davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24
SIGNAL VICTORY FOR GOVERN
MENT WORKERS

II was unbelievable that Congress
could ignore the clear case made by
the Government employees who asked
for an increase in pay. 1t was un-
believable that the Senate could be
blind to the simple social justice of
giving Uncle Sans workers some
semblance of living wage. 1t was
unbelievable that a group of law
makers and business men could fly
in the face Of demands for higher
efficiency and better organization Of
the departments, which the raise en-
tails.
The action of the Senate in pass
ing the Smoot amendment is not so
significant for the content of that
measure, as for the promise it gives
of more equitable distribution of in
creases to come. 1t indicates the
temper of the upper house in respect
to Government employees pay. Few
members would maintain that the
sort of a blanket increase proposed,
either in the House bill or the Smoot
amendment, is a permanent solution
of the problem. But the increases
help tide the employees over the pc
riod it will take Congress to get
facts for a comprehensive and salts
factory readjustment of an anti
quated wage scale more than half a
century old.
The fact that the Senate possessed
the wisdom and courage to overturn
committees recommendations is a
victory for the clerks, whatever else
may be done about the legislation.
The Times, in common with other
newspapers, trade bodies, and civic
organizations, has championed the
cause of the clerks. But whatever
congratulations are in order must go
first to the clerks, who after years of
scattered and unorganized efforts,
formed a concerted attack, with able
leaders, and demonstrated most sat
isfactorily that Congress is apt to
help those who help themselves.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24
TO LECTURE ON WAR
Anthony League to Hear War Cor
respondent Tomorrow Night.

Lafayette Young. war correspon-
dent, editor and a former Senator,
will speak on Five Months in the
European War Zone" tomorrow night
at s o'clock before members and
friends of the Anthony League, at the
headquarters of the National Ameri-
can woman's Suffrage Association.
1926 Rhode Island avenue northwest.
Mr.. Young has served extensively
as a war correspondent with Ameri-
can troops in Cuba, with the Serbian
armies in the Balkans, and for fivs
months with the German and French
armies on the western front
He probably will have some inter
esting experiences to relate. Once
when he was in Austria, he was ar.
rested on suspicion of being a spy, the
suspicion arising because Of HE
French Christian name. Lafayette
Anna +. Hendley. president OF the
Anthony League, will preside at to-
morrow nights meeting.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24

the distemper spread to Washington
and the rest of the country? If
church property cannot be used for
other than distinctively religious
purposes, what is to become of the
dear old hot suppers that have
caused many conversion to the bet
ter cooking at home? If concerts
can be given in the churches, why
not dancing? If dancing. why not
bridge parties for the ladies'? And
if bridge parties for the ladies, why
not certain stated nights for the
great American game for the men,
and let the well-known Kitty pay
the taxes,
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24
THE cHlLUREN'S BUREAU

This Government is preparing to
spend thousands more this year in
fighting disease among cattle, in pro-
tecting animal life of all sorts, and in
checking the ravages of parasites
upon fruits and vegetables.
Each year there is, a struggle in
Congress to get the pitifully small
appropriation needed to carry on the
modest work of the Children's Blu
reau. This session it is charged that
members of Congress are seeking
to cripple the bureaus efforts. Al
ready the amount asked for has been
slashed in committee.
Is Congress really going to i'm
pede a work that means the con-
servation of child life? Is the
country more interested in preserv-
ing its timber, its cattle, and its
vegetation, than its future citizens?
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24
LEST WE FORGET

With the sounding of taps for
George Dewey it is well enough for
Americans to remember the incident
created by Won Diederichs, COM
mander of the German Asiatic fleet
at Manila bay, and the Kaiser's SUBJ
sequent remark that had his sea
power been stronger at that time he
would not have lost the opportunity
''to pluck Uncle Sam by the beard"
The American ship of state has not
sailed thus far in safety because the
seas through which it has passed
have been always smooth.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24
The Mantle of O. Henry.

You all do know this mantle.
1 remember the first tine Sidney Por.
ter put 1t on;
Twas on a certain evening In his
room.
That day he got check from Lori.
mer.
See! here's the corner Edna Ferber
got!
And here's the piece that covers Fan
ME Hurst!
Let's give a bit to Katherine Gerould;
And still there'lI be enough to make a
Aye. and en- opera cloak and several
waists
For Ella Wilcox, Margaret Deland,
Gene Stratton Porter, Grace Mac
Gowan Cooke,
Mary z. wilkins Freeman, Dolly Dix
And sport shirts for Don Marquis
and myself!
Freeman Tilden.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24
MASONIC VETERANS
ATANNUAL DINNER
Rear Admiral Baird and Con-
gresham Roberts Tell of
Navy and Its Needs.

