davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1915-11-28
TALES OF ROMANCE
Some Plain Talk to a King.

II admit. kind sir. replied the peasant
that a COW Is not a bull; neither Is a
sbe9S Do f6 al al wSs yo a1d
absent from down the road, l turned the
COW out and the ram In and / supposed
you had wit enough to figure that
And you may lose your head by it,
said the King. rs there any more perilf
may encounter because Of that blasted
old sign?'
"oniy the Jackass. my dear SIR"
After the King had descended and look
ed all around, he said:
But I see no jackass."
That Is. because kind sir" answered
selves as others see usi'
That Ia your last insultr' exclaimed
the King; L am the King himself
But I am greater than a King. own
this farm and there Is no mortgage on II.
raise much more than / can eat.
have no debts. All men respect me be-
with all. have no courtiers or hypo-
critics about me and 1 do not fear as
sassins. / would not trade places with
you"
minute he said:
'.It strikes me that you know a thing
or two for a man OF your class. ] need
a new Prime Minister: How you'd you
like to take the place.
Not at all, sir. In the first place, my
salary, whatever you made II, would al
ways be in arrears; secondly, II was
truthful and honest as an official, all your
other officials would dislike me and cOr.-
spire against me: thirdly, you have be-
headed two Prime Ministers. and would
probably behead me. A living peasant Il
a heap better than a dead Prime Minis
ter. / will tell you what will do, though.
You may come this way again. and that
neither you nor any other man may De
misled by that sign, l will paint and put
up new one reading:
Beware OF the Bull"
Beware OF the Cow
Beware OF the RAM
Beware OF the Jackassp
And as you depart. kind sir, you car
have the comfort Of saying to yourself
that am the animal named, and yet one
more thing will / do to show you that
bear you no ill-will for what has occurred
this day. The guide-post over there
across the highway says II Is three miles
to your capital and one mile to Smith
vile. ! will 20 across the road and turn
the post around so that 1t will be three
miles to Smithville and only one mile to
your destination, see?'
The King saw. and as he reached home
ward he said to himself:
IF had told that peasant that I could
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1915-11-28
BOWSER,S BRIGHT IDEA
But Mrs. Bouser Rubs 1t Away with Sponge.

When Mr.TBowser came home the other
evening he had a parcel In his coat
pocket and with the natural curiosity of
a woman, Mrs. Bowser reached for it,
but he stepped back and said:
you let it alone and after dinner I will
show it to you"
ut must be something precious" she
replied.
TT is. There may be millions of dollars
in IL"
Then I hope may get a couple OF dol
lars out of IL to buy me a new corset.
After dinner. as Mr.. Bowser walked to
and fro in the sitting-room, he. looked
like a man who had something very I'M
portant to communicate, but 1t was five
minutes before he got around to say:
Mrs. Bowser. you are aware that
have had a number Of bright ideas since
some OF them turned out failures, but
have got one now that cannot fail.
have gone over and over II, but cannot
find one loophole for q failure. I never
I'VE have no place to keep a COW. II
you are thinking OF buying one," she
Cow? Cow? Who is talking about a
COW. Don't start OF with sarcasm or I'll
close my mouth"
We'll. whatever it is I shall be glad
to hear It."
Mr.. Bowser took three or four more
in his pocket for the parcel. He was very
deliberate untying the string around II.
and Mrs. Bowser began to think there
might be diamonds in it, when he cast
the wrapper aside and placed a sponge
on the stand before her. II was rather a
large sponge and a coarse one and the
cost of II might be guessed at about 10
cents.
"A spongs?" queried Mrs. Bowser. as
she tested her finger to it
Just a sponge" chuckled Mr.. Bowser.
ITS too coarse for a bath sponge"
Mr.. Bowser's face fairly beamed as he
chuckled ana sat down. and he kept her
in suspense for thirty seconds. before he
said:
my bright idea, and yet II is the founda-
ton of IL. do not blame you for not
catching on at once for the sharpest men
would be puzzled over it. That sponge.
Mrs. Bowser. Is likely TO be the founda-
ton OF a great fortune"
well, don't dodge around, but tell me
plainly about your bright idea"
II will do so, and think you will say
Mrs. Bowser. you have read and heard
of the submarines used in this war;
"Of course"
You know then that they appear close
to a ship and PUNK a torpedo into her
side. A yawning hole is the result. and
in from five 10 fifteen minutes that I'M
fortunate ship is at the bottom OF the
sea- You have also read Of ships strik
lnS anu 50
that they sunk almost Immediately. You
have also read of collisions between ships
and one or both going down as the re-
suit
Yes, I have heard OF these unfortunate
things" replied Mrs. Bowser.
Surprising I had a scheme TO save
every crippled ship in future?" was
asked. with a proper gesture to make the
words dramatic.
You can't have. Mr. Bowser"
There II lies before you
This Is only a sponge. I hope you are
not losing your good sense"
Mrs. Bowser. my scheme is as simple
as a stick OF gum and will prove so er-
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1915-11-28

room. She thinks dot der crowd vhas mad
at me und haf come in ter take my life
und leave her und der childrens at der
mercy OF der cold world. When der
crowd Was In, one mans says:
Hans. vhas You Token crazy lest
night? We vhas friends ind neighbors
una II you Vhas crazy. we shall h,!-
you to so to der bug house"
WAS shust as crazy as you und no
But you vhas our cobbler shop yes
so vhas. but it don't nav ind las,
night | changed to moving pictures
But dis yhas no moving pictures" he
shouted. DO you mean dot you Will
swlndle der public?"
NO; sir; I have moving pictures und
You shall now dem nit out cost. Look
oop dere on der wall. Dere vhas two
pictures. One vhas Washington Cross
Der Delaware Crossing Washington.
Both pictures vhas quiet now. but shall
see dem move. Behold,''
Und | picked oop der strings what
WAS TED to der picture frames and pulls
on dem and makes dem pictures move
around very lively for a long minute.
Nopody catches on for while und den
dere vhas shout of laughter. und a
dozen men cried out at once:
Bully for old Hans! He vhas Some
Joker He says he has some moving
golly. it vhas some good sSoke ~
ppody says l am a liar and a
thief. Nopody says vhas a swindIer
wants n4 to t.sq m TO s F5isSn MopodE
vhas shust der odder vhay. Dey Pat
me on der back und everybody keens
laughing: Dey go out on der streets
shoke in my shop und sooch a crowd
comes around dot two policemans hat
to come und drive 'em AWAY. But
der day und brings shoes to be fixed
oop una eatery man und womans comes
LAUGHING und smiling ind all say to me-.
yhas always sooch a old Dutchmans
dot you frooze us out Nopody ever
sees you smile or heard you laughs
sorrows und don't like HH to come come h ere
What happened to you so suddenly
"Oh, / shust read funny book"
says Dot vhas der first shoke in it
tell me der name Of IT; Will buy
o ond ne read a, 1t: toe, Go ahead und fix
ny cobbler on dis street for forty
years, but we have got one now un1
We shall keep him. Moving pictures,
II vhas shoost like you advertise"
Tn two days dot mans who give,
me der funny IDEAS comes back und
men constabies waiting"
Come in Come in," I calls out.
und laughs as I calls:
SHE vhas der boomerest kind OF a
boom" says.
Let her BOOM" he says, "und he
goes hai hal hai und slaps his leg
und he walks on und hat neafer seen
him since
IF he eater comes back I shall
meet him NIT a smile und take him
in my arms und go dancing about der
shop und together we vhill cry out:
1T vhas so funny. Hal Ha! Har'
"Und II he vhas a married mans,
fix oop his shoes. his wifes shoes und
all der childrens shoes for ten years
for nottings, und buy him some beer
besides Dot vhas mel
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1915-11-28

and lighted a lantern, and then pre-
pared a rope to hang himself and give
his bride the freedom she wanted. It
was the only way out for her. and
any old way, out or in, was good
enough for him. He was hanging by
the neck and doing some lively kick
ing when the proprietor of the sta
bles looked in to see II all was quiet
OF course he saw the hanging figure,
and had II down at once. Jim was
drawn back from the grave, as IL
were. and in a couple of days he was
throat.
You darned fooE what did you
do that for" exclaimed the stable
man when he had brought Jim back
TO earth.
TT was that my new wife might
marry a better man. was the reply.
"Humph. Don't try that game again
in my barn. / don't want IL turned
into a morgue, for dead jackasses."
Sarah heard of the attempted suicide
and sent for Jim. but he didn't re-
spond. She wanted to be free of him.
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1915-11-28

