davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1921-09-04
Daffy
Definitions
POILYIce Water" Seems to Have Strange Effect Pa

~ gnat lives.
ARTIsT-Person who loves
art tor arts sake, but not work
for works sake.
BIRTHDAY-The day on which
you try TO forget how old you are.
BRoKRR-Man who helps you to
80 broke.
CAN-oPENER-Ford repair kit.
CAT-Any member OF q woman's
club not present.
CoNGREssMAN-The Topsy Of
Topsy.Turvy Legislators.
CRITIC-Man whose principal
fault Is finding tault.
DECKHAND-Man who is handy
with deck Of cards.
DIRTY-Synonym for politics.
EGG-An article Of defense. when
new, and offense. when old.
FIDDLE-An exclamation Of dis
gust. y-,-..ar.
FIsHING+Practical course in
lying.
FoRD-A push.cart on four wheels.
GENIUS-Man with remarkable
talent for avoiding work.
INsECT-Any man who has done
something his wife doesn't like.
JAZZ-Hard-boiled music.
JUDGE-Man selected by the com.
monwealth to prove that Justice
10 blind.
LABORER-A man without work.
LIFE-SAvER-A drink Of whiskey.
MAGAZINE-A publication con-
tanning old stories by, new writ
ers.
MALTREAT-To treat with malt.
MILLIoNAIRE-Man with two or
more wives.
MITTEN - Something your best
girl hands you, after removing II
so you can slip a diamond ring
on.
MoRMoN-Man who likes trouble
and marries a lot Of It.
MoTHER-IN-LAW--Trainer Of filly
In Life's Handicap.
MovINGPICTURE-where every.
body gets in wrong. including the
audience.
MUsH-The language OF sweet
hearts.
MUSICIAN-Person with q tenn
permanent who ceuses everyone
else to have q temper.
NEwSPAPER-An advertising cir.
cular.
PHYsICIAN-Non-union bartender.
P1ANIST-A person whose work Is
all play.
PoLICEMAN-Man who protects
you from everything but the law.
PoPULARfTY-Entoyable expert
ence Of any man With money.
RoUGHAGE-The age in which We
now live.
SHTPPING-BOARD-fOwing to the
nature Of this word We omit den.
milton here. leaving Il to its
proper place-Profane History
SHoES-Footwear for man. beast
or auto.
SKIRT-An article Of dress that is
rapidly disappearing.
SMILE Camouhage to conceal
your real feeling.
SPIDER-A kitchen utensil used in
restaurants and receiving a bath
each time the place changes own
ership.
VAUDEVILLE HOUSE Theatre
devoted to the rendition Of Ell.
Ell"
wATER-FIuid formerly used for
bathing.
wEDDING-where man subtracts
himself and leaves nothing.
WOOD AUCoHoL-Used frequent
ly as . bath, but only once as .
beverage.
A Felicitous Deficit.
rAILER-How much for q mar.
The Washington times., 1921-09-04
Safety First.

IN q certain village down South
j there was q physician noted for
his reckless automobile driving.
One day when he answered the
telephone a woman's voice asked
him II he were going out driving
that afternoon.
"No; I hardly think I will have
time this afternoon" replied the
doctor. But why do you ask?"
WELL" replied his anonymous
questioner. II want to send my lit.
tie daughter down town for some
thread, II you are not"
The Washington times., 1921-09-04
Scant Attendance.

nEACON (anxiously)-I wish that
~ our young minister weren't
obliged to preach to such a small
congregation.
Bewitching Widow-So do ].
Every time he said dearly beloved
this morning I felt as II I had re-
ceived a proposal.
The Washington times., 1921-09-04
ENCOURAGING.

.DRoFESSOR OF CHEMISTRY
! II anything should go wrong in
this experiment. We and the lab
oratory with us might be blown
sky high. Come closer, gentlemen,
so that you may be better able TO
follow me.
The Washington times., 1921-09-04
A Sure Way.

