davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington herald., 1914-12-27
Mr.. BOWSER'S TONIC

: "Ah! that goes right to the spot.
That's the genuine stun I've been ach-
ing for" ~ p.
Good. is it?" queried Mrs. Bowser.
Next thing to nectar. I've tasted
forty different kinds OF root beer. but
| this
What is it?'' she asked. as he hump
ed himself up like a calf in a snow
storm and buIged out his eyes.
| But this beats 'em ALL" he finished
with a great effort and sat down be-
side her. I'm the morning III barrel
| II up and have my own nectar on tap"
MIR. Bowser lied about that. He
meant to upset the tub and spill every
drop before he went to bed and lay II
on the cats. but he didn't propose to
go back on his own root beer with Mrs.
Bowser watching him. but then a sud-
den spasm seized him and he grew
white and groaned:
Say. l believe I've been poisoned by
| that Internal st1n.'
NO. Why. you said II was nectar"
Nectar be hanged. I'm doubling up
with pains in my stomach! Gee whiz.
What shall l dor
"Mr Bowser, root beer never hurts
anybody" she said with her hand on
his back. Didn't you fall from a
tree?'
Fall? Tree? Woman. am l a fool?
tell you I'm a dead man, must
have stepped up some poisonous roots.
Great Scott
Mrs. BOwser got him into the sitting
room and on the lounge. A mustard
plaster was laid across him, the cam
phor bottle was held to his nosc. and
she rubbed his feet and hands alter1
nately and dosed him with brandy
She insisted that he must have had a
sunstroke. OF had been hit by an auto
mobile. and twice she offered to go out
and bring him a quart of nectar IL he
felt thirsty. He simply GrOaned in re-
ply. and now and then fetched a shiver
which made his toes crack. II was mid
night before the pain disappeared and
he fell asleep. and Mrs. BOwser reused
him up and got him 10 bed. Next
morning he seemed to be all right, and
as they sat down to breakfast she
foolishly said:
When I went out to look at your
root beer / found four dead cats lying
around. Don't you think you made
some mistake somewhere"
Il do. madam" he promptly replied.
You were opposed to my making il.
You wanted to sec me fail. When my
back was turned you threw arsenic or
strychninc or something into the ket-
tie, and ] just escaped death. This is
The Washington herald., 1914-12-27

Go and kill him." whispered the
tempter. Go and kill him and take
all his money and fee far away. He
deserves killing for the way he has
treated you, and all the money you can
find should be yours by right"
1 at first rejected the idea with hor-
ror. but it would not go away. 1t
came to me again and again. and by
and by I accepted 1t. Yes, at midnight
1 would go up and kill him and rob
the place of its savings. l was cool
and calm as / planned il. 1 was no
longer an abject pauper boy. but a
stranger to myself. 1 fully realized
that / was some one else, but yet /
was glad OF it. The more 1 thought IL
over the less murder and robbery
seemed a crime, and by and by had
neither fear nor pity in my heart. At
midnight with an iron bar in my hand,
/ crept upstairs and softly pushed the
old mans door open. He had just got
out of bed. He had a candle in one
hand and a rope in the other. and there
was a devilish smile on his face as he
thought how he would trap and get re-
venge on me. My face must have told
him that was there to do murder, for
his jaw dropped, and / saw terror in
his eyes. i had raised the bar and was
about to spring forward. neither of us
having uttered word, when there was
crashing and a splintering, and a
great heap of junk which was stored
in the room above him came down.
It was morning before any one found
us. He was dead-broken, battered,
bruised and crushed out of all SEM
blance-while / was little better OF.
No man suspected that I was there to
do murder. They called IT an accident,
though tell you 1t was the hand of
God. God took the old mans life to
prevent me from becoming a murderer.
but at the same time dealt out my just
punishment. Had I dyed my hand in
blood there would have been no Heaven,
for me. Tomorrow. when they bear my
corpse out of this. maybe the angels
will have pleaded my cause and secured
for me.
The Washington herald., 1914-12-27

