Newark evening star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1909-1916, 1913-09-10
On The Spur of
the Moment
AcooRDING TO rNoLE ARNER
BY ROY MoULToN.
Written Exclusively for Evening stsz.


her folks and her husband begins -
brag about his'n, alimonY aint a
great ways of.
Hank Tumms Of our town says as
would lust as soon be president Il
the United states if 1t wasn't for
wearint a plug hat all the time. bul
he oughtn't to let a little thing Ike
that interferg.
Happiness is only a state of TIE
mind If Hi Higgins could git
plug Of tobacker, a corncob pipe AM
fish pole all al one time Is
wouldn't trade places with John ..
OHyfeller.
# wishes We're schoonere. beggars
could ride in patrol wagons.
What has become Of the old lady
that used to wear square speetaelea
and knit wristlets for the kids?
There are a good many foreign
noblemen who can't prove IL.
There seems to be a good bit u
Belasco sauce in some Of them ho4
shows down to York these days
Talk about higher education. An
Tilson is tskin' lessons in steepis
painting
Anse Frisbv says the bankin' busi-
ness is so poor. that he can't afford
TO have the hay fever this year.
90
THE DIARY OF A BoNEHEAD
It has always been a wonder 70
me that some kind angel does not
come along and hit a man in the
head with an ak before he does some
certain things. thus saving him q
lot Of suffering afterward.
| declined the honor with great fn-
atty when the committee came and
asked me to be POSTMASTER at the
church banquet. but committees have
way about them that can hardly
be denied. The members told me,
collectively and individually, that j
vas the only man in the entire city
who could do the job all UP in pink
baby ribbon and deliver the goods.
They said more nice things about me.
right TO my face than Congressman
can say about himself in the Con-
gressional Directory They spoke or
my appearance, my prominence IN the
city. and my fine shape and my
pleasant yet forceful voice Ten
minutes before l had not had any
more idea of becoming a postmaster
than l had OF driving a team of goats
through the main business thorough
fare of Bagdad on moonlight night
with my hair In braid and a pink
parasol over my head, but l fell.
Adam did, and Adam was one of my
ancestors
During the ten days which were
supposed to elapse between that time
and the banquet had no desire for
.F
and melancholy / couldn't sleep more
than two hours of a night and I LOST
weight SO fast that my physician
shook his head and advised q sani- Z
tarium where the rates are IS a day
and upward. I had a plain case %
buck fever and longed to disappear
and go TO some foreign country ana
resume business under an assumed
name. ] was in a blue funk and I
wrote that speech over nine times.
When ] read it to my wife The last
I time she said it sounded worse than
| when / had read ii to her the first
| time, She said il was about as hss-
morous as Marc Antony's funeral nra-
! ton over the body of Caesar. She H.
vised me TO copy one out of a be IA.
and l did, sitting UP all night three
nights for that purpose. ! got 40 I
could rattle it off with about as much
feeling as a waitress orders roast
beef and brown gravy or roast pork
and apple sauce in a country hotel
] found myself repeating snasches
of that speech at all hours of the day.
I tried it on every one in our o'fics
| building and the only one ! got a
I 10
and she said she laughed because 1
looked so funny, when was deliver
| ing the piece.
The morning of the banquet dam ned
and found me with Enclosed eyes. L.
was this morning, to be exact. II had
grated between chills and burning
/ fevers all night and my nervous sx-s-
! tenn was as much of wreck as q
railroad that has been juggled OF lie
stock market for nineteen years.
I crawled TO my office this morn
/ ing in a state of utter collapse. I
| had not been so i'll in twenty wears
When the committee burst in upon
me at ten o'clock l was ready TO call
the ambulance and deliver myself
over to the authorities at the insane
hospital.
I'VE are very sorry. said the COM
nittee, "but the banquet mas been
postponed indefinitely. The advance
sale OF tickets was so small that we
have abandoned the scheme entirely.
Some other time. perhaps, but not
now"
/ I Rugged those three men. | jab-
bered like an insane chiinpanzee and
joy. The committee looked at me-
askance and departed suddenly. To-
night leave for the sanitariun.
Anybody who comes to talk banquet
with me in the future would better
/ bring a shotgun or he viii play the
star part in heinous crime, OF
+ which / will be the perpetrator.