davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28
10 smuoqIed Chinese pepcrt,

TO VTHTTIor E~FVFFWW
San Francisco, Cal.-The Pacific
Mail liner Manchuria, which was
aged by fire here Sunday, left for the
Orient carrying eighteen Chinese re-
Gently smuggled into San Francisco
on the launch Morning Star.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28
TWO RussIan Avjatora kllIea

Sebastopol, Russia.-A double aero
plane fatality occurred here. Sub
Lieut.. Albokrinoff and his assistant
we're making a flight in a Farman bi.
plane at the flying ground attached to
the military aviation school.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28

Why do sociologists declare that a
man cannot live on $500 a year when
lots of them are supporting families
on no greater wages?
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28

Whenever a warship and an ocean
liner collide, the warship generally
gets the worst of IT. All Of which
speaks well for the fighting qualities
Of warships.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28

A statistician informs us that there
are ITO, 0O0,0 900 English speaking peo-
pie, but he does not tell US how many
of them speak English.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28

A Chicago man returned home the
other day and found two wives at the
station to greet him. OF the warmth
Of his welcome there can be no doubt.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28

No United States senator OF the
first class has lent 1t 1.-THE Roosevelt
moyement) his indorsement.-Wnsh-
ington dispatch.
Regards to Senator Dlxcnl
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28

New York m~illionaires sometimes
make good use of their money, even
If the methods by which they acquired
1t cannot be commended.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28

One Of our scientists tells US that
poets are mad, but they are not half
as mad as the editor who is flooded
with spring poems.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28

Five Ecuadorean generals have been
banged, but 1t is said that Ecuadorean
generals can be found hanging around
almost any street corner.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28

Sparrows have been taught to sing
like canaries, but we have lost all
hope in the cultivation of the feline
voice.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28

The New Yorker who was sent to
Jail for the theft of a loaf of bread is
looked upon by his fellow New York
ers as 3 piker.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28

Tom Edison says there will be no
poverty in 100 years. but in the mean
time the ultimate consumer is not in
danger of dying rich.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28

BefouIed His Honor and Word.
His ambition has made mince meat
Of any common sense he ever owned.
His honor and his word are befouled.
Burlington tIa.) Gazette.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28

Reckless joy riders should be put
to work on the streets and roads.
Then their speed could be utilized
with poetic justice.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28

London T-Dr. Spitta, the kings BAG
teriologist declares telephone recei,
ers and mouthpieces do not carry al
ease germs.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28

Dogs once ran under the wagon
10Y they ride on the seat of the
automobile.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28

A prominent dentist says false
teeth are more sanitary than real
ones. This is a reflection on nature.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28

What's in a name? An expert in
forms us that clam chowder is being
made out OF jack rabbits.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28

A New York sculptor killed himself
because his work was inartistic, so
he must have hated the thought of
making money.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28

No n likes to discuss the trou-
bles in Chihuahua because no n
can pronounce the name of the prov
tnce.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28

A Texas preacher arises to remark
that a man will not tell a lie if the
truth is easier, The preacher is not
a fisherman.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28

A scientist tells US how to find out
the age Of a fish. But what rule can
he give us for finding the size Of a
fish?
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28

The hatless man and the slippered
woman r two of a kind this
weather.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28

Egg-shaped bonnets will be worn
for Easter. Another dastardly plot
on the part Of the milliners to raise
the price.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28

Tine for the weather man to stop
his lad guessing.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28

An Ohio nan advertises for a home
ly wife. And in leap year, too.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28

A Chicago man wants a divorce be-
cause his wife refuses to cook. What
a ridiculous plea,
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28

The auto for many purposes has
pushed the horse aside, but 1t will
eve do for an equestrian statue.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28

No, gentle reader, there is no re-
semblance between the turkey trot
and the chicken reel.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28

A bee travels $4,000 miles to get a
pound of honey, but bees are not both
cred by railroad rates.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28

A heart throb specialist tells us that
1t is possible to marry On $40 a week.
But why7
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28

Ayiators are doing wonderful
stunts. but the toll of death Toes not
stop.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28

Any mar who tells you that he
habftually works IS hours a day exag-
gerates at least six hours.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28

If New York is to have hold-ups, It
should restore the old stage coach.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28

The small boy with bat and ball
beat the robin to the green swards.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-03-28

Keep your oyercoat handy.
The Washington times., 1912-12-27
on the Old Block.

