davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
Her Loss.

Il never have any luck. Everything
goes against me-,
What's the matter now?"
THE doctor says my husband must
give up smoking"
Well, you ought to be glad If he
follows the doctors orders"
Glad? Just as | was within 500
coupons of having enough to get new
set Of cut glass tumblers."
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
His Share,

"Jiggers was around again yester-
day collecting money for his pet
charity"
Huh! I wonder if he ever COM
tributes anything HIMSELF"
"Oh, yes; he furnishes the fountain
with"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
Obeyina Directions.

Good heavens, John, what made
you pick out such an ugly woman to
send home? She scared the baby ali
most into fits
Just did what you told me, Mari...
You said you wanted a plain cook
and / got the plaiuest one to be had"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
When the Honeymoon slumped.

What time will you be home,
dear?" asked the young wife, as her
husband started downtown after break
fast.
oh, about / t. m.," he replied.
You mean p. M, don't you?" she
asked.
No replied the heartless wretch.
Il meant just what said-1 t. m. To-
morrow. Seer"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02

Don't you wish the good old songs
could be heard again?"
Such thing would be impossible.
With zeppelins and submarines every
where, imagine anybody trying to
arouse joyous enthusiasm by singing
up in a Balloon, Boys or Sailing
Over the Bounding MAN,"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
How II Happened,

The mouse NAT Jack built had just
been completed.
And the beauty of It," boosted Jack,
than the architects estimate"
thus another classic found It's way
to the desk Of the Iairy tale editor.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
An Improved Quinine, Does not Cause
Nervousness nor Ringing in Head

The happy combination of laxatives In LAX
ATIVE BROMO QUININE makes the Quinine
in this form have far better effect than the
ordinary Quinlne, and 1t can be taken by any
one without affecting the head. Remember to
call for the full name, Laxative Bromo Qulnine.
Look for sig Gature of E. w. Grove. 25c.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
|DOAN,S T FIfHs
HoxsIE's GROUP REMEDY
Mean Cat!
OOT at OH SUITES
Eosfer.Milburn Co. Props. Buffalo, my

certain fof Group Coughs and Colds No opium. No
aausea All druggists SO cts A. p Hoxsie, Buffalo, N,
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
Study.

Diplomacy" remarked the observ-
ant person, requires thorough study"
Yes replied Senator Sorghum. In
order to be a good diplomat you've
got to know all the facts in order to
avoid saying anything which might
lead to their discovery"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
ANXIOUS TO HELP OTHERS.

Having been a sufferer from lung
trouble some time and now well, I
will gladly give anyone with bronchial
asthma, throat or lung trouble full
information free of charge, as to the
treatment / took at home. Address
Miss M. B. Roberts, rs Foster St.,
Worcester, Mass,-Ady,
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
Watch Your Step.

Patience-How do you like Wills
dancing?
Patrice-Well, it's a little irregular.
How so?"
Sometimes he tears my dress and
sometimes he doesn't"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
Appropriate Improvement.

Friend-How did you manage to pay
for that fine concrete basement in
your house?
Author-Oh, did that with my best
seller.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
Wonderful.

Il heard that they made car wheels
out OF paper. Don't you think that is
wonderful"
mo. I've, heard of stationary en-.
gines lots of times"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
Limited Belief.

DO you believe in future punish
ment of eveTiScting fire and brim-
stone?" asked the man with the ques-
ton habit.
Only for my neighbors," replied
the party of the egotistical part
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02

so old Hiram had hand-to-hand
tn tale?"
"Yas, by gum, an tibet seems t. be
all he lived fer!"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
About the Size of II.

Hyker-Every president should be
given second term.
Pyker-What's gnawing you now?
Hyker-Fewer of his office-seeking
friends would be disappointed during
his second term.
Pyker-How do you figure that
out?
Hyker-He would have fewer to dis
appoint.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
A Better System.

