New Britain herald., 1917-06-27
identity may be disclosed. Mildred never takes part In the pie-throwing

jan. Lila Is now ''star" reporter with the New Britain Herald, and draws salary that would make ours look abbreviated compared with hers. Her latest scoop" was the uncoverirtg of a band of gamblers who were play ing penny ante.
 Come Out of the Kitchen Mary Ann. You Belong in the Wash Room. :" I should think that Mabel Bollerer would get sick of saying that every morning and afternoon. One day Mabel got exasperated because q girl made cruilers for doughnuts. 50 she ridiculed the poor girl by holding up the cruller and saying. Looks like cruller. don't It (douEhnIf} ?'' Be- fore Mabel ventures to cat any of her students mixtures, she let's Mir. Moody Sexperiment first
 "A awaitress usually seems to know 1t all. but she will never refuse . tip." Now this is very true of Olga Pop pol. the popular waitress at Hudson's Lunch on Main street. Some of the
 eetsr that Olga serves every noon- time are:
 II. Hamburg steak and potatoes, in other words. Clean up the kitchen and decorate ''
 Soup sandwiches.
 !. Dimpled prunes and a mug of mirk and q couple of sinkers.
 This Is three-course dinner, and together with Olga's smiles fills you up. On Saturdays and Sundays an orchestra Is hired by MT. Hudson. Music with the meals, you know
 One day an old gentleman called Olga to one side and said. ..Waitress, will you kindly ask the orchestra to play slower mugic ?''
 Why, sir?" Olga asked. < Because, tho old man said. T can't chew my food properly in two- step time.'' ~ Ills request was granted Wasn't she kind secretary at Keeney's theater. But this does not complete Ill of her du- ties. When there happens to be . Wreck on the shore Line,' and an act does not appear. then May Hayes is the emefssncy used in this casA, and In . few moments appears trans- formed. Lo! Behold! A second < handed Sarah Bernhardt appears. One of the poems she recites from memory on the stage is tho Charge Of the LiEht Brigaden by Tennyson, only this is the way May says 1t: Into the valley of death rode the six
 hundred.
 They rode til they got tired. Altho' they knew that someone had
 blundered,
 If they complained. they knew
 they'd get fired.
 The applause h 10 great that May finds 1t hard to continue.
 ''9et sem np!'. No. friends, this is not meant to be . bowling alley ex- pression. It Is only Maurice Lock- wood. instructor of printing, times his pupils on "composition' work in setting up type. Maurice's scholars , are known as ,printerS devils. but when Maurice becomes slightly xgi- tated he never includes the word printers " In 1t. After 4:3o Mau- rice teaches the youngsters how to play the flute. Oh yes! He has . large understanding! He wears sise twelve.
 Mildred Hellbsrs is the present probation oflcer of the local police court, and tho number Of non-support cases IL decreAsing astonishingly fast! Most or this credit goes to Mildred and dome to her father. onicer Gus tave Hellberg. You've heard the old proverb. The pen is mightier than the sword.' We'll. here it's tho same only 1t goes,
 support your wife, which you can Or, 10 to jail and get fres board. Some team. isn't 1t? oh yes, they have some system. It works like this:
 Mildred discourses, [ Father ef1forcea." Hello. Central! Give mo 6 r1oth- I in9 5.'' This h only one of the nu- l merous ways the fellows try to enter into conversation with Agnes Dar- ] row. our petite, dainty operator But I they never succeed, friends, because l Agnes Is too wise. One smart Aleck called fictitious number once, and as Is customary, Agnes answered with i the usual Hello"
 1 Now listen. young woman, the smart Aleck said. you don't know mo. % why do you say Hello '"
 Say, smart one." Agnes poured forth. s'is your nose bothering you 1 If a, scratch 1t, or I'll have my big brother hatten 1t for you.' II am sure that this census will ltgreatly help the country in this great hour of need. Now. Miss Paro. will you kindly forward this message while dictate:
 His Excellency. Bernadotte Loomis.
 washingten. D. c. VI | Honorable Sir: E l AS chairman of the board Of con.
 scriptive censors, dutifully send yor
 the report of the Class of 1917, which
 has been prepared for the nation
 through the untfring efforts of thi.
 board and through the great persona
 assistance have received from my
 secretary, Miss Minnie Paro.
 The young men of the Glass of 191i