davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-13
Hints to the Editor.

Newly, yes, Mr.. Bluepencil. I
think [ have a bale or two of rem
nants left over down at Trenton. But
really that isn't what l am after this
morning. l wanted to say to you
officially, but confidentially, of course,
that my Ambassador to Great Britain
has just cabled his resignation to the
State Department What with a lit
tie breakfast he gave last week to
the President of France and his tips
at his own presentation to the King,
he has already spent four years sal
ary, and he does not feel that he can
afford to stay over there much after
the first of September
" Editor-Tm on. I getcha.
Me-Now, of course, I've got to fill
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-13

can always manage to pull some
thing resembling a living out of a
reluctant earth. If a man slips up
on being Captain of Industry he can
lecture on a Sightseeing Coach, or If
that fails him under present condi-
tions in this old town, by little
economy he can live on his tips"
"And at the worst" said the Bib
liomaniac, "you always have Mrs.
Pedagog to fall back on"
"Yes," said the idiot "The state
Of my bill at this very moment shows
that 1 have credit enough with Mrs.
Pedagog to start three national banks
and trust company. But, for
tunately for me, don't have to do
either. have found my opportunity
lying before me in the daily news
papers, and I am about to start
new enterprise which is not only
going to pull a large and elegant
series of chestnuts out of the fire for
me but for all my subscribers as
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-13

reading, with Mrs. Pedagog tacking
amendments on to the end of it with
every passing day. Unfortunately for
you in your emergent hour, the Edi-
tors either view your manuscripts
with suspicion or, what is more like
ly, refuse to look at them at all. They
care nothing for your aspirations or
your inspirations
"Your immediate prospect holds
nothing in sight save the weary par
eel postman. with his bent form,
delivering daily at your door eleven
pound packages of unappreciated SON
nets. You do not dare think ON the
morrow, what ye shall eat, and
wherewithal shall ye be clothed, be-
cause no man liveth who can pur-
chase the necessities of life with re-
lection slips-those checks on the
Banks of Ambition, payable in the
Editors Regrets"
by George" blurted the Poet feel
ingly, you're dead right about that.
old man. If Editors Regrets We're
legal tender could pay off the Ma
tional Debt
Precisely" said the Idiot. And
It is Just here, my dear friend, that
the U. S. Telephone Aid Society
rushes to your assistance. Your case
is brought to the society's attention,
and I, as President. Secretary. Treas
urer, and General Manager of the in
stitution, look into the matter at
once.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-13
What's the Answer?

:" 1 never was any good at riddles"
said the Idiot. and that one is too
subtle for me. If I want a good law
yer, what is the matter with you?
Hal Huml Well, I give it up, but
I'm willing to be what the ancients
used to call the Goat. If I want a
good lawyer, Brudder Bones, what IS
the matter with you? I ask the ques-
tion-what's the answer?"
"I don't KNOW" grinned the Law
yer.
"Well, I guess that's It," said the
Idiot. "If i want a good lawyer I
want one who does know"
But what's this new society going
to do?" interrupted the Poet. II
am particularly interested In any sort
of a scheme that is going to make
you rich without forgetting me. If
there's any pipeline to prosperity,
hurry up and let me know before 1t Is
too late"
Why, it is simplicity ITSELF" said
the Idiot 'The u. S. Telephone
Aid Society is designed to carry First
Aid to the Professionally Injured.
You have doubtless read recently in
the newspapers how Damon, re-
tired financier, desirous of helping his
old friend Pythias, an equally re-
tired attorney, back into his quon-
dam practice-please excuse that
word quondam, Mrs. Pedagog; it
isn't half as profane as it sounds
went to the telephone and imper-
sonating j. Mulligatawny Solon, Mem
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-13
Helping Poets.

"I find your work meritorious. No
Editor has ever rejected 1t because
It lacked literary merit. He even
goes so far as to print statement OF
that fact upon the slip he sends back
with 1t on its homeward journey.
Like most other Poets you need
little food once in awhile. A roof to
cover your head is essential to your
health, and under the existing laws
of society you simply must wear
clothes when you appear in public,
and 1t becomes the Society's worthy
Job to aid you in getting all these
things.
$50 we close contract providing
that for ten dollars down and 10 per
cent. of the gross future receipts, I.
or the Society. agree to secure the
publication of your sonnets, rom
deaux, limericks, and triolets in the
Hyperion Magazine"
THAT would be bully II you could
only pull it off," said the Poet, falling
naturally into the terminology Of Mil
ton. "But don't just see how you're
going to turn the trick
ION the regular Damon and Pythias'
principle, as set forth in the newspa-
pers," said the idiot. Immediately
the contract between us is signed I
rush, to the nearest pay station and
ring up the editor of the Hyperion
Magazine. and when I get him on the
line we converse as follows:
" Me-Is this the editor OF the Hype-
rion Magazine?
Editor-ubetcha. Who are you2
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-13

Me-Im President Wilson, down
at the White House.
Editor-Glad to hear from you,
Mr.. President. Got any more of that
new Freedom stuff on hand? We are
thinking of running a Department of
Humor in the Hyperion, and with a
little editing I think we could use
couple of carloads of it.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-13
By John Kendrick Bangs.

