Grand Forks daily herald and the evening times., 1914-07-22
COLONEL bob IS
AN entertainer
Gives Flickertails and His
Kids Many a Laugh at
the Club House.
BY Benz

Twas an off-day for the Flicker
tails and the Twins. but twas a merry
time the boys did have.
Out at Dacotah park in a little
building politely referred to as the
club house. they gathered and while
h wind blew the rain through the
walls. listened to Jefferson de Angels
Uuglaub give three or four of his
justly famous monologues and re-
hearse the speech he Is to give on the
occasion of the celebration Of his
birth. r.
Once or twice a few of the assist
ing comedians were allowed the CEN
ter of the stage. but for the most part
Colonel Robertus held the boards.
Despite the fact hat the interior Of
the building was hotter than one or
two places the Colonel mentioned. he
kept his makeup on and to the tune
of The Gangs All Here" waltzed
through a vaudeville stunt that would
make Jefferson De Angels look like
one of the Cherry sisters.
Now boys" the Colonel began,
Unglaub specials. This was written
for me by myself, and expurgated by
the national commission. don't
know what they did in doing it. but it
has the Observation-Disclosures con-
sorship tag cheated four ways to Ed
die Wheeler after a pennant.
Il call it The Seven Ages of Base
ball and before continuing. I call
your attention to the fact that
1t. If he a he would have died in
Jail long before he had time to make
himself a nuisance to school kids.
las you doubtless know gentlemen,
/ was educated for the ministry, but
was thrown out at first base. Con-
sequently I became a ball player.
Henceforth l shall talk in the YER
nacular of the diamond. Now. then,
DO, for the seven ages.
First is the doughhead age. You
come rumbling out of the bushes,
brush the alfalfa from your ten-dol-
lar-hand-me-down cover-all and hike
for the spring training camp in charge
of a bunch of major league players,
who make you their plaything. While
not doing fool things to coax a wee
smile across their mugs. YOU are
working your toes off to make, the
old man think you can play ball. Then
you go back to the farm for another
year or two, after which you break
forth as a regular bench warmer.
Then comes the big head age. Do
you know what that means? OF
course you do. YOU NUTS. Every new
n thinks the grand stand was made
for his special benefit. and he keeps
his lamps fastened on three or four
the ball UP and then slants the grand
stand bugs to see If they saw it. 1
had one of those boys a year or two
ago. He's chuck the ball at me cock
eyed. Say. that fellow made a first
baseman out of me. Well. when YOU
get that Im-the-kid stuff out of the
hoob's gear box. you can make a ball
player out of him.
Now. then. snooks l introduce to
you the pinhead 6 In his g
we find the boobs who have to be led
around by the nose and directed on
their way. When they hit the ball
you have to tell them where first base
Is, or they turn around and run to-
ward the danes in the rear. If YOU
tel them to sacrifice a mar to second
they ask you politely if it wouldn't be
better to bury the ball in a far-away
heid and sacrifice him home. The
only way for these guys to get a hit
is to wait until some dark night and
let the ball bean them.
Ana, here we are right up against
the family-head age A ball player
occasionally gets a short-circuit or
two in his old storage battery and then
he nurses the Idea thai he'd like to
draft a female manager. and proceeds
! ~ 50. Alter that. ne SHES at a
poker table and actually becomes
frightened at a glass of beer. until a
wee recruit comes along and then he
loosens up again. Until he find out
that he has a daughter, he trots
around the club house telling what
q Connie Mack his kids going to be.
Here's the sorehead age. The guy
that thinks he can pitch seventeen
straight games and then go in the
next day n simply hurl Walter John
son into oblivion. but who tells YOU
what a rotten manager you are when
o yank him in the first ming for
pitching in seven runs. Or the 900
hitter who gets sore when you won't
let him pinch~hit a victory when the
circuit is crowded with human beings
itching to grab off a little run. Or
the fielder who boots forty games
away. and then tells you you can go