the human system requires tOning up?"
And you have something to tone
q have. ] have a feeling OF lassi-
tude. So have you. If allowed to run
any length of time bilious fever would
be the result-bilious fever, and per-
haps death. The impending calamity
must be averted. 1t can easily be done,
and in this package is the means to do
it. In three days we will feel like new
human beings. 1 am going to prepare
a family tonic"
But l don't want any of it," she
firmly replied.
Then you needn't take any. II you
want to look like a walking saffron
bag by the time the first birds come I
have no objections. As for me. l pro-
pose to take care OF myself. l have
here lot OF roots which l bought di-
rect from a farmer. Roots make root
beer. Mrs. Bowser. and root beer is the
greatest tonic on earth. Every doc
tor
But what do you know about
roots?' interrupted Mrs. Bowser.
Roots. Roots. You just show me a
root I can't tell you the name of!
may not be much of a farmer. but when
it comes down to roots I'm right on
deck " ith any of 'em. That's what we
want. Mrs. Bowser-a barrel OF root
beer-creamy. fzzy. delicious winter
ana spring tonic. That $ what made
Methuselah live to be S74 years old.
and that's what'n keep us dancing
from morn till night"
Il can't make IL. and l know you
can't. and l wish you'd give it up.
There's risk of being poisoned"
But / can make root beer and If you
are afraid OF IT. don't touch it, he Wig
orously replied. Il need a tonic and
propose TO have it. As this is the cooks
night out I'll slip into the kitchen and
begin operations. Have we a large
kettle around?''
81 presume so." she said, as she look
ed over the contents of the package.
You seem to- have several sorts of
roots here"
Certainly. Root beer can't be made
of one root, can itG'
Il don't think / ever saw any roots
like these before. That looks like the
root of a Canada thistle. and this
one
Mrs. Bowser. am running this root
beer business!" he interrupted. as he
stood her aside. Il get the roots. make
the beer, and take all the chances OF
being poisoned. If you have any more
sarcasm go out and talk to the lamp
post"
1t was a fixed idea in Mr.. .Bowser's
mind that root beer was made from
roots. but he wasn't quite sure OF the
next step. After getting down to the
kitchen and thinking it over for a
while he decided that the roots ought
to be boiled. and he at once felt hap
The Washington herald., 1914-12-27

"IgoansJ Reckon II gibs some of yo'
de headache, but yo'll hev to put up wild
il. II was well to organize Il party, an
II am well TO say NO want Office, but
doan' yO' go to prancin' around an think
in yO've got dc white man Oh his back.
lie nebber gifts dar. tHesitating cheers
as a Possum. I want to see dis move as
a success. Dc only wav yo' kin make II
a success am to 20 on an not lose yo'r
heads. OATS de great trouble wild col
Ored man, as We all know. He nebber
gifts sight OF rabbit track widout
jumpin' to de conclusion dat he's gwine
10 run down q bar. tApplause ana
lauShtcr.) Jest look fur de rabbit and
We can't help feclin' dat our rights ortcr
be- recognized. but dc lesson taught US
by our emblem. dc possun, should not
he wasted. tApplauss)
My fren's. l thank yO' for yo'r kind
attenshun. I may not hrv rnthused yo'.
but believe l hev advised yo' fur dc
pOrtunity Of Sayin' a few words. an
when de meetin has bin broken in two
yO will find me i'm de aunty-room wild
my recipe fur maxim root beer. De said
recipe am printed in red ink from big
type So dat all may read. an I not only
warrant de beer to cure de twenty-one
dHerent ailments named on de back OF
de recipe. but to i.rodUrc srDh a holy
calm around de gineTal fireside dat yor
dawg will think cherry day in de week
am Sunday.
u ntl about ten Y aTS ago root beer
was reCkOncd tO- be exclusively n sum-
mer drink. Den it was diskibercd TO be
like de Baptist reliSun-gOOd all de var
round. Ii cOols you OF In a hot day.
an il warns You up in cold one. II
you hcv forgot dat you owe $50 back
rent il will bring de fact back to mind
an help you to dodge de landlord at de
same time 1t won Keep You outer Jail
IL you steal a hawg but il will help you
to find s. on de sidewalk and lay de
fOundashuns fur a character fur truth.
honesty an varChem. Twenty-Five cents
Il package, an no reduction to ds
clergy
The Washington herald., 1914-12-27
HE WAS TAKING CHANCES.

