The Green Forest tribune., 1913-05-16
THISISAN UNDELlvERED SPEECH
What We Intended to Say at the Culture
 Club Banquet Friday Evening.

ture club banquet last Friday evening. When speaker fails to make con- nections on such occasions, as a gen. eral rule, those present never know what they have missed. In this in- stance it is to be different. We are going to have our say. We extract from the notes we had made for the banquet as follows:
 Mrs. Toastmistress, members of the Culture club, ladies and gentlemen-It affords me a very great deal of pleasure to have the honor of address ing you upon this occasion. If I am successful in delivering an address this evening, it will be the first effort of the kind in my innocent, young life. In this respect, confess that l have decided advantage over my friends, Kinney and Hill I have not been spoiled in learning to make after-din- ner speeches. (Wait for applause.)
 'I wish to congratulate the ladies on the success of their club work. have grown to believe that the future of our country depends much upon the women. A record worldwide investigation has proven that women are more worthy of trust than men. Despite the fact that women are handi- capped by taxation without represen- tation, and all that sort of business, they are reaching out by leaps and bounds into the business world, show ing themselves to be mems superiors in many instances. We have very striking example of woman's bus mess judgment right here at home. Mrs. Morrow has proved to be the financier of that family. She started speculation by buying a hog against the doctors judgment. An account was kept as to what it cost to get the hog ready for market When the sale was made, it was found that the feed bill and the original cost of the animal just equaled the price the hog brought upon the market. Dr. Nor row gloatingly remarked to his wife, he knew there was no money in rais- ing hogs. Why, said Mrs. Morrow, I know there is, didn't we get as much money back as we were out? Besides we have had the use of the hog Wait for all to get done laughing.)
 Speaking of hogs reminds me. George Buell. was called upon at a recent farmers meeting at Highland to talk on the subject of hog cholera. George said his hogs were more or less troubled with the disease last summer, but he had failed to find remedy. That one thing he had noticed, how ever, and that was that the ones that fingered along with the disease had much better chance to recover than those that died suddenly. (Put right thumb in arm hole of vest and look wise.)
 have been deeply impressed here tonight by the knowledge of flaw and gospel' exhibited by my friend Kinney. I must say that he has improved wonderfully along scriptural lines since he came to Arkansas. 1 well remember his first case after he came here. He defended a boy for stealing a hog. The prosecutor succeeded in securing a conviction. In the argu- ment of the case Kinney's opponent quoted the seventh commandment as an argument that the lad should be bound-over Being little sore over the verdict, Kinney was inclined to "kid" his opponent. He told the hill billy lawyer that he was so well versed in scripture, he would bet him ten dollarsshe could not repeat the Lord s prayer. The bet was called and stakes put up and the Arkansas Pettafogger begun rattling off like this: Now, lay me down to sleep, l pray the Lord my soul to keep. And if I die before l wake, pray the Lord my soul to take Give him the money, said Kinney. He quoted it correctly. (Smile serenely, but don't laugh)
 Kinney has long been noted as an after dinner speaker. In Michigan, they said, all you had to do with him was to drop dinner in the slot and up comes speech. Here in Green Forest it is bit different with him. Drop one of Kinney's speeches in the slot and up comes the dinner. Adjust glasses and assume dignifed at- titude)
 ''I was sorry to see my friend Hill make such a failure here this evening. He seems to mean well. Dick S father was down here last summer and he told me that Dick was a boy that never gave him much trouble when he was growing up. The other boys were rather tough and he had to hire them to be good, but that Dick was always good for nothing. Oook innocent and surprised.)
 ''I thank you again for the honor you have conferred by calling upon me for speech this evening. I sin cerely trust that I may be able to greet you all one year hence at the Ladies Culture club banquet. I thank you" (Bow and smile and sit down. )