Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-01-26
NATIONAL TOPLINER
THOMAS ]. PENCE is the human bill


the hard heads of the hooligans, or insert
ing it into the delicate and pulsating brains
of the highbrows, Thomas ]. is the most fin
ished full and frequent performer known to
the halls of history since Julius Caesar wrote
the stuff proving himself the greatest war
wizard who ever wizzed.
In other words, Mr. Pence, wearing
black mustache, heavy cane. and thick
Southern drawl. managed the publicity work
for Woodrow Wilson,-in the preconvention
period, in the pOStCOnventlOn ttle,-and
now stands forth as the champion adviser of
how the new administration shall stick itself
into the public eye, charm the people fancy,
and hypnotic the populations soul.
If MIR. Wilson, emerging from his at
mosphere of modesty, wants his photograph
printed in colors on the thinnest edge of the
lOveliest cloud in the evening sky, he will
ask Tom to turn the trick. If the new Cab
met desires the people of Helgoland or Pud
ukOta to adopt all its views on the tariff as
evidence that the views are just, proper,
and righteous, Tom will invade those dis
tant districts with typewriter, carbon paper,
and vocabulary. have the thing put through,
and cable the news back to Washington.
Moreover, he has done other publicity
stunts. Sometime ago man interested in
the project to have the world melt all its
cannon into teaspoons and grind all its bay
onets into carpet tacks went to Washington,
looked the field over, took one good slant
at Pence, and. right off the bat. remarked:
"Tom for the trif1ing salary of coolies of
dollars week, not to mention all your ex
penses, we want you to scurry up and down
the South, not missing town, not overlook
ing a hamlet, and convince every newspaper
editor that he should write thrilling editori
ais on behalf of the dove of peace, the Cessa-
of Z no ctr IF 6p
He did it so we'll that all the sewing circles
south of Mason and Dixon's line abolished
quarreling as part of their daily routine,
and there has since been no lynchlng bee of
any importance anywhere in the world ex-
cept Europe. Then came the time when
Wilson's friends put him up to run for the
presidential nomination. They didn't have
much money; but they gave most of it to
Pence and told him to create public SEN
timent" for Wilson, the teacher in politics,
the professor in reform, the writer on pOliti
cal questions of every sort.
"Ha!' said the new publicity manager.
Il have it. The thing to do is to make the
public remember about Wilson what it
agrees with, and to forget those parts of his
books which it dislikes.'
He carried out this policy in all the pa
pers and magazines from Seattle to st.
Augustine, from Baton Rouge to Boston, not
forgetting such centers of trade as Chicago,
New York, and Cincinnati. He knew all
the journalists in Washington, where he had
his headquarters at first, and he met all who
were in New York, where he was located
later His methods were simple but cinch
like. Five minutes after meeting you, if
you happened to be newspaper man, he
wa plagiarizing Shakespeare and calling
you "coz." Three minutes later he was tell
ing you in long, drawing, and oratorical
outbursts, flights, and perorations exactly
what was what in politics and the walking
stick fashions. Two minutes after that you
were in telegraph Office, laundering at an
operator that, if Toms carbon copy of
something or-other wasn't sent into your
office thousand miles away within the
next seven minutes and six seconds the
ole universe would tremble, gyrate
madlv, crumble up. and tumble down with
a roar that would make the falling of the
walls of Jericho sound like the last, asth-
matte gasp of a paralyzed gnat.
Because Of these things and his sweet,
pink-faced smile, the members of the newly
elected governing machine listen to him in
4 way that convinces you he must be as
wise as Solomon and have shade the bet
ter Of Diogenes, Plato, and Rhadamanthus.