davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington herald., 1913-11-30

waters on hooks made in Germany.
The situation becomes acute. Okla
homa and Kansas clarnor for war
New York and New Jersey advocate
a peaceful settlement. The Admins
tratioR, however, meets reprisal with
rereprisal, and Mr.. Bryan refuses to
receive the British Ambassador unless
the latter comes before him in blue
jeans overhaulS, and wearing an Amer
ican built Stetson with a shamrock in
the band Thereupon Queen Mary
crosses the names of all -Bostonisns,
New Workers, and Shreveporters, off
her visiting list. President Wilson or
ders the American Ambassador to
move over to Tipperary. King George
issues a Ro~ai Decree ordering all
American visitors to the Tower of
London to be mugged. Mr.. McAdoo
sends a gold brick to Mrs. Pankhurst
inscribed, co TO IT: And so on,
All sorts of reprisals, petty and other
wise, are INDUCED in until human na-
ture rebels, and the last resort must
be resorted to.
Hitherto that has been war, but
now, under our new plan, how glori-
Gus it would be to settle the whole
fracas not with bloodshed, but with an
The Washington herald., 1913-11-30
GONE FISHING.
BACK WHEN THIS CRUEL WAR
IS OVER!

at would be the biggest joke ever
perpetrated on Uncle Sam since Spain
accepted 100000 for the Philip
pines, and that is why I am glad the
dread possibility is forever removed
from the list of gaunt specters that so
grimly haunt our national pillow"
well, your cackle is about as inter-
esting as usual" said the Doctor, but
my rejoicing is not over our escape
from such foolish terrors as you de-
pict, but because it is the first step
toward the ultimate abolition of war
itself. War is wicked, wasteful, wan
ton, and superAuous. We kill enough
people every day without going at the
business wholesale"
That's some admission for a doc
tor, and speaking for myself, l think
you do said the Idiot, "and Pm
willing to leave it that way. But just
the same before war can really be
abolished we must all get together and
agree upon some substitute for the set
Element of international differences.
The best of treaties, like the best of
financiers, sometimes go broke. Treat
les are like Athletic Records. Today
they thrill, tomorrow they bust, and
1 don't see why people who really
think, like the President, and Gift Pin
chot, and myself, can't get together
and suggest a few agreeable ways of
settling such cases bellorum, if / may
drop lightly into the language of the
Bulgarians, as may arise between our
selves and other contentious peoples.
Take England, for instance-who,
after all, is a sort of Mother-in-Law
to the United States, and therefore
liable to be touchy about the things we
do and say. England is still the lead
ing sporting nation of the world, as
she proves by clinging to sport long
after her athletes and other sporting
persons have ceased to win cups. She
comes in second more times than any
body else, which leaves her with about
the highest average in sight. Now
suppose England were to impose a
poll-tax of ten dollars a head on
every American found in London, Liv-
erpool, and Stratford-on-Avon, be-
tween May first and August twelfth
every year, as a sort of reprisal for
our law forbidding Canadian Fisher
men from catching crabs in American
The Washington herald., 1913-11-30
Copyright, 1918.

Salvador-what do you suppose would
happen? Why the best gunners we
have couldn't hit a bull's-eye of that
size without landing a few practice
shots beforehand in Nicaragua, or
Guatemala And even when they got
The range so they could hit It with
out nipping off corner of Honduras,
do you for one moment believe they d
find anything there worth hitting? Not
on your life. They'd find that the Sal
vadoreans had packed up their little
Republic in a steamer trunk, or a
thermos bottle, and moved away, leav-
ing a big sign behind them confront
ing the feet saying:
The Washington herald., 1913-11-30
6he GENIAL IDIOT e JOIN Kzz6Ela BANGS

