davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington herald., 1918-12-15
Som" Are Flossy" and Some Just Ain't;
AndMebbe They Both Ain 't--forAwhile--
Leaue 1t to the Red Cross; Ask GeorgeAde
Everybody's Kin, at That
As Is Proved by the
Fable Of the Four Guys
Who Didn't Have Any
Use for Each Other a.
Tall, Until-But Read
Il!

Editors Note.-The American Red
Gross reprints the following fable in
booklet form to aid the Christmas Roll
Call through the courtesy of the Co.'S
mopolitan Magazine. 1t is appearing
in the current number January, 1879
OF hat publication)
lCopyrizht. 1915. By International Magazine
Company
tnIustations BY John T. McCutrheonO
Once the Nicest Girl in the World
gave a Garden Party and Those Pres
ent were all Hes and there were only
four Of them and they never had sent
up many Pockets IN the Towns they
came from, but the Girl made just as
much Fuss over them as II they had
been Douglas Fairbanks and King Al
bert OF Belgium and William G. Nc
Adoo and Tyrlis Cobb.
Now. in regard to this Girl, Yes and
No.
She did not happen to be one of
those self-starting F'lappers with lem
on-colored Shoes, a Skirt modestly
concealing the upper half Of the Knee
Caps. and plenty of Ventilation at the
Neck so as to show the Wish-Bone.
In fact. after the Twice-Oveg. it was
evident that she combined the Smil-
Ink IOunLendnCe anu Int ftSOlult nsS z
and the abounding Vigor of Youth
with the matronly Calm of well-poised
Womanhood.
It isn't every week that you come
face to face with One who has all the
Selected Charms of a Hudson River
Debutante and also the serene Dignity
OF an Empress.
What saved this one. first Of all. was
that she seemed to be 100 per cent
Woman.
&, A certain Admiration is directed
toward the Lady who is 20 per cent
Female. 30 per cent Talking Machine,
20 per cent Chief of Police, Is per cent
Politician. 10 per cent Pugilist and >
per cent Hairpins. but there are Times
when evensa long-baired Man with
White Tie likes to feast his Eyes on
a Specimen entirely of the Opposite
Gender.
The Hostess on the day Of the Gar
den Party was the Kind that every
The Washington herald., 1918-12-15
By GEORGE ADE

of TO War. III say that I've been
on TO School iesrnin' that Brother
hood of Man STUFF and gettin' the
smsli-Tovn Junk dusted oot of me.
Am T right. Frenchyy~
The polite Poilu made a few ges-
lures with his Eyebrows before re-
plying.
Going. Going. Gesei
In my native Province have seen
only few Citizens OF your Republic
and not many OF the Anrlsis." he
said. The American was very din
cult Of Observation because he Away.
seemed IN a great Hurry 10 srrive at
some Point just beyond. We were
told that he led gay life around the
Capital of the Universe and was max
Ing the City very wicked Can you
blame US II we believed that all OF
your people had too much Money and
sever learned the Latin Art Of Pleas
ant Moderation7 Then came the Army.
At last I see! America IS not a land
OF foolish Millionsires. II IL the home
Of our Brothers. We see you in our
Villages. helping the Old and Weak.
playing with the Children. walking
out with the MamseIles, and wherever
you go. loved and trusted II il the
same with the British. We knew
there was a Land 70 the North. en-
veloped in Fog and gloomy Respecta-
bility, but we could only laugh al
the English when we saw them. They
were Tourists. and all Tourists are
Mad-not merely out OF Temper but
truly Mad. foolish in the Head. what
Mon Cher Yank would call Nuts
They were always provlinr about
/ L. H. o.
portsnt after they found IL. so you
could hardly blame US for regarding
them as a Queer Lot. Now we k.
them on both Checks and call them
Nagnifidue."
The Italian volunteered:
You say that the Tourist is No
body Home under the Hat. Then
what shall you say for the Amer
leans and English that have given
us so much Laughter in ItaIy7 Sorne(
are Students OF Art who copy OIdJ
Masters. The Young Man with thel
Hair is to be CarJso next Year. hut
we know that he will get no fur
! ther than the Cinema Palace Then
there is the Signorina with the lit
tie Parlor Soprano who believes that
Galli-Curci is not so much And
oh, the ones with large SpectacIes
who dwell among the Ruins And
the busting ones who buy Antique
which are not We have often said
that there must be strange Counfrirs
i'm the World a. such People can
get Money with which 70 travpT
II Is now that even the little Chill
dren in my beloved Country sing
about the Star-SpanC Ban. but that
is because you night for. us"
I'm just wondCrin'." said the
Nank, how long this Love Feas
will last after We unbutton our Bsv-
onets. I'm guessin" that it'll make
Difference for all Time 10 come.
The Day may arrive when any one
Of us can look at a Boche without
seein' Red, but I don't think I'll ever
offer one OF 'em a Cigar II do.
there'll be something wrong with IL
Moral: The Plowboys conquer
where the Plutes and Parvenus have
I failed.
The Washington herald., 1918-12-15
-McCItcheon.

