davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07
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S 81 81 e7DT55 {2:=*1 a., 81
Knomledne Worth While.

"That seedy old gentleman in a
soiled Palm Beach suit is a geologist5
lie can tell yeu the age Of the EARTH
"Nell! Well p
THAT other shabby-looking old gen
tleman with him is an astronomy. He
can tell you how much the moon
weighs"
"Wonderful! And who is the pros
persous-looking person at the adjoin-
ing tahle?'
That's Mr.. Grabcoin, the capitalist.
He can tell you what the stock mar
ket is going to do tomorrow"
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07

but Is il not embarrassing, We
ask of the native damsel, Ito say so
many unsophisticated things? De you
not often realize Immediately that you
have made terrible break?"
yea" she answers frankly. Lots
Of times. after | have studied up a
particularly shoekingly innocent ex-
preston, use ii at entirely the wrong
time -
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07
GETTING Even.

$50 you have been ON a visit to your
5oyhood homer
Yes" replied the prosperous-look-
ing citizen.
"'How dear to my heart are the
scenes of my childhood when fond rec
objection presents them to view
81 know that's what the poet wrote,
out my principal object in going back
was to show the people there that
that dirty-faeed, nothing job
son boy has amounted to something in
the world"
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07
A Medium Ran.

The medium stood behind the black
curtain.
Suddenly there was a loud rapping.
rs that you, my dear JohnY asked
the young widow in black, who was
there to interview the late lamented
NO, ma am. answered deep voice
from the outside; this is the ice
man"
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07
Thew All Have II

Biggs-Do you believe in second
sight?
Dtggs-Sure thing. My wife has it.
Biggs-Is it possible BY the way,
how did you find it out?
Diggs-While out walking with her
1 noticed that every time we passed
another woman my wife always turned
to get a second look at what she had
on.
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07
His One ReQret.

Henry said Mrs. Peck severely
II am inclined to think you have
squandered lot of money foolishly
N your life"
II have, my dear" admitted Henry.
well, don't You regret it," she
asked.
"Some of It," answered Henry with
a large, open-faced sigh Il have
never ceased to regret the ten dollars
gave up to the parson who officiated
at our wedding"
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07
On Safe Ground.

Senator Grabbins made fine
speech yesterday at the cornerstone
laying"
YES. On an occasion of that sort
the senator feels safe In letting him
self out. No matter what an orator
says at cornerstone laying, 1t isn't
going to affect his political prospects
to any extent, one way or the other"
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07
CREATING False impression.

There are few men who don't feel
important when casting vote"
THE candidates are to blame for
that
How so?"
"They convince Il citizen who is natu-
rally modest that without his distin-
guished support they are irretrievably
ruined"
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07
Real Unkind.

did you ever notice. said Miss
Peachly, that good-looking people are
seldom bright and bright people are
seldom good looking?"
Yes" replied young Knox. "By the
way, if you could have your choice.
which would you rather be-bright or
good lookingY
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07
HE BOUGHT BURGLAR TOOLS
Ohio Farmer Found Them in Chest
That He Purchased at Ex.
press Auction.

Wooster, "a big chest was bought
for 30 cents by Edward Betson. a
farmer, living a few miles north, at
an auction here of unclaimed express
packages.
When he reached home he found
the box contained a set of burglar
tools and lot of loot. Now he is
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07
An ExceptionaI Case.

Love" remarked the very young
man, lis a disease physicians are I'M
able to cure"
Yes. as rule" rejoined the old
bachelor but a friend of mine who
had a bad case of it was completely
cured by female physician
rs it possible!n exclaimed the Y. IN.
straight goods" replied the other.
''IIe was in love with her and so they
were married"
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07
An ohlininn Sutton

Miss Dough- am sure that my
American dollars mean very little to
you.
The Count--You are right. Their
significance at present is vague. But
It will be an easy matter to translate
them into francs.
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07
Point of View

well, get divorce if you want to-"
exclaimed the angry husband q can
easily get another wife. and I've lived
long enough to learn that one woman
is as good as another-if not better"
Yes" calmly rejoined his better
half, land I've lived long enough 10
discover that one man is just rs bad
as nnother-if not Morse."
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07
BETTER Still

