davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-12-23
Presidents With Humor

Abraham Lincoln is remembered as c humorist and man of anecdote. Al though not professional wit, his repartee was keen and quick and his stories told to illustrate truth were as full of humor as some of the say ings of Artemus Ward or Mark Twain.
 As humorous President Woodrow Wilson gives promise of being close second to Lincoln. He is a joker and his humor is spontaneous and mirth provoking. It is sometimes whimsical and it is always fresh. His witty al lusions to the alleged unlucly number 13 were characteristically humorous and his jocular warning to the Wall street man who would bring on a panic-he would hang him on gibbet as high as Haman's-has been widely quoted and the newspaper par agraphers have used it gleefully.
 Some of the opposition to Champ Clark as a presidential aspirant came from those who thought that he was too much of humorist-too much of a comedian-to be considered for the --exaited office in question. MT. Clark is an able man but the public has usually thought of him first as a joker. No man is fit for high position unless he be endowed with imagina- tion And if he be devoid of sense of humor he will fall short of achiev- ing the highest success. But his hu- mor must be timely and not predomi- nant. Serious thought should come first with humor as side line, so to speak.
 George Washington was fond of joke but he told his jokes solemnly. He was not humorist in the coin- monly accepted sense. John Adams had a good deal of quaint humor. Jef- ferson was not lacking in humor and it is safe to say that all of the Presi- dents down to Lincoln could appreciate clean fun. But it was not until 1861 that this country had chief magis- trate who might have made his living as humorist had he adopted the pro- 5ession.
 General Grant was noted for vein of quiet humor. Whenever he saw an article abusing him or criticizing him severely he read it and chuckled. President Garfield had fine sense of humor and was one of the best Taconteurs in public life; but in rol- licking humor the names of Lincoln and Woodrow Wilson will probably be coupled through the years to come.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-12-23
Ambassador to Great Britain

"A New York paper prints the rllmor that one of the early appointments of Woodrow Wilson as President will he Thomas Nelson Page as ambassador near the Court of St. James," said a member of Birminghams Virginia colony.
 Page would make an admirable ann bassador. President Taft has announced that he will not fill the vacancy caused by the death of Whitelaw Reid and as the ambassadorship is of great impor- tance at this time it may be assumed that Mir. Wilson will act soon after the fourth of March.
 Tom Page is ore of the most popular men in this country and he is also popu- lar in England, where his books are read ard appreciated He has visited England frequently and has many warm personal friends there in off ficial as well as literary circles Page has long been a toant in society and in the literary world. Had he written only Marse Chan, Inc Edin- lurgs Drownin', and Meh Lady his name would stand high among men of letters. But he has done some first class historical work. His Robert E. Lee, the Southerner,' has decided historic value. He has charming wife. who is wealthy end hospltable. Should Tom Page be ap- pointed ambassador it is safe to say that he and Mrs. Page will quickly establish reputation in Lcndon of which all Americans will be proud.
 Although Tom Page has been made rluch of in clubs and bookdom, he is un- sr oiled He is a thorough Virginian and a true American. hope to see his name go to the Senate"
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-12-23

