davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The patriot. (Glenmora, La.) 1918-1955, 1918-08-30
FIND HUMoR IN AID COLUMNS
Notices Not Intended to Be Funny, but
Are Made So by Their Pc
cuIiar Wording.

Advertisements are vagarious things
sometimes, as, for example, these,
which were all actually printed: "A
respectable young woman wants wash
Ing" Il will make coats, caps, and
boas for ladies out of their own skins"
II want an overseer who can take care
Of 5000 sheep who can speak French
fiuently." "Wanted-A girl who can
cook; one that will make good stew"
IL want husband with strong Ro-
man nose with strong religious tenden-
cies." 81 will sell fiddle of old
wood / made out of my own head and
have wood left enough for another
sFor Sale--A small stock Of the same
whisky drunk by his majesty on his
recent visit to Dublin" "0ne hundred
dollars reward for the recovery Of the
body of Hale Short, drowned In the
river on the night of the 18th. The
body can be recognized by the fact
that Short had an impeachment in his
speech
The patriot. (Glenmora, La.) 1918-1955, 1918-08-30
MOST GOLFERS WILL SAY so
Only One Classification for Player
Who Would Make Such a
Claim as That.

pa" said Tommy, who had caddied
one afternoon at one of the golf clubs,
lis a man a good golfer if he knocks
the ball one hundred and twenty-five
yards?"
"Just a novice, my son."
"Well, If he knocks the ball two hun
dred and fifty yards?"
Mighty good! He's mighty good
if he can do that, my boy"
swell. pa, what If he knocks 1t two
hundred and seventy-five yards?'
Hes a splendid player, Tommy"
replied pa, as he once more fastened
his eye on the newspaper.
''Well, pa, what if he knocks the
ball three hundred and twenty-five
yards-what would be he then?'
Probably liar, my son. Now you
had better kiss mamma and go to bed"
The patriot. (Glenmora, La.) 1918-1955, 1918-08-30
Just Once! Try D0dson's Liver Tone!
Take No CaI0neI! Listen To Me!
If bilious constpated, headachy sick, guarantee
relief without taking dangerous calomel
which sickens and salivates.

straighten you right up and make you
feel fine and vigorous by morning, /
want you to go back to the store and
get your money. Dodson's Liver Tone
is destroying the sale of calOmel be-
cause it is real liver medicine; entirely
vegetable, therefore it can not salivate
or make you sick.
I guarantee that one spoonful OF
Dodson's Liver Tone will put your
sluggish liver to work and clean your
bowels of that sour bile and consti-
pated waste which Is clOgging your
system and making you feel miserable.
guarantee that bottle of DOdson'S
Liver Tone will keep the entire family
feeling fine for months. Give it to
your children. 1t is harmless; doesn't
grippe and they like its pleasant taste.
ADV.
The patriot. (Glenmora, La.) 1918-1955, 1918-08-30
RIames for Women.

One of the speakers at the retail
tradesmen school at the Aston house
in New York predicted that mems
neckties would run to glaring colors
next season. Like all men, since the
days of Adam, he laid the Odium upon
the women, so many, of whom have
taken the places of men clerks. These
women, he says, are bound to show the
young man who comes to buy the pink
and glaring blue creations" and they,
of course, cannot dispute the opinion
taht such colors are just their style
and so having bought will have to
wear the gay neckties.
The patriot. (Glenmora, La.) 1918-1955, 1918-08-30

Stop using calomel! 1t makes you
sick. Don't lose a days work. If you
feel lazy, sluggish, bilious or consti-
pated, listen to me!
Calomel is mercury or quicksilver,
which causes necrosis of the bones.
Calomel, when it comes into contact
with sour bile, crashes into it, break
ing it up. This is when you feel that
awful nausea and cramping. If you
are call knocked out" if your liver Is
torpid and bowels constipated or you
have headache, dizziness, coated ton
que, if breath is bad or stomach sour,
just try a spoonful Of harmless Dod-
sons Liver Tone.
Here's my guarantee-Go to any
drug store and get a bottle of Dodson's
Liver Tone for a few cents. Take a
spoonful tonight. and If it doesn't
The patriot. (Glenmora, La.) 1918-1955, 1918-08-30