A YOUNG woman who thought
- she was losing her husbands
affection went to q seventh daugh-
ter Of a seventh daughter for love
powder. The mystery woman told
her: 49,.
Get a raw piece Of beof. cut hat,
about an inch thick. Slice an onion
in two and rub the meat on both
sides with It. Put on pepper and
salt and toast It on each side over
a red coal fire. Drop on It three
Jumps of butter and two sprigs OF
parsley and get him to eat it,"
The young wife did 80 and her
husband loved her ever aftsr.
The Washington times., 1921-09-04
No Use for Quinine.

uIowso-what are you doing for
II your cold!'
soso--Takipg the open-air treat.
ment. Breathing lots Of oxygen
during the day.
Howso-what do you breathe at
night?
Soso-Nightrogen.
The Washington times., 1921-09-04
A Felicitous Deficit.

rALLER-How much for . mar.
- riage license?
Town Clerk-one dollar.
Caller-I've only got nfry cents.
Town Clerk-You're lucky.
The Washington times., 1921-09-04
In Arrears.

ERIEND-This is a nice studio
j you have. Is the rent high?
Artist don't remember.
The Washington times., 1921-09-04
How to Make Hens Lay.

This important fact the cobesand raestof hens
provide the cownng glory
a
Wire electricity in the strongest lights
sfbe outside lights with pink bulbs The
The Washington times., 1921-09-04
I BY Hen Cooper

also the works are simple IS censored
dispatch About each morning get and switch the pink
lights The will these and thinking is dawn begin to crow
the do Then switch the
lights thinking Is the hens
will into Then slowly switch out light
will think night coming again and they'll climb
sleep In this manner double your
profits losses, the be.
make hens and one that was never
to fail is to tie their legs together
They've simply got TO lay then
sedest and coolest layers are cold
storage hens
Feeding the Hens.
brief mention that hens must be fed Please
this seriously. 1t is joka
either not feed them 1t is no joke for
when the grain bills
anything That's the great troub-a hen has
dining than has banquet
will not good for her The tenth
n 8 expensive.
rloin fresh FISH de
hohous lettuce
folks and begin feed them that diet
board with the hens.
been touched lightly thus
although a touching subject This designed
poultry business Next will go into details
building hen house and learning the psyho
ogy OF hens
The Washington times., 1921-09-04
Answer to Correspondent.

nURE SIMP-We know nothing
i about plans for a pedestrians
.shov following the automobile
show. You know yourself that the
pedestrian has no show.
The Washington times., 1921-09-04
How to Keep Hens

them with wellghted wevenlated wlguarded hen house
full hooks and and
other hiding These they
enable the hens you.
Some mistake furnishing hen house Do not
provide beds them twin the matter Of
double!yolked
hen, like policeman and waiter sleep
standing
Remember works sitting and rests standing
There should that
The hens bedroom which smooth three feet from
the ground horizontally should three from the longest
reach through the windows
The Washington times., 1921-09-04
Selecting the Breeds.

Selecting the Breeds.
A cold storage o
live hen likely do this But remember that setting
hen provides breakfast food.
Some prefer Plymouth Rocks They HARDY Others
Wyandottes will following
"Laywe Ever Willing like
The diem
never lay them anywhere except in
All roostes and no hens makes basket.
All hens and ROSTERS makes q dull henyard.
pulets When
busy cackns about
The Washington times., 1921-09-04

