davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Progressive West Virginian. [volume] (Williamson, W. Va.) 1911-1913, 1911-06-15
M45f,1ILE S5
uNcoNvENrIoNALITIEs.


Shaking hands with you. Biobbs.
ts like handling catfish"
I've heard you tell that story .
dozen times, Mugsleton. but guess !
can stand It again; 60 ahead.
What Are you q church member
Squallops never should have sus-
pected IT." n
Yes. thought I'd come and call on
you, Mrs. Gigglethorpe, and get that
worry on my mind /.
I'D ask you to stay and take din
ner with us. old chap, only I'm afraid
you'd do It.
Papa was asking me the other DAY.
Mr.. Hankinson. II thought you nad
any serious intentions, and didn't
know what to tell him.
How odd your hands look, Philip
You must have been using soap on
them!"
The Progressive West Virginian. [volume] (Williamson, W. Va.) 1911-1913, 1911-06-15
Tnat MIGHT Be endorsement.

It was during hot spell and on
the hottest night OF the week that q
South side teacher took number Of
her little charges for q car ride. IN
the public square they piled out and
were marched to the telescope set up
by man who vends peeps at the
heavenly bodies at so much per peep.
The children were told that they
might look at the moon, little dec
ture accompanying the lesson that the
moon was a cold body.
Teacher spoke up one little
South slider, when you look through
the glass, does your face get cold ="
Cleveland Leader.
The Progressive West Virginian. [volume] (Williamson, W. Va.) 1911-1913, 1911-06-15
WHEN A..MAN
| ,MARQIfS F% S5
!. gpE0RlIIY l2O[ Bs[I1lS [l1cGaa[[ z0ilA[AT Il
sCALIy70R.%.T TIE CIRCULAR STAIRCASE
.ITiE. NAN IN, LOWER TEN, ETC
30665-fzERRlxk s(t2H9aNI~

tone. Go to your room and leave
this--this shocking affair to me-"
But II she had reached her limit, SC
had l. If Jim chose to ruin himself,
1t was not my fault. Any one with
common sense would have known at
least to close the door before he
went down on bis. knees, no matter to
whom. So when Aunt Selma turned
on me and pointed in the direction OF
the staircase, did not move.
I am perfectly wide awake" said
coldly. Il shall go to bed when /
am entirely ready, and not before.
And as for Jim's conduct, do not
know much about the conventions in
such cases. but If he wishes to en-
brace Miss Knowles, and she wants
him to, the situation Is interesting.
but hardly novel"
Aunt Selma rose slowly and drew
the folds Of her dressing gown around
her, away from the contamination Of
my touch.
DO you know what you are say
ing?" she demanded hoarsely.
1 do. was quite white and stiff
from my knees up, but below was
wavery. | glanced at Jim for moral
support. but he was looking idola-
trously at Bella. AS for her, quite
suddenly she had dropped her mask
of Indifference. Her face was strain
ed and anxious, and there were deep
circles had not seen before, under
her eyes. And 1t was Bella who final
ally threw herself into the breach
the family breach.
1T is all my fault, Miss Caruthers,"
she said, stepping between Aunt Sc
lima and myself. Il have been blind
and wicked woman, and have almost
wrecked two lives"
Two! What of mine? :.
you see" she struggled on. against
the CLINT in Aunt Selina's eyes. IL
The Progressive West Virginian. [volume] (Williamson, W. Va.) 1911-1913, 1911-06-15
Screwed Up Their Courage.

screwed UP tncir courage.
1t was the hour of family conf
dences. Mr.. Buggins had finished his
evening papers. and in slippers and
dressing gown was toasting his toes
before the asbestos fire log. while the
wife of his bosom was putting few
stitches in the table cover she was
doing for Aunt Mary. and which she
hoped to have finished by Christmas
Il did something today that I've
been screwing up my courage to do
for a long time" said Mrs. Buggins.
"Yes?" said Mr.. Buggins. mildly in
terested. What was it?"
"You know that odions Mrs
Bjones?" replied Mrs. Buggins- -Well,
I paid her call that l have owed for
nearly a year.
my dear, ] can sympathize with
you" said Mr.. Buggins. To-day, by
strange coincidence paid that
odious Mr. B1ones a bin ! had owed
him Tor quite as tong /"
The Progressive West Virginian. [volume] (Williamson, W. Va.) 1911-1913, 1911-06-15
Kissing Breach Of Peace.