A laxative today saves sick child
tomorrow. Children simply will not
take the time from play to empty their
bowels, which become clogged up with
waste, liver gets sluggish, stomach
sour.
Look at the tongue, mother! II
coated, or your child is listless, cross,
feverish, breath bad, restless. doesn't
eat heartily. full of cold or has sore
throat or any other children's all
ment, give a teaspoonful Of "Cali-
fornia Syrup of Figs" then don't
worry, because it is perfectly harm
less, and in a few hours all this con-
stipation poison, sour bile and fer
menting waste will gently move out OF
the bowels, and you have a well, play
full child again. A thorough INSIDE
cleansing" is oftimes all that is neces-
sary. It should be the first treatment
given In any sickness.
Beware Of counterfeit fig syrups
Ask your druggist for bottle of "Cal'
ifornia Syrup Of Figs" which has
full directions for babies, children OF
all ages and for grown-ups plainly
printed on the bottle. Look carefully
and see that 1t Is made by the Cali
fornia Fig Syrup Company."-Adv.
The patriot. (Glenmora, La.) 1918-1955, 1918-08-30
W Cat Disousted.

A letter from my brother in Califor-
MIA was received three months after
he went to camp. AS soon as they
were In camp they were quarantined
as usual. for ten days. Then a case
OF smallpox broke out and they were
quarantined for fifteen days more.
Next came measles, for which they
were again guaranteed for five days.
One day before the quarantine for
measles lifted boy was sent to the
hospital with the mumps. Again they
were quarantined.
My brother wrote home in disgust.
Ma" he wrote; ''if they get an
other case Of humps in this place I'll
never get out till the wars over
Chicago Tribune.
The patriot. (Glenmora, La.) 1918-1955, 1918-08-30
GIRLS! USE LEMONS ,
FOR SUNBURN, TAN
Try e! Make this lemon lotion
to whIten your tanned or
freckled skin.

Squeeze the juice of two lemons in.
to a bottle containing three ounces OF
Orchard White, shake well, and you
have quarter pint Of the best freckle
sunburn and tan lotion, and complex.
ion whitener, at very, very small cost
Your grocer has the lemons and any
drug store or toilet counter will supply
three ounces Of Orchard White for a
few cents. Massage this sweetly fra
grant lotion into the face, neck, arms
and hands and see how quickly the
freckles, sunburn, windburn and tan
disappear and how clear, soft and
white the skin becomes. Yesl It Ii
harmless.-Adv.
The patriot. (Glenmora, La.) 1918-1955, 1918-08-30
Oh. You Gwan. Albert.

"What have you in the package in
your pocket, Albert?' asked his wife.
as Albert wiped the snow from his
shoes on the rug in front of the door.
removed his steam-coyered spectacles,
chafed his frosty ears with his numb
fingers and laid his icy cheek tenderiy
against his wife's neck.
"Well, I'll tell you, Marie, beings it's
you it is who asks. You've often heard
of the proverbial pocket In shirt,
haven't you? / thought so. This 10
something different. It's shirt in
pocket"
The patriot. (Glenmora, La.) 1918-1955, 1918-08-30
Sure TO Miss Him.

Father was sitting in the den taking
peaceful smoke, when there came
from the parlor a noise that sounded
like cross between the sigh of pine
tree and the wall of locomotive. With
something akin to strong language he
rose and went downstairs. In the hall
he met his daughter.
"Say. Bessie" queried the old man,
what is the agitation in the parlorT'
Charley" was the response OF
Bessie. HE is singing I Wonder If
He Will Miss Meg"
"Yes," answered dad, regretfully. u
can't see to shoot straight at night,
and am too rheumatic to kick"
The patriot. (Glenmora, La.) 1918-1955, 1918-08-30

/ improved in health 80 ] could do my
homework; we now have little one, all
Of which I owe to Lydia E. Pinkham's
Vegetable Compound. - Mrs. 0. S.
JOHNSON, r. No. 8, Ellensburg, Wash.
There are women everywhere who
long for children in their homes yet are
denied this happiness on account OF
some functional disorder which in most
cases would readily yield to Lydia E.
Pinkham's Vegetable Compound.
Such women should not give up hope
until they have given this wonderful
medicine q trial, and for special advice
write Lydia E. Pinkham Medicine Co.,
Lynn, Mass. The result Of 40 years
experience is at your service.
The patriot. (Glenmora, La.) 1918-1955, 1918-08-30
Try IL out. Ma.

