The Calumet news. [volume] (Calumet, Mich.) 1907-1938, 1912-11-19
THE DUMB WAITER
II Played a Low Down Trick on
the Master OF the House.
A HOT TIME ON A COLD NIGHT.
The Trouble Was the Direct Result Of
Thirsty Mans Craving For Drink
and His Dossed Persistence In At
tempting to Satisfy IT,

and His Dossed Persistence In At
tempting to Satisfy II.
One OF the old time humorous writ
/ ers was sparrow grass and the fol-
lowing account OF his adventure with
dumb waiter gives a good idea Of hi,
amusing style:
one evening Mrs :. had retired.
and was busy writing when it struck
me glass of ice water would be pal
atahle. SO | took the candle and q
pitcher and went down to the pump.
Our pump is in the Kitchen. \ COUP
try pump in the kitchen is more con-
venient, but a we'll with buckets is GER
tainly most picturesque. Unfortunate
~ our we'll water has not been sweet
since il was cleaned out
First | had TO open a bolted door
that lets YOU into the basement hall.
and then ! went 10 the kitchen door,
which proved To he locked. Then re-
membered that our girl always car
ried the key TO bed with her and slept
with IT under her pillow. Then ] re-
traced my steps. bolted the basement
door and Went up into the dining room.
As is always the case ! found when
could not get any wafer | was thirstier
than supposed was. Then J
thought | would wake our girl M,
Then | concluded not TO do IT, Then
l thought of the well. but ] gave that
up on account of its flavor. Then l
nnnnan tho aIAgnt l,Aps fIhnpa W. ~
water there. Then | thought OF the
dumb waiter! The novelty of the idea
made me smile ! took out two Of the
movable shelves, stood the pitcher on
the bottom of the dumb waiter. got In
myself with the lamp. let myself down
until l supposed ] was within foot
of the floor below and then let go.
We came down so suddenly that |
was shot out of the apparatus as II II
had been catapult 1t broke the
pitcher, extinguished the lamp and
landed me i'm the middle OF the kitchen
at midnight. with no fire aud the air
not much above the zero point. The
truth is | had miscalculated the dis
lance of the descent Instead Of falling
one foot. ! had fallen five. My first
impulse was to ascend 10y the way !
came down. but ! found that imprac-
ticable. Then l tried the kitchen door
1t was locked. tried to force it open.
II was made of two inch stuff and held
its own Then | hoisted a window,
and there were the rigid iron bars. If
ever felt angry nj anybody it was AZ
myself for putting up those bars to
please Mrs. Sparrowgrass. put them
up not TO keep people in, hut 10 keep
people out
] laid my cheek against the ice cold
barriers aud looked ut the sky. Not a
star was visible II WAS rs black IN
ink overhead. Then | made a noise. !
shouted until ! was hoarse and ruined
our preserving kettle with the poker.
That brought our dogs out in full bark,
and between us We made the night
hideous Then ! thought ! heard
voice and listened 1t was Mrs. Spar
rowgrass calling TO me from the top
of the staircase. | tried TO make her
hear me. but the internal dogs united
WIFI upNl anu SiONl anu btil n ~ On
TO drown my voice, which is naturally
plaintive and tender Besides. there
were two bolted doors and double deaf.
ened floors between us. How could she
recognize my voice, even If she did
hear it?
MIR, Sparrowgrass called once or
twice and then got frightened. The
next thing | heard was a sound as IL
the roof had fallen in, by which | un.
derstood that Mrs. Sparrowgrass was
springing the rattle. That called out
our neighbor. already wide awake. He
came TO the rescue with q bull terrier,
a Newfoundland pup. lantern and
revolver The moment he saw me at
the window he shot ut me. but fortu
nately Just missed me. threw myself
under the kitchen table and ventured
to expostulate with him, but lie would
not listen TO reason. In the excite
ment | had forgotten his name. and
that made matters worse II was not
until he had reused up everybody
around, broken in the basement door
with an AK, got into the kitchen with
his cursed savage dogs and shooting
iron and seized me by the collar that
he recognized me, and then he wanted
me to explain it! But what kind OF an
explanation could | make TO him? | |
told him he would have TO wait untii !
my mind was composed and then
would let him understand the matter
fully.
Thrift