davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1922-09-03

II was eagerly discussed by
Club Women and College Stu
dents.
Good seats down In the obser.
walton Rows were not to be had
except at Scalpers' prices.
The Litry Guy and the Music.
Maker came out of the Rest
Cure to learn that they had re-
gistered a Hit and could get
their names in who's Who"
With the Royalty Checks com.
ing In from Centers Of Culture
they were enabled to buy cars
with which to 60 riding in Lone.
some Country Lanes. far from
the sight Of q billboard.
When the Number Two Com.
pany came along presenting the
Metropolitan Success in the Nne.
Nightcrs. 1t was a Sell-out, be-
cause all the Members Of lc
Research Club wanted to see
that new Dido called the Chicken
Flop.
There was no knocking at the
Lunches that night.
Every ono said the Show was
o Bird. but they thought It was
UP to the Author to resign from
the Baptist Church.
MORAL: In elevsting he
Drama be sure 20 get Il II =
enough, even II you have 10
mako II . trifie Gamey.
tcopyrighL. Isli. by Bell Syndicate. Iss.
The Washington times., 1922-09-03
A NICOTINE TRAVELOGUE.

Young Alvin Piedmont" met
Rick chesterfield, and they took
. Camel" ride across the desert
to see "Fatima." Meeting "Mela-
chrino" there was a fight, In which
the Battle Axe" played q part. II
turned out to be Lucky Strike"
for both. Finally they got to
"Fatima" and found her courting
Prince Albert" who wore .
Tuxedo" and looked like . Snap"
Miss "Murad" was on the "Pall
Mall" and Chesterfield" wished no
was . Beau Brummel," 50 he
could make q hit.
"Fatima" couldn't get 'Prince
Albert" to 60. so she cried, "Omar,
Omar" to try to make him Home
Run"
Phillip Morris" told him to take
the Richmond Straight Cut" and
get home faster, but he acted ma
tural," like Bull Durham" and
got on his Beech Nut cart, and
got home In "1:l1." Il was "Be-
tween the Acts, when Piedmont"
grasped "Fatima's" arm, and Il was
Just like Velvet" and so they de-
eided to play polo" after leaving
"MOgul" and "Violets." They en-
countered Herbert Tareyton"
trying to ride Brown Mule" He
fed him Corn Bread" and gave
him . Red Apple" He wouldn't
go, SO Herbert Tareyton" cried
"Helmar, Helmar," and the scene
was brought to q Climax"
w. K. BURTON.
The Washington times., 1922-09-03
WHY HE NEVER MARRIED.

"Why have never married."
the old bachelor said in reply to a
leading question.
"Well, once upon a time. in a
crowd, I trod on a lady's gown.
She turned furiously. beginning:
You clumsy brute" Then she
smiled sweetly and said: oh, I beg
pardon! thought you were my
husband! No: It really doesn't
matter in the least
And when I came to think II
over, decided that maybe I'd Just
as well let marriage alone"
The Washington times., 1922-09-03
THAT OLD JUG PROBLEM.

E. L. s. evidently . new fan Of
H and 81 submits the jug problem
with which many Of the fans toyed
several years ago. There are a
number Of ways Of working the
problem. but e. L. 8. offers the
quickest way. so we print both the
problem and z. L. SIS solution:
A man has three jugs Of eight,
five and three gallon capacity, the
eight gallon jug containing eight
gallons Of water ION account OF
prohibition).
He has no other measures, but
nevertheless, after n little labor,
In able to divide the water 70 that
the eight gallon and fiyegallon
jugs each contain four gallons.
How does he do its
The Washington times., 1922-09-03

