davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-05-24
A Manly Minister.

There'l be less sleeping done In fu.
ture in the First Christian church of
Los Angeles, because the rector just
won't stand for it., as is evidenced by
what he did some nights ago. 1t seems
that the worthy man went into the pull
pit to discourse, when he was annoyed
by two men who were sound asleep
in one of the front pews. He called
attention to the fact, and one of the
sleepers was aroused, and did not
transgress again, but his partner did
not wake to the rebuke, and quietly
slept on. The parson became indig.
nant, and as he had several hymn
books in the pulpit with him, he fired
one or two at the sleeper, but without
avail, and the he unloaded all the
books he had at the intruder, to the
establishment of the congregation, who
by this time were tittering at a great
rate, but the sleeper didn't seem to
mind it much, for he looked up,
changed his position, and fell asleep
again. This IS an astonishing case,
probably unparalleled in history, but
it goes to show that there's limit to
what preachers will stand, even when
they are in the pulpit And they are
right. If a man doesn't go to church
to worship, he should remain away,
and such sacrilegious scamps as sleep.
chatter and scandalize should be put
out.-New Orleans Picayune.
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-05-24
REAL ONION KING

or another. Even with the natural
environment favorable he coaxes his
product to grow through artificial
means. The 10 acres have been sci
entifcally drained so that too much
dampness win not Interfere, and all
through the season he nurses his crop.
Last season everything was favor
able to growing the best crop the 70
acres ever produced. Even Mr.. STAN
baugh was surprised when his onions
began to grow recklessly. When the
crop was finally harvested the result
was 10000 bushels.
IT'S just natural onion land" says
Mr.. Stambaugh in explaining his onion
prodigy. Onions cannot help grow
ing there when you plant them"
The onion" king" smiles in relating
how he invodes even the Texas mar
ket. Down in Texas they irrigate to
raise onions. Sometimes they have to
spend thousands of dollars to irrigate
few acres. II is this cost of irriga-
ton that permits the Ohio onion to
compete with the Texas onion on the
latter's own ground. Up in Hardin
county the Scioto river gratuitously
does what the Texans spend lens Of
thousands in coaxing the Rio Grande
and artesian wells to do.
Mr.. Stambaugh talks OF his onion
exploits only in whispers. He will
not tell just how much he made on
that bumper crop last season. but
some estimate that the profits amount.
ed to more than $4,000.
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-05-24
Swamp Lands Make Fortune for
John Stambaugh.
Ohio Member Of Legislature Raised
Forty six Thousan Bushels In
Buckeye State on Land
Thought Worthless.
3RI R4RAzzz4MaA

Columbus, Ohio-To John STAN
baugh, farmer and membe' of the leg
islature, onions spell all that Is good
and wholesome Only last season he
raised 10000 bushels of them, enough
to set a whole city to weeping. Way
down in Texas, where they pride
themselves on the size of their onion
crop, John Stambaugh and his onions
are known. Likewise In the recesses
of Maine are the Stambaugh onions a
thing Of note. Stambaugh stands for
onions in all the big Ohio citi -, for
his products food all markets.
Ever since 1883 and long before he
thought of being a legislator Mr.. STAN
baugh has been raising onions, There
is marsh In Hardin county which
the Scioto river used to flood. When
the Stambaughs moved there twenty
three years ago muck covered the
marsh In some places six feet deep.
Horses used to sink In It and would
have to be pried out. Wagons also
went down. oftentimes without warn
ing.
system OF draiI age was put I'm and
the water eventually seeped away, but
the marsh is still soft and soggy and
there is where John Stambaugh and
Others raise their onions. In the soft.
yielding earth onions viii grow almost
without provocation, Their roots dive
down into the marshy ground.
Representative Stambaugh has 100
acres of such land and every season he
devOtes 20 acres of 1t to onions. There
is no type Of onion in the category
that be has not raised at one time
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-05-24
GUILE OF DRoNeo CUCKOO
Protected by its Resemblance to
Puenacious Shrike, Il Lays It's
Eggs Where It Pleases.

