davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09
\ Great Wit

The late Bishop Winner, for long years the head of the Protestant Episcopal dio- cese Of Alabama, was a celebrated wit. In the opinion of many he originated more good witticisms than any man of his tinc Other mems jokes and repartee have been much quoted, but Bishop Winners fun was so spontaneous and his stories so apt that he should be ranked among the fore most of American wits. In new collec- tion of humorous stories and anecdotes published by P. F. Collier & Son will be found this:
 "Bishop Wilmer of Alabama. famous as a storyteller, told of one of his friends who had lost a dearly beloved wife, and in his sorrow caused these words to be inscribed on her tombstone: The light of mine eyes has gone out. The bereaved married within year. Shortly afterward the bishop was walking through the graveyard with another gentleman When they arrived at the tomb the latter asked the bishop what he would say of the pres ent state of affairs, in view of the words on the tombstone. I think said the bishop the worrss But have struck an other match should be added
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09
HE SPOKE TOO LATE.

This is Maclyn Arbuclle's story, and by the way of giving proper credit it should be added that MT Arbuckle has just made something better than good with a new sketch in vaudeville. MT Arbuckle found four negro porters en- gagged in poker at a hotel in which he stopped recently. As MT. Arbuckle has won money at poker-oh, yes, two or three times he has won money at poker he stopped and looked on. By and by along came a jackpot. The ante was a dime.
 "Only 30 cents on de table," said the dealer. Who's shy? I'm in"
 I'm in,' said the second man.
 I'm in." said the third man. Dat crooked dime is nah pocket piece. I'd know it anywhere"
 The fourth man slowly produced 10-
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09
REFLECTIONS OF A BACHELOR

From the New York Press
 Poverty never needs any pushing to keep rolling along.
 The devil puts folk on their honor so as to be sure to get them.
 A big head is always so light the frail- est shoulders can carry 1t.
 A,girl never takes as long to make up her kind to marry a man as she does to make mp his.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09

By Gabrielle D'Annunzio. {
 tFree Translation.) A IT, not ten songs-ten ships, hewn "A out of steel, 4 A And welded with the love that
 made our songs, Thou didst demand Of us, dear Father
 land.
 syllables, But glowing armor. plate to plate
 allied: In every one a promise, fixed and true. And, To. ten ships are here, all armed
 for war, Waiting the signal that shall set them
 free. And thv Rear Admiral is waiting, too. Alas, all can give thee is my pain That, and my song. My brief forgetful-
 ness Is ended, and my heart with anguish
 thrills Today suffer with the bleeding
 wounds Of those who walk Au-ta ihe tti9y
 wastes Bounding the Deseit. aft hfioia tne
 stars Throbbins above the eat inar ise And coniure up the iefia cl tNNse n11[
 dear, Remote as Heavn it freH iAls4 ftt
 hearts. So I awaken from 4 fFrtHe6 q Of my unhoped for pF hinae H.th
 Life And robbed. alas. of sE MaHyrtcsla
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09
A CURIOUS MIND.

n CCiNIOCS MIND.
 ou are acquainted with Digsforth believer"
 "Oh, yes'
 He likes to be well informed con- cerning matters that very few people know anything about" For instance?
 lie Is familiar with the achievements or all the American immortals whose names appear on the revised list"
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09
Among inc Needs of Birmingham

"Modern fireproof hotels will be built in Birmingham in the near future, and then it will be in order for public spirited citizens to build an auditorium with a seating capacity of 5000 or lo,- O00," said a member of the Chamber Of Commerce.
 with new hotels Birmingham Will naturally be popular convention city, but we cannot invite national bodies Of vast size to meet here until we have an auditorium with a large seating ca pacity. Atlanta's spacious auditorium is owned by the city Individuals put up the money and built it, but on the condition that the city would take 1t off their hands, and that scheme was carried out. Birmingham is now in position to build an auditorium, but if private individuals would organize a company and erect structure such as is needed the city government should be able to maintain it."
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09
CATS MUST WEAR TAGS

From the Chice go Tribune.
 Of the many German municipalities which have long threatened to levy a tax on oats. Munich is the first to carry the threat into effect. In future each cat must wear a collar with a metal check and a number, similar to those worn by dogs. m
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09

JUMPING AT A CONCLUSION. "Pm afraid Buffins has bad reputa- tfon among his friends"
 Why do you think SOP"
 Well, if Buffins should happen to be knocked down by an automobile and one of his cronies were told that Buff fins was in a comatose condition, if he didn't know what caused it, his friend would probably say, 'Ah. Buffins has been drinking again."
 PAUL COOK.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09
DECEIVED.

