The Democratic advocate. [volume] (Westminster, Md.) 1865-1972, 1912-01-05
!: AN EDITORS HUMOR
BETTER Be A FARMER THAN A
NEWSPAPER MAN.

Press. laSt year before the Upper
Iowa Editorial Association, establish
ed hig reputation ag humoriGt thus:
1T am here to say that the man
who owns eighty acres Of Iowa land
and who has brains enough to till 1t,
makes thn lOt Of country newspaper
men look Hike tine last sad remnants
OF q Dutch lunch. The farmer has
the best Of it all around. He is as
independent an the American Express
Company. He doesn't have To write
a soulful obituary over the remains
of some peak-headed bloke who carv-
ed his Wffe's ribs In with grub
stake and kept on display an exhibit
of cut plug profanity that would make
the Efforts Cf steamboat mate sound
like a meeting OF the EpwOTth
League. lie doesn't have to 90 into
raptures over the beauty Of an open
faced bride with a cast circumference
that would blow out the gas, and IT,
can say what he dunn pleases about o.
candidate for congress something no
newspaper man ever dared to do un-
less he had just lost the post-ofice.
The farmer isn't required to IT, IN
til his back teeth fall out, about the
sterling manhood OF groom with
ears like eaulifiower plant, and the
brain power Of a shoat. He doesn't
have to run piano contest for the
most beautiful young lady in thu com
munity. make everybody sore about
the winner, and then print a seventy
five cent half tone Of the beauty that
looks like tintype Of grandma at the
age OF thirteen. There III nothing in
the farmers curriculum that obliges
him to paint the local soprano as a
heaven sent songster, when in fact
she has voice that would make a
guinea hen weep He isn't called
upon It'd paint the virtues OF prOmi-
nent citizen who earned his money
by collecting notes with draw shave
and who would have an attack Of
heart failure If suddenly separated
from two bits Of real money.
THE farmer can stand On the street
corner and roar about smallpox in
town until his whiskers curl up like a
lean man with the wind collie, and If
the newspaper man runs three-line
item I'D Tine same effect hi adVertfS-
ers will land on him and make him
resemble crushed fruit salad. IL the
printer opens his head about the pres
ence OF slot machines, penny ante
and UNCONSTITUTIONAL every candidate
he supports AIT the primary election
will have about as much show Of nom
ination as one-legged man In hur-
die race. The farmer can sit on his
porch and lambast the board OF super
visors from supper to breakfast, and
IL the newspaper man jars board
off the fence in that direction his ap-
peal for the county printing will be
about a. effective az live brOil with
tObascO sauce.
THE farmer can express his opin-
ion Of the new Methodist preacher In
a firm and loud voice, on the four
corners, and If the printer ventures
I'd express the view that the preacher
ought To d. chasing currycOmb over
a milk COW instead Of filling a large
room with thin ozone and misinform-
alton, he will lose subscribers so fast
that Tx wont have the circulation Of
"a cold-storage egg. The farmer does
not have to impress chaste kiss on
the moist nose of his foreman in or
der to keep him from getting drunk
on press day, neither does he have to
get somebody to 20 on his note when
the devil carelessly feeds a pair OF
pipe tongs through the cylinder press
or the rats chew the lining OF a new
set of rollers. There il no law which
compelS him to fill four columns OF
space with clOgged think-tank and
a stickful Of brain-food.
IF the editor takes two successive
days off i'm fishing, his patrons call
him loafer and take their job work
Nd the other office. If n works until
he I'D bowed over like a fat man with
cramps people say he is too stingy to
hire extra help. If he contributes
$500 to the wv. @. IT.. u. and wears a
boiled shirt or Sunday, the banks call
i'm his notes with noise like wood
enIegged man falling on a tin roof,
and if he refuses to dig up for the
Woman's Relief Corps supper he is
branded e. miser and avoided a.
if he had the hives The farmer can
look every man in the face and tell
him to go where there Is no prem
ium on coal slack, and II the prin-
ter informs a man who tries to beat
him out of four years subscription
that he is 30 crooked that he couldn't
go to sleep in a round-house he is
liable to be reduced to the consisten-
cy of a cornstarch pudding.
I'm view OH these facts why j. The
profession OvercroWded? There are
several reasons. One Is that man is
a vain bird and is never happier than
when he is yapping in linotype slugs.
Many man would rather dispense
fourteen columns of crooked rhetoric
and reformed spelling once week
and live on ossified liver and iced tea,
than shave the warts off a calf's head
and hold pail for sucking calf,
even though he can fill up OF green
corn and side pork until he wheezes
like an accordion with the asthma.
There are others, including a fair
sPrinkling of jack-leg lawyers and
ham-strung school teachers, who
have imbibed the notion that the edi-
tors life is softer than the head Of a
two-ply sport These rush in with a
$50 outfit and wind pressure that
would blister the lining out Of steel
range and fill long felt want with
the grace and abandon OF a hare-lip-
ped hired girl at beauty show.
Nothing ever drives these startlings
out of the profession except sudden
death CHI the sheriff. Then there are
those misguided ambitious politicians
who believe that the easiest way to
clasp fat Office to your bosom is to
become the editor Of newspaper.
These usually fade away like a goat
Oh string bean diet,carrying through
life look or hopeless sorrow and
remorse that would wiring the tears
from porcelain egg.
If the newspaper man knew the
Joys and independence % thu farmers
life, he would kick himself up to q
naak until he looked like a rat-tailed