davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-08-27
No Tolls on Wireless MESSAGES

Hiram Percy Maxim, Jr., son of Sir
Hiram Maxim and the inventor of
the rife silencer, has been devoting
his spare moments for the last year
to wireless telegraphy and has an
nounced that his Hartford Radio Club
has formed a nationwide organization
for the free transmission Of wireless
messages, provided, of course, no IN
forseen difficulty arises, such as fed
eral investigation and interference on
some interstate commerce techni-
cality.
With all the amateur stations
dotted all over the country" Mr..
Maxim said, anyone may communi-
cate with. a friend at distant point
without the assistance of a big cor
poration or the federal governments
mail service"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-08-27
The New Fable of the Night Given
Over to Careless Beverly.

The New Fable of the Night Given
Over to Careless Reveiry.
All these who had Done Time at a
certain endowed Institution for sha-
ping and polishing Highbrows had TO
ciose il once a Year for a Banquet.
They called it a Banquet Because it
would have been a Joke to call it a
Dinner.
The Invitations locked like real
Type-Writfng and called upon all Loyal
Sons Of Old Bohunkus TO dig up 8
Sesterces and get ready for a Big
Night.
To insure Riot OF spontaneous
Gaiety the following Organization was
effected:
Committee on Invitation.
Committee on Reception.
Committee on Lights and Music.
Committee on Speakers.
Committee on Decorations.
Committee on Police protection.
Committee on First Aid to Injured.
Committee on Maynew.
Committee on Liquid Nourishment.
Each Committee held numerous
Meetings, at the Call of the Chairman,
and discussed the impending Festivi-
ties with that solemn regard for piff1ing
Detail which marked the Peace Con-
ference at the Hague.
The FroIic was to be perpetrated at
a Hotel famous for the number of Elec-
trio Lights.
The Hour was to be $50 Sharp, SO
that by 6:45 four old Grads, with va
riegated Belshazzars, were massed to-
gether in the Egyptian Room trying to
f < the Date on which Dr. Milos Lobs-
Quosset became Emeritus Professor of
Saracenic Phlobotomy
Along about 1870 a subcommittee
wearing Satin Badges was sent down
stairs TO round up some recent Alumni
who were trying to get running
Start and 7:45 a second Detachment
was sent out to find the Rescue Party.
Finally at s o'clock the glad Throng
moved into the Main Banquet Hall,
which was a snug Apartment about the
size of the Mammoth Cave of Ken
lucky, done in Gold and various shades
CT Pink, to approximate the Chamber
maids Dream of Paradise. The Style
of characterization was that which pre-
! cipitated the French Revolution.
| Beside each Plate was a blonde De-
coction named in honor of the Martini
Rifle, which is guaranteed to kill at a
Distance of 1000 Yards. The COM
pounding had been done in a Churn
early that morning and the Tempera-
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-08-27

derfu power and inspiration for service expressed
in it. and at the present time on every vessel Of
the navy and at every station under its superFls-
SION greater effort is being put forth from Gay tc
day to render to the great public more ell
cient service in return for the appropriations
made for their maintenance
| am not talking for a greater navy, am not
talking for the military form of management!
I am asking you simply to understand that each
officer and enlisted man Of the United States
navy is feeling more and every day that in
order to live up to the full measure of his useful
ness he must give you service; and / ask for
them from every dweIler under the Stars and
Stripes the heartiest cooperation in helping each
of US to find and use, in the broadcast way, all
possible paths of usefulness open to US as your
servants and fellow citizens.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-08-27
The COMMONPLACE KIND.

