davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington herald., 1918-08-16
The Family Humorist.
BY DOROTHY DIX
THE WORLDS HIGHEST PAID WOMAN WRITER

No one will deny that humor is the
salt that savors life. There are so
many things over which we must
either laugh or cry, and it is so much
better for us individually. and so much
pleasanter for those with whom we
come in contact, for US to guffaw
instead OF howl.
Especially is this true of family
life. Humor is the oil upon the
troubled waters of domesticity. So
far as the happiness of a household is
concerned, 1t is better for the hus-
hand to be able to make jokes when
things 90 amiss than it is for him
10 be able to make millions. while in
retaining a husbands affections and
keeping him strong in the belief that
he has married the Right One. it
availeth a woman more to have a
funny bone than 1t does to have a
Grecian profile.
Lucky is the man who, when he
stumbles off of the straight and mar
how path for an inch or two. once in
a blue moon, has a wife who rallies
him good naturedly about being a
rounder, and applies ice cloths to his
aching brow, instead of one who sees
nothing grotesQue or amusing in a
staid old plow horse kicking up his
heels occasionally and trying to jump
the pasture bars.
Lucky is the wife possessing a hus-
band who finds her arithmetic a per-
petual source of amusement. and who
laughs at her on the first of the
month for not being able to make
her allowance hold out. instead of
reading the riot act to her.
Lucky the children whose parents
laugh instead of spank. and who think
1t funny when johnnie shaves the cat
with papa's safety razor, and when
Mary is discovered trailing mothers 8
best evening dress down the street.
playing lady, instead Of having a
father and mother who consider these
youthful peccadilloes evidences of the
truth of the doctrine of the total de-
pravity of infants.
Undoubtedly the ability to turn the
Home Page into a Comic Supplement-
does much to make the family circle
pleasant place in wh:cn to live.
but a sense of fun is like a good
many other things in the world 1t
is desirable only in the right llace
and time and with the correct ap-
plication.
And the most pestiferous pest on
earth is the family humorist who
sharpens his wits on the peculiart-
ties and weaknesses of those of
his own household, and makes their
foibles and mistakes a peg on which
to hang his cruel jokes.
He is the man who makes a Ro-
man holiday by holding his wife up
to ridicule. All of his choicest hatch
OF humorous anecdotes center
around some silly blunder his wife
The Washington herald., 1918-08-16
-snnct Indicating disanpointment.

aspect indicating DISAPPOINTMENT.
There is a sign read in this Conncc-
ton as foreshadowing many whis-
pered scandals and evil tales regard
ing women. which will be found 20
be part of German propaganda. Wash
ington, Boston and san Francisco will
be particularly affected.
Under this sway there may re de-
lays in regard to news concerning
soldiers.
Mars is in an aspect read as IRE
saying army changes in which mere
will be disappOiTtments fC: a few aud
promotions for many.
Women may come in for criticism
concerning their war work and an
access Of zeal and efficiency is
promised. The seers declare that
American girls haze not vet organized
as generally as they will within the
year.
Washington. D C. remains subject
to a planetary government that seems
TO indicate many local as well as
national problems that will De solved
successfully
Nursing will come before the pub
lie as OF paramount importance dur
ing the fall and winter. Recruiting
campaigns are foretold.
Persons whose hirthdate il is should
be exceedingly discreet in their deal
ings with others during the coming
year.
Children horn on this day are likely
to be gifted and emotional. These
subjects of Leo usually have active
minds and they make many fris ds.
Copyright, 1851
The Washington herald., 1918-08-16

