davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19
A Forlorn- Hope.

MT Corneobbe. dare say your son has learned a great many thinrs at college"
 Yes. He's larnt how ter yell. how ter dance. how ter play football an baseball. how ter set in stiff game of poker an has other accomplish ments l haven't been able ter classify yet, but l hope ter find among 'em what I'm looking for
 And what is that ?"
 Something that will help him ter get more out of an acre of land than I've ever been able ter get"
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19
HAD THE LAUGH ON HlMsEL
Miser Got Away With the Oatmeal
 and Also Succeeded in Saving Precious Whisky.

J. F. Hartz of Detroit. the doven of the American Surgical Trade associa. tion, said at the fiftieth annual con. yention in New York.
 The war has kited the priee of ear. bolie acid up to $l65 a pound Ut sold before the war al nine cents a pound The hospitals that use caYbolic acid now have to be as economical and sparing as old Josh Lee.
 Old Josh Lee was miser. and he breakfasted every morning on oat. meal. To save fuel he cooked his weeks supply of oatmeal on Sundays. This supply by the time Saturday came around, was pretty stiff and tough and hard to down.
 One Saturday morning old Josh found his oatmeal particularly unap- petiZing. It had a crust on it like iron. He took a mouthful of the cold, stiff mixture-then he half rose, think. ing he'd have to cook himself some eggs.
 But he hated to give in. He hated to waste that oatmeal So he took out the whisky bottle, poured a gen erous glass and setting it before his plate, he said:
 Now, Josh. if you eat that oatmeal you'll get this whisky; and if you don't you won't
 The oatmeal was hard 10 consume, but Josh with his eye on the whisky, managed 1t. Then. when the last spoonful Was gone, he grinned broad. ly, poured the whisky back into the bottle again. and said:
 Josh. my son. fooled you that time, you old idiot " Washington Star
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19

A we1lknown essayist and eonnois- seur of New York attended recently an artistic tea in Washington square.
 Near-artists of all sorts-near poets. near.sculptors. near-painters and near. noyeiists-attended the tea. The ladies wore djibbahs of green buflap. The gentlemen wore sandals. The collation. was vegetarian. of course.
 Looking calmly al that mass Of freaks, he said. with a smile:
 Artistic longings consist invariably. it seems, of long hair, long teeth and long faees-everything but long purses. in fact
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19
DISTRESSING PiMPLES
Removed by cutieura Soap and oint.
 ment. Trial Free.

Smear them with the Ointment. Wash off in five minutes with Cuti. cura Soap and hot water and continue bathing for some minutes. Repeat on rising and retiring. These fragrant superereamy emollients do much for the skin, and do it quickly.
 Sample each free by mail with Book. Address postcard, Cutieura, Dept. KY, Boston. Sold everywhere.-Adv.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19
w hiteWa shind.

Before beginning to whitewash walls, brush off loose particles and dust the walls with a bagged broom or wall brush Clean spots and re- move stains and grease Have several brushes of the right length of handle and a bucket of water to stand them In. Keep your whitewash hot. and if intended as disinfectant. add little carbolic acid Have a stock suEtly where it will keep hot and a conven. ient-sized bucket for immediate use.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19
Fine Sconn.

Lady said Plodding Pete, ecould you spare a hungry man a meal 0. yietuals?P
 You go away from here or I'll call my husband
 Is that there stoop=shouldered man plowin corn in the next field your husband ?"
 Yes, it is. .
 T take back what I said I've got a heart in me. 1 have If you've got a meal O victuals for a poor staryin' man. give it to your husband
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19
No Claim.

That jitney gave you mighty hard bump
 ! should say so. I have been laid up for two weeks
 Good thing you carry accident in- surances
 Yes, but it doesn't get me anything in this case
 I should like to know why not?e T could see in the chauffeur's eye that his hitting ne was not going to be an accident
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19
CoM.Tesfinn AssociatinnA

Cow-testing associations are rapidly taking their places in the economic de- velopment of dairy communities. and they are proving their worth. The dairy, is most important. The benefit of the most modern methods and ap- pliances may be had by consulting your state agricultural authorities.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19
A Good Hoo Pasture.

