davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Lexington intelligencer. [volume] (Lexington, Mo.) 1901-1949, 1913-03-07
SOLVING A PROBLEM
Rich YuEng Bachelor Regains
Health and Finds a Wife at
I Strange Resort.
~ WALTER JOSEPH DELANEY.

Lungs inactive, heart insipid, brain
torpid" reported DR.. Philetus Derrin-
ger, and he tapped his patient,
Thomas Maltby, three times and made
a mental note of a fifty dollar bill for
his advice.
'Humph!" observed the wealthy old
bachelor-"generally lazy, eh?'
Worse than ~laziness, my friend"
responded the notable physician grave
ly. Your late suppers, lack Of exer-
else and indolent ways generally have
stored your system with %poisons."
Then get rid of them" suggested
Thomas.
Nothing but exercise will do that
was the serious response. 81 do not
wish to alarm you, Mr.. Maltby, but if
you want to shorten your life twenty
years just keep on IN the idle, use
less career you are now living"
Thomas Maltby's face Swallowed a
trife. No one realized more fully
than himself that his life vas profit
less and wasted. He was the best
natured, best-hearted fellow in the
world, but he had money and no def
mite aim in the world.
A good many times of late his head
had grown dizzy and there had beer
twinges of the govt, Then he had goi
SO he could not go to sleep without the
aid Of a sedatiye. Functionally he
was still all right, the doctor said, bu'
his little ailments we're warnings hi
must attend to.
You speak Of exercise, doctor,
said Thomas. What do you mean
golf, walking, baths, dieting?'
They all help, but you need add
tionally a spur, changed conditions
Get your mind clear as well as you
body, See here, did you ever hear 0
Prof. Septimus Gregg and his grea
youthful reorganization SYSTEM"
81 never did" confessed Thomas.
well one month in his hands an
you are pretty nearly born agar
Then If you go back to your oil
The Lexington intelligencer. [volume] (Lexington, Mo.) 1901-1949, 1913-03-07
MIInon PIays Santa.

When Charlie Conroy of East
Orange, N. j., 8 years old, got up
Christmas morning he found that the
letter he sent to Santa Claus, State
House, Trenton" had been answered
by Governor Wilson. Charlie ASKED
for a sweater, a pair Of gloves, a neck
tie. a cap, two books, a train OF cars,
a box Of blocks and some candy and
fruit.
President-elect Wilson was so Inn
pressed that he had one Of his stenog-
raphers send Charlie all the things he
asked for.
The Lexington intelligencer. [volume] (Lexington, Mo.) 1901-1949, 1913-03-07
HER TENDENCY.

"0ur boarding house mistress
would make herself extremely popu-
lar with the patrons of a railroad"
"Why SOP"
"She is always cutting down the
fare"
The Lexington intelligencer. [volume] (Lexington, Mo.) 1901-1949, 1913-03-07
IN. nnnar.d emo Mordn.

For every swear word spoken this
year by members OF the clerical force
in an automobile tire factory at Mill
town, N. j., a fine of n cent has been
dropped in the "profane box for the
Salvation Army. The box, opened re-
Gently, contained s49S, Somebody
then said damn" twice to make the
sum an even five dollars. There are
100 clerks.
The Lexington intelligencer. [volume] (Lexington, Mo.) 1901-1949, 1913-03-07
EXCEPTION.

Don't YOU think people have a
right to talk when a man pays con-
slant attention to a married wom-
amp"
Not if it happens to be his wife,
unless it is from surprise"
The Lexington intelligencer. [volume] (Lexington, Mo.) 1901-1949, 1913-03-07
BRUTAL F%RANKNEss.

"My face is my fortune" said the
girl.
'Tn that case / would advise you
to go through voluntary bankrupt.
cy," responded the man, "and then
take up the intellectual pose"
The Lexington intelligencer. [volume] (Lexington, Mo.) 1901-1949, 1913-03-07
NO SUCH LUCK.

"Swans sing, don't they, before
they die?"
Eyes, and how nice it would be
for the community if some people
would only reverse the rule and die
before they sing"
The Lexington intelligencer. [volume] (Lexington, Mo.) 1901-1949, 1913-03-07
MuRMURINe.

