New-York tribune., 1922-09-02

And fve doubt it they'll accomplis
anything, dnytody. For long time /
has been oar impression that Ruseia 1
being run by efficiency experts.
AS we totter into the last Ian O
our nine onths' endurance test Their,
is gloomy satisfaction in the recurrint
appreciation that much longer periods
of endeavor by infinitely better colum
nists have had no effectNupon the error.
and foibles of humanity. For years thu
late B. l.. T. rallied against certain
phrase commonly used by advertisers
and in the last week no fewer than Ave
customers have sent us clippings con
tanning it, to wit: Experience essen
tial, but not necessary"
| CONFESSIONS OF A PINCH HITTER
Qualifications
There is only one quality absolutely
necessary for selection as stop gar
olumnist--meekness.
Wit you may have. A lyric touch
may be yours. You may be equally
adept at irony and punning. Yet
possessing all these and having not
meekness, you are safe, immune
Though you speak with the tongue of
angels and write with the combined
skill of DR.. Frank Crane and the author
of His Honor's letters to Hearst, vet
are not meek, no one can ever force
you to do a column.
On the other hand, If you have o
gentle voice and soft heart and were
raised by strict parents who drummed d
into you the dictum that it is a sin
against God to contradict your elders
some one sooner or later will probably
make you stop gap and run column
for while.
An illness, vacation, a contract or
some other catastrophe will remove the
authentic humorist, and your boss will
fix you with his Ancient Mariner eye
and tell you to take the place of the
absent.
That is the critical moment.
In the hiatus that follows you will
frame, mentally, a passionate pro-
test, filled with "whereases" and ain
consequence thereofs." You will pound
on the table, mentally. You will an
nounce defantly that you'll be quin-
tuple asterisked If you'll do any such
thing, mentally. You will even go SC
far as to cast the rough draft of your
resignation, mentally. and summon out
of the pigeonhole where it has lain
for years that much amended speech
that bitter, sarcastic, pungent, scath-
| ing, address-that you have always
dreamed of delivering the day you
get canned.
And then, all at once, the rebellion
filled hiatus is over, for you, having
meekness, have replied to your boss
"All right, Bill" That's one of the
joys of working on newspaper. We're
like one big family, with not an in
law missing.
"All right, Bill" you say. "But !
do think-uh That is, it seems to me
-uh. Well, If Pm going to do work
of this kind it certainly would appear
to me as if-uh."
BY then your boss has caught your
drift and remarks briefly: 81 have fixed
that up satisfactorily"
And you say, "Well, that's fine" and
go out of his Office hating yourself be-
cause you were too meek to ask what
did he mean, satisfactorily.
The die has been cast. You are q
substitute, pinch-hitting columnist.
Because you are meek.
| The Rio-Lound fiers seem about to
inaugurate another Splash Week.
| Getting out a newspaper isn't really
as difficult job as it sounds. When
space is hard to fill you can always print
dispatches telling about the Greco,
| Turkish War
He Should Have Sat Down Beside Her
Sir: Will you or your readers settle
a question of ethics for me?
Down in the Village recently beau
tiful young lady was sitting on the LAP
Ief gent, when another bird came over
and kissed her. Gent No. raised q
! question as to whether such thing
was purely an academic ques-
tion-and didn't seem able to settle it
PHILIP DE WOLF.
With French dreadnought, Jap.
anese cruiser and an Argentine torpedo
boat sunk within week, it begins tic
look as though this limitation of arma-
ments scheme had at last got into
the hands of Competent Authority.
/ Ireland has swapped the green harI
banner for tricolor standard, and evi
IDENTIFY is also contemplating deposini
the shamrock as national flower ant
substituting the hardy perennial am
bush. r. ".