davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Corpus Christi caller and daily herald. [volume] (Corpus Christi, Tex.) 1911-1917, 1914-01-20

Dallas is 30 far ahcad la ihe
polliiax argument that ID i roinr
60 tax Houston and San Antonio
90 krep IA lhe ware car s,mna
thlos aec with the South 'R,Nas
cities, quite naturally. but wy nrt
nni going Gu place amy bet. uu the
strength ~ oar s,mpathiea.
The Washington herald., 1914-04-12
MR.. BOWSER CONCLUDES
Mans 236 Bodily Ailments Can Be Cured by Dieting

During the day at the ONCE Mr..
Bowser had come to a conclusion.
The ofice boy knew that he had be-
cause he saw his ears twitch
The elevator boy knew that he had
because he called him Pontius instead
OF Peter.
The street conductor knew that he
had from the way he held his chin.
and he forebore to beat him out of an
extra fare.
At the corner where he got of for
home stood a tramp ready to strike
him for a dime, but he saw a look in
Mr.. Bowsers face that made him
shrink back and whisper to himself:
Gee. but the old man is going to
do something desperate before the
clocks hit il up for midnight"
The gate opened to him as gates
have a way OF doing.
He entered the house to be met by
Mrs. Bowser and told that dinner was
ready to be placed on the table.
He did not seem to hear her until the
statement was repeated. and then he
replied:
Il have determined on a little
change in the daily program, and
shall not eat regular meals after this.
What do you mean by that?" she
asked.
Mrs Bowser has II ever occurred TO
you that civilized and enlightened man
is heir to exactly 236 different bodily all
ments?''
But what has that got to do with
your going without dinner"
That's the keynote OF the whole thing
m. dear. OF the go ailments no less
than 225 are brought on by the food We
eat Its meat. pastry and grease which
are staying their tens OF thousands every
year. It's no wonder that l have been
ailing for the last ten years and could
find no relief in medical treatment
And so you've got another fad?'
sighed Mrs. Bowser in despair.
Il don't exactly understand you" he
stiffiy replied. 1T is my duty to my
se'- and to my family to cure my all
ments II possible. and I shall proceed
to do so. II it's fad to rid ones self
of rheumatism, vertigo, heart disease.
rush of blood, nervous prostration and
dyspepsia, then, ! suppose, I've got one.
You can go down to dinner: | shall eat
mine right here
But what will you eat?''
"a vegetable or two. | am done with
fats and grease and sweets For a few
ks, at least. | shall live as Adam !
lived, and as Nature intended man tul
live"
Mrs. Bowser said no more. but went
The Washington herald., 1914-04-12
THEY ALL BALKED.

About half way between Prairie C,.-
snd Silver Creek came across an out
nj consisting of a lean old mule that
was hitched to a shackeItv cart. and IN
the cart was seated an oldlsh couple. VINO
were very evidently man and wife. II
was at the foot of sreen hill. ard the
mule had his back bumped n.y. while the
man piled hluA-beeCh switch.
rs It a case OF balk" ! asked as 1
rode up.
Fur shore. stranger" rnr!ied ;he ran
as he put aside his COrncoh ripe.
Anything wrong with the uule?'
Nuthin' in pertickler. He's lest OBJ
stinate. Consarn nevis. ard ConsaIn
women-they ar both jes; allie in want
in their way"
The wife sat bolt upright. arms folded
and her jaws set. and she did not even
give me glance.
The man slowly filed arI lighted mis-
pipe. and then took up 'he switch and
whaled away until re haG struck fifty
blows. Then II" laid it down with a
grunt AMI turned To fhe woman to ask:
Say. now, is it to be whisky and ter
hacker or a par n shoes"
''S-h-u-z-e"' she determinediy replied.
Thar. tbs stranger" he said with a
sigh. as he turned t. me. 'Tve got a
dollar IN nv pocket 10 buy whisky and
terbacker with when We git to town.
but shurk nv ole hide II she amt baIkin'
fur "A par O shoes. and will either have
EN- or make trouble. What dye think
Of siCh a critter?"
l was hesitItinG how to answer him
when he knocked the ashes out Of his
Pipe. stood up in the cart. and shouted:
"Whoop-whOop-ec Fust the ole newI
balks. then III" old woman ralks. and
now I'm Goin' Ia balk Tnyself Better
drive On, stranger. and git 20 mites
away afore the calamity haUpe
/ took his advice and rode on. but on
looking back n few minutes later I saw
the old woman had him by the hair and
the mule was standing on his hind feet
pa wing the air. The next time glanced
hack they Lad both fallen to the bottom
of the cart ard still fighting. and the
mule had turned the vehicle around and
vas Logging IL Tor home at . 2:lo gait
The Washington herald., 1914-04-12

