Bridgeton pioneer., 1917-03-01
Twice a
Home
A Widows Experience
By ESTHER VANDEVEER


when we were both so young that nei-
ther Of us could remember time
when it did not exist. His fathers
place was but short distance from
ours. Indeed, the rear line marked the
limits of both places. On one side Of
this line was thcs playground of the
several children, boys and girls, in
Guiding Edward and myself, who lived
in the neighborhood. / can remember
as far back as when was seven years
old and Edward nine that in playing
keep house he and always played the
part of husband and wife. There was
swing on this playground, and Ed
wards father put up articles for a
boys gymnasium. A little house four
or five feet high was built for us girls
and furnished with toy furniture. At
times we would leave our dolls there
all night, first putting them to bed.
When I grew taller could not up4
derstand how l could have stood up
right in that little house. And what
seemed more remarkable to me was that
Edward could have done so, for he was
always a large child. And remember
that when he had been away to school
for long while and came back he was
taller than the house.
By this time we were growing out of
childhood into that intermediate period
when, though boys and girls may feei
love, they are not likely to express it,
1t is period of transition from child
love to real love. The boy mind is taken
up with athletic sports, while the girl
hides her secret almost from herself.
Indeed, SO nebulous is this period that
in my own case it is difficult for me to
recall my exact feelings. / remember
them family and as existing at inter-
walls. They were rather small portion
of my girls existence than the whole
of it.
Wien was sixteen was awakened
to the true condition by the marked
preference displayed by another girl
for my Edward. From that time my
love became the principal instead of
minor part in my life. l failed to con-
ceal my jealousy from him, and this
brought out his own consciousness of
what was between us. There was no
formal declaration. no conventional
giving Of the hand, not even the low
ers' kiss. He merely said something
about the other girl, know not what,
but it assured me there was no change
in our position since the days when
we played husband and wife at keep
ing house-nO change in the position,
but a great change in the condition.
1t had then been like winter bud, but
it was now swollen under spring sun,
ready to put forth leaves.
/ sometimes wished that could have
experienced the proposal that other
girls seemed to regard the next most
important moment in their lives to
their marriage. Edward and had no
occasion for proposal. Our love was
rather, as have said, an unfolding of
bud than the birth of a butterfly.
The only abrupt part of it was when
he gave me the first kiss. / treasured
that in lieu of proposal.
When we were married great changes
had occurred. l had been left alone in
the world, so it was arranged that we
should occupy my house. Our living
room was on the second floor, over
looking the playground where we had
pretended to be husband and wife.
The faint dream Of childhood had been
developed to a realization Of almost
perfect happiness. If there could be
perfection on earth these five years of
my life. from twenty to twenty-five
were such a condition. Two children
were born to us, boy and a girl.
What seemed strange to me was that,
though l gave them a boundless love
that which / bore their father, instead
of being diminished, was increased
Truly love must be, like space, infiuite
Up to this point there had been an
expansion of happiness Suddenly
there came check. Our younger
child sickened and died. l have de
scribed with some minuteness what ]
have llkened to the gradual unfolding
of nower. / have no heart to give
more than a brief mention of it's blight
ing. Within a few months after the
first death a second occurred, and
For time l was in sort of col.
lapse. in which did not take enough
interest in my surroundings to be af |
fected by them. After one has met
with serious accident or has been
operated upon by a surgeon the senses
are deadened; then comes the begin |
ming of pain. 1t was so with me
When l became myself my surround
ings were painful to me. Some per
sons similarly situated nurse their
grief by living in such surroundings.
longed to get away from them.
Friends advised ME to seek recovery
in the many new scenes and interest |
ing objects that are to be found abroad.
took their advice. ! sailed for Eu |
rope, leaving the place where l had
been so happy in the hands Of an agent |