davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Chattanooga news. [volume] (Chattanooga, Tenn.) 1891-1939, 1919-03-04

tcontiru,d en Pace e.l
The Chattanooga news. [volume] (Chattanooga, Tenn.) 1891-1939, 1919-03-04

Cc~r.'n'ed - Pa~. 81
The Lake County times. [volume] (Hammond, Ind.) 1906-1933, 1919-12-23

YY EVE JUST received a letter from Of our
# readers in which he asks why the old time
AAE jokes do not include those about Adam To his
untutored mind there couldn't be anything more
ancient than the jokes Of those days.
As matter Of fact jokes OF the Adamic period
altogether fresh among venerable
jess that being worked off upon the public nowadays
Most OF the funnysms OF that time are presented
every ay pulling held today and always produce the most
hilarious outbursts OF Laughter
what time Of the day Adam In the
cortg afternoon, or little before ETC.
That's example OF the OF the jokes OF the
early and it IS be
classed with the oldtime Jokes.
And then
WIZ Etc made? Ansmcr. For Adams
Express Company. Why tcaSni Ere AFRAID
Of aicnsless AnSrcv: Because she hal Adar
Why knov that Of an disposi-
tioa. Ansrer: Because The Bible says she roised
Cam. Why ddaf Cam become GVidfor9 IN
8WcT.. Because he wasnt Abel Who eGs Gains
rifeg AnSWer: 4bers sister-tn-l1o
these all good, and convusin ely
funny jokes that have place jests antiquity.
before Adam heard of there invented that
prize Of all puns. When is door? Ah
there's that's bent with age, yet still doing yeo-
duty from the Flanders front to Butte City.
1t the late Samuel l. Clemens, ] believe told
of the best stories in which Adam figured He
Dir. Clemens, not Adam--was a railroad train. tired
and in thoughtful mood, and for not inclined
entertain 10 De entertained. There a garrulous
The Lake County times. [volume] (Hammond, Ind.) 1906-1933, 1919-12-23
Not Quite Ready

under the impression thai q party
was being made mp for immediate
departure
The Lake County times. [volume] (Hammond, Ind.) 1906-1933, 1919-12-23

YHALL we have any new rose
IA bushes this spring, dear?"
asked Mrs. Rumble. as she
u lovingl tucked napkin IN
der her husbands collar while he
prepared to dispose of his morning
repast
mo more roses" replied Mr.. Rum
BILE. Roses are luxury, a vanity.
They arc the gay things that detract
weight with which We must deal at
the present time.
IF you had followed the newspa
pers carefully you would be aware
Of the fact that the Government Is
encouraging everybody to substitute
vegetables for flowers during the
period of the war. All the space that
has been devoted to flowers is to be
preempted by table supplies. The
whole land is to be converted into
one vast farm garden. Every loyal
citizen this republic over is to join
the ranks of the husbandman.
ut is a matter OF especial pride
10 me J0dl Tue lQulDAGo udN Z al " a. >
excelled in agricultural pursuits.
Few Of them. indeed. have been
farmers, but those who have turned
their hands TO the filling OF the soil
have distinguished themselves above
their neiEhbors.
My own illustrious father was a
farmer, and a successful farmer. His
great-great-gran was an agri-
culturalist. l have it from the lips
OF one of my uncles that a Rum BILE
owned and cultivated farm located
next to that of Virginius. When Vir-
ginius was called from the plow to
lead the Syrian hosts against the
Philistines-"
Mrs. Rumble interrupted.
MY dear" said she; 81 fear you
are slightly mixed there. virginius
did not lead the Syrian forces against
The Lake County times. [volume] (Hammond, Ind.) 1906-1933, 1919-12-23

a family record" agreed Mrs. Rum
BILE; land | am as proud OF il as you
are. l am especially pleased to learn
how you feel toward the gardening
proposition. 1t will be really de-
lightful to have our own vegetables
from our own little miniature farm,
and at the same time to realize that
by utilizing our lawn space for this
purpose we are helping the Govern
ment win the war. 1t will be too
dear to see you sacrificing your time
and energy TO this work. 1t will be
delight for me 20 come to you when
you are toiling in the hot sun and
bring you a cool glass OF water to
slack your thirst. Every time you
drive the spade into the ground; ev-
cry time you plung e the mattock into
the soil: every time you pry a boulder
out of the bosom of old mother earth
my heart will go out to you. and"
Mrs. umble, have you gone
wildT' cried Mr.. Rumble.
Why no, dear" replied the puz-
zied Mrs Rum BILE.
Well. you talk very much as If
you were" declared Rumble. do
you imagine that / am capable of the
work OF a tractor pillow and steam
harvester2 Do you take me for an
army tank? Do look like I was
able to work blisters on my hands
under the rays Of scorcbing sun for
hours every day? Do you think |
have the strength to drive a shovel
through twelve inches of sod over an
area of an aefe of ground?"
NO dear" answered his wife: II
merely had in mind the Rumble rec
ord and your inclination to uphold
the family reputation
Woman" cried Rum bic, spring
ing to his feet--he always clinched
his arguments by springing to his
feet-"Woman, you are trying to
hound me to death. You are do
ing your durndest to shorten my ex-
istence. You are continually casting
aspersions upon the good name of
my family and upon me. won't
stand it, I'm on
And he went.
The Lake County times. [volume] (Hammond, Ind.) 1906-1933, 1919-12-23

Once . Sunday School Superin-
tendent was talking to the chill
dren about their duty to live right
sort of lives, and telling them
where they would go if they we're
good, and where they would go Ii
they were bad. Then he asked:
How many of you children
want to go to heaven?"
There was great stunning OF
feet as all the children In the
school stood up but little Johnny
Jones.
We'll, Johnny" inquired the
mystif1ed uperintendent; don't
you want to go to heaven"
"Yessir. but not just yet" an
swered Johnny. who was laboring
The Lake County times. [volume] (Hammond, Ind.) 1906-1933, 1919-12-23
or LONG AGO
6v Hugh Moore

fellow passenger who took a next to Mark Twain
and sought engage him in conversation Twain mean
time doing all he could TO discourage the conversation
President Cleveland has been elected for the first
time.
What do you think 81 Cleuesqnd'" asked the talk
6ttUe felFoD.
Il kno0 him. drduled Tuain.
The felIoto paused and then:
This EdSon's wonderful genius. isn't her
n don't knoT him" drGiCed Tram again
Lincoln the master mind Of the country.
lCosn' her" inquired the feltoto passenger.
''NeUcT heard Of him." replied Todtn tCifh yd,c1f
wen guess you admire george Washington"
suggested the perple-ed trdCe!er.
''Hes TO nc" onsUeTed TtcGiH
Look here pcrtner," cried the not0 crcitcd pas
senger. did you hear Of ADAM
"AdGns Addmfr repeated the hur0rist SlotDIy.
light had fndJy begun 10 break upon
"AdaB,2 What his first manner"
It would hardly be fair leave the old jokes Of this
class without recalling in which Noah figured.
a of rather ordinary education trying to
make speech a semiliterary subject, and telling
what boon humanity the dictionary. Very
impressvely he sang out:
The Lake County times. [volume] (Hammond, Ind.) 1906-1933, 1919-12-23

with cool But
mistakin' the they're tryn to als
CARLETON.
The Lake County times. [volume] (Hammond, Ind.) 1906-1933, 1919-12-23
Identified

Identified
We see the nrst boxes appear on the
street.
We hear the first vender's cry ring.
And thus We may tell By the straw
berry mark
That April is child of the spring.
The Lake County times. [volume] (Hammond, Ind.) 1906-1933, 1919-12-23
Had Tried One Thing

An old colored woman in the
South went to see the deacon OF
her church about the way her hus-
band was treating her. She said
that he not only neglected to pro-
vide food for the home and cloth
ing for the children, but that he
used the most disrespectful Ian
guage to her.
Has yer cher tried heapin'
Goals OBJ FIRE on his head?" asked
the deacon.
Well, nor perZactly dat" an
swered the imposed upon wife;
but Ise soused him wild bucket
or two 90 cold water cherry now
an then"
The Lake County times. [volume] (Hammond, Ind.) 1906-1933, 1919-12-23
Rur11QgkE5 GAQoen INTERRUPTS HIS BpeAkfA5T
y n OO1aear
Oo.eAv 6oeRovc.As

annihilated until the return of the
victorious Arabian.
Not a penny did he charge for
his services. or, should say. not a
penuckle, that being the monetary
unit OF the day 1t is a grand record
that the Rumbles have in agriculture
Just as the family record in all things
pertaining to civic advancement is
grand and inspiring"
1T is very gratifying to have such
The Lake County times. [volume] (Hammond, Ind.) 1906-1933, 1919-12-23

the Philistines. He"
Mr. Rumble turned and glared at
her sternly.
DO not interrupt me- he com
manded: II know whereof | speak
When Virginius was called from the
pillow the Rumbls who owned the next
farm took charge of the property OF
the departed warrior and saw to it
that the briars and weeds were kept
down and that the potato bugs were
The Lake County times. [volume] (Hammond, Ind.) 1906-1933, 1919-12-23

No one can orerestirdtc the blessing tho: pds
conferred upon humanity by the lcrtttn9 Of ire
dictionary By Daniel webster"
A friend IN a near seat whispered:
1T Noah tcho icrote the dictionary
The speaker in disgust at his prompter'S iono-
rance. replied tones that could be heard
throughout the hail:
Noah? thunder ne built the orl."
The Lake County times. [volume] (Hammond, Ind.) 1906-1933, 1919-12-23

This Way To The Side Show.
Now gents for de trinin' sum
of one cent III done raise de box
an show you de dent in de side
walk nah kid brudder's head
made when he done fell outer de
fifth story winder!"
The Lake County times. [volume] (Hammond, Ind.) 1906-1933, 1919-12-23
Social Distinctions


life hard labor"
till weathes
The Lake County times. [volume] (Hammond, Ind.) 1906-1933, 1919-12-23

HALL we have any new rose
bushes this spring, dearT"
asked Mrs. Rumble, as she
lovingly tucked . napkin un-
The Lake County times. [volume] (Hammond, Ind.) 1906-1933, 1919-12-23
The Bachelor Girl

The Bachelor Girl
Here's to the maiden who lives ali
alone.
The Bachelor Girl" as she's general
ly known;
May she find companion as soon as
she can,
IL he be nothing more than the much
deSpiSed man.
The Lake County times. [volume] (Hammond, Ind.) 1906-1933, 1919-12-23

in the solitary with ball and chain
on his starboard mitt. For I've done
some jobs Of / say, as shouldn't), that
would be credit to any man, that no
two-spot IN this dugout couldn't II
give him the dope an a workin' plan.
There was this little game that
played in Cinci.-the one I'm dom
time for now. and then avain on fhe
The Lake County times. [volume] (Hammond, Ind.) 1906-1933, 1919-12-23

Did you hear about old alb
sent-minded Professor Geezer?"
Why no."
He looked in the directory to
dnd out where he lived and found
be couldn't rememb Der his name!"
The Lancaster news. [volume] (Lancaster, S.C.) 1905-current, 1919-01-14
MAKE YOUR OWN DIAGNOSIS
All One Needs to Determine Physical
Condition Is to Test by cIini.
cal Thermometer.

The best way Of asking friend how
he is, is not to say fiippantly: "How
are you bowingT or even "How's
your liver?" but simply and sufficient
ly: "How's your temperature. Ac-
cording to your temperature you are
well or Ill, alive or nearly dead. In
fact, there are only ten degrees be-
tween blooming health and certain
death. observes a writer In London
Answers.
The temperature OF the air has moth
Ing to do with the temperature Of the
body, which is the temperature Of the
blood. The Eskimo in health sends
the clinical thermometer to the same
spot as the Negro In Timbuctoo, viz,
% degrees Fahrenheit. The tempera-
ture Of the air will sometimes vary 40
degrees in the same day, but II the
temperature Of the body goes up two
degrees, you are Ill four degrees, you
are yer! Ill; six degrees. and the doc
tor Is very anxious: eight degrees, and
you are at deaths door.
Anybody can take temperature.
even his own. 1t Is great safe
guard to possess and use clinical
thermometer. Nlnety-eight degrees, all
right; 100 degrees, stay at home; 1O1
degrees, go to bed; 1O2 degrees, send
for the doctor. Anything higher than
that is a doctors job.
The Lancaster news. [volume] (Lancaster, S.C.) 1905-current, 1919-01-14
TIC Make Flyers InvIsIbIe

