davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25
TASK TOO MUCH FOR TIMOTHY
Unfortunate Man Unequal 20 Com.
mission Entrusted to Him by
Friend Wife.

what can / do you for-do for your
asked the sweet young salesgirl.
Timothy Trask grasped the counter
with one hand and the blood left his
face and came back again with a few
friends.
"Well, SIR" came a little tartly
from Anastasia Skiggs (for such was
the sa~lesgirl's name).
Timothy Trask grasped the counter
with his other hand and his face
turned the color of the stewed
snafiewort.
1t was then that Anastasia Skiggs
was struck by the horrible thought
that the man had deliberately chosen
her counter as a place to fall down in
a fit at.
ooh, sir, take the perfumery coun.
ter, three aisles down; there's a nice
soft carpet there" she pleaded.
Without a word Timothy TrasB
turned and fed. He fed into a tele-
phone booth, from which he called up
his wife.
Come down and buy your own cor
sets!" he commanded loudly.-Detroit
Free Press.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25
Relarade.

Belgrade, the capital of the kingdom
of Serbia, which has now fallen into
the hands OF the Germans, has grad
ually, for many years past, been losing
It's old, Turkish aspect, becoming more
modern, more European. The history
OF the city for nearly a thousand years
has been one Of continual contests.
The walls have disappeared since
1862; the last and finest of the five
gates was demolished in 1868, and the
citadel is not VI to the requirements
of modern warfare. The manufactures
of Belgrade consist of arms, cut
lery, saddlery, silk goods, carpets, etc.
The chief buildings in the city are the
royal and episcopal palaces, the gov
eminent houses, the cathedral. bar
racks, bazaars, national theater, and
various educa sional institutions. The
population is about 10000.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25
The Khaki Craze.

Everybody in England is in khaki
now," said the duchess of Manchester
to a reporter just before embarking
for England. This universally Of
the khaki uniform has its drawbacks.
II know a man who came home the
other evening and found his three chill
dren-a boy Of seven, a girl of five
and a baby-all busy on the floor with
his new box of mild cigars.
"FWhat are you doing with those
cigars?' he roared.
"'Oh, father said the boy, pointing
to the brown tobacco remnants on the
carpet, we were pretendin' that they
was khaki soldiers, and we took off
their puttees, and now we can't get
them on again."
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25
AS Ordered.

The menu of a certain restaurant is
a thing Of wonder to strangers. 1t
contains several pages of various
dishes, all classified, mostly with
weird French names.
The country visitor eyed it up and
eyed it down, but could make nothing
of it. And the waiter stood silently
by his side.
At last, in despair, the diner dabbed
his finger in the middle of one page,
and said:
Bring me some o. that"
"Oui, 'msieu!" replied the waiter.
THAT ees m~ayonnaise dressing, sar."
Il know that, my man." snorted the
countryman. II can read!"
"But, m'sieu," said the waiter apollo
getically, what will you have it on?"
The diner glared.
con a plate, of course, you idiot"
he roared. do you feed your guests
in troughs at this restaurant"
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25
Mot lmprsssed With Country.

A New York man recently made a
trip to Reno, and owing to a sudden
turn of circumstances fingered there
until he was hungry. At length hav-
ing detached a dollar from a protest
ing friend, he entered a Reno restau-
rant.
Sage hen," said the waiter, not as
one offering a query, but as a person
stating a fact.
What's sage hen?" asked the New
Yorker. The waiter said it was a
bird, native to the desert country.
Has it got wings?" asked the 9TH
er. The waiter said it had.
"Then," said the visitor decisively,
81 don't want no sage hen. l won't
eat nothing that has wings-and yet
stays in Nevada"
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25
NO PLAYMATE FOR EUGENE
Mothers Darling Heneeforth Would
Not Associate With Wicked Little
Richard Whitney.

Mrs. Atherton had tried to impress
upon her young son. Eugene. that he
should play only with good boys.
Mother" said Eugene. as he came
in one day. you don't want me to
play with wicked boys. do you?"
mo. indeed" said the mother.
pleased that her son had remembered
her teachings.
We'll, il N boy kicks another lit
tie boy. isn't it wicked for him to kick
back?"
yes. indeed, it is certainly very
wicked" was the mothers reply.
Then l don't play with Richard
Whitney any more" said Eugene;
hes too wicked. / kicked him this
morning, and he kicked me back
Chicago Journal.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25
He Didn't Bounce.


Mike and Pat were working together
washing windows. Mike was working
on the first floor and Pat was hanging
to a strap over the window sill on
the second floor. Pat finished his job
first and said to Mike:
I'm done, Mike, and I'm coming
down. Will you catch me If 1 jump"
"Sure, come on" said Mike.
Pat jumped and hit the ground with
a thump, all spraddled out. Mike
stood with his hand on his hips and
watched him. Pat rose, furious.
"Why didn't you catch me?" he ex-
claimed.
Sure, and why didn't you bounce?"
Mike said.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25
Woman's Curiosity.

The worst of women is that they
are always wanting to see what will
happen if they do certain things. They
make g man angry just to see what he
looks like when he is angry; and they
make men miserable just to see what
he looks like when he is miserable;
and they never realize how much gra-
tuitous suffering all this entails upon
the m%an.-From Concerning Isabel
Carnaby," by Mrs. Fowler.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25
Gathered-U Facts

The bald hills Of Pittsburgh will be
beautifed by covering them with a
brilliant foliage vine brought from
Asia which will thrive on poor soil
and defy smoke.
Chinese take the oath in court by
kneeling down and breaking a saucer.
The officer Of the court then says,
"You shall tell the truth and the whole
truth; the saucer 10 cracked. and II
you do not tell the truth. your soul
will be cracked like the saucer.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25
No Iron Cross for Officers.

Washington, too, had his iron
crosses. However, they were merely
badges, known as badges of military
merit. This decoration was estab-
lished by Washington in 1881. and was
conferred upon noncommissioned Off
GERS and soldiers for three years good
conduct, or for specially rneritorious
service. They entitled the wearer to
pass and repass all guards and mill
tary posts as fully and amply as any
commissioned officer whatever.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25
Why They Are Hard to Catch

Pulex irritans (Which, by the way.
is good" and means the flea that pes
tiers humans) can jump, according to
one Mitzmain, a horizontal distance of
thirteen inches and a vertical space
of eight inches. Now, on the other
hand, that puny brat, the Indian rat
flea, and we have the word of the
Indian plague commission for it, can
broad Jump only a pindling five inches
and kicks the bar off the uprights II
sent at a ligh mark Of more than
three inches and an eighth.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25
CLEAN SWEET SCALP
May Be Kept So by cuticura Soap
and Ointment. Trial Free.

To have good hair clear the scalp
Of dandruff and itching with shampoos
of Cuticura Soap and touches of Cuti-
cura Ointment to dandruff spots and
itching. Nothing better than these
pure, fragrant, supercreamy emol-
lients for skin and scalp troubles.
Sample each free by mail with Skin
Book. Address Cuticura, Dept. Ky,
Boston. Sold everywhere.-Adv.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25
Man Unfit 70 Trust.

Beware of him who fatters you, and
commends you to your face, or to one
who he thinks will tell you Of 1t;
most probably he has either deceived
and abused you, or means to do so.
Remember the fable Of the fox com
mending the singing Of the crow, who
had something in her mouth which
the fox wanted.-Hale.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25

when Sistah Grace Waddles come
th'oo at de revival" related Aunt
Miasma Waters, she riz up and
shouted dat de devil had her by de
feet tryin' to haul her down into de
pit, but, ~hallelooyer, a bright angel
done had her by de hair O. de head
uh-draggin' her to glory!"-Kansas
City Star.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25

The only monument In the world
erected to the memory Of horses which
have fallen in war was raised by pub
lie subscription at Fort Elizabeth.
Cape Colony. South Africa. in recog.
milton of the gallant animals which
persisted in the Boer war, ~1s99-19O2.
Japan plans to dredge a S5-foot
channel, TN miles long and 5000 feet
wide. through the historic straits OF
Shimonoseki, the work requiring ten
years.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25

Mrs. Jessie D. Hampton Of New
York has been chosen by the Congress
sional Union for Woman Suffrage to
transact the $4,000 business that will
be done December 13 when 5000
women from all parts of the United
States parade in Washington to i'm
press congress with the necessity Of
passing the Susan B. Anthony amend
ment granting their sisters the right
Of franchise. The pageant will cost
$4,000 to stage, and the suffragists
are sure that they will receive more
than that from the sale of seats, con-
cessions, etc.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25
ANTHRAX Father Of All Germs.

The anthrax germ is the father of
all germs since it was the first discov.
cred by the weak microscopes Of half
a century ago. That was because the
germ was so big. The microscopes
could not show the smaller germs. 1t
was the anthrax germ, therefore, that
led to the development Of the microbe
theory which caused such an advance
in medicine.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25
Whera the Fault Law.

