Evening public ledger. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1914-1942, 1919-01-20
Who invented swabs, anyway?

MAY 9.--T am just after having
4V1 been killed in a sham battle, and
so consequently | feel rather ghastly
today. l don't exactly know whether
/ was Red or a Blue because l did
deal of fighting on both sides, but
always with the same results. | was
Killed instantly and completely. People
got sick of putting mo out of my
misery after a while and | was allowed
to wonder around at large, shooting
my blank bullets into the face of
nature In an aimless sort of manner
whenever the battle began to pail upon
me.
Most Of the time I passed pleasantly
on the soft. fresh flank of hill where
for while | slept until a COW breathed
heavily In my face and reminded me
that II was war after all. My in.
structions were to keep away from the
guns, and get killed as soon as possible.
l carried them out to the letter, I
stayed from the guns and permitted
myself to be killed several times In
order to make sure it would take. After
that ! became sort Of composite
camp follower, deserter and strag-
gler.
May ll-Nothing matters much now
for I have been selected from among
part os a show girl IN the coming
magnificent Pelham pro 1uct!on. "Bif!
Bang" At last | have found the oc-
cupation to which BY training and
inclination / am naturally adapted
The Grand Moguls that are running
this show came around the barracks
the other day looking for material, and
when they gazed upon mo l felt sure
that their search had not been in vain.
"Why don't you write a nut part
for him?" asked one of them of the
playwright as they surveyed me criti-
cally.
THAT would never do" he answered.
Real nuts can never play the part
on the stage You've got TO have a
man of intelligence"
Look here" | broke in. you've
got to stop talking about me before
my face as if | wasn't really present
Nuts l may he, but can still under.
stand English. even when badly
spoken, and resent It, Lay off that
stuff or I'll bo constrained to introduce
you to "a new brand Of Biff. Bang"
Saying this | struck an heroic at.
titude, but it seemed TO produce no
startling change in their calm, de.
liberate examination of me.
He'll do, l think, as u show girl
the dance master unused dreamily.
Like a cabbage, every one of his
features is bad, but the whole effect
is not revolving" At this point the
musician broke In.
He amt agoing 20 dance 70 my
music if | know il. He'll ruin 1t.
Al which remark ! executed a few
rather simple but nevertheless neat
steps | had learned at the last charity
bazaar 70 which I had contributed my
services, and these few steps We're
sufficient to close the deal. ! was
signed up on the spot.
From that day on my life has be.
come one of unremitting toll To-
gether with the rest of the show girls
vamp and slouch my way around
the clock with ever increasing
seductiveness We are really doing
splendilly. The ponies come leaping
lightly across the floor waving their
freCkled, muscular arms from size 20
side and looking very unattractive in
deed in their B. Y. D.'s, high shoes
and sock supporters. II can see II
all" says the director, IN an euthust'
aStlC voice.
Is show girls, Of course, have 70 5e
q little more modest than In ponies
so we retain our white trousers
, These are rolled up, however, in order
| 20 afford the mosquitoes room to roost
on. And sad 10 relate, the life is
I beginning 10 affect the boys Only
! yesterday 7 saw one OF our luugnest
I ponies yamping up the aisle of Mess
/ Hall No, with his tray held over
/ his head in the manner Of a Persian
| slave girl.
My career so far has not been Z