davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
Happx Family.

Mrs. Scrappingtoa lin tho midst Of
her reading)-This recall Of judges
that the newspapers are making %
much stew about nowadays
Mr.. Scrappington-Well, what Of
It?
Mrs. Scrappington-What is needed
. great deal worse is the recall Of hus'
oands!-Puck.
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
A Terrible Position.

A Terrible Position.
Talk about torture"
"Yes?"
Nothing is worse than sitting in .
barber's chair, with your mouth full
sf lather, watching the boy trying to
give another customer your Panama
lat"
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
No, Disposed 20 Argue.

Teacher-You say the earth 10 2b,.
900 miles in circumference. WIN you
step up to the blackboard and demon
strate that proposition?
Shaggy Haired Pupil-What's the
use, ma'am? I'm willing to admit It
and let it 60 at that.
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
Mainly.

Mainly.
what is the chief difference be-
tween a military hero and a society
BELIEF"
What is it,"
Zone faces the powder and the 9th
er powers the face" .'@
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
A Gentle StinQ.

Miss Oldgirl-When / am doing Sc
rious work, hate to have lot Of
men hanging around bothering me.
Miss Pert-You do a great deal Of
serious work, do you not?"
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
Musical Appreciation.

+ "Is your boy Josh fond of music?"
II should say so,' replied Farmer
Corntossel. When one o. these here
musical comedies comes along Josh
wants to be right up as close to the
orchestra as possible.
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
Driaht Woman.

"See here" exclaimed the customs
official angrily, you said these trunks
contained nothing but wearing ap'
parel. What do you call these bottles
Of whisky
t'Well, you see," replied the lady
who was never at q loss for words.
Those are my husbands nightcaps."
London Telegraph.
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
Quite Another plnsnsEen.

Jenkins-A lot of your stIn, old
man. goes over my head. 10 It be-
cause am too short?
Jokesmith-No, should say It's bo-
cause you are too thick.
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
Eaailx Fixed.

"John," exclaimed the inebriated
printers wife. when you come home
In that condition ut this unSeemly
hour I hardly know what to call you"
"'At's awright, m'dear." eajolsd the
printer. Jus put me in the too late
to classify department"
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
1 Common Experience.

A Common Experience.
II had a dreadful experience yester.
day which simply made me lose my
nerve" .. -..
Dear me. Where was thiE?"
AT my dentists"
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
Dissatisfied.

Dissatisfied.
These postal banks are great insti'
tutions," said the prudent man,
II don't see that they're any great
improvement" said the improv1dent
person. They're harder to borrow
money from than the other kind"
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
The Heipino Hand.

The Married Mani tell you, its
when a man falls into misfortune that
he appreciates a woman. Ill.,.
The Single Man-You bet! It must
be handy thing sometimes to put all
your property in your wife's name
Puck.
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
For Breakfast.
Cares little what
His neiEhbor eats,
Just 50 he gets
A stack O. wheatS.e
Johnnie Warned.

Johnnie Warned.
Mamma, may have another pieco
Of pie?"
"Why, the idea, Johnnie! You know
it is said that in month a cater
pillar devours 5000 times its own
weight in food. You don't want to
become caterpillar, do you?"
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
On pitt.bura, Not CHICAGO.

VII VSSAoO~sOS wv ~'sS0OS'
you look on the blink, Mr.. OWL"
yep. I just blew in from Pitts
burg. The sun never rises there and
We can't tell when it's time to hole
, up."-Life.
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
conteAelWjee.

molly has won q very strenuous
young fellow for = husband, hasn't
she?"
well, now. from the way he cosxes
and humors her, should call him
rather q Molly coddler."
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
Had 70 Leaxe,

Had 20 Leave.
Mrs. Bacon-We hear your piano
going the whole livelong day. Got
company, haven't you?
Mrs: Egbert- Yes: you have. to,
haven't you?
well, we had until they heard your
piano."
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
Danger.

Danger.
rs your husband doing anything for
his health?''
Yes, he is going out every day to
get plenty of ozone.'
"You had better tell him to be care
ful Of those drugs
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
Just So.

Wiliam-This 10 queer world.
Walker-Right you are; a mans
shoes will often get united, but never
Just Is he is ready to take them on.
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
Alphabetically SPEAKING.

