davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Perth Amboy evening news., 1918-11-18
Famous Women

DOAOtay OI.
Mrs. Elizabeth Merriwether Gilmer.
who is known as Dorothy Dix from
n end of the country to the other,
VIII celebrate her f~orty-eighth birth
day today, having been born in Mont
gomery county. Tenn, on Nov. Is,
1870. When she was eighteen she
married George o. Gilmer Of Ciarks-
Vile, Tenn. h began newspaper
work on the New Orleans Picayuns
and eventually became the editor OF
the woman's page of hat paper, and
1t was at this time that she assumed
the name of Dorothy Dix. In 1900 she
invaded New York and became one OF
the stars of the sob sister" squad.
Later, however, she took up the light
er vein of Journalism and became the
creator OF sis Mirandy' and ISIS
Marthy," which gained fame for her
throughout the length and breadth
of the land.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1918-11-18

Luke McLuke Says.
Funny how q man isn't ashamed to
' be caught in a raid on a 1aif on sun
day the way he would be ashamed II
he vas caught attending a Prohibition
meeting.
Don't worry IL your conduct Isn't
perfect. If it is a little better thar II
has been you are doing well.
What has become of the old-rash-
Toned shark who could make a living
playing pool?
/ A mar may wink at Dame Fortune
when he meets her. But he never
winks at Misfortune when he meets
her.
We know q whole lot of Sovereign
Citizens and whoopersup for Personal
Liberty who have to sit out in the
back yard when they want to chew
tobacco because their wives won't let
them have a spittoon in the house.
After you rubber around for a while
you will notice hat the pretty girls
get all the Compliments and the
homely girls get all the Husbands.
If every married woman had her
way the average dwelling house would
consist of eight rooms and eighty clos
cts.
Every time you start to abuse a
man you hate the betting is 10000 to
1 that you won't stick to the truth.
Before he is married a man real
lies that 1t is impossible to please
everybody. And after he gets married
he realizes that 1t is impossible to
please anybody.
Keep your nose clean and don't let
the knockers worry you. Remember
no matter how respectable you
may be they are gonig to lie about you
anyway.
A man doesn't marry a girl because
he thinks he will be happy with her.
He selects her because he thinks he
won't be happy without her.
The poor like to believe that the
rich are stlngy, and the rich like to
believe that the poor are spendthrifta
So 1t Is about an even break.
Well admit that husbands are
|ornery. But the truth Of the matter
is hat they are usually as mean as
their wives have made them.
Any girl who has a steady beau can
tell you that IL the men had sense
enough to wear their coat buttons
down the back. a girl could ave a
whole lot of hair.
When o are a winner they will
pat you on the back. But when you
are a loser they will kick you a little
lower.
After you hear the same Silvery-
Tongued Orator for the third time he
begins to sound brassy.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1918-11-18
Daily Horoscope
Tuesday, November 10, 1871,
Copyright. 1918, by the McClu
NewsDaper S~yndicatel

Newspaper Syndicate)
This is not a lucky day. according
to astrology. Neptune rules strongly
for good, however, Mercury is strong
ly adverse.
1t Is not a favorable time for en-
tering into any sort of an agreement
whether a public contract or a priv
ate lease.
The sign is most unfortunate for
diplomatic negotiations, as treachery
is strongly indicated.
The planetary rule indicates that
danger lies in double dealing on the
part of some foreign power and the
enemy Is to be suspected of some
thing more cunning and t~raitoroui
Perth Amboy evening news., 1918-11-18
Our Joe Miller Contest.

Peter ]. Mccarthy claims that the
Oldest joke is the n about the man
who had a carrier pigeon he Dragged
was the best In the world and would
come home to him from n place in
the country. A man bet the owner of
the pigeon hat the bird would not re-
turn II he took the bird to New York.
The bet was made and the man took
the carrier pigeon to New York Here
he clipped the pigeons wings so 1T
couldn't fly, and hen turned II loose.
About two weeks later he wrote a let
ter to the owner OF the pigeon and
asked II the bird had come homo. He
received this reply from the owner:
Yes. the bird Is home. But II has
blisters all over its feet"
Names Is NameSL
Orange Brown lives IN calaras, La.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1918-11-18
October.

