davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The New York herald., 1921-05-01
Our Own Book Review.

GULLIVERS TRAVELS. BY Jonathan Swift,
Dublin. Sedgewck & Johnson, Ltd, Lon
don.
T HIS book may do no particular harm
if its circulation be confined to those
of maturer years and ripened 1udg
ment When placed in the hands OF children
il becomes a menace.
: The central thought OF the book is de-.
cidedly einsteinish in character. The pur-
ported author Capt. Lemuel Guliver. says=
Nothing is great or little otherwise than
by comparison" This aluson to the theory
of relativity he attempts to prove by making
a voyage to the Island of Llliput where he
discovers the inhabitants to be about six
inches tall, and later 10 Brobdngnag, where
the inhabitants are about sixty feet tall.
In candor it must be stated that he fails
entirely to put his idea across mainly be-
cause the book fails to impress the reader
with sense Of accuracy To be plain about
it. we believe Jonathan Swift was pre-
varicator even though he did hold the title
Of dean Of st. Patrick's in Dublin.
1t is this lack of truth in the book which
makes it dangerous for the uniformed mind.
All of the reformers tell us that boys who
read stories of bandits Immediately decide
70 become bank robbers, those who witness
. killing at the movies are headed for the
electric chair those who read chewing gum
advertisements will become tobacco chewers,
while whiff of near beer will send any
normal child to a drupkard's grave with
tobacco heart q side defect Ah me, yes
'Tis education forms the common mind
Just as the twis Is bent the trees inclined.
The way to produce a real strong, healthy
race is to prevent all the children from
learning to read and write (Which would at
once stop the publishing Of books intended
TO debauch them) and 10 keep them blind
folded until they reach the age Of Is (Which
would prevent them from seeing things
which cause their destruction).
Well, this is the reason why "Gulliver's
Travels" becomes dangerous book in the
hands Of the young The entire volume is
teeming with untruths Any child who reads
il will undoubtedly make up his mind al
once 70 become some character that Is wild
and desperate like a seafaring man. a play
wright q movie director or possibly writer.
Vice Is monster Of SO frightful mlen
As to be hated needs hut to be seen:
But seen too often and familiar with her face
We first endure then pity. then embrace
The New York herald., 1921-05-01
y OF SINGING STIRS DANTO SOME "REMINISCENCES

laughter and love. and gentleness, ana song
Can 1t be they think when they. have sue
ceeded in turning our prayers TO curses, our
laughter to tears our love 10 hatred our
gentleness to bitterness and our songs ~
discords that they will have reformed the
world?
1t is time for somebody to erect STOP
LOOK AND LISTEN" sign in front Of the
reformers, and, personally. if we were q pro-
fessonal reformer we would stop and do
most of our looking and our listening in the
direction of the willy young chaps ho<take
positions as secretaries and as publicity
agents at our expense, and who kept us fed
up on the evils of the present social struc-
ture.
That is the only motive We can think Of
1t must be that somebody Is making money
or the thing would not continue
The New York herald., 1921-05-01

piled that the ignorance of the visitor utterly
astounded him.
"And what are these three kinds of pie?"
he would be asked
open, cross barred and kvered," would
be the answer.
Sometimes they would argue and many
have given Sam a liberal education on pies
which he would receive with open mouth
wonderment, and then promptly forget when
the next visitor came in. They all stood
for it and the tips came rolling in.
Well, anyway, we asked Sam one night
what had become of the parrot
1T wuz like dis Sam told us. "Yo' see
de parrot cage wuz right over de place whar
Mister Branch sliced de ham, and it got so
dat parrot couldn't say nothin 'cept Arthur
cut de ham thin and it sounded fur de
The New York herald., 1921-05-01
Bright Beams From Busting Broadway

