The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1912-07-31

atling."
Wonderful invention.
twenty years ago all dishes were
washed by hand. Then a genius III
vented a machine that does the work
Of fifteen women. l am a genius |
have invented something that knock
the d~lshwasher silly"
And you propose to take rare OF
children by machinery" gasped the
lady.
You have struck it. madam. 1t can
be done. as l have successfully demon.
strated. My invention is a system OF
pipes. tubes. spankers and levers. all
worked by the same dynamo. We will
say it is morning. The children must
be washed. Very well. By turning a
switch each and every one Of them is
dumped into a trough and washed and
bathed. Turn another switch and they
are dumped out. Their clothes are
there ready to put on, and machinery
does it. Every garment is buttoned
up and hooked up. The children now
want breakfast. All they have to do
IL to hold their mouths to certain
spouts. There is warm milk, cold
milk. porridge and 90 on and so forth.
II one Of them wakes up with collie
there is the paregoric spout. II n is
aching for a spanking you turn a
switch that cuts out the others. If all
are aching, let 'er 60 as she Is. This
invention. madam. does everything but
take the children out to walk. 1t will
| save its cost every three months.
Doesn't eat anything, never talks back
and v goes on a strike. Always
ticks the children on the right spot.
and there are no splinters to fly off
and put out the cats eye"
ut must surely be a wonderful
thing" said the lady. as the major
paused for breath.
The Majors Contribution.
ut will be so pronounced. madam.
You called to get a subscription. If I
should give you $500 you would think
it liberal. I propose to give you better
than 5000. l shall at once install
one of my CONSIDERS in your orphan
asylum as a free gift"
"You are indeed a liberal man. but
"You are thinking it may not work.
madam. Have no fear Of that. It has
been tested in three different asylums,
and they are charmed with It Only
two persons needed to take care Of 200
orphans. Runs night and day. and a
musical attachment goes with 1t to
lull the red headed babies to sleep on
windy nights. I will give the order
at once. madam, and
"What is IT."
II am sorry to say that 1t is the rule
Of the company that the asylum pay
the drayage. That will be 81, but
having been an orphan myself. l will
pay in half. Can you hand me the
balance, please"
"But I hardly see," said the lady as
she opened her purse.
"Drayage. madam-drayage. The ma
chinery must be got from our factory
to your asylum. you see. That's it
thanks. The CONSIDER shall be ready al
the earliest possible moment Say
nothing to any one, please. but let 1t
come as a great and pleasant surprise
to the orphans. Is there anything
more?"
"But 1 have paid you So"
exactly. fundamentally. You have
paid one-half of the drayage, and the
fact shows what a philanthropic heart
you have got. have no doubt you
would have paid $40 had I suggested
1t. The orphans can never be grateful
enough to you. And now, madam
and now. as I wish to get to the fac
tory as soon as possible-and give ir
the order-and make the dear children
happy-and good day. madam. goot
dayv
On Second Thought.
As the major talked he stepped OF
the lady's toes and forced her back
ward, and before she was aware O.
the fact she was out in the hall ant
his door shut. She went downstairs
with a puzzled look on her face ant
carried it for two blocks. Then sh'
set her jaw and retraced her steps
She knocked on the door, but Their
was no answer. She put her a to tn
panel and listened. but not a leaf stir
red She ratified the knob and put II
several kicks. and she might hav'
pounded with her fists had not a BIO!
come out from an Office and said:
"If you are looking for the gran'
promoter, you are wasting time"
"But he was here a minute ago. 81
took 50 from me-"
"Only two? Say, you got off easy
He generally gets at least $50. No us
waiting. He took a skate out b,
the back way a minute before 20
came in"