davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington herald., 1913-12-07
kET YELL, Mr.. Poet" said the
w Idiot as his literary

kkv YELL, Mr.. Poet" said the
w idiot, as his literary
friend seated himself at
the breakfast table and began a vigor-
Gus attack on che waffle reserve, how
goes the noble profession of poetry
these days? Proftably, / hope?"
"Oh, fairly good-fairly good" said
the Poet. 81 manage to keep my head
above water"
That's going some," said the Idiot
ITS more than the average stock
holder in our railways is able to do.
The water in American railways has
risen so high that pretty nearly every
body is Swamped. It's nice to hear of
one industry, anyhow, in which a fel
low can keep his head clear, even if
he hasn't any place to put his feet. /
hope things are so prosperous with
you that you'll qualify for the income
tax. That's at present my chief am
bition. ! want to get about dollar,
or maybe two, above that three-thou-
sand-dollar exemption just for the
pleasure OF feeling that I'm contrib
uting something to the support of my
government. OF course, with expen-
The Washington herald., 1913-12-07

limbo for fifteen years we could put
out the following:
Now prithee. governor, do lend an ear
And listen here
Once on a mothers knee, her life, her tov.
sat and reveled, Just a baby boy.
When you're q man" thus ran her
lullaby
Look ever upward with your bonny eye.
And seize what lies abovei'' So I began.
Dear sir. to be q second-story man,
For as ] upward looked. obedient TO her
command,
Away from dross and sand.
All thoughtless of aught resembling
crime
Began to climb; ..
First slipped, then fell. and then, un-
happy clod.
landed here in quodi
You had a mother once. and on that tie
base this poor appeal for clemency.
why, there isn't a governor in the
whole country that could resist such
an appeal as that, and the chances are
that he'd not only pardon the man, but
would be so stirred that he would give
the petitioner fresh start in the pub
lie service, say as chairman of a graft
investigation committee, or as superin-
tendent of public highways, or some
other humble job where he could live
down his past"
"And where would the poet come
in?" demanded the Doctor.
He'd get his ten per cent on all fu-
ture business of the beneficiary" said
The Washington herald., 1913-12-07
Copyright, 1879
The Poet scratched his head.

The Poet scratched his head.
Il don't seem to get it," he said.
I've no doubt it's a good scheme. II
sounds terribly big, but just what will
the company do?"
why" said the Idiot, perhaps you
have noticed that OF late years a great
many hard-hearted governors and
judges have been moved to pardon
inmates OF penitentiaries and prisoners
up for sentence because their petitions
for mercy were presented in poetic
form. Only the other day, up near
Hohokus, a poor chap, with a SEN
tence of two years in the pen for beat
ing his mother-in-law staring him IN
the face, was let go on probation by
the court because, when the judge
asked him if he had anything to say
before sentence was passed upon him,
he rose up and read off these lines,
which he had scribbled on the back of
a greasy old envelope
Your honor. would say that I'm
Quite guiltless OF this horrid crime,
As nobody can well ignore
Who's ever seen my mother-in-law.
So perfect is the lady that
'Tis plain as in your honor's hat
A lovlier dame you'n never meet,
And so of course she can't be beat
10 l.. ,NaNv 20 nnA
I can't have did what can't be done,
"And the judge let him go?' cried
the Doctor.
Sure, he did," said the Idiot.
The Washington herald., 1913-12-07

