davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Meeker herald., 1913-03-22
Couldn't Bend the Horns.

After somewhat hilarious night Q
farmer called up his son before 1t was
light and told him to 20 and harness
the donkey. The young man obeyed,
but did not tnke light With him. 1t
no happened that the night before had
been very frosty. and an old COW had
strayed into the stable and driven the
donkey out. Thinking the young man
a long time absent. the father went to
ascertain the cause Of the delay.
.Jack. what are you doing?" he called
when be found the stable In darkness.
why. can't get the collar over the
donkey's hesd." replied Jack. "Hts
cars afs ifrosan.'. =
The Meeker herald., 1913-03-22
o...ins IL. Collar On.

A prosperous farmer has gained the
reputation Of being the stinsiest man
In his town and consequently II not a
general favorite with his neighbors.
He owns an old horse which. to put 1t
mildly, il very thin. Az II to make up
for the lack Of fesh on It's body. how
ever. the animal has a head many sizes
too large for 1t. OF course people talk
about the horse. and the owner doesn't
like 1t. Last week. for instance, be
went to the expense Of new collar for
the anImui A very few minutes after
the delivery he was back at the sad
dler's with the collar.
"Don't you know pothin'?' be blurt-
ed out. You've made It too small I
can't get It over his head"
"Over his head!'' reiterated the sad
der. Man alive, It wasn't made to 60
over his head: Back him into itr'-
Every IN
The Meeker herald., 1913-03-22

MOUTH.
pipe from your mouth. you should say,
Are you President FishT I would
say: 4 am. Who are you" Then you
should say. 4 am Pat Casey. .One OF
your switchmen.' Then | would say.
What can | do for you? Then you
would tell ME. and the matter would
be settled. Now. y0n go out and come
In again In little while and zee II
you can do better"
So the switchmnn went out. closing
the door. About two hours later there
was knock on the door, and Presl-
dent Fish said. Come In In came
Pat Casey with his hut Oh and his pipe
out of his mouth. Pat said: Good
mornin., Are you President Fish Of
the Illinois Centraly' President Fish
said: II am. Who are you:" 81 am
Pat Casey. one Of your swftchmen."
well. MIR. Casey. what can do for
your you can so to b.. got q
pass over the Wabash"
The Meeker herald., 1913-03-22
Dumas and ceppss.


The following Interesting story is 60
ing the rounds of the European press:
''FrnncoIs Coppee's one act play.
The Passerby.' in which Nine. Bern
hardt appeared, attracted much atten-
ton in France. The elder Dumas was
70 enthusiastic over Coppee's little
play that he embraced the author In
the foyer of the theater In the pres.
ence of large gathering and ex-
claimed:
".oh. you talented man; tell me
your name!
"But Coppee was on guard. He
knew, Dumas: be knew that he was
leading luxurious life and that he
borrowed money right and left to
maintain such mode Of life. And
Coppee was known as 4 rather stingy
young man.
I'm answer to the fiattering question
Of Dumns. Coppee also embraced him
and said:
".Oh. divine Dumas. shall never
dare to mention my inslgni6cant name
in your presence.
Dumas was flattered. He shook
Coppee's hand warmly and exclaimed:
81 wish that every young French
man were as modest as you arsr"
The Meeker herald., 1913-03-22
IL. Juda.,. suggestion.

In one Of the Interior counties If
Maine cnse was called that had lGag
been in litigation. The chief Justice
who Mt that time WIS plain Judge
Peters-thouRht 1t imprncticabie to
keep the suit longer in court and nd
vised the parties to refer the matter.
After due deliberation they assented.
agreeing to refer the case to three
honest men. With u grave smile. In
perfect keeping With judicial dignity.
Judge Peters said that the case In
volved certain legal points which
would require one of the referees. at
least. to hive sonlc knowledge Of law:
therefore he would suggest the pro-
priety of their selecting Que lawyer
and two honest men.
The Meeker herald., 1913-03-22

