davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington herald., 1914-08-23

Esteemed Fellow Men and Women:
While | cannot say that this is the
proudest moment of my life and worth
thirty years of toll and poverty, ! can
conscientiously say that am pleased be-
yond expression to note the cultivated
and corpulent audience in the hall tonight
The pink handbills scattered around town
with lavish hand have given you the sub
ject of my lecture, and il only remains
for me 10 take up a collection for the
benefit Of the unbelieving heather Chi
nese and proceed with the business in
hand. / was asked this evening If this
would be spiritualistic scene; also, if any
thing would be said in favor OF a Presi-
Dental candidate Make your minds easy
on that score My lectures are all straight
goods and all wool, and l never wonder
from the subjects given.
There are tens OF thousands of men in
this world who are waiting for money to
help them begin career. They are sit
ting around on the fences, loating around
the groceries, and walking up and down
the streets looking for some one to hand
them a stake OF $4,000. 1t never occurs
TO them that they have the capital wanted
right at hand. if they would only make
use of it-ambition and perseverance.
Our first picture this evening may not
he recognized at first glance, but after
a steady sqUint you will be able to identi-
fv il as the man who upset Europe for
years-the Emperor Napoleon. For years
and years. as a young man. he hadn't a
quarter left on Saturday night after pay
ing his board bill. He had TO wear old
clothes. smoke cheap cigars, and lodge
in a garret. Even the CrOss-legged butcher
ON the corner looked down on him. No
The Washington herald., 1914-08-23

a baby. He was the fust and only man
in these yere parts what ever boasted
that he could whop ZeZ White and didn't
hev to fight fur il. He knowed he had all
the advantage. and he showed OF fur
half an hour befo' he went his way In
about three days he cum along agin
was sittin' right thar. same as befo', and
IL anythin' l was a bit weaker. The old
woman was out in the bresh arter roots
10 make a tonic. and that yere Cantank-
erous Jim Babbit looks me over and yells
'Zeb White, yo' ole killer of cOOns and
'possums, I'll gin yo' my farm-my mswl-
my gun, and all l possess on this joyful
airth II yo'll only cum fo'th and tackle
me! l hain't dangerous as danger goes.
l seem to be dangerous. but I'm only a
sheep, ready to run from a boy ten
vars ole. Anythin' and anybody kin
whop Jim Babbit and make him holler
fur mercy. but thar sots a man who
dasn't even hoot at him! I'll find yo'
cave in the mountains, Zeb White. and
yo'd better crawl into it and die!'
WAL" said Zeb White. he talked TO
me jest like that, stoppin' now and then
to crow or TO hoot. and l did think my
ole heart would break with shame and
grief. l knowed 1 could whop Jim Bab-
bit with one hand tied behind me If was
a well man, but yo' see l was POOR and
weakly and could skassly stand up. When
the old woman cum back she found me
grievin' and weepin'. and when l told her
about Jim Babbit she was mad nun to
bust. She seen how mean and onery II
was to take advantage of me. and she sez
to me, sez she:
Never mind. Zeb White: never mind.
Yo've whopped fifty good men in yo'r
The Washington herald., 1914-08-23
MRS. BOWSER'S TRAMP
Her Cold -Heartedness Arouses Mr.. Bowser

