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TaÌˆgliches Cincinnatier volksblatt. [volume] (Cincinnati [Ohio]) 1885-1919, 1913-02-05

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TaÌˆgliches Cincinnatier volksblatt. [volume] (Cincinnati [Ohio]) 1885-1919, 1913-02-05
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The Washington herald., 1913-11-02
BOWSER, HE DREAMS.
It's Simplicity Itself to Live the Simple Life.

old clothes, but Of course it's for you &c
say. I'll have cook boil you yellow
turnip and make some catnip tea fol-
your dinner tonight Have you a head.
ache this morning."
"ot course not. I never felt better IN
my Iife."
I'm glad to hear that. didn't know
but that simple life might be a trial tc
you. but IT seems to be just what you
needed. Shall you sleep on the floor to-
night? Beds are simply a useless ex-
travagance."
You needn't worry about where ]
shall sleep" he growled in reply as he
struggled with his overcoat
III have a tallow candle tonight, and
wen pop corn and play checkers, the
same as the farmers, think IL you keep
the thing up'for month shall become
a convert"
"A-a month"; gasped Mr.. Bowser, as
he felt the wolf of hunger gnawing at
his vitals.
We'll, even two weeks shan't bring
you glass OF cold water to drink before
you go? And why don't you take a crust
Of bread and a piece of suet for your
lunch?"
Had the cat been around Mr.. Bowser
would have shed her blood in gleeful
ferocity, but as she wasn't, and as he
was determined that Mrs. Browser
shouldn't get the best OF him while life
remained, he went his way without n
word. 1t so happened that at the gate
he met the policeman who had almost
collared him for tramp the day before,
and the officer looked him over and de-
manded:
Now, then. have you been begging
at that house?'
IL live there, I'd have you know"
Don't lie to me. old fake! / have my
eye On you, and II catch you tripping
you'n 60 TO the cooler. Hustle along with
you!''
1t was hard blow to Mr.. Browser's 5
simplicity" He fumed and ragged for
the next two blocks, and something hap
pened that brought about the beginning
of the end. The keeper OF a restaurant.
who was standing at his door, beckoned
to him. and said:
Here. old man, IL you'll clean OF the
rest of this snow Ill give you a bite Of
breakfast
you go to Jericho"' was the prompt
and vigorous answer.
what, What's that, Look a-here, you
old Weary Willie, IL you give me any Of
your lip I'll stand you on your head!
The Washington herald., 1913-11-02

well, and Of course that put an end to
the talk of adoption -..
Little Forty-Two'' had been with US
thirteen months, and was, to our figuring,
a little over three years old, when some
of the men who had made their stakes
announced their intention OF going home.
Then the question arose: Whose boy Is
our boy?" 1t was a stumper. Each man
felt thatIhe owned a share in the little
chap, and each man would have been
glad to take him home. We argued and
discussed without avail, and old Uncle
Ben sat there saying never a word, but
his face was as white as, chalk. Little
Forty-Two' belonged to the old man in
every sense, but I believed there would
have been some trouble II Fate hadn't
come stalking up the rocky trail and
halted at our diggings.
This was the way of 1t. Some were
packing up, and some using the pick and
bar, and down near the creek powder
was being used to blast the ledge. 1t was
about 10 o'clock in the morning, and a
blast had been prepared and the fuse
lighted, when from our retreat, full ten
rods away, we suddenly saw Little
Forty-Two'' turn the thicket and run
straight for the blast. He was laughing
and shouting, having been playing tag"
with Uncle Ben. We sprang up and
shouted and screamed, and the boy halt
ed within ten feet of the blast and waved
his cap at US Next instant he was hid
den in the dust and smoke, and when we
reached him some OF the men sat down
and covered their faces He was dead!
Well. that wasn't the end OF 1t. That
afternoon. after Old Ben had made the
poor little body ready for burial and
moaned over II, and while we were dig
ging a grave. the old man went down to
the blast, placed the muzsle Of a revolver
to his heart, and was dead before the
and found him agAini
The Washington herald., 1913-11-02
"LHTLE FORTY-TWO"

