The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1915-01-17


kind of regal beauty, the pose of fine
breeding the composers OF perfect self
control. The strands of silver in her
dark hair did not necessarily tell the
story Of suffering, but at times the arc
OF her lips grew hard, her eyes mar
ruNed, her face became masklike. The
years when she lived in the horrible
unreal world, in constant fear of being
taken TO a mad house whenever friend
took her abroad, had left their mark.
This Is her story as she told II to me:
To begin with. suffered from pc
riodlcdl headaches. They had been
coming since | was 9 years old and
each attack drove me almost insane
cur family physician, unable to find the
seat Of the trouble Contented himself
with treating the symptoms by giving
me hypodermic injections of morphine.
| thought those injections bdnished the
pain, but / now know that they only
banished my ability to feel pain. be-
sides which they taught my nerves a
new sensation, one of ease and restful-
ness. a delicious relaxation that was as
unnatural as it was unhealthful. The
after effect of this relaxation was
sense of compression, contraction and
pain. | thought that was the after
math of the headache, but in reality 1t
was the last effect Of the morphine.
In time this periodical administer
ing of morphine GREETED a genuine drug
hunger In my veins and tissues. In
short, l had become a dope fiend and
did not know IL. | had been made into
one by the man who had been my
physician since childhood To be sure,
| blame him for nothing but ignorance;
yet is not ignorance "A crime in a physi-
clan who is prescribing habit forming
drugs? But remember i had never
yet consciously craved morphine or
taken it deliberately.
With this unsupported habit burrow-
ing deeper and deeper into my life, 7
grew TO womanhood and married. I
loved my husband and my children. I
loved books and horses and motoring.
l belonged to clubs and a church. l
had an interest in philanthropc mat
tiers. | gossiped, l danced. | played
golf. Sometimes I think I even did
fancy work Despite the periodical
headaches, l lived a generally active
life and was happy-yes, | think | may
say very happy, until one very terrible
day when a great tragedy came into
my life.
! will not tell you what it was. So
far as / can judge 1t was something
beyond my control, something for which
] had no responsibility And yet the
drug may have been the cause. I do
not know. 1t was one of those things
that make life seem worse than death,
yet which places death beyond one.
The one uncomfortable desire was to
drive 1t from my mind, to forget. l
turned to morphine. Up to that day
] felt | never had taken the drug vol
unfairly; ! was driven 10 It by physical
Illness, not to soOthe my mind. That
day l became a morphine fiend.
Slipping out Of the house, walked
into a drug store and purchased my
first vial Of the tablets. ! bought II
as unconcernedly as | would have
bought talcum powder, and the drug
gist sold 1t as indifferently as If it had
been a package of chewing gum. !
shall always remember how that vial
stood up before my eyes on the little
inlaid table in my boudoir, beside which
l sat down with a feeling indescribably
desperate
If | had only known! Yet | can
be honest enough with myself to con-
fess il would have been no use to tell
me. / was doomed already. The cells
of my body had been taught the value
false value, but the cells did not know
1t was false-of the drug stimulus. Now
in this great crisis they cried out for
morphine. When | needed to be strong
est | was weakest / should have gone
to God. Instead | went to an apothe-
cary. / turned from the source of all
spiritual strength to hook upon a drug
In a bottle.
After a long time. a very cong time
I opened the vial and swallowed a grain
IF morphine. That act was my first
deliberate concurrence in the habit.
| need not tell any user OF the drug
what a delicious sense of satisfaction
and security, what a glorious conf
dence in the successful treatment of
all the ills which threatened my life,
came with the effects of that first
grain. My mental processes were
"speeded up" amazingly. l was as
strong as twenty women. I could en-
dure anything. / could conquer any
thing.
There was not horror, there was
not tonture, a dread. a laceration uf
my heart, that could not be overmas-
tered. Minute by minute I mounted
IN plnons of hope. l scared like the
eagle into the eye of the sun. The
world grew brighter and brighter.
That was the ascending, stimulating
curve OF the drug effect; but it was
succeeded by a much longer and more
precipitous curve OF depression. Pres
emily II seemed as If the light were
failing. The sky became overcast.
made the horrible discovery that
was no longer mounting but descend
ing-falling faster and faster into an
abyss that became grayer blacker and
olacker.
A chill OF fright and terror seized
me. The sun had become a fading star
whose rays were faint and cold and
far away. And still | continued to fall.
] looked down into the blackness. Was
there no bottom? When my eyes
turned skyward again even the fading
star was gone. The abyss above was
as black as the abyss beneath,
screamed in terror, l prayed that
the fall might end-end even though
my body We're to be dashed to pieces
upon some uncharted ledge of those
horrible depths of despair which were
being so swiftly sounded. l longed for
the crash, / knew 1t must come.
A, NJ