davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Seattle star. [volume] (Seattle, Wash.) 1899-1947, 1916-06-08

/. Dear f. u. K-I weigh IFS
.pornds and have a 22-inch chest. |
am in love with young lady who
weighs 220 and does heavy lifting
In q hand laundry. When | told
her that would always be her pro
tecfor she laughed most annoy
.ingly. Why did she do IT.
) Anr~er-Gosh. Pereivai. n you
cant guess. we're too kind to put
yUu Wise.
The Seattle star. [volume] (Seattle, Wash.) 1899-1947, 1916-06-08
THE ELEPHANT

AMT NATURE WONDERFUL
unnafurni History
The Seattle star. [volume] (Seattle, Wash.) 1899-1947, 1916-06-08

That Amt sieyphunti Sure
AN, 1t looks more Ike = half
inflated observation baiioonf
Well. Just the same It's an eie-
plant. See the ivory tusksf TIE
elephant r. a very immense piece OF
snimal-even bigger than an exAs-
gcrafion.
The arrow points 10 a giant flea
70 show the relative size OF the ets-
plant and the flea The elephant In
. very slow thinker. II takes him a
long time To make up his mind. but
the siephant has nothing on con-
Grcss.
Once upon a time the elephant
used TO have a corner on the ivory
market. but he lost out on account OF
too much competition. Ivory can be
found In large quantities all over
now. The elephant doesn't conceal
hts ivory. but ivory nowadays is
hidden under derbies
The elephant used 70 be the big
attraction In cfrcuses until they
found prize fighting elephant. The
elephant carries a trunk because a
yalisc isn't big enough to take care
OF his wardrobe
The Seattle star. [volume] (Seattle, Wash.) 1899-1947, 1916-06-08
ORArORY A REAL GIEI

Clyde Rodkey. who II becoming
famous as an after-dinner speaker.
made himself real fayorfie with
at least three families the other
day. when he ploved their gardens
and refused to be paid for his
work.-Blue Rapids. Kan. Times.
The Seattle star. [volume] (Seattle, Wash.) 1899-1947, 1916-06-08
SKIN

SKIN
The skin Is one OF the principal
organs for throwing off waste
The Seattle star. [volume] (Seattle, Wash.) 1899-1947, 1916-06-08

Dear F. ID. K.--A young man who
says he Is a moving picture actor
has asked me TO marry him. When
i asked him II he could support a
: wife he replied that I could SO to
AL the moving picture shows free.
/. Do you think am justified IN &C.
scepting him.
Answe him N he serves
meals with his free moving pic
~ture shows.
The Seattle star. [volume] (Seattle, Wash.) 1899-1947, 1916-06-08
-
| OUR AeARr-sAIM DEPART.
MENT

Dear r. ID. K.-Three weeks ago
i met nice young man who said
he was a banker from Kalamazoo.
We became fast friends. lie asked
me to let him have sS,T5 10 pay his
car fare TO New York 20 see his
friend. J. p Morgan, as all Of his
money was tied up IN war stocks.
i did. haven't seen him since. DO
you think he loves me-
think he loves you-sS.75 worth.
The Seattle star. [volume] (Seattle, Wash.) 1899-1947, 1916-06-08
Perfectly Plain

NEARLY all the warning countries have promptly put que
that President Wilson would consent to act mediate
that his overureS if made would be rejected.
If there can be produced any more conclusive evidence tn
traity, we do not know what form il would take
is equally convincing proof that this country can look
from Europe in trouble il into aftena
We will have to fight battles il any unhapply c
while erstwhe European friends stand aloof and sick
war"
To fail to adequately prepare to meet postwar conditions,
conditions clearly orecasted would be the Of
has translated the handwriting the wall into Of pnes
The Seattle star. [volume] (Seattle, Wash.) 1899-1947, 1916-06-08
Justice BrandeiS