The better half Of a respected citi-
zen Of New Jersey recently had the
temerity to hale her lord and master
before the court on a charge Of having
kissed her against her WILL For this
heinous offense this shameless Jersey
benedict was bonded over In $100, bail
to keep the peace, and, moreover.
was warned by the Judge never again
to kiss his wife without first obtaining
her consent in due form. II he Is any
kind Of a man, probably he will never
want to kiss her again. Washington
Herald.
The Progressive West Virginian. [volume] (Williamson, W. Va.) 1911-1913, 1911-06-15

A friendly sort Of fellow.
Who had winning smile:
His maner was 80 cordial
80 pleasing all the while.
You would have thought him worthy
OF every confidence:
man above all selfish aims.
All folly and pretense
His garments they were faultless,
Soft-spoken were his words:
He might have been poet
Who loved the blooms and birds.
But since he's left the city
And ta'en his oily tongue.
OH bark! oh, bark what's this we heart
chorus crying. "Stungi''
The Progressive West Virginian. [volume] (Williamson, W. Va.) 1911-1913, 1911-06-15
An Eve il the Future.

Good morning, ma'am. Can't I sell
you a preparation warranted to Kill
RATS and nicer
I think not: there hasn't been q
rat or mouse on the premises for
more than two years
You'll have some before long. I've
Just sold the neighbors on both sides
Of you some stun they wanted to kill
of your seven cats with. and it'll do
1t, ma'am.''
The Progressive West Virginian. [volume] (Williamson, W. Va.) 1911-1913, 1911-06-15

ResinoI Ointment Can BE Depended
Upon
In all cases Of eruptive and irritable
skin diseases. The most obstinate
cases Of eczema, herpes, letter, bar
ber's itch. as well as the simple
rashes, chaflngs and sores Of child
hood are readily cured by this reli-
able remedy. 1t stops the intense
pain Of q burn or scald Immediately.
It is also specific In itching piles.
giving instantaneous relief from all
irritation At all drug stores.
The Progressive West Virginian. [volume] (Williamson, W. Va.) 1911-1913, 1911-06-15
Amazon n fhe kItcher,.

Does your husband find fault with
the cooking?s asked the patient look
| ing woman.
NO. replied Mrs. Crosslots. He
| did so Just once-and the cook hap
pened to overhear him"
The Progressive West Virginian. [volume] (Williamson, W. Va.) 1911-1913, 1911-06-15
The Last Resort.

Brother John (who is stduying to
be doctor) Say, you know some
thing about chemistry. II you were
called to a person who had just taken
a dose Of arsenic what would you ad.
minister?
Brother Bill (who Is studying Tor
the ministry The sacrament CO.
lumbia Jester.
The Progressive West Virginian. [volume] (Williamson, W. Va.) 1911-1913, 1911-06-15
Mr.. Spiffkins."
..I,m Really very deaf: would You
Seemed Queer.

Yes. I'm brewer" said the fiorid
faced person, "and I'm doing big
business. said when Istruck this lit
tie old town that I'd get my share
Of the trade. and I'm making good"
That's the curious part Of it." OBJ
served the man with the dubious nose.
You're not making good beer. you
know"
The Progressive West Virginian. [volume] (Williamson, W. Va.) 1911-1913, 1911-06-15

most terrible way. ana asked me hCa
dared to come between husband and
wife. because divorce or no divorce.
whom God hath joined together. and
80 on. And when Jim picked UP hia
courage in both hands and tried to
interfere. she pushed him back with
one hand while she pointed the other
at me and called me Jezebel.
The Progressive West Virginian. [volume] (Williamson, W. Va.) 1911-1913, 1911-06-15
Satisfactorily Explained.

