The Washington herald., 1919-06-20

olAk hLfQ DOySs NOT Mdlcf dAid c%th
for breakfast! Not as IL you asked
for mountain oyster" which
everybody knows is a steadier and
not a bad thing to start the day on
II you've jumped the reservation the
night before. But hot water in glass
for breakfast That's the only kind
Of water they know about over here:
in your tub before breakfast or
IN a glass alongside the old bacon
and eggs and the 'l<ipper" when you
sit down to eat the first meal.
The other day ! was having my
breakfast IN one OF the SWEETEST eat
ing houses on Piccadilly-blowing my
self. as II were-and there was an
American major just In town from
Coblenz who was extending himself
just like I was. / sat back in my
chair with an expression on my coun-
tenance like the last act of The Two
Orphans" just listening to that year
ling fighting for a glass Of ice water
with his smoked fish and "porridge."
Bill. that man never wasted more
heroism in front of a machine gun
nest in the Argonne.
And what'd he get? Listen. Bill:
He got a teapotful Of boiling hot
water and the waitress gave notice
to the head guy right then and there.
She wasn't going to serve any more
mad Americans"
Rushing the Growler.
I'm no longer a mad Amurican.-
Bill. I'm just sorrowful. Only way
I can get a pitcher of ice water in
this town is to go to the ice house
with a pitcher in my hand-just
plain rushing the growler. as 1t
were-and / haven't the nerve to
ride three miles on top of a bus
with glass pitcher in my hand.
Honestly. 1 haven't, I've seen guys
riding a bus with a wooden leg: but
I've never seen anybody take his
seat on the hurricane deck with a
glass pitcher with the intent and
purpose. as the district attorney
says in his indictment, of going to
the ice house for a pitcher of ice
water.
Which may be neither here nor
there, Bill. Be that as it may, as
the Democratic spellbinder said
when he unbuckled himself from
that speech against old Senator
Warren down in your town when I
was residing in your midst: what do
you think of Are you there?" on
the telephone?
Old Vaudeville STUFF.
OF course. this is old stuff with the
vaudeville circuit back in the effete
East; but out Wyoming way, Bill, 1t
may drag a laugh out from under
your suspenders.
You know: Get on the phone nice
and friendly-like and fight about ten
minutes to get your right number
Then the short-combed rooster at the
other end takes down his receiver
and says. Are you there?"
Only he doesn't say II like it's
spelt, Bill. He says, Ahyu' theah?"
Wei. what's man going to do
under those circumstances? II you
answer. mo: I'm down round Caspar
way, picking strawberries" you'll
crab the whole works, and like as not
you'll go to the Tower for high trea-
son. The right answer is Yes: I'm
here. How's the Missis and all the
kids? And then you go out and take
a walk along the Embankment and
look at the holes the German bombs
punched through the important places
in the Sphinx at the foot OF the Obe-
lisk and call it a day.
Maybe I'm boring you stiff with all
this chatter, Bill: and II you read It
to the boys be sure there's no sheep
men around to add to their displeas-
ure- But I've just got to unbeit- a lot
of this stun before it ferments inside
me and spoils my naturally happy
disposition. And speaking of neck
ties, Bill
The London Neck Gear.
You know. over here in London
they're mighty shy on what you
might call the spectral colors in
ties They'll sell you q handker-
chief made OF silk which's got all
the colors of an oil fire down Salt
River way woven into it; but you're
not supposed to do anything with
this flag of the whosis Republic
except wear it in the outside pock-
ct Of your jacket with the ends
showing fancy-like. You don't dust
of your shoes with it when you're
hitting town after a long ride in
from the range. and you don't wipe
on your chin with. it after boring
into the old Yorkshire ham and
Plymouth Rocks. You Just show it
proud-like
But when you ask the man behind
the counter in the gents furnishing
store to trot out his ties-Boy,
howdy! He shows you layout
which's left over from the time they
buried George the Three and the
whole nation went in mourning.
Blacks with white fy-specks and
dark gray with pale blue f1y-specks
and just plain black for sporting"
You know, Bill, what sporting is
going on the river. which is the
Thames pronounced "Tims") and
pushing a boat around with a long
pole; that's sporting"
Panama Hat for Spports.
If you want to roach your name
up and be regular wolf, hunting
free of the pack, you go to a haber-
dasher's store and buy you a black
tie with faint gray stripe and a
Panama hat (which mustn't be worn
in London, Bill; only when you're
sporting) and you're rugged for a
regular medicine dance. 1 know an
American, Bill, who sifted into this
town with a flock of ties he'd
bought in Joliet, Ill.-the kind
which hook in the back-and the
first time he oozed out of his hotel
wearing one of these Texas northers
a Covent Garden flower woman who
hadn't drawn a sober breath since