Il just want to ask a question or two
said the cid man with the bundle under
his arm Of the man who sat with n grip
sack between his feet in the depot.
Ii it's about trains, you'd better go
to the ticket window" was the reply.
''Oh, but it isn't about trains. I know
gets to Jacksonville. If she keeps on the
tracks. What I'm a little shaky on, and
what l want to be sure about, is who
diskivered America"
rs it possible you don't know" eN-
claimed the man with the grip as he half
turned in his scat
Il think / know. but I don't want to
make no mistake about 1t. 1t was Co
lumbus, wasn't it?''
''Of course"
christopher Columbus?''
Certainly. 1t seems to me a man Of
your age ought to be pretty we'll posted
on such historical facts as that
Yes, but you see I've been pretty
busy and though I've aIlus had a sneak
in idea that II was Columbus, / haven't
gone right to work to git the thing down
fine. There's $50 in ii now, and want to
come home with that money in my
pocket"
How is there SO in it?" asked the
man with the grip.
''S-s-sh! Don't give it away. My son
Bill got married last year. and went to
Jacksonville to live. As long as he was
home he stuck to II that George Wash
inRton discovered America, and lie bluff
down into our boots a hundred times
over IL. His father-in-law gave him
500 the other day, and I'm goin' to git
half of II. I'll do II sure's you're born.
I'm goin' up on visit and I'll take a
hoe and go out in the cornheld with him,
and after we've worked a while I'll say:
bill, I've almost forgotten about
George Washington. What did he do?'
"Diskivered America" Bill will say.
Cant be-"
But he did,
I've got to doubt it,
Then Bill will out with his roll Of
greenbacks and peel on a SO and shake
It under my nose and dare me to bet.
I'll act kind of fiustered and onsartin,
but Jest as he thinks he's bluffed me
down I'll pull out my cash and take him
Up. Bill never goes back on n bet. II
he bet hen had four legs he'd stick to
II. IN scoop him out OF half hundred
as easy as rollin' or a log. He'll give
folks have told him IL was Columbus in
stead Of Washington. but, come to think
of 1t. I dunno-I dunno"
You think something will follow. do
THAT'S it," replied the father as his
face grew a little anxious. THE last
time I won a bet of Bill he handed over
the money all right, but he tore down
the hogpen and the smokehouse. pulled
all the doors OF the barn, uproofed tho
milkhouSe and sent me to bed for six
weeks. I've got to be little coy with
Bill. / may stick to Columbus and win
$50, but IL he lets 90 Of Washington to
wreck the town Of Jacksonville and Grip
pie all the inhabitants for life. I may
not be SO much ahead Of the game, after
auH
The Washington herald., 1914-12-27

