davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1912-04-30

feoln' bad, he centrally manages to
keep putty well.
licker and gossipin wimmcn cause
about nine-tenths of the unhappiness
in this world; also in the next.
l-ate Tubbs buried his fust Wife and
put UP It tuI1bstun which read: we
snail meet above" liavin been mar
ried six times since. I.nfc will have a
lot of eNplainin' to do when he gets
there.
We never sec a picter Of a furrin'
nchieman yet that didn't look as II he
wished he wasn't.
Hank Todd has got three trained
heifers and an educated goat. Reg
lar stock company, as il We're.
Another model husband has gone
wrong in New York. having eloped
with his employer, young lady art
isl.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1912-04-30

eral and so genuine Is tho fear and
respect with which law-tampering
crooks and corrupt politicians hold tho
Judiciary that there is no system Of
court Hobbies. There arc, doubtless,
some courts which incline to the advice
Of tho ungodly. but tho lobby, "a an
adjunct to the court, is anomalous. In
every Capitol thare are great and pow
erful Hobbies, openly influencing legis-
lation TO do wrong. The lobby intin-
idates the Legislature. but 1t respects
tho judiciary. Tho incorruptibllity of
tho courts Is more than Il tradition to
which age has given currency: 1t is Il
great moral force, working for tile
ends OF righteousness ana Justice. and
the race OF politicians instinctively
feel 1t. The lobbyist who hesitates not
q moment to approach the most honest
legislator ahrinks at the thought of
throwing his arm around the judges
neck. a small minority OF judges have
been Influenced improperly. and will
be as long as tho flesh is weak. but
tho great majority of Judges have been
honorable imitators OF my Lord Cokc's
Famous declaration of Independence
when he replied TO the King OF Eng
land when the latter desired delay In
4 certain case and forclSnowlcdgs Of.
It's decision: when the case happens
L shall d,o that which shall be lit for
Judge"
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1912-04-30
The Kirmess Returns Thanks

The Kirmess Association desires to
return thanks to tlc following for
III N courteous assistance: Mn John
l.. Ratclimc Mr.. John G. corlcy The
Jefferson Hotel the Eiks' CLUB. the
Purity Ice Cream Corporation LiSgctt
* Myers. American Tobacco Company,
Federal Cigar Company, l.lrus ~ Co..
J. G. Dill * Co. l.. X. Shepherd Kempf.
Martha Washington Canfiy Company.
Mr.. Gwathmey. Allen N Smith. w T.
simoot Mann & Brown. Hammond.
itaufmann. The CoAen Company, NIL
Ter Il Rhoads. Sydnor * IIundley. MIR.
j. T.. Fourpucreau. Il. l.. Christian.
Lexington Hotcl. Wostmoreland Club,
Virginia Passenger and Power Com
pany. Cartwright e. Chilcs, D.ewry.
Hughes & Co, Mitchell e Hotchk!ss.
Merchants Cold Storage Company
Fonticello Water Company. NJ. Fowler,
Cherry smash" Mr., Pitts, of Klein &
60, j. Mitchell. r. y, Jones. Hermann
schmidt \. ~ Cosby. j, c. Hott, w. W.
Tiller. &. ID. Kenny. Randolph Box Co,
Woodward &. Son. Eclipse laundry.
Mr. Carl Boschen. J. Il. Mosby. Foster
Motor Co. Gordon Motor Co. Murphy's
HOTEL Bailey, Banks & Biddle.. phiia-
delphia: Louis, Garfnklc. Washington;
Mr.. Grsanor Neal. Mr. II. w. Baker,
Times Dispatch. Richmond virginiap;
News Leader. Evening, Journal.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1912-04-30
The American salvation Army.

To the Editor of The Times Dispatch:
Sir,-Wc are contending for a ques-
tion of vital issue to all liberty low
ing people. Not II question of our
personal character-God alone and our
selves know that-not az TO what
some one else in our organization has
done. but a constitutional test. AS To
whether the city government has the
authority. under the Constitution of
the United States and the state of
Virginia. TO grant to one religious
body the privilege OF preaching the
Gospel on the streets and taking col
lcctions OF donations for its support.
and to- another religious body (and
both bodies being Incorporated YOU
shan not preach the Gospel on the
streets of the city or solicit funds
for the support OF the same. The
Constitution Of the United States Is
very plain and specific. so that any
ordinary man ought to understand il.
First il states all men have the righ;
To worship God, according to the die
tatcs of their own heart and con-
science. and no man can be compelled
by law to support any church. And
still again no Legislative body has the
power to pass laws which shall dis
cr'minatc between religions bodies.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1912-04-30
THE VANISHED MAY DAY.

