davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1911-08-09
Our Grocery Clerk
SAYS, Have a Fig

The boss speculated in two dozen
boxes of figs at a venture, and when
n was too late he saw that he
shouldn't have ventured. AS figs the
things were right there. all right. but
the boss Just struck one of those sea-
cons when customers don't seem to
care for figs. A fig for them. see?
Rotten, 1 admit it.
But the boss found a way. It's the
boss speciality. He happened to come
across an article in a newspaper by
some high brow professor, telling all
about how figs cure anything from a
pain in the back TO a bloody nose.
And what does his honor, the boss, dc
but put the paper on the counter all
folded so the article on figs was the
most conspicuous.
You know h"w women will pick up
stray newspapers and read 'em. Well,
that's the way II went with this orc,
and after that fig article met their
eyes, 1t was a cinch. Heigh no hum!
The Washington times., 1911-08-09

befoar she gave pop his dinner, avn
akkount of the ministir beeing a gest,
and the mfnistir got both drum sticks,
insted Of me getting l of them, wich
l genrilly do. Evin If he Is min
istir and sings Wen he tawks. 1 don't
see wy he has to have drum sticks
Aftir a vile looked at pop and pop
scanned to be enjoying his dinner awI
rite. insted of going TO sleep. witch he
Sed he did wenevir the minister tawked.
Yo aint going to sleep. pop. sed.
Sertenly Not
OF korse I'm not, sed pop. Who Oh
erth sed was, and the ministir sed,
Deer littil man. Meaning me.
Well, l sed, you sed the ministir all
ways maid you go to sleep when he
tawked. You told ma that, sed. wich
he did.
Leeve the room at onse. sed pop,
very loud. The ideer, he sed. sutch
uttir falshoods.
Let him stay, sed the ministir. hes
jest joaking. But the minister looked
pritty mad awl rite. and aftir he went,
pop sed. was going to chastize you,
Sammy, but its a sick wind that don't
blow enyboddy eny good, and the min
istir probibly wont KUN to dinnir eny
moar. so I won't chastize you. And he
dident
The Washington times., 1911-08-09
Reddy Smith on the
Outside Happy Man

Did WI noterce de man dat jes' passed.
Jimmie? De slender feller wild de hlsn
forehead? Sure. dat's de feller!
Yu see. Jimmie. he's uh man dat mas
gone up de ladder by steps. He started
right down at de bottom an started tu
climb, an kept right on cimoin' ull
now he's got one Nv de bes' Jobs uh-
roun' here.
But. dere's sumpin' peculiar uhoout
him. Jimmie. When he's uhway rum
home he's happy as uh lark, but when
he's in his own house he's arrays SAD
an gloomy. I uster wonder why DAT
wus so an de udder day I hears two
fellers talkin'.
He marries when he's young an
brings up uh family. His wife wus uh
good woman, but she didn't have de tact
tu advance like him. She wus arrays
too familiar wild all hur friends an
some NV dem he didn't like. She got
tu joinin' clubs an doin' hospital wurK
an leavin' de children wild hur mudder.
She starts buyin' uh lot Nv stun AT de,
partment stores an has 1t cnarseo
tn him. Den she tries tn keep de Dliis
fr,,m him. an all de time deir getun
larger an larger. -.
We'll. every time he comes nome at
night. lookin' fur peace an rest oeie
wis nh bill waitin' fur him. An OATS
da wav, IT'S been fur uh long time an
he cant turn widout meetin sum one
dat she owes money tu. tho he don't
owe uh cent in de woild.
pats de reason, Jimmie, why he
aravs is happy outside an gloomy at
home, an don't blame him!
The Washington times., 1911-08-09

