davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-06-06

was not occupied by its regular pas
tor, Brother Johnson. Instead, a trav-
cling minister, collecting funds for a
church o%rphanage in Memphis, was
the speaker for the day. Miss Miner
va rarely missed a service in her own
church. She was always on hand at
the Love Feast and the Missionary
Rally and gave literally of her means
to every cause. She was sitting in
her own pew between Billy and jim
my, Mr.. and Mrs. Garner having re-
manned at home. Across the aisle from
her sat Frances Black, between her
father and mother; two pews in front
Of her we're Mr.. and Mrs. Hamilton,
with Lima on the outside next the
aisle. The good Major was there,
too; 1t was the only place he could
depend upon for seeing Miss Minerva.
The preacher, after an earnest and
eloquent discourse from the text, "He
will remember the f~atherless,' closed
the big Bible with a bang calculated
to wake up any who might be sleep
ing. He came down from the pulpit
and stood close to his hearers as he
made his last pathetic appeal.
my W heart" said he, goes out
to every orphan child, for in the yell
low fever epidemic of '7S, when but
two years old, l lost both father and
mother. If there are any little orphan
children here today, l should be glad
If they would come up to the front
and shake hands with me-"
Now Miss Minerva always faithful
ly responded to every proposal made
by a preacher; 1t was a part of her
religious conviction. At revivals she
was eve a shining, IL solemn and aus
tere. light. When a minister called
for all those who wanted to 60 to
Heaven to rise, she was always the
first n on her feet. II he asked
to g the raised hands Of those who
were members Of the church at the
tender age Of ten years, Miss Miner
vas thin, long arm gave a prompt re-
Spouse. Once when a celebrated
evangelist was holding a big pro
tracted meeting under canvas in the
town and had asked those who had
read the book of Hezekiah in the
Bible to stand up, Miss Minerva on
one side Of the big tent and her de-
voted lover OF the other side we're
among the few who had risen to their
feet. She had read the good book
from cover to cover, from Genesis to
Revelation over and rel 80 she
thought she had read Hezekiah a
score of times.
So now, when the preacher called
for little orphans to come forward.
she leaned down and whispered to
her nephew. go up to the front, viii
liam, and shake hands with the nice
kind preacher"
VIVA ferT he asked. II don't want
to go up there; ev'ybody hereIl look
right at me-"
Are there no little orphans here7'
the minister was saying. Il want to
shake the hand of any little child
who has had the misfortune to lose its
parents"
go on, William" commanded his
aunt. go shake hands with the
preacher"
The little boy again demurred but.
Miss Minerva insisting. he ~obedientry
sliDped by her and BIZ his chum
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-06-06

table Compound. My husband said it
would restore my health and 1t has"
Mrs. MAY WYATT, Ashland, KY.
There are probably hundreds Of thou
sands Of women in the United States
who have been benefittedby this famous
old remedy, which was produced from
roots and herbs over thirty years ago by
a woman to relieve woman's suffering.
Read What Woman sayss
Camden, N. J.-t1 had female trou-
Bile and a serious displacement and was
tired and discouraged and unabletodom my
work. My doctors told me l never could
be cured without an operation, but
thanks to Lydia E. Pinkham's Vegetable
Compound ! am cured Of that affection
and have recommended it to more than
oneof my friends with the best results. !
Mrs. ELLA JoHNsToN, 324 Vine st.
II you want special advice write t.
Lydia Z. Plnkham Medicine Co. (couii-
dential) Lynn, Mass. Your letter will
be opened, read and answered " s
woman and held In strict confidence
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-06-06
Proof of ~Precaution.

Mr.. Lansbury's concern, as ex,
pressed in the house, over the mill
tary drilling going on in the north of
Ireland reminds one of a story of how
Ireland was occasionally taught to
shoot in the past. The war Office once
sent a famous officer over to inspect
the militia regiments, and the officer,
after inspecting, asked for a few
words with the drill sergeant.
These men Of yours" he said,
could not hit a target as big as the
Tower of London. You can't have
taken much pains to teach them"
"Tache thin to shoot" gasped the
sergeant. "Of course l did not tache
thin to shoot, yer honor; for, bedad,
if l did there wouldn't be a landlord
left in Munster London Chronicle.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-06-06
CHAPTER xl.
Now Riddle Mo This.

