davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-10-05

NERTRUDE CHASE had been
HA reading fairy stories. Her
w mamma was at the club and
~HsA Gertrude thought reading fairy
stories was as good way to pass the
time as any. She was only seven
years old, but she could read fairy
stories and such things very well. Be-
sides, the pictures were quite inter-
csting.
Her ten-year-old brother, Albert,
did not care much for fairy stories.
He was more interested in baseball,
and he thought it silly to believe in
fairies. Only girls were so foolish.
was his opinion. But he was very
fond of his little sister; so when as
he was about to leave the house with
Teddy Holt she called him he was
quite ready to humor her:
ALBERT. will fairies bring you candy
/ II you ask them top
why, yes, 1 guess So" replied AL
bert; that is, If you can find the right
fairy. What makes you ask ?"
WELL" said Gertrude, "I've been
reading about little girl who knew
a fairy dressed in white satin and
diamonds and when the little girl
asked for some candy the fairy waved
her wand and the whole ground was
covered with chocolates. O-o-oohl I
wish 1 knew that fairy"
Albert was amused at this. Feel
ipg quite manly and worldly-wise he
was tempted TO hoot at the idea. of
fairies. but he thought 1t more digni-
fed t. pretend as if there really were
4 frf ho1
bit mischievous, perhaps, but quite
clever, he thought. So he said:
II tell you. Gertrude. Suppose you
| call up a fairy on the telephone"
'Oh, goodyl I'll just do that" and
| Gertrude ran to the hall telephone
and drew UP chair. Albert thought
he would stay awhile and see the fun.
Taking the receiver from the hook,
Gertrude waited until central said:
Number, pleased"
IT want to speak to a fairy" said
Gertrude, full of excitement.
Look up the number in the direct
ory, please" replied central
Gertrude was disappointed.
'Now that's a shame. l don't know
why they can't let me talk to a fairy
without so much bother and trouble
She began fumbling through the di-
rectory.
"Oh, Albert" called Teddy, who
was waiting outside. Hurry upl Are
you going to be all day about it?"
'All right, Teddy" he shouted. I'm
coming"
AS he was starting to Join his friend
IGertrude said:
"Dear me, I do believe I've forgot
ten how to spell fairy Oh say. AL
'ert," she called, "how do you spell
Eairy?'"
Albert stopped, scratched his head
and frowned. He had about forgotten
how to spell 1t himself.
"F-f-a-let's see-7f-e-r-y. No, it is
f-e-double r-y. That's it."
And he was gone to join his chum,
who had begun to grow impatient.
Gertrude turned to the directory.
Running her forefinger down the "Fs''
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-10-05

ter.
Of course. the Little Rocks knew
this about him, and Lefty smiled
almost superciliousy as he wound
up" to send over his first strike. II
was, too, @ beauty, And he followed
| it right up with another one! Two
strikes and no balls, with two out and
two runners on! The Red Lot root
ers groaned. II only 1t were anyone
else at bat but FATTY"
Lefty" smiled and made some
laughing remark to his third-baseman
as he toed the rubber to send over
another strike. But---
That ball was precisely where
FATTY wanted it-nearly shoulder
Highland he landed on it with all
the strength and weight of his power
full shoulder muf cles.
Zing.
And away 1t sailed, way. way out,
over the center fielder's head. When
it did hit the ground 1t seemed to have
lost but little of it's speed, for over
and over it rolled, past the cleared
part of the field, and finally bounded
over the railroad tracks and down the
declivity at the other side OF them.
It was a home-run beyond the
shadow of a doubt! In fact, they
never did find the ball!
And right then and there the game
was settled. That one hit, coming
so unexpectedly and from batter
who had been figured as almost cer-
tain "out"--tf1at one hit put the game
on ice, as the fellows say.
Not that the final score showed the
Red Lots ahead by those three runs.
No indeed. AS a matter of fact, the
final score was Red Lots, 8; Little
Rocks, l.
But "Fatty's'' hit seemed ito take
all the starch out OF them" From
then on, the game became slaugh-
ter.
No, the Little Rocks were not quit
ters; make no mistake about that.
But the unexpected-this big "unex-
pected' in baseball, you know-had
hit them such jolt that they simply
couldn't recover. Besides, remember,
they and everyone had felt certain the
game would be q tight one, which
would be decided by probably single
rim.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-10-05
TALES OF THE RED LOT TEAM
THE GAME ON IcE.v

