davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Daily independent. [volume] (Elko, Nev.) 188?-1915, 1911-11-03
On the Shelf.

To the married woman and TO the
spinster alike II is always a shock To
find that parties are being given for
a younger set to which they are not
bidden. for the realization that these
younger members of society are class.
Ing them as "old" Ia not altogether
pleasing. To tho married woman this
experience usually comes later than
TO the unmarried, for she will be
asked TO young gatherings when
spinster several years her Junior will
be omitted. Whether this is because
her husband Is still reckoned attrac.
tive, though married, or because OF
her utility as chaperon, is an open
question. but the fact remains. Ono
spinster lately confessed that for sew
eral days after her first experience at
being left out Of a party she almost
pinched herself. saying, Can this be
! that am 80 slighted?" for she dearly
loved to dance and never had been a
wall flower. Now she says she has
slowly but surely been Telegated to
the dinner set. and there she cuts out
the debntanics At every chance she
gets In revenge.
Daily independent. [volume] (Elko, Nev.) 188?-1915, 1911-11-03
An Odd Instance.

"VesscIs are paradoxicai sort OF
things"
"HOw so?
They'll cut the wHter when they
want 10 make d fast knot"
Daily independent. [volume] (Elko, Nev.) 188?-1915, 1911-11-03
Universal Joke.

This might gO-perhaps II has gone
undoubtedly II wlll---ln New York
about Chicago, I'm Chicago about 81
Louis. in Cleveland about Cincinnati,
In Minneapolis about st. Paul, and 80
on. AT any rate, u teacher IN Port
land, Ore. was about to tell the pri.
mary class the story OF "The Miracu.
lons Pitcher" and as a preliminary
she asked: Now, how many OF you
children have ever been I'm very
small town? or course. Portland Is
large city; but who has been In
what we call small country vIllage2"
Numerous hands were raised. We'll,
Oscar" said the teacher, what little
town have you been ln?" "SGattlel"
answered the eager Oscar.
Daily independent. [volume] (Elko, Nev.) 188?-1915, 1911-11-03
should Walk Unrioh,

man should be upright. not bov.
DC kept straight Marcus AureII..
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-06-20
ACCORDING TOIS AMMY

is the most soothing thing in the
werld.
Well, then, sed Benny. lets us
steddy our nerves and ade our di-
gestun If the docktors ordired it.
Yure libel to get sick, he sed, If you
think you no moar than the doctors
So 1 got 2 matches and Benny lit
! segar, and lit l segar, ony at first
we coodcnt smoak them on akkount
of not having bit the ends awf, which
We did later.
Thirty-four Puffs
Wen 1 had pulled "a puffs on my
segar l felt funny as if I dident no
witch was outside and wich was in
side, and I looked at Benny and he
sed he felt the saim way, and he
sertenly looked It,
G, sed Benny, the docktor that told
you smoaking segars steddys the
nerves and AIDES digestshun must of
bin a pritty bum docktor.
Pew, sed ma, koming out on the
portch jest then, who's smoaking.
Aftir that I don't remembir mulch,
only when pop got hoam Benny and
me was in bed and pop sed we had
bin punished enuff. thawt we had
bin punis he'd to mulch and so did
Benny. l rote a pome about it.
Smoking is an orful thing,
1t makes you cry insted of sing.
l smoaked a half of 1 segar
And If you want to no moar WV lest
ask ma.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-06-20

Mr.. Johnson, witch is a CRATE friend
Of pops, was at our house last mite
and they smoaked segars with red
bands on them on the frunt portch
vile they tawked about the tobakko
trust and jacks up and other things
think you men smoak to mulch
sed ma; you've catch smoaked 3 Sc
gars this evening and I don't bleeve
yure satisfied yet
Wy my dear, sed pop, don't you nc
smoaking segars is the most sooth-
ing thing in the werld.
Yes, sed Mr. Johnson, it's the most
soothing thing in the werld.
Steddy Nerves
Eny docktor will tell you it steddys
the nerves and AIDES digestshun, sed
pop.
Eny docktor at awl, sed Mr.. Johnson.
Thare seams to be a remarkable
onionnimity of opinyun between you
gentilnin, sed ma, wich was awl that
was sed about smoaking then.
This aftirnoon Benny. witch is my
cuzzin, calm GROUND and wat did we
find on the portch but 2 hole segars
on the windo sill.
Benny. sed, did you no eny dock
tor will tell you that smoaking segars
steddys the nerves and AIDES digest
shun.
No doctktor nevir told me that, sed
Benny.
CESS you nevir asked eny, I sed.
And watts moar, sed, smoaking segars
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-06-20

