davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Tombstone epitaph., 1918-02-24
WITTY AMID FALLING SHELLS
irishman Within an Inch Of Death An
swered Suaerior's Fool Question
With Ready Humor.

As Private Mulligan Of the
the Irish, was leaning against the
sandbag parnpet. dividing his period
Of guard between nervous glances
through the battered periscope and
day-dreams Of the little colleen back
In the Emerald isle. a noisy shell Of
the SO pattern insinuated its brazen
nasal organ into the earth about two
feet in front of Pats parapet, thereby
making a far different channel Of
thought for the Irishman.
After the smoke had cleared a little
and the confusion subsidized a subaltern
In action for the first time protruded
his startled vision from a nearby dug
out, and gazed in horror on the only
visible portion Of Patrick. that be-
Ing his head, and in q voice Of plain
i've inquiry asked:
"Er-er-Mulligan was that a
shellr'
For . moment Pat looked innumer-
able things at his superior. and then
remembering who he was. answered.
keeping the sarcasm 40 much to him
self as possible:
mo. sort. Shure. 1t was only an ex-
plosive bullet. sorr!'
Tombstone epitaph., 1918-02-24
CURIOUS CONVERSATIONS

Florida contains about 4.O00.O00
acres Of land waiting to be reclaimed
by proper drainage. Contracts for
draining almost the entire EvergIade
region have been made.
A dog In Hennifier. n. H.. In pursu.
ing a hedgehog, climbed from limb
to limb of tree to height Of 10 feet.
1t took the help of three boys to get
him down.
A compass invented In France for
aviators shows the deviation from any
set course In addition to pointing to-
ward the north.
A two-wheeieti trniier with a capac-
ity of a ton Of coal and which can be
hauled behind q runabout automobile
has been invented.
An electrical device Of European in-
vention to enable moving train to set
q signal makes use Of slight sinking
of Q rail- a. q train passes over II.
The use Of the magnetic pulley 10 ~
move particles Of certain metals from
nonmaEnetic material IN bulk has "a.
esnded to ~ Different indusfrieaL
Tombstone epitaph., 1918-02-24
Had n Fellow FEELING.

The village concert was in progress
and although all the local talent was
mustered. Johnny. the squirrels son and
heir. was bored. badly bored.
His mother grew anxious about him
but when small girl started piping
THE Minstrel Boy" and reached the
line. His fathers sword he has girded
on" Johnny fairly pricked up his ears
in excitement.
You like this. johnny" said his
mother. ut is"
BE quiet, mother. do" said Johnny,
impatiently. II want TO hear what
happens when his father gets to
know London Tit-Bits.
Tombstone epitaph., 1918-02-24
Tied His Doc to "FIivver. /"

When Henry Ward. prominent in Sa-
lima (Kan.) business affairs. tied his
vicious bulldog to his "fiivver," merely
as q protection to dogs with better dis
positions, he was arrested.
GUILTY." asked the court, after in
forming the defendant he was charged
with violating a city ordinance against
attaching a tin can to a dogs tail.
Yes, SIR" was the reply.
Eleven dollars" said the court. And
Mr.. Ward paid.
Tombstone epitaph., 1918-02-24

to save the cake for refreshment. none
was Forthcoming for Johnny. For a
long time he patiently waited, and
then rose to go.
Il really believe. grandma" he re-
marked. as he picked up his hat, that
! smell cocoanut cake"
The broad hint was fruitful, but NOT
abundantly %. Going to the kitchen
grandma cut him on q small slice.
II thought So" commented JOHNNY.
- be took the dainty. hut doesnt II
seem strange, grandma, that I could
nell such very snail pdecer
Tombstone epitaph., 1918-02-24
Lesson In Geography,

