davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
New-York tribune., 1919-03-23
under the Spreading
Chestnut Tree

nEvERYBoDYS" picks up these
IL morses under its spreading
Chestnut Tree:
Jimmy had habit Of stretching his
Imagination to great lengths when telling
anything and after his mother had rebuked
aim several times he began to watch her
for signs of anger when he had something
70 tell. One evening a visitor from the
city came, and during the evenings CON
yersation inquired of Jimmy:
And have you dog, my little man?
"0h, yes. | gotta dog" replied Jimmy
u gotta big dog. ! guess | got about the
biggest dog in this town
well. that's good" said the visitor. az
like big dogs"
Jimmy answered.: "Well, ! guess mines
big enough. He's nine feet tall-and-and
he's six feet wide and-and Just then
Jimmy caught his mothers eye and and
he's four inches long
First Professor--T am a bit puzzled.
When did the Peloponnesian War begin?
Second Professor--431 b. c.
First Professor-.Qute right, quite right
That Is the number Of my physicians tele-
phone, and was to call him and tell him
ny wife is sick.
An agent approaching house met little
boy at the gate and asked; as your mother
home? ?n
Yes, SIR said the boy, politely.
The agent walked across the long lawn,
and, after rapping several times without re-
eelying an answer, returned to the boy, say
Ing: Il thought you said your mother was
at home"
Yes, sir, she is," replied the boy.
But l have raped several times without
receiving an answer"
That may be, sir" said the boy. ~ don't
live there"
poor but thrifty Scots woman had been
Promised gift of new bonnet by a
seaithy sumner resident.
one morning. as the woman was about to
no'or to the city for some shopping, she
stepped at the home of the Scots woman
sna asked: Would you rather have felt
VI straw hat, Mrs. MacVean7"
"eel,' yaid Mrs. Macvean, IT think mi
TAX straw one, If you please, ma'am. It'll
maybe make good mouthfui to the COW
Nnen I'm done VII TT"
New-York tribune., 1919-03-23
Fun in Small Doses

LlVNTHO is your favorite composer? ~
w Wagner" replied Mr.. Cumrox.
lyon must be q student Of music NO
I mention Wagner for the sake of reliev.
ing mvself of conversational strain. If the
other man doesn't like Wagner he dom
want to hear me say another word" "And
If he does?" He'll wan, to do all the talk
ing himself"-fd-Bi
The lawyer was sitting at his desk, alb.
sorbed In the preparation Of brief. So
intent was he on his work that he did not
hear the door as 1t was pushed gently
open, nor see the curly head that was
thrust into his Office. A little sob attract
ed his notice, and, turning, he saw q face
that was streaked with tears and told
plainly that feelings had been hurt. "Wel,
my little man, did you want to sec me-"
"Are you lawyer" "Yes. What do you
want?" 81 want"-and there was a reso-
lutte ring in his voice-"I want divorce
from my papa and mamma. .'-Reedy's Mirror.
"Is your place within walking distance
of the cars?"
~ dunno answered Farmer Corntassel
How far kin you walk ?"-W Washington Star.
Stage Manager-Our scene shifter wants
a holiday. He says he hasn't been away
for five years. Proprietor-Weli, tell him
he cant have one. He gets change Of
scenery enough for anybody. - New York
Globe
Did some chase you" asked Will
lies mother You're all out of breath
'No-I'm not-ma," gasped the boy. "Ive
got-twice as much-bref as ! can brcave
that's all."-Boston Transcript
New-York tribune., 1919-03-23
Second Act: Remorse

Scene: A deserted q1arter Of the city. 1t
is long past midnight
THE ERRATIC HUSBAND (enters reelng),
I have just thrown few pieces Of my
poor wife into the river. To keep up my
courage | have already consumed great
deal of alcohol. think shall go into this
cafe to drink-drink more and still more.
He reels into the cafe; two minutes later
he comes out, staggering more than ever)
Now I shall throw the remaining pieces OF
my poor wife into this manhoe AT last
my gruesome job is finished. must hasten
to my new apartment. | already feel re-
morse invading my soul and congealing my
heart--however, / suppose that is usual
under the circumstances. (He exits, still
holding the other newspaper PACKAGE
New-York tribune., 1919-03-23
1t r ca ly
Doesn't
Matter

