The Democratic banner. (Mt. Vernon, Ohio) 1898-192?, 1912-11-12
THE DUMB WAITER
It Played a Low Down Trick on
the Master OF the House.
A HOT TIME ON A COLD NIGHT.

and His Desssd Persistence In A.
tempting 70 Satisfy 4.
One Of the old time humorous writ
ers was "sparrowgrass," and the fol.
lowing account Of his adventure with
a dumb walter gives good idea Of his
amusing style:
One evening Mrs. 8. had retired,
and I was busy writing when It struck
the a glass Of Ice water would be pal
atable. SO took the candle and a
pitcher and went down to the pump.
Our pump Ia In the kitchen. A coun-
try pump In the kitchen is more con-
venlent. but a well with buckets In GER
tainly most picturesque. Unfortunate
y our we'll water has not been sweet
since It was cleaned out.
First I had to open a boited door
that lets you into the basement hall.
and then I went to the kitchen door.
which proved to be locked. Then re-
membered that our girl always car
ried the key to bed with her and slept
with It under her pillow. Then | re-
traced my steps. bolted the basement
door and went up into the dining room.
As Ia always the case. I found when I
could not get any water | was thirstier
than supposed was. Then I
thought would wake our girl up.
Then concluded not to do 1t. Then
I thought OF tue well. but gave that
mp on account OF its flavor Then |
opened the closet doors. There was no
water there. Then ! thought of the
iumb waiter! The novelty of the idea
made me smile. | took out two of the
movable shelves. stood the pitcher on
the bottom OF the dumb waiter. got In
myself with the lamp. let myself down
until supposed was within a foot
Of the floor below and then let go.
We came down 80 suddenly that I
was shot out of the apparatus as II 1t
had been a catapult. 1t broke the
pitcher. extinguished the lamp and
landed me In the middle Of the kitchen
at midnight. with no fire and the air
not much above the zero point The
truth Is I had miscalculated the dis
tance of the descent Instead Of falling
one fOoa I had fallen Ave. My flrst
impulse was to ascend by the way |
came down. but 1 found that imprac-
ticable. Then I tried the kitchen door.
II was locked. tried to force It open.
It was made of two inch stun and held
its own. Then I hoisted q window,
and there were the rigid iron bars, II
ever felt angry at anybody 1t was at
myself for putting up those bars to
plense Mrs. Sparrowgrass. put them
up not to keep people In. but to keep
people out.
I iaid my cheek against the ice cold
barriers and looked at the sky. Not a
star was visible. IL was as black rs
Ink overhead Then ! made a noise.
shouted until I was bonrse and ruined
our preserving kettle with the poker.
That brought our dogs out In full bark,
and between us we made the night
hIdeous Then l thought | heard a
voice and listened II was Mrs Spar
rowgrnss calling to me from the top
Of the staircase. tried to make her
hear me. but the Internal dogs united
with howl and growi and bark. 40 as
to drown my voice. which In naturally
plaintlve and tender. Besides. there
were two bolted doors and double deaf
ened floors between us. How could she
recognize my voice. even II she did
hear III
MIR Sparrowgrass called once or
twice and then got frightened The
next thing ! heard was u sound as ir
the roof had fallen In. by which | un'
derstood that Mrs Sparrowgrass was
springing the rattle! That called out
our nelghbOr. alrendy wide awake He
came to the rescue with II bull terrier.
a Newfoundland pup. a lantern and a
revolver. The moment he saw me ut
the window he shot at me. but fortu-
nately Just missed me threw myself
under the kitchen tnhle and ventured
to expostulate with him. hut he would
not listen to reason In the excite
ment | had forgotten his name, and
that made matters worse, II was not
until he had reused up every yb0dy
around. broken In the basement door
with an ax. got Into the kitchen with
his cursed savage dogs aud shooting
iron and seized me by the collar that
he recognized me. and then he wanted
me to explain It. But what kind Of an
explanation could I make TO him? 1
told him he would have to wait until
my mind was composed and then /