davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1911-10-07
Vest Pocket ESSAYS
Dawn for Ths washl.sssa Times.

~ nee UPON a time a greedy
man went early to a banquet,
and when he saw the table
heaped up with good things to
eat he bribed a waiter to let him get
at It, This was a great success. When
the other guests arrived he was dead
from overeating, with a smile on his
face.
From this incident arose the habit of
tipping. Tipping is an attempt to get
more than one foot in the trough. Or
ginally the Upper paid the waiter to
feed him, and neglect some other chap.
After that came an era when men paid
walters to protect themselves against
the original tippers. Now everyone tips
to protect himself against the waiter.
Some of our first automobile owners
were walters.
Tipping is very seldom a sign of
hoggishness now-it is a sign of tim
idity: We tip walters, porters, bell boys
and bootblacks to purchase their good
opinion. Men who don't care a hang
what their friends or their country
think of them, would walk home ten
miles rather than endure the frown of
an untipped waiter. They would re-
fuse joyously to contribute dollar to
church fair, but in the presence OF a
The Washington times., 1911-10-07
ACCORDING TO SAMMY

Wen pop catm hoem frum the orfse
yestidday vat did he have avn but one
Of those moo fussy hats wioh the fei-
lows in lavng pants are awi wareins
wen they think they are sposrts.
Good eevn!ns, everybody. set pop.
I sed. Hello, and ma sed. Wat on erth
have you got avn yure he'd A hat,
sed pop a hat. wat did you think II
was, q gold Ash faoktry avn 9 strike.
It looks about as mutoh like that as
enything else. sed ma. if not moar SO
The ideer, she sed, Of kuming hoarn
with a hat like that, wat do you think
you are. a kid.
Of Korse Not
I do not, sed pop, but I'm not q old
man yet by a lawng site. and l think
evry man swt to look as yoothfin Is ne
can weather his wife gets herself like
Muthoozlum or not.
Are you Returning to me, sed ma
I menshin no Mains, sed pop, but II
you don't no a klassy hat when you
see one you must be the one to suffir.
I nevir had a bettir looking hat avn
In my life, he sed, wat do you think.
Sammy.
think II looks bettir than Pud
Simkins bruthirs hat, l sed. are those
hares avn II ment to look like that or
did sumboddy pull them out
Ask the man that maid 1t, sed pop, I'm
going for q wavk, 1 don't get enything
but nocks erround heer. And he went
for q wawk and / went with him, Pritty
soon we met pops boss, who lives sr-
round our way,
All, Tawker, he sed, I see you had .
The Washington times., 1911-10-07

10 her chasr when she sat down to be
waited on.
What can do for you. rissf" I
ehantA Fool thing that. What can
DO for your Nobody ever came N
here yet. with q desire to purchase q
nanny goat or take out q mortgage on
Q steam yacht
'I want a pair Of Shoes" she says,
and I got a smile with 1t. Honest I
d4d Cute little thing7 Say!
Well, the first trip I brought her six
boxes Of the latest fall wear. With my
expert and willing assistance she tried
on the whole six. some OF EN- on both
feet.
''None OF them is just what I'm look
ing for" she says, so / beats 1t
ground the shop for six more. By the
time she'd tried them on. there was a
regular island of shoes around us. But
did she finch? Not at all. Not AT
ALL! She tried on six more pairs.
I've got blisters on my hands yet push
ing them over her dear little heel.
There's no getting around It, she was
Q cute little thing.
After three-quarters OF one hour OF
Il, leaned against the wall and took
q deep breath, and she says, We'll,
ri take q pair Of shoe laces, anyhow,
tcr your troubled" splawsh!
The Washington times., 1911-10-07

moo roof put avn sinss you left the or
hse. Hahahaha-
Yes, sed pop, yes I did. Yes. Did you
heer q toak sumware.
No, sed pops boss, I saw one, HahaAA
You don't think that hats littfl yocth-
I'LL for you, do you, Tawker, he sed.
No, don't, sed pop. and waits moer I
don't see wy I shood, good mite.
Good Mite
Good mite, Tswker. sed pops boss,
hahahahs- Haha- Good mite, haha.
Good mite, ssd pop.
Good mite, ssd pops boss, haha-
Hahaha
I CESS we've wawked snuH Sammy,
sed pop, let's go hoam. And We wswke q
hoam 50 fast had to run.
Ma was avn the frant steps wen We
got hoam and pop sed, wun verd about
this hat. wumin, and I leeve hoam,
nevir to retern.
Tonite Wen pop calm hoam frum ths
orfise he had avn a moo derby hat,
and he sed to ma, In kass you wunt to
no, that othir hat was to small for me.
SO had to get II eckschanged much
as admired It and nutch as It bekaIm
me.
The Washington times., 1911-10-07

