The Bridgeport times and evening farmer., 1922-08-23
Pity The $5 Bill
 And Its Journey

"Youre sixteen minutes late this morning, Mr. smith, snarled the Floor Manager.
 ..Nearer seventeen, Colonel said snnitty confdentiaaly. but if you
 The Floor Manager had never been addressed as "Colonel before.
 His eye frightened and he squared his shoulders tride: pursing his lips itarv mustache, had he worn such & decoration, bristle up under h1s nose.
 "Come. now. he rapped out with the air of grlzzled commander. vet third degree to a lively young supar- tern, whats the excuse this time. MT. Smith?''
 explanation, and true one, of what detained me-"
 'overslept yourself as usual. of course" growlesd1 the Floor Manager opposite wall mirror something like an expression he remembered in a portrait of Marshal Foch. ''No. Colonel, I woke up in plenty of time. honest to goodness.' said Smitty. "And wasn't delayed by any physical obstacle. It was purely a mental one"
 All Upset over F1ve-spots Fate.
 
 zical eye at him and stroked an inn aginary mustache.
 "Yes, Colonel" smitty continued beguilingIy, "the thing that dished me this morning was the currency ques- tion.'
 q shouldn't have thought that the currency question:" said the Floor Manager with condescending irony would be of vital imp ortance to you, MT. Smith,
 Neither should I, Colonel, until I read the report of the New York awful awful turn to find out how S short orte the m life of five dollar biM is. I haven't quite got over it yet. Would you. believe, sir, that a five dollar bill, so it comes from the Mint. or wherever five dollar bills are born. only sur wives about eight months in the mad whirlpool of New York 1ife?''
 "On1y eight months?" repeated the Floor Manager. lifting one eyeprow doubtfu1ly.
 'That's all. Colonel" said smitty earnestly. "It can't stand the pace any longer than that. Ten months in smaller places, but once a five dol dar bill finds it's way to New York poor little, crisp little, confiding little bhing-it hits the primrose path of destruction, until at the end of eight months, on an average. It nnds it way faded and torn, to some bank teller who decides 1t is unit Tor further circulation, and ships it with other derelicts to the Federal Re- serve Bank. where it finally perishes."
 Srnitty wiped away a tear.
 An "OId Folks Ho.ne'' for Them.
 "And I was thinking, Colonel.'' he continued, "that I would like to open a rescue home for five dollar bills, where they would be take in and treated kindly. would ask them no questions about their past, simply give them a good home and let them rest and accumulate, and forget the bitter experience of passing from hand to hand and being patted around from pillar to post. And what kept me late this morning. Colonel. was lying in bed and trying to figure out how I could get publicity for my rescue home and let kind hearted people know that they can seend their five dollar bills. to me in full conf dence that they'll be tender1y cared for. What do you think, Co1onel?"
 "B-r-r-r-r!" the Floor Manager parked in the manner Of actors who play the parts of elderly military men. "Go to your station, MT. Smith, and try not to be late again.'-N. Y. Sun