davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1922-12-31
CIRCUMSTANTIAL EVIDENCE

Lamenting his wife's waning
interest in him. friend advised
him 10 use the lovers tactics
that he won her with to rewin
her affections.
"Ill do IT," and. instantly act
ing on the sudden resolve. he
went home and entering the
house boyishly noisy. grabbed his
wife and nearly suffocated her
with bear-hugs and kisses.
The shock was too sudden. In
stead OF the smile OF gratitude
and pleasure ne had expected
she wrathfully struggled free and
bitterly moaned. between sohs:
Baby swallowed a button. the
cat died. the cook quit. my nice
roast burned, the plumbing is
leaking. and-and NOW you've
came home drunk
c. j. MENASCO.
The Washington times., 1922-12-31
.. A FROM Everybody .. By BILL PRICE
"REVOLUTION Blues"

When nations start to prosper,
And all warfare seems to cease.
Someone starts a revolution,
That destroys the reign Of Peace.
When prospects seem the bright
est,
And the ways Of peace prevail.
Two factions start to fighting,
IL was never known to fail.
Once twas Mexico that battled.
Through the revolution stage,
But when her wars subsided.
The style was all the rage.
Shure mkt IL was the Irish.
That plunged into the fray.
To fight a revolution,
In the good Ould Irish way.
Across the sea to Asia,
Sped this ever-present pest,
To start some merry battles,
And destroy the nations rest,
When good will seems prevailing,
IT'S q time men always choose,
To start this hateful warfare,
I've got those revolution blues!
j. ii. HOLMAN.
The Washington times., 1922-12-31

would really adapt itself to all
the intricate Peculiarities of his
complicated Ailment.
Often he would bc found in the
Reception Room just next to the
shake down Parlor.
After reading a few pages in a
popular Magazine dated two
Years back, he would be admit
ted to the little inside Room,
where he would cover before the
dollar r.a.minute Specialist, who
would apply a Dictagraph to the
Heart Region and then say, You
are all Run Down"
FOR FLORIDA.
Next day the Sufferer would
collect his folding Trunks and
Headache Tablets and Hot
Water Bags and start for Florida
or California or the Piney
Woods.
But Florida seemed to enerva:e
him. California was too unset
tied. And the Piney Woods only
made him Pine more than ever.
One Summer Day, when he
was only about three jumos
ahead Of Cataleptic Convul.
sion. he had to get on the Cars
and take long ride to inspect
some Copper Mines which helped
tn fattcn -~his impo'cnt Income.
The train was bowling through \
The Washington times., 1922-12-31
HAVE THIS WEEK,
AFTER THEN HOLIDAYS

Dear Bill: We are having 90
many different weeks no,0, I'm
Just thinking If a good, old fash
ioned "Spanking Week" might
not improve things all over the
country? 1t should be for the
special benefit of over-indulgent
parents aUho let their offspring
do about as they please. Such a
week might teach many present
day youngsters to respect and
generate fathers and mothers
more than they do.
w. S. B.
The Washington times., 1922-12-31
TAIL LIGHTS ON
COWS AND CALVES

Dear Bill: 4 Fresno. Cal. farm.
er failed to hang a tail light on
one Of his calves; IL strayed into
the road; a motOrist cOllided with
IL, and sued the farmer for Sc29
damages to his car. lie insists
that stock should obey the traf-
fic laws.
Maybe the Maryland legislature
will compel Maryland farmers TO
hang tail lights on their old
mules, as well az cows and calves.
Nearly every Washington motor.
ist can recall finding Maryland
stock standing peacefully in the
roads, both day and night, quite
uncOncerned about approaching
vehicles. MOTORIST.
The Washington times., 1922-12-31
SOME BEST" THINGS.

