davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16
HAD LAUGH ON GERMAN SPY
How Charles M. Schwab Made Monkey Out of Emissary of
 of Kaiser.

Charles NJ. Schwab had an adven. ture with a German spy said Phil. adelphia editor, "a short time before We entered the war.
 MT. SchWab went out to Chicago on some munitions business. and the spy dogged him like shadow all the way-dogged him all over the Windy city, too.
 "0ne evening, to fool the fellow, Mir Schwab wrote some fake telegrams in the hotel library, and then he tore 8 couple of the telegrams up. scattered them on the floor and hurried from the room.
 The spy, who was, of course, right on the job, didn't follow him out righ' away. That was what he had expect ed and so after bit he stole back or tiptoe to take MT. Spy by surprise.
 "What he saw made him smile. The spy was down on his hands and knees gathering up and putting together the torn bits of fake telegram.
 MT. Schwab, standing in the door way. gave loud laugh. Then he said:
 "Boy Ed, or Von Papen. or what ever your name is. I'm pleased to see that you Germans care more about scraps of paper now than you used to'"
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16
CHEERFUL HEART GOES FAR
When You Come to Think of It, the Man With a Crouch" Is Seldom
 Popular.

To keep the face cheerful the voice cheerful to de good like . medicine We must keep the heart cheerful This k not an easy matter. one does not simply have to say: T will be cheerful" and then have it so. He has L. work far cheeHaulne>s just as he works to be honest or Kind. or brave, CT learned He must be looking out for bright things to see and da. He must deliberately, yet quickly. choose which things he will thiuk about and how. lie Inns ta shut hHs teeth, IS # were, sometimes and turn away from the gloomy things. and do something 10 bring back the cheerful spirit again If We are cheerful for others, we are doing for ourselves. Good given, means good sent baek. Cheerfulness cun become habit. ant habit sometimes helps us over hard places. A cheerful heart seeth cheer full things. .-Exchange.
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16
SOME WIVES ARE LIKE THIS
overmuch Docility Is Not Always Ap. preciated by the Gentle Sex, as
 This Story Shows.

"My dear you know there Is noth- ing I hate more than q domestic scene"
 Well, then, John Henry Dgbwalte, why do you conduct yourself in a way that forces me to create domestic sceneas
 What have I done9n
 "Nothing. That's just it. You've said. Yes. my dear to me so many times I'm sick tnd tired of hearing t. Why don't you lose your temper occa- sionally? Throw things around, slam the door. kick the cat, threaten to choke me! Tor once in your life do something to convince me that I'm married to red-blooded man and not spineless jellyfish.-Birmingham Age-Heraid
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16
M7lCSlTEIRSNllTRif5 M7lCSTlTT U EHILL H5NHg;
sold for 50 Years FOR MALARIA, CELLS AND FTyn. As0 Fns General Strengthening Tsals A DruG stsrts
Only Thirty Days.

Gus Peterson hain't care much for dis har society business, but sum tam his wife her drag Gus out and he hav awful tam figering out vote tu du with his hand and feet.
 Last week Missus Peterson took Gus tn dinner party at Washington hotel and Gus he hay tn set between tu so- ciety vimmen. These vimmen tank 1t bane gude yoke and they try tu talk tu Gus. but la ain't say vary much.
 A got letter from my son. He's in Yale, you no,n said yone of the vim men.
 "Ay got bruther vot bane there tu, . Gus say.
 "Is that so2 yot year?' ask the woman.
 He don't got no year. Gus tai her. He yust punch Norwegian felleE in the eye and the yudge give hem 30 day in vail. l.'-Washington State Weekly.
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16
GIVE CALIFORNIA SYRUP OF FIGS AT ONCE IF BILIOUS OR
 cONSTIPATED

Look at the tongue, motherl If coated, it is sure sign that your lIt- tie ones stomach. liver and bowels needs a gentle, thorough cleansing at once.
 When peevish, cross. listless, pale, doesn't sleep, doesn't eat or act natu- rally, or is feverish, stomach sour, breath bad; has stomach-aehe, sore throat, diarrh9a, full of cold. give a teaspoonful of "California Syrup of Figs" and in a few hours all the foul, constipatee waste, undigested food and sour bile gently moves out of the little bowels without gripping. and you have well, playful child again.
 You needn't coax sick children to take this harmless fruit laxative :" they love it's delicious taste, and 1t always makes them feel splendid.
 Ask your druggist for a bottle of California Syrup of Figs" which has directions for babies, children of all ages and for grown-ups plainly on the bottle. Beware of commercials sold here. To be sure you get the genuine, ask to see that it is made by the Cali fornia Fig Syrup Company Refuse any other kind with contempt.-Adv.
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16
Watch Your Stomach
 In Hot Weather
A Cool, Sweet, Strong Stomach Your Best Safe
 guard Against Summer Sickness

