davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1922-06-11
The National Duly

until somebody claimed his corpus deficit :
As they went to lift his chassis onto stretcher he
bit and snapped at the attendants who accidentally
dropped him on mattress Of concrete The jar Of this
tumble sobered him up for the frst time in ten weeks
And he walked of unassisted.
Bilious wasn't gone long, however. Within few
hours he was back with worse bun on than he left
with. They finally consented to take him into the
Keeey's for scientific purposes only He the most
malignant form Of stupidity they had seen and
their professional judgment would not permit them to
pass up such sample Of inebraton as the speci
men reeling before them. s h.-a -... .-~.a@.
For weeks they studied his traits and characteristics
At rst he was put mild diet Of Of whis-
key and two stems Of gin day. This dose was tenn
pered down to teaspoonful hour until the patient
showed signs Of intelligence which did not occur for
something like three months after his matriculaton.
Finally, during his fourth month Of treatment, he
commenced day to wggle his ears, and the scien-
fists working over him began to take on new hope.
couple of hours later, one Of his nostrils
to twitch. Then one eye opened and he called for
chaser Of water It was the only time in fifteen years
he had been known to speak Of water, either for drink
ing or toilet purposes and it commenced to look like he
was responding to his daily cobblestone messages.
His mind was evidently clipping of some bona fde
thoughts and all they needed now was to get his body
The Washington times., 1922-06-11
WHOOZUS-WHOOZUS

comeback that would take your hat right of Of the
rack =. ~..- Sd.
Bilious early training as stew-bum was the best
that money and experience could buy he started in as
bar-boy and ended up fully licensed bar tender
with sea- going saltwater certificate which allowed
him to practice wherever and whomever he pleased
This permit he kept conveniently pasted on the inside
Of his hat. .>~- .' ... ta#
II he'd ever lost his derby, he would have been as
helpless drowned cockroach in bucketful OF scald
ing lye. .
When he first presented himself to the great unver
sty for diploma, they were chagrined they threw
him ont Of the back door, man has to be far down
the scale Of human derelicts to apply at Keeleys and
not at least land face downward in the front yard but
Bilious McHuggips drew the rear gate with the gar
bage, ashes old shoes and dead tom cats.
At Keeley's a man always out on the third
bounce, same as leadcentered baseball. Bilious was
80 stupid with alcohol he didn't bounce the Gus
toary once; so in order to get rid Of his live corpse
they vent out in the alley and lifted him into the wood
But Bilious played prank on EN-
He wouldnt recover worth darn!
He festered, out there week before he even batted
an eye. Finally he rolled on the starboard side
and started snoring In self defense the neghbors took
up a collection to have him taken to the dog pound
The Washington times., 1922-06-11
WOMEN VOTERS DO NOT FEAR RAIN

Senator Ashurst Of Arizona con.
firms the fact that women vote
no matter how inclement the
weather in his State. It does not
rain much In his State and they
seldom have . blizzard, 90 pre-
sumabiy II must be on days when
they have . high wind that men
AVOID the polls.
The women are faithful to
their sovereign rights a. citizens
In my State and they vote"
Mrs. Maud wood Park. Of the
League Of Women Voters, has got
It all doped out why men are %
shy about voting. She says that
psycho-anaiysis would explain
II. when the present male voters
were little boys Of Four and five
they used 70 ask there mothers
about . number Of things, Upon
aii religious and moral questions
her authority And ability 10 sivs
correct answers was net cues.
tionsd. but whsn u came TO.
The Washington times., 1922-06-11

election day to keep the women
away from the polls.
Talk about hens budding to-
sether upon the approach Of .
shower, you ought to see the way
the Main street lounge lizards run
TO cover especially on election day.
Within the long suffering. but still
hospitable. confines Of the corner
drug store they are generally pro-
tected from the fierce elements,
an April shower.
they don't dare dodge around
the corner to the polls all day for
fear Of getting . spot on their
stepping-out suits. In dispellins
the -monotony they watch the
women sloshins to the polls.
Gee whiz look At the skirts 20
by" 10 their original way Of az.
pressing their emotions.
After 9 o'clock. whsn the polls
close up and the movies open, Il
can rain In torrents, but the movies
viii be packed Just The sanA
The Washington times., 1922-06-11