Alphabetically Speaking.
Il am the architect Of my own for
tune" said Mr. Dustin Stax.
WELL" replied Mr.. Holden Howes,
'eby being your own architect you're
liable to get some curious effects, but
you do save a lot OF money on plans
anc specifications
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
Making Il virile.

Making Il virile.
NO" said tho manager, I'm afraid
this play of yours won't CO."
sure Tell co." urged the young
aramatist. 1.-The hero says hell twice
and damn three times"
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
A 8uoaosbien.

... A Suggestion.
Alice-I got 4 hat at such bargain
this morning just feel like hugging
myself.
Dick-Hadn't you better have It
done by proxy?
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
Routine Resumed.

Master-So you have friendly doings
with your brothers people once more?
Pat-Yis, sir. His family and our'n
do be scrappin' agin as if they'd niver
bin parted-Harper's BaSar
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24

Jack-When proposed to Miss Bin.
runs she shook her head, but that
wasn't the worst Of 1t.
Tom-Indeed?
Jack-Her old man shook his 6s&
and raised his foot.
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
Not His Business.

Your friend looked peculiar when I
asked him il he was interested at all
in the shut-in movement"
mo wonder. He's the warden Of D
Jail"
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
The Small Boy.
Ere long, by fond
Emotions stirred,
He'll watch pa carve
That turkey-bird.
Just to Make Sure.

Just to Make 6uFe.
How shall l express my sentiments
toward you?" said the young man, ten
derby.
ON paper, please" said the girl.
Then there can be no chance of your
wriggling out of ."-Tit.Bits.
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
Not Surprising.

II know = man who is never trou.
bled by the police through he openly
seals in green goods"
"How is that?"
HE is a huckster."
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
A Preference.

A Preference.
I'D rather be q live rabbit than .
lead hon." he said, after they had
been sitting for a long time when the
silence was almost oppressive.
WELL" she replied, you get your
| WISH"
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
Modern Mary.

OF Mary and her little lamb
The rhymers like to pirate.
But Mary doesn't care a-rap!
She's found a new soul mate.
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
No Joke.

The current humor calls to MIND
That joke about the oyster stew,
That oysters in tho same, We find.
Are really few.
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
Asking Too Much.

$50 he refused to let you marry his
daughter"
mo; but he imposed conditions
which I cannot entertain"
What were they?"
Said I'd have to 20 to work first"
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
A Mascultne Surmlse.

a masculine SufNn1te.
Hudson-How would you explain
the inscrutable Mona Lisa smile?
Judson-Some one has told funny
story and the poor woman is smiling
in the wrong place.-Harper's Ba1ar.
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
WN0ro?
Now, wnersS the Girl
Who does not know
A bathing SIT "
II all for show?
Two o. Kind.

First BridesmAid-They are W0N
uatched, don't you think?
Second Bridesmaid-RAther: shN0
4 srass widow and he's . vegetarian.
London Opinion.
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
A FIinty Person.

The woman whom no flattery
Can ever move a jot,
Should operate a cattery
Upon some vacant lot.
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
An Illustration.

Professor McMuddls IL very IN.
Donioss in twisting things around to
Illustrate his theories. 10 he not?"
"Yos, believe he proposes to take
~ fact Of the champagne troubles
u France nearly overturning tho gov
trnment, to illustrate the curse Of
1yjnk."
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24

She-This isn't the first time he was
ever married. ..-. II,
He-How do you know? s
She-When the clergyman faltered
he prompted him. .....
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
He Did Better

Ae Did Better.
Marks-I married my wife q month
after she accepted me.
Parks-That's nothing. married
mine three days after she refused me.
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
At Last.

At Last.
"Bill,' said his long suffering sweet
heart, I'm tired Of your shiftless
ways. Got !: lob yet?'
Nope" he grunted: I'm still wait
in fur somethin' to turn up"
well, here 1t is, Bill. Take good
look at it and clear out"
Whereupon she turned up her nose
at him.
Slow but Sure.
"You say you are racing those aero
planists who are flying across the con
tinent?" ....:
That's what I said"
. But how does it happen that you
are on foot?" ...s..
I'm walkin'. That's how it hap
pens that am SO far ahead Of them
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24

Lady Ito sailor who is trying to
sell her a parrot)-Does it swear?
Sailor-Does it? Say, lady, that
bird had the captain of the ship beat
to a whisper. ..n
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24

The American Belle-Id have You
understand that I'm . Daughter Of the
Revolution. --.'.
The South American Bells-Dear
No! why, I'm . daughter Of ten q
twenty revolutions.
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24

Saleslady Tin music department)-
Hsre's . pretty song, There's Only
0oe Girl For Me-"
Male Customer-1 beg your pardon,
but I'm from Constantinople.
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
On thu Alma,

On the Alps. ....
Anxious Wife-For heavens sake,
don't fall down there, George. / shall
never find my way down by myself
13ieEende Blaetter
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24
! schoo, Dist. No. 81.

