Atlanta tri-weekly journal. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1920-19??, 1920-07-06
Prohibitionist Loses Cork
and Finds ''Wet" Goods on
Hip Are Wet Indeed Geo.
CreeI Gets Too Much Plat
form
By IRWIN s. COBB

BAN r HANC1oCO, Cdl', July o.
Friday the convention opened with
brass bands and progressed rapidly
to brass knucks. About the time
when one lifelong advocate of uni
versal disarmament from Kentucky,
in little informal discussion over
the peace plank, was getting a five
inch Spring-back dirk knife out of
his pocket, being actuated in the in
terest of harmony within the party
by an almost irresistible desire to
carve the palpitating giblets out of
a Pennsylvania Quaker who nervous
ly fumbled a loaded cane, a thing
happened outside the convention hall
which yet had a bearing upon what
went On within it.
At the very moment the honorary
pallbearers, headed by Chief Mourn
er Carter Glass, were bringing the
remains of the majority report OF
the committee on resolutions.
George Creel, softly gibbering in I'M
dertones, was being put to, bed in
his room at local hotel with ice on
his pulsing temples. They had to
fetch in a miniature of Josephus
Daniels and let him look at it be-
fore he became coherently calm. At
the hour of penning these words the
prospect ultimately of recovering
unless some thoughtless person
should carelessly mention the name
of Admiral Sims in his presence.
AS may be recalled Mr.. Creel was
formerly at the head of the bureau
war he occupied the top drawer of
the bureau, only resigning because
he got so far behind with his hating.
Privately Mr.. Creel is one of the
tinguished American literatusses.
But in his visible aspects as pub
licist. he is professional Halter.
He takes in hating for a living, do
ing hating with high gloss or with
the dull domestic finish as desired.
Massachusetts, but he also has quite
list NAMES vi Ills "''e
A Literary Job
Well, George, having caught up
with his spring and summer hating,
before the fall season opens, was
brought out here to impart a proper
artistic flavor to the platform. 1t
was his job to pass on the literary
merits of the various planks as offer
ed by Democracy's volunteer life
savers.
Serving in this capacity he read
ninety running miles of manuscripts,
he read dry planks which were wet
with the sweat of the brows of their
GoInPoSeiS anu ne Teau wet plankS
which belied themselves by being
most remarkable dry reading. He
read Irish planks by gentlemen who
so hate everything English that they
commit mayhem upon the popular
language of that name, every time
they take pen in hand. He read suf-
frage planks written by lady dele
gates in violet ink on cream laid
stationery and tied up in yellow rib
bons.
While reading the suffrage planks
Mr.. Crcel suffered from a severe
much sachet powder. He read a
plank rendered by an elder statesman
with white goatee hailing from a
section where the r is silent as in
Moth Ca'linah," which called upon
the convention to pay a tribute to our
heroic Confederate dead. He read
plank by patriot from northern
California putting the party on rec
ord as unqualifiedly denouncing the
hellish action of the census bureau
in giving Los Angeles a larger popu-
.lation than it gave San Francisco,
delegate from the southern end or
the state, prominent real estate
dealer in his own vicinity, heartily
indorsing the census bureau for so
doing.
Some Heavy Reading
Differing as they did in all other
respects both these planks came out
strongly on behalf of the California
climate. In all he read four thousand
and seventy-eight planks, he culled
and picked, discarded and chose,
adopted and adopted until reason tot
tered on her throne. He put split
infinitives in splints and reduced
parts of speech. He set gram
mar to music and he rescued syn
tax from the fate which threatened
her. He argued with determined
that from the position they had taken
on this or that issue they would not
abate one jot or little, but who were
finally willing to compromise by
throwing off several of the smaller
jots and few med1um-length TITLES.
Thanks be to strong constitution
and frame. strengthened by daily
health exercises, such as fifteen min
utes of steady hating upon arising
and twice week throwing the six
teen-pound shot at picture of Col
onel George w. Harvey, Mr.. Creel
had been out until an early hour this
morning when collapse came.
Lately, George, as we call him, has
been conducting a memory system
institute in New York. AS soon as
he is able to travel he is going back
home to take his own course back
WdFuS So as 10 lOIS6L ILLS WeSh VI
his life in San Francisco.
While applauding the Bryan or
bonehead or dry plank this morning,
a well-known leader of the prohibit
,tion forces of a certain eastern state
suffered a severe personal bereave-
ment. His heart was in the right
place, but his stopper played him
false, as in the excess of his fervor
he leaped up and down upon the
floor of the convention, a treacherous
cork was jostled out. The first in
timation to him of his great loss was
a damp feeling in the vicinity of his
flank pocket. Pausing, he twisted his
head about and glanced down, real
lied the worst and knew that if
rattlesnake or blue-gummed Re-
publican should happen to bite him
during the present trip he would be
doomed.
The best thing about this incident
is that it is not flight of fancy on
my part. It's a fact There are
thousands of us prohibitionists these
days who don't let our left hand know
and all we may be depended upon to
cheer the eighteenth amendment for
hours on a stretch.
l do not believe that ever before
in the history Of national conven-
lions were so many good looking
women assembled under one roof as
sat today in the big hall as specta-
tors. In the matter of producing fe-
male beauty, San Francisco is un-
doubtedly the Paducah (Ky.) of the
west.
Copyright, 1920, Bell Syndicate, 1nc.)