davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Irish standard., 1914-05-09

OVcC1UI TNCUIS1OllSs
I The railroads are offering special
excursion rates from various points
for the unwilling exercises, and in
many cases are running special
trains. The Baltimore and Ohio
Railroad has arranged special trip
to leave Boston. Thursday, May 14th.
at 6 pm. via Fall River Line to New
York, thence by rail to Washington,
returning the party will leave Wash
ington Sunday. May II. The rate
from Boston will be $3.50. which
includes the round trip transporta-
ton. berth in stateroom both direc-
The Irish standard., 1914-05-09

The Dead Folk live in decent rows:
Their houses are all neat;
But through their doorway no one
goes
The Washington herald., 1914-08-09
PILGRIM JOE

And not to he outdone in politeness hv
the bald-hCadod old rePrObate. 1 worked
Up 4 smile and replied:
And he who reacheth the human heart
through words of sympathy. Hitch Nv
the fallen
Yes. that's all right" SAYS ne. but
how about this game? Hev YOU an cash -
Il hrv." says l rs l pulled out va.
Then git down here. and we'll begin,
and II don't prove to YOU that lir-
rides on horseback and drinks champagne
VIII v.''-e goes on f00' AVID .~nEs far
dUrk-ponds, then my name amt what my
mother called me-
When W. had fued our hands. We put
On io"as "t humanity. and he sighed a
leetIe "s he said
He who seekoth truth andc.h only
stono at the end Of his journey"
Not 10 be outl ne in any pint. I bet 81
on my hand md observed:
The wi kcd flee when no man pursurs.
and there is no rest fur them
lie threw down his kecrGs. and Wa
had another 4 a. This time he Won his
money hack. For half an hour we toy.t
with each other and made ready f':r
battle. and then the climax came
saw him slyly manipulate three aces. al
thar was . smile on his face as he prct-i
up his kecrds Providence rad. however.
gwen me -FOUR queens, lltt lllElr
champion the cause Of integrity. and 7
was not afraid He saw me and raise !.
and | saw him and battered his fgCs-
and thar came minute when We had oU=
all on the board. Then he called. az
we showed our hands, and he was 4
sCoopcd man.
Vice may win a dollar here and thar"
SAYS / as l. scoops in the pot. "hu; /
takes integrity to pull a mans les a.:
seven feet long"
With that he sucked in his breath and
jumped fur me. and I was rolled over.
but as We mingled together I got him
by the neck. and four minutes later he
was a whipped man. and integrity was
agin the victor ! said to him:
Let thy weepins be integrity and truth.
but II they don't prevail then add draw
poker
And also:
BE humble and sympathetic and mer-
ciful. but at tn same time keep thy
muscles in good workin' order"
The Washington herald., 1914-08-09

vhas putting some cement patch on
a shoe for Is cents when dot little tailor
calls at my shop und looks all around
und says:
Hans, where vhas der crowd?'
Only two peoples comes in today I
says
Where vhas dere peesness:'
In der poorhouse."
Look here, my frendt," he says, IF
you took my advice you vhas all right.
Der trubles nit you what do you don't
understand der peoples in dis country.
Let me give you some pointers. Put on
Your Sunday clothes und go down by
der city hall"
How shall dat help my peesness?"
Dot vhas my pointer. You must go
und look at some pianos und iceboxes
und new furniture Und say to desc men
dot you vhas a cobbler. II dey shall
gif you some cobbling. you shall buy
your goods of dem. One hand shall wash
dot odder. If dey see some cobbled walk
ing around nit his good clothes on, dey
shall belief he vhas rich und keeps fife
Oop my tailor shop. When l don't hat
S in my pocket. people belief dot I vhas
booming"
Well dot looks all right to me und
my wife ind l put on my black suit
und take a walk. BY und by l comes
by piano store and goes in. Dot man
The Washington herald., 1914-08-09

