davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Connecticut western news., 1916-01-27
Where the Laugh Comes In

What makes Bli1gins in such hurry to get to work in the morning?"
 "He isn't getting to work. His. family has moved and they're fixing up the house. He's,getting away from work. "-Washington Ssar
 An Oriental princess travelling in, this country quoted tho following say. ing she had heard at home about Eve and the apple. "The Evil One didnlt, give the apple to the man but to- the woman, beoause the Evil One knew that the man would eat it, himself, but the woman would 20 halves. "-Boston Transcript.
 Did I understand yuu,to say that MT. Twobhle' is a great help to Mrs. Twobble in her social caEeery'
 "Oh, yes"
 But he's-a,perfect duh."
 My friend, most Of the cheeks, signed in this. country are signed by perfect dubs. God bless 'em r'-Birm- ingham Age Herald.
 Young man," said the magistrate severely, "the assault you have com. mitted on your poor wife was most brutal. Do you know of any reason why 1 should not send you to prison 2,,'
 "If you do, your honOn" replied the prisoner att the bar, hopefully, "it will break up oEr honeymoon. "-Philadel- phia Ledgen
 Friend--'Your wife seems to have a remarkable constitution.
 Meek-"She has; and. you should see her bylaws, rules and regula- tions. ."-BOston Transcript.
 First Cheese Mite-tI fear some one will garb this cheese"
 Second Cheese. Mite Nonsense Impossible! We're st7ong-we're rich we've population of so, GOO, 000" Life.
 It is-qpite true, as Professor Johnson of Columbia says, that if if was not for babies, there would be no taxes.- Rochester Post Express.
Connecticut western news., 1916-01-27
CoOperation

Help, one another," the snowflakes
 said, As they huddled down in their feecy
 bed; G One of us here would not be felt, Une of us here would quickly melt; But I'll help you, and you help me, And then, what big white drift we'll
 see.'' Help one another" the maple spray Said to his fellow-leaves one days E'The sun would wither me here alone, Long enough ere the day is gone; But I'll help you, and you help me, And then, what a splendid shade
 there'l be. " Help one another" the dewdrop
 cried, Seeing another drop close to its side; "The warm south breeze wcald dry me
 away, And I should be gone ere noon today But I'll help you, and you help me, And we'll make a brook run to the
 sea" Help one another" grain of sand Said to another grain just at hand; "The wind may carry me over the sea, And then, O! what will become of me But come, my brother, give me your
 hand, We'll build mountain and there we'll
 stand.' And so the snowfakes grew to drifts, The grains of sand to mountains; The leaves became pleasant shade, The dewdrops fed the fountains.
 Anonymous.
Connecticut western news., 1916-01-27
The Wurra WuPpa Club

Every member was present when his name was called, after the meeting opened, President Eugene T. Rowe, lex .mayor,) in the chair. After the reading of the minutes, which stood approved as read, the Opening Ode was sung by Ivan Cam, accompanied by Lew RhOades on his corn pepper, The decks were cleared for actiors and the chair called for regular business.
 Mr. E. c. Finney moved the appoint. ment of committee to wait on the railroad authorities. in accordance with MT. Creevey's suggestion at the meet ing of the Business Mems Association with regard to unnecessary noises on the railroads at nights He thought something might be done about it.
 The fat member got up ands said he was in favor of the motion and would second it.; but he wanted O move an amendment, "that we asks MH Mellen to have the injines equipped with them chime toOters that some o' tn ottomo- piles has, that plays a tune an thatll change a, noosance to a night air musi- cal concert Then we'll have suthin' wuth listenin' to, instid of suthin' t' lay awake an cuss at."
 Ed. Warmer said he approved of all that the gentlemen had said, regarding the noise nuisance and the remedy, but he failed to. see the sense in appealing to Mellen, who had got through SUD- pressing nuisances. some time ago. "I move an amendment to the amend ment, that the name of Vic Coe be substituted for that of Mellen," said MT. Warner.
 Both amendments were approved, and the motion us amended was lost by a big majority.
 MT. Seneca Strong got up, and moved that an Investigating committee be ap- pointed to investigate Rob. Peirce and find out who he was, driving at when he presented his resolution, Last Thurs. day evening, referring to, the local knockers. and critics.
 Judge Ford said that while he had as much. curiosity as anybody, to kuow just who, the Peirce resolution was aimed at, he deemed irl malicious, as well as judicially wise, for the average
 
 matters that do not specifically concern him. He would advise cantion in this matter, and offered to read chapter in the Statutes bearing on. the subject of personal rights. However, in order to bring the matter before the meeting he would second MT. Strong's motion.
 Before the chair could put the motion to vote, MT. Strong jumped up and withdrew it. So that settled that.
 The chairman of the, banquet con- mibtee, MT. Con. Hitchcock, reported that subcommittee, had been ap. pointed to arrange for the annual ban quet, and the committee on time and place would meet this week to receive sealed bids from caterers and check, noom clerks.
 The meeting then adjourned.
Connecticut western news., 1916-01-27
Tbe American peerage.

