davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1912-02-21
Palfour Bluffs a Constable.

AS is well known, Mr.. Balfour is an
enthusiastic motorist, and here is the
story on an incident which happened
during one of his recent journeys.
With him was friend formerly in
the house of commons and now re-
corder of certain city. The chauf.
feur was signaled by Surrey con.
stable to stop. Mr.. Balfour was his
own chauffeur. The constable insist
ed that the speed was over the limit.
Mr.. Balfour was sure it was not.
well, look at your Indicator" "Er-
we'll, l haven't an indicator" said Mr..
Balfour sweetly, but" with emphasis,
'I've a recorder" AS the policeman
did not know what that might be and
fearing to show his own ignorance if
a prosecution should follow, he with.
drew his hand, and Mr.. Balfour and
the recorder, all smiles, continued
their drive. The constable heard them
laugh, and scratched his head in doubt,
but it was too late to do anything
London Tattler.
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1912-02-21
Vanderbilt Gets a Tip,

There are lot of stories told OF
that famous amateur whip, Alfred
Vanderbilt, who has once again taken
to himself wife. On one occasion
he had an amusing experience while
driving his coach between London
and Brighton. At one stopping place
an American approached him and hand
ed him a substantial Tip" 81 touched
my hat in customary STYLE" said Mr..
Vanderbilt afterwards, took the
money and put it in my pocket, and 1
think had the better OF him. l don't
know whether this particular Amer.
lean intended it as snub because
was coachman or because he didn't
know me; let us give him the benefit
of the doubt-either way it's good
enough" Mr.. Vanderbilt, by the way,
inherited s2OOOO,OOO from his father,
the late Cornelius Vanderbilt. He
owns over 100 prize horses and con.
siders coaching "the finest sport In
the world. Tattler.
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1912-02-21
Made Horseshoe for Royalty

A popular worthy, Robert Kidd OF
Kirkinch, Meigle, Scotland, celebrated
his golden wedding the other day. Mr.,
Kidd is blacksmith and at one time
he was in the employment of the
Dowager Duchess of Atholl. While
he was working on horseshoe one
day the Duchess accompanied by her
late Majesty Queen Victoria, entered
the smithy and watched Mr.. Kidd at
bis work. He completed the shoe
which to his qualification was carried
away by the distinguished visitors. 1t
was hung in the cathedral, where is
remained for many years till it was
taken to Perth.
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1912-02-21
TO TELL FUNNY STORY
PROPER METHOD IS REVEALED
BY THEoPHlLUS SNIFF.
Take Joke by the Hand and Lead 1t
About Until Thoroughly Acquaint-
ed, Then Assume Air of Un-
dertaker and Spring 1t.

Ever since Cain slew Abel for call
ing one of his pet jokes chestnut"
the world has been taking lessons in
the art of being funny. The desire
to be funny turks in every human
breast. There have been men who
have lived it down, and these have in
variably become great statesmen.
The Morning Telegraph has called
upon Theophilus Sniff, the great ex-
pert and scientist, who is said to
have been the first man who ever
made theater box Office man smile,
but he kept his secret well and be-
came famous. Prof. Sniff said:
"Humor is anything that is funny.
1t is in everything and in everybody.
Extracted humor is followed by laugh,
ter, for it is by striking the responsive
humor chord in the human breast
that we get our only true effects.
Therefore, no matter how good the
joke, unless it be told in manner to
strike that cord, it falls of its own
dead weight and furnishes us with one
of the saddest sights in life.
Select from any well known joke
book a story. 1t should not be too
new, as it is likely not to go so well
as an old reliable joke that has been
through several campaigns. Then cut
from it all unnecessary adjectives, de-
scriptions and apologies.
Never apologize for joke.
Take your joke by the hand, and
after having led it about until you
know all of it's family history, assume
the air of a funeral director telling
the relatives from which side Of the
casket they are to view the late Ia
mented, and then give utterance to
your jape.
"The best way is to get the point of
the story we'll in mind and then put it
away entirely until you need it. Moth
ing so intereferes with the success Of
joke as to have the point hanging
around in plain sight before the story
Is well started.
Remember above all things that the
face should be solemn, and the voice
low and well modulated, with just q
suspicion of sadness in it.
Learn to pause at the right place
and if you are in doubt at ALL the best
place to pause is just before you start
This has been known to save a
man many friends that he otherwise
might have lost."-New York Morning
Telegraph.
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1912-02-21
Her Personal Plate,