IF Won are looking for bargains"
said the broker, Il can suit you. /
can offer you some stock at ten cents
q share
But why are they SO cheap?" de-
manded the lady, shopper.
You see, they have been slightly
damaged by water z
The Progressive West Virginian. [volume] (Williamson, W. Va.) 1911-1913, 1911-06-15
DRAWING the Line.
ment busine

Il don't find anything to eat" said
the man of the house; "my wife's
away from home. But here's q harem
skirt that belongs to her. Maybe you
can raise enough on that to get q
square meal"
A flush mantled the grimy cheek OF
Tuffold Knutt.
Mister" he said. stifhy turning
away. Il amt wot you'd call pros
p'rous citizen. but I've got some pride
LETT"
The Progressive West Virginian. [volume] (Williamson, W. Va.) 1911-1913, 1911-06-15
Quite .rrue.

Quite True.
What do you think that madcas
Gladys said when persuaded her u
read Dante's Inferno to improve her
faster"
4 What was it?'
y That It was such pity there wers
no postcards in those days. for pio
lures Of Dante's journey would havs
been such hot stun
The Progressive West Virginian. [volume] (Williamson, W. Va.) 1911-1913, 1911-06-15
ono to study over.

Mrs Old BluddeI hear You have
very fine colonial furniture in the
house you have rented?
Mrs. Newrich-I don't know, ma'am:
but we've been to Cologne and !
never saw any like It there.
The Progressive West Virginian. [volume] (Williamson, W. Va.) 1911-1913, 1911-06-15

The tramp who was tola to xaJ
nothing apd saw wood the next morn
ing knocked at another door but SAX
nothing BECAUSE be saw wped-
The Progressive West Virginian. [volume] (Williamson, W. Va.) 1911-1913, 1911-06-15
Its Diagnosis.

It's DIdHHoStS,
What would you say il my sailor
admirer told me the furs he present
ed to me had one from the neighbor-
hood Of the north po1e?'
4 would say that the story was
what the furs are not Z
What's that?'
"Far-fetched."
The Progressive West Virginian. [volume] (Williamson, W. Va.) 1911-1913, 1911-06-15
/ Base BAL, Achievement.

What though our club has often missed
High rank in an athletic way,
This year 1t surely leads the list
For pyrotechnical display.
The Progressive West Virginian. [volume] (Williamson, W. Va.) 1911-1913, 1911-06-15
Merely a Suspicion.

IF SO many noblemen who come
over here are broke. how do thsI
manage to get across the water?"
~Don't know. I'm sure. but rye
seen waiters on board transatlantic
liners who had quite an air.
The Progressive West Virginian. [volume] (Williamson, W. Va.) 1911-1913, 1911-06-15
Probably NOT contaaIous.

NaggusWhy do you get out your
book anonymously? In your case mod
esty is disease:
Hokus- Then 1t isn't one of my nat
.ural. normal qualities. 3. thanks.
The Progressive West Virginian. [volume] (Williamson, W. Va.) 1911-1913, 1911-06-15
More to the Purpos

More to the Purpose.
Little Boy (crying) Boohoo! The
police got my goat.
Police Investigation Witness (mourn-
fully That's nothing. They got mine.
too!
The Progressive West Virginian. [volume] (Williamson, W. Va.) 1911-1913, 1911-06-15
THE Way.

Katherine Was that big temper
ance meeting last week the means Of
making many sweArSpff?
Kidder oh, yes. Over hundred
men, who never drank In their lives.
took the pledge.
The Progressive West Virginian. [volume] (Williamson, W. Va.) 1911-1913, 1911-06-15
PerfectIna HIS italian.

Mrs. McClaugh Is your son goin' to
school now, Mrs McGooghan?
Mrs. McGooghan No. sure he's
t'rew wild the English branches He's
perfectin' his Italian now
"Where?''
~Helpin' dig a sewer down on the
road beyant."
The Progressive West Virginian. [volume] (Williamson, W. Va.) 1911-1913, 1911-06-15
House cIeaninc PhiIosophv.

