Harrisburg telegraph. [volume] (Harrisburg, Pa.) 1879-1948, 1918-03-06
FROM BASEBALL TO BOCHES
BY SPECIAL ARRANGEMENT WITH GOLFERS WEEKLY

On Board S. S. eve amt
allowed to tell the name, Joe, unless
we get sunk).
Dear Joe: Well, figure by this
time the whole world and Yonkers
has been dazed by the news that
have give the Alleys the best of it
by joinin' the u. S. Army. They tell
me the papers was full of it and |
would of had my photo in one of
them only the reporter sobered up
on me and they was nothin' doin'
But leavin' all humorous jokes TO
one side, Ihave gone to work and
left baseball fiat on its back and
signed up with Uncle Sam. | got a
iron-bound contract callin for thirty
dollars a month whilst weplay at
home and about three dollars more
on the road. All the uneyformS and
stuff is throwed in free, and feller
can pick up plenty of eXtry dough
if he's handy with a pair of dice. On
top of that we got tour of Europe
starin' us in the face, so l guess that's
bad, Ell?
In the gang that's goin' across
with me is about $500 doughboys
like myself, only not as good lookin',
and about $50 officers. A whole lot
of them birds is fresh from the Of
around tryin' to kid the world that
they know more about shot and shell
than Belgian sexton and that they
take cold shrapnel showers every
mornin' before breakfast. The big
laugh is that they amt none of 'em
ever been closer to battle than
Rockefeller is to bein' a public
charge. but they're battin' 1000
with the DANES on. board just the
same.
While l amt gettin' enough money
outa this thing to cause ]. p. Morgan
to gnash his teeth, there's one thing
about this job-it's steady!
No doubt you're crazy to know
hw I come to get into this free-for-
all in the old country, when | was a
seven-to-five shot to pitch the first
brawl of our own world series, the
last you heard. Well, Joe, it happen
ed all of a sudden like heart failure
or one strike-know what l mean?
Mack comes to me in the clubhouse
one day after the Cubs has went
crazy and grabbed eight runs off my
world-famous slow drop in the sixth
innin'. They was none out yet but
me. Mack took me out.
"D'ye know where you can get a
good trunk cheap" he says.
We'll, l can't say right off the
reel" / tells him. But no doubt l
could find out for you.
Never mind about me-" he says.
Find out for yourself, because to-
morrow I'm gonna ship YOU so far
back into the sticks that if they was
a letter to you, Robert E. Peary
would be the only guy on earth that
would have a chance of deliVerin
it,"
"D'ye mean to say I'm through ?"
I says when 1 got my breath.
IF I was as good guesser as
YOU" he says, II wouldn't do nothln
but play the races. The only way
you'll ever see a big league pan
game again is with ticket.
II guess l can get a free pass any
time l wanti t." l says, slammin
open my locker in a rage.
Not no more" says Mac. They
amt none left"
What dye mean, they amt none
left?" 1 asks him.
You give all the passes in the
league away in the first innin'," he
snarls. You walked so many guys
that it looked like you was gonna
pitch a non-hit game!" lie gets to
the door of the clubhouse and turns
around. You better get yourself a
couple packs of cigarets and another
collar" he says, because you're
gonna take a long journey"
when do I leave?" / asked him.
"As soon as l can get hold of a
piano crate, SOS l can ship you,' he
says. -.,,
to the coast, hey?' l calls after him.
Il would serve 'em right If | did, y
he says, "after what they done to
Hughes! The Coast, eh?" he sneers.
"Say!-the Coast will be your first
stop!"
''Then I amt goin' nowheres," I
hollers; "Pn never pitch no more
baseball!"
You never have!" ne yells. Get
outa my ball park
OF course there was nothin' a man
could do after that but leave the
team. Wouldn's you have done the
same thing?
I'm passin' a score board outside
of a newspaper office and l seen we
had lost the game, which, of course,
would be charged up to me on ac-
count of me pitchin' a plurality of
the innin's. They was a big crowd
lookin' at somethin' underneath, and,
thinkin' it must be the first accounts
of me leavin' the club, l took a flash
at it. 1t turned out to be a piece
which said they had gone to work
and called the draft at Washington.
They was one number on it which
made it the end of a terrible day for
me. 1 had its twin brother in my
pocket!
Just then along comes Home Run
Higgins, fresh from the ball park,
where he has lived up to his name by
fannin' four times in four times at
bat.
What seems to be the trouble %
he says. You look like they was
gonna to be funeral with you bein'
featured in it."
well, it amounts to the same
thing" 1 says. Il been drafted"
WHAT" he gasps. Drafted ?