pier for II. There was a big kettle un-
der the sink. which the cook used oc-
casionally on scrub days, and that was
the very thing for the roots. He went
to work to clean II out, and after Ia
boring for five minutes he decided that
what little rust was left wouldn't do
any particular hurt. In fact, IT would
probably give the beer the right sort
of twang and help IL to slip down the
easier. He dumped the roots into the
tub and soused them with cold water.
but was careful not to get them too
clean. When all was ready he put
them into the kettle. poured in four
pals of water and started up the fire.
The winter tonic was at last under
way. He wanted to ask Mr.. Bowser
how long it ought to boil. but as she
had taken up a book and seemed to
have no interest in his proceedings he
determined to go it alone. After half
an hour. however. and just as his stew
had begun to boil. she came into the
kitchen to ask:
What are you going TO put into the
beer to make IL work.
How work."
why. it's got to feTment or 1t won't
have any life to it. believe they use
yeast, but we haven't got any"
He suddenly remembered to have
yeast IN connection Win
root beer. but veXcd at his own stupid
ity he wouldn't give in.
People who want yeast in their root
beer can have it, he said as he stirred
up the fire anew. 81 am making a root
beer to please myself"
He had a dim idea that an hours
boiling ought to extract all the virtue
from the roots. but not being sure of
II he kept the fire going for two. and
every time the mess in the kettle thick
cned up he poured in more water. At
length he decided that the stun was
ready TO ladle into the tub to cool, but
the work wasn't half finished when
Mr.. Bowser made up his mind that IL
wasn't ft for a pig to drink. He
wasn't going TO admit IL to Mrs. Bow
ser. however. and he was sitting around
and wondering how he could get out
of it without loss of prestige when she
rea appeared and asked:
'Is the beer all right"
How could it be otherwise?" he re-
piled.
We'll. Tm-Elad OF it. l think you
really need a tonic. When arc you go
ing to begin drinking it,"
Right OF. now he said as he rose
up and got a cup and walked to the
tub.
The FIRST swallow OF the stun almost
lifted Mr.. Bowser OF the ground. but
The Washington herald., 1914-12-27

1 had camped by the roadside between
the town OF Happy Days and Calamity
Hill, and es the sun went to his purple
bed without kicking up any row about
it, and the shaddeEs Of twilight gathered
and crickets sung, 1 looked around me
and said TO myself:
He that dwelleth in peace hath
riches"
And also:
You can't make anything else of
hog. but you can turn his bristles into
a hairbrush."
And likewise:
He who determines to make the best
of life will sooner have all he would
possess"
II was thus with me, and the speerits
Of my hoss, my fghtin' dog, and my bot
tied grasshopper was calm and placid
when the strains of sweet music fell
upon my ear. Liftin' up my head and
gain in the direction of Calamity Hill,
/ saw approachin' me an old critter with
a smile on his face and a limp In his leg,
and as he came he played upon an ac-
Gordon. The tune he played was ''Baby's
Gone Home" and as he finally halted
before me, my heartstrings were
touched.
''Devenin', fellow pilgrim. Sit thee
down and rest fur awhile" I said in
greeting.
And he sat down and put out out his
tongue and rolled up his eyes and played
he tune to its sad endin, and Ii was
with tears in my eyes that / said to him:
No matter what the price of butter
$, no household kin escape the sorrows
# life"
The Washington herald., 1914-12-27
THE HAND OF GOD

All have to tell you in connection
with the accident that brought me to
this hospital is this: My parents were
drowned before 1 was a year old, and
after being passed from one person to
another I was at last sent to pau
per's home. At the age of ten 1 ran
away from the institution. hoping to
better my condition. but instead of that
] fell into the hands of this and that
farmer, and in every instance 1 was
overworked and ground down. The
name generally given me was Pau
per-" and l was clothed in the cheapest
and poorest garments and fed with the
dogs. If I bore it patiently. l was an
object for further abuse; if 1 rebelled,
l was kicked out to find another place.
I used to wonder and speculate as to
why 1 was treated in this manner
The Washington herald., 1914-12-27

