davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
New Britain herald., 1918-01-26
T0DAY'S TABLOID TALE
What the Public Takes.
By Joe Blast.

" 1H'S nAlS uUIIC AdKSSS.
 Smeardon Counter wrote a play. It took him two years to Write 1t. eighteen months to re- write it, and six months to per- feet the punctuation.
 The critics went wild over it.
 The Evening Matinee said. Ponsonby Pimme's Punish ment, by Smeardon Counter. is the greatest modern play since Hamlet.
 The Morning Sunset said. "No greater play will ever be writ ten in any language than "Pon- sonby PimmeIs Punishment. because Ponsonby PimmePs Punishment, is the last word in great plays in any language. Smeardon Counter runs the gamut of the emotions like everything.~
 Former President Taffvelt, who attended the opening per formance, was so moved that he rose in his box and said, "Pon- sonby Pimmel's Punishment is the most elevating play I have ever seen, and I have never missed an elevating one. Pon- sonby PinneI Punishment will never die, because it will live forever"
 But the public failed to come after the second night, and the nanagem lost S50.0OO on the production.
 Smeardon Counter wrote an other play. He wrote it one night in fourteen minutes, while he was intoxicated, on a bet
 The critics went wild over it.
 The Evening Matinee said, "Rickoff's Revenge, by Smeard- on Counter, is absolutely the worst play anybody ever wrote in any language
 The Morning Sunset said, "Rickoff's Revenge was appa.r- eptly written by an incurable idiot while his mental powers were at lowest ebb."
 Former President Taffvelt, who attended the opening per fornance, was so moved that he rose in his box and said, "Rickoff's Revenge might have been worse, but at the moment I fail to see how"
 But the public came en nasse in droves and f1oc1ingly, and in eighteen months Smeardon Counter had collected $S,000,- oO0,000 in royalties.
 Copyright 1918 by George
 Matthew Adanls)
New Britain herald., 1918-01-26
The KaiSer'S Birthday Party.

{Wilhelm II--Born Jan. 27th, 1S59.) The Kaiser was holding a birthday, with feasting and reveI and wine And the roar of his cannon re-echoed from Riga across to the Rhine, Blaspheming the name of his maker. mouthing a bra ggart boast. He stood at his birthday table, and called for another toast. Here's to my gallant Allies and here's to them every one, Since their God has been good and allowed them to share in my place in the sun! Then spite of the burst of cheering, and spite of the drunken din. There came a voice from the door way-'Pardon, may I come in ? "'Who is it that seeketh to enter?' the wondering Kaiser cried. And Only another Ally the same sleek voice replied: Only another Ally, bringing his homage to you, And rendering every honor where honor is surely due,'
 
 table, to the guests who had come at his cali Turko and arrogant Austria, bargain ing Bulgar and all. An Ally that I have forgotten? Then open my portals wide' So did they leap to his bidding-AND THE DEVIL STEPPED INSIDE. ''There he did stand in the doorway, looking round with a grin, As he numbered his newly found comrades in their brotherhood of sin.
 Sir, I am proud to toast you. for ever since hell had birth I had hoped to find the colleague who would open a branch on earth!'
 Then he snapped his waverng wine- glass, as he swung on his heel to go, And the wine ran down OCT the da- mask cloth like blood on the Belgian snow.
 Brothers! he cried, I leave you-- but not with a final toast: Tonight I stand your Unbidden Guest tomorrow I'll be your Host!
 F.. M. UNMACk.
New Britain herald., 1918-01-26
THE WILL AND THE WAY.

In welcoming fifty aliens into citi- zenship yesterday, after he had ad- n1inistered the final oath to them, Justice Albert Seeger of the New York State Supreme Court called their at tention to the fact that he himself was a. foreign born citizen, a native of Germany.
 We will suppose, for the run of it. that these fifty aliens, instead of stan ding before judge of a United States court, were American born citizens asking for naturalization papers in Germany. Is there anyone who might even imagine that the judge who would there administrator the oath from a Supreme Court, or it's equivalent, would be of native American stock? Granted that some American citizen might have wanted to serve in such a capacity, would the Hohenzo1lerns confer on him such title or position? The chances are a thousand to one against the proposi- ton.
 The fifty aliens who were yester- day made citizens in New York state and who had the honor conferred on them by a judge whose boyhood was spent in the F'ath erland were given practical lesson in Americanism Every man coming to these shores has his chance, his great opportunity. He can be either one thing or the other. He can be a good citizen, as Judge Seeger turned out to be: or, he can be a scoundrel and plot against the na- ton that offers him every advantage. In either case he may eventually hope to see the inside of an American court roorn,-as a judge. attorney or attendent or as a prisoner before the bar. Where there's a will there's a way,
New Britain herald., 1918-01-26
(New York Sun>