Readers Of General Allenby's dis
patches. unfamiliar with the peculiar
tiles Of the Dead sea, were not a little
puzzled at his description of British
airplanes flying four hundred feet be
low the sea level. But reference to a
geography brought the information
which solved the riddle; the Dead sea
lies 1872 feet below the surface of the
Mediterranean. SO that airplanes sail
ing four hundred feet below sea level
were still at an elevation Of eight hun
dred and ninety-two feet. Lessons in
geography abound In the papers now
adays!
Tombstone epitaph., 1918-02-24
aaw W~@MT Ueoov

house was filled. Washington was
very frequent guest at the Carlyle
house and one can easily imagine the
part he played in that atmosphere OF
bonnteous hospitality and courtly
grace.
Tradition has IL that II was in that
very honse that Washington met one
OF his Few defeats. On the right Of
the broad hallway is what was once
drawing room. said to have been fin
ished originally in white and gold. and
there on many occasions Washington
took an active part in the social fes-
Misunderstanding many fair Virgin
ian through the stately minuet and the
less formal reel. The hallway. itself.
IL tradition be correct. has its own
sentimental interest. for 1t was at the
foot OF the beautiful staircase Of solid
mahogany that Washington awaited
the coming of lovely Sally Fairfax
upon n certain evening. and. while es-
corting her to the ballroom. offered
that lady his heart and was refused.
On the opposite side Of this same
hall Is the blue and white room"
which was John Carlyle's particular
retreat or sanctum. That room is OF
especial interest TO US as nation. for
IL was there that Washington re-
ceived his commission as member
of General Braddock's staff in 1855.
What Washington learned upon that
disastrous campaign against the In
dams and with British soldiers taught
him much which later he put to good
service In behalf of his country.
Braddoek Took Possession.
When Braddock arrived he accept
ed the proffered hospitality Of John
Carlyle and established headquarters
there The little blue and white room
became the military council chamber.
and IL was there that the plans were
made for the campaign. Washington's
previous experience as a leader Of Vir-
ginia troops against the savages made
him all the more welcome Mt the con-
ferences. and his keen judgment and
practical advice earned for him Brad
docks admiration and won for him his
cOlOnelcy upon the generals staff.
We who count our dollars and make
our purchases In hard coin bur little
realize the part the "vile weed" played
in all commercial transactions in Vir-
ginia 80 years ago. The fragrant
OrOnokO tobacco had fame which
reached TO Europe. and this was the
common medium Of exchange. The
II. a. a
Tombstone epitaph., 1918-02-24


Their, the first president set an ex-
In some sections Of the country with
all the acclaim Of something new. The
markets which are being opened for the
purpose of bringing the farm products
to the consumer. to the exclusion Of
the middleman, are by no means
twentieth century invention. Most
people don't know that George Wash
ington essayed truck gardening and
the maintenance of market wagon,
to the no small blessing but the So
cial dismay, of some Alexandrians, but
II Is fact.
We read so much Of the grooming
board" steaming joiats Of luscious
fare Of all sorts in the days Of colo
NAL plenty. that We think the period
a time of feasting and unlimited abun-
dance, and recall but few Of the hard
ships, Of which there were many. II
was to provide variety and to make
his neighbors more satisfied with their
lot that Washington sent his market
wagon just once in so often to Alex
andria loaded with the products Of
the farmyard and the field Of Mount
Vernon. History does not. tell US
whether Washington reached the
hearts Of his associates more speedily
by the short route Of their stOmachs.
but there Is no doubt that his wise
forethought brought him both graft
tude and substantial reward.
The Cart Goes to Town.
Old Parson Weems, who has chatted
so glibly about life In Alexandria, tells
us that there was time there when
the town had more reason to boast Of
its beauty than its capacity to glad
den the inner man. To quote that rev.
ercnd chrOnicler:
The neighbOrhood Of Belle Haven
(such was Alexandria's early name)
was not q desert; on the contrary. II
was In many places a garden spot
Astounding with luxuries. But its in
habitants, the wealthy. were not wise.
BY the successful culture Of tobacco
they had money. And having filled
their coach houses with gilt car
riages and their dining rooms with
gilt glasses, they began to look down
upon the poorer sort and to talk about
families. OF course II would never
do for such people to run market
carts! Hence the poor Belle Haven
ties, though embosomed in plenty, were
often In danger Of gnawing their nails.
And unless they could cater a lamb
from some good-natured cracker or
q leash Of chickens from the Sunday
negroes. were obliged to sit down with
long faces to half-graced dinner Of
salt meat and journey cake.
This was the order Of the day. A. d.
80, when Washington, just married
to the wealthy young widow Custis.
had settled at Mount Vernon. nine
miles below Belle Haven. The I'M
pleasant situation Of the families at
Tombstone epitaph., 1918-02-24

