davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-08-06

1t was something new to the league.
which, under the Wells regime. had
been allowed to drift on aimlessly and
without any working head The presi-
dent was rarely on the ground and
the matter of oversteppinS the salary
limit was either condoned or over
looked. In other words. the salary
limit was n convenient affair. made to
fit the needs of the occasion. II Rich
mond needed ball players to win, and
It was desirable for Richmond to win,
Richmond was allowed to go out and
get the players. The use of Richmond
is purely for the sake of Illustration.
as 1t was the same with any of the
other teams in the league. How diff
ferent under Williams! He was al
ways on the Job and kept pretty close
tab on the teams. He made the sal
airy limit stand for what it was meant,
and he got himself cordially dislked
thereby.
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-09-14
Dead Sure.

From the Washington Star.
Representative Swagcr Sherlcy, OF
Ncntucky. WAS talking in Washington
about his amendment to strengthen thc
pure food and drugs bill.
we must make our laws against
impure food and drugs ~impregnable."
he said. 'or Il national state of i'll
health will be ours as certainly aS-aS
certainly as-'
He %hesitated, her resumed.
lit reminds me of Il story, IA story
about n Louisville maid servant who
said one day to her mistress:
Might ! have next Friday IL week
off. ma'am?'
"'Non'll get Your usual Thursday
the mistress objected; but. OF course.
If it's Important
My tiance is to be buried. ma'am.
next Friday a week. and ! want to go
to the funeral
Your Rance? Buried? Why. l
didn't know YOU had II fiance; let alone
That he was dead
"'H amt dead. ma'am,' said the
maid softly.
.'The mistress smiled and. looked re-
licved.
Not dead? Then. of course she
said, YOU can't be sure he is going to
die. no matter how i'll he may be.
None of. us know when we are going
To die. Death is one uncertain thing.
And set % would predict positively
the date of this mans death and bur
ial. It's 10surd of you.'
Excuse me, ma'am,' said the maid
in Il low voice. 1T ain't absurd. Jim's
goin' to be hang"
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-09-14
Il Got Monotonou..
From Success Magazine

A yellow negro out in Kansas CITY de-
cided that by barbering In the day time
and fighting at night he could easily at
tain to great wealth. His first essay in
pugilism vas against a shifty black with
a good ring record. AT the tap of the bell
the black professional planted a straight
left on the amateurs nose. and repeated
the process some 100 times. BY a super
human effort the yellow barber came to
a clinch. and his voice rang high in agon-
ized protest:
"Scattah yo' blows. niggah." he de-
lnanded. "Fo' Gawd's sake, scattah yo'
hlowS."
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-09-14
Hard Too.
From Life.

Thaddels Stevens and all members OF
the House tell one anecdote Of an occur
renee in which Mr.. Stevens and the speak
er of the House got into a sharp tangle.
ending In Stevens %savagely rolling up
some documents on which he had been adj
dressing the chair. and turning his back
to the speaker in the most impolite way
while passing furiously up the aisle to-
ward the cloak room.
is the gentleman trying to show his
contempt for the speaker" shouted that
dfgnitary.
NO Numbered back Stevens, turning
around and facing the wielder of tho
gavel; Il am trying To conceal it,
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-09-14

And his rules OF etiquette
They have not been published yet.
You can always near him chew,
Drinks out of his sasser, too,
And he doesn't mind a bit
When YOU call him down for it.
Takes o~ld-fashioned remedy
For what a;ls him. Says that he
Can't see much in this new thought.
Though, of course. he ought.
He's not Very long in style
And he wears no fine silk tile.
Interest in art to him
is naught but II silly within.
He's more taken up with cooks
han with music or with books.
Polish is not in his line.
But, I'll tell YOU, friends of mine.
When I'm lookin' for Il V.
Dad looks mighty good to me.
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-09-14

