The Lakeland evening telegram. (Lakeland, Fla.) 1911-1922, 1914-03-18
KISSED A LADY; IS
NOW in TROUBLE

80 i~uIlol nave DetH hlooluS
lady, and it's got me into trouble.
Mighty nigh every trouble which
comes to us poor, unworthy, mortal
men has somewhere a woman it
It. Mr.. Wesley, not John, the
preacher, but Sam, the singer, said
and sighed as he said it:
I'VE should suspect some danger
nigh
Where we possess delight.
! 1t is said that after his girl went
back on him he wrote the hymn
containing this stanza:
How vain are all things here be-
low;
How false and yet how fair;
Each pleasure hath its poison, too
Md every sweet a snare
Bat | am writing of my troubles,
not Mr. Wesley's. 1t was this way.
My daughter who is teaching kin
dergartpn in Tampa came over last
Friday to spend the week end and
brought bad cold with her. Of
course, kissed her howdy,' and
there's where my troubles begin
afresh Just as was beginning
to quit "shingling,' have ac-
quired most heroic attack of the
sneezes and sniffles. One of the Old
Tetament writer's said: "Oh, that
mine eyes were fountain of tears.
If he'd Just had this thing I've got,
his fondest lachrymal hopes would
have been realized. There are
three or four distinct kinds ofnoises
in my head. My nose could win a
Marathon race while it looks and
feels like Lakeland had gone wet, >
and Ia been celebrating the event.
Only yesterday my friend and fel-
low townsman, Col. Drane, made
some sighting remark about the
color of my eyes, and if he doesn t
stop it I'm going to tell something
| know on him about Toronto and
Lake Ontario. | rather enjoy one
feature of my malady. There's one
ecstatc second just as my whole face
draws up for a sneeze. But I'd give
up this il the other things would
quit, too. Just now | am trying
to cure myself. There are three
different kinds oil lozenges before
me- noted principally for bad smells
and worse taste. Have also various
and sundry salves and balsams,
unctuous and malodorous for
amounting purposes. | find some
difficulty and more dissemination IN
the matter of amounting up my
nose. There are also capsules and
tablets and tabloids. | don't quite
know the difference. Some OF the
CAPSULES look like Uncle Sans r.
inch guns which are mounted on
the battleship Texas, and when 1
swallow one it requires a neck eff
fort similar to that which a duck
exhibits when she is swallowing a
toad. My good wife, dear, sympa-
thetic soul that she is, broadly
hints at "castor OIL" But ! never
was much at taking hints, and even
less at taking oil. Over thirty
years ago took my last dose. | had
taken measles-the bad kind, and
nv motherin law administered the
oil. She intimated it was a life
and death case. 1t liked to have
BEEN mean the OIL. The mem
. ory of that event stands out clear
am willing to take most anything
| from anybody. would even take
J a rooster to be a companion for my
lonesome looking hens or an auto
mobile to supplement my lack of
! legability. Nor do / mind salts and
soda and squils. Even bad colds
are bearable when they are handed
over in the course of osculatory ex-
ercises, but 4 must draw the line on
oil. Moral There isn't anything
to this sad story unless the sympa
thetic reader shall elect to draw one
from the possible aftermath of a
kiss. j. B. LEY.