davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The fool-killer., 1913-02-01
TAFT's FAREWELL SERMON.

CO1u0 W IIl0 cIIu VI 11Io pO1IC1Sol
journey, and the shouts of Dem
ocratic pie-eaters were rending
the air around Washington, Big
Bill called his few faithful fol-
lowers around him and after this
manner spake he unto them:
Boys, it is finished. The jig
is up. The devil is to pay, and I
hear his collector knocking
at the door: We will have to
absquatulate pretty soon and
give our enemies possession.
They are all around us as thick
as army ants around a dead
caterpillar.
"And in these last sad hours
of our political life I thought it
fitting for us to get together and
hold a mutual modification meet
ing. I am glad to see this little
band of the faithful on hand to-
day. We are but a pitiful remnant
of what we used to be. There
fore let us mingle our tears in
mutual bereavement and bow
our heads and depart. But let us
have an old time hand-shake be-
fore we 60. Get out your hand
kerchiefs, boys, and don't be
ashamed to weep. This is time
that tries mems souls. We are
going out never to return, and
who would deny us the luxury
of tears? -.
II see Boss Barnes over there
come here, Brother Barnes, and
shake my hand. You are the
stuff, old boy. You did your best
to avert this calamity, and we all
love you for the fight you made.
Come along, Brother Penrose,
Brother Crane, and all you faith
full Standpatters. Let us drink
eur cup Of sorrow together and
go hence and be. forgotten.
Howdy, Brother Cannon hello
there, Brother Aldrich! It's COM
forting to see your dear faces
here on this sad occasion. God
bless Brother Archibald and
Brother Lorimer-here they
come!-two of the bravest mar
tyrs that ever died for a lost
cause. Shake their dear hands,
brethren, for they are prosecuted
without cause. That's right-hug
their necks, and let them hug
your necks, for misery loves
company. Oh, I am so glad that
Internal Roosevelt and his crowc
are not here, for they woulc
laugh at us. But this meeting i:
a matter just among ourselves
and the outside world will never
know, unless the editor Of TIL,
Fool-Killer happens to get holt
of it. That Fool-Killer is tn
darnedest paper I ever saw, any
how-always butting into ou
affairs and telling things that W
don't want told. And I'm in
The fool-killer., 1913-02-01
A CAT WEDDING.

Well, I'll be hang-taked! 1t does
simply get wusser and wusser..
For instance, / have just now
landed my lockers on notable
newspaper yarn which relates in
glowing language the solemn be-
trothal of two society cats. Yes,
dearly beloved, I mean real old
four-legged, fuzzy, squalling,
scratching cats. Don't take my
word for it, ladies and gentlemen,
but take a good grip on your
nerves and read the following
announcements:
MRS. GEORGE B. BRAYTON
requests the honor of your presence,
and that of your cat,
at the Betrothal Party of
The Quakeress and Don Dia, at
The Plaza Hotel, New York,
on December the 18th,
Grand ballroom. Four O'Clock.
The New York American goes
on and gives long list of New
York society bon-tons who took
an active part in getting up this
great cat wedding. They are
people who think themselves the
very top of the pot-away yander
too fine and good for common
folks to even look at and yet this
is fair sample of the sensible and
useful things they can do to help
the world along.
A cat wedding! Golly! Wonder
where I could hire two good hands
to puke for me, either by the job
or by the days
Just close your eyes and imagine
that scene in the Plaza Hotel.
Here comes . great drove of the
burned artificial she-things, each
with an old cat hugged up to her
cork bosom. I see them in my
minds eye as they crowd up to
the place where two painted
wenches are holding the bride and
groom by their respective tails
to keep them from fighting, and I
can imagine how they took on
over the surprising loveliness of
the beautiful bride.
This article would not be com
] plete without telling what the
bride had on, so here goes:
The bride wore whingle-ty-
what of real French wigglesnifit
over a de la durnsite of fine, filmy
, fuzzyeumfip; also an imported
ira Ia boom de aye dangle- ty- bob
! set with 29, 900 genuine rat-eyes
and held in place by hilojack-
robinson whatyoumacallit.
The wedding presents consisted
of seventeen bushels of dead rats.
= dishpan full of chicken bones
and . barrel of boarding-house
: biscuits. That ought to be enough
t for the darned things to 90 to
housekeeping on, and if they
live up to the reputation of their
two-legged society neighbors they
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-01-12

