davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922, 1911-05-27
Who's Who in the Home

'Hows the gardenY" inquired the Con-
firmed Commuter as he entered his sub
urban home.
The Hopeful Housewife smiled rather
YEARLY. For several weeks a fury of plant
ing had possessed her and in every avail
able corner of the broken ground of their
yard, slips, bulbs and newly risen seed
lings bore testimony to her horticultural
zeal
But something evidently had pricked the
balloon of her hopes.
Il don't believe I can work in the gar
den any more" she said dejectedly
whats the use OF having flowers II you
have to look at them behind a net? Just
see my face and arms, They don't have
mosquitoes out here! All the natives are
quite right when they tell you so! They
have flying prehistoric mammoths! When
/ saw the herd that attacked me when /
went out to water the rose bushes l won
dered the collie. didn't try TO round them
up! Why. the very smallest were as big
as Sheep
Nonsense" exclaimed the Confirmed
Commuter with noticeable emphasis.
You've been reading too many cold stor-
age jokes! The mosquito is a perfectly
harmless insect unless 1t is attacked. or
thinks II IS about TO be attacked. Like the
4
strictly TO its own business II let alone"
That's al very well as q theory" re-
Joined the Hopeful Housewife, but what
Is the mosquitoes business except TO bite
people? Besides I've been bitten! I went
out 10 water the flowers after the sun went
down, but they drove me into the house In
five minutes. My face is a sight. I had
heard about the sWiftness Of Jersey justice
and Jersey lightning before We moved
down here, but the Jersey mosquito travels
faster than light I believe that Is a
streak of lightning and one OF those mos
autos in our yard started for the same
person at the same time, the person would
have ample time 10 scratch himself before
he died."
"Oh. come now" protested the Confirmed
Commuter mildly. a mosquito is an ex-
teptional thing down here. All the oldest
Inhabitants say So"
"Of course they say so" his wife scorn-
fully rejoined. Don't they all own prop
srty around here and don't many OF them
want 10 SELF But met one OF the neigh
bors today and he told me he was going
10 move. He seemed so pleased I asked
Ehy, and he said: Because It's the hottest
place on earth in summer and there are
I million mosquitoes 10 the square inchg q"
oh well. he had a Crouch. I suppose"
Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922, 1911-05-27
Serious History in Comic Vein F 4s"rn n9"es

III the Hessians introduced the noble
game Of pinochle into America, as I was
telling you the other day" said Show Me
Smith, plain and fancy historian. you've
got TO give II to the Dutch for organizing
the first bowling team and starting a
string OF alleys from Third avenue TO the
Barbary coast
AS near as ] can make II out the first
bowling alley IN little old New York was
down around the Battery in a place called
Bowling Green. All the ten strikes these
days are made a few blocks further up
broadway at place called wall street
We'll, the first alley was run at one
time by a Dutchman named Pete Pete
had wooden leg. and / suppose they
called him One Pin Pete From what l
hear tell of him, though, they must have
called him that mostly when he wasn't
looking, for Pete ran the alleys and the
rest OF the town himself
AN the town meetings were held in
Pete's alleys and at conventions Pete let
the rest Of the crowd bowl while he fixed
mp the slate. He was elected head con-
stable 90 often the Bowling Club forgot
to keep track of the number Of times.
Pete was leader in his own district.
which was up in the Bowery somewhere.
and all the chowder parties always went
down to Pete's bowling alleys. They were
afraid not to, for Pete had a fierce tenn
per. He was captain Of his team and he
didn't believe the team lived that could
beat 'em.
"Petes team taught the Injuns TO bowl
and then won everything they had, includ-
Ing Williamsburg and parts of Flatbush.
None Of the Harlem clubs could beat 'em
and Pete had 1t all his own way until one
day an English team shows up at the
alleys and challenged all corners for the
Championship OF Manhattan.
Peter is tckled to death at the chance
of showing up the chesty invaders and ar
ranges a fine tournament with the whole
town out to look on.
After they had bowled a few frames
and the Englishmen appeared to be having
the best of it, Peter grows suspicious, says
the pin boy is careless and allows that
hen set up the pins himself in order to
avoid trouble. So Peter proceeds to set
Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922, 1911-05-27
Odious Taxation

