New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1917-01-21


phone.
The Subway Official was little abashed,
but recovered his composure quickly enough to
reply with the cordiality It was his habit to
use toward Public Service Commissioners.
"Have you luncheon date?" continued the
Devil. "If not, meet me at the Aston in half
an hour; it may be to your advantage
The Traction Expert slammed down the re-
ceiver and hurried out of his Office. There
were seventeen special orders from the Public
Service Commission lying on his desk, but those
could wait In his excitement he forgot to ring
for taxi, and unwittingly plunged into his
own subway And as his destination was over
a mile off he was some fifteen or twenty min
utes late.
He found the Devil sitting impatiently in a
corner at table-for-two, nervousIy lingering
the frnges Of the shaded lamp.
Ginger ales for two" he said TO the waiter
as he saw the Traction Expert approach Just
an appetizer, he explained.
"Now to get down to business" he said, when
the Subway Official was seated. "HelPs been
going TO the dogs lately. That's where you
come in We need some one to put in into its
former shape, keep il up to pitch. I'm getting
old, and the ancient methods don't work any
more. recent arrival who while on this earth
used to travel daily between Dyckman Street
and Brooklyn Bridge recommended you for the
job. Now, you seem to be an intelligent young
man. and I've been hearing lot about you.
In fact, ever since you took charge Of New
York's underground I've been led to regard
you almost in the light Of a competitor. Your
field isn't large; you handle only one generation
of passengers, and all of them and all their
descendants come eventually to US. But you've
done your little job intensively and well.
"Now, before turn over to you the actual
operation of Hades, want TO make sure you
know what we want. We need a little new
blood in the way of torments; all our old stunts,
fire, baths Of blood, eternal dancing, in eternal
whirlwinds, all the stuff recorded by Dante, our
chief publicity agent, has fallen fiat. Espe-
cially with your townsmen. They're all disap-
pointed. They say it doesn't compare with
what they've been accustomed to in their
mortal rush hours. While white-hot fames
play about the soIes of their feet, they laugh
contemptuously and turn up their noses. This
doesn't begin to compare they tell me, with
quarter to six at Grand Centralv We battle
them in blood and mire, and they sigh for the
real thrills of the Brooklyn Express any time
after five. Between them and our visitors
from the trenches, they've made me feel pretty
cheap. Now, what need is something new in
the way of torments. Give me an idea Of the
sort of thing you've been doing"
"Oh, I've only begun" explained the Subway
Official. But | can show you some Of our
minor achievements. A favorite device that's
never failed to create the emotions of rage and
vengefulness in our passengers is the Ninety
sixth Street Seight of Hand Schedule. What
we do is this: A local comes merrily along
down the Broadway Division until it gets
within fifty feet of Ninety-sixth Street. Then
we hold it up gently until we can slip an ex-
press from The Bronx into the station. Then
we hold the express in the station until the
local comes in. But we've got it so accurately
timed that just as the local doors slide open,
the express doors shut. don't think you can
duplicate in your He'll itself the rage and sor-
row on the faces of our local passengers"
Capital exclaimed the Devil as he or
dered two more ginger ales. go oni'
That" exclaimed the Subway Official, ais
just a trife. We don't always tantalize the
locals. It's waste of energy. There's more
material in the expresses, and better quality,
too. Nobody who amounts to anything ever
uses local, except after l in the morning.
when we give them the alternative Of riding
in a local or hiring taxi. Well, the Vanishing
Local stunt always works well On a midday
schedule, of course in the course Of a trip
downtown express passes three or four
locals. But in what is mockingly called the
Rush Hour by our passengers the locals always
fly past the expresses. But, while we've been
doing it for years now, they still believe the
labels.
Then, of course, there are the simple little
games Of skipping stations and running always
just so many trains as will keep the cars up TO
hair rttGhk n.,~ ,o.N. D.. IL