Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1912-07-25
WHY HE WAS "HET" Up
FROM the Washington Star.

me tneater loboN. aIter tle NrSt act, SnaW-
ing on the cigar stump thar hc'd carefully
cached on entering the theator. ard talking
grouchily TO himself. The usual buttir Xxi
with the Whats the trouble. - question
came along. and then the fat man in :le
evening clothes exploded and lc, some OF
the crouch out of his system.
WHATS the matter?' he repeated.
There's Il hull lot the matter. I'm sore as
a butcher. I've got Il Crouch on bigger'n
:, half-ton polar bear on an August day.
I'm boiling inside of me like the middle of
Il molasses VAT in Il sugar cane factory.
and | won't begin to simmer down till 1
get 10 sleep.
, I'm suffering from ar acute case of
coatus-shirtus that's what. Its this blast
ed coat-shirt that I'm wearing that's got
me going.
DIE ever wear a coat-shirt: And if so.
! what's the w Where do they come
in? What internal good are they? How
does a coat-shirt come within ten billion
miles of equaling. much less beating out,
just "A plain. everyday shirt-shirt-one o.
the kind that you put the buttons in first
and then pull over your head afterward?
Answer me that. What in blazes do
these coat-shirt makers mean by claiming
that II coa,-shirt is as good as a shirt, hey?
I've been reading about Coat-shirts ever
since they We're invented. aud looking at
pictures of 'em i'm the back pages of maya
zines and wondering what they were all.
about, but l never fell for one of 'em Till
The other day. Didn't fall for 1T myself.
at that, but my wife did. She brought
three of EN- into my home and told mo
that, as they were the proper ink. why, 1t
was up TO me to nave EN- in stock thence
Onward and forever.
~ didnt make any fuss about it at the
time. I didn't know. then. how much dor
mant deviltry lay in a coat-shirt. Had no
idea of the tiendish depravity of the
things. nor of how they're just built and
devised and sold for the solitary purpose
of making male human beings mad and
frenz.ed and spiling hull evenings for 'em.
All of these pictures OF coat-shirts i'm the
back pages of the magazines make 'ern
look bully. The picture shows the coat
shirt in the act of being drawn on over
| the shoulders by a smiling duck with a
cute mustache and a pleased-all-over APP
pearance; but those pictures are phonies
and calculated to deceive. and you can
take it from me.
THE drawing 'em on over the shoulders
just like a coat, is all right. but when you
try to get them buttons i'm the blasted
things the misery begins. Any man who
Stands up before my face and tells me that
he's able to stick the studs in the front of
coat-shirt without Gathering himself into
"A temperature of liza and hating his wife
! and all her relations. is a-well, he's got
to show me. that's all.
You may get it through that top but
tonholc ard then again you may not, but
even III you do, the jabbing displaccs the
matching business again. and then you've
got to tumble around and grunt and growl
while you're finding the under buttonhole.
AL this stage of it you begin TO break out
in Il profuse prespiration. owing to the in
tense heat OF the room-tha rooms alway
like a Turkish bath, anyhow. when a fell
lows getting ready for the theater-and
your sweaty hands begin TO plant daubs
and SmudgeS all around the top button
hole. BY the time you do get the prong of
the stud through both of the buttonholcs
you're ready to tell your wife that her hair
is coming out in lunches and that she
looks ten years older to you than she
looked last week, and you feel like flag
cling the trip to the theater altogether and
going around the corner and getting soused
over "a game of pinochle.
when you get the prong through the
two buttonholes, you reach out to the
bureau to grab the under side of the stud
SOS to attach it to the upper side UNDER
meath. and in doing that you sort o. pull
the shirt with the movement of your
chest. and the top part OF the stud. that
you've groaned over to get into the two
~buttonholes. pops out and rolls away UNI
der the dresser, and you've got to bend
down and grope around under the bureau
for it, inhaling a lot of dust and feathers,
and when you finally locate it your hands
are as dirty as a chimney sweeps, all
though you're TOO mad to know it, and so,
when you begin the wretched performance
all over again, you're bound to get the
dOg-gOned coat-shirt as smudgy and sooty
as Il coal heavens dungarec Jacket. But
it's five minutes to S o'clock, as your wife
takes pains to remind you every half min
ute or so, and you're due to ride twep.v-
three blocks to the theater and YOU
haven't got the tickets yet. and so you've
got to stay with the blasted shirt and do
the best you can with 1T.
AT his stage of il your wife, who, for
a miracle. is herself ready in time. and
disgustingly cool and complacent-look.ng,
volunteers to help you out in getting the
studs into the shirt. but you're so ead-se
against her for having brought the coat
shirts into your home at all that you
round upon her freely for even venturing
to suggest such a thinS-and then you go
ahead with the job yourself. After about
ten minutes of effort such as no four
members OF a tug-o'-war team ever ex-
perienced in their lives you do get all three
of the studs into the limp and sudgy shirt,
! only to find that you've got the wrong
Hap overlaid. necessitating your removal
of the front collar button to the other side
SOS to make the thing match. BY this
Time you are ready to believe that your
wife Is secretly sending half OF the supply
of winter coal that you've ordered to her
poor relations up on the hill, and you're
not fit to be seen or heard.
well. after you get the studs in and
the collar buttons rugged out right YOU find
that you've forgot to put the link-cl,atn
uff bottoms into the attached cuffs OF the
c~oat-shirt. d. ever try to put link-cuffs
into the attached cuffs of a coat-slfirt af-
ter you got the shirt on: Well, you try 1t
once, that's all: You've got to be nineteen
different kinds of a hcad-liner ccntortionfst
to get away with the job. and ny tina. time