davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington herald., 1912-04-09
CANTATA CANI0 ozARK0.
4 Few New Parodies on the "Houn
Dog" DoEEereI.

Dog" DoEEerel.
Since the delightful Missouri Democ
racy has elevated an Ozark production
into an anthem, a great many parodiei
have been written on 1t and much re
search has been expended in hunting VI
hound-dog literature. The following sc
iIections will increase the volume ant
output as well as add to the gayety o.
nations:
sTASZA A LA SHAKESPEARE.
BE his mouth black or white.
Tooth that poisons IL II bite:
Mastiff, bulldog. mongrel grim.
Shepherd, spaniel, brach. or lynn,
Bqbtail tike or trundle tall
Kick Thy dog and let him wall;
But, an yet he be my houn'-
Stay! kick not my dawg aroun'.
CoPIE DE OMAR K
Come. cease thy kicks, or in the stree
called Main
Will 1 thine head to punch and causV
thee pain.
What! dost deny my houn' dawg fell
thy boots?
'Tis well, but-kick him not again.
AFTER BRET HARTE.
The weird figures roll up their sleeves al
they say:
Halt! kick not my dawg, restless child
of to-day;
And thrust not, o madman, the sole oi
thy shoe
At my dawg-yea, a houn'-that is hon
est and true.
What is not said Of you.''
ANDANTE BRYANT.
Lament who will, in fruitless tears,
The speed with which our moments hy
/ sigh not for the vanished years,
But watch my houn dawg hasten by
Look! how he flies before a crowd
OF city lads. with rapid ways!
Behind they leave a dusty cloud
My dawg is yelping as 1 gaze.
Why do they shout my dawg to find?
May we not come in peace to town?
What boots II II he is houn'2
These questions they shall bear In mind
Gosh. him they corner. him the kick,
My blood is boiling for my houn'-
Five of them, now, sure I shall lick;
They must not kick my dawg aroun'
Ry CICERO (Recitatiro Strumrutatol.
And this, o Romans, / promise my
dawg, neither relying on my owr
prudence nor on human counselors
but trusting the many manifest init.
nations of the will of my immortal
hard fists two, under the protection
of which i first gave this my houn', my
affection, and by means of which my
dawg is being defended, not from afar
as from a distant. foreign foe, but here
on the spot, in the open senate. and that
by their own power to punch, so to pre-
vent the success Of Catiline to implant
deadly kicks upon the neither part oi
my sacred houn'. For. o Romans, II
makes no difference whether It be my
dawg. or the dawgs of my friends, OF
the sdawgs Of the common people. Of
whom am so proud. o Romans, this ]
shall kick mine. or theirs, or yours.
The Washington herald., 1912-04-09

tory To win that victory the party
must have been in the majority, and
according to the. dictum of the Rough
Rider the majority rules. &
Still, while there is a shock-to the one
who has held the commission form of
government to be a sure preventive
against municipal misrule, the change is
a tribute to the power Of organization
Des Moines has the other up-to-date
foibles-the initiative, referendum. and
recall 1t will be interesting to watch
the future of the progressive city of the
Middle West along these lines But our
confidence is shaken. Des Moipes does
not loom up quite so high or quite so
big as il did when it was known as
the commission city par excellence.
The Washington herald., 1912-04-09
EARLY RISING.
ny GEORGE. FITCH,
Aathor OF AAt Good Old. siwash.'


Early rising Is one Of the most vio-
lently advertised OF virtues, and. like the
cold bath. the meatiess meal. and the
Wagner opera, is very fine thing when
one gets used 10 1t.
Early rising has been practiced dill
gently for many centuries by industrious
men. This Is especially true In the
country. The farmer who Tolls In bed
ana allows the sun TO rise without call
Ing II personally. is regarded with scorn
by his ,neighbors. One hour OF work on
the cool dewey farm between and 4
a. m is worth three hours Of any oc-
cupation after supper. and the man who
would win the confidence Of the soil
must finish his breakfast in time to 80
out and wake the roosters. The rural
population OF the land has been steadily
decreasing for many years, which Is a
great mystery
In the cities people do not rise so
early, owing to the excellent faculties
for consuming electric current and other
things at night. In New York City.
the business man rises in midrfn Of the
morning and gets down TO his office in
time TO make an engagement for lunch
con. Owing TO this great sloth New
York's growth has been stunted. and II
only extends from Newark 10 Pough-
keepsie or thereabouts.
There are. however, a great many peo-
pie In New York and other cities who
not only see the sun rise every morning.
but bid II an affectionate good night a
little later. These people are not highly
regarded, however, and are pointed out
even by farmers as horrible examples.
Every one is anxious to rise early, but
the great difficulty In accomplishing the
The Washington herald., 1912-04-09
A Potomac Survey.

