davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The San Francisco call., 1913-09-20

ever they print what they said, it's safe
to be sorry you missed it,
We'll, have you never enjoyed your
self at even one of 'em?'
"Yes; l was on duty at one that was
whirlwind. The POSTMASTER was the only
one have ever listened to who impressed
me that he was happy at home. Most
of the toastmasters are so conservative
that I'll bet they would handle billiard
ball as if they were afraid of breaking the
yolk, but this fellow took chance He
took lot OF 'em. In fact, he took one
too many, but maybe he wasn't to blame
for that. Corporal, dislike to talk about
The San Francisco call., 1913-09-20

THAT can't be so because these same
reporters quote extracts from the speeches
you say they never heard
Tough 10 Be Caught
Doing Hero Act
But didn't say they didn't write en-
"Oh, well, apparently Mr.. Lane was
quite hero
'Yes, and he had to go 5000 miles
away and getfhe cutaway coat habit be-
fore we ever realized it. It's all right to
be hero, but it's pretty tough to be
caught at it. Do you remember the night
they opened the new Tivoli''
4 do
4 was detailed that night to help pry
The San Francisco call., 1913-09-20
He Never Heard
His Faporite Speaker

well, if what you tell me about these
banquets is true l will never believe any
thing | read again"
And it might be just as well not to
believe all you see. AS long as two drum
mers are not together you might think
either of them weren't, so you never can
tell"
Still I can't get away from the feeling
that when the papers say that the speaker
of the evening made a great talk that he
must have made it, and, furthermore, that
he must have written it.
Il see. Well, l suppose you have often
heard about the danger of the third rail 7"
Il have
Then suppose you know that it's
really the electricity that does the dam
age. It might be we'll for you to bear
this in mind, corporal It'll make lot
Of things in this life easy figuring
who was the best speaker you ever
heard?"
q never heard him. Speakers are very
uncertain; they will promise to make
The San Francisco call., 1913-09-20
The Test for Real
Jolly Good Fellows

and you couldn't be martyr for the
same reason. Now, martyrs were doing
business long before the first guest of
honor believed what the POSTMASTER said
about him, only the martyrs didn't suffer
as much
I don't see why they give these things
According to your story, they are nothing
but an expense
That seems to be pretty general
opinion, but it's wrong. You know, cor
poral, very few people stop to consider
that if the free lunch didn't pay they'd
charge for it,
We'll, if it's just case of suffering,
don't care to go to any of EN- Besides
I'm not in favor of capital punishment
anyhow
Neither am except for the maniac
who starts For He's a Jolly Good Fell
low"
what have you got against that
song"
Nothing in particular, except that it
isn't song, and if he was a jolly good
fellow, he'd be drinking beer at Herberts
instead of bubbles at the Fairmont"
I'm glad you spoke of Herbert -that
reminds of something. SO long"
so long"
AGiddapv
The San Francisco call., 1913-09-20

the automobiles apart Just about 8
o'clock there was an awful hullabulloo
in Eddy street. / don't remember all the
details, but | know l stopped the team.
1t was a bakery wagon, and when they
picked me up you couldn't tell whether
I was a chocolate eclair or a LEMON
MERINGUE. Now, why couldn't that
have been some swell turnout with Mary
Garden sitting
What about your wife and chiidren?"
"Oh, | couldn't have married the lady,
but there are circumstances under which
even I would take money; and what did
/ get-nothing; the only remark ] re-
member was made by a young thing
whose limousine | fell in front of-she
said | looked like an illustrated page of
Don't out of cook book All of which
goes to prove my theory that if you have
a little luck you're romantic hero, if
you don't you're an ordinary shock alb
sorber.'
The San Francisco call., 1913-09-20

did want one could take comfort in.
] hate the clinging vines, SO 7 talked
to Tom about 1t all could. OF course,
I praised her as much as could man
age and did not let him hear Of any
thing but Sally when he was at home.
And, of course, when he was with her
she didn't nearly come up to what I'd
said OF her. and he naturally began to
notice her defects.
Especially after Mrs. Burkes niece
came to town. Being next door. Tom
saw a good deal of her. Sally was
spunky and objected to his taking
Trixy around. I told him 1t was a
warning, for nothins's worse than a
jealous wife. So he told Sally they'd
L.t.sr break of. He was jus. as nice
The San Francisco call., 1913-09-20