The only Laugh In the Piece was
when the Drop Curtain refused TO
work.
After the Show the Manager
met them at an Oyster House and
told them they had eased a Per-
simmon to him.
VITAL ORGANS REMOVED.
He said the whole Trick was q
Bloomer. It was just as funny as
q Wooden Leg. 1t needed much
Pep and about two tons Of Bo.
KUN.
Both Words and Music refused
to countenance any radical
Changes.
They said It would be another
"Cavalleria" as soon as they could
do II before an intelligent Audience
OF True-Lovers.
The Ex-Minstrel Man said there
wasn't no such animal a. an In.
telligent Playsoer.
The simp that pushed the Metal
into the Box Office wanted Some
thing Doing every minute and
many Gals. otherwise II was back
to the Store House.
The Call on the Board read
Everybody at Ten" but the
brainy Writer and the versatile
Composer were not included.
When they appeared at the
Stage Door they were met by
Props. who told them to get - .
certain Place out Of there
The Washington times., 1922-09-03
HEARD AND SEEN ..

Then, In q thunder Of applause, sp
came the volunteer.
His feet were planted In the earth. no
swunR n warlike club,
The captain saw his awkward pose and
softly whispered .Dub"
The pitcher looked at him and grfnned.
then heaved q mighty ball
The echo Of that fearful swat sttii
fingers with Ms all.
High. fast and far the spheroid flew,
u sailed and sailed away;
It ne'er was found. 50 it's supposed 10
still floats ON today.
Three runs came In. the pennant would
be BuGville's for q year.
sThe fans and players gathered round
to cheer the volunteer.
.'what IL your names" the captain
asked. what is your namef"
cried all,
As down his cheeks great tears Of Joy
were seen to run and fall.
For one brief moment he was still,
then murmured soft and lowi
"Pm the mighty Casey, who struck out
some twenty years asor
The Washington times., 1922-09-03
THE FAMILY ALBUM

I would steal q knife or q fork
do your" hollered pop. mo. I
amt saying anything about knives
and forks" said Lem, but how
do you stand on spoons7'
Pop said that amt no way to
treat probable customers.
Lem told pop that pop had been
hanging around his place for ter
years and was still a probable
customer. Pop said. "You
oughtn't get sarcastic that way.
You can catch more flies with
sugar than you can with vinegar"
Maybe you can. but who wants
flies" said Lem, letting 60 of
The Washington times., 1922-09-03
SAFETY LAST.
FLORENCE HOAGLAND has

collected some of the many au-
tomobile epitaphs that are float
ing around:
Lies Numbering here one william Lake.
Heard the bell, but had no brake.
At fifty miles drove Ole Ptdd;
He thought he wouldn't skid. but he
At ninety miles drove Eddie shawn,
The motor stopped but Ed" kept on.
Here he sleeps, one johnnie Fonker;
He rounded . turn without . honker.
Down I'm the creek sleeps Jerry Bass,
The bridge was narrow, he tried 10
pass.
Beneath this hill sleeps william Raines,
Ice on the hul-he had no chains.
Here lies the body Of william jay,
Who died maintaining his right Of way.
Here rest the remains Of PercivaI sapp.
He drove his machine with . girl In
his lap.
The Washington times., 1922-09-03

do our worst to the refreshment
arrangements.
How much a ticket? said
pop.
There amt no tickets, said
Lem. Everything free"
Like your lunch?" said pop.
Yes" said Lem.
"Tve been choked enough" said
pop. I'D rather pay for anything
free" You've been saying that
for years." said Lem.
Anyway" Lem told pop. "free
The Washington times., 1922-09-03

"HAT's a picture taken of
pop during the dedication
u ceremonies to the free
lunch in Lem Beazley's saloon.
Pop was proceeding with appro-
pirate gestures when Lem
chained the bulldog to the cash
register and then came out from
behind the bar and grabbed pop
by most Of his neck.
"whattamattah" pop hollered.
choking exclusively on some
olives. Amt this free .unch?"
"Only the lunch is free" Lem
told pop. the knives and forks
are e1tra-"/
You don't mean to say that
The Washington times., 1922-09-03
VERY UNUSUAL.

The recruit was weighted down
with orders by the sergeant-mato tor
when he went on barrack guard.
He was told to be sure and turn
out the guard for any unusual
occurrences. So at 10 p. m, as
the sergeant-major came smarty
through the gate the recruit
turned out the guard.
When the sulphurous atmos-
phere had cleared q little and the
recruit was allowed to speak. he
reported his reason for turning
out the guard.
Unusual occurrence" he said.
"sergeant-major in barracks at 10
p. m, sober"
The Washington times., 1922-09-03
ESSENTIALS OF A KISS.

