davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1921-02-12

tween your present sCcY. Mr.. Chris
tian and Richard Washburn Child and
vile | don't know nothing VS. these
gents, still and all | don't believe its
a job for Child of a Christian nei-
Their one 1t wouldn't be, the way !
would fill it.
Now. Mr.. Harding, let me tell you
something in regards to idears about
this job and what l would make out
OF it. In the past the President S
Sccy. has just been suppose to act
like buffet between The President
and the pests Well. Mr.. Harding,
am past master in acting like a
buffet but that wouldn't only take a
small portion of my time and | would
spend most of my time makeing your
Job such a cinch that all as you would
need to he scared of would be getting
arrested for vagrancy.
AN, INNOVATION
In the first place, of course. |
would tend to your correspondents
and keep your pants pressed and an
swer the phone But besides that |
would write all your supeechs and
messages and ! would stick words in
them that President Wilson never
heard of and | would also make up
some funny things for YOU to say
once wk. when YOU received the
newspaper men so as they could say
in their Storys:
THE President was in Il jokeing
mood today and then go ahead and
spring a little events to prove it.
Dureing other administrations the
newspaper boys has often said that
about the President being in a jokeing
mood. but they either expected the
readers to take their word for it or
else they accused him of gags that
sounded like they was wrote for the
gridiron club dinner.
The kind | fix up for you would be
eXtemporanous. like for inst. suppose
one of the correspondents said:
Well Mr.. President what abut the
Armenian mandates?
Your reply would be, II never made
no date with no Armenian man.
Or suppose they asst you what You
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1921-02-12
BIG EATERS GET
KIDNEY TROUBLES
Take Salt at First Sign Of Bladder
iTlitT.iO or Backache

The American men and women
must guard constantly against Kidney
trouble, because we eat too much and
all our food is rich. Our blood is filled
with uric acid which the kidneys
strive to filter out; they weaken from
overwork, become sluggish; the elm
NATIVE tissues clog and the result is
kidney trouble, bladder weakness and
general decline in health.
When your kidneys feel like Jumps
of lead; your back hurts or the urine
is cloudy, full of sediment or you are
obliged to seek relief two or three
times during the night; if you suffer
with sick headache or dizzy, nervous
spells. acid stomach, or you have
rheumatism when the weather is bad,
get from your pharmacist about four
ounces of Jad ats; take tablespoon
full in glass of water before break
fast or a ew days and your kidneys
will then act fine. This amous salts
is made from the acid of grapes and
lemon juice, combined with lithia,
and has been used for generations to
flush and stimulate clogged kidneys;
to neutraliSe the acids in the urine
so it no longer is source of irrita-
ton. thus ending bladder disorders.
Jad Salts is inexpensive; cannot in
lure. makes a delightful effervescent
lithia-water beverage, and belongs in
every home, because nobody can make
mistake by having good kidney
flushing any time.
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1921-02-12
If The White House Needs Master
Mind Well, You Know Me
thought about ireland, you would

