davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13
Unfair Adyantaoe.

Don't you ever let me catch you kissing my daughter again, sir" thun- dered the irate father.
 You won't sir" answered the quak- ing youth. You wouldn't have caught me this time if you hadn't been wear ing rubber heels'
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13
Tribute.

Give me a boy of those expensive cigars"
 These are very fine" said the to- oacconist.
 "An right. I'll give those to the janitor. Now let me have some cheap ones to smoke myself"
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13
There's Room at the Top

He entered the barber shop. sat him self down. resigned to his fate.
 The. barber shaved him.
 Shampoo, sir?" asked the tonsor- iaiist.
 No replied the man, gazing at his bald dome in the reflective mirror: shine. Philadelphia Ledger.
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13
Everybody Satisfied.

Said Helm nothing if not orig inal. like to be different from other people.
 Said She-Well. that's a good idea and doubtless other people are more than satisfied 10 have it that way.
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13
4 Procf Of IL

T hear the Smiths are people of the greatest integrity"
 Sure. Why. they wouldn't even have anything else in their house but an upright piano"
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13
Gentle Hint.

Tramp-Td like to borry a medical almanac, ma am.
 Housekeeper-What for?
 Tramp wants ter see vot tb' doc tors recommend for an empty feelin In tn stummick.
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13
4 castronornIe Suggestion.

If those lines are printed from that address. will make the author eat his words"
 Then it would be a good idea to make them 'pi' lines"
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13
Merely . Hint.

There's nothing like the gift of eab.
 So talk 10 the point when you can. Heed, however, this bit of advice
 Talk. but don't get gay. young man.
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13
Food SuCpIy.

ReGd-DCn't you think automobiles are useful in times of war? Greene-Not as useful as horses" Why not?"
 Cause you can eat horses"
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13

The attention attracted by those who seek attention usually is uncom- plimentary.
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13
Current StXles

Just because a girl wears a halo hat is no sign that she's an angel"
 Certainly not And just because she wears harem veil is no sign that she's a Turk, either"
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13
Walking Advertisement.

What do you do during the winter months?"
 "Oh, I'm well fixed said the famous baseball player. I've get job smok- ing Fl PUnko cigarettes.
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13
His Wish.

Don't you wish you had sense enough to make a million"
 No. I wish had sense enough to make a quarter Of a million and stop with that and enjoy 1t"
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13
feeiin0 Cheap.

Bacon-My boy was out fishing yes terday. and he caught a skate with only bent pin and a worm.
 Egbert-That fish, I'll bet, felt like a cheap skate" all right.
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13
Faded ReeoIiections,

A fight is something 10 regret.
 IL leaves mankind downheaTted: Before it's ended they forget
 Just how and why it started.
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13
Twas Ever Thus.

Have you been operating, in the stock market of late?'
 No. I've been operated upon. - Judge.
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13
The Real Thina.

Tiny Toddles-What is heroine. nav?
 Maw-A heroine my dear, is any woman that is married
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13

Ii you wish beautiful, clear white clothes. use Red Gross Bag Blue. 4, all good grocers. Adv.
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13
A Warnino.

Doctor-You've had terrible shock
 Patient-lt's up to you 10 see that I don't have another when l get your bill
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13
His Place.

''Is young Jaggs going. under as fast as they say?"
 'l guess so. He is generally either under his automobile or under a .loud
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13
Cultivatino Ressons.

That man certainly does cultivate country acquaintances."
 He has good reasons He sells blows"
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13
Accounted For.

Why are these people continually sending petitions for redress Of some grievance" T suppose they think it is good way to write their wrongs
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13

placed anyvhsre. se tracts anA hills ell flies. NeAt. elem. or namental, convenispe cheap. Lseto ell
 O0eson. hadsef
 metal, ean'tspilio or siI over, win not soti - 1 nJurs anything. Guaranteed effective
 Ati dealers orsseni
 srpress paid Tor ei-0 Ave. Dreakiyn. N- '
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13

YOUR OWN DRUGGIST WILL TELL YOU Try Anrine Eye Remedy for Red. Veal. wstery just Hye comfort Write for book of the Eve by man Free. Murine Eye Remedy Co. ChlcAxa
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13

visitor-Weil, it's an i'll wind that blows nobody good.
 Farmer-That's right. The last cy clone blew my house away before my motherin-law could get out of it.
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13
6rcrocriste I'll.

