davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-02-08
ON ACQUIRING RELATIVES.
Nv i - NcEXOX


Everyone il born with a flock of
relatives carclessly assorted as TO
age and sex. Later he or she usual
ly acquires more by marriage. Both
OF these methods, although sane
toned by time and custom, are un-
reliable and unsatisfactory. Most OF
the relatives VINO come TO one by
birthright are not as spiffy as they
might DC. You always have a feel
ing that If you could have your way
YOU would remodel Uncle George.
You would move his cars back
triflc. Straightcn out his nose. give
him little more wheel base and in
crease his road clearance somewhat.
Aunt Emma could stand some re-
construction also. She bGlgCS in n
number OF unexpected places and
her voice sounds like a buzz saw
going through a pine knot. Take
the nieces and nephews and the
cousins. That's what I said-Take
thcm.
As for the uncles. say. YOU acquire
by marriage, they are Better men
than you are Gunga Dim, to hear
your wife tell ii, but you can't
IN justice TO yourself allow your in
fatuauon for her TO blind your bet
ter judgment You know they are
pretty poor fish. They know you
are a glass crash There is a Sus-
piciOn all around that you are both
right The other relatives in-law
are always a source Of amazelnent
TO YOU You can't conceive how
such ordinary. commonplace gOofs
ever met an angel like your wife.
let alone get themselves related 10
her.
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-02-08
Ignorant Essays
BY J. P. McEVOY

But I have a scheme for acquir-
ing relatives that entails none of the
risks Of the two methods above. It's
a new idea. l thought of ii all my
self. in spite of the 18th amendmen
and the Nolstead act. I've stopped
acquiring relatives by birth, and i
can't marry any more as my wife
doesn't believe in it-fOr me-sO
now. II 7 want any new relatives /
adopt them That's it-adOptiOn.
Let us see how it works. Ny name
is Wilson. say Very well. 1 first
adopt Pres't Wilson for a cousin.
He doesn't know anything about it..
There is To- reason why he should.
whenever I'm introduced and they
say Wilson? You aren't related to
Pres't Wilson are you - and / say
"Sure-hes a cousin Immediately
my stock goes up IA points. I also
go through Who's Who" and read
Up on all the Wilson's. If there are
any more l fancy, j adopt them. too.
This is a pretty pastime and while
IL doesn't necessarily take you out
into the open air. it IS one Of the
few privileges left under the consti-
tuition as amended.
Is your name Smith? Adopt Capt.
John smith "a great great uncle.
Adopt the well known Smith Bros.
Trade" and Mark" Take i'm Adam
Smith, the great authority on eco
nOmics-Go through the city direc-
tory-you1l find a few more there.
In short. do not acquire relatives any
more by the old-fashiOned. risky
unsatisfactory methods of birth and
marriage. Adopt 'em. You can
nick and choose. The whole wide
world Is before YOU.
Copyright 1929
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-02-08
More Truth
Than Poetry
By JAMES J. MONTAGUE
CIoTuFs An THE CROOK.

CLOTHES AND THE CROOK.
What happened when the warden
OF sing sing abolished silk shirts and
fancy socks among the inmates.
Though Bcrtram the Burglar has al
ways maintained
High place in the criminal ranks
His manifold laurels have never been
gained
BY plundering national banks.
Let others crack cribs" he would
frequently say.
With a subtle superior smile.
MY aim is 20 shine. when they send
me away,
A. the form. mold and pattern OF
style"
So Ber;ram was never sent up for a
haul
In the vaults with the seven-ton
doors;
They got the young man. when they
got him at all
For robbing gents furnishing
stores
Where. flashlight in hand. many
hours he spent
In choosing silk shirts OF his size.
And waistcoats that softly in har-
mOUy bleEt
With radiant ravishng ties.
And when he was seized 10y the hand
Of the law.
Anu locked behind iron barred
gates.
The clothes that he wore were the
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-02-08
FEBRUARY 8. 1921
ADVICE TO WIVES.

