New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1913-01-05

conflict with the boiled broilcd, stcwcd,
mains Of all the known specimens OF the iaunal and
floral Kingdoms, YOU have the two military brgadeS,
the accommodating and the ravenouS. ne acconmo-
dating the speakers, the singers ana other CeeDr
ties set like diamonds above the lesser gems in the gal
lerv of feastng reemen Then there are the ravenous
who having taken the precauton to eat early lunches
show up with appctitcs that would do credit to griz
Fly bear
A r every dinner the speakers the lions The
"A POSTMASTER, appearing with many wittciSmS in
the back of his ad,-from which penumbral shadows
he seldom reScueS them tic pos vi lc non
trainer who leads the victims to their performances as
they are set down on the program This may be new
thought; but offered for what IS worth Very lew
men are good acr-dinner speakers. Probably the best
in the country are Wayne MacNcagh (brothcr OF the
Secretary Of the Treasury former Senator Chauncey
NJ. Depcw, Job Hedges of New York Senator burton
of Ohio, Major Holmes Conrad OF Virginia former
Representative Adam Bede of Minnesota ana Joseph
G.. Cannon
OF course there are other good but there are
far too many long-windcd gentlemen who rise at Their
places and burst forth into long and dismal discourse
The aptest speech | ever heard at a banquet came
from Major Conrad of Virginia. At this particular
function four or five Senators, Representatives, ana
famous LAWYERS had unwound several miles OF profound
ideas on dust subjects including the constitution the
Supreme Cour, and viviSection 1t VIII be noticed at
this incurc that subjects chosen by aterdnner
speakers do not exactly facilitate digestion Finally
Conrad was called on Advancing from the rear OF the
hall 10 its center he delivered himself OF the following
speech with all the dignity OF Rhadamanthus
"\lr POSTMASTER il 10 me that all the speeches.
that have been made here this evening have been hope
lc,slv dull and drcary. | never heard such an outlay
Of f,lncrcal profundty in my life Mr. POSTMASTER,
wish everybody goodnight +,
There are many times when, as YOU listen 10 the
speeches YOU regard banQuctng as a vice.
One Of the most aughabc things that ever happened
in Washington was AT banquet that the President was
10 attend with the understanding that he should come
in late in the evening. y speaker with tine appear
anrc and a flow Of words that made the Niagara River
sound ike "a whispering brook, began MS speech with
"a long and involved ancCdOc. ] he dncCdotc started
with MIC being caught under fence in Rhode Island,
wandered through many other TRIALS ana trlbuatloIS,
domestic and foreign and concluded with the decara-
,n If war against Great Britain by this country IN
1872 ~ 20 length and multiplicity OF detail" II was me
most remarkable story that ever dragged across
the cotTcccIps lust as the speaker came 10 the closing
sentence Of the story the President arrived ana was
greeted with a storm Of applau
But this interruption did not daunt the speaker.
as WAS saving Mr. President he began, ana, with
monumental disregard for the feelings {" three nun
drcd ovcrcd men, he wadcd right in and told that story
all over again.
And the Presidents was the "nIy nearly l"'s" "e
gou
THERE are among the prominent men IN the ma
L tiOnal capital some who make II Il rule never 10
accent an invitation to banquet. long time ago
there WAS an idea a suspicion. innate feeling, on me
f,art Of man that he had TO be acquainted with man
before he could invite him To dinner or accept ms m
,;t,,;on 10 dine That vcsgc Of false pride, that pale
and Huttcring remnant of modcsty that cumbrouS part
81 an antique and useless courtesy, has been demolished
Il +. not now question Of whether YOU know nm IL
+, merely consideration OF whether YOU want MN 10 DC
with YOU. Somewhere in the dark ages OF long ago