South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1921-04-03

ABOUT ~ o CLOCK the silver dol
lars dropping on the bar slowed
down 10 playing two-steps and
marches instead OF jigs. But 1 look
ed out the windows and saw a hun
dreds or two Of our customers stand
ing in line at Bird City Savings &
Loan Co. and I knew they were
borrowing more money 20 be sucked
in by the clammy tendrils OF the
octopus.
AT the fashionable hour OF noon
everybody went home 10 dinner. We
told the bartenders TO take advan-
tage OF the lull. and do the same
Then me and Andy counted the re-
ceiDts. We had taken I'm $500.
We calculated that IL Bird City would
only remain an island for two weeks
the trust would be able 10 endow
the Chicago university with a new
dormitory OF padded cells for the
faculty and present every worthy
poor man in Texas with a farm. pro-
v.ded ne furnished the site for il.
Andy was especial inroaded by
self-esteem at our success, the rudi-
/ ---~--~1 VA AAAI ENAAElAAE I'D via. VI y III
ated in his own surmises and pre-
montions. He got off the safe and
1T the biggest cigar in the house.
'Jeff,' says he, I don't suppose
that anywhere in the world you
could find three cormorants with
brighter ideas about down-treading
the proletariat than the firm of
Peters Satan and Tucker, incor-
porated. We have sure handed the
small consumer a giant blow in the
sole apoplectic region. Mop
Well, says I. 1t does look as il
we would have 10 take up gartritis
and golf or be measured for kits in
spite of ourselves. This little turn
in bug juice is. verify. all TO the
Sldbo. And I can stand it, says L.
I'd rather banten than bant any
day
Andy pours himself out four fin
/ gers of our best rye and does with
it as was so intended 1t was the
first drink I had ever known him to
take.
by way of liberation, says he,
TO the gods
And then after thus doing UNI
bragg to the heather diabetes he
drinks another to our success. And
he begins TO toast the trade. begin
ming with Raisuli and the Northern
Pacific. and on down the line TO the
little ones like the school book COM
/ bine and the oleomargarine out
RACES and the Lehigh- Valley and
Great Scott Coal federation.
It's all right. Andy. says /. TO
drink the health of our brother
mOnOpolists, but don't overdo the
wassail. You know our most en-
inent and lOathed multi-corruption-
lists live on weak tea and dog bis
cults
Andy went in the back room
awhile and came out dressed in his
best clothes. There was a kind of
murderOus and soulful look of gentle
riotousness in his eye that I didn't
like. / watched him TO see what
turn the whisky was going to take
in him. There are two times when
you never can tell what is going to
happen. One is when a man takes
his first drink; and the other is when
woman takes her latest.
I'm less than an hour Andy's skate
had turned to an ice yacht. He was
outwardly decent and managed to
preserve his aquarium, but inside
he was impromptu and full Of un-
expectedness.
JEFF says he, do you know
that I'm a crater-a living crater?"
That's a self-evident hypothesis ,
says I. But you're not Irish. Why
don't you say Creature according
to the rules and syntax of America p
I'm the crater Of volcano,
says he. I'm all aflame and cram
med inside with an assortment of
words and phrases that have got to
have an exodus. 1 can feel millions
Of synonyms and parts of speech
rising I'm me- says he, and I've got
to make a speech of some sort.
Drink says Andy always drives
me to oratory'
'If you've got to get rid Of your
| excess verbiage.' says 7. why not
go out on the river bank and speak
a piece? It seems to me there was
an old spell-binder named Canhari-
des that used to go and disincopror-
ate himself of his windy numbers
along the seashore.'
No. says Andy. L must have
! an audience. I feel like if I once
| turned loose people would begin to
call Sen. Beveridge the Grand Young
! Sphinx of the wabash. I've got to
get an AUDIENCE together, JEFF. and
get this oral distension assuaged or
it may turn on me and I'd go about
4 feeling like a deckle-cdged edition
de luxe of Mrs. Z. d. L. y. South
worth
Ion what special subject Of the
theorems and topics does your de-
sire for vocality seems 10 be con
/ nected WITH I asks
i amt particular says Andy.
/ 4 am equally good and varicose on
all subjects. I can take up the mat
ter of Russian immigra ton. or the
| poetry OF John w. Keats. or the
tariff, or Kabyle literature. or drain
age, and make my audience weep.
| cry, sob and shed tears by turns
Well, Andy says I. IF you are
/ bound TO get rid of this accumuIa-
ton Of vernacular suppose YOU 20
out in town and work it on some
I iudulsent citizen. Ne and the bows
viii take care OF the business
| Everybody Will be through dinner
pretty soon, and salt pork and beans
makes d man pretty thirsty We
ought to take in $500 more by
midnight
so Andy goes out Of the Blue
Snake. and I see him stopping men
on the street and talking TO EN-
BY and by he has half a dozen in a
/ bunch listening TO him; and pretty
soon / see him waving his arms and