A history OF the United States Navy
for the last 100 years was given by
Rear Admiral George w. Baird. and
the need OF greater navy was told
by Congressman Ernest w. Roberts.
or Massachusetts,. at the thirty-ninth
annual dinner OF the Masonic Vet
Grams Association of the District. At
the New Ebbitt last night.
The association Is made up of men
who have worn Masonic emblems for
at least twenty-one years.
Other speakers were Grand Master
James w. Witten. William Mohr.
president Of the Masonic Veterans
Association OF Maryland; Simon Wolf,
senior past president of the local or
ganization: the Rev. U. @. B. Pierce,
and Third Assistant Postmaster Gen.
eral Alexander NJ. Dockery.
speeialties ON Program.
The program Of entertainment was
interspersed with a number of speci-
alties. Piano selections were given
by Edward Z. Muth. and Herndon T.
MorseH gave vocal solos. REGULATIONS
were given by Mark Z. Kahn; vocal
solos sung by Charles F. Roberts. and
humorous monologues by Otto
Woerner.
New members were elected at the
dinner. as follows: Joseph Trimble
Hough, Orlando d. Sunny, Harry
Brook Cramer, ]. s. Smith, william F.
Ford, Rear Admiral Franklin ]. Drake
and Judge Raymond Lorenz.
The entertainment committee was
composed Of ]. Harry Cunningham,
chairman: Samuel Hart. and William
w. Germane.
Officers Of Association.
The officers of characterization are:
President. Charles B. Bayly; first wee
president, Alexander Grant; second
vice president. Charles z. Baldwin ;
secretary Albert II. Van Deusen;
treasurer, James A. Wetmore; aim n
er, Albert C. Floyd; chaplain. James
H. Mcintosh: marshal, Louis d. Car
man: .tiler, William H. H. Gould, and
necrologist. Henry K. Simpson.
Among the invited guests were
Lem Towers. jr. r. z. grand COM
mander knights Templar; George F.
Corson. William Mohr, James w.
Written, grand master; Charles B.
Bayly. president of the association;
Alexander Grant. past grand master,
and the Rev. u. @. B. Pierce, William
d. Cunningham, Representative E.
w. Roberts. Third Assistant Postmas-
ter General A. N. Dockery. Rear Ad-
miral Franklin J. Drake. John @. Ora
ham, Elmer H Haas. Charles A Gold
smith, William a. Bornheim, Frank
Thiel, william +. Gross. Willard F.
Lord. Judge Raymond L7renz. Leroy
Birch and George J. Mueller. jr.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24
FATHER FAILS AGAIN.

FATHER FAILS AGAIN.
Sir: Did you ever watch the Bright
Young Man father has picked out as
the Man with a Future and invited
home for dinner?
The B. Y. NJ has read somewhere In
his youth that B. Y. Men are supposed
to fall in love with and marry the
Boss daughter And he sits and
stares at her, nervous as the dickens
because he can't decide which Is
worse; losing his job, or following
precedent.
And the daughter plays the tune
she knows on the piano, and wonders
What ever possessed father to bring
that around hereT Moran.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24
Tomorrow,

