davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1912-02-18

Peas around the Ballot Box and get
ting ready to fire up a Samovar. When
he glanced into the Polling Booth and
saw that it was draped with Doilies he
nearly had a Hemorrhage
This is the Glad Day you have heard
so much about" replied Laura Chiv-
ington Cadbury, displaying her dainty
Badges. which showed that she was a
Judge. You will be expected to wear
Gray Gloves with a Morning Coat and
put a Gardenia In your Lapel. AS the
Voters arrive you will softly inquire
their Names and lead them along the
Receiving Line and make sure that each
is given either a Macaroon or an Olive
That evening when they sorted the
Votes and decided to throw out all that
were Soiled or folded Improperly, he
was over in a corner making out a list
Of Guests for the waiting Reporters.
Moral-Equal Suffrage will have a de-
moralizing Effect on one Of the principal
Sexes.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1912-02-18
Gentle KueckletS n& &z$2P{

ship, and consideration. and kindliness,
and sense of civic duty, and other little
desirable human virtues Of that sort. But
the little patches of cleared, dry pave
ment always were succeeded by pre-
ponderating number Of patches of dead
ly slickery leering ice; ice that had been
snow, and that had been packed into ice
by the imperiled wayfarers, who had to
pass over these bad patches If they were
to get to their jobs and get back from
them.
A good part Of the time had to take to
the middle of the street; and the middle
of the street, strange to say Ito one VINO
remembers his cleanly Washington or
old wasn't much better. What snow
clearance had been made on the asphalt
seemed to have been made solely by the
melting influence at noon for few min
utes each day Of the wan. wintry sun: so
far as I could observe Freely granting
that I may have been wrongly there had
been no attempt whatever to clear the
snow from the streets
If the snow really isn't cleared from
the streets of Washington. I wonder why
not? 1t used to be. I do know that.
This was ar one time the busiest little
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1912-02-18

And every little Paper Cigar was an
other Spike in the Burial Casket.
With seven or eight Guardians trail
ing him Day and Night to keep him
away from the Lures Of the Wicked
World it looked like Pipe that he
would grow up to be the Dean Of a
Theological Seminary.
Across the Street lived a poor unfor-
tunate Lad whose Father was making
the futile Endeavor to take it away
faster than the Revenue Officers could
put Stamps on it. He was the original
Blotter. When they were trying to pry
him away from 1t he would take a
chance on anything from Arnica to Ex-
tract of Vanilla.
the only Son was cast for the Part Of
Joe Morgan.
He is now the Head Of a Mail-O Order
House. When he sees a Corkscrew he
pulls his Hat firmly over his Ears and
runs a Mile.
The Graduate of the Lecture Bureau
evening with a Bourbon H. b. at his
Right, a stack sof Student Lamps at
his Left and Two Small Pair pressed
closely against his Bosom.
Moral-The modern Ambition seems to
be to vary the Program.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1912-02-18
He Misunderstood.

THE career of the late Joseph E. g.
! Ryan. Americas richest and most
successful press agent. was being dis
cussed in the Chicago Press Club.
Ryan," said a sporting editor, '1mput-
ed his success to his funny stories. He
had funny story for every possible con-
tingency. He claimed that. If a story was
funny enough he could worm newspaper
space with 1t out Of the sternest editor.
"Apropos Of misunderstanding about
an automobile meeting, Ryan with q
story once wormed three stickfuls Of
space out of me.
Ryan, apropos of this misunderstand-
ing, said that young Chicago clerk
was calling on a girl. when, at about
a quarter past 10 o'clock. her father
stalked into the parlor, his watch in his
hand.
THE young fellow looked up nervously
from copy Of Ella Wheeler Wilcox that
he was reading aloud, and the girls
father said:
"'Young man. do you know what time
'aThe clerk closed his book.
"'Yes. SIR he said rising. was Just
going
And without delay he hurried into the
hall, grabbed his hat and overcoat from
the rack and opened the front door.
"'Do you know what time 1t is?' the ia
Their repeated.
".Yes, sir. Good night said the young
man.
1.-The door closed behind him, and the
father murmured in a puzzled voice:
What the deuce ails that young fell
low? My watch ran down this afternoon
and I wanted to get tho time from him
so that l could set it,. -
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1912-02-18