and thin in the Shanks, . After Two
Million had arrived, each looking
ready TO fight a Bengal Tiger at the
drop of Hat, the Fact began to take
Root that we were 400 years behind
Columbus in Discovering America
We had taken note of the Tourist
who hailed a Taxi-Cab by waving the
Stars and Stripes. Also we had casu-
ally encountered the Uncrowned
Queen from your Shores who led a
Millionaire by a String and who made
the Chandeliers Jingle every time she
addressed a Head Waiter. These
rather ford Examples had led us to
think that the whole Western Hemis-
phere was F1amboyant and Swanky.
Now we learn that not all of you have
been ruined by Money. Willing to be.
no doubt, but providentislly saved
just the same. All. well: when an
Englishman admits that he is wrong,
We are not more than six inches from
the Millennium. Up to a few months
ago. the Frenchman was merely an
eccentricIComedy Part at the Gaiety;
the Italian was an obscure Alien de-
voted to Garlic and Grand Opera. and
the Chicago Person was a gold-plated
Aborigine
To-day. any British Subject who
dared to raise his Voice against the
Nisga Falls or Napoleon's Tomb or
the Appian Way would be locked in
the Tower and shot early next Morn
ing. We have seen Queen Mary salut-
ing the Star-Spangled Banner. than
which nothing could be more Signifi-
cant. II required an upheaval OF the
World to throw us together, but we
have been thrown hard. Here we are,
dear old Pals, probably knowing a
lot of discredits Bile Things about each
other. but absolutely refusing to con-
slider them at present. 1 call that
downright Chubby"
I've just been tryin' TO figure out
The Washington herald., 1918-12-15

barrassing him in some way. or touch
ing upon some painful subject; but
he sailed right in and gave us the
most fascinating account of the spot
in Ireland where we shall spend our
next summer. l forgot all about his
being blind. and so did Billy.
Source of Entertainment.
There would not be the old poster
ing idea of matchmaking to worry you,
for he will never marry now. Be
sides, dear, think what source of
entertainment he would be to your
mother: you say that you are often
forced to leave her alone.
+ But-aside from all this-he does so
need a woman's sympathetic under
standing and consideration. He seems
utterly alone except for paid service.
He needs family surroundings.
Dear, | hope that you will consider
this. AS a matter of course. he would
want to pay; he could not accept
charity. But i can assure you, he
would not feel il to be merely a mat
ter OF business. He is so happy over
the possibility of your taking him
that he can scarcely waits for your
answer. He suggests that he should
offer $500 a month for himself and
Philip. which would fall far within
his expenses at the club where he has
lived for ten years or more. He Is
not, l forgot to say, young.
Do consider this plan, Becky. 1t
would mean everything to a very lone
ly and afflicted man. l am sure that
you would enjoy his society, both you
and your mother
Devotedly,
MAUD.
Dearest Becky
You wrote> hastily. I refuse abso-
lutely to accept defeat so easily. 1t
would not seem a bit like having a
strange man in the house. A blind
man is not a man at all in the usual
The Washington herald., 1918-12-15
-McCutchen.