az and so did the guests. but it was no
use He just sat there Cabling away
while we wanted to hear the music. My
blood began to boil in my veins. and
gave him hint that would have silenced
an ordinary man, but he kept on talk
Ing, so l lost all patience and told him
l wanted to see him a moment In the
hail. When l got him there l handed him
his hat and coat and then pushed him
out of the house and told him if he ever
darkened my door again I'd cleave him
to the chin.
His father was just the same way
About every three months some leading
citizen punched his head through sheer
evaporation. remember one night
there was a splendid show at the opera
house. 1t was Uncle Toms Cabin. and
appeared as Marks the lawyer and Ellen
Terry Topsy. 1t was grand pro-
duction that appealed to the best of us.
Well, old man kerswat had a seat in
the parquet, and he just kept on talking
in a hOarse whisper that could be heard
all over the house, until the people were
ripe for riot and the actors looked
though they would stain their hands in
blood before the night was over.
THE play came to that affecting part
where Little Eva is being hoisted to para
disc on pink cloud, while jubilee sing
ers behind the scenes sing an appropriate
hymn, and We were all mellow and some
of us were weeping. Old Kerswat had
been quiet minute or two. but just at
the most poignant moment he began
again.
Then that audience rose as one man.
We carried Kerswat out of the house
and dumped him into a mudhole in the
middle of the street and then threw
bricks at him. He used crutch for
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-01-12

things. but he began telling of horrible
experiences he had had in dentists offices
1t was blood-curdling to hear him.
He told how a dentist broke one of his
snags and then had to dig 1t out with a
hammer and cold chiseL and how another
dentist pulled his jaw out of it's socket
and so on. Pretty soon one of the suf-
ferers got up and sneaked down the
Kerswat and l were the only ones left.
Then the dentist opened the door of his
operatin room to summon the next pa
tent to the torture, and when he saw the
waiting room almost empty he wanted to
know what had happened.
II was feeling SO sore at kerswat that
divulged the truth in all it's hideous
censed than that dentist. He seized
kerswat by the ears and dragged him
into the hall and kicked him downstairs.
and when | heard the misguided young
man going bumpety-bump down the steps
on his shoulder blades / was sorry for
what I had done.
"A few days later. when my toothache
had abated, l bought some new records
for my monograph. They were unusual
to hear a. concert. Just to extend the
olive branch I invited young kerswat.
He came to my house fairly beaming with
peace on earth and good will toward men.
There's no malice in him, I'll say that
for him. Presently 1 wound up the ma
chine and began playing and the neigh
bors cooked up their ears and listened
in my best rocking chair with his leg
over one arm, kept on talking, talking.
talking.
Il looked at him as savage as a meat
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-01-12
At the End Of the Rainbow.
THE TIRELESS TONGUE.
BY Walt Mason.
BY Walt Mason.

ITS queer how people avoid young
Kerswat," remarked the school super
intendent. HE seems a bright, clever,
good-natured fellow, yet few people seem
to like him."
1.-THE trouble with Christopher Kerswat
is the trouble that afflicts the majority
of American citizens, but he has it in an
aggravated FORM declared the Oldest in
habitant. He talks too much. and he
talks when the sign isn't right. He has
no Judgment of tact and is always getting
into trouble.
Zone day last winter he went up to
Doc Dingers dental bazaar to have his
fangs overhauled, and he found the wait
ing room pretty nearly full of people
waiting their turn. l was among them
and the side of my face looked as though
l was chewing a pumpkin. The rest were
as miserable as myself and most of them
were wiping away tears Well, in came
kerswat, and he saw he'd have to wait
a while. so he sat down and began talk
ing. We might have endured him If he
had discoursed of cheerful. optimistic
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-01-12
CHICAGO PRODUCE.

