davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1914-11-04

Of hours. There was no diner attach
ed, so the secretary told the conduc-
tor to wire ahead to a certain town
and have seats reserved at the station
restaurant for the party. This the
conductor did. On arriving at the
town thirty-two half starved athletes
piled out of their car and hustled for
the eating place. AS they sprinted in
side they were met by the proprietor,
who threw up both hands in amaze
ment. Only nine chairs had been re-
served, the remainder being occupied
by other famished travellers. "Why,
the wire | received said a baseball
nine was coming, so what else would
do?" was his explanation.-Ed A.
Goewey in Leslies.
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1914-11-04
WATkRY HUMOR.
The Brand of Practical Jokes That
Royalty Seems to Like.

Royalty Seems to Like.
King Alfonso of Spain delights in
playing practical jokes upon his friends
Gently when Lord and Lady Wimborne
Were his guests, in connection with the
visit of the English polo team, he
| showed them through the wonderful
gardens attached to the royal palace
at Madrid
Leading his guests into a trellised
arbor, the king stepped to one side,
pressed button, and both English and
Spanish were soaked by a deluge of
water that poured down from a con-
cealed shower bath. The king was
convulsed with merriment, and his
guests had to laugh with royalty,
whether they liked the joke or not
The late King Edward, it is related
when young man, at house party
decided to take fall out of a rather
pompous fellow guest. Aided by one
of his suit, he placed bucket filed
with water over the door of his room
and then sent for the pompous one
AS the latter entered the room the
bucket was upset and he was drench-
ed, to Albert Edwards great Joy The
victim, however, took the jest in sorry
part and, making his excuses to the
hostess, returned to town at once.
The next morning when he opened
his Times he saw this personal adver-
tisement
If B. will return to his friends all will
De forgiven him. A. E.
Upon another occasion, at private
view of the pictures at an exhibition
in the old New gallery, Albert Edward
had hearty laugh. An artist, who
was somewhat of a poseur, wishing to
impress the Prince of Wales with his
knowledge of art, kept walking back
ward, eXclaiming that he would indi-
cate where the best view of the picture
was to be had.
The prince nudged his companions
and indicated they should keep quiet.
AS result the artist was not warned
and he stumbled backward into the
basin of the fountain among the gold
fish. Neither the artist nor the gold
fish saw the joke, but Albert Edward
and his friends did.-New York Sun.
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1914-11-04
Letter to
DR.. Kilmer & Co.,
Binghamton, n. Y.
Prove What Swamp. Root Will Do For You

Send. ten cents to DR.. Klmer & Co..
Binghamton, n. Y, for sample size
bottle. 1t will convince anyone. You will
also receive booklet of valuable infor
nation, telling about the kidneys and
bladder. hen writing. be sure and
mention the Morrisvile weekly News and
Citizen. Regular tifty-cent and one-dolar
bottles for sale at all drug stores. adv
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1914-11-04
You Are Master of Your Fate,

No power in society no hardship in
your condition, can depress you, keep
you down in knowledge, power, virtue.
influence, but by your own consent
William Ellery Charming.
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1914-11-04
Err Rust Stains.

For removing ink stains and iron
rust from wash goods. cream Of tartar
is excellent. Dampen with solution
and put in the sun.
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1914-11-04
An Astonished Iandlord.

Last year the Chicago Nationals
were taking long jump on their ex-
hibition tour, and for some reason
their train became stalled for couple
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1914-11-04
In Praise of DILIGENCE.

Diligence increaseth the fruit of toll.
A dilatory man wrestles with losses
Hesiod.
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1914-11-04
THE CHARM
or HERHOOD
Enhanced By Perfect Physi-
cal Health.

The experience of Motherhood is try
ing one to most women and marks dis
tinctly an epoch in their lives. Not one
woman in hundred is prepared or I'M
derstands how to properly care for her.
self. Of course nearly every woman
nowadays has medical treatment at such
times, but many approach the expert
ence with an organism untitled for the
trial Of strength, and when it is over
her system has received shock from
which it is hard to recover. Following
right upon this comes the nervous strain
of caring for the child, and distinct
change in the mother results.
There is nothing more charming than
happy and healthy mother of children,
and indeed childbirth under the right
conditions need be no hazard to health or
beauty. The unexplainable thing is
that, with all the evidence of shattered
nerves and broken health resulting from
an unprepared condition, and with am
pie time in which to prepare, women
will persist in going blindly to the trial.
Every woman at this time should rely
upon Lydia E. Pinkham's Vegetable
Compound, a most valuable tonic and
invigorator of the female organism.
In any homes 90 ~sSsSSS
once childless there NV ,eE|GMsNNN
are now children be- W Or sSNl WY
cause of the fact 70 g w II
that Lydia E. Pink ~ y
hams Vegetable ~ NJ 1 IL
Compound mak e Nm &SS-sH> I'M
women normal, SNENs<MSSNNI
healthy and strong. S ~ : eSs 80
III you want special advice write to
Lydia e. Pinkham Medicine Co. (cOnfl-
dentiaD Lynn, Mass. Your letter will
be opened, read and answered by
woman and held in strict confidence.
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1914-11-04
STOWE