| morning as She docs ut y O'Clock IN
the evening. y. B-Thcrc isn't any
such.
Miss Anastas1a Butts. our Village
manicure, says there amt anything
else in the world like love and guess.
bN gravy, it is q good thing there
amt.
Graf charges are so prevalent in
this country at the present time that
Constable Ezra Hand is afraid to buy
Il half dozen tin cups Tor the town
pump
1t is getting so nowadays when a
Teller maKcs Il failure of everything
else. he either goes into the Insurance
business or starts out selling Vacuum
cleaners.
Mr.. Am Tilson. leader of our opry
house orchestra. busted two strings on
his violin the other night and there
can't be no more shows until Am finds
n stray cat.
Reading maketh n full man. but
Hank Tumms says he never got
soused that way in his life. He
couldn't do it ever by reading the
Ticker ads.
fy saying: Well. gents. what's 1t go
ing to be- YOU kin make up Your
might that he WAS Il bartender at some
time in his life.
o woman will buy SAG worth OF hair
and then put ON Il SAC hat that comes
down over her ears and overs it all
up. Queer critters, women-almost as
queer as men.
| sec by the papers that they wear
whiskerS longer in Kansas than i'm amy
other state. but this it not so. Grandpa
Ribbins. right here i'm this town. has
Worn his over so years.
There are three kinds of fellers that
ought To stay away from the book
makers mt the boss races. and they are
the old fellers. the young fellers and
the middle-aged fellers.
Anne aillikcr says he doesn't believe
i'm being penurious with the wimmin
folks. He gives his wife 25 cents every
Saturday 40 she can buy something eN-
tray for the Sunday dinner.
Grandpa Bihbins has quit waitin'
for Bryan to he elected and is now
waitin' for the price of beefsteak to
come Town. by ginger. he must ex-
pect to beat Methusalum's record.
Some fellers are born foolish, others
acquire foolishness. and still others
nave f%oolishness thrust upon them, but
there amt no excuse in the world for
a Teller wearin' a celluloid collar.
Jed Frink, who weighs 1861 pounds.
went to see Doc Hanks about reducing
his weight. and Doc told him to avoid
all starchy things. Since then Jed has
been gOin' around without any shirt.
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-09-14
Hit and Run.

From the st. Paul Pioneer Press.
When | arose to speak, related tho
martyred statesman. " some one threw a
base, cowardly egg at me-
And what kind of an egg might that
be? asked an attelitive listener.
"A base. cowardly egg" explained the
statesman, lis one that hits you and then
runs
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-09-14
SIGNS THAI NEVER FAIL.

If your tongue feels like a shredded
wheat biscuit in the morning it is Il
sur sign that you did not spend the
previous evening al q church meeting.
II you see a father leading his young
hopeful by the ear in the general d.
rection of the woodshed it is a sign that
something is about to happen which
will hurt the parent more than the Off
spring.
If you see a pedestrian lodging back
ward and onward in the street instead
of standing still as he should it is a
sign that somebody is going to be hit
by an automobile.
II there is a wisp of hair here and
there upon the rolling pin. it is a
sign that there has been an argument:
also that there is a s%uffraset in tho
family.
If there is a pair of shoes hanging
IN the chandelier in the morning. it
is a sign of an approaching storm.
If a small boy sleeps with one foot
out OF the window and "A string tied to
one of his toes, IT is a sign that he is
going fishing in the morning before the
family can stop him.
IL a man invites an old college chum
home to dinner without warming. it is
a sign that there is not going to be
much to eat in the house.
If a mar goes to the hospital for an
operation, it is a sign that he is going
to spend a lot of money.
II a mar drinks u pitcher of hotel ice
water in the morning without stopping
to use a glass. 1t is a sign that he was
not in bed at 8 o'clock on the previous
evening.
II a man puts $500 a week in the
bank it is a sign that he is not going
to die in the poorhouse.
PERSONAL.
Anxious Wife-You say every time
your husband m home he smells of
whisky. Dear madame, do not worry.
If he only smells of it the whisky
will never hurt him.. Drinking it is
what does the damage.
Dorothy-Fear not. little one. If he
sent you the violets he still loves you.
Cuthbert-You ask us what to wear
when you go to the theater. Well, WI.
would advise a coat, vest, trousers.
shirt. collar, necktie. cuffs. socks and
shoes. There may be others who think
differently. but this Is the usual order,
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-09-14
Tho Genuine Article.

From Harper's Weekly.
II don't know about this picture.
Bobby" said the visitor. as he ran over
specimens OF the youngsters camera
work. Il am afraid q dog with a propeller
instead of a tail Is something Of q fake"
THAT amt a propeller. said Bobby.
That's his tall. He kept waggin, Il
while his picture was being tookened."
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-09-14
So Soon!

90 SoCn!
Sweet April smiled
And dropped a tear.
Then May beguiled
And June drew near
With song so sweet.
And then July
And August heat
Came drifting by.
September soft
October gay
Noth leaves aloft
In bright array
NovemDcr-stop!
The rhyme must pause.
IT'S time to shop
For Santa Claus.
Washington Star.
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-09-14
Lies Lighter Side
Sona of Autumn.

q bark O hear. ere autumn pushes
MY merry song OF q~ulckening spring:
The gray becloudcd winter rushes,
Ana death turks on her fastening wing.
@ bark. O hear. my songs MOI saddened.
one cheerful note ere drop the leaves:
together We the hillside %sladdened
When summer lent us her low breeze.
q bark. O hear: hail the sunlight,
That silds the trees with mellow gold.
NaIessinE soft. ere autunln's sight
Musi all my mates IN death enfold.
O bark. q hear: hush my sorrow;
l only know my death is near:
v pray 10 not my sadness borrow,
50 liearken to my farewell cheer.
Joseph Lesser.
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-09-14
Not to Be Disturbed.

Waiter Ito night nurse Watching pa
tient)-Have some coffee. ma'am?
Night Nurse-No. I greatly fear that
that would keep me awake.
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-09-14
E1AN. r..
HNF.T
W. By ROY 4. MOULTON.
K. MOULTON.
DAD
Copyright, 1911. by c. N. Mather.

Ddu Is dIl Ola lash
toned sport,
Has no of
the u
Likes to eat in his
shirt sleeves
Every meal and he
believes
He should say just
what he thinks
Spite of mothers
nudge and winks.
He is not Well
versed in Greek
Plain old Yankee
lnac ha Snnal.
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-09-14
THE AWAKENING.

Army life is simply grand, SO the man
would understand.
Judging by the pictures that they
sent from Washington.
Advertising is immense. Posters stuck
upon the fence.
Get the youngster to believing hat
it's only fun.
Soldiers do just as they please: live Il
life of perfect ease;
Get a lot of travel that does not
cost them q cent.
Naught to do but sleep and eat. JOY of
living is complete.
Not u moments worry over clothing,
food or rent.
Proposition looks all right. Army
doesn't even fight.
Uncle am has got no scrap with any
foreign power.
Soldiers simply loaf a lot with no
chance of getting shot.
Lying i'm their hammocks reading
novels by tho hour.
Hoeing taters on the farm loses all
old time charm.
Bill Jones packs his satchel and he
Hikes out for the town.
Horny handed son of toll leaves the old
parental soil.
Bound for ease and freedom and per-
haps in tim renown.
Bill. with other raw recruits. had to
black the captains boots.
Curry horses. scoul' the pans, act as
chambernlaid.
Drill all day Will. an his might, do
guard duty late at night
That's the way in times of peace the
army game is played.
There's no loafing Meath the trees,
Hard to find those hours of ease
That the artist pictured in the poster
on the fence.
There is not a chance to shirk. Army
life is much like work.
Same as any other walk of life in
that one sense.
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-09-14
Tho Easiest Way.

Puck.
Tcachcr-How will they use airships
in war. jimmy
Jimmy-Induce the enemy to go up in
ma'am.
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-09-14

