The Wrangell sentinel., 1922-12-28


 They are deserving people, and you feel 1t duty to help them along, so the first thing you know your mail box is damned full of literature. Having paid for 1t, you feel that you ought to read it, and your life is ruined thereby.
 When I was young, the magazines tried to entertain people. They had good stories and a Poets Corner. and a department devoted to timely jokes. and another to household hints and do- nestle recipes. There was some sense in reading a magazine then, for it soothed and sustained you. But now adays the magazine editors consider it their duty to harrow your soul and make your hair stand on end like quills upon the porkful fretcupine, or words to that effect They are always viewing with alarm, and trying to con- vince you that you take your life in your hand every five minutes.
 "They have a lot of health special ists writing for them, and these health sharps point out that pretty near ev- erything you eat and drink is a deadly poison. They didn't scare me to any great extent, for am most intrepid man, but they soon had my wife 50 rattled she didn't know whether she was going or coming.
 "I always was passionately fond of a good cup of coffee, and my wife could make the best coffee, you ever heard of. She went to work at it like learned apothecary compounding prescription. There was no guess work about it. She took an honest pride in it, and her coffee was a reye- lation to every consumer. 1 used to lie awake at night wishing it was break fast time, so could have my morning cup of coffee.
 But one morning when I went to the table the coffee was missing. In its place there was a sickly beverage had never seen before. l asked an ex- planation, and my wife said that no more coffee would be made In our house. The wonder is,' said she, that we still live and move and have our be- ing. for coffee is rank poison. If you read Dr. Zinkfoogle's article in the Junkopolitan Magazine, you will see that coffee contains large percentage of tannin, which is so deadly that if you place a drop on the tongue of an alligator, 1t will roll over, dead"
 "I told her that I had no alligators on the premises, and consequently could not try the experiment, but I assured her that I didn't care anything about the poison. I wanted my coffee at regular hours. She said I'd have to keep on wanting. She thought too much of me to send me to an untimely grave. And, anyhow, she explained Dr. Zinkfoogle had told how to make a substitute for coffee that was perfect Iy wholesome. She had followed his instructions, and the result was before me. Perhaps it didn't taste as good as coffee, but 1t was wholesome. It would fill my veins with red corpuscles and restore hair to my bald head. It was made of marowfat peas which had been carefully roasted in a hot oven.
 "In order to get cup of coffee after that I had to make a sneak to the chop house, and the kind dished up there made me old before my time. My wife cut out all my favorite dishes be- cause pr. Zinkfoogle or some other magazine writer denounced them, and finally I was living on roasted peas coffee and boiled spinach, and I con- cluded that if I had to feed like the COWS I'd live like them, so l came to the forest fastnesses."