davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1922-02-26
have read so often in the


papers how impolitely bur
W glars have been treated
when discovered in ones homo
that We have called the matter to
the attention Of our experts and
have had them draft . set Of rules
on etiquette SO that burglars will
be treated as cordially as any other
person that visits your abode. Just
the other hay we read in . news
paper where a man struck . bur
glar and knocked him down an en-
tire fight of stairs. Now this not
only showed the ill-breeding on the
part OF the resident, but It also
hurt the burglars feelings, Is we'll
as other parts OF his anatomy. One
would not treat any other guest In
ones home in this manner, and
there is no reason why burglars
should be Disseminated against.
Therefore, be the first in your neigh
borhood to learn the proper rules
OF etiquette on how to be polite to
q burglar. Here they are; when
you have learned them pass them
along to your neighbor:
First-When your wife awakens
you and says she hears burglar
in the house It Is proper etiQuetts
that you get up and assist him.
And when you go down stairs,
should he cover you with his gun.
and should you cover him stimuli.
taneously with your revolver. do
not start an argument over which
is the better weapon. It Is perfect
ly proper that you should declare
your revolver the better quality.
we admit. but in proving It you not
only take a chance on being
mussed up with lead, but It is very
heartrending to your wife to have
her portieres. pictures, brica-brac.
etc, shot full OF holes.
Second-Just because you are
not unsteady inclined, II Is not
proper etiquette that you insist
that a burglar take your wife's
phonogfaph, piano and violin. May
be the burglar isn't unsteady in
clined either. =
Third-It is not proper etiquette
to ask q burglar to play poker,
checkers or toddle-top with you.
Remember. he has other work to
do, and you know you don't want
to be annoyed during your office
hours.
Fourth-If you have Welcome
on your door.mat. do not rush
down stairs, discover . burglar and
kick the stuffings out Of him. Re.
member. the keynote Of proper Ell
quette is courtesy. So. instead OF
kicking him. courteously bounce 9
The Washington times., 1922-02-26
Of Course Not.

NHISTRESS--When I engaged you,
IVA Susan. you told me that you
had no man friends. Now, almost
every time ! come into the kitchen
] find a man there.
Susan-Bless you, mum, he amt
no friend OF mine,
Then who Is hep
"My husband"
The Washington times., 1922-02-26
From Here
and There
Interfering With Nature.

THE editor OF country news
paper In Georgia found himself
unable to insert his usual column
OF Births, Marriages and Deaths.
Thinking that some apology was
needed for such an untoward cir
cumstance he published the follow.
ing in bold black type:
I'VE regret that, owing to pres
sure upon our space, several births
marriages and deaths have been
Inevitably postponed"
The Washington times., 1922-02-26
Why It Didn't Work.
A DOCTOR brought a dyspeptic
IA fsrroer a bip brown mill

A DOCTOR brought a dyspeptic
"A farmer a big brown pill.
II want you to try this pill at
bedtime" he said. TITS new
treatment, and II you can keep It
on your stomach It ought to cure
you"
The next day the doctor called
again. did you manage to keep
the Pill on your stomach" he
asked. eagerly.
"well. the pill was all right SO
long as I kept awake" said the
farmer, "but every time I fell
asleep It rolled off,"
The Washington times., 1922-02-26

fore the noon recess inc lawyers
get this Nosey Jones SO 1azzeo up
that he does not know whether he
is telling the truth or not and.
while his intentions are all o. K.
he gets to telling some untruths
which he does not realize which
the lawyers make him say.
so the dog case is over and
after court adjourns he gets to
thinking 1t over. where he has
told several lies regarding this
matter under questioning and he
goes and tells the court and he is
tried for perjury before jury COM
posed of fellow citizens who he
has told the exact truth to all his
life and the only reason they don't
send him to the chair is because
the law says ninety days 10 all he
can get.
1T might have been easy to get
away with the truth on all occa-
sicns, and the whole truth, while
George W. Washington is alive, but
on account OF the well-known ad-
vance Of civilization It is getting
more difficult all the time.
The Government hands you an
income tax blank which 1t Is SO
hard to tell the truth onto 1t that
you gotta hire a lawyer and a ex-
pert accountant and a notry public
for to do It for you, and when they
get through fggering they make
you out liar because you answer
a question that you think means
something and 1t means something
else.
The exact truth is not so very
popular with a lot Of people. A
darn lie that is polished UP and
made to sound like the truth Is q
lot more entertaining.
There have been 1876 Ameri-
can authors come back from Mos
COW in the past two years, and each
one has wrote book which is en-
titled: The Truth About Russia,
and the only two facts that any OF
them books agrees on is that Le-
nine is bald.headed and that Leon
Trotzky once lived in the Bronx.
"A passed. Of diplomats get to-
gether to find out what to do about
the Pacific Ocean, and they tell
some very entertaining stories and
everybody has a good time and
they all go home. First thing they
know, somebody will tell the truth
at one OF these meetings and then
the beans will be spilled.
"A bird starts a newspaper in my
Old home town and his motto is:
The Truth at All Times and he
makes good on this. He tells the
exact truth about our burg, and
one night after he gets out his first
issue he finds himself in a nice
coat Of tar and feathers, locked In
a box car and on his way some
where else.
Personally always aim to tel,
the truth when l have to tell any
thing at all, which is not my habf
or custom"
$50 fur as George W. Washing
ton is concerned" says Elias @
Higginbotham. rhe Is entitled to q
lot Of credit for always telling the
truth. at that"
, Maybe So" says Quincy. "But
3 he has a cinch at that and he aim,
I entitled 10 as much credit IS am
o He cannot tell q lie. can, but
WON'T
The Washington times., 1922-02-26
Disappointment.

