davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1921-03-28

You came into the world cry
ing while the doctor and others
stood around and smiled. Live so
you can go out OF the world
smiling while your friends stand
around and cry. FLAVIUS.
The Washington times., 1921-03-28

The landlady decided shed
scrub the bath room. now that
spring has come, but 1T took so
much water II went right through
to the floor below. and now she
wonders who's going to paper the
dining room. Amt 1t awful?
MILO H.
The Washington times., 1921-03-28
VENUS NOT IN 1T.

/ was talking to friend who vas
telling me about his best girl. / asked
him IL she was pretty. His answer
was: "She's so pretty she could have
spotted Venus five cans of complexion
powder and then made Venus look lik$
an overworked secondhand dish
washer in a Sc lunchroom."
HAM and EGGS.
The Washington times., 1921-03-28
EVAPORATE THE LOAFING SKATE

This summer sun must soon abate
Or bring the weather to a state
When Willie Boys will gravitste
To Tenth and r, to congregste,
Their cigarettes to inhslate
And on the walks expectorate.
Mischievous pranks to incubste,
Past esca apades to celebrate
And otherwise to illustrate
How men can monkeys initiate;
Upon the corners lie in wait
To watch the chic 'uns ambulate
In frocks and hosiery up to date
With vulgar gaze make estimate,
with gibes and most indelicate
Remarks to Jest and speculate
On which were looking for a mate
Or game enough to make date.
'Tis passing sad to mediate
On District laws that operate
Such careless ways to cultivate
Or such decorum tolerate
For sure IL Is that, soon or late,
Unless their habits moderate.
More Rrievous wrongs they'll perpetratA
The Public's rights, at any rate,
In such affairs, should have some weight
And decency would indicate
That these be kept inviolate.
vINDI KATE
Not all the fools are dead yet"
/ commented.
LAS sure as you live" was the
reply. F. w. z
Tailor-Shall l put in the usual
number of pockets in the trousers7
Customer-No. only one. My wife
Is a busy woman and / don't want
to take up too much OF her time.
/. M. A. NUT
The Washington times., 1921-03-28
Artificial Limbs.

Artificial arms and legs were, 1t is believed.
used in Egypt early 700 b. c. They were
made by the priests, who were tho physicians
and surgeons OF those days in the land OF the
Nile
The Washington times., 1921-03-28
When Horses Were First Shod.

The art OF shoeing horses to protect their
hoofs against the evils OF hard usage was un-
known to the Greeks and Romans, and Is first
mentioned in the history of the celts as late
the fifth century.
The Washington times., 1921-03-28

Mother-James. can't you be quiet
for a bit?
james, can for "two bits" mother.
JULES BACK.
The Washington times., 1921-03-28

preme Court, at Washington, has
confirmed the decision in a lower
court fixing the value of locomo-
tive fireman at forty thousand dol
lars and switchman at twenty-five
thousand FIVE hundred. This de-
cision makes the life of white fire.
man today worth forty times, and
that of white switchman twenty
two and a half times as much as a
strong black slave before the Civil
War. 1t shows that values have
gone up. But forty thousand well
invested will earn at six per cent
two thousand four hundred a year
forever, never taking a day off,
never i'll, never sleeping or eating.
That's more than the fireman was
worth alive, although it ought not
to be more.
The Washington times., 1921-03-28

IL used to be that her face
was her fortune" but in this day
her face costs a fortune.
+. VETTER.
The Washington times., 1921-03-28

A New York woman tried to
sell her husband at public auc-
ton. but failed. Which goes to
disprove the theory that women
will buy anything at auction
sale. EAMCN o S.
The Washington times., 1921-03-28

Strong for the girls was Cholly Brown,
He knew 'em in every part of town.
But he got fresh with a pretty colleen
And she cracked him on his jelly bean.
c. b. b.
The Washington times., 1921-03-28
MIR. B. Baer
THAT EASTER PARADE.

