davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1912-06-08
THROUGH UNIFORMITY CITY
HAS BEEN MADE BEAUTIFUL


As IL the case In q great many cities
and towns. Main street Of Poughkeep-
sic. N. Y. had gradually come to be
considered by the merchants along II
As being their own property. and
sheds. awnings. signs and stands for
the display of goods obstructed and
dishgured a large part Of Its side
walks. In addition to this. great
number of poles Of every description
had been allowed to be planted. the
resulting condition being that in many
places there was space for only sin.
gle file of pedestrians.
Fortunately the citizens some year,
ago awoke to the necessity for an I'm
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1912-06-08

Some people ind It dfmcuit to deter
mine Just what constitutes a mans in
come for the purpose Of taxation, but
. Justice Of the peace in . New Jersey
village was intent upon there being NO
mistake in his case.
He made his return to the tax as
SCISSOR in the words: "For the last two
years my income has been little un-
der 5000 year, but in the future 1t
viii be more precarious, a. the man
from whom I borrowed that money
(my father-in-law) II now dead
Brooklyn Life.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1912-06-08

There was an actor who worked for
a manager who had mania for flning
the members Of his company. For a
bad makeup, for lateness, for noise in
the wings, for hundred things. the
players were bilked from q quarter
to 81. The worst Of NIL the fines was
one Of 10 cents for failure to return
properties" for this was duty that
every one, and this actor in particular.
continually forgot.
-fn-E 6Maacfal drama ono night the
supply Of stage money ran out. and
the manager loaned our actor - or 30
In real bills to use In the next scene.
The manager said sternly to the &C.
tor the following Saturday:
by the way, Booth, you haven't re-
turned that 50 gave you in act three
Monday night"
"Never mind" said the actor. aust
fine me dime and call it square,
Philadelphia Ledger.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1912-06-08
Vanity It M..,.

In 4 woman's club, over tea and
cigarettes, 4 group Of ladies cited
many. many instances Of the foolish
vanity Of MAKES.
take tho case Of bees" one said.
because the queen be- rules tho hive.
because abe b the absolute mistress
Of millioos Of subjects, man up to .
few hundrsd yeafs ago denied her sex.
He called hAe tn kiAG -.
-Piiny wrote SOMEWHERE, The king
bee b the only male. all the rest being
femalss.' And Nosss Rusden, bseksep-
er to Charles H.. stsstly denied. In or
der to please his royal master, that the
large bee, the ruler OF the hives, BE-
longed to the gentlef sex.
Even Shakespeare couldn't bear to
think that the bee Of bees, the largest
and wisest and fairest, the hives alb
solute lord, was female. No. all the
proofs Notwithstanding, Shakespeare
called her 4 male. Don't you remem-
Der the lines
Creatures that BY rule in nature teach
Tn act Of order to . peoplsA kingdom.
They have king and oelcsrs OF ssrts.''
New Orleans Times-Democrat.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1912-06-08
A Hw bird.


There was queer prank played BY
several members Of Walnut street
club on a fellow member who a few
days ago made the rather rash an
nouncement that he never SO forgot
himself as to become intoxicated.
The friends Of "the man with the
iron WILL" as he was at once named,
determined to prove that he had made
q false boast. So he was invited to
attend banquet at fashionable no
tel. Sparkling wine flowed freely
and he very soon forgot" Then his
friends paid for room in the fourth
floor. The "man with the iron will"
was put to bed.
His friends smeared his body with
vaseline and then, that he might not
take cold. rolled him In a mass Of
feathers obtained by slitting open \
pair Of pillows. They turned on the
steam heat full force and left. In
about three hours 'the man with the
iron will" stirred uneasily. In a mo-
nent his eyes opened.
In a bewildered fashion he glanced
at his hands and saw that he was
covered with feathers. He gasped.
Then thought struck him. and he
muttered, This must be hades and
am 4 bird."-Philadelphia Times.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1912-06-08