You'll nnd II hard on this old earth
To turn your sorrow into mirth.
You scarce can make q Jest Of II.
But as you 60 the journey through,
Whatever 10. youth md that you
Can always make the best OF It
Misfortune darksns every sky.
But not 70 much for those who try.
To see the silver side OF It
Misfortunes may be hard to bear,
But every one must have his share.
And no one yet has died OF II.
30. be the burden what II may.
And let there come the darkest day.
With sorrow and the rest of II.
You cannot alter what must DO
Or turn the noise to melody,
But all can make the best of II.
The Meeker herald., 1913-03-22

When hope recoils clear . path
For mortals where the road v hard.
! reap from failures aftermath;
I enter where the gates are barreA
Der seas unsailed hold the helm.
L cleave Q passage through the air.
I find the goal Of every realm.
Ny questing foot IL everywhere.
raise the burden for the faint
And press his shoulder to the wheel.
Train him to scorn the weak complaint
And bruise distrust beneath his heel.
Who woos mo finds his boon at length
Unaided. while for others sakes
He shares the brotherhood Of strsn9th
And to his helpful self awakes-
John Troland.
The Meeker herald., 1913-03-22

An EnglIshman In New York got in
car and sat opposite to lady who had
very peculiar looking child In her
arms An awfully funny looking kid 1t
was, and the man could not keep his
ayes away from it He would look at
It. look away and then look back again,
absolutely fascinated by It. it was SO
ugly.
Finally the mother became very much
annoyed over the mans rudeness and
leaned over and said to him. '.Rubber!"
A look Of relief cnme over the Eng
lishmnn's face rs he exclaimed:
THANK heaven. madam. ! thought
II was renI."-New York American.
The Meeker herald., 1913-03-22
THE MUD NUISANCE ON
OILED MAcADAM ROADS.
A Question That 10 psrpsssi.s Read
Engineers

With the coming Of summer mu-
nicimil engineers have brought again
before them the perpIexing Question
which has been giving many Of them
gray hairs for several seasons past:
What shall we do this season to cope
with the dust nuisance on macadamized
streets?
Probably the most generally adopt
ed plan has been the sprinklipg Of the
macndam with some asphaltic oil. II
has been demonstrated that where
horse drawn trafic does not predomi-
nate such sprlnkling is a success in
preventing disintegration and undue
wear by building up q Subbery traf'c
mat on top Of the stone.
But in escaping from the chorus Of
complaints Of the dust nuisance the
engineer runs foul Of new set Of pro
tests from indignant citizens who 6nd
carriage vnrnish. clothing and door
coverings ruined BY the black. greasy
mud which covers these roads after
every hard rain.
The cause Of this nuisance Inns been
variousIy explained. but the condition
has seldom been remedied. II has now
been shown that asphaltic oils and wa
ter will form an emulsion whence
colloidal matter like clay is added.
This Is what happens to the asphah
bound traffic mat under the sonking of
rain and the kneading Of trafic. Con-
siderable loan and litter are carried
on to the road in the course of ortli-
nary traflc. and the rain and wheels
complete the process. After the rain
has ceased the emulsion gradually dries
out. and the traflic mat eventually be-
comes as effective as before, but II Is
again converted to mud by the next
heavy storm. When the mat contains
a large proportion OF bitumen and is
dense and rubbery this emulsifying 10
delayed. hut only delayed When the
mat grows older and 80 much dirt and
litter have been ground into 1t that the
proportion Sf bitumen IL lowered. then
its earlier water shedding qualities are
lost and Its surface is Shiny. slippery
and nasty utter every shower.
Several remedies are conceivable.
but practical objections arise to all Of
them. For Instance. before applying
the binder greut care must be paid to
removing the last traces of fine dust
and litter and in throwing on gravel.
small store or screenings as filler.
The finest dust ID to be discarded.
Moreover. this filler must be OF ma
terial not easily reduced to an impal-
pable powder under trafic. Every
means must be taken to prevent the
carriage Of dirt and litter ON to the
tranic mat. a. by providing frequent
~ cleaned approaches. The I'M
avoldable Accommodations Of dirt and
Hitter must be removed before each
storm. More oil should perhaps be
added from time to time during the
season to keep the bitumen percentage
high and the water shedding qualities
of the mat unimpaired. The expense
involved In these measures il obvious.
SO impractical. therefore, seem all
the present expedlents for preventing
this greasy mud that the trouble seems
like necessary wet weather evil Of
oiled macadam.
The Meeker herald., 1913-03-22