peacefully on until 10 minutes after 5
o'clock, or cen later. This was not to
be heard of, so Farmer Hardscrabble
tried loading the old musket and shoot
ing it up the back stairway. This was
without avail and he placed two pounds
OF dynamite under IL dish pan and shot
1t of under the hired mans bed. This
did not have the desired effect. Moth
Ing but the rooster seemed to fill the
bill and he tried to buy the rooster
back, but The man five miles down the
road refused to sell.
Finally Farmer Hardscrabblc thought
of a brilliant idea. He bought a phono-
graph, went to his neighbor's. five miles
the road. and took a record of the
ROSTERS crow at S O'Clock one morning..
Thereafter at 5 O'clock every morning
ne placed the rooster record in the
photograph out in h barn, turned the
photograph on and the hired man was
awakened as If by magic. The III. NJ.
hasn't lost a moments work since.
CLASS TO THEM. Ell"
I've eaten round for many years and got
along some way.
But don't banker much for no huttel CT
swell cafe.
OF course their cookin' is all light for
these here city folk
That never had no better. but to ME it is
a Joke.
i lie HHe fFenCn names tItN laSIen ON (ilc
grub don't cut no ice,
And then again it's really not IL matter of
the price.
i know OF something that beats all their
fancy pies and AXE
Them bakin' powder biscuits that my
mother used to make
OF course that's what they all say and
the subjects mighty old.
But it brings back some memories that
you couldn't buy for gold.
You fellers all remember 'em. Your
mother made 'em. toe.
1t was "a simple little trick these high
toned chefs cant do.
I've searched the country over. but I've
searched 1T all in vain.
1t somehow seems to strike me I'll ne'er
taste their like again.
The cookin' schools amt graduatin' pupils
who can bake
Them bakin' powder biscuits like my
mother used to make.
THE RIGHT KIND OF a CAT.
A small party by the name of
Gladys, a very small party. by the way,
was ~passionately fon of cats and cats
were not poplar with the other mem
bers of the household. The youngster
was continually Juggling home stray
kittens. One day her mother said:
Don't you eel bring home another
cat unless ii is a nice little tomcat."
A day or SO later the child came home
with another forlor look ing kitten.
Here is a nice little tomcat,' she
announced as she deposited the animal
proudly on the center table.
How do you know
II know it is Il tomcat." she replied
With great emphasis. because its
mother was q tomcat."
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-09-14
Such a Difference.
From Puck

You say Garston made a complete con.
ession? What did he get-1ve ycars?o"
NO. So. He confessed to the maya,
zines"
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-09-14
Jelly Face
Frnm The BOSTON Transc

From the Boston Transcript.
When mama ii I'd been stealing
jelly. l said yes"
why didn't you deny?"
II didn't have the face to say no."
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-09-14
Els AEROPLANE.

l4O CbIIO11AAIN6
Town. But
The When he
Above Got way
Away High he
Scared Found the
Then He Blamed
Reared and Thing
The rabble Wouldn't
And main Fly, He
With might Quit the
Her up Biz quick
And hit And this
Plane Is the
Aero Way .
His That he
Into Came
He got Down.
FROM THE HICKEYvILLE
CLARION.
When Greek meets Greek then comes
thc shoe shining parlor.
The Huttel Hickeyville now has run
ming water in every room. The roof
leaks.
oatmobiles are a good deal like men.
The fastest ones get into the most
trouble.
There are two things in this world
that are never unexpected and they are
corned beef Ind cabbidge.
Tine main difference between a Jour
nalist and a newspaper man is that the
latter can gen'ally make a living at 1t.
Outside of infiammatory rheumatic,
about the hardest thing in this world
to get rid Of is a sewing machine agent.
Jed Frink's wife shot him by mistake
for q burglar the other night when he
went home with his whiskers shaved
off.
There is only one family in our town
that hasn't got three CT four kids
takin' music lessons and that one keeps
a p~honograph.
They say that nothing IL Impossible
in This world but we would like to
know now 1t is possible to get out of
paytn' u gas bill.
An ac.or Teller who was dom II
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-09-14
THE FAMILY PICNIC

! love the family picnic.
love to be the goat.
The baskets and the hammocks
] dearly love to tote.
! love to go for water
To some soul farmers we'll
And be chased by his bull dog.
My joys no words can tell.
love those barbed wire fences
You meet at every turn.
There's no safe way to scale EN-
So far as 1 can learn.
/ love the ants and spiders,
The daddy-long-legs, too,
That chase through all the victuals
And nestle in my shoe.
Those fuzzy caterpillars,
love 'em. they're so cute.
I love to sit down on 'em
And spoil my two-piece suit.
I love to pack the dishes
And lug EN- back to town,
When ~everybody's grouchy
And can do nought but frown.
] love the dear mosquitoes
That raise large bumps on me.
There's class to such an outing
'Tis very plain to see.
Don't l love the family picnics
In some sequestered spot?
Oh. yes indeed. Myrtilla.
i certainly donor.
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-09-14
Easily Told.

From the Houston Post.
"How do you know that your daughters
music is Improving"
The neighbors are getting more friend.
ly."
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-09-14
SOME HOT WEATHER HINTS.

