The Birmingham age-herald., 1913-09-07

'uc. L utJ may pitttIu lHfy Qun Due
fellows, don't you believe 'em a min
ute. They may let on that they had
rather sit still and let the gent wait on
EN-. but it's all bluff The good old
patriarchal stunt where the man sits
still and the female prances about and
waits on him is the proposition that
tickles normal woman literally to
death-thats the way 1t was in the
beginning. Look at Eve. She was so
powerful busy waiting on Adam that
she didn't have time to fix up no
clothes, but had to make a hobble skirt
out'en fig leaves, and I'll bet old Adam
thought she was a sight purifier with
out them leaves.
"The female Is a ministerfng angel
more or less, so when she gets to play
ing that part without let or hindrance
to a great big gent, she is just as hap
py as country boy with his first cir
Gus.
Yes. sir. the bed slat system is a
winner. Just hang around the court
house few and you'll find out that
whenever woman has her husband
Jugged for mani handling and lambast-
ing her, she invariably gets on the wit
ness stand and swears him out of IL
on the ground that they was just play
ing and in fun"
Voting in Beat 26
The sewing machine agent remarked /.
over in Beat 26 there Is an ardent
political ENHANCEMENT that beats this
here Sulzer foolishness over tine New
York governors job. Two fellows was
candidates for bailiff, office that pays
mighty nigh $50 dollars per annum
and involves a sight of risk in. and
about arresting them Hill Billies. There
amt more so votes in the beat--each
one of them so enjoying himself to
the limit quaffing whisky and pied dg'ng
himself, some buoyant, to both them
respective officials for the past three
weeks. The voting place is located III
easy reach of one of these recuper-
ating plats, where wildcat ambrosia
is manufactured. so that it was no diff
hcult Job for each voter to remain per-
manently In state of voylent exhil-
Grafton. On election day each candidate
received exactly SO votes--that being
the full voting strength of the pre-
cinct
The managers declared the election
dogfall about noon and so the voters
hauled off and tried it again. with the
same result--and again 1t was an
nounced as a draw. Then voters spit
on their hands and plunked 'em in for
the third time. resulting In the same
unanimous tie--each ohe of them drink
II
admirable impartiality.
After selling two or three of them
rednecks the best automatic shuttle
ball bearing, se1f-threading. self-right-
eous sewing machines in the world
imbibed several jolts of that torchlight
procession whisky and proceeded to un-
tie that election by voting myself, but
I'm nigger If the result wasn't 81
votes for both parties Somehow in an
unguarded moment 1 had put a bal
lot for each candidate When I am
thinking of the subject of next Sun
days lessons at the Sunday school [
am liable to them fits of alteration Of
mind. My piety Is one of them unhandy
incubusses that I can't get shet of"
"Bill Hubbard. one of the candidates
for bailiff. allows that this here mess
of an election reminds him of the old
story of the time the bull and the goat
run for the office of king among the
barnyard animals. When the name of
one of them critter candidates was put
in nomination the other animals was to
signify their choice by raising their
tails. They voted all day and the bul;
was declared the winner. but the judges
flung out the returns because they said
the goats had voted on both sides.