The Washington herald., 1914-03-22
OLD P AP PINKHAM
Is Having Hard Time Answering Questions

"And then in comes Jabez Primrose.
farmer, to say:
pap. came to you about a week be-
fore lection, didn't I?''
'I believe you did"
'Sure I did. told you was raisin'
bull calves to supply one of the New
steaks"
st think you did"
You know / did. you old wriggler. you.
I asked you IL you thought the price Of
bull calves would go up II Wilson was
elected and you assured me that it would.
That's why I turned my coat on lection
day."
'I see," says l.
And has the price OF bull calves ad-
vanced?"
'I dunno"
"But do, you old son-of-a-gun, Instead
of advancing 1t has dropped! What have
You got to say about that, and what
about the promises of your President?
You can't blame either one of us, ia
bez. In the first place. the patrons OF
the hotel you name got tired Of bull-calf
steaks and turned to old ram chops. II
you had about fifty old rams on hand.
now. you'd reap fortune. When /
predicted as did didn't spose any fate
Pap, you are an old jackass!" he
threatened.
Nor can the President be blamed It's
simply a freak of nature"
1.-THE devil 1t is!'
"Jabez. how often does a COW have
caIf?''
'Once a year"
And how will the sexes average?"
Three females to one male"
And how about this last year,!
THE same. I 'spose."
you are wrong there. as the reports
Of the Agriculture Bureau will show. For
the first time in twenty years, probably
owing to the Democratic victory. nature
reversed herself, the same as national
politics. OF the millions or calves born
last year nine out of ten were bull calves.
What would be the logical effect on the
market"
The logical effect" answers Jabez, as
he pounds on a flour barl with his fist.
rs that you are a darRed old liar. and
II you will step out doors and knock
chip off my shoulder I'll give you the
worst sIamming an old goat ever got!'
TT was old Mrs. Ridgway who came in
next. She wanted some ginger for
cookies,
Il heard that ginger was down in
price," she carelessly observed as l was
weighing it out.
Sorry to have to tell you, Mrs. Ridg-
way, that it's trifle up replied.
''What-up!' she shrieked.
"Yes'm.''
? And that's the way your President
keeps his promises! Ginger, sir-ginger
was one of the planks in your party plat
form, but what does the party care after
electioni Ginger was to go down. and
here you tell me that it's gone up in
stead"
But you must blame 1t on Providence.
Mrs. Ridgway. Didn't you read of the
earthquake that destroyed the ginger
plantations in the South Seas?"
Don't try to work off any fiddle-fad-
die on me, Pap Pinkham, Since you
turned your coat everybody says you can
lie faster than a horse can run.'
There was an earthquake and a vol
cano. The volcano broke out right in
the center of a ginger bed comprising
5000 acres. All that ginger was roasted
within five minutes. That has made the
supply short and raised prices"
'If there was an airthquake there then
the Democratic party planned it"' she
yelled. That man Wilson will want a
second term, as they all do. but will he
get it? Will he-will he-win he?"
And she shook her fist under my nose
three times and walked out. saying she
would use brick dust in place of ginger,
and her children would never know the
difference.
Thus it goes, Mr.. President. and I want
you to advise me in confidence.
Do you want a second term?
Is it one of my duties as postmaster to
lie for you?
If so, send me a new list of plausible
lies, as 1 have repeated the old ones I'M
til 1 no longer believe in any Of the lies
myself.
How long must a loyal postmaster. with
the best interests of this country at
heart stand to be called a liar and
scoundrel?
Is there anything wrong with your
policy?
Is the tariff all right?
Is the currency bill all right?
Are we going to have panic and such
a price for chicken-feed as has not been
known since the Pilgrim Fathers landed?
Trust me. Confide in me. / never leak.
1t was five years after my old COW got
sucked down by a duickstand that even
carelessly mentioned the matter to Mrs.
Pinkham. OLD PAP PINKHAM,
Postmaster and Liar.