81 have a dreadful row every time
l ask my husband for little money"
Your system is all wrong, my dear.
Ask him for lot of money. Then
he'll be glad to compromise on a
little"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
Small Fine.

Bill see a Birmingham Judge
fined himself 81 for being late at
court.
Jill-It's lucky Tor the Judge that
the lawyers waiting for him didn't
have the right to impose the fine.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
som.thlna In Store.

I'm face dragon to win that gtri
Just as knights did in days of yore. In
fact, I'd welcome dragon TO face.
Your wish may be gratified Wait
until you see her mother. my boy"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
Remarkable Woman

He went his way serenely
And showed no trace of care.
His wife. 1t seems. was never
without thing to wear"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
A Question of lime.

The New Parson-Well, I'm glad to
hear you come to church twice every
Sunday.
Tommy-Yes, I'm not old enough to
stay away yet.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
Unfortunately Not.

You say she treats you like a dog?'
81 don't say anything of the sort
When l see how she treats that Bos.
ton bull of hers wish she would. -
Judge.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
Manv sohoo, Children Arc s,ch,v.

Children who are delicate, feverish and crost
will get immediate relief from Mother Grays
Sweet Powders for Children. They cleanse the
stomach, act on the liver, and are recommended
for complaining children. pleasant remedy
for worms. Used by Mothers for 28years. At
all Druggists, Csc. Sample FREE. Address.
A. 8. olmsted, LIE Roy, N. Y. Adv.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
Matches the Fittinus.

How in the world did Blanche come
to marry man over seventy"
she says he harmonizes so we'll
with the antique furniture her mother
left her."
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
HoneXmoonerS.

II just got back from trip to Bar-
muda. There wasn't a single passen-
ger on the boat besides myself"
That's strange"
mot at all. They were all mar
ried."
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
His Classification,

This one OF the pair of receivers
of stolen goods. your honor. acts as
lookout while the other is getting the
goods"
Il see. He's a picket fence"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
Their Affiliation.

See those two men across the
street? They carry out the theory
that birds of feather flock together"
In what way?"
'One is Jail bird and the other a
stool pigeon"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
Speedy.

Il understand young Jiggers has
taken up the pursuit of literature"
Yes, but ha hasn't caught 1t yet.
is pretty swift nowadays,
you know"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
Unpopular.

Higgins doesn't seem to have
many friends"
He hasn't. Last Saturday he had
three tickets to the football game
and he couldn't get anyone to go
with him.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
Its Capacity.

"Shellfish have not the slightest
spark of intelligence"
Il don't know about that I've seen
a clambake dinner"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
Its Value.

THE daisy ought to be selected as
an emblem for sports
why that particular fiower?"
Because every day is field day
for the daisy
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
Drop in Chickens,

Mrs. Styles heard something
Katie. Did you break anything?
Katie-Only the legs off the chicken,
ma am.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02

"Algernon called on me yesterday
afternoon
Yes; he told me he had some time
to kill."-Kansas City Journal.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
Woman and a Bee.

"a woman reminds me Of bee,"
remarked the Shelbyville Sage.
Whats the answer" we asked.
Whenever l see one" replied the
S. s., she suggeats either honey or a
sting"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
Been Through Them.

Mr.. Bacon-Did you know, dear,
have only two suits of clothes to my
name?
Mrs. Bacon-Yes, John; l have no.
ticed that you have very little change
in your clothing.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
The Sort,

Here is a new costume which is
called the kite gown"
Il suppose the only ones to wear it
will be the fashionable high-fyers."
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
Never.

Relay races among the boys seem
very popular"
yes; but they never apply to re-
laying carpets"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02

A mere man says the average wom-
an always exaggerates except when
talking about her own age.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
Advice.

