davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08

piece of bologna sausage. They fn- ally agreed that each should take an end of the sausage in his teeth and pull and each keep what he got. The Ir,shman closed his teeth on the saul sage and said: Are you ready?" The German opened his mouth and said: "Yaw." And while the German was saying "Yaw' the Irishman pulled and got the whole sausage
 Joe Schultz says that the oldest joke is the one about the hired man who quit his job and the farmer made him take his pay In ax handles. The hired man walked into n saloon and asked for drink and laid down an ax handle in payment. And the bar tender gave him two hatchet handles and a hammer handle in change.
 E. W. M. says that the oldest joke Is the one about the old German who was out turtle hunting and who stop ped in at q little tavern to get a drink. The German was feeling good over his luck and said to the Host: "If you can tell me how many turtles have in that bag 1 will give you all three of them" The Host studied for while and then replitd: "You have three turtles in that bag" The old German scratched his head and then said: By golly someone must have told you. ."-( (CIncinnatl Enqu.rerl
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08
THE YEAR 1915 AS A BUSINESS MAGICIAN
Cincinnati Enoulrer.)


 Every day of the week just past brought forth strong CT evidence of the force and tide of prosperity which now has aroused business activities in every state of the Union.
 Not one them but is freed Of the depression of the years from 1907 to 1914 and the Yuetide this year with it's spiritual blessings and Joys to nation of people righfully rejoicing amidst plethora of ma terla bountes.
 What marvellous changes for tho better has the year 1915 produced in the material interests of this nation la every class and The of Its business affairs
 single year has brought recordbrcakng transactions volume and value; has disbanded the armies of Idle persons and has recruited them armies of profitable producers happy in the employment of earning and purchasing power far beyond that experienced or possessed by the people of any nation that the sun ever ihone upon since the creation of the world.
 A single year has transformed business depression nto unparalleled activity. single year. with magical has swept away the dsappointments and losses of the several lean that preceded and brought the United States far above their clouds and gloom.
 The last week has added scores of millions of dollars In the value the holdings of grain and other food tuffs n possession of farmers of the United States.
 The urgent need of the countries of Northern. West ern and Sourthern Europe now are disclosed fully and these disclosures in every point confirm the statements which the Enquirer for the last four months repeatedly made its readers to the total lack of food re- serves Tn those sections of that continent
 Europe must buy the food of It's people here to an extent never before approached and every month the war lasts the demand will bepihe more urgent and the exports from this country greater at the high prices prevailing
 Not in any country of Europe either belligeren or neutral there expectancy of Russian grain com ng through the Dardaneles until peace declared Por tugal Spain, Italy. Greece, France. Holland Denmark Sweden Norway and Great Britain have no reserves of food of any considerable extent and with the Suez canal threatened and Austrian and German submarines active in patrollng the Mediterranean. Egypt and India cannot be depended upon for supplies of gain either wheat barley. corn, rye or rice.
 All these months until the next harvest, Europe must secure its foodstuffs here.
 If the lasts until next August Europe's needs will be far greater for the of devastation still spreads and the cutivators will be millions less in numbers.
 The farmers of the United States should cultivate every square Inch of land possible for the production o oodstuffs in 91s for the population of every other con tinent will require their yield
 Financial conditions In the United States excel lent industrial conditions of the very best agricultural conditions good and the people of the Republic have great cause to remember with gratitude the mater ial benefits that the year 1916 has brought to them
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08
ROOSEVELT AND "BIG BUSINESS

