The Washington times., 1919-01-27
Two THREE.
l==WITH=
|"BUGS" BAER

About 100000 soldiers are coming
back each month. Baseball mana
gers ought to be down on the dock
picking out their attendance for next
year.
for a short ton.
They coll 'em barons because they
soak us the nineteen seeds.
And Kidd tods only a captain.
Dempsey has flattenea about
twenty birds in one stanza. He
knocked Fulton coo-coo in eleven
strokes under par. II he ever
lands that short right niblick on
Jess's putting green, curfew will
ring in forty-eight States and
two territories.
When the allies are through diuidiHg
up the biscuits, Germany toiH haze aH
the colonies that she can see throuyR
a glass eye.
II Frances greatest general had
been Americas heavyweight chum-
pion: Yes, I known the Clown
Prince wants to smear Paris. But I
amt In this game for romance. Slip
me 100000 cool smackers, win. lose or
draw. and I'll step out and crash the
Door zapp where his chin ought to
be IL he had a chin.
Fighting Is poor fun. A punch in
the nose Is a punch in the nose in any
language. Before-I steer my busted
arches into the war. you've got to
decorate my mitt with one hundred
grands.
I'm the champion and I can write
my own ticket.
What's that? Less than five years
ago 1 was stretching a mean octave
on the free lunch7 Well. what OF II?
I'm duke now, amt I? p.'
What's this bunk about massacring
widows and orphans? That may be
onlcial. but you can't expect me to
get excited with the trout biting the
way they are now. Three cathedraIs
flattened? You ought to, have piped
the string of porgies I surrounded
last week with nothing but a bent
pin and a piece Of crabmeat.
hospital ship sunk ten miles Off
shore? Well, the fishing amt anv
good there anyway.
You just buzz the folks that ~ they
want me to sacrifice my fishing thev
thou.
Don't catch your coattails in the
door as you 60 out"
With the war Cancelled so are the
war gardens. Looks like the neigh
bors' chickens will have to earn their
own living next year.
Boxing fans amt worrying about
that new arena with a seating ca
pacity of $4,000. What a boxing fan
likes to see is a ring with a sleep-
ing capacity Of one.
A boxing bug Is a queer piece of
hash.
The boxing fan wraps a yard of
statistics around your collar showing
that he who lodges and slips away
will live to- stall another round.
But the minute he tosses an astig-
matte gaze at two scientific gappers.
he suddenly remembers that il set
him back two berries to get in. And
four jits for a battle tax.
A scientific fight fan Is never scien-
tific enough to crash the gate. He
always has to shave off some Of his
velvet
So he gives the two disciples of
science the class Al hoot and pages
some action.
He wants to pipe some red cor
pusclcs like they have in big cities.
The science stuff is off like an old
straw hat. As the two delegates OF
science shimmy around the ring, the
advocate of science means like a pla-
toon of hungry lions.
He's sorer than dry fish. He
wants to see some gore and he don't
care whose 1t is just so long as 1t
amt his.
He slips the two scientists the
Giant RaZZ.
Then a set Of deep-sea thumping
double-barreIed. two-harded slam
bassadors fatfo6t into the works,
grab each others ear between their
teeth and start to swat the excelsior
out Of one another's frames.
They are about as scientific as two
tarantuIas with turpentine on their
feet. The ballyhoo resembles two
steamrollers crazy with the heat
Rut every two seconds there is some
thing being fattened and blizzard
Of busted teeth comes sailing out Of
the ring.
The student Of science busts all
tn seams in his voice egging 'eIn on.
And when one bird crumples up like
a trick davenport from a kick In
the hinges. he goes democratic plus.
Then he goes home and tells the
cuckoo clock all about II.
The wifi spots him sparring with
the goldfish and knocks him coo-coo
with a short, snappy rolling pin to
tho hat.
Showing that science Is better than
brute strength, But not at two
smackeFs q copy.