What sort Of married couple do
you consider Mr-and Mrs. Twobble?"
She's one of those Now, Henry
wives and he's one of those Yes, my
dear husbands"
noon Journeys he is easily distin-
gufshed from the other members of
the owl family, as they seldom go out
until night The prairie owl, known
sometimes as the marsh owl. eats in
sects, rabbits, mice, brown squirrels,
gophers, and now and then quail,
grouse, or water birds. More than
ninety-fve per cent of his food con-
sists OF destructive quadrupeds and
insect pests. In appraising the yearly
value of a single owl to a farmer il
would not be amiss to make it SEC
Farm and Fireside.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-08-27

achievement for all mod
ern industries.
In addition to the pro-
lection feature of the
navy, there are three
ways in which. it seems
to me, there might be
possibilities for future
service to individual tax
payers and to individual
employers fortunate
enough TO live in the
United States.
A widespread feeling
is abroad in the land
that the present method
of education does not
give to boys aged seven
teen to twenty-One the
maximum return for the
time spent in study.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-08-27
How II Hannened

Mr.. Kellogg was always teasing his
wife; it was strange that she did not
oftener suspect the pitfalls he pre-
pared for her. This time he came
home tC dinner and said, gravely:
Young Whites wife gave it to him
hot and heavy this morning"
The Whites had been married but a
few months and Mrs, Kellogg promptly
scented a scandal
Fighting already? How dreadful"
she continued. Tell me about it"
oh, she just gave him one of the
biscuits she made for breakfast" re-
piled her husband.-Youth's Compan-
ion.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-08-27
APPEALS TO THE TRAVELLER
7..J, Salesman Explains, for the
Benefit of the uninitiateo' All
About CrinkIed Crepe.

"Cripkled crepe-it's an honor to
handle it." said the dreamy-eyed and
poedcal young salesman
He laid before us mound OF
crinkled crepe, pink, azure, pale green.
AN honor to handle II" he repeated
running his fingers through the deli
cate mass.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-08-27

cording to directions on the bottle and
she IS cured of this trouble. She was
all run down when she started taking
the Compound and her periods did not
come right. She was so poorly and
weak that often had to help her dress
herself, but now she is regular and is
growing strong and healthy" - Mrs.
MARTIN HELv1G, Plover, Iowa.
Hundreds of such letters expressing
gratitude for the good Lydia E. Pink
hams Vegetable Compound has accom-
plished are constantly being received,
proving the reliability of this grand old
remedy.
If you are i'll do not drag along and
continue to suffer day in and day out but
at once take Lydia E. Pinkham' s Vege-
table Compound, woman's remedy for
woman's ills.
Ii you want special advice write to
Lydia E. Pinkham Medicine Co. Conf
dcntiaD Lynn, Mass. Your letter will
be opened, read and answered by a
wOman and held in strict confidence
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-08-27
No Chance for the ReaI Thing.

The young man brought some verses
to his father.
Father, I have written poems"
What Let me see them instantly"
The father read them over carefully,
the tears slowly yelling to his eyes as
he did so.
Finishing the last one he threw
down the manuscript, folded the boy
to his breast and sobbed:
ooh, my poor, poor SOM"
Are they SO bad as that, father?"
Bad They are excellent. They
are real poetry. My boy, my boy,
you will starve to DEATH"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-08-27
Had Enounh Of That Diet.

7 had my dyspepsia almost cured
once, said Crabbe.
But you couldn't stand the diet,
eh?" asked Flabbe.
Wen, it was this way" explained
Crabbe. Doctor Pilter advised me to
eat chopped oat cakes. I ordered a
box, and after eating them for a week
i felt fine When Bridget said the
cakes were gone I had her bring me
in the box so that l could get the
name and order more, but l never
placed the order"
why not?" inquired Flabbe. The
cakes were helping you"
Il found, said Crabbe, looking sick
at the recollection, that I had been
eating dog biscuit"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-08-27

a bottle Of wine, so constructed that
one could not bring it close to the
lips, and it was a tricky matter TO
drink from it without splitting any.
I emptied it at a draught, though it
was filed with very cold champagne,
and not a single drop on my waist
coat. Everybody was immensely sur
prised. but l said. FIJI it again Evil
IDENTIFY the king did not appreciate my
success, for he called out. No, no
more
such tricks were formerly an in
dispensable part of the diplomat s
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-08-27
All Outdoor SPORTS.

