Evening public ledger. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1914-1942, 1918-08-05
FROM THE KALSER,S DIARY
By Simeon Strunsky

TOUR years ago launched my armies
Il in self-defense against murderous Bel
gium. The problem WAS simple one. 1t
was to be solved in six weeks Yet after four
years the answer won't come out. have
spent the night checking up the figures. Not
a mist AXE, not oversight, from the moment
I shook hands with my guests at Potsdam
and set out on a much-needed vacation IN
northern waters. Yet the answer won't come
out The communques from the Marne front
make that plain enough. Let me 60 over the
account once more.
First. The principle from which we
started is as sound today as 1t was 1our
years ago, being grounded in the fundamental
fact of human nature: Grab. Before we
began we had before us complete set OF
International blue prints prepared by our IN
comparable professor of abstraction at the
University of Pilferthum. These prints showed
beyond the slightest doubt that as soon as
we grabbed Belgium and the French coai
fields and Poland, and Austria grabbed ser
bia and Salonica, the English would grap
the French colonies and Calais. the Ameri-
cans would grab Mexico and Brazil and the
Japanese would grab China I remember no"
Won Moltke. at the conclusion Of the demon
stration, burst into tears and said ne hau
never before realized the value of college
education None of the things predicted seem
to have occurred and yet in the very nature
of things they must have happened sus-
pect Reuters and the Associated Press.
Second Having proved that the other
Powers would not fight. we went on 10 pro'e
that they could not fight us II they wished
TO- Professor Lugner our pre-eminent eA-
merit on ethnology and comparative ecstatics'
showed that the French must succumb be-
cause the annual production Of yellow-bacKed
novels and absinthe in Paris had increased
ga per cent in the last ten years The ENG
lish wouldn't fight because of their absorption
IN selling cotton to the Zuus breeding bull
pups and answering puzzle contests In TIT
| Bits. The Russians wouldn't fight because
| they never begin to hght until they are
beaten, and this time there would be no
chance for them to get their second winu
The United States would not fight because ~
per cent of the population are or German
| descent an additional 40 per centare OF lrish
| descent an additional rs per cent have never
| forgotten that the British burned Washing
ton in 1914. and the remaining 90 per cent
are physically debilitated by overindulgence
| in Wall street. negro lynching and maple
nut sundaes. Thus the strategic situation was
| clear. I suspect some of my Prussian uuarus
| must have got hold Of the American maple
| nut sundae supplies at Chateau-Thierry and
| absorbed not wisely but too we'll
| Third Was our moral case at fault? Ach
| Himmel, no. Since Aesop wrote the history
| of the wolf who was attacked by the lamp'
| 7 can think of nothing to compare with our
| magnificent White Book-superb In what II
| contains and even more impressive in Its vast
| sahara like silences. In logical sequence 1t IS
| as perfect as Winter. Garden libretto ana
| aa condensed
| more for this triumph of editorship than to
| confess that in reading the volume over again
| 7 myself fail to understand what It Is all
| about? / suspect the English the Americans
! and the neutral nations must have got hold OF
a pirated edition.
Fourth Was at fault in choosing my
| commanders? Dummheit! Never were there
| men more suited to their special tasks since
| caesar Borgia. The mind simply cannot con-
| ceiye a more inspired leader for the right
wing of an invading army than Won Kluck
he should have been in Paris on September
O 1914 and yet here he is four years later
taking the waters at Baden-Baden There
must be black magic at work somewhere
Napoleon himself couldn't have picked better
men for the center armies than Won Below
Won Hansen and the Duke of Wurtembers
and there never has been commander Of q
left wing like Won Heerngen. All but one
| of them are now busy perfecting their bowl
| ing game at home Magic once more. Vor
| Moltke is dead, poor fellow. 1t probably
| broke his heart to think Of the Louvre and
| Notre Dame standing intact
Fifth Was there error in planning tn,
| original campaign Impossible. Professor
| Lugner proved to us in that same memorabl,
session to which have alluded that the Bel
gians are feeble folk, averaging two fee
four .and a half inches In height, thrteer
| inches around the chest, and hfty-six poundi
| In weight. OF these ngures the last are un
4 doubtedly true today slnce wc b1&nn <okinG
49, - ir~. Rfo1r n