'Ma." said five-year-old While to
the cleanliness administrator OF the
household. 81 believe could be bet
ter boy IL you wouldn't wash me so
much"
sWhat has washing 90 do with your
behnviorg"
s.well. ma, you know that after you
wash your hair, you say You can't do
thing with it,
The patriot. (Glenmora, La.) 1918-1955, 1918-08-30
Wartime seesaMs

The Tommies describe those big
belts of steel that are sawed in half
to make arched roofs for dugouts as
elephant iron" The French gamin
describes them as rockers" When
ever two youths Of France discover
one of these half sections on its back
with the ends sticking up, they bal
ance plank across 1t and merrily pro-
coed to seeSaw.
The patriot. (Glenmora, La.) 1918-1955, 1918-08-30

ana q COCO zeal OF
the time was not
able to go about.
Our greatest desire
was TO have a child
in our home and one
day my husband
came back from
town with a bottle
Of Lydia E. Pink
ham SOW egetable
Compound and
wanted me to try it.
It brought relief
%wovn naU frnYIh1oa
The patriot. (Glenmora, La.) 1918-1955, 1918-08-30

"Ad." said Eve, coyly, as she winked
at the snake unbeknownst to Adam,
''you are the one man in the world
for me-" Then she handed him the
The patriot. (Glenmora, La.) 1918-1955, 1918-08-30

Two hobos met on blind siding.
One had been a salesman, whose hours
were 10 a. m. to p. m. The other
one didn't have any money either
The Vagabond.
The patriot. (Glenmora, La.) 1918-1955, 1918-08-30
No Older Than Your FACE.

Is true in most cases. Then keep your
face fair and young with Cuticura
Soap and touches OF Cuticura Oint-
ment as needed. For free samples adj
dress. "Cuticura, Dept. x. Boston"
Sold by druggists and by mail. Soap
Is, Ointment 25 and 50.-Adv.
The patriot. (Glenmora, La.) 1918-1955, 1918-08-30
HE Luck.

'Did your wife go for you when you
got home last night"
mo; for once was In luck. The
people in the fiat next door were hav-
in spat and my wife was busy lis
tening. Boston Transcript.
The patriot. (Glenmora, La.) 1918-1955, 1918-08-30

Most particular women use Red Cros
Ball Blue. American made. Sure to please
At all good grocers. ADV.
The patriot. (Glenmora, La.) 1918-1955, 1918-08-30

Los Angeles is producing glycerin
enough for. ,220 shells daily from gar
bage.
The patriot. (Glenmora, La.) 1918-1955, 1918-08-30

Groves Tasteiess chill Tonic
destroys the malArial germs which transmitt0G
70 the blood by the Malaria Mosquito. Price 60c.
The patriot. (Glenmora, La.) 1918-1955, 1918-08-30

Alaska fishery products for 1917
were valued at $51 ,405, 280.
The patriot. (Glenmora, La.) 1918-1955, 1918-08-30

Putting things off until tomorrow is
the easiest thing we do in hot weather.
The patriot. (Glenmora, La.) 1918-1955, 1918-08-30

Fulton, Mo-, public library refuses
to keep on file newspapers OF al
legged questionable loyalty.
The patriot. (Glenmora, La.) 1918-1955, 1918-08-30

Kansas City is paying six-cent fares
on street railways.
The patriot. (Glenmora, La.) 1918-1955, 1918-08-30
The JOY OF
MOTHERHOOD
Game to this Woman after
Taking Lydia E. Pinkham's
Vegetable Compound to
Restore Her Health

Ellensburg, Wash" After I was
married / was not well for q long time
The patriot. (Glenmora, La.) 1918-1955, 1918-08-30

He that would be truly great must
first be truly humble.
The patriot. (Glenmora, La.) 1918-1955, 1918-08-30

