davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington herald., 1915-08-29

Yes. Samuel: shall perish between
this and daylight" said Mrs. Dolby, with
considerable satisfaction in her tones
and I want to talk TO you a little about
the funeral I've had rheumatism. neu-
ralgia, backache. fever. chills. and sore
eyes. and I think I deserve a tolerably
long funeral procession and considera BILE
fuss made over me. Mrs. Gaines. who
never had half the ailments I have had
thirty-siX buggies and wagons in her
procession, and you ought to do as well
by me. l believe you could scare up
forty IL you bumped. Will you hump.
Samuel-will you hump to send me to my
last resting place in good shape?'
For answer Mr. Dolby fell back upon
his pillow with a great thud and snored
away to make up for lost time. Mrs.
Dolby didn't arouse him again Having
got good start on her favorite subject,
it made no difference whether he was
asleep or not.
Yes: I want at least forty wagons and
buggies In the procession" she went on
as she sat up alone and looked into the
darkness. and 1 want people to ask
what I died of and say that they are
surprised and sorry. You amt used to
Samuel. like I be; and I want
to tell you a few things. I'll probably
perish about daylight. When I've drawn
The Washington herald., 1915-08-29
COLONEL BUNKER
The Strangest Duel He Euer Fought

went away. I was able to call on him,
but he turned his face to the wall and
would not speak to me-
IF that duel came about in a strange
way it also had strange results, ! aft
erwards got the particulars from Mrs
Hoyt, who attached no blame to me. Mr..
Hoyt hadn't told her of his duel with
me. In fact. he had accounted for his
wound by saying that ne had met with
fall. The couple had been married
fifteen years. and while the husband
had moody spells now and then, no one
had a Suspicion of insanity.
"One day. two months after the duel.
Mr. Hoyt came down stairs, after being
in his room for an hour and fired shots
at his wife and two daughters Queerly
enough. not one Of the three bullets
took effect He ran out of the house
to the stables and shot both his horses
dead. He had four or five hired men on
the place. and as they gathered to over
power him. he severely wounded one Of
their number. When he had been secure
ly bound, a doctor was sent for and IL
was his opinion that Hoyt had been
more of less insane for three or four
years past.
The county had medical board
look into the matter and he was pro-
nounced a dangerous lunatic. and he
was sent to an asylum and spent ten
years there. before he died. What the
people could not understand sub, was
why I should challenge a man whose
conduct at the river. must have showed
me that he was not in his normal mind.
and for time I was pretty harshly
criticised. They were wrong in their
conclusions and criticisms. In those days
plenty of men drank to excess. and they
were gentlemen, too, and when they
had taken too much liquor. you could
not account for their actions. At any
rate. did not kill him. and have al
ways been glad of it. 1t was the opin-
ion of the doctors, that my bullet had
nothing whatever to do with the sudden
outbreak of insanity.
''Ho-hum.'' said the Colonel. as he
rose up with a yawn. lit Is a long time
back to those good old days. but maybe
II was better for the world when duel
ing was intedricted. I had my full
The Washington herald., 1915-08-29

There is a case which is always on
call on the calendar-a warfare going
on every week and day and hour in
the year. 1t is the case of Detective
ween tvs de and SEEK the rSs Hs
has always worked with the odds
against him. The criminal has always
Wien Commits m mnrd.r ahsne is
a yell for vengeance. AS soon as he
is arrested a certain portion of the
pubLie begin to Sn sympssh,ze When he
in his favor. The chances are that he
has the very best council: he has plen-
ty of friends who will help him make
an alibi; there is strong undercurrent
of sympathy in his favor: the law
average juries hesitate to convict
challenge you to refer to a great Grim
inal case In which the prisoners law
yers have not taken opportunity to
men who were untiring in their ef-
forts to bring this particular rascal to
Justice They are called hounds" and
for a1 doing 1' their anu duty, e and ~ their seal aeai
and enthusiasm are always referred to
as licking their chops for innocent
During the year that was 'rn the
profession 1 had some queer cases II
had the reputation as being lucky"
and l am ready to admit that luck has
tective work I have known officers
who were honest. conscientious, and
but who always just
missed it. II they mad been on case
for six months and had finally run al
man down until he was within arms
length, some one else was sure to step
in and bag the game at the last mo-
ment- 1t Is an old saying that luck
brings luck" II was certainly true in
my case. My first capture was that
Of Dick Morton, the famous Tennessee
outlaw of thirty years ago ! was in
Nashville when he shot and robbed
two men on a highway forty miles dis
tant. I was then on the Cincinnati
force. and was interested in getting
close description of the man. Any de-
scription you may give Of particular
man will apply to dozens In q general
brown hair. blue eyes. candy WhisRsr1
etc The only real point was IN his |
manner Of speech. II was said that he |
be ginning . sentence. He did this on !
the advice OF an old woman to bresA
him Of the habit Of suffering and Il !
was a succesp
The Washington herald., 1915-08-29
MRS. DOLBY'S TALKS.
Mr.. Dolby Comes Out Ahead by
Saying Nothing.

