South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1920-05-02

Wnen 1 get old and rat and tire
some" ANNOUNCED the Bachelor, as
he successfully eluded the clutches
of a stout dowager. and escaped to
the secluded nook behind the potted
palms, where the Widow awaited
him, II am going to hire a profess
sional listener!"
'A-what?" she inquired.
Somebody to laugh at my jokes
and applaud my bon-mots, and lis
ten to my after-dinner stories and
servant troubles" explained the
Bachelor, with a shuddering glance
at the stout dowager.
What a wonderful ideal" ex-
claimed the Widow admiringly, and
! when l get old and stupid and home
". ann going TO hire profession
al flatterer," she added with sudden
What for?" demanded the Bach
elor.
ITO tell me how fascinating I am,
| and how young look, and how well
dance, and how becoming my hats
are. Mr.. Weatherby. You're a posi-
tive Seniusi I can't imagine why /
! never thought of that before!"
But why should you have to hire
Il
Bachelor CALAMITY, when there are
| hundreds of US eager and willing
Don't say another world" inter
rupted the Widow, you get the job
! But seriously" she went on, aren't
We foolish? We hire people TO ca
ter 10 our appetite, and TO give us
massage and medicine and keep our
digestions and our muscles in condi-
ton. to read to US and preach to US
and inspire our minds, to tailor us
and dress US and make US beautiful
and then we go around pathetical-
| ~ begging aims and gratuities,
when II comes to food for our souls
and our vanity and our ego! No
amount Of facial treatment will keep
| one young and happy. II ones self
| esteem Is withered and ones amour
propre has shriveled for want OF
| stfmulart and eXercise!"
, but why hire anybody" protest
| ed the Bachelor, why not Just
| marry-someb Ody ?"
The Widow shrugged the dazzling
| shoulders under her tiny jet shoul-
/ der starps, and shook her head en-
| phatically.
Too rislky!' she sighed. lone
J always marries in the fond hope OF
| hearing nothing but sweet flattery
1 lAT lllt resi- VI OlAE AAAN cAAA0 w
| often, ends by hearing nothing but
the bitter TRUTH
Yes" groaned the Bachelor,
! sometimes a girl can hardly wait
! for the wedding day, 10 tell a man
/ Just what she THINKS Of his manners
1 and his clothes and his annoying lit
tie habits. and the way he parts his
hair, or ties his cravats, or drops
| his 'g's"
And a man." rejoined the Widow
"can scarcely wait for the wedding
! day, TO begin reInodeling a girls
| complexion and reforming her taste
in hats. and improving her mind
| That's why the idea OF a profession
! al flatterer IS so intriguing! Even
| when husbands and wives are per
fectly willing togo on being nice
| and complimentary. they are SO
often mere amateurs-bunglers
They always tell you how good and
| noble and honest you are, just when
| YOU are yearning TO be told how
| fascinating and subtle and danger
/ Gus you are. Or they tell you that
/ they love YOU for your wholesome
sweet disposition, when you long 70
be loved for the dimple in your
! chin. and the way your hair curls
at the nape of your neck: or they
| harp on your efficiency and your
I mental attachments, when you wish
they would talk about your eyes"
| Exactly" agreed the Bachelor
"and after they have finished sing
| ING plaudits and paying tributes tc
| your character and your intellect
/ they do something TO show that they
secretly regard you as a sub-morOn
| 10 be coddled and petted and bam-
| boozled and guarded like a baby
/ There ought 10 be a prepare
tory school for husbands and wives
| declared the Widow. with a special
! course in fiattery. They could teach
| II with a chart, showing all the ten
| der spots IL q mans soul and z