davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1913-02-08

again and see if the body isn't up to
time? Let it linger on your tongue
little longer"
Mr.. Bowser lifted the jug for the
fourth time, and the gurgle in his
throat had the sound of a brook run
ming away. When he finally choked
off. he sighed and wiped off his mouth
and said:
THE body is all right. You can write
to your brother-in-law that this is at
least xxx peach brandy and that
no Frenchman has ever made better.
He has only got to keep right on to
make himself famous. Tell him that
Mr.. Bowser says So"
Il WILL sir, and thanks to you again
You will probably receive jug of it
yourself next week.
When Mr.. Bowser got his beefsteak
under his arm and started for home,
he felt soft and oily and good-natured.
A street car passed, and he nodded and
smiled at the motorman. A grocers
boy came along with a basket of pota-
toes, and he was patted on the back
and told to keep right on if he wanted
to be president of the United States.
Mr. Bowser entered by the basement
door and called the cook "old girl"
as he handed her the steak. He was
laughing as he went up to the sitting
room, and after long look at him
Mrs. Bowser asked:
We'll, did you meet up with a funny
adventure while getting your meat?''
Il did. Ha! ha. hal" he laughed.
Say. what is the blamed old owl of a
cat looking at?''
AT you, probably. She hasn't heard
you laugh like that for six months
What was the fun?''
why, Ina! ha! hal 1t was just too
rich for anything. I can't talk of it
without almost choking. By George
but I wish you had been there!"
But what was it?'' persisted Mrs
Bowser.
1T was in Chicago 10 years ago-ha!
ha! ha! 1 was going along State street
, just behind an old rooster when all of
a sudden he-haI ha! ha, Saw T can't
tell it! It's too funny"
What was the rooster doing on fine
street,"
He was-ha! hal ha,-walking
along. Don't ask me to tell YOU the
rest I can't do it without chokfng,"
MI Bowser rocked back and forth
a, +t slapped his leg and grew purple
IN the race, and the cat sat up and
looked at him out of eyes as big as
saucers Kitten and cat, she had been
IN the Bowser family for years, and
she had never seen the head of the
FAMILY so affected before Mrs. Bow
was also looking, and as a sus-
inquired: 9Ae
DID the butcher ask you out to
or INK when you bought the meat?"
course not-hal ha. ha. I wish Won,
could have seen that old rooster, No:
the butcher didn't ask me out to drink
he had jug of peach brandy. and
When he struck an icy spot that old
ROSTERS heels-hal ha, har,
And he treated you to peach
brandy" she asked
II had to taste of it to tell him
whether it was xxx or not. When
his heels flew up, that old rooster
spread his wings and clawed the air
and yelled out and sailed around and
hal ha! hal"
For a minute Mr.. Bowser was in
danger of a stroke of apoplexy Then
his laughter died away in a long-drawn
groan, and he looked at Mrs. Bowser in
a pitiful way and asked:
Isn't it too bad that my Cousin Joe
is dead? Joe was a mighty good Teller,
mighty good. 1 can't think of him
without crying
do you realize she asked, know
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1913-02-08
Heard in the Firth Grade.

And angle is a triangle with only two
sides.
Geometry teaches us how to bisex
angles.
Parallel lines are the same distance ali;
the way and do not meet unless you bend
them.
Horsepower is the distance one horse
can carry pound of water in one hour
Gravttatfon is that which if there were
none should all fly away.
A vacuum is a large empty space where
the Pope lives.
Agebraical symbols are used when you
don know what you are talking about
A renegade is a man who kills a kinc
In India man out of caSk may not
marry woman out of another cask
The Salic law is that you must take
lions, goats and other animals go after
they are dead.
The Zodiac is the Zoo of the sky, where
everything with a grain of salt
Sure! So Is Everything Else.
Elevator call in department store:
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1913-02-08

scavenger business with ramshackle
old wagons and ramshackle old horses.
One of these darkies, on the way
to the polls to vote against the mayor,
was asked why he opposed Marshall
wy am / gwine L vote agin dat
man? WY, dat lowflung rascal done
took tn garbage right outen my
MOUTH
j. j r
The Duke of Wellington. who had
taste for anything that Napoleon had
liked. applied TO David the artist, who had
painted Napoleon's portrait, requesting
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1913-02-08
The InstalIment Plan.
SUNDAY

