The Birmingham age-herald., 1914-09-13

pened to the male and that he has got ten lost going home or has been cap tured by bandits, or has, been drowned
 in the gutter. Likewise she hangs his old cigar butts on the wall tied with blue ribbon, and develops telephonitis, and writer's cramp because she cannot do without telling him how she loves him and how she misses him, and how long 1t is between 12:30i a. m., when he. left and D. m. when he will call again.
 In spite of the peculiarities that have been mentioned. 1t is difficult to dis tinguish at sight. You observe a nice. creature with kind eve and gentle demeanor, that at tracts YOU and you go up and pat it on the head to make friends with it. Sometimes you are so attracted by it that you even take it home with you. when. suddenly without a word of warning, It begins to throw fits about some perfectly commonplace girl or young man, and you realize, only too late, that you are alone and at the mercy of lover
 The species of rabies with wliich the lover is afflicted manifests itself in a strange hulicination This illus lon takes the form of supposing that YOU are hungering and thirsting. and iei-isS aNttfNt dl iliBHlS to near about the personal appearance. and the mental and moral charms of some individual You never saw and in whom you do not take the slightest interest
 The lover is of both sexes. and While the males are the most violent they lack the staying powers of the females They are also of all ages ana the older they get the worse they get, and the more to be dreaded as nothing else on earth Is so afflicting as an old maid lover of a senile grand pa one. If once you are attacked by either of these creatures you had as well abandon hope at once as they never go until their victim sinks into a state of insensibility
 There are many varieties of the lover. the most common of which is known as the calf lover. This is al ways very young, and rather shy. and 1t is usually possible to frighten if orr by hurling a few shafts of ridicule at 1t. Another common variety is called the poet. This is a particularly Venomous species, as it oozes slushy verses at every pore. which it reads to you until you pass away in great agony.
 Another species, closely allied to the poet, is the letter writing lover, which may always be recognized at sight. by carrying so many letter in his pockets. or stuffed in its shirtwaist, that if looks like a pouter pigeon As soon as this variety of lover gets its claws on you It pulls out those letter which begin, My ownest own, my precious darling angel love lucky daddie., on you and assassinates you by making you read 40 page missives of devotion ad- dressed to another. Happily, however after the first letter you are reduced to state of softenlng of the brain in which you are not conscious of your sufferings
 The most dangerous variety of the lover, though. Is the widower When one of these especially a graybeard. develops an attack of love it is the most fearsome bore known to poor hu- manity, It simply runs amuclx, seek ing whom it may devour, and neither youth nor- age, nor friend nor foe is safe from it's attack.
 Some think that an old maid with its first case of rabies is equally as dangerous, but this is mistake. The real, simonpure soulwearer, with the ability raised to the Nth power to make one yearn for speedy death. is the widower who is stuck on a 20 year-old girl. Especially chorus girl.
 The mode of attack of the lover re- sembles that of other men devourinp animals. It simply lies in wait for its prey, and the instant it perceives that you are defenseless 1t springs mo, you with a yawp of joy. and while vo,, are being chewed up. it emits sounds that those who have studied it's lam guage. translate thus:
 Say, you. ought to see my girl She is the most beautiful creature in the world Her eyes are like the violets quenchee in dew. Her hair is snun gold Her mouth is perfect cunid bow. Her ears are like seashells. Her complexion is like alabaster Her fjp rre is tall and slight and willow. ana her neck and arms like those of inc Venus de Milo. She is the most intel ligent woman. bright and witty ana vivacious. but not in the least a blue- stocking. She dresses magniffcentIv and is the kind of woman that makes every other woman turn around and rubber as she passes. but she is so eco nomical that it doesn't cost her more than s5 a year to do it. And she is so domestic her angle food melts in your mouth. And she just worships me. She hasn't another thought except about me. Honest, if anything should happen to me. 1t would just kill her."
 Yon g9sp and give little moan of pain as the creature stops to take breath. and then the horrible pitiless fiend begins 1t all over again. Say you ought to see my girl She is the most beautiful creature in the world. !. Her eyes are like the violets etc. etc.