Semi-weekly herald., 1911-05-29
THE TELEGRAPH.

That the telegraph is one of the
most important things, in the COM
mercial world today, we have no doubt.
The power to think little think in
New York at o'clock a. m. and have
the thought transmitted to the Paw
paw Plains, Missouri, residents who
receive it at 3 o'clock q. m. central
time, or one hour before it was
thought in New York, ia certainly
great achievement.
When our agent in Wall Street
wires us the daily report Of the bid
ding offers and the selling transac-
tions Of "Amalgated SteaP stock, OF
the Brazilian Rubberneck Production
Agency" the operator in New York
wiggles the key and the good looking
lady at this end Of the Western Union
wire begins TO write the story Of just
how many hundreds of thousands OF
dollars we have made, or lost, since
the close of the markets on yesterday.
If a poor man, his wife and the nine
teen children in the family, get burn
ed TO death in fire in the tenement
district in San Frandoodle, or the
dearly beloved old tomcat belonging to
Mrs. Theodore Russyfelt, Of Oyster
Bay, gets his precious nose scratched
in an encounter with a plebian puss
belonging to one Of the neighbors, the
electric current is set to work and
fairly burns up the wires In the at
tempt to get the news to the deni-
zens of the remote districts.
We have no kick at all on the quail
ity of the service furnished by the
hirelings of the Octopus which owns
and controls the w. u. wires but on
the quality of the stuff which is daily
taking up the time Of the wire we
feel that there is kick coming some
where. Either there is very little of
interest taking place or the eastern
man has a very peculiar idea Of what
is of interest to the mind Of the west
ern reader.
For instance, a file comes to US,
in our daily telegraph service which
is supposed to bring to us, and to
our readers, all the important news
OF the whole world, and part Of Ar
kansas, telling the story of man
who died at the age of one hundred
years, seventeen months and eighty
five days, without ever, in his WHOLE
life, having tasted huckleberry pie.
Or, the story of Lord Funkafoozle,
who comes over to annex the daugh-
ter, and the money, of one Of our
multi -millionaires, and is held up for
six minutes at the custom house be-
cause pair of diamond buckle hose
supporters, intended as gift for his
wifes mother, is discovered in his
luggage.
Or, the relation of the sad story
of how an aged preacher, in Punk
vile, Indiana, fell dead in the pulpit
just after announcing that his text
for the budding sermon would be
"And Hezelsieh said unto Ebeneezer."
Or, that Mrs. Snobb was confined
to the house with an attack Of In
growing toe nail, or that Mr.. Fopp
was intending to change the style of
his haircut this season, or that the
stork was again expected at the home
of the lady who did the laundry work
for the queen Of Spain, or that
Georgia Judge had ordered woman to
get busy and produce a new baby,
or that he had decided that there were
too many babies being produced and
had prohibited the free and unlimit-
ed coinage of babies in his district.
We really appreciate the great bens-
fits of the wire, and we know that
ii would be great disaster to have
the wire taken from the country, but
we do insist that the wire, like many
other great and wonderful inventions,
is daily being put to most ignoble
and ridiculous use.