davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1913-01-17
A COMICAL LAWSUIT.
Odd Revenge of the Whimsical Count
de Lauraguais.

Odd Revenge OF the Whimsicai Souh'
de Laurasuais.
The Count de I.anraguais was one OF
the most singular characters OF a Whlm
rical time He WIS full of oddities and
had a reckless spirit OF daring. The
boldness of his auguage and action
once drew upon him the displeasure OF
Louis XVI. who banished him from
Paris. but he came back ON festal day
and was seen IN the very face of the
court walking about race course. The
king winked at the escapade. Such
culprit was incorrigible.
But one of the most absurd of his an
ties had to do with the Prince d.,
very dull courtier. against whom be
has a grudge. One day the count ap-
piled very gravely to physician, ask
ing if it were possible for a person to
die of ennui.
such thing" said the doctor,
swould be very singular and very rare
But what want to know said the
sount lis would it be possible"
We'll" answered the doctor "a long
continued state of ennui might induce
some disease. such as consumption, and
In that sense it might cause the pa
TENTS death"
On this the consultation was written
down and signed at the counts request
and the fee paid.
Next he went to an advocate and
asked whether be could make legal
complaint against man who by any
means whatsoever had formed design
against his life The advocate assured
him that there was not the least doubt
of it and In his turn signed declara-
ton. Armed with these documents.
the Count de Lauraguais instituted
criminal proceedings against Prince d..
who, he declared. had formed the de-
sign of firing him to DEATH
OF course the suit ended in laughter,
but he had had the satisfaction of en-
raging his enemy.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1913-01-17
How many of yQur New Years reso
buttons have stucka
Stock Gambling.

Whatever may be said of the Pujo
Investigation of the so called money
trust, 1t has at least awakened the
federal and New York state govern
ments to the Importance of regulating
the Stock Exchange. II Is said that
the governors of the exchange have
themselves promised to institute re
forms, but they did the same thing
no very marked results. 1t is not
probable that either the nation or
state will defer action because of these
promises now.
If any kind of gambling should be
suppressed by law, then why not gam
bling In stocks? Lotteries have been
suppressed, betting ON races In many
of the states and gambling with cards
and other devices in most of the cities.
Yet gambling In stocks is worse than
all of these because it is on larger
scale, because II affects values through
out the nation, because It ties up
money needed to move the crops and
for other purposes, because ii is de
moralizing to our whole people and be
cause It has left broad trail of dis
honesty and ruin among men of bust
ness and in every walk of life.
Not only SO, but the evidence shows
that some practices of the Stock Ex-
change are not even honest gambling.
If there is such thing. The cards are
stacked and the dice loaded. Wherein
are washed sales" and matched or
ders," the only object of which is to
create a fictitious activity in certain
stocks. different in principle from OBJ
tanning money under false pretenses?
In how far does rehypothecation of a
customers stock without his knowl-
edge or consent depart from plain en-
bezzlement?
There is now a welcome prospect
that the state OF New York will de
mand the incorporation of the Stock
Exchange and thus bring these and
other practices under the law Through
its control of interstate commerce and
of the mails the federal government
may also reach the evil.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1913-01-17
A Turkish Joke.

certain sultan OF Turkey was very
fond of gossip and sent for the banker
Abraham Beg to learn the small talk
of Pera and STEAMBOAT. AS Abraham
was being conducted to the sultan's
residence by the master of the horse
that functionary begged him should
the sultan question him on the subject
to say that the funds were at 30, his
majesty having been so informed by
his ministers.
Poor Abraham consented.
He had not been long with Abdul
Aziz when he was questioned as to the
funds and replied as he had promised.
To the horror of the banker, the sui
ton expressed himself delighted and
handed Abraham a large bundle OF
bonds to sell for him.
Abraham sold at IL and paid Abdul
Aziz 80. The sultan had originated
that little Joke"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1913-01-17
Better OFF.

