davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
4 Mislsadinn Audience-

Why doesn't young BHggins make
more progress in his studies?"
He doesn't get the proper kind Of
encouragement His father doesn't
take any interest in what the boy
knows about the classics, but is en-
thusiastic about the way he can play
Accomplishments on the banjo
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
Monsrch's Pebuke,

Charles the Second, for whom the
earl of Rochester made this epitaph,
Never said a foolish thing and never
did a wise one" could convey a re
proof with wit and gentleness. When
Penn stood before him, with his hat
on, the king took off his own.
Friend Charles" said the Quaker,
why dost thou not put on thy hat?"
a tbs the custom of this place." re-
turned the king. that never more than
one person should be covered at a
time"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
Under Suspicion.

Several members of a women's club
were chatting with little daughter
Of their hostess
q suppose you are a great help to
your mamma said one.
"Oh, yes" replied the little miss,
"and so is Ethel; but it is my turn to
count the spoons today after the com
pany is gone Judge.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
The Innocent Wife.

Mrs. Myles-Do you put your furs
in cold storage in summer?
Mrs. Styles-Yes; my husband al
ways attends to that.
Where does he go?"
Il don't know where the place is"
do you know the name?"
We'll. I've heard him say he was
taking them to Hocki"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17

OUR OWN DRUGGIST WILL TELL YOU
~ Murine Eye Remedy for Red, Weak, Watery
yes and Granul2ted Eyehdst No snartiqg-
mail Free. Murine EYs Remedy Co.. Chicago
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
Not Sunerstitious, But

He-Are you superstitious when
thirteen persons sit down to the table
at the same time?
She-Well, not superstitious, but l
am sometimes worried, If / have
cooked only enough for ten."-Wom-
ans Home Companion.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
The Fighters Sometimes Live.

Baeon-I see that, as rule, married
men live seven years longer than
bachelors, and wives five years longer
than maids.
Egbert-And yet they want to make
Us believe that fighting kills of so
many quickly.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
Just So.

There are various sorts Of foolish
ness"
For instance ?'
"a man will buy a cheap theater,
give his growing sons the run of it,
and then will be surprised when one
of them marries an actress. Louis
vile Courier-JournaI.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
Shakv Experience.

Look here" said the visitor; 81
thought you said there wasn't any
malaria in this neighborhood."
u reckon I did say somethin' like
that" replied Farmer Corntossel.
But you and your entire family
appear to be shaking with chills and
fever"
We've just got back from ridin'
in our brand-new little automobile an
we amt quite recovered from the
motion"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
That Dental Treatment.

'Pop!"
Yes, my SON"
when you went to school did they
punish your"
"Oh, yes, my boy, with a rattan
Don't they punish the boys now?''
"Oh, yes; they pull their teeth"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
DAISY FLY KILLER
HAROLD soMERs. $50 De Kals
The Facts in the Case.

who struck Billy Patterson" asked
the law examiner.
AN arrest was made following the
assault" wrote one student, "and the
magistrate held the accused for the
grand jury. An indictment followed.
and when the case came up for trial
the accused was convicted An ap-
peal was taken and the argument will
be heard next fall. In the meantime
the accused has been released on
habeas corpus and has established an
alibi, Billy's chances of getting dam
ages are just 1 to 1913 ,427"
The examiner predicts that the man
who wrote this will be one of the
shining lights in his profession.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
Almost the Same.

Did you ever hear OF real goose
laying a golden egg?" asked the young
seeker after knowledge. No. said
his experienced papa, but a young
duck-I forget his name-once laid
a ten-dollar bet with me and the
money was counterfeit"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
Eucs Reuuire Water.

A great amount OF water is used 20
form an egg.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17

spraying on time the work may be
begun when about 80 per cent of the
petals are off. At that time there is
very little nectar left in the blossoms
to attract the bees, so there will be
but slight harm, if any, done to those
friendly little visitors.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
His Question

Seven men out Of every ten are
confounded bores!" emphatically de-
clared Alexander Akinside, the dys-
peptic dissertationist.
Why except the other three?'
snarled ]. Fuller Gloom. the widely
known and cordially detested misan-
thrope.-Judge.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17

placed anywhere, At
tracts and kills ali
hies. Neat, clean. Or
namentAl. convent
cheap. Lasts al
season. N lad e of
metal, c&n'tspillor tip
overj will not soiI or
/ njure anything.
Guaranteed effective.
Al! dealers orssent
express paid for f1.ah
Ave. Brooklyn, N. Y.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
,u, .SZN\LES
&. y -
More Lioht.

