davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Monmouth inquirer., 1922-07-06

It is said that the Japanese are an
Ingenious race, but 1t appears to the
Occidental mind that there are linn
its to his boasted ingenuity. An en-
tomologist In a New York college
tells of a case where trusted jap
anese assistant failed him In mo-
ment where singular ingenuity was
required. The scientist had a tray of
carefully arranged and minute speci-
mems, and was carrying 1t from one
table to another. when he stumbled
ON protruding chair leg and partly
fell. scattering the specimens over
the floor. Many hours Of work were
In a second quite undone. Some
seryfceabie and hard-worked exple-
tives must have leaped to his lips
and then proved inadequate to the
occasion, for, after a pregnant mo-
ment of silence, he turned to the
Japanese and said:
TELL me quick. what would you
say in Japanese II such thing hap
pened to your Give me the transla-
ton instantly"
"Ah," said the Japanese scientist.
with calm gravity, I'VE would ad-
dress the chair and say. you are
very impolite."
The Monmouth inquirer., 1922-07-06
INSIDE PAGES
SUBMITTED TO ARBITRATION.

Because Father Was Not Able to
Use q Little Forethought.
The boy had been in thought for
several minutes. At last he said:
Father, it's wrong to fight, isn't
ST."
"Yes, my son." replied the father.
pleased to see that his lessons on
that subject had not been wasted.
tits wrong to try to settle dis
putes by resorting to force. isn't it?"
''It is. indeed" returned the faith
er. "The whole tendency of modern
civilization is to do away with fight
ing of all descriptions.
Muscle doesn't count for 30
SO much as 1t used to, does it,"
mo. my boy; physical prowess
does not rank SO high as mental
ability in the world of to-day"
The boy again relapsed into
thought for q few minutes. appar-
entity pondering his fathers words.
"Then. of course. we're all for
peace nowf" he finally said.
"Of course. Perfect peace is the
ideal for which we strive"
"And we should strive for that
ideal In private and public affairs.
shouldn't wei"
Always"
"That's what / thought" said the
boy, refiectively. Don't you think
that we have a good opportunity to
apply 1t now?"
I'm what way, my boy?"
why, let's arbitrate the question
of that licking that you are going
to give me after dinner. Everybody
arbitrates now"
II was arbitrated.
The Monmouth inquirer., 1922-07-06
FW AwrUE Drscovnx1.
MEhs 'the Blow That Started war
in a Hapnx Home.

MWhs 'Ehe Blow That Started War
In Happy Home.
He had Just returned from Man
chester, where he had been called
upon urgent business. The honey
moon was scarcely over, and, De-
sides, It was HIS frst absence from
her side since they were made one.
You will never drink7" she MUIR
INJURED.
Dearest, you know have never
done So" he replied in injured
tones.
"And you will never gamble
either, will you, my idolf"
Never, never again, my dear,
since you wish 1t So"
And she believed him, in her
woman's way, and "all was as merry
as a marriage bell"
But he mentioned his portman-
teau, and little struggle ensued-
He would go and get his portman-
teau, he said.
/ No, no; he was tired. She would
get it.
No, no
But, yes. yes. Was she going to
let him walk across the room for a
nasty old portmanteau. and he so
tired? How could he think her 30
cruel? No, indeed. She would go
and get 1t herself and open 1t for
him, too, and so there.
When she said 80 there" he
knew there was nothing else for him
but to submit gracefully, and he
submitted.
But, alas for what followed
She opened the bag. What was in
it? One large, empty flask. one
meerschaum pipe. one pack Of play
ing cards, new; three packs ditto,
old; a few racing tickets, sundries.
That was all.
One of these scenes which "baffie
all description" followed, but finally
the porter came and explained that
he had sent up the wrong portman-
teau.
Both are slowly recovering.
The Monmouth inquirer., 1922-07-06
Somebody on the Wire.