After having led the
clothes panic up F street.
Cerise is back at the type
writer. She had glori-
Gus ankle excursion up and
down the fash boulevard
and is very little the worse
for wear, as she didn't wear
much.
In every ham and egglet
in this Republican country
the same rcgalia pageant
was knocked of. Washing
ton, New York, Boston.
Chicago, wasn't one limp
ahead of Fredericksburg.
Five Points or Yoder's
Crossing.
The saccharine sex looked
about eleven times sweeter
than lump sugar. From
their radium stuffed heels
to their birds of paradise
toupees each gal was a
queen. OF course, some of
them had rather deep COM
plexions. Others looked as
IL their feet yearned for an
overflow meeting in an
extra pair of roundtoed
brogans. But as each rose
has it's thorn. so each
Easter lily must have her
bunion.
The expeditionary force
of mink and seal waltzed
up the avenue on 'em. turn
ing each little sister into
a rainbow with ears. Most
Of 'em had life and emerg-
ency escorts along. but they
all looked as IL they would
have preferred mirrors in
stead.
They looked each other
over with microscopic care
lessness. Every girl can
tell what the other fiapper's
clothes cost at one squint.
Two looks and she will tell
you how much Is still due
on the outfit. And, IL
each darlink's paraphernalia
costs what the other salam-
ander thinks 1t does, then
there wasn't a nickel spent
on clothes yesterday.
This may sound a trihe
catfish, but when one
woman inventories another
sisters silks and satins,
she is absolutely impartial
and knocks off so per cent
for depreciation. Just like
an insurance broker in
suring a new car.
Fortunately. few OF the
stylish paraders knew one
another we'll enough to
quarrel. Once In a while, a
couple of live dolls would
stop and exchange neigh
borly greetings. But the
cops always broke up the
gatherings before they
reached the elaving stage
The Washington times., 1921-03-28
Gs11EARlp 55EEn -
THE GIGGLING GIRL.

beware of girls who giggle,"
says a social settlement worker.
But where are the girls who
don't giggle?
SUILLEABHAN.
(Giggling is as certain with most
young girls as measles, but they
don't get over it so soon. Philoso-
pliers say that IL they don't giggls
they don't grow.)
THOMAS E. AMERICA, Wash
ington plumber, has "See America
First" on his business auto.
The Washington times., 1921-03-28
BLJssFUL IGNORANCE.

Co-ed-I want something to wear
around the dormitory.
Salesgirl-How large is your dor
mitory? FLAVIUS. r
The Washington times., 1921-03-28

Give a fellow plenty of rope
and he'll go into the cigar busi-
ness. JEk.
The Washington times., 1921-03-28
FRIDAY-THE BIG DAY.

Unless some of the fans get COLD
FEET (and they say they're not).
Fridays going to be real big day
The Washington times., 1921-03-28

MY DEAR Elsie. WHERE ALL might
ms THAT am glad
ok MIX savoy. HAVE for friend.
ARE WONT to say. THE SPONSOR.
I'm GLAD you asst OF THESE three
me-" clean plays.
BECAUSE JOHN AND am glad.
THAT l do know.
"a9 these spHyo'hD plays. IT is his pride.
,s .r.,s - THAT THEY are
AND hesitate AND FURTHER glad
TO WRITE of things. HE HAS told me.
THAT MY friends do. HE'LL NOT produce.
BUT YOU come now. AN UNcLEA.N play.
AMI u.Kr .x.,,.. AND soiti
pop ME- ;. i. THAT I'll no. look.
: WIRE MOTIVES
I MIGHT have done. WHAT MATTERS it.
BUT FOR the fact. WHAT THEY may be.
JOHN Is my friend. EXCEPT TO John.
AND IT is this, IF so he helps.
FOR MANY months. IN CLEANLINESS.
I'VE HAD desire. UPON THE stage.
TO SAY to John. l THANK you.
iii Vou Krou, That
The Washington times., 1921-03-28

LOOK WHO'S HERE.
The culprit's name was Look Hoo,
A Chinaman. twas clear;
His lawyer then addressed the court,
Your Honor. Look Hoo's here"
STENO-TEBO CLUB
The Washington times., 1921-03-28

But here is a good sign. The Su.
, 1921-11-03
Four Dead From Fumigatino Gas.

