davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29
OI1ITE THE CONTRARY

"Pshaw! There's no fighting along the Mexican border"
 You are greatly mistaken. A cock ing main was held in Juarez the other night in which there were r events A HANDICAP FOR SCHOOLMARAIS.
 "A pretty school teacher''--
 You are going to tell me about some- thing you read in a newspaper
 How did you guess tnat?''
 "All school teachers who figure in newspapers are pretty
 Quite so. Well. as I was going on to say, pretty school teacher, whose first name was Kitty, wrote Roses red and violets blue, sugars sweet and so are you' to one of her boy pupils and lost her job
 I'm not surprised. Any pretty woman is apt to be sentimental, and when her first name is Kitty, she is invariably SOL
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29
BUFFALO BILL DECIDES
From the St. Louis Times

from the St. LOUIS I1Hles
 The announcement that Buffalo Bill has decided to go into politics. and his announcement that he Is in favor of votes for women, is interesting, particularly in view of the reasons the great scout and marksman has offered. His argu- ment that women should be given the ballot is along entirely new lines. When you were @ youngster and got into trouble, you went to your mother, didn't you: Sure you did. You never thought your old man knew anything, did you Sue ycu didn't. And yet the old man s always been permitted to vote.' This may sound like sophistry to good many men, but is 1t? On the contrary. is il not pretty likely that the famous marks man has taken the old Long Iom' of human logic fin hand, even in his ad- vanced years, and made a center shotY
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29
Leaders Wanted in the G. o. P.


 AS the time approaches for the meeting of Congress the republicans begin to pull themselves together and to look for leaders. In the Senate Messrs. Hale and Aldrich have been placed on a lame-duck commission and their places in the Senate must be filled. And a man is wanted as floor leader who can "hold down" Senator Bailey in debate, and there are not many who can do that. Sena- tor LaFollette is not lacking in cour- age or aggressiveness, but Senator Cummins of Iowa is more practical and he is strong man and his power will be felt on the floor even if he does not in all respects take Aldrich's place. Senator Borah is the other strong floor man of the republican side, and both of these western men are at heart insurgents. No matter who may become the titular leader of the republicans in the Senate Sen ators Cummins and Borah will be held in reserve whenever Senator
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29
DREAM.

When your heart is heavy, heavy
 Comrade, when your heart is sad, Dream the sun is always shining
 Hopeless pain you've never had. Dream you dwell amid the roses,
 In a garden sweetly fair Taking happy leave forever
 From the phantoms of despair? When your heart is heavy, heavy
 Comrade, when your heart is sad Dream the luck will mend tomorrow And the world will make you glad. Dream you hear enchanted music
 Drowning sorrows hollow sigh, And the troubles that oppress you
 Will grow lighter, by and byi
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29
EARNING HIS WAY THROUGH LIFE

FrOnl tTle ChIcagO Record-HeraId.
 How does it happen Willie?" asked the boys teacher, that you always have so much money?"
 q earn it."
 You earn it? How?'
 By takin medicine Pa paid me 50 cents for tallin a bottle of some kind of oil with fishy taste, and ma gave me a quarter for taliin' a bottle of something with iron in it. and I'm tryin' to get grandma to give me dollar for takin' a quinine pill every night for month. If can't get her to make the bargain I'm goin' to let pa give me a dime a day for takin malt or somethin
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29
THE CUSTOMS ACQUISITION


 From the New York Times.
 If one depends on "tips" for infor- nation he is sure to be led astray one time or another. The New York custom house has been depending largely on tips" to discover dutiable goods, un- declared, in the luggage of returning travellers. The inspectors on the steam ship piers have been enabled, through 1n- formation received through special agents and ordinary gossips. at home and abroad, to prevent some smuggling. There have been some notable cases in which men and women of high social standing have been unhappily involved. Doubtless the customs men have prided themselves on their triumphs.
 By the employment of the same dubi- ous means. however, they reached Q deplorable result in the case of the Hull family. The outrageous treatment to which the women in that family were subjected, for no other season than the transformation possessed by the inspect ors, will cast discredit upon the work of the custom house. The lucky finds of the pagt year will be forgotten. as the methods employed to secure them never had public approval. There is likely to be much indignation throughout the country.
 Collector Loeb should take steps not only to prohibit such outrageous pro- ceedings in the future, but severely to discipline all of his men who have been at fault in this matter. The customs inauisition io deservedly unpopular in the best circumstances. Nothing resembling it is tolerated in other civilized coun- tries. In Sthe case of the Hull family it turns out to be absolutely unjustl- fed
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29
ON THE TRAIL OF A JOKE