In the middle of the afternoon the other
day as Deacon Dolby was mailing pickets
on the fence. Mrs. Dolby came out with
smile on her face and said:
Samuel. I've been thinking"
The Deacon had his mouth full of
nails, and therefore could not reply II he
wanted to.
Yes; have been thinking. and I want
to tell you what a good husband you
are to put up with all the trouble that
give you. know that sometimes ought
to have my ears boxed but instead of
doing it You speak kind and gentle
words"
If Samuel did. there was an obstruction
in the way. No husband, not matter how
loving he is. can kiss his wife with live
or six eightpenny nails in his mouth. He
therefore didn't try.
Mrs. Dolby was not put out, however
hut went on with:
Il am going to be different. Samuel.
as you will see. / came out on purpose
busy just now we will have a little
pleasant talk this evening. By-by. Sam
uel."
The Deacon looked after her as she
nails in the husbands mouth can pre-
vent him from smiling IL he wants to,
and the Deacon wanted to smile just
then.
There wasn't cloud on the family
horizon during the rest of the afternoon,
and as they sat down after the supper
things ha6 neen cleared away all was
peace and contentment. He read his pa
per while she patched a pair of his
trousers and put band on his old shirt.
and she haan't mentioned word about
dying. At o'clock he had just got out
of his chair with a grunt. wound up
the clock, fastened the kitchen door.
turned out the lamp. and said they had
better go to bed. and she had followed
him without a word. They had slept
and snored. and midnight had come. OF
a sudden she had sat up in bed sn~
listened, and after q minute she gave
him a poke with her elbow and ex-
Samuel Dolby. wake UP and bid your
wife good-by forever. for she hasn't an
Mr.. Dolby ceased to snore and opened
one eye, and Mrs. Dolby continued:
I've been expecting the summons fur
the iast twenty years, and now they've
nnaiiy come. l was sound asleep and
dreaming Of withdrawing the kitchen
ceiling. when one of our hens uttered
crow ana woke me ur. You know what
II means, samuel, when hen crows
in the night! It has never failed yet.
and II never Will. have been COM
manded TO lay down my earthly burden
ana become an angel. and II you'll get
up IN say last few words to YOU"
Nj. Dolby didn't get up. He had closed |
his eye and fallen asleep AGAIN. and II |
took three diEs Of the elbow to arouse |
him again He sat up without askine |
any Questfons. He had been there about
ZOO times before, and there Vac M ~.
caston Tor excitement
The Washington herald., 1915-08-29

