Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1912-12-03
At the End Of the Rainbow.
Useless PRECAUTIONS.
NJ Walt Mann
By Walt Mason.

..Tm celebrating my birthday today.
remarked the hotelkeeper. land you may
have a ten-cent cigar on the house
..Tbat's lust my luck" exclaimed the
retired merchant. disgustedly. why IN
thunder couldn't YOU have had your
birthday day before yesterday? L just
cut out smoking. i haven't been sleep
ing we'll for some time. and yesterday
went around to the doctor and asked
him TO parse and analyze my system ana
see what was wrong. When he had eX-
amined me he said / had the worst case
of tobacco heart he had encountered IN
years, and if / wanted TO continue on tue
surface of the globe for any length OF
time I'd have to quit smoking. So nave
quit with capital n =,
His diagnosis must have been wrong,
said the hotelkeeper. You may nave d
cabbage heart but I'll be fingered II to-
bacco ever had anything to do with put
ting YOU on the blink. You come IN
here and chew valuable toothpicks ana
drink expensive ice water. and save IO or
Is cents a week by reading my copy OF
the newspaper. but never saw you buy
a cigar No, doggone it. you always have
a pocketful of stogies that you bought at
the kraut factory, and You SIT around
here smoking them and never do thing
for the house. You can't convince me
that those things you smoke have tobac-
co in them. So / say tn. the sawbones
was mistaken, and if there's anything
wrong with your heart tobacco can prove
an aEbi- ,.
there's no sense i'm quitting smoking. for
that's likely to kill you off at any min
ute When a mans system is soaked
with nicotine he shouldn't quit tobacco
abruptly. It's too big shock to his
nerves If were going to quit I'd mix
a little cabbage or spinach with my to-
bacco for a year. and then the next year
use a little more spinach and little
less tobacco. and so on, and in twenty
Ave or thirty years I'd be free from the
thraldom of tobacco altogether. and the
Sunday school superintendent would ask
me to address their classes. and I'd be
recognized as a shining example wherever
[ went.
II remember when old Quackenbush
quit smoking two or three years ago.
The horse doctor threw scare into him.
saying his heart was all out of killer,
and the old man put OK of good CT
CARS into the stove and broke up his
pipes. and registered a solemn vow with
the county clerk that he'd never touch
tn vile weed again. Before that time he
vas one of the most popular men in town,
and / was always glad to see him drop
INTO this hotel. He was polite and agree
able and sympathetic that / used to
weep on his bosom and tell him all my
troubles.
We'll. sir the change that his swearing
went around town fairly suffering for
smoke. and he tried to take out his i'll
temper on his friends He became so
peevish that you couldn't talk with him
zen minutes without getting into quar-
rel If You said earth was round
he'd declare it was three-cornered, and
ask You into the alley to settle 1t with
gOur fists. After a while he realized that
ne had become a public nuisance. and he
had sense enough to know that his own
health was of no consequence as against
he public peace, so he bought ten
pounds of the strongest tobacco in the
market and began smoking two pipes a.
snce, and since then he has Leen as pop
1lar ever.
II wouldn't try to discourage you IL /
thought swearing off would do you any
good. but ii won't If You once begin
swearing of there'Il be no end to it.
About the time your heart gets into
proper action your stomach will go
wrong, and the doctors will tell you that
rou'n have to quit eating oysters and
stakes and live on stewed sawdust. Then
four liver will organize a revolution and
Fou'1l have to live on pea SOUP and when
hat trouble is over your lungs will go
wrong. and the doctors will tell you to
oathe in codliver oil and live on slippery
Elm bark