TTTELL. Mr.. idiot" said the
NV Doctor as the Idiot with
sundry comments on the
top-liftical condition of the thermom-
eter famed his fevered brow with a
tablespoon, "I suppose in view of the
hot weather you will be taking a va
cation very shortly"
Not only very shortly, but ex-
cessively shortly" returned the Idiot.
"Its shortliness will be of so brief
nature that nobody'll notice any va
cant chairs around where l am ac-
customed to sit. But let me tell you,
DIR. Squills, it is too hot for sarcasm,
SO withhold your barbs as far as am
concerned, will you? and believe me
always very truly yours, Nicholas ].
Doodlepate.'
Sarcasm?" said the Doctor in
surprised tone. "Why, my dear fell
low, wasn't sarcastic, was I? I am
sure I didn't mean to be-"
To the listeners ear it seemed So"
said the idiot. There seemed to me
to be traces of the aIkali of irony
mixed in with the tincture Of derision
In that question of yours. When you
ask Wall Street man these days If
he isn't going to take a vacation
shortly it is like asking a resident
of the Desert of Sahara why he
doesn't sprinkle little sand around
his place.
Life on Wall Street my good Sir,
of late has been just one darned vaca-
tion after another. The only business
have done in three months was to
lend one of our customers Nickel
taking a subway ticket and baseball
rain check as collateral security"
The idiot shook his head ruefully
and heaved a heart-rending sigh.
What we Wall Street fellows
need" said he, ais not a Vacation,
but a Vocation"
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-13
A Great Opportunity.

"Oh, well, a man of your fertility
of invention ought not to have any
trouble about that" said Mr.. Brief.
You should be able without killing
yourself to think up some new kind
of trade that will keep you busy until
the now-shoveling season begins
anyhow"
Yes.' said the idiot, Ordinarily
by the exercise of some ingenuity and
the use of these two brazen cheeks
with which nature has endowed me
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-13
THE GENIAL IDIOT is INSPIRED BY LAMAR OF WALL STREET

personal We make this business the
better"
see,' said the Poet, dejectedly.
But even at that, Mr.. Idiot. when
the Hyperion man doesn't get the
Ambassadorship, won't he sue me to
recover?"
oh, well, said the Idiot wearily.
you've got to assume some of the
burdens of the business yourself We
can't do it all, you know. But sun-
pose they do sue you? You never
heard of a magazine recovering anv-
thing from Poet, did you? You'd
get heap of free advertising out of
such a lawsuit. and If you were
canny enough to put out a book of
your verses while the newspapers
were full of 1t. they'd go off like hot
cakes. and you could retire with a
cool million"
:" And where do come IMP" asked
the Doctor Don't 1 get. any of
these plums of prosperity your Tele-
phonic Aid Society is to place with
In the reach of all?"
" Oh, payment of the fee of ten dol
lars, and signing the regular con-
tract" said the idiot "Ill do my
best for you. In your case I should
impersonate our good old friend An
drew Rockernegie. Acting in that ca
pacity would ring up Mr.. John
d. Reddymun, and you'd hear some
thing like this:
Me-Hello, Reddy-is this you?
"Reddymun-Yes Who's this?
"Me-This is Uncle Andy. How's
the leg this morning?
Reddymun-Oh, so so.
Me-Everybody pulling it, I sup
pose?
Reddymun-Abouf the same as
usual. It's curious, Andrew. how
many people are attached to my limb
and how few are attached to me.
Me-Yes, it's cold and cruel
world. John. But I'm through. I've
found the way out. They'll never pull
my leg again.
Reddymun-By George, old man,
l wish I could say as much.
Newell. you can if you'll only
do what 1 did
Reddymun-What's that?
Me-Had it cut off.
Reddymun-Nol
"Me-Yepi
Reddymun-When?
Me-Just now.
Reddymun-Hurt?
Me-Never knew what was hap
pening.
Reddymun-who did it?
Me-old DR.. Squills. He chargedN
me ten thousand dollars for the Job.
but I figure it out that it has saved
me $633,000,O00.
Reddymun-Send him around,
win you?,
Me-Ubetcha,
And them" said the Doctor
Honest or Phoney"
And them" echoed the Idiot
Well, If you don't know what you
would do If you We're offered $4,000
to cut mans leg off [ can't teach
you, but 1 have one piece of advice
to give you. When you get the order
don't go around there with a case full
of teaspoons and soup ladies, when
all you need is a good sharp carving
knife to land you in the lap of lux
uryi "
g And do you men think for one
single moment" cried the Landlady,
that all this would be honest busi-
ness?"
Well, in the very nature of the
case it would be a trifle phoney,'"
said the idiot, but what can a man
do these days, with his bills getting
bigger and bigger every day?"
I'D leave 'em unpaid first"
shifted the Landlady. contemptu-
ousy.
oh, very WE'LL" smiled the Idiot.
With your permission. ma'am. we
will. You don't know what load
you have taken off my mind"
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-13
Taking His Cue from Certain Recent Disclosures of That Genteans
Methods He Shows His Friends the Poet the Doctor How
They Might Be Put the High Road o Success
by Simply Ringing Up a Number.

