davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1914-02-03
THE MUSE.
HOW MoILY GoEs 10 RE

HOW MOLLY GOES TO BED.
First into the mirror she
Stares with long. appraisine look;
Satisfied she seems to be,
For she yawns and scans a book, !
Next a peck Of pins she takes x4.3sss
From the Jungle Of her, hair; .s.
This from tangles then she shakes
And f%estoons 1t on a chair!
Then she sits upon the floor,
Who're she finds a printed scrap,
Reads 1t closely, yawns some more,
Puts her stockings in her lap,
Yawns, gets up and takes a brush,
Brushes her own native locks
For an hour-he will not rush
For the midnight tolling clocks!
She her folding bed lets down.
Looks beneath It for q thief,
Then, disrobed. puts on her gown
With q sigh of great relief.
Going in a whirl Of lace,
She her mirror tells good night,
Puts some cold cream on her face.
Says her prayers-out goes tn,
light!
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1914-02-03

ing bell. AT tho end Of this time it was
heard no more in the early watches Of
the morning. but Mrs. Wakefield fan.
cied several times that. she detected
the muffled sound Of its alarm to-
ware evening. When questioned ON
the subject Dinah said with a shake
Of her dusky head:
We'll. Miss Wakefield. NAH nerves
ain berry strong, as yo' know. an dat
alarm clock -tes' riled 'em all up. I
Kin stand it in de ebenin' fust rate.
but ter be woke up sudden upsets me:
so I jes' sets 1t TO- de ebenin' stead
OBJ de mawnin'. an 1t goes Off an
doan's disturb nobody"
She-Here's a story Of a man out
west who traded his wife off for a
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1914-02-03
4 A Few Humorous Stories ;.

A famous labor leader got into an
argument with a banker.
AT the end Of one of the bankers
assertions the labor leader retorted
gaylS:
1T is possible to say a good word
for almost any state of things. isn't it?
j remember once, in a very untidy
chop house in Syracuse. hearing a
guest exclaim, as he took up a soiled
bill of fare:
"'By Jove, what an excellent idea
samples Of the various dishes glued
to the menu!'"
For a week after Mrs. Wakefield
gave her colored cook an alarm clock
the family was awakened each day
at 6 a. m. by the clang Of its resound-
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1914-02-03

or spoken. not a sign to tell whence
it had come. But Veronica thought
she knew. His eyes and mouth. look
ed as If he would be likely to do
something of this kind. OF course
she must never let him do it again.
but 50 long as he had she might as
Well bsncft by it. And So she ate
such a breakfast as she had not tast-
cd since her last visit to the aunt IN
the country. who maintained n kind of
jurisdiction over her,
mere was enough food to last all
day. That evening when the halls
We're empty and everybody In the
house was seeking dinner. Veronica
carried the clean pail across to tho
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1914-02-03

II Colonel Goethals. ever becomes
the police commissioner Of New
York he will have to dig more dirt
than he did on the Panama isthinus.
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1914-02-03

One can't help wondering whether
they'll collect penny deposits on that
new trolley line from Jerusalem 70
Bethlehem for transfers to Jerico.
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1914-02-03

horse. You wouldn't trade rue for a
horse, would you. darling?
He-Of course not. But I'd hate to
have any n tempt me with a good
motor a ~ as
Murphy was assistant cook on board
a trooper" bound for India. The first
out after : breakfast, consequently
there were tea leaves on the surface
Of the soup when dinner was served.
To clear himself Of the blame he went
to the respective messes and said:
IF e fotnd any tay leaves in tho
soup you'll know it's mint"
In, q certain small English village
there were two butchers living on the
sage at l shilling a pound. and the
rival promptly, placed s pence on his
card. Number one hen placed a no.
uce In his window, saying that sau-
sages under ] shilling could not be
guaranteed. Number two,s response
to this was the announcement: 81
have supplied sausages to the kind"
In number ones window the follow
ing morning appeared an extra large
: card bearing tho words: God Save
the King"
Mrs. Suburbs-Do you still, receive
that dreadful Mrs. Comealwus at your
at-homes?
Mrs. Tiptop-Inpossible to get her
to take a hint. Do YOU know. when
she called I never offered her a chair.
Mrs. Suburbs-And what was the
result?
Mrs. Tiptop-Resu1t? Why, the next
time h came she brought q folding
camp stool with her.
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1914-02-03

a reformer never believes in him
self as much as he wants others to he.
lieve in him.
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1914-02-03
UNSEEN FORCES.