Well, now, but weren't we surprised!
You see, we had encountered such a run
OF hard luck up at Point Despair that
one morning we packed up, bag and
baggage, to the last man, and set or
down the trail in search of something
better. well remember, it was hot
July day, and there were exactly forty
one of US.
Seven miles down the trail we came to
what was then called Uncle Joe's Road,
and right at the intersection was where
the surprise hit us. An immigrant family
had strayed from the main party for
some reason which we never ascertained.
and right at the crossing they had been
attacked by Indians. The wagon broke
down there, and there the pioneer made
his defense and fired his last shot. That
he was game we needed no other proof
than that visible to our eyes.
Three great blood spots showed where
three savages had fallen before they
charged. and when they rushed in on
him he had killed or disabled three more
with his revolver.
The family had consisted of five per-
sons and there they lay-hacked, cut,
shot, and a horrible spectacle under that
bright sun and birds singing around US.
1t was horrible heap which We sur
rounded. and for a minute no one spoke.
Then the astonishment and horror Of the
men brought forth deep and angry ex-
carnations, and amidst the rUnpus Uncle
Ben Turner suddenly called out:
stand back,-stand back! Here's q
live young 'unp'
There was for fact Half-hidden un-
der the torn and bloodstained garments
Of its dead mother was boy about two
years old. He had terrible lump on his
head. and as we talked il over We con-
cluded that his mother fell from the
wagon with him in her arms when the
wheel broke down, and that the bump
rendered him insensible. In the excite
The Washington herald., 1913-11-02

kicks only one syllable long If you are
not rising trolley car conductor, then
pray who are you?"
Not a boarder has given you a hint?"
The pictuSe-show fat man said that
I had better have an eye on you!"
And you do not read the papers?'
only the marine news, that 1 may
and green watermelons come in"
And have not a score Of distinguished
persons called on me here? demanded
the gentleman.
Yes, lot Of people have called, but I
thought you might be selling Sunday
school excursion tickets as a side-line.
Who are you, anyhow
ALAS! Alas! One moment, madam"
And he ascended to the room for which
he wasn't paying red and took from a
trunk that hadAbeen lowered from many
& window ar illustrated weekly and
hastened to return. When he stood be-
Tore the lady of the hash trimmings
again he held the paper under her nose
and pointed to picture and sternly de-
manded:
What do you see?'
why, it's your picture!"
And the reading natter
1T says you are Leon Devere."
Go on"
And that you used to be a great actor
until you swallowed a chicken bone at
a free lunch counter"
There is more"
TT says that the bone stuck in your
throat and could. lot and cannot ever
be removed unless the surgeons cut your
head of. The obstruction interferes with
your enmciation.''
And had you not remarked it,
Why. I saw that you had a difficulty
in pronouncing the words Settle up"
Woman, no more of these vile in
uendoes! You have beneath your roof
Leon Devere! I gave my name as George
Stubs because 1 didn't want to abash
any of the other boarders. 1 am the
Gibson summer theatrical manager"
But you owe me for two weeks"
And even now / am getting a COM
pany together TO play Hazel >Kirkle.'
But two weeks board at So"
And the distinguished people who
have been calling me are the members
of the cast"
But your voice is way off, protested
the lady of troubles.
1T is way of to play leads with Lillian
Russell, but not SO far off that 1 can't
The Washington herald., 1913-11-02
SANDY BEND JUSTICE

