davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1921-07-24
DON'T USE BIG WORDS.

Here's little feat Of memory test.
il is also a little bit of good advice to
those who attempt to use words with
which they are not familiar. 1t WIS
edvice given by a father to son
who was attending college and In his
letters home used language which
was beyond the father to comprehend.
The father, with great patience.
indited the foitowing to the son:
In promulaating your esoteric
cogitations and articulatiag superficial
sentimentalities, and philosophical or
psychological observations, beware of
platitudinous ponderosity. Let your
conversations possess "a clarified con-
ciseness. comprehensibleness. .coales-
cent consistency, and a concatenated
cogency. Eschew all conylomerations
OF fiatulent garrullty Jejune babble.
ment, and asinine Alterations. Let
your extemporaneous descantings and
unprecedented expectations have
intelligibility and veracious vf0acity
without redomontable or thrasonicai
bombast Sedulously avoid all poly
syllable profundity, pompous pro-
lixity, ventriloquial verbosity, or
vaniloqueht vapidity. Meticuiously
avoid all merstricious ullulations and
diversiloquent maunderings. In other
words, use plain English.
A. G. ANTHONY.
The Washington times., 1921-07-24
HOW TO KEEP COOL!

All you gotta do is to get your
self a dual system of digestive
ORGANS. The French Academy OF
Medicine has discovered a man
with this desirable condition, and
the heat never bothers him. He's
Vladimir Bolgarsky, formerly a.
captain in the Russian army.
He's the possessor of this dual
system of digestive coils.
To keep cool in hot weather he
simply drinks many glasses of ice
water, puts his trick organs TO
work and the water returns by
way of the mouth in the same
condition as when swallowed, ris-
ing to a height of several feet and
falling back on him in a spray.
This guy may not have been
put together by a plumber, but
the doctors are tinkering with
him now, and 1t will take more
than a plumber to put him to-
gether again after they get
through with him. He'll be like
the Christmas toy the American
boy gets from Santa Claus.
The Washington times., 1921-07-24
II we love our enemies we
sure do hate to show 1t.
EAMON o s.
USE KINDLY WORDS.

with sixty thousand words in use today.
No one need be puzzled just what to say.
There arc various terms OF adulation
And different terms OF condemnation.
The former, for us, are pleasing to hear,
While the latter oft CRATE upon the car.
Praise and censure, hand In hand.
Today are walking through the land.
And false and true frequently stand
In a seeming fraternal band.
Now the rule best for us all
just before we speak at all.
To make our choice OF words sound nice
Stop and think them over twice
Another trite maxim we should revere,
As II unfolds q truth most clear
A trusting heart has never been broken
II. SMITH.
The Washington times., 1921-07-24
THE PoSTMAN's TROUBLES.

The Washington postman who had
to determine where to deliver the let
ter addressed as the one below didn't
even put a query mark on IL, but
brought II to Heard and Seen:
'Tis puzzle for you. postmaster.
To wonder how to rightly messenger
This bit OF mail TO the right address.
I will give you but three times one guess
I'll tell you then II that must
One hint though, before I intrust
This precious letter TO your
without a doubt beyond compare
Is the one to whom this is addressed,
The biggest smuser OF all the rest,
And within this city he has a hut,
And Ia. indeed, worldwide famous as KING
MUTT
Inside was letter from BOOB
McNUTT," wanting to have the Ian
guage of stamps printed. We have
printed IL. but II some reader will
send IL again, Wen run II.
A British scientist says, by .
look the human eye can produce mo-
ton" Hum! Any ''vamp" can tell
us that
~ JULES BACKENHEIMER.
She Gin the moonlight)-Dear l
thought I heard a noise, r
He (reassurlngly)--oh, love, that
was only the bark of the .treeL
HARVARD.
The Washington times., 1921-07-24
EACH MAN MUST ANSWER
THIS FOR HIMSELF.


