davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington herald., 1914-07-12

Hans. you vhas a good cObbler, but
you vhas a poor peesness man. If some
body comes into your shop nit pair of
shoes you don't make some shOkes. You
vhas too serious. You vhas like some
funerals. Do you belief customers like
dot? No. Stree. In dis country eafer-
body vhas full of fun, und you must be
dot same vhay. If somebody comes into
my place to get his coat cleaned or his
trousers pressed, l vhas all SMOKES. und
he goes avhay pleased und comes again.
Go by your shop und begin to shoke, und
I tell you peesness vhill be better"
'Vhell. maybe dot vhas So" unused
the Cobbler as he sharpened away. Il
vhas no hand TO shOke. Tut If der peo-
pie vhant SMOKES l must do all l can. /
goes home. und purity queek an old man
comes in und says he likes to half a
sole on his shoe FIR 20 cents. He wos
very solemn urd don't half any fun
about him, but I laugh as hard as
can UnC ask him il he vhss out init der
boys last night und haf got some big
head on him. How you belief he talked
To me? He says l vhas a leather-headed
idiot, anC if I make some more SMOKES
1n him he vhill make me eat my own
wax He goes avhay nit der shoes,
und of course he neffer comes back any
more. Dot little tailor comes in und !
ask him about 1t. und he says:
''Vhell, you made one little mistake,
but dot cont count. Keep right on init
your SMOKES"
The Washington herald., 1914-07-12
P. D. O. INTERVIEWS

The Congressional Globe is published
that the proceedings of Congress may be
published.
II you can get hold of a copy you can
read that Senator Blank supported the
amendment
And that Senator Toodles moved that
the Senate adjourn.
And that Representative Somebody
moved that the enacting clause be amend
ed to read-and so forth.
And that a Representative moved for
a roll call on the motion.
1t is not for sale on passenger trains.
ton Of ii is published every morning
and a ton Of it goes to the junk man
every afternoon.
Hearing that the literary genius who
had filled the editorial chair OF the Globe
for the last forty years had perished at
his desk at last, the P. D. Q. man drop
ped in the other day to talk with the new
appointee. He is not a man with spec
tacles on his nose and long, gray hair
down to his shoulders and a 1H6 look
about his face. On the contrary. he is a
young man and a hustler.
will there be any change in the
Globe?" he was asked.
For sure there WILL" he replied.
will it continue TO print the speeches
Of members who did not deliver them
1T pains me TO say that it will II it
didn't, there would be very little use
for it
How do those speeches reach your
well, in the first place, a member OF
the Senate gets the feeling that he ought
to deliver a speech on some question or
other"
II see
He inquiries around and finds some one
who cen write a speech and comes TO
terms with him"
And the price,
Anywhere from so to SIS, and it's cash
on the nail. The speechwriters generally
have a speech on hand that will fit the
occasion with q few alterations. 1t may
have been used three or four times be-
fore, but that fact cuts no ice. 1t Is de-
lvered to the member, and after he has
read and gloated over It, he asks leave
of the body to have it printed in the
Globe"
And his request is granted?"
"Ouicker'n lightning, and II is passed
on to US through official channels"
And do you make any changes?'
Scores of them, in grammar, orth-
oeraphy, and otherwise. There are four
of US who take the speech in hand, and
when It is published the member gets
300 copies and mails them to voters in
his district. It IL the duty Of the last
The Washington herald., 1914-07-12
BOWSER'S BARGAIN
He Purchases Hammock at Twenty Per Cent Off

He ran that dog three times across the
yard before the animal could md the
hole he came in at and get out again,
and when he returned to the hammock
the romance OF the night was gone II
he hadn't caught sight Of Mrs. Bowser
peering from one Of the back windows,
he might have decided to call things on
until the next night. That settled mat
ters, however. He dropped into the
hammock and huddled himself up, and
the cat came back and sat on the fence
and looked down upon him with guar
dian eyes Ten minutes stole quietly
away. and the crickets had begun to
sing low and drowsily, when something
fell from the sky with a great slash and
clatter, and missed Mr.. Bowser and his
hammock by only a few inches.
by the club-footed king. but who did
that?" he demanded as he rolled out to
find that the something" was an old
pail.
He had scarcely uttered the word when
an Early Rose potato whiLzed by his ear
and struck the fence with bang. and
II was followed by a Florida cabbage
stalk, which emitted a moaning sound
as II grazed the top OF his head. The cat
realized that she wasn't in II and took
skip. but Mr.. Bowser wasn't to be
bluffed
You reptiles, Ill have you jugged for
this"' he shouted as he looked around
and failed to locate any one. DO you
know"
An old corset from an ash cen came
sailing his way like a vulture OF the
night, and he felt the fan of its wings
as he ducked his head. Then there were
missiles which he believed to be onions
and tomatoes and green corn cobs and
ancient lemons. and all he could do was
to Jump up and down and demand that
his hidden foes stand forth and be
slaughtered He thought he caught
sight OF some one on the alley fence.
and he made a wild charge, but he had
no sooner reached IL than the heavens
rained tin cans, bottles, old hats. and
shoes, and he was compelled TO turn and
fee for his life. Mrs. Bowser came down
stairs to md him in the sittinG-room,
white-faced. big-eyed, and painting, and
after a look AT him she said:
Have you got hardened up for the
hot wave as quick as this
Woman. how Dare you look me in the
The Washington herald., 1914-07-12