ditures running up to over a billion
per annum my little four cents won't
90 very far, and as far as l can find
out it is going to cost the government
a dollar-ninety-nine to collect it, but
alice samee it will give me a lot Of
satisfaction to find myself on the list
of profitable citizens"
q am very much afraid" smiled the
Poet, that it will be a long time be-
fore l shall be able to qualify on the
income-tax proposition. Poetry, while
not a drug on the market exactly, is
never over-proftable. In good weeks
may land fifty dollars worth of edi-
tors, but sometimes when the Muse
works trifie stiff I'm in luck to fin
ish up fifteen to the good. Even at
the best I'll never get to the point
where the income tax collector will
bother me"
"Oh, you never can tell" said the
Idiot. who knows but that some
day some billionaire, after reading one
of your sonnets, will offer you twenty
thousand dollars a year to stop writ
ing altogether for the general good Of
literature? There are rich men in the
world even now who have the welfare
of literature at heart, and very often
they work in mysterious ways their
wonders to perform. They have
started all sorts of foundations for the
PRONUNCIATION of this, and the propaga-
ton of that, and it wouldn't surprise
me at any time to hear that Mr.. Rock
ernegie, for example, had founded
Society for the Prevention of Cruelty
to Poetry. What a grand scheme it
would be, for instance, to read in the
morning paper some day that one
'Pennywell Fluffhead was arrested yes
terday morning and fined four dollars
on complaint of the Society for the
Prevention of Cruelty to Poetry for
having attempted to drive a manned
and halt sonnet, suffering from swollen
feet, and general ansemia of the
caesural paws, into the office of the
Hyperion Magazine How we would
thrill to read that James Watson
Squilldinger, the Marathon rondeau
runner, was hailed before Judge Jimp-
son yesterday afternoon, and in de-
The Washington herald., 1913-12-07

the garage not creature was stirring,
not cen the fromage, and things like
that, eh?'
Not a bit of it." said the Poet.
I'VE turn out our Christmas poetry in
July and August, as a rule. just now
l am doing the
Bees are humming,
Birds are cumming,
Spring is on the way
stunt, and in a couple of weeks l shall
start in on what l call the June-bug
period, writing things like
o listen to the June-bug as he chortIes
His tummy full Of cherries and his larynx
full Of glee.
He sets the rafters ringing with his
merry little song.
AS he butts the torpid ceiling all the June
Day
Long!
DO you-er-get paid for that sort
of thing?" interjected the Bibliomaniac.
"Of course l do" said the Poet. "If
I didn't l wouldn't write that sort of
thing. l was figuring it up the other
day and ! found that in the ten years
that have been writing poetry 1 have
made not less than eighteen hundred
dollars out of the June-bug alone.
You see, Mr.. Bib, every month and
season has its peg on which to hang
a poetic inspiration. In January, for
instance, the main theme for poets is
the Fragility, of the New Years Reso-
luton. In February two subjects are
invariable winners-St. Valentine and
Slush.'
YES" said the idiot. I've noticed
that, and an interesting thing about it
is that half the time you can't tell
which is the Valentine and which is
the Slush-they seem to be inter-
changeable"
Then in March," continued the
Poet, with a cold glance at the Idiot.
Eve tackle St. Patricl5s Day and the
Coming of Spring. April's subjects
are Flowers. Showers, Bowers, and
April Fools. For May our chief
sources of inspiration are May Queens
with colds in their heads, and winter
fannels-any active poet can make
fifty dollars a week out of winter
fannels, and fifty more with his eyes
shut on the perils of moving from one
fiat to another. And so it goes all
through the year"
Pegasus runs along on schedule
time from one years end to the other,
suppose" said the idiot.
Exactly" said the Poet. HE has
become a well-trained family nag,
The Washington herald., 1913-12-07

fault of FIVE hundred dollars bail was
committed to the county jail for prac-
ticing without a poets license, having
been previously indicted by the grand
jury at the instance of the Society for
Poetic Uplift.' 1 tell you, old man,
when those societies get going real
poets like yourself will come up smil-
ing, eh? What?'
Maybe" said the Poet But mean
while we have to come up rhyming in
order to pay our bills"
q suppose you are turning out
now," said the idiot. Twas the
night before Christmas, and through
The Washington herald., 1913-12-07
POETRY
IS GOOD BUSINESS

Peapods of Yesterday might conceiv-
ably get thousands of dollars for the
mere preparation of a soul-stirring
limerick on behalf of some ex-fnan-
cier now doing time In a Federal Jail,
which should move the President to
pardon him"
'Humph," said Mr.. Brief, Il guess
It would take more than limerick to
move our present President to open
even a bottle of grape juice, much less
a jail"
well, there are still our State Gov
ernors," said the Idiot. They have
actually proved that they are suseep-
tible to song, and We could work the
State field even if the national proved
Improbable
The Washington herald., 1913-12-07