one to feel badly. and you know how
girls can act when they want man .
sympathy.
so 1t just served her good and
right when he met Sally and liked
her better than Clara or course.
Clara made fuss. and I almost won
dered IL she'd cause Tom trouble. but
she knew in her heart that she'd no
right making him propose to her, so
she retired as gracefully as she could
But ] felt rather, sorry for her. for
she seemed really fond of my boy
Tom.
Sally and Tom seemed suited to
each other. but didn't like her very
much. She was the 1anguid sort. and
il. / had. to have . daughter In lgw 7
The San Francisco call., 1913-09-20
TOMS MOTHERS VIEW OF 1T
Short Story

why didn't you get an announce
ment Of Toms wedding" exclaimed
Toms mother, in amazement. We'll,
that just goes TO show how you've got
to take care Of things yourself.
sent a list Of friends to susie's mother
and asked her to be sure TO mail an
nouncements TO them-and yours was
pne of the first names on It.
well. anyway, Toms married. and
; you don't know how relievedeI am.
Hes got lovely wife. which Is a
wonder.
- I hope my other son will De less
popular. Why. Tom had no peace
whatever. The telephone rang until
my ears aehed, and I threatened TO
tAksAit out because it was never used
The San Francisco call., 1913-09-20
A Short Story

by any one except Tonne was at 1t
constantly
There was Isabel She deliberate
" set out to catch him. Any one
could tell It. She phoned him and
invited him out there and fused over
him until in sheer desperation he pro-
posed to her.g' Then. of course. the
poor boy had a tine breaking of.
SHE FORCED HIM
Then Clara deliberately forced him
to propose. 1 know she did. for you
can't tell me that Tom of his own
accord would have become engaged to
her just week after he and Isabel
broke off,
Tom. poor boy. is so absurdly ten
der hearted. He can't bear for any
The San Francisco call., 1913-09-20

/ advised him to get back the ring.
Tom had met Susie at a party
just before he met Trixy. He hadn't
been much impressed at first. for she
was quiet and not so forward as most
girls. But he met her again a few
days later. just before he broke off
with Trixy, and / guess he proposed
to her right away.
Well. she hung on to him and set
an early wedding date. and she cap
tured him, all right.
I'm so glad It's over. He just
couldn't refuse any one anything If it
was in his power. but now girls will
leave him alone. suppose. and he'll
live in peace.
They'll be happy. Oh. yes. Tom
has such a loyal nature. and I'm
proud OF him. But aren't girls
queer?"
The San Francisco call., 1913-09-20
CURIOUS FACTS


According to official statistics re-
Gently compiled in Germany. the num-
Der of centenarians in Europe is far
greater than is generally imagined
Spain possesses 40, France 213,
Italy 1877. Great Britain 80, Russia
SO. Belgium 5 and Denmark @ Switz-
erland has none. The Balkan states
hold the. record. In Bulgaria alone
there are no fewer than 3,Sss cen
tenarians, and there are another
1.o74 In Roumania and 5Ts in servia-
~ x
The state OF Pennsylvania has
passed law requiring prospective
brides and bridegrooms tosanswer is
questions relative TO their mental and
physical condition before a marriage
license is issued.
Good mortar must consist OF at
iaaxt 0ne-fhird lima
The San Francisco call., 1913-09-20
Can't Gel Along
Without oastmasters
T7#' 'TTW

why didn't the toastmaster stop him.
We'll, he did give him the two whistle
signal couple Of times, but he only went
into neutral and let his engine speed"
AT that ! suppose it would be impos-
sible to get along without POSTMASTER"
That might be, but somehow or other
! have always thought that even if there
The San Francisco call., 1913-09-20
PUBLIC BANQUETs

T. T NAIDED by human hand, chair,
step, box or rope ladder, the cor
poral disnlounted from his trusty
Mcclellan, just as il he'd gotten
7up there all by himself
j. Twice he yelled Whoa" but, as she
didn't even look. around either time, he
: threw the reins on the ground and wad-
died over toward the traffic cop.
s The traffic cop was directing his
giances toward a gentleman occupying
The San Francisco call., 1913-09-20
y