He came from the backwoods and
had never eaten oysters before. When
the waiter served him dozen steamed
On 4 plate be picked up the bottle Of
tabasco aauce and removed the stopper.
Then be drenched the oysters With the
derry nuid. There were q few seconds
Of painful suspense. Then the old man
rushed over to the wall. pulled down
the nrs extinGuisher and started to
eject the contents toward bis parchsd
throat
Hold on. therer' shouted the fright.
ened waiter Don't you ses that u
labeled For Fire Only r"
The old man mopped the tsardrops
from his eyes.
-waai. Eosh all hsmiock!- BE- sjaeu-
lated hoarseiy. Wasn't It ORE that I
swaliowsdr'-Judse's Library.
The Meeker herald., 1913-03-22

A preacher who was in the hnbit Of
taking his wife with him to his preach
ing appointments said on arrival ut
the chapel: My dear. you go In there.
You will be NIL right. must go round
to the vestry."
In the vestibule the wife was met BY
kind hearted steward who. after Civ.
ing her hearty welcome and hymn
book. conducted her to a comfortable
seat
AT the close Of the service the same
kind hearted steward gave her hearty
shake Of the hand. adding how pleased
he would be to see her Mt the services
each Sunday. Then. whispering. he
said. But. let me tell you. we don't
get duffer like this in the pulpit ev.
cry Sunday"
The Meeker herald., 1913-03-22
Their Welcome,

Gu the arrival Of the Duke and
Duchess OF Connaught in Khartum
three years ago It was thought By the
troops. says the Egyptian Gasetts, that
It would be right to decorate the place
as much az possible. Accordingly. with
minute Pains. . triumphal arch was
erected. to the great satisfaction Of all
concerned.
A picture Of the queen and the Prin:s
Of Wales graced the arch. but mo pic.
lures Of the duke and duchess were to
be obtained for love or money. Advice
was therefore sought from one Of the
English serReants. and be advised plac.
ing a notice between the two portraits
referred to bearing the Inscription,
LET EN- nil come
This was accordingly done. much to
the amusement Of ths duchess, who In.
sisted on taking snapshot Of the arch.
The Meeker herald., 1913-03-22

A man who had had the misfortune
to lose his nose was followed by an
Irish beggar woman. who kept exc.aim-
Ing. Heaven preserve your honor's
eyesight!'
IrrItnted by her importantly. the
man turned to her ut length and asked:
why do you wish my eyesight to be
preserved? Nothing ais my eyesight
or is likely to dor
"No. your honor" said the Irish
woman. but 1t will be a sad thing II
it does. for you will have nothing to
rest your spectacles upon!'
The Meeker herald., 1913-03-22
ATurksy with . Record.

An old English country woman. who
was famous for breeding fine tur-
keys. ssid one to neighbor named
Wells. The bird proved particularly
tough. and. Us Wells had paid n rather
stiff price for 1t. be went TO the vendor
IN state Of Indignation. What do
you mean by imposing such IL turkey
on income Of your Oldest neighbors?"
he inquired. why. was there any
thing wrong about it?" Wrong. mad
am. 1t wasn't fit to eat!'' "weII. 1t
ought to have been. for 1t won the
first prize at the county poultry show
for eleven years In succession" said
the dnmN.
The Meeker herald., 1913-03-22
An Enrassa oandsr.

