Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1916-11-09

promptly accured of being a spy
OF the kaiser and one of the right
bowers of the German chancellor.
If the paper puts glaring head
lines over dispatch about the
German lines being swept back
at Verdun or the editor takes Ia
playing cricket instead of pc
nuchle Karl Hofmeister will call
him up on the phone and accuse
him of making shells for the
allies.
Woes Wet and Dry.
If the newspaper prints the ad
,vertisement of a grape grower
that the prohibition amendment
would DESTROY his vineyard Rec.
DR.. Lusty will write the editor
letter telling how it grieNcs him
sorely TO have to denounce him
from the pulpit as a mreins oi
the saloon. If the paper gives an
interview With IA celebrated
scientist showing that if three
fingers of alcohol are shot into
the hind leg of grown man his
stcpchildren will go mad the bar
tender al the Blue Moon will
pause i'm his death-dcaling work
long enough to order his paper
stopped and declare that the ed-
tor is a narrow minded Puritan.
In politics nobody can he
pleased. lGyou sing ii little song
for protective tariff other parti-
sans will want To know why an
American cannot stand by our
noble president II The paper
does happen tn chip in a good
word for or praise some official
act OF our noble president the Old
Guard throws ont open hints of
treachety.
Presently 4 sharp featured per-
son with an impatient step and a
nalpahle Crouch comes in. He is
Hannibal j De Soto. How about
this?" he eXclaims. Here wc
had the greatest meeting ever held
i'm the ninety ninth precinct. Aka
hall was fun. That great states.
man, o. b. Gosh. was the princi-
pal orator, and his speech was a
masterful one, and vet you give us
only twenty lines was chair
man of the meeting. and you don't
even mention my name But
when Ham Lewis or Bnveridge is
here YOU give him a column.
That's a hell NV a way tu lreat-
home industries. You can STOP
my paper and Gosh wants to stop
his
The ladies.-4iiod bless em--also
have their peevish moments.
There are lot of EN- who don't.
want to vote and they register
anger when the suffragists get all
the publicity If the editor has
something about stale taxation
or suggests an excess of COM
missiOnerships he is declared 10
be attacking our fat and sassy
governor. If the Angels are given
glory in the pink sheet the Tiger
fans all sob out that they are not
having square deal. IF the pa
per declines to give hundred
dollars worth of advertising to
the conundrum contest for tho
benefit of INDECENT rabbits a dis
gruntled committee will serve no.
tice that snndry subscriptions
will be messing next month.
In the olden days when man
acquired full sized grudge
against a newspaper he was apt
To go hunting for the editor
armed with horse pistols and
other yenomous cutlery. Now
adays he merely rings him up on
the phone, calls him a a dodo-
domed derelict and asks that the
paper be stopped.
II can't be done. That partic-
,ular subscription may be can
celed, but the paper never stops.
IT the editor is good he is a
sissy: if he is had he is a devil.
If he recognizes he licensed sa-
loon he is a soak: if he votes for
npo ihi4inp has 81 hiooi NJ ha
shouts for Teddy he wants war;
if he doesn't he's Il mollycoddlr.
If he prints all the news he's a
ghoul: if he doesn't he "a COW
ard II he tells The truth he $ I,
menace. if he doesn't he's skunk.
III he goes to church he's a hypo-
critic: if he doesn't he's an atheist.
If he's liberal he's a spendthrift;
if he's conservative he's a tight
,wad III he's affable he's a time
server: if he's serious he is "a
crouch.
Three hundred students at
Highland Park college. Des
Moines. went on food strike. al
ieging that when meat which they
refused to eat was had on Tues
day was served "Wednesday i'll
hash
Grinnel freshmen, clad in
NIGHT hiptS and naiamas lnoL-a