Willmar tribune. [volume] (Willmar, Minn.) 1895-1931, 1918-11-06
The Conltortionist
Of Berlin
= sa.s = ~ PIP y 4.

Baron Won Wurst lighted q large
cigar with an expression Of satdsfae-
ton, stroked his paunch, now, alas.
thinner than of yore, and
swung round in his chair to the heap
Of freshly deciphered messages that lay
on his desk-reports from trusty
agents in various enemy countf1es-
His little pig-lke eyes glinted with
Joy. ..-s
Baron Won Wurst was the Hun arch
press-agent, and he was just about to
compose the weekly summary or
''facts" to be scattered broadcast
among the press Of Germany. There
was something in his nature which al
ways made it a peculiar pleasure to
perform this task, for it needed much
Imagination, and Imagination was at
q low ebb in the Fatherland. More
over, it had won for him the coveted
iron cross. He took up the first type
written slip, and read:
American troops numbering
100000 are sailing In the next
three weeks. Their strength I'm
France will surely reach two MIL
lion before winter. Countless
more training.
"Schmidt," said the baron, to a red
faced secretary in uniform. ''Take this
down." Then he dictated:
The alarm in France increases
daily as the promised hordes from
America fail to appear. Half the
Yankees opposed to us have al
ready been wiped of the map,
their casualties far exceeding the
number Of fresh arrivals.
Deceivino Their People.
Baron Won Wurst took the next slip.
It was from a most excellent spy In
France. The master press-agent
scowled as he read:
Meat is much more plentiful
here. The populace are wildly
elated over recent allied victories.
The troops all seem supremely
confident of ultimate success.
"Ready, Schmidt7'' The baron
puckered his brows, and continued to
scowl for a moment. Then, with in
SEPARATION, came a grim smile. He dc
tated:
Once more history shows the
pleasure loving Parisians to be
subsisting largely on rats and Of
fal. The shining sword Of Ger
many has brought them almost to
their knees through starvation.
Mutinies in the French army are
now a daily recurrence, for those
soldiers know, in spite of the lies
thrust upon them, that every
where along the line German
might is triumphant.
The baron, who had lunched with
q friend of substitute sausage, grim
aced as he read another message from
America:
The 1918 harvest in the United
States will exceed anything ever
known. Ships are being launched
with such amazing rapidity that
LucIc WILL 6OOA NC 4uAIO CAOO6A "
carry grain across the Atlantic.
The baron's WY face flushed with
anger. Was not he one OF the mary
who had ben deceived by Won Tfr-
pitt? He puffed out his cheeks.
Fortunate II 10 Not True.
E mysterious grain disease Che
dictated) has spread with lightning
rapidly throughout the wheat
growing areas of America, and In
spite of assurances to the con-
trary, we know that the Yankees
will not have enough grain for
their own wants. American prts-
ons are full of men and women
who have dared to break the reg
ulations which allow each person
four ounces of bread day. The
ship builders, who became too
weak to work on this allowance,
; have been given one ounce extra.
The new ships launched, hastily
built for submarine fodder, are
now pronounced hopelessly defec-
tive, and cannot be used.
The real message 1uttered from the
table to the floor, and Schmidt stopped
to pick it up. He had never been al
lowed to see such things, and glanced
at the slip curiously.
ut is verboten !" declared the baron,
snatching the paper.
"Herr baron" said Schmidt, ''surely
these American swine must see now
that we have complete mastery"
Baron Won Wurst coughed.
"Ah!. II they all had as much sense
as you," he said, gazing at the crown.
prince-like skull of Schmidt. aBut we
will teach them with our shining sword.
Didn't some one once say, though,
that the pen is mighher than the
sword, Schmidt? II think there
must be some truth in that. Yes, yes,
Schmidt, get busy. The newspapers
Of Germany are waiting for my sum-
mary Of the news" .