The best law-The Golden Rule.
The best educatiOn-Self-kn -knOwl-
edge. =.
Tho best philOsopher-A content
ed mind.
The best medicine-Cheerfu
and temperance.
The best war-The fight against
ones own weakness.
The best music-The laughter of
q child.
The best art-Painting Q smile on
a face that In sad.
The best misunderstanding sun
shine from q cloudy day.
The best illuminat nation-FlashinG "A
ray of hope into "A despairinE heart.
The best biOEraphy-Thel life that
writes CHARITY" In tho largest
letters.
The best mathematics-Mult
Ing the Joys and dividing the sOr-
rows Of others.
FLORENCE n. HOAGLAND.
The Washington times., 1922-12-31
CHUCK BLUFFS i'm GOTHAM =: BY O. o. MCINTYRE

YEW lORK'S Four Hundred
N leaps from the silken cover.
- let's every week or so to
learn that another Prince has be-
come a Ounce.
The suave young cavalier with
crested calling cards who made a
perfectly dandy fourth at bridge
turned out to be an apple polisher
or something-from Sauk Center,
Wis.
II you have a bluff aching to be
chucked-welcome to our city.
This is the place to chuck it. And
the sky is the limit.
Go over the trail. And il you
think this Is a sophisticated and
suspicious city you need careful
examination.
The grilled doors Of mansions
have been thrown open to so many
humbugs that you would imagine
something would be done about II.
But nothing is done. Barnum
spake a mouthful.
Within my brief memory of New
York I recall the ex.factory hand
from New Britain. Conn, who
posed as the last of the Bourbons,
descendant of King Louis XVI.
who was the central figure among
a seasons debutantes at Sherry's
and Delmonico's.
Then Stephen Weinberg. of
Brooklyn. He posed as a lieuten-
ant commander in the navy and
introduced Princess Fatima to
President Harding. He is now in
Atlanta making little ones out Of
the larger ones.
Count Bernard Francis Seraph
Gregory'-stable boy. servant and
jailbird-whose real name was
Gruenebaum. He was given
reception by Mrs. John Jacob
Astor.
Lord Gray" son Of a Glasgow
cab driver. He duped the British
war office, came to America and
married two heiresses.
Duke dEstanhaut," seeped
over from Tenth avenue, where he
was a gambling-house runner, and
sat in opera boxes with the elite.
He had arrived from Russia in a
steerage six months before.
Then there was Prince Zerde-
cheno Saide. picturesque Oriental
potentate from Kurdistan. In
reality a Chicago automobile sales
man and the glibbest prattler Of
the lot.
There is truth in the very old
song:
'The world Is so full Of a mum.
Der OF Princes.
"a few Of 'em royal, and some Of
'em Quinces."
II is real comic opera to sit on
the side lines and watch the en-
frances Of the royal four.flushers.
They need very little scenery
q high hat, frock coat. a pccsian
rug tic. gold headed cane. and.
most important Of all. crested call.
Ing cards Zipi Right kersmack
The Washington times., 1922-12-31


Loving Gurus-find the path to
the upper crust strewn with roses.
All one has to do is to rise up
on his hind legs, bray a sym
phonic poem and you can't keep
the shrimps away with a net.
Professor Adlipsius announces
that he will deliver a lecture
only for the sophisticat ted-on the
subject Of "Aeschylus vs. Oedipus."
He dons a flowing tie. an under
takers coat. muses. his hair and
Is greeted by the intelligenzia.
He doesn't know what he is
talking about; neither does his
audience. And they do not know
that he used to sell corn salve
on Sixth avenue.
II the town hall announces
"Ikons and Gothic Symptoms" all
the high.brow rheumatics in town
clamor for the front row. Per.
haps the lecturer has found the
perfect panacea.
I have lived in New York so
long that all my small town eau.
tion has evaporated. They hook
me through the gills along with
the rest.
I am bamboozled into attending
Futurist art displays where three
pears and a dead trout are sym.
bolic of Russia in Cataclysm" and
! lind myself applauding. I'm
The Washington times., 1922-12-31
THE SEARCH FOR CLIMATE :: BY GEORGE AIDE

