davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Penn's Grove record., 1916-01-14
Diplomatic Youth.

Him-Do you really believe that
there are microbes in kisses?
Her-I have no reason to doubt it.
Him-Well, I'm getting tired of the
same old microbes; let's exchange.
The Penn's Grove record., 1916-01-14
Please Pass the cokeI

The elevator bell l ring,
The blame car makes me frown;
I know 1t Is an uppish thing,
And l will call it down.
The Penn's Grove record., 1916-01-14
A War Relic.

This ring" said the maiden fair,
us very dear to me:
Ills a relic of a bloodless war
My first engagement. See?"
The Penn's Grove record., 1916-01-14

q s a n engineer He a once began to practice his profession in large enter
prises in Pennsylvania.
Later he took up the mining Of coal and iron ore, and still later the
construction and operation of street railways. Subsequently he entered the
steel business, and finally. in 1902, became president of the industry founded
more than a century ago by his paternal ancestors-the manufacture Of
explosives. His interests continued to expand until they included banking,
railroad companies and coal mining, and also active participation in politics.
The Penn's Grove record., 1916-01-14
A Social Favorite.

He's warmly welcomed everywhere.
A lucky dog. young Bolts.
Who is his fathers only heir
And dances all the trots.
The Penn's Grove record., 1916-01-14
Easily Pleased.

Brown-Did leave an umbrellas
here yesterday?
Barber-What kind of an umbrella .
Brown-Oh, any kind at all. I'm not
fussy.
The Penn's Grove record., 1916-01-14
A Weepy Drama.

~ ell. what do you propose to af-
fiict us WITH inquired the pessimist
manager of the Punkville op'ryhouse.
East Lynne"
Don't do it. This section has
enough rainfall. Our citizens won't
welcome any more moisture"
The Penn's Grove record., 1916-01-14
Sure.

"Scribbles says he expects to awake
some morning and find himself ia.
NOUS"
We'll, that's common enough"
Sudden fame?"
No. Expecting It."
The Penn's Grove record., 1916-01-14
Peace.

What's the matter with your eyer"
"A man l met said peace at any
price was best, and l told him he was
wrong"
"Well?"
He proved to me that he was
right"
The Penn's Grove record., 1916-01-14

George-Do you know you have your
sisters features?
Willie-Aw! You orter see her when
she amt made up. She amt got
nottin' on me.
The Penn's Grove record., 1916-01-14

tons O the public utility Kind under his management-one for each year
of his life. No matter how sick they were when Mr. Stone rot them his
efficiency treatment made them whole and strong enough to e about their
usual wor1.
His past twenty-five years have been very active because he is a con-
plants and the like
The Penn's Grove record., 1916-01-14

trusted him with command of the entire group of armies operating in the
region Of the north.
Adored by all his subordinates, General Foch has ever known how to
make his Ter appreciate the facility of his authority, which is devoid of all
the petty annoyances 81 irritating to the French soldier, who resents being
needRsly bothered about tnhes.
The Penn's Grove record., 1916-01-14
A Sure Sign.

Editor-Do you know how to run q
newspaper?
Appicant-No. sir.
Editor-Well. I'll try you. guess
you've had experience.-Puck.
The Penn's Grove record., 1916-01-14

Jawkins-That clock should be reg
ulated. l knew it was a little of, but
/ had no idea it was that slow.
The Penn's Grove record., 1916-01-14
An Insinuation.

Mrs. Jawkins-The hall clock fell
today, just after mother passed by.
Had it fallen On her she might have
been seriously injured or perhaps
killed.
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14
Around the World.

