davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The fool-killer., 1912-12-01

All civilization bowls along on
ball bearings and rubber tires.
The legal profession, a mile in
the rear, jogs along in the same
old jolt wagon Of rusty precedent,
and the whole outfit yelling like
a pack Of Indians. Oh, that some
bold court would defy the Con-
stitution and insist on rubber
tires for all voices.
The fool-killer., 1912-12-01

the White House and try to get a
clerkship in some of the depart
ments. | almost forgot to tell We
that the rooster what swallered
the coin, was the Democratic roos.
ter, and now the poor feller is
dead. Boo-hoo!
The fool-killer., 1912-12-01
POOR OLD BIBLE.

Yes-sir-ee-bob! They have fixed
it at last. They have sure given
the old Bible a black eye this
time. For countless generations
the Bible has been able to stand
up against it's enemies, but what
it needs now is somebody to de-
liver it from its fool friends.
The following news item tells
most remarkable story. Put on
your specks and read it:
"What is regarded as most rad
ical version of the Holy Bible was
placed on sale in Philadelphia, Pa,
November 18th, at the American
Baptist Publication Society rooms.
It is Baptist Bible for Baptists only,
and much of the old text has been
entirely changed. Where it speaks
of baptism the word ''baptize" has
been cut out and ''immerse'' substi-
tuted, so as to conform with Baptist
teachings. The new Bible is called
the ~"Improved Version,'' and is
distinctly different from the old
Scriptures. Practically no other
church but the Baptist will be able
to use it, as it interprets the Scrip
lures to mean solely what the Bap-
fist church tAachas.,,
Read that again. Then close
your eyes and let the full force of
it sink into your soul.
A Baptist Bible!
Well, I do say!
Now if Mister Baptist can wade
into the Bible with his booger-
hooks and yank out all the words
that don't suit him and replace
them with others, why in the gee
whiz can't other denominations
do the same? Why can't Mister
Methodist go to work and get
him up a Bible containing the
word sprinkle in reference to
baptism?
Now that the Baptists have
broken the ice, we may expect
pretty soon to see all other de-
nominations blossom out with
Bibles of their own, containing
just whatever fool doctrine they
want it to contain. One gang of
goodikins can't work that racket
without giving all others the
The fool-killer., 1912-12-01
Religion, and So Forth.

When / go to the big meeting
and see half a dozen of the sisters
get happy and 60 alf-hammering
around over the house, shaking
their bustles and rats loose and
beating the men in the back, | can't
help wondering how long it will
be before they will be out among
the tattlers repeating some nasty
lie about somebody.
If they've got the real article
they won't do it. But the devil has
got SO much cheap imitation re-
ligion floating around these days
that it pays a-body to keep their
eyes open. The devil often has a
finer label on his canned religion
than the Lord has on His, but
there's big difference when you
open the can. The people have
been humbugged with the devils
religion so much that they are be-
ginning to distrust the whole thing.
It isn't right nor fair, but what are
you going to do about it2
Hanged if there amt something
terribly out of joint about all this
religion business, anyhow. l know
plenty ofold rich church members.
They live in fine houses, and have
money to throw at the birds, and
they allow members of their own
church to live right in their yards,
almost, and suffer for food and
clothing. And they wouldn't give
them ten cents to save them from
the hot place.
What's the matter? ..--s
Is it on account of the low-down
dishonesty of the poor brother, or
is it the internal hoggishness OF
the rich brother? Or is it bothg
Why ism t there more helpful and
brotherly spirit existing among
church members? Why? Whyl
And echo answers Why?
The fool-killer., 1912-12-01
A SERMON ON RATS.

