New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1913-09-03
AS | WAS SAYING


"brite and fare as NJ. Chaoas Wouio say-aiu
things happening.
Oh iolIv things, Good Herr Schufedt hobs up
again with his plan to abolish clothing by law;
headline shouts, Goodness Of Poles Chagrins EN-
peror." as if it had not already chagrined our ex-
plorers; the girls have come out against handsome
men, and there is news from the duel
hairliftng encounter, that duel-though the
press always eager TO hush up sensation mas
contented itself with the following account:
The parties discharged their pistols without ef-
feet whereupon one Of the seconds interveDed and
suggested that the combatants shake hands TO
this the other second objected as unnecessary
Their hands said he, have been shaking for half
an hour"
Utterly false and misleading! Truth Is the Sec
onds on both sides had chaperoned pusiiists' SO
urged the pair to begin by shaking hands. Result
They are shaking hands still, fnd cannot be stopped
Indeed so scandalous is the scene that many are
inquiring who the combatants are. AS for the chih
whiskered old party with the star spangled swallow
tail and the barber pole trouserings the evidence
points to a retired champion named Lanky Sam.
The other? Rumors differ. We hear of a comical
little upstart with kimono chrysanthemum and
a paper paraso; also OF pocketful OF hot tamaes
and a smell like garlic.
Puzzing-yes, yes.-but what do we carer lsh
II ferocous enough, either way?
on the essential point, however, we itch with
anxiety Tell us brethren--why is this revolving
spectacle dragging along without one single soulful
whoop from our adored Vice-President?
And speaking Of these bloody wars, We hear that
an antiquarian has been down among the DUKE OF
Wellington's deep sayings and came sputterlns TO
the surface with this pearl Of great price:
The best troops would be as follows An Irish
man half sober. a Scotchman half stewed ana an
Englishman with his stomach fun
So? Well partly. We have sampled Enghsh
cooking and found it positively infuratng.
In England this is one Of those things every
woman knows" When the great crisis arrives does
Lady Guinevere wait till Sir Lionel has had his din
ner before putting the question? Not she' Instead
she SEXES upon the moment when he Is hungriest
then beeds him for a hat.
Not deferred by Brother Martins prayers and
tears Brother Ford keeps right on building MS
seventy million dollar house. Money to burn mas
Brother F.-rnade It in motors. number or which
are now at large and promise to become popular
AS a sport, motoring certainly has its advantages
Take Uncle Silenus lie would crumple bicycle
sink a canoe crush a horse. or take Cousin Spin
dleshanks weighs in a hundred and three with
his overshoes on and gets all in perspration rid
ing rockingham. The only othor sport for Cousin
S. would be baoonng, and how would he get down
But lust YOU put either Of these braves aboard an
auto Merely by tickling a little lever with one
fnger-wh-r-r-r-r! road merchants Titans could
do no more.
These be doleful days for Titans. Gramp Harri-
son has come down on them like falling stock mar
ket and they are quoted lower every minute. For
it takes training TO make yourself Titan and walk
off with a solid silver shaving mug at the Olympic
games.
a sad mollycodde is Gramp though we trust ne
will outgrow it. as he has barely completed MS
ninety -oddth year. At present he has the British
idea of sport. Thinks it ought to be entoyable-a
kind of pleasant pastme-recreation. you might al
most say How wildly we recall the utterance of
young Lord Bashford. the crack tiddledywinker at
Nickenose! When thith getth to be work. I'll
chuck IT,"
No dear hearts We have not read The Book OF
EVELYN" but we have seen II reviewed. Inc story
lis OF realism. Evelyn returns to New York
from q desoate life Of foreign pensions and third
class railway carriages" She "endeavors to find
an abode which her rich and arstocratic friends
will approve" She describes herself in her lonely
state as awkward and sef-conscious. but the
reader feels tie attraction of gentle, sensitive and
lovable little woman"
We are horrid criminal. doubt, TO torment an
innocent reviewer and misrepresent pretty story
that never did us any harm in its life. Let our
villany be a warning to all who abuse the liberty OF
quotation. Honest. It is quite another Evelyn
Yet history shows that we sin in select company.
Surely you recall how the venerable DR.. Steeplemn-
ster found a text for his sermon womens hats.
Beloved" said he. 81 invite your attention to the
last four sylabes Of the Let him that is upon
the housetop not come down" r. l.. h.