Keep your stomach in good work ing order during the hot summer months and you will have little to fear in the way of sickness" the advice many physicians give as hot weather approaches.
 Good, sound, common sense advice. too. For very frequently, and especial ly in hot weather, these common stom- ach disorders which SO many people seem to regard as of minor importance, do open the way for serious illness.
 So keep your stomach sweet, cool and comfortable all summer long The extra war work-change of diet@poi- sons that come with hot weather-all hit us In the stomach. The strongest stomach will need help this summer as never before.
 The one easy way if you have the nght remedy is to rid the stomach of too much acid. Because it t's superacid- ity that interteres with digestion and assimilation, and this causes about all those stomach miseries you are so familiar with-heartburn ,food-reneat-
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16
GOODBYE BACKACHE, KIDNEY
 AND BLADDER TROUBLES

box Of imported GOLD MEDAL Haar- lem Oil Capsules. They are pleasant and easy 10 take. Each capsule con. tains about one dose of five drops. Take them just like you would any pill. Take a small swallow of water If you want to. They dissolve in the stomach, and the kidneys soak up the oil like a sponge does water. They thoroughly cleanse and wash out the bladder and kidneys and throw of the inflammation which is the cause of the trouble. They will quickly relieve those stiffened joints. that backache.
 rheumatism. lumhage. seiafiea, gall- stones. gravel. "br1ekdust." etc. They are an effective remedy for all dis eases of the bladder. kidney, liver. stomach and allied organs. Your druggist will cheerfully refund your money if you are not satisfied after few days use. Accept only the pure.
 original GOLD MEDAL Haarlem oil Capsules. None other genuine.-Adv.
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16
Tonight! Take DodSon's Liver Tone!
 Better Than CaIomeI For Liver Calome1 siekens! If bilious eonstipated and head
 achy read my guarantee.

Listen To mel Take no more sicken- ing ~aliyaaHg cale#e1 ~hea bilious ar constipated. Don't lose a days wcrh ].
 Calomel is mercury or quicksilver. which causes necrosis of the bene=. Caiomel when it comes into contact with sour bile, crashes into il, break ing it up. Thts is when you feel that awful nausea and crdmpiug. If yuu are sluggish and all knocked out if your liver is torpid and bowels coHsti- pated or you have headache. dizziness. coated tongue, if breath is bad or stomach sour. just take a spoonful of harmless Dodson's Liver Tone.
 Here's my guarantee-Go to any drug store and get bottle Of Dodsonts Liver Tone far a few cents. Take spoonful tonight, and if 1t doesn't
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16
There Was But One

"0h my dear" said the new proud mother to her husband, T wish you could see the new baby across the way. It's perfectly lovely Such a delicate, sweet little creature as it is It's perfect little eherub, with the loyeliest eyes, the sweetest little mouth, and the cunnfngest little nose. It looks as if it had just dropped from heaven, and every tiny feature had been fashioned by the angels"
 ''Is it as nice as our baby?" quickly asked her husband
 Mercy. no Not half" was the emphatic reply that came from the vi cinity of the dainty-ruffied crib.-Den- yer Post
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16

women. Mrs. JOHN KoPPELMAlN, R. No. l, Mclean, Nebraska.
 This famous root and herb remedy, Lydia E. Pinkham's s Vegetable Com pound, has been restoring women of America to health for more than forty years and 1t will well pay any woman who suffers from displacements, in f1ammation, alteration, irregularities, backache, headaches, nervousness or "the blues" to give this successful remedy trial.
 For special suggestions in regard to your ailment write Lydia E. Pinkham Medicine Co.,, Lynn, Mass. The result of it's long experience is at your service.
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16
Casus B elIi.

"Yes'm." through his bruised lips confessed the little boy whose hair sprangled uncurriedly and whose freckles were as the sands on the, sea shore. I've been fighting. Skinny Smith bet me thousand dollars that his brother who is in the army would kill more Huns than my soldier broth or would. I bet him a million dollars his old brother wouldn't do any such thing. Then he bet me a billion he would. too. I didn't know any bigger number than that. and so, O course, l had to whip him. Kansas City Star.
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16
I R|1[.JI.1lR3yL
USES FOR DIFFERENT FOWL s
Poultry, Other Than Chickens, Have Important Place in Increasing
 Needed Food Supply.

