davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1914-02-17
* A Few Humorous Stories .

Old GotroX tsavaiely)--So you
want 10 marry my daughter. do YOU?
DO you think two can live as cheaply
as one?
Young Softly Cslightly embarrassed)
IL hardly think YOU will notice
any differences, sir.''-Puck.
They tell me that plays are built
up. Is that SD
Here is the method. cop q joke. /
tell it around and 1t goes: Next I
make q. dialogue Of it. Then ! add a
character and it becomes a vaudeville
sketch. II it still goes good We make
three acts Of it, and then it's Il play
The case had been long protracted.
and was going one too we'll for the
defendant. His counsel, therefore.
had recourse to bullying methods.
One of h plaintiffs witnesses. "A
notorious old iailbird. had Just left
the box. his place being taken by an
old plastcrer.
Have you ever been in prison?"
asked the barrister.
Eyes. sir" replied the witness
''twice."
"Ah! And for how long, may I
ask?'
First time for al afternoon. Sec
ond time for about nm hour. You see,
sir" continued the witness. taking adj
vantage of the barrister's confusion.
II val sent to prison to whitewash a
cell for a lawyer who had been rob-
bling his clients"
A tailor with more ingenuity than
education had occasion recently to or
der two large 1atirons. of the variety
known as the "tailor's goose" He
ecratcbed his head in. some p~erplextiy
over the proper plural form tn use.
Two %tailors' gooses:." he muttercd.
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1914-02-17

Hackel had commissioned her to pay
for them. too!
MY sister, she said, pleasantly,
and Mi. Hackel have decided to be-
come one twain
Your sister, said HARRINGTON.
There was no obvious reason for the
joy of his tone.
Maria had gon in a rush. She had
caught her gloves from q drawer as
she rushed and dropped one I'm
noticed.
Harrington must have lost some IF
his chivalry. lie picked it up, but
he didn't try to overtake her to re-
store it. although the elevator had
not yet arrived to take her down. He
kept it. He didn't restore 1t till next
evening. And he told the bookkeeper
to shut up when that young gentle
man wanted to know why he was
prying into the book containing the
addresses Of employees OF course if
Hackel was cnsased 10 her sister
and he didn't get much Of a salary
it would be like a h~ne-hearted girl
to pay for her own lunch.
Later he learned that the story of
several needy Young brothers and Sis
tiers was ~ %fignlcnt. as far as the
needy part was concerned. Maria
Arters' father made quite enough to
keep them in ,axicab fare. But Har-
rington didn't care. He is quite de-
mandatory toward the clingins type
Of ona =.
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1914-02-17

INskpu.
let i'm partiaiiN. But it was seldom
that sllo VAS not busy for she was
alniahle to weakness. and tho city
statesmen so, into the habit OF taking
their letters to- her. ignoring. the
other less accurate young aides who
were paid to look after their CORE
%Spondcnce. But not harrington. At
tho end of a year in the same suite
of Offices his intercourse with her
had never got beyond GOOD morn-
ing and Good night
Sometimes she actually whistle,I
While she typed. II was a 1blataptly.
cheerful whistle. and she nung off the
oilcloth cover OF her. typewriter with
the same Joyous movements thai
in llarrinston's opinion - q. woman
should reserve for laying n dainty
Observation-Disclosures lunch cloth OH her
w dining table.
And there We're other tricks that in
ritated him. Positively she licked the
she liked the job. She WAS glad TO
=" tu lunch and Slad to get back To
work, and she loved frilly clothes, or
SO she contided TO Alice. the nearest,
typist. And Maria Arters' condolences
were made in a loud. penetrating voice
that included The entire force.
To harrington Il typifed in "a
most IepeIlent form the ultra -n,oder,,
woman. And her %nndoniable beauty
made her more repellent. She vas
one who could stay at home il she
desired. Even il her parents were
poor. she could easily marry. The
attitude of all the men in the Office
except himself proved that any time
she raised her small, pinS-nailed fin
gers she could change the clicking
keys for the Jingle of her own china
closet. lTackel, i'll particular. a. small
tiark-eyed man, was in love with her,
aud didn't care who knew ii. Har-
rington once or twice saw them
lunching together, and one day he
happened to he near enough to see
that Miss Arters paid for hers and
Hacked paid for his. Tic fairly snort
cd with disgust.
For n moment Harrington was
tempted to ask that self-sufficient
young, lady to take lunch with Ilim,
aud il she attempted any such
amenities Of civilization. But he
didn't--partly because he disliked her
too much: partly because she didn't
seem to be lunching with any one
but Hacked. and Harrington didn't
want to iptrdude in another mans
territory. .
And then one of the under clerks, in
Il. sush Of unasked chunnminess, told
Harrington one day a very sad story
to The effect that Miss Arters had
some eight or ten brothers and sis
tiers whom her salary fed and clothed
and took to the movies. Marriage was
not for llcr until these aforesaid
young relatives grew up and could
fcnd for themselves.
That rather changed Harrinston's
attitude. 1t was with Il worry decided
feeling Of sympathy that lie recalled
her confidence ancnt frilly hlouses.
Her asgrcssivc chcerful1less had al
ways seemed a bit too blatant to be
real. Harrington pitied her. And,
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1914-02-17
The Evening Story
II