How brightly beams the sun without The skies above are blue. We're in mood to look about And see if Spring is due
 -Age-Herald. How darkly turk the clouds without, To hide the skies from view; We're in a mood, to sneak about And dodge the bill that's due
 -Anniston Star
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09
FAVORITE FICTION.

Any Child Can Manage Our F'ur- naces."
 Police on Track of Criminals; Ar- rests Momentarily Expected"
 Living Skeleton. Expense Account of My Last Trip" i've waited an Hour and Half for This Cari'
 "Circulation of the Bazoo, 5000 Copies"
 Total Expense of This Delightful Trip, $S5."-Chicago Tribune.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09

bad shape as any time this season, anu consumers are suffering accordingly
 There is no change in prices Present figures are firm, with a tendency to ad- vance than otherwise' '
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09

cincinnati T1meS-Stdr.
 UBIQUITOUS TRIBE. Alas, alack,
 While on he jogs, One often meets With human hogs. They crowd him in The trolley car And take up too Much room by far. They block the street And will not move, Unless a "cop'
 Ills might doth prove. They want the best And get it, too. With scsnt regard For others rue. We weary of
 Their swinish ways. In most hotels
 And all cafes, On every train
 And every boat : Their presence we Are quick to note. Go where we will, On sea and land, We can't escape That perky band. If ever we
 To heaven fare, Let's hope that we Won't find them there.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09
ELEGANT LANGUAGE.

"A poet speaks of himself as blind voyager across the bitter seas.'"
 Perhaps an overindulgence in fancy food has given him an acute sensation of maj de mer.'
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09

Dr. Wiley says food adulterators should be made social outlaws. He should have added inside prison bars"
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09

Senator LaFollette's nervous breakdown was due, not to overwork. but to over fall
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09

Aunt Della Torey says Will" will win, but her speciality is pies rather than po- litical forecasts.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09

A New York high school holds the rec ord. The commencement gowns of the girl graduates cost 70 cents each.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09
SURE

We nave great and glorious land,
 And there's sufficient room, From shore to shore, We understand,
 For everybody's boom.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09

permanent maneuver camp on the Mexican border would save a great deal of mileage and typhoid serum
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09

The nomination of Judge Hook to the supreme court no longer hangs over a helpless country.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09
SOON QUELLED.

There was a man in our town
 Who had the 1oudest voice; When he began we auieted down, For lack of other choice. But all his blatancy fell flat
 When s wifey did appear, Upon whose brow the thunder sat, And seized him by one ear.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09

When China becomes a republic the Dow in order to keep up with the procession.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09

Ex-President Roosevelt is on record as declaring that his seven years and half of service in the presidential chair was practically the same as two terms. Yet there be some republicans who think they can induce him to ac- cept the nomination for another term. The third term idea has long been un- popular, and it always will be-
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09

An Ohio politician will now proceed to represent the United States republic at the capital of the French republic. The entire affair will be republican from top to bottom
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09

"Nothing to say'' is thus far promi- nent feature of this campaign.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09

A barber may not be an artist, but many of them are certainly linguists.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09

Oscar Underwood grows in fame, but he continues to be the same modest gentleman that he was of yore' He will never have the swell head no mat ter what happens.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09

Governor Bass of New Hampshire is also supporting the colonel. The question now is, can the governors dictate the nomina- ton?
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09

Thomas Fortune Ryan says nothing and clips coupons. He is content and nothing out of pocket.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09
A BAD BEGINNING.

Whenever Jiggers starts to tell any thing he prefaces his remarks by saying, Believe me- /"
 That's why I never do.'
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09

Europe also has zero weather. The thing is becoming international and persistent.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09

ceoroe " Perkins is the chief dscov-. erer of colossal mistakes in this coun-
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09

Colonel Goethals predicts the opening the canal by January l, l9i5 but he has no more to say as a booster of West Virginia coal.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09

The Manchu princes are slowly packing their trunks.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09

Populismgin the democratic party is gradually dying out
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09

oscar Underwood is a leader who leads. As a man who can do things that he sets out to do, he is a splen- did success.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09

There is no skating on thin ice up north, for there is no ice of that sort up there.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09

Not even MT. Morgan has eggs three times a day
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09
RESTRAIN YOURSELF.

