davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Pensacola journal. (Pensacola, Fla.) 1898-1985, 1913-03-02
COTTONDALE.

Cottondale. March Our popular
mayor, Mr.. j. l. Baxter. has esigned
and win leave IN a few days for
Kynesville. Since his residence here
bis friends have shown their apprecia-
ton Of his worth by electing him
mayor at the age OF twenty-one.
Messrs. ]. E. Wall and Jack Cobb
or the Cottondale State bank, cele-
brated washington's birthday by a
trip to Crestview, visiting FTorala and
other points Sunday.
Monday evening quite a number OF
the younger set, c1aperoned by Mrs.
ASSaA. Cawthon. spent several hours
eareing at the hotel, greatly enjoying
the excellent music furnished by
Elzors' band.
Mr.. Whit Wells was here Monday
Mr.. and Mrs. w. L. Creel spent Sun
day in Youngstown. the guest OF their
brother. Mr.. G. Creel.
Mr.. James Barrow went to Aycock
Sunday.
Mr.. R. A. Lamb. of Holt was here
this week.
The Knights of Pythias held an in
teresting meeting Tuesday evening.
DR.. and Mrs. G. A. Fellows enter
tR.aed Tuasdav avanin9 Thu sAllou-
The Pensacola journal. (Pensacola, Fla.) 1898-1985, 1913-03-02
SAGE LEAVES.

Signal. O., Feb. 24-We are having
a very peculiar winter. Up to Wash
ington's birthday we have had no
snow sufficient for sleighing: but it
was cold enough to make fairly good
ice during the fore part Of February
The roads are fearfully muddy now,
the frost being nearly all out of the
ground. The ground is bare, and the
farmers are talking about blowing as
soon as the ground dries off suffi-
GENTLY.
But we may wisely anticipate a
bowling blast of winter. instead Of
smiling spring. when March comes.
rushing in We have a government
The Pensacola journal. (Pensacola, Fla.) 1898-1985, 1913-03-02

Mr.. N. Mcclure was on our streets
last Tuesday.
few days illness.
Miss Evie Wesley 8 assisting Pro-
fessor EdenfeId during Miss Edwards
absence.
Mr.. r. E. L. McCaskiII, of DeFuniak,
was on our streets a few days ago.
DIR. Raborn, of Freeport, was over
last Sunday.
Mr. and Mrs. W. H. Wesley ATTENDED
The Pensacola journal. (Pensacola, Fla.) 1898-1985, 1913-03-02
POINT WASHINGTON

Point Washington, March Mr.. L.
Crawford went to Freeport Thursday
on business.
A delightful entertainment was
given last Saturday night, at Mrs.
Strickland's, and quite number of
young people attended.
The Pensacola journal. (Pensacola, Fla.) 1898-1985, 1913-03-02

Apply a cotton cloth wet with BAL
LARDS SNOW IMMINENT to all
wounds, cuts, burns, sores or blisters,
and note its wonderful healing power
II Is prompt and very effective Price
csc, soc and $1.o0 per bottle. Sold by
all druggists. (Adv)
The Pensacola journal. (Pensacola, Fla.) 1898-1985, 1913-03-02
| West Florida Social News Items 20 O.
1-- Special Corespo = i'

his father-in-law, Rev. w. D. Owens,
at So1om, for the benefit of his health,
was in town Saturday, and while his
health is not improving as fast as de-
sired, he is holding his own.
The Pensacola journal. (Pensacola, Fla.) 1898-1985, 1913-03-02

Continued on Page Thlrteen.)
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1913-01-11