were 10 change trains at Bowling Green
would be thrown off a car by kindly guard
and would promptly sag into slumber on d
bench. As the drunks piled up a couple OF
lush workers would sit down beside them
and pursue their calling while the fnebri-
ated person usually thought they we're doing
him q good turn by helping him to hold III
his heavy head.
II was not prohibition that broke up these
midnight parties II was the dodge of the
detectives in hiding in the motionless shuttle
train to South Ferry opposite disguised a.
trainmen. and then, when they saw dip
putting money into circulation again stroll
ing across via the tunnel and catching the
crooks before they had a chance to worry II
another victim were coming along. So now
this station is pure as the subway can
possibly be- and men had better beware
when they try their customary nefarous
trick OF seeing II there isn't . loose piece OF
gum in the slot machines.
70 DONNELLY, actor, was standing
IN the lobby Of his hotel tho other
- day when 4 man came up to him
with mat On his chin that needed only the
"welcome' sign. Despite the hirsute under
growth Donnely recognized him as . movie
camera operator he had known. 50 he WASH,
surprised when the man accosted him, but
he was taken ahack when the acquaintance
requested the actor 10 lend him safety
razor
Sure" said Donnelly, and took him up 70
his room and handed him D spare safety
razor though anticipating its return in
very maltreated condition. Next the man
suggested that ne could use = shirt without
injury 10 himself Donncly donated ono.
How about n collar?" III inquired sar-
casticaly
"Yes-1 could use that too" Donnelly
hung one around his neck.
Anything else that strikes your fancy?"
"wen. yes That's 4 nice tie you've got
there
the plot?"
"Wcn YOU sce" said the man, rive been
locked out IF my room for nonpaymont of
rent ana couldn't get my thinFs And as
I'm to be married tomorrow. I wanted 70 oc
all pointed up for the wedding"
LITTLE while ago ono Of the big de-
~ partment stores discharged an crrand
Z \ boy who threatened, II ho were
allowed 70 20 unchecked in bis meteoric
lila toward \ merchant prince, 70 put bie
dent II thc stores trade not force thcm
ont II business liz was undcrsotng theo,
~ their own employees IL had established
4 store within the store IN several disuscd
shelves. ana was selling = wide variety ot
article picked IN around tho shop 70 his
follow workers an i big trade discount
Trade became quite brick ana the young
man 10 longer had much time to attend e
his own duties while competing with his en-
ployers under their very nose. His custom
became so large that the store decided 70
take advantage Of Il themselves, and so In re-
ward for his enterprise tho youth wa
escorted into the great beyond
The New York herald., 1921-05-01
BY FRANK VREELAND.


are beginning to suffer the ravages
of the cldque, hitherto considered
European affliction. Statisticians have yet
10 compute how many patrons squirm on
an average at every first night performance
when some important nobody sldps onto
the stage and his coterie of friends. who
wear evening dress as though they were
one degree removed from walters, clap so
hard they shake the dust off the scenery
And all because his name happens to be in
2 little larger type than that of the scene
painter for THE Girl With the Wandering
Eye"
Usually this eruption of enthusiasm is 50
long that IL takes up nearly a whole act in
itself. This generally makes the majority Of
the audience sore on that particular player
and inclined to shudder at the mere mention
of his name. So he has to work twice as
hard TO overcome the acclaim of his friends
and redeem himself in the eyes of the world
for being hailed as the greatest little ball
of fire ever.
Now 1t develops that some opera stars not
only have their own cTdque but actually
carry troupe OF hired hand performers
around with them like tame menagerie.
An instance Of this came to light at a re-
at
Theatre. when 2 diUd who was to sing for
charity appeared with a dozen persons in
tow who were to perform for her benefit.
When the doorkeeper held up this royal
cHtourdoc the prima donna had to explain to
the house manager that they ought 70 be
allowed in. as they constituted her own pri-
vate thunder machine
The performance meant nothing in her
professional life. AS she was singing without
.E4" YF.4ssw
ariiy greeted As cordially as a new Governor
the first week or 40 after he has taken or
flee. But the singer had been unable to
resist The temptation to make 1t a dead GER
tainty that the mere lift of her eyebrows
would receive the reward of genius.
~ OOTLDGGING IL coming to be quite an
* honored profession among the the
- atricai folk-it may be said Of some
Of them that Il forms their only extra cur
riculum activity. And they are more lum-
nous as moonshiners than as stars 4 num-
Der OF prominent actors on tour in common
with q number of wealthy men who travel
frequently, have their own private alcoholic
ambassador and first aid expert. II Is the
solemn duty OF this hootch hound whenever
Tho hard stuff to its lair. Immediately after
the hootch hound has flushed a covey Of
booze the star Is heard to smack his lips,
and presently Is singing.
Il subordinate male member Of tho cast
r. generally chosen. VINO can fit toward
booze with the sure instinct Of homing
pigeon II has been found advisable to
make sure that he is a good actor as we'll
as 4 vrtuoso Of the vine \ leading black
face comedian is bewainR the loss Of his
special deputy collector for each port they
entered because fora man with such talents
for carrying booze he was an awtuy poor
The New York herald., 1921-05-01
BY DAN CAREY.

