davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington herald., 1911-11-19

The Wimodaughsis Society, the FEEDER
alton Of Women's Clubs, the Woman's
Christian Temperance Union, the Ma
tionaI Equal Suffrage Association, and
all the other varied organizations where
women congregate and have their being
are running around in circles just now
and demanding to know who is the i'm
pertinent person who is sending circular
letters to organizations for femininity
and offering as a husband
OF course, they know to a certain ex-
tent who he is. He gives his name as
Theodore Larson and his address as
Salem, Greg. Theodore is not bashfuL
On the contrary, he is broad-minded con-
corning himself. and doesn't hesitate to
say that he is good looking. possesses a
fine, weIl-kept set of morals. and is Al
material in every respect, considered as
domestic possibility.
Here is Theodore's letter:
Dear Madam:
please circulate the following:
81 EN- yong man with steady habits
Good Morals, considered handsome.
Money enough TO care for a woman in a
Proper Manners and want to correspond
with a yong lady objek Matrimony. No
obektions TO yong widows"
Several women In town have received
these tentative proposals and none
The Washington herald., 1911-11-19

of the Thanksgiving dinner these facts
should be taken into consideration. There
Is no doubt that the cost of living has
greatly increased. Hotel keepers COM
plain. and in the ordinary first-class ho-
tel restaurants the cut of pie that once
sold for Is cents is now % cents, and the
pieces are no larger and the quality no
better, IL as good, as once upon time.
Yet, while It costs from $50 to $50 for a
party of six to get plain Thanksgiving
dinner without wine, expensive salads
and desserts at a good hotel. and even
then by dividing portions, table d'hote
dinners are advertised by a few hotels
conducted on the old-fashioned system
American and European plans combined
where real country Thanksgiving dinners
are served at from Ills to $50 for each
person.
The Washington herald., 1911-11-19

celery, half a dozen vegetables, and big.
fat oId-fashioned plates OF mince, pump
kin, and apple pie, with cake and ice
cream galore, is generous-almost reck-
less in amount. One criticism is, There's
too much for the dinner. double I'D in &C.
stasy when the tip is half a dollar" and
a quarter gets more bows and civilIty
than does dollar in places where you
pay lavishly to the man who hands out
your hat and coat at the end of the
feast
Then there is the table G'hote, a bless
ing to thousands Of residents In the great
city. The amount of food served in these
places for 70 cents or 81. with music and
wine, Is a mystery to. all housekeepers.
Few Americans could duplicate these din
ners for the price. The chief drawback
Is lack Of room and chairs to hold the
oyerhowing crowds who patronizs them.
The Washington herald., 1911-11-19

try were mixed up in one of those long
Celestial arguments that sound lire
somebody trying to saw through a steel
nile.
Charlie Lee. proprietor of the place,
wandered out to meet us, leaving his
compatriots arguing bitterly and of the
key. Carefully rubbing his nose on his
blouse sleeve, Charlie demanded to know
what we wanted.
I proudly produced a dispatch.
See" I said slowly. so as not to
brighten him, ''see this, Charles"
Then, in the tones of a head execu-
toner, the words of the dispatch, de-
The Washington herald., 1911-11-19
Shows How It Is Done.

Then he braced himself and lunged at
bag of sawdust. Had that sawdust
been a human being his innermost secrets
would have been laid open to the cal
lous public gaze.
That's all right" said MANI nervously,
fine old boy fine old boy. That's a
great meat cleaver you have there
Ar l go to war soon,' concluded
Ching breathlessly and proudly, as he
came to a halt in front of us. "Pletty
soon Ely glimmee gelenel's job
Then Ching Confded in us. He gave
us a bit of real news when he vouched
for the fact that since the beginning Of
the Chinese revolution every Celestial
has bought two or three knives and all
are in perfect working order. Not that
they expect any trouble. They point
out that IL conditions in China get bet
ter they will be ready to go back and
assert themselves-that's all.
Going to run for alderman, Ching"
asked MANI
"Lunn for hoo?" asked Ching.
Alderman. alderman, alderman" YELL
ed MANI. You know. Big job, when
YOU go back
The Washington herald., 1911-11-19