Hello, girls! Dry up your gig
glety- CAB and listen. The pastor
of the flock is going to preach
you little sermon on Rats"
from the following text:
There was a certain grave
robber who went forth to rob the
graves of dead women. And it
came to pass that he pulled the
hair out by the roots from their
decaying scalps and sold it to the
living women for rats.
And that, beloved, is where the
false hair comes from. Did that
thought ever roost on the door
step of your imagination, or climb
in at the back window of your
memory?
But the girls and women of this
fast age-the beautiful painted
butterflies of frivolous Fashion
must have rats for their hair.
Fashion says stack it up high and
spread it out wide, and stuff it
and puff it to beat the band. And
when her own natural hair isn't
enough to build a monument to
Fashion on top of a girls head,
then what must the poor thing
do? Go to the hair-dealer and buy
it by the wagon-load. Haul it
home in a shuck- frame and stack
it on your bald spot. Fasten it on
with the garden rake and cap it
with a ROSTERS wing.
But don't ask the dealer where
the hair comes from. He might
not like to tell. It might hurt his
tender feelings to inform you
that your golden locks were
harvested by the light of the
moon from the grave of a total
stranger.
The greedy spirit of CONNER
cialism has invaded the grave
yard, and the god of Fashion
locks arms with the devil and the
gruesome traffic goes on. Maybe
you get some Of your rats from
other sources, but the bulk Of the
human hair Of commerce comes
from the helpless heads of those
who have laid life's burdens
down.
My-y-o! But the thought is
cruel and ere eepy to me! How
would you feel to go tip-toeing
down the path Of life with four
pounds of a cold, clammy corpse's
curls grated to your sky-piece?
l don't know how it fits the feel
in gs of other folks, but if should
wake up some morning and find
myselfin that fix, would at once
put on the market a blood-curd-
ling yell that would wake the
dead owner of that hair.
The fool-killer., 1912-12-01
A TERRIBLE MIX-UP.

Every noted feller has 'dou-.
ble.'' Maybe the un-noted fellers
have doubles, too, but they are
never discovered. Now q feller's
double, you know, is another
feller so much like the other feller
that you can't tell which the other
Teller is. And when them two fell
lers happen to meet for the first
time it is worth while to be hang
ing around.
Woodrow Wilson's double lives
(or did live) in Charlotte, NC. |
disremember his name, but that
don't matter. The points that the
Charlotte feller paid freight on
himself to Sea Girt, New Jersey,
for the purpose of getting his
name in the political pot.
Now you ought to have been
standing there just like was when
them two fellers got their lamps
on each other. They grabbed one
another by the fist and begun to
prance around there like they had
found mares nest and couldn't t
count the eggs, and in about three
shakes of sleeps tail l couldn't
tell t'other from which,
Well, Woodrow and his double
just had hee old time together
for few minutes, and then they
stepped back and begun to look at
each other sorter scared like.
saw at once what had happened.
They had simply got mixed up Sc
bad they couldn't tell t'other from
which, nuther. It was plum pitiful
to watch them stand there and try
to pick themselves out. Finally
they gave it,up and went to the
house to see what Mrs. Wilson
could do about it. She looked them
over and said one looked about
as much alike as the other, if not
more so. To save her life she coulc
not tell which was the next pres
ident, but she guessed it woulc
take 'em both to hold down the
job.
At last they concluded to settle
it by pitching a coin, and which
ever got heads would be Woodrow
The coin rolled off the porch anc
the old rooster swallered it. Their
they agreed that whichever coulc
catch the rooster would be Wood
row. So off they went, lickity
split, while Mrs. Wilson stood OF
the porch hollered "Sick 'em.'
The old rooster riz and flew
straight toward Bermuda. One O
the pursuers gave it up and quit
but the other chartered boat anc
went on. It happened to be tht
Charlotte feller that went on
although neither of them have tn.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1912-10-18
THOUGHT IT WAS IMITATION
barney Weller Was Fond Of Jokes,
But Rooster Under HE Bed 7
! Was Too Much.

/ Barney Weller was about the fun.
niest fellow you ever saw. He was
always making people laugh by play.
ing jokes on somebody, and he put up
q game on victim every day in tho
week. He was in Chicago at big
hotel on one occasion when the butt
of one Of his jokes sought revenge
by securing live rooster and tying
It under Barney's bed at night.
At three o'clock In the morning the
rooster turned up for his first vocal
selection and let out a long, shrill
crow. The second performance Of
this kind was too much for the humor|
list. He dressed himself hastily and
rushed down to the night clerk.
"Give me my bill!" he said fierce,
ly. I'm going to get out Of this
place!"
"But please tell me what the
trouble u.s." suggested the night
clerk.
"That don't matter" said Weller
angrily. "I'm going to get out Of
here and get out quick!"
"At least" begged the clerk, '1et
us know what is the matter with the
hotel before you CO."
"Well," exploded Weller, there's d
crazy fool next door to me who thinks
this place is a henhouse. He's spent
the last two hours trying to initiate q
rooster."-Popular Magazine.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1912-10-18
An Inasniou. Russ.

