The Lynden tribune. [volume] (Lynden, Wash.) 1908-current, 1911-01-26
A LETTER HOME TO BILL
FROM CHARLIE


Didn't you have only one cent? or do
you figure that by cutting out letter
writing the saving in ink will get
you a start in postal savings. You say
you are sorry | am not we'll. Well,
you ought to be. You say il you
thought it would do me any good
YOU would sell team and come out
and see me.
Do me any good? You old moss
eaten, back woodsman, of course 1t
would do me good. Anybody would
tell you that. What did Mrs. Eddy
found her famous religion on, tell me
that? Give it up, don't you? You
never was very strong on religions
Well, I'll tell you:
Mrs. Eddy made a whole church
out of tickle. That's right. They don't
call it that. They call it faith or
science cure or something of that sort
but tickle is all it is.
Nine people out of ten can be cur
ed of nine out of ten diseases by
grins, if the right people grin at them
the right sort of grins, and grin often
and hard enough Those who can't be
cured can be helped a whole lot.
Well then, if that's true, and you
better not dare to dispute my word,
it is foolish to ask if think it would
do any good for you to come and see
me. If you can't come send grin
in an envelope, even if 1t does cost
two cents. A grin Is a tickle. and Il
tickle is faith cure, and faith cure Is
better dope than most doctors pre-
scribe
Don't suppose you ever went up to
the Battle Creek sanitarium, did you
Bill? No, | reckon not. Well am
loafing now in a sanitarium run along
the same lines. They follow the same
general pattern only this being new
er has all the later didos. This one
is located at Port Townsend. | came
here by accident. | got Inundated
and went home and then came back
a purpose. / have notion to stay un-
til | get we'll You know they cure pc
pie here, if people will let them.
Sometimes they do 1t anyway.
They are great on baths here. l
didn't know | was so horribly dirty.
but do YOU know, they have bathed
me- in tub full of hot water haii
a dozen times in a week, soaked me
in hot blankets, steamed me, sweated
me, chucked me under a shower bath,
turned the water on me with hose'
threw it on me with pail and they
haint done yet. Honestly ! think
they lay awake nights trying TO
figure out new ways for bathing me-
| borrowed a spy glass last night ana
took squint to see what II was
they were trying to wash or. Could
MT find any more dirt than usual
have notion they take me for a
desert and think themselves gov
ernment irrigation scheme.
They are pretty good jokers in the
eating line too. First day ! went In
to the dining room | wasn't very
hungry but my false teeth were hank
ering for a taste of coffee. When
the waiter came around | put on my
sweetest smile and told her what J
wanted.
Yes SIR" she said with a smile
that made mine look like frozen
rift in a snow drift, but, what do you
suppose she brought me?
Coffee? No. Bless your heart coffee
is rank poison. 1t is second cousin
to a rattle snake. She didn't say that
when | demonstrated at the cerea
liquid she brought, she just referred
me to the doctor.
DIR. Simmons doesn't smile, he just
grins. He grinned and let me 90 al
the talking until | run down. Thel
he told me about how coffee ha(
tannin in it, or hadn't been tanned
M something and how as hence net
inst about as soon his boy woul'
smoke pipe as to drink coffee.
"What?" shreiks l, do you thini
tobacco is poson?'
He grinned again till | run ao"n
and then remarked that if was dea'
anxious to do some sin, why in tn
world didn't | drink whlskey
smoke opium or something like tha'
Said II wasn't much worse, If any, o.
the human system.
Well | didn't argue with him oh'
about two hours, and didn't nav
time to convince him.
Next morning the dining foo'
pirl had a sweeter smile than ever
told her guessed she was 'lgh
about the coffee and that | woui
t.ke any sort of liquor she saw II
to bring me, but also to bring som
hot cakes and bacon and eggs-ess
fried hard ,.u.
Size forgot to smile. In the ight c
nv later education | now know 'hs
sba thought me insane. She went owe
20 tbe doctors table and whispere
to him He grinned. l got some cor
flakes. some granola. some panama ~
some apples, a baked potato d sc' a.. =,
hled egg and few other fixihss II
c,udine toast. didn't exactly s'a,'
AZ noon they had roast nuts p'
they didn't tell me what 1t was s,"l an
l thought it was roast veal 0'"'