how. But If it were settled BY peace,
full contest along sporting lines, how
stimulating it would all be, and how
Japan would trembleP
Il fancy the difficulty in that partic-
ular case would be to find any sport
in which we Americans and the Rus
slams would be mutually interested
suggested the Doctor.
Not bit of it," said the Idiot. I'VE
could have contest involving the COM
parative popularity of Russian Caviare
and American Shad-Roe. We could
agree upon some neutral territory like
Buenos Ayres, Monte Carlo, or The
Hague, and after selecting some good
restaurant there, put Russian Caviare
and American Shad-Roe on the bill
of fare, and leave the issue on the
chance of popular appetite. I think
with shad-roe at Is cents a portion,
and caviare at s. a, look, we'd wallop
the life out of 'em. Fact is on sporting
proposition of any kind I'd bet we'd
win every campaign we went into. I'll
back an American to eat more maca-
roni in week than a professional
macaroni eater from the Eternal City
can unravel IN a month. I'll pit a
Yankee against Frenchman in an in
terrational pie contest any day of the
week, and If it ever came to a row
with the Bulgarians, and We decided
to leave the issue to the question as to
which could do the most material dam.
age in a peaceful community, a Bull
garian regiment, or a similar numbe-
of American chaufeurs, I'd put up al
the doughnuts / could raise agains;
any mans dollars that we'd win the
decision. Why, gentlemen, I'd even
bet on our side in dispute with China
left to the Arbitrament of the Tub. II
We ever had a real difference with the
Chinese, and decided to settle It by
contest to see which could ruin the
most shirts in a week, Chinese Laun-
dryman, or an American Steam Laun-
dry, I'd bet on the Yankee every time
Seems to me that what you're
after" said the Doctor, ''is the sure
thing
NO." said the Idiot. IF I was after
the sure thing I'd favor war. War is
the surest thing / know. Whether you
win or lose you're licked, but in sport
there's always a fighting chance for
the winner"
"I wonder" said the Bibliomaniac,
with a curling lip. 'just how brave you
really are, Mr.. idiot Suppose We had
war with Canada or Mexico, would
you go?'
You bet I would" said the Idiot,
with fervcr. "If we had war with Can
ada I'd hike it for Mexico as fast as
my legs would carry me"
"And if the war was with Mexico?'
laughed the Doctor.
"Pd take the first train for Mon
treal,' said the Idiot "My courage,
sir, is the courage of conviction, and
despise war so thoroughly that I shall
decline to support it in any way, shape,
or manner, by thought, word, or deed.
Give me peasillanimous puce every
time. as an excited orator once re-
marked"
"Peasillanimous pucc% echoed the
Bibliomaniac
Meaning pusillanimous peace" said
the Idiot. THE man was nervous"
The Washington herald., 1913-11-30
GTATELL, that's a relief" said
w the idiot, with beaming

!" the ldiot with a oeaming
smile, as he put down q
magazine article telling all about the
Arbitration Treaty arranged between
the United States of America and the
Republic of Salvador. I've been
afraid of that little cuss of a Republic
all along. Of course Salvador isn't
very big-last time looked it up in
the encyclopaedia it was about as big
as Schoharie County, and as populous
as Jersey City, but you never can tell
It's the little things that count. some
times. Those Salvadorians are an in
sidious lot-nlind you, l don't say in
vidious-I say insidious, and l mean
1t; and my experience in life has
taught me that its the little devils and
not the big ones that make the most
trouble. For instance, if Russia were
to declare war upon us for some rea-
son or other, say because we excluded
CosSacks from the open privileges of
our police force, we'd know all about
it the minute she started in on the job.
In the first place there'd be big, i'm
posing feet sent over here to shoot the
stufflng out of all the summer hotels
on the Atlantic Coast from Maine to
Miami. Revere Beach, Palm Beach,
Newport, Coney Island, and all the
other homes of select society would
go down with a crash that anybody
whose hearing was half as good as it
ought to be would be able to hear as
far west as Emporia, Kansas. On top
OF that legions of Cossacks, with flags
flying, trumpets blowing, and drums
beating, would land at all our ports,
and the din of the whole business
would be so deafering that no real lover
of peace would have any excuse for
not getting away in time to avoid per-
sonal contact with grim war.
1T would be conducted on magni-
fcent scale As the circus posters
would put it, it would be Big, Bolster
GUS. and Blatant. No subtleties about
it at all, but just a plain raucous rue
ton, as Immediately perceptible to the
organs of sense as any other first
class nuisance maintained on the prem
ises.
But how different it would all be
if we got into trouble with dear little
Salvador, a cute little nation scarcely
large enough to be refused transmits
sion through the Parcel Post in case
anybody ever wanted to wrap it up
and send it anywhere. You could put
a fy-screen all around the United
States, from Canada to the Gulf, from
Sandy Hook to the Golden Gate, but
YOU couldn't keep Salvador out once
she had made up her mind she wanted
to get in. Her attack would be of the
most microscopically insidious kind.
Instead of coming along on the open
seas with feet of hand-me-down
Dreadnoughts to knock the Jersey
coast off the map, and hold the in
terror as far west as Camden in sub
lection, as Germany, or Russia, or
Japan might do, she would insinuate
her forces into our midst before We
knew she'd even started. Then, some
pleasant Sunday morning when we
were wondering whether to go to-
Church or play Golf, we'd learn sud
denly to our CONSERVATION that while
we were looking for her attack on
some vulnerable point like Brunswick.
Georgia, or Manchester-by-the-Sea
Memphis had fallen into the hands of
The Washington herald., 1913-11-30
ON PEACE ANDWAR
AND SALVADOR

