davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1922-09-10

out through a Transom t9ee days
after he drew a Desk In the ex.
tensive Works owned BY the
Governor.
He was too busy keeping his
Head above the Churning Waves
to bother with Speculative Phi
losophy or write Letters studded
with Latin Phrases. like Currants
in an English Cake.
HEART CAN'T BE WARMED.
All the cringing Poems in the
big Stockade hated him because
he had Drag. 1t was up to him
to deliver the Merchandise and
demonstrate that he was Q Human
Being rather than Q College
Graduate.
In the meantime, the Spectators
were hoping that he wssld Skid
and go into the Fence.
He began to wear his Frat pin
on his undershirt, and he had no
time to frivol away on the fluffy
Gender, because he expected to be
sitting in the Directors Room In
a couple Of years, talking II over
with Charles NJ. Schwab.
So he waved aside the Square
Envelopes and allowed himself to
be billed all over the Macaroon
Circuit as a Woman Halter.
OF course he girded in a con.
servative way, but he merely
trailed. He did not buzz, or throw
himself at the fallen Handkerchief.
or run to get the Wraps, or do any
Of the Stuff that marks the true
and bounden Captive.
When he found himself in the
cushioned Lair Of a Feline. hs
would lean back in perfect
Security. knowing that even IL
she exercised her entire repertoire
Of Wiles, she could not warm the
Dead Heart nor stir into life the
fallen Rose Leaves Of Romance.
All the time she was spilling her
familiar line Of Chatter, he would
look at her with an arid and
patronizing Smile, such as the
Harvard Man produces when he
finds himself in immediate juxta.
position TO some human Cater
pillar from west Of Pittsburgh.
Walter at the age Of twenty-five
thought he was too old and ssdA.s
The Washington times., 1922-09-10
THE INTERMITTENT FUSSE,R

The whalebone Divinity in the
Home Town passed out Of his Life.
He told himself that he would be
true to Miss Normand and all the
other Members Of her sprightly
Profession.
The emotional side Of his unfold
ing Nature began to nourish itself
in Song Hits and he slept each
night with his Taro-Patch Fiddle
folded tightly to his Bosom.
He became acquainted with
Sophomore who once sat near
Delysia in Parlor Car. One
night Mary Garden looked directly
at the Box in which he was seated
with the other Fraters Of the Ippy
Ki VI. In fact, his Life became
crowded with tingling Experiences.
He danced with the local Chicka-
dees. but all the time his Heart was
far away, in the Dramatic Column.
Suddenly he found that he Was
an Upper Classman.
He became endowed with the d.
vine Right to sit on a hallowcd
Fence.
Simultaneous-like he became con.
scious Of the fact that the Film
Favorites were no longer worthy
Of him. He began to hold long
and serious Conversations with the
Sister OF a Prof.
She was an aerial Performer who
looked as II she had been sitting
up all night. writing a History Of
Civilization.
Walter found himself uplifted
every time they were left together
in the Library. Sometimes she
took him up so high that he be-
came dizzy.
He now began to prog as fol-
lows: He and the Lady Emerson
would be legally welded just after
commencement and spend the
Honeymood at some lively Chau-
tauqua.
He was in the moulting Stage,
and 1t seemed to him that Success
in Life would consist of going
about reeking of Culture.
A Degree looked bigger than
Dividend.
He never had heard tell Of such
a thing as a Coal Bill or a Special
Assessment for a Sewer.
The visions of Elfreda noated
The Washington times., 1922-09-10