from the Office had a poor dinner for
him, and 1 also informed him that the
coal was out and a water pipe leaking,
but the soft, sweet smile never left
his face. During the evening he said
that he had made a fool of himself
a hundred times ever since our mar
riage. but that he had solemnly de-
termlned to keep clear of all fads In
the future. The cook called me down.
stairs and wanted to know if Mr.. Bow
ser wasn't going to carry on any more,
and when said it was doubtful she
gave me a weeks notice. Things had
become too lonesome for her.
F'riday-Same peaceful getting out OF
bed and eating breakfast. insisted
that he couldn't be well, but he re-
ter. He had hardly left the house be-
fore I telephoned his symptoms to
mother and asked her opinion. She
replied that he would probably try
suicide within a week, and that had
better lock up all the poison in the
house. When he came home at night
1 was lying on the lounge and pretend
ing to have a terrible headache. In
stead of saying that it served me
right for overeating or going around
barefoot, and then whistling and
stamping around to add to my suffer-
ing, he sat down and told me how
sorry he was and did all he could to
LIZ pam Aidu " get UP
and eat dinner with him, and pretend
ed to be cured. We had a little SPELL
ing school during the evening, and,
though I spelled him down a dozen
times, he only smiled over 1T. L told
him the cook had broken two plates
that day, but he replied that all crock
cry was made TO be broken. I asked
for a new hat, and he gave me the
money without a word about the poor
house. 1 tried to get him to go to
the club, but he said he preferred his
own home. The cook went upstairs
very much afraid, and I went to bed
to dream of tragedies.
Saturday-Still no more morning
kicls-no breakfast kicks. Mr. Bow
ser had only left the house when the
cook packed. up and followed. She
said there were ghosts about. 1 tele-
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1913-01-11
Leaning Against the Mahogany.

Gee, felIers, L got to pull off a
| great stunt when 1 go home. Every
night my wife makes me say: She sells
sea Shells before she will let me in the
house"
That's nothing at all, Jones, that's
a cinch. My wife makes me say the
following: The seas ceaseth and it
su1ficeth us -
What does that mean?" asked a
third.
1T doesn't mean a thing, but it is
some hard to say, believe me, along
| about 1 d. m. in the morning.
You guys make me sick,'' said the
fourth man. IF you had to get off
the lingo that I have to you would
have some holler comm. My wife
makes me say Smiths spirit flask
split Phillips sixth sisters squirrels
skull Ii / spiel it off right 1 get in
and if 1 don't-we1l, I had to sleep in
the hammock on the front porch three
nights last week. 1 made the grade
the other three nights, but it was a
secondary speed, believe me, and I
had to get home early to do it,
A little man who didn't belong to
the party and who stood down by the
cigar lighter and Glove dish, stroked
his side whisl1ers meditatively and
said: Il wish you gentlemen had to go
through what L have to every time I
get home after 8 o'clock, you wouldn't
waste SO much sympathy on your
selves. My wife makes me say: Ger
aldine, give Grimes Jim's gilt gig whip
and goggles. He's going joy riding in
the jinrickisha after ginseng I new
er get beyond 'jinrickisha' and have
MT slept at home in three months"
m sorry for. you men, said the
barkeep, as he proceeded to decorate
the mahogany with a long line of va
rious essences of hilarity, not forget
ting an old-fashioned cocktail for the
little man with side whiskers who
stood down by the Glove dish. MY wife
ic. fnf. l1y- n u
say word
Lucky Jim yelled the five Gus
toners in chorus.
mo, she doesn't make me say
word" continued the bartender, ''but
III tell you what she does do She sets
a dishpan full of uncooked beans out
on the front porch and I have to
count EN- and count 'em right before I
get into the house. Did you ever
count a dish full of beans. No? Well
you have got something coming.
got through counting at half past five
this morning and the milkman was
coming up the walk. I never thought
there were that many beans in the
world and evidently there were not,
because my count was 147 to many
and L didn't get in at all. What's your
pleasure, gents?'
Nothing at ALL" said the first man.
Pm going to start home now and
he started for the door rehearsing
She sells sea Shells
The second man followed quickly,
muttering: The sea ceaseth and it
sufficeth U.S.
The man with the spiel about
Smiths spirit flask and the sixth sis
ter's squirrels Skulls went next and
forgot to say goodnight.
II amt goin' home at ALL" cheer
fully remarked the little man with
side whiskers who stood down by the
Glove dish. In five minutes 7 won't
be able to say ginseng and I can't
say 'jinriclsha' now with any degree
of sAccess.'
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1913-01-11

