davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-14
Stephens
Statistics
By JOHN PHILIP ORTIZ


There was no question but that Miss
Gladys Farnham got a good husband
when she married Stephen Agnew. He
was with a life insurance company
and stood high for character. For the
first three months after marriage
there were entertainments at home
and the theater and other things
abroad, but then change came. Mr..
Agnew became preoccupied. He went
about whispering to himself, and he
neither wanted company at home nor
to seek advertisement outside. Every
night upon his arrival home it was the
library for him, and all the explana-
ton he had was that he was very busy
with Office matters.
If the young wife had been coax
ing, persistent woman she could have
learned all about it after bit, but she
didn't coax, and after what she felt
was the one rebuff. she had no more
questions to ask. She took it out in
thinking, and at the end of six months
she had come to the conclusion that
her husband was a disappointed man
even-tempered. but unless something
preyed on his mind, why should he go
about with that absent look on his
face, and why should he shut himself
up at home?
There was reason, and the wonder
was that it did not leak out sooner.
The life insurance company had pro-
| a., 4 ,c r;ao To a
higher position and more salary, but
as an offset he must delve into statis-
tics until he could reel right off the
number of old women in Indiana who
would die before the year expired. and
the number of old men in Michigan
who would never see another Christ
mas. He must gather into the folds
of his memory all the diseases that
carried the insured to the grave-the
average of longevity since Moses came
out of the bulrushes-the action of the
human heart after meal of pork and
beans-what the difference was be-
tween a man taking three or six nips
per day. and many other things.
He wasn't the man TO give up after
he had started in simply because sta
tistics danced before him day and
night, but he kept on accommodating
and his wife kept on thinking she was
shamefully neglected, until climax
came. A friend limited at divorce, and
that brought the climax.
The plan adopted belonged to Mrs
Agnew alone. There was no statistics
In 1t: that is, none that she had tc
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-14
Too Near Home.

little bank in the south blew up
one day and a bank examiner came
down to look it over.
AS he was working he noticed an
old negro walking back and forth In
front of the bank, stopping each trip
to look anxiously at the door. The ex-
aminer finally went out and asked:
whats the matter with you?"
Boss" the negro replied, Il done
had fo'ty-eight dollahs in dat bank"
"Oh. well, you mustn't worry. Banks
fell frequently. you know 1t is moth
ing unusual. Wen make an examina-
ton and you'll get all that is coming
to you. Didn't you ever hear of a
bank blowing up before?"
Yes. sab. | done hear tell of It.
But. boss. this yer is de fust time !
evan had one blow up right in nah
face. Philadelphia Saturday Even
ing Post.
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-14

vanity in her pocket, and serve as
foil for her luckless stepcousin Elise
She was sorry for Elise, whose lie
ran sluggishly between drab walls. IL
had taken all her own mothers tact
and diplomacy to compass Elise's be-
ing where she was. Peggy had been
a little worried at first-Elise had so
few social accomplishments, and
though Peggy was kind she hated car
rying dead weight. But. by and by
when there were evening exhibitions
of drawing-room accomplishments,
Elise had shown such grace, such
lightness. such rhythmic harmony OF
motion as TO redeem herself.
But she had never yet done the
cakewalk, save in the privacy OF thelr
own chamber. big. airy and seciuueu
| one high up in the tower. Peggy had
nracticed 1t with her. enough to make
sure they would not fail She had
thought rather proudly OF the sensa-
ton they would make. quite echpsihg
Marie Dene. straight from Paris ana
still affecting the airs of her Parisian
training II took her all aback, though
70 think of dancing in such guise as
would make her fright. Notwlth-
standing, she agreed generously 10 put
herself out of the question, parity
through INDECENT good nature, parity
also through the impelling OF some
-, rdor tho surface which she
| felt in Elise.
Che did not sense the hidden thlng
until they came out for their turn.
] rae big house rarty had turned itseii
/ TITO vaudeville company, b. way OF
-o.-.,- tho f-ro f9vs Of Granchlng
,ug,.st storm. The house. old ana
rambling but l1yn~iops'v roEoje..
lent Itself admirably 70 such uses. ne
library. four steps higher Than ne 1iS
narlors mon which it gave "i'','.
"a, ere -t~c,. T. WIG c.'y -
rio troub,e {, So" 'r e
Hab,s sc~eeas or wings and back
Grounds. and gorgeous dron q Ffe-
tonne red curtains. tsohosIi 4
! orob.s,-a vas supplemented y; Mss
U.n ,bo qey4vness. at well-am-
,".bod rie~r. U,t he Clory OF 1t al
-, cage Gt-ecror-in private ne
C@orge Augustus Relden. ESQ., but IN
~ r,ontbs of everybody about him.
Georgy. ,a.. doenite
- and much pampered. Peggy
Ia nlaved with him in short IrocKs'
iau - dance in the same class
! and grown up to regard him as a.
once The model and measure oil man
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-14
Remember Only Today.

