The Washington herald., 1914-04-15
Statesmen, Real and Near.
Ry FRED c. KELLY.

pensation. no man is permitted to excel
| in all things. Those who rank hign
as tangoists may be only fair in phil
osophy or economics. and many OF our
leading authorities on the current modes
in haberdashery have a ridiculousiy
scant knowledge OF the fourth dimen-
sion, whatever that may De.
Take the case Of Henry Yollmer, who
recently came to Congress from Iowa
yollmer is one of the most eloquent
orators IN that part OF the country and
will doubtless take rank as one Of the
polished speakers Of Congress. He can
speak on short notice at almost any
time or place on almost any subject
and unless one handles him with great
care. he will do SO. too.
But when II comes to mechanical lines
he is almost a hopeless cripple. The
thought OF operating a wheel-barrow. a
screw-driver or any other piece Of ma
chinery fairly throws him into panic.
Several times in his life he has under
taken to drive a nail, but invariably the
results have been disastrous IL not fata'.
He could no more hang picture than
he could skin a gnat-
Some time ago yollmer bought bis
touring car. The salesman came around
the next morning to show him how TO
run the thing.
Run it," exclaimed Vollmer, horrfned.
I'D as soon attempt to run a tiger.
He hired himself chauffeur. and never
has touched so much as an oil can on the
machine.
Later on he bought another machine,
an electric runabout. for his wife. Now
an electric automobile is so simple In its
operation that any little child Of school
age can drive it. VoIlmer was beseeched
one day to take the helm in the electric.
He had an expert come and explain II all
to him. and then in a moment or weak
ness he agreed to try his luck. They res
cued him just IN time to save the ma
chine from climbing the front steps OF
his home. Since then he has consist
entity avoided all forms OF engineering en-
deavor.
The only line in which VoIlmer ever
seeks after manual skill is on the golf
links And while he experiences much
difficulty in making his sticks do just
what they should, his record for profan-
ity, day in and day out, is one Of the
prides of Davenport. Iowa
With the exception Of his mastery OF
the golf language. Vollmer can quote
Shakespeare more readily than anything
else. he DeCdIne " IhC
speare habit almost as soon as he had
learned to read, and he would be willing
to go into a Shakespeare-quoting bout
with any nonprofessional anywhere for
half the gate receipts and moving pic
ture rights.
yolImer was always the show declairer
of his school from the first grade on up.
1t was invariably he that the teacher call
ed upon to say his piece when visitors
were present When he was seventeen
he made his first political speech, and
he has been making them on any reason
able provocation from that time on.
Vollmer dresses neatly, keeps his face
free from any form of whiskatorial
growth, and wears his forehead high.
There is something almost spiritual
looking about him: but when he engages
in oratory his mild manner entirely dis
appears and he tears large gashes in the
atmosphere with reckless abandon
The so-called Bureau of Information
in Mr.. Bryan's Department of State Is
presided over by a certain Mr.. John
James, one of whose manifold duties
II is to read various papers from all
parts Of the great. big. round world and
file away clippings pertaining TO matters
Of interest to the department Regard
less of its title. the bureau provides in
formation only for the department itself,
and not to the general public. Hence
when somebody calls up and desires to
know what railroad connections he can
make for a point near Peru, Ind, as
somebody did recently. Mr.. James can
shed scarcely any light.
But all this is apart from what we
started to tell The other morning Mr..
James picked up a South American news
paper and read this:
"As an example of Senior Bryan's ef-
forts to placate the hordes OF bandits
that inhabit the Western part of tho
United States, he has appointed John
James, one of the famous Jesse James
family of desperadoes, to an important
post in the Department of State"
There is really very little truth in
the story. II Mr.. James is any kin to
Jesse James at all, the relationship is
extremely distant and they never had
even a nodding acquaintance. He
formerly conducted a newspaper in Ur-
bana. Ohio, but is said to have borne
a good reputation there.
When it became known the other day
that the Senatorial election in Arkansas
was extremely close. Ollie James. OF
Kentucky. walked into the Senate cham
Der and exclaimed gloomily:
Gracious, 1t looks as IL Clarke may
not have been reelected"
''Oh, we'll. could almost struggle
through life even if he hasn't been"
suggested another Senator.
All. yes" said Ollie, but I Just spent
co cents yesterday sending him a tele-
gram OF congratulations
Copyright. 1914 by Fred c. Kelly. All nights
reSerTedl