New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1913-05-29
AS | WAS SAYING

AO L w 40 DA i Inv
That dry DRY humorist ex-Presdcnt Roosevelt
has valued his sobrety at mere trivial $1,000
but every little helps and mutitudos are asking
how $1,000 sobricty can he acquired. oh, easily
Feed paragraphs TO a metropolis
Then when it gets along toward NTH drink time
in the evening and the club reverberates with mrth
and song you will not be- there. For il will hav"
occurred to YOU that no device known 10 unhappy
science can prevent the next days being tomorrow
You will think Of that dear metropolis. You viii
reflect how blubbersome II would be If the metropo
us should wake up hungerug and thirsting for par
aeraphs and none in the panry
The wretch who can upple under circumstances
like these Is shameless dipsomaniac. and VIII
drink the cats milk.
In the Paper Of Puns" he contributes TO The
Century" Professor Brander Matthew quotes the
Autocrats sham quotation from Dr. Johnson. 10
trine with the vocabulary which Is tho vehicle OF
social intercourse TO tamper with the currency Ga
human intelligence"
Personally. however We are not alarmed. even /
though tampering should upset the vehicle. We
think the currency quite elastic enough 20 stand H.
But let that pass. The bare mention Of Dr john
son recalls a genuine quotation most soothing 10 +
that vast majority OF our citizens who are banging
their heads because they cannot sail for Europe.
40 man VINO has the contrivsnce 70 get himself
into a jail will g TO sea- for ship is jail, with
the chance Of being drowned.
The good lady who has reduced character study
10 an exact science" Informs Us that only
boundcr viii sign three names Whereas. mo- We
do il oursef and are indecently modest
When Young. were plain r. l.. Hogan. but
rascal forged ID. Four dollars Woof! So We
strewed difficulties in the path Of foreers by be-
coming Rene l. Hogan. Whereupon a 'olored
brother Of that name appeared IN the newspapers
al winner Of prizes at cakewaks and We were
shovered with unmered audatons. Hence our
present signature. Rene Levinsky Hogan.
1t is rather fussy matter. being President II
YOU set up as a living circus prayer meeting and
free fight people call YOU rash. II you don't they I
call you fat, torpid and lazy Happily. MI Wilson
understands this. Runs regular prancins' snort
ing Coney Island to keep US amused ana at inc
same time coddles his dignity.
The secret? Division Of labor. Simply hands
over the carnival features to Brothers Marshall
Redhed and Bryan, retaining the gentlemany ones
himself Never such an Administration! MI the
tumultuous hilarity Of T r., all the smiling seren-
itv Of Taft Everybody tickled-even the Republi-
cans and Progressves. WHO feel that last Noyem-
ber's election was victory for three parties And
II certainly was.
Let US now enjoy little music. Sings The Gin
cinnau Enquirer"
u had a friend;
loaned him ten.
haven't seen
Ny friend since then
Embodened by this. The Boston Transcript
pipes up:
Il had one, too.
/ his bail,
] wish he
Was back I'm iail.'
Alas. How revotngly ungrat cful a friend can
he, The most benevolent services too often 60 UNI
rewarded or worse and half the time il is next to |
impossble 10 guess why. For instance:
\ friend had We
But joined the strife
Against the trump
Who's his wife
saws Miss Bartelme, Of Chicago: u make. 1t
roint never TO send first offender 10 an institution
unless she seems a hopelessly incorrgible case
Awfulv catering TO the institution. II should now
AXE heart and resume its useful occupation of max
ing straw without bricks.
Miss Agnes Repplier has been remarkng that
merchants might perhaps cry up their wares lit
re more truthfuly, and quite agree with her as
,ro have lust heard a newsboy bawng, All about
yesterday dc end O. dc woild,' Having great sue
cess too. All sold out before We left X l.. r. !