The Pleasantville press. (Pleasantville, N.J.) 1912-1929, 1918-10-12
TO PARENTS
From RING w. LARDNER.
Home, Sept. "a, 1918.
LADIES AND GENTS:

they's a few of you that never even
heard of my son John, and l could
fill a seed catalogue with the funny
ones he has pulled like 1 day he
said Daddy Che calls me daddy on
acct. of l being his daddy theys
a bee in Niles, Michigan, that lays
currant jelly" But l suppose you
don't think that's as funny as some
of the ones your John has pulled, so
they's no use repeating a whole lot
more of them. But any way we
named him John on acct. of my name
inciteing people to make up puhs
about it and many's the time have
pretty near strangled to death trying
to laugh at the gags people pulled
about my name and they probably
didn't figure that 1 had heard them
all as often as the one about the "a
lieut.. or somebody that made the pri-
vate salute him a 100 times or some
thing and etc.
But any way John is 6 yrs. old and
you wouldn't eve believe 1t to look
at him on acct. of being so big and
smart and you would guess him at Z
or something and in that respects he
takes after his father because they's
lots of people that just met me and
they are trying to make up conyersa-
lions or something and they generally
always ask me if I felt nervous at
Chickamauga, where as the facts Is
that when Goodbye Dolly Gray come
out l was still singing soprano yet.
Well, on acct. of the merchants try
ing to start up a correspondence with
with me the 1 of every mo-, l half
to work and 1 can't do it home be-
cause they's so many places to lay
down, so l leave home about once per
day and come back pretty near as
often, and when l open up he front
door or however I come into the
house, John ONE running to meet
me and for a vile I figured it was
on acct. of he being crazy about me,
but l finally realized that he didn't
never offer no caresses or honey
words, but all as he yer said was
daddy what did you bring me?'
Well, when l didn't have nothing for
him his face would fall and some
body would half to pick it up but I
couldn't bring him something every
time I come home because even if 1t
wasn't only a transfer the wear and
tear of remembering 1t every night
was bound to get a man in time and
If I offered him the evening paper 1t
meant l would half to turn to the
comical pictures and explain them all
out and without knocking no cartoon
lists, the man that tries to explain
some of them to a 6 yr. old has got
a bigger job of explaining on their
hands than the poor bird that has to
write the official German communi-
Gates.
Well, they wasn't nothing that
would do for a every day diet you
might say, so finely I kind of estab-
something pretty nice once in a while
and then telling him to expect nothing
more for a long time and that work
ed pretty good, only the something
nice was generally always Simon poor
wreckage after a few days treatment,
1t read to him every evening till he
got another and it didn't seem to make
no difference to him how often you
read him the same story over and
over again, but it did make a differ
ence to the dear reader and many's
fhn fip1n upiChn6 thic hnrn Tbaro+oo
Burgess was a truck driver or some
thing.
Well, along this summer I left the
house l morning like usual and when
l and John parted he says Daddy
you haven't broughten me anything
for a long time and you have got to
bring me something nice today" So
l said "All right" and then l went
down town and got a haircut and af-
forwards l couldn't remember nothing
only a few extracts from the BARRIERS
monologue so / forgot all about John
but I happened to be looking through
my desk for the typewriter and [
come acrost a card that had layed
there since May and it said on it that
] could present the card at the bank
and get a 500 Liberty Bond for it,
because here is how 1t happened.
This day in May it seems like l had
just got paid and I was eating lunch
and l had $50 dollars in my close out
side of my pay envelope and while l
was eating a bird come 10 that 1
hadn't saw for a couple Of IS. and
the last time l seen him 7 was in a
doze and lent him $40, and any way
he come up and says here is that $50
and you could of knocked me over
with a coupling min, but any way
there / set with a 500 on me besides
some chickens feed and they was a
beautiful gal in the place that must
of suspected as much and LIST thing
l knew she was standing there by the
table asking me would l like to sub
scribe to a Liberty Bond. Well, if
that gal asked you to subscribe for
the palsy they wasn't no way of saw
ing no, so | says yes and she says