graphed for mother to come, but she
answered that it was impossible
called on the doctor again, but he said
we could do nothing. 1 never put in a
worse day in my whole life, and 1 was
really i'll when Mr.. Bowser's step was
heard at last. My heart bounded as
heard him dragging his feet I
thrilled as he banged the door open. I
Jumped up with a laugh as he flung
down his hat in the hall. 1 realized
that he was Br. Bowser again. He
stood there in the hall glaring around,
ana .i1 as l stepped into view he began:
70 know whether this Is a poorhouse
or cooper shopi"
Then 1 fell upon his shoulder ana
wept. He had returned to himself He
real, genuine Bowser. and / sang a
tinued:
You have driven me to the dead
my lawyer see your lawyer and have
a divorce arranged for us as quietly
as possible!"
"Ohl I'm so glad to hear you saw
tighter.
You are. are you? Then you are
ready for a divroce?"
"Then-then it's like old times to
hear you bluffingi'
rBluffing. I'll show you'll"
cook"
Hang her!"
"And the coal"
You waste it to spite met"
And the gas BILL
"You-you burn it all day!'
And now call mother names"
"Durn her hidei"
And now-now-"
Look here, woman, what the devil
does this mean" he asked as he held
me off to get look at me-
"Why-why you have been so quiet
for week that I Observation-Disclosures
you would have to go to what they
call the bughouse!"
"Oh, Lord" he answered, and after
hearty laugh he kissed me right
before the cook and the cat am a
happy woman. Mr.. Bowser isis Mr..
Bowser again.-(Copyright, 1918, by
the Associated Literary Press.)
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1913-01-11

upon the president the dog appeared
before q jury consisting of six pro-
fessors and two students of Johns Hop
kins university, at Baltimore, and gave
a demonstration of just how Intelligent
he is. The jury was composed in part
of Professor John b. Watson, head of
the universities experimental psychol-
ogIcal department, one OF the best
known writer's on psychology: r. W.
Wood, professor of physics; Herbert
Spencer Jennings, professor of biology;
Prof. Knight Dunlap, professor of biol
ogy. and Doctors G. Bassett ard Leon
ard K Eirschberg.
Mr.. Taylor gave the dog his COM
mands. y few words from his master
and the dog, after mounting a table
to look out of the window. ran down the
hall, around the corner and closed the
door. Some OF the professors thought
perhaps IL was i1r. Taylor's movements
rather than his words that Influenced
the dog. After that Mr. Taylor gave
number of orders through a closed door
and they We're. all obeyed implicitly.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1913-01-11

worries me-when he isn't Mr.. Bow
ser at ALL. When he got up last Sum
day morning he didn't yawn and
stretch and grunt and growl. On the
contrary he was unusually silent, and
though his socks, collar, tie and col
lar buttons were scattered about the
room as usual, he recovered them
without once declaring that this was
the worst run house in America. He
usually growls about his Sunday
breakfast, but on this occasion he
hadn't a word of fault to find. I made
no suggestion about his accompanying
me to church and was utterly
amazed when he announced his inten-
ton. 1 looked for a row when he
came to dress, but there was none.
He seldom or never puts on a fresh
collar without blasting the laundry
mans eyes, but on this occasion he
even spoke of the work being nicely
done. He didn't find the church too
cold or too hot; the singing too loud
or too low; the sermon too short or
too long He seemed we'll pleased,
and he did not make one single kick
over the Sunday dinner. He read
aloud to me in the evening, and,
though I corrected his pronunciation
a few times, he did not lose his tenn
per am somewhat worried over the
change in him.
Monday-No kick as Mr.. Bowser
got up this morning. His collar but
ton had rolled under the bureau, and
he got down on his hands and knees
and hunted it up with a swear word;
found no fault with breakfast, al
though 1 thought the oatmeal was
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1913-01-11
From the HickeyviIle Clarion

Wide Awake Hose Company was called
out last Wednesday. Enos Hands celiu-
loiG collar had took fire while he was Sit
tins in the sun.
Elmer Jones went over to West Hickey
Vile Tuesday to see William Jennings
Bryan change cars. Hank Tumms has
bought a nickers worth of washers co
drop in the horseless piano at the Goloep
Nugget Buffet.
This is getting to be quite metropoIi
tan place. Enos Hand Tuesdayed at West
Hickeyville. Calling cards printed at the
Clarion office. Why is it a homely. gaIoor
with a face like a horse and buggy Il
ways marries the prettiest girl in DIR
town?
Uncle Ezra Har1ins who is the oldeAt
man in our midst at this writing has
bought a second hand bicycle and win
stump the country selling crayon per-
traits. 1t will be funny if he don't get
those lace curtains OF his wrapped UP
in the wheel and break his old fool neck.
Good second hand teeth with haireloth
finish and second hand whatnot for sale
at this office.
Hank Tumms says Old Man Purdy car
beat any man in this country playin'
seven-up. We won't name any names, but
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1913-01-11
The ROFe.
SUNDAY

