davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1918-03-24

old nag, and then when, as a grand eli
macteric. I climbed up the old hack s
neck and planted Trojan flag in one ear
and a Greek flag in the other, while the
Old Pals. the populace yelled themselves
to exhaustion with joy. Like boil
shevik boob on a Potsda mpay roll
ordered the army demobilized, and
went to bed happy. And then"
Priam wept bitter tears.
Il
And then the camou1age got in its
fine work." he resumed, nerving him
self up with a long deep draft of
worcestershire sauce. That old
horse wasn't a horse at all. 1t was a
cantonment! Instead of being a mere
bit of equine pleasantly it turned
out to be a division of Rough Riders,
only they rode inside the horse in
stead of on his back. The horrible
beast held the whole Greek general
staff, fifteen brigades of discus
throwers. seven regiments of natural
gasoliers armed TO the teeth with the
fiercest kind of Greek propaganda, and
a highly efficient fire department that
for making things burn to an ash beat
anything in that line in all history.
They started the home fires burning
and kept 'em going to the last flicker
of the ultimate ember. In short Wat,
while l slept. dreaming sweet dreams
of peace. those Greeks inside Skinned
down that old jade's hind legs, and
when walked up in the morning Troy
was fiickering "reminiscences"
TT was great piece of strategy"
said Achilles proudly.
1T was low-down Dutch trick"
retorted Priam. angrily. "But much
as l have always regretted it two
good things came out of it. : 1t in
spired Virgil to write a great poem,
and it showed you up for what you
have your own way, and brave only
because you thong you had an
armor-plated hide that not even criti-
cism could puncture, and shot in the
heel at the last! Shot in the heel. sir
Just keep your mind on that"
whats that got to do with it?'
growled Achilles.
We'll. to me-" returned Priam, at
proves your great reputation as a
warrior to have been mere press agent
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1918-03-24
By MONTAGUE GLASS

minute idea was wearing Q 0oo&10O
uniform Also, Abe. along WkA snnA
publicity goes the fdee that anything
society feiiers does is o. K. and q b
this acknowledgements advice Of
the German society fellers to the poor
changed the motto OF Germany fpsm
'Hei-1fe. Hei-loi Hello! HeS-lo! Bel
uns. gents inner sol. to Deutschland.
Deutschland ueber allies and that -
what brought on the war. Aba.
You mean to say that when m.
Mosha Van Rensselaer, has her picture
taken at Pallum Beach the intantion 10
the same Is when the kaiser used to
got printed a photograph OF himself as
colonel of the 1o1st Pomeranian Rag3-
ment-:-
Abe" Morris said. 1T don't make no
difference. the intention in both cases
was to get publicity for the fact that
the sitter was leader OF society. Abe.
and so far as the kaiser was concerned.
he soon got the idce that just as the
kaiser was the leader OF society OF
Germans. y understand. so Germany vas
the leader Of the society OF nations. and
therefore that Germany should have
the biggest army. the biggest navy. the
biggest colonies and the biggest Ter
ritory.-
~And she's going to get the biggest
licking. Mawrus." Abe interrupted
She's got it coming to her" Morris
said. -and then when we've showed
Germany that she amt such an inter
national society leader like she thought
she was, understand. the Germans
which was rank outsiders in Germany
society is going to look up a lot OF old
Sunday supplements. and when the
trial comes Off before the Berlin coun-
ty court Of general sessions. the dis
dence that we'll known picture OF tho
kaiser and his six sons. and without
leaving the box. the jury viii md a
verdict Of guilty Of being German -
ciety leaders in the first degree Alsn.
Abe. pictures viii turn up Of ono q
the kaiser's hunting parties. and ouRy
the people which couldn't b ideueinsd
on account of being at the edge q ne
photograph. VIII escape"
but you don't think anything me-
that would happen to our society fsl-
lers. Mawruss." Abe said.
81 think they're perfectly safe for
the next hundred years or 50. Abe"
Morris said. but just the same they
should take example by the society
leaders over in Russland, and learn to
drink coffee from the saucer and eat
with the knife while there is still
time"
Copyright 1918. By Mcclure syndicatal
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1918-03-24

