davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1915-02-28
ABAFT THE FUNNEL
udyard Kipling
FOUKlH Or A SERIES OF LITTLE KNOWN STORIES BY THE
FAMOUS AUTHOR APPEARING N"THE SUN" files in stree ns~ hen

were four files in the street just then.
The policeman spoke to them. and
they caught up their big sword bay
onets, nearly as long as themselves,
and waddled after him.
I followed them. but first ! bought
some sweets and gave one to a child.
That was enough. Long before /
had reached the hotel I had a tail of
fifty babies. These / seduced into the
long passage hat ran through the
house, and then I slid the grating
that to the big hall door.
That house was full-pit, boxes and
galleries-for Grifiiths had created an
audience of his own, and I also had
not been idle.
The four files of soldiers and the
five policemen were marking time on
the boards of Griffiths's O while
the landlord and the landlords wife.
and the two scullions, and the bath
girl, and the cook boy. and the boy
who spoke English. and the boy who
didn't. and the boy who tried to, and
the cook. filled all the space that
wasn't devoted to babies asking the
foreigner for more sweets.
~ III III u VI llc
mess was Griffiths and a yellow hide
bag. I don't think he had looked up
once since I left. for as he raised
his eyes at my voice I heard him
cry: Good heavens, are they going
to train the guns of the city on me?
What's the meaning of the regiment?
I'm a British subject"
What are you looking for?" I
asked.
The passports-your passports
the double dyed passports, Oh, give
a nan room to use his arms. Get
me a Ratchet"
THE passports, the passports" l
said. Have you looked in your great
coat? It's on the bed, and there's
a blue envelope in 1t that looks like
a passport. You put it there before
you left Kyoto."
Griffiths looked. The landlord looked.
The landlord took the passport and
bowed. The five policemen bowed and
went out n by one: the Ninth N.
I. formed fours and went out. the
household bowed. and there was a
long silence. Then the bath girl be-
gan to giggle.
When Gritiiths wanted to speak to
me | was on the other side Of the regi-
ment of children in the passage and
he had time to reflect before he could
work his way through them.
They formed his guard of honor
when he took the bag to the lock-
smith.
/ abode on the mountains Of Otsu
till dinner time.
The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1915-02-28
TIGLATH PIL.ESER $4,000.

"HANk heaven he is dead The
municipality sent a cart II
a mar only this morning and.
AL the servants aiding with
ropes sand tackle, the carcass of Tig-
lath was borne away-a wabhlinS
lump. His head was thrust over the
tallboard of the cart. Upon il IA
stamped an expression of horror and
surprise. unutterable and grotesque.
| have put away my rifle, | have
Cheered my heart with wine and |
sit down now to write the story OF
Tiglath, the Utter Brute. His own
kind, alas will not read II. and thus
it will be shorn of instruction; but
owners will kindly take notice and
when It pleases heaven to infilct them
with such an animal as Tigllth they
will know what to do.
To begin with, I bought him, his
vices thick as his barsati, for 10
rupees, a five chambered. muzzlc
loading revolver and a Cawnpore sad
die.
"Of course, for that price" said
Staveley. you can't expect every
thing. He's not what one would call
absolutely sound. y know, but there's
io NV Va III MINI hIu IL Nou
only give him the butt he'll go like
a steam engine"
"Staveley." ! answered. when YOU
admit that he is not perfection | per-
ceive hat l am in for a really good
thing, Don't hurt your conscience.
StaVeley. Tell me what is his chief
vice-weaNness, partiality-anything
you choose to call it. | shall get to
know the minor defects in the course
of nature; but what is Tiglath's real
shouk?"
Staveley reflected a moment. We'll.
really. | cant quite say old a
straight off the reel, y know. He's
a oner to go when his heads turned
to home, He's a regular feeder and
vascline will cure that little crup-
tlon'-with its malignant harsati-
in NJ time. Oh, ! forgot his shouk.
| don't know exactly how To describe
it, but he yaws a good deal" said
Staveley.
"IIe how muches?" | asked.
"iaws," said Staveley, goes n bit
wide upon occasions, but a good
coachwan Will cure that in one drive.
My man let him do what he liked.
one fifty and "A hundred, ten and ten
is twenty-one-seventy. Many thanks,
indeed. III send over his bedding
and ropes. He's n powerful upstand-
ing horse, though rather picked up
just at present"
~Staveley departed and I was left
alone with Tiglath. ] called him Tig-
lath because he resembled a lathy
pig. Later or | called him Pileser
on aCcoun of his shOuk, but nv
coachwan, a strong, masterless man,
called him "haramzada Choir, shaitan
Ike hap" and "oont III beta" He GER
tainly was a powerful horse, being
full attentive at the withers, with
The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1915-02-28