ture a child by teasing 1t for amuse-
ment, passes the comprehension OF
any save those committed to the
gospel of frightfulness. but II is a
common enough sport in the family
circle.
Father will hold little Johnnie up
for the diversion OF his friends with
no pity for little Johnnie's sufferings.
Mother will make her friends laugh
by telling the secret that Mary wh!s-
pered to her of what little Ton.mie
Perkins said to her as they came
Fhome from the school entertainment,
without any pity for the torture she
is putting Mary through. and these
humorous parents never dream that
their ill-advised Jokes shut the door
Of their children's confidence against
them.
The family humorist Is also strong
on personal defects. Strangers have
the decency not to mention our affiic-
tions to us, but in the family 'ircle
we feel that we are absolved from
handling each other with any human
consideration. 1t is ones own neSr
relatives that dub the lame boy
''Limpy." and call the dull one Silly
Bill" and who brand the gir! with
Titan locks Red Top" and the thin
one Bones" and the stout one
Fatty
1t doesn't take much wit to be
funny at the expense Of other
peoples defects, or their misfortunes.
1t Is easy enough to get a laugh at
the expense of the poor cripple drag
ging his scarecrow figure along with
grotesque movements. or at the poor.
meek, timorous little man hen-pecked
4 Ir.tNh r. Il
shrew wife. or at the big, fat. blousy,
| stuIid girl who looks like performing
elephant when she tries to initiate the
! tricks by which cute little kittenish
girls ensnare the affections and get
| the attentions of men.
The family humorist finds an in
! exhaustible source OF mirth in other
| peoples ambitions. 1t is to laugh at
him to hear of a boys aspirations TO
rise to high place, or a girls dream
of being something more than a dom
estic drudge, 1t is said that Cervan-
tes laughed Spain's chilvary away
Certainly many parents have laughed
their children's fame and fortune
away. because you can destroy energy
and paralyze effort quicker by rid-
cule than in any other way.
And the family humorist breaks up
matches by pointing out defects in a
youth or a maiden that can be cam
catured until they take away every
vestige Of romance and put out the
flame OF fancy that might have grown
into great passion. For we cannot
love those at whom we laugh. and
who have been made ridiculous IN
+ our eyes.
| Thus does the family humorist be-
come a pest and one that should be
| suppressed, for valuable as humor -
in the family circle. we want only
, those who laugh with US. Never those
who laugh at us.
| Copyright 1913. by the Wheeler Syndicate. lnc)
The Washington herald., 1918-08-16

| has made. or some weakness that
| she possesses. Mostly they have to
! do with her not knowing which is
| the bus mess end of a check, and OF
thinking that she has money in the
bank as long as she has blank
checks in her book. Or they deal
with her efforts to economic by
selling a seventy-five dollar suit OF
clothes for seventy-flve cents to the
| garbage man: or the panic she got
into when she thought the baby
was lost. or they hinge upon some
secret of her toilet. her age, or the
fact that she is named Matilda in
stead of MAZDA. :.
We all know men whose whole
stock-in-trade of merry jests are
| jokes of which their wives are the
butts. We have all sat at dinner
tables and pretended to be amused
and simply ached to throttle the
| men who were willing to make their
wives figures OF fun to get a laugh.
while the poor women listened with
quivering lips and tear-flled eyes,
trying to be sports and to look as
If they had enjoyed being lampoon-
ed and guffawed at.
Another pleasing trick OF the
! family humorist is to fay his vic
tim alive with the lashes of ridicule,
which hurt worse than the whip of
scorpions OF tradition. Perhaps his
wife is slow of body and slow of
mind. He is never weary OF taunt-
| ing her with her heaviness and dull
ness. Perhaps his wife may be q
/ foolish woman with fuddled judg-
ment. He stabs her with sarcastic
references to her Solomon like wis
! dom and perspicacity. Perhaps his
wife is an over anxious mother. He
makes even that sacred passion u
thing to laugh and sneer at.
Wife batting can go no further
| than this, for there is nothing that
| hurts like ridicule. nothing that we
so fear and dread: nothing against
which we are so helpless to defend
ourselves. The wife whose husband
makes fun of her personal peculiari-
! ties. and grows sarcastic over her
mistakes, envies the woman whose
| husband merely beats her up wher
! he grows peevish with her.
Another place where the family hu-
morist simply scintillates is in teas
ing children. He delights in mimicing
| little Bobbie's pronunciation until lit
tie Bobbie grows perfectly insane with
| baffied rage. He thinks it is ex.
| Quisitely funny to reduce little Mary
| to tears. by pretending to steal hel
| dolly.
And he tells the things that little
| Willie has told him in the deepest
confidence right before little Willie
! and the grown-upS scream with
| laughter and little Willie dies a thou.
| sand deaths of agony as his sensitive
little soul shrvels up within him.
How any human being can be cal
| lous enough to try to be funny at the
| expense Of a helpless little child; how
| anybody can be brutal enough to tor.
The Washington herald., 1918-08-16
CANNING WITH HONEY.