Prepared by the United States Depart
 ment of AgrIeulture)
 The hen first and last, s the main dependence for increasing the supply of white meat and eggs. hut she re- quires the aid ot turkeys. guineas. geese, and ducks, just as, on dairy farm. the COW requires the aid of pigs. sheep. and eaats The setting of the standard at loo hens per farm k safe. but no such arbitrary standard can abe set for the other kinds of poultry. The small farm. with grain fields If neighboring farms iH proximity to the barn and dnoryard would, perhaps be better without turkeys. The farm through which no streams run and which has He large pond would per haps be better without ducks. But the cireumscribed farm on which tur- keys would be d disadvantage may be well supplied with streams and ponds so that ducks would be unusually profitable, and the farm that has no streams and ponds may have large range for turkeys. Each farm family will have to determine for itself what poultry can he profitably kept in ad dition to loo hens. bearing in mind always that an adequate number should be kept of all the kinds for which free range can be found.
 Turkeys, ranging farther afield, prey upon insect forms that escape the hens. From the time the young are old enough to begin foraeing for themselves perhaps early in June un- til near frost. turkeys take the bulk of their food from field insects, de- vouring millions of grasshoppers and other injurious forms in meadow and pasture. h regions where wooded areas are still fairly extensive mast iS an important item in the diet of the turkey. When the insect stores be gin te fail, the mast larders are be- ginning to be filed Feeding on acorns. cheStnuts,, beech nuts. and the like. turkeys will go long wax toward fattening themselves for the Thanks giving or Christmas market and will not require much feeding of corn or other grain to finish them. Generally speaking, turkeys will require q larger feeding of grain than chickens to it them for market, but. as they utilize forms of waste thai hens and their broods would not reach. the keeping of fair number of turkeys is good economy.
 Guinea fowls utilize still other kinds of waste that would escape both hens and turkeys. Taking wider range than chickens and vet not quite so wide aS turkeys, keeping largely to thiekets and weed patches. and com hitting fewer depfedations against field and garden than either chickens ar turkeys. requiring little feeding at any time, being prolific layers. during their season of eggs that are thought by many to have richer and finer flavor even than hen eggs, the guinea fowl is an economic necessity on any farm where q serious effort is made to convert all waste into meat and eggs.
 'fhe one kind of poultry of question: able economic status on farms is the pigeon. Almost exclusively grain eater. the pigeon renders no notable service as q conserver of waste, ex- cept it might he shattered grain in the fields, and that in large measure would be taken up by other poultry and by pigs.
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16

sJraighten you right I'D and make you feel fHe and vigorous hF morning. I want you ta go back 10 the store and get your money. Dadsou's Liver Tone s- destroying the sale of eafomel be- cause t IS real liver medicine; entire ly vegetable. therefore 1t can not sail yate or make you sick.
 guarantee that one spoonful of Dodsan'S Liver Tone VIII pu1 your sluggish liver to work and clean yoar bowels Of taat saHr bila and coass!- pated waste which E clagEiHg your system and making Enu feel hi serahle. guarantee That a bottle CT Dodson's Liver Tone wtfi keep your entire fam fly feeling fHe for HaHth Give f D your children. II is harmless: doesn't gripe and they like its pleasant tasta. Adv.
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16

ing. indigestion, sour, gassy stomach and that miserable, bloated, pufted-up condition after eating.
 Now here is good news. An easy. sure relief has been found to get rid oi the harmful acidity and gases in the stomach. It is called EATONIC, good tasting compound that you eat just like candy. A tablet or two of EATONIC after meals will work won- ders. You can have no idea of what sure, quick comfort EATONIC brinrs until you do try it. Use EATONfC after your meals, enjoy good appetite and get full strength from fhe food you eat. At the same time protect your- self from summer stomach and bowel miseries.
 Get big box of EAToNIC from your druggist today. He will tell you that people who have used EATONIO say that they never dreamed that any thing could give such quick and won- derful results. 1t costs only 5oc s box and Ii 1t fails in any way, your drug gist who you know and trust, will re- turn your money.
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16
Lemon Juice
 For FreCkIes Girls! Make beauty lotion at home for few cents. Try 1t!