Irwin s. Cobb, in Every ybody's Magazine.
 A REALLY funny idea has long, A. long life and merry one. I've known funny ideas that had grown sixteen rattles and a button, and were still wagg.ng along steadily. The joke lasts; it's the poor fellow who first thought it up that wears out. A humorist working by the day at Denver Col, we will say, has a funny idea. It's a bully funny idea. It comes to him like a bolt from the blue. He's incoming along with out a cloud in the sky, or a leaf stir ring, and all of sudden-bang there is the idea sloshing around in his brain, making trouble for the old settler ideas that have been there all along. It is a noble and a precious and a priceless thing, and he figures he ought to get as much as seventy-five cents for it. So he clutches the new born treasure to his bosom and runs to the office and commits it to paper while it's still pink and palpitating. An editor 1ances it in a vital spot with a pencil and drains a little of the life blood out of it. A printer intersperses a typographical er-
 
 the most harm. proofreader has his little fling at it. and finally, in crip- pied but still attractive state, it sees the sarsh light of day. and takes it's foot in its hand and starts on its travels
 A paragrapher in Houston packs it down into a line. A versifier in Duluth stretches 1t into jingle and sells it to comic weekly with large tonsorial parlor and day coach circulation. The man who writes the syndicate theatrical letter for the Sunday papers turns it into bit of repartee and says Willie Collier said it at the Lambs to Wilton Lackaye in the presence of John Drew. William Gillette and Al H. Wood, all Of whom laughed heartily. By turns, 1t is an anecdote. a bon mot. an after. dinner speech, an endmans means of visible support, Q popular song, an apt retort,
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29
The Iron Market

'The pig iron market has been very quiet for the past few days, but it is firm at $11 for No. ?, Birmingham" said broker.
 Inquiries have been Very brisk since the first of March, but tonnage contracts have been smaller than I had predicted. I think April will be a better month, and May a still better one. The statis- tical position of the market certainly points to higher psice level in the near future. For fall delivery the price is al ready up, and in the next few weeks I look for an advance of at least $1 a ton.''
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29
IN HOTEL LOBBIES
Wilson or Harmons

T am of the opinion that Woodrow Wilson will be the democratic nom- inee for President in 1912," said a mem Der of Birmingham's Virginia colony who has been a close observer of po- litical conditions since the early 70's. Governor Harmon of Ohio, who has been of national prominence since he was in President Cleveland's cabinet, has the respect of the country and has won warm admiration from democrats generally. The fact that he is serv- ing his second term as governor of Ohio makes him a possibility in 1912 but could Governor Harmon carry his state in national election? I think not. Ohio is rock-ribbed in its re- publfcanism, just as Pennsylvania and other republican strongholds are. When Pattison was elected governor of Penn sylvania on the democratic ticket back in the early sos he loomed up strong for the presidential nomination in 1884. By the way, Pattison was chosen gov ernor just about the same time that Grover Cleveland was elected governor of New York. Then the question was, which of the two would stand the bet ter chance for the presidency. MT. Thomas F. Bayard was a candidate for the nomination and he had a splendid organization back of him, but his state, Delaware, being so small, weakened him. and, according to my recollection, he came nowhere near getting the nom- ination.
 MT. Tilden, who was elected Pres ident in 1876, but failed to take his seat, positively declined to allow his name to be presented to the conven- ton in 1880. but in 1884 Virginia and several other states had instructed for him. He seemed to be wavering He was then an old man, and was sup posed to be in feeble health, but it looked to many of us democrats as If he were in a receptive mood. How ever, MT. Cleveland was chosen stan oard bearer. and was elected, carrying New York by the skin of his teeth. Governor Pattison of Pennsylvania was a high type of man and would have made most excellent President, but, notwithstanding the fact that he car ried state overwhelmingly republican, when he ran for governor, Pennsyl- vania gave its accustomed republican majority in 1884, and it would have done the same thing had her dstin- euished democratic son been the can oidate for President. It will be that way with Oh.s
 With President Taft as the repub- lican candidate Ohio will be solidly re- publican in 1912. I believe Governor Harmon is particularly strong in the east and he seems to be quite strong in the west. We will have the solid south next year just as We have had u in the past, no matter who the stan dard bearer may be.
 The democrats have been out of power so long that it will be a pity If we throw away our opportunity of victory in 1912. Woodrow Wilson would certainly carry New Jersey and I be- lieye that he could carry New York. Say what we may about ignoring New ork, it will be just as much of a pivotal state in 1912, just as much of a stratgetic state, as it ever has been. 1T the democrats go in to win they Will have to put up a man who ca carry New York, and the only man in sight who can do that, in my opinion. is Woodrow Wilson"
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29

