The Birmingham age-herald., 1914-10-11
That Awful Bore-The Winner
By DOROTHY DIX

dents of insectology bring forward much convincing data to support thelr theory that the Whiner. like the gadfy the tick, the red bug ,etc.. etc. is part of the mys- terious dispensation of Providence to rec oncile us mortals to the brevity of life for it is observable that the minute a Winner attacks even the most robust man. he throws up his hands and appar- ently loses interest in the subsequent pro- oeedngs.
 But whatever the purpose of the Winner II IS undeniably here, pervading an other wise peaceful and happy world. and doing its humble and conscientious best to make it unfit to live in.
 The Winner is of both sexes and the males and females bear a strong outward resemblance to each other. They are nearly always thin and gaunt, and dys- peptic looking, and of bilious color, with niangy Scoats that need brushing. and lack-lustre eye that only brightens up when they seize upon a victim
 The two sexes differ in this notable re- spect, though, that while the male Winner nearly hunts for the sake of money, the female hunts for the pure love Of the sport. You can sometimes save yourself from being entirely bored to death by male Winner by throwing silver at him, and although he will invariably return and attack you again, you gain some re- spite from your sufferfngs. On the other hand the female Winner Is not to be rIied away from her quarry by any known means. She will take all that you will give her, but she is bound to have your life blood into the bargain.
 The most familiar variety of the male Winner is the common panhandler on the street. who springs upon you out of a doorway with a stall about being out of work and having seven small children under years of age. This Is an innocu- ous creature that you can easily drive away with quarter for beer and while it is unpleasant, Is not dangerous.
 The ferocious one of this species is the kind known as the Hard Luck variety. This is a creature that is of most sloth- full and indolent habits. and that appears to have beer pickled in alcohol until t has only ray of energy left, and that is the impulse to hold up people and live or them. It also has a most violent tenn Ter and foams at the mouth when man attempts to protect himself from 1t.
 The Hard Luck Winner is cannibalistic in It's tastes. and feeds chiefly on it's own family, because they are easy and have no way of escape. It will eat up it's poor old mother or it's hard-working sisters with the greatest relish but 1t is quite content to devour strangers, if as occa- sionally hapr ems, an energetic female rel ative takes the broom to it and beats 1t out of the house, for the Winner is at heart coward with a yellow streak in it seven feet wide
 The Hard Luck Winners method of at- tack is as sneaking as that of cur dog that cringes up to you, but that you can't shake or lose. The first you know of its presence it has fastened on you like q leech and is emitting doleful sounds that have been translated to mean q am a. poor unfortunate fellow Everything is against me. The world is down on me. Nobody appreciates me. Subsidized man agers won't take my play. Venial editors won't buy my stories Tyrannical em- ployers turn me off for no reason. When opened saloon in Kentucky the state went dry. When started a skating rink in Massachusetts strawberries ripened in the open at Christmas. When I took a boat load of red fiannels to the far north. open-work shirtwaists were the only things that were derigeus with the Arctic Circle ladies. Woe! Woe! Woe is me. never did have no luck nohow"
 This the Hard Luck Winner repeats over and over again in a cracked-ice tone un- til women scream with terror and strong men turn pale and give up the ghost. Once there was a very brave man who tried to have himself and his family from a Hard Luck Winner by interrupting its
 
 tale of woe, but the relentless creature only started again and told 1t all over the second time. which killed the man in- stantly, and since that time nobody has ever dared to even say scat when one gets going.
 The chief characteristic of the female Winner is that she loves to weep and throw nts. Just let her soak the prem 'ses in brine and tear off few epileptIc stunts and she is perfectly happy, but, unfortunately she does not enjoy turning on the water works or bowling unless she has an audience. This leads her to CO., vertly insinuate herself into people, s homes when they are not watching and attack them at their own firesides.
 Sometimes whole families are slain thus in a bunch ,and although the coroner s cerdncate may give the cause of death as heart failure," 1t is perfectly well known that they have been bored to death by female Winner The best known vadety of the female Whiner is the one that Is known as the "Seen Bet ter Days" variety. It is scarcely neces- sary to describe this pest, as there is probably no one so fortunate as not to have been bitten by one. The favorite habitat of this particular species is about women's exchanges and boarding houses. where they arc so common that all pru- dent persons draw . dead line about such places. The Seen Better Days" female Winner always has a family tree brand cd upon her forehead, and emits q pecu- liar piercing and continuous wall that sounds like My grandfather, the sovern- ori My grandfather, the governori Oh. I never expected to come to this! I never expected to come to this!' This 9ets on the listeners nerves in time and causes him to wish he was dead
 Without doubt, however the most for niidable variety of the female whfner ia the "Unhappily Married" This Ia the most fsrociously merciless creature on earth and the one that is by universal consent the most avaided. Well is she called the Queen of the Bores. for once she tastes blood she never stops until her victim Is writhing in tho death agony be, Tore her. Her favOrite prey Is woman. and she Is found infesting lonely places especially at twilight or bedtime, when she springs upon her victim and with wailing and weeping and smashing of teeth. gorges herself upon her own mis- cries. unmindful of the fact that she ia killing the woman and perhaps robh,nr an interesting family of their chief means of support
 There is also another curious variety of the female Winner known as the Re- reaved. who rushes upon perfectly fnno- cent and unoffending strangers and as- saults them with her family tombstones But this species is sometimes cured of Its rabies by second marriage
 The chief pleasure that most peopIe have in life fs telling their troubles
 Women never feel really well acuuaint- ca until they have had a good cry to- gether.