New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1914-12-27

Prohbtionists, dance censors-they are en-
ploying better and better press agents.
Old Doc Pease will not sleep. Whit from
the most modest little cigarette reacts upon
hin as the sight of beer sign or wandering
smell from a brewery affected the late Carrie
Nation.
Anthony Comstock will take no holiday.
The officials of the museum are in dread lest
his visit result in the mistaking of the Hall of
Statuary for the Egyptian mummy department
by subsequent visitors.
Customs inspectors will give the usual
trouble. They get only SIS day, but they are
very accomplished, and have developed pro-
ficency above most professional men who are
more highly reimbursed.
An arrival from abroad thinks, upon getting
into the hands of our capable inspectors, that
Columbus was lucky man to find only saw
ages in America. The inspectors look behind
ones buttons, search the hem of ones hand
kerchief. probe ones whiskers, and search as
though they hoped to find a French monoplane
behind ones left ear.
The income tax will worry those who must
pay it, and those who have no cause to worry
about an income tax. 'Nuf said on this point
In the business world everything will be
dead, except for few openings for window
glass statesmen. But even in this line orders
are going to come slow. 1t is not believed the
Kaiser anticipates any change in the personnel
OF his gunner.
Everything we like to eat will become more
expensive. In 1915 we will be lucky If we get
canned whale. This will not reduce the total
number OF Blue Mondays There will be fifty
two of these, to balance the Black Fridays.
The remainder of the week will be prosperous
for drug stores, doctors and weeping willow
and cypress tree planters.
THE KING BUSINESS BECOMING A
MELANCHOLY AFFAIR.
Kings will not have anything on the rest Of
US. They will be grouped with the Glooms.
People who manage to escape the bullet will
lose their appetite for Kings. Kings will be
canned instead of crowned Already it is be-
coming harder to find readers of such items as:
THE King never wears the same clothes on
two consecutive days. The King owns four
hundred suits, some of which are perhaps
worn twice in a dozen years."
A worry for our society editors.
There are so many things that will get
worse instead of better. Since there appears
TO exist a susceptibility to suggestion in the
suicidally inclined, perhaps a warning to sup
press details of Meyers Moody Melsnge of
Mshaps may be needed by the daily press.
We are here merely limiting at its contents.
Anti-kissing leagues have thrown microbe
pictures on the screen until it is hard to find a
person who is willing to take a chance. Whis-
kers and lesser facial strawberries are an i'm
portant item in this controversy.
You may be sure that when 1916 comes
around, if you decide to stay here that long,
one of the questions which will remain UNI
answered is "Are Whiskers Beautiful"
Another way of stating the proposition is:
Us Beauty More Valuable Thing Than
Health"
In Chicago it is maintained that whiskers
aid the beauty of Chicago men, and many who
have seen the Chicago face believe in whiskers
Father Time wears EN-, but is about as pop
ular as the professor is going to be in those
towns where he has situated the 1915 earth
quakes.
Meyer does not seem to think that the fly
is an important enough work of nature for him