davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington herald., 1915-01-31

One morning goes by der butcher shop
TO buy me some sausage for breakIasl,
und after der butcher had done 1t oop
he says to me:
Hans, hear dot YOU don't get along
very well in peesness."
Yes. dot vhas so,'' says.
Don't you know dot over here in
America you have got to minsle senti-
meIC NIT pecsness?"
II neifer hear about K"
But am telling you now"
"Cnd how do you do it,
DO you see dot motto of God Bless
Our Homer"
Il do. Vhas she some sentiment
Il should smile! l pay 10 cents for 1t,
und she has sold me hundreds und hun
'dreds Of dollars worth of meat. Peoples
come IN here to call me a robber und
deg don't buy a bone of me, but after
one look at dot motto dey call me good
feller und order a porterhouse steak"
BY golly, order ten Of dose notices."
But dot motto don't do for you. 1t
Vhas motto for a butcher shop. You
need something else-sOmething new"
Mother Used to was?'"
of course not. 1 come by your shop
TINS AFTERNOON, und l gif scOch advise
dot you Will be a rich man in two years.
You vhas good man und like to see
you succeed"
He comes around und we haf a talk,
und now l like TO tell der public about
on in two pieces. One piece was for der
shop, und der other was for der museum
dot the butcher advised me to haf. In
my museum. in some wax und clothes
und sword in his right hand, is SheOrge
Washington. 1t vhas right dot eafery-
pody should see him und learn of his
haf any Sheorge Washington we don't
haf any liberty, und IL we don't hat
some liberty we was in jail most, OF der
time TIM for making troubles SheOrge
washington vhas no liar. Maybe he
was der biggest kind of liar If he live
long enough und see a few more politics,
but he died shust II. time to escape her.
More ash one thousand men haf tried
to be like SheorSe, but she vhas a fail
ure. In my museum he stands on one
foot und waves dot sword. but, nOpody
was afraid to pull him by der coat tails.
He was goOd-hearted und deadt und
harmless. II you stand before him you
feel dot you like to be great und good
und control der price Of sugar in Amer
lea.
In dot cage by der right hand of Wash
ington was a kangaroo. He was deadt und
there was no shump in his legs. 1 keep
him dot some school children may study
was not an eagle.
Next to der kangaroo is a figure mitout
head. ,yich is Christopher Columbus.
1t was ali right dot der children should
see him und know how great he was, but
one day man comes by my museum und
looks at Christopher for a long time und
says:
who was dot bloke NIT der bicycle
pants und swallow tailed. coat?'
He was Christopher Columbus"
''Und what does he do?''
He finds out America
'Vhell, dot makes me down on him. II
he don't find out America / vhas born
in Europe und don't haf to work for 81
Und he hauIs of und knock der cad
of Mr.. Columbus more ash ten feet
nix 1t back on und shange der sign to
The Washington herald., 1915-01-31
The Colonel's Duel
He Saved 1t For Another Time

After supper a dozen or more Of us
CunEregatcd in the hotel ohice Tor q
smoke, and presently the landlord came
:'CIcntIeuen- we have a flre-eater in
this town named Col. Sebastian. He has
several peculiar theories of his own. and
! wish to post you in advance. He is
very strong in his talk, and should you
differ with him he will challenge you to
a duel. The colonel is a dead shot, and
! hope you'll take friendly tip and not
engage in a discussion. Let him have his
own way and never mind what he says.
The colonel had never killed any one
vet but that he stood ready to do so II
his opinions were disputed the landlord
felt dead certain, and SO We agreed TO
agree with the colonel II he came in
ali but one. The exception was the
smallest and the most humble looking
man among the guests. No one knew that
he had made UP his mind to oppose the
colonel, and when the latter entered, half
an hour later, he picked him out Of the
crowd as a good man to so for. He
got alongside of him, and after a bit
turned on him with:
''Perhaps you have not been informed
that / am the originator of the idea that
alt men were once animals of some sort.
and that perfection has been reached only
after many centuries of time?"
NO, sir, 1 haven't" was the prompt
reply
But I am, sub. and what do you think
OF the idea?"
What idea?'
why, the one just stated. think
you heard me. ,suh-I think you did.
with that crowd, thank heavenr'
What's that, suht' exclaimed the col
onel as he Strengthened up.
Il said ! was glad didn't train with
that crowd"
Crowd, suh-crowd. Do you refer to
a man having a great idea as 'crowd?'
II do. ] wouldn't be found dead along
side of a man who had an idea of that
sort How a man OF your seeming in
telligence can"
''Suhl Do you know whae>you are say
ingr interrupted the colonel.
4 do"
And that your language, sub. Is per-
sonally offensive-personally offensive %
I'm sorry you belong to the crowd
who furnishes great 9deas."
Crowd, sub! Why, you have grossly
insglted me, and must at once apologize
or accept q challenger"
Bring on your challenge, colonel"
Then you will fight me. suh?''
Certainly. Just name time, place and
weapons. BY the way want to leave in
the morning. Can't VIC fight in the bill
The Washington herald., 1915-01-31
Der German Cobbler
He Acts This Time on the Advice Of the Butcher.