& The emperor Of Germany has sent
this greetings across the Atlantic by
wireless to the president OF the Uni
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1914-02-03

Who heads the n%ew-born Fed
eralS-those lusty baseball rebs
who'd have the Zig League maes
to know they're not the only
pebs? Who's out TO show the
bunch that up tn date has run
tho game it really never did ac-
dnirc the patent rights to same?
Who signs up every other day q
Tinker or Il Brown and promises
by summer time a lineup of re-
nown? Who's got Ban johnson
worried So he does not sleep o.
nights. while Charlie Murphy
walks the floor and clamors for
his rights? Who's looming up as
less a joke to Hermann and his
elan than when his lid first struck
tho ring? That James A. Gilmore
lmnn.
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1914-02-03
When the Husband Leaves No Will
f f. X, wooley,,

q ! J; ! ! !: ! ] ! !! 8 !: !; ] 8: J ! !; : ! :; !; ! !; !: !: ; ) ) ! !: !: : : : : :
IL n'| pVotnerS me sisters ma m TEST
MAP OF am ae As good as thu average
nTM hut when it comes to a dead mans
~ IT property. I've seen some of the
- greed that develops.
V~ Recently Il man in New York
-k7L@- state left his widow without pro-
7I@Es vision He left both real and per-
2% sonal prorerty-enough, to take
Ito her.. b.- though she had asked him to make n will he M aIwayX
put her off with "A laugh and the ssurancc spy 10 going 10 die vtY
But he did die. unexpectedly. The state law gives Ter MY a third
M interest during LIE. IN tn ra estate. The heir a stepson, who is
We meaII my sets eNerStnins. ne WIDOW is helpless and unless the heir will
eaVe 9 Ter cash fol hr life interest in the property she is destitute.
aturran does not like to remind her husband that he might die before
only a matter OF prudence to attend to such business mattersi In good time.
mt. MA Many ;a a mar with every wish toprotect his wife. hs put Off making
looks down upon this world, and finds his greedy relatives lighting on
the possessions III left it he doesn't Suffer untold mi fr a main ner..
Iict OF II of his chief duties as n usban
n man statest The husbands personal Reconsideration often non
70 nor than his real estate and which, in la cases., is all that he
caves. may be divided among all hsl legal heirs, which includes all his
ts saI a s sIpesdeas ms cnlIdrren. In Illinois have witnessed a scene where
that re t hsoan no nj : ro.ne M no oh, lmpatiently awaited the mans death s 70
ante nteda among his fleets; They did it too, regardless of the wifes wishes
Ior natural rights. while his body still lay in the house.
n @ thu best states for womans property rights is Ohio. Husband
am VIE have equal dover rghts-the onethird life interest III real cstate
II inc husoand DIES without a Wills n there arc n children, the wife is
t% rga w Hr to % an an MS property. ral and personal. II there are children,
absolute possession of the personal property. ~N
IN huspand Ia exactly the same rights in the wneis property. x@
1T seems IL placing n premium o chidlessness, Though It. ia a. iuA.
err than ma ybe found in most O the states. - 80
should be made the sole heir as some small recompense for ali h hat s..
property of any kind, % reconpense a wife fol- lei share Of the the u nrdan
bearing. 'o ""ue"-
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1914-02-03
yABlk TAX

The Comedy Aerobat-I seen 4.
cheese 1t the poor food show that
Tbs Soubsstte-our nrst- comedian
~ we!ghs about . hundred A.
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1914-02-03

A. smart woman can learn things
from a man that he doesn't even
know.
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1914-02-03

Some men try to hide their light
under a buhsel. while some others
make a fireworks display.
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1914-02-03

One can lead a double life on q, sim
gle salary, but it is a lot of trouble.
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1914-02-03

1t has been said hat women never
love as deeply as men-prohably be-
cause there is so little to furnish the
inspiration.
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1914-02-03

Some peoples only aim in life seems
to be to throw mud.
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1914-02-03
. = .
POINTED PARAGRAPHS.

=
Not all men of single ideas are
bachelors.
1t is better to be Oh pleasure bent
titan on duty broke.
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1914-03-27
Facts VS.. Fancies.