@Murmur at nothing" said the OPP
timist.
81 do" answered the pessimist.-
Detroit News.
The Lexington intelligencer. [volume] (Lexington, Mo.) 1901-1949, 1913-03-07
FRIGHTENED INTO ADMISSION.

Teacher-Clas in geography, pay
attention. You on the end there,
are you a Caucasian?
Small Boy (whimpering)-Nom
I'm Mr.. Jones' little boy.
The Lexington intelligencer. [volume] (Lexington, Mo.) 1901-1949, 1913-03-07
POT AND KETTLE.

"How about those New Year resO-
lustions Of yours, Nan?"
"Huh! How about that diary you
started on New Years day, FAM"
The Lexington intelligencer. [volume] (Lexington, Mo.) 1901-1949, 1913-03-07
POSITION.

whats the matter with Jaggs-
by?"
"He's in deep water about land
ing that job"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-07-13

classes and caused the members Of his
own race infinite shame and distress.
Time was when the prize fighter was
rated a fairly proper citizen. He re-
garded his line of business seriously and
kept in training and usually retired In
affiuence on the proceeds of his combats.
OF late years, however. dissipation has
been the ruin of many of the conspicuous
pugilists. The other day a man who
was famous in the ring few years
ago, philadelphia Jack O'Brien. was
found to be living in restitution, although
at one time he was rated as worth a for
tune. Pugilism has fallen under the ban
of public disapproval of late years partly
because of the fakes and frauds that
have been practiced upon the people and
partly also because of the steady growth
of sentiment against the spectacle of men
pounding one another for purses and
prizes. The performances Of Jack John
son have facilitated the movement to put
an end to professional pusiiism by pro-
hibiting all such encounters, doing more
to dscredit this so-called sport than even
such fatal mishaps as the killing of Nc
Carly by Pelky at Calgary.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-07-13
"reminiscences.

When Grandpa gets his scrapbook out
We have to sit around
And listen. while he talks about
Things joyous or profound;
How Grant became a President;
And Patti-how she sang;
And how some old election went
To beat some ancient gang.
The various scandals and the fights
Which fiourished In his youth
Are his particular delights.
They make us yawn, in truth.
But Grandpa knows them all by heart
His pleasures are so few
That when his memory makes a start
We have to hear him through.
We have our heroes nowadays
And singers wondrous sweet.
Men struggle, i'm the public gaze.
To glory or defeat.
With interest the worlds a-thrill.
But Grandpa gravely quotes
And really thinks it has stood still
Since he quit taking notes.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-07-13

The new rules adopted by the public
utilities commission relative to the street
railway equipment and service in the Dis
trict authorize the operation of trail
ers' on the local lines on condition that
they are manned by conductors. This
conditional permission is not likely to
lead to the general reinstatement of
the trailer in Washington. but it will
allow the quick expansion of the service
in emergencies to provide for exceptional
crowds. The chief objection to the trailer
in the past was that owing to the neces-
sity for one conductor to work two cars
the Roadway was slow, as it was neces-
sary to give the fare collector time be-
tween transfer stations to make COM
plete round There was also some danger
to the passengers in their operation. Tor
a conductor standing in one car could not
see all the points of entrance and exit,
and numerous accidents resulted. With
two conductors, however, this danger is to
a great extent eliminated. Yet the rail-
road companies, having meanwhile adopt
ed large single cars, mostly of the pay
ment-on-entrance type, are not likely to
revert to the old system save as sug-
gested to meet exceptional conditions. 1t
is certainly to be hoped that the old single
truck cars. formerly used as trailers, will
not be restored to service.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-07-13

morbid sort of interest is manifested
In this country in the doings and inten-
tons of the negro bruiser who is osten-
sibie heavyweight lighting champion of
the world, now in Paris. This highly un-
desirable citizen. having been convicted
of violation Of the white slave law in
circumstances that cause him to be re-
garded with loathing by practically all
the American people. has been quoted
first as saying that he would never re-
turn TO America. and later as declaring
his intention to return when summoned
TO court. The announcement that he
would not come back TO the states caused
a feeling Of general rejoicing, for he has
been nothing but q source OF trouble and
scandal and shame ever since he ac.
auired netoriety by his success In the
prize ring. This man Johnson is the kind
to bring crushing discredit upon a sport
that was once popular. He is the worst
example of the professional pugilst.
without education. utterly without morals
and with a disregard of public decency
that has gFsyely shocked people of all
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-07-13

