davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The San Francisco call and post., 1913-12-13
illustrated By c. II. Dickson

say this for Dan. though; he was
pretty decent about It, He told
me afterward they didn't even fit
him, and If he didn't wear them
with the buttons on the inside,
they itched like fury. I tell you,
it's a mistake - this making a
game of Blind Mans Buff out of
the holiday season-Why. right
now | need a pair of shoes, and
I've been distributing handbills
around the family for week to
that effect Notwithstanding
which / am willing to make a
bet with you, even money, get a
hat-and I'll give odds I don't
get thing In the world to wear
that goes on below the collar"
why don't you come right out
in the open and tell the family
what you want?"
II did that once-I made a list,
/ remember it very we'll
one tie
one pair of garters
one loose leaf memorandum
book
one nail file and
one comb"
Now, you can believe 1t or not,
but those five things stood be-
tween me and perfect happiness
And what do you suppose l
got?''
II don't know"
Guess"
What you wanted"
Don't be an ass. The family
The San Francisco call and post., 1913-12-13

took the lists and day off and
had a wonderful time buying the
presents. paying for them and
sending them home Christmas
morning / arrived. we all went
down TO the big table in the din
ing room and 1 stood little apart
from the rest to see my theory
unfold in triumph.
did it?"
1T unfolded, but regret to re-
mark there were no cries of
Author. Authori,' + confess was
pretty badly disappointed, and
I've learned since that whenever
your family submits you a list of
things they want for Christmas
that list is a warning, and not a
request. In any event. / know my
family took a vote on 1t and de-
cided to go back to the Geyser
System-as Ellen expressed it--as
between the two they'd rather
take chance on a CONFUSION of
Nature"
The San Francisco call and post., 1913-12-13
Bg6@@@nw6SGlg8d f(he Traffic (6p

Corporal" said the Traffic Cop,
stepping down from the box in
order to Timber up a bit, what
are you going to give me for
Christmas"
Il haven't decided" replied the
Corporal, lust what I'll give you.
but whatever it is. you can rest
assured it is a duplicate. You
know, if had my own way no
one would be allowed to give a
Christmas present unless it was a
duplicate
AT that rate" yawned the Traf-
fic Cop, i've had my last Christ
mas. never received more than
one present in my life"
Have you ever given more than
one2-
Many a time"
We'll, then, Christmasly speak
The San Francisco call and post., 1913-12-13

Now, when Smith of old 1Iilpitas had
sold out all his truck
At figgers almost high enough to be
accounted luck
Twas Mrs Smiths suggestion that
in order to achieve
Success in Christmas buying, for the
city he should leave,
Where the DO Your Shopping Early
sign in frequency galore
Displayed its transplendendence on
emporium and store.
But Smith is some conceited, so he
let on fer to know
There was ample time fer tradin' and
allowed he'd take it slow"
TO all this advertisin' talk he "reck-
oned he was wise,
An when he got good ready he'd per-
ceed to make his buys"
So while Mrs. Smith sot frettin' as
she thought of bargains great,
Old Smith kept smokin' of his pipe,
nor dreamed of bein' late.
Twas the last day before Christmas
when Smith, elder, hit the town
An began perambulatin of the streets
both up an down;
But everywhere he tried TO buy the
clerks was peeved an sore,
The stocks was mussed, the goods was
soiled. from many handlin's DER.
An, while Smith tried his dumbdest,
all he got was the worst
He had to take the leavin's Of the
folks that got there first
For Tommy Smith the, old man bought
a ball without a kiver.
An Mamie Smith for Christmas had a
dolly minus liver,
While Georgia Smith. astonished,
looked at horse without tail,
An Jimmy Smiths one legged monk
caused juvenescent walls.
Poor Mrs. Smith, a gentle soul, gazed
on a soiled dress pattern;
She knew when she had made it up
she'd look like any slattern.
The box of candy fer the crowd" was
smashed and looked like glue,
The corset for the hired girl was
nearly torn in two.
The pipe the hired man desired had no
hole through the stem,
While Smiths new pants were shy
leg. there was only one to them.
An all old Smith could say to this was
to assert, because
A buugine had collided with good old
Santa Claus.
Now Mr.. Jones and his good wife.
who know just what's o'clock.
Had early bought their little ones the
best they found in stock.
So it happened when the kids of each
was a-showing Of their toys,
The ensuin' comparisons was provo
catfye of noise.
For ali the little Smithies was not
only deeply peeved,
But their lachrymose expressions
showed that each was sorely
grieved.
So Smiths four infants asst their Pa,
in no uncerting tones
The why the smash to Santa Claus
had missed the kids of Jones;
An why the Smiths was singled out
fer the crippled in the wreck,
When Jones' tribe had drawn the best
there was in all the deck
An they made things SO unpleasant
that to dodge the hurly burly
smith had to tell the truth and say
he'd neglected to shop early.
Jest antecedin' this here fuss, Smith
brood had the Illusion
That Santa Claus was the real thing
this spilled their fond delusion,
An when q dream Of child Is sp'iled'
The San Francisco call and post., 1913-12-13
What is Fame !?