7 ~ ONLY consumer and it really
doesn't matter
How they crowd nc ia the street cars
till / couldn't iell be fatter.
I'm e7tiy consumer aud the strikers
may 90 striking,
For It's mine to end Diy living II IL tsn't
to my liking.
I am ouiv consumer and huvo no
special mission
Erccpt to pay the damages. Mtte is
queer position;
The Fates unite TO squeeze mo till 4
couldn't icoU be fatter,
But I'm only consumer, so il really
doesn't matter.
The baker Tits the price Of bread upon
the udguest rautor
Of damage to the aoheot crop, but I'm
only cohsnmor.
So Il really doesn't matter, for thers's no
ta,g that compels me
To pay the added charges on The loaf Of
bread he selis me.
The icetian ioaree smaller piece whcm
days are 0roioitg hotter,
BIT I'm only consumer aud | do not
need iceWater.
Mn business Is TO drato the checks and
keep IN good hunaor,
And il really doesn't matter, for I'm
only a consumer!
The miIkman iOaters milk for me, there's
garlic IN mg butter,
good to mmtter.
knoU that coal is going up and beef IS
getting higher,
But I'm only consumer and hare no
need of fire,
And beefstedk is O luxury that o7tty
aceatth is needing;
I'm. only q consumer and hare no need
Of feeding.
My business is to pay the bills and Keep
IN good hunsor,
For | haze no other mission since Pm
only q consumer.
The grocer sells me added eggs, the
tailor sells me shoddg,
But I'm only q consumer, and am not
anybody.
The cobbIer pegs me paper sotes, the
dairymon shortsoeights me,
I'm o7lIy consumer and most everybody
hates me.
There's tstr'aip IN my pumpkin pic aud
ashes in my pepper,
/ The eoorlds my lazoretto and I'm 10th
ing bat q teper.
SO Iay me IN nay lonely grace and tre0
the earth doaO,i fatter--
I'm only a consumer and it really doesm'
matter.
James W. Foley, from Friendly
Rhymes E. P. Dutton; reprintet
here from The Outlook.
New-York tribune., 1919-03-23
Better Not Start
Talking About
Interest

DELIGHTFUL little fireside tragi-
~ comedy is sketched by D. F. Dix, in
"The INDEPENDENT:
"Of course $500 is lot of money for
fur coat but I'd love to have the coat and
we can spare the $500, so why not get it,"
urged Mrs. Quibble.
Mr.. Quibble nervously htched in his
chair, did little figuring on the margin of
his newspaper and replied well, that coat,
as I figure it, would cost you 1925"
"Why, the idea" cried his spouse, in
dignantly, "the price is $500 | know you
are some little fgurer but how can you
figure $500 into s525. for goodness sake ?"
Easy" said Mr.. Quibble. THE loss of
interest on $500 at per. cent, which Is
good general, long distance rate TO go by, is
sis a year. You spend $500 for the coat
and lose s15 year interest. In other
words, you rent the coat for SIS a year
That is over S2 month winter and sum-
mer And what is more it's renting it for
ever Or let ,us, to be onservative, call
it renting it for your lifetime. You are
forty years old and your expectation Of
life, according to life insurance tables, is
thirty-hve years. That is statistics go on
the assumption that you will live thirty-fve
years more. So | reckoned ut simple in
torest because, If you invested that $780, in
stcad Of spending it, you would enjoy an
income Of Si5 to spend every year as long
as you lived. And SIS year for thirty-five
years means $525. So you arc out s525 If
you buy that coat"
"Why, what horrld way OF uniting IT,
New-York tribune., 1919-03-23