persons have declared he has no quail
acations. Why are they not pleased that
he Is giving SO little time to matters he
might mar by close attention?
As a matter Of fact there is nothing
pressing at the State Department now.
Not even the Japanese matter is pressing.
The representatives OF foreign govern
ments are all out of town for the sum-
mer. and have established temporary
headquarters where they are sojourning.
Why should Mr.. Bryan remain as the
only pebble on the beach-the only rose
of summer? Why should he not put in
the time to suit himself until the absen-
tees return and business is resumed at
the old stand?
The question is asked. Is this to be Mr..
Bryan's vacation? Well. why not? Why
should not the public accept his lecture
tour as in the nature of a complete men
tai rest after four months application to
official duties2
There is the old story about MI
Beecher an orator of great charm and
fuency. who talked we'll OH all subjects.
and drew enormous audiences wherever
he appeared. After winter of hard
work in his Brooklyn study and pulpit, he
would show fatigue. and his physician
would prescribe complete mental rest
Then the. manager of lecture bureau
would take him on tour. and he would re-
turn after several months SO employed
in train for his labors again.
So now with Mr.. Bryan. He talks with
Rreat charm and fiuency and ease on
rrtany subjects. and draws we'll in every
section of the country. Oratory is his
lor,g suit Diplomacy is new to him II
he needs a mental rest after his brief ex-
perrence as Secretary of State why should
he not take it? And If he returns in
improved fettIe in the fall for his Of
fetal duties why will not the country
benefit? Give MIR. BRYAN square DEAL
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-07-13
The WOLF OF WALL STREET.

Prom the Springfield Republican.
Wall street hates wolf even worse
than q bear, and the only animal 1t really
likes is the lamb.
From the Philadelphia Press,
With it's bulls and bears and lambs
and goats 1t needed only the addition
Of a wolf to make the Wall street zoo
logical collection pretty complete.
From the Omaha Bee.
The bulls and bears Of Wall street
call Lamar the w9 vt sm ar ensh ios
of bulls and bears!
From the Milwaukee Journal.
Mr.. Lamar says he realises his char
scter is on trial before the country. A
little mistake; 1t was on trial before he
made those admissions.
From the Knoxville Journal and Tribune
1t is not expected that the so-called
David Lamar will make any contrtbu-
tons to the conscience fund.
From the Utica Observer.
Can It be said that Lamar, posing
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-07-13
Mr.. Bryan and His Critics.

Mr.. Bryan finds his critics hard to
please Whatever ne does seems wrong
10 them.
They objected TO his appointment to the
State Department. on the score that he
had no qualifications for the business.
They described him as an orator and
agitater who would he out of place In
matters OF diplomacy. Moreover, they
predicted that he would not serve hia
chief with fidelity. but use his Office to
advance his own fortunes for 1916.
Now that Mr.. Bryan announces a lee
turs tour that will keep him away from
his Office for six weeks his critics object.
He should stay at home. and attend 10
hasiness-bWiness for which these same
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-07-13
Gov. Stubbs' Hat in the Ring.

toy. Stubbs of Kansas is progressive.
and aspires TO the presidency. He wants
Ia lead his party i'm 1916. An announce
ment 10 that effect is in circulation
This may or may not be important. IL
il interesting. because il introduces an
other name in the matter of progressive
ism besides that of Mr.. Roosevelt VIII
the Kansas refnrmer stick? Does he
really mean business:
The progressive party last year repre-
scented nothing br an effort to return
Mr. Roosevelt to abe White House u
was a one-man orsaniZa ton. 1t attract
cd great attention because that man was
a striking individual. He wrought on men
OF property. and on men of no property ;
on mea of political experience. ana ON
men without political experiences, ON hish
and low, rich and poor. mature and I'M
mature He marshaled large support
oil election dan
In tbs. opinion of many today the pro-
e essive. party is still one-man party
They conceive il as existing solely Tor Mr.
Rooseve,ts benefit. They consider that
but for him it would disappear. They be-
Ueve that he will lead it again three
years from now, and that he VIII De
nominated for President then oy acclama-
ton. They will be greatly surprised II
apy other name is mentioned in the con-
vention.
But here is Gov. Stubbs. How many
., ogres sives are of his opinion: How
many regard the progressive party as an
Embossed organization. lighting TOT dell
mite policies and open to able men OF high
ambition? How many are supporting his
ambition: How many are for him even
as against the eminent founder and first
leader of the party?
Progressiveism today has strong hold
in Kansas Senator Bristow is of that
faith. and Mr.. Murdoch is the acl<nowl-
edged leader of the progressives in the
House Are they Stut,0s men: and II SO
will they be in his train three years from
now?
Next year comes an election when
Kansas must speak Both MIR. BristoW
and Mr.. Murdoch must so before the peo-
Pie on their record. suppose they fall.
suppose a; republican or a. democrat Is
chosen senator in Mr.. Brkstows place,
and a republican OF a democrat in Mr..
Murdock's place, and progressiveism gen
orally in the state. gets black eye.
Where will that leave the Stubbs boom
Who will oppose Mr.. Roosevelt then?
But this Is 1913. So much may happen
TO Gov Stubs and to other presidential
aspirants-before 1916 rolls around 1t is
too early for anybody to get excited.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-07-13

