The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-06
Justice of the Peace Next

The Justice of the Peace had listened
to this doggered with undisguised impa-
tience, and at it's conclusion he cut in
with some remarks of a poetical cast:
Right now | am toting away from the
Post office wash tubs of mail from our
gifted Congressman. among which is
lurid romantic sheet looking like Sea-
side Library about Old Cap Collier, en-
titled the Congressional Record. This
record is supposed to contain the min
utes of the last meeting of the National
Legislators. and it changes the subject
nearly as often as a dictionary. | have
looked carefully through every page of
this magazine, and there aint a joke in
it, and no murders, nor fightin Injuns,
nor love-making nor nothing else that
makes modern fiction fit to read. Its the
rottenest, dullest Dime publication l have
ever got stung on. No wonder the gov
ernment don't charge any postage on it;
it aint worth postage
'At first | thought l was getting
thriller as l glanced skimmingly through
the pages and about every half page I
would read the words Will the Gentle
man yield?' and thinks [ to myself, this
is real hot tamale of a romance of the
Sir Walter Scott pattern, where two
knights churn each other up and down
until one of 'em gifts flung from his hoss.
and the other alights from his noble
steed. unlaces his fallen foes hemlet, and
with his trusty sword at his throat asks
him the question above-but shueks-in-
stead of tubs of blood, the Gent addressed
usually yielded and the other fellow
then talked on for about two pages of fine
print and didn't butcher nobody.
after wading through page after page
of hog-wash of this romance. and getting
mad enough every minute to scrap with
my grand-mammy on account of the alb
sence of short hair and human gore in its
columns, l at last found an Agricultural
item in the issue of Tuesday, June, IT,
1913 on page 2303 that sorter caught my
attention. 1t was headed: Texas Sheep
and Goat Raisers Association, San An
tonic Tex, April 23d 1913. Hon Thos b.
Catron, United States Senate, Washing
ton, D. c. Dear Sir: AS members of the
Executive Committee of the Texas Sheep
and Goat Raisers Association, each of
us having had from 20 to so years person
al knowledge of the Angora Goat Raising
business in Texas. and some of us not
having owned a Goat during the last past
several years. and the majority of the
members of this Committee being of life
long Democratic political affiliation, and
this Committee being unanimous in the
opinions herein expressed, having only
the welfare of our Country under consid-
Grafton, and wishing to encourage the up
building of the Angora Goat industry re-
SpectlullN make knOWn TO you tHe neeuS
of the Angora Goat raisers etc
What's Needed With Goats
"Whats the use of bothering the Law
making power of a great and Glorious
Nation with what Democratic Angora
Goat Raiser needs? Everybody knows
that what a person needs when i'm the
presence of plain, unadorned William
II. Goat is a bottle of disenfectant and
a stout hickory club. If he is a Demo-
crat. and as well soused as Is usual with
a Texas Democrat he doesn't need the
disenfectant I don't know how the An
CORA Goat ranks, but if he is any ranker
than the odoriferous Billy he is dandy.
Them democrats with lifelong political af-
filiations with 30 years personal knowl-
edge of the Angora Goat raising busi-
ness, out in Texas, certainly ought to
have their clothing fumigated before
they applied for a job in a Guano fac
tory. Gents l have been up against a lot
of robust smells in my checkered career,
but for stout, lusty violent strength and
athletic odor that no chemicals will allay,
gimme a herd of Goats. every time
THE smell of gourds and dog-fennel
is Talcunl powders to it, and niger va
grants in the Calaboose is violets along
side of it. No wonder some of the MEM
bers of that Goat raising Association
have not owned goat during the last
past seNeidi yedIS-tHeIn DemOcratS nau
probably married during the LAST past
several years. and their wives put the
kibosh on any further personal affilliation
with them buffers. A married woman
can stand her husbands breath when 1t
smells of corn whisky Limburger Cheese,
pipe and onions, but mix this perfume
with the boquet from a herd of Goats and
the atmosphere appears to her as slightly
tainted. These reflections are not pub
liShed in the volume SO-called fiction
that our congressman sawed off on me
under the title of the Congressional Rec
ord, but it.
On Getting a Wife
'"rhis here thing of getting a wife aint