The mirror. (Stillwater, Minn.) 1894-1925, 1911-01-05
a lecture on
Patent Medicines

Ladies and Gentlemen:-My name
is Puff Stuff, the physician to that
great and mighty Han Kann, En-
peror of all the Chinas; / was con-
verted to Christianity during the
embassy of the late Lord Marcartney,
and left that there country, and came
to this here, which may be reckoned
the greatest blessing that ever hap
pened to Europe, for I've brought
with me the unparalleled, inestimable,
and ever-to-be-matched medicines:
the first is called the great Parry
Mandyron, Rapskianum, from Whan-
dy Whang WhaEg-one drop of
which, poured into any of your gums,
if you should have the misfortune
to lose your teeth, will cause new
set to sprout out, like mushrooms
from a hot bed; and if any lady
should happen to be troubled with
that unpleasant and redundant exu-
berance, called beard, it will re-
move it in three applications, and
with greater ease than Packwood's
razor strops.
I'm also very celebrated in the
cure Of eyes; the late Emperor of
China had the misfortune to lose his
eyes by cataract. l very dexter
ously took out the eyes of his Majes-
ty, and after amounting the sockets
with particular glutinous applica-
ton, ! placed in two eyes from the
head of a living lion, which not only
restored his Majesty's vision, but
made him dreadful to all his enemies
and beholders. / beg leave to say,
that have eyes from different ham
nimals, and to suit all your different
faces and professions. This hear bot
tie which ] holds in my and, is
called the great-elliptical- -asiatical-
panticurial-nervous cordial, which
cures all the diseases incident to hu-
manity. / don't like to talk of N.Y.
self, ladies and gentlemen, because
the man that talks of himself is a
Hegotist; but this l will venture to
say, that l am not only the greatest
physician and philosopher of the
age, but the greatest genius that
ever illuminated mankind-but you
know l don't like to talk of myself:
you should only read one Of my lists
of cures, out of the many thousands
have by me; if you knew the ben
efits so many people have received
from my grand-elliptical- -asiatical-
panticurial-nervous cordial, t h t
cures all diseases incident to human
ity, none of you would be such fools
as to be sick at all. I'll just read
one or two. Read several letters.)
Sir, / was jammed to jelly in a
lin-seed-oil mill; cured with one bot
tle." Sir, I was cut in half in saw
pit; cured with one bottle" Sir, /
was boiled to death in soap-manu
factory; cured with half a bottle. y
Now comes the most wonderful of
all.
Sir, venturing too near a pow
der-mill at Faversham, l was, by a
sudden explosion, blown into mil
lion of atoms; by this unpleasant ac-
cident, was rendered unfit for my
business, Ca bankers clerk; but
hearing of your grand-elliptical-asi-
Observation-Disclosures cordial,
Twas persuaded to make essay there
OF; the first bottle united my strayed
particles; the second animated my
shattered frame; the third effected
radical cure; the fourth sent me
home to Lombardy street, to count
guineas, make out bills for accept
ance, and recount the wonderful
effects of your grand-elliptical-asi-
Observation-Disclosures rd la l,
that cures all diseases incident to
humanity.
-DR. Purr STUFF.