davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
New-York tribune., 1920-09-22
Thousands Flee
Gulf Ports as
Hur'ricaneNears

would result. The bulletin issued by
the Weather Bureau said:
Change to hurricane warning p.
m, Pensacola to New Orleans. Center
Of hurricane moving northward tow
ard coast. probably west of Mississippi
River. Winds will increase and change
to southeast and south by Wednesday
morning, reaching hurricane force high
tide. Emergency. Advise all inter
ests."
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08
Beatrice Fairfax
ON
Advice.

ON
Advice.
DEAR MISS FAIRFAX:

DEAR MISS FAIRFAX:
We are two young men. twenty-one ana t"eh-
ty-two. Neither Of us livcd in Washington. but
have been here doing war work for some time
One Of US met a young lady recently and in
troduced her to the other. 1t was serious
case Of love on both sides. and developments
show that she seems to care almost the same
for both of us. Now neither of US wishes
to try to swipe the girl from the other, and be-
ing very sincere friends, It makes matters all
the more difficult II there Is any way that
Won can help us come to a satisfactory agree
ment we will be greatly indebted to you
EVANSVILLE e. CONN.
You are distressing yourselves unnecessarily
Since the girl seems to have the same degree
Of affection for each Of you, neither OF you
could "swipe" her from the other. This could
only happen when she displays favoritism for
one against the other Until she does this, why
do YOU not both keep her as a friend?
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08
PRESENTS AND PRONUNCIATION.

DEAR MISS FAIRFAX:
viii you please publish = list OF things that
would be appropriate for a man to give TO his
fiancee for q Christmas present.
Also will you please give me tho correct pro-
nunciation Of "fiance." Have consulted two die
tionaries, but am still ia doubt.
BACHELOR-HELPLESS AND CAPTURED.
There arc 80 many many things you might
rive your fancee that think the easiest way
out Of your difficulty would be for you to ask
her what she would like to receive from you.
This Is one Of tho privileges OF being affianced.
And am sure she will appreciate the inquiry.
The word "fianco" is pronounced "fee-ahn-say,
with the accent the frst syllable In French,
from which II is derived. Common usage, how
over has corrupted IL to typical American
form. in which the accent Is on the second
SYLLABLE,
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08
PLAN A LITTLE

like certain young girl very much. but !
do not think that she cares very much for me-
although she seems to take an interest IN the
things l do. Everytne I see her ! like her
more and more but it discourages me when
] think of the many things that prevent US from
coming to an understanding. Only the other
day she told rue of boy whom she thought
she could learn TO like II she were introduced
to him. DO you think I should continuc
give up? HOPEFUL
II Is. only tho half-hoarted who give up. If
YOU want this girl badly enough you'll hang on
for dear life, and overcome every obstacle that
presents itself. Keep your mind active and do
a little planning.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08
Almanacs.

Aimanacs are by no means of recent inven-
ton; in fact. there is one In the British
museum at present which was issued during the
reign OF Ramsses the Great. and Is about 5000
years old. In those good old days almansos
were worth having. Instead OF merely telling
you that Monday was the LIST OF April, II went on
and said that on that day you mustn't start on
a Journey look Mt rat, go outdoors be-
fore daylight, as these things were unlucky.
This useful little anair, which is written on
papyrus. was prepared for period OF four
years, and contained the dates OF all the Egyp
tisn feasts. OF which there are considerable
number In each year.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08
ON REFORMING.

We have too many REFoRM move
msnts and not enough PEHFOKA
movements. OF course there must be
some reforming or the corset makers
would go to the wall Reforming, gem
orally, died out when Prohibition let In.
UPLIfT movements should be
changed to LIFT DOWN movsmsnts;
the II. c. OF l.. IL a good subject TO
start on Women arc ever sctivs In
uplift movements. IL you dou'S BE-
iisve II, start a mechanical mouse run
ming across tho Moor at the next meet
ing OF your wife's Sewing Circle Nice
are the original starters OF the Upiit
movement.
We hear SO much about eliminating
the vile and the base" ! Ask yoe.
what would an orchestra DO without
them? go
A reform movement to do away with
tobacco Is dangerous for anairs OF the
heart, because many confirmed smok-
er who now courts Lady NICOTINE.
and her alone. will look elsewhere for
diversion. eiLlCuS.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08
MIR. B. Baer
American Decorations

