davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
New-York tribune., 1922-04-07
Departing Park Avenue

Borough President Miller proposes
to relieve north and south vehicular
congestion by absorbing into the
street area the central park areas
Of Park Avenue north of the Grand
Central Terminal.
If it is not possible to put through
the project to use for traffic the full
space between the curbs, Mr.. Miller
would secure some relief by making
the parking Of equal width. North
of Fifty-sixth Street the highway is
sixteen feet narrower than to the
south, and room for two lines of
traffic could be obtained by cqualiz-
ing the parking.
AS to the restricted roadway at
Thirty-fourth Street, where the
traffic is forced into two narrow
ramps, while it is feasible to give
full street width by making the Van
derbilt tunnel entry at the north side
Of Thirty-fourth Street, Mr.. Miller
says nothing. Nor has he sugges-
ton to make looking to providing bet
ter roadways around the Grand Cen
trail Terminal. Perhaps as he fur
ther studies the question the Bor-
ough President will see that improve
ment south as we'll as north is de-
sirable.
That something must be done to
provide room for north and south
traffic scarcely needs argument.
Conditions steadily become worse.
A Park Avenue betterment, although
it may be expected to be locally op-
posed, will be of some benefit, but it
will not meet the evil. A vehicular
tunnel or second story automobile
street is advocated, but the practi-
cal obstacles seem insuperable. Per-
haps In time the most decrepit of the
elevated structures, no longer used
for transit, can be paved and become
an automobile road for long distance
travel.
New-York tribune., 1922-04-07
International Bonds

The debt obligations among the
nations are q row of bricks. This
country is ct one end and Austria,
the worlds completest ban. rupt, is
at the other.
We having hintcd to Great
Britain that it is time to pay up,
Great Britain nudges France, and
France does not conceal her belief
that Germany and Russia and other
INDECENT powers should pay her
more than the niggardly S3O,OO0,-
600 which under present reparation
arrangements is to reach France
from over the Rhine during the cur
rent year.
The interdebt question has been
discussed from every conceivable
premise. But so far ther- is not
any considerable illumination or
progress toward settlement. Great
Britain carries in her present budget
an appropriation Of $125, 100000 to
send to Washington, but other coun-
tries have taken no action. Each
one pleads it's inability and says it
cannot pay until paid Moreover,
so far as this country is concerned,
while it is held that our government
did enough when it lent its credit,
there is no enthusiasm for pay
ment in goods whose import would
add to American unemployment or
in gold in excess Of our currency
requirements. In one breath we ask
FOR our due and in the next would
not have it.
What is to be done? The most
helpful suggestions thus far made
seem to be those which look to the
creation Of some sort of internation-
al bond, jointly and severally the OBJ
legation Of the various countries,
and allotted at some agreed-on ratio,
which private investors would be
willing to buy and the proceeds OF
which would be used to discharge
the existing debts. This is now
doubtless a counsel of perfection,
conditions not being favorable to
such financial concert, but in time
world opinion may be ready to give
aH 1
fact that the war was fundamentally
g joint undertaking, and thus satisfy
ethical feelings and at the same time
be a practical way out. It would
give TO us not the whole of our ad-
Vances. but large part thereof and
would be a great bulwark to peace
and help on the great task of Geo.
nomic rehabilitation.
New-York tribune., 1922-04-07
-