deck. The girl leaned against the rail.
The captain was first.
Miss Oldesirl." he said softly, from
the first minute you decorated this ship
with your charming presence 1 have
worshiped you. Yea, worshiped Wor-
SHIPPED. As an old sea dog, the word
ought 10 have ship In II somewhere.
VIII you 60 halves with me for the
rest Of this earthly cruiser
The girl was just about to answer
when the first mate appeared.
Hear me before you promise" he
begged. IF you don't make me the
happiest man on earth will jump
overheard and stick out my tongue At
the lfeboat: Say yes; ah, s'yesr'
Softly. though. The second mate 10
approaching.
Hear me, ere you decide" he BE-
sought. 4 love you 80 much it's a
shame. Nobody did. Nobody could
Won't your
With q start the girl avoks and rub
bed her eyes with two knuckies and
sigh. It was her thirty-second BIRTH
day, and thirty-two is freezing point.
The Washington times., 1911-10-07

heart Iiate picture of you knight
OF dreamsbut husbndrthe whom l going
to belong to for always.
1t foolish little thought and just
schedule little
smile lips, bd-even jok1 would be glad to ii,
being of won't be big enough
to laugh, do
Lessons Patching
Today has been mother turned the
family mendIng do, and then lessons
patching and darnng and the of careful mending
they the wash for light rubbing through
threads and makes little hole bigger and the old saying stitch
in time nine, is really
1t rather fun o put tiny patches my needle
carefully about holes that when through
could hardly them and after while tired felt
dreadfuly proud of every bit that had done
Mother she had learn mend long before she
thinking getting married. that grandmother used teach
her lessons life while she did her stunt"
"Mending declare, like
love life for small Misunderstanding allowed stretches
the and of day till becomes big break
be mendd and the friendship the be thrown aside that
raggedness hidden world"
the needle orbeaance the thread the hand that
guides mends the riffs fes of happiness
sorrow"
New Lease Sef-control
Wasn't pretty lesson learn while bent little
holes big and remember always shall take
hole
of socks button for So, will
mentally well will materially by being married and
"seted down"
is getting you % me the
shadows will good highland it is always good night
knowledge the
down the oblivion of yesterday
The Washington times., 1911-10-07
Tit For Tat.

Determined Man-Yes, when that wait
er resented the smallness of my tip, I
took the case to the proprietor of the
restaurant.
Friend-And what did the proprietor
do? 50.
Determined Mantle gave the waiter
some money out of his own pocket and
apologized to him for having such a
customer-Exchange
The Washington times., 1911-10-07
Had Been in Training.

A man who had undergone court ex-
animation by a lawyer without falter-
ing for second was complimented by
the lawyer later for his accurate man.
ner of recalling early and minor cpl
sodes Of his life.
II was well rehearsed for 1t" said the
witness. 'Only yesterday 1 had to MI
out an application for a telephone. "
Chicago Evening Post. ..
The Washington times., 1911-10-07
A Selfish Girl

Nellie-That Clara De Note Is Just the
rneanest, most utterly selfish girl !
ever saw. She never thinks Of any one
but herself.
Dorado, terli
NelIie-Yes, I ran In there the other
evening for . few moments, and while
I was there Mr.. Nicefellow called.
Well. 1t wasn't long before he requested
her to play. He's passionately fond Of
music, you know. Well. what do you
think that girl did? She asked him to
come to the piano and turn the music
for her just SO couldn't talk to him.
The Washington times., 1911-10-07

the big thin kind Of the
Add plot containin somewhere
foreign nobeman, and slowly
for the genral public able Arm grasp plot
musical comedy 10 ruined For seaonin add
and couple comedians with few good old fashioned
rubbed Serve whenever enough tickets sold whether
quite done
The Plot Is There Somewhere
Bill and had great time, Belle tyin guess plot
the Girl in the Aeropane The American girl and the foreign
nobeman it there girls
mother, into song
evy time Bill and thought had the plot
all up again.
The chorus had the trick Evy time the American
would start tell the girl hst loved her that he right
there when left handed pinochle-Bi
couldn't tell which she ehorsd troopn from
dent places and Bill and would have to all
again tryin' TO make out what all about.
foreign nobeman
fellows and the girls father inherit million
dollars somebody's uncle died before the end of the
the seemed the American fellow love with the
girls fathers WIFE, the pobernaq gon inherit the
nobody found and the gh in love with the leader the
orchestra.
The Washington times., 1911-10-07
THE STAGE DOORKEEPER

