The Springdale news., 1917-06-29
THE PROBLEM SOLVED


CELSIUS offers the following as a solution
Of the submarine trouble This article
came in with his regular weekly items,
but struck the editor as being worthy Of
a position on the page of honor
Nearly everyone has plan to beat
the submarines. Not wanting to be
thought freakish and unusual | beg per-
mission to suggest plan that will make
the i boat as useless to the Kaiser as a
fifth wheel to wheel barrow
Il suggest that a large, non-colapsible
hose be laid beneath the Atlantic on the
ocean floor, from New York to England
Install an enormous pump at this end and
a large steel reservoir at the other Equip
the reservoir with a great number Of rub
Der nippless, also connect the tank with
others in different parts of Great Britain.
Prepare the food on this side in the form
of soup and pump it across into the tanks.
'The British government can issue
tickets, granting permission to the hold
er to connect himself for stated period
at certain times with the aforesaid rubber
nipples
The plan has many eommendable fea-
lures, besides the conveying of nutrinent
to a furnishing belligerent. Not the small
est of these IS the fact that it would pla-
cate the Socialists, owing to its being Ii
der government control and SO evidently
non aristocratic, giving as it would, abso-
lutely the same service to all classes.
Neither could the politicians object to it
as being unconstitutional and unprece-
dented: for it would be the supporting
element Of all constitutions in the en-
pire, and the fact that statesmen of all
nations have been accustomed from time
immemorial to draw sustenance from the
public teat, should give the scheme basis
in precedent that would satisfy the most
critical of legal talent.
"A carping obiector, who would cri-
ticize dollar fresh from the mint, from
sheer force Of habit, has suggested that
the adoption of the method would cause
riots to deYelop on account of the mono
tony of the diet. It can be shown, how
ever, that no fears need be entertained
on that score. For it is well establi-
shed fact, supported by the observations
of scientists of all times, that no culinary
expert has ever been able to concoct two
same consistency and flavor.
L VI HldHy years, dS pIONldCI 1Oi q
large family, | have taken advantage Of
the above elemental and important prin-
ciple. Whenever revolutions were Incl
pient owing to a monotonous ration, |
have instructed the cook to prepare an
abundant bowl of flour gravy, thereby IN
surfing pleasing and surprising variety
of family provender, and effectively calm
ing the Sim Feiners of the household.
"In passing it may be well to observe
that it is with soups and gravies as with
the Irishmans Whiskey: "All are good
but some are better than others
Should the government elect to take
advantage of my plan, | would suggest
appointing John D. ROCKEFELLER as head
of the pipe line commission appointed to
put the enterprise on it's feet. His vast
experience in the transportation OF I'M
guent commodities through subterranean
conduits renders his particularly adapted
to the task imposed. 1t is hoped that the
present administration, as did we'll re-
membered former Democratic admins
tration, may extricate itself from an en-
barrasing dilmena by resorting to the
nourishing and economic soup bowl.
Il will state that | have not patented
either the matter or method as outlined,
but freely offer the same to hungry hu-
mainly, without money and without
price"
CELSIUS"