A remarkable women's fashion re-
ported from Paris consists in wear
ing waistcoats OF the regulation
mems style and size, not the small
vests that were tentatively intro
duced some time ago. Some experts
predict that mans heavy gold
watch chain will follow suit, TO give
finish to the garment.
\
DR.. Charles Perrier, police surgeon
al Mines, France, concludes from ex-
periments lasting 10 years that
thieves and incendiaries have the
longest feet; coiners come next: these
being followed in regular order OF
succession by dynamitsrs, traupn.
swindlers and poisoners.
4
Gold coin loses per cent OF weight
in so years. -silxe~ J. 80 aeaa In -
The San Francisco call., 1913-09-20

impossible to be long at it. Well, sir, I'll
never forget that speech. Either the COM
mittee hadn't seen that chest, or our
friend had. He made the speech, all right,
and he presented the silver, but he pre-
sented it by the piece and not by the
chest. Naturally the committee were a
The San Francisco call., 1913-09-20

10 minute talk, and waste Is trying to
get into position where flash1ight can't
miss EN- There was one of these boys
one night who wouldn't be sidetracked
The committee had to put him on, so they
gave him the job of presenting chest
OF silver to the guest Of honor They
figured ANYBODY could do that, and it was
The San Francisco call., 1913-09-20

calisthenics.
rid OF it. You see, his regular hours are
from to 3, and he saw no reason to make
an exception in this case. Most every
man speaks as he works, only longer.
Corporal, if ever I found myself in the
position of POSTMASTER I'd let the speak
ers get up whenever it suited them, but,
believe me, I'd have the Gentlemen, Be
Seated" concession in my own name, and
in writing"
well, why is it the papers on the morn
ing following one of these banquets al
ways speak Of them as being such great
success?"
Why shouldn't they? The reporters
have to leave before the speeches.
The San Francisco call., 1913-09-20

little sore, but you should have heard
them after dinner when they found it took
their man longer TO present it than it did
the jeweler to mark it"
The San Francisco call., 1913-09-20

Fifty years ago there. was one luna
tic In SIS of the population. now
there is one in 2S6? At this rate in
500 years there will be more insans
than sane people In the word.
The San Francisco call., 1913-09-20
Why the Names in Such
Large Tppe2

"Still cant understand why, if that's
the case, SO much space is always given
to names OF those that speak on these
various occasions. I've never read an ac-
count of one of them yet but what the
names of the speakers are given in large
type
Eyes, and you couldn't find any men
ton of what they said with microscope
Corporal, whenever you read the names
you can be glad you didn't go, but when
The San Francisco call., 1913-09-20

were no insurance brokers we would still
get our money if the house burned, and,
while | don't know much about music,
| have enjoyed many Sunday concert
without even seeing drum major, but,
as you say, perhaps they couldn't get
along without POSTMASTER.
We'll, suppose they did do away with
toastmasters; you couldn't work any me-
chanical contrivance like the recent self
starting innovation on an automobile"
A self-starter may be an innovation,
as far as automobiles are concerned, but
| know it has been going on at dinners
ever since food was first served cold
Why, corporal, if at the next public ban
quet that is given in this town no one
is asked to speak, I'll bet my uniform that
if the POSTMASTER were to eulogize the
next speaker, and mention no names, that
before he would have an opportunity to
put his napkin back in his collar nine
tenths of the men in the room would be
on their feet, and each man would think
that the others were standing up Ill order
to give him an enthusiastic reception
The San Francisco call., 1913-09-20

day I'd like to be POSTMASTER at one of
these big banquets.'
How the professional POSTMASTER ever
got by the pure food laws will always be
mystery TO me"
Still, it must be a great art to be able
to introduce lot OF after dinner speakers
in a manner satisfactory to them"
1T is, if you can keep from laughing
yourself. AS a matter of fact, corporal,
any time you find man who actually sits
at the speakers table from choice, he
doesn't care what you say about him, pro-
vided you say it loud enough
1t must be a pretty hard matter to
get people to speak at these dinners"
"No, that isn't the trouble. It's getting
them to stop that bothers the average
toastmaster In my opinion, the railroad
block system applied to after dinner
speaking would reverse the present con-
ditions as to the-oratorical supply and de-
mand"
who does the success of dinner de-
pend on-the POSTMASTER or the orators ?"
Todstmaster Most TO Do
and Overdoes 1t
We'll, that's more or less of hard ques-
ton. Sometimes they have to go II in
nings before the crowd can decide which
is the worst. As general thing, though,
the POSTMASTER has the most to do, and,
as regular thing, he overdoes it. It's
been my experience that they select men
to make talks at dinners who have every
other qualification in the world than that
required to make speech. I remember
one banquet the bankers gave-the prin-
cipal speech naturally had to be made
by the principal banker. Now, ] don't
know the gentleman personally, and
suppose that when it comes to saying
no" TO a client, calling loan or being
dignihed during the day he hasn't his
equal, but wish you could have heard
his speech. I give you my word that if
you had taken the decimal points out Of
it there would have been nothing left of
his talk but an exhibition in calisthenics
NOT only that, but two courses got cold
and the ice melted while he was getting
The San Francisco call., 1913-09-20