y 60 q ~ lsteses voa DuloW -
1aGs b earssats a. follows: "Hs has
GnehaAAsd me bsysnd measure. par
t9esiaTiy h III concert Of yesterday.
WIN h. played . sp,saAA woek.
1ymphoais Espagnols.' By Lalo-
played IN % genuinely artistic . man
ner that today I am still intoxicatse
with It. His Playing Also Of The Saint
sasus coucsgt piscs for vioeaA y ~ en-
trancing ~ interesting. II b shame
that he cannot come to zee me. N. B.
II ha~s purposely avoided his person
n acquaintance. Perhaps BE- has tried
70 SEQ me. for over my door stands the
noties:
'7fsrnias.-nes to b sssa.
Aftaneens-aoe 1t honA
~But psrhaps hs did net ring the
bell (Hs nsses plays under lO0e
ffancs-hs received this sum here at .
private musicals.) For secretary be
has Otto Goldschmidt who sent me .
pass, which retur1s1 with the 70
mark that for such an important con-
cert could certainly a1ned to bay my
ticket. Six marks was In NO way too
much to pay"
Bulow did make Id acquaintance.
however, A. he refers In later letter
to Earasate coming. quite unexpected
", to q conference with johannes"
(Brahms), at which hs himse1 was
present
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1912-06-08

During one Of speaker Cannon's Bit
ter political hghts In his district In ILL.,
nois the opposition resorted to desper-
ate tactics. Among other things friends
of Uncle Joe were summarily dismiss
Cd from positions they held in the pub
lie service. Some OF his friends BE-
came alarmed at this. and one Of them
called on the speaker 1t his residence
and said. somewhat excitedly:
"Joe. Smith and Jones have Just lost
their positions in the postoMce. What
are We geing to do about it?'
Uncle Joe took another puff at his
cigar and then answered. with 4 benev-
olent smile: Nothing. II you 90 into
battle, you have got to expect to have
some dead and wounded"
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1912-06-08
A WELL THAT ENDED WELL
Hsrd Luck, However. BY Lsass prsssd.
ID the 0IeeeNecx.

Hsed Luck, However. BY Lsaps prsssd.
ID the DIseevsey.
"When 1 was 4 boy" said the story
teller, II lived in the Pennsylvania oil
country and my grandfather owned Q
big farm down there. They had never
found oil within i've or six miles of
grandfather's place. but they were
gradually edging along in his directioa,
and we all expected that sooner or
later somebody would uncover gush-
or there. That would mean q fortune
for grandfather. and AZ I was his only
heir I naturally took considerable in
terest In the matter. Well. one day q
rich oil man came along and made an
offer for grandfathsr's farm. They
had struck 4 good well near by, and
everybody had come to the conclusion
that grandfather's farm was in the
middle Of the oil belt. Our friends ad-
vised against the acceptance Of the
1rst offer. which would have bsen
twenty times a. much ~ the farm
would have been worth II no oil had
been there. but 1t was certain that II
oil were discovered on the farm We
could get 10000 and perhaps 100000
more than the price mentioned BY the
arst bidder.
.seeing that grandfather wouldn't
cell, the man leased a couple Of acres
from him and started to put down =
test well. 1t was expected that they
would have to drill about 4 thousand
feet to reach the sand In which the oil
wns located, and when they got down
that far not . sign Of oil had booa
found, SO they decided to torpedo the
thing.
'.The scheme was to put a lot Of
nitroglycerln into the well and blow
II up. That often made gushefs Of
what at FIRST seemed to be dry holes.
They brought q large quantity Of the
explosive stun to the farm and stored
It in little shed, expecting to blow
mp the well the next day. Here's where
the hard luck comes in.
ut happened that had a goat, and
this goat got into the shed where the
explosive was stored. Boyiike. I rushed
in to get the soat out. and grandfather
and a crowd Of the well drillerS saw
me. They were horror stricken. For
4 moment nobody could move or even
speak. Then grandfather offered his
farm to any one who would rescue me.
One of the drillers accepted the offer
and entered the shed. where be sue
ceeded In getting the goat BY the horns
just before he had butted into the can
Of nitroglycerin.
"He dung the goat out through the
open door Of tho shed, and then. catch
Ing me In bis arms. carried me out in
safety to grandfather. The old gentle
man insisted ON deciding me piace over
to him then and there. The next day
they attempted to torpedo the well
and then 1t was discovered that the
can which was supposed to be full Of
nitroglycerin contained nothing but
lard, and the goat died ct the shock
It had sustained when It was thrown
from the shed. Eventually the well
turned out to be = gusher. Chicago
Rscord-H Herald.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1912-06-08

