davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1915-05-02
BOWSER, HE KICKS
Shirts Hunch Up, and Socks Go Astray

on. i know it. iii dare you to re-
move your collar" she exclaimed.
system." he slowly replied as he rose
from the table. ITO prove that l am
right l will take off my collar and
unbutton the band of my shirt Now.
then. are you satisfied that it is owing
/ to your want of attention.
! You've got it on she interrupted
as she pulled at the band of his night
| shirt
1T can't be"
But here it is. You forgot to take
Mr.. Bowser turned pale and walk
came down and said:
Mrs Bowser: don't ever play an
other such trick on me"
why. what had I to do with IT."
Never you mind about that. but
don't attempt anything more Of the
kind. l have already stood far more
than most husbands would
Regularly every morning at GER
! tain hour Mr. Bowser goes upstairs
to dress himself. Five minutes after
h he has disappeared his voice Is heard
Mrs. Bowser. do you pretend to
run this house. or are you lady
boarder with cart-load of novels for
baggage"
whats the matter. dear
Don't dear me. I'd either have a
system or acknowledge that | was a
failure"
But what is IT,"
Look here
He holds a clean shirt in his left
hand and with his right he points to
IL in dramatic way and whispers:
observation-disclosures,
What about buttons" she asks
Not r button on this shirt-not a one,
Six button holes, but not a button, All
been washed off and not one replaced"
Mr.. BOwSer, YOU haven't had a shirt
button on your shirts since we were
married. You use the removable metal
buttons: there they are just as you
took them out of your other shirt
He is caught. He realizes 1t, but
after gasping once or twice he braces
up and replies:
Very well. Mrs. Bowser. Next time
l go home I'll take my shirts along
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1915-05-02
Der German CObbler
A Tramp Drops in with Some ADVICE

One day when I vhas smoking my
pipe und wondering if dey had pianos
in der parlors of poorhouses. A tramI
comes in und takes some chairs, shuSt
as if he vhas my mudder-in-la law. und
looks at me in mournful vhay for
five minutes
He shakes his head und makes some
signs.
DO you hat some palms,"
He shakes some more und Eroans.
Don't you dare fall dead in my
Cohhler shop,
1T is mental distress, Hans" he
.'vhas dot when you feel bad in your
mind
Dot vhas It"
lief | .effer feel bad in my mind" l
says.
1T vhas not for myself Hans-it
vhas for you. In my. mind l vhas ash
happy some rats in Il cheese house.
hut YOU Vhas full of troubles"
"DPre vhas no cobbling any more"
NO. und dots der point. But why.
HanS-whyr
Because all der doctors are telling
der peoples to go barefoot if dey
vhani to live to he hoonered years
old"
"Ah. Hans don't you belief it. If
peesness vhas bad init your shop you
alone vhas to blame. go into n
daEo shop down here und he has
come here und you don't hat one pair
How vhas dot?"
~ dunno" / says
1T Was because he puts a sign in
his window dot he has been made
Count-der Count Stiletto-und der
pooblic is invited to hat it's shoes
cobbled by. nobleman. Can you see
der point
But it vhas a lie" says
'Vhell. what do dey do in peesness?
If one man lies don't der odders set in
und try to outlie him."
But what shall l do?"
All. Dot vhas better. Now We shall
see"
We talk for an hour. und he makes
Terrible notice! Dis vhas to let der
public know dot Hans vhas made der
Duke Of Saxonburg. init fortune
see all his old friends und gif sooch
bargains ash vhas never heard of be-
fore in America. Europe. Asia nor At
hat"
1 don't know about dot sign. und
my wife don't know. but der tramp
hnns it in ut der windo% It Whas shust
daylight when milkman sees der
sign und comes close to read it una
Hey ey. you Duke. youw
"Vhell?" I says ash ! puts my head
out of der window.
Can you lend me dollar. old
Nor. sir"
"A half?"
NO. sir"
Make 1t quarter"
Il shall not
"vheIl. I Will took 10 cents"
Not from me you WON'T"
so you vhas become a Duke, und
stingier dan some bark on a tree! All
right for you, old banana, I come in
about 10 o'clock und punch your Dutch
head"
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1915-05-02
What means this?
Arc these men CraZyS


