davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-20
STORY OF THE MASSACRE
OF ADENOIDS WILLIAMS
OF THE 99TH ALABAMA

"Endurng of the war;" remarked the
Old Confederate. you had to kill man
two or three times to make him stay
dead. Nowadays if person gets a pin
scratch or steps on nail, or gets sud-
denly skeered. he goes out like can
die. but when we fit the Yankees it
was different. I have saw men with
the majority of their legs shot off, and
not enough ribs left to make a quorum,
and a spoonful of their brains oozing
out, crawl off the battlefield. get sound
and well, and afterwards get elected to
the Legislature.
PERSONALLY speaking, I have toted
off enough bullets in my frame, from
some of them civil war scrimmages,
20 start lead mine. I amt no hon
prary member of the Ananias Club, and
7 wouldn't tell you fellows a lie for no
amount of money, but [ hand you the
solemn truth when 1 remark that /
have saw enough human gore in one
battle to make a second Lake Erie-and
the bullets and things that's been shot
into ME would fill a nail keg.'
THAT there war was no Ping Pong
game, lemme tell youl The looks of
the ground after a hot battle was some
thing fierce--dead men, blood, brains,
disorder and death, everywhere-some
men look awfuller and bleed wuss than
others, and some make decent looking
corpses, and some seemed to be all
mashed into pulp-and a field hoss-
pital looks like the butchers shambles.
| always wanted to look decent and
proper in death, so that whenever !
knowed battle was coming on, made
1t invariable rule to wash out my
shirt and scrub my face and neck with
soap, beforehand. The worst mussed
up corpse l ever seed, enduring the
whole war was that of Adenoids Will
liams of the 99th Alabama.
'Jevver hear me tell of the massacre
of Old Adenoids? Gen-tle-menit was
worse than them old times when they
sacrificed five thousand bullocks and
three thousand rams at one time, in the
old Hebrew days! Adenoids wasn't
loaded down with the fatal gift of
beauty, nohow. His features were not
chiseled out in what you might call
classic lines His eyes were just
popped enough to give him a continual
surprised look, and the most of his face
was laid out in nose. In shape he re-
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-20

by the senseless multiplication of itss
political machinery. The ordinary,
necessary business of state, the pas
sage of appropriations and the enact
ment of the very few statutes which
may really be needed could be ade-
quately done in one quarter the time
now consumed and by one-third of the
men now engaged in legislative work.
The tendency of the people themselves
to become impatient of this peren-
nial, intolerable plague of pestilentiaI
legislators and to advert to simpler
and more direct form of government
is plainly seen in the favor they show.
whenever they can get chance to ex-
press themselves. toward the commis~
sion form of city government
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-20

about the cage he would walk on his
perch slow and solemn, and wall his
eyes as il he was thinking of his grand
maw's grave. Gents, that bird had the
dope for all sorts of rheologiansl
Varioloid was rigidly non-partisan
principles He'd swig apple brandy,
Kentucky bourbon and Hot Scotch.
dashed with cayenne pepper but he
drawed the line at these here soft tenn
perance drinks sich as corn whisley
with worter in it, and sugar on top
of it, alcohol dashed with lemon peel:
sorghum juice sour and Ensley light
ning-which as you gents know is mild
beverages that cheers but fails to
onebritae. except in wholesale quanti-
ties.
"Variloid. after a brilliant career
of unfettered genius killed hisself try
ing to imbibe a mixture that populite
candidate for congress used for mornin'
bitters 1 can but mourn his loss
even IL he did commit suicide fooling
with politics.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-20
BATCH OF THOSE YARNSI
AS TOLD BY COURTHOUSE GANGl
Mhey Joudan Got Herself of
UNCONVENTIONAL Parrot
BY WELLINGTON vANp1xER

