davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington herald., 1914-04-26
They Always Do.

Gentlemen said the drummer II
never had an cXtravaGant salary. and
always had use for every dollar coming
To me-. hut at the same time / have al
ways managed To spare a bit when I have
found a case Of distress. Two weeks ago.
IN going from Chicago to ST. Louis, | sat
behind a couple Il men on the car and
could not help but overheard what they
We're talking about My feelings We're
soon touched. As near as | could make
out they were ON the verge of failure and
starvation. caught enough Of their
conversation to satisfy me that when they
reached St Louis they would have to
pawn some of their clothes TO get lodgings
for the night.
And they were riding in a Pullman
car" exclaimed one OF the listeners.
Yes. but | didn't stop to consider that
My feelings got the better of me and
all my pity bubbled up. put half dol
lar in my rat and started to go through
the train and make a collection | did
go through one car. Some gave quarter
and some half and | was having pretty
good la K when the conductor came along
and demanded:
Here. now, what are YOU doing
Making up a purse fer two worthy but
dead broke men.
Where are they
Il took him back and pointed out the
two sufferers. and after a look at them
he turned {" me with face whittier than
sheet and whispered:
Great scott. man. but you nav" had
narrow escape from death, one Of
them is a coal trust and the other an ice
trust man. That's the way they always
talk TO offset their 90 per cent, dividends
The Washington herald., 1914-04-26

/
about a certain Cabin-t position at
Washington. and:
fourth had asked him why he didn't
| write book and title il: The Life
OF MIR. Bowser.'
Each of the four had borrowed a couple
Of dollars on the strength of their fiat
terry, but 1t had been balm to him new
ertheless.
lie mao an important AIR as ne reached
meme ana Mrs BoWser realized that she
| must ne on her Guard IL was WIN much
! NJ STATION "hen dlnner had peeh nm
lsnsn' 'hat hhe sara
| IL mas peeh apout three months since
We were al Inc theater' ana didn
kho" nut what you want 10 go thls
| eN+tlins
II - NtrS Einu anu thouEntlu' pi you
l" SUGGEST H. ne rephen' out l nave
n'afe "'"'' arrangements io' '"'S een-
| "SI 1870 ..
| 81 - ~,
soLo,.ot s'iS - s'' "''e All" P'"'
| D. - L, a.,-
oyar1'
| ~. r,o,.,o,, - -oi.,,,I, ,.ia
Lo 90, hi. -. .Ii.h, ..,ba ;,nora,cs
! ~ IT, a,,ara.o -, -, - 1870
| - a. a,-t,,I ,hinc 30 cna,smnIs,n w.,
are M .yccp,iop A. the days co nv 7
am more and more aStonished al vour
irnorance MOI IN use a harsher nam, for
il"
What II IL that l am ignorant about?'
! she asked
| To begin with the eIohe on which Won
: live You have been told that this il a
| rIob. susnended in ,ace hut that is all
v know about !, II Is simpIv a great
| big chunk of real estate TO YOU. II l
Was in such dense Ignorance on this vital
subject as Won are I would nor talk about
the tbeater Here is a mighty world. II
mr. passed through mighty changes and
mighty changes are IN come Its history
| is so stunendous that men are awed as
they realize IL and vet ~ vou Hnd
The Washington herald., 1914-04-26

turning into the gate to ask for 20 d
victuals. Mr. BOwsers soul sang with
JOY as he saw them. and next moment
he uttered blood-Curdiug YELL and was
among them. Mrs. BOwscr heard the yell
and ran to the window. but all she could
see for III" first three minutes was three
men whirling about like fighting cats
Then two Of the fiGurCs emerged. jumped
the fence and sped on into the lusnI.
followed a moment later by Mr.. BowSer.
He was hatless and without his over
coat. and the collar Of his undercoat was
hanging, hut he took up the trail and
was gaining as she lost sight of him
down the street lie had been beaten
on geology in his own house. and some
one outside Of it should pay the penalty.
which was-death.
The Washington herald., 1914-04-26

Some members of Congress. If you wish
for an interview, will turn as pale as
death.
Others will flush guiltily.
Others will put you OF Tor a week In
order to find out what particular transae-
ton you wish TO uncover.
There are those who will make an
appointmcnt for a week ahead, and then
sail for Europe and not return untli
they believe you have met your death
at the hands of a midnight assassin.
The eminent Joe Cannon is no such
man.
He is ready TO be interviewed day or
night.
He will abandon a game of poker,
where he is winning right along TO give
you his opinion on any subject before
the public.
SO YOU want a talk with me-? he
smilinCly queried OF the p d. Q. Man.
But it's rather of the usual lines.
was the reply.
Pop away. my som!
a New Hampshire minister has de-
nounced you from his pulpit for setting
a bad example to the youths of the coun-
try by playing poker
Yes, / heard of thai. and it made me
feel real bad. ! don't like to be put in
a false position before the youths"
But you do play poker?''
Not with intent to sin. and If the
youths follow my example they'll play
about two games and quit. I've played
The Washington herald., 1914-04-26

