davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1921-11-20
ByGEORGE AIDE
The Pretty Dream and
How 1t Was Jazzed
Up

~ NE day pure white Soul
~ that made Sonnets by hand
was hiding in its apartment
and embroidering a Canto. He
had all the Curtains down and was
sitting beside a Shaded Candle
waiting for the Muse to keep her
Appointment. He wore an Azure
Dressing Gown. Occasionally he
wept, drying his Eyes on a Salmon
Pink Handkerchief bordered with
yellow Morning Glories Any one
could tell by looking at him that
he was delicate Organism and
had been raised under Glass.
Presently he put his Nit to the
Mansard and began to indite with
a pearl-handled Pen on Red Paper.
Then there was Ring at the Bell.
"Oh, Fudge!" said the Author.
"That distressing Sound! And
just when l was beginning to gen.
crate Ethereal Vapor. Hereafter ]
shall order the vulgar Tradespeo-
pie to deliver all Marshmallows at
the Servants Entrance.
He began to write again, reviv-
ing himself at the end of each
Word, by means Of Smelling Salts.
He did not see the Artist stand
ing in the Doorway.
The Artist was q muscular Per-
son with an Ashen Complexion
and a Suit that was not large
enough to show the entire Pat
tern. He carried Bludgeon with
a Horses Head on it.
In order to attract the Atten-
ton of Mr. Swinburne, he whistled
through his Teeth, whereupon the
Author jumped over the Table and
fell among the Rugs, family call
ing:
Mother! Mother"
"Cut it out I" exclaimed the Ar
fist. Whats eatin' yuh? Huh"
"Oh, how you startled me-"
said the Author sitting up among
the Rugs. "Just as you came in
l was writing about the Fays
and the Elfins. / was in the
deep Greenwood, the velvet
Sward kissing my wan Cheek and
the Leaves whispering overhead"
81 see," said the Artist. "A
The Washington times., 1921-11-20
By G. K. CEIESTERTON---
(The Engltsh Wit, Whose SaAies Haze Made All America
Laugh During His Recent Tour of the United States)
what is Humor7" Asks Gcseron Does Not Grow in Wilder
ness But In GadenAfr ALL the RedNosed Comedian Takes
Certain Amount OF Trouble in the Public Interest"

various pictures I have seen of my.
self. It Ii not fantastic.
Then there IL at the end, ''he
weareth the runcible hat"
So perfect had been the prepare
ton that they were almost led to
believe there was hat bearing that
name.
That spirit of order and proportion
in the fantastic seems to me to be a
thing worth noting. II might con-
meet 1t with those larger matters on
which 1t was the original intention
that should deal-the aftermath of
war-I would say that I for one
have never repented for a moment
such little work as did do In help
ing better men than I to fight for
what still believe to have been the
cause of all that is sane In human
civilization.
But should like to say that. in
order to measure the value Of that
great historical operation, the great
difficulty is that It is impossible
to measure the escape. Our sue
cess Of our triumph was negative,
and not vivid to the imagination.
II Mr.. Robinson has escaped
from brigands who were going to
torture him, he continues to be
Mr.. Robinson. and goes up to the
city every morning. He is not.
perhaps. in himself an inspiring
object-but IL you wish to measure
what was done for Mr.. Robinson
you must measure what was not
done to him.
II in that great conflict the
chance Of victory had gone
the other way I am very certain
indeed that history in a sense
would have stopped. that it would
not have been worth writing.
Civilization, with all its arts.
would gradually have decayed back
into sort Of primordial slime. and
among those arts which would
have decayed is-as essential and
vital and even more peculiar than
any other-that art of high civil
lied humor. the flower OF the
fantastic, for this also does not
grow In a wilderness, but in q
garden.
Copyright, 1870
The Washington times., 1921-11-20

