New Britain herald., 1915-10-15

| "Gentlemen, when this country was 1 first settled, or shall I more truthfullv l say unsettled-by the hardy pioneers | of Europe, the Indians instinctly knew | this great fact, and tried to forestall | time by deftly and gracefully remov- | ing the top hair from every white man they met.
 By endeavoring, in their rude but l forcefu1 manner to create upon this star spangled continent, a race of | tald-headed men, the Indians did the l Lest they could to create a precedent | in favor of the highest type of man. ! And of this, the highest type of man, I may say that practically everyone of us here tonight, is particular bright and shining example.
 ''In making these remarks, how ever, I do not intend to speak slight ingly of those of our guests here who, by reason of their mental inferiority, are not eligible for membership in this august body of ntellectuals. It is true that none of these gentlemen who has any hair on top of his head was born that way but if this which was thrust upon him later in life con- tinues to remain now, we must not condemn him. There are exceptions to every rule. In my time, gentle men, I have known several men who l had hair who were fairly intelligent. These specimens are rare, I admit, but i they do exist.
 But so much of the rank vegetable grows on men during their years of immaturity that overconscientious scientists have gone to work and gathered data about it. They have gathered an amazing lot; but sooner or later in their ludicrous pursuit they have perceived the joke. Then they have begun to get rid of their own hair, and have become our leading humorists. Consider the imm ortal 1 Bill Wye.
 Nyc and the Seven Sisters.
 "Nye didn't call himself a scientist, but he was one of the first to discover the joke on people who cultivate hair His letter of mock reproach to the Seven Haired Sisters is famous. Everyone has read it; but only bald men understand the cleverly con- Cealed irony. That letter demon strates Yves greatness. Anyone can | laugh at what it says on the surface l yet all the time there is more subtle 1 significance for the exclusive delecta- ] tion of bald men. It isn't broad sar- l casm. Wye was a gentleman. It is a 1 delicate irony, very satisfactory to , you and me, who have no such ter rible affliction as that which the Seven Sisters brazenly capitalized and with l which they misled a thoughtless pub | l1c Let me read the letter itself, or 1 the most important parts of it:
 " To the Seven Haired Sisters, N. Y c. | 'Mesdames, Mamselles and Fellow | Citizens:
 {, I write to say that the fa1r promoter which you sold me is not up to It's work. It was year ago that bought it, and I think that in a year something ought to show.
 Your directions involved great care and trouble to a man in
 my position, and still I have tried
 faithfully to follow them. What is
 the result? Nothing but disappoint- l ment, and not so very much of that ! Fair, but false Seven Haired Sisters, you have lost in me a good,
 warm, true-hearted, powerful friend.
 Ask me not for my indorsement, or
 for my before-and- after taking pie lures to use in your circulars I give
 kind words and photographs hereafter
 to the soap men. They are what they
 seem. You are not.
 "'When a woman betrays me she
 must beware. When seven of them
 do so, it is that much worse. |.
 "'Here at this point our ways will
 diverge. The roads fork at this
 place. I shall go upward and onward
 hairless and cappy, also careless and
 happy, to my goal in life. (.
 The world may smile upon you, and
 gold pour into your coffers but the
 day will come when you will have to wrap the drapery of your hair about
 you and lie down to pleasant dreams Then will arise the thought, alas!- Then you'll Remember Me.
 |" I now close this letter, leaving you to the keen bangs of remOrse and the : cruel jabs of unavailing regret. Some people are born bald others acquire badness, whilst still others have badness thrust upon them with g rSint hruSh Some arc ba1 1,7 op tb<