The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1920-11-17
ON SECOND THOUGHT
BY JAY e. HOUSE.
(Fron Philadelphia Public Ledgsr.l
Thoughts ON 0oIumning.

4AouSnts on OOluE1i41lg.
Get ri1 of ON Second Thought :"
writes a valued reader of this news
paper The column is an insult to
the intelligence of your readers. The
fellow writes like ADDISON and Steele.
but he, doesn't know who they were"
What we wish to know-the thing
that. as it were. intrigues us-is
whether the communication of the
valued reader is a knock or a boost.
We are not very familiar with Steele.
but We find Addison rather duh read
ing.
We weave another breadth of
physiological tapestry from the
strands OF thought left over from the
two preceding paragraphs Why do
those who object te the column al
ways say it is an insult to the intelli-
gence? It is the favorite form of re-
buke for those who protest. A
eolumnist doesn't care whose intelli-
gence he insults. The fear that most
frequently assails him in the dark
watches of the night is that the people
will quite reading his stuff.
The fact is, insulting the intelligence
is not an offense in this country. We
know q number of men who got rich
doing it,. And, as a rule, the more
unspeakahle the Insult the more
money they have. But to return to
the column and the hound who writes
it. We once perpetrated certain
thoughts in connection with the job.
We reproduce them here for the rea-
son that We are today seized of an at
tack OF the ailrnent which we shall
presently describe as contraction of
the bean"
Writing column is a fine job. 1t
is composed in about equal parts of
labor, work and worry. A column
hound tolls and slaves to get out his
column and then worries his head off
for fear he will go stale and lose his
job. All that is expected of a column
hound is that he be amusing or clever
in twenty-five OF thirty different ways
every day. A vaudeville perform er
can go out with one act and get it
booked for forty weeks solid. The fol-
flowing season he can go over the same
circuit with the same act. The people
| forget what he said last year and
laugh their heads off at his stuff. So
long as he busts somebody over the
head or sticks his finger in Somebody
eye the audience will howl with
laughter. It doesn't make any differ
ence how many times 1t has seen him
do it. Busting somebody over the
head is daughters chief accessory be-
| fore the fact
A column hound must have a new
act every day. If he busts anybody
over the head or jabs his finger in
somebody's. eye he gets his paper into
trouble. Nest anything is funny on
the stage Very few things are funny
in print. Cold print reveals a man at
about life size. If you don't believe 1t
go out and listen to a speech by your
! favorite rabble-reuser and then try to
| read 1t in cold print. One trouble with
column hound is that when the stuff
doesn't flow freely he becomes desper-
ate and tries to force it. The saddest
thing revealed by the printed page is
the forced witticism or the forced
wallop.
Nearly every column hound suffers
periodic attacks of a disease soien-
tffieally known as contraction OF the
"bsan." During these attacks the
bean" dwindles to the size of half
grown walnut, Its formation takes on
the quality of granite and becomes i'm
pregnable to suggestion or idea. To
a joprneyman column hound these at
tacks come two or three times year.
They run their course in from three
days to three weeks. The period is
one of acute suffering. the suffering
being divided into two parts. The first
spasm comes during his working
hours, when his attempts to project
quip and whimwham promote the
keenest physical discomfort. The seq
end spasm comes in the night and
Keeps him awake for hours. the while
he bushes in shame and humiliatio ion
for the stuff he porpetrated during the
day. We have been a column hound
for something more than nineteen
years. We estimate that during that
period we have annually perspired a
hundred barrels of blood, such pcrspir-
alton being inspired by a keen sense
of cur own futility.
For one of the magazines we wrote.
not long ago. an exposition of the
inside work of columning, of which
the succeeding observations were a
part. For more than thirty years We
have been taking pot-shets at hu-
mainly from the friendly cover of a
newspaper office. One thing in par
tieular has Impressed itself upon US.
1t is that, while the public likes the
physiological or conversational man
ner, it loves the man who vallops it.
1t merely is a question of understand
ing the psychology of the crowd. The