One day during rehearsal at His
Majesty's theater in London. Sir Her
bert Tree told a rather incompetent
young actor to step back little The
actor did so. and the rehearsal proceed
ed. After a few seconds Sir Herbert
repeated his request, "A little farther
back, please"
The actor stepped back again. Sir
Herbert surveyed him critically for
moment and continued the rehearsal.
Then for third time Sir Herbert ask
ed him to stand back a little.
But" protested the actor. ''if stand
farther back shall be off the stage al
together"
YES" agreed Sir Herbert. that will
be much better"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1913-01-17
Lend a Hand Anywhere.

II you cannot on the ocean
Sail among the swiftest fleet,
Rocking on the highest billow,
Laughing at the storms you meet,
You can stand among the sailors
Anchored yet within the bay
You can lend a hand to help them
As they launch their boats away.
II you cannot in the harvest
Garner up the richest sheaves
Many grain both ripe and golden
May the careless reapers leave.
Go and CLEAN among the brters
Growing rank against the wall,
For 1t may be that their shadow
Hides the heaviest wheat of all.
Do not, then. stand idly waiting
For some greater work to do.
Fortune is a tickle goddess.
She win never come to you.
Go and toll In any vineyard
Do not fear to do and dare.
II you want field OF labor
You can find 1t anywhere.
Margaret f. Sangster.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1913-01-17
AN lRSoLENT WRITER.
He Found He Couldn't Dictate TO a
Typical John Bull.

He Found He Couldn't Dictate 70 a
Typical John Bull.
That sprOuting Scotch peer. the Ear
of Levon, who rebuked a ship news re-
porter who approached him by declar-
3ng that mo gentleman ever speaks to
another without an introduction: 1t
simply isn't done" is an old friend OF
james Francis Dwyer. the Australian
novelist-that is. Dryer doesn't actu-
ally know the Earl of Levon. but be
knows his sweetly British sort.
u ought to-" said Dryer. II was
broke in London and | learned to
know the true Briton. Once | an
swered an advertisement for literary
secretary. To make certain that my
letter would be read | wired the adj
yertlser as follows:
lido not engage a literary secretary
until you have read my letter OF APP
plication'
THAT letter was a gem. thought |
would land the place with 1t sure. l
was certain of it when large. square
letter directed me 10 appear at nam
ed address at a given hour. 1t was
four penny bus ride. but didn't care.
My fortune was opening out before me.
| squandered the fourpence without a
misery thought. pOmpous butler
ushered me into a black oak library.
where the original stuffed model of
John Bull sat at Il table. | sat down
meekly and waited to be spoken to.
"Baml He hit the desk with his
clinched hand.
You cannot dictate to an English
man. said this old image.
mo. sir, said.
81 tell you. he shouted. you cannot
dictate to an Englishmanr
Certainly not. said.
"'But you tried to- he said You
sent NE this impertinent telegram. No
Englishman would have done that 1t
was an American trick
81 tried to soothe him, for | wanted
that job. But he got hotter and hotter,
Finally he told me outright that he had
hired a young man who once had work
ed for lord.
az have sent for you. said be, and
you should be grateful to me in order
to teach yon a proper respect for the
traditions of England and for the Brit
ish flag
"'You old FOSSIL said |. If bad
British flag here I'D tear it In two and
choke you TO death with it'"-Chicago
News.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1913-01-17
Aoo,Iirino a Reputation.

Archbishop Howley, who lived in the
eighteenth century, most unjustly got
the reputation of swearing like troop
err The explanation is that the Duke
of Cumberland, who fought the battle
of Culloden and who was unspeakably
profane, once went In quest Of the pri-
mate to get his assistance in defeating
certain bill which he disliked He
returned to the house of lords, saying:
ITS all right. my lords. I've seen the
archbishop. and he says he'll see the
promoters to - before he'll vote for
the - bill" As "a matter of fact, all
the profanity had been supplied quite
In the ordinary run of conversation by
the duke.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1913-01-17

A newly married couple had had a
little disagreement about some cakes
which the wife had made. The hus-
band complained that those his mother
used to produce were far superior On
the next day the girl set before him a
plate of hot cakes.
Now you have achieved something
he exclaimed enthusiastically These
are exactly like what mother used to
make. How did you do III"
II will give you the recipe replied
the wife coldly Il used margarine in
stead of butter, eggs year old, | put
alum In the tlour and added plenty of
water to the k."-Londou Tit Bits.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1913-01-17
The corduotor,s Mistake

