davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington herald., 1913-12-21
|BOWSER'S WINTER BIKE

Although the dinner hour Mr.. Bowser
was very quiet, but his face wore that
expression that comes to a man who has
made UP his mind to do or die.
Hes going to blow up the house."
whispered the cook TO herself as she
brought in the mashed potatoes.
He always carries that look when he's
after my scalp" thought the cat.
Aren't you well this EVENING"" asked
Mrs. Bowser for the tenth time.
When they had finished and passed up
to the sitting room Mr.. Bowser turned on
her and said:
mo, Mrs. Bowser; I am not well-far
from it!''
But what's the matter?"
'T am gradually being tied up in knots
for lack OF exercise"
But presently there'u come a big fan
OF snow and you can use the snow
shovel"
He regarded her for a moment with
lofty contempt, and then said:
Mrs. Bowser, this is winter month,
but there is no snow on the ground. II is
a calm night. It is a moonlight night. 1t
is an ideal night"
And We'll go to the theater."
81 shall take an hours exercise on the
bike have borrowed for the occasion"
''But-but it's winter" she protested
II Detter 10 rlue IN Ine "lnIeE.
"But-but-'
"The matter is settled. You thought I
had given it up. but l was only waiting
for bracing weather. Two or three month
ago ] experimental with 1t, but didn't
care to buy one just then. 1 am now 60
ing to experiment some more. In fact, /
expect to become a crack rider within a
week"
''You-you become a crack rider?"
And why not? What's the matter with
me?"
When you tried the bike before you
were unconscious for an hour and in bed
for three days. You didn't seem to-
to"
Didn't seem to WHAT he shouted as
he showed back from the table. III
didn't quite get the hang OF the thing
1t wasn't my fault. No one can ride
a bike right off. I've got the best kind
of a chance TO learn and propose to take
advantage of II. 1 expect a fail or two,
but what of that? What 1 want is to
harden this flesh down, and all the doc
tors agree that there's nothing like
bicycle riding to do it. In two weeks
I'll be kicking up my heels like boy"
II wish you would give up the
idea" said Mrs. Bowser, certain in her
own mind that a tragedy would follow
any experiment on his part.
That's just like your he growled.
IF get a plan to take a little comfort
you are always ready to hand me on 1
propose to learn to ride, and shall begin
in ten minutes. There is no more TO be
said
Twenty minutes later Mr.. Bowser had
the machine out on the highway. He
The Washington herald., 1913-12-21
ALONG THE HIGHWAYS
It's the Tramp That Can Tale. Unfold

At IL o'clock at night he stood leaning
against a lamp-post at an angle Of Is
degrees. Only a tramp could have main
tained it a minute.
His raiment was worr and greasy, and
one could count four Of his toes through
the hole in his shoes.
He hadn't I'D a shave in weeks. and
if he had ever combed his hair with
anything except his fingers 1t was away
back in the time OF the Caesars.
He was smoking the stub of a cigar
he had picked up in the street, and now
and then he removed 1t from his lips to
grunt with satisfaction.
His age was anywhere since the build
ing OF the Pyramids. and his health was
so good that it was hard to keep his
feet on the ground.
When did I last eat?'' he inquired of
himself, as he restored the 45-degrees
slant after a slight slip. 'It might have
been yesterday, and it might have been a
The Washington herald., 1913-12-21

'T didn't expect to get the hang OF II
the first time, you know. but III get
there or die. Did it go down all OF q
sudden with me?"
VERY Suddenm
81 guess I didn't find the pedals quick
enough. Stand back a little and give me
a show. Now. there's my foot, and
here's two hops and-and-"
Mr.. Bowser didn't reach the saddle.
There was a wild hope in his heart that
he would, but he rose just high enough
to fall forward. face downwards, and
with a wild wabble the machine rolled
him into the wayside ditch and fell be-
side him.
You didn't do it." said Mrs. Bowser,
as she advanced to help him up.
"who kicked that hind wheel?" he de-
manded, as he sat up and combed the
dirt and grass out Of his hair.
NO one. wasn't within twenty feet
OF you You'd better let me hold the
wheel while you get on
"Never-never! I've set ont to get on
that wheel myself, and by the chin Of
my grandmother I'll do 1t or perish right
here?'
''Mr. Bowser, you know you have short
legs and are naturally clumsy, and you
ought to give yourself chance"
Short legsI Clumsyr' he shouted, as
he struggled up. Woman, get out Of
the road-get inside the gate! You are
hoping for me to keep on falling. and
perhaps break my neck, but you'n be
disappointed. You just keep inside the
gate till you're called upon to inter-
feren'
Then Mr.. Bowser examined the wheels.
They were all there. He TOOK q long
look at the handle bar, but discovered
nothing wrong with it The pedals
seemed to have been hung on at the
right places, and he could find no fault
with the saddle. Mrs Bowser stood
watching him over the gate, but he pre-
tended to be oblivious of her presence
and drew a long breath and made ready
for another try at it. It suddenly oc-
CURED to him that he didn't get in hops
enough, and so he started out on a new
plan. With his foot on the step he be-
gan hopping and humping. His idea was
to get a good headway and then rise
like a bird, but at the fifth hop the ma
chine took a shoot into the ditch, and
there was another wrestling match, in
which il came out on top.
you see, you can't do It." said ars.
Bowser, as she went out and pulled
The Washington herald., 1913-12-21
No Calamity Happened

