The herald., 1913-04-17
ONE ON UNCLE
HENRY
His Generosity Cost Him a Neat Penny

L
beat It. Woman, woman, lovely wom-
an! Only the forethought of wise and
beneficent Providence, which prevent
! ed her from ever learning to throw
straight, makes life worth living. It's
80, by gracious!
Get the idea? They've got your
! number from the start They look diff
, ferent, think different, act different,
and are different from men. Well,
then, how you going to beat it! Eli?
Certainly you can't.
They've got you going and coming
because they know what you hold and
what you are going to draw. They
know the man who makes the cards.
They kid you along until you get to
| feeling good and then-and then
"Son, I've been up against this game
for years, but this Is the ultimate, eter-
nal limit. See thise tobacco coupons?
Bunch of 'em. huh? Well, sir, there is
what gets my goat.
There's exhibit A. Here, take EN-.
| put 'em in your pocket. Any more /
get are going over the same route. I'm
done. l know when / get mine good
and plenty, and I've got 1t.
Say, I'm so mad l can't talk and
I'm tired of making gestures. Heaven
IL my home, but If they ever hear up
in heaven some of the things I'm say
ing inside now I'll never get home.
Here's the idea. Listen to this.
Don't go way; I'm going to tell you
something that'n make your eyes
cross.
see? l smoke a few cigars-four or
five a day-good smokes. All the to-
bacco stores, pretty nearly, give cou-
pons. save 'em. Some of EN- blue;
some of 'em green. You know. Reg.
ular coupons.
"Other day got a prize list, see?
Read it over. Say, son, it's full Of good
things. Seems like every doggoned
thing l ever wanted is there. Bet you
the guy that picked out that bunch
knew his business. Regular wise old
owl.
Now listen. / read it all over and
was just about deciding on cocobola
hairbrush when all of a sudden my
better nature came to the front. Son,
make a wish. Never give way to your
better nature. It's sure to get you in
trouble.
"'No,' l says, says l. L had the fun
smoking the cigars. Now I'll be a
sport. 1t was my money, and I'll bet
they stung me more than the price Of
the prize in reducing the weight of the
cigar, but I'm game. Home to the wife
Of my BOSOM says. Besides, thinks
when she sees the womens things she
can get with those coupons 1t will put
me In soft. Soft? Did it? Say, I'm
telling this story.
Il wraps the coupons up in a nice
bundle and gets a new book from the
store all about what swell things wom-
en- can get. And mind you there's not
rs cents additional gag like there used
to be when was kind. Well, anyhow,
I took the whole outfit home.
"There,' says l to my wife. See
what brought to you. Look over that
catalogue of things you can get. I've
brought the entire thing home to you.
Take your time. Read the book all
through. And then leave 1t on the
bureau says, because I'd like to look
It over again myself
Say, son, she took 'em. I can see
you are not WE'LL she says-just like
that. I'm always suspicious of you,
Henry, when you>begin to get gener-
ous.' she says. Now wouldn't that take
the wind out of your sails?
"Well, sir, I could see she liked the
prize list. She read 1t, and read it, and
she didn't say anything at all. Then
she counted the coupons. Ever see a
woman count anything? Well, she had
those coupons all over the table, all
over the floor, all over the chairs. It
took her half an hour to count them.
"'Henry,' she says, give me your
pencil I gave 1t to her. She licked
the end of it-women always do-and
began to figure. She figured all over
the book, all over the newspaper, all
| ONoI luS SoupOuo. AZ idoI ouc say . .
Two hundred and fifty she says.
by gracious, she hit it right, too.
I don't know how she did 1t, but there
were just that many. Henry she
says, how much do you have to spend
IN the store to get one Of these cou.
pons? she says. I told her a quarter
Then she figured again and broke
the pencil. put new point on 1t and
she kept on figuring. At last she shifts
and says: $780, she says-just like
that. 'Sixty-two dollars and fifty cents,
she says. You have spent $3.50 for to
bacco when you have been telling me
you couldn't afford to buy me any
more hats, and you would not get my
watch that dropped fixed because II
cost ST.
$50 she says, I've got to the bot
tom of this. There is where the money
goes. Sixty-two dollars and fifty cents
you spent for tobacco. No wonder you
are always so poor. And now you want
to make me a roundabout present Of
pair of 60-cent curtains to hang In
the parlor and get all smelled up with
more Of your tobacco smoke. Henry
give me $25 for a new hat immediate