Many efforts are being made to make
the airplane invisible from the earth
when II Is soaring through the ether.
One Idea calls for the use OF transpar-
ent material. at least for all purposes
where canvas covering Is used at
present. such az the wings and the
fuseiage. One Of the latest ideas of
the kind is said to be an airplane which
uses noninfammable celluloi6 for the
wings and other parts, and when n.y.
Ing at few hundred feet elevation
the apparatus is quite invisible, ae-
cOrding to reports. A new muffiing
box on the motor serves to deaden the
sound. Cne advantage Of the transpar.
ence is that observations can be made
In all directionA
The Lancaster news. [volume] (Lancaster, S.C.) 1905-current, 1919-01-14
The Economy General.

Gen. Sir Henry Horne. "the man who
took Douai," has been called the econ
omy general through skillful manip-
ulation of men and his small casual
ty list. His name will be handed down
to posterity as the man who invented
the creeping barrage" system, which
came into universal use on the battle
field. With the assistance Of this bar
rage, he captured Fricourt, ,Mametz
and Douai gaining maximum results at
minimum cost. His losses in men and
material on each occasion were very
light.
General Horne belongs to the Old
Contemptihles. and he saw. service also
The Lancaster news. [volume] (Lancaster, S.C.) 1905-current, 1919-01-14
Crime Conditions In Germany.

Criminality in Germany sugments
without cessation. To quote Socialist
hehring before the reichstag. lying.
theft and swindling are not Offset by
military glories. The Bishop of Metz
In his London pastoral speaks Of i'm
morality, theft and unbridled license.
In Berlin in the fall of 1915 there was
an average OF 300 daily complaints Of
theft. The insecurity on the public
thoroughfares Is great. There are p
600 criminals whose terms at hard la
Dor have expired who are at large.
banned alike from the public and prt-
vate employ. In the Dusseldorf dis
trict In the first half of 19i7 5000 ado
lescents were convicted of crime and
various buildings have had to be con-
verted into warehouses; and places of
detention for these persons-La
Presse Hedicale.
The Lancaster news. [volume] (Lancaster, S.C.) 1905-current, 1919-01-14
PROUD OF LAST GOOD TALK"
High, and Died IS Soldier Would
Wish 20 Die.

"Yamato HykaShi. tamilisrly known
as Togo in the battalion. joined up at
vancouver. He was a bright. attrac-
tye little japanese with beatific
smile and some quaint knowledge OF
English. Most honorable conscllp-
tion no catch me- he told the recruit
fng officer with wide, dlsarming
smile.
HE put married opposite the ques-
don. married or single on the attes-
fation form, and favored the officer
with pictorial view OF hi. tamily-a
pretty almond-%ed girl and two doll
ake babies. He accepted the assurance
that they would be looked after by
the Canadian government with beams
OF delight. Then, squaring himself as
IL he were going 10 fight the whole
German army, he strobe away happi-
iy with a sergeant to the military de-
pot.
Togo became q Lewis gunner, the
best No. L In the unit. He developed
passion for the weapon that amount.
ed almost to idolatry, and during the
training days astonlshed the instruc-
to'". iot ihlItVueHliy, Dy scoring pOs-
sibles on intricate landscape targets.
Hun feel peevishly when honorable
Lewis talk with full mouth he used
to boast, and then proceeded to spray
bullets at an amazing rate and with
uncanny accuracy on indicated posi-
dons-the make-believe of the ma
chine-gun school.
"The loss, In transit from Japan, OF
letters from the almond-eyed girl In.
spired conversations with honorable
Lewis'-sad, grooming, little talks that
none Of the gun team understood. But
they would not intrude upon or inter-
rupt him.
'"The Lewis gun posts. pushed well
out In the crater area Of the neutral
ground, had been put out Of action, the
guns destroyed. and the crews manged
by hurricane barrage-all except one.
Toward evening, as the German lnfan-
try advanced TO complete the work of
the high explosive and shrapnel, this
one gun suffered defiance and pecked
little gaps here and there in the on
coming waves OF fiei6-gray. It's spas
modic rat-ta-tat indicated to the anx.
iously listening men In the front line
The Lancaster news. [volume] (Lancaster, S.C.) 1905-current, 1919-01-14
AUDITORS NOTICE