: Stop. | say! You know more about
geology than I do! Gre-t Scott, but what
impudence! Woman. have you the slight
est idea who l ann
You are Mr.. Bowser."
And you-who are you?'
Il am Mrs. Bowser"
And yet you-you-you-"
Alr. Bowser choked ard gssped and
had TO take walk to get ahead OF a
stroke Of apoplexy. When he had Gained
down a bit he returned to say:
Madam, you have no doubt got i'm
pudence enough to thin. you can tell me
In what age and strata coal was
formed
Il can. Mr. B,wser The lower strata
Of Goals were formed during the car
boniferOus age. and during what is
known as the CarbOniferous period They
begin just above what is known as mill
stone grit and end at the red sandstone
and marls. eleven strata above. Those
are the true veins. but coal is neverthe-
less found much nearer the surface. II
is often found outcrOppihg Any other
question. MIR. BOwser? As long as We
are going to maze an evening OF il let's
learn all We can. We have been to the
Catskills and ct me ask you IL you know
in what age they were created. and
whether they ere above or below the
chemuns group"
BY thunder-by thunder" whispered
Mr.. Bowser to himself as he stood and
stared at her.
Il don't know whether you are posted
on the salina period or not II occurred in
the Niagara group. II Is those saliferous
in the upper siIurian era and followed
beds which make the sea salt. and II
YOU
Mr.. Bowser threw his haif-smoked cigar
AT the cat, which was looking out from
under the piano, Snd started down the
hail and got into his overcoat and hat
will you be back SOON" called Ms
Bowser.
lie threw open the door and passed Dut
and banged II after him. and the green
grass looked red 10 him. a remedy VAS
fortunately at hand. Two tramps ws=e
The Washington herald., 1914-04-26
ARIZON A KICKLETS
The Editor of the Kicker Has War Record

The aged and infirm critter whom We
are abliged by courtesy to refer 10 as our
esteemed contemporary, is still neutral
on the Mexican war question Among
his SO subscribers is a half-breed MeNi-
can and he is afraid OF hurting the
mans feelings by coming out strong for
the American eagle. In this last issue
he says We are a patriot for the money
there is i'm it, and that If we ever smelled
powder II was when we had our head in
q barrel. We are not a man to exploit
our own adventures. We should not now
refer to our war record except to de-
fend our honor. We have the papers to
show that We were among the first dozen
mon in Indiana to enlist in the war for
the Union. II is true that We were
callow youth. and had to have our
mothers consent. but We had blood to
she'd for our country. We began with
Bull Run and ende, with Appomattox.
We wore out three muskets shooting at
the enemy. and the number of killed and
wounded can be figured from that We
went in as a private and came out as
captain, and We didn't pay out cash for
promotion. We were wounded by a shell
at Groveton. hit by a bullet at Manassas
and sliced by a saber at Gettysburg. We
got run over by horse at Fredericks-
burg. had a tree fall upon US at Chancel-
orsvilIe. and a solid shot at Falling
Waters chased us around for ten min
utes and finally. wounded and with a
colt corn on every toe, but ready to go
back and leave one of our legs on the
battlefield. We don't claim to have
brought on the war or to have ended IL.
but We were marching in the mud willis
our esteemed was loafing around town.
We were fighting and bleeding while he
was swinging in hammock. We were
UNFOLDING the glorious principles of a
glorious republic while he was running
q cheese factory.
The Washington herald., 1914-04-26

poker for over forty years and have
won but two jackpots that l remember
of"
But it has been stated in the pa
pers-'
oh, la, la, Yes, I've seen the state
ment that my winnings averaged 1000
a year. and it is to laugh. Young man.
do you know why l keep my place in
Congress-
It's because you don't attend the NOV
ing picture shows, isn't it?'
There are at least $50 members OF
every Congress that play poker. They
make their board and drinks and cigars
out of me. I am their soft snap. II
failed OF reelection I'd be missed in
Washington more than the President.
Therefore. these poker friends use every
influence in my favor"
Il never heard OF that" replied the
interviewer.
And they come to Washington from
all over Missouri, and they buy gold
bricks and green goods and get their
pockets picked. and then they come TO
me"
To borrow money to get home on?'
No, sir. No true Missourian ever docs
that He'd walk all the way home first.
He comes 10 me and SAYS:
&" Joe. l find that / didn't bring quite
money enough.
No."
But don't want to borrow Of YOU"
&c i see"
&" I want YOU to play five or six hands
Al poker with me. and make the limit
a hundred bones
And YOU cblige?" was asked.
4 have 10. or they would go home
and tell everybody what a moan kuss
Id got to ho."
And he wins enough to take him back
home
The Washington herald., 1914-04-26

