davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1916-12-08
The Penalty.

Senator Fall was talking in New
York about the Mexican situation.
.This imbroglio." he said, disgust
eddy, aIluding to an earlier phase,
4s'was due to absent-mindedne Well,
Observation-Disclosures in affairs Of state
gets punished as sharply as in affairs
of love.
II once knew an absent-lninded dry
goods clerk who was in love with a
spirited girl. He took her hand one
night and droned:
"Dear, dear little hand! I wonder
II wonderland then his absent
mindedness got its work in, and he
said:
81 wonder if it will wash?'
'"The girl gave a sudden start.
mo, George she Missed, it won't
wash, and I may as well tell you, too,
that it won't cook, or sweep, or darn
socks, either. Good evening -
Washington Star.
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1916-12-08

would arrive in his Office at eight tif-
teen only often enough, Birsky, soon
er or later on his account the conduc-
tor would got to go from car to car
asking is there a doctor on the train"
''Well, if everybody felt the way you
do about living in the country, Zapp,"
Birsky said, ''whO would buy suburban
real estate?'' 4.
Nobody" Zapp replied.
''But you admit that there's whole
lot of people living in the suburbs,
Zapp,'' Birsky said, and Zapp nodded.
'"Then there must be some adyap-
tage in it, Birsky insisted.
''Well," Zapp admitted, there's one
thing that fellers which lives in the
suburbs has got more than fellers
which lives in the city,"
whats that?" Birsky asked.
mileage" Zapp concluded.
Copyright, New York Tribune)
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1916-12-08

seen my first months gas Oisi oct IN
Brunswick Beach, and after that all
had to do when | jumped into cold
bath was to think how many cubic
feet I was saving, and if it was six
below zero even I got pleasant glow
all over. Later on it got to be such
habit with me to take cold plunges,
Birsky, that the second summer We
was there when they had that bad
water famine on Long Island, used
bottled water as long as | could get
the spring water companies to send
me trial samples. For over month
there we done the weeks washing
with artificial vichy and my wife hid
to get rid of the wash lady because
for every siphon she put in the tubs
she drank one herself"
'You were lucky it was only yichy,
Zappr" Birsky said. cit might have
been ginger ale or root beer, in which
case she would Of took it home to the
children"
ssJoke if you want to, Birsky'' zapp
retorted. "But what I am telling YOU
now is facts from living in the coun-
try"
'sRats. zappl' Blrsky said. :''You
could have shortage of water in the
city just SO much as in the country.
Just because you didn't like Bruins
wick Beach amt nothing against it.
Simon Kuhney has been living now in
Brunswick Beach for six years, yum
derstand, and he says if he leaves his
house at seven o'clock he is in his Of
fee at eight fifteen"
"Sure I know" Zapp said, ''but If a
Teller which leaves his home in
Brunswick Beach at seven o'clock
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1916-12-08

"But paikes really and truly paid
twelve thousand for the house." Bir-
sky declared.
s"rhen how could he expect to get
rid of it for 81, 5OO?" Zapp demand
ed. ssIf you would read the Sunday
papers, Birsky. you would know that
the standard amount below cost which
they advertise country houses to sell
for is $4,000. In fact, often figured
it out, Birsky, that as everybody is
willing to sell his 12-room house with
baths, tsun parlor and every mod
ern Improvement for $1,000 below
cost. if such house originally cost
$25, 900 and changes hands six times,
lyunderstand, the last owner gets it
for nothing with bonus of $4,000
thrown in. And even then he is well
come to the house for all of me-
"That's because you don't know
what it is like to live in the country,
Zapp,' Birsky said.
ST think I've got a pretty good idee, y
Zapp retorted. cts something like
being southern salesman for line OF
goods where you've got to make a
different town each day. The dis
lance you travel is the same, the rail-
road accommodations amt no better,
but instead Of getting every night a
rotten dinner and good game of
pinochIe afterwards at dollar-and-a-
half day hotels, American plan, you
go home and get a good dinner and
no game of pinochle at all from one
years end to the other. Yes. Birsky,
it's very unjust the way the world
looks at things. For instance, once
in five years Mr.. Roosevelt makes a
trip of about 10000 miles, y'under-
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1916-12-08
All He Saw of Battle.

