The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1913-07-13
liI AVE glass ~ beer with me, said -dr
TT Hennessy
Nl,,+e tint :" demanded Mr.

~on't We
Il will not" said Mr. Dooley How dare We
make such a suggestion to me? If l thought We
had six cnts in eer clothes Id sue We f'r libel.
I wud SO. III have We to know that these secrit
that orculatin around about
dhrnkin habits has got to stop. do not dhrink
beer, butthernk, pop, ice Crane sody sarsprilly,
or tay in amy form. Win much fatigued be
talkin to We | sometimes take glass iv brandy
with tayspoonful iv milk in it But not often,
do not like tn taste iv milk Win have
chill or thirst | dhrink moderately iv bucket or
two " whisky, brandy rum, gin, karosene or
gasolene | niver take champagne EXCEPT whin
III doctor ordhers it. an if tn dock ordhers it
he's got to pay f'r it, too. l niver dhrink cham
payne. An there We have in few brief wurruds
RE innocent dhrnkin' habits
What ARE We talkn' about?" said Mr. Hen
messy. " Ye niver dhrink ha " anything at all"
Z" know it," said Mr.. Dooley, but I don't
want it TO get out I'm thnkin " goin' back into
pollyticks again, an l want tn earnest drinkers
Nv tn country to feel that I'm wan " thin
They're a large an infoo;nchal body " men an
much NEGLECTED. SO if We hear amy rut7lors in TIL
fashnablc clubs that We frequnt that l am not
hon'rary prisd:nt iv tn Ancient Ordher v Alec
holes, that don't have tn pain killer pped into
me while sleep, or that me on'y physical exer-
else is not deleeryum thre1nens l want We to
denounce thin base, false an malicious If
they ask ye Did We liver smell his breath ? tell
thin We have, that We cuddent help it. Twin in tn
same sthreet. II they ask We, Did We detict TIL
prisince iv liquor" tell thin that tn gusts firm
me pipes is practically ninety per clint pure
bcnsine, with tayspoonful or two v breath
added. Tell thin nv tn time We found me on III
sthreet corner thryin' to dance turkey throt
with lamp post. Tell thin iv the polisrnen I've
bate. Let thin know that whin 60 out iv town
an me frinds to sind me home which they
always do at once, they have to crate me I'D an
ship me be freight. Tell thin " tn time We see
me hurl me boot at tn poky dot elephant that
thried to get into bed with me- Here an now.
t1nnissy, | appoint We me campaign manager.
II We do ye'er jooty III capture tn ntre alcoholic
vote an, judgin' be what see an hear on iNction
nights, that ought to land me aisy in amy Office
IN our beloved fatherland
Sure, ITS sthrange change as come over
our poytcks since captain ~ me precinct
We ARE fallen, Hogan says, on Eliminate
days. IN hardy an goryous peervod in tn his
thry " tn republic has passed an tn times whn
Hnnery Clay an Dan1 Webster wud sit f'r hours
pusfnn tn scrttle to an fro acrost tn table has
gone to r@turn no more. Booze an iloqucnce has
both passed out v our public life No longer is
tn gr-reat statesman carried to tn platform be
loving hands an dashed to tn railin' where him
an king Alcohol sings duet on tn spndors iv
N blue sky an tn onfadin' glories iv tn flag
out afther atn pepsin tablet an sippn glass
w light gray linonade he reads to III assinbled
fnnltichood IN financial report iv tn Standard
lie comp ny IF III physical year endin' June first
Mind ye, a. this befure nv time In
my DAY nver knew gr-reat statesman that
dhrank, or II nc did he niver landed anny lob
betther thin clerk in tn weather Office. Bur as
hogan says Shakespeare says, they pretndcd =
vice II they had it not A POLITICIAN was baten
man II IN story wint around that he was sildom
seen dh7ink in public His aim was to create an
in1prlssyon that he was gay fellow. iovvaI
toss pot, that thought nawthin' ~ putin gallon
" paint into him durin' an avenns Entertainment
lney mad 70 exercise diplomacy, dive mind 10
keep their regulations goin' Win Higgins was
Tunnn II sheriff he always ordhcred gin an
always give him water Ye understand. don,
yet e know what gin looks like; Well. wather
looks Ike gin. Wan day Gallagher took M nj,
glass be mistake an higgins lost III precinct b,
iorty votes Sintor OBrcn held boldcr coorse
re used to dump tn stuff on tn flure whin NJ
van was oofin' an 60 home with light foo
while SWEEP, out his constituents Yes. sir. l'y
seen him pour INTO n sawdust quarts an gallon
" RE precious old Re,norsc Rve AGED be ~
own hands ON tn premises
Tn n9st unpopular prisdn, we liver had va
Rutherford b Hayes-an why: Was il bccaus