The mirror., 1914-04-09
THE CONFESSIONS
Of A TYPICAL BUM
Book Worms Second Install
ment of Tales From the Bump
ers-His Diary Tells how the
Hobo was Froze Down."

say / were kinder mixed up in
my sayin 8, an you'd ask me if
didn't mean, | were once froze up
But l don't mean froze up, cause ]
knows theirs been lots O. men an
lots o things froze up, while l claim
ter be tn only real survivor among
tn human an unhuman existences
what were ever froze down. II
you'll sit still an listen fer about
two years I'll tell yous just how an
why l came ter be froze down, an
in tn grape vine regions O sunny
California at that.
was down in ol' San Francisco
that winter, (notice | say San Fran
cisco an not Frisco, cause it's only
these ungrammared, tough indervid-
jewals what say Frisco.) Well, as
/ was sayin', l was down in OF
Frisco that winter, there was about
ten thousand O. my friends there too,
an we were havin' one grand,
glorious time hittin' tn city soup
line once a dav an then amusein'
ourselves tryln' ter wrestle tn price
of kip" off er tn native sons an
would be native sons. Finely things
got so poor in tn dingin' an let
dingin' line, thet | concluded I'd
best try little game o freeze-out
an ramble over tn mountains inter
Utah, ter spend tn rest O tn winter
in tn town O many wives.
l stepped out on tn hill an tried
my luck at increasin' tb' size o my
wardrobe an was lucky ernough ter
be presented with an OF pair O.
rubber breeches an four er five odd
socks. Then | hooks on ter ferry
an navigates over inter Oakland.
On Through Ticket
Things went erlong in pretty good
order an | manages ter get inter
Sacramento on time ter make con-
nections with tn Overland. [ was
ridin' or a through ticket out O
Sacramento, that is. it were through
until someone seen me an threw me
off, which happened ter hap at tn
little OF town of Colfax, about
medium between a cook stove an
an ice box in that country.
l steps up an down tn one an
only main stem in tn place fer about
two hours an trys ter amuse myself
imaginin' what I'd do if I'd only
bad tn price O. one square feed.
/ met up with an OF timer sittln' in
front O tn Foothills Restaurant an
he begin tellin' me what a great OF
burg that town had been in tn OF
day O forty-nine. He said he could
remember when they were layin'
tn first rails along that OF pike an
he got so down right interested in
hearin' himself holler that | reckon
he never would O. quit if I'd not
mentioned tn fact that | were tight
ly pressed fer loose change an about
three dollars short O. havin' nothin'.
Then all at once he seemed ter re-
collect that he had very pressing
engagement with his better half back
in tn kitchen, an up he gets an
beats it.
One o. those big S. p. drags with
two big oil burners on tn head-end,
was just pullln' out o town about
then, SO | makes run fer it, thlnkin'
I'd just as leave be movin' while
starvin' as standin' still. l piles
inter an empty gondola car, one O
those boiler fact'ry affairs, what
makes more noise when in action
then all th' anvil choruses whatever
were combined.
The Plot Thickens
There was a little water in one
end O. it an | manages ter steer clear
tn biggest part, but | didn't care
anyway, cause had on those rubber
what-chew-ma call-ems under my
society duds an l knew no water
could get ter my skin until it got
about steen inches deep.
| dozed off an begin dreamin'.
l thought | were down IN Egypt
tryjn' ter ride trains there. Th'
only place thet an ol' boy could
ride EN-, was Oh tn numbers. was
ridin' on a'leven hundred, sittin' on
tn two ones an lettin' my feet hang
down through rh' two o's-. Come
on Jack, what va doin' here an
where va goin'?" | jars out O. my
trance. an it were colder'n Billy
Somebody, an there were Mister
Shack leanin' over me an cussin' me
fer bein' on his train.
1t took me couple jiffs ter ge t
my bearin' an then | ups an says.
Mister. Pm just takin' little
ramble up ter Reno, ter see how
everybody's matrimonial difficulties
are terminatin'.
What cha ridin' on? he hollers,