davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1915-12-18
PADDY READY WITH EXCUSE
Caught in the Act, He Had His An
swer as II II Had Been
Rehearsed.

merchant who suspected an Irish
man in his employ of tampering with
the private stock OF whisky allowed
the demijohn to become empty, and.
instead of filing It again. put the
liquor in bottles in cupboard, and
labeled them Poison
One night, as he came home from
the theater. he caught the fellow in
the act. Selling the bottle in mock
terror. the employer exclaimed:
Great heavens, Do you know what
you are doing? Don't you see that
what that bottle contains is marked
Poison"
Paddy held it Off and looked at It.
Then he smelt Il with a look OF mel
ancholy. replied:
"'Tain't poison, sir! It's meself
that's foiled agin."
How dare you tamper with II
whether you knew 1t was poison or
not?'
IT'S like this, sir. From the way
yer honor emptied that demijohn in
| the cellar thought you had your sus
| picions of me. an it made me melan
choly, so thought, yer honor, I'd com
NIT suicide
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1915-12-18
NOT RIGHT KIND OF FOWL
Meant to Put Finishing Touch
on Entertainment.

Now. ladies and gentlemen" said
the conjurer. trying to make his husky
voice impressive. Il will conclude my
entertainment with truly a wonderful
trick. 1t is feat which must be seen
to be believed
After lot of difficulty he borrowed
a shabby silk hat from his village
audience. Turning Il upside down 20
prove there was nothing inside. he
next placed it brim uppermost on his
little table and proceeded to produce
12 eggs from its depths.
The audience watched with cog
Cling eyes. and then burst into wild
applause.
And now" the magician went on
bowling his thanks. Il will show you
that. although the hat is empty. there
is inside 1t the hen that laid those
eggs"
Putting his hand into the hat he
withdrew a futtering, sGuawking fowl
which he placed on the table. and
turned to face the applause.
Instead there was a wild yell OF
laughter He turned In amazement
which changed to horror when the
fowl shrieked:
"Cocka-doodle-do-o!" - Philadelphia
Record.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1915-12-18

II would be the proper thing.
Il have my duty to the children OF
this world. and 1 must not impair my
health or my power OF service to them
by the strenuous work demanded in
the movies No doubt | would prove
a very popular star at the children 8
matinees, But | wonder il the chill
dren who see me in their dreams do
not get a better and more fiattering
idea of me than they would in the
picture.
You see. my dear sir, the camera
does not lie. | am sure II would not
lie for me when it will not tell false
hoods about the appearance OF kings
and potentates. Every child in the
world thinks OF me as a very hand
some old gentleman. Some of them
may have an idea that am inclined
to be little stout-but a good many
others imagine | have as graceful a
form as that of young soldier. They
think i curl my wniskers and have a
beautiful wave in my long, silky locks.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1915-12-18
Got Out Of the Difficulty.

Some time ago local corps was re-
viewed by Sir Ian Hamilton. and there
is a story told that one of the officers
was mounted on a horse that had pre-
viously distinguished itself in a
bakery business.
A wag in the crowd is supposed TO
have recognized the horse. for he
shouted out. Baker," The horse
promptly stopped dead, and nothing
could urge 1t on. The situation was
getting painful. when the officer was
struck with a brilliant idea. and re
marked. within hearing OF his steed ;
Not today. thank you"
The procession then moved on with
out further delay.-Londop Mail.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1915-12-18
Busy.

Please, Mrs. Brown" said the lit
tie girl from the house next door,
mother says would you be kind
enough to come over and take care Of
baby for little while?"
why certainly" replied MrB.
Brown. 'Is your mother ill?"
Nom, but she's writing a paper on
The Proper Care of Infants and she's
afraid she won't be able to get It done
in time to read before the Mothers
club tomorrow afternoon"
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1915-12-18
TOO Speedy for a Guaranty.

