The Salt Lake tribune. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1890-current, 1912-12-22

nc "hlIc rubDerlne at tho sky
scrapers, tries TO blow out .hc cleo
trio light, which the electric trust has
made impossible BY cunningly incIos-
inS 1t in glass tube, turns on the
water In the bath tub at the hotel
ana IN trying TO turn II off turns
IN general alarm for the fire and
police departments and does q lot of
other stunts 10 prove that ne SIS the
man who put the Jay In Jayville.
While generations OF city folks
have heen laughing at Reuben Hay
seed OF the comic page and telling
one another how smart tbev are, the
regular Reuben Haysced. with n reg
phone thr-thr-three, thirthir- thirty
thr- -thr- three, party B-r-r-r-. has
been pulling n new line of stuff In
the form Of intensive agriculture that
has made smart city folks do some
Intensive husLling to raise about
seven billions OF dollars 20 buy his
CROPS,
While the phony Reuben Hayseed
has been taking in the sights OF the
city with his newly-ma friend
seed has been making two dollars
worth Of wheat grow where only one
dollars worth and n mortgage grew
before. and has been growing corn
so high that he has to use an aero
plane to pick It,
The modern farm house-not Bos-
ton--is now the center OF culture
agriculture. horticulture. Horticulture,
viuculture and animal culture. in
Guiding instructions for first aid 10 q
cow that faints when her valet puts
Maizic's cover on her, instead OF the
hand embrojdered rug bearing her
own name, Pauline.
While the smart city folks have
been ttterinc at the ignorance OF the
Reuben Havseed they know, the
GgNGDr1 W IN iS nrIio o1
under the nure food and drugs act
has been taking home study course
i'm the Tama School Of Correspon-
dence- conducted bv the agricultural
oloGies from emhryology to the doX-
ology
He has taken worn-out. broken
down sol and bv his chemical cul-
restored its circulation and put n in
as good physical condition as II Il
had heen To Hot Springs. Ark. or
Mt. Clemens, Mich.
He plows nv steam, plants. cult
Yates and gathers his crops by ma
chinerv, feeds and waters his stock BY
pressing . button (iust as thcy do on
Broadway milks his cows bv cleo
tricity and works his hens IN two
shifts bv electric light.
lie knows the Latin name Of every
bug with more than two less and
they come around and try to work
the high cost OF farming game on
him.
BY system of grating. which
all hollow, he makes one protected
tree give up three or four different
kinds Of fruit,
By the new science of Burbanklng
he. can cross a ripe tomato with a
red pepper and produce cocktail
The latest experiment In this
science is now being made in the
south, where Matah Reuben Hayseed.
Suh,, has planted fruit bearing cacti
on the borders of swamp, the idea
being that the sauriaDs which infest
the place Will bump their noses
against the cactus needles. causing
them to shed crocodile tears on the
plant and produce a new species OF
alligator pear.
Industrial and social progress on
the modern farm has been rapid The
animals all belong 20 the aristocracy,
registered in the live stock blue book.
just the same as the biped royalty and
nobility with pride OF ancestry and all
that stun, YOU know. Even the cab
baGes and lettuces Of intensive aSrl-
culture have swelled heads,
Although tbiepd Hayseed has
changed his methods since he has had
an entire department Of the govern
ment telling him how TO run his farm.
instead OF depending on the moon, as
formerly, he still retains some OF his
earlier traits in driving q sharp trade
and is liable TO get the better OF You
in swapping automobiles.
If the genuine Reuben Hayseod shall
ever decide TO shave OF his whisEers
ne will destroy the only remaining
thing In the rural landscape that gives
Reuben Hayseed OF the comic page an
excuse for living,
II a man IL born with a club foot or
q hump on his back, he cant help II.
but II he wears whiskcrs, that's ms
fault