Copyright. 1914. 10y w. Wcrner.)
Harrington didn't like Maria Art
crs, his employers chief stcnogapher.
harrington was born in Dixie. and
although he had got over the idea
that m to be Il true woman must
sit by the tircsidc and toy with n fan
or a darning needle he had got ovcr
it with difficulty. but lie had nurtnrcd
the notion that if IL woman had To
work she should work in the name
OF one Who properly and drearily
longs for tho 1iresidc.
Maria .Artcrs didn't work that way.
She was IL pretty g%irl--ali blond,
with dark blue eyes and the form
that just suited a pink clingy chiffon
evening gown. She wore business
like waists and neat skirts. She
drew almost as much for being a
stenoglapher AS Harrington did for
selling. and she earned every cent.
She could type ten letters in as few
minutes. and the letters were a
credit to the firm. When she was
not busy h read a fashion sheet or
tho sporting page OF a trade pamph-
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1914-02-17
ARGENTINE L,>u: STOCK

n friend hands us the following
paragraph, clipped from the Breeders
''dzette, OF Chicago. :: publication
Encwn to live took men all oNcr the
.'ountrN for the completeness and ac-
turacy of its information on that in
aiustry, az we'll as for tho fairness and
Gnpartiality of its Treatment of FACTS:
New. from Puerto nrscadn in
tuuthern Argentina states tho san
Julian %Trigortico purchased during
''uiuc weeks 5000 wethers, TO Yield
~" pounds dressed. for S2.l2 each,
Dor delivery in January. and 1000 10
i 'ela IS pounds at ille same price;
900 cattle. uf which %n per cent ave
:" b" steers. for Fehruar, delivery.
,"r $lo.6a. l.ast Year the three frecz-
ng establishments working III I'ata-
.s"nIa slaneh,crr,l iao.noO shcrp and
10000 cattle. Tho sheep arc nr good
quality. as II rule, but Tho cattle arr,
quite indife,ently trch.'
3 The prices quoted do NOT look ,er>
sfncourasina for III" American gruwcr.
p'tnd animals frolil the territory refer
ned to in the article arc admitted tn
abe United States free Of duty undo,
.hc present tariff Law.
{ our informant SAYS that thus far
~t,'ices are holding up we'll i'm tn"
%sNnerican centcrs. which he asrrihes
b" the fact that Within the last few
hears. great drouths have swept OFF
i've stock from the ranges in seycra,
Vt the southern country. and as a re-
suit the worlds supply "r animals
e,as been short for some time. aud
remains short today.
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1914-02-17

stead OF the line Weak and sinful
though VIC be- he gave us his render-
ing. W. can sing, full though we be-"
His chubby appearance might he
taken as evidence of the bility
OF his assertion.
When Il. IL. Sothern and Julia Mar.
lowe We're playing in a. western city
last season a rural couple stepped up
to the box office aud the man said:
"Playin' Shakespeare here, they tell
me?"
Yes. sir" replied the ticket seller.
Whats the show tonight"
LAS You Like It,"
Wall, that's what [ call accommo-
datin'," said the native. Seem as
YOU give us u choice, mother and
nell take Romeo and Juliet
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1914-02-17
POINTED