the jack springs out Of the box I'll.
child stares. The second time the
child giggles. The third time the child
laughs. have observed audiences
doing just this thing at phrases used
second and third time in plays for
emphasis, or reminder, or new shade,
Of meaning.
Just SO, these child-minds accent
formula-their owners drink list.r;ne
and are cured OF their stomach ache
because the bottle IS labeled .'pepsin"
They have not the initiative or til. in
telligence to question the tasts and
decide for themselves. In the thester
anything about mother" is sent-
mental. Anything about "our country"
is patriotic. a drunken man, or a man
whose physical action suggests drunk
enness, is funny. Damn" is funny
So is hell" Therefore, when womsn
half-drunk, looks a. another, wholly
drunk, and says, in effect. Damn it
you're me twenty years from now!" that
must be the quintessence Of double.
distilled humor.
As Augustus Thomas remarked the
other day. we are in darkest Africa
The tragedy of the playwright is biz
audience" 1t isn't that the peopis
who ought to be going to she thssta'
are going to the movies" II Is sss
the people who ought to be going y
the movies" are going to the thesAA
The people who ought TO be going 70
the theater are going to recstals AZ
lectures and art galleries and tkt
opera. Alienated by q small group Of
illiterati, they have not yet BEG
taught to believe that there is bsS
ter element producing better playa
Why should they believe it? A really
intelligent man, of fairly good taste
would go to "The Demi- Virgin" decics
that accidents may happen anywhere
try once more, land in any one OF
forty theaters given DIP 10 dramasisa-
tions of stories that, at twelve, 10
were spanked for reauIng, and tneh
take an oath never to waste another
evening at the play so long as reason
held her thronel
There are a thousand explanations
of laughter in the theater-not only az
efforts to be serious that shouldn't Do
laughed at, but at efforts to be funns
that shouldn't be laughed at. There is
only one true explanation.
They don't know any better!
New-York tribune., 1922-04-07
The Rusting Subway

While subway travel is congested,
the city administration not only con-
tinues to block new construction, but
actually refuses to permit the equip
nent and operation of subways al
!. ready constructed.
In letter to the Board of Esti-
nate Chairman McAneny Of the
Transit Commission points out that
the Fourteenth Street-Eastern Dis
trict line to Brooklyn is rusting in
idleness because the board has re-
fused to sanction minor contracts
which would enable the commission
to put it to work. Already SIT ,000,-
600 has been spent upon this sub
way. The daily interest charges are
$4,000. or $750,O00 a year. Yet be-
cause the board won't act on the plan
to unity and extend the system the
subway remains wholly useless to
the citizens.
Chairman McAneny is naturally
ynystified by this attitude on the part
Of the board and exasperated be-
cause he can get neither from the
board nor the Corporation Counsel,
who acts as it's traction adviser, any
explanation of its refusal to approve
the contracts.
He can, however, infer these rea-
sons from the position of the city ad-
ministration toward the Transit
Commission. Despite the fact that
the law that created the commission
has been upheld by the Court of Ap-
peals, despite the announcement of
the commission that it intends to
maintain the five-cent fare, Mr.. Hy-
Ian has steadily sought to prevent
New-York tribune., 1922-04-07
The Heavy Handed

Mr.. Walter Damrosch deplores the
growth in this country of custom
ancient in the days of Nero. He
notes an increase in the use of the
claque, and finds it spreading from
the opera to the concert halls. Heavy
handed gentry paid to applaud and
often too insistent in giving clients
their moneys worth have invaded
new fields and are bringing callosi-
ties to their hands.
But SO far efforts to effect reform
are futile. A persistent enemy Of
the Institution is said to have lost
the better part of an act of one OF
The most popular operas the other
night, in an unsuccessful atterpt to
run down the chef de claque. But
let US not complain. So far we have
been spared the o>ieurs and the
pteareurs, whose duty it is to laugh
or weep according to the demands of
the moment. Only the bisseurs have
been very much in evidence. 1t NAV
be that the high cost of claques has
entered into the question and that
the claquers' union has insisted on an
American wage scale. Such things
are cheaper in Europe. Ordinary
applause in Paris, according to re-
cent French tariff, was paid at 10
francs. Insistent applause received
10. 4 "Bis" fetched as high as so
francs, and for wild enthusiasm
special sum was generally arranged.
The custom is alien to this coun-
try. and its introduction unwelcome.
But to locate responsibility for its
continuance seems to be as difficult
as to determine who is to blame for
the crime wave.
New-York tribune., 1922-04-07
Shaken and Wan VIII, Care"