thought about Ireland, you would
! say:
! ~. o-c-t -, Il 10.
| Or il che OF them says, How do
| you feel about disarmament
You would answer laughingly, You
will half to tell me witch arm you
meant as | have forgot.
| That is a few samples of the gags
would frame up for you and in a lit
tie vile the papers would print the
Washington news en- the comical page
where people would see it.
Now Mr.. Harding, l been reading
! in Mr.. Bernstorff's book about his u
yrs. in America and he says in it that
none of the govt. officials in Wash
ingtOn vile he was here could speak
any foreign language witch was prob
ably because they was too busy learn
ing English, but any way he thinks
that ambassadors from Europe could
make us understand their affairs bet
ter if they could tell us about theI.
in their own language.
STAYING OFF BORROWERS
Well, Mr.. Harding, when the diff
ferent ambassadors come to the White
House to see you | would go to the
door and greet them in their own
tongue like for inst:
Bon Jour Mons. Frog Eater or,
"Wie Gents Herr Liverwurst," or
How ban every little ting Fru XII
Yumper, and they would think 1 un-
derstoCd their lingo and if they want
to borrow money or have us help
them fight somebody, they would say
it in german or Swede or Oolala and
save us trouble and money because
wouldn't know what they was talking
about
don't suppose you will have much
trouble now with women pickets out
side the yard, but if any of them does
hang around and bother us, why l an
a past master in getting rid Of wom
en-. All l generally half to do is
10 go and set down by them
L would play golf with you and keep
score, and | believe | could save you
many stroke and l would go to
Fcith S with you once wk. and keen
tickling you in the ribs so as the re-
rorters could say you seemed to en-
Joy the show and laughed heartily.
and when company dropped in in the
evenings | would bring out my diff
feFert' musical instruments and see
that nobody stayed late. | would be
Your Major Domo and your Col
lfeuse and about all as you would
half to do would be to brush your
own teeth and get your pictures TAX
en-.
That is a outline of my conception
CT, tie secy. job and not only that but
maybe my Mrs. Guild come along and
cock for you and as for references
she has only worked in one famil
since she started, which speaks fir
itself. | can assure you she throws
a mean waffle iron and is what | call
painfully neat and clean. | and her
could fix up hveing quarters over the
garage and she would be satisfied
with every Thursday and every other
Sunday P NJ. off.
Now Mr.. Mardins I don't know
What Mr.. flmulty has been getting
but | viii come for the same money,
though of coarse the cook s wages
would be extra. but any way | will
expect to hear from you favorably in
regards to this position and as evil
dents Of my good faith | will write
YOUR inauguration speech and mail
it to Won in a few days and you can
use u whether you engage me pcrma-
nently or no.
RING w. LARDNER.
Great Neck, l.. L.. Feb. II.
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1921-02-12
(By Ring W. Lardner }
Mr.. w. G. HARDING.

Mr.. w. G. HARDING.
Dear Sir
1t looks like my name was .amst
the also rams in the race for cabineS
positions and vile | am disappointed,
still and all realize they was only
10 jobs TO give out and couple 100
Ii employed hollering for them and
you figured | wasn't the kind tina,
would yelp if you turned me down as
can make a liveing some other way
so / don't blame you for what has
came Off
OF the men who you are going to
arpt. | have heard Of 3 or of them
and i suppose you have too and know
something about them, but if | was
YOU would get the govt. printing
Office 70 print up few dozen resigna-
ton blanks with the reasons and re-
grCis and etc. all filled in so as il
they's any of the cabinet that cant
write they went eel embarrassed
whe il comes time to hand them one,
and just leave dotted line for them
To tut their signature or mark:
Now Mr.. Harding, vile as say |
don't hold nothing VS. you for what
You done and | understand why you
couldn'u do no different yet it seems
to me like your administration is libel
TO be a other farce unlest they's at
lease one master mind connected with
it and though they's no places left OPP
IN in the cabine", still you haven t
bound yourself in writeing in regards
to the position of secytothe President
and if you come at me in the right
way-well need | say more? | have
heard reports that this job laid be-
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1921-02-12