The Yankee Peerage is thing That scars today on buoyant wing With Lords and Markisses and sitch Selected from our homemade rich. The glad news cometh OCT the sea. That George of sovereign majesty Because of service mixed with coin Exalts our Lord of Tenderloinl And there be others who anon A simple term, foF later on May seek the gilhed coronek. Like Claude, my Lord of liJtchenetoe,. Most worthy vassal of the upown, For that he holds our navy down., Mld keeps our army in control Hid deep within a pigeonr hole. And Baron Wiereck we may see Ere many days have ceased to be-. For that sweet George Of Teuton fame Has helped to play the Briton's game With sundry gibes and barbey gaffs, And vitriolic paragraphs, The which have served to weary us And make the hyphen odious. And possibly ere many days An Earl of Jitney's, verdant bays Will decorate the brow adroit Of Henry, Lord of all Detroit For venturings of Peace whepeby The Bird was landed high and dry And everybody came to pipe The time to eat him wasn't ripe. Andi-oh, the score of candidates Thas on the sovereign favor waitsl His race the Dnke of Theodore, Who'd ease the monarch of his War; Now straining at the leash to get Into those trenches danls and wet, And make the quarrels of the Throne No longer George's but his own. And Baron Bill of tongue so free They'd spell that Baron with m E. For vast expenditures in breath To talk Bellona grim to death; The list runs on and on and on, From Ponkapog to Washington, Of worthy Lords, Dukes, Earls and
 Barts,
 Ripe for the pluoking in our marts. John Kendrick Bangs, in New York
 Times.
Connecticut western news., 1916-01-27

Boost the lodge that you attend, Boost the street on winch you Ire
 dwelling,
 Boost the goods that you are selling, Boost the people round about you, They can get along without you, But success will quicker find them Ii they know that you're behind them. Boost for every forward movement Boost for every new improvement Boost the man for whom you labor, Boost the stranger and the neighbor, Cease to be a chronic knocker, Cease to be progress blocker, If you'd make your city better, Boost it to the final letter.
Connecticut western news., 1916-01-27
THE NEW TEN COM MAND-
 MENTS.

Following are the "Ten Command ments" submitted by the committee on Commandments, at the last meeting of the Canaan Business Mems Assocja- tion and ordered printed by vote of the meeting:
 l. Thou shalt not forget the regular meeting night of the Canaan Business Mems Association, nor shalt thou on that night, with reconciliation and malice aforethought, at the eleventh hour, deliberately contract imaginary attacks of grip, lumbago, blind stag gers, previous engagements, or cold feet.
 3. Thou shalt remember that the hour is fixed, and thou shalt not neglect to wind and set thy watch on the night before the third Thursday in each month, to the end that it cause thee not to arrive at the place of meeting during the period between the motion to adjourn and the ham sandwiches.
 B. Thou shalt not neglect to pay thy dues to the treasurer before they get behind; but if thou hast erred in this particular, thou shalt pay them not only up to date, but as far ahead as they were behind before.
 4. Thou shalt not sit like Slough ton bottle when the president appeals for thy views on any matter under con- sideration, nor shalt thou, after sitting speechless as a clam, go out from the meeting and, in sneering criticism of the business transacted, shoot off thy mouth.
 3. Thou shalt not accept an ap. pointmeut on committee and proceed forthwith to forget the duties of that appointment as if they were of no more thy wife.
 6. Thou shalt not desert nor stick up thy nose at the Association and its principles because thus far it boasts nc great achievement in the way of estab fishing factories on all the vacant lott that lie out of doors.
 '. Thou shalt not waste thy time
 nor thy breath in foolish argument ovel the usefulness of the Association, witt the chronic kicker, the constitutions knocker, the dyspeptic sneerer, thu , Gll0 COuC6lG0( , ass, nor the cold-blooded grouch witt the disordered liver, whose very ap proach causes thy whole diabolica
 system to bristle with goose-pimples.
 8. Thou shalt not pat myself ol
 thy back and boast that thou hast done thy whole duty by the Association as patriot and public spirited booste, when thou hast merely paid thy an : nual dues and honored the annual ban l quet with thy gracious and hungry
 presence.
 g. Thou shalt not weary thy brother
 members who are doing their best il the interest of the Association and O the community, by saying unto them "You ought to see how they do thos
 things over where I lived before I cam lhere.
Connecticut western news., 1916-01-27

