The News-Herald. [volume] (Hillsboro, Highland Co., Ohio) 1886-1973, 1913-01-16
Wife No
BY M. QUAD
Copyright, 1912, by Associated Lit
erary Press.

berry swamp" replied Uncle Abner
Shorts as some one in the crowd at
the postoffice put the question, "but
I've heard sadder news that that to-
day-yes,. good deal sadder. Is it
that any one we all know is dead?
No, but perhaps it was better for him
if he was dead. l don't want to keep
you in suspense, and | will therefore
say that George Green got married to-
day for the second time.
Il hain't looking for anybody to be
shocked dead at the news. 1t has jest
set me to thinking and aroused heap
of recollections. You all know that |
lost my wife three years ago, and aft
er year l married again and am now
living with No 2. | reckon it's also
purity well known that No bosses
the roost
There was folks in this village, gen
temen, who said that Id grieve my
self to death over my loss, anu there
were others who said I'd be shopping
around after No. within a year. As
for me, | felt that was wasting
away and was powerfully surprised
OhC uuS W uuu NY Sell edlllS uedIllly
of boiled dinner. From that time ]
began to pick up, but for months after
ward | had no more thoughts of mar
rying gin than Lemuel Goodheart has
of putting his foot ag'in a hot stove.
1t seemed to me that the man who lost
such an angel of wife as l had de-
served to be shot for thinking of mar
rying ag'in.
Jest when the idea hit me that I'd
better look around little for another
woman / can't say. think it was after
I'd cooked my own meals, made my
own bed, sewed on my own buttons
and washed my own shirts for seven
or eight months Then the feeling
stole over me that there was room in
the house for another. 1t sorter skeer-
ed me at first, but I'm saying that it's
feeling you can get used to in a day
or two. AS soon as ] began to won
der If really ought to marry ag'in
found myself advancing a dozen rea-
sons why l should.
"Well, it hain't no secret that look
ed around and found the Widder Glenn.
She might have been looking around
at the same time, but I'm not going to
say that such is the case. At first it
was question with me whether a
widower could love for the second
time. Within a week after | had hit
the widder's trail that question was
settled in the affirmative. found my
self heap more in love than on the
first occasion. All of you was kind
enough to say that l made burned
fool Of myself, and, though l couldn't
see 1t then, I'm admitting most of 1t
now.
Gentlemen, was two long months
hesitating over asking the widder to
be mine, and yet the rest of you was
saying that she'd jump at the chance.
Mebbe you was right. | know that
when l finally managed to get up the
courage | hadn't hardly got my mouth
open before she says yes.
And now comes the real pint I'd
been boss of the house, same as all of
you are boss of yours. Wasn't it nat
eral for me to keep right on bossing? |
Had the thought of surrendering the |
reins Of government occurred to me?
Is man and husband to be treated |
like child or a slave? At the first |
go-otf her bossing was a novelty, and |
l rather liked it and encouraged it. |
was still in love, you see. After about |
2 month the novelty wore off, and |
began to assert myself. took the |
bossing business into my own hands. |
What folleredP Why, that wife got |
right up on her hind legs and made
the air blue for forty rods around. She
got out ten words to my one When
] took her by the ear to sit her down !
and hush her up she lit into my hair
and pulled it out by handfuls.
Gentlemen, who bosses the roost?
Mrs. Shortsi
"Who handles the cashi Mrs. Shorts!
"Who tells me when ] can go and
when / shall come? Mrs. Shorts!
"Who gives me liberty to draw my
breath? Mrs. Shorts!
Pm only telling you what you oil
know and what is the gossip of the
town. She made up her mind when
she became No. that she'd be the
boss, and she's carried it out. That's
the way with all No. rs. No. knuck
les down and lets you do the bossing
and thinks it's all right, but No. is
no such chicken. She intended to get |
the whip hand when she married you,
and she's going to keep it or raise such |
a row that you'll wish you was in
your grave.
Understand, gentlemen, that I'm |
saying nothing agin Mrs. Shorts. |
She's finer'n silk. o Lord, but such |
picked peaches as she does put up! |
And apple sass-lt makes you grin |
from your neck to your heels! Just |
one Of the incest women in the coun-
try, and l hope that she'll outlive me
by twenty years. but have had to use
her as an Illustration. She married |
me to be boss and she is boss, same |
as all the other No. rs. l hain't ex-
actiy saying that the man who loses
No. shouldn't look for a No. 2. but |
Pm saying that If he does he ought /