The Washington herald., 1913-12-21
BROTHER GARDNER
Greatness Means Lobster SALAD, but It Has Offsets

'Tt has come to my knowledge" said
Brother Gardner as he rose up in the
meeting of the Lime-Kiln Club-'it has
come to my knowledge dat sartin MEM
bers OF dis club am a-chin and a-sighin'
to be great Dey want to riz above de
common herd. Dey want to be as big
as de president Of a con cure trust
pey want 5000 autos and silyer-plated
coal scuttles. Dey want people to look
after dem in de street, and dey want
DER servants to shiber wild fear when
dey open de doah OF deir homes.
Oar may be some among you dis
evenin' who don't know what greatness
am, and will darfo' explain dat 1t am
money-cash-dough. When you've got
wealth you kin go into a place and order
ice cream and frosted cake and not fear
de boot when 1t comes to settlin' de bill.
Qaurmurs Of "YumI YumPD Eberybody
in dis world, wild few exceptions, am
strivin' fur wealth. Dey am thinkin' Of
dollars when dey riz up in de mawnin',
and dey am thinkin' OF dough when dey
lay down at night. Ebery day dat passes
men and women am sellin' deir souls fur
money, and dey can't get nun Of it
(Sighs and groans)
"T see befo' me in imaginashun a great
man He smokes 1O-cent cigars; he rents
q box at de postofice; he kin go down
to Coney Island and shoot de shoots any
time he wants to. II de grocer comes
around and says de bill is $40, it am
paid on de spot and he am told dat II he
sends up any mo- wilted peas he will lose
de great mans custom De great man
don't have to worry about coal and taxes.
He don't have to watch fur bargain
sales to git a suit Of clothes He kin buy
ten pairs Of shoe-strings at once, and he
needn't worry about de street car con-
ductor beatin' him out OF a nickel He
owns hosses and he keeps servants, and
he am de big man when Fourth OF July
comes around Applause, during which
Samuel Shin broke a pane Of glass with
his elbow and was led out OF the hall
between Antimony Tyler and kurnal
Cabin.)
Take George Washington. for instance.
Ebery picture you see Of him looks
as complacent and smilin' as II he had
won a prize in a lottery. You read of
him in history swellin' around and doin'
mighty little for his wages, and 1t has
got so dat more'n a millyon boys In his
kentry am sighin' to be Washingtons.
Turn de picture ober and gaze on de
other side. Do you imagine dat de frost
didn't kill his cowcumber vines: Dat
de hawgs didn't bust DER way into mis-
garden? Dat de ager didn't shake his
bones and make his teeth chatter? Dat
de crows didn't scratch up his con. and
de Guild populashun walk on wild water
mIllyons? He found buttons on his
shirts; he found Jumps in his bed: he
found de hired gal usin' his toothbrush;
he found dat somebody had stolen de
hoe and broken de ak; he got kicked by
de COW when he milked. and got bit by
de old hoss when he cleaned him on
Don't let nobody fool you ABOUT george
Washington. OF co'se he was big man
and saved de kentry, but he had 10 pay
for 1t Jest de same.
Most of you have a volume or two
Of Shakespeare, bought on de INSTALL
ment plan, IN de house. When you get
sot down in de rockin' cheer, pipe in
mouth. and de winds howlin' around
outside, dat poetry reads so sleek and
slick dat you can't imagine any trubles
comm to de man who made II. It's jest
ike holdin' a jug Of lasses up to your
and lettin' de sweet stun slide down your
throat. You can't possibly think or
Shakespeare and back rent in de same
mint.
And yet. my frens, how did de great
man lib? De constable was arter him
from Monday mawnin' to Saturday night.
He was in debt where-eber dey would
trust him. He nebber met a man unless
he struck him for a quarter. II dere
was a cold snap he was out OF wood. II
dere was a hot wave he had no white
pants to wear, bekase de washwoman
wouldn't come to de house until she was
paid what was comm to her. He nebber
had a dawg dat would stay wild him for
week. He nebber driv out into de kentry
to commune wild nature dat bumole-
bee didn't sting him or bull toss MN
ober de pastur' fence. If he got $40
ahead Of de game and was gwine to have
chicken potpie for Sunday dinner.
whole wagonload of his relashuns would
drive up and eat him out Of house and
home, and go away mad because ne
hadn't a lot Of Rocky Ford catalogues
to finish on Wild
"Doorin' de last year of his life he
owned and ran seben theaters, but dere