Omaha daily bee., 1921-08-07
How To Be a Movie Cop
BY JAS. J. MONTAGUE =

To be movie cop you have to
have fiat feet, uniform, star and
a nice disposition. Sometimes,
when you hunt criminal comedians
in herds, like wolves, you also have
to have endurance. No movie cop
who is short of breath or out of
condition can chase fugitive up
three flights of stairs, over two
roofs, down a FIRE escape and,
through a coal hole into a cellay
Yet these things are likely to be re-
CURED OF him at any minute.
You do not need to be especially
intelligent to be a movie cop. In
fact intelligence would be rather
handicap in your calling. If your
mind was sufficiently alert to know
that burglar means to trip you
up when he inserts a stick between
your feet you would be OF very little
value as movie con
Also you would be practically
useless if you dreamed that the pur-
pose of the small boy in approach
ing you with can Of molasses was
to pour it down your neck.
Sympathy and an understanding
of peoples troubles is quite essen
t!al. When the hero, who has just
broken out Of prison, tells you that
he merely broke out for the purpose
of going to the governor, proving
his innocence and getting a pardon, |
you must believe him implicitly.
A cautious suspicious nature would
be disposed to question a statement
of this kind. Many cops would be
hard-hearted enough to ask the |
hero to come hack with him to the |
warden's Office and telephone the
governor for the pardon before leav-
ing the prison. But that would pre-
vent the hero from being brutally
recaptured by the villain. who is
plain clothes detective, and DESTROY |
the unities of the play. A movie !
cop who would do anything what |
ever to destroy the unities of the
play never holds his job very long.
When you see the villain with a |
torch in the act of setting fire to |
the heroine's house because she has |
told him that she would rather die
than be his. you must walk in the
opposite direction, swinging your
club behind your back.
This gives the villain an oppor.
trnity to do his fiendish work and
saves him from the embarrassment
ne would naturally feel if compelled
TO commit arson in the first degree Il
N the presence of an officer of the 7
aw.
Sometimes Expensive.
If you are located in a small town.
where mortgage foreclosures are the
principal indoor sport, you must
stand by with stern face till the
Did skindlint banker is about to sell
he widows home over her head.
Then you must reach in your pock-
t tor "a large roll of bills, peal off
enough of them to satisfy the mort
gage and when the widow falls on
,our neck tell her you have simply
lone your duty. This, of course is
,olng TO be expensive, but you know
hat the heroine's father, who owns
gold mine, is going to reward YOU
n another scene with $lOO,OO0-pre-
umably for letting the villain set
ire to his house, so you needn't
worry.
When the chief offers to promote
'ou tor not arresting his SON for
peeding in his Rolls Royce Won
must tell him that you would rather
'e plain patrolman than a polluted
'lutocrat. This may not be the case.
ut you will not be committed BY
he subtitle which sets it forth. and
an go round privately afterward
nd accept the promotion.
1t you find yourself in a situation
which requires shooting, you must
lways shoot every person but the
ne the audience knows you ought
. hit.
By sending bullets through a
ouple of fat men, a man with a
ilk hat and delicatessen proprie-
or, you will gain golden opinions.
Iothing pleases movie goeps so much
$ the extinction of fat men, men
nth silk hats and delicatessen pro-
rietors, especially if the later in
revious scenes have been detected
peaking with German accent.
Sometimes you will have to battle
nth dogs, in which case you
lust always lose. You must not lose
racefully, either When you final
climb the lamppost you must leave
portion of your uniform trousers in
le dogs possession. By saying:
BE reasonable dog, be reasonable"
gu will greatly advance your value
} the play.
In your domestic relations you are
spected to be on bad terms with
our wife and to be afraid of her.
ever leave your home unless YOU
e followed by couple OF fatirons
I'd rolling pin. And never expect
at these things will miss you. They /
i'll not be thrown by your wife. The /.