Trench and camp. [volume] (Augusta, Ga.) 1917-1919, 1918-07-17
Our Weekly Fable In Slang
By BARTON RICHARDS

To bat a close second to Old Man
Diogenes, I'll have to admit that
Branchwater was no humming hive of
Industry AS swirling vortex Of in
dustry and q, harbor Of the fnadding
throngf it was decidedly Nix Cum Rous,
which well known Scandinavian phrase
means few thousand leagues below
par. No gunner ever made Branch
water famous by letting daylight into
some Of the perfectly respectable
tradesmen via a small edition of an
arsenal The nearest thing to a cab
aret was Joe's place down on the dis.-
mond where for half PUNK you
could get a full course dinner from
soup to pecans, and a concert on the
Vic.
There was always three things that
you were sure were going to happen In
BranehWater, every day, morning, noon
and night. They started to ring cur
few there at 8 p. m. one time but some
OF the selectmen soon put the quietus
on that for the season that 1t woke the
best families Of the town up. A one
ring circus IN the village looked like a
first night at the Metropolitan and the
whole populace was there with bells
on, from the Hoi Polloi, which consist
ed Of the few uncuitured people who
still wiped their mouth on the table
cloth to the elite which consisted Of
those few souls who had been to the
county seat and had red plush albums
on the center table in the parlor.
Altogether Branahwater was urban,
very urban, or guess that's what they
call those little villages whers those
interurbans run. 1t was so quiet there
during the days that you could hear
the grass growing. and at night the
ffa
in New Orleans. The nearest thing to
scandal that the town ever had was
when Old Man Simphins' girl, Sue, had
an Ice cream soda down at the local
medical foundry and fizS diBpenaary
with a fresh young travelling sales
man who wore suit that looked Ike
a checker board and sounded like the
finish Of d race at Sheepshead Bay be-
Zero the anti-racing bill went through.
But on the other hand, to quote our
best sellers, Branchwater had a few
redeeming features II you wanted
vacation, where you could get board
for something less than a months sal
airy for week. whore they served you
real cows milk, and eggs that still re-
membered their mother, or where they
had real ham, Branchwater was the
place. When 1t came to making lemon
pies that had real lemon In them and
were about three inchea thick, old
Aunty Skinner had the world stopped
and you could cross the street without
having some wild man In a Tin Lizzie
knock the shine off your heels. And
then in the long summer evenings
when the Wild Jasmine and honeysuckie
were competing for the most fragrant
doors, and the village lassies went
walking down the main street, In their
simple calico gowns, and looking like
humans and not IKE an advertisement
for some flour min and paint factory,
and you tilted your chair up against
81 Johnson's General Store and swapp-
ed lies with the old men az the village
and the world seemed a pretty good old
place after all, you made up your mind
that while possibly Branchwater would
never be first in the census list, stiil
IL was great oldplace.
One or two hot sketches in the old
burg used to pan 1t whenever the OPP
portunity came across. One of the
aforesaid II 8 was young Jim MeJun-
kin. Jeems be it known had once been
to the nearest metropolis of 80, 900 souls
and his faynrite outdoor pastime was
to lear ~ against the cigar case at the
81 80 aAA@ y il8iy mention the night
when be spent one dollar and sixty
five cents on 81 girl and he didn't be-
grudse the money neither. According
to his dope, Branchwater was the
jumping off place and II It wasn't for
himself and a couple Of other real guys
the town would have been shot to
pieces worse than 1t was. At that it
was no place for & real man who has
used to a wild evening occasionally
and for his part the first opportunity
that he got 20 leave, would see him
shaking the dust of the burg from his
No, and.a half double A slsids with
a wild whoop of unrefined JOY, Were
It not for the fact that the wheels Of
progress would be gummed up too bag
he would heve had Wall Street eating
out of his hand long before this. ana
would have left the ribbon counter
over which he presided at Binn's one
and only department store, flat on its
back