and yet we can see that II such \
race ultimately does emerge from
error. really does set itself along
noble paths-if it decides to go right.
because of its free choice in that
direction, because 1t willed to do
SO. and not because It must-then
the creation of such a race migat
be infinitely worth while: for the
standard of achievement will ulti-
mately become something higher
than we can readily imagine.
1t is no great act Of faith to as
sumo that to Vision so far-sighted
and patient that it could wait four
hundred million years for the ap-
pearance d human race upon this
planet, the outcome of a free and
responsible race Of beings such as
can. in the long process Of future
time. be evolved, looms SO majestic
and lofty that all the sin and suf-
fering, all the tedious stages
through which we now and for
many centuries must pass, are more
than justified.
This planet can still look forward
to millions Of years of habitable
temperature. The sun shows no sign
of fading for another twenty million
years; who can say what in that pc
Rod may not be accomplished?
Tho present state OF tho world
is but stop in the age-long process.
Imperfection is rampant and OBJ
vious. yet already we catch more
than a glimmering OF hope, and
perceive that the end and aim are
far beyond anything that could have
been attained in any other way.
The world-desperately imperfect as
It now isis yet the best world that
could have so far been constructed.
1t is an embryo, not finished prod
uct. 1t is ugly because incomplete.
The finished product Is far ahead.
1t is our mission and privilege to
Hcip anu Hdstcn tuS pTOCebb, Dut u
cannot be unduly hurried. Not even
God can hasten 1t beyond what our
FREQ will permits. He can see the
ultimate outcome, he can inspire us
with some dim vision OF 1t. and so
help us on the steep and thorny
way to the realization of 1t.
Let no man presume to say that
this world is less good than 1t
might have been made. That would
be blasphemy. Given the conditions
and the ultimate aim, and the pres
ent fncompleteness, then we may
confidently assert that at its present
stage the world is the best OF all
that were possible, under the condi-
lions and subject to the ultimate
hope.
In that sense. and in that sense
only. this IL the best Of all pos-
sible worlds.
(CspyTight.iSa1A
The Washington times., 1921-11-20

dependent on wind and weather a.
was the old sailing ship.
Tho great danger to commercial
aviation, as I see it, is the coming
scarcity of pilots. The excellent
pilots now working on the Always
owe their training almost exclusive
iy to the war. There they were up
against conditions which make
commercial flying seem a cinch.
In the future, however. when tho
war pilots have retired or are dead.
who will replace them? VIII pilots
who are trained in a few month";
schooling at an aviation camp be
equal to the men who flew in tho
war? And are these pupii-fliers
ooEning forward? i.
N the near future there will be
Sucn an expansion OF commercial
aviation that good pilots-in fact,
any sort OF pilots-will BE- at q
premium. 1t is to be hoped, for the
public safety. that the companies
will be forced to adopt the strictest
examinations and trials before they
allow untried men the privilege OF
being responsible for human lives
and valuable freight.
Motors can be made perfect. So
can airplanes-and viii, soon. But
the perfect pilot--will there -
enough OF himf
The Washington times., 1921-11-20

proven dependable. In s,sss cases
out of 10000 q pilot will not make
mistake causing fatal accident. Can
machines-automobile locomotives
boast a record n fine as that?
A day is coming when airplanes
will be a great deal safer than either
trains or automobiles. They will be
large. multi-engined and their sta
bilization will be such that laYding
will be child's play. Moreover. tho
human element will disappear. for
there will always be two or more
pilots and mechanics.
Modern giant airplanes ride out q
gale easier than ocean liners. They
have a vast advantage over ships
in that they can sec a storm COM
ing and, by ascending or descend
Ing, avoid 1t. Every aviator knows
that many storm clouds can be
lodged by an airplane as easily as
q chauffeur can dodge an obstacle
in a road. Moreover, airplanes are
compact nowadays; streamlined.
they cannot be torn to pieces by the
wind. They can be blown out Of
their course, but they cannot be
beaten down and wrecked except
by most exceptional conditions.
They are lightoing-proof and. II
they are multi-snsined, hailproof.
A modsrn ntxnlsns,as -ase Aalf q
The Washington times., 1921-11-20

sense Of responsibility. Beings con-
structed on mechanical lines might
be mechanically perfect, but thci-
perfection would be Of a low order.
In no sense could they ever develop
into creatures fit for companionship
with Deity. They would be lower
even than savages possessing the
power Of self-determination; for
there would be no future before
them, no possibilities of heroic
achievement. nothing to relieve the
deadly monotony Of mechanical per-
lection.
The problem Of creation was a
much higher one than that. We
must assume that the scheme in
volved the gradual creation Of race
Of free beings endowed with a spark
Of the divine, a race with a knowl-
edge of good and evil, with a
power Of choice. Determined in their
actions by motives and intentions,
truly, but self-determined; not kept
in grooves by an alien power, but
free to roam over the board, to 70
through the whole gamut Of conduct,
to make mistakes. TO find out the,.-
errors. to perceive for themselves
the destructiveness of sin, the merit
and safety Of virtue. and to choose
for themselves tho path they ulti-
mately take.
Such a race may DO grievously
wrong. 1t may fall into pathetic
blunders. 1t may commit atrocious
crimes, but It has an infinite poten-
TALLY before It. 1t may rise till 4,
becomes as gods; 1t may fall till 1t
becomes as devils.
Tho whole power of Deity is i'm
potent to coerce such a race Of FREQ
beings into anything like perfection.
The charter of freedom has been
granted and cannot be abrogated.
The risk must be run. For better,
for worse. they must decide their
own destiny.
They can. be Influenced, helped.
guided. lcd-yes; but not pushed,
impelled, or forced. Even the High
est can only reach them by example.
by precept. by warning, by instruc-
ton. The highest OF the race may
be made use of to instruct and awak-
en- their fellows. All manner of
wholesome influences may be rained
upon them. But II they will not
hear. IL they will not mend their
own ways, II they will not look up
and ask for aid. all those efforts
may be wasted and lost upon them.
The world Is as good a. IL could
be made under those conditions.
But was the risk worth running7
It IL not for us to Judge with any.
thing approaching Divine forsdsht
The Washington times., 1921-11-20

