The Irish standard. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn. ;) 1886-1920, 1916-01-29
Mr.. DOQEY DISCUSSES THE KING o. ENC.
LAND-1HE WAR and ENGLISH PROHIBITION

is worthy of his love, an that's Her.
bert.
HE was unpopular, but whin war.
broke out, tn country had to sind FIR
him. FIR sixty years England had not
been in war that cuddent be settled
be tn police force. But this war was
difrent. 1t wasn't like conkerin' a
bunch Nv Dutch farmers in stovepipe
hats an turnin' over tn conquered
tirritory to thin. An it wasn't Lord
Charley Beresford, bombardin' mud
palaces an signalin' himself: Well
done, Charley, my boy England did
all she could at tn beginnin'. She,
whit into tn fracas with tn same
Anglo Saxon efficiency that we
showed in the Cuban light oppry.
TIL king ordered another plate iv muf-
fins, an tn navy to sail out an sink
the German fleet; tn boys at tn club
deserted tn grouse moors f'r betther
sport; an tn iditor iv The London
Times called on every Englishman to
do his jooty, an near evry English
man responded be goin' out to see a
futball game.
AN there England stopped. She
cud thing Nv nawthin' else to do. She
had exhausted all tn warlike meas
ures she knew. They were all right
in their way. They read well. But
they weren't enough to stop tn
Dutch. A gatherin' Nv patriotic Eng
lishmen singin': Rule Britannya' an
Dolly Grey, in tn Crystal Palace, is
noble sight, but it won't silence wan
Nv tn BATTERIES that little Susie
Kroop is croshayin' in her boodoor at
Essen. So tn English, who are sinsi-
BILE whin in danger, says to thin
silves: We can't win creol brutal
an savage war whin we haven't tn
best Nv it at tn start. We're not a.
warlike nation, anyhow. We're a ma
ton iv noncompetints', say they. Let's
sind FIR some good, efficient an Prot
estant 1rishman to do tn job FIR u.s.
says they. An they turned tn Umpire
over to Lord Kitchener an told him
to go as far as he liked.
Lord Kitchener amt me own or tn
English idee Nv sojer. He vuddent
go well in tn movies. He's a COMFY
nation Nv grocer, cook, horseshoer.
railroad superintindint, bricklayer,
section boss, tailor an chiropodist. If
he was in this country, he wud be in
tn conthractin' business. War to him
amt amy more gloryous thin layin'
railroad ties. 1t may be an amuse-
ment FIR tn young. If it wasn't they'd
be mighty few wars. But FIR machure
minds like his an mine, it's a bust
ness Nv providin' durable pants f'r tn
sojers, dealin' out hot soup to thin.
maxim railroads to carry thin firm
place to place, removin' their bunions.
an lettin' tn young fellows injye
themselves, firm time to time, shootin-
| or stabbin' tn inimy. But, mind We.
he don't allow thin to indulge in this
here dissipation whiniver they want
to. His motto is: Kill as many as
he can, but don't go an get ye'ersilf
kilt or I'll have We up befure coort
martial
well, sir, mex to tn fair sect tn
wan thing that Kitchener hates most
is drink. P'raps he hates thin both
alike. 1t amt clear whether he dis
likes tn ladies because they dhrive
men to dhrink, or tn dhrink because
it makes men fall lightly into love.
Amy how he looks upon both timpta-
tons as a curse to tn nation that
fiirts with thin. TIL last thing he said
to his sojers whin they left f'r France
was to avoid tn light wines an ladies'
Nv that lovely land.'
Have tn Germans given up drink
In beer?" asked Hennessy.
"Plaze let US not discuss reliion.
Hinnissy," said Mr.. Dooley.