Soy beans make excellent pasture for hogs, and especially growing pigs, making a cheap ration and doing away with the buying of tankage. mill feeds, etc. Ohio circular IS says, regarding soy bean hay: This hay makes a very nutritious feed being equal to alfalfa and superior to clover hay" The farmer is assured excellent hog pasture and a more desirable hay in the soy bean crop
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19
FreeZInformation.

T ain't had no work ter do in more'n two years. mum"
 Poor man. Ho whave you man. aged to live?"
 People have helped me. num-
 And so will l. Walk down this road half mile and you will come to our county seat, where there is a model jail that serves better meals than any country hotel in this part of the state Kansas City Star.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19
Worth Gisteninp To.

Those two men over there are hav= ing warm argument It must be about the war;
 T think not They are probably dis, eussing subject they know some thing about.
 Why so?"
 Half dozen pedestrians and the policeman on this beat seem inter- ested in what they are saying.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19
Two Classes.

The late Charles Frohman used to divide Americans into two classes those who dine in evening dress and those who dine in their shirt-sleeyes.
 Or. to put 1t better MT. Froh- man would say. the two great Ameri- can classes are. first. those who dress for dinner. and. second. those who undress for dinner.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19
She Needs It.

T hope you won't be angry. dear est. said wifey as she displayed her purchases. but I simply could not re- sist buying this lovely wrap to wear over my bathing suit at the beach.
 Its a beauty" admitted her hus- band Why don't you buy another one to wear over your street cos. tune 9.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19
 Sell the Boarders.

Sell every COW that is likely to pull down your profits this year Weed them out. You may have to sell them for beef. All right. Do 1t, rather than to keep them over and have all the rest of the COWS work to maintain their standing in the herd. They have all they can do themselves.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19
Wasn't on the Map.

Little Lemuel-Say paw, what state is EfIigy in2
 Paw -Eftigy, Why, l don't believe l ever heard Of such town, son.
 Little Lemuel-Well, l was just reading about a man who was hanged in efiigy, and cant find it on the man
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19
Quite a Hint.

The Guest-Your wife is such a handsome woman. l should think you'd be jealous of her.
 The Hest-T am And fer that req son I never invite any man here that any sane woman would take fancy
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19
Both Busy.

Where is Clarenee?'
 He's in the house playing jack straws"
 And where is Edith?"
 T dunno. She may be out sailing the motor boat. and then again, she may be trying out her new aero plane
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19
To Drive Out Malaria
 And Build In The System

Take the Old Standard GROVE 5 TASTELESS chill TONIC You know what you are taking, as the formula IS printed on every label. showing 1t IS Qninine and Iron in tasteless form The Quinine drives out malaria. the Iron builds up the system. 50 cents Adv.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19
The Reason.

Simpson, wonder how it is that nearly all the misers we read of are old bachelors?
 Mrs. Simpson (insinuatinglyl-O married misers are so common that they are not worth mentioning
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19
Officer. Where Are IYou7

Has the backward season arrested the cotton erop?a we asked the south ern planter
 Tt has. he replied, but We think we will be able 10 bale IL out" ;"
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19
For Burns and Scalds.

In case of burns and scalds apply Hanford's Balsam of Myrrh and get relief Apply 1t to cool the skin and take the fire out Have a bottle ai ways on hand to use in case of acci. dents. Adv
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19

We hear of new uses of Hanfords Balsam of Myrrh. In dehorning cat tie, light applications help to stop bleeding, making the use of hot iron unnecessary. Adv.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19
KEEP ALWAYS ON HAND BONDS LIVER PILLS.

One small pill at bed time will cure Headache, Biliousness, Constipation, Torpid Liver, etc. Do you doubt it? Try them once They never act un- pleasantly. Small, Mild, Safe, Inex- pensive. All Druggists 25c.-Adv.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19
Easy -MnneY.

Any fishing up where you spent your yaeatien2a
 Plenty. In fact. there wasn't any thing else All we got to eat was the fish we caught ourselves, and they charged us S15 a week for serving it."
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19
Gosnel of Better lairxinn

Now is the time to come forward and accept the gospel of better dairy ing" and turn the scrub bull into a free lunch grab.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19
 HOmeSICk.

