davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1912-09-15

You didn't pay last week." said Mon
roe NJ. Goldstein.
81 couldn't" said the other Goldstein,
alphabetically.
But / see YOU have a new suit" said
the accusing Goldstein.
The reporter wondered why the suit
was called new. IT was considerably
frazzled around the edges. but probably
it was new TO its present wesrer.
"Well, what do you Think" replied the
Goldstein who was ON the defensive; Il
should go around looking like bum
Let him down easy" whispered one OF
the assistants He didn't spend much
on that" So. after being warned Of the
trouble that would he his If he failed
again In his payments. the eX-deserter
was allowed to go.
For years social workers who strove to
help the left-behind wife make connection
with some sort of honest livelihood be-
lieved that economic pressure was the
cause of most desertions Gradually dur
ing the last ten years (the bureau is not
that old. hut the Hebrew Charities made
n study of the problem before the bureau
existed these same students Of human
nature have been forced TO change their
opinion somewhat. In the cases where
the husband is not found It is not always
possible to he sure why he went away
The deserted wife does not always know
the whole truth. But, taking into con-
sideration all the husbands who were
eventually located some interesting IN
formation is found as to the real causes
OF most assertions.
In the great majority of cases If was
found that the man left his wife not be-
cause he could not provide for her. but
because he preferred to provide for some
other woman. Nor were the reasons Tor
this preference always self-evident. Some
times man leaves young wife who still
retains much of her girlish charm and
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1912-09-15
Dinners and Jests Abounded
When the "CoIumn.a.Day
Gentlemen" Gathered
for Confab.

which is to furnish the theme for the
poem which is TO head his column. He
thinks OF four thousand themes without
splinter of inspiration to them, and re
jects them with disgust. Then. at half
past II he hears music, and looks from
his window to see band which Is parad-
ing past. followed by ras-tail little
Niger. He swings round 10 his type
writer and hammers out poem on the
'oompah oompah' OF the band.
After that he grabs double handful
Of Jokes and throws them into the col
umn after the verses, and looks at the
clock. II is high noon. But what, you
ask. II n band doesn't come along? Oh.
then he gets the theme elsewhere, but he
is always done in time to go 70 press"
And this is the easy life'' OF tho man
who has to ali his column with good
humor every day.
While the humorists were together the
subject OF the strike Of the funny men
OF the Yiddsh comic weekly Der Kundes'
was mentioned. This strike was the out
come of demand for more pay on tina
part of the writer's, and was ended the
latter part OF August. The publishers
we're surprised to find the humorists must
live. Why" they asked, which question
seemed too much like a reflection to be
answered Anyway. the humorists won
their point.
THAT strike was capital Joke" said
one jokesmith in Detroit.
What" was asked, "is a capital joke ~
'"why, joke that brings In the capis
tai, OF course"
But this opinion was unanimously ruled
out Of order rs being pun. II did, how
ever. result in list Of classified jokes
being drawn up by A. w. L., which seemed
to be accepted
"A grave joke--beins near dead, when
you're in a morgue.
"a practical joke-a humorist giving
his wife money.
"A serious celebrating a sexton.
"a passsble joke-the one which tells
that saloons are counterfeit. because No
Fee can't pass them.
IAN ancient joke--the latest out
"A funny joke--the one We can't get
an editor 10 see the fun in.
"a punning joke--the one that makes
money for many
Just a joke-no better definition bein =
at hand. let US agree on the following
from a scholarly magazine: A Joke Is
funny because man is an intellectual
entity: because his mind Is a microcosm !;
because this microcosm Is guarded by a
central intelligence which sets this mini
allure word in order and guards It from
chaos; because the central intelligence !s
supplied with an extra guard against close
and sudden attacks upon the citadel Of
credence, an extra faculty for discriminate
ing sudden imposture at close range. A
joke is funny because II has assaiIed the
citadel Of credepcc without success"
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1912-09-15
rvo Out of Every Three
Jewish Deserters of Their
Families Are Brought
to Book.