Herodotus tells of an ingenious rusp
employed to carry an important mes
sage through the lines of the enemy.
Histiaeus. being anxious to give Aris-
tagoras orders to revolt. could think OF
no means to send the message to his
ally, as all the roads We're carefully
guarded. Finally he hit upon a scheme.
Calling his trustiest servant to him. he
ordered that the mans hair be shaver
of. He then pricked the desired mes.
sage on the scalp Of the slave and
waiting until his hair was grown out.
dispatched him upon the errand. The
messenger passed safely through the
lines, and when he reached Aristagoras
his head was again shaved and the
message read.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1912-10-18
Diamond Cut Diamond.

II learned something new the Other
day" said the father of boy who Il
prone to playing hockey from school
1.-THE letter carrier makes his first
delivery about the time we are all al
breakfast. noticed that when thd
bell rang my boy would sometime1
hurry down before any one else could
get ahead of him. although he wa}
naturally so lazy that usually yod
couldn't get him to go at all.
"This set me thinking. soon found
out that he ran downstairs to the lett
;ter-box only when the previous DAY
had been a fine one. I followed him
and caught him in the act of DESTROY
ing postal card his teacher had sent
to me, stating that the boy had beer
absent from school.
1T was a neat little trick, but !
managed to checkmate him all righi
by having the teacher send the card ta
my place Of business downtown"
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1912-10-18
CARIBOU IS FASTEST RUNNER
Maine Woodsman Tells Of sssIno
Greyhound Left Behind BY
l Herd Of Four. ).

-1
In Maine it d contended that the
caribou can outrun any other animal.
According to the testimony Of one
:woodsman, caribou left behind a grey.
hound that had been matched against
them.
A guide succeeded in starting the
dog after some caribou-a herd Of
four standing like statues on the ice of
one Of the big ponds in the region
along the west branch of the Penob.
scot.
! Now, the caribou trots, instead Of
running, like most other wild animals.
In the present case there had been q
plentiful fan of snow. a rain which
had formed a thick crust. and then an
other fall Of snow, all of which consti1
tuted the very finest surface wherein
to hold a race of this description!
When the greyhound was loosed its
owner confidently expected that It
would outrun the caribou.
When the caribou woke up and hit
their pace 1t was sight to see them.
They did not appear to be proceeding
with much speed, but as the hound
drew up on them they increased their
pace. The hound was doing his very
best, but made no Roadway against
the caribou at all. The dog stuck to II
with courage, but before 1t was half
way across the pond the caribou had
reached the other side and disappear.
ed In the woods.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1912-10-18
How I'll. Great Penguin Matches.

How the Great Penguin Matches.
The great penguin Of the southern cir.
Gle. standing with its head as high as
mans waist. matches its eggs in ~
peculiar manner. These are not laid
upon the ground and brooded on after
the manner Of most birds eggs. The
female lays two large eggs. The first
she hands over to the male bird, tho
other she keeps. The egg is held or
the upper surface of the large fiat fec:.
and is pushed up under the waistcoat
Of thick feathers. 1t is there held close
to the body whose warmth gradually
vitalizes the young bird. So tenacious
are the parent birds Of this grip that i +
you knock one of them over it will fail
on its back with it's feet stuck stinly
out. still clutching the egg to its body.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1912-10-18
Hats In Parliament.

A member Of parliament must never
stand up with his hat on even If he
has only risen to speak to the man be-
hind him. Coming in. going out or
speechifying he is always hatless and
he Is sometimes hatless when sitting
down. Thus If the speaker mentions
bill the member is responsible for he
lifts his hat. If his name is mentioned
in a speech he lifts his hat. Even If
he happens at those times to be bare
headed he must seize hat, put It on.
then lift it.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1912-10-18
A Curious Tombstone.

Upton, near Peterborough, one Of
the smallest parishes in England, num-
bering only fourteen houses, possesses
a tombstone of black marble, which
becomes damp in patches whenever
rain is about to fall 1t is regarded in
the village as an infallible barometer.
This tombstone is. presumably, the
English equivalent to the weeping
cherub at Amiens cathedral.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1912-10-18
Shot an Angel.