Dear Bill:
saw this on a sign the other
day, ARE YOU THE MAN YOUR
MOTHER THOUGHT YOU'D
BE?"
Thought maybe you could use
it for one of your dandy editorials.
/. s. +.
But I. S. F. contributes this in
answer to the sign:
Does that hit you right between
the eyes? Now stop a minute and
think II over.
Could you go back to the little
old house today and look Her
square in the eye and say you had
tried your best? Have you lived
up to Her ideal of a Man? Are
you a credit to the name She gave
you? Would you be ashamed to
take Her with you anywhere you
go? Would your, actions pass
muster" II she looked on?
Remember--She went into the
Shadows to bring you forth. She
suffered untold agonies TO add an
other man to the world.
Have you paid back even one
atom of interest on the biggest
debt you will ever owe?
How about that Compromised
letter you've put OFF, so many
times? Can't you see Her sitting
in the little old rocker, patiently
watching and waiting and hoping
that the next day will bring that
letter. And that visit. Can't you
imagine the ready smile and see
the dear old twinkle In her eyes IL
you should step across the thresh-
old tomorrow
When all other friends" forsake
you there Is always Mother left to
listen to and straighten out the
troubles Of Her boy
II she Is gone beyond" isn't
the memory of Her enough TO spur
you on TO greater things? III It
isn't, you have failed In the biggest
thing In life.
Are You the Man Your Mother
Hoped You'd Be?
The Washington times., 1921-07-24
THE NEW OFFICE nov.

This is among the things they gen.
orally send the new office boy or
apprentice for:
A crucial test.
Optical Illusion.
Key TO the curtain
A glass key.
Triangle saw.
Dried elephants eyes.
A grain of sense.
Fl. C. h.
The Washington times., 1921-07-24
FAvORITE EXPRESSIONS.

count ME OUT" Much in favor
with defeated prize fighters, especial
iy when there is a fat losers end.
COUNT ME IN" Very popular
with indicated booze-fighters, when
some one is getting ready to open a
bottle. FRED NETTER-
The Washington times., 1921-07-24

The best illustration OF love is in
A short story by DeMaupausant. Two
friends are hunting and one shoots at
two ducks, hitting one and killing It,
II falls to the ground. The other
duck has flown on but soon misses its
mate. She returns, circles few
times above the still mate, finally
alighting alongside. The huntsmen
did not wish TO XIII such an easy
mark. but the female would not leave.
Finally they killed IL also. That was
Lowell n K NJ
The Washington times., 1921-07-24
RU f. A r. 7

There was a young artist named Kent
Who on landscapes his backbone bent,
But when landlords came around,
Their bills to PROFOUND,
M could never draw" the months rent.
JOSEPH I. DREAMER (''Harvsrd".
The Washington times., 1921-07-24
KIN" YOU BEAT TT

At times Venice appears won
derfully spoony with its count
less, cozylooking gondolas and
dreamy waters, but italy's capt.
tai is evidently the place where
real Rome aunts" can always be
found. HARPER s FERRY.
The Washington times., 1921-07-24

Every time a scientist looks
at his wife he announces that
the world is going back to the
monkey-stage.
GLOBE TRoTTER.
The Washington times., 1921-07-24
NO POET, BUT

I'm not much on poetry.
Or even at making rhyme,
But we've the best column ever,
On that I'll bet my last dime.
The Washington times., 1921-07-24
ORDERS TO THE MUS.

Headquarters q. o. C ana @. o, OF.
Washington. d. c.. July %. 1874.
q. o. No. 2.
The following extracts from the
school Of the Columnier'' are pub
lished for the entertainment and
umnettes as may elect. They should
memorize and be able to turn over
the following.
l. To take charge Of all q. o.. c.
property found on my post, Including
goats, bulls. jokes, puns and stories
should not bear the brand OF any other
column. -
ner. on the alert TO observe and re- !
port to the @: o: 3. anything intsrest.
Ing and novel. ..f rs Has b
!, To allow no one to commit bufi-
shooting on or near my post yrF 4
4. To receive, laugh over and tranU-
nit humorous suggestions Of the q. o. !
b, and allow myself to be relieved ~. 4
buck columniers with money to iend T
till payday only. - i
To salute the q. o. p. and IN {
eolumniers with the high sign ana I
duly respect colors on the lips OF coll 4
umnettes and in vanity cases.
6. Never to quit my post. bearing In 3
mind a coiumnier is always on guard. !
sleeping or waking. . I
BY command OF
a BILL PRICE. @. o. n.
tsisnedS ZOE coNKLIN. Ait Joker.
Famous symbols which are very
much used
I. ~. T. p. ID. Q. =. o. q.
B. V. ID. s. O. L. @. o. G.
o. q. ". and S.
GAITHERSBURG LIZ. z
A NEW VARIETY. f
Cinders to cinders.
Smoke TO smoke.
The sweet girls
Are keeping me broke
Cinders to oinders,.
smoke TO smoke.
Love viii hang on
TILL frogs don't crcak.
oAIrHrRsBuRo La
The Washington times., 1921-07-24

Smiles cost less than electric lights
and they make the home brighter.
EAMGN s.
The Washington times., 1921-07-24
A w F u L!

