davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1918-05-19

caught by Jane Seymour. Anne Boleyn
was put on the black list by every
accident insurance company in the
United Kingdom. and Catherine How
ards hopes of a green old age faded
in the cold gray dawn of the morning
after Catherine Parr rose on Henry's
horizon. 1 don't know exactly what
your short cut to divorce was, Blue
beard, but from what / have heard
you practiced the block system your
self just as Henry did occasionally to
prevent unnecessary matrimonial COL
lisions. But how different it all was
under my method of synchronous
polygamy When / wanted another
lady, sent for the parson. was married.
and then took her home. Mamma"
said l to Mrs. Young Numbers 1-39
Inclusive. see what / have brought
you. as token of my regard. Not
a Successor. but an Associate And
then I'd introduce Mrs. Y. No. 40 to
her predecessors, and they'd settle
down and al live happily forever aft
erward. There was no object In my
using rough methods to get rid of
somebody else. the way you and
Henry did. and that is why 1 say
woman is safer under the expansive
ness of polygamy than she ever can
be under the limitations of monog-
any,
But it must have been terribly ex-
pensive," said Henry. Il never could
understand how you managed that.
Brigham, with spring hats. and ball
gowns. soaring like a Standard Oil
subsidiary on a boom market. l went
over the whole question of polygamy
as a substitute for monogamy with
my cabinet once, and while my chief
lord Of the admiralty, with a wife in
every port. recommended 1t highly,
the chancellor Of the exchequer while
appreciating my desire to make SO
many women happy nevertheless put
his foot down, and in view of the in
creasingly large number of my an
nual deficits l agreed with him that
the time was not ripe for official
action"
1T was the same with me-" said
Bluebeard. sadly. my wives nearly
ruined me with their milliners' and
dressmakers' bills, and 1 finally de-
cided that a short life and a well
dressed one was better for Mrs.
Evening star., 1918-05-19

sit in a game of draw-poker. or
bridge, with a man who always had
an extra queen up his sleeve"
Il can't see why everybody picks on
me as the matrimonial heavyweight
of history, anyway" said Henry. i
only had six wives, but old Brigham
over there had forty-seven. and as
for Solomon they tell me he married
a whole Woman's Club every year.
and every one Of 'em with a waiting
list a mile long besides"
That's what made him SO wise.
said Diogenes. "A man who has as
many wives as that necessarily hears
know anything about. Just think OF
Solomon coming home at night from
the Official cares of the day. sitting
quietly back in his slippers and
smoking Jacket embroidered for him
by the Queen Of Sheba. and having
thousand dear little wifies sit on the
somewhat elongated arm OF his chair
and tell him all the news; By ginger,
Boney, IL you'd had a secret service
like that at your disposal all the
time nothing could ever have upset
you
"He certainly had sources of in
formation that are denied to the rest
of u.s." said Socrates. Il never got
much news from Xanthippe, but it
was her practice while washing the
dishes after dinner to impart to me
a great deal Of abstract information
in a very concrete way. most Of it
pertaining to questions involving the
personal conduct of man."
Il know the kind you mean." said
Caudle, sympathetically. my wife
used to begin a Chautauqua season
eyery night after we'd blown out the
light" at.
traordinary thing to me. considering
how important matrimony Is In It's
world. that it has never yet been sat
isfactorily regulated. Marriage is
still in too experimental a stage
"As . sort Of research professor
in hymenology you have always been
an interesting figure to me-" inter-
rupted Socrates. Il have admired
your courage. and would now like
to learn some Of your conclusions"
"Conclusions?" cried Petrarch. with
old simpleton. Henry never reached
any conclusions in matrimony. That
was his great weakness. Hen had
no matrimonial terminal facilities. If
you could describe matrimony as the
railroad to happiness 1t would be
perfectly proper to say that Henry
was rather a switchman than a con-
ductor of the through express. He
kept stopping at way stations all
along the line. and never arrived
anywhere"
. "WeIl. what I'd like to know is
this" said Socrates, "Was Solomon,
with his thousand wives and large
waiting list. any happier than Henry
was with his six. irrespective Of
whether they were taken simultane-
ously or came along Indian file?"
Lets make 1t a simpler arithmet-
ical proposition" suggested Euclid
Let's ask-was Henry with his six
wives six times as happy as Socrates
was with one? Now. how happy was
Henry? Henry. tell us frankly. were
you satisfied"
NO." said Henry.
The record shows IT," said Epami,
nondas.
And you. Socrates" said Euclid
"wsre you satisdsd?"
MY Zeus. yes!'' returned Socrstas
"Onoe was enough for met
'Well." said shaks1QSsxss la1n
Evening star., 1918-05-19
Brigham Young Enhghtens Henry viii