The kiss Is the first physical
manifestation of love. That its
supreme purpose, its sweetness
and Joy. may be enjoyed. It must
be spontaneous. liberal and un-
affected. II must come from the
inner vibration Of the heart.
Spontaniety and responsiveness
are the two elements Of the kiss.
Without them 1t loses it's full
value. r. b. A.
The Washington times., 1922-09-03
A DIAMOND.
KNOCKING THE MOVIES.
H. SMITH.

Some people knock the movies (ysu
know the folks ! mean)
And all the actor-eens they criticize.
I reckon they can't go the sermon
preached upon the seroen,
There must be sumpin' dead wrong
with their eyesi
I know lie true they're jss.in' up
things awful much these day.
They're syneopatin' everything In life.
It's the jaxz that brings the doliari
It's the Dsise. be, what pays. and tes
much "Jszzin" IL maxim too much
strife,
So, why Just knock the movies, the
dance, the song. the play
Den't be TOO deaf to hear. nss blind
Just push aside the Jazs psrt-the
And there you'll find the real thing
Melody.
The Washington times., 1922-09-03
CON TEN PL A TION.

Beyond the reaping and the sew.
ing,
will be going soon.
Beyond the blowing and the snow.
ing,
will be going soon.
Beyond the borrowing and tho
owing,
will be going soon.
The sun In beaming hot these days,
But where I am going IL will be
hotter
Unless I quickly mend my ways,
And try to escape the old arch
plotter.
BOSTON RUSSELL.
The Washington times., 1922-09-03
A COLUMN YELL.

We've printed q number Of sug-
gestions for a column yell. The
one below comes from LYNN
WALKER, Piedmont, w. Va.
and the fans may look Il over and
see II they can suggest anything
better:
Haw, Haw, hear our giee
Dur column Is immense, you secs
Raw, raw, raw, who are we?
Just plain nuts Of the q. O. @.
The Washington times., 1922-09-03

well. come on over anyway"
said Lem. we want your advice
on some unimportant subjects"
Who's got the choking privl-
ieges over ut your place this week."
sad pop, who feared no man his
size and weight over q telephone.
Lem passed this remark over
without cussing pop for his
whiskers, although it 10 kind Of
hard to change the habits OF .
lifetime.
The Washington times., 1922-09-03
THE TELEPHONE GIRL.

The telephone girl sits stili In her
chair.
And listens to voices from everywhere.
She hears all the gossip. she hears al
the news,
She know, who Is happy. snd who has
She knows all our sorrows and al Of
She Knows all tho girls who are ehas-
Ing the boysi
She knows Of our troubles. she knows
OF our strife,
She knows every man who is mean 10
his wife;
She knows every time We arc out with
the boys,
She hear. the excuse each fellow en-
II the telephone girl would tell al she
It would turn half our friends into bit
terest foes.
She could sow q small wind that weaid
turn TO Q gale,
EnEulf us In trouble and land ~ IN
jail.
In fact she could keep the whole town
In Q stew.
II she told the tenth part Of the things
that she knew.
Now doesn't IL mako your schinE head
When you think Of the trials Of the
telephone girl.
SIS AND BOBBY.
The Washington times., 1922-09-03
BY "BUGS" BAER

What! You amt going to sell
your vote. are you," hollered Lem,
through his clinched mustache.
Sure" said pop. How about
the principle of the thing7" said
Lem.
Principle is a plea In bank
ruptcy." said pop, accepting the
two dollars. Then they were very
good friends right up until the
minute that Lem kicked pop
through the doors.
Well, goodby. and don't forget
to put stamps on your letters.
tCepyrtEht lsa2. By Star Cs.)
The Washington times., 1922-09-03
BOOZE ISLANDS.