Finish every day and be done with
II. You have done what you could.
Some blunders and aRsurdities no
doubt crept in forget them as soon az
you can. Tomorrow is new day; be-
gin II well and serenely and with too
high a spirit to be numbered with your
old nonsense This day is all that Is
good and fair. 1t is too dear with Its
hopes and aspirations to waste a mo-
ment upon the yesterday. Emerson.
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-14
POMPADOUR
SISTERS
by Martha McCulIoch. Williams
Copyright, 1911, by Assoc,,,ss 1,,..... -

-, Inc Pompadour Sisters. Horrors,
Eiise' you know l can't wear mink,
win my red cheeks and red hair il
makes me a blowsy peony, And Won
are angelic in pale blue" Peggy said
oiseontentedly, fiinging herself back
on the sofa.
Dut you will. Just this oncei"
Eise entreated, her ewes sparkling
for my sake, You know nv one
,aieit-my gifted feet can't sing
|, !" not a bit clever-I have never
peen anywhere but home and to
schooi. But | can dance. Do help me
70 snow 1t! For a special reason. l.
want TO show I'm worth while"
50 you'll be asked again?" Peggy
queried' Poor chick-a-biddy. Is this
mouse party really 50 much to you?"
nat would it be to YOU, if if was
your tirst-and you had never had a
cnahce to be young, or have fun"
Elise asked almost fercely. III Won
mad to dance by stealth-up in the
garret, with nobody to see-and all
the music, what you could make on a
comb"
Tell mellow did you ever hit on
this frilly cakewalko To think of
the Pompadour as godmother to a
cakeWalk.' Peggy commented smil.
ing.
Elise looked puzzled Was there
ever Pompadour?' she asked Il
thought 1t was just a name-for the
way you wore your hair-and pink
and blue together That's why | said
we'd do the Pompadour Sisters
Peggy explained. betwixt laughing
and signing, She had a pink frock
hne and straight from Paris. but she
dld not want to wear it. Aunt Mar
garet had sent it-Aunt Margaret had
not seen her since she was nine, sc
knew nothing of the high coors
which, properly subdued, made hel
niece so pretty Pink mquestionably
exaggerated them to the degree Of
disagreement But Peggy. the soul Of
good nature, agreed at last to put hei
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-14
To Have Smaller Feet.

The sex will rejoice TO hear that an
English scientist declares that wom-
ems feet are growing smaller. He
claims that a study of former types
Of feet goes to prove that the feet of
modern people are more shapely than
those of their ancestors or those of the
savage races. Perhaps. after all. the
mistakes Of ill-fitting shoes have not
seriously deformed the general type
OF foot.
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-14
Imported Birds.

The number of birds imported into
the United States annually amounts
to about 100000. and as many as H.
900 have become jewellers in America
within one day. The half million
feathered strangers represent 1880
different species. but the greater num-
Der of the importations are of ca
naries, parrots and game birds.
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-14

As 10 Old kinu Cole.

