The Ozark spectator., 1916-12-13

ID an assorted collection of petri-
 fed relationsf
 Take 1t from me, lodging benzine buggies on the boulevard is sleepy work In comparison.
 Friend wife concluded 1t was up to us to squeeze few uncles and aunts into our by dining room and throw turkey wings at them, so I coaxed my nervous system to behave and told Peaches to cut loose.
 She sat down and invited Uncle Pe- ter Grant and Aunt Martha. Uncle Gregory Smith and Aunt Bessie. Then she went in. took another look at the dining room and stopped.
 Invited Bud Hawley, his wife Sybil, and Hep Hardy, and explained to them that we would all have to sit edge-on at the table and get our meat cut in the kitchen, so as to avoid hitting each other on the funny bone, and 1t was 60 ordered.
 Hep arrived early. He always does. He generally breezes in with the in- formation that four pages Of tango music are waiting for him In some i hoof palace, and he has to hurry away, but on this occasion he concluded to see the fight to finish.
 Then the other members of our din. ner party began arriving and the mad revel was on.
 Uncle Peter brought a friend-the famous food expert, Doctor Smother joy.
 The doctor is a high card with Uncle Peter.
 He Is one of those old ginks with beady eyes and license to hunt for germs, and everything he eats has first to give the countersign and then % through a written examination.
 Uncle Peter believes every word that leaves Doc Smotherjoy's face. but for my part I think he's an old Cam embert.
 At any rate, no sooner were we seat ed at the table than Doc parted his whiskers carefully, coughed to attract attention. then picked up little-neck clam on the end of his fork and pro- ceeded to give 1t the third degree.
 "The adulteration of foodstuffs these days Is being carried on to an extent worse than criminal" the old bluff be- gan sOlemnly. "Ah, even here I see traces of sally-sillic acid with borax- ph0sphos even here on this clam."
 Put little tabascos on it and cut lOose," suggested Bud Hawiey.
 Have lemon," said Hep. Squeeze 1t over the clans and make wtsh."
 Uncle Peter listened with marked at tention, while Uncle Gregory glanced at his clans and shuddered.
 The doctor ate his unconcernedly, 1 When the soup came on the Doc lifted a spoonful thoughtfully, then sloshed 1t slowly back into his plate, while the two unkies eyed him ner- vously.
 Its bullyon," whispered Uncle Pe- ter, anxious to prove the soups in- nocence.
 "Here," said the doctor, examining his spoonful critically. There are traces of hydrophosphates and about ten per cent philharmonic acid" aS'NA Nut SO0P, SuAkicu OuClc Greg because it's waste of good space"
 The doctor said nothing more, but quietly surrounded his soup. When the fish was served the doc tor danced over his plate with his fork and said, "Hydrostatic acid with here and there symptoms of manganese germs and a few sulphide microbes"
 Uncle Gregory pushed his plate back with sigh that was pitiful to hear. 1 Peaches was now so nervous that her hands were doing a shaker dust, and there was big pink spot on each cheek.
 The others at the table. with the exception of nervous old Uncle Greg. ory paid not the slightest attention to Doctor Busyface. Even Uncle Peter threw away his germ fear after the clam episode, and took a long chance with everything from soup to nuts. Next we had some turkey with mashed potatoes, green peas and aspAragus tips.