New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1916-03-19

delicate and ingratiating satire of the
following letter from an alert Philadel-
phian:
To the Editor Of The Tribune.
Sir: ] have just returned from a stay Of
come months in Patagonia. II may interest
you to know the state of public opinion in
that enlightened country at this important
moment in the worlds history.
Patagonia as you are aware, is neutral. II
is not only politically and militarily but in
tellectually neutral This neutrality of Pata-
gonian thought is to be accounted for by two
facts: first, the Patagonans have no idea
why Europe is fighting, and. second, they do
not care to know why They are so exquis-
itely sensitive a people that the very word
war whispered into a Patagonian's ear is
likely to throw him into convulsions. The
few coarser fbred Patagonians who are able
to think at all about the war are unanimous
in pronouncing it TO be "humanity's greatest
shame" A Patagonian ex-Secretary Of State,
a profound philosopher of history, has termed
it "world riot"
Long ago the Patagonians engaged in
riots" themselves, even the ex-Secretary hav-
eonian conflicts are by the Patagonians
named "crusades for humanity" TO distin-
guish them from the wars waged for selfish
ends by base peoples. However, such cru
sades have been long since abandoned. In
Patagonia the ethical systems which control
the conduct of the rest Of mankind are out
Of date. Il is in Patagonia nobler to die Of
apoplexy brought on by overlooking than Of
blow received in defence Of any cause what
soever Fortunately, all Patagonians are
able 10 look forward to & demise in their
comfortable beds, far removed from brutal
battlefelds. Patagonia is immune from war.
Il is immune because Patagonian diplo-
macy understands how 10 avoid all attitudes
which have been found TO lead to war. 1t is
an inconceivably agile and tireless diplo-
macy It sidesteps. lodges and overleaps in
suits directed at it, insults which, taken
standing still, would wound Patagonia's
amour propre or disfgure her appearance be-
fore the world Foreign crises are Of almost
daily occurrence. but are invariably evaded
by the dexterous acrobatic Patagonian diplo-
macy. The Patagonians are serene in this
cataclysmic hour; they know that with their
perpetual motion diplomacy there can never
occur stass in which a crisis will have
time 70 develop into critically crisal super
crisis.
Europeans ascribe Patsgonia's freedom
from war to her fortunate geographical iso-
lation. But the Patagonians say, more truly,
that II is due 70 the character Of their diplo-
macy, inspired as it is by Patagonian ideals.
The ideals which are indigenous to Patagonia
and which are there alone found in fullest
flower are believed by their possessors to be
war proof and are freely offered to an IN
happy world.
A chief Patagonian ideal is valor. When
savage bandit runs smuck, burning and
killing, the sword Of vslor leaps from its
scabbard with the light Of heaven upon its
blade, and all Patagonans join in the man
hunt until the criminal is captured, dead or
alive But when a large and we'll armed
company Of pirates murder Patagonian
women and children the Patagonians restrain
themselves from executing justice upon
these dangerous antagonists, because. while
they believe in police duty, they do not coun-
tenance war Patagonian valor is circum-
spect Therefore the Patagonians are care
full to keep on friendly terms with formida-
bic scoundrels, and they call al men tc
bear witness to their valor. Thus by avoid
ing war, they preserve spotless character
and whole skin.
A second Patagonian ideal is service.
Patagonia exists only to Arve other ma
tons Happily, the European war has not
interfered with Patagonia's main industry
~
plstitudes Patagonia at this moment re-
minds one OF Belgium before the war; II Is q
hive Of busy bees unselfshly making honey
for humanity, a larger Belgium, without tho
suffering and poverty and minus the hero
ism.
A third Patagonan ideal is honor. Honor
is more precious than life 20 every Pata-
CONAN. For this reason II is carefully con-
cealed No vulgar eye has seen it for many
moons. Only one Patsgonian knows where II
is But Il is popularity believed TO bo locked
up securely in the national treasury.
There has lately been some talk Of anna
nents 20 protect honor. But most Pata
gonians believe that virtue will be the mex
pensiye and sufficient defence Of honor. |.
a hostile army should ever land upon Pata
gonia's shores d native multi-mill onaire hat
promised 10 greet the invaders warmly I,
distribute among them, free Of charge. th,
priceless Patagonian ideals, and 20 invit'
them, thus enriched beyond their svarieioui
dreams, 70 return whence they came. An
other mult-millonaire will present ehear
automobile 20 each intruder and send him re-
joicing on bis way. Why. ask the Pata
, gonians. surround loving kindness with forti
fcatons? Who could injure beautiful. de
! fenceless yirtuc7
The Pa~gonians are not disturbed by Oh,
| failure Of the outside world 10 sppreeiAt,