davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-04-03

been a goin' { git a left lens fer
my specta cles fer tn last 90 years.
1 expect I've started out { have it
looked after 40 times. but somehow
1 never git Z il. II haint tn cost,
fer I expect I've spent enough
money other ways in tn last 20
years { have ii fixed a half dozen
times. It's jest pure fergitfulness-'
/ remember once when l wuz a
little boy visitin' in Bowlusville.
Ohio, I heerd somebuddy talkin'
about lignum vitae an / cut my
visit short jest . git L ask my paw
what il wuz. but I forgot ali about
it. Then agin after l wuz a grown
man 1 wuz changin' cars at Forest
Ohio. fer Wauseon. Ohio. an heard
some stranger say hgnum vitae. /
said L myself now then I'm goin' l.
find out what that is as soon as
git 10 Wauseon. But tn excitement
o meetin' my aunt made me fergit
all about II. Ever time I thought
OF IL 7 wuz either in bed or among
strangers. About a month ago l saw
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-04-03
MRS. SOLOMON 81 VS.
By Helen Ro50Land
Being Confessions Of Wife 7OOth

Ny daughter. consider the self
complacency OF man.
For it is more imperturbable than
a matinee idols vanity, and harder
to -uffe than a good lawyers tenn
per.
10. he saith in his heart:
How the women of the world
rae over me!
For behold. half Of them are az
nicted with man-omania. and are
mad about me.
And the other half are afflicted
with ma1-ophobis. and are mad al
me,
Half OF them torture their hair
with dyes and stains and hot curl
ng-tongs-for my delectation and
approval-and the other half cut
off their locks in imitation OF me.
10. the Man omaniacs stain their
lips with pomegranates and with
carmine, and disguise their faces
rice-powder AMI Chinese white, that
they may be beautiful in my sight.
YEA. they shorten their skirts
and their sleeves and endure tor
ments Of exposure that l may be-
hold dimples in their knees and their
elbows, to find them pleasing. They
uncover their backs to the icy night
wind for my admiration. They dance
upon three-inch heels, that they may
seem lissome in mine eyes
AT my approach. they futter and
bite their lips and are covered with
smiles Of welcome; and at my de-
parWre their lives are filed with
emptiness. For, unless there be a
man present. life hath nc charm for
Man-omaniac. And all their days
they battle, ore with another. for
my favor and my smiles.
But the Man-ophObiacs are more
flattering still.
For, although they pretend to
hold me In scorn, and call me 'Ty.
rant" and 'OppressorH and WON
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-04-03

ans enemy, yet do they initiate me
in all things! Yea, fin the boboinS
OF their hair and the smoking O.
their cigarets. they fatter me, and
follow after me.
And. when they search out my
foibles and weaknesses and hold me
Up TO ridicule in their clubs. L greet
their contumely with ha-has. For
it is all free advertising for me!
"Thev have stolen my privileges.
and hlched my jobs, and broken into
my professions; yet in their secret
meetings. all their talk is Of me,
and how TO encompass me. and what
to feed me for breakfast.
10. when -ophobiac we'd
deth, she apologizeth TO her friends.
and scorneth to take her husband S
name: and her spouse is known I'm
the temple as a new member OF the
only Their Husbands Club
yet. I'm his own house. his taste
and his moods are consulted, and
his slippers are laid out; and when
he returneth from his labors he find
eth his wife powdering her nose!
Verify, verify We are the ire
sistible sex,
For to be worshipped in popular
ity. and to be denounced is motor
iety.
And. until the women cease TO
love US or 70 hate us; until wives
cease TO cater 20 us, and widows TO
flirt with as, and damsels TO pursue
US, and vamps 10 camp Us; yea until
all women become Indifferent TO all
men we shall continue to shine and
to rejoice in the spotlight!
YEA. until they find something
better 10 think about, we shall con-
tinue to be it!
Verify, until they cease to take
us seriously. and begin and take US
FOR granted-'we should worry
Selah
Copyright. 1920
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-04-03