News item states that Ameri-
cans are buying up all the small
islands In the Bahamas).
In Bahamas beautiful islands
Old booze Il going into camp,
There to console rich men
And make Joyous the vamp.
The souses and the soaIss
Have at last found spots
Where they can fill their skins
In wholesale and retail lots.
,... ... III. +. II.
The Washington times., 1922-09-03

He started to turn States evi.
dence on the free lunch and in
formed pop there was tomatoes,
corn and sliced bologna just wait
ing for a man who looked like pop
to spear II. Pop didn't know It but
Lem needed his vote bad.
The Washington times., 1922-09-03
FLIRTING WITH YE Ed,
AND KISSING

We and the Goat have great fun
opening the mail Of the contribs.
When the weather Ia hot the con-
tribs are quite lazy, the mail is
light and the editor has to work
and sweat. But there is always
amusement. Addressing the col
umn with crazy addresses has been
a fayorite pastime Of contribs,
with consequent worry to the pos
tai authorities. On the back Of a
letter today was written this:
written In pencil,
Sealed with . kiss;
Love TO the one
Who opens this"
Our Geraldine is not q bit 1eal-
GUS. and 30 It 10 all right. A kiss
sent this way does US no harm.
There Is much talk now Of sending
them by radio, but we don't be-
lieye the radio kind will ever get
anywhere. BY the time they sift
through tree tops and other OBJ
structions they will never be what
they are when personally de-
livered.
You often see in breach -of-proni-
tse suits where some old fool sends
q girl 1000 kisses by mail-at the
bottom Of the silly letter he writes
her. Some of them make 1t q mil
lion. They draw ink spots to rep
resent kisses. When she sues In
court and the Jurors see those
kisses we don't wonder that they
give a hunk of the guys money to
the injured lady. They ought to.
II the old guy is just bunking the
lady-trying to deceive her, as so
many men do women-he ought to
have to pay for the bunk. II he
meant II and backed out he ought
to pay for that.
The moral. though. Is that there
In Just one kind of kiss-personally
delivered or received. Where there
are no witnesses II may not cost as
much In a court case.
We feel sorry for the bald-headed
man who is kissed on his top-piece
by a flapper-poesibly his stenog.
rapher. When she kisses him on
his bald head II should be plain to
him that II IN wholly platonic, and
that she merely wishes to conserve
his good favor. II there was any
prospect that the hair would grow
again on the spot where she kisses
him. IL would be all right, but the
chances are that she will merely
leave q touch Of lipstick there.
q G0 q
The Washington times., 1922-09-03

There was 1s6,7so votes In our
district and every voter had turned
Lew down hard and stony. So he
NEEDED pops vote to make a credit
able showing.
The Washington times., 1922-09-03

Pop went over to LENS and
told Lem he could have his vote
for two dollars. win or lose, pref
srably the latter.
The Washington times., 1922-09-03
HE BECAME AN AMBASSADOR.

You wish to enter the diplo.
matte service? Can you give any
proof Of discretion and tact?"
Yes, / once entered, by mistake.
a room where a lady was taking Il
bath"
Yes. and what did you do?"
"I said, I beg your pardon, sir,
and then withdrew" BREEZE.
The Washington times., 1922-09-03

pops neck to get a better grip.
Well. pop came home. with his
faith in humanity pretty well in
timidated. But then Lem must
have felt kind Of sorry for his
afternoon conduct because he
called pop up and said, Come on
over, we've got some new free
lunch in that has been tampered
with very little, II any"
But Pop smelled something
fraudulent in the decoy. What
do you want" he asked Lem.
Beazley said he was giving a pic
MO next Sunday and for pop to
bring nom and US kids along to
The Washington times., 1922-09-03

John Roife. q true Virginia blade.
A gentleman of mettle.
A mash on Pocahontas made
But paid q copper kettle.
But John today would be Q pill
To do q thing 80 rash:
He'd have his copper kettle still
And still would make q mash.
Louisville Courier J ournal.
The Washington times., 1922-09-03

auto rides, free drinks, free eats
and free music"
The Washington times., 1922-09-03
REASON ENOUGH.

