Audubon County journal. (Exira, Iowa) 1884-1993, 1912-10-03

Til Audubon County TANNER has
1uanerous friends in the county who
nre as wise ON many things as he
w. but there is one thing that the
m1a5ority of them don't seem to
catch onto, and that us the ques-
tiDn of making COW stop bawa-
ing after her calf has BEEN taken
nwny to the butcher I'ldl explain.
Friends, did you ever stop to
think why q COW makes suchl ex-
traordiInary efforts to exercise her
bellows when she Loses her calf?
Well, she does 1T because her
heart breaks in two and one piece
tot 1T sticks up DIM her throat and
rnttles when she breathes. The
thing to do is to remove that half
a heart before she swallows it
again, which generally takes
week or two. Stand your COW unr
der the crab apple tree and press
her i'm the region OF the hIealrt with
y clot hes pin. If she kicks you
over the dog house and sprains you
lent ear. it's q sign that her heart
has been badly broken, and you
cam go at her with real confidence
After your wdhe picks up at the
other side OF the dog house you
Will ALSO be in a better frame OF
mind for revenge purposes, and
roA will progress more rapidly.
Brush the dust from your pants
and get step Ladder, Tie the
front legs OF the cow together
wath a log chain and pry her jaws
open with fence rail until they
nne far enough apart to ALLOW you
to 60 down the cows throat unmo-
iested. When you have the jaws
IN that position, stand three pieces
o6 cord wood between them SO as
to make sure that they won't close
while you are ON the inside, which
is liable to press the starch out of
your bosom. After you have made
certain that everything is safe,
get a rope and candle Tie the
rope around your waist and take
the candle. Climb up the ladder
and hang one end of the rope over
the crab applel limb, and hand this
end to your wife. When you are
or top OF the ladder, give her the
sigma to lowlsr you down in the
cows throat, strike the match on
cows teeth, light the candle and
keep your eyes skinned. When you
are down about three feet look
straight ahead and feel for the
heart with your left hand. On
discovering it hold tight and kick
both feet, which will let your wife
know that you, are ready for day
light. You can make the pull
easier for her by weighing from
side to side like the stopper in a
hottie. When you are nearly out
hold your hat tight, as the air sue
ton which PUSHES down the cows
throat to fill the yacuam left by
you, is apt to blow your hat off
and take it down to the place,
where you, found the half a heart.
The Loss of the hat might make
you and the cow bawl at the same.
time, which will be twice as bad
as it was before. Therefore,
say, hold your hat tight. After yru
are safely on, earth again take a
deep breath and smile Remove the
cord wood from the cows jaws
and unite her legs. You know the
cow wild now have only half a
heart left, butt that won't help to
shorten her life The result is that
after such an operation COW will
be next to a 1eartless creature,
and you never saw a heartbess crea-
ture get tears in it's eyes and
bawl, did you? Consequently when
her heart is reduced in size by
Dne-half, you cam take fifty calves
away from her in a day and she
won't say boo. Easy to realize,
isn't it? W
The reason advise you to get
your wife to manipulate the rope
while you are diving around in the
cows throat is because she will
naturally exercise more care than
would the hired man. The hired
man lis apt to release the rope at
the wrong moment and ALLOW you
TO go down too far. When this
is the case the whialoers on your
chin will tickle the cows epiglottis
and make her cough If she does,
and your coat tail stands up like
ehipsail, look out. You might
land in Audubon County and you
might land in England. There's no
established rule as to that. If you
should happen to be single man
eft her get marrrad tx,fnro VIZ, too