Sarah Martin married Jim Hewson be-
cause she was a hired girl and working
for s. a week. Because. again. she was
tired of work. and wanted a home. Be
cause for the third time, she had never
had an offer OF marriage before and
wanted a home. She did not know Jim
very we'll but everybody told her he was
a good fellow and an even-tempered
lin Hewson married Sarah Martin be-
cause ne also wanted a home ana pc
cause he knew that she earned - a
month That would pay the rent on a cot
tage in a village in those far-back days
AS for clothing and provisions he had
heard Old Providence was always around
helping poor folks out.
lin was lazy: he was born that way
and couldn't help it He hadn't energy
enough TO sweat shirt collar, ana mere
ing to his energy, which pay seldom ex-
ceeded Is cents a day. Had 1t not been
for the kindness of a livery stable man
barn. with an old horse blanket to cover
him. and now and then he gave him
meal besides. Jim Hewson would have
seen much harder times than he did.
The bridal tour of the newly weds con-
sisted Of walking a mile arm in arm,
each with a basket on the free arm. to
huckleberry swamp a mile away. There
they picked twelve quarts OF berries
That is, Sarah picked ten quarts and
,Jin two Then they walked back to town
and sold the berries to a grocer for 90
cents in cash.
You see." said Jim as he jingled the
money in his hand. I'VE can get along
as easy as grease This money would
buy US provisions for a week"
The bride half-laughed at the remark.
but soon felt serious and hadn't much
more to saw. Two weeks later. however.
she had. Jim had gone to see her in the
feeling glad that he was q married man
when she said:
Jim. 7 have been thinking things
iweII7., was the query.
81 have come to the conclusion that
/ Was either a lunatic or an idiot to
have married you, It's a brutal remark.
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1915-11-28

For shure. Both kinds come into my
Which kinds give you the most
work."
who laughs shust as you do. But I don't
see dot you have any shoes for me TO
But I'll bring dem der next time. 3"
he says. dis time i bring you an idea
dot may make you a thousand dollars.
II you don't get some peoples in here
you don't get some work to do. Isn't
dot der way Of it,"
lind ali you do TO get der peoples to
come In vhas to put an old boot and
shoe in der window for a sign. Dot
vhas no draw. Dot makes no excitement.
Der peoples don't talk about II. You
should have something's else"
Il try more ash twenty tings," I SAYS.
But you don't try der thing I am 60
ing to tell you Of now. II mans comes
get a cement patch on one shoe. but II
a mans comes in here nit Joy in his
heart and feeling mighty funny he Will
say to you dot you may go at IL und he
on der bottoms. lifts on der heels cement
patches all over them. It vhas der mans
dot feels good dot makes der peesness
Of the world go round und round"
ask him what dot idea vhas und he says:
Hans, you must go into der moving
pictures"
by goIly. but might as vhsu go into
Don't get excited, old mans, II vhas
der easiest ting in der worlds as I shall
show you. All der capital you need is
one cent and mebbe you don't have to
use dot. In der first place, you take
dow. in der next you put oop sign
Of: Moving Pictures. Admission Free
to All. Come In"
But how can 1 be free picture lure
dollars in my pocket It would ruin me in
Dot mans he-Iaughs and chuckles and
sIaps his leg und wipes der tears from his
eyes und by und by he sobers oop und
Hans. il vhas der shoke Of der last
hundred years. l don't know how l
thought Of It for I am not smart
make you laugh. 1t Will make all peo-
Piles laugh. und der moneys for repairs
shall come rolling in"
Well, dot mans und me we speak
together for ten minutes und den I vhas
ia1ghin nit him My wife looks in
from der back room und saws: mai,
Hans, you better look out little.
Der mans who laughs today shall weep
Your husband shall laugh every day
in der week" says der stranger.
."yheIl, der next morning When der peo-
pies begin TO so Dy oey WAS aStonisneu-
All der front of my cobbler shop has
signs like der mans told me to make. 1
guess I haf twenty, und I hear der peo-
pies say to each odder:
yhas a cobbler shop; today It vhas some
moving pictures. Has old Hans gone
crazy? He can't run some moving pic
lures. He don't know enough to run a
dog out of his shop. BY golly. we must
look into dis thing. He vhas going to
show. all day und all night, too"
81 keeps still until I eat my breakfasts.
Den I throw der doors open und vhas
all ready for der fifty peoples who likes
to come in. Sooch a crowd fills my shop
und dey healRny wife crying In der back
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1915-11-28