read, 'Juda Iscarrot" He was all right
when a man comes in und looks him oafer
UEd says:
looking all oafer town for him. Somepody
vhill get licked in two minutes,
He was only wax" l told him, but he
SAYS Il wac all der same to him, und oil
goes dot head again. Once more put
il on und shange dot sign to read, Dis
Vhas Shakespeare" He vhas all right
for two days. When a man comes in und
looks him oafer und goes out Pooty
soon he comes back init his wife unu
says:
haf seen him before"
81 seen dot same man on der street
car last week" she says.
lind What uoeS he do?'
HE shn1iles und wfnks at me-"
Dot vhas enOugh"' said der man, und
he gifts Shakespeare sOoch an uppercut
on der chin dot his head was broke in
ten pIeC es.
/ don't pat no head on dot man no
more. Some day he was DIR. Parkhurst-" ="
Den l make him Daniel Pratt" Capt.
Kidd" or der Gar of Russia" My mU-
scum vhas open all der time except Sun
day, when I haf to go und see my brother,
und der public vhill be made TO feel at
home und no costs After l vhas was
The Washington herald., 1915-01-31

in the history of Jericho has arrived. /
rall upon the Iightnin' rod man to state
his case.
There amt much to state replied
the man. I've offered to put up two
rods on the schoOlhouse and warrant
it a good job for $40. Bein' as a school
house is an emporium of knowledge and
hcin' as the cause Of education may be
laid to be thS bulwarSs of liberty, I've
Knocked SlJ of the reg'lar price,
I take it that he's made pint,
says the deacon as he tunks on the floor
with his cane emporium OF educatlon
Jest right and hit the schoolhOuse all
sides at once. ] fur once am standin'
neutral in this biZness, and I'd like to
hear both sides of the question. Mebbe
the schoolhOuse. would like to make
a few remarks
AS fur me, says Silas as he rises up,
I'm aein the idea of a lightnin' rod.
That there sChOolhoUse was built thir-
lcCn years ago, and durin' them thirteen
wears we've had seventy-twO thunder
storms. Why can't she dodge two hun
drCd" Forty dollars fur a lightnin' rod
means more taxation. Thar'S sich a
thing as an emporium of taxation. Jericho
is out OF debt and no one kickin, but
let the hand of excessive taxation clutch
her throat and how long would it take
10 strangle the life out of her! I'm askin'
YOU to pause and ponder aforc it is toe
:.Silas. you've made a pint. and a
strong one" says the deacon when the
applause had subsided. IF the school
house has lodged seventy-two thunder
storms. thars no reason to think she
won't keep up the record. Yes, it's
pint. and mebbe the Iightnin' rod man
would like TO answer it."
4 don't think much of the pint" says
the man as he gifts up agin. Thar s
9O.OOO.OGO people in these United States
and because none Of 'em fell down stairs
last year it don't foller that a heap OF
EN- won't tumble down this year. I've
known a man to go on dodgin' a mules
heels for sixteen years and then git
EN- both in the stomach at once. Mebbe
your schoOlhouse will dodge a hundred
The Washington herald., 1915-01-31

frowned like a bushel Of carpet tacks,
did you hear that 1 was a duelist?''
Something was said to that effect"
''And that 1 had had twelve affairs OF
honah?''
"Only twelve, colonel? Why, I under
stood 1t was twenty" replied the other:
We'll, this one will make you thirteen!''
Yes, suh-yes, sub. Will you honah
ME by giving your name?
Name? Please excuse me for my for
getfulness. Did you ever hear Of Gen.
Chilvers?'
"Why-why-''
'Of the Louisiana Tigers?'
''Who-what-'
who led nine desperate charges at
Second Bull Rum
BLESS me, suh!"
And who has killed three times the
number of men that you have in duels?'
Gen. Chilvers-"
Never mind that, colonel. You have
challenged me, and I accept. Let US
have it over with as soon as possible,
as I have some business to attend to-"
'I choose pistols. and 1 don't think It
will detain me over five minutes. Where
shall We go?''
The colonel swallowed his Adams ap-
pie three or four times and then asked:
'-You-you won't apologize?'
mo, sir, never! Ny object is to XIII
you and get a theorist on the earth
Hurry up, or 1 may not be able to hold
myself''
The colonel was on his feet, but he
drew himself up, settled his hat on his
head. and his face was as white as flour
and his voice trembled as he said:
''Suh, I am fighter and dead shot,
but as this is my birthday, sub. and
don't want TO stain it with bloodi j
overlook your rather eccentric waysH
And when the silence had lasted five
long minutes the landlord turned to the
small and humble man and gasped:
For heavens sake, who and what
are your
And the reply was:
'Oh, I'm just named Simmons, and !
travel for Chicago crockery house! This
is my first trip"
The Washington herald., 1915-01-31

