The Cairo bulletin., 1913-12-14
U. S. MEX|CAN|zED
YCR|D!RONCLUB
At annual MEET
Merry Jests by Newspaper Men at
Yearly Banquet Delight
Guests.
PRESIDENT WILSON UNABLE
TO ATTEND; SICK AT HOME
champere Clarkista Orders Bryanns
Bryana's Vocal Cords
be Cut.

Washington. December 13.---How
the United States would be govern
ed under a Mexicanized administra-
tion; how the appetites of the hun
cry office seekers should be ar
peased; the secret of the perennial
domination of Tammy, and the best
way TO dispose of undesirable states
men---were some of the questions
which the Gridiron Club undertook
to answer in humorous vein before
a goodly company of distinguished
guests tonight at its annual Decem-
ber dinner.
The president could not attend
the banquet, as he was confined to
his bed with bad cold.
Few of the company escaped the
shafts Of wit President Wilson,
Vice-President Marshall, Secretary
Bryan and leaders in Senate aud
House came in for share on the
gridiron but L was evident that no
one enjoyed the grilling more than
the victims themselves.
Prospective candidates for Pres
idential nomination surely must
have leen discouraged at the tron-
bles and uncertainties ahead of
them. when the American govern
met Is conducted on the Mexican
plan, rs disclosed in the Opening
skt An extra edition Of an even
ing newspaper annouuced-"G Grave
Crisis in American Affairs. IT, S.
Mexicanized. Old Order Superseded
Dictator Takes Reins OF Govern
ment," Whereupon appeared in
the dining hall an army clad in rag
gcd but gaudy uniforms, headed hy
Esryanns Bryana followed closely by
one T,lmulto, with the announced
purpose Of giving an exemplification
of Mexican methods as applied to
American affairs.
Bryanna Bfyana---"Viva Next
col"
Tumulto- What's the Irish Of
Il? | can't talk Spanish"
b. B---"Well you and your chief
have been walking Spanish for some
time According to approved Mex
lean standards have grabbed the
Presidency"
Voice from Rear-"That's the on
" way YOU could get it,.
The Dictator then appropriated
all the money in the Treasury, and
ordered the execution of a. few con-
gressmen When arged to save
few for the next holiday he replied;
I've can begin on the Supreme
Court tomorrow.
Vice President Marshallera ap-
| peared and explaining that he had
heard there was a vacancy at the
White House claimed his rights He
was, however, promptly elected by
the Dictator with the remark
Rights! Why the only right you
have is to wonder about the Presi-
dents state Of health. and lam.
yery-well"
After increasing his own salary.
| Bryanna Rryana made all his army
generals; told them he could not
nav and sent them out to kill Char
uere Clarkista But that astute
leader won over the army with
promises Of pay and marching into
the ball. overthrow Bryana and or
deTed his execution; which sentence.
however, he was impelled to make
worse by adding "cut his vocal
cords"
Hardly had the new Dictator as
mmed office and killed Senators
IOGormane. Reedavera and Hitch
koko, before the army which has
been outside Reducing Senior
Bryana's income at its source" re-
turned headed by another Pretend
er---this time William Alsoran-
dolph Hersta." who demanded the
Presidency on the ground Of "the
million acres I own in Mexico. that
want this country to protect. :. He
ordered the army to kill Clarkista.
who bitterly replied: Too late.
That's whst your support did to me
at Baltimore"
Hersta seizing the reins OF pow
er announced that he wanted to in
| tervene somewhere, and when TIT
multo said: There's no war at
present" replied: start one then
and say I did IT, Then stop 1t aud
lsav slammed II
| HoosehuIlera appeared for the
| fourth time TO demand his rights"
but seuttled away when Hersts
threatened to print full reports OF
his speeches.
Py that time the fiekled minded
army had been taken by Battle
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