"I wish to thank you for your great forbearance, said the departing guest.
 "Oh-er-don't mention it." ans- wered the proprietor, with slightly puzzled look. "I'm glad you're pleased.
 "Yes," continued the guest, "con- sidering the capacity of the attendants in this hotel, deem myself fortunate in not being locked in my room and held for ransom. "-Birmingham Age Herald
Connecticut western news., 1916-01-27

John Rodemeyer. of the Con- necticut Western News, notices that our Chamber of Commerce is now paying it's president salary, but through a typographical error, presumably, says that the salary is $12,00 year, instead of $1,2O0. John is requested to be more care ful about his proofrealiing here after. Some members of the Waterbury Chamber of Commerce may be subject to heart failure Waterbury Republican.
 Both the intelligent composition ant the proofreader doubtless assumed tha if President Colley was to be paid, h' would probably be paid what he wa worth, and took liberties with tn copy" accordingly.
Connecticut western news., 1916-01-27

A good cheer sentiment from Zion s Herald: "True cheerfulness is a moral achievement; and to cultivate the capacity for seeing and rejoicing in the good, the beautiful and the true is a duty. We readily grant that it is a duty to give, to pray and to work; but quite as much it is duty to be bright, to look up, to have the cheery mood and speak the cheering word.
Connecticut western news., 1916-01-27

At the Mckinley dinner at the Hotel Taft, New Haven, Saturday night ac- cording to certain newspapers, the "piece de resistance will be the re- conciliation between J. Henry Rora- back and Col Isaac Ullman. This celebrated reconciliation alternates periodically with the falling out be- tween J. Henry and John T. King.
Connecticut western news., 1916-01-27
What the Other Fellows Say

Raw magazines owe most of their popularity to the gratuitous advertising they receive at the hand of jealous vice crusaders. The best way to com. bat some evils in this world is to leave them severely alone.-Pittsfield Eagle.
 Springfield has discovered man who finds that sand, properly selected, has magnetic qualities and that quart or two of it will do the work of a ton or two, as sand has been used on the railways of the country for years. If he wants to give his theories real test, he ought to come down to Waterbury and sand the tracks on some of it's, hill side trolley lines. Waterbury Republi- can. ts. s.-.1z .. -'s . . l-'.--....,
 The more dyestuff factories we have in the United States the better for our business interests, that is if the govern, ment will give them the protection they deserve from cutthroat competi-- tion. .-Ansonia Sentinel
 The danger of catching the grip in public assemblages is keenly realized at church time Sunday morning. but they are seen to be largely illusory when it comes time to- go to the enter tainment Monday evening. Journal.
 Nearly 1000 bills were introduced in the first twelve days of the present session of Congress, and to some of us it seems as if we had had nearly that number since January first.-Bristol Press.
 The whole town of Byers, Kansas, has sworn off smoking. drinking and chewing for a year. Bet a hat the men of that town go to knitting bees and bring the tea while the women folks furnish the gossip. Post.
 The cat with nine lives is no longer distinguished. The Crown Prince has been journalistically dead 29 times, and then some.-New Haven Union.
 It is safe to predict that MT. Taft will not be elevated to the supreme court of the United States, where he be. longs.-New Haven Journal Courier.
 The justice of the peace of Redwood City, Gal. who imprisoned John D. SDreckles, Jr., in jail for two days for failing to lower his auto lights while passing through, explained that a fine would have been little punishment tc the rich man and that he had declared he would refuse to pay it and take al appeal. Waterbury American
Connecticut western news., 1916-01-27
MAILS CLOSE GOING

MAILS CLOSE GOING North East South West 9;4S a. III. S:13 a. ID. 7:44 a. m. 1920 a. III. 7:O9 D. m. 3:55 D. m. 2:32 D. m 6.3S D. m.
 MAILS OPEN FROM North East South West 8:25 a. m $50 o. m 10:3o a, m. 800 a. m. 3i10 D. m. HOO 8. m. 7:39 D. m. 4:25 D. m
 7:15 D. m.
 Mail closes on Route No. 1, R. F. D. at 10:30 B. m For SouthfieId and Mill River at 1. p. m.
 E. l.. ROBERTS, P. M.
Connecticut western news., 1916-01-27
GOSSIP OF DAYS GONE BY
Record ot Doings from Week to Week Culled from The News Files.
 IQQd

