davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1922-03-05
BY F. P. Pitzer

K TOW that food is 50 high that
N persons who are Ill cannot
afford to rent . nurse to eat
the major part Of It and inasmuch
as doctors when in doubt always
pronounce q case appendicitis II
the patient has sufficient money in
the bank, It 10 we'll for everyone to
know a few things about the care
OF those who are Ill or imagine they
are Ill. and II all the worlds
stage. as the president Of the
Fifth Avenue Bus Line seems to
think. those who imagine them
selves Ill can be referred to a.
Experimentation.
II IL easy to mako yourself .
slave to medicine. 1T II but .
short step from the pill to the pill
age" as old Doc Gun busta recently
proclaimed. Nurses are so fastid-
ious these days that one hardly
knows when to give . powder, but
never forsets when to powder the
nose. And 20 We trust that the
few hints We give below about the
care Of the sick carry, for you. q
good train Of thought. Attention!
First, be sure that your patient
Is not in . folding-b bed, for there
is nothing more annoying, while
puttering around with a patient. to
have his sleeping receptacle shut
up like q 1ack.knife. Il upsets the
equilibrium and other signs Of the
zodiac. II . folding bed 10 used.
however. the patient should be
properly cross-indexed IA red cross.
index nurse could do that efficient.
ly). so that in case he is ccidental.
ly and abruptly flled away he can
easily be located when II 10 time
to give him another pill.
Care must be taken to see that
patient in q foldins-bed, or IN q
delirium, does not touch the self.
starter on his bed. When this kind
OF q transaction happens to . pa.
tient on the mend It might be we'll
when his bed is calm and peaceful
TO allow the motto on the wall to
read: "sleep in Peace" but when
the bed rears up its hind legs and
automatically closes like q failing
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1922-03-05

bond house the motto on the wall
can be turned to read: CLOSED
for Repairs"
Sec that your patient is lying
easily. II he 10 a lawyer this pre-
caution Is not necessary. He'll do
II anyway.
Care must be exercised TO see
that the room is appropriately ar
ranged with furnishings uplifting
and cheerful to the mind and eye
OF the patient. For example. do
not have dangling from q nearby
wall a steel engraving OF the Dying
Gladiator. who looks anything but
glad. The old-fashioned marble
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1922-03-05

clock should also be removed from
the mantel because. to our cooked
but artistic eye. It always reminds
u of . tombstone.
Everything Of . duh or sombrs
shade should be taken out Of the
room, such a. blackberries and
blackjacks, and do not allow the
village blacksmith to call on your
patient.
He should be surrounded by
bright things. Get him several
thousand OF the new silver dollars
and let him gaze at them all around
him.
Judgment, roo, must be used IN
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1922-03-05
You Don't Say So!

v1EN attending Greenwich Village ball is customary
M imagination You won't need It.
Competent housewives found that used Christmas
be made into excellent salads.
1t 10
does with lot Of around the house
Many uhful that when she
fails the she aerwad and
Respondent committed suicide the other day BY tipping
Broadway waiter dime.
Stranger refused order n the Ritz He said
horse and he wouldn't
Genius has invented scftappng cigarette for the benefit
When buys instalmen
him q cottage cheese.
Enforcement Philadelphia dress suits but thcy
easily
Report will
Majestic And
she going to be a oil burner.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1922-03-05
What Is 50 Rare As?

A BOOTBLACk VINO poosn =
~ look at your feet A. you
= - walk by. 70 ,.en.,.>.
A hotel lamb chop that doesn't
resemble a crack in the plato.
An unrouged chorus girl
A third.term President, r'''
A selt-nlled bankron, ..,,,~
A barber who will let you OF
with a shave and a haircut.,
A Judge who will lot 700 on with
q smile and . reprimand.x
A toupee that fools anybody s1-
cept the wearer.
A self-effacing book agent
A serve.self undertaking sstab-
,ishment. d .''
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1922-03-05

