davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Cairo bulletin., 1912-05-02
HUMOROUS QyIPS


Cunard Steamship Agent Burns Ia
very proud of his son Robert and
never tires OF telling of that youths
childhood.
When Bobby was about four years
DID," said Mr.. Burns. "I'll have to ad-
nit he picked up some bad hobits, ons
of which was smoking, and it didn t,
rcem to make the boy sick. either.
One day his mother heard he had,
been smokinb and at the dinner table
I've had consil cradle company to dine
that day. she Il ,k him to task.
Hobby, you lave been smoking
again she said to the little fellow.
allow do you krow" Bobby asked.
"'Oh, little bird told me, replied,
his mother. e..., -.
"'Gee,' said the youngster, have
them blamed sparrows been talking
cgain?'"
The Cairo bulletin., 1912-05-02
ROOSEVELT REFUSES
TO DISCUSS MOVE
OF HIS DELEGATES

oyster Bay, n. Y, May When
he heard tonight that Massachusetts
delegates-at-large to the national
Republican convention had said they
would vote for him in spite of his re-
quest to the contrary Col. Roosevelt
said
81 have nothing to say except
that meant every word that | said,
and shall do everything possible 10
see that my wish is carried out"
The Cairo bulletin., 1912-05-02
Literary Taste.

The young man looked about the
book department in some dismay.
What you cot in good stories?" he
asked.
Here Is en- excellent romance--a
detective story" replied the brisk
young woman I'm quite cure you
will like it.
The you lg man looked doubtful.
ITS got red cover" he said, IAN
TIL last boo; in red cover | read
was punk. Amt you got notLln' in
Srecne"
The Cairo bulletin., 1912-05-02
COTTON BELT RESUMES
TRAFFIC BETWEEN
ST. LOUIS AND MEMPHIS

st. Louis. MO, May 1.-THE Co..
ton Belt Railway announces the re-
sumption Of passenger service from
and to Memphis. which has been in,
tcrrupted by high water. Begin
ming tomorrow trains will be oper-
ated on regular schedule.
The Cairo bulletin., 1912-05-02
LOOKING a. il PhiloaophIcalIy.

Say, Blink said Jimmy the safe
cracker, I'm gettin' sick OF dis kind
of life. | wish could git into some
thing else
"Aw, wot's de matter wit your? his
partner replied. Come on, now, and
cut out dat kind Of talk Amt you
ever found out dat nobody's satisfied
wit de business dey're in?"
The Cairo bulletin., 1912-05-02
PromisIna Field.

81 presrme you have some culture
clubs in P,dkvilie?'
Indeed we have, and one has been
recently formed, OF which we are very
proud" .-.. ......
Literary"
mo, About q dozen OF our leading
citizens are going to see which one
can have the finest onion bed this
spring"
The Cairo bulletin., 1912-05-02
Wise Woman.

Now for $2,1 announced the star
gazer. Il will furnish you with a
philter which will make your husband
love you to the exclusion of all 9th.
era" .@.ae .t
Il, don't think I'll invest" decided
the practical housewife. But II you
have q philter which viii make him
bring home some Of his salary on pay
day I'll allow you a percentage on all
sums realized. Courier
Journal ~ ~
The Cairo bulletin., 1912-05-02
Al 10 Hubby.

Iuquiring Friend--I should like to
know your husbands attitude on the
question Of woman suffrage. | sup
pose, though, when II comes to that,
he's up In the air, as the saying Is.
Mrs Leeder-Ons foot 10, anyway;
he's a kicker,
The Cairo bulletin., 1912-05-02
tneontestabte.

