davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The New York herald., 1922-07-30
The Way Of a Man With a Lizzie

/ perfumes him so that at last, though
with obvious reluctance, he yields
her the driving seat and the wheel.
Though it is like pulling tacks. she
manages to extract from him data
as regards use of pedals, switches,
&C., which he carefully contrives
shall sound as difficult as possible.
Nevertheless, she progresses SWIM
mingly, and is just commencing to
gain confidence, when a COW appears
directly in her path, on the crest of
the hill.
Edith looks anxiously to him for
advice as to how to meet this emer-
gency situation; and he responds by
taking the wheel and stopping the
car. They exchange seats in si-
lence; he speeds up. and the COW,
snorting defiance and disgust, ga
lumphs off into the ditch.
Presently, and very gently. as II
not to frighten her unnecessarily,
'Tt's WELL" he observes, "you weren't
driving by yourself then. For cow
is difficult proposition to handle on
a narrow road; If she'd showed fight,
and held her ground, you might have
lost your head, the old car turned tur-
tle-and-!" He ventures side
long glance at her, remarking aloud
that she appears quite unnerved al
ready. "I guess you've had enough
driving for to-day. haven't you?
Well, we'll let you try again some
time. given more auspicious occa-
sion."
But such never comes: there is
always some just impediment as to
why the present time is not the time
for his wife to learn to drive; an up
hill road; an oncoming brewery
truck; an impending rainstorm; the
necessity for making the next town
before dark; railroad tracks to be
crossed in the distance. If Edith
were not afraid of the car to start
with the attitude of her husband
would make 1er SO.
From Out the Garage.
Hark! hear-no, not the
horn, but footsteps; 'tis the head Of
the house returning. He cometh.
he cometh; and I runneth joyously
to meet him. But my soaring spirits
fall as 1 note his air Of preoccupa-
ton; and he greets me: Gotta have
some more rags!"
Hoping against hope. falter:
Didn't you make her go?"
He turns to me with a puzzled
expression. repeating blindly: go?
COZ"
"Yes." desperately. Lizzie! Couldn't
you start her?''
And the light dawns; but he shakes
his head.
NO. he disclaims regretfully,
"but" (triumphantly), "I've-found-
three-more-things s-tbe-matter-
with-her!"
The New York herald., 1922-07-30

summons?" it's rhetorical question,
not requiring an answer. Better far
to sit mute under the most merciless
Of tongue lashings, even at the risk
of being branded craven and coward
in the eyes of the lady visitors on the
back seat. The thrifty wife glories
in her husbands meekness at such
times; for. after all. $25 is s25:
likewise, detour to Jail will spoil
any party.
wonder how many women driv-
ers to-day are such by grace of
their husbands tutelage. Not many,
I fancy; all the wives know learned
when their husbands weren't looking.
Contrary to express commands laid
down by the head of the house, they
took the car out one morning after
"he" had gone to town, and drove
straight down Main street. They
smashed lamp, and killed a chicken;
but they learned to drive!
The New York herald., 1922-07-30
Continued From Preceding Page.

barbed wire were hunted through
swamp and thicket and dragged out
and killed or left for dead. How
many descendants of the Vendetta"
OF the seventies were in the mob
none can say. 1t is possibly sugges-
tive that one of the union miners
killed was a Henderson-Jordan
Henderson-whose family has long
enjoyed the respect of the COM
munity.
The Egypt of To-day.
They don't fight over politics In
Egypt any more-not to any alarm
ing extent-b.t they do fight over
coal. Egypt las It's churches, many
OF them, but a real religion OF the
men is unionism. Every craft is
unionized, wholly So When union
ism is attacked. when "scabs' are
brought in. the union brothers go on
a crusade to the accompaniment of
thunder and lightning. 49,
Refusals to recognize" the United
Mine Workers have been uniformly
disastrous. The "Carterville riots"
The New York herald., 1922-07-30

