Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-01-05
At the End OF the Rainbow.
THE HOME PRACTITIONER.
by Walt Mason.
by Walt Mason.

"Of course it is right and proper for
a man TO marry woman remarked the
wild man of the woods, but if young
man had wisdom he would consult his ell
derby married friends before taking that
important step BY this method he would
learn of many of the pitfalls which beset
the path that he must wander in. Almost
any married man would give him infor-
nation and advice which would be price,
less. but the prospective bridegroom
doesn't care a red cent for the counsel
and admonition of those who have lived
and suffered. He is quite satisfied that
the damsel of his choice is faultless. and
that his married life will be one round of
pleasure and experience alone can open
his eyes.
81 sometimes think that my friends
should have cautioned me when they
learned that I had resolved upon matri-
mony. 1 had many friends among the
sages and graybeards. Why didn't they
lift up their voices and entreat me to
come out of my trance? The answer is
easy. my friend. They knew that moth
ing they could say would turn me from
MY fell purpose. Doubtless they wept in
secret when they saw my infatuatiOn.
but they could do nothing for me- When
| it comes to matrimony every man must
dree his own weird. whatever that is.
ct married an Incompatible woman
She had a hundred charms and sraces
and was in every way credit to her
sex, but she had the feminine weakness
for fads. She was always enthusiastic
over some new idea; first one thing and
then another. She had a superstitious
belief that everything she saw in print
must be true, and she had deathless
faith in recipe books My trouble began
| when she became possessed of large.
swarthy volume containing millions of
priceless household recipes. She was al
ways finding something in that book that
caused me unspeakable suffering and hu-
initiation.
For instance. she read i'll lis pages
| that coal oil is one of the greatest cura-
| tive agencies in the world. Applied eX-
/ ternally or internally. it will cure almost
any old disease infesting the human form.
With a can of kerosene in the house 1t is
| idle folly to summon physician when
| there Is sickness She took all this flap
doodle seriously, and read in that intoler-
| able book that colds. pneumonia, chill
| bains and forty other diseases were
caused by sitting and for months together
she made my life a burden. If | spraned
| my ankle she saturated 1t with coal OIL if
my hair was falling out she rubbed coal
oil into my scalp. and one night she did it
close to a gas Jet. with the result that
my dome of thought caught fire and I
had to jump into the cistern to extinguish
the confiagration. If i caught cold l had
| to take tablespoonful of coal oil.
/ "She was always looking for excuses to
dope me with coal oil. and she seemed to
think that i'll treated her if l hadn't one
| ailment or another. After two or three
months of this treatment / felt like a
/ torchlight procession and smelled like a
petroleum warehouse, and l was always
/ afraid that I'd perish of spontaneous COM
bustion. Coal oil is a useful product, and
no home is complete without a can be-
i hind the kitchen door. but wife should
pour it into the lamp and not into her
husband.
why didn't rebel. you ask? Such an
| inquiry shows thai you have never been
married. A man desires peace in his own
home more than anything else-swect
balmy, white-wiged peace. I'm order to
get 1t he Is willing to put up with grea.
deal I might have rebelled against coal
oil and then my wife would have taken
up cod-liver oil something equally dis
| agreeable.
Her next fad was fresh air. She read
that people who wished to be healthy and
wealthy and wise should have an abun-
dance of fresh air at all times and sea
sons. OF course 1t was in the winter wher
she ran across this information. and from
that day forth our home was open as
a cattle pen at the stockyardS. All the
windows and doors We're kept wide open
and We had fresh air to give to the poor.
II remember how the snow and the
sleet used to drift in on me when j was
reading the paper of an evening. Otter
at night the wind would blow the bed
clothes off me. and I was sight 20 be
seen when i got up in the morning. Gov
cred with boar frost. | had icicles on my
i teeth in those days
''Then my wife read i'm that unspeak
able book that cooked victuals carried off
tens of thousands to untimely graves
every year, The only thing fit to eat wa:
raw vegetables. So she began feeding me
cabbage and turnips on the half shell ant
I concluded that IL | had to live like /;
COW I'd have a cows favOrite surround.
ings. and l fled to the forest primeval"