A young girl who has a great many
valuable small belongings and never
loses any of them, says that it is
solely because of her plan of marking
everything distinctly with her full
name and town and country address.
For her parasols and umbrellas she
has a set of small silver plates OF OBJ
long shape and with screw equipped
ends, which are readily detached from
a handle and put upon another one.
Her golf sticks, tennis racquets. hand
baggage and the valuable collars which
her dogs wear are marked in the
same manner and on all of her toilet
articles she has plate markings which
cannot be obliterated or easily
wrenched off.
The first cost of these plates was
not very great, although all are of
solo silver, and they were accumu-
lated so gradually that the money was
not missed from her allowance.
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1912-02-21


which know little more about the
work of seaman than about running
a locomotive, and thus remove the
cause Of many of the horrible marine
disasters of the last few years The
union attributes the terrible loss of
life in the General Slocum disaster in
New York harbor several years ago to
the inefficient crew which manned the
vessel
The loss of 10000 lives on the sea
In the last few years is the toll Of the
poorly manned vessels. This the pro
posed bill seeks to prevent, 1t re-
quires that at least rs per cent of the
deck crews of steam vessels, exclusive
of officers, shall be men who have had
at least three years experience at
sea, and that they shall also be able
to understand the English language.
Another provision repeats that sec
ton of the present law that deals with
che ancient maritime custom of i'm
prisonment for desertion, any seaman
leaving his vessel while in foreign
port being subjected to one months
confinement in jail. This law is one
of the things that has been driving
American boys from the sea.
Probably the most important item
In the bill from the seamens point of
view is the adjustment of the lad
vance" in the foreign trade, as it has
already been abolished in domestic
trade By advance" is meant the
system of paving part of the sea-
mans wages to the "crimp," the YER
nacular for a sailors boarding house
master or shipping agent, before the
voyage begins.
The advance system is considered
one of the oldest abuses to which sea-
men are subjected. The main work
of a "crimp" is to get the sailor so
Intoxicated that he does not know
what sort of a contract he is sign
ing, and this enables him to rob the
unsuspecting seamen of a large part
of their earnings.
The seamen will also have it a lit
tie better on board the vessels. 1t |
will mean better board, better sleep |
ing places and better treatment from |
the officers of the ship, At present
the seaman is compelled to live in a
place six feet long, six feet high and
only two feet wide. This is the legal |
forecas9e space, and in these
cramped, unwholesome quarters the |
men must eat, sleep and keep their |
clothing. 1t has f1ttingly been de-
scribed as being "too large for a
coffin, but too small for a grave"
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1912-02-21
TURKS QUEER DESERT ARMY
Weapons of Every Time and Age Are
Found Among These Picturesque
Soldiers.