One Of the most absurd and tyrannical
measures Of taxation ever imposed upon a
people was that ordered by the duke Of
Alva, prominent In the history Of Spain
up TO 1882. when he died.
For six years he was governor general
OF the Netherlands. and levied a tax called
the tenth penny" or 10 per cent upon
every article OF merchandise, 20 be paid
as often as II should be sold. He assessed
real and personal property / per cent. 10
be paid Instantly and collected once, and
on every transfer Of realty he exactsd 8
per cent.
Every one in the land, excepting AIva
Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922, 1911-05-27

up the pins, planting his wooden toe firmly
in front OF the first pin Just as the cap
tain Of the English team starts 10 bowl
The captain is little near sighted and
squirting down the alley at Petes wooden
leg. he let's fly.
When they picked Peter out from among
the ten pins his Dutch was up TO 212 de-
grees, but the English captain said:
Another strike. We win
Strike nothing roared Peter. That
was my wooden leg
MY word. was 10? said the English
man. I thought 1t was pin. Wen, my
good fellow, then it was a pin on you. You
lose
And Pete did"
Copyright, 1911 by the N Y Herald Coz
Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922, 1911-05-27

Name ddress,
Brnes 1920 south Eighteenth St castelar,
Jack D. Beacon 256s Jones Mason 1902
Beatrice Buckley, 1424 sherman Sacred Heart 1902
William Beachler 1891 Fowler 1905
May H. Bqut 17S1 Van Camp s...'..... High ....Ss5
Willie Barbe 25lS Webster Miller Park 1903
Helen l. Coon 1924 Crosby Lake
.......19O5
A nss' D San'S ss s Pratt SuE s & Nm
LOnae 8O45 Meredith Saratoga
Howard R
Herbert Fischer
Poppleon Ave ......... Park ..1sO4
Justus Gans 1000 North Nineteenth
Leo ............. High ...1SsS
Claude A Gray 1o North Twentieth
Magdalne Goik Conception
George eutos3sr 9s3i Marcy SP s Bso
Ruth Henderson 2e28 Dodge ST.
Harry A Hill 2o1o North Twenyafth St
J. South Reals
Loretta Jen 1854 Lake St
Alfred Jones' 4S1S jackson ......18ss
Anton Kasparek, . Bancroft 19O2
Emma KOley St.
Lucille Kendall Pip North
Irene KOhn. 1915 Keliom
B e husk9 DISK N SSG4 Fowler Ave Saratoga
Evelyn Ledwioh s517 Harvey
Ida Langdon. 1s1 South sCentral
Clifford lawson 3O6 .1eo1
Awina Nineteenth St. .... Lake 1901
ChaIes ior 2o2S Paul St Kelom
Marion e. Mecane s4o2 South Tenth Stu
Claire Mcmahon. 1903 Lincoln 1so5
Willie iteenths ,Cass 1ooO
Erik Olsen 246 South First Bancroft 19O
Arthur Olson S1 North FOysizh
Twenty-frst St KeIom 1907
Floyd Reinhardt 1902 South Beals
Mary E Riley, Patrct
Eros A. Rensrom 4Z4S Maple St. Clifton
Willard Rodgers 292S ArbOr ............ Dupont
George suchart Central
Mary skaak 24OS
Anton slwska 1854
@ smith 22O6 South Twentynnh ST. Park .....1SOO
Meta ............. High 1SS6
John Wooah 4O2 Lafayette Saunders
Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922, 1911-05-27