stuff. In other words, Achilles, no
man ever gets shot in the heel run
ming toward the enemy"
Achilles sprang to his feet and would
doubtless have made short work of the
aged Priam had it not been for the
prompt action of William Penn, who,
like true Quaker desiring only peace,
grabbed the belligerent warriors by
the neck. and throwing Priam into one
corner, and Achilles into another, smil-
ingly remarked:
Come. come, gentlemen. Thee
must not introduce rough stuff into
hades"
well. I didn't like his reflections on
my courage" said Achilles
HE will take them back, will thee
not, brother?" said Penn, with so men
acing a glance at Priam that the Tro-
jan Immediately acquiesced.
Sure" he said. Indeed. I'll go fur
ther." he added, TREMENDOUSLY. Achilles
was one OF the brayest men that ever
honked his way to fame. The fact is.
you know, that whenever l think of
that game his people put on me I see
red. and say lot of things 1 don't
really mean. You were a brave old
lad, Achilles. so brave that you forgot
to protect your rear, and besides there
are times when running away is the
highest type of courage"
WELL said Homer, who had been a
yawning listener to the discussion,
you're all off in thinking the Trojan
horse was the beginning of camoufiage.
for as a matter of fact for centuries
before the Trojan trick was pulled off
camoufage had been a favorite pastime
on high Olympus. Those old gods up
there took to camouf1age like a paciflst
to grape Juice. Even Jupiter himself
went into it to an extent that kept his
domestic encourage in a constant state
of turmoil Indeed. the only constant
thing about Jupiter was the state of
turmoil in which his camoufiage be-
havior kept him. He was the prize
camouf1age of the ages. There was a
good deal of the Brigham Young about
Jupiter. but Juno was so Jealous, Brig
ham Young's tactics wouldn't work.
Jupiter couldn't marry every woman in
sight after the Brigham method of
wedding every girls boarding school
that happened to look like the only
woman he had ever loved. and get
away with it Juno was strong on
woman's rights, and SO Jupiter had TO
resort to camoufiage: Whenever he met
a lady that he thought he could support
in the style to which she was accus-
toned he called his secretary of the
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1918-03-24
1.-THE Society Idea"

Twombley The Other on the front page
of the supplement, photographed at
Pa1lum Beach on Lincoln's birthday in
practically a pair of stockings apiece,
understand, which if them people
want to wear clothes in Florida that
if any one wore them around New
York if they didn't get arrested they
would anyhow get pneumonia, y'under-
stand, that's their business. Abe, but
what don't understand is: Why should
they want to advertise it,
We'll. what is the use of being in
society if you couldn't rub it in on peo-
pie who ANTI" Abe asked.
but this is democracy. Abe" Nor
ris said. 80 who cares if he is in So
ciety or noe?"
Don't fool yourself. Mawruss." Abe
said There wouldn't be no object for
society ladies to advertise that they
are in society IL they didn't know that
reading such an advertisement would
make n whole lot of people feel sore
which wants to get into society but
couldn't
"And such people calls themselves
Americans?" Morris said.
They not only calls themselves
Americans. but they are Americans
Abe said, which the main talking
points of any one who advertise that
they are in society. whether they do it
through publicity in the newspapers,
by marrying OF dying. understand, is
that tho bride or the deceased, as the
case may be. was descendant of Tzvee
Van Rensselaer, Ten Eyck. who came
in America in 1855. and that another
grcat-srandfather opened the
first ready-to-wear clothing factory on
the American continent in 1866
"Of course, Abe. you may. be right"
Morris said. but it seems to me I
read it somewheres how whole lot
of people which is now in society quail
fed by settling in Pittsburgh along
about the time Judge Gary first met
Andrew Carnegie"
Sure I know Abe said. but mill
,lionaires can get into society on cash
basis, nunc pro tune, as of May /, 1920.
as the lawyer say. Mawruss. which il
a lady is trying to butt into society
on the grounds that her great-great-
grandfather. Hyman De Peyster Van
Rensselaer,. olav hasholom. came over
on the Mayfiower and bought all the
land on which the town of Hockbridge.
Mass, now stands, from the Indians.
in 1866 for $500, y'understand. it
wouldn't do her chances a bit of harm
if her husband came over on the White
Star Line. third class, just so long as
he bought United States steel when it
was down to 30A in 1905 and held
onto it til it touched 100, y'understand.'
Then what used to was the 400
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1918-03-24
One United Front.

