davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1916-04-29

whereas how in time could we
mentchion it when we diddent
know notl1ink about it until Sim
told us ?-& on top of all that Our
hens amt laying as well as they ort
to say nothink of 1 rooster who is
turrible droopy & amt crowd for a
wk & probly has some incurable
ailment inciooding other trubbels &
calamitties too numerus to ment-
chion.
If the above amt enuff to make
person go off somewheres & set
down in sackcloth & ashes then
wed like to know what is. There
is days when we feel like shuttin
up shop, THROWN away the key to
the Bugle offs & jurnpin in Snake
Crick-if the water wassent so
blamed cold being as were kind of
sniffiy as it is and might ketch
more cold.
In other words there is times
when we git sick & tired of writing
deep & lernd Bugle eddytoriuls for
a passel of ignorunt subscribers
who amt got as menny brains as
Mcclure commonly gives to a
goose & cant understand EN- when
they read EN-.
We persoom the great ma jority
of our subscribers diddent know
what a optynust was until we ex-
plaind as per above & that they
don't know what a pessynlust is
neither so we'll haft to go & ex-
plain that also:
A pessytnust is Jest the opposite
& vice verse of a optytnust. A pes
symust is a Teller who don't see no
good in nottink & allus looks on
the dark side of everything, that's
what a pessyrnust is. If things is
bad a pessynust thinks they're a
going to git worse.
In conclooshion we beside to
state emfaticallv that were a pessy-
must at the present writing & we
don't care who knows it.
P. S.-ANSE SMILEY JEST
DROPT IN AND PAID US SIS
ON BACK SUBSCRIPSHION
WHICH WE. DIDDENT
NEVER EXPECKT TO GIT A
CENT OF & WE. MIGHT ADD
THAT THIS Amt STITCH A
SAD VALE OF TEARS TO
LIVE IN AFTER ALL.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1916-04-29
EDDYTORIUL OF LAMEN-
FASHION

AS E,dditor of the Bingville
Bugle we have allus tride to look
on the brite side of things even
when there wassent no brite side to
look at. A person who can d,
that is cald optymust. In other
words a optymust is Teller who
allus makes the best of evrything
6 is thankful it amt no worse. If
he falls and breaks his leg he re-
ioices that he diddent break his
fool neck. If he amt got cent in
his wallet he is also thankful that
he amt got the tifoid fever A
optyrnust is allus cheerful & in a
good humer no matter what hap
pens. He is the person who can
allus see the silver linin to the
cloud. If it rains by the tubful the
optymust says to hisself, "Well,
by grachious, I'm glad it amt
rainin pitchforks, and besides the
sun is shinin' somewhere and line
thankful for that" That's whot a
optyrnust is and that's what we be
as a rule, and yet sometimes there
comes a day now & then when we
git discurridged & down in the
mouth feelin that life amt worth
livin-and as we take our pen in
hand to dash off this eddytotiui
this is one of them days.
Its purity hard to be a optymust
& smile and boiler with mirth and
slap your Teller man on the back
6, keep cheerful espeshially if you
have bilyus spell like we have had
for the past wk to say nothing of
suffering very acute from fnan-
chia1 stringency (and our sub
scribers OWN us enuff to make us
rich beyond the fondest dreams of
avyrice if they would only pay up a
small porshion of what they owe
and being told by Hen Weathersby,
prop of our general store that he
cant give us emmy further credit on
groceries, tobacko and the other
necessities of life until we pay up
what we alreddy owe and us
nothink to pay with & our wife
cleanin house which is all tore up
from top to bottom until we aint
got no place to lay our head as you
might say and her in bad humer
and short and sharp with us 8
meels behint time & news for the
Bugg1e skeercern hens teeth &
Sim Sloconb comm in yesterday
and ordering us to stop his paper
becuz we diddent mentchion emmy
think in these columns about his
wife having a sowing bee last wk
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1916-04-29
Country CORRESPONDENTS
HAPPY VALLEY

1t rained here last wk. whereas we
diddent need rair-what we needed was
jest the opposite being as rain has been
OVERRIDING itself in our midst lately.
AS result it looks as if this was a
going to be very wet spring in this
seckshion.
Benjamin Gibbs of here showed your
correspondent bushel of last fall ap-
pels in his celler in a good state of
preservation, but we don't know how
they tasted being as Benz. diddent offer
us none but Jest let us look at EN-.
Benz. is very tite with his appels- Who
can beat this for old appels?
Hiram Skillings cald on his best girl
over Sorrow Hollow way last Saturday
evg. and somebuddy turnd loose the
horse Hiram rode over so he had to
walk back home 9 miles, arriving Sun
day morning purity mad to find his
horse standin at the stable door
Eph Foster while takin down his par
Ter stove tother day had the stovepipe
to fall spilling SCOT all over the parler
carpet Eph's wife who was present
hit Eph clout over the head with the
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1916-04-29