that would hold your loyalty to the gov
ernment above your love for q woman"
Yes. sir. | should carry that letter
to the end Of my route and see that IL
was duly posted. II the girl had for
gotten to stamp il I would buy a two
center out Of my hard earnings and lick
il on. Then / would go out on the street
and look for my rival. and when I met
him | would say:
Jim. there is a mighty important let
ter for you at the postofTiCe. Hurry up
and get IL"
What a sacrifice on Your Ta-t' Where
Is another man that would make it,"
oh. | dunno, ho modcSt,y replied.
But you lose the girl
Yes
And the feller Is not bit thankful to
you"
No
And YOU will probably brood over the
matter til it results in suicide
We'll. skassly."
looked al him. and he was smiling.
He saw that l couldn't make him out and
he gently said.
Dead easy to solve that problem You
see. had found out that the dsmsel had
a wooden leg
"O-h-h."
And was blind in one eye"
All
And had or-o kicked in the ribs Of a
COW when she was in a temper.
BY George
And that tho widow Davis. with
$1,000 farm was willing to fine up with
me. Tn" problem - for Jim and not me-
rnor old COW. She wasn't doing a burned
thing hut sCitchnC her tail in fly-time
when in went her rihS' Anything more
today
There was nothing more-but to hack
out THE P. d. Q. MAN.
The Washington herald., 1914-04-12
SOME IMPROVEMENT.

What is going 70 bring hack the good
tines asked the old farmer Of the
grocer to whom he had sold his Early
Rose potatoes at less than last years
prices.
We'll. sir" was the reply. nothing
ais this country today but lack of nerve
We had a panic and people got scared.
There might have been some reason
for this scare at first. but that passed
away long ago. II we'd all go it now
and have nerve things would be all
right"
You think that would do it. eh?"
I'm sure of it. Have you seen any
signs OF improvement down your wsy?"
Yes. a slight sign. That is. know
a Teller who's got his nerve with him"
Yes"
He owed me 50 when the panic set
n. and. of course. held off about
asking for it. "Tain't my way to drive
robody to the wall I jest let him go
until the other day. and then I met him
and said:
Jim. what about them So
What So
Them three you owed me for wood
when the panic set in
why. you darned old scoundrel, in
stead of me OWN you s. for wood you
owe me 81 for work, and if You don't
pay it inside of a week I'll begin a
lawsuit agin ye"'
That's one Of the slight signs down
own way OF folks getting their nerve
back" continued the farmer. and IL II
spreads all over the country / haint
going to say whether it will bring back
good times or bring on such a pinch that
paper collars will go up to s. a box, and
we'll have to use dried catnip for smoking
.obscco"
The Washington herald., 1914-04-12

