The mirror. (Stillwater, Minn.) 1894-1925, 1914-12-31
new YEARS RESOLUTIONS ONLY GIVEA
MAN FOOD FOR REPENTANCE
A FEW LITTLE JOKES
One Of the Most Valuable Characteristics
Of New Years Resolutions is Durability.
They are like Rauium They Always
Give Out, But They Never Give Out.
By Beau Esprita

| l.
like paroles? asked Paddy the other
} day. | had never thought that of
Paddy. The answer is too obvi-
Gus. | like a good sensiable ques-
ton for debate, like how old is
Ann?" Or some of the other good
old standbys that give a man food
for thought. New Year resolutions
only give man food for repentance.
One of the most valuable charac-
teris,ics of New Year resolutions is
their durability. When l was a
boy-not so very long ago at that
believed that cat had nine lives.
This belief was strengthened by
various experiments tried on the
family tabby. But believe me, not
a STACEY old Thomas ever cake
walked an alley fence hormonizing
to the moon who had anything on a
New Year resolution. l state this
also from experience.
Another valuable characteristic
of the New Year resolution is it's
elasticity. The little red text book
so dear to boylsh hearts claim tha,
rubber is the most elastic substance
know TO man; and places glass sec-
ond. This is palpably wrong. Truth
Is the most elastic thing with which
men deal, and New Year resolutions
burns its heels coming under the
wire. Who ever heard of a piece
of rubber that could he stretche,
over six months bout with John
BarleycorD! Or piece OF glass
That would bunnd back TO place
automatically once year for The
span of life time? New year reso-
luIlons will do both. The goddess
Necessity was goddess, wasn't
it?-has been fouliy slandered. Some
one has imputed to her off spllng
" Inch Is not her own. In the i'll
terest of morality want to state
right here that invention Is the at
ural child of New Year resolutions,
fatbered by desire. You make a
New Year resolution; then you get
craving-that longing feellng-for
what you have foresworn. And all
Invention to ecircu,uvent the New
Year resolution and CRAFTY the de-
sire is born. Necessity may have
adopted the child, or borro we'd il
Temporarily. but she certainly never
bore 1t.
New Year resolutions have been
much abused. There has probably
been more swearing connected with
them than with any other one thing
on earth. Why one weakly little
specimen is good for swear a year
by one-half the entire population of
the globe! But the greatest indig-
nifty that has ever been heaped upon
them was perpetrated by a man in
Chicago. One year, not long ago,
he took advantage of the occasion
to swear off swearing off!
Ellis Parker Butler made the
guinea pig famous as a multiplier in
magazine story called Pigs is
Pigs" The common rabbit is no
slouch in this respect, either. But
the New Year resolution is the
grardest little multiplier you ever
saw. 1t has this advantage over the
rabbit and the guina pig, that while
it takes two Of either of these to
start with, you can start with one
New Year resolution. You CAN,
say. l advise you not too, but you
can do it. And of course you will
do it too. l knew that all the time.
Then that resolution suggests
another. and the two of them sug-
gest half-a-dozen more. They are
like radium always produce
but they never give out. / knew
man once who started in the busi-
ness of raising New Year,sresolu-
tons as sort of past-time. He
thought he would raise few, just
few-enough for hom consumption.
He etarted by swearing off drinking.
This naturally suggested that he cut
out smoking aud card playing. BY
that time he was fairly in their
clutches. He kept on swearing of,