The Washington herald., 1914-04-17
Statesmen, Real and Near.
By FRED c. KELLY.

Howard Acton, publicity man for the
National Geographical Society, Is one OF
the most persistent practical tokers In
| Washington. Usually. however, his are
comparatively harmless jokes and hurt
no one any more than himself. He Is
his own worst enemy, SO far as practical
jokes are concerned.
| One day Acton was compelled to go TO
a dentist and when he had finished having
a tooth fixed, he coaxed the dentist to
give him a small handful Of loose false
teeth that were lying Hospitality on a
nearby tea table.
What do you want them for?" asked
the dentist.
"Oh, don't know" admitted Acton, and
in truth he didn't know. He simply felt
that they might come in handy.
The next day as he was boarding a
street car. Acton happened to think Of
his false teeth. He took six or seven Of
them out of his vest pocket and placed
them in his mouth. When he could see
out OF the tail OF his eye that two pass
I engers across the aisle were looking at
him, he made a WY face. reached into his
mouth, tugged at something a moment
and then vexatiousIy threw a tooth on
the floor after which he went on I'M
concernedly reading his paper. Two
women gasped, so Acton knew his joke
was working. He waited a minute. then
made another face. as IL in great physi-
cal and mental distress. and jerked out
another tooth. When he had removed
fiye OF his teeth in that way, a woman
rang the bell and staggered of several
blocks ahead OF her stop. to avoid faint
ing clear away.
On another occasion Acton went to the
theater with a lovely young woman he
had just met. During the intermissiUn
following the second act. their converse
ton dragged a bit, and Acton, seeking
little quiet diversion, began to snatch
imaginary objects out of the air. As rap
idly as he caught one he put ii in his
pocket
The helpless young woman shifted I'M
easily in her seat, and asked:
"Wha-what are you DOING
Catching germs" explained Acton,
soothingly, they might have got on
some woman who wouldn't know how to
handle them, and given her a horrible
disease"
John T. McCutchecn. when in Washing
ton recently. was recalling Eugene
Fields love for just such harmless prac-
teal jokes.
"He would go TO more trouble and
pains to gain a quiet little joke says
NcCutoheOn. than any man ! ever knew.
When he was working on the old Chi
cago News. the managing editor OF that
paper was a man whose main hobby was
horses. He owned a good horse or two
and his thoughts in 50 far as pos
sible were about horses One morning
Field got up bright and early, hurried
down to the Office ahead Of the boss, and
devoted a couple Of hours to drawing
horses hOOf prints in chalk from the
curb in front Of the building, across the
sidewalk. and up the stairs clear TO the
managing EDITORS office.
Many OF his jokes were incidentally
schemes to get his salary raised. re-
member one time he got all the ragged
clothes he could find and dressed up in
them, and dressed his four or five chill
dren up in similar pOverty-strick"n fash
ion. Then he brought the youngsters
down TO the office and they all marched
into tho publishers Office as evidence Of
his need for more wages.
Another time he sent down TO Joliet
for a convict suit and he actually wore
the thing about for nearly a week. IL
looked 50 bizarre TO see a man gOin =
about the Office in convict stripes, that
the thing got considerably on the nerves
Of the publisher and he asked Fiol1
why he wore such garo.
To tell you the truth said Field,
in his solemn. serious way, II is all the
suit l can afford. On my m-aEer wages
cant save enough to buy clothes very
often
SO that. of course. meant one more
raise"
When Wallace Irwin. the writer. was
attending Leland Stanford University. h
hired out one summer VACATION as a
farm hand TO assist in ba.inE a vast
tonnage Of hay. Up 10 that time he had
been leading a rather sedCntary III" and
the manual labor Of feeding the hay
halar became extremely irksome. II
seemed like A futile sort Of task. too
because no matter how much hay n.
tossed TO the machine it acted ever
eager for more. Toward noon Of the
second day at the Job. Irwin. more dead
than alive. was trying 10 90 through the
motions Of pitching hay without actually
using u7 much strength. for he had 40
more strength. All physical and mental
ambition had been Slapped from him b.
tie ruthless hay-balinE machine Tn
boss came along and Irwin S@w him
staring at him. He realized that he Was
making a failure Of his Efforts 20 look
a. If he were working He ceased mas
hay tossing. brought his pitchfork to
his shoulder with a military movement.
stood at attention, saluted the boss, and
said:
Sir. I surrender"
Representative Connolly. II Kansas.
owns little weekly newspaper in Colby.
When ne come to Congress he leased the
paper for two years. but with the rrs"r-
walton that he should have one page
for his own use. on which he could say
anything that he pleased. II was wise
reservation. for today Connolly is the
only man in Congress who has a woman
opponent for his seat, and when a man
has n woman on his trail il is perhaps
only fair that he should have every