South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1914-03-09
STATESMEN
REAL AND NEAR
BY FRED c. KELLY.

WASHINGTON. March 9.-Post-
master General Burleson il rarely
seen without an umbrella clutched in
his hand. The same may be said of
co. George w. Cocktails the Panama
canal chief, whenever he is in this
part of the country: but the most per
Sistent umbrella carrier is BurlesOn.
1t takes a clOudless sky and an Opti-
mistic weather forecast 10 wheedle
BurleSOn out into the open without
his trusty umbrella right with him.
The other day, as he was walking
down street. Burleson met Lindley
NJ. Garrison. secretary of war Garri-
son playfully started to pass him by
without even a nod and Burleson act
ed shocked.
"Have I ever said anything against
the war department? asked Burle-
son.
ITO tell you the truth" chuckled
Garrison. L did not recognize you
without your umbrella"
Uncle Jerry Donovan. member Of
congress from Connecticut. looks like
a Thereafter. but has a sense OF humOr
The other day a newspaper man
caught him on his office phone. but
mistoOk his voice for that of his sec
rotary.
Has Donovan got any news?'' ask
ed the correspondent.
"Of course not" replied Donovan;
that old guy never has any news. He
scarcely knows he's alive
Huh. You're a nice. candid sort
Of a secretary. anyhow, observed the
newspaper man.
''Why not?" asked Donovan.
What's the use OF trying TO make a
4
know what month il is. Go and
strike a live one"
Rep. William Schley Howard of
Georgia sprung a little smile the
other day to express his idea OF the
difficulties of certain undertaking.
That" says he. would be just like
climbing up a creased pole backward,
carrying an armful of cells"
The full name of Rep. "Hampy"
Moore of Pennsylvania is parted
modishly over on the left side, thus:
J. Hampton Moore.
What's the ]. fOr?" asked friend
the other day
It's for sort of prologue" replied
"Hampy" right off the reel. and look
ing the inquirer boldly in the eye.
Rep. Joseph A. Goulden of New
York is believed 10 be the only man
in public life who was present when
Abraham Lincoln, delivered his fam
Gus Gettysburg Grafton. He was born
only six miles from the battlefield and
walked over to get his first look at
Lincoln. He had elbowed his way up
close to the stand and was within a
rod or two of Lincoln when he spoke.
When l got back home after the
exercises. my mother asked me what
I thought of the presidents speech, ="
says Goulden. Il was Z and there
fore a little blase. But j admitted
that il was a pretty fair speech. l
told her as much of it as l could re-
member and she said
That's a speech that will live
And / guess she was right.
Senator Tillman starts out each day
by kicking himself. He kicks himself
before he even gets out of bed.
He does not do this, however, be-
cause he harbors any feeling of dis
gust or Impotence toward himself.
kicking himself is No. ] of list
of rules he follows out jaily. He be-
lieves these rules are largely respon-
sible for his partial restoration to
health. and nothing could induce Till
man 10 begin a day without first kick
ing himself viciously Is times with
each foot.
lie always has on hand typewrit-
ten lists of these exercises and rules
OF diet, and nails them or hands them
out whenever he thinks they will be
helpful.
In at least one respect the Tillman
rules TO health are vastly superior to
almost any other we ever saw. For
example, No. begins: Take cold
bath and rub down briskly, unless
you do not like cold water or have
not the facilities TO do it.
You can see for yourself that there
Is some sense to a rule like that. That
clause unless you do not like cold
water" gives one a reasonable amount
of leeway and saves him from joining
the great army of cold bath liars.
Rep. Edmund Platt of New York
is a Macauley 10 Poughkeepsie. That
is. he is the author of a history o.
Poughkeepsie, \. Y.
w. J.. alias "Fingy." Connors, an
outspoken citizen of Buffalo, n. Y,
stood in the Office of the secretary Oh
the navy the other morning waiting
for a congressman TO introduce MIN
10 Secretary Daniels.
He got TO looking at an immense
globe that has been in the office FOR
many years. showing all the countries
of the great big world in which we
live.
Connors noticed that Alaska was
labeled Russian America" indicating
that the globe had been made before
Alaska was sold TO the United States
a long. long time ago.
See here" burst out COnnors
when he met the secretary. lis tins
the most up-to-date blankety be-
dashed globe you've got? If your
coaling stations aren't marked any
more accurately than Alaska. you i
be in a double asterisked, hypenated
billy be -divvle Of a fix if we ever have
war with anybody.
And another thing. Daniels roar
ed Connors, as he was about TO stalh
out, why in the name of Jack john
son don't you name a decent ship att
err Buffalo? ?"
Copyright 1914. by Fhed. c. Kelly
Ali rights reserved).
Twenty Years Ago