II, good morning, Mrs Jones
kA "a Welcome to the lnaninch
Apartments You say you
4 found the elevator quite
.r.maed and had to run II yourself. Why,
-. droll, You took the dumbwaitcr. But
s,,,s how economical of space and how
.a,,oaet all the arrangements are. True,
~. uust pass through the bathroom to
ssast the parlor, but then the architect WAS
,,n,ed And, like kiping and his fun,
.s..,s taken our baths where we found
them.
a,ys4 step In here, Mrs. Jones. This is
INA bntlers pantry also his bedroom. You
s,st opcn this cloeet door. and out folds
:. Acd That lump in the middle Of the bed
M That's the butler Mondays, Thursdays
IA SUNDAYS are his mornings for sleeping
late.
nYss. this Is the kitchen. Il Is rather
.mal and not as we'll ventilated as it might
h. But there are never any accidents, IL
,bs cook will only remember to put on her
sss mask when preparing cabbage or serv-
Inc cheese soufft True, dinner Is some.
finrs iHlFt \ Ht sFNh ss'f toNtt ftlh'thbtt
ehsther to ring twice for the led box and
thres times for the stove or just the OPP
pos.e,
eYou must come and see us some time.
Hrs, Jones This dining room Ia also the
susse room It's an idea of my husband.
Who says guest never uses his room
during ea-hours, anyway. The bed is in
tho sideboard. Ny niece was visiting us
ens time, and woke quite embarrassed one
morning 70 find the butler reaching across
her for the grape fruit spoons. Being
tsctful person, he at once set her at ease
81 serving her breakfast In bed.
AsDo we keep any pets? Well, of course,
hcte's the cook but we have no animals
You see when we first moved in here and
considered it, my husband looked around
and put his foot down--in the first avail
able space My dear he said, 'it's either
q goldfish bowl or bathtub. Choose!'
$50 glad you called, Mrs. Jones. The
stairway is to your right. That's the mail
chute to your left Goodby"
s-s Fairfax D. Downey, in life.
New-York tribune., 1919-03-23

with fragments Of II looking glass made
OF imitation oak.
New-York tribune., 1919-03-23

HERE is secret No wife is ever
M quite perfect She simply can't be
all things to any one man, poor dear
She must inevitably possess the defects
that are inseparable from her virtues If
your wife is beautiful, for instance, she
can't be intellectual. If she is athletic,
she can't be tender If she is from the
chorus, she can't be grammatical. If she
is artistic, she can't be tidy. If she is
rich, she can't be easily ordered about
If she is fashionable, she won't be do
mestic If she is rare and radiant to the
eye. then she will have a horde OF ar
dent admirers Yes, men are very un-
reasonable about their wives They new
er expect dish at a dinner-party to
partake of the qualities of all the other
dishes, and yet they expect thirty entire
ly different flavors in one little wife It's
ridiculous, that's what it is, ridiculous.
New-York tribune., 1919-03-23
Mrs. Jones
Visits the
Inaninch

II. good morning, Mrs. Jones!
(A "a Welcome to the lnaninch
n Apartments! You say you
4 found the elevator quite
New-York tribune., 1919-03-23

And then there are the artistic wives
the ones who paint fruit, dead FISH. and
new tangled. right angled oublss ladies
-undressed, OF course The tragedy
with them is that the better they paint
the less they wash. and the more they
are welded to art the more they be
come divorced from nsirdressing the
home. and the care of the LITTLE ones
New-York tribune., 1919-03-23

the one containing the mirror in his left
and, with the icebox in the pocket of his
overcoat, he leaves the apartment
New-York tribune., 1919-03-23
Little Tragedies of Married Life