Uneasy heavcs the breast that
wears a shield. Where can har-
assed Police Commissioner turn for
solace in his hour of affliction?
Hardly can he rise to his feet at the
banquet board to tell his fellow citi-
zons how we'll they are watched and
tended when evil persons lock up an
entire family in q cellar and depart
with $4,000 worth of silver and
gold. Hardly is the ink dry on his
daily "Four o'clock and all is we'll"
message to the Mayor than he is
told by breathless messenger that
there is dirty work on the public
thoroughfares.
Is a Police Commissioner, who
ought to be making after dinner
speeches and presiding at police
games and standing at the right
hand Of the Mayor on public occa-
sions, to be continually annoyed by
the petitions of citizens to put down
trifing crime? Day after day he
has told them that what crime there
is is merely manifestation of nor
malcy. Yet they insist, and the
Governor insists, that it is his busi-
ness to chase these perfectly normal
criminals out Of the city.
/ Snrclv tbi,,rsc 90
not to concern him. Twenty-Five
thousand citizens have taken out
permits to carry deadly weapons.
Why don't they use these $4,000
deadly weapons on the highwaymen
and permit the Commissioner of
Police to resume the delightful pas
time Of attending banouets and
making witty addresses? 1t is their
lives and their property that is i'm
periled, not the Police Commission
er's. Yet they have the effrontery
to expect him to safeguard them.
No man can be a proper orna-
ment of high official life if he con-
tinually is to be dragged from his
desk to put down disorder. No man
can write charmingly worded en-
comiums of the fair name of the
city if his nerves are racked bv the
suspicion that citizens are running
to the Governor asking for his
removal.
The Police Commissioner is a ner-
eonable and outstanding figure. He
looks every inch an officer. On pa
rade or III the reviewing stand his
appearance creates highly favorable
comment. This ought to be enough
for any city. One cannot maintain
such a serene and august exterior
if one is worried lest he lose his lob.
Yet people maintain that the high
waymen and robbers and gunmen
ought to be driven out of the citv
and that the Police Commissioner is
the man who ought to drive them
New-York tribune., 1922-04-07

Books being scarce this morning,
something may be written about
laughter as it occurs in the thcaters at
times when it ought not to do so.
Sydney Smith said that daughter is
caused by that which creates surprise
and only surprise"
If that diagnosis is correct, the rcs-
son audiences laugh in the wrong place
is not entirely that they lack intclli-
gencc. 1t is partly that they have no
pity.
The hypothesis that pity and the other
gentle emotions that modify surprise
and SO check laughter are going the
way OF the lost intestine and the teeth
that have evoluted into hard Jumps of
gum, first occurred to me at "The
Hairy Ape" Mere stupidity--even the
average stupidity Of an average theater
audience-doesn't account for much Of
the mirth that greets the PROVING etown
Players. That stupidity might account
for surprise at occurrences outside the
realm of average thought and expert
cncc, but surprise would be rendered
impotcnt by an admixture Of pity. An
audience that felt sorry for 0'Neips
stoker couldn't laugh at him.
For exhibitions Of this sort in the
theatcr there are two common ex-
cuscs. One Is incptitude in direction
that befogs tho real issue. The other
is hysteria. On rare occasions there is
reason for the first. Arthur Hopkins
has staged the conflict over Anna
Christie, near the end Of the third act
so that It resembles the conflict Of two
dogs fighting over a bone, and, con-
sequently, it is possible to understand
why spectators whose interest is not
very deep may find their risibles ex-
cited. But this does not explain the
merriment that follows Annals fore
sight Of her own future-her poign-
antly tragic speech to the besotted
harlot before her-"You're me twenty
years from now"
AS matter of fact, laughter, under
whatever circumstances Of ineptitude,
affords fair plumb of interest and in
telligence. If our interests are really
enlisted, if our intelligence is active,
we do not notice superficial absurdities.
Only an idiot laughs when his grand
mother drops hot fatiron upon her
bare foot--no matter how amusingly
she does it. A man who is not deeply
concerned, who does not understand the
New-York tribune., 1922-04-07