and Attention than the Children of
Club Women.
About the only Little Ones who
got into the Country In the Sum.
mer were the Homeless Waits.
As for Colleges. they had multi
piled so rapidly that all through
the Middle West II was practically
impossible to get Harvest Hands.
1t began to look AZ though the
benevolent Millionaire would have
to burn his Money or else leave
II to the usual Nephew who Live on
High Balls ana Musical Comedy.
Surely there II Suffering some
where in the World" said the par
picked Millionaire. "Some one is
waiting for q Helping Hand. Now
to find him."
He began Q careful Study Of 3d.
cial Conditions and soon discovered
that the real Sufferer. the mute
and patient Victim who was get
ting the Hooks oftener than any
one else, a. the poor Reptile whose
wife got UP In the Morning and
grabbed the Paper to see II the
Family was mentioned.
The Washington times., 1922-06-11

own principal Residence streets?"
asked the phiianthropio Million
aire.
So he founded and endowed q
Society for the Relief OF those
who are Invited Out. The Pur.
pose Of this glorious orsaniza-
ton was to prove that Enter.
tainments should entertain.
As a first Move, the Benefactor
invited all the well.known Cit.
liens to a Formal Dinner in
honor Of q Statesman who wore
Medals for talking against Time.
All the Local Orators who
were accustomed to paying for
their Plates by telling the sarne
Stories that used to 60 20 well
In the early days Of Mcintyre
and Heath were on hand
A feeling of Sadness seemed to
brood over the largo Assemblage
until 1t was discovered that in
front Of each Plate was q Card
saying that any one attempting
to make a Speech would be
thrown out on his Bean.
The Washington times., 1922-06-11

He was the banner Patsy Of all
Creation and hs was the Boy that
was praying for some one TO come
along and throw him . Life Line.
MISERY IN OUR MIDST.
BY further Investigation the
uiti-Millionairs was Mortified to
learn that here in this smiling
Land Of Plenty there were thou.
sands OF sad.eyed Men and Women
who put on their Good Clothes when
they would rather not do %, who
went out when they would rather
stay at Home, who Ate when they
were not Hungry. Drank when
they were not Thirsty, Conversed
by the Hour with People who bored
them. listened to Speeches they
did not want to hear, applauded
Vocal Music that was too fierce for
words, fondled Infants they wanted
to throttle, and read novels that
drove them. sasping, out into the
Fresh Air.
"oh, why should We send Relief
Ships to India when there II 90
much Misery right here In our
The Washington times., 1922-06-11

ONCE there was . ulti-Million.
aire who felt Jealous when he
saw John d. handing his pet Uni.
versity another Million every time
. new Student Matriculated and
others scattering their gifts and
benefactions about.
He saw that q very Rich Man
who wishes to be Respected must
All his Clothes with Currency and
90 out and slather It around and
hoiler for everybody to have Some
thing on him and keep the Change.
He decided to follow the prevail.
ing Fashion and spend his Money
before he died. thereby giving the
Ha-Ha to the Legal Profession.
But when this would-be Philan-
thropist rot ready to cut the
Strings on his Bundle he struck .
1naR.
The Philanthropy Business had
bean overworked.
Every Town large enough to be
Indicated on the Map had a Car
nsgis Library. He found that the
Orphans were receiveins more Care
The Washington times., 1922-06-11

did was to offsr . Cash Bonus
to any one giving . Reception
at which there would BE- no
Standing in Line ana shaking
Hands!
Also 1t offered annual Salaries
to all Celebrities who refrained
from reading long.winded Papers
to helpless Organisations.
A special Fund was set aside
for the purpose Of having Chill
dren in the Public Schools taught.
By means Of Charts. the Deadly
Effects Of the Lap supper.
Then the Society offered .
Bounty Of Two Dollars for the
Scalp Of any Person guilty Of
Amateur Thsatricais. and . Re-
ward Of s1oo for the Body. dead
or alive. Of any one proposing .
Lady Minstrel Show.
A diamond-sncrusted Brooch
was offered to every Young
Woman who would pledge herself
never to sing anything that she
learned at the Conservatory.
Special Endowmsnts were OF
The Washington times., 1922-06-11
ACTOR WHO TOOK A BRAND NEW TACK

