davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26

1t sounded to me like a Swiss
cheese.
Presently Gladiola ran out Of raw
material and subsidized, while we all
applauded her with our fingers crossed,
and two very thoughtful ladies' began
to talk fast to Gladiola so as to take
her mind of the piano.
This excitement was followed by
another catastrophe named Minnehaha
Jones, who picked up a couple of So
prano songs and screeched them at
US.
Minnehaha is one Of those fearless
singers who vocalize without a safety
valve. She always keeps her eyes
closed, so she can't tell just when her
audience gets up and leaves the room.
The next treat was a mixed duet on
the flute and trombone between Clar.
ence Smith and Lancelot Diffenberger
with a violin obligato on the side by
Hector Tompkins.
Never before have / seen music SC
roughly handled.
1t looked like walk-over for Clar
ence, but in the fifth round he blew 9
couple Of green notes and Lancelot got
the decision.
Then, for a consolation prize, Hec
tor led out in the middle of the room
where he assassinated Mascagni',
"Cavalleria Rusticana" so thorough,
that it will never be able to enter
fifty-cent table d'hote restaurant again
Almost before the audience ha,
time to recover Peaches sister, Jen
ME, was coaxed to sing Tosti's Good
By!"
I'm very fond of sister Jennie, bu
I'm afraid II Mr.. Tosti ever heard he
sing his "Good-by" he would say, 9TH
same to you, and here's your hat"
Before Jennie married and move
West remember she had very prett
mezzo-concertina voice, but she's bee
so long away helping Stub Wilson I
make Milwaukee famous that nov
adays her top notes sound like
cuckoo clock after it's been up a
= night.
suppose it's wrong for me to pu
J this about our own flesh and bloc
but when a married woman with s
! fine children, one of them at YaI
/, walks sideways up to a piano and
} gins to squeak, "Good-by, summe
Good-by, summer!" just as II she we
. calling the dachshund in to dinner.
5 think it's time she declined the non
nation.
Then Bud Hawley, after figuring
0 all out that there was no chance Of
I getting arrested, sat down on t
piano stool and made a few sad !
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26

eSAYI DID you ever stray away from
home Of an evening and go to one
of those parlor riots?
Friend wife called it musicale, but
to me it looked more like a session of
the Mexican congress in a boiler fac
tory.
They pulled it of at Mrs. Luella
F'rothingham's, over on the Drive.
like Luella and like her husband.
Jack rockingham, so it's no secret
eOnclaVe Of the Anvil Association
when l whisper them wise that the
next time they give a musical evening
my address Is Forest Avenue, corner
Of Foliage Street, in the woods.
The Frothinghams are nice people
and old friends and they have more
money than some folks have hay, but
that doesn't give them a license to
spoil one Of my perfectly good eve
nings by sprinkling a lot of canned
music and fricasseed recitations all
over it.
The Frothinghams have a skeleton
in their closet. Its name is Uncle
Heck and he weighs 237-not bad for
= skeleton. Uncle Heck Is a Joe Nor
gan. His sole ambition in life is tC
become politely picked and fall asleeT
draped over a gold chair in the draw
ing room when there's high-class com
pany present.
For that reason the Frothinghami
on state occasions put the skids undel
Uncle Heck and run him of stage til
after the final curtain.
On some occasions Uncle Heel
breaks through the bars and dashei
into the scene Of refinement will
merry quip and Jest to the confusion
Of his relatives and the ill-concealet
amusement Of their guests.
This was one OF those occasions.
Early in the evening Jack tool
Uncle Heck to his room, sat him II
front of a quart of vintage and left tn
old geezer there to slosh around in tn
surf until sleep claimed him for it
own.
But before the wine was gone Uncl
Heck put on the gloves with Mo-
pheus. got the decision, marched dow
stairs and into the drawing room
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26
KILL TURKEYS BY STICKING
Fowls Are Drained by Running Point
Of Knife Under Eye Into Brain
Feathers Pick Easily.