We all have some little one thing
were allus goin' L do. but never
git done. Ever day an ever day
we. think now Wen do so an so.
but we git clean thro' life without
doin' il. Somehow we never git
time, or sOmethin' happens L head
Us off. or we git side tracked or
Jest fergit it. but anyhow somethin'
seems L keep Us from glttin' around
L il. Ez Pash has got a screen door
that's been leanin' agin tn front o
his house fer Is years. It's all rusted
out an Jest hOldin' t'gether. He
jest never got around Z hangin' it,.
I've heard him say hundreds O.
times. well. I guess III go home.
I've got a screen door that ought
T. he huns an I'm going l. hang it
while ] think Of it, But Their il
leans jest where ne put il years ago.
He's industrious enoUsh-he's not
shiftless. but somehow he's jest
never got around Z il.
"Oh. guess everbuddy's that way.
said Squire Marsh Swallow. i've
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-04-03

tn blamed thing In print an I've
been tryin' ever since = look it up.
by George. 1 can't git around Z it.
That's tn trouble. We're all too
fergitful o. little things o. life. said
Rev. Wiley Tanger -Th' little
things cosr tn least an mean tn
most. We're all thoughtIess when
it comes = hangin' screen doors.
doin' kind acts. rememberin' our
real friends an dom little things
fer nothin'. When we git ole these
things pile up on US an then it's
too late. An that jest reminds me
4 must buy a pair O. socks before
I go home"
Elmer ,doots wuz allus goin' L
tell his wife how much ne thought
O. her. or do somethin' 4 make her
think ne really cared fer her-take
her L a ovie or somethin'. but he
kept fergi-tin IL an ferEittin IL till
one day she skipped out an he
never did git Z tell her.
Copyright, 1879
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-04-03
Democracy
BY ARTHUR BRooKs BAKER.

BY ARTHUR BROOKS BAKER.
Democracy, YOU must admit, is a
peculiar thing.
A hundred million folks essay to
pick their proper king.
They get a gang Of candidates all
made of kingly stuff.
A gang of which the poorest one is
plenty good enough:
And then they fight and pull each
others metaphoric hair.
Deciding which shall mount the
throne and I'LL the royal chair.
For four eventful. thrilling years the
winners boost their man,
And all the losers coldly knock in
every way they can.
The monarch has wart they say.
upon his neither limb.
Which makes his reelection homes
precarious and slim;
His wife's a polished woman. but she
cannot cook a bean,
Which leaves her quite unsuited for
a democratic queen.
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-04-03
SCOUTING IN SOUTH BEND AND ITS
PROMISE TO THE FUTURE.

1he campaign for funds for Scoutdom IN South
Bend which Is be conducted this week is one of
hs most worthy that has been put on here for some
ezsa 1ns Is said too without casting any reflections
npon the others Is different but none the less
poraaut- These boys of today who be the
g tomorrow many OF them. need scouting There
arc lessons It. training IN It. discipline IN It,
saose from no other source 1t is the least at
ere came time the most. that any community can
for the upbunding OF its boys
Scouting institution. not an experiment. 1t
takes the rough and ready youngster-freQuently
more rough than ready.-and converts him soon to
the spirit OF service; the service OF the home the
school, his JOB, his fellows. the community. He is
made to feel his obligations, 10 respect them; to
recognize duties, and give them preference It
10 the boy IN his formative years what some advo-
Gates have said military training would do for young
1nen-but which because OF their greater maturity
such military training does not do.
Scouting does for the boy what military training
promises the young but seldom delivers 1t docs
It too without incuIcates patriot
ism. affords Discipline promotes regard for duty
without any OF the Initarstio evils It IS in a way
too. a sort OF boys republic, involving in large
rreasure the principles Of self-governmeut. and
Isrience at self-determination.
South Bend cannot afford 20 let the movement
pane. we building FOR the future The scout exc
eutve is doing excellent work. the scouts are follow
Aing him-or rather accepting his dIrecuons-in ex-
cellent spirit Indeed II We could accomplish Moth
ing more than 20 lay the groundwork for some fu-
ture policemen and hremen. It would be worth more
than Il costs. We might suggest the formation
az scout troops, IL It possible, among the fire.
men and police, and the police especially. Had our
policemen some of the scouting spirit and fire
men some OF the knowledge available i'm emerg-
sncies amons the first lessons CD scoutlns 30 woult
double their worth Go ,he community az once.
But Il viii be coed for these boys regardless If
heir ever becoming nremen or policemen. IL VIII
&c good for them merely Plain citizens and good
Dor Them 10 being good to themselves as we'll we
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-04-03

