davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The evening world., 1917-06-28
BY c. M. Payne
By Bud Counihan

e co. The New York EIslins worldl.
d handsome way and wants 10 know
what horses have got TO do with our
showing our teeth 10 the Germans.
IL rather provokes my goat.
i don't know / says. You intro..
duced the subject OF teeth, not ne.
TO expedite the Joke, might say Won
blt off moro than you could chew,'
y on see, We were getting all tam
gled up in our Jokes. SO 1 SAYS IA
them to order please.
They both took some of the NJ
called roast beef and, oh boy. hovx
they did eat! IL was a case Of foo
much in tho mouth for dialox1ie ToP
while. But when the meat V1es
gone, one OF them says to me: You
amt mad arc your
q" No / says, but you're ldnd Of
an irritant TO me-
he tells me.
Yes chirps the other. "A sort Of
lunch counter irf1tant'
with that they beat II, after me
limiting to them Just where they tot
Lucille went to the kitchen. IJnon
her return she asked: Say, what is
a counter irritant?"
"Ahem" came from the. friendly
patron, looking perplexed. "a oolin.
ter irritant usually means a-a-wsu.
a pretty waitress"
"Gwan, you!' said Lucille. vtHfhlvl
pleased. Don't move now. and TsiI
slip you n couple OF more hunks of
bread and You can plug yourself up
good to-day"
The evening world., 1917-06-28
EARN A kLua PsNNAN1.

n award OF one dollar will be
~ made to Klub members who
mako the best drawings for
their ages The award winners win
be announced and tho FIRST OF the
drawings Will be published Tuesday,
July 2.
A 22-inch felt pennant. made in the
klub colors. blue and gold. aud bear
Ing tho Kiddie lNub name. will be
given free to every Klub member who
secures five now members and 10
every new club member who brings in
with him or hcr four other now mem-
bers' SIX COUPONS, numbered in rota-
tion, must Go s,n, with each name,
together with me signature, age and
address OF each new member, Just as
Is required when individual klddles
apply for membership.
The evening world., 1917-06-28
Lucille the w aitreSs
B y Bide Du dl e y
tOI9nglt, 1911 " The Prrss Publsll
CCAY," said Lucille, the waitress,
y TO the friendly patron. whats


tol9nght, 1917 by the Press Publish
GCAY," said Lucille, the waitress,
- to the friendly patron. whats
a humortist?"
You mean a humorlst," he replied.
He's funny man, usually a writer"
"Oh, get you" said Lucille. "And,
trust in me, friend, It explains much
to me. Just this morning two of them
come in here and it falls TO my lot to
do the honors. When | greet them
one says: Has many OF the American
Fresh Humorists been eating in
hereT"
II guess he said Press Humorists,'
didn't heY" asked the friendly patron.
We'll. maybe ne did" she went on,
'Dut l thought he said Fresh l told
him / never took any inventations of
the victims and, therefore, wasn't
cogntflcant TO their business. Then
the other one speaks up.
Did you notice any men in here
springing jokes?' he asks.
IA lot OF 'em does until they be-
gin to eat says, Then they get
solemn. The food sort o. puts all
their humor in the humidor.'
" Pretty good!' says one. You're
a great audience. Guess I'll try my
latest joke on you. DO you mind?'
Say | says, I'm so battered up
with Jokes around here that one more
couldn't make dent in my physiol-
ogy. Rip il on, II thou deslrest'
80 this guy grins more aD1 says:
I told a man it was time for us TO
show our teeth TO Germany, and he
says he. too, thought it was a great
mistake not TO send Teddy Roosenfelt
over TO France
He quits talking and l wait. Then
ask; When YOU going TO spring the
Joke" He says he just sprang it and
aln't got the point, | make him tell
1t over again and I'm hep right away
I presume says, that you mean
Roosenfelt should take his cavalry
over so that each horse can do his
Bit. 1t was just a return joke, you
see. As | understand 1t, every horse
has got a bit in his mouth, so you get
my point. Well, sir, he looks al me in
The evening world., 1917-06-28
GOSSIP.

