davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Birmingham age-herald., 1918-05-17
roo MUCH FOR THE DAME

Correspondence Boston Herald.
 The hero was not Dr. Johnson, but Daniel O'Connell. as is, related by Rich ard R. Madden in his Revelations of Ireland" The story s too long a one Ito be quoted by me here in full. but l will give a few brief quotations to show it's character. The heroine was not a dy Moriarty by name. O'Connell bet with some friends that he would sout-talk her. The debate began as to the price of a walking stick Among the mutual re- criminations, O'Connell called the lady a "dagonal,' radius" 'parallelogram that she kept hypothenuse in her house, and that all her neighbors knew that she had two diameters locked up in her garrett ''and that you go out to walk with them every Sunday afternoon, you heartless old heptagon.'' To this was added the charges that she was a sub multiple of a duplicate ratio and blus- tering intersection of superficies While I have a tongue I'll abuse you, you most nimitable periphery. Look at
 her boysl There she stands-a convicted
 perpendicular in her circumference, and
 she trembles with guilt down to the ex- tremtics of her corollaries An! you're ! found out. you rectilinear-antecedent and eauiangular old has! 'Tis with you the
 devil will fly away. you porter-swipins
 similitude of the bisection of vortex!
 o'Connell won the wager.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1918-05-17
Here lies Fred,
 Who was alive and is dead"

A similar epitaph on the crown
 elusive. He has at least played vigor-
 ous part. if not a successful one. But he is too the instrument of a party to some extent rather. than an actor on believed that he was thrust forward by the war party as a threat to his father
 not to oppose it's plans.
 The Kaiser has been the symbol of German ambition and brutality, to be sure, and there is nothing to show that he has been troubled by any compunc- ltious visitings of nature. But he is q higher type of man than his heir of whom nothing has been told that is to his credit. He is also more intelligent. He understands the necessity of keep ling promise when the breaking of it
 would be dangerous. He is doubtless convinced of the necessity of doing something to allay discontent in his Prussian Kingdom The crown prince is
 too drunk with the idea of imperial
 power to yield even for the sake of preserving that power The junkers are
 his choicest cronies; he is heartily in sympathy with every reactionary
 policy. What effect his intervention will
 have remains to be seen It looks as If even Prussia had reached a point at
 which some concession to popular feel
 ing would have to be made.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1918-05-17
LUKE M'LUKE SAYS

If Achilles had been colored gentle man, his vulnerable spot would have beeen his shin and not his heel.
 You will earn a whole lot more by saving wood than you will by discuss linz your family tree.
 And the man who takes offense easily is certainly kept busy taking it.
 You have often met woman who didn't have to guess what time it was when she looked at the wrist watch she was wearing. haven't you9 Neither have we@
 You may not believe it, But wasted dollars cause an old man more regret than lost love.
 No man ever feared the competition of women in industrial life. It is the price at which women are willing to compete that makes a man worry.
 The only time a minority is ever right is the time when you happen tc be one of the minority
 It is good thing that you cant arrest a man for thinking, especially when the man is gazing at good Hooking corn fed who is parading by in a see-everything dress. A lot of our hypocritical reformer. believe that the world is as bad as it i. because the Lord doesn't take the ad vice they give Him in their prayers good woman often marries bat man so she can Neform him. But yo, never hear of a good man doing any thing like that for bad woman. l Adversity is good thing. mal { doesn't appreciate the best of it unti he gets the worst Of it for few years | When man falls in love with thil l girl he knows that she will get plumpe 1 later on. But when he falls in low with fat girl he knows that she i
 never going to get any fatter l It is all in what you are used to. -four -chair barber shop creates lot 0 excitement in two-chair town.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1918-05-17
BURNS COTTAGE

By Col Robert G. Ingersoll, s Tho Scotland boasts thousand names Of patriot. king and peer.
 The noblest, grandest of them all
 Was loved and cradled here.
 Here lived the gentle peasant prince.
 The loving cotter-King,
 Compared with whom the greatest lord
 Is but titled thing.
 Iris but cot roofed in with straw,
 X hovel made of clay; One door shuts out the snow and storm, One window greets the day;
 And yet I stand within this room
 And hold all thrones in scorn; For here beneath this lowIy thatch Loves sweetest bard was born. Within his hallowed hut I feel Like one who clasps shrine, When the glad lips at last have touched The something deemed divine. And here the world thru all the years, As<long as day returns. The tribute of it's love and tears
 Will Day to Robert Burns.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1918-05-17
Government Ownership

