davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-01-06
JANUARY 6, 1871
People of the Nation Expect
BETTING Inaugural Ceremonies
~ Carries. eos AoatA b. Man. sisss . Ys.4
By BILL PRICE.

Any action which will restrict BETTING inaugural oere
monies for the incoming President will be distinct dis
appointment to the people of the nation The who
made the verdict strong in November will expect that
their choice Of Chief Executive shall be indicted into office
under circumstances that will their interest and
patriotic zeal.
The difference between the days of Jefferson and
is that the nation in these days brought close together
by telegraph and newspapers and that rapid ranspora
ton enables hundreds of thousands to personally view
inaugural If Mr.. Jefferson rode to the Capitol horse
and hitched it to fence outside while he took the oath
Of office 1t not necessarily from choice that his naugu
ration simple There no way crowds could
have been brought here and daily convey
a thrilling story to the people.
The day after modern inaugurations of Presidents,
millions Of people turn to their daily newspapers read
every detail and they do not begrudge reasonable expend
lures that the might and power of the nation may be
evidenced in the kaleidoscope pictures of the great
wildly laid before them by the best descriptive writer's
of the country Later the motion pictures lay it all reast
caly before them. They would resent kngy pomp, but
greatly enjoy the democratic simplicity of the most
brilliant ceremonies. 1t is their President who is being
honored and they want the job well done Extravaganza
is nowhere called for desired in the program of the
local inaugural committee.
1t is meet and proper that the thousands who come
here and the millions away from here who it all
through their home newspapers shall have to
regard the ceremonies cheap and insignificant to
detract from the dignity of the occasion
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-01-06
FROM THE PUBLIC
BURIAL OF A SOLDIER


On Thursday, December 80, a young man was
buried in Mt. olvet Cemetery who had been a
member OF the District national guards and who
died in France in September 1918. There was
not one soldier present at the burial services Of
this hero and the absence Of any military escort
was very noticeable by the few friends of the
young soldier who were present When the
bodies OF the soldiers who died in France are re-
turned for burial in the Arlington Cemetery a
military escort is provided, but some OF the par
ents desire that their boys be buried in the fam
lily burial plot in the various cemeteries, and II
seems only fitting and proper that some sort of
military escort be provided in these cases.
An editorial by you sometime ago on the SUBJ
ject Of escorting the corpses to Arlington for
burial caused an interest to be taken In this
noble work by the American Legion, the Red
Cross and the d. A. r., and am sure were you
to write an editorial on this subject that inter
est would be taken in this last tribute that we
can pay to the dead heroes, and that he Amer
lean Legion would see 1t that these returned
bodies were provided with a military escort
JOHN w. DYER
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-01-06
HE LIKES HIMSELF.

DEAR MISS FAIRFAX:
I am young man in my senior year college.
tall, considered handsome, can dance play the
piano, and have many accomplishments that the
average youth lacks. Am very fond Of the OPP
posite sex.
have met many a nice girl during my three
years in Washington, but, alas, IT comes now
I have met the girl. and she leads me
merry chase. She Is young society belle with
more money than brains, and naturally Graves
variety. I have fallen helplessly in love with
this mortal, but she no doubt thinks more of her
good times and teas. etc, than Of me. Sho
knows Of my unselfish love and try as l may, IL
don't do any good. have left her
different occasions, and Away have wandered
back through her promise to be more attentive
to me, but It seems she goes into these fits
almost too often How can l cure herr
CLARENCE.
am sure the young lady would not feel com
plimented by your description of her. AMI
surprised that you haven't more brains than to
fall for a girl of this type You seem to have
used them on your many accomplishments. How
ever, you know we'll as I do that a senior
in college is never serious in his love affairs
Che never should be).
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-01-06
g. -
FROM PAUL WHITE.

POINTERS FROM PAUL WHITE.
Fellow waste-basket dodgers!
Do you realize that we grab OF
more publicity through H and
than many members OF Congress
are able to get?
II the cakes will recall what
Congress. did to the coal. meat.
clothing, and other proflteers they
won't worry much about going to
the rock pile.
Congress is evidently holding
back the bonus until the dollar Is
worth a dollar.
Hubby got mad because I burned
the supper while reading H and S.
HELEN.
He-would you scream II kissed
you?
She'd hate to brighten mother.
JUST ME-.
The Democratic National Commit
tee is going to meet at a dinner on
Saturday, January 8. The repast
will be frugal-simply crow. 1t
won't be "Old Crow" either, because
that enjoys the protection Of the
Volstead forbidden game act.
F. VErTER.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-01-06
HOW TO DO IT.

