davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-10-11
LUKE M'LUKE SAYS

The old-fashioned man who used to
hide his papers and money in the old
family Bible now has a son who rents a
safety deposit box.
1t is easy enough to find a lost collar
button if you only know how Just take
Off your shoes and socks and blindfold
yourself and walk around in your bare
feet You'll step on it, all right.
The faster man is the longer it takes
for him to get home at night.
When a man is learning to drive his
machine he hates to have you ask him
if he ran into anyone he knew when he
was downtown.
A woman can have good taste in Sc
lecting things for herself But when she
buys her husband a tie she always seems
to get something that will queer him
with the other women.
A woman has her troubles. If she
doesn't paint, her beauty rubs Off
Use all the sweet words you can. You
may have to eat them some day.
You do not have to be genius to sue
coed. Inspiration won't get you any
where unless you mix it with perspira-
ton.
The reason why daughter has to at
tend her gym class every day is because
it would ruin her health il she helped
mother with the sweeping and the dish
washing.
Why is it that when a woman has
about a half inch of fuzz all over her
face she imagines that she can hide the
fuzz by putting a half inch of flour on
her map?
Marriage may be a lottery. But If you
will select corn fed girl whose face
radiates health and who is broad of hir
and deep of chest and who makes the
windows rattle when she comes down on
her heels, you are not going to draw a
blank
Many a woman with narrow figure
gets a lot of comfort out of the knowl-
edge that she is broad-minded
1t is none of our business. But the
girls seem to be trying to see which car
" ear her waist lowest without getting ar
rested
1t is easy enough to get married. But
it costs money to get unmarried.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-10-11
KAISER ENGLAND'S HEIR

From Answers, London
AS far as the crowned heads OF Ell
rope are concerned, this war may VIZ
tually be called a civil war.
The royal houses of Europe are mex
tricablv inter-related, and many an an
guished and tortured heart must be beat
ing now in the palaces of the continent
AS Queen Victoria was the grand
mother of Europe and as King EDWARD
was it's uncle, so is King George the
cousin of Europe. He has cousins IN
Prussia, Denmark, Greece, Russia, NOR
way, Sweden Belgium, Spain, Portugal
Austria Hungary, Italy, Holland, Ru-
mania, Bulgaria, Montenegro, Wurtem-
berg, Sake Meiningen, ~Schaumburg-
Lippe, Hesse and Brunswick.
In fact, it has been estimated that
his first and second cousins, all told,
number close to 300.
His most famous cousin is, of course,
the Kaiser, whose mother was King Ed
wards sister. 1t is not generally known
that the Kaiser stands twentieth in the
order of succession to the English
throne. Fortunately, however King
George has five sons, so that even the
crown prince is not likely to get a
look in.
And while on the subject of success
sion it may be mentioned that the pres
ent heir to the throne of Rumania has,
as far as descent goes, a better title to
the British throne than any member OF
the English royal family. Prince Carol
OF Rumania. who is now % years old,
can trace his descent in a direct line
from Henrietta, the youngest daughter
of Charles I.
King Georges cousins also include the
Gar and Czarina of Russia, and Incl
dentally. King Constantine Of Greece
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-10-11
INCIDENTS.

For Incidence that gives one pause
Observe Erasmus Cages,
Who bought a book and wept because
He had to cut the pages.
birmingham Age
Far worse than indolent, we say.
Is Nicodemus Rucker,
Who never whistles on his way;
It's too much WORK to quicker.
youngstown Telegram.
For 1aziness 4 man we know
Should grab the winners cup;
He won't lie Gown to sleep because
It's such work to get up.
Houston Post.
The layybones whom we abhor-
Well point him out to you
lie gargles soup because 1t is
Such awful ork to chew.
--Commercial-Appea
A lazy rich man whom we know,
Hig money will not spend,
He firds it too much work, and SO
1t eases him to lend.
Admission Star.
PAUL COOK.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-10-11
HOTEL LOBBIES
Leaves 1t to Brown


