New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1913-06-03
AS | WAS SAYING

Not since pigs is Pigs" has anything half as
funny Booth Tarkingtons "Penrod and the Pa
geant' burst whoopingly upon us, nor anything
half benencent Comes just at the moment when
a congress Of embatted DANES is demanding lower
steps for We do not want lower steps. The
ancestral passion for tree-cmbing is still hot with
in u.s. and life treeess mainly that car
steps are a grateful relief The higher. sleeper and
more terrifying. the better
Now observe how Penrod cuts in 10 protect our
interests. The embatted DANES argue that their
clothes comical enough already without the ad-
dtonal comicalites involved in climbing. So?
Then let them consider the clothes of Penrod
Arrayed for the Pageant. was he not every bit as
catawampously ridiculous as the embattled danes?
We think yes. And how did he manage? An, so
simply! Merely by initiating that resourceful urchln'
an embattled dame fit herself for publication
under any and all circumstances.
Madame obey the fashions Wear the costume
they prescribe But conceal II beneath suit OF the
janors overalls.
Thanks to that peculiar little affair at Marquette
his old popularity is returning, and We dread to
think how many drinks will be named for him.
Bats are up The mosquito is fast cultiyatinG
taste for us Mankind has wound its gaudiest gay
necktie around it's straw hat. In word. summer
the adored season OF dleness and travel Is upon
US; also that hardy annual, AS for myself mean
to see my country first"
Now when It comes TO patriotism. we trot with
the American bald eagle himself. We are great on
patriotism convinced that ours is splendid and
marvellous land-bounded the north by the
Yonkers frontier. bounded the south 10y the most
beautiful Of bays bounded the east by the noble
river Of that name bounded on the west by the
lordly Hudson.
We do not blame man FOR being in haste to wit
ness such superb country. But. meanwhile We
drop a tear for the uckess races Of Europe. who
are kept waiting so long for chance to witness
him.
Slowly. slowly another train passed ours and
pretty girl on II made eyes at us. We regard this
as a cowardly act
The correspondence schools have not been idle
This months magazines simply overflow with their
bewitching enticements Be an ash-man; big money
I'm twelve easy lessons. Learn burglary; pleasant
employment FOR your evenings. BE a e-walker
wire furnished free after the hftyhfth tumble. BE
violinst, mayor an etcher giraffe Anything
in fact
Perhaps there turks humbug here. Can't say
Yet wild times we have had just by sending post
cards 10 these temples OF far-hung learning and
counting their literature" Try IT, Then flee. Hide
in a secret Granny Of some forgotten wilderness
Otherwise those appeals onslaughts, toadyisms and
special offers to you alone because we know you
have genius will all but bury you alive.
Have you an enemy? Send his name to six or
eight hundred correspondence schools That is, un-
less YOU prefer the more humane vengeance that
some wicked fellow has wreaked upon our Cousin
Reggie Alas. poor Reggie Still inquiring around
10 discover why all the bichorde Of gold Institutes
all the anti-morphine establishments, all the bald
headed cures and all the obesity dscouragers have
opened up on him simultaneously
How Joyous this project for n Museum OF the
Drama! Thus when our little ones grow big they
will be enabled 10 form some fairly adequate idea
Of a lost art
For the Drama is catching IT, all around. what
with Mr. Hammersten growing tobacco and Mr.. Nat
rant and belted earls and such marrying our chorus
ladies by thousands, and moving pictures Staying
the ''ne-child me-chld" melodrama, where, for 80
many bllssfu years the villain still pursued her, 1t
is high time that few remaining specimens of the
Drama we're preserved in alcohol
Happy the humorist who can laugh at his own
sorrows. AS piano playing in the next fiat at
midnight" writes Uncle Methuseah. 80 is the man
,ho boasteth himself to know women. For the
neighbors shall knock nightly till he be silenced
Nevertheless We boast that we know the great
essential truth about the dear things namely, that
whatever is known to be true isn't. II. l.. II.