" INDICATION has been given fine and justice do
confirmation OF Louis Brandeis.
The people have lost their lawyer The supreme benc
member whom II out-vote by or majority and 81
have 10.
The Seattle star. [volume] (Seattle, Wash.) 1899-1947, 1916-06-08

blood, liver and bowelreguIarity,
a Strengthening of all the forces
that stand for better health. TRY
The Seattle star. [volume] (Seattle, Wash.) 1899-1947, 1916-06-08
Autonomy Nothing

ONDON papers say he allies fighting for the autonomy
IL OF course, this only time CUFF
For good many years Britain and Russia have been enc
profit the knocking of autonomy out Of Egypt India Africa
SUCH and the world will have have solid proof that the ka
formed the present allies by pitching into them.
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
Appreciated Himself.

An artist should consider facts about the masters of his profession calmly and thoughtfully. He may reach val uable conclusions about himself. A certain musical composer of much tai ent and popularity-we will call him Smithkins-has a happy appreciation of his own work. as his friends all know. So highly does he estimate Smithkins' compositions that some of his friends were much startled the other day when he said. gravely: Did you ever notice that the names of all the great composers begin with M?'' "M?" calculated his astonished audi ence. Yes, M," said the composer, Mozart, Mendelssohn, Meyerbeer Moszkowski-and Mel"
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
GERMANS ADVISED
 ID OBSERVE LAWS
COUNT VoN 6ERNsToRFF DELiV- FRS MESSAGE RECEIVED
 FROM BERLIN.
RESPECT U. s. NEUTRALITY
Berlin Let's 1t Be Known That She Has Never Countenanced Any Acts That Violate the Laws
 of Any State.

Washington. - Germany. through Count von Bernstorff. has instructed all German consuls in the United States to admonish German cluzens in their districts to scrupulously oD- serve American laws. This was done in an effort to end various alleged vio. iations of American neutrality.
 The ambassador acted on instruc- tions from the Berlin Foreign Office. The action was announced in this of. fieial statement from the German em- bassy:
 "In consequence of cases which have occurred of late the German am bassador has sent instruction to all German consults in the United States to strongly impress upon German eiti- zens living in their districts that 1t Is their duty scrupulously to obey the laws of the state in which they re side
 1t was said at the German embassy that the instructions were designed to prevent plots or laWlessness oa the part ot the German citizens who might be disposed to engage Ill such. The German government, it was said, looks with great disfayor upon any such conduct and desires that they shall not engage in any undertaking in any way outside the law.
 It was not disclosed whether speci' ffe cases have been brought to the at tention of the German government, but 1t was made clear that Berlin Of, fieials want the United States and it's people to understand that they have not eountenanced any illegal affairs with which German citizens or sympa- thlzers in this country have been connected.
 Count von Bernstorff's instructions were received and were forwarded to German consuls immediately.
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25

soldier England the
  material reconstructed Many of the articles found excavation will be placed in
  and MT Bolton William recovered the relics from the Cold Bucknghamshire Twenty third Welsh e Ftysond and Fortseeond Innlskiing regiments and others covered with from
  the hill  had stood family earth orchard that
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
Indian Bill Perfected.

Washington $t1,000.00 In- dian appropriation bill was perfected in the house and Senate and went to the president. It denies the long con tested right of the Mississippi Ghoc- taws to participate in tribal funds; makes stringent regulations on the presence of liquor on Indian reserya- tions: opens up new irrigible lands Tn Montana and Arizona and appropriates for sae preservation of the remaining works of the Arizona Cliff DweIlers
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
PLACING THE LEAD.

Well, doctor, will the opef@tion cure me?"
 We are not in a position always to guarantee a cure" Well, will it give me measure of health?"
 Undoubtedly; but you must not ask too much"
 "Is asking to live too much :?
 You cannot live without the oper- ation"
 Can live with it?" There is a chance" Well, there's a chance without it. T certainly have not said it"
 All the same, I'll take it. I'm from Wall street Judge
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
Allies Ruuinn Horses.