light. 1 was determined to try the city
this time. My rags, my ignorance and
my general appearance had always
frightened me. away from the towns
and kept me among the agriculturists.
/ had scarcely descended from the cart
when 1 encountered an old man, who
looked me over and then accosted me.
He seemed to have a kind face, and he
spoke pleasantly, and it was soon
agreed that 1 should go with him.
As 1 was a pauper and a runaway
too. l could expect no more than
clothes and board in exchange for my
services. The man was named Sabin.
He kept a secondhand furniture shop.
and as he was all alone in the world
he lived in a miserable way in a room
over the shop. In a day or two he got
me to sign a paper binding myself to
him until of age. and the ink was hard
ly dry on the az mark before found
a change in him. He was by nature
cruel, stingy and selfish. He worked
me without stint, and during the two
years 1 was with him 1 was always
hungry and tired. He beat me also,
and that without excuse. He beat me
because it was a joy to him to hear me
beg and see me suffer. / know that
several people demonstrated with him
for his treatment, but without avail to
me. Indeed. 1 think he added extra
cruelty on their account.
One night when had been with Mr..
Sabin about two years, and just after
he had beaten me for some trife and
laughed over his work, a strange
thought came to me. He occupied a
room by himself. while 1 slept on any
handy piece of furniture or on the bare
floor. 1 lay signing and suffering
when Satan whispered in my ear. I
was so frightened that 1 sat bolt up
right in the darkness and felt my heart
in my mouth. That whisper was an
inquiry as to why / didn't avenge my
many wrongs. For the first time in my
life a feeling of revenge crept into my
heart. and il made me shake and trem-
bic. 1 had stood insults and abuses be-
yond number, and never thirsted for
reparation. In a quarter of an hour
there was more change in me than the
last ten years had wrought. I called
up all my wrongs. My heart filled
with bitterness against the whole
world. ! wanted to strike men dead
for what they had made me suffer. The
old man found a change in me the next
morning. 1 had spent the whole night
and when he called me his
dog and threw me a morsel OF food
stood up and cursed him. When he
laid his hands on me l threw him to
the floor. He was dumbfounded. but
he shut his teeth together and looked
at me with half-shut eyes and said
that he would have my life. We were
both sullen and silent that day, but
reasoned il out that his plan was to
come downstairs that night as 1 slept
and bind me fast and then torture me
to his hearts content Yes. reasoned
1t out that this would be his way, and
while 1 was wondering how / could
baffe him Satan came to my aid.
The Washington herald., 1914-12-27
c 90 N 7 A L K S
Adam and Eve Were Not Colored Folks

When yo' want to do any braggin', yo'
jest skip Adam and Eve and do yo'r
hull talkin' about Ham. Gong contin-
ued applause, during which three lamps
went outD
AN when yo' git frew taIkin' bout
Ham yo' want to take up de kings of
Africa, Egypt and Arabia, an yo' want
to ask who built de pyramids an de an
cient cities Of de East. De descendants
Of Ham kept growin' lighter in COM
pleXion as dey Earned to use mo- soap,
but dey was his people all de same.
(OutburstD Oars a heap OF 'em left
ober dar yit, an as nigh as I kin ind
out dey am hustlin' right along wild de
white man. We's got a heap to be
proud Of. chen II We didn't git de fust
keerds on de pack, but I'm hopin' we
shan't OverdO' matters We's got Pos
sum party yere. and dc's feelin' dat we
has got political rights, but We want to
go slow and keep our eye on de wnite
man. No use sayin' he don't boss dis
kentry, kase he does. II We go to doin'
any bluffin' he'll call our hands and glib
us de flop. We can't bluff him. and We
can't skeer him. an we's got to look sort
OF keerless an take what we kin git.
The Washington herald., 1914-12-27
SOME THINGS FOR LIGHT
ROTS KEEPTSG

