The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1915-01-07
HIS EXPERIENCE
BY PETER HlckUM.

don't propose to make myself ex-
ira ridiculous by calling myself a
hero. My solitary, wifeless existence
! In this secluded grove must not be
ascribed to poverty or misanthropy'
| as own several nice farms and would
| graciously permit any mddle-aged lady
| to superintend the said real estate ana
my piano; but my solitary life Is due
to my two besetting sins-having
loved too many girls, and having been
too good.
| am myself too far advanced In
life to gain benefit from my sad expe-
Renee but 1T might be of value to
those who are not too old to learn.
My childhood shall be skipped, with
the laconic allusion that | wasn't the
worst boy in my native village on the
Rhine.
When asked what | intended to
make of myself, | always answered
by looking at the nearest girl handy.
My father. who was a physician of
considerable fame, had burning de-
sire to have me, his son Peter, be-
come a doctor Of medicine and sur
gerry. He sent me at the early age OF
seventeen to a celebrated medical col
lege, accompanied by his warmest
wellwishes and bundle Of rules In
regard to my behavior while away
from home. My arrival at the seat OF
learning caused some head-shaking
among the skull-capped professors and
considerable giggling among the stu
dents. To remove my bashfulness
was ordered to occupy dark corner
of the school-room--all to myself
where | was told to study the anat-
omy of grnning monkey, and to tell
what | knew about the bones when
the teacher came around.
But, alas, | was disturbed in my
anatomical studies by rafting noise
in the back yard. Casting my eyes
from my subject into the back yard,
| espied a fair maiden pumping els
tern water with all her might. She
looked up and l again looked down.
until the fair pumper had filled the
bucket and pumped my heart clear
into the back yard.
| forgot to peruse any more the
frightful skeleton, but my eyes con-
stantly explored the contents of that
fatal back yard.
The fair pumper, my first love, was
seen by me no more. pinned and be-
came haggard-looking; my teachers
felt my pulse and shipped me home
without delay.
/ recovered from the fever in about
two months. and went to a circus. l
became greatly interested in the wax
figures of Cain, who killed Abel, end
in the eleven good apostles.
But the curtain rose, when, 10 and
behold there stood a lassie with
shining golden hair. I loved her with
out the least preliminaries. and
couldn't sleep for many nights on &C.
count Of the charming circus-girl.
Then I emigrated to this country,
where | have been entirely too good,
and loved fair damsels by the score.
Ha! didn't / think that by carrying
my whole early apple crop to those
three Sand Hill ladies the oldest
would reciprocate my ardent affection?
But she snubbed me as soon as the
early apples ceased coming.
And that preachers daughter, whom
I first saw and loved at the Oak Hill
camp-meeting She came near splitting
in my face
The Dipperman girl held out seduc-
tive inducements until when l popped
the question she crawled away with
my bleeding heart, telling me that she
couldn't leave her parents for such q
forlorn-looking wretch as | was.
The Fulton countv girl smiled as
long as let her father have his own
way with my corn and hogs, but talked
bad to me as soon as l vetoed his
thievish proceedings.
| don't wish to mention the four
school-marms | once dearly but valnly
adored, nor will | tell the particulars
about my short marriage with an ex-
war-widow, who cost me 81 for the
modifying and 800 for loosening 1t.
I am now nearly seventy years OF
age, lead a frugal life, supply several
destitute widows with fuel, and live
a hermit life in this patch of timber
which some sarcastic local newspa-
per writer christened Misery Grove,
because, as he fiendishly explained,
"Old Peter is a miser in misery"
I will persist that | would be as
happy as the majority If | were equal
ly mean. But the way it stands | am
without peer in this section, by rea-
son of having loved too many girls,
and having practiced that other be-
setting sin, not having been good
enough to myself but too good to