Omaha daily bee., 1916-12-10
Colonel Harvey's Trial.

NOlOHCl
Colonel George Harvey, who pre-
dicted the election of Hughes by
large majority, next appeared and was
chided by the vaudeville agent. Har-
vey said he was lightning calculator.
and that he had predicted the first
nomination and election OF certain
professor in New Jersey"
HARVEY-Moreover. four years ago. | cal
culated exactly what electoral votes each
of the three candidates would have
T-Wonderful-Have you done any Of
the same kind OF calculating lately?
HARVEY Uruculently)-If' you are going
to be personal I'll not stay here and stand
for It, I don't think | want a job from
you. anyway. the North American Re-
view is good enough vaudeville for me.
Good day
In the New Cabinet :
Another travesty entitled the
Ghost Skit," was cast in "spook
court" with a court sitting in judg
ment on the astral spirits of aspirants
for positions in the new cabinet. Spir-
its of Secretary OF Commerce Red
field, Henry Ford, Postmaster Gen
eral Burleson, Colonel House, Secre-
tary Tumulty, Vance Mccormick,
Frank L. Polk, counsellor to the State
department, and others, appeared, all
to be rejected by the judges. When
the announcer heralded the spirit of
Henry Ford, the astral body of the
Michigan manufacturer arrived, rat
thing a lot of tin cans"
CHIEF JUDGE-The music Is familiar,
What seek you. Mr.. Ford"
Ford want to be secretary of the treas
ury.
CHIEF JUDGE-why?
FORD--So that l can find out how to make
money
CHIEF JUDGE-warden. sweep out the
padded cell for Mr. Ford.
ANNOuNCER-The spirit OF Joseph p.
Tumulty, secretary to the president.
CHIEF JUDGE--When did you acquire an
astral body, Mr.. Tumulty?
TUMULTY-About a week before election.
CHIEF JUDGE-You mean you want to
hold your present job with your physical
body and get into the cabinet with your
astral body?
TUMULTY-Guilty, judge.
CHIEF JUDGE-Suppose the cabinet job
only pays an astral salary?
TUMCLTY-Then hand 1t to somebody else.
Both my astral body and myself are
practical men.
(The spirit Of Secretary of War Baker
next appeared
ANNOUNCER--Mercy. Its the hero of Val
ley Forge-the Hon. Newton D. Baker.
CHIEF JUDGE--Greetings Mr.. Baker, in
the name Of George Washington and his
army What news from the border?
BAKER-Aw, forget that. The election is
over.
CHIEF JUDGE-what. No more plots?
Then what do you want?
BAKER, want a job on the supreme
court; I'm from Ohio.
CHIEF JUDGE-Ohio was not close enough,
Mr. Baker. What else?
BAKER-Then I'll stay where am.
CHIEF JUDGE-Does the president know
that?
BAKER-sh-h. Right under your belt, I'm
afraid not
BAKER-No; you tell him. Be nice judge
and tell him. But don't say 1t came
from me. You know he just might
CHIEF JUDGE-I know. He often does.
Stand back, Mr.. Baker.
Counsellor Polk of the State department
appeared in quest Of Secretary ILansings
job.
CHIEF JUDGg-why. even Bryan couldn't
hold that.
PoLK--I know; but they gave him the Hi
CHIEF JUDGE-what's the Hiram John
PoLK-Ask Hughes
CHIEF JUDGING can't find him.
POLk-WeH, It's a lemon, grown in Cali
. fornia.
Also the Suffs.
Another sketch was a travesty on
the special train load of eastern wom-
en- who campaigned in the west for
Hughes. The scene was laid in Kid
derville, Kan, where the millionaire
special arrived amid town officials,
townsmen and native women. The
sufragists aroused the jealousy of the
native women when, the home men,
folk followed the gayly dressed east
erners to the train, and one of the ma
tive women, addressing her deserted
sisters, exclaimed:
FIRST WOMAN-Sovereign women of Kid
derville: Our men folks has deserted us
to trail after them stuck up, goggle-eyed.
just-fawncey, shilly- shally fumps from
the effete east. Now, my idea is to teach
them lesson. Let us rise as one man
I mean woman-and show them
weakened men who the real politicians
! are As william Allen White said: ''The
hand that churns the butter is the hand
that rules the world" Come on, women !,
not a man in Kidderville gets hot meal
or a clean shirt until he promises to vote
against the monkey dinner bunch. When
the returns are in you'll find there amt
nothing the matter with Kansas. Come
on girls!