Evening star., 1921-02-20

TO apply Tor the position OF
your private secy. and prom
ised that if 1 was give this position 1
would write all your speeches and
messages and etc. and also promised
to write your inauguration address
so as you can judge for yourself il l
have got gift along these lines and
L said you was at liberty to use this
address whether you give me the po-
sition or no. Weil. ". e., here is the
sample address like 1 promised and
1 guess tney lao u0uUL ABOUT you
uselng it IL viii knock tnem dead
but maybe 1 better exciaiin why 1
have wrote this KIND or an address
witch is SO different than the cut and
dry inauguration addresses other
I'residents mas sprang.
Well. w. G., what ever people thinks
about Pres. Wilson they can't nobody
deny that he is the Duke when II
comes to disgorgeing the motheD
tongue and il you was to follow
him in with a regular cut and dry
speech. why people that had been use
to hearing Pres. Wilson's speeches and
then heard yours would think they
had either elected a deef mute Presi-
dent or an immigrunt that hadn't bee n
over here long enough to pick w the
language.
So the main idear is to bulge out
with Il bran new style that Woodrow
never monkeyed with and that is why
l wrote this kind Of a speech with a
lot of gags in it and at the same time
/ have followed the rules layed down
by all the Presidents since Lincoln
and touched on all the big QueDkton6
of the day without saying nothing
about them. and most OF the gags 4!
have used l found in book called
"Toasts and After Dinner Stories and
if you appt. me your private Secy. !
will bring the book along to the
White House and you can memoriZe
a few of the gags so as you won't be
not there to keep them in an uproar.
Jnauguration Address.
MY fellow men and ladies' OF the
e'i opp. sex: And speaking of the
ladies', 1 would be fine bum If !
didn't open this speech with toast:
Here's to our wives.
They keep our hives
In little bees and honey.
They darn our socks,
They soOthe lifes shocks,
And how they spend the money
--rt UAughter)
But suppose you men folks will be
jealous If don't toast you also, so:
Here's to man. He is like kero-
sene lamp. He is not very bright. He
is often turned down. He generally
smokes. And he frequently goes out
at night. G4anghter)
I Me being here today reminds Qe OF
the story of the old gentleman that
seen little newsboy carrying big
bundle of papers under his arm. The
old gentleman felt sorry for the boy
and said. Don't all them papers make
you tired, my boy?"
Nav" replied the lad, Il don't read
them" (Laughter)
Now ladies and gentlemen. I suppose
you will want to know how l stand in
regards to the situation in Europe.
Well friends that reminds me of
story + heard about an American mil
lionaire that was travelling in Europe
in a hired automobile and the driver
was a speed demon. Finely the scared
millionaire got up courage to ask,
"Where are we?"
I'm Paris" shouted the man at the
wheel as they tore along.
Never mind the details" said the
millionaire. II mean what continent"
(Laughter.)
Now my friends: great many peo-
pie has asst me when / think the war
will be over between this country and
Germany. will answer them by tell
ing a story about a woman that went
into a photograph gallery:
do you take pictures of children :"
Yes" was the reply.
How much are they. please" ast
the woman. -,
'"rhree dollars a Dozen" said the
prop.
well" said the woman with a sigh,
II only got eleven" daughter.)
X X X
NOW my friends you will wish to
know my stand in regards to
England and Ireland. Well, friends. I
maybe better tell you the story bout
John Bull and Pat. The Englishmar