davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Hopkinsville Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1889-1918, 1916-10-28
What Makes People LAUGH.

This comedian told of the time
when he sought to obtain a Job" will
certain manager, who said to him
MAKE me laugh if you are a come
dian." That was rather a hard one
but the comedian, equal to the Occa-
sion, replied: Il am too hungry to
make you burst right out into laughter,
but / can make you smile if you can
lend me eighty dollars, and then don't
take my address,"
"The manager smiled first" continu-
ed the comedian, but not really at me.
Ii was the mental shock of being
asked for eighty dollars, and then
realizing that he didn't have to give
1t to me. A happy mental shock usu-
ally results in laughter, as nearly all
mirth is caused by little brain sur
prises. There is a reason for the
slapstick stuff. Just enter a street car
with IA certain pose, and see what hap
pens. Why, a little innocent bobbing
feather of woman's hat, which tick
les the nose of the long-suffering man
next to her, is provocative of audible
mirth. Affairs at Washington" Joe
Mitchell Chapple, in National Maya
zine.
Hopkinsville Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1889-1918, 1916-10-28
Antiquity Of Low Visibility"

"In the fighting with the armada)
on the 23d of July (15SS) the Span
lards' shots flew, for the most part,
over the heads of the English, with
out doing execution. The reason OF
this was that the English ships, beiEs
far less than the enemy's, made the
attack with more quickness and agik
ity; and when they had given broad
side they presently sheered off to a
convenient distance and leveled their
shot so directly at the bigger and more
unwieldly ships of the Spaniards as
seldom to miss their aim. Their ships
far exceeded ours in number and bulk
and were much stronger and higher
built, and we presented not so great q
target for their fire."-Camden's Hft
tory of Queen Elizabeth.
Hopkinsville Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1889-1918, 1916-10-28
Where Bill Nye Exeelled.

1t is in his travesty writings on the
incidents of history that Bill Nye ex-
celled. Who does not remember his
stirring address TO the Romans? One
paragraph, which is the widest de,
scription Of wrecked coUntenance
ever written. Hear him declare:
IF there be three in all your COM
pany dare face me on the bloody
sands, let them come, and will con-
struct upon their physiognomy such
cupolas and cornices and dormer win
dows and Corinthian capitals and en-
tablatures that their own master
would pass them by in the broad light
OF high noon unrecognized."1 "Great
American Humorists," Bennett Chap
pie, in National Magazine.
Hopkinsville Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1889-1918, 1916-10-28
NlGHTlNGALES ON FIRING LINE
viii Irwin Hears the Sweet Song OF
the Bird Blending With Sound
Of Guns.

We were quartered on an artillery
officer, on the IsOnzo front. Outside, 1t
was a spring night of the poets. The
moon had come up like a great drop Of
honey. No gun was firing, for once.
"They sometimes shell position up
yonder," said the artillery officer as we
walked along. 81 only hope l shan't
be wakened by whiT-boom ~
We were silent for while after
that; and suddenly, in thicket on the
right, a bird song burst Out-a song
so lusty, so wonderfully sweet, that ]
stopped in my tracks.
Nightingale" said our lieutenant.
Much as | had read concerning the
singer of the dewy ineads, had never
heurd him before--he, the bird of
poets and lovers. He sang like our
own meadow larks of California, but
higher, sweeter and infinitely stronger.
We had walked on and on, hundreds Of
yards, before l stopped again. could
still hear him plainly; and another one,
far down the glen, was answering.
] woke twice that night and listened
for the sound of guns. There they
were, only very far away. But the
was singing still, near and
loud-Win IrwiIL in Saturday Eve
ming Post.
Hopkinsville Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1889-1918, 1916-10-28
BUSH.

