The Washington herald., 1911-01-15
LAWYER TELLS OF
THE HYPOTHESIS
OF A FAILURE
IN FOUR PARTS
PART I.

Lawyer GooCh bestowed his undivided
attention upon the engrossing arts of the
profession. But one flight of fancy did
he allow his mind to entertain. He was
fond of likeninS his suite of Office rooms
to the bottom of a ship. The rooms were
three in number. with a door opening
from one to another. These doors could
also be closed.
ships" Lawyer Gooch would say. "are
constructed for safety, with separate
Nater-tiGht compartments in their bot
toms. If one compartment springs a leak
ii fills with water: but the good ship
goes on unhurt. Were it not for the
separating bulkheHds one leak would
sink the vessel. Now it OTTER happens
that while | am occupied with clients
other clients. with conflicting interests,
call. With the assistance OF Archibald,
an Office boy with future-I cause the
dangerous influx to be diverted into sepa-
rate compartments. while l sound with
my legal plummet the depth of each. IL
necessary, they may he haled into the
hallway and permitted TO escape by way
of the stairs. which we may term the lee
sCuppers. Thus the good ship of business
is kept afioat. whereas if the element
that supports her were allowed to min
gle freely in her hold we might be
swamped. Ha ha, ha,'
The law is dry. Good jokes are few.
Surely it might he permitted Lawyer
Gooch to mitigate the bore of briefs. the
tedium of tOrts, and the prosiness of
processes with even so light levy upon
the good property of humor
Lawyer Gooch's practice leaned largely
to the settlement of marital infelicities.
hid matrimony languish through conf
nj i,ar ha Cd
hitrated. Did it suffer from implications
he readjusted. defended. and champoned
Did il arrive at the extremity Of dupli-
cations, ne always got light sentences
fOr his clients
But not always was Lawyer Gooch the
keen. armed. willy beliserent. ready with
his two-edged sword to lop off the shac-
kleS Of HNmcn. n" had been known to
build up instead of demolshinc. to re-
unite instead Of Severing. to lead erring
ANA foolish ones back into the fold in
stead of scattering the flock. often had
h by his eloquent and moving appeals
sent husband and wife. weeping back
int" each Others arms. Frequently he
had coa"hed childhood successfully
that at tho psychological moment
'and at "A given SIgnaD the pIaintive pipe
"f "l'apa won't YOU tum home adam to
m" and muVv"r?" and won tn" day and
upheld the pillars Of tottering home
nprrjudired persons admitted that
Lawyer Goorh received as big fees from
those rey"ked clients would have been
paid him had the case been contested in
court. Prejudiced ones intmated that
his fees We're doubled. because the peni-
tent cOupI'S always came back later for
the divorce. anyhow
There cam" season in June when the
legal ship Of Lawyer GooCh ITO borrow
MS own tiEur"' WIS nearly becalmcd.
The divorce mill grinds slowly in June.
1t is the month of Cupid and Hymen.
Lawyer G"och. then. sat idle in the
middle of his c!entleSS suite. A small
anteroo:n connected. or. rather, separat-
cd. this apartment from the hallway.
Here was stationed Archibald who
wrested from visitors their cards or oral
nomenclature. which he bore to his mas
ter while they waited
Suddenly. this dav there came a
great knocking al the outermost door
Archibald. opening it, was thrust aside
a. superfuouS hy the visitor. who with
out due reverence at once penetrated to
the Office of Lawyer Gooch and threw
himself with good ma tured insolence into
a comfortable chair facing that gentle
man.
You are PhineaS C. Gooch. attorney
at-law? said the visitor. his tone Of
voice and infection making his words at
once question. an assertion, and an ac-
cuSation.
be1ore committing nlmSeH DIV reply
the lawyer estimated his possible client
in one of his brief but shrewd and calcu-
lating Elances.
The man was of the emphatic type
large sized, active. bold and debonair in
demeanor vain beyond a doubt slightly
staggering. ready and at ease. He was
well clothed. but with "a shade too much
ornateness. He was seeking a lawyer,
hut if that fact would seem to saddle
him with troubles they were not patent
in his beaning eye and courageous air.
My name is Gooch,' at length the
lawyer admitted. Upon pressure he would
also have confessed to the Phineas c.
But he did not consider it good practice
II volunteer information. Il did not re-
ceive your card" he continued by way of
rebuke. q" so l.
Il know You didn't" remarked the Wis
itor coolly, land you won't. just yet
Light up?" He threw leg over an arm
of his chair and tossed handful OF rich
hued cigars upon the table. Lawyer
Gooch knew the brand. He thawed Just
enough to accept the invitation to smoke
You are "A divorce lawyer" said the
cardless visitor. This time there was no
Interrogation in his voice. Nor did his
words constitute a simple assertion.
They formed a charge-a denunciation-
as one would say to a dog: You are