davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1922-12-02

1t is suggested that IcAdoo hire the
man who overlook and arrested him
for speeding TO be mis- chauffeur dur
ing the 1924 campaign. The former
director of railroads was making
fifty-four miles an hour when he was
overhauled- This is. better time than
most of his trains made while he was
in the railroad business.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1922-12-02

National campaigns are undertaken
in the interest of stamping out tuber-
culosis, cancer and other diseases
which yearly slay their thousands. In
this list of menaces to human life
should be included the grade crossing
New-York tribune., 1922-03-05

the bridge party your wife IS giving to raise
funds for the day nursery. He totters about
the room making jokes about day nurses and
night nurses and breathing Old Crow down
the minister's wife neck. When he shows up
you might just as we'll hand over the keys of
your sideboard, for he viii get in anyway and
it is best to let him exhaust the supply as
quickly as possible.
Almost as impossible is the exact reverse of
this Dissolute Cousn--l refer to the Distin-
guished Brother, who lords it over some fami-
lies il a most trying way. He has been a great
success. He has made money and been elected
10 important political Offices He measures
his phrases, which are made by the mile and
sold oy the foot They are very conservative
and safe. He will not hazard definite opinion
on any subject whatsoever, but he knows how
TO remain silent and look as if ali the wisdom
Of the ages were back Of his CLASSY eyes. Ii he
is interrupted he raises cne large finger and
YOU feel as if policemans baton had hit you
About him hangs an almost religious gloom
The house is shrouded and still during his
visit The children forget TO laugh Even TIE
dog is silent After his departure your wife
New-York tribune., 1922-03-05

: For them the kids sleeping quarters
..,t be rearranged; they must double up, as
). expressive saying is; the east room must
:. nrepared 1t is sometimes necessary to
.1seorate the hall. 81 simply can't bear to
..ss mother see it the way it is I should die
of notification.
Oh very well Let it be done
pu have you ever noticed how differently
husband suggests that they might be able
"a mt ND any relative of his? He introduces
10 subject in yammerng, apologetic way, as
4 his brother or his uncle were low sort of
.r kind of yellow dog of whom he was
Infinitely ashamed.
4oM Jim's coming East" he says, not dar
No to look his wife in the eye.
aUh-huh," says she, over her coffee cup.
Yeah, going to be in town for two weeks in
March Thought we might be able to put
1 lin up, save hotel bills-that is, if''-
BE gets no further.
But that's the very time Ethel is coming
and don't see how we can have them both,
snhs we put them both in the same room.
Ia, ha, ha!'
This monumental crack is thoroughly stand
sd and has been passed by the censor
Smetimes husband struggles feebly, Cant
yeu put Willie in the third floor room and
move the baby into ours'--
Now, you know perfectly well that that
third floor room is perfect pigpen. And |
ant sleep wink with the baby writhing and
gising all night And have you heard the
say she grits her teeth-it's blood-curdling."
"0h, very WE'LL says husband. Let old
New-York tribune., 1922-03-05

now close to each other they all are I'VE are
Just like one big clan" he says, and if you
happen to be sitting up late with him over
lew hlghballs he will usually cry little over
some particularly adored relative "And Bill
ne will say, Brother Bill When | think of
that old boy." and his eyes will fill with tears
And where d2-as Ss:l' live?" ask
In Seattle he says brokenly. Il haven't
seen him for twelve years.
But put some of these dear brothers and
fathers and sisters and mothers all together
in one house and let them live like one big clan
and, oh, boy! it won't take long to develop into
scene of carnage.
Have you ever seen wife and her own
mother attempt to keep house together? Hon
estly, after one month of it the cruelty of
those women to each other would cut your
heart out. Nothing is right The children
are badly brought up, the servants don't know
their places the meals are never on time
everything is at SKIES and sevens. 1t isn't
the husband who rebels against his mother
in-law, but her own child.
| have always thought that the old mother
in-law wheeze was very thin stuff 1t never
was basically true. Mothers-in-law have al
ways petted and spoiled their daughters hus-
bands, and nowadays they themselves the
mothers-in-aw, are SO young and merry they
the best company in the world Do you
observe how clever Mr.. Hogarth with his facile
pen has portrayed the modern mother in-law
in the first Of his charming pictures? Would
she not be nice lady to take to the theater
and a good partner at the follies afterward? i?
And she is a fair sample Of the present day
article / actually believe that wives them
selves invented the mother-in-law joke and
have deliberately poisoned their husbands
minds with it all these years from jealousy.
4 Few Samples
Would that all relatives were as charming
as most OF the mothers-in-law Of my acquaint-
ance but alas! this is not the case. There are
inevitably in every family certain types which
recur so frequently that we may safely gen
New-York tribune., 1922-03-05

