davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Holbrook news., 1911-01-27
Proof of the Puddina.

That the proof of the pudding is in the eating thereof" was recently demonstrated to Otto B. Schalk, food and drug inspector in this city
 MT Schalk went into restaurant, looked over the menu and decided to begin his meal with a bowl of chick en soup. When the soup was set be fore him the inspector noticed a feather standing boldly above the rim of the bowl.
 He knew the waiter must have been aware of its presence there and called upon that worthy to explain
 well, I'll tell you" said the waiter, confidentialIy, bending low and talk ing into the inspectors ear. The boss has read as how great wave of inspection has struck the country and he told us to fix things up for that feller Schalk, him bein' the inspector here. sir"
The Holbrook news., 1911-01-27
Juror Catches Judae AsIeep.

Men who are summoned for jury duty are ingenious in their excuses, and 1t often happens that the selec- tions of jury is the most diverting part of the case. One who was called in the county court here complained that he was deaf.
 You say that you are deaf?" said the judge.
 "Eh, what is it you say?" said the man.
 q said. are you deaf?" observed the judge in a louder tone.
 You'll have to speak louder" was the reply, "or cant hear you"
 q guess we'll excuse you" said the judge; you can go."
 The deaf man had no trouble hear ing the courts last remark and sped out of the courtroom
 T think that's one on the judge" observed one of the attorneys.
The Holbrook news., 1911-01-27
Literature for Criminals.

Scientific burglary is perhaps praC ticaI to a greater extent in America than in England. They have even a literature on the subject which the police find difficult to suppress. And some time ago a huge volume was openly published which elucidated all the latest methods of crime, from rob ping a till to blowing up bank safe.
 Most of the copies were seized, and those that remain are nearly as valu- able as first folio Shakespeares. On this side of the Atlantic. however, scientific instruction in the criminal are has hitherto been confined to magazine articles. although the pres ent writer knows at least three books that the up-to-date criminals would find exceedingly useful.
 One by a celebrated chemist incl dentally divulges secrets that would make the fortune of a forger. An other by a well-known lawyer de- scribes an infallible means of prov ing an alibi; while the third shows the man who is wanted" how to leave the country by ways never watched by the police.-London Chronicle.
The Holbrook news., 1911-01-27
SMALL BOY WAS OBSERVING
Youngster Follows Instructions of Am bilious Father and Makes Some
 Startling Discoveries.

Tn his daily half-hour confidential talk with his boy an ambitious father tried to give some good advice.
 Be observing, my son." said the fa- ther on one occasion. Cultivate the habit of seeing, and you will be a sue cessful man. Study things and remem- ber them. Don't go through the world blindly. Learn to use your eyes. Boys who are observant know great deal more than those who are not"
 Willie listened in silence.
 Several days later. when the entire family, consisting of his mother, aunt and uncle, were present. his father said:
 Well. Willie, have you kept using your eyes as I advised you to do?"
 Willie nodded, and after a moments hesitation said:
 i've seen a few things about the house. Sister lanes got bottle of hair dye under her bed, Aunt Jennie's got an extra set of teeth in her dress, CT. mas got some curls in her hat, and pas got pack of cards and bot tie of whisky behind the books in tha Rookcase."
The Holbrook news., 1911-01-27
Making a Vote Count.

Louis M. Sanders, Republican can didate for alderman of the Second ward, Orange, N. J.. is responsible for the following yarn:
 It was election day in a small Mich igan city, when a prominent politi- clan happened to meet an old darky servant of his.
 Well, Sambo." asked MT. Smith. "how did you vote today?"
 q ain't voted yit. boss" said Sam. bo.
 ''Why is that?" said MT Smith.
 'Well, boss, it's dis away. De Pro hibitionists dey give me $10 to vote their ticket and the Republicans dey give me $5 to vote their ticket Ans goin' to wait to see how corrupt all de parties is fore vote. en then Ans goin' to vote for the leastest"
The Holbrook news., 1911-01-27
ROUGH ON THE POOR TRAMP
Thirsty Traveller UnknowineIy Pumps Water Into Cistern of ingenious
 Lazy Individual.

