The Newport plain talk. (Newport, Tenn.) 1909-1939, 1914-01-29
that sleeps with mail bag for pill

old and infirm while they wait. No OBJ
jections to their holding down the
chairs and visiting for two or three
hours. Only postoffice on the globe
provided with easy chairs. Make a
note Of this when you want anything
in old Paps line
And this:
"There are at least forty checker
players In Jericho, and up to the pres
ent time there has been no place at
which they could gather and cuss the
rich and the high cost of living and
play the game. Old Pap Pinkham,
postmaster, hereby announces that he
has hired the vacant cooper shop next
door to the postoffice and fitted it up
as checker club free to all players.
"Such notices as God Bless Our
Home greet the eye on every side.
"Hot or cold cider and not cent to
pay!
"No interference from the United
States government in case Of row!
"The place has been made sound
proof, and all kinds of cuss words will
be permitted!
wives who come looking for their
husbands at midnight will be furnish
ed with bludgeons!
"Only postoff1ce on the face of the
earth with a checkerboard annex.
Don't let Hawkins, the druggist, make
you believe he has got something just
as good"
And this:
During the coming winter our pop
ular postmaster will give the patrons
of his Office free sleigh ride to Dobbs
Ferry and back every Saturday even
ing. Sleighs capable Of holding 100
people will be on hand at the post
Office.
mo crowding! No strap hanging!
Mouth organ music in both sleighs
and the singing of such songs as old
Black Joe,' The Old Oaken Bucket,
My Old Kentucky Home etc.
mo arrests by the police!
"Home in time for family prayers
and to wind up the clock!
Careful drivers for both sleighs and
Old Pap himself in the head one to
look out for bombs in the road and
give eclaw to the occasion!
"Only postmaster In the wide world
to give free sleigh rides to patrons!
Give him call and look over his stock
Of mail bags and postage stamps. He
will please you or break a leg trying"
Away From Frying Wives.
And this:
"Are you a true son of Jericho? If
SO you play poker. Have you any place
in which to play-any place beside the
haymow in the barn, where your wife
is like to bulge in on you any mo-
ment?
"No. you have not, but you shall
have!
"Old Pap Pinkham, the prince Of post
masters, has leased the vinegar factory
Just west of the postoffice and fitted it
up as poker parlor.
"A checkerboard room on one side Of
the postoff1ce and poker parlor on the
other! Entrances to both from the Of
fee!
"You take your choice, and it costs
you nothing.
"At intervals when business is slow
Old Pap drops in and holds a pat
straight or draws to four flush.
Pictures of Mr.. Hoyle and others
hung on the walls.
"You have only to yell out and the
boy comes In with the cider and don't
stand around waiting for tip.
Sound proof. the same as the other.
You can cuss your luck In clarion
tones and not be heard outside the
room. A kitty with every game
"Come right along, whether you
want to buy stamps or not. You will
want to some day, and then you'll re-
member Old Pap"
And this:
"Scores Of our citizens use trading
stamps and beer stamps on their let
tiers. and but for the kindness of Old
Pap their missives would be sent to
the dead letter Office. Instead of so
disposing of them he ticks on the prop
er postage stamps and sends them on
a-kiting. He would rather you affixed
them in the first place, but If you are
busted or absent minded don't worry.
"Is there another postmaster on
earth who will do this?'
The Magic Summons.
And this:
Especial Notice! 1t is well known
fact that Old Pap attends prayer meet
Ing every Thursday evening, and this
Is to give notice that should he be
wanted in the checker or poker room
to make up hand there need not be
the slightest hesitation In sending a
messenger after him.
Instruct the messenger to whistle
bar or two Of old Dog Tray in the
vestibule. and Old Pap will make his
sneak and run all the way.
as there another postmaster in
America IL It would do the same?
"Trust Old Pap.
"Conflde in him.
"Let him be a father to you"
OLD PAP PINKHAM,
BEST Postmaster on Earth.)