He was holding his breath fairly well.
but his flesh was red and warm, and
saw a quiver OF the eyelids now and
then as we stood over him. When we
turned away asked Of the bereaved
wife:
Isn't your old man given to fits or
the sulks?"
That's Jest him." she replied. HE
gifts mad and sulks around fur three or
four days at a time"
Did you have trouble yesterday"
I'VE did, sab. We had a dispute, and
he got the sulks."
Did he say anything last night about
dying?"
He said If he was found dead In
the mawnin' I'd be sorry, and he's bin
found dead and III"
My good woman, your husband is not
dead. He's only playing 'possum on you.
He's just as much alive this minute as
either one OF us!'
"Shoo! Is that so?''
ut is''
But why don't he git up
Because he's still sullxing and wants
to punish you. Is he much of fighterT'
mo. Reckon he dasn't tackle anybody"
HAS he got a rifie?''
Mary one"
Then. if you wish it. I'll arouse him
for you. Get me gourd full OF water
She got the gourd and We returned to
the room of death" I saw at once
that the man had changed his position.
but bending over him 1 said to the
widow:
Poor man! I hope he is better on. i
should like to attend his funeral, but
Here / tipped the gourd and splashed
gill OF ice-cold water over his throat
and breast He was on end in half of
a second, eyes and mouth wide open and
gasping for breath, and when he could
manage his tongue he said:
Stranger. I once knew a man who
stole the feed from blind mewlr'
Yes
"And knew man who pized his ole
father to git his butes!"
Yes
and I knew a man who put tacks in
his wife's shoes. so she wouldn't war
'em out 50 fastr' \
Yes
But OF all the drafted human varmInts
ever did know, yo' ar the drattedest.
and II hadn't Jest. died and cum to life
ag'in I'd git up and whop yo' all over the
state o. TENNESSEE"
The Washington herald., 1915-01-31

was running on fast freight as fire.
man, and my engineer was a man named
CoIviIle. He was ten years my senior,
and also an old bachelor. Jim was what
everybody called a square man. He had
lots of sentiment for a plain, uneducated
man, and conscience so tender that he
wouldn't have knowingly hurt the feel
ings of an Indian. He was sort Of a
daddy for 200 miles along the line and
had the esteem of officials and men alike
The idea that Jim would fall in love at
his age would have been laughed to
scorn by all who knew him. and yet he
not only went soft" on a girl, but made
the mistake bachelors often do. She was
a chit named Mary Blaine, only half his
age and a coquette and flirt- We figured
it out that there was more sympathy
than love on his part, and that she was
marrying him instead Of a younger and
better looking man because he had sew
eral thousand dollars in the bank. and
would baby her up. They were married
on the quiet one day, and for few
weeks old Jim's face carried a look Of
contentment and things went well In his
little home at Pine Hill.
BY and by 1 noticed a change to anx-
iety, and at times the engineer was pre-
occupied and absent-minded. l never
asked Jim or any other man question,
but through the gossip of my landlady
learned that the young wife was very
eXtrayagant in her ways, and she was
given to fits of sulks when reproved. 1t
was also said that she was fond OF 60
ing to parties and balls and was being
generally criticised. Every week for
many weeks l heard some new gossip,
and. while realizing that II must be ex-
aggerated there was enough truth to
make me anxious about my old pard's
happiness.
1 hated to believe the tales, and yet
/ found many others limiting that the
young wife was not playing a straight
game with the trusting husband. Such
an affair is one Of the meanest on earth
to meddle with. 1t Is none of your busi-
ness, even If you are a brother, and yet
you feel that il Is and want to do some
thing / wouldn't have had old Jim de-
The Washington herald., 1915-01-31
OLD PAP PINKHAM
President Should Come to Jericho and Shake Hands.