The Hun is always half HUNgry.
The patriot. (Glenmora, La.) 1918-1955, 1918-08-30
How Ahout Gosslpaf

The human voice Is produced b. 8
different muscles.
The patriot. (Glenmora, La.) 1918-1955, 1918-08-30
Incldental

Incidental.
did you like the pony ballet in that
piece?"
"No; too much horse play"
The patriot. (Glenmora, La.) 1918-1955, 1918-08-30

Englands rat plague yearly destroys
500. OOO, 900 worth of food.
The patriot. (Glenmora, La.) 1918-1955, 1918-08-30

Japan has 100000 men Of army
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram., 1918-01-17

"Back when the nation was needin'
sons
Most 'em natcherly took G guns,
'Cepting Jim and he says-says he:
Il choose sticks an drum for me- /"
! The man who recognized and i'm
mortalized the value Of "Old Jim
Wade's" drumming in '63, knows that
human nature has not changed in the
half century since Jim put pep into
the boys with his rat-a-tat-tat.
This student of human nature is
John D. Wells, erstwfile smithy,
travelling Snowman, U. S. cavalry
man. machinist. Journalist and final
" managing editor of the Buffalo
Evening News and author IF several
volumes Of delicious verse-"Old
Good-By's and Howdy Dos" and
"Your Folks and Mine"-already well
known and we'll loved, and now a
new volume, "Rhymes Of Our Home
Folks" just published.
John D. Wells does not write about
sirens and sexes, nor aeons and
enigmas. It takes no lecturer to
interpret his poems. They tell of
simple, homely, everyday things of
life. They are full Of music. They
@re full of truth. To read them once
is to read and reread them many
times. They grip the heart as Riley's
poems do. IT'S said Riley's mantle
has fallen onto Wells's shoulders.
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram., 1918-01-17

ohio and other States. and Michael R.
Walter Detlef p Ebert, George Trout.
man, Samuel A. Stein, E. F. William
Stellhorn and Albert C. Schiff, trustees
and managers thereof, ct al, are not
residents Of the State of Indiana.
Said defendants, the Mission Board
Of the Evangelical Lutheran Joint
Synod Of Ohio and other States, and
Michael r. Walter, Detlef P. Ebert,
George Troutman. Samuel A. Stein,
E. F. William Stellhorn and Albert c.
Schiff, trustees and managers thereof;
the Church Building Board of Evan
selical Luther Joint Synod Of Ohio
and other States, a corporations; the
Lutheran Seminary of st. Paul, Mime
sofa. corporation. therefore are
hereby notified Of the filing and
pendency OF said complaint against
them and that unless they appear and
answer or demyr thereto at the call
ing of the said cause, on the 25th day
of February, 1918, a day of the Jan
uary Term of said court to be begun
and held at the Court House in the
City of Richmond on the first Mon
day OF January, 1918, next. said com
plant and the matters and things
therein contained and alleged, will be
taken as true, and the said cause will
be heard and determined in their abb
sence.
Witness the Clerk and the seal of
said court at the City of Richmond
this End day of January. 1918.
[SEALl
MICHAEL W. KELLY, Clerk.
ROBBINS, Keller & ROBBINS,
Attorneys for Plaintiffs.
Jan. 3-lt-17.
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram., 1918-01-17
LADY PINK TOES
HAS HER INNINGS
There IS no excuse today for
women to have ugly,
painful corns r.

For few cents you can get a quar-
ter of an ounce of the magic drus
freezone recently discovered by Gin.
cinnati chemist
Apply few drops of this freezone
upon tender, aching corn or callus
and instantly, yes, Immediately, all
soreness disappears and shortly you
will find the corn or callus so loose
that you lift it out, root and all, with
the fingers.
Just think! Not a bit of pain be.
fore applying freezone or afterwards
It doesn't even irritate the surround
ing skin.
Hard corns, soft eorns sor corns be-
tween the toes, also hardened calluses
on bottom of feet. just seem to shrivel
up and fall off without hurting a par
ticle. It is almost magical.-{Ad Adv.)
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram., 1918-01-17
- lover There"
vNNERS Roiukc Up SHELLS

every soldier who listens to Wells's
tale. "a Cayalryman"-
Wells will not be privileged to
whack at the foe with butt and bay
onet, but he will make every moth
er's son who hears him read HAn Old
Sayin' Of Mothers" whack with
double energy.
This is the tale of trooper. q fellow
who had no Cod
Who earned his pay on scrubby bay
at the left Of ragged squad;
Booted and spurred and eursing,
with nary a thought Of good,
He made but one, as the rosters run,
Of the Fighting Brotherhood ,
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram., 1918-01-17