:. the drivers seat on motor truck, and
#: the Interpretation OF those glances had
ever penetrated under the hood they
:AvQuld have killed the engine
I understand" said the corporal, tes-
! fifying to the inefhciency of the street
..:cieaning department by an active and pro-
":|:flse use OF his gauntlets, Z understand
:. we have been giving quite a few public
fbanquets lately
ST. S.: Il that 50? And in this instance who
!. afe WEI
Banquets Training for the
- raffc Cop
> e .esIhe Knights Of the Gold Service and
the United Order OF Hand Shakers OF the
Great"
Well, they might give a thousand,
for all of me; that's where got my train
ing for this job"
" What training2
Why, before the commission consid-
ers that you are fit to stop a horse or
start car you have to show your mettle
on the banquet detail
I didn't know there was any such de-
tail; I never heard of il
Well, there is, nevertheless, and the
= test IS that if you can attend dozen of
these affairs, retain your mental balance,
5. and never be caught asleep in the coat
room. you are then honored by the dis
tinction Of being fit to stand on box,
gurgIe your life away on tin whistle and
defy the elements"
rs It as bad as that"
- Its worse I'd rather be
here all day and let you name the. weather
than 60 to another banquet, that is if I
2 had to listen. Corporal, have you never
been to.one Of 'em?"
Need Bloch System
!. On Dinner Speakers
Never, although / came pretty close
The San Francisco call., 1913-09-20
Man Who Yells
Louder Is Pest

Il take it the POSTMASTER must have
lot to contend with?"
You're right again"
4 suppose it's no easy job to keep a
big crowd of men quiet so that the
speaker can have a chance?"
"No, its not easy, but it should be
simple. II the man who is always yelling
Louder would only keep quiet, every
body could hear"
I'D like to go to just one Of EN- It's
a long time since I've heard anything
original
You'll never hear it there; not but
what they try it on whenever they get
chance I went up and did plain clothes
stunt one night because the word was out
the speaker of the evening was one OF
those original fellows"
And was he?"
Il should say not; he wasn't even
good carbon copy"
What do you consider the greatest
qualification for successful speaker"
An ability and willingness to play
squat tag It's the surest thing, you
know, corporal, that the man who avails
himself OF the very first opportunity to
sit down is the only one who is compelled
to stand up and bow his appreciation
There's one thing sure-you can't be
guest of honor at one of these big affairs
unless you've done something
The San Francisco call., 1913-09-20
Need Bloch System
On Dinner Speakers

Never, although ! came pretty close
to going to the one they gave to Mr..
Lane. I've always had notion that it
must be a great thing to make speech.
I've always had a foolish idea that some
The San Francisco call., 1913-09-20

Good mortar must consist Of at
least one third lime
The San Francisco call., 1913-09-20

myself, and hate to fight against odds
but III guarantee to kill the liveliest din
ner ever given if you will allow me 10
minutes and one sleight of hand man
The Colorado statesman., 1913-12-27
THE WHIT MANS
TROUBLES

In a late issue of the London
Spectator is q very interesting and
suggestive editorial bearing upon
racial conditions in South Africa.
The white man in South Africa
seems to be in continual danger
and in such perpetual trepidation.
He is afraid of the native black
man and now he seems more afraid
of the East Indian, who has been
imported into South Africa in
large numbers for the purpose of
labor.
The white man in South Africa
really seems to be in pitiful con-
dition. He always wants protec-
ton of some, kind from some color.
He canrot or will not perform the
|! rough menial labor himself, and
when he imports the East Indian
to perform it for him he is con-
stantly afraid that the East Indian
will grow intelligent, will get hold
of wealth, will become owner of
property and, therefore, demand a
share in the government Of the
country.
The white man in South Africa
is equally afraid of the black ma
tive, but does not want to have
them become intelligent, thrifty
OF prosperous. If either of these
races grows in any one of these di-
rections the poor white man gets
at once into panicky condition.
Really the white man in South
Africa deserves the sympathy and
the pity of the world. We do not
know how to suggest remedy for
his pitiful condition except to
gradually teach him that in pro-
portion as all people are taught
that one man is equal to another
and should have the same oppor-
tunities and rights, many of the
imaginary fears he now suffers un,
der will disappear.
The Colorado statesman., 1913-12-27

