The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1913-09-10
The Diary of a Bonehead.

The Diary OF n BOncneaQ.
1t has always been a wonder to me-
that some kind angel does not come
along and hit a man in the head with
an axe before he does some certain
things, thus saving him a lot of SUI
fering afterward.
I declined the honor with great
finality when the committee came and
asked me to be POSTMASTER at the
church banquet, but committees have
a way about them that can hardly be
denied. The members told me collec-
lively and individually, that was the
only man in the entire city who could
do the job all up lin pink. baby ribbon
and deliver the goods. They said more
nice things about me, right to my face,
than a congressman can say loout
himself in the Congressional Directory.
They spoke of my appearance, my
shape and my pleasant yet forceful
voice. Ten minutes before, I had not
had any idea of becoming a toast
master than 1 had of driving a team of
goats through the main business
thoroughfare of Bagdad on moonlight
night with my hair in a braid and a
pink parasol over my head, but fell.
Adam did, and Adam was one of my
ancestors.
During the ten days which were sup
posed to elapse between that time and
the banquet, 1 had no desire for food
of any kind and 1 became morose and
melancholy. couldn't sleep more than
two hours of night and I lost weight
so fast that my physician shook his
head and advised a sanitarium where
the rates are IS day and upward. I
had plain case of buck fever and
longed to disappear and go to some
foreign country and resume business
under an assumed name. I was in a
blue funk and 1 wrote that speech over
nine times. When 1 read it to my wife
the last time, she said it sounded worse
than when I had read 1t to her the first
time. She said it was about as humor-
GUS as Marc Anthony's funeral ora
ton over the body of Caesar. She adj
vised me to copy one out of a book, and
did. sitting up all night three nights
for that purpose. got so I could rattle
it off with about as much feeling as
a waitress orders roast beef and
brown gravy or roast pork and apple
sauce in a. country hotel
I found myself repeating snatches
of that speech at all hours of the day.
I tried it on every one in our Office
building and the only one 1 got laugh
from was the janitors wife, and
she laughed because I looked so funny
when I was delivering the piece.
The morning of the banquet dawned
and found me with Enclosed eyes 1T
was this morning to be exact. had
grated between chills and burning
levers Oil anu htIHooS Sy Sle'ii
was as much of wreck as railroad
that has been juggled on the stock
market for nineteen years
I crawled to my office this morning
in a state of utter collapse. I had not
been so i'll in twenty years.
When the committee burst in upon
me at ten o'clock I was ready to call
the ambulance and deliver myself
over to the authorities at the insane
hospital.
I'VE are very sorry" said the corr
mittee, but the banquet has been
postponed Indefinitely. The advance
sale of tickets was so small that we
have abandoned the scheme entirely.
Some other time. perhaps, but not
now"
Rugged those three men. 1 jabber-
ed like an insane chimpanzee and I
stopped over with exceeding great joy.
The committee looked at me askance
and departed suddenly. Tonight leave
for the sanitarium. Anybody who
comes to talk banquet with me in the
future would better bring shotgun or
he will play the star part in a heinous
crime, of which 1 will be the perpetra-
tor
Hot Weather Verse.
No coats or vests or shirts were worn |
In the good old days of Adam,
To keep cool it, was not a chore
In the good old days of Adam
And right good sense the folks dis |
When in fig leaves they were ar
When it's a hundred in the shade,