If you will promise not to shout, We'll pause here to remark Twill soon be time to venture out And seek the baseball park
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09
AMONG EPICUREs.

''Paris is a swift town.'' ''That's true. but snails are very popu- lar there'
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09

The truth is more needed in labels that arc slapped onto food packages than else where in this world, and it is rarer where it is most needed.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09

Winter is guilty of overproductlon in the first degree.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09
EAST WANTS UNDERWOOD

You have a right to tell fremen to go to blazes
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09

NSho seeks, and will not take, when once lis Ofcr'd, shall never find it more.
 Antony and Cleopatra.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09

The backbone of the winter may be broken, but Birmingham has es- capped zero thus far, and it will con tinue to keep out of the zero class.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09

cent piece and shot it to the center. An know very well Ah was in, too." said he. but you all out-talked me-" Cincinnati Times-Star.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09

No communication will be published without its authors name. Rejected manuscript will not be returned unless stamps are enclosed for that purpose.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09

TELEPHONES Bell (privste exchange connecting ah departmental, No. 4900. Peoples. Editorial rooms, 231j busi- ness office, 230.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-02-09

C. F. Morgan, W. G. Wharton and George McMasters are the only author ized travelling representatives Of The Age-Herald in it's circulation depart ment.
The labor world. [volume] (Duluth, Minn.) 1896-current, 1912-12-21
BERGER GETS TAFT
TO PARDON Ar SOLDIER
Milwaukee Congressman Succeeds
in Inducing President to Ex-
ercise Clemency.

- WASHINGTON, Dec. 1s.-Repre-.
sentative Berger has been successful
In securing tn pardon and release of
Harold Ohde, aged 10, Of Milwaukee,
Wis.,, from. the military prison at
Fort Hancock, N. j.. where he had
still more than "a year to. serve. Of a
tWo-year sentence imposed upon him
by a military court for the heinous
offense Of selling messmate bot
tie OF liquor and later telling lie
about it. The Socialist congressman
took the Injustice. of the penalty up
with President. Taft with. the result
that the young man will be freed this
week in time to spend Christmas with
his parents.
Young OhdeI believed the pictures
he saw on the advertising posters Of
the recruiting offices and enlisted in
the coast artillery corps to- see the
world. After enlistment his view of
the world was that: portion of the
globe which he could see from the
kitchen windows of the barracks at
Fort HANCOCK, where he was assigned
as cook. His prison sentence follow
ing conviction for; a. trivial offense
broke his mothers heart. The boys
father is in i'll health, and the appeal
for her boys liberty which Mrs. Ohde
wrote to Mr.. Berger. was pathetic in
the extreme.
Mr.. Berger took this letter to
President Taft. whose heart was also
touched by the mothers love. To
quiet Mr.. Berger's well-grounded ap-
prehensions . that departmental red
tope might hold up the release OF
Chde until after Christmas, Taft wrote
out the pardon papers in Berger's
presence, and the Socialist took them
directly to General Wood in the wax
department..
The labor world. [volume] (Duluth, Minn.) 1896-current, 1912-12-21
.HURRAH! ALL READY "
FOR PARCELS POST
Uncle Sam Has Machinery, Pre-
pared to Begin New Year With
Parcels Delivery.

WASHINGTON, Dec. 19.-Active
and final preparations are being made
for the inauguration of the parcels
post on Jan. /.
About 100000 has been set aside
to be distributed among 1900 post
offices having city delivery, to be used
for equipment for the delivery Of
parcels post business.
Local postmasters have been au-
thorized to employ as many temper
airy and auxiliary clerks and carriers
as may be necessary to handle the in
crease volume Of business.
In order that definite information
may be secured as soon as possible,
directions have been given. that after
the parcels post system has been in
operation Is days from Jan. 1 post
masters are directed to submit reports
showing the volume of parcels post
business, the additional cost. and an
outline of the plans for handling the
new business.
Through these reports it is expect
ed that a close estimate of the cost
OF the parcels post can be found so
that congress can be informed as to
What appropriation will be necessary
for the operation of the new de-
partUra
The labor world. [volume] (Duluth, Minn.) 1896-current, 1912-12-21
Do Your Christmas Shopping
At The Big Duluth.
NAVY YARD employees
UNDER CIVIL. SERVICE:

WASHINGTON, Dec. 19.-Regula-
tons for the placing Of 10000 skilled
laborers in the government navy
yards have been drawn up and ap-
proved by the navy department.
It is given out by officials of the
department., however, that before they
are put into effect the plans will
be submitted to the employees for
criticism and suggestion.
Commandments at the New York,
Boston, and Washington navy yards
have been instructed to call in three
representative Workmen and lay the
rules and regulations before them.
This committee of workmen will be-
asked to suggest any changes that
may seem advisable to them from the
point of view of the employees:
The placing of the navy yards under
the civil service, so it is said,: will
not affect the wage question in any
way.
The labor world. [volume] (Duluth, Minn.) 1896-current, 1912-12-21
MAIL SERVICE MEN
GET BETTER SYSTEM
Uncle Sam Finally Introduces
Modern Plan to Help Rail-
way Mail Clerks.

WASHINGTON, Dec. ia gen.
eral scheme for the placing of the
entire railway mail service of the
United States on merit and efficien-
cy basis to obtain for every one of
the $4,000 employees the full measure
of benefits under the recent legls-
lation by congress-; providing for
higher pay, is being worked out by a
special committee, y consisting Of is
railway mail ser vice. super1ntendents.
The railway man service has always
had an efficiency rating system, but
does not fully meet the modern con-:
ception..' A SYSTEM that will put every
eniploye on. IAN; absolute efficiency
basis and merit system, it is said; is
being peri ected.> sat '
Future promotions will be only or:
merit, with an efficiency rating as a
basis. The maximum pay to be
reached under this. system of promo
ton will be s1,soo::a year instead Of
$1,000. Congress increased the en-
trance compensation from 5000 to
$1,000.
The labor world. [volume] (Duluth, Minn.) 1896-current, 1912-12-21
TO ELECT PRESIDENT
BY POPULAR VOTE

WASHINGTON, Dec. 19.-Senat n
Works of California has introduced L
Joint resolution proposing an amend
ment to the constitution Of the Unite :
States which, in substance, provides
lege in presidential elections.
If the resolution is adopted and ap-
proved by the requisite number !
states and adopted by the people, the
pl esident and vice president of n
United States will here's fter he
elected by popular vote.
Much opposition to the electoral
college has developed in recent yea s,
it being considered to be in many re-
spects unfair and not expressive ut
tines of the real will Of the people.
The labor world. [volume] (Duluth, Minn.) 1896-current, 1912-12-21
SHIP FIRMS YIELD
TO E|GAT:-H0UR LAW:
Marine shipbuilding and Repair
Firms Finally Decide to
Reduce Hours.

BALTIMORE, Dec. 1s.-At recent
meeting of the "shipbuilding and re-
pair firms Of this city; known as the
Ship and Marine Engine Builders
association. 1T was: decided to here
after bid for the repair work and 9TH
er government contracts under the
eight-hour law and, to accept such
contracts as are. awarded to: them.
Ever since thee passage Of the law
requiring all government work to be
done under the; e1ght-hour day the
Baltimore shipyafds and many others
throughout the country have refused
to bid on government contracts,
claiming that as none and TEN hours
for a days work. was the rule it
would be unwise and difficult to han
die contracts requiring the eight:hour
day.
The. Lighthouse. Bureau recently
has had several contracts to be award
ed under the, new law. The only
concern that bid for: this work was
the Furst Concrete Lighter Construc-
ton company, which captured the
contract for the :.:tender ;Sunflower.
This firm was the only bidder also
for extensive repairs to lightship No.
80. This bid was. Withdrawn and
new bids have been. asked, stipulating
the eight-hour day:
The labor world. [volume] (Duluth, Minn.) 1896-current, 1912-12-21
TRADE UNION SETTLES;
Nv. w. LEADERS VAMOOSE;

UTICA, N. Y, Dec. 19.-Organizers
for the American Federation of La
Dor have succeeded in getting an
agreement with the Textile Manufac-
turers at Little Falls, N. Y, where
a strike has been in progress, to re-
duce the house from so to 81 with
out reduction in wages.
This achievement was in the face
of the fact that the I. w. w. were
endeavoring to Illustrate any SETTLE
ment which might be made, although
it is currently reported that the lead
ers Of the I. w. W. were about to
abandon the situation and leave the
strikers upon their own resources.
Buy Your Christmas Gifts for
Men and Boys At The Big Duluth.
The labor world. [volume] (Duluth, Minn.) 1896-current, 1912-12-21
HoLY0KE TRoLLEYMEN
SECURE WAGE INCREASE