East St. Louis. Ill.-British agents here resumed buying horses. Commis- sion men have sent buyers all over the West to get horses The British are willing to take 1000 a week and the French and Belgians about 5o0 The total amount spent by the allies for horses here since the war began ex- ceeds 37.OOO.OOO
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
Fair Warnind-

Papa, dear" said the daughter who was beginning to carry weight for age, you must not worry because Leander is going to marry me and take me away from you"
 Nay. nay, daughter" replied the fond parent, "a little thing like that isn't going to get me expelled from the Don't Worry club, but if he ever does anything that will cause you to move your trunk back home, I'll certainly do him bodily injury"
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
Cause for Satiefaetion

"Why did you listen so patiently to Dubwaite's hard luck story? was bored to death."
 'It possessed an element of novelty for me-
 4I don't see why?"
 For the first time in weeks I came out winner in the poker game last night that started DubWaite out this morning trying to borrow $10."
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
Paper Money Is Burned

Mexico City. Paper currency amounting to S46,00O, 0VV was burned in the courtyard of the National Pal ace, with government officials and bankers interested spectators. The money was part of the old Vera Cruz issue. which is slowly being sup planted by the new uncounterfeitable hills
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
Prosperity in Japan.

Japan's golden tide from the manu- facture and sale of war munitions and supplies continues. The foreign trade of Japan for the second ten days of February. 1t is reported. was valued at $11, 800 worth of exports, and sS,953.500 imports, balance of S2,- 160,000 in favor of exports. Compared with the corresponding period of last year, exports have increased by ST. 260,000.
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
Measurino the Wind.

At all our ports are wind-measur- ing instruments, or anemometers windD, the reading of which is of great importance to sailing yes sells. The anemometer measures wind speed; 1t is like weather vane, with cups instead of letters at the ends of its arms. The cups, catching the wind. whiz around. and thus turn the cen
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
Overheard in Cambria.

Welsh Porter (excitedly)-See there is Davit Lloyd-George, look you.
 Calm Passenger-Well, what about it?
 Welsh Porter-But 1t is Lloyd George himself-the minister of muni- tions Whateffer
 Calm Passenger-Well, l don't care. He's not the Almighty
 Welsh Porter-No inteet-but he is only a young man yet, look you!- Passing Show.
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
Strictly Literal.

A young girl was talking to a friend of the illness of a society matron to whom both were devoted Why. asked the girl, do they want to get a surgeon from another city for that ep- eration ?" T understand" said the friend. that there is no specialist here to do it." But" insisted the girl. they told me at the hospital that the trouble was purely local"
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
EnQIishmen Recalled.

London-All married Englishmen eligible for military service, who are living abroad but who ordinarily are residents of Great Britain. must re- turn to England at once and report for military duty, it was announced in the House of Commons by Sir George Cave. the solicitor general.
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
Pleasant in lnauqurated.

Baton Rouge, La.-Ruftian c. Pleas ant was inaugurated governor of Louisiana, succeeding Luther E. Hall. In his inaugural address Governor Pleasant advocated abolition of the fee systems for public officers and urged efforts to bring settlers from other states and foreign counties to l Lauisiana
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25

Chpendale
   overnight selling could be easily counted extended dg closed would
 
    The of work The heads of the public employ  breaking offices all doud 
   a o perform
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
Shave Yourself For a Dime.

Chieago.-A barber shop where one slaves himself was started in the loop. It is called a shaveteria. The shop Is divided into compartments. which are fitted with every accessory. The patron has his choice of the safety or the old-fashioned razor. The charge is 10 cents.
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
How Was He Punished :?

Washington, - Secretary Lansing announced that he had asked Ambas. sador Gerard at Berlin to ascertain the nature of the punishment imposed by the government on the commander of the submarine which sunk the steamer Sussex.
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
Hint 1 ost.

Miss Singer certainly does get things mixed when she wants to quote. What do you think she said today when the dear children got into the parlor while she was calling?"
 What she say?'
 Children should he clean. not smeared."
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
But They Led Him Away.