skirt so tight that one could see the
wrinkles on her knees
'Hussy. get OUT Kissed the great
lady"
Il shall not. I am Miss Sunfower the
fairy that looks out for orphan girls. l
am here to look out for this one
The great lady made a dive for her
hair. but she never reached IT, She Was
turned into an old woman. lame in the
left leg and hcr shoulders Topped. and
then thrust INTO the alley. An hour later
the husband OF the great lady came in
and found Junianta seated in the parIor.
She had the fact and figure off a houri.
She was wearing the clothes OF a prin-
cess. That is. Of a princess who didn't
wear many clothes
Where is my wife, was asked.
''Hiked for Reno replied the fairy.
Il hope she gets there and gets IL:
Who is this sweet-faced girl
''She waits for one to love her
will she wait a month"
She will be YOURS"
There was no divorce. One day as the
husband of he great cx-lady was TAX
ing Miss SunfoWCr and Junianta for a
spi' IN the park there was a gentle
ho .uIc
Dam that dof. exclaimed the gen
tleman.
1T Is not q, dog said the Fairy
1t is lame. Iop-shouldered old
woman" whispered the orphan.
Justice had been done, The boomer
anG had doomed
When rich New Yorker runs over
his own wife and brushes the life out Of
her it is considered the proper thing
1" wait AT east two weeks before marry
Ing tn" other one.
In this case lNTe was wait Of four
teen DAYS and a half. to make sure Of u
Is Junianta II She just reyels in
IL,
The Washington herald., 1914-04-26
BOW SER SLIPS UP
He Starts to Shear Mrs. Bowser, But Is Shorn

What! I say there were four ages
the silurian. the devonian. the car
boniferous. and the Teptilian."
And you add to that the mammalian
Madam. do you in your total ignorance
of geology assume to contradict me?"
Il won't contradict you" she replied.
but l will prove that you are wrong.
We have a work in the library. There
have been four periods of time, but five
ages. Just wait a minute and 1 will get
the book. I was looking al II only the
other day"
You need get no book. When my word
don't settle a case Of geology it's time
to stop. And what were you doing with
book on geology instead OF looking
after your house,
Trying to educate myself. Mr.. Rowser.
a few minutes ago you were complaining
of the ignorance OF my sex"
She had boxed him up and he realized
It, and took il out in glaring at her
for a minute before he said:
1T Is just barely possible that there
was a brief period called the ma mmalian
period. hut it couldn't have amounted 10
tween the huckleberry and the alligator.
OF course. you don't have the slightest
idea what the first age was? How should
a woman who Ii gadding about after
bargains"
The first II known as the age OF
mollusk. and there were two eras in IL.
the lower and upper silurian."
"But-but what business have you TO
know it," demanded Mr.. Bowser as he
wriggled around on his chair both indiE-
nant and astonished at her knowledge of
the subject.
Il am sorry thlt | know a shirt button
from an anchor" she replied. but some
how | can't help II. ! would run after a
bargain all the time. bug haven't the
money
'And-and you pretend that you know
how the foundations OF the earth were
formed. do your" he asked as the back
OF his neck began to show the usual
The Washington herald., 1914-04-26

The Major had been sitting with us on
the hotel veranda for an hour or SO. and
had Just gone into the barroom to drink
nv himself. when a man came across
the street and said to us:
Gentlemen. Colonel Gruher is over the
way and ready to shoot. and want
some Of you TO come over and neip hold
him.
Whom does he want to shoot" asked
the St Louis drummer
why. Major Williams, who il inside.
Some Of you take care of the major or
there'H he some shooting
Two of us went over TO the grocery
store. where Colonel Gruher was walking
IN and down and vowiu= he'd have
blood. and when We talked peace to him
he fairly foamed at the mouth and
shouted:
NO. san, No. sab, / wouldn't spare
that man il the angels in heaven asked
il Of me. He must die by my hand
and that within half an hour. Go back
to him and tell him to say his prayers. -
We went back TO the major and found
him riding a high horse When It was
suggested that he gn home. he shouted
in a loud voice;
Never. sab, 1t shall never be said
that I turned my back on Colonel Cru
Der. Let him met me like man and
die like a man Go back and ask him Il
he has lot in the cemetery
We returned to the colonel. who had
grown more excited and when the mes
sage had been delivered he fairly jumped
up and down as he exclaimed:
why. I'll not give him fifteen minutes
The Washington herald., 1914-04-26
rHeEt hse >.p+,eane AeoOr LIKE Sr6Ar1Ne oeNT<N

