davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02

fusively. Gee, I'm glad to see
you're back. Drink enough to suit
your
Mr.. Brown groaned.
tine fellow who invented Europe
must have been drunk" Kissed Ger.
aid. TITS the rankest place on
earth"
"Why, what do you mean?" asked
Frothy anxiously. Didn't they
treat you right over there?"
Treat? They didn't treat at all.
I did the treating. But, confound
'em, they recognized me as an Amer
lean, and soaked me for all the wet
STUFF I bought. Not alone that,
Phibbs, Europe is no place for an
American"
"Why not?" asked the missus,
who was more than mildly inter
ested in the discussion.
"Because>there's too much water
between. The rolling ship knocks
all the ambition out Of a man.
Never no more do stray from
home, sweet home. Even a grape
Juice cocktail is more alluring than
all the booze in England"
well" began the missus when
Gerald Brown had left, do you still
want to go to Europe?"
I'm an American" said Phibbs
in a low tone, land l believe in see
ing America firsti"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02

Now II the Government would
only make it a cellar instead" shot
back rockingham happily, ut
wouli be worth while"
"How can you be so ungrateful
to tho Government that has made
you what you are to-day?" demand,
ed Mrs. Phibbs.
Hull" smiled back Phibbs. What
am l to-day-dry as a girl with
one-plece bathing suit on the
beach! ! tell you, it's unfair to put
the damper on us when we'd rather
stay damp. Even the actors and
humorists are running dry-on
jokes"
"Shucks," flung back Amanda
with toss Of her head. "only yes.
terday we saw show and you said
the comedian was all wet!"
81 didn't mean Just that, my dear.
I meant he was bum, and that's the
way 7 feel without a drink-bum."
BUNS outside!" laughed the
missus. who knew a joke when she
saw one, having, Of course, married
him.
why" continued Phibbs, It's
gotten so that a mans cellar isn't
safe from the prohibition agents
any more. Can you imagine any one
Shopping so low as to invade
mans sacred cellarf"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02
buckingham Phibbs on Prohibition

in both without denting his bank
roll"
Don't make me laugh about
bankrolls. Yours is so fat 1t looks
like a blowout"
us that so?" came from the in!
furiated Phibbs. eff my bankroll
is fiat you punctured 1t. Your spe-
cialty is spending"
"Now you've hit the nail on the
head" came gleefully from the
missus. "All do Is spend-my
evenings at home with you. Look
at Mrs. Black, she goes to a show
with her husband three nights q
week"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02
<TSEE where several wealthy
Americans are leaving the

are lcdNluB IuO
country on account of pro-
hibition." said rockingham Phibbs
dryly, land I don't blame 'em. II I
had the money I'd go I'd Europe for
a drink myself"
INV, N.Y." chortled Mrs. Amanda
Phibbs in her best chortling style.
"Is your thirst that far OFF,"
1T isn't question of distance,
my DEAR" Frothy retorted. "It's
simply a question of where to get
1t. And, besides, the most sacred
Of mans institutions is involved in
prohibtion-that Of personal lib
erty."
II agree with you there" chimed
in Amanda like a bell. II believe a
man should have as much freedom
as possible"
"Ah," smiled Phibbs, reminis-
Gently. "but he doesn't get it. He's
free enough, alright, until some
dame grabs him unconscious to the
minister, and then he's a prisoner
for Life. Now along comes the Gov
ernment and horns right in, taking
a mars breath completely away"
That's right. now blow your head
of against the Government" re-
buksd the missus. First thing you
know you'll land In q CELL"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02

Teachers Theory Shattered.
UTHILDREN." said the teacher
~ to his pupils; you should be
able to do anything equally well
with either hand. With a little
practice you win find 1t Just as easy
DIDO anything with one hand as it
Is. with the other" 49,,
lis it," inquired the urchin at
the foot OF the class. Lets see
you put your left hand in the right.
hand pocket OF your trousers"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02

After bein' out with a spry young
lady Dandy Miller returned to find
that bis furnished room over the
butcher shop had been visited by a
seco1d-story man. with the result
that Dandy's bankroll is sufferin'
from n compound fracture of the
vertebrae. The young man is now
quite interested in the question of
which came nrst-the chicken or
the yegg.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02
Smart.

