The sun., 1919-09-14

nung himself upon strap Dy the tnree-
point suspension Misunderstanding the
thumb and little finger Of the right hand
free TO hold on to such small packages
and furniture catalogues as he could not
hold in his left hand, or deposit under his
high crowned straw after the manner Of
messenger boys; and he was not interfer-
ing in the slightest with the control of the
paper of the gentleman over whom he
jutted and receded by turns with the
swayings of the car-he was merely en-
joying a few moments Of quiet upside
down reading when his eye was drawn to
small art-heading at the top of the left
hand column. 1t read:
0:quL-pea psuvI-IuI eql u!M noGy
That was when he realized, and oathed
and groaned. The future seemed black.
Another column to be read every eve
ming. Another potpourri to read so that
the next door people might not get away
with springing things with the air Of their
being original with them. The
economic losses from 720 hours a year
spent in reading this extra column were
the least consideration. Just adjust the
bifocals.
Pied Spelling!
Dialectl
This time he was really unrestrained,
causing something of a furry in the Ce-
lestial Audit Department, no doubt A
lady half a seat away hoisted her paper
self -preservingly. And on the back
thereof this specimen of the advertisers
art:
"DERE MABEL: You had orto seen me
the other day in Bxzysqvrto suit of
close, what l bot at Cash & Counterfeiter's
big store. Dressy, Mabel. thot of you
the first thing when my brother took off
his sailor close, becoz / thot maybe you
wood like for me to cut off one (1) leg
of the pantz and give it to you for a
SKIRT. Yours till you see me in my new
close when you will be mine, then, eh
Mabelf (sined) BILL"
This was a coup de disgrace, nothing
less. He knew that if the advertisers took
the fad up there would be no making the
world safe for photography.
OF course, that evening he read the
stuff clear down to the final mispunctua-
ton, just as everybody does, but he did
it over protest from his better self It
has been that way in every case so far.
He does not enjoy it but he can't help
himself, any more than one candidate can
forgo reading the pack of lies that the
rival candidate is putting out. He knows
that by all rights and rules he should
call up the office of any newspaper that
prints such stuff and tell them to have
their circulation crew come out at once
and remove his subscription, but he is Just
curious to see at first hand the stuff that
amuses the canaille, the poor moronistie
canaille, of whom he is pleased to fancy
he is not one of which, as Mr. Micawber
should have said.
Personally, he likes his poetry to rhyme,
his art to jell and his photographers to
spell. jazz music about exhausts all the
jazz possibilities SO far as he is concerned,
and syncopated spelling from Josh Bill
ings to Ring Lardner has always seemed
to set him bowling with nose pointed sky
ward, just like the lowliest coote garage
in the canine kingdom.
He believes the American public likes
it. They seem to eat it up, installing the
condiment for the food Personally he
rather regards eating tomato catsup with
tablespoon or buttering your olives and
eating them as bread as something of y
perversion, and when this same thing is
translated into writing it is high time to
break the glass in the little red box, pull
the lever all the way down, and wait to
see if some of the brave fire ladies
thought to hiring a stomach numn