Evening journal., 1919-07-19

Exit the big burly policeman. Ch'-
caeo City Commissioners have reduced
the weight minimum Of ilO pounds and
the height TO five feet six
II they didn't wear em over there,
they will over here. Dallas sewer re-
pairmen have been voted gas masks.
A New York coal company dumped
a load OF coal into John McConnin's
cellar without an order and then billed
him. He refused to pay and was
pinched. Come get t." he said, but
don't touch my coal which Is mixed
in"
Dominick Fata. arrested on a charge
ofs selling wiskey, was discharged
when Judge. attorney, police and jurors
in arNew York court declined to sample
contents OF a bottle to prove 1t.
The United States, the world is told
by a student Of statistics, has one-third
OF the worlds gold I'VE thought Rookie
feller alone had that much OF IT'D and
one-half OF the coal.
Also, he goes on exultantly, the U.
s. has the largest shipbuilding capacity
on this globe.
All this is. however, a mere drop in
the bucket.
There are other things IN life than
mere gold and coal and ships TO haul
them in.
The L. S. OF Am. will this summer
harvest 81 per cent. OF the worlds
watermelon CROP
Think OF that and give your gray
matter a treat.
And this land OF the brave and the
free has three-fourths Of the ice cream
sodas (plus one cent war tax.
Also, we have 90 per cent. Of the
worlds crop Of baseball with 7is5
leagues all our own. two we divide
with Canada, and the heaviest hitter in
the League OF Nations.
Gem OF the ocean" is RIGHT. And
while we're on the topic-JEWEL OF
the land, tool
All the champion prizenghters live
somewhere between the two Portlands,
and we have two sets Of Siameze twins.
as States. and Republicans insist, one
president A. W. y. L.
Besides all that, the T. 6. A. has 100
per cent. OF Charley Chaplin. the only
Mary Pickford and enjoys the exclu-
sive monopoly OF Bill Hart.
This is the only country that can
manufacture more wine, more beer,
more whiskey than all the rest OF the
world-and NOT.
When Il comes 10 roughhouse stun
- fNWnunaet n
roughhousers. We lynch more citizens.
pick more pockets, sell more wildcat
stocks. shoot more husbands and walk
on more grass than any other people
We have more laws than any other
two countries, and violate more than
any six others.
We hire men 10 make laws for us 10
obey. and then we hire others TO help
disobey them.
This is the only land in which the
traffic CAP has greater authority than
Julius Caesar, Nap. Bonaparte, or Bill
Hohenzollern ever enjoyed.
This. too. Is the only country where
the original inhapitants are penied up
in reservations and have guardians
appointed for them.
We can make enough Of everything
10 stock up the rest OF the world. and
the only fly in the molssses is that
the rest Of the world can't pay for
what they buy.
We have solved every problem, ex-
ceptins these:
who loses the half cent on a 70 10
cent bargaln7
Shall people be permitted to build
homes on good billboard locations?
How to make the half-per cent. taste
Ike the brew Of yesteryears?
How 10 stretch a pay envolpe from
one pay day TO the next?
How to arrange our lives so work
will play an inconspicuous role?
Aside from those little incidentals
we haven't anything on our minds but
our straws. and the wind takes them
of every time we go round the corner.
In briefer language, U. S. Is synoni-
nous with o. X.
pat Leonard. a New York policeman
was 70 undergo a test 10 determine to-
day whether a man can get a glass OF
beer from certain saloon by standing
on the street. A Lieutenant did once.
Home from the war since spring.
Hans Stoves parents at Sioux Falls.
inst received word that he died. in
service.
A Pennsylvania freight train made a
big omelet at Winanmac. Ind. when Il
struck a butter and egg motor truck.
There was a mixture OF cream. butter,
eggs and chickens.