Evening times-Republican. [volume] (Marshalltown, Iowa) 1890-1923, 1920-07-24
OUR CAMPAIGN.

The announcement of the republic
can candidate that he will conduct a
front-porch campaign has encour-
aged us to proclaim what has long
been in our heart and mind--a rear
of humanity at large, including our
self. We purpose to devote each
day of the week to. some big phase
of cosmic endeavor
Those who desire to attend our
meetings, will gather promptly each
morning at 1927 in our back yard
Promptly at 9:31 we shall make our
appearance on the fire escape (three
flights up) to preside ,over the gath
ering and to lend our inspiration.
The week will be divided as follows:
Monday-Mother's Day.
This day will be devoted to dis
cussion of the question: Hoy Shall
We Teach the Young Idea to shoot?''
Mothers of one child must bring a
dollar or an egg: mothers OF two
children, two dollars or two eggs etc.
potatoes will be accepted at market
values but turnips will not be taken
at any price, A prize equal to at
least half Of the total of the receipts
will be awarded at the end Of the
discussion to the mother who pays
the biggest entrance fee.
Tuesday-Father's Day.
The backbone of the debate on this
day will be the transcendent uues-
ton: How Can I Answer All Chill
dren's Questions? Children will
not be admitted. even tho accom-
panied by parents. because when the
chairman is hitched to a train of
thought he does not like interrupt
tions. Besides he might not be able
to answer some OF the children's
questions. The entrance fees and the
awards will be determined as on
mothers day.
Wednestay-Ouisa Day.
This day will be given over to an
endeavor to answer important ques-
lions of the day thru the ouija
board. The meetings will be held in
the cellar. where we keep our spirits.
Only men with strong constitutions
constitutions, we said, not breaths)
may attend.
Absolute silence must be main
tanned, but stills must be checked at
the door. The admission fee will be
81 for persons with ouija boards and
So for persons without them. To the
latter we shall supply boards but we
can not guarantee a fit. For the best
answer obtained during the seance
we shall award photograph Of Sir
Oliver Lodge, autographed Cby us)
or a spirit message, freshlaid..
Thursday-Poet's Day.
On this day we contract to allow
poets Of all sexes to read verse to us.
We shall charge ~ cents line for
listening to rl1ymed verse and "a
cents line for listening to free
verse. However, for bad rhymes an
additional assessment Of AZ cents
discord will be levied. Readers are
required to make at least 1877 lines an
hour. Child wonders and poetesses
Of passion who are more than so
years old will not be admitted for
any consideration.
Friday-Humorist's Day.
We feel that the noble art Of the
jokesmith has fallen into evil days
since prohibition became effective.
In the hope of instilling into it new
life we have set aside the Friday Of
each week for competition in anec-
dotes. Each person who attends the
on this day must bring a
Joke and S. For the best anecdote
q prize will be given-an auto
graphed copy Of our latest Joke book.
The person who tells the worst
joke-he will be determined by the
votes present-will be- required to
pay a fine Of s25. We shall take no
part in the competition.
Saturday and Sunday.
These days we shall spend in pro-
found meditation, that we may be
better equipped to assume the leader
ship of the gatherings. For this we
shall make no charge.