town Dy the name On bklnny rig
gins, who Is so-called because he Is
by way Of being quite . skinny
sort OF . guy. and he il never
happy unless he IL getting rich
quick. which he 10 always doing.
He Just hates TO see money lynn
around. He wants to see It out
wortin' for him. which II . very
good plan. indeed. provided your
money II working for the right
party. When your money gets to
working night and day and Sun
days for somebody else the referee
In bankruptcy begins. to get your
thought waves.
This guy is never eIactly down.
hearted or real miserable unless he
cannot see any place in which to
make an investment. He believes
savings banks amt safe, and safety
deposit boxes are the bunk. Real
estate amt no good because .
cyclone Is liable to come along and
blow 1t away. There is no use
monkeying around with 7 per cent
when you can get 81 per cent. That
Is the kind Of . guy this Skinny
Higgins is. believe he bought
gold bricks for twelve years with
out stopping. Whenever he gets .
phony. which is every time. he
says, Missed 1t this time, but
man can't win every time. Gotta
take . chance. II ever get good
one I shall wallow In luxury
"He also has got enough green
goods, which is by way of saying
phony bank notes, to make up the,
value OF ten Russian rubles, which
Is several barnfulls. He collects
$1,000 patent glass cutters and
enough mousetraps to place one in
every home in China. Once he
buys a crayon portrait OF some old
guy he never sees or hears OF be-
fore because he says some day that
guys relatives will want that
crayon portrait right bad and then
he will sting them good and plenty.
well this bird gets rich quick
regular for nfty-seven years. and
when he passed on he left all he
had to tho town. All he had was .
wife and nine children.
81 have always been q very wise,
bird about making my money hon-l
est. There Is no use In trying any
short cut to wealth. What little
I have
"You have got a-plenty." says
Elias @. Higginbotham.
What little got" continues
Quincy, II get legitimate selling .
little oil stock now and then and
playing a few cards and betting on
q fixed race or watering . little
stock. play honest and am
never mixed up in no bucket shop.
which I have got quite . heart, at
that"
'Tt you ever deal any poker
hands to any of them bucket shop
proprietors, they will take of their
hat to you and call themself a
piker," says Elias q. Higsinbotham.
But I don't see how them bucket
shoppers keep springin' up all the
time. Everybody is always knock
ing bucket shops and never nothing
is said in their favor"
There isn't very much said in
favor OF hooch, either" says
Quincy. but people keep on drink
In It."
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1922-03-05
SEH BY the papers quite =
number have been kicking
the baoket of lately" says

number have been kicking
- the bsoket Of lately" says
Eiss Q. Hgsinbotham.
In the words Of the old Greek
philosopher. Erysipeias,"' says
Quincy Todd. you have said some
thing. And also see IS how quite
. number out in Chicago have been
Ponsied out of their hard-earned
dfnsFo. There is one born in this
country every minute and two to
take him.
II don't see how they stand fer .
suy Ike . bucket shopper" says
Elias @. HisBinbotham.
1T amt 30 bad to stand fer him.
says Quincy, as It Is to fall fer
him. There seems to be lurking in
the back Of . good many heads in
this country an ambition to get
rich speedily and to own . limou-
sine or quart or something classy
like that. Money seems to be very
popular. especially among them
which havn't got any Of It.
1T don't reem to cut much ngger
how old the gag is. The old stun
10 great, and l wonder II II amt
time to drag the old gold-brick
game out again. curry It of, put a
new harness on II, shoot . little
dope into It and enter It in the
boob sweepstakes. In the old days
We get an awful laugh when q guy
gets . holt of brick. puts dimes
worth Of gold paint on It and
stands on the corner Of Broadway
and Thirtieth street and slips It 10
some boob for four thousand Der.
RES.
But folks are very wise now.
They have to be bunked up-to-date.
They gotta see some bird sitting
behind . slass-topped desk. with a
blonde stenographer ut his elbow
and . large papier mache safe at
his back before they let down good.
Al . rule they don't buy good
things ofrn sidewalk spectators
any more. They are getting hep.
So wise, in fact, that . young quirt
out in Chicago can haul OK and
walk away with S12 5000 Of their
money and make 'em think he Is
doing them . favor.
"ons thing the people Of this
country are never going to run out
of Is confidence. That is their
middle name. I don't suppose any.
body has bought Brooklyn Bridge
for some years. but . good. bright
salesman to-day could get rid Of It
to somebody II he advertised right.
en- the old days It Is quite poplar
to buy tickets to 60 to grand opry
in tho Singer Building, and to buy
the Public Library for . private
residence, and I dare say there are
stu people who will invest in them
things II the opportunity is offered.
II is only . short time ago q guy
pays 325 for . ticket to see the
woolworth Building turn around.
There are quite q lot Of yaps in
them days, and We get many q
merry chuckle at their expense. but
as people grow wiser and our we'll.
known civilization advances, peo-
pie get moro enlightened about be.
ing parted from their raspberries.
They demand something neat and
not so gaudy as former. Some
thing chic. you underntand, but re.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1922-03-05

SAID the defendant, By way Of ex
- PLANTATION, III I'd had the money
I'd have paid the debt month ago"
All" interrupted the plaintiff,
"that's all very we'll, your Honor,
but II my aunt had four wheels she
might have been an omnibus"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1922-03-05
Over Everything.