Pals First" will end a successful
run at tho Fulton Saturday.
Oliver Morosco's next production in
Los Angeles will be lombard, Lid"
with Loo GARLIC.
DIR. Anselm GoetEel has been en-
gagged by Oliver Morosco TO write the
munic for "A Full Honeymoon"
Joseph Laurie and Aleen Bronson,
now at the New Brighton, will act
for tho Messrs. Shubert next fall
bigmund Romberg IL at work on
the score OF a musical play to be
5hubert attraction next season.
Frank f. Tours. following an en-
gagemont with The Highwayman." ="
70 again orchestra conductor for
Love o. Mike"
A. Token Worm will close up the
bhuoert general press OH ces Batur-
day and take a month on.
Eleanor Painter left yesterday for
Los Angeles TO begin rehearslng In
Tho Pursuit OF Pamela" Edward
5eo VIII be In tho cast
Ivan Caryll has arranged for Gus
tAVe Qutnson TO produce The Mis-
leading Lady" In Paris. Sache Gultry
VIII mako tho French adaptation.
The evening world., 1917-06-28

10 II not Qultl anu pIelly mere
this morning." said Bess.
The day was very warm. in
deed, and the three friends. Bess. Bob
and Bombus seemed more willing 20
stay In the shade OF large shelter
Ing maple tree than TO start upon an
Outdoorland adventure. Bob and the
Professor were Just agreeing with Bess
that It was quiet and pretty In that
spot. when they heard New, mew."
coming from across the road. In n
fash Bess was up and over to the
spot from which the sound seemed to
come, She expected she would find a
kitten In distress. Rob and Bombus
were close on her heels.
All three reached the spot almost at
the same time. and as soon as they
did noticed that the sound came from
the hedge over the fence.
1T must be up In that bush, Poor
little thing. 1t is frightened to death!
Hear It ,ry!" Even while hess spoke
Bob had climbed up the fence and
swung on to tho top. there In the
upper branches Of the hedge 10 ind
the complainer-not a kitten but a
catbirdl
No complaint could have had a
better cause than had the catblrds
and no hero could have saved the
The evening world., 1917-06-28
nv WAY OF DIVERSION.

When balnny winds are blowing and
the flowers scent the air. when birds
are hitting gaAly and are singing ev-
erywhcre, I know that summers with
W, but Il brings ono grating note,
again appears that wild-eyod chump
tho man who rocks the boat. ON
lake and river hero and there, and
likewise on tho sea, he makes the
tlmid women screen, then laughs In
fiendish Klee. His brain. IL brain II
may be called, would NJ we'll in
shoat, for he's bereft OF common
sense, this man who rocks tho boat.
In WAShington they're passing laws
10 keep food prices down, to handle
coal and other things in country and
IN town. Another evil has appeared.
lot Congress grab Its throat; it's time
10 pass a law TO check the fool who
rocks tho boat
The evening world., 1917-06-28
MAS DEAN REruRNa.

Julia Dean and Cyril Keightley have
returned from California whore they
appeared four weeks with Henry MIL
or in -The Better Understanding" II
was during this engagement that Mr..
Miller and the Sacramento Bee critic
locked horns.
oh, Il was too bad" said Miss
Dean. "I don't care 10 discuss II. Mr..
Miller was perfectly grand TO me,
but l guess I'd better not talk.
foel 10 sorry about II, but l really
have nothing TO say. oh, goodness,
mel"
The evening world., 1917-06-28
FAcTI

a LADY in the suburbs was CON
n siderably annoyed to find her
neighbours fowls continually
oVerrunning her garden and playing
havoc with the gerantumA "0d
around to the next door. Jane," shs
said TO her new English maid, "and
point out to Mrs. Jones that her
fowls bother us a good deal and ask
her II she'N kindly try 10 keep them
at home"
The girl returned with a satisfied
look on her face. "I don't fancy we
shall ave 'em round ERE again In 4
'urry, ma am" she replied.
II hope you we're polite, jana" rs-
marked her mistress.
"Oh, yes, ma'am," came the reply
'Missus's respects ] sea, and n.
your fowls amt KEEP at 'ome YOU
won't be gettin' 30 many eggs Of a
mornin', and we shall bo eatln' poul-
tryl' Christian Register.
The evening world., 1917-06-28

CONTRACT DRAWING NEARER.

