davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-01-01
The joyous season.

In good hearts. innocent happiness
will ooze out at this season. our an
swerinE rays OF the Light of the World
TO those around us flash far and wide
in love and laughter. And there Is
certainly nothing like glowing.
splendid open fire for bringing out
checrfulness and mcrriment in people.
People get to know each other better
in one week around such a fire, day by
day. than in months and even years
OF our circle in this week arc like a
mental Christmas plum pudding. good
and rich. and here are some OF the
plums. Said our English artist. II am
glad to have fallen into such kind
hands and TO be with those who at
least speak my own tongue. And to
be sure of good Christmas dinner.
such as we have had. is something, let
me tell you. Some of my countrynen
abroad on the Continent would have
been glad to exchange with me. NY
tralia five years ago. lie rode ali day
Christmas Eve. and near nightfali
came upon a bungalow and an English
man, by the look of him, leaning over
wood pipe. They had some talk. They
were both Somerset men. They had
both been Ballot men. They had a
cousin in common. They We're both
feeling pretty forlorn over being away
from home for Christmas SO the up-
shot OF it was that my brother was
Christmas pudding that had been
sent out from home. OF course. he
gladly agreed to this, dismounted and
went In. They spent pleasant eve
ming together and sat up till O'Clock
talking Of things and people at home
Next day there was very good din
ner, very we'll served by the planters
Tamil servant. who had lived with him
for years In Ceylon But when the
time came to serve the pudding there
was long wait. Finally, the host
pushed back his chair. excused him
self, and. napkin in hand. made for
the Kitchen. Then there was n row
on! The guests and butler rushed in.
TOO. and beheld an angry host. The
beggar had tied uD my pudding In the
into the kettle to boil. So when saw
that, 7 kicked him we'll. of course, and
over he went. and pot and pudding and
year Come along back. he ex-
regrets and amusement"
Our artists nice little English wife
he. thought he. was doing the right
thing and got into trouble"
They tell good story of WILDER
popped uD on his lap when he was
in her shrill treble: mfr Wilberforce.
tell tel me- a,t tell III, me- please Why every
body heard her. and there was an en-
harrassing pause. And then dear old
Wilberforce said quietly: well. my
dear, don't know; unless 1t is that
! am often In hot water. hut always
come ont with clean hands"
Our diplomat said: 1T Is very ter
rible not to know the language of the
mother; my father is German i was
educated in Paris. ! can generally
make myself understood anywhere
with those tongues at my command
abroad. 10 al
puzzles me very much sometimes. Did
you ever hear of a. contretcmps often
told with us? fi's
IAN Englishman entered a restaurant
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-01-01