snow-cleaning town in all America, !
verify believe. I remember way back a
quarter Of century ago (ye-eh. I've put
in my application for membership in the
Oldest Inhabitants Association when
they used to have those fine snow carni-
walls on the south side OF the Avenue, 1t
keep the snow-cleaners from shoveling up
the snow from that side Of the Avenue
on which they drove their beautifully
decorated sleighs. Just what, one Won
ders, is the reason that they don't tote the
snow off of the streets now? Back In the
flown years they'd get busy with that
cleanup thing right atop Of snow
storm in Washington, and the snow. at
that distant and lovable time, never was
permitted to pack in the streets until
from curb to curb took his life in his
hands.
Gentle Knocklet No Ooh the unil-
Elimination Of Washington! By which
know, at night. Somewhere in this place,
at previous time. I've written on the
stygian darkness Of one OF the great
thoroughfares Of all the world. namely,
Pennsylvania avenue. The darkness of
Pennsylvania avenue really is a sort of
sad, tragic joke. 1t Is a thing incredible.
am referring to the darkness of many
-most-of the streets in the sections
where folks live. Oh, yes. those new
globe lights in certain downtown Sec
tons, around the main squares and
circles and things not far from the
White House, are very pretty. But how
many-count 'em-are there? I refer to
lust the average spots Of the town where
people live in houses. Just one little
dim, pickering street lamp on the corner,
ond another az the same sort caffy-cor-
ner from 1t at the end of a long street
and that's about all. The gloom Of 1t!
The Cimmerian sadness of it! And the
fine and inviting chance it offers for the
activities Of hold-up men!
I wonder why the clever stick-up men
of Chicago. who have to work on bright
" lighted streets, don't all pack up their
grips and move to Washington? This Is
the place for them! The residential
streets at night all encircled and enfod-
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1912-02-18

a Potomac-ite all the way through to the
marrow and then beyant to the. nerve
cells and the little old place tno dstrac-
call their burg III OF N'Yawk'') hath
an abiding place in my sentimental and
spiritual midriff. as It has in the bosoms
OF all exiles from Washington. Odd you
ever come upon any Of these exiles from
always going back ''some day." the poor
miserable unfortunately And SO. no mat
ter where I be, I presume I am one of
the leading and certainly the most bolster
GUS and dogmatic defender of Washing
ton. when Washington by any chance gets
under the gun Of some Boetian individual
who doesn't know Of what he Is convers-
ing, to be found anywhere
/ particularly dislike to hear a New
Yorker attempt to dish out dents to
Washington I live in New York mainly.
and If there Is any square inch Of 1t from
the Bronx to the Battery that I don't
know and abhor for perfectly valid rea-
sons that are well known to everybody
who ever left civilized city and tried to
live in New York, I'd like to have the
city surveyor summoned for remeasure-
ment Of the ground.
find upon glancing up this page that
I began by intimating that man ought
to be permitted to uncoil a few upper
cuts on his own home town, il only to in
dicate how much he loves the old place.
Anu haven YET lduIcu out d WduOp
Time presses! Let's get 'em out Of our
SYSTEM
l was in Washington for about ten days
recently. like to walk about the streets.
Speaking generally, have the pavements
of Washington been walkable during
much of this winter? Not so that you
could perceive it with the trusty old
binoculars of the second mate, according
to what I've heard and what / saw. l
don't remember ever having had such a
slidey, slippery, perilous time Of it trying
to get little air and exercise, since once
I tried to stroll the deck of ship In far
northern waters. Every minute Of the
time that I've tried to navigate the pave
ments of Washington in the domiciliary
districts Of the northwest section mainly.
I've felt in momentary danger of going
to the bricks and detaching my wishbone
from the bosom Of my lilac-hued tunic.
There'd be patches Of cleared. dry pave
ment, Of course; each patch spelling good
citizenship In large letters; good citizen
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1912-02-18

ed in darkness profound, so that IL you
can see your hand before you in the mid
die of block you're open to the accuse
ton of being an owl-what snap 1t
would be for the gum-shoe artist to
nudge along and execute that strange
stuff in a city so conditioned as to its
night lighting!
In most of the cities OF tho size OF
Washington they now have at all four
corners of the streets in the domiciliary
districts those big street lamps with
clusters Of five incandescent electric
lamps in each one of them, and the glow
is pleasing and gives fine little feeling
of security when you're nudging home from
somewhere at am. with Twelve or
thirteen dollars in the nankeens; and 1t
lights up the place SO that you can get a
slant at what the burg looks like after
nightfall: and altogether it is satisfac
tory and pleasing and about III years
ahead of the Washington method of
lighting-I mean not lighting-the streets
of its residential quarter.
Love Tap No. 81 was as believe I've
observed here fifteen or twenty times al
ready, in Washington for about ten
days. I rode all over the town. on street
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1912-02-18