r u Il faithful Of Islam, rejoice For
u behold, the winter passeth and the
~ wind from the Red Sea bringeth
spring once more. The bul-bul
"'selh IN the date palm and the almond tree
'N''0''' iorth new sprays of blossom And the
''''Orn maiden anointeth her eyes with kohl
'io ner tresses with henna while NIGHTLY be
u'f barred window of her chamber sound
W.T. 'pe eager voice of the lutte.
'oF spring returncth according TO the will
''''a'i ana her SAVIOR is sweet as the odor of
aVan from Samarkand dangerous is
siance, and she fires the hearts of all men
M 'oy' Plump and ruddy is she and her
Aa'ce 70 the sound of cymbals. Ho, glory
!" Aiiah and to His Prophet, for spring
va again to her own. Joyfully she re-
'4''h' Even like unto Caliph coming back
'' the Beach of Palms to his own place
I've ear then, ye seed of Islam, in this
N. ~ @ ol Joy to the thousand and thirty-ninth
H.. wa oy the Sultana Sharazad to her lord
ss ssf' King of kings, when spring walked
W., s,'setS :, and bazaars of ancient Bagdad,
ssaas '"e story of the good Caliph Hy-lan of the
a,a eouhtenance; of the fashion of his re
d, |: y 'ne city that had safe in shadow with
sr ., ~ ana OF the welcome that men accorded
uVe ear, oh ye faithful, for this, indeed,
n. S'0fs to be told in the glamour of spring
r,s., y came to pass that in the city of the
5sss winter slackened and it seemed as
~ spring stood at the gates to enter. And
sons. ignition of this fact, the janitors of the
tsl. VI the faithful turned off the heat en-
IL :. 'of the sun shone at times, bravely on
eeSs and even began to melt the heaps
D" which the Street Cleaning Depart
saiekly ''' s'''''' '''' A
- entered the lure of .vernal season into
New-York tribune., 1922-03-05

Tennessee mounta aineers he says he is so in
tercsted in. He isn't really but just pretends
so to tease us And, of course, all the rest Of
the family feel the same way about Uncle
Horace. They all want to make him have the
best time at their house so that he will think
Kindly of them and not stick one of those hor-
rid little codicils into his will that have caused
so Jnuch trouble in the world Month bv
month Uncle Horace is passed about, sort Of
grand personal prize in the family competition.
lie may die any moment and we all hope fur
lively that it will be in our own house. which
will give distinction and a sort of proprie-
tary right to his estate
And have you a little Black Sheep in your
home? See the debonair young gentleman
with the bottle rampant! This is the disso-
lutte cousin who never announced a visit. but
Just arrives. He is always partially intoxi-
Gated and has suffered from double hip disease
ever since the Vostead act began to fail to
operate. Dr.. Lorenz the famous Austrian
Tstngeon looked him over and said his case
was absolutely hopeless. This gay young
blade always times his arrivalt to coincide with
New-York tribune., 1922-03-05
Being Fair

Out please don't think I'm slammlne a wom-
"p felatVes and holding up mans. | am
"efeiy pointing out that their statuses Us that
word wonder? 1t looks queer}. their
S'aouses IN the home are different husband
10 see his relatives has to visit them or meet
'''em on the sly his wifes relatives visit him
ooV'ously, however, they are the same kind
y. people, with the same foibles and attractions
husbands should never assume, simply because
'"ey see their own people less cften, that they
are any better than the usual q conic visitants
Many bitter word has been chucked across
'he breakfast table on this SEQ >. and it is all
very unreasonable and absurd.
visited young couple not long ago where
! was the unwilling witness of a most acr;-
monous comparison of their respective moth
ers. 1t began by being sweetly acid. The
subject was, believe. generosity.
New-York tribune., 1922-03-05

