davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22
A DEAL IN STAMPS.
The Watchfu Man Insisted on His
Rights and Got Left.

Rights and Got Left.
The man who keeps watchful eye
on the federal government bought Ave
postage stamps. The drug store cash.
Ter laid them down, picture side up,
whereupon the customer COMPOUNDED
her with his knowledge of the govern
ment He unfolded a newspaper and
pointed to a headline:
stamps must be delivered gummy
aide up
See that?" said he. by laying
down stamps the way you did you are
loading me up with germs. This win
dow sill may be alive with germs.
They will stick to the gum on the
stamps, and l shall carry them home
and lick them off and maybe be laid
up with a spell Of sickness"
The girl gave the stamps another
little push, and he showed them back.
what do you want me to do?" she
asked
Take these stamps back" he said
''and lay out five more gummy side up
as the government directs"
She obeyed. He folded the slip, still
gum side up, and put it In his pocket
He went home and wrote letters till
bedtime and prepared to stick on the
stamps Then he said, Hang that
girl.
The drug store cashier had given
him one cent stamps.-New Yorb
Times.
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22
FOOLED THE STUDENTS.
A Clever Hoax That Was Perpetrateo
at Harvard University.

a Clever Hoax That Was Perpetrated
at Harvard University.
Richard Washburn Child. the nov
elist. when at Harvard university was
the originator of joke which has be-
come perpetuated in the university.
The Bookman describes the incident
as follows:
while an undergraduate at Har-
ward Mr.. Child happened to be, among
other things, one Of the board or edi-
tors of the LampoOn. The Crimson,
the Harvard undergraduate daily. had
announced that II would print no edi-
ton on Memorial day, 1901. AT Mr..
Childs suggestion the Lampoon issued
a fake number Of the Crimson, deli
cately enough caricatured TO deceive
all but the most obseryant readers.
"The appearance of the college paper
was accurately reproduced. even to
certain typographical errors for which
the Crimson had been notorious, but
the contents were such that the whole
Cambridge community was for time
in turmoil. Information that the jan
jtor OF one Of the college laboratories
had upset a jar of microbes and that
all those who had been near the labo-
ratory should report at once to the col
lege doctor; that So-and-so of the crew
sound had rowed himself out Of his
shell. but had reached shore without
I'll effects. and that the president and
fellows of Harvard college had de-
cided not to offer President Mckinley
an honorary degree was given with the
utmost gravity,
"a statement In the fake that the
Crimson was making more money than
was warranted and that $3.50 on all
SO subscriptions would be returned
that afternoon brought many fresh
men to the Crimson office at the ap'
pointed time. A sign. hung In the
night over the Crimson office. reiter
ated this announcement and was an
other part of the hoax. Its complete
success was for long the talk Of Cam
bridge and the forbidden subject OF
conversation In the Crimson sanctum.'
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22
When the Immortals Nodded.

The French papers have made much
Of slip by NJ. Emile Faguet in his
grafton before the academy. The
academician rendered to Caesar more
than was Caesars. for he gave the
Fighter and writer" credit for a line
which belongs to Cato. But it seems
the immortals are not immune from
lapsus linguae. General LanglOis got
mixed up with Palestro and Solferino
Even Scribe and Moliere refer to the
revocation of the edict of Nantes,
which took place in 1886, twelve years
after Moliere's death. But perhaps a
more glaring instance is that Of Mon
tesquin, who, in his Esprit des Lois"
volumn 1, chapter XXI, %, writes, 81
have many times deplored the blindness
Of the council of Francis l., who rebuff
ed christopher Columbus when he pro-
pounded his scheme for India" But
Francis |. assembled the throne In 1915,
nine years after the date of the death
Of Columbus.-London Globe.
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22
The cIeverness Of Wioains.