ITO get 100 per cent. fighting eff ciency out of John Parsons you've got to give him his old carpet slippers after hard days work in the trench es. A good cigar and a piece of ap- pie pie to round it out and you've got a satisfied man that will do anything, you tell him. I've lived with him for 10 years and I know"
 This note, addressed to Marine corps headquarters by Mrs. John Par sons, also contained an inquiry as to whether there was any embargo on carpet slippers. Betsey Lees and ap- pie pie going to fighting marines in France. -..- af
 It's a big question, and while the Marine corps maintains no time study or welfare departments, it is felt that if his old carpet slippers will enhance John Parsons fighting qualities hc'llt just have to have them, that's all
New Britain herald., 1918-01-26

3&8usimess and It's accomplish
 ments it is Charles M. Schwab of Bethlehem, Pa. There may be some other person better acquainted with all the ramifications of this enormous industry. His name has not yet come to light. So we may take en- couragement from the steel magnate's figures showing how America is pre- pairing to combat the submarine ac- tiyities of Germany. He says that within eighteen months the United
 States will have ready for use more
 torpedo boat destroyers than all the navies of the world put together And
 torpedo boat destroyers, be it under
 stood, are the most effective means now known for dealing with the under sea boats. It may be argued that the war will not last eighteen months. We'll and good; but if it does,-watcb X the American Navy.
New Britain herald., 1918-01-26
COMMUNICATED.
JOYCE RETRACTS.
Witl,tirauS Statements Made in Com-
 nunics4tion Against Alderman Curtis.

Witl,draus Statements Made in Com- n,unic,4tion Against Alderman Curtis.
 New Britain. Jan. 26. 1918. MT. o. F. Curtis. city.
 Dear Sir:-In reference to a com ln1nication written by me and print ed in the New Britain Evening Her. aid of December 1917. in which stated that you sent out circulars broadcast to German voters in the spring of 1916, quoting from an ar tica1 appearing in the Herald a year or so previous, I wish to say that my statements were based on common report and not from my own know ledge or from any proof in my pos session consequently I now withdraw the assertion and also the statement that the city comptroller, over his sigma ture, stated the accounts of the municipal farm committee were cor- rect, as I now find this only applied to his own books-nOt theirs There fore your statements were not in conf1iCtion with his.
 Respectfully,
 THOMAS JOYCE
New Britain herald., 1918-01-26
No More GhettOS,
CBoston Transcript).

Dr. Levi, the minister of Templa Israel, is perfectly right in saying that there is no need for ghettos now. At all event there is no need for them in free America. The ghetto was 8 limbo--a pale" decreed either by unjust law, by preiudiceT or by unjust economic pressure. American institutions, Am erican thrift have no use for the ghetto. But there are some, even among us here, who would have nothing but ghettos. For tunately such ideas which are those of Lenine and Trotzky in Russia, do not prevail here. pr. Levi Is against the notion of the reiegation of the whole world to the ghetto condition He believes-and the great mass of his American co-religionists believo with him-in the liberation of all hv free labor and thrift, from this con- dition. Greater freedom, larger op- p-rtZlnity, more rights, are abolish ing the more or less voluntary ghcttos into which the immigrants from abroad collected themselves.
 Organized American society, i7rs moving toward improved housing conditions, toward public sanitation. toward universal education and uni versal thrift, is abolishing the eco homie ghetto as we'll as the racial glh etto. Its total disappearance will be the sign and token of ths con- pIete success of our political iustitl1s tiOns.
New Britain herald., 1918-01-26
THE COUNT HAS WINGS,
the Editor of the Herald:

To the EditOr of the Herald:
 In yesterdays issue of the Herald appeared dispatch dated Buenos Ayres Jan. 23rd, conveying the news that Count Karl von Lurburg, former Iy German minister to Argentina is in a critical condition in a German hospital in that country.
 A few weeks ago the writer ob- served in d foreign language news- paper published in orcester, Mass that this same Count Luxburg had safely arrived in Germany on the "Bergensfjord," and noted with ,ap- parent satisfaction that he thus had succeeded in making the journey home. in spite of the refusal of the Entente powers to grant him a safe passage. Why this discrepancy?
 kONTRAN PERFIDILOJ.
New Britain herald., 1918-01-26
WITH THE SAME STAMP.

