Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-01-06
AT the End Of The Rainbow.
HOUSE OF TEARS.
BY Walt Mason.

This is the season. began the gen.
tleman with the valise. when people get
their deaths of cold every time they push
| themselves out of their domiciles. This
| Is the season when people have bronchitis
and chilblains and rheumatism. This vari-
able climate. madam, sends legions to
untimely graves. A man never knows
what's going to happen in the weather
department ten minutes ahead. II he goes
forth in a linen buster he's likely to run
overcoat he's pretty sure to be up against
hot winds. This climate"
you can't tell me anything about this
climate. mister" interrupted Mrs. Curfew
I've mingled with this particular climate
for forty years. and know 1t from hoofs
to horns, and it's pretty late In the day
for a man of your disreputable appear
ance to come to my door, just when I'm
slicing up cabbage for sauerkraut, telling
me what this climate is like. I've seen
this climate twist itself into funnel
shaped cloud and gather up a whole vii
lage and carry 1t into the next county.
and the only thing ! have against SAID
climate Is that 1t doesn't do as much for
the agents who go up and down the eartn
seeking whom they may devour. and pes
terfng busy women who need every min
ute Of their time.
You don't need to begin opening your
valise, for~1 don't want to buy any heal
ing herbs or patent duplex hatracks to-
of liniment to rub on the climate when
it gets too rambunctious, but l wouldn't
take a bottle even II you left it on the
doorstep with corkscrew to open It; for
bottles. of liniment. compounded by gov
eminent chemists and Endorsed by emf
nent prelates. have been the undoing of
this once happy family.
IF you could see my husband at this
writing You would cover yourself with
Sackcloth and ashes and try to repent of
with liniment he was man any wife
might be proud of. having commanding
presence and beautiful white whiskers.
and always wearing silk hat. whereas
his head is now wrapped up in a shawl
and his elegant whiskers have been
charred to a crisp.
Last week Mr.. Curfew traded horses
with some diSSolute stranger. and when
he got his horse home he found that the
animal had SPAWN on its off hind leg.
He said it was the crime of the century
to work off such horse en- a man of
his years. and he was just going to call
up the sheriff and see If there is any
justice in this country when an agent
came to the door selling lininlent that
would remove a SPAWN in two days, said
agent being the very counterpart of your
self, having receding brow and no chin
to speak Of. and teeth which looked as
walnut rail. How that agent knew that
there was a spawned horse on the place
is something beyond my comprehension,
but that's always the way with agents.
No sooner does q man die than an agent
comes to the door offering to sell the
widow embalming fluid at hre-sale prices.
my husband was an easy victim. be-
ing greatly exercised at the time, and he
bought a bottle of the liniment, which
the label said was made of barks and
buds, and began rubbing it on the SPAWN.
The label also said that the mixture was
soothing and allayed all pain, but that
hauled off and gave my husband a left
hook in the stomach. and it stands to rea-
son that no horse would act that way if
the liniment was soothing.
Il had to summon. the neighbors to
carry Mr.. Curfew to the house, and
never saw a man in such misery. 1t was
an hour before he could draw a full
breath, and when he was a little easier he
asked for his pipe and tobacco, which
gave to him. He filled the pipe and then
struck a match on his trousers, and the
next moment he was a pillar of flame
and he would have been reduced to ashes
and rolled in ii. When the horse kicked
him that iniment spilled all over his
clothes. and, instead of being made of
barks and buds. it must have been made
of gasoline and gunpowder.
My husband Is now covered with poul-
tees, and his sufferings battle description,
and he has but one ambition, which is to
shoot an agent before he dies. So the
best thing you can do Is to put several
miles Of landscape between this house of
tears and YOU"