the fantastic or flippant in ordinary
conversation or controversy, but.
over and above that. there Is pleas
ure In that thing itself. The thing
which misled the communist or the
man In the club on those two occa-
sions. and led him to think that the
common and frigid logician on the
other side Is fanciful or flippant is
the fact that the logician ia possibly
roaring with laughter or otherwise
obviously enjoying the situation.
In other words. when fanciful
image Is brought forth It gives a
certain pleasure for Its own sake
All incongruity has its own proper
ton. like anything else.
Take ''the COW jumped over the
moon" The main incongruity which
there struck the childish mind de-
pended upon the solidity and sim
plicity Of the images themselves.
The child has seen a COW and a
moon. and. although the picture is
fantastic. 1t is also clear. But IL
they altered the cow by giving It a
donkey's ears. instead of horns, re-
placing its hoofs by paws. and CIV
ing 1t stripes like a zebra, they
might enjoy themselves a consider
able time, but the point would ar
rive at which the COW became UNI
recognizable, and the image is lost.
The essential and vital perfection of
fantastic literature is that It should
not be too fantastic.
DEFENSE OF EDWARD LEAR.
Edward Lear seemed to be greater
than Lewis Carroll, richer and more
romantic in his style. There is that
short poem In which that artist ex-
pressed his ego. the poem about
How pleasing to know Mr.. Lear
His mind Is intense and chimerical,
Old Floss Is the name of his cat;
His body is perfectly spherical:
He t0eareth r7tncible hat.
That verse Is not mere string
Of nonsense words; 1t worked up
carefully to the effect. Old Floss
IL a reasonable name for a cat. The
statement that Ibis body 10 perfect
iy spherical" might appear to carry
symmetry too far. but. to judge by
The Washington times., 1921-11-20
PARIS. Nov. ~.

"LYING by airplane should b n
safe as travelling by railway,
automobile or boat.
Any one of a hundred things can
wreck a train. Automobiles are a
continual source Of danger. not only
to the passengers but to passers-by.
Ships may run into icebergs or strike
rocks.
The risks Of airplane travelling are
confined almost entirely to landing
and in this the capability Of tho pilot
is fundamental. Running a locomo-
tive is a question Of mechanics-a
score of safety devices. operated by
hundreds of employees. serve to pre-
vent accidents. The human element
is there, but to a less degree.
But In an airplane-in a small one
anyway-the pilot Is everything.
Tho airplaae may have been tested
thoroughly before departure, the
motor may be perfect. the weather
superb, but IL the temperament Of
the pilot fails an accident L. almost
certain.
Perhaps the great aviation COM
panies Of today tie their tpurse-
strings too tightly. Perhaps they
do not pay high enough wages to
attract perfect pilots.
At any rate the human eismAmE q
The Washington times., 1921-11-20
By STEPHEN LEACOCK :,
(The DlfiN0Mshed HMn10Tiaf and Professor =
of Political Economy McGM UniueysitO
You Suggested that Should Forward My Impressions of England to
America My Arrival Here-Don Forget That Was to Be Is
Cents for Each IMPRESSION Ann Delighted With the Idea"

