South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-04-28
The Hand That Rules The World

Many Of our great men. said I
+ (apropos OF many things). have de-
ciared that they owe their success
+ 20 the aid and encouragement OF
some brilliant woman"
IT know" said Jen Peters i've
read in history and mythology about
Joan Of Arc and Mime Yale and
Mrs. Claude and Eve and other
noted females Of the past But, in
+ my opinion. the woman Of today is
Of little use in politics or business.
7 what's she best in. anyway ?-men
make the best cooks miTiners.
nurses hOusekeepers. stenOgrap pliers.
clerks hairdressers and launderers
About the only job left that a wom-
an can beat a man ia is female i'm
. personator in vaudeville
II would have thought" said I.
that occasionally, anyhow. you
would have found the wit and intui-
ton OF woman valuable TO YOU in
your lines oF-er- business"
Now wouldn't you" said JEFF.
with an emphatic wouldn't
YOU have lima gined that But a
woman Is an absolutely unreliable
partner in any straight swindle. She's
liable 10 turn honest on you when
YOU are depending upon her the
most. 1 tried EN- once"
bill Humble. an old friend Of
mine in the Territories. conceived
! the illusion that ne wanted to be ap-
pointed United States Marshal At
I that time me and Andy was doing A
square. legitimate business Of sell
/ ing walking canes. If YOU un-
screwed the head of one and turned
I it up 20 your mouth a half pint of
\ good rye whisky would go trickling
down your throat TO reward you for
your act OF intelligence. The dep
uties was annoying me and Andy
some. and when Bill spoke to me
about his onicious aspirations I saw
/ how the appointment as Marshal
might help along the firm Of Peters
+ & Tucker.
JEFF. saws Bill to me. you are
a man OF learning and education,
/ besides having knowledge and infor-
.
\ ments but facts and attainments."
/ I do. says I, and 1 have never
I regretted IT, ] am not one, says I.
/ who would cheaper education by
making IL free. Tell me, says I,
which is Of the most value to man
I kind. literature or horse racing?'
'Why-er-. playing the POI
mean. OF course. the poets and the
great writer's have got the call, of
I course says Bill.
" Exactly says l. Then why 90
the master minds Of finance and
philanthropy, says I, charge us 81
to get into n race track and let us
into a library free? Is that distill-
ing into the masses. says !. a cor
rect estimate of the relative value
Of the two means Of self-culture and
disorder"
You are arguing outside OF my
faculties Of sense and rhetoric says
/ Bill What I wanted you TO 10 is
TO go to washington and dig out
I this appointment for me- I haven't
no ideas Of cultivation and intrigue
f. I'm a plain citizen and I need the
/ job. I've killed seven men,. says
Z Bill I've got nine children; I've
| been a good republican ever since
/ the first OF May; I can't read or
write. and I see no reason why /
amt illegible for the office. And I
| think your partner, Mr.. Tucker,
goes on Bill. is also a man OF suffi-
Client ingratiation and connected ID
I assist YOU in securing the appoint
/ ment. I will give you preliminary,
\ says Bill 81 600 for drinks, brides
\ and carfare in Washington II you
land the job I viii pay you $1,000
| more. cash down, and guarantee you
/ impunity in bootlegging whisky for
/ 1 2 months Are you patriotic to the
west enough 20 help me put this
/ thing through the whitewashed Wig
wan Of the Great Father Of the most
eastern flag station Of the Pennsyl-
vania railroad?' says Bill
'WeH, 1 talked to Andy about 1t.
and he liked the idea immense. Andy
was a man of an involved nature. as
1 was. selling to the peasantry some
/ little tool like a combination steak
beaten. shoe horn. marcel waver.
monkey wrench. nail file. potato
masher and Multum in Parvo tun-
ing fork. Andy had the artistic
temper which IS not TO be Judged
as a preachers or a moral mans is
by purely commercial reflections.
So we accepted Bills offer. and
striks out for washington.
Says l 10 Andy. when we get To-
Gated at hotel on South Dakota
av.. G. s 8. W. Now Andy. for the
/ first time in our lives we've got TO
do a real dishonest act Lobbying
/ is something we've never been used
\ to: but we've got to scandaIize our
/ selves for Bill Humble's sake. In a
/ straight and legitimate business
says ], we could afford to introduce
a little foul play and chicanery. but
+ in a disorderly and heinous piece OF
I malpractice like this IL seems to me