davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington herald., 1914-05-31
- BReezA 5UzAR7e Byflis fafkefR,der
Breezy Suzanne and Many Inventions

thus preventing more earthquakes. And
little red-headed me left in New York
to brush the dust of his vacant chair
So, when Perky came in with this in
ventor in tow just got out my hook
and waited my chance. Sayl Perky
knows I've got some brain under my
hot hair and that It isn't all cooked to
a frazzle at that. / had hunch he
would call me in. because he's sour on
Algy since Algy gathered n all the
proxies for the Snail Protection cleo
ton, and sure enough he did.
Suzanne, will you come into my Of
fce?" he says
The seedy one was unwrapping his
invention and the minute he had the
paper off / threw up both hands.
None of mine for the pie-plate pho
nograph record business, Perky" Isays.
81 told you that yesterday"
Now waltz says Perky. wait,
Suzanne This is the greatest invention
of the age. Mr.. Hultzheim, Suzanne"
Pleasure is always nine" says the
seedy one.
81 bet it is at that" says, "for if
this is a pie-plate record affair I'll
throw you out of the window myself,
even if you kill policeman when you
hit the walk"
Tell her what it is" says Perky, rub
bing his hands together sleefully. 81
have not seen it in operation myself,
Suzanne. But for this woodworking
age, with all its wonders, this is the
most wonderful
First maybe / start II up, hey" says
Hultzheim, and Perky told him to
60 ahead
"Start her up" says Perky. "That'll
show her whether Perkins has lost his
cunning. Start her up. Hultzy."
So Hultzheim started her up. She
was a box like a phonograph, and she
had a funnel like phonograph, but
she had no discs or cylinders. saw
right away it was wire-using affair.
THE German wire phonographr 1
says.
Photographs. No! Thousand times
more wonderful as monographs! !" says
Hultzheim. and he wound the machine
and started it.
Well, nothing seemed to happeni The
wire ran off one spool and through a
thin tube and on to another spool, but
nothing happened. The machine did
not make squeak. II did not utter a
peep looked at Huitzheim and his
face was glowing with enthusiasm.
Perky was leaning forward as If he
wanted to crawl into the funnel But
nothing happened.
And then I began TO feel uneasy. I
didn't like the air in the Office. / got
an idea that s.yte Hrltzheim had been
eating onions. moved over to the
other side of the machine, to where
Perky was, and then l thought it must
be Perky who had been eating onions.
And it got worse. 1t smelled like an
onion bed COW has trampled, and still
The Washington herald., 1914-05-31

some nice old grandpa viii crawl out
of his dusty attic and expect to as
tonish the world with the invention OF
the same kind of can opener his wife
has been using ever since the large red
tomato ceased to be a poison and be-
came canned goods. I'd get out pat
ent on printing advertising matter on
shirt pasteboards,if if l wasn't dead sure
somebody in Chicago or Seattle is do
ing it already. The human brain that
wants to invent has to be as studious
as a professor of Greek and as swift as
an aeroplane.
Sayl Perky came into the Office yes
terday with guy in tow who looked
like some fellow who had tried to walk
around the world in seventy days with
10 cents in his pocket and get back
with the same dime. He was so seedy
that if he had been planted he would
sprout, and l guessed right of he
was an inventor. Where I made my
mistake was in thinking he was the
kind that would invent a machine to
divide an ellipse into equal segments
from any point within the ellipse, or
some such woozy stuff. / was on my
guard in flick of an eyelash, for Perky
has pulled down some pile of dough
from this Prevention of Pinning Feath-
ers on Snails Society business, and as
long as / had made up my mind to
marry him some day, kdidn't mean to
have any dried pod such as he had in
tow skin him.
Mix" says to myself Z know you,
young Methuseleh. You're an animated
gold brick with a patent machine for
pumping air bubbles out of telescope
lenses or some such thing. You for
the discard, quick"
You see, anything in the shape of an
invention gets Perky on edge right off
the bat. He can see more millious in
a machine for blowing fuzz off dande-
lions than another man can see in a
basic patent covering all automobiles,
and just this same morning Perky was
pulling his hair and throwing woe fits
because he hadn't thought of what that
German thought of-making phono-
graph records on wires instead of on
cylinders or circular rubber discs
Hell make millions of francs, or
doubloons or whatever they use for real
money in Germany" Perky said.
Marks" l said, meaning the German
money.
THAT may be his name or it may be
Gubbenheimer," said Perky, but he has
hit on the biggest idea of the twentieth
century. Photograph records on wires
Put one end of the wire in the machine,
start it going and play piece as long
as a Champ Clark speech without re-
loadingl Get an entire opera on one
wire. Use played-out records for
clothes lines"
well, always did wonder why they
had to make holes in the rubber disc
kind" l said. "If they could leave out
The Washington herald., 1914-05-31

nothing happened so far as the machine
was concerned. But Perky glowed with
pleasure and shifted the air, and Hultz-
hsim stood with his face raised just
beaming! Sayl And then the onion
smell took a little hump to itself and
got worse!
Honest. if l had been peeling onions
I couldn't have smelled more onions.
The tears began to fall from my eyes
and / had to snif1e.
"Sor cried Hultzheim, shutting off
the machine. 1T is wonderful, not? You
smell him, the onions?"
Smell them' should think sol" /
said. Il can't smell anything else. It's
awfulp
"Wonderfulp exclaimed Hultzheim.
The Washington herald., 1914-05-31

And I am the inventor of it. yes!
The kinetoscope makes such pictures
come out, yes? The phonograph makes
such sounds come out, yes? Seeings and
hearings, yes? But the Hultzheimo-
graph is so more wonderful II makes
smellings come out. Perfume, sweet
perfume for the home, for the theater,
for the hotel"
"Say!" says do you call raw peeled
onions a sweet perfume?"
"No! All, mol" he says. But yet is
the Hultzheimograph not complete.
Soon sweet violets and roses will it
make to smell out l perfect her soon.
Now only would strong perfumes rec
ord on the wire-onions and boiled
cabbage, and such. Mr.. Perkins would
The Washington herald., 1914-05-31

"Yes," smiled the professor. Il know
you can manage. You are really some
thing of business woman, believe"
"But 5000 will no more than pay the
interest on the mortgage, the taxes, and
household expenses"
Perhaps you can reduce the budget
a little" said the professor, his conf
denee in his wife's ability mistaken.
"And Mary will be out of college this
spring. She will be teaching next win
ter, and perhaps Jane will get raise"
Jane get a raise! Things like that
don't happen at Miss Bingham's school"
said Mrs. Tilbury. But I can manage
somehow. Perhaps we can sell the
house-but don't worry about it-and
theh when the Greek lexicon is finished
there may be royalties"
"Oh, that won't be done for FIVE
years." said the professor, smiling in
wardly at the joy that those five years
of plodding would afford him.
Troubles never come sinsiy, as every
one knows, and Mrs. Tilbuy had her
visitation that day. Jane Tilbury
taught history at Miss Bingham's pri-
vate school; both the Tilbury girls had
inherited their fathers bookishness,
though their mothers COED looks might
have stood them in better stead. How
ever, at Miss Bingham's school. Just
around the corner from the Tilburys,
Jane had been happy. and It was hoped
that when Mary was graduated from
The Washington herald., 1914-05-31
Copyright, pl4)

GAY, honest! amt the human brain
u hot stuff? When l stop hitting
the keys of this old No. 6 long enough
to think what the human brain can do
with only some pieces of wood and iron
and things to jam together get so
nervous 1 feel as if l had to get busy
and invent something myself. just
think of the wireless telegraph, and the
hook and eye that will stay hooked,
and electric motorcars, and apple cor
ers. II you stop long enough to forget
there are any folks attached to the hu-
man brain you can think Of II as inst
one big lump of zizz throwing spasms
all over itself to gel about million
years of work done m about twenty
minutes. These are the days when H.
Brain, Esq, has to hustle, Not day
but about a thousand new inventions
rush out and grab you, and it all means
brain hustle. -
I sat down the other day and tried
to think of something new, and, honesti
l couldn't think of thing that hadn't
been done something with except the
oblong sheets of pasteboard the laun-
dries put inside of soft shirts when they
send them home = So far as 1 could
see, those sheets of pasteboard were the
only things m the world that hadn't
been invented and patented and i'm
proved There are even sorts of cork
screws with fork handles to remove
cooked snails from their shells, and
butter troughs to let corn on the cob
repose in between the times you set
your front teeth in it and let the butter
run down your chin. But nobody has
done anything about the pasteboards in
soft shirts. I'd get busy and invent
something about them only by the time
I got something invented another busy
little brain would have had It invented
and patented and on the market Such
is lifei ....---. ....--
Somebody with slow but sure brain
is always inventing something some
one else invented ten years ago and not
finding it out until 1t bumps up against
the patent Office. About next Tuesday
The Washington herald., 1914-05-31

give me money to 60 on
He would not!" I says.
yes Suzanne" says Perky, but ths
irindest l ever heard him speak to me-
and then he looks in my face and SEED
the onion tears and thinks they are real
ones. Say, he softened right away
What? Weeping?" ne says. Il would
not make you weep for all the inven|
tons in the world. Wen chuck tho
Hultzheimograph, little partnerl" I
Get that? Little partnerT Perki
said it to me! Oh, JOY bells! I just
turned to Hultzheim and l says
'Hultzy, you're great! Well back yout
perfume machine to the limit. It's
great. Go on. Play US sauer-kraut din-
ner with limburger for dessert"
The Washington herald., 1914-05-31

the hole you could use Annie Rooney
as pie plate when you got tired OF her
and serve sandwiches or soup on the
late-lamented Barn Dance when the
tango came in. But the hole spoils it
al. It costs more to plug up the hole
so II won't leak than
"Greatf says Perky. "Why not in
vent the desert plate record! Nodded
in limoges china, decorated to suit the
best taste, use on the table or the phono-
graph. Your record cabinet is your
china closet! Why not? Music and
food in the home as in the restaurant.
Play the pie plate while eating the oys-
tiers; play the oyster plate while eat
ing the soup; play the soup plates
while. Greatl Grand opera on the
meat platter!"
"And tango tea music on the tango
teacups," / says scornfully. mo,
Perky, don't blow any money on that
idea Not while dishwashers are as
sketchy as~they are now. How would
it be to be eating your soup-sently and
with a sound like a COW pulling her
hoof out of the mud. say-and tc be
listening to The Rosary as recorded on
the bread-and-butter plate and suddenly
have that sweet but slightly overdone
tune spoiled by few chords Of yester-
days camambert cheese and a hunk of
brown laundry soap? How would il be
to be listening to Caruso's dulcet tones
and have the soft needle run into a
ledge of butter that the cook forgot to
wipe off the plate in her haste to get
to the movies with her cousin, Mike?
No. Perky! / like music with my food,
and If you asked me to dine at cabaret
right now I'd say yea! Veal but don't
want somebody else's yesterdays food
played at me on a phonograph. l don't
want to listen to Too Much Remainder
of Egg when the program calls for
Too Much Mustard and it would turn
me pale to be listening to Celeste Aida
and have Neutrality-suspicious. come
gurgling out between the Stats of the
machine"
"Ah!" says Perky, but at small
but reasonable price Perky would fur
nish the Perkins Patent Disc-plate
Washing Machine. guaranteed to re-
move all traces of egg, soap, butter, ct
cetery, ct cetery."
Well, from that I knew Perky was
getting restless and tired of being the
worlds greatest benefactor of snaiis,
and that ere long he would chuck this
job Of running the Society for the Pre-,
vention Of Pinning Feathers On Snails.
It makes me nervous to think of it.
Here was Just ready to start throwing
the >lasso over his head and to drag him
to some church with a marrying parson
and Perky was getting restless. 1t
would be just like him to think up
machine to bore tunnels and then to
go all the way to San Francisco and
start 4 company to bore the earthquake
zone out from under California and
FIJI in the hollow space with solid lead,
The Washington herald., 1914-05-31
Copyright. 1s4.I

PROFESSOR TILBURY taught
Greek at one of the large East
ern universities. His wife
whom the professor had a. way of re-
ferring to as THE Duchess" out of
Difference to her white hair and stately
The Washington herald., 1914-05-31
Real Romances of the Business World

stretching the professors $500 a year
till it covered the college education of
the two children, Jane and Mary, books
for the professor, participation in the
college social activities, and the running
of the Tilbuy household.
"You have, I should think" the pro
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1914-10-13