That athlete has troubles to match"
 What do you mean" Says he has a jumping toothache." :"
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13

Red Cross Bag Blue makes the laundre.s happy, makes clothes winter than snow. All good groeers. Adv.
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13

Opposite Cause and Effect "l have such a poor appetite. doc tor"
 That's too much rich food
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13

An entertaining woman is one who permits a man to talk about himself
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13

It is easier to call a man a liar than 1t Is to prove it
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13

Aeronaut-I expect to take a few books with me, as the trip Is likely to be long one.
 Reporter-They1l be useful for bal last, too, l presume.
 Aeronaut-Not in the least. shall take nothing but light fiction.
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13
MRS. LYONS
 ACHESAND PAINS
Have All Gone Since Taking Lydia E. Pinkham's Veg
 etable Compound.

Terre Hill, Pa" Kindly permit me to give you my testimonial in favor of
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13

Orville Stayer-Well. I must think about going.
 Vera Weereigh-Oh, please don't think of it,
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13
SubtIeties of Expression.

The Making of Books. Knicker Has Smith writer's cramp? Bocker-No, readers cramp.
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13
Swift heredity,

have the blood of many fighting men running in my veins"
 Yes, and bet it runs all the faster when it smells powder"
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13
PANAMA HATS

R>pd us your hats to be bleached and blocked We use TO acid All uort is guaranteed Price for Ladies Mems HAts- q. .A We pay return charges
 pGxvER HAT vACIeRI, iB9s Trv.sss st. pESvEk COLO.
Tombstone epitaph., 1915-06-13

wN U.. DENVER, NO. 2s-tsis.
Saturday news. (Watertown, S.D.) 19??-19??, 1915-12-09
Compulsory Examinations

(GsaAa RApids uoWas Republican,
M New. York city the health de.
phstsa1at ia demanding that leach
spuS& ~ the tine Of his or her ad.
unfstdM to 4 pEhiic school, or free
sckeSl saeSorted In whole or in part
Sbg fAndR eAtnined from direct tax.
atisnyYs shall be examined 1in the alb,
sensA OF Ill dothins' hY a duly
sicanea1 Ykysicfan authorized to prac-
tIgar asediciae Ia the state OF New
~ fsk. I
We Must csnfess that we do not
like mis- ssrt a. kusiAess. II is not
exactly compatible with our ideas OF
ffree4NAz. We are foolish enough to
,praeNlaae that most parents In Amer
iicn IRE still wise enough and good
enS<nh aH pArests to lock after the
WeI1sre Of their oun chiIdren. Most
paTent5 have about as muck sense as
mast aecters. OF course, we must
admA that there are many parents
who are mel Sniy ignorant. but who
lack The Instincts OF parenthood. That
there May be some neglected chill
Edrea should not subject all alike to
sAhs attentions OF 4 public Inspector
OF a63ldren'A koAiea.
In Newark. Nc u, the mothers Of
thisk Hehoel girls have assumed a hos
tile attitude toward the compulsory
sters, and We do not blame them.
IT, SNeht to start 4 riot. Every
II tie la no either professionally or
~1asnaGay ft 10 "trip another man's
ID aeRtsr. even to the waist, as the
Ax<H S~-Ws ..r4 t.m .NstiN ~ ~ gyI =
Saturday news. (Watertown, S.D.) 19??-19??, 1915-12-09
HORSE KICKS AUTO
OF CHICAGO THRONE

