The Birmingham age-herald., 1921-07-17
PICKING BEST MAN AS REPRESENTATIVE AT B|G CONFERENCE
BenchIey Handles Situation In Humorous Vein, Sug- gesting Examinations
 and Contests
By ROBERT c. BENCHLEY
 Associate Editor of Life cfaI CorrasnOndeuf tn The ACe- Fl


 Copyright. 1891. by The Age-Heraid
 New York. July 1e.-(Special)-| Now that the invitations are out for President Harding's disarmament conference. the only question remain ing is that of the Identity of the lucky boys who are to have their ex- penses paid as delegates.
 As there seems to be some little feeling about Lloyd Georges ap pointing himself as the brother rep resenting the British chapter, and as in every participating country there is sure to be more or less hard feel ing of the appointments es arbitrary, 1t would be only fair to hold an eX- animation among the candidates for delegates, much as college glee clubs hold trials to see which members shall be taken on the trip to St Louis.
 A call for contestants might be is- sued in London late in the summer let us say, setting aside the Queens club athletic field as the foregather- ing place. Candidates should bring their own morning coats, silk hats and speakers. The government will furnish everything else.
 Chief Obstacles
 As the chief obstacles placed in the way of diplomats visiting in America are the banquet and other forms of official entertainment, it should be absolutely necessary that delegates have great dietary endur- ance. statesman with dyspepsia, no matter what his other qualifica- tions might be, wouldn't last round in this country. The first try-out therefore, should consist of eating 14 special-priced dinners In success sion leach menu to include puree fnongol, halibut maitre d'hotel bone less squab chicken, honne femme, sa- sale vauvaise femme, biscuit tortoni cigars and coffee.) During each of these banquets, the contestant will be required to carry on running conversation with the chairman of the entertainment committed on his left and the mayor on his right, neither of whom speaks the language of the guest of honor.
 Following this heat, time trials will be held to test the wind of those who aspire to be shown points of in- terest in America. In this event contestants will be hauled about, in and out of autos from place to place, will be made to lay corner stones, make three minute speeches, plant trees and kiss little schoolgirls.
 Special Matinees
 As it is quite probable that most of the colleges will put on special matinees for the awarding of honor ary degrees to our distinguished guests, they might well be versed in walking across the campus in doc tors robes chatting with the dean without tripping up. They should also learn a simple courtesy to make immediately after the award or the degree.
 Those candidates who are left in the field at the conclusion of these time trials will then proceed to the examination of their fitness to attend a diplomatic conference on the ques- tion of limiting armaments. Here is where they will need the sneakers that they have brought,
 The first event will be in long-dis- tance hedging. The candidate Will be seated at table and repaired to agree to 10 different propositions in such a manner that he cannot really be held to any agreement at all IT, on any one of the propositions he is actually found committing himself he will be thrown out immediately.
 Newspaper Reporter
 The newspaper reporter test will come next. The contestant will be surrounded by 25 or 30 people rep resenting American reporters locked in a room with no back door and will be obliged to answer their questions without giving them any informa- tion He will be expected to keep genial during the interview, and to call the newspaper men boys talking at great length on each ques- ton in such manner that they will be able to write only short para graph when they get back to their papers. When asked what he thinks of prohibition, contestant must be able to affect an amused expression, and shrug his shoulders.
 And finally he must be able to stand in front of movie camera and pose for the news pictorials. taking off and putting on his hat glancing coyly to one side as if some one were calling to him. shaking hands with secret service man whom he has never seen before, and patting 'Taddie Boy"
 And the man who can pass all these tests deserves to be allowed to stay at home.