davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-27
Something Subtle Such as---- But Read
What He Thinks They Should Substi-
tute for "Riot, Rampage, and Re
bellion" in Order to Wiring
Votes for Women from
Reluctant Man.

n ~RS. sMITHERS PEDAGOG
NE was in a state of feverish in
dignation, bordering on hys-
terics. over he report that a
prominent British suffragette had run
her so horse power automobile, going
at the rate of seventy-five miles an
hour. head first onto the Trafalgar
Monument and brought the illustrious
Nelson down into the dust like mute
inglorious tenpin on rural bowling
alley
Its something perfectly awful
she complained, as she inadvertently
put a spoonful of salt into her hus-
bands coffee, q the way these mis-
guided women are hurting our cause.
Why, I've been talking Mr.. Pedagog
deaf, dumb, and blind for the last
five years on the subject of women's
rights, and here this morning just as
he was about to give in and agree
that we ought to have 'em this Great
ure speeds into view and knocks
down the Nelson Monument with her
horrid old motor car. and John slides
back into the opposition again
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-27

fletcherize his ideas,' suggested the
Bibliomaniac.
Well, here's one for you to chew
on smiled the idiot. What | would
suggest to Gen. Drummond is that
she desert Bellona for the standard
of Mandragora. Let her and her
valiant warriorines start a campaign
on behalf of INSIDIOUSLY IN
DUCED INNOVATIONS. There are
a lot of them in plain sight that would
shake the rock of British Conserva-
tism to its very foundations.
For instance. instead of sending a
vandal into the British Museum to
marcelle the hair on Cleopatra
Mummy, or to knock a few more
noses off the statues of Phidias on
exhibition there, let them climb some
dark night into the printing office
where London PUNCH is printed, and
after the editor has passed on the
final proofs and cannot, therefore, de-
tect the outrage, insert a few REAL
jokes into the columns of that de-
lightfully sedative hebdomedal, if
Mrs. .Pedagog will excuse the Ian
guage, so that when the paper came
out that week they would be there
imperishably preserved in the amber
of philosophic ponderability for which
PUNCH is internationally famous.
Terrible Results.
Can't you imagine the seismic con-
vulsion that would shake the tight
little Isle for the next few weeks over
so startling departure from the con-
ventions, to say nothing of the pro-
prieties? VINDEX, SENEX, WOT-
MEX, and JUNIUS JUNIOR, and all
the rest of the old epistolary standbys
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-27

would rush special delivery letters by
every post to all the daily papers in
the land. demanding to know the why,
the wherefore, and the whitherness of
this disturbingly portentous innova
tion. The effect would be. not rage,
but a general uneasiness, which could
be intensified by the next act of the
Subtle suffragette, Just as the Public
is about to recover from this insidious
blow blow number two would fall.
A once MILITANT but now DE-
MULCENT sister, instead of subject
ing Mr. Hall Caine to the indignity oc
forcible shaving. would tamper with
his mail, extract a manuscript sonnet
of his on THE DELIGHTS OF
GLOOM from the envelope addressed
to the editor of THE PELL- SWELL
GAZETTE, and substitute something
like this, for instance, in its stead:
30 happy, happy day!
O how / .ove to stray
Beneath the lovely sunshine on the
merel
I'll give my Woes to whom
There's ioyousness in Gloom,
And bathe my soul in waves of
gladsome Cheer
So it's rah-rah-rahi
And it's hip-zip- zahl
For the sunshine and the funshine
on the lea.
Up with joy and happinessi
Down with sorrow and distress
In the merry, merry Land of Glee!
" If that wouldn't jar the Conserva-
tism of Great Britain like a Bolt from
the Blue, ! don't know what would.
Hall Gaines name signed to a thing
like that would send rumbling thrill
sularity comparable only to Bernard
Shaws Endorsement of the Ten Com
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-27
Appalling Havoc.