The bluejacket had been in the bat
tie off Jutland, and in the railway COM
partment every one addressed him re-
spectfully. Incidentally he was the
recipient Of numerous fine cigars. He
conducted himself with becoming dig
nifty, and when the foreign-looking gen.
tleman who had kept silent went out
at roadside station the audience set
tied down to hear the yarn. Nodding
his head toward the dark stranger on
the platform, the bluejacket remarked
with a grin, 'E thinks e as lost some
think ed like to hear, e as. But hall
Hi saw Of the bloody battle was coal
nothing but coal. Him stoker, you
see, that's what Hi am" London Mail.
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1916-12-08
The Child at Table.

The table is the ideal place for FAM
ily interchange of thought, and the
children who are old enough to come
to the table should be encouraged to
take part in the conversation. One
good result of this is that it helps to
keep the child from eating too fast.
However, the children's chatter, in
many homes, is most annoying when
guests are present. In one home it
was made the rule that the children
might take part in the conversation
when guests were present, provided
the children could contribute some
thing of interest concerning the sub
ject under discussion. This taught the
children to listen carefully to what was
being said. This, in itself, is of I'M
told advantage to the child, for, in
a, home where people with bright ideas
concerning all the questions of the
day gather around the table, the gen.
eral conversation is of great educa-
tional value to the child. The child
cannot fail to become a good con-
versationalist with this early train
ing.
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1916-12-08
cut Trees by Exploding Dynamite.

Instead of an AK and saw to remove
the tops of trees that are to be used
as masts in logging operations, dyna-
mite is used to shoot off the tops.
After the branches have been removed,
a rigger climbs the tree, with set of
irons, to the point where it is neces-
sary to cut off the top. Here the trunk
is usually about II inches in diane
ter. The rigger ties a string Of dyna-
mite cartridges, fastened end to end
like sausages, around the trunk at this
point, inserts a blasting gap with about
20 feet of fuse in one Of these sticks,
lights the end of the fuse, and de.
sends before the explosion takes
place. The tree top pumps into the
air with the explosion and the trunk
is left ready for attaching the rigging
for dragging in and loading the logs.
Engineering Record.
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1916-12-08
<r RUN across Max Palkes Jester
- day afternoon Louis Birsky

|1r RUN across Max Paikes Jester
- day afternoon" Louis Birsky
the real estater said one morn
ing "He was telling me that you
spent Sunday with him at his place
IN Sand Plains"
HE amt lying to you," Barnett
Xapp the waist manufacturer admit
ted.
"What kind of property has he got
up there?" Birsky> asked.
He's got all the conveniences of a
Teller living in a $50 a month cold
water fiat, without janitor service, be-
fore steam heat was invented, except
that he amt so handy to a dictates
sen store The bread run out at lunch
time, Birsky, and for supper we had
to eat Fig Newtons with dried her.
ring and luncheon ,bolony, as Mrs.
Pailses didn't know the neighbors
gooA enough to borrow loaf from
thefN on account of only living up
theirs three years.
"Kut amt the air elegant up in
Westchester County?" Birsky insisted.
"Say!p Zapp exclaimed, "after a
Teller escapes with his life from the
subway at 42nd Street, y'understand,
and travels up to Sand Plains every
night in combination baggage and
smoker along with five or six dozen
decent, respectable, Woodworking Ital-
lener ash cart drivers, understand me,
when he, arrives in the country,
Birsky, the air must got to be elegant,
otherwise it wouldn't be too much to
expect there is waiting for him a
couple of soda water tanks full of
oxygen like they give it to pneumonia
patients with rating of A to G, credit
high
''What are you talking nonsense,
Zapp?" Birsky said. Il bet you wasn't
on the train half an hour. Sand
Plains is one of the most convenient
suburbs to get to-
"Sure I know" Zapp said, "but
Paikes don't live in the suburbs, Bir-
sky. He lives in the suburbs of the
suburbs, and he says to me on the
train that from the station to his
house is only twenty minutes Dy troll
ley, but he practically never takes it
as his oitermobile is waiting for him
at the station practically every night,
and gets him to his home in ten min
utes. Well, after we got out of the
trolley, Birsky, we walked another ten
blocks, and at last we reached the
house. If ever you go up to Sand
Plains to see Paikes, and the oitermO-
bile should practically not be at the
station, Birsky, you couldn't miss
Paikes's house. Keep to the right
after you cross the tracks and it's
the 956th white colonial house with
green blinds and For Sale sign on
IT,
SIS Paikes's house for sale?' BirsRy
asked.
"Sure it is,* Zapp replied. what
do you think-Paikes is such a close
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1916-12-08