sembled a bee gum set up on a pair
of wagon names, with the funniest
little pot stomach sticking out of it,
TO put it mildly, Adenoids Williams
was mortal homely A mud fence
daubed with tad poles was a pastel as
compared to the expression of his job
lot features Me and Adenoids was
stationed at the breastwork on top
of hill just west of yicl1sburg, and ev-
cry day them blasted gun boats and
ironclads. In the river, took pot shots
at us. Them turtle shell gun boats
had howitzers mounted on their decks,
big, sawed -off short cannons, that had
bore like a wash pot, and scattered
grape shot, horse shoes and iron things
all over section of land when they
was fired-only you can't shoot one of
them flour barrel cannon on a level
they have to be pointed up at an an
gle, as IL star shoting was the object.
Some of our spies reported to US
that them turtle back boats was out of
proJectiles-didn't have proper bullets,
or grape or canister to load them
guns, but had plenty of powder-and
this news set old Adenoids to parading
them breastworks, and guying them
boats by word and gesture He'd
prance up and down, and pat his self
on various parts of his anatomy, and
shake his fists, throwing in an assorted
lot of insulting gestures, in order to
give them Yanks the merry hee-haw
over them harmless cannon. That Ader
noids' person certainly put it all over
the dubs out there in the river with
his Incompatible line of roofing and
insulting delsarte. He was sure enough
yirchuoso in that particular branch of
elocution, and them flabbergasted deck
hands had just to grit their teeth and
endure it.
II told the fool that he'd better cut
out them capers, as the Yanks had cap
tured part of one of our wagon trains
lately, that was carrying canned goods
and things, and maybe they had got
some sort of lead ammunition for them
pot bellied howitzers, and if SO they
was likely to perforate Adenoids any
successive minute. But shucks! he
wouldn't listen to me-said that our
wagon trains didn't carry cannon feed,
and what them Yanks had captured was
canned tomatoes and hard tack. | seen
at once that l had handed him the
wrong kind of specifications, and so 1
let that Jaekass frame up his perform
ance to suit his own fancy-while L
stayed inside the bomb-proof.
while Adenoids was in the middle of
a set of his most fervent gymnastics,
bangt goes one of them HoWitzers,
causing that Williams party to execute
some gyrations not previously set down
in his programme; and with scream
like a dying hoss, he wheeled and
staggered towards the omb-proof
where 1 was squatted. / seen at once
that he was more fatally butchered
than any man that history gives an ac-
count of. From bow to kelson, from
stem to stern, from his feet to his hair
be ewas one mass of human gore-to
all human appearances.
Ills entire digestive system seemed
to be plastered outside of him, and OBJ
truding itself upon the landscape. New
er saw such an enormous quantity OF
innards belonging to one lone man in all
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-20
Eat EN- Mashed

From the Chicago Daily News.
The school master alta certain village
school asked the following question::
Suppose in :arnily there are five
children. and mother has only four po-
tatoes between them. Now she wants 10
give every child an equal share. What
is she going to do?'
silence reigned in the room. Everybody
calculated very hard Until small bog
stood ur and gave the following unex-
pected soluticn: Mash the potatoes, siri'
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-20
THE STORY OF FERG'S
UNDENOMINATIONAL.
BUT INTELLIGENT pARROT


fersuson McTootle was a product of
the free and bounding West. and as an
aole bodied prevaricator he laid over
any derelict that has as yet been wash
ed up by the tides of time" reminis
Gently remarked the Lawyer Man from
Soosa' Ihe ungodly call him 'parson,
Tor no better reason than that he usual
~ wore a Jim swinger coat buttoned
up to his throat in front-otherwisa bs
was as unclerical in habit and CONVEX
sation as the army of the valley of vir-
gina Likewise Ferg possessed
thirst equal to the Desert Of the Sa-
nara-a yearning for almost any par
ticular brand of liquid damnatfon that
was handy. from Texas sheep dip to
Sazarack cocktail / have saw him i'm
bibe two bottles of Jamaica ginger and
three dittoes of DR.. Pierce's Great Fe-
male Discovery. along with pint of al
cohol. IN Rube town where prohibi-
tion was confined to chronic drunk ards
and 1t didn't give him a souse-didn't
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-20