DEAR MISS FAIRFAX:
OF late / have had a great many occasions
to make the acquaintance Of strangers and feel
at a loss to know exactly what to say in ac-
Acknowledgement of the introduction, also the
proper thing to say when leaving
Quaintances.
Also. Is 1t proper for to EXCUSE their
glove" when shaking hands. II on the street?
viii greatly appreciate answers to above in
Quiries. blonde.
Say: "1Iow do you do. Mr.. Jones'" Or, II
you really pleased. say 81 am honored. Mr..
JONES'" or II delighted" II am very
pleased to have this opportunity"
2-It Is not necessary to ask pardon for wear
ing gloves unless they are out-of-place. Re
moving the glove before shaking hands Is an
affectation
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-01-06

in the ony way possible among saw
age nations-BY BEATING HER
ANNIVERSARIES. The next step
will be trade with Russia-England
is eager for it. That Russian trade
would help business in every corner
of the earth, including the United
States. When you tell one hundred
and eighty million Russians that
you won't sell them anything, you
are apt to find yourself OVER
STOCKED with goods.
Filters for the army compete in an
endurance test-the honor to the
man who stays up in the air longest,
with no one to relieve him at his
machine. Lieutenant Kirkpatrick
set the worlds record by remaining
in the air eighteen hours and four
minutes. He would have stayed
longer but for a gas leak.
1t is probably necessary to know
Just what man can endure at high
altitude under a nervous strain and
for how long. But once the facts
are ascertained that should be
enough. To submit men to such
tests, which thousands of young
Americans can endure if necessary,
is to weaken the constitution and
diminish the power Of the individual
tested, making him worthless in case
of actual war.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-01-06
Various Things

~ EVELATIONS in the coal
thievery show that one patriot
~ who got one dollar a year
from the Government for three
years, THREE DOLLARS IN ALL,
combined with an army captain and
another official and STOLE on the
side $4,000 from consumers by
using private Government informa-
ton.
There were quite a few of those
dollar-a-year patrioteers among the
many earnest and honest men who
sacrificed time and interests in the
Government service. You could
usually tell the dollar-a-year pa
trioteer by his earnestness in show
ing you he was sacrificing his own
interests for his beloved country,
etc. The beloved country ought to
find places in Jail for few of these
gentlemen, but probably won't.
After the aircraft scandal, anything
is possible, and with impunity.
Russia now has no wars to re-
port anywhere. Her wireless send
ing war news to the receiving sta
tons of all Europe is silent. Russia,
for the time being, has ended war
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-01-06
Americans and Russians
Both ALLOU for Wilson


and his acts in uniting with the i'm
perialistic governments of Europe to
blockade Russia, starving her wom-
en- and children, her aged and dying,
denying them even medicine, be-
cause they refused to accept a mill
tary dictator chosen to rule over
them by other governments;
Mr.. Wilson's reputation of his
own solemn promises: He assured
Labor that the Lever act would not
be used against workers, but only
to control Spectators in food or
fuel. Then, at the first opportunity
he ordered it used against miners
who had struck for seventy cents a
ton increase in wages, but he refused,
and still refuses, to use the law
against coal operators and specula-
tors who have raised coal prices
more than seven dollars ton;
Mr.. Wilson's veto of the joint res
olution of Congress reviving the
War Finance Corporation for the
purpose, not of bestowing aims upon
Europe, but only to facilitate the
sale of products which Europe needs
of which we have a surplus.
The Judgment of Congress on this
veto was shown by the Senate re-
passing the resolution over the Presi-
dents veto by SO to S, only two
Democrats voting to sustain Presi-
dent Wilson; and by the vote in the
House of $50 to sc, or 81 more than
the two-thirds majority required to
nullify Mr.. Wilson's veto.
Russia sorely needs agricultural
implements, machinery, electrical
supplies, locomotives, cars and steel
rails. She has gold to pay for them.
American factories supplying
these implements are now working
on part time, with tens of thousands
of workmen out Of employment for
lack of orders.
Nothing is so democratic as trade,
nothing so helpful to good under
standing, good relations or world
prosperity. No one needs to know
the politics or the religion of the
butcher, the baker or the candle
stick maker.
But the President has determined
that as long as he is in power the
United States shall not trade with
Russia, just as he determined, au-
tocratically, that Huerta, because he
had offended Mr.. Wilson, should not
be President of Mexico and that
Carranza should be.
The able men in Russia, and GER
tainly Mr.. Martens, probably under
stand the situation as Americans do,
and do not blame the American
people for the stupid, childish act
of this Administration, which we
feel certain will be corrected very
soon after the 4th of March.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-01-06
n ECRETARY OF LABOR WILL

