davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1911-10-11

the august body known as the common
council to go through with IT.
He seems to be agin' the skirt on
general principles. and says that in
case OF fire the lady ushers wouldn't
be able to get through the crowd fast
enough. II he had ever been led down
to seat behind a post, he wouldn't
want to see any kad Of an usher get
through a crowd in the case of fire or
any other panic.
But I do believe that there must be
some m<9e deep-seated reason for his
ordnance Looks to me. as though he
was another one of those guys who
want to cop out some free advertiser.
In the first place, why should he be
so anxious that the ushers get out
through the crowd and save their lives
hrst? Why can't he have a little feelir'
for the audience which has given I'D it's
good hard cash to see the shows7
OF course, l amt so very keen on
the lady ushers, myself. They usually
look as though they ought to be in
sanitortums, and think that they are
mostly friends Of the management. It
looks to me like the kind Of Job YOU
associate with a pension. I much nra-
FER them fresh young pirates who al
ways put you in the wrong seat and
hold out on the programs until you
come through with a nickel.
An Easy Solution
But the more think Of this euy's
resolution. the more feel that I have
the happy and easy solution to tho
girl usher problem"
And whHt is it?'' asked the s. sY,
Well. lie makes his argument that
the girls skirts would impede their
movements when getting through q
crowd. Well. let's do away with the
skirts and let 'em wear tights or knick-
erbockers. II would not only facilitate
action, bit would add to the p.ctur-
sequences of the house. And maybe
the box office wouldn't welcome such
an innovation. Lead me to a press
agent, quick"
The Washington times., 1911-10-11
ACCORDING TO SAMMY

Mersey, 1 almost forgot, sed ma this
moarning aftir pop had went. This is
yure farthfrs BIRTHDAY and Ill han to
get him sumthing to surprise him. Wat
avn erth shall I get him, she sed.
Wv don't you get him awl the handy
he can eet, l sed.
You meen anvil the handy you can eet'
sed ma. I no wat I will get him, she
sed. Seegars. that's the thing.
POPS got a books of seegars, sed.
no he has, sed ma, but thare cheep
looking things and Ill take them down
town with me today and may be by
paying a littil moar muny I can get
them exchanged for surnthing fine
Duz 1t
So ma raped UP the seegsrs and /
went down town with her. and we went
TO a seegar stoar.
saw sum mise looking seegars with
gold bands avn them in the windo, ma
sed to the man. II I give you these
seegars without eny bands. she sed,
how mulch will you charge me for
themi
And the man took pops seegars and
red the riteing avn the books and sed,
as a spechil inducemint, pnadim, and
bekaus It Is you. not ony will 1 not
charge you eny tnlHS' Out WIN 'No
this books OF seegars and give you
the wuns with the gold bands avn
them and 80 sents in the bargin.
That's very Mise of you. I'm sure,
sed ma, and the man sed. not at awl.
and raped up the books of seegars
with the gold bands avn them
Wen we got hoam agen ma fixed the
seegnrs so the gold bands awl showed
and put the books avn the tabil in
the setting room ware pops seegars
was befoar ma took me TO have
them exchanged.
Aftir suppir, pop sed, now for .
smoak, and reetched out to take q
seegar without looking at them, and
wen he felt the gold band, he looked
ut it and sed, hello, who's bin putting
awl this truck in my Sc gar books?
have, sillie, sed ma, Its yure berth
The Washington times., 1911-10-11

TNHE pneumatic tire Is the turkey
buzzard in the ointment Of the
automobile owner. 1t was in
vented about twenty years ago
by a man who thought the Recording
Angel had a sinecure. 1t was a complete
success. Within five years the r. A.
had put nine assistants in the profanity
department, had been compelled to in
stall adding machines and loose-leaf
:edgers, and was working a night shift
right through the summer.
The pneumatic tire is hollow tube
with wind and is fastened to the wheel
with the aid of bolts, nuts, screws, ca
BILE wire, No. ks, and glue 1t makes riding
easier, and it is also a great promoter
of walking. The tire Is made by the
Rubber trust out of gossamer silk,
sDiders webs, anG butterflies wings.
1t is, therefore, nc trick at all to poke
hole in it with a hail, a rock, 0g
bottle. Wren this is done, the impris-
ened air at once rushes forth and min
giles with the surrounding atmosphere
so thoroughly that 1t is almost impossi-
BILE to get Ii back intact.
This occurrence is called a punctuTe.
A bad punCture Is accompanied by a
loud kissing rush OF air On the part
of both the tire and the owner. The
latter, to fix the tire, must remove 1t
with the aid of levels, crowbars, screw
The Washington times., 1911-10-11

AND 10 an energetic can't be beat for free winter meal
by bein allowed speak you
your speech and stuffed your cigars
pocket
There's nothing simpler speeches. As
the advertisements for everything
mobiles say child EN- As long remember
allow thirty seconds without letn
of little heard then teln
Simplest Thing In the World
Spose you've
foown the banquet of the Associated Hose Nozzle Importers The
first thing do stand It's of you and after
home a full you'll to
do if you used Then few Tel[chosen words,
the banquet entirely speak After that it's
be reminded of little Never fail what
you. And make it timely
"The well trimmed whkers the gentleman spoke"
remind of little story You
his
his wife deck the jumped overheard
he turned right
wife
him. don't appear ungateful why you
all that swmmin' shore by yourself?
dear he that self preservation is the first law of
etiquette of banquets for anybody you
whkers reminded of that Belle
should be unmanney enough
explain the ad whiskers
The Washington times., 1911-10-11

only lad Of the ships company who was
right there with bells on when it came
TO making a mash with the fair un-
known.
He had danced every dance with her
up until 2.2O a. m. and they were now
in the midst of the twenty-slxth.
which do you like best, the floor
or the muster" she asked softly, and
Mike was just about to kiss her she'll
like ear when, for the eighteenth time,
he noticed the fearsome face of the
siX-footer glaring at him.
Who is yon?" he asked, in the pecu-
liar slang Of the navy. He has been
making the most frightful faces at me
all evening. Really, / shudder in spite
OF myself. Do you know him?'
'Who?" she replied "Oh, him. Slight
ly. He's my husband. Funny thing
about him. He swore II danced with
any man more than once this evening,
he would snoot him full Of holes when
the clock struck g. But don't be
frightened, he often misses his men,"
After Mike had led her to her seat,
he wondered which would be softer,
three stories from. the rear window or
three from the balcony.
The Washington times., 1911-10-11
Worldly Wisdom
Of Use in Church

The Sunday morning service had been
arranged to the satisfaction of the pas
tor, but the clerk telephoned up that
one or two of the hymns would have
to- be changed.
''rll never have the courage to chalk
those three numbers down on the bulle-
tin board in the order of selection" he
said.
why not?' the pastor asked.
why, just look at the numbers!" said
the clerk, "4-11-44. The congregation
would have a fit
The minister, being wise man, knew
why, and he had substituted hymns
with less suggestive numbers.-New
York Sun. ....
The Washington times., 1911-10-11

day. and got those seegars to sir
prise you. You forgot yure own berth
day, didn't you, deer?
Yes, sed pop, but wares my own see
gars.
1 exchanged them, sed ma, not a
wun of them had a band avn. Look.
she sed, 1t says, Florer finer avn every
band.
So It does, sed pop, kumpleatiy
overlooked that. I don't Suppose thares
a band in the books that don't say,
Florer finer avn it.
No, sed ma, every wun says IT.
l don't think Ill s1noak tonite, sed
pop, I wunt to take this books down
to the orflse and show the felIos be-
foar 1 smoak eny out of it, Wich he
did. and wen he CAIN hoam agen. to-
day. he didn't have the seegars. and
he told ma that big black koon had
held him up, pointing a revolver at him
and awl, and wen the koon saw the
seegars with the gold bands, he was so
glad he didn't evin seartch pops pock-
it's. ony jest grabbed the seegars and
ran like enything.
The Washington times., 1911-10-11

world! Me, q forty dollar per cheapest
suitins tailor, subjected to humiliation
like that!
She came stamping in while 1 was
fitting Mr.. De Purocks. Imagine it,
before my ,est customer! Oh. every
time I think OF It! She had a measly
little half bred black and tan on the
end of a string.
Are you tho taIlor?" she says. Say.
do look like a ships carpenter.
Yes, madam" I says.
"Oh, are your she says. well,
brought Fido in to see you. The little
dear has to have a overcoat for winter,
and my husband says you're the best
tailor in the neighborhoodr
Say, am / foaming at the mouth.
could have stuck my shears in that
animals ribs. could have fed II dyna-
mite. Me, Mr.. Van Styler's tailor. me!
Say II the woman hadn't offered s2S
for the job, I'd have turned it down
quicker than you could say Jack Rob-
inson.
The Washington times., 1911-10-11
Poverty Is Not a Joke