Mother your husband if he deserves that treat
ment. but treat him rough" if the symLtom show
that he's merely nagger. is piece OF advice that
Prof Gault of Northwestern university gives in
lecture household management Many wives and
many husbands. will follow Prof Gault with inter-
Fe sagely says that the bottom of mans
idiosyncrasles there may be a case of indigestion.
in that situation the professor opnes that it is thu
wife's homely loving duty TO put on her kitchen
apron and her cheeriest smile, tune up the oil
kitchen range and give the spouse something help
ful out Of the cook book.
But the ordinary mean, devilish. nagging hus-
band should be handled quickly and thoroughly"
the professor asserts Smooth out the wrinkles
~ his disposition with a rolling pin
That sounds II the professor would get a rise
out Of his audience all right. But isn't there a
question about the practical application of such
rule?
Hasn't the idea of the wisdom OF corporal pun
ishment gone out Of the curriculum of home life?
Many believe that the little daily troubles that
may arise In the home may be more easily smooth
ed by the practice OF the give and take spirit
on the parts of all concerned.
But, Prof. Gaut says there times when
heaps" can be accomplished by a wife by little
discreet "rnothering' of husband Husbands are but
boys grown up.
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-02-08
Other Editors Than Ours
THE DAWES POINT OF VIEW.
Qndianapolis NrwsD


In his testimony Mr. Dawes takes the view. which
that Americas part i'm the war. both in lighting and
management was spleudidly played. and that the
record in spite OF mistakes is of which the
ton should proud. Yesterday Mr.. Dawes said:
I'VE did more i'm organization than the
British French. desI tie unpreparedness.
But the is ended now. and persons would
rather see a movie comedian than talk about
hyspeck mistakes unless scandal is % be dug
mp. The people tired OF fault-nndug.
Bat YOU members of congress listen to every
vhippershappInE bureau chief who
Ming 20 YOU with tale Of woe Long after
this committee is forgotten the winning OF the
achievement There ia no attempting to
make a mour in OF "a damn little mole hill"
10 IS true that whatever interest there ia these
investigations has long since died out Already the
war s beginning take its place in history. and
the verdict OF history is now In process OF making.
That IL win bo favorable and most hatteving.
can no longer doubt. Mr.. Dawes is. every
knows. republican and. therefore. there is moth
ing partisan HE testimony. He speaks simply
an American and one who himself contributed
greatly To- the winning of war Also we believe
he speaks for America Criticism OF fair and con-
structive kind IS always i'm order. and this
% may the nation from mistakes Ban the future
But there certainly has been Dawes says. a great
Zeal TOO much fault-hnding- The time has
end H. and 20 think with pride OF the great work
done by the American army government and peo-
pIe--for it great work
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-02-08
THE MADISON STREET sCHoo.

/ love TO watch the youngsters as
they ramble at recess
When their minds are filled with
frolic and their hearts with
happiness.
For they bump and jump and jos
tie in an ever-ending game
That can make a man feel happier
than any flush Of fame.
First OF all they march in order
with the teacher at their head
From the classroom to the play
yard,-not q single word is said.
But once they see the sunshine
and feel the balmy breeze
They light up with childish chuck
les and get springy at the knees.
Little Willie jumps on Freddie
Freddie bumps against Elaine
And they holler. You're a sissy
cause you're playing with a jane
Little Freddie takes the challenge,
mid the badgering and jeers
And after whipping Willie, Teach
er boxes both his ears.
Yes [ love TO watch the youngsters
as they ramble at recess
When their minds are filled with
frolic and their hearts with
happiness,
For they bump and jump and jos
tie i'm an ever-ending game
THAT can make a man feel happier
than any flush of fame.
OK.
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-02-08
The Tower of Babel
BY BILL ARMSTRONG

Eugene a. Metz. the popular labor
capitalist. has Just returned from a
convention al Indianapolis. where he
went for the benefit OF his health.
- is expected he will recover.
Mr.. Hagerty Of the New York
Central blames Tom Brandon's con-
tinous demand for tickets to New
York as being responsible for the
paper shortage
THIS POEM Is ABOUT BILL HAYS
AIT When Was a Lad-From Pinafore.i
When Bill was a lad he served q term
A. oulce boy % a political firm.
re printed ballots and counted votes,
Ana busted off the candidates orsreoats.
CHORUS
ne busted on the candidates overcoateS.
he printed ana no counted so carefuIIee
rnat now be is the ruler Of the G. o. =.
MALES
As office boy he got onto the ropes
And the prospects far aroused his hopes
he shook tae hands Of both white anG
And be kissed all the babies with a
rousing smack
CHORUS
he kissed an the babies with q rousing
smack
MALE.
He kissed an the babies so carefuIlee
mat now be Is the ruler Of the e.. .. T.
MALES:
He climbed each round Of the ladder Of
fame
And now NE cheer while be signs his
name:
lie signs commissions with grace and skill
can fir
CHORUS
No iong as there are places that his kin
can iii.
MALES
tie signs commissions so carefuuee
Because be Is the ruler OF the & o. p
CHORUS
lie signs commissions so carefuUee
because he Is the ruler OF the G. q. P
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-02-08
COLOR AND CHARACTER.