The children were sitting in the
swing. Florence Hammer, a little
girl whose mother was spending the
day at Miss Minerva's, was with
them.
Don't you-all wish Santa Claus had
his birthday right now stead o wait
ing till Christmas to hang up our
stockings% asked Frances.
Christmas isn't Santa Claus birth
day." corrected Lima. "God was born
on Christmas and that's the reason
we hang up our stockings"
Eyes; it's old Santa's birthday,
too,' argued Jimmy, "'cause it's in
the Bible and Miss Cecilia 'splained
it to me and she bout the dandiest
'splainer they is."
(Which you'all like the best: God or
Doctor Sanford or Santa Claus"
asked Florence.
Il like God mother sight better'n I
do anybody" declared Jimmy. cause
He so forgivingsome. He's bout the
forgivingest person they is. Santa
Claus can't let you go to Heaven nor
Doctor Sanford neither, nor our papas
and mamas nor Miss Minerva. Now
wouldn't we be In q pretty fix If we
had to pend on Doctor Sanford or
Santa Claus to forgive you every time
you run off or fall down and bust your
breeches. Nav; gimme God ev'y
time"
Il like Santa Claus the best" de-
ciared Frances, cause he isn't f'r-
ever getting In your way, and hasn't
any castor oil like Doctor Sanford,
and you don't f'rever have to be tell
ing him you're sorry you did what you
did. and he hasn't all time got one
eye on you either. like God, and got
to follow you round. And Santa Claus
don't all tims say. 'Shet your eyes
and open your mouth like Doctor
Sanford, and poke ovx your tongue "
Il like Doctor Sanford the BEST"
said Florence. ''caEsa he's my uncle.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-06-06
CHAPTER XIII.
Job and Polite Rumpus,

L1 g.. 4. .-.
II never have told a downright
falsehood," said Lima. Mother taught
me how wicked 1t is to tell stories.
Did you ever tell a fib to your mother,
F~rances?"
"'Tain't no use to try to 'ceive my
mama" was the reply Of the other
little girl; She's got such gimlet eyes
and carr she can tell with 'em shut
if you're fibbing. I gave up hope
long ago. SO l just go long and tell
her the plain gospel truth when she
asks me, cause l know those gimlet
eyes and airs Of hers re going to
worm 1t out O. me somehow"
Grown folks pin you down so close
sometimes" said Jimmy, you bound
to 'varicate a little; and l always tell
God I'm sorry. / tell my mama the
truth most all time 'cepting when
she asks questions bout things amt
none Of her business a. tall, and she
all time want to know Who done 1t 2
and il I let on it's me, l know she'll
wear out all the slippers and hair
brushes they Is padding my canoe,
sides switches, SO I JUS say I do
know, 'm'-which all time amt per
zactly the truth. You eve tell Miss
Minerva stories, Billy?'
Aunt Cindy always says, twa'nt
no harm t all to beat bout the bush
an try to th'ow folks offer the track
long as you can, but II 1t come to
the point where you got to tell a out
an'-out fib, she a for me always to
tell the truth. an I Jest nachelly do
like she say ever sence rs born" re-
piled Billy.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-06-06

r Want no chim1y 20 T. Give n
upf Give II up?- the little girl
laughed gieefully. We'll, he Just broke
out with measles"
1T is Billy's time" said Lima, who
seemed to be mistress of ceremonies.
"Tabernicle learnt this here one at
school; e II y'all al guess It: Tab
by had four kittens but Stillshee did.
MT have none I ALL"
Il don't see no sense a tall in that"
argued Jimmy. "'thout some bad little
boys drowned EN-"
"Tabby was a cat" explained the
other boy. "and she had four kittens;
and Stillshee was a little girl, and she
didn't have no kittens I all"
whats this" asked Jimmy: "a
man rode cross a bridge and Eide
walked?' Had a little dog name Fl
do"
you didn't ask that right. Jimmy
said Lima, you always get things
wrong. The riddle is, "A man rode
across the bridge and Yet he walked,
and the answer is, He had a little dog
named Yet who walked across the
bridge"
We'll, I'd mother sight ruther have
a little dog name Fido," declared Jim
my. Il little dog name Yet and
little girl name Stillshee amt got nc
sense a tall to It."
Why should q hangman wear eus
penders" asked Lima. "IIl bet no
body can answer that"
ITO keep his breeches from falling
off" triumphantly answered Frances
mo, you goose, a hangman should
wear ~suspenders so that he'd always
have a gallows handy"
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-06-06
GIRLS DEA OF BUSINESS

creased to So: while by the third year
she would receive the magnificent
sum Of $40. Mechanically, she agreed
to let him know, and went out. APP
parently she had made q good I'M
preston. for when a couple Of days
had gone by she received q note ask
Ing whether she wanted the position
or not. She sat down and wrote;
Dear Sir: OF course | intended to
accept the position. | am simply
waiting for the two years to pass. 70
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-06-06