The real estate dealer had gone into
the details of the summer cottage at
great length and Mr.. Steiner had be
come bored
The cottage is a stones throw from
The trolley" said the agent.
Indeed! That's good said Steiner.
TT will give US something to do sum-
mer evenings"
Il beg your pardon" said the agent.
rather mystified
Il said it would give US something to
dc evenings, repeated Steiner. I'VE
can sit in the cottage and throw stones
at the trolley"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-08-27
Yes? Why so?" we asked.

Yes? Why so?" we asked
All the pretty girls who go abroad
this summer" he answered, unless,
indeed, they're rich-and few of US.
after all, are rich-wiT wear lingerie
of crinhed crepe, and will carry more
crinkled crepe lingerie n their little
cabin trunks as we'll Why? Because
crinkled crepe requires no ironing.
Wash it and dry it and it's ready,
Immediately, to put on.
And so. to save laundry bills, our
pretty and frugal girl travellers will
wear and wash, all through their
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-08-27
TRICKS USED BY DIPLOMATS
Worming Secrets From intoxicated
ENJOYS Common, According TO
the Great Bismarck.

Bismarck appears to have found a
5capacious thirst even more useful in
diplomacy than a good cook. He told
Busch that when staying with Fred
erick William " at Letzlingen, the
guests were asked to drink from ar
old puzzle goblet It was a stays
horn holding about three-Quarters Of
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-08-27

ture was that Of the Room, in com
pliance with the Dictates of Fashion.
Those who partook of the Hemlock
were given Courage to battle with the
Oysters. These came in Sextettes,
wearing a slight ptomaine pallor. On
the 10th Proximo they had said good
bye to their Friends in Baltimore and
for Hours they had been lying naked
and choked with thirst in their little
Canoes and now they were to enter the
great Unknown, further sacrifices to
the Votaries of Pleasure.
Luckily the Consomme was not hot
enough to sca!d the Thumbs of the
jovial Stevedores who had been brought
in as Extras, so the Feast proceeded
merrily, many Of the Participants de
voting their spare Moments to bobbing
for Olives or pulling the Irvine out of
the Celery.
The Fish had a French name, hav-
ing been in the Cold Storage Bastile
for SO long. Each Portion wore heavy
Suit of Armor, was surrounded by Ii
VI al L oSCS oHO Solfod az a L CC AOA
two Golf Balls billed as Pommes de
Terre.
1t was a regular Banquet, so there
was no getting away from Filet de
Biff aux Champignons. 1t was brought
on merely to show what an American
Cook with a Lumber-Camp Training
could do to a plain slice of Steer after
reading Book written by a Chef.
Next, in accordance with honored
Tradition, half-melted Snowfall i'm
pregnated with Eau de Quinine
Just about the time that the White
Vinegar gave way to the Aniline Dye,
a nut-headed Swozzie, who could get
into Matteawan without Credentials,
moved down the Line of Distinguished
Guests asking for Autographs. His
Example was followed by $50 other
Shropshires, so that for the next 30
Minutes the Festal Chamber resembIed
the Auditing Department of a large
Mercantile Establishment.
During this Period the Department
Of Geology in the University VAS hon
ored by the appearance Of a genuine
petrifed Quail And the Head Lettuce
carried the Personal Guarantee Of the
Goodyear Rubber CO.
Between the Rainbow Ice Cream and
the Calcareous Frontage, a member Of
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-08-27
The New Fable of the Young Fellow
Who Had No Father to Guide Him.