What's intuition, pa
Intuition, my son, Is being able to
tap on parior wall with a hammer
and know just where to drive q pic
ture nail.
The Progressive West Virginian. [volume] (Williamson, W. Va.) 1911-1913, 1911-06-15
Business Affection.

Our neighbours wife always keeps
a box Of fine cigars and invariably
slips one in her husband $ pocket when
she kisses him good-by in the morn
iv,xr - Aaf
The Progressive West Virginian. [volume] (Williamson, W. Va.) 1911-1913, 1911-06-15
Could 1t Have Been7

Aunt Mary, this is my friend. Mr..
Spiffkins.'
I'm sorry. didn't quite catch the
name"
Mr.. Spiffkins."
I'm really very deaf; would you
mind repeating it,"
Mr.. Spiffkins"
I'm afraid must give It up-it
sounds to me just like .Spiffkins.' -
Punch.
The Progressive West Virginian. [volume] (Williamson, W. Va.) 1911-1913, 1911-06-15

Lazy Empioyee-I wasn't hired TO do
that &. I,
Brisk Empioyer-Maybe not. bu<
you are discharged for not doing 4
The Progressive West Virginian. [volume] (Williamson, W. Va.) 1911-1913, 1911-06-15
Just Waiting.

do you feel all run down.
We'll, the autos are pretty lively
about my way. but I'm lodging them
yet
The Progressive West Virginian. [volume] (Williamson, W. Va.) 1911-1913, 1911-06-15

Smart Do you think the colleges
turn out the best men?
Wise Sure. / was turned ont In
my sophomore year.
The Progressive West Virginian. [volume] (Williamson, W. Va.) 1911-1913, 1911-06-15
WILLING to Assist.

New Son-in-Law-Ahem! You re-
member. Mr.. Oldchapp. you said that
after we were married you would as
sist me In the matter Of furnishing q
house.
Mr.. oldchapp Certainly. my boy.
certainly. Come around the corner
with me, and Ill introduce you to a
friend Of mine who is in the Install
ment business.
The Progressive West Virginian. [volume] (Williamson, W. Va.) 1911-1913, 1911-06-15
1n,nor@a,,4 - Nno<v,ors
Not His Field.

Not His Field.
Doctor, Is it true that Welsh rab-
bits are unhealthy?"
4 don't know. I was never called
In to attend one"
The Progressive West Virginian. [volume] (Williamson, W. Va.) 1911-1913, 1911-06-15
Al pomestic Gabriel.

Al Domestic Gabriel.
Mrs KawlerIs Mrs. Brown at
home =. ~ NJ,
Servant Yes, mum. She's at home.
but she's a-layin' down. Shall rise
herr
The Progressive West Virginian. [volume] (Williamson, W. Va.) 1911-1913, 1911-06-15

"Humph! Loving, nothing! She
does it SO he won't forget to mail her
letters
The Progressive West Virginian. [volume] (Williamson, W. Va.) 1911-1913, 1911-06-15

What loving little WHEY she
The Washington times., 1911-01-31
NORMAL SCHOOL
GIRLS BAR MEN
Despite Bribes Male Friends
Not Allowed at
Playlet.

A brief excursion of normal school
girls into the field Of amateur theat-
ricals started all sorts of trouble at
the Franklin school this morning.
Beauty and the Beast" was the
drama offered and the beauty roles
seven of them-were taken by Normal
School maidens, while those horrid
men downstairs who wanted to get a
peep played the part of the beasts.
It was to be a quiet and strictly
chubby affair. No mere man was to be
admitted, for the costumes according
to one girl who saw and told. were OF
the filmy woodland variety.
After considerable debate 1t was de-
cided to invite A. T. Stuart, superin-
tendent of schools, because he Is an
elderly. fatherly gentleman, put no
other school officials were to be al
lowed.
When their disbarment was notsed
abroad Miss Goding. principal OF the
school, Immediately was besieged by ap-
plications for admission. Some OF them
came from young men stenoSraphers,
some from school officials. Miss God
ing wouldn't mention any names.
Young women guards were placed al
the top OF the stairs leading to the
hall where the playlet was on, and they
withstood cajolery, bribery. and various
other perSuaSiVes noply. Mr. Stuart
said the performance was worth seeing.
The Washington times., 1911-01-31
FINAL CANAL FAIR
FIGHT ON IN HOUSE
Representative Moore Pre-
sentS Claims of Washing
ton to Colleagues.