a CHICAGO publicist said on his
~ return from the 'front.':
The front is here in Chicago just Al
much as there in France. By doing our
bit here we can win battles there Yes.
sir. there's only one front in this war.
I'VE mustn't be like the old lady who
hurried into Broad Street station and
said:
HAS the Manayunk express gone
YETI
There amt no Manayunk express
any more the ticket agent answered
They've taken it OF on account OF the
war
Ion account of the war? Boshc
said the old lady. Why. the war u In
France"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1918-03-24

distinguished person of my time, since
l seem to be the only guy then living
who didn't write 'em. But the point
| wanted to make was that whoever it
was that wrote my play of Macbeth
he foresaw this whole business of cam
outage when he disguised Macbeth's
enemies as a picnic grove, so that when
Macbeth saw what he thought was
Birnam Wood marching on toward him
with a real Sousa swing, II gave him
attack of the Willies that left him
as full of pep in the hands of MacDuff
Il bolSheyik in the presence of a
German peace soliloquy. Don't YOU
remember the line
As did stand my watch upon the hill
| iookd toward Brnanl. and methouSht
The wood began to move!
If you say they're there I'll take your
word for it," replied Mcheiangelo.
1t only goes to prove my point that
after all art is the original Knockout.
Whether it was invented by you with
your peripatetic picnic park, or Lucre-
zia Borgia with her cunning little rab-
bits so disengaging in their habits that
started it. camoufiage was some discoy-
cry
ut went farther back than you imag-
ine, put in Triam, sadly, spreading a
thick layer of horseradish his toast.
ut may have done a lot for MacDuff. but
| want TO tell you right now. boys, it
ruined me. | had the incest little king
dom in the world up around Troy. 1t had
Seattle and Oklahoma City and all the rest
OF your rnarvels OF modern growth backed
off the map We were all happy and pros
porous until that fool son OF mine, Paris.
awarded the blue ribbon for beauty TO We
nus, and thereby knocked US all galley
west. That decision made certain other
leading ladies' OF the Olympan Sorosis so
Immortality mad that they sicked the
Greeks me at a time when prepared
ness was my short suit. But even at that
they had to use camoufiage to put me on
the mat. We had 'em beaten to a FRAGILE
when some wizard on the Greek side got
the big idea. He induced Agamemnon to
holler for peace, and as token of Greek
sincerity instead of handing me a loving
cup they made me a present of a horse
several miles larger than the Statue of
Liberty. You know the rest. That old
cob looked like a midway stunt at a
worlds fair and while | didn't want the
darn thing any more than London wants
Barnard's statue of Lincoln. l thought it
would please the children, and took it,
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1918-03-24

it for at least four generations. :"
still, it's a big help to be in society
for certain businesses, Mawruss. Abe
said. Take it III our line. Mawruss.
and g Teller which was in society could
make a fortune duplicating for the
popular price trade an expensive line
of garments such as you would be apt
to see at an affair which was run off
by somebody way up in society,""
THAT amt a bad idee neither, Abe"
Morris said. land then, Abe. instead of
people asking what is the big idee when
they see picture of Mrs. Tosel Van
Rensselaer, Lydig in the supplement,
they could read on it:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1918-03-24
The UItra-FaShionabIeS.
PHILADELPHIA woman was O.,

a PHILADELPHIA woman was con.
"a demning our ultra-smart society.
The war, no doubt win do this
branch of society good she said IL
is a sadly materialistic lot Of people.
Il know a girl who. after being edu-
Gated at the Sacre Occur, came out Just
before the war. She was a clever girl
and at one of her first dinners she
talked very brilliantly about Bernard
Shaw, Wells, Anatole France and the
other literary lions of the day.
But her mother growled on the way
home in the motor:
Never let me hear you talk about
books in society again.
why not mammal the girl from
the Sacre Occur asked in establishment
Because Missed her mother. EVERY
body will think you once worked in q
book Shop"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1918-03-24


