The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1913-04-04
PILGRIM JOE.
Refusing Marriage Lays Him Up for q
Fortnight.


Fortnight.
Fifty thousand lives saved last year
A hundred thousand to be saved In
the next year.
Pilgrim Joe's remedies DID the trick.
Don't go to bed without them under
| your pillow.
Don't go to chop wood without q
bottle in your hind pocket.
In lots of communities they are car
ried to church on Sundays
They have saved lives at prayer meet
| ings.
Even druggists tax them home with
| them
School boards recommend them
| State prisons are never without
| supply.
| No shaking the bottle before using.
Just stir FER up and let FER burgle.
/ Don't wait till you are dead to find
out that you might h; We lived so years
! longer.
I had stayed over night at Dog Hill
! and sold over so bottles of my Pilgrim
Joe's Alleviator, besides winning $40
at poker, and so more by betting on
my own grasshopper ag'in big tum-
! bIebug, when I started out for the
| town of Desolashun. The early birds
We're singing their sweetest lays, the
summer sun warmed UP my back, and
! in my pocket was a liberal wad of
| the long green. Under these circum-
! stances I sang and I whistled, and I
| said to myself:
He that hath heart in which there
! is no guile can overcome a nation"
And also:
Honesty is the best policy, but a
good sized roll helpeth a critter to be
honest"
And further:
Let US lift up the downtrodden and
sorrer with the sorrering, as we walk
through life, but at the same time re-
member that 10 per cent profit is con-
cidered reasonable fgger the world
over"
Just before reaching the enterprising
burg with the desolate name I came
across a human hyena lying on his face
on the grass, and as halted my outfit
and asked why he sorrowed ne sat up
and wiped the tears from his eyes and
answered that man of innocent look
who hailed from Missouri had come
along and proposed a game of poker
for the out-fitting of the heather of
Africa with red f1annels for the winter.
The hyena had been worrying for two
weeks for fear the heather wouldn't
be supplied. and it was with gayety in
his soul and thankfulness in his heart
that he sat down to play. Finding the
other man IN amateur at the noble
game, he went in to win 100 bolts of
flannel right off the reel. He had four
aces to do it on, but alas when. the
showdown took place he found him
self scooped On straight flush He was
cleaned out to a dollar and hence his
sorrer and tears. I was about to read
him moral lecture on the sin of poker
and other games OF chance, when he
appealed to me to get down and give
him a show. He felt that Providence
might be on his side if he tried 1t again
and his heart was heavy for those
heather who would have to shiver
a Winfar
der the circumstances, and always
having felt to pity the heathens of all
countries, including America, when it
could be done without too heavy a
financial investment. I descended from
my wagon, and we were soon engaged
in the intricacies of the game
1 soon had cause to believe that the
sorrering man had way of palning
the cards, and when I was sure that
he had cheated me four or five times
l hardened my heart and resorted to
the practices of my ungodly days In
my youth a lightning rod man had
taught me a few tricks with cards to
assist me on life's journey, and 1 now
brought them to bear. I dealt the sor-
rering critter a flush and myself a
full house, and it warmed the cookies
of my heart to see the smile that came
to his face. He opened the pot and I
raised him. He raised me back, and
we had SIS in it when we both stood
pat. Notwithstanding what he had
said about being cleaned out, he pro-
duced a wad of the needfu1 and defied
me until we had $50 up. Then called
him and raked in the pot, at the same
time explaining that 80 per cent of
the money would be sent to the
heathens of Boston, and that all the
winter f1anne1s should be indicated.
I was going on to express my great
qualification that I had been chosen as
the humble instrument to bring this
flannel occasion about. when the old
hyena precipitated himself upon me.
and I had to fight for my life. The
struggle was long and fierce, but I
finally got in one on the point of the
chin, and he slumbered. While he was
thus occupied I took my departure,
wiping my bleeding nose on a tuft of
grass as I went. AS a looked back
over my shoulder when I was half a
mile away and saw that he was still
lying where he fell it occurred to me
to say to myself:
1.-THE world is made up of those who
have no guile, but at the same time
every mothers son of them will bear
watching"
On proceeding into the town I was
welcomed by the mayor in person. He
informed me that this was not his