The Bourbon news. [volume] (Paris, Ky.) 1895-19??, 1918-01-29
THE KAISER TRIES TO REPLY
TO OLD SATAN.

1 has known for years is the letter
from Satan to the Kaiser printed i'll
THE NEWS of January Is. Il
ranks as one of the geratest pieces
of literature the war conditions has
produced, and has been eagerly
sought after by hundreds of readers.
Now comes another daring writer,
who makes the Imperial butcher Of
German endeavor to reply to the
letter. But the effort is as fiat
failure as a loaf of salt rising that
fails to rise Still, it is a pretty
clever shot on the cruel side of the
arch-fiend of Europe. The letter
follows:
He'll, November /, 1917.
Imp. Lucifer Hotspur Satan:
My dear Lucifer-or shall 1 call
you Lucy, for short? Your note or
recent date to our imperial hand.
Your offer to abdicate the throne of
Hades in my favor would be inter
esting were it wholly serious, but
conditions are implied that make it
inadvisaDle that 1 accept. I do not
think much of Gehenna, anyhow. 1t
is a second class state at best, and
would not care to live there ,perma-
nently.
AS a matter of fact have made a
splendid start toward a hell of my
own-we call it Bottomless Prussia.
It has all the modern improvements,
such as running hot water, red fire,
cyanide gas, calcium lights, wide
open plumbing and vacuum cleaner.
At the present time we are getting
practically all = the business and
when it comes to a matter of com
petition, it is my opinion that we
would have you pushed off the map.
To be perfectly frank with you we
have considered that the advisable
ity of taking over your plant about
the time it is ripe for bankruptcy.
You are not making expenses, while
we are turning them away. Every
one says that / am a much bigger
devil than you ever dared to be and
there is not a day goes by without
my pictures being in the papers.
were a hell of a fellow but you have
nothing on me- Your place is back
number, and when the time comes
we will move in and take possession
If we think it is worth while. 1t
is not usual for Prussians to give
warning or apology. We usually do
things and leave it to the world to
explain. but 1 am telling you be-
cause of our cid time friendship, and
also because l realize that you can
do nothing to forestall or prevent
our action. Abdicate in my favor?
Why, you poor old stiff, you have
nothing to abdicate. You couldn
= float a bond issue on your plant in
a million years. In the commercial
market it would be called junk. You
have a bunch of ancient floorwalk
= ers like Judas, Nero, Ananias, ALI
gula, Richard III, and Captain Kidd
that are really driving business
away from your place. Talk about
the Huns! Why, 1 wouldn't have
) Attila bring my shaving water.
If you had few scouts like Won
Tirpitz, or Won Hindenberg you
might talk on some basis of equality.
They are the boys who bring home
the bacon and they are filling ou.
hell with talentso of their own crea
, ton and development. But while
they are finished performers, OF
2 course, 1 am still the boss OF the
: whole works. 1t is my genius ann
inspiration that has made our new
hell possible. You mayIas we'll un
derstand first as last that you can
not run a hell without some of our
: Prussian efficiency. In competi-
! tive race with us you would prob
, ably bring up second rate cold
' storage plant.
By reason of our former friend
ship, however, / am willing to rec
ognize your moth-eaten throne as
one with which diplomatic relations
may be maintained. 1 am sending
Count Bernstorff as my ambassador
with authority to make treaties
compatible with our mutual inter
ests. Under certain circumstances
it might be possible to negotiate 3
union between our own prince and
your Messalina. They might make
4 a good time. He may also take on
D Lucretia Borgia and make it d
3 double header. How would it do fot
S me to hook up one of your Gather
ines-this Medici person for in
I sance? Of course, this would only
, be fer the campaign and subject to
. cancellation at my will. Count Bern
: storff is permitted to talk of these
r as we'll as other matters, and has
{ himself limited to me the advisable
| ity of an exchange of transfers
: This, however, would be with the
e idea of the gradual absorption OF
your own hell by my own. I am te
be perfectly frank with you. You
= must realize, my own dear Lucifer
: that you are getting old. You ars
not Up TO our modern methods, ant
= AL