In this city Of canvas houses, or
rather, in these groups of canvas ham
lets, are men Of every race in the
Levant There is no uniformity OF
type even among the officers, for the
Turkish Empire comprises many
| races, and in the same mess tent you
may see a Cretan captain chatting
with a lieutenant from the Bulgarian
frontier, an Albanian rendering his
| cigarette case to a Yemen Arab. But
among the rank and file of the Tur-
kish soldiery the racial types are be-
wildering in their variety, says a
Tripoli letter in the London Express.
Servians, Syrians, Greeks, Cretans,
Croatians, Roumanians, Egyptians, ISL
anders from the archipelago, Bosniaks
I with the faces of Kalmuck Tartars,
shaggy-headed Kurds, Armenians,
persians and jewellers in Mesopotamia
there is no end to the list. 1t
would need the pen that described the
horde wherewith Cyrus invaded Greece
Ca very similar horde no doubt, but
lacking modern weapons and khaki
kit) to enumerate them all.
And even then one has spoken only
of the regular Turkish soldiers. There
still remain the uncounted desert men
who have ranged themselves under
the Crescent flag to wage war for
their liberty. Daily they continue to
arrive, on horse, ass, camel and afoot,
from places five and ten and even
twenty days ride away. There are
Algiers, handful even from distant
Morocco. Fuzzy-headed Soudanese,
negroes, silver-gray with dust and
sunshine; wiry, light-eyed Bedouin
and yelled horsemen from the Libyan
Sahara pour in to help the Turks and
harass the Italians with nightly forays
through the ruined gardens.
There are not counting the rifles |
and carbines captured from the Ital- |
ians nor the regulation arms dealt |
out by the Turks, weapons of every
kind and age in the camp. I have
seen within a few hundred yards of
one another a chassepot rifle, dou-
shotgun, a two-handed
Crusaders sword "a magnificent piece
of steel over four feet long), a slen-
der, inlaid scimitar, Moorish curved
dagger and an automatic pistol.
There is no doubt that the desert
Is supplying Turkey with soldiers as
efficiently as it has provided her with
food for them to eat. A wonderful
place the desert, able to pour forth
riches.
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1912-02-21
Wonderful Curiosity,

On the banks of the Willamette
river, a short distance above Portland
Ore, stands one of the most remark
able rocks in the world. 1t is known
as the Balancing rock Rising from
broad base is small column, rough
ly round in shape. Just above this is a
huge mass of rock, bearing a tree on
the summit, the total height of rock
and column being about 100 feet. Al
though great deal larger and heav-
Ter than the pillar on which it stands,
the big rock is very accurately bal
anced. For how many centuries this
odd freak has stood not even the
wisest scientists are able to determine,
but it has evidently been there for
very long period. The entire rock is
of volcanic nature, and the most
singular thing about it is the fact that
the knob and pillar are entirely dis
jointed from one another. Wind and
weather, no doubt, are slowly wear
ing the Balancing rock away, but the
process is SO imperceptible that, fail
ing some unforeseen catastrophe, the
monument will probably endure for
many centuries.
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1912-02-21
INGENIOUS Watch,

Among the ingenious devices Of the
physician may be mentioned a watch,
constructed on the stop" principle,
whereby the number of pulse beats
per minute may be indicated. A push
button is pressed at the beginning of
the count and again at the twentieth
pulsation, when the number of beats
per minute is shown on a dial without
the necessity for calculation. Still an
other push on the button brings the
counter back to the starting point
In the ordinary method of taking the
pulse the observer is obliged to do
two things at the same time-count
the beats and keep his eye on the
second hand of his watch. With the
pulse watch only one operation is nee
essary, the counting of the pulsation
UP to 20. whAn the push-button is
pressed
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1912-02-21
Unreasonable Woman,

Although much has been said and
written on the subject, we do not yet
realize how desperately lonely a WON
an can be in thinly settled farming
community. Probably no one can ever
realize it except the woman herself
They had taken Seth Hodgkins
wife to the state insane asylum. The
day after she left him, Seth-who had
been good husband to her from the
date of her tin-wedding anniversary
to the date of her silver-wedding, and
through all the intervening anniver
saries-which there had been no par
ties to elebrate-received a visit OF
two miles away.
Seth turned from a sink piled high
with dirty dishes, to clear chair for
his guest.
Il shall have to hire more help. II
seems as if she had been gone
year" he said.
Il always supposed that Harriet en-
joyed good health" said the sym
pathizing friend.
Harriet Hodgkins' husband looked in
dazed and futile inquiry from the
sprawly pattern on the bright new oil
cloth that she had bought with the
carefully saved egg-money to the view
from the kitchen window, wide.
snowy field, some tall, funereal ever
green-trees and a patch of darkening
4; 20
road.
81 cannot understand" he said.
what allied Harriet. She has hardly
been out of this kitchen for fifteen
wars "-YOuth's Communion.
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1912-02-21
GEN. MILES is NOW PAST IL
Recently Celebrated His Birthday
and Looks Much Younger Than
He Really Is.

