The Covington leader. (Covington, Tenn.) 18??-current, 1922-08-31
HOW TO MANAGE
A COLLAR BUTTON
~ar
(By Earl Hill.


On the face of the thing, this seems
a rather small subject for man Of
my intelligence TO discuss, but the
real truth of the matter is this is a
very important question. The fate of
kingdoms has rested more upon the
way some man managed his collar
button than on the proverbial horse
shoe nail
To begin with, you should have
your wife to give you a ten-eent col
lar button as an Xmas present. The
SINNER it is, the better. Then take a
day when, on account of being shy
Of change, you are in a hurry to get
to church in time to get your name
in as collecting deacon for the day.
If you have one, you should get before
a looking glass of some kind. If
you do not care to look at yourself
you can shut both eyes, but the button
will do better if it can see itself in
the class. BY humoring it in this
way you can probably get it into
your shirt without much trouble. You
may then open your eyes and smile at
the button. If you think. however,
that you can fool a button by smiling
at it you are badly mistaken. You
then slip up behind said button with
one thumb. Place the thumb nail
firmly against your adams apple, and
with your loose hand bring one side
of your collar in position to be
taken on bv the button. Considerable
signs of rebellion on the part of the
button will probably begin to show
themselves at this stage of the game,
However, by standing first on one
foot and then the other, twisting the
face about in different shapes, max
ing a few remarks under your breath
and otherwise displaying your man
hood, you will probably be able to
pet the button to take on one side OF
the collar. You should then sit down
and rest little in order to catch up
with your wind. Then arise, look
into the glass and think of how much
YOU have changed since you married,
place left foot well forward in order
to brace yourself, place both thumbs
at rear end of button, throw your
head back, open your mouth as wide
as possible, with one eye look down
the line of your nose at reflection of
button in glass, think of how much
depends upon this final effort, and
with your other fingers, using all the
force possible, you try your strength
and skill. This will no doubt fail
You then close one eye and with the
open one look as mad as possible at
the reflection of the button in the
glass. However, if you expect to
frighten the button, YOU will be dis
appointed. A collar button seems to
think it was made to look at and it
does not make much difference to it
how you look. No matter how well
your wife covers up the button with
the new black tie she gave you Xmas
two years ago, with the assist
ance of the baby, or bv some other
means, the button will be showing
brightly by the time you get to
church, and many man has trenl-
bled in fear some time at church
when he would see his wife looking
mad in his direction when she was
only LOOKING at the button. But, to
continue our instructions, after you
have looked at the button, both with
a smile and with frown, and found
out neither will work, you should
then try standing on your tiptoes, use
strong language, just so it is not
loud enough for your wife to hear,
and coax, threaten and persuade with
all the power in your being. By do