They are telling in Westchester a
story about Richard Harding Davis
and Gouverneur Morris.
These two noted writer's. 1t appears.
were motoring the other day. and
stopped at an inn for luncheon. The
luncheon was excellent. and after it
was over Mr.. Davis went out to look
over the car, leaving Mr.. Morris alone.
Mr. Morris, in fine spirits from his
fine meal, said genially to the land
lord:
Landlord. you'll be interested per-
haps to know that my companion is
Mr. Richard Harding Davis"
The landlord tried his best to look
impressed and interested.
You don't say?" he remarked. And
what business might he be in?''
A few minutes later Mr.. Morris took
his seat in the car, and Mr.. Davis re-
mained behind to settle the bill. As
he counted his change. Mr.. Davis in
his turn said to the landlord:
Landlord. my friend there is Gou-
verneur Morris.
Again the landlord looked impressed
and puzzled.
Morris? Morris?" he said The
name sounds familiar. Meat line, ain't
1t. sir3'
The San Francisco call and post., 1913-12-13

all got together and bought me
elegantly bound. I'll admit-'The
Rise and Fall of the Roman En-
pire.' Now, don't know if you've
ever tried to keep your socks up
with the history of Italy or tried
to decorate your collar with a few
of the extracts taken from the
night life of Julius Caesar, or to
keep your hands presentable by
committing to memory the names
of a lot of famous martyrs. but if
you haven't, | can tell you, as man
to man. it can't be done
How do your family go about
lido they give you a lisit of
The San Francisco call and post., 1913-12-13

They are telling on Broadway a
story about Eddie Foy and George
Cohan.
Foy and Cohan, one autumn after
noon. sat side by side in Fifth ave-
nue. bus when a fat, gaudily dressed
man entered. his manicured and
rings
George" said Foy. II don't like
that fellows looks. and I'm going to
make him get out before we reach
Madison square
All right, Eddie" said Cohan,
calmly.
Foy fixed his gaze on the fat mans
glittering hands. and a change came
over his face. His eyes became dull
The San Francisco call and post., 1913-12-13

This is the limit" he said, appeal
Ing to the other passengers. idiots
riding in omnibuses. Amt that the
limit, friends
But Foy leaped to his feet. "Ring,"
he roared, and he leaned on the fat
mans shoulders. Give me ringt'
Cohan now seemed to lose all pa
tience.
''Oh, hang it," he said, 'give him a
ring or two. and let us have some
peace. Can't you see I've lost my
power over him.
But the fat man, tearing his pudgy
hand from the persistent Foy's craps,
rose and ran full tilt for the door.
Conductor. stop" he shouted.
And he leaped off two blocks be-
fore Madison square was reached
The San Francisco call and post., 1913-12-13

