davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
GiUen Up to Die Helpless With Agonizing
 Kidney Ills

clairvills s!noneau. Barton. La, says: 'For a number of years I suffered greatly from kidney disease. I gradually ran down until finally was given up to die. helpless and my limbs were swollen 10 twice their natural slze. Tn fact I was hloated all over My hands and feet and also my ankles were puffed up until the skin was tense Doctors who attended me afraid that dropsy would reach my heart. but nothing they could do helped me. My back paIned greatly and the kidney cretiens were scanty in passa Ke and anHat- ural. At last the doctors gave me up and it was then that I told to try Doan's Kidney PtIls. I ajd and the effect was ai- most miracle. The bloating and swelling commenced to go down and as ! continued taking this medicine l felt better in every way. After l had taken five boxes of Deans + ldney Pills I was well That was over four years ago and since then I haven't suf- fered in the least"
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
UGH! CAL0MEL MAKES YOU SICK!
 CLEAN LIVER AND BOWELS MY WAY
Just Once Try "rodsons Liver Tone" When Bilious const
 pated, Headachy-Don't Lose Days Work

Liven up your sluggish liveri Feel hne and cheerful; make your work a pleasure; be vigorous and full of am- bltion. But take no nasty, danger ous calomel, because it makes you sick and you may lose a days work.
 Caiomel is mercury or quicksilver, which causes necrosis of the bones. Calomel crashes into sour bile like dynamite, breaking it up That's when you feel that awful nausea and cramping.
 Listen to me! If you want to enjoy the incest, gentlest liver and bowel cleansing you ever experienced just take a spoonful of harmless Dodson's Liver Tone. Your druggist or dealer sells you 50 cent bottle of Dodson's Liver Tone under my personal money
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
Pats investment.

Pat bought pig in he fall paying S7.50 for it; during the winter he bought s1050 worth of feed for it, and in the spring he sold the pig for s17.50.
 4 neighbor asked him how much he got for it, and when Pat told him, he said Well, you didn't make much on it. did you?s
 No, said Pat, but you see had the use of the pig all winter. Every bodys Magazine.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25

back guarantee that each spoonful will clean your sluggish liver better than a dose of nasty calomel and that It won't make you sick.
 Dodson's Liver Tone is real liver medicine. You'll know it next morn ing, because you will wake up feel ing fne your liver will be working. your headache and dizziness gone, your stomach will be sweet and your bowels regular
 Dodson's Liver Tone is entirely vegetable, therefore harmless and cannot salivate. Give it to your chil- dren. Millions of people are using Dodson's Liver Tone instead of dan gerous calomel now. Your druggist will tell you that the sale of calomel is almost stopped entirely here
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
When Steak Is Touqh.

To make a tough steak tender, put three tablespoonfuls of salad oil and one tablespoonful vinegar on large fat dish,
 Lay the steak on the mixture and let it rest in this way for half an hour, then turn it over, and let it rest another half hour in the came quan- tity of vinegar and oil.
 The toughest steak will yield to this treatment and be nice and tender when served.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
CUT OUT FOR A FlNANClER
Small Maiden Was by No Means as Free From Guile as She Ap-
 peared to Travellers.

Two great tears shone in her hazel eyes as she stood by the slot machine outside the wayside inn-two tears so large that young man passing on his motorcycle saw them clearly.
 Excuse me, he said gently, but if you tell me all about it perhaps I can help you"
 The girl shook her pretty head I've put penny in the slot machine" she answered, and nothing will come out"
 "Ah," said the young man, that's soon remedied."
 Drawing penny from his pocket. he inserted it in the machine. Six times he tried with six different pen nies, but absolutely nothing happened Then he rode away, poorer but hap pier
 As he rounded the corner the girls mother appeared in the doorway.
 Well, Kate" she asked, how are things going?"
 Al" came the reply. Hes the tenth. Altogether IveSnetted three dollars this morning"
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
Gettinu Back at Him

There lived in certain county MT. Crane, who had for a neighbor a MT. Fuller, Crane and Fuller were not the best of friends, and scarcely ever met without having a passage-at= arms.
 Meeting one day, Fuller said: Crane, what is the difference be- tween crane and a meadow hen ?"
 Oh replied Crane, there is a great deal of difference. Tl.e meadow hen is fuller in the body, and fuller in the neck, and fuller in the breast in fact, it is fuller all over'
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
More Meat Next Season.