MacDougal Dougal determined to
celebrate the christening of his first
born in grand shape and journeyed to
London to buy many things for the
house. and especially a fine piano.
MacDougal-Dougal decided to have
the piano sent on in advance. He
didn't want to take It up with him,
for 1t was somewhat bulky package,
20 he dispatched it brilliantly before
he left town.
When he arrived in Scotland he was
met by his trusty retainer.
"Well, did the piano arrive safely r.
he asked.
cav. weel." replied Donald. "she's
~ weel as We could expeck. She slip
.psd as she was ganging the the hooss
~ broke 4 foo Of her front teeth, but
I dinna think she's REILLY hurt"
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1912-06-08

young man." said her fathsr. II
don't want you to be too attentive 10
my daughter"
"Why-er-really," stammered the
timid young man. II had hoped 10
marry her some
Exactly, and I'd like to have you
marry her, but II you're too attsnttvs
to her you won't have money eaoagh
to do it."-Liverpool Mercury.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1912-06-08
WHEN BE CANE TO DRINK IT.

to have the cup filled with port wine.
But when he came to drink it what
was his horror to find 1t contained a
dose Of SIENNA! He could not throw 1t
away. as he had to hold the goblet
upside down to show his prosecutors
he had drained every drop Of it. Our
hero drank the medicine, but he never
horEave his medical man, rs was
proved Mt his death, for he died with
out paying his bill.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1912-06-08
Werrxina III. Golfer.

After the bungiing golf beginner
missed the ball seven times the caddy
held up his hand.
"There's man ganging across In
front Of ye," he said.
"What II he is?" retorted the novice,
very red from his exertions. ~ didn't
tell him tor
aye maun cry 'Forer II there's any.
body In the way when ye're saun, tat
hit the ba'."
THAT'S all very WE'LL" exclaimed
the novice anErily, "but how am I. to
know when I'm going to hit the b1m r
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1912-06-08
"lovina your nsishber a.
yourself" means giving him .
chance to make his living. Do
you do your trading At home, or
do you patronizs the mail order
houses7
curvina Streets.

Cities nre no longer laid out or built
upon strictly straight lines. Curving
streets. especially in the residence Sec
ton. will in the future prove the rule
rather than the exception. Where
straight street lines are used. parallel
ed ny curbs. property lines. fences,
hedges and buildings. something should
be done to break the monotony.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1912-06-08
Looked Suspicious.

~Milk will quench IRE caused by an
exploding lamp. water only spreading
the OIL" said the professor.
"Well, I tried to quench fire by put
ting milk on It once" said the milk
man, but 1t didn't put the fire out"
.sWelI. next dine you try 1t be sure
you haven't put any water in the
milk."-Yonkers Statesman.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1912-06-08

palace - that he
might avoid the
pain Ut seeing
his own features.
Thu . q tn n
called on his
grand vizier one
day and by acci-
dent happened to
catch saght Of
isreAection. His
hideeusness over
powered him, and
he bEoke into VIC
lent sobbing. In
this outburst the
vixier promptly
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1912-06-08
ha Msant Wall.

When Earl Spencer was lord lieu
tenant Of Ireland the people Of Dublin
called the beautiful countess, one of
the loveliest women of her time.
''Spenser's Faerie Queene."
But when their excellencies were
about to return to England Irish gal
lantry was shown in characteristic
way. At the farewell banquet in their
honor an Irish gentleman who was
anxious to pay the beautiful countess
q compliment got up and said. with
much fervor and many bows:
I'VE all hope soon to SEQ you back
again, you and the work of art by
your siie'
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1912-06-08

A famous actor will never take med
icine. and his medical man was often
obliged to resort to stratagem to i'm
pose a dose upon him. There is
play in which the hero is sentenced
to drink cup Of poison. The actor
In question was playing this charnc-
ter one night and had given directions
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1912-06-08

sobbsd on and
On. His master,
tapping his slip
per impatiently
on the cushions.
waited for him
to cease.
At length the
sultan got angry
and exclaimed:
"Why do you
weep longer than
I, vizisr 7"
Alas" the
grand vizier re-
Piled. "you wept,
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1912-06-08

An elderly gentleman who knew
something Of law lived in an Irish
village where no lawyers had evef
penetrated and was in the habit Of
making tho willis Of his neighbors.
At an early hour one morning he
was aroused from his slumber by >
knocking at his gate and. putting hin
head out Of the window. he asked whs
was there.
''It's me. your honor-Paddy Flaher.
u. could not get a wink Of slesr
thinking Of the will have made"
whats the matter with the willr'
asked the lawyer.
sMatter. indeedr' replied Pat
sBhnrs. I've not left myself q tArss
lsgyed stool to sit upon!'
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1912-06-08
Josh GAVE the CUP.


