Pine Bluff daily graphic., 1918-03-10
JOSephuS and Balin0a Wed
 At Aitheilner
Touching Ceremony Is Wit messed by Many Friends of
 Contracting Parties.
By the Parson.)


 Before a large number of friends and acquaintttnces at Althcimer FHi- day night, Josephus Sandowrer (Jee i.eftwrltch} and Balinda, the Beau- tiful Boiler Maker (Thos. R. Ashcraft were Wld Jacobus Smithus Mcdonnell i D. D. tdiscourses to donki2s) officiat Ing. The groom wore the convention al dress, the bride was beautifully at tired in a GiaphanouS dress of a cling ing material decorated with touchmc nots, th2 D. D. touched her just the same. Other D. D.'s note below how it was accomplished.
 { The following beautiful and solemn marriage ceremony was performed:
 "Woman was made from the rib of man has always yeared to cling to him, our beautiful bride of tonight is no exception of the general rule, she l is a peach of the cling variety.
 "As the vine clings to the sturdy oak, sc this fair maiden desires to cling to the arm of this stalwart man.
 "As the hart naneth for the water brock. so panteth Balinda's heart for thee Oh Josephus.
 "We are here tonight to solemnize 1 the rites of matrilnony between Jose 1 phus Sandowner and Balinda the Beautiful Boiler Maker.
 , "We propose to put them together with rivets of steel, for what we put 1 together we want nothing to burst as- under.
 "Josephus, do you solemnly promise to always keep Balinda in chewing gum, rats and back hair?
 "Balinaa do you solemnly promise to daily coddle Josephus, chuclle him un- der the chin and call him Jode dear?
 "Josephus do you solamnly promise by the heavens above, the earth be meath. the waters under the earth and the fire under the waters that you will nourish Balinda in manner to comport with her portliness?
 'Balinda, dc YOU solmenly promise to daily tell Josephus that he is the biggest and greatest man in the world and never let him onto the fact that you know that he is the real Jeff, of Mutt and Jeff?
 ''Josephus do you solmenly promise that you will see that Balinda does no work whatsoever, that her lilly white hands may be preserved in their pristine beauty?
 "Balinda do you solemnly promise to at all times keep your breast full of the milk of human kindness for your Jodie?
 "Josephus do YOU solmenly promise to keep Balinda supplied with french heel shoes and cobwebb hosiery so as to properly display her tootsewoot- sies, and set off to best advantage the shapeliness of her shape-fullness?
 "Balinda. horses sweat, men pre- spire and women glow Do you Solemnly promise that you will never go stronger than a glow? Do you solemnly premise should precipitation show any signs of breaking out, that you will always have your powder rag at hand sc as to stop it in it's lncip- iency?
 "Do you promise that you will jump in the river before you will sweat?
 "ls there anyone present who knows any good reason why this twang should not be made one flesh?
 "Josephus, Balinda's uncle who has had the care and support of her since she was wee bit tot, would like to have the promise from you, should you be inveigled into an innocent little game of rock or poker for keeps, that you will always divide the spells with her. fifty fifty. Do you so promise?
 "With this ring I do thee endower with all I've oot.
 Before concluding the services, would like to state that have often been asked what was proper for the contracting parties to give the preach CT upon occasion of this kind. My modesty forbids me answering such a question directly, but I will state that first class people, generally hand me fifty, those not quite so classy give me twenty-five, plugs, hobos, tramps, hoodlums, buns and bowlegged folks shove two dollars and half at me. shall wait in the ante-room for you to classify yourselves"
 Here the bride took offense at something, reached down into her hip high silk purse and produced fifty dollars, as she did so she said she would have the preacher know she was first-cass lady and that there was nothing bowed about her either. Whereupon the preacher gallantly bow ed and said he would tell the world she was straight as string.