few weeks, but others were firm in
their first idea and soberly shook their
| heads and replied:
You jest wait. Woman amt fools to
show their hand all at once She's lyin'
low, and when she gets ready, there'll
be sudden and awful bust-up,"
1t was a cavalry command, and every
pleasant winters day t,-e captain and his
wife had a gallop over the highways. One
day an engineer was dispatched to see
about repairs to a bridge spanning a
creek flowing through the neutral ground
between the armies, and the orderly SER
goant of Company ID was detailed with
ten men as an escort. The bridge was
reached and inspected. and the engineer
and his escort was ready for their ride
back when there came a sudden alarm.
Half a mile down the road. where Capt.
Shattuck and his wife had debouched
from a cross-road while taking an after
noon gallop, they had run full tilt against
a Confederate cavalry scout. The enemy
had shouted to the captain to surrender,
and as he wheeled his horse to get
away a bullet brought him out of the
saddle His wife would have pulled up
her steed, but he took the bit in his
mouth and was beyond control. As she
went flying up the road the scouting
party followed. They knew of the small
detachment OF Federals at the bridge
and were hoping to make a surprise.
IT'S the captains wife, and the John
nies are close behind her." shouted the
sergeant as the woman came into view
with a great clatter. "Open ranks and
let her through. and then close up and
give 'em hail Columbian
With a rush and a clatteT the horse of
a fugitive passed the blue-clad troopers,
but came to a dead halt a, few rods be-
yond and turned about A volIey from
the carbines checked the pursuers for the
moment but II was seen that they were
strong enough to break through, and the
gave the order to fall back to
an abandoned log house a quarter of q
The Washington herald., 1914-04-12

guarding him. The CalvaCade swept I'D
TO them and surrounded them. and there
were three prisoners instead of three
guards.
Lord, sir. but excuse me. sir, but il
was the captains wife who did il ALL
said the sergeant as he returned to the
colonel. She not only saved her hus-
band from Libby Prison. but We might
all have been wiped out if we'd made a
hsht for it at the old house"
Ihat evening. as the second and the
third sergeants ate their evening meals
the third sergeant looked up and said:
We'll, / amt mindin' other folks biz
ness, nor never was. but I'll go as far
as TO say
Say. now" interrupted the second
sergeant. IF 1t hadn't bin fur your sab
the boys wouldn't have made fools of
themselves, about the captain wife
comm down.
You said as much as I did"
You're a liar
What We MAD about? Didn't we all
Didn't We all say WHAT" asked the
ordcrly-sergeant as he came into the hut,
Didn't We all say that a woman had
no bizness down here. and that the cap-
tain's wife would bust the company all
TO smash
@Ooh HeTe' you IellerS, replied the
sergeant in menacing tones, you want
TO quit yer gabbin' and see that all
others do the same. This mornin' there
was ninety one fools in Company d. This
evening there amt over one, and I'm
lookin' to get my paws on him and break
his neck"
Lord. but ! allus knowed the captains
wife was daisyT' gasped the third SER
geant
You bet your sweet life." added the
second sergeant.
Then you finish your grub and rout
out the boys, for we're going to swing
our hats and give three cheers and q
tigert"
The Washington herald., 1914-04-12

oSS Cow
make an appropriation Of at least 800, ooo
We want gold-leafed cupalo on top. We
want a building that can be seen leven
miles. We want something that will
make Dobbs' Ferry and Huckleberry Hill
look sick"
Mrs. Pinkham has struck it, Mr.. Pres
ident She always hits it. / never knew
her to be wrong in her diagnosis ex-
cept when she said that President Taft
was all brains instead OF all fat.
Get US an appropriation ef 500 0O0
from that pork barrel and the thing is
done. The cheers and yells of our peo-
pie will resound the length and breadth
of the land.
There will be no more coming into the
postoffice and pounding on the shelf of
the general delivery window and yelling
out:
Where in blazes is that burned old
human hyena who runs this circus!
Trot him out. that l may tell him what
I think of him and his old PRESIDENT
| would modestly suggest to you, Mr..
President. that in recommending this ap-
preparation to Congress you specifys a
building at least thirteen stories high.
Your experience has shown you that Con-
rress realizes that there is nothing in 1t
for any one under eight stories. and when
they have reached eight they are smil-
inGIy willing to pile on five or six more.
The basement of such a building cansbe
rented out for a cooper shop, and all the
stories not needed by the postoffice to
lawyers doctors. insurance men. clubs,
agents of oil wells and silver mines and
so on.
One entire story can be rented to the
Jericho Poker Club, of which ! am the
honored president. AS il is now, the
rooms occupied will accommodate only
# 81
to play. 1t is honest poker. Mr.. Presi-
dent. and no one having six motherless
children depending on his earnings is per-
nitted to continue playing after losing
% cents.
Another story could be rented out at a
good figure to the Jericho Art Associa-
ton. 1t numbers upward of fifty mem
The Washington herald., 1914-04-12
Aor~Areo eecr

