The Birmingham age-herald., 1921-10-27
ANDREW AND
 IMOGENE
By ROE rULKERsoN x

Irnogene looked curiously at her husband over her book. He was pac- ing the floor. back and forth ana iron, time to time would throw out his hand or shake his index ringer, His facial expression was grave TOT 2. moment then he wreathed in smiies ana then settle dinto 8 fierce, states manlike frown. His lips moved and fhe muttered unintelliEible things.
 .Andrew," she said pathetically. ..what in the world Is the matter with YOU? never saw you act like that before. Have you been drinkingT
 His strides became more pompous and his gestures more emphatic. Al last he faced her from behind a small table and leaning over 1t. bowed With a pleased smile
 "Gentlemen, this outburst Of ap- plause at the mention of my name IS most pleasing. l assure you. This call to my feet comes to me In the nature of a great surprise. l am no sneaker. as you know. and have ai- Ways preferred that my efforts in the organization be in the shape of deeds rather than words. If the toast master had been kind enough to mo- tify pie that was to be called upon I would have tried to arrange sone- thing that would have been worth while listening to. but alas, he dc not, and I hadn't the most remote Idea was going to speak. My situ- ation here this evening reminds me of a little story that Is told of an Irishman who-- gs 4a Andrew" said 1mogene in a frightened voice. please don't go or like that. Sit down. honey, and let me get you something. Don't you want a glass of water?"
 No. my dear. an, all right" laughed Andrew. "I am simply re- hearsing an impromptu speech will have to make at a banquet tomorrow night. Everybody does it. You can't make . good impromptu speech If you don't make careful prepara- tion for It."
 Are you going to speak at the banquetr'
 T don't know. darling" he said.
 ..but every man who goes to . ban.
 auet comes home full of chicken
 croouets and vain re~-~ts. If tht
 toastmaster doesn't call cr him, he
 comes home talkin' to himself and
 thinkin' how much better he co Id
 have done than the guys who we -e called upon, and if the toastmaster
 does call on him, he comes cussin
 over the things he wished he had
 said and forgot while he was on his
 feet. That's what makes banquets so exciting.
 q shed so many tears over my first post -prandial speech that there were nine large power companies bidding for my riparian rights. "I was called on unexpectedly anc I a dau1i tasSS on q perfectly innocent bystander. bit my tongue. mopped my face and tried to swallow an English walnut \ which rose up and pushed my Adam's \ apple out of its regular place. stammered like schoolboy and choked and said I was unpreparee and sat down.
 T made up my mind then and there that would always be ready from, that time forth, and in the next ter
 years prepared and memorized more than 60 splendid speeches and no toastmaster ever called on me. "Just when I decided that the first effort of-mine had queered me I was called on again. l got mad and sim ply explained the whole thing to 'em the way I was doing to you now and told 'em about those 80 unspoken speeches and the tragedy of my ban quet life and there were so many other fellows who had been through u all that they liked my talk and since that time, like a crap shoote- and his razor. like a bad man and his gun. like a woman and her powder puff, like a matinee girl and her box of chocolates, me and my afterdin ner speeches are inseparable now anf forever. always have one in my system and like crab on his legs as 5oon ss shed one I begin tc serminats and grow another in 1t. plaeas