That little article in the Blatt this
morning ought to bring US a lot of bust
ness" said the stage doorkeeper en-
Enthusiastically.
What was that?' asked the stage
struck youth.
do you mean to say you didn't read
it?' asked the S. d. K. We'll, you
ought to be ashamed of yourself 1t Is
one of the finest pieces of work that our
little press agent has put over IN
long time.
Strong Family Ties
ut is all about Mr. and Mrs. Bingle,
who are doing that old home sketch in
two, with all the down en- the farm
props. It's a good little act at that.
and always gets a hand like all the
rest of them that introduce pumps and
chickens and the west end of a donkey
or a COW sticking out on the stage.
Its real human interest dope and
all about a boy who's gone away to
make his fortune in the city and gets
in bad, and the old folks gum another
mortgage onto the farm and do a
bunch of weeps and not much else.
But all these city folks who left par
ents in the tank towns fall for the
stuff and get. their gloves all wet
wipin' their eyes. But last night when
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-06-20
Reddy Smith On
The Coronation

What gifts me, Jimmie, is why all desc
American people is maxim such uh hol-
Ter over de crownin' Nv some Of king,
dat don't belong in dis country at ALL
Now, I amt cryin' cause I amt got
uh whule lot Nv money like sum people
has; but it's uh measly shame dat all
desc rich Americans amt got no more
respect fur DER own country when de
presidents 'naugerated, an makes all
dis fuss bout sum king dat never did
dem uh bit NV good, an never will.
Yu hear uhbout Mrs. Moneybags git
tin uh private box at de corenashun,
an Mrs. Newly Rich gittin' smiled on
by de queen, an de papers make more
fuss uhbout ii dan dey did bout de
Dustin Nv de trusts.
An when 1t Gums tn de president S
inauguration, dere's not uh line morn
jes his speech an de number Nv sojers
dat wus in de parade.
It's uh shame, Jimmie, uh measly
shame, dat people don't think more Nv
DER own country dan dey do!
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-06-20
THE DOORKEEPER

the management pulled of the wed
ding anniversary stuff of the Bingles
on the stage with nineteen grandchil-
dren to come on and present them with
golden ash tray or finger bowl or
something like that It made a hit
1T was a great stunt to have all the
ktddies. grandchildren they called EN-,
on behind the bright lights. They must
have been some remarkable marriages
in that family. The kids to me showed
marked dissimilarity. There were
strong racial characteristics Of the
south of Europe and there was one that
would have sworn had Indian blood
in him. Somehow or other I got crowd
ed on to the stage myself, and in this
mornings article my picture is labeled
Henry. second son and father of seven
of the little darlirgs. If the wife sees
that there'll be a ruction.'
Borrowed for the Occasion
That's all very NICE" said tia stage
struck youth, but what was that
carryan waiting outside for last
night?"
That" said the S. D. K. was the
wagon from the founding asylum
waiting to take the children home.
They were only. borrowed for the oc-
casion."
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-06-20
Loretta's Looking Glass

are bent upon the beau and the play.
1t does not matter to you how much
you may inconvenience her.
There are mighty few houses where
the unexpected guest is genuinely
welcome. No one likes having the
hospitality of her home Just calmly
GRABBED. No living woman likes to
be literally held up for bed and board
OF course, now you are in the beau
days. But you Will keep up your i'm
position after you have. captured the
man. If you still live In the suburbs
you will Just run in for lunch" You
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-06-20
SIZE HOLDS IT UP TO THE
GIRL WHO SPONGES
A Few Years VIII Make
q Difference in q Girl

ought to be run out for lesson. But
no one can quite screw their courage
up to a place where they can be as
colossally impudent about withhold
ing hospitality as you are about TAX
ing II. Every time you want to do a
days shopping you economic on your
lunch by eating the bread of enforced
hospitality. 1t ought to choke you.
But 1t will not. There are some kinds
of people who cannot be choked OF.
You are one.
Your Laundry With Hers
There is another Of your obnoxious
kind who lives in a small town and
wants a vacation in large one. When
the days are the hottest and the
housekeeper Is trying to make life
easy she comes for visit. It's full
fillment of an old invitation. The
housekeeper may have asked you
three years ago to come at New
Years time and spend a week But
you come in dogdays and spend a
month. And you want to see the
sights! She has to go with you. Now
and then you boisterously and show
lily overrule her intention to pay car
fare. But you put so. much energy
into the one effort that you forget
II all the rest of the time. Why! you
even let her put your laundry in with
hers. and the washwoman strikes
when the thermometer is the only
thing that really enjoys being active.
oh, you human sponge! II only there
were a way to SQUEEZE you out Of
some of the benefits you SOAK UP!
Your palavering assertion that you
have had such lovely time" is mighty
been, for the money you have cost and
for the general arrangement of tenn
pers that your self-invited presence
has occaSionedA
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-06-20