Mother Goose tells us that Old King
Cole was a merry old soul. Therefore.
we presume he had the laughing habit.
1t would be interesting to know what
made him chuckle all over when he
called for his pipe. and called for his
bowl. and called for his fiddlers three.
Does psychology contain an answer
for his?-Chicago Herald.
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-14
"But there isn't a rat about the

But there isn't rat about the
house! Heavens, man, if"
And he went up the street on the
run, with the German delicatessen
man and many small boys crying
stop thief" behind him. The few
seconds that it took him to unlock the
door ceemed hours. Down the hall
and into the sitting room, and he reel
ed as he noted what was on the read
square of paper bearing the label
"ArseIic!"
''She's done it,"
Mr.. Agnew's statistics told him that
at least four residents of Vine avenue
ought to commit suicide that year, but
it had never occurred to him that his
wife might be one of the number.
With a groan that ended in wall he
entered the bedroom. There, on the
bed, was his wife, and clutched in her
fingers was a slip of paper bearing
the words:
81 forgive you! FAREWELL"
A cry-a wail-the doctor!
The medical man said it was prob
ably too late. but he would do his best.
If the patient had taken all the poison
it was an overdose and her life might
be saved. Mr.. Agnew was sent for
emetics and stomach pump and then
kept busy in the kitchen, and the doc
when the woman sat up in bed and
| whispered:
is he out in the kitehen?"
Eyes. Did you take poison?"
mot a grain"
"WelI. what sort Of a circus do you
call this?"
II want to scare Stephen"
"Oh, l see. So the poison is all a
bluff?"
stephen is a good man, doctor, but
| he's all taken up with statistics or
something and l can't get him out OF
the house of an evening or enjoy his
/ company myself. I thought he ought
to have shock. Help me with it,
The doctor did. Mr.. Agnew came
T, in from the kitchen with mustard
water and the hot-water bag and salt
and various other things, and he heard
| the stomach pump going and the doc
tor saying to himself that there was
just one chance in a thousand. i
statistics in that case are ever com
piled. they will show that his tears
flowed freely.
Drawn back from the grave at last
and the doctor taken his departure
the husband hung over the bed ant
appealed:
Darling, what drove you to do it
what, what"
"Your neglect"
but IL"
you had got to be stick of Stats
tics. You thought of nothing else
You handed me mortuary tables from
morning til night, and made M
dream of them as well. Why, Steph
en-, can tell you how many men il
Ohio will break their necks in tn
next twelve months"
"Um! J see. | had to learn tn
tables and carry them in my head
The recovery Of the patient was S
rapid that the husband left for tn
office at the usual hour next morning
He was back in couple of hours
however, to exclaim:
Nov old times shall come back!
"What Is it. dear?"
1--WE changed from life to fire il
surance."
"Yes?"
"All the statistics you have to carr
in fire insurance Is that out of 800
farm barns, II will be struck by ligh
ming between May and October!"
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-14
Selection of a Wife.

In France, Germany, China, Japan
and many other countries, wives are
selected for the man by the parents,
with the assumption that the parents
being older and having larger exper
fence with life, are better capable Of
selecting wife than the inexper.
fenced youth. 1t is not yet proved
that this is an unwise course.-Ex.
change.
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-14
Nails First Forged by Hand

Nails, an indispensable article for
everyday use in "a thousand and one
ways, are not, as many of us may sup
pose. OF very ancient origin. Natur-
ally there has always been a substi-
tute, but it has only been since 1910
that machinery has been employed to
any extent in the manufacture of nails.
Previous to that time they were made
by hand by forging on an anvil. and
great numbers of men were employed
In the industry.
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-14
Presidents and Soldiers.

