davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1911-08-01
ACCORDING TO SAMMY

Farthir, sed ma to pop last mite vile
pop was smoaking a segar and ma was
rocking in the rocking chare and think
ing.
Mothir, sed pop
My mothir hasent payed US a WHIT
for almost a yeer now, sed ma.
Bettir mock avn wood, sed pop.
Wot's That
Watts that, watts that. sed ma
dident say enything, sed pop.
Well. sed ma. was thinking Of ask
ing her to come and stay with US
cupple of weaks or so. And l don't
want eny ubjecktschuns. eether. pleeze,
she sed, bekaus she hasent bin hear for
sutch a lawng time now 1 konsider its
my dooty to ask her. and I'm going to
do It wy don't you say sumthing. she
sed.
I'm thinking. sed pop.
Don't strain yureself, sed ma
I'm thinking, sed pop, that mey be its
not so unreeznible aftir awl for you to
ask yure mothir to pay us Witt.
Now, that's the way like to heer you
tawk, sed ma That's sensibil.
Yes, sed pop. I've got a plan.
Heb, sed ma
Speaking of mothirs and Wits. sed
pop, my mothir hasent payed us a WHIT
The Washington times., 1911-08-01

for at least two years. Wen I think of
it my konshunce trubbles me. Now, Ill
tell you wat, he sed, you ask yure
mothtr and Ill ask my mothir and then
we will have the Wits ovir and dun
with at the saim time.
Its a create plan, sed pop, and I in
sist upon II. I insist upon you asking
yure mothir and I insist upon asking
my mothir. The moar 1 think of It, he
sed, the moar feezible 1t sownds to me.
But yure mothir and my mothir never
Good get along togethir. sed ma, and
you no II.
A Crate Plan
OF corse I no it, sed pop, but that
will ony lend exsitement and intrist
to the WHIT, meen the Wits. BY
Jove. mothir. he sed, think its ! of
the best plans 1 evir had.
I don't like it at awl, sed ma and
pop sed. But you will grow to like II
aftir they've bin heer a vile.
o. lets puspone both visits for a vile,
sed ma, and pop sed, awl rite, II you
insist. Don't you ask yure mothir and
1 won't ask my mothir, mutch az
wood like to have them both.
Then he went out in the hall, and
followed him, and he patted me avn
the back and gave me a nickil
The Washington times., 1911-08-01
Reddy Smith Chats
On NeWspapermen

Speakin' Nv de noospaper business.
Jimmie, es far es can learn, It's uh
game Nv wits an exactness wild stick
to-it-iveness thrown in.
De man dat gifts dere in de game is
de wun dat has de grit to fight an
amt uhfraid wv workin' morn hours
uhday.
Take de feller dat jes' passed. He
amt much fur looks, is skinny as uh
rail, an don't look es dough he could
do anything. But dat's where uh bunch
NV persons is fooled. Why he's de
bes' noospaperman in dis town. If it's
uh murder mystery, he's de man dey
send. If it's uh big fire, he gets dat,
too, cause he can write uh better hu-
man interest story dan any six guys on
de same sheet put together.
Sure. he's tired lookin', Jimmie. VINO
wouldn't be II yu wus up half de day
an mos NV de night tryin' tu get
some story dat everybody likes tu
read?
tells yu, Jimmie. de people don't
know what It is tn give yur time an
brains fur uh little salary in order
dat half de world might see what de
res, nv dem are doin'. Yoo picks up
nh paper an reads It in wonder. an
so do I, at some of desc stories, but
we never think uhbout dem tired
feIIers dat digs dem up, or writs
dem SOS we can understan' dem.
IT'S uh great wurk deir DOOM, Jim
rofe-uh great wurk-an' 1t mus be
sorter consolin' tu be able tn give
vur time an brains fur de benefit Nv
humanity!
The Washington times., 1911-08-01

