The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1913-07-18
ABatch ofSmiles

Til" littl" agricultural village had
heen billed with Lecture on Keats
for oNer a fortnight. The evening ar
rived AT length. bringing the lecturer
ready to discourse on the poet. The
advertised chairman. taken i'll at the
last moment. was replaced by a local
farmer. This worthy introduced the
lecturer and terminated his remarks
Ivy SAYING:
And now. my friends. we shall
soon all know what I personally have
often wondered-what are keats?"
Lord Justice Vaughan Williams.
who admitted the other. day that
judges Wee open to criticism. once
had a cage before him in which the
young barrister.
When the harrister rose TO begin
his address to the jury he stamner-
ed OUT: My unfortunate client"
And there hr stuck.
He tried again and. in a shaking
voice he managed to say: My unfor-
tunat CLIENT and could &c, no
farther.
Clearing his throat he had another
try and for the third time he quay
cred out: My unfortunate CLIENT"
hiib 'Sail HIS "a
Come. NM Mr. -" interrupted
his iordship. proceed with your state
ment. So the court agrees with YOU"
The maiden lady of uncertain g
became indignant when the census
taker asked her age.
Did You see the girls next door"
she asked: the Hill twins?"
.|artajr1,- -; ranljod tha nare.,c NO,
and did they tell YOU their age"
Yes"
Well" she snapped as she shut the
door in his face, I'm just as old as
they are!'
oh. very we'll" said the census
man to himself. and he wrote down
in his book:
Jane Johnson-as old as the
Hills
Down in the Red River valley Sec
ton of Louisiana there is a planter,
n veteran Of the civil war. who is noted
for his profane vocabulary.
Not long since he married. and ev-
erythins sailed along nicely for a few
days. Eut the captain was called out
who wanted to see him OF business.
AS soon as the captain saw the darby
he began to curse him.
His youa- wife. hearing the violent
language. stuck her head out Of the
window and asked: as that you.
dear"
BEFORE the captain could answer. the
darby said, alphabetically: NO,
ma'am: dat's Cap'n Johnson."-Judee.
There was no doubt about it-he
was very angry when he entered the
village gdocery store and demanded
to see the proprietor.
you oil my wife some eggs yester-
day. Mr.. Peavey" he said, when the
grocer appeared.
"Wa-al, yes said Mr.. Peavey ge-
nially. Believe I did
and you told her that they were
fresh eggs" continued the visitor.
"Wa-al, yes: it seems to me did"
said MI. Peavey.
Put see here. Peavey: you had no
business to say they were fresh eggs"
Why not? bought EN- for fresh
from ST Wiley. too
IT don't believe it. ST Wiley's an
honest man."
"Wa-al. ST said it. all right. He
come in mere with his basket full Of
EN- and put 'em down on the counter
an traded 'em off for a box of sody
biscuits"
When was this"
"oh. I dunno. Bout six weeks ago
l guess
Tommy went u to line at a
friepd's house one evening. When
the soup was brought Tommy did not
touch his. and the hostess. looking
over. said:
why. Tommy dear what's the mat
ter? Aren't you hungry tonight?"
Yes" replied Tommy, I'm quite
hungry: but I'm not thirsty."-Judge.
The judge of a Texas county was
also cashier Of the town bank. One
day a stranger presented a check for
payment and his evidence Of identi-
fcation was not satisfactory.
Why, judge said the man. 1--WE
known you to sentence men to prison
for life on no better evidence than
this"
That may be true replied the
fudge. But when it ome to hand
ing out cold cash we have to be
mighty careful"
A Kentucky colonel Of the old school
had made a proud boast that he
hadn't drunk a glass Of water in
twenty years. One day as he was rid
ing to Nashville on the old L. n N.
the train was wrecked while crossing
a bridge and plunged into the river.
They pulled the colonel out with a
boat hook and when they got him on
shore one of his friends rushed up.
crying: Colonel! Are you hurt 2.
MOI he smiled. Never swallowed
a drop!"-Everybody's Magazine.
S1@f tT% St@ zS.stf NsAS1s $50