Washington, Monroe and Jackson
we're soldiers in the Revolutionary
war; Jackson, w. H. Harrison, Tyler.
Taylor and Buchanan in the War of
1925; Lincoln in the Black Hawk
war; Taylor, Pierce and Grant in the
Mexican war: Grant, Hayes. Garfield.
Arthur, B. Harrison and Mckinley in
the Civil war, and Roosevelt was In
the war with s.
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-14
Her Quaintness.

"cu'rs CONAN, muh wife IS von
planned Brother Bogus. she Il 49, -
INV Kind of a story bout former t,
Inf she won't blieve her own avn avn
Welded husband on OATH . lle we,
~. ,oIs ,bout Jonah and de whale fum
S Sc TO end. but when ! comes
Lin home fun de lodge at Two
O'clock in de mawnin and tens ne
1 S kent me so long was ne pm
, W. a strtterin candidate sne
Iis-.' IKE a camel,"-kansas CiS
Star.
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-14
To Wash White Corduroy.

Wash in warm. soapy water until
clean, using a good quality soap, then
boil one-half hour in soapy water.
Rinse in clear water, changing the
water three times, and rinsing again
In cold biuing water. Don't wiring or
squeeze, but hans drip dry in open
air if possiblel. DCrt iron.
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-14
DRAWING the Line.

Tomdix-"Is It true that young
Greenes engagement is cff?" Hoiax-
"Yes." Tomdix-"What was the trou-
ble-did the girl decline to live in .
flat?' Hojax-"No; with one"
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-14
The Retort Matrimonial.

she-You can't ever accuse me OF
helping you to make a fool of your
self.
He-I don't know about that. You
said yes when | asked you to marry
me
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-14
Applause at a Concert.

you seem to enjoy the heavy Wag-
merriam numbers on the program" Il
don't Then why do you applaud SO
strongly" Il want to hear the pretty
little pieces they always play for en-
cores
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-14
Telephone Record.

The French language has been
found much better adapted tc long
distance telephoniag than the English,
and expert operators in Paris have
succeeded in transmitting messages to
London at the rate of 100 words a min
ute
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-14
The End Of All ThInaa.

Man with Paper-"Here's q preacher
In Syracuse, N. Y, who declares that
the time will come when there viii be
no liars In the world" Pessimist-
We'll. the world is due to end some
time. Canadian Courier.
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-14
Professions
cu1ROPRACTOR

| cH1RoPRAcToR
q. SCARBOROUGH.
LADY in Attendance
Ruilding, Between Park
and Auditorium
OFFICE HOURS
m. 1889 to s p. m.
Loo to $3.50 p. m.
.;on and Examination Free.
sorc, Phone 240 Black
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-14

| SARAH E. WHEELER
OSTEOPATH
|nnex. Door South of First
National Bank
LAKELAND, FLA.
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-14
Nn kink "a Il

Agreeable advice is like pleasant
medicine. easy TO take but OF little
benefit-Lafayette Courier.
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-14
U n. MENDENHALL

CIVIL ENGINEERS
9,2-215 Drane Building
LAKELAND, FLA.
Land Examinations and
psigns, Earthwork Special
veys.
phone 278 Black.
lone 27S Blue.
The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1916-01-14
Little to Worry About.

dgation by the geological sur
the erosion of drainage basis
that the surface of the coun-
being worn away at the rate OF
an inch in eco y<ars.
Brownsville herald. [volume] (Brownsville, Tex.) 1910-current, 1916-03-03
Essentials For Pure
Milk Are Outlined

