davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1920-12-01
MIR. B. Baer
Midas of Pie Alley.

Ponzi. the Midas of Pie Alley. Boston, will
have his air filtered through three-inch
bars. The pie in the alley turned out to be raxz.
berry.
Mr.. Ponz was financial wizard. After you
saw him pick rabbits out Of his hat you went
home and picked butterflies out of yours.
He could make two Of his dollars grow whrre
but one OF your dollars had grown before. Nv
manipulating the difference in temperature be-
tween Boston and Italy. he could grab billions
ont Of the thin air and divide the thin air among
his stockholders.
FOR the next five calendars Ponzi will be safe
from the blistering sun and the freezing temp.
csts. His is a lesson to the young
who regards work and honesty as foreign en-
The lesson is why work? Mr.. Ponzi made .
good bargain. He gets the next five years for
nothing.
Do we get the next five years for nothing:
Try and do it.
At the present cost Of just about living. Ponzi
will make a million a year while dining out OF
the municipal trough
Tho five seasons in the compulsory college
also protect him from the possible mistakes OF
the next Administration. That man ronzi isn't
getting the breaks. He's getting tho compound
fractures
Mr.. Ponz is getting the best of it. They ought
TO mako him pay war and luxury tax on the
next five years.
There is only bug in the ointment. lie 10
liable TO get pardoned as an extra punishment.
Figuring II out on an unbiased ukuIelc Ponzi
is getting rewarded instead of being punished.
easy to pipe.
Why work?
The Washington times., 1920-12-01
LIKE TO DICTATE.

DEAR MISS FAIRFAX:
We were three very intimate glrl friends.
that. at one time. would do any thing for one
another.
One Of the girls separated from us not long
ago. She has taken company with boys and
girls not our equal, and yet expects to con-
tinue going with us. We havo informed her
OF the character Of those friends, and still she
continues to go with them.
We very fond OF this girl and hate TO
sec her name pulled down by her present COM
panons. We have done everything in
power to bring her namo up again and now
seek your advice.
DO you think her friendship is worth our
name? B. & d.
How can tell from the meager information
in your letter whether her friendship is worth
while? You do not tell me anything about this
girl, her associates to whom you object, what
they do. where they 60. ct cetera Neither do
you tell me anything about yourself
From the tone of your letter, II would ap
pear that the two of you want to dictate to
name She'll doubt look after II all right
Since you two have good opinion OF your
selves. and are SO willing to pass judgment
on others. she cannot be very bad. or you
would not have had anything to do with her in
the beginning.
She has probably Broken away from her
chums' apron strings, and Is having a little
better time than you two are, and you don't
like IL bit.
II you two would broaden your circle OF
friends, both men and women you would find
many interesting people who are not bad, and
who will not drag down your good names.
The Washington times., 1920-12-01
Probable Cause of Aurora.

"What is the connection between the aurora
and magnetic conditions on tho earth and sum-
L. II. r"
The earth is a globular magnet rotating in the
electric field of the sun, which is n source OF
gigantic electromagnetic radiation. When q
great aurora Is visible II ccnters about the earth's
magnet pole, and the compass needles over the
greater part of a whole hemisphere are dis
turbed while at the same time large or rapidly
changing spots on the sun give evidence OF dis
turbances there capable of producing violet
variations in the tradition OF solar energy.
One OF the most probable looking theories is
that OF Arrhenius. who thinks that the earth's
lines OF magnetic force conduct torrents OF elcc-
irons arriving from the sun into streams directed
toward the magnetic poles. and these streams or
currents Of electrons produce both tho disturb
of the compass needle and the shooting.
shifting, waving, Frightening, and fading lights
of tho aurora.
The Washington times., 1920-12-01
CONSOLATION.
Oh, Hiram, Hiram, wipe yo' eyes