There is not lawyer in the third
judicial district who is better quail
fed for circuit Judge than Chas. II.
Bush. - The district has nearly always
elected its best legal talent to the
bench and our circuit judges have
been among the ablest in the state
In the days of Judge Grace and even
an the last election of Judge Hanbery,
no opposition was made by the Re
publican party. Chas H. Bush should
have been given no opposition this
time. Republicans OF his legal call
bre are in the district but refused TO
run against him. They acted wisely
The office should have been raised
above politics, as was the case at the
beginning of the term yet finished.
Judge Bush is in every way a candi-
date worthy of this courtesy and con-
sideration. His personal character is
without a blemish. His legal ability
is of a high order. His experience
covers thirty years and more OF sue
cessful practice in Paducah and Hog
kinsville. He found crowded docketS
from reasons that the public under
stands, due to the long illness OF his
lamented predecessor. If he had
been let alone he could have devoted
his energies TO the states business
instead of having TO make political
canvass for an Office that ought not to
be sought as a political prize by such
an inexperienced young man as his
Republican opponent, who has never
before been put forward for even
county office by his party. If by any
accidenthe should be elected, itwould
take him his entire term to learn even
a part of what Judge Bush learned
about the law, it can almost be said,
before his opponent for this high
office was born. There come times
in the history Of all parties when pub
lie considerations must rise above
partisan ambitions. II seems that
Republicans should see that this is
one of the times. A circuit Judge
should be Judge and nota mere politi-
clan with no recognized qualifications
for the Office except good character
and exemplary habits. 1t takes more
TO be a great Judge and this district
should be a stepping 'stone for judges
of the highest courts.
Hopkinsville Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1889-1918, 1916-10-28

Nearly every great diamond has a
history These histories are always ro-
mnntlc. cmbodylng numerous adven-
lures. some Of which are tragic. In the
history Of the Hastings tragedy OF Eng
land is charge OF bribery against
king. George Ill. which gave the gentle
art Of caricature an opportunity such
as had never come 10 II before and
showed the power that caricature
could WELD upon a people. At levee
of the king held on June IA, 17S6, n
very valuable diamond, Of unusual size
and brilliancy, was presented to
George III, ostensibly as gift from
the nizam, or native ruler Of the Dec
can. Indim At the period when this
magnificent peace Offering was given
to the king the impeachment of War
rem Hastings was advancing in parlia-
ment and IL was current rumor that
this and several lesser diamonds were.
the purchase price of Hastings acquit-
tai. Caricatures appeared in the win
dows of the printshOps. One repre-
scented Hastings wheeling the king TO
market in barrow and saying: "What
a man buys he may sell again." In an
other, the king was exhibited kneeling,
with his mouth open and Hastings
throwing diamonds into 1t. An Italian
juggler then in London pretending to
eat paving stones placarded the walls
with bills describing himself as THE
Greatest Stone Eater" Improving up
on this the caricaturists represented
the king in the character of the Great.
est Stone Eater.
Hopkinsville Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1889-1918, 1916-10-28
Loses Faith In Foreeaster.

A prominent WOMAN living at Evans
Vile has lost faith in the United
States weather bureau, remarks the
Indianapolis News. Recently this
woman bought a new hat for which
she paid a fancy price. The day af-
ter the hat was delivered she wished
to go to the ball game, and in order to
be on the safe side she rang up the
local weather bureau to see whether
1t was going to rain that afternoon.
She told the observer that she had a
new hat, but If he thought IL was GO
ing TO rain she would wear her old one
to the ball game. The weather man
told her he was sure 1t was not going
to rain, and that she would be per-
fectly safe In wearing her new hat,
She took his advice. and 1t rained IN
and her new hat was ruined.
She has been using a good many adj
jectfyes since then In expressing her
opinion OF the weather man.
Hopkinsville Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1889-1918, 1916-10-28
ETRoG SACRED JEWISH FRUIT
Great Care Has to BeNUsed in Keeping
This citroh From Being
Hlernished.