My son. read this advice with care.
For 1t is no mere dream;
The man who generates hot air
Will never get up steam.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
Superiority of the Hoo

The hog is far superior
To the traitor any day;
For while he is a squealer.
He nothing gives away.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02

$50 you are saving money!"
MY, yes! I'm buying less that
can't afford than ever before"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02

The man who does his best will hold
his job longer than the man who could
do better but doesn't
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02

Women who are the most careful of
their compilations are those who
haven't any of their own.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
HAVE YOU
A Child +?

Many women long for children. but because of
come durable physical arrangement are deprived
of this greatest of all happiness.
The women whose names follow were restored
to normal health by Lydia F. Pnkham's Vcgeta-
bic Compound. Write and ask them about il
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02

What Started the Quarrel.
Young Wife Cat horne)-Hello. dear
est.
Young Husband lat the ofice)-
Hello, who Is it?-Puck.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02

ma am.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02

Many spinster is sorry she learned
tc say mo"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1915-12-02
Foreman,s occupation Conc.

Casey (annoyed at surveillance)-
Say! is watchin' me all yez have to
do?
Bisbee daily review., 1915-04-06

plot breaking out con me. very much as the measies do. at most inopportune time for everybody concerned and my secretary. more wide awake than you'd imagine by looking at him. urged ne Co coddlc the muse while she was will Ing
 lt was especially annoying coming, as it did. just as 1 was about to set or for fortnights motorboat trip up the Danube with Elsie Hazzard and her stupid husband. the doctor
 The fourth day of our delectable eN- cursion brought us Co an ancient town whose name you would recall if l were fool enough Co mention it and where We were to put up for the night On the crest of a stunendous crag over hanging the river. almost opposite the town. which isn't far from Krems. stood the venerable but unvenerated castle Of that high handed old robber baron. the first of the Rothhoefens
 We picked up a little of its history while in the town and the next morn ing crossed over to visit the place. It's antiquity was considerably enhanced by the presence of caretaker who would never see eighty again and whose wife was even older Their two sons lived with them in the capacity of loafers and. as things go in these rapid times of ours. appeared tO be even older and more sere than their parents.
 It is winding and tortuous road that leads up to the portals of this huge old pile Halfway up the hin we paused Co rest. and l quite clearly re- member growing that if the confound. ed thing belonged 10 me I'd build a ! funicular or install an elevator without delay.
 l The next day instead of continuing our delightful trip down the river we three were scurrying to SaaIsburg, urged by a sudden and stupendous ! whim on my part and filled with a new ] interest in life
 had made up my mind to buy the castle!
 At the end of three days ] was the ! sole owner and proprietor of a feudal stronghold on the Danube. and the joyous Austrian who had owned it was a little farther on his way to th, dogs, a journey he had been negotiat
Bisbee daily review., 1915-04-06
CHAPTER L

Make No Effort to Defend Myself R AM guts sure il was my Uncle
 E8s who said that l was fool
 It memory serves me well be re-
 icyed himself of that conviction iu the presence of my mother-w hose brother ue Uas-ut a time when was least competent t1 acknowledge his wisdom and most arrogant in assert iug my Uwu was a freshman in college. Mct-or condition perhaps which should serve as an excuse for both of ua. ] possessed another uncle, incidentally, and while ] am now con viuced that he must have felt as Uncle Rias did about ir. be was one of those who suffer in silence.
 | assume therefore. that it was Uncle Rias who orally convicted me, am as sumption Justified to some extent by putting TWO and two together, after the poor old gentleman was laid away for his long sleep He had been very emphatic in his belief that a fool and his money are soon parted Up to the time of his death l had been in no way qualified to dispute this ancient theory. lu theory, no doubt l was the kind of fool he referred to. but in practice ! was quite am uutried novice. It is very hard for even fool to part with something be hasn't got Not until Uncle HIas died and left me all Of his money was ] able to demon stralp that dead men and fools part with it.
 In any event Uncle EiIas did not leave me his money until my freshmen days were far behind me, wherein lies the soluce that be may have ont grown am opinion while l was going through the same process. At twenty three confessed that all freshmen were insuueUuIe and immediately aft. crward took my degree and went out into he world to convince it that sen. iors are by uo means adolescent
 My mcle's original estimate of me as a freshman, of course-was uttered when at the age of eighteen picked out my walk in life. 80 to speak After considering everything l decided to be literary mana novelist or a play wright. l hadn't much of a choice be tween the two. or perhaps a journalist Being journalist, of course, was pre- lmiuury. a sort of makeshift At anl rate ] wis going Co be a writer My Uncle BiIas. % hard headed customer who had read Scott as a boy and thD Wall Street News as as man withou being misled by either was scornful He said that 1 would outgrow it; ther was some consolation in that He ever admitted that when he was seventeen he wanted to be am actor There yol are. said be.
 1 argued that uovelists make a grea deal of money and playwlights, toe for that matter He said in reply tha an ordinarily vigorous washerwoma' could make more money than the aver age novelist and she always had
 stocking without a hole to keep it in which was more 70 the point
Bisbee daily review., 1915-04-06
Remarkable Results Fol- low the Action of a
 Famous Remedy.