There IS no particular use i'm suf-
fering from the heat in the summer.
BY following any or all of the follow
ing Instructions YOU may get through
the lceated spell in the most supreme
sort OF comfort. You can rely on these
instructions as being absolutely re-
liable:
Spend the heated portion of the day,
from 9 a. m. to 6 p. M. driving about
through :ha shady lines in a high
power motor. A fast car can create a
breeze on tha sultriest day.
Take long cruises on the great lakes
on yoG: N.iyale yacht. Go away for
weeks at 81 time and enjoy the fresh
oMghiv refreshed and ready for the
winters York
Have q fine. large colonial cottage.
One can live in comfort there in the
hottest days. a large. we'll stocked
Ice box helps considerably. Motor boat
Ing on the bay is Il fine hot weather
sport.
III YOU must stay at home wear
pajamas and sit out under the trees
and do no work of amy sort. 1t is the
working thing that heats Il person all
up. Cut it out.
A long ocean cruise is a splendid hot
weather recreation. One can start on
the first OF June and get back on the
first of October. There are regular
cruises to all parts of the world.
A chateau in the Lake Superior
region is not so bad. 1T is ALWAYS cool
up there.
Come to think about it. there is no
reason ut all why you should suffer
from the heat with so many venue of
escape cOnStantly omen.
The Washington times., 1911-01-21
Old Embroidery Good
To Make Shirt Waists

Not antique embroidery-that is too
valuable TO touch a finger to-but old
embroidery, or, rather. the perfectly
good embroidery on old table linen,
traycloths, bureau scarfs, and the like
can be very we'll utilized for shirt
waists.
Choose pieces where the embroidery
is heavy land. of course, worked IL
white silk or thread. Cut 1t out care
fully around the edges and get enough
white naiHsoOk or sheer linen for a
lingerie blouse. On this draw stems
and tendrils, after first sewing down
the flowers and leaves You have cut
out. Cover the raw edges by couching
down with embroidery silk. Now work
in your drawn lines with outline stitch.
After the sewing is finished Gt should
be held in an embroidery frame) sponge
the back with clean water and press
with hot iron. Do this before taking
out of the frame.
Your blouse is now ready for making,
and very pretty one 1t will be- OF
course, heavy embroidery may be trans
ferred in this way just as we'll from
another older blouse.
The Washington times., 1911-01-21
Transferring Patterns
Onto Final Material

It is easy enough to transfer. a pat
tern by tracing, but the question Is
then how to get it on your material
A variety of solutions is offered. Some
persons simply put the design over the
material and sew it with the machine
needle unthreaded. This is all right for
materials where the needle pricks will
not show later, but will not hold for all
Another method is to run it through
and then remove the thread, but this,
too, is indistinct in dark-colored back
grounds. Rather better Is the use of
a knitting needle or a blunt point of
some kind pressed hard upon the de-
sign.
"Why the necessity for any Of this?"
YOU may ask Cannot you trace
design directly on the fabrics?" Yes, OF
course: but sometimes you have not the
material at hand-in copying a design
from a friend, etc.-Sr you may wish to
impress the pattern upon more than one
piece Of material at once. II is well
to keep these various methods in mind
and to utilize them when necessary.
The Washington times., 1911-01-21
II Little Bedtime Tales By EDITH HAvENs y
THE BANQUET OF THE CHIPMUNKS.

"AIl right" shouted the children, and
out OF the great trunk-hole and down
the tree they scampered.
The snow on the ground was a bit
cold at first, but they did not mind, and
up one tree and down another they ran.
shouting in every chipmunk hole they
could find.
1t was already beginning to get dark.
and presently from every chipmunk
home there fairly poured great and lit
tie chipmunks. Each carried grain and
nuts and other things, and they were
headed straight for the old oak tree
where the King Chipmunk lived.
In the meantime the King Chipmunk
had not been idle. He had built a huge
fire underneath the tree. and as If by
magic the snow had melted away.
How merry the brown little fellows
were. 1t was good to stretch their legs
after the lorg sleep. And how the food
did pile up as each little family ar
rived.
The last to arrive were the Kings
children, and then everything was ready
TO start.
Would you not liked to have peeked
in through the trees and seen this won
derful gathering?
They were eating now. and between
mouthfuls they sang funny little chip
munk songs.
Had they not earned this good time
after working so hard all summer long?