Joy Rider stopped by rural con
stablcl Haven't we got any right left
in this country? Doesn't the cOnsti
tuition guarantee us life. liberty and
the pursuit of happiness?
CUnstable-It don't guarantee ne
man the pursuit Of happiness at 81
miles an hour"
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1915-12-18

BREAD WITHOUT SALT IS TkSTElESS
A medicine chest without Magic Ar
MICA Linimept is useless. Best OF all
lniments for sprains. swellings,
bruises. rheumatism and neuralgia.
Three sizes, Csc. soc and sl.00.-Ady.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1915-12-18
A Christmas Prayer.

i've me the eyes to see my brothers woe
Grant me the vision that perceiveo his
are
that l. amid my Christmas joys. may go
And take some touch of mitigation
there.
;od point the way that l may quickly
find
Ills acre waiting for the glad rslie.,
nd ope my eyes that l may not " blind
To tasks of love that ease the sting OF
grief.
John Kendrick Bangs.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1915-12-18

Il understand Reggie Van Boob has
gone on the stage in spite of the siren
uous objections of his family"
Yes, but now that the public has
seen him. it has taken sides with the
family and he'll have to retire"
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1915-12-18
-Chdrie, Dickens

AS two little girls were hurrying to
school, one of them saw a discarded
Christmas tree in an ash barrel.
Lizzie" said she, do you think
Santa Claus is a myth"
Certainly not" retorted her COM
panion, glancing sharply at her. San
ia Claus is a mister. What makes you
lisp so?"
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1915-12-18
Including Himself.

Wife-What do you say to our TAX
ing baby to church with us this morn
ing?
Hub-No, no; she might wake peo-
pie up.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1915-12-18
No Occasion for Roasting.

Il hear Mamie trowed you down.
"Aw, she needn't brag. been
trowed down by better girls dan Ma
ME. Life
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1915-12-18
Old Custom Still Prevails.

Old Custom Still Prevails.
The Christmas feeding Of the birds
IL stu prevalent In many Of the prov
inces Of Norway and Sweden. Bunches
of oats sre placed On the roofs OF
houses. on trees and fences. to fur
nish them with their share Of the
Christmas bounty.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1915-12-18
DON'T SNIFFIEI

You can rid yourself of that cold in
the head BY taking Laxative Quinidine
Tablets. Price 25c. Also used in
cases Of La Grip" and for severe
headaches. Remember that.-Adv.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1915-12-18

OUR information is in
part correct" said San
Ia Claus. receiving the
interviewer in the IL
brary of his ice palace.
1t is true that have
received several tlatter-
ing offers to star in
moving picture produc-
tons. Rut IL is not
true that | have ac-
cepted any one of these
propositions. | am still
in doubt as to whether
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1915-12-18

A schemer points out the silver lin
ing OF a cloud-and then proceeds to
swipe your umbrella.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1915-12-18
LADIES!
Take CAPUDlNE-

For Aches. Pains and Nervousness
TT IS NOT A NARCOTIC OR DOPE
Given quick reiicf-Try it.-Adv.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1915-11-18
IN THE ADAMLEss EDEN

New York Correspondence Pittsburg Dis
 batch.
 To venture into the Martha Washington hotel on a wet day is like attending quilting bee There is woman for every seat in the spacious reception room. and all are engaged in crocheting or plying the needle on fancy work or garment. Above the buzzing sound you hear a voice here and there saying, T intend to have mine made this or that way.'' When a man inquiries for a guest in this Adam legs Eden. he is the exposure of eyes of every hue, and there Is a Hull in the bug zing until front" calls the name of the person you desire to see Then the guests resume their knitting and talking. Pag- ing woman in the womans hotel is more difficult than paging man. There is one place you are sure to find your man when he is not in his room. That is in the liquid end of the establishment But there is no cafe in this feminine hos telry, So the page girl has to go down the corridors to the milliners. the dress makers. the hairdressers, the manicures and the nut sundae counter, calling the name and the number of the room in a subdued tone. And if the page does not find the party at any of these places, there is the telephone booth to look as a last resort.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1915-11-18
ALABAMA ATTACK ON WILSON