A. SCHoOLMASTER called at the
~ home Of pupil whose absence
had extended over a week and in.
quired of the lads mother the rea.
SON.
Why" she said, hes past his
fourteenth year and me and his
father think he's had schooling
enough"
Schooling enough? Why, I did
not finish my education until was
twenty.three."
BE that so7" said the mother.
But that lad Of ours has got
brains"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02
Not Appreciated.

sITvE just been telling my daugh-
j ter It is wrong of her to play
the piano on Sunday. Don't you
agree with mel"
"But why Sunday, especially?"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02
Z, A Vigilant Official.

GLOW do you suppose President
IL Bilker came to catch the
cashier" asked Larriper, after the
attempted bank robbery.
,a"Why. I don't know" replied
Juniper; ''but the general impress
sion is that he was sneaking in
AFTER the stuff himself and found
She cashier had got in ahead of
tlim." ....
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02
And She Did.

yIyHEN the agent paid Mrs. S. the
w amount OF insurance her hus.
band had carried he asked her to
take out a policy on her own life.
81 believe I will,' she said, as
my husband had such good luck"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02

Our new principal at the, high
school is said to be thinkin' oftak-
in, out card in the wobd.workArs'
union. He gets the impression that
that is the craft he should affiliate
with after tryin' to get sn idea into
some Of the scholars heads.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02
From Here
and There
No Hedger.

HCAY. boss, can get OF this az
= ternoon about half-past two?"
Whose funeral is It to be this
time. James?"
"Wcu. to be honest, boss, the way
the morning papers have 1t doped
put 1t looks like it's going to be the
home teams again"
iey
oios Too Suspicious.
.ttSWHY are you SO angry with the
yar w doctor?" asked Mr.. White Of
q bis wife.
,.-n Because" she replied, when I
ntold him had a terribly tired feel
ling he told me to show my tongue"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02
The Cat-oh, Where Was She7

The Cat-Oh, Where Was She7
A, COOK who had burned up a
"A piece OF veal weighing four
pounds threw 1t away and reported
to her mistress that the cat had
eaten the meat. The lady placed
the cat upon the scales and found
It weighed exactly four pounds.
There. Bridget" she said, ARE
the four pounds Of meat. but where
is the cat?'
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02

One of our local authors went all
the way down to the big city with
a bright idea for one OF them comic
papers an then turned aroun' an
brought It all the way back with
him. That's carryin' a joke too far.
say we.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02

Mos. young married men don't
get along well on the sea Of matri-
mony. an 1t seems like permanent
wave Of trouble to 'em because they
forget the motto that's on all mar.
rage licenses. &c pluribus humor-
EN-"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02

They Just unveiled a tablet on
the town square in Elm City. That
town would have to take tablet
three times a day for a hundred
years before It RECEIVERS from the
attack Of sleepin' sickness that
bothers Il. 9,
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02
Presence of Mind.

A CERTAIN financier at a dinner
rarty took in a lady whose
name he didn't catch.
During the first course he saw q
man who had bested him badly In
q business transaction the week
previously, and he muttered to the
lady ferociously:
do you see that man on the left
Of our host? Well, If there's one
man on earth I hate it's him."
Why" said the lady, hes my
husband"
ayes, I know" said the flnancier
gIibly. That's why I hate him"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02

Lemuel Briggs has had his wood
en- leg vaccinated. He says there
was so much Of that tick. disease
goin' round he didn't want to con-
tract cirwhosethis Of the wooden
leg.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02
Blaming Mother.

SSMY mother made me what !
A'A am" said the political speak.
Ter as he proudly threw out his
chest.
'a'"Well," said a small man at the
rear of the hall, "she must have put
IN some Of her time at other
things"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02
Rural Editors
Paragraphs

THE yeips OF some OF these
here Socialist howlers. says
Deacon Mills. reminds one of
that old adage. Look not ON the
whine when It is Red"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02

Speakin' Of short skirts. Todd
Jones says he saw some that came
down to the ground the other day.
They were hung on a line to air
an the line broke.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02

Billy Edwards an his brother
Dusty are both workin' in New
York City. Bill is drivin' a van for
a secondhand furniture store an
Dusty is on the vaudeville. stage.
They're both pullin' old stuff.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02

Money is tight an a whole lot
Of people are jealous because they
can't git the same way.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02