Only Then.
4 tr,,a fan he
Who never grins.
UNLESS. Of course,
The home team wins.
New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1912-01-24

An Exception.
"A good man always is found a
top Of the heap" ..
Mot always. For instance, in q
football game the best man is usually
found at the bottom Of heap"
Evening star., 1912-09-03
FORCED TO DON RAINCOAT.
Religious Leader Can't Preach in
Barred Legs in Atlantic City.

ATLANTIC CITY. y. j., September 8
One of the curious modes OF dress OF the
Israelites OF the House of David, a reli-
gious cult which has a thriving colony at
Benton Harbor. Mich. ran bump into an
Atlantic City ordinance yesterday. The
chief of the cult, flowing hair reaching
nearly to his waist, legs naked and feet
sandaled, walked majestically into the
office of the chief of police to obtain a
permit to enlighten the people on the
street corners. With him was one Of the
sisters.
You can talk" said the chief, but
not in that rig unless you cover 1t up
with a raincoat. There's an ordinance
here in Atlantic City that was aimed at
the bathers, but see II hits YOU"
The religious leader was sad that his
religion should be robbed of one of it's
distinctive features. but when he and the
sister appeared on the street last night
raincoats covered the scanty garb affected
by the Israelites of the House of David.
Their long hair. however, still was loose
10 the breeze, and sandals Were on their
feet
Evening star., 1912-09-03
MOB ATTACKS SOLDIER
DRESSED AS A WOMAN
Disguised Artilleryman Detected at
Long Island Resort and
Sent to Jail.

NEW YORK, September 3.-The confess
sion of Fred Bersinger. a private from
the United States Artillery Corps at Fort
Totten, when arraigned before Magistrate
Leach in the Long Island City police court
yesterday. that he and five other soldiers
had been masquerading as women at
amusement places at North Beach, and
also that his companions had successfully
eluded detection, put the detectives at the
resort yesterday and last night on a new
trail.
Bersinger said that he and his compan-
ions Sunday wanted to have some new
excitement, and SO they decided to dress
up as women. It was near midnight when
a woman in one of the dance halls saw
through Bersinger's disguise. crowd OF
men and women then started to beat him.
Policeman Devinney rescued him and
placed him under arrest. Magistrate
Leach fined him s1O This the soldier did
not have, and he was taken to the
Queens Jail.
Evening star., 1912-09-03
RECORD ESTABLISHED.
Four Sisters Married by Same Serv-
ice in Arkansas.

FORT SMITH. Ark, September "a
new matrimonial record in Arkansas was
entered when Mr.. and Mrs. Lewis Clark
announced that their four daughters
were married to four young planters by
the same service Sunday night at the
Clark country place near Ozark. The
Quadruple ceremony united:
Miss Clark. %. to Taylor Mccain, u.
Miss Selma Clark, 15, to Thomas
Welch, %.
Miss Jerusha Clark. II, to George
Powell, %.
Miss Gladys Clark, 10. to A H. Will
liams, %.
The brides and bridegrooms, after at
tending the wedding supper. repaired to
their several homes. newly built in the
same community.
Evening star., 1912-09-03
SUSTAINED BY DEPARTMENT.
Commandant Of Navy Yard in Fight
Against Saloon.

SEATTLE. WASH; September 3.-The
Charleston gate Of the Puget sound navy
yard. which was closed because the council
Of Charleston issued an additional saloon
license In violation OF an agreement with
the navy yard. will remain closed. The
Navy Department at Washington has
sustained Admiral Cottman, comnnandant
of the yard, in his fight against the new
saloon.
The new marine barracks is close to the
Charleston end of the yard. and Charles
ton merchants are deprived of the trade
of the men because of the action Of the
council.
Evening star., 1912-09-03
DEATH IN SPREADING RAILS.
Woman Killed and Four Passenger,
Injured in Missouri.