Try Telegraph 20 The Tribune
New Haven. Conn, oct l2.-Frank
Hinkev nut the Yale squad through a
long secret drill this afternoon IN prep
aration for Saturdays battle with
Notre Dame. The work behind closed
Gates vii. be kept up this week. The
weak showing in the first half against
Lehirh on Saturday proved that with
Wilson out Of the lineup lot Of Of
feusive strength is lost. and the effort
this week viii be 10 develop strong
substitute for him and bolster up the
line play. ILL
afternoon and Wiley was retained at
centre. Scovillo, the eN-partmouth
star. whose work was a feature OF sat
urday's game, was tried AZ left hall,
win Archie NcLeish AZ right half and
lie Gore at fullback. There IS a
chance that Wilson may be IN conol-
ton in time for the Notre Dame game.
Walden. who played smashing
came i'm the second half on Saturday,
Tcpleced jim sheldon az right guard
toidav Higginbotham and Tug Will
con, whose rapid development in the
ortDost positions has pleased the
coaches. were kept AZ end. snd Talbot
was in the drill az lott tackle.
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1914-10-13
POLY PREP CUBS VICT0RS
Defeat Commerce Cubs by
Scoring Two TouchdoWnS.

The cub football team of the Poly
technic Preparatory School OF Brook
lvn defeated the High School Of Com.
merce cubs on the Poly Prep Field
yesterday. The score was T. TO o. Al
though beaten, Commerce had little
the better Of the play, its backs maxi
ing nine first downs by rushing to
three for Poly. Four times Commerce
was within striking distance, but fai lied
70 score. Except for the moments wheh
the touchdowns were made Poly was
never within the 25-yard line.
At start Of the third period Poly
kickeo Of and drove the ball over the
goal line. Burns neglected to recover
it, thinking it Wa touchdown, and
Shields fell on the ball for touch
down. The Commerce team was thrown
into confusion by this, and three min
utes later Poly recovered tumble on
the SJ-vard line. Raymond caught a
long forward pass and ran for touch
down.
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1914-10-13
Golfers in a Holiday
Mood Flock to Links
Marcus Wins Montclair Club
Championship Fields
Out for Sweepstakes
in Three Classes.

In wow Of the holiday yesterday
large fields were the rule at all the
clubs within the confines of the metro.
lolitan district, and nowhere was tho
popularity Of the royal and ancient
game 80 we'll demonstrated as at the
Nortclair Golf Club.
When the field was sent away in the
morning competition, sweepstakes in
.hrcc classes. no fewer than 1872 COM
pctltors tced up, a remarkable number.
Il was roughly estimated that fully
$50 golfers played az Montclair alone.
Overshadowing the other competi.
tons was the final match for the club
championship, in which ". +. Marcus.
ir., defeated Howard J. Gee. not so
many years ago tournament player
OF note. The margin was up at thir-
ty-six holes. a large gallery followed
the match all day long. Marcus found
himself IN the uncomfortable position
of . down - the end Of the morning
round. but as the contest progressed
he overt ook his opponent and drew
level BY The time the sixteenth green
was reach. He won the next two hole,
and the match. Appropriated scores
showed that both men had gone round
in the low seventies each time
The scores follow:
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1914-10-13
New Life Shown on Field
at Princeton Despite the
Absence of First
String Players.
rBy Teicgrapb 20 ne TrIbunc.l

Princeton. y. j., Oct. 12.-New life
was in evidence on tho Princeton foot
ball field o-day, in spite Of the fact
that several OF the regulars did 10 work,
while the injured list claimed one or
two others. Successful forward passing
reappeared for the first time since the
DAYS preceding the Buckncil game, and
"a n consequence three touchdowns
were made by that method IA the half
hour Of scrimmaCing with the scrub.
Mike Roland took his place III the
back field. playing at both fuilback and
quarter. and calling signals practically
throughout the scrimmage. lie tossed
the bali with the same precision that
marked his forward passes M the Rut-
gers game, and received better support
from the line.
Just one consistent advance could be
made BY the third string men, and that
failed to reach far into varsity terri
tory. On the other hand, IL took an
average Of not more than FIVE minutes
for the varsity to get behind the scrub
goal after getting possession Of the
ball.
"Stew" Baker. who has been out o.
the game nursing o slight injury, was
much in evidence nj left end for the
varsity to-day. and scored two Of the
three touchdoWus by pulling down
passes from Boiand. Snea, also returned
from the injured list. made the Other,
tally on = shorter pass after Briggs aho
Boland had worked Rugby pass for Il
gain Of fully 60 yards.
Mclean was the only Tiger player 70
be seriously hurt in the contest
with Syracuse. He will be out Of the
game for possibly ten days or two
weeks with a cracked bone. HIS place
was filed to-day by Latrobe, VINO
played his first football on the scruo
scarcely month ago. :.
The work Of Ames at qusrterbacK
against Syracuse vas the most satisfac-
tory Of the season, and would cl'nch
the position for MIN If ne were a
little better at carrying the ball. hyi-
IDENTIFY this has made the coaches return
again 10 the idea Of having bolahd
call the signals from fullback or quar-
Tor and give the other vacancy TO
sturdier ground gamer than Ames.
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1914-10-13
COMMERCIAL WINS
AN UPHILL GAME
Forward Pass Attack in
Second Half Beats the
Manual Eleven.