THE musical comedy, Watch Your
Step which comes to the jefferson to-
morrow night is one of the most pretenti-
Gus productions of the season." said
Brown Parks. THE company carries two
Pullman baggage cars packed with elab-
crate scenery. More than rs people are
In the cast and the matter of transporta-
ton is big item.
me lyrics are by Irving Berlin, one
of the most versatile and talented song
writers in America. In addition to the
high class and artistic scenery, the
Watch Your Step company is provided
with one of the most dazzling wardrobes
OF any musical show on the road today.
Musical comedy must be high-class to
be appreciated and the offering at the
Jefferson tomorrow night is of that type"
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-10-11
Suffragists Feel
Much Aggrieyed

AZ THOUGH County Judge Thorn
GA as F. Scully of Chicago had
ruled that it would not be necessary
for women to tell their ages when
registering, more than II years" be-
ing satisfactory reply when they
were asked how long they had re-
sided in the United States, many cleo
ton judges and clerks did not under
stand this. AS result numerous in
dignant telephone calls were re-
ceived in the office of the election
board. In all sections of the city there
were wrathy suffragists who felt that
they had been imposed upon.
One woman ~ years old said: "They
made me tell my age. They asked me
how long l had lived in the United
States and I told them all my life.
They said that would not do; that /
would have to answer in years and
under oath. Then, of course, | had to
say u years. / feel as though | had
been swindled by some one"
The same privilege of concealing
their age was accorded to men, but
few took advantage of it. Presumably
those who did so use hair dye and af-
feet a springy gait for the purpose of
belying their years and ruffling it
with the young blades of the town.
Just why woman of ~ should feel
"swindled" by having to tell her age
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-10-11
Root Says Democratic
Party Lacks Character

Party Lacks Character
a MONG republican leaders are
EA many men more or less intel
lectually endowed who are noted Tor
their cold personality. Fairbanks has
the reputation, whether deserved or
not, of being an iceberg. Root is a
man of great brain, but he is icy.
And Nominee Hughes himself is some
what chilling.
In craftsmanship Mr.. Root towers
above all his fellow republicans. Be-
ing a great lawyer he can take either
side of question and argue strongly.
When he was in Roosevelt's cabinet
he was a stanch partisan of the
daughty colonel. But in 1912 he was
with the "old guard" and supported
President Taft. AS chairman of the
republican convention he helped run
the steamroller over those who re-
fused to stand pat. He and Roosevelt
not only parted company, but they
never got tired of making faces at
each other.
Root is master of English and his
speeches would read we'll if it were
not for a quavering note of insin-
cerity. His address delivered at a
mass meeting in New York last week
was an exhaustive effort, but being
full of casuistry it did not convert
many men in the crowd to the repub-
lican cause. Root has no sense of
humor, else he would have laughed to
himself when he inveighed against
the democratic party because it
'tlacked character" He harped on
character and sought to impress upon
the minds of his auditors that the re-
publican party had it all.
He portrayed his party in strong
relief as an ideal party. Mr.. Root did
not mean his comparison between the
old guard and the democratic party
for audacity perhaps. Being devoid of
humor he simply could not see the
situation in the true light.
Character! Just picture the repub-
ican machine controlled by Penrose,
Crane and Wall Street as a party of
lofty motives, and then keep a
straight face if you can.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-10-11
Steam VS.. Gasoline

I'VE see in almost every issue of auto
mobile and scientific publications that
owing to the increasing demand and use
for gasoline, engineers and inventors
should busy themselves and discover
some practical method whereby kero-
sene and crude oil may be used as auto
mobile fuel said William L. White,
testing engineer in the laboratory of the
Tennessee Coal, Iron and Railroad COM
pany, at Ensley.
THE few men of today who have had
experience with steam automobiles and
know about them in the past must smile
present day the manufacture of steam
automobiles is very limited. although we
still have it in our midst despite compe-
tition, superstition and prejudice, and
still further some seem to think it is as
extinct as the dodo.
Technical writer's and editors appar-
emily being obsessed with the idea that
nothing is worth thinking of except
the internal combustion motor, seldom If
ever refer to the possibility of burning
fuel. With necks through the Tense the
inventors are dIter inc iloSt ihie9 POI
gallon, when what is the most vital
question of importance to the automobll-
list is the simplicity and the most miles
per dollar. This certainly means kero-
sene. and the crude oil of the steamer.
The steam car is the most economical
and simplest type which we have today
and economy and simplicity are pouno
to win
'.Thinking men are bestiring themselves
to the possibilities of steam power, ana
the question may prove to be one Oh Ut
most Importance. Steam power does not
need discovery, but development ana I'M
movement is what it must have.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-10-11
WHEN IT'S RILEY DAY

