Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1914-12-06
EPISTLES EXTRAORDINARY
BY MORRIS WADE


land. l have fine mar that have SPAWN. She
has had it for foure years. | have tride every
thing for it l could here OF. l have examin a
good many FerrerS some say it is lncuabe some
give remydis but all in vane. After consider
ing the matter have determin to address you on
the subjeck to see If thar be any rimidy in rech
of the poore farmer in the United States
Plese put this to the House to see if that is any
rimdy not or any information wich will be
thankfully received on the subject.
Droll enough was the brief note received
from woman depositor by bank in Len
yer:
GENTLEMEN.-Please stop payment on the
check l wrote out to-day. as l accidentally
burned it up.
Some years ago German farmer visited
an orphan asylum in New York State and
took from it on probation boy with the ex-
pectation of keeping him until he attained
his majority if he proved satisfactory. That
he was somewhat disappointing was evil
dcnced by the following letter received by
the superintendent of the asylum two months
later:
To THEM WHAT KEEPS THE ORpHIN AsILUM.
Madame.-The boy what got off orpin asilum
what was good boy tarin' him on two munts
tryal, being poor man since your indensure for
- keep him, but when got my money paid he
turned hisself, and became rite bad bein indie
pendent and disobligin and lys and was hooken
and thevin in sellar and pantry and buttery
and film hisself wher. + amt no time to eat, an
plenty good on my table and gets sick and
needs fissekin witch cost money and me a
poor man, and when he took with itch set
all my family to scratchin' witch amt wise
pleasant and we amt used to it and so | want
you should send for him and money to pay ex-
penshes which if you don't rite soon send him
by sailin vessel of friend of mine and you have
to pay him or l get the law on you and my
money back, so am youres affecshenuentley.
an you better make hast or you be sure get
the law you spake bad of your asilum.
One will find a real flow of language" in
the following note sent to public school
teacher by the mother of one of her pupils:
DEAR Miss BLANK trust that you will
pardon Alcione's wholly unavoidable absence
yesterday. Circumstances not always con-
trollable by our finite minds as you are no
doubt aware. We are all subject to irnmutable
laws and are constantly doing that which
would not-alas! Therefore Alcione's unavoid-
able absence.
A physician once sent to the address of one
of his patients bill for personal services,
and within ten days the bill came back to
him with this written on the reverse side:
DEER SUR this noat was put in my box by
mistake. | hant the man hees ded and amt
any relation of mine. 1 don't see how your
COnchcnS Will let you dun the ded. Why don't
you try to live better cristun life and try to
meat that who dide in heaven which is
worth more than forty dollars to any doctor.
A native postman on the gold coast of
Africa went in bathing, with some rather
unexpected results, which he set forth in a
letter sent to his postmaster:
DEAR MASTER. have the pleasure to regret
to inform you that when l go bath this morn
ing billow he remove my trouser. Dear mas
ter. how can go on duty with only one trouser?
If he get lost, where am 1? Kind write Assra
that they send one trouser so | catch him and
go duty. Good day, Sir, my lord, how are
you! Your loving corporal, ]. ADDIE.
One of the employees on a sugar estate in
the West Indies sent his master the follow
ing note announcing his intention of becom-
ing benedict:
VENERABLE MAssA AND VENEERED MIss1s.
| specs soon to get spliced. as the creature in
tend to make the future Mrs. Brown is begin
ming to get very good intentions.
Railroad officials receive many amusing
letters; but few more amusing than the one
sent to the passenger department of a West
ern road by man whose guilty conscience
was responsible for the following epistle:
MEEsTAIRE SMUT. Eet ees wit sorrow APP
proach before you. l stole one ride an Get has
bodcred rre ike haa11 7 oot RELIGION now and