We humans think we're quite Just
And righteous In our rules.
And yet most every day we see
Some act that Is awful cruel. -
We strike" a match and burn" the wood
We chew" our food just because it's
good"
We "puiverize" the ground. and bury, the
seeds
Pull up" helpless roots and -cut down.
weeds, HARVARD.
The Washington times., 1921-07-24
The Croluh of the SeLfSerUe System
GO SIOW GO SLOW.

PEGGY BEE" says Loves q Saroeh
That must be broken into
I'm very sorry, dearie,
You are wrong In toto.
I tried that very little trick
Not a great while ago
The slap received made me believe
That It's better to go SLOW;
The Washington times., 1921-07-24
twHAT is AS RARE AS A DAY m
| JUNES

/. The 29th Of February.
2. Enough money. =
8. Good steaks.
Diamond weddings.
5. Bottled In Bopd-"
6. Peace in Poland. 5
Z. Cooks.
8. Peace anywhere.
8. Long sheets. Il
CHEVY.
The Washington times., 1921-07-24

Truth must prevail in the end"
Possibly so. In the meantime,
though, the accomplished liar man
ages to get in some awful body
blows! FRED VETTER.
The Washington times., 1921-07-24

A flapper by the name of Lucille.
At dancing would make your head reel.
Size after ded a ball.
But danced not at all,
when she found n big hole in her heel
CHEERUPADISr.
Evening star., 1921-10-30
"Boyology."

A city has no more distinct problem
than its boys. Upon their proper train
ing, education, bringing up," depends
the future welfare OF city and nation.
A visit to the city, therefore, Of one
who enjoys the title Of 'boyologist" is
an event worth noting, for if he is
gifted with the real knowledge Of boys
he can make more effective the efforts
Of all laboring in that great science
"boyology." Boys can be classified and
labeled to a certain extent only. Be
yond that they escape the cataloguing
brain that would give them numbers,
like dogs at bench show, and refer
the spectators to printed book for
explanation Of the numerals.
mo. 14S-Tommie Smith: wild little
fellow: likes to play 'hookie' from
school; owner, ]. H. Smith," But this
same Tommie Smith may be seen next
day doing something very fine for a
playfellow. And thirty years from now
he may be one Of the most distin-
guished men in the United States.
'Boyology" is study Of man in the
making, a study wherein the thing
worked with is plastic material ready
to take impressions. This is the. hope
of schools and teachers. "boyoloSists'
and just plain parents, that the ma
terial may take the finer impressions
only and fail to register the others.
The "boyologist" who helps achieve
this result is biologist, indeed.
Evening star., 1921-10-30
DIGEST OF FOREIGN PRESS

Scandinavia is anything but favor
able
The situation is similar n England
and America. England has three null
lion. America SIX million unemployed.
In order to feed all this army III"
state has to spend a larger amount
than any possible rcparations sum by
Germany.
I'VE are obliged TO agree TO the
Rathenau-Louchcur proposals to CON
vince the world that Germany is VIII
ing to pay. The freer this viii is
from preteXt the stronger viii he thc
realization on the opposition side that
no country can receive payments such
as are demanded from Germany with
out damage To herself The ruin uf
the debtor would he followed hy the
ruin Of the creditor as inevitably Is
thunder follows lightning. and in tn.
whole world there would soon only
remain over from the war ruined and
conquered nations.
The way of fulfilling which takes
the weapons out of the hands of tba
enemies on the other side - she onlE'
means &f 'aaE.pg our opponents wise
through their own ruin. The mark
catastrophe is a warning also for tn.
opposite side: the willingness of an
classes in Germany to help the couu-
try in its distress is a ray of hoir
not only for Germany but for lhG
whole world"
Evening star., 1921-10-30
Who Pays the Reparation?

