The Washington herald., 1917-02-06
IBaptiste! You Oughta Been
At that Banquet of Momus!
Rap! Rap! Rap! Go Hammers of the Knockers
but Victims All Smile and Like It.

rcan talk. but you musn't insult the COM
pany.
Plumber-I Just wanted to explain.
Toastmaster-Do yod know Tom Law
son?
Plumber-I know his brother
Toastmaster-which one?
Plumber-"whitey" Lawson.
| Toastmaster-How did you get acquaint-
| ed with him? What was the limit?
Plumber-We learned our trade In the
same shop.
Toastmaster-well. is Tom four
| fiusher2
Piumber-Don't think SO; he has never
| been In Congress.
! Toastmaster-Is this a leak of gas or
\ water7
i Plumber-Both.
| Toastmaster-How's that?
Plumber-Like this. The gas was on
the Hill and the water
Toastmaster-well. what about the wa
| ter2
Plumber-oh. that was up in Wall
| Street
Toastmaster-If there was leak, was
It of any profit to any member of Con-
1 gress?
| Plumber-No; 1t was velvet.
Toastmaster-Well, suppose II was vel
vet, did he split with his Informant
Plumber-Say. in the matter of coming
across. the average CONGRESSMAN would
make the sphinx look like a riot.
Toastmaster-Well, goodbye, but tell
US one thing more before you leave.
Plumber-All right.
Toastmastdr-Is that a union suit you
| are wearingf
Plumber-The union suit is underneath.
The top one came from Jim McCormick's
suit club. But it's all right for rough
work. Goodbye, boys
Here's the way the knights settled the
question OF increased pay for govern
ment clerks. The House had been
called to order to consider bills to initiate
emoluments." Then came this dialogue:
Mr.. Dyer dmpersonated by Joe NJ
Johnson)-Mr. Speaker
| Toastmaster-Mr. Dyer
Mr.. Dyer-Mr. Speaker, in the interest
OF civilization and humanity, I ask for
the immediate consideration Of my great
/ bill granting a horizontal, perpendicular
and semicircular imitation of emoluments
! to the clockwinder at the Capitol. Be-
fore I am overwhelmed by my emotions,
l would say that history is silent as to
the precise moment when time first be-
gan its flight or where It was flying to,
but
Mr.. Kahn Mr. Burkholder)-Mr
Speaker
Toastmaster-Mr. Kahn.
| Mr.. Kahn-Mr. Speaker. I hope that the
flight OF time and oratory may be stayed
long enough to allow me to present for
instant action my statesmanlike measure
to raise the salaries and embeIlish the
surroundings of that admirable and ex-
quisite corps OF public servants-the cuti-
| Gle cutters, masseurs, and manipulators
of this great government. No boon ever
given to man transcends his finger nails
In beauty and utility. without nails man
at1h Il fz ltNrf, ~ hi
kers nor his ballot; without nails, woman.
lovely woman, could not
| Mr.. Nolan (Mr. Bynum)-Mr. Speaker
Toastmaster-Mr. Nolan.
| Mr.. Nolan-Mr. Speaker, as a patriotic
and enlightened legislator, I submit for
your enthusiastic acceptance, as an un-
failing remedy for attenuated stipends.
the only perfect panacea ever offered to
despairing humanity. The history of this
great remedy Is more romantic than the
story OF Swamproot, Snake Oil, or Tom
Lawson. Our lamented Col. Sellers would
have given millions for it. Briefly, It is
based on the mystic number 5, and when
a dollar mark is placed in front of It, the
effect upon the worn bodies and tired
brains Of the government workers-and
also the workers Of the government-is
marvellous. In a flash the blood tingles,
| the Imagination Is stirred, pulses throb
| joyously, and men are fred with new
and
Mr.. sisson (Joe scanneD-Mr. Speak
| -Toa oastmaster-Mr. Sisson-
| Mr.. SissonZMr. Speaker, am unalter-
ably and eveHastingly and melodramati-
| caIly opposed to any remedy that fires"
government workers, unless per adven-
ture that be superannuated, and there
fore, as a matter Of course, wholly in
MT Borland cdr. Parsons)-Mr. Speak
Toastnaster-Mr. Borland.
| Mr., Borland-Mr. Speaker, I ask your
careful observance of me while I shake
this Capitol-aye, even the nation Itself
to its foundation by my impassoned
pleas for the tax payers of the country.
NV voice is still for an increase, a sub
stantial increase, not a Woolworth and
10 cent increase, nor a tainted-money in
crease, but an increase that brings Joy
and health to the honest worker. Labor
Is mans greatest joy, and when we in
crease mans labor we increase his Joy.
This profound reasoning, by the way, is
not copyrighted To limit man to seven
hours Of Joyous. vibrant, glorious activ-
ity each day when We could Just as cas-
fly make It eight happy hours, or even
ten. is to fail in the first duty of be-
lnien and befudged government.
By giving to our employees a workday
of eight gladsome hours we will
Mr.. Fitzgerald (Mr. Kidd)-Mr. Speak
err
Toastmaster-Mr. Fitzgerald.
Mr.. Fitzgerald-Mr. Speaker, II we
would meet and subdue old high cost of
living. let US attack where its hand rests
heaviest-right up here in the Capitol on
the hill. Working men IN all ages have
managed to waddle along fairly we'll
not so with Congressman. So I say let
us be Just; then, II there is anything left,
we can perhaps be generous during the
next half century and increase the pay
of the government clerks one-half of one
per cent. Therefore, Mr.. Speaker. as a
substitute for the whole ask unanimous
consent for the present consideration Of
my most meritorious measure OH. r.
1890, a bill directing the clerk of the
House to felicitate all government en-
ployes, but to increase the compensation
of members and their secretaries 1918
per centum, and for no other purposes.
ask for the yeas and nays.
Toastmaster-The yeas have IT, The bill
is passed unanimously.