Lecture, Decorative Art" Frank Alvah Par
sons, before Household Arts Club, Miner
Normal School, p. m.
Program, dramatic committee OF the Arts
Club, In headquarters, p. m
Address. Five Months IN the European
War" former Senator Lafayette Young, be-
fore Anthony League, 1925 Rhode Island
avenue northwest. p. m.
Address, Some Thoughts Relative to Wal. -
John d. Bradley. before Young Peoples
Socialist League, Sn Z street northwest, s
Lecture. THE Vibrations for the Year 1871. -
Miss Louise Cults Powell, Hotel Portland,
D. m.
Special meeting. Park View Citizens Asso-
citation. to prepare for reception to Presi-
dent Wilson, Park View School assembly
hall. $50 p. m.
memory OF Burns birthday anniversary,
New Willard. p. m.
Address, Jewish Language" Reuben Fink,
Y. W. H. A, 1880 Tenth street northwest,
Celebration Of Burns birthday anniversary.
Caledonian Club. Schneider's Hall, Eighth
and d streets northwest, p. m.
Meeting, Congress Of Constructive Patriotism,
under auspices Of the National Security
League, New Willard. afternoon and even
Lecture, Omitted States Banks" Milton C.
Elliot. before American Institute Of Bank
Dance. Social Club Of the Hebrew Home
for the Aged, AIS N street northwest, p
Dance. B. p. o. F.. Elks' Hall. p. m.
Free organ recital, Lewis Atwater, under the
auspices OF the Society OF the Fine Arts.
st. Johns Church, Lafayette Square, 4:4S
Lecture. The Beauties and Advantages of
the Study OF the Fine and Applied Arts,
Both for Personal aSd Professional Use, %
Frank Alvah Parsons, National School OF
Fine and Applied Arts, 1850 p. m.
Masonic-New Jerusalem, No 3; George C..
Whiting, No. %; Temple-Noyss, No. y, NJ.
NJ.
Royal Arch Chapters-Washington, No. 2.
Grotto-Kallipolis, No. Is.
Eastern Star-william +. Hunt, No. Is.
Odd Fellows-Excelsior, No. II; Salem, No.
20: Columbia, No. I: Covenant, No. -.
Red Men-Logan, No. s; Sioux, No Is.
National Union-Bancroft Council, No. ass;
Dahlgren Council, No. 1oo5.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24

Further postponement OF the reas-
sembly of the Duma is announced.
These Russian Legislators are relieved
of. worries about extra sessions. any
way
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24
SAYS SCHOOLS ASK BEAUTY.

CHICAGO. Jan. 24.-Youth, beauty
and ''shape'-not, brains-are re-
quired to get a position in ChicagoI
high schools, according to Mrs. Flor
ence Vosbrink. She charges princf
Queer picks chogus.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24

1t took a long. time for the high
cost of living to affect the plutocratic
classes. But now the walters are be-
ginning TO complain OF a falling OF
in tips.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24

Money IL not everything in life
so don't corrupt the morals
of others by letting them get yours.
or retain theirs.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24
The Pork Bills.

The Pork Bills.
The present Congress will make
appropriations amounting to over
two billion dollars. and 1T would be
nothing short OF criminal Tor Con-
gress to provide for the expenditure
OF forty or fifty million dollars for
rivers and harbors and public build
ings In no way necessary to the
transaction OF the business of the
country. TO the extent that the ap-
propriations contained in this bill, :"
said Mr.. Cleveland. twenty years ago,
ARE instigated by private interests
and promote local or individual prof.
ects, their allowance cannot fail 10
stimulate a vicious paternalism and
encourage a sentiment among our
people. already too prevalent. that
their attachment to our Government
may rest upon the hope and expecta-
tion of direct and especial favors and
that the extent to which they are re-
allied may furnish an estimate of the
value OF governmental care. be-
lieve no greater danger confronts US
as a nation than the unhappy de-
cadence among our people of genuine
and trustworthy love and affection
for our Government as the embodi-
ment of the highest and best aspira-
lions OF humanity. and not as the
is the enforcement of exact Justice
and equality. and not the allowance
OF Unfair favoritism."
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24

We always knew Mr.. Calory could
put 1t across with the help of a good
press agent.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24
Tribute to Mans Friend.

"a proverb in the time OF st. Ber-
nard was: 'Quie me amat, amet ct
canem meum' ('who loves me will
love. my dog alsoO. This Is exactly
how the proverb reads in the book.
and II Is true. Whether the owner be
the man on the throne or the tramp
in the road, the dog Is the best of
his friends, whether the dog be cur
or hunter OF high degree. In one of
the most famous cases Senator Vest
of Missouri ever tried before a Jury
he paid a wonderful tribute to this
humble friend OF man, and to this day
men write to the Senator's son for
copies of his fathers tribute, which
has become a classic. Some years ago
another dog died in one OF the South
ern towns, and his owner. who hap
pened to be the editor OF a newspa-'
per, paid this tribute in the editorial
columns to joe"
"Joe was a dog, but he was far
more. He was his masters friend
and companion. Whether the hour
was early or late, or the weather hot
or cold, in calm and storm, in rain
and sunshine, night and day, he wait
ed for the familiar footstep, and gave
an honest welcome. He could not
speak, but his heart was in his dark
brown eyes, and in the wag OF his
graceful tail there was more eIo-
quence by far than could be expressed
in any spoken tongue.
HE was far better than his fell
lows, for he came of aristocratic
stock. His strain was perfect on both
sides and his blood showed in every
curve of his beautiful body, in the
poIse OF his princely head, I'm the
sweep Of his splendid brush, In the
glory OF the sunlight which had been
caught in his silken coat. He was
a dog, but he was a gentleman. He
gave offense to no one; he was ad-
mired by all. His manners were
charming, his disposition perfect. He
was the delight OF women and little
children, and his master loved him
he was so beautiful, SO patient, so
faithful, so true"
The friendship between a man and
his dog Is as old as the human race.
When Tobias was going down into
Media with the angel Raphael, his
father Tobit, the prophet, said: "Go
thou with this man. and God, which
dwelleth in heaven, prosper your
tourney, and the angel of God keep
you company" and the narrative
reads: so they went forth both,
and the young mans dog with them"
THE COMMENTATOR.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24

