The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1913-01-04
OLD PAP PINKHAM.
He Has Some FatherIy Advice for the
Prcsident-EIect

Then 1 Topped
When the returns came in 1 felt that
halmy feeling stealing over me that
comes to every yed-in-the-wool DEM
| ocra:.
1 yelled. I whooped. l jumped on
my hat.
dent-elect, that [ flopped, and want
to explain why 1 did. / want to start
fair and square with you.
In the first place, 1 wanted to hang
on to my job.
+ In the second when the present
president appointed me postmaster of
I Jericho it was understood between us
that was to act as sort of farherIy
| adviser to him. 5
l did act in that role, but the trou-
BILE was he wouldn't follow my advice
! 1 warned him over and over, but
| he was stiff-necked.
| continued to wrestle with and to
cling to him until the last hour, and
1 then saw that it was my duty to be-
come a good Democrat and save my
| bacon.
Under your able administration I
expect a reappointment as postmaster,
| and 1 guarantee not to flop again for
| the next four years.
| The exact number of Democrats
laundering for my job is Is, with a few
| more to hear FROM but don't let 'em
fool YOU With old Pap Pinkham at
this end of the line you are good for
a second term.
feel fatherly towards you. / am
ready to give you advice. am
great hand to call public meetings and
spring surprises on the electors.
This is a point of great value to
any party.
The very next night after election
l called such meeting, and as chair
man of it, 1 skated through a resolu-
ton to the effect that your election
had saved the country from panic and
revolution. Let me state what is ex
pected of you as soon as you take Of
flee, and I hereby agree to back you
up in every possible way.
THAT the farmer who is now rid
ing in his auto and piling up money in
the bank be brought back to first
principles, which means raising pota-
toes for 80 cents a bushe1.
THAT all middlemen be abolished
unless willing to work from motives of
pure patriotism and pay any losses in
CURED.
THAT eggs drop to 25 cents a dozen,
or that there be rigid investigation
of the hencoops of the country. All
hens not engaged in legitimate bust
ness to be banished from the country.
THAT the rope industry be thor
oughly gone into, and that the COM
| mittee stick to it until the country
finds out why a clothesline costs Is
cents more than it used to.
That the committee get after the
butter dealers and find how many of
them have become millionaires in the
last two years. Then walk said mill
lionaires down among lot of long
shOremen for the administering of
poetic justice.
That rigid and minute inquiry be
made as to why onions are three times
as high as two years ago while the
scent of them has even decreased.
That the hired girl problem be
taken up, and she be made to tell
why her appetite is twice as big as
last year. and why she must now have
becomes of any mlnce pie left over.
THAT COW owners, COW mixers and
the cows them Ives be brought before
the committee and put through the
third degree, that We may find out
why in thunder mil-zs is, nine cents a
quart and the bottles short in the neck.
Give the cows a show to tell whether
they have kicked over any milk pals in
the last year, or whether the dealers
are doing some joyous lying to account
for the raise.
That the canned tomato industry be
investigated. 1t will not be sufficient
for the committee to walk around the
outside of the factory They must en-
ter it and investigate the pulleys and
hoppers and shafting and the red
headed girl who carelessly drops apple
cores and cuds of chewing gum into
the can with the tomatoes Are to-
matoes, like the dod, becoming extinct?
Have the figures been raised four cents
a can on account of scarcity or be-
cause somebody's bull got out of the
field and chased the girl who pastas
the labels on the cans?
That at least one thousand butchers
be summoned before the committee and
kept on diet of bread and water for
three days before being questioned. The
committee should go at it with coats
off and sleeN~s rolled up and guns
sticking from their hind pockets. Any
butcher admitting that he makes over
800 per day clear profit from running
a shop should be put on ice for three
months.
That the cold storage question should
be made a prominent thing. Are we
living on the meats and vegetables OF
1776. or of 1912? Are eggs that have
been kept for 20 years to wait for a
rise to a dollar a dozen the right kind
of fodder for future statesmen? Is it
this cold storage stuff working in the
blood of the people that has caused
graft to become respectable and bank
ruptcy to be winked at? Can an old
man who has been hailed into court for
stealing a three-cent turnip from
grocer be called a natural outlaw or
is it the effect of some chicken stored
away for 40 years ago clouding his per-
ception?
That the coal man be hauled up in
the midst of his joyousness. Did he
resign the presidency of a bank to open
d coal 1OOCS LIS COHSeIeIICe ever
give a funk when he sees a wagon
leaving his door with 1890 pounds of
coal for a ton? Did he win those dia-
monds his wife wears at the horse
race? Is he making more than zoe
per cent profit? Does he mingle pol
itics with the coal business? When he
has heard of a widow freezing her feet
has he has taken a sack of coal on
his back and walked five miles to play
the part of the Good Samaritan. He
cannot have too much of the third de-
gree Give him the fourth and fifth
and sixth.