1t is strange that May Day should
have passed out of tho calendar Of our
natural fcastS. 1t was native Eng
iish express on OF the universal fcstal
gratitude at the return OF spring. The
observance OF this day is said to have
begun among the Druidic priestho God.
who offered sacrifices then as a kind
OF thank Offering for the departure
of the cold and gloom of winter, and
for the promise of new crops and re-
vived hopes. The tradition persisted
into Anglo-Saxon times, taking on the
character of celebration of Joy and
prosperity and youthful merry ma king.
over which Flora presided as n bright
divinity, worshiped with flowers and
song. The wild mirth and revelry OF
the country-folk centred around the
May-polc and the picturesque dance
of men and maids, boribboned and gar
landed into beauty. 1t was holiday
for youthful lovers, and included the
happy ceremony of drowning the
belle of the village as Queen of the
May. \ touch of poetry was added by
the presence Of the chimncy-swecps
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1912-04-30
On the Spur ofthe Moment
By Roy K. Moulton
Syiyf

whyf
Why does the bill collector always
happen on Friday?
Why does the cold snap always come
when you are out of coal2
why does the pastor always call when
your mouse is untidy?
Why do the good shows always come
when you have got no roll:
Why does your youngster- always squail
when he's on exhibition?
Why does the tomcat always yowl
just when you want to sleep?
Wny do the big feeds always come
when you're not !n condition?
Why must you always give away
the things you'd rather keep?
Why does the servant always quit
when guests you have invited?
why does the phone bell always
ring Just after you're retired?
Whqy does your dentist always look as
though he was delighted?
why do you say that you've re
signed" when all know You are
fired?
Why do your friends. when you're
alive. slam YOU as good friends
shouldn't?
why do they always somehow save
their praises till you die?
no" is II some things always come to
this world as they shouldn't?
The only answer Echo gives, and
Echo answers, Why?
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1912-04-30
From the mlchexrlllc clur,on.

1t is reported that there is a shop
inter workin' in our midst Luke
oiobins says she may be a grind
strong woman. but hell bet grind
stun ana 4 peck of carrots agin' a
dozen dunnuts that she can't lift his
blacksmith shop.
Iii Higgins is gettin' ready fer to
take the census. Iii ought to be all
fight for that Job, as he has always
demonstrated his ability to take any
thing in sight-even castor lie.
Kew. Hanks plug hat hasn't fit late
~, and he thought his head was get
TN outn shape. as It felt like bumps
was inside of his hat. He has dis
covered about st.3e in silver that had
got iouged inside the sweat band or
inc hat while the collections was be-
ing took up In IT. BY jong, II it had
been paper money, maybe he would
never have noticed 1t. The Rev. has
got higher opinion of his congrcga-
ton, also OF Deacon ilibbitts, who
taxes up the collections, since lie made
his discovery.
There Is SO many dry fellers that
Is going TO vote wet and so manv wet
ieiiers That is going to vote dry. that
~ Is quite difficult to hgger out a ma
iority either way in the comine. cleo
don in our midst
About the only difference between a
81 genuine briar pipe and "a e5-cent
imitation, is that YOU get moro cou-
pons with the former. and +, don't
take so long to save up for that solid
silver pickle boat.
When it comes to goin' M in air
ships which can't carry heavy loads.
most ieilers would rather be Wright
IMAM he President Just now.
lhere are a good many things that
need explaining, and one Of them is
"hy they always send tho purticst
Eifls around TO sell church sumner
tickets AND 10 solicit subscriptions for
benefit concerts.
It IS saids to be impossible ia get
.uthin' for nothin' but Hank purt,v.
fid 1t. He wandered into pcsthouse
ana got the smallpox once. ana IT
didn't cost him cent to get in. ei,l-
or.
1t is gettin' so that very few fell
icrs besides Southern statesmen and
telegraph operators chaw tobacker any
a lot OF feners that kick like blazes
wnen their wives ask ON Tor new
pair OF shoe strings. VIII drop a nickel
INTO horseless pianner without mo
slightest procrastination.
We never yet see a Teller tina, wore
cafinufs who didn't take a pessimIs-
Tic View Of life, or articl ovcrshocs
either for that matter.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1912-04-30