Through the telephone as a congressman,
was wolf in sleeps clothing?
From the Hartford Times.
One thing which impresses us is that
Mr.. Lamar found Wall street a peeul-
iarly excellent field for his peculiar line
, of business and made great deal Of
money out of Ii.
From the Birmingham Age Herald.
Broker Lamar is called "protean" by
the brilliant head writers of this and
other newspapers but to the plain people
he will continue to be slick duck"
From the Kansas City Star.
The lobby net in Washington seems to
have entangled one B'rer Wolf along
with several Brer Rabbits.
From the Houston Chronicle.
David Lamar appears to take a rather
humorous view of the mess he has
stirred. Possibly the jingle of that ten
thousand may have something to do
with his happy mood 1t isn't every man
who can get that price for so short q
yarn,
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-07-13
Free Car Riding.

1t is to be hoped that some method will
devised whereby the District policemen
aud firemeR can be relieved of the burden
Of paving car fares in their use OF the
street car lines in this city. Under the
old arrangement they had free access to
the cars and We're thus enabled without
expense to move quickly between their
iscfnea and their stations, or. in the case
Of trouble when of duty at their homes,
to the scene Of action. This undoubtedly
facilitated their movements and added to
the flexibility and efficiency of the forces
The Commissioners recently, sitting as
the public utilities commission, decided
that under the law 1T was improper for
he street railway companies to grant free
transportation TO any persons and ordered
che diseoDtin1lance of the practice. This
las imposed serious burden upon the
policemen and firemen. who can i'll afford
TO pay car fame, and consequently require
a longer time in going between stations
and homes and In responding to summary
calls TO duty while at home. So now
the Commissioners, acting as SUCH are
seeking a way to reimburse the members
OF these two forces from the contingent
funds for car fares expended by them in
these circums tances. The decision rests
asmuch as the street railway companies
are entirely wiling to continue the old
custom of carrying the policemen and
firemen free it would seem to be the best
solution OF the pGobiem TO return to the
former practice, which was subject to
practically no abuse by the men in uni
form The presence Of policemen on the
street cars Is by no means undesirable.
On the contrary IL makes for better order
in these public vehicles. which are al
times subject to serious disturbances. On
some of the lines. indeed, 1t woassd be
we'll to have . policeman constantly pres.
emit on each car at certain hours
Giving the policemen and firemen. espe-
ctally the former, free access to the cars
without the necessity OF rendering an &C
counting for their expenditures makes
them more efficient by charging their
scope Of usefulness. and the District Ii
the gamer by this facility of movement
or their part. II would be a benefit te
the Community. il the new law cannot
be construed SO as to give the firemer
and policemen free street car riding. t.
amend il as quickly possible SO thai
the old practice may be resumed.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-07-13
The SUNDAY DROUTA In WASHINGTON.

as lost travellers in the Desert Of Sahara.
pathy whatever for the tipplers who have
been separated from their tippie. To APP
preciate meal, a person must be very
hungry. To appreciate a drink, person
must go hours without one.
From the Portland Press.
Liquor selling having been forbidden in
, washington even at the clubs on sunday,
there will be others than the President
who will spend the week end elsewhere.
From the Milwaukee Sentinel.
The public prints report q dry Sunday
in Washington. Presumably the Senate
proceedings are not meant, Is there was
no Sunday session.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-07-13
Plant Immigrants
of Great Value.
From the Boston Transcript.

