Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1916-07-13

Have you ever noticed that a robin
can't sing unless he beats time with
his tail?
Jack McCort is responsible for the
statement that Spanish mackerel
can't talk Spanish.
1t makes a girl mad to fish for a
male animal for couple of weeks
and then learn that he is married
man.
And any girl who has a shape like
clothespin can tell you that shed
rather be slender and graceful than
short and stubby.
When some of our town married
men build air castles they tenement
the castle with a Queen who doesn't
| look a bit like their wives.
Every Audubon wife knows that if
she lets her husband select a car
pet or some wall paper he will be
sure to get something red.
| A Piety Hill young girl has dim
pies in her cheeks and she knows
that you won't notice the fact that
she has liver colored elbows.
| One of our recent benedicts re-
marked to his old chum: isn't it
funny how soon your wife's kisses
can change from hot honey to cold
putty?"
If you haven't told "H. j." any
thing for this weeks column, better
let him know what's doing IL you
want to see this weekly feature con-
tinued.
The trouble with that man who
lets his Matrimonial Troubles send
him to the devil is that he selected
a devil who had good shape and
pretty face.
A whole lot of perfectly good avn
ling material is being used up fol
Sport Skirts this summer. And the
girls are actually carrying things In
the pockets of the skirts.
A man can bluff himself into the
belief that getting picked every
night isn't hurting him. But he can't
bluff the old Reaper into. the belief
that he is too healthy to die.
! Why not put Helen Hunt in charge
of the Lost and Found department
of the Country Club? Then, in case
a member lost anything, you could
tell him to go to Helen Hunt for it.
The old women who used to crawl
under feather beds when a thunder
Istorm came up now have daughters
twho know more about electricity
THAN the man who discovered 1t.
We were told yesterday that Extra
has an old-fashioned girl who acted
as though il was a sin to display her
hosiery, now has daughter who
seems to imagine that she is a stock
ing demonstration.
| The old fashioned Audubon lad
lwhose hair used to stand on end
when he read Robinson Crusoe,"
now merely yawns when a train
plunges over bridge or a man falls
out of an aeroplane at movie show.
| No, daughter can't stand in front
of the kitchen sink and help her
mother wash the dishes because II
might make her flat-footed. But she
lean go out to the gown course and
walk sixteen miles and think nothing
of it.
| There was a time in this good
old town of Audubon" said man
who came here before the railroad,
when they forgot to fasten their
plackets in the back. Nowadays they
forget to fasten their waists in the
front"
One of our popular young lady
pianists says a common, ordinary
piano will never be as popular as the
piano player, because when a girl is
playing an ordinary piano she can't
hold a caramel in one hand and a
powder rag in the other.
Wealth isn't everything in this
world. A Princess with dime in her
purse and a diamond ring from the
Ten Cent Store on her finger imag-
ines that the poor females who are
riding around in their limousines are
envying her her good fortune.
|
| There are a lot of old grouches in
Audubon, the same as in any other
town in the world, who wouldn't put
up dime toward a playground for
children, but who will put up $40
toward movement to establish
course in Sex knowledge in the Kin
ldergartens.
That Audubon mother who has
three growing boys running around
the house often wonders why people
purchase antique furniture and pay
a big price for it, when they could
get it new much cheaper and make
1t look like antique stuff In few
months.
| If a dollar looks twice as big to
you when it is going as ii does when
1t is coming, you need not worry
about having your eyes examined.
Just read the weekly edition of the
old reliable Republican and you can
get all the news that is going for 81
and get it dished up in one fresh
mess.
| Audubon sent one of her fat men
to the democratic state convention
in Des Moines yesterday and one of
the other delegates told us that the
fat man sprawled on the end seat in
the open street car going to the con-
vention hall. Three people stumbled
and pushed past him. The fourth
passenger was a quiet-looking little
man who had hard time forcing his
way through to a seat. The little
imam sat down beside the Audubon