The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1914-01-25
THE LIME KILL CLUB
A Distinguished Visitor from Florence Arrives

Previous to the opening Of the satur-
day night meeting Of the Lime-Kin Club.
II was known that q distinguished visitor
from Florida would be present and prob
ably make some remarks. and there was
q considerable curiosity concerning him.
as IL was hoped he had brought q barrel
of bananas in his coattan pockets- In
referring to the stranger. Brother Gard
ner said: A.
together johnson. Of Florida, am in de
red auntyroom and waitin' to deliber an
address befor' dis Club. De title of de
address am What Am HappinessT
don't know what sort Of an orator he
am. but a. he has walked 800 miles to ad-
dress US I shall glib him de chance. He
has been q guest in my house fur de
last three days. and I kin say dat his
appetite am sunthin' dat boss ort TO be
proud of. Some great men am satisfied
wild tea and toast. while odders want
con beef and 'taters cherry meal. Dor
rim de delibery Of de address I want
respectful silence. / don't want no
'taters nor turnips frown around de hall
II Elder Toots falls asleep and wakes
up wild yell, or Samuel Shin takes
advantage Of de occasion to kick Way
down Bebee in de shins. dey will hear
from me In a way to make their hearts
ache. De reception committee will now
bring de Hon. gemlan-"
The visitor was escorted In and in
troduced In ceremonious fashion. There
was general gasp OF establishment at
his appearance. He was considerably
more than six feet tall, while he didn't
look much thicker than a clothes prop.
There was an ancient look about him to
remind one of the pyramids Of Egypt
and any keeper of a restaurant would
have bet ten to one that he had the
hunger Of five men. As he bowed and
surveyed his audience the impression
made was not exactly favorable It
seemed as IL nature had created that
long, thin. lank form to crawl through
knot-holes into hen coops.
MY frens," began the Hon. Altogether,
with sudden nop of his arms as il he
wanted to fly far away. Lam wild you
tonight to discuss de subjjek OF happi-
ness It's a subjick dat consarns the
high and de low. de rich and de pore. We
am all strivin' fur II. but thousands of
us am discouraged bekase We think We
don't find II. We begin chen as chilren.
to believe dat II takes money to be hap
py. and de older We grow de mo- We
believe in dat theory. Right dar am
whar We make de great mistake of our
lives and go OF on de wrong road
Eere the orator paused for his words
to sink two feet deep into the minds of
the hearers. and then with a jump sides
ways and back, as IL to escape the teeth
of a dog. he resumed
I'm a great big house not a mile away
from yere sits a millionyaire. Oar am
rugs on de hooh; dar am paintin's or
dc wall; dar am servants to wait on
him; he has got a barl o money in de
hank: he has no mother-in-law; he
dent hive to put up or take down
stoves: he has but to ring a bell and
nine 5000 autos will come prancing
around to ride him out. Let him ring
anodder bell and a Niger loaded down.
Wild champagne and quaile on toast
will appear. a third bell. and sober
Senators will enter by de dack doah
and offer to beat or pass a bill he may
name and not charge him cent.
Oats de picture, my frens, and yo:.
have only to shut your eyes to call II
up befor' you Seems to you dat mar
orter be list shoutin' wild happiness. bit
am dat de case? Fur. fur from it On
de contrary, he am wishin' he was dead.
Why? Kase his son In college has
made a fule o. himself and am to be
suspended. Kase one o. dem autos an
all busted to smash. Kase his youngest
child has got the Group and may not lii
till mawnin'. Kase he's bald headed and
got hay-fever Kase de plumber and dc
ice man have robbed him. I could gin
you forty mo- kases, but desc am sum-
cient. Oar am a CARLOAD OF de Ions
green dar. but no happiness
The orator paused to get drink OF
water, and kicked his legs out TO Timber
them up. and then continued:
"Lemme present anodder picture to
YOU A mile away am de cabin OF a
Guild man. He's blind in de right eye
and lame in de left leg Oar am no rugs
on the fioah. nor pictures on de walls
He might yell, till he was hoarse, and
he wouldn't git no quail on toast H'
hasn't got a cent in the bank, and d.
frost has killed his garden of. But HI
, sit. right~dar In his shirt sleeves. wild q
| bewtiful smile on his face. He grins. H'
chuckles. He laughs
Why hain't he moanin' and sheddin
tears and sayin' dis old world holds nj
happiness fur him? Why hain't he beer
settin' fire to some rich mans barn. Of
| hamstrIngin' a SOW belongin' to a million
yare? Why dat blandness and content
ment?
IT will tell you why. Watch him. HI
rises IN. He walks ober to de fcebox
He reaches in and lifts and grunts anC
tugs, and, 10. a twenty-pound water
miIlyon appears to view-a watermillyor
dat has been reposin' close to de Ice FOL
a long half day. No matter whar he go
| dat millyon, it's dar. and 1t haint go
| legs nor wings to git away. NO matte,
whedder de man am widower and al
alone in his world. % whedder he am
i