Il have an uncle who has money
enough to enable him to do as he
pleases." boosted Braggs.
That's nothing" rejoined Naggs.
zone of my uncles is rich enough to
enable him TO do as his wife pleases."
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07
SpoiIinu the Fun.

whats going on here?"
"Some of the society folk are dane
ing for sweet charity"
4 See That's highly commendable."
True Still if an object of charity
were to gain admittanee | dare say
everybody else would want to go
home"
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07

wa &c Garner mas
her own secret
ambition which
urges her on. The
young girl Is anX-
ious= to add her
mite to help her
family exc out its
expenses. There
are those who are
the support of
widowed, aged
mothers OF. help
less brothers and
sisters. Married
women who work
o Il [ S / d e o t
their homes do
not do so from
choice usually, but
because of chill
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07
Then and Now.

"Demosthenes,' remarked the stu
dent of ancient history, used to fill
his mouth with pebbles to improve his
oratory."
Yes; and at the present writing"
rejoined the modern observer, "a lot
of men become garrulous after filling
their mouths with rock and rye"
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07
A HOPELESS Case.

New Boarder-Say, this fare is some
thing fierce. Have you boarded here
long?
His Neighbor-About ten years.
New Boarder-You don't say! Why
don't you try some other boarding
house?
His Neighbour don't know-unless
It's because the landlady is my wife.
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07
A Good Fellow.
A word of praise
OF William Black.
Who never pounds
You on the back.
a Literal Mind.

did the doctor give you much en-
couragement?" asked Mrs. Dumson.
Yes, indeed" answered Mr., Dunn.
son. He said | would be able to
whip my weight in wildcats before
long"
Dear me Where will you find the
wildeats?"
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07
Feminine Charity.

Mrs. Knox-What did you think of
Mrs. Pyker's new tea gown?
Mrs. Blocks-The fit and style were
all right, but didn't you think the
color rather weak?
Mrs. KnoX-Yes; and yet they
seemed TO match her tea very nicely
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07
Has LARGE Potato.

Whiteville, \. C.-Mr. II. C. Moffit
is showing his friends potato of the
Dixie yam variety that measures %
inches in length. 1t was grown on
Mr.. Motifs farm near town.
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07
A Fresh Start.

Dribbles-I hear you have got a job
in restaurant. How about it?
Scribbles-Your hearing it good
Dribbles-But why did you give up
your literary work?
Scribbles-I got hungry.
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07
Comma and Goino.

In this busy world of strife,
Things are seldom very slow.
Some people take 'em as they come
Others grab em as they go.
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07
Young PuIlet Laws Enns.

Hawthorne, Cal-Mrs. Ella Emer-
son of this place has chicken which
was Matched March ID and laid its first
egg on July - when four months old
She then laid II eggs and sat, on
August 10, Matching u chicks.
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07

Exact Time

Did you hear the news? The lion
from the jungles came out and COB.
bled up the village postmaster
"When did he do It.?
"Whv ate n M"
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07

one of the newer devices to aid the
deaf to hear is entirely inclosed in a
small cylinder, which is held by han
die like that of a lorgnette.
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07
afraid De may get MO trouble.

afraid ne may get into trouble.
He just happened to pass by the
sale and raised a 25-eent bid on the
chest because he thought il was worth
80 cents even if it We're empty Among
the articles in it We're dozen auto
mobile caps, two new suits OF clothes
and ST in bills, wrapped in an old
sock. The burglar tools We're wrapped
so they would not jingle.
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07
Human Nature.

Breathes there a man with soul so dead
Who ne'er unto himself hath said:
IF paid according to my worth,
I'd have a mortgage on the earth?"
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07
Well Posted.

DO you believe in first aid to the
injuredT
You bet we do. We always keep
1t in the house."
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07

No man is worth more than another
if he does no more than another.-Cer-
vantes In Don Quixote."
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07
Utter Eoolishness.

The passing of peach
Makes the wicked johnnies stare;
And the lesson ii does teach
Is, no woman should be fair.
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07
WeDLocK's ESTABLISHMENTS.

