davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington herald., 1916-12-10
Jottings from Jokers
why are YOU CRYING. little sirl?"

why are you crying, little girl?"
"Oh, sir, I was thinking suppose I
should live to be as old as grandma
she's 9Sr'
"weIl?"
Well. I'm s! i wouldn't have but
ninety more Christmases in all that
timew-Puck.
The pretty restaurant cashier had ap-
piled for holiday. Il must recuperate,' -
she said. MY beauty is beginning to
fade"
That's so?' said the proprietor. What
makes you think SOP
The men are beginning to count their
change, Chicago Herald.
Crawford-Did you always turn over a
new leaf at the beginning of the year.
Crabshaw-Oh, no. When was a kid
found that the best time to do 1t was
about two weeks before Christmas.--
SudEos A 49,
The Washington herald., 1916-12-10
PAGING THE BLESSED KNIGHT

An so be that this Blessed knight
Is to be let for fee,
Oh. prithee, have him mount and fare
Unto this far countree.
Eftsoones do have him mount and haste
Upon his milk white steed.
For never yet did far countree
His like so sorely need.
Go thou. go thou. thou little foot-page,
Go bear this goodly fee,
Go fortnight to this Blessed knight
And fetch him here to me.
Now HE thee on. thou little foot-page,
And Fate thee save and thine,
And bear the word that no otherwhere
Are the pickings one-half SO fine.
For here be two-aye, count 'em-two
Two carlish knaves who stay
Too long upon our wearied earth
And are full ripe to slay.
And one 'twould Joy me for to see
This bold knight slash and hack;
s. that sorry lout who borrows books
And never brings 'em back
And yet another would see
An stark upon the void,
An but this knight do put him there
He shall not lack for gold.
For, pardie, Of all fearsome looms,
This loon most do fear,
He's the guy who slams the receiver up
And busts the drum In your ear.
80 haste thee, haste thee, little foot-paze,
There's need Of haste, I wis,
For there must be others, a million or so,
Who could use this knight n their biz
~. D. s. in the Macon (Ga.) Daily Tsls-
gEzph
The Washington herald., 1916-12-10
The Herald's Open Forum,
DEFENDS BRYAE's STAND.
Commends Former Premier for
Espousing "Dryn Cause.

Commends Former Premfer for
Espousing 'Dryn Cause.
Editor The Washington Herald: In The
Washington Herald's open forum Of last
Sunday / noticed letter written by H.
d. Parker. attacking J. W. Bryan because
Of his adopting the cause Of prohibition.
Mr.. Parker says that Bryan's object is
to gather votes" intending to use them
for a different issue. This seems an In
suit to the intelligence OF the voters. for
the average man knows his object In
voting. SO 1t Is improbable that our coun-
try would be injured by that ''perversion'
which Mr.. Parker fears. Besies. is II nee
essary that politics and morality be en-
tirely divorced. as he implies?
It is to be inferred from Mr.. Parkers'
defense of the drinking habit that he
has not suffered on the score Of the liquor
traf1c. but he should consider the weak
er brother" Probably none dear to him
has been victimized by the demon rum.
yet it is but a step from temperate
drinking to excess. So no mature man
should recommend alcoholic drink.
The Bible condemns strong drink 80
emphatically that one needs no mere
precept" to understand the advice so
often reiterated between its covers. In
the same book that Mr.. Parker quotes,
We read twentieth chapter, FIRST verse
wine is q mocker and strong drink is
raging. who so Is deceived thereby is not
wise" And again. 'Tt Is not for kings to
drink wine, nor princes strong drink lest
they drink and forget the law, and per-
vert the judgment Of any Of the af-
fiicted." This would seem to apply to
what Mr.. Parker classes temperate drink
ing. Mr.. Parker asserts that Mr.. Bryan
has "Jesuitical" turn of mind. I know
no definition for the above adjective
Will some one define the word in Tbs
Washington Herald's Forumf
X. B. COMBS.
The Washington herald., 1916-12-10
The Postal Employees.

