The Washington herald., 1913-12-28

Ny Dear Friends: It Is scarcely TWO
hours since walking over the ties OF
the D. & H. road from Catnip Corners
1 arrived in your little metropolis of
Slippery Elm Hill. and yet have seen
enough OF your nine houses and one
blacksmith shop to be able to predict
that the day will come when you, as
a city, will have an incompetent mayor,
corrupt aldermen, and a police force
of crooks to point with pride. (Cheers
from a tow-headed boy on a 'front.'
bench.)
You may not have any great men
among you today. None of you have
written a book, composed song, or
come to the front on woman's rights,
but that is not your fault. You have
not known how to begin to be great
(Grunts from the back seats).
II there is any one here that has
ever heard Of Columbus let him raise
his right hand.
tNo hands.)
1t is just as well. He was the man
who discovered America, but II you
have forgotten the fact amidst all the
excitements of the last 400 years no
one is going to blame you. Even one
Presidential election may cause thou
sands to forget the name of their
grandmother. Cheers for ROOSEVELT
Columbus was not born Of a great
father. Up to the age of thirty, as
near as ] have been able to gather
the facts, he was q very common plug
of a man. He hadn't even taken the
prize at spelling school, and he had
not been sharp enough to sell a farm
er a gold brick. II was Hello. Christ
when any of the boys met him. and he
stood on the corners with his hands
in his pockets and had no ambition
beyond the free lunch counter. ('Bully
for Chris!' from a back bench.)
Columbus was Just sloshing around
and being a plug Of a fellow when an
uncle coaxed him out homo into the
country. Three months made a mar
velous change in him. Why?
Gle was kicked by a cow?')
C''He hunted a humble bees nest!")
("He broke his back loading hayP)
No, my friends. nothing of that kind
happened to him. What was IL? He sim
ply drank buttermilk ana in drinking IL
he made a great discovery-one that has
rcvolutionized the world and its men and
women He drank buttermilk- He drank
II by the pint-by the quart-by the gal
Ion. He drank 1t morning, noon, and
night, and before going to bed. He got
up in the night to drink it
1t finally took the churnings of four
cows 10 Supply SnTl6IOpncT Win III.
buttermilk. His uncle cried out that he
was making a hog Of himself and that
he could see bristles sprouting on his
hack. but the young man knew his gal;
and he kept right on Cheers for Co
lumbus)
And what did it do for him? II there
had been a baseball nine in the country
/ at the time he would have been cap
| tain of it II there had been a poker
club he would have held as good as full.
| houses every hand. (Cheers from the old
| blacksmith, who was once gay sport)
That buttermiIk aroused his ambition
ard he itched to do things
He had been content to follow; now he
wanted to lead.
He mad gone around with old ideas ir
| his head: now he found new ones every
day. CWhoops)
He had never thirsted to do anything
| to make the name OF Columbus great
! In fact, he had never been before tn
| police court or been charged with {
| hunco game. Just plugged right along
being a plug. CSighs from a fat woman
| But the buttermilk acted like hot watel
on a dog. He saw things from a differen
standpoint. He got so uneasy that hi!
| uncle thought he needed salve to curt
It. 1t wasn't physical, however. bu
mental After thinking thoughts for {
time the nephew said to the uncle:
uncle Rube, is Spain all the world?'
There are a few back counties out oi
\ il, but they can't grow grapes mol
onions Why do you ask?'
There's a big ocean to the west Of US
amt there?'
Yes, a whopping big one"
What is there on the other side o.
it?
There amt no other side. It's JUS
water as far as you could CO."
| I've been thinking there might be lan(
there somewhere"
well, young man, don't get any sucl
fool notions into your head I've hearC
of men that have sailed more'n a hun
dred miles to the west, and there was NJ
| land to be seen"
But they ought to have sailed thou
sand miles"
Yes; and a horse ought to have beer
| a cow"
There were others, my friends, whit
discouraged the young man. but it wa!
only for a time. He had buttermilk be
hind him. He didn't skip a drink. I
kept him braced up and full of sand
| Cheers for buttermflk).
Christopher finally brought his Uncl,
Rube over to mis- way of thinking, anC
later on others, and he finally borrowed
the money and set out to lay his idea.
before the king and queen. He was yer!
coldly received. The royal pair were al
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