The daily Alaskan., 1913-01-14
TIE DUMB WAITER
It Played a Low Down Trick on
 the Master of the House.
A HOT TIME ON A COLD NIGHT.


 a Thirsty Man's Craving For Drink
 and His Dosssd Persistence In At-
 tempting to Satisfy t.
 One of the old time humorous writ CTS was "Sparrowgrass," and the fol lowing account of his adventure with dumb walter gives a good idea of hls amusing style:
 One evening Mrs. S. had retired and was busy writing when It struck me a glass of Ice water would be pal atahle. So l took the candle ana pitcher and went down to the pump Our pump Is In the kitchen. A couh- try pump fin the kitchen Is more con venient but a well with buckets IS cer- tainly most picturesque. Unfortunate ly our we'll water has not been sweet since It was cleaned out
 First 1 had to open a bOlted door that lets you into the basement hai' and then I went to the kitchen door, which proved to be locked. Then l re- membered that our girl always car ried the key to bed with her and slept with 1t under her pillow. Then l re- traced my steps, bolted the basement door and went up Into the dining room. As Is always the case, found when could not get any water l was thirstler than I supposed l was. Then l thought I would wake our girl up. Then I concluded not to do 1t. Then I thought of the well, but l gave that up on account of It's flavor. Then l opened the closet doors. There was no water there. Then I thought of the dumb waiter! The novelty of the idea made me smile. l took out two of the movable shelves, stood the pitcher on the bottom of the dumb waiter, got In myself with the lamp. let myself down until I supposed I was within a foot of the floor below and then let go.
 We came down so suddenly that I was shot out of the apparatus as 1T 1t had been a catapult It broke the pitcher. extlnguished the lamp and landed me in the middle of the kitchen at midnight, with no Ire and the air not much above the zero point The truth Is | had misCaIcuIated the dis tance of the descent Instead of failing one foot. had fallen five, My first impulse was to ascend by the way came down. but l found that imprac- ticable. Then I tried the kitchen door. If was locked. l tried to force 1t open Ii was made of two inch stun and held its own. Then l hoisted a window, and there were the rigid iron bars. IT I ever felt angry at anybody 1t was at myself for putting up those bars to please Mrs. Sparrowgrass. l put them up not to keep people in, but to keep people out
 I laid my cheek against the ice cold barriers and looked at the sky, Not a star was visible. 1t was as black as ink overhead. Then l made a noise. l shouted until was hoarse and ruined our preserving kettle with the poker. That brought our dogs out in full bark and between us We made the night hideous Then thought l heard a voice and listened It was Mrs Spar rowrrass calling to me from the top of the staircase. | tried 10 make her hear me. but the internal dogs united with howl and growl and bark, SO as to drown my voice, which is naturally plaintive and tender. Besides, there were two bolted doors and double dear ened floors between us. How could she recognize my voice, even if she did hear it2
 MT Sparrowgrass called once or twice and then got frightened The next thing I heard was a sound as if the roof had fallen fin, by which un' derstood that Mrs Sparrowgrass was sprInging the rattlel That called out our neighbor already wide awake. he came to the rescue with a bull terrier a Newfoundland pup, a lantern ana a revolver. The moment he saw me at tbe window he shot at me, but tortu' nately lust missed me. l threw myself under the Kitchen table and ventured to expostulate with him, but he would not listen to reason. In the excite ment | had forgotten his name, and that made matters worse It was no' until be had reused up everybody around. broken in the basement door with an ax. got Into the kitchen with his cursed savage dogs and shooting iron and seized me by the collar that he recognized me, and then he wanted me to explain 1t! But what kind of an exclamation could | make to himl told him he would have to walt undI my mind was composed and then would let him understand the matter