The Lakeland evening telegram., 1917-06-25
A Philosophers
Application For a
Wife
By ELlNOR MARSH

Albert ST. Clair was a philosopher
He was born in America, but Of Eng
ish parents. He had papers to show
that he was of good stock, but had
never examined them. He believed all
men to be development of the ape.
st. Clair fell in love with a girl, who
reciprocated. He didn't talk about
man and woman having descended
from apes. He talked the language of
love. After he had proposed Laura
Hilton-that was the girls name-sent
him to her father for an answer.
II shall have to know more about
you before | can give my consent"
said Mr. Hilton. "To what family do
you belong and what is your income?'
II belong to the human family, and
my income is $1,000 year. The prin-
cipal was earned by lecturing ON man
and his ancestors"
THAT is barely sufficient to lodge
and feed yourself and wife You
would have nothing for clothes and In
cidental expenses"
Clothes are simply the covering Of
the lower animals which are trans
formed to man. What he does not get
this way he derives from the vegetable
kingdom. The sheep clothes him and
his wife. She wears rat skins on her
hands and sticks an ostrich feather In
her hat. Her stockings when she Is
much dressed are the eXcresCence of
worms"
Nevertheless you will find 1t incon
venient to get on without these arti
cles. How about your family connec,
tions2"
Family connections are of no more
importance In man than any other ami
NAL Indeed, the family connections
Of horse are much more important
than those Of man. A racing sire
and dam are important, because swift
ness Of foot Is inherited. In man
swiftness Of foot is of no importance
What IL of importance In him is intel
lect But intellectual man seldom
marries intellectual woman, and If he
does the children are liable to be only
fools"
That is all very well, but my daugh
ter has associated with refined per-
sons. II her husbands relatives are
coarse she will not get ON with them"
What Is refinement but a conceal
ment Of our brute instincts2 Pigs eat;
| so does man. Pigs put the fore feet I'm
the trough; man sits at table and
eats with knife and fork. The worst
thing about him is that he eats the
pig, which is the dirtiest of all ami
mails. Man cannot get rid Of his brute
nature; he can only cover it over with
q thin coat of veneer"
THAT veneer is essential to our hap
piness My daughter has associated
with those who eat the daintiest food,
wear the richest fabrics and Orna
mcnts. Surely you cannot supply her
with jewes?'
Nothing marks the barbarian more
plainly than ornamentation Of the
! body. The most barbarOus woman
wears necklaces and ear and lip rings
OF teeth or bone or metal The most
refined woman wears stones and
metals"
"One with such ideas as yours is not
apt to have much respect for the
sacred ceremony Of marriage"
Marriage draws man away from his
native state, the state Of other ami.
mails. Four footed brides and grooms
do not trouble themselves about each
others relatives and other detriments
to a hearty progeny. II a strong and
healthy man who eats with his knife
desires to marry a strong and healthy
woman who eats with her fork her
relatives will defeat the union IL they
can But II she desires to marry
living skeleton Of birth and breeding
they are delighted with the match"
'Mr, st. Clair. l have listened to your
statement of reasons why you should
be permitted to marry my daughter
and am forced to admit that, while as
reasons they are worthless, there are
truths In them. Nevertheless l con.
slider you the biggest fool | ever met
But, as you have said, intellect Is not
so liable to be inherited as strength,
the intellectual man seldom marrying
the intellectual woman, or vice versa,
therefore IL you are a king or a prince
or even a nobleman, with large wealth,
you may be my son-in-law; II not,
forbid the banns"
Nothing remains" said St. Clair,
bowling himself out, "but to look into
my pedigree and learn whether any
Of my family, In whom l have never
taken the slightest interest, have left
me any money"
Later he returned to Mr. Hilton and
ssid: