davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington herald., 1915-07-25

here until 1 came up and informed yo,
iaat the burglar was as dead as
a aoI w na Need TIE he, mater is all settled
Mrs. bowser hadn't been made a
all nervous by the talk. and she hat
mid feat as she she fell asIeeP Soon afte,
suing up in bed and listening with
all her might to some noise on the
next moor down II came again AND
she made up her mind that a bur glar
| was prying up window. She took
the end OF Mr.; Bowser's nose between
pered the magic word in his ear. He
grunted. She whispered again. He sat
up and yawned.
Il think there is a burglar in the
house," she whispered.
Mr.. Bowser made move as he
would fall back on his pillow and
cover up his head, but checked himself
and asked:
What have you heard"
some one rs pryIng UP window?
III is proba bly, some noise on the
But you will go down and investi-
Il don't see the need of it," said
Mr.. Bowser after Il hesitation lasting
thirty seconds
Its probable that you had a touch
OF nightmare but il you hear noises
again give me another call"
Mrs Bowser was out of he'd in thirty
seconds. and feeling Tor the automatic
under his pillow.
Here, wha, are you going TO do,
he asked.
Il am going down and shoot that
burglar. if there is one" replied Mrs.
Bowser.
He swung his legs off the he'd, took
the pistol from her hand and as she
turned up the light he started for ;he
door. He paused three times IN going
ten feet. and as he laid his hand on
the door knob he asked:
suppose there is more than one of
them
IF there is a dozen shoot them alp
Mrs. Bowser. followed him to the
head of the stairs, and he did not OBJ
ject in the least. All was silent and
darkness below. and the bravest Cen
era in the allied armies might have
hesitated over the situation. The |
plunge. however. must be taken. and !
Mr.. Bowscr took il, fully expecting =
that he was going to his doom. Mrs. |.
Bowser encouraged him with whis |
pered words and at length he reached |
the foot of the stairs. There he turn
ed to enter the sitting-room, and just !
AS he reached il there was a bump.
bump. bump-a shout-a scream and ,
hen the noise of p skirmish line.
MIR Bowser had turned loose his au-
tomato. Mrs. Bowser had screamed
and the burglar was trying to get out
If the window he had entered In
he darkness he could not be seen, hut
Mr.. Bowser was taking no chances of
The Washington herald., 1915-07-25
THE WIDOWS BEAR STORY,

James Hoke. farmer. was an impatient
man. and there were a hundred people
who knew IT. AS a schoolboy. he had
thrown his books across the room If he
found the lesson too hard. As a young
man. when he had gone counting, he
would wait from five to ten minutes for
the girls appearance in the parlor. II
she waited longer than that to make
herself presentable he slapped on his
h and took his leave. AS man grown
IL 1t rained and didn't clear up at the
time he set for IL, something or some
body had to suffer for il.
The time came when James Hoke saw.
admired and loved little Jessie Gould.
She knew OF his impotence. and had
several samples OF 1t before he had asked
her to be his wife. When she asked her
advice the reply was:
Bless you. child. . little impotence
The Washington herald., 1915-07-25

| began to wonder if Mrs. Hoke would
marry again. She was known to be a
! good housekeeper. and had a snug little
| farm with which to make living. Sew
| eral widowers and old bachelors had in
! vented excuses for calling at the farm
| house and looking the ground over. a
| widow Is cute enough to realize that
when a widower with FIVE children calls
| on her with the excuse that he wants to
buy a COW. and talks about everything
bur cows for an hour. and goes away
without even looking at calf, that he
means business of another sort. As time
went on. and these callers became more
numerous. she said to herself one day:
when James died l didn't say to my
self that l shouldn't marry again. but
maybe I'll have to. l can't have some
one coming here most every day to look
at cows and sheep and hogs and taking
up so much of my time.
The very next day old Mrs. Barnes
came a-visitinS. and as they had long
been ACQUAINTED she felt privileged to
remark:
Jessie. you must know that It is COM
mon talk that you will marry again"
Don't they all say that about every
body was the reply
Il guess they do about every smart
one have been wondering how much
truth there is in it
Well. think I could marry if want
ed to-
And it would be good thing all
around, il you got the right sort of
What would you call the right sort?"
queried the widow with smile.
Il haven't word to say against poor |
Jim Hoke," said the old lady but |
Everybody knows he had at least one bad |
fault. His impatience must have been |
very trying to you. II you should marry |
again I hope it will be to a man who
hasn't that failing"
But how Is one to know? When a |
man Is counting he conceals as many of |
his faults as possible doesn't he?'
Yes. l s'pose so. but II I was thirty
years younger, and a man was counting
me. I'd find out about his patience or i'm
patience at least"
But how?' was asked
Thereupon In a laughing way the uues-
lion was answered. as will be seen later
On.
Among those who came to buy COWS"
VI the widow was Hiram Johnson an old
zach and farmer who lived about three
niles away. While the widow wouldn't
,dmit to herself that she CARED to marry
gain. she did admit that II she everl
AIRED to. Hiram would stand q good
nance of being the lucky man. One
vening. as he came early, she thought ,
o put old Mrs. Barnes experiment to /
he test So. after they were seated with
pan OF apples between them. she be-
an
'Mr. johnson. want to tell you . .
The Washington herald., 1915-07-25

