The St. Joseph observer. [volume] (St. Joseph, Mo.) 1906-1932, 1916-01-29
HIS SLIPPERY SHOES
RETIRED MERCHANT TELLS TALE
OF DIRE DISASTER.
With New Pair Of "Boxes" on His
Feet He Left the store, Feeling
Important, but Pride Had
Downfall.

"The shoemaker ought to glue a
piece of sandpapcr on the sole Of each
new shoe" said the retired merchant
81 bought pair Of boxes for my feet
this morning, and thought Id wear
them home to get them broke in.
stepped from the store into the street
feeling all dressed up. 1t beats ali
what a difference it makes in a mans
self-esteem when he is wearing some.
thtug new. If it's only a necktle that
costs % cents, he feels chesty over il
and is satisfied that it's the finest neck
tie in the United States.
when | purchase n clean shave al
the tonsorial parlor, always gel 1OC
per cent more dignified and am Tot SO
approachable as | was before.F ex.
pect a certain amount of Difference on
the part of the proletariat.
with those new shoes on my feet
realized that | am an important clti-
zen, and my chest was pushed for
ward, and my head tilted back. Mrs.
Wagonseller and Mrs. Binnacle were
tsnding in front of the store. They
are the smoothest women in town, and
sm proud of their acquaintance.
stepped up with old-school courtesy,
lifting my hat and smiling umbra-
geously. and then those new shoes gave
me away. They just naturally slid out
from under me, with malice afore.
thought, in the county and state afore'
said. and l sat down on the concrete
pavement right between the two
women.
They are perfect ladies in every
respect, and they tried their hangedest
to look as though nothing unusual had
happened, as though their gentlemen
friends made practice OF kerplunking
themselves down on the sidewalk right
at their feet.
"perhs IS if l had got up promptly
and had treated the matter as a joke
they wouldn't have been overpowered
But the jolt 1 got when | sat down
must have unsettled my faculties. for
just sat there looking at those shoes
trying to figure out what object they
had in handing me such a deal. | sup
pose | must have been a humorous
spectacle. Anyhow, after writhing
around for a minute. trying to keep
from laughing, Mrs. Wagonseller ut
tered a shrek, and then Mrs. Binnacle
began to gasp and gurgle like some
strong swimmer in his agony, and then
they just leaned against each Other
and let go oil holds and yelled witt
merriment. About forty thousand
women came up to see what the fun
was. and | never felt so cheap in my
life.
Il climbed to my feet, having re
gained my reason at last, and deter
mined to make the best of it. so | ex
planned, as | brushed the dust off my
raiment, that my shoes were not
equipped with emergency brakes, and
while was explaining the blamed
things did another tango stunt and
sat down in the same place with q
zeal worthy of better cause.
We'll they just simply had to carry
some Of those women into a rest room
and pour ice water over them. | don't
see anything SO laundering funny in
man having a hand-to-hand conflict
with his feet. but | guess l have nc
sense Of humor.
"Befor. got those shoes home
had fallen in all the popular styles
There's no sense in making shoes will
soles like creased glass, and | am go
ing to write to our congressman ant
have him introduce some sort Of &
bill"
About five hundred people have told
me of your grOund-and-lofty tumblins
Oh the public streets" observed the no
tel keeper, but nobody said anything
about new shoes. They all seemed t
take ii for granted that you had beer
blowing your savings for hard cider.
Pittsburgh Gazette-Times.