So he decided to have q try at
the Gay Life and worm his way
into the Safety Vaults via the
Parlor.
A worthy Resolve and one often
taken.
If Friend Of the People can
capitalize his Vocal Cords, why
should not the little Brother Of
the Rich put his undying Nerve
into the Market and get what he
can on III
The Captain Of Finance is
usually owned, Body and Soul. by
the other Half Of the Sketch. She
may not be a Beaut, but II is
She who stands at the main en-
trance to the Big Tent and tears
off seat coupons.
Walter knew that IL he wished
to be mentioned all over town as
a Sure.Enough, his passport to
the Inner Circle Of Hot Potatoes
would have to be vised by
Patroness No. /.
He began to work in the Secret
Service of the Chosen Few and
was First Aid to the Chaperons.
HERO, BUT-HE FALLS.
A Hard Life. say you? Not
tall-not a tall.
He was entirely surrounded Ly
Fairy Lamps and sweet-smelling
Flowers.
Life became a Kaleidoscope
Aurora Borealis.
When the first Crash Of Music
came through the hothouse Palms,
Walter would be out' on the
waxen Floor with his hair IN a
Braid.
Through the long watches Of the
night he played Blonde against
Brunette and then went home
with his Time-Card bearing the
official o. K.
He swan among the floating
Hooks and side.stepped the Ma.
ternal Traps. until the compilers Of
Marital Statistics had, his name IN
the list marked Nothing Doing"
The Dope on him seemed 10 be
that he was Immune and Jink.
Proof.
After he led one OF them back 10
q Divan and fed her an Ice. Il was
case OF Good Might Miss
Mitchell"
The Washington times., 1922-09-10
By GEORGE AIDE

When she seemed cold and
distant, he would hurry to his
Room and pull a private Brain.
Storm. For many Hours there
after the Map Of the World would
have a Black Border around It.
Next day she would relent and
accept his Jack Roses, and he
would run around and around IN
a circle. gurgling and clapping his
Hands.
He was on the waiting list for
the Nut Club. Our Old Friend
was flooey in the Filbert. The
Love Bacilli swarmed in every
part Of his Being.
When she found that she had
him sure enough Lariated. she
eased UP on her part Of the Work
and began a public demonstration
Of Woman's Power and Dominion
over the Brute Creation.
Any time she snapped her
Fingers. he sat up and Begged.
Then she used to carry on with
certain Men against whom he had
warned her. 1t amused her to
know that he was walking up
and down outside, chewing the
White Gloves.
His friends tried to save him.
They demonstrated, with a Pencil
and q Piece OF Paper, that she was
just an ordinary, everyday BsbS
Doll with a Second Reader intelli
gence and the Spiritual Caliber Of
a Humming Bird. They proved
that exactly the same kind were
scattered through every Depart.
ment store. working for $40 q
week.
When they got through knock.
ing. he hurried over and told her
everything and promised her that
II she would marry him. not one OF
these Snakes would ever be per.
mittsd to enter the House.
She looked out the Window and
yawned slightly and then said,
"oh, very we'll"
He rode home standing up In
Tasicab. while she was show ng
the Maids a lozense- shaped Ring
that set him back $50 Bucks.
MORAL The higher they ny the
harder they fall.
tCepyrisht, isis, BY the Bell
syuaieate. Incl
The Washington times., 1922-09-10

Truly, q Bachelor flown with
Insolence and Pride is the favorite
Mark for the Bow-and-Arrow Kid
For every weather-beaten Beau
and Ballroom Veteran there is
waiting somewhere in Ambuscade
a keen little Diana with the righ:
kind Of Ammunition.
One night he went to a Small
Dance in his regular John Barry
more suit and wearing a tired look
around the Eyes. He counted
these minor Functions a dreadful
Bore.
Over in a corner sat a half.
portion Damosel who had come to
town on q Visit. Her name was
Violet, and she looked the Part.
She didn't know who was run
ming for President or what Mr..
Bryan said about Evolution, but
she had large belladonna orbs,
with Danger lurking in their
limpid depths.
Old Daredevil Dick. the Hero
Of 1000 Flirtatiohs, was sitting out
one of the Dances recently con-
demned by Press and Pulpit.
He became aware Of the presence
of something Feminine at his i'm.
mediate right. He took a eau
tious Look and beheld a timid
Debutante, sparkling with the
Dew and waiting to be plucked.
She gave him a frightened Smile
and lamped him very slowly.
Suddenly he felt himself waited
away on a cloud Of Purple Per-
fumery.
She had put the Sign on him
without lifting Finger.
As she circled away, clutched by
a rude Collegian. he lay back
helpless. tied in a True Lovers
Knot.
Later In the evening he met her.
He sat alongside OF her In an
agony OF confused Bliss, with a
Temperature Of i04 and the Vocal
Chords entirely paraiyzed, And
yet, as q rule, he was just as re-
liable as a Phonograph.
At Z O'Clock the next Morning
he began sending Flowers.
II was . terrible Case. The old
ones seem 10 suffer more.
He followed her like a trained
Spaniel.
The Washington times., 1922-09-10
LOVE LONESOMENESS
(Contributed.l

