The Butler weekly times. (Butler, Mo.) 1881-1918, 1917-07-05
SUNBEAMS
O, Hello, people, I
~@ feel better today
~ than / did yesterday
but not quite so
]~well as l did the

day before. However, here am.
Oh, yes, l guess I'm the worst writer
man that ever came down the pike.
seem to be goin' from bad to worse
and from there to Rich Hill. I'm
nearly as bad as a local editor who
can't write up the sacred rites. of a
matrimonial affair without gettin'
balled up with incubator" and SIGH,
Half the world don't know how the
other half lives and begob it's good
thing they don't. If my neighbor
fares sumptuously on loin steak and
brown gravy with mushrooms on the
side while am compelled TO stuff
my pale hide with corned beef and
cabbage (n,inus the beef would it
add to my pleasure? Not none a-tall.
Where ignorance is bliss. etc, that's
what say. -.
know that Solomon wasn't much
Of traveller, but I didn't know why
until yesterday. You see, aside from
the ordinary packing of his wardrobe
for a trip "Sol" had about ten thous-
and wives and he had to~kiss all of
'em good bye, and by the time he
had performed this ceremony he had
no taste left for travel nor for any
thing else much I opine. Ten thous-
and-Holy Mackerel!
I told you once before there's moth
ing in a name. | once knew a man
named Straight and he was the
crookedest man l ever saw. Then
had friend named "Short" and he
was as long as from here to Alaska.
Also there was Greene" who was
the smartest fellow l ever met. No,
sir, there's nothing in name.
wish | were an editor. really
do, indeed, because I think an editor
land Bob Allen of The Times says
it's true) has every thing he needs.
I'm gettin' to be the most backward
fellow you ever see. How so?' do
you ask? Well, you see bein' men,
Der of The Times staff (of crooks)
am about the office a good bit and
do you know every blamed thing in
the place is done backward and as |
learn very quickly I've got the habit.
l eat backward, walk backward, get
in and out of bed backward, l am
backward about goin' forward and at
times when peeved) l talk back
ward.
Dry? Well. yes and hot. 0, for
good old rain. Why it's so hot and
dry actually I am afraid to take a
drink OF cold water-you know it's
not safe to pour cold water into a
hot boiler-might explode. It's so
dry that saw wagon runnin'
around the other day with its tongue
out. l sho' did. Yessir
I know it's quite useless for me to
try to make folks over Most of EN-,
was spoiled in the maxim If sense
of humor is lacking it's no sort of
use trying to make sunny man out
of a crouch, so l shall confine my
stunts to those who appreciate a
good thing No use to try to enter
tain folks who can't see the point of
joke until three weeks later.
The shortage of pearl buttons is
attributed to small crop of clans.
Well, by golly, notice about as
many clans around as usual. Any
way can't see why that should af-
feet the supply OF buttons. There
are still plenty of Angoras left.
They say that clothes don't make
a man, but that clothes cover o-Ioths
of a man. Neither do clothes make
a woman and in good many cases
don't cover more than 4-sths of her
either. Don't believe that, Ell? Well,
take look.
A fellow wanted to go up in an
airplane to note the effect of flying
on his nerves. Well, he found out
and may telephone us later. The ma
chine struck the ground head on and
he was Immediately dead.
Birds eat and digest 80 times as
much food in proportion to their size
as man. So it is said. l dunno.
But I doubt it. O. course. can't