A certain young woman, although
she is a trained stenographer, type
writer and bookkeeper, had very bad
luck last fall in trying to obtain a po-
sition at even a fair salary. Though
there was no Joke In the continued
disappointments, she found a funny
side to one experience. The manager
Of a place whose advertisement she
answered told her that the salary paid
at first would be So q week; that BY
tna end Of q year Il would DO IN
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-06-06
CUTICURA OINTMENT HEALED
BAD SORE ON LIMB

Some time ago l was coming up
some steps when the board crushed
under me like an egg shell, and my
right limb went through to the knee,
and scraped the flesh off the bone
just inside and below the knee. I
neglected it for a day or two, then it
began to hurt me pretty badly. I'put
balsam fir on to draw out the poison,
but when ! had used it a week, 1t hurt
so badly that ! changed to - ONT
ment. That made it smart and burn
SO badly that l couldn't use it any
more, and that was the fourth week
after l was hurt.
Then | began to S Cuticura ONT
ment for the sore, 1t stopped hurting
Immediately and began healing right
away. 1t was a ~bad-looking sore be-
fore Cuticura Ointment healed it, and
/ suffered so I couldn't sleep from two
days after I fell until l began using
Cuticura Ointment.
'"Cuticura Soap is the best soap I
ever saw. I have used all kinds Of
soap for washing my face, and always
it would leave my face smarting. I
had to keep a lotion to stop the smart,
40 matter how expensive a soar I
used. l find at last in Cuticura Soap
a soap that will clean my face and
leave no smarting, and / do not have
to use any lotion or anything else to
ease it. l believe Cuticura Soap is the
best soap made" (Signed) Mrs. NJ.
E. Fairchild, 805 Lafayette St., Wich-
ita, Kan. May 8, 1911. Although
Cuticura Soap and Ointment are sold
by druggists and dealers everywhere
a sample Of each, with 32-page book.
will be mailed free on application to
"Cuticura," Dept, L. Boston.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-06-06
MISS MINERVA -
~ and SEA
MWILLIAM GREEN IlIL
RyFRANOS BOYD CALHOUN
FRANCES BOYD CALHOUN
nvrfght. hY RaillY n Rritton ca

n God and Santa Claus amt kin
to me-"
"And the Bible says, Love your
kn-folks,' Miss Cecilia 'splained-"
II use to like my Uncle Doc heap
better'n what l do now" went on the
little girl, needless Of Jimmy's inter-
ruption, till / went with daddy to his
office one day. And what you reckon
that mans got in his Office? He is
got a dead man 'thout no meat nor
clo'es on, nothing a tall but just his
bones"
WAS he a hant?" asked Billy. II
like the Major best-he's got meat
! on"
Nav; he didn't have no sheet on
Just bones." was the reply.
mo sheet on; no meat on!" CHR
ruped Billy, glad Of the rhyme.
WAS he a angel, Florence?" ques-
toned Frances.
Nav; he didn't have no harp and
no wings neither"
1T must have been a skeleton"
explained Lima.
"And Uncle Doc just keep that
poor mar there and won't let him go
to Heaven where dead folks b'longs."
81 spec he wasn't a good man fore
he died and got to go to the Bad
place." suggested Frances.
Tll betcher he never asked God
to forgive him when he 'ceived his
papa and sassed his mama,"-this
from Jimmy,-"and Doctor Sanford's
Just a-keeping old Satan from getting
him to toast on a pitchfork."
II hope they'll have a Christmas
tree at Sunday-School next Christ
mas" said Frances, barking back.
land I hope I'll get a heap O. things
like l did last Christmas. Poor little
Tommy Knott he's so skeered he
wasn't going to get nothing at all on
the tree SO he got him a great, big,
red apple an he wrote on a piece O.
paper From Tommy Knott to Tommy
Knott and tied 1t to the apple and
put 1t on the tree for hi'self."
/ Lets ask riddles" suggested Lima.
"All right" shouted Frances, I'm
going to ask the first"
Nav; you amt neither" objected
Jimmy. you all time got to ask the
first riddle. I'm going to ask the first
one N
Ground al a biscuit, busy as a bee,
Prettiest little thing you ever did
seer "A watch
'Humpty Dumpty set on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
All the kings horses and all the
kings men.
Can't put Humpty Dumpty back
again "A egg
Round as a ring, deep as a cup,
All the kings horses can't pull it
up e "a we'll
"'House full, yard full, can't ketch-'"
Hush, JIMMY" cried Lima, in dis.
gust. you don't know how to ask
riddles. You must MT give the an
swers. too. Ask one riddle at a time
and let some one else answer 1t:
Gas I was going Borough a field Of
wheat
picked up something good to eat,
Twas neither fish nor flesh nor
bone,
/ kept it till 1t ran alone?'"
"A snake! A snake!" guessed Flor
ence. That's a easy riddle"
Snake, nothing!" scoffed Jimmy,
you can't eat a snake. Sides Lima
wouldn't a picked up a snake. Is
1t a little baby rabbit, Lina?"
1T was neither fish nor flesh moi
bone" she declared; land a rabbit is
flesh and bone"
Then it's boun' to be a apple" was
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-06-06
AS TO AERIAL JOY RIDERS

