davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1921-10-23

WYE have often wondered what
W. the criminals and lesser
violators of the laws used
to do in the days before the movies
were invented, when 1t was impos-
sible for them to declare that they
learned their wickedness and got
their first hints and training In
wrongdoing from witnessing the
movies.
Did they simply say, in those
days, i've got no excuse"
They did not!
The old "alibi" was somewhat
different, but never down and out.
Our historian has unearthed the
following confessions" Of quar-
ter Of a century ago:
SECOND-STORY WORKER II
never would have taken up the pro-
fession of porch-climbing and sec
ond-story working had It not been
for the evil influence of the circus.
was a regular patron Of every
circus, and as result began to
emulate the acrobats and contor-
tionists. 1t was not long before
was an expert and could literally
climb up the side of house. Natur-
ally, ! could not waste such talents.
and so began climbing porches and
entering homes, reaping a rich har-
vest. I attribute my downfall to
the circus"
GANGSTER-"It is true that /
am a gangster, soulless, cruel, dis
honest, murderous. In my youth |
was an innocent, home-loving lad
until on an evil day copy Of The
Count of Monte Cristo' fell into my
hands. devoured It, word for
word, over and over, until craved
adventure and action. found what
| craved In joining a gang; before
long I was leader Of the gang, with
more crimes to my credit than there
The Washington times., 1921-10-23

Dear Otto-I bought a 40.horse-
power automobile and the darn
thing hasn't worked right since l
got It. It doesn't seem to have any
power, as ! haven't been able to get
more than fifteen miles per hour
out Of It. Don't you think a car of
this horsepower should give me
more speed7-Amos Skeeter.
Ans.-You're right, Amos. Look
your engine over carefully; maybe
thirty-nine Of the forty horses have
the heaves.
The Washington times., 1921-10-23
By Roy K. Moulton
Registered U. .. rsssai ofiies.

well. you see. sword fish some
times get hungry and they are very
fond OF canned tuna fish. Well.
they bore through the side OF q
battleship and hunt around in the
pantry at night until they find
some canned tuna fish and they set
down and open the cans with their
sword and, .-........ .-....
Henry. stop lying to that child"
well. then. you tell him"
That's all do all week long Is
tell him things. You get one day
Of It and you're as mad as a hor-
net"
paw, what's them little bits OF
fish, Paw?"
"Them's minnies."
What do they call 'em Minnies
fer, PawT
"They was named after a Ger
man girl named Minnie who discuv-
cred them In the Bay Of Funday in
1913 and
Henry ....,...
well, gotta alibi this kid
some way. Come on now, we're
going home"
why. Henry, we have only been
around three times"
81 feel like l been on a Cooks
tour of Europe"
Paw, willya"-
"No!"
Henry, let's take a boat ride
over to the Statute OF Liberty"
THE Statute of Liberty amt no
place for a married man like me-
Paw, willya take us on the boat,
Paw?"
"The only boat you'll go on to-
day is the Broadway express. Now
beat it for the station"
Henry, don't yank that child
that way. What's the rush,"
81 wanta get home before you
and Willie run out of conversa-
ton"
Paw, willya"-
"Close your pan and come
along"
Henry, don't walk so fast. I'm
all outa breath"
Fine"
The Washington times., 1921-10-23

Now keep still. both of you. and
beat 1t for the subway"
Henry, don't walk so fast. II
you do you gotta carry Willie.
Anyhow this amt no Marathon"
Paw, what's a Marathon, Paw"
"It's talkin' match like your
mother can pull off. Ask mother.
she knows"
81 don't suppose there will be
gentleman in the train that will git
up and give me a seat, Henry"
"You oughta know that by this
time. You sure travel enough"
well, here's the train. Great
grief, it's packed"
The Washington times., 1921-10-23
POETRY

Riding in the Subway.
IOUNCING up and down,
y Squeaking round the
curves,
Underneath the town
lawful on the nerves.!
Packed closer than sar-
3, dimes, ~
Everybody squirms;
Hats smashed on our
beans
(Car filled up with
germs)!
Why should people kick?
Why should people talk?
We know they are thick
-lThey can pay or walk)!
- :
Fate is very tickle,
This the circumstance
We will take your nickel
(You will lake a
chance !
-Woodbine Lea.
The Washington times., 1921-10-23
Taking the Family to the Aquarium

there" Nb....'
Jaw you'll get seat at Times
Square. A lotta people get of
there."
"Yes. Fifteen get off and nifty
six get on"
"well, stop yer kickin'. Do you
want to spoil this whole trip?"
"This trip was spoiled when you
began talking about It."
well, here we are. Now you
two look around and I'll set down
here by the door,"
you'll do nothing of the sort.
The Washington times., 1921-10-23