Several evenings ago young man
repaired to a telephone Office and
rang up his sweetheart at her resi-
dence.
The bell was answered, and the
young fellow inquired;
SIS that your"
yes. George. DEAR" came the re-
ply.
Are you alonef"
Eyes, darling"
II wish I was down there"
81 wish so, too"
"If / were there, do you know
what I would do with my darling?"
mo, George, do moi"
''Well, I'd pull her ears back till
she opened her mouth, and then I'd
put lump Of dirt In it. If that
didn't answer I'd give her a sound
fiogging," came the startling reply.
And then Esteile tainted. Now
they never speak as they pass by,
and the man who was talking TO his
farrier about balky mare says that
anybody who VIII advise man to
put his arms round the neck of an
obstreperous horse, and hug and
hug and kiss it. and hold 1t on his
lap, and whisper words of love into
its ear ought to be hanged to the
nearest lamppost-
An the telephone girl, who used
to be engaged to George and who
mixed the conversation, smiles
blandly on all parties concerned
Tit-Bits.
The Monmouth inquirer., 1922-07-06
NO OCCASION rozexl1Gsarx.


Pessimistac Fakzssk.
George" exclaimed Mrs.. Young
husband, with radiant smile. baby
has a toothi"
Has her" was the response, in q
tone which betrayed no emotion.
you don't seem surprised"
~I'm not surprised. All babies
have first teeth. II ours didn't have
any I'd manage to work up some ex-
element, maybe"
81 thought you'd be ever so
pleased and happy about It,"
mo; 1 don't see that it's any oc-
casion for especial congratulation.
The baby has my deepest SYM
pathy."
What for7"
"For having his first tooth. He
has just struck the opening chapter
of a long story Of trouble. Pretty
soon he'll have other teeth"
"Of course he wilt"
Every one he cuts will hurt him.
Then his second teeth will come
along and push these out. That will
hurt again. Some of the new ones
will grow crooked, as likely az not.
and he viii have to go to the dentist
and have q block and tackle adjust
ed to them to haul them into line.
Then he'll cut his wisdom teeth.
They will hurt lot. After that he'll
have to go to the dentist and let him
drill holes and hammer until his
face feels like q great palpitating
stone quarry. I shouldn't like him
to go through life without teeth.
But 1 must say that don't see any
occasion for the customary hilarity
over an event that means 30 much
in the way of SORROW and humilia-
ton"
The Monmouth inquirer., 1922-07-06
The shoe reinched HIM.

cat a banquet the late Senator
Gorman." said o newspaper CORE
spondent twas once rated passion
ateiy by a western drover who
thought himself accused Of corrup-
tion. when as a matter Of faot he
had not been accused at all.
Senator German got up and ex-
planned that he had made no accusa-
ton against the other.
Why he went on. with loud
laugh. you remind me. friend. Of old
Harry Dorsay of Eassafras.'
Then he explained that Harry
Dorsay, at the age of seventy-two.
married a young wife. A Sunday or
two after the wedding q widower
asked the minister to pray for him.
as his own wife had just died. The
minister In his prayer, therefore, did
not fail to remember our aged and
grieving brother, upon whom the
heavy hand Of sore af1iction has 20
lately fallen
''At these words old Harry Dor
say. red and snorting with rage. rose
from beside his girl wife.
IT may be sore affiiction.' he
grOwied audibiy, as he left the
church, but I'll be hanged II any
man going to pray for me In public
that way"
The Monmouth inquirer., 1922-07-06
AppareIIed Correctly.

Dick Robinson is fairly quick
witted, but he excelled himself the
other night at the club though. He
was recounting some holiday adven-
ture to few friends. His old enemy
was studying a newspaper In far
corner.
Dick got as far as "The evening
wore on"-when he was interrupted
by the gentleman in the corner.
Excuse me-" the interrupter be-
gan with sneer. "but can you tell
us what the evening wore on that
important occasionf I'm sure We
would like to know"
81 don't know that It is very I'M
portant." drawied out the inimitable
Dick, searching for a fitting answer.
Then presently finding 1t he added.
turning to the questioner with 9
bland smile: '.But II you really must
know. believe 1t was the close OF q
summers day"
The Monmouth inquirer., 1922-07-06
MercIfuI to the Beast

Pat one day bought sack OF four
and was proceeding on his homeWard
journey with the -four on his back,
when he resolved to take the scar.
When he got up on the car he still
retained the -four on his back, stand
ing up all the while. A stout cd lady,
who was the only other occupant Of
the car, asked In surprise:
"Why don't you put your -four down
on the floor, Pat?"
"Well," says Pat, @the poor old
horse has enough to pull wild the likes
of you and me, so I'll hold the -four
meself."
The Monmouth inquirer., 1922-07-06
A Substitute.