Are these men crazy?
In the days of. the Overland Trail
before the widest financier dared to
predict- a highway of iron rails
stretching across that great tract OF
country-almost a continent of itself
which We used to call the Far West
a caravan ahd been picking its slow
way along over the green prairies
and sterile plains for days and
weeks. every mans face turned toward
the FL Dorado-more than a mile of
white TONED wagons, more than 400
men, women and children. There have
been jealousies and heartburnings,
even in the presence Of the hostile
Indians, moving swiftly about by day
and crawling and lurking like deadly
serpents by night. Two wagons haul
out of the line at midafternoon. and
start away at right-angle. Two
waeons--two wives. eight children,
three men. 1t is foolhardy. danger
Gus. They drive away in the shadow
If death, the children crying and the
women pleading.
"Come back! Come back! There are
Indians all about us. Every one Of
YOU Will De DutCHcTcu ucioho hOTH =
inE."
The three men will not even look
back. They feel that they have been
wronRed and insulted, and their pride
is at stake. Men will listen to no
argument at such times-stubbornly
refuse to reason with those they love-
These men realize their danger. and
tomorrow when they have grown
calmer, and when something like an
apology is borne to them from the
main party. they will return to the
line, satisfied with having shown
their independence"
Did you ever see the vulture of the
plains-the repulsive, cowardly bird,
which follows a wounded man or a
limping animal as the ravenous shark
follows a death-ship. He sails high
in the air so long as all Is well below
At the first sign of distress he drops
through the air to be closer to his
prey. Let a dying man but raise HIS
hand and the cowardly bird will hasten
away. but only to return and resume
his circles in the air until he sees
that death has come. His long. rag
ged wings have famed the faces Of
hundreds of dying men. his strong
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1915-05-02

tongues. There is a something which
weighs all down. the dumb brute as
well as human beings. 1t is unde-
ror which chills their silence.
BY and by. all but the sentinel
close their eyes in sleep. A single
sentinel to watch camp in which
aced by such fierce enemies. over
which great vultures had circled all
that day, No. all did not sleep. There
were two wives who lay awake listen
the rustling of the night breeze, to
the dismal voices of the coyotes cir
cling about the camp. There was a
threat to them in every sound "a
And there were children who did not
sleep. though they were as quiet as
the dead They had heard OF the
lack of mercy in the heart of an In
dian warrior. They shut their eyes and
tried to close their ears, and they re-
peated the prayers taught them at the
Where is the sentinel? There were
two wagons. He stood or sat between
them as much for the company OF the
midnight the guard is changed. The
full moon is now sinking in the west.
In front OF the watcher is a large
cactus-the ugly. useless plant which
thrives best where the hand of man
can neither cultivate nor ornament.
1t stands ever as a sign board Of des-
olation. 1t is a milestone to mark
the sufferings and despair of men who
have been lost on the sterile and in
hospitable plains of the West.
All has been quiet up to midnight.
The relief takes up the same position
as his predecessor did. He notes the
same surroundings. The only change
is in the position Of the moon. which
has been sinking away until the big
cactus now throws a dark shadow to
the East. That shadow Is the black
est spot in all the foregrounds. but IL
excites no special attention. Why
should it? What should there be
about a shadow cast by the June moon
to create alarm ?
1t is o'clock
Though standing. on his feet. the
sentinel has nodded-almost asleep.
He rouses himself with a shake, turns
to every point of the compass to peer
and listen. but all is quiet.
The shadow! Il has grown many
feet longer in the hour. 1t Is like
a great black tongue thrust out to-
ward him from the base of the plant.
but his eyes do not dwell upon II. The
wagons also cast shadows to the East:
SO do the horses yet standing on their
feet Shadows are but shadows. The
perfect silence Of the night lulls the
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1915-05-02

