davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-09-30
Il. ouARREL OVERLOOKED

New York Correspondent Cincinnau
Times-Star.
In a Broadway hotel, which Is Wen
known as the abiding place OF those ac-
tors who can afford to pay Its eNcep-
tionally high rates, there was SCENE
the other night which some western visl-
tors considered highly edifying. Super
ficially, the atmosphere of the place 10
one of artistic refinement and luxurious
elegance The head waiter shunts you
to secluded alcove of the main oiihiis
room If you are not in evening DRESS at
dinner. and the rule about evening oress
for dancers is so strict that lazy III q
Paris toilette which included ha''
though the dress was decollete, was re-
Gently required to leave the dancing Iloor
and remove the hat. No attendant ever
speaks above whisper, the lights are
shaded to the exactly proper degree OF
artistic dimness. and any stranger show
ing the slightest sign of ordinary ruoe
intoxication Is quietly but quickly hustled
TO the street. Yet a well known come
dian, who has achieved notoriety by his
numerous martial ventures, and his latest
wife stood in the lobby of the hotel the
other night and showered foul and shock
ing abuse on each other, raising their
voices so that they could be heard all
over the place. Their quarrel went on
for 10 minutes. Guests and attendants
who heard the awful row, recognizing
the principals, turned away and pre-
/ tended not to hear. Had the man and
his wife been strangers they would have
been rushed to the street, if not TO the
police station
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-09-30
LUKE MLUKE SAYS

OF course, it is hard to cali woman
a liar. But when she tells you that her
husband gives her $50 spending money
per week, you know that she means 80
cents.
The earth was created for man. AnS
every fellow you meet seems to imagine
that he is the man.
When the neighbor women come in to
have a look at the new baby, the single
ones gush over how pretty it is, but the
married ones are more conservative and
merely admit that it has a fine head
Millions and millions of people do not
know who your grandfather was. And
about that many of them do not care a
darn.
| Now that the bathing sea son is over
| the fool killer will get little rest on
Sundays. The authorities will continue
! to put in their Mondays Identifying the
joy riders at the Morgue. but they won t
have to put in their Mondays dragging
rivers and lakes for bodies.
We can't see why the censors waste
! time fussing over these sex fillums that
are enacted by pop-eyed males and ade-
| noid-faced females. AS far as we are
concerned they are more to be pitied
than censored.
| After a year or two in high school a
| princess begins to wonder whatever pos
| SeSSeO ner mother WneI Sne married an
uncouth and uncultured person who eats
| with his knife and doesn't know that a
| saucer is placed under a cup for orna-
mental purposes only.
She may not know it. But the wife
who imagines that she must comb her
| hair straight back and wad it in little
| knot on the back of her head just be-
cause she has a baby is merely increas-
ing her husbands interest in girls who
have fluffy hair
One reason why there will always be
trouble in this world Is because half oil
the inhabitants wear trousers and the
ether half wear skirts.
When a married man finds that HI
can't support both his wife and his auto
mobile. he discovers that he simply CAM
get along without the automobile.
The more extravagant a wife is, the
more she nags because her husband ism
more economical.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-09-30
THE LATEST COCKTAIL

New York Correspondence Pittsburg Dis
patch.
The proprietor of we'll known cafe
has been experimenting for several days
trying to evolve a punch of rare distinc-
ton. Gallons of varied connections had
been sacrificed on the altar Of mix
ology and he had about given UP in de-
spair when" Eureka "a perfect blend
was evolved, and its perfection was re-
Elected in the incidents following it's adj
vent in the cafe and his name is Joe
Deavey. A huge silver bowl was placed
upon the bar, silver ladle therein, and
all patrons were invited to help them
selves. They did. Soon the weak began
to get strong and the slow began to
move fast, and it's not astonishing, for
the perfect blend is wonder. Here are
it's manifold qualities: Two sips call for
a third" Three sips call for a straight
jacket -Four sips-curtain." The name
by which the perfect blend is to be Off
claly known has not been determined
upon as yet but Joe Deavey has made
the most likely suggestion. Says Joe:
Call it the X o Kocktail."
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-09-30