The newspapers contained accounts
of terrible slaughter in the Balkan
war, as well as stories of the horrible
wounds inflicted by modern weapons.
The Old Confederate was unwilling to
admit that any war had been more
bloody than the Civil War, and to con-
vince the gang that such was the case,
he spat out his chew of tobacco,
cleared his throat, and gave them
this:
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-20

even make him damp around the edges
when he had surrounded enough
raw liquor to make his throat feel like
a torch light procession had gone down
it, he unlimbered electrical displays
of sizzling mendacity equal to an Au-
rora borealis. With his intestines
swimming in a gallon of torrid fluid
hell fire he would discourse on things
philosophical and make cracks that
would have backed Ananias clean to
the far end of the lane What sick
ems me in modern literature remarked
Ferguson McTootle, soaking his anaf-
omy with a tumblerful of alcohol and
tincture of capsicum, in the back room
of the Drug Store, is to read these here
machine made geological anecdotes
published in the Youths Companion,
Robinson's Algebry, Rollins Ancient
The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-20
PLACED
ON CLEANLINESS
An Oklahoma School Allows
Credits for Neatness;
Result Spotless Town

Muskogee, Okla. July 1s.-6 6special)4-
boy gets 30 points in school work for TAX
ing a bath and where the little girl who
comes to school with her hair neatly
brushed has Is points added to her credit
in school work.
The school is at Briartown, in Muskogee
county. and the principal, who has
worked out unique system of credits for
homework is a young man named J. A.
Houser, cooperating with superintendent
OF Schools E. NJ. coIlette who has evolved
many progressive and unusual ideas in
the conduct of the rural schools of the
county.
When Mr.. Houser became principal of
Brartown school he noted that the chill
dren were many of them Indifferent to
home tasks and careless of their personal
appearance. He set about remedying the
matter. and he and Mr. Collette worked
out system that has been in force for
one term of school and in that time has
literally transformed the community.
So general has been the change that
after the children had begun to take an
interest in the home credits they cleaned
up their homes, cleaned up the town. and
have actually transformed the Briartown
community.
BY the rules of the contest the gaining
of certain number of points for home
credits added 10 per cent to the eXamina-
tion credits, except in cases where only
two things for which a pupil could gain
so points. These were taking bath and
preparing meal. OF the four prize
winners in the contest, each received 80
points for one of these two things. the
boy, Orpheus Hilton, for taking a bath,
and Emma Mullen, the girl, for preparing
a meal.
Assisting in preparing a meal, scrub
bing the floor, setting out a shade tree
earned IS points
Milking, washing Dishes churning.
sweeping, setting out flowers, watering
flowers brushing hair neatly, cleaning
teeth, drinking a glass of water before
breakfast sleeping in a room with the
windows wide open, feeding the stock
cleaning finger nails. taking care of the
baby and many other household tasks and
duties of personal hygiene were covered
in the contest
AT the close of the school year this
week Orpheus Hilton, II years old. won
first prize in the contest with $3.50 points,
an average of 113 points day. Others
were so close to the winner that they
were given special prizes.
In several instances where the children
were earning home credits by cleaning
the yards and planting shrubbery the par
ents have painted the houses. put up new
fences and improved their places while
in the house the efforts of the children to
improve the looks of things have been
aided by the installing of modern devices
for housework
The herald and news. [volume] (Newberry S.C.) 1903-1937, 1913-04-01
THE NEWS OF PROSPERITY.
Medal Contest W. c. T. U.-Installa.
ton Officers 4. r. P. Church.
Personal Mention.