You are to be shot at sunrise" ''Is that final, general?"
 Absolutely"
 Wont 1t do just as we'll if I get half shot on two succeeding sunrises. am used to that, and"
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
The Family EavorJte

'1 hear that you have been men, tione as a favorite son."
 Yes" replied Senator Sorghum; but being favorite son generally means that you're expected to be po- lite and not act too greedy when the pie Is being passed"
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
A Lucky Capture.

Gee, he's lucky cop"
 Flows that?"
 He arrested fellow last night for leaving his car on the wrong side of the street and when he got him to the station he discovered he was no- torious burglar
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
One Thing Missino.

Man, remarked the professor has perfect organ of speech"
 Well, so has woman" said tbe sr, fragette."
 Pardon me, but you are wrong" replied the professor. Hers has no stops"
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
A Just Grievance.

More discriminatory legislation! Gonfound the luck!" exclaimed the motorist.
 Whats the trouble?"
 Another ordinance is proposed to safeguard pedestrians. Why, they're so pampered now they act as if they thought the streets belonged to them"
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25

tral shaft This passes down into a box in which are several dials. The indicators of these dials are connected with the shaft, and move according to it's revolutions. Thus the number of revolutions of the cup in a certain time gives the exact speed in miles per hour
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
Great Scheme

Why are you staring at those lunch. room chairs?"
 See that broad arm on which ,o set food?"
 "Well?"
 I'm going to have that set dupp- cated in mahogany for afternoon teas"
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
Reed to Succeed Rinns

Washington President Wilson nominated Eugene E. Reed of New Hampshire to be a member of the Philippine Commission, succeeding Clinton L. Riggs of Baltimore, re- signed.
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
An Ideal,

"old Goldust made his youngtwife an ideal husband in the good and merry life he gave her"
 How was that?"
 First, he made her a good hus- band and then he made her merry widow"
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
Has a Heavy rnuch

Jones-Does my daughters n,ano practice annoy you?
 Neighbor-Not at all But, tell mo what does she wear-mittens or bor. ing gloves Life.
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25

 in the I
  know he rightful said willing he swar hom
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
A Giddv Creature.

You say Miss Gadders fell fin love with young Twobble because he is so light on his feet?"
 Yes"
 But surely she doesn't suppose a man of that sort will be able to pro vide a good home for her."
 "Oh, she won't need home. She expects to spend most of her time in cabarets.'
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
Apparently Reconclled.

q notice one trend of thought"
 What is that?"
 Most people have given up trying to figure the wherefore of the high cost of living and are hustlipg for the price"
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
A Financial Difficulty.

"Seaweed has been found to be pro- life in fuel oil"
 But If they organize a company to exploit it won't they fist have to squeeze the water out of the stock 2"
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
PassinQ Inadyer+enea

hepuplics are ungrateful." re- marked the gloomy citizen.
 Not ungrateful," replied Senator Sorghum; "only a little careless and forgetful at times"
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
A Natural Puzzle.

Tt is queer that Gwendolyn can't duck of girl"
 Then she ought to be able to get into the swim"
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
Shouldn't Desnair

She called me an 'abysmal brute.
 Don't be cast down, son. Some women can't resist that type of man. If she was not referring to your table manners you may stand a pretty good chance to win her yet
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25

Wal IT UIII HUIn UotU Uy UUNII I1I ItI7II and Americans 140 years ago.
 The searchers had uncovered 47 huts. great variety of utensils, coins, buttons, and other articles were recovered In a cache at the side of squat-stone fireplace In one of the huts were found 12 regimental buttons of the Fifty-seeond British Regiment of Foot, now the Oxford light infantry The buttons are of pewter with steel eyes and gilt edges, and are we'll preserved MT. Bolton
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
Not QuiteI

Are all branches of the army ap- propriately armed?" of course. Why do you ask?"
 Because am sure the cavalry hasn't horse pistols
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
Ammunition IS Cap,ureo.