BY, baby bunting.
Papa's gone a-huntin'
For some place under the coal bin
To hido his little bottle In.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02

A petition in bankruptcy Of the
r. ". n. G., Corset Company has
been held up in the county court.
house. Just stay in the proceed
ms, say we.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02

Summin' up our business rela-
lions with Mexico, Judge Meeker
says the balance OF TRADE seems to
be In her favor. RightoI say we.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02
Jealous.

tNnO you care for Browning?"
- asked the poetical man with
the long hair of the conspicuously
dressed lady at his right.
sostr Not SO loud, please" whispered
the woman. my husband has an
lawfully jealous disposition"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02
He Still Had It.

81 OOK here, you swindler!"
- roared the owner Of the sub
urban property to the real estate
man. When you sold me this
home didn't you say that in three
months I wouldn't part with It for
ten thousand dollars?"
Certainly" said the real estate
dealer, calmly, land you haven't,
have your"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02

Disrossess notice has been served
on Dave Miller to move out of his
apartment over the Main street
drug store. He. snored SO hard
that the vibration busted all the
bottles Of medicine on the shelves.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02

What It Was.
HUSHER - Everybody is crazy
about this house.
Rusher-What is It "a swell
hotel?
Gusher-No; it's a private asylum.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02

Hips Snodgrass says his idea OF
q monumental failure is a tongue
tied man tryin' to play golf. All he
can do Is Just putter aroun'.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02
A Few Good Ones

Bed Divided Against Itself.
ToM-Mother, Jacks got half the
Mother-well, you take the other
half.
Tom can't; he's got his half in
the middle.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02
Truth at Last.

TEACHER-Johnny. tell me who
a.: Patrick Henry was, and what
ibid he do?
% Johnny-PatricK Henry was a
~young man and he lived in vir-
ginia. He had blue eyes and light
hair. He was married, and he said,
Give me liberty or give me
DEATH" -.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02

Man workin' on an eighty.foot
scaffold on Main street fell of an
was saved from death by a ball Of
cotton yarn in his pocket. Some
yarn, say we.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02

Accordin' to Hiram Green. his
son DanI has gone to college for
his semaphore year. But accordin'
to tho legal preparations Of Dams
chords girl wife. we gather that she
thinks it is her sue-for-more year.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1921-10-02

Dan Tippler says he'd just like
to know who went an gummed up
his holler cane by havin' It filed
up with ice-cream sody.
Pueblo chieftain., 1921-02-05
EARTHQUAKE SHOCKS

Mobile Ala Feb Am earthquake
Spring college
clock Friday Father G. Ruhlmann,
Friday he
fairly
Pueblo chieftain., 1921-02-05

Berlin, Feb. t--CBy tho Associated
Press. )-"Gcrmany docs not of COURSE
withdraw from further negotiations,
but sho must decline to accept the
Paris proposals as constituting basis
or even a starting point for renewed
deliberations DR.. Ernst Scholz, minis
ter of economies, informed tho Associ-
atcd Press Thursday.
Germany. he added. would not sign
a pact that could not be fulfilled. and
declared that the Versailles treaty pre-
scribed a. different procedure for ar
irving at the amount of indemnity Ger
many was to pay than that adopted by
the supreme council.
DIR. Scholz, who represents the Ger
man peoples party in the coalition
government. designated tho export tax
provided for in the proposals as tanta-
mount to killing the goose that Is to
lay the golden eggs" because 1t would
not only stific Germany's export indus
try, but would primarily deprive her
Pueblo chieftain., 1921-02-05
GERMANY MUST DECLINE PARIS
PROPOSALS, SAYS DR.. SCH0lz

from earning credits and moneys from
exports to neutral countries and the
United States, where she in turn is
Obliged to pay for tho raw products and
foodstufs Indispensable to the nations
economic and vital existence.
It was his opinion that tho imposi-
ton of an export tax would primarily
exclude Germany from doing business
with the United States and other coun-
tries whose money is now at Il pre-
MUM.
"To say that wo wero f'abborEastcd
by the Paris proposals is putting the
case mildly" said DR.. Scholz, speaking
for the government.
The manner in which the confer
once arrived at its findings IL not only
wholly at variance with tho treaty
stipulations. but i'm view OF the discus
sions in Brussels and Paris, and with
the French ambassador at Berlin, VIC
wero quite justified in anticipating
different method of disposing OF the
| complex range Of repara ton issues
Tho German government, he said.
could not identify Itself with further
Pueblo chieftain., 1921-02-05