Squeeze the juice of two lemons into a bottle containing three ounces of orchard white, shake well, and you have a quarter pint of the best freckle, sunburn and tan lotion, and complex lon whitener, at very, very small cost.
 Your grocer has the lemons and any drug store or toilet counter Will supply three ounces of orchard white for few cents. Massage this sweetly fragrant lotion into the face, neck, arms and hands and see how freckles, sunburn and tan disappear and how clear. soft and white the skin becomes. Yes! It is harmless.-Adv.
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16
Butter Substitute.

Carl Emil Junek fhe Chicago dye stuff importer said n a dinner
 The Germans. thank goodness. are feeling the pinch of hunger terribly now. heard In q heer garden yes terday story about Berlin fam fly.
 "The mother of this family was knocking the free dispensary in the Kaiserstrasse.
 Goodness. but they're mean 2. she said. T sent little Fritz for some ointment for my eczema yes terday. and they gave him box Of ointment 10 bigger than thimhle= full"
 "She heaved a sigh.
 So that means. she said. well have to keep right on eating dry bread"
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16
DUCKS GATHER THEIR LIVING
Fowls Convert Waste and Thinus of Little Value Into Proit-They
 Destroy Weeds.

Ducks will gather most of their Hv- ing eight or nine months of the year if allowed to do so. By this method they will produce lots of eggs. and this is the profitable way to manage ducks They should convert waste and things of little or no value into profit. They are splendid birds for gathering up in- sects and larvae, both on land and in the water. They destroy obnoxious weeds, and are good gleaners in field after harvest.
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16

For centuries all over the world GOLD MEDAL Haarlem Oil has af- forded relief in thousands upon thou- sands of cases of lame back. lumbago. seiatiea, rheumatism. gallstones, gray el and all other affections Of the kid neys, liver, stomach. bladder and al lied organs. It acts quickly. It does the work. It cleanses your kidneys and purifies the blood. It makes q new man. new woman. of you. It frequently wards off attacks of the dread and fatal disease Of the kid neys. It often completely cures the distressing diseases of the organs of the body allied with the bladder and kidneys. Bloody or cloudy urine. sed- iment, or "briekdust" indicate an un- healthy condition.
 Do not delay a minute If your back aches or you are sore across the loins or have difficulty when urinating. Go to your druggist at once and get a
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16
MARKING CHICKS MADE EASY
Toe Punch Method Enables Poultry man to Distinguish Hens From
 the Young Pullets.

Prepared by the United States Depart
 ment of Agriculture9
 Toe punch or mark all the chickens before they are transferred to the brooder or brood coop so that their age and breeding can be readily deter
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16
Fiery Red PinnIes

A hot bath with Cutieura Soap followed by an application of Cuticura Oint- ment to distressing eczemas. etc, proves their wonderful properties. For free samples address "Cuticura, Dept x, Boston," At druggists and by mail. Soap 9, Ointment 9 and 50.-Adv.
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16

1Otit pOuitd | Q a l l women who suffer from any functional disturbance, as 1t has done me more good than all the doctors medicine. Since taking it I have a fine healthy baby girl and have gainedin health and strength. My hus- band and 1 both praise your med
 gr
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16
What Enqlishwomen Are ooino.

Six hundred and seventeen thousand English women have gone into busi- ness-l9S.00e into government posi- tionss 2.0o1 into transport servicet 5o.- GOO into banking and finance; 3O7 .o80 into selling and clerical positions From Nick (. l.. Drug Topics.
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16
Judicial Pur.

A certain judge way trying a ease where a dealer sued q steamship com pany for the loss of some pigs in hre on board a cross channel boat. It came out in evidence that the steamer had q large deck load, and here the damage was greatest.
 The judge thus began his charge to the jury:
 "Gentlemen, to put these pigs on deck was rash act, but to fry them was a rasher"
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16
Trying 1t Out.

Why did the kaiser fire you?" For making a speech which was not we'll received"
 Tough luck. kamerad"
 All the more. since it was one he wrote himself. f."-Louisville Courier Journal
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16
Sixteen Different Methods Of Marking Chcks-lf This Plan Is Followed Age of Fowls Can Easily Be Told.

mined after they are matured. Farm CTS frequently keep old hens on their farms and kill the younger hens and bullets, because they are unable 10 distinguish between them after the bullets have matured.
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16
By Absent Treatn, a.,.

Miss SAreecher Was giving q concerf all by herself and had succeeded in puhe3urins the roof in several places The man with a heavy shock of bald. head started for the door. reelfnr as he went \ friend met him at the door
 Whats the matter old tope" asked his friend. in q stage wmspera
 "0h, I'll be aiI right as soon as aet out of hearing distance. Just m nj. tat-z of high-C sickness"
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16
One Thine That Holds its Own.

