davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1918-06-02

think Of all the trouble men have
with their wife's relations, Il seems
to me the method Of the cave man
had its advantages"
TITS about the only satisfactory So
luton Of the mother-in-law problem
know Of" said Achilles; "and there
was vigor about 1t that relieved It
Of much Of the mushy sentlmentality
by which matrimony is hedged to-
Il wonder IL that's why 90 many
women are suspicious of mems clubs
these days." said Napoleon"
Samson is right. up to Q certain
point" said Socrates. But. after all.
a wedding should not be either q
prize fight or a massacre"
mo-" said Henry VIII; tho fighting
should come along afterward. az a nat
ural sequence to what hos gone before"
The next development in matrimony
was an improvement" said Socrates.
when a man who had fallen in love
with a lady didn't kill anybody at all.
but merely went out and licked her
whole family. just to provo that he
was better able to take caro- Of her
than they were. It was a case Of the
best man winning"
Napoleon. I've known a lot Of mar
riages where the bride would have
been far happier If she had married
the best man instead Of the groom"
There has never been better plan
than mine." said Romulus. i've seen
all sorts Of matrimonial plans tried
out. from the somewhat unpublished
methods of the cave man down to the
modern system SO impressive in its
ceremonial and SO frequently disas-
trous in its results: but for real sub
stantial efficiency my little five
o'clock tea to the Sabines was a win
ner. We invited our neighbors' daugh-
ters. sisters and maiden aunts to a
charming little musical at my house,
and at given signal my mobilized
bachelors grabbed all the debutantes
in sight and made OF with them. 1t
brought about an automatic adjust
ment that was better than any system
Of eugenics yet invented by your most
expert sexuagenarians. The best man
got the best wives. The weaklings
had to take what was left, and while,
Of course. might does not make right,
might is an essential element Of sue
cessfu1 manhood"
''Your argument listens well, but it
has one weakness. Rummy," said Ma
poleon. 1T Is not the habit of your
strong man to pick out what Is good
for him matrimonially. I'm not NAM
ing any names. but there have been
several people in history who were
strong men, but bad pickers. II it
were not for fear Of being thought
personal. I would say that Samson
and Henry the Eighth were strong
Evening star., 1918-06-02
The Better Spirit.

VIZ LILLIAN BARNES, the republican
w leader. tossed aside his news-
paper fmpatiently in the library Of
the New York Republican Club.
THE kaiser is always talking about
God" he said. '"rhe kaiser bombards
a Paris church and kills Fifty girls
and women. To God be the praise he
says piously. He sinks a hospital
ship that he'd promised to protect.
Here is proof he declares, that God
Is on our side.' Pah!
:. 1T seems to me that the kaiser
would do better to show some Of tho
spirit that animated little Tommy
Jones.
when Tommy. red-eyed and sniff
fling. was permitted to come forth
at last from the black closet, his
mother said severely:
"'I hope you told the Lord about It.
I hope you asked His forgiveness
No, ma'am, didn't Tommy
shifted. 7 was so bad that didn't
think you'd want it known outside OF
the family"
Evening star., 1918-06-02
A Parable.

R RAND WHITLOCK said in an adj
dress in Washington:
my war experiences have done mo
good. They have broadened my mind
I am a writer rather than a politician,
and We writer's live too restricted
lives.
You know the story Of Carlyle and
his soundproof room in Chelsea.
Carlyle had built a soundproof room
for himself on the top Of his house.
The room had no windows, but only q
skylight for Illuminating purposes. To
an elderly visitor from Craigenputtock
the room was shown proudly by Car.
lyle. and the visitor gave a cacklfng
laugh and said:
my conscience, this is fine! Hero
ye may write and study all the rest O.
yer life, and nobody'I be a bit the
WISER"
Evening star., 1918-06-02

