The Rock Island Argus and daily union. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1920-1923, 1921-12-02
ORR UntuhHtnnp
HERE LIES MAS-s ANCIENT ENEMY
DILL CARE !
vHo psstsTEKs rHE cUss.


TT seems necessary that we should apollo
gfze for our reference TO Mrs. Lovely Tolore
PulgIace Hartley Inch Hanley OF Moline. me
lady herself telephoned YESTERDAY morning 10
inform MS that Hartley is no part OF her name
and that she lives in Rock Island instead OF
Moline
This information was relayed to us by
n n K. who was fortunate enough to answer
her call. We questioned him closely.
"was she-er-thaS is. did she-do you
think she was offender" we queried in some
trepidation.
"oh. not at ALL" he treasured us: "She
left her number and wants you to call"
We'll we haven't called yet You see
(or Won will in a moment) we got another call
a little later from the lady's mother and she
did not seem-well, she didn't appear TO be
enthusiastic about the gratuitous publicity we
bad piven her daughter. So well, it ought
TO be obvious why we have taken up so much
of our valuable space in apologizing to
somebody.
MR. HAYES now says she 1.-THE postmis-
tressl will continue after marriage Just as II
that important event in her life had never
editorial.
Gosh! Mr.. Hays knows everything, doesn't
he.
IN WHICH CACTUS GETS A SKATE ON.
My Dear Mac, Esquire: Didja ever TRY to
roIIer-skate? mean, when you didn't know
how. to begin with? sweet cookie! Y'oughta
seen the Sweet Cokkie l carved out on the
roller skat IL sink, l mean rink, tother
night iowa to the Why Doublya-(up)
STAY. Inc cinnamon roll, ner the hooch bun,
ner the rolIin'-pin, ner none OF them up-to-date
rolls. like rollin' yer own Phoenixes and such,
amt got nothin on me now, and L can talk the
def and dunn Language from head to loot now
without any trouble whatsoever. And talk
about the snimmy. That CANT begin to com
M ~ with haaIu and tOajQ If in q living para
phrase-or somethin like that-of the Statue
OF Liberty, with your left hind heel a clutchln
the link and grasplng at the same time that
cute little roller skate, and lnsIeaoa yer poWI-
ful, right arm a swingin aloft the torch OF I'D
erty or death, yer powrful right foot a fauntln
the torch of yer burning roller skate IN de-
iance at Mars, the god o war.
Well, anyways, to begin at the beglnhln
and to give va a sort'va idee of how to do 1t,
in case you don't know how already, va put on
yer rollers and in so doin' just gently slide EN-
back n forth, and all them cute little rumbles
makes va just think, well when l git TO goin'
wont ii be grand and glorious to just go a
sailin' round and round on air, just like va
was an angel and yer wings was a carryin va
without any effort on yer part whatsoever.
Well, va kinda git to yer feet sorta easy like
cause the least little slip is lible to make nine
stitches insteada just one. N the best thing
is to breathe easy and regular cause If va git
started to takin' a breath every time va take
an extry long step va cant keep goin along
near so smooth. Well, anyways l got to goin
fine and was a goin' along with the rest of the
angels and we was haVin such a nice time and
none of our wings got in each others way nor
nothin and it was just like when va pull taffy
and it stretches out so smooth va know, when
all of a sudden my rollers begin actin funny
and | don't know what made EN- out anyways
they Just ducked right out from nunder me
all to onct and acourse that left me without
anything Whatsoever but the link to land on
and acourse l landed, but gosh it was quick.
| didn't have time to consider ner nothin and
it was just like bein swished into heay'n with
out any warnin, cause there was all the stars
and three er four moons a around,
and there was half a dozen ralnbowS hang1n'
out on the line to dry, and they had fireworks
to welcome me n'everything, and gee, the pearly
gates was Just a blazin with red and green
Nominations, and then l seen EN- swing open
to welcome me and l heard the butler say Gee
them gates need oilin, they screak something
fierce, James fetch me the castor oil, SO then
James fetched the oil and they started givin
it to me, and Gosh / wasn't in heaven ner
nothin, | was just a laying there on the zinc
takin up about ten cubic feet of space. Purity
soon l realized | was a hoggin too much room
even for a fat female in a gymsneezium, so l
hurriedly puts myself in a vertical position and
starts all over again, but l guess the charm
was spoilt, fer 1 couldn't seem to get back that
rhythm and swaying zephyr effect no more and
it was all just like chop-sticks eatin sOurkrout
from then on, but still l had the determination
to keep goin and before l got thru made a
coupla miles of hand-carved fggers of cubic
and genteel art, and none of the famous char
I dtltIS VI ilLSLDiE - hdl1OC DlhIhN hdAo VI oAOlI
hand had nothin on my characterizations rem
dered in living punctuation marks, and when L
pictured back my last hours contrajuxtaposi-
tionary dramatics it looked like the rhyming
lines of a Chinese pome entitled "Scotland's
Burning, Ma Cherie, Waltz me around again
Willie"
l had a awful good time that night but l
amt never had one since, cause my pore mortal
flesh shore does complain and if you think you
ache and groan, a little willowy reed like you,
what about one whats three times as big
around and TO spare. Amt there just that
much more of it to ache? Honest, it's awful.
1t feels like there oughta be rubber elastic
from yer toes to her hips and steada that its
leather and amt got no give in it An then
l think all them fat corpuscles or cells or what
ever they are, are all tied up in little cupid
bow knots and wont come undOne, and when
| go UP or downstairs my knees feel like there's
one of them mechanical springs what winds up
in jointed dolls to make EN- walk, and the
springs broke. Still, what care /, just SOS /
get thin and beautiful. That's my motto, amen.
CACTUS.
P. S.-Dear Mac: Re the gentleman who
borrowed my name in vain. His solution as
to the derivation of "Touchstone" is wrong.
but methought l heard the flag of truce flap
ping in the wintry wind whites l read his
dissertation. If such be the case l shall not
enlighten him as to the real meaning of the
word, for. If he thinks that was the most I'M
kindest cut of all then if | told him the real
meaning he surely would say it was the most
unkindest whack of all. CACTUS.
BOILER SKATES and US are the greatest