Evening public ledger. [volume] (Philadelphia [Pa.]) 1914-1942, 1914-12-31
HOW I WOULD ABOLISH WAR
No More Money, No More War-"If Were
Rothschild."
By SHOLoM ALEICHEM
Sketch by the Yiddish Mark TWAIN Translated for the
Evening Ledger.

Evening LedBer'
TT l were Rothschild, oh, if 1 were only
i Rothschild guess what l would do? To
begin with, I'd see to 1t that my wife is
always provided with an extra threepence
so that she won't bother me every Thursday
about the last Saturday provisions. Then
would redeem my Sabbath Kapota, or rather
my wife's fur coat, that she may stop
picking at my brain about the cold would
next buy the house live in, the three rooms,
the cellar, attic and all-she is always COM
planning of lack of space, you know. I'd say
to her: Here are three rooms for your
cooking, washing, baking and leave me alone,
so that can go on with my teaching undis-
turbed."
I'd marry off all my daughters. What
relief! All my wants attended to, I'd look
after the towns needs. 1 would order new
roof for the synagogue; the old one is full
of holes and is always dripping. I'd have
the bathhouse rebuilt entirely. One of these
days it is bound to collapse and cause ter
rible calamity, The hospital is certainly not
in better shape so 1t, too, will have to be re-
constructed. 1 would put up real hospital
with cots, and doctors and medicines and
soup daily for all patients, as they have it
in real cities. 1 would build a home for the
old and organize societies to "clad the naked"
to marry off all old maids and to bury the
dead.
If 1 were Rothschild I'd put stop to war.
I would abolish it completely.
Would you like to know how?
BY means of money. For instance, Eng
land got at the Beers. Why? Wherefore?
Because it wanted the gold mines. They
also say that the Germans French and the
others are brandshing their swords in the
face of the Chinaman, they want him to cut
off his pigtail, and dress himself in pants
What business is it of theirs II he prefers
the queue and the smock? Let him walk
head downward if 1t so pleases him. Here
is the Turk in his red fez: why do they
always talk of cutting him up and dividing
him?
And each of them wants the best share
One says, you take Stamboul and give me
the Bosporus." Says the other, mo, I'll
let you have Stamboul and take the Bos-
porus for myself" The third comes along
and says; "I don't give a darn for either
stamboul or Bosporus, want the Darda-
nelles!" Immediately general outcry is
heard-What? the Dardanelles? The OAR
danelles is public property It must belong
to all, Thus the wrangling goes on, until
the Germans begin to war, and human
blood is shed like water, and streams like
rivers into the sea. Here are Dardanelles
for you
But shall come along and say; pray.
brothers. listen to me. What is 1t all about?
/ know what you are all after. So here
you are: a trillion for YOU trillion for you;
two trillions for you. With Gods help you
will repay something in the future" You
get the idea? 1t is business stroke, and It
is great moral act. I stopped slaughtering
one another like steed and swine war is
stopped. There is no more need OF arms,
armies and the whole OUTFIT And the hate
and jealousy OF nations viii all vansh-no
more dislike of Turks, English, French Gyp-
sizes. Jews-the whole world will assume
different face just as the prophet foretold
And perhaps ia go still further on, II
were Rothsehid. Maybe. I'd abolish money
altogether. No more money! What do We
need money for? 1t is a certificate ana an
illusion. sin that tempts all.
II there were no money the temptation
would not exist Do you understand me?
But you say to me; How would one
manage TO buy food. thenq'' The answer Is:
Look at me; / manage Il noW!''