~ SON justifies his order deport-
~ ing Ludwig @. A. X. Martens,
the sole authorized representative of
the Russians in the United States,
upon the ground that his govern
ment is conspiracy actively en-
gagged in the attempt to overthrow
the Government of the United
States.
Secretary Wilson's act is auto
cratic, small and mean; the state
ment on which it is based is ridicu-
lous.
England lavishes all sorts of Of
fetal favors, except invitations to
Buckingham Palace, upon Leonid
Krassin, the Bolshevist envoy. who
is doing in England exactly what
Martens attempted to do here.
On the day that Secretary Wilson
wrote the monstrous official mis-
statement that Martens was here to
overthrow the Government of the
United States, Krassin was being
entertained in London by Sir Robert
s. Horne, president of the Board of
Trade, whose relation to the British
government is moro important than
Secretary Wilson's relation to the
; United States Government. Lloyd
George has received and entertained
Krassin. England wants trade. She
welcomes Russian gold The United
States declines both.
It is unbelievable that Secretary
Wilson is stating his own opinion or
exercising his own judgment. 1t
must be assumed that he is acting
under the direction of the White
House.
Nobody tries today to account for
some of the policies of the President.
No reasonable, sensible, logical mind
CAN account for
Mr.. Wilson's reasons for dismiss
ing Secretary Lansing;
Mr.. Wilson's recommendation to
Congress that America accept the
Armenian mandate after his own
commissioner, General Harboard,
had reported that it would require
a standing American army in
Armenia and more than seven hun
dred million dollars;
Mr.. Wilson's solemn statement to
the Foreign Relations Committee
that he did not know, until he
reached Paris, of the existence of
the secret treaties of France, Great
Britain, Russia and Italy with ia
pan, although these treaties, which
changed the entire SAVIOR of the
Peace Conference, had been pub
lished by the Russian Soviet gov
eminent when it seized and pub
ished the secret archives of Russia;
Mr.. Wilson's declaration in his
Fourteen Points that the people of
Russia must be allowed to set up
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-01-06
Beatrice Fairfax
Advice.
HE'LL GET OVER 1T.
IS FAIRFAX:


There two boys coming to see me and
I like one better than the other. ! don't like
to send the one away because he said he loves
me, and don't like to hurt his feelings. HOW
will get rid. of this boy? L. r.
Vanity Of vanities-all is vanity. IT Is not the
young mans feelings you are thinking about
You will miss the pleasure Of hearing him tell
of his love 1t is more cruel to keep him dang
ling than to send him away. Can you not ar
range to be out when he calls or II you care to-
tell him the truth. Even though 1t may hurt
he'll get over 1t.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-01-06
Mr.. B. Baer
POWDERED JUSTICE.

Ohio has busted forth with
a lady judge to act as chap
eron for mixed juries. Like
all other institutions, the
law will have a Ladies' Day.
After this. when the Pinks
look for the woman in the
case, they will And her right
in the jury box shaping a
verdict on a pound of choco-
lates. Or up in the judges
pavilion powdering her judi
cial look.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-01-06
LEARN OF THEM.
DEAR MISS FAIRFAX:

DEAR MISS FAIRFAX:
l almost seventeen years Of age, about
five foot ten inches tall blonde hair Here is
my trouble. have to wear glasses because one
eye Is slightly out Of place. You just notice
IT. Also 1 have a hooked nose from a football
game.
Tell me please what chance have I with girls
and boys. They all evade me. ! a great
book reader also collector. 1 can talk, believe,
on most any subject. not dance.
Girls make remarks about me pertaining to
my eyes. Not one will let me be in COM
pany with her You have helped others please
give advice as too what should do.
"a BOOKFELLOw"
You have been unfortunate in having met the
wrong kind Of girl--the kind who cares for out.
ward appearances only. You young and
your chances are many.
Don't nurse your sensitveness over a hook ed
nose and a slightly mispleased eye. Read about
Lincoln. about his squeaky voice and swarthy
complexion. You can see for yourself that he
was no beauty with his ungainly figure and
awkwardness. But a more beloved man never
trod In shoes.
Take the brilliant president emeritus OF Tar-
ward University, Charles w Eliot He carries
a birthmark on one side of his face which for
bids any pictures but profiles
tho company OF either of these two men.
give you these two incidents to show you
future possibilities
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-01-06
NO WONDERS!