Sarah Bernhardt in January Strand.
 Someone once wrote great thought to the effect that If she be not fair to me, what care I now fair she be-" When l answer your query l am think ing of those lines, and, as modesty is a gift of priceless value, I will try to tell you. not how I keep beautiful -I do not regard myself as beautiful in any sense of the word--but how l con trive to keep young which, after all. seems to me matter of far greater importance, for is it not true that "a beautiful woman dies twice?" So a young woman, you must realize ir any case, is at least spared the pain of twice quitting this old world.
 In the first place, let me say .hat it has always beeen my strong> belief that we are all as old as we feel. And as I do not feel old at all, take leave to state that I am rot old. Moreover, as long as my work remains with me 1 shall continue to be young. Enjoy ment of ones work is one of the great est secrets of youth. People who wish to feel young should therefore. con- tinue to work as long as possibla.
 Diet? What is one woman's meat is another womans poison" Diet, there fore. must obviously always be a mat ter of individual taste. At the same time a lengthy experience of life has taught me that simplicity in food is a potent aid to youth and beauty Be simple in diet at all times.
 Perhaps, however. the real secret of keeping young and retaining nature s priceless endowment of beauty lies in taking plenty of regular daily oxer- else, and indulging daily in several hours commune with fresh air. For the rest l think I have little else to say, for really the secret of keeping young-yet. and, if you wish it. beauti- full, too--4ies in moderation in diet, lregularity in exercise, enthusiasm over ones work, and the cultivation of never worrying over matters from which worry will not extrcate one
 As far as I am personally concerned | time has decreed that I must, on oc- lcasions. consult my doctors advice with regard to my health, but as HcNtI pS any titdHct uo Nildt ny COG
 tor tells me, do not regard this as a
 matter of real importance. But, betw cen
 ourselves, my policy of ignoring my
 doctors advice with unerring consist
 ency may, it seems to me, have a eooo
 deal to do with my close affinity to the famous Peter Pan, with whom | think l may say, l have the secret oi lsuccessfully never knowing how tc l grow old
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-12-23
UNCONSCIOUS HuMoR
From the Cleveland Press.

From the tleNeidnu tIeSS.
 The audience which heard the Rev. w.. w. Bustard, John D. Rockefellers Cleve- land pastor. address the Christian En- deavor convention was amused by a story on the richest man.
 While riding in an auto with Mir. Rockefeller recently. some miles from Cleveland" said the Rev. Dr. Bustard. i've were about to pass d little barefoot girl, plodding along through the dust, when Mir Rockefeller ordered the chauf- feur to halt the car. Then he invited her to step up on the running board and asked her where she would like to have the car stopped.
 ''rhe little girl said she wanted to get off at the second crossroads, and asked:
 "'How far are you going?
 ''Oh. we5re going to heaven MT. Rock efeller answered.
 'sThe little girl was surprised, as many people are when he says that. Then ne asked:
 Don't you think we'll get there?
 No, said the little girl.
 .' And why not? persisted Mir. Roclse- feller.
 I don't think you have enough gas olsne, she said''
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-12-23
OLD TIME rIPPLING

Dr. Charles Mercer in the Lancet.
 Before England became a sober nation the doctor was often half seas over whom he attended his drunken patient; the par son was often drunk in the pulpit; judge, counsel and attorneys pursued their avo- cations in court in a prevailing atmos- phere of hot coppers. The prime minister went drunk to the house of commons. where he was attacked by the leader of the opposition, also drunk, while order was kept by speaker who was in the same condition.
 There was no excise on spirits, and the coarser kinds of distilled liquors were very cheap. As you passed along the by streets of London, and perhaps of other great cities, you might read the legend hung out over the drink cellars: Here you may get drunk for a penny; dead drunk and clean straw for twopence'
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-12-23
CHILDREN AND RELIGION

From the "Children's Chatter" in the
 January Strand.
 Children have curious notions of relig- gior. sometimes.
 Mamma, I.want some water to christ en my doll" exclaimed little girl.
 "No, dear" replied her mother; ''ysu should not make fun of such things
 .sWell. then, want some wax to waxi- nate her She's old enough to have some thing done"
 Yet. as Professor Muirnead has said,. "The sutdy of the child showed that re- ligion was the naturaI product of the human soul, and the interest in religion was shown by such question asa Who and others bad" We are so accustomed to regard the child of a past age as ab- normally piors that we feel inclined to be shocked with the modern little eicl who. after a month spent with h'i mother in remote country cottage, walking through the fields one evening, suddenly exclaimed:-
 q do wish God was with me now. num- my"
 
