davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington herald., 1914-11-29

Taylor! You are a gentleman and a
| hero as any one can see. and il You and
Sarah want to make n match of it l
| shan't have no objections"
The old man was down in the cornfield
and didn't come up for several hours.
and during the interval Sarah and I sat
under the apple tree and talked f
knights and chevaliers and poetry. II
held her hand II was only in a perfume
tory way. When the father showed up
with a hoe on his Shoulder and was told
OF my heroism, he dropped the hoe and
fell upon my neck and said:
BY hen, stranger, but / allus said that
Sarah would find a husband that way!
Take her and be happyr'
II didn't like the way things were
shaping" said the c O. d. man with a
sigh, but / couldn't help myself. Sarah
was romantic and the old folks were
grateful. and before bedtime they had
1t all settled. I was to marry Sarah
and we were to run the farm until 1
got ready to remove her to my castle.
As / sat with the girl in the twilight,
had to put my arm around her and
quote Byron I really had to. had
to indulge in n lot OF other nonsense.
and keep back the fact that l had The
toothache and backache, and wishing I
was asleep under a haystack. When
sleeping room in the house, but 1 didn't
go to bed. ] slipped out OF a window
and found my old clothes on the clothes
line, and when I had changed into them.
took my departure from the house and
farm and walked three miles befoEe bur-
rowing into an old stack OF straw.
Yes, the hero made a sneak and in
his going he was bitten by the farmers
dog who had no romance about him. as
fell over the fence into the highway
landed on top OF a hog and was fairly
rooted on my way. The hog had never
met with a chevalier before and wasn't
posted on etiquette. ! expect there was
surprises and disappointments In the
castle Of Farmer Taylor next morning.
but 1t was better thus. AS Weary Will
lam, L. don't care for farmwork; as a
dilapidated gentleman. was through
with the romance OF love. and had my
honor to sustain. Poor Sarah, She may
be sitting on the banks Of the Wabash
today wanting TO fall in and be res
cued again, but cometh not.
The Washington herald., 1914-11-29
A SCHEME THAT FAILED.

Now. DOCTOR" said the caller as he
began To remove his coat and vest. 7
want you to give me a thorough phys
ical examination"
Il guess there's no chance to ring in
any visits on you," remarked the physi-
cian twenty minutes later. why, you've
got the constitution Of an OK"
That's what wanted to know,
chuckled the caller. Now, IL I had to
go without food for a couple Of days,
could I stand the strain all right?''
Yes, you could stand a week of star
vation. But why do you ssk?"
We'll, I'll tell you, doc. I am a col
lector for Bings & Bings, whom you owe
a little bill Of SIS"
They'll never get it. the Frauds
That's what they told me, doc. but l
am no ordinary collector, you Sec I
set the dough, where the dub gives up"
''Oh. you do, eh?"
You bet!" exclaimed the caller, light
ing cigar and making himself comfort
able on the doctors sofa: Now, my
me over and assured me that a little
starvation won't hurt Inc in the least,
and so I propjOse to recIine right here
until You settle that bill"
"But suppose call the doS?"
Il kill half = dozen OF 'em every day
That's part OF my business, you know.
Great scheme. isn't it, doc? Splendid
idea 70 have you look me over SO thar
you would know what a powerful fellow
am?"
Very good" smiled the physician.
but there's one bad flaw in. it."
'oh, there Is? Where does the IA NJ
come iR?''
WHY. you forget that my examinatio,
fee is s." You can take Bings < Bincs'
account out CT that II ycu Wish"
And the. Sresttallen eVllecirr left The
The Washington herald., 1914-11-29

