The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1914-12-12
us EXPERIENCE

BY PETER HickUM.

I don't propose to make myself e1-
ira ridiculous by calling myself
hero. Ny solitary. wifeless existence
in this secluded grove must not be
ascribed to poverty or misanthropy.
as own several nice farms and would
graciously permit any middle-aged lady
to superintend the said real estate and
my piano; but my solitary life Is due
to my two besetting sins-having
loved too many girls. and having been
too good.
am myself too far advanced IN |
life to gain benefit from my sad expe' |
rience, but it might be Of value to
those who are not too old to learn.
My childhood shall be skipped, with
the laconic allusion that wasn't the
worst boy in my native village ON the
Rhine.
/ When asked what l intended to
make Of myself, l always answered
by looking at the nearest girl handy.
My father, who was physician OF
considerable fame, had q burning de-
sire to have me. his son Peter. be-
come q doctor of medicine and sur
! gerry. He sent me at the early age OF
seventeen to a celebrated medical col
lege, accompanied by his warmest
well-wishes and bundle of rules IN
regard to my behavior while away
from home. My arrival at the seat OF
learning caused some head-shaking
among the skull-capped professors and
considerable giggling among the stu
dents. To remove my bashfulness
was ordered to occupy dark corner
of the school-room-all to myself
where was told to study the anat-
omy Of a grinning monkey, and to tell
what l knew about the bones when
the teacher came around
But, alas! l was disturbed In my
anatomical studies by rafting noise
in the back yard Casting my eyes
from my subject into the back yard,
I espied a fair maiden pumping els
tern water with all her might. She
looked up and l again looked down.
until the fair pumper had filled the
bucket and pumped my heart clear
into the back yard.
forgot to peruse any more the
frightful skeleton. but my eyes con
stantly explored the contents Of thai
fatal back yard.
II The fair pumper, my first love. wal
seen by me no more. l pined and be
Ii came haggard-looking; my teachers
felt nv pulse and shipped me home
without delay.
II recovered from the fever in abou
two months, and went to circus.
became greatly interested in the wax
figures of Cain, who killed Abel, an
in the eleven good apostles.
I! But the curtain rose, when. 10 an
behold. there stood a lassie Twill
shining golden hair. I loved her witt
out the least prelminaries, an
: couldn't sleep for many nights on az
count of the charming circusgirl.
- Then / emigrated to this countr.
= where | have been entirely too goot
= and loved fair damsels by the score
z, Ha! didn't think that by carryin
+ my whole early apple crop to thos
3 three Sand Hill ladies the oldes
4 would reciprocate my ardent affection
4 But she snubbed me as soon as tn
{ early apples ceased coming.
< And that preachers daughter, whol
= first saw and loved at the Oak Hi
4 camp-meeting She came near spittin
I in my face.
+ The Dipperman girl held out sedu
2 tive Inducements until. when | poppe
3 the question, she crawled away wit
I my bleeding heart, telling me that ST
: couldn't leave her parents for such
y orlorn-looking wretch as ] was.
The Fulton county girl smiled ;
/ long as let her father have his o"
i way with my corn and hogs, but talkt
! bad to me as soon as / vetoed h
I thievish proceedings.
< I don't wish to mention the TO-
q school marms l once dearly but vain
= adored, nor will tell the particula
4 about my short marriage with an e
< war-widow, who cost me 81 for Il
z modifying and 500 for loosening
8 I am now nearly seventy years
age, lead frugal life. supply sever
destitute widows with fuel, and IL
2 a hermit life in this patch OF limb
B which some sarcastic local newsT
Z per writer christened Misery Gro'
because. as he fiendishly explaine
2 "Old Peter is a miser in misery"
q, will persist that I would be
30 happy as the majority II l were equ
ly mean. But the way 1t stands |
without a peer In this section, by RI
son of having loved too many CIR
and having practiced that other
z aetting ain. not having been go