RERIJN-A carefully reasoned edi-
torial in the Vossische Zeitung OF Ber-
lima reasonable, liberal journal. de-
cidedly friendly toward the alhes-
emnhasizes the point that in the long
run the richer allies. and especially
America. will pay the war reparation
hill. if the payment is insisted upon
and vigorously carried out. unem-
nloyment in England and the United
States is a sign that this payment by
the richer countries is already begin
ming. The editorial follows:
.;The exchange crisis is indeed an
international problem which is caus-
ting the greatest trouble not only IN
the financially impoverished coun-
tries but also in countries on the
other side of the channel and the At
Iantic ocean, which have super
abundance of riches. The develop-
ment in other countries has shown
that the depreciation of the exchange,
which theoretically has reached its
limit at rate Of 10 per cent. IN
practice can continue, so to speak,
If the mark is only
worth 8 pfennigs. today; the Aus
eth % part Of it, and the Polish mark
even a sixtieth part. And il we were
to speak of the bolshevist ruble, the
depreciation is thousand times
worse. Apart from Russia, where
willful destruction of property makes
all comparison impossible. the coun-
tries which have had to manage with
more or less worthless exchange
have until now been able to preserve
a certain degree of their economic
life. The disturbances were of diff
lferent kind, but 1t seems that they
were scarcely more difficult to beaI
than the damage caused by the busi'
ness stagnation in the countries witt
thigh exchange. The economic situa'
ton in Switzerland. Holland ant
Evening star., 1921-10-30
House-Clearing at Moscow.

One by one the goods of the soviet
household at Moscow are being auc-
toned for what they will bring in the
market. Anti-capitalism is gone. Ex-
elusive control Of food distribution has
been relinquished through admission
Of the American relief workers and
their supplies. Forced labor is, in
part, abandoned. The soviet may even
sacrifice the principle Of reputation
of imperial debts. The latest offering
in the interest Of rehabilitation is the
reduction Of the bureaucracy.
For some time the soviet leaders
have been unpleasantly aware of the
fact that the pay rolls of, the govern
ment were terribly heavy. Reckoning
the Russian government pay in terms
Of rubles the grand total of the budget
must have been something indescrib-
ably immense. Logarithms would be
necessary to express the total. So a
committee was named to see what
could be done to shorten the force, a
sort of a Dawes budget enterprise,
and it has just reported, announcing
that 2,5O0,O0O Of the employees are to
be discharged. This does not COM
pletely depopulate the public service.
Probably Lenin and Trotsky will have
enough of helping force to keep them
from the need of writing all their own
letters and proclamations and mani
festos and announcements of policy
changes.
This is terrible tidings for the gov
ernment workers who are to be
dropped. For in Russia, under soviet
rule, about the only job worth having
was that of bureau employe. A
man who could get enrolled as such
was assured of good rations and fuel.
He was immune from constant vista
tions, though not altogether from sus-
picion. He was free from doing mill
tary duty. In fact, he had good
many perquisites, and at the high tide
of sovietism it has been stated at least
one-half the population was in some
degree connected WIFI lOCdl VI SeIlel tl
administration. 1t is not known just
how many there are in the force that
is to be now depleted by 2,500,000.
In this connection it should be
noted that the whole trade-union
policy has been changed to suit the
governments new economic policy.
The principle of private management
is admitted, and scales of wages are
to be fixed in accordance with the
fluctuation of. market prices in locali-
ties where work is done. These steps,
it Is naively announced. are to be
taken in an effort to give living wage
to workers and thus induce them to
cease thievery and speculative activi-
ties which until lately have been nee
essary in order to gain a living.
There Is not much left. Sovietism is
being trimmed pretty nearly to the
bone, and soon perhaps the bone will
go, too.
Evening star., 1921-10-30
Gvpsies Up-to-Date.

