davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Connecticut western news., 1913-01-16
Where the Laugh Comes In
They kept a horse they kept a COW They kept a dog and cat They didn't have to keep a goat, For fatbar cura Nyns tbat

They kept dog and cat;
 They didn't have to keep goat,
 For father, sure, was that.
 He-"If I should kiss you. what would happen?"
 "She-"I should call father"
 He-"Then I won't do it..
 She-"But fathers in Europe. "- Lippircott's.
 Opportunity really knocks at many door"
 "Thep why don't more of us succeed better?'
 "The trouble is that Opportunity wants us to go to work. rk."-EXchange,
 First hospital surgeon-"I have just persuaded my old friend Bobbins to send his wife here for treatment"
 Second hospital surgeon-"What's the trouble with her ?"
 First Hospital Nothing special but she is dandy subject to experiment upon. Life.
 Crawford-"In regard to the turkey trot, what has convinced you that it is vulgar ?''
 Crabshaw-"I fiud it's always part of the performance where they give re- fined vaudeville. Judge.
 "We should all marry our opposites, '" remarked the Wise Guy.
 Did you ever hear of a beardless youth marrying a girl with a hairlip?" asked the Simple Mug.-Philadelphia Record.
 "As the years go by women are grow ing more and more tired of being pur- sued by the men,"
 "l think you are mistaken
 "Why SOP"
 "As the years go by they make their skirts tighter and tighter. "-Boston Transcript.
 II have made a great discovery, " said the scientist. II am prepared to prove that angleworms think"
 "You're wasting time." replied the ward boss. "What difference does it make what an angleworm thinks? He can't vote. Washington Star.
 A woman who liked to pose as a wit sat at a dinner between a bishop and a rabbi.
 / II feel. as If were a leaf between the Old and New Testaments," she said to the rabbi.
 "Yes, madame" he replied "that page is usually a blank one. ."-Ex- change.
 Haven't you a handsomer chafing dish than that?' asked the customer. "You want something even more or namental than this ?''
 "Yes. 1 want one so beautiful and expensive that my wife wouldn't think of trying to cook anything in it. Washington Star.
 Here's. a story about 8. man who owns $30,000 overcoat," said Plodding Pete.
 "Yes," answered Meandering Mike. "An' what's the good of it? A man that kin afford that kind of an overcoat ain't got no need to go to a pawn broker. Washington Star.
Connecticut western news., 1913-01-16
A Sure Cure.

At the recent surgeons convention in New York hammooks were put in pa- tients Insides to hold their stomaohs up, wounds were sewed with sewing machines and Dr Alexis Carrel cut off dogs legs and fixed them on again with perfect ease and success.
 "The way surgery is progressing" said Simen Ford in an awful voice. nobody need ever be given up any more-unless, indeed, it's the case of poor old Sykes. s@a-.
 "'There goes Sykes, one of my clerks said to me the other day. There goes old Bill Sykes as hale and hearty as he ever was. And yet eight doctors have at various times given himup.'
 'Ha. Ina Y I laughed And what did they give him up for, Georgeg
 "'He wouldn't pay his bills the clerk replied. ."-Somerville Times.
Connecticut western news., 1913-01-16
Let Children Remember Others.

May l offer now q suggestion to the children of the rich of this town and others, so that there will be plenty of time between this and next, Christmas for thought and action? Every year. as we all know, there come to the post office in New York hundreds of letters from children to Santa Claus, telling him what they want ill their stockings. They believe in Santa, and knowing that their own home folks are unable to give gifts, they write to the good saint of the Christmas time to remember them.
 These are pathetic letters, nearly all of them genuine, and the postmaster general orders that they be sent to charity organizations. where they may receive attention and may not. Now, my suggestion is that children whom Santa Claus never forgets should or ganize a children's goodwill society, and out of their gifts and the money that they eau easily have take care of these letters from less fortunate children The children Of the poor may not know the difference and care less, but the children of the rich will know and will care and will find pleasure in answer ing these letters with their gifts far greater than that of all their receiving.
 l know of many, many children of the rich who know only receiving, and have never been taught to give, and 1 am sure they would be only too glad to give away many of the surplus presents they receive if they knew how they could do 1t, and what these gifts they do not want might mean to the children who have nothing.-Letter in New York Times.
Connecticut western news., 1913-01-16

