davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1921-08-28
Absentmindedness

HHONFOUND that cook" growled
~ the cannibal king. Here
dinner is two hours late and. stu
not a sound from the kitchen. I'll
discharge her for this. Chamber.
lain, go to the kitchen and tell the
cook to get-a move on"
Pardon me, Your Majesty" said
the chamberlain, kowtowing prop
erly, "hut has Your Majesty's aug
ust memory failed to apprise him
of The fact that he ate the cook
this morning."
The Washington times., 1921-08-28
On Buttling

fast is served"-or words 10 that
effect, the butler retires behind a
screen or some other large article
of furniture and changes his cos
tune. He now dons a dress coat
with striped trousers
The stripes should be just SO.
They should not be wide enough to
remind one Of an awning, nor mar
row enough to suggest Sing Sing.
They should, in fact, be genuine
stripes and not merely egg stains.
In the evening, just before an
nouncing dinner, the butler once
more changes, this time putting on
a white tie and black look. These
will carry him through the ten
course of formal dinner and
yet leave him with strength enough
to break into the masters private
stock down cellar along about mid
night.
On retiring for the night the but
Ter may wear just about what he
pleases.
Never give a butler one OF your
last Winters suits. In the first
place. 1t ought to he beneath his
dignity to wear It, and In the sec
ond place, 1t indicates that you ara
unable to support him in the style
To which he is accustomed.
The Washington times., 1921-08-28
Do They
Get That
Way?
WHY does every man In the
w subway get up and give his
seat IN anna -fady1 A.

"/ui uoes every man In the
w subway get up and give his
seat to some lady? And
does he?
Why does every apartment dwell.
or In New York have cabbage for
dinner on the same day?
Why does every orchestra direc-
tor go through lot of motions with
baton when nobody in the or.
cnestra looks at him?
Why does every trapeze Der.
former stand on one foot and ways
her arms after she has finished her
act?
( Why do men wear whiskers!
Ditto derby hats?
Why do people write poetry for
years without getting any money
for It?
Why do they call them messen.
ger boys" when many Of them are
sixty years old and have chin
whiskers?
Why is 1t that the horse you bet
On always forgets to return home
with the bunch?
Why do people go on picnics
when they can stay at home and be
comfortable?
Why is every Pullman porter in
the United States named George!
Why do opera singers always 70
to Europe in the Summer when
they make their money here?
Why do they always print the
picture Of girl on magazine
covers?
Why did Columbus discover
America?
Why do Office stenographers al
ways have to fix their hair before
they take dictation?
The Washington times., 1921-08-28
A Few Scientific Facts
A MULE can climb to the top
~ Of Mount Mckinley in three
days, but it takes him only

A MULE can climb to the top
~ of Mount Mckinley in three
days, but it takes him only
tnree minutes to come down.
IL the water were drained out OF
the Hudson River there would be
room for number OF new apart
ment houses, but we cont know
just how many.
There is a very small sale for
bearskin overcoats among the
Malays.
II some restaurant orchestras
would play checkers instead OF
musical instruments this would be
pleasant world.
IL all the contraband liquor taken
last year we're poured into the
Woolworth Building it would run
out of the windows.
No man ever went to sleep in a
Fora car while 1t was running.
If somebody should build a boa
twice as large as the Leviathan 1
would be the largest boat in thu
void.
People of the Stone Age lived in
Switzerland, and some of them live
there yet.
The man who invented ukuleles
is dead, but it is not known whether
he died a natural death or some
body shot him.
Mosquitoes serve some important
purpose in this world, but nobody
knows what ii Is.
The Washington times., 1921-08-28
The Shopping
Lure

