davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-04
Stephens
Statistics
By JOHN PHILIP ORTIZ



There was no question but that Miss
Gladys Farnham got a good husband
when she married stephen Agnew. He
was with life insurance company
and stood high for character. For the
first three months after marriage
there were entertainments at home
and the theater and other things
abroad. but then a change came. Mr..
Agnew became preoccupied. He went
about whispering to himself, and he
neither wanted company at home nor
to seek advertisement outside. Every
night upon his arrival home it was the
library for him, and all the explana-
ton he had was that he was very busy
with Office matters.
If the young wife had been a coax
ing. persistent woman she could have
learned all about it after bit, but she
didn't coax, and after what she felt
was the one rebuff, she had no more
questions to ask. She took 1t out In
thinking and at the end of six months
she had come to the conclusion that
her husband was a disappointed man
in marriage He was still kindly and
even-tempered, but unless something
preyed on his mind, why should he go
about with that absent look on his
face. and why should he shut himself
up at home?
There was a reason, and the wonder
was that it did not leak out sooner
The life insurance company had pro-
NOTED Mr.. Agnew on his marriage to a
higher position and more salary but
as an offset he must delve into stats
tics until he could reel right off the
number of old women in Indiana who
would die before the year expired, and
| the number of old men in Michigan
who would never see another Christ
mas. He must gather into the folds
of his memory all the diseases that
carried the insured to the grave-the
average of longevity since Moses came
out of the bulrushes-the action Of the
human heart after meal of pork ant
beans-what the difference was be
tween a man taking three or six nips
per day, and many other things.
He wasn't the man to give up afte
he had started in, simply because sta
tistics danced before him day ant
night, but he kept on accumulatin'
and his wife kept on thinking she wa
shamefully neglected, until a china
came A friend limited at divorce, AM
that brought the climax.
The plan adopted belonged to Mrs
Agnew alone. There was no statistic
in it; that is, none that she had t
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-04
VISITOR FROM TEXAS SEES
AUBURNDALE IN HURRY

, The secretary OF the oakland
Board of Trade and also of the Polk
County Goods Roads Association, y.
! j. llolworty, is a busy man. Con-
seqrrntly, while recognizing that if
you haven't seen Auburndale you
haven't seen Florida, and wishing to
confer that pleasure on his father
! in-law. Col. C. II. Merriman, of
| Corpus Christi, Texas, who is visit
ing Linn and Mrs. IIolworty in Lake
larl. he could only spare the time
| between the noon and five 0 clock
trains. 1t is safe to say, however,
1 that col Merriman saw enough
scenery to fill his mind with pleas
ant Visions for many a day.
/ Nays celebrated MaXpunk was
/ pressed into service as the rubber
necE wagon, and with Mr.. May and
1 Editor Hanna aboard as "spielers,
Col. Norman and Mr. Holworthy
were met at the train and taken in
charge. Dinner was the first stop,
an! was marked by some strawberry
shCrtcake that was a dream of bliss,
tho visitors declared and the first
Of the season they had had.
The rubberneck wagon then cot
under way and steamed around to
Lake Stella, past the splendid new
school house, pausing on the hill for
view, then on past the many pref
ty residences bordering Lake Ariana,
past the Seminole Club, on the Camp
Correr. east to the North Clay Road,
and ont this over the hills between
hundreds of acres of new and old
groves in what is probably one of
the finest citrus locations in all
Florida.
AT the proper point the party
turned westward for the Gapway
trail, and spent an hour looking
over this incomparably beautiful
estate between Lakes Arietta and
Juliana. graciously directed by its
charming hostess, Mrs. Rediield,
Tho Gapway is a place that no de-
description ever penned can over
praise
Cominq back. the drive around
Lake Arictta was taken to Winona
PARK, and then along the Ariana
boulevard to the May home, where
Farmer May paused to display with
mEeh pride his kitchen garden, con-
tanning 'stecn varieties of veSe-
tables that made man fairly raven
Gus to look at thcm-and Farmer
May raised them all by himself in
: his spare time and also in his back
: yard-yes, sir!
Again the Maxpunk made head
} way and voyaeed on Ground hrifn"
then to little Lake Whistler, the
sapphire gem in emerald setting, ant
l on 70 the Florida & Georgia nur
: series and Griffin's farm, then bach
to the Ariana Boulevard at Bierce'!
[ corner, and on around the lake into
} town. Fom that point short rur
: was taken down Lake street to Capt
Basiecr's beautiful estate and thu
public dock with its beautiful view
G of Lake Ariana. Still having som
time left, the chariot then Sc
out to Roselawn, Mr. Cline's beau
tiful home on Lake Lena, in tn
e fourth ward.
:, Il wish l had some of my friend
d here to see these beautiful scenes,
I said Col Merriman, with a regret
e full sigh, in summing up his impres
: sions. LAS it is, l won't dare to tie
: them half the story, for they coul
/ hardly believe the plain truth abou
: Auburndale ''-Auburndale News.
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-04
Naluable Fruit.