From Vanity Fair
Published BY pernsission Of Cant aud Ftammarion.
FdrS3.
First Act: A Tragic Moving Day
Scene: The Apartment of the E,7utic
Husband and his Embittered Wife.
THE ERRATIC HUSBAND.
"HAT was "A great idea just had
to cut all our furniture up into lit
IA tie pieces, like picture puzzle. 1t
enables us discreetly TO remove all
our beongings-now that our lease has ex-
rired. n few trips, this morning, trans
ported nearly all our furniture into the
new apartment which we are going TO oc-
cupy.
THE EMB1TTERED WIFE
Did not tho janitor notice anything
THE EgRATlC HUSBAND
Not thing. You know that tho pieces OF
furniture are not any larger than humps Of
sugar 1t is quite easy to hide them in one's
pockets. The jenitef saw me so cut Little
did he think that the pockets Of my overcoat
contained bed and the dining room table,
THE EMBlTTERED WIFE
Oh, what life You insane creature! 1t
would be better if you made enough money
to pay your months rent. instead of deform-
ing your pockets by stuffing them full of
furniture.
THE ERRATICi HUSBAND
I? Lazy? Do not blaspheme, madam!
Remember that whenever we move into
new apartment, it takes US nearly two
months and half to piece together the
fragments of our puzzle. Lazy, indeed!
No sooner is all the furniture arranged
than I have to begin thinking again about
transferring it to some new abode
THE EMBITTERED WIFE
Don't chatter so much, but work. You still
have 1885 pieces of the looking glass to
take out, and 5,4o4 pieces OF the lcebOX.
THE ERRATIC HUSBAND
l mustn't waste any time. with the aid
of pair of sugar tongs he removes, ont
by one, all the pieces of glass from the
mirror.) 1t is done now
THE EMBITTERED WIFE
oh
glass in this old newspaper (she counts
the pieces before wrapping them up.)
Seventeen thousand, six hundred and twenty
five - that's right. Put the icebox. as
usual, in your overcoat pocket and let's be
off
THE ERRATIC HUSBAND
Yes Let's be off. On pocketing the ice
box he let's fall few peces.)
THE EMB1TTERED WIFE
Pick them up, clumsy creature, You have
fingers successfully.
THE ERRATIC HUSBAND
4"one 90 MuNh lun VI me as you IKE,
madam. Is 1t my fault that Mother Nature
has endowed me with an extra finger?
THE EMB1TTERED WIFE
BE quict-~pinhcadl
THE ERRATIC HUSBAND (infuriated)
Pinhead, indeed! This insult Is more
than I can bearl (He springs forward,
seizes his embittered wife, pnches her nos
trils with nutcracker and closes her mouth
with the sugar-tongs. She falls, choked to
death.)
THE ERRATIC HUSBAND (regaining his
habitual calm.
One should never lose ones temper.
must try to make amends for this moment
his wife into small pieces, which he wraps
up in newspaper) must now disperse
these fragments Of my poor wife in various
deserted quarters Of the city. 1t is the
classical way, and nothing equals the clas-
sizes. (He starts to go out) OH I was
forgetting the package containing the pieces
Of the looking glass. Every triAe makes me
lose my head. Gle takes the package con-
tanning his wife in his right hand, carries
New-York tribune., 1919-03-23
Third Act: The Tender Helpmate
Scene: The neac gpavtment.

Scene: The ne1c apartment.
THE ERRATIC HUSBAND (entering).
Here / am in my new apartment. The
dawn is coming / can now begin to recon
struct all my furniture. This package con-
tains the fragments of the looking glass.
(He begins to fit the pieces together.) Ny
hand is trembling, my sight is obscured I
have drunk too much-too much-too much!
He continues to piece together the frag
ments) My work is almost finished.
only have three pieces left. | am working
mechancally-wthout seeing. | fit the
pieces together by sheer force Of habit
have drunk too much-~too much. Therel
The last piece is fitted inl The looking
glass is reconstructed
THE EMBTTTERED WIFE
You must indeed be very drunk to take
me for looking gIassl
THE ERRATIC HUSBAND (instantly be-
coming sober).
Great Heavens! understand everything!
drank to keep up courage Thus mixed
up the two packages and threw the pieces
Of the mirror away. And now | have
constructed my wife, by mistake.
THE EMBITTERED WIFE Gin Il terrible
voicej
Whatl You threw away the pieces of the
looking glassl WE'LL always said you
didn't amount ia nnythnR' But you must
indeed be the least Of men, and the iirst
New-York tribune., 1919-03-23
THE ERRATIC HUSBAND

THE EMBITTERED WIFE (throwng her
arms about his neck in paroxysm of rage
Be still! If you had not taken too much
to drink this would never have happened
and l should not be here to tear your
hair You should never, never have mixed
up the packages.
New-York tribune., 1919-03-23

