davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1919-02-23

KAISER-Hum! Well, go ahead!

KAISER-Hum! Well, go ahead!
(Undertaker takes out tape measure and
measures the Kaiser)
KAISER (thoughtfully)--O course, I'd
be tickled to death to wear hussar uni
form again.
UND. (measuring)-It will fit exactly
If your majesty means that literally, you
shall have it,
KAISER-You are impertinent. Come, Til
buy that uniform from you.
UND.-It is not for sale, majesty Graf
Bentinck ordered it for a special purpose
KAISER-Bentinck is vampire al
ways did think he was half English
UND.-Yes, sir The vampire on whom
the sun never sets. (Finishes taking meas
urements) There will be no difficulty about
the casket, your majesty.
KAISER-The casket?
UND.-Yes, sir. Regular stock size.
have very desirable one reserved on Graf
Bentinck's order. Solid ebony, guaranteed
worm and vermn proof.
Schrecklichkeit!
UND.--f not found up to specificatio lions
we will gladly exchange it within year.
KAISER Qaughs insanely)-Ha! ha! ha!
All you need now is some one to fill it, hey?
UND.-Satin-lined, quilted with royal
purple. You might be interested in our
catalogue, your majesty. Order blank in
closed. Hands him catalogue)
KA1SER-I must see Bentinck about all
this. Poor old chap. I had no idea his
heart was queer. What morbid idea to
have a dress rehearsal Where is he
now?
UND.-Out in tie lighthouses, your
majesty, having some wreaths made. ! told
him it was little early to cut the flowers,
they wilt so quickly, but he said it would be
all over by 5 o'clock
KAISER-Shades of Attila! Why, he'll
hardly be cold enough to bury by then.
UND.-Oh, we'll, dare say it'll turn out
all right. The doctor promised to find
remains for US.
kAISER-Yes, but whose?
UND.--I don't know, but he told me it
was all fixed up
KAISER One of his patients has died,
| suppose.
UND.-Oh, he's not dead yet
KAISER-That doctor is a ghoul--
CND.-But he said he's as good as dead
kA1SER-Well, we'll, suppose it's kind
of CHASTITY joke. Of course, you don't really
need a-a-remains-for a mere dress re-
hearsal.
UND.-Oh, yes-it's very bad luck to
have funeral without buryng some one.
KAISER-Bad luck for whom? | should
say it good luck for the chap who
wasn't buried.
UND.-You can't always tell just what is
good luck and what isn't.
KAISER-It seems pity to throw awav
a pageant like that on some poorhouse
pauper.
UND.-That's just what I told Graf Ben
timex, your majesty. That's why 1 was
hoping
KA1SER-Hoping what, you rascal?
uND.-Well--it is opportunity your
majesty. Think of all those lovely flowers.
SO fresh and fragrant Why, they'll be
faded by Tomorrow
KAISER (sezes revolver and threatens
undertaker) Enough of this nonsense. Get
out of here, or you'll have that quilted
purple for yourself
UND. (retreating And the hussar uni
form, your majesty?
kAISER-Get QUIT When I need Won I'll
send for you
OND.-Auf wiedersehen, majesty! (Exit)
RAISER (walks uneasily about the ROOM
Was ever a so harassed! Sein oder
m1cht sem, dos ist jetzt die Frage! Good old
Shakespeare, he was wasted on those bar
barians--
(Undertaker opens door and sticks his
head in.)
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1919-02-23