Ever since you've been in town, . said the city relative. you've been having two or three lemon squashes every day
 Yes, replied Farmer Corntossel. "A habits habit"
 But you don't drink them,'
 T don't want to. I am willing to pay the money so as to get straw to chew.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19
An Honest Confession.

T suppose you will be out again tonight" remarked Pokerton's wife somewhat sarcastically.
 T am sure" he admitted. unless l hold better hands than I did last night"
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19
Oranaelo Is Propaqated.

A Mississippi man has propagated a new citrus fruit by crossing the orange and the grapefruit. It is called the oran2elo.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19

When millionaire dies it generally develops that he was worth about $1o0.000 and that he had been paying taxes on a valuation of s20,Q00.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19

It is calculated that f9,0o0.o00 tons of carbon, most of it in the form of coal, is the average yearly amount burned in large cities
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19

The National library in Paris con tains the oldest map of the heavens. made in China 500 E. C. and showing 1,460 stars.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19
MiIk for Poultry

In feeding milk to poultry it should be fed always sweet or always sour Changing from one to the other will caus. bowel trouble
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19
The Way of 1t.

Knowit-They say the water in the Panama canal is gradually becoming salty.
 Grouchy-Always some fresh trou- ble down there.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19

There is always something coming to us that We should like to see side tracked.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19

A catalogue of the fishes of Maine shows that the state has 140 species. but only 20 are fit to eat. and only IT are of commercial value.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19

The number of telephones in the United States has increased fifteen fold i'll the last Ii years.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19

In the sixteenth century dictionaries were chained in the schoolhouses. as Bibles were In the churches, by reason of their eostliness and rarity.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19

When a lecture Is free you are ex- peeted to buy book or a shaving strop from the man who delivered 1t.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19
MiIkinq Machine.

The milking machine means to the dairy farmer what the self-binder meant to the grain farmer of the eight ies.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19

Many man charges his misdeeds up to his ancestors.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19

Berlin and Vienna have each popu- lation exceeding 2.00o,000.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19
Good TooIs-Good Work,

Is your hoe a disgrace to your farm dull. rusty and heavy-or bright and new? Good tools-good work.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19

Submarines for naval purposes were first developed by France.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19

The thread of the silkworm is one thousandth of an inch in diameter.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19

To stop bleeding use Hanfords Bal sam. Adv.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19
Leads to Better Profits.

More alfalfa means more home grown feed and smaller feed bills. l naturally leads to better profits.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19

When the time is noon in London Berlin records t2:54 p. m
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19

For mosquito bites apply Hanford's Balsam. Adv.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19

For genuine comfort and lasting pleas ure use Red Cross Ball Blue on wash day. All good grocers. Adv.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19

Happy is the home where Red Cross Ball Blue is used. Sure to please All groeers. Adv.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19
Office Chatter.

How dc you like your iob?' asked the inkwell.
 It's dirty work" replied the new blotter. Still it's rather absorbing"
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19

Many a shallow mind has been con- cealed behind deep voice.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19

Boxing is taught in the state schools of Australia.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19

You can safely place faith In Han lords Balsam of Myrrh. Adv.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19

In guarding his reputation every man should be his own watchman.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19

The first balloon ascension took place in 17S3.
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19
To Be Sure.

You seldom hear of a man after he enters prison.
 That isn't surprising" "No?"
 Doing time is comparatively a noiseless performance"
The Monticellonian., 1915-08-19

X close friend is one who won't lend you money.
The star-independent. [volume] (Harrisburg, Pa.) 1904-1917, 1915-03-29
JAMES M. LAMBERTON