A man who WINS caught In the act
Of skinnIng neighbours sheep covered
his embarrassment by declaring that
NO sheep could bite him and live. The
logic Of this In equaled BY that Of the
soldier WIN once had narrow escape
from an enrnged gander. The men Of
a certain Maine regiment. which was
In the enemy's country In 1862. con.
adhered the order mo fornging" an
additional and uncalled for hardship.
One afternoon about dusk soldier
was seen beating rapid retreat from
the rear of a farmhouse near by. close
~ pursued BY n gander with wings
outspread. whose feet seemed scarcely
to touch the ground and from whose
beak Issued succession of angry
scream. The fugitive was not reas-
aured by the cries Of the gander's
owner: Hold on. man. hold on: He
won't hurt your -Cali OF your gnn-
der! Call him or. shouted the fleeing
soldier. Neither man nor gander
stopped until inside the camp lines.
when the soldiers friends relieved him
Of his fierce pursuer with the aid Of
the butt Of musket. Ibid that gun
der think be could chnse me like that
and Hve.' the soldier exclaimed an ne
surveyed the outstretched bird. but he
said nothing Of the baited hook. with
cod line attached. which might have
thrown light on the unfortunate gan
der's strange actions.
The Meeker herald., 1913-03-22

Of my Old Kentucky Home" The
hostess was passing among her guests.
beamin9 at the success Of her enter
tainment and sure that everybody was
having good time when suddenly. to
her surprise. she came upon middle
aged man but slightly known to her
who was weeping silently but bitterly
In secluded corner. Thinking that
his heart bud been touched BY the old
song. she asked sympathetically:
why do you wesp7 Are you q Ken
tuckian!'
mo. madam" be replied. II am .
musician. woman's Home Compan-
ion.
The Meeker herald., 1913-03-22
a SIMPLE PROBLEM.
Ths section Boss EasiIy Got the resl
House In the Right spst.


About ten years before the Eastern
railroad was leased by the Boston and
Maine that portion Of the old road be-
tween Swampscott und Salem was In
charge Of Section Foreman Timothy
MOynahan.
His strongest point was In doing
lust AZ he was told and doing that
with energy and accuracy. 81 when
be WAS notified from Beverly by Road
master Stevens that the section lengths
were to Ike changed and that he was tn
move bis tool house from the westerly
end Of Salem yard to halfway between
mileposts IL and 10 he started out with
the determination to move the house
halfway. no more, no less.
To- get this halfway point lie sta
toned one of his men ut milepost ID
and another ut mllepost 10, and Mt
signal they started to walk toward
each other until they met. and to
point opposite their meeting place the
shanty was moved. This method Of
getting the correct distance did not
quite suit Moynahan. especially when
be remembered that one Of the walk
ers was taller than the other and the
other tripped several times on the way
down. :
He carried this In bis mind for near
ly year. when be met the engineers
measuring through for signals and
asked them to tell him as they meas
ured II his house was just halfway or
not
When the measurement was taken.
the house was found to be sixty feet
nearer milepost 10 than Is. and Moy-
nahan. on being told. remarked that he
thought he could Ok things Just right.
Later in the year the engineer met
Moynahan In Salem and asked him II
his tool house was now halfway be-
tween the mile posts.
at is" he replied. 'It's Just half
way"
"Did you have much trouble moving
itr'
mo trouble at all. Just let Il stay
A. 1t was and moved the milepost"
The Meeker herald., 1913-03-22

saw little girl approaching the river
With a bucket to fetch some water.
This WINS too much for the poor cap
tain. and leaning over the side and
shaking his fist In rage at the little
girl. he thus addressed her: III you
tax ne drap o water DOT here till get
afoat. Ill warm yer ear for't"-scot-
tish American.
The Meeker herald., 1913-03-22
A Nice pissinssien There.

A noted journalist and author. whose
name we cannot mention BECAUSE he il
on our paper. is constantly importuned
By n celebrated New York portrait
painter to sit for him.
I'D do 1t. too" the author told a
friend. ''only I'm not quite clear Just
when to tell George will. When he
has imbibed bit too much he wants
to paint my portrait. and when he
hasn't he wants me to come and have
my portrait painted" New York
World.
The Meeker herald., 1913-03-22