in grotcsque costumes, ana with q
clown and u band OF hddlers and
whistlers. These sooty fellows, emery
Ing from their dark chimneys. were
meant to symbolic the return Of life
and color and ga!ety after the long
and sonbrc reign OF winter.
To-day there are but few survivals
OF this outdoor ritual OF nature
loving people. In remote country
sides May festival Is sometimes held.
and the young men show their prowess
In games for the honor of choosing
their queen. But generally all OBJ
servance has dwindlcd to the pretty
custom of children's May baskets
hung. full OF spring blossoms, on the
doors of houses In the early dawn.
The passing OF many of these holidays
whercon men acknowledge the rule of
Nature and their own dependency on
her bounty Is IL cause tor regret. City
jewellers. who get their food from cold
storage and their flowers from hot
houses, have no intimate acquaintance
with the procession OF the seasons and
their various gifts. Easter. too, has
absorbed in its formal observance
much Of the spontaneous pagan senti-
ment and love OF life that buds IN
mans heart every spring. Perhaps
the music festivals held over the
country at this time may reflect some
thing OF this spirit. but in them thero
is little OF that carnival feeling In
which the whole community can share
1t is true we have electric lights and
furnaces and paved streets to make
us forget the supremacy of the in
clement elements. but our material
progress is not unaccompanied by real
losses when we forget the real signih-
canoe of the uDswinging sun and the
spreading of new and gorgeous tapes
tries on the verdant I'd enameled
mead6.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1912-04-30
According 10 INCL. Ahns..

1t only takes ono boss to win a race
out 1t takes two to win a dice game.
II yeats All how eyeglasses Will re-
iicve the monotony of a long nose
would rather ride In pay-as-vou-
enter street car then in pray as. YOU
enter oatmobilc.
y fellcr is putty apt to git back
about what he gives out in this world
tank iurdV gave Hod Renfrcw a gen
uine imitation solid silver pickle dish
nor birthday present and got il
back on his silver anniversary
~" mighty hard for fat man to
make anybody believe he is sick. and
80 as long as there Amt any use in
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1912-04-30
Voice of the PEOPLE
Gentlemen Twain.

To the Editor OF The Times Dispatch.
Hir, Shocked by the unparalleled
IItahic disaster the American people
are comforted by an object lesson to
ne recorded in the annals of history
JohA Jacob Astor, Northern mil
lionaire, with his bride. stands aside
10 allow some woman to be saved.
Major Archibald Butt representative
Of our government and Southerner,
stands side by side with Colonel Astor
ana faces and accepts death. thereby
illustrating the glorious manhood OF
race and our innate chivalry
This fact il the rainbow to the
storm Of great disaster. Let us toast
Astor and Butt *
Richmond
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1912-04-30
TITANIC INQUIRY A BLIND,

Can II be possible that the inves,!-
cation by the Senate OF the Titanic
disaster has any other meaning or
motive than the desire to get at the
causes OF the catastrophe? L. the
&total eclipse of all other congrcssiona,
ieiiyities by this spectacular court
@ithout political significance? We
4 vonder At all events. since the in
i Ercst and Indignation of the country
e llye been centred on this vital mat
ter. nothing has been heard OF the
passage OF any other Legislation.
equally Vital and necessary. Congress
has been emphatlcally marking time.
~ rledEiitc Of Importance has been
proposed; there has been nothing
doing" II may seem in more ways than
ono prov!dcn,ial 10 these sedate gen
tlemen who. safely screened behind q
thrilling tragedy. can cat OF the lotus
of innocuous desuetude without run
ming any risk OF Influencing popular
feeling BY action. Meanwhile. the
conventions draw on apacc.
l!f the Mexican Intervention scare fau-
lAd 10 distract attention from doldrums
hto which the tariff issue and the
&rust Issue ana all other real ISSUES
#sve fallen becaimcd. the same can
flat be said OF the Titanic investtga-
aoni search into l!fe-rarts has not
k.mplhd any legislation that might be
4 scd FOR planks out OF which to CON
( truct a platform for saving the
=! ,recked pocketbook of the ultimate
q 5nsumer.
\ The investigation OF the facts and
&esults OF this great wreck is very
u ecessary and praiseworthy undectak-
- Pc. 1t should be pursued with reient-
rs visor. But 1t is not needful that
HI erything else in the country stop for
&ac two or three more weeks Senator
)ath thinks his committee will need
~ complete their duties. BY that
= ne the immediate pressure of the
,ventions Will furnish legitimate ex-
|Bise for avo ding the big issues, ami
Xhc people will go 10 the polls no wiser
han before as to what is being done
2or them.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1912-04-30
DO your DUTY TODAY.

