davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1918-03-15
LUKE M'LUKE SAYS

The average girl thinks she has COM
pleted her education before she gets
married. But she has only begun it.
II takes mighty sensible bald-headed
man. not to be sensitive about it,
A lot of men imagine that they were
giver vote so they could get even with
some candidate they don't like.
II wouldn't surprise us a bit to see the
lawyers in Congress get together and
enact law making it unconstitutional
for any man who is not a lawyer to be
la member of Congress.
A man is so ashamed of a crooked fin
ger il he cot it working. And he is so
proud Of finger il he got it playing
baseball
The ordinary man can stand defeat
But it takes remarkable man to stand
success
Our legislators seem to be so anxious
to make new laws that they forget all
about enforcing the old laws.
A man never realizes what funny
walk he has until he sees himself in a
moving picture.
A girl might as well get married after
she passes p. What's the use of staying
single? She is going to fade anyway.
There are a lot of honest folks in the
world. But it is just as wen not to leave
your pocletbook lying around carelessly.
When a woman is worrying over moth
ing she gets mad because her husband
went worry with her.
There are lots Of folks in the world
including the girl who thinks it is a dis
grace TO work for a living unless you
get married to do it,
Father can't understand why mother
should bother about having any fun as
long as she is kept so busy being a slave
to the children.
il would be dangerous for a husband
to tell his wife that he loves her IL
years after marriage She would drop
dead.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1918-03-15
EASILY EXPLAINED

From the Philadelphia Telegraph
Congressman John T. Watkins of Lou
isiana said at a social session that
some people have mighty easy way OF
explaining things. and told the follow
ing as an illustrations:
Sometime ago a lawyer was called
away from his office for the greater
part of the day. On returning he OBJ
served certain symptoms OF idleness on
i the part of his clerk.
James, demanded the lawyer, why
hasn't that typewriter been workng%
1T has been working defensively
answered James. 4 was using it less
than 10 minutes ago
Then exclaimed the lawyer, pointing
la convincing finger. how comes it that
there is spider on the machine and
that it has woven a web over the key
board?'
"A fly got in the works, sir cas-
lily explained James, and rather than
waste time trying TO catch it, | intro
duced the spider
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1918-03-15

consider it his business to make
them known-and I shall have NJ
doubt of the results. If they are not
made known in way to impress the
crisis that confrouts US, there may
be hunger in this bounteous land or
hunger over yonder in Europe, where
it will spell ruin for all that is WORTH
while in America.
Our own state department of agri-
culture has been cooperating earn
estly with the United States depart
ment and with the food administra-
ton, and various civic associations,
the Birmingham Food Pre-
paredness ard Marketing bureau, are
actively at work in support of Mr..
Ousley's appeal.
The farmers and the home gar
deners are putting their shoulders to
the wheel as never before, and with
favorable weather conditions Alabama
will produce not only ord-breaking
crops, but much more than enough
to feed herself. If all the southern
states do as we'll as Alabama there
will be no danger of food shortage
south of the Mason and Dixon line.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1918-03-15

did you ever notice how few good
readers one finds in any club where
communications have 10 be read?" said
j. w. Donnelly.
Il consider that the Rotarians are for
tunate in having John Henley to perform
this service. I was struck by the clear
way in which he read the communication
from the postoffice department asking the
Rotarians to assist in tightening the bur-
dens of the postal workers and at the
same time facilitate the department in
making quicker and surer deliveries IT
was rather a formidable document but
ms voice was properly pitched and every
one at the lunch easily heard every word
he uttered
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1918-03-15
IN HOTEL LOBBIES
AND ELSEWHERE
Zinc MusicaI Asset