A conductor on the st. Louis and
Suburban railroad had such a good run
of business Sunday afternoon that he
had difficulty in keeping himself sup
piled with small change. Many pas
sengers who patronized his car handed
him dollars and bills of larger denomi-
nations in payment of their fares The
conductor. however. managed to get
along fairly well until woman carry
ing a tiny infant boarded his car
When he approached the woman for
her fare she handed him a five dollar
bill
lis that the smallest you have. mad
amp queried the conductor. fearing
another stringency in change.
The woman looked at the conductor
and then at her baby and made this
surprising reply, Eyes: have been
married only twelve months"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1913-01-17
COOKING A PILL. !"
That Is What Opium Smokers Call
"Hitting the Pipe"

That Is What Opium Smokers Call
"Hittins the Pipe"
The opium smoker In the act of
smoking is said to be cooking d pill"
Smokers of tobacco In seeing opium
pipes have been misled into the belief
that the large bowl of the pipe is filled
with opium when really the ''pill' is
simply pasted over a tiny opening In
the cover of the bowl. Heating of the
bowl produces dense fumes. which are
drawn through the bowl and the stem
of the pipe into the smokers mouth.
Neither does one pipe of opium pro
duce stupor pill" daZes only even
an inexperienced smoker as a large
drink would effect person unused to
alcohol The opium users who have
been pictured stretched on hunks of
opium dens in utter stupor have been
saturated with the drug.
Reclining on II bed, the smoker places
the layout within easy reach and lights
the lamp. Peanut oil. burning slowly
and without evil odors or fumes, is used
exclusively. The smoker is then ready
TO prepare his pill"
The yen-hok. or dipper. a long, nee
die shaped instrument, is put into the
opium receptacle and turned slowly in
the black and sticky substance until a
small quantity of Opium adheres TO the
point. 1t is then placed over the tame
of the lamp. and. turning the dipper,
the smoker rolls and cooks the pill"
until 1t is ready for the pipe
The tiny speck is then thrust into the
opening of the bowl. which, held above
the lamp, slowly begins to produce
opium fumes. which are drawn in by
the smoker through the stem of his
pipe. The pill" lasts only from thirty
to forty seconds, and to enjoy another
smoke the same preparations have to
be repeated New York Tribune,
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1913-01-17
One Thousand Dollars Reward.

l will pay One thousand Dollars
reward, cash, for the detection and
conviction of any person or persons
implicated in the burning of my home,
situated at Whitehouse Station, N. j.,
about P. NJ. on the fourteenth day of
November past. The Rev. III. l..
Jones, pastor of the Dutch Reformed
Church OF Whitehouse Station, who
was one of the first to enter said house,
advises me that he is positive same
was fred by use of naptha or some
other infiammable material. All others
who endeavoredito save my home adj
wise me practica ly the same.
JAMES N. PIDCOCK,
Remington, N. ].
a-26-Ia.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1913-01-17
- The -
Scrap Book
Old "EaoIe Eye'sD Mean Trick.

Old Eagle Eyes" Mean Trick.
"Jake Beckley was one of the few
players who ever made me look like
monkey" said old Honus Wagner OF
the Pirates the other day. 1T happen
ed in Louisville years ago, and Tim
Hurst was umpiring. was on first
base and saw Jake hide the ball under
his arm told him several times was
wise to such bush league stuff. but
Jake pretended he did not hear. Final
ly, when Hurst was not looking. /
grabbed the ball from under Jake's arm
and threw it into right field. Then |
started for second base. only to have
the pitcher throw another ball to the
second baseman. and ! was run down
between the bases. | felt so cheap
could have dropped clean through to
China. Beckley had been holding
dummy ball."-New York Press.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1913-01-17

