The Salt Lake tribune. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1890-current, 1913-07-13
Dooley,

'' | will not. said Mr. Dooey. f1oW care ye
make such suggestion to me? If thought ye
had six cints in yeer clothes I'd sue ye f'r libel
wud So I'll have ye to know that these secr1t
rurors that ar-re circulatin' around about me
dhrnkin' habits has got to stop l do not dhr1nk
beer butthernlilk pop, ice crane sody, sarsprlly'
or tay in amy form. Whin much fatigued be
talkin' to ye l sometimes take glass iv brandy
with tayspoonfu iv milk in it. But not often,
as do not like tn taste iv milk. Whin have
chill or thirst dhrnk modhratey iv bucket or
two iv whisky, brandy, rum, gin, karosene, or
gasolene l niver take champagne except Whln
tn doctor ordhers it, an if tn dock ordhers 1t
he's got to pay fr it, too. I niver dhrink cham
paene. An there ye have in few brief wurruds
me innocent dhrinkin' habits"
"What ARE ye talking about?' said Mr. Hen
messy. eye niver dhrink har'ly anything at all.
"I know it," said Mr.. Dooley, "but I don't
want it to get out I'm thinkin' iv goin back into
pollyticks again, an I want tn earnest drinkers
iv tn country to feel that I'm wan lv thlIn
They're large an 1nnooncnal body 1v men an
much NEGLECTED So if ye hear amy ru1riors in tn
fashnable clubs that we frequint that a.; rot
honrary prisidint v tn Ancient Ordher iv Alco-
holcs that don't have TIL pain killer piped into
me while I sleep, or that me on'y physical exer-
else is not deleeryurn threnens, l want ye to
denounce thin as base, false, an malicious. II
they ask ye, Did ye liver smell his BREATH? tell
thin ye have, that ye euddent help it. lvin' in tn
same sthreet If they ask ye, Did ye detict tn
prisince iv liquor?' tell thin that tn gusts firm
me pipes is practically ninety per cint pure
bensine, with a tayspoonful or two iv breath
added Tell thin iv tn time we found me on tn
sthreet corner thryin' to dance a turkey throt
with lamp post. Tell thin iv the polisnen I've
bate Let thin know that whn l go out lv town
an me frinds want to sind me home, which they
always do at once, they have to crate me up an
ship me be freight. Tell thin iv tn time ye see
me hurl me boot at tn polky dot elephant that
thried to get into bed with me. Here an now,
Hinnissy, l appoint ye me campaign manager.
If ye do yeer jooty I'll capture tn intire alcoholic
vote, an, judgin' be what see an hear On ction
nights, that ought to land me aisy in amy office
in Our beloved fatherland.
Sure, it's sthrange change has come over
our polytcks since I was captain iv me precinct.
We fallen, as Hogan says on Eliminate
days. Th' hardy an gloryous peeryod in tn his
thry iv TIL republic has passed, an tn times whn
Hinnery Clay an Dan'l Webster wud sit f'r hours
pushin tn scuttle to an fro acrost tn table has
gone to return no more Booze an iloquence has
both passed out v our public life. No longer is
tn gr-reat statesman carried to tn platform be
loving hands an ashed to tn railin' where him
an King Alcohol sings duet on tn splindors iv
H., o11- 49, a.,
but afther attn pepsn tablet an sippin' glass
iv light gray lirnonade he reads to tn assmbled
multitchood tn financial report iv tn Standard
lie compny f'r tn physical year endin' June first.
Mind ye, all this was befure my time. In
my day / niver knew gr-reat statesman that
dhrank or if he did he niver landed amy Job
betther thin clerk in tn weather Office. But as
Hogan says Shakespeare says they pretinded a
vice if they had it not. A poytician was a baten
man if tn story wint around that he was sidom
seen dhr1nk in public. His aim was to create an
imprissyon that he gay fellow, joyval
toss pot, that thought nawthin' iv putin gallon
iv paint into him durin' an avenins Entertainment
They had to exercise diplomacy, dye mind, tc
keep their regulations goin', Whin Higgins wa:
runnin f'r sheriff he always ordhered gin an
always give him water. Ye understand dom
ye? Ye know what gin looks like Well, wathei
looks like gin. Wan day Gallagher took up hi
glass be mistake an Higgins lost tn precinct b,
forty votes. Sinitor O'Brien held bolder coorse
He used to dump tn stuff tn fure whin M
wan was lookin' an go home with light foo
while swept out his constituents. Yes, sir, w
seen him pour into tn sawdust quarts an gallon
l. v me precious old Remorse Rye, aged be m
\ own hands on tn premises.
"Th' most unpopular prisidint we iver had wa
Rutherford B. Hayes-an' why? Was it becaus
he stole tl' rrisidincv AWAY firm Sara'1 Tilden