Perhaps no more appropriate rec
ognition of The Washington Herald's
movement for increased salaries for
government employees could be
shown than the Congressional ac-
ton Friday recommending increases
in the salaries of postoffice EN-
ploye&
At the postoffice in this city clerks
are compelled to work eight hours
day and to make up the thirty
minutes taken for lunch. In addi-
ton they are forced by the duties
required of them in the service to
devote about two hours a day. to
the study of what is known as
Schemes"
A Scheme" is a list of the post
offices in State arranged according
to counties, railroad routes and pos
tai deliveries To learn a scheme a
clerk must know every postoffce in
the State and how often, and at what
hours all mail trains arrive at each
office.
This must be learned verbatim, and
in some cases there are nearly 5000
Offices in one State. Where a clerk
is assigned to a smaller State he is
compelled to learn two and some
times three States. All study on
these schemes must be done while
the clerk is away from the office
and in no case is he given an al
lowance for the time spent in this
study.
Officials of the postoffce say that
it will take the average man two
hours a day to master a scheme and
as changes are constantly occurring
in the routes and lists of offices, he
is compelled to keep up his study.
Thus clerk who is appointed to
work eight hours day, must really
work ten hours to hold his position.
Another evil which exists in the
city postoffice is the apportionment
of holidays. When the departments
close during the summer for Satur-
day half holidays the provision does
not include the postal clerks. They
are granted half hour each day
during the summer to offset the Sat
urday half holiday, but this does not
give them the full benefit of the or
der and it frequently happens that
they are denied even this half hour
if work is heavy
The entrance salary for these po-
sitions is only $500 a year with an
annual raise of $Ioo for four years
until $1,000 is reached. At this point
the clerk stops unless he is given a
special rating.
The Washington herald., 1916-12-10
Today's Events

Address. Howard AseNutt befEe BGhHi Az
ssubH Of Washington. 81 Studio Hall. I1s Ooo-
necticut avenue. on The Covenant" SIS D. m
SerTices. under AusEfces Of Bible scoutx in POtO-
mac Hall Wisconsin aEenne and N street, thrOugh-
out weed.
Address, Mis- Jane AddamA presideut, On In
ternstionalsm." at maa meeting National womEn's
Peace Party. D. N
Presentation of Library by OOnnecticut Avenue
otizsns' Association to No. D Engine OonpAnJ.
during week.
Meeting 81 Presbyterian Church Of Covenant.
under auzpices Of Woman's Interdenoninat7onai
Missionary Union in interest Of lepeT relief in this
and other countries
Mis- LOuise Cuts Powell. B. s.. Lectures On
vibration, What Nezt Year Means 10 You" At .
O'Clock. Hotel Portland. room g.
ANUsElIENTs.
b. y. Ketth's-vsudeTille and tls .. N
Pohs-'The Woman He Married" SIS p n
Observation-Disclosures. and SIS p. m
Observation-Disclosures, and SIS D. m.
boeUs Coumba-PhotoIlAys. 20 lO3 .. n
Gsroen-PhotoplSys. to IoQ D. N.
strand-PhotoplAyE. 70 lo1O D. m.
The Washington herald., 1916-12-10
NAVAL ORDERS.
ORDERS To OFFICERS

OhDERS TO OFFICERS.
Lieut.. +. B. Freyer. to Oregon as executive
officer.
Lieut.. Il A. wollesDn, to Des Moines.
Lieut. A. 8. Faruuhar, to Naval War Collegei
Newport r. I.
Ensign R. T. Darrow to receiving ship at
Norfolk, Va.
Ensign f. D. Wagner. to DesMoipes
MOVEMENTS OF VESSELS
birmingham arrived at Boston, December O.
Buffalo arrived at La Paz. December q Connecticut
arrived at Hampton Roads. December 8; Oklahoma
arrived at Hampton Roads. December 8; Potomac
sailed for Guantanamo via Petitrroaye and Jerenie,
December 9; Sacramento arrived at Guantanamo,
December 8; Solace arrived at Hampton Roads De
cember 8; St. Louis sailed for Hlo, December Z;
Tacoma sailed for Norfolk December Q; tallahassee
arrived at Hampton Roads, December 8; Utah ar
rived at Hampton Roads. December 8; Wyoming
arrived at Hampton Roads December g.
The Washington herald., 1916-12-10

Every little while attention Is drawn tc
the way In which important social and
political problems are handled by our
friends Of the afitipodes, the Australians,
Just now their method Of dealing with
food prices becomes interesting. In Aus
tralia, We are told, and particularly in
New South Wales, only reasonable prices
and legitimate profits are permitted. Spec.
ulation In food staples Is not tolerated
There can be no storing Of eggs, butter,
pose of raising prices. There can be no
corners in food staples. The New South
Wales system Of food control is absolute.
Our country has borrowed several excel
lent systems from Australia. This plan
OF food control would seem to be worthy
Of Cleveland NPlain-D -Dsalsn,
The Washington herald., 1916-12-10
PLEA FOR PULLMAN MEN.
Says CONDUCTOR Are Underpaid,
Expenses Heavy