ing his head. what does this all
proven"
1T proves" said Brigham Young,
that you can't prove anything in re-
spect to matrimony by just talking
about II. Every man has got to jump
in and swim out his own conclusions.
But to return to the matter of polyg-
amy. ] want to say that in my judK-
ment it is the solution of a great
many of our problems. both, social
and economic. To begin with it is un,
Questionably true that what l call
simultaneous polygamy gives greater
security to woman than what we may
term consecutive polygamy. The sys-
TENS OF Henry and myself are illumi-
mating examples"
Henry wasn't in your class. Brig
ham," interjected Socrates. "It was
a case of Al to 8. Henry tried to es-
tablish the trust of woman; you
started in to establish a trust in
women. Some difference"
The underlying principles are the
same" said Young. If Henry had
lived long enough 1t wouldn't have
taken him long. going at the rate
he needed to break all records was
time"
II think I'd like to catch up with
you myself. Brigham" said Blue
beard, land to that end would you
mind telling me the real meaning Of
your extraordinary statement that
woman is safer under q system Of
polygamy than under the rule of
monogamy? Do women live longer?"
The way you practiced monogamy,
most assuredly." said Brigham Young.
when you and Henry decided that It
was time for No. 2. 8 or to come
along the occupation of the holder of
the previous number was what the
life Insurance companies call Extra
Hazardous. The day Henry's eye was
Evening star., 1918-05-19

N-u-r-n." says he. "Bartholo-
NEW Nurn.
IT'S a perfect fit.'' says l. But
we might as well have the rest of this
tragedy of yours. Bartholomew.
After gettin' yourself Simon Legreed
by Uncle Zeb. how'd you come to pike
for New York and pick out boss
like Spratt?"
II didn't. right away" says Nurn.
ut was four or five years before 1
landed here. l was just driftin'
around. Seems like 1 never did any
thing by plan. Things just happened
to me. I got jobs here and there. but
! couldn't seem to stick. Then I'd
have to move on. 1 never was very
strong. SO lots of the work I tackled
was too hard for me. Some of them
gang foremen used me pretty rough.
too. One broke my jaw with a punch
Of his big fist Another hit me with a
shovel. was in the hospital three
weeks after that, in Buffalo,
"A couple of times l Came near
starving. Once was right here in
New York, over in Bryant Park.
could show you the very bench. That
was when big Pat Scully found me.
He used to be a porter at spratt's.
Evening star., 1918-05-19