You cannot put a criminal on his
honor declares a prominent neuro-
pathologist- Perhaps not. but a crimi
nal sometimes puts one over on his
honor.
Tombstone epitaph., 1918-02-24

mat place soon reached his ears. To
a man Of his character. with too much
spirit to follow bad example when he
had the power to set a good one. and
too much wit TO look for happiness
anywhere but in his own bosom. 1t
could not long be questionable what
part he had 10 act.
"A market cart was instantly con-
structed and regularly three times a
week sent OF to Belle Haven filled
with nice roasters. kidney covered
lamb and veal, green geese. Eat ducks
and gobblers. chickens by the basket.
fresh butter, new-laid eggs. vegetables
and fruit Of all sorts. Country gen
tlemen dining with their friends in
town very soon remarked the welcome
change in diet. Bless us all y exclaim-
ed they, what's the meaning Of
this? You invite us to family fare
and here You have given us a lord
mayors feast Yea replied the 9TH
ers. thank God for sending a Colonel
Washington into our neighborhoOd.'
The cat was thus let out Of the
Dag. to the extreme modification Of
the Little Great ones that Colonel
Washington should ever have run a
market cart
Famous Carlyle House.
The market where Washington sent
his farm products lay right in the
heart Of Alexandria and upon a square
about which stood some Of the towns
most noted residences and landmarks.
Among these was the Carlyle house.
and despite the passage Of time and
the physical changes wrought in that
quaint Virginia city. this historic home
survives intact today. The Carlyle
house is intimately identified with
Washington's career and particularly
with the very beginning OF his mill
tary calling.
As the story goes. the bricks for the
building were imported and so. too. the
stone OF which it was built In 1872
John s. Carlyle utilized for part
Of the foundation q portion Of
an old fort. which many years earlier
had stood guard against the Indians
for the protection Of English traders
on Hunting Creek. as the place was
then known. The barracks Of that adj
vance post Of civilization became the
cellar Of the Carlyle house. and there
in its cool shadows was stored the
mellow wine that tickled the palates
Of those days. From the heavy beams
overhead hung pendant the luscious
hams for which Virginia Is still noted
Tombstone epitaph., 1918-02-24

The new sunspot that is $4,000 miles
across is some spot. but a tenspot in
the hand is better than a 5000 mile
sunspot that is 100000 miles dis
tant.
Tombstone epitaph., 1918-02-24

The cost Of radium has been reduced
so that any ordinary millionaire can
meet 1t: but Of course the pessimist
will find something else to growI
about
Tombstone epitaph., 1918-02-24

Women Of the future will be taller
and darker. says a scientist. and the
chubby blondes are prepared to assert
that he knows nothing whatever about
It
Tombstone epitaph., 1918-02-24

German inventive skill is said to
have discovered substitute for cot
ton. 1t remains to be seen whether
King Cotton can be dethroned by a
Pretender.
Tombstone epitaph., 1918-02-24

Federal prisoners can now buy
candy if they wish. which will make
them see the truth Of the poets song
that sweet are the uses of adversely.
Tombstone epitaph., 1918-02-24
Literal,

Agnes, aged three. had got some but
ter on her hand. and to get it Off she
put her hand around her mothers
waist and wiped her hand on her
mothers apron. Her mother said: as
this an embrace?" NO" Agnes re-
piled. Its butter"
Tombstone epitaph., 1918-02-24

No sooner does one savant gain
credit for showing ways and means
for prolonging life than another gets
a gold medal for an invention calcu-
lated to shorten II.
Tombstone epitaph., 1918-02-24
Didn't Seem Possible.