Once upon time gypsies were a
folk to be feared. When those
swarthy people passed through a viii
lage mothers drew the blinds and sat
trembling, holding their children while
the wagons went by. Always there
was a dog running along underneath
the wagon. skulking sort of place
for an honest dog to be. Gypsy men
usually went along the sidewalks in
advance of the wagon, advance guards
to their fearsome caravan.
All that seems changed nowadays,
at least in the National Capital. The
gypsies come today in motor vehicles.
A few blocks from the Capitol there
was seen this week small motor
truck, in the body of which was seated
the gypsy family. There was not room
enough for a dog to run underneath,
SO he was sitting on the drivers seat.
Behind sat the women and children.
The women were attired in their age
old costumes of pink calico, mixed
with other bright colors so dear to
the feminine fancy Of these peoples.
They might have been the very self
same people who rode in those old
wagons. if it had not been for that
automobile. Truly. here is a progress
indeed, a going forward in line with
the spirit Of the age! When these an
cient people begin to change what Is
not possible? It is not strange that
our own people take to automobiles,
but when the gypsies start motoring,
"God bless us every one." as Tiny
Tim said about something else.
Evening star., 1921-10-30

sible. He counsels against a doleful
tone and pulling a long face at the
bedside. Let attendants and visitors
in the sick chamber look cheerful and
speak normally, and thus hearten the
person afflicted. No funereal air ex-
cept at a funeral.
The soundest Of sound sense, and
should be applied at this time, as DR..
Schwab prescribes. Business is sick
not desperately so, but sufficiently SO
to demand care and attention. Let
everybody look pleasant. and as far as
possible maintain a cheerful tone. No
tiptoeing or glooming around as II ex-
pecting and preparing for visit from
the undertaken. Believe that business
will recover, and help it with show
of confidence in the result.
This is the right note. The sugges-
ton at least is worth trial. Business
will recover. 1t has been down before.
and rose up the stronger for having
expelled from its system humors and
impurities which had gathered in a
period of stress and activity.
Evening star., 1921-10-30
New Woman" in China.

Chinese women are rapidly assuui-
ing more prominent position in tie
economic and business affairs of tlh
Flcwery Kingdom. Miss ZunE w!
Tsung, who went to London 10 r.ll5--
resent Chinese women at the iut"r-
national working womens consreS.s-
tells the London Express that Che
nese women in Shanghai are not u..-
like English women in many thinrE
They shop. they drink tea in ras-
and they go 10 the IpoI I,s,
with their husbands and children. il
is only in a few old conservative
families that the women are kept ia
the seclusion Of their homes.
Few Chinese women work. and Yt,!!
do not see them in banks and stores
continues Miss Tsung. But tn
state of things is changing. NeN
year there will he a new telephone
company that will employ girls rs.
operators. Many are studying short
hand and typewriting; railway COM
panies employ girls now as ticket
agents, and recently number Of
women entered for n civil scrvic-
examination -'
Evening star., 1921-10-30
The Bank Halter.

Four men robbed an eccentric herb
doctor at Delta, Ohio, the other day
of $4,000 which he carried i'll a
pocketbook in preference to deposit
ing it in a bank. This sum represented
his lifetime savings. He. like a good
many other people few years ago,
had an idea that banks were not to
be trusted. 1.-The yarn stocking for
him. Banks failed now and then and
smashed their depositors with them.
A pocketbook could always be reached,
and there was nothing like having the
cash right under hand. so to speak.
That sort of reasoning has for
tunately passed, and there are now
comparatively few people who dis
trust banks and prefer to hoard their
savings and carry them about person
ally or hide them in cupboards and
sugar bowls and behind loose bricks,
and that sort Of thing. Banks are
recognized as much more secure than
any "hiding hole" that can be found.
The war did good deal to bring
the banks into use by the people. The
sale of government bonds through
them set up a much more wholesome
relationship. Great numbers of peo-
pie who regarded their hoardings as
capital found that secreted money was
not really money after all, but just a
collection of tokens, and that money
Is only useful when 1t Is at WORK.
That Delta doctor perhaps never fig
ured out that If he loaned this money
at 6 Der cent or bought first-class Sc
curity at that rate he would be $l,740
to the good every year. Or If he put it
in the bank in a savings account at 3
ner cent his annual return would be
ss70, compounding. In other words,
he was losing at least $S70 year
whether he kept the money safely or
not, lost it just as surely as though
somebody had taken it from him. Now
he has lost principal as well as in
terest.
Maybe once upon time somebody
he knew lost money through a fail
ing bank, or perhaps bought "blue-
sky'' stock. Not for him! Little did
it matter that under the new federal
reserve system national banks are
practically secured against failure.
Little did it matter that any good
hank is in a position to give sound
advice in the purchase of securities.
Banks were "pizen" to him. So the
old wallet served until the robbers
came, and there was no federal reserve
act to protect him from them, and no
bankers Judgment to save his cash.
Maybe he will start an account now.