The Richmond Virginian. (Richmond, Va.) 1910-1920, 1919-06-25
Near Murder Required to
Get Drink Of Cold Water in
London, Says ssWriter Cuy'

VI PHaHs Just listening 10 tHdt year
ling fighting for glass OF ice-water
with his smoked fish and "porrige."
Bill, that man never wasted more
heroism in front OF a machine-gun
nest in the Argonne.
And whatd he get? Listen. Bill:
He got teapot-full of boiling hot
water and the waitress gave notice
TO the head guy right then and there.
She wasn't going to serve any more
mad Ameuricans"
I'm no longer mad Ainurican"
Bill. I'm just sorrowful. Only way |
can get pitcher OF ice water in this
town is TO go to the ice-h house with
"A pitcher in my hand--just plain rush
ing the GROWER. as 1t were-and |
haven't the nerve to ride three miles
on top of a bus with a glass pitcher
in my hand. Honestly, l haven't! I've
seen guys riding bus with wooden
leg; but I've never seen anybody take
his seat or the hurricane deck with
a glass pitcher with the intent and
purpose, as the district attorney
says in his indictment. of going to
the ice-house for pitcher Of ice
water.
Which may be neither here nor
there. Bill. Be that as II may as the
Democratic speelbinder said when he
unbuckled himself from that speech
against old Senator Warren down in
your town when ] was residing in
your midst; what do you think of
Are you there?' on the telephone?
Old Vaudeville Stuff.
OF course. this old stuff with the
vaudeville circuit back in the effete
East: hut out Wyoming way. Bill. it
may drag a laugh out from under
your suspenders.
You know: Get on the phone nice
and friendlylke and fight about ten
inmates to get your right number
THIN the short -combed rooster at the
other end takes down his receiver
and says, Are you there"
Only he doesn't say it like it's spelt.
Bill. He says. "Ahyu' theah?"
Well, what's man going to do
under those circumstances If you
answer. No; I'm down round Caspar
way. picking Strawberries. you'll
crab the whole works. and like as not
you'll go to the Tower for high
treason. The right answer is. Yes
I'm here. Hows the Missis and all
the kids? And then you go out and
take walk along the emba nkment
and look at the holes the German
bombs punched through the impor-
tant places in the SPHINX at the foot
of the Obelisk and call 1t day
Maybe I'm boring you stiff with all
this chatter. Bill; and if YOU read it
to the boys be sure there's no sheep
men around to add to their displeas-
ure. But Ike Just got to, unbelt lot
OF this stuff before it fermcnts inside
me and spoils my naturally happy dis
position. And speaking of neckties,
Bill
You know, over here in London
theh,re mig htF- shy on what YOU might
call the spectral colors in ties THEY'LL
sell YOU a handkerchief made of silk
Whlchs cot all the colors of an oil
hre down Salt river way woven into
II; but you're not supposed to do any,
ihlng with this flag of the Whosis Re-
public except wear il in the outside
pocket of your jacket with the ends
showing fancy-like. You don't dust
on your shoes with it when you're
hitting town after long ride in from
the range. and YOU don't wipe off Your
chin with il after boring into the old
Yorkshire ham and plymouth Rocks.
You just show it proudlike.
But when you ask the man behind
the counter in the gents furnishing
store to trot out his ties-Boy, howdy,
He shows you a layout whichs left
over from the time they buried
George the Three, and the whole ma
ton went in mourning Blacks with
white fiy-specks and dark gray with
pale blue f1yspecks and lust plain
black for sporting" You know. Bill
what sporting" is-coing on the
river. which is the Thames (pro-
nounced "Tims") and pushing a boat
around with long. pole; that's
| sporting"
Panama Hat for sports
ant Oh.
and be regular wolf, hunting free of
the pack, you go to a haberdashors
/ store and buy you black tie with
faint gray stripe and a Panama hat
| (which mustn't be worn in London
BIZ. only when you're sporting1, and
you're rigged for regular medicine
dance. | know an American, Bill. who
sifted into this town with a flock of
ties he'd bought in Joliet. Iu.--the
Kind which hook in tho back--and the
frat time he oozed out of his hotel
wearing one of these Texas northers
"A Covent garden flower woman who
hadn't drawn a sober breath since tho
jubilee tainted. and had to be taken
to st. stephens on the Mount or some
such hospital
OF course. could amble on and tell
YOU how an Englishman always pours
his salt on the side OF his plate, and
swahs his food in il instead of sitting
the salt on top of the eats proper, and
how he says. I'm sorry" when he
bumps into you accidental on the
street, and ii isn't your place TO an
swer him back. Som L." and all
that. But what's the use?
Hoping the Burlngton's run that
spur up Clear creek right into your
town and that Old Joe LeFors hasn't
dropped all he's got in that new oil