davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1907-1939, 1911-03-25

N TEIN LIEBER LoOEY-ve hat e.
N ceifed your letter from Pawtucket.
~ r. l.. und We vas glat dot your
healt' remains stationary.
VIC vas all veil at home nit der esgscep-
ton dot your Aunt Louisa Diffenbauer is
now py our house to make a short visit
vich will last long as our patience can
ST -. der strain.
Aunt Louisa vas your mudder's aunt.
Looey, but, chez viz!
You hat read. Looey, dot book py Differ
Wendell Holmes called der "Autocrank Of
der Breakfast Table" amt you?
Veil, such is Aunt Louisa. only more so.
including der lunch table. der dinner table
und der glass OF beer table yust before bed
time.
Your Aunt Louisa believes dot converse
tioning vas inwentioned for her eggsclu-
siye use, und she uses it eggsclusively to
der eggsclusion of all udders in der room.
Language is der same to your Aunt
Louisa as settler is to a highball-vun OF
der necesaries of life.
l huff to sit around der parlor. Looey.
und listen at any person discussioning der
topics of der day. und if vunce in a vile
dey permission me to come IN nit ia or
"Nein" | feel dot life vas worth lifing.
But no human being efer got chance to
say ia" or "Nein" vile your Aunt Louisa
vas talking.
Much easier is it for a camel to so
through der eye of a noodle.
you will recollection. Looey, dot your
Aunt Louisas husband. vich vas called
Uncle Gustave Shauerbath. left dis world
so suttently dot der Coroner hat to hold
post-morbid eggsamination.
Der post-morbid found dot Uncle Gus.
tavc hat died from rush of words to der
sarahbellum.
Der Coroner found upon organization
dot all of desc words formerly belonged to
your Aunt Louisa, nit der eggsception OF a
few vich vas vunce der property of your
Uncle Gustave's favorite bartender.
Der Coroner never tolt your Aunt Louisa
der painful truth. He vas afraid she
might hand him fatal rush.
You know, Looey. We luff to hat ali our
relations come by our house und visit NIT
us so long yot dey conduction demselfs in
a manner vich is pleasing to der intelleck
out Aunt Louisa is der limick-der far-off
und much removed limick.
Here is a woman. Looey, vich comes to
our house as a guest, uud der fairst morn
ing she is mitt us she arises herself at
sefen tirty, goes direct Ply der kitchen uud
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1907-1939, 1911-03-25

and phlosophize thus in the tranquil as
surance that there was no ono awaiting
you when you got home. and that. there.
t~.e. you could drink as much as ycl
chose. But soon began to realize that
half the fun in drinking is in the anticipa-
:: of what will hapr I to you when you
get home. And l had become so accus-
toned to doing nightly patrol duty with
an infant under each arm that for the
first few months I couldn't sleep until l
had carried a pillow for at least seven
IS around the room.
= ore my lawyc~s had my case well I
hana a counter suit was filed by my wife
against me for desertion and conduct not
becoming the dignity of : respectable
married man. ] went up to - :er
apartments the next day to try to ofer her
n cash inducement to agree 10 separa'
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1907-1939, 1911-03-25
WHY O
By G. w. TerluiLZiger.


A FTER l had been married several
~ years my business became ID
4 heavy that was compelled to
re-. up n few days in the country. The
very day of my return / found my wife
busly submitting 10 the kisses OF
French Count Her reason for such pro-
lo. Ted ecstacy was the fact
couldn't stop him. as she didn't under
I'D French. The best thing could Cd
was to apologize for being late.
Ecalizing that there we're mc1y othor
languages with which she was but @Nyht'
~ acquainted. 10 sue for div
and become n free again.
After the unfortr~ contretemps
VIII have related I took my tooth.
brush (the rest OF my possessions W
and went to the club. where ! spent mitch
time In drawing with my fellow sufferers
conclusions on married life.
We found that to a man marriage isn't
cry. because in a lottery :ou st.
sos,s show OF winning. Woman usu-
claims that she IL ing all TIE chances
H. matrimonial melee. Sic Is. The RI
h. II n chance in the world.
We figured love as disease OF the
art affecting the mead, ana discovered
til. woman no n marries her !
a. the fashions changc-also that you
ca" always tell ma ron from Gin,
men. The latter haze no buttons on t. :
shirts: the former have no shirts.
CO people claim that married roop's
live longer than e. = ones. . i'm
sion gained cred. - y because single
=, :, don't see anything to brag CT in
living to an old age. With married people
II Is different
II men would only stop trying TO sup
mort scalskin wives on woodchuck sala.
ries they wouldn't have to sit up n -
figuring out how IN live as cheapiJ
rs one.
Many people ciai""-d that I was too
y for n woman of my wifes age. but
] made up tho difference by ne ey"~1-
- nr,'y fast ! think my wife was AL
right when I treated her right, but
treated her too ofttl.
~ucss l must hr'~ been afraid women
we're going to be scarce. but the crop h:
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1907-1939, 1911-03-25

