davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1922-09-24
You Never Can Tell
Till You Try
BY S. e. Kiser.

By S. E. Kiscr
A GIRL from K.l.mazeo and . from Topeka. Kan,
Taks you they sh.ll be mel
I'll ha's.n 70 bob hair. and .h.l perch nss
My beads shall be By and win become the man.
Said the girl from Tallahassee the from Topeka. Kan
ssT WILL pu. on the pIum.s Iassris" he replied,
"Ths du.is. men I gladly will aside.
And shall forth each day toll for the chdsn saks
Where will things you
And when home night discouraged and and sd
imp.isnty Ill rseiss the troubles that have had"
stRUT .h. b. fire.. to do I might . man."
Said the girl from K.l.m...s from Topeka, Ksn
"conv.a'ion' that irL .h.l to apply to
Sweat moistsn brow. but shall least be frss
Ill lnssr night In whsnsvsr I'm inelinsd 4
The honda that ha. KEEP. finally bind
ga ND will complain because my neshbor
I'll with will learn .eold. ery
I'll sing stairs, may los. my job
You shall be free plan for
Said the man from Topsk. k.n to the girl from kslams.oo
lie helped her bob her hair tn.
She kissed him. and from hndsrins bondage
But she at the close Of day pifu thing o
The house ehssrs'. wreck and dropping her hsd plan.
She the bistsrsd neck Of the Topeka
On His Way VI
sDo b.'v. In fortune .lins7 asked Ii. .rsl... girl
thing My husband teller toll
long journey very dsy
while he using gasoline
he decided to light . cigarette"
They Call 1t Patriotism.
MOST of tn. who "dde... .h. live. public
AVA do because they haven't confidence ability
living Of Office
Inconsequential.
SOMEWHERE . pup may tumble
- In green grass, with dew,
Somewhere . prince Erumbls
Because his joys few,
Some perspirs
Above . Punctursd tire.
But don't care do your
The Washington times., 1922-09-24
Summer Hotel GOSSIP

Mrs Luce-Tong Long Time Boarder Mrs. Lyssoninn
q Newcomer.
/OU that in fannes he's man. cannes
They say he's worth a million, less.
And the brunette in the duck suit be up
suit
An the woman she got worsed. Oh, some mess!
And that quaette Of byheckr they country playing
checkers
Are all brokers' an believe me they spend tin;
And that fat he has oodes noodles,
The very sound Of It makes persons grin.
See that thin the palm beach,
They say his wife Is dppy in the dome.
An the blonde that looks being
He's got Chinese butler in bis home.
An that gink silhaed diamonds bespae
He manages a large department store.
An the bird with cheeks ford his simply horrd
They've sep'rate rooms an gswd she's sure a bore
An that short guy with he might At as we'll b
called dead,
He doesn't do thing the hull day long b.
An his wife! Ughl What mser the hull gang doe}
despise er;
She's mighty fly, but I don't hint she's wrong
An that big long lean SOUL like animated bean pole
He's standing there. He's funn-s he is
An that funny looking fellow with tue long Cello
They say he made his money In that biz
Who? Which one7 That with the roseaed beezer
The enc with whiskers dripping from his jows
The donned In the jape suit with shaped grap
fruit s..-~ ~
An looks like he's got wisdom like an OWLS
The with hips like bouldes upon shouders
Whose stick out as II he wants to SOAR Il
An that acts like dumb dago twitchn like got umbago
oH-ER-HE is JUST MY HUsBAND-NoTHING MORE
The Washington times., 1922-09-24
Quincy Todd on Crape-Hangers

ting dances, bookmaking, dope,
Spanish influenza, high tariff,
carpet baggers, bootlegging, out
lawry, obscene postal cards, sex
literature, poisonous mushrooms,
risque bathing suits, too much
economy, too much extravaganza,
foreign entanglements, isolation,
faro, roulette, Imperialism, pro-
vincialism, humidity, spiritualism,
phrenology, comets, meteors,
automobiles, cigarettes and red
ants in the pantry.
why I hear a guy making a
speech from a soap box here
awhile ago, and he is trying to
convince US that this country is
on the road to ruin because the
women wear high heels"
"But it looks pretty shaky
right now" says Elias @. Higgin-
botham.
"Sure," says Quincy. 'Tt al
ways does. This country always
looks like It is held together like
a suburban bungalow-by the
wall paper and the mortgage. 1t
looks like a puff Of wind would
blow it down. And 1t never looks
so shaky as it does when they
start it. If you could have seen
it when old George Wash was
trying to stick it together with
library paste and make it run you
wouldn't give a nickle for It."
"But one guy is going to shut
up his automobile factory and
throw a couple Of million guys
with families out Of work, and
says conditions will not be no
better whatsoever until there is a
civil war. Now, what do you
think Of that!" asks Elias Q. Hig-
ginbotham.
'T think the same of that as
I thought the time this same bird
takes a cargo of nuts to Europe
to get the boys out Of the
trenches by Christmas" says
The Washington times., 1922-09-24
Wall Street
Brokers

TT is estimated by careful cal
culation there are 2,675,983
= Wall Street brokers in New
York.
This figure becomes quite
startling when it is realized that
Wall street is only about two
blocks long in the broker zone
and about thirty feet wide.
Accommodating 2,675,98S brok-
ers, then, Wall street is the most
dsnsely populated thoroughfare
in the world, as well as the
dsnsest in some other particulars.
No one will doubt the official
count Of brokers. The only sur
prise will be that the total is 30
small. ..
There are at least three hun
dred Wall street brokers on every
subway train running downtown
between z and 10 a. m. They all
admit 1t, openly and above
board.
Several hundred thousand of
them stop on the way and clerk
In shoe stores, and some of them
even jerk soda water, and some
Of them have never seen Trinity
Church, but they are all Wall
street brokers to the acquain-
tances and to strangers who hear
them talk.
The scandal which does not
implicats in some manner "a
well-known Wall street broker"
is hardly worth reading. Every
gent who takes a chorus girl out
to supper after a show is "a we'll
known Wall street broker"
Everybody believes him but the
chorus girl. She knows there
can't be 50 many "well-known
Wall street brokers" in the
world.
When he comes across with a
rope Of genuine Woolworth
pearls on her birthday, she knows
he II "a well-known Duane street
shipping clerk"
"You may be a well-known
Wan street broker to your
mother" said one Of these girls
the other evening, but you are
a portion Of fromage de brie to
me-"
The Washington times., 1922-09-24

ut SEE," says Elias Q. Hig-
ginbotham, "that some
people are putting up a
very loud squawk about what a
fierce Winter we are going to
have on account Of unrest and
strikes and this and that. I hear
Of these people a great deal now
adays."
"Sure you hear Of them now"
says Quincy Todd, "and you will
notice that you never hear Of
them at any other time, except
when there is little tough luck
In the air."
"But they say we are going to
freeze and q lot Of us are going
to starve and the country is
headed for destruction and chaos
and q lot Of other things that I
can't remember" says Elias @.
Higginbotham.
"That you can't remember
them is a great blessing" says
Quincy; "for they are not worth
remembering. If a guy could re-
member all the tough luck dope
he hears he would be in a jam
from the time he hops out of
the cradle until he hops into the
grave. Ever since I have been
a small young squirt have been
hearing about where this coun-
try was going to every Winter,
and I am sometimes surprised
that It never seems to get there.
'Tn my recollection the coun-
try has gone plumb to the devil
over the following subjects:
Hoop skirts, bicycles, hoss racing,
free silver, free trade, railroad
strikes, mine strikes, forty-seven
other varieties Of strikes, draw
poker, liquor, tight skirts, short
skirts, immoral shows, circuses,
anarchy, hay fever, denuding the
forests, trusts, gold bricks, Bo-
hemian oats, green goods, the
rars QUESTION. RELIGION fnrm-ft-
The Washington times., 1922-09-24
By Roy K. Moulton

ing but dismal weather. He
stands In front of the postoffice
all day just SO he can spring his
stuff and get to the greatest num-
Der of people.
"There is no chance for any
guy to get a swelled head while
Uncle Andy is around, and as for
business enterprises they are his
meat. He can find more ways
for a business deal to fail than
there are ways of filling a hand
with a one-card draw. II a guy
goes away from home and makes
q success Uncle Andy says he's
crooked and the money won't do
him no good, and II the guy goes
away from homo and makes a
failure Uncle Andy says it is just
as he expected. .-
e "Uncle Andy was the first
cheer up guy in this country who
predicted that automobiles would
never be a success, and he also
was among the first to say that
any guy which tried to fly in the
air in a flying machine should ort
to be put away for safe keeping.
The first time they build a rail-
rud through our town Uncle
Andy predicted the ruination Of
our burg, which is already ruined
as far as anybody can ruin 1t.
"He says the wireless Is all
nonsense and the phonograph
amt possible, and he is one Of
them immorfals which has the
country going to perdition on
creased skids because some New
York society woman sets a mon
key up at the dinner table. II
anybody in our town has got
headache, Uncle Andy has 'em
dead.
"Well, this goes on for about
forty years with Uncle Andy
pickin' out pall-bearers for peo-
pie who are laid up with ingrow-
Great Britain Rights Reserved.
The Washington times., 1922-09-24

