davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington herald., 1914-05-24

and sage together for a hash and drop
ped the wiping cloth into the teakettle
When he came UP again / had fallen into
light sleep. and the cat was there AZ
soon as he began talking to the feline
awoke
so you are here, are you, you miser.
able, wall-eyed son of a gun!' he said IN
stage whisper. II can't wiring your
old neck here and now. but don't forget
that / am on your trial! II Mrs. Bowser
dies. and there Is a chance that she will,
I'll be the death OF you within fifteen
minutes. II she pulls through, my ven-
geance will only be delayed. have
sworn to have your scalp. and have 1t
will"
The cat got downstairs and out on the
back fence as soon as possible to do
some thinking. and as soon as Mr..
Bowser discovered that l was awake he
offered to go over to the drug store and
get me some salts, carbolic acid, chlo-
ride OF lime. or anything else any OF his
family had ever heard Of in connection
with any ailment whatever. When / re-
piled that / needed nothing in that line.
he offered to go out and arouse the
butcher and baker and bring in pork
chops and graham bread. He suggested
pickles and sardines from the delica-
lessen store for an appetizer. and for a
long five minutes descanted on the vir-
tues Of hard cider as a cure all.
As I wanted nothing but sleep to cure
my headache, he decided to sit by me
and read me to sleep. Under the circum-
stances 1 couldn't tell him that IL he
would go downstairs i would be asleep
in ten minutes. He looked around for a
book, but the only thing at hand was a
copy of the voyage Of Capt. Cook. That
was as good as anything. according to
Mr.. Bowser. Every word seemed to go
through my head. but l shut my eyes
and gritted my teeth and let him read
on. How many islands and continents
the captain discovered I shall never re-
call to memory. but / recollect that he
had been discovering here and there for
a number OF years, when he landed to
be eaten by cannibals. Mr.. Bowser's
voice betrayed considerable emotion
when he reached this point. He had
never been eaten himself. but he knew
how it must be. The natives were work
ing away when ! fell asleep and lost
Mr. Bowser. the cannibals, the captain.
and all else.
1t was daylight when I awoke. My
headache was all gone, and I was my
self again. Mr.. Bowser had also read
himself to sleep. He sat In his chair
in a heap, the book on the floor beside
him. and the cat on her back asleep.
with legs in the air.
by George" exclaimed Mr.. Bowser
as 1 reused him up. but I didn't know
The Washington herald., 1914-05-24

closed and the congregation had 20 wor-
ship in a stable
Never a thing of the sort happened"
exclaimed the Senator.
But there must be some foundation
for the story
mot the slightest. think 1t vas
started by Senator Baily because / re-
proved him in regard to the Standard Oil
Company. Why, man, I was once en-
gagged to that preachers daughter"
Il was coming to that. You found out
that she was so near-sighted that rhe
couldn't tell a humble bee from May
apple and you broke the engagement and
she tried to commit suicide"
II deny II! l deny IT." came from the
Senator. THE girl fell in love with a
lightning-rod man and married him. He
proved to be a good man. and she Is very
happy Is there anything else?'
Did you lick a schoolmaster in your
younger days.
II did not. One licked me-
They say in Mount Clemens that you
began using profane language at an early
age?''
Il never used an oath in my life I
have said BY gum when / went down
on an icy spot. but all the religions have
held that is not profanity"
Didn't you once help break up a
camp meeting at Burr Oak, in Your
State"
Never was within five miles Of one"
"As a member of the Michigan legisla-
ture didn't you vote against permitting
the washing machine to be sold in that
State"
Why. man. encouraged its sale by
buying one 1t wouldn't wash clothes.
The Washington herald., 1914-05-24

The Senator was caught dead to rights
and when he realized 1t he sighed and
settled back In his chair and sail:
Nov that you are here you might a,
well go ahead"
Senator" was replied. "the PEOPLE are
crying for reform
''Yes, they are always crying for some-
thing"
But this t:.ac they are shedding real
tears"
"Over what?"
They demand that the characte-, past
and present, Of every Senator be .nvessti-
gated and held up to public view. thus
can the black sheep be separated from
the white"
Il have nothing to conceal"
But that mortgage. Senator - that
mortgage on a church?''
Never heard of it,"
I'm the town of Bad Axe. in your State.
they say that when you were q young
man your father had a mortgage on a
church building. and as you were rnad al
the preacher you had the mortgage fore
The Washington herald., 1914-05-24

