davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The fool-killer., 1916-12-01
Let Us Talk Il
Over

Well. dear sinner friends, this ID
The Fool Killer.
How does it set on your stomach!
II you like it, you can set more at
AeadQuarters.
The Tool-Killer ID not even Q forty
Ieventh cousin to any other paper On
aarth.
It stands in a class by itself, and
ets field is as broad as the English
sAnguage.
This paper wears NO bell, muzzis
collar Or halter.
You can put that down to start
with.
am the fellow that works at ths
kump-handle on this pungent period
lcal of thrilling thought. print only
what I write; I write only what l
think; and I think what aoggen
9lease.
7 own this entire establishment,
and Rockefeller isn't rich enough to
Buy On share Of It.
Does that sound strange?
Well, bless your soul, ana o great
zeal richer than old john.
never Travelled any to speak ct, bat
have read a great deal ana have
shunk some.
And then I started The Fool-Knl-
sr just to quiet my nerves and keep
khe OLD p<ess from geCung rusty.
From the seclasion Of these wooded
Ai1ls there will 60 forth each month
q bundle Of literary dynamite that will
shake the rotten foundations Of secie-
~ and cause the Church Of Msnnon
at least turn over in it's slssp.
The Foo1-Kfller is monthly Mue-
sard-pIaster for the blood Loils Of So
aiety, Church and State.
It is salted with wit, peppered with
sumor and seasoned with sarcasm.
:. Every line cuts like q whip, and
avery word raises . blister.
II you are fool you had better net
subscribe for The Tool-Killer. Il you
are wise you will. And 50 that settles
it.
The fool-killer., 1916-12-01
STATEMENT.

OF the ownership, management, cir
s5ulation, etc., required by the act Of
Aug "a, 1912, Of The Fool-Killer, pub
l1shsd monthly at Boomer, N. c., for
Oct, 1916.
Editor, James L. Pearson, Becmer,
Il. @.
Managing Editor, James L. Pearson,
Boomer, N. G.
5us. Mgr, James L. Pearson, Boomer,
n. G.
Publisher, James l.. Pearson Boomer,
81. G.
Sole Owner, James L. Pearson, Boom
or, N. c.
(Signed) JAMES L. PEARSON, e.
Pub. ard Owner.
Sworn to and subscribed before NE,
this the 9Th day Of October, 1915.
W. r. HUBBARD, Notary Public.
My Commission e1g1x3g~ Jan, rs,
gS1s.
The fool-killer., 1916-12-01
Booming Again!

Business in this. shebang was a
little bit dull during the past
summer and fall, but now it is on
a big boom again, and | have
good reason to believe that the
year 1917 will be the best year
this paper has ever known. Let
every reader help to make it so.
Don't let any person in your
community see any peace until
everyone's name is on The Fool
Killers subscription list.
In spite of the high price Of
print paper, this-here jolly jour-
nal of jabber-juice is going to
keep right on keepin' on. It can
stand it just as long as any of
'ean, thank you.
So let everybody keep busy
rolling in the clubs, and I'll keep
my CAB. mill oiled and try to give
you yoyt moneys worth = and
then some. -.
Is it q bargain?
Say "Yes sir'' and 60 to it.
Thank you!
The fool-killer., 1916-12-01

Please gaue careful attention to
the article about "CONFORT"
on third page apadey the picture Of
Hrs. Pearson. You can't afford
to ignore this vea.y reasonable re-
qe1est from q sick aconaoaa achose
life for mo,ey gears has been one
Tong agony of suffering. Please
send her as ma0nay COAFORI
subscriptions as y0u possibly can.
Every one acSU help toaoa1d aosaa-
ming the Prize that she Is aoorhsnag
for, and the Prize IS someth51ag
that qoSW brighten her life and
help her toqcayd getting qoell.
The fool-killer., 1916-12-01

In his relation to American
politics, the devil is like church
member | used to read about. He
joined every church he could hear
tell Of, saying that if one didn t
get him to heaven another would
The fool-killer., 1916-12-01