Three or four Of the spell-
Binders were temporarily stunned.
but the Main Bunch laid their
Faces down among the Cut
Flowers and wept for Joy.
The Dinner proceeded with tre-
mendous Enthusiasm. There were
no Dark Clouds on the HoriEon
threatening . wind-storm.
No one was wondering how long
the Mayor or the Congressman
was going to Spout. or whether
they had Manuscripts concealed
on their Persons. No one said
anything about the Feast Of
Reason and the Flow Of Soul.
The Man with the Megaphone
Voice out no Ice Whatsoever. for
they had him sewed UP.
Every one went homo feeling
good.
THE DEADLY LAP SUPPER
Next Day no iess than forty
grateful Person stopped tho Re-
former on the Street ana bade
him Godspeed In his Noble Work.
The next Thing the Society
The Washington times., 1922-06-11
By CAROLYN VANCE

The Rspubiicsn women partie-
ulariy are sadly lacking IN poiit-
ical power. There are seven
women who have been appointed
mot siects0 on the Republican
executive COMMITTEES. which 10 an
adjunct to the Republican National
Committee and 10 the motor power
which runs the national com
nittee. Altogether there are
fifteen members on that committee
and seven are women. That would
be fine II the women had . vote.
but they do not. It seems, They
are on the committee IN merely
an advisory capacity. Out in
Indiana, In ths State Republican
crganixaten, they are THINKING
Of Giving . vice chairmanship to
q woman. attaching . vote along
with Il That sounds awful
ssnsrsus doesn't II.
The psnecrats. on the other
hand. are going fifty-fifv with
The Washington times., 1922-06-11
Bv "BUGS" BAER

BE rot so that he and three other men would hang
out in the back yard playing poker without any cards
They went through all the motions, dealing and rak-
inr in chips and nom thought that maybe Uncle was
going what they call cuckoo.
She sent me around for the doctor to look him over
and after seeing the shape Of Unces head the Doctor
asked how long it had been shaped that way. Nom
told the Doctor that Unces head was that way all his
life So the doctor told her that it would never get
any worse because that bad at the start and after
a mouse was drowned it couldn't get any wetter.
What finally cured Uncle Of the gambling habit was
being bitten by bulldog.
The dog bit him on the left leg.
Uncle had two legs, but one Of them was wooden.
The right leg was the timber and the left leg was
meat.
When the dog bit him the meat leg, Uncle got out
his pencil and figured close he doped that for once
in his life he started with chance. With fty
per cent chance Of being bitten the wooden leg the
dog had picked out the other.
So he quit gambling. he couldn win with fifty,
Der cent chance he figured that he might as well quit
gambling altogether.
And he did
The Washington times., 1922-06-11

AZ least that 10 the way . stu.
dent Of Freud would dope II out.
Now that mothers have IN oppor-
tunity to vote. the present five
ysar-oid generation will have q
different impression made upon
their suboonsious minds, and pre-
sumabiy In twenty years or 20,
100 per cent Of the population
will attend TO IL first duty
Of q citizen, the duty Of voting
regardless Of weather conditions.
Women leaders In politics are
asking why women are not given
more power within their parties
when II has been shown oon-
ciusiveiy both In indiana, In the
New gsveridss affair ana in
Pennsy iSsnia during the finohot-
Aitsr\ 1Rsntest that women have
net My . keen interest In
politics. but are wiling 70 turn
cut In srsstss aunssrs - slss'
tisn day.
The Washington times., 1922-06-11

