davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The San Francisco call., 1913-08-31
auEER VEGETABLE

A vicar advertised for a servant a
short time ago, and O country girl,
with a fat, red face, answered the
advertisement.
After the vicar had asked few
personal questions. he said:
''You know, we are all vegetarians
here, and, of course. we should re-
quire you to be one. No meat, you
know-simply vegetables
She dropped her eyes and for a
time seemed in deep thought.
"Well, what do you think?" asked
the vicar after short time.
We'll sir" she replied, tits like
this. l don't mind so much about the
meat; but before I take the place
should like to know if you--er--call
beer a vegetable?"
She was not engaged.-Newport
Mail
The San Francisco call., 1913-08-31
HOTEL NEWS

DR.. Carl Murphy Of Sacramento is
registered at the Manx.
e. II. Hess. hotel man of Los An
geles, is at the Argonaut.
r. p. Lunt and wife of Hollywood
are staying at the Fairmont
G. c. Cooke and wife OF Stockton
are registered at the Palace.
+. f. Bryant and wife OF Boston are
registered at the st. Francis.
A. L. Christian and wife OF Ven
tura are guests at the Argonaut.
Roy l.. CoswelI and wife of Santa
Cruz are staying at the Stewart.
r. A. McNally. grain merchant Of
Willows, Is staying at the Manx.
Mrs. J. A. whltell of Hamburg, Ger
many. is guest at the Fairmont.
Waldo Tilton. real estate dealer
of Fresno. is spending few days at
the Manx.
d. ID. Sullivan. mine owner OF
Millet, New. Is registered at the
Union Square.
Henry Lille. business man OF
Long Beach, is guest at the Stewart
with Mrs. Lille
o. Garfield Drake. a business man
OF Los Angeles, is guest at the Pal
ace with his wife.
H. c. Hayward. manager of the
SpreckeIs theater of Los Angeles, is
staying at the Palace.
D. f. Ray, business man of Stock
ton, is at the St Francis with his
daughter. Miss Lucy Ray.
Lieutenant Jose Perez Brown
United States army. and Mrs. Brown
are registered at the Palace.
Edward Fisher, president OF the
First National bank of vacaville. il
guest at the st. Francis with Mrs
Fisher.
DR.. 6. III. Aiken OF Fresno, who has
been hunting deer In Humboldt
county, is staying at the Union
Square, en- route home.
The San Francisco call., 1913-08-31
A DREAM THAT WAC TRUE

The young man was naval Off
Ger. The young woman belonged
to the higher circles Of New York
society and was the daughter of
very wealthy parents. The parents
looked coldly on the young mans
suit, but he persevered.
After parting in this country the
lovers met in Italy and the court
ship was resumed. Then there was
another separation. The warship to
which the young man was attached
sailed for the coast of France. The
young woman and her parents sailed
Tor New York. The young man
was detailed on a mission to Paris,
and while there, having retired to
rest, ahe fell into dream, in which
he was transported to the home Of
his sweetheart in New York. His
impression was that the girl was i'll,
and that she was in great distress Of
mind and body, and was calling upon
him with soulracking entreaty TO
help her"
The young man noted the time OF
the dream, and later he received a
letter which proved that at that very
time the incidents Of the dream were
being enacted in real life. The young
woman was on her death bed and
throughout her illness she kept cali
ing piteously for her lover. The
day, the hour and the minute after
The San Francisco call., 1913-08-31
ALL THINGS COME TO THEM WHO
WAIT

Can I believe my eyes!' exclaimed
Mr.. Timkins of East Orange. as he
confronted the burglar. Mr.. Timlins
had been sent down in the middle Of
the night to investigate a strange
noise. which proved to be the family
silver in process OF packing up.
The burglar reached for his gun,
but Mr.. Timklns grabbed the hand tn
stead.
Don't he said, giving the hand a
cordial shake. You don't know how
much I'm interested IN you. Stay a
while. I want YOU to meet Mrs. Tim
kins."
while you're calling a cop. Not on
your lifel" retorted the burglar.
NO" said Mr.. TimlSlrs ~ just want
you to stay while ! call my wife.
She's heard you at work every night
for 20 years and this is tho hrst
chance she's ever had to see you
New York Evening Post.
The San Francisco call., 1913-08-31
FILL OF INuENDO