One evening golfer sat In his
grandfather's old armchair. eagerly
scanning the stop.press news, when
MS little son came to him and proudly
exhibited brand new colonel"
which he said he had fonnd over at
we links Are 7ou sure It was .
lost ball. Daviei" cautiously inquired
me golfing sire. "Lostr' said David
'of course II was Loot. ! saw the man
looking for it."--World Of Coli.
The Cairo bulletin., 1912-05-02

1t is claimed that a law passed by
the New Jersey legislature was
written by convict in the state
prison. II was designed to let some
other prisoners so free There have
been many laws written to keep men
out Of Jail, but this is the first one
on record framed to let out those al
ready In
The Cairo bulletin., 1912-05-02

The thief who took Woodrow
Wilson's suit ease may have wanted
to learn ii the governor wore
pajamas, In order to help him in his
decision how to vote.
The Cairo bulletin., 1912-05-02

On his scycnty-hftb birthday
which occurred recently. General
Horace Porter claims to have read
six Sunday papers General Porter
must peruse Sunday papers like the
rest of us---read the headline and
look at the pictures.
The Cairo bulletin., 1912-05-02

The above Ia correct statement
of The Cairo Bulletin for the year
and the month of March, 1912.
u. A. DALEY,
Genl Manager,
Subscribed and sworn to before
me this 10Th day of April, 1919.
LEO. J. kLEB,
Notary Public.
The Cairo bulletin., 1912-05-02
LAST OF LEPER
PRIESTS SLOWLY
DIES IN HIS HUT
Pere Dupuy Not Expected TO Live
Year Another Expects
Disease

Following oloce upon the news
just received from the Jesu IS in for
cisn mission fields that a distinguish
cd ono OF their number tere lsa-
dore Dupuy. who holds the much
coveted medal OF the Legion OF
Honor in France, had been stricken
with lcprosy and is now dying iii a
hut in the leper colony of Mariana.
Madagascar, comes word from
Brother Button, in l,olokai the last
of the renowned pioneer leper nurses
that he too, is expecting 70 be SINH
larry strit ken, and in consequence
has already prepared his work ,or
his successor
In letter received yesterday by
. Father Wynne, editor OF the Cath
Ollie Encyclopedia, Brother Dutton
indicates that he is awaiting his
fate with characteristic stoicism and
religious feryor Of his famous prode-
ccssor. Father Damien, the Apostle
of leper nurses, and Others who met
a like end
The Cairo bulletin., 1912-05-02

Bacon-This paper says there IS q
spring in Nevada whose waters taste
like chicken soup. .fg q
Egbert--Well. I've often had chicken
soup that tasted Just like spring wa
ter.
The Cairo bulletin., 1912-05-02
IL The Cause Of Freedom.

~ told the lawyer | wanted an abso.
Lutte divorce" said Mira. Flimgllt.
And what did he say2" Ia
"fIe told me he was an old friend Of
my husband and as a favor to him he
would take the case" WV
Her Trade,
That dressmaker would make a
good detective In one way
Howl 4"
she has o needle-like penetration
which pins one down to facts"
The Cairo bulletin., 1912-05-02
The Lazy. Way.

Mrs, crawford--Why don't you try
the new paper bag cooking? ~
Mrs Crabshaw-I would. dear, IL J.
thought 1t was as easy as getting the
meals in a paper bag at the deiicates.
scr. store. Judge.
The Cairo bulletin., 1912-05-02
Waiting.

The summer girl will soon he here
To staal our hearts away.
Wen all confess she's just n DEAR
Whate' or the Price we pay.
The Cairo bulletin., 1912-05-02
CIRCULATION STATEMENT.

Average lumber Of complete
and perfect copies Of The
Cairo Bulletin. printed daily
and Sunday during the year
OF 1871. 2277
Average number Of complete
and perfect copies of The
Cairo Bulleti1, printed DUR
ing the month OF March,
The Cairo bulletin., 1912-05-02

Jinks-He gavo hisi first child all
yer cup.
Blinks-~He gave his last one a tin
cup yesterday. ~ #
The Cairo bulletin., 1912-05-02

The peach crop evidently has az
many lives as cat.
The Cairo bulletin., 1912-05-02
GRIEF.