Outside his own cleverness there Is
nothing that so delights Mr.. Virgins
as a game Of baseball. and when he
gets n chance to exploit the two, both
at the same time, he may be said TO
be the happiest man in the world.
Hence II was that the other day, when
little red headed Willie Mulligan, his
office boy. came shifting into his pres
ence to ask for the afternoon Off that
he might attend his grandmother's
funeral, Virgins deemed 1t mastery
stroke to answer:
"Why. certainly, Willie. What's
more. my boy, II you'll wait for me
I'll go with you"
"All right. sir" shifted Willie as he
returned to his desk and waited pa
tiently.
And, 10 and behold. poor little Willie
had told the truth, and when he and
Virgins started out together the lat.
ter not only lost one OF the best games
OF the season, but had to attend the
obsequIes of an old lady In whom he
had no interest whatever as WE'LL
Harper's.
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22
TURNED The BATTLE.
Impulse That Moved the British Ian
Gers at Ali~sL

Gers at Nli~si.
The Sixteenth lanccrs. than whom
there IS no n re famous regiment IN
the British ryice, performed hne
feat nj the battle Of Aliwal' In the
Punjab, I'm Jaiuary. 1916
The gallant Silshs had thrown them
selves into squares and In this lorna
tIon for a tire resisted the desperate
charges of tie English cavalry just
ms stubbornIy "a the British infantry
had resisted the French curaissiers at
Waterioa
Again and again did the Sixteenth
Iancers strive to break through the
masses of ID, Sikhs. and again and
ocain scores Of saddles were emptied,
and the British were beaten back with
daughter. As the lancers got close
enough to deliver their thrusts their
weapons would splinter like match.
wood upon the stout shields of their
svarthy foes. Suddenly an inspiration
came to the troopers.
without receiving any orders TO that
effect, but as If controlled by a unani
nous impulse, they shifted their lances
TO the bride hand and charged In
once more. The Sikhs, entirely unpre
pared for this sudden and mastery
maneuver, received in their bodies in
stead Of on their targets the speal
points of the hOrsemen.
Into and through the squares sweep
the Sixteenth. with lances rs crimson
as their tunlcs. Even so, 1t Is record
ed that the resistance was so desper
ate and sustained that the Sikh squar'
had to be ridden through again am
yet again before 1t was finally over
come.-Exchange.
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22
WON BY A SONG.
Incident That fastened the Success OF
TeIephones In Enaland.

Telephones In England.
Following the establishment on a
solid basis Of the American telephone
system, work for European exploitation
was early begun. The results were
hardly encouraging.
Five-eighths of the British rights
were purchased for $500 by q Provi-
dence man, says the National Maya
zine. After working in London four
months he could not find any one who
would put a shilling in the telephone.
An English review said of 1t: THE
telephone is little better than a toy.
It amuses the English. but is inferior
to the we'll established system OF air
tubes"
The victory was won at last by Kate
Field. who sang kathleen Mnvour-
neen" over the telephone TO Queen
Victoria. The queen was delighted,
asked Bell If she might buy two tele,
phones. and II was not long before
all England was interested. An ex.
change with ten wires was opened In
London, and in April, 1879, Theodore
Vail sent an order 10 the factory IN
Boston In his terse. characteristic way
please make 100 hand telephones for
export trade as early rs possible"
In the italian Alps, on the peak OF
Monte Rosa, is the highest telephone
in the world. Strung at the order OF
Queen Margherita, it took six years t
complete the connection between the
top of the mountain and the queens
apartments I'm Rome.
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22
Knew His Bible.

Tommy was a venturesome lad, but
nobody had ever credited him with suf-
flcient courage To shake his head In
contradiction when the Sunday school
visitor, who wished to show Off his
knowledge OF Biblical history. asserted
that Sarah, Abraham's wife, was the
only woman whose age was recorded
in the Bible. Seeing the disappearing
motion Of the little head In the front
row the visitor reiterated:
Sarah was the only woman whose
age is recorded In the Bible"
Then Tommy spoke right up:
There are three more that | know
Of" said he.
"Who?" asked the astonished visitor.
Mother, grandmother and Aunt
Lucy" said Tommy.--New York Sun.
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22
Practical Politics.