hadn't been a duck egg in the place
since it opened-you won't find a store
in town that keeps 'em-because she
looked like such a ready money sort OF
customer, 1 knew I'd get anything
short of a raise if managed to freeze
on to her.
Were Just out of them" I had to
tell her, after doing some rapid think
ing without hitting on anything. But
If you'll come back later"
But she was down the street by that
time, and the boss had come in passing
her on the way. OF course he wanted
to know the why's and whyfores of the
case. I told him about the duck eggs.
You miserable human cheese" he
yells, she meant Dukkegg's Worces-
tershire sauce. It's just called Duk-
kegg's, and. Of course, We keep L."
And that wasn't all he said, either.
The Washington times., 1911-08-01
Loretta's Looking Glass

IF MARRIAGE is a lottery, you are
the ticket. Some man, with the en-
thusiastic oblivion to everything but
love that Is a trait of the sex, may
think you are just the ticket for him.
He takes you-and draws a blank.
And you are the girl who will blame
the man who foolishly takes you when
he finds out he has drawn the blank.
1t will all be his fault.
And lots Of women will sympathize
with you and nod their heads and ex-
claim: Another one Of these unfaithful
men,
How can a man be expected to be
faithful to a human lottery ticket? He
may have invested with glittering
hopes The prize looked big. The prize
IS big-if it is won. There is no happi-
ness that can come to man or woman
so perfect as the happiness of real mar
riage But you, who looked SO prom
ising, are only a gilded nut. Cracked.
you are wien and withered and dry.
The Marriage Failure
What do 1 mean? Am 1 blaming the
girl for the marriage failure? Yes.
l am. The girl and the girls mother
and every other woman before them or
who may come after who does not get
busy doing her share to rob marriage
of its present uncertainty
What is one thing certain as death
and taxes that every man and girl must
do, no matter how much they love?
EAT. You know 1t. Three meals a
day are the three cardinal necessities
of your waking hours. And you can
not GET ONE.
Oh! you can cook, can you? I know
your lace-frilled, chafing-dish bluff. It
takes men in; but 1t does not deceive
me. I have played the game too often.
have worn a fetching three -cornered
apron and welded the silver salt cellar
The Washington times., 1911-08-01
Ii Took Mother Years

But we are talking about you. You
cannot do any better than any other
girl who depends upon her innate clev-
erness, her desire to please, and the
love-idiocy of Indulgence, for the accom-
plishment Of the common things which
it took MOTHER THREE OR FOUR
YEARS TO LEARN. And meanwhile.
the little riffs in the matrimonial lutte
get to twanging out of tune and harsh.
No girl breathing can adjust herself
to a half dozen things at once. Get
ting used to the new experience of be-
ing married is complicated. That's why
it's all such a lottery when the girl
has not only that to do; but she must
keep the domestic wheels, which she
has never learned to oil, running at
the same time.
Why do you not study the mechanics
Of domesticity? Then you will have
time to be pretty and pleasant and en-
ticing. Love flies out of the window,
THE KITCHEN WINDOW. He can't
stand the fuss and worry. Why not
make the range as seductive as the
chafinS dish?
The Washington times., 1911-08-01

to him. And chafing dishes hold what
does appeal! And the girl who oper-
inclined man. She hits every weak spot,
beginning with his eyes and ending with
his stomach. taking his heart en- route.
But cook! I can't cook a whole meal
without having a nervous At and burn
ing my anatomy in every exposed place.
Can you? Oh! 1 can make a cake. And
l can make a spaghetti mess that rivals
any Italians concoction. But when
begin to get the coffee and the potatoes
and the steak and the other vegetables
that ought to go with them into the
proper order for gastronomic utility,
The Washington times., 1911-08-01