In half an hour some one kicks on
der door und cries out, und when
puts my head out again l sees it vhas
"Vhell. is something's wanted" ]
asks.
Duke of saxonburg. come down
| here" she cries
| What is oop?"
Der tuyfel is oop. Mrs. O'Mera has
just sent word that she Is coming over
| to breakfast with me, and l haven't
| n thing in the house except cold wa
| ter"
Warm it up for her" I says
| Duke. you must lend me a dollar
| from dot million"
| II shall not do it, You should hat
got ahead of Mrs. O'Mera und sent her
word first"
ind she kicks on der door. und calls
| me names und raises sooch a row dot
| a cop coOmS und drives her home
| At o'clock, when opens der shop,
| three men Vhas waiting to come in.
| Dey hold out DER hands und say not
| tings.
| "Vhell?"
You vhas a duke"
| "Vhell?"
You hat million dollars"
"Ehell?"
Come down"
You vhas some dead beats. und you
go right OUT
But before dey vhas out my shop
vhas a lmost in some ruins und l get
bad knock on der head. Den comes
man VINO says:
"Cobbler. dot sign read you vhas a
duke"
Yes"
IND dot you hat million dollars"
You vhas der Duke of Saxonburg
und l like to introduce myself as der
Earl of Dunraven."
Il ,vhas glad to see you" I says as
Thanks. Duke. some one picked my
pocket IN church yesterday"
DO, you think it vhas der minister"
Il hardly know What to think. i
and den haf 1t turn out dot der leader
of der choir vhas der guilty party"
Gracious. no."
two minutes"
ro Hardy ID as soon as dat I vhas
till it comes. Take a chair"
But Duke. you sec"
"Nopody shall disturb you. II some
der smallpox.
IF l had a little money to go
on says der earl.
You like to take street car down
at work maybe? vhell. shall lend
you a nickIe, If you leave your hat
as security"
Dot earl he shumps oop init a very
red face, und he shakes his fist at
me. und he called me names, und II
two women don't come in we hat a
fight. When he goes out he goes by
saloon. but he vhas bounced out
purity Queek.
Dose women say to me:
Hans. we vhas so glad you vhas a
duke now"
Thanks"
''Und dot you hat a million dollars"
"Yes?"
You can nix oop our shoes now
und charge It"
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1915-05-02

fitted me within forty rods. and never
expect to have. and it's the same with
| collars.
There is surely something wrong
| this morning" she said as she made
close inspection. Let me get you
another collar.
| pose it's my fate to go through life
| with shirt all hunched up between
my shoulders and collar saving my
ears off. ! suppose there are some
husbands comforts. but
q, Mr. RowSer; you ordered those
Certainly.
You were satisfied with them"
Yes"
They set perfectly lovely"
Then what have l to do with it,
Mrs. Bowser," he calmly observed.
as he arose and assumed his favorite
pose. there are such things as but
and yokes and seams. A shirt may go
into the bureau folded in an intelli-
gent manner. or 1t may be RULED and
crushed and spoiled. A wifely wife
looks out for these things \ wife
who doesn't care cents for her hus-
bands comfort doesn't concern herself
about such trif'es. Good-morning.
He hadn't been gone half an hour
his nightshirt. 1t couldn't be found.
[ ildu disappeared OH the lace OF the
earth. leaving not even a button be-
hind. When he came home to lunch
she said:
MIR. Bowser, I can't find your night
shirt"
Il presume not" he calmly replied.
Some houses have a head and a sys-
TEN. and the mightshirt don't get
mixed with the potatoes down cellar"
But | don't believe you took it off
this morning. You put your day shirt
on over it, and that's the reason you
had such trouble"
that l am an idiot, just speak right
out in plain language" roared Mr..
Bowser across the table.
But you might just do such a
thing
$50 might the Hudson River run
into the Pacific Ocean. It's far more
likely that you carried that shirt TO
the garnet or down cellar | shouldn't
be surprised to find the girl using il
for dustrag in the kitchen.
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1915-05-02