They had given UP all hope OF my
ever being well again but thanks to
Tanlac l am feeling as well now as
/ ever felt in my life and l only wish
! had time to 20 TO every home and
toll every sick person about this grand
medicine.
"A year ago last January l had a
rcycrc attack OF Influenza which lett
mc in a terribly weakened condition
and my appetite was so poor that
ate little moro than enough TO keep
body and soul together.
Ny heart palpitated so dreadfully
al times that IT seemed like it had
stopped altogether and / would think
my timc had come. was so weak
that ! couldn't go up tho steps with
out holding to the railing. II was i'm
possible for me TO do any houScworh- X
] was 20 nervous that l couldn't drink
my tea or coffee without sptlhng it.
NV sleep was restless and broken
and T would have smotherlnG spells
and would just have TO get up and go
10 the window so I could breathe.
r finally started taking Tanlsc on
thr advice of friend and before I
had finished taking tho second bottle
my -nci-hbors could tell l was I'M
proving right along. Well, it has only
taken five bottles 10 restore my health
completely.
NY appetite IS just splendid now.
ny nerves arc strong and steady. my
housework is real pleasure, and 1
can sleep like a child at night In
fact, I never felt better in my life
than I do now
The above remarkable statement was
made by Mrs. Sylvia Foster, OF eoS
s Division St, Buffalo, y. 7, n we'll
known and highly respected resident
OF that city.
ranlac is sold in Pueblo exclusively
by The Hausman Drug Co, and RciSs
Bros.-Ady.
Pueblo chieftain., 1921-02-05
Large Crowds Attend Demonstration

attended demonstration Of the Great Majestic Range and listened
aente the practical lecture gvn Professor Becker the
Of cooking These lectures worth the time and attention Of every
who wishes greater cooking efficiency and wider
knowledge food values and the preparation paaabe
and dainty dishes.
Visitors also entertained during the afternoon by beautiful
selections played the PATHE PHONOGRAPH.
Pueblo chieftain., 1921-02-05

discussion OF the reparation demands
as now formulated. but would ask for
a specific bill OF indcmnities which
would name the amount to be paid. for
instance, for tho devastated regions, in
place of tho present proposals which
werely name a lump sum, indefinite
and not itemized.
Tho treaty provides that we arc TO
be apprised OF roparations obligations
before May 1 of this year" he contin-
ued. and that We arc to have ample
opportunity to present our case or 9th
crwiso he beard before final sentence is
pas=sd
Pueblo chieftain., 1921-02-05
MEN LEARN COOKING

State College, Pa, Feb. i.-Twcnty
male students, CARRIED in aprons of the
butcher type. supplied by tho girl do
nestle art students. started work to-
day in the Pennsylvania State college
kitchen laboratories, heretofore occu-
pied exclusively by women. They arc
enrolled in the special cookery class
Tor men, a new course.
Pueblo chieftain., 1921-02-05
MILLION DOLLAR FIRE

4-Th
this
The including personal belongings of unoay
100000 None of the 260
hotel former President
Staus and many other
notabl
Pueblo chieftain., 1921-02-05
PASSENGERS SHOVEL SNOW

Ogden. Utah, Feb. i.-PasscngerH on
Union Pacific train No. - took their
turns at ahovcls this morning when
the train was blocked for nearly two
hours by SNOW slide at Devils Slide
in Weber canon. Tho second section
Of the same train also was delayed
By slide at the same point.
Pueblo chieftain., 1921-02-05
FRS. SYLVIA FOSTER,

Av0 Buffalo, n. Y, who says she
wishes she could go into every
homo and tell how Tanlac COM
she had lost all hope Of ever being
well again.
Pueblo chieftain., 1921-02-05
Weather Conditions In
Other Cities In the Wes,

weather reports of several cities In
Colorado and adjoining states during
the 2. hours ending 6 >. m, yesterday
morning, complied from statistics fur.
nished By the weather bureau off1cA
Pueblo chieftain., 1921-02-05

