davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1922-06-28
Rich Boss
Has Troubles
Some pretty lines run as follows

Nor iron bars a cage; 49,.
Minds innocent and quiet take
That for an hermitage"
Richard Lovelace.
Very pretty, indeed. There is one
thing, however, that DOES make a
prison and a cage, and that is q
vast fortune. A gigantic fortune
makes prison as perfect as could
be made if you dug a tunnel half
way through the Rock Of Gibraltar,
then dug out a small cell in the
middle of the rock Sat the bottom
and put your "happy rich man"
in there to live forever.
Young men who dash about as
gay and happy as 'tent cater
pillar" on a black oak tree, please
cease to envy your erich boss"
Great wealth means worry, anx-
iety, and the richest men can find
peace only when they invent some
plan for making themselves forget
how rich they are.
Some of them collect "antiq-
uities" to be scattered when they
die. Others organize and carry on
philanthropies, which flatter man. 8
inborn craving for the exercise of
power.
Others-a decreasing number
try to find happiness in dissipation
and viciousness. They forget that
while it is true, as lola says, that
"every man has within himself
hog asleep" it is also true that
each man only has ONE hog. And
no matter how much money the
owner of the hog may have, that
interesting animal can only eat just
so much-the rest is safety and in
digestion.
Of hundred young men ninety
nine,' if they think or plan or have
any ambition at all, think or plan
about getting money.
If you say to them that a great
deal Of money will not make them
happy, your words will not i'm
press them. They will not believe
it-but it is true.
The man enormously rich does
not know what ANY other man
really thinks.
He is surrounded with sycophants,
flatterers, fastened to him like
barnacles to a ship.
If he hears the truth he resents
it, thinks it impertinent. If it Of
tends his ideas he disposes Of it by
calling it Socialism" or anarchy"
or "demagogism."
He does not know what the real
world is or what real life is after
he has been rich for awhile. For
the man who really NEEDS moth
ing cannot really ENJOY anything.
Enjoyment, luckily for the human
race, is in work and accomplish
ment and achievement.
The mere piling up Of money is
not an achievement, does not bring
happiness, but misery, because it
chokes real achievement.
\ Think of how many enormously
rich men there are in the United
States, and ask yourself how many
Of them are anything EXCEPT
RICH. Which one of them thinks
we'll, talks well, plans we'll, writes
we'll, takes any real part in the i'm
portant life of the world, except as
the buying power of money can
give him power to buy men or buy
lawsi
Not to feel with men or know
how they feel-that is not happi-
ness.
Should young men despise money
or neglect itf By no means. Pow
erty is SLAVERY. Wealth is i'm
prisonment with idleness, but pow
erty is Imprisonment at HARD
LABOR. =
Enough money for independence
that is the ideal. Do not envy
the man who has more.
Do not envy "the boss" who can
have anything he wants. For he
really WANTS nothing, and that is
real unhappiness.
The Washington times., 1922-06-28
The College Graduates Out
look on Life
BY William George Jordan

life a. he had not imagined It.
He sees the seeming success
Of trickery, treachery. intrigue,
dishonesty. and the hard strug-
gle Of big, earnest effort in .
fight for ideals. Then. in the
words Of DIR. Hibben, he may
think that the world Is going
to the devil" The. test now
comes to him whether he viii
surrender to the purely ma.
terial or breyeiy keep on fight
Ing for the higher things. Too
often in his pessimism he fails
td-see with the broader vision.
The discrimination" that 1. DR..
Hibben predicates does not al
ways come; he may say every.
body's doing t." and "what Is
the user" ~, .....
The Washington times., 1922-06-28
Play the Confidence Gnnle
BY DR.. Charles Fleischers-l

THERE are many varieties.
Of confidence games. In
Its unpleasant sense. that us.
ually involves some kind Of
cheating whereby your conf
dence IL tricked and you pay
In money the price Tor your
trustfulness. .s
For the continuous encour.
asement Of the unscrupulous
capitaiizers Of confidence you
have the assuring proverb that
a new crop OF suckers Is born
every minute.
Ponzi II but perhaps you
would rather not hear Of him
and his kind who are such
artists in helping you with
their alluring schemes to
dream your get.rick-quick
dreams. ....
So let us get away from
material considerations apd
take our discussion into that
realm Of sentiment and con-
duct wherein our riches and
our poverty are almost entirely
Of our own making.
COME time ago the present
~ writer offered for your
reading in these columns an
article called BE Unafraid to
Retrace Your Steps" Therein
he suggested the need for that
tactical courage which would
enable you to change your
course when you started in
the wrong direction or found
yourself on the wrong road.
He pointed out how persons
and peoples alike are apt to
make the mistake OF permit.
ting their foolish pride to lead
them to persist In a course or
a career which they know to
be wrong.
And the plea was made, for
that strength Of will which
enables you to retrace your
steps and take the Road of
Right.
From San Francisco comes
the following letter: Would
you favor me some time and
write as good an article about
the person who win not listen
to her or his own judgment?
"I have in mind a young
couple-it's an old story, who
married and In time a son
came. Finally the woman lis
tened to her mother and would
be friends and left her hus-
band. y
1.-The young mother. seeking
the freedom che desired. OBJ
tanned a divorce and went to
work in an office. still listen
ing to friends who were there
for advisory purposes only.
Then, realization ca m e.
Freedom In an office. with
shame and no real home, did
not compare with the home.
did not compare with the home
The Washington times., 1922-06-28