October is so called from being the
eighth In the year. according to the
old Latin calendar. 1t was styled wine
month" by u Saxon ancestors. The
festival Of the Rosary is celebrated
Oct. / In honor Of the Virgin. who Il
especially invoked In the devotions for
success, believed to have been obtain
ed through her ~intercession In the bat
tie of Lepanto, in 1871. when the Turks
were defeated.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1918-11-18

Novembers hers. with landscass drea,: and nv ms $ = .SPrepare.
the human gzard; they seem to 5 "a a they wn1 =; - aespair.
prepare for winters BLIZZARD" The trees t ~ s Ias r bleak and
often leak a lot Of cheap denatgred water, c.,x I nsn ash his checks
and join the wrecks in times world famous hS n ssm o nnEer for a
second; they ome and grin. and they're All IN u Dei IN view. a year
that's bold and bnthe and clever: 81 full of pep ms ~ ne
you'd think that he would last forever. But wmte Svu scS. Ma
shrinks gadzooki The bloom is from his cheek nepareh ear
shanks grow lean. and he Is seen a ganer bent roken-he
ed; Novembers here. the fields II sere, the flowers o1 = = SO
safely ported; the birds III gone from hedge and lawn, ne
sons flies have all been swated. The Teuts are whipped; ne
badly hipped by too much kultur. too much haungs hANU
Day. not far away looms u D a $ something worth awaiting.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1918-11-18
Cheer Upi

Ohio's dry
But we are lucky,
For we can move
To old Kentucky,
And IL Kentucky
Dry should go,
Well have to move
To Mexico.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1918-11-18
Fire Alarm Boxes

zs-Raritan Copper Works
f4-Market and Sheridan StreetA
25-Smith Street and Central r.. r
26-Market and First Streets.
27-Madfson Ave. and Paterson il
2S-High and Lewis StreetA
S6-Smith and High Streets.
36-NeW brunswick Ave. and New st.
37-Smith and State Streets.
4f-Atlantic Terra Gotta Works.
43EBuckingham Ave n Hartford 81
4b-Ccmmerce and Front Streets.
46-State and Washington SITS.
47-High and Washington Streetal
54-State st. and Buckingham Ave-
s6-Parker ST. and Pulaski ave.
6s-Han W and Charles St
57-State IND Wayne StreetA
5s-Near United Lead WorkA
59NMaurer.
s2EWashIngton and First Streets.
6S-Naw Brunswick v and Elm st
04-Smith Street and Watson Ave.
6S-Commerce and State Streets
72-Front and Smith Streets.
73-Water and Gordon StreetA
74-Kearny Ave. and Gordon Street.
Sl-Brace and anson AvenueA
82-Smith n Herber Streets.
Ss-Amboy Ave n Washington st.
e4-Lehigh v and Stanford Street
S5-Near City Hospital
Se-cleYe1and and Brace Avenues
e7-lmboy n Hkl1 AvenueR
S2=Amboy Ave. and Ins1ee Stree
e36Awrence and Frenc11 SfreetnI
s1=NeviIIe and Iohnstone strsefA
Perth Amboy evening news., 1918-11-18
Business Is>Bus.ness.