at this time O. night with a keg Of
water on yO'r shoulder
rs fur the old wOman's rheuna-
ticks
But yo' wasn't headed fur homeT
mo, was gwlne up the rocks q bft
to look fur bar tracks.
Il never seed five madder men in an
my bon days" laughed Zeb, and sum
Of EN- were fur givin' me the switch As
they had no proofs agin me they had 70
/ tell yo' 1t did hurt their feelin's TO do
II. I picked up my keg and sot out fur
home. The ole woman was waitin' fur
me. and as I opened the door she looked
Up with a grin on her face and seq:
'Zeb. did yO' find company on tbs
mountain
Yes. Five revenue men
And yO' didn't try to git away
No
Did they seem to feel powerful bad
about IT.
They did. fur suah When did yo'
change them kegs on me-
when you went back to the still
jest felt what was gwine to happen and
wanted 10 save yo Don't yo' gwine 70
stepPin' high and feelin' peart about it.
bekase you'd hev gone to prison but for
reckon, and I worked 1t out and saved
yo'r hide"
That was a sharp trick" I said as,
the old man refIled his pipe.
Couldn't be beat!' he chuckled. And
the next keg OF whiskey all went fur
shoes, kaliker and snufr fur her.
The Washington herald., 1914-07-12

ther Information. Women will lie when
there Is no object, but men generally
plan to make a lie serve a purpose.
tried to figure only why Jimmy should
lie, but the best guess I could make at
II was that he wanted to pass for a
richer man than he was. There was
nothing bad about that. and I didn't
permit the falsehood to open any breach
between US.
When we came to shake ourselves
down aboard, l noticed that there was
a lot Of rather tough-looking men among
the steerage passengers. 1t was ex-
planned that they were going to the Cape
to work on a new railroad. AS near as
1 could size them up they were all colo
malls and men more used to horses than
picks. think the sleek Jimmy must have
caught me watching the steerage pas
sengers, for he took occasion one day
to observe:
There seems to be a fine lot OF men
going out to the Cape with us?"
"As far as bone and muscles 60"
replied.
'Of course, but this is the first time
ever heard OF Australians being shipped
to the Cape for such work. Is there
any scarcity OF native help? I can't
imagine one OF those chaps over yonder
with his soft hands doing much with
pick and shovel
No. perhaps not" replied Jimmy In
an absent way as he looked at me
through half-closed eyes.
Then he extended his cigar case, pro-
posed game Of euchre. and the sub
ject was dropped. don't claim that
was suspicious Of Jimmy. or that I
was disturbed by the gang in the steer
age. On the contrary, was perfectly
easy in my mind in all respects. I had
in the Australian papers read that the
Ocean Queen was carrying home more
than a million dollars IN gold. In fact. I
had seen most OF the boxes brought and
taken down to the strongroom- All other
passengers must have been aware OF the
treasure. but there was little or no talk
about It I think the sleek, slick man
was the only one heard say anything
about Il As we sat SmokinE and yarn
The Washington herald., 1914-07-12

