Omaha daily bee., 1914-10-21

| TO have been picked In alcohol until Il
has only one ray of energy left, and that
is the impulse to hold up people and live
on them. II also has a most violent tenn
per and foams at the mouth when a man
attempts to protect himself from It.
The Hard Luck Wilmer is cannIbalistic
in its tastes, and feeds chiefly on its own
family because they are easy and have
no way Of escape. II will eat UP its poor
old mother or It's Woodworking sisters
with the greatest relish. but 1t Is quite
content TO devour strangers Il, as occa-
4 sionally happens, an energetic female rel
alive takes the broom TO It and beats It
\ out of the house, for the Wilmer is at
heart a coward with a yellow streak in II
seven feet wide. -
The Hnrd Luck Winners method of at
tack IL as sneaklng as that OF "A cur dog
that cringes up TO you. but that you can't
shake or lose The first you know of its
presence it has fastened on you like a
leech and is emitting doeful sounds that
have been translated to mean 1T am a
poor unfortunate fellow. Everything is
against me- The world Is down on me.
Nobody appreciates me- Subsidized man
ayers won't take my play. Venial editors
won't buy my stories. Tyrannical en-
ployers turn me off for no reason. When
opened saloon in Kentucky the state
went dry. When 1 started a skating rink
In Massachusetts,, Strawberries ripened in
the open at Christmas. When 1 took q.
boatload of red flannels to the far north,
open-worked shirtwaists were the only
things that were de rigeur with the Arctic
Circle ladies. Woe! Woe! Woe is me!
never did have no luck nohowt"
This the Hard Luck Wilmer repeats
over and over again in & cracked-ice tone
until women scream with terror and
strong men turn pale and give UP the
ghost. Once there was a very brave man
who tried to save himself and his family
from Hard Luck Wilmer by interrupt
Ing its means and telling II that Il grew
its own tale of woe, but the relentless
creature only started again and told II all
over the second time, which killed the
man instantly, and since that time no.
body has ever dared to oven say scat
when one gets going
The chief characteristic OF the female
| Wilmer is that she loves to weep and
throw fits. Just let her soak the prem
Uses in brine and tear off a few epileptic
stunts and she is perfectly happy, but,
1
ing on the water works or bowling unless
she has an audience This leads her to
covertly insinuate herself into peoples
homes when they are not watching and
attack them at their own flreside.
Sometimes, whole families are slain
] thus in a bunch, and although the cor
oner's certificate may give the cause of
death as heart failure" Il Is perfectly
well known that they have been bored to
! death by Z female Wilmer.
The best known variety OF the female
Wilmer is the one that is known as the
Seen Better Days" variety. II is
scarcely necessary to describe this pest.
as there is probably no one so fortunate
as not to have been bitten by one. The
favorite habitat of this particular species
Is about women's exchanges and boarding
houses. where they are SO common that
| all prudent persons draw a dead line
about such places. The Seen Better
Days" female Wilmer always has q fam
lily tree branded upon her forehead, and
emits peculiar piercing and continuous
wall that sounds like my grandfather
the governor. My grandfather the gov
ernor. oh, L never expected to come to
this. never expected to come to this"
This gets on the listeners nerves In time
and causes him to wish he was dead.
Without doubt. however, the most for
midable variety of the female Wilmer Is
the "Unhappily Married" This is the
most feroclously merciless creature on
earth. the one that is by universal com
sent the most avoided. Well IL she called
the Queen Of Bores, for once she tastes
blood she never stops until her victim Is
| writhing in death agony before her Her
favorite prey Is woman, and she is found
infesting lonely places, especially at twi-
light or bedtime. when she springs upon
her victim and, with wailing. and weep
ing and gnashing OF teeth, gorges herself
upon her own miseries, unmindful Of the
fact that she is killing the woman and
perhaps robbing an interesting family OF
their chief means OF support.
There Is also another curious variety
OF the female Wilmer known as the Be
reaved. who rushes upon perfectly inno-
cent and unoffending strangers and as
ssults them with her family Commissioners.
But this species IL sometimes cured OF it's
rabies by q second marriage.
The chief pleasure that most people
have in life Is telling their troubles.
Women never feel really well ac-
auainted until they have had a good cry
together.
Hard luck is the mantle OF charity that
failures spread over their Incompetence
and laziness.
Nobody but herself knows the pleasure
a woman gets out OF having a drunken
husband. or a stingy one. that she can
talk about to her friends.
II We talked az much about our Joys as
we do about our sorrows. the world would
be cheerfuller place 10 live in.
The only people we are really justified
in telling our troubles to are the police
man. the doctor and the preacher. They
] are paid to listen.
We are all thieves OF other peoples
happiness when We burden them with our
woes.
1 ia. the coward in u. all that makes US
whine