There have been many proposals to
connect the Anacostia River and Chesa-
peake Bay by canal. Such a link in the
system of Atlantic waterway improve
ments would make Washington an ocean
port in almost the same sense that Bal
timore and Philadelphia are The prof.
ect is discussed briefly in the annual re-
port of the National Waterways Commits
sion. and while any definite approval is
withheld, the tone of the discussion is
distinctly favorable.
According TO many engineers, the
canal project is feasible. 1t has been
agitated for many years without sue
ceeding in arousing much interest in
Congressional circles. Doubtless the
reason for this indifference has been the
bewildering variety of other and more
pressing waterway projects before the
National Legislature While the Capital
at present has connection with the coast
traffic via the Potomac and Hampton
Roads, the canal would eliminate the
roundabout trip to the Northern ports
and prove an immessurable boon to local
commerce.
The proposal to build locks al Great
and at Little Falls is also considered in
the National Waterways report. This
engineering project is complex one,
and the commission is right in urging a
thorough survey of the Upper Potomac
before approving or rejecting it. The
navigability of the river must be de-
termincd. 1t goes without saying that
Washington will occupy a strategicaI
commercial position of the highest i'm
portance should either or both of these
projects be pushed to completion.
The Washington herald., 1912-04-09
All.night Car Service.

1t is a matter of considerable impor-
tance TO the people of Washington that
the Interstate Commerce Commission
has promulgated an order establishing
an all-night service on the principal car
lines in this city. For some years all
night cars have been run upon Penn
sylvania Avenue and Fourteenth Street
and upon the Connecticut Avenue line
to Georgetown, but in all the other sec
tions of the city the unfortunate citizen
who endeavored to reach his home after
midnight was compelled to rely upon the
night-liner and the taxicab. This was
both inconvenient and expensive, be-
sides which rents were deprecated wher-
ever the all-night service did not pre-
vail.
All the cities in the United States ap-
proximating Washington in population
have long since enjoyed traffic facili-
ties throughout the day and night. The
National Capital has been laggard in
instituting the needed improvement, but
now that 1t is about to be established
there is no doubt of public approval
Washington is no longer a village 1t is
a city OF 10000 people, and thousands
of them are compelled to work all night
These citizens are entitled to some con-
sideration, in addition to which the fact
that railroad trains arrive in Washing
ton even during the wee sma' hours
makes ii imperative that transportation
to every section of the city should be
afforded at all times.
The all-night car service is another
step in the progress of Washington.
The Washington herald., 1912-04-09
Fall of Des Moines.

Once in a while something will come
up that is a surprise, if not a shock, to
the general belief that Americans as
a class are dependable and stable Oh
course, the cults, the fads and fancies
of those always on the look out for
novelties, for the unique, attract a GER
tain number. but not the average Amer
icsn who regards himself seriously, toe
much So, in fact.
Yet when Il community, one that has
been put on pedestal as a model
jumps the traces and acts Ike others
there comes a feeling of regret. For
several years Des Moines, Iowa, has
been pointed out by the alleged 're-
formers" as the shining example oi
what city can do when the politician
is pushed into the background and the
business man brought to the front. Re-
ports from that city have been to the
effect that commission form of govern
rnent was the only proper caper, the
real blown-in-the-bottle brand of mu-
nicipal government, that its people were
so pleased and so proud of it they would
never, no never, go back to the archaic
period of the annual divisional fights
for Office
Now. as a result of its recent cleo
tion, the trained politician. the or
ganized worker, is again in the saddle,
and it is believed the old system will
again be in vogue, as the party he rep
resents has secured the balance of power
in the commission The party had open
ly declared for a wide-open town and
had named as candidate a former
Chief of the Public Safety Department,
who had refused to keep the police and
politics separate. This was the issue on
which the liberal clement won their VIC
The Washington herald., 1912-04-09
Building a Great City.

That there have been buildings enough
erected in Washington in the ten year:
just closed to stretch distance of 81:
miles, if placed side by side, seems ar
incredible statement to make. Yet sucl
are among the revelations which a study
of the facts disclose This conclusion
is reached by allowing an average width
of twenty feet for each one of the S5,33S
building operations that have been con-
Quoted here since 1907.
To those who live in Washington the
enormous territorial growth OF the city
which this fact clearly indicates is moi
easily perceptble. He would be, indeed
blind who cannot see that the city i:
growing. But few can appreciate the
great growth so well as those who re-
turn to the city after an interval. The
magnitude OF these figures is impressive
and brings home TO all an adequate con-
ception of what is daily going on around
us in the way of building up greater
Washington.
Contrary to general expectations,
these operations are not, by any means
all confined to residential structures. A
very large percentage of the new build
ings are for the accommodation of the
great increase in business which the past
growth has required as we'll as for the
extension of facilities for handling that
greater volume OF business which every
business man in Washington who looks
at all into the future knows is on its
way.
1t is true that much of it-in fact, the
greater part of it's for the better
housing of the residents of Washington
just pride in the residences of the city is
expressed by all The people here are
far better housed than in other Ameri-
can cities. This is fitting condition
for municipality that is under the di-
rect supervision of Congress, that is
looked upon with great degree OF
fondness by the whole people OF the
United States. each one of whom feels
that heNlIas a sort of proprietary right of
ownership in it. All of this increases
the responsibilities resting upon Con-
gress to see to it that the national trust
that is imposed upon it by the people at
large is well kept and that Washington
become not only the City Beautiful that
all rightly hope it to become, but thai
in point OF municipal administration it
be made an ideal civic community that
will exemplify to the world at large
that the great republican, principles of
our government extend even to our
cities.
This growth is the result of local
enterprise. of private business initiative
and executive When our citizens per-
form their part of civic extension as
well as this indicates that they have
done, all the more do the duties of
Congress in like directions become
strongly emphasized.
The Washington herald., 1912-04-09
STATESMEN, REAL AND NEAR.
By FRED c. KELLY

dropped in at the executive Offices re-
Gently and invited Assistant Secretary
Forster to join their happy throng.
I'D like to-" replied Forster. but your
links are not properly equipped
Not properly equipped?" repeated the
golf fellow in an aggrieved voice. I'm
surprised at you. We have one of the
best links in the country"
But there's one important equipment
that you'd have TO have before l could
think OF joining" said Forster.
The golf man bit. What is it?'' he
asked.
;'E,ectric lights over the entire course"
replied Forster.
Several scientific men sat discussing
subjects at the Cosmos Club the other
day. and the greatest joy proposition
came up. Several said they found their
maximum pleasure in fishing or hunting.
or travelling through wOndrous scenery
in a oitermobile. and so on.
My idea Of the acme of delight" con-
tributed DIR. Harvey W. Wiley, Is to isO-
late myself on some quiet farm and look
at the sky through the branches Of an
apple tree in fun bloom, and think of alb
solutely nothing
All kinds of requests come percolating
into the offices OF Congressman. \
woman in Wyoming took pen in hand
some time ago and dashed Off the follow
ing lines to Representative Mondell:
My daughter and niece and her little
boy are on their way 20 Washington and
will arrice on the 17th. ! think their
train gets in at eight something. We
want you to meet them at the train and
see that they get a good bOarding-house
n nj toll f1u IL 80
always voted for you when he was alive"
But the strangest part OF the Circum-
stance is this, tO-wit.
MOndell. who Is an accommodating per
son. actually made an effort TO meet
them.
Copyright. IsIc by Fred G Kelly. AL rights Ts-
seTTcd.l
The Washington herald., 1912-04-09
A Track Laying Record.

From the Scientific American.
1t is to the American engineer and con-
tractor that the world is indebted for its
first lessons in rapid construction Of rail-
reads. and particularly rapid track lay
ing. The lesson as taught on our West
ern prairies has led TO systematic meth
DDS OF railroad construction, particularly
with view TO time and labor saving, in
other countries where extensive lines are
being built Thus. We notice that recently
8 record was made OF l-s miles OF main
track and LOO feet OF siding laid with
rails in one day. The work was done
under British engineers on the Baro Kama
RAILWAY, N nnrthern NlserA
The Washington herald., 1912-04-09

London. April S-Because OF two
sidewalk awnings, both exactly alike,
there was a considerable mix-up at the
receptions given by Mrs. Almeric Paget
and Mrs. Lulu Harcourt, who is a niece
of J. PieTpont Morgan. The two Ameri-
can hOstesses live on the same block.
Mrs. PaGet was giving a function to the
Tory element In politics and society. while
Mrs. Harcourt had invited an equal num-
Der OF friends OF the Liberals
AS a result OF the awnings darkening
the doorways and hiding the name
plates. many LIBERAL women who had
intended spending a pleasant afternoon
at Mrs. Harcourt's found themselves in
the whirl OF Mrs. Pagets Tory party.
And a number OF Tory sympathzers
found themselves in a similar predica-
ment at Mrs. Harcourt's.
The Washington herald., 1912-04-09
a LITTLE NONSENSE.
MAKES 4 DIFFERENCE.