Oh, Hiram. Hiram, wipe yo' eyes
And hush yo' mounful cryin':
There's nothing ever gained at all
By weepin' and by sighin';
For when you're sad
And can't he GLAD
And nuthin' seems worth trying.
just stop while and take q look
Al William Jennings Bryan. D.
We go to the movies to laugh, but
we can often get many a good laugh
by reading the funny wording OF
some OF the signs out front and in the
lobby. j remember a few:
WATCH YOUR WIFE
Every Night This Week
GERALDINE FARRAR, SUPPORTED
FOR THE FIRST TIME BY
HER HUSBAND"
HER WEDDING NIGHT
Every Night This Week"
WALLACE WALTER.
l. NJ l. observes:
Two G street tailors who evidently
read the column: REED & BELLO.
The Washington times., 1920-12-01
EXERCISING YOUR VICTROLA.

A victrola's work Is to play. but II
noeds relaxation. IS do the neighbors.
Use tact In exercising your victrols.
There is a time and place for all rec
ords when your old fashioned aunt.
who stiIl retains her hustle. pays her
annual visit greet her with every Lit.
tie BIT Added 10 what You Got" II
Mrs DolIttle calls. stringtng her nine
youngsters behind her, strike up ~
Know Got More Than My share"
u the preacher calls put on Have a
Smile" or "On the Level. You're a
Devil" Aim never 10 offend, Greet
your landlord with Keep the Home
Fires Burning" welcome the weekly
sewing circle with the chin Chin Fox
Trot." For a pro British Democrat
play Lets All BE Americans Now"
for the extreme fashioned girl play
the "sensailon Rag" or When You
meeting OF your poker friends play
Brighten the Corner Where You Are"
This may be variated with Tennessee.
Hear You Calling Ne"
The guy in the fourth moor hallroom
who threw out his mattress had the
idea OF fitness when he played They
Go wild. Simply wild. over Me"
SILICUS.
The Washington times., 1920-12-01
Beatrice Fairfax
Advice.
DIFFERS WITH Is.

DEAR MISS FA1RFIN:
Referring to letters from L. E. W" trust
that may be pardoned IL / say that your ad-
vice hardly meets in full the question propounded
by your correspondent You state that the OBJ
jections OF the parents Of the young lady TO her
marriage to l. F.. W.. who is of the Jewish fith.
do not appear to be we'll founded. tnasmuch as
they indicate religious or race prejudice.
II difference OF religious view is already
causing trouble. what differences may reason
ably be expected after the marriage of such a
couple. II admit that in the family life the
wife and mother is to be looked upon as the
conservator of faith and morals What limo or
conduct may be looked for from the husband in
such a case as this. Is he at liberty to deny this
position to the wife? May he prevent her from
following her religion? May he object to the
children being reared in her faith?
Until these points are settled. are not the
parents OF the young lady warranted in oppos-
ing the match? Can l. f. w. see his way clear
in the direction OF embracing the faith OF the
young lady? II he has a true regard for her
he will find difficulty in overcoming a differ
ence that tends to be an obstacle to her future
happiness. II his religious convictions are so
strong to make this course impossible 1t is
clear that he should seek the society of a girl
OF his faith. READER
The Washington times., 1920-12-01
WITHIN A SILVER rim.

insy .sy my girl II passing plain
=. InAt when she peers into her glass
nsusht reneWs TO make her vain
iAinhs !" her eyes no comely lass.
But ] make bold TO say 10 you:
within her mirrors silver rim
A sweeter face comes into view
Than any painters art could linn"
within that rim. II they but knew.
Reflected lies. In calm repose,
A nQer nower than ever Erew
Beside = full blown, blush-red rose,
Finer. by virtue OF It's grace.
Finer. by virtue OF its smile
Than any painted, pansy face,
Or tiger liiy's brasen style.
JOE CONKLIN
The Washington times., 1920-12-01
PERTINENT PARAGRAPHS.