You can always Judge a man by the
way children act with him
they love a Ioafer with nothing to do
but amuse them.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24

II DR.. Grdyson Is acceptable TO von
BernstorD as Rear Admiral there
is no reason t1hy any one else should
WORRY over the promotion.
DON MARQUIS.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24

GERMAN SCIENTIST DRAWING BLOOD
FROM AN AsTONIsHED TURNIP.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24

No man need starve in America
but some do 1t; from a morbid
idea of amusement, no doubt.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24
Our own Favorite PIatItudes.

Mekness, self-effacement. modesty.
unfiagging labor in the service OF
others are certain of their reward
the neighbors are sure to say
nice things to ones widow.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24
WHAT'S ON PROGRAM
Many interesting Events Of Import.
anee Are Scheduled.
Today.

Nesting, committee on charities and correc-
tons. Washington Board Of Trade, rooms OF
the organization, $50 D. m.
Entertainment. Terminal Y. N. G. A. Or
ehestra, In headquarters, . y. m.
Lecture, European Countries and the Pres
emit War" Nine. Aino MalmberE before
Washington branch of the woman's Peace
Party. At residence Of Mrs. W. Thompson
Burch. 1877 Connecticut avenue northwest,
Address, why Worry With Art?" H.
Granville Barker, before Washington So
ciety Of the Fine Arts, New National
Museum auditorium, Sis p. m.
Concert United States Soldiers Home Or
chestra, Stanley Hall, $50 D. m.
Banquet, Department Of the District Of Co
lumbia, U. s. W. ", New Willard. 7:ao
Lecture, The Effect Of the European War
on Woman Suffrage" Mrs. Ida Hustled
Harper. at headquarters, National Ameri-
can Woman Suffrage Association, .1ses
Rhode Island avenue northwest, II a.. m.
Child labor day meeting, Young Mems He
brew Association ,vestry rooms Of the
Washington Hebrew Congregation, Eighth
Lecture. Power Plant Operation" before
Washington Association No. l. N. A IS. E.,
12a Rennsylvania avenue northwest, p. m.
Lecture. ''Lifs's Master Positions or Success
tel Portland. p. m
Dance. the Darlings, Tea Cup Inn. D. m.
Meeting. to arrange for celebration Of the
nf;ieth anniversary Of Howard University
Washington Alumni, Rankin Chapel, 7:So
d. m.
Masonic-Harmony. No. II. E. A. Especially.
Knights Templar-waEhington No. I.
Eastern Star-Naomi, No. .: Brookland, No.
II.
Odd Fellows-Eastern, No. Z: Harmony, No.
9; Federal City, No. 20.
Red Men-white Eagle Tribe, No. II: Osceola
No. -: White Eagle Council, No. 4.
knights Of Pythias-ht. Vernon. No. s; Her
miOne, No. L; Union, No. .: Columbia, No.
Rebekab-Mt. Pleasant, No. 8.
Amusements.
National-''The Birth Of n Nation 2:l5 and
Sis p. m
BelRsco-''Experience," 2:l5 and s:l5 p. m.
Keith's-Vaudeville, 2:l5 and Sis p m.
Polis-Thurston, the magician, 2:l5 and SIS
Gayety-Burlesque, 2:15 and Sis D. m.
Loew's Columbia-Motion pictures, 1880 q. m.
10 II p. m.
strand-Photoplays 10 =. m. to 1880 p. m.
Garden-Photoplays, 10 =. m to 11:S0 p. m.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24