Do you think me and Willie want
to get lost?"
How you going to get lost in
this joint2 It's a round building
without no corners. All you gotta
do is to keep going around and
around and after you been around
twenty-seven times You begin to
feel like Volstead don't make no
: difference. whatever" .., -..
THAT oughta be nuts for you.
Henry. Come along. You'll enjoy
it, I know
Paw. where's them sea lines,
Paw7"
There amt only one. There he
is right in that big tank"
Paw, what makes him keep
swimmin' all the time fer, Paw"
You kin ask more questions
than an income tax blank. He
keeps swimmin' all the time be-
cause he keeps wiggling his tail.
That's the big reason. II he didn't
wag his tail he wouldn't swim,
would he?'
Henry, stop nagging that poor
child"
"Naggin' HIM, well, for the Iowa
Pete. His tongue has been going
like an airplane propeller ever
since we left home. It's hung In
the middle and is loose al both
ends"
You ort to be ashamed OF your
self, Henry Doaks, and he is our
only child. You don't love Willie"
II wouldn't take million dollars
for him, but wouldn't give a
nickel for another one"
Paw, what's the fish with the
long nose, Paw"
That's a sword fish,"
What's sword fish, Paw"
That's one. That's what it is.
Give IL a look"
why's he got such a long nose
fer, Paw?"
That's his sword. He can bore
right through the side of a battle
ship with that sword"
Paw, why does he want to bore
through the side of battleship fer,
Paw?"
The Washington times., 1921-10-23
A Movie Alphabe4

4 is for actors who think they're the cheese.
\ is for bunk" the press-agent whesze.
- is for Closeup" to give stars more glory.
D is for director. who mangles the story.
E is for "evil" the sweet girl combats.
is for funny-man kicked in the Stats.
is for glycerne. that makes the Lice 'tears"
H is for hero. who gets all the cheers.
is for Iris TO prolong the clinch.
is for jewels that make plots cinch.
X is for kiss that ends the last reel.
L is for love the villain would steal.
M is for money that comes to the star.
N is for nature the censors all bar.
o is for OH! which the fans oft exclaim.
is for plots (which are mostly the same.
@ is for queen" who may be evil or good.
R is for right" which wins, as It should.
S is for stunts" which thrill every
T is for tricky which is how they are done.
U is for ultra" (gowns the vamps wear).
is for virtue" which wins by hair.
WIS for "wedlock"-the lovers are tied.
X marks the spot where the groom kissed the bride.
Y is for you, and also for me.
q Is for zest with which we agree
& swear that movies are sure good to see!
The Washington times., 1921-10-23
Drags form the Old Pine

STvHEF she is waIlns-Nsws item
EEeaDty he was ErsSn hand and
Musician insulting goes workhoussNevs tsm
Well he's used to facing the music.
prontssr kind q believes all s.sero.
the other side
Russian caviar announced recently
a lifting girl and yet they
evnce real pity when about
Germany Ignores Charlie Chspin-Headne
No doubt expense Of
greatest comedian OF them ar-the Kaiser
rains but particularly
pour It into the streets
The sharp enough
to see it.
-
The cellar place they keep stove only
they make nre-waer there instead.
The a place dog died the
other day and its him thousand dollar
all which
of elaton that they weren't the question
the
swing Of his wife's right
IDENTIFY copped in tho act
we've whose les ambition
the role Hamlet venture Of em think tragedy
of horse laugh
merely they
habit of riding their husbands the leas: provocaon
beating up evidently
made use Of his club
Reducing is a question o. great
Green % be by women.-Fash,on note.
Could call this the wearin' Of the green7
The Washington times., 1921-10-23

Dear Otto--I bought an 1895 Snail
automobile a few months ago and
1t doesn't seem to work quite right.
To begin with. ! have been unable
to find the carburetor. have
searched everywhere for 1t, and
have even employed several detec-
tives to see II they can find It, but
in vain. have finally come to the
conclusion that this fachine does
not have a carburetor, because when
| run 1t It spits something terrible.
What would you advise me to dof-
stuns.
The Washington times., 1921-10-23

An average Of 200 bun
dies are lost on our trains
every day. We endeavor
to return them. And 200,-
900 tempers are lost in
our trains every day. We
should worry!
The Washington times., 1921-10-23
ANSWERS