From the Boston Transcript.
Along Highball row on PENNSYLVANIA
avenue almost any Saturday afternoon
nowadays you can hear bunch of Mo-
javized congressman bemoanl ng their pre-
cipitancy in voting Washington dry on
Sundays.
From the Pittsburgh Dispatch
Washingtonians are much Interested In
the novelty OF dry" Sunday, but take
hope in the thought that the feeling. if
not the cause. will wear off,
From the Fort Worth Record.
Washington enjoyed it's first boozeless
Sunday July @. At the hotels and cl,Ihs
the guests were as parcaeH in the throats
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-07-13
Thinking of Her Happiness.

"Why are you opposed to woman SUI
frage?" asked Gwendolyn-
I'm not opposed to it, replied Harold
But your father made me promise that
I would try to make you happy. And
you can't be happy If as a voter you un-
dertake responsibilities involving obliga-
ton to understand every question from
the cost of a new sewer to banking
and currency BILL
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-07-13
Becoming Injured.

$50 you want to go into public life?'
asked Senator Sorghum.
EYES," replied the young man.
'sYou must remember that You will be
criticised and ridiculed even by Your
friends. Can you accustom yourself tc
that?'
"Yes. I'm practicing now. l wear one
of those plaid coats with a belt in the
back
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-07-13
4 New System.

IT don't believe can ever learn those
latin conjugations." said the young man.
"That'll be all right replied the pro-
fessor. Il am at work on a new sys-
tenn I'm going to set em to ragtime
music and let you sing 'em as the
choruses Of popular songs"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-07-13

The Governor of Missouri wants every
able-bodied male TO put in two days ac-
tual work on the roads This is direct
taxation i'm its extreme form. But any
experiment looking 10 better highways
seems worth trying.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-07-13

There will be a considerable amount of
sympathy for the Attorney Generals Of
flee if it is ever expected to take up the
question of a grand opera monopoly in
this country.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-07-13

Europe is taking particular interest in
ragtime music and dances. There is at
least something in exchange for the art
treasures brought over by our financial
princes.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-07-13

President Wilson yields to the photog-
raphers now without protest The Amer
lean public insists on knowing whether
the chief executive is still preserving the
traditional smile
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-07-13

The Congressional Record might acquire
an even larger circulation IL cIrcum-
stances permitted il to advertise some of
it's most striking features a week or two
In advance.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-07-13

Col Watterson thinks Col. Roosevelt is
losing his political grip The Kentucky
editors prophecies have not been particu-
iarly encouraging to anybody of late.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-07-13
Taxation.

From This to That they shift the tax,
And yet complaint does not relax.
For, while to This it means relief
Poor That is filled with sudden grief.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-07-13

1t is asserted that the newspapers print
too much about crime. No people are
more anxious to have the custom discOn-
tinued than the criminals themselves.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-07-13

If diplomatic representatives abroad
were popular and accomplished lecturers
their private incomes might easily make
the question of official compensation one
Of no importance.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-07-13

DIR. Friedman is not the first man who
has succeeded in making a tremendous
mystery of a matter which actually
amounted to nothing.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-07-13

yIn order to avoid ieiays on -, account &c ,, Gi
persopaf absence letters ID THE SiAh snoul9
No; h.. addressed to any individual connected
with the ofs,ce. but simpy to THE STAR or to
the Editorial Business pepartmens. aeeoons
tenor purpose
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-07-13

Some of the manufacturers who inter-
ested themselves in legislation are re-
garded as paying too much attention to
the manufacture OF public opinion.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-07-13

Judge Gaynor seems almost as sure that
he is the best mayor New York ever had
as one Bill Devery was that he was the
best chief of police.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-07-13

The airship accident is always ex-
planned, but never in d way that helps to
provide against it's recurrence.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-07-13

The opportunity to enlist in the navy
takes the form of privilege which might
be suggested by means of an engraved in
vitation
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-07-13

The President Mellen resignation rumor
has shown a disposition to come through
in sections.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1913-07-13

If Congress had not SO many bills to
consider. it might do even more invests
eating.