s sFs s: Of 3 of at ss y as table, %
the teHt of WHICH had almost become ritual from TePetion
go M % @ the d ss ] on s t5s sGtf H S
S % o S rha 5 s k G 6s fSR ID5 %
% sny b d G We G will puf he2
We'll Won't put her out any more than & will m me to be E Psste5e tered
tina, worth home and having keep telling fool
Hs%s s~ u, % s ali IG' my lie ADybodd think you We're
ashamed of wife the fuss about going places with me-
Sulks an d Tears
@ ss % would nf;sef @ d. in P spite 3 of Gys lloyd os in in
his boredom all the @ back hom d b R9 & simply M M ~GFn at
table else sube in fit the su shower Of What;
oa T RspB d's5soe Of ad'So @ %
'S" 5S PS's !.S si: E"
4S3 iSR ?sj s & 5 dinner 5b SiP
3F couldn't Be M RTomissd 5n Mr.; H155 IRIS
Woman gone home yet: Veil i'm not going there What
5ot et'9 so RsGRf S 51 Pf 3
expect them invitations trying to show
But nothing said the Little Old Lady Alice could say would
be 4eFd 9 m Very I ASs hs ia ask a: @ @ oG S
s %s Hn 3 FIJI t8 s put that way " not
them snfE
fse1 m the up 5 ne @ Of @ o Of his w h bTed PU % her ]
when that Of her toilet Then he bheId
wrap over her shoulders and off for the Harrises without
don't foolish Alice the Of h hooking her
bsd sSRss his %S @
of the quarrel from his mind.
Tweaked Her Left Ear
THE force Of old habit acquired in the honeymoon stages
without votion, with his thumb
and finger he his show he gently
taked his ws left and in the parnce that the
So n @ s u5G b s n HIS % sec e ns 5
of hurt Don't Alice III
60 stay home Ralph I've been selfish about too
night Alice spoke The minute weaked dear,
wasn't much the with
hat ateredand OH after that believe really would much rather
have stayed home with you
The Lady smiled I smiling myself for,
deep my and mind treasured the memory
that still outlved honeymoon of my own!
The Washington times., 1911-08-01
SIZE HOLDS IT UP TO THE
HUMAN LOTTERY TICKET

while I dexterously tossed the contents
of the chafing dish with a long-handled
spoon. have radiated satisfaction just
as a cat caressed dispenses purrs. 1
saw the eyes Of man fastened on
me in my fascinating play with that
frenzy OF approval that illuminates
mans vision when he sees a girl he
admires doing something that appeals
The Washington times., 1911-08-01
Seasoned Tests
Lightly Given
HIS THEORY

Sunday School Teacher-What are
sins, Harold?
Small Harold-Parents.
Sunday School Teacher-Why, how do
you make that out?
Small Harold-WeIl, the good book
says, BE sure your sins will find you
out" and that's what parents are al
ways doing.
The Washington times., 1911-08-01

they all get killed later centrally If he admit
down part there's Gble
be the staff.
What do think of your chances" eporteru
aviator Just startn his fly from New York Fran
cisco and back by way of way of Cape Horn.
oh all killed later. Just little side
please. So long, and he like bird wing
scrptve writers like
It's Thrilling Even Read 1t
Any will idea of VIII
little safe and sport Belle.
The aviator had trouble in starting you'll read "on
suddenly
endin him crashin against wall fifty yards
"Pkin himself however, he laughed lightly
he and remarked
happen the best aeropanes
for, spendn repcn
gracefy after knockin ony photographers
dozen spectators.
After crcn the heads Of the multitude for four
mlhap
the reacherous and slightly smashn into
steep he made beautiful landing the left hand of his
he disabled aeropane aerodrome
where fifteen carpenters maxim ready tomorrows
flight"
And for about $780, Belle, they'll you flights
with them.
The Washington times., 1911-08-01
ENGLISH JOKE FOR TODAY

"Failing fruit to quench the thirst,
nothing is better than lemon and gly-
cerine lozenges, or black currant loz-
enges; and better than either, lime and
glycerine lozenges. Punch.
The Washington times., 1911-08-01
Head Was So Small

Percy Pettipate-I was so vexed I
gave every one there a piece of my
mind.
to make It go around?
The Washington times., 1911-08-01
No Cause For Worry

