Omaha daily bee., 1916-06-11
BY RING w. LARDNER.

| TdTke DTOWH mat WOTkS Oh tHC lIiu-
une come in from the telephone
booth out to the Coliseum and says he
just had a message for me from the
boss and the boss wanted to know
why didn't | come and write some
thing. Meaning that my stuff didn't
make no difference when tits written,
because | don't know nothing and let
the reporters that do know something
stay there and get the news, but |
got to leave the Coliseum Just when
the most interesting thing of the day
is being pulled off, to wit the demon
stration for a guy named Roosevelt
that nobody wants for president ex-
cept the people. The reason this was
the most interesting thing of the day
was because it was what they call
spontaneous and not no bought and
paid for demonstration like they give
for the rest OF the candidates that no.
body heard Of and probably won't
never hear about them again.
| Must Have Rings Dope.
So had to leave the Coliseum and
come down town and go without sup
per so as the paper would have some
thing to run about the convention
when il went to press even if my stuff
is worthless and hasn't no bearing on
the subject.
But being brought up to obey those
in authority, am doing like | was
told with smile and trying not to
be mad to be called away in the pinch.
| got in yesterday Just as Mr..
Harding was calling out the rolls Of
the states for nominations. The first
state was Alabama and they says they
did not have no candidates and from
what seen of Alabama believe
them. Then come Alaska and they
says they did not have none either be-
cause ali the gold diggers was down
town. So then come Arizona and the
chairman got up and said he didn't
have no candidate and would yield
Arizona to New York, but one OF the
degradation protested and says that
one OF the delegates that answered
to his name was not there, but had
left for Arizona last night and he
must OF been sucker. Well, anyway
the delegates name who had been
called our and who got up and says
Il" was Wright and when Mr.. Hard
ing asst him il he left for Arizona last
night. He says he had.
We'll, then" says Mr.. Harding,
you amt right, are your
Wrong Mr.. Wright.
NO" says the wrong Mr.. Wright,
"Mr Wright has went home"
We'll, we'll" says Mr.. Harding,
and who gave you the wright to
speak for Fight.
We'll, we'll" says the wrong Mr..
Wright, Mr.. Right gave his badge be-
fore he started home"
The general opinion amongst the
convention was that this here substi-
tute had won the badge from Mr..
Right in runmy game, but anyway
1t didn't seem to make no difference
and New York got the floor. Doc
Nicholas Murray Butler of the Butler
Bros, then got up, but Mr.. Harding
says, Governor Whitman has the
floor" so Governor Whitman got up
and the Doc set down. The governor
kept his candidates name secret till
the finish, and nobody knowed for a
long while il he was boosting Gyp-
the-Blood or John McGraw, but fin
Tally he come right out and says he
was talking about, Charley Hughes,
and then come the first demonstra-
ton. 1t lasted twenty-one minutes by
an lngersoll and was fully as enthus-
iastic as Philadelphia American
league base ball crow.
Girl Leads Roofing.
Then Doc Butler give us the name
Of Eli Root, and girl named Myrtle
in Section s. of the gallery led the
roofing. She was a strong argument
against equal suffrage. The demon
stration for Eli would have lasted two
or three minutes, only this girl, and
she kept it going ten minutes longer
because everybody loves a good So
prano.
The next speaker was Governor
Willis from Ohio, and it developed
that he was plugging for Burton, but
not the Burton that writes our auto
mobile junk. Mr.. Governor Willis's
speech was grand speech, only after
he promised US he was going to close
up, he forgot the name Of the guy he
was up there to nominate and had to
keep stalling along a couple of extra
hours, till the prompter put him wise.
Governor Willis's talk was a MASTER
piece and none OF us had heard moth
ing like it since we left high school.
Probably you can get copies OF 1t from
the Associated Press. The only thing
can recall from memory is, Il am
not here to pluck the fragrant flowers
Of eloquence," maybe you can imagine
the rest OF it from that. The beauty
OF the governors piece was that he
kept US mystified. He mentioned Nc
Kinley and Garfield and Lincoln and
Blaine so many times that we thought
sure he was going to nominate one
Of them four. He sprung Burton as
big surprise as soon as he remem-
bered his name.
The demonstration was something
grand
Have Heart.
Oh, yes, another thing he says was
that the republican nominee amongst
other qualification, must have a heart,
and everybody in the press stand was
so impressed they repeated the words
after him, Have heart"
He recited poetry, too, think Sam
Kiser wrote it.
After Governor Willis's speech sew
eral of us felt overcome and went out
to smoke.
Where you goingf" asst a police
man.
| Out to smoke" says |.