:, vou arc a Gentle and married and
.a,t 10 desert your wife, perhaps you
escape safely. At any rate. you
- know. On the other hand, if you
lew and married and want to de-
-, vour wife, YOU know beforehand that
y, have exactly one chance out of three
Twain undiscovered. The National
n.ss,tion Bureau has the other two
-Sances 10 find you. Before the unhap-
sny mated Hebrew attempts TO take
.r,rorcb leave" of his family 1t would
hest for him 10 know whether he is
of the two who are going TO be
,ol, ny whether he is the third. who
an make "A clean getaway. II is the
s,nc,,lty o. knowing this beforehand that
I'm. soro men from yielding TO the call
Of the wanderiust
uoproe NJ. Goldstcin. the secretary and
a,oser Of the National Desertion Blu
-cou. is very young man, who looks
lore Ike a typical college student than
.hc successful hunter of recreant
,rouses. Mr. Goldstein, setting aside the
on,nions II those who attribute the bu-
.,or.s remarkable success to his ability,
aNsre an impersonal theory of his own.
Jews he says are likely, even when run
ming away. 60 stick to their own people,
.,d This gives the Jewish deserter a
range that Is not 50 wide as the Gentile's.
I, Was the afternoon of stickily warm
asy when the Tribune reporter visited
,he bureau in its quarters, upstairs In the
1,,i,ad Hebrew Charities building Per-
hans because Of the weather there was
40, the usual rush Of deserving husbands
n nav their weekly alimOny TO the man
400, The bureau doesn't stop at finding
,he missing man Mr.. Goldstein Is not
only a social worker He is "A full fledged
LAWYER too. and if there is any way of
extracting whole or partial support for
the upsppreciated wife Mr.. Goidstein
finds that way and at once gets busy.
AFTER while. however, one OF the de
rrousnt husbands did put in an appear
ance. The appearance he put in was quite
large TOO. since he was at least six feet
tan and broad in proportion.
Take a good look at this man. said
Mr. Goldstein. i'm an aside which was
perilously near 10 being no aside at All
Tho IA common type of deserter. Also
Ais name is Goldstein. Yes, we have lots
Of EN- named that. l can't help IT,
The reporter took a good look at the
b,ctless Mr. Goldstein. who had been
eousht and brought back. and couldn
Sslp thinking that his wife was very luck
less too. II would be hard to declue
vhether her greatest misfortune was III
h.,p left without support or in having
him brought back. The uuant wore
sort Of loose jointed grin which was en-
drely in keeping with the rest OF his gen
sral appearance. II suggested marked
location from a high standard of intelli-
gence.
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1912-09-15
American Press Humorists
Did All They Could to
Disturb the Calm of
the Lake City.

Detroit has lost its wits
Not that the present investigation INTO
crooked" alde11nanic conditions has sent
that lovely Michigan city crazy nor tna1
the pageant. which showed how CaollldC
and his fellows came TO the peaut'lui
lake site, has completely beWildered pres
ent day inhabitants; nor that the eiiol-
nous number Of automobiles mahuiac-
tured in the town has set II by the carr
None OF these, Simply, Detroit mas
been. but is no longer, the convention
city Of the American Press Humorists'
society composed of the genial, Jo'lai'
Jolly gentlemen who do their column d
Day OF humor, poetry and philosophy
for the newspapers.
The wits have been and VENT
Detroit. YOU may think. must nave
reeked. slushed and streamed with mer-
riment from September to SEPTEMBER : |!
The city must have been convulsed with
laughter during that time? The inhaDi-
iants must have rolled with unmeasured
mlrth, while the makers Of the world 8
huHor were staying with them?
Alas. Twas not so. As witness one
incident.
a bunch Of men was standing in the
Corridor OF the Wayne Hotel wheh d
commercial traveller entered.
Il beg your pardon" he said; 'out
will you tel me who is deadY'
Another man. entering, asked: what s
this. a convention Of undertakers?'
The humorists had not invaded Cadll-
hcs precincts more than a day before
there was talk Of hanging a welcome
banner In front OF every undertakers
establishment.
Humor was not in evidence. IT seldom
is with a humorist-that il, outside of
the columns he is lucky enough to get
paid for filling. The humorist stalks
around like sad, sorrowful soul, like
the personihed echo of a grim tragedy.
lie cannot afford to fritter away his
smiles; he must save them for financial
purposes. Perhaps, like the comedian of
today, he may carry few stock witt
cisms with him, but these are such as
he has sold, or which are too poor
rotten. Is his word--to be able 10 reach
the stage Of print.
AS Strickland Gillian, OF ION again off
again fame, remarked You don't ex-
-pcct tailor TO make suit OF clothes
when he is on vacation, do you?"
But. speaking seriously. there was fun.
The boys" couldn't help being funny.
witty and humorous. II is spirit In
separable 10 them. II comes naturally
For instance, take remark made on
Wednesday en- route to Battle Creek 10
look over the manufacture Of certain foods
and to make c. w. Post an honorary mem.
Der. The men were startled to learn tn,
train had struck handcar. No one was
On II, 50 no one was hurt But was
The remark, they can't call US a (w)reck.
less crowd after this"
Nearly fifty men who write the funny
columns on the newspapers were present
numbering among them such men as
george Fitch. OF Siwash fame Thomas A.
I psiy, the Irishman who writes Italian
u roe'ry; Strickland Gillian. explained
Denslss Malloch. lumberman poet and
PRESIDENT Of the Chicago Press Club; Ed
mund Vance Cooke. who wrote "And the
v'her One Wss-Booth" Colonel "Bilr'
symptom. the poet Of the yawp; Fred
ss"aHss. Of Third Reader fame, many
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1912-09-15

