South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1920-10-22
The Handbook of Hymen-By O. Henry

sat and read mat BOOK Tor f0uf
hours All the wonders OF education
was compressed in r.. I forgot the
snow. and I forgot that me and old
Idaho was on the outs. Tic was sit
tins still on stool reading away
with a kind Of partly soft and partly
mysterious look shining through his
tan-bark whiskers
Idaho" SAYS l. what kind Of a
book is yours
Idaho must have forgot. too. for
he answered moderate. without any
Islander or malignity
w ny says he. this here seems
20 be a volume by Homer *. N.
Homer X NJ what" 7 asked.
Why, just Homer K. NJ. SAYS he.
You're liar saws l. little
riied that Idaho should try 10 put
round signing books with his init
iaIs II It's Homer * VI. SpoOPen-
dyke. or Homer X NJ McSweenev.
or Homer X. NJ Jones. why don't
YOU say so like "a man instead Of
biting Of the end Of IL like "A calf
chewing off the tail OF a shirt on
q ClothCs-liuc
4 put il 90 YOU straight. Sandy.
says Idaho quiet It's a poem
book. says he. by Homer \. NJ I
couldn't get color out OF it at first.
but there's a vein II YOU follow IL
up. 7 wouldn't have missed this
book FOR a pair OF red blankets"
You're welcome 10 it," SAYS T.
SAYS I. What ] want is a disintcr-
csted statement OF facts for the
mind 20 work on and that's what !
seem 10 find in the book I've
drawn"
What YOU va got says Idaho. lis
statistics the lowest grade Of in
formation that exists They'll poison
your mind Give me old * NJ IS
system OF surmises He seems To be
kind OF Il wine agent His feEu-
lar toast is nothing doing and he
seems TO have crouch. but he
keeps is SO we'll fabricated with
booze that his worst kicks sound
like an invitation 20 split "a quart.
But it's poetry says Idaho. and 1
have sensations of scorn for that
truck OF yours that tries 20 convey
sense i'm feet and inches. When il
comes to explaining the instinct OF
philosophy through the art Of ma
ture. old X. NJ. has got your man
beat by drills. rows. paragraphs.
chest measurement. and average an
nual rainfall"
So that's the way me and Idaho
had 1t. Day and night all the ex-
Citcment we got was studying our
books That snowstorm sure fixed
us with a fine lot of attachments
apiece. BY the time the snow melt
ed If YOU had stepped up 20 me sud-
denly and said. "Sandcrson Pratt.
what would II cost per square foot
10 lay q roof with POKE tin at $3.50
per box I'd have told you as quicl,
as light could travel the length Of a
spade handle at the rate Of 10000
miles per second. How many can
do il? You wake up most any man
YOU know in the middle of the night.
and ask him quick to tell YOU the
number Of bones i'm the human skel-
cton exclusive of the teeth. or what
percentage of the vote of the Ne
braska Legislature overrules "a veto.
viii he tell you? Try him and see.
About what benefit Idaho got out
OF his poetry book I didn't exactly
know Idaho boosted the wine
agent every time he opened his
mouth but I wasn't so sure.
This Homer X. NJ. from what
leaked out of his libretto through
Idaho. seemed TO me to be a kind of
a dog who looked AT life like il was
tin can tied to his tail After
running himself half TO death. he
sits down hangs his tongue out and
looks at the can and says:
"Oh. well. since we cant shake
the GROWER. let's get it filled at the
corner. and all have drink on me-
Besides that. it seems ne was a
Persian and never heard of
Persia producing anything worth
mentioning unless IL was Turkish
rugs and Maltese cats.
That spring me and Ida 30 struck
pay ore. u was "a habit Of ours 10
sell out quick and keep moving. We
Unluadcd on our grubStaker for
$4,000 apiece. and then we drifted
down 10 this little town Of Rosa. on
the Salmon river to rest up. and
get some human grub. and have our
whiskcrs harvested.
Rosa was no mining camp. Ii
laid in the valley. and was as free OF
uproar and peStilenCe as one of
them rural towns in the country.
( There was a three-mile trolley line
ChampinE its bit i'm the environs,
and me and Idaho spent a week rid
ing on one Of the cars dropping off
nights at the Sunset View hotel. BE
ing we'll read as we'll as travelled. we
was soon pro re nata with the best
society i'm Rosa and was invited out
TO tho most DIRE sscd-Up and high
tonel entertainments. 10 was at a
piano recital and Quail-catinE CON
test in the city hall. for the rensdt
OF the fire company. that me and
Idaho first met Mrs De Ormond
Sampson. the queen OF Rosa So
lietv
Mrs Sampson was a widow. and
owned the only two-story house IN
town IL was painted yellow. and
whichever way YOU looked from YOU
could sec IL as plain as egg on the
chin of an O'Grady on Friday.
Twenty two men IN Rosa besides me
and Idaho was trying 20 stake a
claim on that yellow house.
There was ii dance after the song
hooks and quail bones had been
raIed out Of the hall. Twenty three
OF the bunch Caloped over 20 Mrs
sampson and asked for q dance. I
sidc-steppcd the twO-step and aske d
permission 20 escort her home.
That's where I made a hit
on the way home says she.
Amt the stars lovely and bright
tonight 2ir. Pratt"
For the chance they've got
saws they're huminE themselves
I'm "a mighty creditable way. That
big one you see is siNty-siN billions
Of miles distant IL took thirty