'T see." said the staRe-struok youth,
''that Pittsburgh has put the Indian
sign on Gaby Deslys."
"Well," said the stage storekeepsr,
IF was inclined to believe all that I
road and hear would come to the
The Washington times., 1911-10-07
Showing No PaEtiality.

Mrs. >Baye-She is simply mad on tie
subject of germs, and sterilizes or nj
ters everything in the house.
How does she get along with her
family"
.'Oh. even her relations are strained "
Tit Bits . .-
The Washington times., 1911-10-07
Short and Snappy
Scraps of Humor
NGLISH JOKE FOR TODAY

Many of the most beautiful bar
naidens in Brighton are suffering the
pain and temporary Disagreement
arising from bitten lips.
Really" explained one Of the
strrG, the young bloods who come
do from London in August are 3
little too ardentr-The Pink I'm.
The Washington times., 1911-10-07
Seeking Victims.

"How did that city feIler come to run
his automobile in the 'creek?'' asked
Pa Farms. 49,; - .E.=
II guess tn vast nothin' in the road
fer him to run over" said old man
Acres, land so he tried for fish,
The Washington times., 1911-10-07
A True Story.

Seven years ago 1 landed in this
town with only one dollar. but that
dollar gave me my start"
You must have invested " very
prof1tably."
II did. telegraphed home for
money. kansas City Journal.
The Washington times., 1911-10-07

conclusion that something of the kind
was in the air. It's q queer town, this
Pittsburgh, and in this instance Il
looks as though the residenters had
jumped in and gotten q halt-Nelson on
old cove Times forelook Why, they
didn't even wait to find out II it was
really true that Gaby was going to ap-
pear In Gnokeville.
Beat En- To II
When they heard the first whisper
OF q rumor that Gaby was ON the way
with her ropes Of pearls they rose up
In their virtuous might and saad, Nix,
kid. nix
'Of course they won't be able to keep
he1 from appearing there II the man.
aRer decides she is going to, but they,
do say that all of the dowagers have
decided that the way to show their dis
approval VIII be to stay from the the
Rter.
OF course I've never had the pleas
urs OF looking over a census report
of the dowagers Of Pittsburgh, but
1t strikes me that they won't be in
the majority to such an alarming ex-
tent that the box office will suffer.
Honestly, II I had the time and money
and Gaby does appear there, I would
run over to see the first perform
anee. I have the inclination all right,
like I have for lot of other things
that I can't afford.
But there Is one thing sure, and
that Is that the town Mr.. Carnegie
and Mr.. Frick put on the map is al
ways in evidence. It must have q
good publicity manager concealed
somewhere in its fog of coal SCOT.
Overlooked Bet
But If Gaby wanted to get in right
in the dusty village I might have
been able to have tipped her of to
the proper recipe. For she certainly
overlooked a bet"
wise me up, please" said tho
stage-struck youth.
We'll" said the S. D. K, Judging
from the dispatches, have a certain
opinion about q code of morals in ef-
feet over there. She SHOULD have mar
ried little Portugee Nanny and then
divorced him. That would put her
in right with the 'haut ton.' whatever
that may be-"
The Washington times., 1911-10-07
Shimmering Water;
Or, Eight Bells!

The shimmertng moonlight silvered
the placid water. The tinkle OF q banjo
down in the cabin fioated up the COM
panionway and spread itself around the
The Washington times., 1911-10-07
Curious

"Of course, you admit that no self
respecting man would associate with q
wife beater."
"of course" replied Mr.. Meekton
timidly. But, do you know, I'd Ike te
see one, Just out Of curiosityv'
The Washington times., 1911-10-07
Was Only Resting.

why do you make that patient wait
three hours every day in your ante
roomT'/
He needs rest" explained the doctor.
''snd that is the only way can compel
him to take t."-Indfanapolis Sun
The Washington times., 1911-10-07
Our Shoe Man Says,
Cute Little Thing