Rural Editors
Scrap Book
NNE good thing about this dry
era. Nose Cummings says. is
that yew don't have a lot of
empty beer bottles an ole soldiers
70 git rid Of when the wife returns
from her vacation. .&
The Girls Guild are trimmin' up
the Baptist Church for the peaches
an cream festival Saturday night.
The congregation won't get trim.
med till the pastor returns from
his vacation. ~
Our local authority on interna,
tional diplomacy, Judge Dopeti,
says that It looks to him as II
those Balkan states had better
watch their Steppes. an in the mat.
ter OF Silesia 1t looks to him as II
one OF the powers was tryin' to set
'em up on another ally. Righto,
say we. .. .... ....
The ragged fieldin' of our local
baseball team seems to need
darnin'. A lot of folks have been
darnin' 'em all Summer, but 1t
don't do much good. An the team
don't stand very we'll in stolen
bases. Every time O runner goes
to steal bases he acts as If the
bases belonged to some poor man
an changes his mind.
Why are our porous plasters like
q pass for last Sundays ball game?
Because they are good about a
week back.--Benighted Drug Store.
ADV.
Danny Graves fell in the reser-
voir last Sunday with his new pep.
per an salt suit on. Danny says
he thought the water needed a lit.
tie seasonin'.
Ans. to an Investor: Yes, we
. think Fumigated Air Brake ought
to be good. 1t should be easy tn
protect 1t with a short stop.
Doc Meadows allows he didn't
mind the heat at all durin' the late
hot spell. He says he got quite q
snifter of home brew aboard an
went home under an illumination
Of about 400-horsepower. An the
attitude aroun' his household
created by his wife has been very
cool ever since.
verbena Hamfat asserts that the
heavy tragedians are all het up be-
cause the Government is tryin' to
put an embargo on diestuff. Don't
seem at all right, Verbeny, say We.
Hiram Corntassel Is ding -blowed
II he sees any good in these here
collegiate courses in intensive
farmin'. 1t don't take no book
learnin' for him. to know that an
onion is a scentury plant, by heck.
The other day Zeb Turner, the
fagman on the way freight, took
short cut through Caleb Plew'5
back pasture lot. He had his red
flag tucked coquettishly under his
arm an this upset the aesthetic
taste of a member Of the bovine
family of the male persuasion
which was occupyin' the lot unbe.
knownst to Zeb. Said member Of
the sterner bovine sex gave Zeb
right smart race to the railroad
right Of way. Zeb says that's the
first time he carried signals for q
livestock express. Be more careful
when crossin' a coed pasture the
next time. Zeb, say We.
In Arrears.
The Washington times., 1921-09-04
Rural Editors
Scrap Book

NNE good thing about this dry
era. Nose Cummings says. is
that yew don't have a lot of
empty beer bottles an ole soldiers
70 git rid Of when the wife returns
from her vacation. .*a
The Washington times., 1921-09-04
The Hen House.

hen house. to be refined about It, hens residence
quite important Never buy lot hens
The Washington times., 1921-09-04

Our local authority on interna~
tional diplomacy. Judge Dopeti,
says that It looks to him as II
those Balkan states had better
watch their steppes. an in the mat.
ter Of Silesia 1t looks to him as II
one Of the powers was tryin' to set
'em up on another ally. Righto,
say we. .. u.
The Washington times., 1921-09-04
. The Care of Hens.

the weather extremely cold provide mufs for them This
will while hen has visible
But they will appreciate your good intentions
hens with rubber
they will think in the and walk
without getting their
provide big Hens sand It certainly
out and exchange
automobile something
The Washington times., 1921-09-04

Doc Meadows allows he didn't
mind the heat at all durin' the late
hot spell. He says he got quite q
snifter of home brew aboard an
went home under an illumination
Of about 4o0-horsepower. An the
attitude aroun' his household
created by his wife has been very
cool ever since.
The Washington times., 1921-09-04

The ragged fieldin' of our local
baseball team seems to need
darnin'. A lot of folks have been
darnin' 'em all Summer, but It
don't do much good. An the team
don't stand very we'll in stolen
bases. Every time q runner goes
to steal bases he acts as II the
bases belonged to some poor man
an changes his mind.
The Washington times., 1921-09-04

Ans. to an Investor: Yes, we
think Fumigated Air Brake ought
to be good. 1t should be easy tn
protect 1t with a short stop.
The Washington times., 1921-09-04

