davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1913-02-15
HOW TO WRITE JOKES

have received a letter from
a bright and earnest scholar who
wants to be a joke writer. AS he
cannot get a job at anything else
he thinks he'd like to be dallier
with the humorous-a sort of
boy comic.
Nothing is easier in the world.
In the first place, always wear a
dense frown and say little. All
of us professional humorists do
this. Never buy drink and new
er refuse to let somebody else
buy one. This is the most sacred
creed of the Newspaper Comical
Society. Smoke a pipe when you
have your pictures taken, but
when off duty smoke anything
you can get. In writing jokes,
always call a male Dill Pickle
or Simp or Gink or something
like that. A joke about father,
mother, son, daughter, father-in-
law and mother-in-law is popular.
Jokes about wife are not jokes.
Always write a few poems
every morning and read them to
your friends. Your friends will
appreciate this very much.
Always knock the other mans
stuff; it's very professional and
it is true reciprocity-he is doing
the same to you.
Get a good job working nights
in a drug store or cigar stand
where they will pay you wages
because, you understand, joke
writer's never get regular money.
There are too many jokes in
this world for editors to pay
money for them.
Nobody knows who wrote
Casey at the Bat" so claim that
it was one of your first hits
very often you'll get away with it.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1913-02-15
CHARLEY BENNETT WAS
THE GREATEST CATCHER

this pair were catching Getzin,
Lady Baldwin and Conway, the
trio that pitched Detroit into
worlds championship in 1887.
In two years Charlie Bennett
will be so, and it does not seem
so very long since that winter
when the news of his misfortune
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1913-02-15
JACK KING CALLED

(By United. Press Leased Wire.)
PORTLAND, Ore, Feb. Is
Jack King. the Portland condi-
toner, will leave tomorrow for
San Francisco, where he will as
sist in preparing AID. Wolgast for
his battle with Tommy Murphy
Feb. %, .413T
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1913-02-15

BOUT OFF
(By United Press Leased wire.,

SAN FRANCISCO, Feb. 15.-
Because Gunboat Smith has been
matched to step 10 rounds with
Bombardier Wells, heavyweight
champion of England, before the
Madison Square club, New York,
the bout between Smith and Jack
Lester, scheduled for Feb. % in
this city, has been called off.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1913-02-15
THORPE's FINALE

(By United Press Leased WIre.J
BOSTON, Feb. 15.-Jim
Thorpe, deposed amateur Indian
athlete, will make his last APP
pearance as an all-around cham
pion tonight.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1913-02-15

The remedies we use are obso-
lutely non-poisonous and positively
do not contain mercury.
II unable TO call personally, send
&c stamp for diagnosis blank.
N. VOW CHINESE MEDICINE co.
1I481a Pacific nv. Phone
i14Sh Commerce 1t. Main 52SS
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1913-02-15
Fooled,

"Did you ever get buncoed?"
"Once, but l suppose It was my
own fault"
How was it?"
IT gave a preacher $50 for
marrying me-"
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1913-02-15
SOLD TO TOPEKA

PORTLAND, Ore, Feb. 15.-
Bill Rapps, first baseman for
the Portland Pacific Coast league
team, has today been sold to the
Topeka club in the Western
league.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1913-02-15
PERSONAL:

Here is a gem clipped from a
London newspaper:
Cultured, amiable, talented,
handsome young gentleman (26)
in financial difficulties desires
immediate acquaintance with
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1913-02-15
II A N DOM S HO rs
BY WILLYUM WILDWAvE.

wealthy young maiden or widow,
$50, who has fortune and gen.
erous disposition. Object-matri-
mony. Fitzmaurice, box IT'D,
Times"
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1913-02-15

zee wo Chinese Medicine Co
have successfully treated many OBJ
stinate cases. both men and women
Office 1116Iz Co. g st.
TueOma. WV
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1913-02-15

AGRICULTURAL NOTE:
The Delaware peach crop
is blighted again. l don't
care. I'm married.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1913-02-15

And by the way, Fifty just
hates himself, doesn't he?
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1913-02-15

And yet they say that
genius Is dead.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1913-02-15

PILES CURED IN TO II DAYS
Your druggist will refund money II Pszo
Ointment falls to cure Itching, Blind Bl" Id
Ing or Protyudins Piles In to IA days 200.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1913-02-15
TO THE PUBLIC
j have been sui

prostration for a
good many years and
could not find any
relief with all other
medicines until ]
took the zee Wo's
roots and herbs rem :
edy. / am now fully
restored in my
health and desire I
recommend zee Wo's
remedy to any suf.
ferers.
(SIgned)
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1913-02-15