"O"'
Poverty Is Not Joke
Forgive dearI do understand and don't think
make beautiful and can't riches anything but wh
pools dizzy and close
another's hearts and souls.
Perhaps do the real and perhaps,
the real weaithonly the outside glitter
There nstanCe-look how much
Arthur only yesterday when she here, such
" thing biscuit revealed the awful deadness of being rich
shall be ground for jokes
MENACE had the salt and baking
powder the -four she begged and let her watch
The Womanish Things Denied Her
little look her face she spoke so
bowl she thrust her fingers and
rubbed of the butter and last
mixed rolled and baked the biscuits aid
said enthusiast caly that she
Charlie, she her head down the fouy
table and cried
would making biscuits would spoil her
would and things like that and she declared
they had had homesh had been able make
thing for him or for herself
Stranger In the Kitchen
kitchen and laundry, and
admitted she prayed that Charlie might lose his
would be the they would become actually
and wife the real of the wordto share and love
and work together.
l sorry how gowed
vision her of our" future Dear,
70 shall be able be with during the
years should mind little don't,
S. Uncle George mi five dollar gold piece
"house bank" so you see sir, I am rich after all
The Washington times., 1911-10-11
Rivals

Mrs. Knagg-Your promises don't 70
any more. I want some money. Money
talks.
Mr.. Knagg-I know II does, my dear.
That's why don't spring any on you.
didn't think you'd care to meet .
rival ...........- =
The Washington times., 1911-10-11
THE STAGE DOORKEEPER

II see." said the stage-struck youth,
that a Chicago alderman has intro
duced a resolution to do away with
girl ushers in the theaters."
Yep" said the stage doorkeeper. II
read that interestin bit myself. His
argument isn't so very strong. and l
misbelieve that he will be able to get
The Washington times., 1911-10-11
An Eulogy.

A newspaper, in speaking OF de-
ceased citizen, said: I'VE knew him as
old Ten Per Cent-tEe more he mad the
less he spent-the more he got the less
he lent-he's dead--we don't know
where he went, but if his soul to
heaven is sent-he'll own the harp and
charge ,em rent. st. Louis Mirror.
The Washington times., 1911-10-11
Loves Labor Lost.

What's the matter with the base
ball reporter"
"Oh, he had written two columns of
highly embellished slang, and then the
home team lost out in the ninth in
ming. KANSAS City Journal.
The Washington times., 1911-10-11
Off on EyeSiqht.

Atfable Stranger-I beg your pordon,
but isn't this Miss Greenleaf?
The Lady-No: am Miss Redpath.
A. S--Ah, excuse mel / must be
color blind.-Boston Transcript.
The Washington times., 1911-10-11
One of the HoldOVerS.

Travelling Mani wonder II the land
lord doesn't know that it's against the
law to use roller towels now?
Regular Boarder-Oh, yes, he knows
this towel was put up.-Chicago Trib-
The Washington times., 1911-10-11
Coming and Going.

Kidder-Do you write for arts sake
Or for money?
magazines for arts sake and to nv
father for money.-Toledo Blade.
The Washington times., 1911-10-11
The Sailors Ball;
Or, Look Out Below

It was at tine sailors ball. and the
band played all the latest pieces.
Mike Mainmast, the Idaho's hand
some devil Of a lady killer, was the
The Washington times., 1911-10-11
Had No Pull.

There's a man with plenty of push"
s HE doesn't look very successful
He isn't, but he makes an honest
living moving lawns.
The Washington times., 1911-10-11
ALG 7

drivers, derricks, and blasting powder,
and must put a patch on the inner tube.
II is. while persuading the tire 10 get
back ON the rim and become fat and
useful again, that the automobilist uses
the rich, redolent words which clog up
the adding machine in the Recording
Angels office, and has compelled him to
dc away with the girl angels in that
depa rtmcnt.
The Washington times., 1911-10-11
An Array of Models
For HumOr-ArtiStS
ENGLISH JOKE FOR TODAY

An envelope addressed to Miss Presi-
dent, and containing a price list OF
ladies' undertaking. has been deliv-
cred at the officers mess OF the bar
racks, observation-disclosures. Have the
suffragettes captured tho army ?-The
Pink I'm.
The Washington times., 1911-10-11
Our Tailor Says,
'Doggone It All"

