davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1921-02-26
HUMANlsMs \
william Atherton Du Puy.

A delegation OF Congressman not long ago
went on a tunket to Panama and while they were
there Mrs. McKeown wife of the representative
from Oklahoma received very beautiful bou-
walker
Not knowing anybody Of that name Mr.. Nc
Keown curious and went to look up the
donor. He found that gentleman to be a high
executive with splendid record.
Walker explained that he had gone to Oklahoma
twenty years ago a hobo. He had asked for food
at the back door of a family in the town OF
Wagner. He had not only been given food, but
had become teegrapher and had married in
been steady He owed II all to Oklahoma hos
pitality. The flowers to the wife of an Oklahoma
Congressman were an expression OF his apprecia-
ton.
The collector OF internal revenue William Mar
tin William, tells from his experience OF the
necessity on the part Of a public servant of an
enforced courtesy and wakefulness in the race
Of circumstances that tend in the opposite di-
rection.
He used to be solicitor for the Department Of
Agriculture. AS such he enforced the pure-food
act, the meat-inspection act and forty three 9TH
There one phase of the pure-food act
upon which he was called to rule. He heard
all the arguments and handed down his ruling;
The next week another manufacturer appeared
with the same problem. He had come from
far city and had brought counsel Mr. Williams
heard the same arguments and made the same
ruling.
He was required to listen to that same argu-
ment and make that same ruling eighteen times
in the year. Had he refused to listen to any OF
these eighteen manufacturers they would have
gone away cursing the arbitrary methods OF the
Government Had any one Of these eighteen law
yers not been allowed to get his speech OFF his
chest he would have gone home with the cancer
Of hate of Government gnawing at his vitals.
But along about the fourteenth argument one
tends to browse
1t was nearly in the morning and high school
girls filled the street cars on their way to class
Pink and white and pretty with promise they
were like a perambuatirg field of hyacinths In
which ordinary passengers stood out as do stumps
of last years plants.
A very stout old negro woman got the
with a basket of clothes, uncomfortab In the
crowd mumbling garrulousy to herself as is
the custom of her kind. An elderly gentleman,
huge in bulk, pouched OF cheek, arose and gave
the washerwoman his seat Cumbrously lie hung
to n strap as the car pounded over the crossings.
The schoolgirls got the giggles The unwield-
iness OF these two odd figures broke down their
decorum. They little knew that this pouched
gentleman was the greatest judicial dignity in
America, Chief Justice White OF the Supreme
. Court OF the United states
Copyright, 1921, by Public Ledger Coz
The Washington times., 1921-02-26
A N alleged economic expert tes-
~ titled the other day before the
4 - Sapata committaa that Russia


~ tilted the other day before the
"A Senate committee that Russia
is a great economic void" and
that though it is desirable to trade
with Russia, yet there is nothing in
Russia with which to trade.
There are none so blind as those
that will not see.
Before our intelligence was
drugged with propaganda, no one
would have dared to tell commit
tee of the Senate, for the purpose
of circulating it through the country,
that region occupying one-sixth
of the dry land of the earth, practi-
cally unexploited by man, with
mineral resources and wealth of
arabic soil beyond anything now left
in the world, was an Economic
void"
If it were like our own great West
after the civil war, practically void
of people to develop the land, still
Russia could be no more an "eco-
nomic void" than was our own
West.
If there were not a soul in Russia,
her enormous tracts of timber, whose
natural increase every year is suffi-
cient to take care of the worlds use
of timber, the wealth of minerals in
her mountains, the fish in her
mighty rivers, the fertility of that
vast belt of black soil which
stretches across the great Russian
empire, more alluvial than anything
we have in America, and the Ca
pacity of her great plains to sup
port cattle, make of Russia an i'm
mense space as opposite from a
"void" as a solid substance can be.
But when you add to this enor-
nous natural wealth the presence
The Washington times., 1921-02-26
Setback For
MiLitdristS
THE selection Of Reval as the city
in which the Rumanian and

