Harrisburg telegraph. [volume] (Harrisburg, Pa.) 1879-1948, 1916-12-20
ALL HEART WOMEN
MOSTLY BORES
New Matrimonial Fable by
Dorothy Dix May Carry
Lesson For You!

Once upon time a Glad-Eyed
| Youth went to a Hump -Shouldered
Old Man who looked as if he had been
Flattened out by a Steam Roller, and
! thus addressed him:
Congratulate me-" cried the Young
Man, for ! am going to be Married
to the Dearest Girl in the World, and
she is Perfectly Devoted to me-"
Alas, my son." cried the old Man
I with Tears in his Eyes, Il can only
Pity you. Many Misfortunes may
Happen to n Man, but the Worst
thing that can Befall him is to Marry
a Woman who is Too Much in love
with him. Listen to the sad story of
my Life, and let it be Warning to
you, so that you may Save yourself
from Fate like mine while there is
yet Time.
Il was once young and joyous like
you, and l swelled out my Chest so
that my Shirt Buttons would not
mold, because L had found a Woman
who Loved me Well Enough to Die
for me, little reckoning in my Folly
that that same Love would make me
Wish that l were Dead.
I'VE were Married, and from that
Day to this l have not been able to
call my Soul my won, because my
Wife thinks that her Love gives her
Mortgage on it.
II do not Dare to stay downtown
a Few Minutes late talking with a
Friend. because If l do not Punch the
Domestic Time Clock on the Minute
find my Wife walking the floor and
tearing her Hair because She is Mad
with Anxiety for Fear Something
Awful has happened to her Precious
Hubby.
II cannot Eat any of the Paprika
Foods that l like and to which /
was Accustomed in my Happy I'm
I oh
Wife Adores me so she will not let
me run the Risk of Injuring my
Digestion.
Il am compelled to Choose my
Female Employees from the Lemon
Box, although l would greatly En-
joy being Surrounded by the Pick
of the Peach Basket, but my Wife's
Love makes her so Jealous that she
would have Fits all over the Place
If she Discovered a Woman in the
Office under Forty and without
Cross Eyes.
Il am no Lothario, but 1 like the
Society of Pretty and Charming
interested in my Dinner Partners Re-
marks have to stand for a Scene
when 1 get Home.
1T is my Wife's Boast that we
have Never been Parted for a Single
Day since we were Married. All, my
Boy, do you get the Pathos of that
Remark? Think of never having had
a Single Day off in Ten Years. and
of the Gloomy Prospect of Whole
Life Sentence like that with no AL
lowance off for good Behavior!
When | go on a Business Trip ]
have to Drag Wife along, because She
Weeps and Walls that she cannot
Bear to be Parted from me for even
a Few Days. When l take a Vaca-
ton she Tags along, and Ruins it all.
because have to do what she wants
TO do instead of the things / should
like to do.
II cannot make her Understand
that without wishing to knock her
Personally, n Man gets Fed up on
Feminine Chatter and Longs for
Mans Talk. Why, I know right now
more about what they are going to
Wear in Paris this Winter than L
do about the Big League Prospects.
Il used to Wonder, before 1 was
Married, why Men took so little
Trouble to Preserve their Wives Az
fections. 1 now Perceive that it was
the Instinct for Self Preservation, for
there is no Jail in which you can be
held a Closer Prisoner than in a
Woman's Heart nor is there any other
such Grinding Tyrant as the Wife who
loves too much.
ut is a Misfortune that a Man gets
over beng Lover at the Altar while
a Woman can go on being a Bride
for Forty Years. Therefore unless
you wish to be Begged up in Soft Talk
that ii nauseates you to have to hand
out, do not Marry a Woman who Is
All Heart, and who gets a Hurt look
every time you Slow Down to Second
Speed in your Love Making.
Take 1t from me that a Woman
can kill you with Love, and II is a
Sticky, Messy, Unpleasant WAY to
Die"
This fable teaches that the Wo-
men who are All Heart arc Mostly
I1orea