American Falls press. [volume] (American Falls, Idaho) 1907-1937, 1917-11-09
D0DING SUBMARINES WITH 4
SMILE.

We AidIU uUN lnt anger ZONE CAN Dt
sailed through with a smile, even
though the captain ordered as IAN ap-
petiser for dinner" one night that
everybody remain dressed and armed
with a lfe-belt until permission was
given to retire. The story is related
by Ring w. Lardner for Golfers
Weekly in his reporter diary" When
at "a Lake Michigan port" one day. a
gentleman from Somewhere in Con-
necticut" asked Mr.. Lardner whether
he would like to go to France. he
answered that he'd like It very much
except that he was thirty-two years
old with a dependable wife and three
unreliable children" The gentleman
from Somewhere In Connecticut" as
sured him that chose small details"
exempted him from military duty, but
that he was wanted as a war-corres-
pendent. When Mr.. Larder avowed
he knew nothing about war. rejoinder
was made that "it had been frequently
proved that that had nothing to do
with IT," Gradually Mr.. Lardner's
conscientious objections were all ov-
erruled, and we find him inquiring of
an agent of the steamship line whether
the boat will be conveyed through the
danger zone.
I'VE don't guarantee IT," was the
reply; and then-"There has never
been an accident on this line"
What | vas thinking about" said
Mr.. Lardner, wouldn't be classed as
an accident" And we are informed
that further questioning developed the
comforting fact that the ship he was
taking had never been sunk"
Three and one-half days behind
schedule he sailed at ten at night from
an Atlantic port with the reflection
that the ship and he should be very
c%ongenial "as we are both about the
same age" We read then:
Our passenger list includes a gem
eral, a congressman, a lady novelist,
and her artist husband, French; a
song bird, also French; two or three
majors, a Thaw, and numerous gentle
men of the consular service. The
large majority on board are young
men going into American ambulance
and Y. NJ. c. A. work.
After breakfast this morning there
was life-boat drill, directed by our
purser, who is permanently made up
as Svengali. He sent us down to our
lNdDll0 " Htl Jul lllt-Dtll0 anu lntH
assigned us to our boats. Mine, No.
II, is as far from my cabin as they
could put it without cutting it loose
from the ship, and if l happen to be
on deck when that old torpedo strikes,
believe me I'm not going to do a Mar
athon for a life belt. Shoes off, and
a running hop, step and jump look
like the best system. Moreover, I'm
going to disobey another of the rules,
which is that each passenger must
remain calm.
Next we had to fill out a form for
the enlightment of Svengali as to our
destination. business, home address,
foreign address. literary tastes, etc.
One item was the names of relatives
or friends you lofh.' This was UNI
answered. as nobody abroad seemed
to know the meaning of the verb.
Two days completely at sea" Mr..
Lardner notes that every morning one
sees on deck people one never saw
before, and, ''as we have not stopped
at any stations since we started, the
inference is that certain parties have
not found the trip a continuous joy
ride" One new acquaintance is de-
scribed as the Gentleman from
louisiana" who
introduced himself to scold me and
another guy for not taking sufficient
exercise. We told him we found little
pleasure in promenading the deck.
That's unnecessary" he said. Get
yourselfs a pair Of three-pound dumb
bells and use them a certain length
of time every day"
So we are constantly on the lookout
for a dumb-bell shop, but there seems
to be a regrettable lack of such es-
Establishments in m~id-Ocean.
The Gentleman from Louisiana says
he is going to join the Foreign Legion
if they'll take him. He is only seven
~ years old.
But age makes NJ difference to a
man like l." says he. Il exercise and
keep hard. All my friends are hard
and tough. Why. one of my friends
is an undertaken who always carries
a razor in his boot
Presumably this bird never allows
psychological depression in his bust
ness.
The Gentleman from Louisiana con-
tinues;
rive got a reputation for hardness,
Uul 4 III OnAe h0Ah hN 4 hARW a ~
right used such hard language once
that they injected me from a commit
tee. / was state senator then. But
in all the time | held office | never
talked more than w minutes.
We expressed polite regret that he
was not a state senator still.
The ships concert. Mr.. Lardner tells
us. was held IN the Salon de CONVEX
sation, which he thinks should be re-
served for the Gentleman from Louis
lana. who has now told me two hun
dred times that he won his election
to the state senate by giving one dol
lar and a half to a niger" Among
other %piQuant sketches of %acquain-
tances on the boat is the ships bar
Der who
understands not a syllable of Eng
III hitch F,.N I,r ua1,I 900 =,