And then, when your
wife, by some miracle,
does happen TO- bs virsu-
Gus and kind and domes-
tic and rather pretty, and
she is an ideal house
keeper. why, then you
simply can't keep awake
when she's in the roonx
The Dillon herald. [volume] (Dillon, S.C.) 1894-????, 1919-05-22
Iilege and use of the track and

ilege and use of the track and
grounds.
(e) Any driver or owner who
shall conspire or frame up with an
other driver or owner, to bring about
the defeat of another horse, such
driver or owner, together with the
horse or horses shall forfeit all win
nings and be forever barred from US
ing the track or grounds in any man
ner, shape or form.
CD These Rules and Regulations
shall apply to workouts, jogging or
racing, for this club does not want
any person on the track or grounds,
whc will not deport himself as a
true gentleman and sportman.
(g) The officers of the club shall
appoint judges for the races and
shall be furnished with a copy of
these rules, with instructions to en-
force them to the letter, and if they
fail to do so then the officers of the
club shall.
The Dillon herald. [volume] (Dillon, S.C.) 1894-????, 1919-05-22
WINTHROP COLLEGE
SCHOLARSHIP AND ENTRANCE
EXAMINATION

The examination for the award of
vacant scholarships in Winthrop
College and for the admission of
new students will be held at the
County Court House on Friday, July
4th, at 9 a. M, and also on Saturday,
July 5th, at 8 a. m, for those who
wish to make up by examinations ad-
ditional units required for full ad-
mission to the Freshman Class of this
institution. The examination on Sat
urday, July 5th, will be used only
for making admission units. The
scholarships will be awarded upon the
examination held on Friday, JVly
4th. Applicants must not be less than
sixteen years of age. When scholar
ships are vacant after July 4th, they
will be awarded to those making the
highest average at this examination,
provided they meet the conditions
governing the award. Applicants for
scholarships should write TO Presi-
dent Johnson for scholarship exam
ination blanks. These blanks, proper
ly filled out by the applicant, should
be filed with President johnson by
July 1st.
Scholarships are worth 500 and
free tuition. The next session Will
open September II, 1919. For further
information and catalogue, address
President D. B. Johnson, Rock Hill,
S. C.-5-22-3t.218.
The Dillon herald. [volume] (Dillon, S.C.) 1894-????, 1919-05-22
CREDITORS NOTICE.

Having qualified as Administrative
of the estate of Joseph F Bennett,
deceased, notice is hereby given that
all persons indebted to said estate
are hereby requested to make pay
ment to tn, undersigned and all per-
sons holding claims against said es-
tate are hereby requested to present
same duly authenticated within the
time provided by law, or this notice
will be plead in bar of their recovery.
MOLLIE A. BENNETT,
5-22-3t-229 Administrative.
The Dillon herald. [volume] (Dillon, S.C.) 1894-????, 1919-05-22
CREDITORS NOTICE.

Having qualified as administrator
OF the estate of Lawrence Coving-
ton, deceased. notice is hereby given
that all persons indebted to said es-
tate are hereby requested to make
payment to the undersigned and all
persons holding claims against said
estate are hereby requested to pre-
sent same duly authenticated within
the time provided by law, or this
natice will be plead in bar of their
recovery.
JNO. C. BETHEA,
Administrator.
The Dillon herald. [volume] (Dillon, S.C.) 1894-????, 1919-05-22
RULES GOVERNING RACES.
Racing Association Adopts Bylaws
Which Must be Observed by All
Entrants.