Well, Bill there's just one battle more
That's fixed for me an you,
An We alone will hear the roar
An see the boys rush through
Wen keep the standard floatin' free,
The smoke will clear away
who knows? The one just past may be
Our last Memorial Day"
Copyright, 1911, by the n. Y. Herald Col
Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922, 1911-05-27

himself perceived how utterly ridiculous
a scheme IL would prove, but he persisted.
and examples by dozens were made OF re-
fractory subjects, who were tortured TO
death, but 10 no purpose.
Finally Philip II, the Spanish king, was
peuuoned, and temporary compromise
was effected, by which the towns were to
pay H.O000O0 annually for the two sue
ceeding yeaTs-untn August, l5n.
Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922, 1911-05-27
The One-"GaIlus" Country.

northerner asked Cracker II he
thought he could get a new pair OF sus-
penders at the ferry store. After he had
ridden on, the half-grown son Of the
Cracker asked, Pap, what's themY'
Il reckon they be galluses," was the
reply
But, Pap, what's he a-goin' for to gil
par fur? Dye reck'n he's got two pal
o. briches ?'-Lippincott's
Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922, 1911-05-27
Thoughtful Child.

Btrtie-Ivs had such fine game. Auntis.
I've taken letter 20 every house in the
street
Aunue-How nice. Where did YOU get
the letters7
Bertie-I found big bundle tied I'D with
pink ribbon, In your desk.-Punch.
Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922, 1911-05-27

Gslauons, v:13-"For We brethren were
called for freedom: only use not YOUR
freedom for an occasion TO the flesh but
through love be servants one to another.
(Revised versionD
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1911-12-23

Let ask you, Mr. Michigan Voter
satisfied to be led by the this time have permitted
yourself to be led in the past2
ARE YOU SATISFIED DELEGATE YOUR PARTY RIGHTS AND
YOUR SAME CROWD THAT MANIPULATED THE
NOMINATION OF PARKER WHOM TIMES KNEW MONTHS IN
ADVANCE TO CHOICE OF wALLST, AND PRINTED THE
FACTf
willing that not capable these bosses
when comes naming candidate for the presidencya
pride being traded political chat the same
slaves before the civil war9
wouldn't sell BUT ISN'T IT JUST AS BAD FOR YOU
TO SIT IDLY SOMEBODY ELSE TO SELL 1T FOR
You OR TRADE IT WHICH SAME THINGl
the questions that must reflect the
members representing progressive Democracy
for You block the
potte send the pary delegation to the convention
mtted andf for political sale to the highest bidder
The men organizing Wilson do be
leaders
They aim to lead
simply invite volunteer the side they
believe full promise country and between
those po and those who Democrats be-
the principles which the founded
for Mr. Michigan Democrat to CHOOSE YOUR SIDE
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1911-12-23

Our unfortunate president has
faculty for always getting in wrong
and this Is no exception. He cannot
discern the difference between the
big, rich corporations. paying spien-
did dividends on over-capitaiiZation OF
any when from three TO five times,
and the fair compensation TO our
farmers on an honest capitalization
and paying taxes on every cent OF
ii.
This is the same position the pres
ident took in considering the recipro-
city question-free farm products and
protected farm implements.
Al this moment | have in my ware
houses more than half of all the wool
in this state and II ! took Mr.. Taft's
recommendation seriously, | would
be greatly disturbed. but knowing
that none OF his ideas have ever been
accepted and being confident nothing
like what he purposes will be enact
ell into law | am resting serene, 10
be honest | anticipate wool will ad-
vance instead OF decline, as might be
feared by some because OF the threat
ened enactment of such an idea.
The presidents predicament forces
me TO regard him with pity.
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1911-12-23
CHAPTER TX.
lCOnainued.l

That same night found Colonel Tod
hunter back in Nlneveh And thank
the Good Marster up above, Mary"
he said to Mrs. Todhunted fervently.
I'm shorely glad 70 get home. | been
playin the wild In ST. Louis. My one
comfort Is that | told Bill Strickland
exactly how it'd be- He's got himself
10 thank for persuadin' me TO go
there"
Why, Colonel Todhunter!" cried
Mrs. Todhunter. You can't fool me,
talking that way! saw all the St.
Louis papers as fast as they got to
Nineyeh. and they every one said you
just covered yourself with glory"
An alarmed look came into Colonel
Todhunter's face. Mary" he asked,
did you see them cartoons?"
Mrs. Todhunter laughed outright. i
couldn't help seem 'em. Colonel Tod
hunter, Ny goodness me, Amt II
wonderful, what likenesses those news
paper artists can make, just looking at
person."
Colonel Todhunter gazed at the
speaker ruefully Then he shook his
head. That beats the Dutch!" he
murmured sadly. And yet they say
a mans wifell stand for him when he
amt got another friend left in the
world"
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1911-12-23
Poor Taft aft In Bad Again
BY EDWARD FRENsDORF.