From the Mobile Register.
 The Greensboro Waterman has de- clared prohibition the paramount issue in the coming national campaign, and as MT. Wilson sided with MT. Under wood against MT. Hobson in the cam paign for the senatorship, he has 'lined up with the liquor contingent" accord ing to the Waterman, and that's enough to damn him as a candidate for re- nomination.
 Is it not rather a stretch of the truth for the Watchman to say that MT. Will son, who shook hands with MT. Murphy, along with hundreds of other persons whom he met at the Manhattan club banquet, is now "hand-in-glove with Murphy and Tammany Hall?"
 But why construe in such particular at all? Did not the Watchman's ideal. MT. Hobson, take part with the repub- licans in the Maine campaign and fight against the election of nominees of the democratic party? "Hand-in-glove' with republicans ought to be worse than the like relations with even the worst of democrats.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1915-11-18
DEATH OF FATHER TIME

creed the overturn. It had been no common thing in great railroad t rninal to present a clock with two fac with times perhaps 12 minutes apart, for a road going east and the other a road going west. MT. Aliens idea ' to unify these into zones. having Il just one hour apart. He divided the co, try on that basis, so as to make smallest possible inconvenience in varied localities. And the railroads formal conference adopted his schems
 Old timers take satisfaction in recs ing the indignant protests which country made over things when they < rived that are now taken as @ matter course. There is the Australian ball Ministers preached against 1t. Voters every town, declaring themselves insl ed by it's requirements. vowed that tl would not again cast a ballot until tl absurdity had been removed. Some them relertee. Others stayed away. ] he secret ballot'' remained.
 The trolley car likewise had it's b tie to make. It's chief offense came frightening horses, and as they had b' on the road longer. their owners fell certain ligft of precedence. And overhead wires deservedly encounte hostility. But the public has finally used to them, and the horse now regal tho broomstick train as the very le of his troubles.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1915-11-18

the last Congress it would behoove the democrats in this Congress to pursue policy of retrenchment. That cer- tainly would be the correct policy ordinarily. But it would be false economy to keep this country in a state of unpreparedness to defend it. self in the event of foreign attack simply because necessary preparation costs a great deal of money. As the matter stands now a decisive majority in Congress for the administration programme is assured. How the money shall be raised will exercise the brains of statesmen expert in fiscal business; but the problem will be solved without placing a grievous burden upon those who have to pro- duce the needed revenue.
 As 1916 is a national convention year, Congress will expedite business as much as possible in order that an early adjournment may be had. But while the defense measures are under discussion there will be few dull mo- ments in Washington.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1915-11-18
Prosperity at Hand

All over the United States prosperity prevails said I. F. Alofsin of New York, who passed through Birmingham yester- day.
 'I am just completing q trip through the west and south, and find everybody in excellent humor. The idea prevails that the incoming year will be year Of plenty. This sentiment following on the heels of the year of depression, means a great deal. It means that business men will make money, and that homes and industrial enterprises will so up.
 'I am very anxious to return to New York. This is the gay season in Gotham. And with everybody feeling prosperity, I know the old town is fairly bubbling over with mischief. I am always glad to see Birmingham. Of course. prohibition is dimming the lights of the city, but Bir- mingham is strong enough to weather this or any other storm. The period of fana tical legislation will have its end just as everything else has it's end'' z
The Birmingham age-herald., 1915-11-18
Finishing a Great Campaign

The final steps in the rejuvenatlon campaign of the Birmingham Cham- Der of Commerce are being taken this week.
 Already approximately 1900 mem hers have been enrolled for three wears and the annual income ot the chamber has been almost trebled.
 The campaign committee, however, has the names of fully 800 citizens who would make most desirable mem- hers but who from one cause or an- other have not yet had the subject formally presented to them.
 This week special efforts are being made to reach these men. The work deserves the encouragement and effort of every citizen. With the dawning era of prosperity in this district there will be a greater field of endeavor for the Chamber of Commerce than ever be- fore. Every public spirited citizen should be willing and glad to assist in this work.
 The Birmingham Chamber of Con- merce should have 2O00 members and this number can be reached by the proper effort and cooperation this week.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1915-11-18
The Hour Has Struck