Mrs. Harry E. Pike went to HaverhIll,
Mass. last week to attend the funeral of
relative.
The Washington herald., 1914-08-16
P. D. O. INTERVIEWS


d"n't realize what you are sacrificing"
II see. but I came here to tell you tnat
you are charged"
Yes 'spose 30. but do you know
that l haven't even seen a raw turnip
since l came to Washington TwentF-
years ago I used to sit on the top rail Of
a fence and stun myself with them
yum! yum"
DO you deny the charge, Senator?''
''What-that just dote on a hot pump
kin Fie. No. sir. I will plead guilty at
once-Washington loved 'em. Hancock,
Clay Calhoun and Webster loved en-.
but this city knows 'em not"
III you can't deny the charge then look
oIC at the next electiOn!" said the P D.
.. Man in warning tones.
Sure. sure, but how many hot dough-
nuts cid you ever eat at once when you
were a boy? Gee. but how good they
used to taste! And the Custards. Don't
you know that the making Of a cusJard
has become a lost art. / am sometimes
tempted TO introduce a bill making il a
penal offense to discriminate against the
CustFrd as they have in the last decade
Oh say"
''WeH?''
Il want a piece Of strawberry short
cake. such as mother used to make but
you couldn't find IL in Washington II you
were 10 Offer a thousand dollars fo- Il
tell you my son, there are draWba cks
The Washington herald., 1914-08-16

reckon most ebervbody am satisfied TO
walk in de middle Of de road till he sees
a sign. Keep on de grass
De young man who goes around arGuln'
dat marriage am lottery VIII take
mighty good keer dat de- odder party
doan' draw a prize in gettin' him.
IfI was skin man up. should fust
OBJ all watch him as he stubbed his toe
ober a stone in de road. II heartiness
oh speech folIored de accident, I should
think we'll oh him: II he did all his Gus
sim behind his vcst. should suspect
him OBJ beln' sly an crafty.
Oar am heaps oh people who believe IN
de old sayin' dat charity covers a multi
tude OBJ sins. an dey take advantage OBJ
II to make 10 cents wuth OBJ charity cover
a hundred dollars wuth OBJ conscience.
Oar am times when we pint to a man
an wonder why de fool-killer doan' come
along and do his biZness fur him, an dar
am odder times when We remember how
we lost sebenteen dollars in de road an
had better keep shet about our fcller-
men Take US as we run, an we am all
of de same piece OBJ cloth.
In my time I hev knowed a heap OF
men who argued dat de world was all
wrong an dat de rich ought to divide up
wild de pore. Perhaps I might hev bin
convinced by der arguments had 1 not
found 'em all sittin on de fence an takin'
things easy while de rich was hard at
work.
My naybur on de right cheerfully lends
me his wheelbarrer bekase I doan' dis
pute him dat de whale swallered joiner.
My naybur on de left am glad to hev me
borrow his shovel or hoe bekase doan'
dispute him dat 1t rained fo'ty days an
fo'ty nights. De man who goes on a
still-hunt ginerally gifts de most game.
/ has got S37 in de bank an a roof
ober my head. an lay it all to de fact
dat has~allus steered clear ob de man
who wanted to gin me sunthing fur
nUtin'. De snaps is a heap mo- sartin
to cotch de smallpox dan to git cents
wUth oh pop con fur ..
Many a man has gone through life
widout too much bein' said ag'in him,
but arter his death de widder has
spoiled 1t all by crowdin' too much in de
epitaph. ! nebber really got mad at de-
man who cheated me IN mswi trade til
The Washington herald., 1914-08-16