MAKES a DIFFERENCE.
She saw a hat
And liked Il much,
Asserted THAI 80
A stunner such
As 1t she'd seldom seen before.
tThe hat she liked was in a store9
she chanced to spy
This hat next day =
But passed II by
In scornful way.
fThe hat ct this time, be II said.
Was on another woman's head)
Uncle Pennywfse says,
Opportunity knocks once at every
mans door. importantly knocks oftener.
Mexican War News.
Last week the regulars and the revolu-
tionists each gained a recruit
Two generals for one husky private
are offered by both sides with no takers.
The revolutionists offered yesterday TO
exchange eight colonies for one can OF
condensed milk.
Juarez was surrounded last Friday by
twelve revolutionists. but an old woman
went out and chased them away.
To-day's battle was called on account
Of rain.
Keeps Us Guessing.
Hope springs eternal in the human
breast"
''Yes: hope is a great joIiier."
April o I'm History.
April .. 1ST1-sir Isaac Newton inyents
sausage.
April .. 15Ss-oueen Elizabeth gives Sir
Walter Raleigh thirty days in the Tower
for revoking at bridge.
SPRING Poetry.
A floral theme most poets love
About this time;
The magazines print slathers Of
Botanic rhyme.
Mean People.
wife, our neighbor's children get
along better at school than our chill
dren."
Yes"
"How is that7'
Because our neishbors are' mean
people. They won't tell me what brand
Of brain food they buy"
Empty Houses.
A man applied to a local firm which
makes picture films.
Need any more talent?"
Are you an actor?'
Il am"
Had any experience at acting without
audiences?'
Plenty OF il. Lack of audiences is
what brought me here"
A Pending Divorce.
who gets the custody OF the auto
mobile?''
II told my wife she might have H.
/ can't keep up a machine and pay all
mony, too"
The Washington herald., 1912-04-09
Message on Retirement.

To the Editor: Cannot something be done
just now TO induce President Taft to take
an active interest in the good Of the serv-
ice (and incidentally in the employes) and
send his long-promsed message to Con-
gress relative TO a retirement plan of some
kind? Now that the Senate committee is
to have meetings to consider the Cum
minis bill (which is the best one l have
seem, why viii not the President urge
this economy and reform for the good of
The Washington herald., 1912-04-09
POLITICAL POINTS.

| From the Ohio State Journal.
One fairly convincing evidence that JUS
tice Hughes is in no sense a candidate
| is that he has not risen TO denounce the
sinister and unmitigated fabrications of
the organs OF publicity which have ma
liciously assumed that he still has full
beard.
From the Columbia State
We are pleased to announce that Wood
row Wilson's History Of the American
People" contains no disparaging refer
ences to baseball.
From the Chzsseston Is. c. News and Courier.
Alabama has decided to send Hobson
back to Washington. Otherwise he might
insist on remaining in Alabama.
From the st. Louis Republic.
The statement by ex-senator Dixon,
\ who is a sort of bllIposter for the claim
ant, that there is going to be something
new in this weeks speeches is incredible
There never was anything new in a
Roosevelt speech.
From the Des Moines Brrnins Tribune.
Later in the year Mr.. Roosevelt may
devote an Outlook editorial to the men
who honeyfugled him into becoming a
receptive" candidate.
Prom the Cleveland Leader
The silence in the Jersey region leads
to the conclusion that Woodrow Wilson
is busy replacing some of the twisted
rails in his 'one-track mind"
From the Cleveland Plain Dealer.
The Rough Rider may he able now to
sympathize with the Frenchman whose
parachute cloak did not open when he
leaped.
From the Birmingham News.
OF course, Col. Roosevelt might try
again in 1890. but by that time the coun-
try probably win have gotten the Demo-
cratic habit.
From the New York Erenins Mail.
Chairman Underwood knows his sugar
duty, and is bound TO do away with 1t.
From the Boston Traveller.
What Joe Cannon win say when Roose-
welt invsdes his district next week will
not appear in print. Joe lacks Teddy.s
gift for putting his abuse in naailable
t0Em ssH d z@l
The Washington herald., 1912-04-09
ANNIVERSARY DATA.
APRIL o, 1919.