ders. she was coming out at the Car
buncle ball.
The beautiful Mrs. Hinketty stopped
before Contantina Piffleheim and sur
veyed her pleasantly through her
lorgnette. "Ah. I see you are coming
OUT she commented. Constantine
covered her shoulders with her fan and
smiled slightly:
Sir Alphonse Smears paused a mo-
'-snt by the side of the fair debutanty.
Coming out, eh?" he said jovially,
Shaping her heartily on her capital v
back Constantine looked haughtily
through him, and moving towards the
doorway, slowly assembled the broad
stairs TO the balcony.
Coming out, Ell, Constie?" tvittered
Sissie Pluggenslice. six stairs from the
top, as she tickled Constantina's swan
like neck with one well-manicured
forefinger. Twas sufficient. Constan-
tina slid rapidly down the bannisters
and out Of society.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-06-20

the first time. DO you deal in ground
hogs?" he wants to know; and before
had time to close my mouth again he
beats 1t.
I told the boss about the bug Gus
toner, and he almost blew me out of
the window for not having brains
enough to see the fellow meant frank
furters-ground hogs, see? And the boss
makes a speciality of halfsmokes, too.
His brothers in the butcher line. The
funny guy dropped in again yesterday
and asked for Half dozen boxes Of
rush hour trolley passengers" And b.
faded again before 1 knew 1t was sar-
dimes he wanted.
I'll get him next time or shoot him.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-06-20
Humor Is the
Salt of the Brain
COULD FORGIVE HIM

She with coldly cutting severity
1 learned from one of your old school
mates today that you once wrote a
most absurdly love-sick poem about a
young girl, and 1t was published in
the Hightone Magazine.
He-Y-e-s. my dear. The girl is
now Mrs. Beetle.
What! That big, fat, greasy thing
with six children"
THE same"
"Oh! Well, dearie, I don't mind"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-06-20

Yet all he did not say IN that note OF farewell must echo and
all the questions he did ask lie there reeratng themselves
sternly in worried
Did help him with his lessons? Did
him and take an interest Did always
asked questions about something which puzzled him.
The Hard Path of Education
Did make him feel that took pride in his
and did teach him make conhdanes school
affairs that might with him of the hard path
education?'
And ah many other questions that like ghosts
reproch Them for almost teacher will tell the girl
fails school almost invariably the girl boy who
has supplement the work of the teacher who
o each child individual attention
Stupdit unfair to brand him wasn't when little
help little explaining of hard hard studies might
have him eagerly forward to success? And then
years wipe feeling
failure after ALL theirs and the boys Do you?
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-06-20
Well EulIipDed

Boston Maid Gin Hub bookstore)-I
am compelled to go to New York for
an extended sojourn. Have you a
New York guide?
Clerk regret to say, madam, that
we have not. ....s..
Boston Maid-How unfortunate
Well, give me a dictionary Of Ameri-
can slang.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-06-20
At Her Word

Tom-She said II any man kisse
her without warning she'd call tn
police.
Dick-what did you do?
Tom-Why, I warned her, of course.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-06-20
At the Table

Boarding housekeeper-There's a big
duty on meat.
Boarder Cat table)-Tough, isn't it
ma'am?
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-06-20
Wrong Impression

Fair Critic-Oh, Mr.. Smear, those os-
triches over there are simply perfect
You should never paint anything else
but birds.
Artist (sadly)-Those are not os-
triches, madam. They are angels.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-06-20
Our Grocery Clerk
Says Rank Rumor

don't know whether he's a low
comedian or just a funny guy, or what.
He blew in day before yesterday for
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-06-20
Assured

Doctor-Now that I've set your hus-
band on his feet again, you must see
that he gets more exercise.
Patients Wife-All right, doctor; this
bill Of yours will help. He'll be terribly
exercised when 1 show it to him.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-06-20

by his parents with his failure to pass his
examinations and deprived of promised holiday
because of his Stupidity l5-ycar-old lad com
mitted suicide the other day. leaving pathetic
little note for his gref-stricken parents, saying
you say you are ashamed of me because
am stupid; we'll, you needn't be any more.
Goodbye"
No. reproaches, no shifting of the burden of
his failure any other shoulders; just bitter
little cry against the shame that they heaped upon
him for failing in those long and dreary exam
nations that had TO be done while the June world
called and TEMPTED through the school room window
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-06-20
Constie's Coming Out;
A Society Tragedy