THE selection of Reval as the city
in which the Rumanian and
4 Russian Soviet negotiators are
to meet is a wholesome and signifi-
cant symptom that the Rumanian
Government has come to its senses
and has thrown off the evil influence
of the British and French imperial
lists and militarists.
For months, French and British
agents, under the high-sounding title
of military Missions" have been
in Eastern Europe, endeavoring to
bribe, coerce OF persuade the Polish,
Bohemian, Hungarian and Rumanian
governments to make war upon the
Russian and German republics. 1t
looked for time that the Rumanian
Government would yield to the
pressure of the French militarists,
but with the selection of the Estho-
nian capital as the seat Of negotia-
tions, and the dispatch of we'll
disposed diplomatic legation from
both Moscow and Bucharest, the
French plot against Europe's peace
seems to have failed 80 far as the
Rumanian kingdom is concerned.
And failure of the French mill
tarists in Rumania naturally means
their failure In the weaker coun-
tries neighboring Rumania.
The Washington times., 1921-02-26
PLAYS THIS WEEK,

Adam and Eve" THE Pleasure
Seekers" found it was Dangerous
Business" when they ate of "The For
bidden Thing" namely. forbidden
Fruit" They were prisoners OF
Love" Way Down East" and when
it came to Paying the Piper" 1t
proved to be "Town Scandals" but
they promised to Love. Honor and
Behave" THE Truth" is. though,
that because of their Love" and dis
obedience they were branded as "The
Stealers." Polly With Past"
otherwise known as the misleading
Lady" while reviewing "The Passing
Show" proved "The Life of the
Party" She admitted being one of
THE Restless Sex" and said she at
tended "The Charm School," She
was dressed in "Heliotrope" silk and
caught the eye of 1.-THE Hottentot."
who cried, "Oh, Lady, Lady," and
told her she had "The Right to Love"
him. She lost MY Ladys Latchkey,"
but he found It for her. and they
became Just Pals" Later they were
"Sweethearts." LEONA NAE
The Washington times., 1921-02-26
In that recent bootleg" raid
the Government secured a good
sized BOOT-but the LEG is
marching on.
FRED VETTER.
BEEN GOING ON FOR YEARS.
FRED VETTER.

+. j. SCHWAB says that twenty
years from now the boys will be
wondering what has become of the
good old-fashioned girls of twenty
years ago" He is right; they were
wondering the same thing twenty
years since. and they have been doing
1t ever since the world began. Twenty
years ago the women wore skirts of
an extreme, inconvenient length, yet
the men denounced the styles as dan
gerously near immodesty," and have
a number of newspaper clippings that
will prove it. A man is in pretty poor
business when he criticizes the attire
OF women. yet they have always done
ii. / have no doubt that Adam found
fault with Ewes fig-leaf. that 1t was
either too large or too small to suit
the lord of creation"
II. b. ROSSELL.
The Washington times., 1921-02-26
Those Foreign
LOans---W

IN HIRD in the order Of our foreign
debtors is Italy, which owes US
L $1,666, ,260,179 in principal and
$120,258,713 in interest.
If we should have to amortize this
debt ourselves, it would raise the
tax burden of the average American
family from the twenty-seven dol
lars a year required by the debts of
Britain and France to nearly thirty
three dollars.
Italy may be slow pay, because
she is very poor and the war has
left her terribly burdened. But
Italy will pay when she can, for her
honor is pledged, and no people are
more sensitive to debts Of hllor.
The Washington times., 1921-02-26
Budget Issue
At Stake

IN Washington next Monday
caucus of House members of the
. incoming Congress is to be held,
and an attempt made to undo the
present plan of passing all estimates
through centralized appropriations
committee.
Opposing the present plan are the
chairmen of nine committees who
lost power when the question Of re-
viewing estimates was taken from
them; their dependents and mem
bers who do not want a budget sys-
TEN with systematized economy.
They hope to swing the eighty new
members.
The President-elect and his party
are pledged to budget system and
public necessity demands it, but an
effective one is impossible if com
petitive committees may work at
odds in drafting appropriation bills.
No new member should enter the
caucus without understanding the
ia0uA
The Washington times., 1921-02-26
THE TWO CHURCH sTEEPLEs.

AS / was walking down Vermont
avenue this morning 1 noticed two
tall church steeples in the distance.
One belongs to the Vermont Avenue
Church and the other to the
Lutheran Church at Thomas circle.
The two steeples appeared close be.
side each other. and both looked to
be exactly the same height But the
Lutheran Church is 100 yards further
down the street than the Christian
Church. therefore. its steeple, appear
ing Of equal height with the other
steeple, must be higher. II was
standing 400 yards away from the
Church. and It's steeple is
estimated at 60 feet high. how high
is the steeple of the Lutheran Church?
BOSTON BEANEATER.
The Washington times., 1921-02-26

The Japs have seized zap
by the ears right under the
chin of Uncle Sam. 1t is
only six thousand three cent
miles from the ". s. which
means an insult right under
the diplomatic nose.
The Washington times., 1921-02-26

There is no booze on Yap
island. So it can't be a very
good place. even at it's worst.
Uncle Sam wants Yap as an
adding station for his trans
Pacific cable tolls.
The Washington times., 1921-02-26
Stars and Stripes
An idle wish ne'er filled the dish.