Griffiths was getting really angry.
The proprietor was more polite han
ever. He bowed and left the room.
That's a good little chap" said Crit
ffths. Now, we'll settle down and
see what the mischief's wrong with
this bag. You catch one end
Not in the least l said. Safe
bind, safe find You did the binding.
How can you expect me to do the
finding? I'm an imbecile unfit to be
trusted with a passport. and now
I'm going for n walk" The japanese
are really the p%olitest nation in the
world. When the hotel proprietor re-
turned with a policeman he did not
at once thrust the man on Griftiths's
notice. He put him in the veranda
and let him clank his sword gently
once or twice.
Little chaps brought a black
smith," said Griniths, but when he
saw the policeman his face became
ugly. The policeman came into the
room and tried to assist. Have you
ever seen a four foot policeman in
white cotton gloves and a standup coll
lar lunging percussating compensation
lock with a five foot sword? | en-
joyed the sight for n few minutes be-
fore ] went out to look at Otsu. which
is a nice town. No one hindered me.
Griftiths was so completely the head
of the firm that had | set the town on
fire he would have been held respon-
sible.
| went to a temple. and a policeman
said: Passport" | said: 1.-THE
other gentleman has got" Where is
other gentleman" said the police
man, syllable by syllable. in the OIL
lendorfian style. I'm the hotel said
I; and he waddled off to catch him.
1t seemed to me that / could do a
great deal toward cheering Griffiths all
alone in his bedroom with that wicked,
bad lock. the hotel proprietor, the po-
iiceman, the room boy and the girl
who helped n to battle. With this
idea I stood in front of four policemen.
and they all asked for my passport
and were all sent to the hotel. syl-
liable by syllable mean one by one.
Some soldiers of the Ninth n. I.
were strolling about the streets, and
they were idle. 1t is unwise to let a
soldier be idle. He may get drunk.
When the fourth policeman said:
Where is other gentleman" I said:
I'm the hotel, and take soldiers
those soldiers
How many soldiers?" said the po-
liceman firmly.
Take all soldiers l said. There
The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1915-02-28

Safe bind, safe find" said Crit.
nths in the treaty port.
lie never really began to lock
things up severely till we got our
passports to travel up N He
took charge of mine for me. on the
ground that l was an imbecile. As
you are asked for your passport at
every other shop. all the hotels, most
or bhe places of amusement and on
the top Of each hill, | got to appreciate
Griffiths's self-sacrifice. He would he
biting a strap with his teeth or cal
cuiating the combinations of his pad
iocks among a ring of admiring Jap
anese while l went for a walk into
the interior.
SAT- bind. safe find" said Grit
nuns. That was true. because | was
bound to find Grifiths somewhere
near his beloved keys and straps. He
seemed to see that half the
pleasure of his trip was being strapped
and keyed out of aim.
We had any serious difficulty
about the passports. in the who'll
course of our wanderings. What I
purpose to describe now is merely an
tih va NidNtl. IL lldu no effect
on myself, but it nearly broke Grit
iiths's heart.
We were travelling from Kyoto to
Otsu. along a very dusty road full
of pretty girls. Every time l stopped
to play with one of them Griffiths
grew impatient. He had telegraphed
for rooms at the only hotel in Otsu
and was afraid that there would be no
rNla.. n.. @~l,,
three rooms in the hotel. and Safe
bind. safe find" said Grifiiths. He was
telegraphing ahead forssomething.
Our hotel was three-quarters Japa-
nese and one-quarter European. If
you walked across it it shook, n If
you laughed the roof fell off. Strange
Japanese came in and dined with you
and Jap maidens looked through the
windows of the bathroom while you
were bathing.
We had hardly put the luggage
down before the proprietor asked for
our passports. He asked me, of all
people in the world. 81 have the pass
ports" said Grifiths with pride. They
are in the yellow hide bag. Turn it
very carefully onto the right side,
my good man. You have no such
locks in Japan. I'm quite certain"
Then he knelt down and brought out
a bunch OF keys as big AS his fist.
You must know that every japanese
carries a little belaiti made handbag
with nickel fastenings. They take an
interest in handbags.
safe bind. safe D-n the key!
What's wrong with it," said Griffiths.
The hotel proprietor bowed and
smiled very politely for at least five
minutes, Grlffiths crawling over and
under and round and about his bag
the while. ITS a pe~rcussating COM
pensator,' said he. half to himself.
i've never known a percussating COM
p%ensator do this before" He was
getting heated and red in the face.
Key stuck. Ell? | told you those
fooling little spring locks are sure to
go wrong sooner or laten"
Pooling little devils. It's a per-
cussating There goes the
key. Now IL won't move either way.
I'll give o the passport tomorrow,
Passport kul demang manana-cat-
chez in a little time. Won't that do
for your
The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1915-02-28

