The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1914-10-08
*::*s*:*a*.*.*aau=a<a*ss~n*.
DREW WRONG NUMBER
BY MAURICE SMILEY.

CAouSu W get tuo TlSuI ldUcIS UdCh
on the right bottles all might have
been we'll.
But that would have been another
story.
When the professor opened up his
stock Of panaceas in his wagonette
in front Of the post Office, the dry goods
boxes were emptied in twinkling
and the combined population of the
Corners gathered around the wagon
and listened with the conviction of
original sin as he expatiated upon the
marvellous properties OF the goods he
was introducing as an advertise
ment."
Surely, brethren said the Cor
ners people one to the other, "provi-
dence hath heard our cries and given
ear unto our supplication. OF a
|, verify, what be the ay-blown bottles
and the rafting pill boxes that 81
Mugs keeps In his general store
beside the virtue Of these marvellous
preparations, prepared by philan-
thropic preparers with the preparing
sympathy of preparers who under
stand the ailments of the people of
Simson's Corners and sent the pro-
lessor to them in their hour of
need?"
Why, didn't he have testimonials
which he read to the ladies and gen.
tlemen proving that man in Bangor,
Me-, who weighed 400 pounds had
taken three bottles of Anti-Obeso and
at the end of month had fallen Off
to IT'S? Hadn't a man who had no
tie and half of the hairine and had
to have his hair cut twice a month?
Why multiply instances?
I'VE are not fy-by-night concern.
ladies and gentlemen" said the pro-
! lessor with righteous Indignation. Il
shall be in your little city in exactly
one month from this day. II you are
not satisfied and do not beg me to
| accept unsolicited testimonials to the
efficacy Of these preparations, you
shall have your money back with far
greater cheerfulness, ladies' and gen.
tlemen, than I take 1t from you on
this occasion"
Squire Thornton, who had long
groaned under the weight of his 1853
pounds, laid in supply of the Anti.
Skinny" Madden, who had to stand
twice to cast shadow, bought three
bottles of the Anti-Lean. Miss Sim
| son, who had been afflicted with an
| unsightly growth Of hair on her cheek
! bought a box or two of the Superfo
Salve, warranted to remove hair
growths with four applications. Old
Daddy Smith, who hadn't seen a hair
for ten years on section of his
Uranium as big as a pancake, went
broke buying Hairine, warranted to
grow hair on anything short Of a
Hubbard squash.
Bill johnson, who was troubled
with weak knees, got some pills
which the professor declared we're
great muscle builders and would stiff.
en- up a clothesline until you could
use pieces of 1t for drills.
Jimmy Burrill, the blacksmith,
whose joints were stiff with the rheu-
matism. laid in lot of salve that
the professor assured him was an IN
fallible joint-cathartic, relieving the
most obstinate case of stiff hinges.
The professor had a remedy for
every disease, ailment, affliction or
| annoyance that the inmates of an
asylum for hypochondriacs could
imagine, and 1t was dead easy to sat
isfy Simson's Corners. He had come
Into their midst" as welcome
guest He left 1t as a benefactor and
| he smiled benevolently as he drove
away next morning. assuring the pop
ulation, which had gathered to see
him leave, that he would call again in
! a month and see how they were get
ting along.
Il hope got the right labels back
on" he unused to himself as he
ficked fly of the nigh horses right
| ear.
But long before the month was up
the people of Simson's Corners found
out that something was wrong. 1t
was not that the medicines of the
| professor were without effect. Per
contra, decidedly. He hadn't sold
them rainwater and belladonna for
the rheumatism or soft soap for stiff
joints. The salve wasn't cinnamon
bark and glycerine, neither was the
Hairine made Of cucumber oil and
podophyllin.
The medicines were powerful
enough, all right, all right. That
wasn't the trouble. The trouble was
that the wires had got crossed in
some way, and everybody seemed to
have drawn the wrong number in the
hygienic lottery. Stiff joints got
sitter and weak knees got weaker.
! Fat men got fatter and thin women
got thinner. 1t was like going down
hill and they couldn't stop the
effects Of the stuff. They emptied the
] bottles and boxes, but it kept on af-
fecting them Just the same. They
had got the medical principle into
their systems; and the professor