A merchant in a little Oklahoma
town doe business with an ilhterate
farm roman who comes to town once
month and trades twenty pounds Of
butter for twenty pounds of sugar.
h Is too ignorant to know the price
of butter. but she is mart enough
to know other things. The butter she
brings him comes in the form of a big
roll. and inside the roll Of butter the
woman always hides a stone weighing
three pounds. Every time she brings
the butter the merchant cuts open
the roll AMI takes out the stone and
puts 1t in the sack of sugar before he
weighs It. Thus. the woman gets IT
pounds of butter and imagines she Is
cheating the merchant. The stone
comes back In the roll of butter every
month and the merchant sends it
back as regularly aer 1 a.lc.lcg ]
back just as regularly in the sack of
sugar.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1918-11-18
HUH

"Who is that poor fellow with the
guards watching him ?" asked the Wis.,
itor to the Penitentiary.
"Oh. he's a desperate criminal" re-
piled the Warden. HE Is doing twenty
years. He wrecked q train"
And yho is that trusty who seems
to i've so many privileges?" asked
the Visitor.
"Oh, he's a financier," replied the
Warden. Fl is doing two years. He
wrecked a railroad"
Perth Amboy evening news., 1918-11-18

Optimistic Thought.
The bravest Of men have the least
Of brutal, bullying insolence.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1918-11-18
Them F1u Cures.

Them F7u Cures.
Another reason why we are glad the
influenza epidemic is over is because
we hate to pick up a newspaper and
find 1t filled with these kind of ads:
Pink Pills Cure Flu"
Our Lover Pads VIII Cure the
Flu"
Apply Browns Bunion Salvo to
the Throat and Cure the Flu"
use Cracks Corn Plasters on Your
Tonsils and Avoid the Flu"
Wear Our Rubber Heels and Cure
the Flu"
"Funk's Furniture Polish VIII Cure
the Flu. Avoid Cheap Varnishes."
"Villainous Varnish Will Cure the
Flu Avoid Cheap Furniture Pol
ishes."
Dudes Dandruff Dope Will Cure
the Flu"
Use Smooth Soap. 1t Cures the
Flu"
Eat Porkless Brand Ham. 1t Cures
the Flu"
Wear Our Unwashable Socks.
They Cure the Flu"
Etc Etc
Perth Amboy evening news., 1918-11-18
Bits of By-Pldy
BY LUKE McLUKE
Copyright, 1918. the Cincinnati
Enquirer

The Optimistic Automoblltst.
Jim Marqua wears a cheerful grin,
He simply sits and smiles;
Though he has had six blow-outs in
The las half dozen miles.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1918-11-18
Our Daily Special
Luke McLuke Says.

When A. Borrower Side Steps Peter
He Is On the Toes of Paul.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1918-11-18
Poor Boob.

When Cain killed Abel, seems to me,
That Cain was very dense;
For we know very we'll that he
Did not claim self defense.
Luke McLuke.
Oh, do not criticise poor Cain.
Nor hold him up to scorn;
He no example could obtain,
Wilhelm had not been born.
Newark Advocate.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1918-11-18

"A painful operation was
Performed on me-" said Mr.. Blaws,
For I called on old DR.. Land.
And he took five bones from my
hand"
Perth Amboy evening news., 1918-11-18
Obi

"I wonder what happens when a
woman boils over with RACER" saio
the Boob.
why, she sheds scalding tears, I
suppose" replied the Wise Guy.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1918-11-18

We Ike to meet
Old Mr.. Dorey;
He never has
A hard-luck story.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1918-11-18

Can't you give something more Just 10 SHOW II boys IL . te
home fires arc still burn ngP
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1918-07-19
LITTLE MAIDEN HAD 1T RIGHT
Probably Best Definition of Wife" but
One Will Wonder How She
Got to Know It.

The pretty scho0lteaeher had asked
her class for the best original definition
of wife" and the boy in the corner
promptly responded. a rib -
She looked at him reproachfully and
nodded to the boy with dreamy eyes
who seemed anxious To say something
Mans guiding star and guardian
angel p he said, in response to the nod
"A helpmeet !" put in little fiaxen
haired girl.
zone who soothes man in adversely,
suggested demure little girl.
and spends his money when he's
flush, added the incorrigible boy in the
corner.
There was lull, and the pretty
dark haired girl said slowly, "A wife is
the envy of spinsters.e
zone who makes man hustle" was
the next suggestion.
And keeps him from making a fool
of himself" put in another girl.
Some one for a man to find fault
with when things go wrong said a
sorrowful little maiden.
stop there" said the scholteacher
that's the best definition. Pitts
burgh Chronicle Telegraph.
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1918-07-19
Nora Will Know Better Now.