Richard LIE Gallienne was sympa-
thizing with a young writer whose
book of poetry had been refused by
IL publishers.
Real lovers of poetry" said Mr..
LIE Gallienne, ARE unfortunately be-
coming rare. Too many people now
adavs are like the judge.
"This judge was recommended by
poetic friend to read Shelley. The
great man of the law said he supposed
he ought to read little poetry and,
having heard so much of Shelley, he
would try him.
"And what do you think of it?' said
his friend to the Judge after he had
waded through a few pages of Epi-
psychidion. isn't it beautiful?"
well, well-oh. yes-I dare say 1t
is said the judge, but what l want
to know is, when are we going to get
at the facts?'"
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1914-03-27
Unuracious.

James M. Beck, the attorney for
the sugar trust and many other cor
porations, said at banquet in Wash
ington:
81 am delighted with the administra-
tons amiable attitude toward big
business. Many of us were so ill
informed as to think that the admins
tration would treat big business as the
successful actor treated the needy
one.
Lean and unshaven. with fringed
trouser ends and handkerchief tied
round his neck in lieu of a collar. a
needy actor approached far, success.
full chap who had a horseshoe dia-
mond pin in mis- red necktie and a
sealskin lining to his overcoat.
Pardon me, George said the
needy actor, but there's a piece of
lint on your collar, and can you lend
me a five spot?"
'The successful actor frowned like
a thundercloud.
"'No, l can't he roared, and put
back that piece of lint
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1914-03-27
Good SUGGESTION,

A lecturer on dramatic art was
making tour of the country and was
stranded one night in small western
town. He decided to give his lecture
in the town hall.
His audience consisted of eight
schoolgirls in the front row, and one
lank country youth who sat in the
rear of the hall. The lecture was en-.
livened by numerous quotations, which
were stolidly received until, with a
finger outstretched toward a dimly
burning kerosene lamp, the lecturei
cried:
"Canst see yon light"
He was about to proceed with his
recitation when the young man at the
rear arose from his seat.
II cap see it by squintin'," he called
out, land can smell it without more1
half tryin'! Why don't you blow II
?"-Illustrated Sunday magazine.
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1914-03-27
swell-um-not less than Is lots"

SWell-um-not less than Is lots"
stated Forsythe.
The younger man was silent for a
moment, looking into the beady little
wrinkled eyes of his employer.
"How much profit do you make on
those lots?" he suddenly asked.
Mr.. Forsythe visibly WINGED.
"Profits!" he exclaimed. "Um-you
see, Mr.. Smith, it's impossible to tell
until we're all through. on account
of advertising expenses, cost of SELL
ing, and other items, to say nothing
of the heavy investment in the SITE"
The famous grin sprang into instant
illumination, and scared the astute
Mr.. Forsythe nearly into heart dis
ease.
YES" said the owner Of the grin
with calm Joy. II met the former pro-
prietor of that land out at Sunnyview
just yesterday, and he told me your
exact investment. l think, Mr.. For
sythe, that on Saturday night l am
going to have more salary than have
mentioned; or else may go on a
commission basis"
Napoleon walked up on the moonlit
Hammond porch and found Billy
Peters comfortably located on the
swinging seat with Miss Marjorie.
Come on, Pole" said Marjorie,
moving over. There's always room
for. one more"
Indeed there's not" declared Billy.
moving squarely into the center of the
remaining space. go away, Pole
Smith, I'm making love-"
Napoleon regarded him for a mo
ment with tolerant humor.
"All right, Billy" he agreed.
where's your father. Margie?"
Hes in the library" she replied,
laughing as he had done, at Billy
Peters drawing avowal.
AS he walked away, Marjorie looked
after his tall figure with appreciation.
Isn't he certainly feIlow?' she
observed.
Declared Irregular" announced
Billy cheerfully. Against the rules
to ask any smitten swain to praise
the deadly rival"
BILLY, Billy" she laughed. Don't
you ever think of anything serious?"
In the meantime, Napoleon sought
the library where Captain Hammond,
then porting over his plans for the ex-
tension of the Eureka Iron mills,
arose instantly with smile of pleas
ure and extended his hand.
well, Pole," he said, you got
away from me-"
81 couldn't wait" explained Pole.
How do you like your new placer"
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1914-03-27
went on the captain, Offering him a