Is this leak" inquiry a delayed bit
of "pitiless publicity?"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24

-. NJ. says he is the fellow who
had his salary cut because Of the
increased cost of office commodities,
and his board bill raised because OF
the increased cost of provisions.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24
Don Marquis
Column

President Wilson's Policies seem to
center these days upon the promotions
Of peace aud DR.. Grdyson.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24

Laugh and the world laughs with
you :. unless you are laughing
at the world.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24

Courtesy opens all doors g..
and in rushes the subway mob.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24

ILLUSTRATION NO. WAS DONE
WITH A SETTER sIPHoN.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24

Every boil is worth $40
and sometimes more, to the doctor.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24

A KIND WORD PUTTING oLEoMAR-
GARINE UPON AN OUTRAGED
PARSNIP.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24

You can't fool all the people oil the
time some of them are so
busy fooling themselves.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24

Simple trust in humanity pays
and pays too heavily at times.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24

OUR OWN voRTIcIsT ILLUSTRATIONS
PAINTED WITH VACUUM
CLEANER-NO. I.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24

We all admire an honest doubter
unless he doubts . ;r own pet
belief.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24

VINEGAR CRUET WEEPING BECAUSE
1T HAS NEVER CAUGHT ANY FLIES.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24

A half loaf is better than no bread
unless II has alum in II.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24

One touch OF nature makes the
lions always fight like the deuce.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24

Silence is golden but IL
you hold tours, make an intelligent
noise back OF them.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24
........s...... ......s.

PANEL REPRESENTS BEwILDERED
BIRDS OF A FEATHER TRYING
TO FLOCK SEPARATELY.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24
Here and There
In the News

1t is said that "Bllly" Sunday
saved 60,51O souls during his revival
meeting in Boston, which ran for .
period OF ten weeks. 1t is not known
how many of his converts will hold
out after the excitement of the meet
ings has died away, but IL one in
every hundred will stick, the meeting
was worth all It cost in time and
money. The object OF the revival
was to make better citizens OF the
people Of Boston, "a contamination
devoutly to be wished" and to n.
them for heaven when they die; but
how anybody who has lived In Bos-
ton would be willing to change his
domicile to heaven Is a question the
pundits will have to settle.
Wilson's New Ofnee.
President Wilson is entirely right
in moving his working office to the
Capitol three days in the week. lie
will be near the lawmakers there.
can tell them what to do without
waste of time, counsel them when
they are in doubt and encourage them
to go ahead with their work 80
that the country may be saved the
fearful expense of an extra session.
II IL should be necessary to veto any
of the acts of Congress the President
will be able to deliver his messages
in person and by word Of mouth "hOt
OF the bat" and in every way mis-
presence in the next room will inn
press the Congress that he Is really
ION the job"
Grover CIeVeland's Idea.
There was another man from Jer-
sey in the White House about twenty
years ago who was confronted by ex-
actly the issue now threatening the
President. His name was Grover
Cleveland. Congress had passed a
House bill making appropriations for
construction, repair and preservation
of certain public works on rivers and
harbors. and for other purposes" The
act appropriated for immediate ex-
penditure about $1,000. 900 land au-
thorized contracts calling for over
$62.00O,0oo. Mr., Cleveland said and
everybody. in Congress and through
out the country knew that he meant
It.:
IN view OI Ine ODlIkdIlOn
posed by the Constitution, II seems
to me quite clear that 1 only dis
charge duty to our people when
l tnterpose my disapproval OF the
legislation proposed. Many Of
the objects for which IL appro-
PIRATES public money are not re-
lated to the public welfare. and
many or them are palpably for
the beneht or limited localities or
IN aid of individual interests
1 am convinced that the
bill now under consideration
opens the way to insidious and
increasing abuses and is in itself
so extravagant as to be especially
unsuited to these times of de-
pressed business and resulting
disappointment In Government
revenue. This consideration Is
emphasized by the prospect that
the public Treasury viii be con-
fronted with other appropria tions
made at the present session Of
Congress amounting to more than
$500, 900. 900"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24

VoRTICIsT PANEL. NO. s-DoNE WITH
SHAMPOO MACHINE UPON A
BALD HEAD
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24

There Is always room at the top
and IL is usually filled.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24

This is a sordid. commercial, care
full. unromantic age but the
almshouses are full OF the children
of people who married on nothing
but love.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1917-01-24

A penny saved is a penny earned
but eggs are seven cents