davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23
His Advice.

The portly lady had accidentally,
taken a rear seat in a surface car re-
served for smokers. With uncon-
cealed indignation she watched the
man beside her fill his pipe.
Sir" finally came her frigid tones,
smoking always makes me feel sick"
Does it now, ma ann" said the man
as he carefully lighted up. Then take
my advice an quit smoking"
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23
AT Scotland Yard.

The Caller-Oh, inspector. about
that diamond pin | reported had
stolen last week-I've just called in
to let you know that I've found it.
The Inspector-Found it! An we've
just got an absolutely priceless clew!
London Tit-Bits.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

The man VINO has written a great
many words in a very small space has
bobbed up again. This time he used a
postal card and wrote 7.109 words on 1t
when he might have been doing some
thing useful.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23
Same Old Story.

Adam Tin the suburbs of the Gar
den of Eden)-Now, Eve, you surely
aren't going to clamor for clothes
already!
Eve (tearfully)- know very
we'll, Adam, | haven't had a decent
thing since the fall,-Judge.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

ligious sentiment and put in most Of
his time abusing and opposing Chris
tianity. The safest way is to name
your boy Bill or Tom or Jake or Jeff
or something that don't mean much. :"
Kansas City Star.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

Long distance philanthropy is
doubtful business. For example, a
Bostonian, dead these SO years, left.
$500 year to be spent In buying cook
stoves for the poor. who have long
since discarded cook stoves in favor of
gas and electric heaters
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

The Pennsylvania blacksnake which
climbed a tree to eat English spar
rows must have acted under the be-
lief that the fish story had had the
field of picturesque fiction to itself
entirely too long.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

New York has made the truly as
founding discovery that the people
prefer to pay for their own amuse-
ments rather than take advantage of
those the city offers free. II this were
not so, we should feel inclined to de-
spair for the independent spirit that
was once thought typical Of Amert
cans.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23
Art and Truth.

Art aims to reveal the absolute
TRUTH said the idealist
Well" replied the prosaic person.
"the truth is all right. But l don't
see anything so artistic about ther-
mometer."
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

The mosquitoes and flies which
were not swatted last summer In the
annual war of determination. are now
singing paens of victory over their
survival with biting refrains.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

That California man 107 years old
who boasts of his bachelorhood should
not crow too soon. Some woman may
choose to marry him just to show that
II can be done.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23
No. SIX-SIXTY-SIX

This is prescription prepared es-
pecially for Malaria or Chills and
Fever. Five or six doses will break
any case, and if taken then as a tonic
the fever will not return. 25c.-Adv.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23
Remorse.

But" she complained. you told me
you had a rich uncle"
81 know It," he sadly replied. 81
regret that lie more than you ever
can-now."
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

A Philadelphia man says he has dis
covered a way to burn water. That's
nothing new We saw a man burning
up a river in a motor boat last sum-
mer
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23
First In His Line.

TT was Atlas. wasn't 1t. pa. whs
held up the world?"
Yes. my SON."
Then he must have been the first
hold-up man. wasn't he?"
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

An expert advises blondes to wear
colored glasses when they go into the
sunlight. Which shows how much
some experts really know about
blondes
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

The English chorus girl who got
s250,000 in lieu of a title In breach
-ofpromise suit will probably live to
bless her luck.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23
Vain PRAYERS,

Aren't you going to say you
prayers, Willie?" T.
No, I'm not. | am tired of pray
ing for this family without getting
results. Life.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23
Proper Kind.

Amateur Cowboy want to get a
writer to describe how | secured the
plains.
Friend-Then why not get a scrub
writer?
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