TvIMES, as someone once re-
marked, have changed.
Within the memory of peo-
pie now living a woman could go
downtown with a ten-dOllar bill
tucked away in her purse and It
would take all day to get rid Of It..
1t frequently took a couple of de-
livery wagons to complete the
transaction.
But not any more. Nowadays
when woman goes downtown
with q ten-dollar bill she barely
breaks 1t before her days excite
ment is over. After buying few
notions she has to 90 easy for fear
there won't be enough for carfare
home.
Here are the results Of a normal
shopping tour ten years ago:
Nine yards of hair ribbon.
Three pairs of gloves.
Tea yards of gingham.
Four yards of muslin.
Seventeen papers of pins.
One feather, duster.
One remnant of brussels carpet.
One bread knife.
One evening gown.
One string Of beads.
And the rest in sodas.
And to-day the same ten-dOllar
bill is good for:
Nine inches of hair ribbon (rem-
nant).
One yard Of almost-gingham.
One yard of would-be muslin.
One bread knife.
One-half paper of one-half pins.
One string Of beans.
And one soda, mostly foam.
The Washington times., 1921-08-28
A Young Grammarian.

JACK came walking into the
- house, rubbing his nose and try
ing hard to keep back his tears.
After he gained control of his feel
ings he turned to his mother and
said: Mother, Bobby Brown is
the worstest boy that ever lived"
There is no such word as worst.
est my dear. You mean he is the
worst boy that ever lived"
Worst, hum! Well, >he's lots
bladder than that"
The Washington times., 1921-08-28

~NE of the most important
l things about having a butler
- is dressing him correctly.
millionaire can go around in al
most any old thing and get away
with it. but a butler is nothing il
not correct.
The average faw-abiding citizen,
who never had a butler and never
expects % have one, has to be
more or less careful about what
he wears, especially when the wife
is expecting visitors. but butler
never gets moments relaxation.
His daily schedule of changes is
more exacting than that of Fol
lies girl.
He wouldn't be guilty OF
breach of correctness by being
seen in breeches of incorrectness.
For the first thing in the morn
ing the correct thing for the butler
is the four.button sack coat. Moth.
ing else is correct. That ia to say,
he may wear other articles, Of
course, but the coat must be just
that and nothing else. II there are
more than four buttons let him rip
off the surplus and save them for
the Sunday morning collection
plate.
After drawing the bath for the
master and announcing: "BreaN-
The Washington times., 1921-08-28
His Business.

SVOU insist that the officer ar
rested you while you were
quietly attending to your own bust
ness?"
Eyes, Your Honor. He caught me
suddenly by the collar and threat
ened to strike me with his club un-
less accompanied him to the sta
tion house"
you say you were quietly at
tending to your own business, max
ing no noise or connection Of any
kind?"
Eyes, Your Honor"
What is your business
I'm a burglar"
The Washington times., 1921-08-28
The Succession.
Ores, Britain R,sb,. Reserved

A TEACHER was hearing the
IA class in civics and asked this
question:
"If the President. Vice.Presdent
and all the members of The Cabinet
died who would officiate|"
The class thought for some time,
trying in vain to recalk who came
next in succession.
James at last had a happy inspi.
ration and he answered:
THE undertaken"
The Washington times., 1921-08-28
Consoling.

SSCORRY, Brown" said the doctor
- after the examination. You're
in q very serious condition. In
afraid I'll have to operate on you
"Operate!" gasped Brown. why,
! haven't the money for operations.
I'm only poor working man.
You're insured. are you not?'
"Yes, hut ! don't get that until
after I'm dead"
"Oh. that'l be all right" said ths
doctor. consoliagly.
The Washington times., 1921-08-28
A Valid Excuse.

GYM We deny we was eXceedin'
IA the speed limit?" demanded
the Judge.
mo, | can't Judge" said Larrups,
but had a good reason, Your
Honor" ...
"Whut was that9" demanded the
Judge.
why, my gasoline was getting
low, sir, and | wanted to hurry n
before II gave out" said Larrups.
The Washington times., 1921-08-28
A Legal Point.

SSJ SEE" said Wiggles that Bob
i by Fancier and his wife have
got divorce"
Really" said Jiggles. What a
sad case! Who gets the custody OF
the poodle?"
The Washington times., 1921-08-28
Old Enough.

