Bridgeton pioneer., 1913-12-25
fault that they wanted ofice worse
than prayer meeting?
HumiIiated the Deacon.

than Prayer meenng!
Humiliated the Deacon
"Charge No. 5.-That the next morn
Ing after Deacon Hastings had had q
wrestle with a skunk be came into the
postoffice to buy stamp. Instead of
kindly and courteously selling him one
the aforesaid Old Pap drew gun on
him and ordered him out, greatly to
his personal humiliation and the gen.
eral injury to the postoffice depart.
ment"
Answer.-I plead guilty. The affair
happened as above. The deacon wasn't
In the postofice over twenty seconds,
and yet it took 50 worth of disinfect-
ants to get rid of the smell. AS 1 un.
derstand it, we are to strive for clean,
pure administration and one without
smells.
"Charge No. 6-That the said Old
Pap beat Moses Stevens out Of $40 at
poker and never put cent of it in the
contribution box"
Answer-In his halcyon days Moses
Stevens played poker with a lightning
rod man and got scooped out Of SO
cents. He took resolve there and
then never to fool with the game again,
and he has stuck to it. If l should ask
him to play game and offer to start
him off with four aces 1t would be no
tempta ton to him.
"Charge No. THAT the said Old Pap
has been heard to say that one year Of
Democratic administration would ruin
the United States"
Answer-Guilty as charged, but that
was when 1 was a postmaster under
Mr.. Taft. Since Topped over and be-
came a postmaster under you. Mr..
President, I have undergone a change
of heart I now think and say that II
will be the best thing for the country
If the Democrats hold the power for
the next twenty years.
Winked at Woman.
"Charge No. 8.-That on a certain
day and date last month the said Old
Pap did wink at Silas Taylor's wife
as she was buying a stamp and has
persistently refused to apologize for
the act up to date, thus to the great
hurt of her feelings and the injury Of
the entire United States. II postmast-
ers are permitted to wink at women
who come in to transact official busi-
ness the effect on the postal depart
ment can be easily figured. 1t is GER
tain to cost it at least SIS wink per
year."
Answer-Mrs. Sllas Taylor, as every
body knows. is so nearsighted that she
can't tell a bologna sausage from a
dollar bill six inches from her nose.
On various occasions she has hugged
a mule, thinking it was Silas. Wink at
her? My old hat! Wink at woman
with Mrs. Pinkham sitting right there
with her eyes on me Wait till you
know her, and you will realize how alb
surd such charge is and what an
idiot l would be to run such a risk.
There are other charges, Mr.. Presi-
dent, but all Of them can be easily
disproved. They are the work Of
Moses Schermerhorn, who thinks he
ought to be postmaster in my place.
He began his reign Of terror early in
March. It was II o'clock one night
when l left the postoffice for home.
An assassin struck me down with
club, and l lay unconscious for two
hours. The tracks left by him in the
light snow just fitted Moses shoes.
Two weeks later, one night at mid
night, while was out looking for the
family cat, some bastard fired a bullet
through my hat charged Moses
with 1t, and he made no denial.
Public Meeting Called.
A week ago he called public meet
ing at Eagle hall and advertised that
he would address the people and point
out the mistakes you had already
made. He would also advise the COM
munity as to the speediest way to get
rid of me- Of course he meant a rope
and a limb.
Had let such meeting as that go
on, Mr.. President, every hogpen and
hencoOp in Jericho would have been in
flames before midnight and by day
light there would have been plot to
tear US from our jobs at whatever cost
Of blood and treasure.
drew a long breath.
spat ON my hands.
drew my belt notch tighter.
I babe Mrs. Pinkham an affectionate
farewell.
Then I went down to Eagle hall and
with a sled stake l cleared the place
Of the last man In just four minutes.
am in bed, Mr.. President, and may
be for three or four days longer, but
don't worry. Jericho is quiet, and
there will be no recall. Go right ahead
making history and leave the trifles to
me. OLD PAP PINKHAM,
CThe Man on the Job).