The Barre daily times. (Barre, Vt.) 1897-1959, 1912-07-02
Uncle Hiram S
Elixir
By M. QUAD

gentlest, incest old man to be found In
six counties. For forty-tiye years he
had lived in Scottsville, and his integ-
rity and uprightness were not to be
questioned. For twenty years he had
been justice of the peace, and yet he
had never had suit before him. He
advised and argued in his gentle way.
and all troubles were settled out OF
court When the villagers wanted to
speak highly Of a man they said he
was another Uncle Hiram.
Scottsville, like every other village In
the United States, had its favorite
mudhole. 1t was In the center Of the
town and In the center of the street
1t had existed for thirty years. 1t
might have figured out that the day
would come when some victim of that
mudhole would rise up in his wrath
and start a revolution, but no one fig
ured it. The years went past and no
one rose. The sense of security be-
came perfect.
1t was a stranger named Huppy
that brought about the grand climax.
He made washboards and peddled
them around the country. He heard
that Scottsville was slow town, and
he avoided 1t for years. Then came
the day when he went forth with
faint hope in his heart and arrived in
the village and in the midst Of that
mudhole at the same time. When
horse and wagon were pried out 1t
was found that twenty-three wash
boards, valued at 30 cents each. had
been utterly destroyed. Mr.. Huppy
wanted damages. He swore. He call.
ed names. He threatened lawsuits.
He went over to Clyde and consulted
a lawyer. 1t was the opinion Of the
lawyer that it was not against the law
for a town to maintain large and
juicy mudhole on its main street. Mr..
Huppy could have gone to any other
town Just as well. He could have re-
NAMED on the other side of the mud
hole.
Mr.. Huppy swallowed the advice, but
not the Insult to his washboards. He
thirsted for revenge, and he did heap
of thinking for a month. He had
brother in the ginger ale business. and
that fact gave him his cue at last a
call was made on Uncle Hiram May
hew. Mr.. Huppy had discovered the
elixir Of life. He wanted to call it aft.
err Uncle Hiram, and he wanted to
make Uncle Hiram the agent for SCOTS.
vile.
When It came out that Uncle Hiram
had an elixir that was rolling the bur.
dens of years off his back as you roll
a bowlder downhlll there was rush
to buy at 80 cents a bottle. The stuff |
was gone In day and new supply
sent for. In week there were smiles
and grins on every face In the village.
There were song and laughter. Even
Mr.. Simms, the dry goods man. who
was on the verge of bankruptcy. stood
at his store and swung his hat and ex.
claimed:
"Who cares for who cares? 1t isn't
as If we were only going to live to be
ninety years old!'
Balmy? Why, for three weeks the
village of Scottsville was so soft and
gentle and peaceful and restful and
permeated with good will to man that
folks wondered If 1t would pay to go
to paradise for change. Then came
a fourth consignment of the elixir. A
few noticed that 1t was little strong.
er than before and the directions had
also been changed. Instead OF table.
spoonful three times day, 1t was half
q tumbler four times day. the first
dose to be taken directly after break
fast and the second two hours later.
Some held out to take third dose at
| o'clock in the afternoon, but when
o'clock came the town of Scottsville
was in trouble-that is, 1t was on a
spree. 1t had lost its balminess, and its
yentleness had departed.
There were quiet DRINKS for the wo
men and screaming old sprees for the
men. No one afterward remembered
ust when the change set In. The
own was as peaceful as usual when !
Deacon Barrows suddenly called Mr.. !
Graham a liar. He didn't specify any
lie, but spoke in a general
way. Mr.. Graham was feeling colty,
md he therefore BACKED the deacon's
we. Ten minutes later fights were go
ng on everywhere. Some of the good
wives got Off their Keeling beds to stag
Ter out in their back yards and charge
ach other with borrowing fatirons,
ca. coffee. sugar and nutmegs without
bought of return. Words were spoken
nd threats made that have not been
to this day. :.
And all that night the washboard
nan moved about the village. grinning,
neering and laughing and provoking
i will wherever he could. He reused
p drunken men to dose them over
gain. He caused men to fight who
ad never fought before. He opened
ates to hogs and cows, and he cum
cred the streets with barrels and box
s. He had 1t all his own way for
ours.
Next day after the scene of desecra-
lon had been partly cleared away
here was public meeting TO see what Z
ould be done. Nothing. a lawyer \
aid Any man has a right to COM !
ound an elixir. IL folks buy 1t and {
axe it they must abide the conse- .
uences. He might have wrought the :
evastation. but who was sober enough 7