davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington herald., 1922-11-19
Maize the Manicure

f'who do you think you are.
Sarah Hartburn or whatr hs
asks.
"Well, one word leads b
another until / finally melt into
a pair of tights and become Q
chorus damsel and throw my job
in the barber shop more than
fifty feetsin the air.
latter we have been rehears-
ing eighteen hours a day and six
teen hours a night for three
weeks, I approach this director
regarding salary.
Ladies gotta live. You
know that, don't you?" I asked.
"'Well then,' said he, they
should ort to stay out of the
show business. You will ge4
thirty large round berries every
week. after the show opens. You
will also get an upper on over
night jumps while on the road
"A week after that l aked him
when the show would open
II we had q few more dumb
bells In the chorus 1t wouldn't
never open. As it is, have
hopes Of whipping this gang into
shape in about two weeks more
he replied.
"The next day I left the stage
never to return. ] found .
notice posted on the blackboard
which allowed that the hacker Of
the show had changed his mind
and had decided to invest his
money in a patent mousetrap or
something. Oh yes, I have been
on the stage. I have got the 70
hearsal bloomers yet. They cost
me two bucks.
"Every time I seem to hear ths
call. of the theatre now, I 70
home, take those bloomers out Of
the trunk and hang them In plain
sight for a week or two and the
spell passes.
"Say, Mazie, won't you CONS
along to a show tonight I
have got q brace Of seats"
Cant Sorry. I gotta lift he
hay early tonight. i am going 10
take q day of tomorrow"
"Going to q funeraI?"
,''Not exactly but It win prob
ably amount to that. / am roins
over to Long Island City to have
q try-eut for the movies. A nsx
customer That was in here yestsr-
day gave me q letter TO . dirss-
tor.
"of course he may Of ben
kidding but he said ! was the nv-
Ing image Of Mabel Normanks
The Washington herald., 1922-11-19
Quincy Todd on Tax Dodgers By Roy K Moulton

fH SEE" says Elias Q. Higgin-
botham, ''that over one
- million people failed TO- pay
their income tax this year, and
the Government is very peeved
over the same and is getting
ready to raise heck with these
parties"
81 do not admire the brand Of
honesty practised by these one
million people," says Quincy
Todd, ''but l do take of my hat
to their cleverness. I did not
think there was that many people.
in this country cagey enough to
get away with that stuff Of dodg.
ing the income tax"
"You probably thought" says
Elias Q. Higginbotham, "that you
were the only one"
NO." says Quincy. 81 thank
you for the compliment, but it is
undeserved- pay. mine like a
gent. I do this for the reason
that / am honest, and have the
additional reason that I cannot
find any loophole which will al
low me to escape.
81 study this income tax bust
ness quite a lot when it first
comes out, and It Is the first
financial matter in my whole his
tory that has me entirely buff
faloed. I suppose you pay
yours"
"Oh, yes. I start In paying
mine this year. find out that
one feller Is obliged to report to
the Government what he pays me-
and so l figger it out that / owe
the Government $4.67 and / send
same," says Elias Q. Higgin-
botham.
'You are DANCED near as much
of a criminal as the feller that
don't pay none Fat ALL" says
Quincy. Here you are pulling a
lot of sanctimonious converse
ton about these tax-dodgers, and
you dodge all of yours except
$4.67. If you didn't make thirty
thousand beans last year I am
much mistaken It seems to me
you told me 90 last Christmas"
"Well, Squinty Adams, who
runs the speak-easy up street,
makes at least fifty thousand dol
lars in the past year, and he
sends the Government 50. /
thought I would be as liberal in
proportion as he was"
"Well, there is some excuse for
Squinty Adams. If he hauls off
and makes . complete return the
The Washington herald., 1922-11-19
Things Not
Worth Knowing
MASSACHUSETTS Is called
VII the Bay State on account
" of the prevalence there Of

M HASSACHUSETT is called
iVt the Bay State on account
" Of the prevalence there of
hounds that bay at night.
There are natives in the in
terror of Mexico who never heard
radio machine, and they are
aid to live a care-free life.
A man has invented an alarm
clock that does not tick, but will
not have his invention entirely
1ffected until he evolves an alarm
)ell that is silent
The people of Cape Cod al
ways go away from home and
leave their doors unlocked. They
are afraid the neighbor might
bring something and be unable
to get in.
The Detroit River is the short
est river in the world, but on ac-
count of hooch smuggling from
Canada, it is. said to be one of
the wettest.
A traveller returning to the
United States from Europe hung
over the rail all the way. He is
the first man to come from Eu-
rope by rail.
When doughnuts were first in
vented, = ey tried making them
without ..oles in them, but no
body knew what they were and
so they had to make them with
holss-
The Washington herald., 1922-11-19