Prohibition has brought about one
thing. II you give a tramp 2o cents
you may be reasonably sure that he
won't spend the money for q pint Of
whiskey.
The popularity OF the winning foot
ball teams proves the old saw. ITO
the victor belongs the COILS"
The male movie star IL a person
who combs wicked marcel. wears
silk bawth-robe. and smokes
cigarettes.
A movey actress Is composed OF
curls. eyes. smiles. tears and kisses.
A movie comedian is an individual
who bats pies with his face.
A movie bathing girl Is a person
whose face is not necessarily her
fortune. PAUL WHITE.
The Washington times., 1920-12-01
BOOK MYSTERY

"The Strange Case OF Mary Page"
WAS the latest mystery. "Still Jim"
could not tell THE Reason Why" he
suspected John Rawn" But the
Seven Keys to Baldpate" were them
selves "Alone" enough TO convict him.
Escaping the clutches OF the law he
came TO THE Rivers End" and under
"The spur OF Danger" sought some
way out of the difficulty. He saw
Mary Midthorne" and. under THE
Lure Of the Mask" she wore. told her
she was THE Soul OF Life" While
he was in the midst OF pleasures and
Palaces" In walked "The Enemy"
who called him Half a Rogue" as he
led him away. OIL. BY JINGO.
The Washington times., 1920-12-01
INTRODUCING OHIO.

I'm a stranger In your eity-esIne to you
from Buckeye land:
Im no poet. well ] know It's . writer.
I'm a ham.
But now with your kind attention. and
Bilfs permission. TOO,
I've q ditty, sweet and pretty words and
music Just for you.
Unknown reader have you ever had the
lonesome, Know None" blues!
DO you know that "All Dressed" feeling,
but no place to PARK your shoesl
Well. that's me from A to ILEsrd. and I've
got the Jiminies now.
Say, It's tough to DO q stranger-you Id
like to know somehow.
Girls. you're wrong. for she's a herman, not
30 bad II you but knew.
But Ihs read the TeEulations--Bill Price
says. he no can do.
SIN I'D like real well TO meet you. Goldle.
Venus and the rest,
Absence oft may lend enchantment. but
like the presence" best
sometime maybe III be lucky. then we'll
meet Just you and l.
Hut that future is too distant. for the
present day ! sigh.
SO accep this silent howdy," Us the best
that | can do,
But remember that I'm waiting just to
moet the really you OHIO.
There Is only one remedy for date
breaking. DON'T MAKE ANY.
DAIrT. WHITE
The Washington times., 1920-12-01

The New Zealand infant has the
privilege OF selecting its own name
A long string OF names are repeated
TO the child until il cries or sneezes.
which is taken as a sign that the
last name uttered is the one chosen
w. WALTER.
The Washington times., 1920-12-01

reactionares and woud-be auocrats is truth Such
as Bismarck the Car and his ministers among those
that have preached hatred Of Jews and encouraged
cuton Of them. No good, useful American, least Of all
Henry Ford, who has done so much for America and
American industry, should be found in movement of
which the handspring is religious hatred, prejudice and
ignorance.
The French republic has just buried with honor and
The Washington times., 1920-12-01

That Will be a thin, red line
of Democrats in the next Con-
gress. and they'll probably see
red when the other fellows start
in to tear down the house that
Woodrow built.
+. VETTER
The Washington times., 1920-12-01
THAT BROKEN DATE.

The fans watch everything In the
column and then comment upon L..
LII" inquired the other day about
two boys breaking dates with two
girls. and Il. J. ID. proceeds to write
this:
There was u young girl named Lu,
Who had q date exceedingly new.
The dAter had to work,
His date he did shirk,
And now Lu Is feeling quite blue.
H. j. ID.
The Washington times., 1920-12-01
AND SHE!

They stood in the moonlight together.
The sky was studded with Htars;
She stood in the silence beside him,
AS he lowered for her the bars
She gszes with soft eyes upon him,
hut there was no love in them now.
For he was only a hired man,
And shea Jersey COW.
SOCRATES.CkES
The Washington times., 1920-12-01

the heart of Gabeta founder of the French
republic, and of French FREEDOM
GAMBETTA WAS A JEW and when he worked for
and established in the French republic freedom and equal
opportunities for all, he represented the REAL JEWISH
SPIRIT.
To nstill race hatred and religious intolerance is
crime against this country. Public opinion should abom-
mate it and national laws should punish it.
The Washington times., 1920-12-01

The world 10 full OF lots OF men
Who never stole a cent:
Who'ye come right home 81 p. m.
And told Just where they vent.
DioEenes was blind. Euess.
To search be hadn't oughter.
Why, ! even know a milkmsn
Who doesn't milk his water.
The Washington times., 1920-12-01
ADVICE ON FLIRTING.