striking example Of protective
coloring in birds has just been added
to the collection of the Brooklyn In
stitute Museum in the form of
drongo shrike and a drongo cuckoo.
The shrike is a bird of pugnacious
disposition, especially at the nesting
season, when it guards its nest with,
Tor small bird. great ferocity. Doug
las Dewar, from whom this account
IS taken, says that he has watched
pair OF these lite birds attack and
drive away a monkey which tried to
climb into the tree in which their
nest was placed. Indeed, so able q
fighter is the shrike that some other
birds. notably orioles and doves, fire.
quently build their nests in the same
tree in order to share the benefit OF
his proves
The drongo cuckoo lays its eggs
in the nests of such birds as the king
crow. These are pugnacious. even
ferocious, and without some guile
cuckoo could not accomplish this feat
But the drongo cuckoo is so like the
drongo shrike. even having the same
odd twist to its tail feathers, that the
king crow is deceived by the resem.
blance and hesitates to give fight to
what she takes to be one of the pug
nacious shrikes.
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-05-24
He snored into Safety.

Wilkesbarre. Pa, is in the field win
this story: Michael Benner of Plans
owes his life to the fact that he cat
snore loud enough to be heard some
distance away. Early one morning Po-
liceman Schneider of North Wilkes
barre heard shores coming from the
direction OF the Lehigh Valley rail-
road tracks, and fearing that some
one might be asleep on the tracks.
and knowing that an express train
was about due, he investigated. Guild
ed by the snoring he came upon Ben
ner asleep, Just in time to pull him
from the track before the train thun-
dered by. Benner can thank his snore
for saving his life. and Wilkesbarre
can congratulate herself that she has
a policeman who knows a snore when
he hears it.
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-05-24
Acknowledged connoisseurs at Meet.
ing In London Unable TO See SUI
perlority Of Blue Points.

London two score of &C
knowledged oyster connoisseurs con
stituted an epicurean court of arbitra.
ton which met at the Savoy hotel
with the purpose of rendering a final
verdict as to the respective excellency
of the American blue point and the
Colchester native oysters. An interna-
1ional controversy had been brought
about by the cabled reports of re
cent American editorial on the sub
ject. Witch aroused a storm of protest
in England amt induced Gwlnay Ben
ham, former mayor Of Colchester, to is
sue challenge in behalf of the native
bivalve.
Colehester's parliamentary represent
alive. the mayor, two former mayors,
an alderman, the town clerk. and the
manager of the corporation which con-
ducts the oyster fisheries appeared on
behalf Of the English oysters. backed
by Sir Francis Carruthers Gould az .
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-05-24
HAVE OATMEAL FOR BRAINS
Fall River Police serseant's Peculiar
Idea of Men Who Marry on
Small Wages.

Fall River. Mass Sergeant wither.
spoon. court officer at Fall River dis
trict court. says that couple that
weds on 81 a week must have oatmeal
for brains. The sergeant had just
handed over to the probation officer a
young married man who was charged
with nonsupport. Says the sergeant:
Here's a young chap who has only
been married seven months and who
is getting 81 week in mill office.
What this country needs I'm order
to stay the divorce evil is a great big
commission of doctors. don't care
whether they're horse doctors or corn
doctors. to examine the head OF every
man who attempts to get married on
81 a week. and. also the head of the
little goose that agrees 70 hitch up
with such q chap. Thesa medical ex-
perts I'm speaking Of may find brains
in such people, but I'd rather bet
they'd find oatmeal or some sort of
breakfast food mush"
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-05-24
| Tohn Henry |
| u MAKES A 4
u COMPACT
By GEORGE v. HOBART