Before answering the fourteen peace proposals of President Wilson the diplomatic giants of Germany and Austria-Hungary seem to have lgotten together and planned out the entire fabric. There is a close har- mouy in both utterances. One can |well conceive of the old sea-dog von Tirpitz and the sword rattler von AHindenburg standing immediately over the wielders of the pen and making noises like conquering heroes, #Or, perhaps the Kaiser himself strutted through the room and smashed a few chandeliers to give an added touch of warning and a re- hinder Of the ruthlessness of the #HohenzoIlerns.
 M Count von Bertlins's speech be- More the Reichstag Committee is 8 marvel in more ways than one. Ex- Seept in so far as the Austrian coun- Eerpart, uttered by Count Czernin be- Wore the Reichrath, contains a. few NJ #'jokers'' which might need separate x Explanation, the two speeches can be considered as one. Won Hertling
 must first be congratulated upon the good presentation of a bad case. De- kending a murderer caught in the act Ms, to most lawyers, a hopeless job. NTo von Hertling, probably because khe has to obey the mandates of his #ord and master, the task is at once a pleasure and an opportunity. That hs, from his side of the fence. If, however, the Germans believe that Ehe world will fall prostrate before #he rhetoric of it's diplomats as it hoped the world would fall before #the brandishments of the shining sword and the mailed fist. Emperor |RWilhelm has another period coming Eo him in which he can think things bver.
 @ The world is not dazzled nor is it #baffled by what the German in
 riguists have to say. Nor, judging Sfrom the despatches now coming over
 he wire, are the people of Austria < Hungary entirely given to swallow < Ing hook, line and sinker. From the < #ips of Philip Scheidemann, leader of M he Social-Democrats in Austria, < eomes a direct challenge to Count
 on Czernin. It is to this effect
 You complete an honorable peace H#Vtth the Russian people and all
 pthers concerned or we shall throw 3Hou and all your ilk from power" #And the stories of riots and disorder
 Ehroughout the kingdom would seem
 To bear out the meaning of such a
 hreat.
 Yet poor Count won Czernin has
 no means to bow before the will of
 he people and attend to the voice
 bf his real master at one and the
New Britain herald., 1918-01-26

It is not a thing of beauty and ap- parently it's only excuse for beirNs there is that it is.
 And in this connection attention of the proper authorities might be called to the fact that Christmas is past and gone and no longer do bands play and choruses sing holi-, day carols on the wooden platform which also decorates the green. -N
 Mondays news item--and the mov~ ing picture houses played to holiday crowds. Yes, and at holiday prices.
 The patriotic cooperation of the local saloon men to close on last Mon- day and Tuesday was commenda ble. As far as the authorities can ascertain, but two liquor men failed to obserNd this voluntary closing edics. It is now reported that unless these two men change their tactics and close Mondays a strong objection will be filed next spring against the renewal of their licenses on the grounds that they are not fit men to hold them.
New Britain herald., 1918-01-26

evening" while Congressman Robert J. Vance will talk on The Militia of Connecticut Under the Present Administra tion." Miss Gertie Hall and Willie Hall, children of MT. and Mrs. Henry Hall of Camp street en- tertained 25 of their little friends last night and had a, pleasant even ing. William Revoir and Miss Susan Daily were married at the chapel of the Sacred Heart this morning by Rev. Father TieTney, James Sweeney ] and Miss Annie. Lynch attending them.
 January 26: For number of months past the business of the Union Works has been growing and when warmer weather comes a new factory addition will be built. An other new organization, the New Britain Sick Benefit society, has been formed in New Britain and Willis H. Roden has been elected president. The citizens of Berlin have decided to make many improvements in their roads during the coming year. c. F. Smith has invented a molasses gate. Baseball enthusiasts are planning a state league with team from New Britain in 1t and Frank Cox is pleased with the plan.
 
 This little episode concerns a we'll known taxpayer and a hardly less well known constable. The latter had just served a writ of execution cn the former and. after being in duced to throw off one dollar on the costs, the ". k. taxpayer said: Well, ain't you going to buy. cigar?"
 Sure" replied the self-satisfied constable as he threw 8 half dollar on the counter.
 Out came perfectly good five center, and ding ling went the cash register. Up came the registration number and fifty cents is what it showed.
 Nonplussed, the constable left, smoking a fifty cent cigar
 An amusing story of, clever repartee at the local High school is now being passed around among the teachers. One instructor who was endeavoring to induce the class of embryo lin- suists to articu1ate the difficult phrases of that particular tongue in the most approved fashion was sud- denly interrupted by a, teacher from the next room who objected to the verbal chatterings which were waited over the transoms, under the doors and through the keyholes. Teacher No. 2, opening the door a crack, spoke to teacher No. 1 thusly, T can't stand this noise. You and your class sound like a Chinese laundry"
 Several days later teacher No. ?. instructing a class in the guttural ] German tongue opened to the page 1 of Teutonic Christmas carols. AS 1 the Gormanic songs were Altering : into the adjacent room the afore- mentioned teacher, accused of a like ness to "a. Chinese laundry" sud- 1 denly smiled. Then a scowl crossed ] the patient lines of the usual benign i face There was a dignified stalk across the room. a hurried opening 1 of the intermediate door and amid 9 silence this helated repartee was heard: 'I can't stand this noise Why don't you teach your pupils to Sing | Christian songs?''
 The Red Cross drive is over. The streets entitled to a place on the honor roll have obtained all the i credit due them. So why retain the l honor roll signboard on the green? l
New Britain herald., 1918-01-26

The fact that America is exportins $l2,5OO,OO0 worth of aniline dyes alone, when it once reaches the Rhine town, will loom larger to the workers than the boasts of von Tirpitz that Germany has won the war, though the Allies don't lInoW it.-Philadelphia Public Ledger
New Britain herald., 1918-01-26
FACTS AND RANCHES,

The BoVernmen should seize all thermometers and regulate them five or ten degrees upward.-New York Sun.
New Britain herald., 1918-01-26

AS Garfield remarked to all business establishments east of the Mississippi, "Shut up!'-Greenwich News and Graphic.
New Britain herald., 1918-01-26

Sir Edward Carson has threatened to explode so often that the detona- t1on can give little surprise.-Sprins field Republican,
New Britain herald., 1918-01-26

Jack spratt would eat no fat, hi. ,Wlie would eat no lean, and twixt them Doth they Hooverized to bump the kalser's bean.-Don Marquis in New York Evening Sun.
New Britain herald., 1918-01-26

We'll, the weather is still cold and there are a, lot of fellows down here In the valley who bought such heavy axes that our wives can't hardly chop with them, and of course we get pretty cold these mornings without wood.-~ Sevier County (Ark.) News.
New Britain herald., 1918-01-26

The Red Cross drive is over. The streets entitled to a place on the honor roll have obtained all the credit due them. So why retain the honor roll signboard on the green :?
New Britain herald., 1918-01-26

Where are those railway workers we loaned to Russia? Should we not send them a message, Come home; rather very ill., or something of that kind Baltimore News.
New Britain herald., 1918-01-26

man has been granted exemption as maker of baby carriages, because the president considers that an essen- tla1 industry. Hey, Woodrow! EIh, what ?-Portland Oregonian.
Harrisburg telegraph. [volume] (Harrisburg, Pa.) 1879-1948, 1918-10-31
HELP WANTED--FENfALE

GOVERNMENT NEEDS 10000 wo-
men clerks. Harrisburg examinations
November is. December 7. Salary
Sl,2O0. Experience Unnecessary. Wo-
men desiring government positions
write for free particulars. ]. c. Leon
Bel Kenois Building, Washington.
Harrisburg telegraph. [volume] (Harrisburg, Pa.) 1879-1948, 1918-10-31

GIRLS WANTED - Learners paid
week work. Best prices and bonus
paid. All girls from Ia to 16 with
Harrisburg Apparel Co. Third Floor,
CITY Star Laundry Building. Sixth and
Herr streets.
Harrisburg telegraph. [volume] (Harrisburg, Pa.) 1879-1948, 1918-10-31
FOR NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS.

APPLES FOR SALE - Grimes. Col
den. with a Banana flavor; Staymah.
Weinsap, Jonathans, York Imperial.
eac. Some OF these apples are very fine.
Come and see them at r. A. Wicker
shani's Orchard, one-half mile east of
Mechanicsburg. Pa. Trolley car stops
at Orchard.
Harrisburg telegraph. [volume] (Harrisburg, Pa.) 1879-1948, 1918-10-31
Money to Loan