went on the captain, offering him a
cigar
"Oh, it's interesting, though I'm not
sure I'd like it for life occupation.
It's wonderful how much business can
be done on a small amount of ready
money. l find Forsythe and Spencer
are swinging that whole Sunnyview
deal on an initial cash payment of a
thousand dollars, mortgage notes for
the balance. They do a big business
in options, too, I've found, and they
make dollar go farther than I'd ever
dreamed it could reach"
You've only known the spending
dollars" returned the captain with a
smile. "A single, ordinary, spending
dollar is of no more use than a safe' y
razor at colored picnic, but bus l.
ness dollar has no time for foolish
ness. I'd like to see you succeed.
Smith. To do that you've got to ap-
preciate that there's no sentiment or
friendship in business. If there is, the
business fails. Remember that, will
your
Pm not likely to forget it," replied
Napoleon seriously. 1T was because
of such lovable weaknesses that my
father failed"
YES" admitted the captain. Your
father always was a sentimentalist,
and he lost many good opportunity
through it. The sooner you get out of
your head, young man, that money
has any emotions, the better off you'll
be-"
Il see." said Napoleon dryly.
"The quicker you see, the better"
insisted the captain, dwelling upon
the subject so strongly that one might
think he had really almost need to de-
fend himself. Where would l have
been if had stopped for such con-
siderations? As it is, / built the Eu-
reka iron mills out of nothing-a lit.
tie bit of 16 by 20 shop, where we
made plain castings-to it's present
20-acre spread. Not only that, but we
must have more room. large additions,
too, right away"
Where is your plant?" asked young
Smith with growing interest
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1914-03-27

PAM was the real estate agent
whose name was on the board, and
with sigh Napoleon saw he had been
correct in his surmise; that the cap.
tain had taken extraordinarily prompt
action.
"A fools Grand" he told himself
He hurried back to the station, where
there was public phone, and called
up Panz's office.
Il understand you have a tract of
land for sale at Hammondville," he
observed.
II couldn't tell you about that"
said the clerk at the other end.
who's this speaking?"
Smith, of Forsythe and Spencer's
Office"
"Oh! I'll find out about 1t right
away, Mr.. Smit..." Then moment
later: I'VE no longer have control
Of that tract. 1t was sold yesterday"
ITO whom?"
ITO the Consolidated Hame.rlng
Manufacturing company, which we
understand intends to erect an ex-
tensive plant there"
Good" said Smith. Thank you,"
and he rang off.
who owns that piece of property
to the west of the Eureka iron mills %
he asked the station agent.
Mrs. McGundy," said the lantern
jawed station agent, scraping his
finger nail tenderly over his nose.
"She lives in that sky-blue house Just
to the end of the frog pond"
Napoleon hurried away to the little
blue house, where he found Mrs. Nc
Gundy to be a globular person cut
into two hemispheres by an apron
string.
Mrs. McGundy," queried Napoleon,
do you wish to sell your land over
here"
Show me the man that will buy
it?" said she. Il surely could part
with it without breaking my heart.
Twenty years ago, when Jim bought
it for song. it was supposed that if
we held on to it for 20 years it would
be worth all the money in the mint,
but in all that time never have seen
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1914-03-27
Destitute But Worthy Looking
Monkey Sat Waiting.

than gasoline-can't afford to be with
out him-right out of the jungles OF
Babylon
That's the way he talked, Judge,
and it didn't seem to ME that the
monkey really was what my wife sent
was so convincing"
THAT will do" said the court. You
go home and find out what your wife
did want, and let me know"
Judge Scully was called to the tele-
phone after lunch.
Funny l couldn't think of 1t be-
fore, judge" Heb'ing's voice came
over the wire. What my wife wanted
uas a stove CRATE"
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1914-03-27
GOES OUT TO SHOP
AND BUYS monkey
Wakes in Jail, Recalls Salt Wates
Sailor, But Wife Wanted
Stove Crate.
HEAD GETS THINNER
Convinced That Simian Fresh From
the JungIes of Babylon, Docile and
Gentle, Easy to Drive, Was WhS
the Wife Wanted.

