, and it must be in
the hands of Miss Eleanor Meade,
not later than Saturday
afternoon.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1922-11-23
WOODBRIDGE

Great progress has been made on
the paving OF Pearl street. 1t Is
expected that the street will open
soon.
Considerable building is going on
here. Arthur Durham is completing
several dwellings and also a store
in King Georges avenue. The home
Of f. G. Kreutzberg in High street
is being rushed to completion. The
real estate market continues active.
A group of Edgar residents will
meet tonight in the Sunday school
room Of the Presbyterian church on
Railway ven and invite the pro-
tests OF other taxpayers of the third
district against the plans of the
Franklin Manufacturing Company
TO erect ar asphalt plant on the six
teen acre tract which they have re.
Gently purchased. The asphalt com.
pany applied for a permit to the
township authorities at their recsn
meeting to build the asphalt works
Perth Amboy evening news., 1922-11-23
THEATRES
Strand Attraction

We have always wondered why
Guy Bates Post, of the most
distinguished actors on the Ameri-
can stage, resisted the lure of the
films. Last night we saw his hrst
picture, a screen version of "The
Masauerader,' prepared by Richard
Walton Tully, at the Strand theatre,
and we add an expression of regret
to our former wonderment because
Post had not come to motion pic
lures sooner For the newest star
in the film armament is one of its
most brilliant consultations.
The most outstanding feature OF
the entire production from the bril-
liant work of the star down through
the performance of the lowliest bit
by any of the extras is the a C
that it carries the conviction Of the
highest type of drama Every mem
Der of the cast of "The Masquer-
ader' is an ACTOR-the capitals
are used ~advisedly. Other screen
producers and actors would do well
TO see this picture and study 1T,
Only a performance such as POST
deserves stardom in such an I'M
usual production.
In addition to the consistently ex-
cellent acting there are moments OF
tense drama that reveal the aoillty
of Producer Tully and Director
James Young, scenes of rare beauty
for which Art Director Wire
Perth Amboy evening news., 1922-11-23
JR. 0. U. A. NJ. TO GIVE FLAG
TO SCHOOL AT RAILWAY

Junior Order United American
Mechanics of the various councils in
this section of the state will gather
at Railway tomorrow night for the
presentation of the flag by Middle
sex Council No. SO of this city, to
the new Washington High School at
that place. A large delegation of
members of the council will ac-
company Councillor Earl Barnes to
the presentation which is to take
place at the school where approx
mate exercises will be carried out
for the event. There will be a par
ade before the ceremonies in which
members of the order, school chill
dren and other patriotic %organiza-
tions viii take part. The members
will be Up from here by automobile
from the council rooms al
$3.50 o'clock for the trip.
At a meeting of the council last
at Odd Fellows hall, arrange
ments were made for going over to
the presentation and plans were
Perth Amboy evening news., 1922-11-23
SEWAREN CLUB AT
PLEASING SESSION

SEWAREN, Nov. 23:-Mrs. Alex
ander c.. Walker entertained the
Sewaren Bridge Club yesterday af-
ternoon. There were seven tables
of players, including members and
guests. The prizes we're very at
~tractive. Mrs. w. W. Higgins won
the first club prize, a pair of hand
made pillowcases, and Mrs. j. A.
Lahey the. second, two linen glass
towels. Mrs, +. H. Turner won the
first guest prize, also pillowcases,
and Miss Ruth Ballard the second,
a fancy basket.
The other guests were Mrs. Stan
ley Potter and Mrs. G. A. deRussy
Of woodbridge, Mrs. Curtiss and
Lars. Verify of Brooklyn, Mrs. H. ID.
Clark, Mrs. r. Muller. Mrs. o. B.
Ames, Mrs. s.. Henry, Mrs. Arthur
S~choenfuss. Mrs. S~choenfuss and
Mrs. ]. Newton of Sewaren.
Dainty refreshments were served.
The next meeting will be with Mrs.
w. H. Tombs on December 10.