well. If I can find a good lawyer
somewhere to draw up the papers of
incorporation for my United States
Telephone Aid Society I'll start in
business this very morning at the
nearest pay station
!" If you want good lawyer, what's
the matter with me?" asked Mr..
Brief.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-13

rung you up to talk about. There
seems to be but one serious objection
to your appointment, Mr.. Bluepencll.
AT Cabinet meeting called yester-
day to discuss the matter Mr.. Nc
Adoo expressed the fear that if YOU
go away for four years the quality of
the poetry in the Hyperion Magazine
Will fall off. In this contention Mr..
McAdoo was supported by the Secre-
tary of Agriculture, whose name es-
capes me at this moment, with the
Postmaster General and the Secretary
OF War on the fence. Mr.. Bryan was
not present, having gone West to at
tend Chautauqua strawberry fes-
tival in his honor at Winona- But In
any event there Is where the matter
rests at this moment.
The Cabinets Pet.
For my own part, however, after
giving the matter prayerful consid-
Grafton, I think can see a way out,
The whole Cabinet is very much in
terested In the poems of Willie VIM
pleton Spondy, the boy Watson. Nc
Adoo Is constantly quoting from him.
The Postmaster General has even
gone so far as to advocate the extern
sion of the franking privilege to him,
and as for myself, I have made it
practice for the last five years to be-
gin every day by reciting one of his
limericks before my assembled fam
fly.
Editor-I never heard of the boob.
Newell, you hear of him now,
and the whole thing comes down to
this: Mr.. Spondy will call at your Of
flee with couple of bales of his stuff
at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning. and
you might have something besides
pink rejection slip dripping with re-
grets ready for him. 1 don't know
what his rates are, but his stuff
runs about ninety pounds to the bale.
and what that comes to at fifty per
you can figure out for yourself.
Editor-How does Champ Clark
stand on this thing?
Me-He and Tommie Marshall are
with us to the last tintinnabuiation
of the gong.
Editor-Then l am to understand
just what. Mr.. President?
Me-That you. don't go to England
on our account until we are absolutely
assured beyond peradvanture that
there will be no deterioration in the
quality of Hyperion poetry during
your absence.
EDITORIAL right Send the guy
around this afternoon. He can send
the bale by slow freight. We always
pay in advance anyhow"
The idiot paused to take breath.
Then what?" asked the Poet, du-
biously.
You go around and get what's
coming to you," said the idiot "Or
perhaps it would be better to send a
messenger boy for it. The more I'M
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-13

ber of Congress from the Chillicothe
District, rang up Midas, Croesus, and
Dives, the eminent bankers. and rec
commended Pythias as the only man
this side of the planet Mars who
could stave off the ruthless destruc-
ton of their interests by an uncon-
trolled body of lawmakers.
Simplicity Itself.
Yes" said Mr.. Brief. "I read all
that, and 1t was almost as unreal as
page out of the Arabian Nights"
Wasn't It'll +" said the idiot. "And
yet how simplel Well, that's my
scheme in nutshell, only am going
to do the thing as a pure matter of
business. and not merely to show the
purity of my affection for any
Pythian dependent.
ITO show just how the plan will
work under my supervision let us
take your case first, Mr.. Poet. Here
you are this morning with your
board~bill already passed to its third
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-13