Reference in the lobby Of Wash
lnytcn club WIS made tn the keen Wits
Of the rising generation when this
story was contributed BY Representa-
i've Joseph b. Thompson Of Oklaho-
ma:
there was q little boy who used to
can ut the home Of his grandma every
Saturday afternoon. and ~ reward
for his constancy he was always given
\ slice Of cocoanut cake.
One afternoon, however. grandma
vss sxpecting company. and wishing
Tombstone epitaph., 1918-02-24

Two men can love the same girl and
respect each other. but II they both
happen to want the same office. each
Is satisfied that the other is a scoun.
drel.
Tombstone epitaph., 1918-02-24

OF course. an inveterate smoker can
save much by smoking five-cent cigars
If he can manage to keep their sparks
from burning up his four dollar linen
shirts
Tombstone epitaph., 1918-02-24

} One charm Of trench life, says a
soldier, is that the men do not have
to wash. That should make a great
hit with our army Of hoboes. in case
Of hostilities.
Tombstone epitaph., 1918-02-24

The days of autumn lose some Of
their proverbial melancholy when 1t
Is remembered that they put an end
to the seashore bathing accidents.
Tombstone epitaph., 1918-02-24

Consider how much more graceful q
woman looks when photographed hold.
ing a bow and arrow than she does
when photographed in the act of swat.
ting q golf pill
Tombstone epitaph., 1918-02-24

Paris bride began her honeymoon
In an aeroplane. This is not SO sur.
prising. as honeymooners are gener.
ally credited with being In the clouds.
Tombstone epitaph., 1918-02-24

AS to the foolish age Of women. in
CURED about by a contemporary. 1t is
usually reached long about the third
time she asks What's trumps?"
Tombstone epitaph., 1918-02-24

Pfles Cured In s to n Days
Dsa0h0 refund money II PAZO OINTMENT fais
70 Itching. Blind. Bleeding Prutruding Pile.
Btfyt application gives relief toc-
Tombstone epitaph., 1918-02-24

Two editors fought duel in Spain.
Both We're roundly applauded by tho
public.
Tombstone epitaph., 1918-02-24

49, Who are subject 70 frequent ~colds
b the hsad'' viii ind that the uss Of
HALLS CATARRH MEDICINE wil
5uild up. the System. cleanse the Blood
md rondsf thsm less liable to colds.
Repeated a&tacks Of Acute Catarrh may
lad to Chronic CatArrh.
HALLS CXTARRH MEDICINE - tax.
- Internally and acts through the Blood
= The Nucouo 6urfacas Of the System
An Druggists nc. Testimoniais free.
Qmee for any case Of satarrh tnaS
,. J. Cheney q Co.. Toledo. Ohio.
Tombstone epitaph., 1918-02-24
Good Substitute.

Judge Ben B. Lindsay said In an ad
1ress before a wayfarer's lodge In Chi
ago:
The man who gets on, the man who
climbs up, IL to be neat man.
There 10 no armor against fate. but
I clean shirt IL q good substitute"
Tombstone epitaph., 1918-02-24

There are prophets who hate the
sunlight because II blisters the gloomy
surface Of their prophecy.
Tombstone epitaph., 1918-02-24
Good Reason.

I've cut out smoking lately"
How'd that happen?"
Going with q different crowd nOw.~
Tombstone epitaph., 1918-02-24

Be happy. Ua Red Cross Bag Blue;
nseA better than liquid blue. Deliehts
Tombstone epitaph., 1918-02-24
Seeus Impossible.