misunderstanding happens, some
queer play or some sudden turn Of
the tide and--what was expected to
be a close, hard-fought game. turns
out to be q regular slaughter" for
one of the contesting teams.
Indeed, If you could remove this
element of uncertainty from baseball,
the grand old game would be but a
memory in a few short years.
Only the other day this fact was
driven home-literally, too, from the
business end of bat--in the wind
up game of the Red Lot team. 1t
was their last contest of the season,
their big, championship game, and
for weeks beforehand every member
of the team and every one of its loyal
rooters had been looking forward to
the battle.
The Red Lots. as you will recall.
had defeated nearly every team in
their section of the State, and were
the acknowledged champions, for
their age. for miles around. While
there had never been any regular
league organized, no one disputed
their right to the title.
Now, down in the Southern part
of the State was another team, the
Little Rocks so named because of
the town in which they lived, but
also, their supporters boasted, be-
cause they were literally as hard as
rocks when it came to smashing them.
In their territory they had won as
enviable a reputation as had the Red
Lots in theirs.
Several times in past years efforts
had been made to bring the two
prize juvenile mines together; but
something had always interfered.
Early in September, however, the two
managers met and arranged to stage
the great contest that was pulled off
the other day.
Interest, you may well be sure, had
been at fever heat for days and days
before the game. The Red Lot root
ers had it "all doped out" that their
boys would be victorious because, for
instance, good old Smoke BALI
Thompson, their star pitcher, would
crush those boastful Rocks into
pieces so small that you couldn't tell
them from gravel.
Or, again, "Swifty" Millen, their
crack left fielder, would fairly run
wild on the bases and in doing sso
send the Little Rock infield straight
up in the air." These were but two
lof. the arguments advanced; there
were a dozen more at least.
In, like manner, down in the camp
of the Little Rocks, their adherents
were equally confident and equally
prolific in backing up their predic-
tions with explanations. Four of
their, players, for example, were
s"sluggers' of the most pronounced
type--and they were not afraid of
Smoke ball" Again. their own
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-10-05

6. Behead the den of beast and
get necessity of life.
The beheaded letters spell the
name of place which all boys and
girls should like.
WORD SQUARE.
1. Dry and barren.
2. A vegetable.
3. Frozen food.
4. Something used In the school
room.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-10-05
Funny OldMetaphors

TYGH often hear a person saying,
MAN "Oh, I'm as tired as q dog" and
WV we wonder why the comparison
| is made to dog, an animal that is
1 rarely ever tired, and which usually
| lives life of ease. But the saying.
like many others, Is older than our
generation, and comes down to us
from our great grandfathers, and to
them from their great grandfathers
doubtless. Following are some of the
strange old metaphors In daily use
throughout the country: As fat as a
pig. AS slow as molasses. As quick
as a flash. As deaf as post. AS
sharp as needle. As black as SCOT.
AS heavy as lead. AS white as a
ghost. As cool as a cucumber. As
sweet as a rose. As light as a feather.
AS sour as vinegar. AS hungry as a
wolf. AS pretty as a picture. As
dry as dust. AS ugly as mud fence.
AS thin as a rail. As big as a barn
AS cold as the North Pole. AS SLY
as fox. As weak as a kitten. AS
wise as an owl. AS dead as door
nail. As pure as gold. As true as
steel. As free as the air. As strong
as an OK. As busy as a bee. As
gay as a butterfly. AS drunk as a
lord. As poor as Jobs turkey. AS
cold as ice. As wild as deer. AS
big as barn door. As warm as
toast. AS black as night. AS dark
as pitch As mean as gar broth. AS
pale as a sheet. AS salt as the sea.
AS proud as peacock. As clean as
whistle. AS neat as pin. AS blind
as a bat As deep as well. As smart
as a lawyer. As bright as a dollar.
As meek as Moses. As blue as the
sky. As still as mouse. As easy
as falling off log. AS cruel as Nero
AS soft as mush. AS grey as the
dawn As stiff as poker. AS pure
as snow. AS clumsy as a bear.
AS big as a giant. As straight
as stick. As mean as sin. As
happy as an angel AS mad as a
March hare. AS yellow as a pump
Kin. AS green as grass. AS dull as
turnip. AS rich as a Jew.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-10-05