Vote to-day.
Vote for tho I'VE best men you can
PICK out.
Vote. for unless there is elected to-
aay an efficient Common Council. ooSi-
, posed OF men of breadth OF view and
ioitincss of purpose. the ncw plan Of
government for Richmond will fail.
Vote. for it's your business that
these men are going TO handle. and tho
oetter tho managers. the better tho
MANAGEMENT Of your business.
Vote for the men who wnl work for
good government not for the cut,lsnsh
politicians and demagogues.
Vote for the best men. because only
the best mon can Cooperate intelli-
gently with the Administrative Board
and such cooperation IS Indispensable
70 tho success of the now plan.
Vote 70 kick the wardheclers hat out
of the ring.
Vote for men who arc not owned b.
the city employees
Vote. no matter what you think tho
result may be-
Vote to-day for better government
for Richmond. for ousiness-like man
'agement OF the c!ty's business.
Vote for the hve hes, men.
Vote Your vote counts. II you
ion't vote you are IN the same class
with idiots, lunatics and convicts.
Vote This means YOU. The p9ilu-
clans are counting on your not voting
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1912-04-30
A GOOD ROADS REVIVAL.

Just after the summer OF 1910 1t
seemed that popular interest in tina
movement for better highways in Vir-
GINA had subsidized somewhat. but It
appears now that the !nterregnum of
inactivity meant only that good road
sentiment was scsping through in
every part OF the Old Dominion Ac-
;ivity for improved highways is in
creasing every day: the newspapers Of
tho State are filled with COED roads
news and good roads appeals: counties
that apparently were in eternal leth-
argy so far az this reform is concerned
have suddenly awakened and are com
ing 10 tho front by leaps and hound4
who ever thought. for instance. that
the good old county of Stafford would
| ever realize the fearful condition Of
her roads and In April. 1912 vote a
bond issue OF 100000 for better ones?
Nineteen counties in Virginia have
already voted bond Issues aggresat-
ms sS,sj3.ooo up to October J. 1911.
During the past fiscal year. according
TO state Highway Commissioner =. St.
Julien Wilson, the following bond is
sues have been made.
Amherst {sccond issue) .s135.o 600
fauqu!er Gone district) ...... $4,000
Ice tfour distric,s). .. $4,000
MecklenburG Uve additional
distrlctsD 100000
russell tsecond issue) ......... 80. Qo0
Smyth Zone distvicD ..... 100, 900
aazeweu 625. 600
warren Tone district ...... 10000
vase .--................ 200. 900
Augusta county is 10 vote upon n
100000 bond issue to-day, ana cir
cular letter issued by Murray Bocock.
president OF the Albcmarle coed Roads
Association, urges bond issue of about
100000 in each Of the six districts Of
.Albemarle
Nor is Richmond tagging behind. Yes
ierday began ten days campaign to
raise 100000 as this c!ty's share In
the Richmond Washington highway
link OF the great Quebec to- Mia mi
Highway. For the construction of this
particular link and for its financing a
plan mas been drawn up which is sec
ond TO none in its practicabillty.
Twenty per cent. of all money received
for this link is to be set aside for tho
maintenance of the road, feature
which should be initiated by all road
building communities. Mere construc-
ton of good roads is not enough; main
tenancc is equally necessary to a per-
feet good roads system Richmond
should subscribe the needed amount
long before the time limit set. not only
to show her prImucy in such reform,
but also to demonstrate that Richmond
knows a good proposition when she
sees 1t. The construction of the Rich-
mond to- ashinston road will he an
investment earning u hundredfold in
profit to Richmonds business and to
R!chmond's progress and davelonmo,,
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1912-04-30
sp,,rJrDGEs AND THE Louuy