placid Dairy Region in the Com
monwealth regulated by Mr.. LID
Toilette.
The Chronic Invalid was locked
in a State Room trying to work
up Desire for Luncheon out
of a Silver Flask, when suddenly
the car turned complete Som
ersault. because a heavy Freight
Train had met Number Six head
on.
When the Subject of this
Treatise came to. he was prop.
ped up on the front porch of a
Farm House with one Leg in
Splints and a kind-faced Lady
pressing Cold Applications to the
fevered Brow.
He was o. K. except that he
would have to lie still for a few
Weeks while the Bones did their
Knitting.
Through the Honeysuckles and
Morning Glories he could see the
long slope OF Glover Pasture,
with here and there a deliberate
Cow, and the Steeple of the Re
formed Church showing above a
distant clump Of Soft Naples.
Agout two hours after emerging
from the Trance. he made his Gus
tomary Diagnosis and discovered
that he was nervously shattered
and In urgent need of q most
heroic Bracer.
Nurse readjusted his Pillow and
told him that as soon as he came
out Of the Delirium he could daily
with a mug Of Buttermilk.
When he offered to compromise,
the Daughter OF the Household.
Luella by name, brought out
colored Chart showing the In
terror Of a Moderate Drinkers
Stomach. After that he was
afraid to Chirp.
Then ensued the Miracle.
His Nerves began to uncoil
themselves and lie down. He be
gan to sit up and listen for the
loot Of the Dinner Horn.
AS soon as he could hobhle on
Clutches they put him on the
Hay Scales, and ne thought the
Thing was out Of whack, for he
had taken on four Pounds.
When he took his game Leg
back to the Metropolis, he hurried
to the Club and made a startling
Report to all the broken-down
Sports assembled in the Card.
Room.
He said he had discovered the
only Climate in the World.
He wanted to organize a Com
pany and build Million Dollar
Hotel at once.
With a New York Steward To
supply the Table and we'll.
stocked Cellar, the Resort ought
to get all the class Trade. for
he hoped TO die II the Air out
there hadn't done more TO- him
In Ono Month than Europe had
done IN tho whole Year
Copyright, lsgs Ey the Bell sy ndieat,
Ana.
The Washington times., 1922-12-31
SCATTER SUNSHINE.

Now as we prepare to greet new
Yuletide,
When peace and good will should
prevail.
Oh, may we all In harmony abide.
Remembering those whom woes as
sail.
Begin at once to diffuse glad cheer;
Choose pleasing words and wear
smile;
Encourage some downcast one now
Intrudin9 not, yet helping all the
while.
Today IL the time you have in sight;
The morrow many may never see.
EndeayOr to make each moment bright !;
Nearer bliss your path will be
The Washington times., 1922-12-31

even a subscriber to Broom-the
highest high brow magazine OF the
age and 81 a copy. There isn't
anything in 1t I understand, but
1t is very impressive to have
around on the library table.
New York is the target for more
fakes and isms than any other
civilized center in the world. 1t
doesn't matter IL they fizzle and
fall flat, there are plenty of people
to think up new ones. If you've
a jimmypipe. joysmoke idea lying
around loose, varnish 1t up, take
the train for this cultured metrop-
oils and you can cash in.
There will be no storm o. public
derision II they catch you. Such
things are kept very secret.
But not so long ago a native
New Yorker who is marooned in a
midwest city came to town and
denounced me scathingly over the
telephone for poking fun at native
New Workers.
"You are always trying to hold
them up to ridicule," he COM
planned. He doesn't know the half
Of 1t. I'm just getting even.
Somebody has got to defend Main
Street here.
There isn't a play in town that
doesn't attempt to satirize the
yokelry. 1t is always good for a
laugh.
The truth Is that love New
York and wouldn't live any place
else In the world on a bet. It is
the only town ! have ever found
where you can live without work
ing.
1t is the only town know
where one can sleep all morning.
and play around all afternoon and
evening.
I couldn't do it hack on Main
Street. They'd find me out in a
fifty and would have to 20 to
work.
Why shouldn't I love it?
1t is, too, the most interesting Of
cities. 1t is a doer among world
capitals. There is excitement and
interest for every moment.
What chiefly resent about the
burg is the attitude Of sophisti.
cation. That unless you happen
TO be born here you belong to the
boobery.
The shrewdest confidence men in
the world-the Gordon brothers-
did not hold forth in the Palace
Hotel in Jays Crossing, Texas.
Not by jugful.
They caught their suckers under
the shadow of Maxfield Parrish's
famous painting in the old Knicker.
hooker Hotel bar. at the corner Of
Forty.second and Broadway. New
York.
And they are still being caught
with startling regularity In the
same hard boiled vicinity, and
don't forget Il.
SCsR, right. issas by the McNsashs
eyndicssA IncA
The Washington times., 1922-12-31
HER BUSY MORNING.