to the garage to father crouched at
Lizzie's feet, or rather hind wheels;
they can't hurry him!
Yet once he's started I wonder
whether there is a more tractable,
long suffering creature on earth to-
day than the family man who drives
a car. OVERWHELMINGLY he permits it
to be overstuffed with wife's relatives
and friends. including small children
who bring ice cream cones and smear
their fingers over his upholstered
cushions and carefully polished var
nish. He tolerates everybody talk
ing at once, each shrill feminine
voice putting forth a different sug-
gestion as to the best route to White
Plains. Perhaps it is just as well
that father seems minded like the
Indifferent Mariner" of the song.
who "cares not so long as he's sail
ing; else father might go crazy.
Getting Out and Under.
The tire punctures on a lonely
road, and father has to invite every
body to pile out, which same they do
grudgingly and with groans. Then,
while "the girls" sit on the stone
wall under a shade tree, or wander
on to look at the perfectly beautiful
view from the top of the hill, it is up
to father as the only man of the
party-likewise the only individual
who knows anything-to strip off his
coat and go to work, unassisted ex-
cept for the somewhat doubtful min
istrations Of some officious little boys
who have dropped from the sky.
Now and again "the girls" drift back
to watch progress and inquire how
long it will be before they start.
Men, generally speaking. are SO
much smarter than we are when it
comes to machinery that their SEEM
ing inherent stupidity as regards
other comparatively elementary mat
ters Is a continuing source of won
derment to all womankind.
Backed by ages of tradition and
training, even to-day woman in
stinctively comedies man the supe-
rior mind, and is prepared to follow
where he leads. Every loving wife,
when the car is new and her hus-
band offers to take her off to call on
their friends just over the line, pre-
supposes when he steps on the gas
and frisks up the hill. lickety cut,
that he knows where he is going.
Later on, experience teaches her that
The New York herald., 1922-07-30
By NARY FISHER TORRANCE.

By NARY FISHER TORRANCE.
SIT alone in the cleaning. Out
side in the garage the head of
the house tinkers with the car.
At precisely the hour appointed for
starting he appeared before me to
report trouble lurking either in-I
forget just which one he said it was
1.-The battery. or the accelerator, or
the carburetor. Or may be the wind
shield, or the tool box? 1 wot not,
and it matters not: the point of the
story being that Lizzie" refuses
to go.
All, me! 1t was ever woman's lot
to watch and wait; and could bear
up perfectly well If didn't see in
my minds eye our friends uptown,
Mrs. Brown and her sister Carrie all
the way from Kalamazoo, Mich. SIM
ultaneously watching and waiting.
Lizzie's evil genius must have
prompted her to balk this particular
evening. when I had planned to ex-
hibit to Carrie from Kalamazoo the
beauties Of Riverside Drive, with all
the pretty lights shining across from
the Jersey shore.
1 would break it gently by tele-
phone, but the line doesn't answer.
Doubtless dreamy, dusky Edgar Of
the st. Swithin switchboard is put
ting in time outside on the front
steps, admiring the scenery. I've
even resorted to mental telegraphy.
radiating thought waves uptown cal
cuiated to assure our anxious friends
that the good. kind Joneses-mean-
ing us-will get there as soon as we
possibly can. We are not being late
on purpose; we didn't want to do 1t.
As Father Views Il.
Envious, yet fascinated, I note the
steady stream Of fine automobiles
passing by and the universally SNUG
air worn by their occupants. But
every minute, every second intensi-
fies my longing for Lizzie. Lizzie.
my own eve lamb, where art thou?
Oh, hasta la vista; celerissime! (This
line Of talk because in moments of
strong emotion my native upstate
English always seems inadequate.)
On! once more for the familiar
note Of our horn. piercing the calm
OF the Silly night I'm sorry now /
ever hbeled 1t a ''raucous old
squawk"; apologize. 'TwouId fall
on my fevered spirit now sweeter
than ever the Lost Chord; more wei
come than the flowers of Nav or the
clarion call of Mike on a July morn
ing: ANY iceg'
1t would help some could I fancy
that husband were sharing my suf-
49, --@6S- ool yOu set a KNOW MIN,
and can picture him this very min
ute, perfectly happy. sitting on the
garage floor surrounded by greasy
rags and monkey wrenches, cheerily,
and oh. so deliberately. taking things
apart.
Far be it from me to fathom the
way OF man with motor. In
woman's life an automobile is but a
thing apart; means to the end of
getting her where she wants to go;
TO man. ofttimes his Lizzie seems
his whole existence. And the hours
he spends with her. dear heart. seem
never so pearllike and soul satisfy
Ing as when, in her most intriguing
mood. uncertain, coy and hard to
please" Lizzie keeps him guessing.
Let the heathen rage and send des-
perate messages by the children out
The New York herald., 1922-07-30
Edith Take. the Wheel.

The average man is apt to look
panied and grave when the question
is broached Of his own particular
wife's mastering the art. It's all
right for other women; but his best
Judgment tells him that it is not
worth while for Edith" Of a high
strung, sensitive temperament, to
take the risk. Only the week before
his next door neighbor's wife crashed
into telegraph pole. &C., &c. Per-
haps If they ever spend a season in
the country.
Perhaps some day, out. in the
country, on an open road, Edith i'm
The New York herald., 1922-07-30
A Rhetorical Question.

Speaking of policemen. to-day,
verify, it's the hand that stops the
traffic, that's the hand that rules the
world. Strong men know this; Tro-
jan and Tyrian, capitalist, prize
fighter and plumber alike realize that
when the czar of the crossroads
bawls out, rs youse lookin' fer q
The New York herald., 1922-07-30
By EMILY z. FRIEDKIN.

ut INE forms on this SIDE"
There is no printed legend
to inform YOU of this. but
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1922-11-11
BANKING IMPROVEMENT

Substantial improvement in the condition
of the state banks of Alabama in the year end
ing October IT, which is reported by the
state bank superintendent, is reflex of the
better conditions maintaining at large this
year. The increase of $11,000,000 in demand
deposits and that of nearly $3,000,000 in
savings deposits reveals an altogether graft
flying index of the general trend forward that
began timidly after the low point reached in
July, 1921.
A noticeable feature Of banking affairs
this fall has been the lending of money to
farmers cooperative marketing associations.
These organizations have made little or no
use of the money placed at their disposal by
the war finance corporation, the banks more
than caring for their needs. The banks were
prepared to extend this aid as soon as the
associations, by the laws under which they
operate, became entitled to loans from banks
on the usual basis of sound security. The
associations place the farmers on sound
business basis, and the banks are glad to de-
velop their business in this direction. There
is no distinction between farmers and other
producers, once the farmers affairs are
handled like the affairs of other business.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1922-11-11
SAFETY IN VIADUCTS

The comfort of travel and the safety to
human life secured through construction of
the Weatherly viaduct on First avenue, the
underpass at the Terminal. station and the
Rainbow viaduct at Twenty-first street con-
sttute an encouragement gradually to eliminate
all dangerous grade crossings in Birmingham.
The city engineer is now making survey Of
several of these crossings between the north
and south sides to determine the best route
for the next viaduct. That is sensible pro-
csdure. A survey will demonstrate where
the money expended in this direction would be
most advantageously placed.
Whatever promotes ease and safety Of travel
between parts of city counts in the proper
concern of city government. The duty OF
q community to make its citizens safe in life
and limb is paramount one. The viaduct
system of Birmingham should be pressed un-
til it is complete one and there are no death
traps in the way of grade crossings remaining.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1922-11-11
LETTERS TO EDITOR

Editor of The Age-Herald:

