The Democratic advocate. [volume] (Westminster, Md.) 1865-1972, 1914-03-13
MARK TWAIN ON
CURING A COLD.
WILLING TO GIVE REMEDIES HE USED
FOR BENEFIT OF SUFFERING
HUMANITY.

The first time I began to sneeze a
hot water and 60 to bed. | dld 80.
Shortly afterward another friend ad-
yised me to get up and take cold
shower bath | did that also. With
In that hour another friend assured
me that it was good policy TO feed
a cold and starve fever" So d
thought It best to fill myself up for
the cold and then keep dark and let
the fever starve for while.
started down toward the Office.
Another bosom friend told me that
a quart OF salt water taken warm
would come as near curing cold as
anything in the world. ! hardly
thought I had room for it, but tried
1t anyhow. The result was surpris-
ing. / believed / had thrown up my
immortal soul.
Nov, as / am giving my experience
only for the benefit Of those who are
troubled with the distemper 1 am
writing about, | feel that they will
see the propriety OF my cautioning
them against such portions OF 1t as
proved inefficient with me, and acting
upon this conviction, / warn them
against warm salt water. II may be
a good enough remedy, but / think
it Is too severe. If I had another
cold in the head, and there was no
other course left me but to take a
quart OF warm salt water or an earth
quake, / would take my chances on
the earthquake.
After the storm raging in my stom-
ach subsidized, no more good Samari-
tans happened along. went on bor-
rowing handkerchiefs again and
blowing them to atoms, until ! came
across a lady who had just arrived
from over the plains where doctors
were scarce and had from necessity
acquired considerable skill in the
treatment of family complaints.
knew she must have had experience
for she looked to be $50 years old.
She mixed a decoction composed
OF molasses, aquafortis. turpentine
and various other drugs and instruct
ed me to take wineglass full OF it
every Is minutes. / never took but
one dose; that was enough; it robbed
me of all moral principle and awoke
every unworthy impulse in my ma
ture Under its malign influence my
brain conceived miracles Of mean
ness but my hands were too feeble to
execute them; at that time, had It not
been that my strength had succumb-
ed to a succession OF infallible remed-
les for my cold, am satisfied that
would have tried to rob the grave
yard
Like most other people I often feel
mean and act accordingly, but until
/ took that medicine | had never re-
veled in such supernatural depravity
and felt proud Of it.
At the end Of two days | was ready
to 60 to doctoring again. I took a
few more unfailing remedies and
finally drove my cold from my head
to my lungs. / conversed in thumb
ering bass, two octaves below my
natural tone. T could only compass
my regular nightly repose by cough
ing myself down to a state of utter
exhaustion, and then the moment I
began to talk in my sleep my dis
cordant voice woke me up again.
My case grew more and more seri-
Gus every day. Plain gin was re
commended; I took it. Then gin and
molasses; / took that also. Then
gin and onions; added the onions
and took all three. I detected no
particular result except that 7 had
acquired a breath like buzzar6-
A sheet bath was recommended. I
had never refused a remedy yet. and
II seemed poor policy to begin then.
Therefore / decided to take a sheet
bath, although / had no idea what
sort of arrangement it was. 1T was
administered at midnight and the
weather was frosty. My breast and
back were barred, and a sheet (there
appeared to be a thousand yards Of
it, soaked In ice cold water, was
wound around me until / resembled a
swab for a columbiad 1t was a cruel
expedient When the chilly rag
touches ones warm flesh it makes
him start with sudden violence and
gasp for breath Just as men do in
the death agony. IL froZe the mar
row in my heart. l thought my time
had come.
When the sheet bath failed a young
lady friend recommended the appli-
cation of a mustard plaster to my
breast. 4 believe that would have
cured me effectually if it had not been
for young Wilson. When 7 went to
bed I put the mustard plaster-which
was Y very gorgeous OAe 10 nChS1
square-where | could reach II when
ready, but young Wilson got hungry
in the night and-here Is food for
Imagination.
In San Francisco a lady at the
hotel told me to drink quart OF
whiskey every "a hours and friend
In town advised the same course.
That made half gallon. 7 did 1t and
still live.
Now with the kindest motives in
the world offer for the consideration
OF consumptive patients the varie-
gated course OF treatment lately
went through.