stand, and when he comes back, yum
derstand, a dozen magazines is fall
ing over themselves that Mr.. ROOse-
welt should accept five thousand dol
these here ten thousand miles he trav-
eled; he writes a book about it, Bir-
ysky. and gets paid at the rate OF
dollar al mile, or $4,000, for it; he
gives a lecture about it in Carnegie
hall and six people sends letters to the
papers and complains of the man In
the box Office because he says all right
Ale's liar then, when he told them
two hours after the advance sale
opened that the entire house was
sold out and they said he was liar.
The Explorers Union Local No. 1
gives a dinner to him-nOt the box
office man but Mr.. Roosevelt, and he
makes an after dinner speech Copy
right T. Roosevelt, 1916) about it and
realizes another $500 or so, and
that's the way it goes. But you take
Max Paikes which in five years trav4
els $4,000 miles to Mr.. Roosevelt's TO-
600, Birsky, and what is it? Nobody
asks him to write about it; nobody
wants him to talk about it, and If
somebody blows him on account of it
to a rye bread tongue sandwich and a
package OF all-tobacco cigarettes it
would be big already,
Evidently you seem to think that
it's hardship that Teller should
live in the country Birsky, said.
ss'Did you ever think what it means to
a business man that he should be able
to raise his own vegetables"
sSure 1 did, Zapp replied. 1T
means that he is going to eat princi-
pally radishes for the whole summer
because that's the only vegetable
which business man who raises his
own vegetables could really rely upon.
Furthermore you think am a green
horn in the country, Birsky, but al
ready done my twenty odd thousand
miles in round trip instruments OF
A miles a day on the Long Island
Railroad, and I know the whole game
of living in the country right the way
through, from getting stuck with the
lots downwards. I used to own a
house at Brunswick Beach and when
I let it go to the second mortgage a
year and a half after it was built,
understand, it had cracks in the
walls on the second floor which it
you'd put couple of windows and
door in 'em could of been considered
as extra masters bedrooms"
tSteam heat will do that to new
house, Zapp," Birsky said. Maybe
you kept the place too warm.
'sToo warm!" Zapp exclaimed.
ssListen, Birsky, the heating plant of
that house wasn't designed for moth
ing bigger than five dollar year
safe deposit box. With the furnace
going full on, Birsky, whenever my
wife opened the refrigerator door, Bir-
sky, it raised the temperature Of the
kitchen ten degrees. The plumbing
was nothing extra neither. We had
q gas heater for the hot water, Bir-
sky, which, figuring at the rate of
81 80 per thousand cubic feet, if you
| took six hot, baths it was the equiva-
! lent of a suit of clothes. For years in
! New York l tried to bring myself to
| take a cold plunge in the morning
but I couldn't stand the shock till ]
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1916-12-08

Buried"
friend of mine that he asks me up for
pleasure?"
''For why does he want to sell?'
Birsky inquired.
HE says before lunch that his wife
takes dislike to the place on account
In summer the smell of the flowers
reminds her of the cemetery where
her Uncle Jake's first wife is buried,
and for that reason he would take
S12.25O for the house. After lunch
he also said that his hay fever was
something terrible up there and he
might be willing on that account to
call it an even twelve thousand. After
supper he says if it wouldn't be that
his father-in-law is getting pretty
feeble and might go off at any mo-
ment, corner OF S9th Street and Mad
ison Avenue, y'understand, he wouldn't
take a penny less than $11 400 for the
house, and just before / got on the
train to come home he says how much
would / give for the house"
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1916-12-08

