Five Mile Beach weekly journal., 1918-10-11
TO PARENTS
From RING W. LARDNER.

eli, 1duicS anu SChCot @NPRO
they's a few of you that never even
heard of my son John, and | could
fill a seed catalogue with the funny
ones he has pulled like 1 day he
said daddy Che calls me daddy on
acct. of 1 being his daddy they's
a bee in Niles, Michigan, that lays
currant jelly" But l suppose you
don't think that's as funny as some
of the ones your John has pulled, so
they's no use repeating a whole lot
more of them. But any way we
named him John on acct. of my name
-inciteing people to make up puns
about it and many's the time l have
pretty near strangled to death trying
to laugh at the gags people pulled
about my name and they probably
didn't figure that 1 had heard them
all as often as the one about the I'd
lieut.. or somebody that made the pr1-
vate salute him a 100 times or some
thing and etc.
But any way John is 6 yrs. old and
you wouldn't never believe it to look
at him on acct. of being so big and
smart and you would guess him at .
or something and in that respects he
takes after his father because they's
lots of people that just met me and
they are trying to make up conversa-
lions or something and they generally
always ask me if 1 felt nervous at
Chickamauga, where as the facts is
that when Goodbye Dolly Gray come
out / was still singing soprano yet.
Well, on acct. of the merchants try
ing to start up a correspondence with
with me the 1 of every mo-, l half
to work and l can't do it home be-
cause they's so many places to lay
down., so l leave home about once per
day and come back pretty near as
often, and when l open up the front
door or however l come into the
house, John comes running to meet
me and for a vile / figured it was
on acct. of he being crazy about me,
but 1 finally realized that he didn't
never offer no caresses or honey
words, but all as he ever said was
daddy what did you bring meY'
Well, when I didn't have nothing for
him his face would fall and some
body would half to pick it up but 1
couldn't bripg him something every
time l come home because even it it
wasn't only a transfer the wear n
tear of remembering it every night
was bound to get a man in time and
if l offered him the evening paper it
meant ] would half to turn to the
comical pictures and explain them all
out and without knocking no cartoon
lists, the man that tries to explain
some of them to a 6 yr. old has got
a bigger job of explaining on their
hands than the poor bird that has to
write the official German communi-
Gates.
Well, they wasn't nothing that
would do for a every day diet you
might say, so finely 1 kind of estab-
lished the custom of getting him
something pretty nice once in a while
and then telling him-to expect nothing
more for a long time and that work
ed pretty good, only the something
nice was generally always Simon poor
wreckage after a few days treatment,
or if it was a book, he had to have
it read to him every evening till he
got another and it didn't seem to make
no difference to him how often you
read him the anne story over and
over again, but it did make a differ
ence to the dear reader and many's
the time l wished this here Thornton
Burgess was a truck driver or some
thing.
Well, along this summer 1 left the
house 1 morning like usual and when
/ and John parted he says Daddy
you haven't ~broughten me anything
for a long time and you have got to
bring me something nice today" So
/ said "AI right and. tnen I went
down town and got a haircut and af-
forwards I couldn't remember nothing
only a few extracts from the BARRIERS
monologue so L forgot all about John
but l happened to be looking through
my desk for the typewriter and I
come acrost a caro- that had layed
there since May and it said on it that
/ could present the card at the bank
and get a 500 Liberty Bond for it,
because here is how 1t happened.
This day in May it seems like I had
just got paid and | was eating lunch
and 1 had $50 dollars in my close out
side of my pay envelope and while /
was eating a bird come up that |
hadn't saw for a couple of yrs. and
the last time / seer him I vss in a
doze and lent him $40, and any way
he come up and says here is that $50
and you could of knocked me over
with a coupling pin, but any way
there / set with a 500 on me besides
some chickens feed and they was a
beautiful gal in the place that must
of suspected as much and list thing
I knew she was standing there by the
table asking me would I like to sub
scribe to a Liberty Bond. Well, If