Newark evening star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1909-1916, 1913-09-20
On the Spur of
the Moment

BY ROY MoULToN.


THE DIARY OF A BoNEHEAD
AS a bit of gentle and refined
satire 7 gave my wife for Christmas
a cook book. Yesterday I came to
the hospital. where I am now doing
az well as can be expected. Several
months elapsed between those two
events, as you may have noticed, and
I nearly elapsed myself.
Young men, never give your wife
a cook book, even in a spirit of ner-
riment, for you will live to regret il,
or maybe you won't live. It all de-
Ponds upon the state Of your eonsti-
tuition.
We were having plain, old-fash-
Toned, homely fare when l thought OF
the plan to give my wife cook book.
l thought it would put her wise to the
fact that there were other things to
eat in this world besides corned beef
and cabbage and pork and beans. 1t
was just sort of a gentle bunch.
| Ny wife is not a dull woman.
even though she did marry me. She
tumbled to the hint as readily as
| though it were bargain sale in
shirtwaists and the day after
she got the cook book from me she
began to make things out Of 1t.
She forgot all about the old-fash-
/ Toned fare and began TO sit up nights
with the cook book in one hand and
an egg beaten in the other doping
out line Of polite and arfstocrafio
food for the next day.
We had cheese ramelxins. cream
puffs. souff1es and three or four DIFF
ferent kinds of Ia modes for break
fast. She was getting even. It was
easy to see that. She had me groggy
| in two weeks and IN four weeks
would have given 81 for q. good plate
of homemade pork and beans. /
never saw woman as devoted to q
subject as my wife was to that cook
book. It was her religion
She used I'D about S19 worth Of
fancy groceries every day. and when
/ objected she merely referred me to
the cook book I had given her.
With my digestive apparatus hitting
on only one cylinder ] went to see
my doctor. He said:
You came to me just in time. One
more week and a lot of people would
be looking at you and saying:
Doesn't he look naturaI?"
When I get home from the hospital
am going TO hire a burglar to break
in at night and steal that cook book
90
FROM THE HICKEYVILLE CLARION
Hank Tumms feels mighty high
toned since he went down to the city
to have his eyes examined. The spe-
cialist said Hank had compound
hyperoptic astigmatisn complicatel
with blepharitis cilliaris. They will
have a hard time keeping Hank out
of the smart set of polite society now
The Clarion announced last week
the engagement of Mr.. Elmer Jones,
the popular canvasser for the Handy
Household Companion, to Miss Amy
Pringle, our village milliner. Both
now wish to deny the allegation
which was brought to this Office by
a mutual friend of both, but we re-
fuse to retract. for the Clarion having
said they are engaged. they are en-
gagged. and the only proper thing for
them to do under the circumstances
is to get married. They ought to have
been married fourteen years ago, any
how.
Rev. Hudnutt. pastor of the Hard
Shell church, says the lathing and
plastering and paper hanging busi-
ness is so poor as a side line in this
ran's town that he may have TO ac-
cept call to a larger field.
Anne Hilliker, our popular and con-
genial groceryman, also ice cream,
shoe backing, lime, land plaster and
tSr roofing sale, reports to Constable
Ezra Hand that some parties worked
the continuation on his burglar-proof
dill Pickle barrel one Light this week
and got away with two or three
dozen. Local talent is suspected.
90
SIGNS OF THE TIMES
Mary used to be a puzzle,
No one could quite dope her outs
And she surely was a problem
With her smile and her pout.
But she's up-to-date, is Mary.
And to dress in style knows how;
She wears the new gauze clothing.
They can see through Mary now
Doubtless there are some who
would like to see a time clock in
stalled in the state department, so
that Secretary Bryan would have to
punch it morning and night
When it comes to choosing be-
tween water and grape juice. the
Southern colonies in Washington
compromise by drinking nothing at
all.
There may be some small children
alive now who win live to see Sir
Thomas Upton come across with
| Shamrock XVIII.
Kaiser Wilhelm says he saves
s., 900 a year by not drinking beer.
| Some thirst that the Kaiser used to
have. evidently.
Ambassador Wilson has not yet
suggested that the United States ac-
cept forty-eight-cent Mexican dollars
at 100 cents.
The United States army is short
1000 horses, and in the matter of
horses it is impossible to borrow
1 . L.