Government ID almost sure to
make him itemize, and when he
gets to doing that and disclosing
where this money comes from, he
may as well start for Fort Leav-
enworth or Atlanta without wait
ing for a trial"
"Do you think anybody's re-
turn Is exactly correct?" asks
Elias Q. Higginbotham.
mo, l do not" says Quincy,
because 1 do not think any man
has got the brains to make out
one of the DANCED things and get
it right. Last year l went to an
expert and he made out my re-
turn and he gouged the Govern
ment out of SIS and nearly land
ed me in the coop. But when a
Teller just naturally neglects to
send in any kind Of returns the
Government should orto get
after them, as it Is now doing.
"The Government considers
bad news from the taxpayers bet
ter than none at all.
"I should admire to know how
these one million people get out
Of paying their tax. That is what
worries me. l hate to think there
are one million people in this
country who are so much smarter
than l am"
"Well," says Elias @. Higgin-
botham, "if anybody could beat
anybody out Of any money, in
any way whatsoever, figger you
would be the guy"
The Washington herald., 1922-11-19

fTsAKE a good slant at the
bimbo that just got his
hams trimmed In my
chair"
eyes. What's the matter with
him?"
Nothing. He does his stuff
all right but the trouble II I am
closer TO him than . porous
plaster. In other words, l have
lamped his hunting license tag. I
am next. He wants me to 90 into
the movies. He has got the
nerve to spring that ancient gag
around here in q first class barber
shop: He says he has got q part
for me that will fit me like .
telephone booth"
"Well, why not?"
"Why mott Me! Well, for
one thing, l tried that when they
fickered and for. another thing,
confdentially speaking, that pud-
dle-jumper has never been within
eight miles Of q movie studio in
his whole life. / don't know
exactly what his slant Is. Maybe
he wants to get married"
"Well, you can't be q manicure
forever. You can't be nineteen
years old all your Hfe."
"But, no husband. I've had .
couple Of them things, too. I
could get married three times q
week. You'd be surprised.
There's 20 many lonesome strang-
ers from outa town dropping in
here to hold hands. Maybe,
someday If a single man should
ask me, well, maybe l might try
one more, but the last nine pro-
posals I have had here have been
from unsophisticated and honest
provincials who have wives out
West. Y
"How do I tellf That's a
laugh. I couldn't tella married
man any quicker If he wore q
cowbell around his neck and car
ried a banner. But this Is the
first one that's come along in the
past six months with the movie
stuff. It's getting to be mid
Victorian now, it's % antique.
'They used to ankle in here
every day and call me Mary and
say I was q ringer for Mary
Pickford. One bird always called
me Marion Davies and another
called me Bebe Daniels and I
often wondered how / changed
from . blonde 10 a brunette in
ten minutes. / used to get en-
thusiastic when they said / looked
ike . movie star. But ] found
The Washington herald., 1922-11-19

II have no desire whatever to
evade my obligations" says
Quincy, "and am especially de-
termined not to evade them when
l cannot discover no possible
chance. So ! send the Govern
ment $37 this year and my con-
science Il clear for another
twelve months"
'T should think It would be
when I happen to know you
cleaned up s45,000 in one gravel
contract" says Elias Q. Higgin-
botham. "You have certainly got
the most form-fttin', accommo-
dating conscience l have ever
met up with"
81 should much admire to read
Of these cases in the newspapers
when they come to trial." says
Quincy. II would like to know
what sort OF an excuse these
birds can put up, also, as say
before, l can't imagine what
their system could be.
ut would seem as though the
Government has got a copper
riveted cinch on this thing. In
my case, they get q statement
from the fellers that pay me any
thing, and get . statement from
me as to what l pay the next fell
ler, SO when they get to checking
up on this thing, they have got
anybody raked fore and aft. l
used to figger that l could get
along without making any re-
turns and the Government would
The Washington herald., 1922-11-19