- HEY took us to a concert the other
night. To be perfectly frank, we
We're deceived as to the character of
the entertainment. They said it would be
a recital Now our idea of a recital is to
have somebody recite something. Back
home when you go to a recital you can rea-
sonably expect to hear "Spartacus to the
Gladiators' Henry of Navarro" The. I'M
peachment of Warren Hastings" and things
of that kind. If it is absolutely a first class
entertainment it will conclude with the ap-
pearance of fat boy and a thin boy in
the quarrel scene between Brutus and
Cassius.
But the lady who appeared the other
night didn't recite at all. She sang She
used music which we had never heard of
before and sang in a foreign language
which we did not understand. We applauded
vigorously at the right time, however and
so aptly applied our drawing room vocabu-
larry. including exquisite" with the accent
on the antepenult). Charming" (Which is
said with a little shake of the head as YOU
look at the ceiling) and beautiful" 1--WE
eXhale strongly on the "u'' when we wish
to be impressve), that we were readily es-
tablished as a lover of music and an adj
mirer of the lady which was of much
greater Importance
The New York herald., 1921-05-01

A DETECTIVE sergeant prominent in
~ the Police Department who has
played conspicuous part in solv-
ing several murders is not adept at de-
tecting and curbing his own impulses. He
is fond Of playing practical jokes on his ac-
quaintances and, like most practical jolxers
he is very touchy about having them played
on him, for then such pranks become almost
as heinous in his sight as obstructing an
officer in the performance Of his duty.
One day at the Criminal Courts Building
the detective played his favorite trick on an
acquaintance lifting a gold watch from his
pocket with the tactful finesse Of a regular
dip. The friend discovered his loss, pat
tered about frantically and perspred freely
But that did no good until the detective
decided he'd been funny enough and re-
turned the watch filling up on laughs as
his friend restrained himself from bursting
a bloodvessel
The friend swore to be revenged and
few moments later succeeded in extractine
from the sleuths pocket important papers
necessary TO convince the court In a pend
ing case that he had been on the job and
got the goods on the defendant On taking
the witness stand tho detective discovered
his loss and II was then his turn to per-
spire, which he did promptly and copiously
After he had searched fevershly about the
corridors and almost lost the power Of
speech the friend presented the papers to
him. together with little hand fooled hom-
Iiy on practical Joking, its cause and cure.
Tho newspaper men got hold of the story
and printed IT, and for time the detective
wanted to call out the militia against them
Then he invited out 10 lunch a reporter who
was n particular crony OF his-for lunches
can sometimes be- vital part Of detec-
tve's career. Halfway through the meal
the sleuth mentioned with the restrained
calm Of a volcano that he would like ~ spoil
the present and future Of the guy that first
planted him In that story.
II did" said the reporter. without oven
missing a stroke as he ate. The detective
jumped up and pounded the table, proce-
dure for which he had the precedent Of nu-
merous historical crises.
"what, you dld?" he beloved 'You--"
Then. unable 70 make the English language
do his bidding he buzzed out of the restau-
rant like n hornet
And the reporter, instead of nc Police
Department had To pay for tho luncheon.
THE Bowling Green station of the sub
way is no longer tho Promised Land,
where pickpockets used to find milk
and honey or It's equivalent IN the pockets
OF wayfarers IT was wont notice the
literary stye--to he a regular gold pocket
for that species of the light fingered breed
known MS "lush workers. who would ply
their trade on gentlemen lush with liquor.
They would reap a harvest In tho early
hours Of the morning, when the drunks who
The New York herald., 1921-05-01

DETECTIVE sergeant, prominent ii
the Police Department who ha
PLAYED a Conspicuous part in solv
The New York herald., 1921-05-01
inns Experience Discourages
Hasty Acts of Courtesy