A housewife got up cross one
morning and fired" the kitchen
range; "mopped up" the floor:
put out" the wash: swept
down" the stairs: "shook" the
furnace; "darned' the socks:
'cut" the wood and Cleaned up
things generally, all because her
husband had used her face powder
jar as an ash tray the night be-
fore. Don't some people get mad
easy? w. +. HAYGHE.
The Washington times., 1922-12-31
"DAY BY DAY"
Day by day in every way,

Day by day in every way,
We get less, yet more we pay.
Prices seem to upward soar.
Up high today, tomorrow moro.
Our children will be old and gray
Fer things return to the old way.
When a dollar made you feel a
king"
Today II won't buy . "gol darn
thing.
In every way. and day by day,
We get trimmed" In "hOld-up"
way.
In fact, il seems that everyone.
Now rObs us daily, just for fun.
We may ~ grow better day by day;
But I can't see II in that way.
! will agree with "COue'-the time
We get ten cents worth for our
dime. "PANSY BUSH"
The Washington times., 1922-12-31
A PARTNERSHIP RESOLVED" !"

"BRIDGEPORT" says a friend
of his down in Virginia read this
notice:
"The partnership resisting
twixt Nose and he Is hereby
resolved. Those that the firm
owes see Nose; them that owes
the firm; see me-"
The Washington times., 1922-12-31
KAYDON.

Izzy-"Today I was out {.
look at WashingtOn's mOnu
ment. My goodness, but 1t !,
SO high"
Dizzy - We'll, II you ],
tinkin' Of buyin', take from!
me a leedle tip an wait until
Ieedle bit longer. Everything
will be lower by anOdder year.
Sure"
HARPERS FERRY.
The Washington times., 1922-12-31

Notwithstanding this brave Eff.
fort to overtake Health. he would
feel like a frost.nipped Turnip
when the matutinal Chanticleer
told him that another blue Dawn
was sneaking over the Hills.
Then he heard of the wonder
full Air and Dietary Advantages
Of Germany. 1t seemed that the
Fatherland was staging a Come.
back because every Fritz kept
himself saturated with the Es.
sence of Munich.
So all the way from Dusseldorf
to Wohlgebaum he played the
Circuit of Gardens with nice
clean Gravel on the Ground and
Dill Pickles festooned among tho
Caraway Trees. Every time the
Band began TO breathe a new
waltz he would have Otto bring
q Tub of the Dark Brew and
Frankiurter about the size Of n
Sash Weight.
But the very Treatment which
developed large and coarse-grained
Heines seemed to make this Son
Of Connecticut just about as
gimpy as a wet Towel.
At last he headed for the bar.
barrie Region which an unkindly
Fate had designated rs Home.
almost convinced that there Nas
no Climate op the Map VIII fch
The Washington times., 1922-12-31
ONCE AGAIN!

To Bill and the fans:
Greetings jolly,
Heaps of holly,
Real good times for all,
By golly!
The Washington times., 1922-12-31
STUNG! THE FLAPPER
AND THE "POOR FISH"

Oh. She was good looking-a blonde
and all that;
She would even look good In any old
hat;
She was all for you. she just led yes on:
She made you think the world was
song.
Until one day, without warning fair,
She gave you the gate. gave you the air;
She even gave you an ley stare.
game,
The time spent In foolishness. dinners.
the same.
She asked everything OF you. but when
she was through
She merely broke off. and now she is
laughing at you.
w. d. 4.
The Washington times., 1922-12-31

Some men get good money
for being convincing takers:
others are equally WeU paid
for keeping their mouths shut.
There seems to be room in
this aUorld for all.
FRED VETTER.
The Washington times., 1922-12-31

