davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-07-02
The Weddlnu Present.

Young Bride latter placing the new
vase aloft)-I suppose there's no fear
Of it falling?
Groom-You mean, no hope.-The
Taller.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-07-02
Correct.

How should the new warden Of O
state prison begin a letter of thanks
to the governor for his appointment ?"
asked the Boob.
Il now take nay Pen in hand" re-
piled the Cheerful Idiot
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-07-02
OF Mo use TO Him.

Coal Dealer-Why don't you wheel
the barrow along more quickly, Pat?
It's not very heavy job; there's an
inclined plane to relieve you"
Pat-Aye, master, the plane may be
inclined, but, hang me, if 1 ami
Parsons Weekly.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-07-02
Dead,

do you want to be let In on a
dead sure thing?"
Nope, whenever l am introduced
to dead sure thing I step back and
gtvs my place to the undertaken
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-07-02
Looked Alike to Him.

Diner-I think I'll try some fish to-
day.
Waitress-Bluefsh or whitefsh, sir?
Ddner-It doesn't matter; I'm color
bltnd.-Boston Transcript,
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-07-02
irreveFence.

Were old Beethoven here today
He'd find this world exceeding rough.
''Cut out the symphonies" he'd say.
Tear off some real tango stuff
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-07-02
A Great Bar.

TT is of no use bringing out that
man for office. His early life would
be against him"
why SOP
HE was 6. messenger boy"
What has that to do with his can
didacy?'
'The force of early habit. He never
could bring himself to run for Office"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-07-02
Potts Expense Account.

A R. Potts Of Waupaca, Republican
candidate for state senator in the
TwAenty-third senatorial district, filed
a campaign expense account of 1859
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-07-02
A Hard One,

Critic-Why don't you put porous
plaster on this play?
Manager-What for?
Critic-It is about the only thing
which will ever make 1t draw.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-07-02
Authorize Rate Raise.

The state railroad commission is
sued orders authorizing the Richland
Center Electric Light G Water Plant
company and the Coloma Telephone
company to increase their rates 20 per
cent.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-07-02
DRESSING the Part.

7 hear Wombat is a gentleman
farmer now" Right up to the notch,
too. Puts evening dress on all his
scarecrows every day at dusk"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-07-02
ANGELIC Fans.

Some members OF the human race
Believe, while shaking of their sins,
That Heaven is q glorious place
In which the home team always wins.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-07-02
Statesman and Politician.

The statesman can explain all tricks
By just a passing glance at 'em,
But, owing to shrewd politics,
He seldom gets a chance at 'em.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-07-02
VIII Open New Bank.

A new bank will soon be started at
Helenville, six miles east Of Jefferson
Fifteen thousand dollars worth of
stock has been subscribed. The pro-
moters are business men,
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-07-02

ings have to be reckoned. All this
sort of business Is compressed into
this one meeting.
Thompson's island, the home of
the school, takes it's name from Da-
vid Thompson, London merchant
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-07-02

Great Britain had over one +hou.
sand four hundred strikes last year,
mainly over wage questions.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-07-02
TroiIhIA Aunided

Noah had just landed on Ararat.
"Fortunate!" he exclaimed
Whats fortunate?" asked Japhet.
That we got this trip over with
thousands of years before there could
be any misunderstanding about canal
tolls"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-07-02

Automobile driving is taught in the
University of California
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1914-07-02

Wifey-I wish you would get some
of those baseball players to spend the
coming summer with us.
Hubby-What for?
Wifey-The papers say they are
death on flies"
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1914-03-20
From Another Point of Wen

The mayor Of Gulfport declares .
half.holiday when the Tigers have .
game on. Respectfully called to the
attention OF Oscar MARI.
By the way. Il he coming back?
A. the Metropole hotel bandit ap-
pears 70 have left town finally. pre-
sumably the police breathe easier.
An anti-cigarette crusade IL . CRU
sade Tor good citisens, OF which De.
troit has the makings.
We are undecided this year wheth-
er 70 have IL ofacially referred 70 -
. summer garden or q plant
TO the Editor: IL IL my duty or my
vifs.s duty 70 paint the screens. HuS-
Does your wife painti
slng, llttle hsra, g nsD
Slng Ne . ssag q sDs1ags
mt sAnn1Ag A1D heaA,
TIE lattlo bird aaa1.
m - ~ s1sA . thing.
ssDDsaan'ys sAisusA ~.
sTAat pep Aalb M nN
rren I1ess1e eeas - the wing
'i 5: :: :: =. a. s z:ss -, ...-,
=
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1914-03-20
Into the Lake
Because TOO Old