and staring. His jaw hung slack and
loose.
Me want rings! he shouted sud
denly, and he pointed to the fat mans
hands. and at the same time jumped
up and down in his seat and waggled
his elbows up an down in the air. just
like a baby. Ring" Me wan ringn
Cohan took the cue al once.
Hide your hands" he said quickly
to the fat man. "Your rings bother
him."
The fat man frowned uneasily, but
he would not hide his hands
Ring. Ring Me want ring." re-
peated Foy, and Cohan. as he strove
to hold his friend still. said.
Don't give him a ringr'
The San Francisco call and post., 1913-12-13


which grows fast enough to get
rough before it stops being cute
should get its disciplining while
it is in long clothes"
You don't believe in giving
Christmas presents then? ] sup
pose you are one of these char
itably inclined, ingrown SPEND
thrifts who would like to go
through life considering Christ
mas nothing more nor less than
a Sunday that didn't have the rest
of the week with 1t. Personally
/ am great believer in making
it day of remembrances."
Sure" said the Corporal,
that's fine-a day of remem-
brances-and I'll say this for my
last Christmas, I am still being
remembranceds for what l gave
And for what you received?"
''The only thing ! received last
Christmas came from my daugh-
ter Julia, who gave me something
her Mother wanted"
.'And what did you give her
Mother?''
II don't remember what 1t was,
The San Francisco call and post., 1913-12-13

Huh. I guess I won't" growled
the gaudy fat man. Give him a ring,
indeed" And he looked at his dia-
monds complacently
Foy's eyes were now shinging. His
face was red and controted. He
hoped up and down and waggled his
arms more vehemently than ever. ME
want ring." he roared. Ring! Ring.
Ring,"
For heavens sake" said Cohan,
hide your hands, man. Don't you see
you're bringing on one of his spells.
Hide your hands. or. by heavens. 1
won't be responsible for the conse-
quences."
little pale by now, the fat man
reluctantly put both hands behind his
back.
The San Francisco call and post., 1913-12-13
SPENDING DAY SAYING
YOU'RE wwELCOMEv

That's, fine. I'll bet you enjoyed
that Christmas"
yes, had a fine day. spent
the morning saying you're well
come and the entire afternoon GO
ing over my dress uniform with a
tape measure trying to figure out
where there was room enough on
the coat to place the number of
stripes it would require to put me
in financial condition so that l
could go up and grasp the glad
tidings by the hand without being
tempted to pick its pockets"
II think you have the wrong
idea, Corporal, figuring Christmas
as an investment. You know the
The San Francisco call and post., 1913-12-13

I'm not jealous
break he edge of tabe)
bill Ny wife is and pretty
B. she is
s know?
By GU
that? Some
al Ah, you SHE'S
BN
lady pardon me- We
B. IT all
No you would wouldn't
all who Perfume Mignon must
be a
him through and closes i)
Afgnon (eomes curtains)-Has he gone?
B. Look out rushes behind curtains)
seeing that
B. IIo
quits Have good time Come
She's dream
o ia
B.-I is.
know?
B-Yo
You with Well goodby, Armande
live enylov to
B.
CSmth Kits and Aignon
The San Francisco call and post., 1913-12-13
A Tal@ Of Christmas
Shopping
By G. M. JACKSON
With Moral Attachment

he loses somepin by It;
Is never jest the same agin: 4 you
don't believe me. try 1t.
So the moral of this tale of woe is:
Don't be slow an surly,
But cheerful like, an peart an smart,
an do your shoppin' early"
The San Francisco call and post., 1913-12-13

w h a t t h e y
want, or do
they just let
you geyser sur
prises on the
morning Of the
twenty fifth? ?"
After years
of the geyser
system they n
nally let me
talk them into
my list theory.
Each and ev-
cry one of
them furnish
ed me with a
neat list of
just what they
w a n t e d for
Cbricfp,ac r
The San Francisco call and post., 1913-12-13
HE Kicks 'Em to Death
Chauncey OIL

