The Washington herald., 1914-06-15
st,tesnsh, Ri Al Near.
By vRnp e KELLY.

Edwin o. Wood. Democratic national
committssmAn from Michigan. IL pro-
fessionai Joker. But on his last trip 70
Washington Wood had . lot Of hard
luck with his prani<ss Nearly every one
that he attempted had bareback to it.
For instance. on the train he. was travel
Ing with friend who doesn't smoke.
Wood went back 10 the smoking com
partment. leaving his friend In his seat.
Then he called the conductor to him.
| THAT man up yonder... says Wood,
pointing out his travelling companion. is
q little on his nut. and am his keeper.
It seems to irritate him II ] stick around
too close, 30 I'm going TO take a chance
on leaving him alone for little while.
But ! wish you would keep an eye on
him. Walk up to him occasionally and
tell him he's all right. That always seems
to soothe him. II he tries to leave his
seat. don't let him. He may try to con-
vince you that he's perfectly sane. and
he can put up q good story, too. for he
really acts all right most Of the time. He's
q clever guy in his way"
| In few minutes the conductor came
running back to Wood and said:
Your friends all right, but there's a
crazy woman back In the next car and
they can't handle her. You probably
know more about such people than any
body else aboard. So III have to get you
to come back and help us out"
| Before Wood could remonstrate, the
conductor had dragged him back into
the other car and the crazy woman took
q great fancy to him. He was obliged
to ride with her until she got on the
train.
About a week after that Wood went
into a Washington hotel with a friend
and began to give an order to the col
ored waiter.
George" he began. wed like a nice
sirloin steak. extravaganza style, with
Q pluribus unum sauce. and a few mush-
rooms de bonis non. Then bring us some
potatoes alter ego. tomatoes caput NOR
tum. new peas durante beneplacito: oh.
yes, and some watercress salad with cor
pus deficit and quasi dressing. Now have
you got that all down?
"Yes. sah," replied George quietly. Il
guess / got II all, sah-sirloin steak. ex-
travaganza style. e pluribus unum sauce.
mushrooms de bonis non,. potatoes alter
ego"
Well. he read of the whole list OF stuff
just the way Wood had said. Wood
couldn't have repeated 1t all himself. He
looked up at the waiter and blinked.
| How'd you remember 1t all?" he asked
in a subdued tone.
And the walter replied all in Latin.
quoting a passage from old Julius Caesar.
1t seemed that the waiter was working
| his way through some colored university
near Washington.
| Il guess It's on u.s." muttered Wood
Il haven't got away with a Joke now
for a week"
Sam Blythe. the temperance writer, and
Tom Pence, the genial ard high-minded
publicity agent de luxe for the Democratic
party, met on a Washington street cor
ner one morning simultaneously with the
Matching of a scheme in Sans mind to
make q little money. By means Of hav-
ing quit drinking and writing about how
| he quit, Sam makes a good living as II
| Is. but he thought 1t would be fine to
make even more money. and he con-
fded to Tom his little plan. He had
| learned Of a certain stock that was FIX
ing to shoot skyward, and all that one
had to do. as Sam looked at II. was
simply to purchase a little block of this
stock. One could then sit back quietly
| awaiting developments. and in an absurd
ly short time clean up a small fortune
without the bother of having to work
for II.
4 Tom Pence stood thoughtfully finger.
| ing q little assortment OF subsidiary coini
in his pants pocket while Sam was talk
| ing Half timidly Tom suggested thai
he, too, would like to add to his fortune
He explained. though. that he had evei
been reluctant TO invest in stocks fol
fear they might not move according tc
schedule, and that he was extremely
anxious not to have much less money thar
| at present.
Finally, at Toms suggestion. he ant
Sam were to put little money into q
| common fund and go ahead. dividing
equally all profits or losses-provided, a:
Tom expressed it, that Sam woulC
tend to everything
| Well. when they had lost a triie more
than 500 apiece. Sam decided that per-
haps the thing had gone far enough, and
he withdrew their funds from the con-
test.
The next day, in an effort to cheer
himself up. Sam wrote a magazine ac-
| count Of his and Toms project. and sold
the article for 5000. When Tom heard
of this he wrote Sam a letter as fol-
lows:
My understanding was that We went
into this thing on a fifty-fifty basis. So
please send me your check for $500 as
my share of the profits
And the funny part of 1t was that Sam
was game and offered to come across.
the money.