Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1911-03-26
WHAT ALLIED ALICE
BY WILLIAM WALLACE WHITELOCK

A LICE was out of sorts, that was plain.
\ What allied her was another matter.
Alice's mother, who was romantic, feared it
might be love; Alice's father, who was liter
airy and given to the English classics, called
it "vapors, and as everybody knows, at
seventeen years of age this is dangerous
disease, while Alices brother, who was
"horsy," called it "Bosh!"
"Shes off her feed, that's all's the matter
with her." he declared unsympathetically:
What she needs is little arsenic mixed
with her bran and turn round the track
before breakfast. Then get one of the stable
boys-maids, l mean-to give her good
curry and rundown, and she'll be feeling her
oats so you can't hold her. She's likely
enough filly-"
But here Alices mother interrupted.
We'll take her to see DR.. Patchem!" she
declared emphatically: He has sympathy
and understanding He knows the heart Of
anybody can"
DIR. Patchem knew the heart of. woman
Che was nerve specialist), and he diagnosed
the case as nervous exhaustion complicated
by atrophy of the ganglia," and advised
travel and distraction
"Stir her up, awaken her INTEREST,"" he
said "What she needs is change of scene,
new faces, new thoughts She's played out
by the monotony of life. That's the way 1t
is at eighteen"
This advice sounded plausible; but un-
fortunately there was no one free to 60 trav-
cling with Alice, so she was forced to remain
at home. Her condition did not improve,
and finally her father announced that he was
going to take her to see DIR. Cutler-he was
not going to have his child fade away before
his eyes, while he stood idly by and did
nothing!
Accordingly, Alice was hustled off to DIR.
Cutters Office.
Dr. Cutler was specialist in appendicitis.
Everyone he saw he imagined was victim
of this fell complaint. He viewed the world,
as it were, through an appendix. He had
removed more of these superfluous pendants
than any other ten men in the profession,
and only ffty-five per cent. of his patients
had succumbed. His own was the only ap-
pendix of his acquaintance in its original,
normal habitat.
Hum! 1 thought so!' murmured the
great man after examining Alice. "Appen-
dix affected. Get her on the operating table
without moments delay, or l won't answer
for the consequences! A bad case, very
bad easel"
"Stuff and nonsense!" declared Alice
angrily. my appendix is no more affected
than yours. I'm not going to be operated
on, and that's all there is about it, and
with that she clapped on her hat and walked
out of the office.
GOOD for Alice!" cried her brother, when
news of the affair reached him. who ever
heard of two-year- old like her having ap-
pendicitis? Now, if she takes my advice,
She'll go round with me to the veterinary's,
and he'll give her"
Rut Alice refused TO take anvone'S advice
She intended to take her own case in hand,
she declared. AS first step thereto, she
scrubbed letter to her cousin, Jack Lamb
ley.
DEAR JACK (she wrote).-It's been aw-
fully good of you to keep me supplied with
candy the way you've done; but I've decided
in future to cut it out The next-to-the-last
box gave me nervous prostration. the last box
appendicitis, and I'm afraid the next one would
give me epizootic. Come and take me for
horseback ride. ALICE.