it with true courtesy, and then travelling
all around 1t without apparently getting
anywhere.
About four days ago Manz, the cartoon
list, and 1 invaded Chinatown with the
full determination Of being second Paul
Reveres. These poor boys, We figured
knew nothing of the great struggle going
on in their native land. They would be
glad Of little enlightenment and
Well Equipped at Start.
Well, we started out with some news
paper clippings and telegraphic dis
patches as material for the campaign
Stunning the fashionable establishments
in Ninth street (for these places are run
by Chinese merchants who wear frock
coats and ride in automobllesl we sought
the rdtiye quarter, where merchant and
coolie life can be found in the rough.
The first spot we visited was a little
tea shop-one OF those gone-to-seed places
where the windows are Uttered with
countless quantities OF fuzzy paper
-Four Cinnamon wearing the blue blouses
The Washington herald., 1911-11-19
Got Floor and Kept It.

IT get UNI every day" Charlie ex-
planned.
Abashed we stood around to listen to
the argument. Apparently some of the
group must have suggested something too
severe for the Manchus, and the others
disagreed. They were keenly Oblivious
of our presense and they went to it
as if their lives and souls depended upon
the outcome. In the middle of the gen.
eral humdrum collection of conversation,
a long, thin, sour-looking Celestial, either
by force and arms or the superior quality
of his lungs, got possession Of the floor
and kept it. He must have been the
Oriental counterpart of the late D.
Webster He seemed to be making an
epic reply to Col. Hayne, too.
He say" explained Charlie, ''he say
alice samee women gilt vote. He say,
oh ell, why so no vote when revolution
is lots He say women got lights allie
samee cows"
MANI, who is a keen woman suffragist
himself. wandered around in back of the
counter and patted the long, thin boy
on the back.
You are right" said Manz heartily.
MANI Becomes Embarrassed.
The Celestial never paused. He turned
Then he unloosed the inner well-gates
of his veribage and fired a double round
of shrapnel right at Manz's head AS
he became the topic of conversation
Manz's face became a bright red. He
turned to me with tears in his eyes and
said:
What the devil is this person calling
me?" I passed the deal to, Charlie who
was our only and original explainer.
He say" said Charlie, he say, oh,
why you keep UNI women shut up?' He
say ''dey got lites ale samee you and
me. Melica bad as China allie samee,'
he say
That was the blow that killed MANI.
Without word he quietly sneaked away
and declined to examine the various
samples of tea that Charlie offered him.
We continued our invasion of the quar-
ter down Third street to a little curio
store, where you can buy anything from
fsh to sword with two handlesAand
couple yards Of blade.
Thought Them Customers.
Ching Keong. who is a sort OF chief
clerk of the place, came strolling out and
shook us warmly by the hands
''Waa choo buy?'> asked Ching. ''waa
choo buy? waa choo-"
MANI caught Ching's arm in a kindly
gri2.
Don't be a steam engine. old boy.
he urged, be human. Be sensible"
mo wanna buy?" Ching said inquir-
ingly.'
We shook our heads, and explained
we were out to learn what washington
Chinatown intended doing about the rev.
olutioE.
The Washington herald., 1911-11-19

For answer Ching went into his back
room and produced a long. curved, ivory
handled affair that might have been a
meat cleaVer or a sword or an aboriginal
type of AK. He almost knocked MANI
hat off as he fiourished 1t about his head.
Two hunded allie samme gone out"
said he proudly.
But you can't fight with those cussed
things" complained MANI, you need
guns and revolvers and cannon"
Ching did not call him an untruther.
He just began to demonstrate. Without
warning he backed off and walloped a
pine box top which split from top to
bottom.
something like il.
The Washington herald., 1911-11-19
WHEN THE COLLECTION
BOX IS PASSED THIS
MORNING, COUGH UP