IN THE CIRCTw COURT. POLK COUNTY
FLORIDA-IN CHANCERY -- ALIEN tNDER
WARREN. vs.. EDGAR H. STOKES, ct al.
ORDER OF PUBLICATION
The complainant having filed sworn bill
in this cause alleging that he believes there
are persons interested in the property iu-
Iolved herein whose names are unknown t.
him, and having demanded this order. aid
otherwise complied with the law, all persons
claiming an interest by, through or under
Anthony Norris. W. A. Robertson George
Augustus Thromson and Edwyn SandyS
Dawes. all deceased, as trustees of the Florida
Land Colonization Company, corporation,
or by. through or under Anthony Norris. dc
ceased W. A. Robinson, deceased; George Au.
gustuS Thomson, deceased; Edwyn Sandyi
Dawes, deceased Edward II. AFFORD &c
ceased; Henry Shelton Sanford dc
ceased; +. r. Shelton, deceased William
Beardall deceased; ]. !. Daniels. deceased or
est in the Northwest quarter tNW Id of the
northeast quarter NE la of section 4, .pwn-
ship IS south, range u east. in Polk caInty.
Florida, be and they are hereby required TO
appear. to the bill herein the first Monday in
May, A. D. 1921.
1t is further ordered that this orde- be
published once eqch week for twelve cOnsacu-
tive weeks in the Lakeland Evening Tele-
gram. newspaper published in said county
and state.
Witness my hand and the seal of said court
this 9Th Cay of February A. D. 1921
tSEAL) ]. ID. RAULERSON
Clerk of the Circuit Court
Feb. 5 II. 10. %. Mar. s. II, 10, &c. Apr. 2.
., Is. %. 80. chg.
The mouth of the River Nile is 15F
miles wide between the extreme
points on the Mediterranean coast.
Evening star., 1921-03-20

A new profession for women is
that of educational director Tor
stores
Evening star., 1921-03-20
LIVE STOCK MARKETS.

BALTIMORE. March 10 (SpeciaD.-
The live cattle market is practically
UNCHANGED from last week and firm
in tone. Wharf receipts continue
light but fair at stock yards De
mand good for top-grade cattle, but
common stock moves slowly.
Quotations today at Light street
wharf: :,
Beef cattle-First quality. per !b.'
8 to 9: medium, per h., 6 to Z. Bulls.
as to quality. per h., to Z. Cows,
as to quality. per lb... 5 to I. Thin
steers, per lb.. to g.; oxen, as 10
choice to fancy, per head. 5000 to
5000; common to. fair. per head,
5000 to 5000. calves. veal. choice.
per lb., 13; ordinary to medium, per
lb., IL to 12: heavy, smooth, tat, per
head, 1000 to $500: rough, per head
1900 to 1900: common, thin. per
head. 500 to 1000.
Sheep-No. 1, per lb.. to 6; old
bucks, per lb.. to 5: common, per
lb.. 2 to 3. Lambs. choice. per lb, 10
to II; fair to good. per b. to s;
common, thin, per lb., to s.
soMs Messst5atgn1 ,o ana,y per per- o D. to to
stays and boars, per h.. to 6. Live
pigs. as to size and quality. per h.;
L. to Is. Shoats, as to size and
quality, per lb., 10 to l3.
CHICAGO. March 10 Omitted States
bureau of markets. ).-Cattle-R
ceipts, 1000 head, compared with a
week ago, beef steers 25 to so lower: I:
spots off more on heavies; butchers
cows and heifers, mostly % lower;
bulls, stockers and feeders. steady to
25 lower; veal calves, IS to LOO low
HossSReceipts, 1000 head; light
and medium scarce, 10 to 81 nigher'
others slow, mostly weak to II low
er than yesterdays average. with an
other holdover of heavies; top. !!.So,
bulk of 200 lbs. down. ll.0Oal 20
bulk of 22O lbs. up. 9.2oa1O33; pigs
strong to o5 higher: bulk desirable
80 to 12O lb. pigs. 10. 0.5Oa10.75.
Sheep-Receipts. 5000 head: re-
ceipts today practically all to packer
direct; compared with week ago. iight
and handy lambs. so to 10 lower; feeders
less: heavy lambs, mostly 100 off; ;
ewes about 25 lower; wethers around
so lower; yearlings, so to LOO lower.
NEW YORK, March 19:-Cattle-
Receipts, AS head; no trading.
Calyes-Receipts, $50 head; steady.
Ohio yeals sold 13.50a16.5O.
Sheep and lambs-Receipts, 3,l5o
culls' 3.00a4.0O; lambs, S.ooal050;
culls, 7.00as.0O.
Evening star., 1921-03-20
N. Y. RESERVE BANK REPORT.