Modern psychologists have discovered that ones
preference in color has intimate relation TO his
character. Thus II one is sssertive and violent red
very likely his fsvorlte color Different with white
blue.
Red excitant. The red nae as a symbol was
chosen by chance.
with dash OF blue the violence OF red is nodi-
ned Extremes are not toerable in a mixture OF
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-02-08
wonder and awe

wonder ana awe
OF an of his envious mates.
And visitors always were taken TO
look
At The lad as he sat in his cell,
tn show that a man can succeed as
a crook
And still be an aesthete as well:
Alas for poor Bertain! Alas for the
taste
That clad him in splendid array,
An unfeeliug warden has said in his
haste
That the cons must all wear prison
gray.
No more he resplendentIy shines in
the crowd.
And when he gets out Of the pen,
pen.
g'he heart broken fellow has solemn
~ vowed
That he never viii burgle again.
Copyright, 1920
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-02-08
GEORGE PLATNFR SHOULD At
TEND AND LEARN SOME NEW
ONES

One thousand Hammond men
will pay from so to 500 for soup
and crackers at a Hoover hon
orable guest dinner Thursday
night TO aid the European relief
fund. They have appealed to
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-02-08

Brig. Gen. Charles c. Dawes OF
Chicago TO make an address inter
spersed with CUss words. Judge
X. N. lands has also been invit-
ed and will also be permitted 20
cuss IL desired.
CONSTANCY.
Though liquor soar 10 greater
heights
And though the girls be tickle
Ny faithful pal--the Hill Street car
Still charges but a nickie
\ NEW PICTURE OF TARBABY.
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-02-08
THE PAYING PLAYGROUND.

A city which has devoted considerable time and
money the development of its playground sys-
tenn reports increase of so percent in the num-
Der of children attending in 1920 that of the
previous year. other communities report even larger
gains Because of what organized recreation accom-
plishes. these gains important
The public playground originally intended 10
provide play spot for poor children who had no
recreation ground the street. Today it is well
come adjunct to any locality offering it does a
place where the children of the ncighborhood may
oongregate under trained supervision. and not only
play but learn how play. and how to associate
with their fellows in the spirit of sIort.
There the child is kept of immediate mischief,
and there he gets suggestive ideas for amusement
which will offset many adverse influence There
he learns the rules of The game, and learns to re-
spect the rights others the obligation Of the
strong look out for the weak. He becomes be-
ter citizen present and potential
Considered from this point Of view. increased at
tendance at the Fairgrounds means that investment
in citizenship is paying increasingly large returns
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-02-08

Richard Elbel is opposed to the
bill now before the state legislature
which would give him a salary Of
$1,000 as city park commissioner.
In opposing this bill. Mr.. ElbeI GER
tainly makes himself very decidedly
rs real for sure curiosity as a public
official
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-02-08

washington hotel keepers won't
miss the inauguration crowds. APP
plicants for offices viii keep the
town full till the appointing is all
done.
Getting Run Down.
Tho doughboys in Coblentz are
WONDERING IL AIr. Harding viii wind
up the watch on the Rhine.
Cheerful Thoughts.
If the cost of living keeps falling
at the rate Of eight per cent a
month. in a lictle more than year
our bills viii be AUTOMATICALLY paid
and the butcher and grocer win owe
us money.
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-02-08
WE HOPE HE CHOKFS

Doc Hall, the late manager Of the
Beacon shoe store. writes in from
Atlantic City that he wants to be re-
membered 20 all his little South
Bend playmates.
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-02-08

A paper in Chicago is making a
very persistent search for men and
women who smile. The average
newspaperman is enough to make
an outsider smile his head off
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-02-08

Ambassador Davis says his London job is costing
him three times much his salary. and so about
$4,000 year is coming out of his own pocket No
wonder he is willing TO quit
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-02-08

It's fine business doubt. selling goods to the
Russians-provided they'll guarantee Payment and
live up to their guarantee.
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-02-08
IN WHICH \ WHOLE MOUTHFUL
IL SAID BY AN EDITOR.