Mustapha, that's no laffing
matter
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1913-02-15

By the use OF medic
inal herbs and roots
known for their re-
markable cures in
China, We are able
to absolutely cure
such ailments as
Catarrh, Deafness.
Asthma. Skin Dis
eases. Rheumatism.
Appendicitis. Heart
Trouble. Kidney
Ca~nIafnf Afa
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1913-02-15

There's newspaper hui
morist down in Frisco named
JOY. He is said to be en-
gagged to girl named Mill
dred Cash. That's the first
time n downright ever put
mortgage on Cash, believe
me!
The Lamar register., 1913-07-16
REX BEAcH'S
Roaring Western Comedy
GOING
SOME

u1sn,ruiy jealous one began 10
tremble. and Speed laid a comforting
hand upon her shoulder.
Il think you must be exciting your
self unduly." said he. Jeans other
friends didn't come. There's nobody
due now but Culver Gov"
That's who 1t Isl" Roberta raised
her pallid face as the young man fell
back.
Culver! Great Scott! Why. he's
engaged"
What"
Nothing! IL" Speed paused,
at an utter loss for words.
"You see. he'll discover the truth"
Does he know you are here?"
mo. i intended to surprise him.
was Jealous. l couldn't bear to think
of HE. being here with other girls
men are SO deceitful! That's why
consented to act as chaperon to Helen.
And now to think that l should have
met my fate in Jack Chapin!"
Il see. You want me to break the
news to Culver"
mo! moi" Mrs. Keap was aghast.
"If he even suspected the truth he'd
The Lamar register., 1913-07-16

Thank you," said Slower grateruny
while Fresno congratulated himself
upon an easy victory.
The two girls took Speeds trainer
with them, and went forth in search OF
the young man.
Its up to you fellows to see that he
gets to bed early" said Fresno. when
he and Slower were alone.
Leave 1t to US. And as for gettin'
up. we turn out at daylight. don't
reckon he could sleep none after that
II he tried" Slower pointed to the
striped elastic coils Of the exerciser
against the wall. Il didn't want to
speak about It while they was here"
said he, but one of them young ladies
lost her garters."
That's not a pair Of garters. that's
q chest-weight."
Jest wait for whati"
Chest weight-chest-de
"Oh!" Slower examined the device
curiously. Il thought chest-develop
er came In a bottle"
Fresno explained the operation OF
the apparatus. at which the cowman
remarked. admiringly:
THAT young Teller 10 all right. amt
hef"
Think sol"
Sure! Don't your"
Fresno explained his doubts BY .
The Lamar register., 1913-07-16

become q raging lion. Oh. I've been
quite distracted ever since Jack lett"
''Well. what am to dot You must
have some part laid out for met"
Il have. A desperate situation de-
uands q desperate remedy. I've lost
al conscience. That's why agreed TO
protect you II you'd protect me-"
go ahead"
Culver IL your friend
Were closer than a chord in G."
Then you must wire him"
Il have"
Mot to come"
What" J. Wallingford Speed start
I'd as II a wasp had stung him.
you must wire him at once not to
come. don't care what excuse you
give. but stop him Stop him!"
Speed reached for q pillar; he felt
that the porch was spinning slowly
beneath his feet
"Oh. see here, nowi can't do that"
you promisedi" cried Mrs. Keap.
dercely. Il have tried to think of
something to tell him. but I'm too
frightened"
"Yes. but-but Ewant him here
for this foot-raoAs Wally swallowed
bravely.
"Foot-race!" stormed the widow, in.
dignantly. Would you allow an insig
nificant thing like . foot-race to wreck
a human lief Two human lives?
Three?"
Cant you-wtre him?"
Mrs. Keap stamped her foot. 'Tf he
dreamed l was here he would hire a
special train. MOI It must come from
you. You are his best friend"
What can l say?" demanded the
bewildered Speed. unhappily.
Il don't care what you say, I don't
care what you do-only do something
and do it quickly before he has time
to leave Chicago" Then sensing the
hesitation in her companions face:
"Or perhaps you prefer to have Helen
know the deceit you have practiced
upon her? And I fancy these cowboys
would resent the Joke. don't you?
What do you think would happen If
they discovered their champion to be
merely a cheer-leader with a trunkful
of new clothes. who can't do a sin
gle outdoor sport-not one?"
Waltz" Speed mopped his brow
with a red-and-blue silk handkerchief
It'll do my best"
Then I shall DO my part" And
Mrs. Keap. who could not bear decep.
ton, turned and went indoors while J.
Wallingford Speed. a prey to sundry
misgivings. stumbled down the steps.
his head in q whirl
The Lamar register., 1913-07-16

