New-York tribune., 1919-12-14
ssMcAdoo'' Scrambles Rail.
roads and Leaves ''Hines''
to Finish Trick, but Only
Loser Is ''Poor INVESTOR
Moonshine Source Found
Newspaper Humorists Assert
Political Managers Are
Chief Vendors at Large

opening winter dinner tonight.
Headed by Vice-President Marshall,
Cabinet members. ambassadors and
ministers Of the diplomatic corps, and
members of Congress, a large guest
list included scores of men well-known
in public and private life.
Nothing was spared from the ira
ditional gridiron. The railroad prob
lem, prohibition, the labor situation,
woman suffrage, reform and other
topics in the public eye came in for
their share. of good-humored treat
Members of the club, principally
Washington correspondents, took the
parts of the actors in the skits which
did the "gridironing" on these sub
jects.
As the capital, like the remainder
Of the country now has "dry banquets,"
or at least is supposed to, it seemed
appropriate that one of the skits
should be "Moonshine"
A company of moonshiners preparing
some "brew" was shown and some Of
The dialogue included the following
abs:
"a Gridiron dinner is not the place
for that sort of thing"
Watterson's Memoirs Conflscated
There amt no place where it's more
needed
Speaking of books on the subject, /
see by the papers that the prohibition
enforcement agents raided the Office Of
The Saturday Evening Post and con-
fscated six installments of Henry Wat
tersons memoirs.
Has it got any kick in it?"
"Kick, we'll you ought to see the way
it keeled over Morris Sheppard and
Wes Jones the other day"
Il see NceP President Marshall's
here. Did you hear him order the
Senate galleries cleared the other day
when we cheered Jim Red ?"
"Oh, yes, that's the Oldest Moonshlne
around here"
81 suppose you read that Josephus
Daniels thinks he has Presidential
BOOM"
That's moonshine off a green
cheese
Speaking for the old solid Demo
cratic party, nominate the best-known
moonshine dispenser of the day Mr..
Will H. Hays, chairman of the Repub-
lican National Committee"
"On behalf of the United States Re-
publican Party, progressive and re-
dictionary factions, l suggest there is
no finer connolsseur Of moonshine than
Mr.. Homer S. Cummings, chairman of
the Democratic National Committee"
1t was decided to present both chair
The bottles, they were told, were Ere
fillable."
Railroad Skit Rgoduced
The railroad skit dealt with "un-
scrambling the railroads." The actors
represented former Director General
McAdoo, Director General Hines and an
McAdpo-The late Mr.. Morgan said
that yoh cannot unscramble scrambled
eggs. He was wrong. By the exercise
Of little magic, to which we modestly
lay claim, we shall illustrate how the
railroads of the United States may be
scrambled and then in the twinkling
of an eye, as, it were, and so to speak,
unscram bled again. Can any one loan
me silk hat? l shall return it prompt
ly and entirely undamaged.
Man steps forward with silk hat. He
is Mr.. Investor, we'll known citizen.
McAdoo--I shall return it with its
pristine beauty untarnished.
Investor-Please be careful. That
hat represents the sale of Liberty
bond
McAdoo-Tut, tut. have no fear. we
shall not hurt it in the slightest.
Breaks and drops egg and shell into
Invest stor-Oh, my hatl
Investor Urged to Turn Away
McAdbo-Tut, tut, sir; have no fears.
Trust me. Kindly turn your back.
What you don't see won't annoy you.
u fot "a L lA
so. Now we take some -four, add
some coal, pour in some of this agree
able variety Of catsup. add little sand
and finish with dash of vinegar.
Please don't groan. Mr.. Investor 1t is
all right. All these ingredients are
symbolic, gentlemen. Now we have the
roads scrambled. This completes nv
part ofIth trick. l shall now pass the
buck-A mean the hat-to my friend,
Mr., Hines. who will, in his magic way,
with few passes produce the beautiful
rabbit known as government operation
and coetrol," and return the hat un-
damagsd to my good friend, Mr.. In
Vestor.S investor groans.
Hinet Clocks at hat and glares at
McAdoo)--I am deeply indebted to Mr..
McAdoe for his trust and confidence.
wishs he had finished the trick. He
mates the limelight and likes to retire
Xhlie the retiring is good. But to the
frck, gentlemen. Let me first cover
ne nay for aesthetic and olfactory rea
.ons. II is aslittle messy. Covers hat
'th handkerchief, seizes wand.) now
Wake stheses mysterious passes. 40
sayingt the capitalistic words: Hocus,
.locus, 1920, Brotherhoods-as TAUGHT m o
~ Mrs McAdoo. Then quicklv ra;ae
The cloth and here we have-(start
back, looking nervous). Ali see: Mr.
McAdoc forgot something. Let me add
the Plnmb plan. Drops three plums
and breaks another egg. Investor
groans and tears his hair.)
Hines (continuing)-Now we have it.
diocus-pocus, 1920, presto. (Takes up
hande derchief, looks; starts back, rushes
to McAdoo, saying: My God, Mac,
can't do the trick
McAdoo-That's your affair, not mine
1nvestor-My hat, my hat!
McAaoo-Give him back his hat.
Hinss-But this mess-what will !
McAaoo-Qh, hand it back. He can't
Returns the Hat
Hines-Here you are, sir. Glands
nat t9 Investor, who takes it and
yells: tWhat mess! Oh, my hat! |
cant pse it, l can't clean it. l can't
sell its can't give it away
McAdoo, and Hines-Take it up to
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