to use II.
local subscribers to take up the
weather reports and make a feature
of them again. We are always willing
and a we aTe READY to rf msRe any sacFi
flee to better The Kicker" but we
shall have to say no to this matter.
and never hit the weather right but
once. and that was by accident. We
find that a good murder item gives
much more satisfaction. and we de-
no man with pair of rubber boots,
gun and a bottle of whisky need
worry over the weather. It's bound
to hst him somewhere.
While we were on our way home
from card party the other night
a as %d As5rs sSme cRs se s
assassin was hidden behind a bill
board, and he fired six shots at US
from distance of fifteen feet. Not
for this reason we believe that the
skulker was our esteemed contempo-
rary., He never has and never will
be able to shoot for shucks- Every
good lead. He needn't sit up nights
to get pop at us. Well stand be-
fore him at thirty feet any day at
he wants to.
Mr.. Jonas Dyer. Of Indiana, arrived
In town last Monday In search of news
of his son Joseph. who hadn't been
heard of for the last year. In a couple
Of hours. by the aid of our files and
the coroner's books, he had Joseph
located. We felt a bit delicate over
the case, as Joseph was hung for
horse stealing. but the father very
justly observed that We were not to
out to view the grave. gave him %
sephs last words. as near as we could
recall them. and he left for HON,
Tuesday in fairly good spirits. Hi"
horse in fit of absent mfndedness
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1915-05-02

steak once a week the year through.
although we know that meat has gone
up - per cent since the war"
Casey. you prize package. but you
are right" said the lady.
But We'll look at the moon later on
said Casey as he patted her on the
shoulder and rose up. I'm thinking
this scribe wants to give me clew or
TWO to a bomb explosion"
But you'll be very. very CAREFUL?
For your sake, my dear"
After we had walked along together .
block without n word 1 said:
Casey. l can't believe you have any
romance about you"
Correct. sir"
Then you are deceiving that land
lady"
Il am. sir. along with a dozen others. I"
But can you Justify YOURSELF"
II can. It's my duty
How your duty"
"Only the very highest crooks 90 to a
hotel to stop. The rest seek boarding
houses. If you stand in with the land
lady she's on the watch for You. If she
sees anything suspicious she puts you
on"
IT see
Lord love you. sir. there's hardly a
day passes that I don't haul some crimi-
nal out of boarding house. But for the
landlady I wouldn't know they were
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1915-05-02
Spell II With . Big "B."

1t wasn't a hundred miles from this
city that a business man in 4 small
town entered the postoffice the other
day. which has lately changed hands.
and asked for his mail.
Name. please" replied the newly
appointed.
'Black. of course"
what Black
whats the matter with you" eX-
claimed the other. Haven't you known
me as George Black for the last ten
years.
BLACK: Black How do you spell II?
Please write IL down, will you. for this
run on a system after this and no
mistakes allowed. All. B-l-a-ck.
Black All the mail for MIR. Black
livered after this"
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1915-05-02

I'D like to get my hands on the
chap who made this shirt. about two
minutes" exclaimed Mr.. Bowser the
other morning as he showed away from
the breakfast table.
Anything wrong queried Mrs.
Bowser
Anything wrong? Would I COM
plain if there wasn't something wrong?
Does any husband ever complain until
the last straw breaks the camefS
back? It's all lunches and punches
and bundles"
But it was only yesterday that you
were saying what an elegant fit this
last lot were"
Never said anything of the sort,
Fact is / never had shirt which
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1915-05-02

