Five Mile Beach weekly journal., 1916-05-12
The Too Good Man
His Kindness Is Always Repelled.
By Nj. QUAD
Copyright, 1915, by the Mcclure
Newspaper Syndicate.

~ ~ IL 1o $3.50 1aet
piled 1t ON the barn door, but it always
comes out the same-the too good man
has no place in this world. He is a
sort of cross between a burdock and
a sunflower-not ornamental enough
for wear nor good enough eating for
cows.
Coming up from Red Bank the other
day, l followed an old nan into the
passenger coach. l had noticed him
on the platform, and l recognized him
as belonging to the species 1 have
named.
The train had scarcely begun to
move when my too good man, who had
a rear seat, rose up and announced:
Don't nobody be skeered, now. This
hain't no collision. It's just like they
allus nov off. I've rid on 'em more'n
a dozen times, and I'll tell you when to
jump off,"
Everybody looked at him, while some
deluded him with smiles meant to be
encouraging. He slowed way his
satchel and removed an old SLOUGH hat
he had been wearing.
There was a woman sitting alone a
few seats down the aisle. She had an
umbrella, a bundle secured with a
shawl strap and two or three parcels
on the seat, and as Uncle Jerry passed
down the aisle he stopped before her
and cheerfully observed:
Face kinder familiar to me, but [
can't remember your name. Never
h4a, ta,,oI - 4. ko-1
names, anyhow. Husband flew around
and helped We to git ready, l suppose?
Leave the children all right? Been lots
O. measles around this year. Didn't
leave the outside cellar door open, did
ye?"
II don't know ye," she said as she
looked up.
What! Hain't We Hammer Jones of
Jones Crossroads ~
mo, sir"
"Waal, l swow! I'd bet a two-year-
old steer agin a cider bar that We
was."
The next one he accosted was a man
fully as old as himself whose crown
was bald and who wore spectacles. He
was reading a letter, which he had TAX
en- from a corn colored envelope, when
Uncle Jerf, gave him a playful poke
in the ribs and called out:
Lands, you look just like my broth
er Bill across the back and head. Coin
somewhat, l s'pose.'
"Who did that?' testify exclaimed
the old man as he looked up.
Il kinder poked We, but it hain't
nuthin' to git mad att replied Uncle
Jerry. Folks all well at home, | hope.
How'd yer taters keep last winter?
Hear any demand fur turnips lately?"
Il want you to stop, l say!' yelled
the old man as he waved his arms
around.
"Then l will. If We are SO techy as
all that | don't want nuthin' to do
with We. Lucky that We hain't goin' to
run fur supervisor in my town. You
wouldn't git a blamed vote. Howdy
do, %naybur?"
This last remark was addressed to a
rather savage looking man with a weed
on his hat who was reading a maya
zine.
Il warn you to go on said the man.
Pm wicked! I'm tuff! I'll hurt ye!"
by squash, but what a Teller We bel
Haul right off and PUNK me cause l
van to be friendly, eh?"
He seemed to be a bit discouraged
for a moment, but presently his eye
caught the figures of two females at
the far end of the car, and he edged
along down to see if anything was
wanted in his line. The two were
naafhnp md In.,~IF@u ~ II 1-A.--
didn't look well.
Did h fall down the cellar stairs
or pitch off the haymow?' kindly in
CURED Uncle Jerry as he sat down on
the rail of the seat.
Are We speakin' of me darter?'' de-
manded the mother.
"Zactly. Doesn't look just right for
this time of the year. If I'd only
thought I'd brung along a bunch o
mayweed and told ye how to make tea
of it. Beats all creation how mayweed
takes the kinks out of the system. She
amt In luv, is she?"
"Sirl'
"Naybur o mine had a gal about her
age who began to ravel out and fade
away. They put horseradish drafts to
her feet, mustard plasters to her neck
and dosed her with catnip, mayweed
and sage tea, but she continued to flake
off and fade in the wash and finally
died. When too late they diskiyered
she had all along bin in luy with Bill
Halves, my hired man, who was so
gaul burned bashful that he dassn't
say a word about it. Better begin to
aunt around the grass and see if some-
thin of that sort amt troublin' her.
You old %critter, go away from here
with yer blarney or III be the death OF
vel? shouted the mother, and as re
jumped back she pulled the girl out
into the aisle beside her and MaYed