Apropos Of the incorporation of the
New York Stock exchange, Theodore
p. Shonts said the other day:
Doubtless the Incorporation of the
exchange Will be a good thing. l
deprecate, though. that there is low
standard Of honor among stock bro
kers. Why. to hear some people talk,
you'd think that there were SO many
crooks on the Stock exchange that
every sentence contained an inuendo
like the San Quentin prison tale,
you know:
There were two convicts at san
Quentin, one In for stealing a watch.
the other for stealing a COW. They
disliked one another. and their con-
versation was full of inuendo.
Thus the man who had stolen the
COW said to the one who had stolen
the watch
s"Jin, what time is It?
Jim. with a nasty laugh. replied.
Milking time, joe New Or
leans States.
The San Francisco call., 1913-08-31
TOLD AND RETOLD
GOOD CAUSE FoR INDIGNATION

uOOD CAUSE FOh ANDiONA AI1OS
Susquehanna is near the line be-
tween New York and Pennsylvania
A man who kept blind pig" in that
perennially dry town WIS indicted
and put on trial after many years OF
immunity. One OF the states wit
nesses was lifelong friend and pa
tron. To him, on the stand. the dis
trict attorney said:
Mr.. Jones. how long have you
known this defendant?v
I've known Mr.. Robinson, man and
boy. for nigh on to seventy year.
Have you ever been in his place r.
Yes, sir. anywhere from two to ten
times a day for fifty years or more"
Why did you go there?"
Went to get a drink
And you always got the drink?"
Always. SIR
What did you generally get?"
i asked for goats milk
Did you get goats milk?"
What I got was always satisfac-
tory to me. sir
Now, Mr.. Jones, tell me, on your
oath-when you went into Mr.. Robin
sons place, two or five or 10 times a
day for SO years or more. as you have
testified, and asked for goats milk
as matter of fact, didn't he give you
whisky"
The old man combed his long white
whiskers with his fingers as he leaned
forward, indignation, dismay, and
other emotions struggling for mastery,
as he replied:
Mr. District Attorney! AS I tell
you, have known Mr.. Robinson, man
and boy, for a lifetime. His wife and
my wife is like sisters; they have
nursed each other IN sickness and
been good friends in health. / trust
Mr.. Robinson like brother. And II
I went into his place and asked him
for goats milk, and he give me whisky!
all I'VE got TO say, sir, Is that he
done very g."--New York Even
ing Post.
The San Francisco call., 1913-08-31
HOW TT SEEMED TO JAMES

James" said the proprietor to the
Office boy, "go around to Rev. Mr..
Smith and give him this note for me.
James departed. whistling, and in
due time returned.
Well" said his employer, did you
give the note to Mr.. Smith?'
Eyes, sir" said the boy, "but I
don't think 1t will do much good, be-
cause he's blind
"Biind?' exclaimed the proprietor,
in shocked surprise. why. I saw
him yesterday and he wasn't blind
then"
We'll, he's blind now" persisted
the youth. while I was in there he
asked me three times where my hat
was. and 1t was on my head all the
timey-New Orleans States.
The San Francisco call., 1913-08-31
THE FUTURIsTs

George Luks. at luncheon at Sher-
ry's. was talking about the 'sfutur-
ists''
TITS astonishing what they can get
out Of the human figure.'' he said.
Look at the Nude Descending a
Staircase why. it resembled a con-
migration. or a ship, or a soap works,
or anything you please.
IT'S like a beautiful girl who
waited on friend of mine to pose.
She had such fresh, sweet, modest
air that my friend b1ushed and STAN
mered:
"'But what--er-what do you pose
for?
"She shrugged her pretty shoulders.
"sOh.' she said, anything you like
landscape, If necessary New Or
leans States
The San Francisco call., 1913-08-31
COULDN'T CoNTRovERT THIS
PROOF