I'D have added twelve years to his
sentence for that" growled the Biblio-
maniac.
Possibly" said the Idiot. But, you
see, you're not a judge, Mr.. Bib. Now
my scheme is to take advantage of the
possibilities involved in this new in
strument of mercy. 1t seems to work
every time. There have been a dozen
cases in the past three years where
men actually doing time in the state
prison have been let off because they
wrote poetry, which being the case,
some really live poet who recognizes
his opportunity and takes advantage
of it will make a pile of cash in no
time"
'T must confess" said the Poet,
that l am still obtuse. What good is
it going to do me? Pm not going to
jail that / know Of"
Let US hope not" said the idiot,
fervently. Whatever We may deserve
let US hope that we retain our free
dom. But the plan, Mr.. Poet, is SIM
ple-let US start a nice little corpora
ton of our own to provide poetry for
wealthy malefactors now languishing
in jail who are incapable of writing it
themselves. A true poet who, under
present market conditions, can hardly
hope to land more than $3.50 for a
Sonnet on WHITTIER or a rollicIing
ballad entitled o Where Are the
The Washington herald., 1913-12-07

the Idiot. That would come to some
thing tidy if the beneficiary got job
as superintendent of public highways.
OF course, IN writing these appeals
well have to be careful about the per-
sonal peculiarities of the governors.
1t would not do to assume that
governor of Maryland, for instance,
could be moved by the same sort OF
an appeal that would sweep a COVER
nor of Maine off his feet As an ex-
ample, suppose a man were shut up in
the Maryland penitentiary for hitting
his wife on the nose with tackhan-
mer, and was willing to pay US FIVE
thousand dollars to get him out. We
couldn't hope to move the governor
by telling him how the prohibition laws
had driven the petitioner to crime,
but if we were to paint picture or
prison life like this, for instsnce-ah.
how different would be the results:
,, And here I languish. sir. deep in the
No terrapin is mine, no luscious rudy
duck,
With julep sweet wherewith to wash it
down,
Its tender flesh blood red. its coat crisp
brown;
But simply beans and bread, and bread.
again. and beans,
In buckets, cups, and saucers and tu-
reens-
whichever way turn my head.
And think on what I am and ever must
be fed,
As far as eye can see
'Tis an eternity
OF beans and bread. Of potted beans-and
bread!
There's no use talking about il"
said the Idiot, wiping a tear from his
eye, no governor in the land of mint
and lucious game birds could with
stand such an appeal as that and the
poet who gets busy emptying the jails
of this land with soul-stirring stuff
like that will find a fortune awaiting
him beyond the widest dreams of
avarice."
well, I'll think it over" said the
Poet al shall be pretty busy up to
Christmas time laying out a lot of
Fourth of July poetry I've contracted
to write, but after that if you have
any friends in jail anywhere let me
know, and I'll see what / can do to
help EN- out"
Finer said the idiot. Il haven't
any friends in jail anywhere just at
present, but after the first of January
I'm expecting a pretty full line of EN-
When the income tax returns are in i
expect to see a considerable boom in
the perjury business, and there's no
telling just where or whom It viii
strike. may need your assistance
myself If / find my tax running above
dollar thirty-nine."
The Washington herald., 1913-12-07

