davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27
nUMoRIsT DESCRIBES UNDER

EUMORIST DESCRIBES UNDER
 WOOD.
 One of the most talked about and writ Chairman Underwood of the Ways and Mears committee who resides in Birming- ham, when he is not beaming on Wash ington or recuperating from his arduous labors at suitable health resort. Homer Croy, who conducts department of celebrities in Judge, entitled We Have With Us Tonight" summarizes MT. un- derwood from a humorst's point of view as follows:
 UNDERWOOD, OSCAR W.-Under- wood. the thuriferous tinker of the tariff, was the multiplying marvel, the mathe- nautical motordome of the University of Virginia. He could give Euclid a run ming start and beat him over the first hurdle, and. while Archimedes was look ing around for his lever Underwood would finish the job and would go home and be inventing collapsible. triple-joint isosceles triangle that you could carry around in your pocket. With no more ex- pression on his face than an adding ma chine, Oscar could compute how long 1t would take frog. lame in the left hip, to leap out of well, thrty-eght feet and two inches deep. if the frog hopped four and a quarter inches each time and on account of his sciatica fell back three quarters of an inch each attempt while the other students were wondering if sec ond base on the new diamond was still water. Figuring out the tariff with him now is as peaceful and soothing on the nerves as attending an art auction in Chi cago. Leaving the Varsity, he went to Birmingham, Ala, and hung out his shingle. Four months later two clients came to see him the same week and in one mail he got three letters-and that evening, cognizant of the growing signs of prosperity, the landlord raised the rent. It took him just ten years to learn how well the wives of the voters of Birmingham could cook and the first names of all the democratic children in that section, and he has been in Congress ever since He is the most popular man in Alabama, but his constituents do not know that while he is In Washington he wears a diamond horseshoe in his tie and plays golf. His favorite sport Is leading bulldog and keeping his tie in mathe- nautical alignment His pocket flaps are laid out with a T-square and his tailor measures his buttons with a pair of calipers. He wears an eight-day smile and a Persian lamb collar and looks like an actor Just in from the gasoline circuit. He is as collected as a right-angled tri- angle and has brother in the pig-iron business in Birmingham"
 COURTESY.
 'I sat behind a very polite man at moving picture show yesterday"
 'Is that so?"
 "Yes. He turned to me and said, T beg pardon. Do my ears obstruct your view?" 
 EARLY.
 know a man-his name is Chew
 There's just no stopping.
 He started out last week to do
 His Christmas shopping.
 PAUL COOK.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27
WHERE JONES WENT

From the May Llpp1ncottS.
 A series of revival services was being held in western city, and placards giv- ing notice, of the services were posted in conspicuous places. One day the follow ing notice was posted: Hell; Its Location and Absolute Certainty. Thomas Jones. baritone solist. will sing Tell Mother I'll Be There 7"
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27
THE CALL OF THE LINKS

From Corning Country.
 Two Scotchmen met and exchanged the small talk appropriate to the hour As they were parting to go supperward San dy said to Jock:
 Jock, mon, I'll go ye a round on the links in the norm"
 "The morrn'," Jock repeated, doubterly
 Ave. mon. the morrn'." said Sandy "I'll go ye a round on the links in tht morrn'."
 Aye, weel," said Jock. "I'll go ye But had intended to get harriet in the morrn'."
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27
REFLECTIONS OF A BACHELOR

From the New York Pres.
 A young woman pretends to Know less than she knows and young man more.
 Anybody can tell a good thing that comes to him after 1t has gone about a thousand miles past him.
 A woman could vote better by the rib bons her party wore than most men do by the principles theirs claim.
 It doesn't take long for smart man in business to learn there are smarter men in the same kind of business.
 If man knows the different cats In the neighborhood by their yeowing on the fence he thinks he has fine ear for music.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27

effective public speaker, and it is possible that he may prove to be Mexico's coming man. The Mexican situation is full of mysteries as it stands today.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27

Mir. Taft secured in the House 0 mi- nority of a minority only for his pet reel procity measure. The republican party Is in the dumps
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27