overheard by Rabelais and Thackeray
for his Indulgence in the crime Of lese
Jocosit, the discussion was resumed.
WELL" said Henry the Eighth, IT
wish all these dear young brides and
brdegrooms all the happiness in the
world. but marriage is risky ven
ture at best. and the attempt to rear
q permanent structure of felicity
upon the shaky foundations of a pas
sion founded merely upon propinqui-
ty. or a chance flash of the eye. Is a
game less stable than that which is
played at Monte Carlo. The prizes
are there. and now and then a chap
comes along and breaks the bank.
but for the rest-ah me! How many
perish for the lack Of a system!"
More people have been ruined by
systems than by hazards at Monte
Carlos" said Midas.
IT don't see how anybody could re-
duce matrimony to a system anyhow"
said Byron.
That's because you are a poet -
smiled Henry. mo poet ever reduced
anything to system. But an expert
Evening star., 1918-06-02

Of Cleves: q year and half with
Catharine Howard, and so on. L
haven't my marriage certincate WIN
me, and 1 can't remember the name OF
my last wife. but the point is. having
been a bachelor. a benedict, q Wild
over, and male divorcee, =
Count that day lost whose low descending sun
showed no new bride by gallant Henry won,
chortIed Napoleon.
II suppose your matrimonial bonds
had coupons on EN-" said Louis XIV.
''One for each ceremony"
BE that as it may, LOU" said Hen
ry, II can say this for myself: I
married my wives. and made perfect
ladies of 'em all, and that's more
than some other folks l might men
tion ever did. II I'd gone on the YER
sailles system things might have been
different. But all this does not affect
the value of my time limit matrimo-
nial system. Having been a research
professor in hymenology, 1 know
whereof I speak. If we'd had that
system in my day it would have saved
q lot of trouble. 1t would have elimi-
mated divorce, which is one of the
greatest evils of life. since it turns
the world itself into a public laundry
for the washing of domestic linen. 1t
would enable impetuous young people
by a passing fancy to rectify their
mistakes before all chance Of hap
piness was lost. 1t would permit the
happily married to renew their con-
tract at stated intervals, make a man
the wooer Of his wife every five years.
start new honeymoons on the prim-
rose way, and"
"And in your time would have ma
terially reduced the mortality rate
among Queens of England" said Ra-
leigh. Strikes me as good idea.
What do you think. Socrates?"
"Me? II" said Socrates absently. as
If emerging from a dream. why
tit sounds pretty good to me too.
but before committing myself finally
I'd like to-er-fo consult Xanthippe
in the matter. I'd like to hear the
woman's view first"
so would l." said Napoleon. Sup
pose you ask her, Sock, and let US
know what she says"
"Ail right, 1 will.' said Socrates.
Evening star., 1918-06-02
AT THE H0USEB0AT ON THE STYX MmM
MATRIMoNY. ACRIMONY AND ALIMONY

7UNE was doing her best to make
the turgid waters Of the
~ sty1 beautiful and with consid-
cradle success. since it set sew
eral members of the Associated Shades
to singing. 1t was Brigham Young
who sounded the swan song:
Oh, what Il % rare as q day in Junef
When strephon and Chloe begin to spoon,
And the starr shine bright
In the silky night.
As they wink at the girl in the Moo hoon,
As they wink at the girl in the Moon.
Sang he.
'That'1l do. Brig" said Milton. nerv-
ously. You were the finest little
polygam that ever played the Polly
game. but as a poet you suffer from
the fiat foot"
Cant help 1t, Johan," chortled Brig
ham joyously. when June comes
along it fills my heart with bubbling
ecstacy that"
well, go downstairs and bubble to
your hearts content" said Milton. IF
a man must bubble. all right: but
there is no reason why he should ef-
fervesce like bottle Of ginger-pop all
over the rest Of u.s."
-
Moreover" said Carlyle. your
hypothesis is all wrong. There's plenty
of things in the world that are rarer
than a day In June. Your poetry. for
instance, Brother Brigham. Indeed,
it is not rare at all; 1t Is positively
raw"
"Tuttr" said Brigham Young. What
do you dried up old specimens
know about the June am thinking
Of? The June Of sweet sentiment:
the June Of love; the June Of the June
bride; the June"
"Of the June-bug," said Ben JON
son, Winking at Solomon, ''butting his
bony bean against the wall. with ne'er
4 dream Of consequential fa1l-a soar
ing goat, who has no brain no doubt,
for 1t he had he'd surely butt it out"
rs there a hose connected with this
deck?" asked Napoleon Bonaparte.
looking eagerly about him. IF there
is, pour iamour de Mike. let's turn 1t
on these poets before they set the
river on fire."
Nevertheless" said Socrates. CONF
ing to the rescue Of the sentimental
lists. June is worthy Of our respect
and admiration. It is the perfect
month. It combines the fair, sweet
freshness of the May with the moro
Evening star., 1918-06-02
Out of Place.