A masher by the name Of Wax
is said to have courted and mar
ried various and sundry wives,
and straightway left them to
court and marry others. That s
one case where Wax didn't stick.
The fool-killer., 1916-12-01

Grandmother Why, Belnie.
what y big dinner you are eating
Lor such a little boy!'' Bennie-
es, Grandma, I know I ain t
very big, but I've got an awful
thin shell.''
The fool-killer., 1916-12-01

With most Of our young sports,
it takes a six-shooter and about
gallon Of old corn juice to give
Christmas the right favor.
The fool-killer., 1916-12-01

Why all this fuss about cold
storage food? If the storage
folks can keep it on American soil
maybe we can manage to get some
Of it after awhile. Our chance at
it is at least some better than If it
was sent plum away. Change
ends with your cusser, please.
The fool-killer., 1916-12-01

And that Mexican werch, all
single-handed and alone, has done
what the whole United States
army couldn It do-she has "got
Villa.'
The fool-killer., 1916-12-01

Billy Sunday skins the Unitar-
ians when he is out Of their ter
ritory, but when he goes to Boston
he never says a word. That s the
kind Of brave feller your great
Billy is.
The fool-killer., 1916-12-01

Dog-sarn the sarn-taked luck,
whatever did become Of that mil
lion dollars somebody was going
to give me for Christmas pre-
sent? l amt seen hair ner hide
Of it yet.
The fool-killer., 1916-12-01

Wilson thinks there is no hope
Of getting us into war until we
get a bigger army and navy.
Therefore he is tearing his fried
shirt to make 'em bigger.
The fool-killer., 1916-12-01

Yes, honey, eve" are a power
full rich people. But you and l
don't belong to the 1--WE" class,
I'm Altered.
The fool-killer., 1916-12-01

Pretty soon now we will start
out to catch Villa some more. Why
don't you jine the army, Mister
Patriotic Fool?
The fool-killer., 1916-12-01

In his efforts to defend him
self against himself, poor puny
man has made considerable
nasty mess Of it.
The fool-killer., 1916-12-01

About a dozen nations already
whipped, and nary victory gained
yet. It shore does look like it s
about time to quit.
The fool-killer., 1916-12-01

Plutocracy cracks the walnut,
eats all the geody, and Aings us
the hull. Oh, oughtn't we to be
thankful for the hulls?
The fool-killer., 1916-12-01

You may "know beans' when
you see 'em, but you've got to be
purity doggon rich if you eat 'em
these days.
The fool-killer., 1916-12-01
When we Evolute Some More.

Wiggling tadpoles!
Mother Of monkeys!
And the Old Scratch climbing
a pole!
I see where another one OF
them-thar University Of Chicago
professors has broke out in a fresh
place.
The story is told by a writer in
The Rural Weekly, and the sub
stance of it is that Prof. Freder-
ick Starr has poked his head
through a crack in the high board
fence that divides the present
from the future, and has thus
been able to see what the men and
women of the future will look
like.
And gee-wilikins! If. Fred's
eyes don't fool him, the future
inhabitants Of the earth will GER
tainly be beauts. They will be
toothless, hairless and ,toeless, says
the professor. These results will
come about through the workings
of evolution, the well-known
science invented by Mr.. Darwin.
Prof. Starr goes on to prove by
the downrightness Of straight up
that the human race is gradually
tending toward a toothless and
hairless condition, and that our
toes will drop off one by one like
faulty cucumbers after a big frost.
Well, there is always two sides
to every question, and sometimes
five or six. The loss of our hair.
teeth and toes would seem bad, at
first, but when you look at it from
all sides it may not be so bad, after
all. We won't be bothered any
more with toe-itch, toothache and
head-lice, and that will help some.
In regard to eating, we can live
on thin soup for a few hundred
years, and by that time evolution
Will have done away with the
stomach entirely. Then we can
just kiss our bald-headed wives
tor breakfast, lick our lips for
dinner, and think about it for
supper. The time we now waste IL
eating can be used for work, and
but say what in the thunder
will we work for if we don It need
to eat? Clothes? Shucks, that
won't do, because evolution has
got into the fashion business and
the tendency is to less and less
clothing every year, especially
among the women. At the present
rate we will all be going naked as
peeled oysters long before ,our
teeth and toe nails depart.
Verify, it doth not yet appear
What We shall be, but if we con-
tlnue to evolute till we GET
thoroughly evoluted all over, 7
Just bet we could take a prize at
a beauty show.
The fool-killer., 1916-12-01