BENTINCK-But I couldn't dream Of
disappointing the undertaken Such nice
fellow, and he has taken great fancy to
me.
kA1SER-He has taken fancy to me
too. In fact, he promised the uniform to
me if | wanted it. You can get along with
something else. You have uniforms of your
own. l have nothing here except this
damned mutt.
BENTINCK-No, you must let me have
my way. l am little obstinate about this
The affair is to be something quite out of
the ordinary.
KAISER getting angrvl-But what right
have you to wear a hussar uniform if l
want it? l am your superior officer.
BENTINCK-Don't make it hard for me.
1t is very painful to refuse you anything.
Now sit down and enjoy your flowers. You'll
think better of this later on. | hope III
see you at the ceremony. -Four o'clock
sharp.
KAISER-I insist on your letting me have
that uniform
BENTINCK-There, there, old chap, let
me have my little fling. 1t will be delight
full
KAISER-Curse your obstinacy! I know
what you want; you want me to be buried
in civilian clothes. ri spite you'll
BENTINCK-You must excuse me, the
guard of honor is waiting l have to give
them some final instructions. Now don't
miss the event, it'll be worth seeing. EXIT
KAISER '(fuming) Hartnackger
Schwein! What kind of host is that!
"Opens door and shouts) Rosner.
enter Rosner)
ROSNER-Zu Befehl, majesty.
kAlSER-Never mind that letter to Herr
Wilson. Pm not going to send it.
ROSNER- Very good, majesty.
KA1SER-Now, Rosner, ! have heard Of
a magnificent opportunity to get in on
good thing To get in on the ground foor'
in fact. Kindly obey my instructions to
the letter
ROSNER-Implicitly, sir.
KAISER (handing him roll of galley
proofs)-Give this to The Associated Press
correspondent. Tell him it is released for
publication. And here (picks up pile Of
MS, take the manuscript and send it to the
publishers
ROSNER-Yes, majesty.
KAISER-Telephone to the village at
once and tell the undertaken to send up
that Hussar uniform.
ROSNER-Fest darauf, majesty, Exit
KAISER (wildy)-I'll fool Bentinckl
The selfish old ape. PAGES mady about
the room. His eye falls on the tumbler OF
! +bo
Gle draws himself up, salutes with su-
peru precision, and drink the poison. Dies
with appropriate gesture, utterance and
convulsion, according to the taste and IN
clination of the actor
(After the audience has thorough
grasped the fact that the Kaiser is dea'-~
the door opens, and enter Bentinck ana
Countess Bentinck, chuckling)
BENTINCK-I thought the uniform Stun
would do the trick
COUNTESS Great work. I'll have tc
phone the butcher.
BENTINCK-Well, now for the great
ceremony! Overtaken by the undertaken
Goes to door and calls to undertaken
outside) Hi, embalmer! Bring on tbs
quicklime
(Returns to centre of stage and ioo~s
down at the corpse, rubbing his hands WIZ
glee)
Honestly, Pm tickled to death
COUNTESS-Yo mean he was.
lCURTAIN.
(AU dramatic rights reseTved by Ihe
QuthOr) g.
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1919-02-23

THE DOCTOR.
THE UNDERTAKEN.
~ CENE-The Kaiser's bedroom at Amer
ongen. comfortable room with
four-poster bed, dressing table and
~ cheyal glass, chairs and q writing
table bearing typewriter and a mass of
manuscript papers. By the bed is small
medicine table, with bottles and glasses,
particularly one large bottle labelled
POISON On the bureau is large photo of
the Kaiser in full uniform. volume of
Shakespeare in one of the chairs.
When the scene opens Countess Bentinck
is discovered making the Kaiser's bed.
There are several pillows, which she con-
templates with surprise.
COUNTESS-Wonder why he uses so
MANY pillows? To prevent rush of brains
to the head, l suppose.
"a revolver drops out from under the
pillows as she makes the bed. She picks it
up)
All, that's what he needs-a rush of bull
lets to the head!
puts revolver on medicine table. Picks
up the bottle marked POISON and holds it
to the light to see if any of the contents
have been taken.) Didn't take drop!
(Pours out some of the liquid into tum
bier and places it on table by typewriter.
Returning to the bed she finds four hot
water bottles at the foot, inside the blan-
kets.)
Heavens! You might think he was cent
ipede!
enter Bentnck genial looking person
with side whiskers, both on his face and
in his mind. He has a puzzled and de-
pressed demeanor and carries coil of
rope)
BENTINCK-Any luck?
COUNTESS-Not bit. He didn't touch
the laudanum
BENTINCK-Never mind Persistence al
ways wins. I've brought him another little
hint. (Shows a very suggestive moose in
the end of rope and lays it on the bed in
plain view)
BENTINCK-( Jocularly)-Of course, this
is entirely entire moose.
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1919-02-23
CHARACTERS

COUNTESS BENTINCK.
COUNT BENTINCK.
THE EX-KAISER.
KARL ROSNER.
THE DOCTOR.
THE UNDERTAKEN.
The Washington times., 1919-09-06
BOLSHEVTK KILL
23U.S. SOLDIERS
Slain Yanks Part Of Detach-
ment Trying to Keep Or
der Near V1adivostok.

