The Birmingham age-herald., 1920-04-22
MEN, WOMEN
 AND THINGS

have heard young married couples after their first baby came speak in won- derment of what they found to talk about before it's arrival, for when God sends an infant into home he sets up a perpetual topic of conversation.
 
 Now. if a baby can monopolize a family and baby talk get on the nerve of old bachelors and old maids, I want to call attention to something else which can derange a household and not only cause talk but be a perpetual source of care, and that is a cow. 1 own up to having a brainstoim at Bob Bells dispersal sale. The war came home to some by the loss of father, son or brother; it came to others by the need of their putting aside their business to take up arms; it came to still others in making sacrifices to live and give to the cause in fact, 1t came to people in many different ways. but the way it came to me was in the enlistment of Bob and my buying Islay May. registered Jersey.
 
 Ae$fC 4tsNNs OittitA tnr CANA9 OL AAS acquired her because of my namesake's taking such a fancy to her; but if 1 were to set down her history since she was adopted into the family It would take pages instead of my daily column to record the facts, to prove that one COW is more trouble than twins. that is. if she is kept under city conditions, and properly fed and successfully millxed If you are the head of the house, do not be weak minded enough to think that you can purchase a. COW and then wash your hands of her, for in spite of all dis chalmers as to any further responsibility, occasions will arise when, in spit of your great disinclination to have even speak ing acquaintance with her ladyship. you will be communicated to serve her in some capacity. even though you may never have to milk her.
 
 1 Do not think you can shift the load en- tirely on your wife, or even your boys, for emergencies will arise when it's a rush to get them off to school in the ! tllOi lAliiS anu Sll QllCI lpOSSADIlty lQ locate them around milking time in the afternoon. and the butler is indisposed and the cooks mother is dead, and the wife, like Martha of old, is worried about many things, and the COW has got to be nilked
 1 recall that some years before I lost l bilitjes, my brother just across the street ! took unto Himself COW under the very plausible theory that it would be nice to have pure, fresh milk for his young children. l recall going over and casual ly looking her over but with feigned in terest, and ill spite of6is calling my at tention to her fine points I was hardly polite.
 1 We'll, months rolled by, and I had for gotten all about the addition to his fam l fly, when late one Sunday afternoon he rang my bell and when I went out to meet him the first thing he said was. | Frank, do you know how to milk a cow?' Being city-hrolSe and never hav- ing lived in the country, disclaimed all knowledge of the subject, and thought to end the matter by asking him in for a quiet talk.
 But I soon detected that he was up against a tough proposition, for he told me that his man who was doubling in 1 the capacity of butler and dairymaid, for .or,a ,.e. co,, e, ,,t bar bod ,,ct ,.,,+ ; {. Y, appearance. although the shades of night were falling fast. Then said he. "It's up to me, and I am going to mlk her myself and knowing that he knew ab- solutey nothing about it. I volunteered to go over and see it tried out by a rank amateur.
 He is rather determined man. and when he sets out to do thing he tusually puts it through, and so in bun gling way he relieved her of her supply, but of course she would not let down for a stranger her usual output I have set down this much to show that he Imade his first great mistake in trying his hand as a millSer. for in the course of events the occasion to rush again into the breach and milk was sure to arise.
 I made mental resolve that I would never be caught in any like manner, and after more than two years I can show a clean bill of health as non-milker But let no man. because he is firm ir his decision not to acquire the art oi subtracting the tactic fluid from his perambulating dairy, think that Ae vii escape paying tribute in some shape to her welfare and comfort, for oppor- tunity will arise when to preserve hi. own self-respect as willing worker. h, will have to serve her wants in some lway.
 During the past two years. if I ever dressed for some special function and ! started downtown. the information would be conveyed to me that the cow-fooc was out and it would be impossible to gel any from the grocers in time to feee her; all of which meant that it was up to me to run over the way to my , brothers and borrow from him nnti mine arrived. have thought that il was my just punishment for sidesteppins my part of the cows caro.
 
 Fortunately, my brother always has ] large stock on hand and [ wo,,ld aa