T was carried back in memory many years,'' said Solon Jacobs, as I passed 210 First avenue and saw in big bold United States Railroad Administration Consolidated Ticket Office. Passenger Information.
 Tt is a sign which points nightly to- ward either government regulation ar even ownership. Uncle Sam has cer- tainly got the passenger and freight trar- fife men up in the air It seems like a thing of the past Secretary McAdoo is mastcrfu1 man. It is well that he IS, for he has tackled a mans size job 10 handle the transportation problems of a great country like this in war times"
The Birmingham age-herald., 1918-05-17

An eastern man with II children and salry Of siG week asks the court how he can pay alimony. A question like that would have stumped solomon him self
 Great Britains only padded cell expert has been exempted from military service It is possible to worry along without soap, but padded cells are indispensable. So far as Washington fans were con cerned, the world war paled into insig- nificance while the Hon. Walter Johnson was winning that 1s-inning game.
 x # # Despite the need of Red Cross nurses, there ara still enough motion picture beauties in captivity to keep the film industry from going to pot.
 $ # x As the saying is. somebody is always taking the joy out of life. The police department of Muncie. Ind, has declared war on paregoric jags.
 < < # Although General Maurice is now a newspaper man, he will doubtless be held to strict accountability for every thing he writes
 still if is natural to suppose that the Kaiser feels more like felicitating Charles than Charles feels like feIicitat- ing the Kaiser.
 # # The airplane controversy is waxing exceedingly warm. MT. Mix has been called red herring by Sculptor Bor glum
 Having passed the spanking age, the German crown prince finds it reasonably safe to disagree with Father William.
 # # # Senator Tlliman is running Colonel wattersoa close race in using strong language appertaining to the Hun
 x # < According to his latest photograph, MT. Hoover is bearing up well under the displeasure of the nations gluttons.
 # x # When supposed German spy turns out to be an ordinary burglar everyone concerned heave a sigh of relief.
 # < # Many & proud pedestrian says he wouldn't have a flivver as gift. But don't put him to the test.
 # # E Briefly summed up. the strategy of General Foch seems to be, A nibble day keeps the Hun at bay"
 < x < These are the days when ex-Premer Asquith must perforce chew the bitter cud of reflection.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1918-05-17

dent of the student body at the univer- sity, while another was captain of the football team and has the same posi- tion with the baseball club. They leave its doors with the Moore mark stamped upon them. His graduates are filling many responsible positions.
 He is faithful to every trust. Duty is his watchword. In this day of make shifts and apologists, it's refreshing to run across man who is tied to his task and who glories in it. For more than a score of years he has never missed a day from his classroom and in all that time has never been tardy. A slave to duty. you say. Perhaps so, but every boy and girl who passes through his hands is dependable.
 Do you know what this means? It means that punctuality and obedience to rules is drilled into them until they become second nature and act auto matically. recall Colonel Appling's re- mark He was the soldier who was in the battle of the Marne and who was sent by the general staff of the British army to this country to instruct our men in the camps. He said, You Americans have got to learn obedience. ,
 
 A hard thing for any of us to ac- quire. But, friends, it is not only need ed in the army but in private life. Our soldier boys are fast learning it, but, God help us, we civilians are slow in picking 1t up. and yet it means so much l in the winning of the war. If more of us had fallen under the training of Professor Moore it would have been easier for us to come under the dis cipline needed by us to properly stand behind the men al the front.
 ! Sure Moore is a man. for any one who can in an easy going age hew strictly to the line and deny himself, and bow to a yoke self-imposed. is made of the stuff out of which men are created. He was tonic to me. for
The Birmingham age-herald., 1918-05-17
eass.lk1tt MlAas,1iH
CONDUCTORS, CoATrALs TO GO