Cleveland.-Three women and one
man were found dead in an east end
apartment building here. the victims,
police say, of ~asphyxiation, caused by
f%umigating gas. They had been dead
apparently for twelve hours. Accord
Ing to tile authorities, f%umigation was
started in n restaurant which occupies
the first and second floors of the
building. The gas is believed to have
seeped through. the floors and up a
dumb waiter connecting the upper sto-
ries and caught the tenants without
warning.
, 1921-11-03
spaniards Take Noun. Arrui..

Madrid.-AIinister of War Cirva an
nounced that Mount Arruit had been
occupied without losses. The troops,
however, found the bodies OF 800 Span
ish soldiers killed when the position
was captured by the Moors. Two hun
dred dead horses also were found. The
Spanish warship Catalina has gone to
Lisbon to safeguard Spanish interests
there. Communication with Portugal
Is difficult, although some trains are
running.
, 1921-11-03
Tampa In Bad Storm.

Jacksonville, Fla.=The business
section of Tampa was practically
flooded under three feet of water as a
result of the gulf storm, according to
advices over crippled transmission
lines. No loss of life has been re-
ported, but industry is at a standstill.
The entire west coast of Florida is
feeling the effects Of the storm and
is virtually isolated insofar us COM
munication is concerned. Tampa is
without light, telegraph, telephone or
street car service, according to ad-
vices.
, 1921-11-03
Settles Religious Question.

Springfield, m-Controversy over
the religious affiliations Of David
Lloyd George, prime minister OF Great
Britain. who has been claimed by both
Disciples of Christ and BaptIsts. has
Deer settled by Lloyd George himself,
after the manner OF n Solomon. choos-
ing neither the n nor the other but
claiming then both. In a letter re-
spending to a query. the prime min
lister wrote that he Is "a member of the
disciples OF Christ but attends the
Baptist chapel"
, 1921-11-03
A COATED TONGUE
What II Means

A. bad breath, coated tongue, bad t~sse
IN the mouth, languor and debility. are
usually signs that the liver is out of order.
At such times one should take a pleasant
laxative. Such a one is made Of May
apple, leaves of aloe and put into ready
to-use form byiDr. Pierce, nearly fifty
years ago, and sold for % cents by ali
druggists as DR.. Pierce's Pleasant Pellets.
San Antonio, Texas-"It gives me
pleasure to recommend DIR. Pierce's
Pleasant Pellets as doing what they are
advertised to do. have used them in my
family for nearly fifty years, with never
failing success. Rev. John G. Groth.
e27 Denver Blvd.
, 1921-11-03
Some Lose; Some Don't.

New York.-Sorrow invaded the
ranks of half n hundred New York fat
women, attempting to reduce through
scientific training. Two had grown
fatter. Forty-eight of the reducing
class visited the scales and rejoiced--
they showed an average loss In seven
lays OF six pounds, five ounces. But
Ada Parker screamed-she was fatter
by two and a half pounds and now
weighs 1876. Lille Ice groaDed. En-
tered at III, she now weighs ITO.
, 1921-11-03
Six Killed In HnIdun

Mexico City=Six persons were
killed. five were wounded and regis
tered express packages valued at 2OO.-
ooo pesos were stolen when n band OF
twenty hiehwnymen held up a train Mt
Atzcapotzalco. three miles northwest
OF this city.
, 1921-11-03
Towniey Losea in p~,tltior

Washington.-The Supreme Court
refused a petition Of A. G. Townley
and Joseph Gilbert. as president and
manager. respectively, of the National
Nonpartisan League. for review OF
their conviction before the Minnesota
courts on charges growing GU of
their alleged activities In opposition
to the nations war activities.
, 1921-11-03
Cuba Cuts Expenses

Havana, Cuba.-Budget reduction
mas been approved by the House OF
representatives. 1t voted to accept
the report of the mixed legislative
commission fixing government expen-
ditures mt approximately $4,000, 900
Tor the current fiscal year. With vari-
Gus executive department AUTHORIZE
tons the cost Of government Will be In
creased to S65, 100000.
, 1921-11-03
BY JOHN DICKINSON SHERMAN.

