davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
That Moved Him.

'f1s that clock right?" asked the
visitor, who had already outstayed
his welcome.
His hostess yawned
@Oh, no." she said That's the
clock We always call The Visitor.
The obdurate one sat down again.
The Visitori'" he remarked.
What a curious name to give a
clock"
His hostess ventured an explana-
ton.
You see,' she cooed sweetly, I'VE
call it that because we can never
make Il go"
And then he went
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02

Why do so many theaters close in
the summer timer"
Because answered the burlesque
manager, people can't be expected TO
take much interest in comic costumes
during the seaside bathing display.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
Effect of Meat Rations.

The effect of meat rations was test
ed at West Virginia experiment sta
ton, where one pen of fowls received
a ration largely of corn and otaer
starchy grains, while another pen vas
fed partly on meat and fresh bone.
The meat-fed fowls laid 1866 eggs,
while the granted birds laid 3,lS1.
o. less than one-half as many as those
receiving the heterogeneous ration. The
eggs from the meat-fed fowls were
larger. much firmer, rather better and
produced much more vigorous chick
ems than those Of the others. Both
lots O. fowls remained in 4 healthy,
vigorous condition.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02

milk and 800 pounds of butter. Her
owner says she turned net profit Of
$40.25. She was charged with her
keep and credited with a calf at only
S. and value of manure SIT in add
iton to her milk and butter. Pas
ture, feed and milking were all
charged against her. The woman
VINO owns this COW has nine cows in
her herd and all have been bred up
to a state of high efficiency. She
buys the services of the highest
priced bull in the county because she
knows it pays.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
Dutch CouraOe.

Excuse me, old man." says the in
innate friend, "but, really, you ought
not to take on so many cocktails just
before going home to dinner"
ut isn't that l like tn thingsh," al
most weeps the gentleman addressed,
in moment of semi-maudlin conf
dence. Il don't care for chem, but l
got to get up shome short O. courage
to be able to ack unconsherned in tn
preshenshe O. m wife'sh new butler"
Judge.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02

the wagon in position in this manner
It should be done, not by pulling ths
animals back by main strength. but
by talking to them, accompanied By
a gentle pull on the reins.
A colt properly trained is worth
considerably more than one with lit
tie or no training on account Of
greater ease in handling, and a great
er amount of work accomplished with
less risk to both driver and the ami
mails. 1t would be time well spent If
more attention were given to these
matters by farmers and horse dealers.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
Good Guess

The class was discussing animals
how they walked, got up, etc. After
she explained the cows method of ris-
ing to her feet, the teacher asked:
DO you know any other animal that
gets up like a cow" Silence reigned
for a moment, then one little girl tim
idly raised her hand
What is it?" asked the teacher
"a calf" was the reply.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
TEACHING A COLT TO WORK
Modern Draft Animal Needs but little
ning-Walking Gait Is Essen
tiaI, but Neglected.

Not enough care is given to teach
ing colts to work We often hear of
breaking colts; but there is little
breaking to do with the modern draft
colt. They do need 10 be taught a rex
things, such as backing with lead
and standing quietly when stopped.
How many accidents occur from tue
team starting before they are told 20
start, and It can be avoided usually
by proper training
The walking gait is most essential
III heavy work horses, and yet it is
often neglected in the training So
many young horses know nothing
about backing. for little attention IS
paid to this accomplishment in horses,
and yet it is often very necessary that
tie team understands how to place
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
In RaIIiatinn

The elderly but well-preserved
bachelor was trying to make love to
the proud young beauty.
why, Mr.. SquilIop," she exclaimed,
IN establishment, why don't you take
somebody Of your own age! You're
as old as-as old as the moral law!"
q know it, Miss Fanny" he said,
but I'm in a good deal better state of
preservation.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
He Was Needed.

This anocdote is told of a small col
ored boy Who loved to attend funerals
and who one day was directed to move
from the doorway of house wherein
white person lay dead
Go on at once, boy" said a mem
Der Of the family. gently assisting Ras-
tus toward the sidewalk, You have
no reason to be here"
y has too, objected Rastus. resist
ing. Use de Grape"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
Followed Suit.

7 w2s at birthday banquet given
the other evening by a prominent Paris
millionaire banker The fun was at
its height, when lady cried out:
My pearl necklace has disap-
peared!"
Uproar followed, while every one
suggested plans for its recovery.
Then the banker had brilliant idea.
I'VE will place salver in the mid
die of the ROOM" he said, lights will
De extinguished, and the perpetrator
Of this silly joke will have an oppor-
tunity of restoring the missing neck
lace"
This was done
Then the lights we're turned on again
and there was more CONSERVATION.
The salver had disappeared.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
NeiqhborlY Comment.