The etrog or sacred Jewish citron is
one of the costliest and most interest
ing, and yet one of the least known
fruits to be found in the markets of
the world. 1t has been used by the
Jews in connection with the feast of
tabernacles since the time of the Baby
lOnian captivity and is still treasured
by the orthodox Hebrews in many
countries, says the Country Gentle
man.
In appearance tile fruit greatly re-
sembles the lemon, and it possesses u
strong and agreeable perfume. The
tree itself is a variety of citron and
belongs TO the citrus family, of which
the orange and grapefruit are mem
bers.
Nearly all of the etrogs. or cedrats
as they are sometimes called, are
grown in Palestine and on islands near
the cos st Of Greece. In these localities
the groves are planted in sheltered val
leys where the trees will be safe from
frost and drying winds.
Great care is used to protect the
fruit from the time of blooming until
ii is sold. The young fruit is tenderly
wrapped in soft lint, lest it be married
by scratch or blemfsh. and when ma
ture it is carefully packed in n special
ly constructed box with individual
lined compartments. For religious pur-
poses it is essential that the fruit be
free from blemishes. Even the deli
cate stamens must be preserved intact.
Hopkinsville Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1889-1918, 1916-10-28

Labanon Jet. Ky-Mrs Minnie
Kumn. of III 8 place. says: II believe
| would have been dead by now, had
II not been for Cardui. | haven't
bad one of those bad spells since
commenced to u"- this medicine. !"
Csrdui is a specific medic ne for tn
Ills from which womens fer. Made
from harmle s. vegetable lngredi
nets Ca dui is safe. reliable rem
edy. and has been successful y used
hy W, ak and ailing women Pr more
than fifty years. Thousands or no
men have been helped back TO health
ana happiness by ITS use. Why not
profit by their exr erience? A trial
will convince you that Cardui is
just what you need Advertise
ment.
Hopkinsville Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1889-1918, 1916-10-28
Tommy's Mascots.

In his personal story of life In the
British trenches in France, in the
Worlds Work, William ]. Robinson
tells the following story of his "side
partner"
MY mate begins TO grumble about
the weight of his pack, but he has
nothing 10 say against the ten-pound
dog he has picked up and is carrying
under one arm. First it was a canary
he picked up in a ruined house In
Ypres. He carried that cage every
where ne went for six weeks, until he
found a chap who was going on leave,
and he got him TO deliver the bird to
his 'missus.' Then il was a goat.
Where he got it, heaven only knows,
but he named II Ieviticus,' and was
ready 10 fight any man who had
word to say against his pet. The fell
lows stood for the goat as long as
they could, but finally Ieviticus'
turned up missing, and Harry, my
mate, was going around with his fists
doubled up and blood in his eye for
some time If | ever find the bleeder
wot plnched my mascot, i'm an me is
goin' to ave 'eart-to-'eart talk wOt'll
put i'm in old womans 'ome for the
rest Of Is bleedin' life However, his
grief soon cooled, and now his affec-
tons are all wrapped up in a dirty
little mOngrel he calls Fritz Fritz
gets the best Of all that is going, and
Harry would sturve himself rather
than TO see the object Of his affec-
tons want for a single thing"
Hopkinsville Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1889-1918, 1916-10-28

In the first booster trip taken by
Hopkinsville business men, the boost
ers covered IS miles with rs people,
visited ten places and the SPEAKERS
addressed 1900 people. In the Sec
ond 100 boosters made 100 miles,
visited ten places and met 1000 peo-
pie. On the third trip go boosters
made So miles, visited eight towns
and the speakers were heard by |, $50
people. The entire distance made
was 2S0 miles and the speakers sent
out addressed considerably more than
1000 people. Everywhere the boost
ers were cordially welcomed and at
many points local orators delivered
formal addresses characterized by the
best of feeling. The trips have un-
doub eddy done great good in more
ways than one.
Hopkinsville Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1889-1918, 1916-10-28
Took No Chances.