me County Auditor will All tho
toiowing appointments for taking
tax returns for 1918:
A: 5. Mungo Wednesday. Japuarv
is, In the morning.
flat Creek Church "Wednesday
January Is, in the evening.
Iaxahaw Thursday, January 1s
White Blum Friday, January IL
In the morning. -
Nsish Friday, January II. in the
evening. :" '"e
Kershaw Monday and Tuesday
January 20-21. "''
Heath Springs Wednesday and
Thursday. January 22-23
Pleasant Hill Friday. January "a
carmel Saturday. January 25.
All male citizens between the 400
or ~ and So are liable for a. "a
road tax All male citizens between
the ages OF 21 and 60 are liable for
VI poll tax. '''
Returns shall be made OF persono,
property and all transfers of real es-
tate should be made.
JOS. w. KNIGHT.
County Auditor.
The Lancaster news. [volume] (Lancaster, S.C.) 1905-current, 1919-01-14
MOVING BY PLANE
Just a Possibility Of the Not Very
Oi1tant Future.
No Reason Why, When Sanity Returns
to the Earth, AirpIanes Should Not
Be Used for Prosaie Com
mercial Purposes
Time-After the war.

Time-After the war.
Place-Somewhere in the United
States Of the world.
Mrs. John Smith is discovered press
Ing buttons at the base of a wireless
furnished room. Furniture includes q
grand plano, a bookcase. etc. On the
piano is a German helmet.
Mr.. Smith, speaking into the phone !:
Hello. Is this the office of the In
ternational Airplane Moving company Z
Huhl
"Well, this Is Mrs. John Smith at
9S42 Pershing avenue. I'm going to
move today to 9965 Foch avenue and
I want you to send one Of your air
planes after the furniture. And say.
tell your men to be careful not to
scratch the piano or dent the helmet
that my husband got from the Ger.
mans
Yes. want you to come right away.
I'm leaving for France tonight on the
nine o'clock transa atlantic airShip."
Such incidents may be everyday oc
currences In the near future, consider.
Ing the development of the airplane
As matter Of fact an airplane recent.
ly carried an upright piano from Lon.
don to Paris along with several pas.
sengers. This was done to demon.
strate the lifting and carrying power
OF the plane. 1t was one of the huge
bombing types which are dropping ex.
plosives upon the Rhine cities, and of
course used for war purposes.
However, II may be safe to predict
that peace will not slow up the prac.
tfcal progress of aerial transportation
II is not unlikely that within the pres.
Ont generation airplanes will be as
common as motor cars now are. The
skyboats will be manned by the young
fellows who are either war avators OF
are in training for that work.
So II is probable that these aviators
OF the future will guide the sky vans
which will move our furniture For, IL
an upright piano can be moved from
London to Paris In war times, IT ap.
pears feasible to move upright, grand,
or any kinds OF pianos or furniture
from one section Of the city to another
In peace times.
Granted that q suitable landing
place may be provided for the movins
planes, SO that the furniture may be
transferred without injury, a great
many OF the worries of moving day will
become as forgotten as the discomfort.
OF travelling via OK wagon. In It's
smooth passage through the air china
ware and the glass OF the bookcase
will not be in danger of being broken
Thus, the housewife OF the future
will not need TO take much time from
her duties as member of the United
Nations club on moving day to tender
ly wrap up cups and saucers or 10
crate the helmet that her husband CAP
tured from German when the Amer
lean army occupied Metz and Berlin.
The Lancaster news. [volume] (Lancaster, S.C.) 1905-current, 1919-01-14
CIemeneeau, Playwright.

