The Birmingham age-herald., 1920-05-09

day
 There are splendid young men all over the United States who have trained themselves to become western buyers just for the opportunity of get ting to New York at intervals and go- ! ing the rounds.
 Think of the consternation of all good New Workers therefore, when
 they were confronted by the awful | possibility of losing this reputation
 for wickedness. Why leave home for
 New York if it didn't make you any 1 worse? The great metropolis of
 America, in the popular imagination.
 was place where everybody gam | bled and drank and sang ribald songs
 and staggered up and down the great white way and lived apart from their l wives and never went to bed until 4
 a. m. and went about in taxcabs with | their feet hanging out of the windows 1 and passed every other day in a Turk | ish bath in order to get strength | enough to carry them through the re-
 maining rounds. To wipe this picture
 out, and replace it with a sugar-and-
 milk metropolis, where everybody 1 went to bed at 9 o'clock and had their l tea and toast in the afternoon and haunted gospel meetings every other I day would have been fatal.
 Something had to be done about it. The danger was recognized by every body at once. Mayor Hylan was speedily recalled from Palm Beach and Atlantic City The police were notified that they would have to be proved guilty. Some of the most pop ular and trustworthy preachers were enlisted to denounce everything in sight-or out of sight. Willing hands offered their services to put New York nf iniquity.,
 Up to the present time of writing everything looks pretty good. We got Vice out from behind the City Hall, ! and much to our delight and surprise we found that he wasn't so far gone as we thought. On the whole he made fairly respectable figure. The fact is he was much more frightened than l down and out There was a good deal 1 of carbon in his cylinders, and he had l loosened up a lot and had to be tight l ened throughout We filled him full | of gas, gave him a brand-new coat of 1 red paint, and he looks as good as new.
 Everybody has been most kind and [ helpful in this great work of reinstating | the Metropolis in the affections of all | lovers of wild times and sin in general. | The police have been wonderful, having |
 
 to the idea that they had all been | fixed" Wall street has done it's bit. Several people who never drank drop | before in their lives have been caught | in dark cellars absorbing hair tonic, and i having it advertised, thus offering them selves as martyrs sn a great cause. So- 1 ciety women who have secretely been | living happily with their husbands arc going about getting divorces just to do ] their share. Other ladies are openly | playing bridge and smoking cigarettes, i although they really hate the vile things, 1 just to show they have local pride. All | visitors to New York are requested to 1 do what they can to show that we are really as wicked as ever, in spite of the dreadful things published about us whf,l tend to convey the impression that there 1 is nothing more doing. When you get | back home tell 'em what you did, ana 1 the frightfully wild time you had. Don't l be afraid to tell em you have been car l ried out of drug store on Broadway in l broad day light, and that the vampires of Greenwich village had you on leash ! over a weekend, and that the cave men of upper Fifth avenue separated you 1 from your wad and that the kalsomined ] experts of the cabarets frescoed 1 you with hasheesh.
 For as a matter of fact, there is no | reason why New York shouldn't be ad 1 V ever. You can now put all kinds of i dope on your list. When father gets 1 back to the old home town he can gather | the children on his knee, and tell them l how, when he visited the east side, he | hit the pipe, and what lovely fairy | dreams he had. It's great life of sin | we New Workers are now compelled to | lead, if nobody weakens
 There may possibly be a few virtuous | people left in New York. We are not 1 bragging about them. We are keeping | them dark. I have seen them sneaKfns into quiet churches on Sunday and go- i ing home at 6 o'clock and 1 have been told that they lead decent lives. It may bo true. There are, l suppose, some New Workers who pass their time in God-fearing pastimes, and work for a living. All things are possible. But don't be afraid to meet them when you come to New York. We are going to keep them out of the way as much as possible. We can't afford to have lae Metropolis damaged. It's too expensive New Workers must live as well as com mon or garden folks in small towns, who are never quite so wicked as they feel they ought to be.
 For spring and summer consumption We can offer an attractive variety of wickedness-almost anything from a Wall street debauch to Greenwich Vil- ldSe cTedHl-edtlHS Clrcle. we dllH u please. Where before simple people led only double lives, we can arrange for same on a triple or quadruple basis. Sat urnala of all kinds furnished on reason- able notice from incoming parties
 Put on your overalls and come and give New York a trial We will guar antee wild time. Bring all your hiR pockets with you. In case we don't rob you enough or you feel that you haven't fallen far enough for the time and money spent. notify the authorities or any local clergyman, and everything will be refunded except your money and your clothes, and you can start all over again. New York is most anxious to prove to the rest of the country that there is absolutely nothing to these silly tales of unblemished purity. We cer- tainly must not drive everybody away just because they get the false idea that we're not abandoned.
 Come on and be abandoned with ue You may have to sleep on park bench, but you can stand more wickedness than ever if you get an occasional whiff of fresh air. Life in New York is not all one subway after another. It is still pos sible to see the sky-unless you have a stiff neck.
 If you are suffering from that bone dry feelingAjust as if you had lived in Kansas all your life-come and be cured And if there isn't room for you in the park or in any hotel, we'll put