davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1916-03-31
WHAT CATARRH IS

1t has been said that every third
person has catarrh in some form.
Science has shown that nasal catarrh
often indicates general weakness
of the body; and local treatments in
the form of snuffs and vapors do little.
if any good.
To correct catarrh you should treat its
cause by enriching your blood with the
oil-food In SCOTS Emulsion which is q
medicinal food and building-tonic, free
eom alcohol Or any harmfuldrugs. Tryit.
i Aupu = loNne. RloomAeid. NJ.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1916-03-31
There's This Difference.

When woman buys hat and meets
another woman:
"How do you like this hat, dearY'
Lovely. simply lovely. You have
such good taste" Uater "Of all the
hats ever saw that's the worst.'D
When a man buys hat and meets
another man:
"Howdu like the hat, Mike? Class,
chr
Say, is that a hat? WhoN stung
you Y'-Detroit News.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1916-03-31
Well. Well!

Dear Luke-No, Heavy Lemon Is not
flooding the Chautauqua circuit with
peace and prohibition. He Is In the
shoe business at Mansfield, Or.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1916-03-31

All men," said the earnest citizen.
are born equal"
They are that" replied Mr.. Raffer-
u. But they don't say equal after
tAsy'rs bic enough 10 ct togskhsr In
the sehoolyard."-WashonGton otAs.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1916-03-31

Does your daughter play MosartY'
we asked, displaying unusual erudL
ton.
Il believe So" she replied dspeseat
ingly. but | think she prefsrs ana
tion."-PhilsdelphiA Ledger.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1916-03-31
What's the Use of Buying Booze7

"Cwrwgr' is the Welsh for reel
Cincinnati Enquirer.
Seems TO be all right. We tried to
pronounce it and 1t made us.-Houston
Post.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1916-03-31
Mean Brute!

as your wife even tempered?" ask
ed Mr.. NaybOr.
"She is replied Mr.. Gabb. "She
stays mad all the time"
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1916-03-31
Thinus to Worry About.

Rabbits wearing horns have been dis
covered In dry county in Texas.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1916-03-31
Who Pried Them Apart?

Edward Dagonet was arrested for
beating his wife, from whom he was
separated, with a piece of iron.-New
Orleans Times-Picayune.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1916-03-31
She's Entitled to a Rebate.

Miss Regula Fehr has left for Cali
fornia. where she will spend the win
ter.-Milwaukee Wisconsin.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1916-03-31
Paw Knows EVERYTHING.

Paw Knows Everything.
Willie-Paw, what Is a moral awak-
ening?
Paw-A moral awakening is when
you hear the alarm clock In the morn
ing and get up without cussing 1t. my
son.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1916-03-31
He Evidently Did.

Dear Luke-Willie Getter lives at
SULPHUR Springs. O.. and is the father
of nine children.-E. III.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1916-03-31
You Know Him.

His weekly wage no pleasure brings,
His life is filled with sorrow;
He goes in debt today for things
He can't pay for tomorrow.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1916-03-31
Advice.

The thrifty army you should join.
Resist all pleasures cravings;
And then some friend who needs the coin
Will borrow all your savings.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1916-03-31
WuH!

Wuff!
This bread is kind of heavy" re-
marked Mr.. Younghubby as he gin
gerly handled Mrs. YOunghubby's first
homemade loaf.
YES" replied Mrs. Younghubby,
"but it won't give you indigestion, dear.
l put two dyspepsia tablets in the
dough before baked It,"
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1916-03-31
Names Is Names.

May Beabout lives at East Mon
roe, o.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1916-03-31
A Bensfactor.
Take of your hats
To Adam Tipe,
For he invented
The first pipe.
In He That Wealthy

Dear Luke-Can John Amrich, the
Mobile (AlaD shoe man, be the Jawn
Dee Rockefeller of the Names Is
Names club?-R. L. +.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1916-03-31
Our Daily Special

We all like to see the stinger get
stung.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1916-03-31

Though married life gets much abuse.
1t is no joke" said Safer
1.-THE courtship is the orange juice.
The castor oil comes later"
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1916-03-31
Tho Trouble.

"Confound the luckr' growled the
visitor. Here's this front door been
freshly paintedp'
YES" said his friend from safe
distance. 1T is hard luck Any one
to look at you can see you have been
up against t"-Baltimore American.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1916-03-31
! Insulting.