Happy the life that in peaceful stream
Obscure, unnoueed through the vale
has flow d.
The heart that ne'er was charmed by
fortunes CLEAN
Is ever sweet contentment's best abode
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07
MADE KAISER HIS
PRISONER OF WAR
Won Hindenburg Once Defeated
the Emperor-Regular Army
ManeuVerS.
PENSIONED BY ANGRY RULER
Remarkable Story of the Fall and
Rise of Germanys Most Popular
General-kaiser Forced to
Recall Him.

New York.-A wooden merchant of
this city has just returned from a tour
of Germany Austria and Holland, and
to a party of his friends who had
luncheon with him he said that what
impressed him most in Germany was
the tremendous popularity of Field
Marshal Won Hindenburg. Every shop
window, every dwelling, every theater,
hotel cafe and restaurant is placard-
ed with his picture. Plays, dishes,
children are named after him. and in
the street when his name is mentioned
in the course of conversation men lift
their hats
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07

It's great To get close 10 nature,
isn't it,"
Yes, indeed That's why | like to
be close to a girl who doesn't paint"
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07
LallrdAQ5TlEbbqy,5
2 T1Y0N 2
WHY WOMEN WORK.

"Roek of Ages. cleft for me"
Twas woman sang it now.
Sang 1t slow and YEARLY
With wan hand on her aching brow.
Rode the song as storm tossed bird
Beats with weary wing the air;
Every note with sorrow stirred,
Every syllable a prayer
Sung as only they can sing
Who tfe's thorny paths have pressed
Sung as only they can sing
Who behold the promised rest.
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07

1t cannot be said that women who
toll do so for the love of it, Each
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07
No Evidence Of Suffering.

Regarding the food situation this
business man says that he noticed no
evidence of suffering. He stopped at
the best hotels in the cities and never
paid more than five marks a day,
While the menus were somewhat re-
stricted, especially regarding meat,
still, there was plenty to eat, and no
one need 20 hungry.
Il witnessed an interesting little in
eident in Nuremberg" he said. II
saw 50 French prisoners escorted
through the city by two German sol
aiers, They were showing them the
sights, stopping every now and then
to point out some particular historic
building. These German soldiers
spoke French tluently, and the prison
ers We're enjoying their experience
immensely. l was surprised to note
thar there is no bitterness against the
French. Paradoxical as it may seem,
the Germans are very friendly to
them, even though at war with them.
There IS n veritable Niagara of hatred.
however, against the English"
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07
FRIENDS WE CANNOT TRUST.

With that malignant envy which t,Sns
pale
And sicltens when a friend prevail
Which merit and success pursue with hate
And damns the worth 1t cannot initiate
The Monticellonian. [volume] (Monticello, Ark.) 1870-1920, 1916-12-07
Made Kaiser Prisoner.

The story of Won Hindenhurg's fall
and rise" said he, "is told with much
gusto. 1t appears that not very long
kaiser and Won Hindenburg engaged
In sham battle during the regular
army maneuvers not far from the
Russian border. The kaiser was ut
terly defeated by Won Hindenburg's
strategy and maneuyers. Finally, Won
and said, Your majesty, you are my
prisoner
The kaiser was furious and openly
showed his state of mind. Shortly
after Won Hindenburg was pensioned,
and the general belief was that he
was on the shelf. However. they could
not keep him down. When the war
started Won Hindenburg wrote n per-
sonal letter 10 the kaiser requesting
Il command. To this the kaiser paid
no attention. Influential friends in
terceded for him, but TO no avail.
Finally when the Russians were on
the point of breaking through the
German lines. Won Hindenburgs name
was again placed before the kaiser as
the only military man in Germany
who knew every inch of territory
along the Russian border. The kaiser
relented and placed him in command.
When Won Hindenburg received word
of his command. he was dining in
little restaurant in Berlin. He did
not stop to finish his dinner, but left
at once for headquarters, laid out his
plans and wired his orders, continuing
to do SO as his train sped to the east
ern front He made good-so good
that he stands now even above the
l.niSnr in the etnniren
The Brattleboro daily reformer. (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1913-1955, 1916-06-07
DIR. CABOT CENsURED.
Massachusetts, Medical Society Rebukes
Prominent Physician.