A political office in small town was
vacant. The Office paid $3.50 a year,
and there was keen competition for it.
One Of the candidates, Ezekiel Hicks,
was shrewd old fellow, and neat
campaign fund was turned over to
him. To the Acknowledgement of all,
however he was defeated.
Il can't account for It," said one of
the leaders Of Hicks party gloomily.
with that money we should have
won. How did you lay it out. Eze-
kiel?"
"Well." said Ezekiel, slowly pulling
his whiskers, Eyer see that office only
pays $3.50 year salary an didn't
see no sense in payin' 5000 out to get
the office, so | bought me little
truck farm instead"
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22

In most accounts of snake charming
in India the snake stone plays an i'm
portant part. When the charmer Is bit
ten the stone is applied to the bite and
Is supposed to aid in his recovery
Writing in the London Field, Lieuten-
ant L. Mackenzie gives some notes on
two of these stones, which he had the
opportunity of seeing. They were tri-
angular in shape, fiat and rounded,
with smooth polished black surfaces.
They are said to come from the hills of
Tibet and to be the solidified saliva of
the markhor. This animal Is spoken
Of in Lieutenant Mackenzies note as
the persian snake eater" Its saliva
is thought to contain an antidote to
snake poison. The markhor is a spe.
cies of wild goat found in India, Tibet
and Kashmir
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22

Fulton himself said one day: "Nei-
Their M. Desblancs nor l invented the
steamboat. If that glory belongs to
any one 1t is to the author of the ex-
periments at Lyons-of the expert
ments made In 1888 on the Saone."
The one Fulton had in mind and to
whom he thus generously rendered the
glory was the Marquis de Jouffray,
born in 1851, fourteen years before the
year Of Fulton's birth. Jouffray's
claim to be regarded as the inventor
of the steamboat stands thus: His YES
sci, built in 1888. notwithstanding its
faulty construction, embodied all the
elements essential to success. In it he
anticipated aVatts' invention of a
steam engine having a constant and
unremitting action. Lack of funds
was the only thing that stood In the
way of his getting all the honors that
came later to Robert Fulton.-New
York American.
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22
Joan of Arcs Ball.

In the cathedral, church of Notre
Dame, Paris, there is a bell which
dates from the days Of Joan Of Arc
"the blessed belr' which sounded the
tocsin when the Maid of Orleans ap-
peared in August, 1929, and Paris was
besieged by the English. This historic
bell, referred to by Victor Hugo in
"Notre Dame de Paris" was given to
the cathedral in 400 by Jean de Mon
taign. 1t was refounded in 1886 and
then rebaptized under the name of EN-
manuel Louise Therese in honor of
Louis XIV. and Marie Therese Of Aus
trla.-L0ndon Globe
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22

Gold beaters by hammering can re-
auce gold leaves so thin that $4,000
must be laid upon each other to pro
duce the thickness of an inch, yet each
leaf is so perfect and free from holes
that one Of them laid upon any sur.
face. as in gliding. gives the appear
ance Of solid gold. They are so thin
that II formed into a book 1900 would
only occupy the space of single leaf
of common paper, and an octave vol
ume Of an inch thick would have as
many pages as the books Of well
stocked library of 1900 volumes with
200 pages in each.
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22
The -
Scrap Book



A young woman who was about 10
wed decided nj the last moment to test
her sweetheart So. selecting the pref
test girl she knew. she said TO her.
though she knew II was a great risk;
'I'll arrange for Jack 20 take you out
tonight-a walk ON the beach In the
moonlight, a lobster supper and all
that sort of thing and ! want YOU In
order to put his fidelity TO the proof TO
ask him for a kiss"
The other girl laughed. blushed ana
assented. The dangerous plot was car
ried out. Then the next day the girl In
love visited the pretty one and said
anxiously:
well, did you ask him?"
"NO. dear"
Nor Why notT'
81 didn't get chance. He asked me
first"
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22
LUGGAGE IN ENGLAND.
Mono of II Goes Astray Because the
People Are All Verv Honest

People Are All Very Honest.
Certain strangers within our gates
have been wondering at our dealing
with passengers luggage-how much
better the system Of other countries.
where you get receipt and when
the bag goes astray the official assures
you it Is impossible because there is
the receipt. So you go to bed and get
up and dress in your bit of paper
Our method is insular and on the
face of it chaotic. We throw our lug
gage to the mercy of some unknown
porter. At the end of the Journey we
find a sort of lucky tub of portable
property piled on the platform, and
we plunge about and pick out what
we want. You know the scene-n
hundred people who have only to say
That's mine" to a strange porter in
order to get it.
Thus badly stated the system looks
like chaos and the invitation. to a
general scramble for other mems
goods. In practice it works out well,
for every one, from porter to passen-
ger, Is on his honor, and-this Is the
point-luggage in England is safer
than in any other civilized country
Westminster Gazette.
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22