Grapes are wholesome and delight
ful food. They are in the class of de-
mulcents and are highly beneficial to
those suffering from various illnesses.
Apples are correctives, and are very
useful in overcoming nausea from sea-
sickness and other CAUSES. They are
also very cooling as stomach sedatives
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-04


house! Heavens, man, If
And he went up the street on the
run. with the German delicatessen
man and many small boys crying
"Stop thief" behind him. The few
seconds that it took him to unlock the
door seemed hours. Down the nan
and into the sitting room, and he reel
ed as he noted what was on the read
ing table. A glass of water, Spoon
square of paper bearing the laDei
"Arsenic."
"Shes done it,"
Mr.. Agnew's statistics told him that
at least four residents of Vine avenue
ought to commit suicide that year but
it had never occurred to him that MS
wife might be one of the number.
With a groan that ended in wall ne
entered the bedroom. There, on the
bed. was his wife and clutched in her
fingers was a slip of paper bearing
the words:
Il forgive you! FAREWELL"
A cry-a wail-the doctor!
The medical man said it was prob
ably too late, but he would do his best,
| If the patient had taken all the poison
it was an overdose and her life might
be saved Mr.. Agnew was sent for
emetics and stomach pump and then
kept busy in the kitchen, and the doc
tor was about to begin serious work
when the woman sat up in bed and
whispered:
as he out in the kitchen?"
eyes. Did you take poison?"
"Not a grain"
"Well what sort Of circus do you
call this?"
Il want to scare Stephen"
"Oh. | see So the poison is all q
bluff?"
stephen is a good man, doctor, but
he's all taken up with statistics OF
something and l can't get him out OF
the house of an evening or enjoy his
company myself. l thought he ought
to have a shock. Help me with it.
The doctor did Mr.. Agnew came
in from the kitchen with mustard
water and the hot-water bag and sail
and various other things, and he heart
the stomach pump going and the doc
tor saying to himself that there was
just one chance in thousand.
statistics in that case are ever com
piled. they will show that his tears
flowed freely.
Drawn back from the grave at last
and the doctor taken his departure
the husband hung over the bed anC
appealed:
Darling, what drove you to do it
what. what?"
"Your neglect"
"Rut II"
"You had got to be stick of stats
tics You thought of nothing else
You handed me mortuary tables fror
morning It'll nicht, and made m
} dream of them as we'll. Why, Stepl
, en- can tell you how many men i
Ohio will break their necks in tn
next twelve months
"Um, | see | had to learn til
tables and carry them in my head"
The recovery of the patient was S
rapid that the husband left for tn
Office at the usual hour next mornin'
He was back in a couple Of hour
however, to eXclaim:
"Now old times shall come back!
''What is it. dear?'
1--WE changed from life to fire il
surance"
, ! "Yes?"
"All the statistics you have to carr
: in fire insurance is that out of 800
farm barns, 81 will be struck by ligh
ming between May and October!'
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-04
Responslhlllty Surrender

Your wife is an enthusia!
vocate Of woman suffrage" "l
piled Mr.. Meekton. And Im
1t. She's going to take her tur
ting me ask irrelevant question
she tries to explain what's bel
In politics"
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-04
THE SEARCH FOR GOD