At lawst Constantine Piff1eheim was
absolutely to associate with her Shout
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-06-20

ENGLISH JOKE FOR TODAY
Baedeker who builded mot out Of his
head'O
The popular red-covered guide books,
is dead.
He helped (his epitaphers aptly may
note)
The untraveIed author to shine as he
wrote.-The Pink I'm.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-06-20
Confidence In Both

She-You Invent any confidence in
either candidate? ....
He-On the contrary, l have conf
dence in both. 1 believe all the things
they say about each other.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-06-20

ancient Egyptian ootpc He has the satisfaction of KNOWN that
might on'y hundred
and then again might "a used by the that first discovered
Turkish cigarettes think his Raneses-theyve got him
O. the boxes
way girls If you're stin'
white hands his and he knows you're
years DID, the mystery ends right there He knows
exactly what he's and that's bad mind for the
It's Best To Keep Them Guessing
told him Suppose
he's mentioned the subject you've him three then
him whether right He keeps right
there's thing keep
int'rest upt to the bolin' point, Belle it's guessn.
hooks and wonders he has the
uncertainty the old pfessor with the Egyptian
toothpick had
I'm tryn unromant Belief just show
that all alike.
81 if she's odern me?" he'll himself Il wonder
tell about girls wonder
yet Confound it, I'll the girl and make her
tell me-"
whether I'll keep o not.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-06-20
Too MANY Now

Ansley Ca visitor)-The population
of your town seems to be smaller
than 1t was ten years ago, when ]
was here before.
Staffiers Ga resident)-It is smaller;
ten years ago We had no doctors.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-06-20
Drawn for The Washington Times.

yIOU must be a terrible nuisance.
Not simply because 1 think so.
No, indeed! There are a num-
Der Of letters here on my desk all
asking that I write you up.
You are the suburban girl who
works in town. You have a decidedly
take-it-for-granted fashion of drop
ping down unlimited on some one of
your friends who lives in the city
You assure her as you come in from
the office and take possession of her
couch and her hospitality that you
knew she would not mind if you
stayed in town tonight and went~to
the theater. With feeling description,
you outline all the woes Of the sub
urban girl about her beauX. You
make 1t quite clear that 1t is per-
fectly impossible to go clear out
home after office hours and get
dressed to come back into the city for
the theater. And you enlarge upon
the fact that girl really cannot ex-
pect a man to come out to a suburb
to get her. Why, of course not. A
girl who asks any such ridiculous
thing would never have any beaux at
all.
For the Night
So you establish yourself for the
night with the town friend. Of
course, you would not for worlds
have her put herself out one bit for
you. You and she are too good
friends for her to make company of
you. Oh! you talk lot of nonsense
to inveigle her into forgetting that
you did not take the trouble-or
spend the money-to telephone and ask
il IL would be agreeable
Maybe you had a shrewd suspicion
that you would not be welcome. Pos
s!bly you thought you would rob her
of the chance to make an excuse. You
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-06-20

D you ever notice, Belle, that the more birthdays
you have the harder it is to keep the same agel
! had yesterday, but didn't allow the papers
to publish anything about it, because when girl
gets eighteen it's just we'll if she don't have
any more birthdays at all, first thing she knows
she'll be havin' too many, and birthdays are like
the department stores groceries-when you once
take 'em they're unbelievable and interchangeable.
Besides. though the men pretend they think it's
silly, way down in their hearts they like girl to
keep 'em guessin' about their ages It's the charm
of uncertainty, Belle, like when old moss
covered Or'fessOr is tickled to death hndin' an
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-06-20
OUR DEVIL WONDERS

II George Gould ever got as much
satisfaction over handling pass on
the New York Central as he did with
his first comp" for Uncle Toms Cabin.
The Washington herald., 1911-04-14
FURNISHED ROOMS.

