Polk County news. [volume] (Benton, Tenn.) 191?-1983, 1921-03-10

course, you want to put coat OF your
LIQUID porcelain on it, as measure of
economy but, like all your retrench-
ment schemes, it would be fzzle.
The porcelain would never dry, and
the first time 1 took bath I'd get my
person covered with it and would have
to 90 to the taxidermist for relief.
Last summer you had another great
scheme for saving our hard-earned
doubloons. You painted the lawn
swing and never said word to me
about it. After dark, took seat in
the swing, to rest my weary bones, and
when l wanted to leave it, l found
couldn't. l stuck to that swing like
two-cent stamp to a dunning letter.
The neighbors had to come over and
pry me loose with spades and things
before 1 could get away. My rafment
was ruined, and it was suit l had
worn only three seasons. You ex-
planned to me afterward that you
thought you'd be saving money by
painting the swing yourself. Your pas
sionate fondness for the kind of econo-
my that involves spending money has
brought these gray hairs to my side
boards and made me old before my
time.
There's only one reliable way to
save money, Mrs. Jamesworthy. Salt
it down. Put it in a tin can and solder
the did down tight. If you go to the
druggists and grocers and hardware
men, and ask them how to ecQppmlze,
they'll try to sell you something that
will put you in Easy street. I don't
blame them for it. They are In bust
ness for the purpose of selling things,
but no sane woman would accept any
one of them as her guide, philosopher
and friend, in matters OF retrench-
ment.
ut was the druggist who sold you
five gallons of his patent disinfectant,
telling you that you might save vast
sums Of money by having 1t on hand.
There was contagious disease IN
town then, and the druggist pointed
out that people who had the disease
were almost bankrupted by the ex-
pense. In case the disease was head
ed in our direction, all we had to DO
was to use this disinfectant and we'd
be immune. The disguised malady
would turn in its tracks and hike away
in some other direction.
"Of course, having the disinfectant
on hand, we were suffering to use 1t,
and when you heard that a man in the
neighborhood had the heaves you con-
Guided it was time to get busy. you
sprayed the house with the stuff, and
you know what happened then. we
had to borrow tent and camp out on
the lawn for week. The aroma in
Testing the house was SO strong that
the clock stopped and all our priceless
oil paintings turned black.
"Nobody could enter the house with
out wearing a sack over his head. II
rained all the time we were camped
on the lawn, and we all caught the
champion colds of our lives. 1t was
week of unauthorized misery, and II
was the result of your determination
to save money by every expensive
means. The only comfort or pleasure
l got out of the whole business was de-
rived from twisting the druggists nose
and telling him what l thought of him.
1.-THE grocer told you last fall that
YOU might save fabulous sums by buy
ing several bushels of tomatoes, ana
eight dozen glass jars, and endless
quantities Of spices and vinegar, ana
making your own ketchup. You made
it, Mrs. Jamesworthy, and it all spoil
ed. we buried 1t darkly at dead OF
night, the sods with our bayonets turn
ing"
"You think you're smart. don't your
innnired Mrs InmpsMorthY netulantly.