The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1914-12-16

Colonel Newbranch Uses Edi.
tOrial Column Rule Club.
s@Nebraska Is So Blamed Vir-
tuOus" Broke Up Party.

Kansas and Nebraska are about to
go to war over Gen. Frederick Fun
ston.
Kansas is mad because an eastern
newspaper credited Nebraska with be-
ig the home of Funston. AS soon as
the charge was made William Allen
White grabbed his trusty typewriter
and made an attack upon the northern
neighbor instead of on the offending
editor.
'COlOrless, eventless, uninteresting
Nebraska" said White. Nebraska is
milkeyed, placid. blue-stocking old
maid. who never had throb of emo
ton stronger than a platonic yearn-
ing for a tabby cat
And with that Col. Harvey New
branch, who stands with Nebraska
just about where White stands with
Kansas, rises and answers something
like this: Nebraska raises corn and
alfalfa and wheat and pork and beef
and Kansas raises hell. Nebraska
piles up wealth and Kansas piles up
sand dunes"
"Nebraska's feet never are found
tangoing up and down the primrose
path of dalliance with any idea more
diverting than a geOmetrical theorem,
says White.
"NcbraSka So R1ghteOuS.
But Nebraska is SO righteous" an
swers Newbranch, that she can trust
herself to freedom and Kansas so
wicked that she must restrain herself
in gives and chains-and then cries
out See how good 1 am!
Nebraska is so prim that a cyclone
never twisted her off her feet and
kissed where she stood writes the
Kansas William. Nebraska never
surged with a hot wind nor howled
with blizzard"
Nebraska is courteous and unob-
trusive, Kansas a shrieking self ad-
vertiser, Boosting even Of her billiards
and hot winds as colder and hotter
and more destructive than can be
found anywhere else on EARTH" says
Newbranch.
Says Kansas William: 1.-THE idea
that Nebraska would produce a gay,
frOlicsOme, picturesque, festive and in
trepid fighter like Funston is positive
ly grotesque. Why not speak of Nor
way as the home of Dante. of Berlin
as the home of Napoleon, and of
Manitoba as the home OF the Wild
Man from Borneo."
To which Newbranch answers,
when it comes to the production Of
that which is Of enduring worth, from
bank balances to artists and geniuses,
Nebraska has Kans~s crowded over
into Oklahoma and the Panhandle.
Kansas may boast her Simpsons, her
Funstons. her Mary Ellen Leases. her
Carrie Nations and her William AL
len Whites. Nebraska has only to
mention, offhand. Bryan, the worlds
most popular statesman; the BQr-
glums, the greatest living sculptors;
Stanley, the worlds greatest explorer;
Bessey, the greatest living botanist.
Where is Kansas, then, with her tat
Io1s g.
thing were left of her it would be nee
essary My to push forward Captain
Vic Halligan's crew, the VESTS great
est football team. and watch Kansas
take yelping to the underbrush."
Nebraska VS.. Kansas.
Then Nebraska's champion rubs it
in little. kansas vainly seeks sur
cease in fads and follies and CHI
meras; Nebraska finds it in the simple
virtues our mothers taught reinforced
by all the good things that rational
use of honestly acquired wealth can
procure. Nebraska outranks Kansas
in all the excellencies and blessings
and Kansas outranks Nebraska in her
ability as a ba1lyhoo artist. Kansas
likewise excels Nebraska in the pro-
duction of sockless statesmen whose
kers and of writer's who are the de-
light of all those who read with the
aid of their index finger"
Nebraska is SO blamed virtuous,"
says the Kansas man, that her emo
tions are ingrOwn and her morals
callOus."
And right there is where William
Allen White outdid himself That
charge of $50 blamed virtuous" was
more than Colonel Newbranch could
stand for. No one ever accused him
of such conduct before and he took
1t as personal affront. Hence, he
invited White to come up and see for
himself. And this is the wording of
his invitation:
IF this man White really thinks
we are what he says we are, let him
come up and try us. Let him sneak