Little Helen. aged four, was in a
frightful predicament. The nurse.
carrying the cherished two-weeks-
old baby up and down before the
house. had paused to show the new
infant to the bishop, who had asked
TO look at 1t. And then the tall.
grave bishop. of whom Helen stood
greatly In awe had Unexpectedly
asked the little girl to give him the
baby.
How In the world to rsfuss re-
guest made by such an awe-inspiring
person as the bishop the child did
not know. But presently she wrin-
kisd her small oountenance shrewd-
iy, moved closer to the petitioner.
and said. ingratiatingly. 'T'il let you
have the next-"-Harper's Weekly.
The Monmouth inquirer., 1922-07-06
&c Waa.

A publisher directed one Of his
clerks to hang out a boy Wanted
sign at the street entrance q few
days ago. The card had been swing
ing in the breeze only a few minutes
when a red-headed little tad climbed
to the publishers ONCE with the sign
under his arm.
''Say, mister" he demanded OF the
publisher, did youse hang out this
here Boy Wanted sign7"
Il did," replied the publisher
sternly. why did you tear 1t
down?"
Back Of his freckles the youngster
was gazing in wonder at the mans
stupidity.
''Huiiy gee!" he blurted. why.
I'm the boy!"
And he was.
The Monmouth inquirer., 1922-07-06
The Rlcvcla stoop

Bender-I have made a trip from
New York to Philadelphia on BIZ
cycle, and have orders to write It up
for magazine. Wonder where can
get good horse?
Friend-W What on earth do you want
with horse?
Bender-I must repeat the trip in a
carriage, SO as to get an idea OF the
scenery, you know.
The Monmouth inquirer., 1922-07-06

Taking her Maid.
Lady B. once told Lord Palmer
ston that her maid. who had been
with her to the Isle of Wight. OBJ
tected to going thither again. be-
cause the climate was not "embrac-
ing" enough.
What am I to do with such a
womaSf" she asked.
You had hetter take her 10 the
Isle Of Man next time,- said Lord
rAlzssrsten.-Tit-Hits.
The Monmouth inquirer., 1922-07-06
In Later Days.

Mrs. Hix-When John was court
ing me he called me his little duck.
Mrs. Dfx-Indeedi
Mm. Hix-Yes; and We hadn't
been married . month before he
called me an old han
Mrs. Dix-Wsn. only Q gooss
would live with . man who called
her sucA fog1 namee,-Drockayn
The Monmouth inquirer., 1922-07-06

A barrister. well known and
rather a bore. although he had fair
practice. contracted q curious habit
of beginning his questions in cross
examination Of . witness with the
words:--
Now, sir, am going TO put q
question to you. and don't care
which way you answer It."
Mr.. Justice Maule grew to hate
this formula so much that, meeting
the barrister on his way to court, the
learned Judge acoosted him In this
wise:-
''Now. Jones. ! am going to pat .
question to you, and don't care Q
twopenny-bit which way you answer
It. Hew are youf"
The Monmouth inquirer., 1922-07-06
whxneas Of the wherefere.

Longleigh-So you have ceased 10
call On Miss de Coyne, have your"
Shertun--Yes, don't Ike her old
pirate OF a father.
Longleigh-od pirate Of q father?
Shortun- That's what ! said. He's
Q regular old frecbooter; the last time
I wAs there he kicked me down he
frGnk stsps.
The Monmouth inquirer., 1922-07-06
An originai Advertisement.

