The Washington times., 1917-04-04
WEEKLY COMMENT
OF THE RADIATOR
Frank Discussion of Motor
Matters by The Times Auto
mobile Editor.
BY MONTE w. soHN.

We have about decided to grid our
selves for conflict.
At various times we have result
fered the agony Of review. when the
veteran jokes of other days, headed
by a snicker band. parade BEFORE us
IN naked obviousness.
When the Old Jokes Home misses
q member, the keepers never worry
they have only to seek tho nearest
newsstand to fnd him in the latest
popular humorous weekly or,
humorous weekly.
"Humor-Any malignant eruption due
to a disorder Of the b!oor."-Webster.
But we ramp in wrath when some
specialist of subtlety drags out the
skeletons of early automobile humor.
When we were going to high school
It was fashionable among the gang
TO yell, "Get a horse" But now?
Why the editors OF those admit
tedly funny papers do not own cars,
We cannot say. Nothing, however, is
more obvious to us than this. And
II we were a salesman in town
where a funny paper was published
we would Immediately drive on what
should be a prolific field Of prospects
=. the editors of the joke week
lies. All OF them need education in
motor matters, because the brand of
automobile humor published shows
they are in no wise hampered in their
Judgment of this facetiousness be-
cause they don't know q felloe from
"a hubcap.
Oh, sure we have the
goods.
Ftinstance, there is Puck. Puck's
riband has always read, What fools
these mortals be-"
Lamp the following, culled from
the most recent issue of this fever
tshly funny paper:
DOn'ts for AutomobiIists.
Don't drop lighted matches in
the gasolene tank to find out how
much gasolene you have.
Don't try to put 2 new shoe on
a.moving automobile.
Don't stop to count UP to 100
before. deciding whether or not to
give half OF the road to an ap-
preaching racer.
Don't run over a traffic cop on
Friday.
Don't oil the blades of the fan
In the hood while IL is revolving.
Don't lean out to see whether
you have q flat tire while going
around q corner at forty-fiva
miles per hour.
Don't laugh at the Fords until
you have reached home without a
breakdown.
Don't cross your fingers and ex-
pectorate over your left shoulder
when a black cat runs across the
road In front of you. unless
there's nobody else in the auto
mobile.
Don't run over a ,red-headed
negro driving a white horse, or
anybody else, either.
These scintiIlating specimens are
average. They constitute the batting
average OF the average joke journalist
in the Motor League.
OF course. we may be wrong.
We may have a distorted sense Of
humor.
Our tears may be ill-timed.
And our arraignment may be out
OF alignment.
You, c. R., may have to put a muf-
fler on your risibilities when you
read such unutterably sad stuff. May
be its like, and ha-ha bunk like the
hlIer which folIers, pIucked from an
other garland of josh-Life-giyes
you heaves of merriment.
Us-we are candid enough to con-
cede-it mourns.
Historic Spots, Ancient and Modern.
The Eastern States are dotted
with venerable elms to which
Generals Washington and La
fayette are popularity supposed to
have hitched their horses on vari-
Gus occasions during the Ameri-
can Revolution. II this country is
. forced to repel another invasion
Of it's shores, these ancient land
marks will be overshadowed by
newer and more up-to-date spots
of historic interest, to-wit:
l. The garage in which the
great General Smith left his auto
mobile to be washed Just after the
important battle OF Milwaukee.
.. The glove-cleaning establish
ment where General Jones bought
a quart of gasolene for S1.36, and
by its aid was able to reach the
battle OF Bethlehem in time to re-
pulse the invaders
3. The spot where General
Brown climbed out OF his gallant
sIx-cylInder roadster on his way
70 the battle OF New Haven and
removed a nail from a front tire
with his teeth.
4. The service station at which