The county record. [volume] (Kingstree, S.C.) 1885-1975, 1915-01-07
his EXPERIENCE
BY PETER hickuM.

I don't propose to make myself ex
ira ridiculous by calling myself g
hero. My solitary, wifsless existence
In this secluded grove must not be
ascribed to poverty OF misanthropy
as I own several nice farms and would
graciously permit any .middle-aged lady
to superintend the said real estate and
my piano; but my solitary life is due
to my two besetting sins-havine
loved too many girls, and having been
too good.
Il I am myself too far advanced in
life to gain benefit from my sad expe
rience. but 1t might be Of value to
those who are rot too old to learn.
My childhood shall be skipped. with
the lacenic allusion that l wasn't the
worst boy in my native village on the
Rhine.
When asked what l intended to
make of myself / always answered
by! looking at the nearest girl handy
My father, who was physician OF
considerable fame, had a burning de.
sire to have me. his son Peter, b.
come doctor Of medicine and sur
gerry. He sent me at the early age OF
seventeen to celebrated medical col
lege, accompanied by his warmest
well-wishes and . bundle of rules in
regard to my behavior while away
from home. My arrival at the seat of
learning caused some head-shaking
among the skull-capped professors and
considerable giggling among the stu
dents. To remove my bashfulness l
was ordered to occupy dark corner
Of the school-room-all to myself
where l was told to study the anat-
omy of grinning monkey, and to tell
what l knew about the bones when
the teacher came around.
But, alas. l was disturbed in my
anatomical studies by rafting noise
in the back yard. Casting my eyes
from my subject into the back yard,
I espied a fair maiden pumping cis-
tern water with all her might. She
looked up and 1 again looked down,
until the fair pumper had filled the
bucket and pumped my heart clear
into the back yard.
l forgot to peruse any more the
frightful skeleton, but my eyes con-
stantly explored the contents of that
fatal back yard.
The fair pumper, my first love, was
seen by me no more. I pined and be-
came haggard-looking; my teachers
felt my pulse and shipped me home
without delay.
/ recovered from the fever in about
two months, and went to circus. l
became greatly interested in the wax
figures of Cain, who killed Abel, and
ia the eleven good apostles.
But the curtain rose, when, 10 and
behold! there stood lassie with
shining golden hair. loved her with
out the least preliminaries, and
couldn't sleep. for many nights on ac-
count of the charming circus-girl
Then I emigrated to this country,
where I have been entirely too good,
and loved fair damsels by the score.
Ha, didn't think that by carrying
my whole early apple crop to those
three Sand Hill ladies the oldest
would reciprocate my ardent affection?
But she snubbed me as soon as the
early apples ceased coming.
And that preachers daughter, whom
I first saw and loved at the Oak Hill
camp-meeting. She came near splitting
in my face.
The Dipperman girl held out seduc-
tive inducements until, when popped
the question, she crawled away with
my bleeding heart, telling me that she
couldn't leave her parents for such a
forlorn-looking wretch as l was.
The Fulton county, girl smiled as
long as l let her father have his own
way with my corn and hogs, but talked
bad to me as soon as I vetoed his
thievish proceedings.
| DON'T WISH 10 HleutloH Iuo loui
school.nlarms l once dearly but valnly
adored, nor will | tell the particulars
about my short marriage with an ex-
war-widow, who cost me 81 for the
modifying and 800 for loosening it.
I am now nearly seventy years OF
age, lead frugal life, supply several
destitute widows with fuel, and live
a hermit life in this patch of timber
which some sarcastic local newspa-
per writer christened Misery Grove,
because, as he fiendishly explained
"Old Peter is a miser. in misery
will persist that I would be al
happy as the majority II / were equal
ly mean. But the way 1t stands am
without a peer in this section, by rea'
son of having loved too many girls
and having practiced that other be-
setting sin, not having been good
enough to myself. but too good to
others.
When Iceland Went Dry.