Trench and camp. ([Admiral, Md.) 1917-1919, 1918-05-30
BY JACOB X. SHELL, JR-,
Battery r., 312th Field ARtiAHer!

There's q business axiom, '1K you
can't boost don't knock" We've
heard plenty of good grafonola
records. but there's always chance Tor
Improvement. SO listen to this:
Gr-r-r- Gr-r-r-
Limitation Of record getting un-
der way.)
Da-da-da. De-de. Da-de..
Gust few preliminary notes and
then:)
"Weal, it's about time the big roar
from s12 F.. A. Is heard in these Dig
gins, so here goes with a new record.
OLD men and youngsters, just listen to
the notes and congiomeration and
you'll know there's somethin' dom
from revei1le to taps.
Battery F Of this here regiment al
ways You're right, always the
word-starts and Well, what
follows is the rest Of the outfit. It's
Just like barefoot boy of the Mark
Twain type lost in admiration wnen
gazing at the various antics OF the
star performer at recently arrived
circus-the clown.
"Circuses and Clowns
=, ValKln& ABOUT CiEcuSSS hnu SAVWAAS
you don't have tub go fur tub see
one when Battery F's playiA SOFT
ball Chief whip snapper McCully has
his performers in frenzy or personal
pride as to-their athletic ability, en-
deavOring to ride barebaeA on joe
Muldowney's mules. The muHes, sure
do act scandalous and Macks hostlers
certainly haveahellofatime staying on
the right side of the score. Innings
don't amount to rockies pay ahter
everything's been taken out. only
when darkness sets in or the Dali
looks like piece of machinists
waste does the battle stop raging:
Then all is serene and quiet. around
Apple Tree Orchard until the MacKs
ana Mules go at 1t again.
Of gettin' Q fair decision in this here
bali game as soldier-why, refer to
war when you're hayin' fun. DICK
Coffee Ii some arbiter-heH never
get to The Hague. He'll cali strike
when you think the balls an aero
plane over your head--there goes the
war again. Don't worry. were not
thinkiR of it when were Wrttttn'
this stun. Coffee thinks he's takin'
the last part of his buck-and-wing
course when he turns around ana
iron crosses either the Macks or the
Mules by callin' ball ION q pretty
out curve. Sure you can get curve
on the ball which looks like ball
loon. IL you've got paw the size OF
"Anyway, 'ieavin. Coffee OF easy.
i1s just q question how lucky you
are. no matter IL it's Ham Back
Hayes Eek double blade Lounge or
q multitude Of other dyed-in-the-
alfalfa sinners who perpentrate their
ideas as how ball game should be
bumpired.
Continues to Horrible Finale.
..Bein' as we're well advanced into
the realm of this maelstrom, which
resembles the national pastime about
as much as the comforts In bar,
racks here in this camp and q watef-
soaked dugout. let's continue to Its
MACK sure does 60 fine the fnst six
innings-we mean sixty minutes.
He'd make this here Perry which
slabs 'em up for our own Connie look
like a rookie from up in the weed
c cOr1es THAT'S il s 9ou ca can see ,hem
we can't. Then the sore arm starts
and the Holsters have oh, a wonder
full time, holdin' the Mules back. Sore
arms is. no respector Of persons. be-
cause Mack's not the only one who
develops a charlie horse in his finger.
You'd think the canteen was drug
store the way these here ali-star pill
pushers travel to the counter for
phial OF rubin stun.
Couple" McHugh sure is some speedy
on the lines an tossin' the pellet.
But you can't expect cypid-sure
he's like an observation ballo0n-to
be second Ty Cobb. You know what
we mean.
''Then there's Bill Menah. the great
est gardener ever born. The top
league magnates will be looking him
up If he ever comes back from di-
rectin' six-inch field piece. All he
needs is a rake to pull in the ball
when be tries to get it. Then. again.
his legS%help him some considerable.
"Joe OiConnell is some pippin' as a
finger, especially with, men on the
bags. Sure we're regular soaked in
the sawdust sacks. If balks counted
Mack's hostlers would need q compto-
meter to keep tally of the ham bones
gathered on the home platter. But
Joe gets by and everything goes In
this here battle.
There's Controller, Hoppe. rubber
guard for the Macks. He's got won
derful whip to the keystone station
and the first white corner when his
arm doesn't feel like . piecelof jerked
beef.
1--WE could continue to an inglorious
end recounting and accounting for
the activities which parmeate the
two new balls have been given a
I spring tr0yout. and are we'll on the
way TO l0olktns like the remains Of an
efflgy OF q professor at , college Gre
nation. A continuous battle RACES
over the od-sprinkled waste OF
Apple Tree Orchard land.
The gang VIII never again make
q chorus Of German maids envious
when they endeavOr to break out into
harmony on an Easter morn in Rer.