Philip weekly review and Bad River news. [volume] (Philip, Stanley County, S.D.) 1912-1918, 1918-01-10

market II would be called Junk
You have a bunch of ancient
floor-walkers like Judas, Nero
Attila, Richard III and Capt
Kidd that are really driving
business away from the place
ralk about the Huns. Why,
would not let Attila bring my
shaving water.
Ii you had a few scouts like
fon Tripitz or VonHindenberg
you might talk on some basis of
equality. They are the boys who
bring home the bacon and they
re filling our hell with a talent
Of their own creation and devel-
pment. But while they are fin
ished performers of course, I
IN still the boss of the whole
works. 1t is my genius and in
'piration that has made our new
hell possible. He'll without me
would be merely a word. | have
made it a torrid reality. You
may as well understand first as
1st, that you cannot run hell
without some of our Prussian eff
iency. In a competitive race
vith us you would probably br-
ing up as second rate cold
storage plant.
BY reason of our former
friendship, however, ! am willing
TO recognize your moth-eaten
throne as one with which diplo-
matte relations may be maintain
I'd. I am sending Count Won
Bernstorff as my Ambassador.
nth authority to make treaties
compatible with onr mutual in
terests. Under certain circum-
stances it might be possible to ne
gotiate union between our
Crown Prince and your Messalina
They might make a good team.
Ie may also take on Ln1crczi
Borgia and make It double
header. How would it do for me
to fio5& up with one of your
Catherines--this Medici person,
for instance? OF course. this
would be only for the campaign
and subject to cancellation at my
will Count Won Bernstein is per-
mitted to talk to these. as well
as other matters, and has himself
hinted to me the advisibility of
an exchange Of transfers. This.
however. would be with the idea
Of gradual absorption of your
hell by nv own. 7 am TO he per
fectlv frank with Won. You must
realize. my dear Lucifer. that
You are getting old. You are not
up to our modern methods and
when you wander around with
vour spiked tail. people only
smile in a good natured way
and murmur. "Who the devil is
he?' or "I wonder what mis-
chief Satan is up to now?'
You are all right for running
a kindergarten. but as the boss
of real blood red, rip-snorting,
concert pitch hell, you are mostly
a rabbit. You are altogether too
easy. Why. l understand you
even shy at cooking children in
their own grease. You ought to
see the way | cleaned them up in
Belgium. Women first? Well 7
guess yes Amy old way. We
turned it into a pitch Of Bot
tomless Prussia over night. That
ancient party who ran wicks
through Christians and used them
to light up his grounds was a
poor fish at thinking up things.
We could show him a few things
that would make him green with
envy. He never poisoned a whole
regiment with gas bombs and he
never sank and blew up a ship
load Of women and children with
torpedo from a submarine.
You mean well, Lucifer, but
you are a slow performer. Take
a week off and come over to
real hell. We will show you
the time of your life and you
can see what you are up against
You can discover why your pro-
position to abdicate in my favor
doesn't materially interest me.
However, I am real sport and
LII tell you what I'll do; Ill
play you a game of pitch to See
whether you abdicate or | throw
you out. In either event you
are welcome to permanent home
with me and I'll show you hell
Of a time. There's no use IL
aid friends nuarralinp. is there