Mr. Casey" / said. as I found him
on his beat the other night, there was
n great mystery in this town about fif-
teen years ago. and 1t is said that you
solved IL, after many officers had tried
and failed. It was called 'Side-Whisker
Mystery Won't you please relate the
particulars
so you have dug up that old thing"
laughed Mr.. Casey. Yes. II was
great mystery for time. and. though l
solved il, L take little credit to myself.
1t was a gust Of wind more than a cute
ness of mind which brought about the
end. I'd have you know, sir, that Officer
Casey never claims any credit that be-
longs to another. You watch lor the
-Oundsman while take a few sly puffs
At this cigarette. and then 1 will tell You
the story"
When Mr.. Casey had tuned himself
up he started out with:
THE chief of detectives had just re-
ported to the commissioner that the city
sudden jolt. Two houses occupied by
aristocrats were entered and plundered
of more than $500 worth OF things that
could easily be carried on. Both were
burglarized the same night and by the
same man. In one case he had entered
by the front door and in the other by a
chloroform. but none of the inmates had
awakened. He had moved through each
house like a ghost, and like ghost had
departed. There was not finger print,
left behind
''As one of the houses robbed was
owned and occupied by the mayors
brother-in-law, there was a stir at once.
He sent word over to the commissioner
that the burglar must be in limbo within
tWenty-four hours or something would be
heard to drop. There were no less than
twelve detectives put on the case at once
and they were told that IL the burglar
was not arrested they should go back to
pounding beats in patrolman's uniform.
They did their best. but their best re-
suited in failure. They secured the city
and made a dozen arrests, but they did
not get the right man. At the end of
week they were no nearer success than
on the first day. Their theory was that
a burglar had dropped in here from
some outside city and done his work and
vanished.
when the case was ten days old. two
more such burglars were committed evil
IDENTITY by the same man. This time he
made a haul OF 5000 At one of the
houses two people had seen him moving
about in the dim gaslight. but he was
gone a moment after. They gave the
first clue 10 the fellows identity. He
was described as a man of medium height
and build, pale-face and wearing blonde
side-whiskers. That was not much of a
clue you will say I could have found
you five hundred men in a days walk
who would fit the description. He had
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1915-11-28

cargo can be slowed on top of that As
the water PUSHES in, at the hole that has
been made, the sponges absorb II and
the danger OF laundering is thus avoided.
1t Is one of tine simplest schemes In the
world and IL is wonder that II was not
in use 100 years ago. Now. then, ind
fault with 1t IL you CAM
It was like all others Of Mr.. Bowser's
sehemss,ali moonshine and after a ses-
Let Us figure a little"
"Of what use to fgure?" replied Mr..
Bowser, as a frown came to his face.
An schemes have to be figured on. Our
druggist once told me that the coarsest
of sponges cost about a dollar pound
at wholesale. You propose to put in nifty
tons into the hold of a ship. What will
be the cost OF such a cargo? 1t Will be
$4,000, according to my figures
Mr.. Bowser's face turned red and his
jaw fell but he let her go on.
How much water will fifty tons OF dry
sponges absorb. / cannot give YOU the
figures exactly. but it must be thousands
her cargo was lead"
Hold on-hold on. right there" ex.
claimed Mr.. Bowser. L told you that
the sponges were there to absorb the
But the water is in the ship, isn't it7''
asked Mrs. Bowser. What difference
does II make whether the water Is in the
sponges or sloshing about loose. so to
will be the weight that will sink her. You
must see the point"
IT don't see anything of the kind" was
shouted. IT have told you twice over
that the sponges would take up the water
as fast as Il came in"
80 YOU have, my dear, but II will make
no difference where that water Is II II Is
in the hold. Fifty tons of wet sponges
would at least be equal to thirty or forty
tons of iron. Can't you see that, Mr..
Bowser?"
'I can see that you want to discourage
me as you always Co." he muttered. i
have dropped upon p good thing-a great
thing-the greatest thing I ever run up
against. and you are trying to knock II
TO pieces. II l had married the right
woman
But you didn't Mr.. Bowser. You mar
ried the woman who won't let you make
a donkey of yourself IL she can help It
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1915-11-28

