Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1912-04-21
Jokes and Unc Reos Have Frequently Turned Ou Be Booeangs

asked him whether there was any case
so vile or disreputable that he would re-
fuse TO act counsel for the accused.
The quick response was: Il must know
the circumstances of the case; what have
you been DOING"
Everybody remembers how Richard
Brinsley Sheridan suggested to Michael
Kelly, musician and wine merchant. as a
sign to be written over the door Of his
sa DON:
Michael Kelly, composer OF wines and
importer of music
But not every one remembers Kellys
very neat retort, although he took the
pains to commemorate it in his reminis-
cences.
II thanked him." Kelly tells us, land
said: I will take the hint. sir. and be a
composer Of all wines except old sherry:
for that is SO notorious for its intoxicat-
ing and pernicious qualities that l should
be afraid of poisoning my customers with
It In order to signalize the point of the
joke 1t may be necessary to remind the
modern reader that Sheridan's common
nickname among his contemporaries was
Old Sherry.
He owned 1 had given him a Roland
for his Oliver" adds Kelly with SNUG
self-satisfaction. land very often used
Prof. j. S. Blackie was one OF the pic.
turesque figures in Edinburgh streets dur
ing later Victorian days. He was hand
some and venerable. with long gray hair
falling in rfnglets about his shoulders.
One day he was accosted by very
dirty bootblack with his customary.
Shine your boots. sir?"
mo. don't want shine. my boy" he
replied. but If you'll go and wash your
face I'll give you sixpence."
-frxht rsr
At a neighboring fountain he performed
his ablutions, and returned to the pro-
fessors side.
well. my boy" said the old gentle
man. beamini his approval, you have
4 dinna want it, returned the boy
with proper dignity. ''Ye can keep 1t and
get your hair cut"
A Pittsburgh drummer tells Of a coll
league Of his who took some Boston
last visit to the Hub. The bill of fare
quoted beans at 20 cents, but when our
drummer asked for his check 1t read '.225
cents"
Say. this is wrong" he cried to the
cashier.
What did you have?"
Order Of BEANS
That's correct, sir. Twenty-Five cents"
But the bill Of fare says %"
well. the bill of fare is wrong
he made memorandum of the restaurant
address.
A few days later he was In New York
and he remembered the beans. He went
to the telegraph Office and wir- d the fol-
lowing message to the restaurant
Don't you think % cents too much for
baked beans?"
He marked it collect"
Some Americans in Nice recently
snubbed snob with neatness and dis
patch. They were dining with a pair Of
Paris ladies when a Russian prince, who
perhaps wished to pick a quarrel. pur-
chased two glorious bouquets and sent
them to the ladies with his compliments
The Americans merely glanced over to his
table. bowed cordially, and sent him back
by the waiter two Napoleons. He was
SO much chagrined that he left the room.
Another dinner story has equal point.
but less sting. Sir Robert Ball. most ia
nous of English astronomers. was din
decided to have some harmless fun with
| the landlady of the inn.
Madam" he said, Il am going to give
you little lesson in astronomy. Have
| you ever heard of the great Platonic
year, when everything must return to
its first condition? In 26.OOO years we
shall probably all be here again on the
| same day and at the same hour. eating
| dinner just like this one VIII you
give us credit until them"
"Oh. yes,' replied the landlady, who
was equal to the occasion. 1T is just
$4,000 years since you were here before.
then. II you settle the old bill now I'll
willingly trust you with the new"
A man entered an eating house and
ordered a steak and fried potatoes.
'Yes, sir; steak and potatoes, sir" said
the waiter And you viii have chops and
peas along with it?'
mo. thank you
Roast beef. then, perhaps. sir? The
roast beef's very fine today"
mo: just steak and potatoes"
How about a nice lobster or q brace
Of crabs, sir, with the steak?"
"No!"
"Shad roe and succotash. perhaps. sir?'
mo. l tell your
"A nice mess of fried catfish and waf-'
But at this point the proprietor sum-
moned the waiter to him.
what do you mean, you scoundrel,"
he said, by tormenting that patron in
such an outrageous manner"
'Oh. l wasn't tormenting him. sir.
said the waiter. Il was just trying to
make him feel at home. He's barber"
The following dialogue is reported by
Puck as having occurred In New York
hat store:
Salesman-Well, watcher want?
Customer want to buy hat.
Salesman-Why didn't yer say SO: move
lively now. This amt no morgue!
Customer don't like to be spoken to
like that.
Salesman-Yer don't? Well. watcher
stoppin' the wheels OF trade fer? Did
you ever see a real hat?
Customer-That's enough Good day.
Salesman-Just wait a moment, sir. L
recognize you as the ticket seller at the
Imperial Central station. / tried to buy
a ticket of you yesterday, and I've just
endeavored to give you an imitation OF
the way you treated men. What's the
size, sir?"
If we are to believe the comic papers
retaliatory scenes of this sort are OF
constant occurrence in everyday life. For
example, an Albany paper attributed this
story to Gov. Dix:
An old story relates how John Smith,
after a hard days work. had gone early
to bed. When his wife entered the room
he was sleeping soundly, and no man
likes to be awakened half an hour after
he gets asleep.
and as she approached the bed she ex-
claimed:
John! Oh, John.
He never moved.
John. Wake up she persisted.
There's one of the funniest Incidents
He still slept and she began to shake
him. John! Listen to me-" she cried.
He mumbled something. and she shook
him again. He opened his eyes and