rified Service had taken them by
the Hand and led them through the
long Darkness. with Death stalking
just behind. and brought them back
to the Filltops and Sunshine.
Were they for her? Ask me!
The Establishment at which they
were Honored Visitors had been called
a Chateau back in the Days of Wigs
and Ruffles but 1t was now a Hos
pital.
More definite Information as to Lo-
Gale must be withheld.
1t Was Somewhere, Though.
If we printed the Name of the
Place. some Secret Agent in this
Country might put a Slip of Paper
into a Link of Sausage and smuggle
it into Switzerland. and there an
other Spy would put on False WhIs-
kers and get across the Border un-
der cover of Darkness and finally
deliver the Information to Ludendorff.
who would order an Air Raid, be-
cause the Kulturite is never so jovial
at Eventide as when he has killed
a lot of Nurses and bedridden Pa
tients earlier in the Day.
Suffice II to say that il was Some
where in a Country that had been
getting a Fierce Deal and was now
preparing to slip a large Hunk of
Grief to the other Fellow.
The International Quartet consist
The Washington herald., 1918-12-15

blind, totally blind, and there is no
hope for him, none whatever A tumor
has destroyed the optic nerve.
He has been overworking for years.
and now this breakdown and conse-
quent letting up of the nervous strain
OF work, have brought about a re-
action. The physicians insist that he
must have absolute mental rest for a
year or more. After that. he can go
on working with the help of some
one to be eyes for him. but at pres
ent he must rest and do nothing.
You can easily imagine what 1t will
mean to blind man, and one. at
that. who has not yet become wonted
to his burden, to rest. to think. to
realize his loss.
Suggested Sapitariuu.
At first they suggested a sanItarium,
but he objects to that, as well as to
an institution for the blind.
This morning had an inspiration.
There you are up in that lovely
healthful spot, which claims more
ozone than all the rest of New Hamp-
shire put together. You are alone,
you and your mother.
Now. why couldn't Mr. Lewis come
to you?
He is wonderful about his affliction.
talks of anything but of 1t. He has
travelled the world over and over, and
seems to delight now in "reminiscences
He is glad to hear people discuss
everything that they see; no subject
would have to be avoided.
He would bring his valet with him.
a quiet young fellow, so you would
have no care except to cut his meat
at table. What do you suppose he did
the minute he was convalescent? Why.
he sent to an institution for the blind
for one of their teachers, and prac-
tised eating. How is that for grit?
He dined with US the other night. 1
was in a perfect panic for fear of en-
The Washington herald., 1918-12-15

the more delicatessen Circles OF
London, as 1t were"
My Dear Boy, you were Just as
highly esteemed as any Resident OF
Kamchatka or Booriaboola Cha" ex-
planned the Tommy. I'VE surmised
that you wore Sheepskin Trousers and
carried a Lariat and put in all your
spare time getting Divorces and lynch
ing inoffensive Colored Persons, OF
course. we might have known that
you couldn't devote the livelong Day
to Discharging Weapons and infract-
ing the Seventh Commandment and
casseroling the poor Blacks, but II
happened that we didn't get any ac-
curste Report of any of your Repu-
table Performances. II We met an
American and he acted Parlor- Broke.
we figured that he was an Exception
to the Rule and probably from Boston
We read about you in the Penny
Dreadfuls and saw you in the Movies
and Wild West Shows and got the
daily Murder Reports In the Papers.
and We pictured you as kind of
Prairie Wolf wearing Diamonds. As
we were the inventors of manly Out
dor Sports. we never could visualize
you as other than crude Imitntors in
the Realm OF Athletics. Even when
you happened to win. we refused to
believe 1t.
Pie Good Diet, After All.
We knew that you were pie-eating
Dyspeptics who lacked the Brawn and
the Bone and the Bright Blue Eye of
the English Hero. to whom We had
modestly referred IN Song and Story
for several Centuries. When the first
Regiments arrived and began to per-
colate. we shrewdly suspected that you
had picked out the more robust Lads
just as a Show-Off. We believed that
the next Lot would be pigeon-breasted
The Washington herald., 1918-12-15
fable Of the Hostess and Party Under the TreesGaa1

