Tazewell Republican. [volume] (Tazewell, Va.) 1892-1919, 1912-11-21

the middle and called him Alphabet.
Not to his face, mind ye, but amongst
ourselves, so to speak Us scientists
is very human people when not before
the public
80 thishyere Alphabet Snoggins he
had a system of encouragin' rapid
growth in the human system. Done
a lot O. researchin' at the stockyards.
he had. maxim drugs out o. by-prod-
ucts an the like. He'd discovered a
way to use powdered glands and mus
cles SOS to supply the lackin' incen-
tive to development. You get me? You
know there's people that don't grow
as fast or as big as they ought to, lust
because the CROWN power isn't in
'em. So Alphabet he had worked out
a kind of medicine that would make
'em sprout. Well, come along one
fall, and on tn experiment farm where
our college was we Matched out fine
bunch turkeys. Hatched 'em out
in the early summer, in fact. There
was one gobbler l rather liked the
looks of, so, just for the fun of the
thing, more'n anything else. 1 took
personal care of # myself. One day.
just for the novelty of 1t, I mixed a
lot OF Alphabet's dope with tn feed
give Mr. Gobbler. Next day blame
ny hide If it wasn't twicet as big as
t had been! !
That give mo my ldee. l drove that
sobbler away over to the far end O.
-he farm an penned it up, and from
hen on l fed it three times a day.
Every day I give it a peck o. Alpha1
BETS rapid grower. Alphabet kept
%onderin what was becomin' O. his
powder, an finally got to work on
theery that this petickler ingrejunt O.
tn system was so pecooliarly con-
structed that it nachly faded out O.
existence, which was, accordin' to his
theory, the reason people that don't
grow fast or big don't grow at all.
Purity good theory. but, like most thee,
ries, 1t was faulty in jest one petick-
Ter.
We'll, you'd ought to "a seen Mr..
Gobbler. Gentlemen, take my word
for it or not, in one months time it
was big as a horse, an by the first O.
November it was bigger II an ele-
plant
Along come a huckster. buyin'
Thanksgivin turkeys Lowed he'd
pay 20 cents a pound for 'eIu. SEE
to him l had one gobbler I'd sell him,
pervidin' he'd take it alive. 1rold him
L was busy man, what with my re-
searchin' an other scientific work, an
didn't have no time for killtn' an
cleanin' turkeys. Huckster said he'd
take tn gobbler jest as it stood So I
piked of to tn back corner o. tn
farm, let down tn bars, an 'druv tn
gobbler up to tn college.
Honest, l was scared of it myself.
1t stood twenty feet high, an bIilt az
cordin'. That turkey was big enough
to furnish church dinners for all tn
churches in this state. But it was as
gentle as a lamb. Only thing about it
was its voice. I'd forgot to tell about
that. When it gobbled it made more
noise than a house afire Well 1
drove 1t up to tn college, an tn fac
ulty an tn huckster an tn students
an all was there-an' they blame nigh
died with establishment.
Just think how you'd feel If all
OF a sudden right down a lane would
come turkey as big as a freight car,
an II just when it got about forty feet
from you it spread a tail as big as a
circus tent and began gobbling in a
voice that could be heard in the next
county. Why, tn faculty nachly duck
ed right inside tn college insta ater,
an tn huckster was so scaret he ump-
ed into his wagon an tried to hit he in
one Of his cOops that was full of post
ers an hens an turkeys an gui1 leas.
Then my turkey, bein' a shy and tim
i'd creetur, got scaret too, an it
flew up on top o. tn Hall O. Lib fral
Arts an let out gobble that SCUM 6ed
like a million freight trains bloy Vi n
for tn flag man all at once. Sc IN
ed like that was tn first time it Uer
knew it could fly. II Topped it's wiz es
once or twice, knocking all tn chin 10
leys off tn buildin' in tn exercise, N
then started right up in tn air. q N
was never seen since. No, sirs, Il o.
body ever seen hide nor feather of 1t
from that day to this
so that was why I lost my job sit
tn college. Alphabet he got sore be-
cause I'd stole his quick-growin 'medi
cine, an tn rest O. tn faculty got
mad because they'd got scared over a
little scientific experiment. They pass
ID tn word around an l couldn't g ct
work at no other college in tn COZ n
try, so at last l made up my mind to
settle down here in what is as M ar
oblivion as l can find an seek to be
forgotten. l wouldn't "a told you fel
lers about thishyere turkey, only
know you'll respec' my confldeno e.
What became of the huckst sr
Am'zi?" asked Lafayette Allen. Il lg
ging at his whiskers.
We'll, now, that's just what startt Z
me to rememberin' thishyere turkey.
saw that same huckster goin' throug !
town today, an how l knowed it wa
him was that he kept watchin' the SIX
all tn time, expectin to see thishye
turkey come down to roost"
That's pretty near as good ste IL
AMI" said the grocer, preparing tn
close the store for the night, "as FU,
usually tell me when l dun you Rn