davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington herald., 1914-11-01
MADE IN GERMANY
And Imported Free of An Duties

..Den you vhas bounced out NIT one
How was dotr'
You. vhas a disappointment to der
because I vhas honest?r
"Oxactly. Der people Ike 10 say you
vhas a CRATER, and demand q reform
sandidate; and II you yhss honest how
don't belief him, und 1 vhas honest
all der time, but when I like to run
again vhas bounced forty rods high.
Sometimes I feel dot life vhas not
worth der living, und sometimes / feel
dot rather be here dan oop among der
angels. Der times When / feel dis last
vhay Vhas when / hear dot Snyder, der
grocer, vhas saying dot / vhas a dead
beat because l owe him nine dollars.
goes by his place md says:
Hey, Mister Snyder. vhas I some dead
beats?'
You vhas." he says
How vhas r.
Because you owe me nine dollars und
Mister Snyder" says ash I pulls
oudt big roll Of money. here vhas your
nine dollars, und your ten und your
'leven. und you shall give me a receipt
Il shall trust you for feefty dollar"
NO; you won't! 1 take my trade to dot
Yankee oafer on der corner, und my
first order vhas for one hoonered dollars
worth OF dill pickles! Ha, Mister Sny-
der-ha!"
All my life up to a year ago, 1 look
for man to come along und gif me
The Washington herald., 1914-11-01
YOUTHS NATURAL HISTORY

No one has yet been able to make out
why the whale was built on the large
and liberal plans of two million dollar
city hail. but We must take him as we
find him and look with wonder and
amazement at his vast proportions. He
needn't have been more than half as big
as he is to be the boss OF the Atlantic
and other oceans. but as there was room
for him to keep on growing and It didn't
made q success Of It / do not wish to
state the size that some whales attain.
as a person who meets up with some
thing extra In the whale line doesn't al
ways happen to have tape-line in his
pocket. but IL the reader can imagine
three hay stacks. two Lighthouses. six or
eight bfllboards. an ice wagon and q
moving van all mixed up together and
flung into the ocean, he viii get q pretty
good idea of the bulk Of the leviathan
OF the deep when he is full grown.
The average life Of q whale is not
known. II two or three thousand years
agoShe had kept his tail stili long enough
to permit q painter to stencil on the
date we might have kept track OF him
and get close to the exact date of his
death. but his tail was s'elways too busy
TO stop for a minute. It Ii asserted by
some that after 15o years the leviathan
begins to lose some Of his friskiness. and
q few years later Is found dead In his
bed some morning OF old age, but others
consider that he goes sloshing around
and knocking things endways till he
reaches the respectable age of 500
The whale himself doesn't care q cent
which statement you take. II It was so
that you could open a whales mouth and
look at his teeth, his age could quickly
be determined and all doubt set at rest.
but unfortunately for the student Of
natural history, every man who has
tried that little trick has gone down the
monsters throat and failed to return.
It is the opinion Of New England whal-
ing captains that a whale lives about
200 years. II he does not fall on fence
or down q well and II IL probably just
as wen to let It 90 ct that
The Washington herald., 1914-11-01

II belief maype you vhas on some
vacations" said the German grocer az
the janitor Of Paradise Flats showed W
the other day for the first time in weeks.
.-No, / have had no vacation, and
don't expect any" was the reply. You
see, am janitor with the asthma, and
If my asthma would permit me to take
a vacation it would permit me to wash
the windows and sweep the halls. I've
got to be consistent about things, you
know. shall take my vacation in. an
armchair in the basement and l shall
take due care that none Of the tenants
forget what a fragile physique I've got
You know what physique is, don't you,
Mr.. Wasserman?"
He vhas something's to do nit shump-
ing around. maype?"
Yes. that's it; and I don't purpose 70
jump around. In the first place. Janitor
should move with dignity when he moves
at all, and in the next it's beneath his
position to wrangie about goats, dogs,
and children in the balls It also gives
chic to fiat to have a janitor around
who doesn't sweat his collar on q hot
day. / think know my gait, Mr.. Was
serman-I think know II exactly"
well, how vhas all dose bad peoples?"
asked the grocer after an admiring
glance at the janitor.
Just the same-no better, no worse.
They are still trying to out-do each other,
and that keeps things lively around the
house"
'Und does some one pull hair?"
The Washington herald., 1914-11-01
A BLIND MANS FIGHT