table plan; and many more tickets might have been disposed of, had tn dining room capacity permitted.
 Besides Governor Baldwin, the speak CTS on the toast-lIst are among the best known pdblic men in the state, and it is safe to say that no more distinguished galaxy of after-dinner orators will as semble at any Business Mems banquet in Connecticut. this season.
 If any jealous outsider is inclined to doubt that Cauaan is emphatically and conspicuously on the map, glance at the menu and speakers list for the ban quet of 1913 will effectuaIly dispel that doubt.
Connecticut western news., 1913-01-16

If it is true that the attention of the town authorities had been called Ill vain to the fact that the towns hearse was in danger of breaking down for want of certain specific repairs. the distressing episode of last Monday, when the sOmbre vehicle broke down on the road to the cemetery hurled the driver and under taker from their seat and almost upset the casket, should move the authorities to voluntary penance for reprehensible negligence, and spur them on to order prompt and thorough repairs.
Connecticut western news., 1913-01-16
MISCELLANEOUS

AR. PArrES, opttcian Torrngtpn, 'onn. will be at The Gunneld" hotel tho NhrBt, Mon day anl Tuesday afternoons of each month 1T unable Co cali send postal. Consultation free 
 <. R STARK. Nurse. Canaan Telephone lh Q PEABODY -Opthalmic optcian win be nt Mrs. NJ. A. linll's. Falls Village, Jan, l6, 10. CHICKENS; let me hatch yopd' cbicErus this year in Candre Mammoth hot water HtCuha- tor Day old chicks and matching pEas fOr sale. Got some early outlets and hr0ilcrs. Book your orders now. Correspondence in. vted. A. E. Cooley. Cornwall, Conn, .s MISS FINNEGAN'S Evening Dancing Glass, Every Thursday evening at Town Hall
Connecticut western news., 1913-01-16

The value of the Democracy will be judged by the value it sets upon its promises to the people.
 It must pass a workmen's compensa- ton law.
 It must pass an honest direct primary law.
 It must pass laws providing for the in- itiative and referendum.
 It must extend the franchise to women. It must repeal the personal tax.
 It must give home rule to cities.- Bridgeport Farmer.
Connecticut western news., 1913-01-16
NORTH CANAAN HAS

A population Jf 2,171, (census of 1910.) Two railroaas. a.- National and Savings Banks. Trolley railroad extending through the Berkshires to Pittsfeld and beyond. Up-to-date High School and first-class school system.
 Five churches.
 First-class hotel.
 Fire department. including chemical en- zine.
 Ten miles of State Roads. Electric light and power plant, Complete Sewer System.
 Never-failing water supply and the best water iH the state. Wide-awake Business Mems Association. Extensive lime and iron industries. Fraternal and benefit societies. Brass band. Up-to-date department stores. Pure air aud wholesome climate.
Connecticut western news., 1913-01-16
Cent-a-Word Advertisements
 Minimum Charge 25 Cents
FOR SALE

FOR sALE--Business or driving horse, sound and gentle, age and. price right. R, w Dcnns West Cornwall, Ct. Telephone il-a, FOR SALF-Seven.room house. corner Railroad and Bragg Streets, Canaan. Mrs. Frank McCarty.
 FOR sALE-Eightg grade Holstein Heifcrs, from Q to IB months old, Price &ib0.O0,
 E. A. Vosburgh, Salisbury Conn.
Connecticut western news., 1913-01-16

"Team work wins" "Get together. {" "Pull together" "Play the game" The man who IS writing these appeals for the New England railroad folks must have been reading the sayings of Editor Rodemeyer in the Connecticut Western News.-Pittsfield Eagle.
 In that case the writer makes it manI- fest that he possesses a degree of excel lent judgment that entities his appeals to respectful consideration.
Connecticut western news., 1913-01-16
THE EWS' AGENTS

