Every evening, Wilmington daily commercial., 1920-04-02
WITS IN CONGRESS OF
OLD DAYS WERE CAUST|C
Men Who Used to Come to Wash
ington Seemed Scintillating
With Humor.
Prom The Phila. Public Ledger.

Prom The Phila. PUBIC Ledger.
NShakcspcare made his admirably wise
fool Touchstone divide the more or less
pleasant custom OF giving ones adversary
the lie into seven classes, ranging from the
re,ort courteous to the lie direct. The
field of politics, il would appear, is more
urolifc in famous instances of retort than
any other.
An illustration of the nimble and
raustic wit of Alexander III. Stephens of
Georgia in n House debate occurred on
the floor of that body in heated argu-
ment with Robert Toombs, also of
Georgia. stephens, although possessed of
one of the most powerful brains of his
time. was lame and wizcned of body.
Toombs was one of the largest men IN the
House and was of clustering splutterIng
type. He had argued with Stephens until
he was hoarse and became so exasperated
that he threatened 10 fight However,
consideration az the size of his opponent
deferred him and, turning he said:
81 wont fight YOU, but could swallow
vou whole.
Whcreupon Stephens quickly retorted:
eff YOU did YOU would have more brains
in your stomach than you ever had IN your
head
General Charles ri. Grosvenor, Repre-
tentative EfDin iIlts WIS Ait' Dfib VI ~
hundred wordy battles in the House of
Representatives He had luxurious snow
white beard and a caustic tongue. One
dav William ID. Nandivcr launched into a
furious attack upon "the gentleman from
Ohio" and Champ Clark, nearby, in
noosntlv inquired. (Which gentleman
from Ohio1" The Nlissourian shook his
finger at Gen. Grosvenor and replied: Il
mean the gentleman from Ohio who looks
like Santa Claus and talks like Satan"
Senator Ingalls, Of Kansas was attacking
Gems. Mcclellan and Hancock, who were
sftrrward Democratic candidates for the
Presidency. Senator Blackburn of Ken
tucky arose and interrupted:
"When Cen George Il. Mcclellan was
leading the armies of his country aud
when Gen Winfield Scott Hancock lay
wounded hy the enemy's bullets under the
flag Of his country. the Senator from
Kansas. in the capacity Of judge advocate
general was prosecuting nOncombatant
Javhawkcrs for robhng hen roosts.
In the old days Tom Marshall and one
Graves were rival candidates for Congress
in the blue grass region of Kentucky
Marshall was an aristocrat. Graves wa
the son of a cooper. and nc was always
making an appeal 10 the 'peepul' by
hoasting Of the humble occupation of his
father. Marshall found IL was hurting his
chances and he decided 10 stop II by the
countorchcck quarrelsomc In reply to
Graves nc said:
"My opponent boasts OF the humble
calling OF his father For aught know his |
father may have been good cooper, but |
IL is easy TO see that he put mighty poor |
head on this whisky barrel, clapping his |
hand on Graves head.
Tennessee had two great orators in the I
olden dayS-Andrew Johnson, a Demo
crat. once President o. the United States, /
and Gustavls A. Henry, Whig known rs
the Eagle Orator Of the South" They
ran against each other for the governor
ship, and when a long series Of joint de-
hates had reached its close, johnson adj
dressed the Wings in the audience.
81 have spoken with the boasted eagle
orator from the Mississippi river 10 the
Unaka mountains. and as vet | see no
flesh in his talons or any blood on his
bcak" Quick as flash, Henry was on his
feet saving
The American eagle is proud bird
and feeds not on carrion.
Champ Clark, in a speech on civil
service reform. told story Of a sharp re-
tort 10 an examination question pro-
pounded by the Civil Service Board. A
man was applying for a Job 70 run an
elevator He vas asked. How many
troops did England send 70 the colonies
during the Revolutionary War" His
reply was, "A d-n sight more than ever
went hack"
Lcmuel Eli QuiCg and James Hamilton
Lewis, two Of the most picturesque men
ever in Congress, were having a debate on
the subject Of trusts. Mr.. Quigg. who was
l. =. ! a
trusts. At the close Of one OF his fiery
periods. Mr. Lewis interjected with fine
intonation: For the OK knoweth his own
er and the ass his masters crib"
Ingalls, was always quick IN retort. al
though he was himself the subject Of some
sharp sallics. Once he was attacked by
Senator Eli salisbury Of Delaware, the
second smallest State IN the Union. He
disposed of the whole matter bysaying:
Il thank the Senator from that great
State which has three counties az low tide
and two counties at high tide for his ad-
vice
Thomas B. Reed was master OF all
degrees Of retort Once when jerry Simp-
son. the sockless statesman from Kansas.
made a speech claiming that the House had
by some action violated the Constitution.
the Speaker overruled him and was up
held by the House. Mr.. Simpson then
arose and solemnly inquired Of the chair:
Where am | att"
Whereupon Mr.. Reed scathinglv re-
Piled: "No mortal man could possibly
divine the answer 10 such a battling uues-
tIon
One Of Reeds most amusing thrusts
was delivered at William s. Holman. q
member from Indiana. II was. perhaps.
he keenest wIttlcism ever uttered in de-
pate on the floor Of the House.
Holman was a constant objector TO the
expenditure Of money by Congress, and
lad honestly earned the title Of Watch
iog Of the Treasury. One day, when the
committee was perfunctorily putting
through number of bills for the erection
u government buildings, In various cities,
Holman was constantly on his feet, OBJ