The Harlowton news., 1912-07-12
Uncle Hiram' !
Elixir
Rx M OIlAD
By NJ NJ. QUAD
Copyright. 1912. by Associated Lit
erary Press.

4 Eentlest, incest old man to be found in
six counties. For forty-five years he
/ had lived in Scottsville. and his integ-
/ rity and uprightness were not to be
questioned. For twenty years lie had
| been a justice of the peace, aud yet he
I had never had suit before him. He
I advised and argued in his gentle way.
4 and all troubles We're settled ont of
\ court. When the villagers wanted to
I speak highly Of man they said he
was another Uncle Hiram.
! Scottsville, like every other village In
! the United States, had Its fayorite
! mudhoe. 1t was in the center of the
l town and in the center Of the street.
/ 1t had existed for thirty years. 1t
I might have figured out that the day
! would come when some victim of that
1 nudhole would rise up in his wrath
! and start revolution. but no one fig
\ ured it, The years went past and no
/ one rose. The sense of security be-
came perfect.
/ 1t was stranger named Huppy
( that brought about the grand climax
( He made washboards and peddled
I them around the country. He heard
( that Scottsville was slow town. and
/ he avoided it for years. Then came
the day when he went forth with
/ faint hope in his heart and arrived In
/ the village and in the midst of that
mudhole at the same time When
! horse and wagon were pried out it
/ was found that twenty-three wash
/ boards, valued at 80 cents each. had
1 been utterly destroyed. Mr.. Huppy
I wanted damages. He swore. He call
! ed names He threatened lawsuits.
/ He went over to Clyde and consulted
/ a lawyer 1t was the opinion Of the
| lawyer that it was not against the law
/ for town to maintain large and
! Juicy mudhole on its main street. MIR.
| Huppy could have gone to any other
town just as well. He could have re-
mained on the other side of the mud
I hole.
Mr.. Huppy swallowed the advice, but
not the insult to his washboards. He
thirsted for revenge, and he did heap
of thinking for a month. He had a
brother in the ginger ale business. and
that fact gave him his cue at last A
call was made on Uncle Hiram May
hew. Mr.. Huppy had discovered the
elixir of life. He wanted to call it aft
er Uncle Hiram, and he wanted to
make Uncle Hiram the agent for Scots
Vile.
When it came out that Uncle Hiram
had an elixir that was rolling the bur-
dens of years off his back as you roll
| bowlder downhill there was rush
/ to buy at so cents a bottle The stuff
was gone in day and new supply
sent for. In a week there were smiles
and grins on every face in the village.
There were song and laughter. Even
Mr. Simms, the dry goods man, who
was on the verge of bankruptcy, stood
at his store and swung his hat and ex-
claimed:
"Who cares for who cares? 1t isn't
as if we were only going to live to be
ninety years old!'
Balmy? Why, for three weeks the
village of Scottsville was SO soft and
gentle and peaceful and restful and
permeated with good will to man that
folks wondered if it would pay to go
to paradise for change. Then came
fourth consignment of the elixir A
few noticed that it was little strong
er than before and the directions had
also been changed. Instead OF table
spoonful three times day. it was half
tumbler four times day. the first
dose to be taken directly after break
fast and the second two hours LATER
Some held out to take third dose at
1 o'clock in the afternoon, but when
6 o'clock came the town OF Scottsvile
was in trouble-that is, it was on a
spree. 1t had lost its balminess, and its
gentleness had departed.
| There were quiet drunks for the wo-
men and screaming old sprees for the
| men. No one afterward remembered
| just when the change set in. The
| town was as peaceful as usual when
Deacon Barrows suddenly called Mr.
Graham liar He didn't specify any
particular lie, but spoke in a general
way. Mr.. Graham was feeling colty,
and he therefore BACKED the deacon's
eye. Ten minutes later fights were go
ing on everywhere. Some of the good
wives got off their reeling beds to stag
ger out in their back yards and charge
each other with borrowing fatirons
tea, coffee, sugar and nutmegs without
thought Of return. Words were spoken
and threats made that have not been
forgotten to this day.
And all that night the washboard
man moved about the village, grinning,
sneeEing and laughing and provoking
Ill will wherever he could. He reused
up drunken men to dose them over
again. He caused men to fight who
had never fought before. He opened
gates to hogs and cows, and he cum
| bered the streets with barrels and box
es. He had it all his own way for
hours.