seemed puzzled, and finally asked:
Didn't feel nuthin' like earthquake
as yo' passed Chapman's Corners this
forenoon, eh?''
mo. Everything was quiet at the cor
ners.''
'Nuthin' like a cyclone hit yo' bout the
time yo' reached Smokers Capt"
mo, sir. You seem to have expected
some great calamity to occur down the
road?"
II did, sab. and I can't make 1t out
My son Dan1 got drunk on crab apple
cider Yesterday mawnin' and started on
on his mewl to lick the hull Stait OF
Tennessee. Didn't yo' see any dead folks
in the road as yo' cum alongT
mot a single one. Was your son
Daniel q young man with long hair and
a coon-skin cap?'
"He was, stranger-that's my Dan'L"
Had a long nose and a loud voice?"
''Exactly-exactly. How many folks
did he kill?'
"If that's your son Daniel, then you'll
find him at the Corners. He's lying
alongside the fence asleep. I noticed that
scme one had pulled out lot Of his hair,
and then both his eyes were blacked, and
his nose was badly skinned. think he
was in row and got badly whipped
Never, sah-neyerg' exclaimed the
man as he Strengthened up. MY son
DanT might hev tackled this yere mount
ing and got the wust OF 1t, or he might
hev met up with an earthquake and laid
down to rest. but as fur getin' whopped
in a fout it don't run In the family and
couldn't hev bin possible. I viii move
along down thar and see about II, and
II yo' see the trees q shakin' and the
rocks a roIliR down yo'd better git into
a hole sumvhar' fur that win be Dan'l
risin' bis feet and yslltn' fur hloo1rs
The Washington herald., 1913-12-21

on to q bicycle perhaps I'll call for your
advice!"
ut you haven't got on yeti"
That's my AFFAIR." II 1 want to fool
around a little and get acquainted with
the idioms of the machine 1 guess / can
do it. haven't tried to dlsmount yet"
''oh, I thought you had! Just practc-
ing. eh?'
And you will oblige me by going into
the house, Mrs. Bowser. Should I re-
any more sarcasm, I'll send you postal
cardI'
She went and when she had disappeared
Mr.. Bowser looked the machine over
again and chuckled to himself
''rn give the pesky thing a surprise
party, the way that Thompson did. I'll
act as II I didn't care whether school
kept or not, and then spring into the
saddle all OF a sudden"
He led the machine up and down the
road a few times. patting the saddle in
a fatherly way and humming a tune,
and by and by, after a quick glance at
the house to see II Mrs. Bowser was
looking, he made a sudden dash for the
saddle He got there. Just how he did
IL he will never be able to make out, but
to his utter surprise he found himself
there and his feet clawing about for the
pedals. His first impression was that he
was at least twenty feet above the
earth; his second that he was all of
forty. He had a dim idea that he was
speeding along like a race horse, but It
didn't last long. AS a matter OF fact,
the machine took a ''skit'' OF about ten
feet and suddenly stopped. Mr.. Bowser
also stopped. When Mrs Bowser got out
TO him he was on one side OF the road
and the wheel on the other. Mr.. Bowser
had struck on his head and was looking
into vacancy and whispering to himself.
1t was like dream-some one lifting
his head-his body being rolled about-a
wagon coming up and two men Juggling
him into the house. He meant to
charge Mrs. Bowser with hitting him
with a fence rail-with showing a crow
bar between the spokes to upset him
with maliciously planning his death
but the words refused to come, and while
he was wondering what was the matter
he heard one of the men say:
"Oh, not at ALL ma'am glad to to be Of
any service. He'll come to after a while
and be all right again in q few days,
and II you have any influence with him,
you'd better advise him to ride . rail
mes no bird for the biker'
The Washington herald., 1913-12-21