:" am with you BOTH said the
idiot, sadly. As an ardent suffragent
who has fit as nobly as he knew how
by the side of the ladies in this strug-
gle for freedom and the recognition
of their equality with idiots. immi-
grants, and other idealists in the
right to choose a borough President
or a county dog catcher ] am ap-
palled at the havoc to our cause these
strenuous Amazons of England are
creating; and as one of those feather
less bipeds known to ornithology as
men, like Mr.. Pedagog. / am almost
completely won over to the antis by
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-27
Reluctant Man.

Bnglishmen on a train running from
Nice to Paris.
we were passing through Mar
sellles when, noticing the rather
mussy condition of things in the rail
way yards. l remarked that I Won
dered who the man was who put the
JUNK into JUNCTION.; and. that
wholly innocent observation kept me
drilling for the balance of the jour
ney.
We attacked that poor little joke
from every possible point of view.
First the definition of the word JUNK
was discussed, exhaustively. Then we
got down to it's derivation, and its
abuses by slipshod takers, and one
of the Englishmen, who had been
Senior Wrangler at oxford, and who
has lost none of his wrangling ability
since his graduation, gave us fifty
mile disquisition on that point, in
which he demolished utterly what he
called my absurd implication that the
word JUNK. meaning discarded scraps
of one kind or another, cast-off OBJ
jects having no further utilitarian
value, had anything to do with the
JUNG in. JUNCTION. the latter word
having been derived from the Latin
JUNCTIO, or JUNGO, to join.
The other man sat there and, if
may coin a new verb, quitesoed every
time the other rammed a point home.
We kept at the thing all morning, ad-
journed temporarily for luncheon
about midday, and returned to the
subject in the afternoon, until finally,
in sheer weariness, | gave up. saying
that it was only a joke, anyhow.
Whereupon they both shook their
heads sadly, and the Wrangler re-
marked rather severely that the thing
he reprehended about American jokes
was not so much their lack of humor
as their heartless flippancy in malS-
ing merriment out of sad conditions.
a. Why you should think there is
anything funny, me deah fellow he
said, in the rathah sordid exhibition
of old bottles, and waste paper, and
othah useless odds and ends in the
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-27
America and England.

' Oh, it's all we'll enough for you to
call it riot, rampage, and rebellion"
shifted the Bibliomaniac contemptu-
ously, " but what else can those Eng
lish women do?
Over here in America where every
married man is completely under his
wifes thumb and where the per-
nicious power of the mother-in-law is
so universally accepted that it has
become the actual basis of a school
of humor, you don't have to explode
can of dynamite under a mans
chair to let him know that a woman
wants something she hasn't got. Man
is a highly domesticated animal in
the United States, but over in Eng
land it is different. The average
Briton lives inside little armor-
plated casing of tradition and conven-
tion, and if you ever want to get a
new idea into him from the outside
you've got to blast"
That's all true enough in a way"
said the Idiot. Tive met lot of
Britons on the other side, especially
when I've been travelling on the Con-
ffnent and remember once finding :,
single joke quite sufficient for whole
days conversation with a couple of
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-27

train yards at Marseilles, cahn't see
On the contrary he added. | think it
is something to grieve ovah''.
All of which merely proves the
truth of what l say said the Biblio-
maniac. Your joke about the JUNK
in JUNCTION, of course, no man of
brains would find amusing, involving,
as it does, something worse than a
play upon words. the lowest form of
wit, being merely a play upon sylla-
bles; but just the same any but a
highly insulated British mind would
at once have perceived its facetious
intent. So, after all, we come back to
my statement that to get a new
thought into a mind of that sort
blasting is necessary"
Not a bit of it! +" said the Idiot.
You are altogether wrong. The
simple fact is that no amount of
blasting can ever penetrate the inn
penetrable. 1t has been tried and
tried and tried again without success.
so why keep on?
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-27

