davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
SCORE UP ONE FOR JONES
Sarcastic Comment VIII Be Appre-
ciated by Those Who Favor Old
Time Methods of Travel.

Down in the crimson clover zone
there were two farmers named Jones
and Smith, respectively. Jones was
old-fashioned and stuck to old-fash'
toned ways, but Smith, who was more
modern, bought a fine new automo-
bile. One day he was proudly exhib-
iting to some friends when Jones
came along
"Um," remarked Jones, as he
thoughtfully sized up the handsome
machine. whats that thing there
on the side?"
That's a spare rim and tire" an
swered the proud Smith. 1--WE al
ways carry an extra one in case one
of the wheels goes wrong"
"Jes' as / allus said," was the dis
dainful response of Jones. I've druv
bosses fer nigh on 80 years, and 1
never had to carry a spare leg for one
o. them yet. "-Philadelphia Press.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
HoxslE,s CIRQUE REMEDY

The life saver Of children Prevents pneumonia No opium
Nc aausea 50 centA A. P. HOXSIE. Buffalo. N. X.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
VERY MUCH IN WRONG "BATH''
stood, Was Not Thing to Be
Wildly Advertised.

Smythe's mistake, which is de-
scribed in an English contemporary,
must have been disconcerting, to say
the least.
You'll find your bath in the out
'ouse."
Thus he had been directed the night
before at the little inn where he was
stopping, and that is why he was now
In his dressing gown, pushing open the
clubhouse door. 1t was dark, but
there was the tub, and it would do.
He hoped in. In the middle of his
additions the red-faced landlord thrust
his head in at the door. In the dim
light he failed to see the man in the
tub.
Water quite nicely warm. thanks"
observed Smythe, but it's a tritie
muddy"
Muddy he hanged" roared the
landlord, bursting in suddenly. your
tubs In the next place. Git out of It.
you blitherin' idiot! Not word Of
this in the 'ouse That's my ONE
brewed ale you're a-washin' int"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
Landlords Nav.

John Barrymore, the actor, was
talking about Germany's submarine
policy In New York.
when Germany told us we Ameri-
cans might cross the seas in safety
provided we used such ships as she
offered, l nearly died laughing" he
said.
Il was irresistibly reminded of the
poet who complained to his landlord:
Landlord, really must insist on
your repairing my doors and win
dows. They close so badly that it in
terrupts my work 1t blows my hair
all about my face
'Humph,' said the landlord. The
easiest way out of that difficulty is for
you to get your hair cut off, New
York Times.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
ONE LITTLE DETAIL MISSING
War Bill Morgan Wants to Know
Which War Is Meant.

In rural district of Kansas two "a.
borers working on the country high
way discussed various people and
settled affairs of nations as they WELD
ed pick and shovel. Finally one of
them referred to the secretary of
war, and the other asked:
Hiram, who is the secretary of
WARP"
Il don't remember his name" said
Hi, but here comes old Bill Nor
gan. Well ask him."
So, as old Morgan drove up one of
the laborers called out: Hey, Bill,
kin you tell us who the secretary of
war is?'
Well" said Bill, "I oughter know.
but can't seem to remember" And
he drove on, thinking deeply.
Soon the two men saw Bill coming
back, and when he came within hail
ing distance, he called out: Say, you
fellers, what war did you mean?"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
Domestic Criticism.

After arduous toll the poet had per-
fected sonnet.
All" he exclaimed. This will sure
ly make me famous!"
A few minutes later he read it to
his wife and waited for comment
It's pretty piece she said. Il
like to see the lines all about the
same lenrth. instead of raggedy. as
they are m some Of your longer po-
ems, dear"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
Thought Umbrellas UnmlIitary.

Umbrellas and khaki seem a most
unlikely combination; yet one In
stance is recorded of British soldiers
taking their umbrellas into action, &C
cording to the London Chronicle On
December 10, 1913, during the battle of
the Nive, the Grenadier guards cap
tured redoubt outside Bayonne.
While they were in possession of this
Wellington passed by and noticed that
the officers had umbrellas up to pro-
tect themselves from the heavy rain.
He sent back his aide-de-camp,
Lord Arthur Hill, to tell them that
the duke does not approve Of the use
of umbrellas in action. The guards
officers may, If they pleace. carry UNI
brellas even in uniform when on duty
at st. James; but in the field it is not
only ridiculous, but unmilitary."
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
HIS SILENCE A COMPLIMENT
Too Many Men Are Apt to Make the
Mistake That Is Recorded of
This Husband.

The coffee was weak, the bread I'M
derdone, and the fowl tough. or at
least he said so. His wife's long pa
thence gave way.
John Henry" said she, 1--WE tried
faithfully to cook to suit you for
twelve years long. No one in the town
has better-cooked food, yet you are
always finding fault. Why can't you
praise me once in while, I'd like to
know"
He looked up in establishment.
We'll, If you amt the most unrea-
sonable woman l ever saw" he ejacu-
lated. why, many and many is the
time I've sat down to a meal and new
er said a word about 1t. Anybody
would know there wasn't any fault
to be found. or I'd "a found 1t. and
yet you want better compliment than
that! That's Just like woman-they
can't tell compliment when they get
one!"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
TURN OVER TIME
When Nature Hints About the Food.

When there's no relish to food and
all that one eats doesn't seem to do
any good then is the time to make a
turnover in the diet, for that's Ma
lures way of dropping hint that the
food isn't the kind required.
For number of years l followed
railroad work, much of it being office
work of trying nature. Meal times
were our busiest; and eating too much
and too quickly of food such as is
commonly served in hotels and res
taurants, together with the sedentary
habits, were not long in giving me dys-
pepsia and stomach trouble which re-
duced my weight from EOS to 100
pounds.
There was little relish In any food
and none of it seemed to do me any
good. 1t seemed the more I ate the
poorer / got and was always hungry
before another meal, no matter how
much / had eaten.
Then / commenced trial of Grape
Nuts food, and was surprised how a
small saucer of it would carry me
along, strong, and with satisfied Ape
title, until the next meal, with no SEN
sations of hunger, weakness or dis
tress as before.
Il have been following this diet now
for several months and my improve
ment has been SO great all the others
in my family have taken up the use
of Crane Nuts with complete satisfac-
ton and much improvement in health.
Most people eat hurriedly, have
lots OF worry, thus hindering digestion
and therefore need a food that is pre-
digested and concentrated in nourish.
ment."
There's Q Reason"
Name given by Postum Co.. Battle
Creek, Mich.
Ever read the above letter. A new
one appears from time to time. They
are genuine, true, and full Of human
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
NOT Guilty.

There had been a railway collision
near country town in Virginia, and
shrewd lawyer had hurried from
Richmond to the scene of the disaster.
He noticed an old colored man with a
badly injured head, and hurried up to
him where he lay moaning on the
ground.
How about damages" began the
lawyer.
But the sufferer waved him off.
"G'way, boss. g'way," he said. II
never hit de train. never done SIGH
thing in all nah life, so help me
Gawd! Yo' can't git no damages outen
me-"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
AneIen.s Used ca. Warfare.

The earliest use of deleterious gases
in siege warfare is recorded in the
history of the Peloponnesian wars
from 4S1 to 404 B. c. During this
struggle between the Athenians and
Spartans and their respective allies
the cities of Platea and Delium were
besieged.
Wood saturated with pitch and sui
phur was set on fire and burned under
the walls Of these cities in order to
generate choking and poisonous fumes
which would stupefy the defenders
and render the task of the attacking
forces less difficult.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
AN EDITOR coNFEssEs.

Mr.. s. T. Hoag, Editor Pine Plains
IN. " Herald, confesses: "In all
the many years have advertised DR..
David Kennedy's Favorite Remedy. ]
have never before paid DR.. Kennedy
a long standing debt of gratitude.
For years 1 suffered terribly from
rheumatism. I finally tried Favorite
Remedy with permanent benefit. 1t
is the best medicine for effectually
expelling the cause Of rheumatism
uric acid. 1t helped my kidneys; toned
up my liver; made me feel like living.
Write Kennedy Co., Rondout. N. Y,
for a free trial.-Adv.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
Cautious Publicity.

isn't that rather frivolous reading
you are engaged in?"
NO." replied Senator Sorghum.
These Jokes are pretty serious SO
far as am concerned. The humor-
GUS anecdotes that go around with a
public mans name worked into
em may have a great deal of in
tiuence in giving the public an
idea of his personality. Hereafter |
am going to hand out my own anec-
dotes."
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
Putting on Airs.

Il presume your boy is getting
ready to return to college, Mr.. Top
SOIL"
Yes. Me an his ma expect to
breathe easier when he goes"
I'm surprised to hear you say that.
Won't you miss your SOM"
"Oh, yes. Well miss him, of course,
but it's been quite strain on us to
keep from gittin' ratified when he d
set down at tn table an say, We'll,
mother. What's the menu for to
day?"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
cood.By 10 the SERGEANT.

Private Doherty was six feet four
in his socks; the sergeant was a
foot shorter The sergeant looked
along the line.
Head up there, Doherty.' he cried.
Doherty raised his head.
Up higher said the little SER
geant. There, that's better. Don't
let me see your head down again. -
Am to be always like thisT'
asked Doherty, staring away above the
little sergeant's head.
You are."
Then I'll say good-by to we, ser.
geant, for I'll never see yez again. -
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
HANDY,

1--WE started a ten-cent box for
Christmas, dear!" said the better half.
You won't forget 1t, will your"
me forget it," replied the other
fraction. why. how can you say such
thing? OF course / won't forget
it."
And he didn't. The very next day
he shook four dimes out of the box to
meet a deficiency in his car-fare al
lowance.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
corroborated.

Teh me moo, Jamie. what was the
most wonderful thing you saw at
scar"
i think the strangest thing l ever
saw was the flying fish,"
Moo, laddie, dinna max a fule O
yer mither. VIVA ever heard O. fish
heein,?'
Another strange thing l saw when
crossing the Red sea. We dropped an
Choir, and when we raised It again
there was one of the wheels of Pha,
raoh's chariot entangled on it"
Aye. laddie, believe that. We've
Scripture for that."-London Tit-Bits
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
NOTHING Doinq.

Can sell you a copy of the latest
edition of the unabridged dictionary?
1t is a work that should be in every
home"
Does it contain any words that
are not In the older editions?"
Thousands of them"
"Then don't want 1t in my home.
My wife has quite enough words at
her command as 1t is"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
A Has Been.

Look at that poor old drink-sodden
wretch
Evidently he's down and OUT
"Yet there was a time when he
amounted to something in the world"
You don't say sol"
why, I've seen him pitch the first
ball in the opening game of a ma.
jor league baseball season."
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
,r waved him off.
Lona Known.

Father" said the minister's son,
my teacher says that collect and
'congregate' mean the same thing. Do
they?"
Perhaps they do, my son." said the
venerable clergyman; but you may
tell your teacher that there is vast
difference between a congregation and
q collection. christian Register.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
Practical Poetry.

What is your favorite poem?" asked
the literary young woman.
1.-The Boy Stood on the Burning
Deck" answered the commonplace
young man, Il used to recite it every
time father and mother had com
pany."
And did you recite it with effect?"
Father thought the effect was
pretty good. He said he honestly be.
lieved it kept us from having so much
company"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
Il took a flyer in Wall street"
unohanAA

Money makes big difference in
people" remarked the near philoso-
pher.
Il don't agree with you," answered
his friend.
MOI"
I've known money to alter the
outward appearance OF people consid-
erably and make radical changes in
their mode of living, but their gram
mar remains much the same"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25

"Fatherly pride is a great thing.
There's Dubson's boy. Just because
the youngster is making good marks
at school Dubson is as proud as If he
were doing /, himself"
'Ah, yes. Poor Dubson! He was
always at the foot of the class when
he was in school, yet if you tell him
the boy takes after his mother he is
grievously offended"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
BUGS.

isn't this awful" exclaimed Mrs,
Gabb as she looked up from her news
paper.
Isn't what awful?" demanded Mr..
Gabb.
why here's a woman who COM
plains that the insane asylum is filled
with bugs" replied Mrs. Gabb
Well" growled Mr.. Gabb, what
the blame place for, anyway"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
ANXIOUS no HELP orHERs

Having been sufferer from lung
trouble some time and now well,
will gladly give anyone with bronchial
asthma, throat or lung trouble full
information free Of charge, as to the
Treatment I took at home. Address
Miss M. B. Roberts, rs Foster St.,
Worcester, Mass.-Adv.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
Outclassed.

Were you much impressed by the
majestic roar of Niagara"
II was at first, but later on, when
my husband put up roar about our
hotel bill, Niagara sounded like a
ripping brook"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
Quite Rnht.

What do you understand by the
phrase a liberal education?" asked
the professor when the freshman class
in economics had assembled.
When the governor comes through
with plenty of spending money" re-
piled the first youth called upon.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
In the Swim,

Your daughter is studying art, l
hear. Is she making any progress?
''Oh. yes. She has been invited to
the annual frolic of the illustrators
and has bid to the Art Students
league costume party"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
Escaped With His LOAD"

Halo, Bibber, so you got home
last night without being torpedoed ?"
'Whadyamean torpedoed?'"
why, you were taking zig gag
course when saw you"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
lmpnssibIo.

Nov, as to the Balkan situation
You'll have to excuse me. I'm in
a hurry"
why, was going to sum up the
situation in two words"
ct can't be DONE"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
Rapid Thinker,

Mother-Always think twice before
you speak.
Tommy--Gee, ma. If you do that
yourself you must do some swift think.
ing when you git goin' for pa"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
PASSING the Buck.

Our head bookkeeper can add up
four columns of figures at once"
Doesn't he ever make Mistakes"
"Oh, sure, but he's got an assistant
to blame them on"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25

my but Percy has grown to be a
big boy. How tall are you, Percy?"
Just an inch short of being able to
wear fathers tennis trousers. but
they'll be all right next summer
New York World.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
Zero.

I'VE don't hear much about Doctor
Cook since the time he claimed to
have discovered the North pole"
mo; l daresay he never fully re-
covered from the terrible frost he en-
countered."
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
An EXPLANATION.

why do they call EN- lawyers
briefs pa? Are they so short?"
mo, my son; but by the time they
get through with them the lawyers
clients are"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
were once leaders

He-The Greeks were once leaders
of thought.
She-Yes. they seem to run to ex-
tremes. Instead of polishing peoples
minds great many Greeks are now
engaging in polishing peoples shoes.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25

II see by the papers old Tompkins
has failed for half a million"
why, l had no idea he had half SO
much
HE didn't"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
Behind the Scenes.

THE audience is pretty chilly" re-
marked the leading lady.
That's right" rejoined the low
comedian, but guess the snowstorm
in the next act will warm them up.
all right"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
Not Crav a.irr but Tired Eyes

mako us look oidei than we are Keep your
Eyes young and you will look young After
the Movies always Murine Your Eyes
Don't tell your age.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25

"Ferdy had one great disappoint.
ment whiie in Greece.
What was that?"
He couldn't find anybody that be
longed to a Greek letter society"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
And Lots of Them.

II see where the Russian cavalry
rode down the Germans in the
trenches where they were digging In
themselves for the winter"
See, that was horse on them!"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
ParadoxlcaI Humor

What is the matter with the rel
low who is quarreling with the hotel
clerk?"
Evidently he is sour about his
suite"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
A Saving Quality.

HE is too much of an egotist to
make a faux pas"
What's his being an egot:st got to
do with it,"
He couldn't so far forget himself"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
Wise Beyond His Years.

Teacher (of geography CLASSY -
Johnnie, how is the earth divided?
Johnnie-Nobody will know until
the European war is over.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
Appropriate Fate.

What's become of the clerk you
used to have here, named Cannon"
Il fred him. But where is your old
porter, Ball?"
Il bounced him."
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
A Rrnad Hint.

Please, mum, ye remember sendin'
some brandy to Teller we saved from
drownin' last Toosday?'
Yes, what of it?"
He fell In again today. Life.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
Hanging Out There.

Pop, will you tell me something"
Sure, my SON"
rs the best place to see the wash of
the sea when you cross the liner?
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25

Georges speech last night was his
maiden effort"
THAT SO? l thought it sounded very
much like a miss"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
Sorry He Spoke.

He during family quarreD--I sup
pose some idiot proposed to you before
/ did.
She-No, when you did.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
The Object.

4 am going into the laundry bust
ness"
''Why?"
Because l want to clean up pile"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
opportunitY De Luxe,

Then he doesn't expect Opportu.
nifty to knock at his door?"
No; to interest him. Opportunity
will have to honk outside with an au.
tomobile horn"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
The Case.

'Matrimony seemed largely Incl
dental to Henry Wits career"
Il should call it more accidental"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25

4 mothers idea OF the only safe
place for boy to go swimming is in
q Dathtup.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25

The only distinction some men at
tain is that of living to be more than
eighty years old.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25

A term in Office will in most cases
Kill the reform bug in man.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25
Evasion.

PA. what's an eye opener"
"Why-er-an alarm clock. my son.
Boston Evening Transcript.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25

Many man has been hopelessly
injured by the accidental discharge of
duty.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25

The more man is envied the less
real happiness he has.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25

The amateur actor always believes
that the world is full of possibilities.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-11-25

N A TEnETN watson e. Coleman, svasl,
~ IA p IN Fl u ngton, DC. Books free. High
! - ! hlku " est references. Best results
Daily capital journal. (Salem, Oregon) 1903-1919, 1915-01-09
Go to Dr. stones for trusscs,

A license was issued at the county
clerks office this afternoon for the
Of Fred Cornell, of Wood.
burn, and Miss Matilda Marie Eckcr
len, Of this city The bridcgroom.clect
is young business man Of Woudburn,
Miss Eokcrlcn being the daughter Of
Mr. and Mrs, Eugene EekClcn.
Daily capital journal. (Salem, Oregon) 1903-1919, 1915-01-09

The suit for personal damages
against Officer Jack White, brought by
r. a. Brown, which was to be tried
today in the circuit court department
No. ] has been postponed until Janu-
ary Is. The forenoon today was spent
in hearing motions and demurrers and
in setting cases for next week. The
testimony in the case of Yackley
against Lieske was finished at q
O'Clock last night and the argument
before the jury was not begun until
this afternoon. The case will go to
the jury late this afternoon.
Daily capital journal. (Salem, Oregon) 1903-1919, 1915-01-09
PROPOSALS INVITED.

The undersigned win receive bids mp
to s o'clock p, M Monday January Is,
1913, for the purchase ot 10000 lbs.
rolled oats, f. o. b. Salem, Oregon The
right TO reject any or all bids i'm the
interest of the city are hereby reserved.
CHAS, r. ELGlN,
city Recorder
Daily capital journal. (Salem, Oregon) 1903-1919, 1915-01-09

A special grand Jury will be drawn
in Judge Kclly's court this aftenocs
if the jury in the Yacldey versus Lcisky
ease returns early verdict. The grand
jury will be drawn from the petit jury
men now in attendance in court This
grand jury will investigate the charges
Of arson brought against NJ. Silver and
h. Erwin, the murder charge against
Bassius Grasscr, and q charge Of as
sault with a deadly weapon brought
against Philip lIecker Of West Wood
burn who is charged with shooting
Charles johnson whose attentions TO
lccker's daughter are alleged to have
reused the ire Of the father