some of you think you can box a bit
And as / was resuming my apparel
he slips me the fifteen plunks and pats
me on the back and says:
I'D. G. (dilapidated Kentleman), il
wasn't my papa's favorite son and my
mama's joy I'd hitch up with you and
we'd travel together and have barrels
of fun. AS it is, I'm stuck here. But
take your sugar and go forth, with
my blessings hitched behind YOU
'T was making a tour of Indiana
three years ago this summer" continued
the c. o. d. man as he bowed his
thanks for the quarter received, land /
came along to a branch of the Wabash
and sat down in the shade of a high
way bridge Just below me sat a young
woman with a fish-pole in her hand. 1
watched her about ten minutes without
her being aware Of my presence, and
then a calamity happened. She got a
bite, and hei feet slipped as she strug-
gled with the fish, and next minute she
was padding H. the water and shrIeIing
for help OF course any tramp would
nave done as ! did. I went off the
bridge head-bTst SWAN down to the girl,
and soon towed her ashore. Aside from
getting wet and having a scare, she
was none the worse for the accident,
but as soon as she could get her breath
she began praising my heriosm and de-
clarins that had saved her life.
tried to claw off, but she wouldn't have
it. She was q country school teacher
with a good command OF language, and
she made Zero Of me in spite of all
could do.
IF ever write a book I shalt take
care that my hero and heroine keen
clear of the water. That school ma'am
was one OF the wettest and most bed
raggled objects you ever saw, and /
must have locked just as bad, and II
vas absurd to talk Of heroism with the
water squashing out Of our shoes. Her
hair was. down and there was grass
cltnging to her back. and she had run the
END of-her rose into a mud bank, but
she saw tn romance Of II all the same.
Having saved her from the river 1 could
do no less than accompany her home. a
distance CT hall mile. to keep the cows /
from eating her up. On the way she
leaned heavily on my arm, ana signed
ard now and then she hinted how grace
ful she was. I tried to keep the CONVEX
The Washington herald., 1914-11-29

realized that every old man and woman
in the world would sell their only pair
OF shoes to BE- made young again He
saw mat a million OF dollars could get
control OF the discovery. and before you
could count one hundred his telegram
was On the way. A million dollars bought
IT, Sr' end before you. stands the only
man IN the world legally entitled to over
haui the ETnpbatic glands of the goat,
and turn feSble old age info boundJ,s
youth. Your hand. sir. ConEratulate me
fou are man about ffty years old.
ana you walk as II you had q lame back
inside OF mcnth I'll knock thirty wears
on yor age and have you lodging four
cable cars at once"
Do you pay me or no."
And just as you came in I had I'm
lsned drawing up the articles of Incor-
poration- They are here. and I'll put you
GOWN as one or the corporators. What
do you think Of the Hypodermic I.vm-
phatic Rejuvenator Company. canItaIyzs5
at S2o.ooo,OO0 That's the name and vo,,
come in on the ground floor with me
In other words, you are taken in and
taken care Of The Offices are all filled
but I'll present you with 5000 worth
OF stock and guarantee 10 per cent div
'idends. Scrape up every cent You can
and invest II in stock at 20 per cent Of
par value and inside OF two years you'u
be rich enough to corner the calfskin
market. II you lack three or four dol
lars IN lend them to you Raise $lOO,-
OO0-S2O. .O0O-s1O. .OO0"
IF you don't pay me now how can
raise some money! asked the shoe
maker
Then put in $5.OO0-S2, ,OOO-S,OOo. Man
alive, can't you see the financial possi-
bilities-can't you realize that every drop
OF that Emphatic fluid Is worth so in
gold to us? All we've got to do is to
buy the goats and the syringes and sell
the fluid in bottles and let the people
hypodermic themselves. Goats can be
bought for s. i piece as they run. Every
goat has two lymphatic glands Any
butcher will take the fluid from those
glands for 3 cents. and the fluid Is worth
anywhere from $1,000 to $25O.O00 People
who are only fairly well on can have
II for $1,000. but in the case Of Carne-
gle, Rockefeller. Vanderbilt and so on
We ask any price We wish Why, man.
go home and sch your furniture, mort
gage voUr tools borrow Of vOUr friends
The Washington herald., 1914-11-29

No! brutally told you that any lady who
would walk around the block bare
footed ought &c have seventeen sick
headaches. e;Id l left you to the mercy
q the cook ana bounced on to the club.
Mrs. Bowser. can you-will you-ha!
What's that?"
Mr.. Bowser stood stiiy erect in the
middle Of the room and pointed to one OF
hthe back windows. The cat stood beside
him and looked In the same direction
Yes, the glars is cracked said Mrs
Bowser. "A boy threw a stone from the
alley"
Cracked! Ruined! DESTROYED hoarse-
ly whispered Mr.. Bowser. with his finger
still pointing. And This Is the way you
run my house! This Is the way my wife
looks after my interests
But a boy threw a stone" she pro-
tested.
"A boy! A stoneI And you were right
here?"
Yes: but how could I help it,"
How do help IL? Are stones thrown
when I am here? Fifty dollars worth
OF glass ruined through your want Of
care! It's no use-no useE'
That pane only cost IS cents, and say
that can't stand in the alley and prevent
boys from throwing
Mrs. Bowser. We need no discuss the
matter further" he said, as he turned
away. 'I came here with heart full OF
love and kindness 70 find my home q
scene Of ruin and desolation. This ends
our going West"
But you won't give up the trip be-
cause a boy cracked a pane OF glass. will
you?''
Il will. The trip is on. There will be
no Frisco, for US. It is not the broken
glass look at. but the principle OF the
thing. As a wife and housekeeper you
are a fiat failure. For anything you
might do to prevent. this house could be
torn down and carted on by hoodlums!"
But how foolish Of"
That Will do, woman-that will do!
have given you trial after trial. and II
has always resulted the same way-ruin
and desolation. have no doubt the back
The Washington herald., 1914-11-29
THE BOWSER FAMILY
Why They Won't Go to the Frisco Expo

