davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington herald., 1914-10-11
Husbands VS.. Wives

Judge Tarheel Jones then arose and
called up the case OF Shutdown Green.
against whom charges were preferred
at the last meeting for abandoning his
wife and creating a public scandal to
the detriment Of the club. The Judge
had been appointed a committee Of one
to thoroughly investigate the case. and
he had performed his duties conscien-
tiously. He had found the cause Of the
trouble to be that Mrs. Green did not
ride bike She was a very devout per-
son. and she could not mix the bike and
her religion. Her husband had no such
scruples and he rode-hence a clash
The wife had carried things to such
point that the husband had been compel
led to leave home to enjoy any peace of
mind. Here was a question affecting the
domestic peace Of thousands of homes.
II the husband rode a bike and the wife
didn't should she sacrifice any feelings
she might have for the sake of the
good II was doing him? Should she meet
him with club at his homecoming, and
should she express a wish that he would
break his neck as he set out for
spin? Should she either ride or sacri-
nce her feelings? The Judge contended
that she should, ana desired a vote on
IT, A vote was taken. and the judges
majority. He then moved that the
charges against the member be dismissed,
and this action was taken without
objection.
The Washington herald., 1914-10-11

found to look up and ship me the speci-
mems from points in the interior, and he
had 10 be nervy as well as an honest
man. He in turn would have TO find
faithful men, and taken all in all II want
ed care. II was six months before got
u under way, and after once fairly in II
there was not an hour in which / felt
safe from discovery.
In most places the burial places in
our orders simply called for specimen,
and u made no difference about the sex
OF whether there was Z record attached.
Ihere were few museums In want Of
particular bodies. They wanted kings,
queens. generals or poets who had been
dead from 1900 to 5000 years. 1t is per-
maps unnecessary 10 inform the reader
that l always hlled these orders. After
getting mummy into my warehouse
had a way of making II fll the bill and
give general satisfaction. MY assistant.
who was a native antiquary, a native
aoctor and villain. handy at unwrap-
ping and rewrapping and carving hero
glyphics and manufacturing relics. II
there was fraud in II, / do not seek 10
defend myself simply say that II
there Is a public demand for the mummy
OF Pharaoh II is the duty Of some agent
10 supply 1t as near as possible and keep
people good-natured.
In the course OF two years / shipped
hfty-six mummies safely out OF Cairo
and landed them IN London, and I am
frank to say that nI dividends were
considerably larger thai those paid last
year by the Standard ON Company or
the Carnegie Iron Works. The mummy
business was booming, and / was filling
orders for anything up TO 1000 years
OLD on demand, when . government ON
The Washington herald., 1914-10-11

At the opening Of the last meeting of
the Lime-Kiln Club, Brother Gardner
said that he had given up riding the bike
as a cure for bow-legs. He believed with
the doctors that II would straighten mis-
legs in time, but he had found that It
was either quit or break his neck. The
rest OF the brethren could keep on. but ne
was done for.
By-IaWs Adopted
The following bylaws were then
adopted:
''Religus an polytical discushuns, ex-
cept 'whar' they hev a direct BARN on
de bike am strictly forbidden
DE dues shall be one dollar per month,
payable In cash or tickets Of admission
TO cake-walks. but cash am preferred.
mo dan one hour on any one subjick, an
in case his remarks lack swiftness an
gineraI interest he may be sot down on
at any mint
De club viii furnish saw-hosses an
fence rails fur new beginners TO practise
on, but will not be hnanshully RESPONSE
BILE fur damages to anything or any,
body.
some Suggestions.
The following hints and suggestions
were then submitted for the beneit Of all
concerned:
Laughing gas won't help you bit in
taking your first lesson on the bike.
DO not be disappointed II you meet
with a wobble. but so ahead and let her
wob.
The Washington herald., 1914-10-11