The funeral of Charles W. Bowman'
who died at St. Mary's hospital
Wednesday morning, was held yester-
day afternoon. services being conduct
cd at the chapel of T. G. Mccarthy on
Main street r. G. Bowman, only son of
the deceased, had arrived from Chi
caGo and was present with his sister,
Isabel, also one brother, two nephews
and their families and many friends.
All the seats on one side of tho chapel
were occupied by knights Tenplar in
uniform and Masons Of Lodge No. u
in regaiia. The address was delivered
by Rev. DR.. Fred II. zimmerman.
Hymns were sung by Mrs. W. j. kidd.
Burial was made in the Masonic por-
ton OF the North Side cemetery, with
the impressive service OF the frater-
nity
Pueblo chieftain., 1921-02-05

Something decidedly new in the
negligee line is shown here. 1t is
built on the lines of cloak and is
made of crepe meteor satin trimmed
with novelty ribbon called "cloud O.
glory" because Of its shading. Tho
ribbon forms the edging of the hem
and front, quaint little sleeves and
q soft eowl-like collar.
Pueblo chieftain., 1921-02-05
TEXAS BLUE SKY LAW

Austin. Texas, Feb. "A new blue
sky bill patterned after the California
law was passed in the Texas senate to-
day. The bill creates a securities COM
mission.
Emmons County record. [volume] (Williamsport, D.T. [i.e. N.D.]) 1884-current, 1921-09-22
State SUMMARY
ofLate Euents in
North Dakota
Veteran. Cleanup Squad in state.

A party representing the United
States Veterans bureau will tour this
state for the purpose of closing up all
claims for insurance and compensa.
ton, vocational training cases, and so
on. The squad comprises medical
examiner and rating officer, com.
pensatiOn and insurance claims exam
liner, a vocational training agent, an
American Legion representative, and
representatives of the American Red
Cross.
The itinerary of the squad in this
state follows: Mott, Sept. 1927,
counties Sioux, Grant, Hettinger. Bow.
man, Sept. 28-29, counties, Adams,
Bowman and Slope. Dickinson, Sept.
3O-Oct. l, counties, Stark Billings, Gold
en- Valley Bismarck, Oct. 3-4, coun.
ties, Dunn, Mclean, Mercer, Oliver
Morton. Burleigh, Emmons, Logan,
Mcintosh. Jamestown. Oct. Sc, cos.
kidder, Stutsman LaMoure, Dickev
Darlington, Oct. 70, counties, Sheri.
dan Wells, Eddy, Foster. Williston
Oct 1G11, counties, Williams, McKen.
zie. Minot, Oct. 1914, counties, Divide
Burke, Renville, Mountrail, Ward, Nc
Henry. Rugby, Oct. Is, counties, Bot.
tineau, Pierce. Devils Lake, Oct. II.
Is, counties, Towner, Ramsey, Benson
Nelson. Grand Forks, Oct. 1920 coun
etis, Cavalier, Pembina, Walsh, Crane
Forks. Fargo. Oct. 21-22, counties
Griggs, Steele, Trail, Barnes. Cass
Wahpeton, Oct. "a, counties, Ransom
Richland. Sargent.
Emmons County record. [volume] (Williamsport, D.T. [i.e. N.D.]) 1884-current, 1921-09-22

Three North Dakota boys and girls
club teams, winners Of honors at the
Fargo and Grand Forks fairs this sum.
mer, have gone to Sioux City, Iowa, to
compete in the contests at the Inter.
state fair. The teams were accon;pan-
led on their trip by H. E. Killing, state
leader of boys and girls cIui, work.
and Miss Irene Dunno, assistant iii
that department.
The championship livestock team for
North Dakota is comprised of James
Mckinnon of Cass county, Gunder
Midgarden of Walsh county. and
George Allison of Grand Forks county,
The home economics team is com.
prised of Edith Northbridge, Clara
Nearing, and Florence Nixon, all of
Barnes county. Sargent county's wool
team, which is comprised of Don Cor
don and Herman Kellestad, and which
won distinction at the Grand Forks fair
will also attend the Sioux City event,
Two members of the stock Judging
team will represent the state at the
National Dairy show at st. Paul in
October.
Prof. ]. H. Shepperd of the agricul.
tural college will act as Judge in the
livestock department ut the Sioux City
fair.