The Sunday telegram. [volume] (Clarksburg, W. Va.) 1914-1927, 1916-06-11
Man Can't Run Home on Business
Basis Any Better Than a Tail
Can Wag a Dog, Argues HumOrist

ably works twelve hours a day in an
Omaha packing house. has a girl
picked out already and thinks he will
be lucky II she doesn't elopC with the
secretary Of the beef bonCrs' union.
II L.. indeed, u sorry case. There
IA Alice standing on the sloppy bankS
OF tho Ohio waiting for the ferry TO
bring home that bottle. clutchcd
tightly in the hands OF a lovosick
swain. AliCe's feet are wet. She In
getting older and colder. She con
tracts a severe cold in the head. Her
eyes arc red from weeping. likewise
her nose from blowing. She can
scarcely sing the old song:
by boddlc lies over the ocean,
BY boddle lies over the sea.
Brig bag, brig bag.
oh, brig bag by bOddlc to he"
The postmaster snCaks up behind
her with n letter. She starts. grabs
Il. tears II open.
II contains the slip OF paper from
the bottle and the information that
II was found at Santa Monica. and
that the case had been referred to the
United States Geodetic Survey. Moth
ing elsel II Bill SymOnds could have
sent that letter collect" nc probably
would have done 10.
Poor Alice. Her dream iS ended.
Five years have left her considerable
ancient. It's now too late ia repeat
the floating glassware stunt. She can
bottle her grief
What does she arc about tho good
etc survey. or the gulf stream. or
lnnmE, aV,WRnrVuE Che nW.Nu Il,r .n.,TA
not tell the difference between a geo
detlc survey and a EOdcttc skirt. She
wouldn't know n Eeodet IL she mot
one in the public road. Her diction-
AIRY tells her n EeOdetic curve Ia the
shortest line on any surface between
two points. hut the journey OF the
bottle wasn't the shortest line be
tween two hearts, so even the d%ictiOn-
AIRY is an error. Besides. what have n
lot OF long-haired scientists got to do
with II anyway? She threw the bot
Ito at Cupid and he lodged. II n lot
OF senilc Graybeards want to pick II
UP they can. But Alice IL through.
How must a farmers daughter feel
when she autographs an egg and
sends II forth, hoping II will be served
TO some young millionaire ct break
fRst-and then receives n letter from
n two-hundred pound landlady telling
her the egg was too remote TO poach
for the b%oarder's breakfast. and a
fresh n must be sen i~nstRnter?
Pretty d!scouraging. what?
A girl fruit packer wraps her name
and address around a peach, praying
II will bring her a husband by re-
turn mail. Instead she gets a mis-
PEELED note from un Italian fruit ven
der telling her hell be greatly obllE-
ed II she'll ship n little less worm
and a little more peach next time.
Some damsel SHES a bottle contain
ing her name into n creek. and In
stead Of a marriage proposal she gets
a request from a mother to please
send eighteen inches OF rubber tube
SO she can use the thing as a nurs-
ing apparatus for the youngest OF
her fourteen children.
Another bottle tosaer, desiring to
draw a husband and a few funds, re-
ceiveS a brief epigtle saying tho find
er vas impressed with the smell Of
the ex-contents and wants to know
what diBtlllery she Is advertising, so
uN StAA ANs 80 - "AAANNA n nARbAN Vi az
same wet goods.
A girl packer puts her card In n
cigarette package and gets n rude
letter from a mother telling her to
quit flirting with her thirteen-year-
old son or the police will be called.
But 1t remained for the Omaha
man to knock all hope galley-west.
He turned his find over to a brutal
geodetic survey. to a crowd OF tur-
nip-hearted men who will merely hg-
ure distance travelled, currents en-
countered and possible course.
Verify. It Ia a prosaic age and ro-
nance Is as dead aB Julius Caesar.
The last spadeful Of earth has been
heaped upon itS grave.
Bill symonds did II. A has Bill
Symondg!