him away to where the Cutwater was
pulling up the scared flying fishes as
a spaniel fiushes game. In front of Us
was the illimitable blue, lightly ridged
by the procession of the big blind
rollers. Up rose the stem till six feet
of the red paint stood clear above the
blue-from twenty-three feet to eigh-
teen l could count as / leaned over.
Then the sapphire crashed into
splinted crystal with a musical jar.
and the white spray licked the anchor
channels as we drove down and down,
sucking at the sea. / kept my eye
upon the strong man. and noticed
that his mouth was slightly open. the
better to inhale the rushing wind.
When ! looked a second time he was
gone. The driven spray was scarcely
quicker in its flight. My excellent
stomach behaved with temperance and
chastity. I enjoyed the fo'c'sle. and
my delight was the greater when I re-
fected on the strong man. Unless
/ was much mistaken he would know
all about il in half an hour.
| went aft and a lull between two
waves heard the petulant pop of a
champagne cork. No one drinks
champagne after tifin except-It.
The strong nan had ordered the
champagne, There were bottles of 1t
flying about the quarterback. The
engaged couple We're slipping it out Of
one glass, but their faces were averted
like our parents of old. They We're
ashamed.
you may go. You may go to
Hongkong for me-" shouted half a
dozen little waves together, pulling
The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1915-02-28
SUNOA1 WIFI
EARLIER STYLE
Criffths, the Safe Man

: the title indicates, this story
y deals with the s~afeness of
Griniths the safe man. the Sc
cure person. the reliable individual.
the sort Of man you would bank with.
I am proud to write about Grifiths,
for | owe him a pleasant day. This
story is dedicated to my friend Grif-
fths. the remarkably trustworthy
mortal.
In the beginning there were points
about Grifiths. He quoted proverbs.
A man who quotes proverbs is con-
founded by proverbs. He is also con-
founded by his friends. But l never
confounded Griffiths-not even in
that supreme moment when the sweat
stood on his brow in agony and his
tee,h were fixed like bayonets and he
swore horribly. Even then. | say. I
sat on my own trunk, the trunk that
opened. and told Grifiiths that | had
always respected him. but never
more than at the present moment.
He was 80 safe, y know.
Safeness is a matter of no impor-
lance to me. II my trunk won't lock
when | jump on it thrice | strap it
up and go on to something else. If
my carpet bag is too full l let the
tails of shirts and the ends of ties
bubble over and go down the street
with the affair. II all comes right in
the end and If it does not, what is a
man that he should fight against
Fate?
But Gritiths Is not constructed in
lha, manner. He says: safe bind Is
safe find" That, rather, is what he
used to say. He has seen reason .
alter has views. Everything about
Gr.i'iths is safe-entirely safe. His
trunk is locked by two hermetical
gun metal double end Chubbs; his
bedding roll opens to a letter paddock
capable Of two million combinations;
his hatbox has a lever patent safety
on it; and the grief of his life is that
he cannot lock up the ribs of his
umbrella safely. II you could get at
DIS soul you would find 1t ready
strapped up and labelled for heaven.
That is Griffiths.
When we went to Japan together
Gr.thths kept all his money under
lock and key. l carried mine in my
coat tail pocket. But all Grifiths's
~contraptions did not prevent him
from spending exactly as much as /
did. You see. when he had worried
his way through the big strap. and
the little strap. and the slide valve,
and the spring lock, and the key that
turned twice and a quarter. he felt
as though he had earned any money
he found. whereas / could get masses
OF sinful wealth by merely pulling
out my Observation-Disclosures and
FIVE dollars and ten dollars. all mixed
W with the tobacco or flying down
the road. They looked much too
pretty 70 spend.
The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1915-02-28