| i'll a husband only keeps the wife smart
! Id give most anything II your father
, had more of it. and raised bit of q
! row now and then. hut he let's thing:
| drag along, and If ] had breakfast al
hour late every morning of the week
don't believe he would say a word. An
| impatient man loves his wife and his
home just much as any other kind
| have known half a dozen in my time
and all of them were men to- go ahead
and get well off. If you love Jim. go
ahead and marry him"
And Miss Jessie said "yes' and the
marriage took place accordingly.
For about month the young husband
maintained a check on his impatience,
and then he began to break out again. If
the weather was not favorab Die to his po-
tatoes, he kicked over chairs: if A thun-
der storm soured the milk. he took it ont
on the dog; il the price of butter went
down two cents. instead of going up
his best COW. He wanted everything in a
hurry and if he didn't get it there was
sure hot time for somebody. On &C
count of this trait in his character he
had no neighbors. The farmers around
him were in fear OF him. Even the tin
peddlers passed his house without stop
ping after two or three months.
Mrs. Hoke was patient little wife.
While she did not actually fear a box on
the ear she felt 1t the best policy to
maintain silence when the husband got
one of his tantrums on. When he was
" raising lne Harry ana she
was spoken to about il, she always had
the same reply:
Yes. James is rather impatient. and
is easily put out. but he is quickly over
il. and, on the whole, he is the best hus-
band in the State"
curing his childhood the measles had
passed young Hoke by. as Is the case /
with about one child out of ten. He had !
been ma rried about two years. and was |
as strong as an OK. when the ailment 4
suddenly grabbed him. He laughed at IL !
fought it-swore at il. but the doctors |
sent him to bed and there he lay for a !
week. 1t was a hard week for the wife,
'or in his impotence he wanted every
hing. from a lemon TO a brick house
The doctor advised him to he patient and
lie reached out and pulled the NJ. DIS
lose. course the dignity OF the medi-
al profession could not stand this in
'ult and the doctor at once arose and
ook his leave.
An hour later the patient announced
hat he wasn't going to put up with such
J farce any longer. 1t should be killed
II cured Despite the protests of his
rife he clothed himself and took a little
rain. As IL nature had been waiting foYl
i'm q sudden shower of rain WAS let
pose to wet him to the skin. Three DAYS
ater Mr.. Hoke was dead man.
After two years Of widowhoow. people
The Washington herald., 1915-07-25

nan ma At az: and sa RS' ssas She or W!
And you married her."
No o sir, l think | didn't In act
a,oh know NV | nsd didn't nna While saun' Irina
! would propose to her within Week
up comes Tim Dolan and say !
Casey. I'm hearing that Sou are
mas ID. on the little mill kr down
II don't deny it I says
DO you know much about her"
Not a great deal, except that she
Is an angel
Mebbe its on account of her wings
and harp that two men have married
and divorced her, laughed Tim.
sir. and told me that instead of hav,'
ing money in the bank her stock of
soods was under mortgage. Instead
out every night. and that she was SET
But you didn't fall into it?" was
asked.
Sir he replied as he drew himself
up. Il am Casey and no spring chicken
continued to pass her shop, but
didn't look for the woman After
about week she came to the door
What is wrong. Casey. dear?
ItS the two husbands that divorced
Casey, you have won my heart. and
now you jilt me-
but the two husbands"
But you'll never get away with
And thereupon. and thereupon. sir.
she drew a pistol and fired full in
You can't mean ii, Casey"
But ] do, sor, and if it hadn't been
for, my whiskers 1 should have been
a dead man"
But the whiSkerS?"
- They were beautiful auburn, sir
They were thick. They were iuxurIart
They curled. The bullet struck them
and glanced off and hit a truck driver
in the leg. The woman collapsed after
firing the shot. and I turned and walk
ed away The next week the mortgage |
was put out"
We had walked along for half a |
block in silence when I said:
Give me another. Mr.. Casey"
Did you ever hear. sir, that Prov
dence protects the police" he asked.
Not as l remember of"
,oin MeH Ill., can give you a case in
where the tough ones gathered. ii
had pulled two or three hard cases
out of the place and sent them up
was to be put away. The plan was
'or one. of the gang to drop bomb
On my head as ! passed the place. He
vas to drop it from the roof. l didn't
near how they We're to finish me off,
out was rather looking for bullet"
But you didn't say anything to
Il am Casey. sir, and Casey has all
ways fought his own battles alone
was passing the joint one night Just
,efore midnight when the plot was
ipe and down came the bomb"
And blew you all to smithereens?"
sked.
No. sir. and there you behold the
and of Providence. Just as the bomb
ell a man carrying a mattress on his
cad turned the corner"
And the bomb struck the mattressr
ct did"
And blew the mans head off,"
NO, sir. He only knocked
own. The bomb bounded to the CEN,
ar of the street and there exploded.
And killed a dog"
"No, sir. 1t broke the arm of
0ugh who was creeping up to stab
lie"
Anything else. Mr. Casey"
Well sir. two burglars who were
orkinG at a store safe heard the
xplosion and came running"
But nothing else"
"Only that | got two men from the
,int who were in the bomb plot"
That made six prisoners"
Just six, sir, and l sent them all
prison"
Mr.. Casey. you are a wonderful
an" I said.
"I sometimes think so myself" he
piled as he waved his hand good
ght.
The Washington herald., 1915-07-25