she had left and the husband
who loved and grieved.' i
I'm time she came. baek----
isn't there, . way 70 make
people know that their own
judgment is the one 10 use.
not any other's7 would like
to see an article on this sind
lar to the BE Unafrsid to Re
trace Your Steps srticIe."'
The Washington times., 1922-06-28

IF minute steaks are worth six
dollars. well take one split
second ham sandwich.
The Washington times., 1922-06-28
CIRLoINs and chops are now

~ accepted as evidence Of rea.
sonable doubt and no jury will
convict cmbezzler who refuses to
exceed his authority by auto
graphing his thumbprints.
The Washington times., 1922-06-28

row has been elected to di.
~ rectorship in important sub
sidiary corporations where Its
Moo" Is regarded as solemn
facts by soft-boiled investors.
The Washington times., 1922-06-28

RUTTER rallied and imported
cheese Is getting stronger.
The Washington times., 1922-06-28

PRICE Of butcher odds and
ends made us suspect that
farmers were feeding their cows
money instead of grass.
The Washington times., 1922-06-28

GOVERNOR of Ohio Is afraid
that pete men will dynamite
COW and has instructed militia to
throw Gordon Of sentinels around
butter churn.
The New York herald., 1922-03-26
Hiqh Priests o the Nations Shr'ines

a cemetery here, and | was one OF the first
to start to clean up and dig graves. dug
graves in the civil war and in the Spanish
American war"
Despite his 70 years Jim walks with his
grizzled head upright and the general air
Of a man Of so. He has had two wives and
twenty-five children and is proud that five
Of his sons were in the world war.
I've worked at the cemetery for thirty
six years without break he continues,
mostly with the flowers. I've had to lay
off this winter cause my feet are bad,
but it's lonesome, and | miss the work
oh, yes, Miss, I'll go back in the spring
unless they give me my pension. Guess
I'm about ready for my pension with my
feet gone bad"
Working around the trees and flowers
with Jim is young fellow" only So. John
Marcy has been gardener at Arlington for
forty-two years, and, like Jim looks many
years younger than he Is. The superin-
tendent at Arlington, Robert Dye, brushed
lightly aside his own thirty years OF ser.
vice
"Its interesting work." says Marcy.
"I'm getting pretty old for trees, but I'm
still good for flowers. Yes we see lots OF
interesting people out here, especially like
last Armistice Day. No, | haven't ever
been but little ways off from here We
don't get very long vacations, and then |
don't know as I'd care to go far. It sorter
feels like home here"
This last sentiment was borne out by
his fellow workmen, none OF whom has
been there less than fifteen years.
SO IL is no wonder that the pilgrims who
visit these shrines OF American patriotism
find the beautiful old mansions in perfect
condition and the billowing terraces al
ways carefully groomed. These faithful
old high priests tend them carefully with
loving hands and spirits.
The New York herald., 1922-03-26
Crowd Wedged So Tightly
Door Couldn't Be Opened

When o'clock came the crowd was so
wedged immovable that Fire House
couldn't be opened at all on account of
Janitor Waldo Skinner being unable to
fight his way close enough with his door
key. Then shouts began to raise above
the pushing and groaning that on account
OF the size of the hosts present the reading
of Hon. Quinn's semi-final will would be
held instead in Arnold Hail.
full list of those injured in the new
crush to get from Fire House down to
Arnold Hall will be found in full to-day on
the Social Chit-Chat" page of this sheet.
In the big pushing and fighting from
Fire House back to Arnold Hall all parties
interested couldn't help but noticing, dark
as it was, the handsomeness Of Hon.
Quinn's palatial residence and handsome
grounds. The house stood black and de-
serted and boarded up, thus proving the
rumor that Hon. Quinn and family had
quietly left the Borough clandestinely at
6:12 A. M. on No. for the metropolis, this
being the first limb of his long trip back
to foreign parts, ireland.
But why Hon. Quinn-he being so crazy
The New York herald., 1922-03-26