mutton. This evening / shall cat one
| carrot. one turnip and one onion. and
drink one pint of water. The per cent
Of nutriment will he greater than as If
] had sat down TO a banquet %
We'll. II you have any ailments
| hope you will get rid of them. II would
seem like living IL you would let one
week pass without trying some silly eX-
pertinent on your health
Look here. woman exclaimed Mr..
Bowser. as he jumped up so suddenly
that he almost choked on a piece OF
carrot. Il don't like your talk. You
forget who | am. You sneer at my
ailments and are sarcastic regarding
the rem, dies. Perhaps you are disap-
pointed because | don't drop dead Is
IL silly to strive for perfect health ?
Is IL silly to want to be strong and
rugged? II you were eating raw car
rots to cure yourself of some chronic
aiiment. do you suppose ! would sit
in front Of you and sneer and gibe and
he sarcastic? II | did I should feel
that I ought TO he thrown out doors"
He sat down to his munehing and si-
lence reiCned That Is. silence reigned
as far as was possible with his biting
into the carrot. at intervals with the
strength of a horse. 1t was a corpu-
lent. solid carrot. weighing over
pound and though Mr.. Bowser had had
enough when he had eaten third Of
il. he devoured the remainder on gen
eral principles and to spite Mrs. Bow
ser Half an hour later he began on
q 'urnip as big as his fist. 1t was as
sclid as hickory. but he munched away
un:I all had disappeared. He would
gladly have dispensed with the onion.
but having brought II home and in
cluded it in his list. he felt bound to
crowd il down. Tears came to his eyes
and he swore softly to himself as he
used his teeth. hut he knew that Mrs
Eowser vas watching him out of the
corner of her eyes and he suck TO it,
When he wiped his eyes. he got up and
saun'ered about. and finally observed:
Mrs. Bowser. il may he that YOU
have heard # man named Sampson
Yes" she replied.
What did nc do to distinguish HIM
SELF
"PuIle6 down the pillars Of 4 temple,
believe"
"Ah! I'm proud to find YOU so well
posted. Yes. Sampson pulled down the
pillars OF temple and thereby
The Washington herald., 1914-04-12

mile in the rear.
Men exclaimed the woman, as she
looked from man TO man. do you know
that your captain is back there, wounded
and a prisoner! Are you going to leave
him there"
It's too bad. ma am. but they are three
to one replied the sergeant. We'll be
lucky if we amt killed or gobbled up be-
fore help comes"
But I'm going to ride back. she
cried, as her pale face flushed and her
voice had a thrill to II. IF you won't
go with me to rescue your captain. I'll
let them take me prisoner and go to
Richmond with him
God. ma am" hoarsely whispered the
sergeant with admiration in his eyes,
but we'll have the captain or die. How
far down the road was it,
Not over half mile
md how many rebs in the party?"
Not over fifty"
Fifty rebs and ten of us. Well never
do it. but wen die for the captain! Into
yer saddles, boys. Yen ride on toward
camp with the engineer. ma'a
Not a foot! I'm going with you! Some
one give me a revolver
BY twos-right wheel" shouted the
sergeant as he handed her his navy and
drew his sabre. Now. then, ride through
or over them and don't stop this side of
the captain or HE'LL
II was a curious spectacle the gray
clad soldiers witnessed-a woman riding
at the head of that charging squadron
a woman with white face and glittering
eyes, who held her reins in one hand
and used the pistol with deadly effect
with the other. Through the thick of
them followed the ten, and fearing that
the alarm might have already reached
the Federal camps the Confederates dis
appeared into the woods instead of pursu-
ing. Down there beyond the bridge the
captain was lying on the ground with a
bullet in his shoulder and three men
The Washington herald., 1914-04-12

