The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1913-12-14
Distinguished Guests
Themselves Enjoy Be-
ing Targets for Hits.
RUN THIS COUNTRY
ON MEXICAN PLAN
Prospective Candidates for Presi-
dency Discouraged at Troubles
Shown in Opening Skit.
Best Way to Dispose of
Undesirable Statesmen
Is Revealed.

Washington. December 13-How the
United States would be governed un-
der MeSicanized administration;
now the nppetites of hungry office
seeker should be appeased: the secret
| OF the perennial domination Of Tam
| many, and the best way to dispose of
undesirable statesmen. were some of
the questions which the Gridiron Club
undertook to answer in humorous vein
before goodly company Of distin-
euished guests tonight at It's annual
December dinner.
Few of the company escaped the
shafts of wit. President Wilson who
was unable to attend on account of
sickness. Vice President Marshall, Sec
rotary Bryan and leaders in Senate
and House came In for a share on the
gridiron, but IL was evident that no
one enjoyed the grilling more than
the victims themselves.
Prospective candidates for presiden-
tial nomination surely must have been
discouraged at the troubles and UNI
certainties ahead of them, when the
American government is conducted on
the Mexican plan, as disclosed In the
opening skit. An extra edition of an
evening newspaper announced: Grave
Crisis in American Affairs-U. S. Next
cantzed-old Order Superseded-Dicta-
tor Takes Reins OF Government"
Whereupon appeared in the dining hall
an army clad in ragged but gaudy uni
forms. headed by Bryanna Bryana, fol-
, lowed closely by one Tumulto. with
the announced purpose of giving an
exemplification of Mexican methods as
applied to American affairs.
EKcmplication of Methods.
Bryanna Bryana-"Viva Mexico!"
Tumulto-"Whats the Irish of It?
I can't talk Spanish
| B. B---"Well, you and your chief
| have been walking Spanish for some
time. According to approved Mexican
standards, 1 have grabbed the presi-
dency."
Voice from rear-"That's the only
way you could get It,"
The dicta tor then appropriated all
the money in the treasury, and ordered
the execution of few Congressmen
When urged to save a few for the next
holiday no replied: I'VE can begin on
the Supreme Court to morrow"
Nice-President Marshallera appeared
and. explaining that no had heard
there was n vacancy at the White
House, claimed his rights. He was
however. promptly elected by the die
tator with the remark: Rights. Why
the only right You have is TO wonder
about the Presidents state of health,
and l am very we'll
After increasing his own salary.
Bryanna Bryana met all his army gem
erals: told them he could not pay, and
sent them out to kill Champcro Clark
ista. But that astute leader won over
the army with promise OF pay, and
marching nto the hall. overthrow Bry-
ana and ordered his execution: which
sentence. however. he was impelled To
make worse by adding: cut his vocal
cords"
New Pretcnder Appears.
Hardly had the now dictator assumed
office and killed Senators OCiormano,
Reedavera and Hitchkolso. before the
army. which had been outside reducing
Senior Bryanas income at its source"
returned. headed by another pretender
this time William Alsorandolph
Hersta." who demanded tho presidency
on tho ground of tho million acres
! own in Mexico that want this coun-
try to protect" He ordered the army
To kill Clarkista. who bitterly replied:
TOO late. That's what your support
did to me at Baltimore"
Hersta, Selling the reins OF power,
announced that he wanted to intervene
somewhere. and when Tumulto said:
There's no war at present" replied:
start one then, ana say I did it. Then
stop II. and say | stopped it,
Moosebullera appeared for the fourth
time TO demand his rights but scut-
tied away when Hersta threatened to
print full reports OF his speeches.
BY that time the tickle minded army
had been taken by Battle Bob La Fol
letto," who assumed command on the
claim that che Is the only honest man
in public life He thrust out Dictator
Hersta with the declarntion-"I orig
mated universal peace. Bryana stole
that from me. | am the original trust
buster. Everybody's busting them now
III f.,1A I 4
the Progressive nomination for Presi-
dent The Bull Moose stole that from
me-"
Marshalera again bobbed up. shout
ing: The Constitution says" when
he was cut short by La Toilette with
My dear sir. YOU are bewildercd. i
The Constitution hasn't spoken above
a whisper for several years" Marshall /
era retired finally upon being present !
ed with an enormous turnip.
Mrs. Pankhurst Appears.
Scarely had the company recovered /
from such fearful dream of Mexican /,
zation when further disorder was Gre /
ated by the sudden appearance OF Mrs /
Pankhurst, whose shricks OF Votes for |
Women" and demand for n seat OF
honor was finally subdued by the suavc !
Presidents offer of hospitality. when |
ho was warned that women now vote
i'm ten States
Taking the public into its confidence,
the Gridiron Club openly initiated five
new members into membership. They
were II. y. Fowler, of the New York |
sun; Arthur b. Krock. of the Louisville
Courier-Iournal: John p. Ryan. OF the
san Francisco Post; Fred Essary. of
the baltimore sun. and Thomas w.
Eialany. OF the White House offices.
The initiation was to have been
conducted by tho Federal Reserve
Board. composed OF Harry Thaw. David
Lamar. Colonel Mulhall. lack Robin
lCantl ~, s., s;a.l...-l I..s-<