Yield not 10 airtation,
For ftrtatioH 10 SIN.
Some Kind sister uiH help Dov
Her brother 10 t0in
Strive Iady-lke oHtoard.
Strong hearts 10 subdue,
DOH't look at the boys. girls,
Let them look at you.
CENTRAL HIGH SCHOOL.
The Washington times., 1920-12-01
hear II whispered that BILL
went to Havana on his vacation.
Does the column seem Groggy:
PATHE.
THE WAY TO GET IN.

Jim. pointing to girl on car-"That
girl is anxious to get into the busi-
mes. whirl."
John--"Send her to my office and
tell her to come in the revolving door
when a couple OF Western Union
messengers are going in"
SOUTHERN SLIM.
The Washington times., 1920-12-01

A cakie took me to a lecture
on spiritualism and when told at
the door that the price was 81
each he almost tainted. remark
ing to me: Il don't believe in
spirits" l.. +. B.
The Washington times., 1920-12-01
A WISE OLD BIRD.

Wise old owl lived In an oak
The more he saw the leHs ne spoke:
The less he spoke the more he heard;
SO why can't we be like that wise old
bird? A. u. s.
The Washington times., 1920-12-01
Registered U. S. Patent Ofnc&
BY X. c. B..

But ANYWAY.
WE MADE pretense.
1T LED to blows.
AND I raised my hand.
AS THOUGH to strike.
AND THAT silly dog.
HE LEAPED right up.
AND GRABBED my
sleeve.
AND HELD my arm.
AND GROWLED.
AND DIDN'T let go.
TILL HIS master
laughed.
AND BADE him quit.
AND 1T took us an
hour.
TO CONVINCE the
dog.
I'D MEANT no harm.
AND FOR a time.
1T REALLY looked.
AS THOUGH his mas
ter.
WOULD HAVE to kiss
me.
JUST TO give assur-
ance.
THAT WE were
friends.
HE'S THE sort Of a
dog.
I'D LIKE to have.
FOR THOSE muscular
friends.
WHO SLAP our backs.
! THANK you.
The Washington times., 1920-12-01
A woman never pays much
attention to her husbands talk
unless he talks In his sleep.
WALLACE WALTER

Fortune Teller-"You've been eatins
onions"
customer-"How did you know.
haven't breathed II to a soul"
r. N. X.
The Washington times., 1920-12-01

Mary was a sweet young thing,
Who didn't drink or smoke.
There wasn't q commandment made
That Mary ever broke.
She was so dArrSh unearthly good
That, gosh, ] couldn't b. her
But Mary went away 20 school.
And now you oughta see her
FREE n. e. z.
She-"what shape is a kiss"
He-"Give me one and Ill call IL
DOTS.
The Washington times., 1920-12-01
FEMALE STRATEGY.

TTNNLTs ~ Nm E"Is
Girls are getting even on some of
these "get-out-and-w walk" boys. Two
girls in a machine stopped on +
street, picked up two fellows and took
them for a ride into the country.
When they got half way to Rockville
the girls told the boys to get out and
walk, thus giving them a dose OF their
own medicine. GREY EYES.
The Washington times., 1920-12-01
There Is only one remedy for date
breaking. DON'T MAKE ANY.
PAUL WHITE.

Who said "Goldie" was a
chicken? Eve heard she was an
old hen when the Dead Sea took
sick. EDDY DAVIS.
The Washington times., 1920-12-01

HE HAS a bulldog.
An ENGLISH bull.
WITH 4 lower jaw.
THAT SHOWS its |
teeth.
AND HE has an idea.
THERE'S no one else.
IN ALL the world.
But JUST his master.
AND ALWAYS: |
WHEN A caller
comes.
HE STICKS around.
AT HIS masters feet.
UNTIL HE'S sure.
IT'S A friendly call.
AND AFTER that
HE'LL WAC his tail.
AND wADDIE off.
TO A friendly rug.
AND TAKE a nap.
AND YESTERDAY.
1 CALLED on them.
AND HIS masters
habit.
AND ALSO mine.
IS TO plague each
other.
IN A Joking way.
WITH SILLY things.
THAT SOUND unkind.
AND WHATEVER it
was.
WE JOkED about.
1T DOESN'T matter. |
The Washington times., 1920-12-01
A STRING OF SONGS.

My dear Buddy" "If You Could
Care for Me-" Nobody Knows" how
happy would be. what Could Be
sweeter" than to have you Hold Ne"
in my Bsby's Arms" While I'm
Whispering" Loves Rosary" Dear
Heart" seem to hear tho Music of
Wedding Chimes" on our honey.
moon in Cuba" "Someday," while
we're "Jazzin' the Blues Away" Can
You Imagine" Dear Old Pal OF
Mihe." the Dreamy Golden Hours"
we'll spend together? There'll be
"Kisses" in the Evening" in Sweet
heart Land" with you. dear. "Just
You" Then later in Lullaby Land"
our Rose Dreams" will come true.
Tell Me" "If You're Only Fooling
Me-" cause I'm Forever Thinking or
You" and ITS Never Too Late to Be
Sorry" "I'll Be Your Regular
Sweetie" and goodncss knows, "Fll
Be Happy When the Preacher Makes
You Mine" EDDY DAVIS.
SOME SHADOW.
A young man said his best girl was
named "Sue," and she was so thin he
called her his sue" veneer 'Sou-
venir). IL. SMITH.
WHAT'S IN A NAME.
FRANK HONESTY was arrested
for false pretcnscs and larceny.
Lady, on + street car-"Docs this
car run 9th street,"
Conductor--"No mann
Lady--"The starter said it wcuis."
Conductor-"This car can't r.n
sideways" TOKEN.
The Washington times., 1920-12-01
'OCRATES.CkESAR.

CHARLES V. BELT, of The Times,
is receiving congratulations for Mrs.
Belt and himself A fine boy arrived
Monday morning; the first child.
The Washington times., 1920-12-01
Elizabethan Oaths.

collection of Elizabethan oaths could be
made from Shakespeare "Strike me speechless,"
Burn me II do" "Stab my vitals." "Spit my
windpipe." "Gads my life," "Gadzooks," Mary
come up" OF them now. obsolete.
The Washington times., 1920-12-01

Three cents for The Times and II
and > is as good as paying 40 cents
for the movies. JUDGE FROG.
The Washington times., 1920-12-01
THE NATIONAL DAILY
Registered at tho United States Patent ofne.

Copyright. 1890. by Star Company
The Washington times., 1920-12-01
WHAT'S IN A NAME.

FRANK HONESTY was arrested
for false pretenscs and larceny.
ii. SMITH.
The Bridgeport times and evening farmer., 1920-05-10
PASSENGER LINER
 HURON DEDICATED

New York, May 1O-Another link in the "chain of ships which is to join North and South America as forged here today when the 10TH ton passenger liner Huron was dedicated to the Shipping Boards South Amer ican service
 The Huron, formerly the German liner Frederich Der Crosse, was made over for passenger trade, after serv- ing as an American transport during the World War. She will sail next Saturday for Rio De Janeiro and Buenos Aires with all her cabin ac- commodations filled.
 More than 200 representatives of the United States and South Ameri- can governments, officials of the Ship- ping Board. and executives of various steamship lines attended the deica- tion ceremonies. They were guests Of Frank c. Munson, president of the line which bears his name, chosen by the Shipping Board as managing agents of the service.
The Bridgeport times and evening farmer., 1920-05-10

Nothing is SO fatal to an otherwise good memory as borrowing money.
The Bridgeport times and evening farmer., 1920-05-10
BIG EATERS GET KIDNEY TROUBLE E Take Salts at first sign of Bladder irritation or
 Backac1le.