meeting heavyweights just as read
lily as welters.
"When Joe Cans was lightweight
champion he certainly was the
'smartest' thing in the boxing liue,
but, like Dixon, Cans has passed
on,-his end coming soon after he
quit the ring. He captured the
title from Frank Erne, the Buffalo
boy, in a one round of the knock
out order Cans held his honois
until 1908, when Battling Nelson
scored knockout victory. 1t can
be said for Cans that he was
through when he lost the crown,
for consumption had taken grip
on him and it wasen't long after
that that he passed.
The Colorado statesman., 1913-12-27

Florence. S. O., Dec. I6.-Assis-
tant Postmaster Mischeaux has
been removed by the Wilson Adj
ministration. The reason: Be
cause he is a Negro. Mischeaux
served under j. E Wilson, col
ored man, and has been working
under Post. master j. A. Chase,
white, for several months. Chase
received word last week from Con-
gresham Ragsdale that the effort
to have Mischeaux let out had re-
suited favorably. No charges were
made against Assistant Postmas-
ter Mischeaux. He was regarded
as an efficient assistant. Promi-
nent white business men petition
ed for his retention, but it is re-
ported that Ragsdale and other
white politicians are determined to
have every Negro ot6ce-holder in
the Sixth District removed.
The Colorado statesman., 1913-12-27

Waycross, Ca, Dec 16.-Fol-
lowing one of the most sensational
trials known in Ware County in
years, William Young, a Negro,
charged with crimiually assalting
14-year- old white girl iu the Wares
bore district, was acquainted in
Superior Court. The defense tore
down the allegations of the prose-
cution, and the girl involved, who
spent some time on the stand, made
contradictory statements that at
the very start caused doubt to ex-
ist as to the truth in the case. j.
l.. Bird, father of the girl, is
prisoner in Jail, charged with shoot.
ing Young Bird claimed he shot
Young in an effort to prevent his
escape. Yong denied the charge
at the start, and said he was shot
without provooation. Intimations
that may result in disclosures of
serious nature were given by at
torneys intere sted. 1t is the first
time such case has been tried in
Ware in years, and is one of the
few cases of record where Negro
was turned loose after being
charged with such a crime.
The Colorado statesman., 1913-12-27
FOUR LANGUAGES
SPOKEN IN AFRICA

Concerning African languages
SirHarry Johnston, who speaks
with high authority, has declared
that ''in Africa there are four great
languages of the present and the
future: English, Arabic, Hausa
and Swahill." Throughout Cen
tral Africa Swawhill serves admir-
ably as a lingua franca for purpos-
es of trade and travel. This i'm
portant language, which is the east
coast form of Bantu, reflects the
mixture of African and Arab ele-
ments found in the population be-
tween Membasa and ZANZIBAR. IN
der the old commercial system,
based on the slave trade, this
speech spread, and was carried
along all the caravan routes which
led from every part of the region
of the great Central African lakes
down 10 the seaports. Today Swa-
hill is said to be spoken by 29,000,-
600 people, and is largely used as
an official language in German
East Africa and even in Belgian
Congo.
The Colorado statesman., 1913-12-27
Ranch.Rred Foxes Best.

While the supply Of ranch foxes IS
on the increase, the wild fox is becom-
ing more scarce. For instance, out of
56 live foxes captured by the Indians
in the Yukon district last spring, only
two were silver black. The silver gray
foxes of this lot commanded $4,000 a
pair. There is. besides, a decided su-
periority to the ranch-bred fox, as the
animal is better fed and has the best
of care.
The Colorado statesman., 1913-12-27

Birmingham, Ala, Dec. 10
Too frequent outbursts of crime
in which Negroes figure, even
though they are crimes in which
Negroes, put the city to extra ex-
pense, made bad name for the
community, and do not by any
means predispose thinking people
towards the progress and achieve
ments of the Negro" Thus spoke
w. B. Driver, retiring preside mt
of the Birmingham Negro Busi
ness League, the most forceful Ne
gro organization in the community
at the public ius allstion of the