A N Army officer said at luncheon:
"a 'Only serious-minded girls arc
wanted for war work abroad. Friv-
olous, fiirtatious girls would be as
much out of place over there as-as-
well. it suggests a story.
"a Scotch minister arose in his pull
pit one Sunday evening and said in an
awful voice:
"Look ava in that corner. There's
a 1addie kissin' a lassie. When he's
finished I'll begin.'"
Evening star., 1918-06-02

enced administrator hke-ef-hke-
You or Solomon" put in Carlyle.
''well-yes." said Henry. You are
about half right. as usual. Tammas
Leaving Solomon out. you would be
wholly right. After my experience I
am confident that 1 know the true
system. and that is to>make marriage
a limited instead Of a permanent con-
tract. running not for life, but for q
period of five years."
Hear. hear" cried George the
Fourth.
"a course of procedure of that sort"
said Henry, would enable young peo-
pie who have mistaken a passing
thrill for permanent enthusiasm to
suitable trial period in which they
would have had a chance to turn
around two or three times, and find
out where they were really at"
Interesting proposition" said Soc
der to my mind than the spectacle OF
fiery young colt trying to trot in
double-harness with a kind, but plod-
ding old coach-horse."
"But-wouldn't a years contract be
better?" asked Don Juan.
ut would be for your wife," said
Henry. Fact is think Mrs. Juan
would have preferred thirty days. But
/ made the period OF five years not for
philanderers. but for the average hu-
man being. because it is neither too
short nor too long. and gives time for
sober reflection. 1t is pretty hard
sometimes to tide certain kinds of
bridegroom over a second summer.
and
Byron.
ALAS. do" said Henry, shaking his
head sadly. mo one better. Out of
the over-extension Of the heart the
mouth speaketh. George"
average, HEM" asked Petrarch
Five years. eight months and six
teen minutes per-" replied Henry. II
Evening star., 1918-06-02

men: SO were Mark Antony and Col.
Potiphar. and good old Brother Lot.
But the less Samson and Mark
made terrible mess of the ladifriend
chances in the matrimonial grab-bag.
and up to the hour OF going to press
he hadn't pulled q winner; and as
for Potiphar and Brother Lot
lawzee"
4
"Just leave me out Of this, Boney,"
said Potiphar. angrily.
Surely" said Napoleon: "thats what
I am doing. AS said, II it were not
that 1t would be considered personal
would mention these cases. but
inasmuch as they all unQuestionably
are personal, l shall not even allude
to them"
''You didn't bet on a very sure thing
yourself" growled Lot.
''Thatll do for you." retorted Napo-
leon, glaring at Lot. my matrimonial
affairs were none Of your business. 1
will lower myself far enough to say.
however, that neither OF my wives
was turned into a pillar Of SALT
NO." said Lot. but, II l have been
correctly informed. both of the ladies
were monuments Of pepper at times
jamin Franklin. kindly remember
that the subject is matrimony, not
acrimony."
Same thing-sometimes," sighed
Socrates, glancing at a portrait OF
xanthippe pasted in the cover Of his
pocket sun-dial.
"Yes. indeedy" said Napoleon. "And
that is one of the things I admire 30
much about that curious language
DR.. Johnson thinks he invented. Its
synonyms are not only synonymous,
but 30 startlingly cumulative in
their force. What finer progression in
torrential significance could we have
than in that tragic triIogy-matri-
mony. acrimony, alimony?"
'-The love Of money being, as usual.
at the root Of the whole bally evil,
drawled Beau Brummel.
Brummel having been dropped
Evening star., 1918-06-02