Woody has just grabbed the Nobel prize for
nimble efforts in trying to book the League of
Nations on tho big time
In view Of the present condition of the League,
this looks like post-humorous decoration.
Europe and America are exchanging decora
lions. Every American who goes to Europe
comes home with his chest looking like a Wool
worth window on Saturday afternoon. A deco
ration is something like wearing a turkey
feather in your buttonhole and is no indication
that you had Thanksgiving dinner.
In order that no distinguished foreigner may
go back empty chested. Congress is about to au-
thorixe the mlnting OF decorations for the ex-
port trade. A distinguished foreigner is any
body who goes so far from home that the neigh
bors can't follow to squeal on him
The Jitney Medallion. signifying a Chevalier
will be tho highest order that wo can confer.
With the possible exception Of an income tax.
The Crois dc Dime, for bravery in the Automat
will help to take distinguished foreigners atten-
ton away from our Old Home Brew Weeks in
the suburbs
The order of the Tip with twenty palms will
be staked to all visitors who think that linn
burger is compulsory with hotel meals. The
Insignia OF the Bar Check is beyond our power
to confer.
The Immortal Medal Of the Street Car Service
makes a neat but not gaudy decoration The dis
tinguished foreigner can take a straight Ten
cent badge or he can take an Eight-cent insignia
with a Transfer.
We can't dub 'em knights, but we can knight
'em dubs America Is a democracy, but any time
that an European king hopors one Of our citi-
gems get even with him by making the
king one OF our citizens and letting the tax sys-
tenn take its course.
One Of our most unsqught-after prizes is the
Decoration of the Traffic Cop with the Double
Subpoena. The Unholy writ OF the Sheriff is
also being distributed by the landlords on ten
ants who have earned tho honor.
Foreign diplomats on their way over will be
glad to know there are enough honors TO go
around.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08
The Russians Are Savers.

The average amount OF a foreign-born depos-
itor's account with the postal savings OF this
country is nearly twice that OF the American
born. Tho Russians far outstrip other foreign
born In deposits, over 20 per cent OF the whole
being TO their credit The Italians come next
with II per cent: the British with per cent.
the Austrians with 8 per cent, Hungsrisns with
4 per cent, Germans with por cent, SwedeH
with per cent and Greeks with 1 per cent.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08
Once-Overs.

Inc.
WINNING THE CONFIDENCE OF YOUR CHILDREN.
you winning your chdyour your
daughteor uncnng that
rather than love7
You know that sympathy
point Of vew and be effective in gaining their conf
,dence II rather than vinegar
Don't forget youth and youthful ideas
Of mistaken notions
there things had
the desires children criminal and
good healthy youth give them eeway watch
full tme be hand should they
Protect them from themselves but let them their wings
be little compromise both Sides and children
+, fair, II appeal 70 than honsst~.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08

/ wish didn't have to type
On this old machine all day.
I wish ] didn't have to work.
But stiil could draw my pay.
I'd like to have . great big car,
To motor all tho time.
And not be trying to write
II and 8 . crssy rime-
I'd like to have . data each night.
with big. good-looking men
I'd like all males to say OF me
Gee. but she's SOME wren"
I'd like - have one special man.
Who'd Ia. ybe play q hddle,
Who'd cheer me up when I am blue,
And love me MORGAN q little.
I'd like to have that bungalow
The agents rave about.
just he and I--oh. II would be
Heaven beyond a doubt.
p. Il.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08
NOT TOO OLD.
DEAR MISS FAIRFAX:

DEAR MISS FAIRFAX!
] have a boy friend with whom am Keeping
company who is five years my senior, and my par
ents think he Is too old for me- I love him and
he says he love me- but when am not near or
with him he raves to see me- Then sRain when
I am in his presence he does not regard me as
his sweetheart or even his friend Would IL be
best for me 10 keep him or give him Up.
ANXIOUS.
and has you guessing. or course II you love
him don't give him no IL you don't love him,
drop him quick.
u. is not too old for you In fact, just about
the right are
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08