monogamy is inefficient, because no
woman can do all these things for a
man, and bringing hired help in from
the outside is economically wasteful.
You marry one woman, you enshrine
her in your household, generally in
luxurious idleness, too frequently in
wearisome drudgery. You make her
either parasite or a slavey. You
hire thirty or forty other women to
look after you at enormous wages
cook. $40 a month; chambermaid. $50:
laundress. s35: governess. 500. and
the goodness knows what else besides.
You spend a thousand dollars for Mrs
Tudor's dresses
"Piker!" cried Henry. Never a cent
less than fe5OO."
You squander $3.50 apiece on her
hats, and allow her two a month
continued Young
Great Elysium"' cried Socrates.
why Xanthippe went a lifetime on
81 worth"
Socrates, "a man who kept an estab-
lishment, not a roost.''
well, you're right about the awful
extravaganza of it ALL said Henry.
"but don't see how polygamy. which
"o1Ao Ao tui any multiply your
pense account is cheaper than monog-
amy. If one wife costs you $4,000 a
month what the dickens do forty
seven wives come to ?"
Don't" gasped the Count of Monte
Cristo. '"rhe very thought of it
makes me faint"
They come to less. not more"
t., D..
money on it. Henry; for. as one Of
these minor poets might have said IL
he had had the sense:
'If you marry your Cook. and the
ChamberMaid,
And the Sempstress sweet, and the
Scullery Jade.
And wed the Milliner chic and fair.
And the dear little dame that curis
your hair;
If you make a wife of the Damozel
Who teaches the kiddies how to spell,
AS well as the Nurse. and Dancing
Who's up in the arts Of the Social
Whirl,
And promise forever that you1i bs
true
To susy who knits your socks for
"And promise a love that is sweet and
sure
To the Telephone Girl and the Mani-
cure"
warbIed Byron. with great enthu-
siasm.
"And keep a wife that is UP on law,
And can chat of Ibsen and Bernard
Shaw"
chortled DR.. johnson. beating time TO
the rhythm on the floor with his cane.
And one who can talk. but would
rather sit
In silence deep. and do nothing but
cried Socrates. with feeling.
"And one to comfort you when you're
ill,
And one to handle the Plumbers bill.S
Shakespeare.
Exactly" cried Brigham, hastily.
you've all caught the idea. If you
marry 'em all, at the same time. the
way I did. you not only have a well
equipped establishment, organized as
efficiently as a department store, but
no matter what you pay the ladies on
the wages account, you keep all the {
money in the familyi"
Heavens. vot a scheme" cried Shy
lock.
81 always suspected polygamy was
a good thing" said Henry. .'but now
know it,"
And he Immediately drew out his
and waved it fiirta-
at the woman's club across
the way.
lcsRszikht ap43saesrRssayseasa1sA
Evening star., 1918-05-19

old Spratt takes notion to close up.
as he threatens. I'm over forty now,
and not very well. My stomach amt
right; have dizzy spells. And
Luella couldn't do much. We've
well. you see how it is"
mods. / was beginnin' to squirm
over some of the brash things I'd
said to Nurn. Poor cuss. Life hadn't
been much of picnic for him. No
wonder he had that cheap look on
his face.
Never heard any more from Uncle
Zeb?" / asks.
Never tried" says he. 81 don't
even know whether he's still livin' or
not. He was mighty tough when I
left
How would it be- says l. ''if you
was to write him a letter, sayin' you
was sorry for that bad break you
made when you was a youngster.
but how you'd lived straight ever
since. and what a tough time you'd
had? Give him the whole tale, as
you've put it to me-about LuelIa and
ALL
Bartholomew stares at his shabby
shoes. a minute or so: then he lifts
them shifty eyes of his.
Evening star., 1918-05-19

trouble lies in the fact that with all
their wisdom men have not yet been
able to decide whether marriage is an
art or a business. If we could only
settle it once and for all whether
matrimony should appeal to our love
of beauty. or to our desire to make of
the family an efficient instrument of
service, We should have some basis
upon which to judge the desirability
OF monogamy as compared to polyg-
amy, or vice versa. If it is a pretty
face and sentimental association we
are after. then monogamy Is the thing.
If, on the other hand, we are seeking
an organization complete in itself,
and capable of standing on its own
feet as going concern, all senti-
mental considerations aside, polygamy
Is the thing. In other words, is mar
riage an art or a business?"
1T sounds pretty good to me-" said
HesEy, but I don't quite catch your
drift. As scientific nuptiality per-
haps you can elucidate more in de-
tail"
Certainly" said Young. Gladly.
It's all SO gloriously simple. Man is
a creature of complex nature. consti-
tuted largely of vices, virtues and
needs. His needs are often more
numerous than his vices. and never
less than his virtues. He must eat.
and therefore somebody must cook
for him. He must wear clothes. and
consequently somebody must sew for
him. II he values his social position,
he must appear well groomed, where
fore somebody must wash his collars
and cuffs for him. His children must
be educated, and for that reason there
must be somebody to teach them. The
children also need nurses. His wife.
or wives. need maids. His table must
be waited on, and his house swept
clean of dust. His bed must be made,
his stockings darned. and of late years
1t has been a prime necessity of his
life that instead of biting his nails
OF as he used to do out at Salt Lake
they must be manicured.
I'm short, Henry. any properly con-
Quoted household is sort of asylum
Of maculine needs, and there must be
somebody to meet them. IL it 10 to be
observation-disclosures S@edsntlEEVna Now
Evening star., 1918-05-19
n1S@ EAR me" cried Henry the
Se ~ a'ss's; 5s:,:s;s.:: "H'" very =