JOPLIN, Mo-. September "A woman
was killed and four other passengers were
badly injured when a spreading rail
caused a coach on a Missouri and North
Arkansas train to roll down an embank-
ment cast of Shirley. Ark, last night.
The train was eastbound from Eureka
Springs to Helena, and was running about
thirty miles an hour. According to a dis
patch received here the coach in rolling
down the embankment broke a telegraph
pole. carrying both telephone and tele-
graph wires with il. AS a result COM
munication with towns beyond Shirley
has been cut off.
Evening star., 1912-09-03
RAT ATTACKS CHILDREN.
Small Daughters of Farmer Believed
to Be Fatally Bitten.

WILKES BARRE, Pa. September 3.-The
two small daughters of Arthur Gething. a
farmer living near here. are believed to
be dying from injuries received when they
were attacked in bed by a large rat.
which bit them repeatedly about the face
and chest
Gething was awakened in the middle
of the night by the sounds Of the strug-
gle, and succeeded in killing the rat with
a blow from his shoe.
Evening star., 1912-09-03
ROCKS BOAT, BUT IS SAVED.
Two Youths Overturned in Hudson
Saved by Couple in Launch.

NEW YORK, September 3.-Mrs. An
drew Schneider of Manitou. in a launch
in the Hudson river of Hastings yester-
day, caught sight Of an overturned craft
toward the Palisades on the Jersey shore
Raising a pair of field glasses to her
eyes. she exclaimed to her husband:
"Why, there are two persons hanging
to that boat
Schneider gave the wheel few quick
turns and in an instant the launch was
off on its rescue errand. They found
two young men struggling in the water.
When the launch drew up Mrs.
Schneider offered one of them a helping
hand and Schneider caught the other.
They were Howard Tuttle and Frederick
Wyman of Goshen, who were camping at
Alpine. N. J.
They rowed over to Hastings to buy
food and on their way back got into the
swell of an excursion steamer. Their
craft tossed about and Wyman. who can
swim only little, was frightened.
Tuttle, to worry Wyman, began rocking
the boat. Finally it overbalanced and
both were thrown into the water. Tuttle,
who is a good swimmer. kept his COM
panion up until aid arrived.
Evening star., 1912-09-03
ORDERS WASHERS CLUBBED.
st. Paul Judge Would Provide Good
Beating, Then Arrest.

ST. PAUL, Mimi, September ;i.-Mash-
ers in St. Paul are in for a clubbing at
the hands of policemen. The latter will
not fear to give it to them. for they
have been ordered to do so by a judge
of the municipal court.
Get the man mashers parading st.
Paul streets and insulting women" said
Judge Finehout yesterday. III you catch
them give them a good clubbing besides
arresting them
Evening star., 1912-09-03
WALKS WITH BROKEN HEAD.
Boys Skull Fractured by Bat in
Hands of q PLAYMATE.

NEW YORK, September 3.-William
Smith, fifteen years old, of No. 80 South
10th street. Williamsburg, was playing
"cat'' in the street near his home yester-
day when a bat in the hands of one of
his playmates felied him.
His playmates thought he was only
slightly hurt. as he was able to walk
about, but older folk sent for DIR. Eberle
of the Williamsburg Hospital, who found
Smiths skull was fractured The doctors
were amazed he should have been able
to walk with such an injury.
Evening star., 1912-09-03
EXCITEMENT THAT KILLS.
Ball Fan Dies Of Heart Failure Fol-
lowing Close Game.

WILKES BARRE, Pa. September s.
Timothy Flanagan, well known here as a
base ball fan, is dead of heart failure, the
result OF excitement over a particularly
close game between two local teams yes
terday. Flanagan, during a rally. stood
on his seat and yelled for several minutes
until suddenly he dropped limp, dying be-
fore he could he taken from the grounds.
Evening star., 1912-09-03
Mount Rainier's Carnival.

Mount Rainier's second annual carnival
opened under conditions promising great
success for the venture last night. At
the carnival the oratory planned for the
opening night was postponed because of
rain. The crowds, however, attended in
force. their ardor undampened by
weather conditions.
Peter Hagan was king carnival In the
parade of the morning. Mounted on a
mule and clad in royal robes Of red and
green, with the scepter of authority in
Evening star., 1912-09-03
Trooper Killed by Lightning.