From the Philadelphia North American.
 Railroad conductors are to lose their coattails. The decree has gone forth from the government authorities now in control of the railroads. All uniforms are to be cut down to the sack-coat style. No conductor will lord it through his train with the added dignity bestowed by a frock coat. Neither will the station agents be able much longer to strut about in such finery. Purpose of the order is to save wood. There are some eleven thousand passenger-train con- ductors in the entire United States, and possibly one thousand other railroad em- ployes whose get-up will be changed by the coattail-less order The net result will be to save perhaps as many yards of cloth per annum.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1918-05-17
state produced about one-tenth of the

state produced about one-tenth of the total yield
 Commissioner J. A. Wade, in his weekly letter just issued, gives the farmer detailed advice regarding the cultivation of both cotton and corn. And as he is one of the most progress sive and successful agriculturists in the state his advice should be fol- lowed.
 Despite the shortage of farm labor the outlook for large harvest of food and feedstuffs is highly encouraging. The redoubled energy of the individual is making up to great extent for the loss in numbers, but the use of modern implements and modern methods will prove of most vital importance in overcoming all labor handicaps.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1918-05-17
RECOGNITION FOR HEROES

From the New York World.
 Two of the torpedo-boat destroyers now under construction are to bear the names of naval officers who lost their lives in acts of hcroism since the United States entered the war These are Lieut.. stan Of the Jacob Jones. and Gunners Mate osmond Kelley Ingram of the Cassin, torpedoed in European waters. The pol icy of Secretary Daniels in thus com memorating naval heroes while their tame is yet fresh in mind is to be commented
The Birmingham age-herald., 1918-05-17
Masonic Parade

There were 1o,692 Master Masons in the parade Wednesday," said John B, Bethea, the Third avenue real estate agent and prominent Mason, yesterday
 The count was made by the agent of an adding machine company, who counted the paraders as they passed him. The line was entirely too long for the route mapped out, and it became neces- sary to detour it through other streets to prevent overlapping at Sixth avenue and Nineteenth street, where it disbanded."
The Birmingham age-herald., 1918-05-17
Slight Increase
 in Crop Acreage

NLTHILE there is slight increase
 WV in Alabama's crop acreage, according to information gathered by the commission of agriculture and in- dustries, the food crop planting has not kept up with the increase in the acreage set apart for cotton. < It is estimated that 25 per cent more cotton will be cultivated this year than last, but whether there will be . substantial increase in Alabama's s ], production remains to be seen, as so much depends upon the methods en- ployed- by the farmers in working their fields, to say nothing of weather conditions.
 The world will be hungry for cot lpn and as the south's crop will hardly s1xeeed fourteen million bales the price should be around 30 cents when the kfnning season begins. If Alabama l produces seven or eight hundred thou
 nnd hales. therefore, the money value nould D greater than that of any
 nmp~ crop of other years, when this
The Birmingham age-herald., 1918-05-17
IN HOTEL LOBBIES
 AND ELSEWHERE
splendid Address

consider the address made at the First Methodist church on Tuesday night by Dr. Jeremiah Boynton. chaplain m the United States army at Fort Ham iiton' N r.. one of the finest delivered In Birmingham since the war began. said Dr. James A. Duncan.
 It was luminous presentation of what America has done within the F months in the way of mobilization, not merely of it's vast man and potential commercial power, but of it's moral as sets. The conflict has brought out the fact that at heart the United States still beats true to the underlying morality of the Bible"
The Birmingham age-herald., 1918-05-17
American Indians Are
 Fiohting for Democracy

THE American Indian is no "hy- S phenate." He is more entitled to call himself American to the core than the proud descendants of those early settlers who came over in the May flower. The Indian has not been treated as fairly as he might have been. He has suffered because of gov ernmental fred tape" and for other reasons less creditable to the Anglo Saxon race, but he has put aside any grievances he may have had and has entered loyalty into the fight to make the world "safe for democracy"
 The Indians of America have made rapid advancement during the past few years and have assumed greater responsibilities of citizenship. They enjoy better health, are better edu- cated and have made considerable progress, both in agricultural and in- dustrial pursuits.
 Their patriotism has stood the test well. It is estimated that there are approximately five thousand Indians in the training camps or in service on land or sea. This is not bad showing in itself, but 75 per cent or more are volunteers. There are many Indians holding commissions in the army and navy and many more are noncommis- stoned officers. The Indians of the United States bought in the first and second Liberty Loan campaigns near ly $10,000,00O worth of bonds. They have increased their crop production an average of 50 per cent more than pre-war yields. Within the last five years" says Cato Sells, commissioner of Indian affairs, "they have practi- cally doubled their cultivated acreage ,s-.l quadrupled the value of crops and live stock produced and sold, and still own twice the value of live stock they had in the beginning of that period"
 We need not worry about the future of the American Indian. He is assured . place of honor and esteem, based on loyalty to the American government in war and worth while achievements in the arts of peace.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1918-05-17
Trio off to Coden

