The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1913-08-15
The Diary OF n Bonchend.

While the guardian angel Of our
household was taking vacation on
high Olympus and leaving us to our
own resources one day. my wife began
making canoe pillows After she had
made eighteen canoe pillows of various
patterns. IL suddenly occurred to her
that we had no canoe.
have never had any particular re-
spcct FOR any man who held dyna-
mite cracker in his teeth or who went
out In canoe and an ambition TO own
ono of the birch bark contraptions
which can dance the tango on per-
fectly' quiet body Of water had never
come to me. Having the pillows all
made. my wife insisted on the canoe.
and ] went to one of our leading ca
noeists and bought one. picked out
docile-looking canoe one that looked
as though ii could be driven with per-
rect safety by women and children
and would eat out of the hand. 1t
was one of the gentlest looking canoes
had ever seen, but canoe is like n
mule. One must never go on appear
ance. I once knew mule with tho
plcasantest face | had ever seen on
a mule. but it could kick a hired man
through the side of barn quicker
than an Alabama Congressman can
vote against a pension bill
That canoe developed more artistic
temperament TO the square inch when
| got out into the water than any
of oscar Hammcrsteins prima donnas
ever had in her whole frame
That canoe actually smiled ut me
and almost rubbed against me and
purrcd while 1 was showing It into the
water. but once upon the bosom OF
the placid lake with me astride OF its
wishbone with n paddle In my hand.
it did more tricks than n monkey can
do with n cocoanut.
had padded seven strokes toward
the lighthouse when the canoe took
n in h u Il
and made back for the shore. When
we arrived at the shore from which
we had only recently started, I got
on the beach and turned the canoe
around. kindly but firmly and started
10 paddle again, in the direction Of
the lighthouse. had just tahen the
fifteenth stroke when something hap
pened which | will never he able to
explain. Without Il sign of warning.
the canoe turned bottom UP. with me
underneath. Then began a Gotch-
Underestimate bout for the supremacy
OF the sea. l was on top half the time
and the canoe was on top the other
half First ] got a half-Nelson on the
canoe, and then "A hammerlock and
finally l tried toe hold, but couldn't
keep that canoe under me more than
half second at n time.
/ tried TO think OF all tho wrestling
tricks had learned in the high school
gymnasium twenty years before, but
the canoe knew more tricks than I did
and better ones. I tried 10 grab il
around the neck and strangle 1t.
got my knee in its chest and tried to
crush its ribs. The canoe slipped out
of five toe holds in three minutes
coaXcd and / coaXcd and | threatened
but the canoe would not be bribed.
cajoled or intimidated. 1t threw mo
three times every time threw il once,
and meantime we were drifting out far
past the life lines
At last, after the canoe had pinned
me down on my back for what seemed
like fifteen minutes, a schoolboy came
along in rowboat and pried II off
from my almost lifeless form and took
me ashore.
That was yesterday. To-day the life
insurance company cancelled my pol
icy. Tonight trusty henchman is
going TO seek out that canoe and for
$40 In cash reduce 1t to ashes. The
pillows Will go in the church box for
the heather of Madagascar.