feminine raiment and the rearing Of
children are not always rigidly re-
spected. At first he busters about
this or secretly worries over it; but
be soon finds out that the easiest
way to happiness is to "let 1t go as
it lays" Which is the beginning Of
conjugal wisdom.
1t is not surprising, therefore,
that an amendment abolishing this
dead-etter pledge from the marriage
ceremony has been offered by the
Committee of Revision Of the Epis-
copal Book Of Common Prayer. No
law that cannot be enforced is a wise
law. This particular law not only is
unenforceable, but no effective pen
atty can be provided for its viola
ton.
1t is also suggested by the commit
tee that the announcement by the
bridegroom "With all my worldly
goods / thee endow" might as well
be dispensed with. The bridegroom
never does endow the bride with all
his worldly goods, and no court in
the land would back up her claim to
his entire property if it were based
only on that assertion.
With these two amendments the
marriage ceremony as set down in
the Book Of Common Prayer will
meet the needs Of the most modern
Of brides. 1nasmuch as equality in
the household was well established
for years before equality at the polls
was taken seriously, it is just as we'll
to admit it frankly at the altar.
New-York tribune., 1922-04-07
any transit plan from being put into

any transit plan from being put into
execution.
Meanwhile it is impossible to make
contracts for new work, or even, as
in this instance. to put into use lines
already constructed. OF course, con-
stantly increasing population makes
transit conditions more intolerable
every day But Mr.. Hylan and his
obstructors on the Board of Esti-
mate apparently care nothing about
that. Utterly unable themselves to
formulate plan for an adequate
transit system, they arc unwilling
for anybody else to do anything.
New-York tribune., 1922-04-07
More Truth Than Poetry
By James J. Montague

Weeks and Weeks and Weeks
We gave in Give Week all we
could;
We tried to dress our best in
Style Week;
In Good Week we were fairly
good,
And grinned considerably in
Smile Week,
Though Prune Week left US
rather cold,
And We were little stirred by
Tripe Week,
Vast fragrant clouds about US
rolled
To show how hard we fell for
Pipe Week.
In Dog Week we secured pup,
But when somebody started Cat
Week
We rcsolutely passed it UP
We didn't care so much for that
Week.
A rather hungry time we had
In following the rules of Toast
Week,
And felt in consequence quite
glad
When it was followed up by
Ghost Week.
We vainly sought to cerebrate
AS we were asked to do in
Think Week.
We lacked the means to dissipate
Which seems to be required in
Drink Week.
Because Of our advancing age
We couldn't celebrate Romance
Week,
Nor could we ardently engage
In pastimes that were set for
Dance Week.
We're rather weak on weeks: in
fact,
We haven't got the pep for
Zest Week,
And find our nerves too badlv
racked
10 get the rest we should in
Rest Week.
And when we hear the fappers
say
That presently we'll have
Cheek Week,
We only can sit back and prav
TO see at last an Anti-Week
Week.
New-York tribune., 1922-04-07
Equality at the Altar

In general the brides nuptial
promise to obey is more honored in
the breach than in the observance.
Doubtless most brides mean 1t when
they repeat it after the clergymen.
Young love holds fast to illusion
even to the illusion of masculine in
fallibility.
But marriage, to remain a going
concern, must become partnership
divided duties and divided re-
sponsibilities. The husband discovers
presently that his mandates about
New-York tribune., 1922-04-07
What Readers Are Thinking

point of interest, this slight departure
on my part from the rules prescribed
for the proper government of the city
was noticed and objected to by no
fewer than six guardians Of the citys
peace within a distance of approximate
ly twelve blocks.
Such efficiency in the support of even
minor regulations certainly indicates
condition of alertness and enterprise
which, if directed into more productive
channels, might we'll secure the results
which we all SO earnestly desire.
C. LEWIS.
New York, April 5, 1922.
New-York tribune., 1922-04-07
Smyrna and Adrianople