hc'd cut wonderful. II '~' only i----'
- what do now a.. women / wou'
stir be sewing my own buttons and
darning my own s--,ts.
used to wo.-'', the Ground she
" ed on. but liti~-'' ever il i
changed my feelings. She used to say she
would die for me. Why didn't she?
Nowadays a young man should be we'll
on before contc~,plat'~- marriage Most
OF us are well off. but we never realize it
untii afterward. Also every young man
should, see that his wife has a substan.
tia. allowance 1t is only just and will pre-
vent her from lying into his financial
affairs 1t should be settled on =. just
before marriage-by her father
wives were less expensive long ago
Look at Adam. Eve cost him only "one
bone Ihey were not happy either.
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1907-1939, 1911-03-25

In view of the character she was able to
give me. her faults began to slowly lc-
their enormity and mine to greatly in
crease You see it often happens that a
man is almost as mean 20 his wife as she
is to him.
l. was a matter of but a few short
months before we were again on I basis
of speaking tanceship-othe-wise
known happy married life. Like many
another man. 1 wanted a wife and home
the second time, to get even. l pay all
the bills. ask no questions, and am as
happy as-well. as happy = any married
II can be. My wife always has ! little
surprise up her sleeve to be used at
moments notice, and whenever my affcc-
tons need little awakening she never
hesitates to use it. She makes me think
l am lord and master, and l bask in my
blissful ignorance.
A saucy kiss, whispered word of love,
mschievous twinkle of the eye and a
roSuish dimple make me almost forget
that | am a married man and compel a
desire for hours of wooing to win her all
over again All that. and a smile with me
when l smile (for woman likes smile"
occasionally as we'll as man does) has
almost taken me out of the class of Hen
peel. and tends to make our lives one long
honeymoon.
1ncompatibility covers a multitude OF
sins and is the axle on which all divorce
cases revolve. My wife tore its definition
out of my dictionary so that in the future
could not lay any further blame at it's
door. If her tactics fail once in awhile
she claims she had to work hard to secure
me the second time, and there are times
when she ought to have a rest.
The statement of President c. Stanley
Hail. of Chicago University that so per
cent of the college women invariably
turn out old maids has forewarned my
wife. and she claims a public school ed,
cation will be good enough for her chill
dren.
Scientists claim that it is a mild form
of insanity to wish to become married.
The learned doctors have nothing the best
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1907-1939, 1911-03-25

der kitchen table NIT nearly two hundred
pounds of imported Irish anger sitting on
her und poking her in der short ribs NIT
der broom handle.
Den der cook vent und got her hat und
left after it had taken your mudder two
weeks und nine intelligence Offices to find
her.
So soon vot Aunt Louisa recofered her
breathing material she vent ouid to der
barn und began 10 scold der coachman be-
cause he gate der old brown mare too
much oats.
IVY is it your pitzness vot l feed der
horses?' inkvired der coachman, polite
fully, but nit der rising infection on der
last syllabus.
1t is my pitzness," set your Aunt Lou
lisa. because Offer in my belofed home in
New Ctersey l am der secretary of der
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1907-1939, 1911-03-25

nATROLMAN MARTIN J. KEEFE. OF
I the Twenty.third precinct. tips the
scale at 800 pounds. Like all fat men. he
IN good naturcd and never loses his tenn
per.
As he was leaving the station house one
night last week he collided with an &C.
tress who was just coming In to have the
lieutenant adjust a little dispute with
taxicab chauffeur. The collision knocked
all the wind out of Martin. but when he
was able to speak he said. with smile:
Madam, that Is what you might call
literally running up against the law
"rve run up against the law before.
officer" replied the lady, viewing Keefe's
bulky form with surprise. but I've never
been up against so much law at one time"
sv7HE,N Lieutenant Charles Place. OF the
w Slxty-third precinct. takes his wife
10 tho theatre she never objects IL he
GOES out between the acts to quench his
thirst. Mrs Place realizes that her hus-
band might still be a plain patrolman in.
s,cad OF a lieutenant II he had not stepped
out OF theatre to get drink.
II happened years ago.
Patrolnian Place las lie then was) took
his wife to the Bowery Theatre one after
noon At the end OF the second act
Charlie took advantage Of a moment when
his wife's head was turned the other way
10 sneak outside in search Of little liquid
refreshment.
Having hurled down a couple OF high
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1907-1939, 1911-03-25