I'm still so mad about 1t I cut my
niger every time think Of II. Picture
It, mel A man that's cut clothes for
some Of the SWEETEST dressers in the
The Washington times., 1911-10-11
NJ A ME TELLS BE L L E
That Anybody Can Make
An After Dinner Speech
IT'S AS EASY AS 1T LOOKS

YER skip the newspaper accounts, Belle, of
the after dinner speeches at the annual dinner O
the Amalgamated Mangle Makers or the seventy
eighth reunion banquet o the forty-second class
O the College for the More Less Insane?
The time is almost with again when the
professional after-dnner dress shirtsl begin to get
their annual free supply of eats. They've been tun-
ing up for month probly, draggin' old joke books
off the shelf and maxim faces at themselves in the
mirror.
Maxim after dinner speeches, Belle, is almost
as easy as it looks. Correspondence schools guar
antee TO teach II in three Lessons ooataoe
The Washington times., 1911-10-11
A Business Head

His wife Is business woman all
right
What makes you say that7'
She's installed a time clock In the
hail and he has to punch 1t when he
goes out nights and when he gets
back"
The Washington times., 1911-10-11

EAR: Did you your letter to be bitter,
it just that you were tired from playing
your mans role of work? l rather think it was
the latter, and my heart went out to you, dear, at
your human bit of railing against fate at the
deadly monotony of "drudging for a salary" But
it brought too, vision of the years not so very
far distant, when perhaps with the practical use
of my theories of economy we may have enough
to let you venture out in your own business craft
Can't you dream that dream, dear2 Can't you
plan for it and find it SO big that you can
days? I won't say anything about mysef-the
The Washington times., 1911-10-11
Vest Pocket ESSAYS
Drawn for The Washington Times.

T$HE pneumatic tire is the turkey
buzzard in the ointment Of the
i automobile owner. 1t was in
The Washington times., 1911-10-11

your little deep-bu if you think
worth saving fo-if you think that you would raher-no
write it
Fergus County Democrat. [volume] (Lewistown, Mont.) 1904-1919, 1911-03-14
Commercial Club Meeting.

At meeting OF the directors OF
the commercial club, held last Friday
afternoon, at the office of Secretary
Mathews, it was decided to get out
an edition of ten to twenty thousand
attractive booklets advertising Lewis
town just as quickly as the necessary
data can be gathered Secretary Ma
thews is now busy getting subscr'p-
tions to the fund for the expenses
of the commercial club during the
coming year and has, thus far, met
with even greater success. than ne
anticipated, number of those VINO
subscribed most literally last year
having voluntarily increased their
subscriptions. All residents of Lew
istown now recognize the value OF. a
live organization of this sort in the
upbuilding OF the city and for this
reason are willing to lend generous
aid when called upon.
Fergus County Democrat. [volume] (Lewistown, Mont.) 1904-1919, 1911-03-14
REACHING A SETTLEMENT.
Officials of Fergus and Musselshell
in Session Here Today.

Commis ssioners Llein, Neace ana
Jennizen, County Attorney O'Neill
and Deputy Clerk and Recorder
Carleton, OF Musselshell county, ar
rived in the city last night and today
are busy with the three Fergus coun-
ty commissioners and Judge Cheadle
in reaching an agreement as to a
proper division Of money and prop
erty. this action being made neces-
sary by the creation of the new coun-
ty from a portion Of Fergus. Judge.
Cheadle had the matter pretty well
figured out before the Musselshell
county officials arrived. so that it Is
more a matter OF routine than any
thing else.
The figures were not available al
the time of going to press, but the
belief OF those who are busy on the
task is that when the proper debit:
and credits are struck there is likely
to be few thousand dollars due Mus
selshell from Fergus.
| When the new county official
finish here they have yet to go t.
Billings and White Sulphur Spring
on similar errands.
Fergus County Democrat. [volume] (Lewistown, Mont.) 1904-1919, 1911-03-14
Ballinger Throws Up Sponge.