Speaking OF ministers who have the
divine sense of humol here is one that
Rev. Samuel H. Greene. pastor OF the
Calvary Baptist Church, is credited with
telling:
"A clergyman who had a flock down
in Virginia once invited a weighty
brother from a nearby city to visit
him and deliver the Sabbath sermon.
The urban brother arose as the strains
of the hymn died down, cleared his
throat, and delivered his text in a STIR
ring voice.
Where are the dead?' he demanded.
The little country minister looked up
YEARLY.
replied. I have the deadest parish in
three counties.
Waiter-There is an apartment of
three rooms on the second floor; you
can have your choice of two, one Of
them is occupied 10.
Peter Joseph Herbert)-Suite 10!
What's her nlme?-From Miss Dudel-
sack" at the Columbia last week.
DO you think the world round or
square,"
Il know it's crooked"-Billy Evans
at the Cosmos last week.
She-You follow the horses, don't
you?
He-Yes; I'm dippy about merry-go-
rounds. - Frank Byron and Louise
Langdon, at Chase's last week.
The Washington herald., 1911-11-19
GIRLS, SMOKE If YOU LIKE;
LAW CANNOT STOP YOU
Maj. Sylvester, Corporation Counsel Thomas, and
Other Luminaries Discuss Conditions
in Washington

they cannot see a remedy. Try as they
will, they cannot solve the answer to
the riddle Of the Sphynx, Can a woman
smoke in public?"
Now, 1t may happen that a law will
be passed which will forbid women from
smoking in public, but until that time
comes the girls have a right to touch
up the old meerschaum-aye, light the
ancient corncob-if they feel so inclined.
Nothing prevents.
So let us smoke, girls, while the smok-
ing is good.
81 went down into Wall street yes
terday"
did you get dirty deal?"
mo; got thorough cleaning up
Kamplain and Bell at the Cosmos last
week
The Washington herald., 1911-11-19
CHINAMEN IN WASHINGTON CLAMORING
FOR WAR WITH HOMEMADE IMPLEMENTS
Special Writer and CartOOniSt
Make Round of CuriO Shops,
Laundries, Chop Suey Res
taurantS, and Joss House in
Search of FirSt-hand Informa-
ton Regarding Conditions.
By JAMES FRANK LYMAN.

TTAVE you heard the cold,
rasping sound of sharp
- ened steel and the steady
grind, grind, grind of millstones
that has sounded from the joss
houses, tea shops, and odds and
ends around Chinatown?
1t can be distinctly heard in the
curio shop of Min Ting Long, just
south of Pennsylvania avenue. in
Third street. The echoes rebound
to the restaurant of Hing Kai,
across the street, and thence wend
their way slowly up the long, dreary
side streets wherein Celestials have
their games of fan-tan, and the
soulful opium pipe may be found.
Prepare for Fray.
It is the Chinese revolutionists. boys,
Preparing their weapons for the fray in
the FloweEy Kingdom. And believe me,
they have some weapons, too. If that
The Washington herald., 1911-11-19
Waiting Game"
Is New Penalty
On Street Cars