CHICAGO, January 11.-Today's prices
for grain. after the bullish debauch OF
the two previous sessions. declined mod
erately. as did provisions Fluctuations
were rather narrow and the volume OF
business moderate.
A heavy snowfall in Kansas preced
ing the predicted cold. and the prospec,
of large shipments from Argentina We're
bear factors in wheat. The fact thai
shorts had pretty we'll eliminated them
selves during the previous two days also
worked AGAINST prices At the close May
was IA over the bottom, but 1saA under
yesterday.
Corn opened sharply higher. but it soon
developed that this was due to bidding
by scattered belated shorts who missed
the bull band wagon yesterday. On the
modest decline which ensued considera-
BILE corn was worked for export, lending
a firm undertone to the market. Snip
pers are finding difficulty in meeting the
demands of export buyers for early ship
ment, owing to the non-consummation OF
earlier sales.
Trade in oats was chiefly of an even.
ing-up character typical of weekend
sessions May closed Is down.
Provisions declined in sympathy with
hogs. meeting good demand at the low
er level Final quotations were ~ to
12k under yesterdays, but at the tor
for the day.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-01-12
BY GEORGE w. SIMMONS,

President of the simmons Hardware Company OF
ST. Louis
Commercial paper is our staple bank
able security. Ii plays exceedingly
important part in our great credit struc-
ture. and is one of the most potent
factors in our prosperity. 1t speeds faster
the wheels of industry. Through it, ex-
pansion in the volume of business is made
possible. In many cases il enab leS the
introduction of our products aboard, thus
being of invaluable assistance in keep
ing our trade balances on the right side
of the ledger In my opinion it is so
valuable a contribution to business inter-
ests that it's use will continue steadily to
increase and to broaden.
Generally speaking. bank loans may be
divided into two classes: Loans on paper
secured by stock exchange collateral and
ION commercial paper secured by one or
more names. Each of these classes may
he Subdivided into paper payable on de-
mand and long or short time PAPER.
The paper secured by stocks and bonds
is. as rule. not used in commerce and
industry. but i'm speculation. 1t is one
OF the evils of our present banking sys-
TEN that under IT idle bank funds flow to
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-01-12
Credit for Productive Industry.

In either of these cases we have two
name paper. based on actual goods in
transit from the producer to the con-
sumner and dependent for payment in
the last analysis not merely upon the
commercial integrity of the men who
made it. but upon the ability of the pub
lie to consume the goods it represents.
In the case of one-name paper the wis
dom of a bank granting n loan depends
upon what it knows of it's client. II the
total amount desired is moderate in COM
parison with the clients total assets and
especially in comparison with his current
receipts. it is good loan. There is none
safer. IL should be understood that the
selection by banks of such paper should
he carefully made. They must have the
facts about the business of the concern
asking the loan. Usually banks have a
bureau of information devoted to this
purpose. called credit department. thor
oughly posted as regards the commercial
paper offered to IT,.
This department may. in some in
stances. call for fun statement of the
concerns business. may even employ
outside accountants to go over its books.
II may, if il sees fit. demand to know
whether the loan required is based upon
actual commercial transaction, and
may demand evidences of the transa ton
1t is often found advisable in cases of
large loans on commercial paper to split
the loan into q number of notes. which
axe sold by note brokers to different
banks. 1t not infrequently happens that
a small bank will buy four or FIVE pieces
Of we'll known commercial paper in this
way as an investment for idle funds
and in that case. If some unexpected de-
mand is made upon the bank go that it
needs funds promptly. il will send as
much OF this paper as may be required
10 fill its need TO its city correspondent
70. rpdiScOunt
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-01-12
WHOLESALE MARKET REPORT.

Quotations gwen below are for large
lots. Jobbers' prices are higher.
EGGS-Nearby fresh Virginia. 25a26
West Virginia and southwest Virginia
24ao5: Tennessee, 24a2j.
BUTTER-Elgn fancy. per h., 36a3S
western firsts. 34a36: seconds. 34a35
store packed. 1890
CHEESE-New York state factory, new
l9a191a.
POUITRY-Hens per h., Halls: roost
ers. per h., Sac; turkeys, 17a1S; chickens
l6a1S: ducks, per h., Halls.
DRESSED POJLTRY-Hens, choice
per H.. Hale: turkeys, per h.. 1sa2l
ducks 14a16: chickens l5a1S.
GREEN FRUITS-Apples. box, 1.OOa2 90
bbI .OO to 40: Florida oranges, 2.OOa2.So
oranges. California. box, 2.J0a3.O; grape
fruit. per box. 2.25a3.OO; pineapple, 2.Ua
20. cranberries. Dbl. S.OOalGOO; tanSer.
ines per strap, 2.OOa3.O.
HAY AND STRAW-Hay, western, No
I. 2OOOaoO. 30; No. =. 15.O0a1SW: mixeo
hay. 12OOal6.CO; straw, rye, bale, 6'Oa
no: machine thrash, 9.O0alO.O; straw
wheat. per ton. G.50a7.W; straw. oat. pei
ton, 7.OOa1.JO.
VEGET ABLES-Potatoes, No. l. pei
bu., 5casO: per bbl., 1.25a1.75; No. 2. per
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-01-12