Were you seasick crossing the
ocean, Nellie?" asked Mrs. Tinker of
her new maid, who came from the EN-
erald Isle.
"Oi was turrible sick comin' over,
but nivver qualm did OF have goin'
back. num-" replied the girl.
-indeedT queried the mistress.
And how do you account for that,
kellief"
-shure," said ksalis, ''sn' o. niyysv
whit baok, .mnn."
Hopkinsville Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1889-1918, 1916-10-28
THE SPECIES.

"The fruit of political activity is
always in doubt"
"Of course. 1t may be a lemon or
it may be a plum"
Hopkinsville Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1889-1918, 1916-10-28
NATURALLY.

81 do not care for mutton-chop
whiskers on a man."
"No; they tend to give him a
sheepish expression"
Hopkinsville Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1889-1918, 1916-10-28
Time Card
Effective Aug. Is. 1916
TRAINS GOING SOUTH.


No. s99-C.. & N. o. Lin. 1921 am.
No. 51-St. L. Express 500 p. m.
No. 95-Dixie Flyer 9:35 a. m.
No. 55--Hopkinsvi e Ac 200 a. m.
No. 53-St. l.. Fast Mail $3.50 a. m.
TRAINS GOING NORTH.
No. &C. & St. l.. Linn. 5:29 a. mo-
No. Syst. Louis Express 9:55 m.
No. 94-Dixie Flyer 7:o2 p. m.
No. 56-Hopkinsville Ac. 1855 o m
No. 54-St. L. Fast Mail 1924 .. m.
No. 81 connects ut Guthrie for
Memphis andipo nts as far south as
Erin. and for Louisville, Cincinnati
and the. East.
Nos. SO and SIS make direct con-
nection at Guthrie for Il uisville,
Cincinnati d al! po'nis north ap5d
east hereof. ~
No. SO csrries through sleepers to
Atlanta. Macon, Jacksonville. st.
Augustine. and Tampa, Fla. Also
Pullman sleepers TO New Orleans.
Connect at Guthrie for points East
and West. No. SO viii not carry To-
cal passengers for points north OF
Nashville. Tenn
W. N. CHANDLER. Ticket Agent
Hopkinsville Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1889-1918, 1916-10-28
KNEW ABOUT WHAT HE SAID.

"Met an old friend of yours the
other day. Had long talk abo1t
you"
"Well, he's darn liar Record.
Hopkinsville Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1889-1918, 1916-10-28

WATCH THE DATE-After your
name, renew promptly, and not miss
number. The Postal regulations
require subscriptions to be paid in
advance.
Hopkinsville Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1889-1918, 1916-10-28
Preferred Locals

Smithson Water delivered Tues.
days and Saturdays. Phone 633.1.
advertisement
Hopkinsville Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1889-1918, 1916-10-28
OF COURSE.

What kind of a time did you have
talking over your neighbOrs yester-
layY'
sRipping.s--Iif
Hopkinsville Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1889-1918, 1916-10-28
SATURDAY, OCT. %
DEMOCRATIC TICKET

For President.
WOODROW WILSON,
of New Jersey.
For Vice President.
THOS. r. MARSHALL,
OF Indiana.
For Congress
D. H. KINCHELOE,
of Hopkins County.
For Circuit Judge
CHAS. H. BUSH,
of Christian County.
Hopkinsville Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1889-1918, 1916-10-28
For Sale

Four H. P. Gasoline tank. cooled
International engine, in good condi.
ton, at very ow price. May be
seen at PLANTERS. HDW. 90.
Incorporated.
Adver tisement.
The Appeal. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn. ;) 1889-19??, 1916-01-15
DON'T ASK FOR APPLE
PIE IF YOU'RE INDIAN
Chippewa Word Takes as Let.
tiers and 18 Sy||ab|es.