After an uphill fight the Commercial
High School eleven succeeded in de.
fe8ting Manual Training High School
in their annual meeting at Suburban
oval, Brooklyn, yesterday, by a score
of % TO 49, Commercial was outplsyed
and held scoreless in the first half.
Daring use Of the forward pass IN
the third and fourth quarters won the
game. trugone and Becker tossed any
number Of long passes TO Richmsn and
Burnham, and when in striking DIS
lance OF the Manual goal Johnson was
called upon to carry the ball over. lie
made all three ouchdowEs.
Manual Training threatened 20 make
it one-sided battle in the first half,
using the forward pass with good sue
cess. In the second half, however, 1t
weakened badly. Floyd Egsn, the
Manual captain, was unable to play
owing 10 an injury, as his absence vas
severely fe,t by his comrades.
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1914-10-13
CLINTON GOES SCORELESS
Forward Passing of Ruther
ford Eleven Wins Game.

De Witt Clinton suffered its first
football defeat when il was downed By
the Rutherford High school eleven in
their annual game at Rutherford, y. j.,
yesterday by score of 81 TO o.
The Manhattan boys were unable 20
break up the clever forward passing
Of the opponents, who gained consid-
cradle ground by this open playing
Two forward passes. Whitehall TO
Lewis, each for gain OF twenty
yards, tailed two OF the touchdowns.
Whitehall scored the other touchdown
on dash through left tackle, while he
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1914-10-13
M'FAODEN WINS A CUP
Forest Hill Golfers Play for
Barrett Memorial Trophy.

J. =. McFadden won the Michael g..
Barrett Memorial Cup yesterday at the
Forest Hill Field Club, when with u
card Of - II 20 he topped the list
Of those men Of ffty-hve years Of age
or more who competed.
There also were sweepstakes both
morning and afternoon in TWO classes,
Paul Heller winning the first with
so 12-S8 and L. R. Brown taking the
second with % q SO, while later on
4. G.. Broker with 80 II SO topped
Class \ and G. &. Remsen took Class
B with $50 GG.
Ihn .cnrn. fnllnp..
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1914-10-13
More Injuries at Harvard.

nv Telegraph 20 i1e -iIp-'l..
Cambridge. Mass, oct. l2.-The Har-
,ard varsity football players did not
90 near the football heid to-day.
III.reb,ou. the coach. taking many Of
80 ia the worlds series game. There
~ somc hard worN Tor the substi-
80 however. but this was held IN
80 morning, and with % makeshift
trom against the scrub.
- ~, i1srvard has had Two more misfort-
mos stanley Pcnnock, for two years
~ Ajl-AmcriCa guard, has water on the
nee. and viii not be able TO play be
fore the Michigan game, Sweet:seer'
'.ho has been doing so well 81 tackle
,,.,sted his ankle to-day Hardwicl.
the most valuable intcrferer on the
teen. was so used up in the Washing
ton and Jefferson game that he can
hardly get about.
TO offset some Of the hard luck that
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1914-10-13
Army Nurses Bruises.
~ Telegraph fa Tho Tribune.

West Point. y. y. oct. Several
members of the Army team rested
to-day as a result of the Rutgers game
on Saturday, and the coaches did not
deem II prudent to indulge in any
scrimmage. Instead, the weekly talk
feet" in the Gym" supplemented with
brisk signal drill and a running down
of punts, was prescribed for the squad.
Hobbs, Oliphant and Nerrilat were
among the more prominent OF those
used up last Saturday. Hobbs Is the
worst off Of the lot, with a sprained
ankle which will keep him out Of the
lineup for a long time. Oliphant's
knee was 50 badly twisted that he. 600.
IS unlikely 20 get back in the game
before the middle Of the week.