The Birmingham age-herald., 1919-07-06

tains no vegetable poisons and will not explode when handled, by innocent chill dren."
 Nevertheless, I believe in the Linn Kiln Club. l believe in the bear-trap. 1 De- lieve in Giveadam Jones and those other fascinating "oneses, Lord Conductive and General Pompeii. 1 believe in Prof Janu- ary Sunbeam I believe in Snowbal Piper Elder Toots, Sir Horace Walpole, Goneby Jackson, Waydown Bebee, Pickles Smith and lion. Solo Bomby. From the , depths of grateful heart I believe i'll 1 Brother Gardner. In fact, I swallow the whole, preposterous congress of colored erudities, publicists and philosophers, 50 real is M Quads account-real because it has never the air of trying to be real. Take for instance the discussions of the torpedo chicken. Under the caption.
 "A Painful Report" Quad gives you the plain, unvarnished facts. "Canistoga Johnson, of the Committee on Hereditary 1 Privileges, arose with business in his eyes, and announced that he was ready with his monthly report. Two weeks since | his committee had been informed of a | dastardly attempt to wrest one of the most cherished hereditary privileges from , the hands of the colored race, and had sent to Memphis to secure all particulars He was now ready to report that white man in that city had brought out a ma chine known as the Dead Give-Away,' l. was an explosive torpedo made up to re- semble a spring chicken, and it's position on the roost al night was so natural that a person who had eaten 10000 hens would be deceived. It had been brought out on the quiet, and before the colored popu- lation of Memphis knew what was up, the place was full of shattered constitu tions"
 Serious. this, Large orders had poured in on the inventor, and one firm in Detroit had telegraphed for 5000. In six months every hen-roost in Detroit would have it's torpedo chicken. He would urge prompt and speedy action. Every day of delay put 90 additional torpedo chickens on the market.
 Can anyone in his senses doubt that this momentous discussion took place. or that subsequent meeting of the club was enlivened by proposals from the committee on agriculture in somewhat similar vein? Farmers am recommended to plant larger area of melons and to locate de patch at least half mile from de house. Any farmer who hangs a bell on a harvest apple tree or sets a beartrap aroun de smokehouse or places a spring gun to guard his hen roost am a silent enemy of American liberty"
 LIME KILN CLUB PROGRESSIVE .
 When the history of civilization comes to be written, it will gradually dawn upon us what a wealth of pro- gressive ideas we owe to the Lime Kiln club Who originated simplifiod spelling and resolved to spell "chasm'' k-z-m? Who first planned an expedi- tion to discover the east and west poles Who suggested combining Thanksgiving. Christmas and New Years into a gorgeous, three-ply holl- 1... - Who bestowed new and surprisingly improved names upon the heavenly bodies? Who, thanks to suggestions by its committee on foreign relations advised the recall of 12 American con suls and the substitution of the same number of cheap stone dogs? In each and every instance we are indebted to the Lime Kiln club. No other organ ization has claimed the honor. No other organization. however augus!, has dared to. And just see to what point the Lime Kiln club made out to advance the refinements of life! By unanimous vote 1t was resolved that mo member shall address de meetin' widout havin bofe shoes on," and ac- cording to report by the committee on decorative art "Old hats hab long been considered en regle for fillin' in place of broken window panes, but decorative genius hab found somefln' new. Cardboard cats, printed in colors an made all sizes am pinned to de sash so neatly dat de passerby am struck with admiration"
 Now. and then Brother Gardner en- bellished the proceedings with gems of worldly wisdom. Quoth he, 'I like a man who has been a liar, an wiio hasn't entirely recovered from de ir- jury. Den I know how to trade hosscs wid him. an l know what to believe when he tells me dat he has been fishin'." Or the invaluable colored Pickwick would observe, When de ole woman buys kaliker on a guarar.- tee she rather hopes it'll fade in de washin'," or remark, sagely, q doau suppose heaven am crowded wid law yers, but I reckon huff on em squeeze in to keep fings pretty lively for sich angels as disturb de peace or obstruct de sidewalk However. it was a guest of the club, and not Brother Gardner himself, who delivered tfe eloquent. illustrious, and never to be forgotten masterpiece of oratory en- titled De Goneness of de Past" Here you have M. Quad's own account:
 As the triangle sounded, the presi- dent slowly arose to a picturesque pu- sitior and observed: Prof. January Sunbeam of Mississipie arr waitin n de ante room to address de meetin' he subject of De Goneness of de