LONDON. Sept. 6.-The killing OF
twenty-thFee American soldiers by
Russian BOlsheviks in an outbreak
near VladivOstock was reported in a
delayed cablegram from Tokyo to the
Daily Express today The slain
Americans were part Of q detach-
ment OF seventy-fouT men who were
assisting the authorities to keep
order.
There are now 5000 American sol
diers in the vicinity of Vladivostock.
but this number is said to be greatly
inadequate IL the general populaee
should become hostile.
Destruction by rowing bands Of
Reds. interference with railway COM
munication by "free lance" forces.
such as the detachments Of Cossacks
led by General SemenoV, and strikes
are producing very unsatisfactory
state Of affairs in Far Eastern Rus
sia, Tokyo, reported.
Trouble is brewing on the tTans-Si-
berian railway. tie only link between
European Russia and the Pacific
coast
The inter-aliied mission at VIadi-
vostock Is making protests and Is
seeking the removal of General
Semeniv.
The Washington times., 1919-09-06
PICK OF YANKS TO
ESCORT PERSHINC
Six-footers to Be Parade
Honor Guard-General VIII
Ride Own Charger.

NEW YORK, Sept. 6.-The eompos-
lite regiment which is returning home
with General Pershing on the trans
port Leviathan, composed Of all pick
ed men, nearly all Of whom are more
than six feet in height, will act as
special guard OF honor TO the COM
mander-in-ehief OF the American Ex.
peditionary Forces during the great
parade down Fifth avenue next Wed.
nesday.
General Pershing will ride his own
sorrel charger, "Kidron," followed
Immediately by q flag-bearer carry.
ing a banner with four white stars,
denoting the generals rank. Then
will come the composite regiment,
which became known throughout
France as "Pershing's Own" Men
were picked from all Of the seven
American overseas divisions Of the
regular army to make up this regi-
ment, numbering 1900 men.
Veterans who have been dischafg-
ed from the service and wish to re-
turn to their units and march in the
pageant have been ordered to report
for temporary duty and equipment by
Monday morning. The remainder Of
the First division reached here yes
terday on five transports.
Pershing Is due 70 dock Monday
morning.
The Washington times., 1919-09-06

ragher. Ernest Anderson, august New
Ian, NintOn KOons, Melvin KoOns,
Maurice Crawford, end Paul Rauscher
held Up "E" divisions end, and when
the time came and the word "Go"'
given there began q grunti' and
cheering and painting that en- rhen
3D. pulled "E" across Il chalk
marks.
They lined up again. This time
Eddie Davis slipped, Pat Byrne loosed
his hold on the rope just q second
too long and "E" Division, the lighter
team, gained a little advantage. For
second both teams were even.
Neither gained an inch and it looked
like a tie. Just then however, the
auditor OF the District Of Columbia
came running on the field and Joined
the rooters.
Pull, you fellows, pull!" he yelled,
and "E' division pulled to such an
extent that the opposing team was
pulled all the way across the line.
Toss Up cOIn.
They lined up again, but not until
after Mr.. Donovan had insisted q coin
be tossed 20 decide the team which
should have the advantage of the
slight grade. Eddie Davis lost the
toss, and Frankie Shrout won. For
the third time they lined up. This
time Eddie failed 10 slip. every boy
heaved together, and before Frankie
Shrouts team could get started. the
match was over. and "D" division
proclaimed winner
After the meet Mr.. GerIsh gave
each boy q chance at the grab bag.
Some drew horns, others fshed out
tiny wagOnA while others found a
bag Of peanuts. 7 IN, each with a
shining nickel in h hnd to pay his
way home on the 4 and wait for
The Times to reach the distributing
points, the youngsters left the field,
shouting and cheering the victors,
promising q repetition OF their vic
tory, and the vanquished prOphesying
a different story at the next contest.
The Washington times., 1919-09-06
Yea, Verify They Fought
Right To A Standstil,
These Business Men"

