The Birmingham age-herald., 1921-08-28
By JAMES J. MONTAGUE

If you are under 30, have a low ing heart and husky constitution, you do not need to worry about your livelihood. You can get good pay ing job as movie child.
 There are doubtless correspon- dence schools which give excellent courses in movie chiidine. But they are hardly necessary.
 The best way to begin is to 50 right to a movie factory and apply for the job. If you can give a satis- factory performance the first time, you will get it. After that all you need do is to follow the instruc- titns of the director.
 Before you begin. however, there are few things that you ought to know. Tho purpose of this article IS to acQuaint you with them.
 It is necessary in the first place to know how to swim. Movie chil- dren seldom have mothers, being the sort of children who seem to be cursed by stepmothers
 Now stepmothers are not only cold hearted and wicked, but highly irascible and temperamental females When they get put out about any thing, such as a damp day taking the curl out of their hair, or q bad night at the neighborhood bridge game one of the first things they do is to take the movie child by its hand and lead the trusting little creature down to the river.
 Just as he Is saying: Look, mama. see the pretty ship" the stepmother se,.zes him under the arms. takes a couple of practice swings. and hurls him into the water.
 If the movie child can swim, it is all right If he can't he has to walt for the hero. who thoroughly dis guised as big hearted lengshore- man dives off dock nearby and hurries to the rescue.
 This is all right if the hero hap pens to know how to swim. But supposing he deesn't Where would the movie child be then?
 Melting Eyes
 Another prime requisite for movie childing is the ability to influence by . look the hard hearts of bur glars, installment collectors, and small town deacons whose business 1t is to foreclose the mortgage on property occupied as dwellings by movie children and their impover- ished parents.
 Many . burglar. with his bag all neatly packed with gold and jewels and bonds. has dropped the swag and the movie child sat up in bed while the subtitle said for him:
 That's my papa's money in that bag; he was saving 1t to join a golf club with. sir
 If this is done properly the bur glar will not only restore every thing in the bag to the various pieces of furniture. but will leave a note Informing the movie chiid's papa that he (the burglary has put him up at his (the burglars) own soif club and will expect him around at o'clock that afternoon to play a foursome.
 If the caller happens to be the deacon after the money long overdue on the mortgage the movie child must say:
 "when am a man I shall go into the deacon business mysclf and fore close a mortgage on your farm, you big bum."
 This will be too much for the dea- con and with a harsh cry, which. of eeurse, you must infer from the ex- pression of hts face. he will leave tho place. never to return.
 Another thing much expected of the movie child is to be frequently iil---oh. desperately ill.
 He must iis in little white bed with an expression of deep suffering on his little white face. while the old doctor snaps the lid of his medi- cine case and shakes his head. in- that thsre is no hope what ever. Then the child must summon all it's little strength. pull itself op the pillow and say:
 Never fear. mother. I do not in- tend to leave you"
 Then everybody will smils. and the bAffled doctor will stamp out of the house in . blind fury. his profes-