Forty-eight years ago Gen. Sher-
mans troops were encountering that
which inspired the great officer to de-
clare War is hell" His troops were
intercepted on their march from
Memphis, and at OkaIona severely
defeated by the Confederate Gen.
Forrest
The late Queen Isabella. grand
mother Of the present King of Spain.
died in that country eight years ago
to-day.
To-Day is the anniversary OF the
surrender of Gen. Robert z. Lee 10
Gen. Grant at Appomatox Court
Hous,. Va. 1850. This event brought
10 a close the war of the States.
The Hon. James Thomas Helm, who
represents the Fifth District OF Ala
barRa in Congress, is forty-three
years Of age to-day
Prince Gunther OF Schwarzburg-
Rudolstadt is sixty years of age to-
day.
The Secretary of State, PhiIander
Chase. Knox, was sworn into the office
OF Attorney General during the ad-
ministration OF President Mckinley
eleven years ago to-day.
James Evelyn Pitcher. the celebrated
surgeon. author, and lecturer. died at
Savannah. Ga. one year ago to-day.
The Washington herald., 1912-04-09

the service as embodied in that measure
by Il special message 10 Congress most
sincerely trust that The Herald will do
all in its power in this direction.
A. HOPKINS.
Washington. d. C., April :.
The Washington herald., 1912-04-09

| feat prevents II from becoming a popu-
| lar fad. ID rise a. 4 one should clamp
an alarm clock firmly 10 the ear. and
leave call for the fire department. To
induce a boy TO rise early. remove the
bed from under him and soak him for
thirty minutes in clear, cold water.
The Washington herald., 1912-04-09

Early rising clears the brain. tones
up the muscles. Increases the appetite,
and ruins theaters and taxicab cou-
panics Nothing is so beautiful as ma
ture when II is waking for the day. and
every man should cherish two ambitions
Ito see the Grand Canyon and the world
at sunrise. Both will bear watching
several times.
The Washington herald., 1912-04-09

Kansas potential suffragists who take
in washing to support their families.
have started a movement looking toward
the taxation OF loafers.
The Washington herald., 1912-04-09
Frnm the Chio.rn rrihrnr

The venerable Emperor Joseph talks
like a man about TO go on a strike.
The Washington herald., 1912-04-09
Where Time Is Eternity.

From Judge.
New YORK mau-say yes" darling,
Philadelphia gtrI-Give me enough time
to make up my mind
New YORK man-BUt I may not live
that long.
The Washington herald., 1912-04-09


Mrs. o. II. p. Belmont is being repre-
sented by her friends as the logical
sufIragette candidate for President this
year. We should say that when Sister
Belmont's hat gets in the ring there
won't be room for anybody else's hat
The Washington herald., 1912-04-09
PURELY PERSONAL.

From the Richmond Evening Journal
Was Archibald really given an au,
dience by the King Of Italy. or did he
Just Butt in?
The Washington herald., 1912-04-09
From th. Chicago Evening Post.

From The Chicaeo Evening Post
Representative John Grifin will intro
duce bill releasing woman witnesses
from the Obligation of telling tbeTr age.
II this is not a palpable bid for new
support, nobody may make a guess.
The Washington herald., 1912-04-09

How Is IL that nobody ever demands
repeal of the law of supply and demand
on the ground that il causes increase
of the cost Of living?
The Washington herald., 1912-04-09

Gen. Orozco is writing proclamations
when he should be Strengthening his in.
field and hunting around for more ma.
tcriaI for the pitchers box.
The Washington herald., 1912-04-09
Frum The Columbia statc.

I
While Woodrow Wilson's popularity
il nationwide, We should welcome the
news that cigar and a few babies have
been named for him.
The Washington herald., 1912-04-09

From the Columbia State.
We are pleased TO announce that Wood
row Wilson's History Of the American
People" contains no disparaging refer
ences to baseball.
The Washington herald., 1912-04-09

From the Charleston Is. c. News and Courier.
Alabama has decided to send Hobson
back to Washington. Otherwise he might
insist on remaining in Alabama
The Washington herald., 1912-04-09
SCATTERING SHOTS.

From the Columbia State.
Our idea in zero in occupations is
playing the part OF Tige in Buster
Brown
The Washington herald., 1912-04-09

Prom the Richmond NcTES-Leader.
There are some very telling figures cal
culated to make those seven governors
feel like the little boy the calf rar
over.
The Washington herald., 1912-04-09

Not everybody had realized that the
coIoners proficiency in noise making in
cluded a capacity to squeal.
The Washington herald., 1912-04-09
UneIe rennywi.e say..

Opportunity knocks once at every
mans door. Importantly knocks oftener.
The Washington herald., 1912-04-09

A Pending Divorce.
"who gets the custody OF the auto.
mobile?'
II told my wife she might have II
/ can't keep up a machine and pay all
mony, too"