FIRST LADY-Too badi Mrs. 8.
always has such asominable
weather for her afternoon teas.
Second Lady--Yes: she never
pours but II rains. .,. &C.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1922-03-05
Another Society
Skin Game

Skin Game
r GAIL to the East. ! ss,i to ths
j West
q With my swsetheass's picture
on my breast.
Many q sweetheart Z have woesd,
And on my person they are oil
tattooed.
am Q pretty we'll marksd-up sport
For I've got . steady In svsry port.
And ever since ! put to see,
A lot Of gals havs had dssIsns on
me.
Old Sea CAantey.
-HE latest snn-sams in 30
cisty circles, they tell us. 10
= tAttooing. Society ladies.
the real smartSsttsrs. are soing In
for It. Some Of them stick to floral
designs. Some adopt the ses-far.
ing styles m anchors, fullrigeed
ships. hearts md arrowv. eagles,
sea-gulls. whales and capstans.
But sim others. marx this veil.
have their husbands portraits tat.
toosd upon their fair skins. These
arc tf.s extremists.
Now, II 70 . scientific fast taat .
tatteo mark does not come OF. II
cannot b donnsd and dotted IKE .
sesuty pot snd - NO Temporary
szDsdisnt HDs . lipst1ck or Q rouge
tssaamsat. Il = much easier to got
nd e . husbsad than to get rid Of
. tattsosd Iict1rs Il him, and
0sss srs tinss b high sesisty
n.y. tsd -, when husbands chang.
hnAds.
4 'dtvs1os can remove almost
aytAing sxospt . tattoo mszk. A
sos3sty nv nay havs . perfectly
nod hsseaaA sos day and the nsxt
~ ~ ~ not b he same sort
- hns6aaA q Al shs nay love
I'm - Dssh 90 day that sAs will
NM ~ portrsk tattoesd On her
ADse - - her arm - wherever Il
= thak ~ ts<tooinS u done. The
pG4 day she nay decide that hs
4Dssst match The Wallpaper and
Asn oampiiosfioas sriss.
u Wild BE- . constant ss1pss Of
suaoyanos 70 Husband No. : to
INV thst Husosnd No. I vss e.,
6eotdsrsd On the lady Tor lifs In
1ssO violet INK, surmounted By .
cupfd with bow and srrow. And
shsa, n Husband No. 3 should
come along and find his bride al
decorated mp with the portraits Of
two former husbands, the plot
would thicken. OF course. there 10
plenty Of room on the average lady
for the portraits Of quito . number
Of husbands II they did not night
for preferred position, but no lady
wants to be strollins Metropoli.
tan Museum OF Art.
The expert tattooist who Il do
ing this work says . great many
OF the ladies prefer butterflies.
Small butterflies are tattooed for
s., while larger ones cost SO. II
one has q coat Of arms II 10 stylish
to have that tattooed in . promi-
nent place. A dragon costs $3.50
A historical scene like Washinston
Crossing the Delaware would COS,
much more.
All husbands cannot be tattooee
at the same price. It costs more
for some than for others for the
reason that those who are wrinkled
require more work. A husband
with whiskers IL also an expensive
scene to tattoo. smooth-faced.
bald husbands are the cheapest.
Tho tattooer can do one OF those
for $3.50.
Il Is a very pleasant and beeutS
ful custom. II has It's disadvant-
sges, Of course. Imagine q societ,
lady with The Landing of the
Purftans on Plymouth Rock" tat
tooed upon her person trying TO
smoke . cigarette or dance any OF
ne latest numbers.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1922-03-05

It's not hard to give up ones seat
In the subway to a stunning blonde,
but the stunning blondes seem to
have other means OF conveyance
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1922-03-05
Pot Shots of a Cynic

ZONE get married by trying:
others are married and find It
trying.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1922-03-05

Even q woman who's not natur.
ally religious cant help praying
that moths won't get into the fur
coat she bought during the January
salea
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1922-03-05

The real test Of . mans love IL
when he has to carry q mattress
upstairs.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1922-03-05

Helen Of Troy had a great repu-
tation for beauty, but she never
had to ride all night in . Pullman.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1922-03-05

No mans as bad as he's psyche.
Analysed.
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1922-03-10
LEGION PLANS FOR
GRANT DAY HOLIDAY
Preparations Under Way for
Observing Gen. Grants
Birthday in City.