The concert we were talking about took
place over in Brooklyn. 1t was a nice, honey
tbSd Of affair, where most everybody got
acquainted, but we forgot our native cour-
tesy and didn't ask any girls if we could
see them home Jim Farnsworth, the NOV
ing picture man, had just fnished telling
us story that put us on our guard. 1t
seems a friend of his was invited to a party
over in Brooklyn He asked a young lady
if he could have the pleasure of seeing her
home. She a visitor from the South
and he wanted to be nice to her. She read
lily accepted his invitation. When they We're
calling taxicabs he asked her where she
lived.
Il am stopping with my aunt up on 2S0th
street, in New York" she answered.
Cancel that taxi said the man. ",Pns
lady doesn't want "A cab. She needs a berth
in a Pullman car"
Presumably the girls all reached home
after the concert. but we didn't take them
The distances in New York are too appalling
for us. OF course if you look at the matter
in a natural way New York is just like any
other>cty. except that IL is larger. But the
largeness of 1t sometimes overwhelms one
who is not accustomed to il. Here is a story
that illustrates how large places affect those
of us who are accustomed To dwelling i'm the
open. Some time ago a party of us went
up from Atlanta into North Georgia to see
how the trout were running. We made our
permanent base at Walhalla =. c.. which Is
just over the line and from there sought
the open country. Walhalla Is an interest
ing little place. At the time there was not
a three story building in tho town and the
population could not have been over 600.
but they were regular fellows. just like you
viii find all over the United States and
readily told us of the good fishing streams.
one day we went up on the Tugelo River
and about lunch time gimpsed log cabin
through the trees The old fellow who lived
there invited MS to dinner, provided we
would help split wood and wash dishes. and
he treated us royalty. We asked him whore
he was from.
Born right here in this cabin" he said
'and lived here all my life"
We told him about Atlanta and Chicago
and New York and other places which we
thought would interest him.
"Oh, l was to a city once" he said
Did you like it7" we asked
mo" he answered. "It didn't suit me.
went to visit my uncle, but / didn't stay
long. Tho big tall buildings made me
nervous. When / walked on the sidewalk
/ was always looking up to see if brick
or something Wasn't going to fall on my
head and anyhow. the crowds would push
you off the sidewalk | tried walking in the
street but drays and hacks and buggies
were running up and down so / was afraid
7 would get run over And then the noise
Of tho place got on my nerves. It was
frightful IN the day. and In the nighttime
couldn't sleep stayed just two days in
The New York herald., 1921-05-01
"These reformers taking Joy out of
life;

and we do not want to see II Incorporated
in anybody's platform during the next cam
paign. We know it will win and we in
tend to use Il a little later on for our own
benefit
HE world Is progressing nicely. Once
we operated by sun time. Then every
body went to work at sunup and re-
mained az it until dark. They used to tell
q story on Nap Rucker, the Brooklyn
pitcher, who was discovered in Marietta, Ca,
by Alb Powers when he was in charge of
the Atlanta baseball club. They say that
when Alb brought Nap to Atlanta for his
ryout Nap took off his shoes before going
to the pitchers box. He won his game bare
footed, but when he went out for the tenth
inning he found himself alone in tho dia-
mond' Come on, fellows" he called to the
other players.
why, the game is over" one Of them
called back. We've played nine innings"
"Shucks. we always play until dark up m
Marietta answered Nap disgustedly
r T reminds me Of a story that Uncle BuG
Kernodle liked to tell. Uncle Bud was
an institution in Atlanta at the time
when Durands restaurant was as well
known In the South Lookout Mountain.
Uncle Bud said man from north Georgia
got off of an early morning train for break
fast He was going out on the Central Of
Georgia. As hc paid his bill he asked:
Mister how high will the sun bc when
No. gets 70 BarnsvilIe?"
They once had a parrot i'm Durand's res
taurant, but the bird began interfering with
trade, so he was retired. Sam the waiter
told a crowd Of us about 1t one night Ar
thur Branch was in charge OF the restaurant
at night and prepared the sandwiches for
the carly morning trade. Now Sam was ono
OF those humorous. laughing negroes to
whom life Is just one joke after another.
incidentally he knew how TO make 4 little
money out of his humor There was one
saying Of Sam's that never failed to bring
2 liberal tip from Northerners who visited
the restaurant, and undoubtedly many tour
lists have told upon their return homo of the
three kinds Of pie in the South. But they
could tell anything they wanted IL they
gave Sam the money, and he usually got II.
a visitor from the North would come IN and
ask for pie.
Yes, sur. what kind, please, sur? We arc
servin' all three kinds er pie dis mornin'."
Sam would say.
What do you mean. three kinds Of pie?"
tho visitor would ask.
"why, dey amt but three kinds Of pie, /"
sam would reply in tone which clearly i'm
The New York herald., 1921-05-01
Sings for Joy of Singing and
Does 1t Alone and Unaided

