The New York herald., 1921-10-02
BY DAN CAREY.


would be creating copy, nor during
the subsequent struggle we engaged in to
overcome an appetite that had been with us
since early childhood was it our aim to pro-
vide Impressions that could later be written
about Our sole desire was to stob drinking
OF course now that we have succeeded if is
only natural to boast about it a little
Tnere have been number of articles re-
Gently by writer's who confess to all kinds
OF intimate and personal things We know
OF no reason why our own testimony should
not be added to the sum total of human
knowledge We have had articles about how
to reduce ones weight, increase ones blood
pressure, maintain the happiness of home,
operate an automobile, stop eating opium
ana suppress jealousy in a harem
VI course we could, If we would write at
considerable length on this automobile ques-
tion The title for this story would be "The
Confessions of an Automobile Owner" To
be perfectly frank about it, the only reason
we 90 not write this story is that we are
not quite sure about the statutes of Iimita-
ton and until we ascertain definitely Just
when criminal prosecutions are barred by
time discretion prompts us to remain silent
We had one Of these automobiles that was
absolute perfection with the exception of
the transmission, the differential the steer
ing equipment and the starting system
1t reminded us of statement once made
to us by the manager of theatrical per-
formance whose show we had been sent to
criticise. After the second act he asked us
how we liked it, We began to evade
Tell me exactly what you think of it,"
he said.
DO you really mean that?" we asked.
sCertainly. I want to know.
Well, / think it is about the rottenest
show ever saw" we answered bluntly.
My Gawd. mani" he answered "just look
ut them costumes!"
That is about what the automobile dealer
replied when we directed his attention to
the minor defects in the car which we have
spoken of.
That car has the best engine in the
world he said
He was telling the truth about it. too 1t
was fine engine and never gave us a
particle of trouble. Neither did the car for
that matter, as long as we ran in straight
line. 1t was only when we attempted to
turn corners that the things would break.
However. the automobile did not break any
more completely than we did before we
stopped associating with each other.
We might at this juncture make a parody,
using basis the man who had both
money and friends, but the thing is SO
obvious that we merely suggest i; to you.
You can work it out as well as we can.
T TOWEVER, we started out to tell how
we stopped drinking. Our determi-
nation was the result of dining at
the home of friend on the Friday evening
before Labor Day. Our friend served on that
evening delightful substitute for our ia
vorite drink, but the substitute had abso-
iutely no effect in it whatever. The taste
was the same, the smell was identical, and
there was Just as much pleasure in the
drinking, but without the kick
1t reminded us of what old Uncle Aaron
said about drink we gave him one after
noon a reward for extra and rather
arduous labors in the vegetable garden.
where he had given battle to and conquered
a perfect horde of potato bugs.
When the old man came whistling up to
the back door there was a look of satisfac-
ton about MIN.
Oar now" he exclaimed triumphantly.
I'm be bound we amt gwinter be pestered
by dem bugs no mo-. Dey sho met dey death
dis day."
"Yessur, believes l will, it bein sech a
hot day. he continued in response to our
invitation.
So the old man took perfectly enormous
drink which we poured out for him-took il
without water and smacked his lips
DO you want a little water, Aaron?" we
asked, thinking he might have been burned
by the liquor
-'Nosur," he replied II won't take no
water. What's de use of buildin er fire eff
yo gwine ter pour water on il and put her
out?"
HERE is another set of confessions, by
the way, that we are fully qualified
to write about. Once we tried to be
moonshiner. Our confessions on this sub
ject would recount our failures in that noble
profession. OF course we come from State
where moonshining has progressed from
being a mere profession into the realm of
real art.
An article of this kind would naturally
begin with our experience in covering a
layer of peaches with a coating o. sugar.
following with another layer of peaches and
so upward and onward until tho crock was
hlled at great labor and enormous cost IT
would speak of our amazement in discover
ing several weeks later that we had produced
merely crystallized fruit which could be
extracted from the crock only with the aid
of an axe.
Our confessions would tell of the number
or yeast cakes we had wasted and Of the
quarts OF grape juice we had spoiled in
attempts to produce a drink that could be
offered sto n visitor at tho hop,. tyitbout