1t was School Superintendent Bus
ter's unfortunate day. A bucket had
been left standing In the dimly light.
ed corridor of No 10. and ON the way
to Miss Dexter's classroom he stumbled
over 1t. Fortunately none of the chill.
dren heard what he said there In the
dark. 10 the chief harm done was to
ILLS shin. He entered Miss Dexter's
class sadly ruffied in dignity and TEN.
per and slammed the door. Miss Dex-
ter WINS at the blackboard, with her
buck to the class.
IF that bad hammered little boy"
she commented. without turning. will
10 out Of the room again and come in
again. closing the door properly be-
hind him. shall overlook his lack of
breeding this time" Then she turned.
Miss Dexter was abject In her apollo
giles. but who can minister to wounded
dignity. especially Of the pedagogical
type? In vain effort to regain his
customary poise. Superintendent Bus
ter forced slckly smile aud addressed
himself to the class of small children.
Now. children" be began unctuous-
". rocking hack and forth on his heels
and with hands deep In pockets. Il
wonder whether you know who l amT'
For moment there was expectant
silence. then small hand was raised.
WELL" said the superintendent en-
couragingly. who am IT.
You're no gentleman" was the pitt
lessly logical reply. .'or you wouldn't
have your. hands in your pocketsr'-
Chicago Record Herald.
The Meeker herald., 1913-03-22
saved HImssM.

Soon after Speaker Champ Clark had
been married be left home cns morning
In q at Of mental abstraction and for
got to give bib wife the customary faFs-
well kiss.
ON the way down the walk ~ ~
membered and at once know he was In
trouble. Wondering Whist excuse be
could offer. be turned back to ths
hou.e. In nash Of inspiration b -
uislnU.red the data. Reaching the door.
to which Mrs. Clark came with rather
a grim smile. Champ hsld up one hand
and shouted:
april foolr'-w Warrington Star.
The Meeker herald., 1913-03-22
With a ssnss II hums-.

Authors with enough real sense Of
humor to tell good stories on them
selves are rare, but Luther Aunday.
journalist and world wanderer. has
that quality. in his volume Of mem
oirs. "A Chronicle Of Friendships" be
tells ON himself the following yarn:
-From time to time. after the man.
ner OF weakiings. I fancied myself q
little at writing sonnets. 0otwithstand-
ing the fact that had had one snub-
bing from Yates. the editor Of the
London World. Twenty years. have
passed.' said l. and may have Inn
proved SO I sent up to Sir James
Knowles this time my sonnet called
Why Do Liver His reply was, You
live. dear Munday. because you sent
your poem BY post and did not bring It
yourseif.'" l
The Meeker herald., 1913-03-22

OF Tennyson It is related in Nuts
and Chestnuts" that at club dinner he
insisted on putting his feet upon the
table before the guests hnd risen. ALI
efforts to make him behave" failed
until Erookfeld Told Brooks Of the
sonnet, whispered: do take your legs
down. Alfred. They're saying you're
Lonsfellow." Down went the legs.
The Meeker herald., 1913-03-22

When Rev. Anna Howard Shaw's
little grandniece Of eight confessed to
her mother that she could not be suf
fragette because the other children
made fun OF her. her wee sister Of six
fierceiy exclaimed. II wouldn't be a
coward: they've been making fun Of
Aunt Anna for hundreds Of years.
The Meeker herald., 1913-03-22

Coed reads will ersats . happier
condition Of the people and make
this an ideal country ts live In.
Fifty years sss ths-s was IN
excuse fer bad roads, for the
country was peer, but there 10
net nuch excuse now.
The roads will never be sesd -
long a. the work 10 left te the in.
dividuaI to work WREN and hsss
he plsasss.
We need more education Of
local authorities ~ 70 the appli.
cation Of local matsriais and -
proper methods o. read Weeh.
Every state should snaet uni. !
form road laws and prsvids fer Q
systsm Of state regulation - b
followed ~ LEGAL read s4sssials. .
The Meeker herald., 1913-03-22
Why 10 Wspl.

At a reception one night loud
voiced young man was invited TO sing.
Desultory applause followed, and he
responded with vociferous rendering
The Meeker herald., 1913-03-22
None to spare.

None TO spare.
In the days when the Clyde was
navigable to Giasgow for only very
small vessels. a steamer stuck In the
mud near Renfrew, and the skipper
was not sparing In strong language
While waiting for the rising tide he
The Meeker herald., 1913-03-22

Mobile county. Ala. Is preparing to
surface 100000 yards of road with
ebert: clay, gravel and oyster shells.
The Meeker herald., 1913-03-22

HIS HAT OFF AND HIS PIPE OUT OF an
MOUTH.
The Lexington intelligencer. [volume] (Lexington, Mo.) 1901-1949, 1913-09-05
Briscoe Convicted.