The reading class was in session
and the word s'furlough" occurred.
Miss Thatcher, the teacher. asked II
any little boy or girl knew the mean
ing of the word.
One small hand was raised and
shaken vigorously
'Furlough means mule. said the
child.
"Oh, no. it doesn't" said the teacher.
.'Yes, ma'am. insisted the little
girl: Il have the book at home that
says so.'
Miss Thatcher told the child to
bring the book to school, The next
morning the child came armed with a
book and triumphantly showed pic
ture of an American soldier riding
mule, under which was printed:
Going home on his furlough.--
New York Evening Post.
The San Francisco call., 1913-08-31
ORLAND'S IRRIGATION
SUPPLY EXHAUSTED

ORLAND. Aug. 2o.-The gates at
the diversion dam were closed
Wednesday at noon. The water re-
naming In the main canal has been
exhausted.
This means that there will be no
more irrigating done within the mon
stcr Orland project for the remainder
of the year.
The reservoir Will be enlarged.
The San Francisco call., 1913-08-31
TWO LODGES TO PICNIC

VALLEJO. Aug. 30.--vaIlejo Ma
sons and Odd Fellows and their
friends will picnic at Boyes Springs.
Sonoma county. Monday. Many VAL
Iejoftes win go to the resort In the
special train, which will leave here at
o'clock a. M. while others will make
the trip in automobiles. The fea-
ture Of the day will be ball game
between picked mines from the Odd
Fellow and Temple Social clubs.
The San Francisco call., 1913-08-31
SHE oBJECTED

Customer complaining to ice COM
pany manager1 - Your teamster
doesn't give full measure.
Manager-If he doesn't. madam, he
is at fault.
fault at my door.-Boston Transcript
The San Francisco call., 1913-08-31
LITTLE MOVIES
HARD TIMES

ITS pretty hard making living
these days. sighed Hankinson.
"You bet 1t Is" said Blithers. Why.
even the fire insurance people are
getting to be careful. A fellow can't
get more than $50, 1000 worth Of in
surance on carpetbag full Of
paraffine and elsior."-Harper's
weekly
The San Francisco call., 1913-08-31
nPENING THEIR EYES

our pastor preached a sermon on
marriage last Sunday"
did it seem to have a stimulating
effsct?"
mo, on the contrary: it was so
solemn and conveyed so many warn
ings that 1t broke off two engage
mcnts."-St. Louis Dispatch
The San Francisco call., 1913-08-31
CONSISTENT

"Now, this car is so constructed"
said the agent. that it can't possibly
turn turtle
Well should say mott" said links.
..At the price you ask for 1t, it
oughtn't to turn anything short OF a
diamond backed terrapin. ."-Harper's
Weekly.
The San Francisco call., 1913-08-31
THAT'S so

"r'm sorry, madam" said the floor
walker. but it's against the rules Of
the house. we can not exchange
those goods again.
But my husband doesn't like
them
..Wen, why not exchange your hus-
band ?"-St Louis Dispatch.
The San Francisco call., 1913-08-31
THE DISCOURAGED PoET

Alfred Noyes. the British poet.
though usually very successful in
marketing his wares. suffered q slump
toward the end CT his American visit,
and naturally became low spirited IN
consequence.
Everything seems to be going
wrong" he sighed one evening ct the
Franklin Inn in Philadelphia. I'll
havo to change my luck somehow or
other"
He laughed griinly, and resumed:
II asked the maid at my lodgings
this morning what had become Of the
paper that I'd left lying on my desk.
Oh. SIR said She. i thought Il
was waste paper. and threw it 81 tho
waste paper basket
No, said ], 1T wasn't waste paper.
/ hadn't written anything On IL ye:' .
New Orleans States.
The San Francisco call., 1913-08-31
ELS NAME WAS GEono..e