(Contributedl
Jest kinda lonesome all the while,
Jest sort of feelin' bdue;
Seems rs II Jest can't smile,
Cause I haven't got you.
Jest sort Of tired and listless like
When twilight shadows fall;
When brides chirp their bedtime
song,
miss you most Of all.
Jest a sort Of hopeless gloom
Seems hangin' over all,
And / wonder somehow, some
where,
You can hear my call.
Then q sort of peace comes stealin'
Jest as II you knew
My achin' hearts deep feelin'
When I'm lonesome Jest for you.
The Washington times., 1922-09-10
HEARD AND SEEN :. A
$500 STYLES OF COFFINS.

Maybe you don't know that there
are $500 distinct varieties Of cof-
fins sold I'm this country. Maybe
you are not particularly interested
In that subject right now. There
are 1,200 styles In wood caskets
alone, before the trimmings are
put on. In other kinds, there are
1900.
Caslxet manufacturers are trying
60 reduce the number OF varieties,
which Il ID claimed adds to expense
and waste. The cemeteries, crenia-
tories, jobbers and undertakers
think that common sense should
be applied, at the same time pre-
serving reasonable regard for SEN
timent.
One cemetery In . large Eastern
city has put q restriction on the
width Of graves, and caskets must
meet requirements before burial
can occur, all going to show that
trouble Is ours from the time we
enter this world until we leave II.
When Heinz put out his fifty
seven varieties In pickles we
thought that the height OF varic-
ties had been reached, but now
that we know that there are $500
varieties Of caskets nobody who
expects to have use for one ought
TO kick. especially when cut-rate
establishments are fast bringing
down the cost Of burials.
The Washington times., 1922-09-10

~ NCE q grammar school Rab-
bit had Growing Pains
" which he diagnosed as the
pangs Of True Love.
The Target was a dry-seasoned
Fannie old enough to be his God
mother.
She was q Post t-Graduate who
was keeping herself on Earth by
running to the Drugstore every
few minutes.
An expert would have Made her
at a glance, but the Cub fell for the
Scenery and Mechanical Effects.
He had sketched little synopsis
Of the Future. After waiting 8
years, until she had unpetaled into.
the perfect bloom Of Womanhood
and he was wearing a Full Beard.
he would take her by the Long
Glove and lead her off into Dream.
land.
Soon after recovering from the
Pip, known in Medical Parlance as
the Spooney Infantum. he began
70 glory in the friendship Of an
incipient Amazon who wore
Sweater and walked like a Police
man.
She did not hamper her fibrous
Physique with any excess Harness
that might pinch when she es-
sayed a full st. Andrews Ss.ipe
with a wooden Club. And she had
one lower octave Of Pipes, like a
Brakeman on the Erie.
There comes brief Period in the
Veal Epoch Of every Sentimental
Tommy when the only real Cutie is
one who can propel a Canoe and
throw Overland.
So Walter, such. being the baDtis.
NAL Handicap, often thought It
would be Sweet Billiards, to keep
house with the she.Acrobat for
thirty or forty years, because
when they were tired Of sitting in
the House they could 60 into the
Front Yard and play Ketch.
GOES IN FOR UPLIFT.
But one day he stood before a
kind-faced Registrar and matricu.
lated. Branded as a regular Fresh.
man. he went back to his little
Den and put a newsstand Photo
OF Mabel Normand between two
Pennants.
The Washington times., 1922-09-10