The tramp had walked a good three miles and was particularly thirsty. A sudden turn in the road brought him to the foot of steep hill. at the top of which stood large house. The tramp paused a moment before at tempting the herculean feat of storm ing the hill He felt hungry and thirsty. He glanced to the left. These words caught his eye: ''Tarry. trav- eler, and refresh myself" The tramp was sorry the sign was attached to a pump-handle. However. water was better than nothing, so he commenced to pump. The spout remained dry. He pumped with more vigor. Still no water. After ten minutes of hard work he said harsh things about the pump. and continued his journey. At the top of the hill he mentioned his grievance to native. The latter point ed to the fine house across the road.
 The owner of that house." he said. ''has some big water-cisterns which have to be filled from a stream in the valley. He is too lazy to fill 'em hisn- self, though; so he rigged up that pump and connected it with his cis- terms, and now"
 But the tramp was already sprinting across the road to argue with the man who owned the pump.
The Holbrook news., 1911-01-27
THE LEGEND OF THE LARK
Very Pretty Tale Found in Folk Lore Of the Aborigines of
 Japan.

The Ainu (the aborigines of Japan)
 have many legends about birds, one of which is very pretty. It is thus given by recent writer:
 ''The skylark used to live in heaven One day the God in heaven sent him down to the earth with a message for the gods who reside here, telling him to return the same day. But the lit tie bird thought the earth such nice place that he stayed to play. He was here so long that it began to grow dark, and he therefore determined to spend the night on the ground. The next day he arose in the air to return to heaven, but God met him when he was about six-score feet up, and said: Why did you not return as told you? As, therefore, you have disobeyed my words you shall not return to heaven, but live upon the earth. Although you may attempt to fly as high up as heaven, yet you shall never be able to get any higher than one of two-score of feet. The little bird was exceed ingly concerned at this, and arguing with God, said: oh, great God, as the world you made is so beautiful I could not help taking a look at it, and so got late. Although you chide me for this yet I will fly back to heaven In this way he answered God. But God did not consent Therefore the little bird grew more and more dis tressed and daily went as high as he could, pleading all the time; yet God would never consent to his entrance Into heaven again. He therefore re turned to the earth to play. After time he ascended and did the same thing, yet God did not consent The same thing continues to happen now every summer. but God never will all low him to return"
 This, as I have said. is very pretty and even spiritual. but it seems to have been a happy accident, for it is In striking contrast to the other le- gends. which are more or less stupid and pointless.-Forest and Stream.
The Holbrook news., 1911-01-27

grave response. She comes of a race of fighters, and this is her one weak ness"
 Well, I'll go on the farm"
 Certainly" was the quick answer; "when?"
 "Oh"-the boy had not been pre- pared for such ready acquiescence- Ion Monday. There's the school re- ception, and I don't want to miss it'
 At the reception everybody mourned over Don but Magic Thorne She didn't like him very well, and she was inclined to think that he was having too much betting. She liked to see men square their shoulders and take their medicine. She said something of the kind to Jean Campbell, and at the end of the evening. Jean having Don in a corner to himself, repeated the criticism. She thinks you are spoiled"
 Don drowned "If fate gives me a few more kicks it will be the end of me"
 T think you are bearing up wc1- derfully-it's perfect tragedy fo. boy to leave team like ours"
 Tt is,'' Don agreed.
 At supper he sat next to Magic Thorn She did not seem much i'm pressed by his proximity. and ate her chicken salad placidly.
 He resolved to wake her up. q heard you said I was spoiled"
 Mazies face famed. then she laughed.
 Well. did I'm not used to having such a fuss made over people"
 Perhaps you don't understand how much I am giving up?"
 "A gamer"
 "A game in which I was leader. game in which I had put my whole heart and soul"
 And you are going to spoil your future because you can't play" Her clear criticism cut across his self esteem. You are going to pick up your doll rags and run"
 His big eyes blazed down at her, but she did not finch, And run-' she repeated.
 He pushed back his chair with a savage motion. You don't under stand" he said, and left her
 But the next morning a note came to her. an abrupt not. but a strong one.
 'sYou told me the truth I am not going to take my doll rags and run away Somehow I believe you can help me out Will you?
 DON FULTON"
The Holbrook news., 1911-01-27
Marked End of whiskers