Lieut.. Gen. Nelson A. Miles, U. s..
army, retired, has passed his seventy.
second birthday anniversary, and he
books many years younger than that,
Mis- eyes are keen and clear, and he
steps as quick and active as any
young man. At the silver wedding
of President Roosevelt he was OF a
conspicuously soldierly appearance
dressed in white linen from his shoes
to bis collar, with the necessary &C
coutrement of military trappings.
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1912-02-21
uo,v n Turned OUT.

"I told that dub he was foolish to
be counting so many girls"
How did it turn out?"
"As you might expect. His expenses
we're so heavy that he got behind with
his board and had to marry his land
lady"
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1912-02-21
Mot at ALI Entertained.

Prisoner, are you guilty or not
guilty?"
81 can't answer that question:" re-
piled the man accused of fluffy
finance. There were SO many counts
in the indictment and its literary
style was so involved that l couldn't
stay awake"
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1912-02-21

General Miles can look back on a
hnost stirring career. having taken
active part in the Civil war, in In
dian wars and the Spanish war. He
hs native of Westminster, Mass, and
in 1861 entered the army, where he
attained the rank of major-general OF
Volunteers, and at the age of twenty.
Dive commanded an army corps. AT
the end of the Civil war he entered
khe regular army. rising by regular
grades to be major-general. succeed
ing 20 the command of the United
States army October 5, 1895.
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1912-02-21

Of labor now in
congress succeed
In securing t h e
passage of a bill
In that body. The
keynote Of the
measure, W h | C h
has the backing
of the Interna-
tional Seamen's
Union Of America,
is efficiency. II
promises to do
away with crews
tho maioritv 0f
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1912-02-21

a man who had 70 sticks of dyna-
mite in suit case has been arrested
in Pittsburgh. We have been assured
that he was not on his way to the
peace meeting.
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1912-02-21

New York woman has married a
man whom she rescued from the
slums What chance is he ever going
to have to assert himself around the
house9
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1912-02-21

There are plenty of fellows who
can DO 1t Now" if someone will just
tell them what to do and how to do
1.-THE Commercial Union.
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1912-02-21

The men in this country who begin
by knowing it all generally wind up
by asking the way home.-Atlanta
Constitution.
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1912-02-21

1t is said that Kipling received 81
a word for his poem. THE Female of
the Species" If he has had to read
the parodies of it, the price is too
small.
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1912-02-21
That Is Natural

Mrs. Townsley-So Hiram Sharp's
girl Efie has become a music teacher.
Hepzibah- Yes; We call her En-
Sharp
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1912-02-21

Our doubts are traitors and make
us lose the good we oft might win by
fearing to Acknowledgements.
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1912-02-21

Truth is beautiful-when it's about
your neighbor. When it concerns
yourself it's plain or even ugly.
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1912-02-21
NO SLAVES OF THE SEA
CONGRESS MAY SOON ALLEVIATE
ABUSE OF SEAMEN.
Declaration Made that 10000 Lives
Have Been Lost in Last Few
Years by Employment of In
competents.

American seamen are going to find
life deal more pleasant If the friends
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1912-02-21

Speaking evil of others speaks dou'
bly, evil of oneself. You can't climb
up by pulling others down.
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1912-02-21
SELECTED.