What's the matter with the man
who has charge Of the nghts?" asked
the prima donna.
Why" came from the manager.
Last night it was so dark the au-
dience could hardly see the stage"
Really"
Surei How Go you suppose the
people are going to know this is
light opera?'
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
OHhand Opinions,

Very remarkable, said the man Of
ponderous maner. This dinotherium
that has been discovered in New York
seems very curious"
Whats a dinotherium?
''Why-er-a dinotherium is anoth-
er place to dine"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
To No Purnose

Pa, what is meant by a flibus-
ter?"
In the recent deadlock on the shin
purchase bill, my son, it meant a great
Ceal of wasted talk. with extra accent
on the bust"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
His Experience

Singleton-Whata wonderful change
a good woman can work in a mans
life.
Wederly-Yes; and what a wonder
ful lot Of char sc she can work ont o.
him.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
Goino Their WaY,

'The uplift movement has gained
great Roadway, hasn't it,"
How SOP"
There seems to be uprisings going
on everywhere"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
Detected.

How do you like your new cook?"
why, professor, how did you know
that +"
7 noticed strange thumb print on
my soup plate. Judge.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
Certainly Not.

How do you like living in the sub
urbs, Johnson %
How do 1 know? I only sleep
there, and a man can't form an opin-
ion il his sleep"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
Of Course.

Now. will you have the locks on
this desk black or bronze?"
Bronze, l believe. Since my own
locks are golden the others should
harmonic, don't you Think"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
Gardeners Best Friends.

1t does not take birds long to digest
their food, and therefore it is difficult
TO estimate the number of harmful
parasites devoured by them. They are
among the gardeners best friends.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
The Classic

DO you admire the classic?" in
CURED the student
Well" replied the theatergoer. Il
don't care much for it in literature,
but it's all right in dancing"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
ParadoXical Result

Il made Miss Pert a tender of my
hand
Well, what luck did you have with
your tender?"
Tough luck"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
Who Wants to Be One?

"a shop girl says it is easy enough
to live on IS a week"
"Cf course. The average Patago-
man lives on considerably less than
that"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17

A few radish seed scattered with
onion or other slow growing seed will
mark the rows, so that cultivation
may begin even before the plants are
M
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
A More Important Question.

Darling" he said, 'would you CON
tinue to love me if were to be poor
all my life?"
My dear" she asked him, would
you continue to love me if you should
chance to become a millionaire"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
He Mas Interested

Say, pa, I see a lot in the papers
about men standing in the bread line"
well, my boy?"
Don't they ever have a cake line
for small boys to stand in?"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
Rich Soil Makes Profits.

It is soil fertility which produces big
crops of wheat. corn, barley, rye, oats,
potatoes, alfalfa and clio 7er. Soil must
be rich or profits will he marked by
their absence.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
Mountains That Are Maonets,

The mountains of Porto Rico are so
magnetic that they attract surveyors
plumb lines, and it has been found
that some old surveys are incorrect
by half mile or more.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
cuItiuatnr IN e-rden

Keep the cultivator going in the
garden. 1t is easier to get rid of the
weeds when they are small than when
they are well established.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
The Only WaY.

Il understood he made a fortune out
Of wheat?"
Yes"
"Speculator?"
mo. Farmer"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
Literal.

They say Mrs. De Style always
welcomes her poor relations under
her roof"
Yes; I understand she puts them
in the attic"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
A Motor Eiend

why is Duckftz going about with
an automobile tire on his arm?''
Mere force of habit. His car is
being repaired"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
Cause for GIee.

What makes Miss Wasp look SO
appy?"
Small waists are coming in again
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
Soak Plants thoroughly

Soak celery or tomato plants thor
oughly several hours before trans
planting. This will enable you TO
carry. more dirt with the plant
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
Pertinent Query.