Once there was a Boy who had been
told twice a Day ever since he could
remember that If he started to go
into one of those Doggeries with
Swinging Doors in front and Mirrors
along the Side, a Blue Flame would
shoot out and burn him to a Cinder.
Also he had been warned that every
Playing Card in the whole Deck was
a Complimentary Ticket admitting
one to Hot Griddle in the Main Par
quette of the Fiery Furnace.
And every little Paper Cigar was
another Spike in the Burial Casket.
With seven or eight Guardians trail
ing him Day and Night to keep him
away from the Lures of the Wicked
World it looked like Pipe that he
would grow up to be the Dean Of a
Theological Seminary.
Across the Street lived poor IN
fortunate Lad whose Father was max
ing the futile Endeavor to take it
away faster than the Revenue Officers
could put Stamps on It. He was the
ing to pry him away from it he would
take a chance on anything from Ar
MICA to Extract of Vanilla.
According to all the Laws of Hered-
ity the only Son was cast for the Part
Of Joe Morgan.
He is now the Head of a Mail-OTder
House When he sees a Corkscrew he
pulls his Hat firmly over his Ears and
runs a Mile.
The Graduate of the Lecture Bureau
may be found in a Swagger Club any
evening with a Bourbon H. B. at his
Right, stack of ScTcent Lamps at
his Left and Two Small Pair pressed
closely against his Bosom.
MORAL - The Modern Ambition
seems to be to vary the Program.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-08-27

morning-they say their prayers and
turn in.
'Crinkled crepe unused the dreamy
eyed young salesman. If l were a
bard, a Tom Daily or a Sam Stinson,
I'd write poem on it for the maya,
zines"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-08-27
Inrnnrfant TO knnfhars
Teaching by Exam pIe.

Farmer Ito country boarders) -Sor-
ry that You young folks got stung.
How'd it happen?
Spokesman-Well, you see we were
standing beside the beehive wondering
how the bees made honey. l guess
they must have overheard us for they
came out and gave US a few points.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-08-27
Wearing II Out.

Church-Atlantic City last year en-
pended s94,311 in boardwalk main
tenance.
Gotham-And yet the people down
there are taking steps to undo what
has been done.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-08-27

A local contributor cites a fresh ex-
ample Of the fashion in which the
youth Of today trips the unwary par
ent:
Father" said the son home from
college to his father, 81 must have bet
Ter rooms at college. Why, in the
place / room now there isn't even hot
water TO shave with in the morning. /"
Son, when / was your age l never
aad hot water to shave with. Did it
when the weather wasn't too bloom
ing cold out il front Of the woodshed
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-08-27

to me, disclose a field
OF usefulness fer the
navy second only in its
power for service to
the wonderful personal
service given to enlist
ed men on the one hand
and employers on the
other by efficiently CO
ordinating their mutual
power and necessity.
In the opinion Of
some of our distin-
guished fellow citizens
the army and the navy
are an industrial waste.
The WatchWOId OF mod
ern industry is Turn
your wastes into prof
it's" The navy has
heard this watehwOrd,
comprehended the Won
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-08-27

weakness. 1 spoke
to three doctors
about it and they did
not help her any.
Lydia z. Pinkham's
Y e g table Com
pound had been of
great benefit to me,
so | decided to have
her give it a trial.
She has taken FIVE
bottles of the Vege-
fable CpuoDOl1nd ac-
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-08-27
THE LOGIC OF 1T.

The Mexicans must be an unusually smart
people"
What makes you think that?'
81 see the oil people are afraid they will set the
rivers there fire"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-08-27
MI pESPERANDUM.

Things in gene4al' said the pessimistc the
osophist, are very, very bad"
"Oh, WELL" replied the optimistic theosophist,
cheerfully, tits all in q lifetime; and besiGes
there will be other lifetimes Puck
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-08-27
GENERAL TENDENCY.

How do you account for the falling off in
enthusiasm in your district"
IT'S to be expected" replied Senator Sorghum.
People will fall off band wagon, the same az
a water wagon"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-08-27
Great Aduanfa ces.

Why are you so anxious to have
this man made director in the com
pany? Has he any special financial
ability?"
no, but he'd make a splendid wit
ness in an investigation Of our trans
actions. He's deaf and dumb
~--~o-~-~~-~~-~~--~~-~~O-~ ~-~~~~~~~
and made lather out Of any old soap
l could find"
But, father" expostulated the son,
didn't you say you sent me to college
that l might have the advantages you
didn't have"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-08-27
Serious Minded.