The action of S. &. s. the famous blood remedy is a wave of health from the stomach to every other part of the body.
 Any skin disease, no matter what it's name, be it eczema, psoriasis, acne. lu- pus, or just plain boils pimples or stubborn abscess, must give way to the Influence of s. s. s. Why so2 Simply be- cause there Is in s. & S. certain medi- cinal influences just as essential to blood health as are the elements of the grains, meats, fats and sugars of our daily food. Get a bottle today of any drug- gist and then write to the Medical Ad- wiser, The Swift Specific Co, m Swift Bldg, Atlanta, Ga. He will tell you about skin afliction, such as you never before realized. Ho will clear up the mystery of why certain diseases of the blood make straight for the skin. He wlll also clear up your doubts as to the nature, cause and proper care of your self in any form of blood trouble. His advice is perfectly free. There is scarce ly a community in the U S. but where you will find someone Go enthusiastic cally tell you how they are now cured but at ono time were sufferers from rheumatism, or catarrh, or some severe form of skin or blood trouble Get a bottle of 8. S. 8. today, but refuse any and all substitutes.
Bisbee daily review., 1915-04-06

 of the Rothhoefens.
 iug with great ardor ever since com ing into possession of ana estate once valued at several millions
 TO make the story short, the Haz- zards and 1 returned 10 Schloss Roth- hOefen in some haste, primarily for the purpose of inspecting it from dun geou to battement An interesting concession on the part of the fate owner uhe gentleman hurryng to catch up with the dogs that bad got a bit of start on him may here be mentioned He included an of the con tents of the castle for lie price paid and the deed or whatever you call it, specifically set forth that !, John Bel amy Smart. was the sole and undis putcd owner of everything the castle held
 Our second and more critical survey of the lOWeA floors of thc castle reveal ed rather urgent necessity for exten- sive repairs and refurbishing, but was not dism0yed With a bithcsome disregard for expenses l dispatched Rudolph. the elder of the two sons, to Linz with instructions tO procure aru- sans who could be depended upon to undo the ravages of time to certain extent and who might even suggest a remedy for leaks.
 My friends, ahhOrriug rheumatism and like complaints. refused to sleep over night fla thp drafty. almost pane ] less. structure. They came over Co see me on the ensuing day and begged me ] 10 return tO Vienna with them. But, ! full of the project in hand, would not be moved With the house full of ] carpenters backsmiths. masous, lock. smiths, tinsmiths. plumbers. piasterers, i glaziers. joiners. scrubwomeu and chimney sweeps, l felt that ] couldn't go away and leave it without con ! trolling influence
 Just as they were leaving my secre tary and my valet put in an appear. ance, having been summoned from Vienna the day before. confess was glad to see them The thought of spending a second night in that limit less bedchamber, with all manner of night birds trying to get in at the win dows was rather disturbing, and ] wei comed my retainers with open arms.
 My first night had been spent in 6
Bisbee daily review., 1915-04-06

