The New York herald., 1921-05-15
BY. DAN CAREY.
EPITAPH TO A COCKTAIL.
Here lies Johnny Cocktail,
Whose life was rather rotten ;
Gently weep, he was so frail
Gone, but not forgotten.

(N - we decided 10 take q rlde Oh tue loP
Of one Of these buses for the purpose
of personally investigating the dis
unieting rumors that being circulated
10 the effect that girls are kissing the male
passengers. Besides, we were at the corner
of Twenty-thrd street and Fifth avenue and
wanted to go up to the Public Library. To
board a bus was the logical way Of reaching
there. After several attempts we walked
down to Washington square, where they
start, and Joined the several hundred per-
Sons who were standing in line and after
about thirty minutes we succeeded in get
ting a seat
Our walk had taken us along that pro-
to.ype of the River of Doubt down in South
America You will remember that the
River of Doubt runs up hill. Well, the num-
oers ons Fifth avenue run backwards.
Number 149 is at Twenty second street and
diy ecty across the street is 100. block
and half further downtown is No. $50
and directly across the street is 131. We
have friend who has burdened his mind
vith some kind of mathematical system by
which he knocks off the last number OF
any street number, either divides or multi
plies by two 1--WE forget which) and then
adds. according to the avenue the number
is on, anything from eight ten to twenty
cr twenty-five, and by this method he is
able after a time to announce in what
nlock the street number is.
It's a great system, but it is too compli-
Gated Our friend defends it vigorously,
however.
Suppose you went to a number of Fifth
avenue" he said, "how would you tell be-
tween what cross streets it was?'
"By looking at the sign on the corner"
we replied.
But suppose you were in another part of
town." he snapped at us. how would you
lind out then?'
by asking cop we replied triumphant
ly.
why. any child could do that" he
answered.
We ignored the insult and calmly said:
Certainly, that is what cops are for"
Well anyway, we almost destroyed his
faith in his system the other day by getting
him to figure out for us where numbers
would be on Fifth avenue. He used up all
mis- spare paper and both cuffs and would
have continued his mathematical calcua-
tions on our shirt bosom had we permitted
I him, but he never did construct system
that would place No. $50 and No. 131 across
The street from each other in the same
Lock.
THE system is rotten" we told him.
ANY system that does not prove out all
the time is worse than no system at ALL"
We left him almost weeping with chagrin.
but still working at II. II he works out
\ system for the numbers of Fifth avenue
We are going to back him for a system at
Monte Carlo.
EPITAPH TO A HANSON CAB.
Here lies the body of hanson cab.
Well known TO you and me;
shed scalding tears upon this slab;
A faithful friend was he.
w TE remember very well that we have
NA/ in the past defended kissing, but
w that was before the days when
the women on the buses began OVERRIDING
the thing, that is, of course, If the rumor
* true. We must admit that personally
we are still unkissed, and it may be possible
;hat there is the slightest bit of rancor
connected with present opposition.
Upon climbing to the top OF the bus we were
plainly in a very receptive mood. but
nothing occurred. Quite the contrary. Sew
eral girls looked the other way, one stuck
her nose up In the air with a little toss OF
ser head and still another positively shifted
al us when we caught her eye.
But IL the report be true something should
BE done for the protection Of the men At
present there is no means of escape except
1 narrow winding stairway at the rear.
Why would il not be well TO have chute.
like a playground slide, trailing off the rear
end so that when some beautiful girl with
chestnut locks and, soulful eyes, a dimple
and n laugh, attempted to throw her arms
around man and press her ruby lips on his
IN an impulsive kiss the poor fellow could
simply dive headlong into the chute and
escape?
OR II might be well to rent the men quick
opening parachutes 50 they could leap over
the side OF the bus and float over the traffic
10 the sidewalk. These could be rented out
,ust as are steamer chairs, and there ought
TO be some profit in II.
We have kissed several girls in our life
time, but we did not enjoy the experience.
We reverse the operation OF the old bird who
kissed statue. You know the story has 1t
that he chiselled a statue of a woman from
stone and when he had finished her she
was so beautiful that he fell in love with
her and he gave expression to his love BY
kissing her on the lips. She came to life.
Tnat was some kiss. Now Just the reverse
is true with US When we kiss them they
turn TO stone.
EPITAPI 70 A PLANKED STEAK.
who lies beneath this grassy mound?
Planked Steak I know: