The Washington herald., 1918-01-12

cider. chalk and vinegar-be like an
I.ish,nan out in Iowa., during Nc
KInley's second campaign. He had a
picture OF Mckinley here in his coat
and he had great long red-peppar
pod, and fellow said TO him, What
does that mean?'
Flags Conceited Men.
He said, ut means red hot for Nc
Kinley-touch me not"
Self-conceit! Listen, boys-that's a
great big handicap to you. It's sad
day for a young fellow when he has
| such an exalted opinion of himself
that ex-President Taft's overcoat
won't make him vest.
There is more hope for a fool than
the fellow whose head is full OF van
ity. Like a fellow said: did you
hear about Isaac? He lost S,0oO,"
! The other fellow said: Il didn't
know he had 5000
He said: "It was In his mind and
| he lost his mind; he's bughouse.
A conceited man is a man on stiits,
| for his long, wooden legs are hid by
| nts-Santaloons He is the stripes on
barber pole. A conceited man is a
drum major In a procession. A con-
4
per on a telegraph pole: he's like some
newspapers, all scareheads and no
| telegraph news. Hes like some res
taurants-everything in the window,
but nothing on the table but hot air.
You do the nodding while he does the
speaking and he'll be roses in June,
ice cream soda in August, and mince
pie at Christmas, but you try and get
him 10 sit out there and smile anG
nod while you do the stunt and you'll
know the meaning of "wormwood and
gall" and you won't need a diction-
ary, either.
| Look on the bright side. Oh, sun
dial in Spain says: Il mark only the
bright hours" Every time you smile
put a crimp in the undertaker's busi-
ness and keep the hearse away from
your house. "A. merry heart doeth
good like medicine" Get your own
heart full of sunshine and you will
bequeath 1t to others.
II every black cloud had cyclone
in it, the world would have been
blown to toothpicks long ago. What
Lever happens it~might be worse. 1
heard of a fellow that was an opto-
mist and that was his stereotyped re-
| ply. His wife came down one morn
ing looking worried and she said:
II had a horrible dream. l dreamt
the devil had me tied up in a robe like
a spider ties a fly. He had me strap
ped to his back and he was taking
me Off to hell and there was no one
to help"
And he said: 1T might have beel,
worse
She said: Good heavens, how could
/ it?" r
He said: "It might have been true"
So don't go to pieces every time
things go different from the way
you'd like them. Don't be like a
Shanghai rooster I know of-every
| time he'd crow he'd throw his legs
out of joint. They had to 20 and set
him up before he could crow again. II
you will all look on the bright side of
things, smile and look happy, your
best friends wouldn't know you in a
month from now.
You'd be like street barker out
in Indiana where live. A fellow
stood on the street corner on dry
goods box. selling soap to the'yaps
that came around, and he said: 'Ha-
dies and gentlemen, I have the honor
to offer for your consideration the
finest brand Of soap ever made. A
man down here In the next county
bought a cake of il. went home, took
a bath and his own dog bit him."
So you can't have everything; you
have to divVy.
Poverty No Crime.
| Like a fellow who was attending a
wedding and they were using the
Episcopslian ritual. and when they
came to that point in the service
where it says: III there is anyone
present that knows any reason why
this couple should not be united In
| the bonds of holy wedlock. 'let him
| speak now or forever hold his peace.
A long. lean, lank. Grim-visaGed,
lantern jawed, cadaverous, weaZel-
eyed fellow with a trombone neck,
prodigious Adams apple. shifted his
old cud from left to right. spit to-
bacco enough to drown a rat and he
said: ''Parson. I object
He said: "On what ground"
He said: by Gosh. want that gal
myself"
You can't tell mans size by the
fuss he makes. A frog makes more
noise than a whale. and a pup barks
more than an old dog. No. Like a
colored fellow got up to give his tcs-
timony. He said: Brothers and sis
ters, can talk more religion in ten
minutes than I can live in two years.
| A friend of mine was out in Chau-
tauqua lecturing and he was explain
ing the mystery of the X-ray. He
said: You can take a Din and hide n
beneath a dictionary and see it. It's
marvellous - there's nothing hidden
| from it. You can look right through
a person. If a child has swallowed a
penny or a hatpin you can look right
in and see it,"
So this old negro stod there scratch
ling his head and he said. Say. boss.
can YOU see anything in anybody
eyes, sir"
IT a man eats his dinner can you
see the dinner"
lie said, ives, sir"
He said. "If he's been eating chicken
can YOU see it?''
Eyes, s,r."
He said. Boss. you can't tell where
ne got the CHICKEN, cah NOu?'
But some young fellow listens to
me tonight and comes to me and
says. But Bill. I am handicapped; !
am poor" Uh-huh!
"My creed of compassion has piousiy
stood
! For the fellow who couldn't make
good If he would;
But my sympathy ceases. as all SYM
pathy should
For the lobster who wouldn't make
| good IL he could
You go home, my boy, and count
up the names in history of men who
crept and crawled out of the sewer