The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-05-26
PUBL|CANS ARE
 BADLY 4SC00PED' Newspaper Men Hold Con- vention Month in Advance T. R., THE HAT, THE RING Clark and His Houn' Dawg, Wilson and Hearst Represent Democrats.
 Militant Suffragette
 Starts Things
T. R., THE HAT, THE RING

Chicago. May 25.-The Chicago Press club tonight "scoopeds the republican party by holding the national conyen- ton almost a month in advance of the set time for 1t. The convention was held in downtown theatre before a large audience.
 Taft, Roosevelt, LaFollette, Cannon, Champ Clark, Wilson. Hearst and even on the stage. About 150 persons took part in the performance. The burlesque was in one act, it having been an nounced that the club would present "in one act the many screaming acts of the political leaders of the day"
 The curtain rose on a convention scene with tempoary chairman, news paper men, telegraph operators, and several delegations In their places. A few seconds later, the New York dele gation entered. They carried banners inscribed Jim Jeffrles Thought So. Too" and We Are for Big Built Aft" :" The lone Roosevelt delegate was tied and blindfolded
 Candidates Enter
 Roosevelt, clad in a cowboy outfit followed quickly. After exclaiming liars" he threw his hat Into the audi ence. Then he described chalk line ring on the stage and threw another hat into it. In snappy sentences he explained he was not candidate for the nomination and that if he accepted 1t, he would have to force himself to do so.
 T have gone all over the country trying 10 stop this movement.p he de- clared.
 Roosevelt having retired. IaFollette and the Wisconsin delegation appeared. After kicking Roosevelt's hat out of the ring, LaFollette announced his platform, bearing greatly on the Wis consin income tax, which, he declared, gave men with large families large tax exemptions.
 If man has 12 children, Roosevelt pays him compliment; LaFollette pays him a bonus,". said the speaker
 A message arrived for Roosevelt, and upon being paged. he decided he had been nominated so he re-entered the and began to thank It's members for the great honor they had thrust upon him. Informed of his error, he replaced his hat in the ring and then departed.
 Amid great disorder Cannon rushed into the convention. pushed the tenn porary chairman from the platform and took up the gavel.
 Must Have Harmony
 We must have harmony,"s he shouted, "even if we have to fight for It.
 The. Ohio delegation arrived with President Taft. He gave Roosevelt's s hat the customary kick and made speech.
 q am against the recall" he said "I am especially opposed to the recall of President after he is out 1 find nothing in the constitution about thls out agin', in agin' business, and the constitution must be preserved I don't want to move. l hope every man who had to move May l will vote for me-
 Champ Clark and his ''dawg" followed the next arrivals the divided Missouri delegation The dog kicked the hat from the ring and for the insult suf- fered several kicks from Roosevelt. who replaced the hat. Inquiry as to what Clark was doing in a republican convention brought the reply that he wanted to obtain some pointers from the Roosevelt faction on how to run the Baltimore gathering.
 Both Governor Wilson and Hearst. who appeared after Clark, Knocked the hat out of the ring with the result that Roosevelt first glued 1t down and later put a brick under 1t. Eventual ly, Taft kicked the brick.
 Suffragette Starts Things
 While the nominating speeches were being made militant suffragette stormed the convention and began to She took Taft to task for never having written any Dear Maria" letters; because he wanted the hand that rocked the cradle to work over time; LaF'ollette for hls hair, which, she alleged. was false; Clark for calling himself speaker of the Houpse in de- fan of the we'll known fact that a woman always has been the rightful owner of that title; Wilson for wearing a cap and gown, thus robbing woman of her rights, and Hearst for having as- serted he was a great editor. although many of his columns have been filled by women writers.
 The suffragette placed In nomination q newspaper woman who gives advice to sentimental people regarding affairs of the heart The speaker declared her candidate had exposed more crook ed men than the sherman law.
 The vote on Taft, Roosevelt and La Toilette resulted in a tic, each receiv- ing 359 votes Cannon announced that the man whose friends made the most noise would be declared the nominee. In the bedlam which followed. all of the delegates shouted for all of the candi-