The Detroit times., 1915-08-19
HUMAN FLIES.
~ Or. FRANK CRANE
Copyright. 1915. by Frank Crane)

Il 1
Oh for human fiy-swatter! That Is,
for some sort Of swatter that would OBJ
literate the human fly.
The most prominent trait of fly is
his ability and disposition to bother. He
is essential. concentrated botheracious-
ness.
He is the arch intruder. He is the type
Of the unwelcome. His business is to
make you quit what you are doing and
attend to him.
He makes the busy cook cease her
bread making to shoe him away. He dis
turbs the sleeper to brush him of. He
Is president and chairman of the execu-
tive committee of the amalgamated as
ISOLATION Of al pesterers, irritators and
nuisanceS.
The human fly IL the male or female
Of the genus homo who is like the house
fly.
Some children are flies. They are so III
bred and undisciplined that they perpet-
ually annoy their mother until her
nerves are frazzled, and make life mis-
cradle for any guests that may be in
the house. It may be well to be kind
and thoughtful toward the little darlings,
but the first lesson q child should be
taught is so to govern himself as not to
be q bother. There are respectful, con-
siderate and unobtrusive children-alas
too fewl
There are fly wives. Realizing their
own pettiness they gain their revenge
by systematically irritating the husband.
They make a weapon Of their weakness.
They soon acquire the art of Fostering,
nipping and buzzing, keep the man in
perpetual temper, and blame him for it.
You can't talk to them. Nothing can
cure them but an eleven foot swatter.
And they don't sell them.
Some men are just as bad. Married to
superior woman such man is inward
ly CALLED by his own conscious inferior
ity. So he bedevils her in ways indirect
He enjoys seeing her in state Of sup
pressed Indignation. He keeps her on
edge. His persecution is all the moro
unbearable because it is the unconscious
expression of his fly nature. Also for
him there is no cure but to wait till he
lights some time and swat him with
some giant, Gargantuan swatter. And
they're all out of these, too, at the store.
There are office flies, likewise, who get
into your room, occupy your extra chair,
and buzz you for an hour upon some sub
ject that you don't care whoop in Hall
fax about. Your inherent politeness pre-
vents you from kicking them out, hui
mainly will not let you poison them, and
there is law against shooting them.
There ought to be an open season for
office flies.
Where the human flies are proudest in
&c I~x
ever, is in meeting. Wherever you
have conference, committee meeting.
or convention, there they buzz, tickle,
ity waiting while they air their inco-
herence They suggest, amend, and raise
objections. They never do anything it
is their business to annoy people who do
things.
/ do not wish to seem unkind to my
fellow creatures, but it does seem as il
to all legislatures, conventions, and
other gatherings there should be an an
teroom where the human flies could he
gently but efficaciously swatted.
There are Senate flies, as well as
House flies, politicians whose notion of
their duty appears to be that they should
vex. tantalize and heckle the opposing
party at every point.
There are fly newspapers, whose only
policy seems to be petty, vicious annoy
ance.
There are fly preachers, with cheap
efficiency in diatribe and sarcasm, and
no wholesome. constructive message.
There are fly school teachers, who hec-
tor and scold; fly pupils, who find and
fasten upon the teachers sensitive spot;
fly beggars, who will not be put aside;
fly reformers, who can only make
trouble; fly neighbors, who cannot mind
their own business fly shop keepers, who
will not let you buy what you want.
And the name of the devil himself is
Beelzebub; which being interpreted
means Lord of Flies"