Omar (quoting)-A fool and his
noney are soon parted.
Heiny-What was it this time-wine
roman or song?
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
A Hard Task.

Miss May certainly has the male
contingent at her feet But she is
rather a capricious belle, isn't she?"
yes, a belle who is going to be
very hard to ring"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
Drink Denison's Coffee.
Always pure and delicious.

Footprints on the sands Of time"
eIdom are left by those who march
by the clock"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
Invariably The Case.

When first a man for office tries
He thinks one term enough will be;
But every man who lands a prize
Is out for two, and maybe three.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
A Sample SneciYnen.

81 understand the father Of the
bride has several other daughters to
dispose of in marriage"
Yes; I suppose that is the reason
he gave this one away"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
rhorouah Cultivation Best.

Thorough cultivation must be given
vegetables, fruit and flowers, If best
results are to be obtained.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
Insult Resented,

Isn't your wife, sir, little ad-
dicted to loquacity?"
"Of course not, doctor. My wife
never touches drop of anything
strong"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
Municipal Psychology.

A city's made of patient stuff,
When worthy strangers strike it.
The more they tell it that it's tough
The more it seems to like it.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
Mid Years.

She-What is the most popular
dance at Princeton?
He-That Latin trot.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17

80 the Germans are using green
yas."
Yes, / suppose by way of putting
he allies in a blue funk"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
Poultry Failures.

One reason a lot Of people fail in
the poultry business is because they
| do not start right.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17

The Visiting Preacher-You've got
your choir so screened off that it's
really "a choir invisible"
The Regular Preacher-Yes; but not
inaudible. You can still hear them
Quarreling.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17

Time softens all things-except a
.ilway restaurant sandwich.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17

1t is possible to perform lot of good
deeds and never receive a round of
applause.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
Drink Denlson's Coffee.
Always pure and delicious.

Our favorite order-the American
agile.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
INNS Ennd of Beets.
Facilitates Cultivation.

Hogs are fond of sugar beets and
thrive on them.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
OratoricaI Assistance.

Lady" said Flooding Pete, "do you
want any wood chopped?"
YES"
We'll, if you'll gimme my dinner,
I'll hang around an give yer husband
an yer two grown sons an eloquent
discourse on how wrong it is of 'em
not to turn in an do DER duty"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
His Valor,

IF l was an Indian fighter
wouldn't like to fight the Crow In
dians."
why not the Crow Indians espe-
cially?"
Because how can a Crow ever
show the white feather"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
Terminal Portion of Young Apple
Tree, the Leaves Dwarfed and
CurIed by Injury of the Apple Leaf
Hopper.

from the remaining $500 that were not
sprayed.
The fact is that after the disease
and insects have become serious, as
they were in the case just mentioned,
it is practically impossible to make
an orchard business pay without
spraying. Thus the business of fruit
growing in a great many cases abso-
lutely depends upon spraying.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1915-06-17
Charcoal Important Item.

Powdered charcoal is an important
item in the chicks ration.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1915-12-16
More Meat Animals Needed

David L. Houston, Secretary of Agriculture, in his annual report, says that what is needed more, per haps, than anything else is an in- crease in meat animals, and to that end his department has extended It's activities as far as it's funds would permit.
 The losses of live stock from dis ease have been enormous and it IS to the elimination of the diseases now prevalent that the efforts of special ists are directed It is estimated that the loss in live stock last year, in- cluding poultry, totaled approximate ly $216,00O,000. The loss from hog cholera alone amounted to 75,000,- 900.
 The eradication of the cattle tick in Alabama has been worth millions of dollars to this state. The success ful operation of the dipping vats has brought great encouragement to those farmers who are turning their at tention to beef cattle, and this will result in large extension of this highly profitable branch of hus- bandry.
 Alabama will doubtless continue tc produce about one-tenth of the south's entire cotton crop. But this must be done without any Tagging in the all important campaign for crop diversifi- cation. Alabama's corn production this year has exceeded that of 1914 by fully 40 per cent; probably 45 pel cent And a larger corn acreage should be planted in 1916. Acting on the suggestion of the Secretary of Agriculture, the farmers
 will raise more hogs and more cat tie. And with Alabama feeding her
 self and more, cotton will be, as i
 should have been years ago, the sur
 plus crop.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1915-12-16
Merit Is Recognized