In eighteen hundred eighty-ohe
| listened to a man,
And he sold me fine shotguh
on the installment plan
I'd like to get the paying done
But don't believe L can.
Each Monday during all the years
He's been right at the door
1t seems as though he really fearS
I'll seek some foreign shore;
And each time that the man appears
L swear to have his gore
The whole world seems to stop until
lily my share each week. ,,,u
You'd think it was a monstrous oii
To hear the fellow speak
In tones mysterious until
1 feel just like sneak.
I'm sure that when | die
I'll still be on his slate,
And every Monday he Will hle
Unto the pearly gate
And cali me out and heave sigh
If I'm one minute late.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1913-02-08

Egber+ Peavey is going the pace
+ba+ Hills according to reports from
down to the city. He didn't get TO
he'd before 9 o'clock any night ldsl
week. He is getting to be quite
aromatic cricket, having ATTENDED,
tbrae movin' picture shows within a
month. The Rev. Hudnut has got q
Good Job planning off the bottoms OIL
the church doors with a safety razor
So they will open easy and folks won
have so much trouble getting in
Miss Amy Pringle lost most all OF
her bangs last week when she was
calling on Mrs. Jed F'rink and was
nIaving with Mrs. Frink's cat, which
is one of the best ratters in this vi
cinity. Gradma Perkins is shiglin's the
school house at this writing and it is
feared she is near her journeys end.
Mrs. Arson F'risby was going to join
the Daughters of the American Revo-
luton and was searching through her
family tree when she found five an
cestors had died in states prison, four
in the asylum, and nine in the poor
house. She has given up joining the
Daughters of the Revolution and will
join the Larkin Soap club instead,
where you don't have to have any
pride of ancestry or hope of posterity
James Stebbins has got a wen on
his nose and every time he wants to
look crossways he has to turn around.
Grandma BibbinS says when a fell
Ter gets a new linen handkerchief out
of the store it is like wiping your nose
on a pane of glass.
A blunt person is all right, of course.
but, as fer me, I'd rather hear 'em
palaver once in awhile. 1t sounds nice
and don't DO a Teller any harm, whether
it is true or not
It amt so very hard to git rich so long
as you can earn plenty of money ana
never spend any.
Two can live as cheaply as one if they
live with her folks and don't pay any
board.
they say it costs twice as much to live
nowadays as it did forty years ago. Welt
by gravy, it is worth about five times as
much.
Hank Tumms says he doesn't go oat-
mobile riding with everybody. No in
deed. They don't all ask him.
The Teller who gives the cheapest pres
emit is always the one who talks the m EST
about It,
Hold Peters wife belongs to so many
lit'ry clubs that Hold hasn't had a sus-
pender button that he could place apy
confidence in for nine years.
IF every Teller would work as hard u
hang onto his job as he does to get it
back after he loses it, the batting aver
age of efficiency in this country would
jump about 100 per cent.
The brass bands with the flashiest uni
forms gen ally make the music that is tie
hardest to listen to.
Old Col. Hardtack. a Civil war vet
eran. had a cork leg which caused mis-
family a great deal of trouble. When
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1913-02-08

on the officer said in disgust You're
a fine soldier! You've given up your
rifle. and now what are you going to
do?" The young fellow drew out a
dangerous knife and exclaimed, "Give
me that rifle or I'll cut your heart
outr' The officer was more than con-
WINGED that he would and hastily
handed the weapon back.
George s. Marshall was elected as
a reform mayor of Columbus and did
a lot of reforming before he was de-
feated for reelection. One of the re-
forms was the establishment of a
garbage disposal plant. This threw
out of employment a lot of darkies
who had formerly done a general
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1913-02-08

Backward. turn backward, o, Time in
thy flight.
Make me boy again, just for night
Let me seek slumber in comfort, ar
rayed
In an old flannel nightgown like my
mother made.
Backward. turn backward Time in
thy flight
Let me forget these pajamas So tight.
These new tangled 'jamas with puckerln'
string.
The old flannel nightgown-ah, that was
the thingi
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1913-02-08
A Memory.

prised that you don't know. They catch
them on fly paper of course
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1913-02-08

To test a sentry an officer, after the
salute, said: Let me see your rifle"
The recruit handed it over, where-up-
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1913-02-08
DINNER STORIES.

Lord Charles Beresford told of one
of his tenants who conducted a small
undertaker's establishment in Water
ford. One day he asked how business
was Grand. me lord" she exclaimed.
81 now have the luckiest little hearse
you ever saw. Glory be to goodness, it
was never a day idle since 1 got it,
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1913-02-08
GENTS CLOTHING. SHOES
AND NECKWEAR
GOING UPr
The Versifier's Lament.