mind, don't say often-men some
times are foola."
English Lady to her husband sweet
Fred" go
Federal officer: 'He also said that
woman creates half the troubles she
boasts the power OF soothing"
Young Lawyer: II should say from
my professional experience that that
Is quite true"
ways 1t has been so. AS for me l like
10 hear the ladies talk They are SO
lelightfully fluent"
confiederate Veteran: II am fond of
logical They never can sustuin en-
argument. IS a man does
Baltimore Lady: What on earth
GIVE her enough pretty clothes and
shell convince Solomon and conquer
limon of Athens. And an ugly one
would rlnd no one TO listen to her"
about men versus women. l believe In
both: Men make dresses better than wo-
inen-look at Worth, They can even
Trim bonnets In Paris"
The Diplomat: what would You do
with man who cut out his wife's
dresses and made them all on the
sewing machine and knitted and
crocheted, and embroidered. and even
o.
man? know one"
Confederate Veteran: Put him in a
hobble skirt and then drown him
Federal oflcer: "Shoot him on the
spot. and never mark the grave"
English Lady: Dear. dear! Aren't
these rather extreme mea sures? The
Americans do not seem to even eX-
press themselves with moderation You
freezing when It Is cold. and diving
when there is really nothing the mat
ter with you at all. And every body is
crazy about everything. noticed 1t
n girl from Ohio i'm the next cabin,
who told me that million sparks ilew
from her hair when She combed il in
ne morning. And said: %! there
count ihem?' And do you know she
got quite huffy over i'll"
Miss Nix; MY governess used TO
always say to me: Ethel renemb Der
ward being un,ruthful; and TO be I'M
truthful is simply to he disgraced--in
England"
Travelling Man: I'VE like 1t with the
bark on in the West"
r, The Diplomat: II have heard of n
French boy who went to school in
England, and he told his parents when
ne came home that it was very chic
10 tell the truth al oxford"
Old Nirginian: II was nightly
a,mused the other day to hear of IA
little boy who broke his fathers ia
Vorite cane and tucked IL away out
or sight IN the dressing room, where
his father found II. lie took the
youngster on his knee and tried to
pump him. lie told him what fine.
noble thing truth always Is lie told
him about George Washington. And
men he said soiemnly: Son. do you
know who broke that cane?' And the
little fellow said at once: II think.
para, II must have been George Wash
lnEton. U-aughtcr.)
The English Artist: Charles Reade
says that whenever a woman gets into
a diiticmlty She flies to a lie, like a
Young Lawyer: Well. now, do Won
know, | can imagine a woman like this
English lady telling a lie (uproar)
and from the artist: There's a nasty
one for YOU, Ethel, dear"
%! Fred! Mamma and Miss Nix both
said that when they wanted to know
Ethel.
Young Lawyer: You INTERRUPTED ma
was going on TO say to save the life
OF her husband lShave had several
cases of the kind"
Confederate Veteran, "Rut why save
Mr.. Stoke Polfington. when good hus-
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-01-01

he looked at the pair of them"
Il can't stand chaps that don't tub"
said our Englishman.
"Englishmen are all companions OF
the Bath" said the lady from Balti-
more. Aren't they?"
%. of course, one must have ones
barth! One might as we'll be expected
10 do without tooth brush, know
a chap that enlisted In the Blues. and
then dhser,ed because only officers
mad tooth brushes, and he couldn't
possibly stop on. But we aren't all
same. assure you. What queer ideas
OF England you Americans have, Now,
colonel. give us another war story"
%, ] am tired of en-. But the war
story that amused me most was This"
said the Confederate veteran:
One of Pickett's division who left
4 leg at Gettysburg Was warmly hailed
ny en- expansive Young man in Wash
ington as 'comrade one day at the
What said Johnny Reb. Il dom,
see 1t. You don't call those skirmishes.
that comic opera that small boy
Spain spanked by giant. war. do
YOU? Go home, young man. Your
mother wants you. She wants to give
You some candy and put You In your
little trundle bed. War. indeedn"
We'll, he was about right" said the
Federal officer Cretred) in the corner:
those fellows made more fuss over
that tea party than we all did. on
both sides, iii the real thing. 1t
makes me sick to see 'em with medals
and ribbons and badges and dinners
every year-enough to 1T out the
whole Japanese army besides our
own. Was anybody killed in that
little shindy at all. ColoneI?"
The Veteran: six mules one old
gunner and a boy. is the official csti-
mate. believe; two tugboats sunk
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-01-01

