davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09
PROUD OF THEIR MODEL SON
Of eourae He Was Young, but Just Then His Habits Were Abso-
 lutely irreproachable.

".Ah. well, wife" said John Rumbles, the honest farmer, though our corn was stricken with qunsy this year, and OUT pigs all got the ear disease. and our cahbages were ull hollow, and our wheat had appendicitis, we have the consolation of knowing that We have model son. Just think, Roland has never smoked cigarette in his whole life.
 Nor anything else, for that mat ter replied Susan. his honest wife. And he would no more think of talk ing strong drink than he would of fly ing"
 "True,' asserted Honest John, with q sickly smile And the regular hours he keeps !'
 'Yes' put in Honest Susan, eagerly. "To bed right after supper every night regular as cloekwork <.
 And for while John smoked in con templative silence. while Susan knit ted away in her easy chair.
 But of course, there's this" said John at length We can't tell how he'll be later on. We must remember he's only six months old
 "Ah. John. We mustn't borrow trou- ble Ne have enough already. good ness knows" snlekered Susan.-De- troit Free Press.
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09
KNOCKOUT FOR MIR. BROWN
His Better Halfs Story of Experience With Lottery Certainly Not
 Fatterng to Him.

Mrs. Brown has a special horror of lotteries, and at all times and places she embraces every opportunity of holding forth with vchemence concern ing this pet abomination. Her indig nation will therefore be imagined when. one evening. her worthy spouse came home and proudly announced that he had joined goose club. For something like an hour she poured the vials of wrath at her unfortunate hus- bands head. while he endeavored meellly to bear it all
 At last the warmth of the attack proved quite too much for the longer during John, and he decided that the time had come for him to fire up In re- turn.
 q suppose, my dear" said he, en- deavoring to be sarcastic, you were never in q lottery. were you?"
 But. alas for the speaker! Mrs. Brown turned upon him with wither- ing seorn.
 "Once. John. and only once." said she. ''They say. as you know, that marriage is lottery. Well. I went in for that and I myself won goose r'- London Tit-Bits.
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09
HAD ALL SHE COULD STAND
Despite Possible Proposal, "Young "OId Maid' Was Unable to Put
 Up With Bore

Iole is new and charming corre- Spondent who describes herself as "a rather young old maid in whom the eager desire for matrmony is almost Overbalanced by an unfortunate sense of the ridiculousness of all masculine beings Her letter relating some re cent experiences with male bores and zanies is too long 10 reproduce. We print this brief excerpt
 "EIe talked of socialism from s 30 to 9 30, of the war from then till 0:30, of Bernard Shaw and how he is diff ferent from Chesterton till II :30-and then of psychic therapeuticsl
 "T am. you know he interjected, connected With the Emmanuel move ment'
 You surprise me, I murmured
 "'Why should you be surprised that I am interested in so absorbing q sub ject?' he demanded And I'm afraid glanced at the clock as 1 an swered:
 "T didn't imagine you could be con nected with any sort of a-er-move- mentr
 But isn't it too bad? I think he would have proposed if I'd let him talk another hour or soi"
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09

at the right side. There is no girdle but rectangular piece of the fabric takes the place of one at the back. It is ornamented with three buttons at each side.
 It will be noticed that the skirt ex- tends below the shoetops, but lacks muSh of reaching the instep. This length is approved by style makers, but many women cling to the shorter skirts. and. since feet are so daintily clad, there is every reason for allowing them thls privilege.
 The ingenuity of those who create new caps and negligees and other dain- ty belongings for womankind has been put to it's annual test. Before the holidays these luxuries that women love blossom out at their best, and they must be like and unlike those that have helped make other holiday times radiant. Whether they were ever more beautiful or not cannot be deter mined. It is certain they were never
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09
Frosty Air Aids Hear;nu.

Science says that the loudness O sound varies inyersely as the square of the distance, says the Populai Science Monthly. This is merely an other way of saying that if you walk three times as far away from the source of the sound as you were be fore, it's loudness will be not one-thirG what it was. but one-ninth what it was for nine is the square of three.'
 On the other hand, the density of the medium which conveys sound is very important. On q frosty night the air is dense. One consequence of this is that an automobile runs better, be. cause the negine gets larger supplies of oxygen. Another result is that sounds are heard more loudly How ever. the report of a gun high up in the mountains is like the sound of an exploded tirecracker.
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09
CAL0MEL S|CKENS!
 ITS MERCURY! DANGER
Dodsons Liver one SghenS You Up Better Than SWatg Dangerous Caome and Doesn't Make You SiCk-Don Lose Days Work
 Wonderful Discovery Destroying Sale of CaIomeI Here.