down to Lefty" who flelded 1t per-
fectly and hadn't the slightest trouble
heading off the flying "Swifty" at the
plate. Two out--and the bases still
full. Then Bob Ellis star third base
man, landed on the ball and sent a
sky-scraper out to deep left field
where 1t was caught, making the third
out.
The irony of It'll II Bob had only
oeen batting in place of either "Rip',
OF Blii Cortland-or if one of them
mad only been able to send the ball
where he sent lift his fly had
only not made the third out, why,
the lied Lots would have had at least
one run certainly But that little
II crops up nearly every inning in a
baseball camel
ana SO the crowd settled back in
their seats, firm in their belief that
the game would be a long drawn out
pitchers battle that would most like
ly go into extra innings and be decided
by the margin of single run. This
view, too, was strengthened when. in
the second inning, both sides were re-
tired without scoring, though each got
a runner as far as second base.
Likewise, in the third round. neith-
er side had been able to send across
the tally that would give them first
blood" Both pitchers were working
smoothly and not player on either
team had made an error that was
costly, though there had been several
narrow escapes.
In the fourth inning, "Smoke balls
sent the Red Lot rooters into par
oxysms of delight by striking out the
Little Rock batters in one-two-three
order. 1t was O. most remarkable ex-
hlbition. And not to be outdone.
Lefty Dawson came right back and
struck out RIP" Dugan and Bill Cort-
land.
But then--then.-some mething began
to happen, though no one realized for
moment what it would amount to
until after it was all over but the
shouting. Lefty" uncorked a Wild
one, as left-handers are so apt to do
when least expected, and hit Bob Ellis,
sending him to first base, of course.
But, with two men all ready out, that
did not look threatening.
However. he gave Capt. Bud Allison
base-on- balls, thus putting Bob on
second and Bud on first. And vet.
even this did not seem particularly
alarming to the Little Rock rooters,
for the next batter up was Fatty
| Henry, the Red Lot first baseman.
Now, FATTY was the weakest bat
ter on the team, as his position of
next to the pitcher in the batting-or-
der testified. A splendid fielder de-
spite his weight he held his position
on the team chiefly because of his
magnificent defensive work. On the
other hand. it must be stated that
Fatty occasionally landed on the
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-10-05

Yes. Who is speaking?"
"This is Gertrude Chase, of 419
North Rose street,
well, what can I do for your"
asked the deep bass voice.
please send me a thousand mil
lion Chocolates, a thousand million
gun-drops, a thousand million red
hots, a thousand million ll-day-suck-
ers, a thousand million peppermint
drops and--oh yes, you might send
a thousand million sticks of lickrish
for Albert. He likes lickrish, but ]
don't"
,"Gosh" came from the other end
of the wire. And then all was still.
Fearing she had lost connection,
Gertrude jiggled the receiver hook
frantically and called:
Hello, hello, Mr.. Fairy! Can you
hear me?"
"Yes, I hear you," came the voice
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-10-05

go HE one thing moro than all else
~ that makes baseball the greatest
ca of all sports is its uncertainty.
WkD There is no such thing as "dop-
ing out" the winner on form, as it is
popularity called when applied to other
sports, and any one who follows the
great American game might as well
make up his mind to this fact once
and for all.
A game is scheduled between two
teams, let us say. One of them, on
its past performances, looks to be a
certain winner-but loses the camel
Or again, two teams are believed to
be so evenly matched that nothing
short of a battle royal can be expected
when they cross bats. But often
look back over the scores of some of
the Worlds Series games for actual
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-10-05
AMUSING JIM.

She was very little girl, and she
had charge of a still smaller boy, her
baby brother Jim. Timidly approach
ing one of the ticket office windows at
Junction. she asked how much the
fare was to New York. The clerk told
her and she moved away.
But presently she returned and
made the same innocent inquiry, once
more to be informed with the same
courtesy. A few minutes later she
was there again.
Look here, my little GIRL" said the
clerk, this Is the third time you've
asked me the same question:"
Yes, sir" said the little girl. "T
know that; but Jim likes to see you
peep out at your window because
there's a lot of bars across it and he
says It's just like being at the Zoo"
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-10-05

CHASE had been
n IA reading fairy stories. Her
W mamma was at the club and
NHSA Gertrude thought reading fairy
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-10-05