Quincy. Whatever some Of
these guys say ! think nothing
whatever. Crapehangers and
fair weather patriots do not make
no hit with me. This country
was not built by them kind Of
people, and every time it gets
into any serious trouble it is not
saved by any of them Grape
hangers either.
ABE Lincoln did not shut up
shop and pack up his doll rags
and 60 home when things was
looking about four thousand
times darker than they are right
this minute. l do not hear Of
any big guy deserting the people
when they need him.
when there is any ruckus on
hand that looks serious there Is
always enough guys with back
bone and a little nerve to take
holt, even though the Grape
hangers are yipping al their
heels. When-the real people get
busy they pull US out Of the mud
without any assistance from the
weeping willows.
when am a young bird
there is an old guy In my home
town by the name Of Uncle Andy
Tibbitts, who is by way Of being
the busiest party spoiler and
calamity howler in eighteen or
twenty counties-and, in fact, he
has almost a State reputation.
He is the kind Of a cheerful guy
that cries at weddings, and in
the course of few years the
people Of my town get very much
fed up on this old bird and his
brand Of happiness.
'Tf you meet this old Polly
anna on the street on q bright
morning and say IL Is a fine day
he will say yes, but that It Is a
weather breeder because IL comes
at the wrong time Of the year
and we are not entitled to moth
Copyright. 1879. by Star Co. ...
The Washington times., 1922-09-24

ing nails and are suffering with
dandruff, and finally Uncle Andy
happens to hit it right. One day
he ups and says as how he L. not
feeling first rate and he thinks
he is about TO cash in. Well, he
hauls of and does 1t the next
day. This is the only time in
forty years that he has any Of
his predictions come true, and
once in forty years Is a pretty
fair average for a crape-hanger,
at that. He is one crape-hanger
that gets what Is coming to him."
"But Quincy" says Elias @.
Higginbotham, don't you think
there Is lot of social unrest In
this country?"
"Yes," says Quincy, "and I
don't know of no time when there
hasn't been. There is also quite
a lot Of social unrest back in
Egypt and Rome and Greece, and
there has been a lot ever since.
But this is sure a fierce country
If you believe these sourdoughs.
It Is terrible what we have to
put up with here. I don't see
how we stand it. The old dollar
won't do nothing but buy
wagon load of almost any kind
of foreign money you can name;
there is only one automobile to
every ten people in this country.
It's fierce, I tell you. We have
got big kick coming. I believe
the crape-hangers ought to move
out"
Where would you have 'em
got" asks Elias @. Higginbotham.
'T've been thinking 1t over"
says Quincy, "and I believe ]
would have these fault finders
and professional wet blankets 60
to Russia, where a family of five
lives for a week on the shinbone
Of a horse ground up and made
into biscuitA"
The Washington times., 1922-09-24
Cogitations of a Cuckoo

saddest thing about conducted
zine In that II doesn't count. !.
only pleasant thing about dumbwaiter thai
1t keeps the ceman from tracking up the kitchen noeum
When boarding house keeper calls herself a Out
for the prunes!
People can't always be judged by
they by disappearances
We heard the other day Of editor
cut, and when the barber said: Like Short
piled: "Just give me brief synopsis Of it."
Nothing inspires confidence like presence doctor at
home-brew party
The hotel In flames The scanty attire They
their clothes.
In Paris prize has been girl the most
afu legs that's what she's already
has her prize.
One thing the male thankful for doesn't
have to carry q handbag
The Washington times., 1922-09-24
They Call 1t Patriotism.

Al oST Of who dedicate public service
AVA do because they haven't confidence
earn . living out of Office
The Washington times., 1922-09-24
On His Way.

