The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1919-09-20
BY WAIT MARLEY.

He was only a barber by profess
sion, but he was somewhat of a phil
osopher on the side. AS he submerged
his customers countenance in great
quantities of lather he discoursed free
ly upon the varied subjects that oc-
cupy the mind of man. In addition to
being a tonsorial artist, the barber is
a walking encyclopedia of information
and he distributes his learning with
lavish tongue. From the Bolshevik
trouble in Russia to the hemp indus
try in the Philippines; from the the
cries of evolution and natural selec-
ton to the making of elderberry wine
and the cultivation of horseradish his
loquacious tongue wanders with the
sure familiarity of small boys feet
around the old swimming hole. In
his conversation he roams the sandy
wastes of the Sahara, sails the purple
waters of the broad Pacific and picks
his way among the ice foes of the
frozen north.
Customer a Banker.
On this occasion his customer was
a banker and between the queries as
to shampoo, massage and hair tonic
the talk was purely of financial mat
tiers. The man of the razor gloried in
the wealth of Kansas and referred to
the exact amount of money in the
banks on January /, 1867. He touched
lightly upon the subject of absconding
desirable and undesirable features of
the banking laws. Then came a panic
and run on a bank, whereupon the
barber flipped the banker from the
check which read: Eighty cents.
Please pay cashier"
The next man who took the chair
with a desire to come out from behind
the brush was a grocer. The pure
food and drugs act was revised and
4 10
expenses were reduced Is per cent and
system was doped out whereby
spoiled fruits and vegetables could be
utilized without loss. 1t was also de-
cided that the weight OF a bushel of
potatoes should be reduced to fifty
five pounds and that keeping a cat
in the store to frighten away rats and
mice was improbable.
Gambler Was Next.
The next man was a professional
gambler of the smoothest type, but the
barber hesitated not to fade" him.
The crap game was followed by a
poker game with $1,000 limit. The
barber drew to four hearts and failed
and the gambler won on pair OF
mines, whereupon the barber sliced a
mole off the back of the gamblers
neck and conversation ceased.
The next man was a preacher and
the barber Immediately rose above the
light of the spiritual From Genesis
to REHABILITATION the dawn of Gre
alton far into the future the uplifting
influence of Christianity was followed
thru the winding corridors of the
years and martyrs of ancient Rome
were made to suffer once more at the
hands of Nero.
The next man was a professor of
biology. All the worlds theological
data were placed on the shelf and the
skeleton of Darwin was dragged from
its tomb and hung on the hat rack
for inspection. From the nebular
hypothesis and the first single-celledl
animacuie, down past the metamor-
phosis of birds and fishes and NAM
moths and reptiles they carried their
dim and Pickering torches thru the
nusty tunnels of time. And then they
died, and that was the end OF 1t.
Next Man q Crouch.
The next mans profession was a
mystery, but that he was a crouch
was plain to be eeen. With this hu-
man representative of gloom the bar
Der bemoaned the high cost OF living
and hung scores of profiteers. They
removed the tariff by its roots. adopt
ed a new national constitution and
wept oceans of briny tears over the
passing of the stuff that made MI
waukee famous. They compelled the
newspa pers to suspend publication be-
cause there is no truth in their col
pmns. eliminated the legislature in
five minutes and almost had the mud