Prosperity, March 31-Miss Lucille
Latham, of Newberry, spent the week
end with Miss Marguerite Wise.
Miss Ruby Wheeler has as her
guest Miss Wheeler, of NcWberry.
Mr.. and Mrs. A G. Wise are visit
ing in Columbia.
The progressive insurance ;lrm OF
Brown & Caldwell have purchased an
Overland car.
Miss Tena Wise, of Chicora college,
spent the weekend with her parents,
Mr.. and Mrs. ]. L. Wise.
Messrs. Tom Wiker and R. X: Wise
spent Sunday at the Wise hotel.
The defamation contest for the ".
C. T. U. medal will take pace April
3 at he town hall at $50 p. m. The
following will compete: Messrs. Henry
Quattlebaum, Willie Mac Lester, T,
TAYLOR, Price Harmon, Leo Mathis
and Alvin Singley. The musical num-
bers will be furnished by Mrs. j. +.
Browne.
The above contest will. also tak4
place at Zion church April 5. The
contestants are from the Monticello
school.
The following officers were installed
at the A. R. P. church Sabbath morn
ing: Elders-Messrs. E. B. Cook, }. A
Dominick, S. S. Birge; deacons--
G. D. Brown, J. B. Pugh, Dallas Caid-
we'll
The herald and news. [volume] (Newberry S.C.) 1903-1937, 1913-04-01
Here is For You.

Something good for Thursday. Good
object and good subjects. The Ar
cade will put on a fine program and
half the proceeds will be applied to
the flood sufferers. Any kind of a
program in so worthy a cause ought
to draw full houses. Then surely the
house should overflow and the flood
fund swell on Thursday afternoon and
night when the Arcade presents Gust
Shabby Doll" (Thanhouser); Ca
lamity Anne" detective (American) !;
"Chappie's Code" (Majestic), and one
other good subject. Sufficient in the
above program to interest and amuse
very nearly each and every individual
citizen of the town and county of New
berry. The Arcade management has
kindly and patriotically put on this
program for the benefit of the flood
sufferers-one half of the proceeds to
be given to this cause. Nobody will
refuse to contribute anyway, and hv
going to the Arcade Thursday you en-
JOY fine pictures and at the same time
give something for the relief of the
distressed. Fill the house all through
the running of these pictures.
The herald and news. [volume] (Newberry S.C.) 1903-1937, 1913-04-01
HOTEL MANAGEMENT CHANGED.
Lease Held by Samuel F. Wheeler
VIII be Yielded to Another ,
Manager.
The State.

The State.
Lee A. Lorick of Columbia, one OF
the owners of the. Columbia hotel,
said yesterday that there would be a
change in the management OF the
hostelry soon. Samuel F. Whee'er'
who has managed the Columbia hotel
for years and is widely known among
the travelling public, will yield his
lease to another manager. Mr.. Lorick
said yesterday that the owners had
had several applications for the lease,
but had not yet decided upon a man
ager. Mr.. Wheeler will continue to
run the hotel until it is released.
It is possible that Improvements
will be made in the Columbia hotel
building, but the owners have not
definitely decided to make them.
Stick to the Old Friends.
The herald and news. [volume] (Newberry S.C.) 1903-1937, 1913-04-01
In Newberry Society.

A very pleasant and profitable meet
ing of the Fortnightly club was held
Tuesday morning with Mrs. e. A.
Bowman as hostess. Longfellow was
the poet for study at this meeting
Mrs. w. H. Hunt read short sketcn
of his life and one of his poems, "The
Ladder of St. Augustine" Current
events, foreign and domestic, were
then discussed by the members, after
which tempting luncheon was serV-
ed.
Mrs. P. E. Scott was hostess Tor
the Woman's club Thursday after
noon. The roll call was responded TO
with the names of the religions OF
South America. The magazine study
ON South America was continued and
proved very interesting and instruc-
tive.
Mrs. J. T. Mayes entertained three
tables of players at bridge Friday
afternoon, in compliment to Mrs.
Jones Fuller, of Greenwood, the guest
of Mrs O. B. Mayer. After a series
of interesting games, cards were laid
aside and delightful refreshments
were served.
The herald and news. [volume] (Newberry S.C.) 1903-1937, 1913-04-01
TWICE A WEEK, s1.5O A YEAR.


