The Detroit times., 1915-04-07
Finderne Holigan Fayne.
~ OR. FRANK CRANE
Copyright. 1915. by Frank Crane)


This is tribute to Lady Finderne
Holigan Fayne, of Somerville, New
Jersey.
Let us not wait till she Is dead to lay
our wreathes at her feet. doff our caps
in respect, and duly to hoorah, hoch, and
vive la; but now, while she still lives
and can move her contemplating eyes
upon her admirers, let us genufiect and
pull our forelocks, as behooves us COM
moners In the presence of the quality.
Finderne Holigan Fayne is COW. At
this writing she is chewing her cud and
switching her tail, outwardly, while in
wardly she is doing the finest job Of
secretlng milk known throughout the
length and breadth Of these United
States.
That is F. H. Fayne's prime title TO
distinction; 10 wit, that, being born a
COW, she is performing that work where
unto COW is destined, she is giving milk.
She is not pining away with desire to
paint. TO preach, nor to shine socially,
parts, she hopes not 10 run for Office, TO
be grand worshipful warden of the lodge
nor TO be leader of society.
What God made her TO do, that she
wants to do. and does, namely, to give
large bucketfuls Of milk. with heaps of
butter in il. Good! It's so rare to see
anybody doing what they were cut out
TO do, and being contented at il, that
we are overcome with a great emotion.
We approach, we kiss Finderne upon her
cool. moist nose. We love her, and would
makes her ours. Only we haven't the
price. Neither any room in the fiat.
Whose claim TO fame is sounder than
Finderne Holigan's? Won Hindenburg
murdered acres of Russian moujiks. he
is benefactor TO vultures; Jack John
son punched various and sundry mugs;
Roosevelt discovered the river Of Doubt;
Peary found the North Pole; and then
there are the prize roses at the flower
show, the prize dog at the bench show
and the prize trotter at the horse race:
To each his need Of praise: but as for me
and my house our voice is still for Find
erne Holigan Fayne, from whose gener-
Gus udder leap the ivory waves which
in one year have added to the worlds
supply 24,600 pounds of milk, contain
ing l.1l6 pounds Of butter.
Mankind's truest and best friend in the
gentle COW. II is she that by her treas
ures saves the lives of innumerable
babies, filing their gnawing stomachs
with lacteal ambrosia. giving them
smiles and sleep, fat cheeks of health
and delicious dimples of gladness.
II is she that saves the invalid, the
convalescent II is she that whitens
and enriches our coffee, buffers our
bread, lubricates our fap-jacks, dilutes
our oatmeal and is altogether our crutch
of necessity, our house Of health and our
palace Of luxury.
Take, if you must, our. dogs, cats,
mules, horses, pigs and chickens, but
spare the cows.
Above all, o Fate, spare Finderne Hol-
igan Fayne, COW of cows, queen OF hu-
manity's allies!
Let our old men bow before her in SEN
atorial procession; let our youth dance
and sing in her praise; let maidens hang
floral chains upon her neck: let mothers
hymn to her and universal Babylon goo
and chortle at her name.
Let the Mortimer give her the Nopef
prize. the Car decorate her with the
Order Of the First Class, the Kaiser
hang upon her dewlap the Iron Cross
the King of England enroll her as
knight of the Garter, and the Americans
Give her a season pass to the ball game.
For Finderne Holigan Fayne sure
roada oood