You're bilious Your liver is sluggishl You feel lazy, dizzy and all knocked out. Your head IS dull, your tongue is coated, breath bad; stomach sour and bowels constipated But don't take sali- vating calomel It makes you sick, you may lose a days work
 Calomel is mercury or quicksilver which causes necrosis of the bones. Calomel crashes into sour bile like dynamite. breaking it up. That's when you feel that awful nausea and eramping
 Ii you want to enjoy the incest gentlest liver and bowel cleansing you ever experienced just take a spoonful of harmless Dodson's Liver Tone to- night Your druggist or dealer sells you 50 cent bottle of Dodson's Liver Tone under my personal money-back guarantee that each spoon
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09
Fixing for Company.

Mrs. Shimmerpate said, as she fast ened her husbands tie:
 Before you % downtown, dear, there are a few things wish you would do for me
 Yes, dear. What are they?" "Take the cat and dog over to Mrs. UmSon's.'
 Yes"
 'Fasten the pump handle with q paddock"
 Yes
 Put the garden hose in the attie' "Yes.''
 Hide the apples in the eistern. Yes
 Put q wire fence around the rose bush"
 Here Here!"
 And nail down the barn" ''Fortheloveofmike. dear, what's the matter?"
 Your sister is coming over to spend the day and she is bringing her six boys with her. Lampoon.
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09
dor of gold or silver cloth, yelled with the sheerest fabrics or laces.

dor of gold or silver cloth, yelled with the sheerest fabrics or laees.
 There is nothing prettier for the short boudoir or breakfast coat than either plain or printed crepe or soft silk, with the limpest of silk lace draped over it. Tassels or pendant or naments made of silver or gold cloth, and ribbon, as always, are found in company with these materials.
 Two pretty caps are shown in the picture given here. At the right an open-meshed silk lace with crepe de chine make the cap, and small ehif- fon roses add touches of color to it. The lace is caught back at each side of the face by them. Small flower like pendants on a silver cord are made of silver tissue, and they furnish and weight the hanging ends of lace. This cap is very easy to make. for the lace and crepe are pasted together and given to the hemstitcher to be set to- gether by machine stitching.
 The cap at the right is made of net-top lace, with the plain edge frilled about the face and the escalloped edge overlapping the plain edge of second strip of lace. At the crown of the
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09


 A recipe given by famous phy- sician for long life was: keep the kidneys in good order Try to elimi- nate through the skin and intestlnes the poisons that otherwise clog the Kid neys. Avoid eating meat as much as possible; avoid too much salt, alcohol, tea. Drink plenty of water"
 For those past middle life, for those easily recognized symptoms Of imam, !, nation, as backache, scalding water, or If uric acid in the blood has caused rheumatism, rusty" joints, stiffness, get Anuric at the drug store. This IS a wonderful eliminator of uric acid and was discovered by Dr. Pierce of h. valids' Hotel, Buffalo, N. Y. If your druggist does not keep 1t send lo cents to pr. Pierce for trial package ana you will know that 1t is many times more potent than nthia and that It dis solves uric acid as hot water does suGar.
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09

ful will clean your sluggish liver better than a dose of nasty calomel and that 1t won't make you sick.
 Dodsons Liver Tone is real liver medicine. You'll know 1t next morning because you will wake up feeling fine, your liver will be working, your headache and dizziness gone, your stomach will be sweet and your bowels regular You will feel like working; you'll be cheerful; full of vigor and ambition
 Dodson's Liver Tone is entirely vegetable, therefore harmless, and can not saliVate Give it to your children. Millions of people are using Dodson's Liver Tone instead of dangerous calomel now. Your druggist will tell you that the sale of calomel IS almost stopped entirely here-Adv.
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09
Educated Rooster.

