davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1918-04-07
AT THE H0USEB0AT ON THE STYX 4 1s3gs Rs
Adam and His Great Task

had been disposed to make conces-
sion or two. He had seen Daniel Web
ster walking up the main street OF Clm-
meria with a shiny stoyeptpe hat on his
head, and he had taken violent fancy
to 1t as a handy sort of an arrangement
to carry things mike apples and
chestnuts' he said-and he had yielded
to Ewes solicitations that he adopt the
flowing gown Of the CHIEF patriarch
merely to maintain the dignity Of his
"a fig-leaf Is all right for a neglige,
dear" she had said. 'but for full dress
your dress should be trifie fuller"
"All right" said Adam. but II catch
plicity of duds it'll be your fault"
Same old Adam, aren't you, dear?'
smiled Eve. well, I'll take the blame
as usual. That's what I was made for"
When P. T. Barnum heard that Adam
was going to appear at the houseboat
"Glad to hear It," said he. I've
often wanted to ask him how he came
to name the animals SO successfully
that you would know them for what
they are at glance"
"And l." said Nero. wish to ask him
natly If he agrees with Darwin that he
was monkey"
'It will be some night if you do"
guess we'd better notify the police to
have a couple Of patrol wagons ready"
And Barnum was true to his word.
Hardly had Adam got himself com
fortably seated in the big armchair
they had constructed for his special
use when the great Snowman began:
SAY. grampa." he said. that was a
bully old stunt you pulled off when
you named the animals. I 1t nearly
killed me finding a name for the egress.
and the amontillado, but you-why you
seemed to run the thing of as easily as
though you were reading a telephone
book"
II am glad you feel that way about
1t, Pete" said Adam. TT wasn't quite
Evening star., 1918-04-07

laughed Adam. "You see. we worked
our speechifying in those days on the
true phonetic system. rather than on
pathological line the way you think
you do nowadays. If we hadn't a word
to express a thought we could always
fill up the gap by making some kind
of noise that served the purpose just
as we'll"
Like some after-dinner speaker"
suggested Napoleon.
Exactly" said Adam. when you
can't think of anything to say, roar!
That Is what I did when the hyena
came along. I didn't know what he
was, and he didn't suggest anything I
could connect him up with. so just
calculated hy-ena! Hy-ena! said /,
and that was all there was to it. Hy-
ena he became, and hyena he remains.
But there were others that were more
Evening star., 1918-04-07

ers got into a dissolution lawsuit the
other day. and It come out that they
made q quarter Of million dollars prodt
in less than hve years. cumberland.
Now in q case like that. Mawruss, tho
government couldn't tax them robbers
an additional 8 per cent, because hat
checking amt profession under A
Income from professions.' any moro
than burglary IL. Neither could the
government soak them highwaymen for
an excessive profits tax. because hat
checking amt q business with an in
vested capital, not unless you count as
capital. Chutzpah, gall and a nerve
like q rhinoceros. So the only way
the government could collect on tips
Evening star., 1918-04-07
HH~ DNT beg you that you
shouldn't give to lawyer
~ that claim against Inner