Editor of The Washington Herald: I
wish to call your attention to another
class of men who are underpaid The
Pullman conductors start at 81 a month
and are paid only for time working.
They have to maintain themselves while
out on runs. This amounts to from SIS
to SIS month, according to the runs.
The writer paid s246o for eating and room
rent at layover points the last month he
worked. II the public knew this con-
dition II would cause the company to
treat these men better
Former Pullman Conductor.
The Washington herald., 1916-12-10

MIR. BRAIN AND MR. HEART.
Mr.. Brain Is full of care.
Mr.. Heart Is light as air.
Mr.. Heart cries "Comeg" and SOL"
Mr.. Brain says sternly, 'rNoT'
From the mouth speaks Mr.. Brain,
Full Of wisdom, in the main
Mr.. Heart speaks from the eyes,
Oftentimes not very wise.
Yet, I've known Hearts foolishness
In a moment of distress
To be wiser than the plain
Common sense Of Mr.. Brain!
Copyright, lsl6)
The Washington herald., 1916-12-10

Many firms. It is reported, are refusing
to re-employ National Guardsmen who
were compelled TO leave their service
when the troops were ordered to the bor-
der. There Is a law forbidding dismissal
Of employees doing military service, but
unfortunately It cannot be counted upon
always to offer the protection to militia
men its sponsors intended. Men general
.Iy have to rely upon the patriotism of
their employers to get their positions
back. and 1t is not pleasant that so many
firms are wanting In this respect--Neg
'xork Globe
The Washington herald., 1916-12-10
DAvDi WHY, NO; TWAS MOSES.
w. H. France Says Cbauncey De.
pew Got Mixed ON Authorship.

w. H. France Says Chauncey De-
pew Got Mixed on Authorship.
Editor The Washington Herald: In a
recent issue there was a news item
referring to a recent speech by for
mer Senator Depew, In which he
apparently accredits King David with
saying a mans life should be "three
score and ten years" The Senator Is
evidently in error in attrIbuting this
to King David, for. in Psalm 80. en-
titled. "A Prayer OF Moses. the Man Of
God" the tenth verse reads: "The days
Of our years are three score years
and ten (not three score and ten
years), and IL by reason OF strength
they be four score years, yet Is there
strength, labour and sorrow: for IL is
soon cut on. and we fly away"
King David. as some may believe,
did not write all the Psalms, and
though an inspired writer, the ninetieth
Psalm. written by Moses. is exception
ally beautiful and Impressive BIbli-
ea1 gem. u, H ERANCR.
The Washington herald., 1916-12-10
NEUTRAL SHIP FIRED UPON,

London, Dec. "A German subnarins
fired on the Norwegian steamer caIoric,
killing two of her crew. while the vessel
was en- route from American 20 Nor
wegtan ports. according 20 a CopenhARen
dispatch today. The vessel itself ESCAPED
serious damage, the dispatch added
The Washington herald., 1916-12-10
Ions A SWEET BOY.
Five Women Readers Just Love Him
for EspousinE Votes Cause.

Editor The Washington Herald: We
have thought all along that Dopey Dams
boy Lon was very clever, but on find
ing In his last two articles that he comes
out SO enthusiastically for woman suf-
frage, we think he is Just the cleverest
little fellow in the world
We don't pretend to write. but wish
that he had added to his description of
an anti-suffragist these few words, and
made the answer read like this:
why, Lon, a anti-suffragist is a 'frail'
who don't want somethin' she amt got, -
and is Cat enough to try to prevent those
who do want II from getting It.
The undersigned are the female section
of our boarding house, and we wouldn I
dare to presume to write what the great
Bulwarks think.
Give our best to Lon, and tell him he's
a great little boy. Five for the cause.
z. H. B.
A. L O..
f. NJ. NJ.
NJ. L II.
Mrs. L N.
The Washington herald., 1916-12-10

Out in Kansas City the postmaster
is much exercised because patrons OF
the postoffce daily walk upon the
mosaic United States coat-of-arms
in the main entrance to the building
He has suggested that the insignia
be enclosed. That postmaster prob
ably would make a popular Secre-
tary Of State.
The Washington herald., 1916-12-10

The kind-hearted Baltimore wom-
en- who are planning a cemetery for
pet dogs and cats apparently have
not thought of the necessity for
cemeteries over in Belgium and
Rumania.
The Washington herald., 1916-12-10

