The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-04-28
BAALAM, AND HIS ASS
By wELLrNGTo \ vANDlvER

The story of Balaam and his solidun-
 gulate quadruped of the Family Equidae
 ad Equs Asinus, warns us that only one
 Jackass in the history of the world has
 succeeded in tackling the Clergy, and got
 away with it.
 In l452 B. C.. fat party, named J..
 Balak of Zippor held down the job of
 Ringing over the Land of Moab. It
 wasn't half so good an office as Back Tax | Commissioner of Jefferson County, as the l Jews and Nut-Grass were getting too unanimous to suit the Administration. | Balak's averdupois bothered him. also; he
 had not seen his feet in Ten years and in
 personal appearance he was cross be- tween Bill Taft and a tub of chtlius, 1 Awakening one morn from a sweet dream of grease Baak decided that what those | pesky trespassing Jews most needed was
 good cussing Colonel Tillman Balaam | Beor who represented the South Carolina | District of Mesopotama, mad for years | made his living by cursing people, and doing light seight of hand work on the side Every town possesses this sort of cur in human shape, and every qiuet man
 of every town is secretly afraid of him. the good citizen has to endure the CUTS i ing, or kill the dog. Balaam had ac- | qured some money by devious ways, and 1 persistent. blasphemous cursing of every 1 body, and his property permitted him | greater license for his foul tongue. King
 Balak sent a Committee of Elders down | to Balaams town with instructions to l fetch back the Boss cusser and have him work on the Emigrant Jews. After goug- | ing the Elders on the Hotel Bill Balaam returned a message to the Jay King as | follows, to wit Say to Old Fatty that while I am unqualifedly the most un- paraleled, world renowned, Gosh-all- l l.. l,.3fr as,fy, off Cusser in the Torrid Zone, yet 1 don't 1 think it would be good politics to cuss a l lot ofS Israelitish Capita lists, each Of whom have a bigger wad of money than your old Lard-Vat of a Populte King,
 who seems to have more digestion than dough Tell old Bally-whack. or what
 ever the Old Toad's name is, that there s
 Nothing Doing The Jews continued to
 pervade the Landscape. establishing Red
 Sea" stores, and Golden Calf, Clothing Emporiums, and three ball Charitable exchanges, until Balak concluded that he would either have to change to a Com
 mission Form of Government, or run these Sons of Abraham out of the Cour-
 try /. He framed up delegation number two to visit Balaam. the bunch consisting
 of the Governors Private Secretary the Congressman from the Soap-Mine Dis trict two leading Corporation lawyers,
 and the Chief Blind Tiger Artist of the Black Belt Section. He loaded them with enough poodle to choke a COW and in-
 structed them to argue the matter in a
 safe and sane way with the Gentleman | from Mesopotamia.
 The Committee endured night of agony at Balaam's Country Hotel, but before leaving a sufficient inducement was held out to him to secure his promise to ride
 up and hand out sizzling cussing to the proper parties, on the next day, but
 Balaam assured them. after carefully testing the coins paid him with Nitric
 acid, that he wouldn't cuss anything, or
 anybody, unless he first had instructions from Higher Power.
 Early next morning Balaam saddled his trusty Hee-Haw and accompanied by two servants. a ham-bone, Forty dollars in
 Phenician money, and the stepographic proceedings of the late Making Deuocratic State Convention. lit out for Noah. The Convention Report he ex- pected to use as sort of fountain of pro- fan.ty, q ready reference work on mod ern cursing He rode an Ass because an
 Automobile wasn't handy and because
 the Donkey had excited profanity in it's
 rider for years previously. The perversity and stupidity of an Ass is the primeval
 first cause of making a Preacher cuss.
 There never was a Jackass created who did not enjoy profanity in clerical circles. Many Preachers of Modern times warned
 by Balaam's experience. ride a hobby
 instead of an Ass. in the hope that when
 they open their mouths the people wont
 know whether the animal or the rider
 is doing the talking.
 Filled with the beauty of the jocund
 Spring time. and his thoughts lightly turning to a limelight performance in the zippor Opera House the Hon. T. Balaam