Custis's wedding dress But he, too, has
had experiences of which he is proud.
'Yes, ma'am, stood at that door there
and held It open for Gen. Joffre after l
had cleared all the visitors out of the room.
Do you see that desk there? Well, that's
where the Prince of Wales sat to write his
name in the visitors book, and / handed
him the fountain pen"
Mr.. Permar comes from Philadelphia
and once he lapsed quantity into the old
Quaker speech.
"If thee'll step this way I'll show thee
the things in this cabinet
Seventy-nine years ago there was born
at Arlington, Va, on the estate of George
Washington Parke Custis, a slave boy
whose father had taken the family name
OF Parke, as so many of the slaves did,
and who was christened James. To-day he
is gardener in the place where he was
born. and the change from old Colonial
estate to great national cemetery has
changed him little.
"My father was chief marketer for Old
Massa Custis," he says. "He used to row
across the river to Washington to get pro-
visions In those days. Was he ever free?
Oh, yes. miss, we was all free before the
proclamation. Old Massa Custis. he died
In 1857, and he left In his will that we was
all to be free in five years.
mo, miss, never worked any place
steady except here-only for a month or
two at time when work was slow. ran
away to be drummer boy for the Moth
during the war, but was too young. so
my father got me back. Then / stayed
\. AZ 7
she lived up there In the house, and the
rest of the place was a corral for the
Union soldiers. I remember when the
messenger came to Gen. Lee to tell him to
go to Harpers Ferry and take charge OF
the Marines was right with him.
1T was Gen. May who thought of making
The New York herald., 1922-03-26

hand that holds his club has shaken the
hand of every President of his day except
Lincoln and Hayes. Despite his years and
his grizzled head he doesn't think he is old
yet
I'm spry," he says. IF the war had
Wood had gone over l was goin', too. What
could / do? | could wait on him. Yes.
ma am, and | would have gone in the field
II they would let me. I'm spry!"
Many honors have come Simms's way.
He handed the spade to the Prince of
Wales when the latter planted little
cedar near the Tomb, and pointed out to
him the stump of the one planted by his
grandfather, King Edward. He doesn't
expect to die at his job, however 1t is his
ambition to die gentleman farmer, like
old Gen. Washington"
We left him marshaling another party
into single file before the Tomb His
voice followed us as we climbed back up
the hill:
Hats off as you pass the Tomb, please
gentlemen: hats off there!"
In the main hall of washington's home
stood we'll setup old man with pure white
hair and long curling white mustache.
I'm here eighteen years, nine months
and thirty days to-day, ma'am," he replied
promptly to question. mo, | wasn't In
the civil war-I was too young-but," he
twinkled, II was what you might call a
little Home guard"
Mr.. Permar has many things to be proud
Of He is proud of the beautiful old ban
quet hall in his custody, and no little detail
has slipped his memory. He shows you the
ceiling with its carved design Of agricul-
tural implements designed by Washington
himself, and the curios in the cabinets
such as Mrs. Washingtons fan and Nelly
The New York herald., 1922-03-26

full quarts of Krug Champagne Wine (pro-
longed cheers); One case of OneHalf of
Twelve Per Cent. pre-war Wurzburger
beer tremendous applause); Six full
give and bequeath to President OF the
Ladies Aid of the Anti-Rum Ribboners
Mrs Hon. Luther A. Mickelman for her
own use and pleasure only-this bequest
being null and void and confiscatory if
said Mrs Hon. Mickelman shares one drop
with another, even though his long tongue
be hanging out around the house like
gun-shy bird dogs on the night of hot
Fourth of July.
FOURTEEN. To Miss Councilwoman
and vice-President Of the Anti-Rum Rib
The New York herald., 1922-03-26

