The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1920-01-11


man who is still more or less at
tached to a fur-bearing family will
secretly save up for weeks ahead in
order to get the necessary capital to
indulge in almost any form of gas
tronomy not boiled on a common or
domestic gas stove, which in any
way deserves the name of ssustenancel
When the guests of the evening have
| all been corralled, the doors have been
closed and there is no hope left, the
chairman rises solemnly and portent-
ouslv from one end of the table and.
towering over his victims like an
avenging spirit says Cor would say, if
he told the TRUTH:
Gentlemen, now I've got you where
i want you. There is no escape. If
anyone among you should attempt to
sneak out before the third speaker
completes the deadly work begun by
the other two, he would be justly con-
demned by public opinion. Here you
are in my fatal power and between my
light airy persiflage and the all
ready-towear platitudes of the others
I'm going to give you what you de-
serve by coming here"
The table is usually arranged in the
form of T or an N and the speakers
of the evening sit along the top panel
looking as gay and merry as If they
were the inmates of Siberian jail.
Every once In while one Of them
1t appear to the victims who are scat
tered around the table that he, alone
of all men, is careless and indiffer-
ent of what happens to him. The poor
devil who sits on the end and who
knows in some occult manner that he
will be called on last, vies with his
fellows in seeming mirth and swal-
lows each nfouthful with desperate
courage, knowing that for him the
zero hour will be not less mitigated
because it is delayed. A horrible pre-
sentiment that the other speakers will
each talk SO much longer than the
chairman intends to have them and
that by the time he puts in the finish
ing touches about one-half of the vic
Tins will steal away--comes over him,
ever and anon. But he struggles on
to the bitter end and when the chair
man rises at last, he settles back in
his seat and tries to look like an ora
torica1 masterpiece.
On the other hand, the man who
knows he's coming first is fairly calm.
f1e is ready to believe that what he is
going to say will be swallowed UP in
the utterances of those who follow
him.
The coffee and cigars having been
brought in, and the walters having
vanished into the glad free world out
side. the chairman, as already limited,
begins to explain the object of the
speaker. A fierce struggle has been
going on in the Appoilo-like breast of
the said chairman. Hit does not want
the said chairman. He does not want
with us tonight" Neither will he per-
NIT himself to declare, amid the low
muttered curses of his audience: Gen
tlemen, the first speaker on our list
needs no Introduction Also, he will
not permit himself to refer to the fact
that now that prohibition has made
everything dry. the wit of the eve-
ming will partake of this same quality.
But the chairman has resurrected a
story from his back files. and it's abb
solutely essential to his peace of mind
that he be relieved OF it. And so, after
stating the object of the meeting, he
says. Gentlemen this recalls the me-
gro gentleman who"
About 2.75 per cent of the audience
have not heard this ancient wheeze.
Some Of these burst into loud and up
roarious laughter, which trails itself
off into the mild and cynical smiles of
those sophisticated gentlemen who
have come by experience to believe in
Mark Twain's observation that there
are only 20 original Jokes.
The speaker of sthe evening comes
about third on the list 1t matters not
what he says. He is q celebrity The
committee in charge Of the proceed
ings have worked weeks ahead to en-
is no orator. 80 much the better. 1t is
enough to gaze upon his manly form.
to listen to his embarrassed remarks.
Afterward any member. who has been
there, can remark caAually, by the
way. dined the other evening with
Sir Pynkton-Pynkton of Pynkton- on
Tyne Delightful man-quite my kind
of an all-round fellow"
Sometimes the speaker Of the evening
Is professional humorist. who has been
inveigled into spending good time on what
might otherwise be employed in writing
jokes to support his numerous progeny
This gentleman has twin advantage
over all other speakers. for not only can
he talk about himself with impunitv. but
his reputation enables him to tell the
lmost solemn things to roars Of laughter.
Indeed his true cut lies not in. any at
tempt to be funny. He has only to OBJ
serve that at looks like rain tomorrow
land this will be Interpreted as subtle
DEMONSTRATION Of the future Of the ma
ltional wine cellar. He has only to re-
Imarls. a. am not feeling well this eve
hing This bald statement being re-
Ition comes and he hastens to add: '"Thc
treason for this is that. as look upon
your almost human faces, can see that
II am the only one who has not stopped
somewhere on his way to this oasis Of
brains. I once belonged to the army,
I6ut 8Ifno0&n cannot Dc Sui IN pubic,
II am no private still."
So you see how easy it Is. After It Is
la1l over, one Of the guests remarks to
1.-THE other, HE was great. wasn't hep
VERY funny replies the other 'onIy
Ito save me / can't remember thing he
|said.' In this respect, however. the pro-
Ifessional humor'st is no worse off than
1.-The solemn orator. For few there be 40
remember what the solemn orator has
Isaid.
AS for this rule Of talking about your
Ise1f, however, even the solemn orator is
looming to IT. Itshas been discovered to he
Igood business. One of he most promi-
.nent lecture hnreau plutocrats in this
.country has recently advised his lee
Iturers TO this effect.
"American audiences he declared. "do
mot want long-winded opinions even frov1
celebrities abon- how they thinkthe world
fought to be revised. On the contrary,
they are intensely interested in the celeb
|rity hir1sslf-how he feels and lives. wha.
Ihe does in his daily life. Especialiy IS
this true Of gentlemen from abroad.
| II you are solemn orator. therefore,
do not think it immodest to begin. in this
fIwfse:
Ladies' and gentlemen Here I am.
iTake good look at me. I assure vol
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