If poetry would I'LL the belly,
then poets would never have to go
hungry, and most everybody
would be poets. And woaldn t
that be some nice?
The fool-killer., 1916-12-01

The jingo's idea Of Peace: An
uninteresting interval between
fights.
The fool-killer., 1916-12-01

And now the mystery is, how
the world ever got along for near
ly 5000 years without "Nuxated
Iron.''
The fool-killer., 1916-12-01

The Fool-Killer has just dis
covered why Hughes got beat He
had neglected to take "Nuxated
Iron.'
The fool-killer., 1916-12-01

You can get on the good side of
most any feller by asking him
where he got such a purity shirt.
The fool-killer., 1916-12-01

We are going to get out Of
Mexico-IF so and SO. Yes, and
the devil would be q saint-IF.
The fool-killer., 1916-12-01

I have heard it said that a tur-
key dinner is pretty good eating.
[ wonder if it's a fact?
The fool-killer., 1916-12-01
PARAGRAPHS.

Now if we all just had few
thousand bales Of cotton!
The fool-killer., 1916-12-01

The snow always seems to come
when a feller's shoe has a hole in.
it.
Mountain Home Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1915-1946, 1916-12-16
METHODIST NOTES

Sunday school meets at 10 a. N,
Last Tues. eve the Sunday school
board had a meeting and elected
the following officers for the coming
year j. F. Schoenecke, Supt, G. Ii,
Hihok, Assistant Supt., Frank
Bumgarner, Secretary, ID. M. Braucht,
Assistant Secretary, Miss Carrie
Daughtery, organist, Miss Lucy
Collins, Assistant organst, Miss
Irene Hart, Treasurer, and G. IL.
Hichok, chorister. The Sunday
school record shows that good gains
have been made during the year.
The board also voted TO have Christ
mas exercises and a tree on Satur-
day evening before Christmas. Mrs.
Bruneau has charge of training the
children. Junior League meets at
$3.50 P. NJ. Miss Lillian Tye is lead.
or. Young people bible class meets
at $3.50 P. NJ. Last Sunday the
blple Class had a test on the DOCKS
OF the old testament. The test was
to spell correctly and name the
books In order besides telling how
many came under the different Div
sions of Law. History. Poetry, and
Prophecy. Five OF the class re-
ceiyed 100 per cent. Epworth League
meets at $50 p. NJ. Topic The
Conditions to Answered Prayer" Miss
Carrie Daughtery 10 leader. Preach
ing services at 1880 p. M. Theme:
'Christs Declaration OF Independence.
Miss Dayidson's solo last Sunday
evening Was greatly enjoyed by all
present.
Mountain Home Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1915-1946, 1916-12-16
CONGREGATIONAL CHURCH

Sundy forenoon, third in the
Christmas series, Divine Providence
with Us. (other subjects, God with
Us. The Kingdom OF Heaven with
Us.)
Even, 1880. Making Christmas Pres
ents; What Shall We Give?
Special music at both services.
Sunday school at 1910 noon.
Christian Endeavor at $3.50. Helen
Pascoe leader.
Prayer meeting Wednesday even
Ing 1880. Ladies Aid Thursday in
sections. They meet this week with
Mesdames, Fred Hines, Mason and
Young respectively. Choir rehearsal
Thursday evening.
Section Two will hold a candy
and cooked food sale Saturday the
23d.
The Sunday school and choir will
have Christmas Tree exercises Sat
urday evening, the 23d, at 1880. The
Angels Song, a Christmas service
from the Lorenz Co., will be present
Program next week.
Purdy Eaton and Richard Tyler
will represent the Young Mems Sun
day school class at the "Older Boys
Convention of the Y. NJ. c. A, at
Pocatello, this Friday, Saturday and
Sunday. Purdy Eaton has an ad-
dress on Christian Giving.
The Endeavor social at Edna
Boyers Friday night last week was
nicely prepared and a good time en-
loved
Mountain Home Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1915-1946, 1916-12-16
HOW TO ENJOY SUNDAY
By one who has tried 1t.