boners Faith Prettyman ! give and be
queath-partly because Of her consistent
and savage antagonism to me in Borough
Council and partly because of her justly
celebrated fame as the best cook in Ocean
county-all my American (cooking)
sherry; all my California (cooking)
Brandy; all my American (cooking) Port
wine.
FIFTEEN. To Harvey J. S. Pringle,
my faithful furnace engineer and hired
man, I give and bequeath all my post
belum Applejacks and other bootlegging
new stuff not under lock and key for the
past year, and which, therefore, he has al
ready got away with in my absences in the
city.
SIXTEEN. All my ten-year-old ante
bellum Applejack, consisting Of fifty gal
Ions of the most pungent and smoothest
Apple that ever warmed the throats of
any"
Citizens Of New Jersey massed solidly
within hearing OF these noble words could
stand no more.
Except snatches of phrases like Twenty
bottles Rye assorted brands, to the Hon"
&c. and the like now and then, nothing
could be heard from this on except din
after din OF cheers.
Quiet came only when, in the last para
graph, Hon. Quinn disposed Of his big block
Of Government bonds. This last paragraph
ran.
"THIRTY-TWO. I give and bequeath to
my Councilmanc opponent, Hon. Luther
A. Mickelman, my complete set OF Govern
ment Bonds-redeemabl variously begin
ming A. D. 1923 and onward indefinitely
OF the Irish Republic. but providing and
only that said Luther A. Mickelman can
soak the bonds loose from off of the in
terror walls Of my garage-where they are
now plastered as wallpaper-without in
turing said walls. And further give and
beaueath to said Mickelman my cordial
wishes for Merry Christmas and Happy
New Year, together with bon voyage to
the whole dang crew OF you.
"TSignedl Yours Truly,
CORNELIUS +. X. QUINN.
(Copyright, 1922, By the Bell Syndicate
The New York herald., 1922-03-26

hereby make and declare this to be my last
semi-final will and testament
THREE. Although the gifts and be-
quests of personal property here be-
queathed are of great financial value, let
you, my friends, waste no gratitude on me.
In giving, for instance, my entire holdings
Of Government bonds-disposed of in para
graph Thirty-two to Hon. Luther A. Nickel
mani feel that l am but repaying said
Mickelman for the pleasure he has consist
emily given me fighting my every move In
your Borough Council.
-FOUR. So it is with all my other be-
quests.
FIVE. Friends, feeling that man should
share his surfeits with his fellow man, /
hereby give and bequeath the following
farewell bequests and"
At this point Mrs. Art Samuels, who
once sent Hon. Quinn several of her famous
lemon meringue pies the time he was SO
low with typhoid fever-and therefore,
maybe, got too excited about how she
would be repaid by Hon. Quinn in his
semi-inal will-fainted dead away, but
couldn't be laid out fiat on account of
standees filling Arnold Hall solidly.
Give the Missus air!" shouted Mrs.
Samuels's husband, Mr.. Samuels, but every
body yelled, shut up" at Art. So Mrs.
Samuels just stood up tainted until she
came to of her own accord about paragraph
Twenty-one of the will.
SIX" continued the semi-fnal will, af-
ter order again was restored. Il give and
bequeath to my consistent opponent in
Borough Council, the Rev. and Hon. Bor-
ough Clerk and Anti-Saloon League Secre-
tary U. Grant Piberry, all and sundry con-
tents of large strongbox marked plainly
No. Ia and stored in by mansion-keys
to said mansion being in the hands Of
Lawyer Ed Seeley who will distribute
bonds and other bequests within one week
The New York herald., 1922-03-26

= VERY time we go to Philadelphia we
notice something we didn't see the
last time. One of the most joyous
discoveries Of our last trip was the Quaker
method of deciding whether a mother shall
pay fare for her child or not Alongside
the little enclosure where the conductor
sits 1--WE are speaking Of trolley cars, Of
course) there is metal plate marked "31
inches" Children who are 81 inches in
height and under ride free; those who are
over this mark must pay
What wouldn't we have given to see a
practical application of the rule-espe-
cially during the rush hour We rode up
and down Philadelphia for two hours hop
ing to bump into a conductor measuring a
child but luck was against us. A good
natured Philadelphian, to whom we con-
fided our i'll luck, assured us that the
process is a very simple one
IF there is any doubt as to the child's
right to ride free" he told US, "the con-
ductor asks the kid to step up and be meas
ured. This is usually the cue for the fond
parent to remove the child's hat: the hat
removed little Mary or Maggie steps up to
see whether her head reaches the 81 inch
mark.
Sometimes the tot who is being meas
ured. not realizing what is going on, fails
to give Mama any cooperation. | recall
one case where little girl, falling short Of
the 81 inch rule. After kid has bent his
'See mamma! | can reach it, And stood
on her toes to prove It,
If in the course OF your wanderings
oh Iad aI ha
merry gentleman, you should come across
any kids whose knees stick out as though
the owners thereof were preparing to take
a standing board jump, don't think you
have discovered a new joint disease: this
pose is simply the result OF habitually
bending down in trolley cars at the behest
OF thrifty parents, with the idea OF beating
the 81 inch rule. After a kid has been his
knees three or four times a week for a
couple Of years he becomes permanently
afflicted with what might be called trolley
car knee
I'VE are rearing tribe Of knee protrud.
ing citizens. Whenever you see a man
with his knees sticking out like that you
can tell he was raised In Philadelphia.
Whenever I'm out Of town and am feeling
homesick and want to strike up conver.
sation with Philadelphian | look around
for a guy with his knees sticking out Of
his pants, and nine times out Of ten I'm
right.
Another thing. no matter how many
fares parents save by the enforcement Of
these bending exercises when we are kids
| think the habit IS an expensive one In
the end; for when we grow up and our
knees stick out perpetually we have to
have our pants pressed twice as often as
the average man. And that costs money.
Some day an enterprising clothing
manufacturer is going to make a fortune
by devising a special kind OF trousers for
Philadelphians who are suffering from
trolley car knee These pants will come
to point at the kneecap and fall away
from there like receding chin: I'm this
way conformity with the protruding joint
will be accomplished. The saving in press
ing bills will be tremendous"
The New York herald., 1922-03-26