Why, / know just a little about il.
The first stratum was formed during the
moIusk age in the lower siIurian era and
is composed Of mollusks. ON top OF that
comes POtsdRm sandstone. Then fol-
lows calciferous sandstone. limestone.
Utica shale. Hudson River group. Oneida
conGlOmerate. Nj
stop. womanp exclaimed MIR. Bowser
he rose up and pointed a finger at her
Il sit down here to give you a little
information about geology. and within
ten minutes time you are making a
burlesque of the thing. How dare you
talk as you do
What is wrong about my talk? If I
happen to know more about geology than
you do and"
The Washington herald., 1914-04-26
THERE WAS NO SHOOTING

| longer to exist. Meet him like a man, 10
tell him that in just ten minutes by the
! clock 1 shall have the satisfaction Of
shooting six bullets into his worthless
body
We crossed over to find the Major rsc-
Ing up and down and swearInE under
MS breath and when told Of Coloners
threat. he roared out:
Meet him like man? Why. he's been
dodG!uS me for two years past, and
now that ! have Cornered him he shall;
/ not escape NE. I'll drop him at the first
! Ilre and then s-p-u-r-n his body as |
would that Of dog. Go tell him that
| am ready"
We had got rather tired Of rushing
back and forth. and this time We en-
couraged the Colonel to go forth and
slay. Those left behind with the Major
worked the same racket. Neither one
was on the rush. hut after ten minutes OF
! urging the Colonel left the shelter OF the
grocery just as the Major left the shelter
of the veranda. As a result they met i'm
the middle OF the street, while most of
us fell back to be out of the way OF the
bullets There were no bullets. however
They halted and peered at each other
Tor minute. and then the Colonel said:
Beg pardon. but is this Majah Will
isms?''
1t Is. sab"
The Majah Williams who gloriously
led the sixth infantry at Cedar Noun
tain
Yes. sab; and am speaking to Colo
mel Gruber?''
''Yo' ar sab"
'The Colonel Grubcr who worked his
battery at Antietam without supports
and vas justly considered hero?''
The same. sab.
Then nowdy do. COLONEL
quite well. thankee. Majah. Warm
evening -
Powerful hot. ticv a nip. Colonel
'Bcin' it's YOU. YES
And they linked arms and walked off
down the street. and we saw no more,
The Washington herald., 1914-04-26

Some one had told Mr.. Bowser during
the day that he didn't look over forty.
A second party had told him that he
was being mentioned as a candidate for
the next governor.
\ third party had mysteriously limited
The Washington herald., 1914-04-26

Two or three weeks ago. wanting an
item to fill up with, We turned our at
tention to the whisky ranch kept by Jim
Hopkins. over on Goose Creek. 1t is a
hard place. and we said so. Jim is a
tough man. who ought to have been
lynChed when he was a kid. and we
made ii plain to our readers. We didn't
know how Jim would feel about il, but
The Washington herald., 1914-04-26

II has been our policy TO say as little
of ourselves personally as possible but
under the present circumstances a few
words seem to be in order We are
mayor of Giveadam GuIch: We are post
master Of the same: we are a member Of
the Territorial Assembly; we are n deputy
United States marshal; we are editor and
proprietor of the greatest weekly in the
West. We say this is no bOastful spirit,
but present II as an object lesson to
young men. Any man with hustle and
brains can succeed in this country He
may nave to sleep under a wagon on the
nIst night of his arrival, as we did. but
mis- ambition will soon begin t. boost
him. There are those who would rest
satisfied after gathering the iaurels We
nave but we still have the fires of am
billion burning in our breast We in
tend TO be governor of the territory with
in five years. and after a term or so will
either go to the United States Senate
or become a candidate for the Presidency.
II viii profit all young men who want 10
curve out a great future to watch our
smoke.
In returning from Pine Hill Sunday
evening. and just as We had crossed the
bridge over Devils Run, a man stenned
out from behind tree and ordered us
TO halt and throw up our hands. We
Obeyed with the greatest CELEBRITY. and
shall always feel grateful to him for
giving us the opportunity He asked
our name and occupation, and we gave
them with the hope that the press vas
exempt from his operation. We were
wrong, however. He was a man with a
grievance against well-conducted news
papers. and it tickled him TO know that
he had caught an editor. He robbed us
of even the key OF the office clock and
our goosequilI tOothpick. and IL he had
had any use for a horse he would certain
The Washington herald., 1914-04-26