was ready to fly at the others throat on
the smallest provocation the case be-
came serious They were not only good
men for the OUTFIT, each earning the high
est wages paid, but they were game
was surer than that one would be killed.
The affair had gone on for seven OF
eight months before the outbreak came.
We were in Santa Fe, making ready for
a start East when the Mexican, one
evening. approached a fire beside which
Hines sat alone and threw a package
Of powder on the blaze. With a lean
aside he escaped consequences, but Jack
Hines was blinded for life. It was a
contemplate thing to do, and but for
the civil authorities the Mexican would
have been lynched. As It was, he was
kicked and beaten and bounced out Of
camp. A day or two later, as the girl
had gone back on him, he tried to carry
her on by force, but had to let her 60
when she stabbed him. Hines depended
on her pity in his misfortune, but she
calmly told him that a blind husband
would be Of no use to her and laughed
his tears to scorn. He had q relative
IN tne CITY ana was tdhen IN ana cared
for, while the Mexican crossed the Rio
Grande for a time. It was a year later,
and Jacks old outfit and all his friends
happened TO be in Santa Fe again when
Don returned. He had grown uglier
and meaner In the twelve months. We
would have picked fuss with him and
shot him down, but Jack Hines had no
sooner heard Of his presence than he
said:
Boys, you must arrange for duel.
Z shaH never rest content until I have
killed that Mexicanr'
But You are bIind!'' We protested.
Never mind that. I must fight him
and kin him. blind or not. and the whole
Of Santa Fe shall look onp'
When we found that he would have =
50, we carried a challenge 10 Don. :.
also asked the authorities to let Us have
a public duel Some weak objections
were made. but they yielded the point.
A fight OF some sort was an hourly in-
cident. and duels came on two or fhree
times per week. The Mexican laughed in
derision at the idea. but readily ac-
cepted the challenge.
Yes, j viii meet the Americano,T he
said. and viii slice and cut and prick
The Washington herald., 1914-11-01

It rose to wrath when he found 9
darning needle on the lower step.
Mrs. Bowser was in the hall when be
entered the house. but he got out Of his
out noticing her. Like a diplomatic
woman. she took no notice Of his con;
duct, and though he growled and
grumbled over the dinner, she prevent
ed his breaking loose. When the meal
was finished, however, Mr.. Bowser could
hold in no longer. He stood In the mid
die of the sitting room and looked around
for an excuse to begin the business OF
minutes to find one, but he finally no
ICED that a caster had dropped out OF
<.he leg Of a chair, and he led on with:
SO you've been at it again. have
"At whatg' she quietly asked
AT smashing up the furniture with
a crowbar! II isn't enough that the roof
leaks. half the windows are broken. the
door knobs all Of, but you must seek 70
destroy what's left! Look at that chair.
Il see the chair. One of the casters
And how did 1t come outl'' be shout
ed. You probably spent half the aft
ernoon whacking away at the chair with
crowbar, club or sledge-hammer. Why
didn't you smash 1t to kindlIng wood: :
be done with it7 II there's another
house In America"
Mr.. Bowser, don't speak to me that
wayi" she exclaimed as she rose up. II
know what you were going to say. but
just let me tell you that this house Is
run all right-as right as any other in
America As to the chair, you hung
yourself down upon II the other night
and broke II. and it's your business 10
make repairs or send 1t AWAY
''You-you are speaking to me?' he
stammered, as his eyes opened very
wide.
speaking right to you. Mr.. Bowser!
I am not in the habit OF talking to the
walls or the furniture. Please sit down
while I talk to you
"Woman-do-do-
That's all right, Mr.. Bowser-sit
down Now, then, there are no leaks in
the roof OF this house. II there are.
then you caused them by going up and
cutting through the tin with an az. Not
a pane Of glass Is broken; not a door
knob on; not a piece OF furniture out
of repair except that chair. Something
went wrong with you today, but You must
either change your tune at once or put
on your hat and take a walk"
''Wh-whatl You talk that way to me
to your husbGndl" howled Mr.. Bowser.
as he leaped to his feet and his hair
stood up.
''Be calm" she replied. "a wife has all
the rights q husband has in this coun-
The Washington herald., 1914-11-01

