Arizona republican., 1921-09-24
LARDNER WEEKLY LETTER
 By RING w. LARDNER

To the editor:
 suppose most ladies and gents in public life sometimes has the same experience like myself namely they receive presents from unknown ad- mires which generally always takes the form of food stuffs or garments of one kind another or maybe jew elry though personly my mail ain't often cluttered up with rubies, sap hires. lapis linguae and etc. but my worshirers mostly confines themself to daintys for the inner man as they figure that the way to a mans heart is through their stomach though they's a good many men that if you took that route to their heart you would get caught in traffic jam.
 However, the pt. is that a man like myself often gets remembered by their readers in the form of victuals and eatables and when I re- eefve same 1 always take the trouble to set down ana write a letter of thanks to the donor couched in such polite turns that they will think they done me a favor whether the gift was welcome or a drug on the market.
 Like for inst, once I was working on a paper in Chi and I had the kind of a job where you can do 3 or days work ahead of time and then stay home and give the old brains rest and one time l stayed away from the office days on acct. of it being the merry yuletide and when I finely went in the office they was a big package waiting there for me and it turned out to be a xmas turkey which MT. Yost the Mich, football coach had sents it f+ l,od orr rived days previous and the office boy had found parking space for it on the radiator.
 But as soon as I could breath l set down and wrote the old boy a letter thanking him and telling him how much we enjoyed the bird and etc. and he don't know to this day what real thrill his gift give me and theys no danger of him reading same here as tRis article ain't the memoirs of Napoleon or the 1921 football guide.
 Well friends. the reason am bringing up this subject at this time is on acct. of haveing just received another of these here presents and have wrote card of thanks for same but vile I was writeing it the idear come to me that maybe some of you folks is right this minute thinking of comeing acrost with some token Of your esteem in the shape of delicacys for the abdomen and if so why should l set here in silents and leave you pick out the gift without knowing something ir regards to my likes and dislikes and likely as not you would make the same mistake like this guy who have just wrote the letter to, name ly select some viand which is a welcome to me as a bee sting ane though I am well broughten up ane would thank you just as heartily al if you had of sent maple syrup ol doughnuts, still and all what Is the use of leaveing you waste youl only enjoyment I will get out of i is throwing it in the ash can. Gift Givers' Guide So. my friends. here is a list O articles that if you have made Ill your mind to send me one of then please change your mind and tn both of us will be better off. Cheese
 Apple butter
 Sweetbreads
 Bananas
 Alligator pear
 Egg plant
 That is a partial list of the forbid
 den fruits around this joint and tn l greatest of these is cheese. I suppose by this time my reader is burning up with curiosity in re
 gards to what was the present tha this guy sent me and which ] hay
 just wrote him the thankyou not for same Well friends, it wa
 cheese and not just l cheese or piece of cheese but 8 boxes o
 cheese. That is what the bird sen i me and that is what I thanked hir
 for though people who is in the in
 side circle of my friends will tell yo
 that me thanking a bird for chees
 is like Carpenter thanking Dem sey for that second clip on the chif
 as cheese affects me the same lik
 that punch affected the greek goo
 and not only that, but just hearin
 the word cheese sends the shivers u and down my spine and the onl