thought he was ready 10 bring Hercules
forward. Hercules had no long locks 10
be- shorn OF and was a living proof OF
vegetarian diet. Raw onions. carrots
parsnips and turnips had formed his
week day meals, and on Sundays he had
added potatoes or stringbeHns.
And perhaps you'H tell me where Her
cules got his strength" he demanded as
he worked up the muscles in his arms
and kicked out his legs. And where was
Sysiphus and Achilles and-and-'
Why don't you include Socrates. PIin.
and Nero: asked Mrs. Bowser. Why.
whats the matter with you" You are as
white as sheet. and your knees are
wobbling like clothes-prors."
'T-I've got it, ErOaned Mr.. Bowser as
he slowly slid from his chair TO the floor
with his hands locked across his body.
Got what, What is it? Are you suf-
ferIng?'
Got collie. Great Scott. I'm being tied
Ip in knots ! don't believe I'll live five
minutes. TO something for me or I'm
A dead man,
Its the carrot" she said as she helped
hIm up and oSor to the lounge. Cant
you remember what Sampson and Hercu-
les did when a great raw carrot played
circus with 'em?''
But ! can't stand 1t" h.. groancd as
he drew his knees up to his chin and
rolled his eyes TO the ceiling Get
mustard-get a doctor-Eet the hotwater
bag Gm-m, Whoop''
Mrs. Bowser didn't waste any time over
family remedies. \ telephone message
to the family doctor brought him to the
house almost as soon rs she had taken
Mr.. Bowssr's shoes on There was an
hour OF GrOans. gTunts. hot cloths. and
before the doctor could leave
his patient Daring the hour h" hadn't
said much and Mrs. Bowsrr hadn't once
mentioned the vegetarian business. When
ready 10 depart. however. the medical
man sent her out Of the room. and bC nd
ing over the patient IN a fatherIv way
and speaking as a brother might. he said
Sampson Hercules Bowser. you are
going to lie through this. hut want to
tel you something
Yves. doctor. you are sure I will
iIoc"
Reasonably sure. hut | think YOU are
he biggest fool in America. Goodnight.
sir, and don't eat load of hay because
Baalam's ass did
The Washington herald., 1914-04-12
THE CAPTAINS WIFE

no woman be down here without wanting
TO run things and Capt. Shattuck.
Pears to me We might go and tell him
how we feel about it. The discipline of
the company is in yer hands, SO to say,
and nobody hain't got any right to break
il up
Yes. mebbe l ought to speak to the
Captain" unused the orderly. but IN
wait and think it over / amt fur hayin'
women down here, but I'm in no hurry
TO lose my stripes and go back into the
ranks l guess we'd better shet UP and
wait and see what happens"
That closed the talk in the sergeant's
quarters but there was talk among the
corporals and among the priva-es
There was the army in winter quarters
sure OF rest for three or four months,
ana there was the captain of Compauv
ID, with fine, large hut to himself. His
coIonel and his brigadier had given him
PERMISSION 10 send for his wife but from
oroeriy-sergeant to the last private the
men were down on the scheme As for
the heutenants. one was away on fur
Tough and the other on detail.
Ihere was soon great change in the
men OIL Company ID. but the captain did
hct hotce II. 1t was the orderly sergeant,
VINO was virtually In command. who no.
uced the glum looks and heard the mut.
terings. He had made up his mind TO
stand neutral, and neither encourage nor
discourage. Once in a while, when the
tak became too strong. he felt it his duty
10 his superior officer 70 say:
Now, then, hang on to that s.h,
Mebbe the captains wife is poin' n nm
set the bar'l. and mebbe she ain't rs
our business to wait and see, She ajn't
tried to run things so fur"
month had passed and no caIamities
nad occurred. Some of the men began
TO breathe easier, and to wonder il they
haGn misJudged the kind-faced and
smiling little Evor.an who was sscriecits,
a good deal to be with her husband for
The Washington herald., 1914-04-12