To be glad OF life, because it
gives you the chance to love and TO
the stars; to be satisfied with your
possessions. but not contented with
yourself until you have made the
best OF them; to despise nothing In
the world except falsehood and
meanness, and to fear nothing ex-
cept cowardice: to be governed by
your admirations rather than by
your disgusts; to covet nothing
that is your neighbor's except his
kindness OF heart and gentleness
OF manners; to think seldom OF
and every day Of Christ; and to
spend as much time as you can,
with body and with spirit. in Gods
out OF doors. These are little
guideposts on the footpath to
peace.
The Washington times., 1922-09-10

dabb would 60 to work, but Dibb-
dabb says, why change the
habits Of a lifetime1"
Anyway. they made up, but they
auarreled like kittens and pups.
Millie used to say: Heaven
knows what I saw in you. You're
a rat. You eat cheese"
That's a fine way for a wife to
speak to her husbands face, amt
1t? So Dibbdabb says, "Remem.
her the night you chased me out
of the house?"
The Washington times., 1922-09-10

to be a Diner.out and a Dancing
Devil.
When he was twenty.eight, how.
ever, he had become Hep to the
large and luminous Truth than the
man who sits in his Lodging read.
ing Dumas may overlook many
Bet.
He noted on every Hand the
nice-lookins Boys who turned In
about 1o4o o'clock and avoided
the Pitfalls Of Society. and most
Of them were pulling down a.
much as go . week.
He recalled what the hunbls
The Washington times., 1922-09-10

Wasn't that terrible. But she
had the meanest mouth on any
human I ever saw. They only
lived together long enough for
Millie to celebrate the anniver-
sary Of her first black eve and
then they separated again.
Dibbdabb wasn't a bad sort Of
fellow. They didn't have any
money trouble, because DIbbdabb
didn't have any. When Millie
asked the Judge for $40 a week
alimony Dibbdabb's lawyer
jumped up and said. Judge, you
can't. squeeze blood out Of
turnip."
The Washington times., 1922-09-10

Chronicler had said away back in
1899: Early to Bed and Early to
Rise and you will meet very few
Of our Best People"
He looked over the Layout and
decided that It was just as easy to
mingle with the Face Cards as TO
sleep In the Discards.
He saw many a Light Weigh,
with a gilt sign exposed on Main
Street spd no Assets except q Suit
with q Velvet Collar. q pair Of In.
destructibie dancing Legs, and
just enough intellectual Aoumen 70
stir Tea without spillins It.
The Washington times., 1922-09-10

met you? It was on the board.
walk at Atlantic City"
Dibbdabb would say, Yes"
Millie said, You and your
three brothers were in a rolling
chair"
Dibbdabb says, II remember.
Joe and Frank and me-"
Mile said. That's right. The
three Dibbdabbs. Joe and Frank
and you. And the only man In
the party was pushing the
chair"
The Washington times., 1922-09-10
FORMS FOR FLAPPERS.

"a manufacturer has brought
out bust forms Of fappers in three
models. each showing a character
istic facial expression Of the
flapper, which induces the Chicago
News columnist to write9
The fIspper's, range IL now disclosed.
Three simple facial attitudes,
Ono studied, careful and composed
To prattle pretty platitudes;
The second, as it were. undrest
In barefaced wonder staring;
The last all wreathcd In smiles, her
best,
The eats pyJamas" wearing.
The Washington times., 1922-09-10
THE FAMILY ALBUM
-HAT's the Dibbdabbs. The,

"HAT'S the Dibbdabbs. They
were always inviting us up
- to our house to have dinner
with them. Mrs. Dibbdabb was
originally one of the Meanmouth
girls who were noted for their
handsome sarcasm.
The Meanmouths were one Of
the oldest families in the tax col
iectors back books and one day
old man Meanmouth went into the
general store and asked for a fine
tooth comb and a hammer. 1t
turned out later that he wanted
the hammer to build coop around
q stolen hen. But the family had
The Washington times., 1922-09-10
A Column FROM and FOR Everybody - By BILL PRICE
SEEING THE GAME GRATIS.

i remember, ] renicmber.. though years
have passed since then,
And the other urchins like myself.
mn have Erown up 20 be men,.
hind the Erandstand and walt.
For that much-coveted ball that would
pass me In the gate. s.
I never win forget the Jog IL gave me
And march away triumphant sayings
But sometimes I'D run hard and wres-
tie. md fikht 20 get the ball;
And another boy bigger than ! would
get IL after all.
I'd be pretty sure to get In. though.
before the game was through.
And sit In the bteacbers and watch the
game, and root like men do.
But when fouls were few and no knot
hole left In the fence for me.
As . last resort ] would climb q 'teIe-
phone pole or o tree;
And I'd watch the game from that
high perch with interest intense;
Nor begrudge tho fellows down below
their knotholes In the fence.
JOHN ANSCHUTZ.
The Washington times., 1922-09-10
THOSE BEAUTY CONTESTS.