Honest to shoehorns, she was q cute
hftIe thing. httle natural blonde, you
know. with a baby stare and the ttniest
little soo4sisst I beat three other clerks
The Washington times., 1911-10-07
An Invitation

Him-You are the breath OF my
life.
ner-Did you ever try holding your
hreathS
The Washington times., 1911-10-07

and anxious. If they do not tip the
check boy as much as the last fellow
did, he will think them stingy. and
what is life without the good opinion
of a check boy?
In America the tip is a hold-up, but
in Europe 1t is an institution like aris-
tocracy and the tourist It is possible
The Washington times., 1911-10-07
NJ A ME TELLS BELLE
The Music and the Comedy
Are the Funniest Things
ABOUT MUSICAL COMEDIES

IL and took in The Girl in the Aeroplane" las
night, Belle. Do you know how to make mus-
cal comedy. Belle? III give you the recipe in case
you ever want to waste your time nixin' one:
Take any stage and pour on two acts O. rather
thin music. You get the music at any music
store, and any compossr'n change it up for you
SOS the audience won't remember sxacIy what
shows they heard it in before.
Thep take fifty chorus girfs-of fifty diff rent
sizes and shapes, If possible-and strew EN-
around here and there. Even if some of EN- can
sing little, it don't necessarily disqualify EN-
The Washington times., 1911-10-07
Had Good Reason.

Gibbs-How are Holsters caught?
Bibbs-Don't ask me. I'm no chorus
girl.-Exchange. s.-'
The Washington times., 1911-10-07
THE REAL LOVE LETTERS.
That He Received
TelHng the PIaos
OF HIS BRIDE TO BE

2AREST: Your letter today was the incest
have had In long time. Naturally they all
more dear to me than anything in the world, but
today's came closer to my heart, because it
vealed of the little things that fill each hour
ness and your pleasure, and your hopes and fears
and dreams, and am proud-oh, so proud-that
you feel that you can tell me of them, knowing
a. SH yo snsnd ;,% kf M to y,
o'clock-now he's eating breakfast; 8.30-probaby
he is starting for the office" and through the
The Washington times., 1911-11-08

data relative TO sales. transfers. and
building operations; fourth. that the as
sessments shall be made each year for
the entire District, and that personal
notice shall be given OF every change
in assessments; fifth, that there shall
be complete and accurate record as
30 prices paid for all real estate, and
that these records shall be under the
direction and care OF the assessor and
the two deputy. assessors.
Nearer Equalization.
"It is believed" said Assessor Rich
ards. that the remedy suggested will
tend to "a nearer equalization Of real
estate assessments. Everyone will be-
come better informed as to the exact
date of appeal, and the appeal period
cam be greatly shortened to the ad'
vantage OF both the office and the
property holder. Small 'rregul 1ritias
when called to the attention of the of
fce, can be corrected without WAITING
for a por!od of several years as is now
necessary. The taxpayer will feel h.
Is fairly Geulr with In having a board
of review, whose ideas are In no wity
included in the original or tentative
assessment"
Mr.. Richards will return to Washing
ton next Wednesday, and his report
probably, will be submitted to the Com
missioners within the next ten days.
The Washington times., 1911-11-08
PROPOSED CHANGE
IN ASSESSMENTS TO
. Be OBJECT OF TRIP
Mr.. Richards Goes to New
York for Data-Plan Of
Henry George, Jr.

For the purpose OF obtaining jnforna-
ton relative to the proposed change
IRON tricnnial to an annual osscss-
ment OF real estate, Assessor Richards
VIII leave Washington Saturday for
New York, where he will hold confer
ence with lawson Purely, president of
the board of taxes and asseSsn ents OF
New York city.
The visit was decided upon following
the conference between the Commits
sioners and Congressman Genry George.
jr.. of New York, at which Mr.. Rich
ards was present. Mr.. George expressed
himself as strongly In favor of the pro-
posed change. declaring no other plan
would receive mis- support. Mr.. Purdy
is an acknowledged authority on mat
ters of assessments. From him Mr..
richards will n5tain data showing the
methods d annual assessments, upon
which will be based "a report to be sub
mitted TO the Commissioners.
An Annual Assessment.
For several years Assessor Richards
has recommended an annual instead of
a trlenniai assessment. The following
are some of the objections made by hin,
against the present methods;
First. that II is impossible, with tho
force allowed By law, To cover the
ground within the time designated and
give thorough and exhaustive study tc
real estate values; second, that the
same men who make the initial or ten
| tative assessment are allowed to serve
| on the board of review. and at time,
! continue a majority OF that. board, Sc
! there is not the appearance of an un
| biased hearing to property owners
| third, that the number constituting tho
| board of review is larger than neces
sary, as cities several times the size o
washir gton find il more businesslike tt
have q board of review of about one
| half the number of the board of thi:
| city: fourth, that the assessments fixeC
| for the first year of the period of tri
| ennial assess ment are apt TO become
Unequal by the time the total assess
! T 'nt is finished.
| The remedy suggested by Mr.. Rich
rds Is. first. to have the city divided
/ into three or more sections, with tw'
| assistant assessors for each section
who would make both personal and rea
| estate assessments; second, to have {
board of review consisting of the as
1 SCISSOR and two deputy assessors. tn
| estate assessments and the second t.
have charge of personal assessments
| third. the Board of Review to have NJ
| part in the initial assessment except I,
| furnish the assistant assessors with al
The Washington times., 1911-11-08
Pugh Fines Colored
Lawyer for Contempt