As a matter of fact we do love music
but, like every one else, we love our own
'nusc the BEST There is no one who can
produce vocal strains that please us quite
so well as those which come from our own
throat. We do not wish an audience when
we sing. We desire no plaudits. no flowers
no press notices. We sing for the JOY of
singing, alone and unaided Our favorite
concert hall is the bathroom. There in the
early morning hours, to the accompaniment
oil falling water as it gushes from the
shower, we love to burst into song. Then
may be heard the noble notes of Sweet
Marie" floating through the transom. or. if
we are in particularly mellow mood, we
entrance ourself with Marguerite" You
remember the way it starts:
wandered down beside the babbling brook
Where every ripple speaks of thee"
II your lungs are full of air and you are
fully prepared for the event you can hold
thee until the sound just naturally dies
from old age.
Then another favorite song of ours is
Miserere" from I'll Trovatore" We heard
Caruso and Frances Aida sing this once
and we wish they could hear us. because
we could give them some points about the
song that they do not know at ALL 1t
doesn't take two persons to sing this song
Now when we sing it we are first Leonore
and then we are Caruso. We answer our
self. The first thing necessary for this
song is to select location. A grassy mound
at the side of creek does very well on a
hot day. That young fellow that Gray
wrote about in his Eegy had the right idea
His listless length at noontide would he
stretch" He was in the proper frame of
mind. Then, with your hat over your face
Just begin to sing. Any words you don't
remember become Immediately dun de
dunn dunn and they fit in nicely if you
just imagine they are Italian
The New York herald., 1921-05-01

day and exchanging ideas, every one is say
ing did you see what Don Marquis said
about" or Chris Morley pulled one to-
day that was a bird,' or Listen what Roy
Moulton says about And so on it goes
day after day and week after week until the
people have come to rely entirely upon what
these columnsts say instead of allowing their
minds to be free and open to accept the
ideas that flow in to US.
Why. we have gotten into the same frame
of mind and spend our hard earned money
every day buying the papers, not for the
purpose Of digesting the news. but to see
what the columnists have written. IL is
positively humiliating, and the worst of 1t
is that these fellows believe they are print
ing their own thoughts and never think of
giving credit TO the newspaper men Of Mars
and Venus and Neptune and Uranus whose
mighty brains have sent telepathic messages
through the ether to the earth.
OF course we know that Dr. Doyle win
insist that it is the fairies who are supply
inc these thoughts to the columnists. but he
cannot prove his theory any more than we
can prove ours.
30 they arc putting this old daylight
saving thing over on MS again. It's
~ all wrong The politicians have just
reversed what the people really want, as
they so often do what we want Is night
time saving more time for sleeping, less
daylight and less work. Since they have
found II possible to move the hands Of the
clock back and forth at will and make any
kind of day they want, we suggest the
following schedule as one that would he
intensely popular with the people.
AN.
9:00-Daybreak.
9:30-wife nudges husband and tells
him to get up.
g:3t-He goes TO sleep again.
9:40-wifa wakes him up again.
9:41-He begins his final forty winks.
9:5O-wife wakes him up again.
1G.00-He arises.
0:30--Breakfast.
IL 3O-Reports for work
PM.
1.00-Lunch.
2:00-Reports for duty
3:30-Boss comes In merriy and says
Lets call 1t a day"
400-"The curfew tolls the kuel of
parting day;
The lowing herd winds slowly
DER the lea;
The ploughman homeward plods
his weary way,
And leaves tho world to dark
ness and to me-
Now that we have developed this new
schedule for n day OF work. we want 10
put the politicians on notice that II Is ours
The New York herald., 1921-05-01

y o they going to take away our
cigarettes and cigars. All right but
- let them beware We will find a
substitute. We learned the vicious habit
on rabbit tobacco corn silk and mullen
leaves and if necessary we will return to
them. Rattan isn't bad either. When you
smoke rattan you can blow your smoke
through a handkerchief to show the other
boys how much nicotine II has in it and it
will always leave yellow spot, one drop of
which means instant death 70 man or beast,
and if you don't believe it try it on the
cat
They must have a motive in taking the
JOY out of life, but what Is il? Surely these
deep students ought to know that the only
things worth while in life are prayer, and