ed of a Yank. a Tommy. a Poilu.
and wop.
Upon.Seading which. no doubt the
Reader Will exclaim. "Ah. Some
Cluster"
After setting 'em up to the Fags,
our Heroine withdrew. knowing that
the Boys had lot of Matters. to
settle among themselves.
The Yank hailed from Beatrice,
Neb., or Skowhegan, Me-. or Meri-
dian. Miss. Now that you have
learned his Post-Ofice address. you
will understand why he took the
first Shot and held forth as follows:
Well. when breeze back to the
old Home Town and the Committee
on Everything lines up at the Bon
Ton Soft Drink Emporium, / sure
will have crackin' Report to turn
In. I'm hopin' that Mr.. Hurley will
let me have a separate Ship for my
Souvenirs. Likewise and further
more. I'll take back enough Jaw
Bone to last me through many a
long Winter Evening" And, believe
me yes, when we rally round the
old Base Burner the first big Ear
full that hand the Regulars will be
about our Buddies right here. We
had the false Dope. All we knew
about you Ginks was what we'd seen
in VAUDEVILLE and the Colored Sup
plement.' / was taught from early
Youth that the entire British Nation
got up every Morning and started
in to sob on account of Bunker Hill.
Still brooding over Yorktown, the
same as the Daughters of the Reyo-
luton. Poor downtrodden Dubs who
took orders from a King instead of,
a Precinct Captain. Gosh, how I
pitied the Foreigners who couldn't
vote for a Congressman that wore
a White Vest! Especially the Eng
ishman, because he had to wear
mutton-chop Zoo-Zoos and couldn't
see a Joke.
A Clean Bill for MonocIes.
The only ring-tailed Slickers in
the whole World were Yankee
Doodle Boys wearing bell-shaped
Coats and Button Shoes. It's been
Ia real Shock to me to find out that
]. Bull is approximately Human.
Somehow, the Samples that we had
seen fdn't do Justice No ,the Main
Batch. We had taken q Peek at the
Piccadilly Brighter who wore the
little Glass Eye and expected to
find Buffalo roaming through the
Streets of Piqua, Ohio. He struck
us as being a sort of Compromise
between Welsh Rabbit and Sponge
Cake. Just put on Earth for the
cute Americans to kid along. Now
I've got to go back and explain that
the dear old Toff with the Monocle
is Heller when he gets wound up
and London compares favorably
with Omaha or Memphis and all the
| time we've been joshn' the Britisher
he had a Secret to the Effect that
we were the Ones bein' strung. All,
we'll; live and learn says the Rube
| that picked up the wrong She'll
I'm guessin' that before we became
/ Pards the plain Resident of some
! inland Burg in the u. S. 4. didn't
have a very high Social Rating in
The Washington herald., 1918-12-15

sense of the word. 1t would be more
like receiving a child. one who de-
pended on you for kindness and con-
'sideration, and yet would not be a
burden.
Don't turn him away. 1t would go
TO your beart to see the patience and
sweetness that have already come into
his face: and it was so strong, so
virile. 1t is now. only patience over
tops all.
Today he asked. just like a boy:
"Will she take me?" | couldn't tell
him about your letter. I just couldn't.
Becky. l said: she hasn't answered
yet"
Now send a reply instanter, and
please be good. Don't you remember
that old German story which tells how
a poor little boy went begging on
Christmas eve? Many a rich and
careless father and mother turned
him away. At last he was taken in
by poor family, who had not enough
for themselves, and while he sat
among them. the whole place grew
light, and was filed with a sudden
glory. Then the child blessed them
and rose out of sight, and they found
that they had entertai1ed the Christ
Child.
Keep Out of Mischief.
Don't think that I am turning into
a saint, but l read the story over
again today. / was looking over old
magazines, and l found ii reprinted
in a Christmas number. Somehow it
made me think of you up there in
that lovely town, with only some
parish work TO keep you out of mis-
chief
Dear. perhaps you may be turning
away a blessing. II you don't take poor
old Mart Perhaps IL he could come
to you. he would bring not only work
for your hands. but entertainment for
many an hour. He plays the violin,
The Washington herald., 1918-12-15