The most common way Of killing
turkeys is to hang them up by their
legs and stick them with a. knife in
the mouth, making one or two cuts
diagonally across the roof Of the
mouth. while moving the point of the
knife forward from the edge of the
skull.
After sticking, the birds are Drained
by running the point Of the knife un-
der the eye or into the roof Of the
mouth in such way as to strike the
inside of the skull directly between
the eyes, says writer in Prairie
Farmer. The knife may be slightly
twisted when the point reaches the
brain, the bird giving a characteristic
culver when properly Drained, after
which the feathers pick easily.
The feathers are usually picked in
the following order: Flights, main tail
back, sides, breast, legs and thighs
Turkeys are usually dry picked and
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26

marks, which in their original state
form the basis OF Scotch ballad
called, "Loch Lomond :"
Buds system Of speaking the Eng
lish language is to say with his voice
as much of a word aB he can remem-
Der and then finish the rest Of 1t with
his hands.
Imagine what Bud would do to q
song with an oatmeal foundation Iike
"Loch Lomond."
When Bud barked out the first few
bars, which say "By yon bonnie bank
and by yon bonnie brae," everybody
within hearing would have cried with
Joy II the piano had fallen over on
him and lattened hin equator.
And when he reached the plot of the
piece, where 1t says, you take the
high road and Ill take the low road" ,"
Uncle Peter took a drink, Phil Merton
took the same, Stub took an oath and
| took a walk.
And all the while Buds wife sat
there, with the glad and winning smile
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26
PROBLEM UP TO THE FARMER
Must Solve to His Satisfaction Time
Of Year to Hatch His Birds
Weather Charts Help.

Every farmer and poultryman, says
Professor Rice. must first solve to his
own satisfaction the time Of year in
which to hatch birds so that they
will begin laying just before heavy
frost or freezing weather arrives in
his particular state. This is a very
simple problem, as a glance at the
government and state weather charts
will show the average date of frost
and freezing weather for any given
period Of years. Then, taking into
consideration a particular breed and
familiarizing himself with its charac,
teristics, farmer or poultryman can
set the exact date when eggs should
be Matched 80 as to allow the pullets
ample time to come into full plumage
and maturity before the advent of cold
weather.
II, for example. White Leghorns are
the type chosen. farmer will learn
that these birds usually begin laying
at seven to eight months of age. He
strikes an average time for the ar
rival Of cold weather, probably No
vember Is to 25 He looks at his cal
endar and carefully counts back eight
months and finds that March Is to 2V
is the logical time in which to hatcf
out the birds. Therefore. II Leg
horns are to lay at eight months, they
must have eight months of weather
absolutely adapted to their fullest de
velopment before they can be ex
pected to lay. And they must no
come into laying except in mild weath
er before their vitality has been take,
or impaired by cold.
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26
GOOD WORD FOR THE BIRDS
Beautiful, and Useful In Their Do
structIon Of Much Insect Life
That ls Harmful.

The warm weather has brought the
birds again. Their chirping and sing
ing make morning symphony the like
Of which can be heard from no trained
orchestra. They dot the landscape with
q beauty that no artistic skill can
rival. They are beautiful, useful in
their destruction of harmful insect
pests and aid us nightly in appreciat-
ing the Joy of living.
Now, then, is good time for ro
newed appeal for the lives and we'll
being Of birds
The best instincts Of the human race
are devoted to the saving of all kinds
of life, and sanction the taking Of life
only when such destruction serves 3
purpose useful to mankind.
This cannot be urged in the case Of
the birds. For the most part they are
not food animals. The higher intelll-
gence and spiritualism of humanity
should bring about a concerted move
ment for small bird protection.
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26
Didn't Wal to Learn Details

A gentleman, clad in a plug hat and
an air of determination, together with
sundry other garments not necessary
to enumerate, uprose on a dry goods
box at the most prominent corner in
the village and, holding aloft a vile and
wriggling serpent, invited, in sten.
torian tones. all good people within the
sound Of his voice to gather around
him for profit and entertainment.
What dye s'pse is comm off?" in.
quired a citizen, addressing the Old
Codger.
"Dknow!" snarled the veteran.
"PrOb1y he's some internal office.
seeker who ID going to promise, If we
elect him, to get rid Of all the snakes
in the county by eating EN-. Anyhow,
I'm going home! G'day, Ellsworth -
Kansas City Star.
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26
u ost the Point.