U10LE L1lS eXpSUU1IUE0 Oh nAOACy Al c1<>Gs
tons may seem to be less necessary
than the immediate enactment OF the
other measures to which refer; be-
cause at least two years will elapse
before another election in which fed
eral offices are to be filed; but it would
greatly relieve the public mind If this
important matter were dealt with
while the circumstances and the dan
gers to the public morals of the pres
ent method of obtaining and spending
campaign funds stand clear under re-
cent observation and the methods OF
expenditure can be frankly studied in
the light of present experience; and a
delay would have the further very Sc.
rious disadvantage of postponing ac-
ton until another election was at hand
and some special object connected with
it might be thought to be in the mind
of those who urged it. Action can be
taken now with facts for guidance and
without suspicion of partisan purpose
/ shall not argue at length the desirs
ability of giving freer hand in the
matter Of combined and concerted eff
fort to those who shall undertake the
essential enterprise Of building up our
export trade That enterprise will
presently, will Immediately assume,
has indeed already assumed, a magni-
tude unprecedented in our experience.
We have not the necessary instrumen-
talities for it's prosecution; it is
deemed to be doubtful whether they
could be created upon an adequate
scale under our present laws. We
should clear away all legal obstacles
and create basis of undoubted law
for it which will give freedom without
permitting unregulated license. The
thing must be done now, because the
opportunity is here and may escape US
If we hesitate or delay.
Porto Rico's Needs.
The argument for the proposed
amendments Of the organic law Of Por-
to Rico is brief and conclusive. The
present laws governing the island and
regulating the rights and privileges Of
it's people are not just. We have Gre
ated expectations of extended privi-
lege which we have not satisfied.
There is uneasiness among. the people
of the island and even suspicious
doubt with regard to our intentions
concerning them which the adoption OF
the pending measure would happily re-
move We do not doubt what we wish
to do in any essential particular. We
ought to do it at once.
There are other matters already adj
vanced to the stage Of conference be-
tween the two houses of which It is
not necessary that I should speak.
Some practicable basis Of agreement
concerning them will no doubt be found
and action taken upon them.
Inasmuch as this is, gentlemen, prob
ably the last occasion shall have to
address the Sixty-fourth congress, /
ghope that you will permit me to say
with what genuine pleasure and salts
faction have co-operated with you in
the many measures Of constructive poll
icy with which you have enriched the
legislative annals Of the country. 1t
has been q privilege to labor in such
company. I take the liberty OF con-
graduating you upon the completion OF
record of rare serviceableness and
distinction.
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1916-12-08
Not to Be Thought OF.

''Now, these fashionable DANES don't
mind talking freely about the efforts
they make to reduce weight"
THAT'S true"
"But they would feel deeply humili-
ated if anybody suspected them of try
ing to reduce expenses"
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1916-12-08
Few Reqaars in Panama.

Although the city of Panama is a
most cosmopolitan place, practically
every race being represented in it's Co.
900 inhabitants. there are ne begsars.
Except Q few blind men,
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1916-12-08
Most Fishermen Have pone 1t.

Simple Simon went a-fshing in his
mothers pail" "Not so simple, at
that" declared the amateur sportsman.
I've spent time and money getting
to a place where the likelihood of
catching fish was no whit greater"
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1916-12-08
Remain the Same.

Progress is observable in most di-
rections, but we have the same cheap,
vulgar and disgusting old forms Of
profanity that the English-speaking
peoples always have had.-Houston
Post.
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1916-12-08
Unusual Experience.

man." remarked Sandy, Il did a
thing last NIGHT what I've no dune this
twenty year. / went to ma bed pairr-
fectly sober, but I'm RIGHT thankful TO
say got up this mornin' none the
waur!"
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1916-12-08
Nothino New.

Il see some scientific sharp has dis
covered substitute for bread" He
needn't think he's so much. Our cook
has been turning that out for
years"
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1916-12-08
A Certainty.

There is nothing certain In the
world, except that when you start in
saving money for one thing you are
going to spend it for something else
Fort Worth Star-Telegrsm
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1916-12-08
Unsatisfactory Remedy,

Heiny-A doctor tells me that II a
man works steadily he, never worries.
Omar-Pshaw! It's working stead
lily that gets my goat.
Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1916-12-08
shockino Affair.

Police Magistrate What is th@priS
oner charged with, officer?
Oficer-Electricity, y6ul honor.
Police Magistrate-How's that?
Gtficer--He stole a battery,
The Butler weekly times., 1916-11-30
Sea SERPENT in Baltic Sea.