beginning to sprout demselfs
"Desist!' she eggsclaimed at Chloe. but
der only Enklish dot Chloe understands is
der noise of der dinner bell und his wages
efery Saturday.
Chloe, der Neapolitan, continuationed to
weed.
Dis vas a desecrationment." set your
Aunt Louisa Offer in my belofed home
in New Chersey l vas der wice-president
OF der Society for der Prevention of der
Remoofng of Weeds, unit it hurts me to der
heart to see desc gentle leedle Wild things
pulled from ouid DER mudder cart Ply
alien hands
Chloe, der Neapolitan, continuationed to
weed.
"Mebbe. some day. vun Of dose weeds you
va grabbing at nit vicious hands VII
grow up to be cree.' SET -FOUR Aunt Louisa,
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1907-1939, 1911-03-25
NE HARLEM HUSBAND
DIDN'T GET A DIVORCE.

OF us. Any married man will INN
tell you that he was crazy to WITT
get married. + III
II we don't marry the women Hl
they will ultimately drive us from III
all occupations. But what Of that? ~
We ought to be satisfied so long <
as the work is done. IW
The learned Doctor Cyrus Ed. ~
son says that the grip is caught III
through kissing. yet many a kiss F.
has caused man to lose his grip WI
kissing is really an unhealthy pro- IL
ceeding - il the girls father S-
catches you. mp
Nine out of ten young men who N2I
enter the tate of matrimonv are ~
struggling along. But it ayaiIs
them nothing, and usually the
harder they struggle the easier it
is for the women.
When two loving hearts are -,ado ors
the man usually gives his name and the
woman takes it-that gle and take"
game never lets up during their whole
married life.
DID you ever figure out why widow
marries so easily? Because dead men tell
no tales. Man lacks perfection by one rib
yet when he marries and repairs that loss
by securing his rib back again omen
claim he is more imperfect than ever.
Up-to-date people place no credence in
that old axiom faint heart ne'er won fair
lady"-many man marries because he
hasn't sufficient nerve to back out the
last moment
The usual courtship may be likened to
toboggan coast down hill together After
marriage comes the uphill game and the
man is found pulling both oman and to-
boggan. Nevertheless, all married people
are not unhappy-only the men. No man
can realize how happy he is until he
marries-then it is too late.
Nature has made some wonderfully
agreeable blunders-one of them IS nv
wife. She, like many other women. is
sometimes wrong until lie c: s-then she
is right instantly.
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1907-1939, 1911-03-25

Der goods store and buy couple OF
lengths of fire hose
WHEN big Bill' Hodgins was Gear
" OF the Tenderloin the police patrol
wagon drew up In front of the Casino
Theatre one rainy night.
The unusual spectacle OF the covered
wagon. with it's green lights and uni
formed policeman on the drivers seat,
standing In the line of smart carriages
and automobiles In front OF the theatre,
caused big crowd to gather. Frank Hen.
nessey, manager Of the Casino. rushed out
excitedly to the sidewalk.
What is the meaning Of this outrage?"
he cried to the cop on the box. There's
nothing to raid here"
With much dignity, the portly figure Of
Captain Hodgfns stepped out of the wagon.
With him were two men in correct eve
ming attire.
Don't be alarmed" said big BILL"
These gentlemen are friends OF mine.
They came to visit me at the station house
this evening on their way to your thea.
tire, and as 1t started to rain l loaned
them the precinct wagon to keep their
clothes dry"
WHEN prisoners are arraigned before
" Lieutenant O'Connel, of the East
Sixty-seventh street police station, for in
toxication he always gives them a lecture
before locking them up. A few evenings
ago welldressed man, slightly under the
influence Of liquor. was brought into the
station house when OConnel had the desk.
why don't you REFORM" demanded the
lieutenant. "Whiskey never did nobody
no good. Take my advice. my friend. and
sign the pledge tomorrow"
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1907-1939, 1911-03-25

How many days was it
fore they were
evicted?
I h o ideal quiet
married life. to my
mind, would be a deaf
and dumb couple liv-
ing in Philadelphia.
Wouldn't that be I'M
speakable happiness?
At first it was
most enjoyable to sit
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1907-1939, 1911-03-25
t1ING1S THAT HAPPENED TO POLICEMEN