Extra copies of The News are on sale at the oficeof publication and at
 Dempsey's Drug Store, Canaan, Post office, East Canaan. D. II. Oakes' Store. Lakeville, Post Office. Falls Village,
 George T. Johnsons Store Norfolk, F. H. Smith & Co.'S Store Ashley Falls. A. l.. Dickinson. Salisbury.
 J. w. Morgan, Great Harrington, Mass.
Connecticut western news., 1913-01-16

But supposing the legislature doesn't succeed in picking the deadlock before the day of adjournment, in June, and the state is compelled to get along with out any more laws ! Can more calam- itous calamity be imagined?
Connecticut western news., 1913-01-16

The New Haven Railroad company is now experiencing new sensation. The interstate commerce commission is to Id by its own agent that the Greens Farms wreck was not the fault of the manage ment. That's what the management it. self said.-New Haven Journal Courier.
Connecticut western news., 1913-01-16

1T verify believe" says Hall Caine, "that if strong drink conld be wiped out of the earth tonight humanity would wake in the morning with more than half it's sins and sorrows gone," and we are more than half inclined to think MT. Caine's estimate is too low.
Connecticut western news., 1913-01-16

The death of James K. Keene brought to a close the remarkable career of a man who made and lost fortunes, who feared not to stake his last penny and who played the game to the limit and never quibbled Few follow such life and win more than they lose. Few are adapted to its varying successes and failures. We would advise no young man to attempt to duplicate it,-Ansonia Sentinel.
Connecticut western news., 1913-01-16

The rush of Christmas shoppers was pretty bad again, but it was some satis- faction when a woman trod on your toes, that you accidentally were able to paste her in the eye with your elbow.--New Haven Union.
Connecticut western news., 1913-01-16
rELEPHoNE: CANAAN t2a RING
AS AN ADVERTISING MEDIUM

The News should appeal with special force to the sagacious business man.
 It has an extensive circulation in Western Connecticut, and especially throughout Litch- field County and Southern Berkshire.
 It has competent staff of wide-awake cor respondents in the various towns to report the local doingS each week. and goes into the homes and is perused by the entire families of the thrifty, intelligent, reading class of people whom the long headed advertiser most desires to reach.
Connecticut western news., 1913-01-16

Conscience IS what tells man when he is doing wrong"
 That may be true in your family. " replied MT. Meekton, but my wife's name is Henrietta. Washington Star
 Can't something be done to make this hunting trip less dangerous?" asked the timid man.
 "Well." replied the guard, If you want real goo1 time, you just let me take along few packs of cards and the refreshments and forget to take along the guns and cartridges. Washing ton Star.
Connecticut western news., 1913-01-16

Reports from various towns state that the Adams Express Company is being badly hit by the parcel post service. The assurance gives au added zest to the joy of longsuffering people.
Connecticut western news., 1913-01-16

Up goes the price of gasolene again. It seems ambitious to reach the denatur- ed alcohol figures. At this rate users of internal combustion engines will be obliged to switch off onto Kerosene, which will in turn get the price-hopping habit as soon as it becomes something that must be had Bristol Press.
Connecticut western news., 1913-01-16

A thoughtful citizen has introduced a bill in the legislature placing $5 tax on all bachelors over s years of age, the proceeds to go to indigent spinsters What do the suffragettes know about that? -Pittsfield Eagle.
Connecticut western news., 1913-01-16

. Get Together. Pull Together. That's the way to make @ town that attracts Governors and other notabilities to it's social functions.
Connecticut western news., 1913-01-16

Looks as if MT. Sulzer. over i'll York State. was laboring under the apprehen- sion that he is really the Governor of the state.
Connecticut western news., 1913-01-16

It may be all right to expect the rural delivery carrier to deliver the wash-tub by parcels post, but don't make him set it up in the basement and draw the water.-Hartford Post.
Connecticut western news., 1913-01-16
SHARING.
BY EMMA RoDEMEYER WAIT