Breakfast is ready"
calling from the kitchen door, with her
face TO the harm.
Half a minute later the farmer left
the harm and walked TO the house, and
as he stood on the steps he asked:
Is Caleb in there"
No"
Didn't I tell him last night before
he went TO bed to get up early this morn
ing and bag up five bags of oats for me
TO take TO town.,
I think you did"
Think? You know I did. and he
hasn't bagged up a single oat!"
I know I heard him get up early"
said the mother.
Then where is he?"
Isn't he at the barn."
No, sir, he isn't. Say, ma, it's no
use. That boy is a born bonehead. He's
lazy and careless and forgetful I'm 60
ing to give him a mighty big whaling,
and if that don't cure him I'll drive him
away
Don't be too hard on him. Jason"
IN just tan the hide ofrn him.
Caleb johnson was by no means a
bonehead. He was thirteen years old
at this time. He had attended dis
trict school every winter for the past
six years, and while he could not be
called a bright scholar his teachers re-
ported that he did fairly we'll He looked
stupid, and there were times when he
acted stupid, but in many things he sur
prised them. A Woodworking farmer
Judges his boy by his smartness with
the hoe, and not by his readiness to
name the great oceans. Caleb wasn't
lazy, but he didn't like farm work.
Breakfast was nearly finished when
the boy came sauntering in.
Didn't tell you to bag up them oats. &"
Yes, father"
Did you do it,"
mo. father
You will come to the barn with me
after breakfast. and 1 will give you the
licking of your Hfe!'
The Washington herald., 1914-08-09

My dear woman. what do you think Of
the Universal Combination Company,
capital, $4,000. OOO?''
"Oh. Lord, but he's got another
scheme" sighed the woman as she wrig-
gled around on her chair.
Another scheme and more millions to
/ come rolling in. Going to apply for q
patent tomorrow. What is It? Why, a
combination, as the word implies. In
other words, we have a portable article
which can almost be carried in the vest
pocket, but which becomes a bathtub, or
you turn IL into a hammock. Can be hung
up anywhere, and offers a dozen advan-
tages over the ordinary bed. Only twenty
seconds work to turn II from a ham,
mock into a wardrobe. You can make
IT into boat and go sailing. Five sec
onds turns IL into a fire escape, and one
motion Of the wrist converts II into a life
preserver. Can be hung on the closet
door and used as rag bag, or can be
placed down cellar and used as a rat
trap and an ash barrel Ny own inven-
ton"
But must have what you owe me-
she interrupted as she rose.
My own invention and I shall organ
iZe company with SO O00. 90 capital TO
hot cakes-b-o-u-n-d to do it. AS inven-
tor and patentee I sell out for a million
in cash. and my royalty will be 20 per
cent on everything turned out. Half u
yours Yes, my friend. although you lost
confidence in my financial integrity for
the moment, III make a millionairess OF
The Washington herald., 1914-08-09
A BONEHEAD OF A BOY

Won't you wait till we eaten the
thief" asked Caleb.
Thief? Thief? What thief"
The one that stole our chickens last
night
What in thunder do you mean"
Il mean that some one stole thirty of
our chickens last night. That's the rea-
ing him. We will drive to town and
nab him. You can lick me after I get
back
In the village, five miles away, was a
butcher named Sharpe. He also drove
around the country buying poultry of the
farmers and shipping to the city market
He had made a stop at Farmer John
sons the day previous and had bought
a number of fowls. The boy Caleu had
taken notice of something that a hun
dred boys would have overlooked. The
tire of one Of the hind wheels of the
mans wagon was loose. and to keep it
on. it had been fastened with wire in
| three places. This wheel, therefore, left
a singular track in the road.
While the fowls were being caught.
Caleb also noticed that the butcher
looked around him. as if to see how the
coop was fastened at night, and whether
it would be a hard or an easy task 10
enter.
He remembered about the oats he was
to bag, and was UP bright and early. On
his way to the barn he saw that the
coop had been broken into and robbed
There had been a light shower during
the night and on going TO the highway
he easily picked up the track of the
butchers wagon He found where it had
stood for a time, and he had followed t
for mile or more before turning back.
1t led straight to the village.
The farmer and his bone-headed son
were of as soon as possible, and on
reaching the village secured a warrant
and a constable to serve it. The
butcher was so taken by surprise that
he admitted his guilt, and he not only
admitted that theft. but many others.
When his trial came on he was con-
victed and sent to Jail for a year.
Caleb, the bone-head, never received
that promised licking. Instead of that
his father said to him:
You have more brains than ]
The Washington herald., 1914-08-09

you within the next ten months"
But what about my money"
Should have patented today he went
On as he looked over her head. but the
bank closed before my check was pre-
sented. This dollar I have in my hand
belongs 10 YOU. but I will use it tenn
porarily-simply temporarily 10 pay for
the patent II You can spare me another
to U.s. temPorarily-if you could work up
sufficient confidence in me to"
Never Maj. CrOfOot-neverr' she al
most shrieked as she held up her hands.
Then I must do the best I can with
the dollar. I think II will be sufficient
As soon as the patent Is issued we float
uvr stock. When $1,000. 90 has been sub
sCrIhed We organize, incorporate. and
nlre FIRE and burglar-proOf cellars n
which 10 store our profits. You were
frozen out Of the other schemes, but I'll
SEE that nothing Of the kind happens
IN this instance. My dear woman
Il won't listen I want my money"
My dear woman. I put you down IN
writing for 100 shares OF the Cniver-
sal combination Company. and as soon
as the .,1ck is issued
But she few out Of the room and
hanged the door. and from the other side
she called
Maj Crofoot. rou either pay tonight
or I'll call the police"
But he never heard her. He sat down
TO figure on another scheme
The Washington herald., 1914-08-09