that lookin' like them don't get
you anywhere.
81 got so puffed up once by
this line Of applesauce that I
stood in line six hours once to
get a try-out over at Fort Lee
and then 1t didn't fit. =
81 have been on the stage, too.
Oh, yes. It took me three months
to get my old job back in this
shop.
Coming into this shop every
day are a lot of well-known
Broadway producers who nobody
has ever heard Of before. They
are thicker than Wall street
brokers that have never beer
south of Forty-second street. One
Of these well-known> Broadway
producers l once trailed to his
lair and / find that he produces
fiapiacks and butter cakes In an
open window.
"Well, ] let one of them birds
fan me into inconsistencies one
day when ! was doing an honest
job Of work on his right thumb.
Well, Il seems that he is not alto
gether q flop. He is connected
with the theatrical business. His
brother 10 in q box Office. which
makes him q sort of blood rela-
ton to the profession.
"He says 20 me this day,
sNazie,' he says, if some good
smart producer would round up
all the manicures around Times
Square and put 'em into . show,
he would have Ziegfeld's bunch
faded. / been thinking what a
slam you would be in the chorus
IA regular wow
".Oh, be yourself I said.
"This stage has sank SO low,
It should ort to be elevated he
continues, and it is up to you
Why hide your beauty in q base
ment barber shop? I'll get you
q letter to q production director
to-day
"T'd sooner have Q letter to
. bank director ! said. But sure
enough he comes down next time
with the letter and blouse up
to the show shop where they are
rehearsing and meet the director.
'He looked at me like / was q
property turkey and says: OF
course you'll have to start In the
chorus. Nobody knows where
you may finish
That's the trouble I said.
Nobody knows. So l would
rather start right in being an
actxesk
The Washington herald., 1922-11-19

be none the wiser, and then /
suddenly find out that a lot Of
guys are reporting on me. Every
guy that pays me any dough sets
It down in his report. A lot Of
bally traitors, ! call EN- So I
get sore and write down in my
report what l pay everybody
else.
"But the paper says that most
Of these million people that have
been absent-minded this year are
salaried people, and / know that
all salaries are sent in to the
Government. Employers seem to
take fiendish delight in sending
in such lists and putting the Gov
ernment hep. Where do these
salaried people fgger they get
Off"
maybe they just dent believe
in the income tax" says Elias @.
Higginbotham. "There are some
that don't"
Il am a conscientious objector
myself" says Quincy; "but it
has never done me mighty sight
Of good. I'll tell you what sort
Of luck ! have had with this
proposition. The agents had
been around to see me every year
because my returns had been
wrong and, imagine they were
some out Of patience with me,
and / sure was out Of patience
with them. So, one year l fig
gered l would pay my tax in four
installments, and when divided
it in four parts there was half
cent hanging over. l figgered I
would take this half-cent for my
self, which I did four times,
thereby Switching two cents from
the Government.
= "Well, thought 1 had got
away with it until about a year
afterward,. when along comes a
notice from Washington that I
owe this Government two cents,
and If l do not pay same imme-
diate, there Is liable to be a heck
Of q jamboree. Well, I send the
Government q twe-cent postage
stamp and get a very polite; re-
ceipt in reply. That shows you
how careless Uncle Sam is about
these matters,
IT wonder how long this tax
dodgings has been going on" says
Elias Q. Higginbotham.
"Sinee the time of Pharoah, |"
says Quincy, "when the natives
snitched on bringing in their
corn"
The Washington herald., 1922-11-19
Hornen,aker
orHay1,,alxer
political

