davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30
LUKE M.LukE SAYS

From the Cincinnati Enquirer.
Every man j. fooled a good deal oftener
than there ~ any excuse forl All you
have to do is Put different colored feath-
ers on the bali end he'll come back for
another bite.
A man will give his wife the devil a
dozen times a day, and then be surprised
because she wants to chum around with
the old cloven footed cuss.
IL man had a pool table at home he
would have to go downtown for a few
hours every night to find some one to
play with him.
We are all strong in the belief that we
shall meet each other in heaven, but we
turn up our noses and can't see our neigh
bors when we pass them on the street.
When a good male buffer marries
good female buffer the neighbors have an
awful tiTe trying to find out if the match
is as happy as it seems.
I have often noticed that the man who
is always preaching it hasn't any time to
practice it.
You'll notice that old men who are poor
and young women who are wealthy never
marry.
After a man mas passed the age of 40
you can't convince him that the good die
young
One-haIf the world buys drinks for the
other half.
Any woman can describe the new gown
she is going to wear at a reception next
New Years Day. but she has forgotten
who was elected vice president last No
vember.
A professor claims that corsets have
filled more graves than whisky Well,
they both make their victims tight.
Reformers have been demanding the
naked truth for centuries. And now that
it is s.almost here they want the fashions
changed
If we got credit for the things we intend
to do tomorrow we would all be captains
of industry.
A girls idea of economy is to cut a
dress lower al the neck, oigher at the
bottom and tighter across the hips and
save goods.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30
THE OLD-TIME PRINTER

Joe M. Johnson in the Inland Printer.
Many will remember the old time prin-.
ter, that genial, versatile prince who re.
garded the world as his private park, and
strolled through it at will. Sometimes he
was broke, but he could mix medicine,
and Midas had nothing on him in the
matter Of touch. Sometimes, In correct
attire, he graced the banquet board and
partook of the richest and choicest fruits
of the earth, and sometimes. clad in the
habiliments Of a hobo. he ate gumpmulli-
gan by the lonely roadside Sometimes
he sang, and sometimes he preached.
Sometimes he dreamed, and sometimes he
drank, and sometimes he did both. Some-
times, with one foot on the railing, he
Grated. and sometimes he sat in council
with the wisest and mightiest of the land.
Sometimes he sat on high stool and
smoked a cob pipe while he corrected a
bad galley In the still watches of the
night. But as memories of him come
down to us through the mellowing inf1u.
ences of time, we forgive him the swear
words he used when he bowed to the
proofreader's dictum and made summer
time two words and wintertime one world
incidentally, Webster calls proof reader
two words. The old time printer called
him more words than that.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30
Inifxinr the CITY

LAS a prominent citizen remarked a
year or two ago,swe have group con-
seriousness here but we lack the great
er city consciousness, said member
of the Chamber of Commerce. THE gen
tleman who was talking meant that
the suburban towns that had been
brought into the city of Birmingham
~ere still regarding themselves as
suburbs
"In time all the communities that go
to make up Birmingham will lose their
group consciousness and think of them
selves only as a part of Birmingham
One thing that makes Atlanta so strong
and progressive is that everybody in
side the limits of that. city is an At
1anta booster The outside world never
hears of any knocking on the part Of
the Atlanta suburbanite.
when the legislature extended Bir-
mingham's limits so as to include Ems
ley and other large towns there was
much soreness on the part of some of
the municipalities arbitrarily annexed.
But the greater Birmin CHAM act was a
good thing for this industrial and COM
mercial center. No suburb that was
taken in can recede or kick out. 1t is
the part of common sense philosophy
FOR even those who felt sore at the
time to make the best of the situa-
tion now Much is ITO be gained by unity
of feeling and unity of purpose. Ger
tain it is that nothing Is to be gained
by an ill-disposed attitude"
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30

held as chattels, and compelled to rem
der services for which they are not
paid. Filipino slaves, including Chris
tians, have been shipped to China.
Filipino school children have been
secretly enticed from their homes by
false promises of education and re-
muneration and have been sold into
slavery and peonage.
In the Philippine bill there is a
constitutional provision that neither
slavery nor involuntary servitude, ex-
cept as punishment for crime whereof
the party shall. have been duly con-
victed, shall exist in the islands," Eff
forts have been made to induce the
Philippine legislature to render this
inhibition effective by the passage of
necessary laws, but these attempts so
far have proven unsuccessful, for the
raeson that many of the members of
the assembly personally profit by the
slave trade. 1t may be that Congress
itself will take action.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30
AN AESTHETIC TRAGEDY