- iscontent with the courts is coeval
- the first arbiter of the world
iun nature has never been so strong
8Ba 1t could substitute decision for
Hssre Tho wild fanatics and peripa-
1tic anarchists who seek to undermine
o judiciary constitute no new species
Il paranoiac; the only novel thing is
bat so many have conspired together
one time and in one country to rem.
5r Jurisprudence flaccid. The erminc
las ever been emblematic OF dignity,
&Sh and Justice. rather than of pop
Hrity Cancellation and cowardice
= tn the judges. right has been more on
throne than on the soaffold. There
I've always been men who sought to
Il credit the judges because they dared
) bo Independent and shrank not from
hol courage Of conviction.
1t is well In time like this, when
he muckrakers and the self-ldolaters
ire at work, to remember that right
AlrIessy and right Justly through the
i4trries. the judges have, as a body,
"A sied integrity and Justice. For
kJcfreys that the frebrands point
thousand good men and true can
l6d; for every Grosscup that the
itors for the magazines single
thousand courts above criticism
found. The corrupt and unjust
as that tina scavengers resur-
r boradic and scattered. but bring
stronger relief the preponder-
courts that are righteous and
erwhelming majority of judges
phold the majesty of the law
thing, at least, those who seek
the legislative brapch above
6iciary should not forget. There
esn corrupt courts. but so rem
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1912-04-30
Tic Same old sIxpcncc

The same old smile, tho same dress
suit,
The same old patent leather boot.
me same old fashion mirror and
The same old speech that gets tho
hand
The same old beau of easy grace.
Ihe same old figure, same old face,
me same old collar. same old tie.
IN. Inc same old way of getting by"
The Same old line of parlor tank
The same old gestures, same old walk
The same old Jolly. same old wit
me same old actor. same old hit:
~. ne same old idol. same old way.
Ine same old girls at matinee.
~, me same old hero. same old STYLE:
me same old bouquets all the while
,r same old curtain calls and more.
nv, me sHrne ola hand-claps as OF yore.
The same old optimistic air.
The same old habits debonair;
Inc same old friends who always go.
rho same old sign with IS. r.. O."
The same old prince we always knew
TIE same old hearty friend, j ohm Drew
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1912-04-30
VOC for the best area o.day.

Two "bush-ieaguers" OF Norton who
were tried out in Cincinnati. have re-
turned home. and the Wise County
News says that they will probably sign
up with the Nettle Patch Boomers or
the Bear Creek Tigers to play some
real baseball fifty innings to the game.
and almost as many players as there
are spectators.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1912-04-30

Has not the Legislative body OF Rich
moni enacted such law. when all
who preach the Gospel ON the street
must get permit from the Mayor to
do so and he has taken the authority
TO give IL TO some and refuse others?
Yours very truly.
AMERICAN SALVATION ARMY.
.iUJUTANT w. Il. PECkUAAI.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1912-04-30

Not men who need the office. but
men that the office needs must he
elected to the Administrative Board"
is the excellent way that the Chamber
of Commerce puts it.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1912-04-30
QUERIES &
ANSWERS.
Grammatical.

Grammatical. ,-e
Please name for me the subject and
The predicate in the first of these SEN
,ences and the principal and the subor-
Innate clause in the second: J. Did
oou ever see cloudless sky? . What
Ms decision will be is uncertain
II. D.
Subject: You. Predicate: Did sec. In
order to harmonic the analysis of the
second sentence with the rigid gram
matical rule. what" must be replaced
~ its equivalent. THAT which," so tho
sentence Will read: That which his
decision Will be Is uncertain" In
this form the principal clause
IS THAT Is uncertain" and the
subordinate. which his decision will
DC. II YOU insist on keeping tho
form OF the sentence, the best you
,an do is to say that the whole Is the
principal clause and that what his
decision Will be" is the subordinate
relative clause and is the subject or
'hc verb of the principal clause. is.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1912-04-30
Marriage License.

May II marriage license ISSUED in ono
city be used in another? a person
living In one city narrics in another;
from which should the announcement
cards be sent? SUBSCRIBER.
Yes provided both towns are In the
same State.
From the place recognized as the
brides residence.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1912-04-30

An Indiana woman got mad with
her husband and poured hot corcc in
his ears, driving him stone deaf. on
WELL she can't talk him to death now