Ny Dear Mr.. President-Don't you be
afraid of Champ Clark. 1t was at pub
lie meeting 1 had called for last night
that all the electors who favored him Tor
the next candidate were asked to stand
up. Only one man arose, ana ne was
arrested two minutes later for stealing
a calf When they were asked to stand
up for you the whole crowd arose. and
the cheering lasted 'leven minutes.
Come TO Jericho, Mr.. President-come
and make the personal acquaintance OF
our people and shake hands. Also, lis
ten to some of the soul-stirring incidents
that have happened here, one OF which
l am about to give you:
It was a lightnin' rod man who started
the schoolhouse discussion. he came
along the other day and saw that the
schooIhouse was without a rod, and he
went to the town board and offered to
put one up for SO much. The town
board wrastled over it all day without
comm to a conclusion, and when 1t got
to be known all over Jericho big crowd
assembled at the postoffice in the evenin'
to talk the matter over. 1t was Dea-
con Spooner who called the crowd to
order and said:
LAS it appears to me and to majority
of the citizens Of this town that an epoch
The Washington herald., 1915-01-31

man about fifty years old came down
tSrom above on a mule. He was long
Haired. roughly garbed man with a seri-
GUS cast Of countenance, and we didn't
look for any fun in him as he halted.
He naturally asked where we were bound
for, and we naturally asked his destina-
| tion in reply.
I'm a-goin' down to Golden Hill to
wake up the town." he replied with a
smile.
How wake it up?"
Wall, I've heard that things is power
and nobody bein' killed to boom things.
thought I'd go down and stir 'em up
and git things a-goin'.''
How do you propose to go at it?'
"Oh, that's easy mum. I'll put the ole
| mewl on a gallop and ride up and down
and hev a pop at three or four critters.
and things will be red hot in half an
hour. That's bin, my bizness fur the
and maxim things hum"
They may wake you up down there"
said one Of the crowd who knew the
Golden Killers fairly well.
'sYes, they NAV" replied the old man,
, with a queer smile lowering on his face.
That's what 1 need, however. I've bin
livin' up yefe in a cave fur the last six
months, and sorter need wakin' up to
He rode OFF down the trail, noddlng
his head as If in conversation with him.
self, and We pursued our way. Inree
days later we were back at Golden Hill
with the pack loads Of ore, and, meeting
the town marshal on the public square,
I whispered:
did an old fellow. mounted on a white
mule, come down here three days ago
to wake up the town."
He did," was the prompt reply.
Ibid he run his mule up and down
the streets?''
Yes"
did he pop at any of your
'fYes, he popped at every one who show
and did he wake up the town."
He certainly did. Yes, we were
aroused. and business was rushing for a
time. Did you meet the old chap?"
Eyes. He said he was on his way down
TO wake you up and he rather hoped
he'd wake up at the same time. Did he7''
well, no. The fact is. while he woke
us up we put him to sleep. Come over
here and take a look at him just to the
left Of that shanty.''
The old man was there, swinging from
the limb OF tree. just as they had left
him for three days. went closer and
saw that he had a disappointed look on
his face. Things hadn't come out as he
sswhy don't you cut him down and
bury himy' asked OF the ofiicer.
II VIII IN day OF two more. There are
two or three other fellows who talk OF
coming down 20 wake up Golden Hill and
make business red-hot and It won't do
no hurt 10 leave Il hanging there for
them to seer
The Washington herald., 1915-01-31
Back to Life.

At the door of the cabin perehed on
the mountain side stood a woman who
had evidently been weeping, and on a
stump to her left sat two children, whose
tears were still falling. There was trouble
there, and naturally asked the cause
Of It.
My ole man is dead"' was the brief
reply OF the woman.
when did he der
''This mawnin'. sab. Won't you 90 In
and look at him?y
I followed her in and gazed on the
face of the dead man. 1t needed only
one glance to show that he wasn't dead
The Washington herald., 1915-01-31

lizard room-out in the yard-up in my
room? No use waiting until tomorrow"
And you'll fight me, suh!' gasped the
colonel
with the greatest of pleasure, and
I'll bet a thousand dollars to a shilling
kill you, Where can We get swords
rifles, pistols or Bowie knives? 1 am
just aching to fight your
Were you told about me, sub, befo'
appeared here this evening";
"Oh, yes"
You were told that was Col. Sebas-
tian?"
'I believe that was the name"
The Washington herald., 1915-01-31

do you know" began Mr.. Bowser
after dinner the other evening, do you
know what prevents men from reaching
the north pole?"
Several. things" replied Mrs. Bowser,
who, being the only one present. took II
that the query was addressed to her.
Yes, several things. but principally
because Of the cold. But for the awful
temperature around the pole men could
easily over come the other difficulties.
The Washington herald., 1915-01-31

