The Washington times., 1914-03-26
He Has Property, Too; So Step
Lively Before the Rush Be-
E. gins to Capture the Unat-
:, tached Heart.
Not, a Thing the Matter With
Him, Only He's Lonesome and
BashfuI - Really. He's a
Bargain.
By GARDNER MACK.

3 By GARDNER MACK.
Help. Help, Help"
There's a man running around
loose in Washington with the in
stincts and bank references Of
perfectly good husband-and we've
been assigned to find him a wife.
VIII all the unattached women of
Washington please draw near-all
those who want TO buy a mortgage
and get q husband thrown in, like
the chrome with a pound Of tea
only this chap isn't such a chroroo.
when you come right down to II.
The situation is just this:
Felix Mahoney and / We're sitting
Peacefully at our desks counting
our money and trying TO figure how
we were going to be able TO buy a
postage stamp and Still have enough
left to pay street car fare TO Chaplin
street when
II would like 10 get a wife,
please r..,
1t was a very pleasant voice and
We both looked up to see fairly
r prosperous citizen, wearing a WIN
ming smile and a nice green hat
with bow at the back.
Come, Look Him Over!
OF course he had on something
else beside that He was fairly we'll
logged out, If truth must be told.
and had all the ear-marks of a
prosperous business man. Smooth
face, five foot seven or eight, blond.
blue eyes, stockily put together and
a very soft insinuating sort of
Voice. Nou understand we've got
this guy on our hands and want to
get rid of him. We don't want to
fool anybody and you can examine
him any time you want to prove
that while We try to show our
never. never misrepresent). But
really. this fellow isn't at all bad
to look at or talk to.
is this q circulation scheme, are
you an advance agent-or do you say
that because you don't know any
his most severe expression, which
lakes him look a whole lot. like
James X. Hackett when James *.
isn't feeling particularly good.
Then the poor fellow told US his
ssd story:
He was born in Germany fifty
years ago and, the warm blood that
courses through his veins. has,
therefore. a strong Teutonic flavor.
lust before the outbreak Of the
Franco-Prussian war he left the
country because he inherited a low
ing disposition from his maternal
grandfather and thought the best
way to escape being placed in
position where he would be called
upon to get real rough with some
Frenchman was to beat it while
the beating was good
lie came to America and asked
the first man he met il he knew of
n good place in the United States to
establish an ice cream parlor and
confectionery business.
Sent Him To Norfolk.
This particular man had recently
come from Norfolk. Va, and, as
he was still feeling sore about il,
told the immigrant that he didn't
know of any place that needed the
sweets of life more than Norfolk
So TO Norfolk he went He estab-
lished bakery and ice cream
foundry right under the shadow Of
old St I'aurs Church on Church
street From the ice cream de-
partment of his establishment one
could look across the velvet lawn
and see the very spot where a can
non ball struck the church on a
certain memorable occasion.
The little German boy made lots
was entirely swallowed up in his
business. He married a Norfolk
girl and was very happy.
There was a sad. faraway look
sbout him when he told us this.
Tears came into his eyes. For
twenty-five years he cooled the
parched throats of Norfolk's cit
izens and citiZenesses with his ice
cream. sweetened their dispositions
with his dainty cakes, and made
Them strong and vigorous with the
wholesome bread his ovens baked.
And then after quarter of GEN.
fury he retired from business and
came to Washington: He brought
money with him-the money Nor
folk had exchanged for his experi
ence as n baker and ice cream
freezer. And he invested some Of
house on Capitol Hill He put some
more of II in other things-but the
apartment house is his pet.
Lonely and Miserable.
His wife died two years ago,
leaving him with no one to make
excuses to when he stayed out late
at night and no one to run up bills
at the millinery stores and dry
goods establishments. He became
lonely and miserable. At first he
thought IT was nervous prostra-
ton but, after careful analysis.
decided that ii was lack of a wife
Then he found himself in a very
awkward situation-he knew very
Few people here and couldn't find
woman that looked good to him.
Il remembered how well The
Times had done by the lady who in
herited fortune some time ago.
and was compelled to marry in a
given time-so l came here" he
concluded.
The man in the other room told
me TO see You and I'd never worry
over my troubles again. He said you
fellows had pair of the best look
ing wives in Washington, and il
had always been a mystery to your
friends how YOU got them. You
ought to be willing 10 help along a
fellow who really needs wife.
Now be good fellows and get one
for me-"
So there YOU are
Split Fifty-Fifty.
We've got this fellow on our
hands and have just naturally GOT
10 find him a wife. We made in
aUiries about him and found that
all he said was true, except that
there is small mortgage on the
apartment house. 1t isn't due for
several years. but as an evidence OF
GOOD faith our friend will not ac-
cept the heart or hand of a lady who
hasn't financial heft enough TO lift
the mortgage. II she'll do that.
he'll hAke over half Of his property
20 her and split his bank account
ffffy-fifty. And he has a fairly