the Birmingham String quartet, of
which Mr.. Ok is leader. is an organi-
cation that should receive the cordial
support of all our music lovers" said
Philip Memoii, conductor of the Phil
harmonic orchestra.
High class quartets are rare in the
United States, and Birmingham should
be proud of the fact that it has one
OF the few. 1t is really a distinct cul-
tural asset for many of the compost
! tions Of the great masters have been
written for string quartets and are
heard only in chamber concerts, such
as we are now to have here.
NO one but musician can appre-
ciate the exacting requirements Of
quartet playing. In a large orchestra.
where some of the performers are de-
hcient in technic the better artists car
ry the burden in difficult passages. In
this way the weak places are hardly
remarked except by highly9 educated
listeners. In quartet each player must
be master of his instrument. Each
note must be produced with perfect in
tonation, the phrasng must be author
itative and the ensemble must be such
as comes only from constant rehear-
SAL There is no room for careless
work. Each player is on his mettle,
and when all the demands are met, as
they are in the Birmingham quartet,
the result is at once rich in tonal beau
ty, convincing in poetic expression and
appealing to any audience of average
taste or Imagination.
BY all means let US do what we
can to encourage the Birmingham
string quartet and help assure its per-
manency."
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1918-03-15
Warm I'm Easily

am over here on business and not on
politics" laughingly said Senator Henry
t. Merritt, 'and although | admit / am
surrounded by some of the astutest pol
! iticians In the state, / assure you our
meeting in the lobby OF the Tutwiler was
purely accidental.
There are so many pressing things
before the country just at present that
Iit is bit too soon to get excited about
the state election. Alabamians are SO used
to running for office that any who want
to go to the legislature or get jobs at
the capitol can warm up in a very short
time"
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1918-03-15

Theodosia Garrison in Drums ane
Fifes. (poran.)
We who in the old days-the easy day.
OF pleasuring-
sI-oitered in the distant lands-we know
the thrill that came
When lin far, foreign places. above thu
stranger faces
The sisht Of it, the might of it, woult
wake us like flame
Our own flag. the one flag, it stirree
Our blood to claim
We who in these new days-these days o,
all confusion
Look upon it with the eyes of one lon:
blind who sees,
We know at last It's beauty--its magni
tude of duty
Dear Cod ii thus it seems to us, whal
will it mean to these
Who stay for it. who pray for it. ou1
kindred overseas?
These faces the red days-the Whit
nights OF fury.
Where death. like some mad reaper
hacks down the living grain
They shall see our flag arise like 4
glory in the skies
The stars of it, the bars OF it. thai
prove it once again
The new flag. the true flag. that doe
NOT come In vain!
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1918-03-15


sla in the midst of plenty is starving for
lack of transportation. Thousands OF
honest wage earners in Spain are on the
verge of starvation. In Stockholm car
riage horses are going hungry for foo-
der In Finland the people are in many
instances feeding on bark. The cry of
the children come up from Armenia.
with pity.
President Wilson in his recent mes
sage to the farmers said:
I'VE have been told that this war was
to be won in the workshop. it was to be
won on the sea; 1t was to be won in the
air, and now it seems that it is actually
to be won in the wheatfields of the
United States. The American farmer
I is the man who is to carry the RESPONSE
Ibility and achieve the distinction of VIM
ming this war. The war is to be wen,
not by the nation that has the longest
lpurse but by the nation that has the
deepest meal barrel. If we can amply
supply the food requirements Of our al
lies anu SoiolSio wine dt tllG SdllS llHlc
keeping the bellies of our enemies
Ipinched and lean we shall win the war.
The baker shop is mightier than the mu-
milton factory. The pillow Of the farmer
is mightier than the sword OF the SOL
der
These facts give us pause to think.
America must not only help to fight the
enemy. but she must help to feed her
|allies. This calls for greater food pro-
duction. The farmers, not the soldiers
rot the munition workers in the last an
|alysis, must win the war. Governor Hen
derson is right in his wish to have the
interned Germans put to work in the
fields of Alabama. but We can't depend
on them. 1 is up to us to mobilize our
forces. 1t is settling down to battle
of bread. Money can be raised, soldiers
can be drafted, but bread must be pro-
duced. sown and gathered from the
fields of the earth.
Tn America we have much to be thank
full for. We have not yet felt the pincn-
allies. We have not yet had to tighten
|up our belts to the point where it is
painful We have suffered only lit.ie
Inconvenience. We have undergone
nothing to call out the virtue that is in
'us in the way OF living il need be on
seanty rations. We have no reason TO
complain and much reason for profound
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1918-03-15
Central High Hand