From the Cleveland Plain Dealer.
Mrs. Boorsby- Brown of Abington-rd
had quite shocking accident the other
day"
"Indeed.''
Yes. She was decorating a bomb for
the cause and doing it in rawther tasty
ia ashion-this new blue tint for body
color, you know. with crimson crossbars
and gold relief. You really wouldn't have
known it was a bomb-with Votes for
women In white enamel all across IL.
Oh, very tasty! Then to set the colors
she put it in a sauce pan on the heater.
you know and it went off,"
MY word!'
ut went off and broke three French
windows in the drawing room, and scald-
ed the King Charles. and spotted the
walls, and scorched the cook, and drove
Votes for women right through the oil
portrait of her husbands aunt, by Sir
Templeton JulSes, r. A.--tlfe one that 8
going to leave them all her money, and
she won't leave em a hapenny now"
And what did Mrs. Boorsby-Brown
sayf"
'She had four teeth knocked out and
couldn't say anything.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30
THE PAGEANT-DRAMA REVIVED

From THE Pageant-Drama Revived" by
Sidney Nj. Hirsch, in the American Re-
view of Reviews for September.
In the critical observation and study of
the pageant, it is recognized that simplici-
ty and synthesis make more direct ap-
peal than the episodical, loosely strung
together, no matter how dramatic or
picturesque the single moment may be.
A simple plot developed along the usual
plan OF construction, that is to say, pro-
logue, development, catastrophe, and de-
nouement, will be found very efficient
and If proper sense of dramatic values
is employed the impression upon the audit
ences will be assured.
The elemental things are especially eff
fective-bazing altar fires or torches,
smoke ascending in spiral columns. mys-
terious mists caused by maidens pouring
water from graceful vases upon heated
stones-all these seen at night, especially
by an audience living for time in the
atmosphere that has been created. seem
as mysterious and mystical as they We're
to the primitive. peoples when they first
observed them. And lastly, it gives the
civic center the opportunity for self ex
preston without which the soul dies and
through which the soul thrives and learns
to know itself; for who but he VINO
through initiation into the mysteries Of
creation through creating, can understand
something of the nature of the divine
Creator; and he or she who has partici-
pated or observed a pageant-drama with
maidens in diaphanous draperies of deli
cate pinks and blues, sandal-shod and
with loosened hair, dancing on the green,
propitiating the gods with sacrifice or
sending aloft hundreds of young voices,
a paean of praise to supremest Jove, has
received and given an impression that As
cultural, delightful and lasting, and a
form of entertainment that is ennobling
and satisfying.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30
States Commercial Center

The merchants. of north Alabama,
who met in convention here this week,
made it plain that they were well
pleased with Birmingham and it was
very evident that Birmingham was
greatly pleased with the visitors. 1t
was happy idea, indeed-bringing
the merchants here as the result of
effort and establishing per-
manent relations between the city
and the business men of various
counties in the state. This movement
has been such a success that it will
be easy to bring all the merchants
of the state into closer relations with
Birmingham, which has been recog-
nized and proclaimed by outside
friends as the commercial and whole
sale center of Alabama
In the early days of Birmingham's
history coal and iron were not only
our mainstays but they were the only
factors in the business life Of the
community known to the outside
world. But II or Is years ago Bir-
mingham's jobbing trade began to as
sumo large proportions and today this
is recognized as one Of the strongest
jobbing centers in the south. While
Birmingham will always be known as
an industrial center-as the leading
industrial center of the south-it will
rival all other cities in the south as
great mercantile center.
The enthusiasm aroused by the
north Alabama merchants this week
gives decided impetus to Birming2
hams commercial life. AS brilliant
as was the success Of this first gath
ering, next years convention will be
even larger and greater. The organ
ization of the merchants certainly
marks a new era in Birmingham S
commercial progress.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30
As NATURAL As LEE

