davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-06-27
CAN'T EVEN MAKE nurroN-HoLps

Why don't the young things learn
how to do something? What are they
here for? To wear rats in their hair.
10 Try on hobhle skirts and make them
selves conspicuous in public places.
to have good time with their fell
iows9 Pity the fellows after they
have been caught and shall be com
PEELED to 1.-Two all the time with the
inanities of existence, Only yester-
day, fashionable dress maker was
complaining about how hard it was TO
get any OF tho girls to work button
ho.es very simple thing 1t would
aeom' and SO she hal to employ lady
seventy years of aga to do this work.
and and she does 1t well. because none of
no : Younger = generation y appear ia
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-06-27

Brother Thomas Phillips, OF LONDON
preac hed in the Fifth Avenue Presby-
'efian Church in New York on sun
day He has been in the United statos
ABOUT a week, had preached in Phila-
ae'phia and Boston. and took occasion
70 tell his congregation on SUNDAY
.hat the people In New York and Lon
don seem to be SO busy that they have
i,ttie room in their lives for God. and
mat at the present time the Church
Is passing through an eclipse, and
iacks the fire and dash of the old
Gays. "A little lacking In Are we
should say; but with rather too much
dash for sober and effective work
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-06-27
LUXE LEAFS sAcn1E1or,

Mrs, Angelina Napolitano is confined
In the sault Ste Marie prison In Can
ada under sentence of death for The
murder Of her husband She has four
children. DR.. II. S. Tanner. Of Los
Angeles. who acquired considerable
reputation a few years ago by fasting
for the period OF forty days. has ad.
dressed aietter to Earl Grey, cover
General OF Canada. protesting that
her execution VIII he nothing short OF
murder-"the foulest blot in the crimi-
nal annals OF this or any other coun-
try'-and offering himself as a substi-
tute for Mrs. Napolitano. DR.. Tanner
Is eighty-two years OF age. ana this
is good advertising for him. because
+: was perfectly safe offer for him Ia
mako, as the Governor General OF Can
ada has no authority whatever to &C
cept any substitute for the crime OF
which this woman was guilty, and for
;,ths.=4ommlasiQa sal -whaQn. Fhs. has b ssn
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-06-27

treaty with Canada would mako. tho
way Is perfectly plain for all Demo-
Gratis and such Republicans as are
soocrly minded. The passage of tho
reciprocity bill Will mako tho cause OF
tarin reform very much easier VII
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-06-27

When you hitch your horse at one
OF the racks or hitchlng posts always
loosen the check rein. The horse
would like it, and it would not hurt
you. How would you like to have a
bit In your own mouth and have Your
mead checked so high that you Couldn't
look around without the iron cutting
into your flesh?
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-06-27

Shall Murphy Effect Taft?" asks
the New York World. We do not
think he could. but if he should it is
only fair to say that Murphy might
do great deal worse.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-06-27

"A newspaper is for sane people"
says the New York World; to which
we would add, the newspaper. being
for sane people, should be conducted
as if that were really It's only mission.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-06-27
MAIkE rHE AuroMon1,ps I.

senator simmons, of North Caro-
iiha' mas Introduced bill I'm tho
states Senate providing for an
STATE taN on automobiles ana also a..
approximation of 81. 900, 900 unnuaIlv 20,
me benefit of the roads on which ~
'urai mails are carried. His est,n,.,
mat one out of every Ave or ,ba
'oO.ooo automobiles in use in tba
ohited States is employed In interstate
'ravei and that the $1,000 900 he nro.
poses Tor permanent highway CO..
struction can be obtained nv
eaeh machine engaged in lnter,ts,.
'faVei Slo the year In presenting b,s
case to the Senate. Mr.. sImmon.
GAINED that while We have the ana.,
railroads In the world we have ~.
'oorest highways. that of the 2.15o.ooo
'i'iies OF the highways in this cor,,ry
me Government is using 900 600 r,i,as
IN carving the mails, and. in tho
opinion OF the North CaroIins st,,a
man. nan the Government is under obliga-
''o'' 70 the farmers to aid In tho
maintenance OF these roads ue 81.
inmates that the proper improvemsn,
OF the wagon roads would s,y.
farmers ii les from three hundred 10 four
hundred million dollars the wear IL -
cost OF transporting their crops ia
ne would have the automobiles wh,ot,
use these roads so freely nav ,ha,r
snare for their Improvement.
The proposition will probab,v b.
received with great deal Of favor
ana. while we do not think i, 10 NJ
part Of the business of the Genera
government to engage in the i'm.
provement of the highways in the soy
erai States OF the country. tho f,no.
lions OF he Federal Government boy.
oeen SO widely extended nndcr ,ha
hperal construction of the so-ca,,aa
general welfare" clause II viii !.
claimed that the building OF eood
ROADS Is as much part of the businass
CT the Government as the recl,m.,,o,
OF aria lands and the drainage os ~,
lands There is practically no ,imt, -
"h'ch the powers of the Government
cannot be extended, although tbe-o
should be some hating place in rho
paternal administration OF our ma
tional affairs.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-06-27