10 the Editor of The Tribune.
Sir: If the present settlement OF the
Near Eastern question Is because Of
the religious pressure of the Indian
Manometans, why drive the Greeks out
Of Smyrna, which, body and soul, is
Greek? The Turks themselves call the
district of Smyrna "Perfidious Smvrna D
The settlement gives to the Greeks
Adrianople. which the Turks claim
their sacred city!
The fact is that Greek Smyrna IS
not so profitable to the interested DOW.
ers as would be q Turkish Smyrna.
j. THEODOR.
New York, April 8, 1922.
New-York tribune., 1922-04-07

not that I object to the name o.
Harding, but because many OF us
are attached to the name Lcviatnsh
Aside from being well fitted to s0'
ship, this name aroused deep emos'0n'
in Americans who took part in the wa
The Leviathan was a heroine OF ths
war. wonder whether Presloea'
Harding himself would favor the piss'
ing of his name on this ship. +. D.
Hohoken, N. j., April 4, 1922.
New-York tribune., 1922-04-07
Handy Vault Equipment

To the Editor of The Tribune.
Sir: Apropos of the Shattuck t''
berry and numerous other instances =.
people being shut in vaults by accios''
or design. have this to suggest: in@'
vaults should be equipped with tc's,
phone, electric light, candles wv
matches, a few tools for removing shs
lock and an electric beH button y
summon outside aid.
THEODORE NJ. JOHNSON.
pttston, Pa, April 5, 1922.
New-York tribune., 1922-04-07
The L.eviathan

To the Editor Of The Tribune
Sir: read in your paper of the
Shipping Boards plan to rename their
or rather our, ships after the Presi-
dents of the United States. The Le-
viathan will be rechristened Warren
G. Harding. think the board should
reconsider the case of the Leyiathan;
New-York tribune., 1922-04-07
Excellent Ad

Any wealthy man desiring a little
publicity can at this season of the
year offer his home to Mr.. HARDING
as summer capital-well assured
that he will not be put to the ex-
pense Of making good.
New-York tribune., 1922-04-07

The House of Representatives is
considering a bill providing for the
deportation of alien bootleggers.
Home industries must be protected,
especially when they are engaged in
by Nch large number Of voters.
New-York tribune., 1922-04-07

Ysu can surchase me7ehandisc advertised In the
fkiEUhE With absolute sai,t-tcr II dssstisac-
ten rs,utts In any ea.s THE TRIBUNE suaran-
ssss to pay your money back upon resuest. No red
taes. No aUlbbIlns. We refund promptly II me
advertiser does not
New-York tribune., 1922-04-07


All, All Are Gone, the Old Familiar--
Nay, all this dream Of danes OF ves-
tcryear
Seems idle, and I wot not what it
means;
Behold, it Sights tho ones to mo most
dear,
The garish, glad and golden bur-
lesque queens.
Where is May Howard now, and Lilly
Clay?
Where's Lottie Elliott and Rose
Sydell?
ldylla Vyner, too, that sprightly fay,
And Lille Laurel, fair and bright as
And Mam-selle Uno, with her motley
snakes,
And Mam'selle Avis in her mid-air
whirl?
And Zallah, with her Oriental shakes Z?
And Maude Caswcll, the acrobatic
girl?
The Sisters Engstrom, lovely, statuesque,
Who sang of grand old now~forgot-
ten beer?
All, just to see once moro a. real
burlesquc,
To meet again those queens of veg
teryear! G. r.
Pete demands franticolly ho,c-eve,,
If aOe discard DaraUin-1ye're ooiu1 to
keep oar descendants from referring 10
as as their shimnoyin' ancestors.
In these days Of diluted and high
priced gas we wonder how the Dos
SCISSOR Of a quarter meter finds time
to do anything but stoke it.
Her Poller Dialect
l expect to go home on train
bound for "Jamaiker, Hampstead and
Erster Bay;
| have learned not to- vince when
told that my hair needs a treatment
for which I must make an appewnmcut;
BUT, isn't it demanding too much
Of my endurance when my garage
keeper cheerfully ADVERTISERS: "All
Kinds of Earls for Sale Here?
S. B. LENT.
Feminism has doubtless been adj
vanced by the elimination of the word
"obey'' from the marriage ceremony.
Now, If some one would only do the
Police Department a similar good turn
by striking the Sixth and Eighth Com
mandments from the Dccalogue!
New-York tribune., 1922-04-07
The Towcr
THE DREAMERS