TTYELL, Mr.. idiot" said the
NV Doctor as the Idiot with
The Wheeling intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1903-1961, 1913-05-31

manner. say. lady" he said in a
voice shaking with feeling. I'm sure
sorry yer up against H."
Thanks for your sympathy" she
said gratefully. And now. IL you will
pass me that decaater and those COB
lets behind you on the sideboard. We
will drink 10 your better employment
and my better fortune
Thank you" as he filed the heav.
lily chased cup and handed IL 20 her.
She raised II 10 her lips and said. To
your future health and prosperity"
Same To you." warmly responded
Jerry. smackinG his lips and setting
the goblet on the table. She made a
quick gesture with her hand.
Take ~ with you as souvenir OF
our meeting" she said Eraciously.
II anks. lady" said Jerry. slowing
T. away IN his pocket.
Then he added:
Since you was so white 10 a fol.
low, Id like 10 give YOU a souverinc
meself Yer see taking small.
carefully wrapped bundle from his
pocket and opening II. Il didn't meet
with no setbacks tonight before !
struck this crib. and YOU can see for
ycrself." revealing a number OF jewel.
Cd rings, pins. necklaces and bracelets
70 her astonished vision. so u YOU
will kindly accept this necklace. %
holding W n beautiful string OF dla.
monds and emeralds. I'd be mighty
proud ter give II ter YOU"
The Wheeling intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1903-1961, 1913-05-31

she said. Il mean business. and III
shoot at your first move"
All right. lady. all right" said
Jerry. sing out and let's sit Il over.
It's mo for the pen. guess"
Not so fast" she answered I've
always wanted 70 meet real. live
burglar. and now that I've got my
wish want TO ask you few cues
tons"
We'll. start the ball rollin'." said
Jerry. who was getting disguised with
the whole ahair. TDoes YOU want 20
know what church goes 70. or would
you Ike to know II I'm married or
single
The lady smiled Neither" she
said. but would Ike 20 know why
AN able bodied man like you can't find
something better 20 do than sneakiug
into other peoples houses n the
night? Isn't there plenty Of work for
"a man 10 DO that Is honest and re
specialize
DO YOU moan 70 say that YOU can;
make n living without taking what
doesn't belong 20 YOU? Why can't Won
drive wagon. or work in mill. or
Geo something 20 earn IN honest liv-
inc2'
Jerry sGuirmed unoasily in HIS
chair. "Cu' - out. mum. no said. rails
irc wrathfLl pair Of cycs 10 hers.
b "Cu' IL out ! didn't come out TO-
n'-h' 70 listen 70 sermon on hon
esty. II yoU'rc cOln' 20 call de COPS.
do j.. On hold yer Jaw. fer I amt in
no h1mor just about now 10 be
G-yed.
"Ru' Won haven't answered me-
Uor4ie.Cd -la lady .N-by- don. ,or,
The Wheeling intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1903-1961, 1913-05-31

tomorrow. II wouldn't be here now.
but for the monoErams. So. you see,
| know little about trouble myself
Is what yer givin' me on the level
LADY," asked Jerry as she closed her
eyes YEARLY for "A moment.
1t certainly is" she replied. Cant
you see how hard IL il for me- one
can never judge by appearances. A
rich dress does not always cover a
light heart. and a smile often hides a
tear. | suppose that there are many
people who have enyied me. never
dreaming that ! have been living on
the brink OF ruin for months.
The end has come sooner than
expected Tomorrow will Ia Easter
Sunday. ! have foreotten that II was
so near passing a slender hand
YEARLY across her face.
We'll" with a bitter laugh, my
Easter gown won't create a furore
tomorrow
Come" she said. rousinG herself
and turning to Jerry. III is time YOU
were off"
He opened his eyes in astonish-
ment. Won don't mean ter let me
go" h asked.
certainly" she answered with a
faint smile Il wouldn't turn n dog
over 20 tho police on Faster Eve
Como. he quick, " will soon 10
morning. and daylight will overtake
vow"
Jerry looked at her in a perplcxed
The Wheeling intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1903-1961, 1913-05-31