Being deeply concerned in wool. |
have closely followed all kinds Of
suggestions eminating from all
sources, bearing on tariff legislation,
and l must confess the declaration of
President Taft comes nearest TO be-
ing a real joke than any that has
come TO my attention. We now have
an awful middle and confusion, real
ly accomplishing nothing, other than
condemning one of the many out
rageous schedules of a bill which he
was responsible for and which he
later defended by calling il the best
ever"
This schedule X which the presi-
dent now denounces, was pointed out
TO him as needing correction, but he
only listened TO the manufactures, who
was fearful should any correction be
inaugurated on the wool schedule.
The goods schedule would most
likely be given an airing, and knowing
that department of the best tarin
bill ever enacted" contained lockers
by the dozens. and evasions by the
score-it would not do 10 disturb II.
It's too absurd to discuss.
Suffice 10 say, the president has dis
covered that II costs 100 per cent
more for labor in our country than II
does abroad to produce WOODEN and
worsted goods. but for farm and ranch
labor, where wool is produced there
is practically no difference in cost OF
labor as compared with the lowest
type OF labor in foreign lands, the
ignorant semi-civilized shepherds and
sheep-tenders
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1911-12-23
Why They Are Spoiled.

Edith Wharton, the noted novelist,
was talking in the saloon OF La Prov
ence about the spoiled children OF
multimillionaires.
They are spoiled even by their tu-
tors" she said II know a little Riv-
erside drive multimillionaire whose
education proceeds every morning In
this fashion:
what state is this, Master Clar-
ence?
Pennsylvania
Right. Quite right! cries the tu-
tor, only Il happens TO be Inhabited
by California. Pennsylvania, Master
Clarence. is a little higher up
Then the tutor saws:
/" VIII yea be so good as to tell me,
Master Clarence, what Parmentier in
PRODUCED?
The oyster said the little boy.
1.-The oyster? Quite correct cries
the tutor. The oyster OF the poor-in
other words, that is 10 say, the po-
tato
Then things turned to literature.
"'What can you tell me, Master
Clarence, about Zolas works.
No answer.
Excellent! Perfect declared the
tutor The least said about lola 8
works the Observation-Disclosures Star.
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1911-12-23
Potato-H Philosophy.

How people like to read and roast
the newspapers.
Never believe a mans own story OIL
how brave or square or liberal or
wise he is.
A man Is never as crazy for a good
figure as a woman Is.
A woman is enthusiastic over be-
ing married; not over the man she IL
TO marry.
More women are looking for an OPP
portunity to elope from men than TO
elope with them.
No man is really big-feeling unless
he thinks he is as good as George
Washington.
You can avoid a good deal OF bad
luck by working steadily during the
day. behaving yourself and going TO
bed early.
When | meet a girl with very odd
and romantic name, | always wonder
what her name was before she began
fooling with il.
A Democrat can never get anything
unless 1t is given TO him, and | stand
pat on the proposition that thousands
of Republicans are thinking of giving
the presidency to Woodrow Wilson.
Send boy for drink OF water for
a guest and he will bring II in tin
dipper;; send a girl and she Will bring
II in the best glass In the house.
Nothing hurts boys feelings
worse than 10 act smart In presence
Of girl who is staying all night with
his sister and then get whipped for 1t
In her presence.
All OF us howl and imagine we suf-
fer in silence.
A woman with six children was a
passenger en- a train. The Oldest and
worst one was about nine, and all
were crying. The women was plainly
losing her temper and had slapped
several OF them. The train-boy APP
preached her with an armful of books.
Madam" he said, wouldn't you like
a good novel with which to pass away
your idle timer" The woman looked
at him Indignantly and said: III you
don't go on away from here III slap
you."-E W. Howe's Monthly.
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1911-12-23
- COLONEL - |
~ TODHUNTER -
@<MSSOL1p/ WITHIN
Dr RIPLEY {. SAUNDERS
DH[2lpLYDNAlINDERs


