davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1914-01-25

still breathing hard when man who
came out of a bakery collared him and
exclaimed:
"Ah, now. but here is the rascsl"'
what is II! Lemme GO" shouted
Humpy.
mot much / won't, I've looked for
you too long. Where's the spade you
stole from my yard last fall?
81 never did,
"But didn't chase you as much as
ten blocks?'
mo. SIR
"why, you've got the spade under your
arm now!''
ITS a clock, SIR" said Humpy. as he
"oh. 1 see Well I'll take the clock for
my trouble"
Humpy ran again. This time he had
to leg 1t half a mile before he was safe.
and then he jumped on to passing car
to ride back Through all his troubles
the clock had kept very quiet, but no
sooner had he sat down between a
woman with a lame leg and man who
had a green patch over one eye than
the alarm went of. 1t jumped in all at
once.
1t whirred. 1t banged. 1t ratified. i,
buzzed.
"Bu thinderw exclaimed the man with
the patched eye.
"Oh, Lordr' exclaimed the woman with
the lame leg.
And another passenger called out:
what in blazes is that?'
where's that internal machine?"
'Ts somebody trying to blow us up?"
mo mercy on a Black Hander.'
Its this boy here?'
Humpy Skinner laid the whizzing
wheeling. whirring thing on the floor OF
the car and ran for the rear door. They
grabbed for him as he passed, but he
eluded them and reached the platform
and jumped OF. It was an hour later
when he reached home and his mother
asked:
well, did you get the clock fixed?"
Humpy told his story and she replied:
'T thought all the time that 1t was you
instead OF the clock that needed liking
Come out into the woodshed with your
darling mother and IN fix that alarm In
short order!'
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1914-01-25
TOO MEAN TO HANG.

No one at Golden Flats suspected Jim
Trueman of being an over-partcuiar
man and willing to upset the routine
of things until he killed Abner PARKS
and had been sentenced to be hanged
He probably didn't mean to kill Parks
when he hurled q rock at him. but
death resulted. the jury said he was
guilty, and Judge Watkins rose and 90
served: A. a
with us a long time, and you've got
heaps of friends in camp, and we IL
leave this mostly to you. When dye
want to hangT'
son a full moon and At midnight
replied Jim, who seemed TO nave al
ready laid out his program.
"Shoo, That's three weeks away ana
you can't ask US to turn out at md
night and fool around for an hour.
But I do. And I want seven men 10
walk ahead of me and sing a sad song
as we march Then want to be hung
in a white shirt
How kin we do 1t. Jim. bein' as thar
hain't one within four hundred miles OF
usT'
..Irs my hansin'. amt it!' asked Jim
"Of course
"rm. the deeply injured party. !
reckon
"Yaas. that's So
"wail, then. want things my way. ]
want the bari which will be kicked from
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1914-01-25

Woman, go on. ! know nothing about
It. You are either drunk or crazy!'
But she refused to go on. On the
contrary, she began talking in such
shrill tones that the neighbors Weakened
and looked out of their windows. Mr..
Bowser forgot the moon, the mists.
mosquitoes and malaria and seized the
woman by the arm and led her to the
gate. She fought back and raised her
voice siill higher, and OF a sudden two
policemen came running. They saw a
woman in the grasp Of a man. and that
was sufficient. They seized Mr.. Bowser
on either side and wrenched and
damned and jerked him When he tried
to explain they slammed him against
the fence and bundled him around and
poked him in the ribs, and then away
they went, dragging him between then.
At the corner they were calling for
the patrol wagon when Mr.. Bowser's
family butcher happened along and in
duced them to listen and finally decide
on letting him go. He limped back &c
the house. The moon still shed her
glorious beams. but he saw her not.
There was a mist lowering around the
cat waiting at the gate. but he gave 1t
no heed With signs and groans he
drew himself up the steps and kicked
open the door, and as ne saw Mrs- bo"'
ser in the hall he extended his arms I'M
til his finger almost touched her nose
and hoarsely whispered:
would be assassin. behold your
work, You were coming TO eXult over
my corpsei Make no excuses to me,
for they won't go. Tomorrow, woman,
we separate forever, and IL
He couldn't get out another WORD.
and as he stood painting and gaspins
and gesturing she went back up stairs.
and the cat demurely followed.
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1914-01-25
THAT SKINNER BOY
An Alarm Clock Gets Him Into More Trouble

