Arizona republican., 1921-11-19
LARDNER WEEKLY LETTER
 By RING w. LARDNER
We'll Haue To Change Lif e's Schedule If We're Going
 To LiUe 3 co Years

To the editor:
 Out in Chicago a vile ago they had a convention of insurance men from all over the country and I don't know what business they done or how they behaved themselves but they was one thing that come up during the ses- sion which I am sure the most of my readers cant help from being inter ested in same and that was report made by man that gets paid big money for figuring out how long people is libel to live and this man is suppose to be an expert on the subject and his remarks is taken for gospel truth though he is in the in surance business.
 We'll friends here is what this man had to say. He says that on acct. of prohibition and because the human race are getting more and more care full what they put in their stomach and learning how to take care of themself and paying more tension to little things that ails them, why he says that pretty near everybody Is now living 10 yrs. longer than they use to and 1t won't be long till they are liveing to be 300 yrs. old instead of 70 yrs. old and if a man dies be- fore he has reached the 250th. mill stone they will say he was cut off in his prime or died of infantile para lysis or something.
 That is what the man said and he is supposed to know what he is talk ing about and it looks to me like we should ought to face the situation and get ready for same and change things around so as to meet the new conditions because vile the way we live now may be O. K. for 70 yrs. still and all, life is libel to loose some of it's zip by the time you have added 23O yrs on top of the 70.
 Like for inst most people gets married when the man is around 26 yrs. old and the gal 24. Well friends the way it is now days that leaves them AS yrs. to live together and even that long gets to be g. kind of a strain even if you are married to the incest little gal in the world.
 Suppose it was 275 yrs. instead. I am afraid that once or twice dureing the last 250 yrs. one or the other of the 2 partys might maybe forget themselves for minute and say something to each other besides, Kiss me"
 Even with only 45 yrs. on the schedule I know of wifes that act like they was bored when their husband brings a man friend home to dinner and they set round till A. NJ. talk ing about the time they got stewed in New Haven.
 Suppose the Mrs. had to listen to that story once a wk. for 2lz cen turys. I bet they would come a eve ming dureing the last couple 100 yrs when she would forget her manners and doze off with her mouth open.
 SEARCH FOR SALADS
 Not only that but in the average family we will say that the husband and wife eats their supper away from home 15 time per annum. That leaves $50 days when the Mrs. has got tc plan for supper at home. Over the present span of 45 yrs. of married life she has got to plan 16,150 SUD- pers. Even that number gets to seen pretty big after a vile but suppose the duration was lenthened to 2I' yrs. or total of 96,250 suppers. Al the last few 1000 suppers it would be pretty near impossible to serve IT some kind of salad that they hadn never eat before
 As far as man is concerned WI can figure that a man with ordinar, self respects begins shaveing whe1 they are IS yrs. old and slaves ever! day from then on. If he lives 70 yrs he slaves somewheres around 1S,pu times and every time he slaves Wh. his whiskers gets all the more tough CT. If he has got to live 200 yrs. tha means l02,930 times which he mus shave himself and l wouldn't be sur prised if during the last 100 shave some the larger whiskers wouI half to be blasted out like stump.
 Further an more take man tha is 35 yrs old which statistics says ] about the age which the majority O people is that old, well it takes al the ready money he can lay hold O to provide himself with nourishment enough to last the rest of the 70 yr' now on the schedule. Where and LII hell is he going to dig up none for a 265 yrs. supply of Vermouth-
 Or take for inst. a chorus gal an the way it is now she can get d 1o up to the time she is ahout g an that leaves her 3S yrs. to live or Wha she may of saved out of meager sal ary We'll if it gets to be ZhS VT