nsy and talked Braegs army and the
campaign into Kentucky till midnight.
while Sallie and her flock OF chickens
Went off TO bed. Next morning break
tasted equally we'll, and was even more
In favor with the administration, for
he had asked my maine, and it rs Il
name that every Texan knows, T may
say In all modesty. for my people
helped in the making of Texas. and
when I got ready TO leave | was
urged To stay week. a month. and
rest. knew better than TO offer them
money. but tied UP couple of dol
lars in the baby's nightgown. and be-
fore starting said to him: Look here
want to know what made you so
rough on me last night. before I go.
was we'll mounted; was properly
dressed; 7 was civil, and couldn't
understand It at all
We'll. sir, I'll tell YOU the truth
took YOU for one OF them Towards
freedmen Yankees that's running all
over this country huntin' trouble. and
you had a close call-you did that,
was jest about to draw a bead on YOU
when You spoke of campin' out Them
rabbit back breeches was nightly gin
YOU"
This bit OF American vernacnlar all
most choked our young Enelishiifan
he, hasn't heard much American. and
finds it's fascinating after the first i've
minutes in which to take 1t in.
Fray tell us another" he urged
when the general laughter had sub
The travelling man from the West
meanwhile had burst in with: did
YOU ever hear-talk,ng of Grubbv
chaps-of the trial OF a German emf
grant
DIRTY
And your wife,
She is dirty-two!
cordial agreement between counsel.
and even the judge had to laugh when
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-01-01
Over the Nuts and Wine
By FRANCES coUR7EMAY BAYLOR

in Paris and rashiy attempted to order
meal in the French of Ollendorff,
with terrible accent.
"'Jai une femme he said to the
waiter.
"'J'espere quo madame Sc norte
Diem, replied Aiphonse politely.
lie suis fameuH.' said the hungry
man, making another effort to air his
accom- ishments and express his need.
lie suis, charnie de lentendre. mon
SSienr said Alphonse. utterly mysti-
Tie snis femme said monsieur des-
peratcly.
"'Aiors madsme shabine dune facon
Tres eNiraordlnaire,' replied Alphonse.
and the famished gentleman rushed
ought 10 have said J'ai faim,' and tina I
Miphonse had no key TO the enigma
sharp contrast TO this anecdote
was now given by our Confederate
veteran: III is pretty serious to be in
. strange part even Of Your own conn
| Try. Just after the war ended cotton
lIrm in New Orleans sent me out to
IcXas 70 get orders for them. At the
snd OF week. spent on horseback
a,onF the frontier, 7 came late one
evening upon q tumble down cabin
with tumbledown fence. set In a
forlorn yard of The usual frontier TYNE
ASH hooper and yellow dog, and
a ai,f dozen tow headed children ana
an; Knocked at the door. and big
marry siS-footer opened ii. and grunted
our some response to my salutation
asked II could get some corn for my
horse and stay there all night. No
iNou KANT: nor none of your SORT.
SAID the man. and was about to slam
me door In my face when I held It.
and asked him how far 1t was to the
next house. Seventeen miles. 7 reckon.
SAID the man g,umy.
u explained that 7 had been doing
some son nard riding and was tired out
take inc in by Offering TO pay him we'll
Tor the accommodation But he was
very stern You can get right out and
h tame inat there road he insisted. This
mere is a poor place. maybe. but IFS
NINE: and J amt got a bed or bite
OF VII ties for no such. GlonG" I was
nettied, so ! said: I'll not take the
roaa again Tonight; I'll go into camD
right here, as soon as I ind s or
water II isn't the first time by four
years but 1t is the first time ever
f hnsw "a, Texan ,,Sa to turn ANYBODY away
fhat bullet sped home Been I'm
the army. You say? What army? he
a 1;aner., SIN III. ey.eing NE suspiciousiy
cried isf out nr 3TEa s, aa Id T. What he
the Eighth Toxas, Get right '" down N
light; get right off that horse. Come
IN: iiere. sallte. where arc you. sallie +?
Saiiie appeared a limp creature. Who
pushed back limp sun bonnet and
Sno9k hands warmly. saying she was
was: 80 eo' 'ai'lS
,r'sit down. Sit down in that roc, :
ing chair said my host eagerly, Il
perfectly transformed person. ri TAX
Your horse. SalIie. cook evervthIn, =
good you've got as quick rs YOU can
| ~ be back In a minute Hes goin'
20 stay all night. Put him in mothers
PED. and shake up the feathers good
We'll, we had fried chicken and bea
biscuit. and good coffee. and hominv.
and bacon. and preserves. and milk,
and arplc pie for that supper. and
ever tasted better! And then we liz
our pipes and got I'D in the big chin
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-01-01

and one oyster boat dismantlcd of its
longs"
The Diplomat: Except in the Jap
anese War; nothing more terrible in
the way OF war is known in history
age-ce'tait la guerre"'
Federal officer. Confederate veteran
| simultaneously; Yes. we certainly
did-Ahem." Both stop. embarrassed.
| Baltimore Lady: 20. don't talk of
body: Wasn't our plum pudding good?
MY little boy had three helps and cried
| for u fourth"
d English Lady; But surely you
such q rich dish! OF course. il is a
! scientific fact that little boys legs are
hollow; were made so TO hold goodies
at odd hours. But. still, we shouldn't
| like that. They'd simply never learn
self-control. In England nurse GEN
orally gives the larger children two;
il n, ,ne fotS only have taste. hate
EnSiish Artist: You remind me Of
ponaid McWhirters wife, Ethel"
Baltimore Lady: Tell us about
English Artist "Donald's wife had
spent two days looking down strea m
ior ner body, while Donald stayed at
, home comfortably by the fire and
smoked for the first time since his
marriage the pipe of peace: for lean
nad been terrible scold. When told
Donald took his pipe out OF his mouth
and said sententiously: 'Hoot, NOM
You've no been lookin' in the right
place She eXpectit you to speer there.
c LOOK II, upstream mon. Jean was aye
Hostess: %! we women. now that
suffraSettes have stirred M things SO
40 eatch II on ali sides. We are ali
niwaSs wrong You've heard OF the
English vicar who said to his curatc.
When in doubt what to preach about.
pitch into the Pope! Why even NV
husband has caught the fever. He told
me mis- morning that talked too
much Aud am reallI very silent
person Mamma always said 1t Of me.
| Ethel rarely says anything"
fhat Is another matter" said our
oractuqr Young lawyer THAT was
rude, should say"
English Artist: my wife stops
thrce times every year-on Christmas,
nj Easter, and 1flchaelmas-for re-
pairs. Bon't you. Ethel?"
| hear of the man whose wife was get
ting n divorce from him on the ground
mat he hadn't spoken TO her for seven
Years? Well. when the Judge asked
such conduct. what explanation to
make. what do YOU think he said? The
villain. the wretch. the monster. said
! quietly; fudge. didn't like to in :
torrupt her General laughD
English Lady: well. YOU men are
very sharp about us, but {, is my be-
iiei mat you would all die Of the blues
but for our cheerful chatter"
Old Virginan gallantly: "You,
madame, arc perfectly right Man
without woman Is thing OF naught.
| I'VE adored the pctticoat for nifty
| years. There Is nothing better on
earth than good woman"
there are canvashack ducks and mint
juieps and turtle SOUP. and blue
| Diplomat: "Thcy talk like Bismarck:
! In nine languages. SILENT"
Artist: and pictures and books.
and music and scenery We are not
absolutely depcndcnt on our women's
tongues tongues. md there is tobacco,
Federal of1lcer Yes. as Thackeray
! saws a pipe opens the lips OF tho
philosopher and shuts the mouth Of a
Baltimore Lady; "Thcn II is indeed
valuable for men sometimaa Now.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-01-01