Bad news for the President. Inez Mil
holland Boissevain, who says she pro-
posed to her husband. will stump the II
suffrage states for Hughes It is con-
coded that the fair Inez has a taking
way
General Tribe, it seems, first had the
happy thought of cutting off the ears OF
captured Carranza soldiers. Now that
he is himself prisoner, a firing squad
should attend to the general.
=
such words as grip Clutch"
claw" Sin" and evil seem to be
popular in the titles of photoplays.
Maybe that's one reason why screen
vampires work overtime
As no two accounts of "Pancho" VII
las personal appearance agree these
days, newspapers desiring to publish his
likeness should use a composite picture.
4 =
The labor leaders seem to have over
played their hand in New York. There
is such thing as sandbagging the long
suffering public once too often.
y 4 Il
Why should subway motormen strike
when they are making from S to SO
day? No wonder they lent an indiffer-
ent ear to labor agitators
That Illinois city which furnished
Great Britain with her newest engine of
war probably doesn't object now to being
called a tank" town
Won't the Thomas F. Timmins feel
lonesome when the Bremen arrives and
another tug gets all the glory of towing
her into port?
The Alabama State Fair will show 10
visitors some pumpkins and perhaps a
few dancing girls who are some pun
kins"
The man who hasn't paid his street
tax quakes in his boots every time hs
gets within hailing distance of a police
man.
II the Mann act had been framed for
the convenience of blackmailers, it could
hardly have suited their purposes better.
Give Petrograd q little more time and
1t will report the capture of every leu
ton on the face of the earth
X
The habit of stealing Fords seems
easy to acquire and hard to break
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-09-30
sTRoLLED IN HER PAIAMAs

From the New York Evening Sun.
things in the police school and a lot
more things after he received a sterling
silver shield and a stick, but one of the
things not included in that experience
was how to awaken a pretty sleep walker
without soaring her.
AS he was walking home from the po-
lice station at o'clock in the morning
fucker saw coming down the street to-
ward him a pretty blond woman who
vas clad in pajamas and wearing d
dainty boudoir cap. She was barefooted.
The policeman approached and walked
along beside her. but his presence didn t
alarm her a bit, and he soon discovered
she was fast asleep.
lie knew it would brighten the woman
to come to and find herself out on the
street at night, so he took off his coat
and wrapped it about her, thinking the
warmth would make her wake up slowly.
Then he found it made her sleep all the
sounder and was compelled to take her
to the police station, where he turned
her over to the matron.
When she had been aroused she gave
her name as Mrs. Mildred Hogan, 20
six blocks from her home. Her father
was summoned. He came in a taxcab
with some clothes,
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-09-30
Sanitation Good


The vast difference In sanitary con-
ditions at present and a few months
ago cannot be fully appreciated by the
average citizen" said C. w. Burson,
chief sanitary inspector. ITO one who
has been actively engaged in sanitary
work for a number OF years. the work
that IVES done In the recent cleanup
campaign Is phenomenal. 1t Is seldom
that we come across a place that is
really a disease breeding hole. 1t used
to be u common occurrence.
The main thing is keeping the con-
ditions of the city in the present state.
We are keeping a large squad of men
constantly at work on this inspection
and there will be no chance for con-
ditions to revert to the place they were
several months ago. Birmingham Is to-
day one of the most sanitary cities in
the United States"
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-09-30
FAILURE OF .THE HOLY wAEy

