The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-12-21

and doesn't know b from bull frog In
the matrimonial alphabet. slaps you sud
denly on the back and roars:
Hello there, Sam. Just heard Mrs
Brown was out of town. Bet you are
having some time. Now, 1 know where
there is a little game"
And you had to go and insult your very
best friend.
No married man will question the state
ment that poker, while a great game,
Is a mighty poor substitute for a WIFE
Now. have been undergoing this sort
OF thing for four weeks and to be inele-
CANT but expressive, ut has got my goat"
felt as though I must tell someone my
troubles or become violent. And then
there Is the house. No man would live
In pigsty by choice But house
with lone man in 1t soon gets as near
that condition as 1t is possible for a
house to become. Most women when
they leave home are possessed with the
idea that burglars will break into the
house while they are away and steal
everything that isn't nailed down. Con-
sequently they hide everything they can
move. And probably they will hide 1t so
darn well that you can't find 1t with
search warrant Mine did. She left me
one towel and a pair of sheets.
The towel became dilapidated the sec
ond day, but to save my life I couldn't
locate another one on the premises. Now
1t takes three days for a letter to get
to where my wife Is and three to get
back. I wrote Immediately and in the
meantime that poor towel suffered hor-
ribly, but no more than did T. I got
the answer in the course of events The
| towels were inside the piano. MY wife
explained that they were linen and very
expensive; so she wanted to be very sure
that she would find them on her return
When the sheets gave out telegrapfed
It's cheaper.
Did you ever try to make up a bed?
There are a lot of contrary things in
this world, but for simon-pure cussedness
, commend me to the common, ordinary
bed. The sheets won't spread and will
insist on crinkling up on the far side
and when you attempt to spread on the
Guilt the result Is horrible. I struggled
for Is minutes and gave 1t up as a bad
job Since then I have just crawled In
! and pulled everything in sight on top
of me and let 1t go at that.
1t happens that I work at night at
present. I went to bed the morning after
my wife left with the fond expectati ,n
of sleeping about 10 hours in order to
kill as much time In this way as could
1t was vain hope. Along about o. clock
1t began to happen.
/ verify believe that every agent in
town picked out that particular house
as good field for work. Agents are
peculiarly persistent people. They don't
ring the bell once and then accept the
fact that there is no one at home. They
pretty near pull the bell out by the roots
before they give up. I answered the door
three times. The fourth time I tried a
waiting game but it was no use Peal
after peal rang through the house and
at last l piled out of bed and answered
in disgust A man wanted to sell me a
patent window shade roller. or perhaps
combination potato peeler. I didn't
care for either, but that didn't seem to
bother the man for he continued to talk
and l was forced to interrupt him rudely
before he would take himself off
1t was cold that morning and the wind
whistled around the house about 40 miles
an hour. I was just getting good and
warm and sleepy when the telephone bell
rang. With considerable reluctance /
again arose and went to the phone Was
this Mr.. Smiths residence? 1t was not.
and banged the. receiver down withsun-
necessary emphasis. I was beginning to
get peevish.
The climax came about an hour later
There was another session of ringing. I
answered the door. an agent bowed and
|
der? I had some. Would some .talcum
powder suit me? I didn't use It, Per-
haps toilet water would attract I didn't
care for any. Then the agent drew from
his grip with an expression which in
dicated he thought I couldn't resist this
offered for my inspection a glass tele-
phone mouthpiece, to protect me against
germs The wind was blowing through
that door something fierce and | was not
dressed to face a gale. I didn't want
the mouthpiece. I told him so. He un-
dertook to convince me that did. When
he went down the steps he was a highly
indignant man. After answering the tele-
phone and shouting for two minutes into
the transmitter to be informed by Cen
tral at the end of that time, Mistake:
excuse please l acted I left the re-
ceiver off the hook and disconnected the
door bell. Then slept until o'clock.
I haven't but one more complaint to
make and then | am through l like
dogs. There Is something wrong with
the man who does not have one I
am very proud of. The other day for.
got to turn him out after romping with
him while. When I came home from
work he had chewed up pair of shoes.
a hat. lace curtain and two of the
baby's rattlers. I don't know what nv
wife will say. I haven't told her yet.
This morning I got a letter from my
wife informing me she was going to re.
main away two weeks longer This ac-
counts for my frame of mind.
GIRL BEATS BRYAN'S FEAT