the shiny face her mahogany table filed her wey soul with
partook of the the ruthless the Gohs and
q" broken piece of her cherished Havand china
For Tommy with an nhenf es2iessns sSy that sboutey
0eheS ] Wis W snro 6 To5tS to TSon b h ~ be-. window
eHan & by pushing - them Zen behind the folding shutters convenient
@ 9d % sn d Bsnfed @ I eo i1d % table
couch pillows and conenceess destroyed her treasured hand
Momentary Contriion
Pos energetic protests against the results Of his carelessness
aggravang replies unmportane such
e M Glass tommy @ M Afn n Polly would @ say G yGuye | left your wv wet lemon
Do ' our word @ o Tommy
on Tommy how could yQumy very best cntepieee and
would contrie that's bad; honest really didn't
have house & you keep o" we
iy d Sit :.n @ s to- @ s @ bD that ~sy Sg @
such satisfactory Mrs Allen would have console her
Then The @ f5nf G & spk and
Ak that
s the Rs3f8S B0 @ s s @ b5 eoss and the replacing
Tommy, His Deg and Cane
sGmRj;hins 5 the Lick; On dining ts5Is
the dining also Tommy his dog and o" oven en-
M S Alien ef ps3 6 dog B nF o5S 5 5
dog The first thing you know yop break something Tommy
but no time was LEFT left for an Inwe @ for at that instant Sport
% hd % 6s ded her With ommy
p cm pued do~n beRnd d
e5 5 vdS a d on s omv m & tell Of vs % @ aTw
Sport by his Polly displaced from throne
table revealed debris What
demanded she Only said Tommy the empty jar
kept the powder for the cut glass.
Oh Polly Allen, look there and Tommy pointed where
the folds the
from which tubed meerschaum with broken bowl Polly
oh,
from ladder pipe
too Tommy, I've had for years Tommy
say anything break again.
A Confidential Chat
that ing S ennped o tbe the % d Old Id LAZY d M had
we're going do it, Understand when
thoroughly and we're
going your wife confess that pipe
ourselves early this morning"
do you think of hat? said to the Little Lady
when she through Aren't they foxy reatures" Him. said
they are"
The Washington times., 1911-08-09

of r1ce was in readiness. For It was to
be a large wedding
But where was the groom? He hadn't
NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS. up,
where is the groom?" they asked
Of the embarrassed bride. He was In
vted, wasn't he?"
Yes" replied the bride, 1T was to
have been his wedding. too. 1 don't un-
derstand it. It's peculiar, odd. funny"
The minister. growing tired of wait
ing, lighted his pipe. and the guests
began to yawn. The groom was now
two hours late. At fashionable weddings
1t is a poor groom who is more than an
hour late. Poor groom!
All. a messenger! A telegraph from
the brides twin sister! 1t read. Dean
twin, great joke. Groom met me,
thought was you, proposed an elope-
ment to avoid bother Of wedding, AID I
eloped. We are now married. Excuse
penmanship.''
The bride smiled, and when the guests
were shown the telegram. they smiled
too. It was too funny!
The Washington times., 1911-08-09

it. He says it's the worst Of any Of
the varieties of the place-I-can't-men-
se-you're-a-lady that he has
ever experienced. He thinks the awful
ness of 1t is partly because Of the con-
trast with the Joy It might be. And he
brought out a point that struck me as
a good one. He says he did not put up
any particular bluff in his courting
days.
He acknowledges that he was on
, his good behavior most Of the time; but
1t was because 1t was so easy and
pleasant to be agreeable when a girl
appreciated all Of his efforts. Now, he
says he never seems to do the right
thing even If it's the thing he did dozens
or times before marriage and always
got good mark in return. I never
saw such befuddled man as he is. He
says there isn't any sane commonsense
IN woman when marriage peels of the
bluff she Is putting up
Lovers and Husbands
"Umph! that's interesting, at lea-t 1
have heard so many wives say that
lovers and husbands are two different
kinds of men. They tell me that is the
reason there is so much trouble" 1 re-
marked.
Settle 1t for yourself. Who does the
most pr1mping, who changes her ways
most, who acts a part, the man or the
girl? You know the tricks your sex
play. Have you seen men making any
very radical changes to please girls
They do not. Life is established with
them: and they present themselves
pretty much as they are. And the girl
makes each one think that just as he
is. he is what she likes. I tell you it's
the girl who plays the chameleon role!
You take it from me that If q girl
would be satisfied with what she knows
the man is he wouldn't be such blank
The Washington times., 1911-08-09
Loretta's Looking Glass
xtrT IS hard to catch!"shhe bach
elor exclaimed when, in a phil
Drawn for The Washington Times.