Events in the Balkans are shaping themselves rapidly and it is probable that decisions of far-reaching import ance will be made within the next day or two. The latest reports indicate that Roumania, after long hesitation, is inclining to the side of the central powers, while Greece, by modifying her attitude toward the allies, shows that she is yielding to the pressure that has been brought to bear on her.
 There is much confusion in the dis patches from what is now the scene of the most vital struggle in the war. With the Kaiser directing the opera tions of the Teuton armies in person. to offset the Influence of Kitchener, the situation in the Balkans assumes additional importance, for neither the Kaiser nor Kitchener would be there if it were not fully realized by both the allies and the central powers that the real test is at hand.
 There is practical deadlock every where else. In the Balkans the future of Europe will doubtless be decided.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1915-11-18
pRAIsAOF CIDER

From the Philadelphia Public Ledger.
 They will tell you, up New England way, that whenever you drink 1t. you must stop after the first long luscious drarght and say. "'z peart good cider for this time of year" It is neither q formula nor convention, because the heart is in it. It is a sacrament.
 Because, whether you take the concoc- ton, which is not brew one day after apples have been preAsed and the spice been prepared, or you wait until the roar ing nights of winter to sip it, with cheese on tho side in the shape of pumpkin head. it is. 1t unquestionably Is, peart good cider for that or for any time of year. Cider is always made from the apples of Eden-not those from the tree of good and evil, but those from the tree of wisdom.
 Pennsylvania, too has it's apples. golden and red and round. And this is cider time in the city, when the rustic of fal- len leaves and breath of the sting of November come mp from the glass.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1915-11-18
The Commission and the Suburbs

The Commission and the Suburbs
 The city commission acted wisely when it decided to visit outlying sec tions at stated periods and there hold informal meetings.
 It win meet in Ensley Monday, and cordial invitation is extended to civic organizations and individual cit izens of that large and progressive community to be present at the sitting for the purpose of getting in closer touch with Birmingham's admisistra- tive body. Every one who has a com plaint or a suggestion to make will be invited to Speak out"
 As Birmingham covers an area of 50 square miles, large part of the pop ulation resides at a considerable dis tance from the city's central district.
 Group or community consciousness is naturally strong, but there should be a Birmingham consciousness just as strong.
 A hearty get-together spirit will be developed by the city commissions new departure, and all Greater Bir- minsham needs it.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1915-11-18
The Sixty-Fourth Congress

But for important and far-reaching questions resulting directly or indi- rectly from the European war the Sixty-fourth Congress, which con- venes next month, would be devoid of general interest.
 The great economic reforms to which the democratic party was pledged were embodied into law in the last Congress. In no Congress in recent years were measures of such vital import considered and disposed of. Had the democrats done nothing more than revise the tariff, adopt the banking and currency bill providing for the federal reserve system and create the industrial trade commission they would have won distinction for broad-visioned legislation.
 In the forthcoming Congress the administration national defense pro- gramme will have the right of way. Next in importance will be revision of the neutrality law which will en- able the department of justice to deal more effectively with crimes perpetu- ated by emissaries of foreign govern ments. As for the rest of the legis- lation it will be chiefly routine.
 President Wilson's views relating to national preparedness have been wide ly published and seriously discussed by many thoughtful people. While protests against army and navy eX- pansion came from peace-at-any-price critics, it seems plain that the senti- ment of great majority of intelli- gent and patriotic Americans is strongly on the administrations side
 But this question of national de fense is a very large one, with many ramifications. And now that the country is familiar with the outlines of the measure for creating larger military establishment and the five year naval programme the attention of the public will be focused on the debates in Congress over the ways and means. As Senator Underwood has said, if the people want larger army and a larger navy they will have to pay for it.
 After the heavy appropriations of
The Birmingham age-herald., 1915-11-18
SUITES LITERARY MAGAZINES