"Aiaho akhbar Our Caliph returncth to
his own"
And he spread the news abroad 50 that
the city was in tunlult with JOY, and the cap
tain of the Mamelukes, having charge of the
Caliph's home, rushed through the ngnt 70
that palace to satisfy himself that the cat was
we'll fed and there was fresh gravel in the
cage CT the canary and the contents Of the
cellar were still intact.
Then were swift couriers sent forth with
instructions to spare neither lash nor spur 10
summon the scribes of the Caliph together.
For rroth the Wazir Hirshfield, 'Sperad-
venture <he heaven-born will desire to make
a speech immediately upon his return'
And Abdul ell Inright, the commander of
the Mamelukes, bestirred himself also, for
he called together the musicians of his army
and said to them: "Practce assiduously morn
ing and evening on the fourishes and ruffles,
for shortly we shall have need of them again.
And he chose picked men from his COM
mand bidding them watch carefully for the
advent of the Caliph. For" quoth he, "were
New-York tribune., 1922-03-05

back the crowd in their accustomed fashion -
came to pass TIA. the Caliph went ana none
Scorned his tears
And he rode In ough the heart of his city
to his own place 81 d fell upon the neck OF
his faithful visier s'nn-ott and there dried his
eyes.
Then rose a mighty, tumult among the
faithful who hocked aboat his palace 60 greet
him, end the Caliph, turning to those about
him, asked: SIS it not fitting that l make
speech to these my followers" And whs1
they had thrust the manuscript into his hard
he adjusted his glasses and spoke extenpo-
raneously as follows:
"I an delighted to see you all to-day.
am for the people and against the Interests.
have returned refreshed and will continue to
protect you all against the plunderbund.
may also say, friends, that [ have been
Myered and Untermyered."
Then arose inextinguishable laughter at
this sally and men spake one to the other Of
how swift was the Caliph's wit after his rest
And the lords of the Caliph's household
foeked about him and to each of them ne
bade welcome, save only TO the Commander
of the Faithful, Abdul 81 Inright. Upon him
he fixed an eye filed with sternnesss, saying:
"What are the words from thy mouth that
have come to my during my absence!
Men have told me that thou hast declared,
forgetting thy Caliph, that this my city was
ruled according to the plan of Allah. Speak
and defend t vself ere my wrath descend
upon theen'
Then spoke the Commander Of the Faith
fui swiftly:
Fount of all wisdom. it is only during thy
lamcntable absence that we geek refuge N
such an unworthy substitute.
And after this had been explained TO The
Caliph he smiled, saying:
Il am satisfied. Thou, has done well, oh
Abdul And are the cat and the canary and
the cellar of my own home all In good
condition."
New-York tribune., 1922-03-05
heCa the That Had

By FREDERIC F. VAN de WATER

the hearts Of all mankind so that they dreamed
of their lost loves and sighed windily and
searched with unrequited eyes for the brave
sign Of the book goat swinging in the winds
Of spring
And the magic of the spring entered into
the great bosom Of the good Caliph at the
Beach of Palms whittier he had gone to mortify
his spirit by dwelling Daniel in the den of
the interests. And he sighed 40 j. ally that
the artists of Will ibn Hearst, thr Sheik al
Islam, who were usual taking his picture,
were minded to say "Great Caliph, hold that
pose and, if it be thy will, look a little
pleasanter.'
But the Caliph Hy-lan heard them not, but
beat upon portions of his bosom and cried with
a loud voice: ooh to be in Bushwick for it's
spring in Bushwick now!"
Then sought he the Pasha Wha-len and
spake to him saying: "Behold, ! grow weary
with humbling my spirit through dwelling in
the tents Of the Interests and the voice of the
vernai season speaketh in my ear of my city
left by me so long desolate. Let us
New-York tribune., 1922-03-05

he to arrive without cur knowledge some one
might mistake him for a bank messenger, and
it is no safer to walk unknown On the streets
of this city by day than by midnight"
And throughout the city, from the highest
to the lowest, all prepared to do honor to the
Caliph For it came to pass that the Protec-
tive Order of Yeggmen held special meeting
and arranged to fire salute of safes upon
his arrival. Whereby there arose much dis
cussion in their ranks, for many held that
it were only proper that the salute should be
twenty~one safes, since IN so short time the
Calips was to be President Yet because Of
the shortage of unexploded safes it was finally
decided that he should receive only the num-
Der due his present rank.
Then, when all was prepared, returned the
good Caiiph Hy-lan Of the Ruddy Countsnance
to his OWE. And when he heard the familiar
Gin of his own city and hearkened to the
sound of the industrious yeggmen and smelt
once more the wind Of his homeland filled
with the savor of the garbage fumes on River
side, and saw his faithful Mamelukes holding
New-York tribune., 1922-03-05