The next door ncighbor sccrnsully
surveyed the bride Of two weeks
chopping her nrewood in tho back
garden.
II should have thought IL WAS your
husbands place to do that chopping." !"
She remarked, and forthwith pro-
ceeded TO give the young wife lee
ture on the way to keep husbands
down."
"But. Mrs. Morgan" " stHlnmercd the
newlywed. proudly defending tho abb
sent one. George has more important
things on HIS mind than chopp:ng
firewood.''
And haven't your snapped tl~
woinen's rights advocate
why, no. rejcined tho bride.
bIushing a little. All have on nay
mind is Georgia 7"-Answors.
The San Francisco call., 1913-08-31
HELP

A policeman who was charged with
having lost his whistle was asked to
explain. He said:
you see, I went home last night
and put my whistle on the table
turned round, and. bless me, one OF
my kids was choking and nearly
black in the face. You see, inspector,
he'd swallowed the whistle.
sIs he dead?" asked the sympa-
thetic Inspector.
mo, sir" was the reply. He isn't
dead, but he's got whooping cough,
and now every time he coughs the
sSblows and the cop on the beat
comes a-running to see what's the
trouble. New York Mall.
The San Francisco call., 1913-08-31
Queries Answered

GOODS AT THE FART, City. The sub
ject Of your inquiry. "Can persons exhibiting
dutlable goods at the Panama Pacific inter-
national exposition ia 1915 sell such to Gus
toners on the fair grounds Or elsewhere with
out first paying custom house duty? If the
goods are simply exhibited and not offered for
sale, what will become OF them after the close
Of the fair, provided such goods have been ad-
mitted free Of duty for exhibition purposes r.
is a matter that is now before congress, and
until it is acted on no answer can be given.
X n
CRABs-J. T., city. Any one may net
crabs from or private or public wharf, pro-
viding such is not for profit. but such taking
is prohibited In the close season. which is
between the FIRST day OF November and the
first day Of March following. Any crab which
Is brought up and measures less than seven
water from which taken.
DOG LICENSE Subscriber, City If you
obtain license In san francisco for your dog
it protects your dog In that city only. II
you take your dog with such license in any
county outside Of San Francisco you take
chances Of having the animal impounded for
not having a license from tie county in which
you CO.
CHIEF ARcHITECT-P. H., Lemon Cove.
George W. Kelham Is the architect in chief
OF the Panama Pacific canal exposition.
SPARROw--H., City. English sparrows are
not protected birds under the laws Of this
state, neither are linnets
EASTER SUNDAYS Subscriber. City. Easter
Sunday, 1907, fell on March 81.
The San Francisco call., 1913-08-31
IMPORTED

This is not an American joke. The
reader is solemnly warned that 1t is
of German extraction. Germans. as
everybody knows. like their jests
broad and brutal The victim OF this
one was Cousin Hugo.
It seems Cousin Hugo made a night
of 1t and got home as the small hours
began to cease to be small. AS he
climbed the stairs he stumbled Tin
spite of the most elaborate care) and
rolled down into the hall below. The
consequence-for Cousin Hugo Is not
SO young as he used to be-was a
broken collar bone and strained
back. Ahead even of the millzman,
then. came the family doctor. an esti-
mable old gentleman, and admins
tered soothing words while he en-
cased the patient in plaster.
Il know, my dear sir, he SAID,
that it hurts like the deuce, but 1t
is not a bit dangerous All the same.
you'll have to stay in bed for while.
You got a nasty fall. How did 1T
happen? Was 1t dark?"
1T was not. DOCTOR" replied Cousin
Hugo with some asperity. 1T was
Pilsener.''
But perhaps you are not a beer
drinker.--New York Evening Post.
The San Francisco call., 1913-08-31
VERY sALABLE

The lawyers office was situated on
one of the principal streets of the
town, and the lawyer was very busy.
The countryman who had just come
to town was not so busy and had
plenty Of time to look around. Sud
denly he came to the lawyers offlce,
and, seeing nothing but one man at
desk, inquired:
mister, what yer got to sell in
here?"
.Numskulls, numskulls." replied the
man of law. testify.
Well they shore must be good
sale" the countryman said as he
quickly Withdrew. "as I see We haint
got but one left. t."-National Monthly.
The San Francisco call., 1913-08-31

