The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-06-22
Predicaments of Preachers

From Pearsons $ Weekly
The remembrance of various predica-
ments l have been in makes me go
hot and cold" even now. How is this
for start?
l was christening a baby, and the serv-
ice had proceeded with fair success. The
usual, and the godparents had actually
responded to some of the questions ad-
dressed to them, 1 had arrived at what
ono might call the water part of the
ceremony. The child was In my arms,
and l dipped my hand into the font, a
deep, dark and eavernous affair. Horrors. !.
1t was empty,
| handed the child back and, taking
off my robes. tore out of church and Sc
cured jug of water. I poured this in
the font, retraced my steps in the service
bit, and again dipped my hand. Horror
of horrors! The plug had not been in
Place, and the water had triclSled away,
Curtain.
play football. At 2:15 on a December
afternoon we lined up and kicked off.
What kindly little sprite brought it to
my remembrance ! know not but it was
suddenly flashed in on me that / had q
wedding at 2:3o.
I left the field, secured bike, and tore
to the church. The people were waiting
and getting anxious. The vestry door
was locked; the key was on my chain
in the pavilion. So l had to walk the
length of the church in knickers and
showing far too much calf! And. stick
ing out prominently from under my cas-
sock as / stood on the altar steps were
my muddy football boots.
I apologised afterwards. but to tell the
truth all the comfort received was
the brides mother: "Disgraceful,"
Sometimes, of course, other people
create predicaments for you. A parson
may not under most severe penalties
bury a dead body without a certificate
What are you going to do if that piece of
paper is missing and 20 miles off? (rhe
body had been brought by train)
Here was predicament!
TIE mourners wept. the undertaken Of
fered to guarantee me, but, although my
feelings bade me go on. the law bade
iltc sup oO the DOuy lldu " Dt lell Ill
the cemetery chapel The amount of
"slanging" / got for that made me angry
Nothing was said to the undertaken whose
fault it was. Pile 1t on the poor par
son.
In my early years as a parson I used
notes in the pulpit When they were there
l could preach extempore. for If the worst
came to the worst 1 could make use of
them. On few occasions when l tried
to be independent of paper l floundered
horribly.
church crowded. Great things expected
of me-the special preacher. I mounted
the pulpit steps, to find that the brass
rest had been removed in order that corn
and poppies might be arranged on the
lodge. Nowhere for my notes. Not a
spot, Hold them? That's ridiculous
I-er-preached, and have never been
asked to deliver myself in that church
since.
final predicament. prefaced with a
confession. wear clerical collar, a
celluloid one, and l smoke a pipe 1 had
been out to preach and stayed the night.
Also, In dressing, I sat on that collar
and cracked 1t completely In half.
tried to gum on a piece of paper to hold
it together, but without success. then
bought an ordinary turn down" lay COL
lar. a black tie, and started for home.
In the train I met a commercial, who
was keen, after we had had chat, that
should try a cigarette. I'm not keen on
cigarettes, but I obliged. And-phew!-
as the train stood In a station a lady
an important and generous parishioner of
mine-saw me.
She had two strong opinions One was
that parsons who dressed In pufti were a
disgrace to their profession, and the other
that cigarette smoking was the curse Of
England l. through no fault of mine
was In mufti and smoking cigarettel
Curtain.