First Actor am in a quandary. L
have been offered an engagement by
two managers. and don't know how
to act.
Second Actor-Well, don't worry.
They'll soon find It out.
The Washington times., 1911-08-01
Consciousness

Papa, did Mr.. Softleigh call on
you today?
Yes, dear"
We'll, what followed?"
Two doctors and an ambulance"
The Washington times., 1911-08-01
Sure Sign

Jimmy, do you love me?"
Great Scott. girl: do I love you.
Amt 1 kept my hands and face clean
for more than week all on account of
your
The Washington times., 1911-08-01
Too Prni1d

Tall One-It's too bad he can't make
something out of his voice.
Short one-Well. he's too proud TO
work as a fog horn on a lighthouse.
The Washington times., 1911-08-01
You Ret

Prosecuting Counse-Now, sir. would
you care to swear
Irritated Witness-Yes, I would!
The Washington times., 1911-08-01
Our Grocery Clerk
Says: Eggs Are Eggs

do you keep duck eggs?"
That's what she said-a swell-looking
dame that ia never laid eyes on before
in my LIE. I hated to tell her there
The Washington times., 1911-08-01
NJ a m i e
-TELLS=
B e | | e
Daring" Is
Tame in Speaking Of
Aviators

We you noticed any news O the DARN avators in
hear O. one Of en- yin to to EnIope and p outtin e one
over on the boys at home few days later by
landn among 'em with the latest thing in English
straw hats.
"Darin'" is the word always used to describe
EN-. but it's not strong enough. The fellows that
made the English language didn't make any strong
enough.
There wasn't any aeroplane men then.
If you watch the papers closely, you'll find that
no aviator is allowed to make an important fight
The Washington times., 1911-08-01
Adventures
=IN=
Married Life
The Lloyds
Readjusted By
Force Of Habit

ABIT" said the Little Old Lady "is the most habit
ual peacemaker married life knows for the little
dsagreements and tiffs that crop up and then
in the best regulated families.
The FIVE years of the Lloyds married life and
having home of ones own that developed in
Alice a decided liking for soeiabity and the inter
change of neghborhood courteses had evolved just
as decided a disnclinaton Ralph's part for
special occasion called him forth. 1t situa-
ton very prolific of post-prandal discord in the
Lloyd household. Alice absolutely refused to go
without Ralph and Ralph refused to 60 Every
The Washington times., 1911-08-01
Of Course

Billy-T ought yer said de water was
up to yer ears? Why. dis pond amt
over ten inches deep.
Jimmy-Aw, well, It'll be up to yer
ears If you go in head first
Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922, 1911-06-29
Signal Corps School
Will Be Reorganized
Captain Arthur S. Cowan' Under
Orders to Give Instruction for
Enlisted Men at Omaha.
Frorn a STAFF Correspondent

WASHINGTON. June ss.RSpecial Tele-
gram.l-with instructions TO reorganize the
school for enlisted men in the signal corps
at Omaha. Captain Arthur S. .Cowan now
stationed In the chief signal office at
Washington will proceed to Omaha on
August l. Lieutenant W. N. Haskell. who
is temporarily in charge Of the school. will
act as Captain Cowan's assistant.
Although Captain Cowan has not fully
developed his plans he expects to provide
FOR two courses OF study at the school.
One win be for noncommissioned officers
and the other q sort OF preliminary train
ing for recruits Among the studies which
viii be included in the curriculum will be
telegraphy and telephone and wireless
engineering. A comprehensive course in
cable work and instructions in gasoline
engineering will also be provided for. No
officer in the signal corps is better qualified
for the work as It has always been Captain
Cowsn's speciality since he entered the
service.
Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922, 1911-06-29
Surplus for Fiscal
Year 1915, 900, 900
Showing Will Be Best Since 1907
Government Spends Less Than
Planned and Receives More.

