davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Newport miner. [volume] (Newport, Wash.) 1899-current, 1912-07-04
An Optimist,

The late W. Bayard Cutting. said
a member of the Century club OF New
York. was an optimist himself and a
firm believer in optimism;
Once during a disastrous strike he
rebuked my pessimism with story.
"A Mississippi farmer" be said.
was inundated by the spring floods.
and one day while his farm was under
water friend found him laughing and
joking in a barber shop
George. said the friend. the
foods hit you terrible hasn't it?
"'Oh. yes. answered the farmer the
foods hit me. there's no denying
that. Then be smiled and added
But out in my wheattield this morn
ing landed eight of the finest catfish
mississippi ever turned out We had
EN- fried for breakfast with wattieS
Friends can you heat catfish and waf-
fies to begin a cheerful optimistic day
on? y Washington Star.
The Newport miner. [volume] (Newport, Wash.) 1899-current, 1912-07-04
Not Quite.

A tancher returned from a years
trip through the east TO find that one
time neighbor of bis. man uoteo TOT
his perfect patience. had been having
a siege of bad luck Upon hearing the
news be Immediately sought out the
neighbor to condole with him.
well. John" he said after greetings
had been exchanged. II hear you lost
all of your timber through the forest
fires"
The other man nodded.
"And the say that the river cut on
your best bottom land that your hogs
all died Of 'holera, that your wife and
children have been sick and that they
have now foreclosed the mortgage on
your other place
John nodded again "Yes. it's all
true" be aid. looking about him at
what had once been his prosperous
farm. 'all true. Why. sometimes get
almost discouraged Ladies Home
Journal
The Newport miner. [volume] (Newport, Wash.) 1899-current, 1912-07-04
When Death Cools His Stino.

There is curious superstition in ia
maica that if death occurs in the
house all the water in it is poisoned at
once and must be thrown away. the
reason given being that Death cools
his sting" after destroying life In the
first water he finds. and as no one can
tell-death being invisible-what jar he
may choose it is safest to throw 1t all
away. Careful people to save trouble
even carry all water out of the house
Immediately before death is expected.
The Newport miner. [volume] (Newport, Wash.) 1899-current, 1912-07-04
The Rioht Kind of Hustler.

There is a good story concerning a
t.rtain trip of inspection when Louis
Hill and a party of officials were tax
ing q peek at the station agents some
where along the line in Minnesota. Al
a station we may call Oscarville an
agent, perhaps forewarned. was Cd
served frantically moving trucks ana
cleaning up.
."There's hustler for you.' said one
of the party.
"Humph." said Hill.
At another station the agent met
them smilingly. smoking good cigar
and clad in his best clothes He was
frankly idling. yet nothing was askew.
"Well what do you think of thatF
commented one of Hills FRIENDS.
"There's an agent who has time to
loaf"
"Humph." said Hill.
A month later the ''loafer" was pro-
noted
IF man can get the work done
without doing it himself he's the man
for me-" was the explanation OF the
railroad president metropolitan Mag
aZine.
The Newport miner. [volume] (Newport, Wash.) 1899-current, 1912-07-04
ALLEGED Thouuhts.

School children laugh as quickly at
the teachers jokes as church people
laugh at the jokes of the bishop.
The stuff used to kill a smell is usu-
ally worse than the smell
You hear lot of talk about poor lee
lures. Ever hear a really good one?
No man ever became an anarchist
until after he had been a loafer a long
time.
Castor oil is said to be the best med1-
cine there is. Curiously enough. it Is
the worst to take.
The LATEST animal we know any
thing about is the pug dog And the
pug dog is always putting around as il
it were about worked to death
Every country town man who gets
east has his picture taken with Mag
ara falls for background.
A woman is as old as she looks be-
fore breakfast.
When we look at some men who say
they were sent to save the world we
can't help laughing.-Ed Howe.
The Newport miner. [volume] (Newport, Wash.) 1899-current, 1912-07-04
Acute Sense of Hearinq.