Carlisle, Pa.-When one realizes that
II Chippewa Indian boy has to ask
his mother for a piece of pah-tah-me-
Observation-Disclosures ne we ko- be-
baw-kwa-she-gan when he wants apple
pie it may be understood that the seem
ingly cumbersome names carried by
many Of the Indian students at the
Carlisle school are really not so bur-
densome to the redskin as would first
appear. .a ~
Among names on the Carlisle roster
of students are such as Katie Owns
many-horses, Nancy Redistribution,
Frank Smells-the-log. Edward Dis
mount-twice, DELPHI Essen-to- hate,
Flora Well-known and Henry Knocks
off-two.
The longest name on Carlisle's list
Of students is Owen Woothtakewabit
ty and the shortest 10 Dog.
That odd names have not entirely
passed away is evidenced, for instance,
by the following names taken off the
students roll, being surnames. having
reference to parts of the human body:
No-shin-bone, Spread-handa, Short
neck, Eye-lash, Silver-heels, Roman
nose Red-neckA Mumble-head, Yellow
kidney, Yellow-face, Wounded-eye,
White-face, Whitehead, Powder-face
and Two-hearts.
There Is scattering of popular
names at Carlisle, including such
manassas Abe Lincoln and David Cop.
perfeld.
The Appeal. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn. ;) 1889-19??, 1916-01-15
IN FAVOR OF CONSUMPTION.
America Should Adopt System, Says
Harriet Stanton Batch.

America Should Adopt System, Says
Harriet Stanton Blatch.
Washington.-Mrs. Harriet Stanton
Blatch, president of the Woman's Po-
ntical union, favors CONSUMPTION. She
says:
Il am Of the opinion that America
should adopt the only democratic ma
!, tional defense possible -conscription.
Il would have CONSUMPTION on a plan
somewhat similar to that enforced in
Switzerland at the present time-an
enlistment Of two months at first, to
continue for shorter periods each year
"a system that would harmonic all
sections of our country. In my opin-
lon we want to be made much more
homogeneous people. and therefore
those that enlist from the east should
be sent to the west and those from the
south sent to the north. and perfect
understanding would be brought about
between various sections. -
This CONSUMPTION imposed upon men
should also be obligatory for women,
who as citizens, but not as soldiers,
should know how to efficiently do their
share in coming to the aid Of their
country in time Of calamity. -...&
"Girls should be forced to train in
various departments Of the civil serv.
Ice, In the postofices, in all the mu-
n1c1pal departments, and to women l
would apply the same ideas as to the
men-that is to say, send them to va
r1ous parts Of the country, so that they
may get wider knowledge of their
home land"
The Appeal. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn. ;) 1889-19??, 1916-01-15
GOLDEN WEDDING PAIR
RETURN TO OLD HOME
Names Carved When Sweet
hearts Still Remain.

Peabody, Kan.-For their golden
wedding Mr.. and Mrs. A, s. Lowther of
this city went back to their old home in
the West Virginia hills, which they had
not visited since they were married,
fifty years ago. . ILL.,
They Joined the trek to the Kansas
prairies before. the Santa Fe railroad
ran further west than Emporia, and the
trip to Marion county was made in a
prairie schooner. Here the Lowthers
took up homestead and lived, rearing
eleven children, eight boys and three
girls. and in all that time they never
went back to their old home in Richie
county, not even to visit. d.,
But for. the fiftieth anniversary of
their marriage Mr.. and Mrs. Lowther
decided to return to their old home
They were sweethearts when the civil
war broke out. For four years the
West Virginfan wore the blue uniform
Of the federals. When peace was de-
clared he went back home, back to his
sweetheart, who had waited for him.
The trip to the altar followed. And
later they came west. s..
Writing from West Virginia to her
son Mort Of Peabody the other day.
Mrs. Lowther said everything had
changed back there. Even the hills had
got higher than fifty years ago. But
the old log cabin in which she was
reared was still there, and so were the
old we'll, the old oaken, bucket and the
initials of herself and Mr.. Lowther
which had been carved fifty years ago.
The Appeal. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn. ;) 1889-19??, 1916-01-15
CERARD'S WIFE WINS
PRAISE IN GERMANY
Appreciation Shown For Her
Efforts In Feeding Aliens.