 The child heaved a sigh. I'm getting a little bit tired of you, mummy There is a straightforwardness about child which, unfortunately. he loses as he grows older. The story of the boy who was heroically trying to save hls pen nies. put into concrete form the petition in the Lords Prayer when one night ne began, 70 Lord, help me to save my money' Along with this trait there IS sn element of reasoning in the following story. told by MT. H. k. Lewis A httie girl was not pleased with her brothers because they were in the habit of settlng trans to catch birds. Asked what she did. she replied: 'I prayed that the traps might not catch the birds "Anything else?'
 .syes.'' she said. 'I then prayed thai God would prevent the birds getting into tho traps" and as if to illustrate the doc trine of faith and works. she added: T want and kicked the traps all to pieces"
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-12-23
U1 AsHINGToN, December %
 A/ (Special.) )-For years, nay, ce w turiee, nav again, sever

l W tSpecial)-For years, nay, cen turies, nay again, several
 times, for many centuries. a problem
 has confronted the people to which there
 has been no satisfactory answer; appar-
 ently it could not be solved.
 Men disagreed about 1t; national high brows delved into science for the. answer and came back empty handed. Other great questions, like the tariff, were get | tied with the ballot, but nations have l fourished and passed away without a | tariff; the trust question has caused heat 1 ed and enless discussion, but no one doubts but what happy solution of it
 may be had, and then empires have blazed their way across the frmaments of history and disappeared into the gol- den whence, without single trust; but since the time of men this question has | abided with Us and has 8till remained a question, a large and luminous interro- gation standing erect and alone like fn- ger with a bone fellon on it, and that is,
 why do men drink?"
 | In vain have philosophers searched the hearts of men to discover what inspira- tion it was that led them to wander into
 barroom and place their left foot on the
 railing and say. watcher goin' to have?" In vain have alienists alienated by peer ing into the glassy eyes of thorough gen. tlemen, and others not so thorough, seek | ing some mystic symbols that might per
 chance explain the Vaccinations of the
 demon rum. Nay, they have gone further
 and tried it themselves, experimenting in the first person, and usually continued to experiment without enightening the world.
 For time since the mind of man run neth not to the contrary. wives had pom
 dered this question. Why is it that husband will stay out till the hour hand
 has crept slowly round to a. m. soaking
 his sy stem full of bad smelling intenper- | ance, and then blunder in and go to bed
 on the piano with his boots on, and then
 go through the ordeal next morning of trying to persuade her that he meyer had but one drink and had been setting up with a corpse or a sick friend" while he is suffering the agonies of a sick stomach and a stricken conscience. and the inabil- ity to get his hat on with shoe horn? Why does he do it, when the unhappy results are so frequently demonstrated to him? No one could answer the question.
 Everybody gave 1t up.
 has been spread broadcast throughout
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-12-23
Santa Claus in New York

A Christmas tree--a huge balsam 60 feet high and ablaze with electric lights--is to be set up in Madison square, New York, on Christmas eve. This "four-story-high" tree is the gift of a lady and her friends living near Central park. At first she proposed to distribute gifts from the tree, but the police declared this to be impractica- ble, and so this feature of the plan was given up. Music by an excellent band was substituted for the pro- posed presents. The tree is to be illuminated on Christmas eve and also on Christmas night, and the band will play on both occasions.
 Instead of the beating of tin pans and the like an effort is to be made in New York to substitute the singing of popular songs and the music of the best bands. The tree in Madison square will be but one of numerous efforts to change the manner of celc- brating the great festival. Music is certainly better than the beating of tin pans, and New York is hoping -to see a change that will be satisfactory to all in it's observance of the day.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-12-23
pArcHEs oN TRousERs
,ba Walker County News.

Erom the Walker County NeWs.
 In The Age-Herald column of Tn Hotel .obbes.' one of Birmingham's citizens speaks i'll of a countryman who visited that city wearing trousers that were atched.
 The man who gave the interview ssie matches denoted laziness and was very severe in his criticism, but if that man will get out of the city and look around little he will find very intelligent and industrious people whose garments are patched And they have pride, too. but not the kind of false pride you meet in cities and towns One. is a pride born e1 q desire to accumulate and stay out
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-12-23
Regarding Standard of Success

