Newark evening star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1909-1916, 1913-08-11
On the Spur Of
the Moment
BY ROY MoULToN.
Written Exclusively for Evening star.

THE DIARY OF a BONEHEAD
Well, it is all over and the last iee-
cream Socialist has gone home. 1t is
a mystery to me, friend Diary, why
the Ladies' Aid picked on our place
for their lawn social, but they did
and as soon as they decided on our
lawn, we were helpless.
The next time anyone suggests
lawn social on me, I am straightway
going to pillow the lawn and plant
corn.
The social was given for the bene-
fit of the heather of Timbuctoo. 1
believe the proceeds are to buy sus-
penders for the heather who, by the
way, have nothing to fasteH sus-
penders to. These particular heath
ems go about clad in G string and
an optimistic smile. The rich heather
add a string of beads and a plug hat.
F, But it was time for lawn social and
any excuse was good enough.
| A pleasant time was had by all
of the guests, but we got stung and
the heathens got $2.S5.
| There were six dozen Chinese
/ lanterns which had been strung by
| husbands of the ladies, who borrowed
my tools and carried half of them
home absent -mindedly. One man
took my step-ladder home. Prob
ably he showed it into his vest pocket
like one does borrowed lead pencil,
and promptly forgot all about it. The
lanterns caught fire one after another.
| Those that hung near the house set
fire to the house. Five times this hap
pened. Three times ] put the fire out
/ with the fxuf I
called the department. A village fire
| department never does anything by
/ halves. When they had finished the
| first time they had soaked all of the
interior effects of our more or less or
nate home with a two-inch stream,
and the second time they came they
| soaked the congregation out on the
! lawn.
! The committee had furnished two
| gallons of ice cream to feed about
! three hundred persons, and along
about . o'clock in the evening the
dishes of ice cream held about a tea
spoonful each and then there was
| none left for the Woodworking man
! dolin and guitar quartet that had
| labored all the evening on the side
porch with more diligence than re-
spect for the finer sensipilities of the
audience.
| Wmle the social was in progress
burglars went through the second
floor of the house and took my pearl
shirt studs. / don't know how the
burglars ever found them. ] had
been hunting for them for two years,
but had never been able to locate
more than one at a time.
There wasn't a whole piece OF
| crockery left in the house at 10
o'clock. The police had to stop three
fights between fond parents of ire
pressible youngsters and Mrs. Jones's
little boy got his head stuck in the
freezer can when he dove in for some
ice cream, and the tinsmith had TO
come and cut it off from him.
We don't know how much the ice
cream social cost us, and we would
rather not know.
Personally j would be in favor OF
sending the ice cream direct to the
heather abroad instead of retailing
it to the heather here at home.
Sometimes l wonder how we have
the right to call those poor innocent
foreigners heathens anyhow. They
never held an orgy as heathenish as
an ice cream social on the lawn OF an
innocent bystander