davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington herald., 1914-07-19
aBReezA 5uzARRG- Byflhs Parkefgnder

I Honestl The look he handed me would
have killed a Boston lady. He turned to
the wheel tuner.
what do you think of that?" he says
to him. "Ain't that the limit? Why"
he says tome, you must be one of these
New Yorkers that have just landed
from Italy, if you don't know that much.
Amt that the limit, Bill? She wants to
know what we have timetables forI'
Beats anything / ever heard" says
the wheel tuner.
Should say sol" says the baggage
man. why, all frst-cIass roads have
timetables. You can't run a railroad
without timetables"
But what good are they if they don't
show when the trains get to the sta
tons ?" l says, for was sore at the way
they were joshing me.
Well" he says, they're sort of use
full to show the passengers what time the
trains don't get to the stations. There
are only two things timetable can show
when the trains do get to the sta
tions and when the trains don't get to
the stations. This here road prefers the
latter sort of timetable. If you want it
changed don't jump on me, jump on
headquarters. l didn't make that time
table; don't run the trains; amt got
nothing to do with it nohow, and never
did have. Now there" he says, pulling
out his watch and looking at it. "See
that horse and wagon crossing the track?
You want to murder that old lady that's
driving that horse? Well, that's what
you'd do if you could make them trains
run on time Right now Is the time,
by the timetable, for your train to come
scootin' in here and slam-bang the en-
gine across that road. And if it did IT
would hit that old lady and kill her
deader than a creosoted tie. That's what
you want You want that train on time,
and you don't care if you do kill that
poor old dame that never did you any
harm. That's the way city folks arc
heartless, selfish, self-seeking roosters
just because railroad happens to print
lot of figures in columns in a time
table you want to kill somebody's poor
old grandma and injure a horse that
was once a perfectly good horse and
break wagon that might be mended if
anybody knew how to mend an old rat
tletrap like that-and mash up a dozen
real good eggs. You'd go and do that
just because somebody at headquarters
feels like printing column of figures in
a timetable. Honest. you ought to be
ashamed to look kind-hearted country
feller like mem the face"
Say, Mr.. Smarty," says, you must
be the village cut-up, amt you? All I
did was ask you a plain, simple ques-
tion. l don't see yet what is the use of
printing columns of figures in a time
table if the train don't stick to them at
all Honest, do you?"
Well, I'll tell you" he says, "if you
want to know. Lots OF city folks come
UP here-business men and bookkeepers
and bill clerks and such-snd they sort
OF like to have them columns of figures
to add up on the train so they don't get
on; of practice"
guess that's about right, too. I guess
The Washington herald., 1914-07-19

these hill roads print timetables to
amuse the passengers on these jerk-water
lines. The sporting crowd can bet on
how much later the train will be than il
is now, and the ladies can fret about
whether the hotel viii wait dinner for
them and whether the stage will wait at
the station for them. And that's what
got me going this gait-I met a fretter
on the train, one Of the real -Oh, dear
l do hope John didn't forget to take the
petunia of the FIRE escape before he put
the grand piano out to air On IL" sort
of woman. One of the sort that says
to her kid, "Ohl yes, yes buy the candy
| If you must have itP and then frets
"Oh, dear! ! know it will go to your
stomach if you eat it, but suppose you
won't be happy until it doesP' and then
goes ahead to worry, "Oh, dearI II you
eat three more pieces of that candy and
then two more pieces and multiply it by
FIVE and divide by two it will make just |
as many pieces of candy as Ann was
years old when she choked to death on
caramel, but l suppose l must let you
eat it,"
That's the kind she was. The kind
that sits on the hotel veranda and
shouts, "Josiel Don't stand on your
head; the blood will rush to your ton
sils," and then turns to her nearest
neighbor and says: II am so worried
about my child's tonsilsI There's moth
ing at all the matter with them, and
everybody says that nearly all the chill
dren that have anything the matter with
their tonsils had nothing at all the mat
ter with them before they began to have
something the matter with them. I
spray the poor child's throat with gaso-
line every night and-and-Ohl won
der if that last bottle l bought at the
druggists was gasoline! I believe it
was vaseline should have got Oil oh I
/ wonder fl Vaseline and gasoline
do sound so much alikel l wonder II
l did get gasoline? l wonder whether
if / got gasoline-I have ruined my
poor child's tonsils for life? Josie, cone
away from that mani Can't you see he's
smoking a cigar? Don't you know that
if it was gasoline sprayed your throat
with your breath is liable to catch FIRE,
and your tonsils parboiled before you
know II? Come here"
Then she goes up to her room in an
agony and looks at the bottle, and dis
covers it is isterine, and not vaseline
nor gasoline. So she can't worry about
that But she must worry about some
thing.
"Oh, dearp she says, Il do wish l had
asked the druggist whether listerine e<-
plodes or not. I'm sure the dear child
will go near some one when he is strik- .
ing a match. Josie, dear, Try to breathe
as little as you can. Oh, dearI I do wish
knew what ought to do if her breath
catches FIRE. Don't they throw salt down
a chimney when it catches hre? Josie, .
if your breath catches FIRE you must run |
to mother at once Excuse me a min
ute, Mrs. Griggsby; I'll go and ask Mrs
Higgins if she can let me have a little e.
salt must be ready. But-dear mel
wonder if salt harms the tonsils!"
Say, amt some women the limit.
The Washington herald., 1914-07-19

