The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1911-08-24
E9lN .THEeSPU
s5GFs eNowESNT
SS18 BY ROY *. MOULToN.

Now seems to be a good time to put
new roof on the meetin' house.
J. IL IS said hat women always hs:
and make up. but tho fact remains
4 that most OF 'eIn are made UP first.
! The potecat has got the most indi-
f viduaiity of any animal I know OF
and tho snake is longest WASTED.
Outside or a government Job. the
I softest map ! know of Is 10 be a line
/ man for q wireless telegraph company,
! There are only two kinds of wimmtn
who like TO be told they are purity
the married, ones and tho single ones.
Lem Higgins Is getting to be a reg
Ular full-dedge6 socialist He hasn't
missed q single church social In three
years
The best anti-fat cure we know of IS
= 10 try and make a living running a
sevan~colunn paper in a one-column
. town.
Jed Pink ought to be one OF the
clcaneSt fellers in u midst. His wife
keeps him in hot water most OF the
time.
II every Teller was judged by the
love letters he has written, the insane
asyluuls would have to hang out the
S. r o. sign.
This is an ungrateful world. A man
IS no sooner dead than all the relatives
run TO the newspaper and put in q
card OF thanks.
Lem Higgins, chief of our fire de-
partment, expects to so to Chicago
soon TO pick out some new summer
styles in hose.
IL Purdy has travelled about as fur
as any feller in his vicinity. He hag
druv q snMy pillow for A:;se Higgins
for nine "a
The lid is on in our town. William
Tibbits, out popular general store pro-
prietor, has put a. new patent burglar
proof screen over his cracker bar'L
There never was in this world q
baseball team that looked half as good
the first of July as it did the first of
May, and there never will be one.
Elihu Bibbins fell out'n the hay loft
'tother day n knocked his brains out,
but he doesn't mind it much, for he
has since got a good job as chauffeur.
Old man Haskins says he's going to
hire the Hoppertown silver cornet band
to play at his funeral, and then he will
be sure everybody is sorry that he Is
| dead.
MICROBES.
CA news item states that an emil
nent professor in an eastern college
has just discovered microbes on the
handles of baby cabs, which greatly
endanger the nursemaids who push
them).
oh, listen to the scientist, fair nurse,
before you grab
The old familiar handle of the baby
cab.
He has found the deadly microbes who
are making it their lair
The same as he has found them here
and there and everywhere.
here and there and everywhere.
He has found them on the doorknob
n upon the razor hone.
He has found them in the drinking cup
and in the telephone.
He has found them on the dollar bills
and on the mantel clock.
He has found them in the photograph
II in the cookie crock
He has found them in the coffee Dot
and on the chandelier.
has found them In the cedar chest
and on the chAfonter.
He has found them in the auto horn
and on the watch and chain.
He has found them on the necktie pin
and on the walking cane.
He has found them on the onkey
wrench and on the pocket knife.
The fact IS, he's been hunting up these
microbes all his life,
And 1t is pretty safe to bet that, in
the future state,
He will try to fnd some microbes
clinging to the pearly gate.
-
OUR IDEAS OF WEALTH.
Knowing a man who knows a man
whose second cousin owns an automo-
bile.
Getting q folder from a trans-Atlan-
tic steamship line.
Being invited to invest In a western
silver nina scheme
Living next door to a man who
wears silk pajamas,
Having someone ask us what our
high golf score is.
Having sirloin steak once a week.
Being acquainted with a man who
used to sell oil for John D. Rockefeller.
Getting letters with isinglass fronts.
Having two pairs Of rousers at one
time.
Having enough pearl studs to fill a
shirt.
Hearing caruso on the photograph.
SOME FAMOUS A~FFINITIES.
Portia and Bassanio.
Ham and Eggs.
Pygmalion and Galatea.
Potash and Perlmutter.
Romeo and Juliet.
Liver and Bacon.
King Manuel and Gaby Deslys.
Punch and Judy.
Corned Beef and Cabbage
Jack and Jill.
Hamlet n Ophelia-
Fever and Ague.
Beefsteak and Onions.
Antony M Cleopatra.
Pork n Beans.
-
AS THE EXPERTS VIEW IT.
Our standing army's on the blink, our
navy Is about ia sink.
The ranks are hiled with greenhorns
who do not know how to fight.
We may be wiped out any hour by
some aggressive foreign power.
IT'S hardly safe to go to bed and clasa