1t to lean upon. Mark Twain's after.
dinner speaking was like the music OF
Tristan and Isolde" is to the average
listener; you always were waiting fol-
something to happen. Occasionally the
drift, like that Of the Wagner music. led
toward something that looked Hike II
might pop and burgeon; then 1t switched
and got into a morass or swamp or some
thing, and sort Of flivverinoed. so to
speak.
For a half-witty, half-serious after
dinner talk nobody. ever had anything
on Gen. Horace Porter, who Tor nearly
forty years has been absolutely at the
top of the list, in the humble estimation
Of this writer, as an after-dinner speaker
in and around New York. Marse Henry
Watterson always has been able to make
'em chuckle-yes, and become lumpy
around the fichu, too, to put it in that
.May-when he has come up this way to
banquetize. Simeon Ford, the New York
hotel man, really is funny-absolutely the
funniest after-dinner speaker in the his
tory of New York. There are a few
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1912-02-18
Gu1elp$ NeWV6rk Letter.

applicable egotism at the dinners, for In
stance, of the medical people in New
York-the medical societies. The doctor
at these banquets, is the only worthwhile
development from the anthropoid. He's
the article. All the rest are mere pifflers
and cumberers of the ground. What
would the world. especially Moo Yawk, dc
without the doctors-particularly the doc
tors there assembled at that particular
banquet? Nothing whateverl 1t couldn't
be done. They couldn't do. They'd lay
down and quit and work the cancellation
clause both ends from the middle. Rank
outsiders sitting at the board because
they have to are perfectly familiar with
the fact that New York doesn't know
what to do with about three-quarters OF
the doctors that 1t has within its Dor
ders, and that the more sane part OF
New York would willingly dispense with
about seven-eighths Of the kind of doc
tors that are being turned out nowadays
but you'll never catch a note Of this at
the banquet Of a New York medical So
ciety. It's all the I'VE are" thing there.
~
Same with the banquets of the lawyers
in New York; and there are more law
yers' banquets in New York during the
winter than there are poker f1estas at GER
tain Washington coulds 1 know Of from
October until May. The same old puz-
Zling note OF We-are-neSS runs through
all of the flatulent remarks of the after
dinner chatterers. 1t sounds, really, like
a girl praising her complexion, or her
figger, or the shape of her ears, but It's a
strange and weird and disQuieting thing
to listen to large slews of persons who
shave of mornings, and often elderly per-
sons too, standing up and hurting Amer
lean beauty roses and orchids and violets
and carnations and things at themselves
in such profuson as almost to smother
the tables in the cascade of exotics. The
law? Nothing to it. bunch! The law is
the only thing that keeps the republic
from busting into everlasting fragments
and sliding into the surf and being swal-
lowed up like SO much popcorn or salt
water taffy. The law is the backbone Of
the-er-well. it's the backbone. any
how. of something; and. outside Of us
fellers sitting around these tables to-
night-well. honest. we hate to slip our
selves compliments and all like that-but,
talking specifically and straight out, out
side of us bunch sitting around this fes-
tive board tonight, there really isn't much
in the line of humanity line worth advert
ing to in any terms except those Of de-
rision, not to say vituperation, Is there?
Vince! We are!
Santos, Brazil, isn't what you might
call a sanitary or healthful place But
the people living in Santos don't have to
attend banquets during the winter season
in Moo Yawk!
CLARENCE L CULLEN.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1912-02-18

