Republican news item. [volume] (Laport, Pa.) 1896-19??, 1912-12-13
CONCERNING GIRLS
AND GOLD BAGS

bag carelessly thrown down beside
her.
Take 1t away" she ordered. TITS
a solid one, as l can easily see. and 1t
makes me nervous to be near It! I'm
afraid of their influence! Now, | can
face a German silver gold washed one
without flnching; but run me up
against a solid gold bag and begin to
get chills and fever. / guess 1t is be-
cause | am always so overpowered by
the thought OF several hundred dollars
tied up in such a small bit of frivolity.
"Now, If I owned one-if, that is,
some relative should catch me and
bind and gag me and thrust a solid
gold bag upon me by main force-1
think | should devote the rest Of my
life to sheltering 1t and giving it the
reverence which was its due. | know
should waken in the night with a
shrek, thinking had not locked it up
I'm the jewel case that was in the Sc
cret drawer Of the tim clock safe be-
hind padlocked closet door. And !
know that in my waking hours
should either sit upon it or wear It
chained to me.
THAT is why the women who actual
ly do own solid gold bags make me so
nervous. The minute you possess one
1t is the correct thing to act as though
it were the mud under your feet or as
though you We're so sick of having
them cluttering up your pathway that
you simply couldn't stand it another
minute! You can't be.ong to the clan
at all unless you learn to scatter your
bag around reCklessly where people
will find 1t and have heart disease for
fear they won't get 1t back to you be-
fore you have called out the police re-
serves and set them on their trail.
at is always the people who don't
own them who do the worrying.
"Why, I once knew a man who used
to run around with a girl who owned
solid gold bag, and she carried 1t
upon every occasion, of course. She
used to drop it between seats at the
theater and remember she had done
SO when they We're three-quarters of
the way home. And then the man
would be obliged to spend the rest of
+he night chasing up ianitors and box
flee men and routing them out of
ed and groveling under parquet seats
travelling miles to the residence of
he usher on that aisle and having a
ak with him.
The bag always was found, Of
,ourse, and the person finding 1t was
'nly too tickled to get rid Of it and
perfectly delighted to pass it over to
he hsrassed young man. But that did
lot help much at or or o'clock in
he morning, when he was due at the
office again at g. If this particular
girl did not drop it at the theater she
would leave 1t on the table at the
;afe, and then, when she telephoned
his unfortunate young man at a. m
that she had just remembered doing
so and would he very much mind
seeing about ii, he knew he was in for
a near-riot with all the walters at that
restaurant and that he would never
dare face the naughty head waiter In
that particular place again, even If all
the other restaurants burned up and
he had to starve to death. Really, by
the end of the winter he was the most
popularity hated young man in town at
restaurants and box offices.
"Once she los 1t on the suburban
train, discovering the fact when they
arose to leave. She said, of course, he
could easily find It. Showing her into
her front door the young man tore
back to the station and caught the
same train on It's return trip to town
and tackled the conductor. pop-eyed
with anxiety and responsibility and
hopelessness. Gold bag?' repeated the
conductor casually. 'Sure-here 1t is!
l picked 1t up right after you left!'
But the unlooked,for luck was too
much Of shock for the young man
and he gurgled and fell all In heap
: When he had quite recovered from
his illness he went away quickly and
married girl who had never in her
life owned anything more elaborate
than $S.9S bargain mesh bag that
looked its price.
There was another woman with
solid gold bag who spent her summer
at the lake last year and who used to
leave the bag on logs in the woods or
on steps when she went calling on the
cottagers. The children, finding 1t on
the steps, would gleefully bury 1t in
their sand forts and forget all about
what they had done, and then for
hours all the resorters and inn ssrv-
ants would madly search for that bag.
When they had uprootetd all the
shrubbery and devastated their homes
and politely accused everybody else,
nurses had burst into tears and
thrown up their positions, somebody
would accidentally kick over the sand
fort and fall upon the bag with yelp
of joy Then every one would mop