Duncan g. Mcdonald. in the october
Yale Review.
1t is now abundantly clear with what
object Germany had been cultivating the
friendship of Turkey. This hypothetical
" orld force, united Islam, was unat-
tached to European politics. Parts of
the world of Islam had been attached.
1t is true, to one European power or
another; parts had saved themselves by
playing eff one power against another.
Islam, as great unit, had not taken
sides. 1t was vague. ungroupable, UNI
statable; but no one doubted it's reality.
Abdul Hamid had believed in it and cul
tivated it. All European statesmen
spoke of it with respect, greater or less.
1t was an unknown quantity; but 1t was
admittedly a quantity And when the
European war, which everyone, except
the wilfully blinded, knew to be newt
able should come, it might be of decis-
i've moment Further, if it could be
reached at all, that could be done only
through Turkey. France was in contact
with the Moslems of Africa; Russia, with
those of central Asia; England, with
those of southern Asia-all, it is true,
outlying elements in Islam. But even
these outlying elements had some feeling
of relation to the Ottoman Sultan as
berg also the symbolic Caliph, however
dubious the constitutional basis of his
claim to that dignity might be. Fur
thcrmore, whatever European power was
in the league with Turkey would neces-.
sarily be in economic control of Turkey,
could develop it, and exploit it; and no
one doubted the wealth latent in the
Turkish territories, if once properly
opened up and used. Dreams, too, Ger
many might well have had of southern
Asia and India; but her definite and
detailed purpose as to Turkey is now
beyond doubt.
But there were strange complications.
Islam, as represented by the military
party in the committee, had thrown in its
lot with Christian power. On this
good face had to be put with the Mos
lem masses, for though Christian mer-
cenary. troops have often been used by
Moslem states. yet such an alliance as
this threat tened the eternal and neces-
sary antagonism of Islam and Christen-
dem. Even in the Crimean war, the Eng
lish and French aid to Turkey had been
regarded as that of tributaries sum
moned to the help of their suzerain. So
now Germany had to be represented as
Moslem.. Especially the picturesque fig
ure of the German Kaiser assumed an
even more picturesque guise as Hail
Wilhelm and as Muhibb al-Islam, the Pc
culjar Lover of Islam.p
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-09-30
A THANKLEss JOB

so you are in the motion picture bust
ness?"
Yes" replied the man with band
aged arm.
What is your speciality"
TN explain. Sometimes ono of those
lily-ftngered Broadway actors that all
the women are crazy about appears in
photoplay that requires the hero to wres-
tie with q lion. leap off cliff, dangle
out of & top-noor window OF = 2o-story
building or do something else of that
sort"
"Wenr'
Aud I'm the stepchild Of fortune who
takes his place in that particular scene
SO he won't spoil his pretty face"
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-09-30
Business Barometer

THE amount of parcels shipped by
mail order houses generally indicate
business conditions" said Postmaster
r. B. Symer yesterday. 1--WE have just
received a carload of mail order par
cells to be distributed from this office.
In all there are $4,000 separate pack
ages, and another car as large is ex-
pected to arrive tomorrow.
This is pretty good sign that bust
ness in general all over the south is
getting better, for when these New
York mail order houses begin sending
out large numbers of catalogs and price
lists, business possibilities are general
ly good"
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-09-30
ADRIFT WITH THE TIMES
DIFFERENT THEN

With CHEEKY words and blothesolue smile
mix among my fellow-men,
Once more this life is worth the while,
It's time to wear my vest again.
Peoria journal.
Your "blithesorne smile" vision lent
And for my last years suit 7 started
Vince! I'll wear it with more content
When moth ball doors have departed
-i -Commerciai-Appeal
But how about this CHEEKY words
And blithesome smile when winter
brings
About the time, bad cess to 1t,
TO get into them flannel things7
Macon Telegraph.
We joyous!y put on our vest
And felt quite in the mood to sing;
But when the midday heat opprest
We speedily took off the thing.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-09-30
Which i. Most Important

THE city commission should wake Up
to the manner in which the police de-
partment is being rum" said John d.
McCarty, president of the McCarty Coal
company, yesterday.
''The criminal detectives of this city,
with 50 square miles to cover. consist Of
eight men to run down and catch all
classes of criminals. This same number
of men are employed to catch alleged
violators of the prohibition law, with a
score or more stool pigeons to assist them.
Which is the most important, catching
bottle of whisky or catching a muir
derer?
'Last week an automobile of mine,
valued at $500. was stolen while stand
ing on downtown street. This was
reported few minutes later, but up to
date have not heard from my machine
| If the police had received word that an
automobile was headed toward Birming-
ham with gallon of whisky in 1t l am
of the opinion I would have heard of
4 it,
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-09-30
THEY TOUCH THE COP

New York Correspondence in Pittsburg
Dispatch.
When New York women are shy their
car free whom do you suppose they
''touch?" Why, the cop on the beat. And
cops say beauties in distress are bad
payers. AS result of loaning small
sums of money to women and girls VIII
haven't the car fare home, or have lost
their purses, one cop says he is out $l5.
There was much more of 1t at Thirty
fourth street, near the Brooklyn ferry,
where l used to be stationed" he said.
mot day passed but four or five girls
asked for the loan of a nickel SO they
could get home. l was young then, and
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-09-30
THE ONE WHITE HAIR