crafty lift of his brows and q shrug.
I thought so-at first,
Slower wheeled upon him abruptly.
What's wrong"
"Oh, nothing"
After a pause the foreman remarked.
vaguely: Hes the intercollegit cham
peen'of Yale"
"Oh no. hardly that. or / would
have heard OF him"
Amt he no champeenT"
champion OF the running broad
smile and the half-mile talk perhaps"
Amt he footrunner?
perhaps. I've never seen him run.
but have my doubts"
Good Lord" moaned Slower. weak
ly.
He may be the best Splinter In the
country. mind you. but I'll lay a little
bet that he can't run a hundred yards
without sustenance.
without what"
"Sustenance-some to eat"
We'll, we've got plenty for him to
eat" said the mystided foreman.
you don't understand. However.
time will tell"
But we amt got no time. We've
made this race pay or play week
from Saturday, and the bets are down.
We was afraid the Centipede would
welsh when they seen who we had. SO
we framed it that way. What's to be
done?"
Again Fresno displayed an artistic
restraint that was admirable. Its
none of my business" said he, with a
careless shrug.
IL guess III tell Willie and the
bows" youchsafed Bill apprehensively.
mo. no! Don't breathe a word
rye said TO you. He may be cracker
lack and | wouldn't do him an injus-
tice for the world. All the same.
wish he hadn't broken my stop-watch."
"D' you think he broke it a-pur-
poser"
"What do you think?"
slower mopped the sweat from his
brow.
Cant we time him with ordinary
sure. We eau take yours. 1t won't
be exact. but"
Il amt got NO watch. bet mine
The Lamar register., 1913-07-16
NOTICE FOR PUBLICATION


Department Of the Interior
u. >. LAND OFFICE at Lamar. Col
orado. July /, 1914
NOTICE - hereby given that irwin A
HockenDury, OIL Lamar, Colorado. who
on March II. 1877. made Homestead en-
Try No. 1888. Serial NO. 02I23, for the
SEk OF Section %. and on September
a, 1910, made Add. HID. entry, No.
OS765, for SWA. Section 20. Township
"a s., Range 47W. 9Th Principal Meri-
dian. has filed notice of Intention to
make Three year Proof. to establish
claim to the land above described. be-
fore The Register and Receiver, at La
mar. Colorado. on the 18th day Of Aug
ust, 1918.
Claimant names as Witnesses:
George Perdue, George Rose. Richard
Bail and Harry Hacket, all Of Lamar.
Colorado
EUGENE n. WHITAKER.
Register.
The Lamar register., 1913-07-16

Statement or the Ownessidp. Man.
axcanent, Circulation, etc.
OF the Lamar Register published
weekly al Lamar. Colo. required
" act Oh Congress OF August ~.
1912.
Editor. Geo. B. Merrill. Lamar.
Colo.
Managing Editor. Geo. B. Asr-
rill. Lamar. Colo.
Business Manager. Geo. b. Mer.
rill. Lamar. Colo.
Publisher. Geo. B. Merrill. La
mar. Colorado.
Owner. Geo. B. Merrill. Lamar.
Colo
GEO. B. MERRILL
Sworn to and subscribed before
me this 9th day Of July. 1913.
(seaD ISAAC n. MYERS.
Notary Public.
My Com. expires July 9Th. 1918.
The Lamar register., 1913-07-16
ANNUAL FINANCIAL STATEMENT

OF School District No IL. County Of
t'rowers. state Of Colorado. from July
!. 1912. to June 20. 1913:
Received
Amount hand Genl. Fund IS a. IL
Received apportionment Gonl.
from Spec Tax school purposes 4sI ~
Apporticnment from interest =. Isl
Total ~ 657 70
Disbursements
Overdraft July l. 1911 spec
luiu -
IeacnerS salaries =. .... % "
or fuel, rent, insurance and
all current expenses BIZ %
interests on registered warrants -
debate taxes and fees %
.salance on hand Genl. fund. - ~
balance on hand Spec. fund III W
TOTAL ..''$ WI ~
amount oil registered warrants
and unpaId June ~, 1913 90 90
J. IL SkllsLING.
Secy. oil School District NO. l.
NOTICE FOR PUBLICATION
The Lamar register., 1913-07-16

For Sale-Thirty-four head Of two
year old Holstein Heifers. Write
Lem Cannon. Ramah. Colombo.
The Lamar register., 1913-07-16
CHAPTER VII.

