The Liberal democrat. [volume] (Liberal, Kan.) 1911-1924, 1917-05-17
Automobile Section
THE AUTOMOBILE
BY James Lovely in Motor Age.

contrivance of various kinds of metal,
rubber, leather and strong odor. 1t
is used by mankind to kill time, and
sometimes hens, chickens, pigs and
larger game. Men who own automo-
biles are sometimes compelled to give
up some of their time to business, as
their pets are extremely voracious
! and cost good deal to support. This,
however, is often blessing in dis
guise, because it gives them a greater
zest for those pleasures the enjoy
ment of which constitutes real exis-
tence.
|. 1t is an interesting thing to watch
healthy automobile taking nourish-
ment. The process is as follows: The
creature is first of all directed to-
wards what appears to be mail box
that has for some years been depriv-
ed Of proper feeding. The upright ar
rangements are usually very red, and
are bounded on the sky-piece by a
length of hose. This trunk-like ap-
pendage is attached to the nostril of
the auto, and the garage attendant
coaxes it into disgorging. For this
purpose he uses series Of motions
with pump handle which are cross
between reducing exercises and the
conciliating bows necessary to make a
good impression. When the machine
has disgorged sufficiently, the attend
ant performs the same process upon
the owner Of the car, who usually be-
comes very red and disgorges with as
much difficulty as the machine. The
only difference between the two is
that the car owner has his hose at
tached to the groundwork of his
structure, not to the skypiece. A we'll
fed automobile can make more noise,
raise more dust and kill more hens
than any other living thing unless it
is skunk attacked from behind.
Some people prefer cats to auto
mobiles as household pets. The two
creatures are very much alike in
many details. Both will purr when
they are pleased and have two glar-
ing eyes that shine in the night. They
will also swear when you put your
finger on the back of their necks, and
even dog will get out of the way. If
it does not, there is usually some
thing doing. Cats always land on their
paws; an auto will often pause on the
land, especially if you are in hurry
to catch train. Autos cannot climb
trees as cats can, although they will
sometimes try. 1t is generally bad for
the tree when they do.
Should an auto wish to retire from
active life, this is the correct method
of proceeding, as it usually falls on
its back and the wheels are then easy
to get at. If it falls far, the retiring
may continue clear to the scrap heap.
Any man who intends to adopt an
automobile needs to possess three
things-money, garage and large
smile. He goes into his pocket when
it needs food or repairs, he goes into
the garage to smoke and whenever he
feels like it, and into debt when his
money is spent. The smile is useful
when the creditors come with the
bills.
Autos often carry spare tire on
their backs, This is sensible custom
because it can be blown up and worn
as life belt in cases of emergency.
It is just as well to be prepared, be-
cause you never know where you may
get to.
There are three sciences that auto
mobile owners Misrepresentation,
gyration and evaporation. Three
branches of the last named are exam
nation, prostration and perspiration.
When an auto is kept long in cap
tivity it will become very tame and
can be made to serve many useful
purposes. The horn, for example, can
be kept in the house at night for
burglar alarm. The wheels can be TAX
en- off and will make attractive cush-
ions.
Some autos become very fond of
their owners. 1t is said of one mil
Iionaire that when he died the only
thing that wept was his automobile,
which shed gasoline for days after
wards. 1t was found later that there
was screw loose somewhere, which
accounted for it.
The automobile is useful crea-
ture and has its work in the great