Copyright, 1910. by American Jouns
generally has his clothes made to meas.
ure. But on his day off last week he had
to get pair of trousers in a hurry. so he
stepped into Sixth avenue clothing store.
The proprietor of the store waited on
Bill himself and brought out all the extra
long -legged trousers he had in his stock
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1907-1939, 1911-03-25

Examiner. Great Britain Rights Reseryed.)
None OF these fitted the lanky patrolman.
however. the longest of them stopping
short at the knees.
At last the clothing merchant gave up
in despair He looked at Bills long, thin
IS and said:
I'm sorry. my friend, but l can't do
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1907-1939, 1911-03-25

anything for you, and, what's more, I'm
sure that no other ready made clothing
store fit you
But l must have a pair of trousers to-
day. protested Files.
well, II l was you." said the clothing
man. I'D go across the street to that rub
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1907-1939, 1911-03-25

DATROLMAN BILL FILES. Of the Nine
/ teenth precinct, who was the sparrins
partner of James J. Corbett when the lat
ter champion, is one OF the tallest
men in the department. and as thin as
rail-
Because OF his unusual proportions Bill
The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1907-1939, 1911-03-25

l have gradually become more docils
every day. My wife has will Of her own.
and l am the sole beneficiary. So. gentle
men. be happy to-day. for tomorrow you.
too. may be married. Just remember
when your wife gets ,ngry to grab her
quick and hold tight (e.ery --.an has
legal right to hold his OWN until she gets
over it.
My wife's anger dissipates in Tx.
can speak in many languages. but hers Is
one tongue I shall never be able to
master. In that respect she is like some
folding beds-she can't DC properly shut
up. My only weapon on such o>c2s1 ms is
silence-never possessing that. she cannot
retaliate In kind
But l love my wife. God bless her
sometimes.
After all, she is still a conundrum-but
what's the use of giving Ter up?
BY the way, should bachelors be taxed?
Yes-for marrying.
The daily star-mirror. (Moscow, Idaho) 1911-1939, 1911-12-05

out in cash for threshing, making the
total cost OF saving the sixty acres of
grain in this way average S49o per
acre.
For heading and threshing rs acres
| paid out in cash $315.75, or an aver
age of $421 per acre.
Now with the idaho machine I cut
and threshed sixty acres of barley and
one hundred and ten acres of w,eat.
or total of one hundred and seventy
acres of grain in all, at a cost of II per
acre and the bigger part of the dol
lar came to me.
81 got as much grain with the Idaho
as l did with the binder or headers and
thresher, although l wasted quite a
bit of barley when l first started be-
cause my horses were afraid and l did
not know exactly how to run the ma
chine. l did better though as l went
along and the last eighty acres / fig
ure l did not waste hardly any.
81 lost exact track of my barley
yield because my hired man fed a lot
to the hogs without keeping account of
it but it averaged little better than
fifty bushes as it was, while my wheat
averaged better than forty bushels.
My grain was well headed but it
froze out during the winter and was
not thick enough on the ground
MY horses went into the work in
poor condition and I had four mares
in the team with sucking colts. 1t
worked them pretty hard, but if they
had been in proper shape the work
would have been no harder on them
than is the other farm work.
81 did not try to make as good time
as some of the other boys, but took
things slow at first, making better time
toward the last. l averaged 10 acres
a day through the harvest and allow
ing SO a day as wages for myself, SOC
day for each of my horses, (that be-
ing the price 1 have always had to
pay SOC per day for oil and Incl
dentals, and $3.50 per day for man
to sack the grain, you can see it only
cost me 81 an acre to harvest with
the Idaho and l only had a pay out
a small part of this
Nov, every man to his own notion"
continued Mr. Chase, "but as for me
III take the idaho machine and the
three to four dollars an acre it saves
me in handling my grain. Then too,
it settles the labor question and does
away with the bother of having lot of
hired men to cook for and worry with
The daily star-mirror. (Moscow, Idaho) 1911-1939, 1911-12-05
DETECTIVE FINDS
PARENTS IN CELL

