davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1911-10-13
ACCORDING TO SAMMY

man. jest say the werd, and III see you
hoam. I ust to drink myself. and I
no how 1t 10. Old spoart. the friend of
yure buzzum viii see you hoam safe
and sound.
G, Kop
Thares a pleeceman avn the korner.
sed pop. Wich thare was.
Is that you're son and dawter with
you. sed the man with one side OF his
hat mashed in. I no its not yure dawter,
old spoart. its Jest like me to say that
to make her feal good. shes old enuft
to bs yurs mothir.
You get rite out of heer. sed ma. I'm
going to tell this pleeceman to lock
you up. you see II don't, nevir saw
such brazing impertends.
Very we'll, old spoart, sed the man,
wat must be, must be. I am truly sorry
for you. And he termed erround and
wawked to a tree and leened agenst It,
I hope thares nuthing in enything he
sed, sed ma, and pop sed, Sertenly not
I nevir saw the man in my life be-
foAr.
The Washington times., 1911-10-13
By George Fitch
The Author Of Siwash College Tales

There are two kinds of street cars
bad and worse. In the bad kind. you
have to pay your money before you
get in. In the other kind, the company
takes its chance. In the latter kind.
the conductor climbs over the passen-
gers TO get his fares. In the former.
the passenger climbs over him. Con-
ductors assure US that the '.pay-as-you-
enter" cars are an utter failure, and
that the price Of living is getting stead
lily higher.
The street car refutes the old SUPER
stIuon that you can't put two things
in the same place at the same time.
Long after a street car IL entirely full,
people keep getting into 1t. We are told
by scientists that street car Goes not
become profitable unless II has fringe
Of passengers hanging from the straps.
1t Is much more comfortable, therefore,
to contribute to the expenses OF COM
pany than 1t 10 to swell its profits. In
England they use cars with roof gar
dens. which enables them to carry two
layers Of passengers at a time. In this
country. however, We are more scien-
tific. We carry three layers In one
story cars. Owing to the exertion OF
arranging the passengers, our stI vet car
conductors break down at An early age.
and become ssrdine packers and cotton
balers.
Because Of the vast number of street
cars In America and the waning popu-
larity OF walking as an exercise. the
feet OF this nation will soon be cal
ioosed on the upper side only.
Copyright. 1911. by George Mathew Adams.
The Washington times., 1911-10-13

Of the water started on tho long tour.
And you have the nerve to tell me that
aside from his salary Of no.oss a year
that he has lately fallen heir to
$4,000. Oh phswyi phswyi
please Algsrnon, ret out And
sweep the snow away from the door,
step SO grandpa won't slip. This
thing really gets my goat Why the
salary alone takes my breath away
and then when he has . NTH of q mill
lion slipped to him without any effort
on his part other than tho use OF dis
oretion in pickin' out his parents. IL
stuns me. I'm taxin' the count why.
If any one had ever told me that q
press agent could pull off-what's
that? He wasn't q press agent? Oh
the routing agent. Jim Decker. oh.
Well. that's q horse OF another tint.
suppose that he will corn bins busi-
ness with pleasure and manage to get
open time for the Hippodrome In case
that little organization Is ever sent
abroad.
But can you imagine itf Enply
turnin' around when the news Of the
windfau comes In and saytn', Lee and
Jake, like my ten thousand q year.
but here's where pull of; the BIZ
rest. Ne for . Cooks ticket a. lonS
rs the overture to william Tell and
ounch OF travellers checks, Tell the
girls in the Kiss waller Co. roodbye
for me and address my mall for the
next six months in care of EUROPE.
Ia ia.
That's Coin Some
And when you chew It all ever
that's goin' some. But I'm sure rs-
Iievsd about one thing. and that 10
that 1t wasn't . press agent thss
pulled this vacation stunt. And ths
reason Of 1t u that I think Decker
had to nnd a press agent to pvt the
story over.
The next thing you know Jim
Decker will be havin' his diamonds
stolen"
The Washington times., 1911-10-13