Pardon me-" said the drummer,
'but somehow your courthouse locks
to be in the wrong placer" "Nope!"
replied the landlord Of the Petunia
tavern. What makes it look so is
that the town is in the wrong place
to make the courthouse look III the
right place."-Kansas City Star.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25

IMITATION is sINcEREsT FLATTERY
but like counterfeit money the imita-
ton has not the worth of the original.
Insist on la Creole" Hair Dressing
it's the original. Darkens your hair in
the natural way, but contains no dye.
Price $1.00.-Adv.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25
1W8WlMW

The first steps in the formation of a flying service for the land forces
of New York state were taken when the flying boat N. Y. N. /, which was
presented to the naval militia of the Empire state by Glenn H, Curtis, was
christened by little Olive Whitman, daughter of Governor and Mrs. Whitman.
The flying boat, a 100 horsepower Curtis of the latest type being built for
the United States navy is the first machine to be acquired by any state for
military or naval purposes. The gift was made through the national aero
plane fund, by which the Aero Club Of America hopes to supply the various
National Guards and the Naval Militia with suitable air craft The lower left
shows Ensign Lee Harris, commander of the vessel. The lower right shows
little Olive Whitman christening the boat. The upper photograph shows the
boat In the water. HiS
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25
Bic Hits.

81 heard a new patriotic song at a
burlesque show last night. It was a
knockout"
"And l heard a patriotic argument
outside the show. There was a
knockout in that, too"
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25
To Fortify the System
Against Winter Cold

Many users of GROVES TASTELESS chill
TONIC make 1t a practice to take a number of
bottles in the fall to strengthen and fortify the
system against the cod weather during the
winter. Everyone knows the tonic effect of
Quinine and Iron which this preparation con-
tains in a tasteless and acceptable form. It
purifies and enriches the blood and builds up
the whole sYstem. Soc.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25
aero. Cut That

Possibly the one period in every
m~iddle-aged mans life which loom
biggest in his memory IS wnen ne
could wear his hair pompadour.-To-
ledo Blade.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25
Reformed.

"Are you at all familiar with nau-
teal terms?"
"I used to know a few of them, but
l haven't used them since l Joined
the church"
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25
When He waa lavish.

81 presume you will remember your
wedding trip?" Eyes. indeed. And
I often wish that my husband had con-
tinued TO care as little for money as
he seemed to on that first journey
we took together"
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25
An Exclamation.

Smith-You and Short don't seem to
be on good terms. Does he owe you
money?
Brown-No; but he wanted to.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25

If one man tells a woman she is
beautiful all the rest of the world
can't convince her that she is homely.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25
Luck.

"Do you believe in luck?"
"Of course l do. Aren't the other
fellows getting it all the time?"
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25

In nearly every family the words
father" and goat" are synonymous
terms.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25

If ignorance is bliss, why so many
free schools?
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25

A man does meaner things than he
says and a woman says meaner things
than she docs.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25

my wife's been nursing a crouch
all the week."
Been laid up, have you?"
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25

A man who is completely wrapped
up in himself is a bundle of conceit.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25

The rabbit may be timid, but no
cook can make it quail.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25

Occasionally one may be an early
bird without picking many worms.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1915-11-25

A busy mar seldom has time to real
ize how happy he is.
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1915-12-12
Large, Inefficient Force Is Source
Of Both Expense and Danger.
Says Professor Johnston.

under shrapnel Is reckoned to reduce the ef
81 per cent. The American rihemsn, under
any such conditions of war as we are fore
seeing, would be subjected TO precisely this
sort OF artillery fire, where the Swiss would
frequently be able to avoid it. So that
parallel between the two in fighting value
is almost impossible to establish.
Sari considerations may extend even TO the
organization Of troops. In Switzerland we
find an abnormal system. The army corps,
which was at one time employed, has been
abandoned, and the SWISS army contents itself
merely with divisions, but with divisions re-
inforced up 20 three brigades The reasons
for this are perfectly good, but entirely local.
The Swiss army must Of necessity operate
along valleys, for the mos part cased In by
high mountains.
The division Is, essentially valley unit. its
three brigades providing: /, normal front;
2. flank attack, and, g. reserve. In all this,
however well it may FIT the circumstances Of
Switzerland, there is nothing positive for the
United States to copy. 1t is only in the splen-
did national morale of the Swiss, which i'm
parts considerable fighting value to their
army. that we can find real matter for thought.
And there we may discover things to leave US
far from happy as 10 the conditions of our own
republic at the present day.
PART PLAYED BY NUMBERS.
In countries OF low education, on the other
nand, Ike Russia or Turkey, numbers, just
like in Switzerland. for different reasons. must
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1915-12-12