SSu0W'S the new office going.
III Ike?- asked BENJAMIN.
"Rotten," was the reply. When
] first took fits on the first floor,
you know-there was an oil and
color shop below. But the very
day paid the FIRST insurance pre-
MUM the Gilman moved out and the
fre brigade took the ground floor
for Q station
The Washington times., 1922-02-26
Heard Along
Broadway
She Did.

INSPECTOR Ito little girl IN front
row)-What is your name7
Little Girl-Iona.
Tnspector-No, your surname.
Little Girl-Please, sir, I would
tther not tell you.
Inspector-Come. come. you
eedn't be afraid OF me.
Little Girl-Are you sure you
son't laugh?
Inspector-Quite. OF course ]
Won't laugh.
Little Girl-Please. sir. It's Ford.
The Washington times., 1922-02-26
Last Resort.

AN American millionaire was
IA bringing his beautiful young
wife to Europe in order to have her
portrait painted.
But, why don't you try home
talent?" a friend asked him.
"Oh." he answered, we've tried
home talent in vaini Now we're
going to see what the genuine cid
masters can do"
The Washington times., 1922-02-26
Know Him?

ffDA, what is a near-humorist"
"A near-humorlst, son, Is a
person who says. when he finds on
oyster in a stew. "Wcll, we'll, little
stranger. what are you doing
here"
The Washington times., 1922-02-26
Sarcasm.

EDIT0R-This joke is not new.
- Freshman-lt has never been
printed before.
Editor--It was an awful over
sight on the part of Noah, thsn.s
The Washington times., 1922-02-26
Inspiration (Forbidden)

~ IL SHAKESPEARE tipped the flowing bowl
w Like many other sons of Adam.
w midsummer Nights Dream" from his soul
He writ evening when he had 'em.
And Hamlet" Lear" and Julius Caesar
Down at the Mermaid Inn he found en-
He quaHed the sack did Bill, the seezer,
And wrote those mystic lines around en-
If introduced he were to-day
To VoIstead, what would Bill Shake ssy7
And Bobby Burns, he . wild one.
And Byron used to squeeze the bottle.
Fen Goldsmith used to hoist a mild
And Wordsworth slyy moist his throttle.
And Edgar Allan Poe collected
A trained menagerie of gators
That were by amber brew reflected,
Brought by . regiment of waiters-
And still some people wonder why
Poe's poetry never dry.
Alas, for all tho thorax wetters
OF bygone days, Of all condition,
Known to the world of Art and Letters,
What would they say of Prohibition
What matters If drought-smittenf
The good stuH-it has all been written
The Washington times., 1922-02-26
She Was Glad, Just the Same

