The herald and news. [volume] (Newberry S.C.) 1903-1937, 1911-07-25

SOrtlnenL Ol eulOle preparations, Uul
Smithers almost gave her nervous
prostration once. That was when the
butter was out Of his reach and the
bread was very dry.
"Madam," he said, in his most per-
suasive tone, 'please be SO kind as to
place within easy access Of my digital
extremities the oleaginous concrete
essence of lacteal fluid, with which to
! lubricate the staff of life
Many of the older readers Of Home
and Farm remember what pleasure
they used to get out of the old con
versatjon cards." If young man de-
sired 10 converse with a young lady,
he would hand her a card bearing the
printed question: MAY l have the
exquisite pleasure of revolving the
hub of my loquacity around the axle
tree of your comprehension?
Perhaps the young lady, to carry
out the spirit of fun and frolic, would
hand him a card reading something
like this:
"The pendulum of your inquiry ocill-
ates beyond the clock case of my men
tality::" or, in simple language, II do
not understand you; you are beyond
my comprehension"
One of the old conversation cards
was intended for the timid youth who
wished to accompany some pretty girl
to her home. 1t bore the question:
"May I have the extreme felicity Of
escorting you to your domiciliary To-
cation?" The girl could answer yes by
! handing him card reading:
MY answer to your interrogatory is
contained in the comprehensive affirm
ative monosyllable," meaning the word
''yes," of course "The comprehen-
sive negative monosyllable, mo, %
could be used in case she refused his
request.
''In the infnitessimal subdivision Of
time, as the card language for "in a
moment, just as that removes the
dilapidated linen from the infantile
tree" as equivalent to saying, "that
takes the rag off the bush"
To tell one: "You have the wrong
infantile porcine quadruped by the
auricular organ" simply meant: 'You
have the wrong pig by the ear" or, in
other words: "You have made mis-
take"
Smithers' spiel about the butter was
sometimes varied into rebuke for a
presumptuous 'smart Alec," thus:
''You seem not to comprehend upon
which side of your staff of life the
oleaginous concrete essence of lacteal
fluid is disseminated" which simply
informed him that he did not know
which side of his bread was buttered.
Some of the fings Of the old CONVEX
sation cards were even more severe
and emphatic than the last named.
For example, if a lady had special
repugnance for some too persistent
gentleman, she could convey her SEN
ti1nents to him upon card reading:
please take your departure to the
reverbegating echoes of heavens ar
tillery;" or, in other words: "Go to
thundert"
During the war a popular young
lady was passing the quarters of some
officers one morning, when she OBJ
! served a. young lieutenant of her ac-
Quaintance toasting a piece of bread
upon the point of his sword. She
naively remarked: II see, Lieutenant,
that you have the staff Of life upon the
point Of DEATH"
At a social gathering Of bellies and
beaux Jealous girl, :n speaking to a
young man about popular maiden,
spoke OF her as that red-headed, pop
eyed thing"
II think I should describe her diff
erently," her companion remarked.
"How?" inquired the girl.
s'Why, I should speak of her as
the authenticated damsel. with pro-
truding optics, was the response.
One bombastic young man rather
got the worst Of his efforts to "lm-
press" a group of loungers with his
superior knowledge when he pomp-
ously addressed a negro butler some
what after this style as he drove up to
livery stable:
II say, hostler, extricate this quad
ruped from the vehicle; stabulate
him; devote to his ailmentary neces-
sites supply of cereal nutrition ade-
quate to his equine demands, and when
I return hither upon the next diurnal
oo1rooch of Anrora'S golden chariot