and certainly you can read well,
enough TO try simple Accomplishments.
With love,
MAUD.
Dearest of Girls:-
You certainly are tiptop. Mart is
so happy that he can scarcely wait
to take up his residence in the old
south room
1 have described II 10 him. every
bit Of it, the great four-poster with
the curtain of lowered chintz and
the valence. the Swiss windows. the
geraniums, the carpet to match the
hangings. I've told him just where
each piece of old mahogany stands,
its size and shape and carvings.
He will arrive next Saturday on the
3 O'Clock train, together with Philip.
Yes. the small room adjoining will
be quite right for Philip. and the bell
which you had installed for your
fathers use will make all complete.
Nothing could be more perfect.
There With "a. NJ. L.
It is foolish to talk about country
inconveniences-you with electricity
and telephone and steam heat Oh.
that peminds me! What do you sup
pose collins, our new butler, said.
speaking somewhat complainingly Of
his last position? It ran as follows:
The hinconweniences of the con-
weniences wu1 very great mum"
What nationality, say you, could
produce a bull like that?
However, the point is that YOU are
willing to give Martin Lewi< trial.
Dear. l hope that he will prove an
angel una~ares. and that yours will
be a rich reward. At all avents, you
will have the consolation of knowing
that you have performed a great
kindness to one who sorely needed IL.
Lovingly,
MAUD.
Dearest Girl
I've done something quite dreadful,
and you may scold me. II you like,
but don't give me away to Martin
Lewis. You would not be willing to
have him think me an out-and-ou
liar. would you? Dear, what do you
suppose / told him?
Well, | happened to find out that he
is simply crazy over women with
golden hair and brown eyes. Poor
fellow. he has so little to make him
happy, and he will never fall in love
now, nor ask any woman to be his
wife! You see. l am working to my
confession slowly. Here it is:
Has Golden Hair.
/ thought that would give him the
pleasure of thinking you his ideal
told him that you had golden hair, the
whitest and milkiest of skins, and
rosiest OF cheeks; that your eyes were
large and brown. beautiful hazel
brown. In short. gave him clearly TO
understand that you were the most
lovely in appearance of all the women
whom / knew. =,
He was enchanted and said that he
could see you exactly.
You will be furious, as a matter of
course, because you are 50 honest.
But your loyalty equals your honesty;
therefore, you will not give me away,
however angry you may be- He won't
ask you. in all probability, so you
need not per1ure your soul except to
the extent Of keeping quiet.
Now good-by. It's too bad. sirHe,
to treat you SO. and then not to tell
you until too late
As ! write the clock strikes three.
Tomorrow at this time, provided the
train is prompt. you viii be shaking
hands with your guest, and YOU will
receive this few minutes afterwards.
I imagine that you will not compli-
cate matters before you read it.
Devotedly.
MAUD.
CHAPTER III.
The Washington herald., 1918-12-15
Ts be contisseS tes serrew.
Splash

Simple: Ever hear the story Of
the fountain.
simon. No. sprins i''-csrsoon'
The Washington herald., 1918-12-15
CHAPTER III.

Tom Farnum had known Rebecca
Vanderpool when she was a little
girl. in spite Of the fact that she had
enjoyed the distinction Of being taught
by a governess. while he had at
tended the village school. He remNm-
mother had said that she had grown
- - - ye1eAs IA tznkA e
The Washington herald., 1918-12-15
CHAPTER II.

Dear Becky
I've a proposition to make. Now
please don't grow excited until you
hear all, every bit of it.
I've spoken to you of Martin Lewis
You know, wanted you to meet him.
thought that you and he would be
congenial. Well. my dear. q most
dreadful thiag bs-s happsne6 IA =.
The true Democrat. [volume] (Bayou Sara [La.]) 1892-1928, 1918-01-05