A SUM- OF MEMOINl.
BY Frank L. Stanton
When they say: Its Riley Day ITS
not time for tears
For one who made a ripping rill of
music down the years;
With echoes of that music on the
world-winds as they roam,
A place at every fireside and in every
heart a home.
When they say Its Riley Day., think
about the place
In the Indiana sunlight, where l met
! him-face to face
In a revel of the roses, when the winds
were all in tune,
Down the glad ways of Winona, in the
redeemed healms Of June.
There, in the wonder-weather saw his
home-stars shine,
And twas there he told the story OF
IAN Old Sweetheart of Nine
Out in the starry stiffness, where we
heard the Nights heart beat
And we fancied flocks of fairies scat
tered flowers at her feet.
And "Out to Old Aunt Mary She led
us all along
Till we saw her waving welcome to the
singer of the song;
From song to song he wandered as we
fingered on the way
And heard in his loved villages "The
OLD Band Play"
Twas Riley Day." and "Riley Night
the wholesomest of times.
The freedom of the friendliness of Ri
ley songs and rhymes!
And the memory is music which not a
d.scord mars,
For We heard the worlds sweet singer
on that stage beneath the stars
So. when they say: IT'S Riley Day." !
think about the place
In the sunlight and the starlight, where
] met him face to face;
And l think of where he's sleeping
meath the Indiana skies
is it the Night that's weeping--that the
rain around my eyes?
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-10-11
soUsA TRAP SHOOTING ENTHUSIAST

From the London GLOBE.
There is always interest attaching to
the amusements of great men, and when
the editors of who's Who" thought of
adding Recreation" to the list of par
ticulars of their subjects, it was stroke
OF genius. Therefore we make no apol-
ogy for passing on an item of informa-
ton which has just reached us. 1t says:
John Philip Sousa of Washington Post
fame, has been elected president of the
Am ercan Amateur Trapshooters' assoc
CATION"
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-10-11

The U-5s got so busy that one steamer
was told to wait her turn while another
was being torpedoed. Still, at a time
like that, the Kaisers undersea fighters
don't mind doing little extra work.
A famous short story writer died last
year who was also an expert cook. The
reason why he died poor was that he
tried to earn living by writing instead
of cooking
If Henry Ford had not contributed so
much toward the peace junket, it is
barely possible that he might have do
mated a check to the democratic cam
paign fund.
According to a health expert, man
can live for $50 years on bananas. A safe
statement to make because nobody would
try to live that long on nothing but ba-
nanas.
Birmingham is still being held up as
but they can't keep Birmingham from
getting the farm loan bank
Il
Fire Prevention Das was an unqualified
success, particularly for those firemen
who got through the "a hours without
making a run.
Since it's too early for Palm Beach and
too late for Newport, in sheer despera-
ton some Of the society DANES are
going home.
failed to arouse enthusiasm in the west
is that he isn't much of a "yip-yipper."
If Germany resumes its policy of
"frightfulness. the hyphenated vote will
be more unpopular than ever.
After languishing in obscurity for many
years, proud Brooklyn is now the cen
ter of the universe
The weather man seems to be looking
after the State Fair about as well as
could be expected
That Goethals appointment provided
precious little campaign thunder for the
republican orators
1t is harder than ever to make a living
dishonesty. but great many people
keep on trying.
After brief respite, Ambassador Won
Bernstorff is back in the public eye, as
large as life.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-10-11
CHIP OFF TIE OLD BLOCK.