How would you like to be feverishly
anxious to reach the Union Station
and to be wildly clutchfng a strap on
P. A. Y. E., when some arrant, bull
headed knave refused to obey the COM
mand Of his august majesty, the Con-
ductor, to move up front, please?'
Whenever this faux pas occurs, the
conductor does nod use his manly
strength to put the aforesaid arrant
knave of the car. Far be 1t from such
The conductor merely smiles sweetlyp
pulls the bell cord once, and holds UP
the progress of his car until such time
as the unruly passenger decides that
discretion is the better part of valor by
moving up in front
Whenever the passenger proves to
be obdurate. the car stops indefinitely,
while you, innocent wayfarer, to whom
every minute before train time is pre-
cious, may froth and fume to no avail
You and everybody else on the car are
penaliZed because some one man and
the conductor have a disagreement over
their respective rights. The conductor
may call a traffic cop" but even he
may hesitate before committing a tech
meal assault" on the passenger, unless
he is absolutely sure the conductor is
right in his contention and the latter
is wrong
1t is a beautiful system this, intro
duced by our public service corpora
lions. The schedule may go hang, the
interests of the passengers in getting
to their destinations may go hang, but
the conductor cannot let his car move
an inch while some unfortunate strap
hanger Issues a declaration of indie
pendence and refuses to crowd himself
ir,NN l.,
where the conductor says he SHALL go.
Yes; 1t is a fine system.
when is a chicken drunk"
81 don't know"
when it is stewed."-E. Koler at the
Gayety last week.
She-I wish l could revenge my hus-
band.
Held tear up his rubbers and wish
for rain.-Frank Byron and Louise
Langdon at Chase's last week.
Bergman Matthew Hanley)-Don't
talk too much about business, the wom-
en- don't care about figures, unless it's
their own.-From Miss Dudelsack," at
the Columbia last week
The Washington herald., 1911-11-19

scribing a Manchu outrage that had &C.
CURED somewhere, were spoken. Charlie
listened complacently.
ALE H." he said VALE matter
him."
/ waved my arms, and the cartoonist
began TO dance feverishly.
Awful massacre" we sang in unison,
Awful massacre! Awful massacre"
Charlie lifted his blouse sleeve to his
nose and rubbed them together, thought
fully and gently.
Il git hip" he responded serenely. Il
git hip 1.-Two week ago. Him allie samee
here
And while we stood there Charlie wan
dered back to the remainder of the group
and produced a newspaper. 1t was not
a nice newspaper. Ii had been clawed
and paved until all the freshness or It's
youth had gone from ii, and the bleak,
dirty sheet was almost unreCogniZaole.
But on the front page in clarion head
lines were the words "Manchu Massa-
The Washington herald., 1911-11-19
Rebels in Majority.

Nearly all of Chinatown is revolution
ary in sentiment. The National Chinese
Reform Association has been persistently
end consistently yelling for the white
light of Christianity and republican poll
tics since it opened its headquarters on
the Avenue. Both of the big tongs and
most of the branch tongs here are ready
and willing to back a revolution to win.
Old Min Lee, who keeps the joss
house. is rather inclined to be a revo-
lutionIst, too, although he will tell you
that he is not. Old Min, patriarch of all
the Chinese, has a weakness of backing
up to the topic Of conversation, saluting
The Washington herald., 1911-11-19

gang in Chinatown gets passports to
Eankin or Pekin or Tientsin or Sing Foo
or any of the other happy little towns
where slaughter and rapine have been
rampant during the last month or so,
they are going to make the other Man
Chus and revolutionists look sick.
The only reason the Chinese haven't
left town before this is because they can't
decide upon their platform. At the
last meeting of the Hip Sing Tong, some
body said that if China was to have a
constitution its women should be allowed
the right of ballot and this precipitated
all the trouble. Half the Celestials swear
by the sacred bones Of their ancestors
that as women have been, so will they
remain. The other half-and among
them little Ella Ming-say that If China
wants to have a revolution she needs a
real, full-sized, yard-wide revolution with
woman suffrage, nine course dinners.
''we-have-with-us-to speeches, and
dress suits included
The Washington herald., 1911-11-19
Theodore Wants a Wife,
And Is Advertising Fact
Young, Steady Habits, Good Morals, Considered
Handsome, and Has Money-Fails to Men,
ton Whether He Has Brains or Not.

knows how to take them. The fact that
all direct correspondents of Theodore s
are merely used to boost the circulation
of his literature leaves them embar-
raised.
But as soon as they can find out
whether Theodores good morals or his
face are considered handsome" the va
rious women's societies in Washington
will probably take action. Until then
Theodore Is safe.
Bergman Matthew Hanley)-You
like Lady Kitty Somerset?
Parker CAndrew Clough)-I admire
her; yes.
Bergman-Admiration is the rope that
pulls the wedding bells.-From Miss
Dudelsack," at the Columbia last week.
He-It's wise child that knows its
own mother-in bathing suit-Grant
Gardner at Chase's last week.
What gives more milk than cow"
1.-Two cows"
mo; a milk wagon."-E. Koler at
the Gayety last week.
The Washington herald., 1911-11-19
WHICH GOES TO SHOW
THAT A REPORTER IS
SOMETIMES IN ERROR