Can II"
"Und you can Eif to charity"
I'm"
"Und you can lend us money"
Can Il"
Gould you let us hat fife dollars
apiece today?
Not fife cents"
Den you vhas some old hog. and we
tell peple to keep AWAY from your
shop, You vhas der Duke of Saxon
burg about as much as a cat vhas a
cow,
"All dot day long men and women
came in. and all but one likes to Dor
row money. Dot one vhas der cop on
der beat. When he reads my sign he
comes in und says
world?'
Maybe I haf"
"Vhell, / vhas glad of IL. like to
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1915-05-02

be lifted oop little in dis world my
self
But can you be some lord OF
dukes?" asked.
Nav, I don't vhant to-"
You start a moving picture show
und put me in der ticket ONCE und !
vhas der biggest mans in town."
Dot tramp comes back after two
days. und when 1 tell him how she
vhas he says:
Cobbier. it vhas all der fault OF
der moon.
How you mean"
why. she should be full when we
try an experiment like dot, und II
you look at der almanac you Will see
dot she Wasn't half-fullr'
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1915-05-02
THE SHADOW

beak and sharp talons have helped to
make hundreds of skeletons along the
trail of olden days.
Evil omen, The two wagons had
scarcely separated themselves from
the line when the vultures appeared
and lowered above them as they
moved away. From their eyries they
had looked down on savages rejoicing
at the separation-at a spot of ground
miles away over which a gaunt wolf
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1915-05-02

OF NE SNAOO" - ORtS\
FtGORE RoSE ORS
was already bowling and snuffing
earth and air for scent of murder.
Study the pictures well. 1t is night.
The little band has gone into a dry
camp"-no water to be had for man
in the darkness. 1t has been a long,
hot day, and man and beast are suf-
fering, but no one complains. Even
the children choke over their bread
and do not ask for a drink. The tired
horses have neither grass nor water.
but they are not restless and impa-
tient. as might be looked for. On
the contrary, they hang their heads.
and now and then lick the rocks out.
cropping from the sterile soil, and
or beast. Three miles further on there
il plenty, but they could not travel
thus secure q little Of the falling dew.
just enough to moisten their parched
The evening herald. [volume] (Albuquerque, New Mexico) 1914-1922, 1915-12-21
MOUNTAIN STATES
A EXTENSIONS IN
SECTIONS

Springer y. NJ, Dec. st.-An-
nounccment of extensions planned by
the Mountain states Telephone COM
pany T. made In the following article
IN n local paper.
The Mountain States Telephone and
telegraph company Is negotisting for
the purchase OF the French telephone
~ stem. which - at present owned and
operated by a ctmtany composed Of
farmers OF the French truet Tue
Mountain states company has offered
60 take uvcr the system at a price
made by the owners ana 10 recon
struct the entire plant using a metal
lie circuit through out The exchange
VIII be located IN s%pfinger and tho
connecting wires strung on the cunn-
pany's poles which pass neat the
French lines.
n is reported that The Mountain
states company Is planning To- pur-
chase the Miami. Sweetwator aud
Ocatc lines and To construct new lines
To accommodate patrons easl II this
city as far as Chico. An of tne new
lines viii be operated from the cX-
change IN this ciiy. The ton line tu
Las Vegas has been completed to
C0lmor and connection viii DC made
between the local exchange and the
completed line within "a short lime,
The evening herald. [volume] (Albuquerque, New Mexico) 1914-1922, 1915-12-21
STEPS X TO STOP
GERMAN TRADING IN
SOUTH SEA ISLANDS