make an exsct science out
Of . phantasmagoria Of human
emotions, graft, orstory and
pollywoppus which we call poll
ties are trying to catalogue the
new womai, In her proper place.
They have, since ahs acquired
the ballot, made many prsdic-
tions, ssertions and guesses.
The common or garden variety
OF citizen who 4 married 3
budly engaged trying to find out
whether the emancipstsd woman
! d . homemaker or . haymaker.
One such has written Q pitiful ap-
pesl. He has been investigating
this thing until he d almost
;rszy. He can't catalogue
woman ct all, and he hxs been
iarried TO one for some ysaxa
he writes, feelingly,
After several years Of expert
lent I havs emerged victorious,
tut It was only altar resorting to
irastie measures. feel that ]
ihould tell my fellow men Of my
experience.
my parents wanted me b
Marry . rich young college girl
when I was twenty-four, but /
,assed her up for q good-looking
tenographer who worked for q
'ig insurance company In New
'ork and got q good salary with
xcellent chance for promotion. :
when the war went and broke
out and we got into It In 1917 /
volunteered and got q Job In
he quartermaster's department
'ounting beans and potatoes. Ny
ife had higher ambitions for me
. I'd wanted me to be q general
ght of.
$50, to hide her chagrin, she
hrsw up her perfectly good job
md became head Of a nursing
section for sick horses and spent
Ill her time at the stables during
he war period. l didn't mind it
hen. but when / came back from
ne war and was mustered out /
.ound that she had become en-
amored Of the horse nursing idea
md intended making It her Life
work, she being . new woman
Who had to have . mission. 1
ound that my living room and
library had been turned into veri-
table dormitories for sick colts
and things. There was even one
mule, and I had always objected
o having q mule In the family.
MY wife and / had never dis
greed much, but this was too
much and / tried to insist that
he give up this horse nursing
business and make q home for
ne. She refused to give up the
horses. The situation Just got
worse and worse and finally
drove me out of the house.
81 remembered a boyhood
friend Of mine, a veterinary sur
geon, and l went to him for ad-
vice. He gave me a small phial
of deadly poison-for horses
only. ! returned home and man
aged to administer enough of this
20 the horse patients in one room
20 that they passed away peace
fully but permanently. This per-
formance ! repeated a number of
times in the next few weeks.
my wife in time realized that
her nursing abilities, for some
'trange reason, were failing, gave
rp her horse hospital and we
moved into an apartment where
We are now happy.
"Of course, various cases of
new-womanhood require different
treatment, but / believe in all
.ases thu problem can he solved -
The midland journal. (Rising Sun, Md.) 1885-1947, 1922-06-16
MONUMENT UNVEILED AT
McHENRY.
To Memory OF Defenders OF Balti-

To Memory OF Defenders OF Balti-
more and To Francis Scott Key.
A monument in memory of the de-
tenders of Baltimore in 1914 and of
Francis Scott Key, the author of our
National anthem, has been given by
Congress and set up at Fort Nc
Henry. dwelling exercises were
held on Wednesday, June IA, Flag
Day. The President of the United
States was present on the occasion
and spoke.
On June 18th, 1912, the United
States declared war on Great
Britain. In 1914 the British with a
strong feet invaded Maryland, de-
Ffeated the militia at Bladensburg,
marched on to Washington and
burned the public buildings. Then
advancing on Baltimore, they landed
about 5000 men, for the most part
veterans Of the Duke of yelling
toms army who had been released
for service in, America after Ma.
poleon's Imprisonment at Elba.
They were, met by about 5000
m litfa under Brigadier-General
John Stricken near North Point,
their attack was repulsed and their
general, Sir Robert Ross, was killed.
The force under General Stricken
consisted chiefly of the Baltimore
brigade, with volunteer companies
from Hagerstown, in Maryland, and
from Hanover and Marietta, in
Pennsylvania.
On September 18th the British
began bombardment of Fort Nc
Henry and ON the morning Of the
14th Francis Scott Key, who was a
prisoner on one of the British YES
sells, saw the American flag still
afioat and under the inspiration Of
the sight, wrote on the back of an
envelope the verses which are now
the National Anthem.
The midland journal. (Rising Sun, Md.) 1885-1947, 1922-06-16
DETECTIVE ASSOCIATION UNION
Twenty-Fifth Annual Meeting Held
In West Chester.

The twenty-fifth annual meeting
of the Detective Associations Union
of Cecil county, Md, Chester and
Lancaster counties, Pa, was held
June 8, In West Chester.
Reports from thirteen associations
were given as follows, showing the
list of members and cash on hand:
Bart, 81 members, $26.36; Fulton,
ITO members, .$950.36; Harmony,
166 members, $412.05; Kirkwood,
Sc members, $465.72; Little Britain,
83 members, $612.19; Martinsville,
64 members, $224.75; Nottingham,
2O2 members, $SS3.SS; New Lon
don, 254 members. $635.73;, Rising
Sun, los. members, $771.41; Upper
Oxford, 80 members, .$S72.84; Uni
corn, 124 members, $469.47; Willis
town. 141 members, $1,536.97; Sth
District of Cecil county, Md, AZ
members, s29.93; total number OF
members. 1888; total of cash.
$7,391.61.
Balance in the treasury Of the
union, $56.04; losses were reported
from eight associations and five had
no losses. West Grove was chosen
for next years meeting, the first
Saturday in June. Forty-four dele
gates were present.
The following officers were elect
ed: President, ]. G. Vansant, Of
Harmony; vice president, FL. p.
Passmore, of Nottingham: secretary
and treasurer, E. M. Haines, Of
Fulton.
After dinner the meeting was ad-
dressed by Judge Hause, of West
Chester. =.
The midland journal. (Rising Sun, Md.) 1885-1947, 1922-06-16
DROWNING ACCIDENT.