ttrT IS hard to catch!"shhe bach
elor exclaimed when, in phil
osophical mood, he met me.
What? The man?" I asked.
No, the whole proposition. You
think you have got a line on 1t when
suddenly the whole thing slips and
you know 1t can't be handled that
way. No. we were talking, you know,
about one point"
(which was the man'sw I inter-
rupted. Just let me give you a little
Of the woman's point Of view"
"Certainly-of course-I don't mean
TO appropriate the whole of the jelly
fish for my SEX" he said, with an
bored.
II think men ought to feel rather
proud that girls WANT THEM TO BE
IDEALS" I said.
Squeegeed Views
A plying look travelled slowly over
his countenance. 1t said more plainly
than words that 1 was another one of
the feminine creatures with the
sQueegeed views.
1T is nice of them!' he said with a
fine edge Of sarcasm shining through
his words. It's awfully kind Of a
farmer to want an onion to be a potato
probably. He thinks he sees some fine
large potato possibilities in the onion.
Perhaps, he thinks he can eliminate
the smell and secure the eyes for the
poor vegetable. He may work at it.
But even he let's the process be a slow
one. However, he does not succeed.
The onion remains an onion though not
a very good onion, as he has messed
and mixed it up SO that 1t can't be
itself and doesn't know how to be any
thing else"
You mean that an onions an, onion,
and mans a man.
Precisely. I don't know how the
The Washington times., 1911-08-09
Light Diversions
For Heavy Winds
ENGLISH JOKE FOR TODAY

In the saloon of the Kronprinz VIII
helm, crossing the Atlantic, there was
disposition to cold-shoulder johnson,
the chocolate slugger.
IA nebbah see sich a bunch o.
grouches," said Mr.. Johnson, alluding
to the incident. why. sar, dey'd ha'
drawn the color line on red and blue
Eastah eggs!''-The Pink 'Un.
The Washington times., 1911-08-09

don't anybody e
long they're all happy about they can't breathe straight
what's the diff renee, anyhow? -
mind, Belle, understand the noble
game happy though So got
porn edition from Bill started educate myself started
place marked, "Score by innings
Tangled From the Very Start
Goodness "did you
Chambers first And such small too! should think
anything like that happened they'd it big capitals
spread all the first Isn't awful Bl' DO
think the heat"
NO." says Bill 81 think it the first baseman"
Mercy, Bir You dont-you don't he killed him.
NO Bill "He him touched him with the ball.
you're see? And the playful spoin writers call dyin'
"Oh, now, but just think if the mans wife
without understandn the foreign language BASEBALL
Here's a threebagger Bill thought you hit
thing but the ball"
about half hour of it, Belle, decided wasn't
leann the anyhow learn talk
over again, excuse me-
The Washington times., 1911-08-09
A Camera of
Good Films
HER GRIEVANCE

Mamma" said little Ethel, with a
discouraged look on her face, II amt
going to school any more"
Why, my dearie. what's the mat
terri the mother gently inquired.
Cause 1t amt no use at all. I can
never learn to spell. The teacher keeps
changing the words on me all The
time"
The Washington times., 1911-08-09
she HOLDS IT UP TO THE
Jelly Fish Matrimonial Question

onion feels when the farmer begins to
improve it. But can give you an ex-
ample of how a man feels when his
wife begins to make him over"
'Well-the example. please"
It's our mutual friend, Davy Dis
appointed. He told me to stay out Of
The Washington times., 1911-08-09
With Emphasis