Plans for the staging OF a gigantic
public celebration in South Bend
April 27 i'm observing the L. S.
Grant centennial were discussed at
a meeting of South Bend Post so of
the American Legion held Thursday
night in the dug OUT at the Cham
Der Of Commerce.
The local post plans TO have ali
patriotic organizations of the city Co
operate and join with II in making
the observation I'm this city one of
the best held here. According 70 the
plan the celebration will be held at
the auditorium Of the high school.
A musical program accompanied by
addresses delivered by outstanding
speakers viii feature the commem-
Grafton.
Col c. Seymour Bullock. munici-
pal recreatiOnal director, was ap-
pointed 10 have charge OF the ar
rangements for the observance. The
post voted 10 enlarge the committee
furthering Americanization work Of
the organ ization. The Legion plans
20 organize regular citizenship
classes. 4 meeting Of the committee
will be held Tuesday night at the
Chamber TO complete plans on the
work.
Discussion OF routine business &C
cupied the remainder OF the time at
the session.
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1922-03-10
INFANT HORRIBLY
BURNED BY MANIAC
SEEKING REVENGE
Four Months Old Fort WAYNE
Baby Victim of Most
Dastardly Crime.

FORT WAYNE, Ind. March s.
Lying in a little white cot at st. 10
sephs hospital Thursday night with
physicians in constant attendance,
repOsed the victim Of the most das-
tardly crime I'm the annals of Fort
Waynes history. 4 little child, only
four months old. poisoned by the
hand of a demon in search Of re
venge" for some supposed wrong
Late Thursday afternoon. after
nursing the babe the Mother. Mrs
George l. Kloepper, bundled the
little piece of humanity into its car
riage and covered it with its blanket,
softly grooming to IL until it went
into dreamland. She then carefully
locked both the front and rear doors
of her home and told another neigh
Dor that she wanted 10 run Us the
rclghborhood grocery for minute
to purchase articles for her hus-
bands supper. She left her home
and was gone for less than Is min
utes.
Upon returning 10 her home she
was amazed TO see both the front
and rear doors open. and found the
infant Sylvia lying i'm spasms upon
the floor and vomiting from its
mouth a mixture of poisonous sub
stances
on table in the home was found
note scrawled in capital letters
a Revenge" This note detectives
who were assigned to the investiga-
ton declare, is the only clew left
by the person guilty Of the act.
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1922-03-10
STUDEBAKER TEAM
TO PLAY DETROIT
Indoor Game With Rival
Brothers Will Be Feature
of Entertainment.

Saturday night viii be "Stude-
baker night at the Y NJ G. A. Ar
rangements have been made by the
local Studebaker plants TO have the
plants at Detroit send a star indoor
team TO play the local Studebaker
team here.
Each team is rated high in their
respective states and a close. hard
fought battle VIII undoubtedly be
held. owing 10 the rivalry between
South Bend and Detroit employees.
Although this game Is planned 20
feature the program, other games
and entertainment have also been
placed on the card The foundry
team (colOred), viii play a curtain
raiser with Department SO Of Plant
/ al 7:15 o'clock. The Studebaker
orchestra Will be present 10 furnish
entertainment and lead the singing
A big crowd is expected 10 witness
the program. More than $50 tick
etc were sold the first day when the
advance sale was opened
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1922-03-10
new MEMBERS Are
RECEPTION GUESTS
Womans Auxiliary of Amer
lean Legion Holds Banquet
Thursday Evening.

About 200 members or The woo
mans Auxiliary OF the America
Legion. Post so. attended a banQue-
and reception FOR new members heI Do
Thursday night ar 1880 O'Clock a-
the chamber of Commerce EyTu-a
sium-
Special entertainment consisting ~
piano. saxophone and violin solos.
featured the program which follow
cd the dinner The new member
initiated ~ the meeting were. Mr..
Rish. Mrs Wuthrck, Mrs Basil BO-s
and AIns. Cecil Boss
Saxophone solos by OTTO Nmitz
were warmly received Miss Bernlce
Morse offered several piano number
and Gail Ralston pleased With violin
solos
In the short business session which
closed the program % was decided
that the organization donate paiamas
for ex-serE1ce ment az Healthw.n
hoznltaI Material FOR the making
az a number OF suits was ordered
and viii be made up by the organ
izarion members Mrs. Rich. "a mem
her. volunteered 20 donate the MAJ
teral for one sleeping suit As a.
outgr0wth OF a thirnble. held Thurs
day. material sufficient for the maxi
ing Of Il aprons was ordered. A like
number Of members volunteered 20
make the aprons AZ The meeting.
The aprons VII be late- sold for
funds.
Those responsible for the program
were Miss Bess Morse. chairman on
entertainment and Mrs. Natzenhac
chairman on refreshments.
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1922-03-10
ARREST OF THREE
duplicates OTHERS
Walkerton Men Name Michi-
gan City and LapOrte Mer-
chants In Thefts.

