The Birmingham age-herald., 1920-09-12

frends-and he has meeny of them declare that he was the gratest Secretery of State the country evver had during the period he occupied the chair and at such inurvals that his assistent was Acting, which was most of the time. It is unfair, however, to critisize Wilyum's record as Secretery for the job was sort of side line with him-most of the time he was compelled to yeeld to publick clammor and chase ovver to Sandy Grove, Wis, or sumuther phase and address his fellow citizuns on the evils of To- cal optsion and the purely tenn perary and efermeral joy obtained frum the application of the deemun run to the pursun of an adult.
 Wilyum is the most flewant orra- tor of our native soil. Anuther equally brillient statistisian has figgured out that if all the yells that Wilyum has yanked frum the Americon public could be con- sentrated into one mitey effurt it would make an explosion that would rattle the windurs in Mars, and disIocate the spots on the Sun. As such times as Wilyum was wurk-
 
 of the demmycratic and populite party for presidint he rose to the verry pinnicle of his glory as a slingur of Bull.
 Statistisans-theere I go again-have f1ggured that rite aftur one of Wik yuIn's grate effurts not less than + nlilyum republicans have seezed his hand and assured him that they would vote at least six times for him when electson day cum round-the same statisticians avur that sed F milyum republicans voted times each for the uther feller; this as I have sed be- fore may be an exaggurasion. It is hard to beleeve that a man can find the time to vote times in one elect sion-besides that if such had been the case the aggregate would have ex- ceeded the total vote of the country So theere is lie nailed. It does me good to throw the harpoon into a statistisian. 1t is utterly impossibull for them to have voted moor than 8 times each.
 In fact, a prominint republican as- sured me that under no circumstances would the republican party be guilty ofFsuch a gross injustice to the pub- lick-he sed that votes for one man was the limmit. I took that, however, with a grain of salt; l have known the demmycrats to do bettur than that; I was cannydate myself onse for publick offs up in Etowah county, and judgeing soley frum the returns I would say that lot of folks must have started early and stayed late; theere sertainly was lot of enthus- iasm in that electsion.
 Undoubtedly the country owes Wilyum a debt of gratitude; he has dun much for the peepul, and tho of corse he has reserved liberal per dien-they do say he is thrifty guy-at the same time his survises have been beyond estimate. It Is reck- lessly charged against him that he has run the prise of ltcker up to twenty bones quart and bad quality at that, but 1 say it is unjust to try to bring him into the proffitteering class While it is trew that sud- den deeth and White litning has gone up to a point wheere only duly ac- credited memburs of the labor unions and milyunaires have mummy enuff to buy a snftur, I don't beleeve that Milyum is in on it. A tatistisan-l wish I could get away frum them guys-sed that if Wilyum could only land a nomminasion now that the bootleggers union could put him ovver That is one home industry they say Wilyum has built up. But that is skandelus-no one takes a bit of stock in such tommyrot. 1 would no moor think of trying to get quart frum Wilyum than I would polise- man to whom | had not ben intro, dused.
 The demmycrats air wurrying sum about what Wilyum is going to do. They air afraid that he will sulk round for a while and then cum to bat and help out the repub- licons. They need not wurry. Will yum is regular-he may feel soar and doubtless is--but he is not go ing to jump the resurvasion. At the last minute he'll registur for the party of the peepul," and while he may rinkle his nose a bit, he'll swaller the dose and not only vote the ticket, but he'll turn loose the most plawsabull excuse for doing so you evver herd. Wilyum is rite theere when it cumS to giving reesuns. I am informed that he can explain enny thing in the world to enny boddy's absoloot satisfactsion bettur than enny man livving.