When Robert Mooney jumped into
the lake at Chicago he was flshed out
Then he explained why he had done
IT,,
IL am out OF work. When asked
for jobs they laughed at me and sara
was too old. | am "a" he said. :.
They" said that because they
had the old conception Of business,
the selfish, greedy notion which MADE
them covet the larger margin OF pront
TO be made by exploiting the iabor
OF youth.
7 III business" means nothing more
than that employment should be Tor
the largest possible enrichment OF
employers, then they" were right,
and the lake or the poorhouse was
the place for men like poor old Rob-
ert
But is such business" the kind OF
business that humanity most needs
II IL is, then let us frankly face the
fact that somehow II must pay Tor It's
human discards and not selfshly
shuttle the cost Of their keep upon
the community al large.
IL 10 ttS 6tSos OSyNNssNN - -
ways to be the enrichment OF the mt
test or luckiest few, then let's prompt
Is tax these favored few to provide
humane places OF refuge for the old
men and old women whom their
greed has squeezed dry.
All over the land great and rich
corporations are enacting age limit
rules, based on the belief that work
ers over 40 to 45 aren't good fatten.
ers of dividends. They demand the
right to take their pick In the prime
period for exploitation.
II this right is to be conceded: II
this policy of efficiency Is to be
recognized and allowed as best for
the men. who run the business. then
In common justice let's make them
pay for the privilege and pay roundly
pay 30 well that no human CASTOR
who has given the best years Of his
life to the enrichment OF others shall
In his old age. be left stranded and
, hopeless. worse victim OF others
greed than were the aged negroes
during slavery times--who, being
property, at least got food, clothing
shelter and as much care as was
given to other animals.
But OF course such business" isn't
business at all: it's simply conven
tional form Of piracy.
Real business Is human service
the service OF the many rather than
the few. And its profit Is In welfare
rather than In selfish wealth.
When we once get through our
heads this finer conception of bust
ness there won't be any Robert
MONEYS jumping into. the lake;
they'll be too busy serving their
brethren.
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1914-03-20
Diary OF Father Time

The contemplated attempt to cross
the Atlantic ocean In flying machine
in 1914 brings to mind the efforts
made by John Wise, the first aero
maui In the United States. to secure,
In 1848. an appropriation from con-
gress to finance trip across the
ocean In q balloon.
John Wise was born on Feb. "a,
1908. He began experimenting in
Philadelphia In 1885 and In 1887. dis
covered that while passing through
thunder cloud the cords of his bal.
loon gave forth musical sounds ana
re heard voices on the earth when he
was mile above II. After twice
seeking appropriations from congress,
he tried to get Its aid In building air
ships from which explosives could be
thrown at an enemy on land or sea-
Up to 1859 he had made 23O ascen-
tensions. On Sept. %. 1879. he as
cended from st. Louis and never re-
turned. The body OF one member of
the party was afterward found In
axe Michigan.
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1914-03-20
Look out, everybody.

Look out, everybody.
Beware the crafty Senator Burton
bearing gifts. He has slung shot
concealed somewhere.
Burton, you know. Is one of the
few Aldrich reactionar!es remaining
In the United States senate. lie has
q bill before congress to reduce first
class postage from two cents to one
cent. and he has asked you. President
Wilson. to get behind II.
AZ frst glance. this bill might look
like plan TO give the people some
thing. Just at that point. look out!
The first result Of one-cent postage
would be huge deficit In the postof-
fee department.
This huge deficit is greatly desired
by big business. The postofiice de-
partment Is altogether too good q
demonstration OF efficient govern
ment ownership to please the sys-
tenn"
The postofflce department Is reach
ing out for government ownership OF
the telegraphs and telephones as u
very natural sequence TO the very
successful parcel post.
IL government succeeds with the
wires the next step is government
ownership OF the railroads.
The easiest way TO help the wire
monopolies and the railroads.&c.
easiest way to stop progress all along
this line-is to create big postal de-
felt.
Hence Burton's plan!
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1914-03-20
Those Stolen Savings and
q Rich States Obligation