make up. You are in the right Of II ten
times over. It's a chance to show a
mean man up. and you do it"
And some one threw ink on the
Squire's office door
And some one painted the Deacon's
gate red.
And some one wrote a letter to the
squire's wife advising her to drop him
Ike hot potato II she wanted to go
to Heaven when she died
And some one else wrote a letter N
the Deacon's wife stating that death was
on her traTl.
The merchant that was for the SQUIRE
lost the patronage Of those who were
for the Deacon, and vice versa
In one month as many as forty cats
and dogs were poisoned off.
The school had to close because the
children were constantly fighting.
There were at least twenty street
fights among men. and fifty among the
boys.
There were two ministers in the VIII
lage, and both struggled with the situ-
alton and made 1t no better. Then a
citizen who had favored neither side
made trip to the city and brought back
a gypsy fortune teller. though no one
knew that she had a hand in it. For
two days she went about reading hands
and predicting, free of charge. II the
riottng was not stopped and the dove
Of peaYe coaxed back a plague would
visit the town, and carry OFF 200 people,
and the Squire and the Deacon would
be the first victims
Lightning was TO strike both churches
and knock the stuffing out Of them.
freshet was TO sweep away the
bridge and innundate the town.
The grasshoppers would come by the
million, and davastate the whole country.
The prophecies gave the people ten
days TO return to their senses. but she
was too liberal. She hadn't been one
from the village two hours when every
body was shaking hands and begging
pardons. and Squire Holdfast and Deacon
Babbit were promenading up and down
the street like loving brothers Super
stition and imposition had accomplished
what common sense had failed to do.
The Washington herald., 1914-08-16
COON TALKS

he died and saw de epltaph on his
sravestone reading. at am mo blessed
TO give dan TO receive. an OBJ such am
de kingdom Of heaven"
rye knowed a heap OBJ men dat coul4r't
look me IN de eve while tsllin' q sta---
an I've knowed heaps OBJ others who had
boat eyes on me all de time As nicn rs
I kin HeSer 1t out de number oh liars am
about eben.
has allus tried to make myself believe
dat honesty was de best policy. but when
l come TO tgger up how much bone de
butcher has left In my meat an how
much brown paper de grocer weighed IN
wild my tea, fall to wonderin' II hadn't
ortcr tried to work OF Ieven eggs fur a
dozen.
Etery man should hev a far opinyun
OBJ himself, but when he gifts to thinkin'
how mighty nice he am he should run
fur political once. He won't hev to
wait ober TO weeks to md out dat half
de public at least has allus regarded him
as a fool an a knave
"If yo' want to trade nevis wild a man
allus fix il so dat he'll cum to yo' cust
In dat case he won't be half so apt to
lCok fur spavins on yo'r mewl.
I nebber beat a church out o. nv pew
rert, but five pennies will make mo CIat-
tar on de contribushun plate dan a ten
dol al bill
II you hev a old hoe an yo' naybur
has a new shovel allus be de fust to
offer TO lend. De higher rates Of interest
yo' charge man who wants to borrow
money de quicker yo' kin discourage him
from doin' bizness outside de banks.
l yo' want to buy Of a man wait till
he am hard up an am obliged to sell
If yo' am hard up want to sell doan' let
anybody know II.
Be seen at church cherry Sunday as a
rule, but II dar am any money to be
picked up around a circus or a hOss race
don't let muffin keep yo' away.
l don't advise yo to bet or play poker.
but IL yo' win SIS on a Presidential
leckshun or de same amount on To- aces
it's a heap better to put 1t in de bank
dan to glib il back to de man who lost it,
II de street kyar conductor holds out
his hand to me pay my fare. but II he
oyerlooks me am nickle ahead
The Washington herald., 1914-08-16
THE STORY OF A CENT

Ezra HoIdfast was a justice Of the
peace for the County of Brown. and
resided in the village of Homer.
1t was said of the Squire that while
he was strictly honest he would pinch
the date off a cent-meaning thereby
that he was inclined to the strictest
economy.
Moses Babbit was a deacon OF the
church, owned a sand bank and a lime
kiln. and was a resident of the same
village.
1t was said of him that he compelled
his wife to drink up the milk that
soured that it might not be wasted.
and that he had never been known to
give his dog a feed from his own table.
The two men had known each other
for many years. and had done business
together many times with perfect sat
istaction, when there came a morning
that they met and the Squire asked:
Say, Moses, have you got any lime
on hand?" i
Plenty, Ezra-plenty."
How much a bushel?'
Fifteen cents"
There was no need Of asking the
question or of answering it. Lime
had always been Is cents g bushel It
had never been Is nor IL. 1t looked a
bit as If the Squire was suspicious that
the Deacon might spring a raise on
him unless he had a price in advance.
7 want to put some in my hog pen"
Nothing better"
"A bushel for Is cents. eh7"
That's the price"
Good weight?"
"of course"
IAN right. IN send a boy for
bushel Fifteen cents, sh, Lsmms
The Washington herald., 1914-08-16