Cecile-What would you give to have
hair like mine? JEANNE don't know.
What d'1 - ptva2
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-04

carried a bunch of the lovely yellow
flowers her mistress had given her.
She pinned them this way and that,
and it was not without a thought as
to how Pat would like them best that
she finally arranged them in her belt,
pinned there by shamrock Pat
himself had given her the year before.
On her way uptown to the ball
Norah stopped to call for her chum,
Katie Malone, who was maidof-all
work to a family in the next block.
An you must share my bouquet
Katie, my darlin," she said to the
girl Her big Irish heart was gener-
osity itself, and she could not be so
selfish as to wear flowers when her
friend had none.
Their tongues wagged busily as
they climbed the stairs to the ele-
waited road in great haste lest they
miss even one strain of the fiddler's
music. Their hearts were beating
quickly in anticipation of the eve
ning's pleasure, for Katie, too, had a
son of Erin who awaited her coming
with anxious eyes 1t was not the
custom in their set TO be called for
by their beaux-it was waste Of
time. and the dancing and the escort
ing home again were the important
things
Bright lights streamcd from each
of the great ballroom windows as the
girls approached the building where
the Irish BAH was an annual social
function They entered the cloak
room TO dispose of their outer gar
ments Just as the orchestra inside be-
gan an introductory number
Flushed and smiling, Norah and her
chum made their appearance in the
wide doorway OF the ballroom to scan
the assembled crowd for familiar
faces. No sooner had they stepped
onto the shining floor than they were
pounced urou by half dozen strange
young men Who demanded by what
right they came TO St. Patrick's bal
wearing the colors of the Orangeman
And without further ceremony, the
beloved bouquets were torn from the
belts of the two girls and trampleC
under foot by the husky young Irish
men.
Norah had been innocent OF thu
breech Of etiquette she was making
in wearing the flowers and her chun
had been as guiltless OF error. Now
as they retired to the dressing room
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-04

have ceased to think of the young
man
Miss Wells expected to find sulky
and obstinate young lady in Miss
Jean, but was agreeably disappointed.
The new pupil settled right into place
and gave no trouble Instead of sulk-
ing she sang There We're fifteen
other girls, and while all of them
constantly kicked about the weak
soups and the oleomargarine on the
thin slices of bread, Miss Jean
thought it was romantic. No other
woman in the world would have sus-
pected her OF duplicity, but Miss Wells
did. Her heart and hand had never
been sought by a determined young
man, but she could figure that if such
had been the case she would not have
given him up so easily. A mother
might be hoodwinked, but an old maid
never.
And Miss Wells vigilance was soon
rewarded Within four weeks she
opened the prison door to a young
man with pencil and notebook in
hand. He was taking the census of
the country That scar? 1t was
there!
Go away, sir" cried Miss Wells,
and the door was banged on his heels
A week later, when the grocers
delivery boy drove up TO the kitchen
through the back gate. Thomas passed
him with grumble. Something
warned Miss Wells. She left a class
to walk through to the kitchen, and,
behold, the grocer's boy was young
man, And the scar? Yes, it was
there; but though he was driven
away he went with his head mp and
a determined look on his face.
Then the various small boys earned
various quarters by hanging around
the grounds. but they failed in their
attempts if they had notes to deliver.
One day one of the girls gashed her
hand. A doctor was sent for to dress
it. With him came a young medical
student. That is, he got as far as
the door again. and then that scar
gave him away
Miss Jean Kelly had been in the
school for three months when Miss
Wells got 2 shock. Ono If to girls
turned tattle-tale She announced
that many night, about midnight,
Miss Jean had sneaked out of bed and
dressed herself and gone up through
the scuttle 10 the roof and remained
/ there for an hour. She said 1t was
/ for fresh air; tattle-tale said that a
determined Young man could reach
the roof by climbing the big oak tree
growing so near the wall
Miss Wells coupre ssed her lips; she
would see to il; she did see to it.
! Old Thomas was set to watch at
night, but he sroozcd the hours away
His old watch dog took his place, and
was found dead of old age the very
hext morning.
All, she had it at last, She would
go upon the roof herself and catch the
criminals red-handed. She was a lit
tie old to be eating around on house
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-04
The Wearing
of the Yellow
By Donald Allen

