The Washington times., 1913-10-17
WHY MY HOBBY
ISN'T A HORSE
By AL J0LSON,
Principal Comedian of "The Honey.
moon Express" at the Belasco
Theater.

Theater.
Since the days of Adam, the world 8
greatest gardener. It has been decreed
that every man should have a hobby,
even as every woman should have a
hubby. The Hobby of Solomon and
Brigham Young was wives, but now
edays that rare species of genus
womanus, the married suffragette,
makes a hobby of her hubby.
But not being a race-track guy, or
the owner of a merry-go-round, 1 can't
make my hobby, horses. 1 am a mo-
torist, a gasolene fiend. In fact. the
high cost of gasoline made me take to
acting in order that I might continue
to run about in my runabout.
Well, what do you think suggested
acting as a means of buying shoes TO-
the auto? It's a secret because Fve
never told anybody but my wife. How.
ever, as the thunderstorm said to Ole
Ben Franklin, '1'n enlighten you, IL
you can stand the shock" 1t was this
way l was chugging up Fifth avenue
one bright day some years ago, penni-
less and hungry, not knowing where
my next drop of gasoline was coming
SOooci4iy' Iuol dS "de iOdLA-
Ing the corner in my modest little one
lung car, one of those big, burly Fifth
avenue busses bore down upon me,
merciIessIy. I was hit right between
the tonneau and the carburetor. And
from that moment i can truthfully say
that / have been stage-struck.
Ever since then / have motored un-
til l am black in the face. l have
81 Iirited little 120-horsepower buzve-
hicle, ard since the mayor kindly
cleared Broadway for us motorers at
j o'clock I can get an early start and
burn UP the asphalt at one-horse per
mile.
I'm from Texas. Now. you know Il
don't want to brag about my past life,
abCu ut my boyhood training. any
thing like that you understand, but
I will say that my ability as an auto
steerer is due to that alone-my
bCyhcod training. Father get me a
job as brakeman on a freight car at
the tender age of ten, and 1 learned
how to handle the wheel most fluent
ly. Father was a firm believer in the
old song, Train up a child in the
way he should go. and when he is an
old guy he will not depart from it."
So 1 was trained by freight
Then after I had been working on
tie railroad all the livelong day,
would come home and work around
town as the village grasscutter So,
you see. between the lawnmower and
the freight car brake an auto was
never steered by more intimate hands
than mine.
The main difference now is that in
stead of moving grass I NOW down
chickens q mean regular egg chick
ens), and other animalia that are
won't to clog the country lanes. II
always have cowcatcher on the
prov of my machine. so that any de-
Eneuents we meet may not be ground
'nHath the wheels of progress
" you're an auto lobbyist it's n |
circh you're not indefatigabIe I'll
nave to translate that. / mean to say
that In this respect yoTre like the car,
always tired. It's hard to discuss the
tire question-iust like arguing in a |
circle. Some tires are like Kolenaien,
the Finn athlete-best in the long run.
Then others are like the >Pittsbureh
baseball team-best In the short stop.
Personally. Tn looking for a tire like
the electric light-the kind that don't
blow out
Urtil had the self-starter put on. |
my car was very cranky. It used 10 |
be so bad sometimes that I lad to hire |
n movinG-picture operator to turn the |
handle. Even he would play out after |
about thousand turns. II il hadn't |
been for the coming of the self-starter |
would have had 20 get a ferryboat |
G-ckhand.
Every j exercise by running I
about ten miles before breakfast-in the |
car. By that time my poor old tires |
are winded and ] stop at the old town !
pump for some fresh air. That's where |
the exercise berins-the exercise that |
puts duu.b-beIls to shame. It's so hard !
or ones constitution TO have tubercu- |
lar tires. I'll just nave to get some of |
that rev serum for :hem. ! can see |
that.
An auto needs a doctor every DAY. |
in rnr
magnetic meningitis. or Cirrhosis of !
the cylinder, or poor circulation oc the |
radiator. or the spring leak. or |
wheezy exhaust. or / tonneau what all.
Anyhow he who is addicted to autone-
bling is the king of outdoor sports.
because he can always have n queen
sitting beside him. To say nothing of
three or four ladies in waiting behind
the throng in the rear seat. Pick up two
and carry five is the system. Cars
brilt for five will always hold seven.
Why not be accommodating even II you
have to sell standing room.
-. only thing ] hate about il Is when
10y ride ends In a gloom walk Forty
five miles mot minUtes) from Broadway
in a balky auto is a consummation
devoutly to be dished, or ditched. II il |
happens that way.
One Of the most enjoyable features We
rnotor-buEs enjoy is racing with the
motorcycle GODS You know these
nests are as persistent as mosquitoes:
but now that we have bullet-nroof tires
t"ey can't take unfair advantage of us
J never saw a bike-cop vet that didn't
waTt 70 het you ten dollars he could
heat ls. Then as soon as We took him
I'm he'd start 70 shoot
There are over million autos IN these
nitod St"tcs That r7ea-F. -cI Erow
ore ont of every ninety houses is mort
;-H''e6, Put arc We dognhe rted? Not
as long as we keep up our interest