The man whose pen has traced these
lovable rhymes knows the heart OF
the solder, and the want Of that
heart. He knows that after the mad
ness of battle. the heart yearns for
something soothing - something
sweet-something OF home and the
home folks. and John D. Wells means
that they shall have it,, He is going
to take it to them. He realizes that
his gun-carrying days are past. but
like "Old Jim Wade" he will drum
the boys along with songs CT home
and home-life and songs of other
soldier boys.
Big-heartedness, sacrifice and
sense Of duty will swell the breast Of
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram., 1918-01-17
PUBLIC SALES
LEGAL NOTICES

State of Indiana, Wayne County, S.:
Minnie kattelmann ct al. VS.. Louisa
Newman ct al
Wayne Circuit Court, October Term
1917. No. 1854.
Be 1t known. That on the 31st day
of December, 1917, the above named
plaintiffs, by their attorneys, filed in
the office of the Clerk Of the Wayne
Circuit Court their complaint against
said defendants in the above entitled
cause, Complaint to Contest VIII, to-
sether with the affidavit of comDe-
tent persons, showing that said de-
lendarits,- the Mission Board of the
Evangelical Lutheran Joint Synod of
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram., 1918-01-17

especially after
food comfortably
8. feeding against
with
and birds
cribs other
birds Food shelves
the a children
An birds
allowed
=snowe n
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram., 1918-01-17
&8z5BlE &i4IE[I1BB6t6| l|E{]JI6|
FEED THE BIRDS DURING WINTER
ey p. q. HOLDEN.

p. q.
valuable labrs
millions Of caterpmars
that destructive to aeld
age
greater thought
highest
work. no accomplish
which
disappeared feed them And then unless
especially during severely cold weather whea
compelled
migrate other locality.
o6 fuis
100 single
quail viii
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram., 1918-01-17

The Japanese are short Of small
coinage and are beginning to feel the
absence thereof quite as much as
people in the United States.
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram., 1918-01-17

Through trains are now running
from Berlin to Riga, the trip requiring
twenty-four hours, A person can travel
from the Baltic seaport to Ostend, Bel
GUM, with one change of cars at Ber-
lin, in forty Ave hours.
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram., 1918-01-17
BUSINESS ANNOUNCEMENTS q

THE WAY to avoid battery trouble is
to go to the "Exfde'' service station
now and have it inspected free. Cen
trail Auto Station, 1113-1115 Main.
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram., 1918-01-17
BUSINESS OPPORTUNITIES 50

BARBER SIIOP-For sale, chairs
bath. good location. Good reason for
selling. Address Shop, care Palladium.
STOCk-For sale. in a life insurance
company. Address w. care Palladium.
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram., 1918-01-17

Abraham Lincoln found his way
from a log cabin to the White House
at Washington
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram., 1918-01-17
CLASSIFIED ADVERTISING INDEX

Acetyiene Welding. ..:.,....s5
Agents and Sal,sn1en Wanted. Z
AGRICULTURAL Implements IA
ambulance Service. ................
Announcements
Apartments and Houses for Rent. .38
Artificial Limbs. Trusses. etc. ..21
auction Sales observation-disclosures. .4s
automobile Accessories. ..........3 .35
Automobile Body Building. .3a
automobile Body Repairing........3 80
Automobile Livery and Garages. ..S6
automobile Repairing. .......sb
Automobile Storage e...............Se
automobile Supplies. .S5
automobile Taxicabs. ............,.3S
automobile Tires. ..................3o 30
automobiles For Sale. .33
automobiles Wanted. ..s4
Auto Moving Vans .16
Sagxagc and Light Transfer. is
Sicycle Repairing ..3I
bicycles and Motorcycles. ........ 81
Sonds and Insurance. ..l9
Building and Contracting. .13
Butlding Materials and Supplies. ..28
business Announcements. .26
BUSINESS Places For Rent. .39
BUSINESS Property For Sale. ..42
BUSINESS Opportunities. go
BUSINESS Schools. ..20
BUSINESS Services Offered. .......l3
Cards OF Thanks. ks................ q
-hiropodist observation-disclosures. .
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram., 1918-01-17