running for two weeks dot butcher comes
over und says:
''Vhell, Hans, how you like herr"
She vhas great" 1 says.
Don't you belief it vhas der thing to
do to-mingle sentiment nit peesness?"
TT sure vhas. My museum vhas senti-
ment. don't it?'
Sure
lind my cobblng was peesness?"
"Shust So"
''EhelI. haf 500 deadheads come in der
museums, und take in two dollars in der
cobbler shop
The Washington herald., 1915-01-31

cslved. and yet how could 1 go to him
with the gossip2
BY and by passenger engineer named
Frazer came 10 live at the Hill He was
a man OF twenty-eiSht. good-looking.
good company. and free-handed. He
knew Jim we'll and soon got acquainted
with his wife. threw myself IN Frazer's
way one dag and told him what public
The Washington herald., 1915-01-31

''The cOl.~ Sebastian of the Fifteenth
Texas?''
Yes, the Tenth or the Fifteenth"
who led the charge at Malvern HIP
''It was something like that"
mot only one charge, sub, but three
three desperate charges"
They say five. but let It 20 at three
And, sub, said the colonel IS ht
The Washington herald., 1915-01-31
Waking Up Golden Hill.

While we were taking rest at turn
in the trail over the Dog Mountains
The evening herald. [volume] (Albuquerque, New Mexico) 1914-1922, 1915-10-14
A Fair Week Attraction OF Merit

DRESS GOODS, WORTH TO $3.50; Special OR 40
for Fair Week, only---- PAsSI
We can confidently say that never have such values been
Offered anywhere such as We are offering this week in our
Dress Goods Department.
They are very desirable fabrics in the popular wcavcs and
reasonable ColOrs. Most of The materials are spongcl and
shrmk and are admirably suited for coats, wraps, skirts,
dresses and suits.
The wcavcs are Plaid NcnctiauS. Wool Crcpcs, CTNCncttcS.
SHARK skin. Br0cadcs. MatlOsscs aud many other wcayrs.
Among the new shades YOU will find African Browns, For.
Fest Green, Belgian Blue, Dark Red, Brick, Royal Blue, Flee.
trc Blue, Light and Dark Grays, Navy aud Black.
The Bennington evening banner. (Bennington, Vt.) 19??-1961, 1915-06-05
HEAVY FIGHTING
ALONG { NTI R {
GAlICIAN FRONT
Austro-Germans Expect Collapse
of Russian Campaign
HOW pHzEMYSl WAS TAKEN
Russians Still Hold Some Forts to
Cover Retirement OF Main
Army.

Austro-IIungarian Field Headquar-
ters, (via London, June Accord
ing to information given out by the
Austro- Hungarian military authori-
ties to representatives of the press,
heavy fighting is now in progress
along virtually the entire Galician
front, and the general situation is
very favorable to the Austro-Germans
A decisive conclusion to the entire
Russian campaign in Galicia is in
sight.
Przemysls recapture by Austrian
and Bavarian troops. according to
details received from the front, re-
suited from the taking of five forts in
the northern sector and the simultan
eous threatening of the forts on the
south and west fronts.
With the forts on the north side in
the possession OF the besiegers, with
Bavarian corps pressing impetu-
ously through the breach against the
city, and with the Austrian tenth
army corps within storming distance
OF the southern and western forts.
which artillery fire already had re-
duced sufficiently for attack. the Rus
SLAMS decided to evaeuate the town
and all the forts except those on the
eastern and southeastern sectors,
This movement was executed We'd
nesday night
The Bavarians resumed their at
tack at dawn on Thursday and enter,
ed Przemysl upon the heels of the
retiring Russians.
The Austrian tenth army corps sim
ultaneously started toward the west
and south fronts, but found the forts
there had been evacuated. An attack
now is in progress against the forts
still held by the Russians. those posi-
tions being defended apparently with
the object OF covering the latters'
retirement.
"The Russian rear guards the
statement to the press says. are
fighting delaying actions south of the
Dniester river against the Austro-
German forces advancing from Stry
to cover the passage of the river.
The Russians north of Przemysl are
launching a series of the most desper
ate attacks against General Won Mack
~.
use of new reserves. and at the same
time they are exerting heavy pres
sure against the troops commanded
by Archduke Joseph Ferdinand in the
triangle between the river San and
the river Vistula
THE Russian offensive in South
eastern Galicia designed to relieve
this situation, has been complete
failure