Mrs. T. ]. wants me to tell her
why 1t Is that poor but beautiful
girls seldom win beauty contests
and that those chosen are gen.
orally well-to-do and prosperous.
We don't know, unless 1t is because
the beautiful working girls are all
reserved for the Williams In the
movies. We heard that there
was a movie once where the vii.
lian's would-be victim was a rich
girl, but we don't believe 1t.
The Washington times., 1922-09-10
Applicant-Mirrors.
CORN GIVES TROUBLE.

CORN GIVES TROUBLE.
A corn was raised upon his toe,
Did cause it's owner swearing;
Il played havoc and so forth,
When . tight shoe he was wear
Ing.
A little flask Of bootleg corn,
Was riding on his hip;
IL also played much havoc,
Whenever he took q sip.
GAITHERSBURG LIZ.
The Washington times., 1922-09-10

LOOK PLEASANT, PLEASE.
We cannot, Of course. all be hand
s0me,
And it's hard for us all to be
good;
We are sure now and then to be
lonely,
And we don't always do rs We
should.
To be cheerful Is not always easy,
To pc patient is harder still;
But, Of course, we can always look
pleasant,
II we make up our minds that
we will.
FLORENCE HOAGLAND.
"NAMES is NAMES"
have a letter with the caption:
"WOODHEAD LUMBER CO.,
Los Angeles, Calf"
And signed by
I'd. WOODHEAD, President"
JAKE.
The Washington times., 1922-09-10
THE COATS ONLY FRIEND.

While DER H and SIS greatness we
gl0at,
Let us remember kindly the OF.
flee Goat.
MAY his shadow never grow less"
And may the squibs he eats pro-
duce no wickedness.
III. SMITH.
The Washington times., 1922-09-10
NUTS AND BUGS.

J. A. F. says that the idea that
the Tin Lizzie has more nuts than
anything else in the country is
disproved both by Heard and Seen,
with its large population Of nuts,
and by Congress, where an at.
tempt is to be made to oust the
bugs. He gives Congress credit
for having more nuts and bugs
than any other American institu.
ton.
The Washington times., 1922-09-10
ONE SENTENCE THEY
ALL FALL FOR

Male flatterers Of gentle women
Who thrive on that kind Of stuff
Have learned n number OF sentences
That beat all other kinds Of bluff.
I refer 20 one that most women fall
One that male deceivers consider
best
These deceivers use Il everywhere-it IL
You are 20 different from the rest"
A WISE BIRD.
The Washington times., 1922-09-10
A NONSTOP ORGAN.

Enthusiastic Musician-"I hear
your neighbor has bought an OF.
gan. Do you happen to know how
many stops 1t has?"
Bored Observation-Disclosures
only three-for meals"
The Washington times., 1922-09-10

"Is the patient regularly taking
the tablespoonful of brandy I or.
dered?" said the doctor, looking
into the sickroom.
Yes replied the young nurse.
Hes very particular about that.
Hes already seventy.four doses
ahead. and you only prescribed 1t
yesterday"
The Washington times., 1922-09-10
A LITTLE WISDOM.

It's a sign of 1oisdom to admit
you've been a fool.
Those Who carry scandal are
worse than those tDho make it.
Never limit your mental erer-
else TO jumping at conclusions.
It's as hard to live up TO a good
reputation as it is to Live down
q bad one.
The Washington times., 1922-09-10
Mile says, Which oneI"

Mile says, Which onef"
Dibbdabb says, The night II was
30 cold" Mile remembered, all
right.
Dibbdabb said. well. had TO
sleep in the woods. Does that
make me a wolf?"
Millie started to laugh, and said:
"If your eyes were a little bigger
you'd make a fine mouse"
The Meanmouths had awful
tongues. Millie would say. DO
you remember the first time I
The Washington times., 1922-09-10
Bv "BUGS" BAER

The Judge said. This Is mat.
rimony. Not vegetables" But
anyway. he awarded Milie two
dollars a week alimony and the
graphophone records.
Dibbdabb kept the can opener
because he got so used to delica.
tessen that he'd starve to death
at a free-for-all banquet unless
they served the food in stove
pipes.
Well, good-by. and don't pay
no attention to the Welcome on
the doormat.
The Washington times., 1922-09-10
THE eJINKO" TREE.