Directors of the Southern Baseball association, in annual meeting here yesterday, recognized ability, faith ful service and conscientious effort when they unanimously reelected R H. Baugh of Birmingham as presi- dent for the forthcoming year. The last year in baseball was the most troublous in the modern his tory of the game and the Southern league, in common with other organ. izations, had it's difficulties. These difficulties were solved with rare
 tact, with unswerving honesty anc
 sincerity and flawless wisdom by MT Baugh, and the directors were quick
 to recognize this.
 MT. Baugh has proved a worthy
 successor to the lamented Judge Kav.
 anaugh and he bids fair to have as | illustrious a career in baseball as die
 the Little Rock jurist. MT. Baugh is a sportsman himself and he requires sportsma ship in the men directing the clubs under his care.
 MT. Baugh proved himself during
 the last season an admirable execu- tive, cool when others were losing
 their tempers under the strain of a heart-breaking pennant race, and ab. solutely impartial in his dealing with all clubs of the league.
 No man in the south is better fitted to lead Dixie's major to another sea- son of prosperity and profit.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1915-12-16
Great National Issue

There seems to be no question but that majority of thoughtful, patriotic Americans are heartily in favor of Pres ident Wilson's national defense pro- gramme and I believe that the main fea- lures of it will be adopted by Congress, said Newton J. Brady of Chicago' While most of the democrats will be expected to support the administration, national preparedness is not party is- sue. It is a great American issue. am a republican, but I would be sorry indeed if the Presidents defense policy was re- jected.
 Tn my travels I frequently meet an ultra-pacifist. The people who are in- fluenced by MT. Bryan's peace-at-any- price talk would be glad to see the army reduced in numbers instead of increased and all work on the navy stopped. The arguments which such people advance are simply peevish.
 "I hope the United States may never be drawn into European war, but how can any nation make demand for just treatment when a foreign power is dis posed to assert itself unduly, unless there be adequate military and naval strength behind the administrative au- thorities?
 T hope to see every republican in Con- gress stand by President Wilson in his preparedness programme"
The Birmingham age-herald., 1915-12-16
How to Minimize Risk

The recent robberies of handbags car ried by ladies on the street has caused a great deal of comment in the police de- partment as to the way to educate the women not to carry any large amount in their purse and to hold the purse it. self, instead of the straps on it, when shopping in the downtown district In speaking of the risk in carrying the or dinary handbag, Detective Propst said "If the ladies would only have the dis cretion to take the purse itself and hold it in their hand with a firm grip and at the same time be wary of the straggler who eyed her closely, there would be less purse snatching.
 NO lady should carry a large sum of money in her, purse, unless it is ir a pocket which Is concealed so that il cannot be reached by the pickpocket Most of the robberies of purses are per petrated by negroes, though some o1 them are the work of high class pick pockets. The temptation is great when thief sees a we'll dressed woman with a pocketbook suspended by a thin leather strap, going along the street in a careless manner. When attacked by the thief the lady should be as cool as possible ana try to get description of her assail. ant. We hope to have the ladies to co. operat with us in our efforts to stor these robberies'
The Birmingham age-herald., 1915-12-16
A VICTIM OF POEsY.

Sweeping the waves of the turbulent sea Back from the shore with a broom, Doesn't seem overly hard to the man Who sits in a small, bare room Reading the copy that comes pouring in From the distant corners of earth And finding but little contained in the To Ssalk WaEeuA euAis pride of his mirth. And the copy that filters his desk night
 and morn
 And seems every day to grow worse Is the kind no editor wants to receive In short, unsolicited verse. But the bards are tireless and very prolix And simply will not take rest; And the latest effusions they write, we
 ~ are told,
 They swear by the gods are the best. A thousand waste paper baskets are full And a thousand more shall be, But the poets keep sending their manu-
 scripts in
 For the editors eye to see. That's why he looks so hopeless,y sad And why he's so haggard and pale He'll never know peace till his life is OCT From the singers who camp on his trail.