Mrs. Bale Hawkins started in to
clean house the fst of the wk and told
Bale he'd haft to help her. After
Bale had mooved out furnichure and
beet carpets for two hours or SO until
his back was neerly broke he TUX sick
suddintly and had to go to bed. Bale
remained indisposed until Thursday
when his wife finished her c1ear1in, then
he peard to git better and is as spry
as ever.
Lige Green TUX off his heavy under
wear that warm day we had last wk.
and before night he was sneezin his
head off and ketchd a turrible cold in
his chest which may be the deth of
him yit although he is better at this
writing. After he had lletclSd the cold
Lige got back into his wool underwear
agin quick as possibil, but it was too
late-the damage had been did How
ever, Lige says he call<ilates he'll
wear his heavy woolens all summer
Mrs. Wat Osgood who has been a
visiting Mrs. Cy Hoskins for a wk has
returned to her home in Hardscrabble
and Mrs. Cy says she's glad of it be-
ing as Mrs. Wat found falt with
everything she had to etc on the table
and yet ct moren her & Cy both put
together ernyhoW.
Jason Tucker chief of the Bingville
Fire Dept. says he'll be awful glad
when Bingville folks gifts through
burnin up their old spring rubbish
with the sparks FLYNN everywheres and
liable to start hollycaust emmy minnit
and burn the hull blamed town to the
ground. Jase is right-let us be keer-
full about our sparks.
II TO-
tin a new subscriber for the Bugie last
wk. when Ernie Romans from over
Pea Ridge paid the Bugle offs pleas
ant call and said he would subscribe
for the Buggle in a minnit if he had
the money and felt he could afford to.
Of course this is encouraging Ernie,
but a leetle cash would be more so.
These is all the personals we can
think of at this writing.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1916-04-29
Helth Board Notifide

When Yves Woodruff our expert
hunter & trapper sold off his furs
which he trapped during the past win
ter about six wks. ago he diddent sell
three polecat pelts which was lett
nailed up aginst his woodshed.
Nobuddy hereabouts paid any par
ticker attenshion to these three pelts
until the wether begin to warm up and
the pelts thawd out as you might say
& begin to emit stitch strong aroma
that folks who past by Wesses place
was almost knockt down in their tracks
& got to takin tother side of Main st.
and holdin their noses until they got
past.
Miss Amelia Tucker our raining sos
siety queen come past Wesses tother
day and when she got Whit OF them
pelts she like to of past away. Amelia
was awful disguised & said it was a
disgrace to Bingville. Next day Amelia
cald the attenshion of the Bingville
Board of Helth to the matter whereas
that wassent necessary being as nobud
dy within five miles of Bingville when
the wind is right needs to have their
attenshion cald to them pelts.
The B. of H. amt did nothink about
it yet. When Yves heerd that Amelia
had complained to the B. of H. he said
that he calkilated that the fragrance
which them three pelts exoods amt no
worsen the perfoomery which Amelia
doses herself with.
AS for Yves he don't mind the oder
from the pelts as mulch as the rest of
us being as we persoom Wesses olfack-
tory nerves is sort of callussed to it
or parrylized as you might say
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1916-04-29
SNAKE BEND

Zachary Wilkins has been raising the
timbers for a new barn for the past
wk. Jim Hall is helping Jack on the
job. If lack and Jim had few gals.
of hard cider we persoom the timbers
would go UP faster than what they
have
Alb Wood who has a few maple trees
on his place boiled down sap enuff to
make nine gals. of maple syrup. Then
Alb turned round and sold 20 gals. to
various folks hereabouts so you can
draw your own conc1ooshions as to
whether it's so thick it won't skeercely
pour outen the cans.
Sam Henderson run outen his house
tother night jest after dark to chase a
strange dog outen his garden & before
he realized what he was a doing Sam
run right through his hotbed breaking
IL lights of glass and smashing a lot
of tender plants in the hotbed The
dog excaped.
Mrs. Rufe Snyder (who was Miss
Matilda Hunt before she married Rufe
who is her third) don't git along emmy
too well with her husband according
to reports of the nabers who says they
fife like cats & dogs. Even so Matilda
gifts along as well with her third as she
did with her first and second who amt
dead but would ruther be praps than
try to live with her agin.
Bige Tucker had calf last week to
die on him. This was quite unexpeckt-
ed to Bige who call6iiated to raise the
calf for veal. SCRIBBLER.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1916-04-29
Bill in Disgrase Agin