Now and again we hear Of strange
and rare birds being shot in England,
but how many sportsmen except Mr..
Wells clergyman can claim to have
shot an angel? One such man exists.
though it is doubtful whether he is
proud of his skill. 1t was nighttime,
and he was passing Crawford parish
churchyard with his gun over his Shout
der when he saw what he took for a
ghost. He leveled his piece and fired.
but his aim was wild. He had failed
to wing his quarry. Investigation show
ed that the ghost was sculptured an
gel OH a tomb, and he had shot of one
of it's toes. He admits now it was not
a ghost he saw.-London Chronicle.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1912-10-18
Te.t For Exe.iaht.

An interesting test for eyesight may
be had by observing Ursa Major-the
Great Bear-on a clear starlit night.
Not every one is aware that Mizar, the
second star in the constellation, is
double star. To observe. this doublet
demands good vision. Some starry
night look up to the sky and SEQ II you
can rest content in the knowledge that
your eyesight is not defective.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1912-10-18
Masesnst : Tsssnty HI Crit

Alasssnst : Tsssnty III Grill
II the seventh child Of q family =,
credited. as It not uncommonly 4. withi
mystical gifts, It would seem % fol-
low that q twenty-nrst child should
be possessed of some extraordinary
talent. However that may b. Mas
senet. who had twenty brothers and
sisters to precede him. very early de-
veloped pronounced musical tastes and
at the age of nine he played q Beetho-
ven sonata for an examination, through
which he came successfully. 80 West
Gazette.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1912-10-18
every sy.I.-.,;e.

\ There are many stories told Of tn
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS rt.'in English nninps
TINT Of t'hDiinpade'cy. prunrunc.'
Chum!ey. generally finding a l,!;fce III
the list. A story. told Of Lard (hoi.
nlon1e,cy. gives II possible reason TO
trl agDlarity III RECOMMENDATIONS.
Lord Cholmondcley WIS one day
leaving his own house. when he Oh.
conntered an American. who. not
Knowing his lordship lily sight. asked
him If Lord Chol-mon -te-ley. pronolnr.
ing each syllable distinctly. was at
home.
''No." replied the peer. without any
hesitation. NOR any Of his people,
Youths Companion.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1912-10-18
Where chattsrton Died.

Brooke street bears the name Of that
Lord Brooke who was murdered by an
ungrateful dependent. It is connected
with still more pathetic tragedy. On
Aug. "a. ITO, the boy poet. Chatterton.
poisoned himself at the house Of Mrs.
Angel in this street after tearing up
all his manuscripts. The house in
which Chatterton died was the second
from Holborn on the west side. It was
pulled down about twenty years ago.
having previously been altered almost
beyond recognition.-London Spectator.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1912-10-18
TaIle.t Tree In the World.

: Ialtest Tree In the World.
The tallest tree in the world is the
Australian eucalyptus, reaching total
altitude Of 480 feet. The biggest are
the mammoth trees Of California. some
Of which are 276 to 376 feet in height
and 108 feet in circumference at the
base. From measurements of the
rings 1t Is believed that some of these
trees are from 1000 to $500 years old,
The Oldest tree in the world is said to
be on the island Of Kos, of the coast
of Asia Minor. It is several thousand
years old. but just how many no one
has dared to say. The tree is carefully
preserved by wall Of masonry around
It, and the trunk is 80 feet in circum'
ference.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1912-10-18
Too Many In tho PARTY,

A certain knight Of Spain, as high
In birth as king. as Catholic as the
pope. and equal to Job in poverty,
arriving one night at an inn in
France. knocked long time at the
gate till he had alarmed the land,
lord. who is there?" said the host
looking out Of the window. don
Juan Pedro" replied the spaniard;
Hernandez. Rodriguez de villanovai
Count of Malaria, knight Santiago
and Alcantara." II am very sorry
replied the landlord, shutting the
window. "but / have not rooms
enough In my house for all the gen.
nemen you have mentioned.-Life.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1912-10-18
To Cure Snoring.

"At a banquet" said an editor, II
once heard Jerome X. Jerome make a
speech on snoring. remember that 1t
ended with these words: TO cure snor-
ing it is advised that a piece Of soap
be dropped into the mouth of the snor-
er. The oil in the soap will lubricate
the pharynx and other Latin parts Of
the throat. This remedy must be ap-
piled with caution; otherwise the snor-
er will arise and lubricate the floor
with the person who dropped in the
soap.'"
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1912-10-18
More True Than Funny.