From the Mobile Register.
 There is unquestionably a place in the south for a literary magazine" says the esteemed Birmingham Age- Herald. in welcoming a newcomer, '"The Southern Miscellany" published at Montgomery.
 Surely there is a place for another and still another, but let us not over- look the ones we have that have been going for years and doing great work for the south.
 There is the South Atlantic Quar- terly. established in 1902 by the faculty of Trinity college, at Durham, N. C., which commands the respect of the critical reading public of the nation. It is the clearing house of the best It, erary thought in the south.
 There Is the Sewanee Review, pub- lished by tho faculty of tic University of &he South at Sewanee, Tenn, which once had Brander Matthew as it's ed- itor, and in whose pages will be found contributions from men who get an audience in the Atlantic Monthly and other eastern literary magazines. It has been going since 1892.
 AHeTe IS LlaI unique 1eXaS magazine, published by the University of Texas at Austin, established in 1885, which is an authoritative publication in the southwest. It has developed literary following that is becoming potential In it's section of the south. There is the Methodist Quarterly Re- view at Nashville, established in 1851, which is literary as we'll as religious and critical, and which in it's class is at the top of the ladder of religious magazines in this country. It is so recognized by the great literary jour nals of England, and it's pages are read by the deepest thinkers in the churches of the country.
 And there is that gem of literary pub- lications, the youngest and in many re- spects the brightest of them all, the Southern Woman's Magazine, estab- lished in 1913 at Nashville Tenn, and presided over by Anne Rankin. It is a literary publication that is constantly improving in the character of its con tents. and that seems destined to fill its own unique place In the thought and culture of the south.
 Into this honorable circle of distin- guished southern literary journals The Register welcomes the Southern Mis- cellany and wishes for it a long life and abounding prosperity.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1915-11-18
MORE MEDDLING WITH MARRIAG

MONHN MEDDAANU WITH MAtRAAWE From the New York World.
 The city of Paterson is planning the eu- genics regulation of marriage. seeking to accomplish by municipal ordinance what Wisconsin failed to effect by statute and what has proved fasco of legisla- tion wherever it has been tried. Because many children born in the city hospitals are afflicted with diseases plainly de- rived from their parents, 1t is proposed to require physicians certificates of free dom from communicable disease from all applicants for marriage licenses.
 Such health regulation, if 1t can be enforced. would obviously do good. But at best it will be a corrective of surface conditions only: it cannot reach the true and deep-seated cause of the evil. If Paterson wants the children of it's labor ing population to be born healthy, 1t must remove the underlying conditions of in dustrial disease. the ignorance and vice and bad sanitation. These are the com municable diseases which the children catch. and it is only by their eradica- 1 ton that they can be born with heritage of good health.
 l Patersons troubles are not alone due to the labor agitation and the industrial
 demagogue. They are largely the social by-product of the towns industrial de, l velopment, and they have grown as il grew. If there is to be permanent cure
 the evil must be attacked at its root and not in the flower.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1915-11-18
WHAT'S IN A NAMEs
From Judge.

From JuGge.
 The lawyer was in his private office when the office boy brought in card. The lawyer took 1t and after one look at 1t, drowned and then smiled. The in- scription on it read: MT. Roller Skates.
 "Is it pair or only one?" he in- quired.
 "Nvhat, sir?'' responded the boy. not seeing the point, of course.
 That's all right. Bring him in
 The caller followed shortly and before the lawyer could put him on the stand he volunteered his testimony. He had ob' served that the lawyer still held his card ln his hand.
 Pardon me-" hs said. smiling broad ly and holding towards the card. 'but Tn not to blame foi it. My fathers nams was Skates and my mothers name wal Roller. and they gave me my mothers family name. That was 60-odd year' ago and there were no other roller skater in this country at that time.' The lawyer carefully accepted his apol ogy and also comfortable retaining fe' ere the caller skated away.