El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931, 1914-02-05
LIFE In THE WOODS
Adventures of a Crouch

IS" He melancholy days have
come, the saddest of the
year; the hermit finds life
pretty bum, and kicketh like a steer
said the wild man of the woods, as he
chopped a hole through the ice to get
drink of water 1T is in the winter
time that my heart yearns for human
companionship. Sometimes the desire
to go to town and meet some of my
old friends at the corner grocery, and
to discuss the income tax and the re-
gional banks, amounts to a passion.
and I have to chain myself to a tree
in order to resist
at is true that I have a tame
grounding and three screech owls in
my cave, and at ordinary times they
are company. enough; but on the long
winter evenings, when the tempest
shrieks through the lOrdly sycamOres
and stately beeches, a great Ionelf-
ness comes over me and feel that I
must have communion with my kind
fortunately, hoWeYerf a little reflec-
ton is all that is necessary to restore
my sanity and reconcile me to my life
in the sylvan solitudes
IF 1 returned to the busy haunts
I'd naturally have to turn up at the
vine covered cottage where my wife
the best and nOblest woman, has kent
light in the window, and has sung
night these many weary years And
after the first Tapturous greetings
were over that excellent woman would
discover that my voice was hoarse in
dicatng that I had caught a bad cold.
and she'd insist upon placing a goose
grease poultice upon my chest That
WCman's faith in EOOsegrease was one
o. the most remarkable DECISIONS
ever heard Of In all other matters
she was perfectly. sane and we'll bal
lanced, but on the subject of goose
grease she undoubtedly was diDpv
Goosegrease certainly has its viz
tues, and for an ordinary cold know
of nothing much better If if is
promptly applied; but my wife held
that II was sovereign specific for
All diseases, external and internal and
1 usually had to take a heaping table
spoonful before each meal, to relieve
one ailment or another
Nearly every married woman has
some lnfalhble remedy that she tor
lures her husband with. I used to live
next door to a man whose wife in
slted that compound of sulphur and
TnOiaSseS would cure ANYTHING on
earth. from bone SPAWN to the jump
ing Jaundice. IF there is anything
that tastes worse than goosegrease
Il is sulphur and molasses. That man
was the best kind of husband and
father. No woman could ask a better
life companion, and the wife loved him
bitterly, yet she drove him away to
the sylvan sOlitudes with her com
pound of sulphur and mOlasses He
so so that he couldn't taste ANYTHING
else, and there was so much si1Inh1IT
In him that he was afraid to sit near.
the stove lest he catch fire. If Won 90
three miles up the creek YOU will see
ms loWly abode. It is in a hollow
tree, and his Whiskers are so long he
has to carry them in a wheelbaTroyJI
ing.
Such tragedies should be a warn
Ing. to all wives. Let them learn that
their husbands don't want home rem
edies- When those husbands are sick
they demand the glorious privilege of
gong to the sawbOnes and being Dre-
scribed for according to HoyIe. It was
for this precious boon that our fathers
fought at Bunker Hill and Conev Is
land.
About two parasangs down the
creek there is another hermit living
IN humble dugout. His onIv com
panions are pair of matched bull
snakes and a blind coyote. he &c not
o. a genial disposition, and I wouldn't
advise you to visit him. Yet once he
was as merry as a wedding bell. and
smiled and danced all day long. But.
he married a woman who had an in
herlted faith in flaxseed poultfces and
she was always Shaping them on the