UMETHING new Is always coming
out of Africa.-Old Latin proverb.
Various writer's in the public
press seem to think that this prov
erb is as true now as it was 1000
years ago and that the new thing"
of these latter days is a new man"
in international craftsmanship
Jan Christian SHUTS, minister of
defense of the Union of South AZ
, 1921-11-03
Mo Show for Him
Who Were
Mark Twain's
Corncob Starters?

Mark Twain's favorite pipe was q
corncob. Perhaps you've never heard
how his new corncobs were broken in.
He said: II get a cheap mana
man who doesn't amount to much
anyhow, who would be as well, or bet
ter, dead-and pay him a dollar to
break in the pipe for me. l get him to
smoke the pipe for a couple Of weeks,
then put in a new stem, and continue
operations as long as the pipe holds
together"
We wonder how many, il any, Of
Mark Twain's corncob starters are
alive today.
II there ever were any, we don't be-
lev that a great enough number sur
vive to overwork our mail-desk.
We're going to send samples Of
Edgeworth Tobacco to any who send
US their names and addresses.
We're not going to ask them to pro-
duce the stems as proof.
We put writer's on their honor.
In fact, we're inclined to send SAM
Piles to all who write to us that they
, 1921-11-03

matter how well they speak Of Edge
worth, no matter how good are the
smokers stories they tell us about
Mark Twain and others-unless the
writer's happen to say that they are
willing to have said letters published.
We've heard quite a number Of good
stories about pipe smokers. but there
must be a lot we haven't heard.
You may know some stories that
others would enjoy reading in this
column.
Probably they're worth samples Of
Edgeworth in both forms-Plug Slice
And Ready-Rubbed.
In any case, we'll send you samples.
whether you have a good story to tell
us or not.
Edgeworth Plug Slice Is shaped into
fiat. oblong cakes. Through these
cakes keen knives are run that cut
them into thin slices. In its box It ap-
pears a solid cake, but each slice sepa-
rates easily from the cake and when
rubbed between the hands furnishes
an average pipeload.
E~dgeworth Ready-Rubbed Is ex-
actly the same as Plug Slice, excapt
that 1t Is rubbed up before packing.
Both kinds pack SO well that they
light quickly and burn evenly to the
bottom Of your pipe.
E~dgeworth Is sold in various sizes to
suit the needs and means Of all pur-
chasers. Both Edgeworth Plug Slice
and Edgeworth Ready Rubbed are
packed in small. pocket-size packages,
In handsome tin humidors, and glass
Jars, and also in various handy in
between quantities.
We will send you samples Of both
kinds, postpaid.
Address Larus & Brother Company.
ii South 21st Street, Richmond, Va.
ITO Retail Tobacco Merchants III
your jobber cannot supply you with
Edgeworth, Larus & Brother Com
pany viii gladly send you prepaid by
parcel post n one or two-dozen carton
Of any size OF Edgeworth Plug Slice or
Ready-Rubbed for the same price you
would pay the jobber.
, 1921-11-03

Formally Not Desired.
Adv.-Suits $25. Formally $40.
He need not put on any dog with
us.-Boston Transcript.
, 1921-11-03
A Feeling Of Security

You naturally feel secure when you
know that the medicine you are about to
take is absolutely pure and contains no
harmful or habit producing drugs.
Such a medicine is DR.. Kilmer's Swamp
Root, kidney, liver and bladder remedy.
The same standard of purity, strength
and excellence is maintained in every
bottle of Swamp-Root.
1t is scientifically compounded from
vegetable herbs.
1t is not a stimulant and is taken in
teaspoonful doses.
1t is not recommended for everything.
1t L natures great helper in relieving
and overcoming kidney, liver and blad-
der troubles.
a sworn statement of purity is with
every bottle of DR.. Kilmer's Swamp.
Root.
If you need a medicine, you should
nave the best. On sale at all drug stores
IN bottles OF two sizes, medium and large.
However, if you wish first to try this
great preparation send ten cents to DR..
hilmer & Co., Binghamton, N. Y, for a
sample bottle. When writing be sure and
mention this paper.-Advertisement.
No Show for Him.
rs your husband much of a talker?'
"Really. / can't say. 1 never gave him
chance enough TO determine"
, 1921-11-03