!
 1884 i June 25. At school meeting D. L. 1 Freeman, A. T. Roraback and J. B. Reed were elected committee and s. A. Eddy clerk and treasurer. 1 Charles H. Preston and Miss Nellie J. Andrus were married in the Metho. l dist church.
 Rev. W. G. Peirce, of Champaign, Illinois, accepted the invitation of the Congregational church at East Canaan to supply their pulpit during the month of July.
 Miss Parloa was giving lessons in ! cooking in Norfolk.
 The Chautauqua Circle went on a picnic at Lake Buel. Dr. George Adam was ill with neu- ralgia.
 Mrs. Charles Lewis who had been 1 i'll for some time, was gradually fail ing.
 5. A. Eddy attended the commence ment exericses at Storrs Agricultural school.
 Mrs. David $. Proper and children, of Elizaville, N. Y, were guests at Judge M. T. Granger's.
 The gross receipts of the strawberry festival held in V. I. A. hall were $31.
 Rev. E. P. Hammond, the evange- list. visited pr. Eddy and spoke at a Sunday school convention in Lake vile.
 Seventy-two tickets were sold at this station for the excursion. to Hartford, Buckingham day.
 Fire was discovered in Smith's woods northwest of the village a@d 15 acres burned over. The Canaan baseball nine played with the East Canaan nIne and the score stood 35 to 30 in faKor of East Canaan.
 Barnum, Richardson 6 O., were running but one furnace.
 Patrick Manogue, of Housatonic, visited relatives in town. He formerly worked for MT. William Adam and Forbes Munson.
 Bishop Williams made his annual visit to Christ Church. Rev. MT. George, of Salisbury; Rev. MT. Walker, of Lime Rock; Rev. MT. Bodley, of North Adams; Prof. Johnson, of Berkley Divinity School, Middletown, and Rev. MT Whittlesey, of Hartford, were the visiting clergymen.
 A son was born to MT. and Mrs. James Mccormick William Tinnian, of Florsnce, Vt. and Miss Adela Kegler, of East Ca naan. were married in St. Joseph's church.
 Falls Village-Rev. and Mrs. B. N. Lewis were entertaining Mrs. Lewis brother and family. c. H. Rowley, of Lime Rock, was very ill. pr. J. D. Clemens returned from a visit to his mother in Brooklyn. MT. Alexander Belcher, dieeb at Egremont, Mass. He was the oldest member of Montgomery Lodge, F. and A. M., Lakeville, and died on the 101st anniversary of the lodge.
 West CoCnwall-Exercises appro. priate to Children's Day were held in the churches. The cavalry company were to- meet at Cornwall Plain for a parade and general jolification. R. N. Cochrane and George Hughes were delegates to the Sunday school conven- tion at L4akeville. Mrs. F.. F. Smith was visiting friends in Plainville, N. J. Rev. H. W. Perkins and wife, of Scitico, were guests of Houston Coch- rane. Miss Alice Gold attended the graduating exercises at Wellelsey Col lege. A disastrous fire was raging on the mountain south of the village. MT. James Morgan and family, of Mon- treal, rented the cottage Gn Cream Hill for the summer. F. B. Carney and daughter, of Brooklyn. were guests at Joseph Mallinson's. James A. Gage and mother, of Hudson, N. Y., were guests at Hillside cottage.
Connecticut western news., 1916-01-27

10. Thou shalt not neglect to follow these commandments nor to keep con- stantIv in thy mind, nor to show forth in thy works, thy endorsement of the policy set forth in the admouition "Get Together. Pull Together.
Connecticut western news., 1916-01-27

A Hartford professor declares that the United States is likely to be at- tackled by Germany. and that a Ger man prince may reign over us at Wash ington and German governor at Hart ford. We would like to ask that pro- lessor what he things Col. Roosevelt will be doing while Germany is swal- lowing the United States
Connecticut western news., 1916-01-27
ReverIe.