lose your temper. Mrs. Bowser, do you
know that sometimes believe you are
an angel from heavenT'
But you mustn't believe IL" she re-
piled. beginning to be a bit alarmed
over his goody-goodness.
But do. am an old kicker and
faulthnder and deserve to be booted, and
you are an angel OF earth and deserve
forty gold; medals for living with me-
And. so We can AFFORD to go to San
Franctsc can we?" she asked, hoping
- turn the conversation.
You bet Frisco for three months,
and wen live on the fat Of the land
darling, do you know / was thinking Of
a little incident In our lives as / came
up on the car IL was about our playing
sUchre one evening. Do you remember
that ycj beat me seven straight games
and how mad Z got? called you a cheat
and swindier. and kicked over chairs
and said I'd get a divorce, and you
yOu--'
"oh. I've forgotten" she laughed.
DO you think we'll be ready to start
for Frisco in timer"
''of course. but I want to talk about
that game Of euchre. even tried TO
make you believe that an ace would take
the joker, Ha. ha, ha! As look back
and remember how mean was wonder
that you didn't pick up a chair and fell
me to the floor II would have served
me just right Is II any wonder that
when ] thinl Of these things I call you
an angel?"
You are a dear. good man, and let's
talk OF the wardrobe ] am TO get fl
have TO have four or five dresses
made"
And about oul old love letters" he
interrurtcd as he began to walk about
There isn't tn. least doubt that ! wrote
heap Of silly nonsense. but on two or
three occasions when you have said /
did ! cot In2d and raised a row. Yes.
sir. remember OF one letter In which I
said ! had kissed the tracks you left in
cranberry swamp. and yet when you
told mt Of ii / howIed about divorce
My dear angel, can you ever pardon
me-' b.
The Washington herald., 1914-11-29
THE G. O. D. MAN
He Re'ates Some Happenings by the Wayside

ID. G. Cdilapidated gentleman) hits me
! to a dot," says I.
And you've got biceps?"
Feel and see. Reaching out for nickels
| for the last fifteen years has given me
the. muscles of Sandow. Best thing IN
\ the world for shoulder ex rcise"
And, being a dilapidated gentleman,
you ought to know how to ut I'D your
dukes"
Il put 'em up and tapped him one, two.
| three on the chin
"Good!" says he. Il belong to an S. s.
S. (swagger swell seO club down here,
and a galoOt with a lisp smashed my nose
with the gloves half an hour ago. 1 want
revenge. II you'll knock his eyenows or
I'll cough up V. 1 can run you in all
right. and want you to dope him"
Its five to dope the chap wi.S the
lisp" says ], but how much TO blum the
whole clubroom into their boots?"
Can you do it?"
Il think I can"
Lord. II you only couId-if you only
could! There's a dozen husky scrappers
there tonight, and IL you blum 'em it's
fifteen plunks In your inside pocket"
He lodged me into the club and into a
dressing room, and when was ready for
the ring he introduced me as his cousin
Sam. OF Pittsburgh. / had on a pair of
eyeglasses. and my hair was brushed
back over my marble ears, and looked
professorish. They picked out the cham
piou scrapper of the club to wallop me,
and when he got into the ring he says:
you've got your glasses on
"Of course" says /
But that amt regular"
I'm nigh-sighted and always box with
my winl1ers on. You 60 right ahead and
never mind EN-
IN be hanged IL l do" says he as he
crawIs under the ropes
Then they got i'm another chan. but
he had only pulled one glove on when
he looked over at me and sees me sit
ting cross-lesged and a smile on my
face. aud he says:
Not any for Joe. / knows a tidal
wave when / sees il, and I don't
banker after six months in the hos
pitalr'
THE catosh Young man who had
picked me up offers. $50. $50. $50 for
anybody to stand before me for three
rounds. but the crowd shake their
heads and wait for something easy. 1t
was the eyeglasses. you know reg
ular ice-cold bluff-and they swallow
ed fl down and had goosefiesh all
over 'em.
Being as this crowd don't seem to
want anything in particular Of my
Cousin SAM says young catosh after
awhile. and being my Cousin Sam has
three or four important engagements
on hand. win withdraw him till
The Washington herald., 1914-11-29