An idle wish ne'er filled the dish.
Clean living is the most successful beauty
doctor.
Speech is taught in the schools: silence Is
taught in the world.
The man who hates his duties most usually
loves his rights the best.
Truth In a good companion to travel about
with, but II often embsrrasses us withsits naked
mesa
The Washington times., 1921-02-26
THAT POKER PROBLEM.

Unanimously the math experts say
that NJ II. c., Jr.. started into that
poker game with $50. He came out
with $50. having won $2s. Evidently
a fairly stiff game. Answers by
DoRoTHEA, e. r.. Il. II. s. twho
writes that he hopes the @. o. C. may
live forever'D, S. ]. STEIN, w. D.
PAYNE, II. b. RossELL, HOWARD NJ
BAGGETT, Alexandria, "U STREET
JIMMY" ''MASSAC." L. II. SHAEF-
FER, GEORGE HILLYER.
The Washington times., 1921-02-26

We are also actuated by a
desire to bring the Yellow
Peril nearer. The popula-
ton is only 5000. A raid
for Cabinet officers would
exhaust the island in two
weeks.
The Washington times., 1921-02-26
HABIT.

"Sir. when you eat here you needn't
dust of your plate" the indignant res
taurant keeper said.
Beg pardon, Just force Of habit"
said the baseball umpire.
MICKEY.
The Washington times., 1921-02-26

CURIOUS" seems pestered be-
cause. As she puts II. the large
sign at the new w. B. and A.
terminal has an error. She says
there are periods after w. and A.
but not after b. Maybe the
painter couldn't come to 4 stop
when he reached the b.
Ed--Gee, but / got a weak back.
Bill-How long you had it7
Ed--Oh, about a week back.
r.. n
The Washington times., 1921-02-26
MIR. B. Baer
YAP. YAP, YAP.

The island that sounds
like the canine chorus in
moon minor again rushes
out Of the rear pew into
the charmed circle of motor
iety.
The Washington times., 1921-02-26

The men are the hand
soonest bowlegged citizens
in the world. The women
are cross-eyed and beautiful.
They are also feverishly
stylish, wearing almost
enough clothes to be noticed
on Fifth avenue.
The Washington times., 1921-02-26

Yap Is located 3,4oo miles
from the ukulele belt, and
only 1.40o from the Mikado's
kimono factory. A war on
Yap wouldn't annoy the
ne & h b ors' children. The
nearest land Is Guam, 800
miles away as the Old Crow
used to flap. More Cooks
tourists have been cooked
Guam than there are strands
in a Bullshevist's whiskers.
The Washington times., 1921-02-26
BIBLICAL POETRY.
"HANDSOME HARRY" says he
learned these poems when a theo-


learned these poems when a theo-
logical student:
Adam was the FIRST man,
Eve was his wife,
They lived In Garden,
And led happy life.
But Eve, she ate an apple,
And they couldn't remain,
SO they moved into the suburbs
And started raising Cain.
Essu wa. a hunter. of the Wild ana
woody West,
His father left half his goods,
To brother Jake the rest,
But Esau didn't keep II, for the title
wasn't clear,
SO he sold IL to his brother for two
'protzels and n beer.
Daniel was n wise man
OF mighty brain and Drawn,
But didn't make big hit
with the Dukes OF Babylon
And so they put him In den
with lions underneath
But Daniel was n dentist
SO he pulled the Hons teeth
I know a 75-year-old man who
clips II and s and sends II to his
nephew In England. c. Z. T.
The Washington times., 1921-02-26
A COAL PROBLEM.

I offer this one: II "A" can put
away a ton Of coal In ONE min
ute and 1t takes "B" IL minutes
to put away a ton, how long will
1t take A and B together to put
away q ton Of coal?
U STREET JIMMY.
The Washington times., 1921-02-26
PROFITEERING.

