Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-01-11
| At the End Of the Rainbow.
Polite SOciety's Drawbacks.
BY Walt Mason.
BY Walt Mason.

Il was invited to dinner at the palatial
residence Of an opulent friend the other
day." remarked the blond boarder, land
1 never want to go through such an
ordeal again. We must have sat at the
table two or three hours and l was in a
cold perspiration all the time. for l didn't
know which forks or spoons to use. and
had to keep cases on my neighbors and
follow their lead. Then the people at the
table We're doing a lot of talking. and
every once in a while somebody would.
ask me a question that l couldn't answer,
and long before the agony was over l
wished 1 was dead and in my grave"
1.-The beauty of boarding house life"
said the star boarder, 'is the fact that
go-as-you-please methods prevail. When
a man draws his chair up to the grooming
board he may govern himself according
to the dictates Of his own conscience,
none daring to make him afraid-always
provided his board is paid in advance If
he has omitted the hollow ceremony of
squaring up with his landlady he is like
ly to be the picture of humility when he
eats, If he is permitted to sit at the
festive board at all.
THE boarder in good standing is not
required TO observe the tedious and ar
tificial etiquette which obtains in polite
society. He does not dress for dinner or
escort lady into the glittering dining
room. / have seen bOarders sit up to the
table in their shirt sleeves and do yeoman
service without being rebuked, and this
is as it should be. For 1t is self-eyident
my dear Mrs. Jiggers. that man can't do
justice to his appetite if he is dressed
up like bridegroom, with a high collar
which saws his ears, and a shirt bosom
which feels like a show window of a tin
shop. People OF high station make an
ordeal of meal. while the American
boarder, whose fathers laid down their
lives for freedom at Bunker Hill and
Reno, finds eating an entertainment.
THE bOarder sits in the parlor or on
the porch waiting for the inspiring music
of the dinner bell. He is sustained and
soothed by the perfume of onion hash as
1t is waited to him from the kitchen, and
while he may converse internationally
with his colleagues upon the weather and
kindred topics, his mind is entirely en-
gagged with the coming meal. All his
senses are alert, every muscle in his body
is tense, ready for a panther spring when
the bell rings. There is no pretense about
him. no simulated Indifference. The most
important thing In the world to him at
such a time is the grub, and he doesn't
try to convince any of his associates that
he is thinking of Browning or Ibsen or
the modern school of painters
when the bell rings he bounds from
his chair like a circus acrobat, and the
mad rush for the dining room begins. 1t
is noble and uplifting spectacle, Mrs
Jiggers. 1t always reminds me of a panic
in theater, and although l have partici-
pated in such PUSHES daily for many
years / still enjoy the excitement. l have
seen boarders who were stiff and string
halted at ordinary times leap over arm
chairs and other cumbersome pieces of
furniture which happened to be in their
way.
Il remember when I boarded at Mrs
Cushions the door leading to the din
ing room happened to be locked when the
noon rush was inaugurated. With admi-
rable presence of mind the bOarders seiZ-
ed one of their number. lawyer with a
head like the neither milestone, and used
him as a battering ram. The door was
reduced to kindling wood at once.
1T seems to me that such feverish
anxiety to connect with the victuals
should be highly gratifying to land
lady, as showing how her boarders ap-
preciate the menu, but I recall that Mrs.
Cushion was greatly incensed and had
the enrontery to ask the bOarderS to
make good the damage. But the lawyer
who was an excellent sport assured her
that she had no case, as the Supreme
Court had recently ruled that no land
lady had the right to lock the dining
room door.
We'll. as I was saying. the rush to
the table having been successfully con-
Quoted. the boarder sails into the grub
with admirable enthusiasm. So long as
he doesn't break the dishes. or make too
much noise when consuming soup. no.
body questions his conduct He may
eat his pie with a knife or take his cof-
fee with squirt gun or season his milk
with pepper sauce. II his board is paid
in advance everything goes. He has
finished eating in ten minutes, and then
he goes. back to the porch or the parlor
and lights up his trusty pipe, and is as
happy as a king.
mo man who has lived in a family
boarding house will ever have patience
with the customs of the elite, who make
of eating . function as solemn as Q fu-
neral"