Chicago.-Frank Hebling, 1921 Lowe
avenue, awoke in distress the other
morning, remembering that he had
forgotten one Of his wife's errands.
His head ached with the effort Ito
remember which one ! forgot" he
opened his eyes warily, fearing too
sudden a shock of light, and his glance
wandered to his toes, where a des-
titute but worthy looking monkey sat
waiting.
THAT must have been it," Hebling
murmured with satisfaction. Il knew
I'd remember" Then a troubled look
came over his face. But what in the
name of-what does she want with
monkey" Hebling frowned at the
thought of his wife's foolish within.
No sense in it-sheer waste OF
that the door was locked and that the
door was made of iron bars and that
guard outside wanted to know what
the matter was. Hebling sighed.
What Jail is this, pardner?" he
asked.
Chicago avenue. You'll have to see
Judge Scully pretty soon"
Then" said Hebling, lit wasn't
monkey after all that my wife
wanted" He turned to the guard. do
you know where l got that monkey?"
Have some coffee, maybe that'll
clear up your head-have some more
coffee-the monkey was picked up
same time you were-want any more
coffee?"
Half an hour later Hebling felt a
little better. MY heads getting thin
ner again." he said. II think could
put on my hat" And SO he was taken
before Judge Scully.
81 went out all conscientious.
Judge" he said earnestly, Ito get some
things for my wife. But ! couldn't
think what it was she wanted, and so
after while l met salt water sailor
and asked him, and he said he didn't
know, and we had few more drinks
and then all of a sudden he slaps me
on the back and calls out: i got it
what your wife wants is monkey--an'
here is the monkey, docile and gentle
any woman can drive him-cheaper
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1914-03-27

Napoleon, he could hear the captain.
at the other end Of the wire, saying
to himself: well. I'll be damped!"
Look here" demanded the captain
of young Smith, did you actually
have the nerve to borrow that thou
sand dollars from me this morning
to buy the very piece of property you
knew / wanted, so as to compel me
to pay you a two-thousand-dollar
profit on the loan?'
That's right, captain" admitted
Napoleon cheerfully.
well, Smith, don't you think that
was little ungrateful and unfriendly?
Don't you think you stepped over the
bounds of both business and social
ethics?"
"By no means" said Napoleon "You
told me yourself, Just the other night.
that business knows no friendship.
and that dollar has no sentiments or
emotions. Moreover, captain. / in
tend TO retrieve the reputation my
father made with you for allowing his
feelings to interfere with business. Do
you want this property at six thou
sand?"
"Of course do, you young migrate"
said the captain.
"All right" laughed Napoleon. "I'll
be right over, thank you."
Thank nothing!" snorted the cap
tain. 81 ought to have you arrested"
That night as the captain sat in the
library, Marjorie came in to use the
telephone, and paused behind her
fathers chair to pull his ears.
Who's that you have with you on
the porch, Margie?" he asked.
"Pole Smith," she informed him.
Hes just telling me all about how
well he's going to like business. He
says he made $4,000 in one deal to-
day."
Yes, confound it, he did," exploded
the captain. HE made it out of my
pocket and borrowed my money to do
it with"
Her laugh upon that was delicious;
so much SO that the captain stopped
to listen to it in positive joy, all his
annoyances of the day forgotten.
II guess Pm lemon she confessed,
laughing with her.
"A nickel's worth of Them" she
agreed, twisting two corkscrews in
his gray hair. Il should think that a
shrewd old business tiger like you
would feel Inundated to have mere
youngster like Pole Smith come along
and eat him all up"
The captain smiled grimly.
Hes fine chap, young Smith is"
he said
She slipped her arm around his
neck and laid her cheek against his
"A fine chap? Just finding 1t out
Daddy, daddy, daddy! You don't keep
up with the news very well, do your"
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1914-03-27
LOCUST HORDE THIS YEAR
w. e. Ramey, State EntomoIogIst OF
West Virginia, Sends Out
Warning.

Cumberland, Md.-W. E. Ramey Of
Morgantown, West Virginia state en-
tomologist. is authority for the state
inent that West Virginia will again
be overrun by horde of seventeen
year locusts this year
"The insect. the periodical cicada,"
says Prof. Dacy, will appear in all
the counties north of the Allegheny
mountains. Besides this the brood
will occur in the greater portion of
Grant and Hardy counties and burrow
in a narrow strip across the western
part of Mineral county.
"The female puncturing tie twigs to
form suitable place to deposit eggs
accounts for the serious injury done
TO orchards. For the benefit of young
orchard trees it is advised that no
pruning be done this season until aft
er the cicada has finished its work"