(From Chicago American
The average reformer has be-
comes a pest comparable to the
cootie in objectiona bleness and
TO the boil weevil in destructive
ness.
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-02-08
A RAW. SORE THROAT
Eases Quickly When You
AnnlY a Little Musterole.


And Musterole won't blister like
the old-fashioned mustard plaster.
Just spread it on with your fingers
Il penetrates to the sore spot with
gentle tingle, loosens the congestion
and draws out the soreness and pain.
Musterole is a clean, white ONT
ment made with oil of mustard. II
is fine for quick relief from sore
throat, bronchitis, tonsilitis, Group, stiff
neck, asthma, neuralgia, headache,
congestion, pleurisy, rheumatism, lum-
bago, pains and aches Of the back or
Joints, sprains, sore muscles bruises, chill
blains, frosted feet, colds on the chest
Nothing like Musterole for crouPy chill
dren. Keep it handy for instant use
35c and CSC jars; hospital size S5.OO
!|!EZHaiH 7Iz!l
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-02-08

Seldom do we run across a dog
that has more sense than its owner,
but we have always been impressed
with the remarkably intelligent look
on A s. Burkart's well known dog
Tarba by.
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-02-08

Wilhelm SAYS that if he is paid annuity by
Germany he viii only be getting what is coming 10
him. Nay Wilhelm, You'll never gel all that's COM
ing to YOU in this life
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-02-08

Candy worth $2OO,OOO,OOO is eaten every year IN
the United States says a statisucian. Which means,
we 'spose that during the last couple of years the
country has been spending 3OO.OOOOOO $500 OOO.
600 for candy
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-02-08

The nigh price of coal is due of the
fact that more coal mined last year than ever
before. The good old law of prce-adjustment to
supply and demand always works and in this case
it has worked the consumer.
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-02-08
Trimmings and Notions a Help to Sewing

Plain Moirie Ribbon, 81 inches
$3.50 to SIS.
Brocaded Ribbon for vesting 1I2
inches-$l.00 to $3.50.
Lace Flouncing for evening wear, 50
to 40 inches at $500 to $3.50 yard.
FiIet Crochet Laces and Insertions
Csc yard.
South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-02-08
CoNsTANCY

\ NEW PICTURE OF TARBABY
Abilene weekly reflector. [volume] (Abilene, Kan.) 1888-1935, 1921-06-30
TRIP FOR LADIES' BAND
Nav Make Tour of King Of Trails
Highway

Every person whether Ae uhder-
stands music or not has wholesome
appreciation Of good music and there
fore the plan Of Frank A. Davis anu
VIII w. Brown, national secretary
and president, respectively, OF the
King Of Trails Highway, to SEND the
Girls band Of Lexington, kan.' on a
tour over the trail, is meeting with
popular approval. This band Is
composed Of twenty-four trained
musicians and will give concerts at
towns along the transcontinental
route, which extends from Winnipeg
Canada, to Brownsville, Tex, to pay
their expenses, after which one or
more officers Of the association Will
speak upon the plan and scope OF the
great North and South highway.
This celebrated Girls band, which
was taken to the Republican nation
al convention at Chicago, last June,
under the direction of Harve Motter,
Republican state committeeman from
Kansas and was roundly compli-
mented by Maj. Gen. Leonard Wood,
viii II. Hays and Gov. Henry j.
Allen. Eleven-y year old Orlean Crazy
is the youngest member Of the band
and Mrs. Tufts and Mrs. Kandt are
the managers.
Abilene weekly reflector. [volume] (Abilene, Kan.) 1888-1935, 1921-06-30
WOULD KEEP EN- IN COUNTY
Mildly Insane Not to Be Sent to State
Institutions