AASN DNT I beg you that you
:s., :s.s'ss, ant. ~. ...,s., to 1...:. ,...:.
CLICK wlsch we had for the money We
-4saned him fivs years aso! Abe Pot
ash said to his partner. Morris PERL
-nuttsr. a. he porsd over form 1040 re-
vissd January. 1918. which bore in large
black letters the heading:
.Individual Income Tax Return for
Calendar Year 1917
Ten hundred and nifty dollars he paid
us and now don't know should stick
Il under A. B. c. D. E or F"
II suppose you would rather see I'm
msrxlick get away with the whole sum
% pay Per cent Of It to the govern
mont" Norris commented.
"r would give the government not
only 8 per cent. but is per cent. Nav
russ, II they would only send round
their representative and I'LL out this
here paper themselves. and leave me in
peace" Abe said. IT amt done moth
ing for a month now but write down
figures on this blank and scratch then,
out again, and what is going to be
the end Of it don't know"
a.
IAN the government asks of you, Abe.
TITO be honest" Morris said.
Sure, I know" Abe replied. but to
ihe honest about fixing up this here in
come tax return. Mawruss. you've got
20 be lawyer. certified public ac-
eountant. mind reader and one of
1hsss here handwriting experts who
Knows how to write the whole Of the
Constitution Of the United States on the
hack Of q two-cent stamp. which take
Tor instance:
N-Contributions to Charitable Or
Eanixations, &c. (Enter below name
and address Of each organization and
Axnount paid to each.)'
"And while I amt given away mil
Hon dollars to charity in 1917 exactly.
can see where next year when some
body comes round to schooner from me
eS for the Bella Hirshkind Home for
Aged and Indignant Females in the Blu
rough OF the Bronx. city OF New York.
x.underetand. he's gong to get turned
aown on the grounds that Mr.. McAdoo
only provided three lines for all chari-
table contributions, and I'm saving
eAem up for the Red Cross. the 8. P.
c. A. and one orphan asylum with an
awful short name"
Ibid 1t occur to you that you could
rive the Bella Hirshkind Home $3.50
rad leave 1t out Of your incomes tax
Eeturn altogether" Morris suggested.
Listen Abe said. II amt trying
- invent ways of getting around what
R0ks like the only good feature Of this
Asre income tax return. Mawruss. II
Mr McAdo1 or President Wilson, or
&hoever 1t was that fixed up this here
1tper thought that the average man
dffdn't need more as three lines to put
lawn his charities in, Mawruss. who
nm I that I should set my opinion up
aeafnst theirs? Am right or wrongT
sWeIl, for that matter. Abe" Morris
Evening star., 1918-04-07
Seldom Seen.

q oBYEsKI KoURNos. the Polish ~
> anist, narrated. at . dinner IN Dea-
yer, Poland's unhappy story.
"In this new Austro-German Wraag1s
about the partition Of Poland" said .
mine owner, which side. professor, Wnl
Poland take?
Prof. Kournos laughed bitterly.
Did you ever see two dogs nghttna
over bone7" he asked.
YES" said the mine owner.
WELL" said Prof. Kournos. "did you.
ever see the bone do any dghttngr
Evening star., 1918-04-07

@SUREm MORRIS SAID. seTHE 7.
to hat checkers would be to tax the
Upper so per cent and put 1t up to the
hat checker to collect 1t at the source
from the feller who is foolish enough
to give up his money that way"
Sure I know" Morris said. but that
wouldn't be a personal extravagant
tax, Abe. That's what I would call a
tax on personal cowardice. It's the
kind of tax the government could
soak fe1ler which amt got enough
backbone to say No. when head
waiter suggests celery and olives at
rs cents a throw"
whatever 1t is. I'm in favor Of it.
Mawruss." Abe said. ALSO 1t should
ought to be collected from the feller
who lets the barber get away with 10
Evening star., 1918-04-07
The Sting.

ss6> HANcELLoR HERrLNG's ressAa
" stag speech in answer to PrsA-
dent Wilson began well enough, but q
had a nasty sting in its tail"
The speaker was a Congressman. Hs
went on:
"It reminds me Of the chap who saad
to the girl who had Just rejected himy
"I shall never marry noW-nevor@
never
The girl blushed and bridlsd.
Foolish boy. why not? she mus
INJURED.
who willT"
Evening star., 1918-04-07
A Costly Vacation.