SLOWS Jennie and Bill?'
Gail right. I guess. They're nvin' in
a downtown hotel"
'"They are? Why? Why amt they
keepin' house. now that they've got
married?'
"Well. they thought they wouldn't go
to housekeepin' for awhile"
"Why not?"
''They're waitin' to get rich enough
to be able to buy furniture that will
look we'll in the same room with the
same stuff they got fer wedding pres
ents. Plain Dealer.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1912-10-18
HAS MADE FORTUNE.

N. g. scram OF Seattle, Wash. Q
graduate Of the Mankato Commercial
College six years ago, has made won.
derful success, and attributes Il to the
training he received at the Mankato
Commercial College. He says he IL
worth $4,000 al Q result OF his bust.
ness training ana that there q moth
Ing like business education II one
wants to succeed IN life.
Write q postal to the Mankato Com.
msrctal College. Mankato, Mimi, for
their free catalogue and special offer.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1912-10-18
A FootstooI Church.

Mr.. Raymond Unwin told story re-
lating to the building Of st. Johns
church, South square, Westminster.
The architect, he said, was reputed to
have worried Queen Anne about tho
design. Her majesty. at length losing
patience, kicked her footstool over and
remarked in anger, Build it like that!''
The architect fulfilled the royal wishes,
and the church was built as It stands
today-with the corners protruding up
ward like the four legs Of q stool
Reynolds Newspaper.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1912-10-18
Domestic Diplomacy.

"Henry!"
eyes, my dear"
"There's 60 cents missing from YOU,
pay envelope"
Eyes, love-"
"Well. what did you do with it,"
"Don't be crazy. dearest. I'll ey.
plain. You remember, don't you. that
I've been calling you up every day to
tell you how much loved you?'
81 remember perfectly. but what has
that to do with the 60 cents?"
"Why, you see, sweetheart. the boss
charged me 10 cents for each telephone
CALL"
Yes, dear reader. She believed it,
st. Louis Post-Dispatch.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1912-10-18
Cruel Rst,.k.

't0h. Marie" said Peterhv. fgverfsh-
y, a. he fell to his knees o. : nght
OF the lamp shone nereel O. . of
his bald head. "why ~ ~
'Yesr You know Ia e. llisi ss.sl3
Oh. don't, NJ = q risa|
Marie wrinsing ase
don't, WIZ. e ron = -
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1912-10-18
A Life Saver.

Nell-She's very strong swimmer.
I wonder If she ever saved anybody's
life? Belle-Well. Chollie saphedde
said he couldn't live without her and
she has promised to marry him.
Philadelphia Record.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1912-10-18
In Kind.

PA, the streets Of Venice .are all
water. amt they9n
''Yes. my son.
Then. pa. would you call tho people
Of Venice floating population bal
timore Amsrican.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1912-10-18
Good Luck.

'Tommy," said his brother, you're
regular little glutton. How can you
eat so much?'
"Don't know. It's just good luck"
replied the youngster.-C Christian Intel
ligencer.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1912-10-18

y
Citation and notice hearing proof of for
The State of North Dakota to the above
named respondents and all persons inter
ested in the estate of ]. H. Carleton, de-
You. and each of you are hereby notified
that James r. Carleton. John J. Carleton
and A. n. Schanke the petitioners herein.
% and dee tn s e e9gr S the
the city of Iowa Falls in the county of Hard
in and state of Iowa deceased, and the pro-
bate thereof in the state of Iowa duly auth
the admission to probate of said document
as the last will of said deceased, and for
the issuance to james p. Carleton, John ].
ementary thereon. and that the said petit
ton and the proofs of said purported will.
will be heard and duly considered by this
court on Saturday. the 9Th day of .Noven1-
of that day, at the court rooms of this court.
In the county court house, in the city of
Cavalier, county of Pembina and state of
hereby Cited ths
court at said time and place and answer
said petition and show cause. If any there
be. Why the prayer of said petition should
= BY the court.
II. 6. Wick,
Judge of county court. 4,
Dftsd t the th day q sfsptsmbs1
made by publication once each week for
three eucceeeivew weeks In the Pioneer Ex-
prsss weeklX nsYspaRer printed and
North Dakota as provided by law. An
re9podent0 being non residents of the state
of North Dakota.
II. g. WICK.
IS 4. $50 County Judge.