The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1918-09-17
COUSIN DAVIS WRITES COUSIN
PERCY ON THE CONCERT.


Grand Opera House. think they
called it Grand because they knew
we, meaning Kerr & Edison, were
coming to give this concert.
No, Mr.. Edison, my partner, will
not be here to sing, but he is sending
his best-looking stenographer and one
of his chauffeurs down to take his
place. They are fine singers and l
know they will draw big crowd.
No, no, I am not to sing either
am to preside and make the welcome
address and also the valedictory.
have been practicing up on my speech
which Uncle Jim wrote for me. You
know that Aunt Sis and Cousin Fan
ME have been in the mountains dur
ing all the cold weather. ,and now that
it is hot again, they are coming home
to spend the summer.
Well, while they were gone, Uncle
Jim stayed at my house at meal TIM :,
and he said as he was somewhat con-
nected with the firm, as being the
man who furnished the money and
paid the bills, he would make the
opening address at the concert, but, l
said, no, as I am so much better
speaker than you, will do the speak
ing myself, besides am friend to
the poor man, and as you are a rich
man it would never do for you to do
the speaking.
Uncle jim kicked a little, but said
this is so, but that he would be COM
PEELED, as a member of the firm, to
take hand in the matter. So, I said
as you are the silent partner, you
write the speech and I will crate it to
the multitude, which he agreed to do,
if Big Sister would punctuate the
speech after it was written, as he said
the rules of punctuation had changed
a good deal since he studied Smiths
Grammar on Rocky River.
So Uncle Jim gave his head about
three big scratches and got out his
pencil and got down to writing at
once. He sat up five or six nights,
but he finally got it to end to suit him,
and he said it would "get action" if
delivered right, and that is where 1
come in.
Now, I know that you would like
to know what is in the speech, and I
will tell you what I am to say, only
you must not give it out to the press
until after I have delivered it. Re-
member, as the newspapers say, this
speech is not released for publication
until after it has been shot.
Well, when the curtain goes up,
you see, I will be sitting cross-legged
on the stage, with my new suit on,
my shoes shined, and my bald head
freshly polished, looking as indiffer-
ent as possible. After the applause
has at length died down, 1 rise slow
ly, jerk down my vest, walk up to the
front of the flatform, clear up my
throat, look first to the right and then
to the left, and will then speak the
speech as follows:
Friends, wayfarers and forget
me-nots: Horses are horses, and
mules are cash, but. this is a concert.
1t is being given by myself, proprie-
tor of the Emporium, the three Hs.
wagons, buggies and lap-robes, and
lead partner of Kerr & Edison. Mr..
Edison, as you may have heard some
one else say, is the lizard of electri-
city in this country. did not say so,
myself, for I believe that a man
should blow his own horn, and let 9TH
er gentlemen do the same.
81 will not sing myself tonight, be-
cause you know a concert means sing
ing. Concert is a Latin word, COM
ing from the three stems, wine, wo-i
men, song. But in these latter days
it is confined to song. Now my voice
is not just right and unless I had been
hunting several days I am not able
even to whistle. My partner, Mr..
Edison, also is unavoidably detained
from being here this auspicious even
ing, but it has been his pleasure to