elopes with a woman ten years older than
himself Not only In magazine fiction or
among the idle rich do these things hap
pen. Bakers. street cleaners and pickle
vendors are also found among those who
make an earnest. II somewhat awkward
grab for IA reprehensible kind OF romance.
IT is strange how very close the tragic
comes to the ridiculous. and in some
scraps Of life the two are side by side.
Having heard OF the success OF the bureau
in locating husbands who lost themselves,
and not knowing that It limited its help
fulness to any one race. negro woman
wrote asking for It's aid. 81 can't send
YOU his picture she wrote, because |
haven't any. but ] inclose a photograph
of the baby. who looks lot like him. and
maybe you can find him by that"
In some instances where Mr. Goldstein
does not succeed I'm the search for the
missing husbands the information supplied
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1912-09-15

can. therefore. take up the new ideas
which present themselves.
Some writer's use one character for the
purpose of Acknowledgements char
acter as Phiander C.. Johnson's Dustin
Stax" and his Senator Sorghum" the
remarks Of both OF whom have afforded
merriment and serious thought all over
the country. These characters also have
the added advantage OF serving to adj
vertise their creator. although they do
not carry his name.
Recently Judd Mortimer Lewis. "the
sweet singer of the South" and humorist
of THE Houston Post" answered the
eternal. internal question: "Is yours hard
work" or something like that
Doing a column a day. he wrote. "is
one OF the easiest things tho humorist
does Suppose, for instance, he Is to
have his column ready to hand at high
noon. He drifts into his sanctum at 8
a. M, reads the morning papers leisurely,
entertains a book agent for a time. an
swers few telephone calls, smokes
pine or two and waits for the inspiration
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1912-09-15
aona Deseon Bureau Hebrews Who Flee Their
The Number of Recreant
Husbands Has Been
Much Diminished by
Shrewd Work.

read to me your advertisement that there
is some kind people who formed socf-
ETY. and are willing to help find husbands
who have went away from their wives
and family. Well my father went away
from my mother and family about four
years ago lie left three children when
he went away. He left US just as some
body was throwed into the water and left
to struggle for hmself-and now you can
imagine how 1t was for yourself, how my
poor mother had to get along. was just
eight years old and the Oldest In the ram
fly and my mother had TO struggle with
us three children. When he left there
was a baby one year old and my mother
had TO work on sewing aprons for 10 cents
a dozen, and still she worked for Us for
one and a half years, but she could not
keep US up in the city long. for the en-
pense of rent was pretty high. so, aiso'
we are in the country now, Desire, Penn,
with my mothers brother.
MY poor uncle lost his wife four years
in June and left four children, but his
hard luck helped us from starvation:
so mother keeps house for him. In the
country it is bad enough to make living
for one family. but he keeps us because
there is no other place for us, so, dear
friend, hope and trust that you VIII try
to find him. always want to he Jew
ish boy, and I am sorry I don't know
Hebrew more than a farmers boy. We
are the only Jewish family in this town.
Now 1 am going to give you the par
ticuars of my father. His height rs from
five to six feet tall: he is very slim, and
has a dark complexion: his work is a
woohen picker, that is the only thing he
has had experience in since he came to
this country. He always made a nice
living for us but the only fault he had
was to play cards day and night. His
name Is Edward b, and our home was
always in Philadelphia. where he left US
Also, dear friend, hope you will do this
for living orphans and answer US il you
need any particulars about him, and We
can also send YOU his Photograph. Then
dear friend. ] will let you know that this
william SlT is my uncle. but not jacob
schiff. I wish he would be my uncle,
would not know about father"
The boys father was found out West.
He took the family severely TO task for
having sought him, and the boy wrote
Mr.. Goldstein: After receiving your mail
we got a very cold letter from father
The man could not be made TO DO his
duty because OF the protection afforded
him by the laws Of the state In which he
made his home. The only communications
his family have had are a few spitefui
sneers. Fortunately, the families Who get
no more satisfaction than this are the
exception and not the rule. The National
Desertion Bureau has achieved degree
Of success that even its most enthusiastic
promoters did not foresee
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1912-09-15