WHATS Uncle Joe. He awfully stngy and 50
lazy that his best suit was his working clothes.
He wasn't bad looking man, and didn't inherit the
big family mouth He used to say that grapefruit was
invented for people with big mouths, who really liked
oranges.
You could tell any of our family wherever you went,
because their mouths looked like China closets with the
doors open and in while there gold tooth
that looked like collar button the keyboard Of a
piano.
Uncle Joe had some bad habits. He would gamble
anything, dice, cards horses He was always
going to make big winning some day on the Hon
duras Lottery He had his house papered with elapsed
lottery tickets and left to make rugs with
He said that if he knocked off the big prize he
would his money and have every bank in the cou
try laying eggs for him.
But he never got within adding machine of the
prize number. Once he had 67 9S7 and 7189 won and
he took his ticket and tore it up slowly he realized
that it meant just much in pieces it did whole.
The truth is that it did, because those Honduras peo
pie never gave any money away Some days you would
hear that George Smith, at No. 1919 Twelfth street.
won $4,000 But when you inquired at that address
there wasn't no George Smith living there and if he
The Washington times., 1922-06-11

the women apparently. A national
committee woman and . national
committee man from each State are
on the Democratic national com.
mittee and the national committee
woman has . vote equal to that
of the national committss man
That would seem like . great con.
oession to women. and It 10 In the
States where the women Of the
state are allowed TO select the
woman. But In those States where
she is appointed by politicians
she 10 quite apt to bs merely .
tool In their hands.
Elections laws In many States
have to be entirely revised 70 give
women legally the same rights
within all parties a. the men have.
The wemen will never find Il 50
deviiish wet that they are not
able to crawl around the corner to
the polls and vote against the
party that win not acceds 70 their
demands.
The Washington times., 1922-06-11
RAINY election day.

"a Fine Gay Tor laIno ducks.
IA We read: Hank Corntas-
eel. the reform candidate for office
sf county dog catcher, was defeat.
"a today. Rain was responsible
DOR the light vote and the defeat
Of Hank"
II seems the ring voters always
vote at least once. rain or shine.
But the reformers' friends are al
ways afraid they. might melt II
compelled TO meet up with . few
yaindrops In going to the polls.
That's the way 1t used to be.
but the women are changing all
that. You've heard Of all the re-
formers who are landing offices
this spring, and It has been fairly
vet season, too. You can't keep
the women away from the polls
though Il rains cats ana dogs"
II has been suseestsd thV tine
powers that Be IN the ring order
the omnipotsnce 10 rain mice on
The Washington times., 1922-06-11
And he did.

fered to Colleges on condition
that Graduates should not be per-
mitted to arise on . Hot Day
and quote from Freud
A largo Sum was set aside to
secure the passage Of . Law pro-
hbiting the sale of Flutes to any
one except . German employed
in an Orchestra.
A Hall Of Fame was established
for Bridal Couples that refused
to take Presents and cut out the
Reception at the Home Of her
Parents.
FREED0M AT LAST
Then the Multi-Aziiiionairs In
ausuratsd . Grand Movement for
the final Emancipation Of those
who wear Dress Clothes-
He worked on the Legislature to
set aside three Days IN every
Week for the private use Of
those who want to do a. they
please without being pulled and
hauled.
Any one who broke In on these
The Washington times., 1922-06-11
Bv GEORGE AIDE

days with Invitations was liable
to Prosecutions, the Penalty being
. Fine or Imprisonment, or both.
BY the time this practical
Rsforrner had spent . couple of
Millions helping the unfortunate
Upper Glasses to throw off the
shackles. he was the most pop
ular Character In the Country.
His heroic Example induced
many weak and faltering Souls
to swear off on the Entertain
ments that had bean slowiy but
surely leading them towards the
Foolish House.
After he passed swsE his
Statue was set up In every Park
and his Birthday was observed
In the Public Schools with .
Half-Hohday instead Of . Pro
sramme Of Recitations and
Speeches.
MORAL: Some People are TOO
Polite 70 call for Help.
The Washington times., 1922-06-11
Then Compare It With His Ticket.