mandments, which might, indeed> be
the next innovation to follow.
:" After that I'd employ some first
class actor out OF a job to impersonate
Mr.. Asauith and be seen riding on
a motor cycle ineHyde Park during
the fashionable hour with Mrs. Pank-
hurst or General Drummond, sitting
behind, spectacle which as an inno-
walton of large human interest caleu-
lated to send British Conservatism
into a fit would be unparalleled in
history.
And so the campaign could pro-
ceed. Some new innovation week after
week, until finally Conservatism tot
tered, and the New Idea became as
familiar to the Insulated Male Mind
as his cup of five o'clock tea"
Supplying Ideas Easy.
Yes-and how long could you keep
it up?" demanded the Bibliomanlae.
Ten Iunatic asylums with all their
inmates working fifteen hours a day
each couldn't supply the demand for
what you call ideas"
My dear Mr.. Bib" said the Idiot,
II you will induce the ladies to ac-
cept the method Ill guarantee to sup
ply the ideas. I'd like nice easy job
of that kind. and I'll agree to furnish
one brand new innovation a day for
seven days a week for the rest of my
natural life for $50 a month and my
keep"
Well" sighed Mrs. Pedagog,
something ought to be done. They'll
never get the Premiers ear the way
they're behaving now"
No" said the Idiot, they won't.
II they did. they might bite 1t off"
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-27
Mistakes of MiIitants.

If you take steam drill and bang
away at piece of rock that not only
breaks every drill you have, but
makes the rock harder with every
shock of impact, it is sheer foolish
ness to keep at it. SO with this armor
plate of tradition and convention in
which the British mind is safely i'm
INJURED in its insulated insularity. You
can't break through it. There are no
blow holes or flaws of any sort in
its texture, and no kind of spiritual or
material projectile has ever yet been
invented that can get at what lies in
side from the outside.
Wherefore / deplore the behavior
of these ladies not only because their
acts are violent but because they are
ineffective. What's the use of vast
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-27

the most unladylile, not to say un-
statesladylike. behavior of these ex-
cessively violent females who are
trying to win recognition by acts of
riot, rampage, and rebellion"
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-27

from an attack of ptomaine poison
ing
And you call yourself civilized
cried the Bibliomaniac, hotly. You
who advocate assassination, muir
der
Excuse me, Mr.. Bib" said the Idiot
" but you'd better slow down, or you'n
have blowout in your tires. Just
STOP, LOOK, and LISTEN while my
train of thought thunders by. don't
advocate assassination, murder. arson,
mayhem, or any of those other pleas
ant little diversions by means of which
the Greeks and Romans of old put
into operation the principles of The
Recall. I am using Lucrezia Borgia
as an illustration of the effective
ness of more subtle methods of ac-
ton.
The poisoning | would do would
be the insidious poisoning of the wells
of thought l would subtly introduce
the virus of Progressive Ideas into
the strongholds of Insularity, until,
rising upon the lofty pinnacles of
ethereal idealism, they should fall with
a thunderous crash that should rouse
the sleeping. gods of Conservatism
from sweet dreams of peace, or words
to that effect
In other terms, Sir, failing to get
at the British mind from the outside,
let us try to get at it from within.
What cannot be accomplished by the
external implications of a well-aimed
brick may sometimes be brought about
by the sub!ler intimations of an in
sidiously induced innovation.
Did any of you ever realize that
the British attitude toward the wo-
man question is not based upon the
British Mans mistrust of Women? He
can't help realizing that for many
years his Kingdom and later his EN-
pire have been ruled and ruled we'll by
them. Take Queen Elizabeth-bar-
ring her habit of running things on
the block system, and getting mems
heads where she failed to win their
hearts-she handled the reins mighty
wellp
She'd have Knighted you +" said
the Doctor.
Eminent EngIishmen.
Maybe so,' said the Idiot, with a
smile, Z" but it's safer to accept an
LII. d. these days, so | don't repine
Then there was the glorious Age of
Anne-I don't mean the question How
Old Was Anne but the era of that
gracious lady who reigned and thun-
dered over the destinies of Great Brit
ain in the days of the great MARI
borough; to say nothing of that illus
trious team, William and Mary the
Orange and the Peach so fruitful in
blessings to the British People. And
finally, within the memory of us all.
the great Victoria, who ruled well for
over sixty years to the satisfaction
of everybody. Why, even the SYM
bolic figure of Britains glory is
woman-Britannia~ massive mill
tant decked out in all the panoply of
Olympian hardware imaginable, whose
greatness no true Ehglishman has
ever yet failed to sing, drunk or sober
All of which shows that Johnny
Bull hasn't the slightest. objection to
woman's rule. What he does object
tots the INNOVATION of letting her
vote"
Here the idiot paused for breath.
Go on, said Mr.. Brief, the lawyer.
Keep right on, old man. the more
you talk the better chance the rest of
us have at the buckwheat cakes. I'll
fletcherize your share, SO don't worry
What he needs is somebody to
Atlanta Georgian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1912-1939, 1913-01-21
MORE NUTRITIOUS FOOD AT
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Faust Macaroni is made from
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Atlanta Georgian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1912-1939, 1913-01-21