One of the boys Of the village
had a habit Of walking about
speaking TO himself.
One day the minister met him
and said: "I notice, Dick, that you
speak lot to yourself. What ex-
actly are your reasons for it?"
"Well, sir, l have two. The first
is that nothing pleases me better
than to speak to a sensible man,
and the second is that like to
have a sensible man speaking to
me-"
The Washington times., 1922-09-03

"Ain't you goingT' asked Lem.
"If am. I'm back already" said
pop. snickeringly.
The Washington times., 1922-09-03

Fifty smackers amt much for
q picnic" said pop. but next time
you give one Of those picnics.
print some tickets for It."
The Washington times., 1922-09-03

"How much a ticket7" said pop.
sticking to his original mistake.
The Washington times., 1922-09-03

pops neck to get a better grip.
The Washington times., 1922-09-03

mo tickets" said Lem, "every-
thing free. All you got to do is
to contribute fifty beans to ths
Lem Beazley Senator Association
that 10 guaranteed to place Lem
Beazley into the u. 8. Senate 10
protect the rights of the working
man. II he's got any2'
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1922-05-26
LAY CORNER STONE
OF CHAPEL TUESDAY
Ceremony at Site of New ST.
Matthews Roman Cath
Ollie Church.

The laying of the corner stone Of
the new ST Matthew'S Roman Cath
Ollie chapel on s. Miami S.. viii take
place az $3.50 o'clock on Memorial
Day. A program for the afternoon
is being arranged by the building
committee At the present time
volunteers from the parish are work
ing on the foundation OF the chapel
When erected the chapel will
take care Of 900 people. Al the
present time the new parish has a
membership OF 200 As soon as the
chapel is completed the work on a
new school building will be started
and will be ready for occupancy when
the fall term Of school opens. The
present brick house located on the
property will be used as a rectory.
and one OF the frame buildings Will
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1922-05-26
So NERVOUS SHE
WOULD ALMOST
SCREAM ALOUD
Mrs. Frush Gives a Strong
Story of Her Suferings-
Declares That Tanlac Has
Restored Her to Finest
Health.

''Tanlac has proved TO be the right
medicine for me-" said Mrs. Rae
Frush, 326 Hamilton St. toledo, o.
About two years ago my stomach
began bothering me and I got so I
could scarcely eat anything without
suffering the worst kind of indiges-
ton. 1 had a stuffed up feeling and
severe pains in my stomach and
chest. I was so weak and nervous
I couldn't even sweep room with
out stopping TO rest. The least noise,
and sometimes the prattle of my
baby would get me so nervous I
would almost scream out loud
Awful nausea and sick headache
added 10 my troubles and I almost
despaired of ever regaining my
health
"A nurse told me how fine Tanlac
would be in my case and l tried it,
I have been built up 10 where I can
do all my homework, have a good
appetite. my nerves are steady and
in fact I enjoy the finest health. I
am only too glad to tell others about
this grand medicine"
Tanlac is sold by all good drug
gists q
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1922-05-26
DASH INTO IRISH
zone OF WAR Is
LIKE OLD FRANCE
Barbed Wire Entanglements,
Trenches and ArmOred Cars,
Correspondent Tells.

