The Pleasantville press. (Pleasantville, N.J.) 1912-1929, 1916-01-15

great Al Ras-
child turn Haroun in his grave. II not
SO then the assertion should do so, the
real caliph having been a wit and a
scholar and therefore a Halter of puns.
How properly to alleviate the trou-
bles Of the poor Is one of the greatest
troubles of the rich. But one thing
agreed upon by all professional philan-
t~hropists Is that you must never hand
over any cash to your subject. The
poor are VIGOROUSLY temperamental,
and when they get money they exhibit
a strong tendency to spend 1t for stuff
ed olives and enlarged crayon portraits
instead OF giving it to the installment
man.
And still old Haroun had some adj
vantages as an eleemOsynarian. He
took around with him on his rambles
his vizier, Giafar "a vizier is a compo-
site of a chauffeur, a secretary of state
and a night and day bank, and old
:. Uncle Mesrour, his executioner, who
toted a snickersnee. With this en-
tourage a caliphing tour could hardly
fail to be successful. Have you no
tlCeu lately dHy cWSDupCl dlllSlCo
headed "What Shall We Do With Our
Ex-presidents?" Well, now, suppose
Mr.. Carnegie should Engage them and
Jess Willard to go about assisting in
the distribution of free libraries? Do
you suppose any town would have the
hardihood to refuse one? That caliph-
alous combination would cause two
libraries to grow where there had been
only one set of f.. P. Roe's works be-
fore.
, But, as l said, the money caliphs
are handicapped. They nave the idea
that earth has no sorrow that dough
cannot heal, and they rely upon it sole
ly. Al Raschid administered justice.
rewarded the deserving and punished
whomsoever he disliked on the spot.
He was the originator of the short
story contest. Whenever he succored
any chance pickup in the bazaars he
always made the succoree tell the
- sad story of his life. If the narrative
Hacked construction, style and esprit
he commanded his vizier to dole him
out a couple of thousand ten dollar
notes of the First National Bank of
the Bosporus, or else gave him a soft
job as Keeper of the Bird Seed for the
Bulbuls in the Imperial Gardens. If
the story was a crackerjack he had
Mesrour, the eXecutioner, whack off
his head. The report that Haroun Al
3Raschid is yet alive and is editing the
magazine that your grandmother used
to subscribe for lacks confirmation.
And now follows the "Story of the
Millionaire. 1.-THE Inefficacious Incre-
ment'' and THE Babes Drawn From
J the Wood
Young Howard Pilkins, the million
aire, got his money ornithologically.
He was a shrewd judge of storks and
got in on the ground floor at the resi-
dence of his immediate ancestors, the
Pilkins Brewing company. Fol his
mother was a partner in the business.
Finally old man Pilkins died from a
torpid liver. and then Mrs. Pilkins died
from worry on account of torpid de-
liverv wagons-and there you have
young Howard Pilkins with $1,000, 900,
and a good fellow at that. He was
an agreeable, modestly arrogant young
man, who implicitly believed that
money could buy anything that the
world had to offer. And B%agdad-on-
t~he-Subway for a long time did every
thing possible to encourage his belief.
But the rat trap caught him at last.
fHe heard the spring snap and found
his heart in a wire Gag regarding a
piece of cheese whose other name was
Alice Won der Ruysling.
The Won der Ruyslings still live in
that little square about which so much
has been said and in which so little
has been done. Today you heal of Mr..
Tilden's underground passage, and you
heal Mr.. Gould's elevated passage, and
! dat about ends the noise in the world
made by Gramercy square. But once
1t was different. The Won der Rugs
lings live there yet, and they received
the first key ever made to Gramercy
park.
55ou shall have no description of Alice
v. d. Il. Just call up in YOU mind
.e8ss picture of your own Maggie or Vera
s4sor Beatrice, straighten her nose, soften
Rgher voice, tone her down and then tone
Aher up, make her beautiful and unat.
Stainable, and you nave a faint dry
Apoint etching of Alice. The family
fOwned a crumbly brick house and a
Acoachman named Joseph in a Goa of
many colors, and a horse so old that
The claimed to belong to the order of
the Perissodactyla, and had toes in
N )tead of hoofs. In the year 1898 the
FAMILY had to buy a new set of har-
hess for the ~Perissodactyl. Before
hsing it they made Joseph smear it
bver with a mixture of ashes and SCOT.
1T was the Won der Ruysling family
Bowery and East river and Rivingtor
street and the Statue Of Liberty. In the