Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1920-01-03
SATURDAY. JANUARY 8, 1920
THAT MASTER HUMORIST, MIR.
JAMES j. MONTAGUE

have just been all around town
insulting groccrs. l don't know why |
they should have been insultcd, but !
they were. l only asked each of them
for little sugar. They couldn't have
beon madden if I'd asked them to
como up TO the house and cook for !
me. | would hayo asked them that
il I'd thought Of 1t. While you're scat
,oring insults around you like sun
beams you might as we'll mako 'cm
good. But l never think of anything !
like that until it is too late.
There seems to hc shortage of
sugar. A week or two ago tho pros
pect of such a thing wouldn't have
worried me. l never suspected that
sugar was the staff Of life till l had
TO get along without it.
This shortage Of sugar appears to
have got on he nerves of the grocers.
G:occrs are funny. If you went to
an anhnal store and asked for an
alligator, the dealer, il he was just
out Of alligators would be apologize.
Hc would tell you that he'd JUS. sold
last Of thc autumn crop Of alligators
hut that the spring crop would be in
by Christmas and he'd be glad to
take your order for nice one, If
you'd tell him what kind Of furniture
you wanted it to match.
But the grocer us l said, is funny
When you ask him if he has any sug
a. he doesn't even say, No." he says
NAV" And nav is not at all DO.
lite.
went to ten grocery stores before
l got pleasant word. Tho tenth groc
or explained to me that he didn't
have any sugar, hadn't had any sug
NJ, and didn't oXpcc@ to have any su
gar. He said he had some nice hams
he would sell me at bargain prices,
but | think 1t would be difficult to
swcctcn coffee or make Il cako with
nico hams. although not being
housewife | have never tried it.
When l declined tho hams he talk
cd up some new rat traps and sold
me a couple oil hem. / doa't know
that he actually said 50. but he gave
ME tho impression that there is about
to be u shortage OF rat traps and
got mo so panicy that | bought Two
instead of one.
Tho eleventh grocer saw mo com
ing and stopped me in the door. you
want sugar, he snarlod.
Yes / said.
well go to your own grocer for
1t. You needn't come here trying to
stcal il from my customers"
| suppose l shouldd have hit him
But It isn't much fun to hit grocers,
especially big ones. so I went out.
a ci I
pleasant surprise.
We have no regular sugar said the
grocer, but I can sell you some color
ed sugar for icings.
did not know what icings were.
but as I have no color prejudices
asked him to let me SEQ 1t.
It came in little cartons like reg
ular sugar. He had three of them
left The sugar in ono was rcd in
the other green, and in the other blue.
He explained that the coloring was
vego' able and wouldn't harm q child
and that the sugar was nearly as
sweet as white sugar. So bought all
three packages and took them home
i'll triumph.
Next morning the coffee didn't look
just right. It was highly decorative
bu' one doesn't drink coffee to please
the eye.
On top it was y sort of warm p: nix
where the red in the sugar had blend
ed with tho cream. Stirred bit 1t
took on blush tint, like the old
fashioned telegraph batteries that
had blue vitrol in them A little more
stirring brought out strong underly
ing stratum Of green--not vegetable
green like spinach or lettuce. but
the green Of green paint.
tasted the coffee. but it didn't
seem like the same old coffee I tried
10 shut my eyes and drink it but
couldn't keep hem shut. kept
thinking Of the Kaleidoscope tints In
the beverage and every time | blanc
cd at it It had some new color combl
nation like a chamelcno.
I swallowed the coffee in a hurry
and took the next cup clear. But I
kept thinking about the dyes I had
swallowed and the frightful suspicion
burst on ME that they might be Ger
man dyes sold to the sugar mannfac
turcrs with horrible purpose.
For three hours I was uncomfort-,
able. but nothing happened so my
suspicious faded. But I took my cot :,
fee clear after that.