The Birmingham age-herald., 1921-06-08
Andrew and Imogene
ny ROE rULkERsoN

1mogene laid down her paper and remarked T knew it"
 "of course, you knew it." agreed Andrew. You could have told any one the way he was carrying on that the courts would have to undo the parsons job. Who is getting di- vorce now?"
 If you jumped at your work like you do at your conclusions you would be a rich man in five years," replied EImogene with sarcasm. T see by the paper here that the federal bu- reau of labor has made a careful in- vestigation and now brings nn a re- port that living costs more than it used to-"
 "Too bad! Too badt" calculated Andrew. T had hoped that the ru- nor about the high cost of living might not have been confirmed. I had prayed that the result of this government investigation would show that it was only imagination"
 "It would have been So nice if this report had shown that the pork chops that I used to buy three pounds for a quarter were still sell ing for that amount, and the butcher who now charges me 50 cents d pound was a mere light and airy fil- ament of a dreaml
 But alas, alas, twas ever thus ; since childhoods hour I've seen my fondest hopes fall buttered side down. 1 have never loved a young hope, but what a cutworm withered it in the bud. I had yearned for this report like baby pollywog yearns for the time when it will shed it's tail, and now that it is in I find that the coal man who once sold me real coal for s a ton and now charges me $14.25 for a conglomAration of slate and cinders is a living, breath ing reality. instead of tne hasheesh fantasy I hoped he would prove.
 Woe is mel Woe is me. Woe! Woe! Whoa! I have soothed my soul with the hope that when this report came in. I would realize that all though I once bought real hen eggs three dozen for quarter, the cold 1 storage, chilled to- tn cir embryonic gizzard kind I now pay 40 cents a dozen for, were the result Of oyer indulgence in golden bucks welsh rabbits and rink-tum -diddies, Tt is perfectly marvellous how these government investigators work. John L. Sullivan or Paul Law rcnue Dunbar said: Tn human works. though labored on with pains, a thousand movements scarce one purpose gains and the author lived in these days of investigation by government experts he would have scratch the Human Works and en tered Government to run instead and would have won.
 The ordinary rough neck layman would have gone down to the mar ket house and priced the stuff and thought he then knew the difference in the cost of living; but the gov ernment experts collect statistics on the fall crop of alfalfa. the amount Of tannic acid in beer. the reason crab has no long. curly tail, and then by diffenential calculus tell us that It costs more to live now than it used to.
 When red-shirted pirate cruis- ing up the alleys in an ice. wagon, with the skull and crossbones flying lat the masthead of the wagon. charges me 25 cents for a piece of ice the size of the largest diamond in your dinner ring, think back A few summers ago when I paid a nickel for a piece of ice big enough to fill the refrigerator, and believe that the price of ice has gone up. But not so with government ex- pert. He would take>>the tempera- ture of the water in the Kennebec river where there used to be ice. and tfen deduce that mint Juleps should be served in a chafing dish" l Andrew" said Imogene. pardon me for interrupting you, but who is this Tariff. and why is he for reve- nue only?'
 Andrew stared at her in amaze ment for moment while she grinned limpudently in his face and then re- eumed his paper with a sigh