The Belding banner-news., 1921-11-16

Money is tight these days. In !
fact it is the only thing that has
been tight since Mr.. Volstead ran
out of original ideas and drafted the
bill that removed "Pink" Kangaroo
lnducer" from the markets of our
gloriously free country.
Now everybody's brewing it. II
the red tape artists at Washington
would stop investigating the price of
chewing gum in Senegamba and
pass law setting tax on yeast
and raisins the government could
give every soldier 500 bonus with
suburban home and Ford thrown
in.
There are always two discoveries
that the recipe hound makes. He
finds out a new way to make the
stuff and he finds out that it is no
good after he has made it.
Calendars are in great demand
this year. More date dictionaries
have been hung this year than have
been since Hector was an infant can
inc. But they have all been hung in
the cellar.
Many a man has lost his reason
and his liberty trying to figure out
when his homemade Hamweiser
would be ready for uncorking. A
fellow has got to know as much
about figures as Mr.. Zeigfeld does
to get the right answer and then he
has as much chance of getting it |
straight as Constance Talmadge has
of being Irish. About the easiest
way yet devised was sent to home
brew chaser friend of mine by an
enemy in Cuba.
You take the number of raisins |
you have used in your decoct on and |
divide by the percentage of the milk |
of the wild cow that you hope for; |
multiply the total by half the num- |
Der of dill pickle warts that you can
get into quart jar three quarters |
full of moist water. subtract the |
number of hops a kangaroo can take
in 2 3-8 minutes and add the date |
upon which the dope was bottled. BY |
the time you have finished these cal
culations the stuff will be ready to
be opened and poured into the sink.
Liquor is the Intoxicating question
of the cay. The man who has a
quart of It is rated in Duns & Brad
streets as AA; if he has pint he
locks It in his safe every evening and
then lies awake all night trying not
to forget the combination.
Sociability among the members
Of the masculine persuasion is on the
decline. There really is nothing
about an ice cream soda that makes
you want to try the other fellows
hat on.
We recently visited small town
on the Soon-line. Among the things
that impressed US was the restau-
rant service. The meal consisted of
one kind Of each variety of hunger
stilling commodity-except the coffee
which might be had either rare or
we'll done. As the meal progressed
the bumox waitress fixed US with her
eye and sternly demanded, "Pie?"
'Is it compulsory we queried
sweetly. And then came the JOLT
"No. it's raspberry she said.
And the business men in that
town! When anyone of them closed
hand on a dollar you could see ]
their lips form the words Till death
do us part" Every one of them |
would squeeze a plunk so hard that
when they opened their hands they |
had to pick the arrows out of their
fingers.
These merchants always paid their
bills in cash to save the ink that the |
writing of check would require.
One of the men was called Near
ly" because he was so close. He was
crooked besides being straight. He
was so crooked that he had to hand |
cuff his hands to the respective sides |
of his belt to keep his left hand out |
of his righthand pocket and vice
versa. When he went to bed at night |
he locked his trousers and watch in |
the safe. Then he would lie awake |
all night trying to forget the COM
bination.
And dead! An old timer was tell
ing about the town. He remarked
during his conversation that when |
the town was started people predict
ed it would be dead in less than five |
years. "Now", he said proudly, "the
town has passed its seventh birth
day." That's all right. We re-
marked, "This town has been dead
two years and doesn's know it yet.