The great Alexander Dumas was sit
ting at dinner with some friends. They
had just complimented him upon the
excellence of his kitchen. Yes" he
said re1eetiyely, 81 have a cook who is
wonder Her name is Sophie. And do
you know. she has achieved a miracle
in photography. She writes her first
name without employing a single letter
that belongs to It,"
But it isn't possible" said one of his
guests
Absolutely true, give you my word.
She writes ii 'Caufyr "-Bookman.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1913-01-17

The lovely girl, having fingered a
minute in her room to adjust her trans
formation. change the angle of her
Grecian band and make sure that her
skirt fitted like the peeling Of a plum.
descended to the parlor to End the
family all assembled and the pet of the
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1913-01-17
He Didn't Know Art.

where did you get that marble
statuette, my dearY'
why, at Marines. Isn't 1t lovelyY
Aud such a bargain! 1t was marked
half of Didn't you see the tag?'
yes, but | thought the tag referred
Dealer,
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1913-01-17
unsophisticated.

Darling" said the fond youth. pro
ducing ring, which is the right tin
gerT'
For goodness sake. Algyw respond
ed the maiden Don't yon known
Nineteen years Old aud never been en-
gagged to girl beforew-C Chicago Trib-
una
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1913-01-17

The verdict in the indianapolis case
proves what was generally suspected
before-that dynamite Is not safe
thing to handle
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1913-01-17

A judge has decided that "the father
even yet, in the contemplation of our
common law, is king and priest in his
own household" IL may be so--in com.
mon law
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1913-01-17

A Chicago paper says that citizens of
that town ARE becoming exceedingly
weary of being murdered" man
may be murdered once too often.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1913-01-17
Easy.

Lucy-How can | bring the count 10
his knees AZ my feet? Nelly Drop a
lime on the ioor New Orleans
Times Democrat
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1913-01-17
Quite a Lineuist.

SH'eS L'SN'oS
An old but sturdy lrishman who had
made a reputation as gang boss wns
given job with railroad construc-
ton company at Port au Prince. Haiti
usual his gang of black Haitians began
to shirk. and as the chief engineer rode
up on his horse the lrishman was heard
to shout:
"Allez-you sons OF guns-alleZ.
Then. turning TO the engineer, he said,
81 curse the day liver learned their
language - Every body's
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1913-01-17

Life is just one holiday after an
other. Time to buy your valentines
and prepare for the celebration of Lin
coins and Washington's birthdays.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1913-01-17

Got any blotches yet on that new
leaf you turned over on jan. 1?
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1913-01-17

AREN'T YOU ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
household ensconced upon the knee of
the young man caller. her curly head
nestled comfortably against his shout.
Ter.
why, Mabelr' the young lady ex
claimed Aren't you ashamed of your
self2 Get right down."
"Shan't do it," retorted the child, u
got here Every body's.
The Celina Democrat. (Celina, O. [Ohio]) 1895-1921, 1913-10-31
Questions of Importance
Up to You, Mr.. Voter

Many Cena voters will be puzzled by the number of ballots
given them when they go to the polls next Tuesday.
Five separate ballots will be handed the voter each different
its way and demanding less consideration before be-
ing voted upon
The ballots follows their order of precedence with
the Board o Eections
l. Initiative Ballot One proposal House Bill No.
3-Shall the shipment of liquors into dry territory be
permitted?
g Constitutional Amendments: Five proposals.
Short ballot (State Ofcers Short ballot County and
Township Ohicers) Exemption of municipal, county
and State bonds from taxation. Eligibility of women to
appointment boards to positions relating to the
of women and children Small Legislature,
Village ticket-Mayor Clerk Marshal, Treasurer
Six Councilman, and Three Members Board of Public
Affairs
t. Board of Education-Two members to be elected
s. Township ticket-Trustees, three to be elected;
Clerk, Treasurer Constable, two to be elected.
This latter ballot will be given all in the corporation
both Democrat and Republican but the contests look like Dem
ocrac primary fight there Republican candidate
for any township office There is however,
every Office excepting but the choice between Dem
ocrats
-Four ballots instead of five will be presented the voters in
Jefferson all and other townships, follows:
/. The initiative ballot, as in the village.
2, Constitutional amendments ballot same as in the
village.
8 The township ticket in the village.
4. Township Board of Education-three to elect.
The Celina Democrat. (Celina, O. [Ohio]) 1895-1921, 1913-10-31
Equity Associations S Rotten
Referendun1S Knocked Out