Nick Longworth is to be placed on the diplomatic retired list. and this will take away from Washington society it's best dressed lady member.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27

The Senate should not keep reciprocity waiting until it can bring together fac tions that have no more intention of unit ing than oil and water
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27

Douglas. Arlz., has decided to omit a Fourth of July celebration this year. It has had fireworks enough to date to carry it over to next year.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27

The mobilization of troops on the Texas border was so sudden that the magazines were taken by surprise, and they are just beginning to get into action.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27

Ed Tilden of the beef trust is in a fair way to spend a period in the peni- tentiary unless he brings out his bank books and explains the story of the Lori 10 brass tacks
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27

A Los Angeles man of 92 has eloped, leaving four inconsolable children behind. The children's ages are respectively 72, eS. 6s and 55.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27

The republicans in Congress are badly split up but the socialist party in that great body is harmonious and serene.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27

President Diaz could resign and make good at once by connecting up with a chautauqua booking bureau.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27

The strawberry always makes good in the shortcake. It is the national berry.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27

Protection democrats are scarce outside of the Louisiana sugar fields.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27

Mexico will be all right if Diaz has not accumulated an incurable stiff neck.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27

The DARters have adjourned and normal dullness has resumed its sway in this country
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27

Wall streets yawn is heard sometimes around the world. It is yawning at pres ent in that manner.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27

The eSchleppencour-now what Is 1t? It's habitat and customs should be defined be- fore it is permitted to become natural fzed
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27

In the glad springtime presidential booms are cropping up at various points in the national landscape.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27

Senator Works became a full-fedged in- surgent as soon as he caught sight of the capitol.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27

Senor Maderos fountain pen never runs dry when it is time to issue an ultima tum,
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27
POOR MARY.

When Mary starts to spin a yarn, Iris very hard to stop her. She's so ginative-darni-
 She always tells a whopper.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27
co.t.r cu,ture Department

"An increase in the cotton crop or the south through increasing the aver age yield per acre is the object Tor which the cotton culture department of the Southern railway, the Mobile and Ohio railroad and the Alabama Great Southern Railroad companies Is work ing.p said a well known former banker.
 "The department referred to was or ganized in the fall of l9lO ana was put in charge of T. o. Plunkett, for merly of the United States agricultural department, who has seven field agents working under him. MT. Plunkett and all of his agents have had experience in growing cotton under boil weevil conditions and their work during 1ne past winter has been largely devoted to advising farmers In Mississippi and Alabama along the lines of the advance of the weevil as to the best methods Of controlling that insect and growing cotton successfully in spite of its pres ence.
 Tt is the purpose of President Fin | lev to make the cotton culture depart ment as helpful as possible to all cot | ton farmers in the territory traversed II by the lines of the Southern railway system. With this end in view, he Is to meet with MT. Plunkett and his field agents in Meridian, Miss, on May 20 for a conference in which the work
 thus far accomplished will be reviewed and plans for the future will be dis
 cussed. AS the work of the department
 is largely cooperative, MT. Finley has
 invited representatives of the United States agricultural department, the | commissioners of agriculture of Ala
 bama and Mississippi and the presidents
 of the agricultural colleges of those
 states to participate in the conference. I'm the afternoon of the same day a mass
 meeting of farmers and business mon
 will be held in Meridian at which prac-
 ttcal addresses on cotton growing will be delivered. Special reduced passenger rates will be made for the occasion from all points in Alabama and Mis- sissIppi on the railways entering Me- ridlan."
 I Will Come Out Financially Ahead "The Birmingham Music festival tc be held next month is unquestionably more talked about within a radius of 100 miles of this city than any former event of the kind." said a member oi the festival executive committee. q "Friends in neighboring towns have written asking me to secure seats foi them. and business man who hal
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27
ADVERTISEMENTS MoDEsT-Y

Dead artists are appreciated while the living are ignored.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27
ADRIFT WITH THE TIMES
A DISTANT DAY.

