The Washington times., 1913-10-24
Conquests of
~ Constance
By ALMA WOODWARD.

OH II NE, tetlin me now TO
i dress an what kind wv tooth
powder to use, I'm goin' to
exercise few portions wv my vocabu-
larry in their direction" expostuIated
Constance. scratching her scalp with
the eraser on her pencil. IF there's
thing l amt got no use fer it's a
me:idler-espec,alIy one of them four
! eyed neddlers."
you're talking at random" I repri-
named. "and there aren't any explain
atcry notes. 1 object to being made the
Target for a volley Of Srowls as soon as
l heave in sight. When I'm utterly
blameless. Who's been revilIng you?'
The sleek golden head perked impu-
dently to the side riShted itself. The
stern!y drawn lips broadened into thA
| birth of a smile. ~a.
Say, yuh amt SO worse in sl;ngin'
ShoctaW yerseif, she admired. "Yuh
certainty en- mention more words what
| remind me 1 amt had college educa
ton than any other person 1 know. I
wuz tryin' TO tell yuh that ono Nv then,
| cEaritably inclined DANES has spotted
me again. with the aid of her gold
lorgnettes. You know they never en-
| see no one what's spendin' Iess'n a
million year jus with their plain eyes
-theJ always gotta use them window
Panes-an' it gets my goat.
They serpentine up to the board an
ask fer number. then all wv a sud-
den they gasp an raise their SOUL
searchers an say with a Newport
Palm Beach accent:
why. gell, you're quite a typer IL
you would let me tell you how to dress
just once l could make you quite STUN
| ming, I wager
Then 1 say: Blot IL from YOUR MEM
'ry, an take it out on Central. Yuh
gee, two things get my goat in that rec
mark. One is that they say let me
TELL you how to dress insteal Nv let
me DRESS you An tn other Ia that
! they're goin' to make me stunnin', when
I've been led to believin' that there's
something wonderfully attractive about
ME already. See? Gee, as they stand
| they got more sunken investment On
their backs'n I'd use up in a couple NV
years wardrobe. an yet 1 bet / could
| make fossy John turn an look at
me first. even II we wus walkin' side by
side. They amt got no snap, no
diableary to en-
Its the fashion to look three-auar-
ters head and loose at the joints" re-
minded her.
"Yeh. 1 know" she answered scorn-
fully. but If | ever tried to keep up
that fiuted attitude Id sure develop
chronic indyspepsia, or a slow decline;
tn bentness Nv it'd prey on my mind
SO, Yuh can't imagine how sensitive
I am to infiooence. Lots Nv times I'm
mortified to death by things that
wouldn't affect no one with q callous
disposition.
what'd JUS shed his face coverings.
got mushy on him when | first met
him on account NV his whiskers-never
been shaved, yuh know, an all soft an
glossy like cornsilk. Then all NV a
sudden he gets tn idea that he's too
old -lookin' to be goin' round with yours
truly, an he decides to cast off his
disguise an expose his features to tn
world.
well, say, when l first laid eyes on
him that night I got tn shock Nv my
life I felt like tellin' him to keep out
Nv draughts an things. Such a eXpanse
wv new-mown territory / never seen on
a face. why. there wuZ such a tract Nv
upper lip that he could "a ct garlic
'thout' lettin' his nose know what his
mouth wuZ doin'.
But 1t wuz a date fer a show, so
tried to drown my distaste. an We
started uptown on a Broadway car
Bout Forty-second street a souse gets
in-some hobo what'd picked up a trans
fer on tn corner. cause there wuzn't no
space in his clothing intact enough to
hold nickel. The car give a lurch an
the souse settled next to my escorI.
Little by little he KEEP eyein' him up an
down, like he wuZ learnin' to take a
awful dislike to him. Then very sudden
he sez:
IS sh-shay.- are you Tom Sharkey?'
Well tn feller. havin' had enough
guyin' that evenin'. wanted to quiet
matters So he answered.:
.Thatll be all right. governor
AT which tn tanked gent leans for-
ward an with tn punch NV a prosecu-
tirg district attorney wells:
= 'Guv'no Gee. if I was tn gov'nor.
Badly. I'd pardon yuh"
An, yuh know. II affected me awful.
I'm fierce ssnAtuys"