~

once more, to Gertrude's great re-
lief. 1
"o-o-o ooh! II was 'fraid central had
cut US off,
"Er-how much candy did you say
you wanted; that is-er-did you want
a thousand million of each kind?"
"Why, no, sir, not exactly, unless
you have plenty of 1t, Mr.. Fairy.
Maybe a. thousand million is too
much.'
What did you say your address
is?" said the voice, and she heard a
low chuckle come over the wire.
"Four. one, nine South Rose street."
replied Gertrude very distinctly.
''All right, Gertrude. Is that all
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-10-05

she came to the name:
Ferry, J. NJ, 5G1S MAN,
"That must be man fairy" said
Gertrude to herself.
She. climbed upon the chair and
took down the receiver. When CEN
trail asked for the number she replied
confidently:
Five, six, one, eight, Main"
Then she waited. Pretty soon a
gruff voice answered:
Hello"
Gertrude was frightened. what q
gruff old fairy!" she thought. But she
took courage and said with slight
tremor in her voice:
Hello, is this Mr.. Fairy?"
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-10-05

ball; and when he did ut went a
mile
When he hit, the ball usually fell
safe; but he struck out far more often
than he caught the ball on the end of
his bat. Perhaps, therefore. it would
be more exact to say that Fatty was
an uncertain rather than weak bat
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-10-05
BEHEADINGs.

BEHEADINGS.
1. Behead the sound made by a
fireman and get the opposite to cold.
2. Behead to speak in loud voice
and get everything.
3. Behead something we can do
with one of our senses and get a part
of the head.
4. Behead girls name and get to
have life.
s. Behead a vegetable and get a
proposition.
The San Francisco call., 1913-11-19
q Euening Calls g

James Whitcomb Riley going Sa-ay, Jm thar
no frost the punk doan thar
Some bright fellow
success by holding up these S P. trains.
There thing
Central can't tell US that the lines busy
Young Hartman
Pacific He is doing his railroad shopping" early.
So the the world
have baby-iu another little racket in the bungalow
Governor Johnson has application recall
the Chicago noise Then it be universal panacea
The king of England shoot In old DAYS
when the kings went hunting Tor they too often dropped
Two barks have just after
elements Cape Horn That is which the
end. - -
year old boy in Connecticut smokes three
dispatch The dispatch did what
confined
million dollars worth be brought
to fill Christmas stockings this Mother better the
darning needle - ~ -
The skull Of mastodon the Los Angeles
that $50 - ~
Ton Marshall surely has in a upendous
SIS ~ ~ - -
The San Francisco call., 1913-11-19
What Is Your Collection OF
Rent Receipts Worth?
Quit Accommodating Them and Buy That Cheapest Com
modity-a Home

cheapest commodity that of family purchase is
a home
consider that diamond IS good investment
others consider that prudent they make
their family cozy of at movies show Auomo
bes tempt still others But only the who spends
himself and his family making the best
money Now farming community the term house
with elasticity and made to embrace house
hundred of arabic land For the
city dweler the of small the plodder
salary wages the house and lot
house and lot, home and plat of ground
The arithmetic of the situation is simple
has pay life in creek bottom has gone
for brief times in the year will
SIS $50 and accumulate notable
collection of pale pink receipts which gracousy given
young who calls after day and makes
bank Say $50 goes the collector
$40 goes the savings bankfo the who does not put
a little aside every month is to consider.
Use the savings bank egg make the initial payment
which be much little negotiate tor
your $50 $40 and that each month toward
your home may take eight in full take
You would have paid $50 month There
FORE you pay $40 for your home will be acquiring
erty for $40 month
the the period of you will have deed to
your home and deed worth than 100 rent receipts
The San Francisco call., 1913-11-19
Profanity
By WILLIAM F. KIRK

,<H OIL dem that manr said Deacon Brown,
II 7 think he's the peskiest cuss in town
didn't think that he stood much show
When we traded hosses week ago
I knew that my hoss was little blind
But woman could drive him. he was that kind
His hoss had the heaves, the measly skate
And I never knew it until too Late
A feIlers chances is mighty slim
A-doin business with whelps like him
When skins me- said Deacon Brown
With snap of his jaws and vicious frown.
Hes skinnn' a feller what don't forget
And I'll get my revenge some day, you bet
If | was sinful wouldn't care,
Say I'd give him another hoss, gee Whit
To call him jest what think he isp
But am . deacon and can't swear.
The San Francisco call., 1913-11-19
Fo0tnotes of Hun1or