Chauncey OIL
cott was a
z u e S t one
night recently
at FL e ! e n a,
Mont, to a
bear supper"
given at the
Helena club
during Mr.. Oh
colts enga ge-
ment at Mon
tana s capital
C i t y. b e a r
m e a [ w a s
served. and on
the stage at
the end of the
banquet hall
there was a
t r e m endous
live bear.
Nobody could
figure out why
the live bear
The San Francisco call and post., 1913-12-13

o

but I remember she took 1t for
Thanksgiving, doubled back on
me for Christmas and sent Julia
ahead to see that l didn't get by
on New Year"
Didn't any of the Family re-
member you, Corporal2"
You bet they did-every one of
them-from December fifteenth up
to but not including the twenty
fifth, they remembered every wish
! had ever expressed out loud and
few that l had never dared take
the muzzles off"
The San Francisco call and post., 1913-12-13
How the Cows Escaped

S u p e ri o r
Judge Thomas
Graham, who
recently re-
turned from a
hunting trip
/ n S h a S t a
county, came
back with con-
S i d e r q b | e
game and a
wealth of an
ecdotes about
h / S expert
ences.
There is a
farmer living
on the edge
of the timber,
where we first
w e n t / n t o
C a m p" said
the j u d & e.
HE has a lot
The San Francisco call and post., 1913-12-13

tr5 = - - ~ ~A
exporter the
B a ] a n c e of
t r a d e is
against you. I
don't X n o w
W h a t t h a {
means. but I've
noticed t h / $
c o u n t ry al
ways seems TO
be suffering
from IL from
the m N u { e
p r e s idential
Cand ! d a. I G s
h av e b e e n
named. Civ
/ n g presents
at Christmas
was a great
idea once, but
( h e Y should
have kept it
in short pants
The San Francisco call and post., 1913-12-13

On the morning after we had
pitched camp we were aston
ished to note that every COW in
the pasture wore big white
blanket On the blanket in bold
black letters this sign was
printed:
Don't shoot me. am a
cowr"
The San Francisco call and post., 1913-12-13
By Larry Harris

WAS the present success?"
Yes and no. 1t seems in the
excitement they spent so much
time in keeping 1t from me that
they forgot to put 1t in the oven
and in hiding it from me they
overlooked the Baby-with the
result that when the great day
came. and ! was called down
stairs to see the Master Piece, |
put an awful crimp in the pro-
ceedings by paying more attention
to the Kids finger prints than to
what would have been a spray of
violets, if it hadn't been for the
frost. I'll never forget that
Christmas-we all went to differ
ent Masses and when dinner time
came the Turkey was the only
thing at the table that could have
said Merry Christmas without
having Mysteries. AS far as our
family is concerned. you are per-
fectly safe in considering China
Paining a lost Art"
The San Francisco call and post., 1913-12-13

with anything from a runaway to
a riot, but when 1t comes to hav-
Ing to look pleased when you get
something you wouldn't wear
even to fill an election bet, I'm
not Thereon even thereabouts.
Why, two years ago my entire
family went into secret session
to point where If any one spoke
above a whisper it sounded like
reporting progress on the Stock
ton street tunnel. And what do
you suppose 1t was all about?'
II haven't the faintest idea"
cit appears my wife's Mother
had been taking lessons in China
Painting and. as they say in ar
tistic circles, was brewing bowl
-or something like that"
The San Francisco call and post., 1913-12-13
The Girl In the Taxi
At the A1cazar

(Scene-A private room in the Cafe Churchill,
New York. BERTHE Stewart (Bert LytelD and Mig
Smith (Evelyn yaughan) dining tete-atete
when Herman Cripps, the latter's husband,
national. guardsman and manufacturer of per-
fumes. Unexpectedly arrives and Mignon hides be-
hind a curtain)
Smith Cooking table)-Service for two. You
expect lady?
Bertie-Yes, but she isn't coming
Smith-Well. if she's not coming I'll take her place.
(Sits a tablet
B.-But dear sir
S-oh, I'm not going eat at your expense. Each
pays himself. What's your name? (Eats)
B.-Pve forgotten.
s Crises surprised)-what, forgotten your name?
B (stammers)-No. lists DuvaL
S-Ah Armande? Come down, Armande Duval
Who is your Camille? My dear Duval behold in me
two men-the manufacturer of perfumes and the sol
der I'm gentle, peaeeful-in the camp, ter
rible ferocious. I have wife.
B.-Indeed, you have.
s. (suspiciously)-How do you know?
lust told M
The San Francisco call and post., 1913-12-13
TELL THE FAMILY
WHATS WANTED

