davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Holbrook news., 1911-12-15
AS TO CHILDREN OVERHEAD
Mrs. Gobbleton conViness Her Illus band the Only Desirable Flat
 Is Next to Roof.

'T think, and I have always thought" said MT. Gobbleton. that it's a good thing to have living in the fiat over you family with children. This is contrary to the general opin- ion. know, and when I propound my theory to Mrs Gobbleton she says, Stuff and nonsensei' But I think there's something in it.
 What we want, or what we need most. is a chance to sleep nights. hold that if there are children over head we get that rest at night be- cause then the people there keep quiet so as not to disturb their chill dren, to which Mrs. Gobbleton again says. Stuff and nonsensei'
 She says that I'm just a theoriz- CT, that I get an idea about how things ought to be, and then I think that's the way they are. But she says that if we have children over head we get their noise all day. and the noise of the grown-up people at night just the same. There may be cases in which the people do keep quiet on their children's account. but lO TSly Ou any lulnB Ol lHlS SOTI WOuIu be taking a frightful chance. for. on the other hand, there are people who put their children to bed nights and shut up their rooms and then go ahead just the same and have card parties and sing and dance till 2 o'clock in the morning, and their children never know 1t. but we know It. and we know 1t again a little later when their children are up and pounding up and down the hall at 6 o'clock. so that we can't sleep then.
 No she says to me. there's noth- Ing in my notion. I'm just a theor- lzer'
 Well. then I say to her. you'd say that the only flat to live in would be one under the roof?'
 Now she says to me, now, AL gernon. you are showing some signs of sanity. That's the sort of flat we want the next time we move.'"
The Holbrook news., 1911-12-15
THE WRONG JOHNSON
coLoRED CONGREGATION GETS
 ANGRY AT LECTURER.
Announcement of Talk on Johnson" Makes Negroes Cough Up for Tickets, supposIng It Was
 Black Champion.

l New York.-There was a near-rtot at the Ashbury African Methodist Episcopal church in Fifty-third street when a lecturer, Elroy Todd Tolliver, Ph. D., of Bath county, Virginia, was 1 attacked with such fury by his audi ence that it took ten policemen to rescue him.
 The pastor of the church, Rev. Dr. Caleb Tabour, formerly of Jackson vile, Fla, announced that a fall course of lectures would be given, the course to run three months, thir- teen lectures in all, for only $1.5O.
 Keen interest was shown by the big congregation when Rev. Dr. Tabour said that the first lecturer was to be Dr. Elroy Todd Tolliver of Virginia, and that his subject would be "A Day in the Life of Johnson"
 Every one of the colored folk pres ent wished to hear about Johnson, evidently, and at the close of the services 300 tickets were sold, and during the week nearly 1000 more were disposed of.
 The church was packed when Dr. Tabour appeared on the rostrum with Dr. Tolliver, an extremely black man, with smiling, glistening and intelli- gent face. He spread his notes on the reading desk. A little cheer, led by Butch Hogan, negro politician, and E. Wesley Day, the president of the African Sportsmen's club, was given.
 The applause was gratifying to the lecturer, and he bowed. Speaking in bass voice, he said:
 Leaving his humble lodgings, the sto.t man with the big head and the scar on his face, followed by the ever attentive Boswell, made his way to Fleet street, and, pausing in front of his publishers, the famous lexicograph- CT raised"
 "The what?" Gabriel Musty, graduate of Hampden university and second cousin of Langford, the fighter. missed the words out.
 Yes, MT Lecturer You. man, what that you call Johnson?" cried Butch Hogan.
 Photographer" mildly said the lecturer.
 Messrs. Hogan, Joel Tawnye, Jas per Sturgeon and MT. Musty and a thousand others looked puzzled and began to murmur. Finally MT. Tawnye spoke up and said:
 Skip that part of 1t and get down to his actions on the day you are talking about Did he lick any one?"
 NO. my, friend; this great man could not fight" said the lecturer. Pardon me if smile, but Dr. Samuel Johnson would never have indulged in physical combat with any one"
 Gan I ask a question:" said MT. Hogan
 Yes, friend"
 Who are you talking about?"
 'Dr Samuel Johnson"
 What does he dor"
 He has been dead more than 100 years" said Dr. Tolliver. But he wrote beautiful books, Lives of the Poets,' and he wrote a dictionary"
 Say, let me ask you, mister: Do you know about Jack Johnson? And ain't you goin' to talk about him?"
 No; he is of no interest to @ learned man; be is a troglodyte, a."
 About that time some one fired a hymn book at the speaker; 1t was followed by the shoe of a negro who hadn't anything else to throw, and then the crowd closed in.
 Hereafter that congregation will be particular to know what they are giv- ing up money for.
The Holbrook news., 1911-12-15
1zE No0EeU EVGAZze A0 GeAtzWSGR

RELIC. marvelously old, and
 strangely moving to the i'm agination of men who remem- Der history, was taken through I.nndon a faW daHs ago. and
The Holbrook news., 1911-12-15

A neat natty and practical head wear for women. automobilists Is this cap, which Is modelled after the soft material college hats of dressy youths and retains all the jauntiness of the latter.
 It is made of soft white felt. hay Ing a colored band; the veil being at-
The Holbrook news., 1911-12-15
Apparatus,

'T was just wondering one thing In all this talk of weighing souls" What are you wondering?"
 If they can do 1t with a spirit level"
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31
Laws Pedal Extremities

The a
finally
themselves be gatonafter
INTO business probable
baseball (which,
with by cent political
OF
laid before the Judge this genemanl and consulted
HIS
and e permitting preside that date
the
actually made
Another collection all
the client
ct
thousand other
of delayed Witnesses celebrations and forth
first
Finally client searched
the
heard month previously he had
about that suit mine? Didn't tell at the foot of the
calendar? Why the reached?
oh err drowsiy drons the attorney that of yours?
of sobut last week
assigned 1t the other foot!"
DR. MAUDE GLASGOW, New York woman physician, says
We've discouraged that
we don't a continental If anything
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31
In Little Old New York

NEW YORK, July 31.-Is there
still any graft in New York city?
oh. yes, a trifle, now and then,
here and there.
For instance, it has just been
discovered by the com missioner of
accounts, one Mr.. Fosdick, who
keeps prying into things all the
time, that for its safe-and-sane
Fourth of July fireworks the city
agreed to pay $31,630, while the
actual value of the said fireworks,
Including expense of transporta-
ton and firing, and a reasonable
profit, was $13,
The company to which was let
the contract for "a displays in
Brooklyn was composed of two
gentlemen who work for a rubber
concern during that portion of the
year when they are not a fire
works company. They do not
make any fireworks. They only
make money. The city paid them
SO, 400 for the Brooklyn displays,
and they paid $4,000 to the per-
sons who actually furnished the
fireworks.
Spectators. Idea.
This left quite a neat little prof
it. The opinion of the people who
saw some of the displays is that
$500 would have covered the cost
of everything that was shot off.
1t was also learned by the in
quisitive Fosdick that the alder
man through whom the contracts
were let had nice 500 display
of fireworks at his summer home
on Long Island, which did not
cost him anything at all. The
alderman does not deny it,
Things haven't changed so
much since the. old Tweed days.
Perhaps the stuff they pulled
then was a little rougher, that is
all. The tracks are covered bet
ter today.
Tweed, at the height of his
power, met an old friend on the
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31

street one day, seedy and out of a
job. They talked over old days.
Tweed slapped the seedy one on
the back and said:
"Where's the Park?"
You stop down at the city pay
masters office on the first of the
month. There will be something
there for YOU"
The seedy one showed up at the
window all right, and the paymas-
ter showed him out an envelope
with 1925 in it, at the same time
remarking cheerily: Hello, Jim!
You too, eh?"
Say, Bill, what am 1 supposed
to be doing for this?" inquired the
job holder.
you're caretaker of Mount
Morris park" was the reply.
Where the h is Mount Nor
ris park" asked Tweed's friend.
How do l know" was the an
swer. You're too particular.
Move on. You're blockin' the
window"
Jim moved along, and though
he visited the window regularly
every month for many years, he
never found out where Mount
Morris park was.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31
by Fred Schaefer.


