Webster City freeman. [volume] (Webster City, Hamilton County, Iowa) 1884-1946, 1915-01-12
THE DEGENERATION
OF
WASHINGTON CIVINS
Copyright, Puck
BY WARDON ALLAN CURTIS

" Canal, while I was boss on the
La Ronda section, a muckraker by
name of Washington Givins blew in
and got to pokin' round in the cook
house and seen me and our cook, old
Bill Andrews, confa bulatin', and shad-
owed him and me on several private
expeditions, with the result that he
wrote an article, and it was a corker.
You know you can't keep men e. Cd
natured less you feed 'em we'll, and
they won't work we'll if they're cross.
And you can't do general cooking
without aigs.
You can beat up snow for a substi-
tute some, but there amt any more
snow in Panama than there is in
we'll, there amt any. There hadn't
been no aigs to speak of on the Canal
for number of months, and all the
camps was kick1n' on grub. All but
ourn. Old Bill Andrews, somehow, he
had sponge-cake, custard, f1oatin'-is-
land, lemon-pie with frostin' on it, and
all SUCH Our fellers was happier and
worked better'n any on the Ditch.
But good things don't allus last. One
day I heard a big noise at noon, and
there was all the boys crowded round
headquarters with Tom Riley as
spokesman.
"Here!" says Tom. This here low
hound of Givins has put piece In
his paper to the effect that cooking
at La Ronda is done or did with snake
aigs."
That's right. boys. No use keepin'
1t from you. He sure tracked Bill and
me while we was gatherin' 'em. Them
pancakes this mornin' that tasted like
them mother used to make was beat
up with boa-constrictor algs. That
cream puddin' last night that would
have done honor to Delmonico. or
Tiffany, or any Of them New York
artists, was made Of moccasin aigs;
while that prime angel-food. light as
a feather, was made-I won't try to
keep 1t from you-from the first batch
laid by likely pullet Of the Fer de
Lance tribe-most deadly serpent
they is. Bill and I done the best we
could for you"
I'VE know it, George" said Tom.
I'VE amt mad at you, but at Givins.
What'd he want to tell for, the mis-
cradle cuss? But he's made us dread
full uneasy. Feel queer In our innards.
He uses a lot of scientific facts that
make a Teller apprehensive. He says
races vary accordin' to food.
Says he: 'Adventurin' out Of the
time-honored dietary of the race and
eatin' the serpent. not for an occasion
al relish, as we have eaten sneils and
turtle, but for constant consumption,
In fact, buildin' the culinary economy
upon it in one OF its principal essen
tails, aigs, brings more than danger
of specialization. An aig,' he says,
Is the animal In compressed form,
the essence, the compendium Of all 1t
will develop into. Eatin' snake aigs
is. therefore, worse than eatin' snake
meat. The unfortunate force of La
Ronda, fed this long time on snake
aigs, 10 gradually assoomin' many OF
the mental and physical Characters
tics of snakes. 1t is unmistakable.
All I ask is that the Government at
Washington act"
All right" says I. In my capacity
Of justice-of-the-peace I'll sentence
Givins for two months on charge Of
defamation of character, and we'll
feed him on snake aigs exclusive. and
ind out what'll happen. II he becomes
snakeifed, that'l show he's innocent.
II not he'll be guilty Of knockin' the
Canal, and so l reckon the courts
would decide that was treason with
the penalty of death. Put him in the
calaboose, and in the meantime don't
git nervous"
changed my mind on some things
after thinking little, but put Givins
IN Jail. That night something happen
ed that made me and Bill Andrews as
happy as a pair Of bullfrogs. Next day
we begun givin' Givins his diet.
At the end Of the week Givins was
spending several hours daily dom
contortions. End Of two weeks, he'd
curl up in the corner and lie perfectly
still, eyes unblinkin'. End OF mother
week, we threw In small rabbit, and
hanged II he didn't manage to swallow
1t whole. and then he lay still for two
days.
Then fetched in an ash bough and
shook 1t at him. and he sQuirmed from
one side of the cell to tother. Spoke
for the first time in long while. Says
he:
IF you are bound to kill me by
forcin' me to touch and inhale this
plant, I shall sell my life dearly. A
bite from me would not be pleasant"
I called In Bill Andrews.
BILL" / says, did or did not
tramp steamer come to port last week
bringin' two dozen hen-birds on the
for'ard deck?"
YES" says Bill.
I'VE rowed out and bribed the
vatchman and stole EN-" says !.
Then | swore Tom Riley and Jim
Heddles, and they deposed that they
collected aigs from them hens every
day, see 'em cooked. and personally