QUENTIN ROOSEVELT at dysae
school in France talked about his
fathers farming experiences.
MY father" he said. was . gsans-
man farmer for many years. New hseA
have a ranch. Now he'd have. . plant0-'
ton. The experience was costly.
Father said to him one Day In
my childhood. what 10 . gsntlsnAA
farmerT
".Quentin.' said my father, = esn11e-
man farmer 10 . chap who never ponoo9
auythtnG AxcenE hiD- -hAff-
Evening star., 1918-04-07

80 HERE was a good deal Of sup.
pressed excitement at the
houseboat on the Styx. An un-
IL usually full membership was on
Aaad, and for the very excellent reason
That rumor had gone forth that Adam
vas going to be there. and as the head
e the very nrst OF the worlds hrst
1Amilies everybody wanted to be seen
shaking hands with him whether they
liked him or not.
That is always the way in polite So
Aesty. A man may be no end Of q bore
~ an unmitigated ass. but II he is the
&nQuestioned head OF q first family
ueople like to bask IN the sunlight of
~ presence. 1t was a much regretted
Gaot throughout hades that Adam sell
4om went out into society. and his Wis
~ to the houseboat on the Sty1 were
- and far between. 1t was not that
- was at all snobbish about his social
Spsftion, nor was he averse to the COM
Imnionship Of kindred spirits. but on
He whole he was of domestic inclina-
t3nn. and because Of tastes acquired
earH In his career he preferred out-of-
IN seeming aloofness IN matters social
NHs wholly connected with the matter
81 dress He was not exactly what
- would call progressive in the mat
61ung fondly to his original style of
garment. the ancient hg-leaf
whats the user" he had once protest.
Cd TO Nethuselah. who had begged him
ing with modern requirements than his
ene-piecs suit II am much moro COM
portable just As ! am and I am blest II
can see any good reason why should
80 go myself up to look IKE !.
Raleigh does. or blossom out like an
animated tin can after the fashion Of
your shivertng sons Of chivalry. who
Hved when maids were bold and
knights were cold. all at cost of ten
% twenty dollars square inch. when
al i need to do to dress In the style to
which am accustomed is to reach out
- the spare bedroom window and pick
4i1 the clothes happen to want OF q
tree. You boys go ahead and dress a.
you please, but let me alone"
- coming OF the doctor boat" but
-Dut grampa," said Methuselah, you
eHGht to conform to the timss."
Why should II" demanded the old
man. "You don't You 60 around in an
cid homespun Mother Hubbard all the
4ns. Socrates invariably appears in
~ old cotton nightshirt. Caesar wears
Nhat he calls a toga. but 10 really
Aothing more than a highly titivated
Nfhrcbe. Raleigh and Shakespeare
GltA their frills and furbelows look
- q department store OF on . hike
G fK&4Wfck, the king maker, has to use q
1n0-opener to go to bed 1t night, and
n for your modern folks who come
n0wn here dressed UP in boiled shirts
marched collars, looking for all the
2erld like q collision between = con-
Gfrence Of head walters and q conven-
- Of undsrtakers-no Stree, Methey!
X6pe Of that for the founder Of the
F EG1nily.s I'll seonform to the times, all
MGht. but it'll be my times, and mo-
E66y'e elee." .~<-..-..
IessssiI however. the old gsatismaa
Evening star., 1918-04-07
By MONTAGUE GLASS

game and you make . few dollars 80
Saturday night and drop Il the next -
so forth, Abe. that the govsfAnsu1
wouldn't allow you to deduct your 1ss-.
ings from your innings?" Norris asksA
That's the idee." Abe said. sWAsn
you cash in at the end Of each ga0s.
Mawruss. that constitutes Q separate
transaction under E-Other income <tn-
GLIDING income from partnerships. 14u-
Charles except that reported under =.
F and Co. and you don't get no al
lowance for nothing"
well. that settles It." Morris saad.
FOR the fiscal year January !. 1sa21s
Evening star., 1918-04-07