GRIEF.
Time cures our griefs. Latin
Proyerb.
He couquers grief who can 5
take firm resolution. Goethe.
Every one can master a grief
but he that. has It. Shakespeare.
She grieves sincerely who
grieves when unseen.-Martial.
Some Of your grief you have
cured.
And the sharpest you still have
survived.
But what torrents Of pain you
endured
From evils that never arrived!
Emerson.
The Cairo bulletin., 1912-05-02

(Whea the attention OF Tie Sui,
etiM Ii called to any miastatemeat
AZ fact or to any error eoneerzing
any man or thing. corrections viii
,heerfully Be mado.) %.
The Cairo bulletin., 1912-05-02
Description of Island.

This somewhat irregular line Of
bold mountain face varies In height
from 2,200 feet In the central part
of the island to $500 feet toward the
east Some higher peaks lie further
back in the eastern part, the high
est being almost 5000 feet. All OF
these highlands are strangely seam
The Cairo bulletin., 1912-05-02
Refreshing.
Feline.

Feline.
Lou---I would rather. a man would
call me a fool than knave.
Sue-of course. Its truth that
hurts. y "
The Yale expositor. (Yale, St. Clair County, Mich.) 1894-current, 1912-09-26
Prospects for the Seventh Annual
National Dairy Show, Chicago.

While this event has each year CIV
en- evidence OF its usefulness to the
dairy world, yet the rounding out OF
the seven-year period promises to
give to the country one of the most
valuable educational shows ever pre-
sented. With the thought in mind that
the importation OF dairy products IS
growing to a dangerous amount and
that present prices and general con-
dftion3 concerning agriculture In
Aner1ca warrant q tremendous amount
OF work to stop the terrific drain
upon our gold by foreign countries for
products we should and must grow
at home, the attention of the manage
ment has been given entirely to tho
rendering of practical demonstrations
on lines of the maximum OF produc-
ton at the minimum Of cost, of dairy
products. While features Of intense
moment on sanitary and hygienio
methods will be presented, yet the
paramount work of this great educa,
tional show is for the farmer.
Matters of breeding and feeding
will be presented by demonstration
and discussion; the better handling
and marketing Of dairy products win
be discussed-in fact, everything that
will tend to aid in profitable dairy
farming will be here shown and
talked over by the highest national
authorities. The machinery depart
ment will have many active, interest
ing and instructive exhibits. 1t is the
intention that every exhibitor shah
have an opportunity to display his e3
hibit, wholly or In part, in active use.
thus giving practical demonstrations
under expert hands. But the COW and
her place upon the farm will be the
paramount issue; with 100000 an
nually being shipped out of this coun-
try for dairy products, the COW and
how to increase her capacity has the
most need Of consideration by all
patriotic citizens.
No farmer in the middle west, be he
already engaged in dairying or not, can
afford to overlook this ten-day short
course in ell that Is best for the farm.
In fact, this show has assumed a rela-
ton with farming and dairying that
makes it the annual roundup Of all
affairs Of the dairy world, where
show-yard battles are settled for the
season; where trades are made and
where matters affecting the next
years work are discussed and
planned.
The show will be held this year.
commencing October "a, in the Inter
national Amphitheater. Chicago. While
the show is National In name. 1t will
be International in character, as by
comparison alone are we able to see
what is being accomplished the world
over. Some new and useful classes
are being added to the classification,
which will be ready for distribution
shortly. Adv.
The Yale expositor. (Yale, St. Clair County, Mich.) 1894-current, 1912-09-26