To the Editor of The Age-Herald:
I was delighted to read on the fourth page
of The Age-Herad this morning the letter Of
DR.. Scale Harris, president of the Southern
Medical association, to Woodrow Wilson, first
citizen of the world" The letter is mas
terly analysis and presentation of the leading
pivotal ideas and work of Woodrow Wilson in
bringing the World war to an early conc1u-
sion after the entry of the United States of
America into the great conflict.
In a few incisve and scholarly strokes he
demonstrates the fatal tragedy and enormous
loss to the world of the turning down of the
Wilson ideas and policy for settling the af-
fairs of the world by the participation oil
America through the League of Nations in the
adjustment of internal problems in the last
several years. His indication Of the posi-
bilities of national and international tragedy
and loss through mass insanity is enlighten-
ing and suggestive in the highest degree.
DR.. Harris diagnosis of the social mind at
the close of the struggle and its present con
dition is the key to the understanding of this
period of history. l sincerely trust that every
citizen of our country and community Will
read this short, but Illuminating, letter. 1t is
So clear, limpid, and logical in its mirror of
the greatest moment in the worlds history
1t is out of such stuff as this simple, sincere,
natural and intelligent letter that real history
is made. h. p. BURRUS.
Birmingham, November 10, 1922.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1922-11-11
MY FAVORITE STORIES
MOSTLY ON THE GROUND FLOOR
BY IRWIN S. COBB

On his last annual visit to his old home in
Alabama, Col. Bozeman Bulger met husky
young negro, whomhe remembered as ragged
pickaninny. Having spent more than year
with the A. E. F. overseas, Bulger had nat
ural interest in military matters. He asked the
darky what service he had seen.
II didn't git into de army at all" said the
negro.
"That's surprising" said Bulger. "You're
one of the huskiest looking specimens I've seen
in long while. Even if you didn't volunteer,
l should have thought that the draft would have
caught you"
de draft did ketch me, but dey didn't keep
me. De geneman whut zamined me he let me
go ag'in."
"What reason did he give?"
"Well, sub, after he done look me ovah he
sort of aff an say he reckined 'twouldn't be
no satisfaction to de Germans to shoot me an
he tole ME to grab my hat an git on out of
dere."
'What were his exact words?"
"Well, suh near ez kin rekellect he say dat
my feet was so big an so flat dat even eff did
git shot l wouldn't fall ovah'
Copyright. 1922. by the Mcknight Syndicate. Inc)
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1922-11-11
TAX-DODGING IN AMERICA

It is no secret that tax dodgers have defraud-
ed the American government out of millions of
dollars. The worst offenders are those who
owe the government most. Secretary Mellon
proposes to enforce ecolection Of balances due
on excess profit and income taxes, running
back as far as 1917.
1t is irritating for the of moderate
means who pays his taxes to know that per-
sons who made huge fortunes during the World
war, in itself questionable procedure, have
evaded their obligations and put the burden on
others. Secretary Mellon has the right idea in
making all pay up, the big tax dodger as well
as the little ones. Evasion Of taxes is not only
wrong in itself, but it is unfair to every other
citizen who pays his taxes.
Money owed to the federal treasury is be-
ing wrongfully withheld by unprincipled and
unpatriotic Americans. Evasion of income
and excess profit taxes has almost reached the
stage of national scandal. 1t has become so
notorious that it sets bad example to citizens
whose compunctions against tax-dodging are
none too strong.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1922-11-11
PAUL COOK.

nasium training because he works II hours
every night in factory to put himself through
hisscollege course. He goes to the factory at
$50 o'clock in the afternoon and quits at 4:30
o'clock in the morning. In the remaining 13
hours of the day he must find time to sleep, sit
through four hours of class room instruction
and prepare himself in his courses.
Compared with this youngster of 1S the av-
erage tired business man is lotus eater. If
this boy doesn't crack under the strain he will
come out of college with his will steeled to the
undertaking of hard jobs. He can never be
afraid of work because he will never have to
work harden zs-
Undoubtedly he is trying to do too much.
After he has taken the smallest amount of
sleep on which he can keep his physical ma
chine running he cannot possibly find time to
do his university work as it ought to be done.
His case, nevertheless, is worthy of the con-
sideration of young men in college who are
afraid that they may do too much. Youth is
amazingly recuperative. Medical men in the
war We're continually being surprised by what
the troops could go through and go without and
still come back refreshed and go through with
again.
A boy like this one will get an education
whether he goes to college or stays sav from
college
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1922-11-11
Morton Jones