Thee is DuI one God, the Father,
by whom are all things. -. Cor.
viii. 6.
\ Jewish philosopher once walk
inE through the streets of cultured
Athcl1 read upon n public altar this
strange inscription. To the I'm
known God.
The centuries haNo passed. Urged
onward by the native impulse of his
being man has penetrated every
realm of natural phenomena and
the,e discovered Truths before which
he is bowed in reverence and awe.
Facts Ions shrouded in mystery and
superstition have been disclosed and
made subservient to his will. The
elements have been robbed of their
to him her latent forces, stars once
far removed from mortal ken are
INV y. uuSlll ilNll anu tiliuls ECu W
his wisdom. infinite seems opening
to his persistent search-and yet
derlul discoveries and accomplish
ments in the natural world many
shrines of science and philosophy
still bear that same inscription, ITO
the Unknown God"
This is prominently a scientific
age The mind looks out upon a
world of harmonious being and cold
~ asks the question, Whence?
The soul ponders the ultimate fact
OF matter and of man and, unable to
penetrate the mystery which sur
rounds the future, cries with ire
sponsible LONGING, "Whither?"
There are great questions Of the
age. Not only whence came WEI"
but also, whittier are we drift
ing?"
Looking more carefully into the
domain of nature we observe law
order and intelligence 1t is found
not only in the visible universe, but
downward as far as the microscope
can penetrate and upward to the far
thest reach of the telescopes pierre
ing vision. Whence all this wond-
rous beauty of design? 1t is the pow.
er which fashions in beauty the
micropic atom and holds in CHECK
the opposing forces of unnumberet
worlds the result of merely fortuit
Gus circumstances. The logica
mind cannot accept such a thought
but, following science still, it rest
now upon that old geometric Law
which was taught us in our schoo
days, namely, that which is true il
every step up to infinity is true a
infinity also
If this intelligence, therefore
runs all through nature and is tn
sum and substance OF nature and o
natures law, it must have eXiste
before nature, whose laws it made
Not only this, however, but if it
intelligence it must adhere in a pei
sonal.ty, for we cannot think of in
tellsence except as coupled with
person. Hence, proving the cXist
ence of an infinite intelligence b
the presence of a universal mind
nature and proving this intellisenC
10 be personal and eternal, fait
leaves human reasoning at its ia
thesi hound and. mounting now
lofticr flight, finds the absolute III
Conditional cause Of all things
the Christians God. Here reasC
finds her normal completion in fat
and faith worships revealed and
reasonable God. Here the Christi;
rests eontentedly and. throwing {
his burden at the foot of the cross
token that his search is done, cri
triumphantly, Il know in whom
have believed, and am persuad
that he is able to keep that viii
l nave committed unto Him again
that cay"
PEV. WILLIAM CARTER, ID. L
Trccp Avenue Presbyterian ChUrC
Brooklyn, n. Y.
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-04
Submarines.

II is almost impossible to fix the
precise date of the origin of the idea
of the submarine boat 1t is hundreds
of years old. to say the least. The
practical submarine Is. of course. quite
modern, dating back Ut more than fif-
teen or twenty years
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-04
Unfortunate In His Frlends.

There are, said the gloomy man.
who had just parted with a V to a re-
treating friend, only two kinds Of
men: There are those who some
times get into trouble. and those whc
sometimes get out | don't seem t.
know any of the latter"
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-04
Knew the MEANING o, II.

PA, what does it mean when a pub
lie man is said to he at the zenith of
his popularity" at means, MY son."
replied the csSa1'rd candidate. rueful-
~. that tc ~ to hit the
tObo5g Age-Ilerald.
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-04
Fish-Rescue HOSPITAL.

Iowa has a fish-rescue hospital to
which fish are transferred from the
small lakes which dry up in the sum.
ner. The building measures Is by So
feet and is filled with storage tanks.
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-04
Moyements of the Heart.