Comp'ish his object II death overlook
him IN the doing OF it. He now got toe
hold on a limb and reached for the cat.
hut the feline spat at him and jumped
away. and as he started back the limb
broke. and there was a Fourth Of July
yell from the crowd below. Mr.. Bowser
descended Ike a load of brick. but. for
tumately. the stepladder was below TO
receive him He struck it in a heap and
twisted around until he lay across II on
his stomach. and he heard far-on voices
saying
somebody go TO the drugstore and
rims tor an ambulance"
Didn't the old coon know more than
to climb a tree: Who knows where he
lives
"Dere's a woman comm out. and mebbe
size owns him called a boy as Mrs.
Bowser apps AIRED.
She soon settled all doubts OF her
ownership. She asked assistance to low
er Mr.. BOwser from the stepladder ana
when he had been Strengthened out as
well as possible four men volunteered
10 carry him into the house. He knew
he was being carried, but he made no
resistance. He knew when they bumped
his back along the hall floor and left
him in a disorganized heap in the sit
ting-room. and he plainly caught a voice
NhlCn SAD.
Here he is ma'am. and though he
amt dead. he'll probably let cats alone
after this When a cat gets up a tree,
it's her business to get down again.
Lands alive. but he must he a queer
man to pay any attention to cats"
Little by little Mr. Bowser recovered
from the shock. He opened his eyes and
saw the family cat and Mrs. Bowser
watching and waiting He sat up ana
decided on what he would do. and as
he Crawled over to the lounge and sat
down on it he bOarsely whispered:
Woman. do you think I'll ever forgive
you if l live to be a thousand years old.
Think OF me, Mrs. Bowser. Think OF
the ridicule and contempt"
The cat came down while they were
bringing you in" she quietly replied.
DO you mean-mean-''
Il mean that the cat came down. She
could have come any time. II YOU
haven't any papers to look over in the
library and don't want to see your law
yer about a divorce. you'd better go to
bed"
And Mr.. Bowser went
The Washington herald., 1914-08-09

thought you had. There's heaps Of
stealing going on around here. Keep
your eyes open and see il you can
catch on to anything else"
Two or three days later, as the par
ent and son were hoelng corn near the
roadside fence, a neighbor came along
on horseback and stopped TO chat for a
few minutes. That night he horse was
stolen, and soon after daylight the
neighbor was over to Farmer Harrison's
| to tell OF his loss
IF I could tell which way the fellow
went there might be a show to stop
him." the loser said. You know I live
on the corner of Iour roads, and he might
have taken any one of them"
What time do You think he got the
horse?" asked Caleb.
Not until about o'clock this morn
ing"
Then I'll go home with you and tell
you which way he went"
And he did. The day before. while the
neighbor sat his horse talking, Cale0
noticed that one of the animals shoes
was broken. This sort of accident fire.
Quently happens, and unless there IS d
click it may not be noticed for some
time Caleb scanned the dust Of the
four roads, and on one of them he picked
up the plain imprint OF the broken shoe.
The loser went to the telephone ami
gave warning for miles ahead, ard be-
fore noon the thief was arrested and the
horse recovered. No reward rad been
offered. but the owner of the animal
very gladly handed Caleb the sum of SIS.
by George, but I wronged that boy
when called him a bone-head!" said
the lads father to his mother; and he
had no more harsh words nor threats for
him.
There were wheat thieves about 4
wagon would be driven up to a farmers
barn at night, and two men or more
would bag up from ten to thirty bushels
CT wheat or oats and drive away. Con-
stables had watched barn after barn, but
The Washington herald., 1914-08-09

