The Washington bee., 1911-01-07

sWear-On. These swear-offs are mer-
curial fellows.
| have often wondered what in
roads the Woman's Temperance
Union Is making on drinking. | am
| quite anxious to receive Mrs Law
sons annual report to find out how
many rum-soaks have climbed up on
the water wagon. | was talking to a
| gentleman the other day whose wife
IS great temperance pusher, and rs
| he poured out his third Green River,
which. by the way, | paid for, too, he
remarked, sort of edifying and elu-
| cidative, You see my wife is a great
| temperance woman, and | certainly
| encourage her all | can in the work. "
asked him, as l Tipped a fifty-cent
piece across the bar to pay for the
three flowing Green Rivers he per-
| m1tted to percolate through his body.
how DO you encourage herr" You
see he said, as he let the red Green
River empty into the gulf of his body,
which happened to be a rather ro-
tund stomach, Il never drink at home,
or have it in the house exposed"
II some of these ladies who are
carrying the temperance banner
around would only organize their hus-
bands and sons into a water brigade
before they attempt to make an
aquarlus out of some of the rest of
us It would look more like consis-
tency, and It might prevent a few
Green Rivers flowing over the Cas-
cade. If there is one thing that jolts
my nervous system it is to have some
woman talk temperance to me whose
husband drinks all the "clucker
water / can buy for him. 1t seems
to me they should put their own house
IN order first before they go doing the
Lucy Thurman jig in front of our
houses. I'm temperance all right. |
keep mine home in a bottle, but I
never take mine home in my BODY,
and so much of it that I make a
Mardi Gras scene, like some of the
sons and bubbles of these w. c.
T. US.
Amt it funny that some slow things
are fast? Now take Will Haynes, for
instance. To see VIII move, and to
hear him talk, you would think him
too slow to keep step to the music of
the Dead March from Saul" or serve
as a pall-bearer for a 35o-pound
corpse. And yet, this same little
sawed-off from the Barbados is as
fast as Barney Oldhelds green dragon.
Now | don't mean he is fast in the
crdIBaTy gaccoP oPkaace .cf tre we'd, hi,t
rather fast as to mental equipment
Why, that brain of his is just like a
French eight-day clock just runs
without winding or regulating. Oh,
he's the candied peppers, let me whs-
per, and over in the Treasury De-
partment, where he draws eighteen
hundred silver certificates each year,
they say he's spring lamb and tele-
phone peas, and up in Alaska that
means "the best yet" Back in the
early part Of this period that Durand
IS now finding how many people
committed race suicide, and before |
had not quite as many mouths to feed
as now, / use to draw three cards
while VIII drew FIVE, and don't you
know that abbreviated Barbadoan
would beat me out Why, he could
discover more kings, queens and ten
spots than Hoyle ever figured as being
in deck And whist! Why, he can
make Foster look like the high priest
in the Dirty Dozen. But if there is
one thing those Barbadoan and ia
maican yellow kids can do, it's play
cards. Down there cards is the same
as base ball to us. Clever little fell
low, that Will Haynes, and always
a gentleman, even when he is angry.
Paraphrasing Jack Bunsby's opinion,
permit me to articulate that VIII
Haynes is a man as is a man.
I had a talk with Louis Gregory
recently, and he sprung that BAHIA
substitute for orthodox religion on
me- Louis has got it down pat, and
it reads and looks fairly good, but
it is awful hard to make anything but
a baptist out of baptist, and so I am
afraid / will have to give this Bahia
religion the count. Somehow or an
other. though, | never could see any
thing in conditions in India and the /
Orient to make their religion, or any
religion that came from such environ /.
ments appeal to me. BAHIA may be a /
wise and clever chap, but if he were
living in this country he never would /
be rated as a 3Oo-hitter Of course
some of these Bahas will say | am
ignorant of the beauties of their creed, /
ard have never studied it. ] confess |
IS much, but the trouble is that this
age is so rapid a man will get LETT on
first sure, if he goes to fooling with !
a lot of dope that was popular just /
before Christ came, or stops to COM
mune with some Acca ex-prisoner
abOut SOt1l-mates etc
But speaking about Gregory, with or
without his chlcroform, which he calls
BAHIA religion, he is a bright article,
and one of the most studious, piOus,
and gentlemanly young men in Wash
ington. 1t takes student like Louis
to get his gray matter tangled UP with !
dope that is musty from age, and
fellow who does not get around with !
one OF Adams lost ribs IS bound to /
take up with some mummified, pre-
historic Dinch-hitter like Budha or
Confucius or a minor Lacquer like
BAHIA. I remember once | got chic
reformed with the late Mrs. Eddy's !
creed, and thought all I had to do to
get well, when / was sick, was TO say
Il amt sick" The more I thought