The girl being out. il was Mrs. Bow.
ser who answered ring at the front
door at S o'clock in the evening. Mr..
BowseT had finished his cigar and news
paper and was half asleep, but he reused
up and caught her words as she said:
Nothing for you this evening. I gave
you money two or three days ago"
Who was that?" asked Mr.. Bowser
as she returned to the sitting room.
"A great big lazy tramp. He has call
ed here four or five times in succession
It's a wonder the police allow such men
to ply their vocation"
But you spoke to him mighty curtly.'
"Of course ! did. / got through say
ing please to tramps long ago"
In other words, you didn't care
whether you hurt his feelings or not
II was not enough that he must go away
with hunger unsatisfied, probably to walk
the streets all night. but you must add
to his miseries by your cruel Words
Perhaps l ought to have invited him
in and given him the guests chamber
for the night"
There is no call for sarcasm" said
Mr.. Bowser, as he began to get red in
the face and walk about the room. "a
tramp is simply an unfortunate. He is
entitled to our sympathies II people ex-
tended an encouraging hand there would
be no tramps. You are like all the rest
you want to kick a man when he's
down. I shan't envy your feelings II
that poor man is found dead tomorrw
morning"
What do you want me to do?" asked
Mrs. BowSer.
II want you to speak kindly and gently
even II you can give nothing. A word
may turn one of these men for good or
evil. l would not have your frozen heart
for all the money on earth
He's probably hanging around on the
block yet. why don't YOU call him in
and extend your sympathies?"
Woman. remember who YOU are talk
ing to, Your suggestion is a good one.
] will call him in"
Don't he silly.
Never you mind about my Stiffness.
That poor old tramp shall he made TO
understand that there is at least one
person with feelings on this street"
Next minute Mr.. Bowser was on the
front doorsteps. He hadn't the least idea
Of finding the tramp. and was therefore
disacreeahly surprised to find the fellow
aiming against the gate. AS he had
started in 10 raise a racket. he must
carry II out. and he could do no less
than call the man in. He proved to be
a hig. strong tourist" with a red nose
and a strong smell Of whisky about
him. and there was nothing gentle or
sympathstic in his tones as he stood In
the hall and said:
"If It's ashes you want carried out. I've
got a lame hack and can't do it"
Are you hungry asked Mr. Bowser.
as he conducted him to the sitting-room
and found Mrs. Bowser gone
The Washington herald., 1914-08-23
OLD ZEB w HIT E
Tells How Cantankerous Man Got Licked

One day, when Zeb White, the 'possum
mountain with a woodchuck he had
caught in a trap. he told me this story:
"sunthin' got wrong with me one spring
few vars ago." he began. and I Jest
fell away and got weak and tottered
around like a sick mewl. hadn't the
strength to lift an ak, nor the grit to
look bar in the face, and one day along
Gums Jim Babbit. Jim owed me a grudge
fur putin him on his back at town meet
in. but as long as l was a well man he
dasn't hoot within forty rods Of me. He
seen was sick and weak that day. and
he stands right out thar and yells:
"'Zeb White, I'm knives and guns and
clubs and cold pizen all rolled together!
I'm bar and wildcats and snaiks all MINI
gIed up and tied in knots! I'm thunder
storms and hurrycanes and spring fresh
cts rolled up in a bundle and ready for
bizness""
That was a sort OF challenge to you.
I suppose?" I said.
Yes. that's what it was" replied Zeb.
IF I'd bin a well man, I'd hev tackled
him befo' he could have got out ten words
OF brag. but bein' sick I had to let him
go on. He jumped on his hat. paved up
the airth and crowed like a rooster, and
all could DO was TO sot thar and cry like
time, and no sich varmint kin take away
The Washington herald., 1914-08-23
THE LIME-KILN CLUB
Does Riding the Bike Cure Bowless?
Bowlees?

homecoming and should she express a
wish that he would break his neck as he
set out for a spin? Should she either ride
or sacrifice her feelings! The Judge con-
tended that she should, and desired
vote on H. a vote was taken. He then
moved that the charges against the MEM
Der be dismissed, and this action was
taken without objection.
Prof. SlaybaCk Harper. who was one
of the organizers Of the club, arose TO ask
for information. Ever since he was ten
years old he had always carried a razor
down in his hind pocket. the same as
most Other colOred men. That razor was
his weapon OF Offense and defense. II
had been with him as he danced, as he
skated, as he sal in church or walked
about. The question was now being agi-
tated. should a colored man carry a
razor while riding a bike?" He couldn't
say who first put the question. but II
was one which must be promptly met and
settled. II was his private opinion that
II was the idea Of a white man, who
wanted to get away UGsCathed after run
ming into a colored bikest. II was a qUes-
tion for the club TO decide. II it decided
The Washington herald., 1914-08-23