From the Cleveland Plain Dealer.
An old Clevelander. who knows his New
York like book. says he never visits
the big town without instinctively turning
toward famous hotel that sheltered him
IN bysone days, hotel which has yielded
to the uptown trend.
This reminds me-" he added. .of a
funny incident that happened quite a
number of years ago. One intensely cold
December day | went into the famouu
hotel barroom and warmed up with a fine
hot punch. | appreciated the change in
temperature so highly that / added an
other Then | went around to the Eden
Musee TO hear the Hungarian band.
took seat. The air was warm and
heavy. The music was soothing-so was
the PUNCH. / fell asleep with my beaver
hat on my knees.
Il awakened with little start. Two
very pretty girls We're standing before
me. staring down and thumbing a catalog.
evidently looking UP my number. They
thought l was one of those deceptive wax
figures for which the musee was famous,
AS ! opened my eyes they gave n
scream. crying: Heavens. he's alivel' and
hurried away. So did T."
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30
Valuable industrial Asset

The Standard Steel company did a
great thing for itself when it bought
the 1900 acres of ore land from the
Self Fluxing Iron Ore company recent
ly,' said a prominent man who has no
pecuniary interest in the property re-
ferred to. 1T was one of the most i'm
portant trades made IN this district in
recent years. The ore land is located
in Shades valley and while the ore is
deep down in the earth mineralogists
and practical ore mine operators say
that it will pay we'll to develop it. The
excellent quality of the ore has al
ready been proved and the Standard
Steel company was fortunate to acquire
this valuable tract as cheap as it did.
Two or three years ago when men
well known in this industrial field be-
gan to show their appreciation of the
fine ore reserves in Shades valley
values in the district began to en-
hance. The outlook for Birmingham as
steel center was certainly brighter
When the Baltimore Manufacturers
Record employed experts to discuss the
value of the Shades valley ore the
Birmingham district attracted wider at
| tention than ever 1t certainly gave us
great talking point
"A few skeptical people may have
talked disparagingly of the ore re-
serves but no one who is at all in
formed minimizes these lands as i'm
portant assets In the general business
OF the district. There are 1000 or 1000
acres of ore reserves in Shades valley
not owned by any operating company
put>lt Is safe to say that they will be
developed within the next five years,
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30
poINpED PARAGRAPHS

From the Chicago News.
A well fed waiter makes a well fed
guest
1t is hard to fool all the people by look
ing wise.
She's smart woman who can make a
mirror lie to her face.
A man isn't necessarily magician be-
cause he makes a night of it.
Imagination is the most difficult disea Sc
doctors have to contend with.
Alarm clocks are responsible for a lot
of language unfit for publication.
Pity the young man in love with girl
who keeps her heart in cold storage.
The average woman would rather admit
that she is wrong than that a man is
right.
When a woman starts downtown, to get
a check cashed she worries for fear, the
bank will - short of money.
When the best woman may hope to
get out of matrimony is the last word il
is dollars to doughnuts that she'll have
to fight for that.
Many man has collected the money on
the supposition that he possessed good
Judgment. when, as matter Of fact. he
merely made good guess.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30
IN HOTEL LOBBIES
Need of Auditorium

Occasional visitors TO Birmingham
express themselves as being wonder
stricken at the magnificent improve
ments that have been made here within
recent years. but they also express sur
prise now that we are without a large
auditorium. such as other growing
cities have" said a business man.
Birmingham needs many things, but
nothing at this time is quite so much
needed as an auditorium. This can be
made the greatest convention city in the
south. It is hoped that at the city
election In September there will be a
decided majority vote In favor of an
auditorium bond issue. do not see
how any one who has the good of the
city at heart can, vote against this i'm
portant proposition"
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30
A BOON FOR AMERICANS

From the Cleveland Plain Dealer.
1t appears that course in etiquette
has been provided at the University OF
London for those who need it, And men,
ton is made of the fact that two very
important fundamental social rules
win be handed down on the very first
page Of the new text books.
l. Tweeds and Norfolk Jacket may
be worn from Friday afternoon to Mon
day. but at no other time. Exception
They may be worn when actually going
out of town.
2. No man must be seen near river
where social pleasures prevail unless
clad in white flannel trousers. white
canvas shoes. white socks anc- straw
hat. Exception: None.
After the student has mastered this
kindergarten stuff he may expect to be-
gin on the real work.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30
THE PROFESSOR UNpEyps

From the Chicago Tribune.
1 don't know much about baseball r4-
marked the professor, who was glancinr
through the sporting columns, ''but | think
can answer that question, What is tn
greatest bonehead play you ever saw?' !"
Well?" queried the doctor, to fill up the
rhetorical pause.
Hamlet impressively rejoined the pro-
fessor.
II done exactly see the-the--"
Hamlet takes skull. Alas poor Yooricki
| knew him, Horatio. A fellow Of"
I've stood good deal from you,' in
terrupted the doctor, grasping his hat
and cane, but that's absolutely and
unequivocally the worst I ever hearu
Henceforth we are strangers. Good-by!'
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30

labor has gained is tenfoId--a fact very
little realized by the labor men them.
selves. But even here the foundries have
resumed work and plenty of business i
offering
Sales during the week have been
widely scattered WITH car building con
Germs the largest buyers. From all that
We can gather, sales are easily as large
as is the current make. Coke is in ac-
tive demand with prices frm."
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30
KIPLING ON cuBrsr ART.

Mr.. r. ISipllng felt a flash of his old
FIRE and threw in high speed:
On an cid symbolic staircase.
Looking forty ways at once;
There's a Cubist Nude descending
With the queerest sort of stunts
For the staircase is a-falIing,
And the Noodle seems to say.
Tho you may hear my soul a-calllng.
You can't see me, anywayr'
Oh, this Symbol balderdash,
And this Post-Impression trash;
Can't you see their paint a-chuckin in
hotchy-potchy splash?
Where the motives bold and brash
OF the Cubst painters clash.
And the Nude descends like thunder
down a staircase gone to smash.
t-F'rom the Order of the Literati, by Car
olyn Wells, in the Boakman.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30

The government is having difficulty in
obtaining professor of pharmacology at
$500 year. No wonder. The speciaca-
tions call for man who has mad broad
training in various branches of ''pharma-
cology, physiology, physiological and
pharmaceutical chemistry and chemo-
therapy."
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30
soda Fountain Inspector

Il notice that the soda fountain ipspec-
tor Is about to get busy" said a man
about town. 1T is good. and / desire to
eal his attention to two or three things
to guide him.
+, He should stop the common habit of
soda jerkers' and dope dispensers tax
ing a spoon out of dirty water, slashins
1t in a coca-cola, and then washing 1t in
a limeade, with a double service
Il understand that Inspector Williams
ice also to look after cafes and kitchens.
1t is we'll He should arrest every waiter
who serves butter by picking up the
blocks from the ice water bowl with his
fingers, Very common practice with
white walters in all night and popular
priced cafes. tee, Just think of one of
those fellows answering the call for q
scratch and then dishng up butter. Well,
that's just exactly what I've seen them
do more than once
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30
DAYBREA X

BY Percy Bysshe Shelley.
Day had awakened all things that be,
The lark. and the thrush. and the swaI-
low free.
And the milkfnaids song, and the mow-
er's scythc,
And the rnatin bell and the mountain bee.
Ffref1ies were quenched on the dewy corn.
Glowworms went out. on the rivers brim.
Like lamps which student forgets to
trim;
The beetle forgot to wind his horn,
The crickets were still in the meadow and
hill;
Like a flock of rocks at a farmers gun
Nights dreams and terrors. every one
Fled from the breins which are its prey
From the lamps death to the morrs..e
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30
FAMILIES OF THREE IN ENGLAND
uro,,, tho Now York Times

London Families of three are more
numerous than any others in England, ac-
cording to a blue book recently issued.
Such families constitute 10 per cent of the
total number; those Of four, 18 per cent;
of five, IA per cent, and those of six. 10
per cent. In London the women living
alone outnumber the lonely men to the ex-
tent of 1854 to S7,13O.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30
QUICK WORK.

