New-York tribune., 1921-05-08

tAG W y ONE really can tell how
lunches come," wrote a
reviewer discussing the
chapter under that head
ing In The Gentle Art of Columning.
IN that chapter had said that every
paragrapher has definite system of
woolng the spark of inspiration lust
as every old barn has system of
Lightning rods to pull the electric
hashes down out Of the clouds.
then briefly stated the systems
used by F. P. A., Christopher Morley
and Don Marquis. A more detailed
account is here given of the systematic
search Tor lunches. Jim Smiley, para
gfapher OF The Kansas City News, an
evening paper, sits down to his desk
and begins reading the Morning Sheet.
de is looking for lunches. Here are
some of the news items. The battle
OF the Marne has ended in a German
retreat. Won Moltke has resigned his
army office (Jim Smiley doesn't know
just what that Office is; Jim, being a
Kansan and writing for Kansans, knows
much about the art of agriculture and
at that time--nothing about the art
Of war;
A special dispatch describes the
French soldiers uniform. The old red
trousers familiar to Americans through
paintings of the war of III were actual
~ worn in the battle of the Marne by
the class of soldiers that roughly
corresponds to our National Guard.
Other items in the paper tell of the
robbery of train in Oklahoma, The
robbers fired one shot in the air and
the train conductor sat down and
died Of apoplexy. Henry Ford's new
farm tractor will be on the market
within two years. Lillian Russell has
returned to the stage with RAYMOND
Hitchcock's revue. L
Jim Smiley read the entire paper
without getting hunch. Had he been
unframed he would then have turned
to other papers and browsed through
editorials and paragraphs and paved
over the magazines seeking an inspira-
flon. But such method, or rather
such lack Of method, means failure
for the daily columnist. Jim then in
voked his system. He took red uencu
and went through the paper agar,
marking with cross every news item
Chat was really new-that is, those
which he had never "paragraphed' be-
fore. That eliminated Henry Ford's
farm tractor. 1t had been mentioned
from time to time in previous dis
patches, and since Jim's readers were
supported by agriculture Jim had
already worked off all the gags he
could think of about the farm tractor
and Ford. 1t was now "old stuff"
The same applied to Lillian Russell
and her stage career. The conductor
dying of apoplexy when bandits robbed
his train didn't appeal to jim as good
laughing material because Kansas City
is g great railroad town and many of
the dead conductors friends lived
there. and any joke he made about it
would bring him several "kicks" from
mis- readers.
After Jim had red penciled all the
promising news stories ne took his
writing pad and wrote brief SUM-
rlary of the stories, thus:
Won Moltke has been dropped from
the German staff.
The French army has ceased retreat |
ing and is advancing.
French soldiers wear red pants. ETC., |
He had score Of such items all |
written on one sheet of paper. Then |
he sat down to pump jokes out OF
them. He wrinkled his brow, stared /
fxedly at the twenty items and said to
himself: "Come on, Concentration, i,
come on" Within two minutes he was
in trance and the ideas began hop
ping about in his brain like rabbits
Jumping in and out of hedgerows. Won
Moltke had quit. "The Kaiser's back
ars are quitting him Won by Von." The
French army in red pants suddenly
turns with the first frost of autumn
Ind drives the olive-colored Germans /
pack. "The Germans camoufiaged
themselves in green and had all the
,est of 1t until frost turned the forests
ed. And then the green uniforms
we're easy marks for the French" And
20 it went with every one of Jim's
wenty news items. Concentration
rielded wheeze out of every one of
hem. Then for variety's sake Jim de-
ided to have verse or two. So he
urned the red pants paragraph into
he following rhyme:
STRATEGY OF THE FALL
CAMPAIGN II
he Frenchmen fought In bright red |
pants, II
md failed to check the foe'e advance;
he Germans wore garb of green, II
md thus they blended in the scene. II
he French red pants ell men could