The Lemmon herald. (Lemmon, Perkins County, S.D.) 1912-1917, 1912-12-13
the DUMB WAITER
Il Played a Low Down Trick on
the Master of the House.
AHOT TIME ON A COLD NIGHT.
The Trouble Was the Direct Result Of
. Thirsty Mans Craving For Drink
and His Dogsed Persistence In At
tempting to Satisfy Il,

and His Dossed Persistence In At
tempting to Satisfy II.
One OF the old time humorous writ
ers was ''Sparrowgrass." and the fol
lowing account u his adventure witt
dumb waiter gives good idea OF hi
amusing style:
One evening Mrs. 8. had retired
and | was busy writing when It stI.ucl
me glass of Ice water would be pal
atsble. So | took the candle and :
pitcher and went down to the pump
Our pump ia in the kitchen. \ coun
try pump in the kitchen Is more con
venient, but a we'll with buckets iS Ger
tainly most picturesque rpfortunatc
ly our well water has not been sw"e
since it was cleaned out.
First | had to open a bolted door
that lets you into the basement hall
and then ] went to the kitchen door
which proved to be locked. Then re
membered that our girl always car
He'd the key to bed with her and slept
with 1t under her pillow. Then ] re
traced my steps. boIted the basemen,
door and went up into the dining room
AS IL always the case, | found when
than | supposed was Then
thought | would wake our girl up
Then concluded not to do It, Then
I thought OF the well. but | gave THAT
up on account of its favor Then
opened the closet doors. There was no
water there. Then | thought Of the
dumb waiter. The novelty of the idea
made ME smile ! took out two of the
movable shelves. stood the pitcher on
the bottom OF the dumb waiter, got IN
myself with the lamp. let myself down
until supposed ] was within foot
of the hoor below and then let go.
We came down so suddenly that
was shot out Of the apparatus as II It
had been catapult, 1t broke the
pitcher. extinguished the lamp and
landed me In the middle Of the kitchen
at midnight. with no fire and the air
not much above the zero point The
truth Is | had miscalcuated the dis
tance OF the descent. Instead OF falling
one foot. had fallen Ave. My first
impulse was to ascend by the way |
came down. but | found that imprac-
ticable Then | tried the kitchen door
II was locked tried to force II open
1t was made of two inch stuff and held
its own. Then | hoisted q window.
and there were the rigid iron bars If
ever felt angry at anybody 1t was at
myself for putting up those bars to
please Mrs. Sparrowgrass. put them
up not to keep people in, but to keep
people out.
laid my cheek against the ice cold
barriers and looked at the sky. Not q
star was visible. 1t was as black as
ink overhead. Then | made a noise /
shouted until | was hoarse and ruined
our preserving kettle with the poker
That brought our dogs out In full bark.
and between US we made the night
hideous. Then | thought l heard a
voice and listened. 1t was Mrs. Spar
rowgrss3 calling to me from the top
of the staircase tried to make her
hear me. but the internal dogs united
with howl and gTowl and bark. SO as
to drown my voice. which is naturally
plaintive and tender Besides. there
ened floors between u.s. How could she
recognize my voice, even II she did
hear itl
Mr. Sparrowgrass called once or
twice and then got frightened The
next thing heard was a sound as n
the roof had fallen In, by which | un
derstood that Mrs. Sparrowgrass was
springing the rattle! That called out
our neighbor, already wide awat2, He
came to the rescue with bull terrier
a Newfoundland pup. lantern and a
revolver The moment he saw me at
the window he shot at me, but fortu
nately Just missed me- threw myself
under the kitchen table and ventured
to expostulate with him, but he would
not listen to reason. In the excite
ment | had forgotten his name. and
that made matters worse. 1t was not
until he had reused up everybody
around, broken In the basement door
with an ak. got into the kitchen with
his cursed savage dogs and shooting
iron and seized me by the collar that
he recognized me. and then he wanted
me to explain It! But what kind Of an
could | make to himi |
told him he would have to wait until
my mind was composed and then
would let him understand the matter
fully.