Evening star., 1920-11-28

ODY TULD HER TO SHUT UPp
get all them people out Of the way
but now the Doc has came acrost with
twenty rules on how to be a happy
marriage. and they are even tougher
than the cuckoo test. but it wouldn't
make no dinerents to me. as I have
all ready got the proposition mastered
without no doctors prescriptions: but
still and all this country is full of
young upstarts that may Of been Just
getting ready to assume the connu-
olal yokei. and all of sudden they
run acrost the Docs dope and say it
can't be done. and they decide to re-
main celebrates. and then what Is to
become OF them two grand American
institutions, the home and the rent
for same.
So in order to perpetrate same by
not allowing our young singletons to
discourage themselfs with the Docs
oope. l have wrote out a set Of ten
ones, witch means it won't only take
y as long to be happy marriage and
twice as easy.
The marital twain should ourbt IN
be opp. sex IL possible and some.
where's near the other ones age. For
INST when a man Of Is gets married TO
sal 10, why 1t may pan out all right
Tor the time being, but don't never
forget that when the groom is near
ing the century mark and wants to
know where they's a clean bath towel.
why ne can't find out without leave
ing Conan Doyle into the secret.
The ideal marred life is for the two
oefifgerents to live in the same town
SO as when they feel like a brawfx
they won't be no toll charges.
The bride should ought to have at
lease as much money as the groom
and q salary of her own SO as when
she feels like she has got to buyl
something she don't want she win
know that it's her money being
throwed away. All women hates to
feel like they was spongeing on of
their husband, but the most Of them
- such good actress that YOU
them.
II the union is crowned with a off,
spring, the offspring should be
crowned at intervals by the father.
Otherwise the mother should have ex-
elusive rights as caretaker. as even Il
baby don't like to change horses in
the middle of the night and vile the
old adage says that everybody ought
to have hrs. sleep why it amounts
to the same thing IL couple splits
10 hrs. between them, the husband
6CSeiAS Tic w wiHueIS snare OK ~ Der
cent and y the picture rights.
AS Doc Crane says. it amt right to
hnd fault with the other on no
tend like you are tickled to death
with everything she does. Like for
inst. If you are Y way home on the
train and she shreaks that she has
forgot her pocketbook, lean over and
give her good loud kiss.
Both partys should try and talk
about subjects that the other Is inter-
ested in it. They amt no husband
cares II the wash woman that is
church than the one that was here
last wk. and theys very few wives
cares the same amt. weather Demp-
sey is going to knock Geo. for
corps in Ludington or Ft. Worth. SO
the idear is that when supper is over
and the loveing pair sets down in
the liveing rm. to wait till it's polite
to go to bed. the husband should
ought to insist that they won't be no
conversation unlest its about the
ought to insist that they won't be no '
conversation unlest its about the loca-
tion of Geo's flop, and il the both of
them insists hard enough they won't
be no conversation at all witch boar
ders on'ths ideal.
In most familys its too cold to set
up late, but when the partys retires
the wife wants to go right to sleep
like horse or something vile the
husband wants to read. but the wife
can't sleep vile they's a light In the
rm. and the husband can't go to sleep
unlest he reads vile. This can be
overcame by unsellfish spirit on
both sides. Let the wife keep saying.
Il don't want you to not read on my
acct" and keep turning the light on
and the husband keep saying II don't
want you to not sleep on my acct. or
you will crab about it all day tomor-
row. and every time she turns the
light on he turns it off and in this
way it's morning before you know it,
and both sides a winner.
Married life is job just the same as
like a telegraph operator or a en-
balmer and every employ is entitled
to two wkS. vacation per annum and
if the husband takes two wks. vaca-
tion trip every summer and vice versa.
miss their regular job y as much
as if they was on it all the vile. For
inst. / knew a couple where the hus-
band use to go south for mo. every
winter and one time he didn't come
home at all and all of his relic,S
where as she didn't know he was
still missing till one night in August
when a bat got in the house and she
screamed and nobody told her to
shut up.
Doc Crane advises marred couples
to not both get mad at the same time.
the old spoil sport. That was the
trouble with Carpenter and Levinsky
over in Jersey was because Levinsky
didn't loose his temper though the
boys tell me he had even more reason
than the sap who paid SIS for ring
side seal
Finely, try and forget once In a vile
that you are marred and go out
together for a good time
Don't go to a dance or a card party
or good show or the opera, but
pick out something that the both Of
you can enjoy. like for inst a three
cushion billiard match or a cock fight
or to watch the high school football
FIVE practice. Remember always that
you swore at each other at the altar
that each was takeing the other from
bad to worse and may the best man n
win. RING w. LARDNER
Longs Island. Nov. 26.