THAT must have been pretty
tough-what else did you get?"
THAT was ALL really needed
some underclothes, and from what
! saw in Dams room before I
went to bed / guess that when
they marooned me, after the
bowl incident, the rest of the
crew went into the hold of the
ship and divided the cargo. I'll
The San Francisco call and post., 1913-12-13

old adage. 1t
is more bless
ed to e ! v 9
t h a n to re-
ceive. / won
der who ever
I h o II & b t OF
that?''
Some prize
fighter, prob
ably. Now, I
d o n t want
you to get the
idea that / am
against giving
presents, be-
c a u s e I am
not. But what
! do object to
is this under
ground system
of secrecy. i
a m perfectly
willing to take
l. = =.
The San Francisco call and post., 1913-12-13
CAN'T Make A
MISTAKE WITH A KID

christmas is fine time for
Kids. though. Every time / look
in window during the Christ
mas season l want to mortgage
my Future and take 1t home to
the Youngsters. Corporal, do you
remember when you used to hang
your stocking up?'
you bet l do--and I've always
been thankful that human beings
had two feet, because when | was
a Kid If It hadn't been for the
The San Francisco call and post., 1913-12-13
6 .,11u x,.xa BY rMam L.P
LIP

When Santa Claus began his tours,
About the year of Adams fall,
There were few children, such as
yours
Or mine, on whom he had to call;
But he was then, as he is now,
The Santa Claus of giftful hands.
So he decided to endow
The primal uncompleted lands
With what they would thereafter
To be attractive spots to man.
He filled his bags with wondrous
seed,
To plant where nimble waters ran;
He packed assorted scenery in
Convenient bundles to disburse;
He took the metals, silver, tin
And gold, to fill nations purse.
He started in the distant east
And scattered gifts on every
hand,
And here he left the seed for feast,
And there he left summer land;
He gave the Alps to Italy,
To Greece he gave an azure sky,
The Rhine he left to Germany,
In Boston town the hot mince
piel
St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1913-01-29
Wanted. For Sale. Etc.

[smalI advertisements win be insert
co In this column at the rate OF two
sertions.l
TENEMENT to rent. % Main street.
FusNsrEEp RooM p rent. hot water heat.
FoR SALE. Rich little meadow farm four
miles out. near neighbors and school. Spring
water. Mail and telephone connections. H.
this Office.
PAra or two horse sledS for sale las Rail-
road street.
/ A MAN to run a trip hammer. x sod wages
steady work. JAS. AHERE. Barre. VI.
WANTED by March or April a desirable
tenement on the plain Post Ufhce Box 1sa.
TEL 1911,
For SALE. Complete Welsh Pony Rig.
wagon. sleigh, hsrncss. and saddle Pony
kind and a fine driver. john MCCLELLAN,
Barton. VT.
FoR SALE. six good cows, two registered
Rbod p Isa SsV Sea sia ou pups Eve 6
ERINe, *. #. D. 3, st. Johnsbury, VT
MRs. C ]. HEoE, professional nurse, 20
st. Mary Street. N. E, Telephone 476-i2.
WANTED. Roof cleaning. O. Il. MEADKR,
N. 3. phone 1871.
FAInBANKs STOCK for sale. J. M. cADH.
Republican Bldg.
For SALE. A nice large buffalo robe. c.
c. Binghom.
ROOMS for storage of furniture. Also eel
lar room. Apply to A. 4. CoURsELL a. Som
SO r. r. st.
Four GOOD HOUSES for sale. c. E. KIRK.
A LARGE pleasant front room TO sent at
30 M ain street. Gentleman preferred.
FURNISHED RooM to rent at rs Summer
street.
MEN WANTED at once to learn auto re-
repairing and driving by mechanical Garage
and road experience. Positions at good sal
arY after learning Positively the only rriia.
bic and successful auto training ever given i'm
M aine. We produce satisfactory results,
Write for Photos. booklet OF Instruction De-
partment and Special terms. MAINE AUTO
Co., +5e Fore ST.. Portland, Me.
VACUUM CLEANERS tor sale or to rent at
4cLRAN's SToRK. SO Railroad st.
St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1913-01-29


