The Birmingham age-herald., 1914-07-19

chism and began asking questions and jotting down the answers. I had to tell where and why I was born, and my grandmother's maiden name and other statistics; I had to convince the ques- tioner that I had never served a term in the penitentiary and that none of my blood relatives had died insane. There were all sorts of impertinent questions to be answered. but they merely amused me, until the teller asked me how old I was.
 That filled me with virtuous indig- nation.
 "It's none of the governments busi- ness" I said. 'how old I am. I'm old enough to deposit my own money, and that ought to be enough"
 You can't deposit your wooden money in this bank, said the teller,
 unless you give your correct age. and your wife's correct age, and the cor rect age of your man servant and your
 maid servant. and of the stranger within your gates
 That let me out. have done no busi- ness with the government savings bank That's the government way of doing business, it may be remarked. When the government owns the railways pas sengers won't be allowed to enter the foolish questions. The government
 postal banks are a frost just because
 of this official foolishness. At Amer icus. Kansas town that simply
 sweats money, the government bank has been discontinued because peo- pie rebelled against the fool questions
 especially the fool question touching their age and the condition of their teeth.
 Men who are waxing old make pain full and pitiful efforts to preserve the appearance of youth and usually make themselves ridiculous. It would be far more dignified if they didn't try to
 conceal the ravages of time. Could any thing be more distressing than dyed
 hair and whiskers? In the grand old biblical times gray hairs were hon. ored. and they are today when they are worn without shame and without disguise But mu1titudes of people who
 arc sane in other matters are foolish in their dread of gray hair. So We see elderly gentlemen trotting around with
 purple whiskers having a metallic lus- ter. Suoh whiskers never grew natur' ally in any country in the world. NC
 man ever fooled his friends by usina hair dyes. You can distinguish bunch of dyed alfalfa three blocks away, and the man who wears the alfalfa knows l in his heart how futile 1t is as well
 as you do. but he goes ahead making himself absurd, like the old woman
 who wears youthful clothes and as-
 sumes a kittenish manner, in the hope | that somebody will mistake her for 6 sweet girl graduate.
 i! It is a mad world my masters. | Many men run to fat as middle agt overwhelms them. and nine out of ter of them resort to heroic measure to aver' this calamity, and all their heroic meas ures are useless. In Emporia, as else where, the fat men play golf. They g6 to the Country club on hot days, wear 1 ing peekaboo clothing. and drill around ir the heat for two or three hundred miles
 and go home wringing wet, like old dish rags. Whenever they have a chance they sneak to a zrocer's scale and weigh them
 selves and if they find they have shrunl half a pound avoirdupois they are SC happy over 1t they call up the evening
 paper and ask Rolla Clymer to print g
 scare mad story on the front page Wher 1 a fat man loses few ounces of weigh he thinks it matter of public interest
 more so than the Mexican war or tho opening of the Panama canal.
 1 But all this strenuous exercise is use less. The man who Is destined to be ia
 might as well accept the decree of thu l gods in the first place and take life easy The fat golf players spavin themselves
 and make their lives a punishment, ant peradventure do lose a few pounds O weight; but as soon as they take a res ] for a few days the weight is back oi
 them again, with few extra pounds fo
 good measure.
 | An Emporia doctor held me with hi glittering eye and told me that if I woult walk three miles every morning and liv' on vegetables I'd soon become svelte an,
 willowy and would make good undsr