In United States branch Of Police
Court today Judge James l.. Pugh Or
dered the arrest Of John Moss, a col
ored lawyer, for contempt of court
After imposing "a fine of $40 for the con-
tempt. Judge Pugh caused the offend
Ing man to be placed in the dock. A
subsequent apology from Moss led the
court to remit the fine after giving the
offender scafhing reproof.
Moss was defending a man charged
with the larceny of two chisels valued
at 30 cents each. The court considered
the Governments evidence conclusive,
sisted on addressing the court until
checked by the contempt proceeding.
The Washington times., 1911-11-08
CASCARETS FOR A
SICK, SOUR STOMACH
Gently but thoroughly cleanse and
regulate your Stomach, Liver and
Bowels while you sleep.

That awful sourness. belchinG of acid
and foul gases: that pain in the pit
Of the stomach the heartburn, ner-
vousness. nausea. bloaIing after eat
ing feeling of fullness. dizziness and
sick headache means indigestion; a dis
ordered stomach. which cannot be reg
ulated until YOU remove the cause. II
isn't your stomach's fault. Your stom-
Gch is as good as any.
Try Cascarets: thev cure indigestion!
because they Immediately cleanse and
regulate the stomach. remove the sour,
undigsted and fermerting food and fouI
gases; take the excess bile from the
liver and carry Off the decomposed
waste matter and poison from the in.
testines and bowels. Then your stom.
ach trouble Is ended forever. A Cas-
csret tonight will straighten you out
by nlorning-a 10-cent box from any
drug store will keep your entire family
feeling good for months. Don't forge,
the childrep-their little insidcs need a
good. gentle cleansing. too.
The Washington times., 1911-11-08
@ UNDERWOOD r UNDERWOOD
VICE ADMIRAL BOREA DOLINO.
Horse Blanket for Bed,
I Appropriation Is Fined

Robbing a horse to furnish his own
bed was the offense for which William
johnson, colored, was fined $40 in
United States branch of Police Court
today.
The blanket on horse belonging to
the White Cross Milk Company ap-
pealed to johnson. He took the
blanket, and Detectives Grant and
Armstrong, of the Central Bureau.
found it on Johnsons bed in a room
in the rear Of 32S Missouri avenue. The
defendant was employed in the Bur-
dough Stables, where the milk com
pany keeps its horses.
The Washington times., 1911-11-08
Tonsiline
Cures
Smokers
Sore Throat

food is swallowed with difficulty.
IF nothing is done to prevent it, the
disease may develop into cancer Of the
throat. Hundreds Of men have had to re-
sort to surgical operations because of it.
many have died as a result of it.
If you have smokers sore throat, don't
disregard it. It may be gone tomorrow
but twill surely return again and in more
seyere form. It is Natures danger signal.
TONSlLlNE will positively cure you
and keep the throat clean and healthy,
preventing the consequences Of neglect.
TONSILlNE is the result of years of care
full study and practical work, and is made
from drugs used for years in the cure of
throat diseases. TONSILlNE destroys the
poison germs of all kinds of sore throat
and cleanses away painful and poisonous
liberation. 1t soothes and heals the tender
mouth and throat membranes and removes
the cause of throat trouble.
A quick, safe, soothing, healing
antiseptic cure for Sore Throat, III
briefly describes TONSlLlNE.
We know from long experience X
it will do all we claim for it.
25 cents and so cents. Hospital
Size $1.00. All Druggists. "a