davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1912-07-04
WHO DOES WHITE l0kEs7
Principally the P~rossssicnat Funn593
Man, Which Easlly ExpIalns Their
"Sad" Quality.

How are Jokes nader Tho f0nnVs9s
bone Of the American people dennand1
a thousand new pleasantries eYery
day. The doctors say that our dia-
phragms must be tickled or we win
die. How can anybody sit down and
deliberately make up jokes that viii
tickle us?
The main source of newspaper Jokes
Is h professional funny man. The
funny man works in various ways. AI
crude beginner at the joke trade usual
ly opens the dictionary at random and
begins to look for words to make punsl
on. He comes to the word Horse
That reminds him Of "horse sense
So he frames the following little John-l
ny and teacher anecdote:
Johnny" said the teacher. write
a sentence using the words horse
sense. Johnny wrote: "One night
pa forgot to lock the stable and he
hasn't seen hs horse sense.
This Joke is duly published Ia the
funny column Of the metropolitan pa
per. A magazine writer, seeing the
story In a country paper, thinks ii
original and exclusive. He steals ri
and sells It to a weekly magazine OF,
national circulation. From this maga-a
line London editors grab the little Jest
and it Is now afioat on the wide ocean
OF English language and 1t probably
Will outliye the man who wrote 1t.
Most OF the anecdotes that fill the
funny columns never happened in real
life. They are the brain children Of
some hired Jester who dotes on anec-
dotes. There is a pun, right there.
The professional funny man would
ponder that a minute, then perhaps
produce q rhyme like this:
Artie chokes on artichokes
And writhes about In pain:
But Auntie dotes on antidotes,
And soon he's we'll again.
The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1912-07-04
New Jerseys Income.

From the Christian Science Monitor,
1t is announced in this connection that
for the present veal New Jersey will
dissolution of the Standard Oil and
American Tobacco companies, both OF
these concerns having made returns on
the old basis of outstanding capital stock.
Of these concerns will be paid as usual.
Neither will there be any decrease this
year In the taxes collected by New Jer.
sey from the United States corporation,
the international Harvester company, the
United Shoe Machinery compan and 9TH
er large corporations. In a word, it looks
as IL one Of New Jerseys most prominent
as prosperous and pleasing as any hereto.
fore recorded,
The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1912-07-04
ALMOST FRANTIC WITH
ITCHING ECZEMA

E-. nlMEN EN lFMEL M E&H
Eight years ago ! got eczema ally
over my hands. MY fingers fairly bledal
and it itched until it almost drove maf
frantic. The eruption began with
itching under the skin. 1t spread fast
from between the fingers around the
nails and all over the whole hands. It
got a pair of rubber gloves In order tor
wash dishes. Then It spread all over
the left side of my chest. "A fine doc-aI
tor treated the trouble TWO weeks butt
did me no good. cried night and
day. Then I decided I try C~utfcurass
Soap and Ointment but without mucht
hope as I had gone SO long There,
was & marked change the second day
and 30 on until I was entirely cured.
The Cuticura Soap ma have always
kept In our home, And we decided
after that lesson that 1t as cheap
soap IN price and The very best ins
quality. Ny husband viii use no ether
soap III his shayinas 1Bfelsnsas9
Mrs. g. 8 sslhy Redonda
Gal, Jan, y: Although cuticS
800 anus 115stnent are sold by drug
gists and ers everywhere, a sam
pie = saS.sSsSswith 32-page book. will
W nlallsu On application to
.Cuticura, pt. T., Boston.
The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1912-07-04
Victorious Was superstitious.
From Tit Bits.

Canterbury Cathedral, like most great
cathedrals, is decorated with intlumerable
inches for statues. At Canterbury q se-
ries of these inches is occupied with stat
there are only four inches left u~noccupied.l
Al old tradition has it that when all the
inches are filled the throne of England
will come to an end.
Queen Victoria was approached with a
view to a statue of herself being placed
in one Of the four remaining inches. but
her late majesty was aware OF the old
tradition int refused. one Wonoers
whether In the future there will be four
xaonarchs Of England sufficiently indif-
ferent to superstition to DEFY the tradi-
ton and allow their efigies to M tne u
occupied spaces
The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1912-07-04
The Discovery of Rernhardt.