AND ALWAYS then.
HE'D MOVE one leg.
AND COME up
= straight.
AND ALL the time.
THE LITTLE man.
WITH HIS face up
turned.
KEPT WELL in front.
OF THE big tall man.
AND NEVER CEASED.
IN HIS flow Of words.
AND ALL at once.
IT CAME to me.
THAT l recognized.
THE LINES he spoke.
AND THE swing Of
them.
BUT HIS voice was
strange.
AND HIS words were
slurred.
AND I wasn't sure.
TILL HE waved his
arms.
AND l heard him say.
YOU'RE A better
man than ] am.
"GUNGA DIN"
AND WITH that.
THE TALL man.
CRASHED TO the
pavement,
AND l went back.
bed.
| THANK you.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08
We T .!?,!'!,:l !! , &C., GOSSIP SIS.
BY X. C.. B.

WHERE THEY got it.
/ DON'T know.
FOR IT was 2 a. m.
AND FOR 8 hours.
I'D BEEN in bed.
AND I'D been asleep.
AND WHERE they
were.
WAS ON the corner.
BENEATH MY win
dow.
AND EXCEPT for
them.
THE NIGHT was
quiet.
AND NO one stirred.
AND ! looked down.
WHERE THE voice
came from.
AND A little man.
ABOUT 4 foot six.
WAS TELLING some
thing.
TO A big tall man.
ABOUT 6 foot four.
AND THE big tall
man.
WAS WAVING about.
LIKE a giant fir.
IN A northern gale.
AND AT intervals.
HE'D BEND so far.
1T SEEMED to me.
HE MUST surely fall.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08
Remarkable Memories.

Themistooles liz said to have known every citi-
zen In Athens. Otho, the Roman Emperor, owed
much ~ his success to remarkable memory
Macauisy had a marvellous gift for remembering
vhAk - had rsAd-
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08

Please. Bill, print the good
old column on two different
pages OF the paper SO that my
sister and myself won't have "a
scrap over II every evening.
BILLIE"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08
The Thumb and a Strong Will.

IL the top point OF your thumb Is long 1t shows
that you have good will power Well-developed
reasoning faculties arc possessed by those peo-
pie who have thumbs the second joints Of which
long,
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08
SHE sNUBBED THEM.

A girl on Ninth street passed two
fellows in front of q drug store. One
of them said to her:
Hello, cutie, where are you
going?"
Her answer was q toss of the head
and a contemptuous look at the pair.
"Oh, she's not one of them" the
other fellow said. "She's alright
That's what they all ought to do"
GREY EYES.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08
THE DYING HOBO.


A dead boy friend and myself made
up these lines some years ago, and j
believe tho fans OF dear old II and 5
will like to read them:
SOUTHERN r. R. zoo.
ny o ws,ssrn ss -.'sr tank on cold D.
In an empty boz car. q dying hobo lay;
His pal. he stood beside him. with o leo
and dropping heao,
Listening to the last words that the dying
hobo saidi
Tn going to q land old pal, where every
thing 10 bright.
where lunches grow on bushes, and vs
sleep outdoors all nlght
TIN going to q land, old pal, whore ycu
don't have to wear any socks,
And little streams OF whisksy come trick
Inns down the rocka
Tell my sweetheart back In Denvsy. Der
sweet face no more I'll view.
Tor ] have caught q fast freisht and I'm
-H.rlfTh..a her whistle. ! mu., catch
.r.re@si r ' par rns n mus, i..v. you. 1t
Amt 90 hard to del
The hobo stopped, his head fell back, he
had sung his last refrain.
His partner swiped his hat snd shoes and
and caught = wsstbouud train
sBUT YET"
I do not like hut yst"-it's
generally q bolt Of sometbia1
shot at semethinG. Q.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08
"He told her he had a mind TO
kias her"
"well7"
"shc had the face 10 let him.
II. N. II.
SUPERIORITY.