Payer money is soft, hut hard To
get.
There's no love SO inexpensive az a
mothers.
Many A So-ralled opportunity is
merely an optical illusion..
Girls. keep your fiances at a dis.
tancc-from Young windows.
The woman who marries for none,
earns Il lot more than she gets.
An in,possibility is something a
woman is unable to do with Il hair
pin.
Somehow one never thinks OF hlam.
inS liis face because il needs a shave
How it does disturb HE when all we
get for money is tho worst OF it.
4 popular ucisl,bor is ono who lis.
tens 4" our troubles without insisting
on telling his.
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1914-02-17

That doesn't sound right at all. Two
tailors' geese-that sounds worse
YETI"
He puzzled over the question till it
began to worry him, but suddenly a
bright d popped into his head. He
sat down and wrote:
"Messrs. -. Please send me one
tailor Goose. T, S.-You may send
| two instead Of one"
Your honor" said counsel. this
mans insanity takes the form Of a be-
lief that every one wants to rob him.
He won't allow me. his counsel, to an
proach him" -
Maybe he's not 50 crazy, after all"
murrlured the court, in a. judicial
whisper. .
She found her dearest girl chum in
tears.
The situation was unexpected, being
rather common and vulgar. But the
patrician girl was sympathetic
enough to inquire, just as any other
Why, dear, what on earth is tho
matter?"
"Men are all liars!" sobbed the
broken-hearted one.
ooh, don't say that!" protested the
other. That's too broad q generali-
zatiOn."
"Well. l suppose there are some
good. honest fellows who are not. But
all the really nice men are!
The teacher had noticed something
queer about the rendering Of a Ger.
tain line of a hymn frequently used
in morning school. One morning she
determined to get. to the bottom Of
the mystery. Listening %intently. she
traced the p%eculjarity to Johnny.
Sing II by Yourself. johnny she
commanded. johnny did SO. and in
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1914-02-17
What Business Does to a Woman


."Oh-ts you. l was Just wishing she hestated--swel, I might az
we'll say it. was just wishing that Some nice nan wnu,d sSemI -. a NM ~
of Niolns"
And though she laughed. there ws the sMsten of tears in her eyes
ut wouldn't work." she answered II them sen tn mo nurev
as "a matter of sentiment Otherwise T would Inv them for m,gnf
'"sentiment-fs something that doesn't ION into the life Of a sue
business woman. Have yOu eve thought of that: Men don't re-
gard a business woman with sentiment They nay admire her, respect
hr,l like her --5nt as for sending her a bunch Of vioets in the same spirit
correcty-they don't do ii, that's all.
If n mar sends me flowers, tits in the way IF business Ia cor
s1aserst tn l. lstmcd Understand it so. a III not supposed to have any
feelings eyond those justified by Common Ems or ia act in Inv wa o~
al the resulto O sound judgment. Presumably. ali the snftnsss ~ nn~v
femlnly has been eliminated, and II man thinks Of me Al loyeable "'
=. sometimes. when / see the little shopgirls tripping along with their
stsadies' when the boy isn't afraid to squeeze the girfs arm close to Hin
n n grl answers with a light in her eyes, envy hom. / do! $500"
w zone are paying high in our climb. up the ladder of economic
indie dependence F %*N "p ]N '%"ei VI 0oohoHho
w :, nav y PIN p1ne S, Won ssnt haye everything. Tell me-would you.
of violets?" '"|' n'i~a eWch
Work a. and su:ess.. she replied. are mighty nice. Friends arr,
mighty, NICE. But friends have their own. immediate Interests Work* 10
apt Q become a slave driver and T. have often found succsss acniug 10 10
the bunch Of viocts-now than before I had ~fu aunn ihen" Inn s Isaay Tor Tor
career ' - .=|0 Hs 'o"i"ess IN q
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1914-02-17
ADJUSTMENTS
May Irwin in Widow by Proxy"