Authorization has been secured from the secretary of agriculture to graze on the national forests of California for the season of 1915, 2t2,2S0 cattle and horses, 505,750 sheep and goats and 1850 swine. Compared with the grazing season of 1914, these numbers constitute a considerable net increase, During the year approximately S35. 900 acres in the national forest permit were eliminated from the forests.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
SELF SYMPHONIC
With cutlcura Soap Is Most Comfort
 Ing and Beneficial. Trial Free.

Especially If preceded by touches of Cuticura Ointment to spots of dan- druff and i-ching on the scalp skin. These 5upefcreamy emollients meet every skin want as we'll as every toilet and nursery want in caring for the skin, scalp. hair and hands.
 Sample each free by mail with Book. Address postcard, Cutieura. Dept. KY. Boston. Sold yerywhere.-Adv.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
Educational Limitations.

A small boy asked his father the meaning of equinox, and received this answer: What in the world do you go to school for? Don't you study mythology? An equinox is a mythical animal, half horse, half OK. The name is derived from the Latin equine, horse and OK. Dear me, they teach you absolutely nothing that is useful nowadays t"-Atchison Globe.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
title Cake Decorations.

Decorate your small cakes with white icing and form a bowknot on each cake with pale green icing. Be fore laying the knot place narrow strip of white paper on, slightly raised. When the ends are set in the icing. ice over the knot with the green. Before serving slip small spray of holly with the bright red berries on through the loop.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
G3 our enenbor7H Se9 1aDa DOAN'S KIDNEY PILLS (gA.A
 
Never Good at Mathematics Anyhow.
bum Go, Buaalo, NY, ProprieiorS

Never Good at Mathematics Anyhow. This yur town is getting to be too laundering mathematical for com fort" grumbled old Dad Bing Truth CT day, as l was standing on corner taxicab run over my toes. and then stopped just beyond me
 Here, eonfound youh says to the shower. These yur toes that you just smashed are minei'
 We'll, why didn't you drag 'em out of the way?' he asked
 Drag the deyil?' 1 yelled How did know how fur they protruded Expect visitor in your fair city to do nothing all the time but figger up his own feet. ?."-Kansas City Star
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
Lost His Reckoninn.

One of this worlds unfortunates was arrested in Covington for lettering. and when taken before the judge to be dealt with was asked by that official, My good fellow, do you live in this town?"
 Nope said the prisoner.
 Where are you going?" inquired the judge.
 "To heaven" came the answer
 Take him below" commanded the judge He is crazy or he never would have come to Covington on the trip he says he is taking
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
Reason.

There's no use talking" began Mrs Nagg
 T know it." interrupted Mir. Nagg. and the fact that you persist in talk ing after making that declaration simply proves what have often as- serted regarding the lack of logic exhibited by some women. Now pro- ceed with your lecture"
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
Fish Puff.

This is a delicious dish made from remnants of cold cooked fish. Chop fish and mix it with e1ual parts of mashed potato Season with salt ane pepper and tablespoonful of melted butter. Stir into it two eggs, form into a roll. brush with a beaten egg, roll in bread crumbs and bake in quick oven until brown.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
Famous South American Falls.

The falls of Tequendama are situ- ated near the city of Bogota, United States of Colombia, where the River Bogota rushes through cleft 36 feet wide and falls about six hundred feet into rocky chasm. Near the falls is the natural bridge of Inconongo, which is something more than three hundred feet high.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
Cane May Omelet.

Soak one half cupful stale bread crumbs in milk Beat one egg well, add salt. pepper and tablespoonful melted butter. Add one-half cupful canned corn and mix with the bread crumbs The mixture should De quite thick Bake in buttered dish just Iong enough to set the egg and brown the top
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
Renderlna Leaf Lard.