play large part. The low standard Of train
ing attanabie with the Russian officer is in
part and with difficulty compensated by the
aiming Of enormous masses. As the Germans
are now finding out, the difference between
the first and second line Of Russian armies Is
not very great one; but that is not because
the second line is OF specially high quality,
but the other way about. In Turkey, where the
common soldier has maintained an unrvalled
reputation as a fighting man through two
centuries of defeat, it is only by the importa-
ton OF thousands OF highly trained foreign Of
icers that the army can be brought up 70 an
efficient standard.
Now what we have TO face is not, as with
Switzerland, any special form OF mountain
warfare, but straight war with the full or
ohestra Of artillery. Even If boys we're COM
PEELED to sleep with rife under their pillow
since babyhood they would be worth nothing
more than the soldty of their organization.
On the other hand our people are educated,
highly resourcefu and, therefore specially
capable OF Organization, Of high efficiency.
And there is nothing therefore to raise pre-
sumption in favor OF our employing large
masses dt low cHlClcnCy tdtHcT tuan small
numbers at high efficiency. On the contrary.
low efficiency, even when counterbalanced by
numbers. Is always dangerous, while as
question OF national finance the matter hardly
requires discussion.
Now, what does high efficiency mesn' Let
us inquire for instance, is our present regular
army highly effeient7 We know. OF course,
that it is very small 1t is made up, within the
United States, OF three il-consttuted divisions,
which, however, are merely on paper. In point
of fact, we have in the country about one to
one and half divisions OF infantry and
bloated establishment OF coast artillery from
which few units Of less good infantry might
&c constituted. But it IS not the matter of
numbers, il is that OF efficiency, that is under
discussion The regular army which we do
possess is deficient in several very important
particulars Even at tie first stage. the COM
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1915-12-12
THE popular belief that high mental de-

T'HE popular belief that high mental de-
velopment is peculiar 20 our geologic
epoch and TO no other must be dis
oarded Likewise the opinion that the Stone
Age man was not greatly superior 10 the brute.
As long as 10000 years ago men who were
nearly if no, quite our equals in natural mental
endowment were living in Southwestern Eu-
rope And in the Old Stone Age there existed
peoples whose artistic perception and ability
might awaken envy in countless artists OF to-
day
These facts, and many others concerning life
in the dim past, are interestingly presented in
a new book by Henry Fairfield Osborn, re-
search professor of zoology at Columbia Uni
versity and curator emeritus of vertebrate pale
ontoloey al the American Museum OF Natural
History. The book is Men Of the Old Stone
Age" and has just been published by Charles
Scribner's Sons.
1T is a unique pleasure" Professor Osborn
writes in his preface, TO express my indebted
ness to the Upper Paleolithc artists OF the now
extinct Cro-Magnon race, from whose work
have sought 70 portray so far as possible the
mammalian and human life of the Old Stone
Age"
The credit Is not amss, since among the IL
Illustrations In the book are scores by men who
have been dead something like fifteen, twenty
or twenty-five centuries, to make proper allow
ances regarding calculations.
Coupled with the proof that such ability ex-
listed so long ago is the significant theory that
descendants Of these people are living in
France to-day.
Another great impression from this region"
writes Professor Osborn, is that it is the
oldest centre of human habitaton of which we
have a complete, unbroken record Of continu-
Gus residence from period as remote as l0o,-
900 years, corresponding with the dawn OF
human culture, to the hamlets OF the modern
peasant OF France OF A. d. 1915 In contrast,
Egyptian, Hgean and Mesopotamian civiliza-
tons appear as Of yesterday
II Is In the art of the Cro-Magnons that the
most abundant proof of their ability is to be
found.
APPRECIATION OF BEAUTY.
These people were the PaleOhthic Greeks
writes Professor Osborn. Artistic observa
ton and representation and true sense Of
proportion and of beauty were instinct with
them from the beginning. Their art
shows a continuous evolution and develop,
ment from FIRST to last animated by a single
motive, namely the appreciation of the beauty
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1915-12-12
A DIFFICULT QUESTION.

Let US now take the other extreme; let us
eliminate regulars and even all forms OF semi
regulars, and ask ourselves: What number of
men of low degree OF efficiency to the yard
could make good? This is very dangerous
and difficult computation. The best way to
approach it is through the present improvised
English army We know that the Kitchener
divisions were not put into the western front
until the eleventh month of the war; and the
opinion of the German critics that they are
not very serviceable for offensive purposes
does not seem to be far removed from the
truth. As to the present frontage, depth and
distribution of these troops, it is difficult as
yet to establish the facts. but against German
offensive on anything like broad front, it
does not seem at all likely that less than ten
to twelve men TO the yard will have to be
available; indeed, l suspect this figure is de-
cidedly low. But let US take it at that, and
sven suppose for tho sake of the argument,
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1915-12-12
Required Minimum fl32.OOOCapa.
bic Soldiers Better Than 100000
Of Kitchen Division" Quality.

troops OF approximately the value of our pres
ent regular army we should have to allow
about FIVE men to the yard to hold he front
defensively, where three per yard would suf-
hce if the training OF the officer above the
rank Of captain were placed on thorough and
technical basis. This represents respectively
10000 and $4,000 men, which strikingly
demonstrates what an economy is education.
If we desired to take the offensive, which
in the case OF raid is not neces 5ary, though
sounder in terms of military theory. we should
have to multiply by three, at a minimum That
is to say, we should require from 100000 to
100000 men, according to the state of efficiency
of our regular army.