The weekly times-record. (Valley City, N.D.) 1912-1922, 1913-11-27
sic Cologniz;iing
Of Kansas
By REX BEACH
G opyriSht by Rex Beach
CONTINUED from Last lssue.)
"wen after the music the Mexiktn

Desperate 1.ves eAhlCillOhs u lrOW-
ing the bowie and pistol practice, aft
CT which we have more music, and
Mikes does marvellous, mystifying
feats Of sleight Of hand too battling
for the mind and too rapid for the
eye Then we have some buck and
winging by the African team after
which Mike addresses the pacified and
radiant hay diggers as follows:
No doubt, ladies and gents, you
have been delighted by our educa.
tional entertainment, but to give feet.
ing pleasure amt our only mission.
We have-~a, higher motive. 1t Is a
blessed privilege to make the arduous
path more pleasant, and we are here
to conduce tc them scenic effects by
abaung the nuisances Of life. One
man may like music and his neigh
Dor prefer the screech Of sled run
ner on bare ground This one may
have a sweet tooth. while his friends
Is boiler and the nerve exposed; but,
dear friends, all the world loves q
sweet smell.
ave admire the jassamine and
would fain preserve the fragrance Of
the rose. Let us have done with the
sordid scents of the stables and i'm
ported cheese and tickle our tonsils
with the breath Of forest flowers.
That. ladies and gents. is our sacred
Grant amongst you. We are the dis,
tributing agents of the Kansas Co.
logne company. unlimited. Remember.
we have nothing to sell: we only ad-
vertise the ,perfumery so that you can
buy direct from your local druggists.
We simply charge nominal price to
cover the cost of the bottles and the
hand painted labels, giving you the
contents as free as this program,
which amt yet over.
"ATo conclude this evenings enter
tainment I propose to spar three
rounds with Senior Carramba, demon
strating in refined and gentlemanly
manner the blows with which / won
the title of middleweight champeen of
the world. This is not a brutal exhibi
ton, but a clean and scientific lesson
in that greatest domestic accomplish
ment, the "man and womanly art of
self defense" It is Endorsed by the
leading society ladies Of the great cit
les and has received the highest en-
comiums from prominent divines.
While we are changing costume the
four Moorish gentlemen will pass
amongst you with free samples of the
cologne. After You have smelled 1t
they will offer for sale the few re-
naming bottles. Remember, four
ounces for the ridiculous sum Of so
cents, hardly enough to cover the cost
Of the hand painted labels. Only those
parties retaining bottles will be al
lowed to remain during the pugilistic
symposium
swell, sir, you never saw the likes.
You'd a. thought their sense Of smell
had laid out in the wet and got rusty.
They couldn't get enough Of it; four
ounces for four Distributions cheap,
too, when you consider that 1t stood us
So an ounce in Topeka-that is, the
real stuff that the coons carried around
did, but of course the four ounce bot
ties wasn't quite SO precious, being as
we filed them with filtered water and
soaked the corks in real cologne dur
ing the afternoons when we wasn't
busy. Yes, sir, they sure did like the
smell of them corked up water bottles,
and we was doing we'll.
"'Quick sales and small profits Is
our MOTTO says Mike. We make 40
cents q battle, which is small enough,
and we sail out Of place as quick
as possible. All it takes to run the
biz is a barrel Of spring water and a
little eight dollar cologne to smell up
the corks with. It's secret process.
I'VE used to drink Kansas cologne
with our meals, 1t was that harmless,
and guess we disposed Of several
thousand Of the few remaining bot
Ties Nobody ever left the show be-
fore the fight, and they took home
cologne to gladden. the dull hours after
our departure. Every night Mike is-
sued challenge to meet and box all
corners, but of course nobody ever
took him up, except oncet. We had
drifted through Kansas like a hint OF
sweet spring, disseminating music,
magic and pseudonymous filtered
drinking water till we had colognized
the whole state like Bill Penn back
east, when one day we landed In a
little place called Fowler. It seemed
like noticed a good many familiar
faces in the audience that night, and
l remarked about it to Mike.
"It looks like some Of our former
customers has drove over from the last
village. I wonder do they like the
show or have they become so addicted
to the cologne that they want more?
"Our entertainment went of bully
that night, every line scream and
the house as warm as an August camp
meeting. Moreover, everybody clinch-
ed with them four ounce bottles eyre
gious, so they could stay and see the
fight. Me and Mike does our Gus
tomary stunts; then he steps to the
front Of the stage and issues his chal-