The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1912-08-29
IT IS SURE DEATH
Killing Men by Statistics Is
Instant and Painless.
No Pop Bottles to Throw at
Battlefield Jumps.
STYLES IN WAR CHANGED
Work Done by Militiamen De-
cided by Rest Needed.
Soldiers Divided Into Two
Classes Till Pay Day.

Eejng killed by statistics is the sur
est death yet discovered Comparse.
to statistics, cyanide is heiath 1oou
and carbolic acid looks like a lemon
nbosnbate Substitution is painless
hut it nails you in the end In tns
war maneuvers between the Reo anu
Riue armies, which has just closed, an
of the Staying was done by this metnOo
with no more discomfort imam lAe
hurting of a few feelings.
For it is rather provoking wnen q
dashing Young officer is bravely lead
ing a heroic charge against tne eheAIiS'
while a vision in white ana an d0IO
mobile watches enraptured, to nave an
umpire ride up at the very a.
when he is close enough to use Inc
enemy's wax bullets for chewing gum
and inform him, after carefully con-
shifting a book that he has been oeau
for six and three-quarters minutes
And there are no pop bottles on D01
tlef1eld. :. +aLas
10 600 shots to kill five men when the
troops firing them are entrenchen anu az,
under artillery fire, but Wnen tue c.
lerv stops they kill man WITH eHgLy
800 bullets. The question arises: -W ~
~ +bev ston the artillery? According
to statistics again, when artlllery Is
covering an attack, the number K1leo
nv their own guns constantly increases
as they approach the enemy.
therefore, when the number pelnS
killed by the supporting cannon equais
the increase in the number the enemy
would kill were the artillery stopped.
they stop the artillery and let tue
enemy use their own ammumtlon "
kill the men. Simple. isn't 1t?
War styles Have Changed.
Tn war, as in wonien's clothes, styles
have changed, and war has continued
the resemblance by getting worse. Inc
present article would be a strain on
even General Sherman's vocabulary. In
the olden days, before the advent OF
statistics a general could polish up mis-
sword and epaulets and ride at the
head of his courageous leg1ons into the
very laws of the enemy and propaoIy
cause a, search for a dentist without
being so much as powder marked.
But nowadays he has to wear PLAIN
khaki uniform instead OF circus clothes
and, should he lead charge, the UNI
pires wait until the enemy has USED
one days supply of powder and then
alphabetically tell him that he passed
into the great beyond at 11:54:2S.
How the Militia Works.
They. even have statistics on how
much work a militia regiment should
do. The amount varies inversely with
the amount of sleep the rest of the
camp got the night before For IN
stance, if the commanding officer slept
six hours the militia will hike eight
miles, but if the noise kept him awake
for all but three of the "A, they must
march eleven miles and dig 800 yeards
of trenches 1t is strange how dig
cling trenches will decrease the quantl-
ty of sound waves around an army
camp.
With the help of statistics the militia
can be kept in just that state of fatigue
which allows the proper amount OF
rest for the regular soldiers without
having to resort to alarm clocks
Soldiers are governed by statistics,
officers and bugle calls. The calls lead
in numbers with the statistics running
a close second. The first call learned
is the mess calm fact, some soldiers
say they would be willing to forget all
the others. Mess call is the starting
gun in the race for chow
Cavalrymen call the infantry dough
boys Infantrymen then call the cav
airy a variety of things. "Dough-boy"
is an Indian word and means. Man
ho-makes-dough-o ut-of-the-mud-with-
he-marches. H'Dough-boy''
might be used instead of the bugle call
to charge as it always starts a bat
tie.
Soldiers are div: led into two classes
those who drink and those who don't
drink There is only one class after
payday.