Il feel that the High School band.
which played for the Rotarians at their
lunch at the Tutwiler on Wednesday.
has accomplished wonders said Presi-
dent Andrews.
1T was hard to believe that the band
mad been organized only two months
1t shows what can be done when there
Is will and someone to lead Band
master Sewell deserves the heartiest
congratulations for his ability to HclS
into shape such fine musical organiza-
ton in SO short time"
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1918-03-15
Meatless Day Rules
Not to Be Ignored

n New York few days ago, in The
= presence of Governor Whitman
sixty-eight restaurant proprietors
were arraigned before Federal Fooe
Commissioner Arthur Williams or
the charge of violating the "meatless
day" regulations.
From the proceedings, reported
fully in the New York Times, il
seems that this was the first move
of Mr.. Williams to enforce drastic
measures against restaurant viola
tors, but he did not hesitate to pun.
ish sixty-seven of the defendants who
admitted their guilt before the hear.
ings were over by closing their places
of business for one day.
Many Of the defendants gave trivial
excuses why they had disregarded the
"meatless" regulations. One went so
far as to say that he thought the
governments "meatless day" policy
was intended to be chiefly education-
al and that the question of its OBJ
servance was left optional with the
proprietors. Now that the violators
have been taught lesson they will
not repeat their offense.
The restaurant proprietors of Bir-
mingham have, as far as known,
taken the food administration at its
word and have acted accordingly. If
there have been any violators they
should be patriotic enough, to say
nothing of their prudence, to comply
with the letter as well as the spirit
of the food law.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1918-03-15
TWO or a KIND

From the Washington Star.
Representative Meyer London said al
a socialist meeting in New York:
I'VE all ought to 90 our bit. Well
let US try to do our own bit instead
OF meddling into other peoples affairs
to sec that they do theirs.
Il was amused at a reception the
other day. An elderly, gaunt lady APP
preached a young man and said re-
proachfully to him:
Why aren't you in khaki?v
The young man blushed. Then he
drew himself up and answered:
:. For the same reason that YOU RI
not in a beauty chorus, ma am--physi-
cally unfit'--
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1918-03-15
Prospect For Warrior
River Grows Bright

IN Attest advices from Washington
Ia are to the effect that the pros
pect for utilization Of the Warrior
river by the government becomes
more and more favorable.
Two of Alabama's best known
operators in the Warrior coal field
will appear in Washington today to
(supply data as to the amount and
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1918-03-15
South is Urged
to Feed Itself

az S early as last fall the United
GA States department of agricul-
ture warned the south that it must
be prepared to feed itself this year.
Assistant Secretary Clarence Ousley
conducted short but active campaign
in the south with a view of arousing
the farmers to the necessity of in
creasing their food crop acreage.
There was hearty response on the
part Of tillers of the soil, and now as
planting time draws near indications
point to a very large increase in
acreage
But Mr.. Ousley deems the pros
pective food situation serious enough
to warrant him in repeating his warn
ing and he does it with all the en-
phasis possible. He says that if the
south neglects to provide her own
food and feedstuff she is likely to suf-
fer great priystion and "put burden
upon the nation which may prolon2
the war and even imperil our victory.
Mr.. Ousley continues:
I am aware that these are strong
words "but they are none too strong.
am not expressing an alarmist per-
sonal opinion. I am seeing through
the eyes of IS agricultural colleges
and OF county agents in nearly every
agricultural county.
The plain. hard truth is that with
4o.0O0.c0O people Withdrawn from pro-
Cuctive industries and engaged in the
business Of destruction, it is not
humanity possible for production on
4 the whole to exceed normal demanl.
The question is whether production
!. can equal neeessitous demand.
1; Ny whole life has been spent in the
); south ] know the southern farmer
Il -Ie will do his duty as he sees it.
an appealing to every man in the
south 70 make known these facts-to
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1918-03-15
PATERNAL MoDEsTY