There was a slight drizzle of
rain, but Cocksure Combes and
DR.. Snobson were not prevented
by that from taking their morn
ing constitutional. AS they walk
ed through the city, keenly noting
everything calculated to give in
struction they observed a well set
up young man striding along. He
wore a pearl gray derby or bowl
er hat as Cocksure called 1t, was
putting sedately at bulldog pipe,
was dressed in a good suit of
tweeds, took long strides in thick
soled shoes and had his walking
gloves negligently unbuttoned.
"An Englishman, | dare say"
commented DR.. Snobson.
Dare say? MUST say" re-
proved Cocksure. why, Snob-
son, the sight of that chap makes
me homesick, bah Jove. Why he
might be walking down Picadilly
instead of this new world street.
It's bally bad form, don't you
know, but / must stop him and
wiring his hand, old fellow"
Some moments later Cocksure
and his companion turned away
from the supposed Britisher much
Icrestfallen. He turned out to be
an AmericaniZed Turk going to his
work as a French bread maker in
a German restaurant after a night
at a Polish picnic.
Marvellous" sighed DR.. Snob-
son. as they sat over a solace of
B. and S. in a cool retreat. MAR
lvelousi"
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31
If Land Keeps Going Up

Completed figures n
Increased population demand.
Here obvious
mu Is twce for
get
And twice for rich monopolize it.
Higher priced land necessarily higher priced food
OF
But so things may happen
GRACE
w Of as an
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31
NO INSOMNIA HERE

NO INSOMNIA HERE
Mrs EadeNow tibet you've got rich should think
be afraid o. burglars.
Mrs McSwimmsre, I'm not afeard ALL at ALL
clocks will
the night Whin burglar hears
take anything wild him.
Mrs. Eastsde-But don't they
McSwimm-No, indade not be walked up
little like
kitchen Teddy Micky policeman Philadelphia
NAVAL DREAM
Mr. Recentmarrie-Mary do hope will
beans for again. those had last night
dream.
Mrs Recentmarrie-oh, John, what the
Mr. RecentmarrieI dreamed captured by Capt
and made to walk the plank.
The customer had hours
Well" she said turning to
cheaper heating plant than
In that am" the salesman said,
permit to suggest that try red
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31
This One for Mother

There confusion which masculine clothes
"A Judge in a suffrage state asked
Where the lady who is the plaintiff in this case?"
81 the plaintiff, honor" boysh-ookng person
"The dickens are" exclaimed the judge.
prejudice
against the habiments of the woman"
judge
inform that don't the
with this They all married men,
a shirl the corrected him.
You're Off Judge. Four of married women!"-
Washington Herald.
SAN DIEGO patient is suing doctor for breaking his ribs
while him diabetes good,
strong matera medical Southern California has it.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31

or day In Happy
Valley, T e n H.,
and fiddling was
your occupation
and holding pub
lie office your
regular recre-
alton, would you
be a care-free
optimist? No, in
deed, you'd be
Senator Robert
L. IL. stands for
L o v e) Taylor,
and you'd also
be 81 years old
today. "The Ten
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31
most
ANYTHING

Hank Stebbins, the ambitious
middle-aged farmer, ran breath
less into his house the other day.
What didger call me for; it
amt dinner time" he said to
Mrs. Stebbins.
~ didn't call YER" said she.
And come to find out it was
one of them touring car horns
that yelled "honk honk" to scare
q hen.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31

nessee moonshiners would dryly
remark, Lets irrigate," which is
sprung just about the time the
fiddling senator celebrates his
birthday.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31

fled from the capitol. Hamilton
r. Gamble, the new governor, de-
clared Internationally in favor of
the Union and Missouri remained
a Union state.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31

the people of
Missouri elected
a new governor,
and other Off
cials, the regu-
larly elected in
cumbents having
Joined the Sc
cessionists a n d
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31
All Aboard for "Smash"

bought electric railroad with IA
a power plant, electric light
the bunch
They Americans in Canada don't want to home
a country 1.-The mob"
strictly things light let EN-
ADMIRAL TOGO coming to OF the law
a a finish, can't
% Dewey?
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31

Mrs. Sue Landon Vaughan, ia
nous as the woman who first in
spired Memorial day exercises, is
dead, aged rs.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31
You Did. Didn't You?