BELFAST. May %. - Picture a
zone. about half a mile wide-a no
mans land extending for approx
rnately 200 miles with opposing
armed groups facing one another at
every vantage point. and one gets
some rorlon OF the border separating
Ulster province from the Irish free
state
Sandbag entertainments. .snipers.
machine guns. bar5ed wire entang1e-
msnts-aIl are present 20 make the
scene as reminiscent az possible OF
France between 1914 and 1915 Only
the bomb thrOwers are absent So far.
The forces are not yet near enough
20 make their services Of value.
Civil war looms darkly on the
horizon and both sides are prepared
for 70.
The car containing the Interna-
tionaI News service correspo
dashed from the barracks al Caledon
a. g. rn.Ies an hour. II Is unwise
20 daily fhcss parts for there are
enipers everywhere.
Armored Car on Rounds.
a few minutes before the autOmo-
bile carrying the correspondent start
ed out an armored car carrying 10
men with machine guns and rifles
had sped over the same road on its
regular rounds The armored car Is
the safest means Of conveyance in
these parts and when traveller
wants 20 be absolutely safe that il
the way he Journeys.
The motor car went on 10 the next
outpost II was we'll placed. fairly
sheltered By trees and barbed wire.
the barbados extending for several
hundred yards
Primroses and viOlets were bloom
ing all around and Il looked like a
peaceful tranquil spot.
Six hundred yards away was a
very pretty Irish country house. One
could see that the garden must have
had about 100 years Of tending But
the owners were away from home.
So me young gentleman belonging to
the Irish republican army had in
vited them cat the point OF rifies) TO
leave. The initiation was accepted.
60 the young republicans took posses
sion. Juggling I'm several machine guns
which they mounted on the roof.
Farmer Ordered From Home.
After the correspondent and his
companions had been at the outpost
for some hours. the republicans took
- into their heads that things were
altogether toe reposeful so they
opened up with machine gun. Oc-
casionally rifle shot struck the hut.
After a three minute squirt OF FIR
ing. the republicans quit but later re-
newed H.
A farmer approached the outpost
crawling on hands and knees.
you are taking your life in your
hands" warned the commandment.
IT know" replied the farmer. but
what about NY cattle and horses?
They must be looked after"
The farmer had been ordered out
OF his home by republicans, but was
allowed 20 attend 70 his stock.
This gives a fair picture Of condi-
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1922-05-26

-ions Day after day such raids.
forays and fuslllades continue All
along the rich CIogher valley. one Of
the finest pieces OF agricultural land
In the world. everything is held up
because of the guerilla warfare.
Sometimes IL, il merely casual Ar
ing. sometimes the republicans. heav-
ily armed and in large groups max
ing a flying raid over the frontier o.
one Of the border counties The po-
lice (who are really soldiers). do not
tackled first
Life Constantly in Peril.
Naturally the nerves of residents
of the frontier are strung 20 con-
cert pitch. They only ask 20 be let
alone. but they never know when d
stray bullet viii pass through WIN
dow. killing someone. kdnaplngs
are common. also. Large mum oers OF
frontier residents left penniless, de-
parted for America
The nerves Of the police also are
Incoming unstrung. They dare not
venture out. even into the village
streets. unless armed and literally
with finger on trigger. Even when
the police start out on a raid their
Intentions become mysteriously
known and. they expect an ambus-
cade. What angers the police more
than anything else is that the arms
and ammunition being used against
them are Of British manufacture.
some Of them were handed over 10
the Free state when the British be-
gan 10 evacute southern Ireland
others were seized at Cork.
There are on the average 80 police
men TO every square mile Of boun-
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1922-05-26
District Kiioanis Officials
to Meet IN Luncheon Here

The district trustees and secretar-
.es OF the Kiwanis clubs OF Indiana
Will attend a meeting called for next
Thursday evening az the oliver no.
eel. The regular Thursday luncheon
Of the local club viii be dispensed
with and the club viii meet instead
Thursday evening with the out Of
town representatives. which are ex-
pected 10 number 100.
At noon Thursday the local d.
rectors and intercity committeeman
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1922-05-26
Fines Three Motor Lac
ViOIGtOrS: One is Freed

Three violators Of the motor We
hicle laws we're esch fined 81 and
costs in the city court Thursday
morning. and one, Russell Baker,
charged with parking his car In
front Of q fire plug. was discharged
BY the state when 10 was shown that
Mr.. Bakers car had been pushed in
front OF the fire plug by some street
workmeh.
The three who were fined We're
Walter winkler. 412 y. Michigan
ST. for improper muffier on motor
cycle. Clarence Wagner. 124 y. Main
ST. parking in a safety zone. and
Lawrence Wagner. 1419 E Dubail
av.. driving with an open mufhfer
A mans hardest taskmaster ought
10 be himself.