Connecticut western news., 1913-10-16
NEWTON NEwKIRK DECLINES

Famous Humorist Gives Reasons for
 Not Attending Bald Head Banquet.
 Newton Newkirk, the well.known hu- morist of the Boston Pest, ncknowledg- ing an invitation to attend the Bald Head banquet at the Canfield this eve- ming, writes full column in his humor department of the Post, and in charao- teristic style tells why he will not attend and what might happen if he should. For some purpose, to suit his humorous fancy, he affects to read his invitation as giving the date of the banquet October list. Extracts from his article follow. My Dear John-Owing to oiroum- stances over which l have no control, the above invitation for October list, did not reach me until October 2d. Now, John, it must be apparent even to person who only occasionally shows faint signs of human intelligence that cannot attend function, which has taken place Oct. 1. when the first infor- nation of the holding of such function does not reach me until October 2d.
 will reluctantly admit (with beoom- ing modesty, hopel that pretty spry and smart in keeping appointments, but when get an invite on Oct. 2, to attend party which has taken place on Got. l, you expect too much of me, that's all. hate to have anybody send me that kind of an invitation. If the next time l meet you on the street, John, you are cool and distant toward me. because was not present at your old Bald Head soiree, will consider you very un. reasonable and intractable.
 II Ir.s L1I1 Al name of the presumptuous party who told you that l am bald.headedg l have been trying for several years to get at the root of this persistent rumor.
 Now, if you will slip me the name of the party who informed you that the hirsute thatohing has all been gnawed from my mansard by the relentless tooth of time will take q coroner with me and pay him a violent visit.
 Please understand, John, that I don't blame you; you of course sent the invi- tation in good faith. And yet. perhaps, the fact that it came too late to tempt me to attend is just as we'll after all. At an impulsive moment the "eats" you speak of in the invitation might have tempted me and might have attended the banquet. If I had done SO, ask you as man to man, John, what would have happened? Just this:
 All the bald headed gentlemen present would at first have gaped aRhast at the luxuriant growth of hair on my head. In their secret hearts they would have said to themselves:
 Bless me, l never saw such beauti- ful head of hair on man in my hfel"
 And after that, John, you know how 1t would have been-their admiration would have turned to envy. then to jealousy and malice. They would havo criticised my luxuriant locks behind my back.
 More than likely, some old bald head- ed gazabo might have had the disoour- tesy to step up to me and ask if l were brother of the "Seven Sutherland Sisters" That would have been the end, John-I wouldn't have stood for that. would have started rough-neck riot right then and there at the table. The air would have been full of little neoks and soup and fish and cut glass and things. There would have been some faces remapped, beaks confused and eyebrows dislocated. Then after every body with whom l had done business had hollered enough" l would have clapped on any hat and started home, unscathed and angry.
 Yes, John, it is perhaps just as we'll I was not there. You cant mix bald heads and thick. thatohed gentlemen to- gether at bald headed party and get away with it.
 Just between you and me, John, I am the most inellgible.est .lndidate for e bald head club 700 ever saw.
 Yours for the military hair brushes.
 NEWTON NEwKIRK.