wagon. Start the driving wheels, re-
peat slowly the name of your favorite
Coroner and leave the rest to Fatel"
And thus they started out in the
Whiz Wagon.
The sequel learned, little by little,
In the after days.
Before they had rolled along for
half mile through town, the machine
suddenly began to breathe fast and
then. all of sudden, 1t choked up
and stopped
''Will it expIode?" whispered Aunt
Martha, pleadingly.
NO." said Uncle Peter, jumping
out; Il think the cosmopolitan has
bGckied with the trapezoid," and then,
with monkey wrench, he crawled I'M
der the machine to see where it had
the appendicitis.
AS soon as Uncle Peter crept under
the bulwarks he took a dislike to a
brass valve and began to knock it
with the monkey wrench, whereupon
the valve got mad at him and upset a
Pint of ancient salad oil all over his
SdtuE Is.
When Uncle Peter recovered con-
seriousness the Bubble was breathing
again, so he jumped to the helm, point
ed the bow at the City Hall, and be-
gan to cut the grass.
Alas! however. It seemed that the
demon of unrest possessed that coal
oil coupe, for 1t soon began to jump
and skip, and suddenly, with snort,
1t took the river road and scooted
away from town.
Uncle Peter patted it on the back
and spoke soothingly, but it was no
use.
Aunt Martha pleaded with him to
keep in near the shore, because she
was getting seasick; but her tears
were in vain.
You must appear calm and indif-
ferent in the presence of danger"
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-05-24
Scarlet Fever Victim. Guaranteed In
Sanitorium, Superintends Con.
structlon by phone.

Portland, Ore.-Quarantined in a
Portland sanatorium with an attack of
scarlet fever, L. + Brayton, in charge
of the history Wilcox building. being
erected at Sixth and Washinl ton
streets, installed telephone by his
bedside and continued the work of
experimenting the skyscrapers COZ.
struction by telephone The first diff,
Guilty Brayton encountered when he
asked for telephone was the unwil.
Hngness OF anyone TO install it in his
room for fear OF contagion. Finally,
despite his Illness, he had the equip
ment sent TO the sanatorium and made
the connections himself
During the period he has been In
quarantine large part Of the founda-
ton OF the building has been com
pleted. the base plates for the steel
set and the delivery of steel on the
ground begun.
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-05-24

muttered Uncle Peter as they rushed
madly into the bosom of a flock of
cows.
But luck was with them, for with a
turn of the wrist Uncle Peter jumped
the Bubble across the road, and all he
could feel was the sharp swish of an
old cows tail across his cheek as they
rushed on and out of that animals
life forever.
Aunt Martha tried to be brave and
to chat pleasantly How is Wall
Street these days?" she asked, and
just then the machine struck stone
and she went up in the air.
Unsettled" answered Uncle Peter
when she got back. and then there
was an embarrassing silence.
To try to hold a polite conversation
on Bubble in full flight is very much
like trying to repeat the Declaration
of independence while falling out the
seventh-story window.
Then. all of a sudden, the machine
struck a chord in G and started for
Halifax, Nova Scotia, at the rate of
100000 miles a minute.
Aunt Martha threw her arms around
Uncle Peters neck, he threw his neck
around the lever, the lever threw him
over, and they both threw fit.
Down the road ahead of them man
and his wife were quarreling They
were so much in earnest that they did
not hear the Bubble sneaking swiftly
up on rubber tires.
AS the machine was about to fall
upon the quarreling man and wife I'm
| Gle Peter squeezed couple of hoarse
foot toots," from the horn, where
upon the woman in the road threw up
both hands and leaped for the man.
| The man threw up both feet and leap
ed for the fence.
The last Aunt Martha saw of hem
! they were entering their modest home
neck and neck, ard the divorce court
lost a bet.
Then the machine began to climb
telegraph pole, and as it ran down
the other side Aunt Martha wanted
to know for the tenth time If it would
explode.
How did John tell you to handle
it?" she shrieked. as the Bubble bit its
way through a stone fence and began
to dance two-step over strange
mans lawn.
The only way to handle this infer
nal machine is to soak It in water. .
yelled Uncle Peter as they hit the
main road again.
u don't see how this can get you
any votes; there isn't soul looking,
! moaned Aunt Martha.
oh! If I could only be arrested for
| fast riding and get this thing stop
ped" walled Uncle Peter as they head.
ed for the river.
Let me out! let me cut" pleaded
Aunt Martha, and the machine seem
I ed 10 hear her, for it certainly Obliged
/ the lady.
/ found out afterwards that IN order
to make good with Aunt Martha the
Bubble jumped up in the sir and turn
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-05-24
Circulating Libraries.

