The Birmingham age-herald., 1914-11-01
AMUSING STORIES
 OF TOMMY ATKINS German Bomb Aimed at English Killed Only Mouse AN ARTILLERY STORY Men of Battery Sought Shelter in Hayrick, But German Shells KnCck- ~. ed It Over-Now That Battery
 Is Known as "The Rats"
AN ARTILLERY STORY
By CHARLES TOWER


 Paris, October 3l.-(Special.) )-"Bloomin' ard luck"
 Private Thomas Atkins sitting in the Southside Cafe de la Paix was relieving himself of impressions to a small but ad- rniring circle aided by a volunteer inter preter. listened.
 There was we in this field, and over cad German aeroplane, When you see an aeroplane you calculate the velc city of the wind and ole lot of other things and walk in the opposite direction. Un- less you're very windy (windy' is the 1911 term for an attack of goosefiesh), then you run. Well, e dropped is bomb just where we 'ad been. It was a little bomb an e vas about 5000 feet up so we was told but It made big splash. Hole you could stand in up to your waist. Hurt, no 1t 3idnt hurt nothing. except poor little rouse. ."
 "oh, and what did you say? This from fair listener).
 Me. Oh (Thomas spit gently through convenient gap in his teetlD I said eloomin ard luck on the mousse
 An Artillery Story
 The artillery have a story which is worth recording. There was battery in field about 200 yards square. and there were also two hayricl1s The enemy's artillery plugged shell and shrapnel and lhelr special shell-shrapnel (presunlably the Ehrhardt patenD into the field to the considerable disgust of our battery. The eunners received orders to take cover and they made bee line for hayricls No. h1Ir axtyir, Into ft get. shell presently landed close to the hayrick, and canted it over, at the same lime setting 1t on fire. The gunners promptly appeared on the other side and souirmed across on their hands and knees tc the other hayrick, where they again burrowed into safety.
 From somewhere under cover the ma heuver was observed by friends and a roar of laughter greeted the gunners as they burrowed through the second hay rick, emerging safely one by one and bolt Ing for cover
 ''BloomIn" lot O ratsN said Privass- Thomas Atkins and that battery wy, ha known as '1'he Rats henceforth %rd for evermore Not a man nor a guE was bit tut there were 300 pits dug byysba,II,-a tr, tbat field and neighborhood,
 Shell fire on soft groun1 ts oo,o.i. os digging nice Paardeberg<nits yyharai, ,o can hide six men. O1 Inc doc,r,,i oc or probabilities, ThomaE rather likes to get into newly made< nit Rut he win ooN cesionally take 2He precaution of snittine Into 1t first Xust to help the luck, you
 as Vs an innkeeper somewhere be 7 -'~ampiegne who will relate to the md of his days an incident of the re- 'irement of the British force whereof most of the details are verinable. In he course of the retireemnt a certain private arrived at the inn very thirsty. The landlord offered him some beer.
 "Beeri' said Thomas who had not melt beer for three weeks. that will To me all right"
 Routed Four Uhlans
 Now 1t Is one of the properties of alcohol to act with extreme rapidity spon man in hard training who has perforce abjured it for a long time ignorant of this law. Private T took a ong swig, and then one or two more. ,nd presently being rather weary fell is'"en on a bench. Meanwhile the cart which was carrying his rife, kit and rpediments generally passed on along he road and there followed into the ffllage sometime later four Ulans. They iismounted, tied up their horses, and were about to enter the inn when Thomas awoke, still slightly intoxi- .ated and apparently defenceless.
 He looked out of the door for the art containing his rifle and saw the Jhlans In his normal state he would have hidden, but being still under the senial influence of the beer, he pulled put big clasp knife. uttered a de- noniac yell. and hurled himself unex- -cctedly upon the first German to reach he door
 He got the knife nicely Into the Gblsn's neck and the German crashed o the ground.
 The others, presumably imagining he village to be full of English, dashed 10 their horses and galloped off The Englishman returned to his victim and proceeded to pummel him mercilessly with b's fists.
 little later the mayor arrived and imagining in the growing dusk that these were two Englishmen who had been fighting, he shut up the Uhlan in room with a key and indignantly oade the Englishmen to hurry off after his companions Nothing ioath. Private Atkins adopted the Uhlan's horse and 5isnnneared down the road.
 Now comes the sequel as related By he innkeeper Next day the Uhlans re- turned in force to seek their injured companion. They told the mayor the man must be immediately given up, or lire vengenance would be taken.
 "But we haven't got anybody" said the mayor. We've only got a quarrel tome Englishman who got a knife wound from one of his comrades"
 Produce him." said the German of hcer.
 The mayor led them to the impro- vised lock up and there they fol d their companion nicely bandaged and hnn of hav