Oh, share your joy with others.
 And let your light shine out If all would hut join forces,
 'Twould put earth's gloom to rout. If each would be helper.
 If each would lift load. How soon the beauteuus sunheams,
 Would brighten all life's road. So share your joy with others,
 And you will surely find This great world filled with gladnesS, And that hearts are true and kiud.
Connecticut western news., 1913-01-16
WANTED

wANTED-I5,O 900 cords of lime kiln wood,
 Address. Box 202, East Canaan. Conn, wANTED-Ionng man Co work in general store. One having experience preferred,
 Address, Store, Care Conn. Western News, WANTED "A maid to take charge of small cot- talye adjoining school. Apply Co Taconc School. Lakoyille, Conn, N
Connecticut western news., 1913-01-16

The tariff revision is to be fixed by "facts, not fear" The great trouble is that facts are even more difficult to corral than the other thing.
Connecticut western news., 1913-01-16

Not a cabinet place has been offered yet to anybody and the field is open. Go early to avoid the rush. Governor Will. son is there.--Bridgepor Standard.
Connecticut western news., 1913-01-16

Judge Archibald should have done what Artemus Ward said he would do if he were drafted into the army-re- sign.
Connecticut western news., 1913-01-16

The royal Gould girls are coming across the water to see their sensible sis- ter marry 8 real man.
Connecticut western news., 1913-01-16

Tonight is "Governor's night" in Ga Daan.
Connecticut western news., 1913-01-16

That horn doesn't blow sir, ," said the friendly salesman.
 Wrap it up." said the grouchy man. That the kind of horn l want. "- Louisville Courier Journal.
Connecticut western news., 1913-01-16

Subscribers are requested to notify the pub- fsher promptly of any failure to receive papers regularly, changes of residence etc.
Connecticut western news., 1913-01-16

A hystericar boy and a loaded shot gun are a bad combination.
Connecticut western news., 1913-01-16
WRiTE.A LETTER ABOUT

Communications on subjects of general inter est to The News readers are invited, but nc attention will be paid to anonymous letters.
Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1913-03-21
chise. That the proposition viii ever
prevail is doubted.

~
= 4 \
There are more ways than one of
whipping the "old fellow" around the
stump and the house and senate mem
bers have found the latest method in
the passage of a bill increasing the
number of judges of the supreme court
to seven. The bill has been signel by
Governor Eberhart and Judges DibeIl
Of Duluth and Taylor of st. Cloud have.
been named for the positions. An in
crease in the size of the court is inn
possible under the constitution and
this the two legislative bodies got
around by creating two Offices to be
known as supreme court commission
ers. They are to have the same pow
ers and duties as the constitutional
members and to draw the same salary.
$1,000 year.
j. \ 4
r. G. Dunn's county assessor bill,
which passed the house early in the
session, went by the board Thursday
when the senate gave it a decided
quietus Many amendments were at
| tempted and finally the opposition
gave it the blow that put it out of
business. Another Dunn to suffer a
reverse was H. H. Dunn of Albert Lea,
whose bill amending the present anti
trust act was defeated. The farmer
| members got it into their heads that
the bill hit the country, and that set
tied It.
| Minnesota is to have sixth state
normal school. The house has agreed
| to its establishment and the senate,
i 1t is said, will concur. The new school
is to be located in one of the upstate
counties.
The latest thing proposed in auto
mobile legislation.is a chauffeurs' ex-
aiming board to be composed Of one
man from each legislative district, A
per diem of SIS a day is provided, with
an $1,000 salary for the secretary.
Kerry Conley of Rochester is backing
the proposition.
/ j. X X
The present hospital for inebriatee
| at Willmar is maintained through 2
per cent tax levied against all liquor
license money. The house and sen
ate is considering proposition to In
crease the tax to 4 per cent, Some
want the hospital turned into an In
sane asylum
THE COUNTY CHAIRMAN. :.
Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1913-03-21
SELECT NEW AIDES
Minnesota Law Creates Two Supreme
Court Assistants.

