The Morning Tulsa daily world. [volume] (Tulsa, Okla.) 1919-1927, 1920-12-05
THIRD INSTALLMENT
CLARA SMITHS DIARY

CONTINUED FROM PAGE ONE
strong and they're ashamed when
their defense Is weak.
II Is almost too nnlIch OF the Ice.
turcr TO admit that even these men
who must give vent to passions
SHOULD NEVER SUIiLY THE
WRONG THING. 1T MwST ,
THOUGHT. 4
SEPT. 5--Another day which
means nothing to me. ! cannot con-
troll my depression, l cannot regulate
my actions at all. / am a living
atom OF misery and for what? For
nothing-and know It. One may
see star and long to draw near It,
though one knows 1t is always be-
yond reach, unattainable. You may
stumble forward TO your ruin led
by this light.
There is no logical way to reason
ing upon anything which is based
originally upon Irresistible impulse.
! made no effort to belittle my risk:
! assumed it, The worst resulted.
So perhaps 1 am to blame. did
not follow the course which lnteln-
gence directed and now ] suffer for
1t. | have intelligence, but for love.
ldll'u W tIllDlpy IT.
against all the advice which one gets
from reading Of the plights of others
that would so on and try to win
happiness by a receipt which has al
ways spelled failure. My case. ]
find, IL no exception.
/ sit writing this, the falling leaves
rustic ceaslessly. Their restless
movement Is in keeping with the
mood 1 have: Impatience mingled
with other ficrcer emotions. why
square my shoulders? The faint
heart again succumbs to the strong
heart.
Caught Santa Fe train at Fort
WORTH for Ardmore. Took bad cold.
Arrived in Ard oralater:
PhOncd colonel to- eat lunch
with mc, but as usual Inc was too
busy. Always finds excuses. Al
ways nc puts me off.
Has given me little attention
and when with me Is cold ana In
different. He doesn't seem 10 bc
In his right mind.
He appears TO be In n sort Of
NEVER r' saw w him quite ike this.
He seems 20 have lost his balance.
Even In all things.
NOV. l3.-Children came In on
train to ser me. Did little shop
ping for them. They are 40 sweet
1t grieves me to think OF leaving
them to go to California. Baby Jack
"a nv wonderful ''DreAn Baby"
Oh, that I might haze him as I
long to, for my very Own-but
fate is unkind to me. II, when
baby Jack Is big enough TO realize
the truth-thc turmoil and strife
of my life has ended. and l can
help TO make OF him fine man
then I will not have lived in
vain. 1 will make him that most
wonderful thing-a man with
kindness In his heart.
To bed early. lonely, sick and un-
happy.
November 14-Got up with fun In
,ention OF going to church but felt
100 bad and nervous. Had brisk
walk TO get fresh air.
The colonel neglected me dread
iully' He chased around all over
town to amuse himself but seemed
70 forget l was alone and lonely.
ASIDE from really sick. l am miser-
ably unhappy.
Spent most of my time walking the
floor, hoping against hope that he
VIII soon come to give me little
or his time-and PERHAPS little
comfort and cheer. Late in the eve-
hing he comes to announce that he
is going to big duck dinner where
ne gets awfully drunk. He is all that
my Jack will not be.
November 5--IIas been brisk
winter day, clear but cold. Got
awake real early. Had time V
think; c0uld not stop. Heart Just
hurt. I am walked on wonder at my
patience! All my disgust, fear and
hate is kept within myself | can
not speak. Just go on and on.
Where? How helpless. How sick
ened am. Through the whole night
| was wakeful. Colonel Ill. How
well / know the truth OF that say
lng:-"You can't get away with It,
You can't"
(There will be another installment
OF Clare Smith Hamon's diary In