There is q beautiful tree IN
Iowa Circle worth looking at,
which is pronounced "Jinko,"
and "SAM SIMPLE" tells how
he discovered It:
One night about dark We were put
IN the park.
sat By my wife on . seat,
When toward ms there came . beau
with . form that was striiinsiy
Ny wife saw me stare at this vision
Then over her face spread q frown.
So I lifted my eyes st once TO the
the skies,
For i knew i must not stare looking
! Looked st the trees ss they swayed In
the breeze,
And in this way>I happened to see
to tts root
This Japanese "Jinko" tree.
The Washington times., 1922-09-10

but canned tomatoes. sardines.
olives. tongue and corn. He opened
SO many cans that 1t was no sur
prise when the constable found
him using a can-opener on the
postoffice safe.
Millie went back to her folks,
who didn't get warned in time.
Dibbdabb started to drown his
sorrow in his friends hip pockets.
But all his friends left town. So
he not only broke the liquor habit
but the cigarette habit. too.
So US folks tried to get 'em
together again. provided that Dibb-
The Washington times., 1922-09-10

Applicant-I see you advertise
for a window-dresser.
/Merchant-Yes. Have you had
much .experience3
Applicant arranged the win
dows In the last shop I was en-
ployed at. and every woman who
passed stopped and looked In.
Merchant-That's something like.
You're just the man we want. By
the way. what line was your firm
in?
Applicant-Mirrors
The Washington times., 1922-09-10
THE REMEDY.

Lady Tourist-"I find It impossi-
BILE to dry myself on the small
towel you've put in my room"
Irish Chambermaid-"Very good.
ma'am. Then III see ye get less
wather tomorrow morning."
The Washington times., 1922-09-10
CON SOLAT TION.

Some of the things said over
the wires," declared the telephone
girl to a lineman making repairs.
ARE not fit for US girls to hear"
"Aw," pointed out the linernan,
you can't expect to work around
electricity and not get shocked"
JANOULA CHACONAS.
The Washington times., 1922-09-10
WHAT MARY HAD.

Mary had one little dog,
II chewed trees In the park:
And when the little doggies came
Each one was full OF bark.
IN. Y. Globe
The Washington times., 1922-09-10
THE FOOTPATH TO PEACE.

PAT" says he got 50 much
benefit from this little bit of phil
osophy by HENRY VAN DYKE
that he would like to see other
fans who may be blue cheered by
Il:
The Washington times., 1922-09-10
LOYELESS WOMAN.

LOVELESS WOMAN.
A celestial star without splendor,
A dreary morning without sun,
Falling water devoid Of a rainbow.
A flower without a fragrance,
Is a woman without love.
+. b. A.
The Washington times., 1922-09-10

AUTO EPITAPHS.
No Hrhts at all had Oswald Sharp,
He's gone 20 play Q golden harp.
Rode fast our friend. Squire Scott.
The highway turned, his car did not.
He took the curve Mt sixty miles,
On top Of Grare's Hill;
A tablet In the graveyard readsi
Here slumbers dear old BILL"
J. A. TUCKER.
The Washington times., 1922-09-10

Have a smile for everybody,
and remember that a froton
oin't no more popular than a
hot-dog stand at a Hebrew
picnic. MAC. y
The Washington times., 1922-09-10

When Millie Meanmouth mar
ried Dibbdabb. instead Of saying
"Oughtn't the bride to be beauti-
ful?" folks pointed at Millie with
the thumb Of gossip and said,
That's the bride. Her old man
went down to the store and asked
for a fine-tooth comb and a ham.
mer."
The Washington times., 1922-09-10

Their honeymoon lasted until IL
was time to cook a meal, and then
Dibbdabb found out that Millie
thought a delicatessen store was a
house Of worship. He got nothing