Under a Washington, ID. G., date
line OF Wednesday was flashed forth
TO a grateful nation the long-looked-
for intelligence that Richard Achilles
Ballinger, secretary of the interior
department since the beginning OF
the Taft administration, has finally
pried himself loose from his job.
Balinger has been under FIRE OF the
ierccst sort ever since he was APP
pointed and his official conduct was
the cause of an investigation by
congressional committee, the majority
report of which was palpable
whitewash. Ballinger's letter OF
resignation was written January Is,
but was not made public, at the re-
quest of the president. In his let
ter, the secretary stated that he quits
as the result of i'll health and broken
fortune. the former having been
brought about by worries incident to
"unscrupulous conspiracies" and the
latter bv the necessity of expending
$4,000 in his defense before the in
vestigating committee. In accepting
the resignation. President Taft ex..
tolls the retiring cabinet officer and
refers to him as an efficient. honest,
self-sacrihcing public servant. Wal
ter l.. Fisher. a conservationist OF the
Pinchot school. was appointed to sue
lceed Rallngcr. Fisher halls from
lChicago.
Fergus County Democrat. [volume] (Lewistown, Mont.) 1904-1919, 1911-03-14
COMMISSIONERS WORK
ON ROAD PETITIONS
MARCH SESSION BUSY FOR
FOR THE COUNTY
BOARD.

The board of county commission
crs. who have been in session ever
since last Monday. have been kept
busy getting rid OF the large amount
OF work which has accumulated since
the last regular session. which was
held in December. Among other
things, they have had to pass upon
a large number of petitions for new
roads. which are desired III almost
every section OF the county.
The question of providing roads
for the numerous sections OF the
county. which have been settled up
within the past two years. is one OF
the most serious that confronts the
board of county commissioners. They
are desirous OF giving people sood
roads just as quickly as it i, possible
to do so, but, in many instances, !
is physically impossible to take th'
Fergus County Democrat. [volume] (Lewistown, Mont.) 1904-1919, 1911-03-14
VOTE Of TODAY
Will BE Light
Comparatively Little Interest Being
Taken by Electors in Water
works Bond Issue.
WILL PROBABLY CARRY
General Impression That Proposition
Will Meet With Approval by
Decisive Majority.

Considering its Importance to the
city, comparatively slight interest is
being manifested today in the special
election which is in progress to de-
termine whether or not the city of
Lewistown shall be bonded for an ad-
ditional one hundred thousand dollars
for the purpose of rebuilding the
water system. The registration was
light, only about one hundred fifty
of the four or five hundred qualified
electors taking the trouble to get
their names on the books.
Expect Bonds to Garry.
It is the general opinion that the
proposition to bond the city will
carry by substantial majority. There
is some opposition, but the general
sentiment is in favor of the rebuilding
Of the present inadequate system, and
it is realized that bonding now offers
about the only possible solution Of
the proposition.
OF Great Importance.
In reality, the special election to-
day is as important as any ever held
in Lewistown since the city was in
corporated. Not only does it mean
that Lewistown shall be given first
class water system for general pur-
poses, but also that the danger from
disastrous fire loss will be obviated.
The iron pipes, which are to replace
the wooden mains, will give Lewis
town water system second to none
in the country. 1t will be permanent,
always in working order and save the
city an immense expense, WHICH has has
haan necassaru d,.r;.-o .nS Fo'' ~
| or three years by reason OF numerous
broken and leaking mains. 1t Will
mean that the streets will not be con
tinually torn up by workmen making
repairs and relieve the unpleasan,
notoriety of having graves" scattered
along Main street and other mos
used thoroughfares of the city.
Will Employ Many Men. :,
| The rebuilding Of the system vii
mean. further, the steady employment
of a large number of men by the cit.
in making the change from Woodel
to iron pipes throughout the next tel
months. A very large proportion
the money received from the sale o
the bonds will be spent right here i
the CITY, tHus ulieS'iy
the property owners who, IN the ION
run, will have to pay the bonds 10
their outlay. =,
The voting is in progress at tn
Farmers Institute room in the hrs
ward, at the opera house III the se'
ond and at the city hall in the thlr'
The judges and clerks OF election al
as follows: -,
First Ward-Judges, G. w. Ande
son, R. B. Thompson, J. J Dobso
Clerks, Os. Lehman and T.. q. Wo
den
Second Ward-Judges, c. B. Nobl
Jos. Mason, Thos. Vehawn. Clerk
l John Sweeney and Matt Regan.
Third Ward-Judges, Phil La.l
Chas, Wentworth, N. ]. Littlejoh
= Clerks, All. Wilson and w. A. Seama