He Engens the Doctor and the Bbomaniac As the Possb
Carnage Should the United States Ever Come Blows With
the Small South American Country; Pointing Out the Ind
Manner Of Attack the Salvadorians Might Employ
and the Inability Of American Army and Navy to
Meet This Form Of Aggression Some Defen-
sve Steps Are Recommended, but the Physi
clan and Lover Of Books Do not Find
Them Favorable and the Idiot De-
cides the Stadium Must Replace
the Battlefield
Atlanta Georgian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1912-1939, 1913-09-28

According to the New York Tri-
bune six diplomats, including the
Japanese Ambassador, were wait
ing to see Mr.. Bryan on his regu-
lar reception day, when he sud
denly discovered it was his train
time. He thereupon hurried to
catch the train for Leesburg, Va,
and the waiting six Ambassadors
were told to come again.
Viscount Chinda called again on
the following day, but Mr.. Bryan
then tried to catch another train
and could not see him.
The Tribune relates that some
time ago. when the French Am
bassador called by appointment on
Mr.. Bryan, the Ambassador was
tucked away in the diplomatic re-
ception room and completely for
gotten.
The Ambassador waited one hour
and half and then found that the
Secretary of State had gone to
luncheon.
These incidents are much dis
cussed in diplomatic circles. Mr..
Bryan's reply to his critics takes
the form of a reminder that his
Lectures are of an entirely educa-
tional character.
Atlanta Georgian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1912-1939, 1913-09-28
(From lie Temps of Paris.)

Mr. Bryan Secretary of State for the United States says
every knows that his salary Secretary suf
GENTLY large the requirements Of his position And
he has reverted his old occupation lecturer
but lecture for pay.
But lecture in the United States here consists
of only attraction but coupled with others.
So Mr.. Bryan has made contract with manager who
sss sandwhed in acrobats yodler and egh of per-
formers to set off the Secretary Of States talk.
Talleyrand, Metternich and Gortschakof would have
looked aance Bryans initiative In skepca times
when diplomats longer taken seriously venture is
still dangerous.
Bryans is another proof Of the small consideration
attached to political the Atlantic In the
United States this the occupation man takes up
1t the last century which offers many opportunities
to intelligent
Men of affairs understand that they may have need of
public but instead of serving the State themselves
Shey prefer pay others Thus born nourished
organizations such Tammany Hall which blot on the
Union.
Europe however, does not properly understand that
America being transformed rapidly than any other
country The immigration has swamped the old
time American ideals which found only towns like
Boston.
One can imagine what an American of the old race of
Henry Cabot Lodge Oney would have felt about Byans
circus spectacle but there is abyss between the odas
Toned Americans and the popular masses.
The American in the takes a matter of
what shocks That why the American Government
often appears to monsrous paradox.
When followed the tenor of Bryan political ca
is less surprised to him circus than minis
try The only thing could conceive of why this
voiced called direct the Unions diplomacy
The United States like Russia an accumulation
of human forces that is able afford an ex-
pertinent this
Washington has on banda serious conflict with
Mexico difficulties with Japan that full of pitfalls and
delicate negotiations with Latin America.
At such time the Secretary of State goes figure
music hall between acrobat ugger pockets half
the takings
Old Europe, which has much, expected such
turn.
Atlanta Georgian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1912-1939, 1913-09-28
How Bryan's Tour
Strikes Britain

(FrOpI the London Daily MdH.)
The spectacle of Mr.. w. j.
Bryan. the Secretary Of State. TAX
ing turns before audiences with a
troupe Of Tyrolean yodlers; jug
glers and ballet dancers is occa-
'sioning much pain to his critics,
who accuse him of compromising
hopelessly the national dignity. Mr..
Bryan himself perceiyes nothing
objectionable In the enterprise of
his managers, who for the tour he
Is now making, have engaged
other talent" with which to
amuSe the audiences OF the Sec
rotary of State.
When Mr.. Bryan arrived an hour
late on his lecture platform at
Salisbury, Md, the seven brightly
dressed Tyrolean girl yodlers in
stantly retired. The audience rep
resented receipts to the amount of
$500, of which Bryan takes half.
The lecturing of the Secretary
OF State appears to have added
considerably to the difficulty which
Ambassadors experience in gain.
ing admission to his presence for
the discussion of international af-
fairs
Atlanta Georgian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1912-1939, 1913-09-28