] a dog; but one can not carry a dog
half way round the world and back, at
least not with comfort What with
all these new-fangled quarantine laws,
duties, and fussy ships' officers who
wouldn't let you keep the animal in
your state-room, travelling with four
footed friend was almost an impossi-
bility. To be sure, women with
poodles. And then, there was
the bitter Of acid in the knowledge
that no one ever came up to him and
slapped him on the shoulder with "a
Hello, George, old sport; what's the
good word?" for the simple fact that
his shoulder was always bristling with
spikes, born OF the fear that some one
was making fun Of him.
Perchance his mothers spirit, how.
ering over him this evening, might
have been inclined to tears. For they
do say that the ghosts OF the dear
ones are thus employed when we are
near to committing some folly, or to
exploring some forgotten chamber OF
Pandora's box, or worse still. when
that lady intends emptying the whole
contents down upon our unfortunate
heads. If so be, they were futile
tears; Percival Algernon had accom-.
plished it's deadly purpose.
Pandora? Well. then, for the bene
fit of the children. She was a lady
who was an intimate friend of the
NEUROLOGICAL gods. They liked her APP
pearance so we'll that they one day
gave her box, casket, chest, or what
ever 1t was, to guard. By some mar
velous method, known only OF gods.
they had got together all the trials
and tribulations OF mankind land some
of the joys) and locked them up in
this casket. 1t was the Golden Age.
as you may surmise. You recall Eve
and the apple? Well. Pandora was a
forecast Of Eve; she couldn't keep her
eyes off the latch, and at length her
hands-Fatal curiosity! Whirr! And
everything has been at skies and at
sevens since that time. Pandora is
eternally recurring, now here, now
there; she is blonde sometimes, and
again she is brunette; and you may
take it from George and me that there
is always something left In the casket.
George closed the book and consult
ed his sailing-list In short time he
would leave for Port Said, thence to
Naples, Christmas there, and home in
January. Business had been ripping.
The Yale expositor. (Yale, St. Clair County, Mich.) 1894-current, 1912-09-26

| ing white mustache and imperial
there was a suggestion of militarism
He was Immediately followed by 9
young woman of twenty, certainly moi
over that age. George sighed wist
fully. lie envied those polo-players
| and gentlemanriders and bridge-ex
perts who were stopping at the hotel
1t wouldn't be an hour after dinner
before some one OF them found out who
she was and spoke to her in that easy
style which he concluded must be a
gift rather than an accomplishment
You mustn't suppose for minute that
George wasn't well-born and well-bred
simply because his name was Jones
Many Fitz-Hugh Maurice or Hugh
Fitz-Maurice might have been But
no matter. He knew instinctively
then, what elegance was when he saw
1t, and this girl was elegant, In dress,
In movement. He rather liked the
pallor OF her skin, which limited that
she wasn't one of those athletic girls
who bounced in and out of the din
ing-room, talking loudly and smoking
penny points. She was tall. He was
sure that her eyes were on the level
with his own. The grey veil that
dropped from the rim Of her simple
Leghorn hat to the tip Of her nose OBJ
scured her eyes. SO he could not know
that they were large and brown and
indefinably sad. They spoke not Of
WEAKNESS OF travel but OF a weari-
ness OF the world. more precisely, Of
the people who inhabited 1t.
She and her companion passed on
into the hotel, and II Georges eyes
veered again toward the desert over
which the stealthy puppies of night
were creeping. the impulse was me-
chanical; he saw nothing. In truth.
he was desperately lonesome, and he
knew, moreover, that he had no bust
ness to be. He was young; he could
at pinch tell a joke as we'll as the
next man; and IL he had never had
what he called an adventure, he had
seen many strange and wonderful
things and could describe them with
that mental afterglow which still lin
gers over the sunset of our first ex-
pressions In poetry. But there was
always that hydra-headed monster, for
ever getting about his feet numbing
his voice, paralyzing his hands, and
never he Topped off a head that an
other did not instantly grow in it's
The Yale expositor. (Yale, St. Clair County, Mich.) 1894-current, 1912-09-26
Different.