"This yere court beIn' a court of law
and now open for bizness." said Judge
Hoke, of Sandy Bend. as he looked
around on the crowd. Il will proceed to
cut matters short and save the county
Of DEVILS Elbow $50 in cash by Stain
the case. Over thar on my right sits
that blamed kyote known as Sam
White. He's the complainant in this
case, and he's tryin' his durndest to look
like an abused man. Over thar on my
left sits One Legged Pete, who's half
greaser and half American, and one of
the meanest critters to be found fur a
hundred miles around. Neither one of
'em is wuth plantin' over six inches deep,
and arter the trial this court hopes to
see the pair run outer town on gineral
principles.
This yere court. as is known to most
Of ye, owns the Red Dog saloon across
the creek. 1t ar needless to add thar
drinks, poker and various other things
ar dispensed over thar fur cash, and the
reputashun Of Red Dog ar'-second to
none In this woolly West Last night
was a busy time at the Red Dog. This
court had to help wait on the bar, chuck
three men out OF doors, and pop another,
and when midnight come he went to bed
tired out He had just got to sleep when
u CIllteT sdnOpS up on q bronco and
pounds on the door and yelIs that he
wants jestice.
"'Who is it?' sez I.
Sam White sez he.
What's the hullabaloo?
One Legged Pete has stole my wife
Wan, go m steal some other critters
wife, q
But I wants jestice'
''Yes, durn his hide, he wanted jestice,
anu he wouldn't be satisfied till got up
and agreed to hev One-legged Pete ar
rested He was arrested this mornin'.
and thar's he is I've talked with him.
and I've talked with the woman, and
Pve also had my nose in the statoots fur
an hour or more. Now, then, fustly. as
the woman went away willin'ly with the
prisoner. he didn't steal her. Secondly.
under the statoots OF this territory, a
woman hain't property and can't be
stole. Thirdly. any critter hevin' sich a
humly wife as she ar orter be willin' to
pay so to hev her stole Fourth, Sam
White was right thar when he wife
The Washington herald., 1913-11-02

the slightest move of the youngster
brought the old mans eyes open You
might have expected that Little Forty
Two would dies on our hands. living as
we did, but he never had a moment s
sickness. Old Ben had q way of prepar-
ing nourishing dishes out Of our coarse
provisions, and from the clothing found
with the wagon he was kept comfortably
clad. Old Ben was no dressmaker, and
the boy would have looked queerly
dressed in the States, but as long as he
was comfortable we didn't care for looks.
After the little chap had been with us
a few months, an emigrant family came
along and halted at camp for rest and
theE dinner. 1 said family, but there
were only husband and wife, having lost
two children by death within three
MONTHS
They were bit rough and uncouth,
but seemed good-hearted- No sooner had
they caught sight Of the boy and heard
his story than they began to beg for
him. It put US in an embarrassing po-
sition, as, II they took him away the
woman would be a mother to him, and
I can't say what the decision would have
been had not an incident occurred to de-
eide for all parties.
We were talking the thing over when
one of the horses got tangled up in his
harness, and to our great surprise the
man used such profanity as could not
have been matched in any mining camp
for hundred miles around. He was
still pouring il out when Old Ben raised
his hand and shouted '-
''Stopl Stop! I Not another, oathr'
What's ailing your sneered the
pioneer.
TITS ailing me that this is the first
time our boy has heard an oath since
the day we found him. You ought to
be kicked for such profanity in front of
a childr'
why don't you do 1t. thenr'
Old Ben did IT. and did 1t thoroughly
The Washington herald., 1913-11-02