Dbl. 75a1.OO; sweet, per Dbl, 25Oa3.OO
sack, iCoa11o; Spanish, per crate.
5Oa1.oo: cabbage. per 100 lbs. 5Oa
10: caulifiower. per basket, l.30a2.OO; let
tuce, per basket, jOa1.75; string beans
Florida. per basket. 2.O0a3.OO; beets. per
100 punches. 2.jOa3.JO: tomatoes. per crate
1.5Oa3.Oo: celery. per doz.. 5oaO; egg
plant per crate, LOAF. %; celery, per
crate, 3OOa5.OO; peppers. 1.25a1.5O pei
crate; Florida white squash, 1.0Oa1.25 pei
crate; parsley, Florida, per basket 1.75a
2.OO.
GAME-Rabbits per doz., No. l, 2.O0a
2.2o; No. 2. per doz., 1.OOa1.5O.
LIVE STOCK-Sheep, per h., 21za3k
lambs. per h., 7aS; calves, choice. per
h., II: medium, per h.. TO-
WOOL AND HIDES-Wool. washed
free of burrs, per lb.. 3Oa32; wool, un-
washed, per h., 26a27; hides, dry, per h.,
1saD. green, per h.. II; salt hides, dry,
h., Is. green, per h., ID; calfskins. green.
each, 1.2oal.75.
GRAIN-Wheat. per bu., S5a1Oj: corn,
shelled, per bu.. 60a6J ear, new, per bbl.,
2.sOa32J.
SEEDS-Clover. red. 11.7oa12.25: clover,
alsike, 12.OOa13.25; timothy, 2.15a2JO: blue
grass. l.50a2.OO: orchard grass. 1.Soal go.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-01-12
MARKET FOR TRADE LOANS
URGENT NEED OF BANKING

its field is folly. 1t is now liquid within
certain fields. being convertible into cash
with more or less ease in times of in
dustrial confidence And even in times
| of stress il has demonstrated its worth.
| i was immensely impressed with this
| during the panic of 1907. At that time
| we had large outstanding commercial ac-
counts. which. although they were not
| secured by commercial paper We're
| closely akin to it. We simply stopped
( buying goods: and as We had always
! paid cash for everything, we had moth
| ing but current expenses to meet. AT
maturity of our current accounts, those
who could not pay in full would send
us. say. one-half. and little later
another remittance and so on. l appre-
| bend that not , per cent of the COM
mercial paper floating at that time went
| unpaid was renewed.
1t is readily apparent that commercial
| paper bridges the interval between the
| production and the consumption of goods.
and gives the merchant or manufactures
ready funds for the continuance OF his
! business. without waiting for the pur-
chaser or consumer to whom he has eX-
tended thirty, sixty or ninety Gays
credit. to make payment. Further than
that. 1t encourages him to use his money
more freely in the way OF experiments
i'm Improved methods and improved ma
chinery-feelng confident that he can De
safe from financial embarrassment In SO
doing. l know of a case in which the
manufacturer of one of the important
products of the country so improved MS
processes as to reduce the cost 1uiIy one
third This was made possible solely by
the fact that, through the use OF COM
merciaJ paper. the manufacturer was
enabled to get the money with which ex-
perments were made to devise thereto
fore unknown mechanical appliances.
National Credit Bureau.
Commercial paper is so important
part of our Industrial fabric that I be-
should establish some kind of a bureau
of Information to scrutnize the business
of the concerns issuing it, In this way
great deal of reliable information could
be. placed at. the service of those desiring
to invest in such paper-particularly
banks-information not only as to the
concerns assets and current receipts,
but as to the extent of the loans extend
cd to it from various sources. CONNER
cial paper would then become the most
desirable paper any bank could buy, SO
far as regards safety.
I believe that when we have new
banking syStem-for must have one
If we are to avert another panic-lt Will
be perfectly proper to have some ar
rangement-under careful provisions and
regulationS-whereby the banks may re-
discount their commercial paper with
cooperative agency. This would provide
them with prompt relief in times of
stress, and would help to prevent money
panics Such provision certainly
should DE a part.o any measure looking
to a revision and Improvement OF our
present banking system.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-01-12