Il don't suppose you happen to have
any samples with you," grinned the
Poet Little object lessons to show
how the thing would work, eh?"
NO" said the idiot, but offhand,
let US suppose that Silas Jimpson
Jinks, formerly of the money trust,
finds himself in a State prison some
where serving a ten-year term for
having lent himself a million dollars
of the banks money without telling
the cashier or the directors anything
about it. He seeks a pardon, but
without avail The Governor is hard
hearted, and every resource has failed.
Then somebody tells Jinks about the
poetry plan, but he couldn't write a
line of poetry to save himself from the
electric chair, much less get him out
of limbo. One bright morning he re-
ceives our circular, and hope springs
up out of the darkness. He sends US
retaining fee of $1,000, and within
forty-eight hours he receives back
from US the following lines, which he
copies, and forwards to the Cover
nor
suffer far too greatly for my crime!
I'm but q sorry victim Of my time
AL other men did much the same as
In days gone by.
For crime I vow have no slightest pas
sion,
And only stole because 1t was the fashion.
Wherefore. o governor. I pray that ye
VIII set me free.
And send me back once more to wife and
child
With whom I dwelt In peace when for
tune smiled.
The governor reads this, weeps, and
sends a night letter to the warden
telling him to let old Jinks 60. Now
these lines, on the regular ten-cents-a-
line basis of poetic retribution now in
vogue in the publishing world, would
enrich the poet to the tune of only
one paltry dollar; but under the con-
ulIlOuS BOFCIHnS Oul PSAilSAaoA HoA
ket should be worth not less than ten
per cent of the net profits of the of
tenders misdeeds, so that, in this
case, if after paying all the expenses
of his trial Jinks netted half mil
lion out of the original million he
pocketed, our share would come to
fifty thousand dollars. That's some
pay for poem like that"
"The only trouble with that" said
the Doctor, would be that the field is
so very limited. You don't find many
bankers in jail. Now if you could
work the thing so as to cover the
needs of the second-story man, there
might be something in it"
very well,' said the idiot. That's
easy. For a second-story man put in
The Washington herald., 1913-12-07

Company to Produce tWould Be Paying Concern, the
Idiot Tells His Friend, the Real Poet, as He Makes
Vicious Attack Upon the Waffle Reservoirs
Appealfrom Prison to Pardoning Power; a Properly
Balanced Stanza or Two Would Bring Tears and
the Desired Result--For Retaining Fee of $1,000
Idiot Promises Effective VerSification on Short
Notice; Field Is Unlimited, He Tells the Doctor,
in Answer to an Objection.
The Cairo bulletin., 1913-10-18
ASSIGNEE'S NOTICE.

In the matter OF assignment OF
Fred d. Shields for benefit of
creditors.
Public notice is hereby given that
the undersigned has been appointed
Assignee in trust for benefit of
creditors of Fred d. Shields, Mer-
chant, of Cairo, Illinois, and all
persons holding any claim or claims
against said Fred D. Shields are
hereby notified to present the same
to the undersigned under oath or
affirmation within three months
from this date whether said claims
are due or not.
All persons indebted to said Fred
D. Shields are requested to make
prompt payment Of the same to the
undersigned.
Dated Cairo, Illinois, September
goth, 1913.
FIRST BANK AND TRUST
COMPANY, CAIRO, ILL
NoIS,
Assignee OF Fred d. Shields,
BY II. r. Aisthorpe, Secretary.
The Cairo bulletin., 1913-10-18
FIVE MINUTE CURE
IF STOMACH IS BAD
When "Pape's Diapepsin" reaches
stomach all Indigestion, Gas
and Soumess disappears.

You don't want slow remedy
/ when your stomach is bad-or an
uncertain oneor Il harmful one
your stomach is too valuable; YOU
mustn't injure it with drastic
drugs.
Pape's piapepsin IS noted for its
speed in giving relief; its harmless
aess, its certain INSTALLING action in
regulating sick sour. gassy stom-
achs. Its millions OF cures in indi-
geston, dyspepsia, gastrits and
other stomach trouble has made it
, famous the world over.
Keep this perfect stomach doctor
in your home keep it handy--get
a large fifty-cent case from any drug
store and then if anyone should eat
something which doesn't agree with
them; if what they eat lays like
lead, ferments and sours and forms
{ gas; causes headache, dizziness and
nausea: quotations Of acid and un-
/ digested food remember as soon as
, Papo's Diapepsn comes in contact
! with the the stomach all such dis
tress yanishes Its promptness, GER
tainty and ease in overcoming the
worst stomach disorders is a reyela-
tion to those who try it.
The Cairo bulletin., 1913-10-18
ILLFVOlS,CENl'KAI
Corrected to Oct. /, 1873.