Nut 10 csuidnt Make Coed IN tiss
Dsar Proposition.
Josh Billings. the gaunt. long haired
philosopher. was one Of the most gen
ial Of men. Many Of his III spelled
sayings were meaty, and one Of them
ut least was worthy Of Solomon. 1t
was:
1.-THE best way for father to train
his boy in the way he should 60 Ii to
20 that way himself"
Some years ago. when Josh was stay.
ing in the White mountains, he was
charmed by beautiful spring Of clear.
icy cold water which dubbed up at
the side of the highway. He made the
carriage stop and. removing his SLOUGH
hat. lay down on his face and drank
q deep. refreshing draft. In compli-
ment to him the residents in the neigh
borhood named the fountain Josh
Billings spring." and It has thus been
known ever since.
At the nearest village Josh bought
q huge tin cup and scratched on Its
side the warning:
Whoever steals this nns big cup
By q big black bear will be eat up.
JOSH BILLINGS.
This cup was placed ON Q broad.
dat stone within convenient reach. A
few days later the humorist, having
nursed consuming thirst, walked all
the way to the spring to quench the
same. To his dlsmay and anger the
utensil WIS gone. and on a sapllng
near at hand was tackled a bit Of pa
per with the penciled words:
D,ar Josh. your cup II gone. know not
where.
Now. IL you please. trot out your big
black bear.
Fortunately for the poet he did not
sign his name or give any clew to his
identity.-Ios Angeles Times.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1912-06-08
Tracked.

Tracked.
Man (nystesiously)-I recognise In
that woman holdup agent.
Detective (excitsdlyl-Whatw oman1
Mainly baby's nurse.-Baltimore
American.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1912-06-08

NJ poOr WWsWssA0 A8alWs
1ndignation.
"And you mean to ~ ny milk don't
look right!' be snapped. "Why. lady,
this can Of milk II picture!'
"Ah, yes. laughed the keen house
who; - Ans water color."-ExchanEs.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1912-06-08
eday.

Gay not tomorrow. Today 10 your own
To parcel n you will.
For who can tell that when the day has
flown
He shall be living stiilf
Oh, biest IL he whose daily balance sheet
Brinss perfect work to view.
Whose closing day leaves NO task incom-
plete
For other hands to do!
Tomorrow's but Q jack-o' lantern sprlte
That fees the lagsard's clasp.
Tvday's the power whose hand Of gracioui
might
Holds fortune In its grasp
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1912-06-08

"Help you!" sco5ed The irate house
wife. well, guess not. I oaly A.
sist invalids."
"Weil. num-" rsspoadsA Bssfstsak
Ben ~ be tried to remove the bulldog
from his shins. "rn b an iz~alid II
stay here much longes."
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1912-06-08
EailAi.

The Captain u50O,-so the dungeon
game won't work1
The Warder-No. Somebody Snug
gied an empty hosshead and couple
Of wall notices in to the prisoner. and
he thinks he's in q eathskeller.-Puck.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1912-06-08
RSslLe>a

Caller-so your cook has passed sway
to better place? HostssstYes, but ]
don't know II shs'll stay. Poor Bridget
was very hard to suit-Boston Tfav-
eler.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1912-06-08
Ths
Scrap Book


A medieval sultan had sach IN alarm
hsiy gEotesqus and ugly facs that he
had all the mirrors removed from his
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1912-06-08
The Joy Rider.

The Joy Rider.
Thsrs was . man In our town
Who dearly loved . lark.
He jumped into his nsetorcar
And speeded through the dark.
And when he saw his lights were out
With nerve 1t highest pitch
IL spsd on faster TN ~ TX
The whsss car tn . ditch.
u .13aTpsr'e Wesa1y.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1912-06-08

'-Ths Dost b born. not made" sayseA
TIE psovszb. In ctAe words 4 1sa't
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1912-06-08
HI ooH1ED on.

o commander Of the faithful. because
you saw your face but for an instant.
but l see 1t all day and every day"
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1912-06-08

Joined. Finally the sultan Gained down.
wiped his eyes and got ready to smoke
and talk. but not 20 the vigief. He
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1912-11-24