Word has been received that Maj. Joe
Thompson, who was a resident of this
town for two or three years, has been
lynched in New Mexico for horse stealing
II is just as well that he went the way
he did He was intending to return here
in fact, he stole the horse to make the
journey with, and he would have been
hung soon after his arrival by the vigi-
lance committee. 1t is simply a case of
gone before" for couple OF weeks, and
If anybody is ahead of the game tn,
major is He was a good-hearted fellow,
but too much of a hustler. even for this
hustling country. When he left here
there were seven hanging offenses to his
credit, and we were one OF the crowd
which pursued him for the first twenty
miles of his journey. We hope he was
we'll hung and will stay where they plant
ed him
The Washington herald., 1914-04-26

Friday evening last Mrs Maj. Goldsby
gave a progressive euchre party at her
abode on Cochise place and We were not
invited. The idea was to snub us be-
cause We wouldn't lend the major SD.
and We felt the snub. Three days later.
however, the major had a sudden call to
leave town to escape the clutches OF an
officer from Florence. and it was due to
our efforts that the officer found trace
of his man. We don't want to give the
impression that II we are not invited to
all the high tees, low coffees. rum
punches. etc, given in town We will
communicate with Pinkerton at once, but
still il is just as well not to snub us too
sharply. We own white shirt and
have learned to eat with fork. and our
presence won't mar the harmony of any
occasion.
The Washington herald., 1914-04-26

as usual prepared for business. Satur-
day last he came into town to get square
and it so happened that We me- on
Apache avenue. In a fatherly way We
wish to say to Mr.. Hopkins that if he
wishes to make "A record in this town
as shooter he must carefully observe
two or three things. Don't shoot before
you are ready. Don't yell when you
shoot. as il only rattles your own nerve
He opened on us at distance OF 20
feet, which was $50 feet too much. He
was in too great a hurry TO take aim
and his bullets were wasted. His yells
took away his breath. When he had
fired six bullets at us We closed in, put
him on hi back, and made him holler in
about sixty seconds. The look OF sur
prise and establishment on his face as he
found himself licked was a lauGhable
sight. Tn boys put him in an empty
barrel and rolled him around until he
was thoroughly weary. ana yesterday he
was chased out of his dive and departed
for the mountains.
The Washington herald., 1914-04-26

ly have left us to foot it into town. Ger
tain men are talking big about what they
would have done under the circumstances.
but brag is cheap. When a highwayman
has got a gun within a foot of travellers
nose, and that gun is loaded and ready
to shoot, the traveller who don't come
down is an idiot and deserves what ne
will get. We lost $50 in cash and ST.
worth of watch. but we are not repining.
The critter was a scholar and a gentle
man. and possibly We may meet him IN a
game of poker some day and have a show
to win it all back.
Pierre weekly free press. (Pierre, S.D.) 1889-19??, 1914-05-28
CONTINUED next week.
chsapeninu Ra.sion.
katharine F. Gerou!d. in the Atlant,

Katharine r. Gerould, In the Atlantic,
There was q great deal more sex, in its
subtler manifestations, in the old novels
and plays, than In the new ones. Not so
long ago, q novel was a love-story: and
1t was Of supreme Importance to q hero
or not he could make the heroine
care for him. It was Also Of supreme Inn
%portance to the heroine. The romance
was all founded on sex; and yet sex was
hardly mentioned. Our heroes n hero
ines astill marry; but when they consider
sex at all, they are. apt to CONSIDER It
biologically. not Economically. We, an q
public, are more frankly Interested in sex
than ever; but we think OF 1t obtectiNely,
and a little brutally, In terms Of demand
and supply. And 50 we get often the
pathetic spectacle OF the hero and hero
Inc having no time to make low to each
other In the good old-fashioned way, be-
cause they are SO busy suppressing the
red-light district and compiling statistics
OF disease. Much OF the frankness, doubt
less. is q good thing: but beyond q doubt.
1t has cheapened passion. For passion
among civilized people 10 a subtle thing;
1t ts wrapped about with dreams and
Efmaginilgs: apd can bring human beings
to salvation as we'll as to perditton. But
when It ID shown to us as the mere prov
ince OF courtesans. small wunde that We
tufn from It to the hero who will ave diff
hculty In feeling or inspiring II. Especially
since we are told, at HE same time, that
oven the courtesan plies her trade only
IRON dtrest necessity.