Wellington. New Zealand. Nov. 20.
LIN consequence 81 complaints by
the Auckland Chamber OF Commerce
that the Deutsche Handles und Plan
tagen 0esellsC hnft. a German Pacinc
island trading firm with headquarters
in Hamburg and q large business In
copra. was doing business In Samoa
and h Tonga group. the h~eadlnzr-
ters and o ur plantations OF the CONF
p..ny u samua were lately raiisd by
the NV Zea;a.d government auiio .
ties. apers were seized and several
Germans we're arrested. Subsequent
Is krrl Hansen, the general man
aeer. wac convicted before O military
court OF evading the censorship By
mailing letters 70 Germany from san
Francisco through the connivance Of
sailing vessels plying between Caiifor-
mia and Samoa. Adolph Eberhardt.
Of one OF the company's
largest groves. was found
guilty OF having withheld fresh the
New Zealand military authorities doc
uments which had belonged 10 the
German samoan government Hans
sen was sentenced TO six months i'm
prisonment aud internment until the
end Of the WAT; and Eberhardt was
sentenced 20 a fine of ti50 and in
ternmcn1.
The business has been placed Ia tho
hands OF a receiver appointed ~ the
New Zealand government. Bv this
action all German business activity
In the south Pacific-unless IL be I'M
der British scrutiny-ceases until.
peace has been concluded.
The evening herald. [volume] (Albuquerque, New Mexico) 1914-1922, 1915-12-21
Today's Live New Mexico News
RECORD ALLOTMENT OF
SCHOOL FUNDS MADE

Santa Re. y. a.. Dee. ai-Aiyan n.
White. state superintendent OF pub
lie instruction. has made a record APP
-portlonmcnt OF school funds 10 the
various counties distributing more
than twice az much as ever has been
apportloned at u n time here
.tuferS The amount to be appOrtlon-
ed was s~f65.ss9.1i. The counties re-
ceivcd the following sums;
ncrnaiillc county. t0.iGe, si51F1.3S:
Chavcs 5.soa. s~S.St6.t7; Curry. 2.627.
&S4qiAs3; Coifax. b,ii2. S~T.6si.S2.
Dona Ana. 5.7Sd. sS.6sT5s; Eddy. g.
.s43. t5.42SO5; Grant. G,s5i. ~se.ts2ee,
Guadalupe. $3.50. S5.7ss sos Lincoln.
asst. ss.gggss; Luna. 2.s36. g..
.629.e4i Mckinley. 1871 s~2.5hSis.
Mora. 4,5fe. ~se.52SSi. Otcro. 8.1t3.
Sf.0s5.ss. Quay. a.Sfs. S~5.7ga.52; Rio
Arriba, assoc. Ss.7g9.9s; Roosevelt g.
ST.. ~st,27I7e. san Juan. s.09S. sa.-
i2s.02; san Miguel 1888. t1l.s4e.s5;
S%andosal 1912. S2.SfS.SS. Santa Fc.
6.fi9. Si0.0ii.al. Sierra. 1.5t6. So
eSS.6f socorro. 5.te2. S7.6Qi.9S; Taos.
i.22s. s6.sfi.2T; Torrance. 2.Is9. So
63fiis Union. 5.275. ~S7.Sb972: Va.
lencia $500. S5.2i5.0O.
The huge sum vas accounted for RI
part hy the return OF $4,000 from
the state aid fund which has ceased
90 exist. TO the general school fund.
The evening herald. [volume] (Albuquerque, New Mexico) 1914-1922, 1915-12-21
STIFF FINGERS" AN
HEREDITARY AILMENT

Boston. Dec. 2i.-in the proceed
ines Of the National ACADEMY Of Sci
ences for December. Or. Cushing OF
ihc Harvard medical school and Peter
Rent Brigham hospital. Boston. an
nounces 20 the academy some results
that he has foand in studying the
heredity OF "stin fingers" "a ,ype OF
congenitsi malformation Of the hands
or feet. known as "HymphalanEism.
He has studied the history OF "a Fam
iiy which migrated from SCOTLAND g.
Virginia in 1890. and has fouud tina,
"stin fingers are hereditary with the
regularity which Is expected tn cer-
tain traits.
OF the more than 500 descendants
Of the Scotch emigrant about 25 per
cent had 'stin fingers" In families
IN which neither parent was affected
the children were not affected. In
families Ia which one parent, either
mother pr father. was affected. about
half Of the children were affected
with the malformation. and cases
arise IN which the detect Is transmit
ted IN outspoken form by a parent In
whom Il Is in~conspicuous.