davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Omaha daily bee., 1911-12-30

"on both sides of question, talks sea,
I've declared for everybody who might declare
But somehow they didn't like goat
So for heavens sake, dear Billy
Said Billy B. to Billy T.. sot-eher Bill, o. k
but II you want this New York
I'VE got to can this hoar stuff this Rooseyeltan
That sounds like thunder nothing less than pun
mo T. r. stunts get support of mine
MY Policies must be cut out h be n line"
And then Bill b. leaned back still
As Bill T. gosned and heaved meekly said 81 wl
Omaha daily bee., 1911-12-30
Dinkelspiel on Greatness
BY GEORGE v. HOBART.

Und set TO splegel; Well, Max. vas
discussloning NIT some friends last night
abouid dis fever vioh broke ouid in der
newspapers lately aboud who is der
twenty greatest men vleh der world has
known. alretty. You haf ideas on such
a supcheekg perhaps Mnx-yes?'
"sure" set spiegel
und | set TO spiegel: "Ot course you
haf, Max, und you VIII keep dem, like
you keep eferydlng else. l vas talking
init Oscar Bauerschmidt and Rudolph
Katz about IT,, Oscar set dot Goethe und
Schiller vas cubble OF der twenty, be.
cause poetry vas vuh OF der luXuries Of
life und Goethe und Schiller spiashed
ouid so much poetry dot efen der poor
could haf dis luxury. Rudolph set dot
Bismarck should be aboIid eight OF der
twenty. because he made var so success
fully dot he made peace a necessity"
''Sure" set spiegel.
Und set 10 Splegel: Den Oscar
moved TO inclusion Richard Wagner I'm der
list, because moosio hath cherms TO sood
der sayago's breast, vieh vas accepted.
Den l coaxed dem both down to der
steamboat und We came across TO Amer
lea, ware picked ouid Tom Edison, be-
cause any brain dot has room In II for
an incandescent lamp und a set OF con-
crete furniture is a big vun. Oscar picked
oud der Wright brothers, because vile
an airshlp doand always go ware It is
pointed still It Is goot eggserese for der
neck. We vas yust mentioning der names
Of many udder fsmousers ven key
Rosenthal. der pa wnbroker, added him
self TO der party. ! vent ofer der matter
Omaha daily bee., 1911-12-30
Ballads Of Broadway Bill
The LOnesomest Lady
BY DAMON RUNYAN.

night
Gliding along her with the footmen
n
all
For I've before wlntry
in fronto Of he Of a
That bazed with he
millions; to
al
Broadway he laughed
Omaha daily bee., 1911-12-30
The Suppliant
by II. II. PORTER.
By Tad

Said Billy T, Billy b., he report,
Il old chap in l919 I'll needy your support.
You have. IL seems just ninety within the c.. o p,
SO be a OF them for me.
II need 'em Bill, believe need bad
That nomination thing fail be a al
I'll do most anything &C any part,
II you will only you a heart.
1T amt though haven't tried
I've travelled thousand miles
I've stuffed at thousand
And yet somehow or other they have he In a stew
Omaha daily bee., 1911-12-30

her, II she is utterly
unskilled in do
mestic arts, and
Can O.Ii.s nOs44.s4S
but a few perish
able good looks to
to the making of
a happy home?
When a young
man who wants to
marry a girl has
his memorable in
terview with papa
on the subject, II
papa has a grain Of
sense In his head
he asks the suitor:
Can you support
my daughter in the
style in which she
has been accus-
toned TO live?" And
before the young
Omaha daily bee., 1911-12-30

init key und asked him for his choice.
key fought vile und den he set: Veil,
dem rs all great mems but dare vAa vun
fellow greater. doan'd know his name,
but whoever der guy vas dot inventioned
compound interest-he gets my vote,
yes"
"sure" set Splegel.
ID. D1NKELSPIEI..
Omaha daily bee., 1911-12-30

