The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-01-19

nicus Jones, the we'll known near-phiios-
iopher, as to his views on 1.-The Clubwoman
as a Homemaker" Like many of us
who are prone to discuss things we know
not, Copernicus eagerly discoursed on the
subject and having neither home nor wife,
felt qualified by established precedent to
pass final judgment on the proposition.
At the suggestion of friend Copernicus
reduced his sage opinions to writing and
had the audicity to suggest his paper
be read at recent meeting of a we'll
known womans club, which was done.
After the reading of the paper. how
ever, sundry and various caustic remarks
made by those on whom the paper was
inflicted came to the ears of Copernicus
and later in the day he was heard making
diligent and earnest inquiries as 10 the
exact time the fast freight passed through
| Birmingham going south, and he has not
been seen since. He left his manuscript
behind, however. which is hereby repro
duced just as it was read before the
! club
| Before entering into the merits of the
| case as the lawyer would say when he
| seeks by demurrer to have a case thrown
out of court on technecalities, 1t might
be well TO trace If possible the origin
of the clubwoman, whence she came and
| why. To trace the origin of the club
| man were far easier, for in the begin
| ming or rather in the book OF Genesis we
| learn that Cain was the first clubman,
| for it was with a club he slew mis-
brother. Cain also held spades for he was
a tiller of the soil. As we know that
Abel held hearts might ii not be inferred
- L. IoIl Ic ole ptft a ifaa
that memorable incident the deal has
changed for diansonds are generally found
with the clubs, and hearts with spades,
for in the fiat laid down in the beginning
that man must earn his living by the
sweat of his brow is found the true
source of all human happeniness. or
course If a fellow holds four hearts and
draws spade-but that's another mat
ter.
But as Gilbert might say, this has moth
ing to do with the case, so We Will take
up the origin of the clubwoman. have
made deligent inquiry as to this PROPOSE
ton, but must confess my efforts thus
far have met with failure, so have come
to the conclusion she ''just happened,
like Topsy of Uncle Toms Cabin fame.
This brings us to the original proposition,
the clubwoman as a homemaker.
/ suppose every husband is more or
less proud of 'high- brow wife, that
is, IL he Is proud of his wife at all, but
after she gets to serving Browning for
breakfast instead of bacon and biscuits.
or Tennyson in lieu of toast and coffee
he begins to have his doubts as to the
high-brow qualities aforesaid and begins
to yearn for the happy days of yore when
she stayed at home and anticipated his
wants and his wishes In return for which
he cheerfully toiled and labored.
| am sure a true husband feels grati-
ffnI x.hAf hA dc in ma
his wife has been elected president OF
the "Gillywog" club, and that at the
next meeting she is to read paper on
the minor Poets of the Sixteenth Cen
tury." But a few weeks later when he
has reached the stage that the point or
connection between his suspenders and
the waist band of his trousers is a ten
penny nail. one button the sole depend
ence of his shirt, a saw edge on his col
lar, and two holes in each sock, his
Views on the cubwoman materially
change and he wishes the "Gillywog'
club and all the minor or major poets
of all past ages in general, and those OF
the Sixteenth century in particular at tho
bottom of the deep blue sea.
Then again you can't blame a man for
throwing out his chest and putting on
airs when he learns that his wife has
been selected to lead the debate before
the "Never-at-Home" club as to whether
Shapespeare did. or did not write that
immortal classic Casey at the Bat. J"
and cheerfully puts up with cold victuais
i'm order to give his wife the time to
look up the proper authorities on the sub
ject. He even goes SO far as to oner
to help her in her researches only to be
told that while he may know how to sell
real estate, or to make pig iron, such
subject as Shakespeare is beyond MS IN
tellectual capacity, and even though
| lch had n 40 ad n
knowledge of his wife actually incre 'ses.
But when he returns home from his daily
toll. whether at the mart, Market or
work shop and finds his wife absent, the
kids crying, the stove cold and the baby
with the collie, he looks at the motto that
hangs over the hearthstone of every well
regulated family, What is Home With
out a Mother" and as he glances around
his neglected home he says Ii is-what
Sehrman said war was, and entertains
grudge against Shakespeare ever after.
Again when he is informed that his
wife is to make talk before the young
Matrons'" club on home cooking, inn
meoiatelv he gets on the nerves of all
his acquaintances by continually enlarging
on the excellence of his wifes cuisine and
the daintiness of the dishes she prepares
But on his return to the family domicie
tired out with the duties incident 10 pro-
v:ding the necessary bread and cheese and
porterhouse steaks for his family. and
possibly harassed in his mind from hav-
ing a labored conversation with an un-
feeling bank cashier who won't renew, or
from checking over stock OF unsold
goods and the season about ended, or
from the heat and hazard of the steel
mill he gets a Jolt under the belt when
he finds q note from his wife stating
she viii not be home until late, but that
he will find a can of sardines in the safe,
TO telephone the baker for loaf of
bread. and that the coffee is already made
and only needs warming up, he makes up
his mind there and then never 10 brag any
more about home cooking, and the next
time his wife goes TO the club he takes no
cl,auces. hut buys a hot ''wiennie" and a
glass of-milk before going home.
But the limit is reached when the club
woman insists on her long suffering hus-
band attending an Italian opera. Nine
times out of 10 she goes Tor no other
rec son than that members Of the club
are going to be present and she wants
to keep up with the procession. He prob
ahl1 understands as much about grand
ot,era as a speckled rooster does about a
n,otorcycle and cares still less; yet he
Is compelled to sit for several hours lis
ten:ng to a lot of fat men and women
soreech at the top of their voices in a
language--to use the expression of Bill
vines--that he .wots not and all the
time he is thinking of the hard earned
five bones the unfeeling ticket seller sepa-
rated him from, and thinking Vow he
could have enjoyed himself with his half
OF the five at little game OF penny
=