A special committee of the buulty.
~ ire way, met with a special com
mittee OF the United Managers Pro-
tect1ve Association yesterday and dis
uuased a standard contract for use
IN employing actors Marc haw pre-
gided.
Were not through" said Mr.. Klaw
later, but you may say IL is highly
probable that a contract form salts
fastory TO both actor and manager
will be adopted In less than two
yOeks."
The evening world., 1917-06-28

Cousin Eleanor'S Klub Kolumn

wish that you could know what pleas
ure It gives me TO look at each clever
piece OF work done by a devoted Klub
Cousinl
To choose the hest among so many,
many good and beautiful drawings
IL indeed task. But to this task |
will bend all my efforts Tomorrow
and the days following, and on Tues
day, July 3, you will know the names
OF the proud and happy winners.
CouTi7 Eleanor.
The evening world., 1917-06-28

Its proper song, that you now hear.
Is sweetness itself"
The children departed full OF Won
der at all the beautiful. things that
there are 20 be known in the world
OF outdoorland.
Suggested by CORA STEVENS,
age fourteen. No. 4s2 Railroad Ave-
nue.. Brooklyn, n. Y.
The evening world., 1917-06-28

SteN IN ths NV1u II you 0nAlan 10 nteH that
~ '-' "'''' BiN9 sdHiywaARfz ar. 10
No. ll7S-SO Washington Ave.
The Egyptian Mummy.
One day Nellie and hob visited the Museum o'
Na,ursi History. where thsy saw a mummy
They asked where It cams frusu and about its
history. and they WIRE told this stop: Long
lonS ago tberV lived in Eppt a King nAmsi
sSerys%dy teaIed him one one GS'S tine S.r A %s. In dS
shrod ~, on hun y a nciElb9gins KhH who was
q U,Nt bittlv iotEht aud Alahau' N vas de,
t?atei lur,ns the i!sht an atrUw vhlsed from
s ,c.sS,Ss sIEs1' ~, Ss' . .a 'F' Aa2a. OT,s"'
country hoVse where the enemy uOsild MT find
him, him, Ms lay s'tlel!aa tor weeks. and At lsst
hiA mummy AZ the museum TO-DAY,
:, MELyIN CohYpoN GREES age ~
No. 10 south l4ti St, College Point, y. Y,
The Magic Rod.
Ono upon time ther lived a poor man who
had thTee sons wten he died he only left a
Obw for his oldest son, a pig for his middle sized
son and a yery Old rod for has yOU.gsst SIN, one
day tie two oldest sons sst Off 10 find their for
tunes, The youngest brother wNntOi TO 60 too,
nut they DID mo- want r. lgt him g. lie 1eSscd
50 ham tl'at they finally lst him nm 90. a, they
thelr house tho nat an Old woman, who asked
for iooi. The Two clde! br1tfen laughed at her
ha h s SS she ,6ia ssH ss sS5 @ tat tie ro he he sSs wa
le'.dipg NAS nnsLc, and that whatever he wished
would some true. som uiey came 10 an unnlONu
ouuntry Eepthing was covered with blGck. The
sssel puur man wh4t was The matter, lie said
that a dragon Was solng 10 tAke away the prln-
cess AMI LlAt nNhing Wouh kill him, eXcept tle
magic sWOrd NE boy rsmembered NtAt the old
W. an bad told him, ana wiaed he had mage
sword. Ia a ua usea he had It In his hand and
he started IN search OF lie dragon He MAS not
long In finding him, iog the dISgpn had Just
reached the cast WncN tie pralNass lived, With
one stFoke tho boy killed the dragon, and as a
reward be rrceduNl the pTinctSs's hand In mar,
rRe, som Aitef thi, great eWlt the King diel
and this little fNl0N letam King Of a great land
LEDpOLD SCHORR lagel tanl
No. iTiO WShstor AVsnuS
The evening world., 1917-06-28
ANSWERS 70 INouIRIEs