The following rules will be rigidly
enforced al the races to be held here
on the S0th:
I. This organization shall be
known as the Dillon Matinee CLUB,
organized for the purpose of racing
horses for sport, pleasure and profit.
2. F1om time to time the club Will
give RACES for purses and anyone who
is a true sportsman and gentleman
will be accorded the privilege of the
use of the track to train on and can
race for the purses offered by the
club, and every person who uses the
track and competes for the purses
offered by the club must accede to
the rules and regulations hereinafter
set forth.
(a) No betting shall be allowed
on the grounds, nor shall anyone be
permitted to use the tract for match
race if money or other thing is up for
value. However, match racing will be
allowed provided there is no betting.
(b) No horse shall be allowed to
compete in any race whose identity
is not fully established to the satis-
faction of the officers of the club,
and no horse can start in a race when
any one competing in the race has
asked for indentification. And any
person starting a horse out Of its
class shall never be allowed to race
on the track again, nor the owner
thereof, or its driver be accorded the
privileges of the track for any pur-
pose unless the suspension, is raised
by the club, and all winnings of such
horse shall be withheld and distri-
,buted as if such horse was not in the
race.
(c) No one is allowed to compete
in races or use the track for any
purpose who will not conduct himself
as a gentleman, either as driver,
owner, or spectator, and any person
guilty of foul driving such as cut
ting in ahead of competing horses,
squeezing them, driving his competi-
tor wide, or any other misconduct
shall be expelled and the horse so be-
ing driven shall forfeit all of its win"
nings, and the driver and the horse
shall not be permitted the use of the
track or its privileges in any manner,
shape or form whatsoever in the fu-
ture unless reinstated by the club.
(d) No profanity shall be allow
ed on the grounds either by the driv"
ers, owners, or spectators, and any
one guilty of any misbehavior OF any
kind shall be forever denied the priv
The Dillon herald. [volume] (Dillon, S.C.) 1894-????, 1919-05-22

Commencement and
wedding invitations, visiting cards,
etc. No trouble to show you sam
Piles of work and no obligation on
your part to buy. The Dillon Her
aid.
The Dillon herald. [volume] (Dillon, S.C.) 1894-????, 1919-05-22
RACES CALLED AT 3 p. M.

CONDITIONS: Rules of National Trot-
ting Association and Dillon Matinee Club
to govern. Each race to 60 three heats,
every heat a race, to enter and 4 to
start. Right to call off on account of
rain or failure to fill reserved. Five per
cent. to enter and 5 per cent. additional
from money winners. Purses 500 each.
Money divided so, rs, Is and 10 per
cent. Entries close Thursday night, May
10Th. at IL o'clock p. m.
The Caldwell tribune. [volume] (Caldwell, Idaho Territory [Idaho]) 1883-1928, 1919-11-28
LOCAL AND PERSONAL

Lou Burns, a former we'll known
real estate man Of Caldwell, returned
to his home at Arco, Wednesday eve
ming after spending several days Wis
iting in Caldwell.
James Edgar Keith of Wilder and
Nobel Irene Ballard were married
Wednesday afternoon at the Chris
tfan church parsonage by the Rev.
Francis Cook. The ceremony was
witnessed by only a few relatives
and intimate friends. Fern Borgess.
and Hobart Smith accompanied the
contracting parties as bridesmaid and
bridegroom.
John Gregory is in the Crandview
section this week on business for the
Turner Livestock Co.
Frank Swisher, who recently pur-
chased two champion white face herd
bulls in Nebraska, sold the pair
Wednesday. The animals will be on
exhibition at the Turner Livestock
market for several days. E:
Theron Lafferty will leave soon fol
southern California for the winter.
Edgar Hawley of Boise, district rep
resentative of the soldiers vocational
training board, was in Caldwell Tues.
day explaining the plan to former
service men. s
Funeral services were held Tuesda,
for Francis Sanderson, the 4 year ole
son of Mr.. and Mrs. A. D. Sandersor
who was killed Saturday while en-
deavoring to steal ride on a wager
loaded with hay. The Rev. B. w
Rice officiated at the services which
were held at the Binford undertaking
par1ors. Burial was in Canyon Hill
cemetery.
The Caldwell tribune. [volume] (Caldwell, Idaho Territory [Idaho]) 1883-1928, 1919-11-28
Only a Cold.

Are you III? is often answered.
"Ohl it's only a cold" as if cold
was a matter of little consequence,
but people are beginning to learn that
a common cold is a matter not to be
trifled with, that some of the most
serious diseases start with cold. AS
soon as the first indication of a cold
appears take Chamberlain's Cough
Remedy. Remember that the sooner
you get lid of your cold the less the
danger, and this remedy will help you
to throw it off.-Adv.