The Holbrook news., 1912-06-14

CT than the chance of that wire snap
 ping. I'm just trying to show you that
 we haven't got down to the proper
 method of guessing how and when and
 where old Nemesis Is going to kick us.
 I was in the fool mob when was at
 Puoroa calculating upon the value of
 those six-foot lengths that were grow
 ing faster than corn in spring time.
 Those nigs grew five inches of hair
 every day, and was beginning to
 sharpen the shears when trouble fell
 upon me like the wrath of Heaven.
 "One of those pot-bellied native
 youngsters stole a f1ve-gallon can of
 the hair grower, and six hours after
 ward had struck the champion bad luck patch of my career. Yes, sir,
 was in 1t up to my neck. That kid
 rubbed the stun on his old mans nose
 while the father was asleep; splashed 1t pretty freely over his mothers facial rtnd, and decorated himself in such a manner that he looked like one of those King Charles spaniels the mo- ment the tufts of hair started to shoot. Nothing could keep the hair off any part of the body touched by zirg- stauk's Hair Grower.
 'Tf I got that can back I might have stopped the trouble, but the youngster traded it all round the place, after he had worked off his spite against his parents. and before nightfan there were three hundred Puroroans grow ing hair in places they didn't want hair to grow, and using up all the cuss words of the Pacific on yours truly. They came down to my hut in droves to give personal testimony to the eff cacy of the hair grower, and the only way I could repair the damage was to offer to barber them free. My get-busy days started just then. The kids father who got the splash on the nose came up to have it trimmed every morning, because he hair grew that fast over night it muffed his voice when he started to order his breakfast of fried yams and cocoanuts. His wife was in the same fix, and every day my troubles increased. Those copper-col- ored heathens found that zirgstauk's Hair Grower was the most effective stuff in the world for getting even with an enemy, and, instead of prod ding a foe with a knife, they would syringe him with half-pint of the mixture and come round next day to grin when he was turning into the wild man from Borneo at fast gait cut hair from daylight till nightfall, and even did bit of rough trimming when the moonlight was strong enough to let me work.
 ''Then I struck the climax before | was prepared for it. used to sleep | with the shears under my head, be- cause, being the only pair on the isl- and, 1t was a pretty valuable posses sion, so you can imagine the shock I | got one morning when woke up and | found some one had stolen 1t while l slept. guessed Puoroa would be too warm for me without that scissors, and knew had little hope of getting | them. Just as was debating about the best way of skipping out, few of my early morning customers started to batter the door, so I loped out the back way and made for the beach. I stole a canoe and pulled as hard as I could toward the horizon, and that evening was picked up by a copra schooner and taken on to Melbourne. No sir, never went back, but if you see any abnormally hairy specimens of the human family on exhibition in the Bowery it is safe betting that they hail from Puoroa, and if you question them they'll support my story"
 stood up, but he put out his hand and detained me.
 'T said never marketed it," he mur "but occasionally sell bot tie to person whose evident respects bility is proof that he is not one of those thieving-. Thank you. sir; fifty cents. I am delighted at meeting you, and if ever you meet one oi those Puoroans ask them about Dr Ulysses G. Zirgstauk."
 I have the bottle of hair tonic or my desk; I am waiting to present fl to the first baldheaded book agent that invades my office.
 With the RothschIIds.
 What chiefv afruck one at thN