The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1913-12-15
Laugh With Us

00
In a certain local store u lusty
iunged a%uctioneer was holding forth
in flowing terms on the virtues of n
particular brand of cigars he was en-
dcavoring to induce his audience 10
purchase.
Holding up a box Of cigars he
shouted: You can't get better, gem
tlemen. l don't car where you go, you
can't get better!"
no. came n cynical voice from
the back of the crowd. .ycu can l
smoked one last week, and I'm not
better vet"
In an asylum W WORTHLESS named
sandy n Tam formed n plan to
make their escape. Sandy says to
Tam:
Bend doom and I'll get on your
back and get on the zap o. the wall
and a II 70 uup."
and slides down the other side, saw
ing:
Tam. | think you'll be better to
stay anither FORTNIGHT, for you're no
near sane yet"
Hiram" said the wife of a coun.
trNman who had moved to the city,
III! jest bet the best COW we ever
had that you've done went and for
got to bring a roast for dinner!"
Hardly mumbled Hiram, as he
placed an arlnful of packages ON the
kitchen table. "1n fact. bought :
cents worth of roast"
Seven cents worth! Hiram, he
your mind failin' YEP"
But I had to pay 90 cents for it,"
smiled Hiram.-I-ippincott's.
a man. sent his enighbor's little boy
TO the drug store to buy five postage
stamps. lie handed him two dimes.
the extra ono being for himself. Some
time afterward the boy came back
blubberirs and said he had lost one
of the dimes.
But why didn't YOU buy me the
stamps asked the man.
Because, mister, it was your dime
| lost.-Thc Dclineator.
- Ladies and gentlemen" shouted
the l~oud-voiccd cheapjack at the
country market to the little crowd
which had gathered, this is the
book for everywhere, the 'book-the
nook! ne tossed it UP and caught 1t
as it fell . Then he went on: THE
book for everybody, see? Encyclope-
dia OF eighty pages. recipe for every
for the toothache, agreeable stories
for old women, treatise for young wo-
men o nthe part of getting husbands.
how t ocure punions without amputa-
ton. how to plant cabbages when the
moor is full. how to breed rabbits.
how to interpret dreams, how to tell
fortunes, how to get a divorce. The
book for everybody..'
But the audience IA unapprecia-
tive. and he failed to dispose of a
single copy =. The cheapjack looked
could not be disguised.
ladies and gentlemen" he remark
ed. II forgot to mention that in this
incompatible book there is a blank
paSe--fOr those who cannot read"
Pat. an Englishman, Il Scotch>
man were relating their escapes from
being killed
The Englishman said: while I
was engaged In repairing a spire in
London the other day, and when I
was about half way up the building
I missed my footing and down 1 fell
and was nearly killed."
The Scotchman started: while I
and a few other chaps were cutting
trees, a couple Of months ago one
of the trees, a very big one, fell on
top of me and crushed me to the
ground, and it's a miracle I was not
killed."
Then Pats turn came to tell about
his escape, and he began: 1.-THE
other day, while I vas mending the
top Of a house, I fell off a twenty
foot ladder"
"Horrible!" said the %scotchman.
you must have been near killed 2"
"Ah! no. replied Pat. calmly, 81 was
not hurt in the least"
"How's that?' asked the Scotchman.
I'll tell you. thefi," said Pat. II
couldn't have been very much hurt
as I only fell off the first step of it,"
One very cold day Tommy, in his
first trousers, was walking out with
his overcoat turned back to its ut
most limit.
"Tom," said his father. "button your
coat. Look at mine"
YES, but everybody knows YOU
wear trousers" replied Tom.-wom-
ans Home Companion.