The Washington herald., 1919-03-12
BY ROBERT wELLEs RITCHIE,
Universal Service stafY Corre-
spondcnt.


spondent.
London, March s.--Art of acquir-
ing a meal In London. what with
an estimated surplus population of
more than 10000 mouths, war re-
strictions on food still largely en-
forced, and the kind accommodate
ing walters just adjusting them
selves to a strike they have lost.
ranks well up with playing the
oboe. selling bonds in Wall Street.
or any other difficult accomplish
ment of polished and refined char
acters Once the meal is obtained,
eating with relish IS, for the Amer
lean atNleast. an acquired science,
which is gained only after long
residence.
which is meant in no disparage-
ment of the British cousin: like
the brave fireman, "he's doing the
best he can" But for him the
boiled apple pudding of ancient
and well-merited fame Is a sweet"
and an atrocity which barely es-
capped mention in the Bryce report
on Belgium.
Americans Dream Meals.
Therefore, the British cousin
cracks Jokes about how terrible Is
the American bacon he has been
getting and the American cousin
sits in dark corner of the smoke
room at the Savoy and holds imag-
mary conversations with a waiter
back on Broadway about "a nice
thick steak, George. Just scared on
both sides. with a lump of buttor
about as big as an egg on top OF
the baked spud. and chase a quar-
ter section OF apple pie with-cofree
and cream after the regular pro-
cession has marched past"
These bleak Americans who have
reached the talking ng-to-themselves
stage are the hopeless cases who
ought to be sent back home on the
first hospital ship. They never
will be themselves again until they
have been allowed to have cream
real cream-on their breakfast
picture puzzle oats and q fleet OF
hot waffles sailing in a sweet sea
OF maple syrup. a few more KIP
pers" for breakfast will be fatal
to these birds.
Forth Steps the 'Kipper."
A 'klpper' ushers in the gladstone
new day in London for everybody
banker, chimney sweep and plain
American exile. To describe a kip
per" Is as hopeless as to attempt
a description OF the Grand Canyon.
II was once fish; that much Is GER
tain. and beyond peradventure OF
doubt. But IL was an unfortunate
fish and spent too long a time IN
I,ondorf during the winter season,
thereby acquiring a general smoked
characteristic and little habits OF its
own which set II apart from all other
fish usually considered At for hu-
man consumption.
The ''kipper' is eaten with FORK
EXCEPT at my hotel where, there be-
ing a large clientele OF military men
who are born souvenir collectors. sill
yer is slack. There the ''kipper IS
eaten right of the cob, you might
say. With It goes a very small por-
ton of orange marmalade served In
a butter dish. Not that orange mar
malade necessarily is the gustatory
partner of the kippered kewpie; but
orange marmalade is what one has.
II the marmaIade has a curious
tinny taste like the queen Char
lotte" you used to drink before the
ring-the-cane rack at the Cana al
qua County Fair. that's not the
original sin OF the original oranges
It's saccharine-
Now for the Sacehnrine.
And speaking OF saccharine.
In France II comes in liquid form.
sarved in a bottle with a squirter
attached on top like a BARRIERS tonic
container. In England It's a tablet
a small and deadly tablet reminis-
cent OF the pellets mother used to
dissolve in hot water to kill those
things" with. When you order "one
large white" which is interpreted
coffee with diluted condensed milk
served in a large cup-the walter
leaves by your place a butter plate
This little plate appears entirely IN
nocent until close inspection reveals
one of these tiny hiGh-power BOMBS
OF sweetness-Jo0 times sweeter than
sugar-reposing in its midst
The hardened poison hound drops
this pill in his coffee or tea and idly
watches the angry bubbles that boil
inward. Perhaps, early in the war
the saccharine fiend had certain tre-
mors before his FIRST sip, visions OF
slow death by cancer or bone SPAWN
fitted across his mind. Today he is
proof against all lethal draughts.
There's another condensed version