Former President Theodore Roosevelt would wear a green blanket and silver collar and follow fawnns be- hind most sordd dictatOria of Wall Street trusts stopping only to lick the hand that held the chain if he could be guaranteed another term as President No circus dog ever turned trick to the crack of ring masters whip more readily and gracefully than the for me. President would serve boss or money that would place him once more In the Suns That he ia today ask lng coaxng promising Big Business for support has been established beyond reasonable doubt. The ego Inflated "reformer' politician and Roughrder hero. who begged governorship from Boss Platt. excoration of whom had been Roosevelt industry. now greyhaired but st ambitious for the stages center is bending the hinges of the knee before the Money Power which he berated so voclferously in the days when undertaking was In flower
 And there are those who look upon government con tro as an incident of business who would put vain glorious. swashbucklng trucker for spotlight with whose characteristics none more familiar at the head of the American nation In time of great stress such as that which lowers heavily at the present time just because they think that he keep the gun and shell making rolls and lahes and guages n motion and maintain the tide of dividends at full flood
 However, we have too much confidence In American patriotism to believe that they VIII again be fooled by the ambitious Colonel much confidence in the patriotism Ot American business menyea, in the patriotism of those Americans who do bushes on Wall street-to believe that majority of them win attempt to raise the Oyster Bay fame seeker to the first place In national authority We have too much confidence in the rank and file of Republicans to believe that they would tolerate such sacrifice of principle to expedency as would be involved in the nomination of Col ROOse welt as their party candidate for the Presidency We believe that Col RoOseyets sun has set We believe that the American people are tired Of him.
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08
gALuRE Ar THE DARDENELLEs
fNew York World.)


 When failure is fact of general knowledge and con- Sesson is the unacceptable condition of wiser action to delay confession s stupid The withdrawal of the allied troops from the Suva Bay and is such con fcssion.
 The Gallipoh campaign has been muddled both In policy and in detail If the British had in after the Goeben and Breslau had smashed them at once, Turkey probably would not have gone into the war Later the naval attack the passage was possibly permissible gamble But the military bundering which robbed valor great shown under any flag of It's fruits ot SedduBahr and at Sulya Bay when in both cases decisive advances sacrificed for lack of timely support. akin to that which wrecked the drives at Neuve Chappelie and Lens
 More recently the troops have teen marking time with siege warfare while German and Bulgarian armies 3vcrrun Serbia and mcnaced the saonca expedition with expulsion Expert critics generally have favored the re- moyal of the Dardaneles forces to that front the most important in the Near East where they inspire the Greeks with greater respect fight o attack and pre- pare for more hopeful aggressives in the spring
 Whether prestige In the Mohammedan world would be lost by the withdrawal must have been anxiously considered in council In any case 1t has been lost or greatly damaged by the Bagdad repuse and by the long delay before Constantnople The way to re-establIsh prestige is to win victories If the Anzac forces can help do that elsewhere, 1t Is wise to move them.
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08
UNIQUE PHASE OF
 sEWARD-ANcHoRAoE
 SPIRIT OF RIVALRY

In a recent Issue of the Cook Inlet Pioneer appears story on the front page, which says that in it's desire 10 knock Anchorage, Seward sent moving picture man and outfit to An- chorage to take moving pictures of the ice there. The Cook Inlet Pion- ger is not to be blamed for that In Seward at present is Q man who met one of the publishers of the Pioneer on the street at Anchorage some time ago. What do you think of that" says he to the newspaper man. that internal Seward bunch has got a man down there on the waterfront with @ moving picture out sit taking pictures Of the ice to send them outside" And away rushes the scribe to publish Stewards villany to the world.-(Seward Gateway)
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08
CHICAGO HERALDs CHRISTMAS DAY EDITORIAL

For the coming Of another Christmas. we thank Thee. Lord.
 For the return of prosperity. for the Oanishment of the hunger which year ago wasted millions in our land VIC thank Thee O Lord.
 For continued peace for the dissipation of the clouds of misunderstanding and hatred and malice and greed. which menaced the quietude of these broad lands we thank Thee. Lord!
 From this country Of refuge look out upon the world in which north east south. west. mans hand has been turned murderousy against his brother. We have seen trbuatiou and dissolution unprecedented We have witnessed the death of brave. strong men. on distant shores We have listened to the death cries of beautiful young men We have heard the terrible call of stricken women To our ears have come the walls of little child reu mortaly hurt. From these hOrOrrs we have been spared For our deliverance. O Lord. thank Thee
 With bounteOus harvests Tho uhas 6lest us With riches Thou has given us power. Continue to look with favor upon Thy people. Make jealous for right Teach us to consider the poor and lOwly Inspire us to heed the necessities of the weak and the defense less in our own nation.
 Aid us to comfort the widows and the faherless with all the socitude and all the wisdom which Thou hast bestowed upon us Suffer us to think of<the men still out of work Arouse us to regard the plight of the man! WnO LOl ucoptit-e4g anu -0s Ho'S -SN -~ eat nor the place to enjoy soothing sumbeT.
 On this holy Christmas day make us to remember especially the little children. Require with Thy power to keep mind the babies who from their birth are con demned to disease poverty and crime. Suffer us mol to forget the uniformed children who driven into Oui factories and shops there to sell their poor bOdca fol the pitifu price of lie.
 Thou hast made us prosperous. Thou hast suffered us to dwell in peace and safety Thou hast given u another Christmas Day. Tho hast given sOlicitud' lest all be not wcll with our brOthers
 For all these things. thank Thee LOrd
 We pray Thee that on this miraculous day the spiri Of good will may grow. that 1t may bring life nor abundanty to all Of Thy people in all classes and in al lands.
 For the coming of another Christmas. wo thank Thee lord!
 Perhaps the best way to get rid Of zapata would O to ask him his lowest cash terms for becoming hgh upright and completely disinterested patriot
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08
CITY DOCK IS PAYING

