The New York herald., 1920-01-11
EPISODE IL.
A Burlesque ON Automobile Service.

kING.-How is my car, Bourbon.
BOURBON.-On the Fritz, your Maj
esty.
KING (takes up phone and calls service
stationJ.-Give me Roquefort ought ought
ought ought
SERVICE MANAGER ALE tpicks up
phone, and takes seat at side of stagel.-
Roquefort service. Whaddia want?
KINq.-I want to send my car down and
have 1t looked over.
ALE.-Get it down by noon Saturday.
I'll drive it Saturday afternoon and Sum
day and tell you everything the matter
with it on Monday morning..
KING.--I was hoping to use 1t myself,
Sunday.
ALE.-Thats too much to hope.
KING.-Maybe you can tell me what's
wrong. The motor stays cool when l drive
against the breeze and gets hot when /
run with the breeze.
I ALE--Keep driving against the breeze.
KING.-Good idea, except the trade
winds blow six months in the same direc-
ton.
ALE.-Thats easy, make a years tour.
KING.-I want the top raised. There
isn't room for me when wear my crown.
ALE.-You mean your head hits the top
bows?
KING.-That's it, exactly.
ALE.-Well. wear cap.
KING.-The self-starter doesn't work.
ALE.--None of them do
kING.--My monthly bills tell me the
gasolene tank leaks
ALE.-Is the garage man or the chauf-
feur kicking?
KING-The motor is full Of carbon.
ALE.-You are in for Il scrape.
KING.-The carburetor needs adjusting
ALE.-It may not need Il but it's sure
to get it.
n
the fender?
ALE.-Provided we haven't a new fen
der in stock, il can be-yes
kING.-The body is full of squeaks
ALE.-Dont boast. Every car we ever
built has as many.
KING.-There's a leaf broken in the
rear spring.
ALE.-We'l attend to that detail.
KING.--The radiator leaks.
ALE.-Franl<ly l wouldn't have IL re-
paired--it will only leak again.
KING.-The gears have several broken
teeth.
ALaE.-Do you want them crowned. or
cut down to use o bridge?
KING.-The battery needs charging.
ALE.-All repairs are cash.
KING.-The clutch takes hold jerkily.
ALE.-We'n fix it so the clutch doesn't
take hold. DO you want the upholstery
cleaned.
KING.-It doesn't seem soiled to me-
ALE.-It will when our mechanics sit
in your car to eat their lunch.
KING.-There's a mystifying tap in the
valves.
ALE.-It's been diagnosed to be angina
pectoris.
KING.-A tire adjuster said the wheels
were out of alignment
ALE.-Youll say our bill is out OF
reason.
,rr,-- xt-,,au ho,,oht tbe car they
told me there were twenty thousand miles
of riding in the tires. | find they are all
shot to pieces after two weeks of riding.
ALEAYou misunderstood the salesman.
He didn't say twenty thousand miles OF
riding. He said twenty thousand miles in
writing.
KING.--How long would ii take you to
get me new battery?
ALE.-About five minutes IL we have
another customers car with one in.
KING.--Now to get back to that car
buretter. It eats up gas by the barrel.
ALE.-You have my sympathy
KING.-I don't want your sympathy
want to cut down on my fuel bills.
ALE.-For seventy -eight dollars we can
sell you n new electric gasofier- doing
away with carburetter and spark plugs.
KING.--Does IL save gas?
ALE.-Guaranteed to save forty per cent
KING.-what was that last2
ALE.-I said. save forty per cent on
your bill.
KING.--Coud I try one out7
ALE.-No. that's against the rules OF the
MAMA. This device has had a long trial
(away from 'phone) in the United States
Court.
K1NG.-I didn't get that
ALE.--I said, the United states govern
ment has tried 1t out.
KING.-When | bought this car, the
salesman told mo-
ALE.-O1angs up phone In disgust.
KING.-Operator, OPERATOR You cut me
off. / was talking to Roquefort Service.
say you DID cut me off. Telephone
service and automobile service are both
rotten (business). Stop that ringing in my
ear. Hello. hello. what tho hello -
Somebody cut us off.
ALE.--(Taking up phone and changing
voice to disguise spcakerl. Who is this on
the wire?
KrNG.-Colc. King Cole. Old King Cole.
ALE.-Do you own one OF our cars Mr.
King?
KING. G.-UnfortunateIy, do. was just
talking TO you about my car.
ALE.-Oh. 7 beg you pardon. You must
have been talking to our Mister Mcsween
He's Just stepped out. / there anything
can do for you?
KING.--That's what I'VE been trying to
find out for an hour.
Abll.-what seems to be the matter with
your car?
KING.--Everything
AbE.-Wc can certainly, take care OF
you. We give service. day and night.
KNIGHT send my car around today.
ALE.-Not today--three weeks from next
Tuesday. All streets lcatlin gto our service
station arc choked now
KfNG.--May not send Il around theng
ALE--Not until YOU have accepted our
estimate
KING.-How long viii II take you TO
give me some service on the estimate
ALE.-Inmediatciy. We have thom in
stock. I'm coming right over. (presents
King with lengthy estimate for 81, 1907
kfNG.--On receipt flies into rage, shrieks
Itobbersl Thievesl Hghwaymcnl
Entire company rushes on stage for
final chours led by King.
All sings to Smiles"
There arc cars We drive for Measure.
There are cars which give us pain
There are cars we buy 10 spite our
ncighbors.
There arc cars we try 10 sell in vain.
There arc cars all trimmed with gold
and silver
rsn~ 4, ....,.s -.o1. - l,,t~~