nny@ EAR me" cried Henry the
OCU N Eighth. How very as
JU tonishinE"
He threw down the copy
of the Gehenna Gazette, which he had
been reading with a close concen-
tration somewhat unusual in one of
his temperament, for over an hour.
and walked to the window of the
Houseboat on the Styx, and stood
there gazing wistfully across the
river to the realm of his former
grandeur.
whats the matter. HEM" queried
Alcibiades. What are you cackling
shout now?'
ing his chair and tapping his fingers
together moodily. Nothing, but to
tell the truth. Alci. I'm beginning to
think I nvd not wisely. but too
soon"
.'WhatS' cried Alcibiades. You
really wouldn't like to be alive now
in the midst of all this battle, murder
And sudden death. would you?
"Why-yes. l think 1 would" re-
yhed Henry. That is. 1 would If it
Be true as il rumored that they are
there"
Great Scott, Henry" laughed Mar
Gus Aurelius. 1.-The idea, A spirit of
Sour age still harping on my daughter.
hs Shylock put it?"
'still harping on everybody's daugh-
ter, say rather" growled Romeo. in
diEnantIy. II caught him casting
Sleeps eyes at Juliet last Sunday,
and 1 beg right now to inform his
matrimonial highness that il it ever
happens again a rather portly ex-
potentate of philogamous tendencies
will be found Immediately thereafter
clamoring at the door of Michel
angelo to have two very black eyes
camoufiaged back to nature once
more"
Referring to me?" demanded Henry,
truculently.
I'm referring to anybody who cases
0heep's eyes at Juliet" fetorted Ro-
meo. 1abbing q beautifully jeweled
dagger into the sofa-cushion at his
side to give emphasis to his words.
Seems ONE you are rather ad-
yanceA =. years to be deeply inter-
eeted in polygamy, Hen" said Alci-
blades, fastening to avert a possible
quarrel
"oh-rm notso old" returned Henry
81 was born in 14s1-that's only four
hundred and twenty-odd years ago"
You're younger than the Pyramids
aren't you, Hen" said Aristotle.
"A man Is As old as he looks. and az
young as he feels" replied the mon
arch. "On that basis am not such
patriarch n you think"
Il think you are surprisingly young
considering your matrimonial trou.
bles," said Brigham Young. when
We realize that you were the original
Alimony Club, Henry, it is a surprise
to flnd that, far from being broke. you
are not even bent"
"Oh WELL" grinned Henry, good-na.
turedly. Joke allyou please. I don't
care. I played the game according tc
the rules. I was always OF with the
old love before ] was on with the
new"
I'm not 20 sure" said Andrew
Jackson. TT depends on what you
cali the game. 4atrimonially you
ney haYA played eAoeydinx to HoyIe
14s11 h1Nf 1WeulAn't
Evening star., 1918-05-19