Some weeks ago I read an article in The Age-HeraId, reproduced from the Baltimore Manufacturers Record, en- titled, False Standard of Success {" said a professional man.
 "The Record took for it's text remark attributed to James J. Hill and used in a savings bank advertisement to the effect that no one was ever a success in life who did not save money. The Baltimore elitor took strong issue with that sort of preachment. and so do I protest.
 While we all admire thrift and while it is the duty of all as a general proposi- tion to save money and accumulate a suf- foiency for rainy day. there have been great things in this world who had never saved anything to speak of
 ''u. s. Grant was very much of a sue cess. but he went through life without accommodating any property. It was only at the close of his career that he made financial hit by writing his autobi- ography-a valuable contribution to his- tory
 Lincoln, believe. owned a home, but Ee was always what we call a poor man General Hancock, who was the democrat ic standard bearer in 1880 and who was the senior major general of the United States army at the time of his death, mad not accumulated a dollar. As he left no estate. Congress had to pass an act giv- ing a pension of $2O0o a year to his widow.
 Woodrow Wilson is very much of a success, but he has never been able to save much. A long list of forceful men of our day who are practically moneSless might be mentioned. Of course, these men are the exceptions to the rule. Ev- cry young man who receives good wages should save something"
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-12-23

IN the January American Magazine ap-
 pears the beginning of the Diary \ of a Cop" It is the plain unvar- nished tale, though true, of the gentle art of making a decent man a grafter. The first chapter is entitled How fl Learned" Following is an extract:
 "If a cop can be on the square the first year and not die of starvation or see his wife and kid die, he's safe. But the first year is hell.
 Was looking in the hat window when along comes Harry Ebbins. He Is the Tammany precinct captain in my district, and a good fellow. He asked me If l was going to get bonnet for Minnie, and II l was he would get his Mary to pick It out for me. He helped get me over the jumps in landing on the cops. told him I wasn't getting any hats this Christ mas.s
 we went over to the rear entrance of Paddy the Pigs for a drink. Harry want ed to open a small bottle of wine because it was Christmas Eve, but nix on the hard stuff for me. Harry said things were going fine with him, and that the pickings were good. He showed me his precinct book, and it had the name of every voter in his district, and he could tell months ahead what democratic majority would cost when he would go down to the hall in Fourteenth street on dough day. He said he was slated for a deputy commis- slenership with bunch of jobs to hand out. That is his strong game. He knows how to place the right fellow every time.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-12-23
FROM THE DIARY OF A COP

Harry flashed roll of money and strung me along for half hour, me slipping my beer and porter.
 My Mary knows what you and Min nie are up against he said. She was over to see Minnie last week and found CT doing the washing with a pain in the back. She told Mary that she thought there would be more trouble and expense in the summer I told him she didn't tell me nothing about it. The women always tell those things to each other first he said. I felt cold all over. If a baby comes along during the summer, God kncws where we'll get stalxed to pull through. It would break her heart to go to a free hospital, she is that proud. But I made up my mind not to say anything to her about it until after the holidays.
 Sure l know the game you're up against, says Harry. Amt I helped a dozen fellows in this district get on the cops. and ain't I helped every one of them get through the first year? Don't know? Well, I guess. I'm no bonehead, Mllle,' he says. I'll help you all can over the hard spots, and when you get through the hard times you can slip it back to me. When I see guy peeping in a window full of fancy lids for ladies on Christmas Eve, know what he's up against if he don't go in the shop and rush out with new bonnet
 Harry peeled a twenty case from his roll and slipped it to me under the table. I felt like I was having a chill when I took it. It must have been the beer and porter. I'll pay him back as soon as my equipment is all settled for.''
 .s.s...""sss...s.ssssss'. ss'..ss..s.s.s.......".... of debt, while the other is a pride that prevents one from doing manual labor.
 If the Birmingham man will do a little investigation he will no doubt find that some of the city's most substantial men wore patches or received their instrue- tion from fathers who did.
 No indeed. all the men who wear patches are not lazy.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-12-23

