The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1919-06-23
Friend Wife Goes
To The Country

AS an all-ar0unu nlVVer, the WIFE
trip to the country rates as full 100
per cent | speak now from the point
of view of the pleasures which 1t af-
fords to the husband who is left be-
hind. 1t is a classy fade-away; it is
the tag end of nothing at all; it de-
generates into what you see these
starry nights when you go out to look
for the tail of Halley's comet sup
plement; it is the last half Of Whit,
which is what you hear two minutes
after the passing of withholding; it
lis the dud of husbandly opportunities
for bacheloristic compensations; it is
a good time gone wrong.
No one has ever figured out why
wives go to the country, but they all
do. Mrs. Trelawaney Jones, of New
York, spends her vacation in Phil
adelphia, and she has gone to the
country" Mrs. Alfoxden Smith, of
Philadelphia, spends hers in Pitts
burg, and has gone to the country"
Mrs. Andrew Brown, Of the latter
place, goes to Punxatawney for fort
night, and has gone to the country"
Mrs. Ted Green, of Punxetc, takes the
children for trip to her fathers
farm, and has gone to the country"
The only explanation that l can see
is that any place seems quiet and
just full Of sylvan glades and things
to the wife. And besides the phrase
sounds patrician and SENS like mil
lion dollars when she springs it on
the folks at the bridge table. -
The husband uses the term be-
cause it carries an illusory suggestion
Of safety He can date up Joe and
Tom for every night next week down
at Grogan's with feeling of perfect
security, because even if word sud-
denly got to the wife Of his loose way
Of living the old man would have to
60 down to the pasture lot and fetch
up Mag and Bill, and by the time he
had them harnessed to the double
seated buggy the lap robe would turn
up missing; it would take an hour to
find that, and by the time they were
all in and ready to start off, little
Margery's cat that grandma had Civ.
en- her would make dash for liberty;
the chase would lead down to the
spring under the hill where Margery
would get all mixed up in the mire
and require a changing of shoes and
tookies, involving an untying of the
trunk, and repacking and relacine
to the hind end of the buggy. BY
the time they got to town the II
o'clock train would have left, and
they would have to wait for the mex,
train, which leaves at midnight. They
would 60 lack home and try it over
the next day, but the next day the old
man would be called away to attend
a caucus, and the chances would be
very much against the wife ever get
ting back home at all.
That is the way the husband al
ways figures it out; to him "the coun.
try is vast hiterland of the city
in which people get lost and live
never to get back, giving him ample
encouragement to plan a complete
campaign of orgiastic endeavor with.
out discovery.
But alas and alack, the vice versa!
Things are not what we see 'em to be-
That round of pleasure somehow
goes fiat. Grogan's goes good the
first night with Joe and Tom in fine
fettle; they laugh at every story the
semi-bachelor tells including the one
about the plumber and the Italian,
which they have heard at every sea-
sons premiere at Grogan's for the
past nine years: the cards run right
in the little game of "stud" in the
back room, and he goes home in
cheerful spirits. But the next night
Joe has to stay at home with the
baby while his wife goes toHee the
Tangled Web" in FIVE reels, at the
Orpheum; that leaves only Tom to
celebrate, and even he has to leave
Of IN IN naat bic co,,s,x x,,ko a.. -.