The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1913-08-01
On the Spur of the
Moment
By Roy K. Moulton
The Diary of n nonchend.


| 1t has always been Il wonder to me
that some kind angel does not come
along and hit q man in the head with
an axe before he does some certain
things, thus saving him lot of sur
| ferinG afterward.
declined the honor with great
hnality when the committee came and
asked me to be toastmastcr MT tho
| church banquet. but committees have
way about them that can hardly he
! denied. The members told me- col
iectively and Individually, that was
the only man in the entire city who
could do the job all up in pink baby
ribbon and deliver the goods They
said more nice things about me. right
to my face, than a Congressman can
say about himself in the Conversational
Directory. They spoke of my appear
ance. my prominence in the city and
my fine shape and my pleasant yet
forceful voice. Ten minutes before. ]
had not had any more idea Of becom :
ing POSTMASTER than I had of driv-
ing team OF goats through the main
business thoroughfarc of Bagdad on a
moonlight night with my hair In n
braid and pink parasol over my head.
but l fell Adam did. and Adam wos
one of my ancestors.
During the ten days which were
supposed to elapse between that time
and the banquet, L had no desire for
food of any kind, and became morose
and melancholy. / couldn't sleep more
IMAM TWO hours of a night and | lost
weight so fast that my physician shook
MS head and advised II sanntorium
where the rates are IS a day and up
ward. | had Il plain case OF buck
lever and longed to disappear and go
10 some foreign country and resume
business under an assumed name |
was IN blue funk md | wrote that
speech over nine times. When / read
II to my wife the last time. she said
1T sounded worse than when l had
read ii to her the first time She said
1t was about as humorous as Marc
Antony's funeral Grafton over the body
OF Caesar. she advised me TO copy
one out OF a book. and | did, sitting up
all night three nights for that pur-
pose. | got so ! could rattle ii off
with about as much feeling as Il wait
ress orders roast beef and brown gravy
or roast Fork and apple sauce in n
country hotel
found myself repeating snatches
of that speech at all hours of the day.
| tried II on every one In our Office
building. and the only one / got n
laugh from was the janitor's wife. and
she said shc laughed because l looked
SO funny when / was delivering the
piece.
.
and found me with Enclosed eyes 1t
was this morning, to be exact had
grated between chills and burning
fevcrs all night and my nervous sys-
TEN was as much of n wreck as n rail
road that has been juEGled on the stock
market for nineteen years
| crawled to my Office this morning
In a state of utter collapse had not
been so i'll In twenty years.
When the committee burst in upon
me at 10 o'clock | was ready to cali
the ambulance and deliver myself over
to the authorities at the insane hos
ptal.
We are very sorry said the COM
nittee, but the banquet has been post
poncd indefinitely. The advance sale
Of tickets was small that we have
abandoned the scheme entirely Some
other time. perhaps, but not now"
] huGged those three men tab
bered like an insane chimpanzee and
l stopped over with exceeding great
JOY. The committee looked at mo
askancc and departed suddenly To-
night leave for the sanatorium Any
body who comes TO talk banquet with
me in the future would better bring
a shotgun or he will play the star part
in heinous crime of which 1 will DO
the pcrpetrator.