He stands on one foot for q while.
Then stands upon the other
And StareS at you as though you were
Indeed, his long-lost brother.
A hint to him is naught but Greek,
He always fails to heed it,
And sticks around and takes you-
time
Just when you sorely need it.
He cuts in with a word or two
And never fails to blunder
Right in upon your train of thought
And knock it all to thunder.
When putting salt upon the tail
OF some feet inspiration,
You're interrupted by his harsh
UnwelcOme exclamation
About the weather we have had,
Or else about the pennant,
Until you feel as though you would
Become a bughoUse tenant.
He is concerned about your health,
And says you're looking sickly,
And if you are not sick at all
He makes you so right quickly.
He never has a thing to do
And not single worry,
And no one ever saw him yet
When he was in a hurry.
He has no business of his own =,
That needs attention badly
And so he just attends to yours
And does it very gladly.
There are but ten commandments now
But I would have eleven.
The last would be 1.-The chronic bore
Shall never go to heaven"
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1913-01-11

pIauded. He turned the pages of his
hymnal rapidly and, after the hand
clapplng had subsidized, announced
cheerfully: I'VE will sing that beau
tiful hymn: When the roll is called
up yonder I'll be there" To this day
he hasn't understood the roar Of
laughter that followed.
DR.. Cyrus L. Cutler, the well known
Springfield surgeon, is a member of
the Colonial club, an institution that
fines its members for talking shop
Dr. Cutler, getting out of his motor
car entered the Colonial club the 9TH
er day for luncheon, and advancing
into the restaurant, said to a lawyer,
as he took off his goggles: well, old
man, how are your" The lawyer got
DR.. Cutler fined then and there for
talking shop. The next day, when he
arrived at the club again for luncheon,
the surgeon, angered at what had hap
pened, cut the lawyer. The latter then
had him fined once more.
Reginald de Koven told at a musicale
IN Chicago a story in praise of modesty
"A group of tourists" he said, ''in Ronn
visited Beethovens house. One of the
tourists, girl of twenty or So sat down
at Beethoven's piano and played tire
Moonlight Sonata none too well. Beetiio-
ems own work. in his own room. on his
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1913-01-11

Washington, Jan. u.-President Taft
and the learned scientists of the Smith
sonian Institute are among those who
are deeply interested in a certain dog
named Jasper This dog, a cross be-
tween an English bull dog and an
Italian greyhound, is declared by his
owner, Dixie Taylor. to be the most
intelligent member of the canine world.
A few days ago Jasper called on the
president and about the only thing he
failed to do was to talk At his mas
ter's command Jasper gave Mr.. Taft
the mason's grip. and did many ether
strange things that deeply impressed
the president The performance was
also witnessed by Justice Day of the
supreme court and John Hays Ham,
mond. who both marveled much.
Since Jasper's visit at the .Fhite
House. scientists of the Smithsonian In
sutton have announced their deterEni--
nation to carefully investigate Jasper's
doings-
Jasper has puzzled many scientists Of
great learning. Shortly before his call
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1913-01-11

"Of course there is" was the an
swer.
We'll, then, mother wants to be
trusted for two pounds"
Jobson and his wife were enjoying
a stroll along the quiet country road.
The footpath was extremely narrow,
and Jobson, of course, was more off it
than on. Thus, when the motor car
rushed round the corner, poor. old
Jobson got it in the small of his. back.
The owner of the car jumped off to
render assistance, and the injured man
was hurried to the nearest doctors.
But the case was hopeless.
Forgive me, old man. said the
penitent motorist. Can 1 make any
reparation ?"
married."
"Engaged?"
well, as you will be responsible
for making my wife widow, will you
Certainly replied the motorist,
with a catch in his voice. And I
shall care for and protect her as long
as / live
content, and murmured to himself:
Revenge is SWEET
Bird S. Coler, who was Greater
New Yorks first controller. was nom
mated for Governor of New York by
the Democrats in 1902.
Mr.. Coler is deeply interested in re-
hgious work, and three days after his
nomination he was scheduled to adj
dress an afternoon meeting of the Y.
N. G. A. in Brooklyn. The other
speaker was Frank Harvey Field, an
ardent Republican.
1t was the practice of these meet
ings for each speaker to lead in the
singing of a hymn as a preface to his
remarks. When Mr.. Field got up he
announced: I'VE shall now sing hymn
number 316-'Throw out the lifeline;
some one is drifting away
The audience looked at Coler and
everybody grinned-that is every
body but Coler, who was entirely SER
ious. After Field had finished it was
Coler's turn. He advanced to the edge
of the platform and was loudly ap-
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1913-01-11
How to Get Rich Quick.