but before do I think I'll take out
an accident insurance policy. Kan
thippe has good many irons on the
fire and L"
"You mean irons in the fire. don't
you, Socrates?" suggested Doctor john
son. kindly.
mo, Sammy DEAR" replied Socrates.
with smile. 'I mean on the fire just
as i said. The irons / refer to are
fiat-irons and-well-"
Never mind, old man." said Mac.
beth. I'VE understand"
Copyright. 1918. BY Mcclure syndicate.)
Evening star., 1918-06-02

mature glories Of the summertide. I
don't wonder people get married In
June. l would myself II were not old
enough to know better. April for
the fulfillment Of the highest aspira-
tions of the human heart June and
marriage are properly correlated. since
June is the period that weds spring
to summer; SO let these poets enthuse
If they want to, say T..
II don't mind the enthusing OF
real poet at any time," said Napoleon.
What I object to is the enthusions
we get from vOcalizers, who ought to
be laying bricks instead Of throwing
fits."
You forget what Emerson said-I
think it was Emerson" said Socrates:
"Give me the boy who whistles at his
work."
Emerson can have him." retorted
Napoleon. with fervor. Il promise you
who WHISTLES at his work I'll grab
Kim by the ears and send him to En-
erson by registered parcel post. and
srepaid. You might just as well ex-
Sress high admiration for a locomo-
tive that whistles at its work. or a
jnckass that heehaws at his. It's my
honest opinion that there are enough
unnecessary noises in the world al
ready, without encouraging boys to
waste their affiatus whistling during
cffice hours.
speaking Of getting married." said
Doctor johnson, lit is one Of the things
in which the world seems to me to
have progressed instead of degener-
ating. Fancy the old method Of the cave
man, who wooed his intended with a
club. sneaking out Of his cave in the
dead of night, knocking the lady
senseless with a bludgeon, and then.
after assassinating every member of
her family. running of with his prey"
II don't fancy it at ALL" said Pc
trarch strikes me as rawther rough
stuff"
Sporty proposition, though" said
Samson. his eyes aglitter at the
thought. "And II must have saved q
Int OF trouble in the end. When you
Evening star., 1918-06-02

"An Of which goes to show why
know SO much better than all the rest
Of you what should be done. I have
served all sorts of matrimonial terms.
long and short. twenty-five years
with Catherine Of Arragon; three with
Anne Boleyn: eighteen months with
Jane Seymour: six months with Anne
Evening star., 1918-06-02

acquired the matrimonial habit in
1909, and swore of in 1543, though I
must confess that for the last fifteen
years Of my life the matrimonial mar
ket was trif1e hectic"
II should say 1t was" said Crom-
well. "As I recall matters you made
five notches in your matrimonial stick
in ten years."
'He had two in one year." said Wal
ter Raleigh. 'I remember my father
saying that one Of the things that
contributed to the high cost OF living
was having to buy wedding presents
for the king every three or four
months"
Evening star., 1918-06-02

Sporty proposition. though" said
Samson. his eyes aglitter at the
thought "And II must have saved q
lpt Of trouble in the end. When you
Evening star., 1918-06-02

administrator
The Wheeling intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1903-1961, 1918-01-23