reply. IF | was TO live to be as old
as Methusalah, sub. | couldn't never
hope To get that old lady's consent,
sub She told me SO herself fiat-foot-
ed. in about as pinted language as |
ever hear In all my life, sub. And she
added that even IL did live as long as
old Methusalah and there want an
other man left I'm all the world. sub,
she'd prevent my marryin' Miss An
gelica II she had to come back from
her grave and liant me to keep me
from dom IT, subj"
Sim" asked Colonel Todhunter,
"old Mrs Exalrs worst objection to
you is that you amt as well OF as
Pointer Scruggs, amt it?'
1T Is, sub II had Pointer Scruggs'
money and land, Colonel, and he didn't
have any more'n what I've got now.
I'd be the one in that old lady's good
graces, sub. !"
And it's true. as you say, that Miss
Angelica loves you dearly, and that
you love her In the same way, suhY
THAT shorely is the truth. Colonel
Todhunter. | love Miss Angelica With
all my heart and all my soul, and,
thank the good Lord. sub. she says
that's Just the way she loves me-
But her mother is willing TO marry
her off 20 Pointer Scruggs Just for the
sake OF his money and land? She'll
do this and make the girl unhappy
for life II you don't save her by run
min away with herr"
Colonel Todhunter, that's what's
a.goin' 10 happen Just as sure e.
you'n mes a-sittin' here Jookin eacn
other in the face this minute. III
, don't pervent II I'm some such way
as YOU have just indicated, sun
! "And you've faced old Mrs. Exali
In gain and asked her the second time
| for Miss Angelica. tellin' her that the
girl herself said she loved your In
quired the Colonel.
II have. sub And that old lady
come mighty nigh skeerin me out Oh
seven years growth when | done H.
sub. But | done II all the same pre-.
cisely as you told me TO do IL, sun
| And now you feel sure in your own
l mind. and for all time, that you can
never persuade old Mrs. Exall TO give
Miss Angelica to YOU
Colonel Todhunter. it s as certain
az the law OF the Modes and the FER
slams sub. Miss Angelica's ma took
particular pains to convince me OF
this fact, sub. And. finally, she de-
clared that she'd scratch my eyes on.
IL | ever pestered her on that subject
again. sub
Colonel .Todhunter Strengthened up.
Then. Sim" he spoke. the light OF
clear conscience In his eyes, the
sooner you run of with Miss Angelica
and marry her. the better for Doth Oh
you, sub"
That's exactly what I've come now
to tell you, subj" cried Sim Birdsong
jubilantly I'm a-goin to run on with
Miss Angelica this very night, Col
cnel Todhunter And we want you
to help us, subj!
Colonel Todhunter gasped.
"You want me TO help your ne re.
heated weakly. why, Sim, what In
blue blazes-why, sub, it's you that's
got TO run off with Miss Angelica, not
mel
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1911-12-23
From Another Point of View.

is Rufus Peelmore in the potato business
Possibly the slogan is waiting to swear OF Jan l.
Santa Claus whiskers nearing The lighted candles
nine days before will write it II for ~
lucky lnkey that hasn't entered into the Christmas
Of prize Handing him. the
liability schedule
but not buttonng dress
Of the
the mayor n
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1911-12-23

A hat Sli Ci NO
republic, Honduras
where 1t is a calm
day indeed II the
setting sun sees
no new revolution
just begun, has
shifted ministers
at Washington. Dr.
Fauste Dayina
succeeds Alberto
Membrane. Wheth-
err the change Is
the forerunner OF
a new dollar diplo-
macy wrinkle or
another revolution,
or both will not be
left to the imagin-
alton for many
moons.
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1911-12-23
CHAPTER K.
Colonel Todhunter Aids and Abess a