Mr.. Santa Claus. who in real life
IL q wealthy manufacturer. entered .
BROADWAY florists store the day he
fore Christmas and ordered eleven
bouquets, all to be sent to show girls.
One Of the bouquets was what
small boy would call q "whopper,"
and its cost was correspondin.ly big.
"By tho way" said Mr.. Santa Claus
before leaving the store. you've
given me q wholesale rate on those
flowers. II my son drops in give
him the wholesale rate. too. will you?
He's an innocent lad. my boy IL. and
he probably will want few hunches
Of carnations for his youn1 lady
friends" A hour afterward the son
ordered q bouquet twice as big as
the "whopper" and consigned 1t to
the same young woman to whom the
father had sent his largest floral Of
fcring. Moral: It's q wise father that
knows his own son.
The Washington times., 1912-12-27
Good Investment,
N Italian organ grinder p

A. N Italian organ grinder possessed
~ a monkey which he worked"
n through the summer months.
When the cool days Of the fall
came lis business fell of. and he dis
continued his walks and his melodier.
An Irishman Of his acquaintance offered
him 10 cents q day for tho privilege Of
keeping and feeding the little beast. Tho
bargain was made for a month.
Great curiosity filled the mind OF the
Italian. and ut last, unable to restrain
himself, he went ostens!bly to zee his
pet, hut really TO find what possible use
Pat could make Of the monkey. The
Irirhman was frank.
'lt is loike this" he said: II put up a
pole In me. back yard with the monk OH
the top. Tin or twelve thrains OF
cars loaded with coal so by every even.
There's thramps on every car. Every
wan takes q heave at the monk. DiviI
u man has hit him. but oi have II tons
Of cosl~-Argonaut
The Washington times., 1912-12-27
BUT, WHY IS IT DEGRADING?

1T has been said that the Kent profesorshp would be
dgnRed President Taft his retirement pac.
ce his But why should that be? The Kent
profesorshp years from nnocuous dsuetude
Yale abandoning book and lecture method Of the DID,
venona kind under which Mr. Taft studied and adopting the
system instituted by Aso Law honorable profes.
With still provincial than Engineering Medicine
is expanding its vision and undermining its procedure And A.
ALL does acquire his dignity and the confidence Of his
holds He has it he has Glove
ending his days Princeton and Roosevelt writing articles for
weekly paper lost, cubit in stature
The Washington times., 1912-12-27