Ny. wat q mise sevning. ssd pop
to ma last mite, lets take wawk and
aftir We get tired We can drop in
at a moovins pickturs show.
I'm agreeable. sed ma. and sed.
Can 70 to. and pop sed. II you
don't keap asking to meny kwsstshuns.
Aftir We had bin walking . vile.
q man with his hat mashed in avn
one side calm up to pop and sed.
Hello. old spoart. watts the good werd.
Hurry avn, pop sed to ma. the
mans bin drinking.
Don't ysu rsmsmbir me. ssd the
man, holy q. the old spoart don't re-
msmbtr me. wat DO you no about that.
holy q.
No Exkape
Pop took . hold of mas arm ana
walked fastir. but the man with one
side Of his hat mashed in wawked
fasttr to. ony ne almost fell down
KUN avn, old spoart. he sed. try to
rsmembir me. I'm one Of the best fol-
los that svir was and enybedy that
cant remembir me, its thare mtsfor-
ehune. Don't you remembir that say
littil books party, old spoart, he sed,
ware one Of the korus gerls calm up
and kissed you avn yure bald spot.
That's ware 70 met me. old spoart, don't
you rsmembir that. he sed.
rsmembir nuthing, sed pop. t.ie
jdeer Of sutoh impsrdents. Now be awf
with you or III hand you evtr to Z
lplesceman.
o, the iruny OF thst. sed the mar
WITH one side Of his hat mashed In, the
iruny OF that. Not ony does the spoar,
net rskusniss the friend Of his buxzurn
but he looks At him savidgs and
thretins to hapd him ovir to . pissco
man. o. wo 10 me. he sed.
Are you going to 20 away, pop ssd.
Old spoart. sed the man. you mus
Of bin drinking, or else you wood rex
'ugniss the friend Of yurs buzsum. d.
you want me to see you hoan. he ssd
Go away. ! tell you. pop ssd vsrry
loud, nevir saw you in my life befoar
and nevir wunt to see you agsn.
That's swl rite, old spoart, ssd th'
The Washington times., 1911-10-13

harder. He wanted to know what to
@sar at 6wede wedding.
I'm going to . Sweds wedding to-
s'Sht." he says. Whats the lay
Say. It was my chance to shine. If
Y there's one thing / pride myself on
Its my versatility-some word that
and iNt him have q hunk of It,
i2- "Swsds wedding. sure" says
Red shiES with big black dots in
:. It groen and yellow necltie. soft col
y lar Ysu can get them all right
- And he got them. and after I'd
y sTngged about 1t q bit. forgot all
= about him. He blew in again this
d morning. There was fire in his eye
and q club n his fst. Let mo inter-
Tpolate right here that paid him his
4 money back and didn't insist ON the
return of the Swede wedding outft.
Il Do you know what had happened ,
He said swell wedding" and that cold
!. tn the head made II sound like
e 6wsds" He wore the duds, and,
well. as say, was glad to get OF
Nth refunding the money and losing
0e EtAd rags.
The Washington times., 1911-10-13
Was Light Upstairs.

"Gobsa Golde. the well-known club
man, was found by a police officer.
very late one night. in a pitisble state
Of intoxication. The wretched fellow
stood beneath a lamppost, which he was
kicking with might and main.
Slightly amused. the policeman
watched him q moment. Then he said
Here. sir. what are you doing
there?'
mo reply. Only-bang. bang, bang
Gobsa dealt the lamp-post three more
kicks.
What are you doingr repeated the
policeman.
"Gobsa delivered another quick volley
of very furious kicks, and then, looking
up, said: "Oh. / know she's In all right,
cause there'sh-hic-a light upstairs
Exchange.
The Washington times., 1911-10-13

the bay Of a hound mingled with tho
Bay Of Biscay.
The two mysterious men grasped
hands.
You're q stranger" said one.
You've noticed n?" replied the other.
Each winksd one eye.
What diabohcal plot was here? Some
where q clock struck thirteen minutes
after six.
IT'S been four years since met you
lest" continued the FIRST stranger.
Yes, It must be-" said the second.
because it's been at least a year and
half sinoe I met YOU. Just think how
many ladynngers you could have con-
sumed In that time!'
Have you heard about my new in
vsntionr'
mo. Have your"
Yes. Yeu take three bananas before
their eyes have opened. and stand for
twenty minutes on steam grating. lt
makes q great drink"
Slowly. a bell tolled. 1t was the sup
per bell summoning harmless iunatics
from al parts Of the asylum grounds.
The Washington times., 1911-10-13
Vest Pocket ESSAYS
of humanity. 1t is an automatic
enforcer of democracy, and is our
Drawn for TIE waahiasten Times.