Danny Graves fell in the reser.
voir last Sunday with his new pep.
per an salt suit on. Danny says
he thought the water needed a lit.
tie seasonin'.
The Washington times., 1921-09-04

The Girls Guild are trimmin' W
the Baptist Church for the peaches
an cream festival Saturday night
The congregation won't get trim
med till the pastor returns from
his vacation.
The Washington times., 1921-09-04

Why are our porous plasters like
q pass for last Sundays ball game?
Because they are good about a
week back.-Benighted Drug Store.
ADV.
The Washington times., 1921-09-04

Hiram Corntassel is ding g-blowed
II he sees any good in these here
collegiate courses in intensive
farmin'. 1t don't take no book
learnin' for him. to know that an
onion is a scentury plant, by heck.
The Washington times., 1921-09-04

verbena Hamfat asserts that the
heavy tragedians are all het up be.
cause the Government is tryin' to
put an embargo on diestuff. Don't
seem at all right, verbeny, say We.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1921-08-03

the very day that a deaf ear is turns
ed to their demands 500 millions are
g~raciously bestowed on the railroads
of the country as a premium for
acknowledgements and thirty-two
million dollars paid to Great Bril-
tain for the carrying of troops to
save her scalp, at the same time she
owes us billions of dollars.
If the President and coterie Of
millionaires that constitute his cab.
met, whose nerve are so acutely
sensitized to every twitch and
twinge of the pocketbook, lead the
Republican party to a reputation
of its promises so lavishly made, to
a denial of the just demands of the
service men, and to substitute a
jugglery of words for deeds, then IL
the soldiers and sailors who have
returned rise in their wrath, and
smash the Republican party. ii
would be but a fate which it justly
deserved.
WILLIAM NJ. HALLAHAN,
$50 Market Street, Perth Amboy,
N. j.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1921-08-03
PUBLIC OPINION
SOLDIERS BONUS

EDITOR EVENING NEWS
The problem of the soldiers bo-
nus or adjusted compensation, is a
problem of fair play-it involves a
proposition of simple justice. The
President of the United States has
assured the responsibility of post
poning action upon a matter that
actually Ger the Nations and
the party's honor. The culpable
breach of faith involved in his pro-
posal finds ready demonstration in
public records.
The Republicans of the nation, as
sembled lin convention in the year
1920, through their chosen spokes-
man, presented to the people and
the soldiers of America a platform
which contained this high sounding
declaration of intent I've hold in
Imperishable remembrance the valor
and the patriotism of the soldiers
and sailors of America who fought
in the great war for human liberty,
and we pledge ourselves to dis
charge to the fullest the obligations
which a grateful nation justly
should fulfill, in appreciation of the
services rendered by it's defenders
on sea and land"
Here was a definite contract, Of
fered as a condition for election to
public office. That President Hard
ing found himself in utter accord
with the platform follows from his
speech of acceptance. THE four
million defenders on land and sea
were worthy of the best traditions
of a people never war-like in peace
and never pacifist in war. They
command our pride. they have u
gratitude, which must have genuine
expression. 1t is not only a duty,
it is q privilege to see that the sac
rifices made shall be requitted, and
disabilities shall be abundantly aid
ed and restored to the highest
liabilities of citizenship and it's en-
His coguarantor of Republican
promises, the distinguished governor
of Massachusetts,, now our vice pres
had this to say upon a SINH
lar occasions: DUTY compels that
those promises, so fully made, that
Perth Amboy evening news., 1921-08-03