ABE" said farmer Granger to me as
l handed him a letter at his gate, don't
the Bible say that them that stand in
high places may fall?"
'I think it does, Uncle Bob, but we
are not permitting to mix up outside
things with the United States mails. Any
thing happened:"
Come in and see him"
"who?"
"Our hired man. He stood in a high
place and he fell. He says he'll never get
well without some of your poetry.
Has he had a doctor
Two of 'em, but he wants the poem
just the same. He shouldn't have stood
in a high place. and he shouldn't have
fell, but let's turn to and help him get
WELL
1 went in, and after a talk with the
victim i wrote for him as follows:
Jim Virgins was a hired man.
And worked for farmer Granger;
He never lodged humble bee,
Nor shirked a hornets danger.
To show the courage in his soul,
And that no fear accounted:
He gave a run and gave a whoop
And a stack of straw surmounted.
And when the apex had been reached.
His arms they went a-hopping;
Crow after crow brave Jim sent forth
Without a single stopping.
Amidst his Growing loud and shrill
Was heard an awful rumble;
And terrible it was to see
Jim Virgins take that tumble.
He broke his collar bone, and he
Felt seven ribs a-cracking;
His neck was telescoped an inch,
And there was nothing lacking.
He lies upon an aching bed,
He wonders where he's going;
If he gets well he'll flop no more,
And he'll do no more Growing"
He wept gently when read the poem
to him, and when 1 rose to go he said
If the Lord spared his life he would
tie his feet to the ground forever after.
HE LOSES A BROTHER.
They told me Farmer Jones had just
got sad news about his only brother, and
had gone to the barn to weep over it, and
1 went out and found him sitting on the
The Washington herald., 1914-05-24

We can't say we admire the bool, en-.
titled won By Chance" It's too much
Of a chance. Geraldine Hopkins gets
lost in a forest twenty miles long BY
fif.,en broad, and on the same day Resi-
maid schemerhorn has just escaped q
cyclone, and Geraldine has been hanging
over the brink of a precipice for two
hours. We think 1t would have been
better to have had the couple meet in a
hrst-class chophouse and get acquainted
through Geraldine finding that her watch
purse at home.
had stopped, or that she had left her
A book which will appeal largely to
Western sentiment is entitled Found
At Last The daughter of a New York
millionaire has had forty offers of mar
riage. She knows that every one Of the
forty young men simply want her cash.
She determines that whoever gets her
shall get her through love, and she
packs her trunk and goes West and pre-
tends to be poor. She strikes q Job
teaching school at IS month and board,
and after about six months along comes
Popsy Harrison, young man in a red
woolen shirt. who is head boss In a
sawmill. He says Gosh hang it.' and
"Gol durn it," and he wipes his mouth
on the tablecioth. but she discovers that
he loves her for herself. and she gives
him her heart and stack of govern
ment' bonds q big a. . house. Thinss
The Washington herald., 1914-05-24

expected Of a man that he would have
his boots blacked at least once a day,
and no guest was allowed in the hotel
dining room in his shirt sleeves. We
caught sight of only three or four guns.
and those seemed to be worn more for
ornament than use. There was no such
thing as walking up to a stranger and
slapping him on the back and asking
him to take a nip. and We saw dozens
of men drinking alone and never blush
ing a blush. 1t was with a deep sigh q
relief that We reached home and found
the boys shooting at the lightning rod
which had been put up on the city hall
in our absence.
We wish it distinctly understood that
Mai. Shortwell is no longer the Wash
ington correspondent of the Kicker. We
had great hopes of the major when he
started out. The atmosphere of the
breezy far West lay thick upon his hat.
and every movement of his feet be-
trayed the individual freedom demanded
and accorded to all who come this way.
He went away from here in red shirt
and buckskin leggins and cowboy hat,
and we saw to II that he had two guns
and bowie knife and lasso. His first two
letters hit the boys plumb center, but
then he began to fail and was disap-
pointment We suspected the reason and
began to investigate. 1t is with sorrow
that we saw he went back on his crowd.
We have the most convincing proofs that
he hadn't been In Washington a month
before he began to eat pie with a fork,
wear white shirts and walk around in
store clothes. 1t was inevitable that his
style of writing should change, and two
weeks ago it degenerated into such twad-
die that We threw the copy into the
waste basket. We are done with the
major.
The Washington herald., 1914-05-24