Cardinal Gibbons has, or used to have,
a box Of cigars that were gifts. These
he would donate to visiting newspaper
men. One day the cardinal set his pet
box in a closet containing camphor. and
within an hour the tobacco had become
thoroughly impregnated with the odor.
That night city editor sent bright
young reporter on his first assignment TO
see the cardinal. At IL o'clock the re-
porter strolled in.
How was he?" asked the city editor.
Fine old fellow" replied the reporter.
but he gives you altar candles to
smoke!"
The Washington herald., 1911-11-19

Betty (NIiss Glaser)-Remember,
faint heart never won fair lady" and
the same applies to brunettes-From
Miss Dudelsaclx," at the Columbia last
week.
The Washington herald., 1911-11-19
Had Higher Ambitions.

Nav me be plesiden'," said Ching
And he really thinks he will be. He's
going TO take all the laundry vote Of
America back to China Ching says, and
use them as a nucleus for his new
Democratic machine Ching doesn't want
to fight particularly, but he does have
a fine Occidental idea of that glorious
maxim. To the victors belong the
spOils.'
They have another potential office
holder in Win Wong, who runs a laun-
dry down in the quarter. Win has been
sticking here for years. Certain red
necked persons say he has made money
at fan tan. Win is to the Chinese quar-
ter what district leader is TO his con-
stituents II there is a funeral, Win is
there. If there is a wedding. Win is
likewise there. He lends money and is
one of the really popular Celestials of
the quarter.
Want to go to war, VIM" we asked
as we drifted into his place. Win slap
ped down his hot iron and looked MANI
and myself over.
''Shoor," he said. and picked up the
shirt he had momentarily neglected.
Get somebody to go with you?" we
asked next.
''Shoor," said Win.
What you fight with" asked MANI.
The Washington herald., 1911-11-19

Slowly we stole up the stairs until we
reached the top of the building There
| were the little brothers of the Orient
! five of 'em-sharpening weapons that
might have come from any place on
earth. One had the grindstone. second
was busily holding the edge of a long
| knife 10 it, The remainder were testing
the finished products.
Going to war; boys?" I asked.
"Kwio. kwiO! Ytpe, yipe, yipe!' came
| the response.
Maybe that meant no, but don't think
so. There was too much of a business
| like look about the lads to afford the
! possibility Of a peaceful answer.
Go to the Joss House.
There was only one more place We had
to visit, and that was the joss house
of Min Lee-old Min Lee. the patriarch
Of them ALL
When We reached his place Min was
curled up like a sad, lean old cat, with
his hand hidden in the sleeves of his
blouse. When we spoke to him, the old
priest merely opened one eye and grunt-
ed. Finally a few coins in the bowl be-
fore the image Yen Hai-goddess of good
luck-brought Min to this cumbersome
vale OF tears, and he asked what we
wanted
Are you revolutionist?" I asked
Il am not" replied Min in that almost
perfect English of his. and 1 am sorry.
To be revolution would be delightful.
sincerely believe that revolutioning-"
Isn't that rather going back on the
Emperor" demanded MANI.
Min stared at him Indignantly.
Go back? 1 think not" he replied
quickly. Most loved son of highest
heaven. favored of moon gods. and kissed
by flower breath Of And Min went
on to explain what an altogether emf
nent sort of a person the Emperor of
China is-or was.
Crosses the Delaware.
"Then why do you say it would be de-
lightful to be revolutionist?" demanded
MANI
BE like America George Washington"
replied Min. lis great honor
And We shut up.
The fact is though, boys. that the
restaurants where you buy the succulent
chow main and the laundries where they
fix UP yo4.' shirts are all deeply and
ardently agitated concerning the Chinese
revolution.
And YOU needn't be surprised if some
day within a short time the whole thou
sand or more Chinese population Of
Washington marches away like the chill
dren of Hamelin when the Pied Piper
sounded his Turing notes-marches away
to take up the battle of a new era in the
eternal Kingdom of the Flowers.
A menagerie onct kun to MacPher-
sons place near Glasgow, en- whilst
they wuur their a baboon died ell they
threw it over on MacPherSon's lot.
Macpherson KUN by soon en- found it.
ITS nae a MacDuff," says he, zen
it's nae ATacGregor l think I'll be
going to the l. Eel and see if any of
the English guests are missin'."-Jock
McCay, in Miss Dudelsack."
"The doctor had given Pat just ff-
teen minutes to live Pats wife was
cooking corn beef and cabbage down.
stairs. Pat smeIled it and asked if he
might have some, knowing that he had
but a short time to live. No, indeed,
The Washington herald., 1911-11-19
EVEN LITERARY FOLK
SOMETIMES DISPLAY
KEEN BUSINESS SENSE

