The Newport plain talk. (Newport, Tenn.) 1909-1939, 1914-04-30
that sleeps with mali bag for pill
FOWL"
A Public Philanthropist.

by old Pap Pinkham at his own ex'
pense. They are for the use Of the
old and infirm while they wait. No OBJ
jections to their holding down the
chairs and visiting FIR two or three
hours. Only postottice on the globe
provided with easy chairs. Make u
note Of this when you want anything
In old Pap's line"
And this:
"There are at least forty checker
players in Jericho, and up to the pres
ent time there has been no place al
which they could gather and cuss the
rich and the high cost OF living and
play the game. Old Pap Fnkham
postmaster, hereby announces that he
has hired the vacant cooper shop next
door to the postoffice and fitted it up
as checker club free to all players.
"Such notices as God Bless Our
Home greet the eye on every side.
"Hot or cold cider and not cent to
pay!
"No interference from the United
States government in case of row!
"The place has been made sound
proof. and all kinds Of cuss words will
be permitted!
"Wives who come looking for thei,
husbands at midnight will be furnish
ed with bludgecns!
"Only postoffiec on the face of thu
earth with checkerboard annex
Don't let Hawkins, the druggist, make
you believe he bias got something just
as good"
And this:
During the coming winter our pop
ular postmaster will give the patrons
Of his Office free sleigh ride to Dobbs
Ferry and back every Saturday even
ing. Sleighs capable of holding 10f
people will be on hand at the post
Office.
"No crowding! No strap hanging!
"Mouth organ music in Doth sleighs
and the singing of such songs as 'Old
Black Joe.' The Old Oaken Bucket,
MY Old Kentucky Home etc.
mo arrests by the police!
"Home in time for family prayers
and to wind mp the clock!
Careful drivers for both sleighs and
Old Pap himself in the head one tt
look out for bombs in the road and
give eclaw to the occasion.
"Only postmaster in the wide world
to give free sleigh rides to patrons
Give him call and look over his stock
of mail bags and postage stamps. He
will please you or break leg trying"
Away From Frying Wives.
And this:
"Are you trre son of Jericho? II
40 you play poker. Have you any place
In which to play-any place beside the
haymow In the barn, where your wife
Is like to bulge in on you any mo-
ment?
"No. you have not, but you shall
have!
"Old Pap Pinkham, the prince Of post
masters, has leased the vinegar factory
just west Of the postofice and fitted II
up as poker parlor.
"A checkerboard room on one side OF
the postoffice and poker parlOr on tn.
other! Entrances to both from the Of.
fee!
"You take your choice, and it costs
you nothing.
"At intervals when business is slow
Old Pap drops in and holds a pa,
straight or draws to four flush.
pictures of Mr.. Hoyle and others
hung on the walls.
"You have only to vell out and the
boy comes in with the cider and don't
stand around waiting for tip
Sound proof. the same as the other,
You can cuss your luck in clarion
tones and not be heard outside the
room. A kitty with every game.
"Come right along, whether you
want to buy stamps or not. You will
want to some day. and then you'll re.
member Old Pap"
And this:
"Scores of our citizens use trading
stamps and beer stamps on their let.
tiers. and but for the kindness of Old
Pap their missives would be sent to
the dead letter Office. Instead of SO
disposing of them he ticks on the prop.
err postage stamps and sends them on
a-kiting. He would rather you affixed
them in the first place. but If you are
busted or absent minded don't worry.
SIS there another postmaster on
earth who will do this?"
The Magic Summons.
And this:
Especial Notice! 1t is a well known
fact that Old Pap attends prayer meet.
ing every Thursday evening. and this
Is to give notice that should he be
wanted in the checker or poker room
to make up a hand there need not be
the slightest hesitation in sending q
messenger after him.
"Instruct the messenger to whistle a
bar or two of Old Dog Tray in the
vestibule. and Old Pap will make his
sneak anI run all the way.
as there another postmaster in
America that would do the same?
Trust Old Pap.
"Confde in him.
~Let him be father to you"
OLD PAP PINKHAM.