BOSTON. June 7. - The Massachu-
sets Medical society through action
by the council at the annual meeting
yesterday censured DR.. Richard c. Cab
OF of this city, one of the most widely
known physicians in the country for
his criticism of the medical profession.
The committee on ethics and dis
cipline reported to the council an OK
change of letters with Dr. Cabot. to-
gether with comment consuming him
for his public utterances. The council
voted unanimously to accept the re
port.
DIR. Samuel B. Woodward of Worces-
ter, was elected president of the So
ciety.
In writings and addresses advocating
the group-medicine idea and eommun-
ity hospitals where patients could have
the services of specialists at small ex-
pense, DR.. Cabot has criticized physi-
clans and surgeons in general prac-
tice. asserting that they sometimes
treat diseases of which they have made
no special study. Dr. Cabot is credited
with having drawn a parallel between
physicians and old-timc shoemakers,
because of this alleged lack of special
iZation.
He is also quoted as saying: eff n
patient comes to me with something
, that does not lie in my special line, l
do what every practitioner must do
make the best guess I can. That is
what private practitioners are paid for
That is what the average citizen gets
for his money
The Brattleboro daily reformer. (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1913-1955, 1916-06-07

set of belligerents, sincere regret was
expressed over the loss of so great a
soldier as the British war minister.
Under the presidential order which
forbids army and navy officials to give
interviews on any incident of the war
in Europe, personal friends of Earl
Kitchener in Washington on active
duty declined to comment for publica-
ton. Among them were Major Gen.
Hugh L. Scott, chief of staff of the
army, who was Earl Kitchener S host
when the latter visited West Point six
years ago, and Lieut.. Col. George O.
Squier of the army aviation service.
who only recently returned from duty
as a military attache in London, and
who had many opportunities for meet
ing Earl Kitchener. But wherever the
loss of Kitchener was discussed in
Washington, and it was the main topic
of conversation throughout the dav. sin
cerest expressions of sorrow, coupled
with admiration for the great general
were voiced.
In military circles here it is not the
opinion that the death of Earl Kitch.
ener will interfere seriously with the
plans of Great Britain.
The Brattleboro daily reformer. (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1913-1955, 1916-06-07
GOES TO WAR TO WIN BRIDE.
Father of the Girl Promises Dowry
of $4,000.

VANCOUVER, B. c., June :. -
George Winterbotham, who has just
joined the American Legion here. was
a successful cigar salesman. Now he is
a private in the 21lth battalion. Amer
lean Legion, with an ordeal ahead of
him such as st. George never dreamed
of and few young men have had to
face to win the hand of the girl they
loved.
He has TO go through the war to
prove his. merit. 1t is not the hard
heart of the young lady that is respon-
sible for the conditions, for she is quite
willing to accept him as he Is, without
any military record. 1t is the prospcc-
tive father-in-law who demanded that
George do some fighting before he Sc
cured the prize. In addition to the
hand of the young lady. her father has
also promised to endow the young pco-
pie with the modest sum of $4,000
when the day arrives.
Winterbotham has a professional
baseball record, having pitched in the
Pacific Coast league.
The Brattleboro daily reformer. (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1913-1955, 1916-06-07
City's Life Seemed to Stop
When Kitchener's Death
Became Known
SCENE NOT SOON
TO BE FORGOTTEN
King Issues Special Order to British
Army to Wear Mourning - Anti
German Shout Greeted With Ap-
plause.