MILWAUKEE, Dec. 5.-Not to have
seen his parents for 10 years and
during that time to have had no
knowledge of their whereabouts, then
suddenly to be brought face to face
with them in the penitentiary at Wau-
pun, to learn that his father and moth
er were serving life sentences for MUIR
der-this was the experience of Henry
j. Funk, a Chicago detective.
The story was told eX-Judge Emil
Walber and later to District Attorney
label. The incident was the outcome
of a detectives visit to a penitentiary
for a prisoner District Attorney label
gave his Endorsement for an applica-
ton for pardon for the murderers.
In 1898, Albert Funk and his wife,
Bertha, were convicted of numbering
ali old soldier. The Funk children
Henry, and two girls, were visiting rel
atives in Chicago at the time. They
later were adopted and kept in ignor-
ance of their parents crime.
Henry, the oldest, was then Is. When
he grew up he became a patrolman in
Chicago and later was promoted to the
"plain clothes" squad 1t was while
covering an assignment to go after a
prisoner at Waupun that he found his
parents The state board is expected
to pass upon an application for free
dom within a few weeks.
The daily star-mirror. (Moscow, Idaho) 1911-1939, 1911-12-05
NOW ORGANIZING AT MOSCOW

western life and situations in man
ner absolutely true to life.
The cowboy characters are the real
cowboys as the western people know
them and not the over-drawn, revolver
shooting desperate of a tenderfoot's
vivid Imagination. He book we pre-
dict, will win for her many new
friends, of which she today has prob
ably more than any other western
woman. The Foreman of the JAS" is
story that will find welcome place
for itself in nearly every western
home. Price $3.50
1t is published by The Wyoming
Publishing Co., As Rose street, New
York, or may be ordered direct of the
author Mrs E. Joy Johnson, Lusk,
Wyoming. So
The daily star-mirror. (Moscow, Idaho) 1911-1939, 1911-12-05
COSTS OF HARVESTING
ARE COMPARED BY FARMER

Oliver L. Chase is one of the Camas
Prairie ranchers who purchased an
Idaho National Harvester this spring
Mr.. Chase has made this community
his home for the past 20 years; has
been successful in his business and is
respected and honored by all who
know him. Slow to Judge; firm in his
convictions; Oliver Chase is known the
prairie over as a man who would not
mis-state single fact, but as one who
can be depended upon to confine his
statements to what he absolutely
knows to be true, says the Grange
vile Globe.
Mr. Chase says he likes the Idaho
harvester; likes it's work; and likes
better the big saving it affords in the
cost of harvesting.
Yes, sir, like the 'Idaho,'" said Mr..
Chase, 81 like it so we'll that I would
not give it up for my money if | could
not get another
I'll tell you just why l like it.
When l bought my machine l knew l
had too much grain to harvest with the
one machine. l did handle about sixty
acres in this way, but when it came to
finishing up seventy-five acres of
school land had, found it more con-
venient to hire a crew of headers and
thresher that were near, than to take
the binder up there. SO in the one sea-
son | have had an experience with all
three methods of harvesting
II Kept track of the results of each
and found that the Idaho harvester
gave me as good results and was far
the cheapest and easiest manner of
doing the work
fNow the sixty acres l cut with the
binder cost me 75c an acre for bind
ing, 35c an acre for Irvine, soc an acre
for shocking, and l paid an even 5000
Cor an average of 1888 1-3 per acre)
The daily star-mirror. (Moscow, Idaho) 1911-1939, 1911-12-05

during harvest, to say nothing of the
trouble of getting the men.
yes sir the idaho furnishes the
easiest and best way or harvesting l
have ever tried, and as l said before,
l would not take my money back il |
could not get another Idaho"
Mr.. Chase's experience certainly
proves to the most skeptical the adj
vantage of the idaho harvester. His
accurate figures show that he saved
on one hundred and seventy acres
$66810 compared with his actual cost
of binding and threshing; or $546.7O
as compared with what it cost him to
head and thresh.
Here is food for thought for the
man who wants to make the most
money out of his business, and with
out a doubt the rancher who has his
own interest at heart will begin now to
make arrangements to harvest his
next crop with an Idaho National
harvester-the only machine that will
take his frain from field to sack for
81 per acre-and give him the dol
lar.
The daily star-mirror. (Moscow, Idaho) 1911-1939, 1911-12-05

After this the encounter was stopped
Although the writer who said Nine
Curie had eloped with Prof. Langevin
has publicly apologized, admitting his
allegation was untrue, the case has
come again to public notice through
the publication Of pamphlet by
Gustave Thery containing what is al
legged to be a copy of the complaint of
Nine. Langevin, alleging misconduct
on the part of Curie and Prof. LANCE
vim.
The suit will go before the court De-
cember 8. In the meantime polemics
ing journalistic duels.