New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1913-08-09
AS | WAS SAYING

Slothful, because American, we welcome MI
George Westinghouses new speedometer for loco
motives. Whenever an engineer goes In FOR haste
the speedometer will tell on him.
You approve, of course but you do not know it.
You hustle" You hop up before your train pulls
in You bounce to the door. You leap from your
car while it is still moving. You dash headlong
through the station.
True, but then what?
At No til street behold window filled with
bow-wows, booded tomcats, dyed sparroWs and
japanese Waiting mice. Before the window
crowd See them loiter, so carefree so needless Of
time and the hour. Who are they? The same who
rushed breathless from their train
No. brethren It is not the hustle nerve that makes
us so anxious to leave American railway train
We deceive ourselves. II is fear.
"I think" declares dear lady in the Sewing
Circle. that the average man is superior TO woman
in beauty as well as in brains and the ability to re-
sist temptation" This is doubtless true Of the av-
erage man, but where can he be found?
Foreign news Two tenors in boat. And 1t
strikes the correspondent remarkable that only
one reached shore
Write PLAYS. According 10 Mr.. Arnold Bennett II
is the easiest Of sportsqulcker than novel writing.
Really interesting. this yarn from Ecuador
says our dentist adjusting the hydrant and pegging
down the rubber blanket The professor finds
skulls with gold teeth" Here the electric bulb goes
into our mouth. and kit Of tools and a handgass
But let me tell you about the Zuni Indians.
They
At this point comes his assistant, thrusts her
hands down our throat. along with his. and manipu-
lates the pile driver while he continues--'have
INIT has fl.
toothache he ties one end Of leather thong to the
tooth and the other end a rock. and sits down on
a log with the rock in his hand"
But. quite unlutentonally. we have bitten the as
sstant We apologize In rubber dam dialect The
dentist resumes. When the Zuni can stand It no
longer he throws the rock"
Whew, such a tussle Il has been. scribbing this
all out whereas a dramatst would have jotted down
the chatter added the signal. Business Of den
tlstry." and lef, the rest to the actors.
In convention assembled. the Amalgamated
Brotherhood OF Concatena,ed Hoboes have come out
strong for hammocks under Pullmans. Shocking!
We shall oppose this with all the fury OF our nature
We suffer sufficiently In Pullmans without enduring
the pangs OF envy
Robin and Richard are two merry babes, but they
should not have fed stones to the ducks In the park
We unite agree with the reformer who inteTfered.
Ducks loaded with stones get corns, blisters, cal
lous spots and broken arches"
Reasoning from great things to small. we arrive
AT the theme OF the hour Trots tangoes and the
like are not for the fat They ruin the feet. Res
buttons 10 this effect passed only the other
day by the Congress of Master Ghropodists and the
Sosts are still more Mortified. Not one fat man in
a thousand can now have his fortune told with any
accuracy by the lines on the soles Of his feet They
have been practically oblIterated
Superficial minds will perhaps be a trife startled
by these revelations yet how far from unexpected!
What WAS IL that eliminated the hundred-tOn vet
Grams from the chorus? 4 revolution in taste? An
awakening on theatregoers' part to the glories OF
the human form divine? Why brethren. theatre
eoers abhor the human form They weep for the
vanished hundred ton veteran. ALI they sigh.
with sentiment born Of fond memories "A fine
specimen Of n woman" If they tolerate youth and
grace It is because they have to.
Ragtime not taste forced the change. Alas for
the hundred ton veteran Frlsky music brought
frisky dances and ruined her feet there she sits
at her window, knitting. knitting. and hoping you
will drop in to discuss old times
Beware, She charges 30 cents foot for fortunes.
And considering the illegible condition Of your poor
tired aching extremties doubt II YOU can pin
your faith TO them without a squirm. r. L. H.