little church steeples for Palos, and a
fine growth of teepees for San Domingo
and the route was spotted all over with
monsters of the deep. and pictures Of
the child's size ships. 1t made the trip
seem enticing to the summer travel
crowd to see the ocean jammed with
porpoises about three times as big as
the ships and whales about twice as big
as Europe, and with gentle little sea
serpents biting chunks out of the levia-
than of Holy Writ.
All these good old monsters are canned
now, and you don't expect to meet them
on the road to Hilidale. anyway. You
have to get along without them and do
the best you can with a cinder in the
left eye If it gets in the right spot it
feels as big as a whale, and that's some
thing.
But, honest, don't see why these hill
roads can't hire somebody like Gibson
or Christy to draw nice pictures on their
timetable maps They waste a lot of
pages giving rows of figures that look
like
Greenville. .....747 I2Io 6.57
Blueville. ........7.56 I43 7.I7
Pinlville. .......76o I.58 7.32
They just clutter up the pages and
might as well be left out. They don't
stand for anything that could discover
A friend I got acquainted with on the
train told me he had met a man once
who knew a railroad man who told him
the figures represented the time some
body in the head Office hoped the trains
would get to the places mentioned, but,
take it from me, if any guy was ever
nutty enough to hope anything like that
he had good long hope coming. Put
ting those figures in the folders was just
a waste of good ink and paper. I had
to change cars at Higginsville and l
asked the baggageman if the train had
to take was on time.
mo, it amt" he says. It's late. It's
late, and it's gettin' later every turn of
the wheel, and by the time it gets here
it's goin' to be burned late, or maybe
little later than that, even"
ITS always late" says the man that
knocks on the car wheels with hammer
to see if they are out of tune or not l
guess he's the wheel tuner.
We'll" says the baggage man. Its a
good thing it is always late, amt it? If
it wasn't late it would get here on time"
That's right" says the wheel tuner,
"and lot OF folks would be sore if it
got here on time"
Because" says the baggageman, that
train you come here on is always late,
aid if the train you want to take wasn't
always late it would get here and get
away again before the train you come on
got here. Then you couldn't get the
train you're waitin' for, because it would
be gone, and you'd have to wait for the
next one, and that would be mighty
long and tiresome wait, because it is
always later than the one that's late
now"
Say" I says, "are you trying to josh
me? Because I'm from Moo York and
won't be joshed. If the trains are al
ways late what do they have the get
here time in the timetables for?"
The Washington herald., 1914-07-19
Copyright. lsl4.)

THE first time Matte Brown s0'
lost every one worried until she
was found. The next time she
got lost every one worried again. But
after while Mattie's frequent losing:
of herself became of no account-tc
any one save Matte. She looked on
them as the happiest times of her happy
little life.
The first time Matte got lost her an
xious mother and equally anxious faith
er found her cozily installed in big,
empty house not far from their home.
The house had just been vacated. Matte
had climbed through an open window
and had Investigated every nook and cor
ner of the house before she was found,
scolded, taken home and put to bed
without any supper.
After this, whenever Matte failed to
appear at the family hearthside when
she was expected, Mrs. Brown sent the
servant or a neighbor's child to the near
est vacant house. Matte was always
found there. And as time went on her
tendency to lose herself in somebody's
empty house was taken as a matter of
course and she was seldom punished
even by being sent supperless to bed.
THE child is safe and happy and 1
always know where she is-at least I
know she's in an empty house some
where in the neighborhood," reasoned
her mother.
OF course, there came a time when
Matte outgrew her love of running
away and losing herself in empty houses.
But she still haunted every new house
that was built and every house that was
vacated in the small town where she
lived. Empty houses had a fascination
for her. As she grew older she peopled
them. She fitted the requirements of
her various friends to the advantages of
The Washington herald., 1914-07-19

