New-York tribune., 1918-03-12
In a Great
Uniuersit,
Joyous Discovery of a Inn
Per Cent Efficiency
Machine
(Simeom Strunsky, in "The Eren;r.
Post")

4 ATLANTIC PORT. March g..
N presence mere is due to sugpe..
tion by my friend, the Ch;ss :,
Subaqueous Coordination. | am forh;a,N
to give names; but if you will t,ls W.
first three letters in Newark for tho ss'' "s
part of the name of this place and the t;.,'
of distinguished British prelate wh.
now visiting this country for the s....,
part of the name, you will have verv fa;.
approximation to the name of the tor,.
am writing from.
What my friend, the Chief of the g.,
aquatic Department, said was this u.
said: "Sinbad, there is just one sno4 j.
the United States where the ideal Of Inn
per cent functioning has been realizedn \.
said:
"In that town, Sinbad, there is a mn
versity, and in that university they have thu
most highly developed mechanism in ~,
istence. l refer to their Faculty Separator
I speak only from results. Unfortunats
ly, have had no opportunity to maks
personal investigation of this device.
do not oven know whether it works bv Con-
trifugal Attrition or by Compressed Air
But l can close my eyes and see the ran.
arms of that machine, silently remorseless,v
dipping down into a Faculty meeting. seiz.
ing a professor of International Ethics bv
the collar and the right gaiter and deposit.
ing him on the Subway platform at On.
Hundred and Sixteenth Street with mini.
mum of concusson.
"This has been going on without hitch
or false motion since the beginning Of the
war. There may have been a pause during
the recent coalless days, but imagine tha
time was we'll spent by the engineers in
scraping out the boilers and Tightening IN
the bolts. To-day it seems to be function.
ing better than ever. l recommend that
university to your attention. Thus am
here.
AEY first glimpse of the campus re.
lNS vealed how admirably the uniyer.
a sity is situated for the enforce.
ment Of faculty discipline. The principal
buildings stand on plateau whose sides
fall away sharply in three directions, with
a gradual slope to the south. On the west
lies the lordly Hudson. On the east are
the steep embankments of Morningsde Park
On the north is Manhattan Valley on the
slopes of which General Washington en-.
gagged in battle with the armed forces Of
a nation to whom we have since lent five
billion dollars. On the south lies Wes.
Harlem.
1t needed no expert eye to show that in
an emergency the Faculty Separator located
in the cellar of the Library Building might
thus be operated in four different directions
at once. simultaneously dropping pro
fessor of History into the Hudson, pro-
fessor of Bolshevik Rhetoric into the path
of the Amsterdam Avenue cars, professor
of Indefinite Equations into the pond in
Central Park, where the ice is just going
out, and q professor of international Law
into the heart Of the S2,500-a-year apart
ment section south Of 10th Street, with
extra quarters for servants and free re-
frigeration.
Having thus laid the foundation for my
studies, I went straight to headquarters
Needless TO say, l refer to Fred, head jan
tor cf the Library Building for the last
twenty years. His long tenure of Office
l ascribe to the fact that he has made
himself indispensable. found Fred very
little changed from the time, eighteen
years past, when we occas onally borrowed
the price Of brace of ginger cakes and a
glass of milk from him. When Fred re-
marked that he remembered me very we'll,
was not altogether at my ease. However,
it was an innocent remark after all.
I asked Fred to what he attributed the
uriversity's extraordinary achievement in
academic propulsion, and he spat over the
iron fence into the grove below and said;
"Practicc makes perfect" This phrase
presume he must have overheard the Presl-
dent use IN his commencement address on
several occasions through the open windows
of the gym.
66X ZES,' said Fred gazing reaectlyey
into the gathering shadows. "fns
university has given some very
distinguished men to the country. In fae',
sir, soon as we develop a distinguished
man up here we give him away.
"lt is my business to sweep out after tns
session of the Board of Trustees, and ire
quently have picked up typewriter copies
Of the Order of Business. Well, sir, al'e'
the Budget and Curriculum and War Ser
vice they regularly take up Expulsioh''
Every department has waiting list, anu
they go through them in alphabetical oroe',
On one occasion a Trustee-one OF the oi'
ones~-inssted on throwing out prolessO'
of mathematics who had come out IN Jaw.
of Alexander Bcrkman and birth cohltO.
But some one made the point of order saa. a1s
the professors name began with W. "h'sa
meant he could not be reached before Wv
latter part of May. SO they threw on.
professor of Philology named Abercrompss
"And what would you say, Fred IS ".
principal reason why professors 60 aS''
from here, as it were?"
"As rule. sir" he said, professors s''
elected for something else
Something else?' | said :,
"That's the odd thing about it" he ss,,
eve always fire our professors mere ~.
reasons the ignorant public would new, ",
suspect. pacihst professors. as RUE a. ~
dispensed with because they neglect 10 'ss