The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-06-08
Miss Ophelia Reforms CD the Colonel
BY KARL kAFFER

Zeke, "'taint nobody but de Kunnel
no one but the futurist knows what his
picture is all about.
And right here l defy any ordinary,
uninitiated person to tell futurist
landscape from a nest of snakes or il
bad trainwreck.
But to return to Miss Ophelia. She
gazed about the room for moment in
helpless dismay, and then she rose to
the occasion and sought out the Colo
mel in his favorte porch corner.
Uncle Randolph she ventuied. "Ill
clean your room for you today, and
you can set Zeke at something else
Never mind never mind said the
Colonel hastily. you run along, my
dear, Zeke'l do 1t all right" Miss
Ophelia didn't like to be told to run
along She stiffened little.
But. Uncle Randolph, he doesn't
straighten your things properly !
don't see how you ever find anything!
They are all every which-a way, In
sisted ophelia, reverting In her distress
to homely colloauialism.
That's all right" said the Colonel,
with complacence. II like 'em that
way" And he casually waved Miss
Ophelia away and resumed his perusul
of the sporting page of New York
paper.
only Miss Ophelia wouldn't be waved
away from any idea that had become
fixed in her mind.
She resolutely dsregarded the adage
of fools rushing in where angels fear
to tread, and did thing the Colonel s
wife wouldn't have done for season
matinee ticket She reduced the Colo
nel's dresser and mantel piece to order,
threw away bottles, papers and strings,
put clothes in their proper places and
Strengthened the room til it dio1it
know itself.
Then, in a justly virtuous frame oe
mind she retired to her own room for
her afternoon RESI-.
She had just begun to doze when the
Colonel's voice doomed across the hall
"Opheliaw he cried Where are my
pants? My gray pants?"
Ophelia rubbed her eyes and was in
stantly awake.
"I'm sure ! haven't been using them
Uncle Randolph. Have you looked in
your wardrobe on one of your clothes
hangers?" she replied patiently
there?" inquired the Colonel.
| "Why, Uncle Randolph, found them
hanging over the head of your bed
and"
Il know It. I put 'em there. That's s
where I keep em. And Ophelia, my
| dear, | beg to respectfully inquire
whether or not a man has a right. to
keep his own private, individual pants
where he darn pleases? And I'd also
| like to ask where's that little blue bot
tie and that ball of string that I had
behind the backing brush on my
dresser
The ColonePs tone was elaborately
polite.
"Why, I thought all that stuff was
trash, They're on the trash pile in
the barnyard," faltered Ophelia. 81
thought you'd like"
| Where's that brown bag that was In
my top drawer?" continued the Colonel
his politeness waning as he found miss
! ing first one and then another of his
cherished possessions. Ophe1ia was vs-
| IDLY embarrassed.
"Why, uncle. that bag smelt ter
| ribly-I-I burned II. whatever 1t was,
| and fumigated tho drawer with sui
| phur."
by George' that was a sample of a
new kind of guano l was going TO try
on plant! And here you've gone and
burned 1T, l knew that drawer didn'
smell natural" grewied the Colonel,
shifting suspicieusly,
But sulphur is clean, at least" de-
Tended Opheiia, who was beginning to
lose heart and to feel that the situation
was hopeless,
The Colonel stalked over to his open