The Washington herald., 1914-01-11

My neighbor ranted against Dame
Fortune when some thief stole the pig
from his pen. but in ten minutes ] had
shown him that had hC kept and fed the
animal another six months his bacon
would have cost him IS cents per pound.
had beaten the street car conductor
out of my fare when conscience upbraid-
ed me, and / went to headquarters to
turn in the nickle and promise honesty
the rest of my days When I arrived
there they had just bounced the conductor
for knocking down s. in one day! II is
just as bad to be too honest as too dis
honest.
I suppose that Nature knew her busi-
ness when she made the foxes to devour
the hares, but IL had been born a hare
/ should certainly protest against the mo-
notony of the program.
had carried the idea for years and
years that a burglar must of necessity
be bad man. when II came my way to
meet one and have confidential chat.
He assured me and convinced me that he
had been obliged to turn burglar because
he could find no opening to start a cloth
ing store. The profit on clothing Is 40
per cent; on burglary only g.
have made a great many friends dur
ing my life. Each and every one of
those friends has borrowed money of
me and found it more convenient to drop
the friendship than to return the loan.
Moral: Always be dCad-broke.
am one of thousands who feels
obliged to DR.. Cook for lying about his
a # L.. IL .,,1 rs,,sr
sS0.0oo out OF IL. He could have made
three times as much by pretending to
have discovered one-day corn-cure.
I promptly admit that IL is hard on a
man to be aroused from a sound slumber
by the yeowls of a neighbor's cat, and
my first impulse is TO bring out the shot
gun. Then comes the sober second
thought IL the yeowls disturb me. who
am an outsider what about the discom-
forts and stings of conscience of the
owner of the cat!
Medical men say that laughter should
always go with a meal. especially break
fast. as il is an aid to quick digestion.
| have tried to put their advice in prac-
tice. but made "A lamentable failure. II
there is a husband that can make his
wife laugh at the breakfast table by tell
ing her that IL he could have filed his
four fiushes the evening previous, he would
have been $50 ahead of the game. instead
of that much out, / ask him to COM
municate with me by telegraph, and be
sure to mark his telegram: Rush. I'm
Dam Quick
I knew a man who thought that an
other ma wronged hirr out of % cents
in a certain deal He spent fifteen years
and over $lOO in scheminG to get even,
and then died without having accom-
plished it. No wonder that some folks
don't get rich.
One OF the most solemn thoughts con-
nected with stroll through a cemetery
IS that all the honest ant upright and
men seemed to have died
1ff, leaving the bad ones TO kick up their
heels and live on. An epitaph, like the
weather prediction in a family almanac.
;annot go wrong.
There lately died in England a man who
lad been presented with no less than
'orty-eight medals for honesty. bravery
Ind virtue and so forth. He died from
starvation and cold, and then il was re-
nembered that he had never been pre-
iented with as much as a dime in cash
o honor him.
My friend Jones remarked to me the !
'ther day that grating had almost ceased !
o be "A profession. looked into the mat |
er rather closely and discovered that !
ones was wrong u isn't that grating |
$ becoming a lost art. but that the graft |
RS are covering their tracks with more |
are than formerly.
l once spent a whole day seeking to
convince friend that it was utterly I'M l
,ossible for Noah TO have had a grizzly
,ear in the Ark when he set sail. as
America was unknown for thousands OF
'ears afterwards, and she is the only
country that has ever grown them. At
asst / brought him to agree with me, 4
md straightaway asked myself what
lad gained by it. II he didn't believe in
he bear he would in the skunk,
One reason why / have never donated
IS much as cents worth to the cause
II the foreign missions is because /
ave had my doubts right along II IL
would help the heather any when the
Iorn blew. There will be so many Amer
can business men crowding forward to