davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-12-18
Quincy Todd on Christmas Gifts

telephones down and gets what she
wants. which is a platinum vinai-
grette, which would buy enough
deers' heads to fresco every Elks'
lodge room in the United States.
80. at the Same time have no
Idear whether my wife wants .
pianola or . wringer. On the last
day, after wandering around and
worrying for three weeks. I COM
promise and buy her . gold mesh
bag which shakes me down for
quite q number Of beans. have
not given her q handbag since her
birthday in October, and I ngger
she has already sent that one to
her sister. .. .
SWELL, when she opens her pres
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-12-18

emit on Christmas morning she
says: OF all things. another hand
bag and I have already got enough
from my relatives to stock . notion
store. think this II the tenth.
Anyhow. It IL . yellow-gold bag,
which Il eight years behind the
style. It should b . grssn-gold
bag, II you arc bound to give me
. bag, but you should have moved
that for six months have had my
mind SGT on . blue silk ombreller
with . ruby set in the end Of the
handle and . white bone tip onto
the bottom OF it.
II am sorry I am not second
sighter.' I says. II I can see
through . stone wall o. Rad some
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-12-18
Life In the Great City

Some elderly hdy rsmafkss
Prohibition Huhl Why. I Asvs
seen more drunken msn since
and 70 forth and 80 forth.
At the next station three persons
get on and ono hundred and forty
seven got on. You nnd yourself
occupying the same relative posi-
ton that Austria occupies in
Europe, 10 compressed that your
shoulder blades rub against each
other behind your back. You can
not chew gum for that requires too
much space. It 10 best to assume
At once the attitude which You in.
tend to hold during the whole trip,
for you won't have . chance 10
change It. But you have the salts.
faction Of knowing you can't fall
down
You give Q correct imitation Of q
Central Park statue and when you
reach your station you try to get
OF. It is subway psychology that
nobody wants to get on whore you
do. and you have to crowd BY all
Of them and get glare from each.
You reach your Office twenty
minutes late and - tired a. though
you had done . days work. All
during tho day you have the pleas
ant anticipation Of the trip back.
when you viii. without doubt have
four or i've packages.
And still some smart city folks
smile at Farmer 6nodgrass, Of
Pinckneyvflls, who sits IN . com.
Portable buggy and drives the old
gray marc down to the postoffice
for the man.
Who are the boobs. anyway
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-12-18

z you believe you have been IN
v bed only i've minutes when
4 the wife yeIls: Beat It
IT'S half-past eight"
You Jump into your clothes IKE
. fireman. make . pass with the
toothbrush and comb. grab some
thing OF the table a. you pass
through the dining room and enjoy
subway breakfast-a .doughnut
and . banana. You have thirty
minutes to make . ffty-minuts trip.
You run to the subway and ind
you are fortyseventh in line and .
dear. near-sighted old gentleman II
At tho window trying to buy .
ticket with . twenty-dollar bill.
You edge up to the window, inch
BY inch. rush on. make . pass over
the ncket-chopper's box. Maybe
the ticket drops in and maybe It
sticks to your hand. The chopper
shakes hands with his chopping
machine and dreams Of owning Q
Ford.
On the platform you ind s6s
persons who have . consuming am
bition to enter . certain door Of .
certain car in Q train Of ten You
get in with tho loss of three over
coat buttons and dop down on
seat II you nop down on . ladys
lap, subway etiquette demands that
you rise. touch your hat with the
nrt finger Of your right hand and
humble, "Begpardon. Quiteacci-
dental" The train gives . lurch
and you sk1d down the car and land
up against post In the position OF
q pre-volstead gentleman clinging
to ono Of . forest q telephone
poles.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-12-18
The Phantom Ship.