The usages of ancient times were
pleasant i'm their way,
And very capably. no doubt, they
served their simple day.
The common people sat about and
drank their lemonade,
And never tried TO take a hand
when kings were being made;
And candidates who wished to hold
a soft and purple job
Had more to do than make a win
ming promise 10 the mob.
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-04-03
Ignorant Essays
BY ]. P. McEVOY

trying 10 make tea with nut
mess and putting camphor balls
in the soup. Who told you you
could go into my kitchen any
way? And when you do snoop
around in there why do you
leave it looking as if a four
year old child had just gone
through? Who do you think
you are, anyway. a wrecking
crew? Or the Destroying An
gel? Stay out of my kitchen.
90 you hear? YES, l HEAR.
Yes, you hear! A lot Of good it
will do. You'll be back I'm there
again. But don't let me catch you
in there. DO you hear Don't let
me catch you in there? I'm a pa
tent woman. / don't say much
= what did you groan for then?
Did you mean to insinuate any
thing? I say, I don't say much.
I'm patient, but YOU can go too
far with me. The next time I get
into that kitchen and find corned
beef and cabbage on the window
panes and the top of the kitchen
cabinet covered with ripe tomatoes
that have bounded off the ceiling
when YOU tried TO peel them, you'll
hear from me. DON'T DOUBT
IT! I didn't say anything this time.
but you'll hear from me the next
time.
(F'rom which one may deduce
that Mr.. Doveleigh will hear from
Mrs. DOveleigh the next time.)
Copyright, 1929
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-04-03

Getting married is as simple and
easy as ordering things over the
telephone: getting a divorce. as COM
plicated and soul-wearing as taking
them back TO the shop and trying
TO exchange them.
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-04-03

Solomon lived happily with 700
wives-but there were no blue
laws" in those days to keep him
sticking around the house all day,
Sunday, no dry laws TO make him
grouchy at dinner, and no "in-laws'
to drop in and spoil his week ends.
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-04-03
TWIN BED LECTURES.
Mr.. Doveleigh attempted TO

Mr.. Doveleigh attempted TO
cook himself a meal, but then
y(u know how that is.
How many times have I told you
to stay out of the kitchen? Do l
go into your office and spill scram-
bled eggs on your desk? Do /
throw egg shells on your floor? DO
Il smear coffee grounds on your
walls? do not! Then why do
YOU come into my kitchen and do
these things? You was hungry!
Suppose you was hungry? Is that
An excuse to make another Russia
out of my kitchen? Did splashing
coffee on the walls and throwing
canned beans On the ceiling and fill
ing the sink with burned bacon dull
YOUR appetite? Do you always put
scrambled eggs on the door knobs
when you're hungry? How do you
get that way? Is there some hidden
charm in scrambled eggs when ap-
piled TO door knobs, and coffee
when sprinkled on walls and cell
ings? Does an oven cook better
when the QOOT ~ luIH oA Gil" "a"
ice boxes function more ectfiiently
when the waste pipe is stuffed with
spaghetti and corn cobs? I'm ask
/ ing you, do they? Aw, let me sleep.
Let you sleep! Is that the
only comeback you know? You
talk with Rip Van Wrinkle! At
least Rip knew enough to keep
out of his wife's kitchen.
should think n husband like Rip
would be a blessing. Think of
a husband who would be con-
siderate enough TO take him.
self away for 90 yeats instead
of hanging around ones kitchen
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-04-03

After a love-spat, a woman can
more easily forgive a man for cut
ting her dead, than for treating her
with perfectly cheerful amiability
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-04-03
THE KING BUSINESS LOOKS UP.