'Why, Nora. I am surprised" ex-
claimed the head of the house as the
cook came rushing into the parlor while
he and the missus We're entertaining
company. 1T is Very unseemly Of you
to rush into the parlor in this manner,
1t shows lack of proper training, TO
say the least. Now you should have
knocked at the door and asked my per-
mission to speak. Let us see if you
can't do better Walk out into the
other room and approach as I have
told you."
Nora walked away and then went
through the ceremony of knocking.
''That is better, Nora. much better.
Now what was it you wished to tell
me-"
''Oh, sor. It's mighty sorry I am to
disturb We, but thought ye'd like to
know that the house is on fire."
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1918-07-19
ENDED SHOW FOR THAT MIGHT
When They Heard the Ringing of
Police Patrol Gong

Two little colored bards from News
alley We're giving a concert n In carte
before Washington hotel. The
crowd which gathered was larger than
any that ever regarded soapbox ora
tor. The boys sang, the dimes flew,
they paused, ana sang and danced some
more. The two Kids woye in witty
lines as they went. and reilly made
the thing "A vaudeville act. But finally
they decided it was about time for an
intermission.
Were goin' away" announced the
larger, who was perhaps eight years
old
"Aw, don't do that" admonished the
crowd.
You didn't treat Us right; that's
ALL"
Dimes flew again. The boys started
to sing They saw that their audience
was growing to a capacity crowd. But
they started up on the last tune.
Somewhere out on the East side
some one had had an argument, or
else an automobile had tipped over,
for an ambulance was hurrying back
to the city hospital, changing its bell
The performers heard it. Up looked
the youngest.
I'm, police" he yelled 10 his little
partner. and the two Of them seurried
as quick as lightning down the nearest
alley. The crowd went on to its mo
vies.-Indianapolis News.
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1918-07-19
ALWAYS Downward.

The late James Gordon Bennett. dur
ing his last winter sojourn on the Ri
vlera, halted his automobile TO talk
to an American journalist.
Il think the journalist said, that
I'll give mp journalism and Join one
of the Y. NJ. G. A. sqnadrons"
Don't do it." said Mr.. Bennett
"Stick to journalism. You'll do bet
ter work writing against The Boches
than preaching or psalm singing
against them II You were young
enough to fight, I'll speak differently
of course
Every man" Mr. Bennett ended,
should stick steadily 10 his trade. re
memberng that "a rolling stone not
only gathers no moss, but it also goes
down hill"
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1918-07-19

have been a standard household remedy.
They are the pure, original imported Haar-
lem OH your great grandmother used, and
are perfectly harmless. The healing, sooth-
ing oil soaks into the cells and lining Of
the kidneys and through the bladder, driv-
ing out the poisonous germs. New life.
fresh strength and health will come as you
continue the treatment. When complete
y restored to your usual vigor, continue
taking capsule or two each day; they viii
keep you IN condition and prevent a re-
turn of the disease
Do not delay minute. Delays are es-
peeially dangerous in kidney and bladder
trouble. All druggists sell GOLD MEDAL
HARLEM OIL Capsules. They viii refund
the money If not as represented. GOLD
MEDAL Harlem Oil Capsules are inn
ported direct from the laboratories in Hol-
land. They are prepared in correct guam
titv and convenient form. are easy to take
and are positively guaranteed to give
prompt relief In three sizes, sealed pack
ages Ask for the original imported
GOLD MEDAL. Accept no substitutes
Adv.
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1918-07-19
Trust Me! Try Dodson's Liver Tone!
CaIomeI Harms Liver and Bowels
Read my guarantee! Liven your liver and bowels
and get Strengthened up without taking scken-
ing caiomel. Don't lose days work.

