The Washington herald., 1917-03-05
A Letter to the Kaiser

The following letter IL reprinted from
the New Republic:
Dear Kaiser: I though I'd take my pen
IN hand to let you know that We are all
well and doing considerable thinking and
hope you are the same.
have never seen a palace, nor the
Rhine. except in pictures, but perhaps
you have not seen picture Of the Des
PLANES River and our little village on its
banks IT is a quiet, unpretentious place,
without Ia tower or lookout In 1t. unless
you would count house chimneys and
church spires1as such. and the Des PLANES
is bordered by corn fields instead of cas-
ties. We haven't any kings here and only
social queen or two, but we all are
monarchs Of our homes, with the latest
phonograph records In the parlor and
an automobile of some kind or other in
the barn. We have no royal Golfers but
our bins are filled with coal and our pan
tries stocked with food. We have no
great affairs Of state, but we manage to
get along with simple pleasures. In sum-
mer we motor through such ordinary
scenery as We have, and in winter go into
Chicago to see New York's newest comedy
success. And all the year round. we
listen to the tinkle of the church bells on
Sunday; hang up our washings on Mon
day: go see our little Willies In the
school entertainment on Tuesday; eat .
church suppet on Wednesday; give a
luncheon on Thursday; send q glass Of
jelly to the poor on Friday; give party
to ourselves on Saturday, and listen to
the church bells tinkle again on Sunday.
In short. Kaiser, you'll see for your
self that we're comfortable, Just real COM
Portable. Now what 1 wanted to ask you
about Is this: when we were SO comfort
able. all set and snug, why did you raise
such a rumpus that you disturb us. even
us, all this distance away, peaceful, con-
tented village on the Des PLANES.
War! War! wh-why should II touch
US? We haven't done a thing. away
of here by ourselves. Wh-why. we
don't even live in Chicago. where they
have strikes and foreigners and>tene-
ments and germs and things. We came
out here, ,purposely. to leave all those
horrid things behind. Wh-why. war
is the last thing we ever thought
hand. War! War! And besides, we
don't know . thing about 1t. All I
ever knew Is what I learned In dull
history books at school and some in
teresting stories I've heard grand
mother tell about the civil war. I
hung grandfather's sword in the boys
room. because 1t looks kind of nice
along with the pennants and things.
but certainly didn't mean to engen-
der any martial Spirit why, when
my lover threatened to go down to
Cuba to fight the Spaniards because
was going West for the summer, I
nearly cried my eyes out until he
promised he wouldn't So you see how
I feel about bloodshed and carnage
and all that!
And all the women in our village
are just like me. We have literary
clubs, card clubs, guilds, aid societies.
and various other little local uplifts,
but don't believe any OF them have
ever thought much about whether you
should have an outlet to the warm
waters or not. or that you needed
moro room to grow in We haven't
bothered about Austria, or Poland. or
Britannia on the high seas Russia
has been less known to us than India.
because our foreign society sends
missionary to the Hindus and We get