SSVOU will" said the attorney dur
4 ing the course Of their con
sultation, you will get Jour third
- of the estate"
"Oh!" exclaimed the widow
aghast, how can you say such
thing with my second Scarcely cold
In his grave"
The Washington times., 1922-02-26

sonny?"
''Takin' him to the dog show"
But you can't win . prise With
him"
well, they may give me . spe
cial prize for shown the kind Of
dog that no dog ought to be-"
The Washington times., 1922-02-26

your SAFE. " mig he - hhSOh'
scious open the safe yourself
When he comes too, show him
there isn't anything valuable in
the safe anyhow. and prove to him
that you are broke" by showing
him the last receipted bill you paid
your wife's milliner. No doubt. the
burglar will apologize, and II he's
a married man he'll not only spol-
ogize but sympathize with you as
well.
Maybe, too. he'll show you sew
eral unpaid bills from his wife's
milliner or dressmaker that have
driven him to calling after mid
night to inspect various mems
safes. Then the feeling between
you and the burglar will become
mutual. In fact, we have known
many instances where lifelong
friendships have sprung up in this
manner.
Slxth-Should you discover a
burglar in your cellar 1t is very
proper etiquette to approach him
and inquire II he has ever tasted
any better home-brew than yours.
II the burglar is well-bred he'll tell
you he has not, and this should
please you to such an extent that
you should show your manners by
taking him through the house and
point out the most valuable pieces
OF silverware, etc, for him to pur'
loin.
After you have assisted him in
tying up his sack, escort him to the
front door, and do not forget to
invite him to call again. However
do not call him a taxi or take him
home in your car. To do this Is
very courteous on your part, but II
may interfere with his business, as
he may have several other calls &c
make.
Seventh-If you're q sound sleep
er It is proper etiquette to leave
placard in the living room Of
library, something on the following
order:
TO BURGLARS:
II you wish to take the piano,
buffet or mahogany table, and
II It is too heavy for you to
move, kindly push third button
to the right OF this card. This
will ring an electric bell in my
room and I'll be down imme
diately to assist you
(Signed, JOHN JONES.
Resident.
Eighth-It Is proper etiquett
that you give burglar the nam
and addresses OF several friends o
yours who have been winners 4
your last few sittings at poker.
The Washington times., 1922-02-26
Growls of a Crouch

VvYHEN a man is made OF
w money /. woman will think
w twice about changing him.
The Washington times., 1922-02-26

Divorce is often the sincerest
form OF hattery.
The Washington times., 1922-02-26

Fifth avenue r. 80 crowded with
nappers that it's about oil the traf-
No Siu "hArs..
The Washington times., 1922-02-26

A woman can be sent to prison
for making counterfeit bills, but
not for running up genuine ones.
The Washington times., 1922-02-26

Tho altitude record Is held by an
aviator. with . fashionably dressed
girl . close second.
The Washington times., 1922-02-26

Women used to wear red flannel
petticoats and prevent wrecks;
now they don't wear any petticoats
and cause collisions.
The Washington times., 1922-02-26

coSsright isac. by Star Co
The Washington times., 1922-02-26

Sometimes people drop out of So
ciety, and sometimes society slides
out from under them.
The Washington times., 1922-02-26

Broadway bankruptcy is general
ly due to lack and a lass.
The Washington times., 1922-02-26
An Example.

StIyTHAT are you doing with that
" miserable looking cur,
The Washington times., 1922-02-26

Great Britain Rights Reserved
The Washington times., 1922-02-26

r fave you ever noticed that
r. all the memory courses and
= = mind training methods ad
The Washington times., 1922-02-26

r lows your coal holding outr
n Better begin to count -
I 4 Jumps because We have Il on
The Washington times., 1922-11-15

Send the coupon for To-Day Tube Note how clean the
teeth feel after using Mark the absence of the vsccus Aim
See how teeth whiten the flm-coats disappear.
Then decide for you and yours by what
and feel Cut the coupon you won't forget
The Washington times., 1922-11-15
HAz|NG CHARGE
WILL Be TRIED
BY NEW BOARD
Midshipman Goes Before Court
With Commander Downs
As Head.

ANNAPOLIS, Md, Nov l5.-
With court-marual OF entirely
changed personnel from that which
has been trying other cases OF haz-
ing at the Naval Academy, Mid
shipman Jack ii. Kearns, OF Okla.
homa, a member of the first class,
went on trial yesterday, charged
with hazing Fourth Classman Neal
II. Campbell.
Comdr. John Downs heads the
new court, with Lieut.. Comdr.
James Parker, jr., and A. w.
Denny as members. Kearns is de.
Tended by Henry A. Baker, a Wash
ington attorney; Lieut.. Comdr. A. E.
Rogers and Lieutenant Spencer.
The specifications are two In
number and are along lines different
from those which have been brought
out in any other cases during the
present series, as they relate to prac-
tees at the table during meals, such
things having formerly been a large
element of hazing, but specially
warned against by Admiral Wilson.
Mr.. Baker, of counsel for the de-
fense, moved to strike out the speci.
fications on ground of indefiniteness
and failure TO properly support the
charge of hazing under the defina-
ton by act of Congress.
The Washington times., 1922-11-15