When Christine Nilsson made her
concert tour in the United States in
1854 Signor Brignoi sang with her.
He caused much merriment when he
came forward in a Missouri town to
apologize for Missions indispositiOn.
Madame Nilsson ees a leetle horse"
he said. Noticing a ripple of laughter
among the audience, he repeated the
statement that Nilsson was a leetle
horse, q leetle colt"
Whereupon facetious occupant Of
the gallery brought down the house
by remarking, well, then, why don't
you trot her outY
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22

Albert w. Ransom, a New York law
yer, says that the best legal joke he
ever heard was of a lawyer who was
shown the sights Of certain town by
the county judge. Here is the story:
After the judge had with considerable
pride shown to the lawyer the court
house. the city hall and other public
buildings Of his town the lawyer in
quired, "But where do you feed your
poor?" The dignified judge looked per-
picked for few seconds and then,
with a sunny smile, remarked, "Oh,
we feed our poor on the provisions of
the revised statutes"
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22
a Dreadful Siqht

to H. j. Barnum, of Freeville, N. Y,
was the fever sore that had plagued his
life for years in spite of the many
remedies he tried, AT last he used
Bucklen's Arnica Salve and wrote, ait
has entirely healed with scarcely a scar
left. Heals Burns, Boils, Eczema, Cuts,
Bruises, Swellings, Corns and Piles like
magic. Only 25c at j. w. Thurston's.
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22
Common Colds Must be Taken
Seriously

For unless cured they sap the vitality
and lower the vital resistance to more
serious infection. Protect your children
and yourself by the prompt use of
Foley's Honey aud Tar Compound and
note its quick and decisive results. For
coughs, colds, Group, whooping cough,
bronchitis and affections of the throat
chest and lungs it is an ever ready and
valuable remedy,-John w. Thurston
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22
SYNONYMS.

The French Canadian always has
trouble with the aspirate 9TH" At a
debating club in the province of Que
bee members were required to draw
slip from a hat and debate upon the
subject they received. A young coun-
tryman arose.
II have drew the word bat I must
told you dere is two, tree different kind
of bat. Dere is de bat wot you play
the baseball wit, de bat wot fly in de
air at night and also de bat where
you take de m."-Success Maya
zine
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22
No Need to Stop Work

When your doctor orders you To stop
work, it staggers you. al can't, you
say. You know you are weak, run
down and failing in health day by day,
but you must work as long as you can
stand What you need is Electric
Bitters to give tone, strength, and vigor
to your system, to prevent breakdown
and build you up. Don't be weak,
sickly or ailing when Electric Bitters
will benefit you from the first dose
Thousands bless them for their glorious
health and strength. Try them. Every
bottle is guaranteed to satisfy. Only
soc at j. w. Thurston's.
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22
A Sunday In olasaoM.

HOFFMAN,. the famous German ehen
Ist. once related an experience be hau
az Scotch sabbatarianism In 1870 he
visited Glasgow. arriving In the town
late on a Saturday night The follow
ing morning be went to call on SIR
william Thompson. afterward Lord
Kelvin. The doorbell was answered
hy a parlor maid. Of whom Hoffman
asked II Sir William were at home
"sir. he most certainly is not" an
swered the servant
Gould you tell me where L might
find himY' asked the professor.
"You win find him In church, SIR
was the crushing reply. where you
ought 10 be"
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22
Also the Whale.

A Kansas fisherman declares that a
catfish will pur like tomcat when II
Is stroked he right way Did he ever
try strokiGg a German carp and hear.
ing 1t sing "YIi le hi loP-Kansas City
Star. And did he ever stroke a whale
and hear IT spout?-Cleveland Plain
Dealer
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22

Or. Oliver Wendell Holmes. the poet
and wit. wrote to committee declin-
ing to accept an invitation TO deliver
lecture. az am far from being in good
physical health" wrote the doctor.
land | am satisfied that II l were of
fered fifty dollar bill after my lecture
should not have strength enough to
refuse IL :"
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22
Before You Reach the Limit

of physical endurance and while your
condition is still durable, take Foley
Kidney Pills. Their quick action and
positive results will delight you. For
backache, nervousness, rheumatism and
all kidney, bladder and urinary troubles.
John w. Thurstou.
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22
He Knew Jim.