We'll. I'll take il and make it 20 as
far as il WILL" replied the Major. as the
greenback changed hands You'll feel
safe for having invested money in the
enterprise Stock will be ready in about
two weeks, and as soon as We can erect
chasing stock Yes. III make the dollar
CO, and you'd better begin posting up on
meats When we once get started"
But I came here to sell you this
book
up at least a thousand tons per week.
and you must be able TO tell at a glance
our purpose. That's ALL and there you
are, and I'll send for you when the pa
pers are ready to be signed. / think
Wen make the ground-hoor price on
stock 20 cents, but maybe We can scale
that figure down a little. At any rate.
confidence that your canvsssing days are
ended Turn 10 the right, please. and
good day-good day
But listen a minute. came up here
to sell you
And don't give me away-don't do
IT," cautioned the Major. as he pushed
his caller along. Just keep mum and
and then we1l jump up on the whole
world with both feet and boom dietary
sausage. even to the drawing-room Of
royalty Ground fioor-S15.O00 per year
golden opportunity. Don't miss it,
A minute later the canvasser found
himself on the street and when he was
asked what had happened to him that
he looked so put out, he replied:
Why. I went up to sell man a 50 ~
subscription book. and I'll be hanged II
he didn't turn me out and got my only
dollar in cash besides
The Washington herald., 1914-10-11

cial gave me q hint that my business had
been tumbled TO. He exchanged his in
formation for my so gold-piece and went
his way, and 1t was my business to put
up job on the Khedive and square my
self don't know that any one had
given me away directly. but suspicion
had somehow become aroused, and was
TO bt put under surveillance and caught
red-handed. My shipments suddenly
ceased, and the mummy market became
dull After a couple Of weeks my as
sistant villain went up the Nile towards
the ruins Of Memphis to look for a
man. 1t was live man and a particular
sort OF man he wanted, and when he
found him the sum Of $50 changed hands.
Then the man died. At least, he was
swathed in bandages which had come
ed and spiced in Al style and then put
in comm which gave him away as
having been dead almost twenty CEN
turies; The hieroglyphics on that CONN
was the celebrated fakir Sonadi Hassas-
san, and that when he had slept his
sleep he would awaken and begin an
other pilgrimage on earth.
The mummy reached my warehouse
one afternoon, and within an hour a gov
ernment ofhcial backed by a file OF SOL
diers had arrived to- make a search
There had been no concealment. The
ton. They had caught me red-handed in
way, and yet they could not under
stand why / had been so open about it.
. My dear sir" said 70 the oficiaI
Il know the laws of Egypt. | am not
dealing In mummies. The law does not
say / may not restore a dead man TO
life. At this present hour that thing
there il mummy. Tonight at O'Clock
It will be a living man"
What nonsense is this?" exclaimed
the man as he struck the cofin with
his cane DO you think / am a child
to believe such talesr'
Il think you are a very smart man, Z"
l replied, but. there is yet something
10 learn. Read OF Sonadi Hassassan
He was the greatest magician the world
eyer knew. He Is was who made the
Nile now backward for a day. When
he had lived for 1900 years, he became
weary for the want Of sleep. He fell into
trance which was not to be broken for
1000 years. The time is up at O'Clock
And he viii come back to Iife7' auer-
led the man, with an incredulous smile
He will. You and your friends will
be here to see, had heard OF him.
and WAS anxious to get his body. I
paid a large price for Il that may see
It restored to life with my own eyes. I"
The Esyptian's natural superstition and
my earnestness staggered the man, and
when | saw It ! elinehed the matter by
TT Is only few hours to wait. You
viii dine with me at 8 o'clock At 8
my assistant shall unwrap Hassassan
and bring him 70 life Let two Of your
soldiers watch the CONN meanwhile. II
tnings don't turn out as I say. you
The Washington herald., 1914-10-11

shall carry me of prisoner and have
500 in gold as a present"
so be It," he said. and after a long
trick me. / am no fool" "
Two soldiers were left to watch the
coffin, and in my hearing he warned
them that any remisSness on their part
would be followed by swift punishment
Ny living rooms were over the ware
rooms. When the dinner hour arrived,
! had the Official and two Of his friends
to sit down with me. All three Of the
men had made up their minds that
had a curiosity to know how I was going
to carry it through. Fifty dollars would
have bribed any of them to shut his
had received their orders direct from
the minister and dared not trifie with
him. They drank sparingly Of the wine
that they might keep their heads clear.
but grew sufiiciently good natured to
hope that I might get out Of the trouble
without serious loss.
There will be no trouble I replied
with calm assurance. "Sonadi HassaSsan
has had his sleep and win return to
life, and the government win probably
reward me for restoring such a cele-
brated man TO earth. Come, gentlemen,
II is time"
The soldiers had been sitting before the
hand and ready. and we Iiost no time
in getting to work. The comm was tilted
up on end, the body lifted forward so
that II could be got at. and the wraps
were soon removed. / knew that the
mummy was a live man, but never had
/ looked upon the face Of a subject
showing death and the passage of time
more plainly. The face would have de-
ceived the wisest professor in Europe.
There were the sunken eyes and cheeks,
the loss of teeth and the ssal-brown color.
and / found myself wondering II some
mistake hadn't been made The official
and his friends quietly chuckled as the
business proceeded. = and my assistant
villain was the only one who was per-
fectly placid He did not hurry his
work He was a full half hour getting
down to the last wrapping. which was
a sort of union garment made for the
occasion. Then he stepped back with
flourish picked UP a stick and. striking
three blows on the coffin. he called out:
1T is time, Sonadi Hassassan: it is
timer
The chest Of the mummy began to
heave and its eyes to hutter. Then came
long breath and its eyes unclosed.
The soldiers bolted from the warehouse
in alright. and the three men retreated
several places in CONSERVATION. Very
slowly and without false movement
the mummy gasped and stretched and
looked about. A hand went UP to rub
sleep from his eyes. Then II moved un-
easily and presently stepped from the
CONN, straightened Up and passed out
The Washington herald., 1914-10-11