A DISTANT DAY. When hippos fit from bloom to bloom And sip the honey there, When light no longer pierces gloom And tramps pay railroad fare; When elephants, with airy grace, Trip gaily to and fro And money-bearing trees displace All others here below; When pigs have lovely manners which They show while at their feed, And chigre bites no longer itch And chaufeurs never speed, Why, then, I guess. will woman dress In sweet simplicity And Fashion will no more obsess To such a mad degree. TAMPERING WITH HER RIGHTS. "A woman simply withered Jason yes- terday because he wanted to make her a present" That's singular. What did he offer to give herr" "A guard for the point of her hat pin"
 WHY LINGER?
 Goodby. Winter,
 On your way
 Don't you know it's
 Almost May?
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27

The largest forest left in a skinned and depleted country Is in Arizona, and 1t is
 proposed to convert 1t into a Carnegie
 national park. But no one seems to know negte libraries.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27

way HeI idCS IS guns 'o oiiP 'tS->s'
 A VICTIM OF CULTURE. know a man with little hair, Who goes to lectures deep, But ne'er acquires much knowledge
 there,
 Because he falls asleep. Perhaps you wonder why 'tis he Continues to attend? Just can not help himself. You see, He has a wife, my friend, Who's very learned, very cross And sharp of temper, too. He dares not disobey his boss, But slumber helps him through
 SOMEWHAT SINUOUS. Did you notice that dark-eyed beauty who came aboard just now with a thea trical troupe?"
 "Yes. She's stunning" "A great many people are interested in her movements" "A celebrity, no doubt" "Yes. She's Salome' dancer"
 RARE FORBEARANCE. For any rural editor A splendid epitaph: He never stole another's stuff, Not cen a paragraph" THE SOURCE OF A COMPLIMENT. "A Spanish painter says America is a great country
 How many pictures has he sold to rich Americans?"
 About $750O00 worth this trip" "No wonder he thinks America great country.''
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27
TELEPHONES

Washington Bureau Age-Herald. 14iS New York avenue.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27

STUDIES IN EXPRESSION.
 "Agnes Maude has an interesting face" "Yes, indeed. Particularly when she's chewing gum. You never can tell which way her face Is going to slip next"
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27

TELEPHONES Bell fprfvNte exchange connecting all &epartm<nte). No. 1900. PcopIex--1ditOrinl rooms 231, busi- ness office 23G.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27

The D. A R. and Senator Shoot have collided over an attempt to put Brigham Young's picture on the silver service of of the alliance between the republicans and the Mormons, and the D. A. R.'s should assail this unholy alliance.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27

I know a man-his name Is Chew There's just no stopping. He started out last week to do His Christmas shopping.
 PAUL COOK.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27

Entered at the Birmingham, Ala. postoffice as second-class matter under act of Congress March 3. 1879.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27

No communication will be published without its authors name. Rejected manuscript will pct be returned unless staIeps are tnclosed for that purpose
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-04-27

c. E Morgan, T. S Millsap and Geo. are the only authorized travelling representa- atives of The Age 1s,srald in its circulation departnent.
Bisbee daily review., 1911-05-19
THROUGH PULLMAN
 BEGINNING JUNE 1
Fl Paso and Southwestern Gets Concession from
 s, P. About Service

Bisbse and Douglas will have a daily through Pullman sleeping car service to and from Los Angeles, beginning Juno 1, according to a letter received yesterday by Bruce Perley, secretary of the board of trade.
 It was announced some time ago by General Agent Graves of the E. Paso and Southwestern that, through efforts of General Passenger Agent Fox of the Southwestern, the South ern Pacific had agreed to @ semi. weekly sleeping car service for the summer between Douglas and Los Angeles.
 The letter from Southern Pacific headquarters at San Francisco. how. ever, goes further and states that beginning June 1 and lasting through the summer season, a daily through sleeping car service will be afforded the people of Bisbee and Douglas.
 The sleerer will be handled from Benson to Los Angeles on train No, 9. leaving Benson at 4;40 p. m daily and returning from Los Angeles will be handled on train No. 4 tu make connection direct at Benson with the morning train for Douglas and Bisbee.
Bisbee daily review., 1911-05-19
B.SBEE EXPECTED ID
 CLIMB ID THE TOP
Postal Savings Report Stiil Shows LeadviIle in
 the Lead

