Grand Forks daily herald and the evening times., 1914-07-18
Laugh With U.

An old miser in Athens, Ga. hated
to part with money, and to the ply
sician who was just bringing him
around from a long illness he said one
day: "Ah. doctor, we have known
each other such a long time, I don't
intend to insult you by settling your
account in cash; but 1 have put you
down for a handsome legacy in my
will"
The doctor looked thoughtful. cal
prescription again. I wish to make
a slight alteration in it."
Hubby said the observant wife.
the janitor of these flats is a bach
elor."
What Of it?"
II really think he is becoming inter-
ested in our oldest daughter"
There you go again with your pipe
dreams! Last week 1t was a duke"
Mark Twain and Chauncey Depew
once went abroad or the same ship.
When he ship was a few days out
they were both invited to a dinner.
Speechmaking time came. Mark
Twain a the first chance. He spoke
twenty minutes and made a great hit.
Inen 1t was Depew's turn.
"Mr. Toastmaster and ladies and
gentlemen" said the famous racon-
teur as he arose, before his dinner
Mark Twain and myself made an
asreemnt to trade speeches. He has
just delivered my speech, and I thank
you for the pleasant manner in which
you received it. l regret to say that
I have lost the notes of his speech
n cannot remember anything he
vas to say
Then he sat down. There was much
who had been in the party came
across Mark Twain in the smoking
room. Mr.. Clemens" he said, II CON
slider you were much imposed upon
last night. I have always heard that
Mr. Depew is a clever man, but really
that speech you made of his last night
struck me as being the most Internal
rot"
Mary" said a lady to her house
maid. as she surveyed the furniture
just look at the dust! Didn't I tell
you to go carefully over it? I expect
company this afternoon and I shall
feel ~disgraceful. Every one will go
away talking about it."
We'll, num-" said the girl, "why
don't vol pull down the shades?"
In the old days, when oral examina-
lions were still the thing, an exam
ming board was pummelling an appli-
cant with questions from Blackstone.
Kent and other legal lights.
II didn't study anything about these
fenoWs," complained the APPLICANT.
What did o study?" asked one
Of the Judges.
II studied the statutes of the state"
he replied. II studied them hard.
Ask me a question about them and
I'll show you. That is where I got
my legal knowledge"
MY young friend" said one austere
Judge on the examining board, "you
would better be very careful, for some
day the legislature might meet and
repeal everything you know"
lust IS the train was nearing the
terminus an anxious woman, proprie-
tor OF many wraps and bundles.
caught the conductor by the sleeve
and said: Mister Conductor, please
tell me, does this train stop at the
Grand Central depot?"
>. We'll, ma'am.' was the reply. elf
1t doesn't all I can say is that there,ll
be a mighty big bump"
OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF sAsEs.
Little Fred-Are You tired. Uncle
Joe?
Uncle Joe-No. Who do you ask ?
Little Fred-Papa said you came
home last night with an awful load.
Mamma-Don't you know that
King Solomon said. Spare the rod
and spoil the child?"
Little Leo-Yes; but he never said
1t until after he got so old his mother
couldn't lick him.
Tommy-say, papa, isn't mamma
just a trif1e crazy?
Papa-Why do you think so, my
son? ~
Tommy-well, the other day I was
playing In the rain. and she made
me come in n take a bath.
"Gertie," said a mother to her five
year-old daughter, heres a dime;
run down to the drug store and get
me a bottle of sweet OIL"
Gertie started down the street, but
soon came running back to ask:
About how sweet do you want it,
mamma?" =