reasoned than explanatory. such as the
zebra, for instance. He was the lasf
animal / named, which gave me the q
and he looked SO like a toasted jackass
end Of 1t. getting the compound OF zee
bray, or zebra" t#
Gosh" said Ananias. Hes in form
tonight, amt he, Munch?"
II fear me yes" replied Munchausen,
gloomily.
How about the rhinoceros?" queried
Frederick the Great.
well, that required some thinking.
said Adam. TT took me about a week
to figure him out, and it wasn't a
pleasant job. at that. If I'd had my
way he'd have been published anony-
ichtyoppawotamus. and the rambunc-
tious dinodithyram. But I finally re-
duced him to terms by q hard and dis
agreeable study Of his habits, his man.
ners, his hide and his inclinations. In
the first place I discovered that his
chief habit was to go after any old
thing he happened to want, and take
1t whether 1t belonged to somebody
else or not. relying wholly upon his SUI
perior brute strength to put the job
through. without any thought of the
equities involved. That was clue num-
ber one"
"And mighty good one." said Fred
y
"Yes," said Adam. But shat was
only the first step. I next discovered
that he hadn't any manners in his re-
lation to the rest Of the animal king
dom. He was a shower, a pusher and
a tfampler. He'd destroy anything
that stood in his way. and would have
considered any system of etiquette that
required him to be considerate of
others. no matter what their sex, as q
weakness unworthy of the strong. His
purpose Of getting through to his ulti-
mat goal was a sufficient tustifica-
tion Of anything he might do In viola
tion Of the amenities on the way. That
was clue number two-eQually good.
you will see, my dear Frederick"
"It sounds hne." said Frederick.
'.rhe third clue" said Adam, was
revealed In the thjolknesoof BIS -hidaA u
Evening star., 1918-04-07

IOLSnhV 1Ax OEs 0OA1CAAAV 0s6<AAAs
December 81. 1913. play pinochls two
banded with my wife. Abe. and then I've
always got the comeback that an
swered No to question 8. Did your
wife Cor husband) or dependent chill
dren derive income from sources inds-
pendent of your own?"
"I don't think that Mr.. McAdoo would
hold that you've got to report money
which you win from your wife" Abe
said.
why not?'' Morris asked.
Because Mr.. McAdoo II . married
man himself, Mawruss. and he knows
that such moneys amt income" Abe
concluded. They're paper profits. and
you never collect on them"
Copyright. 1918. By Mcclure syndicats.S =.
Evening star., 1918-04-07

said, .'if you are up against 1t for space
TO MI IN about the Bella Hirshkind
Home, how many lines did Mr.. McAdoo
leave mo to write in about you and
TeiganbaumT"
me and Feigenbaumr Abe repeated.
"surew Morris said. THE time you
Evening star., 1918-04-07

as easy as you seem to think. Indeed,
it required lot of head work to which
was not wholly accustomed. but on
the whole I don't think I made more
than two or three mistakes at the out
side.'
What I've admired most about the
governors work in that matter was
that he did so well with such limited
material" said Noah.
I'm the matter of animals? asked
Barnum.
"No. stupid, in the matter of Names"
said Noah. HE not only had to name
the beasts. but he had to invent the
language to express them in at the
same time"
'Oh, that wasn't so very hard. Noah,"
Evening star., 1918-04-07

was impenetrable. You couldn't pierce
II. You could beat him. You could poke
him. You could lambaste him with a
club for his misdeeds, and he'd never let
on he knew you were there. Criticism
left him unmoved, and through it all he
appeared to be nothing more than a
rather simple minded, stupid, sleepy old
creature. stolidly intent upon living
along. seeking nice warm place In the
sun, with an occasional splosh under
these facts in hand the conclusion was
Inevitable. The solution was perfectly
clear"
"Ha." said Frederick. scratching his
head in a puzzled sort of way. Clear
to you: perhaps-but-erI can't quite
mo. Freddy" said Adam. II didn't
think you would. But to me it was diff
ferent. I saw at once that with all these
characteristics SO supremely developed
and SO named him the rhinoceros."
root mitt uns!" cried Frederick.
wrathfully. as the old mans trap revealed
itself to him. 'Tf you weren't an old
man."
"well what?" glowered Cain. rising
Frederick. and II you're anxious to
start something with old men, either
with boxing gloves. gott-mittens. or
plain common garden fists. let It begin
"Oh. nothing-nothing at ALL" replied
Frederick, with an uneasy glance at the
exits. 81 was only going to say that II
Father Adam were not an old man,
should be less ready to accept his-er-"
Remarkably logical conclusions" said
"As a symbol of the pure egotisteus
the rhinoceros is scream"
You were some armadillo yourself
growled Frederick.
Evening star., 1918-04-07

