The Washington times., 1920-08-14
SAYS GS"
Baer::
Doodle Bugs. Wings of
Flame; Baseball Bugs,
No Wings at All, but
Buggy Just the Same.

Baltimore scientist chirps that
baseball bugs are bugs. He's as
correct as a sixteen-ounce pound,
ayoirdupois. There's no more liquid
measure. When the Oriole cuckoo
buzzed that ball fans were fanatics
he was patronizing home Industries
All rooters are nuts IL they are In
Baltimore. They are bugs plus.
We piped a game between Jack
Dunn's team and Jersey City. The
umpire called a wild pitch a ball
and 2so fanatics-it was a double
header-ate their way through the
barbed wire screen and chased him
curly. He covered more ground
than the Monroe Doctrine.
Jones Falls stopped the great
Baltimore hre, but IL didn't stop
this ump. Electricity travels around
the world in sixteen seconds, but
umpkins could spot IL fifteen and
beat II by two lie went through
Ohio and Indiana. like a buzz saw
through a specked tomato. passed
himself on the Lincoln highway
and back In Oriole Park in time to
call the next strike a strike. 'rhe
riot cotilion was on again.
But International League jumps
have no rough edge on the bigger
league weather forecasters. They
don't know whether II is a bali or
q strike. So, to be absolutely fair
and impartial. they blindfoid them
selves and pull the draft number
out OF the hat. That's what makes
the fanatics grab the brass ring on
the Matteawan, circuit. The umps
roll off their knives.
Excluding Philadelphia fans from
the Brazilian census, there amt no
doubt that the Oriole professor is
corrector than a Western Union
clock. The neighbors thought that
Ben Franklin was cuckoo when he
tied his latch key on the tail of
kite and tried to open his front
door without waking Mrs. Ben
from her beauty snoring. But you
oughta heard what they said around
1880 when the 'hrst baseball player
tried to sock a ripe pumpkin with
a bed slat and started a panic that
eliminated in Cincinnati winning
the pennant in 1919.
The first seven fans were perch
ed on a duplex apartment hen roost
and told that first player some
things he had always suspected. but
could never prove. The first base
bags were grandpops trousers cut
down.. with the result that the first
home plate was a queer-shaped
patch that grandpop used to grip
the road when his chair was turn
ing the corners on one rocker.
The first foul lines were strings
of white ants and the first ump was
a stranger in the village. who made
the first decision and then built q
stone house on the receipts.
Il hal ctn ~ cd M
since then it has gone from bad to
the present administration.
SO the Baltimore doc is very right
when he says that baseball fans are
playing hockey from the paper doll
foundry. A guy who pays an
amusement tax on second division
sorrows. muzzle loads himself full
of Virginia goobers, tries to crack
a hard thirst with a soft drink and
hollers himself sour in an aug
mented choir of 100000 adenoid
musicians must be either crazy or
going there with a one-way ticket
A Tooter is a guy who carries tho
trigonometry of dizziness into the
fourth dementia-
But there is so much to holler
about these days that guy ought
to be allowed to holler when there
amt anything to holler about.