1t has been suggested that the
poems written by DR.. Henry Van
Dyke caused his resignation as Min
lister to Holland. If they are any
thing like some poems we have read
in New York newspapers resigna-
ton is too gentle a word to apply
to his diplomatic demise.
The Washington herald., 1916-12-10

We propose a medal for the acme
of modesty and suggest it be pre-
sented to the New York man ac-
cused of eloping with a neighbors
wife, and who declared in court that
he was kidnapped"
The Washington herald., 1916-12-10

Germans are rated as the second
best citizens in the United States by
a professor in the College of the City
of New York. His name, by the
way, is Woolstoh.
The Washington herald., 1916-12-10

From Miami, Fla, comes a report
that a native son has discovered a
new and cheap substitute for gasoline.
1t is said the principal ingredient is
alcohol. Such being the case we
predict it will have a big patronage
in those prohibition States down that
Way.
The Washington herald., 1916-12-10

After the town of Colfax, La, has
placed the ban on all theatrical pro-
ductions in which women appear, it
might be pertinent to ask what Is
the nearest town to Colfax.
The Washington herald., 1916-12-10

The prize for optimism should go
to the couple, aged IS and 81 who
took out a marriage license in New
York the other day.
The Washington herald., 1916-12-10

Socialism should have a great boom In
Germany after the war. II the govern
ment exercises the right to determine
what work and how much every person
in Germany shall do, taking him from
what he freely selects and making him
perform other work considered by the
government more for the general welfare,
the people are apt to say that when the
war is over the government shall see that
every worker has Q job.-St. Louis Star.
The Washington herald., 1916-12-10
A LINE o. CHEER
EACH DAY O. THE YEAR.

Fiuse printing q an original poem. written daily
for NE Washington Herald
BY John Kendrick Bangs.
The Washington herald., 1916-12-10
1875 AER0PLANEs LOST

Berlin (via Sayville wireless), Dec. g.
Ninety-four allied seroplanes and thirty
one German machines were lost on all
fronts during November, the war once
reported today
The Washington herald., 1916-12-10

The "Hippopotamus" is the latest
drink to be offered convivial New
Workers. That surely is gnu one.
The Washington herald., 1916-12-10
CHARITY AND THE POLICEMAN.
Reader Comments on Arrest Of Man
who Accepted Generosity.

On OF IN
who Accepted Generosity.
Editor The Washington Herald: Re.
Gently an article appeared in one Of the
issues Of this paper which told of the
arrest Of q poor blind man. Why was
he arrested? Simply because a lady out
OF kindness dropped a few pennies into
his cup but did not take one Of the
pencils he was selling. Do you not think
the lady would rather have kept heI
change had she known such a course
would be followedr
No doubt the officer who arrested hin
has kind and benevolent heart and
would willingly drop a penny or two into
the Salvation Army pot or the Day Nur.
sery bottles. without any compensa ton
It may have been his duty to arrest the
man. but surely It is a poor duty.
wonder II he, or many OF us understand
what charity really is?
A READER
The Washington herald., 1916-12-10

The New York jurist who put his
official o. K. upon kissing must be
either very young or getting along"
in years.
The Washington herald., 1916-12-10

I If the war is not soon ended there
won't be many heroes left to worship.
New-York tribune., 1916-06-02
STRAIGHTAMERlCAN CRAFTSMANSHIP
The Country Should Defeat Wilson and
Get Away from His Brand.

To the Editor of The Tribune.
Sir: As a constant reader Of The Tribune,
greatly admrng its courageous and discern
ing stand for real American leadership, per
nit mo also TO 60 on record not only as
lifelong Republican Whose first vote was
cast for Benjamin Harrison, while still n
college UNDERGRADUATE. but also as an Amcri
can citizen whose forebears, from the Ameri-
can Revolution down, have been represented
in every war for the maintenance of our ma
tional honor and integrity
With you | believe that at this critical
period in our national history Theodore
Roosevelt is the one man and statesman who,
above all others, is best fitted for the Presi-
dency of tho United States and who, if nomi-
mated, will be elected by no uncertain major
ity on November next, thereby effectually
serving notice at home and abroad that we. the
nation founded by Washington. preserved by
Lincoln, and honored and respected the wide
world over during the administrations Of Nc
Kinley Roosevelt and Taft, are still band
of patriots and in fact, government in some
thing besides an empty name. This we are
notwithstanding the repeated humliations 10
which for many weary months past we have
been subjected by peace-at- t-any-price, word
juggling and inconsequent Wilson The OF the
handsome passion who advertises that he is
"too proud to fght"), who appears to have
expended his chief energy in promoting his
own party denomination, and therefore in
endeavoring TO harmonic such elements
thereof as are represented by Kitchin. Daniels,
Hay and others conspcuously from the region
Of copperheadism (apparently "left-overs"
from the Buchanan ,school), and in trying TO
keep his schoolmasthr's thumb on that politi-
cal marplot WindD Jlammer) Bryan, who
seems just now to be in fact "a man without
a country certainly so politically.
We have now had enough OF the doctri-
nare, or Wilson, brand of craftsmanship;
let's get back TO the straight American kind
so we'll represented by Theodore Roosevelt.
ERWIN LINCOLN HOCKRIDGE.
Utica, y. Y, May 80, 1916.
New-York tribune., 1916-06-02
Time fcr Show Of Hands.
Iitor of The Tribune.