James NJ. Lamberton, whose death occurred yes
terday, could be regarded example of the
highest type of Harrisburg citizenship. He was
born here and lived here and worked here. He
loved Harrisburg and Harrisburg loved him.
Mr.. Lamberton was a gentleman literally. He
was kind and courteous and generous indscrimi-
nately and without thought of return for his gen.
erosity His cheerful spirit through the period
of his great suffering in the last two years. was
revelation and inspiration to those inclined to
quit in despair the hard battle of life.
Mr.. Lamberton gained unusual distinction as a
lawyer, teacher and historian. He was a ceaseless
. worker,-thorough, untring and accurate. He had
statistical mind and delighted in compiling data
on historical subjects in which he or his friends
were interested particularly in connection with his
activities secretary of the famous Yale class of
1878 Of which his friend, former President Taft
was a member, and as a member of the Dauphn
County Historical Society
Had he concentrated his rare mental attainments
in the direction of amassing great wealth he doubt
less would have succeeded, but he preferred to
give most of his effort to the service of his friends
persons and institutions whom he loved.
Many distinctions had been won by Mr. Lam
berton in city, state and nation through the various
activities that have made up his busy fe and many
honors have been bestowed upon him, but Harris
burg which knows him best honors and loves him
most for his traits of personal character These
perhaps can best be summed up in the one word-
unselfshness.
The star-independent. [volume] (Harrisburg, Pa.) 1904-1917, 1915-03-29
PROSPECTS SOUTH OF THE 1sTHMUs

Efforts to increase commercial activities between
this country and the Latin American republics have
been exerted with some enthusiasm since the war
interfered with steady European trade. The Pan
American Society has been of assistance in showing
the way. Trips like that made by former Senator
Root some years ago have had their influence in
establishing cordial relations between the English
speaking and the panish-speakng Americans 1t
is only to be deplored that this country did not
sooner awaken to realization of the advantages
OF extensive commercial relations with the Latin
Republics that it did not the opportunities south
| of the isthmus before European nations saw them
and seized upon them.
The people of the United States have in past
years been so intent upon developing their own
vast resources and establishing and encouraging
their own industries that they have paid little at
tention to South American trade except such as has
come their way of its own accord While Ameri-
cans have been content to make special efforts to
extend their commercial activities to the vast terri
tory lying the other side Of their Big Ditch -
thrifty Europeans have been supplying capital to
develop South American fields, providing facilities
for commercial exchange, adapting their goods to
the peculiar needs of the republics making suitable
terms of credit and employing agents to get the
business.
There may, of course, have been little incentive
for our business men to endeavor to open new mar
kets for their goods in South America years ago,
even had they the opportunities as plainly as
Europeans seem to have them. This country's
manufacturers were fully occupied with domestic
The star-independent. [volume] (Harrisburg, Pa.) 1904-1917, 1915-03-29
JUNIOR CHOIR SINGS
Services at Stevens Memorial Church
Will Be Held Throughout Week

Palm Sunday was observed with
solemn services and special music in
the Stevens Memorial Methodist Epis-
copal church. In the morning the>Junior
choir of one hundred and fifty voices
assisted the minister. AT night DR..
Clayton Albert Smucker preached on
'The Conquering Christ He said
1.-The greatest question of to-day is
the ever new, the perpetual question,
Shall Jesus Christ dominate this age9
Shall God fill the modern heart and
brain and life! Is there room and well
come n the world for the kingdom of
heaveni Are we ready for the new
heaven and the new earth of righteous
ness All questions, all problems, all
histories, all social and national posi-
bilities, all destinies are wrapped up
in our answer to these questions. The
cry of every social question, of every
nationalism, of every civilization, as
of every heart, should be, fHosanna
to the Son David!' Will the heart,
will the people, will America. will the
world, have Christi Will they have
Godi"
DR.. Smucker will be the preacher
each evening at series of Holy Week
services to be held at the Stevens
Memorial church from 7.45 p. m. to
$40 p. m., beginning tonight and
closing Friday night. These services
will be held in the auditorium of the
church. Tonight the Stevens Memor-
ial Male Chorus will sing The minister
will preach on "The Modern Man and
His Church, o,
The star-independent. [volume] (Harrisburg, Pa.) 1904-1917, 1915-03-29
German Submarines suffer

Petrograd, Via London, March %
9.15 A. M.-Severe losses have been
inflicted upon the German naval units
in the Baltic Sea by the Russians, ac
cording to a semi official review of the
operations made public last night. Ger
man submarines are said to have suf
fered considerably while number OF
transports loaded with supplies have
been destroyed. The statement fol
lows:
''Early in September the activity
of Jour fleet in the southern Baltic com
PEELED the enemy to modify his plan
and concentrate his chief efforts upon
operations by submarines. Nineteen
of these attacks were made in two
months but only one was successful
Enemy submarines suffered consider
ably.
''Our fleet has developed intense ac'
tivity along the enemy's coast. Details
Of the operations cannot be published
yet but the enemy suffered heavy losses
in fighting units and has been seriously
impeded in the operations along his own
coasts by the loss of number of trans
ports with munitions.
The star-independent. [volume] (Harrisburg, Pa.) 1904-1917, 1915-03-29
Frenie Recalls capitol Fire