T was glad to learn that J. Frank Rushton, accompanied by his physician, pr. U. J. w. Peters, and his faithful good man Friday, Joe Rosenberger, have gone to Coden on fishing trip" said Gully Exum. They are a jolly trio of Rotarians and the sea breeze and the sport will bring the color back to Franks cheek and soon he will be back here to lead us on to still other victories =
The Birmingham age-herald., 1918-05-17
Our content Is our best having.
VIII.
* < w

BEGINNING THE DAY--Give us eyes to see, beyond this rain, the hiilsides ciad with flowers, she air all washed and cIean, the succulent grasses, the fresh fruits, the wa tered animals, the singing streams and the satisfied seas. see Thy rainbow through the rain.-H. NJ. E.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1918-05-17

LOUD He ventures forth, quite debonair In spring attire complete; His hatband plays noisy air As he steps along the street
 Birmingham Age Herald. His hatbands not the only thing That silences the crowd You hear his sox around the curve, They are so very loud.
 Memphis Commercial Appeal If duets by his hat and sox Make people stop their ears, The solo shouted by his tie Would drive them all to tears.
 Sufferer.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1918-05-17
Special Training
 of Sanitarians

1 TF1H HE war work and public health N activities of the Rockefeller foundation are clearly set forth in the annual review of President George E. Vincent, now published in pamphlet form. All branches of hygienic or medical nature are discussed in terms that layman can understand, and especially interesting is the page de- voted to the training of sanitarians.
 Impressed by the need of fostering research in the field of preventive medicine and of providing thorough training for public health officers, laboratory personnel, field workers, nurses and inspectors, the Rockefeller foundaton," President Vincent says, offered in 1915 to bear the cost of establishing and maintaining as part of Johns Hopkins university school of hygiene and public health. During the academic year 1917-18 notable faculty is being recruited, policies are being determined, and plans for a special laboratory and administration building are being prepared"
 
 pr. w. II, Welch, who was one of the most esteemed professors in the Johns Hopkins Medical school, re- signed his position to become director of the new school.
 While the new institution will nec- essarily maintain close relations with the medical school of the university, the School of Hygiene and Public Health will have it's own quarters, it's own faculty, fits own problems and purposes, and it's distinct body of stu dents, and will develop from the outset a corporate individuality and pro- fessional spirit'
 The terms of admission are excep- tionally liberal but at the same time the requirements for degrees set a high standard. It is stated that not only will regular full-time students | be provided for, but that arrange ments will be made by which health officers in active service may resort to the school for short, intensive courses. 1 The school will open in September 1 in temporary quarters, but stately building, to be erected by the Rocke- lfeller foundation, will soon be in couse of construction. "While the school properly begins it's work con- lservatively and unpretentiously," says the foundations president, "there is reason to expect that it will gradually win recognition as national al--even an international al-center of research and teaching, and play leading part in the fields of preventive medicine and public health administration which are being so rapidly extended"
The Birmingham age-herald., 1918-05-17
Wore Father,s Apron

T felt mighty proud as a Mason to wear on Wednesday in the parade ths apron of my father, which he put on in 1856, saId John R. T. Rives. assistant coroner.
 There was bit of sentiment about it that made the day holy one for me. imagine the feeling was something akin to that of sons entering the col lege to take up his work from which hls father haG graduated
The Birmingham age-herald., 1918-05-17

there is about him the aroma of the pioneer. It was his breed that made America what it is today This is why lay this tribute at his feet May his tribe increase
The Birmingham age-herald., 1918-05-17
NEEDLESS TROUBLE.