There's no reason why a person
should take sickening. saliyating Gallo
mel when few cents buys Il large
bottle of Dodsons Liver Tone-a per-
feet substitute for ealemel.
1t is a pleasant. vegetable liquid
which VIII start your liver just as
surely rs calomel. but II doesn't make
you sick and can not saliyate.
Children and grown folks can take
Dodson's Liver Tone, because it is
perfectly harmless.
Calomel j. dangerous drug. 1t is
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1918-07-19
SAFE, GENTLE REMEDY
CLEANSES YOUR KIDNEYS

For centuries GOLD MEDAL Harlem
Oil has been standard household remedy
for kidney. liver, bladder and stomach
trouble, and all diseases connected with
the urinary organs. The kidneys and blad
der are the most important organs of the
body. They are the filters, the purifiers Of
your blood If the polsons which enter
your system through the blood and stom-
ach are not entirely thrown out by the
kidneys and bladder, you are doomed.
WEAKNESS, sleeplessness. nervousness,
dependency, backache, stomach trouble
headache. pain in loins and lower abdo-
men, gall stones. gravel, difficulty when
urinating. cloudy and bloody urine, rheu
matism, sciatica and lumbago. all warn you
to look after your kidneys and bladder.
All these indicate some weakness of the
kidneys or other organs or that the enemy
microbes which are always present in your
system have attacked your weak spots.
GOLD MEDAL Harlem Oil Capsules are
what you need.
They are not patent medicine" nor
new discovery. For 200 years they
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1918-07-19
His Desires.

This CONVEX sation was overheard in
front of the tent at Market and Penn
syNania streets, where number of
men and women We're selling War Saw
ings stamps. A crowd was standing
around the Enclosure labeled THE
Kaser's Bier
"Who wants to put nail into the
kaiser's hicr?n yelled the patriotic and
enthusiastic salesman of the w. S. s.
I'll buy all you've got if you'll let me
put arsenic into his beer instead" an
swered "A witty man in the crowd
indianapolis News.
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1918-07-19
GIRLS! USE LEMONS
FOR SUNBURN, TAN
Try Il! Make this lemon lotion
to whIten your tanned or
freckIed skin.

Squeeze the juice of two lemons in
to bottle containing three ounces of
Orchard White, shake well, and you
have quarter pint of the best freckle,
sunburn and tan lotion, and complex
ion whitener, at very, very small cost.
Your grocer has the lemons and any
drug store or toilet counter will supply
three ounces of Orchard White for a
few cents. Massage this sweetly fra
grant lotion into the face, neck, arms
and hands and see how quickly the
freckles, sunburn, windburn and tan
disappear and how clear, soft and
white the skin becomes. Yes! 1t is
harmleSS.-Adv.
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1918-07-19
Not MiIitarized Yet.

I'VE were riding along wooded
road,' the major related. Il saw my
intelligence officer intently studying
the landscape. That pleased me. |
said 10 myself, Hes getting observant,
I'll make "A damn good soldier of him
yet. Then 1t occurred to me To check
up on the facts. SO I asked him what
he was thinking about.
Gle pointed up TO the festoons of
mistletoe that draped the road and
grinned.
".Golly, he sighed. if | only had
my little Mary here in an old-fash-
toned country buggy.
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1918-07-19
Cold Drinks Bad
for Your Stomach
How to Avoid the Digestive Miseries
That Hot Weather Brings

Cold drinks in hot weather are bad
enough for any stomach but doublyso,
in fact, dangerous-when the stomach
is out of fix and you suffer from indi-
gestion, acidity, food-repeating, heart
burn, sour stomach, and that awful
puffed-up, bloated condition after eat
ing. In fact, all stomach and bowel
miserieo are greatly aggravated in hot
weather. You can't be too careful.
Sunstroke can be traced in many cases
to poor digestion. Everyone should
watch their stomach in hot weather.
Keep it sweet and cool. Here is an
easy and pleasant way to correct stom-
ach ills. A compound has been dis
covered which surely takes up the
harmfuliuicesa and gases from thestom-
mach, leaving it sweet, clean, cool and
comfortable. You won't know you
have a stomach il you take one or two
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1918-07-19
Humorist's Method.