Did YOU try to help them?" inquired
Kayton.
Help them!' exploded the old man.
Man alive. how can you come between a
fool and his folly? They'd hear no word
from me. Their mnds--what they had of
'em-were all set on one thought"
Well Mr.. Finley" said Kayton sooth-
ingly, that's the very reason we're here.
Now tell us the facts as you know them
You found the body?"
I did not" returned Finley, instantly,
with some traces of his indignation, but
with a manifest change of attitude toward
the new investigator Il was quiet in me
bed when the man-Andy-boor in on
me. He's dead he says, stark dead on
the tlure in there" Who's dead?' l says
Mr.. Argyle says he
who's Andy" interrupted Kayton
Dan Scully's boy" replied Finley
Him that
How longs he been here"
Time out o mind Nearly as long as
meself"
What does he do?"
He makes himself useful when l tell
nm, He's simple soul" added the old
man. in the manner of one speaking OF the
feeble minded
Send for him" said Kayton, CURLY
old Finley promptly rang a bell
'Who else was in the house," went on
the detective. Finley wrinkled his fore
head and licked off the inmates on his
fingers
Myself, Miss Mary. the girl, Kitty
Topp the footman and the cook" he re-
piled. Mrs Wyatt was away Mr.
Bruce, Mr.. Argyles son, was here for din
ner that night and went away early"
Did YOU see him go2" asked Kayton
swiftly, with a keen glance at the old
mans face
II did not BY II o'clock | made fast
for the night, with Mr.. Argyle sittin' here
and Miss Mary in her chamber And how
Atlanta Georgian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1912-1939, 1913-01-21
BY j. w. M'CoNAUGHY.
TODAY'S INSTALLAIENT.
Copyright, 1912 by Journal American.
Examiner

"H'ml I wonder how that happened"
he murmured
"lf you knew that and had your supper
you could go to bed" growled the old
servant Manning grinned
You're Irish, eh?"
Kayton came back from the window
ana appraised the stubborn old man
quickly and silently
You're great detective joe" he said
grimly. Then he addressed Finley with
studied courtesy
Can you put that chair the way it
was?"
Il can not" responded the old man
promptly.
THE body was lying on its side, was
it, pursued Kayton. calmly.
That's as maybe" grunted Finley.
Manning was unable to restrain himself
at this cavalier treatment of his revered
chief.
say You better open up" he snarled
you may be hanged on this case your
self yet"
The butler snorted contemptuously.
I'm will you me wits then" he retorted.
moving toward the door. You'll be
needin' EN-
What's his nance" demanded Kayton.
in whisper
Finley" replied Manning in the same
guarded tone. Kayton raised his voice.
Joe, get MIR. Finley in here" he com
mauded, He's the man that can help
US"
"Why he's Finley replied Manning
The old servant stopped and turned Kay
ton approached him eagerly,
Are you Mr. Finley" he demanded
That parsonage sweued his chest
81 am he declared importantly
"Welr why din't YOU tell us that at
frstH' kayton's tone was marvel of cor
diality and reproach. ~ understand your
confidential relations with the household
and with Mr.. Argyle and young MIR Ar
gyle tells me that you're In position to
he of the greatest assistance TO us"
Winning the Butler.
The old buffers face told of q struggle
between completely gratihed vanity and
general indignation over the whole sitTa-
ton His next remark was mixture of
the two
"Weu, sir, I can tell you this" he de
clarca Il lay mo- great store hy detec-
tives
You're quite right" agreed Kayton in
hearty sympathy
"a GLASS If men with So little intelu-
geuor thal they would put suspicion on
Miss Mary went on Finley. Indignantly.
az the same time suhtly making fl clear
that be excluded kaytou from the general
condemnation. They're beyond the as
slstance et any honest mani"
Atlanta Georgian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1912-1939, 1913-01-21

