Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-09-14

The man who collects the trash is the
| biggest man in the world. Take il from
me, I-who have fourteen barrels of un-
collected trash-can tell you that the
autocrat of the most ar-beridden gov
eminent in the world is nothing COM
pared with the rigorous despot who rules
the destinies of the waste basket.
Now, to begin with three years ago l
threw away a copy of the Lonuon Punch.
Don't make any jokes about that. be-
cause the London Punch is awfully fun
n.y. 1t has to be funny to make an Eng
lishman laugh. and l didn't throw it
away because 1t was dull and uninter-
esting. Far from it. l tossed it aside
because 1 had two copies of the same
date. In going over my collection of I'M
collected trash 1 found that copy OF
Punch-date of September %. 1910 (Lon-
don and Manchester papers pease copy.
Now the trash man comes in high
sided wagon filled with the cast-off lares
and penates of variesated households
and carts off newspapers by the bale,
broken down toys. swept up dirt and
pans. crochery. glassware and the dis
heartened debris of a million homes.
The housewife sweeps and sweeps and
sweeps with broom and vacuum cleaner
and losses the whole business into a
receptacle and then comes the man who
collects the trash and take it away
But he never takes it away from me.
There is something the matter with
my trash. 1t doesn't come up to Speci-
fications. | remember once calling a trash
man to one side and pointing out to him
that there were several barrels of per-
fectly fine stuff that he could make a
nit with at the city dump. as it was all
fine aristocratic stuff. But he said that
no Gau in, fbn In
and the regulations specified that on that
date he could collect only broken down
left-handed water pitchers that had been
tossed out of the window by red-haired
serving maids. Thinking it over, l saw
at once that this regulation has just as
much force and logic as any of the
others. So i waited.
From back window l watched, like
the sister in the fairy tales who waited
for the True knight to come and rescue
could hear the raucous plant of his D.
cent tin horn, and i would gnaw my
finger nails in expectation, as ! could see
his chariot approach. Once he almost
stopped at my fast-increasng pile of
rubbish, but it was just fiutter. he
really never slackened pace, but went
on to my neighbor who had but a hand
full of plebeian trash. | enticed him
with rare old furniture, / baited the trap
with a whole Christmas tree. l laid a
l
and paved the way for complete recon
Citation with the trash department by
placing a huge sign upon the back gate.
They took the sign and tore it up. Then
l tossed some of the trash out upon the
back alley. and when the autocrat OF
the rubbish cart came by he collected il
| and threw it back over the fence into my
| back yard again. That is a fact. III
! swear to it. l saw it as it scaled back
! again like the finest aeroplane that ever
volplaned downward from its dizzy
/ heights.
One time I stopped the freshman and
said:
| '.Oh. sir. Don't you see the trash?"
He made a. reply in Volapuk. | coule
| not understand.
| "Oh. sir!'' I entreated. Don't go ava!
! and leave it uncollected again.
| He made a loud retort and waved hi:
arms in explanation. Yet | had studded
| Greek French. Latin and had a Sigh
knowledge OF cuneiform inscriptions, hae
| translated Chaucer and had read Early
Welsh, but his words We're gathered from
| none of these sources, and being dis
| tinctly NOT English I could but guess
| that he was telling something about the
| regulations again. Frankly, l wa:
ashamed to tell him l could not under
stand him, so he went On again. and the
| trash barrels then amounted to large
| family.
| In order to get even with the depart
ment I played mean trick. | moved
| away. Then 1 wrote this letter to Com
| missioner Newman:
Dear Ollie l said. Gor / knew him
when he was just plain lovable Ollie, u
| have always voted the democratic ticket
except once, when [ voted for Roosevelt