Harrisburg telegraph. [volume] (Harrisburg, Pa.) 1879-1948, 1917-02-21
&GB Reddind for 'W6fuen and all the hmil4
Doing the Markets
And Other Things
BY HAZEL MUTT.


New York Evening World, says that
an optimist is man who doesn't care
what happens, just so it doesn't hap
! pen to him. That may be the New
fork definition of an optimist, but 1t
isn't what Harrisburg optimist is, to
wit: A Harrisburg optimist is q man
who thinks lie can get to Nineteenth
| and Market streets in twenty-five MN
utes, leaving the Square at noon; or
else he's man who thinks he can get
bargains at a market house. The WIIe
wasted half an hour Saturday trying
to find bunch OF celery for less than
IL cents. And when the Son and Heir
mad grabbed the heart, Sunday dinner
! time, there wasn't enough celery left
to pad a crutch. While the Wife was
celery hunting L watched the happy
marketers, beng particularly interest
ed In woman at cake counter. To
be sure that the cakes were fresh
she Squoze each one with her fingers;
and when she finally found one that
would dent she bought 1t. l went over
TO woman who was selling Scrapple.
Scrapple.
why don't you put meat in your
! scrapple?" | asked her.
I'VE do" says she.
WELL" 1 said to her, 'it doesn't
taste"
Neither would you," says she, "if
you were mixed with as much mush as
it is"
Then 1 got even with her. 1 asked
her to say much mush" five times
real quick; and while she was un-
tangling herself l made a getaway.
l forgot to say that all this was
down at the Chestnut street market.
After the Wife had left the center of
operations half a dozen times, return
ing each time with some more fodder
for the basket, l asked her wasn't she
pretty nearly through.
Why" says she, Indignantly, 81 still
have $1.15 left" and away she went.
l followed her to where she was buy
ing a chicken.
How will know this chicken is
tender?" she was saying.
I'VE can tell that easily-tomor-
row." told her.
The man at the counter eyed me IN
nauseated manner.
Lady" he said, when the chick
ems breast bone will bend it's sign
the chickens young"
And then he bent the breast bone.
He pretty nearly broke his arm, but ne
bent that bone.
DO y want some puddin ?" a man
asked me.
I'm not very hungry" I told him.
but If you have nice piece of cottage
pudding l could eat a bite or two
mo, no." he said. Not that kind
of puddin'-puddin', that comes from
meat. You know-like scrapple."
''Nup," says l, "if it's like scrapple
it's come too far-from meat"
like markets. I'm going again next
Saturday afternoon. l expect to have
SIS again by that time.
broke my previous records on the
Reservoir line Saturday night. 1 rode
all the way from Cameron to Nine
teenth and never had my feet on the
floor once. No, | wasn't sitting down
either; l was supposed to be standing.
The little girl with the high suede
shoes who was jammed in back of me
said something about tall fellows that
don't know enough to lean on their
own dinners. Good Lord, lady! ac-
cept my apology. When the jam fin
ally loosened l dropped a foot.
One of our eminent cabaret attend
ants had row with policeman just
after he finished his thirteenth bottle
of beer the other night.
"I'll lock y up" said the cop. AN
dye know what'll happen? TIL alder
man'll sentence y { stay home with
your wife five nights"
He can't do nothin' like that"
Kicked the cabaret attendant.
why not?" asked the policeman.
"Th' law (hic) f'rbids crooel an un-
usual punishments."
Capitol's getting to be great resort
for newly weds. They come in here
from all points of the compass. Usu-
ally the sweet young dears keep their
eyes averted as they pass the Barnard
statues on the front porch. Then when
they come to the revolving doors
they're so doggone averse to heing
separated that they both crowd into
one compartment. There's always a
pair, of them holding hands in the
Senate or House gallery or Governors
reception room. Almost all the young
husbands ask the guards where the
graft was.
Trio of Nubians condescended to
carry q barrel of ashes and two small
boxes out of my cellar Monday.
How much?" asked the wife.
"1t ought to be worth a nickel
apiece for the three of EN-" said one
Nube. Three beers"
Here's 20 cents" says the Wife,
"and when you're through with the
first glass the three of you can fight
for the fourth"
"Reclton we'll get bucket" says
the Nubian.
These guys-the ash carriers-are
unconscious humorists, or subcon-
scious, I don't know which. l don't
like to carry out ashes; none what
ever. So when the trio named was
heavin' out the barrel Monday one of
'em began singing:
Ashes e ashes,
Dust t. dust,
If he won't carry 'em
The ash man must.
Big fellow from the fire marshals
department had to pay for his six
year-old on the Reservoir line the
other night. First time ever. The car
crowded up. The little fellow had
seat. Guy came in and squdged the
kkidds mighty close.
"Don't crowd the little chap" said
the big fellow from the hill. You
wouldn't do it if he was big enough to