Col. r. Horace Rublee, the able edit
or of the Milwaukee Sentinel, is to be
the guest of Sarah Bernhard in Chi
cago next week.. The friendship be-
tween the two has been Of long dura-
ton n had a curious beginning. 1t
was while Colonel Rublee was United
States minister to Switzerland that he
visited Paris for the first time. Being
then a young and enterprfsing man, he
explored the French metropolis thor
oughly, and one evening he happened
to attend a performance at the Theater
de Hau Monde, one of the very many
variety halls in which Paris abounded
at that time. 1t was here that he first
saw and heard Sarah Bernhardt, then
a mere girl. doing the song and dance
subtle grace of the young Jewess i'm
pressed the sagacious diplomatist so
strongly that he determined to interest
himself in her behalf
In a few days he had set her case
before the American minister, and
through the influence of that official,
secured an audience with the director
Of the Coincide Franchise, who finally
consented to give the girl a trial in the
role Of Phedre. From that day up to
the present time Bernhardt has trod a
f1owery path to glory, and it Is vastly
fotten the kindness one by her good
friend Monsieur lie Colonel" as she
calls him.
To a reporter Of the New York Times
she said:
.'wizout Monsieur lie COLONEL vaire
leetle good would my ART do; he find
me In re song an dance, and he. say,
Sara, you air one-what you call him
one daisie.' Ozzer men see me zen,
but zey nevaire say me to be one daisie,
Monsieur lie COLONEL knows one daisie
when he see him, and zat is re grand
plaisere to be one daisie.''
The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1912-07-04
Seemed STRANGE ia Her.

Miss Melcher in describing the
commencement exercises of a certain
medical college to Miss Bungler, said
that she had felt quite awed when.
the Hippocratic oath was adminis-
tered to the graduates.
4 should think you would haye!-'
Miss Bungler exclaimed in indignant
surprise. "A hypocritic oath! Isnev-
er heard of that. Something new.
I suppose. / shouldn't think any
physician would want to bind himself
to q thing like that!"
The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1912-07-04
Victor Huso's Blind Bessar.
Trnu the Yorkshire waall,, poe+


A F~renchnan, writing recently upon
1.-THE Mendicants Of Paris" recalls a pret-
ty anecdote Of Victor Hugo and a blind
very feeble and quite sightless. who was
led every day by his little granddaughter
to q certain street corner, where he wait
ed patiently for such scanty aims as the
hurrytng public might drop into a small
box thai hung from his neck.
One day q group of men halted near
him, chatting, and he heard the name by
which they called the one who fingered
longest. Reaching forward as he, too,
was about to go, he caught him by the
what do you want, my good man."
asked the man. "I nave already given
you two SOUS"
Eyes. monsieur, and I have banked
you," replied the veteran. at is some-
thing. else that I want"
What is it?"
Verses"
tYou shall have Them. said the man.
and he kept his word. The next day the
blind soldier bore on his breast a placard
with a a to which was appended
the name of Victor Hugo; and the aims In
the box were quintupled. The ines may
sbe thus translated:
Like Belisarius and like Homer blind.
Led By a young child on his pathway
The hand that aids his need. pitying and
He win not see, but God WIN see for
him.
The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1912-07-04
Tho cannibaI kinu.

The fates are kind TO the Cannibal king
And life tx him is a real soft thing.
He worries not over the change in style,
For his main attire is a winning smile.
He's the sovereign of a sun-kissed land
Where weather is always simply grand,
He owes no bill for q new spring suit
And he wears a string for a robe de
mutt.
His wives don't banker for new spring
hats.
And clothes cause him no domestic
bpats.
He doesn't spend all he makes on coal,
And rr!ces high don't disturb his soul.
The cost of living is an unsung song
For tourists win always happen elong.
Do you wonder, folks. al the pleasant
smile,
OF the retgning king OF the Gambia,
isle?
The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1912-07-04
Lazy Expression.

ing and rutted phrases may be,
i5asef1antly used and so pass current
ygsgally. But for the most part they n
mot brilliantly used. They serve chiefly
the lazy mind and are q bore. One
can, and very many mes do, shfrk the
thought process by the mode of ready
made and ill-ftting expressions. 'Tfs
as easy as lying. More apt1y, It's as
easy as swearing. And very much such
a slovenly habit as swearing. Very
many who might, as early, speak and
write English well groove their minds
with slang and bad usage Of the LAM
guage until their thoughts can hardly
travel out except through the burrows.
The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1912-07-04
Tho Same as Always.
From the Baltimore American.