cars mainly. however, or the Pennsyl-
vania avenue and 14th street lines, and
I didn't have a at-dcwn for myself on
any occasion-not once! At all hours
OF the day and night I've boarded these
cars. wistfully hoping in wearied mo-
ments that maybe, after all, / might
have the luck to cop seat But such a
thing didn't happen. Maybe it was purely
accidental In each case. But | protest
that rode on the cars on many occa-
sions during what are called the or
hours-that is, when the traffic is not
supposed to be heavy-but nary the seat
did l manage to trap for myself. 1
stood up and swayed and rocked around
and chung to straps (by the way. there
are not even enough straps. but nobody
got up on his way out and gave me Il
chance to slide into his vacated seat. L
stood right to my getting-off place
on each and every occasion.
Why? Search the Undersigned The
population Of Washington hasn't increas-
ed SO enormously as all Of this might
lead one to infer. There has been a
normal. healthy growth in population
right along. but nothing startling. And
yet it isn't any task of memory to recall
when it was pretty easy to get seat in
a Washington street car.
What is the answer? Far be it from the
hereof chronicler to profess the posses
sion Of anything approaching subtlety.
but he has a cagey sort of suspicion
that the answer is that not enough cars
are run When there's not enough bread
In the house l believe Ii is considered the
sage, sensible sort Of thing among peo-
pie even Of the most moderate Intelligence
to go out and get some more bread.
This cute little smile applies, / think,
to the cars in Washington. It is rudi-
mentary arithmetic.
The truth has been here told about
the cars. Let's confess that there's a
peeve behind the truth, however, peeve
developed by a pair of we'll barked shins.
got by trying to climb the scandalously
high steps of the Washington street cars.
Is the time at hand when Washingto-
mans will have to carry collapsible step
ladders in order to board their street
cars? CLARENCE /. CULLEN.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1912-02-18
The Morning on Which
He Should Have OVERSIGHT

- NE Morning A Precinct Para
site owing Allegiance to a
Political Party Of Progressive
Principles went around to the
dingy office Of a Fuel Supply Co. to
pull Off the customary Fake Primary.
He was met at the Door by a broad
faced Lady Of benevolent Men and
black Ribbons on her Nose Glasses.
who told him to use the Mat and not
track up the Place
What is the Idea?' asked the alco-
holio Henchman looking vainly about
for Bottle-Nose Curley. Mike and Pike.
and Sm1tty and Dip, who always had
been his Associates in the sacred Task
Of registering the Will Of the People.
Instead Of the old familiar strong
arm Phalanx he saw a Bevy of plump
Joans who were hanging Chintz Cur
tains, arranging q neat design of Sweet
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1912-02-18

words Of chidement and reproof.
When any one who Is not a washington
MAN tries to knock Washington to me. he
has got to fight, and he has got to know
how to fight. live away from Washing
ton nearly all Of the time now. Just drop
ping in occasionally to look EN- all over
scrutinizingly, but lovingly, and to ascer-
tain by personal observation how they're
all behaving for themselves. But I am
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1912-02-18
T he Fable of the Man Who Was in Position
to Take Advantage Of Good Thing.
The Dancing Man and His Rating.

Tho next Caller wore q broad Som
brero. leather Leggings and a Bill
Cody Goatee-also the Hair down over
the collar. He looked as If he had
Just escaped from a Medicine Show.
After lowering the Curtains he pro-
duced from q Leather Pouch g1isten-
ing Nugget which he had found in a
lonely Gu1ch near Death Valley.
Tho careful Business Guy began to
culver like an Aspen and bought 10000
shares at 81 Share on a Personal
Guarantee that It would go to Par be-
fore September !.
Moral-It all depends on tho Bait.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1912-02-18

others who trail after him. But this ISM
an essay on after-dinner speakers, living
or deceased. It's merely little comment
on the hopeless. ineffably, tnexpungeable
dullness. thus to set it down, of the
after-d.nner chipping at the banquets
going on in New York these nights.
Particularly at the banQuets Of the state
societies that are being given hot of the
reel, at the rate Of two or three q week,
during this month. If l were to be invited
to attend. on the same night, and there
fore making it a matter of conflicting
dates, a meeting OF the Browning Society
and a dinner of one of the state societies
in New York, / am very certain that l
should permit the banquet to waddle for
the very last book on the line and rush
off to the Browning Society hilarity with
an almost deliriously happy sense of re-
lease.
What possibly could be more provoca-
tive of yawns what ina ginably could be
more absurd, than the spectacle of a
bunch of gentlemen In evening clothes
standing up in front OF their places at
the table and emitting inane vapidities
about the greatness Of their state, which
from the very nature of things Is and
must be and always has been and always
will be an infinitely greater degree OF
greatness than that possessed by any
other state that has a place on the starry
flag?
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1912-02-18