New York to be loaned there on call,
with stock exchange security. And il is
one of the systems crying inJustices TO
the American business man that loans
secured by stocks and bonds are cheaper
in this country than loans which so to
further the operations of commerce ana
industry. The reverse holds true in Eu-
rome There commercial paper commands
the lowest rate of interest as it should.
The merchant receives accommodatlon
more cheaply than the Spectator.
Currency Based on Commerce.
This gross disadvantage to American
business arises from the fact that we
have no broad rediscount market for
commercial paper, such as is the founda-
ton of European credit machines.
Abroad this market forms the basis of
note issues. Our note issues are, bond
secured. and the daily adjustment of the
demand and supply of money primarily
results in an increase or decrease OF call
loans on stock exchange collateral.
If there is pronounced contraction and
liquidation, then stocks and bonds are
dumped onto the market, which says
under their weight. Disturbances are in
evitable. How much more logical would
be note issues based on commercial
paper which depend for liquidation
not upon the narrow confines of the
stock market. but upon the day-tO-day
consuming power of the entire nation.
The commercial paper arising out of
my business and out of most other in
dustries runs from thirty to ninety days.
1t may be based uron the actual ship
ment of goods or ii may be based solely
upon the commercial standing of the man
who makes it. In the first instance. it is
likely to be two-name paper The manu-
facturer or merchant who ships the
goods may demand the promissory note
of the merchant to whom he sends it and
ha obi coz Of cixyf1-
days When he receives this note he
may indorse it and then discount ii at
his bank Or he may draw on the Sec
ond merchant at sixty days sight, in
which case the second merchant accepts
il by writing across it's face the word
accepted with his name and the
date; and 1t then becomes an instrument
convertible into cash by discount
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-01-12
Lower Interest Rates.

But 10y establishing a broader market
Tor such paper interest rates would he
lowered in this country. II the market
We're still further broadened. to become
international as well as national In scope.
interest rates obviously would be still
further lowered The american merchant
necessary for his business. IL is obvious
that the cost of borrowed capital must
enter into the expense of conducting
every large business. IL interest rates
are increased the cost must be increased
OF every article into whose production or
distribution the use OF the borrowed CAPT.
tai enters.
The lower interest rates prevalent in
England and on the continent give mer-
chants and manufacturers there an I'M
mstakable advantage over their COM
petitors in the United States. Eng
lands unrivaIed monetary system and
her low rates Of interest to industrial
enterprises are large factors in her COM
mercial supremacy.
The Panama canal opening vistas OF
new business opportunities to America.
is on the verge of completion. VIII we
permit IL to become an added help to
foreign nations. or will We. by adopting
a scientific banking system, equip our
selves to reap full advantage of it?
That is question for the people Of the
United States to answer. 1t should be
answered before the canal is completed.
The answer should be i'm the form of
competent and expert remedial legis-
lation.
Commercial Loans Paid in 1907.
Commercial paper already has proven
OF such value to US that not to broaden
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-01-12
Man, 70, Disappears From Home

The police have been asked to search
for Zach Bridgeman, seventy-nine years
old who disappeared from his home at
Arlington Heights. Va, January I. The
missing man is said to be about five feet
seven inches tall. Weighing 100 pounds.
and when last seen wore a gray check
coat and corduroy trousers and a cam
paign hat.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-01-12

three months afterward. But it didn't
do him any good. He always talked the
town dizzy.
It'll be the same with his son. That
young man will go ahead talking until
the people rend him limb from limb, and
he'll continue talking while they are
doing it,
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-01-12
Lieut.. Col. Brett in Capital.

Lieut.. Col. Lloyd NJ. Brett. LIST Cavalry.
formerly adjutant general of the District
National Guard. and now stationed at
Fort Yellowstone Wyo.. is on visit 10
this city on leave of absence.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-01-12
DRY GOODS MARKET.

NEW YORK, January 1.-THE cotton
goods market ruled steady, the only soft
places being in a few lines of convert
bles and print cloths. Yarns were easier
Jobbers reported very satisfactory
opening of the new year.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-01-12
FRUIT MARKET.

NEW YORK, January 1l.-Evaporateo
apples-Quiet
Prunes-Steady.
Apricots-Firm.
Peaches-Steady.
Raisins-Firm.