knew the grand
old American
humorist and
smoker.
He knew a lot
Of people, but
we guess we can
risk sending out
a little more
Edgeworth. 1t
seems to make
regular Edge
worth smokers
in a big major
ity Of cases.
We promise
not to Duhlish
their letters. no
New-York tribune., 1921-09-11

Continued in Next Sundays Tribune
New-York tribune., 1921-09-11
Author of Foster Auction, Auction Made Easy.
Fosters Complete Hoyle, Etc.
By r. F. FOSTER

waiting for the shift with both hearts and
spades stopped.
The declarer now sees that his only chance
IS to make a resntry in dummy by leading
the hearts, and to coax out the king he leads
the queen. At this point BIS defensive play
fell down. He Jumped to the conclusion that
his partner held the ace Of hearts, but would
not part with it until his clubs were cleared
80 won the queen Of hearts with the king
and led the club ten,' having dummys dia-
monds still blocked.
But when dummy led the diamond and
put on the ace, he got discard of the heart
Six from A, which is not encouraging. and
having no clubs left tried the small spade
put the ace right up, and led small
hearc to dummy, who got in with the lack
and made his two established diamonds. while
q discarded club and spade, making two
hearts at the end This gave him four bv
cards.
Had realized that he would have to shift
sults after winning a trick with the ace of
diamonds, as he had no more cubs aftar
getting the ace out of the way, he would have
seen the Importance of making sure that
dummy did not get In on hearts. B cannot
lose his king Of hearts, neither can dummy
win heart trick as long as B holds king and
ten over the jack and nine.
New-York tribune., 1921-09-11

VT IS well established fact that tho de-
clarey has great advantage in playing
- the dummy. This advantage is largely
due to the fact that he can sec what his
partner holds and can make the best possible
use OF it, while his opponents are in tho dark
about every suit they have not led or bid,
and are even in doubt about them on occasion,
But there is one rule about playing tho
combined hands which sometimes riyes the
adversarles line on their best defensive
play, provided they are alert. This rule il
that in playing the, hand, especially at NO.
trumps, If there are two good suits. one IN
his own hand and one In the dummy. tho
dec1arer should play the ono shown on the
table, other things being equal
Now, the suit that is shown ON the tail.
ls open to the inspection Of the adversaries
snd It's possibilities are often obyiou.. ao .ra
its difficulties. A skilled antagonist. saeinv
what Is In the declarer's mind. will oft.n hs
able to block his plans perhaps by holding
up the command of dummy's suit until tho do.
clarer can no longer lead it; perhaps bv q
pronape attack on dummy's only resntry, TAX
ing 1t out before the suit which that reantrv
~ $500 oAooSiie iiito play IS established.
Many persons betray their weakness in the
defensive game by their being in too great a
hurry to get back to their partners suit or
their own, overlooking the warning of danger
from dummy. 1t is very nice to get in and
set up your partners long suit FOR him. but
after ne has set 1t up. dummy may also have
suit IN good shape and when it comes to
making the suit, dummy may beat your part
ner to it.
ibis part OF the defensive game, holding
up the command Of the declarer's or dummv,s
New-York tribune., 1921-09-11

z dealt and bid no-trump. Following tho
rule, not to lead an honor against a no-trump-
er unless you have three Of them, A lad the
eight Of clubs, and the jack held. Even had
he led the king, dummy would have held up
the ace, as the only chance to exhaust the
power OF at least one adversary to lead suit.
If possible
small diamond from dummy is passed up
~ b. The king wins and the queen follows.
b ca now count the diamonds, having no
more; but dummy still has that resntry acc
OF clubs. so holds up the ace Of diamonds.
New-York tribune., 1921-09-11