Single gardenias are seen now and
then on hat brims.
San Francisco thus far this year has
erected Is new factory buildings, val
ued at s4,150.o00.
A clock is wound up TO make It run,
but business is wound up TO stop II.
The milk of human kindness would
be much richer II II wasn't SKINNED
50 often.
Plans are under way for establish
Ing wireless telephone system In sew
eral cities In Spain and to connect
with Spanish vessels and Spanish col
onies In Africa.
Development OF the incandescent
lamp represents an Improvement of l.
075 per cent m the amount OF light OBJ
tainable from a given consumption OF
electricity.
In machine invented In England
10 test the durability OF textiles, dull
edged blades are rubbed by an electric
motor against the fabrics until they
are worn through.
Statistics gathered from colleges
throughout the country show that resi-
dents OF the United States, both men
and women, are growing taller. more
robust and stronger.
French scientists have decided that
carrier pigeons are Influenced by mag
netism and that, with the growth Of
wireless telegraphy. much less de-
pendence can be placed on them.
Medicine river, Fort sill reservation,
Oklahoma, has the most unusual cross
ing in the United States. A concrete
roadway constitutes the ford across
the river and water flows over 1t con-
tinuously.
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14
Hit or Miss.

The goodness of some people is Ok
ceedingly tiresome.
Analogy is merely method of con.
yineing without proof.
mans shoes may get tight from
taking water, but he doesn't.
If the donkey were king Of the brute
creation more men might truthfully
boast of royal blood.
One writer says that satan's fall was
probably due to his having accident
ally slipped on peal of thunder.
1t takes the wasp to make a lazy
man get a move on himself. All 1t has
to do lie back up against him and push.
The average nan does just as many
queer things when he isn't in love as
when he Is, but they are not quite SO
conspicuous.
We imagine there are a lot of halos
in heaven that won't be called for.
The man who always gets what he
wants usually makes a noise like a
bank roll. a
Horses are not partial to wild oats.
which may explain why they possess
horse sense.
Eventually a man quits wandering
around with chip on his shoulder.
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14
PATENTS & 80: 49,: g &c:
RATHER ROUGH ON T0MPKlRS
Girls Might at Least Have Chosen
Some Other Tune for Their
First Rendition.

Mr.. Tompkins is Woodworking
man at his trade as a shoemaker. By
laborlng early and late he managed
to earn enough to educate and dress
his two daughters very well.
Now, he was 50 proud of these girls
that at last he bought them a piano.
A few days after the arrival OF the
instrument friend saw him.
Hello, TOmpkinsp he said; "and
how did the piano go OFF,
Beautifully, Smith," replied the
shoemaker, "the girls were as CRATE
full as possible, and It's fine to hear
them singing and playing. But what
do you, suppose was the very first tune
they learnedT
Dunno, I'm sure" was the friends
reply.
Everybody Works but Father
said Tompkins mournfuily. - Pitts
burgh Chronicle.
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14

Lydia z. Pinkham's Vegetable Com
pound and told my husband about il. /
eald / know nothing will help me but
will try this / found myself improv-
ing from the very first bottle, and in two
weeks time wns able TO sit down and
eat q hearty breakfast with my hus-
band, which had not done for two years.
am now In the best of health and
did not have the operation. - Mrs.
JoHa A. KoENc, COZ Flushing Avenue,
Astoria, N. Y.
Every one breads the surgeons knife
and the operating table Sometimes
nothing else viii do; but many times
doctors say they are necessary when
they are not Letter after letter comes
70 the Pinkham Laboratory, telling how
operations were advised and were not
performed; OF, II performed, did no good,
but Lydia E. Pinkham's Vegetable Com
poundwaS used and good health followed
II you want advice write to
Lydia +. Pinkham Medicine Co.
Gconfidential, Lynn, Mass.
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14
Beauty Sleep Brings
A Clear, Fresh Skin

There are a few fundamental laws
In regard 10 n clear. fresh skin The
first OF these Is sleep. and. say what
you may, there is no better adage in
the English language than the old
rhyme OF Early to bed" Too little
sleep leaves its traces on the face as
clearly and definitely as IL some demon
or nightmare had written It there with
pen and Ink for all the world to read.
The eyes are heavy and dull. the
mouth sagging. faint lines appear
around the mouth and eyes, and the
skin. instead OF being fresh and pink.
10 Of a grayish hue. Not only ia there
= physical effect. but the mental result
produces irritability, nagging temper
and nervousness which 60 far to-
ward producing wrinkles and crows
feet"
IL should be remembered that one
hour of sleep before midnight IA worth
two after. Eight hours sleep 10 SUM-
cient for the average adult; those who
do brain work require moro. Let your
room be Allied with fresh. cold air
the colder the better-and see that
the bedelothing is neither too heavy
nor too light.-sperry's Magazine.
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14

