The Bridgeport evening farmer., 1913-12-30
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
New Haven, Dec. 30

New Haven, Dec. 30- Editor, The Farmer:
 The unprecedented number Of bur glaries that have been committed throughout New England in general and New Haven in particular. has aroused intense alarm among resi- dents here, and various precautions have failed to arrest che robbers. The house breaking has usually been sue cessfuIly accomplished upon unoccu- pied homes, or residences from which the inmates have been absent a few hours of an evening.
 The writer has discovered a. method to protect g, home Ca device that is aD- solutely burg1ar-proof( and herein gives this information freely, so that s sBridgeporters can employ the same system and go out of an evening with out worrying about diamonds, solid silver, government ponds and stocks home.
 Having occasion to close the house for a three weeks absence, and in fear that burglars might baff1e the police and gain an entrance, a. con sultation with pr. F'u-Manchu was decided upon which proved eninehtly satisfactory.
 The essentials as prescribed by this | insfdious genius were placed and this revo1utionized science of the heather Chine, which kills the burglar, was adopted.
 Around inside each window on the first floor were placed needles dipped in venom of a, cobra which, upon pricking a burglar, produce Burma plague spots on his skin and drive him to utter hideous how1s and shriu laughter sufficient to arouse the neigh | bors. If the burglar successfully passes the first treatment, he next. a1ights upon strips of sand paper fastened up on the window sill. The strips of sand paper are saturated with bacilH of unclassifed diseases from the lab oratory of pr. Fu-NGanchu which pro duce instant insanity and make the burglar a babbling idiot
 Escaping these two barriers, if the burglar attempts to turn on the gas (the meter having been previously dis connected and a tank of chlorine at tached to the pipes) a green poisonous mist escapes from the burners and the fumes give the burglar hashish Authorizations and deluSionS and he dies a, horrible death.
 Should the burglar select a rear door through which to break in, he would be met by gigantic centipedes of a vivid venomous red color with long quivering tails, a puncture from which produces a fearful mental d1s- ease blindness and death, all on the back stoop If the burglar attempts the cellar door, he steps on contagious fungus-ripe spores of giant empuea, a, species of toad stool which explooes and ernits a brownish misty cloud which kills the victim in two seconds.
 SIpposing the burglar to evade all this scientific protection, then when he swings open the pantry door, a silk cord attached to 9. primer on the vent of a howitzer charged with gun powder and loaded to the muzzle with Tz-i11 he iE- charged and he will receive inl the face an omelet that would skin pole cat a mile and besides if the burglar was impervious to smell, the deadly ants fnt the pantry would make him a cripple in four minutes If the bur g1ar opens the sideboard to look for silver spoons or cocktails, a string will uncork thermoS bottle and let out a cloud of opium fumes which bring on delightful de1usions and make him a 11om1cidal maniac.
 If the burglar opens a bureau draw he will be attacked by enormous spi- ders alive with microbes of a 1oath- some disease or, if he attack a, chif- fonier, scorpions will sting him into oblivion.
 Before closing the home all these scientific preparations were submit ted to a police officer for inspection
 That official remarked: You have taken more precaution than most 'peo- pie but still there is one weak point, | i. e., the front door. The key work l CTS will enter there."
 Then the. electrically equipped DOT tai was pointed out as 8 scientific trf- l urnph. A concealed trip was placed | on the inside of the door to connect | a wire with a battery in the cellar l which sets loose 11,OOO A. c. volts at | the rate of 1000 ki1o-watts per hour | and set off sky rockets, aerial bombs and Roman candles on the roof. The fireworks were to notify the police | (same as the red light system) that 1 burglars had gained an entrance, and the cops in Dutch helmets could safely 1 enter and drag out the dead.
 It was gratifying upon return, to find that these precautions had been | adequate to prevent burglars from en- tering and that pr. F-u-Manchu's sys- tenn was burglar proof. The place 1 remained, invio1ate. Had a burglar penetrated the barriers, then this story would have been a tragedy in stead of a comedy.
 J. H. S.