one should be pretty sure Of at least 800 n
penalties to refuse an answer to the doubse
1t the double Is not answered an& the dealef
takes himself out, an opportunity to call sui
cheaply may be lost.
Question-The dealers heart bids ha'
forced left hand opponent to three diamonds
doubles Instead of leading heart, the des'
er's partner leads singleton club. Is shi
correct? The play lost the contract and o.
monds went game.-M. G.
Answer-Unless able to stop the trump lssl
immediately, singleton is usually bad les'
because all the trumps may be drawn beIos
there is any chance to get in the ruff. VIA
ace and small in trumps, the singleton, to y
followed by the heart, is all right, if the par
ner can win the heart trick, no matter vi
wins the club.
PINOCHLF
Question--A bids $50 and lnelds 200, ina@
vertently stating before play begins that =
needs ITO in cards. and make no rers'S
A makes 174 only. Does A lose the gane, y
cause neither nor corrected his statsms
that he needed ITO only Il. J. T.
Answer--There is no rule obliging pay
to state what he needs to get in play nor
his adversaries to correct him if he choose.
make statement and it is not correct. ~
the play is finished, the bidder shows wnal
has won, and if it is enough, with his new
to make good the bid, he wins; if not. ne 0s''
POKER
Question-When the players are allo"se
breathe, the opener breathes after the w =,
All three others in the pot do the same. y
the opener now make bette. l. "a
No. Because the breathe bet IS 1@
called.
New-York tribune., 1921-09-11

was deliberately choosing to remain with her.
The languor Of his bulk after the evening
meal made no explanation for Lulu. She
asked for no explanation. He had stayed.
And they were alone. For D on a pretext
of examining the focks and herds, was lead
ing Bobby away to the pastures, a little at q
time
The sun, now fallen, had left an even,
waxen sky. Leaves and ferns appeared
drenched with the light just withdrawn The
hush, the warmth, the color, were charged
with some influence The air of the time
communicated itself to Lulu as intense and
quiet happiness She had not yet felt quiet
with Ninian. For the first time her blind
excitement in his presence ceased, and she
felt curiously accustomed to him. To him the
air Of the time impaired itself in a deepen
ing of his faclle sympathy.
New-York tribune., 1921-09-11

fashion. Ina's plump figure was fitted in
the stern, the child Monona affixed, and the
boat put off, bow we'll out of water. On this
pleasure ride the face Of the wife was as
the face of the damned. 1t was true that
she revered her husbands opinions above
those Of all other men. In politics, in science,
in religion, in dentistry she looked up to his
dicta as to revelation. And was he not a
magistrate? But let him take oars in hand,
or shake lines or whip above the back of any
horse, and this woman would trust any other
woman's husband by preference. 1t was a
phenomenon.
Lulu was making the work last, so that she
should be out Of everybody's way. When the
boat put off without Ninian, she felt a kind
Of terror and wished that he had gone. He
had sat down near her, and she pretended not
to see. At last Lulu understood that Ninian
New-York tribune., 1921-09-11

rs plan then would have been to shift to
the small heart if the queen held, and to
hope the ten of hearts was with A, in which
case the finesse Of the nine might work This
failing, z would have to drop the diamonds
after losing his ace Of clubs, and play for the
hearts; but he must lose a spade and three
clubs at the end, stopping at two by cards,
instead OF making four odd and the game.
This IS the solution to Problem No. 70.
given last week, in which hearts were trump.
Il to lead, and w to win all the tricks. When
this is the condition it is obvious that the
solution hinges on forcing discards.
4 leads small club, which Y wins with the
ace, returning the queen of diamonds.
trunps this card with the ace of trumps and
leads the queen. This enables to overtake
the trump lead with the king, and go on twice
more, with the jack and eight
On the jack Of trumps discards a small
spade On the third trump z watches BIS
discard, and whichever suit B unguards 2 will
keep. This results in rs making either two
spade tricks, or the ace Of spades and lack
of clubs.