Would 1t be anarchistic to suggest
that the great. rich state of New
York, in letting Henry Siegel rob the
thousands Of his ill-paid store girls
OF their little savings in bank"
over which the state took no super
vision at all. incurred debt which II
ought now to pay by passing an APP
preparation to replace what these un.
fortunates have LOST
Putting Siegel into prison. however
important as warning to others,
won't help these stranded employees.
They must be cared for somehow un.
til they can And chance again TO
care for themselves. Why isn't ear.
ing for them the duty OF the negligent
state?
What Is government for If not to
protect the weak?
And when It grossly defaults on its
lob. why shouldn't II be "stung?"
Individuals are held accountable At
law for the consequences OF their
criminal negligence. Why not states?
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1914-03-20
What is Home
Without q Playroom?

Now that spring IL near. some Of
our leaders are probably thinking OF
building homes Of their own.
Just word Of suggestion In that
connection.
Most men when planning homes
think of bedrooms and bathrooms and
diningrooms and living rooms. while
their wives think Of kitchens and
pantries and closets--all OF them I'M.
portant and worthy OF careful
thought.
How many think Of playrooms?
In most localities the climate makes
It certain that halt Of the year must
be spent indoors. Even In the warm
months outdoor play space In most
OF our cities isn't plentiful: during
q number Of months each year it's
sure thing that the children. II they
play ut all. will have to play under
roof.
Yet the majority OF homes make
no special provision for play for chill
dren. Every new home ought 70 have
a playroom--it won't really be home
unless the children have one.
But even though you may. not be
going to build. 1t might pay yop 10
figure on fixing up . plAyroom.
There's hardly q house which hasn't
somewhere, In attic or cellar, unused
space which. by little contriving,
could be converted into . suitable
playroom.
An hour or two 1t night. with or
without the help Of . carpenter.
would enable you. father. II handy
with tools, to rig the place up % that
the kids could have loads Of fun IN
1t. And at very little expense, too
SO little II would be pity 70 begrudge
1t. In addition. you'd Get your own
fun doing II and seeing the happiness
II would bring into the households.
Talk Of social centers! The best
social center there can be II right
y managed home. You ouyhtn't to
be father at all unless you are both
willing and eager to do . lot 70 pro
mote wholesome play for the young.
sters.
Haven't you . playroomf Then.
Mr.. Man, take friendly counsel and
get busy.
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1914-03-20
@&uYv~4166a

and . lot more like that
some OF the fellers had seen hi1
wife, and they thought It was kind
Of funny. but nobody said . word.
about nights later this same duck
showed up, and he was . ate
he looked like he had went 3
rounds to q decision with . grixxly
bare
he gaxed ct the bunch for . minnit,
and then he said
II knew which Of you guys Il was
that called my wife up on the foue
and told her what said the luther
night. his life would not b worth Z
plugged nickel
amt had nuthing to oat siuse.
am sleeping on the poarch, ana look
ut my mug
then he give them another sorrow.
full look, and slipped silently into the
night agen 3ohny
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1914-03-20

n. ", fridy-i herd storey about
an awful mean man the uther day.
sumthing ought to happen to guy
like that
the storey il this, there IL LIZ Q
dozen fellers up In harlem gets to-
gether every 3 or 4 evenings for Q
game of cards and q little chat, IN o
room back OF caffay
well, one night not long ago they
was talking about their wives, and
most of them had hard-luck tales
It appeared they dident none OF
them count for mulch around the
house
there was jult one feller that was
different
he said. aw, you guys make me ST.;
beleave me, 1 don't let no woman
walk over me 1 am boss around my
place, and what I say goes
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1914-03-20
War with Mexico!

