The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1914-12-15

"a las n0hu at iii taken DOt-
tie and half of the Hairine and had
to have his hair cut twice a month?
Why multiply instances?
We are not a 1y-by-night concern,
ladies and gentlemen" said the pro-
lessor with righteous indignation. II
shall be In your little city in exactly
one month from this day. If you are
not satisfied and do not beg me to
accept unsolicited testimonials to the
efficacy Of these preparations. you
shall have your money back with far
greater cheerfulness, ladies and gen.
tlemen. than take 1t from you on
this occasion"
Squire Thornton, who had long
groaned under the weight of his 263
pounds. laid In supply OF the Anti
Obese and took dose right there.
Skinny" Madden, who had to stand
twice to cast shadow. bought three
bottles OF the Anti-Lean. Miss Sim
son. who had been afflicted with an
unsightly growth of hair on her cheek
bought box or two Of the Superfo
Salve, warranted to remove hair
growths with four applications. Old
Daddy Smith. who hadn't seen a hair
for ten years on section of his
Uranium as big as a pancake, went
broke buying Hairine, warranted to
grow hair on anything short of
Hubbard squash.
Bill Johnson, who was troubled
with weak knees. got some pills
which the professor declared were
great muscle builders and would stiff
en- up a clothesline until you could
use pieces of 1t for drills
Jimmy Burrill. the blacksmith,
whose joints were stir with the rheu-
matism. laid In lot of salve that
the professor assured him was an IN
fallible joint-cathartic, relieving the
most obstinate case of stiff hinges.
The professor had remedy for
every disease, ailment, affliction or
annoyance that the inmates Of an
asylum for hypochondriacs could
imagine, and it was dead easy to sat
isfy Simson's Corners. He had come
Into their midst" as a welcome
guest. He left 1t as a benefactor and
he smiled benevolently as he drove
away next morning. assuring the pop
ulation, which had gathered to see
him leave, that he would call again in
a month and see how they were get
ting along.
i hope got the right labels back
no 10
ficked fly on the nigh horses right
ear.
But long before the month was up
the people Of Simson's Corners found
out that something was wrong. It
was not that the medicines OF the
professor we're without effect Per
contra, decidedly. He hadn't sold
them rainwater and belladonna for
the rheumatism or soft soap for stiff
joints. The salve wasn't cinnamon
bark and glycerine. neither was the
Hairine made of cucumber oil and
podophyllin.
The medicines we're powerful
enough. all right. all right. That
wasn't the trouble. The trouble was
that the wires had got crossed In
some way, and everybody seemed to
have drawn the wrong number in the
hygienio lottery. Stiff joints got
sitter and weak knees got weaker.
Eat men got fatter and thin women
got thinner. It was like going down
hill and they couldn't stop the
effects of the stun. They emptied the
bottles and boxes, but 1t kept on az
fecting them just the same They
had got the medical principle into
their systems; and the professor
would not be back that way for two
weeks yet What was to be donef
Then ray of light shone through
the darkness. Somebody saw an item
In a newspaper to the effect that the
professor would be at certain town
40 miles away on the 18th.
Bill Divine. who was about the only
we'll man In the place. volunteered to
jump on q train and lay the case be-
fore the professor.
The professor had an inkling OF
what was coming when Bill told him
he had come from Simson's Corners,
but he bluffed 1t out
And how are the good people at
the Corners?" he asked. Il sold out
my entire stock at that place. hope
the medicines had powerful and last
ing effect"
Yes. they had q powerful effect all
right" said Bill. "If the people just
last long enough"
Why, is the medicine doing more
than ! promised It would?" asked the
professor. Il like to see my guaran-
tees fulfilled"
We'll, the whole blamed town will
turn into circus II you don't head 1t
on" said Bill mournfully. IF the
people would just swap medicines. it
might do some good, but 1t 10 too
late for that Everybody's got stun
that is having the opposite effect from /
that desired. You know old Squire
Thornton, who was so fat that he had
to guess where his feet were? Well,
he's as thin as a razorback-nit. Why, !
professor, he weighs ton II he
weighs an ounce. Fatf Why that
fellow would get shot for hippo
potamus If he went In swimming. He
must have got some Of your Anti
Lean for he Is so fat that he can't
lean up against anything. He can't
get near enough to it."
The professor produced bottle Of
whose contents he was sure. :
You give him this" he said. land
If that doesn't do him any good. you
tell him to take a dose of Rough on
Rats. That will stop his growing all
right
We'll, you'd better do something
for Skinny while you're about II"
said Bill "You know he was SO thin