Legislature may provide specifically
against the exercise Of an unreview-
able power by the secretary Of state.
Judge shauck was the only one Of
the seven justices who dissented from
the order denying the Equity associa-
tion a writ in mandamus. Last week
he held that the secretary Of state
did not have authority to reject the
petitions II correct in form and this
week consistently held he should be
mandamused to put the laws on the
ballot.
Because OF the importance OF the
case the court gave out a memoran.
dun of the considerations which led
the majority to refuse the writ. Ac.
cording to the memorandum, no evi.
denCc Of bad faith or abuse OF dscre.
tion by Secretary Graves was offered,
but II was shown the investigation
was conducted publicly, in good faith
and in the very best manner possible
under the circumstances and the
law" that the relator withdrew and
refused assistance, after showing that
fraud had been perpetrated at the
Dayton Soldiers home; that though
furnished copy of the evidence he did
not give the secretary of state infor
nation he now claims would have
aided that official in arriving at a cor
rect judgment. Therefore, the court
must necessarily find that these al
legations of fraud, bad faith and
abuse of discretion are not only not
but wholly disproved by all
the evidences offered"
The courts decision, an immense
victory for Governor Cox and. Secra
Lary Graves and Attorney General
Hogan, rejoiced the state administra-
ion chiefs. It also caused an influx
Of applicants for jobs as county tax
assessors under the Warnes law.
The Celina Democrat. (Celina, O. [Ohio]) 1895-1921, 1913-10-31
Bunched Ne1OS Paragraphs

wreaked their vengeance upon Home
Secretary Reginald McKenna by burn.
ing the residence of his brother, T.
McKenna, at Borden.
At Springfield, o., William ~Noeth
was disfgured for life by his wife,
Ruth Noeth, who threw the contents
of bottle of chloric acid into his
face. Woman says her husbands love
for her had cooled.
The outing of Walter H. Rowley Of
Penn Van, N. Y, had a sad ending
when the shotgun with which he was
shooting ducks on Lake Keuka was
accidentally discharged, killing his
only daughter, Ruth.
The fifth death from typhoid fever
among the members of the Rhode
Island party that attended the Perry
celebration at Put-In-Bay, o., has been
reported from Providence, the victim
being Sumner B. Morey, Jr., Is.
Fire at Chicago destroyed two ware
houses of Swift & Company at the
Union stock yards, causing loss Of
$5O0,O0O.
Governor Cruise of Oklahoma de.
clares that he will make the race for
United States senator against Senator
Gore If urged by his party and friends.
Use of simplified spelling in all bull
letins and publications of the Ohio
State university is requested in a let
ter from the Ohio State Teachers as
sociation.
Floyd Atwell, accistant clerk of the
Ohio senate, is a candidate for secre-
tary to the state tax commission, the
place now held by Beriah e. William
son, just appointed revenue collector
for the Columbus district.
Farmers of Fayette county, Ohio,
have started a movement to establish
colonies of foreigners in their several
neighborhoods as means to end the
evergrowing scarcity of farm labor.
Dewey Ring, Is, was run down and
almost instantly killed at Cleveland
by an automobile truck. Police exon
Grated the driver
At Wilkesbarre, Pa, Mrs. John
Most shot and killed herself when her
3-year-old daughter May was burned
to death at home. Child played with
matches.
More than $4,000 in money, jewels
and clothing was stolen from a Kan
sas City hotel room held by Herbert
Woolf, Warren G. Galbreath and Louis
f. Robinson.
Daniel Tolman,, known to the po-
lice of many cities as King OF the
Loan Sharks" was sentenced by a
New York court to serve six months
in Jail for usury.
Achilles Wootley, a negro laborer,
sprained his left wrist when he fell
from the top of 75-foot smo sstack
at New Orleans, landing on Gis head
on a concrete pavement.
Great Britain will shortly cede
Zanzibar to Germany in return for
territory or concessions elsewhere.
Zanzibar has been under a British
protectorate for years.