A quick way to render leaf lard is to cut it in strips about the size that will fit into a meat grinder, using the argest opening, which will allow it to come through very fine. Put in kettle and place in hot oven until he lard is extracted, strain through heesecloth and put in crooks.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
A Mild Hint.

Can you understand why I can't get a job? I've been very patient and persistent"
 You don't go about it right" re piled Farmer Corntossel. When you want job you ought to ask some for you
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
Wine Jelly,

Take a half box of gelatin, soaked in a half pint of cold water for 15 minutes. and add three gills of boiling water and two-thirds of cupful of sugar Let this come to the boiling point, then add seven tablespoonfuls of hest sherry wine and two teaspoon fuls of French brandy Boil up once, strain and cool
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
Changed Views.

"Time makes big difference"
 What are you thinking of?"
 My wifes father. I used to think him a stubborn old fool Now I re- spect his judgment.
 What's happened ."
 Nothing, only he did his durndest to prevent my eloping with hs daugh- ter. ."-Detroit Free Press.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
 WouIdn't Pass

Did you stop in the employment agency to get eook?" asked Mrs. Crosslots.
 Yes" replied her husband very gloomily.
 Eight of 'em looked me over and decided that I wouldn't do"
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
i. 4. ROWLAND, E34 Humboldt St.
 Denver. Colo.
State of Colorado
Letter to Dr. kilIner C. Co. Binahanton. N Y.

Prove What Swamp Root Will Do For You
 Send ten cents to Dr. Kilmer & Co.,, Binghamton, N. Y, for sample size bottle 1t will convince anyone. You will also receive booklet of valuable in. formation telling about the kidneys and bladder. When writing he sure and men tion this paper. Regular fifty-cent and one-dolar size bottles for sale at all drug stores Adv.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
When Your Eyes Need Care

Use Murine Eye Medicine. No Smarting-Feels Fine-Acts Quickly. Try 1t for Red, Weak, Sore Eyes and Granulated Eyelids, Murine is compounded by our Ocuiists-not "Patent Medicine'-but used in successful Physicians Practice for many years Now dedicated to the Public and sold by Druggists at 5oc per Bottle. Murine Eye Salve in Aseptic Tubes, f5c and Soc. Write for Book of the Eye Free.
 Murine Eye Remedy Company. Chicago. Adv.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
Tumble

It was only slip of a girl that fell"
 Yes; and no wonder. The walks are so icy"
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
Quite So.

Now they are advertising dread naught gray. They ought not to drag the various colors into this imbroglio." ]" What do you mean ?"
 Gray has always been considered a neutral tint"-Kansas City Journal.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
The Proof.

'Is that joke?" Yes, certainly" How do you know?" Why. a professional humorist said it was
 How did he know?e Why, he wrote it himself"
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
RUB-MY-TISM

Will cure your Rheumatism and all kinds of aches and pains-Neuralgia Cramps, Collie. Sprains, Bruises, Cuts, Old Sores, Burns, etc. Antseptic Anodyne. Price 25c.-Adv.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
COLDS & LaGRIPPE

5 or doses 6e6 will break any case of Chills & Fever, Colds & LaGrippe: it acts on the liver better than Galo- mel and does not gripe or sicken. Price 25c.-Adv.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25

Somebody who knows nothing about 1t says that the happiest moment in married mans life is the day before the wedding.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
The Climbers?

He-Men are descended from mon keys.
 She-Some haven't descended yet Judge.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
Same Old Story.

Green-Do you remember that stock I bought in a gold mine last summer? Brownies. How did you come out?
 Green-Minus.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
The Reason.

Belle-The pomp that woman as- sumes is very unbecoming to her style.
 Nell-Sure Her rats" are too large
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
Cnuered.

Isn't that a new door-mat you have? Strange. didn't notice it be- fore ''
 You were standing on it before"
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
This Didn't Really Happen.

How did you enjoy the dinner?" Fine; nobody mentioned the war even once"
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25

There isn't much hope for the peo- pie who would rather tell their trou- bles than be popular.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25

Switzerland uses a greater propor- ton of it's water power than any other country.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
Made a Cleanup.