Woodrow Wilson, the governcr-elecl of New Jersey, has a clean-shaven face. But it was not always thus. Once. when Dr. Wilson was a young lawyer, pleading a cause in a North Carolina court. he perceived that his most attentive listener was the sher. if of the county, who sat with his feet on the stove and with his eyes on the attorney. The young advocate was greatly encouraged by the inter. est manifested by so distinguished an officer, and was encouraged to fn- crease his efforts still further to en. chain the attention of that auditor. When he had finished his address with a rounded period of glowing eloquence. he stepped toward the sheriff to re- ceive his encomiums. It was a dread. full shock to him when that official drawled out: Say, Wilson, do you know that one of your side whiskers is shorter than the other?" The flu
 ture president of Princeton was sc disgusted that he shaved of his beard
The Holbrook news., 1911-01-27
The Missouri River in 1854.

Inasmuch as 1t has an important
 bearing upon the cheapness of emi- grafton, the fact may be mentioned here that we were agreeable disap- pointed at the amount of business, and business facilities, upon the Mis- souri, say c. B. Boynton and T. B. Mason, in their reports of journey through Kansas in 1854. The number of steamboats on the river is greater. and they are larger and better provid- ed, in every respect, than we had sup posed would be found at this season of the year, while the amount of freight and number of passengers also exceeded our expectations. It shows large population and business upon the upper Missouri, which fact is well illustrated by another Weston, a place of some four thousand inhabi- tants, Is, by the river, 506 miles from St. Louis: and Platte county, of which this is the principal commercial town. has been settled only Is years, and now contains 10000.
The Holbrook news., 1911-01-27
MethodicaI Fishing.

Jim McDermit. the lawyer. has s- great fund of "darky" dialect stories. The one he most delights to tell fol lows:
 "A travelling salesman in south ern town came to a small pond. An old negro was lolling contentedly in the sun with fishing rod in hand. The salesman paused and watched the fish ing. After watching for half an hour without seeing the least sign of bite he asked how the fish were biting. The fisher looked surprised.
 Why, boss he exclaimed. 'dere ain't no fish in dis yere pond Dere never was a fish in it.
 "Well, what do you fish for?' the salesman wanted to know.
 Sos my old woman can see dat ain't got no time to chop wood fer de fire,' the negro answered"
The Holbrook news., 1911-01-27
AT THE TOP OF THE HEAP
Champion Hot Spender and cutup Found at Pittsburg Amuse-
 ment Park.

Talk about your hot spenders ana regular daredevil cutups," said a Pittsburg motorman. but I saw the champion Coal Oil Johnny of the lot at an amusement park the other day We were standing outside the gate, waiting for the car to fill up, when 8 bunch of bold young blades came romping out of the park and made for the car. They were from the coun- try, and had been having a high old time with pink drinks and strawberry jiggers. and you couldn't stop 'em with a breakwall. One of them suddenly broke away from the bunch and made a dash for the front end of the car, but I blocked his way and told him be couldn't get on at this end.
 70, got the price he shouted, 'an' don't you think I haven't And he hauled out handful of small change. I insisted on his going to the back end and he put up an awful argument and got all fussed up. Finally he strode back to the rear platform, paid his nickel, and, striding straight through the car with a glare of defiance at me, he stepped off and marched around to the rear again. Skipping down anoth- CT nickel. he repeated the perform ance. and blamed if he didn't make the circuit six times before we got started. each time with his chin little higher as he passed me. His friends cheered him to the echo. and I suppose they'll be telling out in Bingville for years to come how he socked it to the Pitts burg Railways company. Pittsburg Gazette-Times.
The Holbrook news., 1911-01-27
PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS
PEOPLE IN STORIES ALWAYS HOT
 ON THE TRAIL.
One of the Things That Mark Book Life Of From Real Life-Happi- ness Rarely Bothered
 About Nowadays.

