The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1916-02-08
HIS SLIPPERY SHOES
RETIRED MERCHANT TELLS TALE
OF DIRE DISASTER.
With New Pair of Boxes" on His
Feet He Left the Store, Feeling
Important, but Pride Had
a Downfall.

1.-THE shoemaker ought to glue a
piece of sandpaper on the sole of each
new Shoe" said the retired merchant.
81 bought a pair Of boxes for my feet
this morning, and thought I'd wear
them home to get them broke in.
stepped from the store into the street
feeling all dressed up. 1t beats all
what a difference 1t makes in a mans
self-esteem when he is wearing some
thing new. If it's only a necktie that
costs % cents, he feels chesty over it
and is satisfied that it's the finest neck
tie in the United States.
when l purchase a clean shave at
the tonsorial parlor, always feel 100
per cent more ;ignified and am not so
approachable as l was before. 1 ex-
pect certain amount of Difference on
the part of the proletariat
with those new shoes on my feet
realized that l am an important citi-
zen, and my chest was pushed for
ward, and my head tilted back Mrs.
WagOnseller and Mrs. Binnacle We're
standing in front Of the store. They
are the smoothest women in town, and
l am proud of their acquaintance. 1
stepped up with old-sehool courtesy,
lifting my hat and smiling umbra-
geously. and then those new shoes gave
me away. They just naturally slid out
from under me, with malice afore-
thought, in the county and state afore
said, and ! sat down on the concrete
pavement right between the two
women.
They are perfect ladies in every
respect, and they tried their hanged est
to look as though nothing unusual had
happened, as though their gentlemen
friends made practice of kerplunking
themselves down on the sidewalk right
at their feet.
perhaps If l had got up promptly,
and had treated the matter as a joke,
they wouldn't have been overpowered.
But the jolt 1 got when l sat down
must have unsettled my faculties, for
just sat there looking at those shoes,
trying to figure out what object they
had in handing me such deal. sup
pose / must have been a humorous
spectacle. Anyhow, after writing
around for minute, trying to keep
from laughing, Mrs. Wagonseller ut
tered a shrek, and then Mrs. Binnacle
began to gasp and gurgle like some
strong swimmer in his agony, and then
they just leaned against each other
and let go all holds and yelled with
merriment. About forty thousand
women came up to see what the fun
was, and / never felt so cheap In my
life.
II climbed to my feet, having re-
gained my reason at last, and deter
mined to make the best Of 1t, SO l ex-
planned, as brushed the dust off my
raiment, that my shoes were not
equipped with emergency brakes, and
while l was explaining the blamed
things did another tango stunt and
sat down in the same place with a
zeal worthy of better cause.
"Well, they just simply had to carry
some of those women into a rest room
and pour Ice water over them. don't
see anything so laundering funny in
a man having hand-to-hand conflict
| with his feet, but l guess 1 have no
! sense of humor.
Before l got those shoes home l
had fallen in all the popular styles.
There's no sense in making shoes with
soles like creased glass, and am go
ing to write to our congressman and
have him Introduce some sort of a
bill"
about five hundred people have told
me Of your ground-and-lofty tumbling
on the public Streets observed the ho-
tel keeper, but nobody said anything
about new shoes. They all seemed to
take it for granted that you had been
blowing your savings for hard cider"
Pittsburgh Gazette Times.