The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-13
ri AVE a glass iv beer with me, said -dr.
Hennessy.
whats that" demanded Mr.


= said" Mr.. Hennessy replied testify, will
ye have glass iv beer with mean on me-or
won't ye?"
will not" said Mr. Dooey. How dare ye
make such a suggestion to me? If | thought ye
had six cints in yeer clothes I'd sue ye f'r libel
| wud So I'll have We to know that these secrit
rumors that ar-re circuatn' around about me
dhrinkin' habits has got to stop. do not dhrink
beer butthermilk pop, ice crane sody, sarspriy,
or tay in amy form. Whn much fatgued be
talkin' to ye. | sometimes take glass iv brandy
with tayspoonfu iv milk in it. But not often,
as do not like til taste iv milk Whin Ihave
chill or thirst | dhrink moderately iv bucket or
two iv whisky, brandy, rum, gin, karosene, or
gasolene. I niver take champagne excipt whin
TIL doctor ordhers it, an if tn dock ordhers it
he's got to pay FIR it, too. I niver dhrink cham
pagne. An there ye have in few brief wurruds
me innocent dhrinln habits"
What ar-re ye tallin about?" said Mr. Hen
messy. Ye niver dhrink har'ly anything atall"
81 know it" said Mr. Dooey, but l don't
want it to get out. I'm tlhnkin' iv goin' back into
pollyticks again, an want tn earnest drinkers
iv tn country to feel that I'm wan iv thin.
They're large an inhooinchal body v men an
much NEGLECTED. So if ye hear amy rurnors in tn
fash nable clubs that ye frequint that l am not
honrary prisidint v tn Ancient Ordher iv Aco-
hocs that don't have tn pain killer pped into
me while / sleep, or that me ony physical exer-
else is not deeeryum threnens, | want ye to
denounce thin as base, false, an malicious If
they ask ye, Did We liver smell his breath? tell
thin ye have that'ye cuddent help it, livin in tn
same sthreet. If they ask we, Did ye detict tn
prisince iv liquor? tell thin that tn gusts firm
me pipes is practically ninety per cint pure
bensine, with tayspoonful or two iv breath
added Tell thin iv tn time We found me on tn
sthreet corner thryin' to dance turkey throt
with lamp post. Tell thin iv the posmen I've
bate. Let thin know that whin go out iv town
an me frinds want to sind me home, which they
always do at once, they have to crate me up an
ship me be freight. Tell thin iv TIL time ye see
me hurl me boot at TIL polky dot elephant that
thried to get into bed with ME. Here an now,
Hinnissy | appoint ye me campaign manager.
If ye do yeer ooty I'll capture TIL ntire alcoholic
vote, an, judgin' be what see an hear on ction
nights, that ought to land me aisy in amy office
in our beloved fatherand.
our pollyticks since l was captain iv me precinct.
We ar-re fallen, as Hogan says on Eliminate
days Th' hardy an gloryous peeryod in tn his
thry iy tn republic has passed, an tn times whin
Hinnery Clay an Dan'l Webster wud sit FIR hours
pushin' til scuttle to an fro acrost TIL table has
gone to return more. Booze an ioquence has
both passed out v our public life. No longer is
til gr-reat statesman carried to tn platform be
loving hands an lashed to tn railin' where him
an King Alcohol sings duet tn splipdors iv
'th' blue sky an TIL onfadin' glories iv TIL flag,
but afther attn pepsin tablet an sippin' glass
v light gray limonade he reads to TIL assmbled
multchood tn financial report iv TIL Standard
lie compny fr tn physical year endin' June first.
Mind ye all this was befure my time. In
my day | niver knew gr-reat statesman that
dhrank or if he did he niver landed amy job
betther thin clerk in tn weather office But as
Hogan says Shakespeare says, they pretinded
vice if they had it not. A POLITICIAN was baten
man if til story wnt around that he was sildom
seen dhrunk in public. His aim was to create an
mprissyon that he was gay fellow a jovyal
toss pot that thought nawthin' iv putin gallon
iv paint into him durin an avenin's Entertainment
They had to exercise diplomacy, dye mind to
keep their regulations goin'. Whn Higgins was
runnin' FIR sheriff he always ordhered gin an
svways give him water. Ye understand, don't
ye? Ye know what gin looks lke2 Well, wather
looks like gin. Wan day Gallagher took up his
glass be mistake an Higgins lost tn precinct be
forty votes. Sinitor O'Brien held bolder coorse.
He used to dump tn stuff on tn fure whin no
wan was lookn an go home with light foot
while swept out his constituents. Yes sir, I've
seen him pour into tn sawdust quarts an gallons
iv me precious old Remorse Rye, aged be me
own hands on tn premises
Th' most unpopular prisdint we liver had was
Rutherford B. Hayes-an' why? Was it because
he stole til prisidincy away firm Sam1 ]. Tilden?
1t was not Amy wan wud stale a prisidincy
firm Dimmycrat in thin days an think tn lar
ceny was patriotism No, sir, twas because
whin people wint up to TIL white house they got
nawthin' to dhrink but sparklin' wather5