Lot The Empire do your printing
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08

Any time you see a man putting the Fifties and the Twenties in the mid de of his roll and wrapping the Ones and Twos on the outside where they show. you can bet that he has been over the jumps once or twice In his lifetime.
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08

Those Senators who are objectng to the confirmation or the nomination eatimabe and capable man to be Ambassador to Mexico account Of opposition to the carranza government should accompany hor objections with resolutions setting forth the dictator Huerta should be restored to power In that country by American bayonets That Is entirely within the province of Con- gress Let the people have an opportunity to decide between definite policies
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08

The city dock of Juneau Is Q paying institution. This fact was reported by City Clerk and Magistrate Petit last night to the council. During the month of December the total receipts were S711.O5. After all expenses were paid there remained on the right side of the ledger a balance of $26s.O5. Al though the figures presented from month to month regarding the docks finances do not always take into con- sideration the up.keep, Mir. Petit stated that there would be Q profit on the years business of the dock.
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08

The record made by Judge Jennings in dispOsng of moro cases for less money than any other Judge has done in Alaska in recent times, while iu wise reflect ing on other courts eloquent testimony of the efficiency and industry of the First Division Judge Since becom- ing Judge of the District Court with headquarters at this
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08
WnI lt cnme To Thla7

The President-Henry Ford.
 The Vice President-Jane Addams
 Tho Cabinet-Secretary of Peace and Piffle, W. ]. Bryan; Secretary of Prohibition. Richmond P. Hobson Secretary of the Treasury, Jacob A. Coxey.-(ClncInnati Erquirer.)
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08
Tut. rutl

Wllle-Paw, if you were in the woods and roaming In the dark, how could you know a dogwood trees7 Could you tell 1t by it's bark?-(cin- clnnat Enquirer-)
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08

place. Judge Jennings has been prcdigous worker. He hes kept the court In session almost continuously shoes his induction Into office and the cost has been TO- duced
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08
LADIES WHO FIND FAULT wItI

LADIES WHO FIND FAULT with cleaning, pressing and repairing ought by all means to try our work. It's bound to please everyone. Satisfying customers Is our business. Try us and see. Ever have your clothes pressed the Hoffman way7 or your furs cleaned herei You'll like it. The Renovatory. Phone ss4. l-5-tf.
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08

Ernest Thompsonseton has been unable to get along with the Boy Scouts One could hardly expect him to get along with anybody else when he could not escape quarrel with his own name.
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08
MOMENTS cLue ro MEEr

The Juneau Women's Club is meet ing this afternoon at the City Hall. An interesting program is being rem dered by the Department of Econo- mics. Mrs. Lena Morrow Lewis is chairman of this department and as she has just returned from lecture trip to the Westward she gave Q very interesting talk on conditions as she found them there.
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08

Speaker Clark is reported as adhearlng to cOnvIc ton that The Colonel will be the Republican Presidential nominee Perhaps he Is only hoping It.
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08

Persons close to Mr. Roosevelt say that he has "a per 'ect passion to defeat Wilson, Four years ago he felt the same way toward President Taft-(New York Sum-
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08

It is reasonable to suppose that our position is growing more all the time. Some day we will wake up to our accrung advantages and then will express 1t by the confidence which 1t deserves( Boston News Bureau
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08

