The Washington herald., 1913-12-14
ARIZONA KICKLETS
( Givedam Gulch Is Always Newsy

Is Always lNeWSy
editor should be at the top-notch Il
photography and grammar, and he viii
never be called upon to make Fourth
of July speech or New Years address
He may be cross-eyed, part his hair In
the middle, and limp in both legs. and W,
shan't inquire whether he has had a re
ligious training or been brought up II
the arms of vice. We want a man whC
can shoot two-handed, and has got tn,
| sand to face anything in this locality OF
legs. Our last horse editor was supposed
to be a tip-topper with the gun, but tht
other day he backed water before al
| empty pistol in the hand OF a haif-breed
and thus disgraced the whole staff. We
gave him just five minutes to get out OF
the Office, and we understand he has
gone East to work in a soap factory fol
the season. No man who mistrusts his
sand should apply for the position. He
has got to have at least barrel Of 1t In
his craw to hold the place for a single
week.
OUR WEATHER BUREAU.
We have again established a weather
bureau in connection with the Kicker
office, and every day at noon we shall
put out bulletin giving the probabili-
ties for the coming twenty-four hours.
A year ago Col Mcfarland entered our
office and proceeded to kick the uphol-
stery out OF everything he could reach
because We predicted a cyclone which
didn't come Six months later Maj. Tay-
lor did the same thing, and shot the
hands of our eight-day clock to boot,
because it rained when we predicted dry
weather.
We now wish it distinctly understood
that our only facilities for weather pre-
dieting are a set of compases, a carpen-
ter's rule, a lead pencil and a rheumatic
] leg. We shall make mistakes, but they
will be errors of the rule and pencil in
stead Of the heart Our aim will be to
come as closely as possible and with
that the public must be satisfied. We
firmly refuse to be held responsible for
any mistakes, and any critter mean
enough to put the responsibility on us
will find us in our sanctum with a loaded
gun at either elbow.
TT DIDN'T WORK.
Last Tuesday a party arrived in town
and set up a side show in which The
Kentucky Fat Boy was the principal
attraction. although a three-legged kan
CARGO was supposed 10 hold him a close
second. 1t was soon discovered that the
kangaroo was a stuffed Japanese dog.
and that that fat boy, who was adver-
tised to weigh $50 pounds, was padded out
with hay or some other substance. Some
of the audience wanted to feel of him.
to make sure that all was aboveboard,
but this the Snowman would not permit.
Soon after his refusal the ball opened.
The air was thick with flying fur OF
the kangaroo, the fat boy was busting
down the river road. and the Snowman
was disappearing into the woods to the
east Somebody set fire to the tent.
which was totally consumed, and then
the joyful crowd enthusiastically dis
persed. We are a backwoods town and
a primitive people, but three-legged dogs
and stuffed boys can't pull the wool over
Uncle Joshuas eyes at fifteen cents ad-
mission. spotted COW might be worked
off on US for a rhinoceros from South
Africa, but even then the Snowman
ought to have the Lords Prayer ready
at hand.
NOT THE WHISKY.
The coroner's jury IN the case of Bill
Wilcox, who dropped dead Thursday
evening after taking drink at the
Last Chance saloon, decided that it was
not the whisky which brought atSut
the sad end. Bill had been drinking
the same brand for fourteen years. and
although the vitriOl in it would eat up
a hairpin in ten minutes, the coating or
his stomach was supposed TO be PROOF
against any action of any sort of acid.
He probably had some heart trouble.
We think it must be so, because he
asked for a drink to be "chalked down,
and to his great amazement II was
handed out. The surprise must have
brought about a fatal shock to the
he Gad a
harmless crtter. who never even
kicked about the weather, and we hope
he's brought up in temperate climate.
NO RAILROAD WANTED.
BY invitation Of the mayor. aldermen
md most of the eminent citizens OF
CLAW Hill, we went over to that town
Thursday evening to deliver railroad
speech. Clay Hill wants railroad as
badly as a jack rabbit wants hind legs,
and we had it all figured out to cent
90 70 the benefits she would receive.
We have made a good many good
sneeches. but that was to be the speech
~ our life. We were introduced by the
mayor in a few glowing remarks which
tickled our vanity, and We never felt
more like Swimming the cream on the
milk of oratory when we pulled down
our vest and stepped forward with
Fellow Citizens.
We haven't been able to find out
what allied the audience of 200 men, but
we hadn't spoken ten words before 1t
became evident that something was
wrong. The first missile struck US on
the lower vest button and the second in
the neck. After that they became so
thick that we didn't keep track Of
where they landed. Three minutes from
the time we made our bow we were out
Of the back door and on our cayuse,
and we didn't tarry to guess any. CO.
nundrums. That's where we differ from
most orators-we know when to cut of
short and go home. The mayor has for
warded his apologies, but he need not
have troubled himself. The Clay Killers
don't want a railroad and don't want us, |
and that's all there is to 1t, and they |
can go hang themselves!