F I hadn't got this sudden hunch
about wantin' to bore holes, I ex-
pect Bart and me would have
been strangers to this day. You
see. 1 was putin up a new piece OF
apparatus in the Physical Culture
Studio. and there was a couple OF
bolts that needed to go through a
2x4. What 1 should have done was
to call up the janitor, tip him half a
dollar and had the thing fixed right
away.
Must have been that glimpse into
Spratt's hardware store. over on
9Th avenue, that set me off. It's a
weakness of mine. gawpin' into
hardware store windows. Let me get
one glance at lot of shiny new tools.
and the next thing I know I'm ranged
up alongside with my nose against
the glass. like a kid outside a candy
shop.
Not that I'm any expert at usin'
such things. l don't suppose l could
qualify as a saw-and-hatchet man
on any Army barracks contract. But
every now and then I'm tempted by
some display, and add another chiseI
or a new saw or patent drill to the
collection of weapons I'm apt to use
when the wood-butcherin' fit is on
me strong
This time it was a set of bits.
whole dozen of 'em. put up neat in
vanished box. 1 didn't know the size
of the bolts wanted to bore the holes
for. but l took a chance that one of
these bits would be just right. and
breezed into the store.
Gimme set like that in the win
dow" says I to the clerk.
Set of what?" says he. sort of crisp.
Why" says I. "a set of what you
got there
There's two windows" he comes
back. we got wrenches in one and
Say. if your feet don't hurt you
too much, says I. step outside. and
I'll point 'em out. It'll save time.
Now look; this window. third from
OH he grunts. "Babcock's A SIS.
Why didn't you say so?'
Because 1t amt my job to know the
hardware catalogue by heart" says l.
Don't have to show a union card to
buy tools, do i? or waterfront
permit?'
Huh" says he. gettin' busy with
the wrappin' paper
"Oh. by the way" 1 goes on. IT ex-
pect I'll have to have bitt-s,ock,
loo
What kind?" says he.
"Hennessy's Three Star" says off,
hand.
"Eh?" says he. starin' stupid
"Or Timkins double thrust"
adds. 1T don't matter which,"
1 had him goin' then. He begins
walkin' up and down behind the
counter, pullin' out drawers and shut
tin 'em, and mutterin' to himself,
while I stands back and watches him
Odd lookin' kink he is. Face like a
sheep. Honest. One of these long,
pointed noses. and the rest of his map
taperin' away on both sides, with bat
ears that stick straight out from his
head. And his face seems to have a
permanent strawb'ry tint to il. like
he was sufferin' from a chronic
crouch.
Id just decided that we was quits,
and was goin' to call the hunt off by
tellin him wasn't any connoisseur of
bitt-stocks. when a big, fuIl-facad,
gent appears from tie
back offce-the boss, evidently-and
demands snappy of the clerk what
he's lookin' for. The sheep-faced one
something about bitt-stocks
What" growls the big gent, glar-
in hAstile at the clerk. "Why, you
fathead. Been fere If
teen years and don't know where we
keep the bitt-stocks! Say, hanged if
you don't grow fooler and fooler
every
my fault" breaks in. II was just
Evening star., 1918-05-19

than long one in last years duds.'
"And so you filled their wardrobes
with wives instead of clothes" said
Don Juan.
Exactly" said Bluebeard. land
not a human soul has ever given me a
bit of credit for my thoughtfulness.
gave the ladies' the privilege of -liv-
Ing as long or as short time as they
Evening star., 1918-05-19
"AND A LONG WAITING LIsT.n

desired. Here. my DEAR said 1 as
soon as the wedding ceremony was
over. Here is a check for one thou
sand sequins. Spend it on your clothes,
narius is spent you go to the execu-
TONER Some of 'em lived as much as
six months"
WELL" said Young, "the whole
The daily Alaskan., 1918-02-08
War Time Recipes Of Special
 Interest To Skagway Women

1 small onion chopped fine, whole cloves, 3 whole allspice, hard boiled eggs, l saltspoon cayenne, l tbsp. flour, tbsp. butter, 1 salt spoon pepper, salt to taste.
 Soak the beans overnight. Drain and boil ill ? quarts of cold water. Add onion and seasoning. Simmer 5 hours, adding more cold water II necessary. Rub the beans through a strainer, put back on the fire, and heat to the boiling point. Rub butter ana flour together, and put in soup. Cut lemon and egg into slices. removing the seeds from the lemon, and put into tureen. Pour hot soup over them and serve with croutons.. This soup is most nour- ishing and delicious.
The daily Alaskan., 1918-02-08
Tanale Pie