NEW YORK. March 19.--The state
ment of condition of the Federal Re-
serve Bank of New York at the close
of business March is, shows: Total
serves, S661, ,S97,724: bills discounted
secured by government war obliga-
tions: For members, $3S5.729,5S0; all
others. for members, 1851. 1924, 434; ;
bills bought in open market, s34,-
956,S27; total bills on hand, $772,010,-
S42; total earning assets. sS56.543,-
1S5: uncollected items, $154.006.411;
due to members: Reserve account,
9,356.463; total deposits. S654.377.-
2S2; federal reserve notes in actual
circulation. s7S9, ,920.OS0. Ratio of
total reserves to deposit and federal
reserve note liabilities combined, As
Evening star., 1921-03-20
TRADE CONDITIONS.

NEW YORK. March l9.-Brad-
streets review Of trade says:
Excellent spring weather and the
near approach Of Easter have bright
ened up jobbing and retail trade,
The former sends about the best re
ports since late summer of 1920, and
the latter the best since the pre-
Christmas rush of last year. Then.
too, collections are shade better.
and the automobile and building and
kindred trades have shown more life
an6 have bought more freely of ma
terials. Trade as a whole, in fact
is about fully fair, best reports com
ing from the northern half of the
country.
But when this is said it must
also ne conceded that industry still
lagS: that employment, though more
widely discussed, still lacks heavily
of affording full occupation for mill
lions of workers: that signs of back
wardness or reaction are common.
this, by the way, in lines that led
the 1921 revival; that the general
industrial and commercial movement
is very irregular-spotty is the weeI
most frequently used-and that the
pessimism so freely voiced last week
still finds expression in complaints
that the revival is not as great as
expected
Noting continued hesitation ana
current price uncertainties. with
threatened labor troubles In some In
dustries tending to accentuate Us.
waiting attitude. Dun's Review oe-
clares that the hopeful aspects in the
situation are being more freely em-
phasized and that some basis for en-
couragement is afforded by the indi-
cations of a beginning of spring
building activity in various parts of
the country, The review adds: Com
parative ease in money rates during
a period of large tax payments is also
a favorable augury. while more sta
bility has developed in financial mar
kets generally, and commercial fail
ures, although still numerous and
frequently involving large amounts,
have recently shown some contrac-
ton" February building statistics
are the most favorable that have ap-
peared in several months.
Evening star., 1921-03-20
ferings from smaller producers since

ferings from smaller producers since
the decline to 12-cent levels.
With stocks still accumulating. there
is talk Of increased curtailment, and
lsading producers are maintaining
old prices. Sales to consumers In
February are estimated about sew
enty-four million pounds. Final JAM
uary figures show exports for that
month 54,sS6.516 pounds and imports
39.770.1S2 pounds.
Other Metals Received.
Lead is easier. owing to lower ad-
vices and reduced inquiry. Light
production is somewhat offset by
fears of unloading by weak holders.
Tin shows irregularity. due to the
uncertain trend in Lon3o:l, and
Straits consuming demand. which is
slow. consists mainly of speculative
operations.
Zinc is slightly easier for prompt
and nearby shipment, business being
small.
Anthony is more or less nominal.
owing to continued tariff uncer-
tainty.
Evening star., 1921-03-20
NORTH CAROLINA TOBACCO.

WILSON, N c., March 19.-The
Wilson tobacco market closed the
1920-21 season yesterday, having sold
the largest number OF pounds in any
season in its history. During the
season 62.204.e6 pounds sold here for
sl3.4f63S2.91. at an average of $21,6l
per hundred. In 1880 42.33s.596
pounds were sold for S22.122,2S as
an average of s53.67 per hundred.
The market opened September
with an average of $24-55 per hun
ired and closed yesterday with an
average of $9.23 per hundred. The
highest average of any week during
the season was $2s.76 per hundred,
while $12.93 was the lowest average
during any week.
The markets in other eastern Care.
lima cities also closed yesterday. =
Evening star., 1921-03-20
DEMAND FOR STEEL
I. SLIGHTLY LARGER
Pig Iron Weak, Production
f, Limited; Copper Steady.
Other Metals.