/. Stay home Saturday night ant
get acquainted with your family
Retire a little earlier than usual.
2. Get up early and help do the
necessary work OF the home. Al
honest division OF labor helps oil
the wheels of the household; but
man who sits around reading the
morning paper and letting his wife
do all the work
3. Ii possible, make your plans
TO go to the Bible school. Go tc
church. Religion and worship ART
necessary to fuugrown Life.
4. II you have a nelghbor who
does not go to church, invite hun
to go with you. Ii he taints away
at your Invitation, telephone to the
head usher of this church and he
will send an automobile for him.
s. Don't expect your wife to rush
home from church and gel you an
extra good Sunday dinner. Let the
Sunday meals demand minimum
OF labor for housekeepers.
&. Keep some inspiring book on
hand for Sunday reading. Write some
letters TO friends or to the boy or
girl away from home.
Z. Ask some one who is not
Christian to confess Jesus as Sa-
viour. How long have you been
Christian yourself without doing
this?
s. Get ali you can out OF the Sun
day church services either as
worker or a good listener and doer.
Don't crlticise the choir. You're not
such a great singer yourself.
8. Keep thanking God all day
that you are we'll enough TO work.
and good enough to keep out OF jail.
10. Close the day with song
and prayer after calling up the
preacher and telling him you plan TO
follow his advice when you 80 to
work tomorrow-From the Calendar
of the First Congregational Church,
Topeka, Kan.
Mountain Home Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1915-1946, 1916-12-16

to abide Gods time DdVtd Spares King
for overthrowing SUIT
Saul and making him his successor.
1t was because David was thus full
Of faith in God and possessed the spirit
of obedience to Him that he was called
man after God own heart--not that
he was perfect, but that the Lord $ will
was his real heart S desire, and when
ever through weakness he took differ
emit course, he promptly repented on
seeing the mistake, implored Divine
forgiveness and changed his course.
While sojourning at the cave of
Adullam, David, in fit of homesick-
ness, referred to the fine well-Water Of
bis Bethlehem home, inimating how
much he would relish it. Thereupon
three of his followers undertook the
perilous journey, unknown to David.
They were outlaws, and Bethlehem
was In the hands of the Phllistines;
yet these brave men obtained water
skin from the favored well. When
they presented 1t to David, he de
clared that the water was gotten at too
great cost to be lightly used. Then
he poured 1t upon the earth as a sac
rtflce of thanksgiving to the Lord for
the blessings they enjoyed and for the
support of such loyal associates. Sure
ly David's devotion to the Lord and
his faith were well manifested.
Training For Kingdom Work.
When David and his followers were
at Mob, Ahimelech the priest showed
him kindness. King Saul, learning of
this through a spy. slaughtered the
priests of that place and their lineage.
This brought to David one of Anime
lech's sons with tile pliestly ephod A
prophet had also joined David. All
this convinced King Saul tie more that
Gods favor was depaI from him.
Nevertheless he continued to fight
against the Divine Pr gram.
On one occas ou David and his com
pany We're oNnpy cave on the
west side of the bead Sea- when King
saul and his men entered TIE cave for
rest ami retire hwcut David and his
associates were fertilizer back in the
cave aul whcu SUITS conWv enter
ed, Dayids band 40 rcd thai &aul hn
killed that thus their tiu" export
ences mi Eht I've ended Bul David
would not consent 'iaHeaer he eur
a piece from SluFS rr.c MS n lpmuD
Mountain Home Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1915-1946, 1916-12-16

wish merry Christmas to all the
world.
My work is over. Goodbyp
Like a fash he was gone, and l was
alone,
For all of this happened to me
Once on a time in a queer litts
town
On the shore Of the Zuyder Zee.
"Who Gave Us Christmas DayT
happy, happy Christmas
Be yours today!
Oh, not the failing measure
OF fleeing earthly pleasure.
But Christmas Joy abiding,
While years are swiftly gliding.
Be yours, | pray
Through him who gave us Christmas
day
Mountain Home Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1915-1946, 1916-12-16