WHY don't like" she gasped
"Oh. take IL. take IT," urged Jerry
closing up the bundle and stufing /
back into his pocket. Easy como
easy 70. yer know.
Well. so long. and good luck" h,
whispered. as he swung himself soft,
from the window onto the roof an,
disappeared
Several minutes passed The LADY
stood holding the necklace IN hei
hand. watching the light fash anc
scintillate on the cleaning stones
She pursed up her lips and gave Q
low whistle
What beauty" she cried
Worth FIVE thousand dollars at least!
oh. the fool. the fool"
slowly she unwound the lace scar
from a sleek. black head. closely
cropped. and slipped out OF the en-
veloping folds OF the pink bath-robe,
standing revealed as young man
1.-the and slender
Luckily for me came through the
bathroom and heard him first" he
said TO himself. bringing UP a dark
lantern and black mask from some
where under the table. With one
hand on tho electric button he looked
cautiously about. then turned out the
light. climbed softly through the win.
Cow. and was gone in the night.
(CopWiobt The Front 4. Murscy COZ
The Wheeling intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1903-1961, 1913-05-31

ors with tho story. Du1 could sea
W. Ir.nkl" pocrinS through tho dusl.
~ MS direction. and rs his Cwplo--
"rs fac" caught tho raw Of tho road.
.r lamp. . seemed as if fWifchint
smile Iaesed over IT, The lecturer
was coming 20 tho conclusion that
bud was irving g. on tho dog"
Ih" l'cfGr" WAS about half over
WHOM Mr. Frirllc hcea1 a story
about q dog Who vas soon helping
along another dog whose leg had boon
broken Dud. c9=finr Lis owes on tho
screen. saw pictured thereon tho ir-i.
c"n'. Tho h.gt dog being cruelty Ike
-noop
This was M" last drop in poor Dud's
Gun ~ sorrow. which proceeded n
overflow Iko % hIhblnc fount Covcr.
ing his face vi'h his hands. - sohbed
aloud. wl.l" rho hof tears trickloi be.
tvc"n lis fingers Nr Prinkle paused
Tor moment. losifa'ed. 0rd ~.
tempted 'n CO ON arair. bat buds sob
Bad done ff- wrrt From around and
behind arI ir front o. him. arose sohs
also. vh.o sDr~os a. handkerchief
h"r'n 'o dab af vcf ovss Evidently
'Hrr" vDr" whole io' ~ peorfe In
il" Audience vlr he'd lost pct dogs.
'nI who vor" .r sympathy with tho
ucor rr. u..H~~ rui
i.-' iuv fr. balance ~ tho ercn.
irr passed. f'.I rcvrr Gu.t" t-ow. ITO
HtF cons. ."r l1 iHrr way. -
.r..~- .f 'r.. .r1 i. know. 600.
''.' '.n .D. .r lsl boon SUCCESS
Ono ching stool t.t Ir.-r.rarfIv
'H-"..h 'fr r .f Dis sorrow and
sf ''f "Hs '.r oo-'a'nfv
~ f'- r.''-.' k~ov ~ ~
The enterprise. [volume] (Harlem, Mont.) 1899-1926, 1913-07-17
Good oats at the elevator for Sl.23
per hundred while they last.

Good oats at the elevator for Sl.25
per hundred while they last.
The Malta ball team has one more
nine on their list that they can beat
at ball-Lovejoy.
Get your binder whip at kole's
They are the best and cheapest.
Prices from SOC to Sl.OO.
Rev. Cooklngham left Monday
night for Kalispell where he ad-
dressed the Good Roads conference
Tuesday.
Allan Arnot, Ike Murphy, Clarence
Cosner and DR.. Emmett DEWEY at
tended the rag time ball ut Wagner
last Friday night.
Mrs. John Kerr and daughters,
Misses orothy, Genevieve and Rose
Kerr. of Oberlin, Ohio, are guests of
Mrs. L. NJ. Faeey this week.
Tomorrow is a big day for Malta as
we have both II circus and the auto
mobile tour. There area laage mum
Der from the country who VIII be in
if the weather is so they can.
Harry Radiford arrived in this city
from Great Falls this morning to be
in attendance at the funeral Of his
brother-in-Iaw Norman Mcintyre.
Chas. Christie and wife and o. W.
Simonson and family expect to leave
Saturday for a few days sightseeing
through the Glacier National Park.
The two buildings to be occupied
| by the Good Drug Co., and b. ii
kol<e are nealy completed and will
DE ready for occupancy in few
days.
The new restaurant will be opened
! tomorrow morning for business. The
bakery department will not be openee
/ for 4 few days, however, AS the over
and some Of the fixtures have not
arrived.
John l.. Merchant, an old-timer il
these parts, was calling on friend;
here the first Of the week. He IL
now travelling salesman for 4 Grea1
Fails liquor house and expects to bt
in Malta every tAilty days.
Mae Shoop left town Tuesday morn
ING with II tour-horse load Of lumber
which he is hauling up near the Can
adian line. \ young lady from tow
recently filed Oh a homestead ant
will build II house on the claim.