Even tho bare announcement re-
sarding the engagement of May IT.
win al the Metropolitan Saturday
night. February Il, is quite enough to
stir llp uncommon interest, but when
1T becomes known that this deserving
conledienne will offer her latest sue
cess. a farce comedy new to theater-
goers here. though it enjoyed a pros
porous four months run al the Geo.
NJ. Conan tl1eater, New York, last
season. that interest becomes accen-
tuated To Il marked degree--hence
the atmosphere of pleasant cxpecta-
lions around and about the vicinity
of the playhouse where her latest
achievements in Catherine Cushing's
rollicNing farce Widow by Proxy
are bound to prove of laughing bene-
fit.
The plot around which ..widow by
Proxy is woven makes numerous
colnical situations, OF which the star
and her company makes the most.
AS Gloria. Grey, Il singing teacher,
Miss Irwin especially upholds her
reputation of the greatest laugh
producers in the country" From
the rise to the, drop of the. curtain
the audience is kept in q continuous
NN"" n AIN
some laughter at that Finding her.
self and her bosom friend. a suppcs-
ed widow, in need of money!. Gloria
decides to ilnpers,nate the widow in
order to obtain a legacy left by j rich
uncle OF her dead husband. To get
the money she must visit the homz
Of her husbands people. From the
minute she makes her appearance at
the Pennington home. Gloria is the
cause of 8. series of complicating and
amusing incidents. OF curse. all
ends we'll when the true motive of the
deceit is discovered May Irwin is
supported by an unusually competent
company, including Clara. Blandick.
Marie Burke, Helen Weathersby. Hell
en- Orr Daily, Orlando DAILY, Joseph
WOODBURY., Pell Trenton and Arthur
Bowyer. If you would enjoy the sea-
sons biggest laugh, don't fail to see
Miss Irwin in this screaminglX funny
comedy. It's the best fun tonic for
this time of the year..
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1914-02-17

Observation-Disclosures Vanish Away
Men and women having backache,
rheumatism, stiff and: swollen joints
are honestly glad to know that Foley
kidney Pills are successful every
where in driving out these ills. That
is because Foley Kidney Pills are a
true medicine and quickly effective in
all diseases that result from weak in
active kidneys and urinary i%rregulari-
ties. McGrath's Pharmacy.-Adv.:
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1914-02-17
Goon ROADS AND RuRAb
SCHOOLS.

The rural population is more will
jug to support better schools TODAY
than at any previous time. IT is heing
realized that all educational activi-
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1914-02-17

Instructions as to the proper care
of pets will be fully appreciated by
husbands who have to wait until the
poodle has had its bath.
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1914-02-17

Just why women want a job or the
police force is not clear, unless it. is
because they are bound to boss, and
there is nobody at home to boss.
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1914-02-17

Who runs Amuck with sword
and torch in war torn Mexico
and counts as los, that day an
Which he adds no human woe"
Who whites away his afternoons.
awaiting time tn sup, by lcoting
banks aud burning burgs and
shooting natives w? Who sal
lies forth. whenc'rr the hours
hang heavy on his hands, to look
for heads and make the blood
run red upon the sands" Who
makes the Hun of old to shine as
one without a taint-a model
man of Nero and of Jesse James
a saint? Though presidents M
come and go, and heeting he
their span. who's OF the job i'll
Mexico? That E. Zapata. man.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1914-08-18
NO COMPROMISE,
 SAYS ROOSEVELT Progressive Leader Opens Party's Campaign In
 Massachusetts

Boston, August 7.--''No compromise, '' was the slogan with which Colonel The odore Roosevelt opened the progressive party's campaign in Massachusetts today. He declared there should be no compro- mise with reactionaries in any form, while on the other hand the party would welcome those of the rank and file of other organizations who refused to follow the old leaders.
 The men who were responsible for the Payne-Aldrich bill. he asserted. also are responsible for the present tariff meas ure and should be opposed.
 Colonel Roosevelts speech was to have been delivered at a progressive rally and field meet at Fenway park, but rain drove the crowd into the arena
 Speaking of what he termed the perma- ment problem of Massachusetts, MT. Roosevelt said:
 This problem must be, as far as 1t concerns the great industries in which the immense majority of wage workers are engaged, to combine efficiency with the proper sharing of the rewards of that efficiency. There will be no rewards for anybody, no adequate wage for the work ing man. no proper service to the public, unless the business pays.
 ''The main element in the success of any business must be efficiency and the wage worker must do all in his power to contribute to this efficiency. But the wage worker who by his efficiency adds to the productivity must have that added eff ciency recognized in increased wages
The Birmingham age-herald., 1914-08-18
SPE|GNER MILL IS
 CLOSED FOR REPAIRS
Shut Down Not Caused By European Situation As
 First Stated

Montgomery, August 17.-(Special) The state cotton mill at Speigner was not closed down because of conditions caused by the European war as stated from semi official sources Saturday but was closed merely 1o make annual repairs and to permit the convict op- eratives to aid in harvesting crops. ac- cording to statement issI ed here to- night by Hartwell Douglass, president of the state convict department.
 Mir. Douglass says that the mill has been closed every year at about this time for repairs and that prospects for selling the products of the mill were never brighter He says that the Flu ropean war has really caused the prices of the mills products to rise.
 Mir Douglass admitted that the mill has no stock of cotton on hand, but said that about 300 or 1000 bales of cotton will be raised on the state farms. He said also that the state will not go into the market at present to purchase cotton because of the uncertain com dition that exists.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1914-08-18
Dr. Talley Saw Funeral of
 Austrian Crown Prince
Continued from Page Five,

Zeppelin. I looked it over, but thought that on the whole I preferred the earth to the air and was very well satisfied where l was The Zeppelin is at present being used in the army.
 From Leipsic we proceeded to Heidel- berg. the famous university city. where we had most enjoyable time. Every thing was tranquil with the exception that the German students seemed to have an unusual number of duels to fight In the short time l was there I think 13 were fought held off for a time, disapproy ing of any such proceedings, but eyentu- ally curiosity drew me to the place and witnessed duel The following morn ing went back and sat through three
 ''The duels are fought with long sabres and students reach a remarkable degree of proficiency in their use. I saw some unusual swordsmanship. The only pro- tection the duelists have is a thick pad around the neck and a covering for the eyes. Practically all the wounds are on the scalp and face. A student must fight until he receives cut certain depth and then he is declared defeated saw one little fellow who was plainly over. matched. He was fighting gamely. all though cut about the face and head ant bleeding profusely. Finally he was agair wounded and a doctor walked up, stucl his finger in the cut. and pronounced | deep enough, whereupon he was led of the field
 While we were at Heidelberg met |
The Birmingham age-herald., 1914-08-18
DEPRESSED SPIRITS
Everyone Has It Within His Power to Be
 Happy

A celebrated French physician has said that "a mans liver is the barometer of his disposition"
 Every man and every woman knows that the cheerful smile is . big factor in ones sucoess.
 Everyone should know that the disor- dered liver Is cause of ninety per cent of human ills. Lazy. overworked livers are the prime causes of headaches, in digestion, constipation and dozens of other ills.
 But the inactive liver always warns by coated tongue, sour stomach, dull eye and even laziness. Heed your warn Ing and you insure happiness to yourself and reflect 1t upon your associates Call omel used to do. Modern day science has found a better way in CaRswelI's Liyer-Afd which Is pure vegetable remedy on sale under guarantee Of money refund ct 50 cents for largo bot tles Ask 0Nnn Drug O., ora Avo anl ootb st and ounufe Pharmacy, onoet q
The Birmingham age-herald., 1914-08-18
TYLER WINS OVER
 BILLIARD CHAMP State TitlehOlder Loses First Block In 1000-POint
 Match

William Morgan, billiard champion of the state, was defeated last night at the Subway poolroom by M. c. Tyler, in the first block of 250 points of the 1OO0-point match for the state title
 When Tyler had run out his block of 250, Morgan had registered only 154 The long runs of Tyler were responsible for his victory. He made the longest run of the evening, 5S, and also another of 42.
 The match was played in one hour and fifty minutes. Dan Randall refereed.
 The second block of 250 points will be played tonight at the Greenwood Cave while the third block will again be staged at the Subway. The fourth and deciding round will take place at the Newspaper club.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1914-08-18
TENNIS PLAYERS
 GET POOR START

Southampton. N. r., August 7.-Thun- dershowers and the belated arrival of many of the field of "A contestants in the Meadow club cup singles resulted in poor start today on the tennis tourna- ment which holds the position of being the preliminary to the national champion ship at Newport. Robert Leroy, the Co lumbia ex-intercollegiate title holder; Richard Harte. Harvard star; William M. Johnston, from California and Alfred 5. Dabney, of Boston. were all among the winners
 The draw is marked by the names of many well known players. including Nor man F. Brool<es. the Australasian cap tain: R. Lindley Murray. Pacific coa st expert, who won the Metropolitan; N. w. Nflea. Boston, and N. Norris Wil- hams. second