Copyright, 1910 by Associated Literary Pres.)
Just why Mrs Thompson Carding-
er decided to use yellow as her color
scheme at the last of the series Of
bridge parties she was giving is not
known II may have been that il
was her fayorite shade, il may have
been that it harmonized with her
costume of the afternoon, or it may
have been simply because yellow
spring flowers, jonquils, daisies and
tulips were plentiful in the florists
shops in March.
But the very fact that she had Sc
lected yellow instead of any other hue
in the rainbow made all the difference
in the world TO her faithful cook,
Norah
Norah was a daughter OF the En-
erald Isle and she never lost an OPP
portunity to go TO ST. Patrick S
ball whenever the anniversary OF that
good saints birth rolled around. And
in all the five years that she had been
in the country she had never failed
to dance the opening waltz with big
Pat Deasy from her own County
Cork
Norahs mistress had chosen the
afternoon of ST Patricks day for her
bridge party, and when the last guest
had gone and Mrs. Cardingers du-
ties as hostess were over she stepped
into the kitchen TO give a word of
praise to her cook for the extra effort
she had made to have the pastries and
coffee toothsome and dainty
And, Norah, | want you to wear
a bunch of those lovely jonquils TO
your ball tonight. They will add
much TO your appearance. Also, you
may serve dinner at G:30 instead OF
seven. so as to be in plenty of time, y
she said good naturedly Mrs. Card
niger appreciated the faithfulness of
Norah, and she knew with what pleas
ure the girl had looked forward to the
ball of the evening.
Norah sang over her cook stove, and
when dir ner was owe" she mounted
the stair, TO her J. u Iress in her
finest FIR ok. And in her hand she
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-04
SEEING Things.

Whenever | think of the meanest
trick | ever played" said Detective
Jack Reeves, Il am sorry for the man
played 1t on. He is dead now and
can't forgive myself
In the original oyster Ocean, under
the Academy of Music, years ago, a
stuffed turkey roasted on shelf.
Those lined W at the bar could see
the turkey reflected in the large mir
ror
one day Reeves lifted the stuffed tur-
key off its perch and substituted a
live one The bird seemed to enjoy
it and strutted back and forth on his
new perch.
Reeves then wandered out, found
his friend Jim and said Come over
to the Ocean and have something"
Jim was willing.
With a glass of whisky in his hand
at the Oyster Ocean bar, Jim gazed
into the mirror. Suddenly his face as
sumed an ashen hue.
Il .ook, JaC'.. ,cc,'" claimed,
his hands trembling. See the turkey
see,"
What's the matter?" asked Reeves
THAT turkey has been stuffed for
years"
stuffed, The cussed thing is alive
It's walking around and looking at us
You're dreaming.
Its come at last, Jack I've got
en-: I've got EN-" shoukd the unhap
pv jim, and, dashing his glass to the
floor, be ran from the place.-Cleve
! land Press.
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-04

ON the Roof
Copyright, 1910. by Associated Literary Press
BY Dorothy BiackmOye

Copyright 1910. by Associated Literary Press)
Miss Hyacinth Wells was an old
maid. If she hadn't been an old
maid she wouldn't have been the
owner and principal OF the Wells
school for young ladies. Old maids
have a fondness for opening schools
for young ladies' It's their way OF
getting revenge for never having had
any romance in their own lives.
They become watch dogs and tyrants
and gloat over it.
When Miss Jean Kelly arrived at
Ravendale and the Wells school with
her mother, she was left in the parlor
while the mother and Miss Wells re-
tired to a private room to have a
confidential conversation. Miss Jean
was to be sequestered on account or
her being in love at nineteen She
was as good as engaged to very
determined young man, who was two
years older. He had said to the
mothers face after being turned down
that he would marry Jean If he had
to wait hundred years. 1t had taken
the strongest kind Of parental authori-
ty to bring the girl to the school, and
she was to be kept there as pupil
and a prisoner No letters must be
received or sent without being read.
AS she walked out on the ground,
guards must be stationed to watch. If
allowed outside the grounds two
guards must accompany her.
She had been hurried from home,
so that the determined man might
not get track of her, but in case he
did he would be known by scar on
his chin Miss Wells was to look for
scar.
Trust me-" replied Miss Wells,
when she heard the full particulars.
| There is neither love nor romance
under this roof. My young ladies are
taught that this world would be al
together better off without men
| Thomas and William are old and
crippled, and they are the only two
males around this sacred institution
F, They cannot be bribed or deceived
In three months your daughter will
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-04