Here Is a new recipe for Tamale Pie which serves six people:
 2 cups cornmeal, 21a tsp. salt, 6 cups boiling water, l onion, l tbsp.' fat, 1 ID. hamburger steak, ? cups tomatoes, F tsp. cayenne, or l small chopped sweet pepper.
 Make 8 mush by stirring the cornmeal and 11s teaspoons sat- into boiling water. Cook in 8 double boiler or over water for 45 minutes. Brown the onion in the fat. add the Hamburger steak and stir until the red color disappears. Add tomato, pepper and remaining salt. Grease 2 baking dish, put in a layer of cornmeal mush, add the seasoned meat and cover with mush.. Bake 30 minutes.
 Bean Soup CD
 Any kind of bean may be used punk, bayo, speckled, red Mexican, lima or soy.
 1 p.e beans, F cup milk, ozs' salt pork, butter size egg, pepper and salt.
 Parroil beans, add pork cut i'll cubes, Cook until soup is rich and creamy and beans tender. Add but ter milk and seasoning. Rub bear through strainer or serve whole.
 Bean Soup (2)
 i pt.. beans, 2 ats, water, l lemon
The daily Alaskan., 1918-02-08
A MIRAGE IN TIE CLOUDS.
The spsctsr That Gave an Aviator the
 Scare of His Life.

Scare of His Life.
 An extraordinary story of a mirage in the clouds is told by young flying corps officer in the British service:
 T had often wondered what it would feel like to see machine coming straight for one and to know that q collision was inevitable. l had the ex- perienCe one afternoon, only the col lision did not take place was on patrol with five other machines over the lines and had just gone into a cloud bank. Just before going In saw the bus on my right turning to cross tn front of me. All of sudden saw machine just the same as my own ap- pear out of the cloud about fifty feet away, making straight for me. h. stlnctively I jammed my nose hard down and went as near Il nose dive as possible. The other bus did the same. l tunedI The other turned into me. was fin a cold precipitation all over by this time. so I thought, Here goes; If I am going to crash it might as well be complete So straight for it went. We got closer and closer, and, biff, my machine and-itS mirage in the clouds met
 Tt seemed like a hideous nightmare, and I can still see that machine doing its utmost to crash into me. l think l can say I have had the full horrors of a collision in the air without It's actual ly taking Dlace"-London Telegraph.
The daily Alaskan., 1918-02-08
IT IS FOR LADIES. TOO.
They Can Stop Their Hair Failing Out
 With HerpIcIde.

Ladies who have thin hair and whose hair is falling out, can prevent the hair falling out. and thicken the growth. with Newbro's "HerpicIde." Besides. Herpl. eide Is one Of the most agreeable hair dressings there Is. Herpicide kills tn, dandrur germ that eats the hair of at the root. After the germ Is destroyed the root will shoot up. and the hair grow long as ever. Even a sample will con. vince any lady that Newbro's Herplcidc Is an indispensable toilet requisite. Il contains no oil or grease. 1t win not stain or dye. Sold by leading druggists. Send Ioc in stamps for sample to The Herpi' eide Co.,. Detroit. Mich
 OaA Dollar bottle, guaranteed.
 At Hil Drug SEorse. Adv.
The daily Alaskan., 1918-02-08
CHARITY.

Charity is a universal duty which it is in every mans pow CT sometimes to practice, since every degree of assistance given to anotI'cr upon proper motives is an act of charity, and there is scarcely any mantn such a state Of indicence as that he may not on some occasions benefit his nsighbor.-Johnson.
The daily Alaskan., 1918-02-08
Rloodeurdlina Sound.

There's no telling what crazy no dons poets will get"
 True enough"
 Here's one who chirps about the music of the dentists drill "-Btr- mingham Age-Herald.