"Spzzerinktum" is an odd name even for rooster but this rooster Is no ordinary fowl. The bird comes from strain of Barred Plymouth rocks, WAS matched last May and weighs six pounds. He Is owned by E. F. Bennett of Hartford City, who refuses to part with his prizewinner at any price. Judges at various fairs where he has been shown have told the owner that he is Il most promising bird, and this is borne out by the fact that S100 has been offered for him.
 Spizzerinktum9 is also an educated fowl. One of his chief delights Is rid ing the seat of a specially constructed wagon and holding the reins over eight boys who act as steeds for him. He drove this team In the centennial pa rade at Hartford City.-Indianapolis News.
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09
Confirmed Suspicion.

Uncle Nose was one of those omnis- cient persons who always refuse to ac- knowledge either astonishment or ig- norance. When the circus and the sideshow came 10 town and the pres tidigitator called for someone to go up on the stage. Nose was pushed for ward. Presently the magician was talk ing various wonderful articles out of Moses garments Lastly, he extracted q pair of white rabbits from Moses bushy wool
 Weren't you surprised at the rab- bits, Mose?" asked his master, after ward.
 .tNo, sah." Nose answered. Fact is, sah, I'd been suspectin' dey's some rab- bits up there fo' some time"
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09
Too Much of a Strain.

It was little Martha's bedtime. and she was being tucked in, but she was inclined to delay the process by some thing she had to tell her mother Sey- eral times she attempted to tell her mother, but each time was told to close her eyes and mouth tight and go to sleep. Finally in desperation, But. mother, I want to tell you.'
 'No, dear. It is time for you to go ing"
 But, mother, I just can't hold it in my mouth all night"
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09
IncorriQible Elirt,

A newly married couple have just moved into bungalow in what the real estate people call "a new develop ment" near New York. The benevolent land company runs an electric ear from the property to the railway station. This car, which tike the Toonervllle trolley) meets all trains, is manned. as usual, by conductor and motor man both of whom are naturally on very friendly terms with the patrons. The other day the brides mother came to visit her. She noticed that her daughter often waved greeting to- ward the electric car as it passed the house. "Why, Gladys" said the old lady. do you know all the conductors on this line already y7'-Exchange.
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09
Split the Verdict.

With faces solemn and stern, the good men and true" took their places in the jury box.
 Well. gentlemen" asked the judge. "are you agreed upon your verdict?"
 We are, my lord" replied the fore man.
 Do you find the prisoner guilty or not guilty?"
 We do"
 You dom exclaimed the judge startled Do what?"
 "We find the prisoner guilty or not guilty" replied the foreman seriously
 "But-but you can't return such a verdict" eXpostulated the judge.
 Well, I'm afraid we've got to-" said the foreman sadly. You see, my lord, six of us find him guilty, while the other six think he's not so we've agreed to let it go at that."-Ex- change.
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09
Beware of the Dou,

A policeman taking his usual round espied in the back premises of one house a dog-kennel.
 Seeing the lady occupant of the house busying herself outside, he ques- toned her as to whether she had d li- eense, and was informed in the nega- tive.
 "Oh ,n said the officer, "I will call again in few days
 True 10 his word, few days hence he presented himself at the front door of the lady's house, and demanded of her the license.
 T have none,' she said
 Well" said he, ."I shall have to prosecute you
 For what?7 inquired the lady
 For what, Why. of course, for keeping Il dog without license
 "Oh" !" reioined the lady, manifesting a bit of amusement, T only keep a ken nel il saves me from being annoyed so much with beggars.'
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09
WelI-Dressed Woman.

A well-put-together woman seen in Fifth avenue the other day in the morn ing hour wore covert cloth suit plait- ed and belted but on today's lines; a cross fox flat animal neck boa, which harmonized with the tan of the covert exactly, and balloon tam of velvet, with one of the new wells which have the plain blue mesh over the face and the tan embroidery in spiral leaf de- sign over the hat crown only-New York Herald
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09
Vanishing Trick.