The Versifier's Lament
Gee. but this is dismal world
When all you've got to do
Is to tinker up lot of jokes
And verses just to tickle folks
And make 'em smile with You.
sometimes when you have thought one up,
And it is no small chore,
The old subscriber, when it's read
VIII murmur, as he rubs his head
i've read that thing before
Another thing which adds much joy
Unto the writer's life
Is to have some mutt come along
And get off this familiar song:
Who writes that dope? Your wife?"
How to Catch Reed Birds.
George Fitch, the famous author of the
SlWaSh stories and the motorboat stories,
was dining contiguous to the writer re-
Gently and reed birds were on the bill of
fare. Reed birds are so small that it is
almost necessary to take microscope 10
perceive them on the plate.
George, how do they get these mr.
crobes, anyhow; do they shoot 'em, spear
EN- or catch them in a net?'
Well draw1ed George Il am sur
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1913-02-08

It VIII be noted that in the above list
We have made no allowance for amuse-
ments. Those desiring amusement of
cheap yet clean order find it in
salaries.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1913-02-08

David to execute one of himself. ''Sif."
replied David, II paint only historical
characters
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1913-02-08
How to Live on SO a Week.

Coal .........................$ $50
1elepIone ~
Rent Observation-Disclosures. $50
Gas OBSERVATION-DISCLOSURES. so
Meat ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS. 40
Groceries ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS. OH
Clothing NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS.. 5.24
Laundry Observation-Disclosures. .65
Washerman Observation-Disclosures. 2.uo
Car fare NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS.. so
CHuTcn cOnIrlDuIlOn Observation-Disclosures
insurance ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS 2.21
Barbering Observation-Disclosures. .43
Total NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS.. $50. 70
1t will be noted that in the a nvo LIST
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1913-03-13
Annapolis News.

Coot Campbell of near Ironton was
in Annapolis Saturday and Sunday to
see his mother, Sarah j. Campbell,
and sister, Dizzy Kitchell.
John Smith is in town looking after
his best girl. ,
Anna Fancher, who has been very
sick with pneumonia fever, is better.
Lucian Kelly, who has also been
very sick, is said to be improving.
There is a good practice awaiting
any good doctor who will locate here.
We have as good people here, OF bet
ter, as in lots of towns on the Iron
Mountain railroad. There has been
some "throwing off" or this town ever
since the Mullane rape case. But the
good people deplore that affair great
ly. The prosecuting attorney is doing
his duty and all good citizens endorse
his actions. l do not understand why
the DOCTORS wife does not want to
live in Annapolis.
Some moving the past week. j. D,
Mann has given up the hotel and gone
to Frank Sanders farm on Black river
to farm another year. Mrs. Fannie
Reese has taken charge of the hotel.
G.. Mann has bought the Marion
Lewis farm and moved to it last week
W. O. Bunch and Charles Phillips o.
Reynolds county were in town to-day
Sam Fitz Of Des Arc is in town to-
day buying lumber and ties.
Two cars off the track here Sunday
and the section men worked unit
midnight to get them on the rail
again.
Santhoff & Bro. loaded about $4,000
feet of lumber here Saturday; ovel
16, 900 feet in one car, fine yellow pine
James Kelley of st. Louis is here tC
see his sick brother. He has been alb
sent over nine months and has a gooC
Job as motorman at $50 a month.
James West, Of st. Louis, n of oul
old time boys, vas on our streets TIVE
or three days la week. Mr.. West il
section foreman for the Iron Noun
tain railroad and has held his presen
position ten years OF more.
James j. Sutton is in town to-day
looking after his sheep.
Gus Funk will open a store thi
week in the building now occupiedb!
Squire Kitchell, who has sold out Il
Dizzy Kitchell. She is moving to-da,
to the house occupied by L. 7. Webb.
BULLETIN.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1913-03-13
first part of the week visiting friends


in Bismarck.
Mr.. and Mrs. VIM. Shelton, of Cedar
Grove, passed through our town last
Saturday enroute from Ironton where
they visited their daughter, Mrs. Geo.
Hanson.
These from here to attend the Iron
County Teachers Examination at
Ironton last Friday and Saturday
we're: Victor Boring, Misses Lizzie
Russell and Ruth Bynum.
Rev. L. E. Sitton, who has been on
the sick list for two weeks, was able
to fill the pulpit at Cedar Grove last
Sunday.
Rev. Newton Smith filed his regular
appointment at the Presbyterian
Church last Sunday, but being in the
midst of a revival meeting at Gale
donia, he did not stay over for an
evening service.
Our town and surrounding commun-
ity are being swept by a measles
epidemic, there being about eighteen
case, but no fatal results thus far.
Mrs. VIM. Keithley's mother and
sister who have been here on a visit,
returned to their home in Des Arc
last Sunday. They we're accompanied
by Mrs. Keithley.
Rev. Luther Sitton left last Monday
to visit friends and relatives in Des-
loge.
John @. Russell and wife were visit.
ors in Ironton last Monday.
ALPHA.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1913-03-13
GOOdWater Items.