Three Walkerton young men to-
day are behind the St. Joseph
county Jail bars charged with break
ing into Baltimore & Ohio freight
cars and removing merchandise
therefrom. They are Walter Kneis-
ley. 26. William Sinclair. jr., %, and
Carl Bradford, p. all unmarried.
According 10 Deputy Sheriff Ora
A Taylor. who directed the raids
in company with h. & o. railroad
detectives. the three men have al
ready confessed. In addition they
have implicated merchants in
Michigan City, a rather prominent
LapOrte man, alleged 70 be the re-
ceiyers Of the stolen goods and the
go-between. other arrests are eX-
pected within a few days.
The discovery of the youthful car
operators who obtained Cigarets
valued at $3.50 and several cases Of
tobacco, was the result of a genu-
inc bit Of detective operation An
automobile seen frequently in Ia
porte and Michigan City was sus-
pected The number was obtained
and sent 10 Taylor VINO learned the
owner from the secretary OF state.
The collecting of additional evidence
was then easy.
Kneisley owned the automobile
and delivered the stolen merchan-
disc. according 10 the confession
Deputy Sheriff Taylor said had been
obtained Kneisley. he said, was a
brakeman employed by the 3. & o.
while the other two men were for
mer employees of the railroad.
Aiding in the capture and appre-
hension OF the three youths, whose
alleged breaking of car seals had
caused the railroad no little concern
were Capt Johnson OF the Michi-
gan Central police. w. Redding
lieutenant Of police on the B. < O..
Grover c. Sapp. chief of detectives
of Garrett. Ind. Edward Schlene
Humphrey Bachman. and II. c
Preston. all railroad operatives.
The first arrest was made early
in the week, but was not made pub
lie in order that additional infurma-
ton might he obtained as 10 the ac'
tivities of the gang. the go-betweeT
and the men who bought the stoler
merchandise.
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1922-03-10
j. QUINCY ANIES.
LOVERS of Music
CiUen Real Treat
In Opheun Bill
Five Acts on Program Radiate
Melody arkins' Quartet
Headliners.

Lovers Of MUSCLE they devotees
OF Jazz melodies. opera selections or
old time ballads-will find a real
treat in store for them at the Or
pheum theater this week. For five
OF the six acts. composing the new
program which opened Yesterday
afternoon at the local vaudeville
house. are replete with music as di-
versified as IL is melodious. Every
thing from Strut Miss Lizzie" TO
Poet and Peasant" is included,
while Silver Threads Among the
Gold" is also offered for the ballad
lovers.
Larry Harkins and his "Monarchs
of Melody headline the bill. but
they are closely pressed by two other
acts, either Of which is good enough
10 headline any program. A musical
travesty, The Three of Us" fea-
turing Charles Harrison and Sylvia
Dakin, with Billy Hogue at the
piano, is particularly good, as the
act attracts from it's absurd opening
to It's equally absurd close. Bailey
and Porter. in their character of
fering. "Neighbors." also went over
big" with the audience.
Harrison Real Hit
For individual hOnors. Charles
Harrison was an easy winner as his
line Of patter. representations and
singing provided plenty OF laughs.
He was ably abetted by his two part
ners in nearly stopping" the show
with their rendition of a classic num-
Der as directed by SOusa.
Harkins' quartet of melody dis
pensers lived up TO their advance
notices in every respect and gave the
crowd / solid minutes of 1922 Jazz
on the jazziest of musical instru-
ments.
Baxley and Porter, pictured rs
representatives Of this and the last
generation, argue and seek to dis
prove each others theories on which
is the best music-jazz or the old
ballads. Neither's case was proved
very cOnclusively as both found
favor with the audience.
Jack Joyce and Clifford and Both
we'll were the other opponents OF
melody on the bill. Boutwell, also
displaying cleverness as an artist IN
his act Bits Of Art"
The Alaska Duo. a clever pair of
/ skaters, and the Weekly News pic.
lures round out the bill.