Omaha daily bee., 1914-10-05
The Worst Bore of All

I less peculiar than those OF the male She
I Is afflicted with a mania for believing
that something has happened 10 the male,
and that he has gotten lost going home
or has been captured By bandits or has
been drowned I'm the gutter Likewise she
hands his old cigar butts on the wall tied
with blue ribbon and develops telephon-
tits, and writer's cramp. because she can
not do without telling him how she loves
/ him and how she misses him and how
long II ~ between 12:3O a. m. when he
| left and p NJ when he viii call again
In spite OF the pcculiarities that have
been mentioned II Is difficult to distin-
guish NJ sight. You observe a nice, quite
looking creature. with a kind eye and a
gentle demeanor. that attracts you and
] you go up TO pet II on the head and begin
to make friends with H. Sometimes you
| are so attracted by II that YOU even take
\ Il home with you when. suddenly without
a word Of warning, Il begins to throw fits
/ about some perfectly commonplace girl
| or young man. and you realize. only too
late, that YOU are alone, and at the mercy
OF Lover
The species Of rabies with which the
Lover Is afflicted manfests itself in
strange halucination. This Illusion takes
I the form OF suppOsing that YOU arc hung
ering and thirsting and lying awake
nights to hear about the personal appear
ance, and the mental and moral charms
OF some individual you never saw, and in
whom you do not take the slightest inter-
est.
The Lover is Of both sexes, and while
the males are the most violent they lack
the staying powers OF the female. They
are also OF all ages, and the older they
get the worse they get, and the more 20
be dreaded as nothing else on earth is 80
afflicting as an Old Maid Lover or a
senile Grandpa one. II once you are
attacked by either OF these creatures YOU
had as well abandon hope at once. as they
never go until their victim sinks into a
state OF utter insonsbility.
There are many varieties Of the Lover
the>most common OF which IA known ne
the Calf Lover This Is always very young.
and rather shy, and II is usually possible
to Brighten It off by hurting a few shafts
OF ridicule at II. Another common variety
is called the Poet This is a particularly
venomOus species. as II oozes slushy
verses at every pore which II reads TO
Another species. closely allied to the
Poet. is the Letter Writing Lover. which
may always be recognized at sight. by
carrying so many letters in it's pockets, or
stuffed I'm its shirtwaist. that II looks like
pouter pigeon. AS soon as this variety
Of Lover gets II claws on you. IL pulls out
those letters, which begin my ownest
own. my precious darling angel love
ducky daddie," on YOU and assassinates
you by making you read forty-page mis-
sives OF devotion addressed to another.
Happily, however. after the first letter
you are reduced TO state OF softening
of the brain in which you are not con-
scious OF your sufferings
The most dangerous variety OF the
Lover, though, Is the widower. When
one Of these. especially graybeard de-
velops an attack OF Love, Il Is the most
fearsome bore known to poor humanity.
II simply runs amuck, seeking whom Il
may devour, and neither youth nor age,
nor friend nor foe, is safe from its at
| tack.
Some think that an Old Maid, with ts
first case of rabies is equally danger
GUS, but this is mistake. The real,
simonpure soul-wearier with the ability
raised to the Nth power to make one
yearn for a speedy death, Is the widower
who Is stuck on a eO-year-old girl Els
! pecially a chorus girl.
The mode of attack OF the Lover re-
sembles that OF other men-devouring
animals. II simply lies In wait for its
prey. and the instant II perceives that
you are defenceless, Il springs upon you
with "A yawp OF Joy. and while you are
being chewed up It emits sounds that
those who have studied it's language
translate thus:
Say, you ought 20 see my girl. She
Is the most beautiful creature in the
world. Her eyes are like violets
| quenched In dow. Her hair is spun gold
Her mouth is perfect Cupid bow. Her
ears are like sea-shells Her complexion
Is like aabaster. her figure is TAN ana
| slight and willowy, and her neck and
arms like those OF the Venus dc Milo.
/ She Is the most intelligent woman,
bright and witty and vivacious. but not
in the least a blue-stocking She dresses
mRgnificently and is the kind of a
woman that makes every other woman
I turn round and rubber as she passes,
but she Is so economical that II doesn't
! cost her more than g. a year 10 do II.
And she Is so domestic; her angel food
melts In your mouth And sho Just wor-
ships me. She hasn't another thought
except about me. Honest, II anything
should happen to me. Il would just kill
her"
You gasp and give a little moan OF pain
as the creature stops 20 take breath, and
then the horrible. pltiless fiend begins
II all over again. Say you ought to see
my girl. She is the most beautiful crea-
ture in the world Her eyes are like vio-
let's etc. etc, etc. and II repeats this
again and again, as long as there Is any
breath left in your body.
The female Lovers cry, whom masti-
eating a victim does not differ mater
tally from those OF the male except that
every assertion ends with. John says
that the stock market will 60 up or
down." John says that Mr.. Taft win
do so and So John says that We viii
hot summer next summer etc,
etc. The peculiar effect OF this is to
render the people who have TO hear Il
stark. staring mad. so that they beat