aboard the Queen, and the steamer was
worked down alongside the brig The
sea was smooth, and the fellows could
lash the craft together without fear Of
disaster
We had been taken completely by sur
prise and had no show. They had tho
gold out and transferred within an hour.
II Is to the credit Of the rascally gang
to say that they were under good con-
troll and insulted no one. After the gold
was disposed OF they robbed the ship Of
lot of bedding and provisions. and at
the last the sleek, slick man came down
into the cabin to say a few words. He
was smiling and good natured. He pat
ted the children. bowed to the ladies, and
waved his hands to the men.
My dear friends" he said in that soft.
silky voice OF his, Il hope that had
given you no trouble. Rather let me
hope that you will look upon it as an in
cident to break the mOnotony of the
voyage. l do not wish TO search YOU
one by one. like a fOOtpad or bush
ranger. but I will trust 10 your honesty
to hand over your money and jewels.
have figured on about the amount
further disturbed. II don't get it there
will be room aboard the brig for most OF
the ladies'"
gave up half my possessions. and
presume the other passengers retained
share as well. but the money. watches.
rings. brooches. etc. laid on the table
before the pirate had a good round value
and seemed to satisfy him. He swept
everything into n sack, bade US a fond
adieu and within ten minutes was sail
ing away in the brig. The engines
were disabled before they left, and the
crew of the mates boat was sent back
TO US. and as no one had been killed we
were fain to think We had come OF
fairly we'll We lay rolling in midocean
for four days before the engineer had
made repairs. and by that time the brig
was several hundred miles away. Even
had We known her course and position,
1t would have availed nothing. We
made slow run for the remainder OF
the voyage, and IL was three weeks be-
fore man-of-war started out to look
for the pirate craft. It had been a Job
put up in Australia, and II had worked
TO perfection. II may be that the brig
returned TO that coast and landed and
divided the swaS. but as she had q
dozen dinerent places to choose from
she had no fear OF capture. So far as
l had been able to learn she was never
heard from, though the search was kept
up for year or more. There was
enough plumber to set each one up hand
somely. and ] have always thought OF
Jimmy, the slick one, as touring about
IN the finest raiment. drinking the
rarest wines and making himself
faVorite wherever he stopped for q week
The Washington herald., 1914-07-12

1t would harden you up, then Of course
II will. Don't put the blame on on me,
however"
"Blame7 Blame: How can blame
you?"
Il don't know, but you probably Will"
I'm probably do nothing of tho kind.
By George, but wonder II there is an
other such aggravating woman on the
face Of the earthi"
Mrs. Bowser had nothing molP to say
Ar. Bowser kicked things out OF his way
as he walked. and the cat rubbed against
a leg OF the piano and saw fun ahead.
Half an hour later the hammock was
slung between two OF the clothesline
post. II was a fairly dark evening. and
Mr.. Bowser congratulated himself that
none Of the neighbors had go; on to
his little scheme. At l o'clock he was
ready to try the cure He tried to draw
Mrs. Bowser into an argument about II,
but she kept clear and went upstairs
as he started out. Bareheaded and with
coat and vest on. he fell into the ham,
mock with a grunt OF satisfaction and
began counting the stars in the vault
above. Unnoticed by him. the cat had
followed at his heels. The night-cure
was nothing new 20 her. and she went
summer novelties Ten minutes had
passed, and Mr.. Bowser had just in
dulged in sneeze which set the ham,
mock swinging when the head OF a
neighbor's cat appeared above the fence.
For a few brief seconds the Bowser "a:
and the interloper exchanging giancss
OF hate. distrust and defiance. and then
on top the fence they coIlided.
by the great horn spoon!" calculated
Mr.. Bowser as he rolled about and final-
ly felt out OF the hammock. By the time
he had hit the earth the interloper was
a licked feline and was heard scramblirg
over a fance three yards below.
1t was evident that the cure had a few
drawbacks, but after cussing softly TO
himself for q minute the patient climbed
back into the hammock and tried to
make himself believe that he already
felt better. He shut his eyes tightly.
TO sleep. and the premonitory
tlngle OF a second sneeze was being
family felt when there was a yell and
a hiss, and the cat went up the fence
and over It like a fash. and a dog was
left whining and growing within ten
The Washington herald., 1914-07-12

Well, how vhas a cobbler shop today?
If vhas in Germany 1 have one hun
dred customers TO depend on.
Here in America, everybody tries to
take my trades avhay.
II somepody else can't get my Gus
toners der undertaken offers 'em prizes
TO die.
In Germany everybody puts his head in
der door as he goes past und calls out to
you:
Peg avhay, old mans-you shall be rich
some day.
Here in America when a man puts his
head in der door ne says:
No use, old Dootchman's-you vhas
gone by der poorhouse!"
Vhss dot der vhay to help a man along?
II peoples talk like dot TO George Wash
ington does he ever become a cherry
tree?
Or does he become a burglar und steal
somepOdy's spoons?
Peesness vhas a little slow one time.
und so I goes by dot little tailor to ask
for advice. He vhas in America q long
time, und know how she vhas. After l
talk to him, he says:
The Washington herald., 1914-07-12
A Sleek, Slick Man