vHE good ship Eddy sail from the Bahama Islands
Her pointed hard for the New highland
- Her load destined be New York pakeasy
captain whiske wind blew
Sixteen a dead n,ans chest,
Ys hel And a Of Dss0aTs BEST
taekaSs
The uddy Ann going home with terrific package
Like who wandss late In life paths of pim perfection,
This ad old Boston fishing craft - bent for sseon
Old Cop Kidd q Of psrts.
Bot pratss know the finer ayts
headed oh. awful
conduct the anything but lawful.
captain said himself, "Thsrs way to US,
whore land they'll all be thor.
Morgan, The pirate, q pip
Bot he nsosr handle spRisd ship
Old Neptune raised hurricane and he did her
In vain to lock her In Davy Joness locker
Her friend the captain tried her homsward
But she brought about three miles from Shnneoock Island
Sailing. sailing oosr the bounding main,
And illegal jass shau ~ rsfur again.
captain said f.rssh you dim It,
The miionass In boats and all chubby
NE on the . home on ths bounding Deep
They relieved her Of her load yawnins
Was filed with gin and and Scotch by Teller
The uddy Ann lay quite her rshs
She sailed beneath the BtiAh flag hoot for
But, sailor, bsuarst sailor bsuars,
Mony brave Hs asiee In the dssp-
So. bswors-bs-uars.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-12-18

ifionu SuneJ Aouu - no'
V exactly what you will call
tight proposition with his
ainero. He Is Just about as liberal
- any bird who bets the limit on
. pair Of nsh-hooks when somebody
else IL clinching a pat-straight He
IL by way Of being q very generous
sort OF person II he thinks he has
got q Chinaman's chance to get 1t
back, II you know what I mean. He
has never been known to give away
any pianos or automobiles or
houses and lots unless somebody
gives the affair a slight gambling
tinge. Quincy descends from the
old Egyptian Faros who ran a faro
bank In Cairo.
He will not buy a bum q ham
sandwich, but he will bet $25 that
the sandwich has got ham in It or
has not got ham In It and let you
take your choice either way.
"You might as we'll give a slide
trombone to a one-armed man as to
try to give any relative a Christmas
present that will please Them" says
Quincy. "It costs the average guy
about eight hundred berries a year
to find out that he can give a lot
Of relatives he don't like q lot OF
presents that they don't want and
receive In return q hand-painted
necktie and eight or nine sets Of
$1.S5 military brushes"
And Quincy has as much need Of
military hair brushes as q giant
auk's egg.
"The most useless thing in the
world" says Quincy. lis a useful
present. II you haul OF and give
q woman . sensible present she
thinks you are trying to pinch the
bank-roll on her. II you give her
q now set of bedroom furniture she
will tell you she was hoping you
would get her q celluloid rattle
box with a rhinestone set in the
handle. II you want 10 make .
lifelong enemy Of . man give him
e1S worth Of good socks. He would
rather have two bucks worth Of
hemp cigars.
Il never quite give up faith IN
Shs eternal verities, whatever they
are. until I set out about this time
Of the year to pick out q present
for the wife. About the Fourth Of
July . woman makes up her mind
what she wants for Christmas. but
she keeps II such . secret you
can't got II II you blast with dyna-
Dsite. She wants what she wants,
bu. Il IL none Of your business, and
II you can't guess what It 10 you are
In bad. tease my wife for three
weeks last year. and hll she says
is: II you bring another brush
and-comb set into this house this
Christmas I win give It to the gar
bage man
-she puts me Jerry to>nothing
regarding said present, and so I 20
at the Job with all the confidence
of a Chinese delegate to tho dis
armament conference. don't
know what am going to get. But
I am pretty sure I am going to got
in wrong.
IL know IL write her out
check for Christmas, or give her a
mess Of gold pieces. she will say
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-12-18

Fob Tomkins II . tribe >het up
these days. He was up to the Bap-
fist Church sociable one evenin'
last week an they was playin' Q
game called "Goin' to jerusalem"
In this game they put . bunch Of
chairs in q row. one less chair than
there 10 people in the game. Then
the music starts an the players
march aroun' the row Of chairs.
When the music stops every one
tries to grab . chair an the one
that gets left II out Of the game.
Fob weighs 200 an some odd an
just when tho seat Of his trousers
was maxim eyes at . chair some
one pulls the chair out Of his sone
OF interest an Feb hit the floor
with no love tap. Just ask Fob II
he wants to 30 to jerusalem Al
see where he tells "a to 60. II don't
sound much like jerusalem
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-12-18