Sos 1ST ST. NW.-FOR RENT-NEWLY
furnished rooms: gentlemen only. 10I
SOs 7TH ST. NW.-BEAUTIFUL ROOMS,
furnished, suitable for bachelors apart
ment or young couple: up loo
3l7 c ST. NE.-SEVERAL NEWLY
furnished rooms: near Capitol and Lii
brary; all modern conveniences. los
iS EAST CAPITOL ST. NE.-ONE
nicely furnished room for one or two
gentlemen; reasonable terms. los
sos EYE ST. NE.-NICE FRONT ROOM,
first floor; large room second floor 14
a4 B ST. NE. SEVERAL NICELY
furnished rooms, with or without l. b.
k: reasonable terms. 1O4
l22 5TH ST. NE.-SEVERAL NICELY
furnished rooms for J. h. X, near Cap
itol and Library: reasonable 104
3S41 nth ST. Nw.-MOUNT PLEASANT.
Nicely furnished second story front
room with alcove and large closet; close
to bath; elegant location and convenient
to cars lU9
WE HAVE JUST THE ROOM OR PLACE
you want. Our services cost you moth
ing: the one who has the room to rent
ROOM AND BOARD BUREAU.
1901 G st. NV, room 81. Phone Main 2752-
123
The Washington herald., 1911-04-14
RAILROADS.
gHESAPEAKE & OHIO LINES.

Published only information. not guaranteed.
1901 noon week days-Puman Parior Car Wash
ingtun TO Newport News Norfolk. and Old Point
Comfort via Wash. So. R.. F. T.. Richmond.
and C. & q. Ry. Dining car.
200 p n. daily-wESTERN EXPRESS to Viz
ginia West Virginia and Kentucky points Pull
man sccpcrs TO Cincinnati and Louisville PsrlOr
Car 10 Virginia Hot Springs week days. c. o.
dinirs car.
go p m. daiIy-sT. LOUIS-CHICAGO SPE-
CIAL. Solid train to ST. Louis. with Pullman
sleepers TO Chicago stops only at mportant sta
tons. Pullman's finest equipment and {. o.
dining car, service Ia carte.
II 10 p m. daily-F. +. V. LIMITED 10 the
West Southwest and Northwest. Pullman secpers
TO Virginia Hot Springs Cincinnati. and Louisville
Cincinnati sleeper open for occupancy 10 ?. m.
C.. & o. dining car. service Ia carte.
Ticket Offices, SIS Pa. ave. 1893 T St. and Union
Station Phones. Main 1866. sI6 and 1880.
The Washington herald., 1911-04-14
NoRFoIK & WESTERN RWY,

SCHEDULE IN EFFECT OCT. .. 1910.
Leave Washington. New Union Station.
900 A. m.-Daily-All points on Norfolk and West
ern.
1910 D. m-DaiIy-Roanoke Bristol. winston-Sa-
lem Knoxville Chattanooga. Nashville. New Or.
leans. Through Sleerer. Dining Cars
4:io a. m.-For Bristol Knoxville. Chattanooga
Nashville. and Memphis Washington -Memphi;
sleeper open 10 p. N.
For Nmfolk-Lcave Washington. 4 % a. m daily
arrive Norfolk II ID a. m.: Rol noon daily srrvs
Norfolk $40 D. m. weekdays. Leave Richmond
SUNDAY, ilo .. m. arrive Norfolk. 20 m.
3:l5 D m-Daily-Berryrille Luray. Shenandoah.
Trains from the Southwest arrive s:S a. m. 1913
2, m, and ELS a N.
All information Fourteenth street and New Yort
avenue bond Buildingj.
The Washington herald., 1911-04-14
MCLEANS' ANSWER
HELD INSUFFICIENT
Motion for Judgment Filed
in Diamond Suit.

The answers made by Edward 5. Nc
Lean and his Y ife, Mrs. Evelyn Walsh
Mclean, to the suit of Louis ] Cartier
and Pierre Cartier. of New York and
Paris, to recover s1SO.0OO, the alleged SELL
ing price of the Hope diamond. accord
ing to a motion filed for Judgment yes
terday. are insufficient in law TO consti-
tute a defense to their action.
The affidavit of the McLeans. accord
ing to Attorneys Clarence DeKnight and
Brandenburg & BrandenburS, who ap-
peared for the plaintiffs. do not meet the
requirements of District Supreme Court
rule, and they declare that for this rea-
son the plaintiffs are entitled to Judgment
for the full amount
The Washington herald., 1911-04-14
PROMPTED BY PETS ILLNESS.
Miss stock Withdraws Cnveat Filed
TO Mothers Will.

The caveat filed last summer by Miss
Elizabeth Stock 10 the probate of her
mothers will was Withdrawn yesterday
because a parrot. the former pet of Mrs.
Ottilic Stock, has contracted asthma, and
the testament of Mrs. Stock was admit
ted to probate by Justice Gould.
In Withdrawing the caveat filed by the
daughter, Miss Stock told Justice Gould
the Dird is now suffering from asthma,
which she claimed lessened his value, and
as the little household effects left by
Mrs. Stock are not desired by the daugh-
ter, she had decided to abandon the con-
test over the will.