United labor bulletin., 1914-09-05
"A Wonderful Man
Intellectual Colossus
Is Business Agent


mentally. He must be a genius in di-
plomacy. possess the cunning of a Sher-
lock Holmes. the power OF persuasion,
gift of argument, wear smile of
= option or the meaningless counte-
nance that would deceive the prince of
poker players. have disposition of a
parson or priest-,Job like-and a Chris
tain temperament that would entitle
him to honorary membership in Rookie
feller's Bible class At times he must
be an advocate OF the Bryan grape juice
doctrine and at others a booster of the
interests of the booze seller, the pos
SCISSOR of thirst for beer and alco-
holic drinks that would make red
nosed bum envious of his capacity. In
this dual character is where the art
of diplomacy is played. One false step
and all is lost.
1t is one of the unwritten laws of
the union labor man that his business
agent must be possessed of n lung
power akin to the coast fog horn, yet
at times must so modulate his voice
that his work along that line would
lInake an undertaken blush. While not
required to boast college degree, he
is supposed to know everything. hu.
man encyclopedia. a bureau of intelli-
gence, while at other times he is only
required to possess ordinary human in
telliEence little ABOVE the
kingdom-say OF the monkey.
Physically he must possess great
powers OF endurance. visit every job in
his town where members of his craft
are working or should hold jobs. He
must know OF every building permit is
sued. who the owner of the proposed
building j.. the contractor and cost of
the work. II the contractor is not
friend OF the union, he must get busy
and bring the contractor around to run
a closed shop. II he fails he must Sher-
lock HOLMES the job. get into the build
ing, personally make a census OF the
men working there and proceed then and
there TO uniouize the job from the wa
terbov 10 the general superintendent.
II ho fails here he j. charged with
cowardize. inefficiency and general in
competency n the "scabr workmen
object TO the proselytinE Of the busi-
ness agent and start a rough house, he
must put up a fight or make his es-
cape a. best he can One Of the stellar
accomplishments H. to scent trouble at
long distance. BY wireless. n it were,
and be there when IL breaks and dis
courage the scrap.
Despite the fact that he l. expected
to make the rounds daily Of every job
in the city. organize non-union work
men. bust up the open shops and turn
them into closed shops. he gets q roast
from every member of the union out
OF work who calls at his office and
finds him away. Then he l. expected
. 20 have the price whenever he is
touched by men out of work. II he
fails to come across with coin of the
realm he il dubbed n tightwad- The
right he possesses TO hand out coin in
hi official position TO all comers-with
never a chance OF getting a cent of II
back on expense accounts one of the
AlEed pcrquisitcs Of the job When he
assumes the responsibilities of the posi-.
tion he absolutely belongs body and soul
To his union. He is away from home
so long that when he returns TO his
domicilc he must be armed with let.
ter Of introduction to his beiter-half.
Among his multifarious duties he must
be tionalist, old man eloquent.
public speaker. ready for debate, forti-
fled with statistics of every kind, know
by heart the constitutions. bylaws and
general orders Of every labor union in
the country. His vocabulary must have
Webster beat a mile and he must have
n definition and derivation to fit every
word in the English language Among
the duties he is called upon TO per.
form j.. to advise his union, bluff the
captains of industry and Napoleons of
finance. make a reputation as peace
maker as well az become famous as a
professional brewer of trouble when oc-
casion demands for "thc good OF the
cause"
should he survive the many hard
ships and dangers of a full term in
office-he is not permitted to die in Of
flee without the unanimous consent of
his union--he has aged quarter of
century, looks haggard, has hunted
look and reaches for his hip pocket on
the slightest sound in his rear as
matter of long practice in the art of
sclf-protection in drawing first. But
his mind Is made up He knows-cS-
pericncc has taught him. His slogan is
'Ncvcr Again" You might induce him
to join the anarchists. safcblowers or
even become an inmate for life in
penal institution where they wear
funny clothes and cut the hair close;
take n Job with the I. w. w. sabotage
|, squad or do the blind man act" on
some corner selling pencils and matches,
but all the armies of Emperor William
could not drive him into n second term
not he. Az matter of keeping up
the excitement without the personal
+. responsibility to his union he usually
retircs after one term, joins pirate
shin or body of brgands or becomes
patriot in Mexico and nothing more is
. heard of him.
From the savings of his princely sal
ary he usually accumlates large for.
tune. which he bequeaths TO his fam
lily before disapPcaring--nt These are
few things that a business agent is.
Failure to mention the thousands OF
things expected of him come under the
head of sins Of omission and commits.
sion upon which his union can, and al
ways does, base the weekly roast II
handed him when the boys gets together