That former King Carl would have attempted to
regain the throne Of Austria and Hungary. and re-
establish the dual monarchy. had ne expected
accomplish his purpose is decidedly improbable. He
must have announcement from somewhere among
the royal families with which he is aligned. That
IS practically certain
Carts chance of regaining his throne is greater
in Hungary. where it might be difficult matter
TO transform the regency into a restoration to the
fIapsburg monarchy. Austria a republic, but 1t
also might be switched to CarIs side by an old
fashioned coup Regardless of the outcome mon
archsts hope to unite the countries with Carl
en- the throne.
Constantine. Carts former partner-exile in Switz-
erland, returned the Greek throne. where he ap-
pears to be seated firmly BY royal marriages of
two of his children he has strengthened his posi-
ton Constantines success despite allied opposition.
encouraged Carl TO break his parole Switzerland.
The king business looks up-decidedly.
But the case of former Emperor Carl ecliIses
Constantine's The Hapsburgs were equally guilty
with the IIohenzouerns in starting the world
For centuries the IIapsburg family in Vienna
the center Of European intrigue. the exchange
where diplomats traded. gambled and conspired.
What cali Trouble the Balkans" could in
nearly all cases be traced to Yienna-and the Haps-
burg back door.
Give Hapsburg a return to the throne and you'll
have the HohenzOlerns casting their fshlnes
toward Berlin. Back of these king intrigues is the
distress OF central European and Balkan people.
They ere dangerously ripe for anything that offers
change. Hence Hungary, possibly Austria also.
may flop from the frying pan into Csrl's fire.
It is however. doubtful if the Hungarian Aus
trian people would for any period OF time endure
the return OF monarchy. A people who have once
tasted democracy VIII not long be content with i'm
periallsm.
Crude oil prices have been cut in two. but gaso-
line made from the crude oil continues high. How
about it, Standard oil?
AS cost 81 Twins drops, the landlord who doesn't
clt rents is in effect raising them. for his doar
steadily buys more.
Its rare congressman who remembers speeches
he made last summer.
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-04-03

Crude oil prices have been cut in two. but gaso-
line made from the crude oil continues high. How
about it, standard oil?
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-04-03

Its rare congressman who remembers speeches
he made last summer.
The Brattleboro daily reformer. (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1913-1955, 1921-02-02
Artists Wife Tells
of Using Scotch Liniment
For Relief of Pain

Many who have visited West Point
Va, are familiar with the delightful
Barker Studio where they saw many
beautiful portraits and Virginia Views.
The managers wife, Mrs. b. Benton
Barker. knows about Mysterious Pain
Ease, the Scotch Liniment. We quote
from q letter from Mrs. Barker-she
wrote: We have been using it for q
number of years. My sister, Miss NJ.
G. Lourie of Brooklyn. n. Y, and q
number of her friends have been using
it, have recommended it, and have two
or three families using it"
So it is the users who recommend
Mysterious Pain Ease to one another.
Pain is usually from inflammation. Mys
ferrous Pain Ease relieves inflammation
and that is why it gives the desired re
lief in so many different troubles where
pain is present like pain from neuralgia
lumbagO, stiff neck, muscular colds where
the shoulders, chest and back muscles
are in pain, pains arising from infia
nation. muscular cramps. neuritiS, rheu.
matism and sprains Of all kinds.
Mysterious Pain Ease is a liniment
formulated by a Scotch doctor He
used it in his practice and in fact became
famous on account of it. 1t did take
out pain so quickly that people thought
there was something mysterious about
it and so the liniment was named by the
Mysterious Pain Ease is sold by al
leading dealers. ANY druggist can gel
it from his jObber.-Adv.
The Brattleboro daily reformer. (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1913-1955, 1921-02-02
Little Benny's
Note Book
BY LEE PAPE.

\ box of candy came for my sister
GladdiS this AFTERNOON, and wen she
came home | sed, Hay GladdiS, there's
box of candy for you up in your room,
do you wunt me to so up and get 1t Tor
you?
No thank you, sed Gladdis, and l Sed.
Well if | go up with you Will you give
me q peece of it? and she sed, No, I'm
not reddy TO open it Yet.
Well gosh G, Gladdis, wen will YOU
open it? | sed, and she sed. Wen the
spirit moves me- Proberly meening Wen
she got good and reddy and none of my
bizznisS. and | sed, Aw heck, keep your
old candy. l wouldent eat a peece of IT
for a gift, / hope its so stale it brake
| 3 of your teeth.
Wat lovely disposition. sed GladdiiS.
meening mine, and | went out to see II
eny of the fellows was out. and wen l
went home agen | looked in GladdiSSeS
room jest out of curiosity and Gladdis
was fixing her face in the mirrer and
eating candy out of the box, me thinking,
Gosh G WIZ, this is good time for me
to ipologize.
Wich ! started to do. saying. Hay
GladdiS. did You think ! ment wat | sed
about your candy breaking 3 teeth and
all? Heck, Gladdis. | was ony saying
that in fun. could tell it was good fresh
candy as soon as ] smelt it thrOO the
box. how do you like it, Gladdis? Are
you injoying it. Gladdis?
I'm injoying it a darn site more than
you will, for the simple reason that
woudent give you a peece if YOU begged
| frum now to Doomsday. sed Gladdis.
Being a heck of impolite way to ac-
cent a ipology. and | sed. o is that 50,
we'll who asked you for eny? / would
ent take a peece of your old candy i
YOU got down on your neez and followed
me all over the house. | hope it brakes
6 teeth insted OF jest 3 and | hope its
full of stummick axe germs inside.
And | wawked out of her room hawty
and | wouldent stoop myself to take
eny of her candy unless she happens to
forget to lock it away some time wen
, she goes out.
The Brattleboro daily reformer. (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1913-1955, 1921-02-02
Prohibition Emptying Jails.
burlington Free Prcss.)


