South Bend news-times. (South Bend, Ind.) 1913-1938, 1914-09-11
Dentists Bill Brings
Goldberg Gold Coins
For Fifty-Franc Note
BY X. l. GOLDBERG.

By X. L. GOLDBERG.
While l realize that the minds and
sympathies of the good people in
America must be thoroughly attuned
to the awful meaning of the European
death struggle, still the reading of war
bulletins is not quite so vivid as the
experience of sitting on a French
wharf with nothing to connect you
with the peaceful fields across the At
lantic but hope and a headache.
| am out of the range of the ma
chimes of slaughter. and l am also out
of the range of square meal Fortu-
nately. the tobacco in my pipe is so
bad that my sensibilities are be
numbed TO the extent of being un-
able to feel the stress of present
events The days of mobilization that
caught me in Paris with a three days
growth of watercresS on my upper lip
were my last moments of conscious
existence, and / go back to them by
way of the ethereal route lest COM
plete darkness crowd in upon me and
place my name on the list of casual
ties.
am seated in Weber's with my fell
low refugees, the Blonde, the Brunette
and the Redhead They are weak,
defenseless women, caught in the vor-
tex of a terrible whirlpool of arms
and sentiment. and need the protec-
hand. They mistake the fuZz on my
upper lip for a sign of power, and
this gives me the courage TO step into
the breach anC assume the attitude of
what they think l am.
Male Superiority Shown.
I start showing them the superior
ity of the male sex in time of trouble
by buying them food.
The band is playing the national
of
Russia. Many soldiers are eating
their last regular meal. They are
saving Eau reVOir" to hot cOnsomme
and cold vintage wines.
our waiter talks French exclusively,
but has a face like an Ulster patriot.
AS he moves toward the kitchen he
gives the appearance of billiard ball
going down the alley for a spare. He
walks as though he were trying to
gather enough money together to buy
himself an invalid chair. He IS TOO
busy fighting his mortal enemy, lum-
bago, to take an active interest IN
trivial things like world warfare.
Naturally, l feel encouraged. All
I have to do is to subdue a sick waiter
and three estimable ladies will call
How I'll miss Paris" said the
Blonde. Il can't live without the
adulation of the French boule-
vardiers.'
"I'u bet my poor mother hasn't
darned a sock since the war broke
out" said Redhead. Shes helpless
when she's worried about me-"
What do you think" exclaimed the
cheerful Brunette; they're going TO
put us all in the Bastile and make US
crochet shoelaces for the army!
Gallant Goldberg Goes the Limit.
The poor girls needed confidence. /
only had about L confines worth OF
il on my own person at the time, but
I was determined TO exploit 1t to its
fullest extent.
asked the lumbago patient for the
check "L'additiOn. Tradition
yelled in in my California French'
Water-eyed Leon, whose name was
probably Maurice or Armand, came
with the bad news and SAID
Thanks. Phil. 1t was $ francs.
They were not accepting any larse
paper bills. A 30 franc note was all
I had Here was a chance 10 make
good with my fair friends and let
them feel the fear-not -Ittle-one power
about them.
Iumbago Dick took my so franc
note not having enough interest IN
life TO turn me down. lie shuIneo
over TO Mrs. Weber, VINO was IN
trenched behind the cash desk, and
laid il in front of her. She dictated
a synopsis Of Les Miserable with
appropriate physical punctuation ana
aimed Rheumatism Edmund back at
me. Jacques brought back the 90
franc note and told me there Was
nothing doing At least. l think ne
told me there was nothing doing. Ills
high G was a bit metallic.
The girls we're losing faith IN me.
Uses Cab Driver Model.
suddenly recalled how a CAP
driver had once frightened me into
having an eXorbitant fee by turning
purple and doing a violent club
swinging act without dumbbells. 30
/ I pulled my necktie so tight that my
7 face took on the complexion OF a
| shrimp and waved my arms in all di-
rections, knocking over four salt eel
/ lars and a decanter.
Gouty Ferdinand took one look and
/ ran back TO Mrs. Weber. Her lips
moved quickly and the invalid came
| back 10 me. I was still exercising
! strenuously Pour Raoul ran back
and forth between Mrs. Weber and
me until his shoes were worn out. The
/ manager of the place picked him VI
and deposited him gently in a finger
i bowl.
Then he came TO me and explained
that he had no gold or silver in the
/ house but would keep my 90 franc
note until l came back tomorrow with