EASTER SUNDAY Subscriber. City. Easter
Sunday, 1907 fell on March 81.
The San Francisco call., 1913-08-31
soMErnING NEW no sMoKn

Jesse Carmichael was walking
down town In New York with his
friend, Bob Ginter.
Bob was putting industriously on a
fat, dark cigar. and had succeeded in
consuming about half OF 1t, causing
the covering to curl up with the heat.
what in thunder are you smok-
fng?" asked Carmichael.
"a fne cigar replied Ginter.
"Oh." said Carmichael sadly, IT
thought II was an umbrella~"-The
Popular Magazine.
The San Francisco call., 1913-08-31

sPARROw--H., City. English sparrows ar
not protected birds under the laws Of thl
state. neither are linnets.
The San Francisco call., 1913-08-31

CHIEF ARcHITECT-P. r., Lemon Cove
George W. Kelham Is the architect in chiel
OF the Panama Pacific canal exposition.
The San Francisco call., 1913-08-31
nAD LUCK

George Ade told at a picnic at
Hazelbroolx farm story about At
lantic City.
"A young fellow" he said. went
to Atlantic City. had gay time, and
at the end of his vacation eloped
with an Altoona girl.
Several years later the Altoona
girl. now his wife. said TO him during
q quarrel:
.ssYou were bright and sweet
enough the summer at Atlantic City,
you old beari I'd Just like TO know
how many girls you made love to at
the hotel before you took msr
Twelve. the man groaned. but I
didn't think to count EN- up until 1t
was too late. Minneapolis Journal.
Vilas County news. [volume] (Eagle River, Vilas County, Wis.) 1896-1927, 1913-01-22
PROPOSE LID ON LOBBYISTS
New Rules Recommended Bars from
Senate Floor Persons With Intent
to influence Legislation.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS are to be
barred from the floor of the senate
hereafter whether that body is in
session or not. No ex-senator or any
other person who shall be directly
interested in defeating or promoting
any pending legislation, whether reg
istered as lobbyists or not, shall have
the privileges of the floor at any
time. These are the important
changes made in the rules of the
senate as proposed by the committee
on rules.
The rules provide that the COVER
nor, lieutenant-go state Off
GERS, regents of the university and
normal schools, congressman, judges
of the supreme and inferior courts
and ex-members of the legislature are
given privileges of the floor and
newspaper correspondents when the
senate is not in session.
Vilas County news. [volume] (Eagle River, Vilas County, Wis.) 1896-1927, 1913-01-22
MAY BUILD MODEL SCHOOLS
Erection of Buildings in Wisconsin
Rural District Considered by Rus
sci Sage Foundation.

Madison.-Tke division of eduea-
ton of the Russell Sage foundation
of New York may establish few
model rural schools in Wisconsin. Ey-
cry member of the legislature has re-
ceived a booklet from the foundation
giving comparative study of the
public school systems in the forty
eight states. The report shows that
for every 500 of wealth in Wiscon-
sin, 81 cents goes for schools; Illi-
nois, % cents; Minnesota, 80 cents,
and Oklahoma, which has the largest
proportion, rs cents The report
shows that it costs 16 cents each day
for one days schooling for one child
in the state of Wisconsin, as COM
pared to % cents in Minnesota, %
cents in Illinois and in South Caro-
lima, which has the lowest percent
age, cents for each child. The re-
port shows that 80 per cent of the
people in the state of Wisconsin are
illiterate; 8 per cent in Minnesota
and 81 in Illinois.
Vilas County news. [volume] (Eagle River, Vilas County, Wis.) 1896-1927, 1913-01-22
FREE INAUGURATION PLAN
OF SECRETARY FISHER
Would Hold Popular Reception In Ma
tionaI Capital, With No Charge for
Admission.