There was something doing" over
at the First and Nj streets northwest
Fairgrounds yesterday afternoon. II
you don't believe il, so over to the
office OF District Auditor Donovan,
this morning and ask him why he
came running cut Of his apartment
in his shirt sleeves yesterday afteS-
noon and added his voice to those
fifty or sixty young business men
watching the tug-of-war between a
score or 50 OF painting young men.
And ask him why it was he insist
ed on having q coin tossed in the air
TO decide which side should have the
advantage Of the slight doWn-grade
in the tug~of-War. II you do, 1Fr
Donovan probably viii lay aside his
work and tell you 81 was roofing
for that z division team because they
were lighter than those boys from D
division, and they were pulling like
coed sports nevertheless. Sure I was
yelling, and you would have been
yelling too II you had been there to
zee IL
Lest ny Hairs Breadth.
And IL you had been there you
probably would have Joined Miss
Susie Root Rhodes and Daniel Dono-
van on the sidelines and become just
as excited as they did when z di-
vision tied the score, then lost by a
hairs breadth. But this s. getting
ahead Of the story.
Yesterday afternoon marked the
second contest between the divisions
Of distributors OF The washington
Times.
The two divisions. GDs and '.E,"
distribute The Washington Times in
the northeast sections Of the city
respectively. In line with a plan in
augurated to arouse interest in, ath-
letics on the part Of these young
business men"-for busy men have
little time, as q rule, for athletics-
q series Of held meets between diff
ferent divisions Of the city has been
arranged, and yesterdays was the
second Of the series. Divisions y and
Z clashed. And IL was some clash.
Eddie Davis, fourteen, and red
headed, showed up on the grounds at
12:45 o'clock and presented himself
TO Arthur A. GeFish. who was 20 man
age the affaiT.
''rhe rest Of my team win be here
The Washington times., 1919-09-06
$4,000 YANKS IN
SCHOOL IN FRANCE

A quarter million American men,
the majority of them soldiers and
some from Washington, are attend
ing schools in France this year. They
are entered in q course which gradu-
ates them from primer study to eiigi-
bility for q Doctors degree. Their
average age is twenty-five years.
Schools where men might learn Go
read and wrate also have been es-
tAblished In nearly every army post.
It IS practically a compulsory system
Of education for illitsrate6. All stu
dents are supposed to be able to un-
derstand the English language and
write 1t before they return to
America
The Washington times., 1919-09-06

in q minute" sad Captain Davis. "and
were prepared to show those fell
lows from the Northeast they've got
to go some to put anything over on
u.s.
Franklin shrout fifteen, and rather
dignihed, followed within a few min
utes and reported to Mr.. Gerish
The other felloWs'll be here in a
minute. From the way they're talk
In those guys from over in North
west have got to show something il
they want to win anything from US"
he said.
And &c wasn't more than a few min
utes, either, before the two teams
followed their captains on the held.
II was a typical gathering Of boys
old.
"COek FIEht7 First.
A nearby tennis court proved an GE-
eelient spot for the first event, a
"ceck fight" Holding one foot In
one hand two boys entered the ring,
and the victor was the one who
knocked his opponent from the circle.
In this frst battle 'E'' division put
Il all over ID" and there was shout
ing and yelling by the boys from
northeast, while the youngsters from
ID" quiet and determined, let it be
known that the end was yet far away.
Melvin KOons, 419 Fourth street north
east; Tommy Rafferty,, 4O6 H north
east, and ElWin Kinder, from Mt.
Rainier, the latter with a black eye
and swollen lip, showing his proclivi-
ties. as a serapper, won the match for
the northeast section OF the city,
knocking their, opponents out Of the
ring as fast as they came up.
The next event was the rope-climb.
ing contest, which was easily won by
Eddie Davis for "D" division. Eddie
climbed a ffteen-foot rope, hand over
hand, and made the descent in six sec
onds, q score not touched by his near
est competitor, Franklin Shrout, who
had a sore thumb and couldn't catch
a-hold of the darn thing like
oughtta."
Tug-Of-WaF Last.
But the fnal contest came in the
tug-of-war. Eddie Davis, Leo Craven,
Harold Melic. Patrick Byrne, the four
biggest boys in "D" division, aided by
half dozen OF the smaller fellows, took
hold Of one end OF the rope. Franklin
Shrout, Tommy Rafferty,. Frank Car
The Washington times., 1919-09-06
YANKS' WIDOW GETS
HIS CROSS Of WAR