make him bis heir and that he can
struggle along somehow until Uncle
Johns fortune comes to hand. Expec-
fancy gets a crashing blow when Uncle
John brings home wife himself. But
there's his wife's Aunt Sally. She
Will not play them such trick. Her
fortune will come to aid them when
they VIII be in the most need of It.
Who can account for the whims of
ancient aunts? Spinster Sally takes on
new lease of life when q wellto-do
widower commences to call upon her
and bids fair to outliye the bride and
groom and their children after them.
In her case. expectations tremble In
the balance. A woman who Is not q
man-hater can usually be induced TO
wed under the right auspices.
Those who wed in the expectation
of getting support from outside sources
more often than not are forced to sup
sorrow with the spoon OF grief" as an
old philosopher has tersely sized up
the situation and expressed himself
thereupon. Rich old fathers-in-law may
become bankrupt or, II widowers, wed
again, which is quite as heavy blow
to an expectant son-in.law. Aunts and
uncles have hobbies and pet charities.
Brothers and sisters prove that they
are only interested In looking out for
No. 1.
There's only one way to succeed and
that is to roll up ones sleeves and hoe
his own row-paddle his own canoe
vigorously against the tide and. az T..
Il. has knowingly phrased 1t. Trust
to Providence, but at the same time
depend on yourself"
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14
Reminder of Famous Jester.

In Braunschweig, quaint old Ger
man town, is pointed out the build
ing-still used as bakeshop-where
TIL Eulenspiegel, famous as jester
In the fourteenth century, worked as q
boy. Many who have listened to the
musical composition, It'll Eulen-
spiegel's Merry Franks" witch en-
shrines his name. have never associat-
ed this with the merry baker boy OF
Braunschweig. He is credited with
having made many little gingerbread
owls and monkeys, which he gave
away to children. The shop at No
IL Backerlint still does thriving
busIness-or did prior to war times.
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14
Silent. but Eloquent.

Otto II. Kahn, who has given his
estate In England as home for blind
soldiers, was talking about the horrors
of war.
1.-THE other day." he said, "two men
on a Hoboken pier saw huge cargo
of wooden legs being loaded on a
steamer for shipment to Europe.
"'Those wooden legs said the first
man, are mighty eloquent argu-
ment against war, are they notr
Eyes the other man agreed ;
they're what you might call stump
speeches."
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14

M y neRrt ID
filled with bitter
ness" said the fair
but tickle maid.
What you need"
rejoined the young
physician OF the
h o m o p o I b l c
school, "is q big
dose OF quinfne."
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14
BIuebirds for the Nursery.

Now the charming and symbollcal
bluebird flutters In still another place
so many alighting spots has the
bluebird found within the past twelve
monthsl He skins joyously over the
brushes and mirrors of the children's
toilet table these days and very charm
Ing are the white ivory-hnish belong
lngs with decoration of bluebirds In
various sizes.
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14
Collars Remain Low.

In any well-thought-out scheme OF
dress the collar Is of paramount i'm
portance. Last year 1t rose to UMPIRE
cedented eminence. threatening even
to hide the face of the wearer from
the gaze OF an admiring world. But
there are limits even to fashion. and
this year compromise has been ar
rived at. While 1t points an upward
way at the back and at either side,
the collar remains open in front, the
intervening space across the neck be-
Ing frequently bridged by couple OF
narrow bands of silk or velvet fas-
tened by fancy studs. A novelty In
neckwear is the stole-end collar. Made
of tulle or ribbon. or chiffon, or lace,
1t fastens close and high round the
throat and is provided with long. fiut-
tering ends reaching to the waist or
below 1t.
The building OF St. Paul's cathedral.
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14
Ancient cooseberrIes.

Gooseberries canned 20 years ago
were eaten with spoons dating back
1870 years at wedding anniversary
In Fulton, NO., recently. 1t is easy
to understand how the spoons could
haye been handed down from genera
ton to generation for the period
named, but 1t Is not SO easy to couapre-
bend how the gooseberrfes got safely
through the quarter century.
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14
From Our New Dictionary.