AUSTIN. Tex. March 3.-"The essen
tials for pure milk are cleanliness,
freshness and cold" SAYS n bulletin.
Pure MILK and How tn Get It. recent
~ issed by University of Texas. No
milk the writer continues Scan he
pure unless produced in a cleanly man
ner and the number of ba"teria in milk
and handling. a high bacterial content
shows that either the milk was badly
contaminated al the outset or has been
allowed 10 become warm. or j. cold.
Milk NAV become contaminated from
the cow. manure, dusty. dirty contain
ers or dirty hands. 1t NAV also become
contaminated by the act Of coughing or
sneezing over or near and in the direc
ton If the container. Contamination
from the human source is the most dan
gerouS and il is from this source that
most III the disease producing organisms
come
These NAV reach the milk unless care
has been taken Ia nave clean hands and
no one Shonld milk ur handle the milk
who has n sore throat or sores on his
hands.
Milk should he cooled rs soon as DOS
Sihlc after milking aud il should he kept
mt a temDerature not over - degrees
fahrenheit until used.
The following questions relative Ia
the milk supply are asked Of the hnlle
tin reader and will doubtless be asked
during the Baby Week" Of the mothers
who feed their children in large part on
milk. 10 ven know from personal oh
Scrvatinn the conditions under which
This imnnriant %nrtis'r of food il pre-
duced? u" Won know If the COWS prodmc
ing the milk have pissed the tuhercnlin
t"St? po Won know il the cows and
the sheds ia which the milk j. drawn
ave kent clean and free FROM flies? Ia
yru know if The milk utensils are dean
aud StcriliZcd? Have Won stopped t.
think that il costs more to produce \
clean milk than i dirty one. ~ that
as long rs all milk commands the same
price there il no induccmcnt - clean mn?
Take an excursion during BABY Week
IT, vanr dairicS and ret together for
Pure Milk for the Babies"
Brownsville herald. [volume] (Brownsville, Tex.) 1910-current, 1916-03-03
LAY PLANS FOR
NEW STATE CODE
M'NEALUS SAYS MEETING WILL BE
CALLED FOR SOMETIME THIS
MONTH IN STATE.

DALLAS. Tex. March 3.-A~cording
10 State Senator j. {. McNealus here. a
meeting will be called for some time this
month to lay plans for a state constitu-
tional convention. the proposed new docu-
ment 10 embody certain measures relative
10 land and tax reforms. Men Of promin-
ence IN the state will be asked to attend
the preliminary meeting.
This conference, Senator McNealus
says. has fer it, purpose the consideration
Of land questions from the viewpoint of the
man without u home. based on the slogan
land for the landless and homes for rne
poor lie said the originator u the move
ment was J. J. Pastoriza. former tax com
missioner Of Houston. No date has been
set for the meeting, which will be- held some
time this month. and which will be non
partisan IN nature.
Brownsville herald. [volume] (Brownsville, Tex.) 1910-current, 1916-03-03
sDetrOit Tigers Will Meet NY. Nationals OF
New York On Dallas Diamond Mar. 25-2G

Johnson. and sand:
Well. Walter. nrrc'> the chance both
of us have been looking for. Now we a
decide who has the most nerve"
Johnson pitched. The 1.-THE body of
the Georgian hurled itself forward. The
ball flashed 10 the outticld. Three men
scored.
Cobb puIird Up 1T third and noticing
that .Inhu>un seemed rather down asst
used his hands ~ y m~ceaphonr and. ac-
c%oriing to the umpire. said:
Never mind. Walter. old hoy. You
pitched thai ball 50 sist thar | never
saw it. | Just shut my eyes and slam
med
Brownsville herald. [volume] (Brownsville, Tex.) 1910-current, 1916-03-03

as an operator and station agent ana
il one If the best known passenger men
in the state. For seven years he was
general passenger agent Of the Frisco
North Texas lines AT Fort Worth be
fore coming IN Houston III January,
1912. as general passenger agent of the
Gulf Coast Lines.
Brownsville herald. [volume] (Brownsville, Tex.) 1910-current, 1916-03-03
To Break up a Cold