mvself. I was fur teIln' Jim Bahhrt that
MS time was dTawin' Clus. hut the ole
woman Figured out hat we'd gin him
surprise party. So l went ught along.
TUrtending to be weak and feeble. and tn
he t'up under Jim $ brag. and. thlnkin'
that I was bound To die, he kept CROWN
wus and wus. Rime-by. aTter couple ut
weeks had gone past. | felt was all night
and that The time had cum 10 pay on
ole debts. l got on tNe doorstep thar
pearin' to be half dead. and Jim Baboir
he showed up and begun
Zeb White. durn No plctur. but m
a dyin' man, I'm dyIu'. kase l want to
chaw yO' up and yo' won't foLt.'
Jim Rabbit. I'm warnin yo' 10 go away
befo' l do yo' mortal injury"
"Ho, Shoe. WhoOP, Say Zeh White. If
yod only cum ont and tackle me Id die
content, l won't hurry yo', Zeb. I'll Jest
break yo' in two and throw the pieces to
the hresh-heaP"
Ar yo' Gwtne away. Jim, or ar ys
gwine TO stop around till I'm riled up
and dangerous
'DangeroUs-Uh hoopee' Now may the
Lawd take ten vars of my life if yoH
only cum out yere and look Cross-eyed AT
me, They tells me yo' was a good man
once. Zeb White. but arter yo got kick
ed by a mewl yO lost All yo'r sand. I've
got an ole grandmother, Zeb-an ole
grandmother powerful elus to ninety
aTs OIe-and tomorrow III bring her
down y"re on my back and dare yO'
tackle her. Whoop, WhoOHee. Why
don't this we're Stait O. Tennessee grow
a human critter what dares to feel of one
OF my ears. Why don't
And then what happened?' I asked as
Zeb raused.
Then jumped fur him he grimly re-
piled.
And them
We'll. it was too bad-too bad. He
hain't had no mind since. He's in a
sylum fur crazy people. and they say
he won't never cum out
Did you hurt hirl7''
Never laid Il hand on him. sab. He
was so surprised and skeart when
jumped fur him that he jest went daft
and stood thar with his mouth open and
his tongue out. No, I never teChed him.
was gwine to almost kill him, but the
Lawd stepped in and punished HIM wusA'
The Washington herald., 1914-08-23

Il have seen your chief and know how
/ the mistake came about Nothing you
said to me will go further. What you are
up to / don't know and don't want &c
know, but don't mix me in il. Good day. -
He mumbled blessings on my head and
disappeared to be seen no more, nor did
the twin brother call on me or send me
any word. NV waiter was also knocked
out when he discovered that a mistake
had been made. but a few words quieted
him. The Russian spies must have had
a bad time of it trying 10 settle on the
right man. but they finally decided in my
favor. The Englishman was free from
surveillance, while l was dOgged closer
than before.
At the end of a week, and while they
were still dogging me, and l was rather
enjoying IT, there was a fire aboard of Z
ship in the harbor 1t was about O'Clock
at night, and a great crowd gathered on
the wharf to watch the confiagration.
made one OF the number. and in my anx-
iety to secure a good view l mounted the
bows of a smart-looking brig lying at a
wharf. I was hardly over the rail before
two men followed and seized me and hus-
tied me down into the cabin. They were
the Russians who had been spying on me.
OF course. l protested and demanded, out
was run into stateroom and locked
up, and within an hour the brig was out
of the harbor. 1t seemed as If she simply
had been waiting my arrival on board.
We had been under way a couple Of hours
when my door was opened and was or
dered to step out. l found the captain
Of the brig. the two spies and a Russian
government official awaiting me.
I have told you that the Englishman
and 1 looked to be twins, but l had not
had time TO look for little details. AS
sat down opposite the Russian oficial he
began comparing my description and ap-
pearance with a written description, and
at the end of five minutes he rose up and
thoundered at the two spies:
'Dolts! Idiots! Blunderers! You have
arrested the wrong man! This is not the
Englishman"'
There was a row to beat the band for
the next ten minutes. The spies protested
that 1 answered the description given
them and had carried on the character
in all ways, and the ofheial shouted at
them:
Has he a mole on his chin7 Does his
left eyelid droop a little? Is there a scar
on his right-hand thumb? Oh, you blum
derers and incompetents, but you will be
rewarded for this"'
IL not too.mueh- trouble" J said -
The Washington herald., 1914-08-23
THE WRONG MAN