Eyes" said the prosperous lawyer in
speaking to a friend 81 had long
wait before got any practice, but
am certainly satisfied now with my
profession and it's emoluments The ear
~ days. the waiting for clients. were
hard. though Why, do you know that
got SO after awhile that when heard
footstep on the stairs could tell
ninety times out of a hundred
whether or not the person was coming
TO my Officer"
well that is strange" replied his
friend Your sense of hearing must
have been very acute"
Not so much that" replied the law.
yer. lyon see. | made up my mind
that they were not coming to my Office,
and nlnety-nine times out of a hundred
was right"
The Newport miner. [volume] (Newport, Wash.) 1899-current, 1912-07-04
DANGEROUS Ridino

With the coming of spring. it is
said. those who own motorcars in
certain section of Massachusetts OPP
crate them with considerably less
speed. not. however. always because
of the county ordinances or out of con-
sideration FOR their fellow citizens
safety
On one occasion two motorists were
crawling up a highway where lately
friend. then riding with one of them.
knew they had formerly gone at top
speed. The friend asked why the car
was run so slowly.
why" explained the driver of the
car with perfect naivete. ''everybody's
carrying home garden tools now. and
you can't run over a man without risk
ing a puncture. "-Lippincott's Maya
zine.
The Newport miner. [volume] (Newport, Wash.) 1899-current, 1912-07-04
HUMOR OF THE DAY
Kahn's Comeback

Jullus Kahn had just been reelected
to congress by very small margin and
one OF his political supporters was re-
mlndlng him of the service he had rem
dered in the campaign.
What would you have done If it had
not been for meY' he asked.
why, would have been in the posi-
ton OF the Hoosier in the hotel" re-
pied Kahn. He and two companions
occupied one large room together. Aft
er day in the metropolis devoted prin-
c1pally to following fire engines in the
nope OF seeing confagration the ce-
ment sidewalks proved too much for
rect that were accustomed to plowed
ground. and he retired When his COM
panlons returned few hours later
they found the, door locked. They kick
ed on the door until they awakened
him and asked for the key.
i threw it over the transom,' he re-
piled.
When they had found it and un-
locked the door one of them asked:
What would you have done if there
had been a fire.?
why, wouldn't have wentv -
Saturday Evening Post.
The Newport miner. [volume] (Newport, Wash.) 1899-current, 1912-07-04
Curran's Wit.


Lundy Foot. the tObatrOnist. applied
to John Curran tor nrrtn when ne
first established ms carriage My
dear Curran. SAID ne give me one
OF serious cast because | am afra III
the people will laugh at thr idea OF a
tobacconiSt setting MP Il carriage. and
for the scholarship sake 1T II pe IN
Latin" Il have Just hit Oh It. said
Curran. lit is only two words and
1T will at once explain your profession.
your elevation and your contempt for
their ridicule 1t has the further ad
vantage of being in two languages
Latin or English, Just as the reader
chooses. Put up Quid rides upon
your carriage AS English the words
speak for themselves. and "Quld" for
the tobacco dealer is pat and clever
Read as Latin the two words put this
Interrogation. why do you IaughT-
Boston Post
The Newport miner. [volume] (Newport, Wash.) 1899-current, 1912-07-04
Battle Scared Humor.

"There is a lot of humor, real humor,
to be found on battlefelds.'' said Cen
eral Nelson A. Miles at a dinner one
evening 81 remember the case of
retreat which was really rout. In
this retreat the commanding general
as he galloped along like the wind
turned to an aid who was urging his
horse to the limit and asked:
"'Who are our rear guardY
1.-THE aid without the slightest hest
tation replied:
"'Those who have the worst horses,
SIR Popular Magazine.
The Newport miner. [volume] (Newport, Wash.) 1899-current, 1912-07-04
Curious to Learn.

