Clearwater Republican. [volume] (Orofino, Idaho) 1912-1922, 1912-06-27

er than the chance Of that wire snap
ping. I'm just trying to show you that
We haven't got down to the proper
method of guessing how and when and
where old Nemesis is going to kick US.
was in the fool mob wLyn l was at
Puoroa calculating upon the value Of
those six-foot lengths that we're grow.
ing faster than corn in spring time.
Those nigs grew five inches of hair
every day, and l was beginning to
sharpen the shears when trouble fell
upon me like the wrath Of Heaven.
"One Of those pot-bellied native
youngsters stole a flve-gallon can of
the hair grower, and six hours after
ward l had struck the champion bad
luck patch of my career. Yes. sir, I
was In 1t up to my neck. That kid
rubbed the stuff on his old mans nose
while the father was asleep; splashed
1t pretty freely over his mothers facial
rind. and decorated himself in such a.
manner that he looked like one OF
those King Charles spaniels the mo-
ment the tufts Of hair started to shoot
Nothing could keep the hair off any
part of the body touched by Zirg-
stauk's Hair Grower.
IF got that can back might have
stopped the trouble, but the youngster
traded 1t all round the place, after he
had worked off his spite against his
parents. and before nightfall there
were three hundred Puroroans grow
ing hair in places they didn't want hair
to grow, and using up all the cuss
words of the Pacific on yours truly
They came down to my hut in droves
to give personal testimony to the eff
cacy of the hair grower. and the only
way could repair the damage was to
offer to barber them free. My get-busy
days started just then. The kids
father who got the splash on the nose
came up to have 1t trimmed every
morning, because he hair grew that
fast over night 1t muffled his voice
when he started to order his breakfast
Of fried yams and cocoanuts. His wife
was in the same fla, and every day my
troubles increased. Those copper-col-
Hair Grower was the most effective
stuff in the world for getting even
with an enemy, and, instead of prod
ding foe with knife. they would
syringe him with half-pint Of the
mixture and come round next day to
grin when he was turning into the wild
man from Borneo at fast gait. l cut
hair from daylight till nightfall. and
even did bit Of rough trimming when
the moonlight was strong enough to-
let me work.
"Then l struck the climax before II
was prepared for 1t. used to sleep.
with the shears under my head, be-
cause, being the only pair on the ISL,
and. 1t was pretty valuable possess
got one morning when / woke up and,
found some one had stolen 1t while 4
slept. I guessed Puoroa would be too
warm for me without that scissors,
and knew had little hope Of getting
them. Just as l was debating about
the best way of skipping out, few Of,
my early morning customers started ia,
batter the door. so I loped out the
back way and made for the beach. I
stole canoe and pulled as hard as .
could toward the horizon, and that
evening was picked up by copral
schooner and taken on to Melbourne.
No sir, l never went back, but II you
see any abnormally hairy specimens OF
the human family on exhibition in the
Bowery it is safe betting that they hail
from Puoroa, and if you question them
they'll support my story"
| I stood up, but he put out his hand
and detained me.
81 said never marketed 1t" he muir
INJURED, "but occasionally I sell bot
tie to person whose evident respecta-
bility is proof that he is not one Of
those thieving-. Thank you, sir;
fifty cents. am delighted at meeting
you, and If ever you meet one of
those Puoroans ask them about DR..
Ulysses G. Zirgstauk."
I have the bottle of hair tonic on
my desk; l am waiting to present 1t
to the first baldheaded book agent that
invades my office.
l