The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-07-13
VANDIVER SUBMITS SOME MORE
YARNS OF COURTHOUSE GANG
and Fmou
Sheriff Gives Views He DefendFa Ones

House of Lords in England. Mister re-
porter sat all day in the gallery listening
to them ducks address each other as
Most noble Lord and My Lord and
such profanity, until he got jaded clear
down to his gambrels. and likewise slight
| ly peeyed so that along in the shank of
/ the evening. after he had taken about
| 16 drinks confidential, with himself he
knocked on the rail of the gallery for at
tention, and leaning over he waved his
hand Complementary. and asked in "a
pleading tone: VIII some noble Lord
please shing a Comic Song?
"Orators don't seem to grow in the flat
lands as simultaneously as they eventu-
ate up in the Mountings," remarked the
! Old time Lawyer Man from Coosa En-
during of my eventful career before a
/ legal forum over in Cleburne County |
have saw things in the oratorical line
that would make Old Demosthenees take
to worter as a regular beverage My
| friends, Cleberne County is not only the
Fountain head of Vox populi. and corn
whiskey, but it is the unpolluted source
of genuine, three-ply Orators from the
head-worters BY the time a kid over
there is big enough to call hogs he has
learned to reeite every speech invented
from the time Spartacuss to the Radia-
tors, down TO Jess Stallings effort on the
Fourth of July at Green Pond.
AS soon as boy gifts off his hippins,
over thar, he announces hisself as Can
didate for Congress on a safe and sane
platform, and he speaks from every
stump in the district and quaffs corn lik-
ker ad valorem He amt running to get
elected oh no-he's merely sprntng to
get in practise so that he can run when
the emergency arises. Away back yam
der when a lot of us Patriots was a
snatching the Proud State of Alabama
from the polluted hand of the desecrating
-Bagger-when reconstruction had
left us mighty nigh a busted community,
and Gov. Conner, then a little baby boy
in kits, was a trying to learn how to
stop toy tin railroad train from running
down hill-the State Jubernashanal Cam
paign was on, red hot, and Parker was a
running for Secretary of State. Along in
the torrid days of July Parker hand
billed the peaks and pinnacles of Gle
berne and them pure and undefled dem
ocrats of that bumpy county got up
monster barbecue. in good walking dis
tance of a distilery, near Chulafnne.
Parker had stayed all night with a big
hearted hosiptable Irishman whose appe-
tite for corn whskey and politics had
not been quenched by advancing years.
Uncle Billy, as Parker's host was named,
was a power in elections in that section.
Everybody liked him. and his democracy
was of that type that would stand over
night, in hot weather, without turning
sour. On arrival at the Barbecue
grounds, conveyed by Uncle Billy, Park
er observed that many ladies were present
and he turned to his host, regretting that
such was the case.
And why, Par-r-ker?' asked Uncle
Billy. Because said the Candidate the
fact is, Uncle Billy, I have an anecdote
about midway of my speech, which is a
little bit rank-er-not precisely the kind
of a story for ladies to hear; but it's a
jimdandy lick at the Republicans and I
dislike to leave it out It's not SO dread
fully tainted that it is rotten, but it is
just kinder off color for high-toned So
ciety--a sort of a Club story for men
only
.Arrah, Parker me darlint said I'm
Gle Billy. just go on wild your spache un-
til you arroiye at the place in your dis
course where yer are compelled to heave
in that joke and then tip me the wink
and I'll disparse the females
Parker GRATED for an hour on the po-
ltical issues of the day-the rottenness of
the Republican Party, the Old Ship of
State, the immediate necessity of remov-
ing the Internal Revenue Tax on whiskey,
etc, etc, Uncle Billy watching him like
a hawk. AT last Parker arrived at the
fatal point and he bestowed upon his
friend an eldDofate ana appealing Wink.
Immediately Uncle Billy mounted a log.
and energetically spoke: Ieedies-Leedies
the Spaker has now arrived at a point
in his spache where it is impossible for
him to proceed without telling a dirty
Joke. You will please dispersev The la
dies scattered like partridges. Parker
fired the anecdote, which pinched the Re-
publicans and provoked boisterous mirth
on the part of the Democrats, the crowd
being about equally divided politically.
In the exuberance of his enjoyment of
the story a Democrat slapped Republi
can on the back, and the latter. taking
umbrage at this familiarity, f1attened
the nose of the democrat. Immediately
there was a general fist and skull fight all
over the grounds. Parker was aghast.
Visions of mangled limbs, tubs of blood,
and genral slaughter filled his mind, as
well as the goose-bumps filed his flesh,
and while he was trying to decide wheth-
er it was safest to crawl under the plat
form or to flee to the woods, Uncle Billy
mounted the platform gave a wild Irish
yell, and announced, 'Hurro! I'll wager
a gallon of likker that the Candidate, me
froind Parker. can bate the stuffin out of
any mon in the crowd. Come on and
tackle him, we divils, and your Uncle Billy