It is absolutely impossible to say
Just when the first circulating library
was opened. If there was ever a rec
ord of the important event, it is lost.
We know that during the middle ages
stationers used to lend books on hire,
and here. no doubt, We have the germ
of the modern circulating library. One
Samuel Fancourt started a real cir.
culating library in England about the
year 1740. but It appears that the PEG
pie were not ready for 1t, since II
soon failed. Similar institutions at
Bath and London. some ten years
later, seem to have succeeded, and
from that time the circulating library
began TO get a fcothold. not only IN
England, but in other European coun
tries.
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-05-24

was the question you would like to
have answered."
why, it is a very important one.
You see, we moved out in the country
last month, and l would like to know
how to tell a bad dog"
The big editor twitched his mustache
refiectively.
You would like to know how to tell
bad dog, eh?"
That's what I'm here for"
"Well. madam, I'll tell you that ques-
ton has really got my goat In all
these long years on earth have never
had anything to tell a bad dog. But
I'll tell you confdentially, ma'am. IL
You really have anything important to
tell him, I'd advise you to put him in
strong cage and whisper it to him
through a 20-inch funnel. Good-day,
ma'am. Looks something like snow
off to the northwest"
And while the fiery little woman
looked daggers and said she intended
to sue the paper, the big editor calmly
put on his hat and slipped out to
lunch.-Judge.
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-05-24
COULDN'T ANSWER QUESTION
Woman Asks Big Editor How to Tell
a Bad Dog, Then Threatens to
Sue Paper.

The sharp-featured little woman
with the faded umbrella under her
arm came boldly through the editorial
rooms and halted at the first desk,
where big. shirt-sleeved man was
drumming absentiy on yellow pad
and gazing over the roof tops.
"Whewl" breathed the big an in
awe, as he sized up his visitor; "a suf.
fragette, as ! live"
But he was mistaken.
"Are you the editor that answers all
the questions ?" she demanded In a
sharp. nasal voice.
"Er-yes, madam; all except who
discovered the north pole"
We'll, sent a message down here
by mail last week and have never
heard from it. Do you think am 60
ing TO spend a penny every day for
your paper and then not find what I
am looking for?"
Weller, you see we have been a
little rushed during the last few days,
and maybe we overlooked it. What
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-05-24
FISH CoNvEYoRS OF LEPRosY
New Orleans Doctor Outlines Expert.
ments Which He Has Made
With the Baccili.

Chieago,-Fish and oysters were ac-
FUSED OF being conveyors Of leprosy by
DR. NJ. Couret Of New Orleans in his
address before the national conven-
ton of the American Association of
Pathoiogists and Psychologists. 1t
was because of this. he said. that in.
habitants of Norway and Sweden had
suffered so extensively from leprosy.
as well as the fish-eating people If
Italy and Greece. He outlined e9r Il
ments he had made with leprosy 5ae-
Gill in fish, in which the germs had
flourished in both cold and temperate
waters.
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-05-24

ed q double handspring. during the
course of which the candidate and his
wife fell out and landed IN the most
generously-inclined mud-puddle in that
part of the state.
Then the Coal-oil Coupe turned
around and parked at them, and with
whisk OF its tail scooted for home.
When Uncle Peter and Aunt Mar
the finally reached the villa they were
sights; but before the old gentleman
could register his kick We were inter
rupted by a messenger. who brought
the following typewriter document:
CHALLENGE!
The Committee which is conducting the
gentlemanly canvass now being made by
the Hon. William Gray for Mayor OF
Ruraldene believes that the Hon. Peter
Grant. the opposing candidate, has not a
leg TO stand on, and in the furtherance
of this belief hereby challenges the Hon.
Peter Grant 10 meet the Hon. William
Gray in joint debate. to be held in the
pubic square on the eve OF election. next
Monday week. at S p. m. The PROBABLE
ties are that the Hon. Peter Grant will
not put in an appearance.
tSigned) Bunch Jefferson,
Chairman Of Committee
Won't put in an appearance" yell
ed Uncle Peter. Il won't, Ell? I'll
fay him alivel I'll make old Bill Gray
wish he had never been bornl'
Make mine the same" said, as
shook Uncle Peters hand.
Copyright by C. w. Dillingham; COB
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-05-24