Our esteemed contemporary comes
out in ble-leaded editorial yes
,tssrfday charging us with many bad
town to shoot us full of lead
We think he wrote the article under
misunderstanding. He knew that we
knew he had been in the Ohio PEN
lot of pork. He supposed we were
the only one possessed of the knowl-
edge. and when he found the story
all around town the other day he
Jumped TO the conclusion that we had
betrayed his confidence. We never did
II. Bill Overton spouted il while half
drunk. and the way Bill came to know
was because he went to the same
prison at the same time for stealing
forty bushels of wheat of the same
We think we know what editorial
courtesy is. and We aim TO practise il,
Our esteemed contemporary ought TO
have known that we wouldn't give him
away in that fashion We are sorry
the facts came out, but they won't
hurt his circulation any. He's got sew
enty-six subscribers anyhow, and as
they are all relatives they will stick
by him.
As is we'll known to our local read
ers. Reube Smith, general loafer who
TO more on earth. Yesterday we paid
Henry Tower the popular undertaken,
s36 in cash for Reube's burial expen-
ses and his head-boa is already ser
up in our private graveyard II is
marked No. 10.
We had nothing in particular
against Reube. While he had refused
The Washington herald., 1915-07-25

| ly swallowed those twelve woodchucks
| and rejoiced at her escape.
II was so on the third night. the fourth
NTH and sixth; The widow had set out
to test his patience. When she had re-
told that story thirty times, and had
seen no signs of impatience in her caller.
she met old Mrs. Barnes again and told
her of 1t.
old lady. but not enough. Keep it up
for several weeks longer. / think YOU
are going to marry Mr.. johnson. and you
ought to he sure of tt"
The old bachelor came three evenings
a week, and as he had to walk six miles
every time he did II. the reader can Judge
that he was growing very fond OF her.
Three nights a week. therefore. he heard
OF the bear. the 1o-year-old girl and the
twelve woodchucks He came prepared
to hear it.. Had anything happened that
disappointed man. Wasn't he good
man? Wasn't he patient man? Old
Mrs. Barnes and the widow decided that
he was. and one evening. when he jump
ed in with proposal of marriage before
the story could be begun. the widow re-
ceived II favorably. Mrs. Barnes came
to congratulate her. and advised:
Don't drop 1t too sudden. Keep on
telling II for at least six months after
II .ur. johnson was surprised that the
thing was kept going. after the preacher
had made them one. he didn't betray II.
Six months after marriage. he apparent
ly was Just as interested as when he first
heard il. But there Is a limit to every
thing. One day when the wife had been
visiting neighbor for the afternoon.
she returned home to find a note on the
table which read:
For the last fifty times YOU have told
that bear story. I haven't heard a word
81 II. l am stone deaf and am going to
chicago to see II anything can be done
Tor me-
The wife got his Chicago address and
sent him n letter reading:
The last fifty times I told the story
simply moved my lips and grumbled my
hin. had lost my voice completely.
ONE back and We viii be very happy
Hiram returned with his hearing i'm
'roved and was retoiced to nnd that his
wife had recovered her lost voice, but
he bear story has never been told aince.
nd 10 no one knows whether the bear
'utran the woodchucks or they made
,ince meat Of him
The Washington herald., 1915-07-25
|HOWSER BUYS AN AUTOMATIC
! AND HIS BURGLAR CALLS THAT EVENING