the man surveyed him for moment
or two with whitening contempt.
and to blazes wild ye an yer full
crum," he said at last. "Gwan away
home wild We an yer beverages, We lit
tie dough-faced. lantern-jawed idJut.
Talk to me about implements an Ill
shut We in me dinner pail an kape We
there till We Iarn manners, so Will
Gwan!"
Brodwaiser redeemed and moved
away in silent dignity. Smith feit
sorry for him and expressed his sym
pathy. oh, Brodwaiser said, Il hard
" expected anything but abuse. One
gets little thanks for good advice, l
notice.
II was a windy day and before they
had got very far a sudden gust re-
moved Smiths straw hat. He recov-
cred it with some difficulty and was
rather out of breath when he reJoined
Brodwaiser. The latter had waited,
and as Smith came up he said: III
| we're you l would buy one of these
hat guards. They can be obtained
for a mere trifle at any hat store, and
the expenditure is repaid a thousand
times by their saving of temper, to
say nothing of the possibility of the
hat being blown beneath the wheels
of a dray."
I've seen them" Smith said. you
don't wear one yourself. notice"
Its unnecessary" he replied, my
hat never"
The wind took it as he spoke and
sent it careering down the street, final
" landing it in a puddle from whence
he rescued it dripping with mud and
water. Smith could not help saying
that in a high wind it was good idea
to hold a loosely fitting hat by the
hrim with a tenacious clutch, but
Brodwaiser seemed unconscious of the
delicate sarcasm of the remark. so
much so that when they arrived at
Smiths front gate he called Smiths
attention to the fact that it creaked on
its hinges and recommended the ap-
plication of sweet oil as remedy for
| the unpleasant sound.
He was a near neighbor of Smiths
and soon after that first meeting he
called on Smith informally. as Smith
was wedding his flower beds. On that
occasion Smith became indebted to
his visitor for two pieces of valuable
| information-that tobacco burned be
| meath rosebush covered with a cloth
or something of that sort to keep in
the smoke had a discouraging effect
upon the plant parasites known as
green fly, and that a porch Of suffi
/ cient width on the west front of his
cottage would afford grateful shade
against the rays of the sun in the
afternoons.
He was a veritable encyclopedia o.
| knowledge-never at loss for lit
tie suggestion on any subject. Unit
Smith learned that Brodwaiser was 6
bookkeeper for firm of glass import
ers he ima gined be must conduct tht
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-04
HIS GOOD ADVICE
ANONYMOUS.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

There wasn't the least bit of harm
about Brodwaiser. He was as amiable
and well-meaning a little man as ever
wore felt insoles and chamois leath.
er chest protector But people in
general hardly appreciated his good
qualities. The first time that Smith
saw him he was standing at the edge
Of a roadside excavation for gas pipes
watching the deliberate movements of
a laborer who was ostensibly engaged
in throwing out gravel. As Smith ap-
preached he heard Brodwaiser say:
My man. if you would grasp your
shovel with your left hand a little
nearer the blade OF your implement
you would find it better fulcrum for
the leverage of your right and be en-
abled to raise more earth with sub
stantially the same exertion."
The man stopped and looked up.
"Pfwat's that?" he asked.
Rrodwaiser repeated his advice and
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-04