Jumped on the hoss behind Pete and
rode away. He had a rife beside him
and he's good shot. He could hev
Eplunked the both of 'em and the hoss to
boot but did he do It? No, stree. He
sot right thar and seen 'em 60, and
then he mounts his knock-kneed ole
broncho and rides 'leven miles to pound
on the back door Of the Red Dog saloon
and yell fur jesticei"
Your honor" said Sans lawyer. my
client ar a peaceful. law-abidin'-"
"Shet upI' thundered the Judge. Eve
know Sam White from top to toe, and
the court don't want any Of yer gab in
this case! Has the prisoners lawyer got
any words to shoot off?'
I'VE have nuthin' to say" replied the
counsel
which ar Jest as well fur you. Tom
Thatcher?' growled the Judge. IF you'd
said ten words in favor Of the prisoner
I'd Of sentenced him to be hung. Pete,
We blame ole reptile, what made ye steal
that woman?'
"She wanted to be stole"
Wall, we've got her, and now keep
why didn't ye shoot the smoke-colored
kuss when he come fur yer wife?'
II left him to the law"
"Oh, ye did Well, mebbe it's jest as
well, as the law Is big nun and broad
'nuff to. take keer of both OF ye. When
was elected justice of the peace in and
fur the county of Devils Elbow II was
ginerally understood that everybody could
hev law and jestice by the shovelfuL fe
had the right to pop at Pete, out no
right TO wake this court up. Ye ar
therefore fined $25 and costs, which viii
he about as much more. Ye hollered fur
jest.ce and hcv got it. and II the boys
wasn't goin' to run you outer town fd
double the finel'' Pete. how much money
ye gotT'
About $50
Then III gin ye a dose Of jestice at
the same time. The verdict Is that ye
pay fine of SO fur hein' the cause Of
this yere row. ami as court sdtourns
we'll 20 over 70 my saloon and ye kin
spend SO or SIS more treatin' the crowd.
Somebody bit that Chinaman asleep agin
thc-1yalt fIr contempt Of court in not
keepin' awake. and court will then ad-
journ and rush bizness across ths creek"
The Washington herald., 1913-11-02

81 hope you have good appetite this
evening" said Mrs. Bowser at the dool
the other evening. I'VE have good
roast of beef fit for a king"
Then let the king eat it," was the re-
ply.
why, what's the matter?'
81 told you weeks ago that was
going to quit making hog of myself
and right here tonight Is where I be-
gin"
.'To starve yourself because some few
faddists have?'
mo. To eat sensible things and give
nature a show. It's q wonder that th'
country hasn't depopulated itself long
ago. You and the rest can go on and do
as you please, but I'm going to make
q change. A piece of toast and glass
of milk for my dinner!'
During the evening Mrs. Bowser ar
gued and protested, but 1t was Of no use.
Mr.. Bowser was firm. He had been
human hog for nigh upon fifty years, and
now he was going to become human
being. For half a century he had thought
mostly Of his stomach, but now he was
going to let other thoughts creep in.
He went to bed to dream. He dreamed
of Goldfish, cornmeaI, cold potatoes and
raw turnips. He dreamed Of old clothes,
going barefoot and sleeping on straw
beds. He dreamed that he was trying
to get into q frst-class restaurant
to order juicy steak, creamed potatoes,
asparagus with butter gravy, and all
else good, to be followed by a bottle
of champagne. but that the Rev.
Charles Wagner stood in his path with
sled stake in his hand and warned
him to turn back and be satisfied with
burdock leaves.
Four different times during the night
his groans and yells aroused Mrs. Bow
ser, and when the hour for getting up
arrived he looked like a man who had
been lost in a huckleberry swamp for a
week. She felt sorry for him, and yet
she said
You are ten minutes late this morn
ing, but the cook will have your fried
bread and Goldfish all ready"
Mr.. Bowser glared at her and was on
the point of giving expression to his feel
ings when he remembered he was a
guileless Uncle Rube. He had to sit
down to the feast prepared for him, and
he had to seem to enjoy 1t, but there was
rage in his heart. A dainty breakfast
had been prepared for Mrs Bowser, and
when the odor waited to his nostrils he
felt amazed that he didn't arm himself
The Washington herald., 1913-11-02