maps were some maps. The running
time between stations was six months
to year. and maybe that's why the map
maker on the ships had time to draw
in the scenery as it should be. There
was none of this business of putting a
dot for Palos, Spain, and another dot
for San Domingo. America, and letting
it 60 at that. There were some nice
The Washington herald., 1914-07-19

full justice. He's so high and mighty
that the best he can do is to stick in a
fly speck for a village and when he gets
to a real burg he spreads out and over
works himself and puts a ring around
the fly speck and lets it go at that.
Once one of these railwayfolder art
lists got gay and went in for originality.
He thought for couple of weeks and
The Washington herald., 1914-07-19

thought up a good one, and instead of
putting Chicago on the map as a speck
and ring he did real classy job and
made the picture of Chicago look like
six-pointed star. They fired him the
next day.
Me, l like the old style maps of the
Columbus, Balboa, and De Leon line
from Europe to America. Those I4o2
The Washington herald., 1914-07-19

must install themselves in comfortable
though humble apartment before the
small families come home; rich women
not yet accustomed to their wealth who
want the tactful young woman's help in
choosing fine mansion for their social
battles; business women in search Of
The Washington herald., 1914-07-19

ties command additional fees.
Miss Browns clients have included
men and women of every sort-harassed
young men earning small salaries, with
wives and babies at the seashore, who
The Washington herald., 1914-07-19

kitchenette apartments, bachelors in a
quandaV about new quarters, artists
who want studios, physicians and busi-
ness men who want to find new offices.
Her work does not interfere with that
The Washington herald., 1914-07-19

of the real estate agents. 1t supplements
it, for she deals through the agents. OF
course, there is her extra fee to be con-
sidered. But who would not be willing
so pay a fee of few dollars for the
privilege of giving up all the worry and
strain Of house huntingl
The Bottineau courant. (Bottineau, Bottineau County, N.D.) 1895-1929, 1914-11-20
AMMONIA COOLED ICEBOX.

cylinder below the condenser. AS soon
as the storage cylinder is filed the fire
under the heating tanks is eXtinguish-
ed, and water is passed through the
coils contained in these tanks. This
cooling condenses the liquid and gas
in the tanks and causes a suction in
the piping that runs through the ice
box to the storage cylinder.
Since ammonia will expand rapidly
when given the necessary room there
is a flow of gas from the storage cyl
inder through the expansion coils in
the icebOX to the heating cylinders,
where it is again absorbed by the wa
ter. Refrigeration is due to the fact
that the ammonia in expanding takes
up heat from all sides. and the appa-
ratus is SO arranged that practically
all this expansion occurs in the coils
located in the iceboX. Popular Me-
chanicS.
The Bottineau courant. (Bottineau, Bottineau County, N.D.) 1895-1929, 1914-11-20
ICELESS refrigerator.
Apparatus Designed For Use In Ice.
boxes Of Family Size.

Apparatus Designed For Use In Ice.
boxes Of Family Size.
An apparatus that provides iceless
refrigeration for iceboxes of ordinary
size and is particularly adapted to use
in the home has been developed and
placed on the market. There are nc
moving parts in this apparatus. and
no engine or other motive power Is re-
quired.
In using. two horizontal cylinders
are partly filed with aqua ammonia.
which is simply a mixture Of water
and ammonia, and this is heated to
the boiling point by a burner placed
under the lower cylinder. The heat
ing is usually done with gas or gaso-
line. but kerosene. alcohol, steam.
electricity or charcoal may be used.
The heating causes the ammonia to
pass off as a gas through the piping
into a condenser at the top of the up
right cylinder shown at the left. Here
the ammonia gas is cooled and reduc-
ed to a liquid state by running water,
the liquid ammonia being stored in the
The Bottineau courant. (Bottineau, Bottineau County, N.D.) 1895-1929, 1914-11-20
INITIATION OF TIRES.
Pressure Should Be Greater In Rear
Wheel Tubes Than In Front.