An Original Advertisement.
Charles Austin Bates, In an ad-
dress on advertising, said:
'I once saw In . western street
car an advertisement Of striking
originality. Whether this advertise
ment drew much trade or not I can't
tell. At any rate. 1t attracted tre-
mendous lot of attention and laugh
ter. What do you think Of 1t your
seIvesf II ran:
The person sitting under this
card is one Of our customers. Very
cranky and hard to please. but did
you ever see a swelier dresser? Try
De yourself. The Good Style Stores :"
The Monmouth inquirer., 1922-07-06

Word From Hr'er Williams.
''eome er De preachers b tryin' ter
preach hell out Dc Bible: but yoa
better b on 70 guayd an - XaaE
4 HxhfMl.s Ess.---Z Ess.-y
The Monmouth inquirer., 1922-07-06

W0mAnHke.
''uhat KIDD Of place is this?"
why. Il Ii woman's club"
s'Due there Is No Admittance
nxcept on Business sign on the
door,"
s~That 10 for the nennbers,s
"What hind Of business do thsy
a9tsod tof~ A
'4H1x1e&xaM k-1seAke Nszk q
The Monmouth inquirer., 1922-07-06

Grandma-Well, Tommy. what do
you intend to be when you grow up?
Tommy-Ma says I'm going to be
Q rascal-like pa.
The Dolores star., 1922-09-29
HAD TO MAKE FULL ROUND
tues of the TreadmiI Given Full
Opportunity.

Britisher tells story of mem
Der of the clergy who took too large a
mouthful on one occasion.
He was visiting the county jail and
eNpiated to n friend who was with
him on the virtues of the treadmill
Warming up with his theme, he de-
clared that he often wished he had one
at home to give him the gentle eXer-
else he required, and to remove his
friends skepticism, he asked the
warden to give him a turn.
Round went the wheel, the clergyman
declaring that the movement was de-
lightful: but after two minutes he had
had enough and desired the officer to
stop the mill. To his horror the Off
Ger answered:
'Very sorry, sir, but l can't. It's
timed to go 10 minutes and won't stop"
The Dolores star., 1922-09-29
HOT WEATHER HABITS

Is IT not true that our civilized man
L ners are tested in warm weather.
and that there is strong temptation
to forget some Of the little refinementS
Of life that we possess just because We
are civilized?
But the truth of the matter is thar
the very thing that makes warm
weather endurable in Office, store or
home Is the eXertion on the part Of
the individuals to keep up their stand
ard of good manners, and to remember
that though the thermometer stands
at ninety. more or less, they are civil
lied none the less.
Considerable selfcontrol needs to
be eXerted. In the first place don't
tell people just how warm you feel.
Having exchanged a perfunctOry com
ment or so anent the state of the
weather let it go nt that. To tell your
associates just how the thermometer
stood In your bedroom last night, how
many baths you took between office
The Dolores star., 1922-09-29
SAM SURELY MISJUDGED MULE
libelous to Call Animal Blind When
Its Only Fault Was Absolute
Lack of Fear.

Nose was trying to sell Sambo a
mule. The mule was lying on the floor
of the barn. Il doan' wan no daid
mule" said Sambo.
.EIe amt daid," said Nose: and
with his whip he forced the mule to
IA standing posture. But Sambo re-
manned cold on the proposition.
"Ah see he amt daid," said Sambo.
But he KANT run, an All done wants
II mule as runs"
Nose, thus challenged, with a vigor
Gus kick so energiZed the mule that
away it went, running down the street,
with marvellous speed.
But Sans delight at the activity of
the mule was Short-lived. for bang
the mule ran head-on into a tree.
"Fo' de lord" exclaimed Sam, 'he
amt daid; he kin run, but he's blind
All. doan' wan no blind mule"
whats dat you say?" cried Nose
You all calls a mule like dat blind?
Why, lordy, lordy, boy. dat mule amt
blind. He jes doan give whoop!"
Judge.
The Dolores star., 1922-09-29
TE7he Right, Thing
Right Time
7y MARu
MARSHALL
DuFFEE


