The weekly tribune and the Cape County herald. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1914-1918, 1917-02-22
Col. Matt Chirps
on rice Of Food
And [ alkof War
Goosebone Prophet Would
Hang Those Who Tamper
With Cost of Steak-Out-
lines Note He Wanted Sent
to Belliserents.

Il see Wilson has started a rumpus
over the high cost of living" remarked
Col. Matt Morrison, the goosebone
prophet, as he entered The Tribune
Office to predict fair weather for to-
day. Nov wouldn't that sinI, YOUR
cork? Everytime l read q story about
one of them Investigations l feel like
calling the police.
We no sooner find that some Teller
has been grating in eggs until some
one busts loose and grabs all the DO
tatoes in the world. If the Govern
ment don't quit this here inves:igat-
ing and hang some of these crooks
who are always talin' charge of the
food market, why damned if | don't
believe we'll all be eatin' each other
before long.
"Two-bits worth of meat ought to
be plenty for breakfast at my house.
but if | went into butcher shop and
ordered a quarters worth of steak,
somebody would throw spittoon at
me. When | wuz a boy the butchers
would give you a whole cows liver
for your pup, but ! ordered two-bits
worth the other day and they sent me
slice no bigger than postage stamp.
when l hear that President Viii
son is goin' to investigate, feel like
Writin' him a letter and tell him to
go way back and hush. There amt
no use to investigate. Hell's fire. Ev-
erybody knows we're gettin' picked.
What we need is action Hangin' is
the only way to break up these COM
bineS. These whelps ought to be treat
ed like we used to handle horse
thieves
The reporter interrupted the Colonel
with a request that he make a few
remarks concerning the submarine
question, and he readily consented.
"Well I'll Just bet my gizzayd against
plugged dime that them Dutch start
soTethin' with US. Ycu know when l
VIZ boy there WIZ IN expression
That Went somcthin' ike this: IF you
don't want to get grease on YOUR
pants. don't get too close to the band
wagon Now I'm afraid Wilson has
done it.
IF I had been President when them
European rulers got fresh with one
another and started the fight, Id sent
but one note and this is what I'd told
EN-: You damn fools started this war
on your own hook. Now YOU can't
buy nothir' over here, and want to
tell You right row to keep Of my dung
hill
"Wilson made mistake when he
began writin' them long letters. The
first thing we hear. one of them Dutch
submarines will bob up at New York
and take the town. I look for this
most any day now. I'm afraid our
navy will sink if it gets away from the
bank.
at looks like can't pick up a paper
without noticih' story about one of
our warships goin' down. 1t looks TO
me~1ike the navy is tiyin' to float our
ships without rluggin' up all the
holes"
Before the Colonel concluded his
conversation. he said he wanted to |
ask the readers Of The Tribune this |
question: How does 4 laying hen cut |
off everytime the weather changes? |
In his study of hens, he says, he has
discovered that one can lay every day
while the weather Is warm, but stops |
the morning that the thermometer
registers zero. Glow does she turn
off without Dustin something?" is the
exact wording of Colonel Morrison's