Own eight or ten moving picture
thea tiers.
Discover a gold mine that pans out
$40 900 to the ton.
Marry a beautiful heiress who cares
nothing for money.
Get up new religion and have all
of your followers make over their prop
erty to you
Write a successful drama and have
nine companies presenting it at the
Sc me time to crowded houses
Get a tip on Wall street from j. p
Morgan and borrow 81 900. 600 to play it,
Invent a nenpuncturable automobile
tire and put crimp in the rubber
trust.
Get a good job on the New York po-
lice force and save 100000 a year on
q $500 salary.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1913-01-11
MRS. BOWSER TELLS TT
A Week of Anxiety, but Relief at
Last.

Mr.. Bowser's way are not always
just as I could wish for, but 1 don't
want to lose him.
He has his oddities, but he means
well.
He talks about divorce just to scare
me-thats all.
He's got an idea that if he shouts
Woman at me and waves his arms
about, he'll make me cuddle down.
He comes home with this scheme
and that, and everything looks rosy
to him until I bring figures to bear,
but 1 am glad he is no pessimist.
1 can generally catch on to his
moods almost at once, but there are
times when he is unreliable and
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1913-01-11

own piano! When the girl had finished
she rose and said to the old csretaker:
i suppose lots of famous musicians have
been here and played on this Instrument
We'll, miss, the caretaker answered,
gravely, 'Paderewski was here last year
and his friends urged him to play. but he
shook his head and said: no. 1 am not
worthy"
After the capture of Richmond in
the ''late unpleasantness," a party of
English tourists was in that. city chap
eroned by an old darby.
What is that building?" said one
of the gentlemen to him, pointing in
a certain direction.
Oats a 'bacco warehouse" said the
old man.
'.And what is that one2' pointing to
another.
Oats a 'bacco warehouse, too"
And then looking in the direction
of a high hill. Church hill, as it is
called in Richmond, the touring par
ty spied a church at the top.
"And what is that building? Is that
a tobacco warehouse also %
"Oh, no, sir. OATS de church Whar
Patrick Henry made de speech, Give
me liberty or give me death and for
Gawd, dey done give him both
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1913-01-11

bile in the world, but he is willing to sell
it at a sacrifice, as he wants to get Il
better one.
You can't always judge the neighbor by
the clothes that hang out on the line.
no Teller kin be classed among the
truly rich until he has been called to tes-
tify before the campaign fund Investigate
ing committee.
1t is a durn sight easier to run an oat-
mobile than it is to buy one.
Most women worry more about whether
the rubber plant is going to freeze than
they DO about who's going to be elected
president
mace nothing like an automobile or a loco
motive gives him the least trouble.
A Teller who thinks that the horse is
down and out ought to go and try TO buy
one.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1913-01-11
ACCORDING to Uncle Abner.

The things that a Teller likes to eat and
drink amt good for him, and anyhow
they cost too much.
When a man wears good clothes it's a
cinch that somebody has to work for
them, either himself his wife.
If all the young gentlemen who harg
around the pool rooms would so to work
this life would be a lot easier for the rest
of rs.
never saw a postmaster who was
against the government-at least not un-
til he got out of office.
Anne Hilli<ers nose is so red that It
singes his mustache. Anne was brought
up in a drug store county.
Luke Higgins has got the best oatmo-
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1913-01-11
Noah Webster Down to Date.

Liar-any man who does not agree with
you in politics.
I4iberty-Something that bachelors and
spinsters have.
Notwithstanding that you see adyer-
tised in the papers
Iinoleam-A floor covering that is sup
posed 10 look Ike tile, but doesn't fool
anybody
Iiver-A food used by the very rich.
Isizard-One who belongs to the opposite
pof teal party.
I.obster-Party who believes it when
the young woman tells him he is the only
man she ever kissed.
Lockjaw-An affliction that never hap
pens to the feminine sex.
Loon-Young gent who writes love let
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1913-01-11
DINNER STORIES

A sharp boy in Grangetown walked
into a grocer's shop.
please, SIR" he said to the pro-
prietor, mother told me to ask you
whether there is such a thing as a
sugar trust?'