In Georgia they tell of prisoner
who had been convicted a dozen times
of stealing. who, when placed at the
bar for his latest offense. displayed a
singular curiosity.
"Your honor" said. he, II should like
to have my case postponed for week.
MY lawyer is sick"
But" said the magistrate. you
were caught with your hand in this
gentleman's pocket What can your
counsel say in your defense?"
EXACTLY so. your honor; that is what
| am curious to know."-Green Bag.
The Newport miner. [volume] (Newport, Wash.) 1899-current, 1912-07-04
A Clerical Error.

"And how is your mother?' inquired
the parson, who was making a paro-
chial call at the home of one of his
wealthy parishioners
'.She is In her room upstairs. She Is
very ILL.," replied his hostess.
"You don't say SOL" exclaimed the
clergyman, whose tact was not always
reliable. "Well. sincerely hope that
she will soon be down and out.
Judge.
The Newport miner. [volume] (Newport, Wash.) 1899-current, 1912-07-04
She Paid on the Investment.

Here complained the aggrieved
father. - have spent nearly $4,000 on
that girls education. and now she goes
and marries a $500 year clerk
We'll" said the friend of the fam
lily. isn't that all of Is per cent on
your investment? What more do you
Want?"
The Newport miner. [volume] (Newport, Wash.) 1899-current, 1912-07-04
Progress.

Progress.
$50 your son is going to high
school?"
Yes"
How far has ae got ?"
ITO the point at which seem to be
an 1ntellectuak two spot. Chicago
Record Herald
The Newport miner. [volume] (Newport, Wash.) 1899-current, 1912-07-04
His Occasional Wish.

why don't you ever want to go to
wedding?" snapped Mrs. Enpeck. 81
don't believe you've been to a we'd
ding since you attended your own"
mo" mildly responded Mr.. Enpeck,
II haven't And" he added softly to
himself. II sometimes wish hadn't
attended that one Exchange.
The Newport miner. [volume] (Newport, Wash.) 1899-current, 1912-07-04
Hollow. All Riuht.

Griggs7- What odd expressions these
noveists use! For instance. in this
book you loaned me the author tells
OF the heroine spea king lin a hollow
voice" Briggs Well. that's all right
in her case You see. she had tried her
voice on the stage and there was moth
ing in it-London Sketch.
The Newport miner. [volume] (Newport, Wash.) 1899-current, 1912-07-04
Stingy.

Mother-Did you have good time
at the party? Willie-Naw said 40
when they asked me to have some
more ice cream. and the stingy things
never asked me again philadelphia
Record
The Newport miner. [volume] (Newport, Wash.) 1899-current, 1912-07-04
ahor of Love.

seWhat's the matter. my DEAR? "On.
I'm trying to tell that Gotrox person
how perfectly beautiful we think her
horrid old wedding present is."-Life
The Newport miner. [volume] (Newport, Wash.) 1899-current, 1912-07-04
Welcome Trouble.

Miss hewitt May's.tn trouble. She's
had proposals from two men and can't
choose between them. Miss Passav-
Heavens. And does she call that from
blei
The Newport miner. [volume] (Newport, Wash.) 1899-current, 1912-07-04
Painful Operation.

ST have got to perform a very dls-
tasteful operation this morning. re-
marked the eminent surgeon. What
is thatY Zone of my rich patents
wants me to cut little something OH
his ill."-Washington Herald.
The Newport miner. [volume] (Newport, Wash.) 1899-current, 1912-07-04

The Count twho has had a little tifr
with his fancee. the heiress,- But. nv
treasure The Heiress- Your treasureY
Your investment. yen mean.
The Newport miner. [volume] (Newport, Wash.) 1899-current, 1912-07-04
ALWAYS on the Job.

"No. Mr. Rogerson. | cannot be your
wife,
Quickly recovering himself, We'll.
that ends it. May | ask you. Miss
LOdemia. If you are carrying all the
life insurance you want?" -Chicago
Tribune
The Newport miner. [volume] (Newport, Wash.) 1899-current, 1912-07-04
Got Them All.