Society writers nowadays are saying chef guest h. stead of guest of honor" Only step to "the main squeeze The lingo of exclusive circles and the ular of the sums have points of conact-tLouisvile Courier,Journal)
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08

Dispatches indicate that the United States continues round up few beated potters who couldn't nn- lsh in time to be arrested witL the Chicago Herald.)
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08

Judging from the number of generals Joffre has re- tired one would say that he was general clean Ing up
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08
nYElNe ANp CLEANING

WHEN OTHERS FAIL to please you call 177, the Capital Dye Works, for French Dye Cleaning, steam clean ing. dying and pressing. We have pleased others and can please you. c. MELDNER. professional cleaner and dyer tt
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08
eulN rERRIroRIAL GOVERNMENTS WERE 'ALIKE

No advocate Of seltgOverument has ever cOntended ha, an Territorial governments in the United States have been alike They contend that there Is full Ter roral form Of government" for instance and the kind of Territorial government that Alaska has, They do claim however that of the American inhabited Terri- tories of the last 75 yearsmOre than two of them all but Alaska and Utah had governments that were for all practical purposes Identical.
 There Is nothing uncertain about the meaning or manner of government contemplated by the term full Territorial form of government" It Is far definite than is the form of government contemplated by the term statehood" before the adoption Ot State cOnst tutou There are far more differences .n number and greater differences in import in the supreme laws of the different States-the State consutiOns-han there was In the supreme lawsthe organic acts-Ot those Terri tories which had full Territorial form of government
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08

The Austrian note on the reveals the familiar European obsesslon that diplomatic note Is principally an opportunity for display of diplomatic virtuosy-(ch cago Herald)
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08

The Club Loses Member. Mir Uzzle Guttz. of Chocolate, Tex as. has had h.s named changed to James Watcon.
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08

The only thing ever created that Is worse than a loud.mouthed woman Is Q loud.mouthed man.
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08

As the Nemesis of the Terrible Teddy, MT. Garrison s again filling high and important duty in an excel lent and efficient manner Baltimore Sum-
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08
srovEs AND REPAIRS

Come and see about my 1916 prices. They are made to satisfy everybody. c. Drliea. Sanitary Plumbing l14 Front Street. Tel. 27s. l-s-tf.
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08
PuaLIc sreNoeRApHERs

yUNEAU's PUBLIC sTENoGRA- pher. Mrs. k. c. Hazelton. 421 Gold. stein Building. Res. 15 Cliff Apats., Phone 2Os. l1-4-6m-
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08

Nothing tires a girl 80 much as hay ing to sit down at dance.
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08

cable says that Mir Ford peace commissioner, Is coming back" Very few of them have ever done SOL fchfoooo rIaroIdl
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08
JANlToR SERVICES

Day and Night janItor service and window cleaning. All work promptly attended to. Monthly rates. Phone 22s. GORDON C THOMAS. 11-24'tf.
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08
BITS OF BY PLAY (By Luke McLuke)
[ . . . | | ! . . q . I : :

{ Cincinnati Enquirer) There's Many Slip After tho Cup Touches the Lipl
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08
AUTO REPAIRS.

U.AUTo REPAIR and vuIcaniae at the Juneau Garage. We do night and day work. Willoughby Avenue, phone 262, G. E. Collins, Propr. s-1O-6m
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08

SEATTLE RESTAURANT - Chop Suey and Chinese Noodles sent out on special orders. Prompt, quick ser vice. Box seats for ladies. 5S Front Phone s-4-3 9-9-6m
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08
REsrAuRANTe AND cAFEs

OWL CAFE open day and night Best meals in town. Chop Suey and Noodles. Chinese style. 1S7 Front St 9.9.6m
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08

Many man makes 30 much noise blowing his own horn that he can't hear opportunity when she knocks at his door.
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08

Just because man is enjoined to love h.s nelghbor as himself is no ex- cuse for him becoming inordInately fond of himself.
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08

The trouble with being polite and asking man how he feels is the fact that you are usually expected to stay there for an hour while the man tells vou.
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08

The man who made no mistake when he married probably saved some body else from making one.
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08

Hart schaffner & Marx Suits at 25ss
 discount. GoldsteIn's EmporIum 1.5.tf.
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08

Wisdom Is a very useful thing that we acquire too late to use.
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08
Classified Advertisements
wAMrEp-MIscsIIanuous

wANTED-Three or four room fur. nished apartment. B.-Empire. .7.tf.
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08
BRIEF DECISIONS
(Judge.