horse, hair braids, straw and velvet
and velvet and straw and silk will be
much worn and quite chic. Back
trimmings have succeeded those at
the side, and flowers, braids and aig-
rettes of flowers adorn the prettiest
chapeaux"' This is quoted and out of
the reporters line,> but the ladies Of
the millinery department of Ander-
son & Co., can explain it fully SO we
turn it over to them. We only aimed
to call attenticn to the page ad of
Ibis live firm and incidentally to men
tion the millinery feature.
The herald and news. [volume] (Newberry S.C.) 1903-1937, 1913-04-01
,s 70 the Millinery of the Andersons.

As to the Millinery Ol IHc AHu0i sVhS'
In reading of the splendid showing
of millinery creations in the various
PAPERS describing the leading houses
of the country one has a desire to see
the fine and rich and beautiful dis
plays. And while in this humor 1t
would be we'll to call your attention
to R. H. Anderson & Co. The attrac-
tive one-page ad of their double stores
anpeared in the last issue OF The
Herald and News. All the depart
ments of R H. Anderson & Co., are
of the finest and most select, but 1t is
of the millinery we would speak to-
dav # has been said that there are
go many new things in fashions lime
light that play interesting parts IN
spring hats that it is wellnigh impos-
sihle to tell of ALL" A writer quotes
Dame Fashion as saying that the
small hat will reign, and it is to flt
closely to the head and not to be
overladen trimming" for which
all should be truly thankful. 1t is
said that later in the season there
will be many more wonderful crea-
tons and combinations Of colors, but
right now is what takes our eye. We
know not much about it, but an au-
treri ' ays Ni}2n straw IS the most
fashionable and thai legal hemp,
The herald and news. [volume] (Newberry S.C.) 1903-1937, 1913-04-01
Gamblers and LOafers.

The Augusta Chronicle says: "A
regular crusade has been begun upon
the lettering gamblers, both colored
and wL.lo, here of late, as there
were two negro "joints" raided Sun
day night and one in which half
dozen young white men and boys
were engaged. The cases OF the
young white men and boys is even
more deplorable than that of the
ed all the week and then been in
negroes. They had evidently work
duced to get in game and would
have undoubtedly lost all of their
money had it not been that they were
"roped in'' by the police. Most of the
young men captured are workers, but
two or possibly three have police re-
cords, and are perpetual loafers." !"
Some Of these loafers and gamblers
will come this way.
The herald and news. [volume] (Newberry S.C.) 1903-1937, 1913-04-01
Fort Mill Times.

Fort Mill Times.
The old friends whom we have
known all our lives and whose cnar-
acters are firm and established as
the everlasting hills, are too apt to
become commonplace to US, but we
know they will do to tie to, and it IS
not best to give them up for those
whom we do not know. The man or
woman who builds up a character and
maintains it for years in the same
community deserves some consldera-
ton, and the friendship of such people
is to be- preferred at all times to the
SNOWY attention of strangers.
The herald and news. [volume] (Newberry S.C.) 1903-1937, 1913-04-01
EMart.PerrY Co.

The Ewart-Perry firm has been
pleasing the men of Newberry for
some time. If the ladies will read the
advertisement of this well-known and
up-to-date firm in this issue of The
Herald and News they will see that
there is omething there to suit, inter-
est and please them. The senior
member is devoting himself to the
wants and wishes Of the ladies, espe-
cially.
The herald and news. [volume] (Newberry S.C.) 1903-1937, 1913-04-01
AufOS Sold Last Week.

