The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-01-19

buO was siiSIll dS lndl lHuiNluudl SCNNASo
himself. and with a scowl proceeded to
deliver himself of few remarks on the
modern woman, especially the modern
emancipeted woman.
''The modern woman has so recently
been released from the environments of
her sex that she does not know how to
amuse herself. She takes things too seri-
ousy-she works too hard at play. Her
club amusements, and social gatherings
are too much of a deadly grind. Instead
of fritterng away her young life in a
vain effort to make rasberry jelly. on the
first strike she now burns the midnight
oil in preparing an elaborate essay for
the woman's Alphabetical Federation of
Clubs society on the subject of 'Prehis
toric Evidences of Dramatic Tendencies
J In the Antideluvian Jewish Autonomy
.she no longer considers that a cruel
fate has destined her to be the married
slave of some low-browed, sway-backed
man. whose lofty mission in life is to
whack mules and join lodge-but a
higher destiny awaits her, crammed full
of defunet parliamentary law, and the
intestines of Appletons Encyclopedia.
Her dress may remain unkempt, and her
hair stay unbung, while she is putting
burning thoughts on paper for the bene-
fit of the club-(pronounced "key-iub'D
on the abstruse theme of 'Altruism tf
the Sub-clavican Period-but she wots
II not-not a wot.
II don't know whether the country is
ripe for a discussion of this momentous
question, but in my opinion we are con-
fronted with a danger that is liable and
likely to jostly the everlasting founda-
tions of our whole social fabric. Not only
is the mutual confidence and turtle-dove
reciprocity of the domestic circle in dan
ger of falling into state of innocuous
desuetude. but the modern women are
rapidly advancing to that point of reck-
less desperation where they won't care
Tinkers- -Mother-of horse whether
Hubby is amused, cared for, cudded,
comfortable or otherwise. Already they
seem to gloat over the tendency of man
to drop to the dull level of a minority re-
port, or bob-tailed funeral procession.
IF this literary dissipation continues
the relations between man and wife will
grow strained, even to ravelling. She
usl, soon cease to smell his breath when
he returns from the lodge, or kick his
vertabrae into his hat on the most unex-
peeted occasions. After awhile the broken
hearted benedict will betake himself to
latc suppers and coffin varnish, and he
will poke about with the solemn convic-
ton that life is, after all, but q fearful
journey TO the tomb.
Likewise this literary revelry will ul-
Il1DaIely De1nlc1OuS1N ATTEST the Dtduty
OF our fair women, just as the fruit tree
business, the prize fighting oratorcal con-
test and other forms of manual labor
leaves its indelible impress upon the hu-
man face divine. If this thing keeps
up our ardent masculine wooings whis-
pered among vine embowered front
porches, will be answered by startling
female with a complexion like tan
bark walk, and a voice akin to the sad
wall of a planning MILL
THE woman who begins to tamper with
this maddening thirst for the class of de-
funct literature peculiar to Plato, Nero,
Shero and the United States patent Of
flee commissioner, is not safe-her feet
are planted on the edge of a smouldering
volcano. At any moment this uncon-
trolled appetite may fill her life with
orauue gloom, and knock her beauty gall
ley west. 1t is getting time for us down
trodden men to stand shoulder to shoulder
on this great burning question. AS for
myself. live or die, survive or perish,
when / shall have run MY course and
sleep in blessing mid the flowers of the
valley, / want daisy to weep DER my
tomb. and l strenuously kick at the idea
of being mourned over by a lot of glass
eyed gazelles whose general appearance
will kill the vegetation. | am aware that
this outspoken, statesman like expression
of opinion may make me unpopular-it
may result in reducing me to poverty so
sheer that | will have to cut down my
collection of dogs to one brindle colored
pet in whose veins flows the blood of
every known variety of dog of which his
tory informs us, but l will at least have
the proud satisfaction of having uttered
words of warning before this fatal habit
fixed its clutches on Its victim, and she
who now yields will do so, against my
protest and without my aid"
"Talking about feet" said the Old
f,.1c af a1 frin
and law partner of mine named Horn
doogin-Dewberry p. Horndoogin. 1t
is solemn fact that the feet of Mis-
ter Horndoogin-Dewberry p. Horn
doogin-were abnormal. Within the
circumference of my peregrinations l
/, have no positive recollection of OBJ
serving more colossal pair of pedal
extremities than were possessed by the
said Horndoogin. In our youthful days
we were mutually enamoured of two
sisters, Caruthers by name, who were
as beautiful as they were wealthy. My
partner Horndoogin-D. p. Horndoo-
gin-more Familiarity known as Dew
berry P, courted the younger sister
most assiduouslyj out the veranda
with his feet comfortably propped up
on the balusters.
But Dewberry got mad and quit
pressing his suit because old man zimri
Caruthers, the father of the girl, asked
him to please tuck his feet somewhere
down in the basement. as when they
were up on the bannisters it made the
front yard so shady the flowers were
all dying.
"Old John Gasser, neighbor of Ca
ruthers, had mule that would work
in harness, but no living human be-
ing could ride her except Horndoo-
gin-the animal thought she was be-
tween the shafts when she could see
Dewberry's feet ahead of her, and so
she'd go along as quiet as Sunday
school First case 1 ever had in a
court was that of a bootblack suing
Dewberry because Horndoogin had re.
fused to pay for the lumber that went
into the scaffoldng when d. p. got
his shoes shined. Lawyers all recollect
the case; it's reported in Steenth Ala
bama, case of Sprawls versus Horn
doogin, page 25; case was reversed be-
cause the trial judge asked juror If
It was whisky of carbolic salveA he
smelt on his breath-leading case on
: misconduct of a trial judge. Noticed
not long since in newspaper of a no.
bile deed of former Alabama lawyer |
out in Texas. 1t seems nigger baby
died In a town remote from a lumber
market, and there wasn't enough
boards in the place to make the baby a
coffin prominent member of the
bar a. that town generously donated
-. yrSt cs,oa and tho 4-vear-Old cOon