"HE street car Is the mixing trough
Of humanity. 1t Is an automatic
enforcer Of democracy. and is our
greatest proof that all men are
equal. The street car takes the million
aire. the society leader. the minister.
the gambler. the poor immigrant and
the plain drunk who meet nowhere else.
and 1t mixes them SO thoroughly that
at the end OF Ave minutes the Million
aire is holding the plain drunk on his
lap, the gambler Is leaning on the min
ister's bosom and the society lady's hat
pin Is in the poor immigrants eye.
The street car Is another reason
why they have had to put adding ma
chimes in the recording angels office.
The reason why more men do not 60
insane trying to drive automobiles is
because they have previously ridden
on street cars. The street car Is q
short. narrow box stall on wheels. II
has two rows of seats. which are only
visible after business hours, and a sci
OF brakes powerful enough to throw a
200-pound man thirty feet when the cal
stops. Some motormen get 80 expert
that they can throw a large mar
agains the rear door at a small mar
against the front door. and make q
bulrs-eye every time.
The street car. as Its name implies
The Washington times., 1911-10-13

transformin' lumber habaons
Mother and father had quite about what with
brother he'd
thing left put him work
make a to
q DOCTOR beneftn humanity and all that" she
Pity the Poor Physician
Perish the father "That
crowded that doctors operan each other all
If the boy benefit humanity make him
q
their families country
.centious upright the ony thing that keeps the roof from
and Joiner and he afford to charter Make him
after hes thirty yn make clients where
he lives.
We'll them" mother make him lawyer All they
do sit in court and talk the Judge and the
fast they have hire stenographer and things
says stenoeraphers and things
help EN- It, The
call lawyers
There. Of sm that the judge: on all for @
good plumber make much O O.
solder that he's ashamed let give him his dinner
The Washington times., 1911-10-13
He Looked Confused.

Mother lin her daughters boudoir)-I
like that young man exceedingly.
While he was in the larlor waiting for
you. ! happened to go in and sur
prised him reading the Bible. The silly
boy looked dreadfully confused. Just as
II true piety were something to be
ashamed of. / soon set his mind at
rest on that point, and he seemed
quite relieved.
The Young Man (at the club)-That
girl Is thirty years old. I saw II in
their family Bible.-NeW York Weekly.
The Washington times., 1911-10-13
THE STAGE DOORKEEPER

: II ses." said the stage struck youth.
'that ono Of the shuberts agents IL
gsin' to take q vacation. incidentally a
trip around the world
"What7" yelled the stage doorkeeper.
y = do hope that you're not stringin' me.
like to believe that such things can
happen In this material age.
It's Beyond Belief
but really It Is beyond belief and
won't fall for 1t until read In the cable
dispatches that bs IL on the other side
The Washington times., 1911-10-13
A Figure OF Speech

what has become OF that msn
who used to say he was . servant of
the psopie7"
"Ths people had to let him So." re-
piled Farmer Corntosssl. He got ts
be one O. these hired men who stand
around salkin' when they ought to
be at work"
The Washington times., 1911-10-13
Their Size Did II.

Citiman-Yes. I'm looking for a
house. The reaches in the house where
We arc now scare my wife almost to
death.
Subbubs-That SO? Nothing scares
my wife but mice
CitimanThats Just II. these reaches
are as big as mice."-Catholic Standard
The Washington times., 1911-10-13
Too Much Work,

An Atchison business man who has a
small store, recently hired a clerk who
was very shiftless. He didn't half at
tend to his duties. "I think I'll have to
hlre another clerk" said the business
You ought to- was the reply:
there too much work here for lust
one clerk. .-Kansas City Star.
The Washington times., 1911-10-13
Couldn't Afford To

Did you smuggie in anything this
time from ParisT
No. indeed. my dear; you know IL
Is very wrong to defraud the govern
ment that way. And tbsn. my hus-
bands business has not been so rood
this year, and we couldn't afford to
risk the heavy fnes."
The Washington times., 1911-10-13
It's Beyond Belief
Our Kaberdasher
SAYS, "His Error"

i He was hard-looking guy, hadn't
been to . party since he shed knee
pants. I guess. A slight cold in the
Head made him look even a little
The Washington times., 1911-10-13
She Was Puzzled.