An indolent fellow was Morton Jones,
Who never did like to work;
The onerous burdens that most men bear
His tendency was to shirk.
He'd sit all day when the sun was bright
And let his thoughts run free;
Apart from the rushing stream Of life
Was where he wanted to be.
As long as the sky was blue above
And the wind was not too cold,
He was willing to let the world go by
While gracefully growing old.
It's true that he didn't amount to much
And he got more blame than praise,
But he prsEtced a creed of kindliness
And followed it all his days.
1t may have been this and the smile he wore,
AS his useless years went on,
But we almost forgave him his shiftlessness
And missed him when he was gone.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1922-11-11
WHAT SHIP SUBSIDY MEANS

The recent campaign in behalf of the
amendment to authorize the state TO equip
Birmingham's seaport to accommodate a
larger commerce has opened the eyes of this
industrial community and of north Alabama
to the close relationship existing between in
land producing centers and ocean commerce.
Too long have the American producers who
dwell inland regarded maritime matters as
questions affecting seaports only. Nothing
is further from the truth The ports are
merely the tunnels through which the ma
tons export products find their way to fer
eign markets. Maritime matters are Of fore
most concern to those who produce goods for
export, no matter where they live.
Therefore, the proposed measure to grant
an indirect subsidy to merchant vessels flying
the American flag is worth the serious atten-
tion of the whole nation. 1t is admitted that
Americans want merchant marine, not only
as a matter of national pride, but because a
merchant marine is an economic asset which
no exporting nation can afford to be without.
In order to encourage the development of
American steamship lines there needs to be
some sort of financial bulwark to tide the
companies over the first few problematical
years After that there is reasonable expecta-
ton that the lines will be self-supporting or
at least upon such thriving basis will en-
list private capital in their behalf.
The ship subsidy measure is urged upon
Congress by the President who has long per-
ceved its national value. 1t is not proposed
to take money from the treasury and hand it
outright to steamship companies. Revenue is
diverted from the customs collected and from
the postal funds appropriated for carrying
foreign mails. Ships are entitled to sums in
accordance with their type, tonnage, speed and
character of cargo. 1t is provided that when
the lines begin to make money they shall also,
according to definite schedule begin to repay
the sums advanced them. The nation could
afford to grant the subsidy even without pros
pect of reimbursement. How much more it
can afford to do so when the subsidy contem-
plates no drain upon the treasury and no di-
rect tax upon the people.
It would be folly for this nation to come
into position where, with great and costly car
goes to export, it must be at the mercy of
foreign, steamship lines which may be con-
troled by competitors in the worlds markets.
Rates alone could be made to ruin u.s. There
fore, the producing centers, above all others,
have their welfare at stake in the treatment
of the ship subsidy measure.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1922-11-11
THE MICHIGAN RESULT

That the people differ with the Senate ma
jority as to the question Of "Newberryism" Is
clearly shown by the Michigan voters rejec-
ton of Senator Townsend, who supported New
berry's claims to his seat, and their election Of
their first democratic senator in 70 years.
Michigan is not only normally republican,
Is abnormally republican. Even the general
revolt against the republican party would per-
baps not have brought about the election of
democrat in that state had it not been for the
Newberry episode.
It is said by many that other senators have
spent even more money than Newberry to win
senatorial rank, and that Newberry's case has
been emphasized out Of all proportion to its
enormity. Perhaps that is true, and maybe
that also is why a majority Of supporters for
The Michigan senator was possible. There were,
perhaps, too many others in the same boat.
The fact cannot be denied, however, that
Newberry's campaign managers spent more
money than allowed by the Michigan law, and
before there was court decision rendering that
Inv imperative. For candidate for legsla-
tive office to obtain office by contempt of law
Il a~poor beginning. 1t does not speak well
for lii sentiments regarding the laws Of the
land. whether state or federal. Only those
should enact laws who believe in laws and
obey them voluntarily and without compul-
zion.
Al to the election of other senators who
Ave spent great sums to gain office, it may
: - unmarked that the fact Of such expenditures