Chicago, Il.-Chicago today is the
greatest horse market in the world,
More than 100000 horses have
been sold for $12,0 00, 900 through the
local market in the last six months.
The European wars demand for ar
tillery and cavalry mounts is respon
sible for this return Of King Horse to
the throne from which the automobile
spilled him.
Demands from Mexico have added
not q little to the business in horses
here.
During the week ending November
8, 5000 horses were sold. In the
same period two years ago s29 horses
were sold.
The horses bring $3.50 to $24o a
head; $3.50 being paid for artillery
horses Draft horses sell for from
5000 to $500 a head.
Saturday news. (Watertown, S.D.) 19??-19??, 1915-12-09
THRILLERs FOR THE BOYS
NOT ALL THAT'S DESIRED

Two Rapid City "boy bandits" have
landed in the South Dakota state
3~penitentiary. Some way, that Is the
place "boy bandits" usually wind up.
Being a bandit" Is not a paying prop
osition, from any point OF view, any
more. The boy who longs for excite
ment can find 1t in a whole lot of
decenter ways than by turning ban
dit; ways that do not lead to states
prison or the reform school. The lad
who deplores the fact that he can no
longer go west to fight the Indians.
and therefore turns bandit in order
to crafty his longings for thrills is
making a mistake. For one thing, the
thrill has pretty well departed from
the bandit business in these days. For.
another, the lad who is longing for
thrills can get them by taking up the
aviator business, or becoming an
automobile racer, or a movie actor in
wild west scenes where he causes his
steed to leap from q mountain into
a roaring stream a thousand feet or
so below.
Or, IL these avenues are closed, for
one reason or another, there are.
thrills in newspaper work, in beating
the more or less esteemed contenls
porary to a juicy bit OF news; or on
the road" in getting a nice order
from a merchant when you know the
salesman from d rival house is after
that same order; or In doing the
work connected with your particular
job SO well that the 'oss's conscience
Just naturally won't let him alone.
until he has given you the raise you've
been working for.
There are a lot OF ways to find
thrills in this seemingly sober old,
United States OF America, without be-
ways In which the thrills are accom-
panied BY safety. and which bring no
sorrow to relatives or friendss-Ab-
erdeen News.
Saturday news. (Watertown, S.D.) 19??-19??, 1915-12-09

William Jennings Bryan, in The
.~Commoner, sounds the following note
of warning to democrats:
THE elections of 1915 ought to
serve as a warning to the democratic
party. They indicate that the pro-
gressives have returned to the reg
ular republican party and that the
democrats can no longer hope to win
by division in the ranks Of the op-
position. Neither can the democrats
afford to daily with vital issues. In
Massachusetts our candidate for gov
ernor, an able nan with a splendid
official record was defeated. The
democrats Of that state endorsed pre-
paredness. II 1t did not defeat them,
it at least failed to save them. AS a
matter Of party policy, it is seldom, if
ever, wise to attempt to gain votes
by appropriating the policies Of the
opposition. When the republicans
democrats it split their party and
gave success to the democrats. 1t
will not pay democrats to borrow pre-
paredness from the republicans. If
the country wants the frenzied pre-
~paredness that is now being advocat-
ed by militarists and jingoes the re-
publican party will be entrusted with
the carrying out Of the policy, be-
cause the republican party likes to
pile up taxes and spend money. The
democratic party can not hope to bid
against the republicans for the vote
Of the jingoese.
I'm Kentucky the democrats were
unfortunate in taking the side of the
liquor interests against prohibition.
Their candidate, Congressman Stan
ley, made an admirable record in con
gress, and is a great campaigner, but
ne was badly handicapped by the
position taken by the party. The
democratic party can not afford to tie
itself up with the liquor interests on
any phase of the question. Alcohol
will prove a milestone to any party
that tries to carry it.
while the elections contain a
warning, there is no reason why a
democrat should be discouraged. II
the party will take up the reform
work where it was left at the end of
the last congress, adopt cloture, pro-
coed to carry out the platform and
Saturday news. (Watertown, S.D.) 19??-19??, 1915-12-09
LOST BELIEFS.