Do you know why the word "happt ness" has such a doleful sound? It suggests Ibsen and sermons and the like. The people in the stories, the folks who have those terrible struggles with evil, are always hot on the trail of happiness.
 It all sounds so odd It is one of those things that mark book life of from real life Who worries about happiness in real life? Nobody The thing is just one of those make-be- lieves that the publishers get us inter- ested in in order to sell their books.
 No? Well, no, we will not make it quite as broad as that Your argument is good there, of course, and I cannot withstand you on that ground But you must admit in your turn that hap piness is a thing rarely bothered about nowadays. Do you personally know anyone who deliberately and purposely seeks happiness? I do not mean per sons that you have heard of, second hand, but cases that have come under your own observation
 The queer part of the pursuit of happiness is that there were times in the past when it was undertaken by everyone. The men of the renaissance seem to have gone on that bent Any thing from building to the execution of prisoner was carried out in the spirit of drawing the greatest possible enjoyment out of it How would you appreciate doing things in the same way? I find it almost impossible to imagine how one would go about it. We would search high and low for the most perfect of morris chairs for the office, I suppose, and order a five course luncheon sent in by caterers every day at noon. Perhaps we would retire from labor at desk around four o'clock, to be bathed and scented. and so on. But the thing seems bizarre; cannot make it seem real.
 We do have good luncheons, nice shower baths, brisk games of squash. dinners at the clubs, rubbers of bridge after them, admit, or some of us do. But the trouble is, we do none of those things for the enjoyment The exercise is for the sake of health, not pleasure. The other things are all designed to keep us fit and brisk, to do us good, not to give enjoyment Or. at any rate, we don't admit it.-N. Y. Evening Sun.
The Holbrook news., 1911-01-27
Early Use of Machinery.

From an early treatise by Moxon,
 published in 1880 in England, it is
 certain that at that time the lathe was developed to point where it was possible to turn out high-class orna- mental woodwork, including oval shapes but anything more than this was beyond it's power until the slide rest was invented Devices for clamp ing the cutting tools in fixed posi- tion were comparatively early, but the first appearance of the slide rest dates from 1772 Complete drawings and details of an excellent slide rest were given in that year in French encyclopedia. As early as '1741 Hind ley, a York ciockmaker, produced 8 screw-cutting lathe with change gears. This of course was very small ma chine, and in fact the clockmakers of that day seemed to have monopoly of mechanical ingenuity. Attempts to produce machinery to replace the work of human hands were made early; thus. for example, in 1732 Wyatt endeavored to make machine for cutting files, but was not success ful.
The Holbrook news., 1911-01-27
FATE AND FOOTBALL By Temple Bailey

(Ceryright. 1910. by Associated Literary Press.
 The whole school was in an uproar over Don Fulton's resignation from the football team.
 why. we cant get along without him." the boys cried.
 You talk as if he were dead" said Mazie Thorne. who was a new girl
 He might as well be-" Jean Camp bell told her. q cant understand it. He going out to his uncle's place in the country and be a farmer"
 Mazie's head went up. You girls seem to forget" she flashed. that my home is on a farm
 "Oh, it isn't that" Jean apologized- But Don was at the head of his team, and fo leave now"
 ''1 see," Magic agreed
 That night the new girl observed the Ooy who had caused the excite ment He was tall and broad-shoul- derea, and there was something fine in the shape of his head. She de cideo, however that his face was spoiled somewhat by the expression of o0stinacy about the lips.
 Tied have his own way or die"
 Don F'ulton's father said almost the dame thing to his son that night ''Yo'f are determined to do as you pleaSe?" he asked, quietly.
 "Ses." was the dogged response, If can't be on the team. father. I'll leave school, and go on the farm"
 "And you think my pride in having my son follow in my professional footsteps will make me give in? Don't you know, Don, that I would let you have your way if it were not for your motiier? She is not strong. and her anxiety the last time you were on the field nearly killed her. I can't have it happen again"
 Don wavered. "Of course. don't want mother to suffer. But mothers are always afraid of things. Boys would be perfect mollycoddles if they lid as their mothers said"
 q don't think your mothers son :ould ever be mollycoddle," was the
The Holbrook news., 1911-01-27
Subjects for Bid Stick.

My great-grandfather was clever at blowing rings of smoke" began the first Ananias, as he helped himself to the crackers in the corner grocery. "Horseshoes were scarce in those days, so when he wanted to play a game of quoits he would blow rings of smoke and cover the peg every time"
 "very clever, indeed" said the sec ond Ananias, with a smile, but my great-grandfather was also an artist at blowing smoke rings. One day a cyclone came along and blew out his keyhole in the front door, but great grandfather just lit his pipe, blew 3 smoke ring and made new one"
The Holbrook news., 1911-01-27
An AirbOat.