The sugar shortage in the canning
of fruits seems discouraging at times.
However the true blue American
always finds a way to preserve food.
One of our readers last summer had
plenty of fruit but no sugar. She
experimental by using honey instead
of sugar and was most successful.
Let more Of us profit by this valuable
experience.
Honey is said to act as a preserva-
tive SO that its use in canning fruits
should be advantageous.
The extracted honey (strained) is
the most economical to purchase.
That OF lighter color has a milder
flavor.
Honey syrups can be made as di-
rected regarding sugar syrups. In
using honey as a sweetening agent,
dilute 1t with cold water in the pro-
portion of one-half honey and one
half cold water. For very Juicy
fruits use one and one-fourth cupfuIs
honey to each cupful cold water or
fruit juice.
The Washington herald., 1918-08-16
SEASONABLE
RECIPES.

Corn a la Southern-To cupfuls
fresh grated corn add eggs slightly
beaten, teaspoonful salt. is tea
spoonful pepper IL tablespoonfuls
melted butter or butter substitute and
cupfuls hot milk. Pour into A bak-
ing dish and bake in a slow oven
until firm.
Corn Fritters-Two cupfuls fresh
grated corn. l cupful jam. tea
spoonful baking powder, teaspoon
fuls salt, IA teaspocnful paprika and
eggs. Chop corn. drain and add dry
ingredients mixed and sifted: then add
yolks of eggs beaten until thick, ana
fold in stiffiy beaten whites of eggs.
Drop by spoonfuls in smoking hot fat
Drain on brown paper and serve.
To Skin Tomatoes-Dip the tomatoes
one at a time into boiling water to
cover for just a second or two. Then
dip them into cold water. Remove the
skins. Be careful not to allow toma-
toes to he in boiling water too long or
they will become soft.
Plckled HucKleberrles. Two
boxes huckleberries. Il cupful vine
gar. l ID. extracted honey.
Boil honey and vinegar ten min
utes, removing all scum as it arises
Wash and drain berries and blanch
in boiling water one minute. To
blanCh, put berries into a cheese
cloth bag and dip into the boiling
water. Then dip them into cold
water and out at once. Pack into
hot sterilized jars. Fill with boil
ing syrup. adjust the scalded rub
bers and tops. partially seal and
sterilize in boiling water fifteen
minutes. Seal and test for leaks
Whole spices may be added if de-
sired.
Blackberries in Honey-One cup
full cold water, 1 cupful extracted
honey. Make a syrup from water
and Il the honey and bring to boiling
point Wash and drain berries and
add syrup. Allow these to simmer one
minute. Then fill hot sterilized jars
with berries. Add remaining honey
to boiling syrup and boil I'VE minutes
Then pour over the berries to fill Jars
Adjust rubbers and covers. partially
seal. and sterilize under boiling water
twelve minutes. Seal and test for
leaks.
The Washington herald., 1918-08-16

