Iowa County democrat. [volume] (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1877-1938, 1916-01-20

child turn HarOun in his grave. III NOT
so then the assertion should do so, the
zeal caliph having been a wit and a
scholar and therefore hater of puDs.
How properly to alleviate the trou-
bles Of the poor is one Of the greatest
troubles Of the rich But one thing,
agreed upon by all professional philan-
thropisL5 is that you must never hand
over any cash to your subject. The
poor are VIGOROUSLY temperamental,
and when they get money they exhibit
a strong tendency to spend it for stuff
ed olives and enlarged crayOn portraits
instead OF giving it to the installment
man.
And still old Haroun had some adj
VantageS as an eleemOSynarian. He
took around with him on his rambles
his vizier, Giafar Ga viZier is a compo-
site Of q chauffeur, q secretary Of state
and a night and day bank, and old
Uncle Mesrour, his eXecutioner, who
toted a snickersnee. With this en-
tourage a caliphing tour could hardly
fail to be successful. Have you no.
tfced lately any newspaper articles
headed "What Shall We Do With Our
EX-preSidentS :" Well. now, suppose
Mr. Carnegie should engage them and
Jess Willard to go about assisting in
the distribution Of free libraries? Do
you suppose any town would have the
hardihood to refuse one? That caliph-
alous combination would cause two
libraries to grow where there had been
only one set OF e. 2. Roe's works be-
fore.
But, as | said, the money caliphs
are handicapped. They have the idea
that earth has no sorrow that dough
cannot heal, and they rely upon it sole
ly All Raschid administered justice,
rewarded the deserving and punished
whomsoever he disliked on the spot.
He was the originator of the short
story contest. Whenever he Succored
any chance pickup in the baZaars he
always made the succOree tell the
sad story of his life. If the narrative
lacked construction, style and esprit
he commanded his viZer to dole him
out couple of thousand ten dollar
notes of the First National Bank of
the Bosporus, or else gave him soft
job as Keeper of the Bird Seed for the
BulbulS in the Imperial Gardens. If
the story was a crackerjack he had
Mesrour, the eXecutioner, whack off
his head. The report that Haroun Al
Raschid is yet alive and is editing the
magazine that your grandmother used
to subscribe for lacks confirmation.
And now follows the STORY of the
Millionaire" "The Inefficacious Incre
ment' and THE Babes Drawn From
the Wood"
Young Howard Pilkins, the million
aire, got his money ornithOlogically.
He was Il shrewd judge of storks and
got in on the ground floor at the resi-
dence of his immediate ancestors, the
Pilkins Brewing company. For his
mother was Il partner in the business.
Finally old man pilkinS died from a
torpid liver. and then Mrs. Pilkins died
from worry on account of torpid de-
livery wagOnS-and there you have
young Howard PilkinS with 100000
and Il good fellow at that. He was
an agreeable, modestly arrogant young
man, who implicitly believed that
money could buy anything that the
world had to offer. And Bagdad-on-
he-Subway for long time did every
thing possible to encourage his belief.
But the rat trap caught him at last.
He heard the spring snap and found
his heart il wire cage regarding a
piece of cheese whose other name was
Alice Won der RuySling.
The Won der Ruyslings still live in
that little square about which SO much
has been said and in which SO little
has been done. Today you hear of Mr..
Tilden's underground passage, and you
hear Mr.. Gould'S elevated passage, and
that about ends the noise in the world
made by Gramercy square. But once
it was different. The Won der Rugs
ings live there yet, and they received
The first key ever made to Gramercy
park.
You shall have no description of Alice
'. d. r. Just call up in your mind
he picture of your own Maggie or Vera
)r Beatrice, straighten her nose. soften
Ter voice, tone her down and then tone
Ter up, make her beautiful and unat-
ainable, and you have a faint dry
)oint etching of Alice. The family
,wned a crumbly brick house an5 q,
.oachman named Joseph in coat or
many colors, and horse so old that
le claimed to belong to the order of
he Perissodactyla, and had toes in
tead of hoofs. In the year 1898 the
amily had to buy a new set of har-
less for the Perissodactyl. Before
sing it they mace Joseph smear it
yer with mixture of ashes and SCOT.
was the Won der Ruysling family
hat bought the territory between the
sowery and East river and Rivington
treet and the Statue of Liberty, in the