, president Of the American Press Humor-
lists and for many years connected with
newspapers az official rib ticker. las pro-
mulgated few rules FOR column filters
which he says he has been taught by ex-
perience:
Let your humor be kindly
LAS often as you can, choose 8 We
hicle for your hUmor something which
you believe will interest the greatest num-
Der of your readers-high est OF living.
the trusts, suffragists. airships &C"
Avoid rejecting on any race, sex,
creed. cult or religion"
Forget the 'mother-in-law
Never write a jest about deatb-death
is no joke"
"Sldestep the vulgar
Don't air your own troubles"
Don't get into rut."
There are rules which every successful
humorous writer follows. There are, of
course. more "Donts" than DOS" but
the advantage of such negative rulings
lies I'm the fact that one more readily
thinks Of what must be avoided, and
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1912-09-15

Tended against the law in that city. The
bureau secured for him a suspended sem
tence and saw to it that he undertook at
once the support OF his family
In all parts Of the country they are
found The bureau is national and de-
sertion IL a national problem. New YORK.
OF course. furnishes more cases because
Of its larger Jewish population, but men
have been found who deserted in Aus
tria. in England, in Russia. In Pitts
burgh, Baltimore, Atlanta, Denver and
many other places.
In recurring the shiftless man TO work
for his family Mr.. Goldstein struck
peculiar legal snag. II a man had been
convicted under the non-support law and
sentenced to six months in the workhouse
this was construed 20 be in lieu OF sup
port for one year. Some OF the men
cheerfulIy spent six months in tho work.
house and considered that they were pay
ing for six months subsequent freedom.
They considered such a division of their
time decidedly worth while, since IL re-
lieved them of all domestic response
bility.
/ Mr.. Goldstein admits an embarrassing
doubt as to how 10 proceed when the
wlfe's nagging procliyites are respon-
/ sibe for the arrangement or course,
when there are children, he makes their
welfare the first consideration. He tells
/ of one case where he induced the desert
or 10 send remlttances, but did not urge
a complete reconciliation, since the man
/ was particularly sensitive. and the woman
had an almost mbaarable disposition"
In the files of the bureau are letters
that are strange documents. records or
| hardships and sorrow. one OF these was
written by boy in Jefferson County
Penn. to Mr. Goldstein. Here Is the let
ter:
"I cannot read Jewish. but my mother
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1912-09-15
THE LETTER OF THE LAW.

A mother led her six children to the
apple tree. 1t had borne but a single
apple--no lolger visible to the casual OBJ
server. II told you not to pick that
apple ]" she said sternly.
I'VE didn't pick IT, the children an
swered in chorus. And the Oldest girl
added. in an injured tone. "You can sea
yourself that it's still on the tree. TT
mesn--the core is. We only climbed I'D
an'-an' took bite once In q while--ws
didn't pick it"-Youths Companion,
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1912-09-15

wanted him by freight or by express, and,
| I'm fact, gave no information whatever.
Again Mr. Goldstein failed TO deliver the
goods.
One man who left home because he had
no Job and wanted to lose the responsibility
of family was found in Ohio. lie was
still jobless when discovered. but had re-
pented Of his flight and was anxious to
return II he could get the cost OF trans
portation and a promise Of work. After
due dellberatlon. It was decided that the
man was worth 81 IL, and he was sent
for At present he is not only living
! peacefully with his family. but IS sup
porting them. In cases like this the bu-
rcau's work relieves the community Of the
care Of the deserted family
one unfortunate deserter was found In
a Massachusetts, prison His time was
almost out. and he was 10 be turned over
/ TO the Chicago authorities for having or
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1912-09-15