Jones, who appreciates joke, but,
like many others, cannot repeat one
with any degree of success, heard fol-
the first time the joke about the dog
being the most musical of animals,
because he wears brass band round
his neck" and determined to spIang II
on the first party of friends to which
he was invited. The time came, and
he electrified his victims with the ex'
clamation, II say, 4'vea really good
one!" He asked, why is a dog the
most musical of animals?" They gave
it up. Because" announced Jones
triumphantly. "he wears a brass collaI
round his neck"
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26

The eggs should be unwashed, but
clean and, of course, fresh Although
freshly gathered fertile eggs are al
right when put down Immediately,
sterile eggs are preferable. Heated
or doubtful eggs should never be pre-
served.
The water glass method of preserv-
ing is possibly even more common
than the limewater method. Water
glass, or sodium silicate, may be OBJ
tanned from any druggist for from $3.50
to 50 a gallon. This solution of sodium
silicate should be diluted with nine
(9) parts of water, which has been
previously boiled and allowed to cool.
One quart of water glass thus diluted
is sufficient to preserve twelve dozen
eggs. An earthen jar or wooden tub
is preferable for storing, and the same
precautions to prevent evaporation
should be taken in this method as are
taken in the limewater method.
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26

where he Immediately insisted upon
being the life of the party.
Uncle Heck moved and seconded
that he sing the swan song from 10
hengrin," but his idea of a swan was
30 much like a turkey gobbler that
loving friends slipped him the mecca
sins and elbowed him out of the room.
Then he went out in the buffers
pantry hoping to do an Omar Khayyam
with the grape, but not finding any he
began to recite, Down in the Lehigh
Valley me and my people grew; was
q blacksmith, Cap'n; yes, and a good
one, too! Let me sit down a minute,
q stones got into my shoe"
But it wasn't a stone, and it didn't
get into his shoe. 1t was a potato
salad and it got into his face when the
Irish cook threw 1t at him for interfer-
ing with her work.
'Tm discouraged" murmured Uncle
Heck. and presently he was sleeping
with magnificent noises on the sofa
in the library.
There were present at the battle in
the drawing room Uncle Peter Grant
and Aunt Martha; Hep Hardy and his
diamond shirt studs; Bunch Jefferson
and his wife, Alice; Bud Hawley and
his second wife; Phil Merton and his
third wife; Dave Mason and his sta
tionary wife; Stub Wilson and his
wife. Jennie, who is Peaches sister
and few others who asked to have
their names omitted.
The mad revels were inaugurateC
by the Pippin brothers, who attempt
ed to drag some grouchy music out o.
guitars that didn't want to give up
The Pippin brothers part their hair il
the middle and always do the marcel
from THE Babes In Toyland" on thei
mandolins as an encore.
II Victor Herbert ever catches then
thereH be a couple of shine chord
ehokers away to the bad.
When the Pippin brothers took
bow and backed off into a vase O
flowers we were all invited to listen t
a soprano solo by Miss Imogene Glass
face.
y When Imogene sings she make
faces at herself. When she needs
high pote she goes after 1t like a he
after ladybug. Imcgene sang "Sleel
Sweetly Sleep" and then kept U
awake with her voice.
Then we had Rufus KelIar smitl
the parIor prestidigitator. Rufus wa
= bad boy
He caz an omelet in q silk hl
and vi ane handed the hat back
Hep two poaehed eggs fell o.
sre pV''u Hep's hair.
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26

of q swordfish oh her face, listening
with a heart full of pride while hel
crime-laden husband chased that helr
less song all over the parlor, and final
ly left it unconscious under the sofa.
At that point Hep Hardy got up AND
volunteered to tell some funny stories
and this gave us all a good excuse to
put on our overshoes and say Good
night" to our hostess without offend
ing anybody.
Hep Hardy and his funny stories are
always used to close the show.
John" said Peaches after we got
home; 81 want 10 give a musical. May
II"
Certainly, old GIRL" l answered
"Well give one in the nearest moving
picture theater. II we don't like the
show all we have to do is to close ouI
eyes and thank our lucky stars there's
nothing to listen to-"
"Oh! aren't you hatefull" she
pouted.
Maybe l am, bit that
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26
Sensible.