One after one they LEFT us;
The sweet birds of our breasts
Went flying away in the morning;
VIII they come again to their nestn?
Will they come again at nightfall,
With Gods breath In their song?
Noon is fierce with the heats Of sum
mer
And the summe days are long.
20 my life, with thy upward fittings,
Thy downward striking roots,
Ripening out or thy tender blossoms
But hard and bitter fruits.
In thy houghs there is no shelter
For the birds to seek again.
The desolate nest Is broken
And torn with storms and rain,
William Dean Howells.
0HEA
Saturday news. (Watertown, S.D.) 19??-19??, 1915-12-09
BRYAN Warns Democrats

add to it's excellent record on eco
nomic questions, it has no reason to
fear the campaign OF 1916, but this
is no time to try experiments or to
exchange the substantial support Of
the democratic masses for the fiat
terry Of the metropolitan press.
There is an essential difference be.
tween the democratic party and the
republican party, and it is never safe
ITO overlook the difference. If the
democratic party triumphs it must
triumph on it's merits and by strict
adherence to the interests of the
people,"
Saturday news. (Watertown, S.D.) 19??-19??, 1915-12-09

not want any doctors at all, eithar for
ourselves or for our children. And we
have the knowledge that all medical
knowledge up to date is more or less
experimental and speculative. The
science OF medicine is not yet an alb
aolute science. The findings of doc.
tors are at variance. One finds this,
and another that, and it is seldom
that any two are agreed. The
chances, therefore, are that neither
one may be correct, and to have COM
pnlsory inspectors and then compul-
sorry treatments-for unless the find
ings Of the inspectors are needed the
children cannot be returned to the
schools--is not only u~nscientiic but
1t Is outrageous.
Saturday news. (Watertown, S.D.) 19??-19??, 1915-12-09
Why YOU SHOULD Use CHAM
SERVANTS cauaH REMEDY.

taisori Won hy lis good works
Because 1t ID most esteemed BY
those who have used II Tor many
years, i occasion required, and are
best. acquainted With its good quail
ties.
Because Il loosens and relieves .
cold md aids nature IA restoring the
systeln III healthy condition,
Beeouse does notcontaiia opium
q ii other narcotic.
Becanseit ig within the reach Of
sAl II only costs i quarter Obtain
able everyWhere adv 2S-29
Saturday news. (Watertown, S.D.) 19??-19??, 1915-12-09
AUTO BURNED.
Caught Fire as It Stood by 4 stack
of Hay,

Of Hay,
Tuesday, Mr.. and Mrs. Ed Block
of the Commercial Hotel, went out Il
their Overland auto to Hedtke's pass
to hunt cotton tails. They stopped the
a near a haystack to keep 1t cut sc
the wind, and then. went into tie
woods after rabbits.
They hadn't been in the woods but
a few minutes when Mrs. Block called
her husbands attention to a smoks
arising in the direction of the ear.
Ed sprinted for the car but when he
arrived there the car and the haysrack
were a mass OF flames. The a
could not be moved as the brakes
we're set and the flames prevented
anyone coming near the brake lever.
Soon after the tank exploded, seudinx
flames up to about fifteen feet in the
air.
The fire spread to six or sever
neighboring stacks of hay, which were
entirely consumed. 1t spread 10 far.
as the hunting camp before it was
overcome by Mr.. Block and others
who hurried there when the blaza
was seen.
Mr.. Block cannot account Ter the
unfortunate accident, except that pos
sibly when he accelerated his engine
after stopping, to blow out the ear
buretor, flames from the exhaust pin>
might have caught the grass and Is
capped his notice.
The a was partly insured, but IL
will be quite a loss neverthelees.-
Webster World.
Saturday news. (Watertown, S.D.) 19??-19??, 1915-12-09
OWES HER GOOD HEALTH TO
cHAMBERLAIN,s TABLETS.