"vhell, he likes to get so Dot makes
| a payment on i've tombstones. He VhiIl
come around in two weeks und pay me
back. II he doan' do it den / shall Sell
her for five hoonered dollar. Here-yhat
you do NIT dot lump?'
II was just tossing 1t out in the alley
replied the sergeant, as he gave II q
heave through the open window.
But Why you do dot? Let me pick him
oop, quickr'
Easy Mark" said the sergeant, as he
laid a OBTAINING hand on him. 81 can buy
you all the brass you want at a dollar q
pound! I feel sorry for your
How vhas I sorry for you? Do you
belief dot man chas a shwindler?'
'Of course. 1 do. You have plenty Of
water at the house, haven't youg'
SVhas has dot wasser got to do NIT
him? How do you know dot man vhas
some shwindlers2''
when you go home draw a tub OF
water, put ten pounds OF cornmeal into
It, and soak your head for twenty-four
hours! If you can't soak II or your
neck get somebody to knock it on with
a club"
"seageant. vhas-vhas I tooken in
again?" gasped Hans as he got so weak
in the knees that he had to sit down.
Yes, you have been played again.
That fellow knew you to be the biggest
sucker in the State. which idiot asylum
had yon rather go to-"
$3.50 vhas beatP'
The sergeant lifted him to his feet
and led him to the door and dropped
him on the step. Then he pointed
down the street and said.
IF you think you can't find your
way home I'll send a small boy with
you or write your address on a card"
"Den-den she vhas brass?' mur-
INJURED Hans.
Yes, she vhas brass" replied the
sergeant 60 home, and be sure and
have the water hot and put in plenty
Of bran"
And the cobbler crept away with his
feet dragging and his back bumped
and he turned the corner and vanished
from sight without once looking back
The Washington herald., 1913-11-02

Have dinner half an hour ahead OF
the usual time. Have two fried chickens,
Have ice cream and raislns and nuts
| for dessert. Spare no expense whatever .
There was one more telegram. II came
about O'Clock in the afternoon and II
read:
May bring home two friends with me
for dinner. Have three fried chickens
Have everything you can think OF. Have
regular banquet. and il the cook does
any kicking, raise her salary"
Mr.. Bowser appeared half an hour
ahead Of his usual time. He not only
had on the business suit she had sent
over to him, but he had bought himself
flaming red necktie and a rhinestone
pin. and had his shoes shined as never
before.
well, dear, what Is it2' aueried Mrs
Bowser as he entered the hall
What is what?'
why have you decided not to pursue
the simple life any further"
"I fan to catch your meaning"
You read the Simple Life by the
Rev. Charles Wagner, and you started
out to follow it. Are you going to drop
it?"
I'VE will have a little talk after din
ner. womanr' he replied as he made for
the dining-room, and then Mrs. Bowser
knew what the end would be.
A banquet had been prepared. and
though Mr.. Bowser hadn't brought two
friends with him. he devoured their
share. A ship-wrecked mariner afioat for
two weeks couldn't have been more
ravenous When he was at last through
eating and drinking he led the way up
stairs and turned to her to say:
''woman, this is the dead line!'
"why, what do you mean?"
ct mean that you have crowded me TO
the wall for the last time. I will see
you on board train for your mothers at
10 O'Clock in the morning."
but for why? What have done?
You started out to live a simple life,'
and
"And our respective lawyers can ar
range about the alimony. Should any
one call to see me this evening you may
tell him that am busy and cannot be
disturbed"
And when he had retired to the library
Bridget asked:
was 1t a-readin' of the Simple Life
that made him carry on so. mum7'
st think II was, Bridget"
'"Then I wants to quit me job at once
He may get houid of The Ferocicus
Life and read ii before he goes to bed.
and who's to say he won't getyup and
eat pounded glass and drink vinegar and
chop us all to pieces wild de ak! A-beg-
gin of yer pardon ten times over. mum,
but ye've got strange man on her
hands. '.
The Washington herald., 1913-11-02

