Richmond times-dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1914-current, 1919-04-20
Apartment Renters
Sick From SHOCK
Rooms So Small They
Garry Nut Crackers
Instead of Keys.
BY ARTHUR tBUGs) uAEn.

The two greatest problems in the
public eye pieot today arc apartment
hunting and prohibition. It's difficult to
combine the two
well ;ss war. After aiming a sad eye
NJ yard of apartment ads. any cuckoo
is entitled TO step out and drink enough
prev 10 swim ashore.
-. ~ real estate agent can fibb like a
ttoSrultinE sergeant describing the
Owls elope with his guinea hens and
hcrs and rabbits use tho same
n apartments get any smaller. the
mice will think they are traps In an
other year they will he renting EN-
m IN sizes like shoes or hats. Can YOU
trying TO grab off an apartment that
won't raise bunions on his elbows?
we Know one sapp who rented col
sections OF rooms that look some
TING like the boxes they crate eggs
III IL, ne rs now suffering from rent
s ,' and IS trying To raise Il mus
l"Cne or some Spongy material that
Viii stay damp after the country goes
Can Lick Small Burglars.
one advantage of those Smail-roomed
apartments is that YOU can lick any
burglar who is thin and short enough
TO squeeze in.
The landlords must have grabbed
i thelr idea of rents from the Texas
Judge who gave his decisions from
the Sears-Roebuck 'cata:oguc. HID
linc the boys anywhere from Il hairpin
20 steam caliope, AL depending on
where he opened the book of INSTALL
r memt law. Maybe they get their dope
from the GYPSY Dream Book. They
wages.
al apartments are built on the opera
nat Scheme OF architecture. The agent
shows you room that looks like an
a anel1r pin box; That's your nine
c copm apar Tnn folded up like an ac
i rallon davenport and player piano.
The rooms are those form-itting kind
mat button up the back Even Hou-
ulni reiustS TO go into one.
Living in siX-room New York
4 partmcnt makes YOU feel like a turtle
with half-dozcn shells.
Kids May Kick orr paint.
Children aren't allowed in the bet
ter class of Fifth Avenue and River
side apartment houses. a tccthing
kid is liable TO lick the paint OFT the
pear the entire weight OF the struc-
turc. Besides kids are careless and
might lose a couple of rooms. You
can nave Persian cats, Chinese chow
chows or Democratic husbands but
children arc out There isn't any room
10 ,Gipinnis EN- up anyway. y citizen
life if he spent his childhood playing
leap frog in the dumhwaitcr.
for oao hayS and whG Gn, fhey bu
latch key. Now. the rooms are so
small you have TO carry a nut-crackcr
instead.
You are also kept hopping one jump
ahead ,,n OF fit and two jumps, behind
thin KS Of prohibition he jolts the rent
up to 1877 degrees farcnheit. Ii you
get sore and see him. he raises YOU
again. Kind of lop- sided poker
game. Every time YOU see him h,
aiscs YOU. If YOU don't see him, he
raises YOU.
Eagles Never Como hack.
The gent who designed that flying
eagle on silver money knew something,
Chickens may come home to roost, but
eagles never You never win ono OF
those landlord tenant poker games.
The cat may come back, but not when
it's kitty.
Makes us sigh for the old days when
apartments and houses were so cheap
that even a department store floor
walker could afford TO be a bigamst
That was when the old man rushed
the can in tho front door before somo
nniky member of the 800 invented tina
flat curved can that would fit under
your ove-coat.
Rents were cheap and your home
was home. The only rules the
janitor enforced were: don't smoke
hop in the elevator: bury your own
dead. and don't throw the garbage
down the mail chute. /.