have the alarm Of the alarm clock fixed
so that 1t will alarm Mr.. and Mrs. John
son."
The mother looked after him as he went
and said to herself:
There's a boy who is pretty sure to
get his jacket tanned before nightr'
Humpy got the clock and started for
the jewelers., i've or six blocks down
the street As he walked he swung the
clock in his hand by the ring, Of course.
He had gone a block when he met q man
who had just asked q builder for work,
and was glad to be told that there was
nothing doing for him. He saw the clock
and the boy, and he called out:
Here young man. what are you doing
with my clockr'
faint yours!" was the reply.
Don't lie to mel You stole that clock
from me a week agor'
II never did This Is Mrs- Johnson,s
clock. I'm taking 1t to-"
Yes you are taking 1t to q pawn
brokers. but this is as far as you'n get
Hand overt
He grabbed the clock. and Humpy held
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1914-01-25

on. and they were struggling over 1t
when a policeman came up and called
out: &
Here, what does this mean
"He's got my clock" replied the man.
ITS Mrs. Johnson's clock!' shouted
Humpy.
both of you come along with me to
the stationr' said the officer; but the
man broke away and ran. Then he heard
Humpy's story and growled:
you can go on. boy, but you have had
a narrow escape from State Prison! Let
this be a warnini- to you never again to
carry a clock through the streets"
Humpy put the clock under his arm as
he went on, and he had safely passed q
hundred people when an oldish man halt
ed him to ask:
"Poy, maybe you hat seen my dog?".
mo, SIR"
He ynas a white dog"
Haven't seen him..
He has a bull ang."
"Eut I say haven't seen him."
''Poy, vhas dot some CLOCK unoer your
arm?' asked the old man.
Eyes, SIR"
"Ha; dot vhas der reason you don't see
my dog. You shteal q clock. chr
..Nor. SIR" replied Humpy. This was
Mrs. Johnson's clock"
IT think you vhas some awful liars!
Polise! Polise"
Half dozen men came running and
asked what was the matter. and the old
man excitediy replied:
"He don't see my lost dog! He don't
see my lost dogr
well what of itF' queried one
Hes got a clock by his arm!"
and what OF that?"
why. Il he don't steal dot clock he sees
my dog. hain't III"
The old man was told to 60. and then
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1914-01-25

And how long will 1t take?"
81 can't say about that I'll give 1t two
hours, anyhow. You go right to bed and
don't worry about me. It will take the
malaria germs a day or two to develop.
think I'll take the cat out for COM
pany.' -
Five minutes later he took a seat on
the top-step. with the cat at his left
hand II was warm and balmy night.
and he was m his shirt sleeves and
bareheaded. The cat wasn't up on
malaria or mosquitoes, and she didn't
care . continental whether the moon
was full or not In sight at all, but she
purred in contentment and kept her eyes
open for the flying bugs. Mr.. Bowser
wasn't doing his work In slipshod
fashion. He had a note book and pencil
with him and he jotted down notes for
the benefit of Professor Boxly and
mankind in general.
10 o'clock-Just sat down in the fun
light of the moon"
'T0:05 - Think I observe a slight
mist"
.1O:1o-Am positive there Is mist. "
'10:2o-Feel shivery, and the cat has
shuddered once or twice"
''1o:3o-Slight GOODNESS up and down
spine"
.1o:p-The cat is looking around in
a strange manner, and II seeing germs"
I'll o'clock - Cat still uneasy, and
believe that I've absorbed the germs OF
malaria. II the disease should prove
fatal"
That was the end OF his notes. Just
then an old woman with a cane and a
basket came along and halted at the
gate Mr. Bowser was watching for
mists and gave her no attention until
she opened the gate and entered and
said:
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1914-01-25
Humpy was asked:
as that your clock?"

