Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1916-01-18

]: ! J J J. !! { ! | | ] ! ]
the money Gu
'@9We iphs of the pres
XMR ent day going
| ~ ,@ about Bagdad-
4 @1uH. "a ont h e-Subway
| " SI trying 10 relieve
il - Z the wants Of the
| S-SD people Is enough
| to make the
| great Al Ras-
child turn Haroun In his grave. If not
DO then the assertion should do 30, the
real caliph having been q wit and q
scholar and therefore hater Of puns.
How properly to alleviate the trou-
bles Of the poor Is one Of the greatest
troubles Of the rich. But one thing
agreed upon by all professional philan-
thropists Is that you must never hand
over any cash to your subject The
poor are notoriously temperamental,
and when they get money they exhibit
q strong tendency to spend 1t for stuff
ed olives and enlarged crayon portraits
instead of giving it to the installment
man.
|, And still old Haroun had some ad-
vantages as an eleemosynarian. he
took around with him on his rambles
his vizier, Giafar Ia vizier is compo-
site of chauffeur, secretary Of state
and a night and day bank), and old
Uncle Mesrour, his executioner, who
toted q snickersnee. With this en-
tourage a caliphing tour could hardly
fail to be successful Have you no
ticed lately any newspaper articles
headed "What Shall We Do With Our
N1-presidents?" Well, now, suppose
Mr.. Carnegie should engage them and
Jess Willard to go about assisting In
the distribution Of free libraries? Do
you suppose any town would have the
hardihood to refuse one? That caliph-
alous combination would cause two
libraries to grow where there had been
only one set of q. P. Roe's works be-
fore.
But as I said, the money caliphs
are handicapped. They have the idea
that earth has no sorrow that dough
cannot heal, and they rely upon 1t sole
y. Al Raschid administered justice,
rewarded the deserving and punished
whomsoever he disiked on the spot.
He was the originator Of the short
story contest Whenever he succored
any chance pickup In the bazaars he
always made the succoree tell the
sad story of his life. If the narrative
lacked construction, style and esprit
he commanded his vizier to dole him
out a couple of thousand ten dollar
notes Of the First National Bank OF
the Bosporus, or else gave him a soft
Job as Keeper Of the Bird Seed for the
Bulbuls In the Imperial Gardens. If
the story was crackerjack he had
Mesrour, the e1ecutoner, whack of
his head. The report that Haroun Al
Raschld Is yet alive and Is editing the
magazine that your grandmother used
to subscribe for lacks confirmation.
And now follows the "Story Of the
Millionaire" "The Ineficacious Incre.
ment" and "The Babes Drawn From
the Wood"
Young Howard Pilkins, the million
aire, got his money ornithologically.
He was shrewd judge Of storks and
got In on the ground floor at the resi-
dence Of his immediate ancestors, the
Pfkins Brewing company. For bis
mother was a partner In the business.
Finally old man Pnkips died from q
torpid liver. and then Mrs. Pilkins died
from worry on account Of torpid de.
livery wagons-apd there you have
young Howard Pilkins with 81, 00O, 600,
and a good fellow at that. He was
an agreeable, modestly arrogant young
man, who implicitly believed that
money could buy anything that the
world had to offer. And Bagdad-on
the-Subw;ay for long time did every.
thing possible to encourage his belief.
But the rat trap caught him at last.
He heard the spring snap and found
his heart In wire cage regarding q
piece of cheese whose other name was
Alice Won der Ruysling.
The Won der Ruyslings still live In
that little square about which 30 much
has been said and In which 80 little
has been done. Today you hear OF Mr..
Tilden's Underground passage, and you
hear Mr.. Gould's elevated passage, and
that about ends the noise In the world
made by Gramercy square. But once
It was different. The Won der Ruys:
lings live there yet, and they received
the FIRST key ever made to Gramercy
park. 80
You shall have no description Of Alice
Y. d. r. Just call up in your mind
the picture Of your own Maggie rivera
OF Beatrice, straighten her nose, soften
her voice, tone her down and then tone
her up make her beautiful and unat-
,tatAahle, and you have a. faint dry
point etching Of Alice. The family
owned a crumbly, brick house and a
eoachman named Joseph in q coat Of
many colors, and a horse so old that
he claimed to belong to the order Of
the Perissodactyla, and had toes in-'
stead Of boots. In the year 1898 the
family had to buy a new set Of har..
ness for the Perissodactyl. Before
using It they made Joseph smear r.
ever with mixture Of ashes and soot..
Il was the Won der Ruysling family
that bought the territory between the
BoWery and East river and RivhGt0n