Daily picayune., 1921-02-15


 'aass'''s1a veterinary college. They are deserving people. and you feel it a duty to help them along, so the first thing you know your mail box Is damned full of literature. Having paid for 1t, you feel that you ought to read 1t, and your life is ruined thereby.
 "When I was young, the magazines tried to entertain people. They had good stories and Poets Corner, and a department devoted to timely jokes, and another to household hints and do- nestle recipes. There was some sense in reading a magazine then, for 1t soothed and sustained you. But now adays the magazine editors consider It their duty to harrow your soul and make your hair stand on end like quills upon the porkful fretcupine. or words to that effect. They are always viewing with alarm, and trying to con- vince you that you take your life In your hand every five minutes.
 "They have a lot of health special ists writing for them. and these health sharps point out that pretty near ev- erything you eat and drink is deadly poison. They didn't scare me to any great extent. for l am most intrepid man, but they soon had my wife so rattled she didn't know whether she was going or coming.
 "I always was passionately fond CT good cup of coffee, and my wife could make the best coffee, you ever heard of. She went to work at it like learned apothecary compromising prescription. There was no guess work about it. She took an honest pride in It, and her coffee was reve- latlon 10 every consumer. used 10 He awake at night wishing il was break fast time. so could have my morning cup of coffee.
 "B, he morning when went 10 ihe table the {, flee was missing. Tn its place there was sickly beverage l had never seen before. l asked an ex- planstlon. and my wife said that no more coffee would be made in our house. The wonder is, said she, that we still live and move and have our De- ing for coffee is a rank poison. N yon read Dr. Zinkfoogle's article in the Junkopoltan Magazine. you will see that coffee contains large percentage of tannin. which is so deadly that 1T you place drop on the tongue or an alligator. it will roll over, dead.
 'I told ner that had no ailigators on The premises and consequently could not try the experiment. but l assured her that didn't care anything about the poison wanted my coffee al regular hours. She said I'd have 10 keep on wanting. She thought too much of me to send me to an untlmely grave. And. anyhow, she explained pr. Zinkfeogle had told how to make q l substitute for coffee that was perfect lv wholesome. She had followed his i instructions. and the result was before me. Perhaps it didn't taste as good as coffee. but il was wholesome. II would | fin my veins with red COrpuscles and restore hair 10 my bald head. II was made of marrowfat peas which had l been carefully roasted in hot oven.
 ''In order to get q cup of coffee after | that | had to make sneak to the chop house. and the kind dished up there made me old before my time. My wife cut out all my favorite dishes De- 1 cause Dr. Zinkfoogle or some other magazine writer denounced them, and | finally I was living on roasted peas coffee and boiled spinach, and con cluded that if I had to feed like the cows I'd live like them, so l came to the forest fastnesses.