The Brookings register. [volume] (Brookings, Brookings County, S.D.) 1903-1971, 1921-12-29

They are deserving people, and you
feel it a duty to help them along, so
the first thing you know your mail box
Is jammed full of literature. Having
paid for it, you feel that you ought to
read it, and your life is ruined thereby.
when l was young, the magazines
tried to entertain people. They had
good stories and a Poets Corner, and a
department devoted to timely jokes,
and another to household hints and do
nestle recipes. There was some sense
In reading a magazine then. for 1t
sOOthed and sustained you. But now
adays the magazine editors consider 1t
their duty to harrow. your soul and
make your hair stand on end like
quilts upon the porkful %fretcupine, or
words to that effect. They are always
viewing with alarm, and trying to con-
vince you that you take your life In
your hand every five minutes.
"They have a lot Of health special
lists writing for them, and these health
sharps point out that pretty near ev-
erything you eat and drink is q deadly
poison. They didn't scare me to any
great extent, for l I'M n most intrepid
man, but they soon had my wife so
was going or coming.
81 always was ~passionately fond Of a
good cup of coffee, and my wife could
make the best coffee, you ever heard
of. She went to work at 1t like q
learned a~pothecary compromising a
prescription. There was no guess
work about it. She took an honest
pride In 1t, and her coffee was a reve-
latiOn to every consumer. / used to lie
awake at night wishing 1t was break
fast time, so / could have my morning
cup of coffee.
but one morning when l went to
the table the coffee was missing. In
its place there was a sickly beveragel
had never seen before. / asked an ex-
PLANTATION, and my wife said that no
more coffee would be made in u
house. The wonder is said she, that
we still live and move and have our be-
Ing. for coffee is a rank poison. If you
read DR.. Zinkfoogle's article In the
Junkopolitan Magazine, you will see
that coffee contains a large percentage
of tannin, which is so deadly that II
you place a drop on the tongue of an
alligator, it will roll over, dead"
81 told ner that / had nc alligators
on the premises, and consequently could
not try the experiment, but l assured
her that l didn't care anything about
the poison. l wanted my coffee at
regular hours. She said Ia have TO
keep on wanting. She thought too
much of me to send me to an untimely
grave. And, anyhow, she explained
DR.. ZinkfOOgle had told how to make a
substitute for coffee that was perfect
ly wholesome. She had followed his
instructions, and the result was before
me. Perhaps it didn't taste as good as
coffee, but it was wholesome. 1t would
fill nv veins with red ~cOrpuScles and
restore hair to my bald head. 1t was
made of marrOwfat peas which a
been carefully roasted in a hot oven.
"In order to get a cup Of coffee after
that / had to make a sneak to the
chop house, and the kind dished up
there made me old before my time. My
wife cut out all my favorite dishes be-
cause DR.. Zinkfoogle or some other
magazine writer denounced them, n
finally / was living on roasted peas
coffee and boiled spinach, and con
cluded that If / had to feed like the
COWS I'd live like them, so / came to
the forest Businesses"