"One day he'd rig himself up as a
swan and paddle gracefully along the
skyline of the lady whose eye he
wished to catch. knowing full well the
feminine weakness for the cold bird.
Another day he'd make himself up to
resemble ready-money. and sprinkle
himself over the fair ones horizon like
a gold reserve on a spree. Another
time he would stroll by looking for all
the world like quiet little woolly lamb.
and some pretty little shepherdeSs he'd
taken a fancy to would scratch his nose
for him. and feed him nice fresh cauli-
flower with her Dresden China fingers,
and so on. 1 guess Jupiter mad the
kaiser beaten seventy ways for Sunday
with his camouflage clothes, and the
calm, nonchalant way in which he
fooled the ladies of the hoi poloi was a
caution to militant suffragettes. Sayon-
arola was right when he said camou-
fage was old as the hills.
Noah probably thought Ararat was a
sea beach, until he found his own scow
stranded on top of a mountain. Eve
doubtless thought the serpent was a
gentleman, and discovered later ,that
he was a snake. Life is full of it. That
things are SelQOm what tHey seem Inc
sages have told us for myriads of years.
Art is eternal, and eternity works both
ways. fore and aft. We have always
had camouf1age and Wen continue to
have it to the end"
"Ubetcha!"y said Socrates. And what
I am glad about is that over in France
they are fighting fire with fire today.
If there is anything that can beat ca
moufiage it is oamoufiage itself"
THE point of which wise remark is
just what?" queried Solomon.
Just this" replied Socrates. They
are using camouflage to down kultur.
which is the most insidious bit of ca
mouflage yet developed by Satan to be-
fool the human race. Pretending to
forever enslave them. Pretending to
elevate people to the heights of spir-
itual greatness, it has debased them to
the level of british sayagery. Claiming
to be blessing, it has turned out to be
the blacklist curse that has ever at
ficted the human race. Promising its
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1918-03-24
The Matter of Calr1ouAage

of camembert, Savvy. We were talking
of camoufiage. Camoufage isn't a
cheese. you know.
Il know what camoufage is just as
well as you do" retorted Savonarola.
reddening angrily- And when l say
that Lucrezia's Welsh rabbits were pure
camouflage. 1 mean it. They appeared
to be one thing when in reality they
were another. On the surface they
were the most innocent looking little
bits of golden sunshine that ever
gloried a piece of toast. To look at
'em you'd say that as symbols of peace
full innocence they had the dove dashed
to the everlasting mast-but under
meath, Largo di Garda, Mike. they
were seething maelstroms of destruc-
ton, and the man or woman Lucrezia
wanted permanently removed from the
social register after they had eaten a
haif-portion of a Borgia-made golden
buck had about as much chance of get
ting home alive as they'd have if they'd
swallowed drug store. Socrates
hemlock cocktail was as butterEIiik
alongside of one of the fair Lucrezia S
loganberry fips."
K
Il hadn't thought of it in that light
but l see your point said Michel
angelo land while I deprecate Lucre
zia's fondness for getting her guests
fed up on cyanide of potassium. and
other indelicacies, / am glad if Italy
may lay claim to the paternity of the
wonderful art we are discussing"
Italy nothing" interjected Shakes
peare. 81 guess you never read my
play of Macbeth, Mixer
"Ah? laughed .Michelangelo. '.An-
other bit of dramatic camouflage I
suspect. my beloved bard-ostensibly
Shakespeare. but underneath mere
side of bacon. That it. Billious?''
''Oh," said Shakespeare. amiably, TIN
perfectly satisfied to let that matter
rest just where it stands. I'm begin
ming to believe from the way my works
are being attributed to everybody but
me that even at that I was the most
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1918-03-24

mean to tell me you never heard of the
Trojan horse?"
No said Tyler 81 never studied
mathematics"
said Priam, modify. ut was built of
wood and stucco, and was about the size
of Billy Sundays tabernacles. 1t was
mounted on wheels and rolled into our
Central Park by the Greek peace delega-
ton, and formally accepted by my royal
highness as token of Agamemnon's love.
We made great festival of the occasion.
All the schools were closed for the day.
and the leading Nestors and Chauncey
Depewsters of the time delivered address,
es on the Era of Good Feeling and The
End of the War and The Overthrow of
Mars and so on. from every angle of that
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1918-03-24
The Armchair Critic.