for one hour by the watch before give
him the grand finishl The crowd that
looks on win see some OF the finest
knife-play even shown on this side Of
the river. Tomorrow at noon,. en-? I
will be as prompt as the sum-
You may believe that when the report
spread about there was great excite
ment. It was generally believed that the
blind man would fall an easy victim, but
even his best friends said that he had
better die with knife in his hand than
to live in g helpless state the rest of
his belief that he would triumph. His
hearing had become as acute as fox's,
and he would make his ears see for him.
He was In perfect health. had the nerve
and courage Of lion, and he believed
At high noon of an August day over
1000 people, many OF whom were women,
assembled on the smooth turf to wit
ropes was Iormed and the spectators
formed another. It was to be a duel
with knives, and seconds and a referee
were appointed. After each I'VE minutes
the spectators was the girl who had
caused 1t all, and she was free to say
she didn't care who trfumphed. Each
man was allowed to wrap his left arm in
advising was forbidden. The blind man
was pale-faced and nervous as the fight
began. but his hard-shut teeth told Of
the determination In his heart The
Mexican was all bows and smiles and
confidence. and as he was known to be
an adept with the knife a groan went
about the circle as the two stepped for
ward to open the fight.
That duel was something to be remem-
bered for all time. From the blind mans
movements no one could have told that
he was sighuess- For four fve-minute
rounds they fought, with only a few.
trtning scratches on either side. but II
there was any advantage II was on the
side Of the American. who had the fun
sympathy Of the crowd. Mexicans and
all When they came out for the NTH
round Don winked and chuckIed and
said II was time he began slicing ears
on Hines had located his man &c q
hairs breadth. and as they faced each
other the American leaped forward like
a fash. caught the knife on HIS and threw
" TO the left. and the next Instant his
own blade had found the heart Of the
an who had blinded him. We who were
only hve feet away could not follow the
movement. 50 swiftly was 1t made. but
II was successful one. and OF course
ended the fight. Hines told me that
during the fight he seemed to see every
move and motion made by the other
and from the first felt sure OF victory. A5
public purse amounting to over q fhou-
sand dollars was raised for him on the
spot. and about i've hundred was sub
seouently added. and he was sent East
to some Institution and Is today e teacher
OF the blind and q man too tender-hsart-
ed to KIN ny.
The Washington herald., 1914-11-01
JOLLY JACK SHARK

II the shark Of today attains the size
and length Of a saw log, he goes along
the coast and shows himself on to sum-
mer visitors as a big thing, but he would
have been small potatoes during the pre-
historic age. At that time nature was
turning out sharks by the cartload, and
the smallest Of the lot averaged forty
feet long and could seat half a dozen
sailors without Ioosening his belt. As
for something extra in the shark line,
fish seventy and eighty feet long with
two or three batrelfuls of teeth, as an
outfit. were .gambolinE along the coast In
schools. Half a dozen of such fish could
ca: up everything in Noah's Ark and
then rub their hungry bulks against its
keel The shark OF today has got teeth
scarcely larger than a cats, and the
leg-bone Of an old Jack Tar gives
him no end Of bother, and this proves
that in time he viii degenerate into
clam and be feared by none. Way back
in the dim past. when the shark was
busy from sunrise to sunset. he had teeth
three times as big as any horse, and
what he couldn't bite through after TAX
ing long breath was put aside for the
children to use when teething
No one exactly knows just what the
whales mission Is. but there is no doubt
that nature intended the shark to be the
seavenger Of the sea. II she didn't, he
walked into the job Just the same. and
Is holding II down in good shape. Now
and then an old beer-keg or an old rub
Der boot lodges the shark and comes
ashore at Coney Island. but that is an
accident. II Is his firm intention to de-
YOUR everything finding its way into the
sea. whether Il be a man-of-war or a
poodle dog. and he wastes no time in
loafing about. II Is asserted by some
writer's on natural history that the shark
prefers corn beef 10 the juciest Of SAIL
ors. This may be so, but the trouble is
to get the beef to him before he gets the
sailor. The captain Of a ship always
wants to see the meat weighed out and
paid for before any experiments are
tried. While instances have been known
where men have fallen into the sea
among these yoracious fish and come to
no harm, other cases can be cited where
the victim had scarcely struck the wa
ter before he was through paying gas
bills forever. Sharks may have their
con days the same as human beings.
We all know that there are days when
We turn from watermelon and long for
something sour
The Washington herald., 1914-11-01