in Honduras-man, woman and strangers. Then he
would 60 right out and buy another ticket and promise
to pay for it soon as he won the prize
Every month he would get big sheet Of paper from
Honduras with of numbers it. He would read
it and then look at the number his ticket His head
would keep bobbing back and from the paper to his
ticket until he looked like crow in cornfied watching
out for farmers.
But it was something like Quaker arsenal with
nothing but blank cartridges in it.
The Washington times., 1922-06-11
Called for q Chaser Of Water.

Called for Chaser Of Water.
menced to curl up like thin svers Of bacon on tepid
griddle.
Bilious Ultimately got sobered-up, but he never
looked the same That trip through the lingerie grinder
Aattened him so completely that you couldn't see him
from the side at all -.
He is alive and unhealthy today and walklng ex-
ample to those who think they can drink bootleg ONT
ment as fast as it is captured by revenue buns.
The Washington times., 1922-06-11
By KIRK MILLER

to respond with little animation. Six Turkish bath
rubbers were imported from Turkey to manipulate his
body tendons while aienists from Portugal treated his
head halyards.
In desperate effort to save Bilious life they
him through wash wringer. After thoroughly squ-
geeing him. they pinned him ont on the clothes line to
dry out and when the warm sun hit his spine he COM
The Washington times., 1922-06-11

~ HIOUS McHUGGINS was the best cash customer
X the Keeleys ever had their sanitarium mailing
- list. #" #&@.t----
They guaranteed to the best drunkards earth
In week and Bilious held the Keeley Institute record
Of having been partially cured fftytwo times year
for seventeen years foot-running t..r...
Bilious would be discharged at p. m today and by
The Washington times., 1922-06-11

matter Of no consequence in their
small niinds and that impression
was carried In their suboonscious
mind up into their voting ysars,
though naenaery q their mothers
vstsisss csnditisa did not register
In their conscious rnindA
The Washington times., 1922-06-11

politics she would have 10 pass It
up to father.
Mother. why don't you 20 to
the polls and vote like daddy
doss." they would ask.
When they found that rnsther
aid not vote they considered tAs
The Washington times., 1922-06-11
sked II Uncle's Head Was Always That Way.

He Asked II Uncle's Head Was Always That Way.
started to bet on the races He made what boomakers
call laundry wagers
Laundry wagers are something about betting on the
cuff and the bookmakers used to laugh at Uncle when
he would motion for them to give him fifteen to one
which would make thirty to two for two cuffs
After that, he got discouraged and took to childish
gambling like pinochle and casino. All us folks used
to try to get him to stop figuring out percentages with
borrowed lead pencil, but he went right on trying to
pencil his way into some money
The Washington times., 1922-06-11
THE FAMILY ALBUM

did he was six months behind in his rent.
Uncle Joe used to play those lotteries every month
like people took baths You couldn't convince him that
it wasn't crooked the chimney on shanty In q
hurricane.
He would swear off the lotteries and everybody
The Washington times., 1922-06-11

Uncle Joe never anything the lottery, but he
didn't stop until Government made it illegal for
any foreign country to swindle q. s. citizens when
there was so many home industries waiting for their
chance
The Washington times., 1922-06-11

After lotteries turned sour in the o. S. Mails, Uncle
The Washington times., 1922-06-11