roofs at night. but the honor OF the
Wells school was at stake.
The second night after tattie-'ale
had given things away was beautliul
summers night 1t was a night Tor
cats and lovers TO prowl. An hour
before midnight found Miss Wells
stealing up the scuttle ladder and out
on the roof She was there TO watch
that tree Yes, one OF its llmDs &C
tually overhung the roof, 1t would be
10 feat at all for a determined young
man. Miss Wells was scantily dressed.
Her scant hair was hanging down
around her neck. and she was bare
footed in her slippers.
The watcher had been at her post
nearly an hour when something nap
pened. She thought she heard some
one in the tree, and in shifting her
position she lost her grip and went
rolling down the steep roof until
chimney brought her UP. She was
safe from a further fall, but she must
get back to her place. A cat could
have done it, but, alas, she was not
cat She was only an old maid with
shaky nerves She wouldn't nave
tried that climb for thousand dol
lars. If she called out who would
hear her? If she waited until day.
light-heavens!
And then she looked up to see the
figure OF man above her Some
thing told her that it was the deter
mined young man with the scar on
his chin. In addition, he told her SO
himself He was very cool about IT.
After gazing down at her for three
or four minutes he asked;
How are you going to get up
again?"
Young man, I'll have you arrested
for burglary"
you can't There's no breaking
and entering in climbing tree"
What are you here for?"
ITO get you out of a scrape, if you
are sensible If not you'll be left for
people TO gaze at in the morning.
About coo hands in the shoe factory
can overlook this roof, and you are
not dressed for company"
III scream for help"
And have it in the papers that you
were sneaking around on the roof at
midnight, No, my dear Miss Wells;
your way is the quiet way. Imagine a
reporter sitting here in my place and
interviewing you, Imagine the head
| lines in the papers, Imagine him Ia
/ king a snapshot at you by fashllght.
Are you the young man Miss Kelly
wanted TO marry
She wanted to, and she wants to
yet. I'm here tonight to help her down
the tree. We are going to elope.
have a rope here, and have pro
posal to make.
"Yes?"
Let her seemingly start for home
in the morning with her trunk. III
take care of the rest. If YOU wont
agree. down the tree We go, and you
are left right where you are
Miss Wells gasped out a never.
and added that she would perish first
but when the young man started tC
slide the scuttle and signal to Mis-:
lean. things changed She gave hel
solemn word and was pulled up t
keep it. She started her off on pre-
tense of sickness at home, and as thu
girl was ready to depart she whisper
ed in her ear:
Ii you never, never. never say any
thing about this I'll always say tina
if ever marry any man it will be
determined young man who know
what he wants."
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-04
Helpful Hints" department

Helpful Hints" department n
newspaper.
Smith overheard him in N.
market one morning instruc,.
butcher in the art of meat cu,
THAT amt nothin', though
gcod-natured butcher. with a "a
when Brodwaiser had left. III
me pointers on preservin' eggs
original new badness by dim
in lime an water. I'll bet he
his grandmother to suck
trimmed a sirloin for him III
day an when | threw the SUE
box under the counter he 5,
sh'd think you'd use the If;
of meat in some sort o. wav
wastin' 'em. If you'd put the
'em in your sausage mach,
proper seasonin' there amt NJ
why it wouldn't be good as lo-
meats fresh Ho. no."
But Brodwaiser is no more.
a good citizen. a good neighbt
kind of fussy husband and fat
died last spring of pneumonia
tie before he passed away til
happened to cough to hide
ton at the sight of Mrs. Brot
grief.
Doctor said Brodwaiser.
you want to take care of thu
Don't neglect it. 1t MAJ dew
something serious. Now, v
get home have your wife he
water and put it in a foot-tu
little mustard. Then"
He sank back on his pillo'
was the last piece of advice
gave.-Chicago Daily News.
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-04
MADE 1T IN RECORD TIME
Wager That Was Won by Golf Enthu'
siast in Spite of Odds That
Were Heavy.

Golf enthusiasm has probably
caused more argument and unique
wagers than any other branch of
sport" says G.. J. Nathan in Outing
For instance:
No more amusing illustration of
this enthusiasm can be cited than the
wager that was made several years
ago by a former national champion
with a number of his friends on the
Garden City course. While in the heat
of discussion over the fine points
of the game, the ex-champion de-
clared that he could play the is holes
Of the Garden City course in less than
one hours time and in 95 strokes or
better In view of the fact that the
course covers about 5000 yards and
that it usually takes about two hours
to make this distance of more than
three miles. it is quite superfiuuus to
say that his offer was snapped up on
the spot 1t was decided furthermore,
TO settle the matter at once
Procuring two caddies. the player
ordered one of them to follow him and
the other to keep on ahead after the
ball. The course is comparatively fat
and the gallery mounted bicycles to
heeg pace with the golfer who had
set ont to make a speed record over
the course. At the cry Co, from the
timekeeper, he started Keeping CON
stantly on the run and shouting out
to the caddy the club he intended to
use next, he dashed around the entire
course in exactly 10 minutes, .l.uklns
tho s holes in 90 strokes, according
to the tally, and thereby winning as
odd a wager as has ever been laid by
a golf enthusiast"
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-04
Almost Riaht.

Al Jolson tells "a amusing story Of
mis- first golf egd5y Jolsoa found driv-
Ing of rather difficult ard conmuncd
with mis- caddy as 10 the reason he
missed the ball so frequently. The boy
sagely delivered the following advice:
The first thing you've got to learn. Mr..
Jolson, is TO 'Conse1rlte your eye on
the bali Then you can hit it,