The sun., 1916-12-17
he Actress-A 5000 contract with

The Actress-A $4,000 contract with
A movie magnantc $500 real money
will do-the public need never know!)
a leading man who is against beef
steak smothered In oniOn and black
how ties that wrap twice around the
collar. A marmoset like Mrs. Vernon
Castles. A portable star dressing room:
n wrinkle eradicstor that will live Nv to
its promises. a one part play sure u
stay on the Big Byway longer thar
THE Boomerang" a manager with
enough In the top floor to appreciate
talent: a chinchilla coat that would
make Gaby's look like a crude init
ton and a press agent who could lara
in the papers at least once every six
months. A world without n night
stands and a lip stick will also be &C.
ceptable.
The Manager-.A play with actor
proof parts. \ cure al for e*8gs -
ated ego and swelling ~ tho salary.
An e~xtvrminator for pests with -
credit at the barber ard the gr 4
American play tucked und + their t
arms. The equivalent o. the B''sN'
sense OF realism, the I,csfeld sense ~
pulchritude Ind III" Conan sem 90
pep" A shock absoi Der for the sw :
young thing with I've liso wto ~
dying 10 ir on TIL stage" \ h'p' !
with n "Frnc List suspend Il -
nailed on tn" goid"n gItc;-eNe' CIV
TO pay for his ticket ur STA. ont. \
deck OF big third acts for use In EN- :
gcncies. A season pass to the Poo
Grounds.
The Editor-A pack OF reporters
trained 10 flush one big scoop each per
day. A sporting squad who did not
take outside work too seriously; a cuD
reporter without an ambition to cover
theatres; a trapdoor for use with
palpitAnt press agents: a blu pencil
that will stay sharpened: the prospect
Of Q soft Job like pitching hay In Au-
gust or cracking rocks or stocking or
anything restfui.
The Country Boy--A pair Of yellow
kid shoes with bulldog toes; . euit OF
store clothes, "A fiivver painted red
with u looking glass out at the sid to
make 'er look right smart, "A steady
seat on the haircloth sofa In Perkins,
parlor: the Big Chance to come 20
the city and make good.
The Sailor-A new sweetheart for
every port and plenty OF ports to 60 .
sweethearting in.
The Crook-More boobs to fall for
the gan. Cops without brains. open
easy safes, the one big haul. a safe
getAwawy. and then the straight and
narrow.
The wife--A husband who can md
his way home nights without tho aid
Of a battle axe: the ability to drag
money from the family funds without
arising in the middle OF the night and
extracting It from a pair Of trousen:
n mother-in-law with a sense OF Jus
tice and humor. We know this In q
tough combination. Santa. but II you
could do it the fame of your accom-
plishment would ring around the
world.
The Husband-A clock that knows
when to lie; n wife without a passion
for a fur coat. Tn" privilege OF read
ing the evening paper without inter-
rIption. and Of buying "A little red
wagon. a toy fire department and a doll
buggy for under the Christmas tree.
Look n here, Santa, We might go on
tipping FOR columns, hut what does
that get us? While We are trying ia
wise you up we are running out on
ourselves, which Is all wrong. II we
ever started to spill, our ideas OF an
honest TO goodness all there from the
start Christmas the LIST would look like
n catalogue by Qucers Sobuck & co.
who list everything from a stamp to q
steam roller,
We wish 10 mention only one thina
more: II you do not curb the Christ
mas spirits Of our i%anitors. hallboys