'I amt mindin' other folks business.
nor never was" said the third sergeant
as he placed a skillet OF bacon on the
winter-hut fireplace, but I'll go as far
as to say that it don't look right"
"Of course it don't" said the second
sergeant as he put his coffee to boil. ''and
fore long 1t don't look right and it
amt military discipline
What you fellows blowin' about?"
asked the orderly sergeant as he came in
for fire TO light his pipe.
You wouldn't guess in four years
time, and l won't keep ye shiverin' and
tremblin'. The captains wife has GOMEZ"
"N-o-a''
Yes she has Came down to stay the
winter in quarter with him. and Com
pany D is jest talkin' itself hoarse about
il. Did ye ever hear of sich a thing in
all yer born days.
''Durned il ever did! Mighty funny
he never said anything to me about IT,
Wall, WALL
And we was sayin',; said the second
sergeant as he lifted his eyes from the
coffee cup-"we was sayin' that it wasn't
discipline and didn't look right. Jest
think of woman down here. And I'll
tell ye what's goin' to happen. She's
goin' 10 poke around and talk and in
terfere and break this company up. They
say she used TO twist her husband around
her thumb when she was home, and why
shouldn't she do IL here? II she happens
TO git down on ye or me or Jim what's
goin' TO save us from bein' broke?"
by gosh!'' whispered the orde-ly as
he sat down to his smoke.
Wall. what ye goin' to do bout It:"
asked the third sergeant after a pause.
Dunno"
Better find out purity quick, 1 guess,
II you don't want 10 see trouble. Can't
The Washington herald., 1914-04-12

Alas, never: Joe Cannon agreed to
teach me the game. but got made at
something and sent me word that he'd be
darned II ne would
IF you don't know the game then
we'll pass on. I am surprised that the
President didn't make sure Of you be-
fore he appointed you. You feel that
you know the contents OF the letter YOU
are carrying 20 your rival
'Yes-durn his hide
But all you have TO do is TO chuck
II into a mudhOle along the highway. He
doesn't get t. and he doesn't telephone
or write her. and she gets mad and SAYS
he can go to Texas"
Il see-I see
On the one hand is your sworn duty.
On the other your love
And the prIbIem is which shall
choose" asked the Postmaster.
Exactly"
IF he doesn't get the letter she will
throw him over?''
Sure, Mike. You know what a woman
scorned is. II she offers a man her
heart and he refuses il there will be an
awful row
And I may step in and get the prize 80
That's it
I'm. I'm: | should deliver the let
ter"
knew you were the kind Of a man
The Washington herald., 1914-04-12

/ brought death to scores OF his enemies.
but could he have done the wreck II
he had been living on fats and sweets?
His food was fruits and vegetables. his
drink the waters OF the bubbling
spring or the babbling brook. II such
diet gave Sampson his great
strength"
But you forget that after his locks
were shorn he lost his strength" in
teTrupted Mrs. BOwser.
Mr.. Bowser realized that he had been
thrown down. but after moment 3
The Washington herald., 1914-04-12

10 the dining-rOom to cat he- dinner
alone When she returned il was to find
Mr.. Bowser chewing away at raw car
rot. She had opened her mouth to ask
him is he intended to become a horse.
when he blandIy said
We will now resume the discussion
That is. | will say that I have become
a vegetarian. When | inform you that
there are at least 100000 people in this
country who live on a vegetable diet
from week to week you will understand
that there is no fad about 1t. Nature in
tended man TO drink cold water and live
on fruits an vegetables. Up TO the
time he began to eat leafs and pastry
nc was strong as an OK and never had
a pain. Cookery has made a semi-in-
valid OF him. When this is made plain
to you, you will admire my course in
taking up natures diet"