New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1919-02-23
By Christopher Morley

BENT1NCK - Look out, he's coming.
Bring your foot-warmers along and I'll tell
you.
(Exeunt. After a moment the door opens
and the Kaiser and Karl Rosner appear.
The Kaiser is in outing clothes, norfolk
jacket and knickerbockers. He carries an
axe. Rosner in ordinary civilian garb. The
Kaiser stays by the door while Rosner en-
ters the room.)
KAISER-Just have look round, Ros-
ner; make sure everything's all right.
(Rosner looks under bed, in bureau
drawers, etc.
How about that cigar there? Any clock
work in it? points to cigar lying on
table,
ROsNER (holds cigar to his ear listens)
i think everything is ganz gemitlich.
your majesty.
KAISER-Just try the typewriter Last
week there was wire attached to one Of
the keys. Every time l tried to make
capital l there was a hell of an explosion.
Very annoying, that's my favorite letter.
l had to make all the rs in that chapter
lower case.
ROSNER Crying typewriter)- ist
die Zeit fir allie CUTE Manner zur Hilfe
des Kaisers zu kommen- think it's all
right. This is your medicine, wahrschein-
Itch (Holds up glass Of poison.)
KAISER Crosses to table, takes up glass,
smells it, listens to it, and .sets it down,
shaking his head. He sits down in chair
with sigh of weariness) --Dear me, Ros-
ner, this woodcutting is strenuous exer-
else. I'm bit out Of practice
ROSNER--Ahf hu+ No opo cor foil two,
the way you can, your majesty. l never
anything like the way you brought
down that last one--completely, root,
branch and fruit
KAISER-What do you mean?
ROSNER-Why, your family tree.
KAlSER-Come, come, we must get to
work. points to pile of manuscript This
will make some publishers fortune, Ros-
ner. I going to dedicate it. to Shake
speare, to return his compliment.
ROSNER-To return his compliment,
your majesty?
KA1SER-Yes. Don't you remember? He
dedicated his sonnets to me. (Pcks up
volume of Shakespeare)
ROSNER-I had forgotten.
KA1SER-One of the most graceful
things he ever did (Turns over the pages)
Here it is: "To the only begetter of
these ensuing sonnets, Mr.. w. H. All
happiness" That is great comfort to me-
ROSNER-Come to think of it, your
majesty, you have been quite favorite
with the English poets. Didn't Keats write
an epitaph for you?
KA1SER-An epitaph? What do YOU
mean?
was writ in slaughter.'
KAlSER-You forget yourself! Come, I
want to dictate some letters. (Rosner takes
down dictatlon.) To Herr Woodrow Wilson,
care the Murat Mansion, Paris. Dear Mr..
Wilson, may I not tell you how happy I
am to hear of the successful birth of the
league of nations? I hope you are doing
as we'll as can be expected. By some over
sight my invitation to the conference has
not reached me. l have only just returned
from an extended yachting trip, which
lasted from July, 1914, until very recently,
and have been quite out of touch with
affairs. They tell me there has been a
very unsuccessful war, which am sorry to
hear. You know how opposed l am to any,
thing of that sort. Cannot something be
done to prevent a recurrence of the trouble :?
am thinking seriously of leaving Germany,
in fact I have already left, and am visiting
my old friend Graf Bentnck at Amerongen.
1t is very jolly house party; we have had
some shooting. Why don't you join US :?
About this war; l feel sure everything can
be explained satisfactorily. Try to spend a
Sunday here so not to miss one Of my
sermons. have had several very fatterng
offers to enter higher life, but feel sure
that can do more good as I am. I hear
that great many of your countrymen are
visiting Germany. l am afraid my absence
may have disappointed them. l must try
to keep IN touch with current events from
now on Cordially and sincerely yours
Got that?
ROSNER-Textually. But if your majesty
will permit-may I suggest a change of
phrase?
KAISER-What is it?
ROSNER-"I must try to keep in touch
with current events"-pardon me for the
suggestion but it sounds too much like the
electric chair
KAISER-Gott! SO it does. Well, fix it
your own way. Now we will get at the
autobiography. (Picks up MS I wish I
had uniform to wear while debating. 1
could compose much better. never feel
at my best in these beastly civilians.
ROSNER-You should be on horseback,
majesty.
a. Nv