Tho greeting How are your
doesn't seem to me to represent any
sincere and sensible inquiry" re-
marked the man who thinks hard
about tribes. That is true" replied
Miss Cayenne. when meet sew
eral people / know am always tempt.
cd to say why instead OF how"
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26
RlacL Foxes Hard 70 Raise.

Cannibhlistic tendencies developed
in captivity by that valuable fur-bear
er, the black fox, have proved a seri.
Gus drawback to the fox-raising indus.
try of Prince Edwards island, where
300 farm ers are engaged in the bust
ness. Pups are frequently eaten by
their parents, and there are also In
stances of females being killed and
partially eaten by their mates.
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26
pimcuIt Task.

1.-THE responsibilities of parents are
very great" remarked the proud IA
ther.
Undoubtedly, rejoined the old
bachelor. 1T must be awfully hard
for them to refrain from repeating the
smart things their children are sup
posed to say"
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26
First class HatehInu Ean,.

If you buy dollar eggs for Matching,
don't be disappointed If you get
very ordinary quality Of chicks. That's
all you pay for at that rate, and If you
get good chicks consider yourself for
tunate, just as you would IL you
picked up a five-dollar gold piece in
the road. First-class Matching eggs
cannot be produced for one dollar per
aattinR
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26
IL Really Happened.

"You must bring little Gertrude over
and let me take her picture some
time"
"You can't take her picture, Papa
Lewis"
"Why not?"
"She's too wOrmy."
"What?"
"Yes. sir. Papa Lewis, she squirmS
all the time"
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26
One Explanation.

A reporter on country paper had
visited the court for a number Of days
In succession without raising a story
and he complained: What's the rea-
son there is no crime stun around
here any more, judge7" KANT tell,
bub, Iess'n tn constable is gittin' a
leetle Nit laxative" answered the JUS
tice
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26

What Was He Kicking About7
He-You only kiss me now when
you want money.
She-Good gracious. John, isn't that
often enough?-London Mail.
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26
Undoubtedly.

Little Lemuel-What are cobble-
stones, paw"
Paw-They are the kind that are
hard on shoe leather, son."
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26
A Peanut millionaire.

Gyer-A man in our town who made
bis start as a peanut peddler, with
capital Of Z cents, left over a million
when he died.
Myer-DollarsH
Gyer-No; peanuts.
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26
Hens Pay Store Bill.

Every farmer can keep a hundred
or more hens and raise on the farm
at slight cost enough feed to supply
their needs. This number of hens.
II properly cared for, will pay the
store bill for a small family. Try It.
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26
Hens In the Garden.

The hen with unclipped wings will
watch and sing while you plant the
garden seed, and when you leave, over
the fence she will go to gather the
seed from the row.
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26
Accountlnn for II.

MANY marriages are simply blum
ders."
Perhaps 1t is because there is such
a lot Of miss-taking in marriage"
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26

shipped undrawn to market. The long
wing feathers bring a good price on
the market. The methods of killing
and dressing turkeys and chikens are
practically the same.
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26

Speaking OF the capacity to assimi.
late punishment. Pennsylvania man
has taught school for more than fifty
years.
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26

Girls should beware of young Jmen
who pose as candy kids; as hush ands
they are apt to develop into lemon
drops.
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26

It is safer to burn the 'bridg Ies in
front when a powerful enemy Is On the
other side of the creek.
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26
An oddltN.

"The auto face is fixed one"
Eyes. strange to say, 1t is not m
bile"
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26

When it comes to a woman's com
plexion, art can be of considd rable
assistance to nature.
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26

Many a patent leather shoe hides an
aching corn.
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26

The majority of men are like clocks
either too fast or too slow.
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26

The most stubborn fellow in 4 jury
box is generally the one who do es not
seem to have an opinion
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26

AS a rule It is better to chloroform
the sleeping dogs.
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26

Age before beauty-when the census
man calls.
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26

Did you ever get so lonesome that
you wanted to howl like dog?
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26

And the tightwad who has more
money than friends is glad of it.
Middletown transcript., 1915-06-26
INTERNATIONAL.
SUNDGYS0IOOL
LESSON

By E. o. SELLERS, Acting Director OF
Sunday School Course Of Moody Bible
Institute, Chicago.)
Valdez daily prospector., 1915-03-19
Notice of Forfeiture.