to cum back next day and hev II out,
The news spread around and went fo'th,
and next afternoon I reckon thar was
two hundred men at the crossroads
Everybody said it would be an awful
fout-the awfullest fout ever seen be-
tween two men in this yere State Of Ten
nessee. Both men war thar on time.
They had rifles and revolvers and knives,
and nobody was to step in to prevent a
fout. When they cum together Peters
he stepped up and sez:
"Mebbe the presence Of death has sor-
ter changed> yu'r mind, and yo' want to
apologize fur them ere words about
Gineral Grant?'
"sNeverp yeIls Hopkins, as he filings
down his hat with whoop. Gen.
Lee was the best man, and I've got blood
to shed in the proyin' of it! How will
yo' fout?"
'If it's Jest the same to yo', I'll take
knives. kase then 1 can slice yo' up a
slice at a timei"
Tim yere to be sliced, and knives 1t is!
I'll cut yo' to shoestrings in about five
minutesi
''The men looked so fierce and deter
mined" said Zeb, that / felt my hair
curl UP, and was good mind to 60
home. They put aside their rifles and
pistols, peeled of most OF their clothes,
and the way they clanked their teeth
and foamed at the mouth was awful to
see. Bimeby all was ready, and then
Peters he boots a terrible hoot and seq:
"'FeIler critter, I've got heart in me
and kin feel fur the widder and the
fatheriess, but yo' must take back them
insults 70 Gineral Grant or die"
"'Gineral Lee is my man foreverP
shouts Hopkins. He could outjump and
outholler anythin' on feet I'm sorry fur
yo're poor wife. but I can't mind her
tears
They talked about that way fur a
long time" said Zebs but bimeby we
got 'em into the ring and facin. each
The Washington herald., 1913-12-21

othar with knives. We reckoned to see
blood flow right away, but It didn't They
Test walked around each other, pale as
death and their knees givin' out, and not
a blow was struck. When they was tired
of waIkin' Peters he squared on and sez:
"'Did yo' say 1t was this yere last wah
which that yere critter Of yo're MT tntoT
L did, sez Hopkins. Mebbe yo' re-
members second Bull Run Antietam'
Fredericksburg, Gettysburg, the Wilder
ness and SO on? I was right thar, and
81 was Gineral Lee, and we killed so
many of yo' critters that we never did
git time to bury 'em or brag over itn
sWhoop! whoop-eeI Yo' hev only
five minits to live! was in them fouts
myself. and I didn't see a dead man on
our side. I was standin' right by the
side of Gineral Grant when yo'r critter
of a Gineral Lee began to run
Z" 'Shoo-whoop?
+" Twhoop-shoor
'aThere was a good deal of blowing
around before they got to business"
said to the old possum hunter, as he
smiled and chuckled over the remem-
brance
.aThey never got to businessF' he an
swered. 1--WE gin 'em an hour to git
mad. but they spent 1t in blow and brag
and waIkin' around. We see they was
afraid and hooted 'em, but they wouldn't
close in. Some OF the crowd went away
and others hung on. and them two awful
lighters sot down and glared at each other
fur a hull hour without sayin' a word.
Then Peters begins to get red In the
face and to sharpen his knife on his
bootleg, and bimeby he yells out:
4 know that the widder will mourn
and the fatherless will weep. but shuck
my hide II kin stand this yere any
longer! I've got to hev the blood Of the
critter what sez that Gineral Grant
wasn't boss Of the roost!'
Hopkins says. as he scratches his
The Washington herald., 1913-12-21

you don't see de trubbles dat have to
pass frew.
1T am all right to sigh for greatness.
but greatness has got to pay de butcher
and grocer same as other folks Great
ness in itself am all right, but don't i'm
agine it's all gwine TO de circus and
plckin' up diamonds
Wild all great mans greatness-wid
de cheers of de multitude ringing in his
earS-wid hatless men and smilin' women
follerin' him about, he may go home TO
find his old woman standin' in de hall
wild a club in her hand and waitin' to
say to him DAFT de -four bar'l am empty.
de bacon gone and de chillen wantn new
shoes, and dat If he don't get hustle on
him she'll mighty soon know de reason
why.
My advice to you am to be great up
to a sartin p'nt-up to dat pint whar
your credit am good for a pound OF
coffee all to once, and den stop. Any
thing beyond dat may bring you down
wild a crash and leave you a wreck
"'Brudder Shindig Watkins, you am one
Of de members sighin' to be great" hain't
your
Yes, sah," was the prompt reply
wall. I want to say a word to you.
and through you to all de rest re
told dat your debts amount to a 500"
But it's all OWN TO de panic, sah-"
was the excuse.
rs heard all about dat panic and don't
want to hear any mo-. You hain't look
in fur work. You have been loafin'
around fur de last TO- weeks trytn' to
fgger out a system dat will beat de bank
at Monte Carlo, and make you as great
a man as ole Socrates Monte Carlo am
a long way of, while your creditors am
right in your doah. Systems don't pay
rent nor buy shoes. I know fur q fact
dat your chillen am barefut, and If you
don't get a hustle on you / shall sar-
tinIy figger out some system dat will
take you out OF dis club wild a pain
around your heart rs gwine to hab my
eye on you fur de next two weeks, and
If you don't git a hustle on you you'll
feel an airthquake shakin' de ground
around your cabin. What you want Is q
system to get out OF bed at o'clock in
de mawnin' and keep goin' all day, and
il de system am big nun It might hnd
way fur you to pay me back de e you
borrowed of me a year ago. We VIII
now break de meetin' in two-and 80
home"
The Washington herald., 1913-12-21
OLD FEB WHITE
He Tells of the Greatest Fight He Ever Saw