I've mslaid my safety razor some where. Will you lend me yours?"
 Sure On one condition"
 "Oh, I'll take good care of it"
 That isn't the point. When you bring it back don't try to tell me what it's imperfections are know them all by heart"
The Birmingham age-herald., 1918-05-17
ADRIF'T WITH THE TIMES
WORTH PUSHING.
Drawn by LOUIS REMEMBERS.

WORTH PUSHING. Want ter buy pencil, boss?- No; use fountain pen. I'm yer man. then. I've got patent vest protector. Only 10 cents'' My pen never leaks Gee, boss! Tell me the name of 1t, kin make a fortune selling pen Ike that
The Birmingham age-herald., 1918-05-17
Demand for Real Estate

'"The demand for residential property is good,' said Claude Estes of the Estes agency yesterday, and we are unable to supply the demand.
 There are very few unoccuped houses in Birmingham at present but as labor and building material are so high, it would not be profitable to put up any new ones now
The Birmingham age-herald., 1918-05-17
HOORAY.

HOORAYi We just can't keep from cheering And we wave our hats in the air When the soldier boys are marching And the bands play lover There.'' For there's something seems to tell us They will make the Kaiser rue The day he ever Haunted The old Red, White and Blue!
The Birmingham age-herald., 1918-05-17
UNCONSCIOUS HuMoR

Docs sribbleby, the poet, ever write any humorous verse?''
 "A great deal. but Scribbleby is not aware of it.,
The Birmingham age-herald., 1918-05-17
America Rushing Troops to Aid the Allies


 6T1HE way America is answering the 0 allies appeal for soldiers is shown by the unprecedented speed with which troops are being sent to Europe and drafted men are being |mobilized in training camps. America cries, "We are comingw More than four hundred thousand men have been drafted during May Previously no more than thirty thousand have ever been called to the colors in a single month.
 Naturally, there are some delays in transportation. Troop trains must be given the right of way and schedules |revised to accommodate them, but the public is, willing to bear with even greater inconvenience in the same lspirit which actuates the men who are going to fight for world liberty in France.
 Cantonments have been expanded to meet the new requirements and the Irapidity with which trained troops are being sent across the Atlantic makes room for the draft units as they come in by the thousands.
 The allies decided that they wanted la great American army in France as soon as possible. Without stopping to argue the feasibility of such an under taking, with tremendous obstacles to be overcome, the American govern ment put aside all previous plans. The seemingly impossible is being accom- plished. In few months our overseas forces have grown to more than five hundred thousand men and by the end of the year there will be at least one million men in France.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1918-05-17
SAFE PROCEDURE.

SAFE PROCEDURE. 'Do you suppose the fair husband killer vii! be acquitted as often when women serve on the jury7"
 That's hard to say, but if I were the defendants lawyer I would eliminate all spinsters of uncertain age and insist on having none but married women on the jury.''
The Birmingham age-herald., 1918-05-17
IMPORTANT PERSON.

And what branch of the service does he belong to?" "The inner-man service" q never heard of that" He's an army cook.' NO DECEPTION. A little powder Now and then Is used to fool The best of men.
 Youngstown Telegram It comes in box Els and in tins; It hides a null Titude of sins.
 Peoria Journal. And so it does, But, bless your soul, whole can full Won't hide a mole.
 Age Herald. Iris true, ye lovely Gossip riskers, Especially if the Mole has whiskers.
 Observer.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1918-05-17

A CONSTANT PATRON.
 "why are these girl shows recommend ed for the tired business man?''
 "They are supposed to rest his mind and make him forget his troubles" T sec"
 But notice he's just as keen about them when he isn't tired and has no trou- bles." PAUL COOK.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1918-05-17
Member of ,Ae Associated Pres.

Member of the Associated Press
 The <Age-heraIo Is the onfs morning and Sunuay newspaper Tn blfmihs ndA Aa carrying lne Assoeiated Press a4s patches.
 The Associated Press is exclusively entitled to the use for puplcatIoh of all news dispatches ereulted to II or not otherwise credited ln tn4s papsA and also the local news puplisnea herein.
 All rights of republication of spe- cial dispatches herein are also re- served