The world Is always ready to listen to the man who hasn't time to talk.
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08

Hart, schaffner 6 Marx Coats 1-s .ff cniaafAin,a- Emnnrinm 1-s.tf.
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08

The World is sOO,oOO,OOo years old. And every day in the week you meet men who imagine that the world pos sibly would so out of business if any thing happened to them.
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08

Miss RhOda Truck lives at Oxford. Ohio.
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08

soggy Buttg lIveg at LOgan. ohIO
The Alaska daily empire., 1916-01-08

The Joe Miller Contest Jess Hartford says this Is the oldest joke:
 A German and an Irishman were auarrelIng over the possession of a
The Bemidji daily pioneer. [volume] (Bemidji, Minn.) 1904-1971, 1916-09-13

greatest lawn tennis player in the
world, may never appear again in a
national tournament. The Califor-
MIA Comet, as he was known at the
height of brilliant career, made this
assertion just after he walked off
the court at Forest Hills the after
noon of Sept. 1, a beaten man, elm
mated by George Church, the Won
derful New Jersey player.
The defeat of Mclaughlin was char
acterized by himself as. the saddest
blow he ever has had to endure.
"There never was anything want
ed more than this one more cham
pionship, not even the Davis cup
matches two years ago." he said. Il
want to come back next year. love
the game and want to play again in
national tournaments but my bust
ness in California probably will make
it Impossible for me"
Mclaughlin and Thomas Bundy,
formerly tennis player with ma
tional reputation, are running a
sporting goods house in San Fran
cisco.
The Bemidji daily pioneer. [volume] (Bemidji, Minn.) 1904-1971, 1916-09-13

midi, says: "My back ached so Sc
verely that I couldn't rest we'll at
night. It was hard for me to turn
in bed or change my position. Be-
lieving that the trouble was caused
by some disorder of my kidneys, I
was led to try. Doan's Kidney Pills,
procured at Bankers Drug Store, as
one of my people had been cured of
kidney complaint by them. They
soon removed the pain in my back.
They also strengthened my kidneys
and have felt we'll ever since"
Price soc, at all dealers. Don't
simply ask for a kidney remedy-get
Doan's Kidney Pills the same that
Mrs. Blonde had. Foster Milburn
Co., Props, Buffalo, N. {Y.-Adv.
The Bemidji daily pioneer. [volume] (Bemidji, Minn.) 1904-1971, 1916-09-13
today for first practice. Nearly 100

today for first practice. Nearly 100
men responded.
Hogg faces q big job to make
winning team, but while the material
is only average, the coaching staff
is unusual. -.~-~--.~,
Eleven first string men were lost
from last years team, but the sub
stitutes were high class. ~~.-.,-.-~,. -
Quarterback, ends and tackles are
the weak points here. Half backs
and fullback should be the teams
strong points. At the guard posi-
tions Hogg and Morse doubtless will
continue. s. WI NIX t&za}
The first game is scheduled with
Holy Cross Sept. 80, and one with
North Carolina university October z.
The Bemidji daily pioneer. [volume] (Bemidji, Minn.) 1904-1971, 1916-09-13
LORIMER NOW SEEKS
CONGRESSIONAL NOMINATION

Chicago, Sept. 13.-Ousted from
the United States senate for the way
he obtained his election, former Sena-
tor William Lorimer was a come
back candidate for the congression-
al nomination on the Republican
ticket in the state primaries here to-
day.
The appearance of the ousted sena-
tors name on the ballot was the sig
nal for the renewal of the political
war on Lorimer He is opposed for
the nomination by three other candi-
dates.
The Bemidji daily pioneer. [volume] (Bemidji, Minn.) 1904-1971, 1916-09-13
STATE TO GET BIG
TAX FROM HILL ESTATE

St. Paul, Mimi, Sept. 13.--Approxi-
mately $1,25O,OOO will be received by
the state of Minnesota as an inher-
itance tax from the estate of James
J. Hill, railroad financier. 1t will
be the largest in the history of the
state. Preliminary inventories of
the "empire builders" estate shows
his holdings total $40,O0O,OOO.