The Birmingham age-herald., 1918-12-28
MEN, WOMEN
 AND THINGS

I thought I had been to about every
 kind of a banquet (which could b'
 lserved, but recently I sat down te one
 that had me guessing as to what
 was eating.
 It was a sure enough camouflags layout. I know that much which ons Igets in hotels and cafes has to be de- lvoured on faith while, all the time one
 has the suspicion that things are no,
 what they are advertised to he on the Ibill of fare.
 Many poor kid has been cruelty
 slaughtered and set before lovers of lamb as real, choice spring offerings, but with a good mint sauce and com ing appetite manages to get down with out a bleat or kick from the double
 crossed diner.
 Then again all the trout which is
 served never swan in cool, rushing
 streams waiting to be tempted by the
 fly of some Izaak Walton, but was lhooked with bait in a sluggish stream
 or seined out of a pond. There are sew
 eral varieties of fish substituted for
 the higher priced ones, for all are not like the salmon, with a give-away color,
 which is hard to fake.
 It is hardly worth while to drag in
 the old joke about a wiener wagging | it's tail when it's master inadvert-
 ently ordered "hot dog" and as spe-
 cial compliment was served his own pet Fido. It. along with the old saul
 sage legend, is kept alive for the pur- pose of nagging the butchers and ought
 to Ne quieted for anyone knows that dog meat is too high to be served as
 g piece de resistance. even by the opu- lent beef trust.
 l l know men who are so suspicious
 that they won't buy 3 rabbit in the
 market unless he is wearing his suit of | fur, and no amount of moral suasion them carry home squirrel which had been skinned, It's shame how some people refuse to trust even reliable dealers when it's a matter of game. l The novel banquet at which I regis- tered was the one pulled off at the Ala
 hama Polytechnic institute at Auburn at the meet of the Alabama State Hor- 1 lticultural society. It was to be a dem Ionstration and advertisement of what | could be done if every COW, sheep, goat and hog in the land passed away or was lcommandeered by Hoover to send to starving Europe.
 Theoretically I have been much taken by the propaganda of the vegetarians, 1 but not to the extent of foregoing | of diet I was a ''middle-roader," and would not take sides to the extent of refusing to sit at table with either the beef eaters or the apostles of vege- tables.
 l To be perfectly frank, it's about as dangerous to ask me to eat as it is to invite me to talk, for have never so far refused to do either, and even
 though peace is in sight am not at all in mood to give up my inalienable e rights to eat or talk for my country. So, when I got bid to be present Immediately wired my acceptance and Twas on hand at the appointed hour. I had the pleasure of sitting next to Dr. Thach who, before the banquet Nas sarved shouad ma tba lx;tolo,, ,,, which 1400 meals were served three l times a day, It was the regular army
 model and was built for speed and
 sanitary requirements. Uncle Sam
 wanted his boys to have good food, we'll prepared (not always accomplished | If we can believe the tales of some of the doughboys). but, anyway. it's his wish.
 Places had been set for 200 and at the speakers table I was sandwiched | in between Dr. Thach and Tpastmaster Nivens. I cannot say that at any time ithe banqueters were hilarious over the fruit punch or gorged with the hartieul- tural menu, but everybody was happy Nhu thc lCoppHScS tO the LOdSIS were really bright and clever. As a mark of honor the vegetarian tone of the feed was abandoned to the extent that
 was asked to respond to "Islay May. lMy Cow"
 The dining hall was tastily decorated with flags and there was 8 profusion | of potted plants and beautiful cut flow CTS sent forth their fragrance. The table decorations were novel. At each
 plate was a bunch of "kumquats."
 Now before sat down couldn't have told the difference between a "kum-
 quat" and a muskrat, but would have chased both as belonging to the animal kingdom.
 But this was the key to the banquet ] The horticplturalsts wanted to show that they could take vegetable matter and make it take the place of animal in the feeding of the world. forgot to
 state for the benefit of those whose ignorance may equal my own that q l"kumquat' is a member of the citrus family and in size is like marble, but has the color, the skin and the taste of his big brother. the orange. with a
 dash of lemon for envy.
 From the sticking of "kumquat"