Don't forget that In war with
Mexico, the plain. common people
of the United States will shoot
down the plain. common people OF
Mexico. Not much different to
taking down your gun and shoot.
ing your poverty stricken, unedu-
Gated neighbor around the corner.
Where's the glory?
Don't forget that the fellows
who are shrieking for war are not
going to fight. The men who will
have to fight fevers, smallpox,
Jungle horrors and the poor, down.
trodden poems down in Mexico are
our own boys Of the mill and shop
and field.
You'll and no plutocrats, politi-
clans or warlike newspaper edi-
tors on the firing line!
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1914-03-20

can dnd something which resembles
cornsd beef. to 60 with 1t.
Reports from the Flats are to the
effect that ice conditions are sucn
that Joe Bsdore will soon be able to
get out OF his bedroom.
One Of the advantagss>in visiting
q hotel for the purpose Of robbing 1t
at the point OF q revolver. lies in the
fact that there IL nobody hanging
around for = tip as you go out.
Those remarks in the senate re
speech Of our ambassador In London
will be found In the Congressional
Record. We presume. ON the funny
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1914-03-20


lt ann't spslag when ne - Aas gsa4,
UDR wan thoy tako - goe3s
= a. 60 th0t so0AUs
sD 0uDs.
Some Of our patriots who insist n
|thls Mexico matter that what r
needed u some killing along the Dor.
der. ought % spend . night n the
same room thay gave 20 In Port
Huron.
The average man can make . suc.
cess Of most everything but tomato
plants, II he sets out to do Il.
sDoar Mr.. -" reads = letter 20
IN from : manicurist Of whom we never
heard before. Beg TO- inform you that
on ana after March -, Will be To-
49, building"
No use In talking: . fellow ought
either to own penknife or wear
gloves.
washington 10 complaining Of high
taxicsb rates. With oil those wed.
dings taking place. too.
Doesn't It seem too bad when Win.
ter fingers In the lap Of Spring that
there isn't some way to pull the chair
from under Spring.
In Panama they have discovered .
plant which resembles the cabbage.
Maybe II they'll look around they
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1914-03-20
A Timely Afterthought

The new tariff law forbids the inn.
portation Of goods made by convict
labor, but Congressman Hensley Of
Missouri believes the prohibition
doesn't 90 far enough. He would also
exclude goods made by pauper or de-
tanned labor.
A sound idea, all right! Our skill
ed labor can hold its own in fair CON-
petition; nobody need fear 1t can't.
Given efficiency OF, shop management
which is where the efficiency move
ment ought to begin-the workers OF
America are competent to go against
the best of aliens, and no odds asked.
But it's only common fairness that
their higher standards OF living
shouldn't be menaced by competi-
ton recruited In foreign prisons or
asylums. where wages are little or
nothing.
Isn't 1t queer, though, that this Just
amendment should be an afterthought:
that, during all the years In which
tariffs were being framed at Wash
ington ostensibly for ''the protection
of the American workingmen." no.
body, until now. thought Of making
the protection really effective In the
place It was most needed?
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1914-03-20
QRFOR YOU, AID. BURTON! HERE'S
3oOST FOR YOU AND YOUR ORDINANCE

