The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1919-08-03
BY RoLLIN LYNDE HARTT.

cording to Petroleum a young man Wis
tied the philosopher one day and said:
Mighty Abou, I need thy help. 1 am
dying, Egypt, dying. 1 have a cough
winch is tearing me to pieces; 1 have
also dyspepsia, liver complaint. bron-
chitis, asthma, consumption, Brights dis
ease, and neuralgia, with a few other
diseases too tedious to mention, and they
are all growing worse daily
Hast tried the regular physicans?"
| II have"
The irregulars?"
Verify"
The patent medicines?"
"All of them"
The retired physician whose sands of
life have nearly run out?"
Yes"
Then go home in peace. If you have
| tried all these and still live l know of
nothing that can kill you
| ART OF SPELLING WRONG
The chap out in Ohio held forth at
Toledo, and in those days Artemus
Ward was writing for the Cleveland
Plain Dealer, and from Artemus his con-
temporary caught the mania for bad
| spelling. Hence the wondrous literary
| charm in a passage that should accom-
pany the above. Petroleum has taken
it into his head to peddle proprietary
medicines by mail, and declares THE
folloin will be my first announcement:
| "A retired physician, for IS years con-
stftooshhnalty averse to work wishes to
| spend the few remainin days allotted to
him in alleviatin the sufferins NV the af-
| flicted.
While a mishnary in Moo Gersey, his
only dawter, a beautiful, artlis, gush1n
creecher NV skarse IS, wuZ strikin down
with consumption. She wuz restored 20
health by wun NV the aboriginees NV that
desolate country by the billed down ex-
tract Nv a weed that furnishes luxooriant-
ly there. Wishin to do all the good in
his power, he will send the recipe on
the reject NV SIS in postage stamps
This I rather think will do, partikeler-
ly if follered by SIGH certifikits as these:
lease 901S.-P O'Flanegin, brakes
man, had his leg taken Off Applied reme-
dy ez per instructions. In three days 1t
wuz ez long ez tother leg and the foot
he'd formed. At last account the leg wuz
still CROWN.
Case 3,S24-Mary MCGUIRE, widow
with nine small children. Sent
stamps and recevd reject Cut her eldest
girls arm to the bone to try it. Applied
and healed in 80 ninits. An idee struck
her. Drove up her COW, and sliced steak
off the right hind-ouarter Applied the
flood The place healed up in a few
minits, ready for another steak to be
taken off. Now supplies the whole naber-
hood with tneder, fresh beef from that
one COW.
cease 6o10.-Peter Magnus, carpenter,
made winder frame too narrer by six
inches. Put it in it's place and rubbed the
flood on each side. Next mornin the
frame he'd erode to the desired width.
cease 7,2S7.-Amos Caput, completely
bald from birth. Applied the flood at
mite, and in the mornin he'd a bootiful he'd
Nv hair all in ringlets. Tried it on a hogs
back, and found it wood prodoose bristles
in hours. Creased pine plank with
lard, applied the flood, and found that
the bristles wood grow there just as well
Is now engaged in the manufacture Nv
hoe-brushes'
STOP STICK HUMOR.
Walloping, huge, horselike pokes are
these of Nasby's-jokes for percherons-
jokes with fetlocks-a kind of joke for
which a president would hardly leave
his happy White House. You might have
expected Lincoln to hail them with wild |,
guffaw. Not by the utmost stretch OF
fancy can you imagine his coveting the
talent that produced them. Let alone
their slap-stick crudity, they were feroci-
GUS No such motto as with malice to-
ward none, with charity for air. would
suit monument to Nasty He dealt in
slams. He could even slam loves young
dream Says his humbug philosopher, the
New Jersey Persian:
"At lecture of the Mercantile Library
course, Yusef first beheld cara. He han
reserved seat B22. which cost him seventy |
five cents and cara had the seat imme- |
diately behind him. She was struck with |
wholly of people affected as they were! |
He would be invariably invited to re- |
turn, the next winter, and the commit |
tee would not ask an abatement of his I
fee"
At it again, you see! In wrong with
the physicians, the quacks, the patent
scamps, the girls, and the love-
lorn SWANS, Petroleum goes out of his |
way to get in wrong with that luckess
crew, the lecturers. Getting in wrong
was his ambition. 1t was his dream.
1t was his consuming, lifelong passion. |
And in his most celebrated endeavors, /
he took it upon himself to infuriate a.
democrats and all southerners.
Now. just between you and me and
the lamp-post Il engage the services
of the lamp-post unhesitatingly be-
cause, thanks to prohibition, they are
not otherwise employed) this is no
way for a humorist to behave. 1t
won't do to thin out your admirers,
whole classes at clip Who'll be left?
In a frfsky show I attended of late
don't be too harsh with mel sat t
way back in the third row. a comedian I
caught a Willie boy by the ear and
said: what shall / do? Kill him? ?"
Whereupon, the leading lady protested. Il
Don't! For heavens sake, dont We