Last Sunday morning about a. m.
most everybuddy in Bingville was
woked up by ribald singing in our
midst ard jumpt outen bed and run &
raised the winders to see who it was
if possible
1t was Bill Hepburn, our artistick
blacksmith arriving home from the co.
seat considerable under the weather
from old Demon Rum Bill was settin
on the springwagon seat as the horse
puld him up through town at a walk
the lines draggin on the ground &
singin "Old Hundred" at the top of his
voice.
Deacon But.erworth who is a stunch
piller Of me Bingville church was tur-
rible shocked at Bills ackshions being
as it seemd sackrilijus for Bill to ackt
like that speshially on the Sabbath so
the Deacon holferd at Bill and told him
he ort to be ashamed of hisself and
to drive on home as soon as posi-
bill
Bill went to look tip at the Deacon
who was at the upstairs winder and
fell backward often the seat into the
wagon bed and diddent stop until he
had rolled out behind and lit in the
road on his head and shoulders with a
dull sikkening thud.
Soon as Bill got on his feet he
seemd to think it was the Deacon's faIt
cause he had fell outen the wagon and
he pickt TIP a stone and throwd it at
the Deacon jest missing his head by a
few inches and breakin a light outen
the winder. The Deacon ducked inside,
slamd down the winder & said moth
ink more to Bill who can throw turri-
bic straight even when he is under the
inflooence.
The horse had went on to Bills stable
SO Bill follerd staggerin along not sing
in but usin langwidge of stitch a mach
ure that most folks who was lissening
closed down their winders SO as not
to hear it
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1916-04-29
Lokal Breefs

Hank Dewberry says he is a suffer
ing turrible from spring fever. Hanks
spring fever ushually lasts all summer
& pervents him from doing a lick of
work
Abe Witherow whilst milking tother
evg. had his ole COW Spot who is
probly awkwarden emmy COW in Bing-
vile to step on his foot nearly smash
ing two toes. Abe was so mad that he
grabbed up the milkpail which was
half full and throwd the milk right
into the cows Ease before he realized
what fool thing he had did. Well,
Abe, there amt no use cryin over split
milk.
Ad Stringer is awful misable to his
stammick this spring. Ad has been
takin some medisin Doc Livermore
give him and thinks he's worse if en-
nythink
Anne Hillyer, our legal lite, Notary
Publick & J. of the P has bunch on
his nose about as big as wart which
Anne says makes him nervus being as
he either alius looks cross-eyed at it
or else fergits about it and tries to
brush it off for a fly
Miss Sally Hoskins our poet writer
tells us that she is at present engaged
in writing pome on Love" For sew
eral wks past Luke Simpson from
down Snake Bend way has been keep
ing company with Miss Sally and we
persoom this fackt has inspired her to
write on the subjeckt to Love" We
trust Sally will give us this pome to
publish in the Bugle.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1916-04-29

stove poker & like to of stove his
head in for him.
Hame Wilson throwd door prop
at couple of cats who was ftin on
top of his front fence tother evg. about
dusk missing the cats and hitting ST.
mon Whittleby a crack in the ribs by
mistake. Slime jerked off his coat and
dared Hame to come out into the road
and fife, but Hame locked the door and
retired, being as it was about his bed
time ennyhow.
NOW AND THEN.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1916-04-29
Why Don't You
Go to Law
& Git
Satisfackshion?

