The Washington herald., 1920-07-18


But that II neither here nor there.
The Association acknowledged re-
ceipt of his favor Of the 24th ult
with enclosure as stated Sepa-
rated by double line. but still
mighty close to the matter under
the caption Of oddities of the
Jacob Spraggins read that one
Jasper Spargyous" had donated
500, 900 to the u. B. A. Of G." A
camel may have a stomach for
each day in the week; but I dare
not venture to accord him whis-
kers, for fear of the Great Dis
pleasure at Washington; but IL
he have whiskers, surely not one
of them will seem to have been
inserted in the eye Of needle by
that effort of that rich man to
enter the K. of H. The right Is
preserved to reject any and all
bids; signed. S. Peter, secretary
and gatekeeper.
Next. Jacob selected the best
endowed college he could scare up
and presented 1t with a 100000
laboratory. The college did not
maintain a scientific course, but
it accepted the money and built
an elaborate lavatory instead,
which was no diversion of funds
so far as Jacob ever discovered.
The faculty met and invited
Jacob over to come over and take
his a B c degree. Before send
ing the invitation they smiled, cut
out the c, added the proper pune
tuation marks, and all was well.
While walking on the campus
before being capped and gowned,
Jacob saw two professors stroll
ing nearby. Their voices. long
adapted to indoor acoustics, un-
designedly reached his ear.
There goes the latest 'cheva-
llcr d'indusrrie,' said one of them.
ito buy a sleeping powder from
us. He gets his degree tomor-
row."
I'm foro conscientiae.' said
the other. Lets cave 'arf a
brick at 'im."
the brick pleasantly was not too
hard for him. There was no
mandragora in the honorary
draught of learning that he had
bought. That was before the
passage of the Pure Food and
Drugs Act.
Jacob wearied. OF philanthropy
on a large scale.
"If 1 could see folks made hap
pier" he said to himself-"If I
could see 'em myself and hear
'em express their gratitude for
what 1 done for 'em it would
make me feel better. This do
natin' funds to institutions and
societies is about as satisfactory
as dropping money into a broken
slot machine"
So Jacob followed his nose.
which led him through unswept
streets to the homes of the poor
est.
THE very thingw said Jacob.
81 will charter two river steam
boats, pack them full of these
unfortunate children and-say
ten thousand dolls and drums and
a thousand freezers of ice cream,
and give them a delightful out
ing up the Sound. The sea
breezes on that trip ought to
blow the taint off some of this
money that keeps coming in fas-
ter than l can work it off my
mind"
Jacob must have leaked some
of his benevolent Intentions, for
an immense person with a bald
face and a mouth that looked as
if it ought to have a Drop Let
ters Here" sign over it hooked
a finger around him and set him
in space between a BARRIERS
pole and a stack of ash cans.
Words came out of the post office
slit-smooth husky words with
gloves on 'em. but sounding as
if they might turn to bare
knuckles any moment.
Say, Sport, do you know where
O'Grady's district you're buttin'
into-see? Mikes got de stomach
ache privilege for every kid in dis
neighborhood-see? And if dere's
any picnics or red balloons to be
dealt out here, Mikes money pays
for 'em-see? Don't you butt in,
or something'll be handed to you.
Youse d settlers and reform
crs with your social ologies and
your millionaire detectives have
got dis district in a hell Of a fix,
anyhow. With your college stu
dents and professors rough-hous-
ing de soda-water stands and dem
rubber-neck coaches film de
streets. de folks down here are
'fraid to go out Of dc houses. Now,
you leave 'em to Mike. Dey be-
longs to him. and he knows how
to handle 'em. Keep on your own
side of de town. Are you some
wiser now, uncle, or do you want
to scrap wit Mike .O'Grady for de
Santa Claus belt in dis district"
Clearly, that spot in the moral
vineyard was pre-empted. So Ca
liph Spraggins menaced no moro
the people in the bazaars of the
East Side. To keep down his
growing surplus he doubled his
donations to organized charity,
presented the Y. NJ. c. A. of his
native town with a $4,000 col
lection of butterflies, and sent a
check to the famine sufferers in
China big enough to buy new
emerald eyes and diamond-filled
teeth for all their gods. But none
of these charitable acts seemed to
bring peace to the caliph's heart.
He tried to get a personal note
into his benefactions by tipping
bellboys and walters $40 and $50
bills. He got well snickered at
and derided for that by the MIN