There goes a millionaire who brags
about his son 10 everybody who will
listen"
Evidently the young fellow is not
like the average heir to great wealth."
"No, indeed, The ole gentleman was
trimm ed In the stock market last week
and when he discovered that his own
son had turned the trick he was the
proudest man in the United States"
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-10-11

The movement on the part of the
people of Alabama to build good roads
Will result in great benefits to the state
said Mason j. billiard. IF the Bankhead
highway is constructed it will help Biz
mingham.
AS | am interested in the hotel BUSH
ness in Florence 1 have had the fact
that good roads help the cities impressed
upon me forcibly. With the big high
ways running near Florence and with
prospects for the nitrate plant bright.
business conditions there are booming.
There is to be much road building in
Alabama, if the proposed highways, the
jackson, Dixie and Bankhead highways.
are constructed. 1t will open up country
that has been retarded in growth by the
lack of travelling facilities. It is healthy
sign"
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-10-11

From the Detroit Journal.
Take the following ingredients and mi
them thoroughly.
The papers.
One mortgage on the old farm
One che-ild.
One railroad track.
One old mill.
One villain from New York
One heroine.
One adventures.
One gray-haired father.
One gray-haired mother.
One honest young harvest hand.
One comic undertaken.
Two revolvers.
One dog barking in distance.
One high cliff.
One wind machine.
Five bushels of snow.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-10-11

We have completed arrangements for
opening up an office downtown from
which we will conduct the educational
amendment campaign" said Commits
sloner Hornady This office will, in all
probability, be located opposite the coun-
W courthouse Some one will be on duty
at all times and masses Of literature and
Data Will be sent through the mails to
the voters.
A meeting will be held at Huffman
Friday night. Sydney Bowie. Hugh Nor
row and myself will make short folks on
the school tax amendment. Congress-
man Huddleston will start his speaking
tour Wednesday morning. He will speak
at Willow Springs at 1880 a. M, Hebron
at 2:3o p. m. and Leeds at o'clock
Thursday he will speak at Argo in the
morning, Hit in the afternoon and Truss
vile at o'clock that night"
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-10-11
Birmingham Stars

Last Saturday was indeed a day Of
triumph for all adherents of Spring Hill
college" remarked Clarence Day. a
member of the 1916 graduating class.
The Mobile college began the season
with the most decisive victory on record
over our old time rivals, the fast Gulf
Coast Military eleven. The score was so
to 0.
The Mississippians were on hand in
large numbers to witness the specta Gle
at Monroe park, Mobile, and though
at the beginning of the game there was
some doubt as to the final result all I'M
certainty was soon dispelled by furious
onsiaugnts by our sturdy players
Among players contributing to this VIC
tory were four old Birmingham boys
Mackin, Captain O'Doud, Hastings and
Gelders-all of whom played star foot
ball.. Spring Hill will meet Tulane next
Saturday in New Orleans.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-10-11
TRANS. sTYx CHATTER.

Cleopatra seems cross this morn
ing" remarked the first shade.
You can't blame her for that" an
swered the second shade.
whats the matter?"
AS ore Of the most famous expo-
nents OIL the vampire business the
world has ever known, it vexes her to
see how the movies are cheapening her
art"
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-10-11
FOR soDAs AND SUNDAYS

From the Cincinnati Times-Star.
The ice cream soda and sundae busi-
ness of the country is estimated to be
So00,O00,000. And yet the dear things
criticize husband and sweetheart for
the money they spend with foot on
tho rail.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-10-11
HIS DAY OFF.

"NYhc Is that gentleman listening
with such keen delight to ragtime Sc
lection by the band?"
That's Mr.. Duffersby. His wife and
daughters are very musical. II they
were present they would clap their
hands to their ears and pretend to be
suffering"
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-10-11
The REASON.