N EfN1NALl NUbEoI1
Are YOU advising your son in regard
to his future?'
NO replied the up-to-date father.
MY boy is SO confident that he's going
to be a Napoleon of finance some day.
don't feel that man in my posi-
ton who has merely accumulated few
hundred thousands, could offer any adj.
vice worth taking" PAUL COOK.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1918-03-15

thankfulness to the Cod of provideiireI
who sends the rain and the sunshine and
causes the crops to mature. Ourl
Heavenly Father has sfowered richl
blessings upon US. We have had enoughI
SO far for ourselves and have been ablel
to help feed others. and we can con-l
tinue 10 lay by stores for our own needs
and give to the needy if we viii wake dpl
and utilize our vast resources for food
product ion
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1918-03-15

BEGINNING THE DAY--O God.
bear me up in my battle. Conditions
are not ideal. They never were. That
gives me my chance. The fruit In
high-the more honor to get it! The
gold is scarce-the more honor to
find 1T! The battle is hard-the more
honor to win IT! Amen.--H. M. e.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1918-03-15
ADRIFT WITH THE TIMES

HOPE HE BROUGHT SOMETHING
1T has about reached the point where
any man carrying suitcase in dry
state is an object of suspicion"
That's the way he is regarded by
minions of the law. To thirsty friends
of his who meet him at the station. he is
ar object of tender solicitude."
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1918-03-15
THOSE MERRY MAIDENs

The tripping beauties of the chorus
In scanty garb appear before us.
Now, strange to say, they seldom bore us,
And this the reason why:
They don't aspire to lengthy speeches,
Their rhythmic dance no lesson teaches,
They're quite content to be just peaches,
Symmetrical and spry.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1918-03-15

By heaven. do love; and 1T hath
taught me to rhyme, and to be mel
ancholy. Loves Labors Lost.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1918-03-15
ADDING TO CAYETy OF NATIONs

From the New York Herald.
Who dare say that Germans lack the
sense OF humor--with Count Won Hertlins
depicting the Germany of Prussanism
dstrusting the good faith Of other ma
tons?
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1918-03-15
oMNIPoTENcE

I'm in the air,
I'm everywhere,
The wide world Ger;
A million men
Stay, and then
A million more.
Oh, mark me we'll,
l sound the knell
OF life and hope.
l am a germ
And thus affirm
My deadly scope.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1918-03-15
EXPERIENCED MATRTcuLAroR

EXPERIENCED MATRTCULAToR ]
'I suppose young Jack Grabcon has
a deep and abiding love for his alma
mater"
Naturally, but Jacks affections are
considerably scattered
"How's that?"
Hes been expelled from so many diff
ferent institutions of learning that it'sE
rather difficult for him to concentrated
his affections on any particular one
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1918-03-15
Member of the Associated Press

TELEPHONE
Bell (private exchange connecting
all departments) Main 1000.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1918-03-15
NOTHING CHEAP ABOUT HIM

You're low swindler."
The food pirate smiled.
Call me swindler, if you like he
said, but leave off the low My oper-
atoms run into the mllions'
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1918-03-15
A PRovIso

~ IbONI2O
After women get the ballot will you
still give up your seat in a trolley car
to member of the opposite sex ?"
"Why, yes replied the man whose gall
antry is chiefly confined to looking
after youth and beauty Il will If she
looks like the sort of woman who still
thinks current styles of more Importance
than the latest brand of politics."
YOUTHFUL DELUSION
Gas man grows older his RESPONSE
bilities increase remarked the senten-
tious person.
"Ah. yes" unused the citizen who was
slightly gray about the temples. Il can
remember the time when l thought that
al I had to do to win prominence was
to become letter-perfect in college
YELL"
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1918-03-15

No communication win be published
without its authors name. Rejected
Transcript Will not be returned unless
stamps are enclosed for that purpose.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1918-09-20
TO PREPARE FOR ARMY
Kansas Draft Men Will Meet With
Committees of Business Men.