Flora. Bella" with tts cast or forty
psople from tho Casino theatre, Ne"
York, with record OF six months TO Its
credit, will come 10 The Court for two
performances today.
Tho producer has made careful NC
lection OF tho members Of tho company
both as to principals and chorus, There
IL a we'll laid plot and Il plausible story
1T is that nf tho dauRhtHr or gay put
impocunious Russian nohltmnnr who
sings under an assumed name mt the nnrh
~ The Guidrn Calf In i'otrngrad TO pay
her dad out ur debt, Later Whnn Hhh
weds a prince from the country and gnen
10 live IN his nstatr, Sh- becomes the
most dGmuru, dlgnirind nerson ons could
Imagine, in her effort Ia conceal her
mast from him. li- thinks she nev-T
has Thought for gaisties "f life, aud
likewise shs thinks lhh 6aInu az him,
Nu goes Ia Petrngrad and She slips
away AMI In please an old entertainer
who is down and out, consents In he
como "f'lnra Reila" for Il night, or
course the husband comes III tie cafe
End falls in love with tho singer, who
tells MIN she - his wifr's sister, But!
She puts him 10 test md makes MIN
soc that after all he is really III lnv"
with his " ifs.
The Wheeling intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1903-1961, 1918-01-23
$50 Long Lefty" Seat Sale
Will Start Tomorrow

Oliver Mrrosc" will again inVad"
Wheeling this limo bringing his most
successful musical rnmrdyr "Ea ions;
I.rlty.r which lie Will present nj the
Court for two performances nrSI hnls
urihi
SO I.nur !.sity'' Is Different; frutn Tia"
ma inrit-y IF musical plays, innsm"ch as
;licr, x a pilot. The story IL taken from
Elmer itarrlS Larcn. Your NutRhhor'h
Wifi" tbs adaptation lminE mad" ny
alr. Murusru aud the original anilIHr
and deals with iwu r"urlc" who rGS'Ir
in In. lrnllt.y -Gar-cnl"Hy IN the he;ich
of San t'ramGiScu bay: TIL" male
,nrrahcrs If lllu family: RnhhIns and
Miller iccl that They would hf much
i,nnnie" if lhey pnssesStai zach others
wives and :;rrd: EcMenls ara mace Va
arcu,upl3sh this 10y weeks trial, which
j. rircurnrrni"d. lay lhG better haiFca
IN dealing WITH the arrangement and
finally winning ihrlr husbands hack a'a
as Lefty says. IT is had enough I"
have ia hirt with man ia win MN
The Wheeling intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1903-1961, 1918-01-23
Plank and Pratt Traded
To New York for Bunch
Of Five and Some Cash

ST. LOUIS. Mo. Jan. 22.-Eddle Plank
veteran pitcher. and DeITI1l Pratt. sec
ond baseman were traded 10 tho New
York Americans by the ST. Louis Aneri-
cans to-day for five players and cash.
The New York club CAV" in exchange
Pitchers Schockcr and Cullnp: Catcher
Nunamakcr. and Tnfieldors Maisel and
Gcd"on. \ cash cnnsidcratiun--th
al"uunt Of which is not stated. also was
given to the st. Louis club
Cleveland and Washington clubs have
been after Second Rascman Pratt. hui
III" deal by which he was traded WAS
fastened by his refusal to sign i 1918
contract until his suit for ALLEGED slan-
der against Prcs!Gen, Ball Of the ST
Louis Americans was settled
Manager Huggins. ot tho New York
Americans. assumed all responsibilities
for getting Pratt 10 SiSn New York
contract this year and for getting
Pitcher Plank 10 return to baseball.
Plank quit the game last season.
Business Manager Quinn. OF the st.
Louis Americans said two other import
ant trades may he made this week.
Nicholas Cullop played with the
Cleveland Americans In 1913 and during
that season went 10 the Kansas CITY
FcderalS. In 1914 his pitching in tho
last game against st Louis permitted
Chicago TO win the Federal League pen
nant. Kansas City won the game and
ST Louis lost the pcnnant by n fraction.
When the agreement between tho
Federal Leaguc and organized baseball
was made. Cullop went 10 the New YORK
Americans It ia understood that the
Ia tier team paid Harry Sinclair. oSlaho-
ma oil mngnatc. who held an option
$4,000 for Cullop.
The Wheeling intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1903-1961, 1918-01-23
SENIOR LEAGUE
Feature League Of The "Y" Dishands
And It Is Probable New League
WM DO Formed