what caused the GOODNESS between
you and the young doctor? ! thought
you were engaged?"
His writing is rather fllegible
He sent me a note calling for 10000
kisses. I thought 1t was prescrip.
ton and took it to the druggist to
be filled HYMAN HYATT.
Friend-I see Cults, the tailor
going up to your studio every day
Is he sitting for you?
Artist-No, he's laying for me.
LYMAN HYATT.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-01-06
We TOWNE GOSSIP
Registered u. s. Patent Ofhce-
BY X. G.. B.

Dear K. c. B.-Won't you please write what
you think Of a man who never took drink
in his life (Which makes it worse, l think
and who comes home at l or a. m. and II
YOU ask him where he has been will get in
sanely mad and throw things so that at times
his wife's eyes have been blackened and her
body and soul bruised?
Yet to his friends he is all flattery and
sweetness.
Perhaps you can think of something that
MIGHT help me. GRACE M
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-01-06

Due to report that about
thirty bottles of Old Velvet were
buried close to Occouquan, Va,
the Friendly Sons Of Rest have
voted to accept Congressman
Clark's offer of breaking rocks
at Occoquan. L. NJ. O'S.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-01-06
THOSE SEASONS CARDS.


Every year around this time
l get a lot of cards
With poetry by Homer
And other noble bards.
The words are all strung along,
Set in howery phrase,
And every time get EN-
/ feel like making OF EN- a blaze.
why can't they make 'em humorous
Bringing laughter and not signs.
Instead, get some OF the stun
That gave old Homer the literary prize.
Speaking of one-armed lunch
Joints, how about the fellow who
takes the only salt and pepper shak-
ers over to his chair and never re-
turns them? MONS.
A popular magazine carries
story. one character Of which re-
marks that he is all "dolled up in .
cake-eater's suit?" Have the maya
zine writer's been reading II and s!
Imagine the rush for dictionaries
when out-of-towners read the story.
FRISCO ED.
A FIVE-SPOT.
Could I begrudge a fve-spot bill
To one who proved a faithful friend
Through good report and MI
Could / begrudee a nve-spot, BILL
Though 'twere the last note In the till1
when he asks me to lend,
Could I begrude a nve-spot bill
To one who proved faithful friendf
JOE CONKLIN
Sam-why is a girls thoughts lihs
the moon?
Jim-Because there's a man in Il.
NIAGARA FALLS.
Say, Bill. Ia your new contrib. Niagara
Falls, our long-lost Maid Of the Mistf
LIMO.
What's n man to do with girl
who will be disappointed IL he
doesn't kiss her goodnight and
shocked if he does7 A. X.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-01-06

There will soon be frail
judges. lingerie juries. and
napper criminals. Man will
be crowded right out OF the
crime wave, which will be
intensely marcelled.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-01-06
A CLUE.

A CLUE.
II Commissioner Kramer will look
in the last edition OF the local telephone
directory he will discover some Booze.
II. II. ". ]. HOLMES.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-01-06

H. NJ, who received the C. E. de-
gree, says she would invite DAN
and friends to party at Slattery's
Social Club tonight If she knew their
addresses.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-01-06

Anyhow the elevator conductor
never complains Of the ups" and
clowns" of life II. SMITH.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-01-06

O'SULLIVAN'S city puzzle has
brought more correct answers from
readers. MORTIMER CLARKE, the
veteran Washington lawyer, sends an
answer. with the statement that he is
an old-timer "but young enough to
look for II and S the first thing"
other answers are from MILTON
ROUZEE. DICK CAVANAUGH. w. w.
and ]. e. J., and J l.. l..
The originator of the Baltimore
Hop is cake-eater with the Termi-
nal Taxi Company.
HOPPY BALTIC.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-01-06
THE pARpER's YELL.

rbev do SAY that the BARRIERS yell 10 this
Cut his lip,
Cash his jaw,
Leave his face
Raw, raw, raw. - -
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-01-06

The latest song Is entitled.
| "Who Eft the Sweet Potatoes
While Mother was Dishing out
the SoupT' MILO II.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-01-06

He-why do you close your eyes
when / kiss you?
She--I always do that when / take
medicine. SKINNY.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-01-06
AT 7slS.

