The central record. (Lancaster, Ky.) 18??-current, 1915-05-13
By NJ. QUAD


"Gcntlcmcn. we have FIRE eater IN
this town named Colonel Sebastian.
lie has several peculiar theories Of his
own. aud ! wish 20 post you IN adj
vance. lie Is very strong IN his talk
aud should you differ with him he will
challenge you 10 duel The colonel
Is dead shot, and hope youll take
n friendly tip aud not engage In
discussion Let him have his own
way aud never mind what he says"
The colonel bad never killed any one
yet. but that he stood ready to do so
II his opinions were disputed the land
lord felt dead certain. aud 50 we agreed
20 agree with the colonel II he came
mall but one. The exception WAS the
smallest aud the most humble looking
man among the guests. No one knew
that be had made up his mind to OPP
pose the colonel. and when the latter
entered. half an hour later. he picked
him out ~ the crowd ~ good man TO
80 for. lie got alongside Of him and
after n bit turned on him with:
"PcrhnpS YOU have not been inform.
ed that am the originator Of the idea
that all men were once animals of
some sort aud that perfection has been
reached only after many centuries of
timer"
"No, sir, | haven't" was the prompt
reply.
But | nm, subj and what do you
think Of the idcay'
what ldeaf'
why, the one Just stated. think
you heard me. subj think you did"
"Oh. remember! Well. don't train
with that crowd, thank heaven
"Suh, do you know what you are
sayingT' cried the colonel.
81 do"
And that your language. sub. Is
personally offensive personally often
slve.
I'm sorry You belong TO the crowd
who furnishes great ideas"
Crowd. sub! why, you have gross
ly insulted me AMI must Mt once npol-
ogize or accept challenger
Bring on your challenge. colonelr'
"Then you will fight me. subj"
Certainly. Just name time, place
and weapons. by the way. | want TO
leave in the morning Can't we fight
In the billiard room. out I'm the yard.
up In my roomi No use waiting until
tomorrow"
"And you1l fight me. subj" gasped
the colonel
with the greatest OF pleasure. and
I'll bet a thousand dollars 10 shilling
Kill you. Where can we get swords,
rifles. pistols or bowie knivesI ! am
just aching TO fight you
"Wcre you told about me, sub, befo'
I appeared here this EVENING"
ooh, yes"
You were told that was Colonel
sebastianJ"
IL believe that was the name"
THE Colonel Sebastian Of the Eff
teenth TeXasy''
Eyes. the Tenth or the Fifteenth"
"Who led the charge at Malvern
Hlny"
at was something like that"
"Not only one charge. sub, but three
three desperate chargcs!"
They say five. but let Il go at
three"
And, subj" said the colonel as he
frowned like n bushel of carpet tacks.
did you hear that was n duelisty"
Something was said to that effect"
And that ! had had twelve affairs
Of honah?"
"Only twelve. colonel? Why under
stood II was twenty replied the 9th
er. "Well. this one will make you thlr-
teen"
"Yes, sub yes, sub. win you honah
me by giving your manner
Name? Please excuse me for my
forCetfulness. Did you ever hear OF
General Chllvers"
why Why
"Of the Louisiana TlgersT'
"Who what
"Who led nine desperate charges at
second Bull RUM"
BLESS me, subj
"And who has Killed three times the
number of men that you have In
duelsi"
General Chllvcrs"-
"Never mind that. colonel. You have
challenged me, and | accept Let us
have Il over with MS soon as possible. |
as I have some business to attend TO-"
General Chilvers'-
81 choose pistols. and | don't think |
I,fafr. |
Where shall we goT"
The colonel swallowed HIS Adams |
apple three or four times and then /
asked:
"You you won't apologize?"
"No. sir. never, MY object Is 10 XIII
Won and get thcorist on the earth.
Hurry mp, or may not be able 10 hold
myself"'
The colonel was "a his feet, but he
lrew himself up. settled his hat on his
head and his face was as white as
Hour and his voice tremblcd as he said
"Suh, | am fighter and a dead shot
1ut as this IS my birthday, sub, and !
lon't want 10 stain II with blood !
overlook your rather eccentric ways"
And when the silence had lasted five
ohg minutes the landlord turned 10
he small and humble man aud gasped
"For heavens sake. who and what
re you?"
And the reply was:
ooh. I'm Just Simmons, and | trav
! for Chicago crockery house. This
: my first trip"