WASHINGTON. June 2S-The United
States treasury will have a surplus Of ap-
proximately S2S.oooOoo when the fiscal year
OF 1911 ends on Saturday. The fiscal year Of
1910 closed with a surplus of sls,Oj0OOo.
This years showing will be the best since
1907. when a surplus seldom equaned-
s1ll. Ooo. oOo-was shown. Both 1905 and 1909
showed deficits Of s9o,OooOoo and $500 900.
respectively.
Treasury officials believe final figures
viii show the government during the year
just closing has received more than IL es
timated and spent a little less than e
planned.
Total receipts from all sources are ex-
pected to total approximately $500 600.
They were estimated at ss7s, 10000. Total
expenditures, not including the Panama
canal, will be about lse00Oo0OO. The treas
ury expected TO spend $50, 10000
The years work on the canal will cost
approximately Stooooooo All OF this wa
advanced out Of the governments ready
cash and viii be replaced from the pro-
ceeds Of the e5o.0oo.ooo bond sale which viii
begin to flow into the treasury about
July Is.
Corporation tax receipts which were beinj
depended upon to contribute largely TO
surplus probably will not be received a
promptly as was expected. Treasury Off
cials expect that fully $1,000 COO or hal
the estimated receipts from the tax, vii
not be forthcoming until July 10
Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922, 1911-06-29
VISITING NURSES DISPLEASED
Declare Nan Stevens is Removed fol
Political Reasons.
CoNNEIL OUTLINES HIS PLANS
Retrenchment Orders Provide Sir
Months Vacation for Quarantine
officer and One Month for
Each Inspector.

DR.. r. w. Connen. health commissioner.
Wednesday morning announced his plans
for retrenchment In his department. Miss
Nan Stevens, who has charge of quarantine
work, is slated for a long vacation. which
virtually means dismissal. Dr. Cornell
says that he win give her rest from July
/ TO January l. The Visiting Nurses as
ISOLATION IL up IN arms over the orders,
declaring that as a matter Of politics Miss
Stevens is slated for an extended respite.
IL being the intention to make room for
some one with political influence. DR..
Connell states that Samuel Daemon. super
intendent OF inspectors, will take up the
work done by Miss Stevens.
Further retrenchment orders VIII give
practically every Inspector In the office q
long vacation without pay. Beginning July
one month will be given to Samuel Milder
and Daniel Horrigan, and on August two
more will be allowed to go fishing. This
will be continued until all have been &C
oomodated with vacations DR.. Cornell ex.
plains that he found 1t necessary to issue
the orders in the interest OF economy.
Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922, 1911-06-29
Storm Catches Taft
on His Favorite Links
Presidential Party Gets Wetting,
Fleeing to Caddy House for
Shelter.

WASHINGTON. June pa deluge OF
rain and hail. accompanied by thunder and
lightning and a wind that attained a We
locity OF sixty miles an hour, today forced
an adjournment Of the senate, caught Pres
dent Taft in the open on the Chevy Chase
golf links, caused the destruction OF
building at the Soldiers home and played
havoc with shade trees. The storm lasted
only twenty minutes and was the climax Of
day Of intense heat, the thermometer on
the street level registering 1O2 When the
storm was at its height lightning struck
one Of the big dairy stables at the Soldiers
homo end within few minutes the struc-
ture with its contents was in ashes. The
loss is $4,000.
President TAFT had with him on the Chevy
Chase golf links General Clarence Edwards
and Major A. W. Butts when the storm
broke Because OF the suddenness Of the
downpour the three were drenched. Led
by the president they fled to the nearest
shelter the caddy house, where they re-
mained until the downpour ceased and then
resumed their game over q soggy course.
Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922, 1911-06-29
Yictor Reeorda for InIr.