Laredo, Tex.-One million rounds of rifle ammunition, which Mexicans ar- tempted to smuggle across the river into Mexico, near here, was confis- cated by troops here.
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25

the trouble. and w. c. FrizZle bailih of the city court, was appealed to.
 T want my bees,' said the orig inal owner; they have gone to that fellows home"
 Frizzle began an investigation to ascertain whether he had authority to return the bees to the rightful owner After consulting many law books, this was his conclusion. as expressed in his own words:
 'I find that before you can ob- tain your bees you must have them
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
His Feat.

"A marine artist can do something nobody else has ever succeeded in do. ing"
 Whats that?"
 Making oil and water mix"
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
Cutters.

Sometimes he's rather far 10 seek The man who shows a winning streak, Although one sees at every glance The chaps who say they've had no
 chance.
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
Eouipment to Border.

Columbus, N. M.-Aeroplane ma. chine guns and bomb dropping de- vices arrived here for the use of the First Aero Squadron.
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
Information Wanted

Little Lemuel-Say, paw?
 Paw-Well, what is it, son? Little Lemuel-Do the Cuban wom- en wear Havana wrappers all the year round?
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
Alabama BaiIiH Orders Bees Arrested by Name

RMINGHAM AIAseomng involved
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
Some Understandlnc.

Shahespeare's plays are to be present. ed on the screen.
 Phyle-I hope they play Hamlet.
 Why"
 T am curious to see how the movie stars will tackle Hamlets soliloquy in pantomime."
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
Too Bad.

He motored out to take the air And felt he really must; But swifter cars were everywhere He merely took the dust.
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
Revolutionary Army Huts Uncovered in New York

NEW New Workers gathered about excavation iS Reginald Bolton relics the Revolutionary
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
Suffrage Orator Yielded to Chicago Newsboy

conflict the day between suffrage and
 N Congregational Union for Woman sunrage staged
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25

dressed for afternoon tea. There are few applicants who are willing to don overalls and sail right into old man work. just as ii they meant to give him regular run for his money They all expect to land jobs in one jump as a railroad president It's the trend of the times. Everybody's been read
 ing about the money being cleaned up down fin Wall street in the last year, and only few are willing to consider employment that doesn't carry
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25

Father-And did you see the eaTf mixed while you were n the countr,s. Nillie-Yes; it's got spring faucets that you cant leave running.
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25

She-Is it true that you said my face was enough to make man climb fence?
 He-Well, I-er-meant. Of course, if the man was on the other side of the fence.
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25
Unemployed in Gotham Are Mighty Particular

NEW YoRKThere plenty " trouble according the cty employment
 looking whitecolar jobs while
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25

street meeting at Michigan avenue and Van Buren street. She took a position on the running board of an automobile. which stood beside a news stand. and the following dia- logue ensued
 At the present moment the suf- frage situation is very ."
 Just out Score t ball game"
 promising. Senator L. Y. sherman and the other poli-
The Monticellonian., 1916-05-25

 declare onau mi I got m. l got 'em The latest" 0 et m know wha the people "An about it. Poiper, Il" really The
  O O "Yoi.
  He push Miss aske Dye selln Hill business  As talked other
The Wheeling intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1903-1961, 1916-04-12
POPULAR BELIEF DIsPELLED

The Democratic marty ae soon a. %
assumed the -.ir. ~, s,,,..rr-,,,,, -,
mot cot do.y-,. o., .,,..t.t.,. 90 -,
ness ouf,t e,o,c, ,,s.t.,..,.,..,..
Was df-.,t,d ,I,-o., ,-hou.. 80. -,
,pa and epba-rs-.i,.,. srct, -.
This was esp.ci,lIy tr,. ~ ,h. -
trial interests that ua-o n,os,ra,..
and many n, thor, brop,h, ~. ,,o -.
of bankr,tcy vb., th. r,-o...., 90
interviewed and reyfr., 49,, ~
profits Of ,ornoratfo,s h.,. .f,,..,.-
been exaggerated nv tb., ,or,,o, q.
tho rub.ic aaga- IN hal, ~, .t.
Federal Trade Corri..ro, ,ovor ro-
for,,s s,o,t.~ ,.,,,.i.. .......s