The Bamberg herald. [volume] (Bamberg, S.C.) 1891-1972, 1914-04-16
ALL ABOUT THE BIG DITCH.
Woman Didn't Require Information
on the Panama Canal.

Let me call your attention,
madam said the stranger, Ito the
first authentic work describing the
Panama Canal, which is the greatest
achievement of modern times. Every
patriotic American will want to know
all about the canal when it's open
ed for business, and this book gives
every fact 1t is Strongly endorsed
by the vice president of the United
States"
And l suppose it's compounded
of barks and buds and healing
herbs,' said Mrs. Curfew, with
blighting sarcasm. Il don't want
your book, mister, and l don't want
to stand here with the door open
and a cold wind blowing over me.
It's that way people catch colds
which develop into bronchitis and
pneumonia, and the first thing they
know ahey are out in the church
yard, with big white headstones over
them, giving the dates of their birth
and death, and concluding with a
foolish epitaph.
mo, sir, l don't want your book,
even if it does contain the most
wholesome ingredients. If there's
one thing in this world that I'm not
interested in it's the Panama Canal.
| have no shipping that will be bene-
fitted by it, and 1 don't expect to
trade with the South Americans. l
have a hen setting on 16 eggs in the
woodshed, and that hen means far
more to me than the Panama Canal.
| If you had a book telling how to
prevent a setting hen from leaving
her nest until the eggs get cold [
might buy a copy, but I don't want
you to mention the Panama Canal
or the vice president in my presence
again.
IF you look around you will see
where the plaster has been knocked
from the wall and you will notice
that the hanging lamp has been
broken from it's hook in the ceiling,
and several panes of glass are broken
in the windows. No doubt you won
der what sort of a cataclysm has been
loose here, and my answer is, the
Panama Canal.
my husband is an excellent man,
or l wouldn't be living with him, as
1 have been for more than 80 years,
| but he has his weaknesses like all
other men. He's always taking too
much interest in public questions. l
hold that poor people should have
nothing to do with public questions.
The best thing they can do IS to
saw wood. Mr.. Curfew's always get
ting into trouble because of this.
The other day he came home with
black eye and while l was prepar-
ing a poultice for it he explained
that he got into an argument with
Mr. Doodle about the income tax. He
said that the government was moth
ing but a highway robber when 1t
collected such tax. MIR. Doodle,
who has held Office most of his life,
said he wouldn't stand supinely by
and hear the government abused and
he hauled off and punched Mr.. Cur
few in the eye and then went and
had himself interviewed by the local
paper on the subject of our bulwarks
and palladiums.
IF Mr.. Curfew lives thousand
years the income tax isn't going to
take any bark off his shins, for the
most he ever made was 50 day, and
| it seems the height of folly for him
to go around collecting black eyes
when he should be home gathering
I'D the rubbish in the back yard and
getting ready for the spring garden
ing.
The other evening Mr.. Turpen-
tine and Mr.. Bludgeon came over to
spend the evening, and they hadn't
been here five minutes before they
were arguing about the Panama
Canal, and you could have heard
their voices in the next town, which
is seven miles due south of here. Mr..
Curfew insisted that the canal is
nothing but a national extravaganza
and that when it's opened for busi-
ness it will be run by lot of cheap
politicians, at about ten times the
necessary expenses, and as he argued
he shook his fist under Mr.. Turpen-
tines nose and accidentally hit that
organ, and Mr.. Turpentine broke
chair over his head, and then Mr..
Bludgeon took a hand, and you see
the results.
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