The doctor told him he needed car
bohydrates. proteids and above all.
something heterogeneous The doctor
mentioned long list of foods for him
to eat. He staggered out and wabbled
to a restaurant.
How about beefSteak| he asked
the waiter. lis that heterogeneous?
The waiter didn't know
"Are fried potatoes rich in carbohy-
drates or not?'
The waiter couldn't say.
"WeIl, TIL fix it," declared the poor
man in despair. Bring me a large
plate Of Washington Herald
The Newport miner. [volume] (Newport, Wash.) 1899-current, 1912-07-04
COURAGE

Help us with the grace OF courage
that we may be none of us cast down
when we sit lamenting over the ruins
of our own happiness Stevenson.
The Newport miner. [volume] (Newport, Wash.) 1899-current, 1912-07-04
The HEIGHT Of EoIlv

A woman is foolish to marry man
for his money. but then the man ia
twice as foolish to let her.-Detrott
Free Press.
The Newport miner. [volume] (Newport, Wash.) 1899-current, 1912-07-04
With the Accent on the r.

Scotch Sergeant drilling recruits)-
When | say Right tur-r-rn? at the
last syllable O. the wor-r-rd ''tur-r-rn"
you tur.r-rn.-Punch.
The Newport miner. [volume] (Newport, Wash.) 1899-current, 1912-07-04
Puzzled.

"Pa. was Job DOCTOR" mot that
know Of 'Then why do people
have so much to say about the pa
fonts of JobY'-Boston Transcript.
The Newport miner. [volume] (Newport, Wash.) 1899-current, 1912-07-04

An orator without Judgment ia a
horse without bride -Theophrastus
The Newport miner. [volume] (Newport, Wash.) 1899-current, 1912-07-04
The Ball and the Bird.

In the American Magazine Hugh s
Fullerton. writing an article on freak
plays in baseball. tells about d team
once managed in Chicago by Jimmy
Callahan This team WIS called the
Logan Squares The Logan Squares
played a game with famous rolored
team called the Leland Giants Fuller
ton goes on: I'm this game. which was
to decide the city pennant champion
ship. freak play occurred that helped
the Leland Giants to win. A batted
ball that was going safe over the head
of the second baseman struck an Eng
fish sparrow. killed the bird and fell
directly in front of the basenan. who
threw the runner out and saved the
game. If you doubt this Callahan will
show you the bird, which he had
mounted to keep as souvenir OF
what hard luck may do to a ball club :"
Semi-weekly herald., 1912-01-22
MARRIAGE THwARTED;
COUSINS TRY SUICIDE

PITTSBURG, Jan. 19.-Virginia
Fusco, aged 26, milliner, is dead, and
Joseph Fusco, aged 80, carpenter,
and cousin of the young woman, is
dying, the result of an attempt to
carry out suicide pact. The couple
were sweethearts and members Of re-
spected families in the east end. The
tragedy is the result Of the refusal of
the two families to countenance the
marriage Of the young people.
The shooting took place at street
corner near the young woman's home
last night as she was returning from
her place of employment. Neighbors
heard four shots and rushing out,
found Fusco and the girl lying uncon-
scious in the snow, each with two bull
let holes in the head, Fusco still hold
ing a revolver in his hand. The girl
died before she reached the hospital
and Fusco has not regained conscious
ness.
In the young woman's handbag was
found a note announcing her willing
ness to die for her lover if the fami-
lies refused to permit the marriage,
while in Fusco's pocket was found
four letters, one each to his mother,
brother and friend, and one ad-
dressed TO "The Public"
Fusco in the latter letter said he and
the girl had been in love with each
other for seven years but had been
thwarted by both families SO they had
planned to die together. The note to
the brother enjoined him II he ever
was inclined to take his own life, to
first kill Gabrielle Fusco, the girls
father, because he is the cause Of my
desperate condition"
Semi-weekly herald., 1912-01-22
PALLIUM FOR NEW ARCHBISHOP