The. aeroplane is an airboat rather than a flying machine, says St. Mich olas. The only action of the bird that it initiates is the birds soaring, in nearly the same sense in which boat floats or duck swims. With the duck. however, there is one difference. It shares the balloon principle. be- cause it's body will not sink when it stands still. whereas the aeroplane will fall unless it is constantly urged forward. The duck is lighter than it's bulk of water, as the balloon is light CT than it's own bulk of air. To call an aeroplane a flying machine is therefore exactly the same as to call a boat a swimming machine (keeping in mind the swimming of the duck and neglecting that of fishes and of human beings
The Holbrook news., 1911-01-27
AIasI

q see the doctor has been calling pretty frequently at the Dempsters' during the past week or two. Whats the matter?"
 Their little boy is very sick. He got in the pantry before the rest of the family were up the other morning and ate a whole gooseberry pie"
 -Oh. A victim of early piety."
The Holbrook news., 1911-01-27
Wherein They Differ.

Miss Whats the difference between advertising jingles and real poetry?
 Scribbles-Oh. people read adver Using jingles.
The Holbrook news., 1911-01-27
Made It Attractive.

You say he was always where the bullets were thickest?" s. Yep; right in the thick of it."
 'sThen he is hero"
 'No, I don't think SO; you see all the moving picture machines were pointed at that spot"
The Holbrook news., 1911-01-27
So It Is.

Tt is better to have the good will than the i'll will of a man"
 Yes, but it is better to have the i'll will of some men than to have to laugh at their funny stories"
The Holbrook news., 1911-01-27
Mean.

why do you hate Linn so?" He has been knocking me to the girl I go with"
 What did he tell herf What my salary is.
The Holbrook news., 1911-01-27
Political Privilege In Norway.

'Tn Norway people who are not vac cinated cannot vote at an election"
 "How about people who have had their teeth filled? Are they permit ted to exercise the rights of franchise fin Eoyway9"
The Holbrook news., 1911-01-27
HxnnotIzed Perhaps.

'why are you going to marry the widow?"
 ''Why, I-er-hum-I guess you will have to ask her
The Holbrook news., 1911-01-27
Never LackIno.

Talking about complaint of ma terial for work, know one man who never complains of material being scarce; he has 1t to burn" What is he?'
 "A firebug."
The Holbrook news., 1911-01-27
Askinq Too Much.

"He can manage his automobile. a right"
 But, can he manage his wife?'' T didn't say he was a superman-"
The Holbrook news., 1911-01-27
bookcase.

The Thief-They say policeman is never around when he's wanted.
 The Robber-Don't you believe it. had hardly gotten the shutter open when copper came up and nabbed me.
The Cairo bulletin., 1911-07-28
''RA|SEDBNl" MAN
HELD In CITY JAIL--MAY Br
TURNED OVER TO U. S.
AUTHORITIES.
Similar Bill Taken by Ullin My
chant Recently ard Rrourht
to Cairo--Merchants Are
Warned.

Georee Pinnell the man who q.
temutnd to pass 81 bill raised
| = $40 Wednesday night at Arev'
saloon, is being held pending tn
gathering Of information concernir'
the matter. There is good reward
given for arrest and conviction IL
cases o this kind
About three weeks ago a similS
hill was taken in by an Ullin me-
chant which was brouaht to Cair
later and presented in payment o,
FOODS to J Cohen. the clothier, whl
7en it to the Alexander County M
tional hank to he charred when if
ehare cter was discovered The wo~'
in the bill was also skil'fullv dor
|'rd the bill would be taken by ~
most any one unfamiliar with tn
genuine $40 bills.
After Chief Egan gets throuct
with the prisoner, it is quite likel
the government authorities vii
take hand. Chief Egan is putin
Pinnell through a course of aues
tioning that may bring the desired
result. The chief says the polio,
have been on the watch of this ma-
lately. and have been giving bust
ness people tips to watch for the s2c
bills and report to headquarters.