THE DREAM ERS
TIE SAT upon his grandsire's
AA trembling knee
With eyes Of worship. "When Pm
growed," said he,
II want to be as brave and strong
as you,
And have adventures, like you used
to do.
I'll sail the ocean, too, and dig for
gold,
And find the pole, where everything
is cold,
And laugh-like this-at every kind
Of pain
Like you did, Grampa. Tell me once
again
About The time you hung the cattle
thief,
And how the tarnal redskins made
you chief"
The head of gold lay by the silvcrcd
head.
"And maybe some day thcre'll be
war;" he said,
"And folks will cry to see me march
away,
Dressed up in blue to fight the boys
in gray.
And I'll be fierce, like you, and win
the war;
I won't be scared when all the
cannon roar,
But charge into the thickcst of the
fight
Like you did, Grampa-put the Rebs
to flight.
When General Grant rides up and
praises me,
I'll smile-like you-as modest as
can be-"
They sat together, old and very
young.
"I'll be-" he whispercd--on his eye
lids hung
The weight of slecp-"I'll be the
kind of man
That you are, Grampa. Tell me
how you ran
For President and would have won,
except
His voice ran out in slumber So
they slept,
While dusk came creeping through
the shabby room.
They dreamed and neither saw there
in the gloom
An angel with a book, who read
therein
The tale of What VIII Be and What
Has Been.
And hoUiaag read the truth, he gent
ly smiled
Upon the old man dreaming apith
the child.
New-York tribune., 1922-04-07

Police Commissioner Enright prob
ably considered the World War as
mere sllirmisn
New-York tribune., 1922-04-07
Robbing Death of 1t, Sting

A bonded warehouse is a gloomy
looking place, but it is many Ameri-
cans idea Of heaven.
New-York tribune., 1922-04-07
fRER or THE ASSOCIATED rR-ss

lfEMRER or THE ASSOCIATED rRESs
The Associated Press Is exclusively entitled to
the for republic alton o' ali news dispatches
credited 10 Il or not othe ryise credited In this
paper and also this local news CT sporianco ovi.a
pGbljsaed herein
herein siso reserved.
New-York tribune., 1922-04-07

The Mayor has no suggestion for
substitute for the MacMonnies
statue Of Civic Virtue. He doesn
like to offend Mr.. Murphy by propos-
ing a statue Of Mr.. Hearst or Mr..
Hearst by proposing a statue of Mr..
Murphy.
New-York tribune., 1922-04-07

In the estimation Of Democratic
Congressman spokesman is anybody
who for any reason removes any
Democrat from Office.
New-York tribune., 1922-04-07
Not Exactly Neighborly

Scotland sends US whisky and golf
professionals, neither of which helms
US very much.
copyright by James J. Montague)
New-York tribune., 1922-04-07
Subterrancan Frea VIII

T. +. ": l have secn and heard tho
guard-courteous in the subway 1t was
Oil local train, and as he slowed down
for the stop he called out in perfectly
ineligible tones:
Grand Central! Change for cross
town and cXpress-if you want to-"
M. b.