the busted shoe an safety pin kind.
mean-'cept round Christmas. an
then, by gosh. the woods is full Wv
EN-. JUS to make yer heart ache an
sour yer expectations! ! seen q couple
Of things las night. goin' home. that'd
keep me from lettin' loose my giriish
laughter. even II some one dumped n
diamond 1abot In my lap. which they
amt goin' to do.
Blue? Why. say, II wouldn't tickle
me none II knew that Pierpont Nor
gan felt he owed his life to me! I'm
that blue that q canvasback'd be AZ
ashes an asafoetida on my tongue!"
"oh. Connie. Connie. drop IT," urged.
Il come to you to be cheered up an
here you 10 and turn on the cemetery
stop. Tell me about the next Of the
blasters. Hurry up. do.'
He was a beauty doctor an I wux
sicked onto him by q frien' Wv my Girl
frien's. She had a liver spot on her
face what made her look like shed been
careless eatip' q licorice. an he turned
It the grandest salmon pink youh ever
seen. 80 I went to him to have some
eyelashes grew. I amt got none on the
bottom shelf. y'know.
&c. he had q roarin' business! Easy
money? Why. jus. like takin' lather
frum q barber. he got his! II yuh could
a seen the line NV screams he cor
rallied In his shop yuh'd never get over
It. Women weIghin' easy two fifteen. on
the hoof. with a family NV chins, frum
the baby size up. an shapes like The
Times building. waitin' to be turned
| nkosr m N hat
crawlin' on floors an things!
skinny old maids. what had to use
magnets to keep their clothes from
fallin' on. dead sure they wuz goin' to
have q ravishin' figure In two weeks
that'd make a salome hide behind the
woodpile! An at IS a throw. too. Why.
robbin' a bank. includin' the murder Nv
the crippled an deaf night watchman.
would be a pure an spotless pastime
compared to the way he got his ma
suma!
"Well, went to have the eyelashes
grew. an. by gosh, he got stuck on me.
An I thought to myself: Here's where
I get added beauty TO my gesicht fer
nothin'!' So even though I wouldn't
a been seen goin through Worth street
with him In public. pretended I wuz
mushy-waitin' hll the time for the
fringe to sprout. Then wuz goin' to
print a chaste. farewell kiss on his bay.
| rummed brow an beat It.
Say. d'yuh know what grew? FEA.
| THEIRS! Yes, sir, they wuz Just like
that marabout stun, an the sicklies'
yaller you ever seen. Why. I looked
like an unripe chicken. An there hs
had guaranteed to make me have
| ll,~s In yhnt
The Washington times., 1912-12-27
Good Stories
A Dull Job.

TT was Saturday noon and the school
teacher passing along the road was
L surprised to see the ordinarily over
active Tommy sitting disconsolatsly
beneath . tree in front o. the school
house.
"Why. Tommy. my boy" he said.
pausing on his way. what 10 the mat
ter? Anything gone wrong?
"Nope." said Tommy. giving an I'm.
patient wiggie.
"Where are the rest OF the boys?''
asked the schoolmaster. "They haven't
run away from you. have they?'
Gone home to lunch" growled Tom.
my, trying to talk and whistle both Al
the same time.
well. why don't you 60 homo ia
lunch. too?' laughed the teacher.
Cant" said Tommy. You see. Mr..
slimpsey. we're playin' war. and I've
got to stay here until the other fsl-
lows get hack. I'm the armistice."-
Judges Library.
The Washington times., 1912-12-27
WILLIAMSBURG Records.

Walk through the streets of Williams
burg and you will meet hundreds OF
stout. cheerful. prosperous-looktng folk.
Everyone in Williamsburg appears to
be goot-natured.- and yet official sta
tistics show that. according to popula-
tinn. there are more suicides in Will
liamsburg than in any other place In
the United States. The records Of the
firc department show that there are
more incendiary fires in Williamsburg
than In any other section Of the city.
The Washington times., 1912-12-27
Fisherman's Luck.

IN the Catskiii foothills . New York
travelling man who was making .
i trip overland passed an old man
who was fishing with hook and line
In small stream. As the drummer
drove by in buggy the old man never
took his eyes on the bobber In the
water.
When the travelling man returned late
In the afternoon he was greatly sur
prised to see the old man still in the
same position. with his eyes glued on
the bobber.
Hello. uncle!" he shouted. ANY luck
today?"
Without taking his case OF the cork.
which rested on the surface Of the
placid stream. the old man replied:
HAD a nibble long about noon
Judges Library.
The Washington times., 1912-12-27
ANYTHING HE WANTS.