NEW YORK. March ia very
slight improvement is noted in de-
mand for steel products. principally
from builders and automobile manu-
facturers. but generally the market
continues dull. with buying of a
sporadic character. Production con-
tinues to diminish and big companies
are estimated to be running about 50
per cent capacity and independents 20
per cent.
Pig iron is dull and weak. Produc-
ton is limited. and while prices ap-
pear attractive there is a general lack
of new business, and purchases are
mostly in small lots,
Copper Steadicr.
Copper has developed n steadier
tone. but without Improvement in de-
maud. Fresh export business has
been rest Stricted, and so far the recent
price cut does not seem to have had
any stimulating effect. However.
the announcement that the govern
ment had finally disposed &C nearly
thirty million pounds of brass car
fridge cases to private buyers had
a favorable effect on sentiment. and
there has been less pressure of Of
Evening star., 1921-03-20
OUTLOOK FOR WHEAT.

CHICAGO, March 1s.-According to
the Modern Miller. condition OF WIN
ter wheat crop continues generally
favorable. Growth is far advanced
for this time of the year. Spreading
of the green bug area persists and
infestation is general in Oklahoma.
Healthy appearance of the plant les
sens the fear of damage by insects.
Actual reported injury is not impor-.
tant to date. East of the Mississippi
complaints of Hessian fly are numer-
Gus. Soil conditions generally salts
factory. although there is a widening
dry area in western sections, notably
Nebraska
Evening star., 1921-03-20
Optimi.tic View of Cotton.

NEW YORK. March IA more op-
timistic view of the European poilti-
cal prospects was reflected In the
steadiness of the cotton market here
this morning. 1t failed to create any
general or aggressive demand. but
week end realizing sales were quite
readily absorbed with May contracts
advancing from 11.5S to Ills and
closing at 11.72 or points net higher.
The general market closed steady at
a net advance of to 81 points, with
March relatively firm.
There was little more southern
selling than recently, probably re-
sulting from the increased spot busi-
ness in southwestern markets yes
terday. and active positions sold off a
few points right after the call or
about to s points net lower. There
was Wall street and scattered buying.
however. and the market soon stead
led up again. with March selling at
11.24 or "a points net higher in the
late trading. while July advanced
from, 1904 to 1921. or points net
higher.
A new profession for women is
that Of educational director for
Evening star., 1921-03-20

NEW YORK. March 19.-An en-
tireIy new spirit is animating busi-
ness at the present time. Manufac-
turers no longer are thinking about
what prices the trade and the public
will stand, but instead an effort is
being made to market goods at ac-
tual production costs or less. Losses
are being taken by many liberal
minded houses in order to stimulate
demand. Prices based strictly on
production costs offer a Arm founda-
tion from which to build toward
reasonable profit.
The Washington times., 1921-01-28
BRITISH MAY WIN
CHINESE MARKETS
Domination Threatened Unless
Congress Makes New Methods
for U. S. incorporation.

