Evening public ledger. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1914-1942, 1919-08-09
THE CHAFFING DISH

"As nearly as possible" he said, rubbing
his hands with triumph. 1T will no longer
be subject to your fits of temper, weariness,
distraction or sloth. You will sit here at
the desk, in this beautifully padded chair.
An automatic news ticker will unroll before
you all the items of the days news that
contain humorous possibilities. 1t will not
be necessary for you to read all the papers
to collect this material In the perfect Sc
clusion and complete silence Of this lovely
apartment you will be able to contemplate
the folly of men with entire abstraction. No
more of those tiresome lunch parties that
use up so much time. When you feel hungry
you will communicate with the chef through
this ivory speaking tube, and in five min
utes your vands will be delivered, on a
silver tray, by this electric dumb waiter.
This is the wardrobe. Here, on these
hangers, you will keep your frock coat and
white margined vest. Note also the electric
trouser- -presSer."
''Frock coat" we cried. "White mar
gined vest? Pressed trousers?"
Naturally" he said, and it seemed to us
that there was touch of sternness in his
voice. I'm these beautiful rooms you will
be expected to live up to your surroundings.
And should have explained that at the ap-
proach of visitors the shelf of corncob pipes
automatically turns round and discloses a
mahogany cigar humidor. OF course, you
would not be permitted to smoke cob when
callers are present. This is the emergency
exit. Through this door a private elevator
takes you down to the porte cochere, where
your car will be waiting. OF course, you
cannot be expected to sully the dignity of
the Dish any longer by going about the
pavements on foot. No longer will you be
harassed by contemplating the daily pano-
rama of ankles, pray as you enter cars,
lunch counters, falling match heads, silk
shirts in shop windows, bank tellers and
people eating banana splits-all the dis
turbing phenomena which have often reused
you to peevish comment. You will be
.whirled in a luxurious limousine from your
cloistered library in the country to your
equally cloistered sanctum here in the Of
fce."
Good heavens, man." we cried in agony.
"How are we ever going to grab off an idea
to write about? Take us back to the dear
old kennel ~
And at this point we woke up.
take it he is re reading the immortal
Eatanswill election in Pickwick before max
ing up his mind whether to endure the hard
ships of mayoralty campaign. These
things are so much more fun to read about
than to live through.
The difference between Hampy Moore and
Dave Lane, we surmise, is the difference
between Island Heights and Atlantic City.
Hampy Moore, we are told, has averaged
seventy five banquets a year for many
years Many will flock to his standard on
hearing this. A man who has so braycly
faced the olives and ice water deserves some
retrbution.
Every time we think we have reached
peace of mind our conscience refuses to
ratify it, and proposes uncomfortable reser-
vations. g
The President says the world is on the
| operating table. And the case is even worse
than that, for there is no nice gentle eyed
sister planet to hold our hand while we 90
through with it.
Desk Notices
Friday tasted life. 1t was a vast
morsel. Emily Dickinson.
Why is 1t that the first match (even when
| Il burns beautifully never gets our pipe lit,
| and the first glance ut our watch never tells
sus the time? Invariably we have to pull
| out the dial,for second reading.
SOCRATES.