retain the Burnett bill. The bill as it stands would among other proposi- tions bar from the United States im- migrants over 16 years of age unable to read except those who emigrated on account of religious persecution at home.
 The best informed disagree over the literacy test. Some say that while this country is in the building stage all men with the hoe should be ad- mitted. Others say the proposed sift- ing process will not keep out the un- desirable immigrant, for the anarch- ist is almost to a man one who can read.
 It is not easy to say how those of good health and good character can be distinguished at the entrance port from those that have neither. The problem is a difficult ona, and the use of the reading test may lead to something better later on. Some re- striction is considered needful, and the reading test will suffice as Starter" It would be tentative no doubt, and Congress cannot do better than to try it as things stand We really want fewer immigrants who finger in the large cities of the coun- try and more who seek the farms and industrial plants in the vast scope of the interior of the country.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-12-23
Restriction of Immigration

The Burnett literacy test takes the place of the Dillingham; bill. It went through the House by vote of IFS to 62. but the Senate refused to accept 1t, and it has been sent to conference committee which will, it is thought
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-12-23

The pellagra tables recently complied cover five years, 1907 to 1911 inclusive. Jefferson county Is accorded ea5 cases, or about i3 cases year. About one-third of the cases are fatal. There has never been time when this county had 225 cases a year.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-12-23
MOST LIKELY

From the Springfield Union.
 An offer of 5000 has been refused for a pedgreed cat in New York" says the Birmingham Age-Hersid. The owner probably was the guy that put the greed in pedigreed
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-12-23

James Buchanan. e3-president. left a fund to Lancaster. his native city, tha- now yields s3ooo a year. and the money is expended each year in buying coal for the worthy poor.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-12-23

pr. Lyman Abbott's speciality is the gathering in of ex-Presidents, and he may find place for William Howard Taft, who can lecture at Yale and write edi- torials alternately
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-12-23

In the nine months ending with Sep tember last the F1lipinos were com pcled to import rice instead of expert ing it. A drouth made the difference.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-12-23

Twenty-four cents has become the standard price for candled cold storage eggs in the big cities. The same kind of eggs still sell in this city at 40 cents.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-12-23

President Taft will spend Christmas in Panama. and he may get the canal in his stocking, It would not>be so great mis- ht as some might think.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-12-23

The vote to bond New York state for an additional s5oOOO,oOo for good roads was carried in the recent election by S'e.- 2sS majority. That was "some' majority.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-12-23

The wires say it is 122 degrees in the shade at Sydney, Australia, but it is the good old summer time in that quarter of the world at present
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-12-23

The story of the dissolution of the but fer trust should so they say in the mid dle west. be taken with a few grains of dairy salt
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-12-23

Will operate with q minimum capacity of ao00 tons of ore Q day. This is regarded as one of the most important enterprises of the year."
 Secretary of Commerce and Labor
 "One of the most important positions in the cabinet is that Of Secretary of Commerce and Labor.' said a well known citizen.
 John Mitchell has been suggested for the position, but he will probably not be eligible. as he was not affiliated with the democratic party in the recent campaign. At any rate, that is my understanding. Had he supported MT. Wilson he would have been a very likely man for the sec retaryship.
 "C. r. Neill, who is at present commis- sioner of labor in the department of com raerce and labor, would make an ideal secretary. When Judge Gray was arbi- tfator in a coal strike here some years ago MT. Neill accompanied him and filled the responsible position of recorder of the arbitration court. I happen to. know Mir Neill well. IIe is not only an edu- cated man, but he has made a special study of labor conditions for many years past. He is fair minded and should ne head the department both capital and labor could count on absolutely fair trea tment.n
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-12-23

The young son of the late millionaire candy manufacturer, John s. Huyler, was killed near New York by slipping under a train which he had jumped onto after it had started.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-12-23

Despite a falling egg market, laying hen recently sold for $500.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-12-23

The suffragettes who are marching to Albany are making a shell road as they pass along by eating peanuts.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-12-23

The suffragettes are now cutting wires In telephone boxes. This is better than smashing windows-just trifle better, and that Is all.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-12-23

beautiful poem by the Rev. pr. w. E. Evans will be found in today's Age Herald-on this page.