The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1907-1939, 1917-08-06
81 Love the y. s. A. So Well
I'd Rather Stay at Home"

Here are the impressions gathered
by New York reporter at an exemp-
ton board hearing, and as recorded
in the New York World:
Scene: Any exemption board head
quarters.
Time-Yesterday
DRAMATIS PERSONAL: Doctors,
chairman Of the board. clerks, young
men with and without clothes and
newspaper reporters.
TITLE: Love the U. S. A. So Well
I'd Rather Stay at Home.
FIRST YOUNG MAN-This war is
a terrible thing. / am losing a days
work just to come over here and get
exempted from the army.
SECOND YOUNG MAN-The gov
eminent don't know nothing and it
don't do nothing right. Lookit all the
bother it is putting me to. and me suf-
fering with a dislocated wrist that
the medical professors in the country
have been worrying about for two
years. And none Of 'em can fix It..
And, besides. me with weak heart.
FIRST YOUNG MANI have fam
lily to support and -
FIRST NEWSPAPER REPORTER
How many in your family.
FIRST YOUNG MAN-Just wife
so far, but l guess something terri
BILE would happen to her If should
go to war. l would be anxious to go
If it wasn't for her.
FIRST NEWSPAPER REPORTER
How long have you been married
FIRST YOUNG MANI have only
been married three weeks. but
doctors, reporters, etc., laugh.)
FIRST YOUNG MAN-But I was
planning to marry for two years.
Lookit Che reaches his hand into the
pockets Of his trousers just discarded
and fishes out some papers). Here's
my receipts for furniture to prove
was going to be married, anyway.
SECOND YOUNG MAXWELL, may
be you was, maybe you was. But no.
body can say anything criticising
about me. Nobody can say I went
and dislocated my wrist two years ago
just to keep from being a soldier.
(To a doctor) Have l been in a hos
pital? Oh, yes, sir. With my weak
heart-I mean my dislocated wrist,
But my heart is weak, although l
never have had to really go to bed
with it yet.
DOCTOR (writing)-You are sure
your liver isn't yellow, aren't you?
THIRD YOUNG MEN beginning
to shuck his clothes)-It's sort of fool
ish for me to be going through this
examination. I tried every way to
enlist. I was dying to enlist and am
yet. But I always got turned down
on account Of my eyes. They are
dim or something.
DOCTOR-It seems to me there are
lot of you fellows. And it also
seems to me we will look you over,
anyhow.
FOURTH YOUNG MAN-(Wearing
thick eyeglasses, stoop-shouldered,
pigeon-chested, flat-footed, pot-bellied,
ETC., speaks In a weak and somewhat
falsetto voice)-I won't claim exemp-
ton, doctor I think it is every mans
duty to serve his country. I will be
glad to do my bit, doctor.
DOCTOR (wearily, to reporters)--
Blank dash it Can you beat it? It
seems as if those big huskies no soon
er poke their heads inside the door
than they want to know where they
those chaps that haven't chance to
pass the examinations all seem to
want to fight. 1t is over my head.
FIRST VOICE (outside)-I wonder
if they think I haven't got anything
to do but stand around here all day.
A rotten system this is.
SECOND VOICE - They don't
know what they are doing. They tell
you to come around at o'clock in the
morning, and somewhere around mid
night they tell you to come around
again the next day. You would think
man didn't have anything else to
do.
SEVERAL VOICES IN CHORUS
Blank dash it!
CHAIRMAN OF BOARD - Where
are those cards? Why is everything
all mixed up around here? Why can't
anything go right? Where are those