The Detroit times., 1916-06-03
What's the Use?
~ Or. FRANK CRANE
Copyright. 1915. by Frank Crane)

There's nothing you can do right that
somebody can't look at it wrong. And
there's nothing SO wrong that a man
cant get around at some angle where it
seems perfectly good.
As far as / can see, the people in this
world are engaged in calling each other
names.
Everybody has his own pot Of paint,
and he goes about daubing everything to
suit himself.
4 Call it preparedness" adequate de-
fense," getting ready to enforce JUS
tice," and we are all in favor Of it; call It
"militarism" or "war scare" and we are
against it.
Germnas look upon themselves as pa
triots. dying for the Fatherland, defend
ing themselves against their leagued enc
mics, people of the highest culture and
efficiency organized to maintain their in
tegrity; their enemies consider them
Huns, barbarians and bandits, burglariz-
ing civilization, seeking to dominate Eu-
rope by Prussianism.
It's the same everywhere. II you're
economical, trying to save your money
and setting down all your expenses in a
little book, they call you a cheap skate
and tightwad.
| If you're generous and like to be a
good fellow and always ask for the check
when there's little dinner, why you're
a spendthrift and prohigate.
| If you take a drink once in a while,
they say, Zones is boozer; saw him 20
into a saloon the other day. too badw
And If you never drink, you're crank
or fanatic.
If you attend to business you're dull,
drab and horizontal, you're an old
routinier and a mutt if you dance and
go to the theater and sit up late and 20
Joy-riding, you are a sport and will bear
watching.
If you are nice to the ladies and like
to talk to pretty girls, you are dude,
a masher, a gay Lothario and home
breaker; if you stick to your own wife
and are not interested in the lures of
femininity you are dead one.
If you go to church you are a bigot,
narrow, provincial and a back number:
if you don't, you are an infidel, sinner,
and a loose character
Whatever you do is wrong.
Sometimes you feel like Willy. John
ny" said the mother, "go out in the yard
and see what Willy is doing, and what
ever he is doing, tell him to stop it."
If you like books and spend your even
ings in your library, you are a hermit,
q clam, an anchorite, and hate your fel-
lowmen; if you don't read, you are a
! lowbrow.
If you have money and give to charity,
you are seeking notoriety and are cor
rupting and pauperizing people; if you
have money and don't give, you are a
miser.
If you're firm, you're stubborn. If you
are consistent, you are bonehead. If
you listen to reason and change your
opinions, you are weathercock. If you're
affectionate, you're mushy. If you talk,
you're chatterbox; and if you don't
talk, you're clam. If you dress well,
you're dandified; and if not, you're
slouch
If you're for Wilson, you are looking
for job; If you're for Bryan, you're
hayseed if you're for Ford, you're a
mollycoddle; if you're for Roosevelt and
Hearst, you're trouble-maker and own
Bethlehem Steel stock; if you're for
Hughes, you want to beat Roosevelt; il
you're for Root, you're corporation
slave; and if you're for Taft, you're
has-been. If you're for anybody, some-
things crooked about you; and if you are
for nobody, you are bad citizen because
you're not interested in politics.
If you say you're sick, they accuse you
of whining; and If you say you are well,
they accuse you of being Christian Sci
enlist or New Thoughter.
So what's the use! Let's go round
1 Ta,1