The Rock Island Argus and daily union. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1920-1923, 1922-05-24

+ u e"'A RED.
TT comes to our ears (if you could see our
ears you wouldn't be surprised that SO many
things come to them) that LADY VINO mao
written probably serious poem and desired
tn see il in NICE black print, was ADVISED 10
submit it to this Shaft of Sapience; whereupon
! great Indignation was evidenced
You see dearly beloved, this is 'funny
column, conceived of Stiffness, born OF non
sense and nurtured by the she-wolVes or I'M
morality and iconoclasm Should seriously
beautiful Tor beautifully serious) poem ever
appear in this colyum-but perish the thought!
We print nothing as the cognoscenu KNOW
save the most ribald contributions They may
appear innocently pleasing to the casual OBJ
server but the penetrating eye instantly dis
Germs the sinister hidden meaning. Fr1nstance,
some of Jay Sigs finest sounding lyrics merely
are vehicles for the most wicked acrost1cs
Don't shoe. Sigh =. Yes, this is funny
column. How funny it is some persons never
will know.
AN OPEN LETTER TO RED.
Dear Red: 1 apologize for starting this
asinine rumpus. I have just read the Matthew's
effusion and my regard for my FELLOW man Is at
particularly low ebb.
/ thought, Red, that two OF us, or more,
could discuss matters in a friendly, courteous
way and carry on an intellectual duel tnat
would be instructive and entertaining. BW L
reckoned without the booboise; and so it seems
that l was wrong.
l presume that your fourth essay is your
last. Rhythm, thought ana your manipulation
of the vernacular were good-but, my dear
boy, you are not feminist.
MARK HE1LMANN
SINCE each of Reds essays carried the cap
ton, -Four Essays. and the last one printed
was labeled Nv, Mr.. Heilmann's deduction is
uncommonly keen-eh, Watson?
IN WHICH ONE VICIOUS ASS IS CAsTI-
GATED BY-WELL, WHAT WOULD YOU?
Dear Mr.. MIG: l have been observing the
cOntribS
credit Red with some amusement but with
growing concern. Mark Heilmanns was puer-
ile utterly devoid of intelligence, and soundly
provincial. 1t was ludicrous, too, but it was
mild David Matthews, however, not content in
merely being an ass. insisted on being a vicious
ass. l can well imagine that he is a Legion
naire in good standing and doubtless charter
member of countless Endeavor Uplift Clubs,
and the High Exalted Gefutus or Vice-Gefutus
of countless more. His is the intelligence of
sap-nosed prohibitionist, the honesty of a
long jawed chautauqua lecturer, the culture of
Mexican gang hand. 1t is natural, of course
that such mind, astoundingly free from any
inward impulse, should be thoroughly conven-
tionalized and should hate any mind which is
not, like Reds which the deadening processes
of Americanization Provinciale, as we know it
so we'll, have failed to mold into another bean
pot
This is my first contribution to any line
since the great spirit of B. L. T. escaped from
this vale of sorrow. hope you will print it:
not that shall feel 1attered, but that Red and
have one champion who will vindicate honest
opinion and enquiry when traduced by such
mountebanks Matthews.
CHoPINAUER
| IAN untried friend is like an uncracked
nut" according to Russian saying.
And often he IS nut
SOON WE SHALL HAVE TO PRINT THIS
COLYUM IN RED INK.
Poor Red! And he turned down our offer
TRANSPORTATION 10 ole no
the good old U. S. A. barred, of course.
1t was bound to come. That warmish day
when Red dotted his coat and strolled down our
own Main street in his shirt sleeves was the
final straw
You can't do it, Red" we warned 1T
simply isn't done in the greatest country ever
invented. You may get fresh with marriage
and with the legion and with those other brave
institutions of our fathers, but this is revolu-
ton, nothing less.
Russia is too good for the man who will
ruthlessly violate such an old institution such
! hrm faith, such an American custom and
SO decidedly safe and sane convention as keep
ing your coat on until June l.
"Red, we warned, I'VE know Won were in
| the service and that you come of good old
Maynower stock and all that But this is trea-
son Put that coat on or we'll have to hang
you to the first lamp post
! But Red didn't. He continued his rod boy
shevistic, anarchistic walk down Main street
And here he is, about to be deported. Poor
Red SPIRTT on nc Jul
SOME day." writes the colyumist on the
Illinois State Register. somebody win write
great play entitled Foolish Husbands and
show them as they are, holding their stanoe-
/ raphers' hands. gazing into their limped blue
In case you may not know. let us e,nla,n
tnat the limp IN a stenographer's eye is caused
! by spraining her retina in an endeavor - 80
/ if her is powdered - sec
Thanks Yourself, Old Top-and We Dars Won
| to De It!
From the Sherrard (Ill) Bulletin
H. E. MCGOWAN who conducts The
tombstone column in the Rock Island
Argus saw humor in the omission of 81
| letter u" in the Headline of The RnIIatin