Docker-YOu might write Caine.
caro- Lambs Club.
Harley k.-Address Mr.. Davis, care
Nunsey's, No. 3 West Fortieth Street
The evening world., 1917-06-28
eTfCouSin Members:

I AVE you all sent your draw
II ings for this months contest1 2
To-day is the very last day
that they will be accepted you know,
80 there IL no time to lose! The con-
test closes with the last mail this
evening.
II you could see what store of
drawings have come 10 me already
you would surely be surprised. I
The evening world., 1917-06-28
K. az. ACQUIRE FARCE.

Klaw a Erlanger have acquired tho
American rights TO MADAME and Her
0odson," n farce which was n bril-
hant success last season at the Palais
Royale In Paris. IL is by Maurice
Honnequn and Pierre Weber. An
American version will be made by
Guy Bolton and T.. G.. Wodehou9e. II
will thon be set TO music by Ivan
cAryn. Madame and Her Godson"
win be produced in New York during
the holidays.
The evening world., 1917-06-28
NEW up. A p" CAST.

For the cast OF Potash & PERL
mutter's Vampire" A. II. Woods has
selected Barney Bernard, Alexander
Carr. Mathilde Cottrelly, George lie
Ouere, Lottio Kendall. Edwin Nor
dant. Frank Allworth, Stanley Jes-
sup, c. Hooper Trask, Arthur Hurley.
Jules Ferrar, e. Cunningham, Alice
fndrea and William Schoen.
The evening world., 1917-06-28
About Plays
and Players
BY BIDE DUDLEY

"oW what has David warficld
I'M been saying about the Actors'
~ Equity Association A report
picked lie way along Broadway
last evening to the effect that Mr..
Wardsid, . member OF the Equity's
Council. was 10 be requested 70 re-
Slsn because of certain remarks he
AAd let slip. Found at his club. the
actor was asked 10 explain for tho
edinoation OF the many thousands Of
readers of this column land We can
prove ~, He smiled and replied:
',oh. it's Just q misunderstanding-
that's all"
"And the matter will be hTed up?"
Il suppose So"
A. the once of the EQUITY it was
staGed that Mr.. warfeld had not been
asked 70 resign, but-well. no aSsur-
ancs was given that the association
hadn't made up lie mind 10 say few
pointed words 70 him.
I'VE have nothing 20 say. but you
night get his statement" said some
body.
And there we ell arc, folks!
The evening world., 1917-06-28
a THoUoHT FoR TO-DAY.

A Harlem man Is complaining be-
cause his wife wakes the whole fam
ily up nightly when she comes home
from the tango parloTs.
The evening world., 1917-06-28
FROM THE CHESTNUT TREE.

Magistrate 80 You are DISCHARGED,
but try 70 keep out OF bad company
in the future.
casey-Rest sisy. Yer Honor! You
won't SEQ me here again.
The evening world., 1917-06-28
Oh. RlNGIE,s TIPS

II the lnsides OF your hands hurt.
50 To dog store and get a couple U:
Eoms.
The evening world., 1917-06-28

GIIS 1t not quiet and pretty here
this morning." said Bess.
The evening world., 1917-06-28

Naaiivaa Plano PisyiHa esuEAa 70 isasons. Book
NIIIlllIIH miilsd fTSs. ohEinsl Ohrstsnsen School
hunlIlllV iN ". isbth q. Tel Moming,lds $3.50
The evening world., 1917-06-28
rae Reward of KIndness.

