The Washington herald., 1921-09-25
Things We're Bound to
Change for the Better
Because They Couldn't
Get Any Worse.

Get Any Worse.
4 KR- CRUMIEY had been married Just
NH one week, and he was looking down
lVl into the dark waters Of the river that
slid quietly under the bridge on which he
was standing. He had crossed that bridge
q thousand times. by day and by night: he
had stopped q hundred times to lean upon
tho strung iron railing that guarded the
footpath to gaze envio,5:y down upon the
river forty feet below gliding. unchecked
current working Its inevitable way to the
ocean. never. never to come back again to
the Land Of its birth
But never before had he thought Of Jump
ing on Of that bridge
Perhaps one Of the reasons why he never
had thought Of It before was that he couldn't
gwtm a stroke, and, a. the center Of the
middle span Of the long steel structure was
some three hundred feet from the nearest
bank and the water ten or twelve feet deep.
h was something one really couldn't think
about Now he was thinking about It
He was arguing with himself that It would
not be quite 20 terrifying to do 1t at night.
especially ON a night Like this. when there
was NO moon and the sky was without
single star. To do It In broad daylight.
when it was possible to calculate not only
the distance one would have to fal but with
considerable accuracy the exact spot where
one would disappear, was unspeakably
dreadful In turning the matter over in his
mind another objection to doing It In the
daytime presented itself: the certainty that
the act would be witnessed By . number Of
people, some Of whom undoubtedly would
yell out just as he was about to spring from
the railing--Hey! You damn fooli" or
Grab him. the crazy foolr'
And somehow 1t seemed frightfuIly undig-
nffied to go down to death with people look
ing on and calling you a damn fool
BY doing It At night one could be reason
ably certain Of avoiding anything 50 un-
pleasant as that-besides If no one saw him
do II. his wtfe-or, more strictly speaking.
his widov-might go on for months wonder
inx what had become of him, and there was
a whole lot Of subtraction to be got out Of
that
he found himself rather Er1mly enjoying
the hope that his body might not be recov-
ered for months and then In such Q state
that Identification would be impossible One
recalled that he had no gold filings In his
teeth. moles or birthmarks. and no tat
tooed saletdancer on his forearm,, In which
case Mrs. Crumley would be cheated out Of
the pleasure Of being pitied by an the rest
Of the boarders at Mrs. Smiths. to say moth
ing Of the rather enviable notoriety to Be
derived from the headlines and conJectures
of the two local newspapers Something told
him she would enjoy the greatness thus
thrust upon her. and In his present frame Of
mind he couldn't see himself voluntarily
thrusting anything upon her but misery.
He tenderly caressed the painful and sub
stantial lump Just above his left ear and
gr1tted his teeth determinedly. An hour
earlier that lump was not there. Moreover,
It was considerably larger now than it was
when he felt 1t ten minutes ago. He re-
moved his fingers hastily. There was some
thing positively grewsome In the thought
that II he kept them on the protuberance
he might actually feel It grow.
II this could happen to him altar one
short week Of married Life, what-O what
was IN store for him at the end Of year?
II she could do this with a whiskbroom,
what was she likely to do with a full sized
broom handle. or a bedslat. or II such thing
happened to be handy. q baseball bat1
Mr.. Crumley hadn't really wanted to get
married He was thirty-eight and a little
over. and. SO far as he knew. no one had ever
wanted to marry him before Up to a week
ago he bad been happy. contented bache-
lor without q caro- in the world. Circum-
stances over which he had no control made
. married man Of him so suddenly 30
abruptly. that he didn't quite realize what
had happened until his abominable stepchil-
dren began to call him papa and ask him
for money to go to the movies with
In view Of the possibility that 1t may be
dtncult to identify him with any degree Of
certainty later on. 1t is only fair to estab-
nsh bis Identity while he Is still with Us
He is . maIlish man with eyeglasses. a blue
serge suit. russet shoes. gray socks, and q
flowing black bow tie. He Is quite bald. He
has the face and the figure of a student
and the complexion as we'll. For seven years
hs has been the Instructor In mathematics
fn the public schools of the town he Is
about to leave He Ia a Baptist, sings tenor
In the church choir surreputiousiy votes
the Republican ticket, has something like
three thousand dollars In the savings bank,
and - q perennial Judge Of hemstitchins
and embroidery exhibited at the county fair.
Altogether he is-or. more strictly speak
ing, was-a man Of consequence.
Ills Christian name is William. A. q
scaooIboy in his native town he was called
Willie. As matter Of fact, he was the sort