$50 o Cen Leonard Wood has been
~ wounded in France" said mill
tary correspondent I'm sorry he's been
wounded, but mighty glad he's in FrancA
Wood has no time for armchair cz13cA
1 remember interviewing him oncA pua
a lot Of very searching questions to him
1 thought I was acquitttng myself ve1
well and that he'd see I'd mastered my
subject -eS..
But Cen Wood laughed and saad:
my boy. these questions OF yours re-
mind me Of the Lad who asa1ed the -
.Say. captain, DON'T all the dAmpna0
down there sometimes give the oysters =
cold?"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1918-03-24
A True Neutral.

R1sHoP ISRAEL HARRIS was .s t.is-
I'D ing about neutrality In an addre~
in Seattle:
You can't be neutral in this world war
any more than you can be neutral between
good and evil
The neutral reminds me OF little Willie
Jones wIllie's teacher told him one Sun
day the story Of Dives and LASarnA Than
she said:
Nov, willie. which would you rather
be-the rich, powerful. wtcked Deyee q
Little willie. q true n9utxal onuwogu1s
after q moments thought:
I'd rather Be Dives w60o tn 49,
teacher. and Lazarus sfte- tn -. sss :.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1918-03-24
= Abe and Morris Discuss

AA7 SEEN Max Feinrubin in the
Oo subway this morning" Abe
Potash said to his partner Nor
hfs Perlmutter. He broke two fingers
ON his left hand last week"
why don't he let the shipping clerk
do up the packing cases?" Morris COM
mented.
HE didn't break his hand on no pack
ing case" Abe said.
"well, what did he b-,ak it on then?"
Morris asked.
The shipping clerk" Abe replied.
(which the Teller said that this war is
n war over property and every nation
that is in it is just as bad as Germany.
70 Feinrubin asked him did he claim
that the United States was just as bad
As Germany. and he said Yes and
afterward he said that Feinrubin
would hear from him later through
lawyer"
"And that is how Feinrubin broke
his two fingers" Morris said
well, as a matter of fact. up to that
point Feinrubin had only broke one
areer, Mawruss," Abe said. but just
before the shipping clerk went out of
the door he said that President Wilson
was an enemy to society. so Feinrubin
broke the other finger"
SERVES Feinrubin right" Morris
said, there he was in mis- own shipping
room with hammers and screwdrivers
laying around and he has to break his
fingers yet"
You probably would've done the
same thing" Abe retorted. "if we
would got for a shipping clerk a so
cialist VINO pets up such arguments.
well. I don't know Morris said
"A socialist would naturally say that
this is war over property because it
don't make nc difference if it would be
Q war, an earthquake. a cyclone or
blizzard. to a socialist all such trou-
bles is property troubles, just as to
stomach specialist every pain is ap-
pendicitis, so il our shipping clerk
would give me line of argument like
that, Abe, instead 1 would break my
fingers on him. understand. would
sirnply dock him SO cents as an argu-
ment that If he wants to talk social
ism. he should talk it in his own time
and not mine"
sBu. the Teller had no business to
tell Feinrubin that President Wilson
was an enemy to society" Abe pro-
tested.
Say" Morris exclaimed. For that
matter am an enemy to society, too"
"Ncver mind" Abe declared. lots OF
society feilers which never done a days
work in their lives has gone down to
Washington to give the country the
benefit Of their experience. Mawruss.
and It's surprising how many society
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1918-03-24

followers heaven. It has loosed hell
itself upon them"
Solomon leapt to his feet, his face
flaming with enthusiasm.
sock, old man." he cried. holding out
his hand, put it there! By every
George and Jove in history. my boy.
you've said something at last"
And the members of the Associate
Shades rose and cheered until the very
keel of the House. Boat on the Styx
shook with the reverberance for even in
the realm of the shadows kultur
knows no brother.
Copyright, 1918, by Mcclure Syndicate, q.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1918-03-24
'.OUR LEADER.
The Mrs. Yosel Van Rensselaer, Gown
Regular Sizes, $3.50. Stouts, SO.

which there is no use letting all that
good publicity going to waste, Abe. so
il a garment manufacturer couldn't
utilize it, a cigar wholesaler could vary
his line of cigars called after actresses
by naming one of them:
1.-THE Mrs. Yosel Van Rensselaer,.
A Mild and Aromatic Three-for- Quarter Smoke
for Cents.
I'm afraid society people wouldn't be
willing to stand for such a thing, even
in war times, Mawruss," Abe said.