DUBUQUE, Ia, Jan. 20.-The Most
Reverend James j. Keane, the new
Roman Catholic archbishop of Du-
buque, will be invested with the pal
lium in the cathedral here tomorrow
with all the pomp, dignity, and SOL
emnity which sixteen centuries have
contributed to the ceremony of con-
ferring final authority upon the head
of an archiepiscopal diocese. Arch
bishop John j. Keane, retired, will
confer the pallium, and the sermon
will be preached by Archbishop Ire
land of st. Paul Prelates and priests
from a number Of states will be in
attendance.
The conferring of the sacred pal
lium was instituted in the fourth CEN
tury, and to new archbishop 1t is
the insignia of power and authority
from Rome as well as allegiance to
the head of the church. The vest
ment is q band of white wooden cloth
about three inches in width almost
circular in form, while inserted in It
are six purple crosses, the whole be-
ing worn about the shoulders and fast
ened with three gold pins.
Semi-weekly herald., 1912-01-22
sNowBOuND FARMERS.


Farmers throughout southwest Kan
sas are in desperate straits for lack
of fuel Many 81 Them reside thirty
or forty miles from railroad, and in
this kind of weather and with these
snowbound roads it is impossible to
haul ccal from town. A letter re-
ceived by the Hutchinson News from
Liberal says: "You have no idea OF
tire predicament that many Of the
farmers of Seward county are in
They are burning the lumber of their
barns and sheds, and even tearing
down woodwork Of their homes to keep
the fires going. don't know how
the stock is going to pull through If
this lasts much longer"
Many of the farmers are running
short of food and provisions, not be-
cause of destitution, but because they
are unable to get to town to purchase
more in such severe weather.
Semi-weekly herald., 1912-01-22
BOBCATS, BEARS AND
MOUNTAIN SHEEP HUNGRY

PUEBLO, Jan. 20.-Ex-Mayor W.
B. Hamilton was in Pueblo yesterday
from his farm in the foothills between
Beulah and Rye. He is here on busi-
ness in the United States land office.
Mr.. Hamilton has had some strange
experience with game driven out Of
the mountains by the extreme cold and
deep snow of the past two months.
"Of all the animals that were forced
to my place by hunger" said Mr..
Hamilton, "the bobcat gave me the
most trouble. Ordinarily the bobcat
minds his own business, and would
rather hit the trail than fight, but when
he is good and hungry it's well to
keep out Of the way. This rule will
apply particularly to chickens.
"Some nights there would be al
least dozen cats whining and spit
ting around the house, and their rack
ct did not tend to induce pleasant
dreams. One night-about the cold
est we had-we were visited by q
black bear, hungry and fsrociously
Semi-weekly herald., 1912-01-22
MONKEYS FOND OF ToDDY.

CINCINNATI, o., Jan. 19.-De-
votees Of the Darwinian school at last
have found an unanswerable argument
in favor Of their views of evolution,
in the treatment and almost humane
attributes of large band of monkeys
at the Cincinnati zoo.
Sol A. Stephan, keeper of the zoo,
in discussing the satisfactory results
of an experiment by which two Rhuses
monkeys Of India have lived out Of
doors during the entire winter, said
today:
Another very human proof Of Mr..
Darwin's diagnosis Of the human race
is exemplified by the actions Of the
monkeys in greedily consuming gen.
uine Kentucky hot toddy each morn
ing after the temperature has been
playing tag with zero"
"They are very fond Of it." he add
ed, "and smack their lips and look
for more Just like 4 proverbial Ken
lucky colonel. The immediate effect
Of the toddy Is much the same on the
monkeys as It is on the human. caus-
ing some to become extremely viva
cious, others dull and sleepy, while
now and then one exhibits the pugna-
J ciousness Of . so-csllsd fighting Jag
Semi-weekly herald., 1912-01-22
FUNERAL NOTICE.