I'D. = When the guard
II shouts "SPLENDUX-
TSST!" what does he
mean?
Ans.-Only an imbecile
could fail to understand
that. He is calling Times
Square.
The Washington times., 1921-10-23

EAR OTTo-I bought a beau
l. tiful new car, and at times
she works like a top. 1t
seems. however, that every time I
get in the vicinity of my home the
engine starts to knock and causes
me quite a lot OF embarrassment
How can I remedy this?-George
Cash.
Ans.-That knocking "a hard to
remedy. 1t is the echo OF Jealous
neighbors as you pass their homes.
Dear 0tto-Can a fellow buy his
tires cheaper from a mail-order
house7-Frank Boob. .'
Ans.-Yes; most Of these mail.
The Washington times., 1921-10-23
No News Stand
Will Sell 1t!
EXTRA!
TESTIMONIAL FROM
Mr.. I. M. KIDDING

NIX. l. M. KIDDING
A FFIDAVIT - Know all
"A men by these presents,
that |, Mr.. I. NJ. kidding,
being Of sound mind and
able to judge, do herein
testify that on the eighth
inst. of the tenth month
of the year 1921, did
secure a seat on the sub
way in the following man
ner, to wit:
/ rode to the end OF the
line on October 4, 1921.
and disguised myself as a
guard by means of a cap,
remained on the train un-
til it started back, where
upon | slid into a seat be-
fore the crowd got in at
the first station. And l
retained this seat three
stations before a fat
woman squeezed me out.
Whereupon l claim the
long-distance subway seat
C h a m p on s h ip of the
worlds subway system
and defy any other living
subway passenger to prove
that he or she ever had a
seat, in the subway for
three stations.
l. M. KIDDING.
The Washington times., 1921-10-23
<T TENRY, are you going to
take me and Willie to
- the Aouariumo"

Ss&hO Aho thhu w ihiO w
the Aquarium
mo, / amt. l am going to stay
home and read the papers. You
can see enough fish around here
without going to the Aquarium"
But I get tired Of looking at you
all the time, Henry"
Paw, what is an Aquarium,
Paw"
tits a place where they keep
fish, Willie"
What do they keep fish there
fer, Paw"
$50 a lot of other poor fish can
go and rubber at EN-"
Henry. Willie amt never been
to the Aquarium. We been count
ing on 1t all week." 30 L
"Old stuff. You pull that one
every time. Put on a new record"
We'll. you're going to take us
to-day, just the same. Henry
Doaks."
"Now, Madge. have a heart"
"Paw, you ain'N took us nowhere
since we went on the Fift' avenue
bust. VIII you get me some lemon
pop to the Aquarium, Paw"
mo, won't fer two reasons.
One is that they don't have no
lemon pop to the Aquarium, and
the other is that you amt going.
nohow, so shut up your trap"
Henry. If you swear at that
child again, ZIP
Paw, do they have Goldfish to
the Aquarium 1 like Goldfish,
Paw"
"Yes-no-oh, thunder, don't
know. Close your pan, willya%
Henry Doaks, you amt took us
nowhere in a dogs age and you
gotta take us today"
what do they have to the
Aquarium, Paw"
"Sea lines"
paw, wot's a sea line, Paw"
"It's q line that lives in the sea.
II has got horns like a COW and 1t
hollers like dog and It has got
four legs and It is libel to bite your
head off, and 1t has got a long
name like reglar line and 1t can
read the newspapers and count up
to 5,762 and"-
Henry, stop lying to that poo,
child. Now get your hat on and
let's go"
f"Oh, aw right. / might as well
20 as to sit here and chew the fat
all day about it."
"Paw, what do you mean by
chewing the fat, Paw"
THAT means lot of chatter like
wimmen and little kids kin pull off
when the old man wants to read
the newspaper"
Henry, are you coming with Us
or not?"
Were off. We gotta go clear
to South Ferry. II amt only about
ten miles in the subway, and this
is a nice time to go, too, when
everybody is travelling"
Paw, willya get me a hot dog
10 the Aquarium, PawH"
They don't have dogs to the
Aquarium. They have fish,"
You kin get dogs right in the
park outside, Henry. seen 'em
there the time we took the boat to
Coney."
The Washington times., 1921-10-23

II any ticket chopper
fails to collect your fare,
report to us. We will fire
the chopper and collect
the nickel without extra
charge to you!
The Washington times., 1921-10-23

Ed.-Si-How can any
one get a seat in the sub
way?
Ans.-Go down in any
subway station at 4 a. m.
and sit in one of the
settees in the subway
station.
The Washington times., 1921-10-23