7 And also:
He who hath justice behind him hath
| two knockdowns in his favor before the
| fight has begun"
And further:
Let the angry man go his way and
say nuthin' to detain him, but when a
the envy in his soul then plant thyself
as a rock before him and fear not
The man with the grease remover
would also have addressed the people,
but he neither was an orator nor a
philRnthropist. He simply sold soap at
10 cents a cake and cussed the country.
He had his teeth sharpened and q Hnile
of confidence on his face astwe we're
ready to battle. The conflict did not last
long. He was a man Of beef, and he had
sand in his craw, but when jabbed him
on the nose, uppercut him on the chin,
and landed a right swing on his jaw he
lay down and expressed desire to leave
the town behind him. The enthusiasm
OF the people was unbounded, and could
paid no board. / dwelt for a day longer
ard then I bid them farewell and went
my way towards the town of Boundin
Billows, named thusly fur the pillows
covered five miles of my journey, and my
heart was singin' with exultation that
was part Of earth, when met a wilder
woman sittin' by the roadside and
weepin' in her sorrer.
why these tears?' asked, as I halted
before her.
.'on account of the onssrtinty and du-
plicity Of mankind she says, with a
wall
What onsartinty have you met up
with?' says I as / reaches out TO pat
her on the head in a fatherly way and
The wilder woman began 10 weep the
harder, and realizin' that when a woman
starts out to weep she means to make a
until a proper time, I sot down on the
grass to wait and reflect, and I found
myself sayin':
"A tempest on a frog-pond and a wom-
ans tears drown no ducks"
And yet again:
'she who hath no tears 10 shed is no
longer q woman"
Bimeby her sorrer begun to fade away,
and when l inquired agin fur the cause
Of her grief she answered:
81 am a widder woman with a shack
and sixty acres OF land, and alasl I am
lonely The eritter Of a man who owns
with my heart and brung me to grief.
He asked me to marry him and 1 said
yea, but today when We started out hand
in hand fur the town OF Bonndin' Billows
and a preacher, he backed down and
threw me over"
And his reasons?'' asked l.
because 1 am not beautiful"
But beauty has nothin' to do with
the heart Neither does it aid a woman
10 hoe corn, chop wood or become an
eyerlsstin comfort TO her husband. I'm
SsLSen win the man that you am
oeautlful, but your disposition Is gentle
Snd there is Innocence In your heart.
Where kin the cfitter be found?"
In his shackg'
Then git on the wagon with me and
We VIII overhaul him"
The widder woman wiped away the last
or ner tears and mounted the vehicle
with me. and as we journeyed by a cross
road her speerits began to rise After
a drive OF a couple Of miles we draweSi
up to the door ofsa shack ana saw 4
man sittin' in an attitude or humility.
be did not deceive me, however I at
once detected that he was a critter with
The Washington herald., 1914-10-11