The funeral of the late Judge Henry
Hechtman will take place on Tuesday
afternoon at 2 o'clock at Red Men
hall, instead of at the Episcopal
church, as at first announced. The
change is made in order to accommo-
date the many friends of the deceased
who will desire to pay their last re-
spects to his memory. Rev. W. F.
Highly, rector of st. Marks Episcopal
church will officiate.
Late yesterday afternoon Officer
Henry Garbanati received word from
the departed's brother, State Senator
John Hechtman of Globe, Ariz., that
he will reach Durango tomorrow
night. The Masons will have charge
of the funeral, attending in body,
as well as the Elks, the Red men and
the Woodmen Of the World.
Semi-weekly herald., 1912-01-22
Duke Of Connaught
TO Snub Pres. Taft
Western Press.

Western Press.
LONDON, Jan. 20.-Bad impression
has been created in diplomatic cir
cles by the cabled announcement that
the duke Of Connaught will not call
upon President Taft during his visit
to the United States.
It is customary for members Of the
royal family when visiting foreign
countries to pay respects to the Off
cial heads Of those countries.
The duke will not even visit Wash
ington. In fact Ambassador Reid, when
he returned to the United States re-
Gently, took with him his entire house
hold staff, including his cook, and this
has recalled its significance for the
only conclusion that can be drawn
from taking such an imposing retinue
for stay of only two months is that
Reid knew that the Connaughts would
be his guests. In fact, it would seem
IN the light Of recent events that the
only reason that Reid returned to
New York is that he might entertain
his royal highness.
Semi-weekly herald., 1912-01-22
UNBORN CHILD GETS DAMAGES

OKLAHOMA CITY, Jan. ia
child unborn at the time of its faith
er's death, but later born alive, is
to be considered under the laws Of this
state as an existing person at the
time of the fathers death, and en-
titled to share in any damages re-
covered in an action brought for
wrongfully causing the death Of the
father.
Such is the holding Of the Okla
homa supreme court commission, di-
vision No. 2, in the case of Carrie
Herndon VS.. the st. Louis and San
Francisco Railway company, from
Choctaw county, reversed and remand
ed Monday in an opinion by Presiding
Judge Brewer.
The father was killed while an EN-.
ploye for the road. The widow settled
for herself, but after the birth Of thu
child. brought suit on its behalf. Tht
case was decided against her in th'
lower courts.
Semi-weekly herald., 1912-01-22
ANGRY SEA
IS CHEATED
Crew Of Schooner Res.
Cued After 30 Hours
Of Suffering
Western Press.

Western Press.
NORFOLK, N. j., Jan. 20.-After
clinging for more than thirty hours
to the masts and rigging of sunken
vessel, the four remaining members of
the crew of the three-masted schooner,
Harry Prescott, were rescued today
by the revenue cutter Itasca, which
proceeded to Wilmington, N. C. The
four men were nearly exhausted. Aft
err resting for a while on the jib boom
of the vessel late yesterday, they were
compelled to take to the rigging again
and there lashed themselves for a
night that proved to be one of great
suffering in the face of the severe
northwest wind which carried the tenn
perature far below freezing.
AT 0 o'clock Thursday night the
Prescott, bound for Wilmington, N. c.,
with n cargo of salt, struck on the
inner Diamond shoals when her mas
ter mistook the Hatteras light for the
Diamond shoals light ship, and then
came battle for life from the start
for the seven members Of the schoon-
er's crew. The cabins were soon fill
ed and the men were without food
or drink from midnight Thursday un-
til rescued.
Captain v. R. Phillsrook, master Of
the Harry Prescott, is in serious
condition as the result of the severe
sufferings encountered when he, with
his mate, S. s. Smith, and Steward G.
o. Robbins, cast themselves into the
sea with the masts Of the Prescott
in order that they might be rescued
by the life savers. They are being
cared for at the Hatteras station.
The Itasca arrived off Hatteras last
night, but it was found impossible to
reach the shipwrecked mariners until
daybreak, when volunteers from the
Itasca assisted the life savers and
reached the imperiled members of the
Prescott's crew.