SUPERIORITY.
said the penny 70 the dollar'
II am nicer than you"
said the dollar to the penny,
please explain, now do,
Said the penny to the dollar.
Don't you know that every sunday
go 10 Sunday Sohoolf
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08

ANACOsT1A GIRLS ARE GREAT.
When you get through mentioning
the sood-looking girls through town.
just print the fact that Anacostia
girls have 'em all beaten to q frazzle
on physical and mental charms.
G. A. G.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08
MI POEM TOO q.

Hear u the wiring you siwss lett me wsre;
Hear 10 ure letter an thee lock Nv hare
You sent mo when you promlst too be troo.
Becux urs fal ! ssnnd um btek too n
D0ant rite an asst M vi bseux uno
Watt you have dun too me that sreevss
You road TO skool on willie pursons siedd;
HeArafter u will be as In ure ded.
Ann l will pass u bi with scorn an awl
Ny friends will neayer speke too u . tall.
SUNNI boise wood hate fore . hairless
nurt
But no. tho u have throne me in thee dart
I will mott halt y. 1 will let u be
sower ole made, an sum day when u sea
Ne soin bi u with Q henson wife
vi nash urs teAth In pane. an all urs life
Ulo sit an 81 becuz u throo me down,
An lie be rich an own most swi thee town
But when ure dyin In some ioanly pisis
lie cum an Drop = tere on ure ded fAiA
uve broak mi hart butt their are othsr
Eurls
With Just as lovely fsisss they are purls
Beside NV u. an dyin for a show
Too be mi Guri fore they have toiled me 20.
Butt an me are a an an II u KUN
On benndod nseze and offered me ure quinn
Too choo. ids waive "a skernfuliy ssid
An wood mott even kare how much u kride !
Take back ure letter an thee wiring wosr
RUSTY.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08
TRUE TO NATURE,

TRUE TO NATURE.
Visiting his painter friends studio.
John said: Jim. that's q mighty
One picture of a fried egg over there"
Fried eggs" said Jim. scorufully.
that Ia q sunset" II. SAGyV1I.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08

I came across these tongue wreck
ers in an old elocution book:
"Whelply Whewell White was .
whimsical. whining. whispering,
whiting whistler.
Round the rough and rugged
cocks the ragged rascals rudely ran"
ESPERANTO.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08

Here lies my hubby,
Make no rslstake.
put Mn there
with my onoetcdke.
FoRoET-ME-NoT.
The headlines of three advertising
cards On a Rock Creek bridge car
cad:
"The Heart Of a Man leads THRU"
such Wonderful Studs"
THE Flavor Lasts"
And on q Baltimore car:
For Swelling and Boils Omega
Nj"
"The Rest Of the Family"
Kept Clean with Gold Dust"
3. z. d.
.iNsEPARABLEs, NOMINATIONS.
BY J. and D.-RosE BRADLEY and
ARAB THAYER, OF b. H. s.
BY BARBARA C.-PAUL FOLEY
nd HAPPY" WALKER, B. H. s.:
lso MARGARET CLABAUGH and
ROSE MILLER. northeast
ripiets: CLIFFORD DYER, MEL
SON REEVE and GUsrAvE MAY.
II it wasn't for Mary merry
Christmas, Santa Claus wife, where
would the dresses and hats for the
dolls come from? INEZ 8.
LET'S HOPE sHEs WRONG.
II there are SO many men around
town willing to take girls out and
,ay the expenses without expecting
kisses in return. as h. NJ. O.'S. says, I
would like to know where they are
keeping themselves. ELIZABETH.
(This is q mighty serious charge
hat some girls make against WASH
ngton boys-thst IL they take girls
nut and spend money in entertaining
them they expect kisses in payment.
several girl writer's have declared
that they preferred to go out with
,ake-eaters, paying all expenses them
selves, and being under no obliga-
tions.)
It may be all right to have q
biting wit, but it should be sup
pressed when at the expense Of
friends. ]. B.
JOHN SANFORD claims to have the
most intelligent hivver in Washing
ton. 1t times its blow-outs to occur
near service stations and runs out OF
gas near gasoline stations. John put
a Times. with q "No-Accident Week"
story, on the seat OF the car and the
next morning Friend Henry refused to
bulge out Of the barn--evidently
anxious to make the streets safe.
Two can live cheaper than one"
This saying Sam Jonssy tried out;
But that three can iiye cheaper than two
''A' sILICUs.
1--WE want q man." said the man
axer, who must be able TO answer
ali sorts Of questions ana not lose
his head"
I'm the father of eight children"
Il. H. G.
In the name Of Pete, Bill, don I
mention northeast" when referring
to JOHNNY FERRIS Ice wagon, as
all of the real celebrities came from
southeast PEANUTS.
CHERRYDALE's SENSATION.
BIB PAYNE writes that Mt the
dance of tho r. II. +. Club. of Cherry
dale. Va. Thanksgiving night. tho
| special policeman and 6re marshal"
announced that no Baltimore hops or
shimmies would be permitted In the
hall. "That did not stop u.s." states
Payne, "and so, after witnessing the
| dances, he (tho policeman) announced
that they were disgraceful and got
out In the middle of the street and
gave an imitation Of what they were.
As he has not yet got EN- perfect We
| are thinking Of giving another dance,
so he can learn tho hop and shimmie
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08

