Honolulu star-bulletin. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu, Hawaii]) 1912-2010, 1915-08-16
Battleships With Concaye Sides
and Mirrors Also Suggested
as Means for Defense

Hawaii need no longer fear for hel
safety. On board the cruiser Mary
land, probably due to the fact thai
two OF her new ensigns come from the
Paradise of the Pacific" one of the
brilliant machinist's mates on board
after digesting many of the adven
lures of Craig Kennedy and consum
ing countless Fatima cigarettes has
evolved many plans for her defense
At first he was reluctant to part with
his ideas, but promising him a years
subscription to whatever magazine
contains the adventures OF Craig Ken.
nedy and dozen boxes of Fatimas
he disclosed the following plans.
My plans" he said, carefully
thumbing the place in his book, where
he was reading of Kennedy's latest
exploit, that of saving the Maharajah
of Swat from being poisoned by dis
covering that his tea came from Island
Of Bolonango. where his fathers enc
my dwelt, my plans are the careful
application of scientific principles and
] cannot imagine why someone has
not used them before, they are sc
simple. Briefly, they are as follows:
First, would build all our bat
tleships with concave sides, and In
stead of painting them the usual war
color would have their sides very
highly polished, so that they would
be perfect mirrors. The reason for
this would soon be apparent. The
concave mirrors, as the sides would
be, would cast an image of the enc
my's ships somewhere to the right and
front of our ships, when we were at
the proper angle. There would be the
image of the enemy's own ships and
they would imagine our ships were at
the various focal points. Not only
would they be wasting their ammuni.
tion, but just imagine the effect on
crack gun crew If they would seem
to be hitting what appears to be al
target and not doing any damage to
It They would become panic strick.
en- and shoot all over the ocean.
Il would also carry this plan into
effect at night by simply getting al
sufficient quantity of phosphorus and
placing 1t around all the various is.
lands of the group. always keeping a
sufficient supply at Pearl Harbor to
allow this to be replcnished at inter-
walls. At night the waters so polluted
with phosphorus would become highly
phosphorescent and this phosphores-
cence would act the same as If the
sun was shining.
AN additional plan have to aid
in this deception as to our actual DO,
sition Is this: ! would hire Matthew
son, Coombs, Walsh and Wood and
probably four OF. five others of the
best baseball pitchers living. These
men ! would detail at the various
stations. You know, to pitch |
either an out or "inv curve ii is |
necessary to impart a certain rotary
motion to the ball. should estab
lish the rating of shenmen and pow
dermen and have these men trained
by these crack pitchers to impart the
necessary rotary motion to the shell
and powder as 1t is loaded into our
guns. These curves break sharply, /
and In the same manner, a shell fired |
with the necessary rotating impulse
would go straight until it was about
abreast of the enemy's ships and then
break suddenly and come at them
rom the side. The enemy couldn't
ell where the shots were coming from
md that would soon mean complete
Generalization"
Here Hank Kello paused long
enough to light another Fatima, and
liter a few puffs, continued:
Zone Of my other plans would do
lway with the necessity of planting
nines all around the various harbors
instead Of mines | would plant gigan-
ic exhaust blowers all around, plac-
ng them in large squares. Let us i'm,
lgine for an instant that the enemy
comes within the radius of one OF
hese plants At a given signal all the
exhaust fans in the neighborhood are
let off full blast. This naturally
would make large hole on the sur.
ace Of the ocean. Not only that, but
would also create a vacuum. 1t is
well known physical fact that water
vill follow the point of least pressure,
n other words, all the surrounding
water would tend to fill in this hole in
he water. The force behind it would
70 so great that it would be impos-
ible for the enemy's ships to with.
raw from the whirlpool and they
would irresistibly be dragged into this
lole.
I'm view of the recent discussions
bout submarines, l have not neglect
ID that important point in my plans.
first, would employ DR. Hornaday,
he curator of the New York Zoo, and
ogether with Burbank, have him de-
,elop hybrid whale, combination
II whale and ostrich, an 'cstriwhale'
would call it. / would only use the
ong neck of the ostrich and have the
lybrid so bred that this neck would
appear on the snout of the whole in
he same manner as the horn on the
Inicorn. This naturally would assume
he dark gray color of tho whale, and
very time a school of these whales
anne up to blow the enemy would
imagine it was fleet of submarines
md flee with all possible haste from
hat vicinity. BY breeding sufficient
numbers of these ostriwhales ] would