~
Fell across the way:
1t may rain again tomorrow,
IL may rain-but. say,
Amt II fine to-day?
And If you have an idea that the man
who writes the jokes for the daily news
papers simply looks for a laugh, doesn
this poem change it?
A visit to Detroit during American
Press Humorists' weeks would have been
an education to any one. He would have
learned what welspring Of wisdom
turks in the heart of the joke maker. and
possibly might have carried home vast
knowledge OF the men vino invite the
smile.
The man who does his column day
has to be wide awake. His reading must
know no end. lie has to be as well
vcrsed in the doings OF Punxatawney as
those of Gotham; In the doings OF 81.
Petersburg az those OF Chicago. He must
know what is taking place everywhere,
what the latest style OF clothing for man
and woman is and what the next style
will be. For the apparently Irrelevant
item OF the pannler skirt can be made TO
do duty with political Joke, II one has
the humorous instinct necessary TO COM
bine the two. He must know the lido
syncracies OF his fellow men. so that he
can play on them.
Everything. however. IS not grist that
comes 10 the jokesmiths mill. Many sub
jects have been placed on the black list
and are positively forbidden. Mother-in-
law Is one Of these. No more may we
laugh at the countryman who blows out
the gas-now we have him try to light
his corncob pipe by aid OF the electric
incandescent The farmer does not now
get buncoed by the confidence man; In
stead, he gets .the confidence man on his
farm during the summer and buncoes
him! No longer does the sleepy eyed
spouse lie in wait for her long
husband-he, owing to suffrage and the
queer kink the humorist puts into the
situation. lies in wait for her In other
words, times change. and humor with
them.
IL IL easy enough to write Joke Every
man and woman has sail something that
was funny. and brand new. too. But
every man and woman has not the ability
90 remember their witticisms. and few
outside the fold could sell them. Still 1t
IL easy to write one But these rien who
belong 10 the American press Hun. orists'
Association find II necessary To- write
more than one; their grind consists OF
from six to fifteen every lay. Besides
these they must turn out some verse OF
a smooth running nature and with n good
point. And this they must do every day,
whether the mood Is with them or foreign
to them.
One humorist who does his "c!lmn a
day"-and 1t Is a wide, long column, filed
with ideas of a diversified nature-says
that he is often asked to 10 something
else Sometimes he reviews books, some
times becomes theatrical critic, some
times relieves the sporting editor at a
baseball or football game or a fight, often
entertains the undesirable visitors to the
editorial rooms But" he added, my
own column must never be ignored Ny
own space must always be filled And 1
must always be In good humor." And he
is His verse savors OF the classics In
style; he IL one of the smoothe5t news
pepper poets In the country. And, finally.
he gets a big salary.
Newton Newkirk, during the last year
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1912-09-15
To-day.

Sure. this world Is full Of trouble
I amt said IL Amt.
Lord, I've had enough and double
Reason for complaint.
Rain an storm have come 10 fret me-
skies were often gray:
Thorn, an brambles have beset me
On the road-but say
Aln't IL nne today
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1912-09-15

By the wives was scarcely of nature
To prove helpful. one woman insisted
upon having her husband returned at once,
while admitting that she had forgotten
his name. Mr.. Goldstein did not return
him. 4 woman In san Francisco, who
wanted her husband enough to use a pos
tai card, but not enough 20 squander a
two-ccnt stamp. wrote on the card Send
me my husband. who is in New York
CITY" She did not mention whether she
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1912-09-15

what's tho use OF always weepiu
Maxim trouble last?
What's the use OF always keepin
Thinkln 81 the past2
Each must have his tribulation'
Water with his vine.
Life 10 ain't no celebration.
Trouble? I've had mine
But to-day Is fine.
It's today that J am Twin,
Not month ago.
Havln'. losln'. takin'. givin'.
A. time wills It 50.
Yesterday a cloud ~ sorrow
Fell across the way.
II may rain again tomorrow,
IL NAV rain-but. say,
Amt ~ fine to-day