closing yesterday and Office opening
this morning, how little you ate as IL
result of the heat and how much iced
tea you have had to consume, just
makes other people think all the more
about the heat and it doesn't help you
at all.
You may not be able to help look
ing hot, but you don't have to look
untidy ns Il result Of the heat 1t is
better to wear thin suit than to
wear Il heavier one in various stages
Of removal; better for the young wom-
an in the Office to wear n short sleeved
Open-necked blouse than another sort
of blouse with the collar and sleeves
tucked away.
A great deal more leniency is allowed
men nowadays in warm weather.
There are still some business offices
where the men are not allowed to re-
move their coats In office hours, but
these are the exceptions. If we do have
to pass through periods of almost
tropical heat we should be allowed
to adopt somewhat the costume of
other civilized folk in tropical climes.
Hence the palm beach suit for men.
soft comfortable collars and light
weight suits are no longer looked upon
as unsuitable or freakish in most of
our cities.
But whatever else You do, remember
that the chances are that you are made
no more uncomfortable than the others
with whom you associate. If you
grumble more it means that you have
less self-cOntrol it means that you
are not playing the game as well as
you should and also, moreover, that
you are making the task Of getting
through the warm weather, which at
worst is Of short duration, all the
harder for yourself and for those
around you.
20 by Mcclure Newspaper syndicate)
n
The Dolores star., 1922-09-29
A FEELING OF SECURITY

You naturally feel secure when you
know that the medicine you are about to
take is absolutely pure and contains no
harmful or habit producing drugs.
Such a medicine is DIR. Kilmer's Swamp
Root, kidney, liver and bladder remedy.
The same standard of purity, strength
and excellence is maintained in every bot
tie of SwampRoot.
1t is scientifically compounded from
vegetable herbs.
1t is not a stimulant and is taken in
teaspoonful doses.
1t is not recommended for everything.
1t is natures great helper in relieving
and overcoming kidney, liver and bladder
troubles.
A sworn statement OF purity is with
every bottle of DIR. kilmer's Swamp
Root
If you need medicine, you should
have the best. On sale at all drug stores
in bottles of two sizes, medium and large.
However, if you wish first to try this
great prepara ton send ten cents to DIR.
Kilmer & Co, Binghamton, n. Y, for a
sample bottle. When writing be sure
and mention this paper.-Advertisemen
The Dolores star., 1922-09-29
z|E|{!l$|!l|B||S!kB{S!lQ|B| k|lBl S|';!:Il

ne did not mind eating cherries he
was very fond of the other things
ne Threw down the cherries, and
when Mr.. Fox had enough he de
cided that he would punish Mr.. Coon
Tor mentioning those sour grapes
The fact that Mr. Coon had been
obiiging and picked the cherries for
MN did not matter at all to uprrate-
ful Mr.. Fox.
lie saw limb that was very slen-
DER and at the end hung two very
large red cherries. BY asking Mr.
Coon to get those cherries he was sure
ne would fall to the ground, for the
ilfnb would be certain to -nap.
Under the tree was a big fiat stone
ana, while Mr.. Coon wears a thick
coat, If he struck on rock he would
be sure to feel it, and then he will
know how it hurts Inc when he men.
tons those sour grapes" he muscd TO
himselr, for when he lands | will
Just mention the fact to him before
/ run off home"
Mr.. Fox pointed to the big cherries,
nut Whht lie uld not see was nest
OF wasps just over them. Mr.. Coon
did, however, and he had no intention
of picking the cherries 1t was the
nest he was after as he crept along.
He was so quick about getting 1t
that before Mr.. Fox saw what was
happening and could run the nest was
on the ground and the angry wasps
were flying about.
Mr.. Coon came down the tree. hut
IT was Mr.. Fox the wasps blamed for
destroying their home, and after him
they went
lie ran for the river to get rid of his
tormentors, and had to swim under
water part Of the way for angry wasps
VIII chase an enemy n long distance.
Nov, l wonder If he did that on
The Dolores star., 1922-09-29
THE HAND OF A SINGER