\ While Mr.. Bowser is streaky, most OF
his streaks are good ones
| While he always has some new scheme
On hand, he forgets nine out of ten OF
them over night. ..-=--
1 knew from the cooks face the other
morning that a cataclysm of some sort
was due, and half an hour after Mr..
Bowser had departed I was sobbingly
informed that her father had broken a
fever, and one of her sisters had been
blown up by the kerosene can. She
hadn't said anything about 1t before. not
wishing to worry me. but now she felt
| that she must put on her hat and be
of at half an hours notice.
| When a cooks family is all battered
| up and broken down and blown up, and
she is feeling that she ought to go home
| and fall down the cellar stairs and
break her neck to keep them company,
| nothing can be said by the lady who
employs her. --. -- w.
l simply assured Mary that my sympa-
thies went out for her, and that hoped
| she would sober up and be back within
a day or two, and away she went. There
was the ironing left undone, and one of
my old headaches coming on, but I set
out to do the best I could and let It
go at that
By o'clock in the afternoon I went
to bed with such a splitting headache
that it seemed as IL nails were being
driven into my skull, and there was
only a slight abatement when Mr..
Bowser came up to dinner. WAS dread
ing his arrival AS a rule, when he
comes home and finds me in bed he
stands before me with folded arms and
mods his head and says:
Flat down in bed again. eh7 knew
1t would come! A woman who goes wad-
ing around barefoot in the snow or rain
must expect to pay for 1t. Well, you'll
get no sympathy out OF mer'-
On this occasion, however, and to nv
great surprise he came up stairs with
quiet tread and laid hand on my
head and said:
You've got one of your old headaches
and I'm mighty sorry for you As the
cook is not to be found downstairs, I
suppose she's gone?'
Yes, but 1t wasn't my fault"
of course not. Well, there's no use
to worry. I'm not so helpless that 1
can't pick up bite for myself. Tou lie
quiet and don't worry
But 1 am sorry to have things all I'D
set in this way when you come home"
/ said.
Never mind. little woman. It's a long
time between your headaches, and we'n
get along as slick as grease"
There have been occasions when I had
headaches that Mr.. Bowser would 20
whistlins and tramping about and bang
ing away at the furnace doors, but this
time he carefully avoided making any
noise. 1t was half an hour before he
came upstairs again. and then it was
to say:
What you want is something to eat. A
headache is always worse on an empty
stomach"
He had brought me up some cold
corned neef left from the day before, with
a liberal slice Of bread and butter u,ith
jam on 1t. 1 turned dizzy at the sight.
The Washington herald., 1914-05-24

hay. When I had promised to put the
particulars in verse he chirked up a bit
and gave me his word that he would not
commit suicide or kick back IL one of
his cows kicked him. When finished the
poem read:
In old Vermont James Jones he dwelt,
And saw-logs was a getting;
He bumped himself from sun to sun,
And kept himself a-sweating.
He'd piled the logs upon a sled,
And to the mill was driving;
His vote had been for Wilson, and
His life was worth the living
Upon his route there was a hill,
And in that State there's plenty;
It's length it might have been eight
miles,
But likely nearer twenty
The Washington herald., 1914-05-24
ought to always come out that way. and
We hope the book will have large sale.

ought to always come out that way, and
We hope the book will have a large sale
We can't conscientiously recommend
the book entitled THE Hatbox Mystery
A young man calls on a young girl and
leaves his hatbox behind. She opens it.
of course, and she finds letter show
ing that he loves another and has put
up a job to rob bank. The girl sets
out to thwart him and bring him to
justice, and, after falling down a well,
being blown up on steamboat, and
run over by a trolley car, she discovers
that the supposed villain is millionaire
in disguise, and that the hatbox be-
longs to another man. There are too
many adventures for a small box. and
the girl doesn't even marry the million
aire after his innocence has been proved
and the hatbox dropped out OF a third
story window.
We like the location of the town Of
Prescott, and we believe 1t one of the
healthiest spots in the Territory. but
we wouldn't put in a week there for a
barrel of money. During our three days
stay there last week on business dozens
of things happened to make us sigh for
home and freedom. For instance, we
ran across at least twenty men who wore
white shirts every day in the week and
invariably changed on Sundays. and blue
o.
and red neckties and regular collars and
cuffs met our. eyes at every turn.. It was
The Washington herald., 1914-05-24

No, / haven't, sab. You see. when We
found the bar We found John inside of
him. and We had to sorter guess the rest,
though i think We hit il purity clus.,'
And you mean TO say your brother
was eaten alive?"
''Sartinly."
"But-but-"
II ye hev any remedy to restore him
to life. stranger I'm willin' ye should
try it. but l shan't believe in II till
see 1t work. Yes. eaten alive, and he
was inside the bar Poor John, Poor
John, I'm Jest on my way up the noun
tain now to see II kin find any signs
that he had time to sing a hymn afore
the bar took him in
The Washington herald., 1914-05-24
HONEST ABE, U. S. M.
He Meets With the Joys and Sorrow of Spring