On the passenger list OF the Ocean
London on the 18th OF August, 1881, was
the name OF James Melwill, an English
man, and II there ever was a sleeker.
slicker man got into port I have not
read Of him He hadn't the sleek, slick
way Of hypocritical missionary or par
son, but 1t was a way Of his own. He
was a dandy in figure and dress. He
had the innocent face of a child. He
was guileleEs an ingenious. He seemed
to know so little OF the world that you
wondered where he had passed his thirty
years Of life He wanted to make ev-
erybody's acquaintance and be friends
with all. You couldn't help but set him
down for a good fellow just to LOOK at
him. and when you had listened to his
drol stories in the smoking-room. his
songs in the cabin, and the fairy stories
he told the children. you had to agree
that he was Justly a favorite.
No ono seemed to know Jimmy. as he
asked US to call him, beyond knowing
that he lived UP the country on q Dig
horse farm and was worth half a million
dollars. 1t turned out that no one really
knew that. but had taken his word for
it However, Il was no ones business 10
know him. He was going back to Eng
land after a bride. and all the ladies
aboard agreed that he was a good catch
and that the girl was in luck. Perhaps /
got more out of Mr.. Melwill than any
other passenger. 1t was more, and at
the same time It was less. In speaking
Of his horse farm to me he had been
foolish enough to locate it. 1t was far
distant from Melbourne. and 1t was IN
an out-of-the-way place, but 1t SO hap
pened that had sheep-herded and pros
pected all over that range and knew his
story to be false. He saw by my looks
that / knew It to be so, and he at once
turned the conversation. and refused fur
The Washington herald., 1914-07-12

ing one day he carelessly mentioned the
treasure and then wondered how much
all the gold and silver lost by shipwreck
would amount TO.
1t was a wide e&panse of ocean between
the Cape and Australia, and at the end
OF a week We had all settled down into
grooves and fallen into a mOnotOnous
routine. Early one morning a sail was
sighted dead ahead. and almost as soon
as she had been made out it was seen
that she had distress flag flying. The
news went over the ship. and in
moment everybody was interested and
anxious. The ship in distress was a brig.
and. so far as any of us could make
out she was all right allow and aloft.
II she hadn't sprung a-leak. then II must
be a case OF fever or mutiny, or perhaps
she had run short OF water and provi-
sions. Jimmy stood beside me as we
bore down on the brig, and, although I
twice asked him what he thought OF
it. he did not seem to hear me. turned
to look at him as he closed his glass and
found a smile on his face.
You don't take It as a joke, do your
asked rather brusquely.
"Oh, no, no." he replied, smiling and
chuckling at the same time. NO.
it's no joke. There will be no laughing
over IL"
His tones were sarcastic, and for an
instant there was a look OF triumph in
his eyes Then he turned away. and l
gave the brig my attention We ran down
to within a half a mile Of her before
our engines were stopped Only three
men were visible on her deck. and she
hadn't boat in sight. The trio
beckoned and motioned that we should
send a boat, and the captain gave orders
that one should be lowered.
1T will be case Of fever" he said
with all the officers and most of the
men down" and the surgeon was sent
of with. the boat which was in charge
Of the second mate. Eight OF our crew
were thus taken. The boat had pulled
half the distance to the brig when We
had something nearer home to attract
attention. The sleek, slick little Jimmy
suddenly held a cooked revolver to the
captains ear and marched him into his
stateroom. Fourteen of the railroad"
men from the steerage, each armed with
pistol and knife, suddenly appeared
among US, and II wasn't three minutes
before the whole crowd OF US were in
the cabin and guard over us. The
engine room was taken possession OF
at the same time. and the Ocean Queen
had been taken possession of without a
shot being fired The brig was lying
broadside to us. She had two boats
down on the far side. with fifteen men
in each boat. and as soon as they had
pulled around and captured our yawl
one boat load Of the rascals came
The Washington herald., 1914-07-12