Thsrs Was onos a STR who lived with hsE aunt
Her uAhs wNs viola:. $40 WA a. hind. .beaHsi
and pOod a. her aunt WA esusl. 0IDo day tho
aunt ssnt her out TO piek SONS lsrbs. Violet
o., out Win nothing out cms dy brad and
water - she ate hsE lunrh dc saw a man CON
ing toward hsT, Who raid "Pcase give me some
thing tn eat " Violet a. Uncc shared her lunch.
When they had nnidsd le sAld "Fm bong W
and YOU Will never 10 in want Yor aunt u
dead and will never trouble JON again" Then che
knew that this vas not human Leing llks
heneli. hot a sDod, Kind tsiD Evrm that day
on Gbg laAAl sy~il t4ug ~ wisle, aud devoted The
Sa " her life " making o.hun hAppy,
EVELYN HUBER
The evening world., 1917-06-28
EVELYN HtBER.
No. 200 East SeVentssih StNet
Thr PnII Of GoId,

Once uioa a trle tAere fArms- Who
was goins hunr ore night. earning his lunch pail
As is w.H walking hone he sald 70 himself. II
wish 1 had a rail Of gold Al ;lat moment no
IooEci up. anal what do you hlnk he sawi A
lsA,s,'pi .AtH. gtandnz beiore him. ~ leAd
'sl0ok In yUur rail" Tie farmer uncoTere.i lie
all "ssSiIA t'- gold glitter. he said, in
ls uiruSd to no home, he said II wiii ] hSi
had hrger rail What did you say TO your.
60 bone ant g,t one T1e fG,UsT went home
and EUt a lAnNr lail, but whm he Tvturned the
fairy was gJnc. Ite pail which had once held
gold wa now empty MAURICE sUFrNN
No lab Rntle.lge STREET Droohlyn
The evening world., 1917-06-28
The Two LIttIe GIrIa.

Once upon time there were two little Erls
one NAA awAys hApB and kind. Whe the other
Eas IlwaN esd anil selfAh
one dAS as thes Wes PLAYING in the Eurisn
usince rode hy, lie asked the nhlldren whore
he could get 4 nisht's loSlgins. The happy little
dn tUad him he could get a niEhts lodging At
IN houc, but the srlfsh hule Eirl only sulked
aud frcMned aud N9pld not Answer .so what
10 you think no didi lie took tho kinh little
al on his hlEs. aud brought her 10 his father q
aaee. ADD tod hs father b'w kind shs had
llsn " him. 1hen the Eua made her . princ,4s
aud rhe receWd beauttf,h olothsu and ats hom
a Eold plate apd was ycSy haiIpy,
When the sehsh liule Etr heaNi Of her friend 4
sOod luck shs decided tAAt you could sos along
Norwich bulletin., 1917-03-09
NO STOMACHPA PAIN, GAS, INDIGESTION
 INFIvE MINUTES
ANTAcID AND STOMACH REG ULAToR KNOWN.

Really does' put upset stomachs in order-really does' overcome indiges- ton, dyspepsia, gas, heartburn and sourness due to acid fermentation in five minutes-that-jus that-nakes Pape's Diapepsin the largest selling stomach antacid and regulator in the world. If what you eat fermenta and turns sour, you belch gas and eructate undigested food or water; head is dizzy and aches; breath foul; tongue coated; your insides filled with indi- gestible waste, remember the moment "Pape's Dfapepsin" comes in contact with the stomach all such distress yanfsheJ. It's truly aStonishing-ai- most marvellous, and the joy Is its harrnlessness.
 A large fifty-cent case of Pape's Diapepsin is worth it's weight in gold to men and women who can't get their stomachs regulated. It belongs in your home-should always be kept handy in case of a sick sour, upset stomach, during the day or at night. It's the quickest, surest antacid for the stomach in the world.
Norwich bulletin., 1917-03-09
NEW HAVEN ROAD
 SHOWS BIG INCREASE
Earned $35o,oo0 More in January This
 Year Than Last.