= Dst fortunate for representation in the common
thy getting from Aid Burton, who BY hs latest move
= 1T hedy demonstrated that he thoroughly appre-
y - temdhihH his once carries.
$1,000 IN introduced ordinance the council which would
11 e~onlho ~ sale 4 cigarettes to Detroits young
~ - cigarettes aAan sold within coo fest Of any
frtasr that dsas in cigarettes shall pay license fee
tnno ahan ~ IN ogazst*as to minarA
H inpsanaat and revocation Of hcsnse named
= phsss WHARF cigarettes azs so4 Il compelled
els hsaalt who Il head police tzuant squad
naMy e boy delnqlents in Derut chronic mokera
~ Jsvisn the proposed ordinance make the sale Of
without the payment 500 license fee would stop
wnttr1H = many places
rf T. tie seet o the campaign By the Twentieth Century
ye1 - vh the circulation 4 pamphlets calling attsn
Nv the means Stopping the sas of cigarettes
aad Of putting end to the habit The part Of many
M 4 ~. Esss Detroit this week win have in vain
~ hp sGss1 and the attention hs has aroused
cigarette smoking It have Tor climax the passage
nn Mnanos vhidh wouM vouch for real interest Of great
t. xsH inpsrtazt natsr
q 50 ~ bsh1ad Ala burton
m thst IL people Of Detroit appreaiatvs q anl
NJ - IL relation cigarette mokins hy boys AsI
IA ~ . swxkansd pubic hess IN Detroit
t1Es vn tAars Hks u interest public mattsr
11lsunt = ustshfulass public sfisGl
1870 IA plhHs servants hear quioky directly
mem 6s psolae whsn found out q Umpafy With
- ~ Oily and Tie peopla
ns - y duns than . JUMP ON ofiosn for thsI
~ ~ nnka
W r. - = ~ thm know It. = wsll whm thsy found
tAi1g - 1gAing fsE OoxCENDA1IE msasrss - ALI
g = ~ inshnsA
~ agxse with tAs alderman that the ale Of dgazst4sI
AGsn \ thing that ought not to b allowed far mI
~ ~ 1Alay Ala Burton H. u maintain
g gEmt Mynss for The tsi1tng Il young minds audi
ysug nnis TIT thg nay h clsaz clean and useful
un1& ~ vndsWB 4 tie class TIE sals II dgaz-I
~ in ~ dsaam thsss nnda but poison them aadI
- vul
~ mYp9t Ala Burton in this very vital matter
1 81 tly ~ Aew - en- d.
~ al1amm = your ward and tsn than that Jon want
Go ro1Dd sza that yes WAIT THEN 10 VOTE J01 IT,
na rxlts thm postal eard than n person,l
1kNv1 $50 taat - mean business.
6H1nm = satiaisd tha* his ccnstitusns want thiasf
ahoot - - gss pretty earnest Nmsslf n seeing that
@4 rs ~ fdhg Thy want
- xnow loh q times that the voters u his ward dol
&IG ~ nary 6mss, IN matters Ike this ancigarets|
1So1o lin s. de1bk
xo4 mt yoa vn mako It . very easy matter yoar
~ ~ m md fse AID Burton NEST with success IN
11o a1ien fW Ms measure, which stamps him ~ . real
~ saH ~ ward, but Of Ill Detroit real
Is~$x<W M IL ~ n..~1sE.
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1914-03-20

STk Elm Corners Gazette has
changed hands. Norton Hllsop, OF 10
Gust, hes bought En- papsr from. Bill
Bun, who announces that he u get.
tin OUT In compliance with En- first
law Of nature"
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1914-03-20

"John'o mother and HE brother
are With w. and ~ are expecting
John'o father bus eeae " Just the
sarsss h yev can."
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1914-03-20
overdojnu Il

OVERRIDING tG
ma! mai" sobbed Willie, do my
ears belong to my neck or my face?"
why, what II the matter?" was
the temporixing reply.
We'll. you told Mary to wash my
face, and she's washing my ears.
tool"
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1914-03-20

The Darhor.
He dresses In q nice white coat
And shouts out loud, you're next"
He usually talks all through his work
With weather a. his text
He'll cut your hair with movements
slick
And trim your mustache close.
And then he'll turn the shaving trick.
We need him goodness knows.
Jim Nance.
Oh, Yes, Of Course.
Old Salt-Yes. mum. them's memo
war!
Sweet Young Thing-How interest.
ing! And what are the little ones
just In front3
Old 6alt--Oh, them's Just tugs, mum.
Sweet Young Thing-Oh, yes, Of
course: tugs-of-war. rye heard of
them.
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1914-03-20

Yes, Yes, Guy.
"He who hesitates Is lost" quoted
the Wise Guy. "Yes, when he isn't
found out" added the Simple Mug
Philadelphia Record.
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1914-03-20

In Panama they have discovered .
plant which resembles the cabbage.
Maybe II they'll look around they
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1914-03-20

Washington 10 complaining Of high
taxicab rates. With oil those wed.
dings taking place. too.
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1914-03-20

xoU4 yn yoa vin mako II very easy matter for your
49, ~ mi md fbe Ala Burton to NEST with success IN
s11im for Ms measure which stamps him ~ Z real
~ ely ~ sn ward but q Ill Detroit and q real
III d1yS wln1ains