HEINE old inn, SIR" commented
the host. Everything in this
house has its story"
u don't doubt" remarked the
grumpy tourist. And Is there any
legend connected with this old piece
of cheese?"
The Washington times., 1921-08-28
His Intentions.

SVOUNG man, | happened TO see
you last night with your arm
about my daughters waist May
inquire your intentions, sir?"
why. sure. intend to put II
there every chance | get"
The Washington times., 1921-08-28
A Bare Suggestion.

YOUNG LADY with family album
i open on her lap)--You know,
we can trace our family line right
back to Eve
Young Swain (eagerly)--LetS
turn back a few pages,
The Washington times., 1921-08-28
Quickest Way.

SSuAS Tom given up paying at
IL tentions to Matilda?'
"Ya-as.'
WHAT! Tilted herr"
No; married her"
The Washington times., 1921-08-28
What Else?

MRS. FINNIGAN-l want ter see
AVA some gloves fer me young one.
Clerk-Some kind of kid, madam?
Mrs. F.-Shure, Oirish,
The Washington times., 1921-08-28
Curiosity Satisfied.

WOODCHOPPER seen a lot o.
w bear tracks bout a mile north
of here-big ones, too!
Hunter-Good! Which way Is
south?
The Washington times., 1921-08-28
Up to His Ears.

A SMALL, negro boy went to a
"A physician 10 be treated for a
painful sensation in one of his ears.
The doctor examined and found the
ear was full of water.
How did this happen" ne asked
after he had drained the ear: "been
going in swimming"
Nav. subj" said the little fellow,
been eatin' watermelon,"
The Washington times., 1921-08-28
Heard Along Broadway

new house built Of nothin' but imt-
tation stone?"
No; an phwy did he want moth
in but imitation stone?"
Because tbs shamrock"
The Washington times., 1921-08-28
t-Riotic.

tECAY, did yes hear tho. Pat
- O'Mulligan wouldn't have his
Great Britain Nights Reserved.
The Washington times., 1921-08-28
No Risk of Infection.

No Risk of Infection.
THE TEACHER-Well, Mary
1 Ellen, and why weren't you at
school yesterday?
Mary Ellen-Please teacher,
muvver was Ill.
The Teacher Fearing infectionJ
Dear me; what's the matter with
her? What does the doctor say 1t
Is?
Mary Ellen-Please, teacher, he
says It's boy.
The Washington times., 1921-08-28

Among other minutiae that Mrs.
Smith Wilkinson Intends to bring
with her is a twenty-four-year-old
husband | presume that he, the
poneranians, the angoras, the gold
fish, the diamond-backed terrapin
and other pets VIII be in charge
of maid or some other competent
person.
The Washington times., 1921-08-28
Well Chosen Words.
WEARS ago a former United Stat

WEARS ago a former United States
i Senator from one Of our West
ern States was foreman Of a gang
of lumberjacks, mostly Swedes.
One day he had three or four with
him on a raft. ...
you better gat some one to tax
Ole's plaise," one Of the men adj
dressed him.
What's the matter with Ole?"
"Hae yost went under the raft
and l tank hae's not coming back"
The Washington times., 1921-08-28
Why He Was Dependent.

WY 11e was OeSPVHUcIIt'
LIE had just been rejected and
IL the shock had telling effect
upon him.
81 shall never marry now" he
said, dejectedly.
Don't be foolish! Why not ?"
she inquired.
"Wel." ne said "if you won't
have me, who VIM"
The Washington times., 1921-08-28

| want to warn Mrs. Smith-Wil-
kinsun against Two things-tho
movie magnates and the newspaper
reporters-for | can see that she
breads publicity like millionaires
hate champagne, and the movie
magnates will have her signed up
for life. despite her fortune-and
her face-if she doesn't watch out.
The Washington times., 1921-08-28

