Charlevoix county herald. (East Jordan, Mich.) 189?-1953, 1917-08-31
SAYS HE'LL DIE IF
SENT TO THEFRoNT
Honest Stacker Admits That
He Has a Streak Of yellow.
TUMULTY GIVES GOOD ADVICE

Go to Any Extreme TO Get into the
Army-Soms Humor Relieves the
Tension at National Capital.
Washington, worried by war and
weather, pacifsts and prohibitionists.
contractors and conscripts, slackers and
suffra gists, aviators and alarmists,
food and firearms, loans and liabilities,
taxation and talk, the cabinet and con-
gress, has not enjoyed a good laugh in
a long time, or, rather, felt in the
mood of indulging in one. Here and
there. however, the development of war
preparations has brought to the surface
incidents that show that American hui
NOR is not to be suppressed, even by
grim visaged war.
There Is, for instance, the case OF
young Mr.. ", who took his troubles to
the White House and related them al,
most tearfully to Mr.. Tumulty, the sec.
rotary to the president. 81
81 am a Stacker, Mr.. Tumulty, and
just can't help It," said young Mr.. X.
II can't fight, and / know 1t. 1t isn't
here" pointing to his heart. Il couldn't
hold gun I'm hand and shoot a man,
and would run like the dickens IL any
body shot at me. II they grab me and
put me in trench l will just die.
that's all there is to it."
Has Been Drafted. t..
Have you been draftedY asked the
presidents secretary, with solicitude.
ha ell
land I've got feeling that they're
going to nail me-"
"Oh, wouldn't be too sure about
that" said Mr.. Tumulty consolingly.
"You look to me to be little bit under
the prescribed height"
"No; that's where my hard luck
comes again." said young Mr.. Y. dole
fully. I'm just half inch over"
"Oh, well, they'll find something the
matter with you" treasured Mr.. Tumul-
ty. How about your general health"
mot a chance" mournfully said the
honest Stacker, wiping perspiration
from his brow. "My health is fine.
Honest, Mr.. Tumulty, there amt a
thing the matter with me except I am
L Il
wake up I'm the middle of the night
and see myself under a pile Of dead
men, with the cannon blatting all
around and every bullet coming my
way. 1t isn't that don't want to be
soldier. but l just haven't got the
goods; that's ALL" p"
"Well, what do you want me to do?
asked Mr.. Tumulty.
II don't know. / just want you to
get me out of 1t some way. l thought
maybe you could drop 'em note tell
ing 'em to stick me in some place.
counting cans of beans or signalling up
in the Rocky mountains or something
like that so long as it's as far away
from the firing line as possible. just
can't fight and I know It,"
Mr.. Tumulty's Advice.
"Well, I'll tell you what you do" adj
vised the presidents secretary. "Just
write frank statement of your case
to the exemption board Of your district
and they'll let you Off"
"No; don't want to do that" remon-
strated young Mr. X. Because IL j
do all the boys and girls l know will
get on and hand me something worse
than the kaiser's bullets. | thought
maybe you had place around here
handy that | could Gil. How about
running errands for the president or
doing something like that. where I'd be
safe?" %
The case of young Mr.. +. of an Ohio
town furnishes study in military
psychology. He applied for admission
to the training camp for reserve off,
GERS because he looked well i'm uni
form" and some of his girl friends
dared him to get into the army" He
got in and Is I'm a fair way OF being
promoted to the grade of first lieuten-
ant.
Less than months discipline, how
ever, has taken all the martial spirit
out of him, and for three weeks he has
been pleading to officials of the govern
ment by telegraph and letter for per-
mission to quit. The report of his, SUI
perior declares that he is fitted in ev-
cry way to be suitable officer, and the
indications are that he will continue to
look well i'm uniform"
The case OF Mr.. X, who comes from
family of fighting Irish" shows that
he has inherited the spirit of his tribe.
Starting nearly four months ago, young
Mr.. X, whose home is I'm Massachu-
sets, has been turned down by the ma
rine corps, the army officers reserve
corps, the aviation sections OF both the
army and navy, the signal corps, the
quartermaster's division, the Red Cross
and college hospital unit.
The chief objections to the fighting
Irishman are that one Of his lungs Is
bad, his sight is not good, he has yari-
cose veins and has hardening OF the
arteries. All this has been made quite
clear to young Mr.. X. by impartial med
zeal examiners But, bless your heart,
II hasn't discouraged him the least BIT,
and he has been the soul OF OPP
timism, determined TO beat my way
into the game some way" He is will
ing to go anywhere, fight anybody, so
long as he is not compelled to serve in
a British regiment, so strong Is the an
ofanf praft1ioo 40 hts clan