The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1911-06-14
Tho squire's Probation

squire luOuldS JoucfSOu 0hd66o
was the most talented swearer around
Merryville. The squire swore if he
lost dime or found dollar, if it
rained or if there was a long dry
spell, wind blew. east or wind blew
west. He could hold his own with a
circus boss, and make sailors par
rot hang it's head in shame.
The squire was rather proud of his
accomplishment, until he began court.
ing the Widow Lindsey. Then he
came to wish that his prowess ran
along different lines.
Look here, squire--you say you
love me?"
eyes, by" began Squire Skaggs.
Tut, TUT" checked Widow Linds-
ley. IF you will go 80 days without
one word of profanity, III marry you;
if not, 1 won't"
Then the squire began the great
battle. The first day he spent con-
juring up and jotting down long list
of words and explosives to be used
for substitutes for his own blue-flame,
sulphurious vocabulary. The list be-
ban with "Zum" and he put it into
practice next morning when the gray
mule, old Mol, stepped upon his foot.
Great Abou Ben Adhem! What in
the name of Zoroaster is the matter
with you, by Zum?' And old Mol
gazed at him reproachfully.
The squire held manfully to his lit
tie manual of polite expletive, daily
reporting progress to the widow. He
found that for trivial provocatiOn,
such as receiving a dun from the
Weekly Foghorn or stumbling his
toe, the manual did fairly we'll, but
that for really trying situations, such
as chasing his hat in the mud, "By
vum!" and ooh, Caesarea!" were
wholly inadequate. The widow CEN
sored the manual and cut out such
transparent substitutes as "Rotter-
dam" and Amsterdam" on her own
account.
Toward the end of the month of
probation the squire took the widow
behind old Mol to the Foot Washing
Baptists' camp meeting at Hickory
grove. The squire had f1awless rec
ord, and both were in fine spirits over
the prospect of speedy union. While
at the meeting, however, it set in to
rain, and by the time they reached
Wolf creek on the return journey it
was tremendously high. When ex-
actly in the middle of the stream old
Mol baked. The squire dashed and
coaxed her, then rallied at her in the
revised near-swearing, but she planted
her fore feet more firmly. The buck
board was awash and floating danger
ously. Great logs and rails were bump
ing down stream. The widow fretted.
The squire grew desperate.
Widow" he announced, eff you will
crawl back in the hind end of the
wagon and stick your fingers in your
ears good and tight, maybe l pan
reason with this perverse creature"
The widow hesitated, but the dan
ger was great and she went.
Got 'em stopped good and tight?"
asked Spire Skaggs.
The widow did not answer, so that
the squire drew his own conclusions
and sailed in. He began with the Al
pha of his own original. blue-fame,
code, and went straight
through to Omega, emitting nothing.
At the first familiar expletive old Mol
perked up her ears. In half minute
she was looking back with approval.
Before Squire Skaggs had half fin
ished old Mol clicked her heels to-
gether and hauled the blackboard
high upon the bank.
When the widow climbed back upon
the seat, Squire Skaggs hung his
head, as one who has stolen a baby
sheep. He could only utter broken
ly:
81 guess I've spoiled my probation,
widow. had to talk right positive to
that mule"
To his establishment the widows
face was radiant. esquire Skaggs,"
she replied, my fingers slipped out,
and l must say you are the most elo
quent man I ever heard. After the
I'm going to teach you to
pray"