Seems Impossible.
Il can imagine many things. but"
But what?" But a Russian making
peace"
Tombstone epitaph., 1918-02-24

One thorn Of experience is worth q
whole wilderness Of warning.-Lowell.
Tombstone epitaph., 1918-02-24

Half q loaf Ii better than Q whole
0Afer.
The Aberdeen weekly. [volume] (Aberdeen, Miss.) 1878-1933, 1918-04-26

stakes would be silhOuetted against its
| light like a latticed window. Then
| darkness.
Once, out in front of our wire, 1
heard a noise and saw dark forms
moving. My rifle was lying across the
sandbagged parapet. / reached for it,
and was taking aim to fire, when my
| mate grasped my arm, and whispered,
Don't fire." He challenged in low
voice. The reply came back instantly
from the dark forms:
"Shut your blinkin' mouth, you
bloomin' idiot; do you want US to click
1T from the Boches?"
Later we learned that the word. "No
| challenging or firing. wiring party out
in 'front.'" had been given TO the sentry
on our right. but he had failed to pass
1t down the trench An officer had over
heard our challenge and the reply. and
Immediately put the offending sentry
under arrest. The sentry clicked
twenty-One days on the wheel, that is,
he received twenty-one days field pun
ishment No. 1, or "crucifixion," as
Tommy terms it.
This consists Of being spread-eagled
on the wheel of timber two hours a
day for twenty-One days, regardless Of
the weather. During this period. your
rations consist of bully beef, biscuits
and water.
A few months later met this sentry
and he cOnfided to me that since being
"crucified." he had never failed to pass
the word down the trench when SO or
dered. In view of the OffenSe, the
above punishment was very light, in
that failing to pass the word down a
trench may mean the loss of many
lives, and the spelling Of some impor-
tant enterprise in No Mans Land.
The Aberdeen weekly. [volume] (Aberdeen, Miss.) 1878-1933, 1918-04-26

No matter what ais your child. n
gentle. thorough laxative should al
ways be the first treatment given.
Ii your little one is out of sorts,
half-sick, isn't resting, eating and nct-
ing naturally-look. Mother! see III
tongue is coated. This Is sure sign
that the little stomach. liver and bow
els are clogged with waste. When
cross. irritable. feverish, stomach sour.
breath bad or has stomnch-ache dinr-
rhea. sore throat. full OF cold. give n
teaspoonful of california Syrup OF
Figs" and I'm few hours all the con-
stipated poison. undigested food ana
sour bile gently moves out of the 1T
tie bowels without gripping, and you
have n well. playful child again.
Mothers can rest easy after giving
this harmless fruit laxative" because
IL never fails 10 cleanse the little ones
liver and bowels and sweeten the stom-
ach and they dearly love It's pleasant
taste. Full directions for babies chill
dren Of all ages and for grown-ups
printed on ench bottle.
Beware OF counterfeit fig syrups.
Ask your druggist for bottle of Gal
ifornia Syrup OF Figs" then see that
1t IL made by the california Fig Syrup
COMMUNICATIVE ~
The Aberdeen weekly. [volume] (Aberdeen, Miss.) 1878-1933, 1918-04-26
FOODS TASTE BETTER COOKED
TOBACCO TASTES BETTER
TOASTED

Since the day of the caveman. who
liked his meat raw, civilization has
learned lot about the scientific treat
ment of the things we eat.
Naturally none of us would now
prefer to have our meat raw, our po-
tatoes as they come from the ground.
our coffee unroasted.
And naturally follows the great dis
covery recently made by The Ameri-
can Tobacco Co.--that tobacco tastes
better TOASTED!
This wonderful new idea-simple
like all great inventions-was first
used in producing the famous LUCKY
STRIKE Cigarette-made OF toasted
Burley tobacco.
Burley has a mellow flavor, entirely
different from the tobacco usually
used for cigarettes. II is pipe to-
bacco and LUCKY STRIKE Cigarettes
taste like pipe. Adv.
The Aberdeen weekly. [volume] (Aberdeen, Miss.) 1878-1933, 1918-04-26

