The Washington herald., 1914-02-22

"All right, men," said the Countess of
Cornbeef, removing the lid "I'll stay; but keep
that husband of yours with the WOODY lingo out
of the kitchen, because I'm nervous woman
am thatp And then the Duchess of Deyilled
Kidneys got strangle hold on her green UNI
brella and ducked for the grub foundry.
Aunt Martha sighed and went in the house.
Hep" said "this scene with Her Higha
ness of Clamchowder ought to be an awful
warning to you. No should get married
these days unless he's sure his wife can juggle
the frying pan and take fall out of an egg
beaten. They've had eight cooks in eight days,
and every time new face comes in the kitchen
the coal scuttle screams with fright.
you can see where they've worn new
trail across the lawn on the retreat to the depot
Its an awful thing, HepI Our palates are
weak from sampling different styles of mashed
potatoes.
I'VE had one last week who answered roll
call when you yelled Phyllis.
Isn't that peach of handle for a
kitchen queen with a map like the Borough of
the Bronx on dark night?
''She came here well recommended-by her
self. She said she knew how to cook backward.
1--WE believed her after the first meal, be-
cause that's how she cooked it.
Phyllis was a very inventive girl. She
could cook anything on earth or in the waters
underneath the earth, and she proved it by try
ing to mix tenpenny nails with the baked beans.
When Phyllis found there was no shredded
oats in the house for breakfast she changed the
cover of the washtub into sawdust and sprinkled
it with the whisk broom, chopped fine.
Itwasn't half bad breakfast food OF the
homemade kind, but every time took drink
of water the sawdust used to float up in my
throat and tickle me.
The first and only day she was with us
Phyllis squandered two dollars worth of eggs
trying to make lemon meringue potpie.
She tried to be artistic with this, but one
OF the eggs was old and nervous and it slipped
Uncle Peter asked Phyllis if she could
screamed, No; my parents have been Swedes
all their livesv Then she ran him across the
lawn with the carving knife.
Aunt Martha went in the kitchen to ask
what was for dinner, and Phyllis got back at
her, I'm woman, it is true, but l will show
you that l can keep secretP
When the meal came on the table we were
compelled to keep the secret with her.
1T looked like Irish stew, tasted like clam
chowder, and behaved like bad boy.
"On the second day it suddenly occurred to
Phyllis that she was working, so she handed in
her resignation, handed Hank, the gardener,
jolt in his cafe department, handed out a lot of
unnecessary talk, and left us fiat
The next rebate we had in the kitchen was
grast.
James was all there is and carry four He
was one of the most careful cooks that ever
made faces at the roast beef
The evening he arrived we intended to have
shad roe for dinner, and James informed us that
that where he lived
Eight O'Clock came and no dinner Then
Aunt Martha went in the kitchen to convince
him that we were human beings with appetitcs
"She found Careful James counting the roe
to see if the fish dealer had sent the right MINI
ber
He was up to 2196, 1913 and still had half
pound to 60.
James left that night, followed by shouts
OF approval from all present.
I'm telling you all this, Hep, just to prove
that fate is kind while it delays your wedding
until some genius invents an automatic cook
made of aluminium and electricity
Hep laughed and shook his head
The servant problem won't delay my wed
ding he clbrtled; IF there wasn't cook left
in the world we wouldn't care; we're going to
be vegetarians because we're going to live in the
Garden of Eden"
"Tusl!' / snickered
flush, yourselfr' said Hep
oh tush, both of you" said Peaches.
John said that very thing to. me three weeks
before we were married"
I 6,.I-