We r having some nice weather
now. The sunshine and wind has
dried up the roads considerably.
Farmers are getting ready for their
spring work.
Lot of tie hauling these days.
Miss Annie Duncan, of Flat River
visited relatives last week.
Mr.. Geo. w. Love and son, Homer,
moved to Des Arc recently. Mr..
Love was a good neighbor.
Mr.. J. L. Carl and wife, of Ironton,
haved moved on "Uncle Doll' Loves
farm here.
Mr.. and Mrs. Odes Carl have had a
very sick child the past week.
Master Ralph Crocker has been very
sick.
Miss Agnes Payne, of lower Cour-
tots, visited relatives here this week.
Our saw-mill is not doing much on
account of no log haulers.
Mr.. Sam Croker went to Belgrade
last Wednesday.
Lindsa Croker has bought a saddle
horse. L. W. s.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1913-03-13
Des Arc Items.

We had some weather last week.
The thermometer went down to 8. The
last few days have been like spring,
and are beginning to SOW oats.
We have a cross tie war on here,
and, consequently, some mighty poor
ties are being accepted. Somebody
WITH get hurt, financially. They should
pull together, and take nothing but
good ties.
Lots of sickness hereabouts, but no
deaths 80 far.
VIM. Stevenson and wife made a
business trip to Williamsville and out
to his farm on Otter Greek last week.
d. +. Stevenson, u big mill man
from Taskee, was a visitor here last
week. He has the best constructed
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1913-03-13

mill l ever saw. He has a slab con-
veyor, working on an endless chain,
that takes his slabs and rubbish 500
feet, or more, from his mill, conse-
quently there is no danger from fire.
Half the mills that burn catch from
the slab fire.
Rev. Jayeox, Methodist, filed his
regular appointment here to-day.
Our Sunday Schools prospering un-
der the management of j. L. Strader
and Prof. Mckee. We had a new or
ganist to-day (Sunday.) Miss Esther
Myers, daughter of the late John My
ers. She is IA years of age and a won
derful performer she has a fine touch
and, if properly trained, will make a
fine musician. She is a pupil Of Prof.
Mckee and is well advanced.
I intended saying something abont
women suffrage. 1 believe they will
vote in our next general election,
Notwithstanding Mr.. Bowers, the rep
resentative from Wayne county, is
fighting them.
Now | am going to say something
about the graft that is going on in this
country. Some time ago a hod carri-
er, or laboring man, died in st. Louis.
He had saved $1,000 and deposited it
in a bank. He died and the under
taker buried him, and when the ad-
ministrator went around to psy the
bill it was $1122. He had charged $500
for the casket and 800 for the outside
box; $40 for the preacher and a bill
| for nineteen carriages at the funeral.
The probate court refused to pay the
bill. The casket was taken from the
grave and another undertaken testified
it was worth but $75. The undertake
er had made a charge of 81 for shoes
An examination revealed that the
corpse was in his sock feet; the min
lister got so, not $40. There were but
three carriages at the funeral, not 10
The undertaken is now under bond
No wonder the people want a change
ISAAC.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1913-03-13
Who can save you money! We can,
"We can save you money"
B. N. Brown.
BeIleview News.

Miss Pearl Moore, Of near Iron
Mountain, visited Mrs. Ethel Philips
last week.
Norman White, of Caledonia, was
in town last Thursday.
Harry Russell was in Ironton last
Friday and Saturday, having dental
work done.
John French and family, also Russell
Queen and wife, have moved to IRON
dale.
w. A. and Gentry Meyer we're bust
ness visitors in Ironton one day last
week.
Mrs. James Campbell, also, Mrs. ].
o. Campbell were shopping In Ironton
last Tuesday.
Victor Boring spent a few days the
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1913-03-13
1t Came BY Parcel Post.
G. G. K~AEsEMACHER.