Wheel Tubes Than In Front.
Initiate slowly at first. There are a
great many views as to the proper
pressure. but it is rulable to initiate the
front tires to Il pressure equivalent to
seventeen or eighteen times their cross
section and the real tires to Il pressure
equivalent to twenty times the cross
section. For example. "a by 4 tires on
front wheels should have from sixty
eight to seventy-two pounds pressure,
while on the "A wheels the pressure
should be about eighty pounds. The
tire should round out pretty we'll and
not fatten under the weight of car and
passengers.
Rein1ate the tire occasionally. as the
inner tubes are permeable. When the
ruhbe. is heated to SO degrees or more
Is or 20 per cent Of the pressure is
lost.
1t is not advisable to initiate the tires
with the exhaust from engine. Oil and
certain gases are destructive to the
rubber.
Remember that your pressure gauge
on pump may not show al accurate
pressure in the tire owing to the fric-
ton of the valve inside of plunger.
On this account it is best to get pres
sure reading from the tires.
There is not so much danger from
initiating the tires hard as is generally
supposed. The we'll pumped up tires
do not bend so much in d%isplacing the
air. the friction and heat are. lower and
counteracted by expansion. -Automo-
bile Dealer and Repairer.
The Bottineau courant. (Bottineau, Bottineau County, N.D.) 1895-1929, 1914-11-20
Tho Best oil ls the Cheapest.

The lack of proper fabrication sends
more cars to the repair shop than any
other reason. 4 single trip to the re-
pair shop will cost more than all the
best grade lubricants the car will ever
use, says Automobile Dealer and Re-
pairer. In n instance the owner of
the car saved 50 when he bought a
cheap grade of oil. but improper lubri-
cation sent the car to the repair shop,
and the bill was more than $500. II
you can run your car eight miles on
one gallon of gasoline with cheap lu-
bricants you can run the same car ten
miles on one gallon of gasoline with
good lubricants. So at the present cost
of gasoline the best oil is really the
cheapest.
The Bottineau courant. (Bottineau, Bottineau County, N.D.) 1895-1929, 1914-11-20
Preserving Auto Tires.

If a car is to be laid up for the win
ter it is not necessary to take the tires
of the car If 1t be stored In a cool, dry
place where it is not subjected to light
or rapid changes of temperature. Jack
up the n 81 1t will not rest on the
tires apd keep them inflated enough 80
they will have no tendency to fold. II
the rims are badly rusted. however, It
might be we'll to remove the tires. thor
oughly clean the rims with sandpaper
and paint them with graphite o. pos
sibly with common stove polish.
The Bottineau courant. (Bottineau, Bottineau County, N.D.) 1895-1929, 1914-11-20
EAXnloN COLUMN

G0Qge Every m
who likes Fencing should
have q fencing set: The
illustration aboue gives
you The correct ,ded Of
our 1914 Outfit.
Perciudl Klean Pheet and his
brother Duty Pheet liued
Nth their parents M: dndhm
Enormous Pheet on the side
Of mountain Tie boqs heard
about the great bis ocean. and
told the folks that they were
6oin8 DOM for q swim. They
took the First t,sin FOR the
sedshore. Perciudl wds the
first TO dive in'the vater and
I uhen he came up he shouted,
IF the German soldiers
climb. the Alps Mount
stns. will they So into
berne. Sutherland?
The Cairo bulletin., 1914-01-15

Averaae Man Not an Artist.

An English clergyman recently wal
instrumental in furnishing an evil
dence Of the persistency OF the primi-
tive In modern man. For the amuse-
ment of his pa~rishioners, and for the
purpose Of bringing to light any undis-
covered genius which might be lying
dormant among them. he instituted a
competition in wood carving, selecting
such subjects al mar on horseback,
walking, blowing and performing sim
pie and COMMON actions. The results
were startling. In practically every
instance they bore striking resemb-
lance TO the efforts Of our ancient and
prehistoric forebears.
The Cairo bulletin., 1914-01-15
E~xtinauishinu Fire.

If a rug is thrown over a burning
object it must he wrapped closely in
order to exclude air. The burning
goes on just the same as long as air is
present. Water for anything but IN
oil fire. salt and sand are all good
2XlinRuishers. A wet towel thro yn
over an alcohol bla2e-or any Other
viii |extinguish il sufficiently so that
t may be smothered easily Pun down
a blazing curtain and %eXtinguish it on
he door. But do it at once! If you
must cell for help do it while you are
working.
The Cairo bulletin., 1914-01-15
GO RIGHT AT IT
F~ehd. and Neighbors in Cairo Wi
Show You a Way.