with Johnny" Davis, of the stocking
shop, who has assaulted a stool pigeon
for making a vile charge against him, and
the two companions in misery find conso-
lation i'm addressing each other under the
affectionate nicknames Of dear Sasha
and dear little Felipe"
After the dungeon BerBman is put IN
a straitjacket for a week. He says that
he is almost suffocated, owing to the
tightly strapped canvas around his body
and that his legs become temporarily
paralyzed. Then he is put in solitary.
Another investigation Of the penitenu-
airy, this time by a legislative committee
occurs. II is a whitewash, says Berkman.
like the first investigation, though one or
the officers charges the management with
corruption and fraud. However, he thinks
the agitation in the press has accomplished
some good cubbings are less frequent
and the bullring is temporarily abolished.
After sixteen months in solitary the
warden suggests TO Berkman that he
may have the privileged job Of range
man, at liberty in the dollhouse, on con-
dition that he discover the convict who IS
making counterfeit silver dollars in the
DenltBntldTy. Inc illpuiuS IloN' '''''
found hidden in the North Block Berk-
man replies that he cannot act as
spy. Nevertheless he gets the job OF
assistant rangeman.
Berkman has pet sparrow that comes
into his cell eats from his hand and hops
upon him with perfect familiarity the
bird was with him last summer and re-
turned with cold weather. On Christmas
day the bird is playing about near the
cell. Bob Runyon, a stool pigeon, comes
along and kicks the feathered mite, KILL
ing t. Berkman knocks Runyon down.
and Is locked up.
A plan of escape involving great labor
daring and persistence is formulated be-
tween Berkman and his friends In ana
out Of the penitentiary. 1t requires inc
digging of a tunnel for several hundred
feet from the cellar of house In ster-
ling street, under the penitentiary wall
connecting with an old tunnel and ter
minating near the mat shop. After long
and painful effort the scheme comes 10
nothing. Berkman thus describes the
discovery:
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1912-11-24
UNCERTAIN PROBABILITIES.

Head Coach Howe told at the Yale
training table a football story:
The English" he began, ARE crazier
over football than we are. Why, there
will sometimes be nearly 10000 English
at a single football game
Two English women Of the lower class
we're drinking 'four-ale' in pub one af-
tornoon.
What's the matter with zee, Bess"
asked the first woman.
"Ah'm puzzled, said the second.
What about, Bess?'
"'Wcll. ye see, my Gsrge's on the foot
ball team. an when the team wins he
treats me to fried fish an the movies,
but when II loses he gies me beatin' up
well, Bess, l know all about that.
But what's puzzlin' thee. That's what
| asked
well, We see, to-day's match ended in
a draw"
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1912-11-24
Vivid Story of 14-Year Prison Penance

eral disordcr-all seem to point TO pre-
cipitate flight. The persistence OF the
assertion OF a fatal accident disquiets
me. I'm spite Of my knowledge to the
contrary. The thought unnerves me
with horror, TIL 1t is announced that a
negro. whom the police had induced to
crawl the length of the tunnel brought
positive assurance that no life was sac
rifced In the underground work"
Berkman's connection with the tunnel
plot Is suspected lie is put I'm solitary
confinement 20 suffer long months OF
misery. A new hope Of escape with the
aid of Fighting" Tom arises. But Tom
"blccds to death" i'm his cell. Another
prison chum, young Russell Schroyer,
becomes paralyzed and dies in agony as
the result, il Is said OF wrong medi-
cine administered by a trusty
4 new warden, who is a physician in
PRODUCES reforms I'm the penitentiary. and
with most beneficial results. There are
better food, hygienic care, exercise In the
open air. abolition Of the dungeon and
kindly treatment OF the prisoners.
band plays I'm the prison yard every even
ing. 1t seems that the millennium has ar
rived. But the millennium does not last
long. Cases Of ingratitude and the In
nuence Of his subordinates cause the
warden 10 drop most Of his reforms.
After fourteen years behind the bars
Berkman enters a world which is strange
and terrible TO him. lie has become we'd
ded to solitude. 1t Is painful to see many
people, to talk and to be surrounded with
an uproar. Wallpaper on walls seems
strange automobiles IN the streets are
a disturbing novelty. Instead Of the an
ticipated JOY In freedom, he is miserable.
and plans to commit suicide. Aided by
the loving care OF friends, mis- disturbed
mind is Gained. lie adjusts himself grad
ually to a world of freedom and finds
place for his renewed activities.
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1912-11-24
RABBITS FURNISHED.

Apropos of the opening Of the rabbit
season, w. Goadby Loew, while driv-
ing the coach Pioneer from New York to
the Piping Rock Club at Locust Valley,
said
There's a man out this way who in
vitcd some friends to his place to shoot
rabbits last year. The first days shoot
Ing was very poor. Not rabbit, in fact,
was located Accordingly. that evening
the host bought some rabbits from a
farmer and turned them loose in his
grounds.
He couldn't hunt himself the next
day, so his guests set off without him.
When they got back he asked them how
they had made out.
"Oh, pretty fair they answered.
Look. We've got five
There should have been six he said. y