The Lancaster news. [volume] (Lancaster, S.C.) 1905-current, 1915-10-19
PERSONAL GLIMPSES OF
GEORGE FITCH, HUMORLST

Gus articles and sketches.
ITO know George Fitch the jour
nalist was not as inspiring as to know
George Fitch the man. Endowed by
his parents with honesty, industry,
and exceptional talent along widely
! different lines, he developed chara.-
! ter and qualities which not only
made him truly great man, bu,
which guaranteed his success in the
, field in which he chose to work and
for which he was so peculiarly
adapted"
| His humor was not the sort that
lends itself to quips and cranks ana
like conceits. 1t was a slower sort,
to be consumed in generous portions
and leisurely fashion, rolled under
the tongue, chuckled over. 1t is.
therefore, difficult 90 sample ade-
quately; but few portions are SUI
mitted by The Chicago Herald, culled
from the "vest-pocket essays" tha,
appeared for some time in that pa
per. A few of these follow, in the
form of observations upon variety
of subjects which. quite possibly, the
majority of us take altogether too
seriously. There is, for example, the
affinity of the hen and the advertiser,
expressed in terms Of duck-eggs:
THE ducks one talent is swim
ming. 1t swims gracefully and easily
as life-preserver. Where the hen
would yell for help and drown, the
duck floats gaily off, doing nine
knots an hour by padding with its
webbed feet. The duck lays an egg
twice as large as the hens but it IS
no sort of a press-agent. and the
price of duck-eggs is never quoted.
STRAW hats in December are not
time it has been launched. 1t costs
$11 900, 900, and is the most power
full thing on earth except, perhaps, q
United States district Judge. But the
nation which has just dug down for
it can't take any pleasure in it, be-
cause the country next door has just;
completed plans for a ship which will
make this one look as foolish as .
rowboat with hoop-sKirt for a tur-
ret.
after good jourueyman hatel
has spent a few years on the job he
gets so much acid into his thoughts
that it eats large holes in his dispo-
sition, and people begin to climb hast
ilv for the other side of the street
when they see him coming Many -
man has hated himself out of job,
out of his optimism, and out of HIS
friends. while the object of his hate
has gone on gaining weight and hap
piness each year.
Hans Wagner is an old man, as
baseball players go, and has been
batting around Pittsburg for a good
many years. Sometimes he bats 400
and sometimes only 800, but he az
ways bats enough to make himself a
pest in New York, Chicago and else
where Wagneritis is a common ana
very distressing disease among pitch
ers.
Getting mad consists of cutting
out the muffier and taking the hands
off the steering mentally.
When a man gets mad he stops think
ing with his brains and turns the JOB
over to his fists and lungs. Then he
produces a mess of ideas as child
produces art with pail of red painr.
"A bank account is not a thing of
beauty, but it is a very present help
in time of trouble. A bank accoun
is an insulation between misfortune
and hunger, between no work and no
shoes, and between old ags and the
poorhouse.
"a vegetarian is a person who win
not eat his fellow animals. 1t is easy
enough to be a vegetarian if you are
a European peasant All you have
% do is to eat what you can get.
Comfort is an era Of good feeling
on the part OF the human body. II
a man has comfort no part of his
body has any complaint His neck
feels as good as his back, and his
legs feel as we'll satisfied as his di-
gestive plant lie is at peace with
! tie world and the man who tries 10
! pry him out of his armchair to make
| a speech before a political ward