\ citizen OF Oshkosh was out with
his skates one morning when he met
up with a traveller and inquired the
way to the lake.
May I infer" replied the traveller
as he mopped the sweat off his brow.
that it is your desire to cut q few
pigeon-wings on ice"
You may. and your perspicacity
does credit to a cross-eyed man." was
the reply.
But let US argue the case for a mo-
ment. 1t is now the month OF July"
81 cannot dispute it."
And hence there is no ice. can di-
rect you to the nearest lake but
There will be no skating? I see.
You may direct. however. and l will
take n swim instead OF a skate. There
may be a distinction and a difference.
but I am no hair-splitter."
Il will cheerfully direct you" said
the traveller. but you will doubtless
find the lake has evapOrated under the
hot sun.
Then it will be in order to take a
mud bath. Prithee. sir. do not disap-
point me in my estimation OF your
character"
Marry. but would not. and yet me-
thinks there is no mud. A 5 l rode that
way yesterday I noticed that there was
only a deposit of alkali. when there
should have been oceans of pasty soil"
But alkali has its uses, noble SIR
OF a surety 1t hath"
"A teaspoonful dissolved in salt wa
ter relieveth a burning Of the heart.
methinks."
1T is so without doubt. but IL the
aIkali trust have scOoped up all the
powder since yesterday"
Alas. it may be so! Hast advice to
OFFER"
Marry. but il shall be as thou pleas
eth," replied the Oshkosher. and as the
other pulled his gun and shot away his
boot heels he went waItZinE and Gid
ing over the prairie until lost to view
behind n shanty with a sign OF ''Sa-
nx-nF the
The Washington herald., 1914-12-27

'' ,rTis, true" said he, with sigh that
made him hump his back, but them
that sorrow may be Consoled. Kin I
take it that you are travelin' about to
hid the sorrOwful lift their heads and
lind consolation i'll the future?'
You kin. That's me to pin. And
while ] am traveln' and consolin' / am
also takin tintypes at 10 cents a take,
and now and then winnin' a race with
my hOSs and a fight with my dog. I
likewise carry an orphan grasshopper in
a quart bottle to pint a moral with. Tho
moral is that luxury is the right arm Of
Satan Mcbbe this is also your line"
She is says the stranger. Il hain't
got no hoss or Erasshopper, but l yank
music out of this accordion. and I speak
words of kindness to the distressed. In
my humble way l am tryin' to make the
world brighter and gooder."
We shook hands. 1t was a long, lin
germ shake ana the tears overflowed,
and We wiped our noses and 1 said:
He who forgets his fellow-men for
gets himself"
And he said:
''He who upbuildeth is greater than a
king"
The Washington herald., 1914-12-27

What is in that package you sent
home this afternoon" asked Mrs. Bow
ser, after dinner the other evening. Il
suppose it's another fad OF some sort"
Fad! Fadr demanded Mr.. Bowser.
when did you ever know OF my run
ming after fads?"
"A hundred times. I'll wager it's
something for your liver or kidneys, or
lungs-something you bought of an In
dian doctor on the street"
Mrs. Bowser," said he, after a turn
about the room. you are probably
aware of the fact that this is almost
winter"
''Yes"
And that with the cold weather.
heavy food. overheated rooms. etc.
The Washington herald., 1914-12-27

why there was never a kind word for
me-why men, women and children de-
sired to humiliate me and add to my
burdens. ! wasn't malformed and I
wasn't sul1y or impudent. Had any
human being interested himself in me
1 should have come up to give the
world an honest fight in an honest way.
/ was sixteen years old, as near as !
can make it. when / was last kicked
out. l had worked for that farmer q
year. and he had clothed me like a
scarecrow and fed me like a dog. Sim
ply because / broke the handle of a
hoe by accident, ! was beaten until
fell unconscious. In the small hours
of the night, groaning at every step,
but fearful of my life, 1 took to the
highway. and a carter gave me lift
which carried me many miles before
The Washington herald., 1914-12-27
HUNTING FOR A GOOD THING.

One day. as the village cooper was
standing in the door of his shop and
pondering over the mighty works of
nature. which included the making of a
pig with a knot in his tail. along came
an old farmer on horseback. who stop
ped to say:
"Prithec. friend, would ask thco .
question"
And thou shalt have an answer
"Canst thou in the goodness Of thy
heart direct me to the baseball
grounds
"I Canst; but there is naught up there
but an old goat at the present time"
The Washington herald., 1914-12-27

Yes; that's like an old fool! When
you was inferring all them infers. why
didn't you infer that II wasn't a pole
cat and let the thing alone? We won't
get rid OF the smell all SUMMER
Our hindsight is always better than
our foresight