The people of Vermont have learned
in u moderate degree how national pro-
hibition has tended 10 the vacatinG of
our jails during the comparatively sLort
period of the enforcement of this pol
icy. We cannot thoroughly realize the
effects of this policy of enforced temper
ance until we turn to state where rum
ruled for generations.
According TO official reports made at
Albany the close of the first year of ma
tional prohibition on June 30. 1920. there
were 9.14j prisoners i'm the state prisons
reformatories, pcnitentiaries, county
jails, and New York city penal insti-
tutions, according to statistics compiled
by the state commissioner of prisons
This was 1871 less than on June 30. OF
the preceding year when 11,016 were in
custody. The number of commitments
to these institutions during the fiscal
year was 59,O33. a decrease of %, 142 as
compared with the preceding year.
The peak of the prison population for
many years was at the close of the tiSca
year in 1915 when it reached 17,17l. and
the greatest number of commitments was
in 1917 when 129,3J were committed
or T0.319 more than last year.
That is a remarkable showing for one
year of prohibition in a state in which
rum ruled politics To a startling degree
If one year can accomplish this, what
will not this same policy of temperance
mean for the people in general now alive
as well as unborn generations for al
time to come?
The Brattleboro daily reformer. (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1913-1955, 1921-02-02
DRESS REFORM AT VASSAR.

VasSar college girls have started a
war to the death upon the prevailing
modes in clothing and hair-dressing. As
Il protest against the extremely short
skirt and the ear-muff effect the girls
have adopted for the present the styles
their mothers wore and are to be seen
upon the campus, in the class rooms and
at their social functions in trailing skirts,
and with their hair drawn back tightly
above their ears.
There are varying opinions among the
girls as to the comfort and beauty of
these styles, but they are generally
agreed that something must be done to
influence modes in saner directions.
These young women are too sensible
to revert permanently to the trailing
skirt with its dust and germ catching
possibilities They win not adopt to any
considerable extent any style of hair
dressing which is unduly trying. But
they viii, out of their fun-making and
experiments, find a happy medium in
dress and hair arrangement, and having
found it will adopt it with individual
touches.
As they are n representative and pop
ular body of young women, their exam
pie is of Importance. 1t is to their
credit that they lead the way in needed
reforms.
The Brattleboro daily reformer. (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1913-1955, 1921-02-02
THE REQUEST WORTH WHILE.

Many Wills disposing of large fortunes
have been made public in the last few
rears. Most of these are notable for
heir tendency to distribute the accumu-
ated wealth of the possessor among ed
Icational and charitable objects instead
If combining it to requests to relatives
already well endowed. The will of Mrs.
Cyrus Mccormick. who died recently in
Chicago, follows this policy.
One of the provisions of Mrs. McCor-
mick's will directs that a large portion
If her jewelry be appraised and sold,
and the proceeds devoted to certain des-
ignated philanthropies. This is a pc
culiarly practical suggestion. The safety
deposit vaults of the country are lined
with jewels which have been bequeathed
to younger generation and promptly
stored away because they were old-faSh-
Toned in cutting or setting, or the recipi-
eHt already had more than could be used
for all occasions. Those gems represent
a tremendous. amount of idle capital,
which could be working for the benefit of
without interfering with senti-