(From the COrrtere della Serd, Mtldr.)
We shall never fully realize the
great difference betewen American
civilization, ever progressing be-
tween two immense oceans, and
European civilization with It's mar
row views and prejudices. We
are the slaves of tradition.
In Europe a minister Of foreign
affairs, when he is not occupied
with some difficult international
political affair, is only too glad to
90 to his Summer residence and
study history or geography, two
studies much neglected In our uni
versities, while in America a Sec
rotary of State, finding a few
leisure moments, is willing to be-
come an attraction in a strOlling
vaudeville show.
In fact, Mr.. Bryan, Secretary Of
Foreign Affairs in the United States,
as soon as the japanese and Next
can questions were only temper
arily disposed of. allied himself
with an acrobat and a sleight Of
hand man, some yodlers and clowns,
to make a tour and give lectures,
for which he is handsomely paid.
Bryan is an old-time Democrat,
and when one is once a Demo
crat he will always be one and
make profit by it. AS Secretary
of State he has only $4,000 sal
Atlanta Georgian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1912-1939, 1913-09-28
Much MirtH in Berlin
Over Bryan S Tactics

Berlin. Sept. 21.-What are
called Secretary Bryan's "Chau-
tauqua circus antics" are the sub
ject of much mirth here. He is
described by serious newspapers as
variety star" and Clown" and is
the butt of ridicule on all sides.
All sorts of stories are finding
their way into print in Germany
regarding Bryan's alleged unfit
ness to hold a position similar to
those with which European states
men identify the names Of Grey,
Delcasse, Lansdowne, Cambon,
Aehrenthal, Kiderlen-Wachter, and
John Hay.
One newspaper asserts that it
has authority for the Statement
that up to a few years ago Bryan's
ignorance of foreign affairs extend
ed even TO a lack of elementary
knowledge of European geography.
He is said to have asked Am
Atlanta Georgian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1912-1939, 1913-09-28

bassador Charlemagne Tower once
in Berlin to explain to him the
difference between Prussia and
Germany. He seemed In some
doubt, so the story goes, as to
whether Prussia was in Germany
or Germany in Prussia.
While visiting Constantinople at
about the same time, Bryan is said
to have confused Bucharest with
Budapest and to have made in con-
sequence some bulls which plunged
the members of the Constantinople
diplomatic corps into paroxysms
of mirth.
The view held here is that if
President Wilson and the country
at large condone the course of the
most conspicuous member of the
Cabinet, Americans generally can
not expect to have their nation
hold the respect that is its due
as factor in diplomacy.
Atlanta Georgian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1912-1939, 1913-09-28

airy, a very little sum to live On,
but It is also true that he Is an
anti-alcohol man, and this saves
money OF wines especially when he
has a few Ambassadors as guests.
At the present he is giving lee
lures % the accompaniment Of merry
widow waltzes and q few card
tricks, but after q while the pub.
lie will get tired OF hearing a lot
Of meaningless words and his
shows will not be 80 well attended.
AS resouroefuI man Mr.. Bryan
might try hls LUCK as q peddIer.
Why could he not Try to sell $4,000
safety razors to Japan at a 7 per
cent discount for cash, or to arbl-
trate the fate Of aIot of second
hand clothes between Portugal and
the United states2
Every one must live. And II Is
absurd to ask that In America, a
Democratic Secretary Of State, live
on such a small salary as $4,000
a year. Unless Congress votes
him a large increase 1t forces
Bryan to the alternative of looking
for another position, or the pros.
pect of dying OF hunger.
AS increasing a salary Is I'M
American, Mr.. Bryan must needs
find other ways to supplement his
income.
Atlanta Georgian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1912-1939, 1913-09-28
A Bizarre Combination.
Says Pail Mall Gazette

From the Pail MAI Gazette, London
1t is singular paradox in
country where there is SO much
money in politics as in the United
States, that the chief member of
the Presidents Cabinet should find
his official salary inadequate to
support his existence.
We can quite understand why
$4,000 a year is not enough for
the Secretary of State, considering
the American scale of life, but one
would have expected a man of
Atlanta Georgian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1912-1939, 1913-09-28

leaving office poorer than when he
entered it. One would sup
pose that public business cannot
be efficiently transacted by persons
whose energies are so largely d.
verified to the task of making
money.
Twelve thousand dollars a year
does not seem to be a wholly in
adequate allowance for a gentle
man who a few yearS ago was re-
porter on a provincial newspaper.
Politics in point of fact is a
very fair profession in most coun-
tries, but it is not and ought not
to be short road to affluence.
1t is very deplorable that Amer
lean diplomacy is left to a group
Atlanta Georgian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1912-1939, 1913-09-28
Calls His Performances
Comical and Singular

Theodore Wolfer, the brilliant
editor of the Berliner Tageblatt
said:
I'VE consider represent ative
America too great a country to be
seriously injured by the perform
ances of any individual, however
singular or comical they may be-"
Atlanta Georgian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1912-1939, 1913-09-28
A Story That Sounds
Almost Unbelievable.