A certain newspaper man IN this town,
who has the right idea about wage COM
pensation, was recently called into
court room to testify in a divorce case.
At the time it was considered that his
evidence would be of great Importance
to the plaintiff. Accordingly, the plain
tins attorney led the reporter aside be-
fore the case began and conversed
earnestly.
First" said the newspaper man, Il
get my witness fees"
But this is irregular" complained the
attorney.
irregular be hanged" replied the
journalist, Il want my fees or won't
testify
The attorney dug down to the extent
Of SOS and handed it to the reporter.
Now, stay around" he admonished.
This case will begin in few min
utes."
Ten minutes later the attorney, Wild
eyed and frantic, ran to a telephone and
called up the paper on which the repor-
ter worked. The reporters voice. calm
and collected, came to him.
why the devil did you 60 away7''
demanded the attorney. What the devil
do you think this is? How the"
II can't testify to-day" replied the
reporter; I've got to work. My man
aging editor says he'll fire me. Sorry
I can't help you"
And when they found the lawyer he
was frothing at the mouth and muttering
something about the dignity of the law.
did you hear about the fight in the
baker shop"
mo"
1.-TWO stale loaves tried to get fresh
Harry Hall at the Gayety last week.
He-My sister sings in a choir and
last Sunday she forgot to take off her
veil and strained her voice-Grant
Gardner at Chase's last week.
The Washington herald., 1911-11-19

"The doctor had given Pat just ff-
teen minutes to live. Pats wife was
cooking corn beef and cabbage down.
stairs. Pat smeIled it and asked if he
might have some, knowing that he had
but a short time to live. No, indeed,
not a bit can you have replied Bridget,
this is for the ke."-Arthur DEACON,
at Chase's last week.
The Washington herald., 1911-11-19
Again MANI Is in Trouble.

For ansyer Win picked up the hot iron
and waved at Manz.
ALE fellahs, he fight same way" he
explained, and continued at his work.
1T was a glorious victory" quoted
Manz, as we walked out.
Listen l cried.
From the curio shop of Min Ting Long
there came a soulful, sorrowful, clang-
ing sound, a noise like no other on
earth We wandered in. The first floor
was vacant, but upstairs, the soughing,
doIefuI sound came with renewed force
The Washington herald., 1911-11-19

when is chicken drunk"
II don't know"
when it is stewed."-E. Koler at the
Gayety last week.
The Washington herald., 1911-11-19

1.-TWO stale loaves tried to get fresh"
Harry Hall at the Gayety last week.
The Washington herald., 1911-11-19

She wish l could revenge my hus-
band.
Held tear up his rubbers and wish
for rain.-Frank Byron and Louise
Langdon at Chase's last week.
The Washington herald., 1911-11-19

did you hear about the fight in the
baker shop"