Newark evening star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1909-1916, 1913-01-09
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By Roy K. MOulton
CAUGHT on THE Fly.

New Orleans has established the
commission form of government. Up
to this time the omission form Of
government has been in vogue there,
A Massachusetts man who escaped
from prison seven years ago has
given himself up. The high COST of
living was evidently too much for
him.
A New York woman shot at a
spring chicken and hit her mother
in-law, but the latter doubtless felt
complimented over the mistake.
Scientist says an oysters life is
twelve years, but 1t does seem as
though some of them must last much
longer than that when they lolter
around the church social.
W. J. Bryan has made enough to
build a 100000 home in Texas, and
still some people have the hardihood
to say that talk is cheap.
A New York actor whipped a bar
Der who talked too much. The actors
are the only ones who are allowed to
do that
Those proposed half-cent coins viii
come In handy when some close-fisted
men want to give their wives a
weekly allowance.
A New York court has patched up
a girls broken heart for $40. 000 Those
operations are always the most ex-
pensive kind.
HINTS FOR THE NEW PRESIDENT.
Realizing that President Wilson is
not going to have very much to do
when he grasps the helm of the ship
OF state, we have taken the liberty
have been made by our myriad read
ers for his guidance. Since he was
elected this Pillar of Uplift and Col
umn of Higher Thought has been be-
sieged with suggestions as to legis-
lation needed. Some of them follow:
Make it a crime punishable by fine
and imprisonment to smoke cigar
cites in telephone booth.
Place a prohibitive tariff on inn
ported titles.
Prohibit the transportation of grape
fruit from one State to another.
Make the manufacture of priclSly
Pass a law providing that every
seat in every theatre shall be in the
fifth row on the aisle.
Ten years and 500 fine for every
man who has his photograph taken
with his head resting on his hand.
Prohibit the audible chewing of
gum during matinees.
Life Imprisonment for a man who
fails to shovel the snow off his side
walk.
Make it misdemeanor to wear red
neckties and yellow shoes at the
same time.
SCHOOL FOR POETS.
Our correspondence school is pre-
pared to furnish instructions in
obituary poetry writing, and will
guarantee any pupil enough in three
lessons to enable him to secure a good
position with some newspaper or
granite monument concern. We agree
to teach you TO rhyme heaven with
given" in two lessons, and by the
time you have finished the third les
son you will be able to find a rhyme
for Wilson and Marshall Young
man, what do you find in your pay
envelope? All our graduates are in
high-salaried positions-if they have
been able to get them. There is money
in poetry writing There must be
money in it, because nobody ever got
any out of it.
Old Uncle Pete has cashed in his
checks,
His whiskers froze to a sharp apex
lie slipped and fell
With terrified yell
And stabbed himself in the solar plex
There was an old maid who was
never afraid
To knock all her friends with a
will
The gossip she made was her whole
stock in trade
1t was all grist that came to her
mill.
She caught cold one day and con-
tracted a pain
That stopped her from knocking on
this earth again.
She knocked at the gate of st. Peters
in vain,
And she's probably knocking there
still.
There was a young woman named
Lou,
Who wore a shirtwaist peek-a-boo.