Spring Lake. After q week at the
seaside, Mr.. and Mrs. Rapley will
make a tour Of the Adirondacks and
New England resorts.
Having closed her apartment in the
Farragut early in the season, Mrs.
Margaret Monteiro Berry is spending
the summer at her country estate,
Overton, in Bradley Hills, Md, where
her nephews, Mr.. Cartwright Car
michael and his younger brother. OF
Durham, N. c., archer guests.
Mr.. william Donald Carmichael, jr.,
also of Durham, paid Mrs. Berry a
visit while en- route to join the Avia-
ton Corps on Long Island.
Mrs. Frank Lord. who has been taxi
ing an automobile trip through .,ew
England with Mr.. Lord, Is now at Blue
Ridge Summit, Pa. Miss Isabel Noyes
will Join her there next week.
Mrs. James Mcdonald, who has
been visiting Mr.. and Mrs. Francis
Bunall Hoffman at Southampton, l..
l., is now the guest of Mr.. and Mrs.
Robert A. Gardiner at Maidstone Hall.
their place at East Hampton, L. 1.
Mrs. Gail S. Buchanan, OF San
Francisco, has just returned from New
York. where she was in conference
with the War Work Council of the Y.
w. c. A. Mrs. Buchanan's husband is
a captain in the aviation service and
is now in France
The Washington herald., 1918-08-16

had loved a beautiful girl when you
were young and that she had died
and You never could love again?"
Where are the lovers of yester-
yesr?'" quoted Barclay Sill smiling
ly.
Gone with the SHOWS" promptly
answered Donna. which means, ,"
she continued. that after all we do
net know anything about it
Love q mes. love goes who
know" again quoted Barclay si.I.
"Meiiy :tcw literally We all are
Sei'ing." l reE1ar<ed. and all at once
1t came over me that I was bored a
little.
, Little book. never was bored when
Dick was talking-and Dick never was
i literary In his life. One thing that
makes me realize that / am growing
! old is that begin to see that life is
Sleater than literature. Donna made
"a move to go and l became very ner =
ous. ! did not wish to be left aione
with Barclay Sill.
1 felt like a girl with the knowl-
edge that her first declaration of love
was coming to her. Truly, little
book, I was not sure. and 1 am not
| sure yet whether l am going to ac-
| cept or refuse Barclay Sill when he
| proposes.
There. I am sure I am growing old.
| because IL II were back in the past
| back as far as that happy time when
! Dick was showing me that he was
having a hard time to keep from
asking me to marry him. would be
very much excited. Now my heart
never misses a beat unless Barclay
| Sill happens to say something in that
voice of his that is at times so much
| like Dicks.
| l think. little book. IL Barclay Sill's
! voice were always like Dicks !
| would be like the princess in the fairy
tale. / would marry him and live
! happy ever after
! Maybe.
CTo Be Continued.)
The Washington herald., 1918-08-16
Waist Department.

% Madras. Linene. GinEham
and Cotton Crepe Waists, taken
from our regular stock: soiled
from handling. SI.65 ench. We're
S225. $3.50 and S3.25.
4 Pink and White and Blue
and White Stripe Cotton Crepe
Waists. SI.95 each. Were S2.s5
and $3.50.
3 Linen Striped and Polka Dot
and White Stripe Ginghsm and
Wolfe Waists, SI.95 each. Were
$3.50. $3.50 and $500.
80 Georgette and Crepe de
Chine Waists. in rose, white. or
child, maize. flesh and blue and
white check: taken from regular
stock, S3.9S zach. Were $500,
s575 and S6.75.
10 Maize and Flesh Jap Silk
Waists. s2.95 each. Were s3.ss.
Tl.Td fOOr-tS Il
The Washington herald., 1918-08-16
TOCletY
~ 7" VAs7'~070"7
IN WASHINGTON