To Mrs, M. F. Roberts, her heirs and administrators and to all 1t may concern: You are hereby notified that have expended during the past year, 1914, the sum of $66.66 (sixty-six dol lars and sixty-six cents) lawful money of the United States in labor and i'm provements upon your one-third inter- est in those mining claims lying and being on Avery river. in the recording precinct of Valdez, Alaska, which are known as the Beauty Bird and Beauty Bird No. 1, the location notices of said claims being of record in the office of the commissioner. and rec orded at Valdez, Alaska, pages num- bered 95, 96, in Book 10, Mining Rec ords. in order to hold said claims under the provisions of section 2324 of the Revis d Statutes of the Unit ed States, concerning annual labor on mining claims, being the amount required to ho'd said lode claims for the period ending December, 1914. And unless within ninety days after the completion of the publication Of this notice to-wit: within ninety days after the 7th day of June, 1915, you contribute your proportion of such ex- penditure incurred in performing said annual labor and improvements, which is the sum of $66.66, your in terest in said claims will become the property of your co-partners, who have made the required expenditure by the terms of said section.
 Dated at Valdez, Alaska. this Sth day of March, 1915.
 JULIUS RONNING.
 Last publication June z, 1915.
Valdez daily prospector., 1915-03-19
HOAXED THE STATESMEN.
And at the Same Time Paul Birault
 Proved His Proposition.

Paul Birault. a writer on the Paris Eclar contended that too many stat ues were being erected all over France to obscure heroes. too many official speeches made to celebrate intellectual nonenitics, and Radical politicians gen eraIly are the blindest leaders of the blind.
 To prove his theory that this was due to the fact that the living were delight ed by public posing. he invented a eel ebrity to glorify and called him Hege sippe Simon. No such man ever exist ed. but he described him in his letter as most wonderful precursor of mod ern light and progress. To give his let ter certain importance he headed it with a motto to the following effect. Darkness fades when the sun rises representing it as the most remarkable dictum of the remarkable Hegesippe Simon.
 Under this glorious motto he placed the title of his bogus committee. which he dubbed public committee for the celebration of the centenary of Hege- sippe Simon" He selected the names of 100 Radical deputies in alphabetical order and sent them each a letter. in which he said: ",Thanks to the liberal, ity of generous donor.- the disciples of Hegesippe Simon are now enabled to erect a statue in his honor. We de- sire to inscrbe your name as an honor ary member of the committee to cele- brate the centenary of this great edn cator of democracy"
 Birault received letters of accept, ance from large number of deputies. senators and ministers. Louis Post Dispatch.
Valdez daily prospector., 1915-03-19

veloped by good business methods.
 Hotheads in this country and Japan continually harp upon the possibility of war between the two countries like small boys who, by discussing the possibilities of fight between two of their comrades, hope to bring about the fight which they desire to witness. There is no adequate reason for war between this country and Japan. Such sources of irritation as have at times existed are merely mi nor affairs which should be adjusted in 9 less destructive way. As to economic rivalry in the Pacific, the conflict of our interests with those of Japan is entirely too slight to lead war Our trade with China is too small to warrant attempting to pro- tect it at the cost of war, with it's corresponding possibilities upon our trade with Japan. As to our at- tempting to check Japan in her ex- pansion on the mainland of Asia, there are three good reasons against such a course The growth of Japan's in- fluence on the mainland is the effect of natural economic forces, which can scarcely be opposed, and only at great cost. Public sentiment here does not support such course of action. and the advantage to be gain ed is too little in comparison with the cost Finally, the relations be- tween foreign countries are none of our business; no one has yet consti- tuted us an international policeman. Our true interest lies in working alliance with Japan which will safe guard and foster the mutual interests of the two countries in the Pacific, and no time should be lost in bring ing it about.-Ex.