every bone in our bodies ached. It
makes q lot of difference whether you
are "gOing In" or ''going out"
At the end Of the communication
trench, limbers were waiting on the
road for US. I thought we were going
to ride back to rest billets. but soon
found out that the only time an in
fantryman rides Is when he Is
wounded and Is bound for the base or
Blighty. These limbers carried our
reserve ammunition and rations. Our
march to rest billets was thoroughly
enjoyed by me. It seemed as IL I
were on furlough, and was leaving be-
hind everything that was disagree
able and horrible. Every recruit feels
this way after being relieved from the
trenches.
We marched eight kilos and then
halted in front Of a French estaminet
The captain gave the order to turn
out on each side Of the road and wait
his return. Pretty soon he came back
and told B company to occupy billets
1T, 118 and 110. Billet III was an
old stable which had previously been
occupied by cows. About four feet In
front Of the entrance was q huge ma
nurs pile, and the odor from 1t was
anything but pleasant. Using my
1ashlight I stumbled through the door.
Just before entering observed .
white Sign reading: sitting 50. lying
20" but, &C the dime. its significance
did not strike me. Next morning I
asked the sergeant major what Il
The Aberdeen weekly. [volume] (Aberdeen, Miss.) 1878-1933, 1918-04-26
Appealing His Case.

Tommy, you must ask the Lord to-
forgive you for everything you did to-
day. including the fight you had with
Bobby Smithers."
But, ma, That wasn't wrong. He
said his father could whip my father
an ! beat him till ne said my father
could whip his father"
"That was very wicked"
Maybe IL was. but I'm goin' 10 wait
Till dad comes home an ask him about
IT.
The Aberdeen weekly. [volume] (Aberdeen, Miss.) 1878-1933, 1918-04-26

Catarrh Is a local disease greatly infiu-
enced by constitutional conditions. IL
therefore requires constitutional treat
ment. HALLS cATARRH MEDICINE
ID taken internally and acts through the
Blood on the Mucous Surfaces OF the Sys-
tenn. HALLS CATARRH MEDICINE
destroys the foundation of the disease,
gives the patient strength by improving
the general health and assists nature m
doing its work. $1,000 for any case OF
Catarrh that HALLS CATARHH
MEDICINE fails TO cure.
Druggists 75c. Testimonials free.
The Aberdeen weekly. [volume] (Aberdeen, Miss.) 1878-1933, 1918-04-26
asy Game.

"why do you arrest meT howled
the alleged speedcr. II can show you
plenty who are violating the law worse
than I am"
eff were looking for burglars" re-
sponded the cop, your proposition
might interest me. But don't need
any help In ketching motorists."-
Louisville Courier-Journa
The Aberdeen weekly. [volume] (Aberdeen, Miss.) 1878-1933, 1918-04-26
ltehinq Burnlnu Skins.

For eczemas, rashes, feelings, irElta-
lions, pimpIcs, dandruff, sore hands.
and baby humors. CutIcura Soap and
Ointment are supremacy effective. For
free samples address "Cuticura. Dept.
x, Boston" At druggists and by mil
Soap 25, Ointment 25 and 50.--Adv.
The Aberdeen weekly. [volume] (Aberdeen, Miss.) 1878-1933, 1918-04-26
a Real Argument.

a Real Argument.
She II Q little five-year-old' girl Il
Ewing street. OF course she had VIC
lated . rule Of the home and was about
to be punished. "Now. papa. what
are you going to whip me forY' shs
asked. you see. have already done
what you told me not to do and I an
sure I WIN never do II again. SO Il
won't do any good to whip me-" An<
now papa Is wondering what viii be
come Of the child II her philosophy
grows with her years.-Indianapol
News.
The Aberdeen weekly. [volume] (Aberdeen, Miss.) 1878-1933, 1918-04-26
CHAPTER vi.


"Back Of the Line"
Our tour in the frOnt-line trench
lasted four days. and then we were
relieved by the - brigade.
Going down the communication
trench we were in a merry mood, al
though we were cold and wet, and
The Aberdeen weekly. [volume] (Aberdeen, Miss.) 1878-1933, 1918-04-26

Persons who buy photograph rec
orls probably have noticed that most
Of the dealers possess the faculty Of
remembering the numbers and do not
have to refer to the catalogues when
I record Is asked for by the title and
aot by the number. It's all Q matter Of
practice. according TO a Chamber
street dealer, who said:
TITS all In a days work. You see,
remembering the numbers of records Is
Just about the same as remembering
telephone numbers. Some are good at
Il and some are bad. but the average
iealer in records usually has the num-
0ers of the records at his finger tips"