about public speaking-didn't stay and
introduce himself with speech and then
read his semi-final will himself in Arnold
Hall couldn't be explained except on the
grounds of Hon. Quinn's modesty.
1t is probable, however, that the only
thought in everybodys mind while pushing
and fighting their way past his palatial
mansion in the dark toward Arnold Hall
was that any citizen with a mansion con-
tanning so many lower and upper stoops
and towers must have a big bunch of
money even to give away.
When Arnold Hall finally was packed to
asphyxiation Lawyer Ed Seeley came i'm
portantly on the stage to magnificent
cheers, carrying Importantly Hon Qunn's
semi-final WILL which was written by Hon.
Quinn himself before departing. At this
moment the only possible way to make the
excitement greater in everybody's breast
was for some funny joker to holler Fire."
"The important document | hold in my
hands, fellow citizens" finally began Law
yer Ed Seeley. "disposes-as / happen to
know from more than one reading of the
document-disposes, to many and several
Of you whose faces | see, parcels of per-
sonal properties of-under the circum-
stances-unbeievable value"
60 on!" cried hoarsely one or two citi-
zens able in the excitement to get their
breath.
Personally, friends" continued Lawyer
Seeley, with maddening deliberation, Il
believe Hon. Quinn's generosity astound
ing. | believe"
Never mind what you believe, Ed!
Read the Wilt" hollered Hon. Mickelman.
like he was strangling And other gibber-
ings from parties who couldn't form their
words rose up till the Hall sounded like
feeding time in some kind of a zoo.
The New York herald., 1922-03-26
By FRANK WARD o'MALLEY.
BURRsvIILE CITY, Ma

BURRSvIILE CITY, March 70.
THE most cataclysmic excitement ever
exploding in this Borough began
yesterday about $40 P. M. and is
still on. At that hour the Burrsville City
Biioeekly Blast appeared on N. Main with
the following staggering paid ad. appear
ing in the middle of the front page:
TO ALL WHO 1T MAY CoNCERNl
The undersigned being in good health
and sound mind and, friends about to
book passage on any ship which does
NOT land its passengers on filthy English
soil. desires, before bidding farewell to
this Borough to give and bequeath to
certain specified citizens of this Borough
certain blocks of Government bonds, and
other parcels of personal property of like
value-these benefciaries to have and to
hold said bequests forever.
To my revered antagonist in Borough
Council, the Hon. Luther A. Mickelman,
/ turn the other cheek friends, by be-
queathing to HMM document which
might. and do, call my semi-final last will
and testament-all Government bonds OF
which now hold possession
To various other friends-too many to
mention herein this Borough, who have
befriended me and mine since I retired
from the contracting business, public
speaking and politics in the metropolis
and settled here, I give and bequeath in
farewell like personal properties of value
before departing for foreign parts-the
being, of course. Ireland
Borough citizens desiring to know
whether they are remembered in my semi
appear at 81 o'clock this night at the
weekly meeting of Borough Council in
Fire House, where my last sem-inal will
and testament will be read aloud in toto
by Lawyer Ed ]. Seeley Attorney-at-law
Signed Hon. Cornelius f. X. Quinn.
ADV. 1t
AS result, not soul in this Borough
last evening ate their supper. BY 80 p. M
1t looked around Fire House like a swell
opening night at the Metropolitan Opera
House or something on account of the
street being packed solid with Fords.
Hon. Luther Mickelman arrived almost
first outside Fire House door, but only
so Hon. Mickelman shouted across the
heads of the packed crowd to ye scribe
to help Chief of Police Herb Longstreet
keep order outside Fire House door.