Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1920-04-18

I
but they don't. The unknown human
race would be a lot nearer.
| Which is enough OF a curtain raiser,
maybe, for the tale of how l paid a
professional call. here the other after
noon, on II. Milton Burch. Not that
my cards read Physical Culture.
Taken In and Going Out" Mostly stick
to the studio. where I have all the APP
paratus for treatin' plutes whose liv-
ers have turned boIshevik. But now
and then. in special cases and al spe-
lcial rates. l pack a medicine ball and
a set of kid mitts in a kit bag and go
chase my job, like a plumber or a
piano tuner
1t was my friend Pinckney. you
might know. who steered me up
against this Burch person and urges
me to give him private sessions when
I was all for turnin' him down.
j who is he ! asks, that he can't
come to the studio and mix with the
common herd OF brokers and bank
Presidents"
| IF l must confess it. Shorty" says
Pinckney. 'he is my Uncle Henry.
Not real uncle. YOU know. / ac-
lQuiItu MN ny ANU lie HAS
otherwise achieved fame. and Incl
dentally fortune. by manufacturing
brass beds in perfectly scandalous
Quantities.
En- says r. Hes the Burchs
brass beds man. is Me-"
| Such he is" says Pickney. al
though we seldom mention the fact
outside the family circle. But he's
an inoffensive old boy aside from his
glittering bedroom atrocities. And ]
understand he did not originate the
| brass bed idea 1t was the barbarous
notion OF a German factory foreman.
who was promptly discharged for try
ing the experiment. But before the lot
could be white enameled perverted
furniture buyer for a Brooklyn in
stallment Arm Fad purchased the
whole two hundred and put them on
the market Well, you know what
happened
/ The brass bed epidemic broke out
and swept the entire world. Think OF
it. Shorty! A nation which had already
inflicted the telephone and the penny
in-the-slot gum machine on humanity
now added to the horrors of living
and dying-the brass bed. They in
vaded a million homes here. and then
swept on until in the peaceful isles
OF the far seas no humble hut was
without this blatant token of our
wretched taste. And. OF course. Uncle
Henry became vulgarly wealthy. Buy
One of Burchs Brass Beds came TO
be an international slogan, and while
he sold out to trust during the
height Of the craze. he has never been
able to live down the evil fame which
(; his advertising agents fastened on
him. So do not judge him too harshly.
Shorty. Go. up to his sixteen-room-
four baths apartment and show him
how to conquer his govt or his In
somnia or whatever 1t is that poor old
Uncle Henry thinks is the matter with
him"
It's going to put a crimp in his
daily income il l do" says L. ;.
"Oh, have quite prepared him for
that" says Pinckney. Charge him
the limit. just as II you were making
out a cost-plus bill on a government
contract"
Thanks for the bunch. Pinckney.".
says I. In cases like this l always
! try to do EN- good"
So at 2:l5 a taxi unloads me between
the tubbed cedars or the inner court
and an elevator takes me up to the
ninth floor. II hadn't seen SO many
of these so-calied captains of industry
I expect I'd have been some disap-
pointed in H. Milton Burch. But as a
rule they amt much to look at. Brass
Bed Burch is about as upimpressive
as most of 'em. Not that there amt
enough of him. for he's a stable old
boy. But in spite OF his Ave foot ten,
and his wide shoulders and his heavy
growth OF facial shrubbery he don't
register very strong with me. Some
how I wouldn't pick him out as a
human dynamo. Maybe It's them
shifty eyes, or the hint OF a weak chin
under the crisp curly whiskers.
1 finds him camped behind a big
mahogany desk with a tall vase of
dollhouse roses on one corner and a
smirky. white neckted private sec
rotary at his elbow. ! ; .....-- :,
"Ah, Prof McCabe" says he. Pune
tual to the minute. That's good, very
good. Now If you'll pardon me for
one moment while I finish a little
business. All, thank you. All right
Dodson. You may send out those
checks which ] have signed. And You
may say that 1 Will add further dona-
tions if necessary. Your little note to
the press sounds rather satisfactory
See that copy goes to all the papers
and oil IN,
usual That is all for today, Dodson
think. Now, Professor"
well. what'l 1t be-" says l. a
few rounds with the gloves. eh?"
"Boxing?" says H. Milton. "Oh Il
fear I'm not in condition to 60 in for
anything SO violent"
| You look husky enough to me-" says
l. Nothing like swapping punches to
get lathered up quick
| He won't listen to it though. No, he
insists that he's almost an invalid In
fact, | discovers that what H. Milton
Burch wants to do most is to tell me
about his little aches and pains. AL
most had me buffaloed about 'em, too.
until goes over him. thorough, finds
that his blood pump is workin' as
regular as a clock, that his breathin'
! is good, and so on.
| But I've seen lots Of EN- that way,
When they haven't much to do but
I fuss about themselves they get to
workin' up all kinds of suspicious
Huh says ]. Little soft, that's
all, and maybe you've been eatn' too
hearty. About all you need is"
l was on the point Of spillin' some
sound aNytre and nrescrihip' O ronr,o