The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1913-07-05
PILGRIM JOE.
Being a Pilgrim Has Its Drawbacks
and Sorrows.


can draw man back from the
yawning grave, but when my remedies
won't grow new leg to replace the
wooden one am called fraud.
1 can save the child dying of fever,
but because I can't substitute some
thing for his red hair mothers drive
me from the door as a faker.
L take tintype of man or woman
at half price, and in nine cases out
of ten am blamed that it looks home
ly and natural 1 save man or woman
from suicides grave when laboring
under dependency and hope returns
to them only to blame me for butting
in.
1 smile as 1 count my profits, but
I shed tears when 1 think of the in
justice of this world.
Besides lifting up the lowly, encour-
aging the sorrowing, selling my RENE
dies, taking tintypes and showing my
moving pictures as I travel about the
country, l also collect statistics for
the agricultural bureau at Washington
and keep tab on human nature as l
find it in various localities.
1t grieves me to say that in carrying
out this latter duty 1 have been forced
to the conclusion that human nature is
gradually but surely losing it's rever-
ence for sacred things. Not a week
goes past but what I find a dozen in
stances of it and it hurts me more than
1 can tell.
Two years ago 1 exhibited my NOV
ing pictures at the town of Jump Off,
which was founded as a future rival
of Chicago and had seven murders and
nine Opponents the first year. When
I showed the picture of General
Washington at Valley Forge-emaci-
ated, starved, discouraged and almost
ready to trade American independence
for a pumpkin pie-there was a
breathless silence in the audience for
a minute. and then sobs and tears
broke forth from every point of the
hall. Men who had not shed a tear
when their mother-in-law died now
broke down and had to be led from
the hall and in some cases, as I after
ward learned. did not take hand at
poker for the next two weeks I was
told of women that went home and
wept for three days and could not be |
comforted and of little children that
wanted to send their food to the starv- !
ing patriots.
Last week I got around to show my |
pictures in the same town again. |
There was still larger audience, and |
1 thought L observed an increased look |
of reverence on their faces. After col |
lecting my statistics as to the number !
of cucumbers per acre raised in that !
part of Iowa this year I mounted !
the platform and started the show |
with the same old pictures. 1t was |
Washington sitting in his log house at
Valley Forge. He was the most sor- !
rowful looking skeleton ever exhibited !
to the public outside of an anatomical I
museum. I expected great results,
and I got EN-. Instead of tears and !
silence and sobs the picture no soon
er appeared on the canvas than ir-
reverent voices called out:
Fat him upi''
Feed him pudding and milk!'
"Give him chop suey!"
"Hey. George, old boy, where's your
fried oysters?"
My grief and astonishment can
the audience in a reproachful way the /
audience continued to boot and guy, |
and I had to take the picture off. The
audience even hooted at me. I then |
arm in arm with Boston alderman
that had sold his vote for $4,000, and !
there was applause lasting seven min
uteS.
to the cross. had great hopes that
this would bring the audience back
into the straight and narrow path, but
was doomed to disappointment. She
darning stockings, and when 1 would
have expressed my surprise at such
sacrilege some one threw a turnip and
hit me on the jaw. i
From thence on 1 exhibited only l.
pictures showing that the wages of
sin are from four to ten dollars a
day, with board and washing and
theater tickets thrown in, and the
I could not close my eyes to the fact
that the drift of the times was toward
and that the travelling
agents of family Bibles must be liv-
ing on onions and sleeping in fence
corners.
Next day, while I was driving over
the highway from Jump Off to Stop
Here, 1 met a cavaIcade. My innocent
face, venerable whiskers and dignified
bearing insure me respect. In most
cases the cavalcade removes its hats
and bows low before me. In this case,
as q sign of the degeneracy of the
times, the cavalcade halted and the
leader asked me what I would take
for my whiskers. I had not yet re-
covered from my establishment when
another man dism Ounted and elm bed
gave tug at my whiskers to
see if they were false. Then they
;alled me old man and old boy and
Did boss, and one of them tried to spit
juice in my fighting dogs
Eyes. As 1 drove on it just did seem
% me that the end of the world was
1t hand. In imagination 1 could see
he destruction of Sodom and hear the
7ells of it's perishing inhabitants.
Having reached the town itself, I
that a spirit of levity
ind gayety pervaded the place, but
hought it might be owing to the fact
Denver trying to sell folding bath tubs
ind hair brushes. I opened my show
~ introducing Pilgrim Joe's Alterna-
i've, which is a we'll known remedy for
lrawing folks back from the grave. L
lad scarcely announced that the price
still remained 25 cents, notw1thstand-
ng the panic, when a crowd began to
loot In selling this Alternative 1
tell a little story. 1t is about
| fond mother whose Sunny-haired lit
lie boy gets in the way of a brick
house and is crushed to a pulp. The
mother sits grieving over the remains
md wailing out that there is no more
happiness for her on this earth, when
N angel comes flying down with a
,ottle of my justly celebrated remedy :