The noted friends of noted magi- elan were his guests at dinner.
 You do some wonderful things on the stage" one of the friends observed. but I am inclined to think you are handicapped when you are away from your apparatus
 ITO an extent. yes" the magician admitted. but there are many things I can do anywhere on q moments no- tice."
 Let us see you do something now"
 All right, take for instance this steak, the Brussels sprouts and the sa- lad"
 Yes"
 'In q very few minutes we will cause all of them to entirely disappear"
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09
Plenty More.

fieHtJ wore.
 A1gy MOntmorency decided to have some boxing lessons. He is one of those tall, thin, nervous people who sometimes manage to ge Il reputation for great energy by reasol of the fact that they are physically incapable of sitting still for more thal Il minute at time.
 Having found q broken-nosed pro lessor" he began his lessons in the no ble art, SC called. He had wonderful belief i'll his own powers of learning and after third lesson began to thinl that boxing was q very much over rated accomplishment.
 IL WAS too easy.
 He therefore began to hit out. am on one occasion. having made luck. shot. found himself on his back on th floor
 T say, l say" quoth he, in tht jerky manner of his kind. T say. vol know, it's not necessary to knock mG down like that, is it?'
 Bless you, no, guv'norn answered the bull=headed professor. Get up ane Ill show you thirteen other ways!"
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09
In W0man'S Realm
Formal Suit That Has the Merit of Distinction Through Novelty Is Costume Designed for the Afternoon, Velvet or Other Fabrics-Dany Caps for Wear
 in the Boudoi

A formal suit may arrive at distinc- ton through novelty in material or un- usual and original design or by means of beauty in style and finish. Here is one that has drawn upon all these sources, and it presents a stunning con ception carefully worked out. The formal suit like the onepiece froek
 worn with furs, affords a distinguished costume for afternoon and for any thing the afternoon may bring. It is worn with costume blouse and is
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09
Metal Effects Seen.

Gold and silver. brilliant. furnished, soft and bright luster, embroidered in gorgeous silks, on modest serges, on filmy laces. are more in evidence than ever in new winter materials. Wher- ever one looks in the shops there Is the glitter of precious metals. It hits the eye and leaves an impression on the brain that every one will be aglit- ter in this winters garb. In fact, the robe for day. as well as evening, which has not some touch of shimmering brilliancy will not seem right.
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09
Virtuous Youth.

Congratulations my boy" said the attorney, you have inherited nice little fortune"
 "Yes," assented the fortunate youth.
 T suppose you will pay lot of your debts now?"
 Il had thought of 1t, but concluded to make ano change in my manner of living. don't want to be accused of vulgar display"
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09
cUTICURA COMFORTS BABY
Suffering From Itching, Burning
 Rashes, Eczema, etc. Trial Free.

Give baby bath with hot water and Cuticura Soap, using plenty of Soap. Dry lightly and apply Cuticura Oint- ment gently to all affected parts h. stant relief follows and baby falls into refreshing sleep, the first perhaps in weeks Nothing more effective.
 Free sample eachby mail with Book. Address postcard Cutieura, Dept. L, Boston. Sold everywhere.-Adv.
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09

more beautifully made or more alluringly dainty.
 Soft silks or satins, silk crepe chif- fon lace and ribbon, as in times past are the mediums in which designers work out their inspirations. Silver tfs- sue and silver laces and other things that possess simmer and gleam ex- tend their field of usefulness beyond the dinner and dance costume to do a little twinkling in the boudoir cap And even negtigee assumes the splen-
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09

it-could hardly keep up at all. I was much improved in health by using this medicine; it did me world of good. I give much of the credit of my permanent gain to this great rem edy."-MRS. E. c. BELL, 811 West Markham St.
 Get Favorite Prescription today liquid or tablets-from your druggist. Ingredients on wrapper.-Adv.
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09

head the lace is gathered into a rosette. The cap is as simple as can bon is stitched to the net top of the lace, about two inches in from the edge, to form a casing for small flat elastic. This is inserted and the lace frilled on it. At the back q rosette and two ends of ribbon shelter q lit tie spray of tiny flowers Three little wheel bows of narrow ribbon are set about the face, one in front and one at each side of the cap. just above the frill.
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09
Sorry She Spoke.

"John," she said sternly, father said he saw you this morning going into pawnbroker's with large bun dle."
 Her sutor flushed. Then he replied in low voice:
 "Yes, that is true. I was taking the pawnbroker some of my old clothes. You see, he and his wife are awfully hard up"
 "0h, John, forgive me p exclaimed the young girl. How truly noble you are ni
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09
Wise Younester.