Into a pitcher. put a tablespoonful OF
butter. a quarter of a cup Of light brown
sugar, an ounce OF fresh whole allspice,
the juice of one orange and one lemon
and a pint of Duffy's Pure Malt Whiskey-
Let the butter. sugaA allspice and whis-
key stand for half an hour. then add a
half pint of boiling water. Stir well be-
fore serving. The juice OF the orange and
lemon. last Of all To he served IN a wine
glass
This drink is particularly wholesome.
appetizing and strengthening. especially
in stormy weather. Prompt action on
such occasions in administering . pure
sumuIant, like Duffy's Pure Malt Whiskey.
so pleasantly combined, will break up q
cold and perhaps ward of more serious
attacks Of bronchitis o. pneumonia
Brownsville herald. [volume] (Brownsville, Tex.) 1910-current, 1916-03-03
Army and Navy Reception at White House

WASHINGTON. March 3.-The final
reception in this winters series Of so
cial functions AZ the White House il
that Of tonight. in which the prominent
officials If the army and nav depart
ments ~ the government will be the
guests. AL Of the receptions have been
brilliant affairs. and tonight's will
have the added dazzle Of uniforms.
Brownsville herald. [volume] (Brownsville, Tex.) 1910-current, 1916-03-03

PLAN 0PPULAR
NATIONAL GUARD LOOKING FOR
WARD TO LIBERALIZATION OF
NATIONAL GUARD.

IHN ANsUtIHTfN TFF~0-f
AUSTIN. Texas. March 3.-Prespects
Tor the ultimate passage OF the prepared
ness measure IN congress, feieralizIng the
national guard has met with enthusiasm
among the members of the Texas militia,
according IL Colonel j. T. Stockton, as
sistant quartermaSter general. who has
Just completed a tour Of inspection OF a
number of companies III the state militia.
General accord with the national admin
istration's plans for preparedness was
found among most members of the guard.
he sand. There are approximately 30O0
men and officials IN the state militia Of
Texas.
Brownsville herald. [volume] (Brownsville, Tex.) 1910-current, 1916-03-03
She Wasn't Posted.

The t,lkativc woman met the great
lecturer the next morning and ~ once
rushed right into the ~lhicct.
: sorry not to have heard vonr lc.
lure last night. she murmurc,I. -
know I MISSED = treat. c,crthri. ~, :
II was splendid
Il wonder how they found IL ont =
said Mr.. Frnckcoat; the lecture. YOU
know. was postponed. san Francisco
Argnnlut.
Brownsville herald. [volume] (Brownsville, Tex.) 1910-current, 1916-03-03

CHftAGO-Two pmciIiSts who later
gained the top in their respective elias.
ScS were participants in IN amateur Sc
rie> here more than ten years ago. ac-
c%"rling 10 information found in an old
scrap book. Johnny Coulon. later ban
tam weight champion made his ring de.
hui II the time. defeating Danny Good.
man. who became 4 we'll known lirht.
weight aftcrward. James now known rs
Jimmy 'albhy also tonk part aud though
now a middlewcight. then was clasScd rs
\ feather. The tournament was held
December ~. 1905.
Brownsville herald. [volume] (Brownsville, Tex.) 1910-current, 1916-03-03

CHICAGO-G. h. Sutton has accented
the challenge Of William Hoppe for a
billiard match IL be PLAYED some time
after October 4. The match j. to be 1900
points al lS2 balk line, for "a side bet
# S2.1OO. IL may be played in New York
Chicago or both cities.
BLOOMINGTON Indiana Fred
i'eebe. well known pitcher in the Nation
al League a lew SEASONS past has de
ciIned an offer "a JOIN the San Francisco
club Of the Pacific coast league in order
that he may fulfill his contract a. coach
the baseball team of Indiana Univcr
Slty. lie may later accept some offer
Brownsville herald. [volume] (Brownsville, Tex.) 1910-current, 1916-03-03
Prehistoric Monster
Remains Unear,hed
In Tex. Gravel Pit

TERRELL. Texas. March i.-Thc re-
mains Of a prehistoric monster Mere I'M
rarthed III \ gravel pit III Ro~~er, near
here today. One tn~k j. twenty one inches
long and eighteen inches III circumference.
The find will be reported 70 the geological
TIN.