Local Busybody Gas new residents
pass Awful people, my dear. The
mother! So dreadfully loud. I'm
quite sure she isn't nice sort of per-
son; and as for the daughter
Wears Wife-WeIl she looks nice,
quiet little thing.
Busybody-My dear, that's just it.
l detest those quiet people. Still wa
tiers run deep, you know-Punch.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
New Use for Carbon,

Carbonic acid snow (pure carbon
dioxide) is now being used success
fully at the West London hospital by
DR.. Reginald Morton in the treatment
of many diseases. Moles are eradi-
Gated by it, warts removed by two or
three applications, and birthmarks-
except the so-called port wine stain"
yield to it. Chronic localized
patches of eczema are healed by it;
it is useful in many cases of rodent
ulcer; in trachoma it is about twice
as rapid as any other cure, not nearly
SO painful, and can be used without
risk.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
His Practice.

"Hellu! Is that Doctor Glizzard's
rTlG?''
Yes"
I'D like to speak to the doctor"
He's busy just now
An hour passed.
Hello! Doctor Glizzard?'
NO; this is his Office, but he's
Dusy."
lapse OF another hour
Hello! I want to talk to Doctor
Gltzzard."
He's busy
Busy? What in thunder keeps him
SO busy?"
He's playing golf"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
BIG RECORD OF LITTLE cow
Jersey on Nebraska Farm Produced
$500 Pounds CT Milk and 800
Pounds of Butter in Year.

This little Jersey was bred by
woman on a Nebraska farm. She was
bred up from common grade grand
mother by thoroughbred bulls and
shows good form except the head
which is a trife too large But she
produced last year $500 pounds of
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
Helping the Bride,

When Mrs. Blank, who had always
lived near the coast, was married she
went to live in small Kansas town
Shortly after her arrival she called
on her butcher and ordered a quart of
scaIlops.
Why, Mrs. Blank" said the dealer,
81 guess you will find those at the
dressmaker's. And" he added, kind
ly, remembering that she was a bride,
Il think they're sold by the yard. -
Lippincott's Magazine.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
TREATING Cuts.

Fowls occasionally suffer from sour
crop. that is when they are picked
up they vomit a quantity of fluid
eand the crop feels soft. For this we
know of no better remedy than two
teaspoonfuls of sugar and baking soda
in a teaCupful OF warm water. Give
two teaspooEfuls of this once day
and at the same time supply plenty OF
grit
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
Proved II.

Mrs. Brown arrived late at the regu-
lar meeting Of her card club and ap-
peared quite fustered, unlike her
usual calm, well-poised self. Upon be-
ing asked the cause of her apparent
perturbation she explained that, while
waiting for the street car, she had
been greatly annoyed by a strange
man, who insisted upon talking TO
her.
What did you do?" inquired her
sympathizing friends.
We'll, to show him I was a lady
slapped his face!"-Judge.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
Absent Minded.

Then, Minnie, you are going to get
another physician instead of the old
health Inspector"
yes; he is too absent minded Re
Gently, as he examined me with the
stethoscope he suddenly called out,
Hello! Who is it?' Fliegenda
Blaetter, Munich
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
Wood Used in Panama Locks.

The sills and tenders of the lock
gates at Panama are made from the
greenheart tree, which grows in the
dense forests of South America This
wood is more durable than iron or
steel, being immune from white ants,
the toredo, or any other pest. Nan
sens ship, the Fran, was built of
greenheart, and it has been used in
locks in England for centuries. The
trees grow in tropical jungles to be
1000 years old
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
Owed Him Money,

Yeast-What were you running
across the street for?
Crimsonbeak-Didn't you see that
automobile coming?
Yes, but it was two blocks away. It
couldn't run over you
Perhaps not, but my tailor was in
l.. all right"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
Warm Bunch,

Bacon-I see more than 100000
fewer tons of coal were mined in the
United Kingdom last year than in the
year before.
Egbert-WeIl, they don't really need
it. The sufragette bunch is making it
warm enough over there
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
HarroWinu Experience

I'm afraid that you are seriously
ILL.," said Mrs. Mopser, at the breakfast
table.
My dear, 1 had a frightful night
mare last night" answered Professor
Mopser, white and shaking.
What did you dream
7 dreamed 1 split an infnitive."
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
Explanatory,

Old Isaacs (entering unannounced)
Vat you mean Ply holting mine
daughter in your lap-hey?
Young Rosenbaum-VeIl, her NUT
ter said she vas worth heir weight in
goldt, undt l vas shust doing a leedIe
acknowledgements alI!-Puck
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
Safety in SOecch

Your speech contains a great many
quotations from the classics"
Yes" replied Senator Sorghum; q
always feel safe in using Latin and
Greek. Not being understood at all,
they are sure not TO be misunder-
stood
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
LOSING Game.

Crawford-Why don't you try jolly
ing your wife little? It's easy to tell
her she's looking younger and more
beautiful every day.
Crabshaw-I tried that once and she
nailed me for money to have her pic
lure taken-Judge
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
Other Didn't Ext pryIy.

AT last things are coming my way,
said the actor as he bolted dripping
from the stage.
Eggs-actly," responded the stage
manager, dryly.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
In Boston.

You talk about your breakfast foods
Of cedar or Of pine;
But. give me any kind of pie,
It's good enough for mine.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
DOH Z ITO To
Why not 2"
The Weary Inquiry.