Many a stocking he filed to the
brim,
And numberless Christmas trees
Burst into bloom at his magical
touch.
Then all of sudden a breeze
Caught US and bore away to the
south
And afterward blew us out west,
And never till dawn peeped over the
hills
Did we stop for moments rest.
Christmas is coming" he whis-
pered to me.
"You can see his smile in the sky.
Mountain Home Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1915-1946, 1916-12-16

greatly to his cred
IL that he refused
% plunge his ma
ton into civil war,
as he would have
been abundantly
able to do. But he
remembered { ha t
the Lord, through
the Prophet Sam
uel, had anointed
him to be king; and
that 1t was for him
to abide Gods time
Mountain Home Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1915-1946, 1916-12-16

Ir1't AMI sought
their lives When
they would not
Toxic his Saul's
better nnturo was
aroused and he
W op t. sayinG q,
Thou art more
righteous chan l."
For the time the
hunting Of David
W abandoned
Nevertheless there
Mountain Home Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1915-1946, 1916-12-16
HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS

Via the Oregon Short Line.
Tickets on sale December 16, 10, 20,
I'll, %, 90, "a, 25, 80, and 81 and
January /; Liberal limits. Ask
agents fro further details. 9
Mountain Home Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1915-1946, 1916-12-16

For the little Dutch girls and
boy
Onions and saueages, wooden faced
dolls,
Cheese aid gingerbread toys,
Soldiers that marched at the word
of command,
Necklaces, bracelets and rings,
Tiny gold watches, all studded with
gems,
And hundreds of exquisite things.
Straight to America then, where I,
Perched on chimney high,
Watched him scramble and hustle
about
Between the earth and sky.
Mountain Home Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1915-1946, 1916-12-16

Mrs. Ella Latimore has been quite
sick this week, threatened with
pneumonia.
Mountain Home Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1915-1946, 1916-12-16


4 town
~ On the shore Ct the Zuvaer
Zee.
When all the oool naorla uvArs fas+
asleen.
Alone +ba n;cb+ beforo cnri,+,ros
I sat nv the olo,vino fra
Wa+cbir9 tho aor,o ., - no,. ua
fell.
Will +bo snor,., ,ho4 h;uL -,
higher
To flicker and simmer and Wink
Like q hio br;o-,t eve +;ll T bordlv
knew
What IN do or IN COW Or n +birk
ouick DC q Aoeb = ohornoa4oo fooo
But dear old Santa CLANS madame
h. booa
And waving bis bord r. mai
OOH fo1Ior ,,o f.ro ,,,s.,
cried
him
7 mounted MT daring n r++or
word
Till ua s+ool ~ 4lo ol;u,,o,,
rim
G.. ~, Us S"' o0"i
wy, D'" y 49, 49,.
Mountain Home Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1915-1946, 1916-12-16
TOUCH NOT
Nile AaOINTED"

SamNat 25,--I4aV Is.
King David's Trying Experieness-Ths
Cave of AduIam - King David's
Nephsws - Water From Bethlehem,
David Twice Spared King sauI's Life.
Lessons Of the Hour.
~LOVs vOSr enemies, do good to them that
hate you. Luke GET
M UTLAWED and hunted by King
f s%s Das1 o. %as sI'4 1so by r1
ciety, and soon found himself
at the head OF u company Of about four
hundred men, more or less armed. 1t
was a great training for his future
kingdom work. Amongst these were
three Of Dayid's nephews. One was
Joab, who became captain of the host
Abishai and Asahel were the others
who afterward became renowned.
For time David and his company
occupied the cave of Adullam. 1t Is
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1916-12-16
Catholic CHURCH.

