Newark evening star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1909-1916, 1913-08-27
On the Spur of
the Moment
THE DIARY OF A BONEHEAD
BY ROY MoULToN.
written Exclusively for Evening stsa

THE DIARY OF A BONEHEAD
When 1 ride in an automobile after
this 1t will be as an owner and not
as a passenger. The stirring events
of this day have quite cured me of
ever taking passage on another mans
car. We had a puncture when we
had reached a point only nine miles
from town this morning on a 30-miie
trip.
The owner put in the new inner
tube and then turned the pump over
to me. Owners always do this and
wise owners always take a husky
passenger. They explain that the
labor must be divided. It requires
skill to insert an inner tube and
pumping up the tire requires only
brute strength. After the owner has
put in the inner tube, his share OF
the labor ends and he must climb
into the car and entertain the ladies
while the husky passenger pumps.
We had our puncture on a strip OF
road that was as devoid of shade ais
is the necktie of a clean shaver bar
tender. Punctures always happen In
sunny road four miles from a tree.
Friend Owner entertained the ladies
this morning while L, in the capacity
| OF husky Passenger. did the pump
ing The more l pumped the jollier
Friend Owner became. He told of
various pumping exploits in which he
| inquired as star performer before he
owned car of his own. He claimed
that he had once pumped up a tire in
| three minutes
| | began pumping at Q o'clock and
by 10 had pumped enough wind into
that tire to fill all the balloons In a
Gordon Bennett cup race and to turn
al of the windmllls in the State Of
limos until they had pumped enough
| water to have filed the entire chain
OF lakes. After / had pumped one
hour my friend put on his cute little
| tester and announced that there was
only thirty pounds in the tire. where's
as there would have to be eighty at
the least before we could proceed.
flnest III pumper l have ever had
with me on a trip" he said, as I fell
TO the task again with anger rapidly
rising above the danger point and
noodlng my mental carbureter I
knew he had told that to every pas-
senger who had ever pumped for him
UP and down, up and down, I
pumped until the hinge In the middle
or my back began to squeak like an
old barnyard gate. and by II O'Clock
had got her up to sixty pounds, ac-
cordlng to the tester. l knew 1 had
pumped over $4,000 pounds. into that
tire, If l had pumped an ounce /
had pumped in all of the wind In that
township and left the natives saspine-
for breath When l had done it
created a vacuum and the wind
poured in from the surrounding coun !
try to the extent that several corn :
cribs were blown over and a meeting
house was all but unroofed. If the
| minister had been there he would
have been unfrocked. BY noon. |
hadn't left enough air in that section
of the country to keep a 2-months-
old child alive for minute and a
half. My friend tested 1t and found
that we had only seventy-f1ve pounds.
but said he would go ahead with that
They lifted my wilted form into the
car and proceeded.
We went about three rods when
one of the rear tires began to sag
and then quit entirely
Good afternoon" said I, politely,
as l sprang out of the back seat and
beat it over the back trail for home.
So far as l know, Friend Owner is
sitting there yet, waiting for a
pumper What he needy is a hand
car crew that can pump forty-seven
miles and still take an interest In life.
What / want to know is what be-
comes of all the wind that you pump
into a tire, when each upward stroka
weighs about forty pounds