Berlin.-Mrs. Gerard, wife Of the
American ambassador here. is appeal
ing to her friends at home for funds
to carry on the American relief kitch-
en- of Berlin, which has daily fed some
200 women and children, the families
OF men who are aliens in Germany and
therefore placed :, in concentration
camps, following the action which
Great Britain and France took in the
1nternment Of aliens in those countries.
The American Association of Com
merce and Trade in Berlin gave the
money to run the kitchen for six
months when it's doors were opened
last year in the quaint little building
in the Schlesische strasse, where Mrs.
Gerard and her committee of Ameri-
can ladies found an unoccupied house
in the factory district of the east side.
Mrs. Gerard herself gave the coal sup
ply for the winter, so that the place
was kept open all afternoon, many OF
the women and children having no
other place where they could keep
"N~AAA AAS AAAOAASJ was 0PCAS ~ CIV
nomically that ST furnished seven
wholesome meals. .. ......
This winter the enterprise is without
funds, and the doors of the American
relief kitchen have not been opened to
the crowds Of hungry, poorly clad wo-
men with babies in their arms and
clinging to their skirts who mournful-
~ stand around and gaze through the
windows. 49,.
Long purses and generous ones
among the American colony have been
taxed to the utmost by the charity
needs arising from the war, and Mrs.
Gerard has won appreciation not only
in Berlin, but throughout Germany for
her large contributions of money and
the devotion Of almost all OF her time
to the alienation Of distress. On Nov.
II the German government sent her
Red Cross decorations of the first and
second class to commemorate her serv.
ices in connection with the effort to
help German prisoners of war in Rus
Sia r. ~. f.
The Appeal. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn. ;) 1889-19??, 1916-01-15
FARMERS idea SAVES
HIM Time AND MONEY
Uses Pipe to Send Wheat From
Plateau to Market,

Wenatchee, Wash.-Instead of haul
ing his wheat eighteen miles over. a
bad road, as he Gid formerly, James
Keane Of Rock Island is now letting
the grain slide into market through a
galvanized iron pipe. The former
method cost from Is to 20 cents a
bushel to market. By this latter way
the grain can be handled for 2 cents
a bushel.
The new system has been in opera
ton for couple Of years and bids fair
to continue, at least until the natural
law Of gravitation is abolished.
Keane owns land which lies on a
large plateau over 1000 feet above the
little town Of Rock Island 1t has al
ways been expensive for the farmer
to drive long distance to get off the
plateau and back into town, and as
the road wound around the side of the
bluffs it was very rocky and danger
GUS. ~
Two years ago the iron pipe idea
came to Keane. He purchased and in
stalled $500 feet of two inch galvaniz-
ed iron piping, and the saving the first
year paid for it. The pipe runs from
Keane's west field down a steep hill to
within 400 feet of the warehouse in
the town. ~
When he wishes to take two or three
loads of wheat to market the grain is
poured into large sheet iron hopper
fitted over the top of the iron pipe line
The grain runs along merrily through
the pipe to the town, where it Is receiv-
ed at the rate of about a sack a min
ute, which is as fast as it can be han
died. ......
To save more time and money Keane
has attached an apparatus known as
the Stacker" from thrashing machine
to the town end Of the pipe line.
which automatically receives, sacks
and weighs the grain. A man does the
sewing. ~ @...-a.s.s.. u
Keane has monopoly on the big
plateau, which embraces about 5000
acres of tillable land.s Last year he
planted most Of it and harvested near
ly 100000 bushels Of wheat.
/ The land lies exposed to the periodi-
cally hard winds that frequent this
part Of the state during the summer,
and there have been years when part
. Of the wheat crop would be piled in
high drifts of dirt. When the season
IS favorable few farmers are more
handily located than Keane. with his
pipe line marketing method.