From tho BaItIInore A!ne1lcan.
The story Is told on Michigan venue
that one night in Washington Senator
Thurston walked into the lobby of one of
the leading hotels and there spied a con-
gresham off In one corner who, appar-
Thurston walked over to him and inquired
The reason.
well. I'll tell you," replied the con-
gresham, II was bordering over the de-
cline of public oratory in this country"
And what is your conclusion 2" inquired
the senator.
IT have concluded" said the congress-
man, that there are only three great pub
TIC orators in this country-you, myself
and Henry Watterson.''
Great Scott! why put in Watterson?'
said Thurston. Hes not here"
The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1912-07-04
Troubles of Kermit.

From the Pittsburgh Dispatch.
Kermit Roosevelt is an assistant ser
geant-at-arms and Chief McWeeney's men
seem to lake particular delight in keeping
on the hot-foot. AS the convention
opened he was standing directly beneath
the speakers bridge.
you'll have to get out of here" said
a husky policeman.
Kermit has faced the charge of bull
"rhinos'' in African jungles, but he has
never encountered a Chicago "bulr, on
his native heath. He looked up surprised
and then turned and walked away,
I'VE ought to have one of those for the
Smithsonian institute" he told a fellow
sufferer later.
The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1912-07-04
Freedom Hidden ia a Pie.

Lebanon, Ohie.-In jail here for a
mont after he had been captured, fol-
lowing his al while being taken to
Jail after breaking into a country
home. John Hanley escaped from the
county Jail by saving through sew
eral sets of bars with saws supposedly
concealed In g pie brought by a rela-
tive. In his escape he encountered a
quoting the animal and made good
his freedom. His partner whose name
ID withheld. gave up h struggle for
victory after he had been severely in
jured because he was too fat to squeeze
sawed bars.
The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1912-07-04
More Suitable.

At the Devon horse show a mot OF
Miss Eleanora Sears was retailed.
A very stout young woman, the
story ran. asked Miss Sears advice
about her costume for a fancy dress
ball.
Il think OF going as Helen Of Troy"
she ended. DO you think it would
suit me?"
Miss Eleanora Sears, surveying the
young woman's swelling contours with
a faint smile, answered:
Helen of Troy-or, perhaps, don't
you think. Helen Of Avoirdupois would
be better?"
The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1912-07-04
On Land and Sea.

circumstances alter cases even In
human nature"
Yes. Take Jorkins, for instances.
Hes n Of those grandiose Chester
nsds who would give up his seat In
. Meboat to a woman. and then make
an attempt to lead the saloon orches-
ira In Nearer, My God. to Thee as the
ship sinks"
i see. On land, Jorkins Is the fell
low at 8 o'clock who horns through
the ome and children and gets .
window seat In his homebound street
ear"
The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1912-07-04
Dodaina Hioh Prices.

From the Philadelphia Public Ledger.
A statesmanlike person in a long black
cloak and baby blue necktie, identified as
an alternate from the south, was supping
rooms.
Before him was a cup OF coffee, a plate
OF butter and three slices of toast. On
the statesman's lap, neatly concealed by
another banana protruded from the pocket
of his long black coat
Every time the waiter turned his pack
the statesman took a sly bite Of the ba-
The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1912-07-04

A splendid and highly recommended
remedy for tired, weak, inflamed eyes,
and granulated eyelids, is Paxtine An
tiseptic. at druggists, 25c a box or sent
postpaid on receipt of price by The
Paxton Toilet Co., Boston. Mass.
The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1912-07-04
Hand Vacuum Cleaner.

For use with q u cleaner .
Massachusetts woman has invented a.
glove. dust being drawn through
tubes inserted in It's palm, while small
brushes are provided between the
fingers to smooth down the nap Of any
fabric which the suction raises.
The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1912-07-04
Tho First of Its Kind.