a first class man-o'-warsman are under
the bureau of navigation. Even the
naval academy at Annapolis finds its
authority here. Every captain am
bilious to get command Of squadron
must look to this bureau for promo
ton The enlisted man who overstays
his leave the lieutenant who has fall
en- victim OF the plucking board, the
stout commander who has been too
long on shore duty-each and all must
take their cases to this bureau.
Ruler Of 100000 People.
Over in the sister branch of the mill
tary service sits another man who has
very human work to perform in that
he is the virtual ruler Of 100000
people. This individual is Brigadier
General Frank Mcintyre, chief of the
bureau of insular affairs. and there
fore charged with the active control
of all matters pertaining to the gov
eminent of the peoples Of the Philip
pines and Porto Rico.
General Mcintyre is not as new to
his. task as some of the men herein
mentioned, as he came to it through
many campaigns in the Philippines
and by work in the bureau under Gen.
eral Edwards. it's former chief. His
| task is an immense one, as the bu-
reau of insular affairs Is attempting
for one thing to perform the miracle
of moldins into one homogeneous
whole the so chaotic tribes, speaking
| J,oIA tn
ligions, harboring many animosities
and unenlightened as to civilized liv-
ing. who go to make up the popula-
ton of the Philippines.
The Gold Guardian.
John Burke, three times governor
of the great state of North Dakota
is the guardian of the greatest aggre
CATION of actual money that has ever
been gotten together in the history oil
the world He is the new treasurer
of the United States, and this govern
ment is the possessor Of more wealth
than any other institution since Adam
The other day he signed receipt fol
1,426,422,05 AS 2-3 Nobody can think
of a billion and half of actual money
and comprehend what the amount &C
tually means. But that is the amount
in actual money in tta treasury a
Washington that the retiring treas
urer of the United States turned ovel
to Treasurer Burke and for which hi
is responsible.
These vastly important government
positions, that are so large In respon
} sibilities as to appall the man whit
tries to measure them, are of grea
, number, but one other should be men
, toned in selecting but few Of thu
most strikingly interesting ones. Thi
other is that of councillor of the stat
: department, a post just now held b.
one John Bassett Moore. college pre-
fessor This is the man who advise
; as to the points of law arising between
: nations as the ordinary lawyer woul
, give an opinion as to the points a
. difference between two individuals Il
ordinary business. Treaties and inter
: national differences are his regula
: diet be they past or prospective. HI
2 is likely to patch up a little agree
! ment any morning before breakfas
D that will lead to world peace or find
5 provision in an old treaty that wi
3 crowd some land-hungry Europea
q country off the American map.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

born, and the Elias we're all dead.
Some good old names like Laura and
Susan survive as hand-me-downs, and
the name of Mary. fortunately. will
never perish.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23
Talkinu About II.

What is she Dragging about now?
Il don't know. but | think it's the
trip to Europe she was going to take
hut didn't"
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

A lot of valuable time is being vast.
ed nowadays listening to the thrilling
tales told by friends who have just
returned from the national convention
of some fraternal order.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

The man who has been furnishing
motive power for pen all winter Is
Just making his annual discovery that
rowing a boat Is not as easy as 1t
looks.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

We know of one man who greatly
enjoyed the sermon last Sunday. He
dreamed that a rich uncle had died
and left him a million dollars.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

Henri Rochefort's achievement OF
living to be eighty-three seems to es-
tablish that the French duel Is a
healthful form Of exercise.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

A new religion In Chicago teaches
its adherents to worship their feet
Must be something after all in those
stories about Chicago feet.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

It is a vain masculine hope that the
less material the new fashions call for
the cheaper will be the cost OF the
dress.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

A supreme test of friendship is
when the neighbors ask you II you
will take care of their dog while they
are away on their vacation.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

When man acquires peck OF
trouble if looks to him like a bushei
and a half.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

Keep falling in love II you would
keep eternally young" says a philos-
opher. He should have added. with
the same person"
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

Possibly the greatest tragedy Of the
beach is when the last years bathing
suit splits up the back 100 yards from
the dressing booth.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

China claims to have invented the
photograph 1000 years ago. but II mas
almost lived II down.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

We Americans are an ingenious
race, as is evidenced by the woman
who took to drink because her hus-
band snored.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

Mrs. WinsIow's Soothing Syrup for Children
teething, softens the gums, reduces inhamma-
allays pain cures wind cole ,25c bottle.Aa
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

Boy scouts in France are known as
"eclaireurs" and little Willie naturally
wants to know IL they are chocolate
soldiers.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

Our notion of truly superior per-
son is the boy scout, who actually
looks down upon a college graduate!
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

The wise girl doesn't scream when
being kissed for fear of spelling the
kiss
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

Still the real test OF a Boy Scout
should be his willingness TO do the
chores around the house.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

While the wife Of his bosom is away
the average man feels as though he
were regularly melting buttons.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

II gasoline were cheaper it might be
genuine charity to give the CASTOR
automobiles to the poor.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

For mosquito bites apply Hanford's
Balsam Adv.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