"So your cook left you without any warning?
 Yes. and without any spoons"
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25

The man who borrows trouble is al ways anxious to pay you back in your own coin.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25

Probably nothing makes a woman so angry as to ask a man for his candid opinion of her-and get it.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
Important ,o Mothers

Japan has produced about 250,000,- 900 bushels of rice annually for the last four years.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
Winter Chills Bring Kidney Ills

commended kidney remedy in tho world You'll decide it worth a trial, when you read this enthusiastic testi. monY
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25

A born shopper is a woman who can make the rounds of the bargain coun- ters without spending a cent.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25

As rule when a woman laughs at q fellows jokes it always has a forced sound.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25

Millions of particular women now use and recommend Red Cross Ball Blue. All grocers. Adv.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25

They stop the tickle Deans Mentholated Cough Drops stop coughs quickly. A pleas- ant remedy-5e at all good Druggists.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
Quite Happy.

Did the play have happy ending?' Comparatively so. All money was refunded after the second act Fun
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25

Southern and eastern Europe fur nish 37 per cent of the emigrants to the United States.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
Golden Buck.

Prepare a nice Welsh rarebit. spread slices of toast and place poached gg on each slice Garnish with water ress.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25

Cooperative societies in Bradford, England, have between 10000 and 50,. 900 members
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25

Better not try it on the dog-unless you are sure of your dog.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25

A leader is a great man who knows when to sidestep.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25

Always sure to please, Red Cross Ball Blue All greeers sell 1t. Adv.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25

According to statistics. there are more men with bloekheads than wood enlegs.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25

The worlds greatest misfit is illus trated by the big opinions of a small man.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25

Every tombstone speaks well of a man when he is down.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25

Many a man imagines he's the whole circus who hasn't the ghost of show
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25

A barber may not eat sawdust. but he can well live on shaYings
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25

When an old-fashioned farmer tray- els he carries most of his baggage in his pockets.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25

Many marble heart does business beneath a sealskin jacket.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25

Many a callow youth has been hard hit by a soft glance
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
Playing Poker.

Does the doctor play poker?" Yes. he specializes in it.''-Indian- .apolis Star.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25

A first-elass lawyer can break any will-excepting his wife's
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25

When is a balloon like good bread? When it rises.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25

The worst thing We can take for a cold is advice.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25
IMPORTANT THAT PUBLIC SHOULD KNOW ABOUT GREAT
 KIDNEY REMEDY.

The testimonial l am to give you comes unsolicited. 1 have been suffer- ing from lumbago for ten years and at times was unable to stand erect. A Mr Dean of this city, saw me in my condi- tion (bent overI and inquired the cause 1 told him that 1 had the lumbago. He replied, If you get what l tell you to you need not have it. l said l would take anything for ease. He said, You get two bottles of Dr. Kilmers Swamp Root and take 1t, and if 1t does not fix you 0. K. l will pay for the medicine my self" I did so and am a we'll man. For five months have been as we'll as could be- Before I took your Swamp Root was in constant pain day and night This may look like advertising, but 1t seems to me most important that the public should be made familiar with this treat ment as it is the only one 1 know which is an absolute cure. owe a great deal to Dr. kilmers Swamp Root, and am anx- ious that others situated as I was should know and take advantage of it. Hoping that this testimonial may be of benefit to some one, am,
 J. A. ROWLAND,
 1734 Humboldt St.
 Denver, Colo. State of Colorado
 City and County of Denver ss.
 Personally appeared before me, Notary Public in and for the city and county of Denver in the State of Colorado, J. A. Rowland, known to me as the person whose name is subscribed to the above statement and upon his oath declares that 1t is true and correct statement.
 DANIEL H. DRAPER.
 Notary Public.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25

Love is the sugar that takes the bit ter taste out of life.
The Monticellonian., 1915-02-25

WILL SELL OR TRADE FOR LAND IN Ark 160 a. in Clinton CO, Mo. S5 a, cult, hse barns A J Nave, R g. Turney, Mo
Evening star., 1915-05-31
CANAL MAY EARN SURPLUS
First Eight-Month Panama Deficit 70
Be Eliminated June 40.