tndl YOUR
mo, sir. It belongs to Mrs. John.
son."
johnson, Ell? have a sister-in-law
named Jorgson. and ttat 10 near enough
to johnson to show me that you are all
right. You can 80 on"
Humpy was only a block from his des-
tination when he met a fat woman with
a market basket on her arm. He was
passing when she caught hold Of him and
exclaimed:
Isn't it awful-just awful
"what?"
my old man is sick and longing for
winter tomato. I went to that grocery
back there, and what do you suppose
they asked me for one?"
Cant tellN
Ten cents"
"Nor'
"And It was a small onef
'Umv
"And it was specked"
~T-e-n c-e-n-t-s, Did you ever hear Of
the likes!''
st never did"
"You are q good boy to say 20. 1t ID
a clock you have there7
"Yes'm."'
-And you stole it and viii sell it to me
for 10 cents?'
Il aid not steal it 1t is Mrs John
sons clock"
for the clock.
ssr,,,< o S.nst mine"
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1914-01-25

the President would see fit to exercise
clemency.
is de gineral feelin' throughout de
hall?" asked Brother Gardner.
1T are" answered fifty voices.
Den l take pleasure in announcin' dat
de fines am RENTED. an de delinquent
restored to all DER rights an privileges.
I do dis bekase il ar de first case. but 2
want dis club to understand in de moas'
solemn manner dat DER mus be M
wranglin' or disputin' in dis hall II
makes no difference to US whether thu
Ga'den of Eden was in Asia or Arkansass
wh,ther de ark was painted red or greena
whether de whale swallered Jonah or
missed him. Our bizness Is wild de pres
ent, what we want to look for IL to SEQ
dat de later bin an de flour barl doan'
collapse wild emptiness, an dat we doan'
git sot out doahs bekase We can't riz de
rem fur de landlord. We will now dis
qualify de meetin' for one week an 60
home"
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1914-01-25

"Humpy," said Mrs. Skinner the other
Saturday morning, Mrs. johnson was
telling me last night that her alarm clock
is out of order"
Eyes, mother"
"You know that an alarm clock won't
alarm unless it is in order" 1888
TT won't. mother"
'I told Mrs. johnson that yodp would
take 1t to the jewelers. this morning and
have it fixed"
Gladly mother"
you'd better dust right along. The
man ought to fix 1t in half an hour. and
when you get back I want you to shovel
snow
'Tn dust. mother, and IN shovel"
Look here young man, what's all this
oiliness all at once!'' demanded Mrs.
: skinner.
Because, mother dear, I have firmly
resolved to be better boy in future"
"Oh. that's 1t? didn't know but you
we're fishing for 10 cents. You won't get
il, however"
mot cent mother darling. I 80 to
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1914-01-25
BOWSER is INTERRUPTED
And No One Can Tell How Science May Have Suffered

"Yes. IT'S the same man. and now he's
got to make things right!
whats the matter. my good womanT'
he asked.
The matter il that you passed q LEAD
nickie off on a poor wilder. want q
good niciie In exchange"
"You mean you come here asking Tor
charity and I gave you q bad coinf"
That's II. sir. You knew ! was
wilder who hadn't bread In the house.
but YOU worked q game on me
Il never did." exclaimed Mr.. Bowser.
You must have mistaken the house..
mot at AL. sir. remember your bald
head and red face and way OF speak,
Ing. Yes, II was you. and now you
must do the right thing or IN make
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1914-01-25