presidential reasoning. Taking his
own figures, which are approx
mately correct of four million vete-
rams entitled to compensation of
three billion dollars be accepted as
correct. What then? Does positive
disaster follow? Before we answer
this question, let us travel back in
memory the space of three short
years to July Is, 1918, when the
Germans had begun their fifth drive.
We meet here almost on the ami
versary of time of greatest anxiety
and greatest peril in the entire war.
We disturbed these men in their
business. We took them from their
homes without consulting their
comfort or conveniences, and ship
ped them DER sea to brave the YER
lis of the submarines, endure the
filth and slush and slime of the
trenches the hideous, CHASTITY disso-
luton of no mans land-to all we
brought discomfort, to many death,
meanwhile, for those of us who
stayed at home the var in almost
every case. meant money in u
Perth Amboy evening news., 1921-08-03

pockets and as a matter of fact
we reared a crop of $4,000 new mill
lionaires, the estimated wealth of
this great proud nation today ranges
from $50 to 400 billions of dollars.
and craven indeed is the timid soul
that suggest that the redistribution
of one per cent would bring disaster.
These men were sem forth as they
were told to save a civilization hav-
ing made good their part how
contemplate is the denial of n
per cent of what they saved. To
insinuate that these men who put
their all to hazard in common de-
Tense are now seeking to CONNER
cialize their patriotism is a sugges-
ton as baseless as it is ungrateful.
They would be wanting in manhood
IL they did not protest. If they did
not resent a program that condoncs
the waste of of 600 million dollars
in IN aircraft scandal that allows
billions of dollars of doubt and in
terest to stand with European coun-
tries without an effort being made
to collect the same, and when upon
Perth Amboy evening news., 1921-08-03

out of their sacrifices they should
have a larger life, be speedily re-
deemed, care of dependents in pub
lie service, a helping hand every
where, are theirs not as a favor but
a right. They have conquered the
claim to suitable recognition in all
things. the nation which forgets its
defenders will be itself forgotten"
Contrast, If you will. these prom
ises so definite and specific, so filled
with great program of stutter and
stEliication now offered as a substi-
tute for performance. Within a
year after the presidents speech of
acceptance we find him saying: In
such reference as has been made to
general compensation there has been
Il reservation as to earliest consist
ent time for such action If it is
taken"
What then is the pretext upon
which postponement is sought? The
President says: THE overburdening
of the treasury, now means positive
disaster in the years Immediately
before U.S."
Let us test the soundness of the
Perth Amboy evening news., 1921-08-03

a two weeks visit with his mother,
Mrs. Thomas V. Cottrell.
Mr.. and Mrs. Philip Schulz and
children of Hudson Heights. spent
Monday with Mr.. and Mrs. William
f. Eckhart.
Evart Silcox has returned from a
vacation spent in the Adirondack
mountains and has accepted a posi-
ton with the Peoples National Bank
having formerly been an employe OF
the Matawan bank.
Mrs. Charles Snyder and daugh-
ter. Helen. spent the past week with
relatives at C~heesequake. N. j.
Mr.. and Mrs. Tedious Roberts and
family. who formerly resided on Full
Perth Amboy evening news., 1921-08-03

ton street, have removed to Belford.
Mr.. and Mrs. Charles Snyder enter
tanned Mrs. l.. Barnes of Perth AM
boy, recently.
Norman Snyder of Bloomfield, is
spending a week with his parents.
MIR. and Mrs. Charles Snyder.
Clinton and Edward Wyckoff have
returned from a several weeks trip
in the Adirondacks.
Mrs. Charles Miller has returned
after having been the guest of her
daughter, Mrs. Fred Bronkhurst of
New York.
Henry Salz has returned after hav-
ing been the guest of his sister, Mrs.
Jacob A. King. of Asbury Park.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1921-08-03
KEYPORI

Mr.. and Mrs. Harry Davis, Leonard
Davis, of Oakhurst, and Mr.. and
Mrs. Bert White, of West Long
Branch. were the Sunday guests of
Mr.. and Mrs. William F. Eckhart.
John Matthews is enjoying his an
nual vacation from the Keyport
Banking Company.
Mrs. Vera Page has returned to
her home after having been a pa
tient at the Allenwood Hospital for
several weeks.
Osceola Cottrell returned yester-
day to his home in Avon. Cal. after
Perth Amboy evening news., 1921-08-03