the ship several ways at once. She
rolled stately, and from that moment
settled down to the work of the eve-
ming. I cannot blame her. for I am
SUR she did not know her own
strength. 1t didn't hurt her to be on
her side. and play cat and mouse. and
puss in the corner. and hide and seek,
hut II destroyed the passengers. one
by one they sank into long chairs and
gaZed at the sky. But even there the
little white moved, and there was not
one stable thing in heaven above or
the waters beneath. My virtuous and
very respectable stomach behaved
with integrity and resolution. I
treated it to a gin cocktail, which I
sucked by the side of the strong man,
who told me in confidence hat he had
been overcome by the sun at the
fo'c'sle. Sun fever Toes not make
people cold and clammy and blue. I
sat with him and tried to make him
talk about the Florida and his voy-
ages in the past. He evaded me and
went down below. Three minutes
later I followed him with a thick
cheroot. Into his bunk I went, for I
knew he would be helpless. He was
he was-he was. He wallowed supine,
and | stood in the doorway smoking,
What is it," said l.
He wres,led with his pride-his
wicked pride-but he would not tell a
lie.
TT said he. And it was so.
The rolling continues. The ship is
q shambles, and l have six places on
each side Of me all to myself.
The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1915-02-28

THERE was no talk of 1t for a
fortnight. We spoke of lati.
tude and longitude and the
proper manufacture of sherry cob
blers. while the steamer cut open q
CLASSY smooth sea. Then we turned
toward China and drank farewell to
the nearer East.
I'VE shall reach Hongkong with
out being it, said the nervous lady.
Nobody of ordinary strength Of
mind ever was it," said the big fat
man with the voice. | kept my eye on
the big fat a He boosted too
much.
The China seas are governed neither
by wind nor calm. Deep down under
the sapphire waters sits a green and
yellow devil who suffers from indiges-
ton perpetually. When he is unwell
The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1915-02-28
M. Quad, the humorist, telling his collie a funny story.

finest collies in the country, and the
accompanying illustration shows
Quad telling the animal a funny tale.
The aged humorist has been writing
funny stories for the past fifty years,
and Is still turning out from eight to
tel columns OF original matter every
week.
The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1915-02-28

shouted back the details of the little
bills which | had to pay their coach
builders. Tiglath was suffering from
carriagecidnl mania, and the coachwan
had asked for leave. stay with me,
1brahim,'' | said. Thou seest how the
sahib log do now avoid us. Get a new
and a stout chabuq and instruct Tig-
lath in the paths Of straight walking"
"He will smash the heaven born's
carriage. He is an old and stale devil.
but in this matter extreme wise an
swered Ibrahim. "Kitto sahib's filton
hath he smashed, and Burkitt sahib's
brougham gharri. n another tum-
tum, and Staveley sahib's carriage is
still being mended. What profit is this
horse? He feigns blindness and much
fear and in the guise Of innocency
works evil. / will stay. sahib. but the
blood of this thy new carriage be upon
the brute's head and not upon mine
own"
have no space to describe the war
of the next few weeks. Fooled in his
desire to ruin only %neighbors' prop
erty, Tiglath fell back literally upon
his own-my carriage. He tried the
veranda step trick till he bent the
springs and wheeled round till the
turning action grew red hot he scraped
stealthily by walls; he performed be-
tween heavy laden bullock trains, but
his chief delight was a pas de fantaise
on a dark night and a high. level road.
Yet what he did he did staidly and with
out heat, as without remorse. He was
vetted thrice and his eyes were pro-
The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1915-02-28

of plcurisy, but otherwise I'm all
right"
Quad has made millions laugh with
his stories of Mr.. and Mrs. Bowser,
The Lime Kiln Club and the Arizona
Kicker, but he il even moro proud of
the fact tina he can make his dog
laugh. lie Is the owner Of n of the
The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1915-02-28

