The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1911-09-20
rich man. He smokes ten cent cigars:

go down to COney Island and shoot de
shutes any time he wants to. II de
grocer comes round and says de bill is
$40 1t am paid on de spot. an he an,
told dat If he sends up any mo- wilted
peas he will lose de rich mans trade.
DE rich man don't have to worry
about coal an taxes. He don't have
to watch fur bargain sales to git a
suit of clothes. He kin buy ten pairs
of shoestrings at once an he needn't
worry about de street car conductor
beatin' him out of a nickel. He owns
bosses. an he keeps servants, an he
am de big man when Fourth Of July
comes round Applause, during which
Samuel Shinn broke a pane of glass
with his elbow and was led out Of the
hall between Anthony Tyler and
Kurnel Cabif.l
You applaud now, my frens, but
wait a mint. You have sawn only
one side Of de picture. From de mint
a man gifts rich de book agents are
arter him. Everybody who has ever
bowed to him wants to borry $40. De
grocer beats him, de butcher swindles
him. and de policeman on dat beat
stands in wild his cook an is furnish
ed wild all de lemon pie he kin devour.
De rich man am game fur all. He
has got to go to church cherry Sunday.
no matter how good de tishin' am, an
when he's dar he's got to sot up in
front whar eberybody kin see de wrin-
kles in de back Of his coat.
Troubles Of tho Wealthy.
How often do you suppose de rich
man has a billed dinner? Not once a
var. He dassent have. 1t hain't
katosh in his circle. Did you cher see
a rich man sittin' OIL de top rail O. a
fence eatin' a raw turnip? Nebber in
yo'r life. He's got to sot down on a
stuffed chair ut home an eat oranges.
Has a rich man got Il hog pen in his
back yard, whar he kin go out IN
scratch de back of Il hog wild a stick
and chuckle wild pleasure? Kin a rich
man sot around de grocery in de even
in in his shirt sleeves or dare drink
his 'lasses out O a jug: DO you eber
hear O. his gwine fishin' or skatin' or
I'LL uItCt LUX NIcDC llCS NV Ou yOut
life! Tremendous applause.I
IAN de rich mar kin do am to be
rich an hev heaps o trubble. He's
got to eat what he don't like. dress
as be don't want to and hang around
de Waldorf-Astoria when he'd a heap
rather be out on de common playin'
ball wild de boys. His wife is arter
h{ro all a. k$r@o E,- r~~s Is~,., Lso
boys am runnin' around an marryin'
chorus gals. and his daughters am
cryin' to go to Europe a n buy out
Switzerland. lGroans and sympathy.]
Rich Men Want to Be Poor.
II has knowed as many as seben
rich men in my time, an l has had
private talks wild dem all. When dey
found dat l was Junius Jupiter John
son Of Jackson dey just talked to me-
in confidence. Ebery one OF dose
seben men told me dat he'd glib his
old butes to be a pore an happy man
ag'in. Dey couldn't eben glib DER
money away an be pore like de rest
O. rs. DER wives wouldn't let 'em do
it. Dey had to keep right on bein'
rich an havin' trubble day in an day
out. an it will not surprise you to
hear dat dey all died befo' DER time.
[Sensation.l
"My dear frens. don't sigh to be
rich. Don't plan an scheme fur
wealth. Don't envy de MILLIONAIRE.
Oars bosses an carriages in bein'
rich, but what's de use o. bosses an
carriages when you kin ride on a
street kyar? l hab summed it up an
6ggered it out. an I'm tellin' you dat
de man who am libbin' in a cottage
an wearin' one shirt all de week
through am happier dan de millyon-
aire.
II did not come heah to make any
distended remarks, but simply to SOW
a few seeds by de wayside. Remain
pore an happy. Remain pore an re-
spectacle. When you take from a
man de privilege Of sittin' on his
doahsteps in his shirt sleeves. wild an
old hen cacklin' on one side O. him an
a pig gruntin' on de odder, de dawg
lynn in de sun an de chil'en rollin' on
de grass. you hab Token away a hap.
piness dat money can't replace.
Thankin' you fur your kind desidera-
shun, l will now make my bow an
say good night" Terrific applause.]
Feminine Economy.
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