"Yes, my wife believes in a
fifty-f1ty proposition, as BE-
tween husband and aofe-that
is, so per cent of my salary for
her to spend on herself and my
so per cent to spend-on her," /
heard q chap remark.
PETE.
The Washington times., 1922-12-31

One advantage a bachelor
has is that there is no aOifey
to fuss about his tie once he
gets 1t adjusted.
UNCLE EPH.
The Washington times., 1922-12-31
THAT CLARENCE CLUB"

Dear Bill: What has become
Of. the "CIarence Club" that the
Clarences of Washington Were
going to organize. A While ago
everybody blessed With that dizzy
name aOas crazy to form a CLUB.
Why can't 1Oe begin over to es-
tablish such q club. The name
Clarence means "illustrious," and
we've got nothing to be ashamed
of. CLARENCE Il. &.
MUST BE A GREAT BAND.
The Washington times., 1922-12-31

Bill Price uses tho best of our stuff.
And the Office Goat gets the rest;
So. 'wixt Bill, us and the old goat
We've q column that 10 tho best.
LULU NJ. SCHULTZ.
The Washington times., 1922-12-31

Now, Bill. you ask contribs to be
brief.
To make their stuff short and
snappy,
%. aren't a deaf and dumb bride and
groom
Just "unspeakably happy"
MINNIE.
The Washington times., 1922-12-31
OIDONO.
COMPLETE IDENTIFICATION.

The two lawyers arguing a dis
puted law point in the police
court became much excited. They
began to call each other names.
you're an ass" said one.
You're a liar" said the other.
The magistrate interjected:
Now that you gentlemen have
identified each other, kindly pro-
ceed with the case" P. D. @.
The Washington times., 1922-12-31
EARLY MORNING.

IN THE COUNTRY
At I o'clock the noisy cock
BoOns forth a lusty crow.
To tell each hen and all the men
To work they soon must go.
The horses neigh for oats and
hay.
The pigs begin to squeal.
The cattle low to let you know
That they, too, want a meal.
IN THE CITY
The rafting car keeps up its jar
From bedtime tin it's light.
You try your best to get some
rest.
While mad enough to fight.
SAM SIMPLE.
The Washington times., 1922-12-31
WHY SHE DID 1T.

Her name was Priscilla O'Hare.
But she carried one hand In the air.
Not because II gave her n pain.
But to show. again and again,
Her betrothal gift-a diamond sOli-
taire.
H. SMITH
The Washington times., 1922-12-31

'Moonshine Pete" says: IF
jazz is on its last legs then | am
a dead one"
NAUTILUS.
The Washington times., 1922-12-31
MUST BE A GREAT BAND

From Portage (Pa.) Press.
The New York herald., 1922-02-07
PAUL DURAND-RUEL DIES
IN PARIS IN DIST YEAR
Head Of Great Art Firm, With
Branch in NeU York.

The death has just been announced In
Paris of Paul Durand-Ruel, senior mem
Der OF the house of Durand-Ruel. one
Of the greatest art firms I'm the world.
with establishments in both New York
and Paris. devoted chiefly to the ex
ploitation OF impressionistic art.
NJ Durand-R RueI. who died suddenly
after an acute attack or pneumonia, had
attained a great age. having passed his
nnetieth birthday last October. AL
though he Is famous to the present gen
Grafton of art lovers as the original
sponsor and hacker of the great masters
of lmpressionism in France. he was
known to n former generation as an
equally ardent champion of the artists
of 1880 and of the Barbizon school. His
sons. who continue in direction OF the
New York and Paris art galleries. have
reported that their father often declared
he had much more difficulty in getting
the public to accept the Barbizon paint
ers than he afterward had in gaining
suffrage for the impressionists.
NJ Durand-Ruel in youth entered upon
a military career. graduating from st.
Cyr, but disabling attack Of bronchitis
prevented him from continuing. and so
he entered the gallery of his father, who
already was an enthusiast for the 1880
French painters. The young man
plunged with ardor into tho fight to gain
Manet, Renoir, Plssarro. Sisley. Gull
laumn and the other impressionists. In
the face of extraordinary opposition he
persisted for more than a generation in
preaching the truth and power of the
impressionists. He won in the end. for
the artists he championed have been ac-
cepted everywhere as masters
The New York herald., 1922-02-07
MISS REICK BRIDE OF
Mr.. II. S. STEARNS, JR.
Daughter of Mr.. and Mrs.
William G. Reick Married.