The following sales were ;'aie by
Summers garage last week: Ford
roadster to Mr. l. NJ Smith, k1nards;
Ford roadster to Mr.. F. B. Longshore,
city; Ford touring cars to Messrs. E.
S. Summer, w. D. Stiiwell and Geo.
". Summer, city. This firm is doing
a rushing business, and Newberry is
filing high place in the picture. Out
of the "A counties in the State, Neh-
berry is ahead Of 20, according to the
latest figures of automobile sales.
The herald and news. [volume] (Newberry S.C.) 1903-1937, 1913-04-01
Again The Strawberry.

Shortly after The Herald and News
had been in circulation On last Friday,
Prosperity got Newberry connected
and the Office phone rang the hurry
call. What's up now? shot through
the mind. Can it be that the people
of lower Prosperity and upper Poma-
ria have combined to strike blow to
the fellow in this Office who failed to
state where it was that that church
building was blown down? They knew
it was not in the vicinity of Bowers
garage. Then where was it and what
was it? This. That strawberry piece
had just benn read and was bearing
fruit The reporter was reaping what
he had been sowing. He had sowed
the wind and would now reap the
whirlwind The Rev. E. w. Leslie, the
wide-awsl1e and quick Lutheran pas
tor at Prosperity, was seeing to it
that the little city OF Newberry,
through it's representative of the early
strawberry patch, was not getting all
the glorSs. Mr.. I. H. Hunt should not
be allowed to have it all like Mrs.
Wiggs Of the cabbage patch. Mr.; Les
lie beat Mr.. Hunt, while the former
got here first, the latter had more ber-
ries. 1t will be remembered that there
was mention of only one strawberry
from Mr.. Hunt, whereas Mr.. Leslie
was dangling three Strawberries at
the prosperity end of the phone, figur-
atively speaking. He saw Mr.. Hunts
one and went it two better; or, more
appropriately speaking, he saw it at
once and went at it too better.
To Mr.. Leslie and Mr. Hunt in order
to make each mouth water, the re-
porter for The Newberry Herald and
News, his own mouth preparing to do
likewise, reproduces the following
from the Wilmington Fruit ana truck
ers' Journal of March q:
although the strawberry fields are
white with blossoms and new buds
are blooming every day. with we'll
formed berries On every vine. our
special reports from Chadbourn,
Whiteville, Crisis, Cerro Gordo, Mount
Tabor, Loris. Conway, Fair Blum,
Clarkton, Currie, Atkinson, Whining
ton, Wrightsboro, Rocky Point, Bur
gaw, Wallace, Teachey's, Rock Hill,
Warsaw, Faison, Mount Olive and
Dudley would indicate that the move
ment of strawberries will not begin
in carload quantities before the 10th
or 18th of April, at the earliest. Warm
weather and light rains will hasten
ripening beyond mans ken to tell.
From the Norfolk section April 25th
Is given as the earliest date upon
which it is expected that the move
ment will take on anything like car
load proportions.
eve are evidently going to have a
splendid berry deal this year. The
commission merchants and their
lieutenants are already arriving pre-
paratory to a vigorous campaign for
The herald and news. [volume] (Newberry S.C.) 1903-1937, 1913-04-01
Some Men in Newberry Like This Pat
served

Polly thought he would have some
fun by stirring up a dog fight. From
his point of vantage safe up on his
perch he cried, "Sick i'm Bull! to
his canine friend sleeping on the
ground below, when stray dog came
along. Having stirred Bull up and
attracted the attention of the other
dog, Polly became so excited he fell
off his perch when Bull and the
strange dog jumped on him and tore
out all but his tail feathers. Polly
climbed painfully back upon his perch,
shook himself and said: 81 know
what's the matter with mel talk too
damn much.
The herald and news. [volume] (Newberry S.C.) 1903-1937, 1913-04-01

When playing marbles or jack stones
slips take over, but not when you run
in front of a trolley car.
The herald and news. [volume] (Newberry S.C.) 1903-1937, 1913-04-01
CARD OF THANKS.

We desire to thank our friends for
their exceeding kindness to us during
the sickness and death Of our husband
and father.
Mrs. w H. Enlow,
Jesse Enlow.
Walter EnloW.