The Detroit times., 1916-02-22
TO THE BARBER
eY DR. FRANK CRANE
(Copyrirh,. 1916. By Frank Crane)

md the barber was stropping his razor
md remarking what fine day il was,
and also that this war was a terrible
hing; now said he. don't talk to me.
Because want to talk to you.
Il been keepin' still all mornin', be-
ause my wife had the floor and has been
yivin' it to me good and plenty for stay
n out with the boys last night didn't
have anything to say, and couldn't said
t if | had. So I'm goin' to take it out
IN you. See?"
Go ahead replied the barber. I'll
De it,"
"All right" pursued the red-headed
man. What I'm goin' to tell you is all
about your business. Not that know
anything about it. I'm no barber. sell
ife insurance. But when you don't
Snow anything about business you can
ak fine. There's nothin to interfere
with your imagination.
Now, in the first place, don't want
you to put any of them hot towels on my
face. Who the Sam Hill invented that
'ustom of scaldin' man like he was
nog don't know. But it's sure fierce.
1t makes the skin tender and gets you all
ready to take cold when you go out"
Why do people ask for hot towels,
then?' inquired the barber.
sheep" replied the red-headed man.
People are mostly sheep All they do
is to do what other folks do. They don't
think. They don't even know what they
want If anything's the fad they got
Ia to do it or bust Some mutt started
the hot rag idea and all the sheep fol-
lowed the tom-foo bell-wether.
And say, when you're latherin' my
face with the brush keep that razor out
/ If your hand. OF course you're careful
and all that and amt goin to cut me,
but Just lay that tool down. It's sharp
and I'd rather have you be careful forty
times than to cut my throat once.
And don't stop Shawn me to make
change for customer. Don't you know
there's nothin' in the world nastier and
/ fuller o microbes than money? IL you
rub my fresh shaved face, with hun
, 1red little invisible raw places on it, with
your hand that has just fondled dirty
dollar bill, YOU may be inoculatin' me
with any one of seventeen skin diseases.
Don't pull the skin of my face. All
want you to remove is that portion of
my beard that grows on the outside. You
needn't do no subsoilin.'
What you want to watch out for, and
/ 70 curb like guilty passion, is your left
hand. If you must hold me down with
it, lay it on easy. BY gum, | think all
oarbers ought to have only one arm.
Il shave myself sometimes with safe
! ty hoe my wife give me for Christmas
and when do just claw the hairs off
with my right hand. Why can't you do
that way?
"And another thing. Lay your hands
IN me easy. Don't maui me. amt no
Belgian and you amt no German SO be
gentle with me- | was raised pet, any
way.
"I'd like to know. also why, when you
pass around from one side of me to the
other, you keep your finger on one spot.
10 you think you'll forget where you
left off?
Furthermore. you don't have to pinch
my nose when you're Shawn my upper
lin. and you don't have to take hold Of
my lip when you're Shawn the corner Of
my mouth. Your fingers are doubtless
clean and appetizin', but I've had break
fast.
"Shave me light. Have your razor so
sharp ! won't know I'm bein' moved
That's good. But you don't want to be
nervous Some BARRIERS are so careful
that they don't get the whiskers.
"And while you're flourishin' that
deadly weapon around my physiognomy
[ wish you'd please not look out of the
window at the pee-rade, nor talk to
George, over there. Just keep lookin'
at me. I'm the man that's rot fifteen
cents, and | don't care for no porter
house steak to be taken off my cheek