The Richfield recorder. (Richfield, Idaho) 1909-1931, 1915-12-24
THE WATER HOG

Men who in the rain belt are reas-
enable, rational, human animals, arc
almost certain to acquire the habits,
characteristics and impulses of the
microbe underlined in natural history,
but designated in the vernacular of
the arid sections as the Water
hog"
The water hog is a peculiar crea-
ture
He or it, for there are isolated in
stances of she water hogs, resembles
in general physical conformation hui
man beings, in mental and moral at
tributes there is nothing on earth
or in the heavens above to which it
may be compared.
1t is only in hell beneath the heay-
ems that bacilli of this specie may be
discovered.
Even there they are isolated as
much as may be possible from the
other denizens of the regions of the
damned
The first impulse of the water-hog
is to develop the idea that there is
only one creature on earth that that
lis HIM"
The next symptom that a human
animal is being gradually transform
ed into an aqua pura swine is the
obsessions that all the water in the
world is about to be bottled up and
stored away in some remote corner
of space where it will be forever
taken out of circulation.
This naturally causes the unfortu-
nate victim to have an uncomfortable
impulse to raise hell with the ditch
boss upon the theory that the threat
ened shortage will reduce his alfalfa
yield from seven tons to the acre to
five or his barley from Ill bushels
per acre to about IS which of course
would be calamity.
AS the disease progresses the hal
lucinations become more vivid, the
patient develops a morose and brood
ing temperament, loses his belief in
God, avoids contact with his fellow
creatures, shuns the beaten paths of
social activities and finally, a. the
paroXysms increase in frequency and
become more severe in their strangle
hold upon his nationality he chases
himself madly along the ditch bank
| FRO hao 70 - lof
lateral to check-drop until finally in
perfect frenzy of lQco=itis he dou-
bles over and, exhausted, gnaws his
belly band into small, slobbery,
pieces, with bis gnashing, smuggling,
teeth
oh, it's terrible diseased
Infection is communicated from
one animal to another. Generally
the germ enters the system of the
person about to be i'll with an attack
of this dreaded malady through the
ear.
A creature suffering with water
hogitis does not need to bite another
in order to get the microbe into his
anatomy. He can infect whole
neighborhood by simply opening his
mouth and saying something.
A strang thing about this affection
is that some animals who never use
water except as a ''chaser" and who
would not recognize wier If they
met it in the road though themselves
apparently free from the disease may
cause an epidemic that would raise
regular chain-lightning hades in an
otherwise peaceful neighborhood.
l have seen a whole school house
full of naturally decent and respect
able free-born American citizens sud
denly transformed into uncontrol-
liable water-hogs after listening few
brief moments to one Of these walk
ing arsenals of swineissis germs.
Generally the disease begins soon
after the water is turned into the
bitches in the spring, it gradually
grips the writhing sufferer in its
Shiny embrace with tighter squeeze
as the summer solstice arrives near
and nearer still
After while, when the crops are
harvested, when the alfalfa stacks
loom out on the landscape like
flock of anchored Zeppelins, when the
two hundred or more sacks to the
acre of spuds are graveled out and
stored away or sold for cold, glitter
ing, sheckles of gold; when the bin
has been filled with 85 or 80 bushel
barley, fifty or sixty bushel wheat,
Or los or IL hushel oats; when the
carrots have been gathered in and
the loamy acres have heaved a sigh
of relief for the 1000 or more bush
els which have been extracted from
their system; when the harvest is
over and the crops are garnered and
Thanksgiving time begins to wobble
across the pregnant, prosperous, pro-
ject, then the Water-hog feels his
temperature once again sliding down
touuard soma eansihle natural nor