IHtrc Whs IIttIe hen,
And she laid a lot Of eggs:
She Matched them into chickens
with feathers on their lega
The chickens grew to puilets.
As all good chickens orter,
And each sold In the market
For two dollars and . quarter.
INA DTu
The Washington times., 1921-02-26

Dear Old Bill: Won't you
wear just q little different sort
Of nut from the others April
so we can distinguish our be-
loved editor? think II a splen-
did idea for the fans to be able
to recognize each other that
day. MARGIE.
The Washington times., 1921-02-26
THAT GENDER, PROBLEM.

That "binder" problem has the
maths tearing their hair. Even the
man who submitted it merely gave
the answers which were popular"
at the time the problem had every
body going.
Until today no two answers agreed.
These answers come from two of the
foremost maths In Washington They
work the problem in detail. furnish
ing maps and explanations. They are
Q. e. d. and "ANNA LIST" Both state
that No 1 binder cut 10,112 SO. feet
moro than the second.
The cleverest sort Of work Ii done In
arriving at the answers The answers
will be kept for maths desiring to
see them. Room 1866 Munsey build
ing.
Tramp to lady-wIn you please
give a poor actor something to eatr
Z Lady-Actor7 WHAT'S your liner
Tramp-Tm . fawncy dancer. ma
: am.
Lady-rll give you something to
eat, but first come around to the wood
pile. I'd like to see you do THE
SPLITS"
rurc pAcKENHErAfER
The Washington times., 1921-02-26
APRIL 1 INSIGNIA.

ALTON p. WATTS thinks it
might be a good idea for fans to
wear real nuts off clocks or auto
mobiles April /. The fans seem to
be going to decorate with all sorts
of nuts.
The Washington times., 1921-02-26

Dear Bill: I see that Mr.. Hard
ing says he would ride on the
street car Inauguration Day II
he could. This is the best yet
maybe II he would hang on a
Washington Ry. & Electric strap
for q while he would be inter-
ested in the car merger plan.
61S.
The Washington times., 1921-02-26

The only trouble with
adopting Yap Is that the en-
tire 1900 sole surviving citi-
zens would spend the next
century In Washington argu-
ing for home rule. Seems
better to let the Jap keep
the Yap, as Americanlzing
the island would ruin the
souvenir postcard industry.
The Washington times., 1921-02-26
APRIL 1 GREETINGS.

When . nut meets q nut,
He must speak to he or she,
And say, Il don't know you. but
1 belong to the same glorious famileAL~
Just say q word and give q smile
As you pass upon your way,
And remember its going to be fns
For the q. o. o. r. on that day.
JACAREE.
The Washington times., 1921-02-26

LlSIEN fOh LANDIbI
They thought that General Dawes was
They ssssd on him with a strsns. regard
That seldom Congressional chambers reach
They muttsred oh, and We'll. we'll wsll''
when ne yelled Damn" and hoiisrsd
But walt IN they hear what Lands says
Sweet mamAi Oh, boyi
They'll think that General Dawes was
General Dawes was stirred. they say.
And spoke In . most unconventional way:
Hot, sulphuric, and scorisc woids
Thst scared the grass and shocked the
The plaster fell In the classic halls.
The paint was blistered upon the walls;
But walt 'till they hear Judge Lands
sw-e-st Jaoobi Come 4. seveni
when once they get In the Judges clutch
rhsyi s long for the Generals tender
They thought that General Dawes was
tDesr MeD
Considered his sentences short and grun
tHol HoD
But now they'll hear epithets fall like
every one with . sting In Its tasD
Acidulous. pungent, mordant fare,
Thatli loosen their teeth and curl their
For they're going to pick on Judge Lands
Hot coneei Hold 'em Yale,
After they've heard Judge Lands there,
Dawes will sound like q msiden's prayer.
I-WAY.
The Washington times., 1921-02-26

There was . young oakis named Mcclure.
Who saw a lady and thought he knew hsr
He raised his hat,
She gave him q bat
And he landed on his ear In the sevw
The Washington times., 1921-02-26
FOR BOwLEps.