months public srhnul lu ach localities as
arr willing e. make up sufficient muns
Co pas fhn salary at tba teacher for unr
additional month Az 81 the places where
,alaftd schools hay, been RUNNING this
fall have apparently met tbts condition
a8fH other places afr failing los line for
14. spring term : hrii,Er ihp RltH viii
vufh aui ta tbr great ianeHt oi tee
aulofea people af the PARISH "a VII mran
that $50 ste aisle lo ran almost third
luafr unlufrH schools without additional
J2HpHar 10 IHr Board
Teachers Salaries
uH account aI the Increased cost of
living amounting Ia aa per geui since the
beginning Of else uulld WaT il is Hecpse
sary l8 m8ky sumr provision for iurreas-
Inr the =auHI,s ur our teachers II this Is
not HuHr ggr face the condition of pTaCtis
calls al teachers leaving iHy profession
60 engage IH mare rpmuugfIllys employ
nrui fUG instance hdy teacher can
HaW take als months business course
aHa enter thy Government service 81 an
entrance saIaa Of - eU1 pc, gesE Mann
teacher have spent years iH preparation
}uf their work 90 great expense. and are
moa earning ennis fa"u ur $500 per yesr
aIa maus less fhaH fhAi Z recommend
that tire SALARIES at a3 teachers bs iu-
creased 80 prf cont ta herume tmme'ilaitH
effective 9 Ha this in the hope that W.
mas be- enaDta Co. fptaIu tho services Of
gHr tragHsrs We uun have aUd ta enable
tHrm a. h3tr little more money % meet
the aH,rrass8 sost IF HNme Nhpu it Is
considered that iHe aasi OF living has
Increased SO pes teH1 Il sill De- seen that
the Wrrsass H aalafs recommended Is hui
u aHaH pant 81 she Increased rgsi ei living
Ger tire ttart,fs As Co where the mupet
IL coming stum ~ meet tbiH Increased
expense / p4HHst sHH q Nua.8 sreuf tHai
tht people would HtE. ta maky saWo pru
s3sfoa fer ga.na wurn murr far 5hrE
schools .f the, expect Ca eounHH, tu gufuh
fH, sHnotA facilities
EaarrtUmHs Submitted
r. E rRlNr
Parish E..srf .Hf.. .ls
The true Democrat. [volume] (Bayou Sara [La.]) 1892-1928, 1918-01-05
WORST DECO OF AL

over the Tup. hy Arthur Gus F,mpey
H. ar account al eighteen months spent
iu the trenches hy au American youth
before the rulted States entered the
war ~ mpreasoa uus as sirIkIagly
sefariutts and a very fair description
nj "a hat be- saN and experienced We
should hka fer every uur tn read IT,
NOT to reallze the horrors. but to know
If The other circumstances thai Tighten
eststeuc, there and make realization
Jess dreadful than anticipation Empey
frequently aukuue lpdge- baytshly Thai
De- eas scared that from the waist
doan be- could uoi feel that be Was
running forward but these facts did
uol prevent htm from volunteering for
desperate service ur restrain htm from
going forward instead pf go the rear
II aaF uu picnic bat II sho@ hoW
eyeu the most dreadful situations were
frightened bg human wit comradeship.
and even ktudlnras lu the men no th"
Opposite trenches IInstlHtrs Were iua
personal The true soldier dnas Rot
carry malice in hls heart
In that connection vh1Ip many of thr
incidents related wiring ghr heart set 50
The true Democrat. [volume] (Bayou Sara [La.]) 1892-1928, 1918-01-05
AMERICAN DEFENSE SOCIETY
WARNING

Every German or Austrian tn tho
United States unless known by years
of association ta b. absolutely loyal
should br treated al % potential spr
BE- au gbe alert Keep gouf eyes and
ears appu Take nothinF Tor granted
Energy ans aleflneHs may save the
life OF go8r soa. faur husband or you
brother
The enemy la engaged iu making aar
Iu This country iR transmitting news ia
Berlin and lei spreading peace propa
gauda as wsli aa las about fhD coodl
ton aud morale Of American military
forces
NbfHafrf auF suspicious act 81 dis
layal word comes to gauf notice con.
muBlraie at once aith thr loeal police
department M 9Th thp Office If the
Department Of Justice PosloBleo Build
lBR. Camp ST. NeW ORLEANS