Minnesota Law CFeaSoe TWO supreme
Court Assistants.
Judge Homer B. Dibell of Duluth
and Judge Myron D. Taylor Of
St. Cloud will be the frst supreme
court commissioners Of Minnesota,
under the provisions of the act which
became law with TIE signature Of
Governor Eberhart. The announce
ment of the selection of the commits
sioners was made by the supreme
court, which is authorized to appoint
the court commission.
Women working in telephone and
telegraph establishments will have
shorter hours than their sisters in
manufacturing industries or in mer-
camille employment if the senate and
the governor agree to bill passed by
the house. It provides an eight
hour day for women employed in tele-
phone or telegraph establishments, a
nine-hour day for women employed in
mechanical or manufacturing estab-
Hshments and ten-hour day for WON
en- employed in mercantile establish
ments and restaurants ~
Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1913-03-21
PENSION BILL FOR MOTHERS
Measure Passes Lower Branch Of Min
nesota legislature.

Measure Passes Lower Branch OF Min
nesota Legislature.
The mothers pension bill passed the
lower house of the Legislature by q
vote of 81 to IL. The vote was taken
after q spirited fight against the bill
led by Representatives Thomas Frank.
son and f. L. Klemer. e
Representative W. A. Campbell, the
author, assisted by several other mem
hers, made a gallant fight for its
passage. winning out by large mar
gin.
The bin was amended slightly low
ering the maximum age of children for
whom mothers may receive pensions
from seventeen to fourteen years.
Award of pensions is in the discretion
of the court, up to SO pei. month per
child, in cases where it is desirable to
keep children with a good mother
rather than send them to an institu.
ton at public expense. Pensions are
paid by the county and are half REIN.
burGed by the state. @
Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1913-03-21

centers OF the state will undoubtedly
be. able to tell some interesting
things in a vice way if forced.
Cities of the fourth class now have
the right of local option. The SEN
ator Clague bill extending it to them
was passed by the house last week
and was duly signed by Governor
Eberhart. This session of the legis-
lature has not been overstrong in the
way of temperance legislation. All
It's efforts have been along lines so
radical as to make the proposed
measures almost impossible Of en-
forcement and their defeat has been
natural.
Representative Campbell, known as
the Minneapolis fire eater" has
brought to light new form of brib-
cry. He was approached with $500
worth Of editorials in a leading Twin
City paper if he would drop certain
bill, and he Indignantly refused. This
is what he told the house last week
in confession before that body. This
confession he later embodied in a
sworn AFFIDAVIT, which he fled with
the house. Later he modified his
statement to the effect that the value
of the editorials he was to get was
not stated, but that he figured they
were worth $500.
i. !. +
The mothers pension bin, which
Mr.. Campbell fathered and which has
since passed the house, was the bill
which Mr.. Campbell was asked to
give the double cross. The promise
of the editorials came from a man
connected with Minneapolis charity
and the reason of his interference,
Mr. Campbell claimed, was because
organized charity wanted to handle
the pension funds and distribute them
under its direction. The Minneapolis
mans estimate of the value OF the
editorials perhaps was rather far
fetched, but that does not stand in
the way of the statement that organ
ICED charity has been making an ef-
fort to get It's hands in the public
trough via the mothers and depend
ents' pension bill. If there ever was
cold blooded affair it is the organ.
ICED charities which flourish in the
big cities.
The poor mans butter, oIeomargar
ine, received a decidedly black eye
when the house sent to the senate the
Dunn bill regulating its manufacture
sale and use. Any resemblance Of
color is knocked out of the substitute
by the bill and this even extends to 9
prohibition of the use. OF ingredients
that would go toward making the sub
stitute yellow or even a tinge OF vel
low The dairy interests backed the
bill solidly and the city members
were swept aside in the struggle like
so much chat,
j. + +
When the house took vote on ton
mage tax week ago and sent it to tn,
discard 1t was thought that Legislation
along this line had been eftectivel,
sqnelched for this session at least. /
seems not, however. Representative
Frankson, Bjorge, Dunn and other
who backed the bill which was defeat
ed have figured out a new scheme
which is the taxation of franchises 0
iron ore companies on a tonnage basis
For every ton of iron ore mined
thought or sold they would impose
tax of j cent a ton, which would stan'
as lien against the company's fran
Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1913-03-21

Mated.
EDO they suit each otherG''
Rather. She can even wear his
shoes. - Fliegende Batter.