A sad drowning accident occurred
Sunday afternoon in the SusQue-
hanna river at the Towpath Tea
House, near Glen Cove, on the Har-
ford side of the river, Andrew
Manner, of Baltimore, and his nine
year-old daughter, losing their lives
They, with other autoists, had been
enjoying the afternoon along the
river bank, when the little girl slip
ped from the rocks, and fell into
the water, her father plunging in to
rescue her. The river Is treacherOus
at that point, the main channel
being close to the bank, and the
current swift and deep. Both the
little girl and her father were swept
down by the swirling waters and
drowned before aid could reach
them. One man who witnessed the
accident jumped into the water in
an attempt to render aid, but in
spite of the fact that he was a strong
swimmer, he narrowly escaped
drowning, being carried far down
stream before he was able to catch
an overhanging limb and get on
shore, without reaching the other
two.
The midland journal. (Rising Sun, Md.) 1885-1947, 1922-06-16
MEETING OF CHAUTAUQUA
GUARANTORS.

Chautauqua closed Its five day
program Saturday evening. when
Mildred Cleo Clemens and company
of Hawaiians gave one of the best
entertainments of the week, whicn
had been full of good things.
An effort was made during the
week to increase the list of guaran-
tors from fifty to one hundred to
insure the return of Chautauqua
next year. This number was finally
completed on Sunday evening, when
a union service was held In the tent,
at which the Chautauqua talent as
sisted the churches of the COM
munity, Miss Clemens giving an
especially interesting talk on Hawaii.
The guarantors will hold meet
ing and organize for next year, on
Thursday evening, June %. in the
Friends room of the Public Hall
building. All guarantors are urged
to be present at this meeting.
The midland journal. (Rising Sun, Md.) 1885-1947, 1922-06-16
JOB B. sIDWELI.

Job B. Sidwell, former resident
of this section, died JunA 10, at the
home of his daughter, Mrs. Eri Dut-
ton, near Media, from apoplexy
after an illness of four months, aged
68 years. He was born near Not.
tingham. son of Thomas Fulton and
Rebecca Oldfield Sidwell. His wife
who was a Miss Nesbitt, died siz
years ago. Until failing health
forced his retirement from active life
he devoted his life to carpentering
He is survived by two daughters,
Mrs. Dutton of Media, and Mrs. viii.
liam Kirk of Germantown; two
brothers. Nathan Sidwell of Hickory
Hill. Benjamin Sidwell of Chester
and two sisters. Mrs. Annie Craig
of Chester. and Mrs. Howett of West
Nottingham. The funeral services
were held Monday afternoon al
the Sylmar NJ. e. Church and inter.
ment in Rosebank cemetery.
The midland journal. (Rising Sun, Md.) 1885-1947, 1922-06-16
MUNICIPAL ELECTION
sQUABBLE.
Elkton's Newly Elected COuncilmen
Refused Seats.

ElktOn'S Newly EtecteO COunclAmen
Refused Seats.
There is a squabble on in Elkton
over the recent municipal election,
when Ellsworth N. Sweet and Ed
ward T. Lynch were elected Town
Commissioners for term Of one
year. When the newly elected Com
missioners presented themselves at
the Council meeting last week Presi-
dent VIM. H. Mackall refused to ad-
minister the oath to them. Richard
Off, who wasNelected Commission
er, vice Alfred Davis, declined to at
tend the session after Lynch ana
Sweet had been refused seats.
The trouble started several weeks
ago when Lynch and Sweet filed
their names as candidates, claiming
the terms of Councilmen Mckinney
and Karl expired this year. The
Mayor and Council refused to place
their names on the ticket, maintain
ing the terms of Mckinney and Kari
did not expire until next year.
Judge Wickes issued a mandamus
compelling the names to be printed
on the ballot, and they were elected
without opposition. Notwithstanding
this order, the Mayor refused to
seat the newly-elected Councilmen
on the same grounds. Mandamus
proceedings will be started at once
to compel the seating of Sweet and
Lynch.
The organization of the old board
was perfected by electing Delaney
Scott, town treasurer; George Potts,
chief of police, and Miller F. Ma
graw, superintendent Of water plant.
If Sweet and Lynch are seated,
the action of the Council in making
appointments will be set aside,