by George, why not"'
How about a serial storyT
II am looking for one"
And once a week a sermon by DR..
Parkhurst?"
Il will write to him today. By George,
but what suggestions
DO you think that the members would
stand for a daily 'Heart-To-Heart-Talk 20
was asked.
You bet they would" was the en-
phatic reply. TN bet one can find one
Of Bertha Clay's novels in the desk OF
almost every member. It's a winner Of
suggestion"
Can you repeat the Ten Command
ments7"
Lands, no, nor the half Of them"
do you think any member Of Congress
cam"
mot a darn one Of them"
Chuck them in on the first page and
let them appear daily"
Consider them chucked. 1t may make
the chaplaIns a little grouchy to have
me butt in. but they ought TO have seen
to this matter long ago. Why. all gov
ernments except that of Mexico are
founded on the Ten Commandments"
IT was going to suggest a column Of
Household Recipes. but I dunno"
But that suggests something better.
Give up half a column day 20 recipes
for mixing cocktails and other drinks"
You've struck it,"
ITS a grand idea II you can carry
out the things we have talked about.
you can make the old Congressional
Globe hum like a beehive"
"Tn do it or break a leg! Must you
go?"
After one more suggestion. What
about the agricultural hints?"
I'VE shall have them. 1 will order
cabbages and turnips this very day.
Write something for me on bull calves
and early potatoes and I'll double-lead
it."
The only thing that stands in the way
of our becoming the greatest literary
nation on earth is the Congressional
Globe. It must be improved or go.
The Washington herald., 1914-07-12

the summons. and received a bundle In
which she bore to the sitting-room.
There must be some mistake" said
Mrs. Bowser. II have ordered nothing
sent up today"
There is no mistake about IT," re-
piled Mr.. Bowser. That is a hammock
I bought this afternoon at 20 per cent
of. because it was late in the season.
But we have no place for ham
mock"
Haven't we got a backyardT'
Yes. but there is no shady spot for
a hammock"
Il am not looking for shady spots, Mrs
Bowser. 1 want you to talk sensible for
once in your life. Do you know that I
have got TO harden myself up for the
coming dog days or run a terrible risk OF
first hot wave?'
NO. I didn't know IT. I thought you
were in splendid health. Only last night
heard you telling Brown"
Never mind what I told Brown A
man may be at deaths door and yet
not like to have people talking about
1t and sympathizinG. / may look well
and have a good appetite. but the fact
remains that a pun would blow out the
fame Of life. have kept this fact from
you for weeks and weeks. but feel you
ought to know it,
And that hammock is going TO save
you from being pufred out?" she asked
as the family cat came out from under
the piano TO take a hand in the game.
Il hope and trust 1t is. Acting under
the advice of one OF the best doctors in
town. I am going to try and harden my
self up before the hot weather arrives.
I shall put that hammock Up in the
backyard this evening""
And that will harden yOu9''
And I shall pass the night in tbs
hammock-many nights. The doctor saws
I must have a free circulation Of air,
and that instead of avoiding the nigh:
dews l must revel in them, 90 TO say.
Man was never born TO sleep in a bed
as We do. Adam rested at night under
tree. So did all the other men for
hundreds of years. Whenever you find
the hardest men you find men who Keep
in the open air by day and night. /
have coddled myself up too much
We'll. when you have a sore throat
a cold in the head and are aching with
rheumatism from head to heel. perhaps
you'll keep on coddling!" she answered.
''Any doctor who told you such stun
for truth is an idot"'
There you co." exclaimed Mr.. Bow
ser as he began TO pace up and down
the room. followed by the cat. II might
have known you wouldn't talk sense.
/ never start in to better my health but
you oppose the idea. II you are hoping
! may collapse on the street and be
brought home as dead as a doOrnaiI.
why don't you say so, and have done
with it?"
Go ahead with your hammock cure"
she quietly replied. IF the doctor said
The Washington herald., 1914-07-12

editor who handles the copy to write in
the proper places (Applause.'O C'Hear!
Hear!"D c'Great laughter.'D C"Continuous
Cheering.'O c'Tremendous enthusiasm.D
And his constituents really believe that
speech was delivered?" asked the P. D.
Q. man.
They sure do. Uncle Jerry Simpson
gets copy at the village postofice and
takes it home, and when he gets to that
speech he turns TO his wife and says:
BY hokey, Hammer, we made no mis-
The Washington herald., 1914-07-12

There was no red lantern as a danger
signal.
There was no raven to croak.
There was no warning in the evening
breeze.
er OF the World quits work when the
whistle blows the Bowser door-bell was
yanked.
The cook took her hands out OF the
dishwater 10 run up stairs and answer
The Washington herald., 1914-07-12

face?" he demanded as he turned on
her Don't you suppose I know all
about your little plot to have me killed
murdered. assassinated in my own back
yard? l say. dare you"
You'd better come 10 bed" she quietly
replied; and she vent upstairs and he
slowly followed and hadn't another word
to say.
The Washington herald., 1914-07-12

feet Of the hammock. The canine had
crept under the alley fence and the
Bowser cat hadn't waited to ask any
questions.
by thunder! can't a man find five
minutes peace in his own back yard?'
shouted Mr.. Bowser as he rolled out and
looked for a clothes prop as 4 weapon
Of offense.