Postmaster General Hitchcock has issued a statement showing the con dition of the postal savings bank business at the 4S initial offices which began operation on January 3. The Bisbee bank is not included in the report, but will be next month.
 It is shown by the report that the system continues to grow in popu- larity; during April, 3,61S separate deposits were made. aggregating S82- 646.00. averaging s31.57 per deposit. In January, the first month of op- eration, the average of 3,S3O sepa- rate deposits, aggregatug S6l,SUo. was only s16.14 per deposit.
 It will be possible for depositors to convert their deposits into United States bonds bearing 215 per cent interest, on July l. The bonds have teen prepared in denominations Of S2O. $lOO and $500, and Mir. Hitch cock has advised Postmaster Cassidy to inform the public that they will be issued t1 every depOsitor who applies on the proper form before June 15. These bonds will be issued only to depositors but they may be sold and assigned at any time by the holder.
 They are exempt from taxation by either federal or local authority. DepositOrs can procure either regis tered or coupon bonds as they de sire. Registered bonds, which bear the name of the owner and are pay able only to him. are preferable as a permanent investment because they are sale against loss or robbery.
 Coupon bonds are payable to bearer and hence can be more convenientlv disposed of. Interest on registered bonds is raid twice a year by cheeks drawn at the treasury department in favor of the registered holder. In- terest on coupon bonds is collected by means of detachable coupons which can be cashed by any one. Interest cheeks and coupons may be cashed by postmasters under the same conditions as other govern ment paTer.
 The greatest demand for postal savings bonds is expected in some of the western towns where deposi- tory offices have been opened, as Bis pee. Globe and Clifton Many rest dents of these towns have deposited $500, all that the rules permit, and are seeking to invest this amount so as to make way for additional depcsits.
 It is believed from the showing al. ready made that the Bisbee pnstai savings bank will rank about seventh or ciahtk in the whole United States by the time of the postmaster gen erals last report. the last of Nav.
 The Globe nostai savings hank con | tinues to hold it's own, being stil' third in the list at the end Of April. Lesdsilie Colo. is first and Ana ccnda, Mont, second.
Bisbee daily review., 1911-05-19
BISBEE THE LIVEST OF
 ALL ARIZONA TOWNS
So Declares F. ]. TrethaWay- Live Bunch of Railroad
 Officials Here

A bunch of live ones, railroad freight and passenger agents, were in the city yesterday lingering the business puise and singing the praise of their respective routes. They were R. B. Savage of the Southern Pacific, with headquarters at Tucson: ". A. Golden, travelling passenger agent of the s. P. at Los Angeles, and F. J. Trethaway of the Washington Sunset route, Ios Angeles.
 "i don't know whether it is be cause your business district is bunch ed or not, but Bisbee is ato1t the hrest looking city that I have en- countered in Arizona" said Nr. Treth- away, who before his Drorotion was city ticket agent at Phoenix.
Bisbee daily review., 1911-05-19
BENSON Is AROUSED
 BY HIGHWAY OUTRAGE
Petition Being Circulated There Protesting at
 Route of Road

Benson and the entire Benson dis trict are working in the interests of the Douglas -Bisbee-T Tombstone St David-Benson route for the territor- ial highway. according to a letter received yesterday by Secretary Bruce Perley of the Bisbee board of trade.
 The Benson chamber of commerce has forwarded a letter of protest to the board of control and IS as pres ent circulating a petition .n the Ben son district to which hundreds oi signatures have already been seeur ed. This petition will also be for warded to the board of control The letter is from the secretary of the Benson chamber of commerce. Doane | Merrill.
 The people Of St. David are also 1 circUloting a petition, protestins against Icing left on the territorial highway and requesting that the ac ton of the board in approving the | Hereford route be reconsidered. The Tombstone chamber of commerce. has ' slresdv ostiHiallv endorsed the resoiu. tions of the Bisbee board Of trade.
Bisbee daily review., 1911-05-19
MORE WITNESSES IN
 THE MURPHY CASE
Taking of Testimony Will Be Concluded in Court
 Today

Henry Murphy. charged with the murder of Wesley Johnson in th:s Cty about a month ago, is on trial for his life in the district court al Tombstone and yesterday afternoon court adjourned without completing Ire taking oe testimony. Several witnesses yet to te examined will be heard this morning.
 The crime for which Murphy was arraignei was for the killing of an other negro. Wesley Johnson, about a month ago al the Silver Leaf soc ial clab, negro organization with quarters on Naco road. Johnson died astantly.
 Murphy fed and remained in hid ing for several days, but becoming exhausted from exrosure and hunger came in and gave himself up to oni- ccTs.
Bisbee daily review., 1911-05-19
EXCURSION PLANNED
 FOR SALT LAKE CITY

A good opportunity to see tho great northwest is afforded by ar engagements just completed by tho Hoffman Bros. Loan and Trust com pany for an excursion to Salt Lake City May 31.
 Tis excursion is a special induce emnt to the Bisbee people to see what wonderful opportunities lie at the gates of the city of Salt Lake and the chances for investments ih real estate in a growing city.
 When one stops to think of tho many resources that Lalt Lake Is tributary to he cant help but see that in a few years Salt Lake City will be the largest city in the great infermountain district.
 The fare for the excursion will be the one way fare for the round fTip. which is s41e5 from Benson. Ariz.. via Cotton, Cal. After visiting Salt Lake City one is given the privilege of stopping over at any
Bisbee daily review., 1911-05-19
BIG FOURTH OF JULY
 MEETING WILL BE
 HELD THIS EVENING
Large Attendance Is Looked for, and Some Novel Sug-
 geStions Are Sure
PAPAG0 INDIANS TO DANCE

Tonight is the date set for the big Fourth of July mass meeting. At the meeting early in the week it was decided that this year was an oppor- tune one for holding a big celebra- ton, but the details of the celebra- ton. it was decided. would be left Co committees, as in previous years, which committees will be appointed tonight.
 Another purpose of the meeting is to stir up a din of regular, old time Fourth of July patriotism. It is said that several are preparing real 'fel- low-citizen" speeches and others are getting ready to do a 'tremble for my country" stunt. The meeting will be held at the city hall. right over the fire department, so that there will be no danger of spontan- eous combustion from patriotic en- thusiasm or enthusiastic patriotism.
 Ar Indian War Dance.
 4 novel suggestion has been made by a Fourth booster. He suggests that the Papago Indians be brought to the city and put on a regular Papago war dance stunt. This sug- gestiou with a number of others of a novel nature will be made at the big meeting tonight.
 The mass meeting is not merely for the "P. C." folk. It is desired that all come. no matter whether he is a miner. politician. merchant or-in the words of the old eouplet- Rich man, poor man, beggar man.
 thief
 Doctor, lawyer, merchant chief.
Bisbee daily review., 1911-05-19
STREET SHRINKING
 AS AN EXPERIMENT
City Council Agrees to Allow Mcdonald to Try
 It Out

The persistency of Street Superin- tendent Mcdonald in going after more water for sprinkiing purposes has at last been partly rewarded. The street superintendent has brought the matter to the attenuon of coun- cil on several occasions, but had never been able to pry loose the death-hold of the finance committee from the expense lid.
 As an experiment. the city council has agreed to allow the street super intendent one foot of water from the reservoir this week for sprinkiing purposes, after which he will make a report to the council. at the Satur- day night meeting, as to the result of the efficacy Of one foot of water when played on the dusty streets and of the effect on the reservoir supply.
 Wlli Pick Bad Streets.
 The water will be used against tbS dustiest streets, in the canyon, on School Hill and several other places where the dust Is particularly bad If the experiment is successful the street superintendent may be given more leeway in the matter of street sprinkling.
 The contention of Street SuperiH' tendent Mcdonald is supported by the physicians of the city, who say that the sprinkling is necessary from the standpoint of sanitation It is agreed that the expense of surinkling crew would be more than balanced by the iessened expenditure in the upkeeI of the streets so sprinkled-