I than IL did If eaten in its raw state? Did
| they bring out the horseshoe? Did they
even invent the shoestring or the darnins
needle?"
Il guess not" was the faint reply. "Ii
I We're you. wouldn't try to write an
But why" demanded Mr.. Bowser.
Because you are all muddled up about
! the great men of the past. You might
get Frederick the Great mixed up with
Captain Kid. It's unfortunate thac you
have not read more history. but. at the
same time, you are not to blame for it.
The way out of il is to excuse yourself
from delivering the address"
Look here. Mrs. Bowser, how do you
happen to know all these things?" de-
manded Mr.. Bowser, as he began to
flush up.
why. I learned most of them at
school, and have read more or less his
tory since | was a pupil"
You and the world call such old back
numbers as Alexander the Great top-top-
pers, do your"
"Of course. they were great I have
You will find their great deeds in the bis
tories we have got in the house. Why
don't you take a week reading up on
them before you try this address? I was
here. You know who wrote IL, don't you?"
Mo- was thundered.
TT was Milton
II don't care a hang if it was Milton
list Of n. g.'s."
But Twill get you one of the histories
from the bookcase
You needn't tire yourself. Mrs. Bow
ser. / am going out for a walk. and II
hear any one say that Napoleon was a
great man I'll punch his head
And the address, queried Mrs. Bow
ser.
TT can go to Halifax
Mr.. Bowser stomped out of the house
and was gone an hour. AS he did not
rettrn with a black eye and two front
teeth missing, IL was presumed that he
did not meet with a man who had
words of praise for Napoleon. Neither,
perhaps. did he meet with a man who
arrerted that there was one great man
now living who overshadowed all the
great men Of the past. and that his name
The Washington herald., 1915-08-29
BOWSER GETC MUDDLED
And He Gets Mad at Being Unn1uddled

Soon after dinner the other evening,
Mr.. Bowser had a caller. The stranger
was taken into the library and after half
an hours conversation he left the house.
Mrs. Bowser, that was a gentleman.
aRnointed ape rdohs., by the p C. to wait on me
But what is the P. CO. asked Mrs.
Bowser.
Why, it's the Preoccupied Club of
That's funny name for a club. What
are they preoccupied about?''
I am not a member, and have never
visited the club and therefore can't tell
sit around with folded arms. and their
eyes on the ceiling, and think about most
everything that has occurred since the
to join and i probably shall"
Il would. il / We're you," said Mrs
Bowser, and I'd sit and think of now
Cain killed Abel, and how Moses was
hidden in the bullrushes. Your caller
came to invite you to become a member.
Well, not exactly. He came to invite
is made before the club once a year
will now go back to the library and make
a start toward composing the address,
and II any one calls, do not disturb me,
ance."
But tell me what is going to be the
title OF your address, providing you live
1T will probably be: Have Any Really
Great Men Lived Up To This Time?'
What do You think of such a title
7 think you will name several hun
dred great men who have lived, and
made the world greater for their living"
Mr.. Bowser looked doubtful about IL.
but went to the library without answer
ing. An hour passed away. No one
called to disturb him. He was so very
quiet during this hour that Mrs Bowser
laid aside her book and opened the door
to flnd him scratching his head for a
thought, and nibbling at the end of his
pencil. He had only written down the
title.
The Washington herald., 1915-08-29
O. HOPE JONES
In the Name of Sacred Liberty

At midafternoon the other day as a
slow freight train pulled into the town
brake-beam of one of the cars and scram-
bled out to stand up and brush the sand
and gravel OFF his somewhat mussed
person.
He used his old felt hat for a brush.
He kicked out with his right leg.
And then with his left
Hello, hobo" said the depot-master
with laugh.
correct you. I am. sir. Mr.. Q. Hope
Jones, the world-renowned lecturer on
all subjects. The lecture itself is free.
but a collection will be taken up among
the audience for the African heather and
several other gentlemen"
And that was the way Q. Hope Jones
reached the town of Plum Hill and four
hours later the thirteen houses compos-
ing the town We're closed up and their
inhabitants were listening to the words
of the great man in Deacon Smiths
casion:
II struck this town at o'clock this
afternoon after walk of eighteen miles,
bf to 1bs on os
number of eminent citizens I shall
change the subject and talk to you of
liberty. Liberty is a good thing. and
you can't have too much of it. You see
before you on the canvas a picture of
Lord CORVALLIS and an American SOL
dier.
The soldier had been taken prisoner
in a skirmish. As he was led into the
presence of the British general the lat
ter sternly demanded to know the
strength of the American forces.
II will not tell you" promptly re-
piled the soldier.
Beware, SIR Numbered the Brit
Ish commander as his anger kindled
Don't you know that / can order you
out to be shot as a rebel?'"
Il do but had rather die than to
prove traitor to our cause
You shall have two minutes in
which to answer it
II shall never answer it,"
Then away with him. guards. and
shoot him down like dog"
Five minutes later the prisoner was
facing the leveled muskets of the firing
party, but Just as their fingers were
pressing the triggers Lord CORVALLIS
The Washington herald., 1915-08-29