way you found it that morning"
But it was the old butler who did it.
Andy followed him about in apparent will
lingness to help, but the atmosphere of
the room seemed to have a benumbing
effect on his muscles
Finley solemnly, with many pauses for
reflection. moved the chairs out of the mil
itary order and pushed them about the
floor, overturning one near the table An
dy zealously avoided that particular spot
They were all wheeled about every
which way" the butler explained, as he
finished his task. ''Nothin was as it
should be. He made hard fight to de-
fend himself-God help us!-before they
put him 20 death"
: 'Kayton nodded abstractedly. He was
studying the new arrangement of the
chairs
Where was the body-there?" he in
Dictated spot between the table and the
overturned chair.
1T was" declared Finley. "An' the
pistol yonder." He indicated spot at a
considerable distance from the chair
Lying on his back?" went on Kayton
reflectively.
Continued In Next Issue.
Atlanta Georgian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1912-1939, 1913-01-21

Compound and | purchased a bottle.
Before it was gone the bloating left me
and was not so sore. l continued tax
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Now | am stronger than have been for
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washing Your medicine is worth its
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ter for the good Of others. Mrs. D.
H. BROWN, 800 n. Walnut St, lola. Kan.
Change of Life is one of the most
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Women everywhere should remember
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If you want special advice write to
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Atlanta Georgian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1912-1939, 1913-01-21

they got in that did this that's the thing
for you to learn, sir! But-when they
done 1t they went out that door, for 1
found the small chain off and the bolt
drawn in the morning. And let me tell
you this, SIR went on Finley, his indig
nation rising again. There's nothin' but
wickedness in this doubt O. Miss Mary
There's things in nature and things that
are not-Andy, come in here!'
tall shambling young man, with a
highly nervous manner, clad in the blue
denim of the workman. who had appeared
at the hall door while Finley was talk
ing, shuffled reluctantly forward in
obedience to the command, smoothing
down his stringy black hair with both
hands as he advanced Kayton glanced
at him, but continued to address the but
Ter
did Andy come first to your"
He did" nodded Finley. And 1t was
me that reused Miss Mary. When we
found he was dead she got Mr. Bruce and
the doctors here straight away, and they
got the police, and from that 1t began
trouble without end, Reporters besiegin
US and no man above suspicion-and SLAM
ders in the papers on all of us-with pho
tygraphs of this and that, and pictures
out of their own fancy! And the public
in Its lnnoCenCy perverted"
did you hear anything in the night"
kayton broke in abruptly, addressing the
newcomer. Andy" gazed apprehensively
about the room and shook his head
Trust him to hear anything put in
Finley.
What time did you go to bed?" went
on Kayton
Andy fdgeted and looked appealingly
at his master
He don't know, sir" Finley explained
He don't live by the clock, He goes to
bed by habit and gets up by habit"
kayton shrugged his shoulders slightly
and turned to the old butler again. Sup
pose you two arrange this furniture the
Atlanta Georgian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1912-1939, 1913-01-21
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