One good swift kick will often &C.
complish more than lot of kindness.
-Newspaperdom.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-03-17

N ONE months ago in these columns
 ventured among anaesthetics and o obstetrics to pay reverence at the shrine of Sir James Young Simpson, me tooth anniversary of whose birth had then just occurred. Today, seeing little gen eral attention paid to his memory, 1 come to put at least a bunch of daffodils on the new made grave of Lord Lister formerly Sir Joseph Lister, father of anti-septic surgery,'h who was born in 1927 and died at the age of S4 amid world of honor and affection, last month. Lister was therefore Simpsons junior by 16 years. The latter a Scot. product of Edinblrs university became one of Queen Victoria s physicians in 1s47, thus helping to bring kings and princes into the world at less cost Lister was English, born In Essex and in a family connected with the So- ciety of Friends. He went from quaker schools at Hichin and Tottenham to Uni yersity College. London. and to University College hospital. He took his medical de- gree in 1854, the same year in when he also became Fellow of the Royal College of Surgeons He studied in Edinburgh in 1856 and received appointments as lecturer or professor of surgery in Edinburgh, Glasgow and London and as surgeon to the queen. Before Pasteurs discoveries Lister .had recognized the peril to wounds from the taint of the least uncleanness
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-03-17
LORD LISTER-By George Eaves, D. D.

come thought, this of the ages of suffer- ing awaiting knowledge.
 Think of military hospitals in those days, with every scratch infected. One wonders that any patient survived
 This humanity of ours is scared and battle worn. it's brows furrowed with mil- leniums of pain. Not from 'scarped cliff and quarried stone does the voice of Nature speak so powerfully as from the genera tions of our forbears, quivering with anguish as they dumbly lonsed for one man with vision and understanding. But does that voice say. 'T care for noth- ing?" Is it not a fact indisputa ble that the coming of men like Simpson and Lister is really Natures answer to her own pain Is not the anguish prophetic?
 It matters in the end little or nothing what man first hit upon anaesthetics. or what man first struck the thought of sur gical cleanliness. No sooner does he dp- pear than all that preceded him seems crude, barba It is not he who dis covers. Lister is nothing without Pas teur; Pasteur, the chemist. nothing apart from Lister, the surgeon.
 So then it seems that discoveries and thoughts are less personal than they are what we may call secular, aeonic, the in- eYitable outflow of the age. It is not one man who invents, but mankind. There is a pooling of psyehical resources in every
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-03-17

roof of the first class railway coach s poor working girl. whose suffering he hoped to alleviate and then remove, just for the luxury of doing good. Many a doctor enjoys like luxury; but there is something unusually piquant in such deeds by bor- onets and peers. What needs renewed emphasis is that suffering is "a race .els- ment, just as progress is a racial move- fnent. No sufferer should be allowed to pay all tlte tax In his own person and purse He should be insured and con- soed at the general cost.
 with ethical Christianity. Works of nor cy hospitals and the rest are the least that the community can do to alleviate the pressure falling too severely on the victims who suffer disability or bear tha pain. But up othe present we are gen. erally willing to let the patient and the doctor divide the incubus between thsn1. think it is going to be proved. ,howevsr. that all disease germs are a race property, produced by the whole community. so that
 1t is time we made less of a yirtays this growing charity habit of ours st1ccurtne C the unfortunate, a,lleviating pain on fuak-
 ing social war on dlsease-even when it appears most indivldualistic.s Henca- too,
 fl seems pity that in this democracy wa have no means of compensa ting our'r.s- ters. -
The Birmingham age-herald., 1912-03-17

ened. equipped and becomes the man of the hour Above all, Christ met him in that Quaker home
 But some one will say: Surely a waste full and bungling method of progress. Surely cruel and agonizing delay
 But that depends on the final output. Suppose it should appear that God is shap- ing not only souls for heaven, blt race for earth and an earth for the race sup pose that this is His real purpose: A kingdom of wisdom and skill and knowl- edge and brotherhood. to be widespread as the earth itself. and perchanee to ex- port itself to nearby or distant planets, does not the process justify itself? We do not require the speculation. The signs of a triumphant result to all this world of problem and challenge multiply And even supposing that in no earthly lati- tude from the lands where Greedy and Peary did brave deeds to where Shackle- ton, Amundsen and Scot have recently proved equally heroic is the city that hath foundations, the effort to win 1t insures our truly winning and finding It. The long ing prophecies and guarantees the attain ing The babes dependent helplessness proves that somewhere is the consoling sufficiency of the mothers breast and hands.
 1 like to hear of Lister bringing home from distant Scotland, slung up to the