-
Every thing we hear about it came by
parcel post.
Of all the things they send around, 1
know there are a host.
My sister has adandy beau-she hasn't
had him long;
l asked her where she picked him up
to ask was nothing wrong.
1t made her mad somewhat at first
thought her | tried to roast
But finally she up and said, "He came
by parcel post!"
Paw sent for a typewriter; it Jeanne by
parcel post.
Twas whenit came we were surprised,
and nav l guess the most:
All week she'd been SO awful cross
she never spoke to dad;
| guess she tho't some girl would come,
and that's what made her mad.
When paw came home from work that
night, she Rugged him awful close:
81 didn't know that thing you got
would come by parcel post"
A new brother came around, l guess
by parcel post;
u ~ oAO uhlASo OudU puAhlou AO OndU
baby did the most.
l didn't know just who to ask, and ev-
erything seemed wrong.
One day 1 saw paw sitting down; of
curse / wasn't long
To ask from where my brother came,
since I believe him most;
eff that is all you want to know, he
came by parcel post"
CHORUS.
Everything we hear about, it came by
parcel post:
From the shore of the Atlantic to the
Pacific coast;
Of what we wear, justeverything from
underwear to cloak;
Of what we eat most anything, from
eggs to billy goat,
And everyone you chance to ask, they
answer with a boast,
"Why, don't you know from where it
came? 1t came by parcel post"
TRY this on your piano. If you can't, and
you're from Missouri, the writer will "show
you."o
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1913-03-13
Personal

B. N. Brown was in st. Louis last
week.
Mr.. H. N. Collins is IN st. Louis
this week.
Mrs. E. H. Deweese has been quite
sick the past week.
Mrs. G. G. Curtis of Sikeston, Mo-,
is visiting relatives in Ironton.
DIR. @. H. Jones of Brunot was an
Ironton visitor last Wednesday.
Mr.. and Mrs. S. P. Ringo and Ar
thur Herbert went to st. Louis Sun
day.
Mrs. H. M. Collins left last Wednes-
day on a visit to relatives in Steel
vile, Mo.
Aug. ~Trauernicht, wife and little Ell
lis Lee, of Bonnie Terre, visited rela-
tives in Ironton last week.
Mrs. A. F. Bond will leave next
week to spend the Easter season with
her mother in western Missouri.
Miss Aurelia Galloway returned to
her home in Poplar Bluff Sunday after
visitingther sister, Mrs. R. P. Whit
worth.
Mrs. T. J. st. Louis arrived in IRON
ton last Wednesday, coming from
Pennington, New Mexico, where she
spent the winter.
Mrs. Barton Way Suwyer and her
two little boys, who had been guests
of Mrs. Sadie Fletcher Arcadia since
Christmas, have returned to their
home in Chase, B. @.
Anything in the way of plumbing
may be safely entrusted to J. @. En-
ders. He is a good machinist ane
painstaking. If you need a pump, &
bath-tub, a kitchen sink or lavatory
call on him. Engines and machinery
of all kinds repaired and adjusted.
Try our One pound Fresh Churnee
Butter, 80 cents. JERsEYDALE DAIRY
Co., phone 81.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1913-03-13

Just received a large car of Wire
Fencing, Barb Wire, Staples and
Nails. This car was contracted for last
fall, before there was any advance in
price. We are selling at the former
low price, whicd simply means better
fence for less money than you can get
elsewhere. LOPEZ STORE Co.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1913-03-13
School Notes.

Iron County schools are planning
another track meeting to be held here
in the spring. Boys, get your legs
limbered up.
Base ball has begun to take a new
lease on life again.
The pupils of the seventh and eighth
grades held their literary, program
Monday morning; was to have been
given Friday, but was prevented by
teachers examination. These pupils
have a very active organization. They
have bought a Library case Which
cost $40, to replace the M that has
grown too small. They,have received
So 800 worth of books this week. The
money has been raised by the children
under dual donations.
The primary room received some
new books for supplementary reading
this week. The first grade pupils will
have read five or more books by the
close of this year. The second grade
six or more. Little folks enjoy read
ing suitable books as we'll as older.
The English classes have.been study
ing poetry the past week and r try
ing their hand at the verse making.
They hope to show you some of their
efforts.
The Agriculture class have been
making hot beds this week. They ex-
pect to be able to supply the home
demand for slips for transplanting.
The high school received a letter
from the University of Missouri this
week announcing the complete ap-
proved of our work here. Last fall
the state department made the in
spection of Jul high school and re-
ported the same to the University.
The classification was made on this re-
port from the state department. The
University does not always see fit to
approve according to the state report
so this marks another step I'M advance
for Ironton. 1t is hard to fully APP
preciate the full value of approval by
all the state institutions of u pupils
work.