The New Haven road, with its freight lines jammed and running the longest passenger trains in its fis- tory. earned over $350,0 900 more gross Income in January of this year than Tor the same month in 1916, according to the monthly report of the New Ha- ven and it's subsidiaries. Whereas the net corporate income of the road for January. 1916, showed a deficit o1 $266. 6.435,55, the great business done by she Toad this winter brought the net income up 70 S249, 9,56S.48. The seven months net corporate income to Jan s1. year ago.. was s3,o40.434. while was s4.7s5. .s5s.5s. The trafic, both freight ind messenger, on the road this winter. has been exceedingly heavy and has strained the operating system to the utmost The operating revenue for the month of January was $6. If. .091 .09. The gross income for the month was $1.s94.4s1.20, as com pared with $1,543,0 ,022.62 of the year before. For the seven months this year the gross income amounted to SIS s.229. 75S.09, while last year it was s14.5544 41s.66.
 The Rhode Island company showed a deficit in January of, $14 ,127s6, while 1t shovel a net income of $2,96O.1O last year. For the seven months 1917. SIT. .S93.59, and S24,736.42 last year. The gross Income was $104 g833S for January, while last year it was sS6.- 353.10, and for the seven months this year, s1,o1s. lss.es. and ss3o, 415.5s last year.
Norwich bulletin., 1917-03-09
SECOND IN THE.
 UNITED LENTEN SERVICES. Bishop Acheson Says We Should Be as Near Like God as Possible.

| The second of the united Lenten services was held at Christ Episcopal
 1n sysnsns Tl5s Tss Rr 5ass Rev. E. Campion Acheson, D. D., of Hartford, delivered the address of the evening. Bishop Acheeon took his text from John 3: 16, God SO loved the world that He gave His only begotten | Son, that whosoever believeth on Him should not perish but have eternal life. Bishop Acheson said in part:
 wonder how nature would go about her task of feeding the 100, ,000, 900 peo- pie in this land of ours if she were left to her own devices. People have to blow, harrow and plant the earth in order that it may bring forth fruit. So it is with our souls. We have to dig down into them and plant the spirit of God and love in them before they bring forth fruit.
 God loved the world. Not the trees, the grass and the beautiful things of
 nature, for nature is God: but men,
 women and children, and it was for them that he gave his Son that they
 might be saved. We should have love
 in our hearts for our fellow beings as
 God has love for us. One cannot be a
 help in the household, in the city or in
 one another. In order to do this one
 must go to the source. God himself
 is the great reality. Empires have
 passed away, all things change, fami-
 IASS dIC bichS1 up oAio ShdH6Su, diiO
 everything passes in time but the
 things of God. Nothing can last but
 the spirit of God. And if we would
 live eternally we must be of Gods
 spirit. with love m our hearts.
 God loves human beings, every one alike. Pedigree does not count with God. Those who can trace their an- cestors back to the Mayffower do not stand any better chance of the king dom of heaven because they can trace their ancestry than the inhabitant of When we stand before God to be judged we will be judged by what we have done and not by how much money we have or how often we went to church, or who our ancestors were. We may have led to all outward ap- pearances a good life but at heart we have not had the spirit of God We have not loved our brother and done those things which might have led him to see the right way. Men speak of their business or profession. as a mer- chant or lawyer. Their business is the service of God: that which they refer cation.
 We should be like God as near a S possible. A person was never a power in community unless he had the spirit of God at heart. It is not our action that counts. it is the sincerity Of heart that makes us what we are To get this love we must love the things that are Gods, do the things that God wants us to do. and be in every way as near like God as we can. Ask yourselves this question: Am Look deep into your hearts and con- slider
Norwich bulletin., 1917-03-09
TROLLEY WAS BLOCKED
 NEAR sANAToRIuM. Buick Roadster Couldn't Get Of the Tracks Because of SnoM.

New London Norwich trolley car was blocked for about one hour near the Norwich sanatorium late Wednes- day night when a Buick roadster l3039 Conn.,, blocked the tracks. The trolley crew finally succeeded in towing the machine from it's intrenchcd posi- ton after a Cadillac car had failed to do so. and then both cars continued to their destination points. The auto was little damaged.
 The chauffeur losing control of the wheel, the car shot across the Highway from the right side to the left. run hing over the track and striking against an embanknent. All efforts to extricate the machine failed until the trolley crew got busy in real earnest.