Still. II you are willing to call It IN
impression. please put It into our
account.
You remember that you suggest
ed that should cable you at once.
from the ship II possible. 1000 words
on English life and character. The
English visitors always do that to us
as soon as they land. and It seemed
reasonable that / should work 1t
back on them.
am sorry to say that failed.
Somehow couldn't get It.
ENGLISH CHARACTER.
To tell the truth, didn't notice
any particular character when
landed at Liverpool. haven't yet.
Imean to say. I saw a lot Of GUS
toms men. and policemen. and por-
tiers. and taxi men-but character,
how do you get It? 1t absolutely
beats me.
And yet these clever English liter
airy men seem to come over and
pick It off US like huckleberries.
It's my opinion that we give our
character away too easily. We must
20 around talkine like boobs or
they wouldn't get 1t.
On character. therefore, I am I'M
able to say anything except that in
three weeks have seen none of It.
THE FOOD PROBLEM.
You will recall also that you pro-
posed that should say something
about work and unemployment and
the food problem. Are these peo-
ple." you asked in your impressive
way. being fed?"
have looked up this question,
and I answer. as far as can tell
from the people / have seen. that
they are. have seen a great many
people here, some that you know,
and others-I have seen Ian Hay
and Cyril Maude. and Sir James
Barrie-oh. a lot of them; indeed.
most of the writer's and actors. and
they all seem well fed. and warmly,
II not richly. dressed. see no signs
of distress among them.
Martin Harvey and Forbes-Rob-
ertson both have new overcoats this
month; in fact, all the writer's and
artists will get through this win.
ter without help.
take for granted that II they can
live the other classes can. II this
Is an impression make the most
of It.
OUR HEART.THROBS.
You asked me. too. about the
thought OF the people. What you
said. leaning far over your desk and
reaching out into the air. was: what
is in the minds OF these people?
What"-you added half to yourself.
though I heard you-"are they
thinking?" To which only can
reply that 1 don't think that they
are.
I say this with some assurance, be-
cause made a special investigation
into this matter 80 as to compare our
transatlantic thought with what I
had intended 10 call tho mind of
England.
On the day Of leaving New York
I looked all through our daily press
and noticed the topica that seemed
The Washington times., 1921-11-20

LONDON. Nov. 10.
THE EDITOR, ANY AMERICAN
MAGAZINE.
ESTEEMED SIR:
W GU will remember that before
my departure Tor England
you made . proposal az hon
orable to you as 1t was lucrative to
me. You suggested that I should.
upon my arrival here. forward you
ut once my impressions of England.
and promised that every impression
I received should be paid for irnme-
diately in American money.
was delighted to enter into this
idea. and had every expectation OF
obtaining impressions with the
greatest rapidly. / think I was
justified in this expectation when
consider with what ease impressions
are received on our side Of the
water.
1 remember that Hugh walpole
said that he could hardly walk
down Broadway without getting at
least three dollars worth. and on
Fifth Avenue six dollars worth.
Mr.. Chesterton seemed to get all
the Impressions he wanted simply
by sitting in the hotel corridor and
looking into his hat.
And I recollect that st. John
Ervine came up to my house in
Montreal. drank a cup OF tea. bor-
rowed some tobacco, and got away
with about sixty dollars worth of
impressions Of Canadian life and
character.
KEEP COMMANDMENTS.
Now. how these fellows do 1t I
don't know. 1t may be that we are
too easy on the American side of
the Atlantic. We give off these
impressions too freely. We seem
to emit them all the time like radiun
rays. and clever people like Hugh
Walpole come and scrape them up
and sell them.
But however It is, Honored Sir. I
regret very deeply to say that I
don't get any at all over here.
have received in three weeks no i'm
preston whatever. I don't seem to
be able to.
have put myself into an atti-
tude as alert as possible: keep my
mind a perfect blank-a thing that
comes. easy to me-but II doesn't
work. hope that It is not stupid
ity on my part. but I really do not
notice anything particular or I'M
usual over here.
The people seem so like ourselves;
they eat food. they wear clothes,
they talk English-not SO good a.
ours, but still English.
There are. of course, . lot Of little
things that one sees, but you can
hardly call them Impressions. I OBJ
serve. for example. that they keep
the Ten Commandments. but not the
Eighteenth Amendment.
notice everywhere people drink
ing beer. but would you call that an
impression? 1t seems to me a fact.
The Washington times., 1921-11-20