Does that nifty little launch on the
Potomac, Mercury" run bi-chlo-
ride? E. G. D.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08
HEARl anSEEI3
By BILL PRICE.
THE TInsT KISS Best.

THE FI00r kIDo BEET.
The nrst kiss not the most inter
estinsr Why. man. II tastes like the
ambrosia OF cherry blossoms. The
prettiest girl In all the world told me
that q nrst kiss felt like q flock OF
Paradise birds and winged angels
scattering sweetmeats-
You kissed mel Ny soul
In . bliss 90 divine
Relied, swooned. like . drunken man
Foolish with wine.
And thought 'twere delicious
To die there, II death
Would but come while my lips
We're yet moist with your brsath-
PROV. or OsCULAOLOUr.
Mother-"willie. where did you get
those holes In your ciothesr"
Willie-"We were playing store,
and was the Swiss cheese"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08
CAKER MANUFACTURING AN EX,
CUSE TO SAVE THE PRICE OF
A CHRISTMAS PRESENT..

found a fly In . raisin cake ant
sent II to the bakery. Return mail
brought regrets and perfectly good
raisin. w. d. b.
There was once a man named Lynn,
who fooled with q keg Of gym,
He began to get jolly,
Fell under o trolley
BINGo.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08

Who remembers when q lady
could shoot her lover without
frst having written q diaryY
j. 8. II.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08

J. l. F.-This Is safety hrst week
Be careful when you go riding on
your bicycle.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08

We can't dub 'em knights, but we can knight
'em dubs America Is a democracy. but any time
that an European king honors one OF our citi'
zens we can get even with him by making the
king one OF our citizens and letting the tax sys-
tom take its course.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08

In the name Of Pete, Bill, don't
mention northeast" when referring
to JOHNNY FERRIS Ice wagon, as
all of the real celebrities came from
southeast. PEANUTS.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08

1--WE want q man." said the man
aver. "who must be able TO answer
ali sorts Of questions and not lose
his head"
That's me-" said the applicant.
'I'm the father of eight children"
T. H G..
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08
sBUT YET"

I do not like hut yst"-its
generally q bolt Of sometbing
shot at something. ..
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08

Woody has just grabbed the Nobel prize for
nimble efforts in trying to book the League of
Nations on tho big time.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08

f'Bide-aWee Home for friendless animals. They gave
performance Of Thy Name Is Woman for the benefit
of the animals on Sunday night Some wouldbe Sunday
reformers wanted to stop the show.
This represents two kinds of fooshness Foolish
ladiesthey ought to know that the best thing for
frendless animal is chloroform Friendess children
usefully employ all the money that philanthropy has to
spare.
The other fooshness is that of the Sunday reformers
The saloons that used to make Sunday vicious much
worse than Puritans that would make it repusve
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08

In view OF the present condition Of the League
this looks like a post-humorous decoration.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1920-12-08

One Of our most unsought-a after prizes Is tn
Decoration OF the Traffic Cop with the Doubl
Subpoena. The Unholy writ of the Sheriff
also being distributed by the landlords on ten
ants who have earned the honor.