I was at Stockholm simply as a tourist
and sightseer, and was all alone. I had
no idea Of meeting any one I knew. and
a surprise awaited me on the first night
of my arrival. when a man whom l clear
" saw was a Polander edged along to me
on the veranda Of the hotel as l smoked
my cigar and said:
You are discretion itself. Mr.. Grelling
You have registered under another name
How were matters in London when you
Ief-?"
I don't exactly understand you" I lc-
piled as ! looked him over and made sure
that we had never met before.
i admire your caution" he said with
a laugh, but you need have no fear Of
me. You see have my credentials"
He took a card from his pocket on
which was inscribed three capital letters
OF the Greek language with a curious
scrawl beneath. and as I looked without
being able to make head or tail of the
thing he whispered
The others will be here inside of two
days, and We will have a meeting. I have
been here three DAYS. and I find nothing
to alarm me. l trust matters in London
are all right
AS far as I know" I replied as Ie-
turned his card and wondered whether
he was trying 10 cheek me or had really
mistaken me for somebody else.
Good. We can settle all the details
in an hour after the others get here. 1t
will be as well that We are not seen to-
Eether. but will notify you when we are
ready"
When he had gone. made up my min1
that he had mistaken me for another
man. but I could not quite catch on TO
his expression. He was evidently in
Stockholm by appointment, and others
were to arrive later. and Mr.. Grelllng.
who was probably an Englishman, was
The matter puzzled and annoyed me for
half an hour. and then / dismissed Il
from my mind. Three hours later. as I
retired TO my room, the stolid-faced and
wooden-headed waiter who carried my
light hung about in a queer way after
setting the candle down. and finally gave
him a small coin and waved him out. In
stead Of going he whispered TO me:
Il wish to warn you! Strange men
have been here for week. think hey
are waiting for you"'
But who can be looking for me?' /
queried in reply.
You know best. Good night and God
save you! I will keep my eyes and ears
open for you"
I wanted TO question the man. but he
hurried away and left me more befogged
than before. I spent an hour trying to
figure out some satisfactory conclusion
and then fell asleep. Next morning at
breakfast the same man waited on me. I
had a little table by myself and while
bringing my dishes the waiter whispered
in my ear:
The two strange men are at the fourth
The Washington herald., 1914-08-23

