Webster City freeman. [volume] (Webster City, Hamilton County, Iowa) 1884-1946, 1915-05-11
AWFUL MONSTER,
NO It AIN 'T,YES'T|
Whatever-it-is Causes Much Worry
and the Division Of Opinion in
Peaceful Town.
CAUSES Cellars TO Be FLOODED
Roots, Says Sewer Inspector General
Escaped Zippotherantheus, Says
Circus Scientist.

Geneva, Ohio.-Barnum had his
Whit-is-it, his successors had their
Human and Animal Enigmas and
museums have mystified the world and
made money with their Thinking Auto
nations - grim, iron-visaged figures
that beat all Corners at checkers or
chess or for the small expenditure of
dime handed the investor his or her
fortune neatly printed and inclosed in
neat and sealed envelope. 1t remained
for Geneva, however, to produce the
whatever-it-is, fierce looking, awful
monster that has been taken from the
darkest precincts of our village sewer.
and which has divided our generally
peaceful residents into two armies Of
wildly excited verbal contenders.
At the head of one army is General
Edward Towne, sewer inspector ex.
traordinary-that is, extraordinary in
asmuch as he's some more sewer in
spector. AT the head Of the other
array-faction, if this term suits anti
war readers better-is Gen. Tom J..
Forde, inventor and circus man even
before Walter Main dreamed of build
ing his winter quarters here. 49,.
Let's call what's been said prelude
and begin the real story here. The
curtain rises on the main action. The
scene shows scores of cellars in Gen.
eva filling with water which has back
ed up from Geneva's sewer lines.
"A &c, 20 Ivvo ri
Towne, sewer Inspector extraordinary.
TIE sewer at a certain place Is un-
*,vered and there before the very eyes
81 crowd of terrified onlookers is a
monster with so many tentacles, or
whatever you call them, that even a
senior in a first-grade high school
I couldn't count 'em. Anyway, Gen.
( Tom ]. Forde, circus man, calls it a
: monster.
Here's where the trouble comes in.
/, Everybody in Geneva doesn't agree
!, with Gen. Tom j. Forde, inventor and
circus man. There's division of opin-
Non in Geneva and citizens take the
difference seriously.
!. While scores of honest-to-goodness
brave men argued the Wat-ever-it-is in
the sewer wasn't real for sure mon
lister, there was only one man in all
J Geneva who carried life insurance
I enough to warrant him to attempt re-
moval from the sewer of the aforesaid
\ What-ever-it-is. That man was Gen.
I Tom ]. Forde, inventor and circus man.
! Everybody agreed to that.
Well, to stretch out long story,
Gen. Tom ]. Forde, inventor and cir
Gus man, was notified. Would he at
i tempt the capture or removal OF the
Whatever-it-is from the sewer of our
fair Geneva? Would he? Would he?
b He would.
+ It was dark down there in the sewer,
f but Gen. Tom J. Forde, inventor and
:, circus man, braved the terrors while
: Geneva gasped, prayed, laughed or
:. mentally applauded.
Zip! Just like that, and the What
o'sver-it-is was captured. A shout OF
T triumph came from the sewer. Block
, and tackle quickly were obtained, and
5 the Whatever-it-is as quickly was
hoisted to the surface.
Aha! Gen. Tom j. Forde, inventor
and circus man, took one look and was
convinced that the Whatever-it-is
(let's remain neutraD is the petrified
corpse of monster zippotherantheus
that escaped from his menagerie 20
years ago when it was in winter quar-
ters in Geneva. Gen. Tom J. Forde, in.
ventor and circus man, says the What
ever tits, or zippothe-the- (see what
we wrote above) is of priceless value.
Gen. Edward Towne, sewer inspector
extraordinary, contends the Whatever
it-is-zippolococus what Gen. Tom
J. Forde calls it's an abnormal
growth of poplar roots.
And here's where the Geneva9mixup
comes in, where all Geneva is divided
into two parts; one supporting Gen.
Tom ]. Forde, inventor and circus man
even before Walter Main dreamed of
building his winter quarters here; the
other backing Gen. Edward Towne.
sewer inspector extraordinary - and
then some.