The Kendrick gazette. [volume] (Kendrick, Idaho) 1892-1968, 1912-11-15
THE DUMB WAITER
1t Played Low Down Trick on
the Master of the House.
A HOT TIME ON A COLD NIGHT.

The Trouble Was the Direct Result of
a Thirsty Mans Craving For Drink
and His Dossed Persistence In At
tempting to Satisfy It.
One of the old time humorous writ
ers was "Sparrowgrass," and the fol-
lowing account of his adventure with
dumb waiter gives good idea Of his
amusing style:
One evening Mrs. S. had retired.
and was busy writing when 1t struck
me a glass Of ice water would be pal
atable So | took the candle and
pitcher and went down to the pump.
Our pump is in the kitchen. A coun-
try pump in the kitchen is more con-
venlent. but we'll with buckets is GER
tainly most picturesque. Unfortunate
ly our we'll water has not been sweet
since it was cleaned out
First l had to open bolted door
that lets you into the basement hail.
and then ! went to the kitchen door.
which proved to be locked. Then re-
membered that our girl always car
ried the key to bed with her and slept
with it under her pillow. Then l re-
traced my steps. .bolted the basement
door and went up into the dining room.
As is always the case. found when I
could not get any water l was thirstier
than supposed l was. Then
thought l would wake our girl up.
Then l concluded not to do 1t. Then
l thought Of the well. but l gave that
up on account Of its favor. Then
opened the closet doors. There was no
water there. Then thought of the
dumb waiter! The novelty Of the idea
made me smile took out two Of the
movable shelves. stood the pitcher on
the bottom of the dumb waiter, got in
myself with the lamp. let myself down
until supposed l was within foot
of the floor below and then let go.
We came down so suddenly that l
was shot out of the apparatus as If 1t
had been catapult. 1t broke the
pitcher. extinguished the lamp and
landed me in the middle of the kitchen
at midnight. with no fire and the air
not much above the zero point. The
truth is | had miscalculated the dis
lance of the descent Instead Of falling
one foot, | had fallen five. My first
impulse was to ascend by the way
came down.. but found that imprac'
ticable. Then tried the kitchen door
IT was locked tried to force it open
1t was made of two inch stuff and held
its own Then ! hoisted a window
and there were the rigid iron bars. II
ever felt angry at anybody it was al
myself for putting up those bars to
please Mrs. Sparrowgrass. | put then
up not to keep people in. but to keel
people out.
. | laid my cheek against the ice colo
barriers and looked at the Sky. Not {
star was visible. 1t was as black a:
ink overhead Then ! made noise.
shouted until was hoarse and ruined
our preserving kettle with the poker
That brought our dogs out in full bark
and between us we made the nigh
hideous. Then | thought | heard
voice and listened 1t was Mrs. Spar
rowgrass calling to me from the tol
of the staircase l tried to make he
hear me, but the Internal dogs united
: with howl and growl and bark. so a.
! to drown my voice. which is NATURAL.
e plaintive and tender. Besides. Their
, were two bolted doors and double deaf
e ened floors between us. How could sh
L recognize my voice, even If she Oil
hear it?
!, Mr.. Sparrowgrass called once
e twice and then got frightened Th
$ next thing | heard was a sound as
Il the roof had fallen in. by which | III
y dorstood that Mrs Sparrowgrass wa
:. Swinging the rattle! That called on
: our neighbor, already wide awake. Il
= came to the rescue with bull terrie
a Newfoundland pup, lantern and
revolver. The moment he saw me {
the window he shot at me. but FORT
l. nately just missed me. threw myse
under the kitchen table and venture
to expostulate with him. but he woul
not listen to reason. In the excit
ment | had forgotten his name, an
y that made matters worse, 1t was m
until he had reused up everybod
around, broken in the basement do
II with an ak. got into the kitchen VII
IS his cursed savage dogs and shootir
r iron and seized me by the collar TIL
he recognized me. and then he wantt
me to explain it! But what kind OF 1
explanation could | make to him?
D. told him he would have to wait UNI
le my mind was composed and then
re would let him understand the matt
W fully.