troubles 90 somebody. be mighty
careful who you tell 'em 90.
Don't you. Mrs, tear right over
20 that hardbOiled. fascinating
neighbor who Is kidding her nus
band along, runs her home like
rOadhOuse and flirts OutrageOusly.
And don't you, Mr., dash down 10
a selfish old bachelor whose chief
joy IN life is makin1 trouble for
married folks.
These kinda people do more 10
keep divorces rolling up than un.
happy marriages do.
They can seem so underst anding
and sympathetic. and all the while
they are making you feel like a
martyr and fixing il for you 10 fall
out altogether.
'NO man Is worth a tear. my
dear" says the beautiful diyOrcee
who can fill her house full Of good
looking chaps. "YOu know how
some men are; they'll go anywhere
for a drink and good time. Don't
spoil your pretty forehead frOwn-
band Of yours; come over this eve
ming and meet some Of the boys.
know yOu'll Just love Tom, Dick
and Harry"
SERVES you right. old boy"
says the selfish bachelor. You
don't see me getting married do
you? I wouldn't be tied down To
the best woman ON earth. Forget
il. and. let's step out"
And that the beginning Of the
end.
"Dick Is terribly attracted TO
YOU. says the doubtful hostess TO
the little wife. Don't treat him
80 badly. What harm Is there I'm
il? Surely, you didn't intend to
give up innocent friendships with
interesting men when you mar.
ried?"
GO TO OLD TIMERS.
Lets drop around and see the
girls. Sess has developed an awful
case on you, old fellow! Aw. what's
Ihe harm, they're nice girls. I've
got some liquor up there, too"
And that's how il IL.
No, IL instead OF heading into
this sort Of advice, n young couple
scOOt out and tell their troubles to
old folks who have weathered the
ways of matrimOny for many a
good long year and would laugh
at their foolish little quarrel and
tell them Of dozens worse they
patched up, IL would he SO much
better all around.
ITHACA thar faIIxs ara inst the
undertOw that drags honeymoon
ers out and then washes them
ashOre-wrecks.
The Washington times., 1922-11-15
LONG IS NEW
HEAD Of NAVY
IN NEAR EAST
Bristol Associate Observer at
Lausanne and on DipIo-
matte Mission.

Rear Admiral A. T. Long, with
has succeeded Rear Admiral Mark
Bristol in command of American
naval forces i'm and about Con-
serving in an almost purely diplo.
matte capacity, II was learned here
today. Admiral Bristol remains
American commissioner.
Al the same time, lit was an
nounced by the State Department
that Admiral Bristol had been
named associate observer" for the
United States at the Lausanne con-
ference, Ambassador to Italy Rich
ard Washburn Child and minister
TO Switzerland Joseph s. Grew. II
was announced, will act as "observ-
ers."
Admiral Rristors duties In Con
stantinople. II was explained, would
make IL impossible for him to be
present In Lausanne throughout the
peace conference, and, for this
reason, IL was asserted, he was
made an associate"
Officials OF the State Department
We're reluctant to discuss the exact
status of the American observers
and the nature Of the instructions
sent them from Washington. The
United States. it has been stated Of
ficially. is not concerned in terri-
torial adjustments I'm the Near East,
but feels an interest In the freedom
of the Straits. the capitulations and
the maintenance Of an open door"
policy.
Admiral Long, it is understood.
has very positive orders to avoid
any joint military action with the
allied naval forces in the Turkish
zone. While the twenty destroyers
under his command are strategically
distributed through the water in
and about the Straits, they are not
IL is said authorized to engage in
military operations with the allies.
The Washington times., 1922-11-15
Or Get Advice From Domestic Heroes
of a Hundred Quarrels..

life members Of the Ananias Club.
Anyway, II don't take cross
word TO make a quarrel.
Sometimes il starts because
something wasn't said at all; but no
matter how il starts, it's the finish
that counts.
When your quarrel does come it's
better to shut yourself in and have
a good cry, Mrs. and better to
gnash your teeth and slam the door
and go for a long walk, Mr..
But il YOU have to tell your
The Washington times., 1922-11-15
BY FAY KING.