Little Dick-What are you cutting out of that paper?
 Little Johnny-Something I don't want mamma to see.
 What is it?"
 Ifs an article that says wooden slippers are coming into fashion,"
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09

Il6TCt S Y ApOTlIe Prescription. A physician in Mon roe ga We m e the Prescription when other reme- dies failed. I took seven bottles, us- ing it for three months. I was in poor shape when
 I started tO take
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09
Disappointment.

What made the man kill the goose who laid the golden egg?"
 "I can only guess at 1t. Maybe food was costing so much that he got re- sentful because the bird kept handing him old metal instead of regular eggs"
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09
Testimony from Oklahoma.

laTon, okla- When began to take Lydia E. Pnkham's vegetable Compound seemed good nothing tired easy ana a much the time and irregular again before my 1e ch was born and did good at that tme never fail to Lydia Vegetable Compound to ang has done much for me"-Mrs. A. L. MeCAsLASD 509 Have St. IaWton Okla
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09
Element of Uncertainty.

How do you think your state is go- ing next election?"
 "We're going to have a walkover," replied Senator Sorghum. But I'm not quite sure which of us is going to get walked on."
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09
RED cRoss-eoopNEss YES.

Red Cross Ball Blue. yes. Nothing else will do. Red Cross Ball Blue makes my clothes a beautiful clear white, not the dingy yellow green tnge of liquid blue. Red Cross Ball Blue for me. Yes sire, Bob.-Adv.
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09

:, :, North Crandon is-aWhen I was 16 years f6s 4d got 5nd married n f and IS years birth to owns 4 ana It lett me with very poor health Ieould not walk across the floor without having to sit down to rest and it was hard for me to keep about ana do my work. l went to doctor and he told me had displacement and ulcers and would have to have an operation. This frightened me so much that did not know what to do Having heard of Lydia E. Pnkham's Vegetable Compound thought would give it a trial and it made me as well as ever cannot say enough in favor of the
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09
"EiftY-Fifty.h

In Cornwall, England, there was a case involving the ownership of an eight-day clock. After listening to the parties the judge said to the plaintiff : You get the clock
 What do I get?" asked the defend ant.
 You get the eight days"
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09
PROMPT REllEE

can be found in cases of Colds, Coughs. LaGrippe and Headaches by using Laxative Quinidine Tablets. Does not affect the head or stomach. Buy your winters supply now. Price 25c.-Ady.
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09

Colombia faces deficit for the com- ing year of $1,634,4S5.
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09

New Zealand is preparing to sow a large acreage in wheat.
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09

We like or dislike persons, not so much for what they are as for what they radiate.
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09

Alabama ranks first among the southern states us q producer of min erals.
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09

Life is q dream in this world that is cOntiNued in the next.
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09
From a Grateful Massachusetts Woman

Roxbury, Mass.-"I was suffering from inf1am- nation and was examined by physician who found that my trouble was caused by a displacement My symptoms were bearing down pains, backache, and sluggish liver. tried several kinds of medi- cine; then was asked to try Lydia F. Pinkham's Vegetable Compound. It has cured me and I am pleased to be in my usual good health by using it and highly recommend it"-Blrs. B. NJ OsaooD, 1 Haynes Park, Roxbury, Mass.
 If you want special advice write to Lydia
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09

To avoid criticism say nothing evil about your neighbors.
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09
NEWS Ut LITTLE KUCK

Little Rock, Ark.-"When I lived in I had occasion to use Dr.
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09

Rich veins of zinc are said to exist in all parts of Japan.
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09
Tealtk for
 :S3iick 1Nomen
For Forty Years Lydia E. Pinkham's Vegetable Compound Has Been Woman's Most Reliable Medicine Here is More Proof.

To women who are suffering from some form of "onahs sPecal ls and have constant fear of breaking down. the three following letters ought to bring hope
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09

Every time man scores failure he realizes how little he amounts to.
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09
Shop Talk.

Kate Is bundle of nerves" 'I thought she looked done up."- Boston Transcript.
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09
G4Au RzzaaAz ( ~ I
In Excellent aste.

Silver trimmings are in excellent taste for this seasons black and white hats.
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09

D. Pinkham Medicine Go. 1confdentiaD Lynn, Your
 letter will be opened read and answered
 fricfp
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09

Cuba annually imports about 600,- 100000 feet of lumber.
The Monticellonian., 1916-11-09
To Liue Long!

Canada has 35.5s2 miles of railway.