to be absorbing us. They gave me 7
what proposed to call THE Mind
Of America" This last phrase I
had thought out by myself. and
felt sure that you would buy 1t.
regret to say that this idea
also has failed. Let me explain:
In New York found. looking up
the headings In the papers, that the
principal topics. the bigger things
In our American minds, seemed to
Be such things as:
/. DO chorus girls make good
wives? fttR
:. IL red hair . sign Of tempera-
mont.
3. Can . woman be in love with
two menS
4. Is fat q sign Of genius?
AZ soon as I got to London I
made similar list Of all the big
things that the people are thinking
OF. and 1t ran:
I. do chorus girls marry well!
3. What Is red hair sign Of!
s. Can two men be in love with .
womanf
4. Ii genius q sign Of faty
Looking over these lists I think
1t is better to present them without
comment. / feel sure that some
where in them one should detect
the heart-throbs, the pulsations Of
two great peoples. But don't get 1t.
REPARTEE!
You also advised me to mingle.
At your expense, In the brilliant
intellectual life Of England. There"
you said, lis a coterie Of men. prob.
ably the most brilliant group east
Of the Mississippi" q think you
said tho MississippD. ''You will
find Them" you said to me, bril-
liant. witty. filled with repartee."
You suggested that I should send
you back. as far as words .,ould
express it. some of this briliiance.
am glad to be able to do this,
although fear that the results are
not all that you anticipate. Stll.
have held conversations with these
people and / can give you the re-
suit.
Sir James Barrie said:
This ID really very exceptional
weather for the time Of year."
Cyril Maude said:
"And 90 . Martini cocktail =
merely gin and vcrmouth."
Ian Hay said:
you'll find tho underground ever
20 handy once you understand It,"
I have a lot more of these re-
like. But doubt whether you want
them-indeed. to tell the truth. these
people seem to say just the same
things that we do all the time.
In fact-though / know you won't
like my saying it, think that this
whole business Of transatlantic con.
trasts has been worked to death.
These people are just the same kind
Of decent people that we are. and
not really different at all.
hear them talking over here
about an idea they call Anglo-Am-
erican union. Have you heard it
mentioned in New York? II it
comes up do push 1t along.
Believe me there's lot In 1t.
STEPHEN LEACOCK.
p. S.-Don't forget that It was
to be seventy-five cents for each
impression. @
Copyright. 1919
The Washington times., 1921-11-20


q Wood Set. That's all right II
you can do 1t quick. Who did
you say you was doing it for
the Fays?"
81 mentioned the Fays and
Elfns," replied the Author.
'Pve heard Of the Fays," said
the Artist. They're out on the
Orpheum Circuit now. But the
Elfins-no. What kind Of .
Turn do they do?"
"Ah, the Elfinsr' said the
Author. "They dance in the
Moonlight and skip from Tree to
Tree"
WHO HE IS.
"Acrobatic Stuff with Light
Effects, Ell? Well, you're on a
couple of Mackerels. l never see
any Benders that could get away
with Talking Act. You want
to give your Piece to somebody
that can Boost you. You write
a good gingery Skit for me and
Miss Frontage and we'll put your
Name on a Three-Sheet in Let
ters big enough to scare a
Horse"
81 gather from the somewhat
technical Character Of your Con-
versation, my dear sir, that you
are associated with the Drama"
said the Author.
"Is it q Kid?" asked the Artist.
"Wuzn't you ever in Front? Don't
you look at the Pictures in the
Windows? I'm Rank, of Rank and
Frontage. Miss Frontage is the
other half of this Season, and if
you seen her a Block off you'd say,
is it or amt it Mary Pickford?'
We've just closed with McGoohan's
Boisterous Burlesquers. We was
SO strong that we killed the rest
Of the Bill, SO we got the Blue
Envelope. Now they're using all
our Business, includin' the Gag
about the Dill Pickle"
ITO what am l indebted for the
Honor of this VISIT" asked the
Author.
II heard that you was Lit'ry
Mug, and I'm around here to see
you about a Sketch for me and
Miss Frontage. The one I've got
now is all right, but I've got to
eat 8 hard-boiled Eggs, and with
shows a Day that's askin' too
much of any Artist. This Sketch
was wrote for US by the Man that
handles the Transfer Baggage at
Bucyrus. He fixed it up while we
was waitin' for a Train. I've been
using it since 1901, and it goes
just as strong as ever, but / like
to see new Stuff once in a while.
So ! want you to fake up some
thing thatll kill 'em right in their
Seats. Here's the Scenario: My
Wife's a Society Girl and Pm sup
posed to be a Dead Swell that's
come to take her to Masquerade.
With that to work on, all you need
to do is to fill in the Talk"
II have recently prepared a One
Act Play. but l am not sure that
1t will meet your Requirements"
said the Author. 1T is called
The Language of Flowers There
are three Characters in the Play
"a young Shepherd named Ethel
bert. the Lady Gwendoiin and a
Waiting Maid"
I'VE couldn't carry the People"
said the Artist. You'd better use
a Dummy instead Of the Hired
Girl. / do an awful funny Wrassle
with Dummy. Go ahead and slip
me the Plot"
1T is an idyllic Thing" said the
Author. "Ethelbert is in Love with
Gwendolin, but he is not certain
that his love is reciprocated. So
he sends her the Flowers. The
waiting maid brings them into the
Bower where Lady Gwendolin is
seated and with them Scroll Of
Verses from Ethelbert. The Lady
Gwendolin unrolls the Scroll and
reads:
Traced in the Veins of the Petals
Are the Lines fam iOould speak
And breathing lo1O IN the per-
fu,ned Leaves
Is the