The mirror., 1914-06-25
He DESCRIBES
THE LEGAL COUGH
This Student Of Blackstone, Places a True
Value on The Effect Of a Lawyers In
sinuating and Usually ResultfuI Cough.
MOT Unfair.
THEY ALL HAVE HABIT
By Sherlock

1t is probably owing to the whirl
and hustle of the age that no OBJ
server has yet found time to give
us a glimmer of light on the nature
and possibilities of that artistic
malady which may be termed the
legal cough" 1t is an artistic
malady in that it is not natural, but
is the sweet perfection of cough
affected for professional purposes,
and nursed and practiced through
patient stages of development, until
rounded off to rosy lovliness that
virtually makes the lawyer vir-
tuOsO.
A lawyer without cough is like
a mince pie without brandy No
matter how profound his knowledge
may be. he is only fit for searching
titles and doing the routine work
of the Office His partner, with a
very limited stock Of legal infor-
nation, will easily eclipse him be-
fore a jury, providing, of course,
his cough is in good working order.
When he pauses to clear his throat
he is really taking time to look
ahead for new arguments and SMILES
with which TO clear his client. And
when he says: If your Honor please,
bow, WOW, wow!" he is regarded by
the jury as a scholar of sublime
dignity, especially if he has bushy
white hair, clean shaven face, and
a monumental jowl whose purplish
| festoon of chin rests in tremulous
agitation between the white wings
of linen collar.
All to the Good
AGAINST such creature what
chance would a pale thin man with
a red goatee and no magnetism have?
Even with good casey aud the
choicest flowers of oratory, he would
be laughed or rather coughed, out
of court. He would only have the
ghost of chance in winter, when
by wearing summer underwear and
thin soled shoes he might practice
in the enjoyment of a cough that
would last during the entire season.
| do not know it to be a fact, hut
it is fair to assume that our finest
coughing lawyers spend an hour or
two in coughing exercises and
studies, going gracefully from the
wild impassioned cough of scorn to
the ripping dimpled cough of fun,
and SO on to the sentimental choking
cough Of pathos, so effective when
he points to the innocent burglar,
and then to the latter's anxious wife.
who sits besides him, clasping the
borrowed babe for the occasion.
In spite of the fact that it may be
impertinent, we feel it our duty to
point out to the various law schools
the Importance of introducing this
feature excuse me | must cough)
into the regular course of study.
The old professors would be aston
ished beyond measure at the effect
that the cough attachment would
give to Roman law. They should
see that student devoted as much
time to coughing as to his lectures.
Let them in the first year teach only
the gentle ripping cough which
means time for reflection, and then
the pleasant cough, followed by
sunny smile intended as an endorse
ment Of the argument, and so on up
to the wild frantic cough that goes
with the red face, the pounding of
the table with the fist. and the
swathing of the top of the head with
his handkerchief.
Would Preserve Throat
This course would also prove
beautiful sanitary measure, mas
much as the constant coughing would
doubtless render the lawyer proof
against colds, and preserve his
throat that he might ever be ready
to accomplish the forensic effort
in stentorian tones"
No self-respecting legal luminary
regards the cough as an unfair.
medium through which to attain his
ends. If it were unfair. would the
honest upright judge who couldn't
be purchased with Golcondas of
shining gold. and whose only inter-
est is in the cause of Justice, cough
during his charge? 'Tis true the
cough may be sympathetic with that
of the lawyers, but it makes his
charge more effective than it would
be if accompanied by the dreamy
discoursing of lutes and soft re-
corders."