The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1913-10-26
"A Tale In Syncopated Words
BY RICHARD r. LUssTER

Mary was a pippin-a bear cat. There
was nothing to 1t, Mary had them all
| dashed to mast when 1t came to good
looks. She was ''boo-ful' in other words
and the gallant GOO of 40 bucks per-
courtiers were all strong for Mary. They
all hummed George M. Cohan's ditty OF
Mary throughout the day and pushed the
salye so fast to the little queen that she
| fell for the mush and began to throw
them down right and left. No masculine
of clay feet could apply; Mary only want
ed the boys whom the income tax would
aggravate
| Mary labored during the day as
stenographer. That is, she hung around
an office eating chocolates and reading
the latest Robert w. Chambers. Be-
tween chapters she would listen for a
compliment from some stray youth with
| straying mind. Her nights were also
spent with Chambers and casino playing
athletes who endeavored to outdo each
other in rhapsodizing on Mary's beauty.
| Such joshing was bad for Mary-she be-
lieved it all, even Chambers. Mary got
| the impression in her think tank that
| the gods had chosen her to be the siren
| to whom all men should kneel and bow.
She felt that she had the nanny OF
any of the eligible genus homo" OF
Slagvile.
Mary was also some josher on her own
hook. Yep; in a few minutes iollowln .ls
an introduction Mary always brought out
that old bromide: You know i don't
have to be stenographer, but 1t is such
a bore at home and one must do some
thing nowadays"
After such a start Mary would launch
forth for an hour and the following
bright lines would be reiterated several
times: "oh. yes, my auntie sent me my
monthly remittance yesterday, which re-
minds me that, must pay off my boot
maker today" and II do so hate to go
shopping without ready money and have
to cash a check"
The above line of ''oakum" was very
effective with the Johns" on Mary $
staff, whose only excitement In life TOOK
the form of one d collector after an
other They admitted that Mary was a
peachirino and lallapaloosa and other
adjectives of inane meaning.
Mary, the fawn like Mary, swallowed
all their junk, and returned same with
interest She handled the bull like
professional Matador and could tell what
she wished was her life story on hve
minutes acquaintance with the utmost
nonchalance.
Mary was really a good colleen. That
Is she was very modern, even If she could
give Baron Munchausen a handicap and
beat him to the tape No, In some Things
Mary was quite old fashioned. For In
stance she had never acquired the. hapit
of enameling her face until it cracked
when she smiled She wore her own hair
and her figure was a matter of conjecture
on the street, as she always wore skirt
which no amount of sunlight would make
transparent. How she refrained from
going about in half nude state ana
painted like an Indian on the warpath
is only explained by the fact that Mary
always wanted to be different from the
rest.
AS mentioned before Mary had COOLIES
of su.tors. However she looked on them
| not The reason was sirnple-Mary mad
aspirations-social aspirations
Yep, Mary was society struck female.
Any male person with tenderloin rec
ord and a country club account could
| win favor with Mary-that Is II they In
vited her out.
| Mary with her winning ways In the
course of time met many of the soc al
| lights of the town. Her con yersation was
| perfectly stepped in current scandal. All
| ter a dinner at the Country club OF at the
| Florence, Mary was sure to gale the
poor unfortunates at the office the next
morning with line Of chatter that eff
fectively stopped all work.
| One fine day ''phony" guy hit the
burg. He caught sight of Mary. 1t was
enough. The CAB artist then and there
/ determined that Mary should be con-
demned to darn his socks for the rest OF
her natural life.
They met. Whoops, my dear, what a
meeting! She thought he was just like
/ Al u rf,ar rrsff q n