The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-06


deep shade of the sheltering oaks about
the courthouse was better than the shadow
of a rock in a weary land to the group
OF chronic idlers who spent the summer
days in social converse at this spot The
juror from Beat Sixteen had the floor
and after he had elected the views of
those present on crops, and politics, he
dug into a social theme, as follows:
Society, down our way is divided into
two classes, them what owns a Automo-
bile and them what haint. The former
class is playing the highfalutin act, and
putting on dog, scandalous. when they
whiz past the scum of the earth who don't
use Gasoline motive power. It's funny
how a wheeling old scrap heap, pro-
PEELED by one lung engine and looking
like an insolvent saw mill on dropsical
wheels, will give taekey citizen the big
head.
1.-THE first man to ride an automobile
In our midst was a plumber, who in some
way got hold of little old one-gutte1
Cadillac that fused and fizzed, and got
hot, and stunk up the whole neghbor-
hood, and then the Saloon men bought a
car and after awhile a niger Doctor
annexed one, and finally conservative
citizens whose taxes the Back Tax Com
missioner raised with annual regularity,
bought five-passenger cars. and rubbed it
into their walking neighbors by passing
them in the hot sun with a derisive and
Insulting toot' three times per day
1.-THE suriest and most ill-tempered Old
Tightwad in the Country, If he is driving
buggy your way, will ask you to ride.
The grouchiest Farmer ever made will
give you a lift in his wagon, il he is
passing you on the road. 1t is the height
of discourtesy to rush your buggy, or
wagon past a similar vehicle ahead of
you on country road-it-is never done
without an apology, If at all.
Smiles at Your Efforts
But the swel-headed Automobilist will
rip past your nervous horse. or scary
mule like a Cyclone. footing and fussing
like switch engine. and smile at your
efforts to keep your horse from breaking
your neck. Its easier to stop an automo-
bile and take on a passenger than it is to
stop horse and buggy-it costs no more
in gasoline to take on a weary footman-
and yet your neighbor. who is close in
timate lifelong friend, when driving an
empty car will whiz past you on the road
and never dream of offering you seat
in the car, although going your way.
1T was somewhat this way a few years
since when we had the Bicycle craze, but
when the niggers got to riding wheels the
Aristocracy quit. and it will be with
the Auto-just as soon as the Coons be-
gin pervading the Landscape on joy
rides, and footing at white people who
are walking the highways the Automo-
bile will lapse into a state of innocuous
desuetude as a social factor-and 1t will
be only the Seneeambians who will make
the possession of an Automobile and
razor test of social standing.
MAN changes every seven years, says
the Scientists, but let that man become
the proud owner of new, or second
hand Auto, that makes noise like an
ungreased wheelbarrow, and he will
change in seven minutes from genial,
unselfsh humble citizen, into a poor imi-
tation of an exclusive, society hgh-brow
and tightwad, who would like to do like
rich people but don't know how. Some
of this throwing off on poor folks is be-
cause green kids, little gals, and fool mig
gers drive some of the cars and they
don't know no better, but in many in
stances 1t is done by raw, unbaked grown
persons with accidental money; chaps as
couldn't walk through a Gentleman's Par
Ior without falling over three chairs and
knocking things offn the center table.
Drives by One-Legged Neighbor
II know a chap who has owned car
for two years. seating five people. Every
day for all this time he has driven right
by one-legged neighbor and invalid
girl on their way to town without once
asking them or any other human being
to ride with him. An old maid down my
way has writ a piece of poetry on this
Motor car selfishness, and while it aint
much poetry, 1t seems to hit the facts
square in the face. 1t reads this-a-way:
There's hundred Autos in this here
town. Some are painted black and others
stained brown. The gals drive some and
the kids steer few. But the majority
of 'em is engineered by Gents with vision
10 blamed defective that they fail to OBJ
serve that us poor walking folks want a
ride. too.
I'VE shore need an Oculst in this here
town to work on the Autoists that drive
UP and down and look naughty and scorn-
full as they "toot'' and pass you. And
them tightwads certainly look right
through you and dent you at all, al
though they are your neighbors. and pre-
tend not to know that you want to ride,
too.
srhey whiz up a street and blow a
darned horn and turn up their noses in
whitening scorn, and though you are hot,
sick and lame as he knew, he will try
70 seem rich, and exclusive and sit up as
~ he had a ramrod down his back, and
never see you-but will blow that dad