because already figured my income
tax out six times, and Il comes TO q
hundred dollars moro every time. which
II they would only give me till-say-
the LIST Of August. cumberland. I might
be able to figure It out q couple dozen
times more and pay the government
some real big money"
~
with me. Mawruss." Abe said with
q sigh. sometimes it's more, and some
times it's less. but It only goes to show
how II q business man Is going to have
such big difference Of opinion with
himself. Mawruss. what kind Of DIFF
ference Of opinion is he going to have
with the collector Of internal revenuef
So guess the only thing for me to do
is to start all over again. and this time
TIL multiply the result by two. because
If I've got to pay anything extra to the
leave do it without getting indicted
first"
Say" Morris exclaimed. Hf they
started in to indict everybody which
is going to figure up their income tax
wrong this year, Abe. the government
would got to draft couple of million
grand jurymen. and then lay Off the
workers on cantonments and put them
to building Jails."
"And labor is scarce enough as It is.
Mawruss, when you figure the hun
dreds of thousands of sitsons of this
country which has been taken out of
active business life during the past
sixty days while they were engaged
in making up their income tax returns"
Abe said.
well, that will simplify things a
whole lot next year, Abe" Morris de-
clared. particularly in the excessive
profits department. because owing to
the time they spent in doping out what
excessive profits they had last year. the
business men of the country won't
have any profits this year, excessive or
otherwise.'
IT should only make enough this year
to pay a certified public accountant for
fixing up my income tax return next
year. Mawruss. and shall be satisfied"
Abe said. because who could tell, may
be next year, Mawruss. the government
wouldn't stop at wanting to know what
your income is and how you made 1t.
but would also insist on knowing how
you spent 1t after it was made. which
If business is bad next year. Mawruss.
it may be that the government. finding
that they couldn't raise enough money
with an income tax and an excessive
profits tax. will pass law calling for
personal extravaganza tax"
.'Thcy could get lot of revenue that
way" Morris admitted.
Yes, and they could get it coming
and going" Abe said. Take. for In
stance, the hotel and restaurant hat
check business. which I seen it in the
papers that partnership Of hat check
Evening star., 1918-04-07
Abe and Morris Discuss

would put the money which lost from
having got 1t . partner which wastes
dollars and dollars worth Of time on
mo every day by arguing about things
which arguing couldn't help" Abe .ad-
vised Because with this hero in
come tax proposition. Mawruss. II you
Evening star., 1918-04-07

Mr.. McAdoo knows about pinochle.
Abe" Morris said. Because unless
Gott soIl huten. q feller should drop
dead Immediately after he cashes in his
chips, y'understand. money which you
win at pinochle amt an asset. Abe. It's
a loan, and sooner or later you are
going to gay it back with interest"
You argue with Mr.. McAdoo" Abe
advised him. why. as understand 1t.
II you are having the game Up at your
own house. Mawruss. and you happen
to draw out ahead, you amt even al
lowed to deduct nothing for electric
light and the delicatessen supper. so
strict the government is"
but do you mean to say that II YOU
have a regular Saturday night pinochle
Evening star., 1918-04-07