GAlOW IUu II way,
81 the root Of the trouble.
Rubbing an aching back may re
liove it,
But won't cure it if the kidney.
are weak.
You must reach the root of it
the kidneys.
Reach the cause re w. the pain
Begin at orcr> it'll )0an's KID.
ney Pills.
Are recommends W thousands.
Here is a statement from a resi-
dent Of this vicinity.
W. II. Smith, Hasban St, Padu
cab. Ky. says; Il '~mered 70.
years from kidney troup,e and wa.
steadily growing worse, My bacl
achcd constantly and there was pai1
through my kidneys. The kidne!
]secretions were highly colored anC
proved that my kidneys were disor
derei. Finally l. began taEins
Doan's Kidney Pills and to my de
light. they gave me prompt relief
continued until cured and durin}
the time which passed, / have hat
no sign of kidney complaint"
For sale by all dealers. Price 81
cents. Foster-Milburn Co, Buffalo
New York. sole agents for th'
United states.
Remember the name-Doan's-
and take no other.
The Cairo bulletin., 1914-01-15

cartoon characters are TO appear in
what must be termed a musical com
"dy with meloGramatic TRIMMINGS.
They are more ubiquitous than ever
and their adventures are attended
The most m.rthful and Side
splitting results. For three acts and
three scenes they dominate things.
making life one merry song and
whirl and winding mp where they
left off, q couple of n~eer-do-wells
who nad this mundane sphere a plac
whore sorrow and dun care have nc
right 10 obtain.
The Cairo bulletin., 1914-01-15

late them TO normal activity. 1t also
n%outralizes the acids in the urin 50
it no longer initiates. thus ending
bladder disorders.
Jad Salts Is harmless; inexpensive;
makes a delightful e%Gferyescent llth-
ia-watcr drink which everybody
should take now and then to keep
their kidneys clean, thus avoiding
serious complications.
A well-known local druggist says
he sell lots of Jad Salts to folks wrc
believe in overcoming kidney trouble
while it is only trouble.---Advt.
The Cairo bulletin., 1914-01-15
DANCERS in Rare Eeefstesk,

You may like your beefsteak rare,
but there is danger in eating any meat
not Wen cooked, Measles in cows
'eave boXed-up parasites in the bovine
flesh. You do not notice them with the
raked eye, but they are there, and if
they are not killed by thorough cook.
Ing they viii cause tapeworms in the
digestive organization of the human
system, and then follow associated dis
eases and discOmforts.
The Cairo bulletin., 1914-01-15

than one month. PROF. c. J. Budlonr.
South Lyme, Conn.
Hsk any drucEist today for D y. D..
Prescription. FelI tell you ii aIlavs
the itch instantly-and soon there are
signs Of cure.
We have handled the remedy for
Years and regard it. as the specific for
skin troubles Of all kinds. Come In or
ask US about -. j. d. Prescrfption
also about j. u. y. soap especially
for tender skins.
We offer the first full size bottle
on the guarantee that unless it stops
the itch at once, it costs you not a
cent
IA and Washington.
The Cairo bulletin., 1914-01-15
OLD Nurserv Rhvmes.

Some of our favorite nursery
rhymes can be traced back many hun
drods of years. Sing a Song of Six
pence "a popular in the sixteenth
century. Three Blind Mice" was
sung in the reign of James / The
Frog and the Mouse" amused the chill
6ren in the days Of Queen Elizabeth.
Girls and Boys Come Out to Play"
was well known in the reign of
Charles H., and the immortal Hump
ty Dumpty' perhaps is of the greatest
antiquity.
The Cairo bulletin., 1914-01-15
AnIzals Court Witness.

A Maori woman who gave evidence
at a stratfogd, New Zealand, inquest
showed a degree of amiability some
what rare in the witness box. When
she faced the jury, she made a remark
which, on being Interpreted, was
found to be q wish that health, wealth
and prosperity MIGHT aver abide with
the jury individually and collectively,
After finishing her evidence She again
voiced the wish before leaving the
box.
The Cairo bulletin., 1914-01-15

There is one Brookfeld story that l
nave always liked very much. | have
aot seen it in print. BrookHeld was
nee stopped in the Strand by an an
cry person, who said; q am told that
Il the Green Room club the other
hight you spoke Of me as a damned
s%coundrel. Is that true?' Well
replied Brookdeld, Il don't know who
you are. but you certainly look it
London Sketch,
The Cairo bulletin., 1914-01-15

The tendency OF the human mind TO
revert to primitive customs is every
lay made manifest in the games Of
children. for the Swiss you nastars still
play at making fire by rubbing sticks,
ana the bow and arrow are common
toys among the budding men OF all
civilized nations, few of whom have
any such fund Of Indian stories and
traditions to fire their youthful imagi-
nations, as have those Of Ut own
land,
The Cairo bulletin., 1914-01-15
Pats Effective Retort.

An Irishman knocked at a door one
day and asked the lady of the house
(who was very ugly if she could help
him, as he was hard up and on the
road. Indeed, I'll not she replied;
and il you don't clear off out Of this
I'll call my husband, who is a police
man, and he'll come and take you. Il
quite believe We, missis, retorted Pat;
he'd take anything, when he took
YOU