The Butler weekly times and the Bates County record. (Butler, Mo.) 1918-1950, 1919-03-27

CITY Jig-yes
Il ~ been away for 4.
- spell--over in sur
| - - ny Kansas, sd
journing in a city known as til
Il Peerless City of the Prairie lie
city of wide streets and much nois
(also some action). During my sta,
of 10 days there we're two holdup
(outside of the stores) one murder
one man sent to the Pen" for 60
ing away with an auto with mort
gage on it, 4-inch snow and on
tornado-Things looked bit squaw
ly and as they don't like Missourian
any too well, l decided to go Will,
the goin was good. p. SO, yes
and one man was arrested with a, ca,
(auto) full of booze. Prohibition
and the Republican party have JUS
about ruined Kansas Quite so.
l have a fine collection of wal
time recipes that | will sell cheap
Good as new, no two alike, fully in.
dorsed by Hoover. Will sell in
quantities to suit Reasons for sell
ing? They don't taste good and
feel that | have suffered (enough)
for my country. You should have
some OF these for souvenirs to hang
up with your service flags. Beauti-
full for framing Don't miss this op-
portunity. q promise you it won't
happen again. Phone. me and tell
me how many you can use. Huh ?
O., my phone number? You'll find
ii in the phoney book, double-i-
double-o-doublc you yes.
Once when | was boy a good old
man was tryin' to get me to quit
bein' mean and to act more like a
human than wild animal. Said he
to me, DO you know where bad
boys go to when they die?" Sure"
says, |, they go to the graveyard"
| The reason X. Bill made such an
egregious blunder by forcing the
United States into a war was that
he judged the balance of our people
by our city policemen and the repre-
sentatives some districts send to con-
gress.
Now, don't blame ME for this,
amt guilty. But if asked what kind
of hen lays the longest, what
would your answer be? Some of
you would say Leghorn hen, an
other would say Plymouth Rock,
still another would smile and say
why to be sure, the hen who lays
the longest is the hen which lives the
longest. Wrong, all dead wrong.
What's the answer? Again | dis
claim the authorship. wouldn't
perpetrate such vile joke on my
friends, but the hen that lays the
longest is dead hem
| read of a wedding not long since
described thusly: The couple had
never met before. Had never seen
each other, and were blindfolded
when they swore to love and honor
and protect each other (also to d.
vide the work. and after the cere-
mony they separated and never met
again. Now, that's my idea of a l
perfect married life. +. S.-They
lived happily ever after-of course.
Recently | read of the sensations
produced on a woman (of so years
ago. by her first kiss, or when she
was kissed for the first time $50 she
said) | will only mention one of
EN-. She said she felt like bunch
of roses floatin' in a tub of honey"
from which ! infer that kisses wernt
as plentiful so years ago as they are
now, else she wouldn't be able
to recall $50 vividly) the sensations
OF her first one-eh?
| read of two soldiers who when
their boat was delayed at the landing
jumped overheard and swan ashore.
Can you beat it? Now | can very
easily understand that men might
land possibly do) at times swim a
river to (get away from home, but
that any man could be so anxious 10
get back home that he would risk
MS life in an attempt to swim the !.
ocean-well, by golly.
A person asked me to define the ,
word "Rara Avis"-"a rare Bird /
'eplied. Give an example, said he,
md ! promptly answer, "a pill ped
Her who knows what ails you before :
'ou tell him.
Perfectly Scandalous-From the
New York Sun-It's getting to be
perfectly scandalous the way May is G
lirting. with Old Man January. Evil :
o him who evil thinketh, Pope
avs. There's, nothing either good
n bad. It's thinking makes it SO.
Clothing Valued at $1,000 Stolen"
Headline. By jings, l didn't think d
here was that amount of clothes in
he world. Wisht l had some of 4
IN, so that l wouldn't have to hide
ut in the smoke ouse when CON- 8
any comes. 4
l met a chap t'other day who Il
boxed about as cheerful as a paH
carer at charity funeral. He a,
'oked plum hopeless to me. v
sked Gas doctor would) what ails
e" Said he, II been gassed." y,
What WITH" / asked, "musterole?" "
No." he replied, Il been gassed by h,
soldier from training camp" P.i
I'm lookin' for an epidemic of r
lese gas attacks. II
T'other day l heard an awful COM
lotion out in the chicken yard. On E,
lvestigating l found that one of 'em
i'd laid an egg. They all seemed e.
} be denyin' the charge and were Il
akin as much noise as a bunch of
omen at a quiltin' bee. You see it a,
ID been so long since any of them u
al naesf Anfsn, 1nun al =