"Tell 'em about the pig. pa" said
Cain.
"Oh, there's nothing to tell about the
pig" said Adam. THE same rule pre-
vailed with the pig as operated in re-
spect to the hen and the rhinoceros. A
study of his habits merely showed me
what he was. He was a pig, and
knew 1t the minute I saw him."
And you took him right into your
drawing room," said DR.. johnson.
NO" said Adam. II didn't like his
manners, SO gave him a pen, Sam. 1t
seemed more appropriate"
1t was at this point that Nero braced
himself for the fateful question.
There's question I'd like to ask"
he said.
"Go ahead and ask It," said Adam.
How about that notion Of Darwin's.
Adam? Were you monkey said
Nero.
A thrill Of horror swept through the
room. Indignation seethed from nearly
everybody's face.
"Put him outl Put him out" came .
Not At all not at ALI" said Adam
Evening star., 1918-04-07


claiming a drawback for bad debts
arising out Of personal loans. which the
government is losing thousands and
thousands OF dollars on many a week
kneed business man who knew when
he loaned the money to his wife's re-
lations that he would never even have
the nerve enough to ask them to re-
new their notes even
Then there is other business men
which has got lot of customers on
their books who couldn't get credit ex-
cept by paying such a high price for
their goods that If they bust up there
would still be profit. even If they set
tied for 80 cents on the dollar. and
Evening star., 1918-04-07

and him had the argument should it be
pronounced balSHEVikt or balshe-
vEEki." =
well, I was right. wasn't II" Abe
demanded.
Certainly you were right Norris
replied, but the question is: Do put in
the 1900 order he cancelled on US un-
der Explanation Of losses or business
property or under General deduc-
tions not reported on page 81"
put 1t in the same place where. I
Evening star., 1918-04-07

started the whole business. anyhow.
Freddy. and as a starter he has the
right of way always" o...
fully, II didn't start it. Frederick
started 1t himself by asking me how I
came to call the rhinoceros rhinocer-
os. and I told him. But It's all right
He and his kind frequently start things
without really knowing just where
they are going to end. It's a family
characteristic Where he made his
mistake was in picking the rhinoceros.
instead of the hippopotamus. whose
in no sense chronological"
well. you fell down there. anyhow,
Adam" said Frederick. The hippo
potamus doesn't look in the least like
river horse"
THAT wasn't my mistake" said
Adam. with a grin. That was mis-
take Of the Greeks. who thought I
nothing Of the sort The word I used
was hippy. not hippo. called the beast
q hippypotamus, because the first time
I saw him all I could see was his hips
sides that the poor creature always
looked as if he were hipped about
something. anyhow. and the name
seemed to fit him fore and aft"
you showed positive genius when you
named the hen"
Thanks, William" replied Adam,
modestIy. But you mustn't give me
too much credit for that, There was
no genius in 1t. I couldn't possibly
have done anything else. You see, when
the first one 1 saw started rushing
around the garden. cackling away like
a house af1re, prouder than Lucifer just
because she'd laid an egg, an achieve
ment she seemed to think greater than
the building of the pyramids or the
discovery OF wireless telegraphy, an
absurd bundle Of fuss and feathers, but
a useful member of society for all that.
knew at once she was a hen, because
nothing but a hen could think and act
that way
simplicity itself!' said Ananias. his
eyes green with envy.
(Which gives me the chance to ask"
said DIR. johnson, which came first,
grampa. the chicken or the egg"
Ladies first always" said Adam.
Then Eve was created before you,
eh?" persisted the doctor.
There are exceptions to all rules,
Samuel" said Adam. Especially when
there is a good reason for 1t. I pre-
ceded Eve, but only because in those
pioneer days 1t was the mans job to
go ahead and blaze the trail. SO that
when his wife came along he'd have
things ready to begin housekeeping
without unnecessary delay"
Evening star., 1918-04-07

are going to waste so much time argu-
ing about what you have lost that you
couldn't be able to remember by April
1 what you made. y'understand. you
would lose in addition a thousand dol
lars more and SO per cent Of the amount
of the tax due, and you couldn't have
the consolation Of blaming it on your
partner. neither"
"It seems to me. Abe" Morris COM
mented. that the government makes
a big mistake limiting you to April 1.