The Washington herald., 1913-02-20
srAgnHH-REAI AND NEAR
By FRED C. KELLY.


out In Ohio with Mr.. Taft last fall. and
paid visit to his boyhood home at
Barnesviile
Hilles had been a conspicuous figure
about the little town I'm his youtbfpI
days by virtue OF being captain of the
greatest baseball team in BarnesviIIe
history. II was natural enough that he
should be given something of an oya
ton on his return.
Among the townspeopie at the station
was colored man who rushed up and
took Hilles' grip and headed toward the
Let's see. can't quite place you,"
said HiIles
"Aw. you know me- said the recep-
ton committee: II was on that ball team
or YOURS. Don't you member"
Your face Is familiar" lied Hilles.
tritely, but I can't remember where you
played Just what was it you did on
the team
Why said the old friend. I'm the
fellow that always looked after the bat
bag
When Hilles and his team had defeat
ed all the promising mines in that part
of Ohio. shutting them all out without a
run. the Barncsrille folks saw that they
were overlooking chance to get them
selves on the map in the school geog-
raphies and railroad folders by not TAX
ing on some teams worth while. Capt.
Hilles had the best bunch of. ball play
ers in the country. it seemed. and they
had been wasting their time on Iot Of
shepherds. Several leading citizens got
together and arranged to bring on a
prominent team of professionals from
Philadelphia. Tickets sold readily for
the big slaughter. and everybody around
those parts not dead or in Jail came to
see Hilles and his followers make mon
KEYS OF the stuck-up professionals.
The Hilles bunch were not in GOOD
form that day, however, and the out-of-
town team managed to squeeze through
a victory. The score was l9i to !.
Senator Ike Stephenson OF Wisconsin
was so impressed with the story OF ths
prodgal son and other tales OF spend
thrifts when he was youngster thaI
he has never recovered from poyisn
notion that wastefulnes-- is sinful anu
that the way of the spendthrift is ths
way to ruin. So Senator Stephenson aims
70 avoid improvident sauandering of his
substance and tries to lay by h'tle
when he can for a rainy day.
And that rainy day reminds one Of the
occa sion a few weeks ago when Senator
Stephenson came out of the Senate once
Building with three or four young Wofh-
en- friends of his family and was dts
mayed to find himself face TO face win
a heavy downpour of rain that sho"e"
no sign of letting up. Two or three tax
icab drivers beCkOned TO him. ana one
couId almost see the dotted lines run
ming from the eyes of the young women
to the door of the nearest taxi The
Senator looked at the sky. then at the
street car track several rods away. and
hack to the sky again. Finally he suS-
gested:
.Mebby we'd better go back t" the
office and try TO find an umbrella.
They tell a story about Senator Steph-
enson getting into a dispute with hotel
clerk about a difference OF Sl-S IN ms
bill. After going into-er-ry angle OF the
supposed overcharge for more than three
quarters OF an hour. the Senator. nnally
maid the bill and went his way, chewing
his uuid gloomily. Just as the Senator
passed out of the front door an auto
mobile tire out in front blew up with
a loud report like pistol snot. the
Young hotel clerk. who attends all tho
shows, clapped his hand to his brow dra-
patically. and exclaimed:
My God! The Senator has shot him.
SELF
Alfred Henry Lewis. the writer. sprung
several bits Of comedy while presiding
over a doings at the National Press Clup
recently. One was the tale about tho
man who was sent by the smithsonian
institution out to study the manners ana
habits OF the Pawnces. He was expected
to make a voluminous report that would
fill at least n couple OF volumes. but in
Ff,A M n
vestigations in a ten-word message. He
said: o.
The Pawnees have no manners and
their habits are disgusting"
Henry W. Savage told the members "f
the Press Club that he felt greatly hon
ored TO know that he was the first the
atricaI manager ever invited to address
them. Whereupon Lewis said:
Il do not wish to rob Mr.. Savage Of
the honor and glory that he feels Is his.
bur I must remind him that he is per-
haps the only New York manager VINO
speaks English
man from down in the hills of Ten
nessee came up here recently To see
about a job that had been promised him
and confided his troubles to Represents
tive Martin Litt!et"n.
I've met a few liars IN my time lie
said. You've heard the story about the
man down in Tennessee who was such =
liar that he had to get somebody else t."
call his hogs for him: Well. here in
Washington they've got EN- lot worse 4
that
"My observation has been" remarked
Senator Culberson the other day. dft"-
n particularly distractInG dav with ap-
propriation hills. that the members "f
Congress who come here with the idea
of being watchdogs of tie Treasury end
I'd not as watchdcSs. but as just merely
dogs
Copyright, 1913 by Fred c Kelly All nshts re
Sryed.l