The people United States will pleased Colonel
Goetas honored any appropriate the Govenorshp Of the
job wishes have him
first last and all the time and only that pays but $4,000
year, which is S. 900 less than he receives.
The splendid work done by this army engineer suggests again
what fine lot Of talent the country has in the graduates from West
Point Colonel Goethas put in charge Of the building Of the
when civilians who thought be
the Of accomplishing big things failed the
undertaking It glorious feather in the armys
The Washington times., 1912-12-27
Giving Pa a Treat.

a n r. SMITH had the habit Of
NH lighting his cigar after dinner.
kVx putting 1t for while and then
laying II down on the ash tray.
Later he would rclight 1t and finish
his smoke. Often three or four unfin.
ished cigars would be on the tray.
One day his small son. sitting near by,
watched his father light one OF the
short variety and said:
"How do you like that one. papa!"
This. my son. Is a very good cigar"
replied the father. blowing long pufPs
into the air.
II thought you'd like 1t. papa. ! found
II in the gutter outside. ."-London Mail,
The Washington times., 1912-12-27
Poor Girl!

(CY = OW long have you been mar.
VII ried:" 1T will be six
months next Thursday."
"And do you still regard
your husband as the most wonderful
man who ever was born?" Then the
poor girl broke down and sobbed pite.
ously. When she could trust herself
to speak again. she said: mo. Charles
has disappointed me terribly. I'm AZ
fraid have wre.wrecked my li-life.
Last night when asked him to get up
and see II there wasn't a burglar In
our room he bumped his nose against
the edge Of the open door and he said
three simply awful swear words Just q
II they came natural to him."-San
Francisco Star.
The Washington times., 1912-12-27

After that mature reflection where passion warp
judgment the conclusion inevitable that the trial Of Nathaniel Green
for the criminal oense alleged against him should be held without
the delay Of avodab hour and IL he be found guilty just punish
be inflicted In Of character civilization cannot
afford traffic with either squeamness expedieny Whatever
latitude the law has in other places either the way Of impulse
procanaon should be impossible in the city designated the
capital the United States We inheritance Of freedom
that the Of this country be nvoate Nathaniel Green should
be put on trial forthwith ....
The Washington times., 1912-12-27
A Message of Appreciation

The The washington Times
gratitude excellent given to s Christmas
appeals under the head Of Fourteen Opportunities"
subscribed asked for s evidence both
ncnaons Of the people Of Washington and Of
splendid publicity the need through the columns Of
Times.
the people have
promptly of the society for their invaluable
help. Very respectfully
CORCORAN THOM, President
8. LINCOLN,
Chairman, Special Committee.
The Washington times., 1912-12-27
lack Ashore.

A sailor with. III. 9. 8. Hancock" on
the band Of his cap was q passenger
on a Fifth avenue car. Brooklyn, on
Tuesday morning. The car was bound
for Bay Ridge and became stalled IN
the heavy snowstorm. Among the
other passengerg were a dozen cold
looking children. who did their best
to keep warm by stamping their feet
ana rubbing their hands. Gee!
wish had something to eat." said
one Of tho youngsters after the de-
lay had lasted half an hour. I'm
starved" 80 are wet" cried others.
The sailor looked at the children q
moment. then left the car and In a
few minutes returned loaded down
with cakes. pic. crullers and buns.
which he had purchased at . nearby
bakery. He distributed them ameaS
the youngsters. who sased on him with
open-eyed wonder. Fill in. my hear
ties!' he said. And they did. When
he left the car they gave him . cheer.
There is something about the sea which
makes q man big.hearted and generous.
Who ever heard Of mean sailor?
The Washington times., 1912-12-27
AT the Old Track.

There's joy around old sheepshead
track.
They hear that racing may come
back:
They have had airships down that
way
And auto contests near the Bay.
Beth were exciting-yes. of course:
But, my! oh. my! 1t taxes the horse
To bring the crowds OF spenders
back.
That's why thore's 10Y round Sleeps
head track.
The Washington times., 1912-12-27
Soldiers True.

