The central record. (Lancaster, Ky.) 18??-current, 1921-03-03

They are deserving people, and you
feel u duty 10 help them along. ~
the first thing YOU know your mail box
Is damned full ~ literature. Having
paid for IL. you feel that you ought to
read II, and your life II ruined thereby.
when ! was young. the magazines
tried to entertain people. They had
good stories and Poets Corner. and a
department devoted t. timely Jokes
and another tn household hints and do.
nestle recipes. There was some sense
In reading magazine then. for "
soothed and sustained you. Hut now.
adays the magazine editors consider II
their duty To- harrow your soul and
make your hair stand ON end like
quilts upon the porkful fretcuplne, or
words e. that effect They are always
viewing with alarm. and trying 90 con
vince YOU that you take your life In
your hand every ave minutes
"Thry have tot Of health special.
lists writing Tor them. and these health
sharps point out that pretty near ey.
erything you eat and drink II n deadly
poison. They didn't scare the Ia any
great extent. for I am most intrepid
man. but they soon had my wife 81
ratified she didn't know whether she
was going or coming.
Il always was 'passionately fond Of a
good cup of coffee. and my wife could
make the best coffee. you ever heard
OF, She went to work AT IL like n
learned apothecary compromising a
prescription. There was no guess
work about Il. she took an honest
pride In IL, aud her coffee was a reve-
lation To every consumer. ! used 10 lie
awake ut night wishing IL was break
fast time. ~ I could have my morning
cup of coffee.
But one morning when | went TO
the table the coffee was missing. in
it's place there was sickly beverage
had never seen before. asked an cx-
PLANTATION. and my wife said that no
more coffee would be- made In our
house. The wonder is said she. that
We still live aud move and have our be
ing for coffee Is rank poison. II you
read Dr. Zlnkfoogle's article In the
Junkopolltan Magazine. you will see
that coffee contains "A large percentage
of tnunln. which IL ~ deadly that "
you place drop on the tongue Of an
alligator, Il will roll over. dead"
Il told her that I had no alllgators
ON the premises and consequently could
not try the experiment. but ! assured
her that I didn't care anything about
the poison. wanted my coffee AT
regular hours. She said I'd have TO
keep on wanting. She thought too
much OF me to send me To an untimely
grave. And. anyhow, she explained
Dr. Zlnkfoogle had told how TO make a
substitute for coffee that was perfect
IN wholesome. she had followed his
instructions. and the result was before
me. Perhaps II didn't taste as good as
coffee. but IL was wholesome. II would
an my veins with red corpuscles anu
restore hair TO my bald head. IL was
made Of marrowfat peas which had
been carefully roasted In hot oven
sIn order to get cup Of coffee AFTER
that I had to make sneak To the
chop house. and the kind dished up
there made me old before my time. MY
wife cut out all my fayorite dishes be-
cause Dr. Zlnkfoogle ar some other
magazine writer denounced them, anu
finally I was living on roasted peas
coffee aud boiled spinach, and con
. Guided that II I had to feed Ike the
cows I'D live like them, 30 ! came To
| the forest Businesses.