The prospect that county farms
originally known as poor farms-are
to be rehabilitated and repopulated
as they were years ago, looms strong
in Kansas. This measure Is expect
ed to bring relief to the state hospi-
tails for the insane, now greatly over
crowded. Appeals to probate judges
of the various counties have been
sent out by the state board OF ad-
ministration, requesting that the
judges assign mild cases OF insanity
to the county farms. The state
asylums are overcrowded, the state
board asserts, and room must be
made for the accommodation Of the
more violent cases which cannot be
cared for conveniently at county
farms.
In the last decade many county
farms have had no inmates, some
but q few as compared to the mum
Der of inmates they housed twenty tt
thirty years ago. A number OF coun
ty boards have rented or sold theil
poor farms because they had no us'
for them.
Abilene weekly reflector. [volume] (Abilene, Kan.) 1888-1935, 1921-06-30
SMALL CORN ACREAGE FOR 1921
But Growth Shows Satisfactory
Stand And Development

The 44,5SO.00O acres pr0DaDiy
nlanted TO corn Is the third smallest
i'm the past 81 years, and less thah
last year by nearly 100000 acres
The present average condition OF the
growing crop Is S5.7 per cent based
on 100 as representing a satisfactory
stand and development. This Is d
gain of 7.5 points In the month, and
is the highest June condition since
1914. While corn is comparatively
small and backward for the time OF
year. It Is of good color and growing
rapidly as soil and weather have
been very favorable recently. Prev
iously the temperatures were too low
everywhere, and the ground too wet
in the eastt<n part. There Is some
complaint OF weedy fields due TO
some extent to the rush Of wheat har-
vest delaying cultivation. Very few
reporters note insects as troublesome
although chinch bugs are reported IN
some fields Of the southeast, while
the work of cutworms is seen In the
ma jority Of the counties, although
the damage is small. The higher
conditions are In the northwest,
sherman 90, Thomas and Osborne
%. while the eastern counties OF
Coffey and Miami average the low
est. or IS and II respectively. The
probable acreage in Dickinson coun-
ty is 8S,46S. The condition Is rated
Mt SO per cent
Abilene weekly reflector. [volume] (Abilene, Kan.) 1888-1935, 1921-06-30
DISPUTES FEDERAL REPORT
MohIer Says They're Mixed on Kan
sas Acreage

sas Acreage
A report that many OF the Iost
prosperous of the big farming coun-
ties of Kansas have many thousands
of acres of abandoned farm land Is
being promulgated by the federal CEN
sus bureau, according to J. G. Mohler,
secretary of the state board Of agri-
culture. If this report is allowed to
stand, Mohler said yesterday, 1t will
work incalculable harm on kansas
farm securities and otherwise injure
the property Of Kansas farmers.
Mohler has launched severe attack
on the federal bureau in an effort to
have the reports specified and re-
checked.
In Chase county alone, according
to the federal farm census report,
the total farm acreage has been de-
creased 1O7,72S acres since 1917
Mohler said :,
The report is ambiguous, said
Mohler, and does not specify what Is
meant by decreases in farm acreage.
It gives nothing to show why the
farm acreage is less now than it was
in 1910.
"It can mean only one thing,
said Mohler, "and that is that the
acres listed on the report as decrease
in farm acreage have been aban-
| doned"
Abilene weekly reflector. [volume] (Abilene, Kan.) 1888-1935, 1921-06-30
NO PLACE FOR CHILDREN ALONE
CITY Park Is For Recreation Of Par
ents and Children

The City Park, with its swings,
slides and comfortable benches Is a
wonderful place for children to play
but it is not city play ground and
there is no supervisor there to look
out for children who go without an
adult.
At various times the civic commit
tee Of the City Federation has been
asked why no supervisor is provid-
ed. The answer is that there is nc
money with which to pay a supervis-
or and moreover the park is not in
tended for a playground. 1t is there
to afford a place Of relaxation or re-
creation for parents who care to &c
and take their children and for a pic
mic ground.
Some children are there every day
with no older person to look after
them.
"Once or twice a week is sufficient
for any child to co." said one mem,
Der of the Federation who has beer
active in promoting the park i'm
proven,,nt, land then an adult should
go along. Neighborhood groups NIGH
be arranged once a week in which
the children Of the neighborhoot
could go, one mother taking them ont
week and another the next. Or sew
eral mothers might join in hiring
some one to take the children once
a week. People must not send thei
children to the park alone and expec
there will be some one to look afte