New-York tribune., 1913-07-31
AS | WAS SAYING

our Latin. confess. is the brand old man
Vergil described exceedingly punk"-puncus in
excelso. In childhoods happy hour we snubbed
Latin We dreaded meeting the Roman divinities,
every man Jack Of whom (and every girl Gill. for
that matter) will be jailed when caught.
But somehow have not forgotten "ter die" the
physicians phrase for thrice daily" Lucky We
haven't. since thereby hangs joke.
1t appears that pitent as 'orrifed London
orspttle by bouncing OF bed, 'opping into IS
trousers and mixing for the wilds Of 'Ampstead
Eath. When captured e explined Il looks on the
nurses card and sees death warrant-'Ter die.
Lor lumme!' says Fly. 'Erbert"
We met this truthful yarn while perusingra piece
on the decay Of English by the new Poet Laureate
who is not only handsome old chap and a weaver
delicate verses, but jolly fine wag into the bar
gain Thinks Erbert's point was well taken. as the
patient pronounced ter die" after the manner now
prevalent in Begravia and Mayfair
We weep for the decay OF English, though we
cannot up to much surprise Long have Britons
adhered to the English OF Parliament and cannot
shed the abit, the Ouse is hoverrun with those
"'orny- 'anded tons Of soil"
And speaking Of things medical they tell us
doctor famine is impending over yonder, and we
begin to ask how soon It will reach these shores.
curdlng sound? Z-z-z-z! 1t IS the doctors cut
ting their own throats
Just when Eddyism and psychotherapy are steal
ing their business with rapacious paw, what do
these simple souls do? whip out jackknife and.
I'm seventeen minutes. tinker an invalid who would
otherwise pay tribute for seventy joyous
years give away science and operations in lectures,
magazines and free schntzcnfests; open fire on their
oldest and best friend, the fly, and then to make
g1t ,l., ...fFtI tI,.fy B.ur dat
How we miss those boards! The Methuselah pose
inspired confidence 10y seeming TO connect doctor
with the most advanced OF the ancient Assyrian
practitioners Besides, It concealed his perpeXity.
Hear him now: Maybe It's locomotor- staxia, and
maybe It's Group paranoia or spavins. or perhaps
shingles complicated with pellagra sleeping sickness
insomnia and Potts disease Of the spine. Hanged
if | can tell. But don't you worry my boy-therc's
always the autopsy"
Oh yes we know what you saying. You
point to the medical colleges You argue that raw
recruities rush the front fast the veterans
kill themselves on
Sounds logical but you forget the automobile, and
what raw recrutie afford one? The lack seals
his doom at the very outset Your raw recruitie
settles down opposite the Sea Grill and waits for
somebody to choke fish bone. After weeks OF
lynx-eyed watching. at last a case. Oh glee!
But even as the tyro is reaching for his tongs
comes the dread honk! honk! OF the victims family
physician, who not only extracts the fish bone, but
diagnoses a priceless outfit Of diseases. ranging all
the way from an invaluable broken arch to a highly
remuneratve neurasthenia.
over at the District Attorneys office they inform
us that President Wilson's future son-in-law has
been made First Lord OF the Abandonment Bureau
scandalousl And such a nice girl, too! We trust
acbe Wash he
dent will take the proper course and give him Jessie
Beneath Mr.. Fagg's clever cartoon It said. It's
risky TO want things-you wanted to vote" and the
lone dame in the picture found herself In dreadful
company at the pos-Bowery bad men, tough
darlsies. barroom brusers. and plenty more un-
congeniaL
We have puzzled about that all the week. and
conclude Brother Flagg should wave again. Next
time give us a poor, lone. terrified male, wriggling
toward the voting booth amid manads who have
fitted themselves for citizenship by ten thousand
awful battles at the bargain counter.
That charming foreigner In THE Metropolitan
for August belauds American architecture for It's alb
sence Of "twiddles and thinks this speaks well FOR
the restraint he beholds everywhere in America; and
so It does
Comes the architects client and says: Hello, old
chap! have acquired Nos. 4oZ-4Oo Blank avenue
Sketch me a house Something swell! Plenty OF
Ioggas and urrets and gargoyles and arpeggios and
ric-rac. Build her fancy"
But the first drawing Is never satisfactory Gee
whizz!" cries the client Where the show
cases for my girls? Where is the open-face ban
quet hall? And didn't tell you to build the draw
ing room entirely OF plate glass and leave space up
top for Besse's studio?'
Thought you wanted some kind OF mansion"
says the architect. "but get your idea now. You
want a greenhouse"
Then begins war. When peace sets in it is due to
no mere craven, gnobe aesthetic enlightenment on
the clients part II he agrees to walls, 1t Is from
necessity and II he relInqushes twiddles, 1t is be-
cause he finds they will cost so much that, while
doubtless ne can retain his present squadron Of
automobiles he will have 10 abandon all hope Of
breeding them. H. l.. H.