Cnrncgte's Addresp.
To settle argument, will Won nI..,,
give me the homo address or Andrew
II is not matter OF controversy. .i,ut
IN easily ascertained fact that has
p 0een many times printed In the Querv
Seolnmn. The address is 2 East Ninatv
frst Street New York ''''s.''
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-06-27
daily Queries and AnsDers
Hammer of ride.

IfHEhmer OF RIUc. n
When rifle Is not in use, should
s snG manner be let down or left at
!. Half-eocked is the safest in certain Ia
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-06-27
American Rivers.

American Rivers.
What are the American rivers morn
than 500 miles long? a IL
soa hese are American rivers more than
e Sov iniiss long: Mississippi. $3.50: Mis-
ANY, 6;voo; Grnnde dol Norte. 1900: Red. l..
9 909. Cohiorado Lace; Yellowstone. l..
S S50. NSe epka. ESQ: ohio. $50: BRACES,
~ 1ia; eo0: white. $50: Kansas, 600 Red
OF tne North. 700; Yazoo. $40.
Chartist Troubles jN
What were the Chartist troubles in
Hhsiand: how were they settled?
Th c. w. NJ.
lasted ten years It waea demani
chlefly by working peonia. Tor lie
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-06-27

During the war between Japan and
Russia, six years age, the young
daughters OF the Cznr were associated
In the organization Of a splendidly
equipped ambulance. train. which with
Its contents. and above all with Its
Injuries. provisions and comforts for
the sick and wounded at the front,
ranresentcd a. ;yallo ..of $500, QeQ.:- The
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1911-07-09

two characters representing respectively rube"
and his more "ruby" German father. They leave
the old farm and to New York to the sights The
father goes direction and begins getting his Great
White Way education, while the is busy taking lessons
in the school in another direction The son. dressed
up college boy style his father "Vhere
did you git dat hat Hiram? asks the latter q" bought
it in grocery store" excaims the in conclusive
reply what he believes is his fathers foolish question
"Ay boy, comes the paternal answer "you shout meier
do dat. Always git hat in a restaurant"
Worked into the situation, this piece of jokery
very good seller. In the play in point, figured that
this Joke drew at least cents out of each admission
fee OF dollars into the theater that is il of
the twenty biggest laughs in the piece and at the final
curtain would unconsciously be resolved into terms of
dime in the mind of the audience when that mind
started in to calculate just how much it had got for its
money It's decision of course, would be passed to
friends, and the latter would be drawn to the theaer
Hence the cash value of the bit of hunor in question
set down cents head.
Now take that Joke Try to tell it in offhand
way your friend the street at irrelevant time
1t is nnetynne chances to that it will fall perfectly
fiat. Why! The situation, or opportune moment, IS
lacking. Every joke has its time and place. The joke
in question is distinctly piece of theatrical "hunor
goods, because it goes well only when it is worked into
character and situation the stage and further be
cause, if it related outside the heater it will draw the
person to whom it is related to the playhouse He will
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1911-07-09

wish TO retain the force
OF their joke or humor-
ouSanecdote. The that
reminds me- is usually
employed to hinge the
story onto its original,
or alleged original, sit
uation. Any situation
will strengthen the Joke.
But you simply must
have some situation.
To illustrate: In one
of the plays | put on re-
Gently, in which | have
appeared myself, there
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1911-07-09