Il want you to meet a young friend
of mine The most serious-minded
man ! know"
Il haven't any time to waste on
married men"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-08-27

travels, their lingerie of pink or azure
crinkled crepe. isn't it a charming
thought? Isn't it a pleasant picture?
Imagine those thousands of girls
in English village inns, in boisterous
French pensions. on rolling Atlantic
liners, IN cheap, magnificent, unsatis-
factory Swiss hotels high up on the
Alps. 1t is very late. They are very
tired. Nevertheless, in their kimonos,
amid their little rooms nocturnal soil
tude and silence, they wash their
crinkled crepe-they hang it up so
that it will be dry to put on in the
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-08-27
The Reason.

You know that legislative bill
sounds funny to me"
7 guess there's a joker in it,
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-08-27

Every woman has tender spot; it
may be in her heart or it may be on
her toe
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-08-27

trade They drank the weaker YES
sells under the table, wormed all they
wanted to know out Of them, and
made them agree to things which
were contrary to their instructions,
or for which they had no authority.
Then they were induced to put their
signatures to the papers at once. and
when they got sober they could not
imagine how they had done so.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-08-27

to the individual and the corporation under the
United States government given by the army and
navy undoubtedly pays considerable percentage
OF dividends on the investment, but utilization of
all possibilities for efficiency is the standard Of
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-08-27
\ INVESTMENT of s25o.Ooo,ooo is some.

n INVESTMENT of $25O,00O,000 is some
thing we'll worth while analyzing for the
purpose Of determining the best way to
utilize all the possibilities for service to
the investor.
The taxpayers of the United States
have considerably more than this amount
already invested in the United States
navy.
The insurance Of neace and nrosneritv
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-08-27
MOTHER CT
SCHOOL GIRL
Tells How Lydia E. Pinkham's
Vegetable Compound Re-
stored Her Daugh-
ter's Health.

Plover, Iowa. 60 From small child
my Is year old daughter had. female
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-08-27

Ore Owl Worth $50 a Year.
TIE prairie owl searches for food n
the afternoon. By making these after
The Washington herald., 1914-08-16
ON THE GREAT WHITE WAY.
By o. o. S'INTYRE.

SneciaI Correspondent OF the Washington Herald.
The impression seems to be growing
around here that Miss Katherine Davis,
the nnuch-heralded commissioner Of cor
rections, is very keen for prominence in
the well-known public prints. Some Of
her enemies are now claiming that when
the prisoners On BlAckwells Island re-
voIted and cried out for food all night
long, Miss Davis was entertaining the
reporters and serving tea in the front
offices Miss Davis has swung quite a
great deal of sympathy toward Becky
Edelson, the /. w. w. martyr" now on
a hunger strike in the prison. II is
charged that Miss Davis has posed as a
suffrag gist and even stood for the militant
tactics of the English suffragists, yet she
seems intent on forcibly feeding Backy. II
she does not eat. Said a prominent /. w.
W. woman speaker the other night: Be
cause Becky has not broken any windows
or burned down any houses or destroyed
the mails. and mas not violated any law.
Miss Davis does not sympathiZe with
her."
Oscar Hammerstein rarely interferes
with the management OF the Victoria
Theater, which. since the death of his
son, William. has been taken over by his
only living son, Arthur. The other day.
however Oscar made a sweeping change
that has caused no end Of gossip and
buzzinE at The Corner" With one full
sweep the impressario discharged the en-
tire house stan including the eleven negro
ushers, a head usher, the doorman, and
the private lobby oficer. These employees
have been with Hammerstein's theater
for more than Ten years, and their faces
were known by hundreds Of thousands.
The ushers' places will be taken by a
group OF pretty young girls.
Hist! The report Is out that the dra-
matte critics of New York are going 10
strike For years it has been the Gus
tom Of New York newspapers TO sus-
pend the salaries Of the critics during
the three summer months. Some Of them
turn to literary labcrs during that time,
but others have nothing to do but kill
time. II is whispered that a secret meet
ing was held in one Of the downtown res
taurants the other night and an ultima
tum is to be sent to the managing
editors. Most of the critics go abroad
ir. the summer to do their writing, and
they send occasional letters back gratis.
This summer they cut on this gift as a
step to demanding what they call their
rights.