ST. LOUIS. Sept 6.-For the nrst
time in the history Of the St Louis
army recruiting office, q Croix de
Guerre was presented to the widow
OF q soldier killed in action. NrG.
Margaret Stevens Ward, received the
recoration awarded for the bravery
Of her husband, Major Lyman c.
Ward. Of this city, who was killed
while leading his battalion OF the
324th Infantry.
Col. John II. Parker had chErre Of
the services and read the following
citation OF Marshal Petafn, Of the
French army:
Major Lyman c. Ward, or the Sz4
Infantry an officer of remarkable
courage, at the head Of his battalion
captured enemy positions in the
woods OF hanheu1les and HAudio-
mont to depeh OF two kiloneters.
He protected the right flank OF the
161st Brigade, and the left flank Of
his regiment He died on the field
OF honor"
Major Ward. who was the second
youngest major in the A. Z. F., re-
sided all his life in Washington. His
mother, Mrs. Ellen Madison Ward. re.
sides at 4406 Kansas avenue north
west
The Washington times., 1919-09-06
WINE CELLAR BANDITS
LOOT CHOICE STOCKS

Los ANGELES, Cal, Sept. 6.
Wine cellar bandits" are working in
Los Angeles. Those persons who
feVerishly stocked up for the lonR
dry sPeu are putting extra padIocks
on doors housing their wet" hold
ings.
n. Horwetz was the first to appeal
TO the police for aid. 'Horwetz re.
porteo a mysterious and thirsty
oenolt oroke the lock on the door Of
MS VINE cellar and took away twenty
quarts OF bottled wine.
The Washington times., 1919-09-06
Pope Follows Lead Of
King Emmanuel IN Gift
To Peasantry Of Italy

LONDON, Sept. 6.-The Pope in
tends to follow King Victor EN-
manUeTs' example by making a
generous gift to the Deople Of
Italy, said an Exchange Telegraph
dispatch from Rome today.
The Washington times., 1919-09-06
Mr.. J. G. Emboden,
Pros3unG Of de mmo;S Evo, ,SAOcf
Association,
ONeaenR. m
DIR, N. .

'There is industry that know anything about HzR has
been handled as negen6y and at the time condemned
has been the live stock and meat industry Of the nao Do
not believe there is industry in which the supposed pO
have been great and the actual profits little the I've
stock and meat industry beginning with the producer and gong
right down through the packers and to the retailer until
it gets the consumer come in competition with the packers
in buying my product and with other feeders the buying Of
products AS to the stock yards have complaint to make
as to their mana cement, or the commission firms.
"There nothing in this bill that will add to the eHcy
of the industry but will add to the cost Of operating There
Is qestou but that the packing industry operated with
small percentage of profit They doing great volume Of
business The stock yards under packer ownership have been
efficiently fairly and economically managed As to refrigerator
cars do why should divorce system that ehi
neny satisfactory and efficiently managed to the advantage Of
all commemorative producer the packer and the consumer
and undertake 70 establish system that might not be so eff
GENTLY managed"
The Washington times., 1919-09-06
MIR. M. o. Bement,
East BuEalo Live Ssock AsoOcialion,
East RuFalo, Nssp YoFk

he Buffalo market has stood for many yean as fes ana
mtammeled live stock market controlled dominated h 40
ones interest," live stock market Ii which barter and ss have
4 free hand
'TWhfe il Is fact hat none Of she soeared lafEs pae
has any property interest there yet they patrons e tie mas
by Of the fact that their wants large and y d
convenient and satisfactory to be represented on our H
Our packing plants not eaSSed Big packers bgs y Gs
going along in successful way; they have no eomp .
make and Offering brad and Satisfactory maRst fcr aM
classes of live stock =
The Washington times., 1919-09-06
RACE RIOT DEATH TOLL IS.