When a man falls head over
heels in dove with a girl it's time
for, the prohibition agents to ar
rest him for intoxication.
The Washington times., 1921-10-23

Woman was made for Adam to
fill a long felt want, and, believe
us, woman sees to It that we feel
as miserable as she wants us to.
The Washington times., 1921-10-23

Our tickets are green, to
match our patrons, who
are silly enough to think
that the ticket entities
them to a seat!
The Washington times., 1921-10-23
Walls of a Benedict

TvEN though the Geologic Sur
r. vey doesn't make mention of
it, Reno is the great divide
nevertheless.
The Washington times., 1921-10-23

Marriage is a game OF put and
take. The man puts his signature
on a marriage license giving the
wife the right to take his weekly
salary for life.
The Washington times., 1921-10-23

Ed.-How many more
people would get subway
seats if you got an eight
cent fare?
Ans.-Your part is to
pay your nickel and hang
on a strap-not ask silly
questions.
The Washington times., 1921-10-23

NO OTHER TRANSIT
SYSTEM in the world
prints an alibi publication
for the edification and
misinformation of its vic
Tins!
The Washington times., 1921-10-23

In his weak moments a bachelor
may pine for home Of his own,
but the chances are he'd rather
pine a week or two than repine
forever after.
The Washington times., 1921-10-23

1t is 37,OO0,Oo0,O0O miles
to the moon. but we have
not extended our lines
that far as yet.
The Washington times., 1921-10-23
Our Own Queries Column

Ans.-If you car spits too much
I advise trying some other brand Of
tobacco.
The Washington times., 1921-10-23
Z: t:,i; ss' Ube $crubway SUN y; SH H' ;:I ';i' III
Our rfleto-'You pay and stand and We do the resn'

In all the years we have
been running the subway
we have never collided
with an automobile!
The Washington times., 1921-10-23

NO OTHER TRANSIT
SYSTEM in the world pro-
vides as many straps as
our own!
The Washington times., 1921-10-23

Fools jump into marriage
where wise men fearfully tread
their way. But once they're
hooked both get the same results.
The Washington times., 1921-10-23

Brides Of feather fleece their
husbands Of their freedom to-
gether.
The Washington times., 1921-10-23

Thanks to the latest fashions
man can usually see through a
woman these days.
The Washington times., 1921-10-23

order houses make fat prices on all
their tires.
The Washington times., 1921-10-23

We don't know why they call it
the bark of matrimony when a ship
is especially equipped to weather
q storm.
The Washington times., 1921-10-23

Love and justice are blind, and
what a lot of stuff is put over on
both.
The Washington times., 1921-10-23

Even though a girl is on good
terms with her beau she makes up
nightly just the same.
The Washington times., 1921-10-23

After we get the Scent
fare we shall demand a
10-cent fare to enable US
to build more STANDING
ROOM for you!
The Washington times., 1921-10-23
It's a Shine
Publication!
IF ANYONE
SHOULD ASK YOU

ENOUGH shoe leather Is
Il worn out in our sub
way trains to make leath-
er medals for every sucker
in the world!
The Washington times., 1921-10-23

We charge you nothing
for reading the pretty. ad.
cards in our trains!
The Washington times., 1921-10-23

Copyright 1921 by Star Co Great Britain Rights Reserved
The Washington times., 1921-10-23

Green shoes to be worn by women.-Fash'on note
Could We call this the wearin Of the green7
The Washington times., 1921-10-23

Reducing s question Of great weight with fat
The Bridgeport times and evening farmer., 1921-07-20
Charter Members
 Get Third Rank

The charter members of Col. Harry Cutler lodge, No. TT. Knights of Pythias, received their third rank on Thursday evening of last week. The ceremonies were conducted by Speed well lodge of waterbury in the pres ence of over 200 Knights. who ex- pressed keen satisfaction with the exhibition drill of the guard, and the other many features of the evening. A buffet lunch was served.
 Col Cutler lodge derives it name from Colonel Harry Cutler. of Provi- dence, R. T., who died in France while in the performance of his du- ties as chairman of the Jewish Vel fare Board during the late world war
 Thursday evening at K. of F. hall corner Main and Cannon streets, at S:30 o'clock, a special meeting of the lodge will be held for the transaction of important business, and all mem bers are asked to attend.
 With the beginning of the fall ac- tivities, Colonel Cutler lodge will have the installation of it's officers, and arrangements have been made for the John Hay lodge of Hartford to come here in a body on that oc- caSiOn.
The Bridgeport times and evening farmer., 1921-07-20
FINE RESULT WITH OIL.

Honolulu, H. T.. July 20-The chaulmoogra oil specific for leprosy and it's method of use, perfected In Hawaii and in the KAlihI leper sta- ton here, are to be introduced in the leper colonies of Java
 Dr. c. D. de Langen, lecturer at the Netherlands government medical school fin Batavia, Java paused here recently on his way to Batavia after a year of featuring at the University of Amsterdam. He characterized re- suits obtained, Illustrated in the re- lease of scores of former lepers on parole, as splendid.
 Dr. de Langen added that the method of administering injections of the specific developed here had re- duced pain to a minimum and thus eliminated one of the great obstacles to successful treatment of iepers,
The Bridgeport times and evening farmer., 1921-07-20
Clergy Are Vigorous In
 Criticism

Washington, July 19.-Attorney General Daugherty will be asked to reconsider an opinion by his prede- cessor which outlawed wholesale H. o,1or dealers. This became known today, after formal appeal by rep resentatives of the clergy was filed, asking for a review of the opinion as ia ras 1t relates to the distribution or sacram ental wines.
 The entire question of the status Of wholesale liquor dealers. therefore under the so called "pernissive" pro visions of the Volstead law ,will De reopened
 The clergy. representing many de- nominations, was vigorous in its cr1ti- cism of present regulations Their earnest plea that they be less restrict ed in obtaining sacramental wines, Tn renuired quantities for different cer- en9ories. " noa promise from prohi- bitfon heads for a material mod1r1ca- ton of the rules now in force.
The Bridgeport times and evening farmer., 1921-07-20
FOREIGN TRADE
 OF JAPAN DECLINES
Marked Falling Off of Ex- ports From Tokio and Yokohama Deplored By Nippon Trade Boards.
By DUKE N. PARRY, International News Service Staff Cor
 respondent.

International News Service Staff Cor
 respondent.
 Yokohama, July 20.---GeneraI opin- ions that the foreign trade of Japan was the most disastrous last year that it has been since the opening of the ports of Japan to foreign commerce and trade were expressed at the an- nual meeting of the Yokohama and Tol<io Foreign Boards of Trade here recently.
 The total trade of Japan for 1920, according to Mir I. Bickart, chairman of the Yokohama-Tokio Foreign Board of Trade, was 4,2S4,569,392 yen, as against ,271.057,O00 yen for 1919. Of this 1,94S,S94,611 yen represents exports and 2.336,174,7s1 yen imports. the excess of imports over exports be- ing 387,780,170 yen. As compared with 1919 exports exhibit a decrease increase of 162,714,9o1 yen.
 The articles which have exhibited most notable slumps in 1920 were: Raw silk, peas and beans, copper, starch, atcfles, silk fabrics, woolen fabrics, leather manufactures, ho- siery zinc. beer, paper, hats and caps. tea and iron---an given in the com narrative order of their decreases
 Raw silk, from 4,600 yen to 1,1oo yen.
 Habutai, from 35 yen to II yen-
 F1sh oil, from 30 yen to 14 yen
 Menthol, from 37 yen to 13 yen
 Camphor. from 750 yen to 200 yen.
 Cotton yarn E20), from e62.5o yen to 3S0 yen-
The Bridgeport times and evening farmer., 1921-07-20
Chief Justice Taft To Be
 Postmaster

Cincinnati, O.. July 20-Wiiliam H. Taft, former president and now chief justice of the Supreme court oi fba Tinted States, will be a toast master at the annual dinner of the Am erican Bar Association meetins here in his home town August 50 to September g.
 this occasion will be Sir John simon of London, former British secretary of state for home affairs. John ". Davis, ex-ambassador to Great Brit ain, and former U. s. Senator Charles S. Thomas of Colorado.
The Bridgeport times and evening farmer., 1921-07-20
assA,'ga1
 ssS

The spacious, light and airy third floor is at tractive with yard goods for summer wear. Thin organdies and voiles, ginghams and silk foul ards, crepes and tissues, as well as many ultra modish silks for sports wear.
 The pattern counter is spread with the latest style books and has, pat terms which are so sim pie and plain a veritable novice could have no trouble.
 Printed patterns are available for all styles of garments for men, wom- en and children.
 At present there is a special in Crepe de Chimes. Four pieces, ivory, pink, flesh color and white. This is forty inches wide, and selling at
 With patterns one may make up an indefi- nite number of dainty garments of this lovely fabric.