From the Mobile Register
 Birmingham, the Magic City" the ''Pittsburg of the south," which, for lo these many years has boasted of its progress along all lines, its quick ac- eeptance of everything in the line o1 modern improvement and it's thorough cosmopoitanism. has issued an edict against the harem skirt, positively the latest and most fetching creation of the dressmakers or trowsermakers' art, and Tot even in the alleys and the byways of Alabamas live metropolis will it be allowed to appear. Not only that, but any female person" who adorns her self with the harem apparel of the un- speakable Turk will be liable to a fine of anywhere from S1 to SlO0.
 That the female person of Birming- ham will resent this infringement of her inalenable rights is almost without question, for the disciples of pr. Mary Walker care not if their apparel results in riot and bloodshed once they have set their dear minds to adopt it, and mere man. with all his greatness. is but a stuffed image where the right of woman to wear whatever she peases is con oerned Let the dear creatures adopt the harem skirt and the police. even the militia, will be powerless to gainsay them.
 In the meantime Alderman Frank Smith of the Fifteenth ward, Birming- ham, who drew the ukase against the harem skirt on the ground that the ap- pearance of female person. on the streets of the Magic City, in the trowserlike garment would have much the same effect as a lighted match in a powder factory, is still alive, al- though a brigade of female persons in zouave brooches may be expected to take the trail after his scalp at almost any time.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29
Prosperity Ahead

No matter how quiet business may be throughout the first half of the year there is prevalent opinion that it will be very brisk the last half,' said John w. Marsden of Philadelphia.
 General trade was fairly good a few weeks ago, but just now there Is a lull l think there will be an improvement in April, and with big crops assured, the early summer trade will be better than usual What all business interests are looking forward to is the railroad con- struction work that must be done in tho near future.
 There is hardly a railroad company of extensive mileage that will not have to be double-tracked or rebuilt within the next two or three years. Double tracking has got good start in the south, and it is safe to say that inside of five years the principal lines will ne double-traciled. The rapid industrial and agricultural development in the south will require vast railroad improvements The double track will be a necessity Some of the big roads have already be- gun to buy rails on a large scale, and by next fall there will be an enormous buying movement of iron and other things that enter into railroad material. IS I think they will there will not be an idle furnace in the Birmingham dis trict this time next year"
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29

been estimated at 3O0,0O0 but the census bureau gave 1t only 22S,92S, as compared with 204,731 in 1900. Many wealthy resi- dents of Louisville, said Mir. Russell, have recently built fine homes outside of the city limits. A great many wage workers have also moved outside of the boundary line. and while they are all part of the real Louisville, they are seri- ously missed from a census table point of view.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29
REFLECTIONS OF A BACHELOR

From the New York Press.
 Character is very creditable, but coin buys more roast beef.
 All the world takes a shot every chance it gets, at a good reputation.
 Experience can teach a man most any thing except how not to waste his money.
 A girl whose hair curls naturally seems to be able to burn herself with the tongs as often as if it didn't.
 The great trouble with saving money is people begin to econonlize not while they have 1t, but after it is gone.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29
For to be wise and love Exceeds mans might; that dwelIs witt gods above.
 -Troilus and Cressida.
First Cyclone of the Season

The warm season of the year was heralded on Sunday afternoon last by the appearance of cyclone in Mon- roe county, the first of the season in this state. It was fiercely destruc- tive, sweeping away three small towns, Manistee, Excel and Whatley, and crossing the entire breadth of the county. The path of the storm was not more than half a mile wide but in that path it wrecked houses and great trees. One man was killed and about dozen injured. Many sought protection when they saw the storm coming. It occurred in daylight hours and this enabled cautious people to escape the wrath of the winds.
 Cyclones are bred in the changing weather, but how or where is not ac- curately known Nor can the ap- preach of one be foretold any better than it could have been a thousand years ago. No one pretends that these destructive whirling storms can be controlled when they have once taken worm, and no one has any remedy against their formation. Cyclones baffle even people that have learned how to fly. The entire story of cyclone formation and force is one of the secrets of nature that she refuses to give up
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29
WORK FOR A PIANO TUNER

From the St. Louis Globe-Democrat
 Every man can find work if he uses his brains," Andrew Carnegie said in an after-dinner address.
 "We should all be like the piano tuner I once met out west.
 ".Nhy,' I said to him-for we were in a wild, unsettled country surely piano tuning can't be very lucrative here I shouldn't imagine that pianos were very plentiful in this region"
 "'No. sir, they're not said the piano tuner, but I make a pretty fair income by tightening up barbed wire fences'"
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29

