The Washington herald., 1918-02-22
Quest of Cook store.


at a cat, and the purchaser carries
it with him hopefully until noon of
the second day, when he leaves II
somewhere with q curse on It; for.
Of all the marvels OF human inefi-
cheney. the ordinary phrase book
wins the prize.
For the most part, the book tells
you how to say. IL you could pro-
nounce 1t: why does the man with
the white horse drive SO slowly UP
the hill?" or MY Cousin Alphonse.
this beautiful day. has read o
charming book about the illuminated
soul"
There Is an actual sample sentence:
Can you tell me, II you please,
where can secure a cast iron cook
stove?"
There remain two ways 10 acquire
common, or war. French: the aca-
demic and the hand-to-mouth.
The academic method II based on
the verb. and the hand-to-mouth Is
based on the noun. which makes a
radical divergence right at the start
The academician takes his Begin-
ner's French Grammar. and studies
the verb "avolr'' In all its chastity
variations until his intellect Is gum
med.
He perhaps knows how to say what
to do with q thing, but, having no
nouns, does not know how to say
what to do II with.
The hand-to-mouther acquires Q
good arm grip on one noun, for In
stance Cheese" and painfully builds
on that.
The drawback to his method Il that
he knows the name of the object, but,
having no verbs, does not know how
/ to say what to do with It.
You'll usually find an academician
and q hand-to-mouther in close COM
panionship. They need zach other.
How One Orders Cheese
They are at dinner. They decide
that they would like some cheese.
The acadenician. who is always more
slowly-we'n call him Roland-surn-
mons the waiter, and clears his
throat
az aurai," he begins, then remem-
bers that this means II shall have"
and that they both want cheese.
Nous aurari," he wrongfully cor
rects himself, while the waiter, bend
ing attentively over them, though
with a watchful eye on The three ad-
joining tables, smiles encouragingly;
he is perfectly willing to let that
trif1ing error make no difference be-
tween them.
Roland, however, feels that his
reputation Is at stake. He's put too
much time on the verb "avoir" to
permit himself such carelessness: so
he colors, though he tries to smile,
and clutches his forelock.
How in thunder does one say I'VE
shall have!
Nous something or other. Nous"
is I'VE" alright All! 1t comes to
him in a flash.
Nous auvrons. sill vous plait," he
again begins, glibly, then brings up
with a sudden stop.
He has forgotten the word for
some" in fact, he can't remember
that he ever did know a word for far;
far be 1t from him to say leave out
anything he had started to put
in, since he Is perfect so far; far be
it from him to say merely: I'VE shall
have, il you please, cheese!
So he sticks and turns red behind
the ears, and the handto-mouther-
we'n call him Jinl-grins in f1endish
glee. and the waiter completes the Job
by saying. encouragingly: "Oui. mon
sieur?''
FrOmageI Ou1 monsieur.
Now is the time for Jim to come
to the rescue. With a confident smile
he leans back, and looks the waiter
calmly in the brown eye, and says,
just like that:
"Fromage."
"Oui, monsieur" The waiter turn
to Jim in delighted relief All. He
got It! Jim swells With pride and
Roland green's with envy.
Just then the waiter pours forth an
unexpected stream of French, which
sounds like one word two yards long,
and waits expectantly; even eagerly.
The academician and the hand-to-
mouther gaze at each other In blank
perplexity.
Jim feebly repeats "fromage," and
it meets with the same success as be-
fore so far as understanding goes,
but It brings no cheese.
What's he saying anyhow; that
they have no cheese. that it's for
bidden to sell cheese at this hour, or
what?
A little pink comes up in the cheeks
OF, Jim.
Somehow he feels that his rights as
an American citizen and a soldier
are being infringed. so he straightens,
glares, and, with a sweeping gesture
OF his arm which says plainly Bring
II here" forcefully reiterates:
"Fromage" Then he adds. for 1t
has been drilled into him: ''s II vous
plait."
"Oui, monsieur" agrees the troubled
waiter, and hurries away.
Time Permits AgeIng.
Time passes; minutes. seeming
hours, days, weeks. Across and
across. and up and down the the cafe,
go swiftly carried platters Of cheese,
and boards laden with many kinds
Of cheese. Diners finish their wine
and their coffee, and pay their
checks. and leave in chatting ease,
until. just as despair settles on the
academician and the hand-to-mouth-
er, the waiter brings 1t; six kinds on
a board!
It is late that night when Jim fig
ures It out. It's Jim. because Roland
Is fiercely going over the top on
list OF adverbs and propositions.
II have it," says Jim. That guy
was trying to find out what kind of
cheese we wanted. II we had told
him. he'd have brought II right away,
in place OF waiting for one of those
busy boards with the assortment on
it."
So endeth the first lesson. This
thing OF being in a strange land, amid