The Union times. [volume] (Union, S.C.) 1894-1918, 1915-03-05
Distressing.

Distressing.
Dear Sweet Thing-"Aren't you
feeling well?"
Steady-"No; ate German noodle
soup and French fried potatoes for
supper, and they won't arbitrate."
Translated for the Cook.
Customer-"Here, waiter! Where
are the olives? Hold on! Bring me
half melon and some cracked ice."
Waiter Qoudly) y)-"Dumdums, half
bombshell and bowl of shrapnel."
Devotion.
philadelphia Public Ledger)
She-Would you leave your homo
for me?
Held leave baseball game in
the ninth inning with the score n
tie.
A Real Smart Alec.
(Woman's Home Companion)
"What are the two sexes, Alec?"
asked the teacher.
"Masculine and feline" answered
Alec.
In Excellent Form.
buffalo Express)
"My boy, l must congratulate you
on your consistency"
"Thank you, sir, Ter"
eyes, sir, you've worked here three
weeks and you haven't done anything
right yet"
Friend in Need.
The ferret-eyed little man stepped
across the street car aisle and whis-
sered into the car of the tall chap
in gray suit:
"You'd better wipe that bit of egr
off your chin. The income tax man
is just two seats in front of you"
One of the Three.
Susie's grandmother had been scold-
i.g her. Susie felt indignant, but
had been taught never to "answer
back" However, she got even. TAX
ing her kitten in her arms, she thus
soliloguized:
"Kitty, wish one of us was dead
this minute. Not you kitty, nor me
kitty, but one of us three in this
ROOM"
Stingy.
(Kansas City Post)
Mrs. Gordon was spending some
time at Palm Beach, and during be,
stay she wrote her husband, saying
"Dear Will: enclose the hotel bill"
Will wrote back: 81 enclose the
check, but please don't buy any moro
hotels at this price. They are rob-
bing you."
Patient Search.
(New Orleans States)
A man entered the cloak room at
the end of banquet and began to
smash in silk hat after silk hat.
"Hold on, boss! Wot fo' yo'
smashen' all dem high hats?" de-
manded the attendant.
"I'm looking for nv own" the gen
teman answered. "It's an opera hat
-collapsible. you know. None of
these seem to be it."
His Only Chance.
"Why do you carry that umbrella
little boy?" asked the passer-by cn-
riously. "It's not raining and the
sun is not shinlnp."
"I know" said the youth, "but
when it rains Pa wants it and when
the sun shines Ma wants it. and this
is the only kinda weather 1 can git
ter use it at ALL"
Interested Advice.
81 am bothered" he said: az can
marry a wealthy widow whom | don't
love or moor girl that do love in
tensely. What shall I do?"
"Listen to your heart" advised his
rcmnanion, "and marry the one yo.
love-"
"You are right my friend. I shall
mn~rv the girl"
"Then can YOU give me the wild
ow's address ?"-London Opinion.
Pats PrecautiOn.
During the preparation for battle
Pat emerged from his tent wearino
his uniform hind side before. This
soon attracted the attention of y hie
superior officer, who demanded an ex.
planation.
Pat scratched his head and seemed
oath to comply, but finally repled
with sheopish grin: "Well beoorra
Oh wore it this way. thin when o.
had to retrate Oh wouldn't get shot
in the back."-Life.
The Test Supreme.
"You say that women haven't the
endurance of mem"
"Thev haven't"
"That they cannot successfully re-
sist unusual mental strain, or physi-
cal fatigue-that they lack nerve and
patience and enduran.ew