South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1915-02-06
Statesmen Real
and Near.
BY Fred c. Kelly

WASHINGTON, Feb. BY
Newton, assistant secretary Of the
treasury. has an odd little collecting
fad. lie collects the names of liars
over the country who have taken the
credit for a little poem that Newton
once dashed off about New York. The
list of these liars now totals So. One
of the most recent OF these was a
man in Detroit who, just prior to
dying, wrote a letter TO friend in
Washington, saying that he had just
written a poem which he wished TO
hand TO posterity via his friend. The
friend is employed in the treasury de-
partment, and CHANGED to show the
letter TO Newton, who had grown so
accustomed TO hearing of dying men
taking his poem that he merely
smiled, grunted: That makes number
35"-and went on with his work.
While spending a day in New York
recently Newton was handed a rcli-
gious tract by a man on the street,
down in the financial district. On the
subway car, a little later, Newton
looked at the little tract and read
this:
A little while ago there was
bright, young newspaper man in
the city of New York, 81 years
old. He suddenly fell heir TO
$4,000. What pity!
The prodigals wild, swift
course was run, and finally he
awoke one morning in his hotel
to find himself without money
aud without friends. He went to
some of his companions who
were even yet enjoying some of
his money, but could get moth
ing. How true is Luke XIV, mo
man gave unto him."
Then he stepped into a druS
store, got his dose, returned TO
his hotel, wrote these line, and in
few minutes ne was dead!
Here is what he wrote:
A Toast to New York.
Vulgar in manner, oVerfed,
Overdressed and underbred,
Heartless, Goddess, HelPs delight,
Rude by day and lewd by night;
Bedwarfed the man, enlarged his
butte,
Ruled by boss and prostitute.
Purple robed and pauper clad,
Raving, rotten, money mad,
A squirming herd in mammOn's mesh.
A wilderness of human flesh,
Crazed by avarice, lust, and rum,
New York, thy name is DELIRIUM.
There are certain details" re-
marked Newton TO a companion, lin
which this thing here is more or less
inaccurate. In the first place, at the
time / wrote this poem | was more
than 81 years old; i never fell heir TO
any $4,000; / never lived in New
York hotel-and the fact is, l am not
entirely certain that L am dead
Rep. Simeon ID. Tess of Ohio
though one of the scholars of con-
gress, aims to be free from scholarly
eccentricities. AS he was about to
deliver a speech at a county fair last
Fall, Tess CHANGED to note that peek
ing modestly above the top or his
loW-cut shoe was a hole in his SOCK.
He felt that he should avoid making
a public address with a hole in his
sock for two reasons: Because part
OF his audience would keep looking al
the hole and miss what he had TO say
and the rest of the crowd would
think that he wore that kind OF a
sock purposely-to appear, you know,
like one of the common people. FesS,
therefore, sought an emporium, pur-
chased a brand new pair of socks.
made n change. and stuffed the ola
pair into his pocket.
1t was a hot day and in the course
of his speech, Fess frequently was
obliged to reach for his handkerchief
and mop his brow. Every time he
paused to mop his brow, the crowd
applauded boisterously. They not
only showed enthusiasm, but laughed
as if in high glee.
When the speech was over, Tess re-
marked 10 a friend:
Il thought / had a good speech, OF
course. but il never occurred TO me
that il was a particularly witty OF
funny speech. Yet the crowd laugh
ed every little while as If they were
at a vaudeville show and / was the
comic relief following the trained
seals
L don't know what could have
amused them" replied the friend
unless ii was the fact that you kept
wiping your forehead with your sock.
Copyright, 1915, by Fred c. kell! )
II WWaTNHynxy HyrEnG m III