Dear Most Anything: | saw 8
poetic effusion of yours in which
you tried to rhyme the French
word eclat with vat and hat. Any
fool knows better than that.
II. l.. B.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31
WAITING FOR AN OPINION

WAITING FOR OPINION
the Don't
know that know lying?"
"Yassuh replied Rastus but Marse Henry kind O.
subject beo decided
lynn TO sho mahself Now is, Mare Hen
regularly sub"
HONESTY BARBER
Thirty
chair why that Shaves
half price,"
know have admitted tonsorial artist but
dishonest
raised price so cents ?"'t
BANDAGE
Little Wiie-Say why is Justice always bndfolded?
Pa-Because she is forever getting black
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31

Boston health experts are ex-
cited over the germs found in ice
cream. Surely Boston doesn't
eat anything as frivolous as ice
cream.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31
And He Was, Too

And He Was, Too.
An lola, Kas., man cashed a
check for a friendly stranger in
Kansas City the other day. Then
he discovered that the check was
signed gu. B. Stung."
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31
TODAY IN HISTORY

July 81, 1861, Just so years ago
today, the convention called by
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31
Vacation IdIes.

Yes, many man at vacation is
sore
And says: "I'll be glad when the
two weeks are Ger"
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31

A st. Louis Judge says he finds
newspaper men as honest as law
yers. These judges can be pretty
mean sometimes.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31

The winters in Pekin, China,
are intensely cold.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31
OUR DAILY BIRTH
DAY PARTY.

II your middle name was Love
and you had first seen the light
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31

"Stringer a Lorimer Witness"
reads newspaper headline. From
the varied testimonies, it Is appar-
ent that there have been num-
Der of "stringers" on the wit
ness stand.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31

Absolutely the quickest lunch
house in the City,-Where?
At
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31
lll| s.!

= erries, Ice Cream and Melons,
everything In the eating line.
s1S commereo Street
The Millionaires' Club"
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31

Entered at the postoffioe at Tacoma Wash. as
.econd-cIass matter. TBLEGRAPHIC SERVICE
OF UNITED PRESS ASSOCIATION
PUBLISHED EVERY EVENING EXCEPT SUM-
DAY BY THE TACOMA TIMES PUBLISHING
COMPANY.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31

Pittsburg expects to be "a whole
Hot better under the commission
form of government. It's a COM
fort to reflect that she can't pos
.Sibly be worse.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31

BY Edgar Allen Poe.
For the moon never beams with
out bringing me dreams
OF the beautiful Annabel Lee,
And the stars never rise, but ]
feel the bright eyes
OF the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so. all the night-tide, 1 lie
down by the side
or my darling-my darling--my
life. and my bride,
In the sepulchre there by the sea,
In her tomb by the sounding sea.
NronnAsx... III
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31

The Methodists at the annual
camp meeting now in session in
Chicago have about decided that
Job was a myth. But the lesson
was not.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31

SWAT THE FLY!
There was maid in our town,
And she was wondrous wise;
She jumped into the dining room
And swatted all the flies.
Chicago Tribune.
And when the dining room was
cleaned
|. OF flies, she got to itchin'
To swat some more. and so she
killed
All that were in the kitchen.
Los Angeles Express.
And when she'd cleaned the
kitchen up
She felt quite acrobatic,
And with a mop she went atop
To swat 'em in the attic.
Schenectady Union.
And when she had the attic clear,
No one did have to tell 'er
That she should finish up the Job
And swat 'em in the cellar.
Allentown Democrat.
And while she swatted down be-
low,
Those flies, they raised the
Q deuce.
They filled the rooms she'd left
and so
She sighed, ooh, what's the
uSe?"
New York Globe.
At last she had a bright idea,
A fly-preventing plan;
She got a new, tight-fitting lid
To grace the garbage can.
Caruso blames press agent
for the reports of his lost voice
He says his voice never wandered
away for an hour.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31
Poor Old Morocco