HOLYOKE, Mass, Dec: 1s.-As a
result of the arbitration between the
employees of the traction lines in Wor-
cester and Springfield, :, raise in
wages was secured On the, heels of
this award the Berkshire sstreet7oRail-
way of Pittsfield,' Mass, has posted
notices announcing a new scale. of
wages, practically equal to that given
by the arbitration. board; on; the lines.
noted. ,;. -. .:..*
These increases are to date back to
June 1, 1912. The scale will be for
the first six months, % cents an hour;
second year.: rs cents; third year, ~
cents; fourth year, 2S.h cents. !. =
Some Of the men will receive quite
a sum in back pay. { = =. r., (.
.:. The Big Duluth. IT..
Will be open, every evening until
Christmas. .sst,ss allI .ias ts.f+: n #t4
The labor world. [volume] (Duluth, Minn.) 1896-current, 1912-12-21

A leading scientist declares tele-
phones are setting the modern man
crazy. He must be on a. four-party
line.
The labor world. [volume] (Duluth, Minn.) 1896-current, 1912-12-21

A Cornell professor says the world
will freeze solid in few thousand
years. Wonder If it will make ice
any cheaper?
The labor world. [volume] (Duluth, Minn.) 1896-current, 1912-12-21

We do not advocate violence, but
lynching is too. good for the idiot
who persists in whistling on the
The labor world. [volume] (Duluth, Minn.) 1896-current, 1912-12-21
The Big Duluth.

viii be open every evening until
Christmas. .s.Sss 81 ass,f4 II h
Tensas gazette. [volume] (St. Joseph, La.) 1886-current, 1912-07-26

A membership of the Royal acad-
envy of London carries with II numer-
Gus advantages. In a word the acad-
envy is a benefit society founded on
very generous scale. The pension
fund of Burlington house is splendid
one. Any Royal Academician who
falls upon hard times or who is pre-
vented by i'll health from following
his profession may claim 2 pension,
and the pension sometimes runs into
as much as $4,000 year.
The Royal Academician who dies in
straitened circumstances and leaves
his widow and children insuficiently
provided for is not thought any the
less of for his Ill fortune. The Royal
academy shows its sympathy by gen.
erously allowing those who were de-
pendent on him liberal sum for their
maintenance. And the wife and the
children OF a deceased Royal Acade-
mician receive many kfndnesses and
acts of charity from the hands Of the
living Royal Academicians. which are
quite distinct from those given by this
NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS. Magazine.
Tensas gazette. [volume] (St. Joseph, La.) 1886-current, 1912-07-26

A girl who has passed part Of her
life in Japan invited 16 friends to din
ner recently. and in the center OF the
table was a large bird made of forget
me-nots. That the bird covered a pho
nograph was not known until the
finger bowl stage of the banquet. In
the water were floating rose petals,
and they gradually unfolded into q
scroll, on which was written: Get my
secret from the bird" Curiosity was
at high pitch when the young hostess
turned the key and the bird softly
sang Marie and Philip want me to
tell you that they are engaged and In
vite you all to the wedding" Congrat-
ulations then were in order, but the
secret was kept SO well until the bird
talked that no one suspected more
than q casual friendship existed be-
tween the hostess and her admirer.-
New York Press.
Tensas gazette. [volume] (St. Joseph, La.) 1886-current, 1912-07-26
THIEF NOT ALTOGETHER BAD
Proved He Had at Least Some -on>
sideration for Victim He
Had Wronged.

In the mail of local sporting
goods dealer. recently. was a letter
which indicated that the writer was
considerable. even though he failed to
back up his consideration with square
dealing in its entirety. relates the In
dianapolis News. The letter bore a
Peoria Qll) postmark and read In
substance as follows:
Peoria, III. Gentlemen am in
closing you pawn check for $3.50
on the - loan Office In your city.
The check is for an Arrow bicycle.
which know you sell. It was stolen
in indianapolis. BY referring to your
records and comparing the number on
the wheel with your books you will be
able to find the owner. No doubt
he will be willing to present inclosed
check with $3.50 in exchange for his
wheel, am, yours truly"
The writer neglected to sign his
name, but the store was able to find
the owner and the wheel was re-
deemed.