The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1921-04-28


"You can take your cigars home and
feed them to your COW. If you would
give that beast enough to eat, she
wouldn't be forever breaking into my
back yard and eating the washing off
the clothesline. The other day, l
spent several hours cleaning up a lot
of my old neckties. l went over them
with gasoline and made them as good
as new, and then hung them on the
line to dry out. Your COW came over
and ate every blamed one of them,
for the ties were gone when l went
out for them, and l could see her
tracks along under the clothesline. If
you want to make her feel comfort
able, you ought to give her'a handful
of bone collar buttons and a few
stickpins. Those neckties must feel
lonesome down in her old sheet iron
stomach.
II don't want any presents from my
neghbOrs when / am celebrating
birthday or any other occasion. Last
Christmas Bigeow came over and
said he had just received some fine
cigars from a friend Of his who had
a Stoke ranch down in Cuba Only
kings and emperors ever had such
smokes, he said, for the tobacco Of
which they were made was never put
on the market, but supplied to a few
private customers among the crowned
heads. / took the cigars and thanked
Bigelow in all the languages at my
command, and made up my mind that
he was a pretty good fellow, after
all.
'In the afternoon, l went down to
the postOfiice, smoking one of those
royal cigars. 1t certainly was rich.
A few friends were standing with me
in the lobby, and l began telling them
of having received a present of some
cigars of the sort reserved for the
crowned heads. | felt pretty good
over it, and the other fellows were
envious, for the best they had were
the two-fers you get at the grocery
store. Just when | was all swelled
up, and enjoying myself like a hired
man at the fair, that cigar went off.
There was a spiral spring about a
yard long compressed into it, and
when the cigar burnt up a certain
distance, it was released, and flew
out with a whir. On this occasion it
hit Absalom jerks in the eye. He's
a hasty sort of man, and he just nat
urally landed one on my nose before
he had time to reflect that | wasn't
to blame.
81 don't think l ever felt as silly
as l did, standing there with three
feet of twisted wire dangling from my
mouth and my nose pushed out OF
alignment. Those fellows l had been
talking to seemed to think it was
mighty funny, and the way they
whooped around was disgusting. For
three weeks after that, every man l
met wanted to know if the crowned
heads had sent me any more cigars,
and | was arrested twice for disturb
ing the peace.
something OF that sort happens
every time you fellows begin to take
a fatherly interest in me. Fesseden
came over one day and said that the
great problem of the age was saving
fuel. Most of our money goes up the
chimney, he said. Fortunately, he
was on friendly terms with a great
eastern scientist who had invented
a powder that could save fuel, and
this scientist had sent him some, and
he wanted to throw a handful in the
fire, and the coal would burn twice
as long. l threw some into the kitchen
stove, and l haven't found all the
pieces yet. One of the oven doors
must have been blown 50 high it never
came down. SO | tell you, don't
want any present from you. I'll buy
whatever / need"