Like many another Partisan Of poll
tics, Monsieur Clemenceau is inter.
ested in the finer things OF theater
and, like Waldeck-Rousseau before
him. assiduously frequents 1t even
though he happens to be prime min
lister of France. In his years Of leis-
ure ne has dabbled also in the writing
of plays and two Of his pieces. LES
Requins" and lie Voile du Bonheur,"
have found place on the stage.-Bos-
ton Transcript
The Lancaster news. [volume] (Lancaster, S.C.) 1905-current, 1919-01-14
~ROUP S
spasmodic Group 10 ~
~ usually relieved with ~NA
one application Of IL ~
Your BodyaUard9
N1sSKEl2U;JQ:&9
TAX NOTICE.
NEW PRCES-3oc eOc. 81 10

ian NoIICE.
The tax books will open October
18th, 1918, and close March 18th,
1919. After December 31st the
usual penalties will be collected.
The levy is as follows:
For State purposes 8 IA mills
Ordinary county purposes 3 "a
mills.
Roads and bridges 6 3-4 mills.
Constitutional school tax 3 mills.
Interest on past indebtedness
bonds l mill.
For C. & C. Railroad bonds IA
mills.
Interest on borrowed money Ia
For Interest on Township bonds In
Pleasant Hill, "a mills; In Cane
Creek, "a mills; In Gills Creek.
1-2 mills.
Special taxes are levied in the va
rious districts are as follows:
In Districts and 13. two (2)
mills.
In Districts 22. 20 and As. three
CD mills.
In Districts 1. 3. s. 81, 80. 9. 2s,
~. 20. 26, Al and AZ four al mills
In District z. six (6) mills.
In District 4. seven (7) mills.
In Districts 10. IL. IL. IA. Is, IT..
aao' ~. -. 25. 81. 81. 80, 33, "a,
mills. 'o'
In District 3s. ten (1o) mills.
In District 40. eleven (11) mills
All male citizens between the ages
OF ~ and go years are liable to a
roll TAX OF s1.O0. except those ex-
empted by law.
All citizens between the ages Of
II and So years are liable In q cav,
tation Road Tax OF $500.
The Lancaster news. [volume] (Lancaster, S.C.) 1905-current, 1919-01-14
SHIPS IN CONSTANT PERIL
Sailing Without Lights, Navieators
Can Only Rely on Qulckness Of Per-
ception and Professional Nerve

Even II the Huns are escaped, the
life OF merchant ship man in these
days is Ear removed from beer and skit-
ties. An example OF what they have
to go through is furnished by the mar
row squeak the Empress Of Britain and
the Cardiganshire had one night In the
Aegean sea. Ralph f. Cropley writes
In the Atlantic Both are big ships,
and they were loaded with troops and
going at full speed-zigzagging-
light showing. II was one Of those
nights when you can hardly see your
hand before you. There were no stars,
no Observation-Disclosures but
TO trust to luck and the ears Of the
man on the bridge.
The captain OF one OF the ships has
told me that, before he knew II. there
was ship bow on him. dead ahead.
or course the first impulse was TO shift
his helm; but II he did so. the dan
ger would be Of one shin giving the
other glancing blow. Fortunately,
the other skipper appreciated this also.
Their nerve, In spite Of several years
OF war-zone work. was still equal to
the occasion. II all happened in the
twinkllng Of an eye and they passed
safely though there had been less than
30 feet separating the ships. and their
outswung lifeboats nearly scraped. The
captain Of the Cardiganshire, though
he could not see him. heard the cap
tain Of the Empress Of Britain above
the noises Of the sea-heard him yell I:
"For Gods sake. old man, don't shift
your helm |" so close were they on their
respective bridges high above the sea.
Instances OF this kind, which try
mems souls, nightly occur, and quite
frequently there are collisions and
tragedies In the pitch dark The only
way that the two ships Identified
themselves was ten days later, at Sa.
loniki when the captain OF the Cardi.
ganshire heard the skipper Of the
Empress Of Britain asking a friend II
he knew what ship he nearly bumped
on certain night. ! am sorry 10 re-
port that the captain Of the Empress
OF Britain lost his life In the Halifax
explosion while doing hospital work.