All over this broad land OF ours the
people are forsaking dangerous fireworks
and coming around more and more TO a
safe and sane Fourth. And the new Victor
records for July will have their part in
this years celebration in thousands OF
homes where there are vietors. These in
struments win be heard playing 10 de-
lighted listeners the new Arms Of America
March," composed by Arthur Pryor and
rendered by his own band. 1t is a rousing
good military march. with its stirring
martial strainS great brtlliancy and meIo-
diousness. and Pryor's band plays II with
admirable spirit and absolute precision.
IL there's a crowd OF young folks around,
they'll likely want 70 enjoy a dance and
they can do that 20 their hearts content,
as the Victor Dance orchestra plays the
Love and Spring WaltEes" and a two
step medley OF popular airs.
Two interesting sacred numbers which
are paired on a Victor double-faced record
are worthy OF particular mention. I've
Found q Friend" sung by Mr.. and Mrs.
Wheeler. and The Lord Is My Shepherd. 4"
by Miller and Werrenrath. Mr. Werren-
rath also sings with the Victor chorus.
Dear Delightful Women" spirited num-
Der from The Balkan Princess. John
Barnes Wells sings effectively the familiar
"A Red. Red Rose" Two delightful songs
relating TO childhood are Offered on an
other double-faeed record. IAN Aboard for
Blanket Bay" sung by Walter Van Bruht
and the old favorits Ny Trundle Bed, "
given By Helen Clark.
Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922, 1911-06-29
sTRoMSBURG HAS BAD STORM
Large Barn Torn to Pieces and Large
Brick SmOkestack Blown
Down.

sTROMs3URG. Neb., June 2S-(Spe-
l.)-one OF the worst windstorms passed
over this vicinity Sunday night between 10
o'clock and midnight that has ever been
experienced by any OF the old settlers. the
wind blowing first from the southwest and
doing considerable damage, breaking down
trees and some of the wooden awnings on
store buildings and chimneys and smaller
outbuildings. The largest single building
was the barn belonging 70 Samuel Powers.
which was struck by a small tornado evil
IDENTIFY, as It was torn 10 pieces and parts
Of IT were scattered for at least twenty
rods.
The large brick smokestack of the
Stromsburg Roller mills was blown down
and the grandstand In the base ball park
and other damage sustained. The telephone
companies sustained large damages by the
blowing down of several miles of poles
and wire and It will take q week or ten
days before all the lines viii be In working
operation. Some hail accompanied the rain
north and west OF town and did consider
able damage 10 the standing wheat. There
was but very little rain fell here and three
miles east OF town they did not receive a
bi: OF rain. Part OF the coping on the First
National bank building was loosened.
Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922, 1911-06-29
MARK OMGHG-DENVER ROAD
Omaha Automobile Club to Lay Out
Its Share of the Route.
E. H. SPRAGUE TO PAINT POSTS
President of the CIub WIN Hap1le
the Brush Himself between This
City and LOuisviIIe--start
Thursday MOrninE.

The Omaha Automobile club will start out
bright and early Thursday morning, under
the leadership Of Z. H sprague. president
OF the club. to lay out the Omaha-D Denver
automobile road between Omaha and Louis
Vile. This is the stretch Of road that has
been assigned as the part for the Omaha
men to cover and they intend to do all their
work in one day.
The plan Of the Omaha Denver Good
Roads association is 60 paint the posts,
telephone and fence along the line of the
road with broad white band, showing
the driver which way TO travel II tele-
phone posts are not placed in the right
place or may not be easily seen sign posts
will be erected.
Dangerous places. such as sharp turns
and sudden descents will be guarded by the
planting OF sign posts with a red danger
Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922, 1911-06-29
Girl Hur, IN AutomobiIe wreck.

MASON CITY. Ia. June 27.-(special)-
Miss Vera Hamrnett Of Clear Lake was
seriously injured IN the wreck Of an auto
mobile last night. In the auto were three
young women and George johnson. who
was driving the machine. While running
at high speed the auto skidded to one side
Of the street, causing Il 20 turn turtle. The
two young women In the rear seat were
thrown free Of the auto and were not
seriously injured, Miss Hammett. who was
In the front seat with the driver, was
caught beneath the machine and her chest
was quite badly crushed. Two ribs were
broken and there was a slight puncture OF
the lung She was Immediately brought
TO this city and placed IN the City Park
hospital The auto was left by the side Of
the road during the remainder Of the night
and some one stole two tires from the
machine and two rims.