One afternon when I was out on the
mountain side with zeb White, the pos
sum hunter of Tennessee, he told me this
story:
After the close Of the wah things was
purity bad around yere fur awhile. Some
was Confeds and some as Yanks, and
both was ready fur a row at any time.
A feIler named Peters moved in above
the crossroads, and feller named Hop
kins moved in below. Both war
strangers to each other and to the rest
OF US. Peters gin out that he was Union
and ut with Grant. and Hopkins gin out
that he was Confed and fit with Lee,
and both was powerful on the brag. One
day they cum together at the crossroads,
stopped and walked around and looked
at each other fur spell, just as 20 hev
The Washington herald., 1913-12-21

was so many deadheads dat he couldn't
make q cent. Only a week befo' his
death, and while he had two doctors
feelin' his pulse and lookin' wise. some
body broke into his smokehouse and stole
three sides Of bacon.
Let u5 come down to my own case.
You see me walkin' along de street wild
my plug hat on and my snu1-brown
suit and gold-headed cane. My stomach
Is pulled out. I am lookin' straight
ahead OF me wid de utmost dignity. 1
look to eberybody like a great man on
his way down to de bank to get a check
cashed- Teams stop to let me cross de
street, and de small boy shrinks away
abashed- You stand dar and hold your
breath and wish you was Brudder Gard
ner.
And yet. my frens. gaze on de other
side OF de pictur'. rs got sore throat
rs got two more cons. De cold got into
my cellar and frostbit my 'taters. Ny
brudder down in Virginny wants to bor-
row ten dollars OF me. My cat has just
died and my dawg run away. has got
two lawsuits on hand, and my old mewl
Is standin' in de shed so sick dat ex-
pect to find him a corpse when get
home. You see greatness befo' you, but
The Washington herald., 1913-12-21


week ago. It's all right. however-all
right"
Wherein I goin' to sleep tonight, the
devil only knows. Right here, mebbe,
if this old lamp-post don't get tuckered
out
Say I'm an income tramp, I am-the
only Cne in the world, and I'm as proud
OF the fact as John D. is when he sends
kerosene up another cent I come under
that 5000 clause, 1 do. Let's fgger a
minute and see what I've earned in the
last year:
There's 800 dog bites at IS each, max
ing $500.
Licked by farmers forty-seven times,
at SO a lick. is $40
Arrested twenty-five times, at so an
arrest, is 500
Five sentences Of ten days each is
$50,
Charged with horse stealing five times
is $1,000.
CHARGED with murder twice is 5000
There you are, and I must pay an in
come on $4,442, and I'll be hanged If I
lie out of a cent. Land, liberty and
greatest country on earth. Business
rushing all the time, and the doors Of
savings banks blocked by tramps!
Say, this touring the country hain't
halfbad. 1 wouldn't go So far as to
recommend the heir to a million dollar
estate to turn tramp, but at the same
time 1 wish to say that enjoyable events
are constantly happening in this profess
sion. Perhaps the leading one Is being
SUSPECTED of murder. 1t has happened
TO me some five or six times, and now
look forward to it as a part and parcel
of the seasons program.
There has been a murder committed
in a city, a village, or out in the coun-
try, and the murderer has got away
The first thing the police do, failing to
find the guilty party within few hours,
is to lay the crime to tramps. Their
own records would show them that the
tramp class is more clear of capital
crimes than almost any other, and yet
the first instinct is to go for it. The
call goes forth in city and village to
round il UP, and country constables for
fifty miles around are warned to be on
the lookout.
II am ploughing along country high
way, or taking a nap under tree be-
side the road. when the heavy hand Of
the law is laid upon me. The constable
NAV have five or six men at his back,
all armed and all regarding me as a
most desperate character. 1 am bound
hand and foot. There is much rejoicing.
The constable feels that he will be
nominated for sheriff next time, and
those with him know they will be re-
garded as heroes for some time to come.
/ am told that am a red-handed mur-
derer, and that If I as much as raise a
finger 1 shall have my brains blown into
the next county.
1.-The procession heads for the county
jail and makes a triumphal entry into
the town. Everybody turns out to see
and to ask questions. The constable
and his assistants are almost carried
around on the shoulders of the mob. A
boom sets in, and real estate jumps 25
per cent. It is hours before the excite
ment abates. The telephone and the
telegraph spread the news all over the
country that the murderer has been ar
rested, and the jailer wouldn't trade
The Washington herald., 1913-12-21

