The Mt. Sterling advocate. (Mt. Sterling, Ky.) 1890-current, 1913-01-15
The DUMB WAITER
It Played a Low Down Trick on
the Master OF the House.
A HOT TIME ON A COLD NIGHT.

| Inc Iroupie was tne DIrect Result OF
q Thirsty Mans Craving For Drink
and His Dossed Persistence In At
tempting to Satisfy II.
One Of the old time humorous writ
ers was "Sparrowgrass," and the fol-
lowing account Of his adventure with
q dumb waiter gives a good idea Of his
amusing style:
One evening Mrs. s. had retired,
and was busy writing when 1t struck
Inc a glass Of Ice water would be pal
atable. So / took the candle and a
pitcher and went down to the pump
Our pump is in the kitchen. A coun-
venient, but well with buckets is GER
tainly most picturesque. Unfortunate
ly our well water has not been sweet
since 1t was cleaned out.
| First / had to open bolted door
that let's you into the basement hall,
and then l went to the kitchen door,
| which proved to be locked. Then / re-
membered that our girl always car
ried the key to bed with her and slept
with 1t under her pillow. Then l re-
traced my steps, bolted the basement
door and went up into the dining room.
AS is always the case, found when
could not get any water / was thirstier
than l supposed l was. Then
| thought / would wake our girl up.
Then / concluded not to do it. Then
1 thought Of the well, but gave that
| up on account of its flavor. Then |
opened the closet doors. There was no
water there. Then l thought Of the
dumb waiter! The novelty Of the idea
made me smile. l took out two of the
movable shelves, stood the pitcher on
| the bottom Of the dumb waiter, got in
myself with the lamp, let myself down
until l supposed l was within foot
Of the floor below and then let go.
We came down so suddenly that !
was shot out of the apparatus as If it
had been a catapult. 1t broke the
pitcher, extinguished the lamp and
landed me in the middle of the kitchen
at midnight, with no fire and the air
not much above the zero point. The
truth is l had miscalculated the dis
lance of the descent. Instead of falling
one foot, / had fallen five. My first
impulse was to ascend by the way ]
came down, but 1 found that imprac-
ticable. Then / tried the kitchen door.
1t was locked l tried to force 1t open.
1t was made of two inch stuff and held
its own. Then l hoisted a window,
and there were the rigid iron bars. If
ever felt angry at anybody it was at
myself for putting up those bars TO
please Mrs. Sparrowgrass. put them
up not to keep people in, but to keep
people out.
| laid my cheek against the ice cold
barriers and looked at the sky. Not a
star was visible. 1t was as black as
shouted until l was hoarse and ruined
our preserving kettle with the poker.
That brought our dogs out in full bark,
and between us we made the night
hideous. Then | thought | heard a
voice and listened. 1t was Mrs. Spar
rowgrass calling to me from the top
Of the staircase ] tried to make her
hear me, but the internal dogs united
with howl and growl and bark, so as
to drown my voice, which is naturally
plaintive and tender. Besides, there
were two bolted doors and double deaf
ened floors between us. How could she
recognize my voice, even if she did
hear it?
Mr.. SparrOwgrass called once or
twice and then got frightened. The
next thing | heard was a sound as If
the roof had fallen in, by which | I'M
derstood that Mrs. Sparrowgrass was
springing the rattle! That called out
our neighbor, already wide awake. He
came to the rescue with bull terrier,
a Newfoundland pup, lantern and a
revolver. The moment he saw me mt
the window he shot at me, but fOrtu- |
natey Just missed me. threw myself |
under the kitchen table and ventured
TO eXpOstuate with him, but he would |
not listen TO reason. In the excite |
ment | had forgotten his name, and |
that made matters worse. 1t was not |
until he had reused up everybody |
around. broken in the basement door
with an aX, got into the kitchen with |
his cursed savage dogs and shooting |
iron and seized me by the collar that |
he recognized me, and then he wanted
me to explain it. But what kind of an |
explanation could | make to him? |
told him he would have to wait until |
my mind was composed and then |
would let him understand the matter |
fully.