When the old Capitol burned"
said "Toney" Frenie. who has. charge
Of the Senatorial tonsorial establish.
ment when the Legislature is in session
and has been holding down the place
for the last twenty years, ''I was To-.
Gated in the small one.story side add.
tion to the Senate wing, and in the
rack were all of the Senators shaving
mugs. On the stand were many toilet
articles, and yet the only thing that
was burned was a towel-roller. But
that was not all that was lost. Some
bad men got sight of those fancy shaw
ing mugs and they poeketed about a
dozen of them, along with brushes,
combs and few other things. As ev-
erybody was very much excited, it was
an easy matter for thieves to take
whatever came handy. After the fire
the small wing was almost whole, and
only the corner in which the towel was
attached to the roller was burned" !"
Of the Senate attaches who went
through the Capitol FIRE, Mr.. Frenie,
Secretary W. Harry Baker and Senate
Librarian Herman P. Miller are yet
connected with the Senate.
The star-independent. [volume] (Harrisburg, Pa.) 1904-1917, 1915-03-29
TRANSCONTINENTAL TALK
Movies at orpheum Tomorrow to I
lustrate Opening Scenes

The program at the Orpheum the
atre tomorrow afternoon and evening
will be of special interest to. the en-
ployes of, the Bell Telephone Company,
and in fact all persons interested in
the extension of telephone industry,
for among the numbers to be shown
will be a moving picture Illustrating
the extension of the Bell telephone
connections to the Pacific coast.
The moving picture to be shown
at the Orpheum gives interesting
scenes incidental to the first cross con-
tinental talk. This picture has been
shown in some of the larger cites and
has awakened great deal of interest
among persons interested in scientific
achievements.
The mere announcement that the
picture is to be presented at the Or
pheum for one day only has resulted
in "a theatre party that will include
many of the officials and employees of
the telephone company, as well as
many outsiders who have been inter
ested in the extension of telephone
Ines to the Pacific coast.
The star-independent. [volume] (Harrisburg, Pa.) 1904-1917, 1915-03-29

in pamphlet form, and have been dis
tributed widely throughout the State.
Detailed specifications regarding differ
ent types of machinery under each
bead are given in these pamphlets. ANY
person desiring copies of the same will
be furnished with them if they notify
the Department of their wishes. Adj
dress Department of Labor and Indus
try. Harrisburg, Pa, and state in de-
tail the numbers desired, if the com
plete list is not wanted.
Among some of the publications
which have recently been published by
the Department is an Industrial Di-
rectory of the State.
This directory has created consider
able favorable comment, and is a val
liable work of reference. Thousands
have been distributed up to the present
time, hut there still remain a few in the
offices of the Department, and they
will be gladly sent to any person who
should request them, as far as the edi-
ton will last.
The star-independent. [volume] (Harrisburg, Pa.) 1904-1917, 1915-03-29
sie,OOO,OOO Bridge Is Opened

The great Sara bridge, ON the Ganges
river in India, has been opened to traf-
fic, thus inaugurating direct railway
passenger communication across the riv.
er. The bridge is the largest ever con-
structed by British engineers, with the
possible exception of the Forth bridge
in Scotland, The work was begun in
1908. The structure has total length
of $500 feet and consists of fifteen
main spans and six land spans. The
cost is nearly $4,000, 1000.
The star-independent. [volume] (Harrisburg, Pa.) 1904-1917, 1915-03-29
Locating the Laughs.

Once upon a time De Wolf Hopper
was required to play Falstaf in spe-
cial performance of "The Merry Wives
Of Windsor" He sought the help of
William Fl. Crane. famous FalstafI d
twenty-five years ago. II will help
you," Mr.. Crane said II will lend you
my wig, my beard, my costume and
my pad. and will go page by page
through the text with you. pointing
out as / go Just where the laughs are
not"-Indianapolis News.