is the Perennial Cucumber Company, but
I'm afraid it's hardly good enough for
you. 1t won't pay over 40 per cent this
year"
But I'm willing to take 40 per cent"
replied the man. Gee whiz, but what
man can ask for more than that"
VERY fair, very fair" loftily replied
the major, but nothing to brag of. Being
you have come direct to the office, 1
want to pick out something extra. Let
me see. The University Glass Eye Com
pany paid so per cent dividends two years
ago. but last year dropped down to 30.
1t will be still less than that this year,
on account of hard times. Lots OF one
eyed people stick a patch over the eye
and let II go at that. If you'd come in
a month ago 1 could have let you in
on the ground floor Of the Magic Rat
and Mouse Destroyer. The stock went
like wildfire, and the last was sold at
$500. We figure 1t will pay 400 per cent
dividends for the next twenty years"
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1914-01-25
THE GRAND PROMOTER
A Stranger Plays Him Low-down Trick

There was some one outside of MAI.
Crofoots ONCE door.
He fingered and he hesitated.
Was he a creditor or q sucker?
Was there something in the sight Of the
door itself that intimidated him?
A knock Knock! Knock!
Come ini''
The major had determined to look Fate
in the eye.
He was cut of coal for the stove.
He owed three months ONCE rent.
He had come away without his break
fast, because he knew that his landlady
would ambush him IN the front hall.
He had come three blocks out of his
way to dodge his clothes cleaner.
He owed over $780, and he had just
p cents in his pocket, and no fire In the
stove.
His only bit of luck for the past two
weeks was in his laundress handing him
out two shirts belonging to some one else,
and, of course, he had kept them.
A wave OF relief SWEPT over the major
a. he noticed that his caller was an utter
stranger to him, and that the man had
a pleasant face
Mice winters day." was saluted-
ITS bully day."
''Were you looking for the dentist?"
Nope. / was shopping around to find
the Teller they call the grand promoter"
Come right i'm
I'm looking for the Maj Crofoot that
in
Then you have come to the right place.
Have a chair"
Thanks. Now. then. I don't wish to
take up your valuable time. Have you
got anything good on hand? / want
something perfectly safe that will return
3 or 10 per cent on the money"
The major began rubbing his hands
and almost gasped for breath. Another
sucker had come along at last As soon
as he could work up smile and control
his voice he said:
My dear sir, I have got half dozen
of the best things going. When you
speak of or 10 per cent dividends II
makes me smile. i don't deal in such
small fish. Any thing I take hold of
must pay 30 per cent or 1 drop 1t.
Good Lord"' calculated the caller as
he sat up.
Thirty per cent at least, sir. What
would you say to stocks paying dollar
for dollar?'
Can it be possible?"
Perfectly possible, my dear sir The
Great American Chicken Gizzard Com
pany is going to do better than that
this year. The fowls are well fed on
chalk and their gizzards thus whitened.
They are then cooked, spiced and can
ned. We shipped 10000 cans to the Car
of Russia yesterday. He has no gig
card of his own. you know"
And IL 1 put in a thousand dollars
I get the same amount back in dividends
each year?"
There is no more stock for sale. my
dear sir. i just mentioned the GizZard
company as a sample of my work. There
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1914-01-25