standing the house on its head for two
or three weeks, but he had got the best
OF her. Breakfast and dinner would be
served at the usual hours. and he
wouldn't have to climb over scrub
brooms. mop-sticks and pals OF water
to get in or out Of the house He was
using the duster about as a lahorcr uses
crowbar, and iattering himself that
the house would soon 20 to rack with
out him. when some movement caused
the foot OF the ladder to slip Mr.. Bow
ser let fall the duster and grabbed
something but It was too late He felt
himself going. and he yelled Murder"
He heard the cat patterinG in over the
bare floor. and he heard Mrs. Bowser on
the stairs. and then ne landed some
where and saw stars and suns and moons
dancing before his eyes. and the sound
Of many wheels going around was in
his ears. lie wasn't dead. He hadn't
even broken a leg. He opened his eyes
to find his head and shoulders on the
floor and his feet slanting up on the
haystack OF a carpet As he lay thus
for moment he heard the cook asking
in an awed voice:
rs he dead at last?"
And Mrs. Bowser's voice was also plain
as she answered:
I don't think so. I think he turned
over twice on his back. Keep the cat
away while fan him"
Then Mr.. Bowser lost sight OF stars and
suns and moons, and the sound OF wheels
dled away. and he returned to conscious
ness and the United States. lie took
one leg down Mt a time, and then slowly
and with becoming dignity stood up and
leaned against the wall. The cook with
drew, and the cat walked away, and Mrs
Bowser was left face to face with what
ever might come. 1t was not long COM
ing
Z see! understand whispered Mr.
Bowser, as he nodded his head.
'You-you had a fall"
Yes. attempted assassination! Who
sneaked down here and kicked that step
ladder from under me? Who. saw
who! who! who" And. pointing the ac-
cusing finger OF Justice at Mrs, Bowser,
he slowly and laboriously climbed his
way upstairs and left her with her con-
science.
The Washington herald., 1914-08-16

he never said a word about it,
And only last Sunday he dropped 80
cents in the box for the heathen"'
That's the way with our debt-shrik-
ers. Hadn't I orter do something?"
Why. of course you had. Go right
back and dun him.
BY cripes, / WILL"
while a cent is a cent, Moses, you
are looking at the principle Of the thing
That's II, Eunice-that's It."
A man who'll try to beat you out Of a
cent will try to steal your hos"
He will-hs willr'
And you go to Squar' Holdfast's once
'and tell him So
Il will"
And the Deacon went back and walked
in on the Squire and said:
Ezra, 1 want that cent?"
What cent?
You were a cent short on the lime"
"Lemme see? Was L.
You know you was! Don't try to
beat mer
The Deacon's tones and attitude were
insulting, and the Squire blazed up and
roared:
Don't talk to me like that Deacon,
you are a mighty small-souled man to
walk half mile to dun a man for a
cent?
But you owe IL and won't pay!"
Your old lime was short weight and
not up to strength. wasn't going 10
say nothing about II, but being you have
acted so mean / will say further-pll
never pay that cent-neverE'
Then III sue you!" shouted the
Deacon"
Sue and be hanged to youi"
"squar', II I wasn't q church MEM
bar"
And II wasn't"
And It was soon known all over the
village what had occurred. and some folks
were saying.
Just think Of Il! squar' Hardfast
owes money and refuses to payr'
And others we're saying:
'pid lyou ever hear fhs irk.s os n
The Washington herald., 1914-08-16

