The Birmingham age-herald., 1914-04-05

books, humanity, where, oh, where are they? Gone, gone, relegated to the shades of retirement forever and a day! Why I've gotten so now that I can't
 even eat my spaghetti without the Vic
 trola playing Too Much Mustard I can't even run for a street car without
 three steps and dip, and l always miss
 the car, because the dip takes time. | Dancing is like chills and fever Every
 once in awhile the fever comes back
 higher than ever and you can't stop It." | q saw some purple gabardine yes {, terday at $3 9s a yard. marked down i from s4 .50," Mrs. litter interrupted wasn't that a bargain?"N
 1 "of course when I took this tango victim back into my house." Mrs. Pumpkins said. utterly oblivious of any remark from her friend. T had no idea that papa tyou don't mind me
 calling MT. Pumpkins pet names, do you. dearie?) would have a relapse, but { he did. That's the worst of the tango 1 bug. Ii isn't content with a bite here
 and there, it needs must feast off of the entire community. So MT. Oldboy ! and papa went every evening to the
 luscious little dancing teacher (she's 1 just 20). and when l looked at the poor
 old stiff, decrepit male creatures try
 ing to get down the front steps without I falling, going to dancing lessons, mind you, I laughed so loud and so hard
 that the strings of my straight front
 corset popped liked popcorn over hot
 blaze, and that's some pop
 "One evening I went with them. just l for curiosity" Mrs Pumpkins went on,
 "and to my dying day I never expect
 to see anything so ludicrous. Can you l ina zine two old worn out coal barges 1 trying to act like perfectly good yachtY
 Their two poor old faces expressed ex- l cruciating agony. and once l looked at ! h. mi 1flI of ha floor with one feet poised in the air, while the f1ossy little dancing teacher l went over to try to hold MT Oldboy
 up to keep him from falling down when 1 he was on one foot, and I heard papa | cry out
 1 ".What must I do with this footg" 1 Wrap 1t around your neck, l yelled ] from the line of spectators. or put it in La frame and hang 1t on the wall. I'd l like to have it to remember you by, or
 why not send it to Sunday school and
 teach it to be good?"
 why didn't you ask me to go with you l to the dancing class?" Mrs. litter said presently.
 My dear, am your true and sincere and loyal friend" Mrs. Pumpkins con- | fided. After those two old middle aged
 men thought they had learned the one-
 step. and few of the tango steps, they
 wanted someone to try 1t on! I was the | goat. ] kept you m LLo DdCA8 Houu0
 because I knew you'd be pressed into
 service. Who says now that I'm not your own dear friend? Of course they have no respect for my dancing-they don't { even think I know how-but they just
 wanted some aIniable female person to
 dance with and was it. Ever since my | toes have been done up in absorbent
 cotton. My dear. when d man puts one
 heel down on your little footsie, you can
 endure it, but when he stands with both | his big old cumbersome feet on yours, while the orchestra does three beats, and l then turns round once and reverses it is too much for any one pair of poor | little feminine feet to bear. I would not have asked that sacrifice from you" Didn't either of them ever learn?' asked Mrs. ritter.
 Certainly not.' Mrs Pumpkins replied Papa never will and yet he considcrs I himself an expert and criticizes every I body else under the sun. Mir. Pumpkins will never be a dancer When he does 1 the 'Hestation,' he has the joyous atti-
 tude of an undertaken performing his sad duties. But dip he does, and he fairly l chortles over it. When he found out 1 that he could do the Castle Walk with
 out his head swimming, or without fall- l ing down, he took on the superior air of l a dancer of international fame. He be- | gan to give instructions to everybody | who mentioned dancing. Isn't it funny
 that the masculine sex never comprehends l that women and girls just know things, and that men and boys have to be | taught?"
 ''Humor him, humor him." Mrs. litter 1 insisted. Think how shumiliated men
 would be if they only knew how stupid we consider them."
 "Why you couldn't splinter the concei of mere man with an explosion of dyna-
 mite" was the curt reply. yet you'd ] think you could do 50 when they try to I1ance. My dear, the fact that soHne of the big old red fat ones can stay on their | feet at all gives them iuexpressitAe satis- J1aatiea Atelg that~you. eap't teach them