The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1920-09-17
Scintillating Sapps
BY GENE FOWLER

DyN6bIcT WcC6Co, AOACAoos ootA"h AS
search worker of the Limehouse Dis
trict, are being morsed over the cables.
The fact that they are being sent
collect leads certain rude pamph-
letters to revive a scandal that had
to do with Professor Weegee's fifth
and most successful marriage. 1t was
charged at the time that the versatile
seer paid the clergyman's lariat fee
with a counterfeit banknote.
If Professor Weegee's critics would
pause in their display Of buffoonery,
they might recall the words of the
sagacious psychic, who commented on
the accident as follows:
with the stars proclaiming that my
wife would prove false, 1t was up to me
to slip the parson some phony curren-
cy."
Professor Weegee's physician fears
that the boys are to be summoned soor
to make the celebrated palm review
er's bed with picks and shovels. An
earthen ostermoor with granite springs
will receive him in the sleep that
knows no income tax. Clad in. pa
jamas fashioned out of oak or birdseye
view maple, the honored sap will have
Joined the brains that passed out the
day Weegee entered this vale of near
beer.
Humanity hopes that Weegee will,
live until the November election to
make possible double funeral In
that event he could be planted with
the League of Nations amid the sol
emn pomp and splendor Of weeping
candidates, whose celluloid collars,
worn on asbestos necks, make fire
insurance safe for democracy.
Among the names emblazoned on
the pages of who's Cuckoo, 1872"
reader could find an account of the
life and deeds of Professor Weegee,
were it not for the carelessness Of
the editor who failed to include the
biographical sketch submitted for that
volume by friends of the seer.
With Sylvester's noble form
stretched under the trailing arbutus
and unwilling wistiria, society will
groan with poignant grief. Such a
blow will stagger the exclusive set of
Stewport But the lucky bridge
hounds are usually staggering, and
what is one stagger more or less
among friends? Professor Weegee
doomed to advantage when scrutinizing
the wine-stained lines of dowager's
lorgnette hook, his eyes glowing with
the omniscient lustre of prophetic
hokum and his ears straining for the
first joyous tinkle of the dinner bell.
When it came to slowing away early
editions of digestive news, Weegee's
circulation books were open to all
In the dinner table olympic she held
every record, from the sitting-stand-
ing-sitting omelette dive to the knife
vault with the au gratin potatoes.
1t is Sing Sing that will feel the loss
of the Professor most keenly. His
escape from the historic stir solved a
lot of commissary problems. for the
warden. 1t meant only one less mouth
to feed, but that selfsame mouth rep
resented an electoral vote of ninety.
six appetites. At Sing Sing, where the
members wear iron oxfords, Professor
Weegee reached the zenith of super
cosmic energy and also reached the
top of the wall on the riverside. Dur
ing this demonstration of occult power
a tower guard, endeavoring to frighten
the Professor, merely shot the seer.
Fortunately for the world of thought
the bullet struck Sylvester in the head.
This resulted in some talk Of bringing
charges against the Governor for per-
hitting such waste of ammunition
While the authorities were searching
high and low (not to mention jack and
game) for Weegee, the Professor stop
ped in his flight to speak to the Gnat
Tanners League of Ossining. Clear
ing his throat to give his bunions a
chance, he began:
81 can trace my ancestry back to
NOAH
"'Arki Ark" exclaimed the Cock
ney, uttering the old police cry of the
Rockaway Indians who thought Peter
Stuyvesant's wooden leg was a night
stick The Professor resented this in
trusion with haughteur. If he had re-
scented it with anything else, it woulu
have had no effect But when he re-
scented it with a hauteur-well, nobody
could stand for that!
81 refer to Noah Webster" continued
the great man. We should say ICON.
cluded" instead of continued" for he
was showered with the choicest arti-
cles of the fruit and berry season
AS depicted in the accompanying illus
tration something was dropped n his
foot. The artist has made a thrilling
mistake by showing a woman's foot
ins al of mans. Another slight
or i the part of the artist indicates
that a few drops are dropped on the
foot. Quite to the contrary, they were
slabs of concrete that struck the Pro.