The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1915-01-17

mare did love me, were in 1t, combining
to torture and betray me as that very
morning / had been betrayed.
But it was "A million times worse than
| the reality. Yet there was no escape.
! | became strangely conscious of my
| limbs They felt as IL overlaid with
| chains that held me down. But the
situation cleared a little. l saw there
were no chains. 1t was the tautening
Of my nerves. when the relaxing effect
Of the drug passed off that made them
feel like wires that were being pulled
upon and turned my limbs into rest
less. twltching, insurgent members of
my body. l tried to speak calmly to
myself, but my throat was dry and
furred. I could make no comprehen-
sible sound but only horrible croakings
like the actors on my abysmal stage.
Presently I became conscious OF
strange tall column of violet light. very
far away. 1t was n thousand feet tall.
1t split the gloom queerly. 1t was adj
vancing and, surprising to say, as it
drew nearer it grew smaller. After
time ii assumed human proportions and
wore a tall hat, but was without limbs
or features. 1t walked upon my dream
stage. 1t threaded its way among the
actors. II came down to the footlghts
and stopped. 1t gazed at me steadily.
/ returned the gaze, fascinated. A
film seemed to come and go over my
eyes and suddenly ] sat up with a gasp
of surprise. The dream was gone-the
figures on the stage were gone, but the
column of crystal light remained and 10.
it was standing upon the little inlaid
ivory table in my boudoir. which I had
never left. 1t was the morphine vial!
I seized it, emptied out a tablet and
swallowed it. closed my eyes and leaned
back. To my CONSERVATION the dream
returned. The darkness. the phosphores-
cent shapes the laughter, the ribaldries,
the vulgar distortions OF character We're
all there. But | was able to laugh at
them; | had found new strength. I
had my woman's heaven. At least I
thought | had. But that was my mis-
take-a morphine mistake!
For ten years after | never saw real
ity, never saw the facts of my life in
the white sunlight OF truth. never knew
exactly what real trouble and what real
joy had. Everything was exaggerated.
Every impression, every conception,
every judgment was colored by drug
gish ecstasy or dependency. My loved
ones seemed always more lovely or more
hateful than they We're; my home seemed
either happier or more awful my bust
ness affairs much more promising or
Infinitely more disastrous than was the
actually.
Now as l read back over what have
written | cannot be sure that 1t is cor
recty orientated. Experiences of later
years. horribles and phantasms Of other
dcbauches, may have been cast back
ward into that one. 1t may be that I
did not in the first month or the first
year sink to the lowest depths or realize
all the details there portrayed. But the
succeeding years have destroyed per-
spective ana proportion. | only know
that the day soon came when no amount
of the drug was sufficient to give me
again that brief ambrosial sip of heaven.
The largest dose was no more than
enough to keep me from slipping into
the steepest pits Of hell. Nor could |
exist at all without the drug | had
become it's slave. This was an appalling
fact when 1t dawned upon me. | could
not stop taking morphine Nor was 1t
alone because of the mental horrors
which attacked me a. its effect wore Off
The physical depression which at
tended was equally unbearable. S.cken-
ing weakness overlook me. My pores
sweated and my eyes streamed. while
excruciating pains racked my body. BY
acquiring the habit. l had condemned
myself to these tortureS through life.
Every addict OF morphine or any OF
its variant forms-codeine or heroin-
will agree with me that | have utterly
failed, as any pen must fail. TO portray
the sufferings, the depressons, the hor-
rible imaginings, the physical weakness
and pain, the utter loss OF faith in ones
self. in ones friends and indeed in Gods
whole universe, that attend upon the