/, The oxen started on a trot.
The loaded sled was pushing;
And ere he'd gone half a mile
His business IL was rushing.
You can predict what happened soon.
The logs awry and sliding;
And to his doom James Jones he saw
Himself all gently gliding.
He called aloud on Providence,
| But soon the sled went over:
And Ger his many broken bones
| The angels they did hover.
He had Just time to say a word:
| "Oh, tell my loving brother,
THAT I'm the biggest fool up here,
And down there he's the otherr'
What in thunder did he want to drive
down that long hill forr exclaimed the
farmer as i finished and read him the
poem.
| Il dunno" and with his dying breath
he called me as big fool as he was.
1T seems so.''
"And / came out here to weep over
him and like enough to hang myself, I'll
be darned If I do it," -
And farmer Jones was making for the
field and hard work when / drove on.
A WIDOWS WALL.
1 didn't have sny mail for the Widow
Fletcher, but she waved the roller-toweI
at me from the kitchen door and stopped
and went III.
ABE" says she, what's the matter
will all the widowers in this darned old
cornty?"
What have they been doing?''
Nothing. and that's what / am kick
ing about. There's forty of them. but
not one OF them has shown his nose in
side my doorv'
That's funny"
Don't none of them want to marry
again?''
why, all Of them ought to want to-"
well, they are slower than molasses
about it don't say I want to marry,
but why in Sam Hill don't somebody
ask me? Am a hedge fence, Abe?"
No"
rs there a gray hair in my head?"
Not a one"
''Ain't I always smiling?"
Always"
Then it's darn funny that the Wild
overs don't leave tracks at my gate.
Write me a poem. Abe, and stir 'em up"
Something in the nature of a wail?" 1
asked.
Il don't care what it is. SO it brings
'em along"
And with q fried cake in one hand and
a glass of current wine in the other 1
invented the following:
"oh, bachelors and widowers, come listen
to my tale.
It is about a widow you cannot help
but know;
She's got the looks-she's got the farm,
and yet you fellows fail
To embrace the opportunity to there
ACQUIRING go.
-Four cows they are at pasture all in
her meadow green
Ten hogs they are a-grunting and a
lying in the sun:
Three horses and a colt they are plainly
to be seen.
And sheep and lambs are bleatins and
having heaps OF fun.
This widow that I mention can bake
and wash and sew.
Her cooking is delicious, especially
her pies;
She's great on picked peaches, and I
am telling you
She'll make you tea and coffee that
will make your heels to rise.
She sings, and likewise whistles, and
ne'er a kick she makes,
She'll build the morning fire and do
the same with glee;
You orter see the patient pains that this
ere widow takes
To hunt the house all over to catch
pesky flea.
The best Of health and cash in bank
indeed. she'll prove a prize,
You'll pass long years and happy ones
a-seated by her side;
Come one, come all, and bless her I'D
to the summer skies.
If this ere little widow she consents
to be your bonny bride"
A copy to all of them!" said the
widow as I read it to her. And here's
to the lucky man."
The Washington herald., 1914-05-24

Mr.. Bowser. IL an eccentric man.
He is what they call q buffer.
With him a thing must be so because
he thinks So.
He prides himself on being a student
Of economy. and yet he buys a hog for
81, pays IS for pen. feeds him 81
worth Of grain. and when he Is through
his bacon has cost him z cents a pound
more than It would at the butchers
The Washington herald., 1914-05-24
ARIZONA KICKLETS

We are in recsipt OF a new publication.
entitled did She Marry for Money!"
AS near as We can make out she did,
but she got beautifully left. After keep
ing an old man bobbling around for five
years, Lucille hears that he has come
The Washington herald., 1914-05-24

whether you would pull through or not.
You were an awfully sick woman, and
nothing but my loving care and know
ledge of what should be done pulled you
through: and now you let this be a great
moral lesson TO you to behave your
self!'
The Washington herald., 1914-05-24

Ellen were given at length to illustrate
his points.
How Mr.. Bowser got, things ready for
breakfast / did not learn until next
morning. Then 1 found that he had
ground coffee and allspice together. mixed
sausage. corned beef. cabbage, oatmeal
The Washington herald., 1914-05-24

red The book leaves Lucille scattered
over the floor in a dead faint, and we
are not going to bring her to to ask ques-
tions- Let her turn to tapestry painting
and make an old mans life happy.
The Washington herald., 1914-05-24