Corrected to Oct. /, 1878.
Trains Leave Cairo
1910 a. m. Daily Chicago yesti-
Thule limited, arriving Chicago
t0:15 u. m.
.2:15 a. m Daily St Louis Night
It'd, arriving st. Louis 1920 a. m.
Sleeping cars open at $50 p. m.
400 a ~, Thebes Accommodation.
1850 a. m. Chicago Daily Express.
$40 a. m. Memphis, New Orleans
and Hot Springs.
1885 a. M. Seminole Limited for
Birmingham & Jacksonville, Fla.
s 90 a. m. Paducah and Louisville
Express.
1851 p. m. Daily Memphis and New
Orleans.
1851 p. m. Daily Nashville, Chatta-
nooga and Atlanta.
lI:10 p. m. Fulton and Mayfleld ac-
commodation
$40 D. m, Paducah and Louisville
Sleeper, Cairo to Louisville
5;4s p. m. Memphis and New Or
leans Special
HIS a. m. st. Louis Fast Mail
I11;15 a. m. Chicago Midday Special
2:45 p, m. Afternoon Express for
st. Louis and Centralia.
l5:15 D. m. Chicago Night Express
Sleeping car from Carbonate TO
| Chicago.
1905 p. "a Chicago Night Express,
arriving at Chicago : so a. N.
Local sleeper at station Berths
can be occupied after sac Y. m.
2:20 8. m Memphis and Nashville.
For through tickets, sleeping car
accommodations and further infor-
nation apply at Illinois Central Pas
/ senger Station. or address
], H. JONES. Ticket Agt
Cairo, H.
The Cairo bulletin., 1913-10-18
ANNA


G. S. McCammon, of Paducah,
visited his brothers-in-law r. l., and
John Wills this week
The Anna high school football
team will go to Marion to play the
Marion High today.
DR.. r. A. Goodner, superintendent
of the Anna state hospital attended
a meeting of the State Charities
Conference at Rockford, H., this
week.
w. w. Thomas attended the Ma,
sonic Grand lodge in Chicago this
week.
On October 23 and "a the mi
nois state Hospital Medical associa
ton will meet at the Anna STATE
hospital. The medical profession o
Union county has been invited anC
besides the members of the associa
ton there will be superintendent
from other hospitals present. Hon
A. l.. Brown. secretary of the Stat
Charities Commission will also b,
present.
j. c. Marlborough and Alvin
Mecnes have purchased the Mail
street meat market from Messamor'
e Ballard and will continue to rul
the shop.
J. d. Jones and daughter Mis-
Ida axe the guests of Mr.. and Mrs
Ed Ward this week.
The Cairo bulletin., 1913-10-18
OLIVER
TJpe8ri4Ef

The Standard Visible Writer
Is a salary-raiser, an income
producer. an aid to personal eff
ficency.
Oliver Typewriters are earn
Ing millions of dollars for their
operators and owners.
They are helping hosts OF am
bilious young people to achieve
successful business careers.
They are helping the small
business to grow big and the
big business to grow bigger
They are trade-builders az
well as revenue-producers and
neutrality-suspicious..
The newest and best model
Oliver Typewriter is sold on
this popular plan. There is
no extra charge for the
famous PRINTYPE OLIVER
--~the only typewriter that
prints print. printype Is con-
reeded to be the greatest type
writer improvement OF the
century
More than $1,000 Local
Agents in the United States
and Canada are making money
selling oliver Typswriters.
This is proof positive Of oliver
merit and Oliver popularity,
Write for particulars of the
l7-Cents-a-Day Plan. Ask for
Specimen Of Printype,
HE Oliver Typewriter Go.
812 Pine Street.
st. Louis, No. t23D
The Cairo bulletin., 1913-10-18
FREE EXCURSION

including hotel and automobile ex-
penses for purchasers of Mobile &
Ohio r. r. lands or certain de-
veloped farms in Mississippi. Rail-
road lands good for diversified farm
ing, only Sc per acre. Two 2S0
acre improved farms near Meridian,
Miss, s2,50O each, 1-3 cash, bal
ance long time Good houses,
stables and sheds, sandy loan clay
sub-sofl, every acre can be culti-
waited. If you want option on the
two farms telegraph as won't last
long at price. Address Agent Ala
bama Land and Development Co,
Halliday Hotel, Cairo, Ill 1917 81
The Cairo bulletin., 1913-10-18
100000 ACRES OPENED
TO SETTLERS