From the New York Sun.
No convention city ever before had an
ex-president of the United States in it
as a candidate for nomination. Yet Chi
cago has him, and those thousands who
nave gathered from every corner of this
country have been making the most of
the spectacle.
AS for Waterloo, they have all been
thinklng of 1t In their own way, and they
think they know where the victory rests.
The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1912-07-04

No Wife's Cooking for Them.
Mira. Crimsonbeak-This paper a y
that rarely indeed is a wealthy Turk
seen at his wife's dinner table.
MIR. Crimsonbeak Yes, under
stand the Turks live a long time.
The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1912-07-04
Perkins "NearIy Broke"

From the New York Tribune
Many persons who have supposed George
the Roosevelt campaign funds are wonder
ing if the wherewithal is running out.
They say Mr.. Perkins searched his pock-
cts for a quarter for a messenger boy,
could find only a dime-and then he
borrowed a quarter from Medill McCor-
mick.
The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1912-07-04
Into the Fountain.

From the Philadelphia Public Ledger.
An embryonic suffragette was cured OF
her desire to vote by an unpleasant ex-
she met. Goaded on by her
friends to make a political speech, she
stood on her chair, only to lose her ball
ance and tumble into the fountain in the
Ponlpeiian room Of the Congress. The
plunge wrecked her train of
thought, and what she might have said
will never be known.
The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1912-07-04
Not So Much Political.
Some of the Less Serious Tidings From the Republican
Convention.

mana, hastily concealing his treasure when
of fare is 80 cents to rs cents an order.
Bananas at Joe Nickodemos' fruit stand
are three for a dime. The statesman was
lodging the high cost of living.
The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1912-07-04
Keen "a Old. Custom,

At the 100-year-old Audlem church.
n Cheshire, England, the curfew
regularly rung, after which the date ot
the month is tolied, q survival Of the
times when no almanacs existed
The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1912-07-04
When Your Ewes Need Care

Try Murine Eye Remedy. No ~smarting-Teels
gine-Acts Quickly. Try 1t for Red, Weak,
Rascry Eyes and Granulated Eyelids. Illus.
trated Book in each Package. Murine 10
song9upded b.. our Oculists-.nq a .Patent Med
feine""-but used In successful Physicians Prao-
Size Tor many yoars. Now dedicated to the Pub
10 and sold by DruEeists Mt 2c and Soc per Bottle.
Adur1ne Eye Salve In Aseptc Tubes, 26c and 500,
Murine Eye Remedy Co., Chicago
The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1912-07-04

A woman can easily win in any
kind OF an argument with q man II
she knows just when to turn on the
briny Tow.
The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1912-07-04

Mrs. Winslow's Soothing Syrup for Children
tcething, softens the gums, reduces inhamma-
Mon, Allays pain, cures wind collie, CSC a bottle.
The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1912-07-04
Mans Work.

exchange. ss
Don't kiss each other on the public
highway: It's awful to seeI a woman do.
ing q mans work" is one ef the "Don,ts"
af the Wellesley college girls.
The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1912-07-04
4 Matter Of Names.

What Is the difference between
5omme dc terre and p~otato?" About
two dollars Harvard Lampoon.
The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1912-07-04

II always makes good! What7 Garfield
Tea, the Natural Laxative. composed entirely
OF pure, wholesome and heallhgiying herbs.
The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1912-07-04

A jealous woman enables his
Satanic majesty to take a vacation
now and then.
The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1912-07-04

A woman laughs when she can and
weeps when she wili.-Proverb.
The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1912-07-04
rue ENOUGH

Half the world don't know how they
live themseives.-Lffe.
The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1912-07-04

Mrs. De Style-I mustn't let nv soc,a,
activities make me neglect my children
Her Secretnry-Guite right. Mrs h
Style; lend them q marked copy Of th,s
papek. It outlines my plans for aur7,ss
The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1912-07-04
More power ID IL

From the Atlanta Constitution.
There are rumors OF a conspiracy to
run the Chicago convention-into the
lake
The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1912-07-04

Artie chokes on artichokes
And writhes about in pain:
But Auntie dotes on antidotes,
And soon he's well again.
The daily sentinel., 1912-05-06

Our SOC rawhide whips on Satur.
days for 25c during April and May.
Fred Mantey. .es u
The daily sentinel., 1912-05-06
BURIED PEACH
ORCHARD, OK.