The heart of an average man makes
about one three-thousandth Of a volt
of electricity at every beat, and an
instrument sensitive enough to meas
ure ii has been invented.
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-04
Ancient "Sauntererr

A ''saunterer" in the old day was
one who had made pilgrimage to the
5ainte Terre, the Holy Land The
connection between the word and
place is clear.
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-04
Apparent Contradiction

She twists her husband around her
little finger" Why, | thought you
said she had him under her thumb
Baltimore American.
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-04
Those Insistent Admirers

CoG that day lost wkose
scending sun finds no new
whose friends say ne nausi
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-04
Sea at Its Deepest Point.

The greatest known depth Of the
sea is eight and three-quarters miles.
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-04

Now Y
n Sport
S doors
ent of
ighfy &
lblic.
ross and
will o
,upd nu
'esent
,hiiIly Z
i boy o
her bot
sac!. 6 |
.e blond
eight.
Ted ~
busy
ontl. ID
yht wit
iddlewe
r ten
emphis
20 rouI
One M
uirrel
! W'old
lit the
think
ley ha |
ne as
* or p
they
hitting
d its
M |
The q
Q tale
irner
The De Soto County news. [volume] (Arcadia, Fla.) 1898-1924, 1916-08-17
WHERE'S OUR'N?"

We understand that Editor
Jordan is contemplating the cree.
ton of a fishing lodge at some
quiet place along the PLACID and
tish-ridden waters of Charlotte
Harbor for the weekend enter.
tainment Of his friends. We inst
want TO remind Brother Jordan
that we have been friends for a
long time, since-er-er-well.
for so long a time that we must
not he forgotten, and We antici.
pate our invitation with much
pleasure Arcadia News.
Yes, and we would remind him
that we are his very Oldest friend.
Why, Adrian and the Advocate
editor have been the closest
friends since way back yonder
when the little red.headed rascal
was in rompers. -Wauchula Ad.
vocate.
Brother Jordan says we are
welcome.
The De Soto County news. [volume] (Arcadia, Fla.) 1898-1924, 1916-08-17

The Jefferson City Post tries
to be sarcastic when it saws
"When Wilson became president
sugar was selling for five cents a
pound. Since the democrats have
reduced the tariff we can buy il
for almost ten cents pound.
Let's see how that kind of reas
Oning will work out for the farm.
er. Cattle four We ars ago were
worth 81 to 81 .25. They are now
worth 7.75 to IS. %. Hogs were
then worth 81 to s.. Now they
are worth IS 80 to 50. 10. Con.
cretely put, the additional price
received for one average sized
steer, or two average sized hogs,
will buy more sugar than the av.
erage family will consume. The
average person, with average
sense and average honesty of pur.
pose can see the practical appli.
cation Of the above without fur.
Their elucidation.
The De Soto County news. [volume] (Arcadia, Fla.) 1898-1924, 1916-08-17
OLD VIRGINIA IN A COMIC
ROLE.

The great state Of Virginia
mother OF presidents, seems to he
trying to prove the truth Of the
assertion, There is no fool like
an old fool and is succeeding
admirably.
For some time the blue law en-
fOrcement craze has been on in the
Old Dominion. and the lid" il
on-and then some-on Sabbath
days. Not since the days Of
John Smith and POcahontas have
things been so tight, and maybe
they were not as bad then as row.
just to show how far sensible
people will 90 when Il craze Of
this kind strikes them, we recite
the following incidents:
Because he sold a small guam
tity of gasoline to a physician on
Sunday, a garage owner was fined
81. His attorney argued that the
physician needed the gasoline in
order to visit his patients, that
only one auto owner in 90 could
afford to own a private garage
and a few other things. But there
was no chance to have the fine re-
mitted. The law is the law, and
it must he obeyed.
Then, according to the Rich.
mOnd Times-Dispatch, Ernest
Crosby. Organist of All Saints
Episcopal church, vas arrested
on the charge of playing an organ
on Sunday for money. Whether
or not the case has been settled
we do not know, but in view of
the fact that the trial judge has,
held that it is not unlawful to
keep fires burning under brick
kiln on Sunday, or to 'perate a.
gas plant, we don't see WHY the
garage owner or the OrganistI
should be subject to arrest or fine.
When the F. F. VS. submit
to such tommyrOt it seems to us
that lunacy commission should
he named TO investigate the COM,
monwealth as a whole. Tampa
Times.
'Smatter with a commission for
Arcadia also?
The De Soto County news. [volume] (Arcadia, Fla.) 1898-1924, 1916-08-17
NEEDLESSLY ALARMED.