WE LEND MONEY in compliance
with Act of June II. 1915. to individu-
ais in need of ready cash; small loans
a speciality; business confidential, pay
ments to suit borrowers convenience;
positively lowest rates in city,
PENNSYLVANIA INVESTMENT CO.,
1872 Walnut Street.
Harrisburg telegraph. [volume] (Harrisburg, Pa.) 1879-1948, 1918-10-31

son of MIR. and Mrs. Benediet
Schlftzer, died at the home OF ms
parents, 573 South Front street oc-
tober 81, 1918. - %
his parents, Saturday. at IL. o 'cloek
the Rev. +. S. Huegelr rector OF ~.
Lawrence Roman. Catholic Churcn
officiating. lnterment Mt. CalVaFS
Cemetery.
Harrisburg telegraph. [volume] (Harrisburg, Pa.) 1879-1948, 1918-10-31
ADVERTISING COSTS LESS AND GETS BETTER RESULTS i'm HE
HUNS CLAIM So VICTIMs

Berlin, Oct 31.-The shooting down
of fifty-eight hostile airplanes yes
terday by German forces is reported
bby German army headquarters in
to-day's official statement on aviation
activities.
Harrisburg telegraph. [volume] (Harrisburg, Pa.) 1879-1948, 1918-10-31

WANTED - Female ward attend
ant for the Dauphin County, Aims
house. Apply Mrs. j. w. Early. Post
Office Box 2S6 or at the institution.
1'wenty-ninth street. near Derry.
Crittenden record-press., 1918-04-25
TWO FARMS FOR SALE.
Two farms for sale at wonder

Two farms for sale at wonder
full bargains. One. 30 acres, has
handsome substantial house and
good barn. The other. so acres,
has at least $5,000.00 worth of
timber after paying all expenses
of cutting and marketing. The
land is all rich. sandy loan. ex-
traordinarily productive. Owner
exyects to 90 into the engineer
ing corps of the army and the
farm will be sold at the earliest
possible date. See or write, to
n. c. Hubbell. owner, 7lS First
National Bank Bldg, Cincinna-
Ii Ohio. All
Crittenden record-press., 1918-04-25
To The Sunday School
People Of Crittendru Co.

Remember May 9Th 1918, so
u Sunday school day, and every
body go, and take some one with
you, and go every Sunday YOU
can during the year. At the fun.
eral Of Bro K. NJ. Franks, at
Hurricane. Bro. ". j. Hjllaskad
the relatives, to grant him per-
mission to get money through
the Sunday schools to erect a
monument tohls grave, and Bro.
Hill has appealed to the people
at different times and places,
through the Record.Press, and
some have responded but doubt
less the family, would long since
have had it done, had they not
granted Bro, Hill his request
and now let every Supt in the
county tax, a collection for that
purpose on May the 5th, and send
it To W. J. Hill, Marion, Ky. T..
!. We all remember tie fai hful,
and efficient service, of Bro. FIR.
ankS, as our county President,
for a number of years. And now
let us show our appreciation for
him by prompt and liberal res.
ponse, and | would ike to have
the name and address Of every
Supt, IN the county, and also a
eport from every school, giving
he number OF officers and teach.
ers, number enrolled and numb.
er of conversions, Send your re-
port either to X. II. Thomas, Sh.
erldan, Ky. Il. |. or to Herschel
o. Franklin, Marion, Ky. Fords,
ferry Route.
Il, II. Thomas, County Pres.
Crittenden record-press., 1918-04-25
SEVEN SPRINGS.

Parents bring your children to Sab.
bath school. The Bible says train a
child up in the nurture and admonition
ot the Lord and when they are old
they Will not depart from it.
We are having quite spell OF win.
ter weather, together with spring flow.
ers. We think the gardens here that
are up are not doing any good and we
fear our fruit crop is greatly Gam.
aged.
Protracted meeting begins at Seven
Springs first Sunday in October.
Most all of Bill Shoecraft's family
are sick at this writing DR.. Matlock
o. Salem, is attending them.
Born to Mr. and Mrs. Moat Duvall,
a fine girl, April the 9Th, 1918.
Mrs Matte Turley has been quite
i'll the past two weeks and under the
care of a physician
jim Guess was in Marion Monday.
Linzey Hodge, wife and baby, visited
John Patton and family near Mexico,
Easter Sunday.
Tom Patton was in Marion Tuesday.
Mrs. l.. X. McClude has been on the
sick list the past week.
Eyerette Mckinney was the guest of
Newt Mckinney and family Sunday.
Sam Guess and family, of Lyon coun-
ty visited Onie Duncan and family
Sunday.
Leslie Mcclure and Ernie Shoccraft
were in Paducah last week.
Mrs Fred Bandy has been very sick
the past week
Lea Travis was in Marion April the
Sth.
Mrs. Addie Davis has purchased a
lice Nictrola.