Sandals are cooler than shoes and
cost less. Perhaps these are reasons
why SO few of us wear them.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

Beholdlng those Bulgarian bathing
suits. one gets new idea OF Balhdn
atrocities.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

Edison says there will be no poverty
100 years hence. Too late 10 90 us
any good.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

Only $4,000. 900 a year for corsets in
United States! That's certainly squeez
Ing dough out of the public.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

To Cure Sore and Tender Feet. -
Applv the wonderful. old reliable DIR fOh-
TitR'S ANTISEPTIC HEALING OIL 2Sc'
soc. 81 90.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

Blessings on the man who invented
the summer vacation!
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

one good rundown may eliminate
the necessity for another
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

Our respect for arctic explorers
rises with the mercury.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

There is only one way to account
for the recent excess of thunderstorms'
Picnics!
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

Keep cool and ii won't be half SO
hot
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

w. N. w., Houston, No. 34-1913.
Abbeville progress. (Abbeville, Vermilion Parish, La.) 1913-1944, 1913-08-23

HE palace of Holyrood."
observed X. L. Steven
son. has been set aside
in the growth OF Edin-
hn1rnh and ctanGc prnX
Amarillo daily news. [volume] (Amarillo, Tex.) 19??-current, 1913-02-04
YOUNG CROW HAD TO LEARN
Veteran Seaman Draws moral From
Fate OF Bird Who Refused 10
Listen 10 Its Elders.

There's nothing like experience.
said Captain Robert G. War; Of the
Campania. who has retired from sea
life after ~ years service When
the young and enthusiastic and bold
,sneer at the caution OF old age !
think OF two crows
Look at that beautiful woman In
the ~cornleld there'" a young crow
cried
Beautiful woman Nonsense re.
torted the old bird That's a scare
crow
Bu, how do you know It's a
%scarecrow7'
Because there's no man about.
DO you suppose a beautiful woman
would loaf all day long In one place
II there wasn't a man somewhere near
TO admire her.
TIN sure it's a beautiful vJman
insisted the young crow And tlrre.
too. Is a mans figure behind the
oak I'm going over to size her up
And the young crow few on. and
a gun banged and a few minutes
later he came lmping back with a
broken wing and a hole in his leg
Aha sneored the old crow YOU
youngsters are an alike-think YOU
know more about women than you
elders!
Amarillo daily news. [volume] (Amarillo, Tex.) 19??-current, 1913-02-04
tlsr pen aetrsys Her.

A MAI whose fountain pen requires
repairs. aud borrows his wife's to use
In the interval. has a chance 10 make
an interesting study A woman's pen
like a womans watch. has a psychol
ogy OF its own II betrays the fem
mime temperament In every move
ment
Generally you find that. 10 order 10
get the pen to write at all. you have
TO dip II TO n side. Cor women al
Ways write with the side or edge OF a
pen. II you a get Il 10 scratch a
little as n goes over the paper. Il will
write. II u can't u leaves the paper
blank. II you lay It down Cat on the
D 10 leaks Ink II betrays By its
general conduc, that u Is carried
wrong end up when not In action
or sometimes one end Up and some.
times the other
II Is n mystery Why a woman. who
a BE- so nea and orderly about her
house. and Who vii not let you dis.
place a dolly on the back OF a chair
a always BE- relied on 70 get a
watch out % order and demoralize a
zen
Amarillo daily news. [volume] (Amarillo, Tex.) 19??-current, 1913-02-04