! owe my good health to Chamber
lain's Tablets" writes Mrs. r. G.
Neff, Crookston, Ohio. Two years
ago I was an invalid due to stom-
ach trouble. / took three bottles OF
these Tablets and have since been in
the best Of health" Obtainable ey-
erywkhere. adv. 1928
Saturday news. (Watertown, S.D.) 19??-19??, 1915-12-09
SCHOOL WINS $50, 900.
South Dakota Wesleyan Complies
With RockefeIIer Reduirerenfc

oouIH OHKOtd wesleyan OUmPTeS
With Rockefeller Requirements
Mitchell, s. D.-By midnight Nov
ember 80 the last cent was collected
which entitled Dakota Wesleyan uni
versity to claim the $4,000 gift from
the Rockefeller Educational Founda-
ton which was given on condition
that by December, 1915, the school
would have 100000 invested in
buildings free from debt; 100000 in
productive endowment and the school
free from debt on running expenses.
This marks a mile stone in the de-
velopment Of the institution and in.
sures a rapid and substantial devel.
opment.
Saturday news. (Watertown, S.D.) 19??-19??, 1915-12-09
Made a Difference.

A Michigan farmer vas the owner
of a good Attorney Cow. A stranger
having admired the animal, asked
the farmer: What will you take
for your cow"
The farmer scratched his head for
a moment, and then said: "Look-a
here, be you the tax 9 or has
she been killed by the railroad?"
Saturday news. (Watertown, S.D.) 19??-19??, 1915-12-09
UNCLE SANS HARVEST
FESTIVAL OF PRODUCTION
Would Rather Work.

Why don't yoa quit work and 60
fishing z
Y tried that once, repiied Mra
Restagin. aIf getting up II S O'clock
In the morning and travelling out to q
fishing place and falling into boat
and maybe out of ii. and sitting IN
suspense by the hour In order to land
a tHo-ounce fish are what you call
rest and recreation. give me the
work.
Saturday news. (Watertown, S.D.) 19??-19??, 1915-12-09
SET SOME LAND.

Since the Lord ceased making soil
Six thousand years Of sweat and toll
Have passed away; but don't forget
That He is making people, yet!
Then wise the man who has the sand
To put his savings in Dakota land.
-Claremont New Era.
The Laurens advertiser. (Laurens, S.C.) 1885-1973, 1915-02-03
LAURENS POSTMASTERS.
List Of Those in Charge OF the Local
Office During It's Entire Existence.

In view of the limclight recently
thrown on the local postoGlcc, the
Following list OF postmastors will be
interesting. There is given the name
and term Of every postmaster from
,S5, the date Of it's establishment, to
the present time. The records show
tliat up until May ith 1893 the name
OF this Office was Laurcns Court House
and on that date its name was
changed to its present official name,
l'aurens.
The Advertiser was enabled to OBJ
tain this list through tic kindness Of
INC present postmaster, Nh {. II.
ticks 1T follows:
LOWS Saxon, oct, 1893 to Oct, l79G
''ohn Cochran, Oct. 1876 to July 1891
"ohh f. Woli, July 1877 to Apr 1888
fIlhu Cresweil, APR 1879 Il July l7o9
nehemiah franks, July 1893 to July
1890
James Sllls' July 1900 to Dec. 1902
'ohh harrington, Dec. lSO2 to Mar. 1922
John Dunlap, Mar. lS22 to May 1923
'Smcs watts, May lS23 to Mar. 1924
> Is. Levers Mar. 1921 to Apr 1928
The Laurens advertiser. (Laurens, S.C.) 1885-1973, 1915-02-03
MANNING Will SIGN
ACREAGE REPEAL BILL
States Position Definitely That Farm.
crs Nay Know How to Arrange
('rnnS

"'''
'"'i"'"' '"'' 'o'-Mr. Manning
''''''' ""N' NSNeo Whetner or
""''" S't'" '"e "Nfoa2c fcd@c-
~ -, "n''i ''"S PASSED Do'h nous
81 fH77o"'"iH'
"''' SO tl'e Oiil fepealln&
N.'S7c 'e'"''ioh' ilaN" ms
- o'"c' t"'' our lafhiofS
"''"' 70 expect
"''H :" P'''h 'helr cfoDS
~, '.'o'' 81 "'''''Sci'lch'' 'or the
'>,'0'' ~ ~ 's'7i'''ore
~, !" enforce q
''0 ~ " 'SloA was MAGE
NM = ''''' !. M""io seem
" '''o 9"'''li farmers TO
'''' ~ 'rS"i en-
"'1' "'"'c III tho
Z" IT, M"-
cas,... ~ '',',' 'o''"'''o'' III 0o0la
'"Sc WI pe an-
~ ~ "e"'! loSS'
so"' ''"P 'ho
-, '.'''I'' - "",'"'SS 'cS"l'in&
''"SI 'iaI inc lesson
The Laurens advertiser. (Laurens, S.C.) 1885-1973, 1915-02-03
GREAT CHESS PLAYER.
Son OF CongrcSSmpa Johnson Proves q
Marrci at tho Game.