INTO ready made situations. I
have often lost out on really
funny lines and made money out
of veteran quips Of the days of
the War Of the Rebellion. The
best seller, for instance, in my
latest show is the mossgrown old
wife joke about "I'll go to your
funeral; but if | have to ride in
the same carriage with your
relatives it'll spoil the whole day
for me-" Why2 Because | lead
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1911-07-09

has to carry along sets of Jokes when he travels.
THE professor of psychology to whom have referred
stated that, result of his investigations, he had
arrived at the conclusion that mother in law Jokes
no longer any good He chose tor analysis in this line
the Joke that runs follows: man. meeting friend,
asks allow is your mother in law?7-"Why replies the
other, "she is dead Dear mel" says the first
sympathetcaly. what complaint?' -"No complain.
Evervbodys satisfied" comes back the answer
The professor Analysing this Joke, said that it was
good one, because it lacked the great and neces
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1911-07-09

Sary element OF sur
prise. "There is a large
measure of pleasure,
because mothers in law
are not popular and
anything affecting them
invariably arouses a
pleasant emotion"
wrote the professor,
"and there is a large
measure of absurdity,
because of the play on
the word complaint :;
but there is very little
Continued on page I9
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1911-07-09

The dealer in theatrical hui
NOR must take localities into
consideration in the same de-
gree that a travelling book agent
must. "The Life of General
Lee" will not find SO large a sale
in Buffalo as it will in Nashville;
SO the book agent has to carry
along "The Life of General
Grant" as well. In a similar
wav. the theatrical humor agent
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1911-07-09

up it in minutes conversation with the actress who
PLAYS the part of my nagging wife, because thus pre-
pare the audience to expect laugh, hold them
hooks all the time and when finally crack the old joke
they, being ready to laugh, laugh Justify at something
they have heard least dozen times before. AT the
end Of the ten minutes preparation the audience would
laugh just as heartily if | said @Pish, tush!'
JOKE is like good bit of repartee 1t robbed of its
force if is removed from the situation This is the
reason incidentally, for the birth of shat reminds me-,
popular and necessary, in the casepf soyellcrs who
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1911-07-09

Mrs. Malaprop Here was a fine character Joke,
and it was good seller Take the same joke and
put it in the mouth of we'll educated character
and note the loss of effect. To sell Joke in the
theater, to draw the most laughter out of it, the
humor merchant must display his fun goods with
all the care of lewery salesman. The back
ground, the light, every little thing becomes of
momentous Importance.
| read not long ago of professor OF psychology
at the University of California who had spent two
years studying the science of Jokes. This man
discovered just two Jokes that he argued, were
certain of laughter whenever they were sprung.
One of these was as follows: A Matchmaking gang
teegraphed to a man, "Send us five thousand
dollars, or will kdnap your wife. The hus-
band wired back, "Price too high; but your prop
osition interests me-"
To be sure, this is not bad sort of joke but,
regarded as theatrical property 1t would have to
be handled cautiously and carefully as any
other Joke, to make it good regular seller. If
took that Joke, for instance, should place it in
rehearsal in dozen different points in the play
until found the right spot for it. | should not
think any more of sticking it into the piece hap
hazard than / would of having character walk
suddenly down to the footlghts and crack it.
No Joke is always certain of laughter In my
trate this sad fact. A joke that will go in some
sections of the country will not go in Others
When take my plays on the road always con-
suit my "joke tables, as | call them, and manipu-
late the humor of the piece to suit the locality.
EFT me quote two specimen "ioke tables" The
II six big cities" of laughter as have figured
them out after years of experience, | rate as
follows: l. New York; 2, Albany; 3, Kansas
City; 4, Pittsburgh; 5, Chicago; 6, Philadelphia
These cities, in the order named, have discov-
cred to be quickest in appreciation of humor
They get the point of joke more speedily than
any other cities They are, as a result great
markets for hurnor
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1911-07-09

The second table which have labeled the "bad mar
ket" cities for they the slowes to get humor
tains the following list L. Detroit; 2, Cleveland; B.
Baltimore; 4, ST. Louis 5, Cincinnati 8, Boston.
These cities in the order named the hardest
theatrical humor salesman has to visit In other words
il takes twice long to sell Joke across the footghts
ia Detroit as it does in New York; twice as long IN
Cleveland as it does in Albany and down the COM
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1911-07-09