Young LoCnlnNdT.
Colonel Todhunter was luxuriously
bathing his soul in the soothing balm
OF country life when Sim Birdsong
emerged into view and hurried up the
flower bordered walk 10 the Todhunt-
ter homestead. The colonel himself
was seated in his big cane easy-chair
on the wide gallery, several Missouri
newspapers on the table beside him
and one already held open In his hand.
Mrs. Todhunter had gone into town
On some housewifely errand.
"Howdy. Colonel" Sim saluted the
returned campaigner Il must say that
politics seems TO agree with you, sub.
You're looking as peart as a tXo-yea ear
old after your St. Louis frUftc.
The Colonel grunted. III | am.
SIM" he replied, II reckon it's be-
cause | must be so hatchery no-count
that | amt worth KILN, sub. I've
certainly gone through enough since
been away from Nineveh TO lay any
ordinary man out cold and stiff. City
politics is a mighty swift proposition,
Sim Birdsong. femme tell you that for
keeps. But how did you know I'd got
back home?"'
Il happened to meet Mrs. Todhunter
in town, sub. and she told me you
showed up last night" answered Sim.
Then he Sat silent. gazing at the
Colonel speculatively At last he
spoke.
Colonel Todhunter," he said, clear
ing his throat nervously, I'm a-goin'
to do it, sub
The Colonel laid down his paper.
You're a-goin' to do what. Sfm?" he
asked blankly.
Why, Colonel" demonstrated Sim
Birdsong. You shorely Amt forgot
the advice you, yourself, give me. have
you. subj"
SIM" responded the Colonel, per-
picked, IL reckon | been givin' so
blamed much advice here lately that
I've lost hold on some O. the loose
ends, maybe. What was 1t was ad-
visin' you about in particular, my
boy"
Something like chagrin showed in
Sims surprised face. Why, suh," he
spoke rebukingly, ut was about Miss
Angelica Exall, sub. You shorely re-
member the very important talk you
and me had about Miss Angelica and
her ma, Colonel Todhunter?"
The Colonies face lightened. ITO
be sure-to be sure, Sim! Now ! re-
member perfectly. You was a'tellin'
me, sub. that old Mrs. Exall's attitude
TO ards you gave mighty little hope O.
your ever winnin' Miss Angelica's
heart and hand"
Colonel Todhunter," said Sim
proudly. that want quite 1t, sub. I
have already won Miss Angelica's
heart, suh-and the very essence Of
our talk, Colonel, was about the ways
and means OF winnin' her hand as
we'll, sub"
"O-it was, eh?"
"Yes. sub, il was. 1t was your ad-
vice to me. Colonel Todhunter, to run
of with Miss Angelica Exall, sub, II /
found out beyond the peradventure OF
doubt that her ma wouldn't never
consent TO our bein' married, sub
Colonel Todhunter looked at Sim
Blrdsong judicially. Have you found
that out, Sim?"
Colonel" was the others detected
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1911-12-23
A POEM A DAY.
THE RUGGED HILL.

THE RUGGED HILL.
stu the rugged hill 10 climb-still the
long endeayor
Dream you are millionaire and wake
up poor as ever!
That's the way
From day TO day
Dream OF blue skies,
Get the gray
Fore the horse start TO. run, race you
think you're winnin;
Then YOU wake up. and you nnd
troubles Just beginnint
lust the way
From day To day
Blue sky hldin
From the gray!
Frank Stanton IN Atlanta Constltu-
ton.
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1911-12-23
As to Ragtime.

Juggins-Who was il that said II
he could make the songs OF the peo-
pie he wouldn't care who made the
laws2
Muggins-Don't know But IL he's
the chap who's making the songs Of
the people nowadays, I'd just like 10
have the making OF the laws little
while That's ALFRED Hen.
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1911-12-23
MIHE.
LMLt6HI

rhat strenuous Central American