dainties, nor little clothes. We looked
from the baby to each other and scratched
our heads, and no man knew what an
other man thought until finally Uncle
Ben called out:
Boys, it's token of good luck. II this
here what-d'ye-call-it don't bring us a
rich find, then we've all forgot our homes
and wives and children" o.,
That's what We were all waiting for
Up went our hats, cheers made the rocks
echo, and the little toddler was one of us
one of forty-two. Graves were dug and
the victims laid away, and we made a
hunt to identify them. II the immigrant
had had any papers with him they had
been burned or taken on, and we found
nothing on the boys clothing which gave
us a clew.
When We were ready to go he stood in
the circle. screaming out as we coaxed
him in turn, but when old Ben finally
advanced the young cub held up his arms
and nestled against his shoulder as IL he
had found his own true father I be-
lieve the rest Of US were a bit Jealous,
but We were also helpless. Ben had a
Kind, fatherly face, quiet voice. and the
boy had only to look into his eyes to
trust him.
AS to the luck. the old man was right
Four miles farther down the trail, the
boy pointed to some flowers growing of
to the right, and right there we halted
and founded what was known for years
as Lost Boy Diggins. IT was the richest
spot for fifty miles around, and all on ac-
count Of Little Forty-Two," as we called
the yorngster. -j-2
As to the boy 4imself. he took to old
Ben in such a way that they could not be
separated. He could be entieed to sit
with one Of US now and then, but It was
plain 70 see that his love was elsewhere.
II Ben wanted a kiss he got dozen,
and all the gold in California wouldn't
have bribed the boy of his knee. At
night his arm was the child's pillow, and
The Washington herald., 1913-11-02

A gentleman who had been boarding
for the last two weeks with a pro-
fessionaI landlady without any evidence
that he could draw his check, was beck
oned aside and asked:
What Of the long green?"
You mean the cucumber" he inno-
Gently Queried-
II refer to greenbacks, SIR"
But why term them the long green?'
Because it takes me a long time to
get any, and / am green enough to take
in a dead beat every few days. You owe
me for TWO weeks. Come downi"
Madam, do you know who l ann"
demanded the gentleman with all proper
asperity.
Il understand that you are a rising
trolley car conductor"
ALAS for fame! Have you not heard
me exclaim POUNDS! as 1 set my teeth
into your beefsteak?'
'T have, but pay no attention to
The Washington herald., 1913-11-02

Then who in blazes is he?'
Hes old Bowser, who lives up or
First Place. He's wearin' them duds
because he's got a new fad"
Mr.. Bowser left the house at $50. Al
s15 Mrs. Bowser received a telegram
reading:
Have fried chicken, corn fritters. and
sweet potatoes for dinner tonight"
Half an hour later came another, read
ing:
Have oyster soup. Have boiled onions
Have rice pudding"
Then Mr.. Bowser rested for an hour
and sent the following:
The Washington herald., 1913-11-02

"vheI, can you expect he has silver
box to carry IL in?' asked the cobbleI
with considerable ascerbity.
''Umi Um! When you heard Of thai
poor family and saw tears in the mans
eyes, you-you-"
Sergeant, vhas some brutes? Be.
cause It vhas wicked world don't
have some kindness left in my heart?'
You have a CARLOAD. / 'spose you
have-that lump OF gold with you?
"Vhell. shust put IL In my pocket, you
know. Here she vhas. Dere vhas more
ash five hoonered dollar in dot lump
init diamonds inside. She weighs shusi
half a pound"
Il see," said the sergeant, as he re-
ceived and inspected the lump.''He
didn't want over IS, did he?'
The Washington herald., 1913-11-02

ment he had been overlooked or thought
dead, and had cried himself to sleep, to
be awakened by the voices Of our men.
The attack had been made early in the
morning, and it was near noon when we
came upon the scene.
Well, the best we could do with the
poor victims was to bury them, but didn't
that boy leave us in a nice fix. There
they were, forty-one gruff, growlish
rough-handed miners, and there he was.