80 Major @. Smith, an officer of The
Swedish army. describes III Mature a
sea serpent which lie saw on JuLe II
last in the Baltic sea. near Stockholm
"At 2::225 p. H." he writes, 1--WE sudden
ly saw IL Elovrll.ent of the wafer like
the ripple Of wave less than "W
feet from US. The sea was callI ;i,id
there. was no boat or anything else
that could cause such a movement.
Looking more artentively, all of us
slw very diStinctly-a n head like thai Of
an enormous Srrpci.t. larger than hat
of Il man. slightly elongated. surl'i+,a:4t-
ing sprpentihe body a! out - f"et
long. The creature was ul.lU':.'ii
making at least ten distinct curves.
and large part of its r,strrinr region
was above the water. We watched this
strange creature fer Eiurt 1!.;,it :. min
ute swimming AT Il spec,. III ;hr',i tw..
kEOtS. !.ave seen many jri,hin>.,p'i
whales and know their ,vt,urIt>.
Those If this sea serpent were ''ry
different"
The Butler weekly times., 1916-11-30
Four u. S. Sailors Killed.

San Francisco. Nov. 2o.--Foun
United States sailors met death
here today and half score were
injured when launch, carrying
thirty-fivc men of the supply ship
Glaciers crew, was swept under
the paddle blades Of the stern
wheel river steamer. Apache.
The accident occurred IA block
south of the ferry building well
known to tourists. The Glacier
lay at man-o' wars anchorage,
still further south. and the launch,
going to and from shore had to
cross the path Of the big Sacra-
mrnto River stern wheelrrs, which
arrive and depart early in the
day
The launch. in charge of Boat
swain f. c. Nigg. put out from
the ship and almost Immediately
the tide caught it and swept it
against erhr stern Of the river
steamer.
The Butler weekly times., 1916-11-30

''Matla:n." said the wihi-ey,.i IAN.
II cannot tune this plane. / ...>e
done all that seemed to bc required I
aEi un expert ut my profession III I
cannot get harmony out of This ii>;rI-
ment. 1t is a most inexplicahic c"rrli-
tion Of affairs. I am. at Il loss It in-
agine-"
1t Is not SO strange -cpi ~ the
lady, who had an unusually hich lore
head. "FOrty-six different n.:it,ri :
are used In the construction cf lh, IA
strument. which sixteen ,liffrrrn; cr'ul
tries are called on to supply. And Il
is scarcely to be expected that they
could get along together In harmony"
Kansas City Star.
The Butler weekly times., 1916-11-30
PROPOSING WITH A SPLASH
To Break Jar Over. Girls Head Is
Avowal of Love Among
Tarascans.

The land of the Tarascans lies due
west of the City of Mexico, and here
he natives retain many of their prac-
tices which were well established when
TIE Spaniards first la!.ded at Vera
Cruz. Here is the accepted -me!hod
of -cOurtShip, for example:
The lover goes tc the spring where
the object of his affections is accus'
toEied to fill her water jar. lie holds
her shawl until she accepts him and
then, with stick, he breaks the jar
which she holds on her head and gives
her a betrothal baptism of water.
According to Prescott, the Taras.
cans has: Noah, called T,eZpi, whn
escaped from Il great flood in q hoat
laden with animals. I!,stead CT Il dove,
Trezpi seEt out vulture first and
then Il hummingbird, according t. the
legend.
The Taruscans. once possessed the
secret of telnperlEg copper, an art
now lost to the world.-National Geo.
graphic Magazine.
The Butler weekly times., 1916-11-30
Oonkeys Are Haiti's Food Trains.

Nearly al the produce fer the ,r,'i-
Ing Of the population of Port an friH"",
Haiti, Il city Of some GO,NU Ir"pic. is
brought in on the backs of do ,A'> :.
The public squares are conver,ri 10
open-air, market places. and here he
buying and selling goes on fr,li early
morning until four or six o'cleA IN
the afternoon. when the carav:,> ',r-
gin their Journey homeward. Situ#'rd
i'm II region famous for its i...-' .~i.
among them the delectablc .tnd - j.
full red snapper" the il;fi,i:;.~ at
quantities of salt cod imported ;''ir
Massachusetts waters. And ~" qt.n-
tity Of this imported staple j. ~ h
rs would not find favor III -An.'r. IL
markets.