I And there you are. sir, there you areP'
But haven't got IS
Don't neglect this golden opportunity,
my dear contemporary-don't do IL The
man who invented the Welsh rarebit
made 80. 900 and lived 10 be ninety year1
old. Angel cake brought its inventor
81. 900 while he lived and a monument
forty feet high after death. Hoky-poky
ice cream won't be in II with dietary
sausage. Peanut brittle and lobster salad
have already gone 20 the rear. Why, sir,
any moment a telegraph boy may come
in with q telegram from the President
reading: Congratulations on your diet
ary: have only eaten one barrel and am
sure I shall be renominated- Send an
other by express The very next mail
will probably bring unsolicited testi-
monials from a dozen actresses and four
or five Senator'S. II Is needless for me
to tell you that delays are dangerous
Time. tide. and dietary sausage VIII wait
for no man. II you haven't got $, I'll
try and make 50 do. Leave your name
The Life Of Napoleon'-"
Never mind The Life Of Napoleon
my boy. Napoleon was a great man, but
Mai. Crofoot wasn't on earth then We
are not delving in the past. but digging
into the future. Where Napoleon made
500 you'll make So, 900. Let others con-
quer the world by force OF arms II they
will but we'll conquer II by force OF
dietary sausage. You've certainly got 81
about you I want TO get the organiza
ton perfected today"
"rve-I've only got a dollar" STAN
mered the canVasser as he exhibited the
bill
The Washington herald., 1914-10-11

think you had better I once knew q
man who's blood turned to water and be
insane and died yotS have sssTd thd
viii work that way in your case,
Mr.. Bowser looked at her for a long
minute without being able TO make up
earnest. but being unable TO detect a
smile on her face he finally brought In
his battery. II was q simple AFFAIR,
which was set In operation by spring,
When the current began making itself
felt IN his hands and arms he grew good
natured and blandly said:
This is worth all the medicine / could
pour down my throat In a year! Our
family doctor has been dosing and doping
me for months without avail, because he
occurred to him to test my blood. All
uni Say that does me goodi
Il suppose Il restores certain lost prop
critics 20 the blood?" eagerly observed
That's what it does. What my blood
lacks Is phosphates. You must fertilize
the blood the same as you would the
80 soil INV By esoss but beers sef n fbat ssa
single treatment will carry me back fif-
teen or twenty years. You know that
when Pliny was eighty years old he used
81 never heard. Of II. but I hope IL will
affect you favorsbly. i have noticed
lately. that you drag your legs in going
We'll, there will be no more dragging
after tonight On the contrary, I'll be
bounding up four steps at a time When
/ get through you'd better take a treat
ment. There's nothing IKE taking time
by the foreIock The subtle mud has
not been permeating my system above
FIVE minutes, and vet feel as IL could
Jump over a six-rail fence"
For the next three minutes Mr. Bow
ser leaned back and closed his eyes and
had a lamblike look on his face. Then the
monotonous whirr OF the battery su,
denly changed TO a series OF gasps as II
for breath. and he Strengthened up with
a yell and began to beat his heels on the
floor. ..
The Washington herald., 1914-10-11

lhaps I've got enough in my arms For
a few seconds / thought u would pun
every tooth out Of my head. Say, now,
but before try IL on my legs I'll eN-
pertinent q little on the cat"
] But you may scare her to death.'
she won't scare for a cent Say, II
growing lean and scrawny for the last
month, and electricity may be just what
she needs Her blood may need phos-
pilates as well as mino. Is the cook
yes, but don't you go experimenting
on her. II she got a shock she'd bring a
lawsuit Tor damages"
And why don't you try IL
Because don't need t. II that thing
runs away again It may tie you Up in
knots. 1t was lucky happened TO be
neTs ws s9 'Sr9 %s 'ns see spIR So% !, will work on
! the cat Even II her blood Is not I'M
poverished she needs toning Up. Come
The family cat came over 10 him with
out hesitation, and as she reached his
/ feet he started the battery and clapped
q sponge 10 each Of her sides. For about
| thirty seconds the cat bumped her back.
rolled her eyes. and wondered over the
new sensation Then she seemed to get
the idea that she was being attacked nv
s.s sa lie ana aer hsS sSst 7 snanE na % se
on Mr.. Bowser,s knees, and the next to
the top OF his head. and the sudden at
tack rolled him out q his chair upon n he
He pounded az her and she clawed. The
I fEht was over in a minute. with the ca
shooting upstairs 10 hide under the bed.
but in. those sixty seconds Mr.. Bowser
had received dozen bites and a score
OF scratches. He scrambled up with the
blood flowing from his wounds and his
dignity all torn up the back and his first
act was to dash the battery TO the floor
and jump on Il with both feet His next
was 70 yell at Mrs Bowser:
Woman, I'll wreck this house from
Enau
But Mrs Bowssr wasn't there. She hsd
followed the cat upstairs His first
The Washington herald., 1914-10-11