when Mr.. Bowser came home on :
recent evening he stopped for a mo,
ment az the gate and looked up anu
| Town me street and across. When he
: entered the house he walked through
| 70 me sitting room TO one of the back
w'ndows and peeked and peered fol-
excc,IEaimlng in whisper:
..Iuhere ne is. Just as l expected"
"A burglar?'
How do you know"
saw that man on the street car.
my wallet to get a bill changed He
got on the car when l did. and is now
spotting the house to see how he may
81 shouldn't worry about him." re-
Pied Mrs. Bowser with a smile to
burglar. hope he will try TO Cet
IN here tonight 1 am fixed for him
And he drew forth an automatic
pistol which he had bought an hour
before. and exhibited it with great
pride and said:
mercy of burglars for The last wear.
hold death for them in my hand
haven't read or heard of a burg
larry for weeks and weeks" said Mrs
Bowser.
There have been thousands Of
them; and the scoundrels are still NJ
it. Many and many night | have
woke with a feeling that an intruder
was in the house. but went TO sleep
again without alarming you"
There was no more talk on the
subject until after dinner and then
Mr.. Bowser said:
Mrs. Bowser We must understand
each other about this burglar bust
ness. If there is a strange noise in the
house. and | think il is a burglar /
will poke you in the ribs with my ell
bow and gently whisper in your ear !
You must remember not TO scream
out"
Il see" was the reply.
IF you re the first to wake, give /
me poke and whisper bur |
glars" That will be enough for
me. | will spring out of bed grasp
my automatic and fly down stairs and /
fill some body with lead This is the
program and we must stick to il and .
not get things mixed up"
But do you think ] am going TO
remain up here while you hunt bur
glar down stairs" asked Mrs. Bow
ser.
of course you are. You wouldn't be
dot enough to follow down"
I'd follow of course"
But what could you do"
IF | found that a burglar had YOU
Town on the floor and was choking
-ou to death. would grab him by the
'Humph: You would stay right up
The Washington herald., 1915-07-25
w A Y SIDE S MIL ES
There May Be One Here for You.

There May Be One Here for You
Madam. you should r" more careful. y
exclaimed a policeman who pulled an old
N"man ont of the way of a swiftly NOV
ing car the other day.
What did ! do she InnnC"ntiv asked.
You barely AIRED accident"
oh. that didn't amount to much. she
sad she turned anay. "Whv. last
cow-ratcher and carried me half a block
and do YOU know | had rolled off and
was looking for bargain in tooth
brushes bef"r" they had even stopped
the car? Don't worry about Us old
folks
u" had taken a transfer from the agent
a sudden thought struck him and he
turned hack and asked of the agent:
Is this ticket also beer check"
"Of course not was the rcTly.
Good for nothing except to ride some
where else on
That's all
No beer: soda or ice cream. eh?''
Not a bit
'All right-alI right" unused the man
as he turned away. Stranger in town
you krow-got to learn the ropes-don't
want TO miss good thing. No heer-no
around and look for a line which has the
interests of its patrons at heart
They were late at the special sale, and
IS.
Isn't il dreadful" asked No l.
Perfectly awful" replied No >
Think of cultivated, Intelligent women !
in such a jam as that !,
How can they endure it,
mo woman of dignity would he caug ut /
in such a mob. and l am going right back !
home"
so am t.
Then come on. Hold on minute
though. What's that woman saying"
why. that she got three cakes of reg
ular 10 cent soap for Is cents. Oh, Susan,
how can We go home"
I'VE can't. Take hold OF my hand.
turn your shoulder to the crowd and we
will push our way in there or die in the
attempt"
TT was close upon midnight the other
night, said one cabhie, when an old
ing up to me with: Driver, amt you the
man who took me up TO the cemetery
this afternoon?
I am. says 1. recognizing him as
49,, ".HaSe you busted out your carriage
II have. sir. and 1 found stray
cent in II. sir
was what brought me from home at this
time of night
II handed the coin over. and he
grasped II and caught a car back home,
ana ,ar amt I'M t GRenins bottles Of cham
had to give up that wealth.
Yes, there aressome very queer pco. 3
pie come in here" said the Watch Dog {
OF the postonice as he smiled in a faith
cry way wo or three days ago. for
instance nniddle-aged woman tirn,dly n
opened the doors and looked about in a !
aountLai way ana then uptoed up to me
The Washington herald., 1915-07-25