oands are as plenty as blackberries
IN August in this country? She can
nave any of us this minute at the
dropping of a handkerchief Hirgs.
mere. is on the bargain counter, mark
ed very low, from terrible surplus, due
10 the weather; Baron Dupont de
Lynes is the latest from Paris. the
coionel is warranted to be driven bv
a. lady. and that is all the women
want nowadays: my virginian friend
on the right is the natural prev Of
every woman, and with me chromos or
mistake" ~ oe q
Ia The The. Hostess los And think of her hus-
oands chances In this country!''
old virginian: Yes, virginia ia
matched with pretty girls and Marvs
E Enc i Is , worse: was told of young
lor him to marry nice girl on fhe
next estate. and when he determinetIS
10 30 come ONE TO this country. was given r
near Baltimore He promised. tpava,sS
an over this country and Mexico. and
On Ms return met at the house of an
beanty ' msnrie n G ber aa,tmore
didn't: :. Kept my word. Caught on the
o1 Genfe ., ate veteran: Yes. in the
These things Will happen When they
occur mere we just say: Another good
woman gone to the Kitchen and ac-
eept gracefully the Inevitable. think
myself that that girl wanted to make
| sure or cook. and accepted the first
Enslishman she met, Unless she has
american woman has to do that,
Federal officer: "TrolIopc said thar
the hrSt thing served IN al eyervft
trnes ca th dinner was the roast mis-
rible We are all being driven out
OF our charming homes for lack OF
Travelling man: my wife can get
as good meal of victuals as ever von
put In your mouth In an hour anv
gay II We haven't got any servants.
learn our girls to do their part In life
and he OF some use In the world +
English artist: Well my wife Is
an awful duffer about cooking: about
dered a leg of beef at market and az
nected four hams from every hos.
, Sut she.s caheages about other things.
e ,e, s,, mem, Ethel. ahont It. Strange
Confederate Veteran: mot like ftha4
husband who thought every man ought
TO- 70 DC "a allowed to exchange ono forty.
English lady; 20" Can English 20. 4.
and Englishwomen h,ve $1,000 vss.vs Z
Of saving Iol, Ike Ea!zae's French
that husband wishes told is this. TIC
duches had offered a prize Of fl6j
for the best kitchen garden on thN
estate. When the gentle-lieartei
animation. he felt sorely puzzled what
to say that was kind about a tinys
patch In one corner of Il certain
Widows garden Nice cabhag es those
Mrs llobbs-such a nice green. and
IT'S heading up tticy'll be, after a bill,
too he contrived to say. s,
Yes, sir replied the widow. with;
an air OF gratifid pride, as she settled
her cap and smoothed down her apron. 4
The Lord has, been on my side In the
matter of cabbages this year.,
Mr. Stoke-P onnEton; Now. yous se.
why I call my wife 'cabba ges,' When
she has been a particularly nice old
girl. say! How goes the enemy? ByS
George! 1t Is half-past IL, and We
Good might! Gocd-night.''
The new era., 1911-11-09
Wall OF MODERN BENEDICT
Adaptation That Aims to Set Forth
the Trials and Tribulatons
That Beset Life.
1. My wife is my boss, shall not

1. My wife is my boss, shall not
deny.
2. She maketh me lie down behind
the bed when the swell company
comes. and she leadeth me behind her
up Main street.
8. She restoreth my pocketbook
after she has spent all its contents on
hobble skirts and theater tickets, and
she leadeth me up the main aisle of
church for her new hats sake.
4. Yea. though l walk more than
half the night through dark rooms
with crying baby, will get no rest,
for she is behind me; her broomstick
and her hatpin they do everything
else but comfort mo.
s. She prepareth a cold snack for
me, then maketh a bee-line for an aid
society supper. She anointeth my
head with the rolling pin occasional
ly My arms runneth over with bum
dies before she is half done her shop
ping.
6. Surely her dressmaker's and
millinery bills shall follow me all the
days of my life and will dwell in the
house of my wife forever.-Exchange.
The new era., 1911-11-09
eRy L. c. Correctly

In forming the heads of orchard
trees. they should Le much closer to
the ground than those Of ornamental
trees. Commercial orchards OF ap-
pies and pears are now headed much
lower than formerly, three feet being
! very common height for starting the
head. while the heads OF peach and
plum trees are started even as low as
i8 or 20 inches from the ground.
The reason is that in certain To-
calities where windstorms are fre-
luent, low-headed tree is less likely
10 be broken, and will lose smaller
proportion of fruit, and does not suffer
70 much from sun-scald, as the low
head serves to certain extent as a
shade for the body.
During the early years Of both orna-
mental and fruit trees. they should
be pruned vigorously, because they
make much longer, natural growth
during the first ten years, than later.
With pears and apples. the main
body branches left at planting time
should not be more than eight inches
long. At the close OF the first season.
when pruning time arrives. the growth
Of that year should again be short
The new era., 1911-11-09

ened to at least one foot, and each
of the main body branches should
carry not to exceed three subdivisions
about eight inches long.
The same operation should be re-
peated the third year. but the num-
ber of branches carried by each sub
division should be reduced to two.
The arrangement of these branches
should be based upon the same prin-
ciple as the arrangement of the main
body of the trees.
One additional precaution is neces-
sary with trees which have an up
right or pyramidal tendency; the ter
minal bud which is intended to form
the leading branch from any primary
branch, should be left on the outside
A3ther than toward the center of the
Fee. BY observing this precaution.
the plant will have more tendency
TO spread.
On the other hand, If tree has a
tendency to spread and it is desirable
for any reason to prune 1t into the
form of pyramid, leave the terminal
bud on the opposite or inside of the
branch.
With common peach trees. which
are shorter-lived than apple or pear
The new era., 1911-11-09
POTATO SPRAY
Is PROFITABLE
Results for Five Years Show Gain
Of Good1y Proportions IN
Yield and for Labor
Applied.

For i've consecutive years Of test
Ing potato spraying has proven each
year useful and profitable practice
with me, says writer in the Balti-
more American.
The test of three seasons ago was
the least favorable OF any OF the five
for the development of the principal
potato disease. late blight and rot, yet
even in that year the test showed good
returns for the money expended and
the labor applied.
"a The results tor five years on sprayed
and unsprayed fields show an average
gain OF 80 bushels per acre on the
Sprayed field. which this season Is
The new era., 1911-11-09
Synonyms.

The French Canadian always has
trouble with the aspirate 9TH" At a
debating club In the Province Of Que
bee members were required to draw
slip from hat and debate upon
the subject they received. A young
countryman arose.
Il have drew the word bat must
told you dere Ia two, tree different
kind of bat. Dere is de bat wot you
play de baseball wit, de bat wot fly in
de air at night and also de bat where
you take de swim. Success Maga-
zine.
The new era., 1911-11-09

liable to split down with heavy loads
of fruit. than the apple and pear.
The general rule in the after-prun-
ing of the peach tree is to shorten
the yearly growth about one-half. or
course this is not always necessary,
particularly during seasons of heavy
crop and sparse rainfall. when the
natural growth of the plant is very
short.
Whenever the normal growth is
under eight inches little additional
pruning is necessary, but whenever it
exceeds that amount, heading in will
be advantageous. This serves the
double purpose of preserving a COM
pact, symmetrical tree, and at the
same time reducing the annual crop
OF fruit.
Thus, the fruit which is allowed
to remain on the tree receives larger
The new era., 1911-11-09

worth $72 in the retail market at
home. The cost of spraying on an
average was s2.S4 each year.
Any farmer can test these figures by
planting one acre of ground for two or
three years, 30 as to allow for the sea
sons that late blight and rot are less
prevalent.
The whole acre should receive the
same attention as to work and fertili.
zation. except one-half must be
sprayed anywhere from two to five
times. The unspra,ed must also be
kept free from bugs to warrant fair
test.
The new era., 1911-11-09

teen weeks prior to taking Doan's S
Kidney Pills, l was confined to bed
practically helpless. They made me
feel like new woman and soon l was
doing my work the same as ever"
when Your Back Is Lame, Re-
member the Name-DOAN'S." SOC a
box at all stores. Foster-Milburn Co..
Buffalo, N. Y.
The new era., 1911-11-09

ties. follow the ad-
vice of Mrs. II. S.
Woods, 619 11th
ST, Aurora, Nebr.
Says Mrs. Woods:
Il was in a criti-
cal condition. My
feet and ankles
were SO swollen
with dropsy. l
could not wear
my shoes. Four