then return this day to our own place
But the Pasha Wha-len replied "Mr.
Caliph, or rather let me say Mr.. President,
berhink ye of the fact that thy room is paid
for here until Saturday. Straten thy spirit
still further, oh Protector of the Poor until
that day, then will we return for in sooth
thy city langusheth without thee Walk on
the beach, oh brother of Venus Arise from
the foam and bring JOY to the hearts of the
photographers. Continue thy vigil. Who
knoweth when some toad-entangled jel]yfsh
may need thy ministration.
And the Caliph did as he was bid yet he be
moaned his fate. even as he walked and his
sighs were mingled with the winds of spring.
And it came to pass that very day that the
Wazir Hirshfeld, sitting alone in his chamber,
trying to decide whether Washington orig
inally had enc" or an 20" in front of his
name, suddenly spake aloud, What the
thought waves saying?"
Then hearkened he and at length gave
loud cry Of JOY, and bending the knee bowed
thrice toward Mecca. and rising shouted:
New-York tribune., 1922-03-05

opens all tne windows, as one does a}ter q
funeral to get the odor Of tube roses and black
gloves out Of the curtains
Often the distinguished brother leaves be
hind him al echo legacy in the shape Of his
daughter, the spoiled child, the last of Nh
Hogarths delightful exhibits. She Is one Of
those frightful inventions that has two ponies
at home and of her own and looks al
your vintage Ford with absolute disgust She
completely disrupts your menage, orders your
maid about, bosses your children, pours gold
fish into the paper basket and breaks your
Staffordshire DOG. And yet she has to be en-
dured because she is the daughter of Dis
tinguished Brother. But, oh, how You hate her
and what a gala day is that of her leaving
Thus we see but a few Of the various kinds
Of relatives which we inherit or assume with
our marriage vows. They are, as | said, most
ly the relatives of our wives, because they
really pre-empt the homes and stock them with
their own fish, so to speak. They arc many
and various, but can be endured because they
are part of the price one pays for the posses
sion OF the Incompatible She
New-York tribune., 1922-03-05

severe expression. Is he not odious? Can Won
not tee yourself dsliking this trying child
Irom the very moment he crosses your thresh-
old! HIS name is Edgar. He is your nephew
and ne comes from Brookine, Mass Every
spring during the Easter vacation his mother
parks nm III your care while she goes to Cam
den' Edgar Is the prize pupil of Dr. Banks
Academy IN Brookllne, and his thirst for in
formation is Unsuitable. Notice his beadv ewes
with which he bores you through and through
He begins at the breakfast table asking cues
tlons about things like macrocosas and cereal
dliuents, and if you are lucky enough to escape
TO your office you are utterly untitled for work
On Saturdays and Sundays you are led from
gallery to geological garden via q chain Of
museums There is little Edgar in almost
every family. They just will happen. have
to take my own on these improving iaunts oc-'
caSlonally. The last time we went to the ZOO
l deliberately pushed him flat against the
bars OF The hons cage, hoping that the king of
beasts would haul him through and make
meal of him. But it was Just my luclx--the
brute had been fed half hour :before. and
would not do thing but snore Lions are al
most always that way--the most disappointine
exhibits in the world
ihat sweet looking old gentieman whose
great age is typified by the hour glass is an
other one of those things that we all have to
expect some time. This is dear old Uncle
Horace, who has all the money in the family
and an ingrowing crouch that makes him about
as good company as polccat. Uncle Horace is
firmly convinced that every tendency of mod
ern times is a symbol Of degeneracy Art mu-
sic, literature, dress, dancing, the faster he
comes the quicker he knocks 'em down, and
Humanity in general is on the chute bound
south, hell-for-leather There is 10 arguing
with Uncle Horace. Everything he says is
'axiomatic" 1t is his favorte word And vet
we delight to have the old boy visit US. We
are as sweet and gentle and subservicnt as
possible because want him to like us and
not leave all his money to those grimy old
New-York tribune., 1922-03-05

II understand your mother gave Claras chill
dren (Clara being a sister-in-law) three new
dresses EACH (Snif, sniff
But heavens and earth. she gave us
check for $500 for Christmas."
The battle developed slowly She criticized
he resisted. Just as I thought it was over my
hostess shot over Of those wicked womanly
lefts from an unexpected angle
Have you noticed how your mother
says git for 'get'?"
Mo- he roared, stung by this verbal ban
derilla An attack on ones pronunciation is a
murderous offense.
No, have not. But have noticed that
VOW mother says aint.'"
It's no such thing!'
"She does"
She DOESN'T
And on, eliminating in a stormy flood
and parting shot as she swept of to regions
above
well, anyway, your mothers git is much
worse than my mothers 'ain't'"
Now, really. the two mothers in question are
both most estinlable. People should never be
compared, Personally, my own relatives. both
New-York tribune., 1922-03-05