LONDON, June THE scene in the
streets when the newspapers appeared
yesterday afternoon with the first pub
lie announcement of the loss of the
cruiser Hampshire with Lord Kitchen
er on board was one not to be forgot
ten.
What most impressed the observer
was the deep and poignant emotion
aroused by the news, the sudden hush
as it were, which this tragic passing
away of a great soldier caused and
which seemed for the moment almost
ito arrest the busy life of the great
city.
Only on one other occasion since the
war began has any news so gripped
the public mind and seemed so com
pletely to stay for a time the roaring
tide of the streets. The first occasion
was last Friday, when the first admir-
atty announcement of the North Sea
battle was made.
Just at the close of the Stock Elk
change session an exciting scene was
witnessed. Referring TO the loss of
Kitchener and his staff a member
cried:
This is the work of German spies
Will you gentlemen tolerate am longer
the presence of German-born members
in your midst?''
His words were received with a
burst of applause.
Count Benckendorff. the Russian ana
bassador, paid this tribute to Kitch-
ener:
''Russia's grief will be deepened
when she learns that he met his tragic
fate on a journey to Russia, which he
undertook at the Emperor s invitation
Russia has thus been deprived of the
opportunity of paying to the late field
marshal a high tribute to his great
| achievements in the war, which have
/ been followed by Russia with deep
Admiration.
| By the Kings command this order
has been issued to the army:
The King has learned with pro
! found regret of the disaster where
by the Secretary of State for War
| has lost his life while proceeding
on a special mission TO the En-
peror of Russia
Field Marshal Lord Kitchener
| gave is years of distinguished
| service to the state and it is
! largely due to his administrative
genius and unwearying energy
| that the country has been able to
! create and place in the field the
armies which today are uphold
ing the traditional glories of our
empire.
Lord Kitchener will be mourned
by the army as a great soldier,
who under conditions of unex-
ampled difficulty. rendered sup
2reme and devoted service both
to the army and the State.
His Majesty the King com
mands that the officers of the army
shall wear mourning with their
uniforms for the period of one
week. Officers are to wear crepe
on the left arm of uniform and of
grcat-coats.
The Brattleboro daily reformer. (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1913-1955, 1916-06-07

couple, the remainder being TO persons
from outside the state.
Local members of the Uniform
Rank, X. r., are making plans for the
onnual enacpment to bc held at Bar
Der park in August. Pythians from all
over the state viii attend
High mass of requiem for Mrs Hen
ry 3. Hewitt, who died Sunday morn
yesterday morning at . o'clock in st.
Charles Roman Catholic church.
This week the village trustees have
been placing signs on the telephone
and telegraph poles about the village
warning drivers to obey the automobile
laws and to keep to the Right -
Sparks circus will play on Morgan 5
field Monday, June 10, and Cook &
Wilson 5 circus will play on the same
lot Wednesday, july ). Sparks 5 show
has been here each season for several
years, but the Cook & Wilson outfit is
a new one to this town
Beginning tomorrow afternoon at
1870 o clock the grocery stores ana
meat markets not located in the bust
ness section will close each Thursday
afternoon through June. july and Au-
gust. The retail trade committee of
the chamber of commerce met Monday
afternoon and voted that the stores IN
the village close Thursday afternoons
beginning July Is and continuing
through August.
The board of village trustees has de-
cided that it will not enforce the state
law in regard to the observance of
July and further than it has in
The Brattleboro daily reformer. (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1913-1955, 1916-06-07
BELLOWS FALLS.
WOMAN CHoKED BY PEANUT.
Started for Hospital, but Jar of Au-
tomobile Yves Remedy.

started Tor Hospital, but Jar of Au-
tomobile Yves Remedy.
Mrs. Noel Kneet of the north end
OF the village attended the band con
cert last evening with Mr. Kneet, and
to add to their enjoyment Mr.. kneet
bought a bag Of peanuts. They were
Of the species that come in the shell,
not the ones that apparently grow in
salt marshes. While crac king a nut
Mrs. Kneet stepped off a curbstone
and the nut lodged in her throat. Per,
sons standing near her forgot The
Rocky Road TO Dublin" for several
minutes thereafter. as Mrs. Kncet : ac-
tions took their minds off the music
When a telephone employee who has
been studying first aid joined the
throng he recognized the fact that the
nut was choking the woman. An auto
mobile was pressed into service and
started toward the hospital 1t had
gone about 40 feet when the jar dis
lodged the nut and the visit to the
hospital was made unnecessary. The
make of the car has not been made
public.
The Brattleboro daily reformer. (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1913-1955, 1916-06-07
WASHINGTON IS SHOCKED.
When News of Kitchener Death is
Given to Public.

WASHINGTON, June :. - Sir Cecil
Spring Rice, the British ambassador.
was notified of the sinking of the
Hampshire, with Earl Kitchener and
staff on board, in cablegram from Sir
Edward Grey of the British foreign
office.
The news of the loss of Earl Kitch-
ener came as a severe shock to official
and diplomatic Washington, where. re-
gardless of the sympathies of officials
and diplomats with one or the other