RiSBEE. Ariz., September 3.-Trooper
Saddier OF the 4th United States Cavalry
was struck by lightning and killed while
riding near Fort Huachuca yesterday
Egnt cartridges in his belt were explod-
cd. His horse also was killed.
Evening star., 1912-09-03
DID NOT SEEK FUNDS
FROM STANDARD OIL
Senator Bourne, Replying to
Roosevelt, Denies Connec-
ton With the Trust.

Scouting the idea that he had any con-
nection with the Standard OIL Company
or that he had endeavored at any time
to bring about contributions by that cor
poration for Roosevelts campaign, Sena-
tor Jonathan Bourne Of Oregon yesterday
afternoon replied to Col Roosevelt's 8
statement that he and former Representa-
tive Sibley of Pennsylvania were the only
legislators who ever called at the White
House during his administration in regard
to Standard OIL Senator Bourne said that
he was surprised that Col. Roosevelt had
dragged his name into the controversy he
is now having with Standard Oil repre-
sentatives and Senator Penrose and Sena-
tor La Toilette.
about a settlement between the govern
ment and the Standard Oil Company in
1908 has any bearing upon the present
political situation" said Senator Bourne.
Explaining his effort to bring about this
settlement, Senator Bourne said:
II did so believing that such a result
would prevent the continuance of a panic
started In 1907, and that the government
could secure much better terms by a set
tlement than through the court"
President Roosevelt he thought the time
opportune to make a settlement with the
Standard Oil Company and to secure It's
cooperation in getting a federal fncor-
poration law that would provide har-
Dor Of refuge for honest business with
the government, the harbormaster, and
the penitentiary for the dishonest busi-
ness man."
Doubt Expressed by Roosevelt.
President Roosevelt expressed grave
doubt" Senator Bourne continued, "ebout
any settlement favorable to the govern
ment being made with the Standard OIL
Company. Entirely on my own volition
and without Col Roosevelt's knowledge,
went to New York and sought an in
terview with Mr.. Archbold. / explained
to him the advantages Of a federal in
corporation law. Mr.. Archbold expressed
himself as willing to compromise with
the government and favored stringent
federal incorporation law"
Following this the senator said several
conferences were held with the represent
atives Of the Department OF Justice. In
my opinion" he continued, "the govern
ment would have been much better off
had one been made ratheD than the final
decision of the Supreme Court. I wish
to state that l had no personal interest
in the matter other than q desire to
minimize the panic, and secure the sup
port of big business interests for a virile
federal incorporation law.
II have never had an interest in any
Of the Standard Oil Companies. 1 have
known Mr.. Archbold and his family for
several years and have visited his house.
Neither he nor any Of his associates has
ever talked to me about any congression-
al or state legislation other than my talks
with him on federal incorporation law
and the popular governmental fundamen-
tails"
Evening star., 1912-09-03

1t pays to read the want columns of
The Star. Hundreds Of situations are
filed through them.
Evening star., 1912-09-03
Schedule of Amusements.

Athletic events preceded the speaking,
and in the base ball game between the
machinists and glassblowers the former
won by score of 16 to 1. A baby show
at 3 o'clock proved an attraction for
many at the park. There were twelve
entrants. Joseph c. Duncan proved the
winner of the first prize. and the second
prize went to Norman Brenner.
For the fattest baby the first prize
went to Leah Rebecca Greiner. second
honors going to Morris Wigfield. The
judges of the contest were NJ. NJ. Lollo,
William Collins and John Murphy, the
latter Of Washington
William Pettey easily captured the
small creased pig after very short
chase. The 1OO-yard dash was won by
Patrick Murphy, this city. whose time
was IL seconds Mary Harrison and Ge-
nora Arlington came in first and second.
respectively. in the 50-yard dash for girls
under sixteen years of age. There were
six contestants in this race. The three
legged race was easily won by William
Clark and Mckinley Cornell.
The celebration was in charge of COM
mittee composed of Clarence w. Ale
chairman: George w. Cragg. Howard T.
Colvin, Thomas r. Fones. William Pet
tey, Thomas Larkins, Arthur Gray and
Harvey MILAN.