She's hunted humans on the streets
And coyotes on the plains,
She's vaulted creeks and scattered C,
She's laughed at SHOWS and rains;
There's not a place she cannot go,
A thing she cannot do;
And don't forget she costs me less
Than car fares used TO do,
"Tve run her up a flight of stairs,
And through twelve-foot pane;
I've broken records all the way
From Yellowstone to Maine.
/ always balk at taking dust
And sixty miles an hour
Is just about my normal speed
Not using extra power"
Omaha daily bee., 1911-12-30

You know Kibble?"
Yes"
Perhaps you know that when you hold
out bunch Of cigars TO him he is pretty
sure TO take them all?'
i've heard 80"
We'll had a lot OF bad cigars IN my
desk and this morning held them out
to Klbble."
''Yes7"
HE said he'd quit smoking. "-Cleveland
Plain Dealer.
Omaha daily bee., 1911-12-30
His Wonderful Car
BY PERCY SHAW.

met him at a neighbors house,
And thus he said his say;
i've raced my car ten thousand miles,
She's good as new today;
There's not hill she cannot climb
Nor mud hole she can't scorn;
And all the. while no change of tire
And engine scarcely worn.
Omaha daily bee., 1911-12-30

WIN n next l met my auto friend
Efls wife was at-his side;
Me pushed an ample baby cart
And twins reposed inside;
] heard their weary mother say
As on they slowly strayed,
Il wonder II you'n ever earn
Enough to hire a maid?"
Omaha daily bee., 1911-12-30

What qualification-beyond soulful eyes
and peaches and cream complexion
should a girl have for matrimony? Should
girl be permitted TO marry, just be-
- fool enough to ask
Omaha daily bee., 1911-12-30

The fellow who Is always borrowing our
money is almost as great a nuisance as
the fellow who never has any to lend us.
Omaha daily bee., 1911-12-30
MHo PUT DAAT
SPUD IN Nh SOCK -"

NE HAVE ANEN JH1N
ENER| NEEk bUT
REHEhRSE ERY MoRh
At & lpLA>f 2 PARTY
An oLp MO MAI Ar1o me
HERO. NE REtERRSE
TIT ORE THEN PUT =
Omaha daily bee., 1911-12-30

HA-HA. I'VE GOT a JoFT
JOB NOW ~ A 5Tptk
co MpAnN OVER ~
NTB 1ORS. .ApoNT
3hoW v3 TILL 6 IN
me MoRhING~
Omaha daily bee., 1911-12-30

WILLIAM! TAKE YOUR
FEET OUT OF nAEi OVEN.
Omaha daily bee., 1911-12-30

or AMAT1HeE T1+ArS
OVER BY 500. THEM A
~ 6ttT 1HoW OVER Attn.
MR ! 60 10 Ms AHO
SUoY mn LinEJ Fox
IRe 1How NEY1 WEEs
ef5 IN JoUhp ALEEp
Omaha daily bee., 1911-12-30

iltld
Ottumwa tri-weekly courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1903-1916, 1911-12-19
a CHRISTMAS FABLE.
isn't considered necessary.

~ HREE days before Christmas, as
the Gobber was struttlng about
- the farmyard, he observed the
tanner taking a view Of him, and he
assumed still prouder gait. Finally
he was asked:
do you find yourself run down in
health?"9
why. not at ALL was the reply.
You don't look as fat as you did"
But / have gained right along"
Il feared you had lost your appe-
tite." -. lat $
ION tie contrary. I am hungry all
the time
Then you call yourself in good
Trim. do you?"
Say, don't you worry about me.
There's nothing on this farm to take
tile shine off me-"
An hour later the Gobbicr met the
Peacock and asked:
Has the Boss been asking after
Your health?"
Ottumwa tri-weekly courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1903-1916, 1911-12-19

an morning about two weeks be-
fore Christmas I wake myself up
" at seven o'clock and dress and
wash and suddenly appear before
mother In the kitchen as she is cook
ing the breakfast.
Mercy on me. but who is this"
she gasps.
Darling mother. it is, I. your lit
tie Johnny I reply. >og.
But didn't have to call you
seven times and then 60 up and throw
water in your face
NO, darling mother, your Johnny
10y will not put you to that trouble
Ottumwa tri-weekly courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1903-1916, 1911-12-19
4 EP4GE on ELZY "---
JOHNNY,S CHRISTMAS WAY.

son to you, mother. Hereafter ! wash
the dishes. sweep the floors make
the beds. carry In the coal, and leave
YOU nothing to do blu, sit In chair
with your feet up and read The
Three Musketeers.' Too long have I
been q reckless, careless boy"
Then mother drops the frying-pan
and hugs and kisses mo and tells ia
,ther and the neighbors what great
change has come over me. and when
Christmas morning dawns behold!
have Ave Santa Claus presents in one
stocking and six in the other.
: t.*&4.Sr G-l. l,t JOE KERR.
Ottumwa tri-weekly courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1903-1916, 1911-12-19
SANTA CLAUS PRESENTS.
Il AND over the United States to
the Beef Trust. E.-L
- Hand Mr.. Taft few more.


the Beef Trust. ~.
- Hand Mr.. Taft few more.
Hand Mr.. Roosevelt Teddy Bear.
Hand the Panama Canal another
big cut.
~ Hand the Steel Trust another law
yer or two
Hand the potato SPECTATORS six
months each.
Hand the coal man the exact
change for 1900 pounds.
Hand Senator Bailey another check
from the Standard Oil Co.
Hand your grocer the pure food
act. (And see him SMILEY
Hand out the snow shovels and talk
Of the Benefits of exercise.
Hand your wife fifty cents for a
joke.
Hand Aldrich tariff on turnips
and make hin, chew on it.
Hand over the ticket for your over
coat.
Hand the street car conductor
dollar and get 90 cents back.
Hand out to the barber, the boot
black, the elevator boy, the messen-
ger boy, the milkman the letter car.
rier, the cook, the second girl, the ash
man, the garbage man, the policeman
and the grocer's boy. Hang 1t man,
don't be Christmas ci,u.np!
JOE KERR.
Ottumwa tri-weekly courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1903-1916, 1911-12-19

as; Not a word"
Il Gle seems worried about me. Asked
me lot Of questions az to my plump
ness and SO on. It makes one proud
to have such q kind MASTER
The day after Christmas the Gan,
der met the Peacock and asked:
Fly the way, what has become Of
our old friend, the Gobbler 2"
why, the Boss got solicitous about
5hisscondition the other day"
Yes"
"And being afraid he might not
live till New Years, had him roasted
for yesterday"
Moral.
When others seem to be Worrying
for us they may be preparing to eat
US.
7,', JOE KERR.
Ottumwa tri-weekly courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1903-1916, 1911-12-19
a Thankful Christmas.

In II Christmas is all right in it's
way, but we don't make much
|O fuss over IT." replied the Long
|Island farmer as mentioned the day.
Just have goose dinner, eh?" I
|queried.
Yes. or pork and beans. There
WAS one Christmas. though, when we
had a. regular old spread and were
)tie thankfulest family in the State.
THAT was during the war"
"A long time ago." IA -.....
$50 it was. had a boy in the
rny, and CT course we were worry
lg about him all the time. Three days
efores Christmas we got letter that
he had been killed" .a.E
Ottumwa tri-weekly courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1903-1916, 1911-12-19

TOO bad! Killed at the front, was
he?" "
Yes, and you can imagine how we
felt the blow. Best son a father ever
had. I tell you it was hard" a.
And your Christmas was dreary
enough" -"
"Oh, no. We were whooping and
laughing all day Never felt so tick
led since I was born
Il don't exactly understand
"Why the day before Christmas we
got another letter. The writer of the
first had made a mistake. Instead
of our Tom being killed it was boy
from the other end Of the State.''
JOE KERR.
Ottumwa tri-weekly courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1903-1916, 1911-12-19

any more.
But you never yelled to me that
You couldn't find your stockings
"'No, mother zf a.,
"".And you've washed your face and
combed your HART =
Eyes, mother, and I'm ready to
set, the table and help you out. re-
alize how hard you have to work, and
from this on am going to make It
as light tor you as l can.
n "'Why-why, Johnny. I cant un-
derstand!' she says as the tears come
to her eyes.
- 1T Is that i want4,u be precious
Ottumwa tri-weekly courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1903-1916, 1911-12-19

WHAT HE'S GOING To GET.
Mother asked me what you wanted
for Christmas, and told her to give
you something for the house"
'tOh, you did. And what did you
select--a cut glass card receiver or a
pickle dish?''
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-07-06
"Thirty-six" Already Proved

Do you ask greater reliability in a motor
car? Probably model has ever received
more thorough testing before being offered to the
public.
Months ago-in November lo10-we COM
pleted the first three of the Thirty-six type.
One of these sent to Uniontown, Pa where
for four months we kept it going day in and day
out, up and down the celebrated Unontown
Hill and other Pennsylvania hills. Motorists
know there is no severer hill climbing test.
TLA second of these cars was sent to Florida,
whesa for weeks, it was driven through heavy
sand IL the hottest weather.
The third car, driven through the Middle West,
averaged 200 miles day for 5000 miles.
The motors for the new models were tested on
the block, running 1900 revolutions per minute,
"a hours day for weeks at time.
1t seems almost incredible, but it is the abso-
lutte truth, when tell you that in all of our
testing of this car and its motors we have never
broken down single motor, transmission, or
other vital part.
We have tested not only one car but number Of
them; have tested not only motor, but
many; we have not driven a few hundred miles,
but tens of thousands of miles.
And we have done all this so that we might be
able to stand behind absolute guarantee of all
parts of this for year and further guaran-
tee of Chalmers service
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-07-06
Buy a Beautiful Car

Eember this car has grace of line and
bal of finish which the costliest cars do not
esdthat it has given satisfactory service to
1.downers, that it is backed by the Chalmers
g,tee.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-07-06
Chalmers Self-starter

Greater convenience? The new Chalmers
compressed air selfstarter does away with the
last of the original Inconvenience of AUTOMOBILE
ing.
This starting device is built in the Chalmers
factory. 1t is not an accessory added to the car,
but essential feature With it there is need of
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-07-06
$50" Fully Equipped $500

ask you to remember these facts: The
liners $50" was the first genuine automobile
til at medium price. No car of equal value
ehas sold for the same price or for less.
member that this is the car which was driven
2niles day for one hundred days in success
slthat made the trip from Denver to Mexico
q that for two years won more contests in
1ktion to the number entered than any other
Chat has never been defeated by car of its
rhnd power; that holds the worlds light car
sdrecord; that won the hardest Glidden Tour
Use remember further that this is the car with
tfost advanced design; the car that has been
mWdely copied than any other.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-07-06

cranking. Any can now drive Chalmers
The compressed air of the self-starter can be
used for initiating tires
Convenience has been considered in little things,
too The control levers on both the fore-door
and torpedo bodies located inside the body.
The battery will be carried in the tool box on
the running board, where it is readily accessible.
A dash adjustment enables the driver to adjust
the carburetor without leaving his seat.
Consider These Details
AS to details of finish, we ask you to compare
the "Thrtysix" with any car selling up to $4,000.
Body fittings are of the luxurious type found on
high priced Black enamel finish instead of
brass is used on metal parts such as door handles,
coat rail, hinges, lamps, etc. An option of nickel
plating, at an extra cost of $50, is offered.
The ventilated dash is covered on the inside
with leather. The tonneau floor is covered with
cocoa mat The front foot board and the running
boards covered with dark gray linoleum.
Other details of construction which show the
expended on little things are: The beauti-
full doors, two handles on each door, permitting
opening from the inside; scuff plate on the fender
where it joins the running board; large, completely
equipped tool box the running board; smooth
finish of bonnet and Tenders, all rvet heads being
entirely concealed; improved Mercedes type honey
comb radiator such as you find on the high priced
Many other exclusive features you will
note when you examine the
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-07-06

gas lamps, top and windshield.
Think of it this year-rehned and improved in
every possible way with thoroughly ventilated
fore-door bodies, inside control, magnetic, gas
lamps, Prest- O-Lite tank, and including also
Chalmers mohair top and automatic windshield
for S15O0
We think you will agree that ''caims" are
unnecessary in view of such value at such price,
The facts are eloquent and convincing.
You have your choice of four or fve-passenger
bodies, and four color schemes. We ask you to
these at dealers. They now on
show. Deliveries to customers begin at once.
New Model "Thirty-six" $500
When we considered bringing out model,
the Chalmers Thirty sx,'' instructed our
engineers to build a four cylinder, fve-passenger
car that would leave absolutely nothing to be
desired.
We said we would fix the price when the car was
ready. We think that in the Chalmers Thirty
six'' we are offering that leaves nothing to
be desired.
What more could you ask in car than you are
able to get in this one?
More power perhaps? You really could not
use more than the splendid long stroke motor
will develop. With large cylinders and long stroke
4L" 514') the new motor is great puer at
high speed a wonderful hill-cmber; and will
give you all the speed you want. Though called
SO it actually develops 40 h. p.
Four-Speed Transmission
Greater Aexibiity? The four forward speed
transnission-a feature until now found only on
the highest priced makes-giVes a flexibity of
control hitherto unknown on medium priced cars
Direct drive is on the fourth speed. A third
speed is provided which will carry you the
hardest grades without loss Of time If very
steep hill is encountered, you can still drop back
to second which is powerful enough for the steep
est grade and yet much faster than first speed of
ordinary car.
Do you ask more room in the body /? This
body is roomy as any five-passenger built
1t is big body. If it were any bigger, 1t would
become awkward and less comfortable.
More comfort? We honestly believe that it
is not possible to buy more comfortable car at
any price. The big wheels and tires-36 x a
the ample wheel base, sturdy frame, 81 elliptic
springs tilted, uxuriously upholstered seats,
afford the passengers the acme of riding comforts
Chalmers Self-starter
Greater convenience? The Chalmers
compressed air sef-starter does away with the
last of the original inconvenience of automobil
ing.
This starting device is built in the Chalner
factory. 1t is not accessory added to the car
but an essential feature With there is no need o
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-07-06

Chalmers $50" Touring Car 5-passenge, $780,
OF
md ire
Chalmers ego" Torpedo 4-passenge $780,
Regular equipment Same as go Touring Cor.
Chalmers $50" Torpedo Runabout, 2passenger $500.
Regular lamps nd o. lamps
Chalmers Thirty six" Touring Car 5-passenger $780,
Chalmers demoanoble
fos-doors; IRONS pump, JOCK liz
Top and
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-07-06

Y EERE are the motor car pace makers
for le12-the Chalmers "3O," $500
a a. the Chalmers "Thirty-six," $500.
These cars win their way to your approval
by sheer merit. They set new standards of
motor car values.
When the Chalmers "30' was first an
nounced four years ago, the words 'astound-
ing value" were used to describe it. 1t set
| new standard.
3 Each season since, by better factory methods
by improvements and refnements, we have greatly
increased the value of the car without increasing
the price. Each year the verdict on Chalmers
cars has been best value at the price"
Our Astounding Values
i And for 1912 say to you, the motor
Il tuying public, with perfect assurance, that this
year more than ever before offer you "astound-
Ang values"
II The $50" remains the leader among $500 cars.
XII The new "Thirty-six' at $1,000 represents a
as 1rther development along the lines of greater
re and increased power. The reliable standard
M ed, beautiful, Forty" is continued for those
81 curing a car of unusual power and 7-passenger
81 pacity.
81 In our plan of business, your interests and our
S N are mutual. Utmost value at the price
(. price to all-and service guaranteed-is our
icy.
Ne have been unable to find any brand of
.smanshp equal to quality in the goods; or
sort of advertising one-half effective as
words spoken by those who know the merit
Chalmers cars.
he temptation to make extravagant claims is
ng. But in our advertising we try to make
'erstatements rather than overstatements We
iyou to bee. this in mind in reading our 1912
.ouncement.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-07-06

Chalmers 'Thirty-six" Torpedo, 4-passenger, S.
Equipment: Same as the Chalmers Thirty.
Chalmers "Thirty-six" Berlin Limousine, $3.50
Including FIJI equipment.
Chalmers "Thirty-six" Cab Side Limousine, $50
Including full equipment.
Chalmers Forty" Touring Car, 7-passenger,
Rsgu!or equipment: Bosch DIAL ignition sy
lam'ps-oH omps enoneled black; Prest-O-
DeniiLoted fore-doors; Chalmers ntohoiy t.
36-ineh BY 4-ineh fires; tire irons; tools,
repair outfit
Chalmers Forty" Torpedo, 4-passenger, S275o
Regular equipment: Same as the Chalmers
Chalmers Forty" Detachable Pony Tonneau,
Regular equipment: Same os the Chalmers
Ceredo advance. [volume] (Ceredo, W. Va.) 1885-1939, 1911-01-04
EDITOR MORRIS
OF STATE JOURNAL
Nominated for Legisla-
ture by Wood County
Republicans.

Parkersburg, w. Va, Dec. 81.
This morning in mass conven.
ton the Republicans of Wood
county and Parkersburg distric
nominated p. w. Morris, editor
and owner of the Parkersburp
Journal as a Candidate to succeed
the late AL Gilmer Patton 10 the
legislature. The nomination of
Mr.. Morris was made by acclama-
ton. The convention was void
OF any exciting incidents.
NJ. Morris, although not an
anxious candidate, accepted the
honor and said he was in the race
TO win. HIS opponent on the
Democratic ticket is Joseph Carrie.
Ceredo advance. [volume] (Ceredo, W. Va.) 1885-1939, 1911-01-04
Solves a Deep MuSteru.
j. G. BANCROFT,

Il want to thank you from the bottom
Of my heart" wrote @ b. RAIDER of
LewisburR, w Va, for the wonderful
double benefit got from Electric Bit
ters, in curing me of both severe case
Of stomach trouble and of rheumatism,
from which / had been an almost help
less sufferer for ten years. 1t suited my
case as though just made for it," For
dyspepsia, indigestion, jaundice and to
rid the system of kidney poisons that
cause rheumatism Electric Bitters
has no equal Try them. Every bottle
is guaranteed 70 satisfy. Only soc at
the Bloss Drug Store, Ceredo, and X.
Ney Williams Kenova.
Ceredo advance. [volume] (Ceredo, W. Va.) 1885-1939, 1911-01-04
YNE CO., w. VA, WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 4 1911
Dunleith, w. Va.

The Central Graded school a,
this place gave a Christmas enter
talnment Friday, December 2s.
There were quite number of peo.
pie present and all spent very en-
Joyable evening. 1t was agreed
among the teachers that a vacation
be given until Jan. 3.
The following is the program as
1t Was rendered at the above stated
time:
"Drcember Song" lntermed. Grade
"Ihe First Xmas" Recitation
1.-The School, Dialogue Upper
Grade.
"Gues's From Whittier Land, >"
Dialogue, intermediate Grade.
"Bobbys Point of View." Reci,a.
tion.
1.-The Too Good Looking Man."
Dialogue, Intermediate Grade.
"Adalina's Arrival" Dialogue, Up
per Grade.
Xmas Song" Primary Grade
"Grandpa's Nmas SURPRISE" Dia
I"""- t"'-"m-d'ata G".Ie.
"ln Want of Servant" Dialogue,
Upper Gla1e.
"Xmas Exercise
''The Journ Y of Life" Dialogue,
Upper Grade.
"Chickens," Dialogue (colored)
Upper Grade.
ga G Amas Acros'ic," Primary
"Santa Claus Song" intermediate
Grade.
"Ihe President of the b. OF +. ;"
Dialogue, Upper Grade.
"Ihrough the Telephone" Recita-
tion.
"Mother Goose Xmas Play" Pri
mary Grade.
"Old Folks at Home" Song by
Colored Choir.
"The Coming of Santa"
"Pantomine, Upper Grade
"God BE With You," Closing Song.
Misses Jean Bryant of Ports
mouth, Ohio, and Mamie Chapman
OF Ceredo attended the school exer.
cises here.
Miss Virginia Bryant spent her
vacation with relatives and friends
in Ceredo, Kenova and Huntington.
READER.