Itenance, and he succeeded SO well that a
| motherly woman turned TO him and
Are you a man of family. sir?"
Then you have your wife make you
some catnip tea as soon as you get
And man across the aisle almost
shouted out:
'Catnip tea for him2 Why it's got to
be something stronger than that he
lost seven dollars. Don't know the
However. there was pretty fair look
as he reached home. and he sighed Ike
a tired horse as he climbed the steps.
To his great astonishment Mrs. Bowser
Ignored both the look and the sigh: and
continued 10 treat him during the dinner
hour like one who had 80 years Of life
before him.
When they went up to the sltting-room
around until she took pity on him and
Have you got some worry on your
Some folks might call it worry" he
replied; :. -. ...-. -. - -.-.
day by a doctor who happened to drop
into my office, and it was a good thing ]
did. Another week and 1t might have
'fToo late for what?" queried Mrs
Bowser.
Too late to save my life. That is.
should have had to go to the hospital and
be operated on for cancer OF the stom-
ach. / just caught IL in time"
1T was very lucky that some quack
came in with something to sell"
''Quacki Quacki' shouted Mr.. Bowser,
as he jumped up and got mad in a
breath. That's you exactly! You can't
be happy unless you are ringing in some
thing about QuaCks and fads and fakirs
about once a week 1t has got 30 that
dread TO even tell you that I've got a
corn on my toe or a cold in the head. II
you are ailing l can't sleep for my anX-
iety, but If you knew that / was stand
ing on the verge Of the grave you'd fling
out some insult or other"
well, you had your blood tested" she
quietly answered.
Yes. I did. You know how I've been
run down for the last year, and ! wanted
to know just what allied me. II didn't
take the doctor over five minutes TO md
that my system needed electricity. For
the want of electricity my blood is turn
ing into water"
SAnd SO you have bought a battery.
OF course?"
Yes, I've bought a battery"
''Of the doctor who found your blood
was turning to waterT'
why not? He happened to have one
with him. and why shouldn't buy it2-
NO reason at all, my dear. I suppose
II Is on the hall-tree, and that you in
tend taking a treatment right away?
The Washington herald., 1914-10-11

After breakfast I sought the public
square with my tin-type wagon and
opened up business. Nobody in Boomerang
had been took for two or three wears.
and as my prices were low and my pres
ence cheerin', they came by dozens It
was three days before my work was done.
Meanwhile a sinful man Win a lung
tester and another man with soap to re-
move all sorts of grease spots, struck
the town and endeavored TO lay me low,
but ID was without ayafl. The lung-tester
man bowed his head in humility and
passed on toward the town Of Cedar Hill.
but the soap man fingered over my grass
hopper in his bottle and set up a great
cry over my hardness Of heart. but the
inhabitants only laughed at him. Then
it was that he growed still more wroth
and cried out that he was the champion
grasshopper defender of Oklahoma, and
that I must meet him in moral combat,
or turn my hopper loose to wander where
he listed. While. the people was with
me, they also itched TO witness COM
bat. and girded up. my loins and made
ready. While gird1n' stood up on my
wagon and said.
Right does not allus triumph over
wrong but II her suspenders don't bust
she kin ginerally take keer Of herself'
The Washington herald., 1914-10-11

of the door into the night with slow and
dignified steps.
''Well?" I queried as I turned TO the
dumfounded trio.
They stood staring with open mouths
and l had to put hands on them be-
fore they come back to earth.
Did not tell you so2 Did I not
say that after a sleep OF 1000 years
the great magician would return to
life?''
They did not answer but with pale
faces and chattering teeth they tottered
out into the darkness with a mighty fear
upon them I had the agency for two
years longer, and there was a con-
tinuous boom in the mummy market. but
after that incident there was never an
official inspection Of my stock. The
officials could not have been hired for
money to poke about in the dark corners.
The Washington herald., 1914-10-11

He was a rough-and- tumble man. and
he had never heard that thrice-armed Is
he who hath justice on his side. He
would have clasped me In his embrace
but / met him accordin' to Oueensberry
rules and overcome him. When he got
enough he hollered, and when he hollered
let up on him.
stood over him.
u are" he replies without loss Of
time.
And you'll marry the widder woman?"
"I wiTli'
Then get up and come along. and may
the Lord hev mercy on both your souls!
Two hours later I saw 'em legally
married. and as / parted from them to
continue my travels, ! felt to exclaim:
Behold! how easy II Is for one who
hath proper speerit to replace sorrer
with joy, and lead his feller man into
ways Of gentleness and peace.