OF all the inhabitants of the sea
known to man the shark is the only
one that won't hold still to have his
back scratched with a corncob. He re-
fuses to have anything to do with man
except to eat him and therefore no one
ever hears Of q shark going around and
telling how he has been fiim-hammed by
sailors and fiim-fammed by fishermen.
He Is a fish that attends strictly to busi-
ness and that business Is getting enough
to eat Nature set out to give him the
appetite of farmers hired man, but
through some mistake she overdid the
business and left him constantly hungry.
A whale will be satisfied to haul on and
wipe his mouth after devouring a dog.
a sailor and q barrel Of salt pork, but
the shark Is ready for more as soon as
the last gulp Is down.
The porpoise Is very particular about
his food being fresh and served on a
sandy bottom and the dolphin wants
everything on the ice, but the shark
takes everything set before him and
makes no kick. II the cook of ship
throws him empty beer bottles and cob
blestones wrapped In tissue paper, he
takes them in with thanks, and II a
sailor is cast overheard he Is eaten with
out any reference to his politics or re-
ligion. Almost every bird. animal or
fish have a favorite dish, but II the shark
prefers one thing from another no one
has yet found It out. He may be lit
tie longer gulping down bag Of horse
shoe nails than a first-class passenger.
but he counts 1t all in the days work.
The Chinese once believed that every
one eaten by a shark would be sure to
go to Paradise, and thousands Of WALL
eyed heathens who had gotten tired Of
this world and wanted change. used
to jump OF the docks and be taken in.
After this had been going on for half q
century, the Chinaman began to have his
doubts. the result was the sharks had to
set ur a taste for dogs. In the waters
OF India It Is still Considered the proper
thing for q son to throw his father and
mother to the sharks to insure them a
happy home IN their old age. and among
the Spice Islands a child who cries with
the collie is thrnwn TO the sharks and
thus cured
The Washington herald., 1914-11-01

soneting for nottings. He finally ar
rived. 1t vhas der small pox he gIf
me. und my doctors bill vhas $50. I
don't vhant any more good things unless
l pay der cash
In sooch DAYS OF high cost for living
IL vhas wise to study economy, but I
am wondering II my neighbor vhas not
carrying il to extremes. He figures
dot IL costs him six cents a day to sup
port his dog, und dot der tail took a
cent Of dot sum. He therefore had der
tail chopped on. It may occur to him
to knock out his wife's teeth. und there
by save as mooch as feefteen cent day.
1t vhas all in your having some pres
ence Of mind. One time | meet a lady
stop to talk about der Mexican situa-
ton When I goes in der house my wife
says:
What you talk about nit Mrs. Brown
"Oh, about Mexico" / says.
Il don't belief II, and she vhas a
fiirt OF a womans"
Two weeks later 1 meet dot Mrs.
Brown again. und when 1 goes in my
:'vheil, vhas it more Mexico init dot
womansT
"Oh, no. She stops me to say dot You
vhas looking younger dan fife years ago"
Mrs Brown vhas lady, and / owe
her call Iund must pay 1t tomorrow"
says my wife
A pleasant lie ALWAYS beats der plain
truth.
The Washington herald., 1914-11-01

The whale when left at peace in his
native element Is good-natured, obIiging
and seldom out Of temper. He knows
that he can lick anything he comes
across, and he Is not foolish enough to
let a Goldfish or a founder provoke him
out Of his dignity. He just goes swim
ming up and down the sea from Sunday
morning to Saturday night. and II there
Is anything good going he just grabs
1t. 1t Is an ideal life with nothing to do,
and the whole ocean to do 1t in, and
1t is no wonder that the overwkked
elephant sometimes complains of his
hard lot It is only when man goes
forth to bring In the Isviathan for his
oil to grease up the grindstone that the
big fish shows the other side of his
character. Tickled with harpoons,
plagued by lances and harassed by
bombs he backs into a corner like a
baldheaded man with weak chin and
fights TIL death. When a whale is first
struck by a harpoon, he starts up like
boy who has sat down on u carpet
tack. and his hrst dee Is to get on
whether he has run against wire fence
or picked up a darning needle, but as
the whalers keep right after him and
ne ESAllAes lnat ne 10 DelnB nunLeO 10 MS
death for soap grease, his modest re-
firing and peaceful nature vanishes away
as he Is aroused to fury. Then he turns
on his pursuers and gets up as many fu-
nerals as he can before yielding up his
own life.
"A whale has been known to rush upon
q ship and send her to the bottom with
one mighty bunt. Of his head. An In
stance can be cited where he has wreck
ed five or six boats. killed a score OF
men and then made on to take up his
old business. As a rule. however, they
only knock the masts out of q ship
smash away her keel and destroy all the
provisions except barrel OF salt pork
and q few kegs of nails He goes this
far only in order that the captain may
be able to work the wreck by to Marble
Head or Providence on one meal and two
drinks per week. and tell his story to
his friends and nelghb0rs II Is said
by some naturalists that whales are CUB
jected to various diseases, and leviathans
with the asthma, rheumatism. liver COM
plant and eonsumpticn are to be met
with now and then A whales big
enough to take care OF himself. no nac
ter what tackles him. and he always
has cod liver oil on TOP to use AZ q REM
ooy.
The Washington herald., 1914-11-01