n ERKELEY FRESNO was de-
" voting himself to Miss
Blake.
what do you think of
our decorations" she In
4 Quired.
- ThH Rye more OF less
The Lamar register., 1913-07-16

Motorcycle for sale. Gail At sos
south Third street.
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1907-1939, 1913-01-31

there at a considerable expense and
that IL was large enough TO carry away
the sewerage from that territory.
The sewer that was connected with
il brings down a large amount of mud
and refuse from land not in the city
limits. Ii is the persons living outside
of the city limits that are complaining
TO the city about the sewer, according
TO Commissioner GEM, who believes
that this matter should be referred TO
the county council
The county council has consented TO
pay half of the cost of repairing the
sewer. Mr.. GEM says that this would
not be Just TO the taxpayers OF Rich
mond 10 pay for fixing a sewer dam
aged by the carelessness of persons
living outside of the city. He said that
the expense of opening the sewer now
would not be great but by paying half
of this cost. the city would be bound
TO keep the sewer open in the future.
which would mean several hundred
dollars annually.
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1907-1939, 1913-01-31
INTEREST IN WILL
AT CONNERSVILLE

CONNERSVILLE, Ind, Jan. 81
Much local interest was felt in one
paragraph of the will of the late Miss
Martha John of Shelbyville, which pro-
vided bequest of $4,000 for the es-
tablishment of home for aged wo-
men, or orphans, in or near this city.
This bequest is conditional. 1t is
available only under the stipulation
that, within one year OF the time Of
the death Of Miss John, the county
commissioners. the common council, OR
some other body organized for the pur-
pose, obtained an equal amount, thus
making a total Of $4,000.
In case $4,000 Is not raised within
the specified time, the bequest in its
entirety is to go to the First Presby-
terrain church of this city. to be used
for building a home for pastors of
the local church's needs as the trustees
deem advisable.
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1907-1939, 1913-01-31
City Statistics
Deaths and Funerals.

cSdSHs ana UhefdtS.
THOMAS-Mrs. Lille Thomas. aged
81 years, died Thursday evening at
her home. 1926 North II street. She is
survived by one son, John Thomas.
one daughter. Mrs. Jessie Henley, her
mother, Mrs. Lucinda Wardlow. four
sisters, Mrs. Nicholas Murphy. Mrs
Frank Gibson, Mrs. Clarence Nelson
and Mrs. William Gibson and one
brother. Leslie Parker The funeral
will be held Sunday afternoon at 1880
O'Clock from the North end mission.
Burial in Earlham cemetery. Friends
may call any time.
LYBROOK-Colvin Lybrook, aged 2
years, died Thursday afternoon at the
home of his parents. Mr.. and Mrs. c..
NJ. Lybrook, seven miles southeast Of
Boston. The funeral will be held Sat
urday morning at IL o'clock from the
Concord church. Burial in the Con
corn cemetery.
Real Estate Transfers.
Dickinson Trust Company to Otto
Beyers; consideration $1,000.
Mary E. Roark to DR.. Chas. A.
Roark, lots 10 and Is addition to the
town of Milton: consideration 81.
John Jordan to Lydia A. Ollie, lots
1876, B. H. addition to the city of Rich
mond; consideration $3.50.
Aaron Cain to William Waking P. H.
addition to the city of Richmond; con-
sideration $2,250.
Edward Hedrick to Louise X KEN
lenbrink lots 16 of the E. L. c. addi-
ton and Z, 8, 9, and 10 of the ]. w. s.
addition consideration $4,000.
Totals transfers, s5,501
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1907-1939, 1913-01-31
RICHMOND DEALERS
WANT BILL PASSED
At Meeting of Grocers and
Butchers Garnishee Bill
Endorsed.
TO ATTEND SESSION
Attempt to Be Made to Sc
cure Enough to Charter
a Special Train.
TO ATTEND SESSION