Albert ]. Beverage said in Chicago
Of a corrupt boss:
He's very cirtuous-h, very virtur
Gus.
"A millionaire once went to him and
said:
81 want to get In the senate. Will
you sell me your support
No, sir!' the boss answered. strik-
ing himself upon the chest. No. sirl
I'm free-born American citizen and
III sell my support to no man
But said the millionaire blandly.
as he drew out his checkbook and
fountainpen, but, il you won't sell me
your support, perhaps you'll rent It to
me for the term of this campaign?
Now you're talking said the boss
in a Modified tone"
The Yale expositor. (Yale, St. Clair County, Mich.) 1894-current, 1912-09-26

| clean boy like this one had not beer
sent to her in her youth. You see
the worldly-wise woman knows that
it is invariably the lay-fgure and not
Prince Charming that a woman mar
ries. and that matrjmony is blind
mans buff in grown-ups.
Many of us lay the blame upon our
parents. We shift the burden Of won
dering why we have this fault and
lack that grace to the shoulders of
our immediate forbears. We go to
the Office each morning denying that
we have any responsibility; We let
the boss do the worrying. But George
| never went prospecting In his soul for
any such dross philosophy. He was
grateful for having had SO beautiful
mother; proud Of having had so
honest sire; and If either of them
had endued him with false weights he
did his best to even up the balance.
The mother had been as romantic
as any heroine out of Mrs. Radcliff' 8
novels, while the father had owned
to as much romance as one generally
finds In a thorough business man,
which is practically none at all. The
very name itself is bulwark against
the intrusions of romance. One can
not lift the imagination to the pros
pect Of picturing a Jones in rufiles
and highboots. pinking a varlet in the
midriff. 1t smells Of sugarbarrels and
cotton-bales, of steamships and rail-
roads, of stolid routine in the office
and Of placid concern over the daily
news under the evening lamp.
Mrs. Jones. lovely, lettered yet not
worldly, had dreamed of her boy,
bayed and decorated. marrying the
most distinguished woman in all Eu-
rope, whoever she might be. Mr..
Jones had had no dreams at all, and
ping department little while after
the college threshold had been crossed,
outward bound. The mother, while
sweet and gentle, had a will, iron un-
der velvet, and when she held out for
Percival Algernon and decent knowl-
edge of modern languages, the old
man agreed If, on the other hand,
the boys first name should be George
and that he should learn the business
from the cellar up. There were sew
eral tits over the matter, but at
length a truce was declared. 1t was
agreed that the boy himself ought to
have a word to say upon subject
which concerned him more vitality
than any one else. So, at the age of
fifteen, when he was starting off for
preparatory school, no was advised
to choose for himself He was an ODE
dent son, adoring his mother and idol.
The Yale expositor. (Yale, St. Clair County, Mich.) 1894-current, 1912-09-26

izing his father. He wrote himself
down as George Percival Algernon
Jones, promised to become linguist
and to learn the rug business from
the cellar up. On the face Of it, 1t
looked like big job; It all depended
upon the boy.
The first day at school his misery
began. He had signed himself as
George +. A. Jones, no small diplo-
macy for a lad; but the two initials,
standing up like dismantled pines IN
the midst OF embarrassing landscape,
reused the curiosity of his school
mates. Boys are boys the world over.
and possess a finesse In cruelty that
only Indians can match; and 1t did
not take them long to unearth the IA
tai secret. For three years he was
The Yale expositor. (Yale, St. Clair County, Mich.) 1894-current, 1912-09-26

He would be jolly glad to get home
again. to renew his comradeship with
his treasures. And. by Jove! there
was one man who slapped him on the
shoulder, and he was no less n person
than the genial president Of the firm.
his fathers partner, at present his
own. IF the old chap had had daugh-
ter now. And here ono comes
at last to the bottom OF the sack. He
had only one definite longing. a
healthy human longing. the only long
ing worth while in all this deep, wide.
.round old top; to love woman and
by her be loved.
At exactly half after six the gentle
man with the reversible cuffs arrived;
and George missed his boat.
CTO BE CONTINUED)
The Yale expositor. (Yale, St. Clair County, Mich.) 1894-current, 1912-09-26
CHAPTER I.
What's in a Name?