PANAMA. May 25.-The Panama
canal will have earned in tho fret year
of its operation sufficient TO paw all
rs running expenses and probably
leave small surplus. according to the
figures now being compiled in the Of
flee of the canal auditor The los.
now is about per cent. as against 20
per cent at the end of February. The
dercit of about 20 per cent, incurred
during the first eight months of the
waterways operation. has been nearly
eliminated. and will be completaly
overcome by June 30. when the f,rst
year Of operation will end
Nearly every month of the last nine
have shown an increase in the tolls
earning. Tolls for April, however. were
slightly lower than those for March
which were q record 1t 10 declare6
the tolls for May will equal II not er-
ceed those for March
Evening star., 1915-05-31
Sixty Cases Of Heat Prostratlon,

BERKELEY. Cal. May 3I-Sixty girl
students of the San Francisco State
Normal school and several woman spec
iators were recovering today from ef-
fects of heat prostration at commence
ment exercises held yesterday at the
Greek Theater Of the Univsrsity of
California. Many OF them were carried
frem the opsn-alr auditorium and taken
to hospitals n vas said today that
mono was In Q serious oondttion.
Evening star., 1915-05-31
lover 600 CHILDREN JO|N
IN may DAY PROCESSION
Last Of These Ceremonies Held by
Holy Trinity Church, George
town, Yesterday.

More than 500 children of Holy Trim
fly Church. Georgetown, participated in
the May procession Of tho church yes
terday, this being the last of these
ceremonies, which have been held dur
ing tho month by all Of tho Catholic
churches Of Washington.
Miss Catherine Mattare was May
queen. her attendants and others In the
procession being:
Page to carry crown. William T.
Kelly.
Attendants to queen, Dalla Rhodes,
Ethel Rhodes. Bernadette Tennyson,
Margaret Callahan. Eva Brennan, Mary
Sheer. Mildred Leasure. Marjorie Simp-
son. Louise Keister, Edna Harrington,
Agnes Murtaugh. Genevieve Cross,
Pauline Callaghan. Mary Mannix, Ter
esa Eewhefser. Letitia Brooke, Gather
Inc Probey. Francis Nichols. Rachel
Mary Beamer and Clara Harris.
Heart bearer, Mary Smith.
Page. Joseph Kearney.
Attendants to heart bearer, Marxaret
Huston. Cecilia Coupe. Helen Young
Sullivan. Virginia Farrety. Margaret
Mannix. Louise Oele, Theodosia Clark
Helen OConnor. Catherine OConnor
Madeline King, Julia Ahern, Catherine
Brooke. Margaret Cole. Margaret Free
burger. Lillian Keogh and Mary Fisher
Act as Guards of Honor.
Guards of honor. Leo Donovan, Pau
Cook, Joseph Hilleary, James Harty
Francis Magnum. Thomas Cook. Johr
Kerns. Lawrence Rhodes
Streamers carriers. Joseph Splana
Ray Kemp. John Foley. John Warner
John Reynolds. Paul Magrum, james
KsniA John Curtin. Virginia Shaw
Mary spollman. Margaret Kelly, Cath.
erine Donovan. Edith Rhodes. Dorothy
Redman. Helen Rissiardi, Irene Bran.
zelI. Helen Smith.
Banner bearers. Francis S. Farquhar
Luke Smith. Catherine Heide, Louise
Young.
Speaker. EuIalia Thorn.
Page. Thomas Ready
Attendants, Margaret SpelIman Mary
Durkin. Kathleen Curtin, Catherine
Hibbs. Lillian Meem. Mary Kane, Nellie
McCann. Mamie Inscoe Louise Good
child. Margaret Jnscoe, Irene Buscher
Margaret Talbot. Gertrude Ashe, Agnes
Walsh, Agnes Crontn. Helen Kane, Ida
Conlon. Aloe Brennan, Regina Sullivan
Childrsn Of 81 Stephens parish held
their annual May DrocesSion yesterday
more than 500 boys and girls taking
part IN ne ceremonies.