head, and looks far away: Would yo'
mind spellin' the critters name fur me,
SO that 1 won't mix him up with Cor
poral Smith and Sergeant Jones
It's been spelled with cannon balls and
grape-shot!"
''shool Don't you sass mer'
"Shoo! I was goin' to let up on yo',
but now yo' must die!"
And that's the way they blowed and
oluffed and Dragged all that long arter-
noon," said Zeb, ''and when night cum
they was still at it. All the crowd but
three or fo' went away mad and disgust
ed, but We hung on to see the end. II
cum about Q o'clock. Each man had bin
sharpenin' his knife and feelin' of the
aige and chankin' his teeth, when Hop
kins suddenly jumps up with a whoop
and yells:
TIL gin yo' Jest one mo- chance, Jim
Peters! Do yo' deny that yo' ever heard
Of Gineral Leer"
why, no. sence this yere awful fout
begun I've remembered that thar was
sich a critter. Yes. I'm suah thar was.
Reckon you must hev heard Of Gineral
GrantT"
EUR shore. He was hghter.'"
$50 was yo'r Gineral Lee"
"'They was both awful fighters. They
fout and fit till they could fout no mo-.
Say. Jim"
"'Yes, Tom"
1--WE fout and fit and cut each other
all to pieces. but amt madP"
"sNeither am I"
Then let's take drink and go home.
Gineral Grant was an awful critter to
fout Gineral Lee was Just as good. :
"'Jest so.'"
''And that was the end of it?'' asked,
as Zeb paused with look Of disgust on
his face
"'ceptin' they took a drink together and
never asked any Of the rest Of rs to
mix ini"
The Washington herald., 1913-12-21

seen two strange dawgs do. Then Pc
terss he sez:
That ar Gineral Grant ar a kuss to
fight and I don't keer who knows It."
'sMebbe he arr" sez Hopkins, "but I
knows Of a better man and a better
fighter. and his name is Gineral Lee"
"Gineral Lee? Gineral Lee? Pears to
me that I've heard the name before. Did
he fout in this wah which has Jest
ended?"
He did. sab. He ar the Gineral who
licked everything on laigs till he got
tuckered out at last and lost his eye
glasses and couldn't fight no mo. Any
critter as says thar was a better fighter
than Gineral Lee has got to back 1t UP
by licking met
''shoo! Better go home befo' claw yo'
up!''
''ShooI I'm right yere to be chawedi'
THAT was the beginnln','' explained
Zeb. Thar was a dozen OF us thar,
and We kept 'em apart, but they agreed
The Washington herald., 1913-12-21

peeled off his coat and vest, tied strings
around the bottom of his trousers, and
had an air OF confidence about him
which considerably puzzled Mrs. Bowser
You are not going to jump right on,
are your" she asked as he moistened his
hands.
You bet am!' he replied. "An the
trouble with new beginners is being
afraid of the machine. I'm going right
into that saddle as If 1 had been there
a thousand times before, and II you see
a cloud of dust tipping down the road
you can hold on to your hat with both
hands. Here I CO."
He went He put his foot on the step
The Washington herald., 1913-12-21

the wheel OF him. "You don't seem to
hold the wheel right and you hop on the
sole Of your foot"
Mr.. Bowser arose and pointed to the
open gate. and so strong was his emo
ton that 1t was q full half minute De-
fore he could say:
"Am 1 running this business, or are
you? When / don't know enough to get
The Washington herald., 1913-12-21

and made two hops and a jump, and
Mrs. Bowser saw a cloud of dust. It
didn't go tipping down the road, how
ever, but remained right there at her
feet. 1t was a cloud raised by Mr..
Bowser as the machine bucked him on
and then fell upon him, and 1t was three
or four minutes before he got up with
red face and flashing eyes, and said: