The Bottineau courant. (Bottineau, Bottineau County, N.D.) 1895-1929, 1920-08-05
BOB INGERSOLL

BOB INGERsOLL
Writes Red Hot Letter From the
Capitol of Hades to Ole AK
handlehoehandle
Banks of the Styx, Shoel, Aug. 3.
l will endeavor to write you the let
ter l promised before leaving New
York. Som Jones inadvertently told
the truth, for just as he predicted,
and as l secretely expected, l am in
>Hades. Came straight through with
out stop. l am sitting on a, hot Gin
der writing this letter on a piece Of
slate gouged from the ceiling with
my trident. A trident" you know is
one Of those funny looking little
pitchforks like Neptune used to car
ry about with him at the seaside. Ev-
erybody has one, and it makes fel-
low think he is at a Populist conven-
ton.
When I was on earth didn't be-
lieve in hell for I had travelled in
Kansas, and didn't think there could
be two places so much alike. But /
hadn't been here half day till I be-
lieved in a whole lot. 1t is much more
genuine and realistic than l antic-
ipated, but / think I will like it when
l get acclimatcd. Just now my feet
are blistered from walking on the hot
pavements, and I am dabbing them
in the Styx to cool them off. I was
talking to Moses a while ago and ne
says they will soon get calloused and
then I'll be al hunkydory. He has
read my mistakes Of Moses" and
laughingly admits that he had made
a good many when he was new to the
business. He is a jovial old cuss, and
/ rather like him. Told me on the
dead-everything is ION the dead"
here, that he didn't write the Penta-
teuch, but knows who did.
There are lots of people here, and
strangers arrive daily. But I would
not advise you to come down before
fall or winter, and even then you
needn't bring anything but a light
summer suit You won't need an over
coat or umbrella or skates, but you
might bring along a palm leaf fan or
two. For an *'imaginary," "nythical,"
"figuarative," "ellegorical," "unorth-
odox", hell, this is about the hottest
one I ever got into.
But, say? I got here just in time to
strike a snap. Henry Ward Beecher
had just been retired on account of
age, and Mephistopheles appointed
me to succeed him as boss of the Min
neapolis Chicago and New York colon
mes, the largest ones here. I have a
lovely new trident with cute little
spear-point businesses on the tines,
and the devil has promised to get me
a long red tail and a pair of horns
like his when he goes to the city next
week. He seems to have taken fan
cy to me.
There are ministers here of every dc
nomination, and several camp meet
ings are in progress down the river.
Horace Greedy introduced me to Spur
geon and old Peter Cartwright last
night. We had a pleasant little lark
Together. They exepct Talmadge to
Join them before long. I have also
shaken hands with Tom Paine and
Voltaire, and find them very pleas
ant gentlemen. Said they had watched
NV career for some time, and were ex-
pecting me daily. Ben Franklin called
IN me this morning. He is wearing
his hair short now, and doesn't look
so much like Queen Liluokalani as ne
used to. I never could tell their pic
lures apart. no.
Of course the trust is here "big-
germ a chipmunk." Solomon and
Brigham Young have all the women
cornered, and the politicians are or
panizing to defeat the present admin
istration and elect new devil. They
want me to make the nominating
speech. You know I nominated Blaine
for president once, and did it up in
shape. Don't know who will be the
nominee. Jay Gould is running well
on account of his money and Judas
Iscariot and Annanias are quite pop
ular.
I wish you could send me the pa
pers. I would like to see what is be-
ing said about me. I suppose they'l!
print a lot Of my old letters and
publish enough pictures Of me tc
start a rogue's gallery, and every lit.
tie two-bv-four preacher will tel
show it happened" and water-brair
spiritualists will commune with my
spirits and all that sort Of thing.
wish the whole dod-rotted pack were
down here awhile, they wouldn't +
50 all-fired gay.
Well, I must close. We need raj,
the worst kind. Crops are almost
failure. If you are ever down thi'
wav drop in. Yours truly,