Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1912-02-18

Nuthin'. Abso- b. jing-luttly nuthin'.
They're just states. all Of them But the
prosy gentlemen with the after-dark
buds Ito which many Of them are visibly
unaccustomed and in which they are
often manifestly nervous to the point of
frenzy don't see 1t this way none what
ever. Their state-aha! Now we've got
you, all other states! Get us! You're
mere blurry little blOts on the topography
of the United States, all the rest of you
other little woodtick states. But We are
the kertish. kapoo, niftyrino article when
it comes to q state. We raise more
'oopskies, or we fit harder In the civil
war, or we're cleaner politically, or we're
sky is higher over our meadows and
bosky dells, or our women are prettier.
or we produce a better article of booze,
or we've got more fat men within our
borders-this is the sort OF menhaden
fertilizer that the man who has to at
tend the banQuets of the state societies
of New York is obliged to listen to every
time he decides to beat Lent to 1t by
making a penance and attends a banquet
of state society in New York.
And, vince! the various staters jes' sit
there and look rapt and you can feel
their spines grow cold with the thrill OF
joy as their states are eulog1Zed as CID
bon never eulogized the Roman empire at
the height of it's pomp and pageantry-
and they believe every word OF 1t. What
makes Indiany, or Ohio, or Nebrasky,
or Mississippi. or 1oway-what makes
Zach of 'em the greatest state In the
vide Union? Why, the belief OF the
'olks who attend these state society din
ers that such is the case; the belief IN 1T
hat couldn't be blown out of them with
!. charge of lyddite heavy enough to
educe all of Manhattan Island to pumice
owder.
It might naturally be inferred that the
writer hereof has been attending some OF
these state society dinners. He has been,
gor two long, merciless decades. He at
tended lot OF 'em last month. Not be-
cause-oh, nunno, never thatIhe desired
TO- but because 1t was part Of his forced
..outin One Of these dinners was that OF
The New England Society. If his encrim-
soned Satanic nibs were to pop suddenly
out Of the ground and demand OF me- on
peril of being snatched to burning mari
within ten seconds If l didn't successfully
get away with it, the most appropriate
synonym for the word funeral" I'd slap
right at him "a dinner of the New England
Society of New York. all In clutter OF
language. and take a chance Ia win.
through New England. have even dwelt
there. Nice little section of America. in
spots-wide intervals between the Spots.
sometimes. But If New England ever by
dor that is attributed to 1t by each and
every one of the chirpers who talk New
England at the dinners of the New Eng
land Society In New York, 1t won't be al
lowed to be washed and layed by the At
lantic ocean very long; it'll be yanked
from this sublunary sphere and placed on
the yon side of the celestial river.
Next in order, for wearifulness and the
carking and cankering effect upon the
judicially discerning spirit, come the pan
Quets of the guilds, SO to speak. Inc ban
quets. that is to say. of the people VINO
of business, such as hardware. or the
manufacture of glass. or tfn-tags. or mo-
tor cars. or SIGH like.
Grand fellers, let it be admitted at
once, every one Of the gentlemen who
attend these banquets. Grand! Good hus-
bands and fathers, citizens and taxpayers.
observers Of all of the conventions writ
and unwrit and in every way grand,
grander and grandest. But what sep
ulchrality does permeate their banquets!
And, after the sepulchrality. what strange
egotism! It Is an egotism. visibly. in which
all OF them share too. The banquetizing
bunch who manufacture shovels. for ex-
ample, say right out loud. through their
after-dinner speakers, that, outside OF
persons who are engaged In the manu-
facture Of shovels. why. they simply
hain't nobuddy in all this broad. bright
while. Why. ask you? Why. because
they don't manufacture shovels! It's the
Same with the banQuetizing fellers who
manufacture any old thing.
It is. In truth. the same with the ban
quetlzing professional people.
.