Il want something in the way Of
light summer literature. You under
stand,>it must be something very light
indeed
The new boy at the news stand
looked at the tourist YEARLY and in
quired:
DO you think we're selling the stuff
by the pound?"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
Too Good Natured.

Bobbie-Oh, mamma! Have you
seen Uncle Jake? He looks awful
happy.
Boobies Mother (anxiously)-
What's the matter with him?
4 think he has been taking some of
that good natured alcohol. "-Life.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
Conclusive Evidence,

Crawford-How do you know oul
daughter and her young man haven't
made up their quarrel yet?
Mrs. Crawford-Because the gas has
been turned up high all the evening,
Judge.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02

Gladys-When people go to the
country they leave the cats behind.
Marion-Then where do all those on
the hotel piazzas come from?
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
Not LikeIv

7 don't suppose the servant ques-
ton will ever be solved"
mot until the majority of people
show far greater inclination to wait
on themselves than they do now"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
Lower Class.

Bobby-Thcre was new boy in
our school today.
Bingo-In your class?
Bobby guess not. I licked him
with one hand.-Puck
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02

Color more goods brighter and faster colors than an
You can dye any garment without rpping apart. J
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
On a Vacation,

Where's the guv'nor gone for is
holidays this year?"
Gardener = Somewhere on the
French coast Nal de Mer. I thinks
the name of the place.-Lond4n Opin
ion.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
Young Hoes 4 esif1Y.

Young hogs should not be given
crowded quarters. In order to keep
them in d healthy. growing condition,
a proper diet should be fed. Healthy
individuals possess a certain amount
OF power 10 resist disease. and this
plays no small part in preventing it.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
LIGHTNING Calculator.

"a st. Louis newspaper is offering
one hundred dollars for the ten best
reasons why people should move to
Missouri"
I could give ten reasons why one
shouldn't"
Don't do it."
why not?"
Because you would then owe him
one hundred dollars"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
Chsracter of HOG Shelter.

Hog sheds need not be expensive,
but they should be dry, tight enough
to exclude rain and also capable of
being well ventilated in summer when
the weather is hot and shade is
needed.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02

Some farmers viii persist in beef
ing and milking with the same herd,
then they beef about the profits 1t
takes a long time to convince some
people.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
Forced Industry.

You must have had some strong
inspiration when you wrote this
poem"
Verify" said the poet. 81 had"
And what was it, may l ask?"
"a dispossession notice"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
On the Circus Train.

The elephant is smashing up
things in the car and we can't find
his trainer.
Then get the baggage master to
check the elephants trunk"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02

Of SPANS total imports 13 per
cent come from the United States.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
Weedy Pastures

Pastures weedy? Good time now
to cut them over. If you can't drive
mower over them, take scythe and
stick right to it till you have made
Z thorough job of it.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
Sorry fer the Chickens.

Dorothy was visiting her grandpar
ents in the country for the first time
Seeing a quantity Of feathers scattered
about the henyard, she shook her head
in disapproval.
Grandpa" she told him gravely,
you really ought to do something to
keep your chickens from wearing out
so. "-Everybody's Magazine.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02

Mrs. Wiusiow's Soothing Syrup for Children
tcethinE, Solteus the gums, reduces infamma-
tlonalIays pain, cures wind coitc, 25c bottle.Aav
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
Post Graduates

Did you teach any young ladies how
to swim at the seashore?"
No. merely made them think that
I thought they thought I was teaching
them to swim
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
Hons and Sheen

II the farmer is looking for quick
returns in live stock and for a large
percentage on the money invested,
there are no animals on the farm
that will beat the SOW and the eve
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
Hunt

What cared she for her marriage vows
She found he had no rocks;
Shed sit around and knit her brows,
But she would darn no socks.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02

Nothing equals Deans Mentholated Cough
Drops for Bronchial weakness, sore chests,
and throat troubles-5c at all Druggists.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
Strategy.

We have a puppy in our fat,
Although the lease says nay.
We named him for the janitor,
So he is apt to stay.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
His Work.

First Employer-HoW long has Got
rox's boy worked in your Office?
Second Employer-About half an
hour He has been with US six months
r0W.-Judge.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
Melancholy Fate

I'd hate to be a little fly
That is, if I were not me;
And here's my dears, the reason why
Some one would surely swat me.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
Handling Horses.

Don't use the whip on horse that
SHES. Patience and kindness will do
better.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02

Don't stint the living IN order to
strew flowers on the graves of the
dead
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02

Berlin is planning a building with
so sound-proof rooms for the sole
use of music teachers and students.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02

Some men fail to meet their obli-
cations because they are headed the
other way.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
Foley Kidney Pills Relieve

active kidneys and painful bladder action.
in building up the true excreting kid
Try them.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02

A man with a crouch can find fault
where it doesn't exist
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02

It takes a pessimist to worry over
4 job lot Of possibilities that never
develop.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
More Room.

THE man went in the shoeman's shop,
His feet were long and wide;
'Phe shoe1nan said: ITO try them on
You'd better step outside"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02
Hoo Essential.

Dryness IS more essential than
warmth in the hog house.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1913-10-02

Sometimes q smart man gets paid
for not doiug things he might.