Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1912-11-20
The DUMB WAITER
1t Played a Low Down Trick on
the Master of the House.

One OF the old time humorous writ
ers was 'Sparrowgrass," and the fol- |
lowing account of his adventure with 1
a dumb waiter gives a good idea of his |
amusing style:
One evening Mrs. S. had retired. |
and l was busy writing when it struck |
me glass of ice water would be pal |
atable So l took the candle and q !
pitcher and went down to the pump.
Our pump is in the kitchen. coun-
try pump in the kitchen is more con-
venient. but a we'll with buckets is GER
tainly most picturesque. Unfortunate
ly our we'll water has not been sweet
since it was cleaned out.
First l had TO open a bolted door
that lets you into the basement hall.
and then l went to the kitchen door.
which proved to be locked. Then l re-
membered that our girl always car
ried the key to bed with her and slept
with it under her pillow. Then 1 re-
traced my steps. bolted the basement
door and went up into the dining room.
AS is always the case. found when l
could not get any water l was thirstier
than l supposed / was. Then l
thought / would wake our girl up.
Then l concluded not to do it. Then
l thought of the well. but gave that
up on account of its favor. Then l
opened the closet doors. There was no
water there. Then l thought of the
dumb waiter. The novelty of the idea
made me smile took out two of the
movable shelves. stood the pitcher on
the bottom of the dumb waiter. got In
myself with the lamp let myself down
until l supposed l was within a foot
of the floor below and then let go.
We came down so suddenly that |
was shot out of the apparatus as II 1t
had been a catapult. 1t broke the
| pitcher. extinguished the lamp and
landed me in the middle Of the kitchen
at midnight. with no fire and the air
not much, above the zero point. The
truth is | had miscalculated the dis
/ lance of the descent Instead of falling
one foot. | had fallen five. My first
| impulse was to ascend by the way
came down. but l found that imprac-
ticable. Then tried the kitchen door
It was locked. tried to force it open
1t was made of two inch stuff and held
its own. Then | hoisted a window.
and there were the rigid iron bars. If
ever felt angry at anybody it was at
myself for putting up those bars to
please Mrs. Sparrowgrass. | put them
up not to keep people in. but TO keep
people out.
laid my cheek against the ice cold
barriers and looked ut the sky. Not
star was visible. 1t WAS as black as
= ink overhead. Then made noise.
shouted until | was hOarse and ruined
our preserving kettle with the poker.
That brought our dogs out in full bark.
and between us we made the night
hide0us Then | thought ] heard a
, voice and listened 1t was Mrs. Spar
rowgrass calling to me from the top
of the staircase ] tried TO make her
hear me. but the Internal dogs united
with howl and Growl and bark. so as
to drown my voice which is naturally
plaintive and tender. Besides. there
were two bolted doors and double deaf
ened floors between us. How could she
recognize my voice. even If she did
, hear it?
Mr. Sparrowgrass called once OIL
, twice and then got frightened The
next. thing | heard WAS sound as II
the roof had fallen in. by which | I'm
der. stood that Mrs. Sparrowgrass wa:
, springing the rattle! That called ou
our neighbor. already wide awake. HI
came TO the rescue with Il bull terrier
Newfoundland pup. a lantern and
revolver The moment he saw me a
the window he shot ut me. but fortu
natey just missed ME. ! threw mysel
under the kitchen table and venture'
q to expostulate with him, but be woul'
not listen to reason. In the excite
:, ment | had forgotten his name. ant
! that made matters worse 1t was no
until he had reused up everybod
around. broken in the basement doc
with an ak. got into the kitchen wit
his cursed savage dogs and shooting
. iron and seized me by the collar tina
he recognized me. and then he wante'
me TO explain it. But what kind of a
explanation could | make TO him?
told him he would have to wait unit
| my mind was composed and then
would let him understand the matte
fully.