huge old bed. carefully prepared for occupancy by Herr Schmick's frau. l knew there was a ceiling. for had seen its beams during the daylight hours but to save my soul ] couldn't imagine anyrhing so far away as it seemed to be after the candles had been taken away by the caretaker's wife who had tucked me away in the bed with ample propriety and thor oughness combined.
 Twice during that interminable night I thought l heard a baby crying. So it is not unreasonable to suppose that l was more than glad to see Poopen- dyke. my secretary. clambering up the path with his typewriter in one hand and his green baize bag in the other, followed close behind by Britton, my valet. and the Gargentuan brothers bearing trunks bags, boxes and my golf clubs,
 "Whewr said Poopendyke, dropping weariiy upon my doorstep.
 My secretary is a youngish man with thin. stOoping shoulders and a habit Of perpetually rubbing his knees together when he walks.
 "It is something of a climb, isn't itI" said beamiugly.
 "In the name of heaven. Mir. Smart, what could have induced you to- He got no farther than this, and to my certain knowledge this unfinished re. proof was the nearest he ever came to l openly couvictiug me of asininity. Make yourself at home, old fellow said l in some haste. felt sorry for him. We are going to be very cozy here"
 "CozyT murmured he, blinking
 "I haven't explored those upper re- gions." l explained ncrvously. diyiuing his thoughts. We shall do 1t together in a day or two"
 Tt looks as though it might fall down if We josued it carelessly,' he | remarked, having recovered his breath.
 'I am expecting masons at any min ute" said l, contemplating the unsta- ble stone crest Of the northeast turret | with some uueasiness. My face bright. | eued suddenly. That particular sec ton of the castle is uuiuhobitable, am told It really doesn't matter if it collapses. An, Britton! Here you are, l see Good morning.
 Briuou very eXacting servant looked me over critically
 Your coat and trousers need press ing. sir" said he And where am to get the hot water for shaving sirT
 Frau Schmick will supply anything you need. Button.' said |, happy ou being able to give the information
 Tt is not [ as needs it, sir said he feeling of his smoothly shaved chin.
 Come in and have look about the place. said |, with a magnificent sweeI of my arm to counteract the feeling oi utter insienlfcance ] was experiencing at the moment.
 (To be continued)
Bisbee daily review., 1915-04-06
PROLOGUE.
Who IS she?''

Who IS she2"
 How aid she get fHere2"
 These are fhe questions the fool asked of The carefGker of 8he penerable castle of That high handed old robber baron, the firsf of fhe Rothhoefeus.
 And Hese are the questions 1be interested reader starts 10 ask and keeps on asking while Aufhor McCutcheon develops one of the most mysterious, hu- H1orous and sprightiy stories thaf ever came from his pen.
 Who IS she?
 How did she gel Here?
 Read on and you will find much entertainment as we'll as the answer 10 these pertinent queries.
Bisbee daily review., 1915-04-06
SIMPLE WAY TO
 END DANDRUFF
Stop Falling Hair and Itching
 Scalp.

There is one sure way that has never failed to remove dandruf at once, and that is to dissolve it, then you destroy 1t entirely To do this, just get about four ounces of plain, common liquid arvon from any drug store (this is all you will need), apply it at night when retiring, use enough to moisten the scalp and rub it m gently with the finger tips.
 By morning, most if not all of your dandruh will be gone, and three or four more applications will completely dis solve and entirely destroy, every single sign and trace of it, no matter how much dandrut you may have.
 You will find all itching and digging of the scalp will stop instantly and your hair will be fluffy, lustrous, glossy silky and soft and look and feel a hundred times better
 lt you value your hair, you should get rid of dandruff at once for nothing de sroys the hair SO quickly. It not only starvcs the hair and makes 1t fall out, but it makes it striugy, straggly dull, dry, brittle and lifeless, and everybody notices it.