Dave Collins has got his new
house all fixed up swell with . lot
Of this new style instalment period
furniture. Yes Stree. everything
right up to the minute. He even
has this here reed furniture in the
library.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-12-18
By Roy K. Moulton.

bodys mind through the armor-
plate OF me battleship West vir
ginia, which II sixteen inches thick.
perhaps I can pick out = satistao-
tory present.
You should of knowed,' she ro-
plies. I give you enough hints.
Every time you left the house In
two months past I tell you It looks
like rain. and only two days ago I
ten you / have to borry Mrs. Pur-
vis's ombreller to come homo
withr
-How would I know you have
predictions or preferences to-
ward blue onsf' I askS.
81 told you yesterday 4 looked
tks . rainy day and felt blue
and I was going over 70 see Cousin
Ruby in the afternoon she says.
II was . man I would 90 and
Jump in the lake a. . Christmas
present picker she adds.
This year. howexar. I have gotI
It all nggered out am going toI
give her the most useless present
In the world lady's watch, which
In my opinion all . lady's watch IL
good fer ID to crack walnuts or
tack down q stair carpet In my
time I have give my wife threeI
bushsl Of women's watches, and
whom she wants to dnd out what
time It ID she has to 80 down street,
and look At the clock In the town.
hall But II II has got bird done
in pearls on the case and . cute
clasp to fastsn II onto the wrist
with, Il IL tho goods. This year II
get one of thom square ones that
you can't tell tho time on. even III
II keeps running after the nrst
week.
Even II the present for the wife
amt quite mp to what the doctor
orders. you can in time get back
into her good graces, because she's
got to live with you, and along to
ward the middle of March she BEL
gins to forget the Christmas pres
emit and starts thinking whore she
wants to 60 for the Summer. Butt
when you hand any other relative
. phony present, no matter how
much It costs. they will talk about
you even At your funeral. II your
wifs's sister wants . gold thimblsl
and you send her . limousine. She
never forgives you. Women arel
peculiar critters--almost a. ps-l
culiar ~ men.
"Of course, It amt the present.
itself 90 much a. tho. spirit Of the
thing that counts. But don't you
ever believe that. II you send .
guy . S36 velvet smoking Jacket
and he comes back at you with .
frosted postal card showing little
cottage set In . snow-bank and rcd
printing on II which says, Seasons
0rsetings.' and the fellsr's name
wrote on with violet ink. tho spirit
Of the thing outs about ~ much
cheese ~ q bob-tailed straight
against four kings with An ace on
tho side"
but. after ALL" says Elias q.
HIgginbotham. 1T 10 moro blessed
to give tia, to receive" -
1T sure.is says Quincy; and It
u A,so more expensive"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-12-18

They are shown q movie called
'The Three Musketeers" at the
Opery House In Cherry Valley, but
Manager Slick, OF our local scena-
riograph, not to be outdone. is goin'
to put on "The Six Musketeers."
Nothin' stingy about his house,
says he. Correcto. say We.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-12-18

A bunch Of birds which rendev>
vouzes on our telephone wire down
In Main street seem to act As II
they think II was put up for .
party line.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-12-18

OWN to the backwardnees OF
cold weather In comm forward the
open season on shirt waists Is a bit
late this year. What's the use Of
wearin' . peekaboo shirt waist
when there's no chance Of ketchin'
cold. say we.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-12-18

Sheriff Grabem.A says from the
number of attachments an fore
closures that's bein' passed along
it's q goin' to be . lien year in bust
ness. Leastwise, 60 It looks to him.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-12-18
Rural Editors Scrap Basket

K TOW that the Government has
IN got the marines guardin' the
mail wagons people can ap-
preciate that old crack about the
mailed fist. An It certainly gives
a Teller that grand an glorious feel
In to see his daily letters to his
first girl properly protected.
Japan seems to be afraid some
one is tryin' to get her China ally.
From all tell she's q bum shooter,
as we boys useter say.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-12-18

may now easily b had. simply by taking two
tablets Of Nuxated Iron three times day
with or after your meala orssnic Iron.
contained In Nursted Iron 10 Ike the Iron
In your blood. II quickly enrichss the blood
and helps Greats and rebuild new and stronger
red blood cells and stimulates the blood TO
manufacture . srsatly increased supply Il ~
nsvs fescs. NuxnNsl lrea y tAeFsfeso esae
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-12-18
Thousands Are Now Taking
huron Nerve Force With
Their Breakfast