try. and one Of her rights Is to talk.
You didn't seem 20 like the steak at
steak, Mr. Bowser. and the coffee was
excellent However, II you can DO bet
ter at q cafe have no objections. Per-
haps i would be as well for you TO Sc
twop'
Mr.. Bewser sat down. He sat down
because his head whirled and he was
wondering where he was at.
You complain about things being
broken" she continued. Nothing is ever
broken except by you. You go slashing
around like q rhinoceros turned loose,
and IT'S a wonder. we have a whole piece
Of furniture In the house. II the door
knobs were not on TO stay you'd have
slammed them on long ago. You broke
four glasses In trying to get one on the
buffet the other night, and this morning
your dresser and drag one OF the win
dow curtains down. Nice sort OF man
you are to talk about my using sledge-
hammers and crowbarsp
She heard a gurgling, gasping sound
from the direction Of Mr.. Bowser. and
glanced that way to note his bulging
eyes and red face and open mouth.
ference OF opinion" she said, as she
turned away. because I differed with
you. you got up and tramped around the
room and said Il was no wonder that
spend their evenings In saloons. When
you see fit to take a drink. Mr.. Bowser.
don't stop to consult me. just go on,
and get your ginger ale and II I ind
quilt over you to keep the frost out I
have heard that saloons are very at
tractive places. II you prefer them to
your home. go ahead. and you needn't
be in q hurry about getting homer
That was Mrs. Bowser talking, but
though she was sitting In a chair. she
seemed to Mr.. Bowser to be whirling
round and round. His eyes blurred and
there was a lump In his throat. and he
hardly breathed as he waited for her
The Washington herald., 1914-11-01

/ brought home q 80 box Of cigars thai
same night. Just remember that ] am
an equal partner with you in money mat
longs 10 me. morally and legally. II you
can smoke l5-cent cigars can wear silk
stockings at - per pair. As a rule. thu
more husband squanders the more he
expects his wife to save. but Wen change
Mr. Bowser rose up and stood for a
moment. and he also extended an arm
and opened bis mouth: The words
back and wondered II IL was a case of
heart failure or paralysis.
Now and them" went on Mrs. Bowser,
,S. as she rocked to 5 aHd fro b ana looked At
brought up in the country. and pat
ronlzingly praise me because / am not q
fool Yes, I was brought up In the
a knife and drank tea out OF saucer
the first time / saw youl"
by the great horn spoon. woman"'
shrieked Mr.: Bowser as he bounded to his
feet. but she stopped him right there
''As to intellect, could have more, ana
the same thing ais you. As matter of
fact s, y.,S can't b; stcs y0g gs.p point It:
sun. from the best way TO tan a coon
skin to the last political movements in
Europe. III go out of business. Hold
are continually criticisinG my housekeep-
ing. ! A wife should strive to please her
husband In such things. but II he won't
be pleased with her efforts then let
him hire a housekeeper or take his meals
out You claim to be q good business
man, but you have been beaten half a
dozen times IN the last year. could
have criticised you. but I didn't"
"And thls-this toto mer' he managed
to gasp out.
All to you. Mr.. Bowser. and Just q
word more. When I think cau-do bet
ter I shall pack up my traps and get
Of policy. People are foolish to lfye to-
gethef when they can't take comfort. I've
got a few lettefs 10 write and will now
The Washington herald., 1914-11-01

No, there hasn't been anything of that
sort for the last two months When
women quarrel, they try to hurt each
others feelings, you know. Up to the last
of August the BARRIERS wife and the
Countess Divito had Mrs. O'Sullivan
crushed to earth, but then she took a
rally and is now at the head OF the pro-
cession again. 1 gave her the hint my
self, and she ought to be very grateful
to me-"
"Und how vhas it?" asked the grocer.
Why, she gave a watermelon party.
The BARRIERS wife gave what they call
an ice cream fling, and the Countess Di-
vito followed with a banana festival
Both were successes and Mrs O'SuIlivan
was feeling east down when I gave her
a hint. Let me tell you, Mr.. Wasser-
man, that a watermelon party is con-
sidered the swaggsrest thing on the
board for the summer. It's the real chic
You have got to get at least six big wa
termelons and pour a bottle of claret
into each and have the fruit frozen Then
you eat It with a silver spoon and wipe
your mouth of with a red-bordered ia
bic napkin. I gave Mrs. O'Sullivan all the
necessary pointers, and the affair was q
tremendous success all around"