spend the time in study at Columbis
University. Miss Josephine Hardy
of Winterport, Me-, has been en-
gagged to fill the vacancy caused by
Miss Hough's absence. Miss Hardy
is a graduate of Wellesley College.
She has two years experience teach
ing in high schools and has spent
one year in Germany and France.
Miss Hardy will begin her work on
Thursday CT this week.
Last Thursday and Friday the
regular exercises OF the school were
suspended and the time given over
to the semester examinations. The
cards will not be ready for distribu-
ton until Monday or Tuesday of
next week.
Next Saturday evening it is ex-
pected that Rockland Military acad-
envy will send a basket bali team to
play the Academy boys. Friday eve
ming the team plays Derby a return
game.
St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1913-01-29
CHURCH NOTES.

First Church of Christ, Scientist, Ply
THAN Building. Sunday morning service
1O.45. Subject, Love" The reading
room is in the same building aud j.
open daily. except Sunday. from $50 to
5 pm. also Saturday evening from to
100 to 9.
At st. Andrews church Sunday
morning Rev. Edward P. Lee as
sisted in the service and the sermon
was preached by Rev. D. L. Sanford,
the diocesan missionary.
First Baptist church, Sunday
1870 a. M, subject: "A Niche for a
Man and the Man for the Niche" z
p. M, the pastor will begin a series
of four addresses on Adam, as fol-
lows: Adam, How God Made Him;
Adam, Why God Made Him; Adam
What He Left His Children; Adam,
The First and the Second The sub
ject for next Sunday evening will be
Adam, How God Made Him -
Wednesday afternoon at two o'clock
in the chapel, Ladies' missionary
meeting; Wednesday evening, mid
week service, subject, How to De-
velop the Inner Life"
Church of the Messiah, Uni
versalist, Rev. Alvin Smith of Con-
cord will preach on Sunday morning
and lecture in the evening in the YES
try. Boy Scouts Tuesday evenings.
Rehearsals for Young Peoples choir
Monday and Thursday evenings. The
annual church meeting and roll call
Wednesday evening. 1t is expected
that Revs. Fortier and Reardon will
be present to address the meeting
The pastor desires to call the atten-
ton of every member of the Mems
League and every man of the church
to the address to be given by j. N.
Barss of Vergennes on Thursday
evening in Pythian Hall.
Preaching service in the school
house at Summerville at three p. m.
next Sunday.
St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1913-01-29

Owen Somers who went TO the
Northwest last spring returned last
sunday Mr.. Somers does not care
to make his permanent home there.
still he intends to go back there
in the near future.
Last week Mr. and Mrs. William
Brock presented the library with he
history of Vermont bound in four
volumes compiled by Fayette Will
bur.
Miss Hazel Kay who has been sit k
the past two weeks with a hard old
and a touch of pneumonia is better.
Alvin Whittier of Portland. Me-.
a hardware drummer stopped here
a little while last Saturday and call
ed on old friends.
Arthur Aver sprained his hand
last Friday night while playing bas-
ket ball.
St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1913-01-29
GOOD WRESTLING BOUT
WainO KetOnen and Creaser thu
Winners

The wrestling match at The Col
oniaI Thursday night drew a small
house, the lack of attendance being
due in all probability to the fact that
previous events have savored too
much of a frame-up. These who
were on hand for Thursdays match
however, are satisfied that this one
was conducted on the square and
that the better man won.
Waino Ketonen of Worcester and
Jack Collins of Boston were the
principals and an hour of steady
work on the mat was required to
settle the bout Ketonen's strength
proved too great for the willy Col
Inns and the latter as forced to take
the count in straight falls. The first
went AZ minutes and the second
49, u minutes.
In the Creaser-Knapp preliminary
the baggage smasher had things his
own way, throwing Knapp in record
time The first fall was obtained in
three minutes and the second in 35
seconds.