Moocco Why we've heard of it. It's land of some
Germany France England and Spain And anybody lives
We will publish the glad tidings
PREMIER ASQUITH got peers n
BILL
70
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31

What are big fortunes made in?
In sugar or ice,
Or steel will suffice;
That's what big fortunes ar
made in.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31

Looks more squally i'm Mexico
every day.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31

Pensacola, Fla, refuses Car
negie's money for public library
on the ground that it is tainted.
Still, Andy got an advertisement,
which is some satisfaction.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31

New York ratifies the federal
income tax, making 81 states now
in line.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31

Not that she needed it. but just
to show her class, San Diego had
a nice rain, Monday.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31
Do You Remember

Those good old days when you
had to wink at the soda fountain
clerk to get a stick in it?
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31

When your employer finds you
are studying his business, says
Success, he will keep his eyes on
you. Like enough, and maybe
he'll soon ask you to go to some
nice surety company and put
yourself under bond, at your own
expense. Much depends on the
employer.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31

Kubelik says the standard OF
violin playing is going III
steadily.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31

If Canada insists on referen.
dunn for reciprocity, and votes II
down, what joke on Taft! But
probably she won't.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31
He Hit the High Spots.

He Hit the High Spots.
John Pommer has returned
from Los Angeles, CAL, where HI
spent the last 16 months. Younl
Mr.. Pommer praises the coas
country in which he was located
very highly.-Waterlo Ia.
Courier.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31

'Dear Observations: My face
is a mass of most distressing PIN
pies and smarts terribly every
time | expectorate tobacco juice.
What should l do with it,
George H." Run it through one
of these machines in which they
prepare meat for Hamburger
steak, George. Dye think we're
running q bubonic plague
column?
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31

Judge Bordwell decides that
the fraud by which Mcnamara
was got to Los Angeles has no
effect upon the principle in
volved." Certainly not! 1t isn't
Sound law unless there's some
sort of fraud in it, nowadays.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31

Admiral Togo on leaving home
told his wife not to write him any
letters as they would distract his
mind on his round-the-world trip.
Togo's going to be the fashion in
this country pretty soon, fellers.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31

A teacher was reading to her
class and came across the word
unaware" She asked if anyone
knew it's meaning. One small girl
timidly raised her hand, and gave
the following definition:
Unaware is what you take off
the last thing before you put your
nightie on. "-Everybody's.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31
Definitions

Out of the and heat of midsummer debate in
senate chamber fluttered definitions:
'Standpatter One who has stopped can't start"
Progressive: One who has started stop"
We're progressive, those Why should nation
stop? Why not keep going on?
AN Indian returned to his reservation in Wisconsin boasts
having his buffalo, N
a change in things?
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31

Wickersham recommending that
DR.. Wiley be permitted to resign
for hiring extra help ought to set
Washington to roaring, hot as IT
is.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31

The wealth of the Rothschilds
is put at $4,000, 900, four
times the probable wealth of the
Rockefellers.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31

A Kansas fisherman declares
that catfish will purr like TOM
cat when it is stroked the right
way. Did he ever try smoking a
German carp and hearing it sing
eli le? Hi lo"?-Kansas City
Star.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31

Judge and prosecutor in the
Boss Cox case at Cincinnati have
got to the point of throwing each
other out of the room. Dignity
of the law is really not so very far
behind dignity of the bar room.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31

Southern Pacific railroad has
paid out nearly a million dollars
lin pensions in eight years, GIG
persons receiving benefits. The
average payment is over $1,000.
The Tacoma times. [volume] (Tacoma, Wash.) 1903-1949, 1911-07-31

Oklahoma man sues for divorce
because when he told her it was
bad to smoke and drink in public
she replied: 1.-The public BIZ
damned" and when she went tt
bed she clattered her pistol on the
floor. There are still fellows il
Oklahoma who expect to get per.
feet angels when they marry.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-08-05
HOTEL WESTNTONT

Most attractive hotel, with surround.n.
lawns: close TO beach; new Casino and Ma
,atoFtnm. Capacity 800. Elevator, private
paths, etc; sea water and tonic baths
MODERATE RATEs-Rookist
NJ. r. SoMERs. Manager.