The shades Of night were falling fast
When through an upstate village
passed
Brave souls who bore mid snow and ice
A banner bearing this device:
VOTES FOR WOMEN
"Oh. stay and rest your blIstered feet.
This frightful task you can't complete!"
Kind people cried. "No" they said.
And pointed to the words which read:
VOTES FOR WOMEN!'
The Washington times., 1912-12-27
THE WRITING ON THE WALL.

The figures the presidential election confirm the reec
published this weeks the significant
increase in the Socialist vote.
According figures the total for 1912 i45 227
larger tnan it was for 1908.
Wilson poed e2ss454 decrease Of liseso Bans vote
in 1908.
Tafts 3,48498O.
Roosevelts vote 4, 1883.
The combined Of Taft and Roosevelt 1880 less than
the Taft of 90S
But Socialist 900627. The Socialist in 1908
42os3 Therefore the Socialist increased than 100
per cent in four years..
Back the Socialist party there is not subsidized
supported only the small monthly contributions Of its
bc But doesn't emerge into violent activity just before elections
campaigning all the time. and the impressive increase the vote
Of party indicates lack Of support for Governor Wilson's dic
that the history Of liberty the history Of the limitations Of the
powers Of Government"
In other ways aso this Socialist vote worth thinking about
1t is portentous be treated with indifference.
The Washington times., 1912-12-27
Mostly Fiction.

Customer-What have You in the
way OF summer fiction?
New wsdcaler---We have the platforms
Of all the parties and the late candt-
dates speeches.-Life,
The Washington times., 1912-12-27
Not q Mellen Record.

John Campbell. whose home 10 in
Pittsburgh. has run p locomotive for
forty-eight years without killing man.
but Charles s. Mullen couldn't pry
Campbell out OF his Job and make him
spoil his record.
The Washington times., 1912-12-27

as she rang the
bar for four royal
smiles to be sent
up to &.
"Uh-huh." I an
swered.
II thought 80. I
thought I seen II
on a satin tickkt
W h a I CO m es in
. o m Q cigarettes
o n I. W ell. It's
funny. but ! never
The Washington times., 1912-12-27
AHectiOnate.

scads-Blnks is lucky old dog: his
wife fairly worships him!
Stacks--Yes; but she carries It too far
nc u etimes. I was out the 10 to Dime"
une xpectcdly the other day. and she
The Washington times., 1912-12-27
Conquests Of Constance
BIZ ALMA WOODWARD
The Beauty Doctor.

~ AY. isn't there some quotation
that says The poor we haye
~ always with u.s. or something
like that" asked Constance.
The Washington times., 1912-12-27
In Old Cravesend.

The passing Of the old Town Han
oravessnd. which for years was In,
throne OF John r. McKans. recalls thai
once when McKans rearransed the elec.
ton districts Of 0ravesend and Sheeps.
head Bay he made them all wedge.
shaped. with the thin edge Of the wedge
entering Town Hall. In other words.
the election districts were spokes and
Town Hall the hub. No matter where
one lived In McKane's kingdom. he had
TO 30 to Town Hail to cast his vote, for
the polling place Of each election dis
trict was there located-all under the
eye OF the boss, who only had to move
MS hand to have everything 70 his way,
The Washington times., 1912-12-27

II Mr.. Archibald 10 convicted the claim
will be made that II wasn't . fair trial.
the average Senatorial attendance at
the trial having been less than one
third. II he's acquitted. then. Of course.
Il was fair.
The Washington times., 1912-12-27
PROSPERITY.

In spite Of problems still have prosperity and that
satisfying because provides basis for the that dis
inspired ideals Of national morality than
omic pressure. geo '''
This year. for instance foreign trade has exceeded four
billion dollars That shows increase Of thirty per the
previous year.
This year production Of pig iron has been thirty million tons
The year before it twent-four million TONS !
The total production Of wheat and billion bushels
1911.
In 20 big corporations there reported be 100000
stockholders
Judged by figures empty market basket be the
product Of extension Of poetic license from makers
toonss.
We square deal because like for itself and
because would be the the meal The national
larder is full.