Polk County observer. (Monmouth, Polk County, Or.) 1888-1927, 1912-01-23


The Observer by local booster who
REQUESTS that it be printed in order
that all may know their proper sta
tus:
Almost every town in Oregon is
to have good healthy knockers
club this spring and we can get one
here If we go about it right The
first requirement of a member is that
he shall not know anything at all.
No man who knows anything is eli
gible to membership. Another re-
quirement is the ability to sit in one
place for at least an hour and spit
enough tobacco juice on the floor to
completely surround yourself with a
puddle of strong black filth. Then
you must be able to find fault with
every thing on earth. If a man tells
about buying a farm, horse, COW or
bunch of sheep or goats, by all means
tell him he got stung, that horses
are cheap and going to be cheaper,
the feed will sell for more than
enough to buy good one in the
spring, sheep are going to be lower
in the spring than ever before, goats
are no good except to clear brush
land and the brush will soon play
out and leave them on his hands,
cows are subject to tuberculosis, gar
get. or blackleg, especially in this
climate. If a stranger is looking for
a location tell him all business in
town is overdone, the farm land is
played out and won't produce any
thing like it did when father used
to farm-dont tell him that father
did all the work and you were al
ways too lazy to help-he will know
that by the look of you. Be sure to
tell him that the farms are all mort
gagged for all they are worth, land
too high, prices too low. Make it
strong, so that he will not take the
trouble to look up the records and
prove you liar-he might tell you
of it-he ought to. Find fault with
the advertising done by the local
commercial organization. Impress
upon all strangers in town that the
Commercial club is made up of real
estate grafters and newcomers that
have been stung and are only bait
ing a hook to catch more suckers.
Visit all saloons regularly but don't
drink unless some one buys. Call
regularly at the posboffice, lawyer, |
1npfnp "a nj
ces and any other place where there |
is a good fire in the winter, and don't |
stay less than two hours in any one
place no matter how many people .
come in that want to talk business.
Listen carefully and then chip in and
give your opinion freely, not forget
ting TO steer the party away from the
office so that you may get a chance
10 knock without interference, there
by deriving all the pleasure possible
)ut OF it.
You must always get home to din
Ter late and try your hand on the
amily 30 keep in training. Jaw at
our wife for having dinner late on
even if you didn't split any
good.
AS you come down town after din {
Ter always stop in at the depot and
ffer the agent little advice, go to I
he express office and ask for pack I
&c even II you don't expect one, the '
gent there has nothing to do but c
sten to your knocking, don't hurry
bout going out, the agent, banker,
lerchant doctor, lawyer, court
ouse official, all make their living il
loafers. and knockers I
re their chief delight, so wherever Il
Oh can tear yourself away from 1
our neighbor's chair make all these 1
Ills and don't hurry d
II your wife insists on your get
ng a new suit of clothes every five Z
six years-eVen II YOU don't need =
women are fools anyway, take {
'ur time, visit every clothier in town Z
ok over their stocks at your leis- Z
e and tell them how much cheap I
you can get the same goods in 4.
licago. Knock every member of +
e club, make him out liar on ev-
y occasion, he knows il, and il he
sents il and takes wallop at YOU
n. he ought TO. n
lf woman passes on the street of
tn decent fitting clothing on. tell n
" hard her husband works 20 keep or
r in "folderols," II she is not well
assed, make a remark about it
ne of her folks may hear you and ~
you-that would be good thing.
These are a few of the require
nts OF good member and few
- OF conduct thrown in by way
suggestion.
Dallas has never had live Knock va
club but 10 any one wants to or Gu
iize one the rules are simple. H.
q get an old cob pipe and wear 81
in the LETT hand corner OF your
nth with a chew of some cheap
acco In the other side. let a lit -
Juice fiow slowly down your chin. =
efuliy dripping what you don't
onto the floor on your vest. This
an the rcgalia needed.
he grand hailing sign Is given as
ows; With both hands rammed
ply into your pockets. say I'M all
wiling voice. the dam taxes are
high" II you get no response
In firm tone OF voice. Too