-.npsey says, Nuxated Iron used by him as part of his
training was in his opinion an important factor of his
phenomenal victory over Carpenter as he believes it materi.
ally helped to give him that mighty power to Withstand
Carpenters hardest hits and that it also helped to put
added punch behind his own blows.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1921-08-03

believe IL was an i'm
portant factor in help
ing me to win so easily
my great victory and |
would advise people
who are in a weakened
condition to try this
wonderful strength
and blood builder"
h a man SO
strong and physically
fit as Dempsey uses
Nuxated Iron, how
much more important
is it that thousands
and thousands ofothers
who SO greatly lack
strength,
power and endurance,
should avail them
selves of its benefits.
Nuxated Iron not only
contains strengthening
organic iron for the
purpose of enriching
the blood but it also
contains the principal
IN constituents
OF active living nerve
force in a form which
most nearly
that in the brain and
nerve cells of man SO
that Nuxated Iron may
be said to be both a
blood and q nerve food.
If through worry, over
work. constant ner-
Perth Amboy evening news., 1921-08-03

vous strain, grief or too much excitement
your blood has become impoverished and your
nerve force exhausted, you will find that a
short course of Nuxated Iron will often pro-
duce most surprising results. 1t has been used
and highly endorsed by former United States
Senators, Members of Congress, Judges of
of United States Courts and many prominent
people; even Rome having highly endorsed
its use. 1t is now being used by over 1000, 900
people annually.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1921-08-03
THE
u. S. NOBBY TREAD

Where the going is specially heavy
with snow, mud or sand, in billy
country where maximum traction on
the road is a factor, no other tire tread
yet devised is quite so effective, or so
wholly approved by motoring opin-
ion, as the U. S. Nobby Tread.
Its very simplicity-three rows of
diagonal knobs, gripping the road
is the result of all the years Of U. S.
Rubber experience with every type
Of road the world over.
The Londonderry sifter. (South Londonderry, Vt.) 1883-19??, 1921-06-23
MONTEvIDEO CHI Or hos
Display Unrivafed in Any Other Part
OF the World, According to
Veteran Traveller.

But the gardens! And the flowers!
Never have l seen in any part of the
world such marvellous exhibitions of
towering plants and shrubs, native and
exotic, as are found about the homes
and quintaS Of the MontevideanS. They
surpass in profusion and exu,.s~ance
even those Of Rio de Janeiro. and that
is saying very much indeed California
is justly famed as d flowerland So is
the French Riviera. But l have never
seen in either of these favored re-
gions of Flora such gorgeous displays
of bloom as | have witnessed III and
around Uruguay's magnificent canitaI.
With backgrounds Of palm, orange,
myrtle, magnolia, bamboo, mimosa,
alternating with the native praise
and umbu trees and the Aust ALLAN
eucalyptus, one finds beds Of pansies,
carnations, margUerites and lilies, to-
geiher with hedges of lilac ard gueI-
derroe and cineraria, while walls and
houses are covered with multi-colore8
dranerieS Of wistaria, honey-sucklee
BOugainvillea and numerous other
creepers of every form and hue.
It is, however, in their roses that the
MOntevideans take their greatest pride.
They are found everywhere, n private
gardens and in public parks. in ciumps
and hedges, trained to trellises and coli
umns, or falling in showers over walls
and ratings. But nowhere are thew
seen to such advantage as in the +
Parque Urbano and in Paseo del Prad0
those exquisite pleasure grounds Of
the national capital. Here there are
no less than 800 varieties of roses COLI
lected from every cline. The rose:
bushes themselves number many thou
sands. The casual observer would
say there are myriads of item. They
are distributed with the most exquisite
taste, and their care, as one sees at
glance. is for the gardeners a labor
Of love.-From Through south Amerf-
cas- Southland" by DR.. J. A. Zahm.i