The editor Of this paper, while on his
way to the postoffice the other day, was
picked of his feet and thrust head first
into an empty barrel in front of StronG's
grocery. The thruster was Albert Green
who had been drinking and was In a
jokeful mood. We trust 1t may not hap
pen again. The position was undignified
We are informed that five new build
ings will be erected in Boomville next
year unless another worldwide panic
sets in. and without undue eXultation We
ask where there is another town in this
county with such prospects ahead Of It?
Come to Boomville II you want to be in
the rush.
We want wood on subscription; but, as
our office stove is only nineteen feet
long, we must gently request our toll
hardeneA farmers not TO bring in any
more fuel measuring twenty feet in
length. We are not a captious editor,
but We look to the eternal fitness Of
things.
We received a call a day or two since
from Mr.. Sam Norton, who lost Il dol
lar on Main street Il few weeks ago, and
has not recovered 1t up TO date. He
may never recover ii, but he had the
consolation Of knowing that the dis
honest finder will not go to heaven along
with the rest of US.
1t now transpires that Mr.. John Girls
combs year-old baby did not swallow q
pair OF scissors, as stated in our last
issue. What 1t got away with was half
dozen tGcks and aNbrass thirnblc, but
the doctor anticipates no maiign results
Boomville cherubs have healthy aPpe-
tites.
An item in CUR columns last week stated
that Mrs General Dcyo Of this town
was formerly a ballet girl in the East
The idea was 10 increase her social pres
tige here at home, but, as she and her
husband have filed vigorous objections,
we make our humble apology and truEt
The Washington herald., 1914-11-29

They call me the C o. D. tramp be,
cause it's always cash on delivery with
me-that is. deliver my tale of misfor.
tun~ and expect the cash u follow
Never crowd myself in among gentlemen
unless strongly urged, and never affiliate
with other tramps when l can find G
straw stack for myself. Consider my.
self a good deal of an aristocrat, and
when collared by the police 1 fall back
upon my blue blood and dignity. instead
jail 4 score of times for vagrancy, but
have always emerged with new aims
and ambitions, and my moral standard
as bright as ever. Have now and then
1illc.I positions of trust-that is, the chief
of police or sheriff trusted me to get OUT
side the county lines within two hours,
and ! have always done my level best
10 accomplish the fact and prove the
staunchness OF my principles.
"A county Jail or u State house of
correction is not always a .ad thing
to take. providing his honor doesn't
make the visit too long-gives a travel
ing gentleman frequent chances at the
bathtub and an excelsior 1attress, and
the change of diet always braces him
uT Certain cure for core feet, and after
Il gentleman has had the burs and
thistles scraped of his back, and got the
weeds and straw out of his hair. he feels
more like picking up the classic again.
Officials Of prison don't always recog-
niZe an aristocrat at first sight and trea
hiT. accordingly. but ! have never paid
a second visit to an institution Of the
sor- without being more or less gladly
welcomed.
Il was hanging about Philadelphia the
other week, and making more or IS Of
a success OF my {. u. D. system, when
! meet up with a catosh you Jhc
evening. l could tell that he belonged -
he -vp- - a
block away. He had the look of a young
man with 4 rich paLa. a loving motnc
and mouth for champagne. ] stops hin
and begins my little story. which IncIddcs
thirteen misfOrtunes and a chunk Of ic-
gratitude as big as house. when he cuts
in with:
STOW it. Gully. Where was you born?"
In th lap Of luxury" says l.
How was you brought up?"
'On an allowanc OF $500 a month"
Where's your palace carr"
switched on and left behind"
And your vaiet?"
Dropped dead OF heart disease .he
other day. and I'm afraid can't fill his
place"
Look here, Gully" he goes on, breath
Ing extra dry champagne all over the
block and taking up mil ion dollar attl-
tude, Il think knows dilapidated ger
Heman when sees cne."
The Washington herald., 1914-11-29

