The Farmington times. (Farmington, St. Francois County, Mo.) 1905-1926, 1921-03-11

"Old Doolittle has been married q
long time, and he's got so used to be-
ing bossed by his wife that he doesn't
know what to do when she isn't
around. If you offered to lend him So
he'd say he'd have to consult Eliza
Jane about 1t. One time, when his
wife was away, visiting, he ate about
q peck of green cucumbers, and the
collie shut him up like folding bed.
1t was the worst case / ever saw. ]
heard hiGn yelling for the police, and
when / rushed over there and saw him
on the floor, with his feet clasped
across the back of his neck, ! phoned
for a doctor at once. We put him to
bed, and the agony that man endured
was sickening. And as he rolled
around there, expecting to go Off the
hooks every minute, he kept saying,
What, win Eliza Jane say when she
hearsI called in doctorT
"After his wife came back, i was
over at their house one night, and she
roasted me to crisp for sending for
doctor. She said that IL l had the first
instincts of a gentleman I'd pay the
bill, for / wasn't authorized to call In
a sawbones, and she didn't want one in
the house. Doolittle sat there and
heard his wife roasting me until my
whlskers curled and, although he knew
the doctor saved his life, he never said
O word.
''After / left the house, he sneaked
out and overlook me, and told me he
was sorry for what had happened, but
experience had taught him that it's no
use to butt in when his wife has the
floor.
"Gooseworthy came over this morn
ing while / was feeding the cows, and
told me a tale of woe. His wife has
about FIVE hundred female relations,
aunts and stepsisters and cousins and
such people, and she keeps the house
full of them all the time. He has to
sleep on a sanitary couch in the hall,
while his own feather bed is occupied
by an aunt who weighs about 400
pounds. He has comfortable rocking
chair he bought for his own private
use, and now he never gets whack
at it. His wife's step-sister who
brought her tortoise-shell cat along, Is
always using 1t. He said he was get
ting plumb disguised with such con-
dition of affairs, but he didn't know
what to do.
81 asked him why he didn't read the
authorized version of the riot act to his
wife, and tell her to ship all those rel
les out of the house. He seemed
shocked at the suggestion. You don't
know what you're talking about he
said. You've never been married.
1.-THE queer thing about 1t is that
Gooseworthy is great stickler for his
rights when he's away from home. He's
as sassy as a bobcat, and will fight at
the drop of the hat If anybody tries to
impose on him. He walks with his
head back and his chest out in front Of
him, but as soon as he reaches his own
front gate he begins to look so blamed
abject that the neighbors pity him.
"Then, there's old Major Sendoff,
who distinguished himself on many a
crimson battlefield. He has courage
enough for three regiments. But he
married the Widow Bunkum couple
of years ago and she makes him do
the family washing, and hang the
clothes on the line, and I suppose he
does the ironing. too. / could tell you
of hundred such cases-S
II suppose you could" sighed the
professor, "but l don't care for sensa'
tional fiction"