The Columbia evening Missourian. [volume] (Columbia, Mo.) 1920-1923, 1921-07-07
tcontinded from Yesterday.

Il have had great many birthdays i
nv time. | remember the FRS; one yer
well, and always think Of il with indis
nation; everything was so crude, une'
ihetic. primeval. Nothing like this al al
No proper appreciaiiye preparation made
nothing really ready. Now for persol
born with high and delicate instincts
even The cradle wasn't whiiewashcd-
nothing ready at all. hadn't any haiI
hadn't any teeth. hadn't any clothes
had 10 go to my first banquet just lik
thai. Everybody came swarming in
Well. | stood that as long as-well, yol
snow ] was born courteous, and stool
|, an hour and then the worm turned.
was the worm; il was my turn to turi
and | turned | knew very well th'
strength Of my position; l knew that
was the only spoilcssly pure and limo
semi person in that whole Town and
came cut and said so. And they could
not say word. 1t was so true. They
blushed. they were embarrassed. Well
tha, was the first affer-dinner speech
ever made. ! think ii was after dinner
.lt's long stretch between thai first
birthday speech and this one. That was
nv cradle-song, and this is my swan
song suppose. am used to swansongs;
have~sung them several times.
.The eyenlielh birthday! Ii is the
time Of life when You arrive at new
and awful dignity: when you may throw
aside the decent reserves that have op-
pressed YOU for generation and stand
unafraid and unabashed upon your sew
en.,errsced summit and look down and
teach-uDrebuked. You can tell the world
how YOU got there. 1t is what they all
do. You shall never get tired Of telling
by wha, delicate arts and deep moralities
YOU climbed up 10 that great place. You
will explain the process and dwell on the
particulars with senilc rapture. | have
been anxious to explain my own system
this long time and now al last | have
the right.
'How TO REACH SEVENTY
Il have achieved my seventy years in
the usual way; by sticking strictly 10 a
scheme Of life that would kill anybody
else. Ii sounds like an exaggeration but
that is really the common rule for attain
ing old age.
Il will now teach, offering my way OF
life to whomsoevcr desires TO COM
nit suicide by the scheme which has en-
abled me to beat the doctor and the hang
man for seventy years. Some Of the de-
tails may sound untrue but they are not,
I'VE have no permanent habits until
we arc 40. Since 40 have been regu
lar about going to bed and getting up
and thar is one of the main things.
have made ii a rule to go to bed when
there wasn't anybody left 10 sit up with;
and | have made il rule to get up
when / have 10. This has resulted in un-
swerving regularity of irregularity. 1t
has saved me sound, but it would have
injured another person.
in the matter Of diet which is another
main thing, have been persisiently
strict in sticking to the things which
didn't agree with me until one or the
other Of us goi the best Of ii. Until late
ly. got the best of it myself. But, last
spring. stopped frolicking with mince
pie after midnight; up to then | had al
ways believed ii wasn't loaded For for
ty years have taken coGee and bread at
8 O'Clock in the morning, and no bit
nor sup until 7:30 in the evening. Elev-
en- hours. That is all right for me and
is wholesome because | have never had
a headache in my life but headachy peo-
pie would not reach 20 comfortably by
that road, and they would be foolish TO
my it. And | wish TO urge upon you
ihis-which think is wisdom-that
if you find you can't make 20 by any
but an uncomfortable road. don't go.
When they take Of the Pullman and re,
tire You TO the rancid smoker. put on
your things. count your checks and gel
cut al the first station where there's a
good cemetery.
RULES FOR SMOKING
I have made it a rule never TO smoke
more than one cigar al a time. have
no other restrictions as regards smoking
! do moi know just when | began to
smoke, ] only know that ii was in nv
fathers lifetime and that | was discret.
He r,auead fro,,, ,h,r H. ,.hn.. I -.