The trial of Harry Briscoe for
the murder of George Chinn on
the night of June 4th, was con
cluded Thursday about four o.
clock. The deliberations of the
jury continued until $50, when
am agreement was reached. Bris-
coe was found guilty Of murder
in the second degree, and his
punishment assessed as thirty
years in the penitentiary. This
verdict, no doubt, will meet with
the approval of the public in gen
eral. Briscoe has a bad record.
He was mixed-up in the assault
on Deputy Sheriff CIapp a few
years ago, and for this he es-
capped with a $4,000 fine.
The Lexington intelligencer. [volume] (Lexington, Mo.) 1901-1949, 1913-09-05
A Secret Marriage.

60, .a.
u. - I,'i'' %D,' '','.
- 60, mss i'0'o l0'0' VI '''-'
-, wv '".'' SUI ' W
~ ~ re' '''"' i"5e ~ 'l,, N'' y ~
'o''J" "S u 'a'
''.''"' - '"''' '''' no
'''''',' '''oll' 80
- vi" .'''' ~ ''''' - - '''" -
',''' ''' ,''' ''' N
" '''9' V' -'i "' '''
''''i,''' anu IL y, U'' ''''' '''N "
: 81" vi'e,' "o''i' w ,'l0'
,o,n '''' iI'eiiS' was oO'''l'" ~
l,'''' ~ -'i''' ''u '"' P'N' '''' ~
~ ''','' '"e
~ ! Vt g, - "'' - ''o
,Hs' oiiu was 7, io' NV" %V
~, a. L"P 'Io' l',,I i " nIn
!, m
WI '''0 l''''' NV
''!lo -' '''''i
''''''V' 'i-U '''' '' ,r.n -. r''7 ~
,I0S Vvi"s ''I'' y, - .l,'''l 80
D. " IL, ''o' '''''' n.,I.. . IL
,'''0 % '''
l'''' '''' w ''i'''' "
'J'" i''ul ~ ~ s''o'' 80, =,
,' ''o''e' "'' 'l''''o 80.
,''''i Dn'iU"l NM ."
I,,.e lou Ito''leu, ,r 5 Il'5 Nv " ,' Cn',,;. 70
'""9 Nv, " w. aa 'i''- -'i,''
The Lexington intelligencer. [volume] (Lexington, Mo.) 1901-1949, 1913-09-05
Goes to Carterville.

Prewitt Roberts has been elect
ed to the chair of mathematics i'm
the Carterville High School. He
will leave to take up his duties
about the 18th of this month.
Mr. Roberts has specialized in
mathematics and is in every othel
way amply equipped to get re-
suits in public school work. The
Carterville school board is for
tunate in securing his services
Mr.. Roberts took an active In
terest in all Of the student activi-
ties while in the State University
His work in athletics especially
gained him state wide reputa-
ton.
The Lexington intelligencer. [volume] (Lexington, Mo.) 1901-1949, 1913-09-05
Council Proceedings.

AT the meeting Of the city
council Monday night, the con
tract for paving the east end Of
South street, and Twentieth
street from Main to the Missouri
Pacific railroad station was a.
warded to the Columbia Paving
Company of Columbia, Mo-, at
- 10 per square yard on East
South street and $2.16 per square
yard on Twentieth street.
A petition for paving West
vaeue was received and filed.
Main street from Ninth to High
land avenue was received and
filed,
The trial Of Night Watchman
IEogers which was to come up IN
/ the council meeting Monday
night was continued. Further
charges were filed and the coun-
eli by vote of ) to 2 suspended
him for one week. Messrs
Slaughter and Owen voted
against suspension. Mr.. Wit
tenberg was absent. The case
when it comes to trial, no doubt
viii be an interesting one
Livery tax payer should attent
cad learn something of what i
S ing on in the council chamber
MI Rogers, in the minds o.
many, has made a very efficien
officer. The trial will revea
whether he is being prosecuted
and prosecuted.