Everything else k getting sn4ller- douehtnuts and cakes and pies-hat the piece af mind. we get f-am out critics is the same old regulation size Memphis sommercial-Appeal.
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16
When He's Happy.

Mrs Flatbush-Does your husband enjoy good health?
 Mrs. BenSenhurst-He doesn't seem to. He's never really happy unless he thinks there's something the matter with him.
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16
Salesma anship.

What is your idea of good sales maHas
 .-A bald-headed barber who can sell hair tonic"
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16
Great Destroyers of Insects.

Chickens are great destroyers of in- sects, including many injurious forms, in yard, pasture, and orchards. They destroy useless grasses and weeds also.
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16
It's SDeedv ct.es

What kind of a cycle k the world living in nowf"
 rather think it k a motor-cvclq. <
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16
When the Rear Is the Front.

What do you hear from your boy at the frontf"
 He writes that he is still at the real.
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16

Beautiful, clear white clothes delights the laundress who uses Red Cross Ball Blue. All groeers. Adv.
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16

Smile, smile, beautiful clear white clothes. Red Cross Ball Blue, American made, therefore best. All groeers. Adv
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16
he Cut Dfra~4

IT l give you meal will you cut "it glaSSf"
 l-adE' I'll cut it dead I'll seorn ter rdHce il"
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16
Perfectly Harmless. Contains TO Mux-vo,'1ica OF other Poisonous Drugs. HE Groves cksiH Tonic TabEefs

You get Groves Tasteless chill Tonic in Tablet form we'll as in Syrup the kind you have always bought The Tablets intended for those who prefer swallow tablet rather than syrup and for those who travel The tablets called GROVES chill TONIC TABLETS" and contain exactly the medicinal properties acy the results Groves Tasteless chill Tonic which put up in bottles. The price of either is 6Oc.
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16

Miss Sallie Lanes, an east Tennes' see schoolteacher. has a record oi moving six acres of hay in one day
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16

Any man who is dead in love with himself should be buried in oblivion.
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16

4 new war weapon consists of sword with revolver incorporated ia the hilt.
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16

The girl with light hair is always afraid that people will not thfpI, if fs natural.
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16

In various walks of life some people have walkoyer and others get walk ed on.
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16
Meat Produced Quickly,

more quickly than from any other source.
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16

Jamaicans can raise two vegetable crops yearlv.
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16
10 ALL WOMEN
 WHO ARE lLL.
This Woman Recommends Lydia E. Pinkham's Vege- table Compound-Her
 Personal Experience.

Mclean, Neb.-" want to recom- mend Lydia E. Pinkham's Vegetable
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16

Groves Tssteiess chill Tonic destroys the malarial germs which are transmitted to the blood by the Malaria Mosquito. Price 6Yc-
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16

Hawaii will breed goats on a large
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16
Groves TaSfeReSS cEpEgE Tonic

Enrehes the Blood and Purifes the Bood by this means It Strengthens the body from head to toe and you can soon feel its Strengthening, Invigoratng Effect It contains just what the blood needs. Iron and Quinne, in form acceptable to the most deli cate stomach.
 GROVES TASTELESS chill TONIC is an ex- eeptlonally Good General Strengthening Tonic for the Child for the Mother or any of the Family, young or old Pleasant to take. Price 60c
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16
Some Exceptions.

"Talk is cheap
 T didn't aud 1t so when I got mad and talked bae'; to the judge"
The Monticellonian., 1918-08-16

Prepared by inc United States Depart
The Clio messenger. (Clio, Mich.) 1907-current, 1918-11-15
Too Much for the Skunk.

Mr.. Cackle Berry vOuches for the
following story:
A Frenchman, an Englishman, an
Irlshman and q German prisoner were
in an argument as to which was the
bravest.
A Yank overheard the controversy
and decided to settle it. Pointing to
nearby poultry house, he told them
that there was skunk inside and
asked the Irishman to step inside and
see how long he could stand 1t.
Pat did as he was told In five min
utes he came out. The Englishman fol-
lowed, but he stood it only four min
utes. The Frenchman next tried 1t,
but five minutes was enough for him.
1t was the Germans turn. He went
in and the others waited. The minutes
passed - o-three-four-fiv
-siX-seven, but no German. Eight
minutes-ten-the skunk came out.