man Of family and has sent hin wife snd
chill'en away fur de occaahun-
dat miilyon am deposited on de table
De butcher knife has been sharpensd on
de stovepipe for de tragedy. It am uftsd
up. De millyon am rolled into position
DO you hear dat nppin' sound az dc
knife cuts?
do you see de mans eyes buIsin'
ont?
DO you see sich a smile creepin' ober
his face as de angels In heaben might
envy?
DO you see dat millyon finally fall
apart In two halves-dat great big mill
yon-dat ice-cold millyon-dat red-cored
miliyon-suich fruit as has made de
mouths Of kings water?
You see It? You see de man draw .
long breath and sot down. You see
him lift up one OF de halves and turn
his eyes to de ceiiin' and begin a feast
dat am to stop not as long as dar am
ober an inch Of de rind left VIII you
tell me dat a pusson has got to look
any furder dan dis fur happiness-fur
sich happiness as de money Of de rich
can't furnish?"'
Brother Gardner had made threats
IL silence were not maintained, but that
Picture was too much. "A dozen voices
cried out yum! YUM In chorus, and
then hundred members sprang to
their feet and yelled and whooped and
shouted for the next five minutes.
When the president could make him.
self heard he ordered the committee
to escort the Hon Altogether back TO
the anteroom, and then he said
Oats bout how / reckon 1t would
come out. He's gone on and shown you
how a man wild n watermillyon can be
happier dan a rich man, but he's for
fotten sumthin. Dat Guild man stols
dat millyon from a white mans truck
patch. and bout de time he has tooker.
three bites of II in come a policeman
and yanks him of to de station, and Ia
de mawnin' a jedge GIBBS him a sentence
Of ninety days to de island. AFTER
have interviewed de Hon. Altogether In
DE alley fur about five minutes. I'll con-
vince him dat de true way to be happy
in dis world am to be unhappy a good
sheer of de time"
At the last meeting Elder Peach
blow Bibbs and Deacon Vertigo Skinner
got into a dispute about the location
OF the Garden OF Eden and almost
called up, and fined $1,000 each and
suspended from all rights and privileges
until the money was paid in.
At the present meeting Elder Hardpan
Blakely arose to a point Of mercy and
brought up their case. He said he had
known them for years and had always
found them honest and upright men.
Neither of them. to his knowledge, was
given to dispute, but it just happened on
| this occasion. Each had an income Of
| SIS per week, and out of that might posi-
| bly, manage to save 90 cents. The fine
| was Sl1,000. and strive as hard as they
might it would take about loo years to
pay it. The outlook for the future to
| them was therefore as dark "a the inside
| of an old hat at midnight, and he hoped
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1914-01-25

at win be grand@
my name will be In the papers,
"Mrs Bowser shall not discourage
met
Medical science win honor my name!
It was thus that Mr.. Bowser COM
muned with himself as he rode home on
the car. He was 90 wrapped up in his
project, whatever 1t was. that q fat
man stepped on his feet without even
bringing q protest.
Mrs. Bowser and the cat were waiting
on the steps. but he passed them with
q lofty inclination OF the head.
Mr.. Bowser had been very quiet for Q
week. and one Of his spells" was due.
What form would the outbreak take!
Mrs. BoNtser watched him furtively, and
wondered whether he waa going to ex-
pertinent with the gas meter or overhaul
the interior Of the piano. He treated
her with a bland condensation during
the dinner hour and had no informa-
ton to give. and 1t was not until the
meal was finished that he said:
Mrs. Bowser. you may have seen
something In the papers about the dis
pute between Prof. Boxly and DR.. Hur-
ley?'
81 don't remember
Probably not. II 1t had been q bit
of scandal. you'd have remembered all
about IL, but as II related to medical
science you didn't think 1t worth while
reading. The dispute. ~ I may inform
you. arose over the cause OF malaria
The doctor asserted that that mosquitoes
caused malaria by inoculating human
beings, and the professor commended that
the moon was directly responsible for
It."
But how could the moon be respon-
sible? What an absurd idea"'
Don't go too fast. my dear woman.
II you had read his articles, you would
not call the idea absurd Have you
ever noticed q mist rising from the earth
at nightT'
''Of course"
well, that mist Is caused by the moon,
even when the moon is not to be seen.
The mist Is sometimes quite dense. Some
times you cannot perceive its The mist
is composed Of the germs Of malaria
There is always most mist at q full
moon. and consequently the number OF
cases of malaria are greater. Do you
follow met"
mo, don't" replied Mrs. Bowser. 81
don't believe the moon Is any more re-
sponsible for malaria than my old shoes,
while It is quite likely that mosquitoes
are"
SOO0! 1OOQ. ChuCkleo ME- DoWscr.
II am glad to hear you express a decided
opinion. We now come to the point In
the case. I have decided in the interests
OF medical science to prove or disprove
the professors theory.
''W-what are you going TO do?'
"Oher myself as q sacrifice. Tonight
! We will have a glorious moon, and there
will be a mist. / will sit in the full orb
Of night and make square test. II
malaria follows, then 1t follows that Prof.
Arizona republican., 1914-05-23

