Evening star., 1911-07-30


X If he can't. he'll tell you
anyhow.
The dominant idea Of the diagnostician
is to induce you to produce The idea
always goes through as per schedule.
The diagnostician guesses. you produce
and the callons world wags on, needless
of your discomfort or suffering.
This is going to be a little narrative
of the recent experiences with some d.
agnesticians Of a man. excessively Wen
known to the writer, hereof, who had
and has. some kind of stomach bother
alton of a sort which probably afilicts
about ten million other persons In the
United States. although the man tried
for a long time to fatter himself into
the belief that he was the only human
being on the globe possessed Of that par
ticular kind Of stomach trouble.
The trouble manifested itself at very
frequent intervals by what we mere lay
mep would call, and do call. a "gnawing
down there" indicating the spot with
one or other Of the hands.
1t was. and is a gnawing down there
which interfered greatly with the man.
peace. comfort, happiness, work, poetic
temperament, cheerfulness and chirk.
diced eye upon the canary In Its cage
and even to emit poisonous remarks upon
the slightest provocation to the wife OF
his bosom.
:; ..---.
For this trouble the man with the
gnawing saw and interviewed all of the
from Penobscot bay to the Gulf Of Cali
,f 0hn~
book make it appear as IL he must have
done so.
Each OF the general practitioners,
after looking owlish, called 1t by a
different name; each OF the names
sounded like the incantations OF the
alchcmistS OF Padua in the middle
ages. The man made 1t point to
save up the prescriptions given him
by all Of the general practitioners.
the man. every time he looks at IT..
Of the stack of pawn tickets he used
to accumulate each spring and autumn
after a Benning race meeting; and
for heft and bulk and thickness, no
bigger metaphor could be used than
that.
So, finding the general practitioners
SO divergent Ito put 1t in that nice
Atlantic Monthly way). the man with
the. gnawing down there. upon the
who said to him. "Yuh jes' gotta do 1t,
OIL man." began to daily with the dag
nosticians: that is to say. he started
in to submit himself TO the specialists
Specialist No. l was renowned
Philadelphia medical person. bearded
like a bard. who wears a. gray frock
suit in his palatial consulting room
of mornings, with a gardenia in the
buttonhole. and whose rosy facial pelt.
on such portions thereof as are vis-
l. 4I~ 1nl ~, =, fr-
suteness. Is standing and settled m
suit to any human being afflicted with
stomach trouble who calls to ask him
for diagnosis.
The man with the gnawing had to
go through the usual humiliating pro-
gram with the wealthy and celebrated
Philadelphia specialist That is to
say. he had to get into Turkish bath
regalia (meanins a wan smile and a
hope for better things} and permit the
diagnostician (who Is a noted golf
player and whose hands. therefore.
feel like steel tongs) to paw and knead
and pound and rub and punch and belt
him in a horribly unseemly. undfgnf-
fed and harmful and -hurtful manner:
By the time, 1T was over the man .,
strength to rise from the chilly leather
couch (that couch must have cost
about $500 at least) and .reassume his
clothing.
:'Ha. har' exuded the rosy, bearded.
sray-frock-coa.e ed specialist, poking the
man with gnawing right in the nnathe-
maticai center Of the same with a forged
steel thumb. ''Ha, ha! So you think
you're a sick man. eh! Tush, man! Stop
that nonsense! Why, you're white hope!
With about two weeks training you could
polish off Johnson. Been eating too
much, that's all. Cantaloupe for break
fast. did you say? Quit It! Cantaloupe
was never meant for human food! And
corn on the cob? Stop 1t: would under
take to illuminate Philadelphia with the
gas that corn OH the cob creates IN one
human system. Abandon those two
things, and you'll come out all right.
..Er-uh-but how about this constant
pain, doctor? the man with the gnaWlns
ventured humbly to ask.
.sTut. You have no pain!' was The
prompt and fatteEinE reply. All inaRi-
nation! Stop thinking of yourself. ThinK
of somebody else-of everybody else
don't think of yourself at all. That's the
trouble with so many of my patients
They deliberately--I was about to say