will keep the fluid from rushing in. Come
to think OF II, perhaps that is the best
scheme OF the two"
Mrs. Bowser smiled and appeared to be
Bowser was growing impatient, when she
said:
"Do you think you could find a ship
owner who would go 10 the expense OF
time. the sponges would rot and be
worthless and the cork would mildew
and decay"
He'd be a queer man to let his ship
go to the bottom when she might be
saved" sulkily replied the man with the
great idea
But have shown you that the
sponge would only help to sink her and
in hor rde the slabs would surely float
out a. well as portions of the other
cargo. You must see that for yourself.
Mr.. Bowser II I have not made II plain
to you, then consult some man whose
common sense you can trust. Men have
got rich through schemes. but they have
been practical schemes. You must have
common sense as the basis
That Is to say that lack common
ut is 10 say that your schemes are
visionary and impracticable. You get
thought and jump instead Of taking time
to think IL well over. II isn't late yet
and let's go to the moving pictures for
an hour"
I'VE might see a picture of ship load
ed with sponges or cork going down like
a lump of lead" was the reply, as Mr..
Bowser walked down the hall and left
the house.
He was full OF chagrin and vexation
and he wanted to work il of. He there
fore walked over to the family butcher
and opened the door and shouted:
Jones. you are a liar and a swindler!
Your meat is tougher than an old rhin-
oceros. and there Is more bone than
meat. Blast your eyes. / will never
trade a cents worth with you again and
I'll send you to States prison II I cam"
Saying which, Mr.. Bowser Immediately
felt better. and after hitting q stray dog
a blow with his cane he walked back
home and sat down and lighted his first
cigar and remarked to Mrs. Bowser that
all signs indicated a mild winter
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1915-11-28

You jump to conclusions, instead of stop
ping to figure q little. Why, man, you
are thinking of sinking the crippled ship
instead Of saving her. The scheme must
be to keep the water out altogether. 1t
and carries her down"
Mr.. Bowser sat In silence for a time
and grttted his teeth now and then and
by and by he spoke.
81 still believe in the plan of the
sponges. but how would II do to put In
fifty tons Of cork slabs7 Cork will not
absorb water to any extent. therefore, Il
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1915-11-28

The ships sink because the water rushes
In. don't they?
'of course. Well. In my scheme the
water rushing In makes no difference.
II will be taken up as fast az Il rushes In.
The ship may be crippled somewhat. but
she won't sink and no lives will be lost.
How much water Will this sponge abb
sorb?''
II should say half a pint, at least"
Now, then, to keep you in suspense no
longer. here Is the idea. I put in the
hold fifty tons OF dry sponges and her
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1915-11-28
Der German Cobbler
He Goe. Into Moving Picture,

One day a man comes into my shop
dot vhas different from most any mans.
He vhas smiling and laughing. He
chuckles in his throat. He strikes his
hand nit de odder fist. 1t vhas sure
dot he has some good shoke.
'Vhas something's der matter init
you?' I asks
Der vhas, old man." he replied.
did It throw der street car of the
track when she bumps into your"
Better nor dot, Hans, have got der
best shoixe ever born In dis State and
YOU shall make some moneys by it."
"He laughs Or about three minutes.
while ! look at him and wonder IL he
goes crazy. Den he says:
Hans. did you ever see a sorrowful
.of course have"
did you ever see a hu.norist man7'
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1915-11-28

make the moon turn back hand-springs
he would have replied that II was ] who
turned the handspring while the noon
looked on and grinned. 1 am King OF
Burgia- to be sure. but a peasant may
rule after me-"
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1915-05-03
LOCAL PEOPLE ARE BUSY WITH
PLANS FOR TRIP TO UMATILLA
SHEEP LOSSES IN COUNTY
WILL Be SEVERAL THOUSAND
SOME REPORTS EXAGGERATED
STANFIEIID WILL LOSE
ABOUT 1909.

Further facts received here today
regarding sheep losses in the Echo
Stanfield section show that the losses
while heavy are not as serious az In
dieated by some exaggerated reports
In circulation.
Mrs. r. n. Stanfield has word from
Mr.. stanfield to the effect the Stan
field loss win total 1900. OF the sheep
lost. 700 we're old ewes and 1900
yearlings. The stanfield sheep in
Idaho and at Huntington did not suf-
fer.
Frank Sloan OF Stanfield. is here
today and says that his loss was $50
all ewes. Mr.. Sloan says the James
Hoskins loss vas not over 400 head
that Joe Cunha lost about 1000 sheep
and VIII Pedro not over 400. The
firm of johnson & Pearson also lost
some sheep bat how many is not re-
ported.
The damage all occurred in the
Stanfield- Echo region and most OF
the losses occurred within a few hours
time. The weather was very cold
and rainy and the newly shorn sheer
were unable TO stand the experience.
Smythe Bros. had no losses at Ar.
lington nor did the sheepmen CLOSET
to the mountains have any losses tG
speak Of.