Sno believe In fortune sinsT asked the srtlsss girl
Ys replied the widow sadly Im there be
thing In IL My husband fortune teller and
him he about journey very
while he gasoline
he decided o light . cigarette"
The Washington times., 1922-09-24
Getting the
License
TTHE lady goes to the New

THE lady goes to the New
York State automobile bu-
reau for a license. She
has her picture taken in a little
photograph gallery-or in other
words, is "mugged"-then she
drives around the block with an
examiner to show him that she
knows an automobile from
stone-crusher, and then the dear
thing has to sit down and answer
the following questions, and an
swer them she does, in the fol-
lowing manner:
Q. How old are you?
A. Over eighteen.
@. Have you ever driven any
thing before?
A. Nothing but my husband.
Q. What is the first rule of the
road?
A. Watch out for motor-cops.
@. What is the second rule of
the road?
A. Don't let anything run into
you or run past you.
Q. If your engine stalls in
traffic, what do you do?
A. Try to start it.
Q. In parking the car, which
side should be nearest the curb? ?
A. The side that is next to the
sidewalk.
@. What would you do if your
steering gear broke?
A. Drive to the nearest garage
and have It fixed.
@. What do you do when the
batteries run out?
A. Try to get them back.
@. Which has the right of
way, a car on main thorough
fare or one on the side street
at intersections?
A. The one that gets there
first.
@. What is the proper precau-
ton to take when backing your
car?
A. Reverse your engine? =
Q. What is the accelerator?
A. The name of something you
put your foot on that has some
thing to do with something inside
the car.
Q. What is tho charging in
dicator?
A. The bill you get from the
garage.
Q. Where should you have
your license plates?
A. On your car, of course.
@. What is meant by "short
circuit?
A. Going around by the short
est way.
Q. What furnishes the motive
power Of the cart
A. NV husband
The Washington times., 1922-09-24
Inconsequential.

CoMEWHERE . pup may tumble
- In green grass, wet with dew,
Somewhere . prince may grumbls
Because his joys are few,
Some man may now perspirs
Above . Punctursd tire.
But ! don't care, do your
Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1922-09-27
KLI KLUXERy
CEREMONIES
Gum Springs is Scene Of
AwesOme Initia-
ton
Colored Congregation Remains in
Prayer During Proceedings-Firey
Cross Caused Much Excitement
Among Passing Motorists.
(Ry IN Eve Witness)

Last night at Gum Springs, in the
open space in front Of the lunch room
and Just across the road from a color
ed chlrch, the Ku KluX Klan put on
their naturalization ceremony.
For nearly an hour the klansman
were gathering at the secret rendezv-
Gus. At a given signal from one Of
their leaders they proceeded to Gum
Springs. 1t was awesome yet IN
spring sight to see the long line of
automobiles moving down the road.
Each auto carrying its load Of silent,
white robed and hooded figures. Ar
rivinS at their destination tte work
proceeded silently, orderly and rapid
ly.
First the pickets spread out, cover
ing the surrounding territory and
barring the approach Of any who were
not citizens of the invisible empire.
Soon the fiery cross was blazing,
adding its light to that of the moons,
showing to the inhabitants and pass
ing automobilists the large number
of Klansmen formed into a hollow
square. In the center of which were
the candidates for naturalization.
During the ceremony, numerous
automobiles passed on the roadway.
Loud and many were the eXclama-
tions heard. Some slowed down for a
better view, others putting on speed
to pass as quickly as possible. At the
little coIored church prayer meet
ing was in progress. Prayer continu-
ed until the Klansmer eXtinguished
their fiery cross and disappeared as
silently am as swiftly as they had
appeared.
Editors Note-It is against the
policies of the Gazette to publish
anything anonymous but the above
was ef such an interesting nature
that the ruling was temporarily laid
aside.
Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1922-09-27
Prohibition Chief
Issue inNew Jersey
Cnv United rrcSsD

Trenton. y. j., Sept. 27.-Prohlbl-
lion is to be the principal issue Of the
forthcoming senatorial champaign in
New jersey, United States Senator
Joseph 6. Frelinghuysen declared to-
day. following his denomination in
Yesterdays primaries over George L.
Record, Of Jersey City. by majority
estimated at from $4,000 to 100000
"Mr. Records vote, particularly in
the outlying districts. was largely a
protest against prohibition" Senator
Frelinyuhugsen said at his headquart>
ers at Raritan today. prohibition
will be the principal issue of the forth
coming campaign, but it will not be
the only one"
With one exception Frelinkhuysen
carried every county in the state by
substantial majorities. including Rec
ord's home county Of Essex. Leaders
of the regular republican organization.
headed by Governor Stokes and former
L. S. Senator Baird. declared Freling-
huysen victory was an Endorsement ot
the Harding administration, as Presi~
dent Harding is a close personal and
political friend Of the New Jersey sen
atOr
Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1922-09-27
Must Not Search Ships Out
sioe of Territorial
Waters
PRESIDENTS ORDERS
Efforts to be Redoubled to Check
Wholesale Smuggling of Whiskey
Aboard Foreign Ships-lnterna-
tional Embarrassments Prompt Ac-
ton.
(By United Press.>

