Newark evening star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1909-1916, 1913-08-08
On the Spur Of
the Moment
THE DIARY OF A BoNEHEAD
BY ROY MoULToN.

THE DIARY OF A BONEHEAD
While the guardian angel of our
household was taking a vacation on
high Olympus and leaving us to our
own resources one day, my wife be-
gan making canoe pillows. After she
had made eighteen canoe pillows o.
various patterns. 1t suddenly occurred
to her that we had no canoe.
1 have never had any particular re-
spect for any man who held dyna-
mite cracker in his teeth or who went
out in a canoe and an ambition to
own one of the birch-bark contrap-
lions which can dance the Tango on
a perfectly quiet body of water had
never come to me. Having the pill
lows all made, my wife insisted on
the canoe and / went to one of our
leading canoeists and bought one.
picked out a docile looking canoe,
one that looked as though it could be
driven with perfect safety by women
and children and would eat out of tire
hand. 1t was one of the gentlest
looking canoes L had ever seen, but
canoe is like mule. One must never
go on appearance. I once knew
ever seen on a mule but 1t could kick
a hired man through the side of a
barn quicker than an Alabama Con-
gresham can vote against a pension
bill.
That canoe developed more artistic
Temperament to the square inch when
l got out into the water than any OF
Oscar Hammerstein's prima donnas
ever had in her whole frame.
That canoe actually smiled at me
and almost rubbed against me and
purred while I was showing it into the
water, but once upon the bosom Of
| the placid lake with me astride of its
wishbone with n paddle in my hand,
| IL did more tricks than a monkey can
! do with a cocoanut.
| | had padded seven strokes toward
the lighthouse when the canoe took
| the bit in her teeth and turned
around and made back for the shore.
| When we arrived at the shore, from
which he had ony recently started.
1 got on the beach and turned the
canoe around, kindly but firmly, and
started to paddle again, In the direc-
| ton of the lighthouse. l had just
| taken the fifteenth stroke when
| something happened which | viii
never be able to explain. Without
q sign of warning, the canoe turned
| bottom up with me unuernedlH.
! Then began a Gotch- Hackenschmidt
bout for the supremacy of the sea.
| / was on top half the time and the
canoe was on top the other half.
First | got a half-Nelson on the
canoe and then a hammerlock and
finally | tried a toe hold, but l
| couldn't keep that canoe under me
more than half second at time.
/ tried to think of all the wrestling
| tricks had learned in the high school
gymnasium twenty years before, but
the canoe knew more tricks than |
| did and better ones / tried to grab
It around the neck and strangle 1t.
/ got my knee in it's chest and tried
to crush its ribs. The canoe slipped
out of five toe holds in three minutes.
coaxed and l coaXed and | threat
ened, but the canoe would not be
bribed, cajoled or inundated. II
threw me three times every / threw
1t once, and meantime we were drift
ing out far past the life lines.
At last after the canoe had pinned
me down on my back for whai
seemed like fifteen minutes. {
schoolboy came along in a rowboa'
and pried 1t off from my almost life.
less form and took me ashore.
That was yesterday. Today the
life insurance company Cancelled my
policy. Tonight a trusty henchmar
is going to seek out the canoe ano
for $40 in cash reduce it to ashes
The pillows will go in the church box
for the heather of Madagascar.