The Washington herald., 1913-11-30

When meet a man who thinks a
heap Of himself / never censure nlm-
II he didn't do it no one else would,
and he'd be a mighty discouraged man.
I fully agree that women could be
more economical and more modest IN
the matter of dress, but you see they
are women.
What is music to my neighbor may
be misery TO me, but he never COM
plains of the direction Of the wind
when I empty my ashes over the line
fence It's my ears versus his eyes,
and that's fair enough.
When my wife said we must have a
score of chickens l went and bought
twenty roosters. She was for complain
ing about it, but 1 showed her that
We could keep chickens and have no
bother about gathering eggs at the
same time.
The reason I always count my change
after a merchant is not that ! think he
has cheated me, but because II keeps
him in hopes that the time may come
when he can safely do it.
1t was a plain case, when was on a
and had stolen a pig. voted to acquit
him, not that had the slightest doubt
of his guilt, but that he might go and
steal a hog and get twice the sentence
1 had a sick horse and a veterinary
surgeon was coming to dope him and
charge me SO for the same. 1 simply
left the paddock of the barn door and
next morning the horse was gone. 1t
saved him the dope. and It saved me
the ten, and il he died some one else
had to bury him.
The holdup man who demanded my
money or my life wouldn't believe me
when I told him that l was dead-broke,
and therefore proceeded to search me.
While he was busy at that i gave him
one on the Jaw, and as he slept l took
sl9 from his inside pocket. / always be-
lieve the coal man when he tells me
that 1,s0O pounds make ton.
When ! invite a tramp to q sit-down
dinner I don't begin by talking about the
high cost OF living. l used to do 1t, but
1 learned that it was sure to give him
a double appetite, on the grounds that 1t
might be his last meal
was reading in paper the other day
that remorse had driven a man In CleVe-
land to return a pair OF boots he had
stolen. The .item didn't say so, but We
all know that he had worn the boots
until they needed half soles and lifts on
the heels.
I was told the other day that could
be elected county treasurer as well as
not II I would accept a nomination I
refused It point blank. do not care to
go either to Canada or Mexico. and would
have been obliged to appeal to broker
to help me get rid of my stealings-
Mr.. Jones woke UP the other morning
with a boil on his neck and he spent the
best part of an hour seeking to convince
me that II was a total surprise TO him.
II he had only expected II, how much
breath 1t would have saved him!
For twenty years I had heard a certain
man spoken OF as a genius, and for
twenty years / had wondered in what d.
rection his genius lay. Then I traded
horses with him and found out. The
animal got of him fell over dead while
was leading him home. Why wonder
for twenty years when one can trade
horses in half an hour?
I have heard a fellow-man who had
been beaten out of a dime declare that 1t
was not the dime he cared for, but the
principle of the thing. Upon the dime
being restored. he very promptly forgot
about the principle-till next time.
Where I made a great mistake one
night was in arguing with a burglar
whom found in the house. He not only
convinced me that all property should be
held in common, but walked OF with my
share OF the plunder as well as his own.
Most every man Is ready to declare
that this or that is somehow coming to
him, and he never finds any fault until
he gets what Providence really intended
for him from the first-three months in
jail. That, he argues, was intended for
some one else.
There is a cheaper way Of an old man
making a fool OF himself than buying
stock in a silver mine and expecting
to get dividends on IL. For a dollar he
can dye his hair and whiskers and lie
thirty years of his age.
where is the roast beef you were
and IL was finally agreed that Scott