no razOrs" then he would disarn, but
he wanted II distinctly Understood thac
in place OF a razor he would carry an ice
pick or file.
The question rolus before the meeting.
half a dozen members arose. one after
the other, 10 discuss it, hut all agreed
that he razor and the coIored man should
he one and tnseT arabic and that no eX
Ception should be made. II was decided.
however, that all raz0rs ca riCd by mem
bers Of the club should have the name
Of the club engraved on the handle. and
they should be welded only N ease %
last resort.
Mai Ca!abash. chairman or the corn
miJt@e on .EcNrIe IGsctt@. then submit
ted the following,
In case any member of his club has
money To lend lie shall give the preference
to Cellow-r1emher>.
In ,asc oc the death " any member.
all members shall attend hIs fvnr.aI in
:un-dress suits and ja,e TarttcI.tr PAINS
To assuac- ~, grief Of ;he widow ed and
the Il hrrl-Ss-
In .aS.. any member give straw berry
festival or an Irc cream sO.rtc re viii
he expected 10 invite only those who ride
the hlN"
''Memncrs may and NAV not raise their
hats To- females encountered 0n tn street.
bGt .H ,ase Of meeting q fellow member :
wife thr head mus. Ea uncovered Ard the
right foot s-raped along The Wa.A for a
distance Of three feet
In case Of meeting a stranger with
load ~ hay. A member Of this club an do
as he pleaScs about turning out. hut IN
case Of meeting fcll"U-memher With a
UhecIbar-ow tho man on Ito hike VIII
be eN0er' rd to DO all the CoGGiuC.
'AU baby carriages h"IonEsu- 70 the
wives of members should he .lv marked
and all infants plainly stamped. and IN
such cases -sGe-s VIII tai.r all Trecau-
tiuUs AGAINST collision.
In case a m. mn,r Of this club is ar
rested FOR Sror,h.uE 0r casting. II will
he th~ dEtv OF nt1e~ members % appear
and testify in h.S tavo.. and while so tes-
tfyinG thoy can't make the English
language too stIonE."
The report was ac,e7ted and adopted.
and on motion OF Whyfore Davis it was
resolved that one members dog should
he sacred to another If properly Identified.
The Washington herald., 1914-08-23

y0'r reputashUn. Can't nobody make me
believe that yOG ain cO!u TO git well
enough to whop Jim Eabbit ne wuSt
he was ever whopPCd hv mortal man
Il sorter felt a leetle better arter that.
said the old man. aS ne cast grateful
look toward the wife sitting in the cabin
door: but VII il was powerful hard TO
bar. That cantankerous Jim Babbit Gums
along most every day TO 90 through his
performance and every time got so mad
I had to cry. II had said the word, the
ole woman would hev gone out and tack
led him. and in far fout she would
hev made him eat dirt. Some of my
friends stood ready, too, but | Jest felt
thet I wanted to save the critter fur my
self alone. l didn't hev nuthin' pertickler
to say 10 him. but jest waited. II died,
it was all right. and if lived and got my
strength back, I'd surprise him some DAY.
One niGht-one night arter Jim Babbit
had bin BLOWN at me in the usual way.
and ! had gone into the cabin and was
weepin' the ole woman suddenly speaks
up and seq:
- 'Zeb White. there's n Lawd in heaven,
amt there
That's what they sez.
And he's as much in Tennessee as
anywhav' else?'
Reckon he is
Then l am gwine to pray to him, Zeb
-gwine to ask him to hurry up and make
yo' we'll SOS yo kin whop that cantank-
erous Jim Rabbit. We've tried doctors
and roots and yarbs and poltiCes, but they
amt done no good. Now we'll try Prayin'
to the LsTd.'
she went of and prayed. and l reckon
she must hev got a powerful brace with
her feet, and that the Lawd was waitin'
for her. fur that night began to git bet
ter. Yes. sab, | woke up at midnight and
felt the change. and I was 50 happy that
woke up the ole woman and seZ:
"'Durn my hide. hut I'm hungry tur
the fust time in two months, and that
trembly has all SOne out to my knees.
e Shoe, Zeb White. l dun prayed that
this would be so. and the Lawd has made
it So I'll git righ. outer bed and cook
chicken.
And so you began TO gain" asked.
Right then and thar. Jest as said"
he replied. Il was feelln' quite peart by
mawning. and in three days didn't know
The Washington herald., 1914-08-23

