The New York herald., 1922-06-01
They're New and He Ex-
poets First Good Bite
When He Bites Dust.
FEARS DROPPING PEARLS
Recalls the Pitcher and Bowl
Time Of Hotels When Drinks
Were Two for Quarter.

tnat the one way TO sustain one s
reputation as an after dinner orator is
to quit Grating the minute one notices
the newspapers qualifying one as an
after dinner speaker.
Mr.. Ford. who used to be the pro-
prietor of the Grand Union Hotel, had
not made a post prandial speech for
twelve years until last night. when
he was the oratorical feature OF a
dinner given by the aforesaid number
of hotel keepers to John Nee. Bow
man at the latter's new Westchester-
Biltmora Hotel at Rye. Mr.. Ford
made much Of his false teeth. He
dwelt long and earnestly upon the
matter of knowing when to quit talk
ing. He said that he had quit talk
ing twelve years ago and that 1t was
Ano less significant person than
newspaper reporter who tipped him
of to the fact that he had reached
the point that marks the last stride
of the wit and the starting place of
the bore.
This reporter" said Mr.. Ford. came
to me and said: Look here, have a
most important social appointment to
keep and you are scheduled to say
something or other at dinner I'm
assigned to report what you say ana
I'm getting fearfully tired of writing
your wheezes. Are you going to say
anything new?
$50 I haven't made an after dinner
speech SINCE" said Mr.. Ford.
Gets His Teeth Into 1t.
Whereupon he proceeded to demon
strate that an after dinner speaker can
come back and that II doesn't do any
of them any harm to take twelve year
vacation He delivered speech that
did not contain one story that began
with "Once there was an Irfshman or
..It seems that Pat and Mike we're
He talked about Simeon Ford and the
days when hotel keeping was a matter
of diplomacy and not law.
~ I'm afraid" said he, that haven't
anything of interest to say and II had
! don't know as could say it because
Welding to the fashionable caprice OF
the day. I have had most OF my teeth
wrenched out, thus interfering not only
with my digestion but with my pronun-
citation. For an orator 10 open his mouth
and drop therefrom pearls of wisdom Is
quite all right. but to crop them In his
soup IL another matter.
I'm my efforts to acquire teeth that
would not drop from their moorings l
ha1e acquired so many sets that l have
reauu.ted my children, on my decease,
10 use them for an ornamental border
around my grave and then inscripe ON
my tomb; moor ho,e,
keeper. But weep not. gentle STRANGER.
living comes easy 10 hotel Keeper oh
such and such date ne Dit tne DUST
the first decent bite he's had IN years.
s,Minister Harvey says an after dinner
sneech should be like flapper's dress
sAs short as Is compatible with the
nroper covering of the subject MY
speech will be so short as to be almost
And then Mr.. Ford proceeded to
demonstrate that a twelve years hiatus
in the progress of an after dinner
speaker was but a day or an hour IN
the course of after dinner speeches. He
talked most entertainingly Tor thirty
minutes.
hore " he said. ITO exhibit the last sur
vivine example of the prehistoric, early
SiIurian pitcher r-and-bowl wl-no-flat-irons-
in-the bedroom period OF hotel Keeping.
.It makes me laugh to hear Ed Tier
ney and Fred Reed go around posing as
patriarchs of the profession. Compared
with me they are mere babes and SUCK
linrs .newling and puking In their
nurses arms although have no IDEA
what mewling and puklng is.
Them Was the Days.
.whv. 7 date back to the time when
we rot rich selling roast beef and boile
notatoes for thirty cents. And IL you
timed the waiter ten cents he would
xx,pe his hands and shake with you II
you'd stand for II. Every hotel man,
IN those DAYS. had a diamond cluster
ana a pair of trotting horses and
bunch OF wistaria springing from his
Adams apple -
for a quarter. Why, towards night our
bar In the Grand Union was so thronged
v,th citizens Of westchester county
irving to rush the free lunch counter
thar the bouncer often had to wade IN
ana relieve the congestion with bung
aJohn l.. Sullivan came into our bar
once and piayfully threw fuli de-
canter (being full himself) at the bar
teeper. We had an Irish porter. Joe
1foraban. who was one OF the kind who
could take a Saratoga trunk In each
hand and saunter over to the station
with them. Joe. hearing the noise. en-
tered the bar and threw John Lawrence
sullivan through the screen door so
hard that the impact OF the sullivan
frame bent one of the pillars OF the
elevated railroad. which explains why
the elevated had been shaky ever since.
when Joe heard who IL was he had
hurled out he took to the cellar and re-
znained there for a week.
"Ali this rominscence Is your fault.
You brought me here. Now you can sit
there and bear Il. Old Ed Tierney and
I were rival orators in those old days.
Ed was fcarfully extravagant In his uss
OF words. but he made up for II in his
extreme economy OF IDEAS. The last
three times we met Ed began something
like this:
Come walk with me In the garden
IIesperides. and gather apples OF gold
from pictures of silver
W FIopped by the FIappers.
Naturally that didn't mean anything
except a fearful assault upon the ear,
so Just quit. just lay down in my
corner and let the referee count ten
and l quit speaking. I guess that long