The Washington herald., 1914-06-07
P. D. @, INTERVIEWS
The Gentleman That Invented the Income Tax

mon. All, that brings the water to
my mouth! The big trees Of the Yose-
mite-Niagara FallD--the Atlantic In
's storm-what can compare with =
fully-loaIed persimrcon tree as the firs.
frost comes, You climb 1t. You take
a seat o.. a limb. You reach out win
both hands. You eat on both sides of
your mouth--s -h-n, That's what the
Garden OF Eden laeked-the persim-
mon" ." .--f
Mr.. Underwood" said the interview
er, who had waited his chance. about
that income tax?"
did you fill out a bIank?" he asked
in reply.
'T did"
Ibid you lie with blazes?"
Il did"
"Then 1 don't see what there is to
talk about. Did you ever go chest
nutting?"
Honorable, when you drew that bill
didn't you realize that FIVE men out of
every ten would lie about their in
comes?"
II might have inquired on eight out
of ten,"
-"rhen wen become a nation of liars
within three years.
zone might figure that way"
And can you defend such a situa-
tion?"
"I am not defending 1t. II a man
Is a liar why not make 1t easy for
him? Why not give him a show to
lie where there is a chance to trip him
up? And you know We need the money.
There are a thousand villages in the
United States that need and must have
ar appropriation of s50.0o0 for a new
rostofice. A thousand rivers and har-
bors are filling up with old shoes and
tomato cans, and II will take the long
green to dredge them out
"And how much of It will be graft?"
was asked.
"Please don't use the term. Congress
must investigate the high cost of living
again, and that will cost a round sum-"
But what good did the former in
restigation do?"
'It showed that the farmer was lying
abed an hour later than he used to.
And 1t will take hundreds OF thousands
Of dollars to investigate and report on
the yearly damage done to the huckle-
berry crop by the spotted woodchuck.
Oh, yes, We need the money, and you
boys must toe the mark. If old John
D. and Hetty Green had donated a
billion apiece to Uncle Sam We might
have scraped along, but they wouldn't
play in our back yard.
Honorable. do you believe it Is a
settled thing?" was asked.
''What-the lying?"
Yes, and the income tax"
They both go together. Yes. it is
settled right enough, except that the
per cent will be increased We have got
to pay for living in the United States in
stead of Africa, but I guess they have
pretty good times over there when mis-
cs<r ,av{. MI arl e.,
tion for roasting"
And is the grating to keep right on?"
"Grafting? Grafting?"
Yes, the pork barrel appropriations"
''That's a new one on me. know MEM
bers of Congress with whom l would not
trade jack-knives, but / guess they are
honest about other things. You see. my
son, II their constituents don't get an
appropriation for a postofice with a tower
on top. or to dredge a creek two feet
deep so that an ocean liner can come up
Europe they vote for the other fellow
next time"
Honorable. do you call this a free coun-
try?" was asked.
THE freest on earth, my boy"
"But IL the government isn't satisfied
as to your income statement. it can haul
you out of bed at midnight to question
you"
But if they can't convict you of per-
jury you have a recourse in a suit for
damages, and what you get will be all
velvet I thought of all these things in
drawing the bill"
Then you think that things in general
are all right-all right?"
Couldn't be Fighter. my son. Just
think it over. The biggest crop of pea
nuts we ever had; all the spotted cows in
the country had twin calves in the spring;
farmers hired men getting up at o'clock
in the morning without a row; wages of
hired girls on the rise; beef got as high
and tough as it can ever go; grafters
made 100000 on the highway contracts
of New York State. and nobody sent to
prison; 100000 barrels of whisky to be
released from bond this year; money can
be had by just picking a mans pocket
and the goose hangs high and there isn't
an ice trust in sight. Go back to your
town and give my love to Chauncey De-
pew, and tell him he is missed here
whenever a Senator wants to shake dice
for his cocktails"
THE p. d. Q. MAN.