For some reason or other" he repiIed.
I don't seem to catch on. Maybe l am
unusually dull tonight"
Let me help you"
He looked at her with a helpless look,
and after some hesitation, he asked.
II you help me to start the address
are you going to claim the credit of it,
No of course not. / want you to get
the full honors of it
Very well: that's fair of you. You
know. Mrs. Bowser. that 1 am a plain
man. 1 hadn't much chance for educa-
ton during my young days. Ever since
our marriage I have been mighty busy
trying to make a living and something
over"
I know dear" she said. as she laid
her hand on his head
Il have read some books. but not
many, and don't clearly remember what
have read. / don't want to make any
mistake in this address. and / shan't If
you will help me. I used to know who
discovered America as well as / know
my own father. 1t wasn't Shakespeare.
was it,
Lands. no. 1t was Columbus
$50 1t was. The name comes back to
me now. He is called great man, isn't
he?"
The Washington herald., 1915-08-29

called a halt and ordered the patriot to
resppear before him:
- So you will not answer my ques-
ton he said
I cannot"
Not even to save your life?'"
No"
Look upon this brave and loyal
man. said tho lord as he turned to the
soldiers about him. Not even the fear
of death can daunt him. It's no use for
us to hold out against such an army of
men. Let's surrender and have it over
with. "
And he went out and laid down his
arms and the British never recovered
from the blow / haven't the name OF
that brave soldier nor have l ever run
across any of his relatives. but let us
The Washington herald., 1915-08-29
LUCK BRINGS LUCK

Just a week after left Nashville /
was in Evansville. Ind. AS I sat in
the office of a hotel man came in
the inquiry of the landlord up went
his eyes When had seen him do this
three or four times I began to COM
pare him point for point with my de-
scription Of Dick Morton, and in fve
minutes I was satisfied that had my
man. He had been shaved. had his
hair cut, and wore suit of black, but
there were some things he could not
hide The little finger of his left hand
was of to the Joint, he held his head
The Washington herald., 1915-08-29

Why. Shakespeare himself, Of course. -
smiled Mrs. Bowser.
What is there great about it?''
1T is great in sentiment-great in
thought, and one OF the greatest literary
productions that the world has ever
had
Il fail to see it," grimIy replied Mr.
Bowser. Il never heard yet that it was
a great thing to sit down and write a
book. or half a dozen of them. You have
your library-pen and ink and paper.
write for an hour or two and then stroll
around. You car write by day or by
night. l don't want to be too hard on
Mr.. Shakespeare. but it's my opinion
tie was the greatest man of the two"
We'll. you have a right to your opin-
ION in the matter" said Mrs. Bowser.
as she turned her head 10 keep her face
straight.
Wasn't there a man in olden days
named Cicero?" was asked after a min
ute
.'There was
What line was he great in?''
He was a statesman and an orator.
"Humph, He didn't invent anything?
It wasn't he that first brought out the
wheelbarrow, the spade or the crow
bar?"
Il don't think So
Well, down he goes among the COM
mon men. How he got his reputation
for being great l cannot see. I've heard
that there was a great philosopher named
Desetiogonese. What about him. Did
he invent the shotgun or the long-han-
Cled shovel?"
o My dear. you ought to be better post
ed about these things" said Mrs. Bow
ser. Desetiogonese sat in a tub on the
street corner and eXpounded philosophy
to the public. There were times when he
went about by daylight with a lantern
in mis- hand. When asked why the Ian
tern. he replied that he was looking for
an honest man."
why. he must have been a darned
old IDIOT exclaimed Mr.. Bowser, as he
pounded on his desk. I shall put him
down as n. &. Now, then, what about
Caesar"
There were several Caesars, Mr.. Bow
ser-which one do you mean?"
Il don't know. l thought there wasn't
The Washington herald., 1915-08-29

