The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1921-03-28
By A. LATADY

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aid Of Wednesday, wherein the inscrip-
tons on the tombs of those who were
cartooned to have gone their long jour-
neys by wag of John Barleycorn's vine
yard, indicated to the wise the way they
had gone. l beg leave to say that like
nearly all epitaphs they were eloquent
of truths, of the depths of which they
were quite as unconscious as the stones
upon which they were engraved.
A stone fountain piece wears the same
expression whether it's bounties poured
forth are to be used for culinary or sac
alone is known the purposes to which
its gifts are to be devoted, even as it
may not be known beforehand what
moral we propose to draw from that car
toon.
If the terrestrial body be subject to
epidemics Of bolts, measles, whooping
cough and the like, the spiritual body is
IL history is to be trusted-subject to
spiritual inhrmities which are quite as
malignant, and for which there is no cure
until they have run out their course in
the communities in which they have
arisen, giving place to succeeding mala-
dies in accordance with the imnutable
laws Of uniformity in diversity. Para
unvariableness of which we have any
exact knowledge, Is continual change.
The unthinkable burdens which the ex-
ponents Of one form of insanity would
fasten on the body and spirit of the
times, must give place to the unthinkable
burdens of the mind which the opponents
of another form of insanity would fasten
on the minds of men, or vice versa; and
Righteousness of conduct must yield TO
Righteousness of mind; and one form OF
puritanisrn must yield to the other; or
falling into utter and inextricable con-
fusion, they confound conduct and
thought and make war upon themselves.
Like Hudibrog's sword that ate into
itself for lack of something else to hew
and hack.
To just such state of bedlam and
confusion had the minds and affections
of men brought them during the, fifth
century of the Christian era. a period I'M
PARALLEL in, history; sect struggling with
sect, creed with creed, churches rising
and churches falling, dogmas set up by
this council to be overthrown by that
council, and yet out of this chaos there
emerged monumental peace" of which
the cartoon Is suggestive as the prevail
ing insanity literally buried all oppo-
siton. and gloried in the victory of death
Ever the same old controversy, the Is
sue of which is with the most nurous
and yet, being of little more worth in
the. end than would be the solution OF
Montaign's proposition that his cat got
as much sport out of him as he got out
o: his cat when he played with her. How
the great teacher detested such bravery
of opinion! Now it signifies little to eithe
side what sort of denominations may be
the result of the conflict; but it may be
L. t,.I
say into the Businesses of unrighteousness
at first that we may appreciate the, OF
ferses being engendered.
An old farmer from the country tells
me that there are in his neighborhood,
men who formerly borrowed "a meals
victuals" who now have money in banks,
ride in automobiles, and hold mortgages
on their neighbors farms.
Oh, the beautiful, bewitching eyes of a
dollar bill! Who would compare the
prophet of the old dispensation with the
profits of the new?
Now for a one act play tArsty
devotee of John B. orders a bottle of
"hooch'' from a purveyor to the king,
and the hour is appointed for the de-
livery at the office of the aforementioned
thirsty one. The hour arrives and there
l.; knock at the office door; the thirsty
one huskily bids the knocker enter-a
sweet lCtle Dtde-eyeu, IldNeIl-ifdlTeu SiTi
q believe blue eyes and flaxen hair are
strictly poetical. innocent and dramatic),
enters the sanctum OF the devotee hold
ing in her hand a paper bag of most
innocent appearance and dropping a
courtsy--I believe that too is proper in
dramatic narration says my papa told
me to leave this package in No.. IL
this office building" This is No.
says the thirsty one, and the little angel
&c dAu f1a a,lya o,,l 1arx, v-fe ~
riosity-you know the rest gentle reader,
and ] need not prolong the affectation-
peeps into the bag, and the enraptured
gaze of the thirsty one beholds (wait
a minute, my mouth waters, I cannot
write) one full quart of M. D. AS his
thirst sharpens, his conscience catches
the infection. and the thirsty one hes
itates and moralizes.
BY whom was this brought to my Of
flee? Is it not written: Woe to him by
whom the offense cometh?" / will await
the erring father who has compelled this
innocent child to do this nefarious Of
Tense, and / will reprove him. who
knows but he may hear me and shall
win him from his error.
Not being willing to trust his booze
unpaid-for too long a time in the poses
sion OF the customer. the father of the
little angel puts in an appearance In the
very midst Of this mad career of moral
izing on the part of the customer, enter
ing the office unbidden The moralist
stands a-tip-toe (any lesser figure being
Intellectual to elevate the mind Of the
reader to the pitch of the moralist), and
THUS Great Bacchus speaks: DO you
realize, oh thou degenerate father, that
1t were better for you that milestone
had been hanged about your neck and
that you had been thrown into the sea.
than that you be tho cause of the stumbl
ling Of that little girl you sent to this
office but this moment past with that
bottle of "hooch.' 20, piffle,' said the
stuff" Did you distil it yourself, and
have you any permit to inake 1t and
bottle it abroad?" You are just as
guilty as am and you don't dare say
anything about Il: let's take drink;
the article is fine The moralist col
lapses; he knows now what is meant by
a belly full Of the east wind, and he
joins his porticeps in drink. pays his
footing, and moralixes with himself
Who put the price on the stuff. SO hig,
that even the saints-those being except
ed who have equally remunerative
sources of revenue-are tempted. In
what country we live: wherein a shan,
a bastard freedom waves the fustian rag
QUESTION. will now console myself.
Curtain falls. ct acta ,vs5rantnr).
Another one act play. Dramatis per-
sonae same as to vendor and vector but
the emptor is a man Of the world !; sr-n
another office; parts played the same
as in the foregoing down to and includ-
ing the deposit of the bottle in the office.
Father Of vector enters office; man of
the world directs him to remove him