"HE first money | ever earned
came into my pocket when |
was ten years old. got it from
boy of my own age who was pupil "
with me at the time at the Allen Street W
Public School in New York | made X
it by telling the boy (his name was -
Willer, and he was the one "rich kid"
in the schooD joke. Willer used to
bother the life out of me to tell him
Jokes at which he would laugh until he got the
stomach ache. In due time, however, became
little tired of serving as Willer's court jester
and told him, in the youthful vernaCular, to go
chase himself. saw come on, Levi he urged.
"Te me just one more!' | refused. He begged.
l said. Nothing doing '-"Tell me good one,
he proposed to me, sand I'll give you five cents"
told him one, and he gave me the stipend.
And it was that nickel that first put into my
head the idea for the business career | after
ward followed, the career | am still following,
the converting of the American sense of humor
into American dollars.
That was thirty-four years ago. Last year
alone, out of the same business only somewhat
elaborated, | cleared something like fifty thou
sand dollars. And the strange part of it is that
considerable portion of my net profit last year
was due, in way, to an exploitation of the same
joke that | had told to Wiler SO many years ago.
This was the Joke, played in German dialect
key: "Fine day, isn't it?'-"Yes, pretty good
not?" Did you ever hear anything worse in your
life? Indeed, you never did, And yet consider
that last line to be the most successful have
used. Itinvariably makes most audiences scream
with laughter They cannot resist it. Uponit
have built my fortune. With that line, "Pretty
good-not?" got my start in life, made my first
big hit with Joe Weber, and carried one whole
musical show recently to large financial success.
The two other Jokes, or lines, upon which my
fortune has rested are as follows:
"What is a good friend pa pOOt fr1ent
iss man who knows your no goot and ISIS able
to forgit it..
2. 1T iss bad enough to meet trouble; but vat
fool vas to run after it,
MY object in citing these three jokes, or lines,
w in a PREDATORY way, is to indicate at the
very start of this article that my purpose here, in
this discussion of hlnor business trade,
is not to be irreevantly funny, but quite calm
and serious. Nothing is more serious than hui
NOR if, like myself, you 4humor salesman
l might go on telling you whole lot of jokes and
and stories that would make Won 1auph as Won pot
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1911-07-09
BY LEW FIELDS

realize its possibilities in a situation
and will want to hear it.
TAKE another instance. In a play
= of comparatively recent produc-
ton there was funny line relating to
a novel about which one of the crude
Western women characters had heard.
"Who wrote it?" asked someone.
9O-U-Idair reD1ied the MINING carnn
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1911-07-09

might go telling you whole lot of jokes and quips
and stories that would make you laugh you got them
from the printed page; but that would avail nothing.
For. all in probability, should not be able to sell you
those jokes that is, should be not able to make
you laugh at them in the theater And if joke does
not draw laughter in the playhouse, it is not salable
The best sellers among the jokes in the theater
not the ntrnsicaly funny ones but rather those that fit
Evening times-Republican. [volume] (Marshalltown, Iowa) 1890-1923, 1911-06-19
$4,000, 900 POSTAL GRAFT.
Hitchcock Charges Railroads Rol
Government,

Washington, June 19.-Uncle Sam
has been paying the railroads little
matter Of 100000 q year more than
the service for carrying the mails Is
worth.
This is Postmaster General Hitch
cocks latest announcement with re-
'spect to inside affairs pertaining to
postal service. Congress Is to be asked
to authorize a readjustment Of railway
mail pay so that this 100000 a year
may be saved to the government.
For more than Il year the postoffice
department has been conducting
quiet investigation, involving a great
amount Of work, which now has pro-
crossed far enough to form a basis for
the announcement made today. The
postmaster generals statement OF his
findings and intentions is partly IN line
with his campaign for reclasslhca-
ton Of the second-class mail matter,
which has aroused the intense opposi-
ton Of magazine publishers. He IS
out for reform in both directions.
Following closely the announcement
that the postal service after years of
continual deficit has reached a self
sustaining basis the information rela-
tive to the prospective saving in pay
interest. 1t brings nearer the dawn
of the day OF 1 cent letter postage.
President Taft proposes TO recommend
penny postage to congress in his an
nual message next winter and he Will
have an additional argument in sup
port of the idea in the curtaiment Of
over payments to the common car
riers It has been the argument that
cent letter postage can be intro
duced without danger Of a deficit just
as soon as the postage rate on second
class mail Is properly adjusted. and 1t
will be apparent at once how the de-
sired change may be fastened thru a
saving that. of itself would bring
surplus OF nine or ten million dollars
during the ensuing year instead of an
even break as between receipts and
expenditures applying to the opera
ton Of the poStoffice department.
Evening times-Republican. [volume] (Marshalltown, Iowa) 1890-1923, 1911-06-19
GrinneII and Vicinity,