BY Walter Savage Lander.
The wisest of the wise
Listen to pretty lies
And love to hear 'em told.
Doubt not that Solomon
Listened to many one
Some in his youth. and more when he
grew old.
/ never was among
The choir of Wisdom's song.
But pretty lies loved ! ~
AS much as any king.
When youth was on the wing.
And qnust it then be toldD when youth
had quite gone by.
Alas! and I have not
The pleasantest hour forgot
When one pert lady said,
80, Walter! / am quite
Bewildered with alright!
I see tsit quiet now white hair on your
headv'
Another more benign
Shipped it away from mine.
And in her own dark hair
Pretended it was found
Fair as she wss. che never was 10 fair!
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-09-30
NOT SO BAD

What became of the Yardle girl who
was ambitious for a stage career?"
She turned out much better than her
friends expected"
"You don't mean to tell me she's star
ring now?"
NO indeed. She's the mother of six
children and has a husband who doesn't
run around at night"
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-09-30
CONFUSING

ST take my hat off to this football
writer"
'Why so?'
His style is so lucid. 1 can under
stand how each advance was made and
the number of yards gained"
"Umph! Let me see. 1 thought SO.
That isn't a football story you are read
ing It's war stuff
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-09-30
PROOF POSITIVE

you can't fish here" said the farmer
to an angler who was gloomily making
his preparations to quit the spot Don't
you see that sign, No Trespassing' ~
"Oh, yes. see the sign" replied the
fisherman, but 1 wasn't convinced that
L couldn't fish here until L had waited
nearly seven hours without getting a nib
ble."
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-09-30

Suppose Shakespeare were living TO-
day. Could he sell enc of his plays to
a Broadway manaser7"
He might" replied the Indiana man.
'1f he could persuade Booth Harrington
or one of our other literary celebrities
to write him a letter of introduction
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-09-30
THE BRIGHTER SIDE

The man who likes a baseball game
Sees autumn come with sadness;
No longer do the afternoons
Contribute to his gladness.
However, though his days are dull,
His patient wife's the winner;
For, since there's naught to keep him
now,
He's home in time for dinner.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-09-30
ASKING TOO MUCH

Il have just met man who confessed
that he hadn't been home in 10 years
until quite recently"
HE ought to be ashamed of himself"
"It wasn't altogether his fault.
MOP"
HE says his home was three days
journey from the model prison where he
was confined and the warden simply
wouldn't stand for his being out of his
cell overnight"
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-09-30

BEGINNING THE DAY-O Cod
NV Father, make this FEAST uas
for my soul. Feed me ON the bread Oh
life. and may the living streams
now mt my feet. Strengthen my me-
with the hidden mamma. Dehsnt my
heart with tastes of heaven. way
sup withThee in heavenly places
rLr,.t,~ name. Amen.-H. NJ. e.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-09-30
SCIENTIFIC NOTE

From the New Yor', arald.
Mr. Roosevelt is as allied az a "sur-
vival of the prem ee.94 age" but those
without archaeological lore will think
no worse of him FOR that.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-09-30
USED PHoNoGAPH AT FUNERAL

From the Indianapolis News.
Rochester, Ind.-A photograph was
utilized at Rochester funeral for the
first time here when it provided severa!
vocal and instrumental selections at the
funeral services for Samuel Miller, ~
years old. Miller was former county
trea surer and veteran of the civil war
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-09-30

A sad tales best for winter:
/ have one of sprites and gOoins'
Winters Tale.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-09-30

TELEPHONE
Bell (private exchange CONNECTING ~
departments) Main 1900.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-09-30

Acknowledging that he is an office
seeker, Mr.. Hughes adds: For what pur-
poser Not that l covet power, but I do
covet the opportunity If it is afforded %
maintain American rights and American
horror There's an example of the sheer
est campaign flapdoodle.
The other day six stalwart members OF
Birmingham's police department were
credited with the capture of a lone col
ored brother charged with violating the
prohibition law. Where was the rest of
the force at that critical moment?
Is
The efforts of reformers to abolish col
lege drinking songs have met with crush
ing defeat.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1916-09-30
A BARE CHANCE