Did you ever see a nnGer
bowl7 They say q tomato can,
but as a bowler. don't you
think nutmeg graterH
GOLDIE.
The Washington times., 1921-02-26
JULES BAcKENHEIMER
sPEJ,JING aFROG.~

SPELLING "FROS.~
Johnny was trying to spell 'froE,
he got as far as "fr" and stuck The
boy next to him stuck him with a pin.
when Johnny yelled "Oh. Gee"
Correct" said the teacher.
JACK and GILL
The Washington times., 1921-02-26
YES, IT'S HER,

Who plans to make your future bright?
Your little wife.
Who cooks to tempt your appetizer
Your little wife.
Who tells her woman friends that you:
Are one grand husband through and
Through:
Who's the best girl you ever knew?
Your little wife.
Who pats your cheek yhen you get home (?
Your little wife.
Who smooths the thin hair on your dome I?
Your little wife.
Who looks at you. her brown eyes clear
And snuggles to you extra near
Say. ITS pay day, Amt IL dear!"
Your little wife.
BOSTON NUT.
The Washington times., 1921-02-26

Besides, Americans have a keenly
sympathetic feeling for the gallant
part and strenuous sacrifices of
Italy in the war. And they remem-
Der that it was the craftsmanship of
Italy, quite first in the councils of
Europe, which rebounded from the
imperialistic extremes so popular in
the first moments after the armi-
stice and began to urge forgetting
old feuds and facing the future
generously.
Indeed it is only fair to say that
the Italian government has for some
months past been the one Old World
government which has shown an in
telligent comprehension of economic
necessities, so wantonly ignored at
Versailles, and a large view of the
conciliatory and healing measures
required to bring peace and recon-
struction.
So we voice no impatience or
anxiety as to the Italian loan. It
is one of two among our eleven war
loans which had largest excuse in
the circumstances of our opening of
Uncle Sans Treasury to foreign
needs.
The Washington times., 1921-02-26

There 10 no frog In the
world who can rule two
ponds. We had better stick
to the mandatory over
Armenia, feeding the Chin
ese. buttlnr into Persian af-
fairs and other domestic
problems.
The Washington times., 1921-02-26
DASCHUND.

Here's a schoolboy's composition or
the daschund:
THE daschund is q dog, notwith,
standin' appeerinces. He has four
legs, two in front and Two behind,
an they amt on speaking terms.
wunst made a daschund out of Q
cucumber and four matches, and II
lookt as nacheral as life. Daschunds
is fairly intelligent considerin' thare
shaip. Their brains being so far frum
their tales, II bothers them to was
the latter. l wunst moo a daschund
who wuz too impashunt to waite tin
he Good signal the hole length of his
body when ne wanted II to wag his
tale. so he maid IT up with his tale
when he wanted IT to wag he would
shaik his rite ear, and when the tale
seen II shaik II wood wag. But a.
fer me, gimme bull pup with Q
peddygree." BEACH NUT.
The Washington times., 1921-02-26

Here's a crackerjack motto:
do right, and fear no man;
do not write, and fear no
woman" CHEERUPADIST
The Washington times., 1921-02-26

WHERE THE NUTS MEET.
What's the use bringing up the
suggestion OF a reunion Of all
the columns nutsY Don't we all
have happy meetings in Bills
wastebasket?
FRED vETTER.
The Washington times., 1921-02-26
Opening the Russian Void
Would Start Our Factories

upon the soil of nearly two hundred
millions of the white race, vigorous,
virile, industrious, good-natured and
capable Of discipline, needing only
leadership, experts and technicians,
and desiring them, you have in the
Russian empire potentiality for
redeeming PROSTATE white world
that was never given by nature to
civilization in any other period of
human history with which we are
acquainted.
The nonchalance with which these
cheap little nobodies from the State
Department tell the American people
such obvious nonsense as this, that
Russia is an economic void" is
past all understanding.
Today many of our factories are
closed and thousands Of American
workmen are out of employment.
The great agricultural sections of
the country are suffering as they
have not suffered in twenty years.
Opening of trade with Russia would
be a start toward better times.
We were threatened with a panic
in 1914, and a very slight increase
of trade with France and England
on account of war orders saved us
from a panic then. Trade with
Russia could soon be ten times great
er than the war orders of England
and France in 1914.
Peace in Russia and the resump-
ton of trade relations with her
would have as great and as bene-
fetal an effect upon American pros
perity as the opening up of our own
great West aided British industry
and gave England her great impetus
of prosperity during the mid
Victorian period.
The Washington times., 1921-02-26
91EARD,ns sEEF@
Rv RIIL PRICE

This IL the business" card of a
chap ! knew In Boston:
WILL u. kIssAE.
Wholesale and Retail
Dealer In Kisses and
Up-to-date Hugs.
Address: Any place at all. ofac.
hours. any time you see me. / have
no agents. attend to the worb
PERSONALLY. BOSTONIAN.
New song dedicated TO bootlegxers
words and music by Major CESS
FORD:
"You may be deaf tonight, but
you'll
Get your hearing in the morn
ing" TAPS.