VI Quad, the famous humorist. was
:" Years Of Z h other day, ana
when asked how he felt he chuckled
and -lid:
I'Illy' I've got rheumatism ! n
""Ih legs, "a sore throat, a backache,
a S'y, ON one ~ and a little
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1915-03-22
Confessions ofaWife

"All right" was Dicks short
reply as he hung up the phone.
In about an hour he called me
up and said: "Margie, IL you are
determined to go to Mrs. Ten
ney's party l will go with YOU"
But how about your date,
Dick?"
"Oh. I'll break it," he said In
a most resigned tone.
You need not break il for. me,
Dick, for / could go over in a
taxi and there are always some
people that l know there"
II prefer to go with you IL you
intend to go" was Dicks decisive
answer.
We'll, my dear husband, you
can hardly ask me to give up this
party which will probably be one
of the last that | can attend for
some time and stay home alone
just because you have a business
engagement. may as well tell
you that l am going out as much
as | can. am no friend of lone
liness."
81 am not sure 1t was a bust
ness engagement, little book. II
1t were Dick would certainly have
made 1t point to tell me who it
was with and what it was about,
but he only said II have an en-
gamement.
I'm going to wear my prettiest
gown and look my best. Perhaps
1 can make Dick fall in love with
me all over again. If | can't /
don't mind confessing to you, lit
tie cook. that 1t will be tempta-
ton to try my Vaccinations" on
some other man.
don't like the role of neglect
ed wife.
Continued Tomorrow
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1915-03-22

1t was after ~ when Dick
came home.
II hope you die not go over to
Mother Waverly's for Aunt Mary
and me-" l said. II felt that |
should not keep Aunt Mary up
after H."
II really forgot, dear, that |
had promised to come for you
until / reached home. l was glad
4 found you here. Mr.. Selwin
went home about nine o'clock
and l dropped In at the club and
played cards awhile with Jim
Edie."
My cheeks burned as thought
of what | had said to Jim in the
afternoon about wanting to spend
the evening with Dick. WHAT
must Jim have thought. Like
most women I am better able to
bear neglect If / know that no
one knows l am neglected. It's
my pride that is hurt.
/ do wish Dick would stay at
home more. He is only with me
about one night in three now
adays and then he is so tired that
he can do nothing but go to bed
right after dinner to recuperate.
am feeling so well now that
l am going to invite some people
in and also arrange to go out with
him--at least / am going to make
him declare himself on the ques-
ton of being with me or someone
else.
! am going to invite Eliene,
Harry, Mr.. Hatton ana some
others over tonight. AS this
thought came to me l went to
the phone and called up Dick.
BE home early tonight, dear"
I said, for I'm going to have
Eliene and Harry and some
others over for the evening""
There was a moments silence
and then Dick said-"awfully
sorry, Margie, but / have an en-
gagement for this evening""
isn't 1t one you can break
Dick? You know I'll not be able
to invite people to the house after
q little"
"I'm afraid I can't, dear"
SIS IL SO very Important"
81 think it is important" was
his cold, rejoinder. IL can't break
1t and i do wish, Margie, you
would not make arrangements for
me without consulting me first.
That is just what | am doing,
Dick. / haven't invited anyone
yet but l hate to stay alone SC
much of the time. / think III
go over to Mrs. Tenney's IL you
are going out. She asked me to
come tonight"
do you really think you are
well enough? It's going to be
some party. they say--a great
many people that you will not
know.
"Oh, I'm perfectly well now
and l need to get out. I'm very
morbid when sit alone. Yes.
think that will beb est as prob
ably Eiiene and Harry would be
going over there anyway"
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1915-03-22

called to our minds a very
funny incident that had hap
pened earlier In the evening
before their arrival. Neither
of us were able to control our
laughter. and as the joke was
not of a character that could
be told In their presence,
they made up their minds we
were laughing at them, and
were greatly peeved. We
tried to impress II upon
them that they were not the
subject of our laughter, but
1t only made matters worse.
Can you give us some sug-
gestion how to apologize and
set their minds at ease, for
though we are no better
friends than boys and girls of
our ages should be, we do not
like to lose their companion
ship. Y. G.. and T. p.
Aft you have apOlOgized
here is nothing more you can do
'xcept to learn to control your
elves enough to prevent simiIa
uture experience. 1t was rude O
'ou to laugh and not be able 3,
i've an explanation.