son OF CongrcsSmpa Johnson Proves q
Marrci ut the Game.
Washington, Feb. Chess plavers
IN Washington are much Interested in
the remarkable ability demonstrated
by Ben Johnson, the S-year-old son OF
Representative Joseph Il. Johnson. of
the 18th South Carolina district.
a recent issue of the Washington
Post contained a photograph of the
prospective Morphy seated at the chess
table and the following comment.
headed Infant Chess Prodigy Rou,s
Post Experts" appeared in cxplana-
ton Of the picture:
Master Benjamin o. Johnson, s
years OF age and a. true chess marvc,
visited the Post Yesterday morning
and cleaned up the talent there. A.
ter getting the scalps of Mcssrs De
Iapp, Kelly and NIosby, he played a
draw game with his father, ReDrcson
tativc Johnson, of South Carolina, who
- u pIi! VI VI ilOlc. DcSDltr nlS
tremc youth. young johnson is far
above the average chess player of ma
turc years, and can hold his own with
many of the grown-up experts OF the
local chess clubs"
Representative Johnson a few days
ago suffered tho surprise of finding
himself checimated in eight moves bv
bis ingenious offspring. 1t was what
IS known in chess circles as a smoth-
cred mate, whore the King was en-
barrasscd by the proximity Of his own
men.
Mr.. Johnson is restraining the ardor
o; the youthful Ben, and docs not per-
nit him TO visit the Washington Chess
Cub moro than once week or 10
play too many games elsewhere. Tho
child Is quito a natural and happv
boy, with no signs of any i'll effect due
10 analysis Of problems which bar-
f'c his elders.
The Laurens advertiser. (Laurens, S.C.) 1885-1973, 1915-02-03
SitGrcayes.Dial.

y telegram was scceivcd in the city
Monday morning from Bristol, Va, an
nouncing the marriage at the homo Of
the bride there OF Mr.. Albert Dial, of
this city, and Miss Lucy Sitgrcavcs.
They will spend their honeymoon visit
ing several cities and Will coem to
'Iaurens the latter part Of this week.
Mr.. Dial is secretary and treasurer of
the Laurens Glass Works and one Of
the most progressive young business
men of the city. His bride has visited
relatives here on different occasions
and Is an attractive and accomplished
young lady. She Is ncice Of Br. Ed
ward Sitgrcaves and Mrs. w. II. Mar
tin.
The Laurens advertiser. (Laurens, S.C.) 1885-1973, 1915-02-03
Cotton Ginning Report.

According to the report issued by
'hc director Of the census 36,S7G bales
Of cotton were ginncd in Laurcns
county prior to January 10th. Up to
tho same time last year 1929 bales
lad been ginneG In the entire state
l,42i,950 bales had been g!nned to
the same time this year against $685.
ia. The Piedmont counties as gem
cral rule show falling off from last
year while in the rest of the state
thore Is a varying Increase
The Laurens advertiser. (Laurens, S.C.) 1885-1973, 1915-02-03
Sullivan Begins Sentence

Joseph G. Sullivan, the young Sulli-
van township farmer convicted at the
last term OF court OF manslaughter for
tie killing OF CO... John NJ. Cannon has
abandoned his appeal for now trial
and some days ago entered the pcni-
tcntiary to begin serving his sentence.
1t will be remembered that he was Civ
Ell a sentence OF six years scrvitudc.
ly good behavior he will secure re-
dnction Of six months from the six
years.