Mistress Chastity sticking a finger
into either ear)-Kittie, for heavens
sakeI what does that frightful noise
and profanity in the kitchen mean?
kttie-Oh, that's nothIn', ma'am!
It's on'y cook rejectin' a propos'l av
marrij from the ashmanI
The Washington times., 1911-08-09
simultaneously

"Oh, what a shamel I am mex
pressibly, shocked to hear it And
how soon after your marriage did he
begin to display the cloven hoof7"
why, at about the same time he
began to cultivate the cloven breath. "
The Washington times., 1911-08-09
Was Long Enough

Mrs. Biffers docking up from the
paper)-Of all things. A couple who
have lived together for sixty years
have applied for a divorce.
Mr.. Biffers-My, my! Sixty years!
don't wonder.
The Washington times., 1911-08-09
A Randape

Little willie-Say. pa, why is Jus
tice always blindfolded?
Pa-Because she is forever getting a
black eve, my son.
The Washington times., 1911-08-09
A Twin For a Twin;
Or, Dear Sister!

Everything was prepared for the we'd
ding. The bride had on her veil and her
pink suede shoes and eighteen pounds
The Washington times., 1911-08-09
At the Ball Game

You were absent yesterday on &C.
count Of sickness?"
II was"
Were you really sick?"
We'll. was pretty sick along about
the sixth inning"
The Washington times., 1911-08-09
NJ a m / e
-=TELLS=
B e IL e
The Language
Of Baseball Is
Queer

MADE up my mind the other day that goin'
to understand baseball, Belle. I've changed it
since, but the other day l decided to understand
just why the national game makes more men crazy
in six months than drink does in six million years
thought if could on'y really get to under
stand the thing might be able to get crazy about
it, too, and there's greater satisfaction in lie,
Belle, than bein' crazy about somepin' that about
a hundred million other people crazy about, too.
The man that's crazy on subject all by him
self is to be pited, because everybody knows he's
crazy when it's solo act, but when half the
The Washington times., 1911-08-09
ventures
--IN--
Married Life
Concerning the
Foxy
Tommy Allen

1E ordinary mans sublime disregard for his wifes
pride in the furnishings of her home" said the
Little Old Lady, will always be considered a
masculine failing by the feminine factors of the
marriage equation
"An accident robbed this fault of its power to
create havoc in the wfely peace of mind of the
Tommy Allen household, and, incidentally, prop
ery imbued Mrs Allen with disregard for some
OF Tommy's subsequent errors along the same line
Polly Allen" continued the Little Old Lady,
"is a most careful housekeeper. Her enthusiastic
zeal in the management of the house was most
The Washington times., 1911-08-09
Pessimistic

Pessimistic
Shad is much like marriage"
%"In what wayr
Both are fine institutions, but
sometimes I wonder IL either Is worth
the trouble"
The Prescott daily news., 1911-12-18