MORAL: Some People are TOO
Polite 70 call for Help.
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1907-1939, 1922-01-10

president; Mrs. Lowell Raney, secre-
tary; Mrs. Oscar Sullivan, assistant
secretary; Mrs. Clarence Dean, treas
urer; and Mrs. Frank Klinert, assist
ant treasurer The society decided
that future meetings are to be held the
first Wednesday in each month. The
evenings program included a devotion
al by Mrs. Charles Groce, reading of
the partially prepared program for the
year and the Bible story of Abraham
told by Mrs. Clifford Haworth. A social
followed and luncheon was served by
the hostesses who were: Mrs. Law
renee, Mrs. l.. E. Wentz, Mrs o. f.
Weaver, and Mrs. Carl Trufler TWEEN
ty-one members were present. Two
new members were taken into the
club.
Mrs. Ora Wiley was given a surprise
party Monday evening at her home on
North Eighteenth street by members
of the Universalist Mission circle, of
which she is a member. Games and
contests formed the evenings enter
tainment after which two-course
luncheon was served. The guests
were: Mr.. and Mrs. Ed Owens, Mr..
and Mrs. Harry Golden, Mr. and Mrs.
Benjamin Barr, Mr. and Mrs. Law
renee Hoover, Mr. and Mrs. James
Eaton, Mr.. and Mrs. Ora Wiley, Mrs.
Andrew Roser, and Lewis Wiley.
An appeal for pieces of material,
either cotton or wool, with which to
piece comfort tops, is being made by
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1907-1939, 1922-01-10

Roy Weatherby, Herbert Pottenger.
Earl Shelley, Orville Davis, Edgar
Statzer, Mr.. and Mrs. Forest D. Dru-
ley, Mr.. and Mrs. John Statzer, Mr..
and Mrs. Thollie Druley, Mr.. and Mrs.
George Cummins, Miss Rhea Statzer,
Byron Druley, Darrell Shelter and Tom
my Statzer.
The Maids of Honor were entertain
ed informally Monday evening at the
South Eighth Street Friends church.
Josiah Marvel talked on his expert.
ences in Europe, his address being the
chief feature on the evenings pro-
gram. Those who attended included:
Mrs. BENJAMIN Johnson, Miss Mary
Hodapp, Miss Emily Roberts, Miss
Ruby Gilmore, Miss Helen Stewart,
Miss Edith Evans and Miss Pauline
Butler. The class holds its next meet
ing on Jan. %, at the church. Miss
Pauline Butler will act as hostess at
that time.
Miss Mary Reinhardt was hostess to
the Five Hundred club Monday even
ing at her home in Washington court.
Cards were played, after which lunch
con was served to the guests Those
NSIC. MISS 11dHoT,
Miss Dorothy Korves, Mrs. Ray Camp.
bell, Mrs. Cedric Johnson, Miss Edna
Stanford, Miss Doris Pickett, Miss
Gertrude Eggleston, Miss Josephine
Hiatt, Miss Ogen Shelton, Miss Esther
Reid, Miss Katherine Binkley, Miss
Helen Bentlage and Miss Mary Rein
hardt.
Happy Hour Dancing club members
were guests at dance given Monday
evening at the |. o. o. F. hall. Music
was furnished by the Melody Enter
tainers. Those who attended were:
Mr.. and Mrs. W. C. Mark, Mr.. an6
Mrs. Hans Wagner, Mr.. and Mrs. C
Gier, Mr.. and Mrs. F. A. Vossler, Mr.
and Mrs. F. o. Smith, Mr.. and Mrs
J. E. Donson, Mr.. and Mrs. r. P
Strohm, Ralph Hossack, Miss Eva
Schultz, Harry Foley, Miss Leah Nor
row, Mr.. and Mrs. Ray Wright, Mr.
and Mrs. Lawrence Schultz, Mr.. ant
Mrs. George Harlins, Mr.. and Mrs
Lee Flora, Mr.. and Mrs. l. j. Hollar
Mr. and Mrs. Ernest Hines, Mr.. anG
Mrs. James Noggle, Mr.. and Mrs. H
McClelland, Mr.. and Mrs. Jacob Rife
Mr.. and Mrs. Floyd Stout, Mr.. ant
Mrs. Ed Flood, Mr.. and Mrs. Henry
Knopf, Mr.. and Mrs. Leslie Cox, FREQ
Mahret, Mr.. and Mrs. E. E. Orr, Mr.
and Mrs. Harry E. Young, Mr.. ant
! Mrs. Walter Senior, Mr.. and Mrs