cannot help but feel that by
Mrs. Smith-Wilkinson's coming
here 1t will help to re-establish the
entente cordials between the
United States and England. for we
are glad to have Mrs. Smith-Wil-
kinson With us, and am sure
that England feels the same way.
In her Fifth avenue residence
she will have two solid gold bath
tubs-one for Wednesday and one
for Saturday. This custom of TAX
ing a bath twice week is purely
English-we don't do II over here.
Copyright. 1921. by Star Co.
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1921-03-17
DEATH COMES TO
]. W, O'DONIEL

j. w. ODoniel passed away We'd
nesday evening at $3.50 at the resi-
dence, 609 e. Lime St., after several
weeks illness, during which he un-
derwent an operation, without secur-
ing permanent relief.
The community keenly feels the
loss Of this splendid citizen and loyal
friend. He was born in Jackson
Co., Ga, sixty-siX years ago. and had
been resident of Lakeland for sin
t. en- years and of the state for thirty
years. After coming to this city, he
erected the building now owned and
occupied by the State Bank of Lake
land, and he and his sons operated a
furniture business for some years at
this location. However, Mr.. O'Douiel
returned to his favorite pursuit of
farming. and spent most of his time
during the past few years on his farm
and young grove at Winston.
Mr.. O'Doniel is survived by his de-
voted wife and his three sons, Paul
W, G.. Fred and j. Arthur, all of
whom are well-known- men of Lake
land. of the, same high order Of cit
izenship as their father. Mr.. 0Don-
iel also leaves cousin Mrs. Harvel,
in Tampa.
The funeral will be held this after
noon at 4 o'clock at the residence.
Dr.. w. j. Bolin. of the First Baptist
Church. will officiate and the funeral
arrangements are in the hands Of the
Gentry-Futch Co. Interment will be
made in Roselawn Gem terry.
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1921-03-17
Mrs. Jennings with
The NJ. E. A. Party

The National Editorial Association
is accompanied on its tour through
Florida by Mrs. W. S. Jennings, of
Jacksonville, one of the states best
loved women. Mrs. Jennings was the
wife of the late w. S. Jennings, gov
ernor of Florida, and is thoroughly
conversant with the history, tradi-
tions, resources and development Of
the state. She was at one time presi-
dent of the Florida Federation OF
Women's Clubs, and is at present first
vice president of the National Fcder-
alton of Women's Clubs. Mrs. .Jen-
nings was asked by the business men
of Jacksonville to accompany the edi-
tors on their tour in the capacity of
hostess, and no better choice could
have been made than this gracious
and brilliant representative of Florida
womanhood.
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1921-03-17
Social and Personal

! McRae, at 701 East Orange street.
Mrs. Leite was formerly Miss Mary
McRae, and her wedding to Mr.. Leite
occurred Monday evening at o'clock
at the parochial residence of the
Church of the Immaculate Concep-
ton, Rev. Father CLASSIFY officiating
in the simple ceremony.
The couple were attended by Mrs.
Paul NJ. Henderson Of Lakeland, sis.
ter of the bride and Gus Muller of
Jacksonville, a cousin OF the groom.
The pretty bride was Decomingly
attired in coat suit of midnight blue
tricotine, embroidered in grey, and
wore grey hat and other accessories
in grey.
Following the ceremony, an infor-?
NAL reception was held at the home
of the groom's parents, Mr. and Mrs
r. J. Leite, 903 Laura street.
Mrs Leite has grown to woman
hood in Lakeland, where her charm
ing personality has endeared her to
all who know her. She was formerly
one of Lakelands most popular teach
ers, and in Jacksonville, she has been
employed as assistant cashier at the
freight station.
The groom is known as young
man of splendid character and very
attractive personality. He holds re-
sponsible position with the Southeast
ern Demurrage and Inspection Co. in
Jacksonville and the young people
will make their home in that city.
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1921-03-17
SUGGESTS AUTO
ASSEMBLING PLANT

Officer Norris.of the Lakeland po-
lice force, who came here after fifteen
years service as policeman and de-
tective in Atlanta makes an interest
ing suggestion in line with Lakeland s
industrial development. This would
be a good point says Mr.. Norris, for
the establishment of an auto assem-
bling plant. such as the Ford and the
Hansen people have in Atlanta. There.
are many reasons why this would be
a good place for such a plant, and
why such plant would be a good
thing for the city,"
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1921-03-17
Mrs. Wright Treasurer
OF County Woman's Club