North Platte, Neb, Oct. 17.-Ac-
cording to an arrangement recently
made by Secretary of Interior Jones
with President Wilson, entries are
being made for parcels of Gao acres
of land in the Nebraska national
forest reserve. comprising 800, 200
acres. Drawing will not be held un-
til October 20. Registrations are
also taking place at Broken Bow
and Valentine, Neb, today
The Cairo bulletin., 1913-10-18
WAINEB0RO, Hiss.

l. he center Ct the finest agricul-
rure district in the South Excep-
tional values in developed ana UNI
developed farms, Good soil, pure
water and the best climate in
America. Address Cook Realty Co.
Waynesboro, Miss, or Agent Ala
bama Land and Development Co,
Halliday Hotel, Cairo. III, 10-lS-3t
The Cairo bulletin., 1913-10-18
NEW PRESIDENT
FOR WELLS COLLEGE

Aurora, N, " Oct. 17--Dr. Kerr
Duncan Macmillan was formally in
augurated president of Wells Col
lege today. EX-President Patton
took part in the ceremonies. which
were witnessed by a number OF
prominent educators from various
parts of the country. President
Macmillan is a graduate OF Toronto
University, Canada. and has been
for thirteen years a member Of
Princeton Theological Seminary.
The Cairo bulletin., 1913-10-18

A striking illustration of the say
ng that the pith Of lady's letter is
in the postscript occurred in the case
Of young lady who, having gone
out to India, and writing home to her
friends. concluded with the following
words: "PS--You will see by my
signature that am married"
The Cairo bulletin., 1913-10-18
CHICAGO FUTURES.
Wheat
Corn

Grinpell, Iowa. wired, "Hayc had
plenty OF rain. Most of the fall
blowing done. Corn is a great deal
poore than expected; will not aver
age much more than half CROP.
Winter Wheat and Rye getting quite
= start. Hog cholera still raging"
The Cairo bulletin., 1913-10-18
WHY NOT
TRY THE
17c-A-DAY
PLAN?

The beauty of The Oliver
Typewriter II Cents-a Day
Plan is that VI works ont salts
faetorily for everybody con-
cerned.
This plan ties up "a very
large sum of the company's
money in typewriters sold on
time.
But we have an abundance OF
capital We are glad to use
our resources to bring this
great business aid within easy
reach OF all who have use for
typewriters
The Cairo bulletin., 1913-10-18
ADVERTISEMENT.

TEN cents at once for our New IL
lustrated Coin Value Book, 4x7 1t
may mean YOUR fortune. Clarke a.
Co., Coin Dealers. Box las. lie Roy,
N. Y.-Adyt &c l yr
The Cairo bulletin., 1913-10-18
Malaria Or ChiIIs G Fever

Prescription No. CSC IS prepared especially
io' MALARIA o. CHiLLS & FEVER.
Five or six doses will break any case, and
# taken then as tonic the Fever will not
return. II acts on the liver better than
Calomel and does not gfipe or sieken. 25c
The Cairo bulletin., 1913-10-18
Become a Telegraph Onerator.

Become a Telegraph Operator.
Good pay, short hours and easy
work. We teach Biography and
Nsilwav Station Accounting, and
VIII assist in getting positions far
School or TeleGraphy, Gtll Madison
Ave, Chicago, H. l0-2 got
The Cairo bulletin., 1913-10-18

The Government crop report fer
November will be issued Monday
Nov. 10, at 1915 p. m, Chicago time.
Its chief feature will be the yield per
acre and primary estimates of tht
total Corn crop, the farm reserves
of old Corn aud the average weight
of small Grains per measured bushel.
The Cairo bulletin., 1913-10-18

For carpentering ana general re-
pair work call j. III. ROGERS. Bell
phone ylS. Residence 500 Twenty
third street. 8-20-tf.