probably be the next step In the adj
vance of this fascinating science, and
our news columns will glisten with
accounts of the "ayiateur" who new
too low while crossing Orange noun.
tain and was caught in the tree tops,
from which perilous situation bis
friends. the cook and the chamber.
maid. were rescued by local talent,
We shall hear also Of him who tried
to show on" by flying too low and
was caught on 8 spiked fence. and q
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-06-06

Aviation Is making astounding prog
ress in more respects than one. 1t
would be difficult to estimate the NUM-
Der Of lazy, incompetent and depend
emit dreamers who are now hard at
work for the FIRST time In their lives.
Their activities are carried on behind
closed barn doors. and their women
folk declare, with something like q
rebirth OF the old pride and hope.
that father IL inventing a flying ma
chine The aerial 10y rider" Will
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-06-06

Jimmy's next guess; that amt no
flesh and blood and it's good to eat"
IAN apple can't run alone" she
t~riumphantly answered. give 1t up?
Well. 1t was an egg and 1t Matched to
q chicken. Now. Florence. you ask
one"
"S'pose a man was locked up In a
house." she asked. how'd he get
QUIT"
Clam outer a winder." guessed
Billy.
CT want no winder to the house."
she declared.
"Crawled out th'oo the chim1y, like
Santa Claus" was Billy's next guess
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-06-06
Discretion Necessary.

1900 =
THAT speech or yours wasn't what
! should call a display Of im~passioned
eloquence."
II didn't intend that 1t should be
so.~ replied Senator Sorghum. "A
man who INDUCES in too much elo-
Quence these days Is liable to earn
the immediate and combined resent
ment Of his party associates owing to
q fear that be ID trying to get to the
front with q personal hit
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-06-06
cHAPTER-x.-contInued

That part Of the Ladies' Aid Society
which lived In West Covington was
bearing down upon them.
Wonders our mamas and Miss
Minerva" he whispered. Now look
what a mess Billy's done got US in;
he all time got to perpose somepins
to get chillens In trouble and he all
time got to let grown folks ketch
EN-"
Aren't you ashamed to tell such q
story, Jimmy Garner?" cried Frances
BILLY didn't propose any such thing
"'Tain't nc use to rum" advised
Jimmy. They're too close and done
already see us. We boun' to get what's
coming to US anyway, SO you might
JUS as well make 'em think you amt
fraid Of 'em. Grown folks got to all
time think little boys and girls r
iskeered Of EN-, anyhow"
Aunt MinervaIl sho' put me to bed
this time" said Billy. Looks like
ev'y day l gotter go to bed"
Mother will make me study the
catechism all day tomorrow" said
Lima dismally.
"Mamall lock me up in the little
closet under the stairway" said Fran
ices.
MY mamaIl gimme bout a million
Hicks and try to take all the hide of
o. me-" said Jimmy; "but we done had
Q heap Of fun"
It was some hours later. Billy's
aunt had ruthlessly clipped the turkey
feathers from his head, taking the
hair off in great patches. She had
then boiled his scalp, so the little boy
thought, in her efforts to remove the
'mucilage. Now, shorn of his locks
and of some Of his courage, the child
was sitting quietly by her side. listen,
ing to a superior moral lecture and
indulging in a compulsory heart-to
heart talk with his relative.
II don't see that 1t does you any
good, William, to put you to bed"
Il don see as 1t do neither" agreed
Billy.
II can not whip you; l am constitu.
tionally opposed to corporal punish
ment for children"
rs posed to It too" he assented
Il believe I will hire a servant, SC
that l may devote my entire time to
your training.
This prospect for the future did
not appeal to her nephew. On the
contrary it filled him with alarm.
"A husband d be another sight
handler" he declared with energy;
"he'd be a heap mo- count to you'n a
cook. Aunt Minerva. There's that
Major"
you will never make a preacher
Of yourself, William. unless you i'm
prove"
The child looked up at her with as.
constituent; this vas the first he
knew OF his being destined for the
ministry.
"a preacher what 'zorts an calls
up m%ourners?" he said,-"not on yo'
tin-type. Me an Wilkes Booth Lin
coin"
How many times have ! expressed
the wish not to have you bring that
negroes name into the conversation 7"
she impatiently interrupted.
81 don perzactly know, M" he an
swered good humoredly, "'bout fifty
ihunderd, l reckon. Anyways. Aunt
Minerva, / amt goin' to be no preach
or. When ! puts on long pants rs
goin' to be a Confedrit Vet'run an
kill bout fifty hunderd Yankees an
Iniuns, like my Major man."
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-06-06
WIFE'S HEALTH
RESTORED
Husband Declared Lydia E.
Pinkham's Vegetable
Compound Would Re.
store Her Health,
And It Did.
Ashland, KY. -Four years ago !
seemed to have everything the matter

