The sun., 1919-07-21
FLOOD ON THE sTANp.
Report Of an Imaginary Examina.
ton.

A. Yes, sir. that is my ambition.
Q. What are your qualifications for
the position?
A. l do not understand what you mean
by the word Qualifications" II my sec
rotary was only here he could tell me
what the word qualifications" means
and then could answer your question ;
but 1t is not fair to me to ask me aues-
lions with words like qualifications" in
them when my secretary that pay
money to for the purpose Of knowing
words like that Is not present
Q. What mean, Mr.. Flood, Is this
Do you think yourself At to educate the
people OF the United States?
A. Yes, sir.
q, What makes you think SO?
A. Because am an idealist.
Q. What, Mr.. Flood, do you under
stand by being an idealist?
A. An idealist, so my secretary tells
me. II l recollect correctly, Is q man who
Is full OF idealism.
Q. Precisely. And did your secretary
ever tell you what idealism is?
A. Not as recollect Of.
Q. What should you say yourself that
idealism Is?
A. ] wouldn't answer that question
without / consulted my secretary. hire
a secretary that knows in a minute where
to fnd the answers TO questions like that.
| wouldn't answer a question like that
offhand.
q. But YOU would say, offhand, That
you we're At to change the beliefs OF the
people Of America and give them new
beliefs?
A. Yes, sir.
O. Why are you At to do that?
A. Well, for one thing, I'm worth
good deal Of money. make good deal
Of money myself. / got efficiency.
Q. Mr.. Flood. who discovered Amer
lea?
A wouldn't like TO say, offhand. i
hire men to know things ike mat
O. What is the United States OF Amer
lea, Mr. Flood. an oligarchy or a mon
archical state?
A. don't intend to answer any ques-
lions about religion. ! amt going to get
myself in bad on religious subjects when
my secretary amt here.
Q. Mr.. Flood who was Machiavelli7
A. He was a prominent lrishman In
his time. in the early days.
Q. Are you sure he wasn't Scotch
man?
A. He was both. He was a Scotch
lsishman.
@. Mr.. Flood, state In your own Ian
guage what you know about George
Washington and the Cherry Tree
A. Well. sir, he was hung TO IT. 1t Is
my recollection that my secretary says
he was hung to 1t. i pay my secretary
good money, and he knows where all
them books are with questions and an
swers like that. pay my men well. and
they got to know things like that, or /
FIRE them l believe in efficiency. l got
enough money 30 I hire people like that.
| made II myself. Business genius Is
what this country needs in It's education.
and I got business genius and efficiency.
A lot of prominent writers say l got
genius and efficiency.
@, Mr.. Flood. who was Daniel Web
ster?
A. He was the President OF the United
States that wrote the dictionary and the
Constitution. l seen his name on the
dictionary myself. Ny secretary has got
big room full OF dictionaries and his
tories and reference books and constitu-
lions and things like that They cost me
a good deal OF money. But what I want
is a room full OF books full OF things that
he can turn to in a minute. l got enough
money so that could have n thousand
rooms like that full OF books and high
salaried secretaries. II I wanted them. I
seen lot OF long words come out of this
man Webster's dictionary and constitu-
ton. My secretary took EN- out and put
'em into my speeches and articles and
books I write. A long word aln't any
more expensive than short word, and I
give the people the best there is
Q, Mr., Flood. what do you understand
by declension and conJugation"
4. Well, sir, I never listened to any
OF this sex talk. or talked any Of IT..
or paid any one to have any CT 1t talked
into my interviews and articles.
don't believe in II. This sex talk Amt
moral and 1t Amt proper. All them
things about the nude in art and in
novels Is nothing to me- but my secre-
tary knows about them,
9. Mr. Flood. what is the equator:
a. 1t is something that comes out Of
a volcano down South
O. What is lava?
A. II was used in lavatorie5 in the
carly days. 1t was a kind Of soap they
used in old fashioned lavatories in the
early days before they got this new
liquid soap.
@. Mr. Flood, you wanted to go to the
United States Senate, did you not so
that you could educate the people of the
United States?
A. Yes, sir.
O. What is the United States Senate?
A. Why. everybody knows that. The
United States Senate is place in Wash
ington. II is there in the Capitol Build
ing and is given over TO the usages OF
United States Senators What is the
use OF asking me silly questions Ike
what is the United States Senate"
@ How did the United States Senate
come into existence?
A.. amt up on Bible history.
never pretended TO be. But | got a
preacher on my stan who could tell you
in a minute.
O. What is theology?
4. 1t is when YOU dig in the ground
and find rocks. You have them assayed
by a chemist. II Is done by scientists
| got n lot OF scientists working for me.
pay them good money
O. Haven't you got theology confused
with zoology or geology, Mr. Flood
A. Maybe have. don't pay any
attention to little details like that. !
hire men to keep me straight on them
details and ologies,
Q. What do you understand by con-
chology?
A. Conchology is the ology Of a conch.
l thought everybody knew what con-
chology was.
O. What Is the difference between
entomology and etymology?
A. Well sir, seen some Of both. One
was In a leather bound book and one
was in a green cloth bound book with
gold title. II my secretary was here he
could tell you which book was which in
a minute.
@. Mr.. Flood. when you become the
head OF the educational system OF the
United States upon what theory OF edu-
cation will you proceed?