Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1912-12-16
At the End Of the Rainbow.
HARD RUN OF LUCK.
By WALT MASON.
By WALT MASON.

1T certainly have the worst luck OF any
man in the United States" complained
the undertaken. I've always been a
smoker, and 1 don't think any man got
more solid satisfaction out OF his pip'
than 1 did. smoked assiduously FOL
many years and finally I got so nervous
1 couldn't sleep. and the doctor told me
I'd have to quit smoking OF else io
populate one Of my own caskets.
ct would be highly inconvenent foi
me to die this winter. much as Ia IKE
to demonstrate my confidence In my own
line of goods. so I threw away my pipe
and sent a couple Of boxes Of good cigars
to the heather. That was several weeks
ago and since then l have been In
position to sympathize with old Tantalus'
whoever he was.
Before I quit smoking nobody ever Of
fered to give me any smoking materials.
but since that period my friends seem
determined to see that I am well sup
piled. 1 had birthday last week and
cigar holder and three boxes Of cigars
and a silver match safe and all the Inn
plements that go to make smokers IKE
one round of pleasure. Every time l
come downtown somebody wants me to
sample a favorite brand Of cigars. and L
expect it'll begin to rain cigarettes some
day when I'm around without my UNI
brella."
That's the way things always CO.
said Quigway. Its the contrariest old
years 1 carried heavy insurance on my
house and furniture. The insurance
amounted to more than the outfit was
worth, and had the fire fiend wiped II on
the map I'd have felt like congratulating
myself and setting up the ice cream to
the neighbors. There We're fires all
around me during those years. Every
once in awhile the lightning would get
busy and strike a barn or house and
leave nothing but a heap Of ashes. The
fool lightning would go out of its way to
hit some cheap old cow stable that WASH
worth SO or it would waste its energy
on tree or a haystack. but 1t lodged
my house every time. although that
house was fairly aching to be struck. /
began to think there was deliberate dis
elimination against me and thought of
starting new political party.
II had two gasoline stoves in the house
and hired girl who didn't know how
to operate either one of them. and had
every reason to believe that a disastrous
confiagration was inevitable. Gasoline ex-
plosions occurred in the happy homes
around me almost every day and hardly
ever sat on my front porch for an hour
without seeing somebody's kitchen roof
blown off, yet nothing happened at my
house. I was particular about seeing that
boxes of matches were left lying around
where the children could play with them,
AT last l became completely discour-
aged and concluded to let the insur-
ance lapse. There was no sense In pay
ing out good money to insure house
that simply wouldn't catch fire. So when
the agent came around to renew my
policy l told him to do some avaunting
while the signs were right.
well. sir, within q week after that in
surance lapsed the crazy old house
caught fire from spark from the CHM
ney and was burned to a crisp. The only
thing saved was bottle of soda water.
While the insurance was In force the
sparks used to come out of that CHM
ney by the bushel and roll down the
roof, and they couldn't coax the shingles
to take fire
I've had that sort of luck all my life.
i've always had horror of dogs. I'm
SO afraid of being bitten that / dream
about it and sit up in bed and yell. Three
years ago / bought a newly invented am
monia pistol If a dog attacked you. all
you had to do was to fire that pistol at
him, and he would be blinded and half
strangled. 1 carried that thing summer
and winter until last July, and there
wasn't dog in town that would come
within quarter Of a mile Of me. Then
L thought there was no use carrying the
weapon any longer, so gave 1t to a poor
man who had a bedridden wife and four
teen starving children to support.
The very next day a dog about the
size Of a giraffe came up and bit my per-
son in a number Of places. and had to
take the hydrophobia cure