IGH'T here at the
beginning I am 60
ing on the assump-
ton that 1t IL per-
Missile for a man
to knock his own
town. I don't ex-
actly mean KNOCK
It" I should say,
pat 1t gently be-
tween the shoulder
blades while say
ing a few little
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1912-02-18

HIS Is the season
In New York for
banquets. I think II
must have been at
this season and IN
this town that Mr..
Sam Blythe CLEANED
the material for his
1--WE Have With Us
Tonight
I refer, OF course,
to the after-dinner
Speaking at these
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1912-02-18
The Dancing Man Who
Wore Out His Ratinu

- nee there was a Porch Rat,
who was also a Parlor Snake
Y and Hammock Hound. He
worked the popular Free
Lunch Routes for thirty years before
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1912-02-18

deciding to hook up and begin paying
for his own Food and Drink.
When he started fitting from Bud
to Debutante, to Ingenue, to Fawn. to
Broiler, to Kiddykadee. back in 1880 he
was famous Beau with skin-tight
Trousers. a white Puff Tie run through
Gold Ring and a Hat lined with
White Satin, the same as Child's
Coffin.
In 1890 he was parting his Hair In
the Middle, in imitation OF a good Bird
Dog, and had been promoted to the
Veteran Corps Of the iron-legged Dancing
Men and the Unsuitable Diners-Out. He
would eat on his Friends about six
Nights in each Week and repay them
every Christmas by sending =, a Card
showing a Frozen Stream in the Fore
ground and Evergreen Trees beyond.
In 1900 he was beginning to sit out
some Of the numbers. Also. when he
got into his Evening Toys his general
Contour suggested that possibly he had
just swallowed a full-sized Water
melon without slicing 1t up. But he
was still ohnny-answer-t he-bell when
It came to Dinner Parties.
In 1910 he carried little Balloon
under each Eye and walked as If he
had Gravel in his Shoes. He was still
trying to be Game, although he had a
each Pocket and would rather tackle
Bridge than the Barn Dance.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1912-02-18

~ nee there was prosperous
Manufacturer who had made
his Stake by handling an
everyday Commodity at q
small Margin of Profit
One Morning the Representative OF
1--we Concern dealing in guaranteed
Securities came in to sell him some
gilt-edged Municipal Bonds that would
net a shade under per cent.
I'll have to look into the PROPOSE
ton very carefully" said the Investor,
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1912-02-18

those Dogger1es with swinging Doors
in front and Mirrors along the side q
Blue Flame would shoot out and burn
him to a Cinder.
Also he had been warned that every
Playing Card in the whole Deck was a
Complimentary Ticket admitting one
to q Hot Griddle in the Main Parquette
of the Fiery Furnace
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1912-02-18

AS a matter of fact, what's the differ
ence what state we live in? AS . matter
OF another fact what makes any one
state greater than any other state!
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1912-02-18

The Path was becoming Lonely and
tho whispering Trees seemed tall and
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1912-02-18

Special Correspondence of The Star.
NEW YORK, February II. 1872
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1912-02-18

Mosaic Floor as he went out the Front
Way.
He is now living at Club organized
as a Home for Men who have Gone
Wrong.
when he pushes the Button the Bell.
Hops match to see who will be Stuck.
Moral-There is an Age Limit. even
for Men.
Copyright, 1912. by George Ade)
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1912-02-18

TER POUCH GLISTENING NUGGET
ELY GULCH NEAR DEATH VALLEY"
as he tilted himself back in his 1ofnted
Chair. IT must have the History Of all
previous Bond Issues under tho same
Auspices. Also the Report Of an Elk
pert as to possible Shrinkage Of AS
sets. Any investment should be pre-
coded by systematic and thorough
Investigation"
Having delivered himself Of this
Signed Editorial he dismissed the Bond
Salesman and went back to his Morn
ing Mail
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1912-02-18
The Young Fellow Who Had
No Father to Guide Him

- nee there was Boy who
had been told twice Day ever
since he could remember that
If he started to go into one Of
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1912-02-18

forbidding. He decided to whistle for
a Companion. The Dear Girls had been
logging him for three Decades and he
decided to let one Of them have her
Wish at last.
* X
He hunted up one aged "a and broke
the Glad News to her and she told him