The heart of the new revenue measure now before the people for their approval or rejection is con tained In the following sections:
 Section 15 provides that: "The owner shall, if the assessor demands it. fix the value of timber on any tract of land, also the value of any mines, minerals, fossils. Quarries, springs, or anything else on the land that gives it a special value"
 There are about 15,000,000 acres of tFsAer and mineral lands in the state uf whose timber or mineral value every one is ignorant except the own CTS The owners have estimates made by expert engineers of every foot of timber every ton of coal. and of every other mineral on or under every acre of land that they own. They bought the lands on these estimates and are receiving dividends on their investments accordingly. either by the operation of mills or mines on the land itself, or by the rapid and con stant increase in the value of the lands. But they have been refusing to give the value of either the tim Der or the minerals to the tax assess ors. There is no law to force them to do it and the assessors as a rule have been assessing such lands at about what they would be worth for agricultural purposes only. An eQult- able assessment of this propertf would within itself make a vast in crease in the states revenue.
 The following sections need no com ment. as every taxpayer will undor stand the justice and importance o' each of them:
 "Section 16. Every merchant sha' make and file with the assessor list in which he shall set forth distinctly.
 "1 The average value of merchan. disc carried during the vear fmm 'dN N ately preceding the fist d9v or t"N- ruarv of the year in which the ae se90- ment is made: if he has not been I" business for year then he Shal mako the average value during such time that he has been so engaged it he te commencirG business then he shall take the value of the merchan- diee in stock at the time for assess ment No deduction shall be allowed because any part of the good carried have not been paid for. All goods carried on consignment shall be in cluded.
 "2. The value of credits as defined In paragraph 13. section 5, hereof. be- longing to him and pertaining to said business on the first day of February of the year for which the assessment was made.
 "3. The value of furniture and nx- lures reed in said buhiness.
 "a Tho vnlue of money, including bart dr-ogits or deposits with other
The Prescott daily news., 1911-12-18

merchants in or out of the state on February 1st.
 "1. The value of all horses, mules and other live stock used in said mercantile business.
 "6. The value of all personal prop ertv. not falling within the class of one of above items. employed in said mercantile business"
 Section IF. Every person or com pany engaged in the business of re- ceiving property in pledge, or as SC urity for money or anything advanced to pawner or pledgor, or as security for money or any other thing ad vanced to pawner or pledgor, shall annually at the time by this act pre- scribed for the assessment of per s0nal property, return, under oath, all property pledged to and held by him Cs pawrhroler, to the assessor of the propert county who shall list ana aegOss the same to such pawnbroker at its trio and full value. Pawn hrotors sNall make returns upon the lis'e Nreecribed by law for mer- c1.~v+r ?"
 "7"o'ion tS Fverv person engaged in +'0 ~-a01fo c+vr'~g business shall wrr0 ond f', vith the assessor a list in which ho 7Nall distinctly set forth:
 "1. Ayeroce value Of all materials purchased received or otherwise held for the purpose of being used in any process of manufacture. Said average shall for the year immediately pre-. ceding the first day of February of the year for which the assessment is made
 "2. The average value of all finish. ed products carried the year i'm. mediately preceding the first day of February for the year the assessment is made.
 "3. The value of all engines. boil CTS and other machinery. implements
  business on hand the first day of February.
 A. The value of credits, as de- fined by paragraph 13 section 5, here of, carried on the books of said manu- featuring business the first day of February the year the assessment is made.
 "5. The value of money on hand or deposited in banks or with other persons in or out of the state on the first of February
 "6. The value of office furniture and fixtures and such other furniture and fixtures as may belong to the business.
 "7. The value of live stock belong. ing to said business or being used therein.
 'S. The value of all wagons. carts, or other vehicles used in said busi. ness or belonging to it.
 @. The value of all other personal property not falling within either of the above classes being used in said business"
 Section 19. Every lawyer, physi- elan. dentist, veterinary surgeon, archi- tect. abstractor of titles, contractor of any kind, or civil engineer of any kind shall make and file with the as sessor a return wherein he shall set forth distinctly:
 q. The value of all books on hand
 70. The value of all instruments of every kind belonging to him
 "3. The value of all office furni ture.
 A. The value of all horses, mules and live stock and vehicles of all
The Prescott daily news., 1911-12-18
GOV. GEO. W. DONACKFY'S
 STAND ON "TEE-JAY" BILL

Chief Executive Gives a Synopsis of the Turner Jacobson Bill, Wherein He Either Quotes Verbatim or Explains Fully Every Section That Will Affect the Present Status of the Taxpayer.
The Prescott daily news., 1911-12-18
MONEY ELEMENT WOULD HAVE TO STAND SHAR|