catch line, a space filler, set of verses, slogan and a parody
 Thus, in easy stages, it reaches New York. At first New York receives it dubiously on the principle that anything worth happening at all would naturally have happened in New York in the first place. But, after due thought, Klaw Ss Erlanger or the Shuberts decide that it is susceptible of a Broadway and Forty second street setting and would there fore make good musical comedy No sooner said than done; in fact, some times even sooner than that. They hire Harry B. Smith to write a book around it, which he does some morning right Brothers do the songs, and it rims foy nine months in one theatre and then goes on the road for two seasons, paying in royalties s1o.OO0 which is exactly ST. .25 more than the fellow out in Denver got.
 But the end is not yet In the mean- while it has crossed the seas to the Mother Country, where, after being care fully sterilized, deodorized, searched for concealed deadly points, disinfected, and furnished with footnotes, a chart, glossary ,and set of plans and speci- fications, it becomes a regular English joke and appears in Punch It is then copied back on this side by the Evening Post. Nine years later the Boston Transcript prints it with a credit to Harper's Weekly. And then some hoary- headed old doodle-bug of an antiquarian crawls out from under log in the woods and produces the proof to show that it was stolen from Charles Lamb, who got 1t from Aristophanes, who copied it from one of the Pyramids, but that it's real origin is lost in the midst of prehistoric times.
 For, when all is said and done, real humor is even as bread cast upon the waters-it returns to you after many days with somebody else's name signed to 1t.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29

key to the gardens and suggested that the children's shelter be decorated with a series of panels setting forth Peters adventures for the pleasure of the chill. dren who had become his friends. Then
 MT. Barrie offered to present a statue, for tho spot where Peter landed from his fairy bark. The idea was hailed with enthusiasm, and was approved by the late King Edward, who was consulted. Now il is to be carried out.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29
A MAN OF LEISURE.

'The man who was here just now seems to know great deal about run ming a newspaper"
 "So it would appear"
 "Is he a publisher?'
 NO. He has never been connected with a newspaper in any capacity fYou surprise me. What business is he engaged in at present?'
 "Well, to tell the truth, he Is not &C., lively engaged in any kind of business just now. You see, his wife has been very successful In operating a boarding house."
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29

The ideas of President Taft and Sir Edward Grey in regard to peace may be day dreams, but such dreams lead on 10 a higher corelization.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29

Japan is studying aviation and some tend to invade this country by the sky route. This is no silier than the rest of the anti-Jap talk
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29

Tailors are cherishing the belief they brown clothes this summer, but it IS plain those tailors have another guess coming to them.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29

Mir. Haldane. the British secretary of war; has been devoted" to the peerage. but American heiresses should take mo- tice that he is married
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29
FOLLOWS HIS MOTHER

From the Harvard Lampoon.
 In the house of a prominent BrookliEe Unitarian. the small boy, aged 5, was asked, Johnny, are you going to be a vegetarian like your nurse?" No. Tn, going to the church my mother goes to-
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29
A EQRTIrNATE MAN

A FORTUNATE MAN. Didn't Wrinkle start a little garden?" "Yes" What luck did he have?"
 "The best luck you ever heard about. The alarm clock Wrinkle bought to wake him up early in the morning, so he could chop weeds in his little garden, failed to work"
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29

The Easiest Way" has been suppress ed by the mayor of Boston, and this en- sures its success throughout many sea- sons in the provinces
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29

The little daughter of Carter Harrison begins to think she can not elect her father mayor because his opponent, Prof Merriam, has ten children.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29

Despite all caucuses and all consulta- tions the democratic majority in the New York legislature keeps right on voting for Sheehan.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29

The San Francisco doctors say Jack Johnson has a skull that is phenomen- ally thick. No one wishes to test it's thickness in the ring.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29

It is surprising how rapidly popular baseball players get into, mid-season form just before a regular season be- gins.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29

Diaz thought his place could not be fill ed, but he begins no doubt to see that he was unsound in judgment.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29

The Mexican congress is to meet April if the insurrectos do not change the programme.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29
RInING SERENELY

From the Jacisscn News.
 The Birmingham Age-Herald says that there are no Joy riders on the water wagon. Great guns, haven't you fellows fallen off yet?
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29

The Xray shows that Jack Johnson's S skull is one inch thick, and no one is oppressed with a desire to break it.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29

And now Wisconsin town proposes to tax all bachelor ladies who are more than 25 years old. But how Is the lady $ age to be established?
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29

Mexico is convinced that the nation is larger than one individual
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29

Tacoma's anti-treating ordinance made by women, is now to be enforced, and no one sees how 1t can be accomplish ed A
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29

Texas had no doubt ceased to remember the Maine.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29

It is no longer correct to say of Mex ican officials that few die and none re- sign.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29

Texas is feeling her oats in these days Of alleged maneuvers.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29

Newly-enlisted men may never live to see Mexico, for congress is about to meet.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29
FITTINGS THAT NEVER DIE"

By Charles Dickens
 The fine, the bright, the beautiful,
 That stirred our hearts in youth, The impulses to wordless prayer,
 The streams of love and truth; The longing after something lost,
 The spirits yearning cry, @# The strivings after better hopes,
 These things can never die.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-03-29
A BAs THE HAREM SKIRT.

Once again the backbone of winter is broken.