Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1916-02-16


ehid turn Haroun in his grave. If not
so then the assertion should do so, the
zeal caliph having been a wit and
scholar and therefore hater Of puns.
How properly to alleviate the trou-
.Oles of the poor is one of the greatest
troubles of the rich. But one thing
agreed upon by all professional philan-
3hropists is that you must never hand
over any cash to your subject. The
poor are VIGOROUSLY temperamental,
and when they get money they exhibit
1 strong tendency to spend it for stuff
ed olives and enlarged crayon portraits
instead OF giving it to the installment
man.
And still old Haroun had some adj
vantages as an eleemosynarian. He
took around with him on his rambles
his vizier, Giafar Ga vizier is a compo-
site of a chauffeur. a secretary of state
and a night and day bank, and old
Uncle MesrOur. his eXecutioner. who
tOted Il snickersnee. With this en-
tourage a caliphing tour could hardly
fail to be successful Have you no
ticed lately any newspaper articles
headed "What Shall We Do With Our
EX-presidents?" Well, now, suppose
Mr. Carnegie should engage them and
Jess Willard to go about assisting in
the distribution of free libraries? Do
you suppose any town would have the
hardihOOd to refuse one? That caliph-
alOuS combination would cause two
libraries to grow where there had been
only one set of E. ?. Roe's works be-
fore.
But. as 1 said, the money caliphs
are handicapped. They have the idea
that earth has no sorrow that dough
cannot heal, and they rely upon it sole
~. Al Raschid administered justice,
rewarded the deserving and punished
Whomsoever he disliked on the spot
He was the originator of the short
story contest. Whenever he succored
any chance pickup in the baZaars he
always made the succoree tell the
sad story of his life. If the narrative
lacked construction, style and esprit
he commanded his viZier to dole him
out a couple Of thousand ten dollar
notes of the First National Bank of
the BOspOrus, or else gave him a soft
job as Keeper of the Bird Seed for the
Bulhuls in the Imperial Gardens If
the story was d crackerjack he had
MesrOur, the eXecutiOner, Whack off
his head. The report that Haroun AL
Raschid is yet alive and is editing the
magazine that your grandmother used
to subscribe for lacks confirmation.
And now follows the STORY of the
Millionaire" 1.-The Inefficacious Incre-
ment' and THE Babes Drawn From
the Wood
Young Howard Pilkins, the million
aire, got his money ornithologically.
He was Il shreWd judge of storks and
got in on the ground floor at the resi-
dence OF his immediate ancestors, the
Pilkins Brewing company. For his
mother was q partner in the business.
Finally old man Pilkins died from a
torpid liver. and then Mrs PilkinS died
from worry Oh account of torpid de-
livery WagOnS-and there you have
young Howard Pilkins with $4,000 .O0O
and good fellow at that He was
an agreeable, modestly arrogant young
man, who implicitly believed that
money could buy anything that the
world had to offer. And Bagdad-on-
the-SubWay for a long time did every.
thing possible to encourage his belief
But the rat trap caught him at last
He heard the spring snap and found
his heart in wire cage regarding q
piece of cheese whose other name was
Alice Won der Ruysling.
The Won der Ruyslngs still live II
that little square about which SO much
has been said and in which so little
has been done. Today you hear Of Mr.
Tilden's underground passage, and yor
hear Mr.. Gould's elevated passage, anG
that about ends the noise in the world
made by Gramercy square. But once
it was different. The Won der Rugs
lings live there yet. and they received
the first key ever made to Creamery
park.
You shall have no description of Alice
V. d. r. Just call up in your MIND
the picture of your own Maggie or Yer;
or Beatrice, straighten her nose, softer
her voice, tone her down and then tone
her up, make her beautiful and unat
tainabie, and you have a faint DIR!
point etching of Alice. The famil!
owned a crumbly brick house and
eoachman named Joseph in a coat o
many colors, and a horse so old tina
be claimed to belong to the order o
the Perissodactyla, and had toes in
stead Of hoofs. In the year 1898 tn
family had to buy a new set of har
ness for the Perissodactyl Befor,
using it they made Joseph smear
over with mixture of ashes and SCOT
It was the Won der Ruysling famil,
that bought the territory between tn
Bowery and East river and Rivingtol
street and the Statue Of Liberty, in tn
EEEs&14-