WHdt . VI q INdU,C
To possess two distinctly alien rec
'corpuscles in ones blood, metaphor
fcally IL not in fact, two characters Of
Municipalities under one epidermis
is. in most cases, a peculiar disadvan
fage. sOne hears of scoundrels anC
saints striving to consume one an
other in one body, angels and har
pies; but ofttimes, quite the contrary
to being a curse, these two warning
temperaments become q mans ulti
mate blessing; as In the case OF
George p. A. Jones, OF Mortimer &
Jones, the great metropolitan Oriental
rug and carpet company, all OF which
has dignifed. sonorous sound.
George was divided within himself
even into the trusted If battered ear
OF the Egyptian Sphynx. There was,
however. no demon-angel sparring for
points In Georges soul The difficulty
might be set forth In this manner:
On one side stood inherent common
sense; on the other, boundless, ro-
seate imagination which was like
wise inherent-a kind of quixote imag-
tnation OF suitable modern pattern.
This alter ego terrified him whenever
1t raised Its strangely beautiful head
and shouldered aside his guardian
angel for that's what common sense
fs, argue to what end you will) and
pleaded in that luminous rhetoric I'M
der the spell Of which our old friend
Sancho often fell asleep
p. A, as they called him behind the
counters, was but twenty-eight, and IL
he was vice-president in his late IA
Tiers shoes he didn't wabble round
in them to any great extent. In
crowd he was not noticeable: he
didn't stand head and shoulders above
his fellow-men. nor would he have
been mistaken by near-sighted per-
sons, the myopes. for the Vatican's
Apollo In the flesh. He was of me-
dunn height, beardless, slender, but
tough and wiry and enduring. You
may see his prototype on the streets
dozen times a day, and you may
also pass him without turning round
for a second view. Young men like
P. A. must be intimately known to
be admired; you did not throw your
arm across his neck, first-ofY. His
hair was brown and closely clipped
about head that would have gained
the attention Of the phrenologist, II
not that of the casual passer-by. His
bumps, In the phraseology of that
science. were good ones. For the rest,
The Yale expositor. (Yale, St. Clair County, Mich.) 1894-current, 1912-09-26

he observed the world through a pair
OF kindly, shy, blue eyes.
Young girls, myopic through igno-
rance or Stiffness. seeing nothing be-
yond what the eyes see. seldom gave
him a second inspection; for he did
not know how to make himself at
,tractive, and was MORALLY afraid Of
the opposite, or opposing sex. he
could bullyrag a sheik out of his cam
els saddle-bags. but petticoats and
lace parasols and small Oxfords had
the same effect upon him that the
iprodding stick Of a small boy has
upon q retiring turtle. But many a
;worldly-wise woman. drawing out with
tact and kindness the truly beautiful
thoughts of this young mans soul.
sadly demanded Of fate why . sweet.
The Yale expositor. (Yale, St. Clair County, Mich.) 1894-current, 1912-09-26

place. Even the sword of Perseus
could not have saved him. since one
has to get away from an object In
order to cut 1t down
Had he really ever tried to over
come this monster? Had he not wait
ed for the propitious moment (which
you and | know never comes) to
throw off this species from Hades?
It is all very well, when you are old
and dried up, to turn to worries and
metals and precious stones; but when
fellows youngl You can't shake
hands with an ivory replica of the Tai
Mahal, nor exchange pleasantries with
Mandarin's ring. nor yet confide joys
and Ills into casket of rare emer-
aids: indeed, they do but emphasize
ones loneliness. II only he had had
The Yale expositor. (Yale, St. Clair County, Mich.) 1894-current, 1912-09-26
Sounds Familiar.

What did the preacher preach about
Sunday"
Thou shalt not steal"
I'm getting tired Of that kind of
talk. What business has a preacher
got mixing in politics?"
The Yale expositor. (Yale, St. Clair County, Mich.) 1894-current, 1912-09-26
How II Happened.

The confusion of tongues had just
fallen on Babel
1--WE are describing a ball game"
they explained