Arizona republican., 1921-10-18
Civilized Warfare

A satisfactory manner and which we now find must. as a last resort. be settled by having recourse of civilized war" Now your Majesty" he con- tinues, how many of your soldiers will you allow me to poison gas, if I will give up all claim to the island of Yap?"
 A shrewd look comes Into the Mikado's eyes as he glances at the strip of paper which he holds in his hand under the table, containing an an epitome of the conference report, which shows quite plainly that he would lose at least three hundred thousand men should he go to war with Uncle sam in the old way.
 'I will give thirty thousand men" he announces, and there is an eager ness in his voice which he vainly tries to conceal for it is quite evil dent that he would consider 1t a great bargain if he could get the is- land at that price.
 T will go you five thousand bet ter" says Uncle Sam, as he brings his fist down on the table with thump that makes the cups and the spoons jingle.
 q make it forty thousand" says the Mikado.
 Uncle Sam turns slightly to blow his nose and then gives his whiskers two or three vigorous strokes. 'I make it forty thousand prime soldiers, but I'll be gol darned if l give another man for that chunk O mud over on the other side of the big pond" he pronounces emphatical- ly, and with another spectacular flourish of the hand that carries to his hearers a conviction of finality.
 q make it fifty thousand" says the Mikado, with an air of increased con- fidence and a grin that reveals his front teeth. for he now feels that
 victory is almost within his grasp. There follows a moment of intense | silence, in which it would seem that
 the destiny of nations is hanging in the balance. Then the tension is bro l ken
 By golly. you winl Yap's yours. 90 | says Uncle Sam. You're a real sport | your Majesty" he continues. as he | extends his hand in congratulation. The Mikado tremendously with 1 draws. followed by his retinue. and | with a degree of pomp befitting the ! occasion, begins his journey across | the continent on his way home. Ev- | anywhere he is acclaimed the world s , greatest hero. From Yokohama to | Tokyo. his Journey is a triumphal | procession in which he is deluged | with an almost continuous rain of | flowers. Is he not a great conqueror | Has he not won for his people the | Island of Tap?
 But the war is not yet over, for the Mikado must deliver to Uncle Sam ! fifty thousand soldiers to be gased. | All the most objectionaI features Of ! ordinary warfare are to be eliminat- | ed as far as possible. for this is a ! civilized war In due time the Jap | soldiers are delivered to Uncle Sam l and are taken out into a desert place 1 where the final and eliminating l scenes of the war are to be enacted Each captive soldier is swathed
 about like an Egyptian mummy and | placed in an elaborately decorated l coffin resting on the edge of an open 1 grave. Each coffin remains uncov- 1 cred. and is decked about from head l to foot with choicest flowers of rare 1 fra grance and the most delicate hue Priests and preachers of every per ! suaslon are then allowed to go among the doomed soldiers and offer con dOIence ana prayers for their souls l for civilized warfare must be civ ilized throughout.
 ! ] the holy men Of God are taken up in ! airships and carried to places of safe ty. after which Uncle sam sends out ! a flotilla of wa planes and the war ! zone is bombarded with thousands oi ! poison gas bombs ef the latest and l most improN ed type.
 Two or three days later when the ! poison gas has had time to dissipate the Corpses in the war zone are rev l erently lowered into graves, and a 1 great monument is erected in then l midst to commemorate the fact that 1 they had died for Yap
 The war is now over and the world
 heaves a sigh of relief There are no
 wounded or maimed soldiers to harry l the world with their pain and sui ferinEs. There are no debts Co b,
 bequeathet To posterIty. There ar,
 no bitter hatrcds engendcrci be-
 tween the rival nations Co serve a.
 cause for future strife, whilst armies
 are disbaudCd and uIyics juuked.
 Fifty thousand soldiers drawn iron
 the common citizenry have lost then . lives, but in the old way hundreds Ci