The commonwealth. (Scotland Neck, N.C.) 1896-1929, 1911-08-17
QUEER K:nES IN u. S. PENSION ROlL
Would Puzzle FiCiiGn Writer'S 10 Evolve
Such List as is Found There.

poles, buzzards and goats are abou
the last things On earth that ont
would expect to find drawing pen
sons from the United States govern
ment for service during the war
out nevertheless they are actually
on the rolls as pensioners or appli
cants. Not only tadpo!es and buz
yards, but beets, kidneys, her
rings, oysters, socks, grasshopperS
and many other strange sounding
things that would seem to be al
home almost any other place in the
world but on the field of battle.
That such a queer assortment OF
veterans or veterans relatives has
existed was learned through a pc
culiar coincidence. Three officials
Of the pension bureau, unknown to
one another, had been impressed by
the oddity Of the names coming
under their jurisdiction years ago,
and each had kept pocket nemor-
andum of the freaks against
some time in the future when he
would assemble them. The three
CHANGED to bring up the subject to-
gether, and after they had recover
ed from their surprise compared
lists and compiled conglomcration
Of names that not even the most eX-
uberant fictionist could duplicate.
The collection represents a pleasant
and amusing labor of ten or fifteen
years, and hardly could be matched
in any other bureau in the world.
Some Of the names are so ridicui-
lous that it seems a wonder human
being could assume them and live,
but their authenticity is vouched for.
They are or the rolls of the pension
bureau and under these names pen
sions have been paid, are being paid
Or the applications are pending.
None OF the names has been altered
so much as a single letter to make it
appear unique. It would be impos-
sible for any one to make parallel
list without enormous research;
moreover the perusal Of the pension
,yuvK ~ persons 40. ,,.---!l-..y I: -. 1.
so is prohibited by law. As the
oddity Of the names was emphasized
better by assembling them in groups
the three officials did this.
First comes a group with a patri-
otic streak, such ss NJ. J. Yankee,
Preserved Ireland, Mexico Washing
ton and Alfred ConstaHtinople Then
follow few in the hardware line.
like Minerva Hatchett, John Ham
mer and George Ax-all we'll de-
serving Of pensions If they lived up
to their names.
Peter Beets, James Beaa, Susan
Gale, John Carlick and Daniel Mus
tard are associated with John Meats,
John Ham, Thomas Tongue, W. II.
Lamb, David Mutton, w. 7. Kidney.
Samuel Heart, William Fish. Samuel
Crab, William Oyster and John
Herring.
One Of The most peculiar, and its
peculiarly is the more pronounced
because it is written clearly with a
hvphen, Is Adam Buzzard, and fly
ing neck and neck with Buzzard
come George r. Swallow, Thomas
Lark, William Fowl, Hiram Fowler
and Pleasant Green Swan.
Then there are John Poppil, David
Apple and a few doing luncheon
business, such as John Gobble, Jacob
Meals, Enoch Fritters. Henry Pam
cake, John Crumb. Charles Dry
bread, George Goodbrea1, Thor as
Butterbaugh, Irwin HuckleberIy,
Gooseberry, John Jelly, Tom Cherry,
Adam Apple and Sandy Dates.
William Roof, Margaret Floor
and josiah Door might well mingle
in the building business, but Sarah
Razor hasn't a close friend in all
the lists.
Isham Vinegar heads a combine
ton that would make Raines law
climb tree if it saw him coming,
for there are with him J. z. Dry,
John Sourheer, James Sherry and s.
B. G0odale. In the haZy background
can be heard Andrew Laugh, David
Jolly, Jane Shriekinggoat, Anguish
Smith, Dreary Graves, Daniel Death
and Mourning Ashby.
Elkana Dampman, Louisa Wet
right, Thomas Rain, William Hail.
Robert Dew, Davis Moist, Jeptha
Showery, Milton Sloppy, James
Blizzard and Seacat Showers proba-
bly, are weather prophets. David
Tadpole, Cochran Roach. Robert
Gait, Frank Coon, Henry Deer.
Amos Hogg and James Pigg are also
in the list.
The cream Of the list is an aggre-
cation that exudes a religious at
mosphere. For instance, Susan Sun
low Chrictian Eacterdsv Philin