When you backtrack your honey.
moon, dust off the wedding
presents and start to settle down
right don't worry II you have
little spat soon.
It's bound to come.
A little quarrel now and then
has cot to happen, and i always
put these folks who say they have
been married thirty-five years with.
out cross word down IA honorary
The Washington times., 1922-11-15
Visit the nearest Exide Service Station

Harrlsonburs. Exide Service Sta
tion.
Leesburs, Lambert Motor Co.
Norton, Lltton Motor Co.
Reedvtile. Palmer q Moore.
saItsville, Sauls q McNew.
staunton. staurton Battery Shop.
strasburg, G, w Edmords.
wsrrenton. Exide Battery Service
station.
Warsaw--warne & Thomas.
winchester. y. NJ. Reynolds Co.
WEST VIRGINIA
BIuefield. Motor Sales Co.
Buckhsnnon, koon 4 Brewster
storage Battery &c
Charlestown, Cbariestown battery
s<rrvice station.
The Washington times., 1922-11-15

Careful people of some fifty nations now
use new way of teeth cleaning. To millions
of women in every cline it is bringing pref
tier teeth.
Leading dentists, all the world over, are
advising its adoption. 1t means better tooth
protection.
Are you still clinging to old methods, when
all about you you can see what this new
method does1
You must fight film
Old ways of teeth cleaning proved disap-
pointing. Teeth still discolored, still decayed,
as most people know. Tooth troubles con-
stantly increased until very few escaped.
Dental science found the reason ina film.
In that viscous film you feel 1t clings to
teeth, enters crevices and stays. Food stains,
etc., discolor 1t. Then 1t forms dingy coats.
Tartar Is based on film.
The, ordinary tooth paste does not effec-
The Washington times., 1922-11-15
Beauties of All Races
All get their white teeth in this new-day way

based on modern research. The name Is Pep
sodent. Those two great film combatants afs
now embodied in it for daily application.
A new dental era
Pepsodent brings other effects now found
to be essential. Thus it is bringing to count
less homes a new dental era.
1t multiplies the starch digestant In the
saliva That is there to digest starch deposits
which otherwise ferment and form acids.
It multplies the alkalinity OF the saliva.
That is Natures neutralizer for the acids
which cause decay. The former tooth pastes,
which proved so ineffective, brought just op-
posite effects
1t polishes the teeth 30 film less easily
adheres.
Thus Pepsodent combines the best that
modern science offers to fight enemies Of
teeth.
The Washington times., 1922-11-15

MARYLAND.
Ednor, Bond Brothers.
Indian Head. Roland y. Carpenter.
Waldorf, Orem Motor Co.
Rockville SUBURBAN Electrical Co.
VIRGINIA.
Appaiachia, Smyth Garage.
Clifton Forge, shetland Motor Car
Co.
Coeburn. Coeburn Storage Battery
Co.
Bristol. Marion Auto Service Co.
Bridgewater, ID. \. Thomas.
Cane Charles. Cape Charles Ma
chine Shop.
Charlottesville. irving Way hin Co.
Covington, W. n. Carper.
Danville, T.. e, Buckner.
Fredericksburg. y. T.. Rowe. Jr.
The Washington times., 1922-11-15
IN WASHINGTON.

~ WASHINGTON.
Ftterser Battery Service. Inc, 14i7
Irving st. y. w.
Eureka Auto supply Co., 1929 14th
81. n. W.
McCurdy Brothers, $3.50 Georgia
~ Ave. y. W.
walton Battery Co.. 1908 18th st.
N. W.
Northeast Battery shop. 1000 18th
81. n. r..
Julius Herbert Rleley, csc Penn
sylvania Ave. s. r..
w, n. Robinson, sei t2th Sc. n. W.
l.. NJ. staliinps. 500 New Jersey Ave.
The Electric storage Battery Co..
Is23-33 l. 81. n. w.
The Washington times., 1922-11-15

lively combat It. So the we'll brushed teeth
of millions were kept clouded more or less
by that film.
Film also holds food substance which fer
ments and forms acid. 1t holds the acid in
contact with the teeth to cause decay. 1t
forms breeding place for germs, and they,
with tartar, are the chief cause of pyorrhea.
Despite the tooth brush. all those troubles
became alarming in extent
Now they combat it
Millions now combat that film. Dental re-
search found two effective ways. One acts to
curdle film, one to remove 1t. This is done
daily and gently. without the use of harmful
grit.
Able authorities proved these methods by
many careful tests Now leading dentists
everywhere advise them.
A new-typs tooth paste has been created.
The Washington times., 1922-11-15
Now they combat it
Let Children Try It

Do let your children suffer what you have suffered
your Teach them this newday method Dentists
advise that children Pepsodent from the time the first
tooth appears.
Watch the results their teeth for week and you'll realize
why they need It.