South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1920-05-19

Automobile instruction books arc
Erievously inadequate. They deal
only with troubles connected with
the motor and chassis. These are
the smallest part OF the motorists
annoyances. His major troubles are
outside the car altogether. And un-
Jess he knows how TO ind and cor
rect these his life will be beset with
continual and increasing difficulties.
For the benefit of our brother mo-
florists We have made an exhaustive
s'-.,y OF the automobilist's real trou-
-, and we submit the simple rem
edies we have gathered. We hope
at some future time TO expand this
brief essay into a book which no
motorists can afford 10 do without.
We viii give our readers due no
tice OF the publication of this vol
ume In the meantime we shall con-
fine ourselves to the following:
Service Station Trouble.
Boy at counter refuses 10 func-
ton Manager missing altogether.
Operatives on floor remain station
airy. No response of any sort to
usual tests.
Remedy: Grasp counter boy
firmly by collar. lead him 70 shelf
10 part with right forefnger, pro-
nounce clearly its name, place it in
hand OF boy. Lead boy TO cashiers
desk. If cashier remains somnolent
take part from hand OF boy and tap
cashier smartly on temple with
same. If part is a casting this will
have desired effect.
Truck Driver Trouble.
Truck driver throws truck square
ly across road. At blast OF motorist
horn and inquiry as TO how long
truck will remain in said position
says. "Mebbe for years and mebbe
forever" and inquiries what the
h-n motorist is going to dc about
Remedy: Take crank from un-
der seat OF car or wherever kept.
Allay truck drivers suspicious b.
pretending TO crank car. When he
is lighting pipe or cigaret take care
ful aim and hurl crank. hitting him
squareiy on point of jaw. When he
topples from truck, climb on seat,
start truck and drive it into neigh
boring field. Then return to car
and drive on.
Wife Trouble.
This occurs in aggravated form
when driving with wife in car. Wife
frequently gasps as you round sharp
corner. and cries, Look OUT" when
YOU are passing other car. Also
asks If you have filled gasoline tank
before starting on long trip. which Is
very annoying when you haven't.
Remedy: At first observation
from wife concerning operation of
car, or character OF your driving
stop car quickly and gag kife with
large cloth which 1t IL well to pro-
vide in advance for this purpose.
If wife still makes herself heard
through gag, stop car again and re-
move her from seat to middle of
road. In some cases il is best 10
bind her firmly to fence post Then
resume journey II far from home
a taxi or express wagon can be sent
for wife later in day.
Policeman Trouble.
This exists in two forms. which
rye will designate by letters A and L.
A Bicycle policeman Overtakes
car and by motion OF hand makes it
clear that ne desires YOU TO stop.
Look sharply at hand. II il con-
tains ticket TO pOliceman's benefit
ball loosen and purchase as many
tickets as you expect to make trips
over that particular thorOughfare. If
81 contains bit of white paper resist
impulse 10 drive on which Will get
YOU nothing but trouble
Remedy: Slow down ear till po-
liceman is within easy reach. then
with sudden motion Of hand thrust
him from motorcycle. While he is
getting machine righted. round cor
ner and go by shortest route TO an
other state, where you should ac-
ouire new license and remain as a
permanent resident
r. Traffic policeman discovered
holding up hand 10 stop after YOU
have passed corner and car is pro-
truding toward middle of street said