Iowa County democrat. [volume] (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1877-1938, 1912-09-12
Uncle Hiram s
Elixir
BY NJ. QUAD
Copyright. 1912. 10y Associated Lit
SrarN tress

SlN COunlleA FOE lOlll-uNe years ne
had lived IN Scottsville, and his intcg-
rity and uprIghtness were not to be
questioned. For twenty years he had
been a justice of the peace, and yet he
had never had u suit before him, He
advised and argued in his gentle way.
and all troubles were settled out or
court When the villagers wanted to
speak highly OF a man they said he
was another Uncle Hiram.
Scottsville. like every other village In
the United States, had its favorite
mudhole. Ii was In the center OF the
town and In the center OF the street.
1t had existed for thirty years 1t
might have figured out that the day
would come when some victim OF that
mudhole would rise up In his wrath
and start n revolution. but no one fig
urcd II. Tho years went past and no
one rose. The sense OF security be-
came perfect
1t was stranger named Huppy
that brought about the grand climax.
He made washhoards and peddled
them around the country, He heard
that Scottsville was a slow town. and
he avoided II FOR years Then came
the day when he went forth with a
faint hope In his heart and arrived In
the village and In the midst of that
mudhole at the same time. When
horse and wagon were pried out It
wns found that twenty-three wash
boards, valued at 30 cents each, had
been utterly destroyed. Mr., Huppy
wanted damages, He swore. He call
ed names, Ho threatened lawsuits.
He went over to Clyde and consulted
a lawyer. 1t was the opinion of the
lawyer that II was not against the law
FOR town to maintain n large and
Juicy mudholc on It's main street. Mr..
Huppy could have gone to any other
town Just M we'll He could have re-
NAMED on the other side of the mud
hole. 4
Mr., Huppy swallowed the advice, but
not the insult TO his washboards. Ho
thirsted for revenge, and he did heap
of thinking for month. He had a
brother In the ginger ale business, and
that fact gave him his cue ut last A
call was made on Uncle Hiram May
hcw. Mr.. lluppy had discovered tho
elixir OF life, lie wanted TO cali It aft
err Uncle Hiram, and he wanted to
make Uncle Hiram the agent for SCOTS
vile.
When II came out that Uncle Hiram
had an elixir TINT was rolling the bur
dens OF years Off his back M you roll
a bowlder downhlll there was rush
to buy ut 30 cents n bottle, The STUFF
was gone in II day and new supply
sent for. In week there were smiles
and grins on every face In the village.
There were song and laughter even
MIR Simms, the dry goods man. who
was on the verge OF bankruptcy, stood
at his store and swung his hat and ex-
claimed:
who cares for who caresI II isn't
as If we were only going to live to be
ninety years old"
Bnlmy2 Why. for three weeks the
village OF Scottsville was so soft ana
gentle and peaceful and restful and
permeated with good will to man that
folks wondered II 1t would pay to go
10 paradise for a change, Then came
n fourth consignment OF the elixir A
few noticed that II wns little strong
or than before and the directions had
also been changed. Instead OF u table,
spoonful three times u day. II was half
tumbler four times day, the first
dose to be taken directly after break
fast and the second two hours later.
Some held ont to take third dose at
/ o'clock In the afternoon, but when
q o'clock came the town OF Scottsville
was In trouble-that Is. ii was on
spree. IL had lost It's balminess. and Its
gentleness had departed.
There were quiet DRINKS for the wo-
men and screaming old sprees for the
men No one afterward remembered
just when the change set In. The
town was ms peaceful as usual when
Deacon Barrows suddenly called Mr..
Graham "A liar He didn't specify any
particular lie, but spoke In n general
way Mr.. Graham was feeling colty,
and he therefore BACKED the deacon's
eye. Ten minutes later fights were go.
Ing on everywhere. Some OF the good
wives got Off their reellng beds to stag
ger out In their back yards and charge
each other with borrowing hatirons,
tea. coffee. sugar and nutmegs without
thought Of return. Words We're spoken
and threats made that have not been
forgotten to this day.
And all that night the washboard
man moved about the village, grinning,
sneering and laughing and provoking
III will wherever he could He reused
up drunken men to dose them over
again He caused men TO fight who
had never fought before. He opened
gates to hogs and cows. and he cum
bcred the streets with barrels and box
es lie had It all his own way for
hours.
Next day after the scene OF desecra-
ton had been partly cleared away
there was II public meeting to see what
could be done Nothing. lawyer