Present System of Taxation Based on Old Conditions When Citizenship Consisted Mostly of Farming People, and New Methods Should Be Used to
 Equaize the Burden of
 Revenue.
Evening times-Republican. [volume] (Marshalltown, Iowa) 1890-1923, 1911-08-25

-
take them to st. Louis and then to the
old home OF the groom at Greenviile. 9.
c. The bride Is graduate Of Iowa
College in this city and has taken post
graduate work in Chicago University.
The groom IL graduate of Richmond
College in Virginia. with post graduate
work in Johns Hopkins and Chicago
universities. He is now professor OF
English in the state normal school at
Warrensburg. Mo-. where they will be
at home after Sept. II.
Another wedding enlisting wide-
spread interest took place at noon yes
terday at the home Of Mr. and Mrs.
Ryan in Jefferson township, where Miss
Florence Ryan and Mr. Ernest Her were
made husband and wife, by the min
istrations Of Pastor H. F. Gilbert, of
the Methodist church Of Montezuma.
Mr.. Her has been superintendent of the
Montezuma schools for the past year
and his bride OF today came to Mon
tezuma as teacher in those schools at
the beginning OF the past year. Their
home will be in the county seat where
the groom will continue as superin-
tendent
Evening times-Republican. [volume] (Marshalltown, Iowa) 1890-1923, 1911-08-25
CARRIES BULLET IN LEG.
william Morris, Shot by Northwestern
conductor Still in AosnitaI

William Morris, Shot by Northwestern
Conductor, Still in Hospital.
Cedar Rapids Aug. 25.-William
Norris will always. carry the bullet
with which he was shot by Conductor
Hall during the unique performance on
Northwestern passenger train. the
Los Angeles Limited, at Belle PLANE.
July 16. The bullet was located yester-
day thru an X-Ray photograph at St.
Luke's hospital. 1t is in the upper thigh
Of Morris leg. and there is no danger
that it will cause him any trouble
Morris also will carry aluminium
wires in the leg. These were used to
bind the fragments Of bone which were
broken by the bullet. The best feature
is that Morris will not be crippled, for
the leg is in good condition.
Morris was riding the roof Of the Los
Angeles Limited, and while trying to
get down. fell thru the window of the
car. Having been starved for three
weeks, and having drunk some whisky
which a tramp gave him, he did not
know what he was doing, according to
his story. After falling into the coach,
he took cheap stick pin from the
necktie of passenger. and started to
leave the coach.
Conductor Hall and some of the pas
sengers cornered him on the platform
and while he was hanging from the
platform steps. afraid to jump because
OF the speed of the train and in a posi-
ton which made 1t dangerous for the
conductor and passengers to get hold
of him, the conductor fired at him.
Evening times-Republican. [volume] (Marshalltown, Iowa) 1890-1923, 1911-08-25
!. c. CROP REPORT.
Bumper Yisld Of Corn Along Lines in
0axAa

iowa.
Waterloo. Aug. 25.-According to all
the advices received from the stations
in this division Of the Illinois Central
railroad. there should be bumper
crop Of corn. There are but few
places where the storms have been
severe enough to cause any damage
and even in those places 1t has merely
knocked the corn over SO that 1t will be
difficult to harvest 1t. but will not spoil
Its quantity or quality. A little more
hot weather is needed before the
frost comes. but that is expected, and
this year Iowa should have a crop
Of corn that has not been equailed for
some time.
The large amount Of rain that has
fallen this month has damaged the
small grains. OF course most of it
had been cut and shocked. but that
is why the rain caused the damage.
1t has wet the stocks SO that the
grain Is either growing or rotting and
this will cut down the crop about 10
per cent Many Of the farmers are
pulling down the stacks and giving
the grain a chance to dry out. This
wetness has caused threshing to be
delayed everywhere and it will he
some time before ali the grain is
threshed.
The pastures are in excellent shape
and while the grass is not long it is
plentiful. Cattle have excellent for