The meeting at Lake Alfred Satur-
day afternoon to perfect the organi-
cation of the Polk County Federation
of Women's Clubs was we'll attended
and the following officers were chos-
en-: President, Mrs. A. T. Mann Bar
tow; recording secretary Miss Mosel
Preston of Barlow; corresponding
secretary. Miss Lois Cooley, county
demonstration agent; treasurer, Mrs.
Geo. NJ. Wright, of Lakeland. The
president of each club affiliated with
the county organization will be vice
president of the larger organization
The next meeting will be held in
Lakeland, April =, and many items of
business not finished at the Lake Al
fred meeting will come up at the
Lakeland gathering.
Mrs. Wright is one of the ablest
club women of the state and this new
honor is very pleasing to her many
Lakeland friends
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1921-03-17
LAKELAND PARTY
FISH FOR MACKEREL
ON HTLLSBOROUGH BAY

At the first Growing of the cock 4
party from Lakeland consisting of
Samuel Billingsly and wife, llker and
wife of Indiana, G. G. Foster and wife
of Michigan, II. w. Foote and wife OF
Ohio and Clara and Margaret Bren-
singer, commonly called the '1wins",
of Pennsylvania, left Lakeland for
Captain Warmers dock, Tampa.
We placed ourselves under the care
of Captain Warner, Jr., and, boarding
the Lit Out" were soon at the mack.
erel grounds.
Individual personality disappeared
and state pride soon departed The
twins, commonly called the Lake Nor
ton fishermen, got down to business
and mackerel, trout, and cat fish fell
on the deck. This got on the nerve
of the Hoosiers and Mrs Hiker al
most slipped off the deck when she
drew in her first macherel and Mrs.
Billingsly's eyes shone like stars
when she pulled in a big one. Sam and
Hiker soon caught the spirit and
threw their bats in the ring.
The Michiganers, being trout and
bass fishermen, were slow to take
hold. Finally they got mad, took off
their coats, spit on their bats and
soon mackerel and trout came on
deck.
The Ohioans seemed somewhat dis
appointed in the slowness of the fish
to bite and the size of the ones that
were caught, and were slow to get
busy. The young captain told them
that the big fish had joined the edi-
torial tourists who were touring Polk
county and that we would have to be
satisfied with the smaller fish and
also he would give the party the best
fish fry in the state of Florida, which
| he did.
The Hoosiers being to 1 of course
caught the greater number of mack
erel, with the Pennsylvanians close
second The twins were fined two
mackerel for each cat caught and,
having formed the habit of catching
cat in Morton, lost out But they
caught more fish than any other state
The bass fishermen from Michigan
not only gave the Hoosiers and the
twins a close race but had the honor
of catching the largest mackerel of
the day
We all returned to Lakeland with
"a mackerel and plenty of trout and
were well satisfied with the pleasures
of the day and again insist, Mr. Edi
tor. that you take a day off and &c
fishing. HIKER.
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1921-03-17
PROMINENT MAN FROM
NORWAY HERE

Prof Kaokon Five left yesterday
after Il few days stay in Lakeland,
uring which he was registered at the
fremont Hotel. Prof. Five came to
the United tates in November to make
q study of the agriculture of this
country. with especial attention to
dairying. He was formerly professor
CT agriculture in the University of Co
penhagen, and secretary of agricul-
turo in the cabinet of Norway, and is
at the present time, the agricultural
adviser of the Royal Norwegian gov
eminent.
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1921-03-17
GRAND MATRON o. E. S.
IS AN OFFICIAL VISITOR
TO LAKELAND CHAPTER