both hands and put one foot on the
accelerator. Now put the other foot
On the rheostat and let the left elbow
gently rest on the deodizer Keep the
rubber tube connecting with the auto
matte fog whistle closely between the
teeth and let the right elbow be In
touch with the Quadruplex while the
apex of the left knee is pressed over
the spark coil aud the right ankle
works the condenser"
Uncle Peter groaned. Why don.
you put my left shoulder blade to
work." he muttered: ITS the only
part Of my anatomy that hasn't got a
Job"
John. whispered the nervous
Aunt Martha. 90 you really think
Peter has to do this in order to be
elected"
sure, I answered, and l was very
serious about it, NOV, Uncle Peter.
keep both eyes on the road IN front
Of you and the rest OF your face in tie
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-05-24

The art of flying kites is carried to
its greatest perfection at the large
theological observatories. and the
best records of attitudes up to date
have been made at Mount Weather.
Va, and Lindenberg, Germany. The
former station is SIS meters above sea
level, the latter only 100, a circum-
stance that should be remembered in
comparing the records made in the
two places. The following list of the
highest flights, recently published by
Dr. Assmann, gives the altitude above
the ground. not above sea level: 1,
Mount Weather. 6.740 meters; 2 Lin
denberg, $500 meters; 8, Mount
Weather, 6.519 meters; 4, Mount
Weather, 6.4s4 meters; 5. Lindenberg.
$3.50 meters: 6. Mount Weather, 6.37s
meters.
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-05-24

Sacramento. Galaxy husbands
will dnd California hard place to ply
their vocation as result OF the sign
Ing Of bill by Governor johnson. The
bin provides that in case of conyic.
ton OF husband of failure TO provide
for his family he shall be put to work
on the county roads or some other
public works and tho county shall pay
$3.50 day to the wife and babies for
each day the nonprovider works.
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-05-24
ENGLISH OYSTERS ARE GOOD

witness. Sir Hiram Maxim, Jacob
Heiyborn and Newton Crane were the
paladians Of the blue point
Chefs had prepared 1000 English
and 500 American oysters in many diff
ferent ways, and they werS served at
luncheon. Although the parusans
of both sides displayed a wealth of
arguments, wit and humor neither sue
eeeded quite in convincing the oppon-
ents. After an hour and a half Of live
ly discussion a compromise was ar,
ranged and charges II a coppery. inky
flavor against the Colchester natives
was declared not proven.
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-05-24

Mrs. Charles Whitney. who lives in
Ovexbrook and whose husband comes
to town every morning, called the
maid yesterday with rather excited
direction.
"Oh. SARAH" she said, Il hadn't
noticed how late It is. Go upstairs
and tell Mr.. whitney to hurry or
he'll miss his train
Il have called him" Sarah answered
proudly, 'and he says, ma'am. that
If / puts the grapefruit Just outside
the door and the chops on the top
step and the rolls and coffee on the
landing he can catch the $40 train
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-05-24
DEAD Ones.

Why, three generations Of my fam,
ny have lived and died in this coun.
try" he boosted. before your ances-
tors were able to raise the amount
they needed to come over in the steer.
age"
Very true. But those three genera
lions OF your family are still dead
ones, / believe"
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-05-24

There goes a man who makes it a
point. no matter where he Is. to raise
his standard"
He must be very keen about i'm
provement"
Not so much tnat as because he
q the regimental hag- bearer"
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-05-24
CONVICT REFUSES A PARDON
Texas Man, Serving Long Sentence
for Murder, Prefers 70 Stay In
Prison and Make Converts.

Galveston, Tex-Paul Graynor, thir-
ty-seven years of age, who is serving
a forty-year term In the state peni-
Tertiary for murder, refused a pardon.
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-05-24
DIRECTS WORK FROM HIS BED

Il did not feel so very sick, despite
the doctors warning" said Brayton.
Il made up my mind | was going to
keep in touch with the work. and
saw 1t through"
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-05-24
Only Once.

How often, my good man." said
the stranger at the waysite station.
do the trains stop here7"
The trains stop here" said the
sour station porter. only cnee- Altar
bat they starr Stray Stories-