table. l am sure they are Russian spies
and will watch you"
Now l had the key to The mystery.
There was some sort OF a conspiracy on
foot, probably against the peace OF the
Gar. and the ConspiratOrs were TO meet
at Stockholm. From what l had read and
heard on such affairs the plans and plots
generally originated in England or Swift
erland. but these men had selected nearer
ground. Their plot must have been sus-
peCted, or the Russian spies would not
have been there. Yes, the two men were
Russians, and though their idea seemed to
he 10 pass for merchants they made
poor showing at it. I don't pretend to say
that a spy can always be spotted offhand,
but l do assert that after one of them
has followed the occupation for several
years there are many ways in which ne
hetrays his calling to an observing eye.
They cast many furtive Elances in my di-
reCtion. and when l realized that was TO
be under espionage felt spirit of devil
try take possession OF me. l would carry
off the role of Conspirator with brazen
cheek. For the next two days l was
closely shadOwed. Whenever l wandered
about the town, one OF the two men fol-
lowed me No doubt ii was noted down
whom l addressed when took my meals.
how many cigars 1 smoked, and all other
little details. After the first day Of this
spy business the same stolid faced waiter
slipped into my room with pale face and
whisperingly exclaimed:
Those spies are following you every
where! For Gods sake be careful! All,
me. but who could have put them on the
scenen'
See here, Hans 1 said as I put my
hand on his shoulder, you are evidently
on the inside Of this affair, and wish
you would tell me what in the devil Il
all means. Has your gang planned to rob
bank, steal a steamboat, or upset the
Russian government? l don't like TO 20
it blind this way"
He looked at me open-mouthed for half
minute, and then a broad grin stole over
his face. He thought I was playing of
on him TO test his prudence and loyalty
You will carry it through all right"
he finally said with many heavy mods of
his head, and he went away looking very
we'll pleased.
At the end Of another twenty-four hours
] got further insight into the mystery
l had strolled into another hotel three or
four blocks away to examine the register
as globe-trotter invariably does for no
reason he can explain, when saw a trav-
eler who might have been nv twin
brother as far as outward appearance
went. He was Of my height and weight.
had the same colOred eyes, hair. and mus
tache, and l believed our own mother
would have wondered which was which.
He stared at me, and stared back, and
/ wandered back into my own hotel.
knowing that the real man from London
had arrived. An hour later the Pole came
to me in a great funk He had confused
the two OF us. as well he might, and give
his little affair away to a stranger, bur
! stopped him With
The Washington herald., 1914-08-23

! fnd that Tve-been mistaken in you. You
are evidently an old bum instead Of an
unfortunate man
And you invited me in here to say
so. didn't you? Your wife turns me away
cool as ice and then you invite me in
TO hurt my feelings Old cock-a-dOodle,
don't monkey with Tom the Tourist
I'm see you out" replied Mr.. BOwser.
as he preceded him 10 the door.
And no punk
Not a penny"
And I'm an old bum
You are"
Then smell that
The that was the tramPs fist and
1t smashed gainst Mr.. Bowsers nose with
such force as to land him on the floor
in a sitting position and brought blood
pouring out over his chin. II was a couple
OF minutes before he could struggle up
and figure out what had happened. and
then the tramp disappeared. Mrs. Bow
ser hadn't though. From her position on
the stairs she had seen and heard all. As
Mr.. BOwser stood with his hands TO his
nose she called down:
Did you speak kindly 10 him. dear?''
Mr.. Bowser looked up at her and gasped
but he couldn't say a word.
He seemed TO have new aims and am
bition as ne went OUT she said she
sat down on the stairs
Mr.. Bowser began jumping up and
down. but the cuSs words wouldn't come
I'm sorry about my frozen heart" she
went on. and you'd better go down to
the kitchen to wash the blood OF. When
you come up"
He didn't wait to hear any more. She
had been in bed two hours when he came
softly upstairs and Undressed in the
darkness. and without uttering a word.
He wanted to say thousands of things
and yell them out at the top OF his voice
but his nose was swelled to three times
its usual size. his back ached, and he was
in a hurry to get to bed and to sleep. He
owed Mrs Bowser one. but il was on ice
to keep 'iill the next time.