Washington, Sept. 27.-Ur1ers went
to Americas dry navy" today to con-
fine its activities strictly to the three
mile zone of American territorial wa
ters.
These orders. issued by President
Harding o nthe advice of the cabinet,
will be carried out to the letter, Pro-
hibition Commissioner Haynes stated.
No further attempts will be made,
either by prohibition enforcement
agents or customs agents, to board
foreign ships beyond the three-mile
limit, in a search for contraband Ii
quor.
This does not mean, however,
HAYNES added, that the dry navy will
give up its attempts to prevent whole
sale smuggling of liquor into the Unit
ed States from foreign ships. On the
contrary, efforts will be redoubled to
capture all rum runners, either Amer
lean or foreign, within the resticted
zone of the dry navy's operations
Fear of international cmbarrass-
ments decided President Harding and
his cabinet to curtail the activities Of
the navy outside the three-mile limit
Under the new order the dry navy
must not molest rum-running vessels
fving a foreign flag unless such YES
sells communicate with the shore by
means of their own crews or boats
A new and hitherto unrevealed fea-
ture Of the American note to Great
Britain came to light today.
The American government, il was
learned. in addition to seek close scru
tinv of clearance papers issued by
British colonies near the United States
and proposing a reciprocal arrange
mont for search of vessels outside
territorial waters, requested that the
British government strictly enforce
her laws relative to ship registry, 20
prevent unscrupulous American boot
leppers from obtaining British reg
isterv for American vessels.
Evidence in the hands of the govern
ment tended to prove that rm-smug-
piers were inducing INSCRIPTIONS
British subjects by means OF large
sums of money to take out British
registry papers in their own names for
American rum-running ships,
Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1922-09-27
FAVORS EFFORT
IN NEAR EAST
Hughes Says America APP
proves Protection of
Straits Freedom
United States Committed to Open
Door" Pohey-DeclaratiOn Made in
View of Menace-Insurgent Turk
ey Blocked by Russia Presents.
,Ry United PreSs.l

Washington. Sept. 27.-The United
States today stands committed to an
"open door" policy in a new quarter
Of the world-the zone of the Dar-
dauelles straits.
The pronouncement of Secretary
of State Hughes that the United
States "uneQuivocally, approves" the
Allied effort TO insure the freedom of
the straits, unexpectedly revealed
American interest in region hitherto
little considered in relation to Ameri-
can foreign policy.
The impelling reason for the de-
claratiOn at this time is believed TO
be the menace of a new insurgent
Turkey, backed by a revolutionary
Russia. TO free communication through
the passage of the Dardanelles, the
Sea or Marmora, and the BosphoruS.
The interest of the United States
as q commercial nation with a vast
and growing merchant marine, seek
ing Unrestricted access TO trade where
ever it may exist, is thus believed TO
have dictated the announcement by
this government.
The Hughes pr0nOuncement was
believed here today 10 forecast parti-
cipation by the United States in the
Forthcoming near east conference,
The American government has ad-
mitted its intention of maintaining
observers. if not representatives, at
all European conferences where Ame-
rican interests are involved. The
Hughes statement on the Near East
definitely establishes an American in
terest in that region.
Aside from the commercial inter-
est in maintaining an open Darda
nelles TO draw it 10 such conference
the American government has GER
tain treaty rights, obtained from the
Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1922-09-27

now almost defunct Ottoman En-
Dire. to safeguard in any redistri-
button of power in the Near East it
was explained in official quarters.
Those concern the rights of Ameri-
can citizens in Turkey under Turkish
law.
A certain cultural interest in the
form of American endowed an sup
ported college and schools and mis-1
sionary activities. also attracts Ame-
rican official solicitude. The vast num-
Der of American subscribers TO the
support of these cultural enterprises
is not generally known. 1t is authori-
tatively stated that this interest alone
would be sufficient to impell the close
attention of the American govern
ment to the progress Of the confer
ence.