She says she hates to leave New York.
TLis lovely chorus queen;
You see. she cannot take along
Her costly limousine.
That's why you'll find her in the ranks
OF mlny Broadway shows,
But touring in the provinces"
She very seldom goes.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-10-11

King Alfonso is a cousin of King George
by marriage. Another cousin is King
Christian of Denmark, but he married
Princess Mexandrine Of Meclxlenburg-
The sympathies of King Haakon Of Nor
way however, should be strongly pro-
British, irasmuch as he is a nephew of
Queen Alexandra and married one of
King Georges sisters.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-10-11

BEGINNING THE DAY-A noble
Greek exile found refuge in Persia
The Persian king allotted the sup
port of his table to three cities; one
furnished meats, another bread, an
other wines. One day AS he SAT hi
the loaded board with his chiidre"
he fs said to have exclaimed' "ho"
much we should have lost III we hau
not been ruinedy' Many of us may
much more really find our highest
blessings in our deepest tragedies
III. Nj. Il.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-10-11
ADRIFT WITH THE TIMES

NO RDDDY HEARTH FOR HIM.
Full many a song of freight,
Whose music thrills the heart
And draws a fearful tribute
Paid 10 the oet's art,
Was written by some rimer
Who had that happy dream
While hoping that the janitor
Would soon turn on the steam.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-10-11
SELF MADE HEROES.

These war correspondents write as II
a few shells more or less exploding
near them were hardly worth mention
ing"
Eyes. hut notice that's something
they never fail to mention"
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-10-11
ANYBODY NEED $4,000:

From tho New York Herald.
The board appointed to give away Mr..
Roosevelts $4,000 Nobel peace prize is
at it's wits end to find someone VINO
will accept it. Truly these be piping
times of prosperity when tidy sum
like this goes a-begging.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-10-11

From the Rochester Democrat.
0ROM MASON, the distinguished lit
erary editor of Life, declares in
* New York Times interview
that it is entirely unjust to blame the
magazines for the fact that many
promising American writer's have "pe-
tered out" He admits that a good
many authors who began well have be-
come writers of "high-priced and ut
terly worthless erotic fiction" But,
says Mr.. Mason, they would have de-
Perforated even if there had been no
magazines. He continues:
"Our writer's write as they do, yield
sometimes to the desire for popularity
as they sometimes do, deteriorate as
they sometimes do, because they are
living in a democracy and are writing
for democracy They make use of
tho ma gazines because the magazines
are convenient, hut they are not really
Influenced by the magazines"
1t might be added that Mr.. Mason
speaks from the standpoint of the mag
aznes, and may not be able to take an
Impartial! view of the matter. Maya
zines are valuable in that they provide
q market and medium for young au-
thors of merit. But sometimes they
unmake the same young men and wom-
en- whom they have raised to literary
prominence. A writer. for instance.
sells six or seven good short Stories
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-10-11
BALTIMORE IDIosYNCRAsIEs

BALTIMORE IDIOSYNCHASlES
Julian Street, in Golfers Weekly.
The Baltimore club (of Baltimore) IS
used by a group of the younger men
and has a particularly pleasant home In
large mansion. formerly the residence
OF the Abel family. long known in con-
nection with that noteworthy old sheet.
the Baltimore Sun. which, it may be re-
marked in passing, is curiously referred
to by many Baltimoreans, not as the
sun" but as the Sun paper"
This odd item reminds me of another:
In the Baltimore telephone book
CHANGED to notice under the letter 'f''
the entry:
.Fisher, Frank. of ].
Upon inquiry learned that the sig
nificance of this was that. there being
more than one gentleman of the name Of
Frank Fisher in the city. this Frank
Fisher added "of u to his name mean
ing "son of John') for purposes of diff
ferentiaton. 1t was informed further
that this custom is not uncommon in
Baltimore, in cases where the same name
is duplicated, and I was shown another
example. that of John Fyfe Symington,
of s.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-10-11
WE'LL, HARDLY.

Atlas held the world on his shoul'
ders."
That's the story"
Still. he probably didn't have his
hands as full as the chap who pitches
crucial game in a world series"