MANY good authorities on paimistry
AV4 hold that singer should have
stiff hand and pointed fingers. The
mounts OF Venus, Luna, Saturn and
Apollo should be strong, to show. re-
spectivefy, melody, harmony, melody
and harmony.
BY some 1t Is held that the sue
cessful singers hand shows always
good line of Apollo, which runs up
the center of the hand into the finger
of Apollo the third or ring finger.
The vocalist should always have the
finger OF Apollo terminating in
point.
Success in seeking and holding pub
lie favor is indicated by line of for
tune rising from the bracelet, and run
ming to the mount of Saturn, at the
base of the middle finger.
Self-confidence is also required by
the man or woman who must appear
before the public, and this is indicated
by separation of the line of life and
that of the head. A line rising from
the line of life to the finger of Jupiter,
the fore.inger, means ambition.
copyright by the Wheeler Syndicate. tns.,
The Dolores star., 1922-09-29
alIant.

The car was crowded, for it was the
time Of day when workingmen were
returning home from their work
Among the straphangers was woman
who, not being pleased with the service
she was receiving, was trying in Il
roundabout way to induce certain
man to give up his seat Finding her
efforts useless she said in despair,
He would not get up for his grand
mother"
The man referred to, feeling that
forbeurance had ceased to be vir-
tue, turned to his tormentor: do you
think woman should vote like a
man." he asked
81 surely do" she answered
Then stand like a man." was his
reply.-Indianapo News.
The Dolores star., 1922-09-29
1n> Saves Need Buying New Skirt
~ u Putnam Fadeess Dyes-dyes tints you wish
MODERN DANCE SUMMED U2
Many Will Say That Farm Hand Was
Not So Much Out of the Way.
in His Description

Irene Castle said at a luncheon at
Palm Beach:
Some lhen dance in way that re-
minds me of story.
"'HoWdy, Josh farm hand said to
another farm hand. Why amt We
been comm to the new dancin' class
in the Elks' hall down in the village?'"
"'Dancin' class said the second
farm hand. 'Iluw, haw, haw! I
couldn't never learn dancn'.'
sure, We could said the first farm
hand. why, it's dead easy. All We
got to do is keep turnln' round and
wipin' yer feet"
The Dolores star., 1922-09-29
The Wayfarers.

Two wayfarers met on the road to
Normally.
"How's everything" asked the first
traveller.
Rotten" said the second traveller
"How's everything with you:"
The same way. What's the name
of that tavern down the road?'
ITS called Reduced Wages and
offers food and beds tn all who come"
Il know n better inn back this way
bit. called IdlenesS. The food and
beds are poor. but the orltory's
great at"-Birmingham Age-Herald.
The Dolores star., 1922-09-29
5y MILDRED
MARSHALL
FRANCES

fKEEDOM is the Significance of
FRANCES, the name which is used
.efciangeably with only one letters
hefence as a masculine and feminine
Oper name. 1t is derived from the
u.ohic "frei," but, curiously enough,
aue It's first appearance in n near
p'oach to Its present form in Italy,
.e u'e son of an Italian merchant
aue so huent as a French scholar
,he baptismal name of Giovanni
iost TO sight ana he went by the
IL francesca" (The Frenchman).
va. vas tilis same youth who later was
oniled and founded the order of
M mfrahcescan brotherhood.
sue nrst feminine form of the name
'Ae title of the unhappy lady
uoom was SO exquisitely told
an'e In his romance of "PaOlo
s.. ,anc'sca,' which Is one of the
any, NV" stories of literature. San
n.s seSa di Roma was devout
s,e !. ,eo OF great popularity in Italy
N. = iooo there was a FRANCHISE of
- al Cambria.
~ Ires nv came into being through
tauor' who, in honor of Fran
ba, aug of France. and in memory
anao 0wn brief rule on the throne Of
,noo, enristened her first child
pndoS She vas the Lady Frances
TDa VINO established the name in
pn,s" Iuuor court and madS it forever
P.sf ,. in England.
fem,ns s and Frances were both used
tbosa 'l,e , names without distinction
but,ve uays and Frank was the d.
e m.,, bestowed exclusively on Eng
khmona s' The wife of the duke of
all, m was so called and history
ppb,s a. the duke would subdue her
sui pride on occasion by saying:
! v... frank, how long is it since
married to rraunel?" thus