When the rest Of the world cleaned
house last spring. Mrs. Bowser decided to
let the job wait until early falL-The
other day she also decided that the pro-
pitious moment had arrived, and as Mr..
Bowser sat reading and smoking she
asked
would you mind IL we had breakfast
half an hour earlier than usual?''
Il guess not. But why?' he queried in
reply.
ing tomorrow. I've got two women and
a man coming to help me, and I want to
get an early start"
Two women and a man, eh?" he mused
as he laid down his paper. Two wome.
and a man, and II will take you a month"
''oh, no; hope TO get through in three
days"
In other words, Mrs. Bowser this
house is to be upset from cellar 10 garnet
for the next three days in order that
man and two women may loaf around and
charge you g a day apiece for II! That's
your way exactly. BY gum, but 1 don't
believe there's another woman like you
on EARTH
Haven't got to clean house?" she
asked.
Yes, things have got to be tumbIed
over once q year. buppOset Dul OOu I
propose TO be upset for three or four days
nor pay out $50 in cash. What house
cleaning is wanted around here can be
done in one hour by the clock. and I'm
the person to do Il. / want exercise to
work of about three pounds OF superiu-
Gus flesh. I'll change my clothes and be
ready in five minutes"
But you can't clean house" pleaded
Mrs. Bowser as she barred his way up
stairs. Just let II go. I've thought OF
another plan. III do It, one room at a
time, and all by myself"
What's the matter that I can't clean
house? You watch my smoke and see.
We won't have any puttering around
about II. There's no use for you to spend
a week over what / can do in an hour.
I'll take the parlor first, and you needn't
worry"
Mrs. Bowser dropped into a chair with
groan, and Mr.. Bowser jumped into
an old suit and was down stairs with
the stepladder in ten minutes. The
family cat came up from the kitchen and
saw him in his shirt sleeves and a grim
look on his face. and she quietly slipped
under the lounge TO be clear OF the
shower when the splinters began to fly.
"A man and two women. Ell? Three
days and $50 expense to clean a house!
Kindly keep track OF my motions!'
And with five twists and a yank Mr..
Bowser had the furniture out OF the
The Washington herald., 1914-08-16

chair and shivered 1t. but the shiveI
didn't reach Mrs. Bowser, and he had
nothing to complain OF.
The cat purred and grinned as she
looked out from her lair. Things were
getting interesting. They got more in
teresting as Mr. Bowser loaded up with
rugs and came staggering in to trip over
his own feet and come down on his
knees and roll over on the broad OF his
back.
IL thought you had gone through the
cellar" said Mrs. Bowser as she came
hurrying down stairs.
And suppose l had he demanded as
he struggled up. I'm bossing this Job,
and IL ] want To break through the floor
that's my business. You see what I've
accomplished. don't you: In twenty-five
minutes I've done more house-cleaning
than you and your crowd could have ac-
complished in three days. Don't come
interfering. / know my gait"
The rooms having been cleared OF furnI-
ture, the next thing in order was to take
up the carpet. Some folks waste time by
prying out the tacks, but there Is an
other way, and Mr.. Bowser caught on at
once. Having got a corner loosened, he
seized the border in both hands and
heaved and tugged. and there was a rip,
rip! rip. all along the Dashboard All
he had TO do was to walk around the
room and heave away. Some men would
have folded the carpet over and rolled
II up when II was free from the floor.
but Mr.. Bowser didn't He drew It along
like a haystack. As a sort OF grand
wind-up and to reduce the height OF the
pile he fell on It. Two yells and a whoop
followed, and the sounds jumped the cat
from under the lounge and brought Mrs,
Bowser down stairs on wings He badn',
meant to yell when he fell foul Of the
tAcks and imagined for a minute that he
had kicked over q bumble-bee's nest, but
he was taken by surprise. However.
Mrs. Bowser found him on his feet ana
10 preserve a calm and care
less demeanor. and she would only re-
mark:
Tt must have been cats fighting in the
back yard. see you've got the Garnet
up. The next thing is to dust the ceIlInn
I'll get you a feather-duster"
The Washington herald., 1914-08-16

to this Senatorial life. Did you want 70
ask me anything in particular
I do. You are being charged with"
Hold on a minute, please. Do you
know II the country schoolrra ans are as
pretty as they used 10 be?''
Just the same"
'Lordy. but how used to fall in love
with them and lose my sleep. Do they
use the CAD on the bad boys as they
once did -
Il believe So"
l"And the boys play pull away at re-
cess
Yes"
Dear me. but the good old days can
never come back for me. and il makes
me sad. I Judge you came here to ask
me some questions"
OF course I did
You have hoed corn. take it:
CSIlcnceI.
And husked corn"
jSilence)
And stolen harvest apples and mel
ons?'
Disguised silence).
And taken a girl sliding down hiI?''
The T. d. .. Man rose up.
And cracked hickory nuts and drank
cider"
The p. n. Q. Man fed.
Senator Root Is a dunn. mean man.
THE p. D. G. MAN.