want to know it, 1 married you for
your money.
sRe--l wish I could tell as easily
what l married you for.-Boston Tran
script.
The Washington times., 1911-10-13

infests our streets. 1t can be found
either a block ahead OF where you are
or waiting behind six coal wagons two
miles to the rear. 1t averages six miles
an hour when you are aboard and try
ing to catch a train, but when you are
ing at a speed Of 100 miles an hour
Sometimes a motorman has run by SO
many people on the corners that he
has to lose his trolley to avoid getting
In on time
The Washington times., 1911-10-13
Rays of Light
From Everywhere
ENGLISH Joke FOR TODAY

Apropos of the zoo. the sss-'E Em-
Mount-the- Elephant brigade wishes to
register an emphatic protest against
that 70 with 1.-THE Pink 'Un.
The Washington times., 1911-10-13

HERE'S no doubt about it, Belle, the workin' man
Is havin' his day. Baseball pitchers are gettin
EouC year ana orieklayers are gettin - gay
and on Sunday plumber looks like bank
president with a red tie.
1t used to be that every family man in town,
from the mayor to the lamplighters, used to have
. burnin' ambition to their enter pro-
fession. but nowadays the ony professions that
ain't ovcrcrowded are the professions with union
labels their letter heads, such the profession
for treatin' sick and stovepipes the proes
The Washington times., 1911-10-13
Way Up North; Or,
Mysterious Words

1t was rather north. The sky was
dull leadsn gray. and in the distance
The Washington times., 1911-10-13

EAREST: Your somewhat rucfu letter about the
N black walnut bureau and the carved easel came
i III this morning, and, deaf, had to laugh, but
know how feel and just how feel about
EA ~ these of generations that thrust
i W .1k[I
- II WN4 There ought a superstition started that
f13\1SSN it's bad luck newlymarried people old fur
1 niure else there ought to be law requiring that
all ugly furniture and china in household should
w. be burned when the people attain their
NV majority
IA -- OF course we'll take the bureau the
mothers hideous Helen
and the awful dishes that had been Great Aunt aon
we do?
Mary took everything, bought
little of the stuff and sold to the second hand
That good perhaps could
the theory that the freight would much take
The Turning Point of Romance
That would be rather mother wouldn't it?
there oughtnt laugh After ALL it isn't the hord ugly old
furniture of the Victorian that It's
all these people going path
the turning point of share happiness
ought
They be able say, WELL gave
chairs; helped they fixed their
things like that add their happiness much they
add to perplexites
speaking perplexies
furnishing do day? thirty-two
the morning after wedding announced but
There thrill the eping
of business in wetobe but
third lost the touch of the personal them and
: Is all
Little Premonitory Thrill
Shall write and thank the things
I'd like to do it may love write
such little premontory thrill of wdom have the right
send such letters.
But OH dear January be farther off than
OF and in spite of the long,
done Bother things done
rush swiftly the telegraph by
meeting. oh wish our e"a wa. 0 pon %
The Washington times., 1911-10-13
Got the Sack

Poor Jim the postmsn has got the
sack"
What torr'
ITO carry his letters In. of ooursa"
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-07-30

, Grace. mercy and peace to Brother
L. G. Moseley, of the Danville Metho-
dist. who has recently been tempted
doubtless to give expression to thoughts
that we have no doubt fairly burned
within him. but who has in the spirit
of the true Christian. denied himself
the privilege OF answering a fool &C
cording TO his folly. Brother A. S.
Gravely, of the Henry Bulletin. as
sures Brother Moseley that ne pos
sesses the confidence and affection Of
his brethren of the Press of Virginia,
and that they will continue to say
good things about him because they
could not say otherwise. Brother
Gravely further assures Brother Nose
ley that "the newspapers have gem
orally a pretty good nose for de-
tecting good man as we'll as the
other kind. and they are generally as
frank and liberal In their praise Of
the one as in their condemnation Of
the other" wherefore. Brother Nose
ley. be of good cheer. and accept the
assurances of the most distinguished
consideration Of your brethren OF the
Press.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-07-30
HOURS OF LAnoR.