Remarkable Scientific Product - How Weak. NsrveuaK
Rundown Foks Can Often Obtain Greater Physical ana
Mental Vgor Stronger Nerves and Increase Their Magnets
Power Through Greater Nerve Force in Two Weeks Tine
An eminent physician tho majority Of chronic n'.n 49,
force through controls Of your edy Yea
of indigestion kidneys fail do tAsR
workor hcartpa due o weak nerve force.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-12-18

IT'S . good thing that Jed Nichols
wears . rope aroun' his trousers to
keep 'em from becomin' decolletts,
instead Of suspsnders, or Spike Mo-
Manys would'a drowned in Dee
ver's Pond. Spike was just about
Eoin' down for the third time when
Jed unleashsd the rope from his
trousers an chucked It to Spike.
As Jed's architectural plan 10 laid
out like . Pennsylvania round
house there was rope enough an
to spare to haul Spike in. Style 10
all right In it's place, but when 1t
comes to keep from bein' drowned
we'd stake our life on rope in
stead of nair of silk gallusss any
day. say we.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-12-18

The glove salesman at the Main
street emporium says It's q great
difficulty to At the people properly
with gloves nowaday. because they
have such big callouses on the
thumb an forefnger Of their right
hand from twistin' the put an take.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-12-18

No one has Jest fingered out how
many Of these hers now Mingled
calories are in Q ton Of coal. but
It sure docs make You hot whom "a
have to pay for . ton
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-12-18

All these prohibition endorsement
lawmakers are continually talkin'
about alcoholic content. What dye
mean. alcoholic content. says Jabes
smithsrs. He says he's never had
enough yet, SOS to be content
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-12-18
Cogitations of a Cuckoo


IT is better 10 be . talhsht shine all
= cheapest auto to u an autobiography.
Many man ID good . word-but no better.
10 Of them can ts put
They they u apiece
The only good thing having
will give job.
Everything bushsl for
bushsl Of coal
when you try your excellent
swimmers
sood many their health who have nsv~
donear anything their health believe
At some dinners they and
past
Don't blame elevator Maybe 10
has an efficient has cut his hal.
There . New Jersey who don't believe b
hort man away. ta1ks loud tan
When asus shake for the dnA
have inst BEEN thing whsFs
asked her Boston," she said
Sweet . . Advertising
may bs said q many lady conquer
Charity 4. covering q multitude Of Fifth
n. -um.r& SET Il sooan.d IT called
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-12-18

The boys up at the general store
have christened Sam Johnson. our
tallest darkey (Same Is six foot
seven) "Stogie," because he's such
q long smoke.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-12-18

The women in our town have
been annoyed by . bunch of rakes
congregated IN front Of Hammers
Main street hardware store an the
constable has ordered Sam to, place
en- inside tho store. sayin' that w
won't stand for no old rakes an
noyin' the fair sex Of our town.
Sam got sarcastic an says he sup
poses the ladies were afraid the
pronEs Of the rakss would ketch In
their Tong" skirts.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-12-18

We heard an organist from the
city play the "Dyin' Poet" on the
new horned organ In the Baptist
Church. an It was q pipe dream,
say We.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-12-18

The town was all excited Thur
day week over . rumor that the
Mayor was bsin' framed. but II
turned out to be nuthin' more'n the
fact that his wife was havin' his
portrait framed for Christmas
present for him. Tempest In .
teapot, say We.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-12-18

Jenny Green, mp Railroad avenue
way. has had her hair bodied. Sort
Of havin' her csffurs demi-tasse,
say Wa
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-12-18

also Increases the production Of nerve fort,
through the medium Of the blood. II you are
weak. nervous. OF run down. no matter what
other things you have tried without success,
you certainly owe Il to yourseh to try NuD-
ated Iron. Il Will produce definite and 80
prisins results In two weeks tine - ~
manufacturers Will rsfu,< ys~ nsaV. ~
~ all drussiSea-
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-12-18

