The Washington times., 1919-02-13
Two THREE
"BUGS" BAER

Well, Brighteyes, the old two per
cent stuff will soon have the works
by the tail with a downhill puii.
Wen pipe two per cent tenors chirp-
ing Coming Thro' the Rye diluted
down to BeevO strength. The only
place where that tive per cent bunk
won't 60 is where the boys 90 to re
deem their watches. The two Der
cent doesn't mean any more to a
loan buzzard than table etiquette
does to a razorback hog. A bird
will kick in two per cent cash for an
auto that will only buzz two per cent
Of the time. Fair enough.
A halibut-eyed sapp will be dragged
up the old orange blossom gangplank
by stalwart chinned veteran debu-
tante while all her incurable relatives
pack the exit and cut of his retreat
The orchestra will be chirping Drink
to Ne Only With Thine Two Per Cent
Eyes" and the best man will be stick
ing the acid test to the per cent gold
ring.
The works will be splashed up with
the usual vegetable and floral deco
rations that disguise abbatoirs where
they slaughter bachelors. The groom
will be looking about 3 per cent less
than 2 per cent happy. The minister
will close the gossip with:
do you promise to love, honor and
obey this sapp?"
The needIe-nosed bride will take
one slant at the buttOn-eyed bride
groom and chirp:
Sure. About ? per cent"
Then the minister will make 'em
per cent. The poor gOof of a groom
has lost per cent by the transaction.
He gets even by slipping the minis
ter a . per cent fee. Science will al
Yea, bo.
Congress promises us Il per cent |
stuff next drinking season. Two per |
cent kick and 10 per cent war tax |
Add It up.
Beevo is something like the measles. |
Bad even at its best.
You said IL.
When they take the drinks out Of |
Broadway restaurants, those places /
will be as hollow as an old tooth. 1
Won't be anything in 'em. They took |
the food out years ago.
Well, let 'em have it their way. But
it seems a shame TO see the flea wag-
ging the dog. By the time that we
all get , per centing around, we are
going TO be a very diluted nation.
The only thing we ever saw correct
at per cent was the kitty in a poker
game.
This two per stuff is the old oil.
The bunk over in Europe, the diplO-
matte weasels are trying 10 boil down
President Wilson's fourteen points to
- p a q n vii
raise a squawk that will only be two
per cent short of million.
Trick breakfast foods that are only
two per cent straw and sawdust
won't be so bad, but there won't be
much nutrition extracted from a sub
way ride that is two per cent ride and
the other ninety-eight per cent ell
bows.
The oily part about the whole junk
is that they never dilute the prices.
The old milkman slips you a quart
OF the best fluid from the COW with
the iron tail. It contains about two
per cent milk with water in a huge
ma jority. Can you slip him cash di-
luted with ninety eight per cent rain2
When the butcher parks a one-pound
steak on the scales and then pats Il
with an affeCtiOnate hand until the
dial registers two pounds, does he
allow you 70 weigh your hand with
dime and slip him the result? We're |
here TO say that he doesn't.
Wen feel sorry for you. buddy. but
two per cent doesn't mean the price,
which is stilI higher than the mer-
curry in a thermometer in Hades.
The best you get is the worst Of it. 4
nd when they take away your old !
tobacco, you can put it in your pipe
and smoke IL.