What the trades unions in the sew
eral European countries have achieved
in reducing the hours of labor may be
ascertaned by reference to the table
of international statistics just com
piled by the London Times Twenty
five years ago the twelve hour day
was the rule and not the exception in
most occupations. To-day it is the
exception, the average being nearer
ten hours. Uniformity has not
yet been accomplished, throughout the
trades or in the various countries, but
the trend toward fewer hours is plain
~ discerniblc
There are about 100000 organized
laborers in the United Kingdom and
In the other European countries. II
they had failed to organize, most of
them would still he working twelve
hours the day. There are still long
hours, as will be seen from the sum-
mary given below:
Austria Legal maximum eleven
hours. but often exceeded under per-
init.
Gcrmany-Eight hours for under
ground miners. eight to ten hours for
State railway employees nine to ten
hours for factory workers and in the
building trades.
Italy-Ten to eleven hours in facto-
ries and workshops.
Belgium-Nine to eleven hours.
France-Nine to eleven hours, twelve
TO fifteen hours In unorganized trades.
Nethcrlands-Ten to eleven hours IN
most industries.
Denmark-Nine to ten hours.
II is noted that where organization
is strongest hours are shortest.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-07-30
TIE GoD-FnAn1Nc MoRxoxs

According TO the. Rev Frederick
Vining pastor'of the First Methodist
Church of Ogden. the halfm,l,ion
Mormons OF Utah as a body are "pray- :
Ing, Bibler reading, law-abid!nr thrifty
God fearing men and women: America
has no more strong genuine, devoted
Christians than some OF the First
presidency. apostles and leaders Of the
Mormon Church" Can 1t be possible
that we have been misjudgine these
good people all these years? that we
have taken account only Of our pre-.
JUDGES and fears, and not OF the truth
about them and their really high char
acter? DIR. Vining has lived among
them for twenty years. and he thinks
he ought to know as much about than,
as the birds Of passage who have drop
noa down for day or two or for a
month to pick UP material for news
paper and magazine articles from
which we have inferred that the Nor
mons were devils incarnate, lustful,
1isorderly. rnurderously inclined. hor-
ribly oppressed people intent upon
breaking all the laws OF continent
living and clean thinking. This Meth.
od'st minister writes to The Outlook,
Of which The Colonel is Contributing
Editor. that the Mormons hate the
iiquor saloon. love education and
music. have sent more than Ave thou.
E..Y, e. ~
yerslties in this country and Germany
and that polygamy is dead in Utah
al assertions to the contrary notwith.
standing The Mormon young men
are said to be very fine fellows, physi.
caiiy. mentally and morally. and we
take It for granted that the Mormon
young women are beautiful and &C.
complished
DIR. Ening says that what utaf
needs to-day is not night on Mormon
ism. but a common fight OF Mormon
AZ 4 Methodist. Protestant and Cath
alic on sin: not bitterness but broth
erhood: not missionaries 10 CONVEX
Mormons but missionaries to say,
thousands of American boys adrift Of
our city streets; not chasm between
Gentle and Mormon. but union 0
the strongest leaders OF hoth type
II Christianity TO build between thes
mountains the best kind of christiani,
on earth" says the Hartford Courant
which is our authority on all matter
Telating TO Mormcnism, coming fror
Methodist minister in good and reg
aiGr standing, this certainly has tn
interest ~ the unexpected" surol.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-07-30

however, the courant does not think
that Brigham Young's picture should
be placed on the silver service that is
to be given to the battieship named
In honor of the State which he found
ed! The Utah OF his day and gener
alton was not the Utah of the present
'altruistic times. Polygamy was prac-
ticed then even as it was practiced
In the faraway Bible times. and polyg
amy is opposed to the American idea
that no man should have more than
one wife. and some men. we Will say
In Connecticut SO as to be on the safe
side should not be allowed to have
any wife at all.
1t surely is news" to us that polyg
amy is dead in Utah. and that the
Mormons are a fine people; but there
arc great many things the Gentiles
do not know, and 1t is we'll that they
should be Informed. SO that they might
refrain from casting stones even at the
Latter Day Saints.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-07-30

only tho other day Attorney General
"ickersham was urging that the Gov
eminent should fix the prices at which
articles OF interstate commerce should
ne sold. Why would 1t not be a wise
settlement OF the Alaskan question for
the government to develop it's mines
ana forests and fisheries and railroads
with Its own employees, and turn the
Prohts of the venture into the public
treasury? We might convert the Ter
ritory Into a sort of American Siberia,
OF convict camp, and thus keep the coal
and iron and gold and fish in the hands
or tho people. Keeping everybody else
out except tho Government. the cry
could never be again raised that some
body was trying to get rich at the ex-
pense of the people. There is a deal of
foolish talk about monopolies and syn
dicates these days, and the right way
TO keep them out of Alaska is for the
Government to work the Territory
for the profits in the business. In the
meantime. we would suggest that all
the pioneers got out and leave the
country to the Government