He was q poor man, but had been
obliged, at last, to call in the doctor
to attend his little girl. Her illness
had turned out to be a serious one,
and the doctor had had to pay many
visits and leave good deal OF medi-
cine for his patient.
Now, however. she was well again.
and her father stood in the DOCTORS
room, waiting for the bill to be made
out.
When, at last. the account was
presented to him, he was almost par
alyzed to see the huge amount he
owed.
THE small amount is for the medi-
cine, and the large one is for my calls
at your house." said the doctor.
The hard up father took out his
lean purse.
Here he said. 'is the money for
the medicine. My-my wife will her.
self return your calls!''
They had cut on Chinaman's queue.
And were painting his head q bright
blueue;
So the Chinaman said.
AS they daubed his head:
when sueue yueue. yueue'll rueue
what yueue dueue."
~ n \
The story is told of a veteran Of the
American Civil War who returned to
the home Of his boyhood to attend a
banquet given by the old boys The
The San Francisco call., 1913-11-19

diners were all men he had known
as youngsters. He expected them to
talk over old times. Instead. one
talked incessantly about his weak
heart: third had lot to say. about
his kidney trouble. and so It went on.
When the veteran returned to his
home he was asked how he enjoyed
the banquet.
Banquet" he replied. showing vex-
alton. 1T wasn't banquet. It was
an organ recital"
Miss Hogabust (of Chicago) - And
what profession il your SON In. Lord
Hightop7
Lord Hightop - Oh, when Algy
leaves college expect he win take
orders.
Miss Hogabust (surprised - You
don't sayi Well. papa has got some
real nice gentlemen travelling for
him.
"A professor OF Illinois University,
who Is very popular among the stu
dents. was entertaining = group Of
them at his residence one night. TAX
Ing down q magnificent Bword that
hung over the fireplace. he brandished
1t about. exclaiming:
Never will forget the day I
drew this blade for the nrst time-
where did you drew II, sirr' an
awestruck freshman asked.
Al - saale.- said the pxokeason
The San Francisco call., 1913-11-19

man in the penitentiary for him
to induce a girl to marry him
for the sake of having his So
ciety, and then for him to go off
and leave her after they are
married to spend her. evenings
alone?
Everybody's doing it, of
course, and also very nearly
everybody is getting a divorce,
or wishing that one could be
got If nine-tenths of the peo-
pie in the world would tell the
matrimonial truth they would
say that they were the victims
of matrimonial confidence artists
and that they never, never, never
would have married the ones
they did if they had the faintest
idea of what they were getting.
Talk about state regulation of
marriage! What we need is
state regulation of courtship and
some law that would make it a
felony for any man or woman
not to give the party of the
other part a square deal, and not
to let him or her at least know
the kind of a matrimonial bar
gain he or she was making.
The San Francisco call., 1913-11-19
1t Would Discourage Di-
vorCe as Well as
MARRIAGE

OF course it would be dis
courager of marriage, but it
would also be a discourager of
divorce Fewer people might
get married If they knew what
they were going up against in
reality, but more people would
stay married.
Let John ZONES, when he
courts Sally Smith, refrain from
dealing in giittering generalties
and telling her that he will
stand between her and the cruel
world, and no harsh wind shall
ever blow upon her, and that his
one thought will be to keep her
in a satin lined box Instead let
him say to her:
Sally, l am poor. / only
make $35 a week, and if you
marry me you will have to work
and economize and wear year
before lasts clothes. In addi-
ton, I've got a devil of temper,
and you'll need to have
stranglc hold on your patience
and forbearance if you live with
me, but love you, and I'm in
dustrious and a hustler, and I'll
do my best to make you a good
husband and better and better
living as the time goes on
1t would be up to Sally then
to take him or leave him, and
she'd know what she was let
ting herself in for if she mar
RED him, and there'd be no jus
tihcation in her whining there
after over the lot of a poor
mans wife.
And let Sally, when John
comes ACQUIRING, give him a real
glimpse of the real girl, as she's
going to look when she settles
down to domesticity that is
minus the aids of the toilet
table. Let her exhibit herself to
John in her working dress, with
her sleeves rolled up and her
hair slicked back and with no
powder on her nose or rouge on
her cheeks, and if she looks
good to him then he is safe in
making the bargain
Likewise let her give him a
sample of her temper and her
tongue and her bossiness in time
for him to withdraw If he
doesn't think that they would
suit him for daily consumption.
It's the lies of courtship that
lie at the bottom of most do
mestic infelicity, and if men and
women would be honest with
each other before marriage
there would be very rftrie trou-
bic after marriage