Washington, Jan, 16.-President'
elect Wilson's Inauguration, in the
opinion of Secretary of the Interior
Fisher, should be celebrated by pop
ular reception in the rOtunda of the
national capitol to which there should
be no charge whatever for admission
instead of by an inaugural ball, as IN
the past, with accompanying concert
and supper, in the pension building
to which admission is charged.
Mr.. Fisher expressed this view In
a letter to Senator Sutherland and
Representative Sheppard, chairmen'
respectively. of the senate and house
committees on public buildings ana
grounds.
THE time has arrived" says the
secretary, 'for making fundamental
change In the method of celebrating
the Inauguration of the president Oh
the United States. He should be IN
augurated in a manner fitting the Dig
nifty and Importance of the occa-
sion.
ut should not be left to the Volun-
tary action of philosophical citizens.
I most respectfully and earnestly sug-
gest that congress itself should take
charge of the inauguration celebration
and make the necessary appropriation
therefor.
AN appropriation. of 100000 would
involve far less loss to the taxpayers
of the nation than is incurred dlrectiy
and indirectly in the existing prac-
tice"
To meet the expenses of Inaugural
ton balls a charge of five dollars mas
been made for tickets and fifty cents
to each of the subsequent concerts
with extra charges for the supper
seats in the grand stand, and so on
Vilas County news. [volume] (Eagle River, Vilas County, Wis.) 1896-1927, 1913-01-22
TO QUESTION ROCKEFELLER;
MAGNATE IN BAD SHAPE
Federal Physician Reports He Could
Stand Short administrations
mitfee to Name Place.

Washington, Jan. 17.-By a resolu-
nesday decided that William Rockefel-
Ter may be examined by the chairman
and Samuel Untermyer, the commit
tees counsel, although the examina-
ton will be private and will be held
in all probability in the south.
The committee reached this decision
after DR.. Charles w Richardson, the
physician who examined Mr.. Rookie
Teller at Miami, Fla, took the stand
and reported that the brother of the
oil king could stand a short examina-
ton, but that his condition is such
that lengthy ordeal is impractlcable.
Doctor Richardson told the commit
tee that his examination of Mr.. Rookie
Teller had consumed about one hour.
He said Mr. Rockefeller's right vocal
cord is entirely gone and his voice
is not audible at a distance of more
than twenty feet. In addition to his
throat disease Mr.. Rockefeller suffers
from palsy, Doctor Richardson re-
ported.
in order to get a graphic test of
his nervous condition / stood behind
him with a watch while he wrote for
two and one-half minutes" Doctor
Richardson said "He did not know
that l was timing him. He wrote con-
tinuously with great deal of effort.
The condition which he has Is COM
monty known as shaking palsy mis-
hands move constantly and his head
gyrates at the same time.
His physicians fear that if he is
brought before the committee he may
have a development of oedema, or
swelling in his larynx, which will OBJ
struct his breathing, or he might have
a hemorrhage."
"Are those possible results?" Mr..
Untermyer asked.
They are probable results" the
physician replied. Rockefeller has
two very serious and chronic condi-
tions, both of which impair his eff
ficiency as a witness"
Vilas County news. [volume] (Eagle River, Vilas County, Wis.) 1896-1927, 1913-01-22
ELECTORS CAST THEIR VOTES,
Forty States Name Wilson, Five
Roosevelt and Two Taft.

New York, Jan. 15.--Woodrow Will
son on Monday was formally elected
president of the United States when
electors in 40 states met and cast
their votes as required under the Con-
stitution. Five states were lined up
for Theodore Roosevelt and President
Taft rested content with the eight cleo
toral votes of Vermont and Utah, One
state. California, split its vote be-
tween Wilson and Roosevelt. The to-
tai was: Wilson, 435; Roosevelt, 49,;
Taft s.
Vermont and Utah gave their eight
electoral votes for vice-president to
DR.. Nicholas Murray Butler of Column
bia university, New York City. Mrs.
Margaret Zane Witcher was chosen to
carry the Utah returns to Washington.
The returns will be canvassed in
Washington on February IL In joint
session of the senate and house.