The American men and women must guard constantly against Kidney trou- ole. because we eat too much and all our food is rich Our blood is filled with uric acid which the kidneys strive to filter out, they weaken from oVerwork, become sluggish; the elinn- lnatlVe tissues clog and the result is kidney trouble, bladder weakness and a general decline in health
 When your kidneys feel like Iumps Of lead; your back hurts or the urine Is cloudy, full of sediment or you are ophged to seek relief two or three times during the night; if you suffer with sick headache or dizzy, nervous spells, acid stomach, or you have rheumatism when the weather is bad get rom your pharmacist about four ounces of lad Salts; take a table spoonful in glass of water before breakfast for few days and your Kidneys will then act fine. This fa- nous salts is made from the acid of grapes and lemon juice, combined With lithia, and has been used for generations to flush and stimulate ciogged kidneys; to neutralize the acids in the urine so it no longer is a source of irritation. thus ending bladder disorders
 lad Salts is inexpensive; cannot in Jure, makes a. delightful effervescent hthia-water beverage, and belongs in every home, because nobody can make mistake by having T good kid ney flushing anY time.-Adv.
The Bridgeport times and evening farmer., 1920-05-10

 MOVE Is WEAK

Paris, May fS----Leon Jouhaux, master spirit of the French Fedora ton of Labor, has failed apparently to strengthen the movement for ma GoraA1za1aon of public txIztbes by or oeI1ng a strike on hanspof4afiou lines, subways and traanways in Pa rts At ID o'clock fzlas forenoon om- nSoukaes were going about as usual. p71t there were only a few cabs to be seen Frequent clashes during the forenoon between strikers and taxi cab drivers, who were ready to run thear HacaHnes, took place Tram ways were working regularly 'tH1t re- ma1ned within inc walls of Paris and dld not enter sErbg1rsbs- Sfen operat- Ing them were not attended as on May Day, by police or soldiers. Auto buses continued to circulate and there were no atteanK,ts at violence against them.
 The str1ke is comKsfete at AfarSeiHes and SE- E1lenne, and is effective at Lyons
The Bridgeport times and evening farmer., 1920-05-10
AN ID HAVE CONGRESS-
 TAKE MONTHS RECESS

Was1zzzgannsHs,5 O AHaye1o-Wnh 1 a. .Iegasaax38e nAAnaaz ffaa1 win De as saifed in the <caznpzfgn as non-pro- ductdve of frzHo47sAE arcoxnpzkska- i n7enfs, RepMhs9ean 7ezS5eRs in Con ] gress arc banning to throw Chat body tzzso<a- long recess In about one naonth-
 Present plans of the G. O F. lead CTS cali for .. recess of Congress the first week in June, and unless p1h- 1ica sentiment brings an .ear1Ter re- coitvening it is the hope of the Re publican legislators to extend the re- cess until approximately near the middle of September. It is under stooGs that actual adjournment is not con te7Apaa1ed because of the fear that the President might caIl Con gress back Into extra session to take up some of the recouSrrctdon lexis lation which has been side#racked during the present session. With Congress i'm recess, it Is azgzned, i1 will be inaDpEszbas for the Presdent to call the ruen1zseEs back
 Ne1Sezta7esezsss. %ssszes EssA8s0 the fear that eRem 1n, s@Esznss &7aB expedFena of a recess the Eneautbers may rum sonsa risk benaMse the President nnzg91t Es-l sue. ;Ss@satErneaT AllRcectdmg attention tn tf7e SfeEseaSEtlRus of the 1esEs9a1iyzs brzz1ch of the gUvsrnent and its! fa1hureS b0 take up the nnamy re- construction z1rJoEe1ns he urged seE-i eral ~rnoufhss- Agn- HuswaEer, 50 great