CHICAGO. Sept. 6.-The total num-
Der Of deaths in the recent race riots
here was brought to thirty-eiEht yes
terday when Samuel Barnett, colored,
died OF wounds he received In Z riot
tight
The Washington times., 1919-09-06
Mr.. Charles Niemeier,
Retail GEoe1,
Hmclon, Ind

a" am against the licensing Of packers against having
them licensed to handle only fresh meats and products Of live
stock also against taking the refdgator cars from them
cannot figure that the packers hurting the wholesale oee
any except in this way: They put their goods up in better
shape are more efficient and are eliminating some Of these profits
We have Independent meat packers close to place. buy
meats from the large packers and from the Independent packers
The large packers are very keen competitors among hsey
for business. -
The Washington times., 1919-09-06
Mr.. Edson T. Case,
cananaigua, New Yo1k.
Mr.. Willard c. Stanton, Jr.,
seEeafy jersey CiRy chamber q
80 g. n. J.

1--WE organization that has f3fI members in jersey
City, composed Of professional and manufacturers We have
held two public hearings this b followed BY referendum
among membership in which collected s37 votes; 700 in
opposition and 81 IN favor As result Of referendum
board Of directors adopted resolution against this proposed Legs
laHon."
The Washington times., 1919-09-06
Mr.. Henry T. BrOSESlnn, -aEEsgT 1-FTry-i
Real HRu1h @g~0-~ fr- SSssE
FRckknnR. M-aa 5 ~1sFSo

SIN regard to the limiting Of packers 70 a3y one me- q -
deavor am strongly opposed to that bec1use h my eEps
the packers have been instrumental ID Lowering he cS On e
find the competition among the paekes is keen. Two o -
big FIVE have branch houses in FtchbHg and they EE5
the refrigerator cars that they and think ne e1SoA
shoold be obliged to furnish the small packers cars my ~
needed" y
The Washington times., 1919-09-06
GIVES BIRTH TO FIVE RaR1Hs

RED BAY, Fla. Sent. 6.-Mrs. oscar
Bray' living at Walden Bridge. near
mere. mas given birth to q quintet Of
babies.
The Washington times., 1919-09-06
Rowe,

MIR. l. w. Rowe,
Camdsa, Michigan
Live Stock DsaIsE Wa Hes Bson h
he Buiasas for Thirty Yeals.s
q think that such legislation aS s proposed viii disturb ths
people and help to dseEt4Ss pfoddetoA"
Mr.. Edson 7. Case, -!
canandaiyss, New Yo1k
PtOdBss and Shhpias Buiasss.
Y ship stock both To- and Jessey CITY, Conditions
are good At both places have complaint to make against
the service Of the yards IN the sale Of he live stock Every
thing Is fair and square .ese5.
The Washington times., 1919-09-06

Institute of American Meat Packers
Mun.ey Building Washington, D. c.
The Washington times., 1919-09-06
Widespread Opposition to Legislation
Affecting the Meat-Packing Industry

Scores of practical of affairs from many States are apsau
the Senate Committee Agriculture stating most clearly thar roas
the drastic legislation embodied in the Kenyon and Ksnc bills
Following are some Of the views which unen from s different
recently at one Of the hearings.
The Washington times., 1919-09-06

q think that such legislation aS s Z
people and help to dseFssss production !"
The Washington times., 1919-09-06

Supposed Profits Great;
Actual Profits Little" |"
The Washington times., 1919-09-06
''Wil Decreass
Production.

- g's- t
~- 80
80 So ,-s-
-.ssta+H