Don't let your naber impose on you
Hire me for your lawyer and lie see
that you git your rights. if you don't
look out for your own interests, who
will? Why, | will lie garryntee to
git you satisfackshion at a reasonable
price. If folks realized what a great
thing law is, there would be more
lawsuits betwixt nabers in Bingville.
Suppose you have dispoot with your
naber about boundry line, OF some
think. In that case come to me &
lie advise you to bring suit aginst
him, then you'll know whoze right YOU
or him, which will be a turrible big
satisfackshion to you & worth menny
times what lie charge you for finding
out
! also get divorces for people who
don't want to live together becuz they
are sick & tired of each other & probly
fife like cats & dogs. Don't fte like
cats & dogs-come to me- Praps
there is incompattybilitty of temper be-
twixt you Praps your wife assaults
you. I don't care what the reason is |
can git you a divorce even if you amt
got no reason. If folks in this town
only l1nowd how cheep divorces is they
would be more popular amongst hus-
bands & wifes. If you happen to
know of ennyone who you think ort to
have a divorce I will take it kindly if
you will let me know & | will do all !
can to egg EN- on to git one from each
other. being as it's my bizness to see
that the majesty of the law is upheld.
I am also J. of the P, Notary Pub
lick, ct cettery too numerous to ment-
chion. | write wills, transfer property
< in fackt do everythink in the law
bizness you can think Of Give me a
trial.
AMMO HEHHNED
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1916-04-29
Personal Mentchion

Miss Phronicia Watkins apeard at
church last Sunday in a white lawn
dress and afore the morning services
was over it blowd up cold and as a
result Phronicia nearly froze to deth
before she got home. It's leetle mite
early for lawn dresses as yet.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1916-12-16
Leaves of the Poison wv,

No doubt just picture Of poison
ivy is enough to cause some folks m
shudder and remember the time thel,
face and body became scarlet and
swollen from contact with the leaves
How 1t itched and burned! Yet to ub
1t was only to make matters worse
A curious fact is that some persons
are immune from this poison, whils
others must not even breathe the Dol.
len of the plant. 1t Is often confound.
ed with the Virginia creeper, althougb
the difference between this is distinct
The leaves Of the latter are divided
into FIVE leaflets, while those of the
former have but three, a fact well
worth remembering.
Strange enough, the witch hazel plant
Is sometimes found growing close to
the poison ivy. As witch hazel extract
Is one Of the best remedies for ivy
poisoning it would seem nature was
holding out disease I'm one hand and 4
remedy in another.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1916-12-16
Heat at the Persian Gulf,

The Persian gulf and its coasts an
In summer about the hottest place On
earth's surface, a temperature Of 10
degrees In the shade being not IN.
common, while a black bulb solar ther
mometer has registered 1S7 degrees IN
the sun.
When one remembers that the hot
test room In a Turkish bath is usually
kept at about 16O degrees the appalling
nature of this Persian heat will be
better realized.
The greatest heat ever known in
England was on Aug. IS, 1898, when
shade temperature of % degrees was
registered. But on this day the sun
temperature did not quite equal that
Of July %, 1885. when 162 degrees
f. was registered in the sun.
When you consider facts like these
1t Is difficult to believe that our planet
receives only one twO-thOuSandmil.
lionth part of the rays flung out by the
sun.-London Telegraph.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1916-12-16
Odd Titles of NEWSPAPERS.

In Columbus, says the Dispatch. there
Is a man whose chief joy is in cOllec-
ton of newspaper titles.
There are Headlights. Flashlights
Bees, Eagles, Owls, Mirrors and News
Letters, but when 1t comes to Derricks
Meddlers, Telescopes, Flags and sun
beams the class is limited. In Hot
Springs there is published the Arkan
sas Thomas Cat, and other titles just
as unusual are the Sledge Hammer
the Irrepressible. the Silent Worker
and Gall.
Frequently it is possible to tell from
the title of a newspaper the state Id
which 1t is published. For instance
the Chieftain is in Oklahoma. the kus-
tier and the Lariat are in Texas, big
Hole Breezes In Montana and Ine
Roundup in Wyoming.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1916-12-16
Attractive Automobiles.

$50 you are in the market TOT ~
automobile?"
YES" answered the man who hAe'
to attract attention.
ANY particular makeT" -,
mo; / merely want one that W"
make people turn round and stare "
me when I pass"
"Oh, you don't need a speciai w
for that Get the ordinary car ~.
exceed the speed limit. "-Birmins"A-
Age-Herald.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1916-12-16
A Friendly Tip.

Sapleigh-Would you-er-advise me
to-er-marry beautiful girl or a SEN
sible girl? Hammersley-Tm afraid
you'll never be able to marry either.
old man. Sapleigh-Why not? Ham,
mersley-Well, beautiful girl could
do better and a sensible girl would
know better.-Exchange.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1916-12-16

Two men were once talking over
their respective sons careers at col
lege, and one remarked:
well. / sometimes feel like saying.
as did Aaron i'll the wilderness. Be
hold, poured in the gold and there
came out this calf. New York Amer
lean.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1916-12-16
Prudent Man.