British domination OF the Chinese
markets Will result II action IL not
taken at once by the Congress OF the
United States to permit the ineorpora-
tion OF irms operating In that coun-
try under government rather than
state charters, Carl l.. Seitz, special
OF the United States
Chamber OF Commerce In China, Is
here to tell members or Congress
Seitz also asks that American nrms
operating abroad be exempt from pay
ing excess profits and income taxes on
business conducted abroad that they
might operate on an equal footing
with the British and japanese merch-
ants In China.
The American merchants In the Or T.
ent do not ask that they be exempt
from their personal income and eS-
cess profits taxes. The British firms
are exempt from taxes OF their own
government on the transactions cen
Quoted In China.
The situation abroad is such that
American merchants do not feel they
can complete an Americana Chinese
business alliance they have been
striving for for years. Seitz says. un-
less the Dyer bill. which has been re-
ported TO the House from committee
becomes a law.
The Washington times., 1921-01-28

NEW YORK, Jan. 2S.-The Penn
sylvania Railroad Company has sold
to Kuhn, Loeb & Co. an issue of $780,
OOO,O 900 ffteen-year 6h per cent col
lateral gold bonds. the transaction
involving the first important piece OF
railroad financing of the year.
The bankers have organized syn
dicatc, which is Offering the bonds for
public subscription at 09h and ac-
crued interest, to yield 6.5s per cent
on the investment. Associated with
Kuhn, Loeb e. Co. in the Offering are
the National City Company. the Guar
anty Company OF New York. Dillon,
Read e. Co. Harris, Forbes & Co.,
Kidder, Peabody a. Co, Lee, Higgin-
son & Co, Blair & Co, Inc. Cassatt
& Co., the Union Trust Company of
Pittsburgh and the Continental and
Commercial Trust and Savings Bank
of Chicago.
The bonds are secured by 10000. 900
general mortgage @ per cent gold
bonds of the Pennsylvania Railroad
Company and 10000. 900 general mort
gage 6 per cent gold bonds OF the
Philadelphia, Baltimore & Washing.
ton Railroad Company The securities
have been issued subject to the sp-
proval of the Interstate Commerce
The Washington times., 1921-01-28
Pennsy Sells Big
6b Pct. Bond Issue

Commission and such other govern
mental authorities as may have to
pass upon them.
Proceeds of the $50, ,0OO, 900 bond
sale will go in large part to meet
securities of the Pennsylvania system
maturing in the course of the next
six months. Among the principal
maturities are s24,913.322 AZ per cent
gold loan certificates due June Is and
SIS, $4,000 first gold AVS due July 1.
The last time the Pennsylvania en-
tered the bond market was in April,
1920, when an issue Of $50, ,000, 900 ten
year per cent collateral bonds was
sold to investors. This issue was Sc
cured by s50,000,0 900 general 9 per
cent bonds of the company and S.
100000 OF Philadelphia, Baltimore q
Washington Railroad Company gem
eral 0s. Improvement In market con-
ditions since that time has made II
possible for the company to reduce
the coupon rate on the new issue as
compared with the previous opera
tion. II was reported yesterday that
heavy subscriptions had been received
In advance OF the formal opening q
the books
The Washington times., 1921-01-28
RAPS NEW ENGLAND
REIMBURSEMENT
Wabash Chairman Says Big
Carriers Shouldn't Suffer for
Small Ones Ills.

w. II. Williams, of New York.
chairman OF the Wabash system, to-
day appeared before the Interstate
Commerce Commission and vigor-
ously opposed any favorable action
land carriers. for a readjustment Of
the divisional rate schedules. now In
effect, on interstate traffic. Mr.. WILL
Jams charged that the revenue trou-
bles of the New England lines, is
Sartly due to local traffic difficulties.
within New England. rather than to
impediments in handling by truck line
roads.
"The plight of the New England
roads, in low earnings, is not very
different from the situation that con-
fronts carriers in all other sections"
said Williams. "In every section of
the United States we find today rail-
roads not making the 9 per cent re-
turns. but that does not require that
the more prosperous lines shall sacri-
fee some of their larger earning ca
pacity, simply to bolster up the
some of their bad economies"
Mr.. Williams said that the credit
difficulty of the New England carriers
might be partly solved through a
readjustment of their passenger traffic
arrangements and rates. He as
serted that the commission should
take no step that would have the ef-
feet OF discrimination in favor of the
New England. as against the trunk
line roads, that are more progressive.