a man dining at Il West-end restau
rant found himself seated next to a
well-known newspaper humorist with
whom he got into conversation.
After complimenting him on his
work, he asked him: "How on earth
do YOU write twenty jokes day?'
with a typewriter" the newspaper
man answered with smile.
rs that sou said the other; 81
thought you used some copying proc
eSS london Tit-Bits.
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1918-07-19

Every mother realizes, after giving
her children California Syrup of
Figs" that this is their ideal laxative,
because they love its pleasant taste
and it thoroughly cleanses the tender
little stomach, liver and bowels with
out gripping.
When cross, irritable, feverish, or
breath is bad, stomach sour, look at
the tongue, Mother! If coated, give
a teaspoonful of this harmless fruit
laxative" and in a few hours all the
foul. constipated waste, sour bile and
undigested food passes out of the bow
els, and you have a well, playful child
again. When the little system is full of
cold, throat sore, has stomach-aehe, d.
arrhea, Indigestion, colic-remember.
a good INSIDE cleansing" should al
ways be the first treatment given.
Millions of mothers keep California
Syrup of Figs" handy; they know a
teaspoonful today saves a sick child
tomorrow. Ask your druggist for a
bottle of California Syrup of Figs"
which has directions for babies, chill
dren of all ages and grown-ups printed
on the bottle. Beware of counterfeits
sold here, so don't be fooled. Get the
genuine. made by California Fig
Syrup Company."-Adv.
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1918-07-19

mercury and attacks your bones. Take
dose of nasty calomel today and YOU
will feel weak sick and nauseated to-
morrow. Don't lose a days work.
Take spoonful Of Dodson's Liver
Tone instead and you will wake up
feeling great No more biliousness,
constipation, sluggishness, headache,
coated tongue or sour stomach. Your
druggist says If you don't find Dod-
sons Liver Tone acts better than hor-
rihle calomel your money is waiting
for y0u.-Ady.
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1918-07-19

EATONIC tablets after your meal. SO
light and pain-free you will feel.
There is not harmful thing in
EATONIC tablets. They taste finel
Just like eating candy. Druggists will
tell you that EATONIC users say they
never dreamed anything could give
such quick and wonderful results; you
can insure yourself good, cool, sweet
stomach, you can eat what you like,
and always have the appetite to eat it.
EAT0NIC is absolutely guaranteed.
Get a box from your druggist today.
Use it TO get rid OF and prevent the
stomach and bowel troubles that are
bound to come in hot weather. If
EATONIC fails, return to your drug
gist and get your fifty cents back. If
you cannot obtain EATONIC where
you live drop card to Eatonic Remedy
Co., Chicago, III. They viii mail you
O box at once.
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1918-07-19
What Happens,

"Would you say that once newspa-
per man always a newspaper mann"
Not exactly. But l would say that
I've noticed that if ever a man has
once worked for couple of weeks for
a newspaper, he never gets over tell
Ing about the time he did reportorial
work himself. indianapolis Star.
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1918-07-19
Dead Called on to Buy Bonds.

During war loan campaign in a
London suburb an airplane dropped
1000 leaflets calling for subscriptions.
Almost the entire 5000 fell into the
village cemetery. where they covered
the graves and shrubbery like snow
flakes. Visitors to the cemetery who
picked up the little sheets found them
inscribed in large letters: Wake Up
and Buy War Bonds.
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1918-07-19
important to Mothers
The AopefuI=Lawyer.

"Your honor, ask for a postpone
ment."
You have had too many postpone
ments already" retorted the judge. ''Fll
give you just fifteen minutes more and
that's all"
well. thanks for that, your honor.
Something may happen. One of the
witnesses against me might possibly be
taken ILL., "-Louisville Courier-Journal.