The Washington herald., 1915-02-09

about the country asking: DO you nap
pen to know of homely widower oil
I old bach?''
How homely must he be?'
We'll, hOmely enough to scare a COW
out Of the road. II he isn't so very
homely in the face then he must have
bowlegs and be humpbacked."
And she would hear Of a man thai
might nil the bill. and she would trail
him down and talk to him, and II gen
orally ended in a marriage. 1t was SAID
. that she had only three failures in al
those years, and one OF them because
an old maid fell into a well and frOzC
to death.
At length Aunt Mary set out to make
her last match She didn't know that Il
was to be her last. but she realized thai
she had grown old. She had run across
an old forty-year-old that for homeli'
ness beat all who had gone before. She
took a sensible view Of the situation
however.
expect a man to marry me unless he
wanted to exhibit me as a side show
freak" the maid admitted.
Then you are aware OF your looks?
when I can drive the pigs out Oi
the garden by merely showing my face
at broken window pane, hadn't ought
to be aware?"
But it isn't the handsomest wife that
makes home the happiest. Nature gives
every man and woman a feeling that
they want a home. Even the birds
have that feeIing-a homely bird as we'll
as a handsome one. Some man is
waiting for you to help make a home. Sc
Then he'd better hurry up before the
Judgment Day arrives laughed the old
maid.
As Aunt Mary had about resolved that
this should be her last case, and as her
eyes told her that this was the homeliest
woman in the United States, her pride as
a matchmaker was aroused. She had
heard of an extraordinarily homely man
fifty miles away. and started to drive
there. When twenty miles from home she
met a man in a buggy and he called
out to her:
Hello. Aunt Mary-I was bound for
your house.
Wanted to see me, eh?''
Il did and do. Two years ago !
married girl for her good looks. She
didn't know as much as a cat about
housework. and she was bad tempered
and lazy. y six months she eloped
with a drummer
And you pursued them and killed
him." queried Aunt Mary.
We'll, ] never heard that I did. II
/ had pursued II would have been to
thank them both! applied for a di-
yorce instead and got it!''
And now you want another wife,"
'Yes. but not a good-looking one. =
don't want her even plain-Iooking. In
deed. ! want her hOmely.'
My mission, as you know, has been
to bring two homely people together,
bu-"
Il want you TO make an exception in
my case. ! am a farmer. and live at
the crossing of two prominent highways
There is not an hour in the day that
a tin pedler. chicken buyer. or agent OF
some sort or other is not calling to
chin with the wife. 7 know that this
one who ran away with the drummer
had sixteen offers to elope before he
came along"
And you want a wife that will scare
everybody away?'
That's it,"
Well. l have on hand and ready
for immediate delivery an old maid that
will either delight your heart or scare
you out OF the county. I have seen the
homeliest in the land, and she takes the
medal over all
Has she lost a leg or an arm?'
No"
"GoOd-tempered? p"
"A homely woman invariably is"
Know how to bake beans?"
II am sure she is a good housekeeper." t"
lone more question:" said the man.
Does she snore?''
II will guarantee that she does not"
He then told Aunt Mary all she wanted
to know and repeat to the other party,
and a date was arranged for the meet
ing.
Remember. If she isn't mighty home
ly it's no marriage!" warned the man as
they parted.
You'll have to go to Africa to find a
homelier one!" laughed Aunt Mary.
The date came for the meeting. The
man was on time. Aunt Mary was there
10 make the introduction. The couple
shook hands and then stood back and
looked at each other. A shade of dis
appointment settled on each face. Aunt
Mary was quick to observe it.
well, isn't she homely enough?"
why. she's good-looking woman" t"
was the reply. You led me to believe
that she was a fright to see"
And she led me to believe that you
were a fine looking mani" added the old
maid
Aunt Mary sat down from the weak
ness of her knees. She had never met
such a case before. Three or four min
utes went past and then she lOosensd a
bit OF pink ribbon pinned to a curtain
and held it up.
What's the COLOR"
Green" was the prompt reply of one.
"Blue!" was promptly replied by the
other.
Aunt Mary was saved. They were
color blind.
well. / did want a fine looking hus-
band" said the old maid but they say
a man with a face like a squash is al
ways a good man."
And I didn't want another handsome
wife, but I'm no kicker" added the man.
"I'll get a shotgun and a bulldog, and
guess We can keep the fellers away"
They had the thing turned about, but
they married and have lived very hap
PLY, but the husband wonders now and
then why even a chicken buyer never
calls at the house.