Jim had made an unsuccessful at.
tempt to conquer the world and came
back to the Tennessee town dirty,
worn out and hungry.
Uncle john" he said melodramati-
cally, Il came home to die"
mo, dod CAST you," said unsympa-
thetic Uncle Jim, you came home to
eat"-Success Magazine.
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22
Didn't Want to Impose.

dusty road with bag on his back
when he was overtaken by cart the
driver of which offered him n lift
Thanks" said the Irishman. He got
In, but did not take the bag off his
back. Wont you put down your bag,
sir?" asked the driver WELL" said
the Irishman, II don't like to impose
on your good nature. You are giving
me ride, but will carry the bag"
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22
FoIey's Kidney Re medy (Liquid)

Is a great medicine of proven value for
both acute aud chronic kidney and
bladder ailments. 1t is especially recon-
mended to elderly people for its wonder
full tonic and reconstructive qualities
aud the permanent relief and comfort it
gives them.-John w. Thurston.
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22
AIipk With Primitive Times.

All ceremonial maces at court, in
parliament, of learned societies and
municipal bodies, field marshals' ba.
tons. gold and silver sticks, etc, are
descended from the heavy fighting
sticks and clubs of primitive savages.
The chiefs always had the best carved
clubs. which were the symbols {
prowess and authority. The Austria
Han boomerang and the Irish shillalah
pre both maces.-London Standard.
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22

Chippy-I was not at all up to the
mark last night; tried to say some
thing agreeable, but couldn't do it
somehow, so at last l babe them
goodby. Jones-Ah, then you did man.
age to say something agreeable after
all!-London Stray Stories.
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22

Lawyer Ito witness)-Now, then. Mr..
Murphy. give us your last residence
Murphy Faith, sor, OF dunno, but It'll
be the cimitery. ON thinkin'.
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22

Anyhow, Jack, you cannot say that
1 ran after you at the time of our
marriage"
"You never spoke truer word, Ma
ria, but neither does the mousetrap
run after the mouse, yet it catches
It all the same"
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22
A Real Skeptic.

Orville Wright. at banquet in Day
ton. told of an obstinate old Daytonian
who. looking up one still afternoon at
the Wright biplanes circling smoothly
and steadily through the air, said;
when people first told me about this
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22

Nevertheless, cannot begrudge him
cent of his fortune. He began at
the foot and got many a kick"
"He did,"
Eyes; he was a blacksmith. Judge
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22

here flynn / called 'em liars. Then
when l read about 1t In the papers
said 1t was a fake" The old man,
watching the biplanes moving In great
curves like lazy birds, shook his head
thoughtfully. "By crinus," he said. 81
amt what We mout call convinced yet,
nuther"
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22
The isle Of Lost Dreams.

The Isle Of Lost Dreams.
There is an Isle beyond our ken
Haunted by dreams Of weary men.
Gray hopes enshadow It with wings
Weary with burdens Of old things.
There the insatiate water springs
Rise with the tears Of all who weep
And deep within 1t. deep. OH deep
The furtIve voice Of Sorrow sings.
There evermore.
TIL time be DER.
sad-oh. so sad-the dreams or men
Drift through the isle beyond our Ken
Fiona Macleod.
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22
Shorn.

Shorn.
miss Ella, was your bazaar a sue.
cess?"
"Gloriousl All the men had to walk
neutrality-suspicious. Batter.
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22
Borinu Wells.

The art Of boring wells was practiced
In the east more than 1000 years ago.
Abra hams servant encountered Re-
bekah at a well in 1850 b. G.
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22

The wise prove, the foolish confess
by their conduct, that life Of employ
ment is the only life worth leading
Paley,
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22
IL Surely VIII,

And You like chicken. Sam"
Gee! certainly does, boss"
And You get 'em once in awhilew
"Oh, sure. boss. gets EN-"
How do YOU got EN-. San?"
well. boss you know dat oil sayin',
Love will find the way.'"-Yonkers
Statesman.
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22

One Of the most striking differences
between a cat and lie is that a cat
has only nine lives.-Mark Twain.
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1911-09-22

Consolation,

Binks-Confound it! I've gone and
sat down on that chair | vanished
this morning. Mrs. Binks-Well. for
once you've stuck to your work.-Bos.
ton Transcript.