La Junta, Colo, May GA visit to
the buried peach orchard of e. ~.
Berry, the county inspector of trees,
to layman is a sight worth seeing,
for, strange as it may seem, all the
trees are in blossom under the earth
and, judging from the bloom, there
will be one of the largest crops that
has ever been raised in the orchard.
This method of protecting trees is
attracting lot of attention among
fruit growers all over the west, and
not day passes but what the or
chard is visited and the method in
vestigated.
To dig into the earth and find a
tree all covered with beautiful bios
SONS is a surprise to almost every
one; but for nearly 20 years the same
thing has occurred at this place.
The trees will not be uncovered
until about the middle of this month
when there will be no danger of late
frosts
The daily sentinel., 1912-05-06
WARNING GIVEN
To THE PUBLIC

DR.. William S. Higbee, NJ. D., pres
ident of the Pennsylvania state board
for the registration of nurses, in a
recent letter to The Sentinel warns
the public against a certain school
which calls itself the Philadelphia
School for Nurses, located at 2219
Chestnut street, Philadelphia, and
which poses as a beneficent and char
table institution.
DR.. Higbee alleges that the young
women who enter this school as pu-
pills receive no training at all which
will entitle them to recognition as
trained nurses. They are sent out
to private families after they have
received little or no instruction, and
so per cent of their earnings is
turned over to the school itself. Af-
ter graduation the young women can
not be recognized as trained nurses
in any institution in the state of
Pennsylvania on account of insuffi-
cient training.
This information was given in Or
der to warn poor and ambitious young
girls who are attracted by the ad-
vertisements of this school in the pa
pers and who might travel long dis
tances to attend the school only to
find that their training does not ed
ucate them to become trained nurses.
The daily sentinel., 1912-05-06

out"
The Ryan Mercantile company has
been in business in Grand Junction
for nine years. Although started on
small scale 1t has rapidly grown
with the city and is now ranked with
the best business houses in western
Colorado, as an exclusive haberdash-
cry and mems clothing establishment.
II has kept pace with the growth of
Grand Junction, and has evinced a
true Grand Junction spirit of optim-
ism and confidence in the future by
making permanent improvements
and additions as the rapid increase
in business demanded It.
The big increase in space demand
ed by the Ryan Mercantile company
is splendid evidence of the conf
dence being placed in the prosperity
of the coming year by the leading
Grand Junction merchants and pro-
fessional men. 1t shows strong
faith in the future of the city and
especially in the success of the fruit
industry in the valley this year.
The daily sentinel., 1912-05-06
RYAN MERCANTILE COMPANY
DOUBLES ITS FL0ORsPACE

BIG CLOTHING HOUSE WILL TAKE OYER ROOM
OCCUPIED BY PRIMROSE JETPELRY COMPANY-
PLANS ORNATE IND AIETROPOLITdN FRONT TO
DOUBLE STORE ROOM.--CHANGE DEMANDED BY
BUSINESS GROUTH IN PAST YEfR.-TMPORT4NT
NOPE.
The daily sentinel., 1912-05-06

Mr.. Ryan contemplates changing
the front on the store in short
time. making it one of the most mod
ern and slightly in the entire state
This will not be done at once. but
will be started within a few months.
Mr.. Ryan's plans for his new display
front promise to make 1t without a
superior in the western part of the
state as an attractive entrance to
mercantile establishment. II will be
In every way a city front.
New fixtures will be added to give
the big Ryan clothing stock proper
display and a general arrangement
of the stock is being planned.
1--WE have been badly crowded for
space for some time" said Mr.. Ryan
this morning, "and by taking over
the ad Joining floor space We will be
able to spread out on lines in keep
ing with our stock and our business
We expect to make the place the most
attractive in the city. both inside and
out. and will announce our new plans
as rapidly as they can be worked
The daily sentinel., 1912-05-06
EXCLUSIVE STYLES.

We are showing these days every
style that is correct and everything
that is good in Mems and Women's s
SHOES. 1t is luxury to wear such
well made, handsome, stylish shoes
as we are now selling.
In our shoes a woman feels well
dressed and is confident of her good
appearance. Madam, allow us to in
troduce to you some of our excellent
spring styles. See our IA and 16
white boot in buck and canvas, See
our new button oxfords, See our
new Swede gun metal and patent
pumps, and many other new things
too numerous to mention.
MCCONNELL & LOWE.
The Home of the Best Shoes.