spirit OF death mistakes the 90,
statue for the patieat himself and q,
ceiyed into thinsing him 20 b. . sc
troubles him 10 more d
When a Tibe'an Is accused OF hav
lng a demon, It Ia one Of the Nors
mlsfortunes that could befall him IL.
may appeal 10 the official a~dminisira
Tor OF justice. who himself often turns
away In fear from eputed victims lie
Is ostraclZed In the harshest ways ano
Is everywhere an outcast. and there
IL no hope for him unless he is able
TO consult an honorable member OF
the exorcist fraternity. Fees for this
AFFAIR are generally reckoned exorbi
tant. Even II the demon.possessed In.
diyidual a scrape together the fee
anything may happen to him The eS.
orcist may drive a nail into his temple
or stick a needle through his arm. or
prescribe repeated portions OF abomi
nable maize spiri, for a given number
VI Nafof bH' NhAsfffi Hlhf w INV hh
ture OF the remedy. the effects leave
the man generally 80 much OF a physi
cal wreck that he Is led to believe that
the demon has LEFT him. not without
giving him rather a had shakeup In
the departure When convalescent he
Is again allowed 10 become a decen,
member OF the community.
The Forbidden Land" Is lnclosed
between the Kuen ItU and Himalaya
mountains. and cover an area eight
times the size OF Great Britain Its
remote and almost inaccessible loca.
ton counts for much In the preserrs
ton OF racial peculiarities. making II
bet still the chronological museum oil
the world There are In all 100000
T!betans. subjects oi India and China
respectively They are supple and
graceful. and possess gentleness not
devoid OF hypocrisy The chief fea
sres OF the country are the 5000 nor
asteries. pcrched like fortresses upoi
the mountain rocke. symbols OF o
p~riestly tyranny which Is likely to pre-
vail for many a LONG DAY.
Amarillo daily news. [volume] (Amarillo, Tex.) 19??-current, 1913-02-04

upper reaches of the harbor. which
can only be reached by small craft.
the explosives being taken direct
from them into the magazines. Both
the land and water frontages are I'M
der constant watch by the police,
who at night have the assistance OF
trained dogs.
The Admiralty has also given In
structions for a great increase In
the oil fuel storage at Portsmouth.
which goes to confirm the reports
that all the new British battleships
and cruisers are to burn that fuel.
There are already rows OF great oil
tanks at Forton. ear Portsmouth.
and their number is to be largely
increased. New piers for unloading
tank steamers and loading the larg-
est warships arlso are under con-
struction.
Amarillo daily news. [volume] (Amarillo, Tex.) 19??-current, 1913-02-04
Use ZEMO--
Itching Vanishes!
Use ZEMO the New Wonder

At last a remedy for skin tortures
that makes everybody smile and say,
"Hoo-ray, I've found II at leastd'
ZEMO is really extraordinary. as any
man or woman can prove Immediate
ly at a cost of only a few cents. IL
you have that terrible fiery itching,
prickly heat, eczema, irritated or In
famed skin, blotches, pimples or
blackheads, you will marvel at the
result OF Zemo.
ZEMO is absolutely guaranteed to
stop itching; II gives Instant relief,
pain disappears, sores, rashes and
dandruff leave you.
ZEM0 Is sold In 25-cent and 81
bottles, or sent direct, on receipt Of
price. by +. w. Rose Medicine Co., ST.
Louis, Mo. Try a 25-cent bottle and
when convinced, get a 81 bottle which
contains six times as much as the
25-cent bottle.
Sold and guaranteed in Amarillo
by the Randall Drug Co. Adv.
Amarillo daily news. [volume] (Amarillo, Tex.) 19??-current, 1913-02-04
To Establish Tea Standards

NEW YORK. Feb. THE mem
bers OF the tea board recently ap-
pointed by Secretary of the Treasury
Macveagh met In this city today to
begin their task OF selecting the
standards OF pure tea to govern the
tea importations during the coming
season. The members OF the board
arc +. r. Rogers. Tacoma; C. f.
Wyman, 81. Paul; r. c. Morrison.
Chicago; Charles b. Blatt, San Fran
cisco: II. G.. Woodwork. Boston:
Herbert Perry. New York city, and
George F. Mitchell. the Treasury De-
partment's tea expert.
Amarillo daily news. [volume] (Amarillo, Tex.) 19??-current, 1913-02-04

The magazines of the Admiralty
throughout the United Kingdom are
being reconstructed so that they will
no longer be such good targets for
bombs dropped from a%eroplanes.
The first change has been made at
Portsmouth, where the heretofore
low brick and stone buildings have
been replaced by numerous semi
subterranean stores. These stores
have been constructed OF ferro-con-
crete. the roofs being covered with
three or four feet of earth. and turf
ed over to make each magazine an
insignificant object from above,
The sit selected is n n of the
Amarillo daily news. [volume] (Amarillo, Tex.) 19??-current, 1913-02-04

They say a '0t a51aI chat old man's
bad temps but D nu going % ties,
him
Then youu ln- lin tss,y-
Amarillo daily news. [volume] (Amarillo, Tex.) 19??-current, 1913-02-04

methods employed 90 cure
extremely weird one Do.
r-rs ur a clay ~
clothes His name Is
frrre which s
Ileg believe that De