The Rock Island Argus and daily union. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1920-1923, 1920-12-31

~ ~
day AFTER day. So. why should We mot taik
about the colyum? There are NO dissenting
voices. (Just moment while ws tune our
lyre). We're on!
WHAT Is A COLYUNi
Strange a. It seems some persons do not know
Just what colyum is, or what its for,
So here We take the col apart ana throw
It's liver, heart and gizsard on the floor;
Remove it, stomach. lungs and all Its bones;
Upon It place an unrelenting knee
And then unmindful Of its dismal groans,
We turn It wrongside out for all to see.
Now here behold this clipping if you please:
Licensed to wed: John Poor and Mary
Money"
That friends, is Just about sixth-rate wheeze:
A smile therein-but nothing very funny.
A silly pun, Of course, ID obvious
But col conductors can't resist the lure
To add land make it more ridiculous:
"The Money that John gets makes Mary
Poor"
Then on page twelve we find this small want ad,
/ Written in haste perhaps by one in tears:
LOST: Lovely dog; answers to name Of Lad;
Pet Of lady with sharp pointed ears"
The reader reads and straightway cracks
smile;
He clips the nd, tacks on pseudonym
And mails it to this Pihiing Peristyle
That you may share his little joke with him.
We chance to see headline and we laugh
Because we see an error glazing there.
We quote it. then indite q paragraph
That sometimes makes the copy-readers
swear.
You read wedding story. Thus: 1.-THE bride
Was lovely in q picture hat and veil"
You grin, Of course; but you're not satisfied
Until you have the clipping in the mail.
Then there be others who oft feel the urge
To voice their sentiments in bits of verse
Which stand uncertainty upon the verge
OF awfulness-but still could be much worse
With eds. of magazines they make no hit;
They send 'em back with typed reflections
cold.
They come to rs: We tinker them a bit
oh, Joy! In print your brain-chiid you behold
We've showed you all the innards OF the thing:
The heart, the gizzard, liver, lungs and gall;
We've showed you where the colyum keeps its
sting
We've told You all there is-well, not quite
ALL
For there's one reservation must be made:
We simply can't tell ALL, else you might
shirk
The duty that you owe us-cease your aid;
And we, alas! would have to go to work!
FOR an infant of nine months we've sue
ceeded very we'll TINS far BY success We mean
quantity, not quality. Filling space is the es-
sential thing The city editor iii he reads this
which he probably WON'T will label 1t "pifie :"
Even So That 10 colyumist's stock in trade.
II he attempts to conceal an earnest thought
behind cactus bush Of verbiage some sacrilig-
ious person digs 1t out and laughs at it as the
best joke in the colyum
But our honest-to-gosh idea of what a COL
yum should be il this: 1t should usually dis
it appears. It should disagree at times and
agree at other times without appearing to do so
! (if you get what We mean) with the vox .pop
colyums. 1t should point out, with suitable
comment, providing its conductor Is capable
Of SO doing) lapses in grammar, choice of
phrases. ETC., Of all reporters, copy-readers and
society editors. 1t should dissect and haunt
for all to see the blurbs of some ad. writer's
for the good Of their souls. It should never
be prudish and never vulgar. And it should be
all these things without MORALLY wounding the
feelings Of any man, woman or cheeild
That, as We specified, is what a colyum
(; SHOULD be. Us. We abide by but one COM
mandment and We keep that faithfully:
Thou shalt not steal from thy brothers
! colyum"
We hope to have 90 many contributors dur
ing 1921 that the colyum will cleave pathway
| through the alleged short story to the bottom
OF the page. As New Years resolution for
! our readers We submit this:
II resolve to contribute to The Tombstone
at least one wheeze. quip, roundelay, chanson-
nette, sonnet, ballad. limerick quatrain or COUP
/ let per week during this year"
May the new year bring You that which
you deserve. R. E. MIG.