Had any luck in the stock market
lately?"
1.-The best ever"
"How much did you clean up2"
"Not cent / listened to a still
small voice and stayed out Birming.
ham Age Herald.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1916-12-16
Young, but Wise.

"But mamma thinks l am too young
to marry"
"Why should she think that? You're
much older than she was when she got
married, aren't your"
Eyes, but father was drawing much
larger salary at the time than you're
getting" Herald.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1916-12-16
oisiilusionsd.

did your husband used to write you
poetry before you were marriedy
"No. but he used to write me what
We both thought wsA postry."-Hous-
teA Pest.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1916-12-16
And No Wondar.

$50 the always separately"
Last week"
"What was the troubler'
Mr.. always first wife wrote him q
long birthday letter every year. and
think 1t finally got on the second Mrs.
always nerves."-Savannah Press.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1916-12-16
Ontimism.

Wife-John, you'll have to take that
ball away from baby. He hit sister
on the head with It John-Yes, dear,
but you should have seen the curve the
little cuss had on it-Puck.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1916-12-16
CAREFUL Hubby.

Does your husband subscribe 10
theory that kissing transmits germs
mo; he thinks that germs are mO
" transmitted by money and =
careful not to hand me any.
City Journal.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1916-12-16
Distances Lend. enehantmsnt.

She-Do you think 1t will be all right
for US after we are married to settle a
couple Of squares away from my fami-
lyf Hell was going to say a couple
Of states.-New York Times.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1916-12-16

True glory consists In 20 living a. to
make the world happier and better for
eur iivinE.-Pliny.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1916-12-16
wood~., H.,.., Obsolete

Woodmsn Grow obsolssA .,,,.
A steam operated saving Az
fells more trees In an eight nOOi -.
than thirty woodmen. Il Wo'S VOTES
to the ground and leaves DO -,
standing.-Popular Science A''
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1916-12-16
OFFICIAL PUBLICATION

Annual statement Of the Germania Fire
Insurance Company of New York, In the
State of New York, on the 31st day Of
December, 1915, made to the Insurance
Superintendent of the State OF illinois,
pursuant to law.
CAPITAL.
Amount of capital stock paid
up In cash. .............$ 1000, 900 90
INCOME.
Premiums received during the
year .................. 3,193, 32O.s4
Interest, rents and dividends 331. 164.47
Profit on sale or maturity Of
ledger assets ......... 70S.63
From all other sources. ..... 52S.33
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1916-12-16
OFFICIAL PUBLICATION

Annual statement of the German Amer
lean Insurance Company of New York, in
the State of New York, on the 31st day of
December, 1915. made to the Insurance Su-
perintendent of the State of Illinois, pur-
suant to law.
CAPITAL.
Amount of capital stock paid
up in cash. ..............$ 1000. 600 90
INCOME.
Premiums received during the
year ................. 9,O37, sol 81
Interests. rents and dividends 1,122, 1O3.S9
Profit on sale or maturity of
ledger assets .. 4,13T72
From all other sources. .... 1885 90
To+oI ;noo,,o IN ooO
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1916-12-16
JUST In Time

Juss On Time -
Plaintiffs Lawyer-I rest ~ m
Defendants Ditto-You ousnt
pretty weak.-New York Am~
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1916-12-16

Total ueamed premiums. -. s.o3e, 1872 %
etc. .................. 157,117.93
Commissions and brokerage. IA, 461 .4S
Other liabilities .......... 10, 144.57
Total Liabilities. $40. 14e, s41 .3s
BUSINESS IN ILLINOIS.
Total risks taken during the
ycdE 200, <tOy<OO.OO
Total premiums during the
year GU, 4t.1O
Total losses incurred during
the year ................ 343,552.4s
WILLIAM n. KREMER,
President.
EDWIN N. CRAGIN,
Secretary.
Subscribed and sworn to before me this
25th day of January, 1916.
]. HOMER REED,
GSEALl Notary Public.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1916-12-16
OFFICIAL PUBLICATION

annual statement Of the Girard Fire and
Marine Insurance Company of PhiIadelphia.
In the State of Pennsylvania. on the 3Ist
day or December, 1915, made to the In
surance Superintendent of the State of I'LL
nois, pursuant to law
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1916-12-16
OFFICIAL PUBLICATION

Annual statement of the German Alliance
Insurance Company of New York, in the
State of New York. on the 31st day of
December. 1915. made to the Insurance
Superintendent of the State of Illinois, pur-
suant to law.