(FrOm the WieSbGden Zeituno.)
The American papers tell, at
present, a story which sounds so
unbelievable that one might SUD-
pose the whole country of Uncle
Sam has yet to suffer under the
great heat of this Summer. From
New York comes a report: There
is much excitement at present in
the United States, since the Sec
rotary Of State, Mr.. Bryan, has
been travelling around the coun-
try speaking in travelling circus
In which acrobats and other art
Atlanta Georgian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1912-1939, 1913-09-28
Another Paris Paper
INDUCES in Banter
(From the Intransioeant.J

(Fron the IntrdnSigednt.)
Mr. Bryan is a sincere disciple Of
TOlstoy. His dearest dream is OF
universal disarmament He has
devoted a large part of his life and
Of his great intellect to the elabora-
ton of arbitration treaties that all
Europe has not yet adopted. If he
had his way all the faithful follow
ers Of Tolstoy would refuse to I'M
dertake military service as con
trary to the law OF Christ
Mr.. Bryan is simply following
the lead Of his chief. the pacifist
President of the United States, and
yet see how these peace loving
Democrats are already threatening
Mexico with war! They also send
Atlanta Georgian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1912-1939, 1913-09-28

of politicians who in foreign af-
fairs are the most amateurish of
amateurs, with a Secretary Of
State at the head of them who is
too much occupied in delivering
popular lectures to devote all his
time to his official duties.
The United States, as we have all
learned lately, distrusts amateur
ishness in sports. 1t knows that If
you want to win in any contest you
must rely on the expert and take
care that this expert knows all
the details Of his business. 1t is
therefore rather surprising that
the United States does not apply
the same admirable principle to
the conduct Of it's public affairs.
Atlanta Georgian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1912-1939, 1913-09-28

ing lectures for pay on the Chau-
tauqua circuit
His plea that his salary as Sec
rotary of State is insufficient for
him to live on will not command
serious consideration. He accepted
the portfolio knowing what his sal
airy was, and he should either de-
vote himself exclusively to the du-
ties Of his office or resign. His
friends will hope that Mr.. Bryan
will take the sensible course of
cutting out the lectures. Public
service means personal sacrifice.
Atlanta Georgian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1912-1939, 1913-09-28

Bryan's moral courage to call upon
his country for a living wage, TO
which he is entitled. rather than
to propose going on the stump as
a lecturer. in the roles of a min
lister and a professional enter
tainer.
They make a most bizarre com
bination to all British ways of
thinking. and we shall be sur
prised if even American opinion
reconciles itself to their incon-
gruity.
Atlanta Georgian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1912-1939, 1913-09-28
Germany Amazed,
Say Berlin Editors

Berlin, Sept. 21.-Hugo Won
Kupffer, chief editor LokalAnzei-
ger, in commenting on the i'm
preston created in Germany by
Bryan's appearances, said: at
can only be defined as one Of
amazement. If the same thing
had happened twenty years ago,
when the Germans generally had
been taught to believe all sorts of
wild and extravagant things about
America, it would not have been
so sad.
ITO the more intelligent opinion
of to-day it comes as a shock. We
Atlanta Georgian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1912-1939, 1913-09-28

a ship of war into Venezuelan
waters, and in accordance with a
new project of Mr.. Bryan protec-
torate over Nicaragua is to be i'm
posed under threats of invasion.
as well as over the other little
states of Central America.
What dreadful fellows these
pacifiStS arei
But we must not laugh This
good example teaches us that to
read TolStoy is one thing and to
conduct the affairs OF a great ma
ton is another. When a maR rises
to power, he finds himself face to
face with realities which were but
vaguely perceived when they We're
theorized about in his hours of
leisure.
Atlanta Georgian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1912-1939, 1913-09-28
Making the Most of
His Opportunities Now

Macmillan Harden, the celebrat-
ed editor of Berlin Zukunft, said
las Bryan is wholly unfamiliar
with international history and Gus
toms, and cannot remain long in
office, he is merely making the
most of his opportunities"