The Coconino sun., 1920-09-10
THE BALD KNOB sQUEAKER

THE BALD KNOB SQUEAKER
 Published weakly whenever we feel
 like it.)
 The secret of Billy Switzer's un- earthly calmness was revealed, when the shelf, raiding an opium den on South Aspen boulevard, found the au- thor of Quiet Hours" and the "Use of Smiles in Making Drawn Butter" placidly jabbing his humorous with a hypo. "Tut, tut, Billy" said the kind- hearted sheriff, but Billy refused to desist. Or, to put it in his own words, "A motion having been made, and duly seconded, that our respected member, w. H. Switzer, should at his convenience tut tut and; Whereas, said Billy, after due and careful con sideration, decline to tut, tut now; Therefore, be it resolved that the ob- jectionable phrase, tut, tut, be recall ed, and an apology offered by the Tut Tutter to the Tut, Tut-tee, to the end that harmony may be restored" the motto of this joint being, "The Finest in Merchandise; the Best in Service" 1"
 Ex-Assistant Attorney General Geo. w. Harben, whose defense of "Jack the Ripper" and Jesse Pomeroy re- suited in the conviction of those worthies, has been engaged as counsel for this newspaper, in suits brought against it for defamation of character. Let joy among the prosecution be un- confined.
 Billy Sundays followers are grief stricken over the news that Joe F. Wilson will succeed the baseball evan gelist. Joe, however, is elated. "I'm glad to preach" he said. "lt's the first time ever did"
 Joe began life as a mere child. He first revealed his capabilities by litter ing his desk with correspondence and getting raise in salary on the ground of overwork. The letters were all old ones answered by his prede- cessor, which Joe dug out of the files and answered properly.
 Paul Coffin, chauffeur, operating without license, was arrested yester- day for blocking traffic. He attempt ed to drive his car, which has wheel base of forty feet and an overhang equal to his own, south on Aspen av- enue. The cop told him he couldn't go backward and sideways on one way street. Coffin angrily left his car, and, as no human being could possibly run it, it was removed to the Santa Fe repair shops at Winslow, where it will be broken up and the old iron used in making cowcatchers.
 Wm. s. Borum, known to the police as Gum Shoe Billy" has gone the old time crime artists one better. Borum has been calling on the candy and soda fountain trade. Working only after night-fall, he offered to confectioners a line of penny candies called "Bor- um's Chocolate Marshmallows." He allowed his victims to taste real sam ples, but invariably filled orders with fake candies having centers of wood pulp and covering of chocolate col ored rubber. In the prisoners pock- cts, when searched, were found num- Der of candy orders for eighteen cent goods which Borum had raised by changing the decimal to read $1.80.
 A dictaphone and conscientious sten- ographer in combination brought to a close the wicked career of George Verkamp, local cigar tester. Yer kamp, with a fatuousness his friends consider natural to him, dictated his love letters to a dictaphone, to be transcribed by his stenographer. Un- willing to be an accessory, the latter sent the records to Verkamp's wife, who, after buying dictaphone trans- hitter, invited her friends to sur- prise party in honor of her husband.
 The affair was huge success. Pri- vate detectives hiding back of the DOT tierres, to arrest Verkamp, swooned when they heard his depravity. In the confusion, Verkamp escaped. He has been decoyed, however, by a note from one of his immoratas, and will be arrested tonight.
 Peddling gold fish without license and failure to provide the creatures with drinking water, as required by the maritime regulations, led to the arrest of Will Marian here yesterday.
 Marian was fined only a few weeks ago for tickling Japanese waltzing mice to make them active enough to use in Tive" window displays. Ex- cept for these strange obsessions he is apparently normal.
 President Wilson has been publicly insulted by c. B. Wilson, one-time aide-de-camp of General Coxey, in an open letter to the press. The presi- dent offered Wilson, who is distant kinsman, as position as chief of the stenographic bureau connected with his note writing department. In re- ply, c. B. says that he is no relation to the president and demands, by way of damages for. defamation of char acter, place at higher salary un- der the civil service This request the president denies on the ground that Wilson is too uncivil to be connected