In Il discussion of the proposed
constitutional amendments, the
BradentOwn Herald becomes very
much exercised over the fact that
one of the amendments proposes
Il property qualification. The Her.
aid says in part:
This year three constitutional
amendments are to be voted upon.
Two of them are good, but the
other is an attempt to disfran.
chlse the majority Of the voters
OF the state and place the balance
OF power in the hands of the
property owners. or i'm other
words, the capitalists.
THE amendment referred to
contains Il provision that no man
who does not own at le asst $500
worth Of property shall be grant.
ed the right of franchise. "
You interpret the amendment
very WE'LL Bro. Herald, as far as
you seem TO have read il. but Won
should have read the whole thing.
Following the property qualified.
'loh' the proposed amendment
goes on to say:
"PrOvidcd, however, that no
person or lineal descendant Of
any such person who was on Jan.
uarv LIST, 1867. or prior thereto,
entitled to vote under the consti.
buttons and laws of any of the
states or territories. or entitled
to vote under any form of gov.
eminent, or any naturalized citi..
zen or his descendants. shall he
denied the right to register and
vote because he shall not be able
10 read, write and interpret anv
section of the constitution of tba
State of Florida, as above provid.
ed' or because he shall not own
property Of the value above speci.
fed" etc. P0H
Now. if we interpret this
amendment Alright, no one but a
descendant Of Ham need fear any
disIranchiScment thercfrom. In
south Florida the negro vote is
NIL they Just don't want TO
vote. But in west Florida tbe sir. (
uatlon is different, and we must
.'dopt this "grandrather" clause
IN order TO insure to the white
people Of the whole state the man.
'gement of elections. Talk about
.orrupt politics, YOU have never
Witnessed it unless You have seen
We paIance of power in the hands
u ignorant negro voters.
BY all means. support all three
# the proposed amendments. and
work for their adoption, for they
ire all meritorious.
The De Soto County news. [volume] (Arcadia, Fla.) 1898-1924, 1916-08-17

must be by consent of the govern
ed. But we are rapidly approach
ing point where private citizens,
under the cover Of leagues, assocl'
ations and societies, are assum'
ing the right without our consent
to govern us in our private lives
These leagues and associations
are noisy bands of agitatOrs, us
uallv connecting themselves with
some church or social movement
and demanding laws which VIII
make MS live as the members OF
the league think we should live.
II is not sufficient that we are SEN
sible. we'll thinking, fairly educat-
ed. moral and wholesome citizens
These leagues would have us reg
ulatc our private conduct entirely
as they believe we should be reg
ulated. II is wrong to do this
that or the other thing. If we
disagree. we are not to be consld'
cred. The league PUSHES to the
legislature or the city council
and demands a law to force MS
into line. Such conditions always
result in greater evils than they
would remedy. When the pendr'
lum swings against enforced mo-
ralitv. II goes to the limit
Household Guest.
The De Soto County news. [volume] (Arcadia, Fla.) 1898-1924, 1916-08-17
IF NOT PRIMARY, WHAT?

The present Florida primary
muddle is attracting Il great deal
of attention outside of the state
as well as in it. Many are the
comments made by foreign pa
pers, and most of those seem to
agree with MS that the primary
must 60. The Editorial, publish
ed at South Whitley, Indiana,
gives vent to the following ex-
pressive words anent this much
discussed question:
$50 many irregularities occur
red at the Florida primaries
that court proceedings have been
instituted for recount. AS ev-
erywhere else, the Wanted pri-
mary election system in Florida
has proved an utter failure, a
fraud, a humbug and a colossal
political misfit and abomination.
The sooner states get rid of these
legislative abOrtions the better it
will he for political sanity. sta.
bility and justice"
The most peculiar thing about
this is that Notwithstanding the
fact of the primary meeting with
almost unanimous disapprovaI,
north and south, we have yet to
hear the first suggestion as to
what shall be substituted for it.
Can it be possible that with our
boosted intelligence we are not