According to our office scales, the book
entitled THE Love of Theodore weighs
Just twenty-four ounces. We can't find
out that Theodores love was anything
to brag of, and the fact that he loved
for thirteen long years before saving
anything about it does not recommend
him to our estimation. A young man
who loves girl so that he can't sleep
nights. and yet permits her to make
artificial flowers for 30 cents a day and
attempt suicide nine different times
should be chained up to a Digger Indian.
The book leaves her clasped to his
bosom, but in spite of his long love he
may have found some other excuse to
stand her of. We can't conscientiously
recommend the book
The title Of very fair book for the
hammock is. "who Loved Him Best?''
Charlie Devon is the hero of the s,cry.
and Dora Lee and Dolly Brown fail in
love with him. The one seeks "a draw
him to the theater. the circus, the later
supper and the church rattle, and there
by ruin him. and the other pulls him to-
ward camp meetings. sacred concerts and
ginger ale as steady beverage. We
must leave the reader to find out who
loved him best. 1t is all there, and The
last chapter is frightened up by vivid
description Of hunt Tor q lost nickel Tn
Q street car.
The Washington herald., 1914-05-24

into possessson of an even million. She
then tells hiP that her love has always
been his ano hurries up the wedding.
The honeymoon Is only week old when
her husband is sued for g laundry bill.
and 1t transpirss that he isn't worth .
Atlanta Georgian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1912-1939, 1914-03-22
May Help You if
Lungs Are Affected

Proper diet fresh air and temperate habits
are beneficial TO persons suffering from Lung
Trouble: but in a great many Instances re-
ports show that the addition Of a medicine for
This affection has materially helped in bringing
about recovery. For more than fifteen years
Eckman's Alternative. medicine for Throat and
Lung Troubles. has accomplished good results.
Read what It did in this case:
Madison Lake, MINI
Gentlemen: In December. 1903, March.
1909 and September, 1903. / was taken with
hem0rrhsges Of the lungs which confined me
several weeks each time 10 my bed. My doctor
advised me to go West. In November | started
for Denver Col After my arrival / met
Michael Brody, who. upon learning Of my
tive ] kept on taking the medicine and i'm
proved fast In March, 1910. ! returned home.
] am entirely well. have good appetite and
sleep we'll when ! left Denver my weight
was 1870 pounds ! now weigh 1866, my normal
weight / thank God and your Alternative for
my health -.....--
(AfiidaVit PAUL H. FAsNACHT.
(Aboye abbreviated: more on reauest)
Eckman's Alternative has been proven by many
years test to be most erlcacious for severe
Throat and Lung Affections. Bronchitis.
Bronchial Asthma stubborn Colds and IN up
building the system, Contains narcotics.
pOisons or habit forming drugs. sold by all
Jacobs Drug stores and other leading drug
gists Write the Eckman Laboratory. Phladel-
phia. Pa. for booklet telling Of rec0vehes and
additional evidence.
Atlanta Georgian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1912-1939, 1914-03-22
REVEALS
W|FE'S SERVICE:
AS MAN IN WAR
Woman, Now 80, Donned Gray
Uniform, Cropped Hair and
Fought in Many Battles.

SAVANNAH, March Elm Mrs.
Patrick Kenny, aged so, the South
has its Molly Pitcher She's "Pri-
waite Bill Thompson, Company b,
Eighteenth North Carolina Regiment.
under Captain Robert Tate" and
ready to go to war again, but would
most prefer a trip to the approaching
reunion at Jacksonville.
With hair cropped and in mems
clothes. she fought from Manassas to
Fredericksburg with her husband,
Bryant Gauss, and she brought his
dead body all the way from the
trenches at Richmond 10 the home in
Bladen County, North Carolina. Later
she married Patrick Kenny. He died
a few weeks ago at the age of 106,
and in his memoirs the remarka BILE
story of the old woman was found.
She is still in excellent health. Her
eyesight is perfect and her recollec-
ton of the battles graphic.
She went to the front with one of
the first regiments from North Caro-
lima. OF rather masculine appearance,
it was only necessary for her to shave
her hair and don suit OF her hus
bands clothes. In the first battle of
Manas, as she was badly wounded
and wears the long rugged scar
through her scalp now.
She has a number of children and
grandchildren living in Georgia and
North Carolina.