The dedication ceremony will begin
at Q a. m. The early masses will be
said in the rectory chapel. First mass
at 6 o'clock. second mass at o'clock,
Pontiflcal mass at 10 o'clock Right
Reverend Chas. ]. O'Rellly D. D.
will officiate. He will be assisted by
Rev. Thomas Neate, S. j., of ST. An
drew's Mission, Rev. John Durgan, 6.
j.. Of Seattle. and Fathers Brown AMI
Stern Of st. Mary's. Mr.. S. ]. Lynch
will Head full choir in Loesche's S
Mass in b. Mrs. O'Melveny will pre-
side at the organ.
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1916-12-16

Christian church Sunday. Dec. II,
II a. M, The Unfolding Faith and
1880 p. m, Jesus Temptations, or
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1916-12-16

400 thoroughbred white Leghorn
pullets and seven roosters, two bar
red Rock roosters, two 500-egg Ju-
bilee incubators; one 600-egg Mandy
Lee incubator; one eight year old bay
mare weight 400 lbs. will sell all
or part at bargain prices Must be
sold at once F. c. Mckenzie, trus-
tee. Hermiston, Ore-Adv.
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1916-12-16
Furnished aptm,s. az LIlleth.

Furnished aptm's III Lilleth.
For rent-Furnished housekeeping
rooms. ia stonewall Jackson.
VIM. Goedecke auto for hire Phone
2S9M. stangier Cigar Store. Tel. AGA.
For sale-Good piano, Inquire
room IL, Schmidt Bldg, or phone SSs.
Wanted to rent, piano. Phone S44R.
/ haul your garbage and trash.
Phone 55SM. 1903 w. Railroad ST.
For rent-Furnished rooms for
gentlemen. S 7. this offRe.
For rent-Llght housekeeping
rooms Inquire GIG johnson street.
For rent-Two light housekeeping
rooms, 726 johnson street.
Call Penland Bros. van to move your
household goods. Telephone 339. Also
baggage transferring and heavy haul
ing.
d. B. Waffle auto for hire. Phone
2S4M. stand, Charles Co., Phone Z.
Lady wishes position as cook or
housekeeper on ranch. 2O3 W. Webb.
For rent-5 room furnished mod
ern home, north side Address "LeeH
East Oregonian.
For sale-About 500 tons of al
falfa hay. 1000 sacks of barley, feed
lots and managers, ready to feed beef
cattle. c. P. Bowman. Echo. ore.
Mattress making, furniture repair
ing, upholstering, called for and deliv-
cred. city or country. La Dow Bros,
219 Beauregard. Phone 227J.
For ent-Furnished room, bath
connecting, close in, 50 per week.
Address j., B. this office.
For sale-Emerson piano, used
short time but good as new. A fine
Xmas present. Can be bought very
reasonable. Baker Furniture Store.
Those crisp waffles Sunday morn
ings at the Delta made from Blyden-
STEMS Self Rising Flour.
Found-On street, monogram fob
owner may have same by identifying
and paying charges.
Wood cutters wanted to cut wood
at Meacham. Phone 178 or Address
Smythe g. Lonergan, Pendleton.
Wanted-Washington, sweeping or
house cleaning or washing to do at
home. Inquire SO4 Garden street.
For sale-Elght-room house, hot
water heat Inquire Buford Butler
l.. Del
For sale-Five room house. east
Court street Desirable location. close
to school, A genuine bargain For
particulars address R. C. Jory, Mall
pin, Orc.
Rooming house for sale. Main
street, in center of business district.
Doing good business, Inquire of PEN
land Bros.
Wanted-Girl for afternoon and
evenings. Apply lie Monroe or phone
66S.
If your chimney or furnace needs
cleaning call I. c. Snyder Phone
3S1M.
Pendleton Hair Dressing Parlors,
Pendleton Hotel building. Phone 45.
Prompt automobile taxi service,
day and night Funerals to cemetery
only S350, Phone $50. Hotel st.
George. Carney Taxi Co.
Wanted-Competent girl for gem
eral housework. Call mornings, 512
jefferson or phone 563.
Books audited, office work and
correspondence handled by hour or
day. reasonable. Phone 20SW.