The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1919-08-17
The Funniest Men That EUer Lived
Intimate Sketches of the Eccenc
ties, Their FOlEes and Their FOibIes.
RxRoII LYNnEu

whiskey, Fitch left it lay" A model
husband, a model father, and a model
citizen, he even kept straight during a
term in the Illinois State Legislature.
am glad of that. Otherwise, how could
have counted upon the unfailing ar
rival of my daily morning eye-opener?
But you muff it awfully, if you conclude
that George Fitch had no relish for ex-
element At Knox College (the original
of good old Siwash) he joined the Moo
Kow Moos"-or was it the Eta Bita
Pies and terrorized the town. So be
! it.
At the establishment where L incurred
what some have wittily called my edu-
cation, we did worse. Moreover while
| Fitch steered clear of motorcycles. he
got his material for MY Demon Motor
Boat" at first hand, and wrote, feeling
| ly, "a motor boat is a small, frail vessel
afflicted with a gasoline engine and an
amateur mechanic. When the engine is
in full cry and the mechanic is making
threats, the boat sometimes develops
speed of fifty miles an hour in it's eff
forts to get away from both of them"
But think he loved automobiles better,
even, than motorboats.
Like Fitch, l am Interested in
motorcycles and wish them WELL but
| prefer to get the thrills at second
hand, as he did, for there is no dis
Vest Pocket Essays" that "a motor
cycle is bicycle with a pandemonium
attachment and is designed for the es-
pecia1 use of mechanical geniuses,
daredevils and lunatics. A good ma
chine can be purchased for $3.50. How
ever. If the devotee does not possess
. $3.50. he can get almost as good re-
suits by drinking a little Iubricating
OIL inhaling a vacuum cleaner and
setting off two bushels of fire-crack-
ers between his legs"
Oh. those west Pocket Essays For
years at stretch 1 used them as a
daily morning eye-opener, and #
/ George Matthew Adams had no other
claim, his services in scattering them
around through the newspapers would
be enough to vindicate his hope of
celestial bliss. 1t was a great thing
that certainty while it lasted, of
daily morning eye-opener. and who but
George Fitch with Adams to fetch It
along, SO to speak, on a tray) could
have furnished the daily morning eye
opener?
am not fooling when I call it that
1t was that precisely 1t opened our
eyes to hidden realities, for truth Is
not by any means so candid as she
seems, The old girl has a ridiculous
side and tries hard to conceal it, and
Fitch achieved nationwide fame by
showing it up. A few examples:
A FEW ESSAYS"
Fitch on F'inanciers: "a financier
is a man who can make 50 grow for
himself where one grew for someone
else before. If a financier had doll
lar and needed two, he would use the
dollar as first payment on a $40 bill,
and he would bond the bill for a $40
gold piece and would charge SIS for
doing this. Then he would sell the
option on the $40 gold piece at SIT for
81 down to As people, and then would
dispose of a half-interest in the en-
tire transaction for $3.50, 50 down and
the rest payable in short-term notes"
Fitch on Love: Love can be cured,
but it is not worth while. It is TOO
fascinating in it's terrible progress
The best treatment is to allay it and
mitigate it by means of marriage
There is as much love after marriage
as before. but it leaves the brain whore
it has been messing things up and goes
down into the heart where it belongs"
AN automobile so he explained, lis
a large steel and rubber continuance for
transforming gasoline into speed. luxury,
excitement and obituaries. 1t can trans
port seven people from the front porch
to the police station, the bankruptcy
court or the golden gates in less time
than any other contrivance."
He marveled at its rapid evolution.
The automobile" he affirmed, lis enc