The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1913-04-23
Beating the Name
BY M. QUAD
Copyright. 1918. BY Associated Lit
erary Press.

ing his montb-old baby boy Hezekiall
Pontius Stubs his wife walled out:
"Why, you've tied milestone around
his neck at the start!"
So he had The baby had to fight
whooping cough, measles, collie: rnsh
and other things, while all others in
the village escaped sect free.
Before II. p. s. was twelve years
old he, had fallen from tree, uar.
rowly escaped drowning, got hooked
by COW, spent two hours in a w'l'
and had been blown up with gunpow
der.
Ono day, at the age of thirty-six,
he was the attorney for the defense in
case of hog stealing. He felt that
he could win hands down, but he was
smashed all to bits and his client sent
to Jail. An hour later the Respondent
lawyer was seated in his little dog
hole Of an Office when a stranger en-
tered. He had been spectator in
the courtroom.
"You ought to 80 to Jail in place of
your CLIENT said the stranger as he
took tile only other chair in the room.
burned if hadn't!' was the admis-
sion.
"What's the matter with yOu!'
"N1y name"
81 believe it's StubbS?'
cts worse than that. It's Hezekiah
Pontius Stubs"
Good lands. Then you've always
been failure?"
From babyhood up. I've tried being
a schoolmaster, writing master, dry
goods clerk, a bOokkeeper, subscrip-
ton book agent, tin peddler and a
lawyer-a failure in each case.'
1.-THE name may or may not te
against you, but you haven't hit the
right road yet. Perhaps l can help
you. l am a piano manufacturer in
Boston. l made up 500 cheap pianos
last year, to find they wouldn't sell.
They are good at the price, but they
are square pianos, and the people want
uprights. I'm going to give you a
problem to solve"
"Shoot 'er off,"
Its what is the best way to get rid
of those instruments. Solve that for
me and I'll solve your future. I'll call
tomorrow afternoon. Good day"
II. P. s. had seen no more than half
a dozen pianos in his life. He had
never done business. He had simply
bought a dollars worth at time and
seldom had anything to sell.
Five hundred pianos at 5000 each!
Whew!
The failure sat up all night and
thought and figured and figured. He
was ready next day when the Boston
man called with his:
"Well, how did you make out?'
Il will show you," was answered as
three or four pages of legal cap were
produced.
"Firstly, not one farmer in fifty has
a piano in his house.
SECONDLY, not one farmer in 100 has
seen an upright piano.
Thirdly, the farmer looks for some
thing cheap.
"Fourthly, he wants time to pay for
It. even If he has the cash in the
house.
"Fifthly, 95 per cent of them are
honest.
"Sixthly, they must be approached in
q certain way.
"Seventhly, not one farmer in fifty
will drive to town to visit music
store.
"Eighthly. a piano must be stood in
his parlor and allowed to appeal to eye
and ear.
"Ninthly, one farmer will buy
thing because another has.
"Tenthly, I am to start out at your
expense and secure the name OF every
farmer in this county who has one or
more daughters.
"Eleventhly, when have secured the
names you are to ship me 100 pianos
and furnish me rig to drive them
from door to door.
'Twelfthly, the terms are to be $2OO
each-$25 down and two years to pay
the balance"
II guess that's about ALL" said the
lawyer as he leaned back.
"Hezekiah Pontius Stubs. draw up
an agreement said the piano man as
he reached out his hand for shake.
Two weeks later H. P. s. was look
ing up names of farmers with daugh-
tiers and young farmers that had mar
ried within year or two.
Another fortnight and he was driv-
ing over the same road with three pi-
amos on his fancy wagon and saying
to farmers:
"Oh, by the way, want to store
one Of these pianos in your parlor for
a month. I'm not asking you to buy
nor rent but just to let it sit there"
But I don't buy, remember" the
farmer would caution.
"Oh, no, no. In fact, I couldn't sell
it to you. It's for man on the Red
Bridge road. It's just a case Of doing
me favor"
And do you thin that piano ever
went out Of the house? And don't you
know that Farmer Jones bought one
because Farmer Green did? And wasn't
the Brown girl just as good as the
White girl?
The 500 pianos were sold in two