The final battle between New Orleans
and San Francisco for tie Panama ex-
position, so far as the House is con-
cerned, was begun shortly after noon
today. That intense interest was mani
tested was evidenced by the fact that
Avery seat in the galleries was taken
long before the House was called to
order by Speaker Cannon. The interest
Of the gallery visitors also was indf-
Gated by the freGuent applause given
TO speakers favoring one city or the
other, and Speaker Cannon for the
time being did not attempt to enforce
the rule prohibiting demonstration from
the galleries.
San Francisco won a partial victory in
the manner in which the subject was
presented to the House. Under the rule
brought to the House. Under the rule
House was instructed to indicate which
resolution it desired to vote on first.
Washingtons claim was presented by
Representative Moore of Pennsylvania,
who asked If he could vote for Wash
ington instead of San Francisco or New
orleans. Speaker Cannon announced
that any member could cast his vote
for any city in the United States.
While The principle argument made
by the advocates of San Francisco was
that the courage of the citizens of that
city in rebuilding after the earthquake
entitled them to celebrate with an inter
national exposition, Representative
Gardner of Massachusetts. a member of
the Industrial Arts and Expositions
Committee, made his fight for San
Francisco on the ground that the Gov
ernment under the terms of the Es-
tOpinal resolution would be responsible
for the financial success or failure of
the New Orleans exposition.
On the other hand, he said, the Gov
crnment would be in no way obligated
under the terms of the resolution Civ
ing the exposition to San Francisco.
BY the terms of the New Orleans
BILL" said Mr.. Gardner, through a
commission appointed by the President,
the United States is charged with the
duty of rendering the final decision on
the most important questions connected
with establishing and conducting the
exposition. No disclaimer, such as is
contained in the text of this measure,
can operate for our relief from financial
liabilities. On the other hand, l shall
be glad to cast my vote for San Fran
cisco. 1t violates no fundamental prHn-
Cipal; it calls for no expense on the
part of the Government; its sole effect
is to permit the President to act as
a medium for the transmission of an
invitation to foreign countries
The Washington times., 1911-01-31

The tariff commission bill reached the
Senate this afternoon about l o'clock
while the river and harbor bill was be-
ing discussed.
Senator Beveridge was opposed to re-
ferring 1t to the Finance Committee,
and asked that it lie on the table. Sen
ator Bailey insisted that it would have
to go to the Finance Committee, and
sought to shut off debate by calling for
the regular order. After a short ex-
change between Senators Beveridge and
Bailey the bill was left lying on the
table alr' discussion of the river and
harbor bill was resumed, but there Is
no doubt that the tariff commission
measure will be sent to the Finance
Committee. Senator Bailey was espe-
cialIy fnslstent on this. and indicated
purpose to fight the passage of the bill
TO the utmost.
The probabilities are the bill will
rot be allowed to pass the Senate this
session. An element In the Senate Is
determined to block it II possible.
Has Powerful Support.
On the other hand. there is powerful
and aggressive support for tariff COM
mission legislation. 1t proceeds from
the insurgent Senators, from Repub-
lican regulars who are generally found
in support of the Administration, and
from some of the Democrats. In
surgents say they do not intend to allow
the tariff commission bill to be put to
sleep If they can prevent 1t. They fear
the Finance Committee will take the
bill and refuse to report it out, or will
refuse to report it until so late in the
session that it will be impossible to pass
it. For this reason, the insurgents will
bring pressure to have the Finance
Committee report the bill early.
Fight In the House.
The bill creates a permanent tariff
commission of five members, which has
been persistently advocated by President
Taft.
The House at a midnight session and
by a vote of 1856 to SO, authorized the
creation of a permanent tariff board
last night. The closing hours of the de-
bate, which had lasted since o'clock
in the afternoon, were marked with
charges of a filibuster against the Dem
ocrats, who in turn charged the Re-
publican leaders with attempting to en-
force the old-time gag rule when Mr..
Payne demanded the previous question
at II o'clock.
But two Republicans, Representatives
Gaines and Hubbard of West Virginia,
voted against the bill on it's final pas
The Washington times., 1911-01-31
CAPITAL TRACTION
DIVIDENDS $4,000
Four Killed and SIG Hurt in
Year, According to
Report.

Four were killed and 576 persons were
injured In accidents on the Capital
Traction Company's system in the past
year, according to the annual report
Of the company. submitted to the Sen
ate this afternoon.
The report embodies the financial
statement of the company. which shows
that gross receipts amounted to 81
6I5,S52. The operating expenses totaled
$,101,9S8. Total dividends were $4,000,
and the paid up capital IS $12,OO0OOO.
The report gives the number Of revenue
passengers carried within the year as
61,307, 1872. This is exclusive of the trans
fer passengers, which amounted to
more than 100000. Appended to the
report is list of the stockholders.
The report of the East Washington
Heights Traction Railroad Company
was submitted. 1t shows the receipts
for the year were S,254.
The Washington times., 1911-01-31
NO DELAY IN PAYING
TEACHERS SALARIES
Extra Force to Be Employed
to Get Out Monthly
Checks.

Washington school teachers will not
have to wait for their pay until the
middle of each month If James F. Oys-
ter, president of the Board of Educa-
ton, has his way.
When the announcement was made
that substitute teachers would be paid
by the District and not by regular
teachers, the word went forth that this
would necessitate holding the payrolls
until the close of each month, and that
the subsequent computation by Secre-
tary Harry Hine and his assistants and
the verification by the District AUDITOR s
office would make it likely that the
teachers would not get their money
until the middle of each month.
Captain Oyster yesterday called into
conference Secretary Hine and ordered
him to use his entire force to get out
the payrolls and to engage extra men
for night work, If necessary.
II have investigated the methods of
disburslng officers in the vaSious Gov
eminent departments said Captain
Oyster, "and found that no such delay
Is necessary there. 1t should not be
necessary in our secretarys office, and
mean to see that the work there is
done within a reasonable time
In his effort to hurry teachers pay
the president of the board will have
the aid of AlonZo Tweedale, Auditor Of
the District
The Auditor said no delay will be al
lowed in the payment of teachers after
the rolls reach his office. More work
is required on them by the new sys-
tenn, but he will assign as many clerk
as needed to them in order to get them
completed in the quickest possible time.
1t is not thought that teachers will have
to wait longer than the 5thJ OF each
month for their salaries.
The Washington times., 1911-01-31
Herbert v. Sanford
Fatally Stricken

Herbert v. Sanford. well-known build
er, and golf enthusiast, died suddenly
early this morning. He was stricken
with acute indigestion shortly after
midnight. while at his home, 1857 IrV-
ing street. Death came in about an
hour. No funeral services will be held
in this city. The body will be taken to
Boston. where services will be followed
by burial.
Mr.. Sandford was identified with many
commercial organizations of this city,
among them being the Builders Ex-
change. He was a member of the Co
lumbia Golf Club, and took part In
much Of the real estate activities of
the city. Mr.. Sandford came to this city
about ten years ago. Among the large
buildings of the city which Mr.. Sanford
erected are Senator Nixons residence
and the Chesley building. q
Mr.. Sandford is survived only by hfs
wife.
The Washington times., 1911-01-31
Promotions Are Made in
Postoffice Department

Notice of the promotion of c. B. An
derson from the office OF assistant su-
perintendent OF railway mail service to
that of inspector-in-charge at ST. Louis,
Mo, went forward from the office OF
Postmaster General Hitchcock today.
Mr.. Anderson will succeed Walter S.
Mayer, who has been transferred 10
the position of auditor for the postoffiCe
at New York city. Mr.. Anderson was
appointed to the Government service
originally from Louisiana in 1S99 and
has served practically the entire period
as inspector in the Southern States.