WIN me. 1 naQ To-
maleand kidney trou-
bic and was 30 bad off
/ could hardly rest
day or night, I doc
tored with all the
best doctors in town
and took many kinds
of medicine but moth
ing did any good I'M
til | tried your won
derful remedy, Lydia
e Pinkham's Vege-
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-06-06
How 10 Treat Them.

Give q man a banquet and q wo-
man a new gown and each is happy"
remarked McBromide.
Treat 'em like a Christmas goose,
you mean corrected his friend.
Like q Christmas goose? I don't
get you
Why. stun EN- and dress 'emisx
Boston Journal.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-06-06

another who lost his head while 40
ing the grapevine twist around the
Coney Island observatory and was car
ried out to sea and drowned.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-06-06
Economy in AtchIson.

An Atchison man is SO economical
he won't go to a ball game unless he
gets a pass to a double-header.-
Atchison Globe.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-06-06
XII.

In the House Of the Lord.
1t was a beautiful Sunday morning.
The pulpit of the Methodist Church
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-06-06

Discriminating persons should know
that Garfield Tea is a uniquely efficient
remedyforli liver troubles and ~costiveness.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-06-06

Ask nothing but what is right, sub
NIT to nothing wrong Andrew Jack
son.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1912-06-06

that I can begin at $40 per, Yours
truly
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1912-05-23
MOVING THE PIANO.
Changing Its Position In a Room viii
Affect Its Tone.

Changing Its Position In a Room viii
Affect Its Tone.
1t is said that the very act of NOV
ing a piano around in room is sutfi-
cient to disturb it's tonal qualities.
When a piano has, been moved into
the position for which it is intended,
is accustomed to the temperature and
the drafts prevalent, 1t should be tuned,
experts say. Any change of tempera-
ture or movement may cause the
strings to contract or expand slightly
with the resultant loss or gain of half
a semitone. Changing the position of a
piano Is said to have almost the same
effect as constant playing, only in the
latter case the constant action of the
hammers against the strings tends to
loosen their adjustment and the instru-
ment runs out of tune.
Sea air has also detrimental effect
on pianos. Here again contraction
and expansion of the wires are the
chief causes of disturbance. Pianos
constructed for the tropics are much
more strongly built than those used In
temperate climates. Wood that is moi
liable to warp and crack is used in the
sounding boards: otherwise they have
to be brass bound and stayed to pre-
vent splltting.-New York Sun.
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1912-05-23
WATER OF THE WORLD.
What Will We Do When the Population
Outqrows the Rainfall?


Or. MCGEE, an American scientist.
who follows the form of investigation
that uses weighing scales for testi
mony-scales that cannot lie,' has
found that the average individual uses
directly or indirectly about 400 tons
of water every year. He drinks ton.
The vegetables he consumes require
about 400 tons for their growth, and
his annual meat supply of 20c pounds
uses up no less than 1000 tons Of
water
Using this figure as a basis. DR.. Nc
Gee shows that when the population
Of the United States has reached 1917
100000, which he thinks will occur
about A. d. 2210, every drop of the
annual rainfall will be required to
maintain the food supply, and no fur
Their Increase of inhabitants will be
possible.
The present inhabitants of the entire
world. estimated at about 1900 900. 900,
can be increased to 10000, 100000 If
the total annual rainfall of earth re-
mains as 1t is today-that is, thirteen
times the present population will
crowd the earth to its limit
DR.. McGee's estimates, however,
leave quite out of account the ques-
ton Of tapping the oceans. which is
at least a possibllity.-London Maya.
zine.