The maiden scrambled round in haste.
I'm terribly late" she raved.
IT have q dat. at 8 o'clock
And eyebrows still unshaved."
ANDY A.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-01-06


MY DEAR Grace. WHEN YOU hear his
l DON'T believe. ~ Any, .,,,,,
1T WOULD do any lock.
good. I'D TAKE my place.
IF should tell you. BESIDE THE door,
WHAT I think. AND WHEN it opens
OF THE type of man. AM in hi' mead comes
YOU WRITE about I'D SAY to him.
IT'S JUST hard luck. WHERE HAVE you
THERE ARE such AMI
AND STILL worse BUT RIGHT away.
luck. I'D BEAN him good.
THAT YOU got one. WITH THE baseball
IT'S THE only way.
IF I were you, MAN like that
AMI nes''H:e CAN BE impressed.
~ AND home-run
BUT IT seem. to me. el0ut'.
IT'S THE onlv thing. WILL LAST lots
longer.
THERE is to do. THAN i,r:r .
IF were you. ,,-r ,.
I'D BORROW bat. vDl .r nv ,nH: , Grace
A BAsEBAL! ba. do:
AND AT LAM. DON'T MISS him.
| OR a. m. I THANK you.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-01-06

a beauty parlor. BLACK
stone will be rewritten by
Victor Herbert in High C
so the soprano lawyers can
dole out justice. Justice
will be tempered with COS
sip and mercy with caramels.
The innocent shall suffer
with the guilty and with
out them.
New verdicts will be
handed down by the unfair
sex. Justifiable bigamy.
Premeditated alimony. Ac-
cidental honesty. He who
seeks justice must come
into equity with manicured
hands. The Love Pirate will
have a stout chance trying
to vamperize a jury OF twelve
business rivals in the jury
box.
Justice Is a blindfolded
woman in a Mother Hubbard
wrapper, carrying an In
dianapolis household scales
in one hand and some
Kitchen cutlery in the other.
Visitors Day will be a big
event when the bigamist
stands before a Jury of the
.Iiperior sex. Heretofore,
bigamists have been hu
namely sentenced to a life
OF Incidence in a bachelor
cell. Now, no will have to
serve out his sentence with
his forty wives and let 'em
surround his weekly pay en-
yelope like minnows snap
ping at wet bread.
The browning hour of JUS
tice will be reached when
the Lady-Next-Door stands
before a jury OF her neigh
boresses. Charge, COM
pounding a delicatessen
felony by cooking a hot meal
for her husband on Satur-
day night. The coed jury
will retire to the gossip
chamber and come out with
a verdict OF twelve new
secrets.
IL 4. no moro than cor
rect that women should be
entitled to share the mis-
takes OF justice. The courts
have been stag AFFAIRS for
centuries, and woman has
suffered In silence. Any
woman who - condemned to
silence suffers
Against a jury and judge
OF ladies, the vamp criminal
has a future like a bar room
license. The ankle loses Its
argument, the dimple its
powerful oratory, and the
silk stocking Its logic
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-01-06
GEOGRAPHICAL PIE.

Names Of six small cities trans
posed: No. I. alone; No. 2. I main
No. 3, Tory: No. 4, Was Raw: No. 8
Mail: No. 6, Soak. Name them.
H. SMITH.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-01-06

Recent balmy days brought
some pink knees into view
again. Long live roll-tops
MONS.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-01-06

@. E. D. and "HOPESO" inform
KARL J. o. that the present century
is not 81 years of age until the
last day of this year.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-01-06

Against a jury and judge
Of ladies, the vamp criminal
has a future like a bar room
license. The ankle loses Its
argument, the dimple its
powerful oratory, and the
s,lk stocking Its logic
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-01-06

Say. Bill. Ia your new contrib. Niagara
Falls, our long-lost Maid of the MISTY
LIMO.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-01-06

What's a man to do with a girl
who will be disappointed IL he
doesn't kiss her goodnight and
shocked if he does7 A. x.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-01-06
A FIVE-SPOT.

Sam-why is a girls thoughts liDs
the moon7
JIm-Because there's a man in Il.
NIAGARA FALLS.