East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1918-10-10


Lauder says. Guide Nieht.'"
CHAPTER Nv.
Why the Kaiser Is Considered the Greatest
Humorist in Germany-Army Officers Re-
ceive Extra Pay for Laughing at Hia
Alleged Jocundity.
II is conceded that God has never yet Gre
ated German with the slightest sense of
humor, His laugh is cross between the
chuckle OF dyc2ertic unmarried hen and the
brayins Of ioVe-sick, socety-crazy mule.
HIS giggle Is veritable di?somania epi-
demic
one morning after had carelessiy removed
bunion from Bilis heel. he felt so good that
he made the entire household sit down and
listen to his alleged Jokes. The one who
laughed the loudest and longest was prom
ised an extra pretzel at his Sunday breakfast.
The following are specimens OF the mirth OF
MAJ
Say, Davids. you have a poetry factory I'm
Cincinnati haven't youg'
Not that know Of" answered
II have heard OF your Rookwood Poetry
once" he sneered.
You mean pottery:" l explained.
''Well. what's the difference7 Poetry and
pottery both Jars on ones nerves. any
how. AS you say In America. there are no
flies on that remark reckon. When a stu
dent at Heidelberg read a poem by Colonel
Longfellow. which begInE:-
Laugh und der world laughs init you;
schnore und you schleep alonei
Lieutenant Tennyson never wrote any
thing quite 80 good that BY the way.
Davtds. ! am going 10 prohibit the making
OF automobiles In Germany. Ask me why"
'Why2"
Because one ran over my mother-in-law
the other day and II didn't hurt her bit
Isn't that bully-I mean awfulr'
Vic addressing his wifs). do you recall
the time at Windsor when Cousin George
showed me a picture OF himself holding a
donkey by the bride and asked IL didn't
think it a good likeness Of him? What did I
saw"
You said" slowly answered the Kaiserin.
bridle7'
Il tell you I was a regular devil In my own
home town In those days" screamed BILL
Il remember when English Mary showed me
her red Teck baby and inquired how old IL
was She said eight weeks and asked her
II II was the youngest One of the best
things ever got off was when asked EiteI'a
tutor how the boy was getting along and he
replied Very well. indeed. sir. The only
fault have TO find with him Is that he talkn
too much Then poked the tutor in the
ribs and said. You ought to hear his
mother"
Here everybody roared but the female pa
rent Of Eitel
Say. Davids. how long can a person live
without brains?"
II don't know" ! replied. How old are
your"
shut upr' yelled Bill. THAT ia what
was supposed TO ask you. BY the way, when
oscar was child he was very thin, but I
made him TAT In ten seconds. Ask me how"
How"
Il threw the boy out OF the window and
he came down plump. III swear ! don't
know where / get all my native wit from.
Ny ancestors were all funny TO look at. but
none OF them was what you might call a
regular clown-like myself But 1 always
had tender heart My sainted grandfather
on his deathbed made dying request that
shouiu dlscoVer some way Of preventing fish
from smelling In hot weather. ! told him the
only thing to do WAS to cut their noses off
Then the dear old man turned on his left side
and died happy
DO you know why alpays keep my ,vora
Davids?'' ~
Because no one will take IT," 1 answered
ou Internal Yankee scrap OF wall paperl
you mustn't answer my auestions. Your duty
Is TO say;-'l don't kDSw-Whyg
was walking In London once with Uncle
Ne" wheh a beEgar ASKED II would give a
poor man a penny for a bed. said 10 him
me a bowling cad.
AS you are through with that corn. Dnvtaa
we VIII adjourn this leyity for the nonce Put
some sticking plaster on the left toe ana mi
10 and find out how many bn biea ,,,, ,,ahi.
warriors have killed to-day. Laughts, A. al
very Wen In It's way, but IN take slaughter
m mine any old day. Aufwiedersehen, Vic,
Wee Ehtesi"
"Facilis descensus avernI. Bill" nnswersa
the kaiaerin, who spenFs Frcrch as we'll AZ
she Teada the schleswig- iIolstoin classics.
CHATTER v.
The Kaiser's great Geligiu ia 10 lock him.
self up on Sunday afternoons In a cooi ,,n-
minlEnted slaughter house and read aloud IN
tile dead animals sslectiors from hia gavo,,,.
noeeis-I Tho Blood Stained Bolster. o., The
Murder IN the Red BARN" Hervey's s.AssaI,s
tons Among the rombs i" ''ComIcalisi srer,
me Lltes OF lierod and Petraroh and Jah7
Ii ~ N,Al. ,aI,,s', hichArd tho Third an,
VHI;" jesse Pomoroy's pet crtr,nn... us,.ry .s,.y
WI Of Calvin and Jonathan EdwardS... ..nW,
Skies Diary" and other works ag ..,5,.
favored hultur. Ills fAvorits hyInn n Ser
s'''h eot'; n shssi ana he Is never 10 happy
parents are, ue'sasea
Biil told mo once that he wrote ..r,. -,
iers of Junius" but when I Inentionsa 80
TO the Clown Prince he aaid M s",1'a WIS
a har' as he wrote that book hImssfs 80
Jn9ins' this human couch bus Is The myth ~
One day asked MAI" A, n.
habit Of telling hts lnTnost tbo,,.t's- "a ~ me
spiritual dental adviser lie lauFhs5 :" h,A
.yfal phisgm-p -phonio. tonaii- vibratinS 81,
aiwSys nave ,,.ei.. ng y !, that YOU Americans
.ialsf You once had President eslisS ~ @ oIIl-
slevemna' didnt your II ia "A &C., 'ls.
y arat s9s are no. taEidermst Instead
WHY ! asksd In professional ,,,,,.,-
y, "bseanss'' he ssplsinsd. II eonia p'iss, s
ssr s,yfs,ns s',Is ,ss sooa % fsi Jobs after tbs
|, ! - =, ,N''ink "@ bodies OF Cousin Cso.sN
lefard' foeh, clemenesau, uai, DsytEs,
ieorge and hundreds of other. ,ghis, Lloyd
!, s'sa pfopoas g. Keep IN nay private cbs,ah S,e,
y horrors ana leave a. a leRaey ~ ,'AsAbsr
r@s anfy,sss s9sHda and other Blonde beasts a. =,
.,,,i,.. aihst would have been nice. s.,..,
"hut whatr' he yelled.
"Oh, nethinR"
10 o." 'siieAns remind
"WhatF'
"Nothingi How much do 49,.
ding 10 the firing line nov ssa 'eel I'm