The sad suns set by our lost seas That rim our coasts of Yesterday The warm winds wave our filmy trees Against blue skies. From far away Unbidden fancies pause to play On harps, sweet strains from long ago Which bring the tears though they
 be gay,
 Those softening tears. It is not so, A halo hangs above the past And every pleasant place long syne, Each grace, each face, the least and
 last
 Is vanished gladness that was thine :?
 Charles Philip Krouth.
Connecticut western news., 1916-01-27
Fish Stories.
The meeting then adiourned

Arne Olsen. cowherder in Itasca pant says he caught three three-pound bass with safety pin. Seeing the big fish at the bottom of a pond and having a fish line but neither bait nor hook, he took a safety pin from his trousers, and used part of a crawfish for bait. He thinks the pin must have closed as the fish bit at the bait.
 A flying fish jumped on board Joe Rivers launch at Los Angeles the other day and knocked him full length on the deck, giving him black eye. For some time Joseph was unable to find the cause of his unexpected fall, but he finally discovered the offending fish, whose nose had been broken in the encounter.
 Quenemo, Kans., farmers last sum. mer went fishing with pitohforks in their wheat fields. The Marias des Cynges overfowed and flooded the sur rounding lands, providing well.stocked fishing ponds. Numerous yellow channel catfish weighing five or six pounds were speared with pitchfogks there, it is said.
 A lltUle WdWer spdhiel DelolBluR Uo J. O. Douggins, an Indiana farmer, is devoted to fishing. He will dive into the water and bring up a fish in his mouth, continuing the sport for hours. The dog has caught several hundred pounds of fish in the last few months.
 Hello, Brown, buying a new noveli I thought you never read book that is less than year old.
 "I don't; but by the time my wife and daughter get through lending this to their friends, it will be that old and more. "-Boston Transcript.
 "You say you can't pay this bill and yet see you riding around every day in an automobile"
 My dear fellow, that's the reason. '" Birmingham Age e-Herald.
 One thing that often makes a fellow sore is to have a collector come up and dun him when he's got money,-Louis- vile Herald.
Connecticut western news., 1916-01-27
TELEPHONE: CANAAN 5e
THE EWS' AGENTS

THE NEWS AGENTS Extra copies of The News on sale at the offce of publication and at
 Dempsey's Drug Store, Canaan, Post Office East Canaan. Post Office. Falls Village, George T. Johnson's Store, Norfolk H. l.. Rood, Ashley Falls. A. L. Dickinson, Salisbury. J. W. Morgan. Great Harrington, Mas.
Connecticut western news., 1916-01-27

An Ansonia coal dealer has just been fined $50 for selling short weight coal. But perhaps it was sold to long wait payer.
Connecticut western news., 1916-01-27

Get Together. Pull Together. That isn't slogan" It's simply a rally ing cry, for home consumption.
Connecticut western news., 1916-01-27
THURSDAY. JANUARY 27, 1916.

The man who cannot be a Chris tian in the place where he is, can- not be a Christian anywhere Henry Ward Beecher.
Connecticut western news., 1916-01-27
SONGS AND CHEER.
BY EMMA RoDEMEYER WATT.

Even in the darkest ipugle,
 Where no sunlight ever peers, God has sent His sweetest songsters
 Just to sing a song that cheers. Songs of cheer will tighten labor.
 And they make life's cares depart. An, we ought to keep them singing
 Ever. ever in the heart.
Connecticut western news., 1916-01-27
st All the world loves A lover ''

Except the boss who is expected to raise his salary on the wedding day. :" Free Press.
Connecticut western news., 1916-01-27
Cent-a-Word Advertisements
 Minimum Charge 9 Cents
FOR SALE

FUh V IE FOR sALE-A Sterling Concert Grand Piano S500OO value. Will sell for S2J0 O. In A No, condition Mrs l.. k. Noon Falls Village, Ct. FOR SALE-A team weighing $500. desirable for farm use. Peter Juliaui, West Norfolk, Ct.
 MISCELLANEOUS HOUSE to rent. Inquire of II. D. Humphrey, CLEANING, pressing and repairing reasonably done. Clothing sent by parcel post will be re. turned at my expense, Annie M. Tterney, East Canaan.
 WANTED A girl for general housework or as mothers helper. Mrs. C. r, Grant, Hutchkiss school, Lakeyile. Conn Telephone 2l+2,
Connecticut western news., 1916-01-27

G. w. PARSONS, BUSINESS MANAGER
The Pensacola journal. (Pensacola, Fla.) 1898-1985, 1916-01-16

The man who works out
doors will find some big
values in our wool shirts
and sweaters which have
been reduced.
Other reductions on Shoes
BLANKETS, Robes. Lounging
Robes, Hats and other mer-
chandise.
The Pensacola journal. (Pensacola, Fla.) 1898-1985, 1916-01-16
GERMAN COUNT HEADS
PRUSSIAN HOUSE LORDS

Berlin, Jan 16.-CUunt Won Arnim
Bcitzenburg has been elected presi-
dent of the Prussian house of lords
Prince Saln was chosen vice presf-
dent and Count Euleuburg Prassed
secretary.