Understanding one can always
get for nothing.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS it's bliss, and
sometimes 1t blisters.
Clove-A scent frequently used tc
disguise the breath of suspicion.
Egg-Something hen lays simply
because she can't stand 1t on end.
Compromise An agreement by
which two parties get what they
don't want.-Indianapo Star.
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14

cook on an asbestos mat and add wa
ter as needed. Half an hour before
dinner, add one-fourth of a cupful each
of carrots cut In cubes, onion in
shreds, celery In bits, and a table
spoonful Of finely minced parsley. Let
cook until the vegetables are done;
add two quarts OF lamb broth. with salt
and pepper TO season.
Add a half a cupful of ripe olives
to fricasseed chicken and note the Inn.
provement In flavor.
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14
Easy.

Il see where a firm advertises so as
sorted hotel labels for 81. You stick
them on your suitcase and pose as @
widely travelled man."
What II people ask you questions
about the places you pretend to have
visited2"
"Oh, you simply memorize the name
of the principal hotel In each city and
there is nothing more you need to
know" a. :.
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14
Hoping Against Hope.

. Your wife Is troubled with q Pc
culiar throat ailment," said the ply
sician. she must talk as little as
possible" ast
Say, doctor" queried the anxious
husband. as there any possible chance
of its becoming chronic?"
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14

smart he cannot help but succeed.
Harry knows that his salary Ia hardly
adequate to support two comfortably,
but he has sanguine hopes that dad-in-
law will come to their rescue. provid.
Ing his own father proves bit stub
born about helping out.
Another weds on the haphazard be-
lief that his rich bachelor uncle is to
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14

rs II your intention to offer your
enemy an olive branehT
I'm not sure" replied Senator Sor
ghum. "We'll try out the olive branch
proposition but wen fix the thing so
IL can be turned into an ax handle"
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14

are utterly lack
ing in Judgment
when 1t comes to
marrying. A man
meets an attrac-
tive young woman,
courts her as
many weeks as
his father gave
years to his court
ship. and of they
go to get the holy
knot tied which
admits OF no I'M
tying.
The young man
may have but a
m Q ager salary.
but the bride is
sanguine that be-
cause Harry Is so
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14

AtAAa~D
ingworse every day.
/ had chills, my head
would ache, ! was
always tired. Ieould
not walk straight
because of the pain
In mybaek and | had
pains in my stom-
ach. ] went to q
doctor and he said I
must go under an
operation, but ] did
not 60. / read In
fha pauar ahaut
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14
NaturaI Effect.

"Miss Gwendolyn has such ring
ing voice.
'''Ihat must be because she is some
thing Of a belle"
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14
COVETED BY ALL

but possessed by few-a beautiful
head of hair. II yours Is streaked with
gray, or is harsh and stiff, you can re-
store 1t to its former beauty and lus-
ter by using La Creole" Hair Dress
Ing. Price t1.0O.-Adv.
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14
To Drive Out Malaria
And Build Up The System

Take the Old Standard GROVES
TASTELESS chill TONIC. You know
what you ara taking. as the formula 70
printed on every label. showing Il Is
Quinine and Iron In tasteless form. Tho
Quinine drives out malaria. the lrou
builds up the system. 50 cents
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14

Copyright. 1860
loft expectation falls, and most oft
there
Where most 1t promises. and oft 1t
hits
Where hope Is coolest and despair
most Sits"
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14
bee Farewell STUNT.

Scribbles-Here's one of my jokes
In this patent-medicine almanac.
Dribbles-So? Then Il must have
passed the age limit
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14

Is that marble?" asked a customer,
pointing to a small bust of Kentucky's
famous statesman.
mo. sir" replied the conscien,
tious dealer that's Clay"
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14

SOAP 10 STRONGLY ALKALINE !.
and constant use will burn out the
scalp. Cleanse the scalp by shampoo
ing with La Creole" Hair Dressing.
and darken. In the natural way. those
ugly. grizzly hairs. Price. t1.00.--Adv.
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14
Dads inquiry.