II was evident to the bridge policeman
that they were a couple from the agri-
cultural districts. but he was all Ques-
tions when they stopped before him. and
the man said.
"Officer. is there anything to pay for
going across this bridge?"
Nothing to pay for foot passengers"
Perfectly free. Il it,"
Perfectly"
Hannah do you hear that?" asked the
man as he turned to his wife We don't
have to pay red cent to cross"
"Oh, how nice" she replied.
We don't want to beat our way. you
know" continued the man. I'VE are no
1T Is free to you. as said.'' answered
the officer
But can't I stand treat or some
thing?'
mo. nothing at all. sir"
well. Hannah: you just take notice.
will youf Up In our town they charge 5
csnts to go in and see q three-leGged
chicken. while down here. New York and
Brooklyn 20 af " and t;<ed thundsring
big bridge for us to W. over. the river
under 1t. and won't let US even send 'em
down q pack Of popcorn TO show -
gratitude."
The Washington herald., 1915-08-29

was like hunting for a needle in a hay
stack But / went up to Quincy be-
fore making stop. II he showed ur
I could hear nothing of my man at
Quincy: and. after day or two. went
to Keokuk. 1t was busy times on the
jump. I could hear nothing of the
paymaster and was about to return to
Cairo to take up new line of pur-
suit ith when stranger approscSsd me
and perhaps some one had pointed me
out as capitalist or speculator. He
he wanted to get TO market. but need
ed money as starter. He offered. in
case I would advance $500, to give me
a certain share in the venture. and as
place. a distance of twelve miles. We
reached there at night, and next morn
ing walked through the timber; At
which backed against his. and as we
were both thirsty. we walked to the
well for a drink. While there. the
we'll acquainted. came out, and we all
sat down on the side of the porch for
a chat. After two or three minutes a
as her nephew from Ohio. He was
roughly dressed. but anyone could see
that he was in disguise. He had shaved
neck and his hands were not very
clean. and he explained that he had
served a year in the army. but was
discharged for disability. and had come
West to rousht it for few weeks. We
somehow got TO talking about some of
the battles on the Lower Mississippi. and
as my farmer friend and the stranger
did not exactly agree the discussion
soon waxed hot. Then, to my great
amazement the stranger began to rub
the back of his left hand with his right.
I then compared him with the descrip-
ton, and allowing for the changes he
had made, ] saw that he must be my
very man. quietly addressed him by
name. told him who was and what I
had come for. and what do you suppose
he did? He Just fell right OF his chair
in a regular faint and we worked over
him q quarter of an hour before he
opened his eyes. He had been planning
his enlbezzlement for weeks- He was
really the woman's nephew. but she did
not know that he was paymaster. He
had the mq2ey in q satchel in his room
and had u!9ed only about $50 of IL. His
plan was to lie in hiding for several
months and then skip to Europe.
The Washington herald., 1915-08-29

referred to as being great. What was
he great about?"
We'll, either Augustus or Julius were
great in war and the politics Of their
time. They. were rulers. you know"
But to come down to brass tacks
what did they do for humanity? What
did they do to make the world brighter
and better? There was need of cof-
fee-pot. Did they invent one? Did they
give us burglar alarm? Did they in
form the world at large that it took three
hours longer to digest cooked cabbage
The Washington herald., 1915-08-29

thing
But I don't see It in that light" said
Mr.. Bowser, with considerable vigor. IF
l remember Alright. he simply sailed to
the west from Spain until he bumped up
against the shores OF America. When
he wanted to return to SPAIN he simply
had to sail to the east Couldn't Tom
Jones or Bill Brown have done the same
thing? OF course. they could, and shall
put him down as very common man.
Who was 1t wrote Shakespeare
The Washington herald., 1915-08-29

cooked to one side when listening to
valked- / made no move ustfl after
dinner Then, as he came out Of the
dining-room. I held him up with the
nussie Of revolver right against his
The Washington herald., 1915-08-29

my last breath You must 30 over to Mr..
Carter's and knock four times at the
door and call out that I've gone to my
reward at last. She'll set right up and
notify Mrs. Phillips and Mrs. Bebee,
and before sunrise they viii take most
everything on your hands. You viii
probably have to eat bread and milk for
breakfast. but ! know you won't kick
The Washington herald., 1915-08-29

share of the honohs Of the field, and
can now afford to sit and sip my cock
tail and let the rest of the world quar-
rel 1t out among themselves. By the
way suh-'
But the boy was already bringing il.