Richmond will send representative
body of merchants and dealers OF nee
essities to Indianapolis next week
when the garnishee bill is brought be-
fore the state legislature. 1t is planned
by the local merchants to send large
delegation to the session and it is prob
able that special train will be char
tered to take them to that city.
This was decided upon at the meet
ing of local merchants held in the
council chamber at the city hall last
evening. Grocers are especially inter
ested in the proposed law which will
enable them as we'll as other dealers
of necessities to garnishee one-tenth of
the wages Of persons who refuse to
pay their bills.
The pending bill is constitutional &C
cording to Attorney General Honan
and if passed by the legislature it will
60 into effect within a comparatively
short time. The bill was introduced by
Representative Dillman from Shelby
vile, Ind.
Appeal To Representatives.
The local men are advocates of the
bill and will work for it's passage. Rep
resentatives Judkins. Senator Com
mons and oint-Representative Craw-
ford have been appealed to and it is
believed that their action will be ia
vorable toward the bill.
The bill will not work hardships OF
the poor citizens of the state who have
intentions Of paying their bills" said g
local grocer last evening. mo bills
which are now due can be collected
Whether a bill is just will be decided
before justice of the peace or in a
higher court"
1t is hoped by the retailers that by
means of this bill the persons who are
always delinquent with their bills will
be compelled to pay by means of the
proposed system provided for in the
bill.
One tenth of the wages of the debtor
can be collected every week and if the
debtor is paid semi-monthly one-fiftf
of his wages will be garnisheed by the
person to whom he is indebted.
500 Sign Petition.
More than 500 persons have signed
the petitions which were circulated il
this city. OF that number a large pei
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1907-1939, 1913-01-31

cent have declared their intentions of
attending the legislature TO lobby for
the bill. Special trains have been pro-
cured TO carry the boosters of the bill
from Shelbyville, Fl. Wayne, Evans
vile, Terre Haute and South Bend.
Last week the local committee, COM
posed of Cecil Clark and Walter Bull
lerdick went to Indianapolis in the in
terests of the local merchants.
Among those in this city who will
work for the bill next week and at
tempt to obtain enough persons TO pro-
cure private car for the Richmond
delegation are ]. W. Towle, c. E. Ha-
Zeltine and Edgar Norris
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1907-1939, 1913-01-31
COMPLAINTS ABOUT
S. | STREET SEWER
Persons Living Outside of
City Ask that 1t Be
Repaired. v

Many complaints have been receiv-
ed by Street Commissioner Gem
about the condition of the sewer on
by persons living out of the city linn
its. The sewer was tapped when South
L street was built and the mud from
the hill has filled the sewer and caus-
ed the water to back up on the street
and lots near the outlet. Commissioner
Gem says that he placed the sewer
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1907-1939, 1913-01-31
A WORD ABOUT OUR
TAILORING

M We how long this offer will We nothing You
u to get in godth
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1907-1939, 1913-01-31
Would She7

District Attorney-ls the lady on
your left. just selected as a juror. re-
lated to you. Mr.. Jones? Mr.. Jones
Yes, sir; she's my wife. District At
torney--Would she be apt to influence
your opinion in deciding on the merits
Of this case? Judge-That is a foolish
question. Mr.. Jones, you are excused.
Life
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1907-1939, 1913-01-31
More True Than Funny,

FLOWS Jennie and Bill?'
a downtown hotel"
"They are? Why? Why amt they
keepin' house. now that they've got
married"
"Well. they thought they wouldn't go
to housekeepin' for awhile"
"Why not?''
They're waitin' to get rich enough
to be able to buy furniture that will
look we'll in the same room with the
same stuff they got fer wedding pres
Plain Dealer.
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1907-1939, 1913-01-31
NUMBER OF PARDONS
GRANTED BY DENEEN
(National News Association

CHICAGO, Jan. 31.-Twenty-six
murderers and two other prisoners
have received the clemency of Cover
nor Chas. S. Deneen, who will give
place on Monday to Governor-elect
Dunn. Some of the prisoners have
been given committed sentences that
will let them out at 1ntervale. Four
teen of the convicted murderers were
former residents Of Chicago. Two of
them were expected to arrive in Chi
cago by tonight.
The news of the wholesale granting
of clemency caused considerable dis
satisfaction among Chicago police. AL
though Chief McWeeney refused to
discuss the affair, Captain LAWN is
sued a statement in which he deplored
the fact that the prisoners should be
set free at time when the city was
swept by wave Of crime. The police
have been given orders to watch the
men when they return to Chicago.
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1907-1939, 1913-01-31

NEW YORK. glimpse of
Miss
Campbell
time Campbell
TO be
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1907-1939, 1913-01-31

The report shows that seven churches
have 4,9O8 members and that for
missions and educational work in the
United States $10,S55.45 was con-
tributed
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1907-1939, 1913-01-31

Get a box Of Prices elegant Choco-
lates to take along with you.
advertisement 1t
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1907-1939, 1913-01-31

Hot chocolate with waters served at
Prices. advertisement 1t
TaÌˆgliche Omaha tribuÌˆne. [volume] (Omaha, Nebr.) 1912-1926, 1913-09-17
An das deutsche Publikum Won Omaha

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TaÌˆgliche Omaha tribuÌˆne. [volume] (Omaha, Nebr.) 1912-1926, 1913-09-17

80 - II EHN-Mi !.