Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1912-12-26
At the End Of the Rainbow.
SILvER-TONGUED ORATORS.
BY WALT MASON.
BY WALT MASON.

81 felt sorry for young Kelterman last
night remarked the school superin-
tendent. HE got up to make an Grafton
at our literary society meeting and he
was so scared that he couldn't utter a
word. He has real ability as a speaker
and 1 know he devoted much thought to
his grafton and hoped to win applause,
and his humiliation is great
Its the best thing that could have
happened to him, however" said the vii
lage patriarch. "In after years, when
he realizes how useless oratory is and
how superfluous orators are. he'll thank
his particular gods that he broke down
it for granted that he will profit by his
experience and make up his mind to do
something useful.
It's a curious thing that every man. at
some period Of his career, has an ambi-
ton to make speeches. He may have
a voice that sounds like rusty wind
mill; he may be confirmed stammerer;
he may lack the presence which is neces-
sary to successful speaker; he may
have reason to believe that his knees
will give way under him when he faces
an audience: none of these things will
swerve him from his deadly purpose when
the infatuation is upon him. Were it not
for such disasters as befell Kelterman all
men would be Silver-tOngued orators,
making few timely remarks upon every
possible occasion. and there would DE
nobody to dig potatoes or bring cord wood
to town.
81 admire and marvel at the wisdom
of Providence, which has decreed that
only certain percentage of the popu
lation shall be boy orators. 1t is true
that the percentage is unduly large, but
we should be thankful for such blessings
as We possess.
II remember when / became afflicted
with the desire to make speeches. 1t
was many and many a year ago when
still entertained the idea that I'd be
President of the United States some day.
always had the gift of tongues. /
could stand in front OF my feed store
and argue down any pedestrian who came
along. / was preposterously young then
and thought all things were possible. Gar
field and Hancock were running for the
presidency and 1 championed the cause
of the former. I'm afraid I neglected
my hay business in order to convince
passersby that their manifest duty was
to vote for the Ohio man. l hoped to be
appointed postmaster if he was elected.
and from that I'd rise gradually through
the state legislature and the National
Congress to the White House.
We'll, they ran short of speakers to-
warn tiie CIOSc vi the campaign ana i
had made such a reputation as a catch
as-catch-can debater on the sidewalk that
l was asked to address a meeting in the
town hall. The idea Of declining never
occurred to me. / had confidence to
burn in those days, and, moreover, I was
fairly loaded to the guards with facts
which would be of great benefit to the
people when ! got them out of my sys-
tenn. / prepared my speech carefully
and never experienced the slightest qualm
Il Sfannad nd
faced the thousand fiends in human form
who had assembled there to hear me.
MY friends. it is one thing to stand
in front of your own hay bazaar ex-
pounding the Constitution of the United
States and another to loom up before
a multitude of male and female patriots
felt like An OK led to the slaughter.
couldn't think OF a word OF my discourse.
All ! could remember was that my
trousers bagged at the knees and that
two buttons were off my vest. I stood
there gulping and mouthing in the most
pitiful way.
There were many Hancock partisans
present and they had equipped them
selves with large, overripe cucumbers
There should be "a law against cucum-
bers as substitute for bouquets. Heads
of cabbage and dead cats are bad enough
but you can dodge them, as they take a
straight course when thrown. But
cucumbers act like Australian BOOM
erangs. They circle around in such a
way that you can't tell where they are
going to land until they break against
your forehead or your bosom. At least
fifteen of them must have hit me as
stood there and nothing more sckening
could be imagined than the squashing
sound they made.
when l left the stage I was dripping
cucumber and for weeks I found their
seeds in my whiskers. 1t was a painful
experience, and on the following day /
whipped three men I suspected of throw
ing fruit, but in later years i realized
that the rebuke / received that night
was the best thing that ever happened to
me-