Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1916-06-26

IT'S not what is in front of him that
troubles the candidate for public OF
fee. It's what is behind him.
OUR notion of the great American
optimist is one who keeps on DeEeVlns
that eventually, If not now, he VIII
find a hair restorer, at one dollar per
bottle, that will make good on Its i'd
vertised virtues.
| THE starch trust has been ordered
to dissolve by a ruling OF federal dis
trict Judge in New York. Doubtless
| the officials of the concern feel that the
government is acting pretty stiff with
them.
! IN Akron, Ohio, a girl must be IS
before she is allowed to attend pub
| lie dance. How about the grandmoth-
ers who dress to look like giggling
dolls?
WALTER E. Miller, weight 80
pounds, has been granted divorce
from his wife, who tips the scales al
$50, at Pittsburgh, Pa. "On one occa-
sion she held me over her lap and
applied a hot iron to the seat OF my
trousers" he complained. He ought
to be thankful that she didn't order
him to remove 'em before she began
the warming up process.
FEDERAL officers confiscated car
load OF whisky shipped out OF CALI
opolis, Ohio, as rags. Let's see, how
many tears are there in a carload OF
whisky! Then how many are there
i'm car of rags.
BALTIMORE has horse % years
old that takes it's beer regularly every
working day. But it knows when il
has enough" says dispatch from that
city. If the average man exercised as
much Judgment as does this animal
the prohibition and anti-saloon league
movements wouldn't have a leg tc
stand on.
"GYPSIES Travel in Autos But Still
Plead Poverty. Headline. The only
difference between the majority OF auto
owners and the gypsy is that the latter
is not ashamed to tell the truth.
MANUFACTURERS say that thu
price of matches is due to advance 81
per cent. Few will object. inasmucf
as we had about lost respect for the
, lucifer on account of the recklessnes!
| wit hi cl, he
, the compliments of the operators o
, various lines Of business.
: THE holder Of the palm leaf fan con
: cessiOn centennial week has not beer
, seen or heard from since last Monday
1t is said that when last sighted h
: was headed for the Office of the loca
l weather f0recaster with a threatening
look in his eye.
IN neighboring city the chief of thu
| fire department has received checl
| for S25 from a man whose home wa
! totally destroyed by flames. This il
our notion of the height of frankness
/ The cause of the fire is presumed Il
! have been an excessive insuranc
policy.
TT is reported that patients in on
of the eastern hospitals for the insan
have offered to raise regiment amOns
their members for service in Mexico
: Who would you suggest for colonel
We also think that Chaplain woul,
prove an ideal officer.
s HERETOFORE married officers hav
been barred from aviation service il
the United States army, but after Jul
> ! no distinction will be made Here i
an opportunity that doubtless will b
eagerly seized by both sides of unhapp
: households.
= HUGHES, republican candidate 70
president. is the son of minister. Yo1
can leave it to the old guard to pick
Christian gentleman to screen with
veil of responsibility the dark lanter1
forces occupying the first trenches.
: MAN at Cleveland boasts of possess
ing two cigars made before the Civi
l war. "That's nothing" says Ignatz
"The other morning | was served
pair of eggs that admitted WITNESSING
4 the engagement at Bull Run. ! imag
inc they were strong enough then t
. have thrown the bull"
OUR magazines and newspapers ar
sacrificing large gobs of space printin
1 articles written nv ayDertS taJtino n o1
: to end the war in Europe. Their sug
gestions are falling on deaf ears, TO
: the directing geniuses of the power
involved apparently have determine
that the only way to obtain peace is il
: fighting for it, this being in conformit
= with their original program
MA were asked the nth or a,,r h1.