/ Adjutant General Charles Huffman.
by request of E. H. ,Crowder, provost
marshal general. win call meetings OF
men OF the selective draft, to meet
with Committee of business men in
various cities of Kansas, the object
being to furnish to the men some ex-
plantations and instructions prepara-
tory to their entrance to the military
camps.
Ohio, who has been associated with
the national committee In instruction
for selective draft men, will be in Kan
sas next week. He will be in attend
ance at meeting at Camp Funston at
10 o'clock Monday morning at the 7.
NJ. c. A. headquarters. A meeting at
which he will be present will be held
in the Topeka Central Y. M. c. A.
building at 2 o'clock Tuesday after
noon, and at 2 o'clock Wednesday
afternoon at the Y. NJ. c. A. in Wichita.
A systematic plan of instruction for
selectives prior to their call in the
draft, includes measures to prepare
the selectives to go to camp as willing,
loyal, intelligent, clean and sober SOL
diers. and thus fit them for. rapid
progress in their military education
after joining the army. The local
board of instruction is under the
supervision of the local draft boards
and serves to relieve the draft board
the instruction prescribed. The draft
boards notify their men of the meet
ings, and such notification has the
same authority as any order issued by
the board
Each board of instruction performs
its work by individual interviews and
group meetings with the selectives.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1918-09-20

test of the Democratic south and
failed to fix the cotton price.
Now the Eighth district Democrat
congressman has a remedy. His bill
il the national house provides a price
fixing remedy for all essentials. While
there is doubt among the leaders of
both parties concerning the success
of program which will put a price
on by-products, the Ayers bill is ex-
pected to cover most of the complaints
against the present methods.
Under Ayres' measure prices will be
established by the government affect
ing not only wheat and cotton, but
corn and potatoes and wool and a doz-
en- and one other necessities. Prices
are already fixed on copper and steel
and materials used in the active fight
ing service, or in shipbuilding.
Get Solid Kansas Vote.
If the bill goes thru the house-and
there seems reasonable hope that it
will pass at this session-it will doubt
less receive the vote of the entire
Kansas delegation, both Democrats
and Republicans. In the senate, the
Senator Thompson. Democrat and Sem
ator Curtis, Repu blican.
But the real feature of the Ayres
bill so far as the Kansas political sit
uation is concerned, lies in the manner
in which it may counterfeit most ef-
fective campaign slogan Just at this
time there are a good many hundred
Kansas wheat growers who are not in
the least overjoyed because of the
price fixing system. They have seen
the price of cotton from the southern
plantations shoot skyward. Then they
have been told months in advance just
what the next Kansas wheat crop
would bring on the open market. OF
course an established price works both
ways 1t is a protection on a wobbly
market and handicap when the
world is clamoring for the commodity
without regard to expenses. The Kan
sas wheat farmer has seen only the
latter situation.
And now there is a possibility that
all of the well laid plans in several
congressional districts may be severely
jolted and candidates and political
Headquarters must start all over again.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1918-09-20
FIX ALL PRICES
That Is Plan Advocated by
Democratic Congressman.
1t Will Be Used as Cotton
Price Antidote.
AYREs TO INTRODUCE BILL
He Wants All Farmers To Be
Treated Alike.
Every Kansan in Washington
Expected To Support Measure.
AYRES TO INTRODUCE BILL
BY A. L. SHULTZ.

Kansas Democrat congressman have
al antidote for the Republican cam
pa;gn disturbance against the failure
of the national administration to put a
price on cotton. Congressman w. "A.
Ayres of the Eighth district has a bill
which provides for fixing the price on
all war time essentials-cotton includ-
ed. The bill is now on the house cal
end and each Kansas Democrat
five congressman and Senator William
H. Thompson-declare they are watt
ing for a chance to vote for it.
If price is put on cotton some time
between now and the November cleo
ton, much of the wind will be taken
out of the sails of the Republican con-
gressional candidates in this state.
Kansas is a wheat producing state.
She is also nominally a strong,
staunch, tried and true Republican
state. CT course she has slipped and
skidded and wabbled a good deal DUR
ing the years following the 1912 un-
pleasantness. But no one will deny
Kansas place in Republican ranks.
Farmers Make a Howl
So there was an awful howl from
the wheat growing districts of Repub-
lican Kansas when a Democrat adj
ministration in Washington put a
price on wheat and listened to the pro-