story. 1t is about a bear and a girl
Would you care to hear it?
Il have always been mighty fond o.
| bear stories.'' he replied. as he threw hi.
apple core away and prepared to listen
We'll. when I was girl 10 years old
began the widow, Il went to the w"cds
one day in the fall to gather chestnuts
I had gathered about two quarts. and
they were still falling from the trees
when I heard a peculiar sound. 1t was
'woof-woof. such as you have heard
to see a great big, black bear within two
rods of me. His eyes We're glaring and
his mouth wide open to show his dread
brought his fist down on his leg.
What was I to do?" asked the Wild
ow. II was but a small girl. 1t was the
first bear ever saw. I knew from the
CRY and savage / was far from some
II I screamed for help. no one would
hear me. II I ran. he would almost at
once overtake me. 1t was a hopeless po-
sition.''
by thunder" exclaimed Mr.. johnson,
as he pounded his leg again.
Just as I was about to faint away
from fright. twelve large woodchucks
dashed out of the bushes with horrible
growls and snarls. and attacked Bruin
with the utmost ferocity and a battle
was on. Here was my opportunity to es-
cape and I took advantage of II.
OF course you did-of course" said the
bachelor
Il got home all safe. butf could never
make father nor any other man believe
about the twelve woodchucks. They in
sisted that a thousand of them would be
no match for one bear. Be that as II
may. never wanted to encounter a peril
like that again.
II should say not.' and down came
the fist to open and reach for another
apple. !
The story was ended, but that wasn't |
the last of 1t. The next evening that Mr. /,
called the widow didn't walt
i've minutes before she began:
Il want to tell you a story about q bear
md q girl
And thereupon she told him the story
u she had before. Mr.. Johnson didn't 1
'emind her that he had ever heard thar
'srn. He listened earnestly. and brought
lis by gosh" and by thunder At the
anne crises as before. He neither show
d surprise nor impatience. but scanning
The Washington herald., 1915-07-25

Would YOU kindly tell me if this is
a postonice?
1T is na'am,' I replied.
How nice. Do they sell stamps
here
They do. ma'am'
m so glad. Could l mail letter
here
Bushels of EN-
81 am delighted. And If I buy my
stamp and mail my letter will it go right
away to ChiCaEo?'
1T certainly will
g How charming. It was very kind of
you 10 give me all that informa tom
Not at all. ma am. l am here
hat a nice. sweet. dear fatherly
man. she interrupted as she clapped her
nanns together and laughed like a girl;
and while | was trying TO crowd back
my bushes she kissed her fingers to me
The Washington herald., 1915-07-25

letting him escape. He had the pistol
pointed all over the room as il belcn-
ed forth its bullets
have you killed him. the voice of
Mrs; Bowser asked as the pistol ceased
Can you light the gas?"
gas jet was lighted and at that
moment big black tom cat who mad
somehow got into the house and want
ed TO get out again. and had been
humping his head against the glass
uttered frightful y-e-o-w-I and
and disappeared
The Washington herald., 1915-07-25

TO subscribe for the Kicker we didn't
lay II up against him. A man who
can't read has no use for a newspa-
per Two or three weeks ago. when we
wrote brief local in regard to his
bitlng of Jim Smalrs ear we didn't
bear down on Reube very heavy. We
SAID we thought he'd lived here long
enough. and that he'd have to either
skip or hang. but we made it rather
hight for him. Sunday afternoon Reu-
ben found us in the United States Ho-
tel and spat in our hat and pulled our
nose and slapped our jaw That's
where he made the mistake of his
he probably crossed the dark river
carrying that belief. We pulled en-
Reuben and dropped him in his tracks
As in the twelve other Instances We
had him buried on our own lot paid
all expenses and shall keep the head
BOARD in good repair.
Two or three weeks ago. Bill
because we didn't publish more muir
ders and hangings. and he gave us a
As We didn't do so S Ss COW of ,bs
Kicker came back TO us with a great
big Refused" marked on it. nd Bill
We are on our last legs and mus go
under before long.
Good-by. Bill. While we hate to
lose subscriber. we never did run
begin now. We have published one
each week especially for your personal
dedication and If you are still un-
satisfied we shall have to regretfuIly
part with you. We owe you about
Twelve numbers on your year yet. and
we shall send them to an idiot asylum
up in Iowa with your compliments
We understand that Humble Jim the
.o-called evangelist. is coming from
Denver to look after matters and
hings in this town We warn him
n the first place. our boys have no
confidence in the ripsnorters travelling
round and pretending to be inspired
md in the next he can't bring any
eligion here that will stick for
week. Its been tried a dozen times,