thieves are impudent enough to steal
them as well as the grain"
They have never stolen from US"
But l go to bed every night fearing
they will come. We have no dog now
you know. to give an alarm
Caleb went to the barn and counted the
taGs There were ten of them. and all
new and unmarked. Even If thieves
brought bags they would use these in
preference With his knife the boy mad
small slit in each bag. and when he got
through there was grin on his face
You have split every burned bag"
said his father as he was told what lad
been done.
We will have mother sew up the sits
II we want to use them before the thieves
come was the reply. IF they come
first have set trap for them"
But I don't see how"
He didn't see then, but he did a morn
ing or two later. Caleb came in from an
early morning inspection OF the barn
and announced:
Father. get up-my trap has worked"
Did the thieves come last night"
They did and they filled and took
away every bag. Come on-they have
left a trail for u.s.
The motion of the wagon as it left
the barn had Jared the wheat through
the Sits, and enough OF II had found
its way through the wagon box to leave
a trail that could be followed. 1t was
followed and gang of five thieves sent
to prison.
Before he was sixteen years old the
bone-head Caleb was doing better detec-
tive work than any sheriff the county
ever had. At the age OF twenty-one he
was elected to that office and held It
twelve years. and then became a noted
detective in Chicago.
When asked about him the father used
to reply:
Caleb a bonehead? You are mistaken.
sir. Caleb is all right. while l don't
know enough to chaw putty!'
The Washington herald., 1914-08-09

bows and shmiles und rules his hands,
Und he vhas der sheapest piano house in
der world. He shows me ten pianos
Und I says to him:
4 like to ask my wife first. Maybe We
shall take eight pianos and mebbe only
seven, but if you want some patches on
your shoes or lifts on your heels. you
come by my shop. My price vhas low
Und my work good, und 1 talk some poll
tics while you wait"
I don't like some cohbler shops" sayi
dot man as he looks mad. If you
don't vhant some pianos Why you come
in here ind take oop my time? Maybe
you vhas looking for a mouthorgan al
fife cents?"
I vhas peesness.'' I says. Il like tc
do some. peesness nit some peesnes!
men. If you come by me for cobbling l
come by you for pianos
He says my friends better put me in
some crazy house before I do damage
Und when I goes oudt der door he won't
shpeak nor ask me to call again.
Vhas discouraged, but I goes down der
street TO a hardware store ind looks al
some refrigerators.
The Washington herald., 1914-08-09

As I soiourned in the town Of Weepin'
Willer. and took the tintypos Of man,
women and children At 10 cents a take.
the Mayor there asked me to remark a
few things fur the benefit II morality. |
am but a humble pilgrim. with no desire
to put myself forward. but l stood or
the steps of the Court House and feelin'l y
observed:
He who would conker the world must
first lick his wife.
And also.
He who waits to find a white crow
fur luck will be brought TO grief by the
sight Of black cat"
When l had finished my remarks. a
man OF scrambled appearance approached
me and shook my hand and said.
Stranger. may I take it that thou art
a pilgrim travelin' from ATARI
You kin. says T.
And that your object is to make the
world better. while a. the same time
you are doin' a leetle bizness on the
outside"
That's me"
WAL I don't believe in it. Bein' full
OF virtue. integrity and truth don't paw
cents of the dollar Its wickedness
that makes big dividends and helps a
Teller to hev good times. and kin prove
it. The game of poker is sinful. amt
it?
Alas, 1t is, though it enticeth,"
If you'll come over to my cabin ana
have a few games with me, I'll knock
your integrity bizness into a cooked
hat"
was in the town OF Weepin' Willer
as a shinin' example of morality. but
yet this thought occurred TO me:
Integrity should never miss a chanCa
to deal blow at vice
And also:
The first step towards reformin' a
feller-man is to bankrupt him"
Hevin' thought these thoughts. l made
up my mind that / was the instrument
chosen to put the old man on his back
and after feedin' my boss and lookin' 10
see If my bottled grasshopper was safe,
fined him in his cabin. He had tae
keerds before him and 800 at his right
hand, and thar was a look OF triumph
on his face. And yit. that he might not
give me a too sudden shock, he puts on
a balmy look and says:
He who kin shed tears with his Teller
man kin make the world better"
The Washington herald., 1914-08-09