Tuesday evening, Mrs. Emily E. JEFF
ferries, of st. Petersburg, the Grand
Matron of the Grand Chapter of Flor
i'a, o s. s.. m"de her official visit to
Paim Chapter No 26 of Lakeland.
The hall never looked lovelier than
it did with the beautiful palms and
cut flowers used for the occasion.
After the Grand Matron and Grand
Patron. c. E. McMullen. were escort
ed to the East, the conductress, Miss
Minnie McCord, and Mrs Don Me
Donald, and the Star points, Miss
Lola Trammell, Mrs. j. W. BucI
snan. Jr., Mrs. Cyrus Wolfson, Mrs.
c.. F. Bovine, and Mrs. J. C. Davis.
gave a pretty drill, and presented the
grand officers with emblematic flow
ers. AS their drill was originated by
beloved member of Palm Chapter,
Mrs. Grant Conant, it was greatly ap-
preciated and praised by all present
Other honored guests were two
Past Grand Nations of Florida Mrs
Marian Reed of Tampa. and Mrs
Walter Scott. of TT. Meade, and two
Past Grand Patrons. Mr. Sample. of
Tampa, and Mr.. Northrup, from Mich
Schneider, of Plant City, Associate
Grand Conductress Mrs. Loca Oglesby
OF Barlow, Sentinel Mr.. Walter Scott,
OF TT. Meade.
There were about three hundred
guests. many members being present
from the following nearby chapters:
Plant City, Mulberry, Iaines City,
Tampa, Bowling Green, and almost
all of Barlow chapter.
About sixty past and present Wor.
thy Matrons. and Worthy Patrons
were introduced.
The impressive degrees were con
fcrrcd on several candidates.
The Grand MatrOn made most
beautiful and impressive talk on the
work of our beautiful order, at the
close of which she was presented
with a handsome luncheon set from
Palm Chapter, by Miss Lola Tram
nell.
Mrs. Don Mcdonald. in her charm
ing manner, then presented our Grand
Patron, Mr.. McMullen, with grace
full basket of sweet peas
Short talks were made by all the
other grand officers and were greatly
enjoyed.
The Grand Patron, in few we'll
chosen words, presented Mrs. A. w.
COrnelison' one of the most beloved
Past Matrons of Palm Chapter, with
Il Past Masters jewel from Palm
Chapter, for which she graciously
thanked the chapter.
Mrs. Howard Maxwell, in her able
manner, gave beautiful toast to the
Older. -
A very pretty poem. 'Adah, The
First Point was ably given by Miss
Lola Trammell.
AT the close of the meeting deli
cious refreshments, consisting of
chicken salad, sandwiches, coffee,
brick ice cream and home made cake,
we're served.
In the wee small hours all turned
komeward, declaring they had never
spent more delightful evening in any
chapter room.
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1921-03-17
LAKELAND'S WEATHER

Skies of almost unbroken blue
ness are looking down on the tour
of the National Editorial Associa-
ton through Polk county today. A
regular summer temperature is
prevailing with the thermometer
ranging from Ga to SO in the past
twent-four hours. The forecast
indicates no great change in tenn
perature but suggests partly
cloudy weather for tonight and
Friday.
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1921-03-17
SEES GREAT CHANGES

DR.. and Mrs. 1. l.. Potter, of Ak
ley, o.. who have spent the winter
here at the home of Mr.. and Mrs. NJ
l.. Bradley, left Wednesday for their
home. Dr.. and Mrs. Potter were
last in Lakeland fifteen or eighteen
years ago, and were much astonished
al the many improvements that have
taken place in this city and commun-
ity in that time. They say that they
hope to return next winter and every
winter for the rest of their lives.
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1921-03-17
FIND FRIENDS HERE

In the touring party of the National
Editorial Association are Mr.. and
Mrs. Geo. Schlosser, Mr.. and Mrs. c.
n. Seares, Mark Scott, Mrs Kendall
Cressy and Miss Carrie Black. all of
Sioux Falls. S. Oak, and they are
old-time friends of Mr. and Mrs. Will
F. Wider. Others in the party who
found old friends to greet them here
were Mr.. and Mrs. E. +. Johnston Of
Qlowa City, Ia, friends of Mr. and
Mrs Thomas Contner.