Ladysmith news-budget. [volume] (Ladysmith, Rusk County, Wis.) 1907-1927, 1917-12-28
Kaiser Answers Satan
Bill Writes the Devil Accepting
the job of Running Hell and
Shows the Reason Why.


The following letter is Kaiser Bill
reply to Lucifer HI. Satan's letter
printed in the News-Budget in which
the devil abdicated the throne of hell
in Bills favor. Bill accepts the job.
Royal Palace. Berlin
My Dear Lucifer:
Your kindly letter received and it's
contents noted. Indeed, my dear Sa-
tan, you flatter me, but l cannot help
but feel that all your praise is not mis-
placed.
| I will tell you frankly | was little
incensed when you compared me with
Nero TO my mind Nero was a piker.
But on second thought | realize that
he did not possess the many advantages
| do for carrying on his devilish work.
He had no guns that would shoot for
20 miles he had no gas; never had the
opportunity TO drop bombs on school
houses and kill little children he could
not send his ayiators over towns and
drop poisoned candy for the children
to eat he did not have submarines by
which he could sink passenger ships
and kill hundreds of women and babies
| Taking all this into consideration, ]
think that Nero did pretty well, con-
sidering the disadvantages under which
| he worked. If had lived in tlrOse days
do not know as | could have improved
on his methods of raising hell, al
though some of it looks crude to us
now with our refined cruelties.
Nero simply murdered his mother in
cold blood; | made mine suffer in the
agony of a broken heart before death
relieved her sufferings
| / thank you from the bottom of my
heart for your gifts to me. My abnor
NAL ambition has made me the most
hated man in the world. 1t has sent
my great armies sweeping through
villages, bent OH murder, rapine and
arson. 1t has made million widows,
and has made a million mothers child
less. 1t has produced an army of
million men manned, without arms,
without legs and without sight 1t has
bereft some of their reason and they
will go through life with their minds a
blank it has robbed, thousands of
women of their virtue, and has brought
thousands into my realms as slaves.
My crime is coupled with curses in ev-
cry cline.
Until now | have always cursed the
fate which left me with a withered
arm, but | now discern your inscruta-
bic wisdom. Without that | might
have had human instincts which would
Interfere with my ambitions, and
might have made me show Semblance
of pity as l saw the result of my fiend-
ish work Without that twist in my
moral makeup | might have told my
generals to treat the Belgians with
mercy and pity and might have told
Won Tirpitz to order his submarine
commanders not to sink ships without
warning and to give passengers a
chance to save themselves.
Indeed my dear MephistO, | share
with you a hatred for all things Eng
lish. 1t was England that stopped my
prevented me from cOnquering the
world and making all nations my
vassals. 1t was England that has in
terfered with my plans; that has taught
savage peoples Christianity and the
love of their felhOwmen, while | have
hearts and make them fiends in human
form.
My hatred for England is only ex-
ceeded by my haterd for America
Had it not been for that country all
Europe would have been helpless at
my feet long ago Shells made with
American money killed my soldiers and
for this / can never forgive America.
SO the secret is out You hint that
had a hand in the Sarajevo assassi
nation. / flattered myself that / had
kept this covered up and no one would
Well, it is all right, I suppose. You
inspired it in me, and have right to
share in the secret You will have to
admit that it was clever of me to be on
my yacht at the time of the aSsaSsina
ton 1t was a pretty clever alibi.
Your words of praise over my sub
marine warfare please me. | flatter
myself that you could do not better
My trusted officers have described to
me the death struggles of the women
and babies as a submarine sent them
to eternity. 1t pleased me much and