Not until word was received of their
it permitted to announce that the
President and Mrs. Wilson had left
Washington Wednesday night. to
spend a brief vacation as guests Of
Col and Mrs. E. NJ. House. at Mag
nolia, Mass. They left the White
House about 9 O'Clock Wednesday
evening, accompanied by Admiral
Cary T. Grayson, the Presidents ply
sician and naval aid. and reached
Magnolia about twelve hours later.
probably to remain over the week
end, chiefly that the President might
have a little breathing spell before
Congress comes back to work for an
indefinite period. and quite possibly
that he might talk over with his most
trusted advisor. some OF the knotty
problems that are claInoring for de-
cision and adjustment.
Mrs. Newton D. Baker and Mrs.
Herbert Hoover were honor guests at
a garden party given last evening at
the Collegiate Alumnae Associations
headquarters at 25O6 K street. north
west. The college women employed
IN the Treasury Department. and in
the Ordnance Bureau. who are mem
bers Of the association were the host
esses Of the occasion. OF which a
song recital by Mrs. Baker was the
feature.
Secretary and Mrs. Baker are plan
ming to motor to Pottstown, Pa. Mrs.
Bakers home town, for as much Of
the weekend as Mr.. Baker can spare.
They expect to leave Washington Sat-
urday morning and return Sunday
evening.
This evening Mrs. Baker will sing
at a patriotic gathering at Berwyn.
Paul s. Reinsch, American Minister
to China, has been in Washington for
several days. and for whom the
Chinese Minister gave a dinner Tues
day night. will leave for New York
today.
Rear Admiral Nathaniel r. Usher
L. S. N, commander of the Third
Naval district. will give a theater
party for the opening performance
OF Everything" at the Hippodrome,
New York. next Thursday evening
in honor of Capt. Carlos Daireaux. OF
the Argentine battleship Rivadavia,
and Capt. Cesar Augusta de Mello,
Of the Brazilian battleship San Paulo
with the members of their staffs.
The Washington herald., 1918-08-16
HOROSCOPE.
Friday, August 10, 1918.

According to astrology this is a
fairly fortunate day. for Neptune and
Jupiter rule strongly for good. while
Venus and Mars are slightly ad'
verse.
1t is a lucky day for large business
deals. Jupiter is in a place that
seems to presage success in all con-
tracts that affect the navy or ship
building.
Bankers should benefit during this
rule Of the stars, which apparently
promises extraordinary activities and
enterprises.
Questions demanding the services
of lawyers and judges are likely %
come much to the fore in the next
few weeks.
It is not a favorably day for ro-
nance. Love affairs come under an
The Washington herald., 1918-08-16

tried because it made me we'll, and
1 can now do my housework. lam
telling my friends about it."-Mrs.
J. NJ. CAMUs, 726 Caroline St., Key
West, Florida
Many women at some period in
their life suffer from ailments pecu-
liar to their sex and which in most
cases may be readily relieved by
this famous root and herb medicine,
Lydia Z. Pinkham's Vegetable Com
pound, just as Mrs. Camus found it
helped her after suffering for years
and trying everything else in vain.
II you have any annoying symp-
toms you fail to understand, write
Lydia E. Pinkham Medicine Co.,
Lynn, Mass. The results of their
forty years experience in advising
SoE.en on this subject 10 at youI
service.
The Washington herald., 1918-08-16
Remnant Day Offerings
Mems Department.

81 mems Ribbed Lisle Gauze
Weight Athletic Shirts. slightly
imperfect; sizes 81. Sc and 40.
2Sc each. Were CSC.
27 Mems Checked Nainsook
Sleeveless Athletic Union Suits,
ribbed insert across back: size
30 only. $I.OO suit. Regularly
$3.50.
dozen Mems Wash FQur-in-
Hand Ties. white grounds. with
embroidered figures and woven
stripes: all fast colors. &c
euch. We're SOC.
Is dozen Mems Plain Black
Seamless Silk Socks. double Isle
soles. toes and heels; sizes ga
to IL. Sc pnir. Were 15c.
Main fDOr-F II.
The Washington herald., 1918-08-16

Vow IL the Time to Get Rid of
Thoxe ITUIy SpOts

Vow Is the Time to Get Rid of
Those Ugly Spots.
There's no longer the slightest
need of feeling ashamed of your
freckles, as Othine-double strength
lis guaranteed to remove these
homely spots.
Simply get an ounce Of Othine-
double strength-from any drug
gist and apply a little of it night
and morning and you should soon
see that even the worst freckles
have begun to disappear, while the
lighter ones have vanished entirely.
1t is seldom that more than an ounce
is needed to completely clear the
skin and gain a beautiful clear
complexion.
Be sure to ask for the double
strength Othine as this is sold un-
der guarantee of money back IL 1t
fails to remove freckles.-Ady.
The Washington herald., 1918-08-16
Wonen's Sweaters.

Gray Fiber Coat Sweater.
with sailor collar and sash, size
30. S5.55. Was S6.75.
Khaki Fiber Coat Sweater.
with sailor collar and sash, size
40. Ss..5. Was S6.75.
Rose Fiber Coat Sweater.
with sailor collar and sash, size
~. S5.55. Was ss7s.
Turquoise Blue Fiber Coat
Sweaters. fancy weave. sailor
collar and sash; size -. OF
"a: Sa.55 each. Were S6.75.
Black Fiber Coat Sweater.
fancy weave. with sailor collar
and hPlted back; size 3s: sS.s5.
Was Sl0.G5.
Nile Green Slip-on Shetland
Sweater. with gray brushed wool
, sailor collar and cuffs; size ~:
S.5.T5. Was S6.TS.
3 Third suar-G s.
The Washington herald., 1918-08-16

LOVE IS NOT In EPIGRAMS.

Marriage" continued Donna. els
more monotonous than monotony IT.
self. -.s
Marriage is more exciting than
any excitement the Imagination can
conceive.
Marriage makes the tasks Of
Hercules look like play.
Marriage is the most interesting
of any vocation.
Marriage is the most boresome
of human states.
Marriage is ecstatic bliss.
Marriage is daily. yes hourly,
plain.
Marriage in shortis all the world
can give to mortals and they can
make it what they choose"
Hear! hear! The two most charm
ing widows in town discoursing on
marriage" murmured Barclay Sill.
why do you talk about it. my
dears? Why don't you live it?' he
inquired with that little plaJtully
sarcastic tone that Dick so often
used which always makes me want
to put my hand on his shoulder.
Marriage is not an immortal
state" suggested Donna quickly,
"and you must remember. Barclay.
that the very name OF widow i'm
plies that we have lived it."
Love is immortal" quoted soft
ly.
Perhaps" said Barclay Sill. but
1t says nothing in my curriculum
about the object OF love being i'm
mortal. In my philosophy love Is
not only immortal. but omnipresent
and already to be transferred very
quickly from one beloved object to
another"
You are a splendid one to eluci-
date such theories, my dear Bar
clay" taunted Donna. was it not
only a year ago that one evening
you told me that the reason you
had never married was because you
The Washington herald., 1918-08-16
Women's Corsets.

12 pairs Parame Corsets. me-
dium bust and skirt. white
French c"util: sizes &c. -. IS,
%. ~ and 80: $500 pair. Were
Sl1.5O.
pairs Parame Corsets. low
hust and long skirt, white
french cOutil: sizes p. %. 25,
2S. %. % and 30; $500 pair.
Were slO.5N.
laird far-F :.
The Washington herald., 1918-08-16

Here is a dish that has as much
building material as one and a quar-
ter pounds of solid meat and 1t tastes
fine. Boil two cups of rice. Mix it with
two cupfuls of tomatoes. half a pound
Of grated cheese and one tablespoon
full of salt. Pour it into baking dish
and bake half en hour. Onions may
be used as a fiavoring or IL desired
some peppers or celery can be cut up
and boiled with the rice.
The Washington herald., 1918-08-16

terrlDle p a l q 8
and an awful
weakness in my
back. The doc
tor gave me diff
ferent medicines
but they did me
no 90 d. A
friend asked me
to try Lydia E.
Pinkham's S Vege-
table Compound
and I found it
to be the best
mndin;~A r a-ar
The Washington herald., 1918-08-16
Bows Suits.

I Small lot Of Roys' Woolcn Me-
dunn and Lightweight suits:
broken sizes. S TO IS years: one.
two and three Of a kiIi. -nrv
desirable for fall wear. S5.9S
suit. Were $3.50 and $1,000
Boys Palm Beach Suits. light.
rledium and dark shades: broken
sizes; $500 suit. Were S7-50.
Fourth 1Oor-,i -