come down. as 1t is as easy for a cat TO
descend as to go up. but the feline re-
NAMED fast to the limb Mr. BowseT
went TO the kitchen after stepladder.
As he brought il out and placed ii AGAINST
the tree two men came along and halted.
He had climbed halfway up the ladder
when three more came along. Then came
two boys. and he offered one OF them a
nickle to go up and bring the cat down.
Tn no cheap kid was the reply. If
| go up after dat cat she'll bite me. and
cat bites mean SIX months in de hos
pital It's Gty-cents or ! don't go
What's the use. anyhow queried the
eighth person who came along. IF a
cat is fool enough 10 climb a tree. let
her he fool enough to come down again. "
Men" said Mr. Bowser as he looked
around him. have You no hearts?
Would you deliberately permit the help
less 10 suffer-"
But if she is suffering. why don't she
come down" protested three or four
voices in chorus.
Because she's lost her nerve.
wouldn't have believed that such cruelty
existed in the twentieth century"
And Mr. Bowser got to the top of the
step-ladder and hung TO the tree and
coaxed again. The cat was ten feet he
yond him and refused TO stir. He in
creased his offer to the boy to ten-Cents,
hut it was refused. He must either climb
the tree or back down. and the reader
knows that Mr.. Bowscr Is a man who
never gives up unless knocked uncon-
scinus.
Say. you can't climb that tree shout
ed one OF the crowd below IS he wit
messed the preparations.
But I shall"
Bet you ten to ono you come down
kerfiunk, You are too fat and logy.
Better cut the tree down"
People had been coming along and halt
ed. and the crowd now numbered a score.
OF the fifteen different remarks addressed
10 AR. Bowser as his feet left the step
ladder not one was replied to. RE was
too busy. His first move ripped his coat
under each arm and barked his knees,
anC the crowd yelled and applauded.
There was a mOmentary hesitation, and
then he went ahead and tore piece Of
CIOtT out of one leg If his trousers and
ripped two buttons OF his vest The ap-
7lnuse that followed was enthusiastic and
sincere. and one of the crowd followed
ii with:
The Washington herald., 1914-08-09

At the ONCE during the afternoon a
caller on business had mentioned that
Mr.. Bowser was looking ten years older
| than last month.
Another caller had doubted his integ-
rity
He had been dunned for his club dues,
| A life insurance agent had told him
he was too fat and too bald to take a
risk on.
He had his corns stepped on when he
took the car.
He had to sit beside a drunken man
| for a mile.
OF course, Mrs Bowser was to blame
| for all this. and he reached home de-
termined that she should pay the PEN
atty.
| She seemed to be on her guard how
ever, and he got no opening until din
ner was over and he had sat down TO
smoke and read. Then game the sus-
tained mewing of a cat, and after bit
he fung his paper away and asked Mrs.
| Bowser-
DO you know whether our cat is in
the house or caught in a trap in the
Backyard
II saw him in the dining room a few
| minutes ago, was the reply 1 ne cat
you hear mewing is a strange one and
is up a shade tree in front Of the
| house.
But you never told me when / came
| home that there was a cat up a tree"
Why should I? What have you got
to do with a cat up a tree?''
How long has that cat been up the
| tree he demanded as he flushed up.
Since about o'clock
How came she TO go up the tree?'
"A dog was chasing her"
And you-you have never moved hand
or foot to rescue that poor creature from
| her perilous position he Numbered as
he struck the wall a blow with his
| fist
I'm not climbing trees to rescue stray
cats" answered Mrs. Bowser.
That's you-thats you TO a dot. Right
| in front of our own house a poor creature
has been suffering for hours. and you
have been too stony-hearted and indIf-
ferent to even inform me of the TACT.
Its monstrous, Mrs. Bowser. perfectly
monstrOus."
Have l hindered the cat from coming
down the tree" she protested. DO you
expect that every time l see a dog With
tin can tied TO his tail run past the
house l am going 10 follow him
But you haven't grain OF mercy in
your soul" he went on. 1t is your ut
ter indifference, your callous-heartedness
! that / complain OF. All! there is our cat
Suppose she were up a tree over on
Beach street and suffering untold agonies
The Washington herald., 1914-08-09

of mind? What would you say n A
woman who would listen 10 her pIaiutive
calls for mercy without stirring a finger?
I'D say it was our cats business to
keep out of trees"
The Bowser cat had walked in from
the kitchen to take a look at things, and
something like a grin spread over her
face as she realized that there was a row
on.
Heaven help the human being with
such a heart as you have" groaned Mr.
Bowser, as he started down the hall
That cat is coming down from the tree
If l have to get out the whole fire de-
partment. In some home nearby there
The Washington herald., 1914-08-09

without luck. It was some other barn
that would be robbed that night. The
only Clew that would be left would be the
tracks of horses and wagons.
Can you make anything Of it?" asked
Caleb's father of him as they talked it
over one evening.
DO the thieves bring their own bags to
use?' queried the boy in reply.
Never. Every farmer has at least a
dozen grain bags in his granery. and the
The Washington herald., 1914-08-09
BOWSER WANTED A ROW
And a Cat Furnished Him Good Excuse

We'll. II any one had told me that that
old dufTer was such a monkey to limb,
wouldn't have believed it,
BY the time the crowd had numbered
fftv. Mr.. BOwser was almost within
reach of the cat. His eyes were CLASSY
and his jaw set. He knew that Mrs.
Bcwser was watching him from mont
window and that he had no other sym
patiizer in the crowd. but he would &c