In St. Jares's Church, Madison ave-
nue. and Seventy-first street, yesterday
afternoon. Miss Margaret Reick, daugh-
ter of Mr.. and Mrs. William c. Reick,
was married to Mr.. Henry Schermer-
horn Stearns, Jr., son of DR.. and Mrs.
Henry S. Stearns. The ceremony was
performed by the rector. the Rev. Frank
w. Crowder.
The bride was escorted by her father,
Miss Carrie Louise Reick was her sis
ter's maid of honor. and the other at
tendants were Mrs. Chandler Bates. an
other sister; Mrs. Reginald l.. Hutchin-
son. Misses Virginia de Haven, Alouise
Boxer, Elizabeth Remsen and Julia
Domerich.
Mr.. Henry W. Wilson was best man.
The ushers were DR.. Norman Il. Titus.
Messrs Francis N. Bangs. Robert Gill
more, Alan Campbell Smidt, William E.
Farwell Chandler Bates. William
Ketcham and Donald Hyde.
A reception was held at III Madison
avenue. Mr.. and Mrs. Stearns will go
South for trip of six weeks. and on
their return viii live at $50 East Sew
enty-fifth street.
The New York herald., 1922-02-07
SALE OF JAPANESE PRINTS.
Rare Works From Collection of
Rousrt Fetch S21,1SO.

japanese color prints from the colIec-
tion Of the late Alexis Rouart of Paris
were sold at the American Art CAL
leries yesterday afternoon and evening
and Will go at two sessions this after
noon and tonight. The session in tho
afternoon totaled s10.702.50, and that
of the evening s1O,47S.
The two highest prices of the after
noon were paid by GoolSln, agent-s45O
for The First Sanogawa Ichimatsu' of
Masanobu and S420 for "The Woman in
Black" by Katsunobu. Another print
by Masanobu, representing "Sanjo Kan
taro." went to the same bidder for $400.
Young Woman Opening an Umbrella" :"
by Toyonobu, was bought by Miss c. l..
Andrews for 1910, and "Meditating
About Love-" by Utamaro," was pur-
chased by +. S. Colburn for the same
figure. Gookin. agent. paid $500 for
Blowing Up the Fire" by Utamaro.
and T.. S. Colburn gave $3.50 for n
Kiyomitsu. The Second Bando Hikosa-
buro." Eight Scenes of Omi." by Hiro-
shige. listed separately. went for $3.50
for the eight prints.
In the evening a fine impression Of
print by Eishosai Choki, IAN Osaka
Beauty" brought $3.50. the record
price for the sale to date. Il was
bought by Gookin. agent. The same
bidder gave $40 for print by Ho-
kusai. "The Apparition OF Yama-uba." :"
The New York herald., 1922-02-07
WED TO MIR. G.. F. TRAIN.
Miss Gertrude A. Miller Bride oi
War Veteran.

Miss Gertrude Allan Miller. daughter
Of the former Borough President of The
Bronx and Mrs. Cyrus c. Miller. was
married yesterday I'm the Church of the
TRANSPORTATION to Mr.. George Francis
Train of New York
The wedding had been arranged for
next autumn, but the necessity of the
bridegroom's immediate departure for
Cape Town, South Africa, on business
caused tho advancement of the cere-
mony. Mr.. and Mrs. Train will sail to-
day by the Aqultania and will be alb
sent six months. Upon their return
they will live at 70G West End avenue.
Mrs. Train was graduated from Bar
nard College in 1919. and has since been
actively interested In the educational
and social affairs OF the college. Mr..
Train is grandson of the late Citi-
zen George Francis Train. His father
bore the same name. He received his
early education In Germany and Switz-
erland and was graduated from Yale
In 1915. During the war he served
overseas as Captain with the 301st Tank
Battalion,