PHONE
1884
WANT
AID
TAKER
CLASSIFIED ADVERTISING INDEX

For Sale-Business Opportunities. 80
For Sale Farms & Land. .43
For Sale Houses
For Sale Lots
For Sale MfsceIlan eous. RI
Found-Lost-Stolen ......... 4
Funeral Directors. rs................ l
Funeral and Death Notices. ......- l
Furnace Repairing
Furnished Rooms For Rent.
Furniture Repairing. ...17
Garages For Rent. ................38 SO
Garden Seeds ...2S
AAoAh ~ CSSEIS
Harness & Supplies es...3
Hat Cleaners ....17
Heavy Hauling. .............16
Heating and Plumbing. Ia
Help Wanted Female. ............
Hide Dealers %
Horses & Vehicles. 81
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram., 1918-01-17

H01oOo4 Oh 100eC1 Qo0LS-
Field sparrows live al.
most entirely upon
weed seed. The unpop-
uiar Blue jay u fond
Of hairy caterpinan.
and the desdsed crow
devours lares numbers
Of June beetles and
white grUbS j
We should encour.
age and protect all
kinds OF BIRDS a. every
destructive insect and
the seeds Of practically
every weed are eaten
by ono or more OF
them.
To protect birds
through tho winter We
should:
1. Supply food. Wa.
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram., 1918-01-17

MISCELLANEOUS FOR SALE q
AIRDALES-2 puppies. also fox ter
Williams st.
COAT--Ladies' for sale, size ss. q
Lincoln.
DESK-Rusiness, up-to-date roll top
lis South 4th.
LADIES' HAND BAGS-One lot left
from holidays, will be sold 20 percent
discount Miller Harness Store.
HORSE - General purpose. for sale
Cheap if sold at once. S29 So. 9Th.
acknowledgement sale child's and
misses first quality ruhbers. soc and
6oc pair. New Method Shoe store, Up
stairs, Colonial Bldg
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram., 1918-01-17

PAINTS and supplies. Phone 1896
Haner e. Fahlsfng 42S Main.
The Delta independent., 1918-03-22
WILL YOU DC iT7
(By w. A. Loops.)

One can hardly pick up a maga
cles pertaining to the zone system OF
second-class postage.
As most of the readers of this publ
cation no dougt know, it is a clause
in the war revenue bill which will
compel magazines and newspapers TO
be mailed on the zone system The
measure was passed by congress last
fall just before the rush of adjourn,
ment.
Haste was no doubt necessary to
pass the revenue bill but House
Leader Claude Kitchen Cunning
Claude. as he has been aptly called)
threatened to hold up the entire reye-
nue. program Indefinitely If the zone
system was not incorporated
This course of action was determin.
ed upon because little group of poll.
ticians were furious because certain
publications told the truth about
them when they (the politicians) at.
tempted to defy the righteous spirit
of wrath which swept the country be
cause of Germany's frightfulness. The
measure was accordingly passed
The big majority of congress is op-
posed to the zone system because they
fully realize that It penalties intelli-
gence, and II seems hardly conceiv-
able that the intelligent and thinking
men of our national legislative assem-
blies will be willing to be led around
by the nose by Cunning Claude.
This law. unless repealed by con
gress. will become effective July /.
1918. There is hardly newspaper or
magazine or any intelligent home in
the United States that will not be
affected more or less by its enact
ment.
Let us note. briefly. few OF the
most outstanding objects against the
measure. Should 1t be enacted T.
would mean the death knell to large
number OF magazines and as far as
the rest are concerned. large in.