To the Editor of The Tribune.
Sir: r. was practically as evident four
years ago az now that Colonel Roosevelt was
then as now tho undoubtcd choice OF strong
majority Of tho Republicans for the Presi-
dency.
Those then in possession Of the party ma
chincry, blinded BY their intense antagonism
to him, dared the temper of the rank and ile
Of the party in preventing his nomination The
party remained true to the man Of its choice
though the party name was wrested from if,
but enough fol lowed tho purloncd name TO
bring about the disastrous administration that
has resulted.
Those who ventured on such a course as
was practised az Chicago IN 1912 should have
known better The voters OF the Republican
PARTY cannot large majority Of them be
held TO false al egiance to mere party label
misapplied, by unauthorized or unfair means.
But the same forces are i'm control Of the
party machinery still II is by no means Ger
tain that they have learned to use better sense
than before. There is the gravest danger that
they will still try the stale old dark horse
trick trying to get him by, saddled with a
Roosevelt platform
This is a time when the best possible plat
form will not alone suffice. IL is the man on
the platform that really means something
And this time the people know that the man
is available
II they will yield gracefully, rs they still
may. and there be an enthusiastic, unopposed
nomination by accamation, what getting
together and wiping out OF old scores Will
result. Just imagine what a thrill of renewed
hope and oldtime Americanism would be felt
throughout the country!
The already defeated bosses will do this
when "a brick house falls on them" so 70
speak. The Tribune did notable public ser
vice in coming out as it did for Roosevelt
some weeks ago. Now it can add gentle
hint Of the kind above suggested. Run upon
your editorial page in bold type:
I'VE believe that majority or the voters
Of this country intend to support Theodore
Roosevelt for the Presidency this campaign,
by whatsoever method nominated"
j. ". GREGORY.
Newark, y. j. May 81. 1916.
New-York tribune., 1916-06-02
A Chance to Help.

Being a neutral is about the most unin-
teresting occupation in the world, as any
American citizen can testify. The desire
somehow to lend hand in the European
struggle has possessed most of US not con-
stitutionally neuter. Knitting mufflers and
subscribing to this fund and that fund
have constituted about the most exciting
forms Of warfare thus far permitted us,
Going to the Allied Bazaar, which opens
at the Grand Central Palace next Satur-
day evening, is not exactly participating in
the combat, but it promises to offer a great
many more thrills than knitting. For one
thing the French government exhibit Of
soixante-quinzes and other guns fresh
from action will have a tragic touch Of
grim authenticity. The array should do
as much as words to paint the picture of
Verdun-and the unending stream Of pain
and suffering and need that flows there
from.
There is to be no compulsion on the
visitor. You can tea or dance or buy as
you will-anything, from portrait by one
or dozen Of the best known American ar.
lists to trip around the world Every
cent that is spent at the bazaar will 90
without diminution to some form Of Allied
relief work
New-York tribune., 1916-06-02

why Mr.. Balfour has said such things IN
public" 1t is, in truth, difficult ques-
ton. As Mr.. Balfour has himself pointed
out, raid of the kind undertaken on
April % was "never safe operation
The Germans knew this very well, and IN
undertaking it they certainly had some
definite object in view, and were well
aware that they were running a consid-
cradle risk. 1t would be madness to sup
pose that a mere threat, such as that con-
tanned in the letter to the two Mayors
would frighten the enemy away from the
English coast; and, on the other hana'
supposing the defences to be adequate ana
effective, why give him warning Of his
impending destruction? II by any chance
the Germans should succeed in repeating
feat which the whole history of naval
warfare has shown to be possible even
against a power in command Of the sea-
thew will have as good cause to laugh at
Mr.. Balfour as at his predecessor on the
famous occasion of his warning to rats