to pay annually q proportion Of the principal of the said Bonds equal to a sum produced by taking the whole amount of Bonds of this issue out standing and dividing it by the num- Der of years said Bonds have to run, and all money so levied shall be col Iected and paid into the County Treas urv. and placed to the credit of the Building Fund of said School District and be used for the payment of the principal and interest on said Bonds. and for no other purpose.
 And it is further ordered that said Bonds be advertised for sale until Mon day. May 1Ith. 1914, in the Arizona Re publican. a newspaper of general cir culation published in the city of Phoe- nix. Maricopa County Arizona. Ana the Clerk of this Board is hereby dl- rected to prepare d notice Of adVer- tisement calling for sealed bids for the purchase of said Bonds, until Monday, May 11th. 1914. said bids to be deposit ed with the Clerk of this Board on or before ten o'clock A. NJ, Monday, May 11th. 1914.
 On motion and by unanimous vote or the Board the County Superintendent of Roads was directed and authorized to grade with caliche that part of South central Avenue extending South iron, the South approach of the Cen ter street Bridge a distance of one and one-eighth miles. said caliche grade to  be twenty feet in width
 On motion and by unanimous vote o1 Board stood at recess until ten o'clock A. M.. Monday. April 20, 1914.
 w. A .MOEUR,
 Chairman Board of Supervisors, Maricopa County
 JAMES MILLER, JR..
 Clerk.
Arizona republican., 1914-05-23
ORDINANCE NO. 5

AN ORDINANCE MAKING IT UNLAWFUL FOR ANY PERSON TO SWEEP DUST, DIRT OR AC- COMPILATIONS ON OR OFF THE SIDEWALKS IN THE BUSINESS PORTION OF THE CITY OF PHOENIX AFTER THE HOUR OF 6:30 A. NJ.
 BE IT ORDAINED BY THE COM MISSION OF THE CITY OF PHOE- NIX. as follows:
 Sec. |. It shall be unlawful for any person to sweep, scrub or flush the dust, dirt, or refuse, on, upon. over, off or from, any public side walk of the City of Phoenix within the business section thereof. or to throw or place thereon or move or remove therefrOm, any dust, dirt or refuse, between the hours of 6:30 Q. m. and 9:30 D. m. or to do or perform any act or thing thereon or ! herewith during any hours whatso- ever which shall affect or menace the health or safety, or interfere with the convenience or comfort. of . the public generally or of any per son or persons lawfully using the same.
 ] Sec. ?. For the purposes of this ordinance, the business section of the
 city is fixed and determined to be i that portion of the City of Phoenix i bounded and defined on the north by
 the center line of Van Buren street. 1 or the east by the center line of
 Fourth street, on the south by the
 center line of Madison street, and
 or the west by the center line of l Fourth avenue
 Sec. g. Any person violating any
 ot the provisions of this ordinance shall be deemed guilty of a misde-
Arizona republican., 1914-05-23

meanor. and upon conviction there of shall be punished by a fine in sum not less than five dollars nor more than fifty dollars, or by i'm prisonment for not less than five days nor more than fifty uays, or by both such fine and imprison- ment
 Sec. 1. This ordinance shall take effect from and after thirty days after its passage by the Commission and it's approval by the Mayor; and shall he published ten days, as re- quired by the city charter.
 Passed by the Commission of the City of Phoenix on May F, 1914. Approved May F, 1914.
 GEO. U. YOUNG, Attest: Mayor FRANK THOMAS,
 City Clerk.