Dad came to the
city TO visit his son
"a young man of
fashion and style.
whose coat was a
very elaborate one.
and 80 were his
ollar and tile.
Said he: Dad,
you plainly can see
IT is true, how well
! now prosper and
I h RI v e." Yes"
said the old man,
Il see that you do.
hack that you drive
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14

where did you get the apples?"
"A nice man gave 'em TO me-"
ibid ne give you one for me7'
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14
The Prouer Place.

"Janet's young man Is an aviator"
"Then why don't she entertain him
In the sky parlor2'
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14
III YOU ON ANY FRIEND

Suffer with Rheumatism or Neuritis, acute OF
shronic, write for my FREE BOOK on Rheuma'
slsm-Its Cause and Cure. Most wonderful book
ever written, It's absolutely FREE. Jesse A.
Case. Dent. @. W, Brocktop, Naes--AdY.
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14
WOMAN AVOIDS
OPERATION
Medicine Which Made Sur
geon's Work Unnecessary.

Astoria, N. "For two years
was feeling Ill and took all kinds Of
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14
No Wonder.

"Wow!" exclaimed the victim In the
chair. that razor pulls!"
"Scuse me, boss" said the ton
serial artist as he paused to examine
the piece of hardware, "Ah ows yoh
all q pology. Dis am de razzer All
wore T. de ball las night"
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14

It seems strange to me how many
young men and women of good sense
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14
Mothers Cook Book.
custards.

There are no more wholesome des-
serts for both the young and old than
varions custards. The flavor and man
ner OF serving may be varied so that
they seem at each appearance like
something new. Some like chocolate
favor. others are fond of caramel,
while nutmeg. cinnamon and favoring
extracts make variety of fiavors.
II a nodded custard is desired II
must be rich In eggs. II a simple
steamed or baked cup custard. two
eggs with pint Of milk gives a smooth.
nice consistency. One OF the secrets
of a smooth veivety custard Ia TO cook
IL just enough. and always over water
or the cups set In water. A coarse Gus
tard that has separated into curds and
whey Is neither attractive nor whole
some an the egg and albumen OF the
milk are both overlooked. Set the
cups into water and put into a moder-
ate oven. and when they are firm near
ly 10 the center remove. for the heat In
the custard viii usually be sufficient
TO finish cooking II. after II has been
removed II II ia not taken from the
water. Many fail I'm cooking custard
because they forget that the egg and
milk still cooks II left In the water
bath even after taking from the oven.
When making caramel It is well to re-
member that the custard needs sweet
ening besides the caramel. as brown
Ing sugar destroys some OF it's sweet
ness.
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14
Round Steak en- Case oIe.

Place two pounds OF round steak on
a board. season with salt and pepper
and pound cupful OF -four or more
into II turning on each side and using
a meat FOUNDER or the edge OF sau-
GER When the -four is all used cut
into serving sized pieces, put into the
casserole. adding just enough water to
cover the bottom. cover finely chopped
onion. place the cover over and bake
three hours. Add water occasionally.
If necessary. BY browning the meat
in little hot fat the flavor OF the
dish is changed and adds variety. The
meat VIII be tender and there will be
o delicious gravy.
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14
Lamb Broth With Barley and veee
tables.

Soak third of cupful OF barley
IN a cupful or more of water over
night; set to cook early tho next
morning. pouring over the barley and
water a quart Of boiling water; let
Metropolis weekly gazette. (Metropolis, Ill.) 1???-19??, 1916-07-14

The building of st. Pauls cathedral
London, required sc years.
Pine Bluff daily graphic., 1916-03-05
PASSENGER TRAIN
 DROPS THRU BRIDGE
Two Passengers killed and Eight In. jured When Coaches Plunge
 60 Feet.

Watertown, S. D., March five passengers were killed and eight in- jured, three seriously, when pas senger train on the South Dakota Gen. tral plunged 60 feet through bridge about 10 miles south of here The weakening of the bridge by fire is be- lieved to have been the cause Of the accident.
 F. E. Dooling of Denver. Colo, q travelling man, was pinned in the wreck and burned alive. As the flames crept neal him he begged band of rescuers to shoot him.