ln-laws and blood, are
a delightful lot. They
have learned the proper
attitude. They rarely
visit. When they do
they scurry off in a
few days before we
have had a chance to
b a t e them. Conse-
quently we are always
writing them to come
to visit us. 1t is a
treat to see them.
This is the magic eff
feet of absence. How
easily we can love oul.
dear uncles and aunts
when they are far
away! Every once in
a while | meet a man
who boasts about his
New-York tribune., 1922-03-05

eralize and consider
them as s t a n d a L d
models of relatives, the
+ y p e 0 f misfortune
which is apt to happen
in the best regulated
families. These Great
ures visit or must be
visited for various
reasons, some to be cod
died and some to be
cursed. Let us exam
inc a few Of the choicer
c X h j b t S which our
friend Hogarth, with
unfailing accuracy. has
lmnortalized in this de
lightful picture gallery.
Consider, pray, the
young gentleman with
the horn-rimmed auto
New-York tribune., 1922-03-05

TITLE do husbands re-
alize that when they
marry they marry the
wife's entire family. /
..e'O't know why it is,
but he (the husband> is
much more married to
his wife's family than
she is to his. 1t is quite
remarkable. Her mother
her sister, her brother
they are the people.
They are coming to
New-York tribune., 1922-03-05

occupies It, If a husband pre-empts "a ro+ton
niue dark corner for his own retreat be ;s
MADE to feel like something of q beast u;s
hoie is called Den-a loathsono ,vors w..
sure woman invented it. Bemomhar lon.
Mark Sabre hated ito N'
New-York tribune., 1922-03-05

WI the author "
''"P""; uho kanduhos
hare made "The OF the Kaca" famous
New-York tribune., 1922-03-05

Brother jim go check himself in coatroom
for all you care
As say, this pre-eminence of the wife's
relatives is mysterious. can't quite under
stand it. Man supplies the house and woman
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1922-12-04
HOME RANSACKED
VALUABLES TAKEN
Two Suspects Held in Rob
berry of Fetter Residence
Sunday Night.

7. s. Feuer. Cos y. Lafayette st..
reported TO the police at ESQ O'Clock
last night that thieves entered his
home sometime before 7.25 o'clock
and stole pair OF pearl car rigs
gold layalliere two cameo pins
and pair Of long white silk gloves.
The family had ben away for the
week and had returned home at 1925
o'clock last night when Fetter no.
uced man jump out = side window
and disappear down the alley. The
thief had ransacked the entire house
strewing the floors with wearing APP
parel and contents of dresser draw.
erS
Motorcycle Officers Poure ana
Schricker We're sent 10 the Fettcr
home and learned that entrance wa e
gained by prylng off a screen ON a
side window. Two suspects We're
arrested late last night and will be
questioned today by Capt. Hamilton.
Fetter furnished the police with 3
description of the man.
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1922-12-04
GOOD WILL SERMON
GIVEN BY PASTOR
Rev. Beck Declares Good
Is Essential to Spirit
of Christmas.

Preparation OF mind for Christ,
mas was begun AZ Grace NJ. -.
church sunday night with a sermon
by Rev. +. ID Beck on GOOD Will"
When the merchants besin 10 dis
play their Christmas wares IL is timo
for the church 20 begin 10 prepare
the spirits 90 folks for Christian a.
one o. The essentials of the Christ
mas spirit is good viii. The pro-
phets f0retold e as q part 90 Chr.St's
coming: the angels sang it auuounc-
in- the birth Of Jesus, Jesus UbOd-
led 10 perfectly. the early and later
CHRISTMAS have reproduced 10. The
attainment Of perfect and universal
good will means that the k.uEdom
OF heaven has come upon earth.
Good VIII may be defined as
that will that seeks the highest
good OF all The fountain OF it is
love. Jesus attributes Gods good
will toward sinners is born OF love
for sinners. lie seeks their hiEhes.
Eood. The love OF Jesus for folks
gave Him good VIII for all OF them.
Ills good VIII was backed up by
words and deeds that helped obtain
the good ne desired. Just that kind
o. good Will toward al kinds OF
people is what Christ expects OF
those who come after Him. That
kind or good viii makes every one
who possesses l. n helper OF all
Good VIII that seeks the good 81
all is a higher motive for righteous
ness than obedience 20 the COM
mandments Jesus makes TWO COM
mandments Of love encompass all
the law and the prophets. The de-
sire 70 please and help both our
God and our ne.ghbor VIII lead TO
Keeping all the commandments. The
seventh commandment - need ess
for the man who has great respect
FOR womanhood and wants 20 see
every woman pure and fine. Touch
not and taste not is not needed by
the man who wants 30 see no man a
drunkard and no woman and chill
dren .u .!runkard's home. Good
VIII Will reform all things that need
reforming