Special to mes-Republican.
Grinnell, June 19-Mrs. Eli P. Judd.
Of Brooklyn, recently celebrated her
a2nd birthday anniversary at the home
of her daughter, Mrs. Charles Bossler,
children. grandchildren. great grand
children and other relatives being
present to participate in the festivities.
Her brother. Mr.. Henry Rearick. from
New York. who had Just passed his
ssth birthday. was present.
a telegram from Miss Myrtle Hays
near Houston, Tex, received by rel
atives here yesterday, told of the death
Of w. NJ Hays. her father. at that
place. She has been at his bedside for
some two weeks or more and his death
was daily expected. He was nearly
70 years OF age and has boen in feeble
health for the past dozen years or
more He was one of the earliest set
tiers in Grinnell, coming here in 1854
and residing in this county ever since.
No particulars came by wire but 1t IS
be brought hero for burial. He was
a member Of the Methodist church
and Of Gordon Granger Post of the
G. A. r., of this city.
Last year the supervisors Of Pow
eshek county had piece Of dirt road
made from Montezuma to Malcolm fair
ground that has been the pride of the
county as sample of good road max
ing and has attracted the attention of
prominent advocates Of good roads
from all parts of the state, including
the governor and other state officials.
The road branched off at the fair
grounds east to Brooklyn and west
towards Grinnell, leaving about a mile
from the fair ground into Malcolm and
another mile or so to Join the river
to-river" road running north Of NAL
com. This short stretch the people of
Malcolm are very anxious to see COM
pleted in as good shape as the rest
and a committee Of Malcolm prominent
business men, composed Of ]. A. Max
we'll, w. F. Vogel, r. l.. Sherman,
James Mckee and Mr.. Terraberry, has
been appointed to confer with the
board Of supervisors and offer to do
the grading inside the corporate linn
it's of the town If the county will do
the rest The prospect is that this
will be done.
The Senior Christian Endeavor So
ciety of the Congregational church OF
this city, at their business meeting re-
Gently, elected the following officers
for the ensuing year: President. Noel
Breed: vice president. Esther Bliss;
secretary. Jennie Rule. treasurer. Bruce
Evening times-Republican. [volume] (Marshalltown, Iowa) 1890-1923, 1911-06-19
WOULD BAR ALL NOSTRUMS.
Dr.. Wiley Asks For Drastic Legislation
Governinq Patent Medicines.

Washington, June 19.-Drastic regu-
lation of the sale Of patent medicines
will be urged upon present congress
with the recommendation of DR.. Harvey
w Wiley. chief Of the bureau of chem
istry of the department Of agriculture.
The legislation proposed aims at the
following results:
! Barring from the mails patent medi-
cines and periodicals which advertise
them.
Prohibition Of the transportation In
interstate commerce of patent medi-
cines for which extravagant claims of
efficacy are made on the labels of the
containers.
The move for the latter provision is
necessitated by the recent decision of
the supreme court that the present food
and drugs act prohibits Inisrepresenta-
ton of the ingredients Of a COM
pound, but not representation as to
the cures it will effect
There are scores Of patent mixtures
on the market the marvellous virtues
of which as set forth on the labels are
fraudulent upon their face.
The department OF agriculture has
prosecuted many OF the manufacturers
Of such nostrums and has obtained
Now, however. this line OF prosecution
is halted by the supreme courts de-
cision and the department. unless the
law Is strengthened. will be compelled
to confine It's endeavors TO the sup
preston of fraudulent representation
of ingredients.
OF the nine justices. three dissented
from the opinion of the inadequacy OF
the law ASSociat e Justice Hughes sub
mitted a strong argument to the effect
that congress intended 70 stamp ont
misrepresentation OF whatever nature
it might take on the labels OF drugs.
But there is not much likelihood Of
the ma jority OF the court reversing its
position and legislation therefore be-
comes imperative IL the deficiency in
the law is to be corrected. The move
will have strong support in congress
but will be bitterly fought by the patent
medicine combine.