or do anything else to get hold OF a few
thousand dollars. II you let the oppor-
tunity slip
'T will see some law about dot bill-'
interrupted the shoemaker as he moved
towards the door.
And come back with your money and
secure your stock as soon as possible, -
continued the major as he followed him.
The scheme will be a regular bomb in
the financial world The stock will be
subscribed for a thousand times over.
and I want your money in hand so that
you can be sure OF a good thing. Sir.
I congratulate you'll congrat-Going?
Well, good day. and don't come back
without the money-d-o-n-'t do it,
81 vhill come back nit some law und
constables," shouted the shoemaker as
the door closed on him: but the grand
promoter was to busy to reply.
The Washington herald., 1914-11-29

sation on catfish. the cause of education
and the price of land, but she was all
for romance. When we reached the
house her mother came running out, and
l was introduced.
Mother. here is the gentleman who
Jumped of the bridge and saved my life
at the risk of his own. But for his hero
ism I should now be a drifting corpse
Wall, did I ever!" exclaimed the
The Washington herald., 1914-11-29

Mrs. Bowser was In the front hall
looking around to see II there was q
pin or a shirt button lying around loose
for Mr.. Bowser TO stumble over and
read her a lesson on extravaganza, when
he comes running up the steps and al
most took the door OF its hinges as he
entered. ..-..-
What on earth-"she started to say.
when he seized her in his. arms and
The Washington herald., 1914-11-29

"Of course. Won't you tell me how
Ions it takes t" go to Frisco?''
About five days. l think. And there's
another thing | want to refer TO. One
day l c3mC home and found you on the
lounge with . sick headache. You tried
to get up and welcome me, but you could
not. You were dreadfully sick, but did
pity you? Did I sympathize with you?
Did l order yoU tea and toast and sit
beside you as a decent husband should?
The Washington herald., 1914-11-29

fence is broken down. the woodshed car
ried of and most of the foundations of
the house removed Our money will be
needed right here for repairs. I am now
going for n little STROLL and should any
one call and ask for me you can say I
may not be at home until noon toner
row."
But how can you blame me?"
Woman. the subject is closed Good
evening to you-good evening""
The Washington herald., 1914-11-29

mother as she threw up her hands and
rushed into the house and put me into
suit Of her husbands clothes in a way
to make my hi ad swim. 1 tried to ex-
plain to her that ] was only tramp. Just
a dilapidatsd gentleman. walking up and
down the Hoosier State for the benefit
OF his health. but she stood OF with her
hands on her hips and replied:
II like a modest. Undetermined man,
but don't attempt to deceive Nary Jane
The Washington herald., 1914-11-29
BONNEVILLE HOMELETS

that she was leading lady instead OF
a ballet girl.
The Washington herald., 1914-11-29

no use. Der womans looks at me little
While und den puts on her shoe und
says:
When you goes by State Prison. und
your family vhas in der poor house,
maype you vhill realize your wickedness
Norwich bulletin., 1914-04-17
FUN ERALS.
William C. Chandler.

The funeral of William c. Chandler who died in Schenectady, N. Y, Mon day, was held at the home of Thomas c. Chandler in Flanders at 2 o'clock Thursday afternoon. Rev. William F Rowley of the Baptist church in this city officiated. The bearers were Ed ward Stiles. Sanford Herendeen, Charles Merrill and Frank Merrill Burial was in the WilHmantic ceme- tery, in charge of Funeral Director Jay NJ. Shepard
 Miss Charlotte Wheeler.
 The funeral of Miss Charlotte Wheeler was held from her home in Mansfield Depot at Il o'clock Thurs day morning. The high regard enter tained for the deceased was evidenced by the number attending and the beau tiful floral offerings. The bearers were C. E. Botham l.. Thompson, H. Osterhout, G. Service and Fred Ser vice. Rev. MT. MacFarlane offfciated. The arrangements were in charge of Funeral Director Jay M Shepard. Burial was in Storrs cemetery.
 Alice E. Mott.
 The funeral of Alice Elizabeth Mott was held Thursday afternoon at 3 o'clock from her residence on Lewiston avenue, Rev. w. s. Beard officiating. The bearers were Charles and George Kramer of Colchester, William Kramer of Norwich and Edward F. Kramer of this city Burial was in the Willi- mantle cemetery in charge of Under taker Hiram N. F'enn.