But When me Midday neat oppreSt
We speedily took off the thing.
The Tabor independent. [volume] (Tabor, S.D.) 1913-19??, 1916-02-24
How Tartars Went to China.
From Marco Polo's Voyages and TRAY
els" CHAPTER 20)


eH,' Chapter 20)
The province of Mangi is the richest and
most famous that Is founded in the east ;
and 1869 was governed by a certain king
called Fanfur, who was richer and
mightier than any who had reigned there
for 100 years, but a man peaceable and
charitable. SO beloved Of his subjects that
thereby, and by the strength OF the coun-
try. he seemed invincible. 1t was from a
persuasion Of this that the king, as we'll
as the people. lost the use and exercise of
war and arms. All the city was encom-
passed with bitches full of water. He
held in pay no horses cavalry, because
he feared nobody; and in process of time,
the king. betaking himself to pleasure
more than was nit. employed his whole
time in delights. He maintained justice
and preserved the peace; no man dared
offend his neighbor and disturb the peace
for fear of severe aQd impartial punish
ment; so that aFtificers would often leave
their shops full OF wares open by night.
and yet none, would presume to go into
them. Travellers and strangers walked
safely day and night through that whole
kingdom. fearing no man. The king him
self was also merciful toward the poor.
and did not overlook them that were OPP
pressed with necessity. or punished with
penury. Besides. every year he took up
10000 young infants cast off by their
mothers who. through poverty were not
able to keep them. which he brought up,
and put them. when they were grown UP,
to some trade, marrying the young men
VIII the MAIDS, Wnlcn he mad In ike man
ner so educated.
Cublai-Kahn was of different DISPOSE
ton from 'Fanfur, and delighted only in
wars and conquests: and TO make himself
great. he levied an army of horse and
foot, and made one named hinsan-Bhian,
e.: 100 eyes, general thereof: he there
fore coming with his army and a fleet to
the Province of Mangi first summoned
the city Coiganzu, to yield obedience to
his emperor who refused the same; he
departed without any assault given to
the city, and required the same of the
second city. which likewise refusing ne
marched forward to the third and fourth
and received the like answer of them all:
but he assaulted the next with great cour-
age and vanquished the same by force,
and slew every creature OF what sex or
age soever within. which so frightened
and terrified the rest that they ali pres
emily yielded. The great Kahn sent out
another great army after the former. with
both Of which armies he marched against
the chief city, Quinsai, where the king Of
Mangi resided, who, being nightly terri
fed as never having seen any war, fed
with sis wealth on board ships he had
prepared to certain impregnable islands In
the ocean where he afterward died.
The queen was sent unto the court of the
great Kahn (emperor) and was most hon
Sorably received by him and maintained
like queen.
By this route came hat badge Of servi-
tude. the pig tail"
The Tabor independent. [volume] (Tabor, S.D.) 1913-19??, 1916-02-24
When the Magician Quit,
From the Detroit News.

Prof. Presto Change, the world famous
magician, had entertained the people in
the theater for half an hour. He had
taken a pair of rabbits out of his assist
ants coat pocket; he had taken a flock Of
doves out of a crumpled handkerchief: he
had taken cluster of flowers and a pot
ted plant out of the folds of fan The
climax came when the gaping crowd saw
him take a horse out of a hat.
AS the deafening applause subsidized a. lit
tie Prof. Presto Change walked forward
to the foot:ghts and held up his hand
for silence.
Ladies and gentlemen" he announced,
this is not really the close Of my pro-
gram. l will now do any trick or set of
tricks that you may suggest. Simply tell
me what you want me to 90. Speak up,
somebody"
Near he center of the house a gray
haired man with long. white beard
arose.
There's somethin" 1 want to see done.
young feller," he said. Ever since I was
boy I've wanted to see 1t done. But I'm
afraid you can't do II. It's hard one :"
Prof. Presto Change smiled.
II like the difficult tricks he said
What is 1t, Uncle that you wish to see
me do that you have so long wanted to
WELL" the old man cried shrilIy, what
want is TO see you take the tariff out
of politics.
Attendants led the writing professor
from the stage.