Do political bodies. like humans,
refurbish themselves every seven
yearsf Maybe they do. but they
don't seem to throw of their old
skins, say We.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-12-18

Wen. now that Thankssivin's
over the town u celebratin' Old
Hash Week.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-12-18

Our local coal dealers don't allow
no credit, but still they stick . lot
Of people on tho slate.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-12-18

The nervous business man feels In p
hurry. He eats quickly. talks rapidly. an
he has a chance for rest he 6dEets. I
women often become highly emotional I
fer awful tortures from spells Of . u
vitalixing weakness.
Unless you have plenty q new 70
cannot hope to compete With the
magnetic, forceful fellows who d.
radiate power and magnetism Wsek
In their every moveand thought. P.~ n
Many q man has failed In
business simply through bad Bad Jud
Judgment caused by exhausted
nerve force. For centuries SCI
ence searched for q nerve force =
food. Atlast q celebrated French -
physician brought to the Atten- -
ton Of the Paris Academy Of y Wh
Medicine remarkable product "
which contained the principal -
chemical constituent Of active living
nerve force. In . form which most
closely resembles that In the brain
and nerve cells Of man. This wond-
srfui product was later combined
with Organic Iron under the name OF
'Nuxnted Iron" % that today true
huron nerve force ready to b
tnpsformed Into active living nerve
a. A. L.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-12-18

Z you believe you have been IN
" bed only I'VE minutes when
4 the wife yeIls: Beat It
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-12-18

Ossvrtss, w s.as Ossaa DsttaiA aisa Asa~sA
The Bridgeport times and evening farmer., 1921-08-29

York; Clarence E. Carter, assistant engineer, Metca1f & Eddy, Boston; :; Walter F. Abbott, superintendent of Water Works, Bath, Me
 Engineering topics to be discussed during the sessions will be "A De- scription of the Water Works of the Bridgeport Hydraulic Company" Standard Specifications for Water works;" Control of Water Waste by House to House Inspection;" ''The Ch1orination of New England Water Supplies;'' t'The Typhoid Fever Epi- denic at Salem, o." Can High Valve Water Shed Lands Be Put to Profitable Use?' 'tAn Appraisal of the Quality of Water Supplies in Massa- chusetts;" 'eThe Pollution of Streams Efecting Industrial Uses,' and ''The Repairs to the Standpipe at Bath, Me"
 The honorary reception committee is headed by Mayor Clifford B. Will son, President D. Fairchild Wheeler, of the Chamber of Commerce.; Presi- dent John Collier, of the Manufae- turers' Association; AIpheus Winter, business manager of Manufacturers Association; Secretary Seward B. Price of the Chamber of Commerce; 1; Editor George W. Waldo, of the Post; Editor Lynn w. Wilson, of The Times; President Edmund s. Wolfe. of the Rotary Club, and President John J. Fisher of the Kiwanis Club.
The Bridgeport times and evening farmer., 1921-08-29
w D D Re0d co
 (sks6fcske<Y sxSS/

entertainment of the families of dele gates An informal reception ana dance in The Stratf1efd, card parueS, a musicale at the Brooklawn Country club, automobile tours into the sur rounding country and along Long Island Sound, and picnic, athletic field day and shore dinner at The Farm, are on the entertainment pro- gram:
 Listed among the prominent speak CTS for the occasions are Samuel F. Senior, president of the Bridgeport Hydraulic Co.,; William R. Conard, inspecting engineer, Burlington, N- J.: H. S. Arnold, of the International Nickel Co.,. New York; Reeves J. Newsom. Commissioner of Water works, Lynn, Mass; Samuel E. Kill lam. superintendent Metropolitan Water Works. Boston; Gordon z. smith. chief inspector, Bridgeport Hydrau1ic Co.,; J. W. Ledoux, con sulting engineer, Philadelphia; c. w. Marsh, consulting engineer, New York City; w. H. Dittoe. chief en- gineer, Ohio State Board of Health; Harrison P. Eddy, consulting en- eyineer, Boston; Allen Hazen, consult- ing engineer, New York City; George c. Whfpp1e. professor of Sanitary Engineering, Harvard University; J. Fred erick Jackson, director of divi- sion of Sanitary Engineering, New