The ~ senior league which has been
playing fer tho past five weeks but
which has not met on the last two
Thursdays due to tho Association team
playing outside teams, has dtshandtd
for the time heIng with the High links
the undisputed champions, This taam
has gone through the snort season with
out 4 defeat and headed by Captain
Bachman, who Is considered tho peer or
all local basketball stars for his weight.
nut up an unusual article Of the ropu-
lar floor game and no team in the
league could stop them. Several OF the
membefs have formed the nucleus or
the ny" team, which Is considered one
Of the best IN q long time.
According to tho movemeit on foot
now, II seems highly proba' that
Few league will he formed in imme-
date future and Coach Mi!lel lays ha
will endeaver to sea that IT, teams
are more evenly balsnced and that some
Of the green men Will be- given a chance
ia show their worth with some Of the
more experienced men
During the time in which this prepo-
sition Ia being considered all attention
will be turned to the "f" representative
team and the Aviation League,
The Wheeling intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1903-1961, 1918-01-23
wATsoN'S oRIENTALS

In offering tho BUY Wnts"n'S Bur
S.suunra commencing next Monday
n,nlIur. and night, Jan. ~ the Court
theatre presents nn attraction or novel;
ties and surprises. Leo Stevens, tho
man with the funny snccZr. or VOL
known rrpuic will he srrn md heard IN
the leading comedy rurls aurr"und"d ny
II east uf well known artists mat IN
rlurlr Doris claire. Dolly Clifford. Daisy
(imllmgh-r. Vida Enr"tn, Jean Schuler'
Ir- Mccoy, Ron Iurd and others.
Mr.. Watson has furnished an elahor-
rt~ prudurliru in costumes. scrnrry and
novelties, The Glscrrs Is exceptionally
we'll drilled and dn most intricate dhhceu
and nannruvtrH,
Thren b!lri1ltns nr1 the offerings, NIL
new, wriltuu End pr"Iucrd hy tit1 had
ing c,rin-dsu Leo Stevens, SrhtS IN
tlI sale Friday morning, ltrllrr Hrl
them eHrly ami avoid tho rush at the
hek Office Monday morning,
The Wheeling intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1903-1961, 1918-01-23
GAME is OFF
Local "Y- Team viii Not 60 to Wells
burg as Contest Could Not BIO
Arranged For Present

Fans will learn with regret that: tho
local ~" team will not journey to
Wellsburg Thursday to meet the last
tossers of that city. The game was
considered To DO one OF the hardest on
the local schedule and the members OF
the team feel az though they could
have come out victorious.
Last year these teams met and tho
locals we're defeated by close score
at Wellsburg but later trounced lho
Brooke countianS on tho home floor.
However. negotiations are still pending
for u game in the future which seems
favorable.
Coach Miller stated last evening that
It will not be definitely known whether
the Locals will 50 to New kensington
for a day or two but expressed himself
US feeling sure the team will play them
as New kensington wrote the local
management and several phases OF the
contract are being considered that has
caused the delay.
The locals will, however, keep IN
trim should the game be arranged as
they know they will have their hands
full IN dispensing Of such a team on
,heir home nonr.
The Wheeling intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1903-1961, 1918-01-23
AVIATION LEAGUE
Junior League at az" Attracting No
Little Interest Among Members


This evening tho "T" Aviation league
will meet IN two good games, The
Dfrigibles wifi meat tho Adnnplanns and
tho Bip1anos will engage tho Triplancs
These contests have been drawing in
terest each time thoy arG played and
tho junior and intermediates members
of the association that participate in
the League have been taking cxtraordins
airy interest.
In tho suspension of the Senior Lea
sue, which has not played for several
weeks, and the fact that the Aviation
League meets twice Il week, the gaines
have been well attended hut not as
they should be for the article that il
played. Coach Miller, whn has charge
Of all basketball teams Of the ass"ri;t'
ttan, is very we'll pleased with the man
ner the youngsters handle themselves
ami has gone so far as 10 predict bright
future for few nf them.
The games will start this evening at
nm o'clock sharp and a fair crowd is
antLcipated