You seem to have badly discclcred
eye"
Yes. man rested his fist there for
only fraction of second yet, look at
the damage he did'
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30

Maybe, IL 7. r. lies low anl "rlays
the game" he will manage to grab both
the progressive and the republican nomi..
nations. AS politician he is smooth
enough to do that.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30

"she seems to be an extremely pious old
lady"
Yes"
II presume the things of this earth have
no interest for her?''
THE fact that you presume SO Is very
good evidence that you have never heard
her discuss the shortcomings of her neigh
bors."
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30
STEAM TRANSPORTATION

is fair to say that Hedley's invention led
to the introduction of steam power on
railways.
The first use of the locomotive in this
country was in 1929. on the railroad built
by the Delaware and Hudson company.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30

King Alfonso's wedding gift to Manuel
is inscribed "To Manuel, King of Por-
tugal, no reference being made. Of
course. to the fact that Manuel is at
present ont of job
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30

Europe travails, and a new kingdom viii
soon be born. Frederick. Prince of
Wied and a nephew of Carmen syl,a,
Queen of Roumania, is to be 1 ing OF Al
bania
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30
PROMISED.

o heart of my dreams,
Why fail in the strife?
This tangle Of schemes
Is the network of life.
However opprest.
However cast down.
In the end there is rest,
Life's labors to crownl
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30

Health Commissioner Young OF Chicago
says kiss is dangerous only when it Is
INDUCED in SO as to lead to observation
by an irate parent. That's the kind Of a
health commissioner every city ought to
have.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30
SATISFIED.

Fanle's trumpet may sound,
Wealth's gold counters ring,
He sprawls on the ground
And hears the birds sing.
This world aud its woe
Mean nothing TO him;
He's ght-hearted, though
His purse may be slim
And the prizes men seek
He never wiz gam.
Being well-fed and sleek,
Why should he complain?
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30
Comment Upon the Crop Money


The McAdoo crop moving plan of plac-
ing s50,000,000 with national banks is not
going to bring the results that many per-
sons hoped for" said a large stockholder
In state bank.
Z In the first place, it is not fair to the
country banks and state banks in the
cities to place this money with the
stronger banks at per cent interest:
they in turn to charge other banks 6 per
cent. 1t should at least pe made possi-
BILE for the smaller banks to get money at,
say, per cent. and upon the same class
of securities as those now favored.
Another very important feature is that
this money must be returned in few
months WhaN is to prevent the great
financial centers from making a tight
money market, so that when return day
comes the borrowers may be compelled TO
pay even as high as / per cent a month? ?
IF the government really wished 70
help the farmers move their crops, it
should have paid the principal deposit
taries l per cent for handling the money.
and arranged to let the small banks and
merchants. too, have it at not over per
cent for the crop period. with an extern
sion of. say, 90 days, where proper
showing is made"
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30
NOT HERSELF.

did your wife say anything to you
when you got home late last night?"
mot word. and it frightened me SO
went to bed sober" PAUL COOK.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30

THOSE WHO SUCCEED US.
It's just a few years
OF heartache and scheming.
And then there's an end
OF toiling and dreaming.
Our places are filed
By those who come after:
And may they know more
Than we do of laughter,
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30

Brother Bryan is still being raped far
bis chautauqua programme, but If he
didn't hear the anvil chorus occasionally
he would feel lonesome.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30
NO USE coAxING.

some very successful jockeys urge their
mounts forward by kind words"
'That's true. but kind words are lost
on an automobile"
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30

Two Birmingham officers hal battle
With two negro desperadoes IN the dark
that beat anything we ever read in dime
novels during our youthful dass.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30

Huerta is changing front so often these
days that ne bears close resemblance to
human pin wheel
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30
MAKING THE ArrRAcrIoN GREAr.

MAKING THE ATTRACTION GREAr-
ER.
Preachers tell us that the streets of
heaven are paved with gold"
"Yes. They might make heaven even
more inviting by saying that there are
no pipes to lay beneath those golden
streets and no telegraph and telephone
wires to be put under ground"
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30
AN EXAGGERATED IDEA.

AN EXAGGERATED IDEA
so that is an English noblemang''
Yes
where's his monocle?"
why, both of his eyes are sound. He
doesn't need a monocle."
Good heavens. Judging from his pro-
totype on the stage. I've always thought
an English nobleman would poke His
finger in his eye, rather than do witleut
monoce''
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30

New Yorw policeman left an estate
of 5000. Maybe he was honest. There
are such cases ON record
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-08-30

Mulhall is getting even. lie calls Law
yer Easby-smith liar csery now and
then.