Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1911-06-18
NATIONAL TOPLINERS
BY JAMES HAY, JR.
FRED GRAFTON AINsWORTH, Ad- gr

gress with knowing more about the army
than any other man in the country. Unlike
most army officers, he knows all about poll
tics and has decided views.
ELLIOTT WOODS, superintendent of the
Capitol and its grounds, was walking
along one of the corridors in the House Office
building one day when a greenhorn Con
gresham, stewing with rage, grabbed him
by the sleeve.
whats the matter?' asked Woods, OBJ
serving the mans emotion.
"Matteri" shouted the Congressman.
"Why, when went into my office last even
ing, there was brand new typewriter on the
desk! Now it's gone! You've got lot of
thieves around here!7
Woods walked into the office and without
a word lifted the trap cabinet OF the desk
and brought the typewriter into view.
"Fine!" commented the Congressman.
"Now, have you got place like that IN here
for my use when troublesome constituents
knock on the door?'
John WHEELOCK TITCON1B, who is
, now in charge of the division of fish cul
ture in the Bureau of Fisheries, knows SO
much about swimming things that in 1908
he was specially employed by the Argentine
country and report how many kinds of fish
there were in all the streams. He built the
first fish hatchery in South America.
EXPLANATIONS are often dangerous
- things remarked Senator Swanson of
Virginia in an after dinner speech not long
ago. Then he told this story:
A Virginia lawyer employed in his Office
two bright young men who occasionally
firted with the flowing bowl more than was
good for them. Late one night, after such
an exploit, both of them fell down, one
backing his eye, the other SHINING his nose.
There followed discussion as to what would
be the best excuse to offer in the morning
for their disreputable appearance.
Il am going to say declared Brown,
"that as | was going through revolving
door at the hotel the man in front of me
stopped suddenly, causing me to dash my
face against the wing ahead of me.
"A good excuse for me- observed Jones,
would be that slipped on a banana peel
and bruised my nose on the curbstone.
The next morning Brown appeared and
said, You'll have to excuse this black eye
this morning, Boss; but was going through
revolving door at the hotel when the man
in front of me stopped suddenly making
me butt my face against the woodwork in
front OF me.
The employer expressed his sympathy.
Five minutes later Jones, having changed
his mind about the banana peel story came
in and remarked, This nose looks terrible,
Boss; but when | was going through re-
volving door at the hotel last night the
man in front of me stopped suddenly,
making me-
an taking your final departure from this
office, interrupted the lawyer Jelly, neither
of you will be troubled by revolving door,
and you will butt your faces into nothing
worse than the need of new jobs
THOMAS NELSON PAGE, author, was
introducing General Wood, Chief of
Staff of the army, as one of the speakers at
banquet in Washington. Wood was sched-
uled for a speech on the value of being pre-
pared for war.
Il am not, however, said Mr.. Page, zone
of those who believe a certain people can
come over here and gobble up half of our
country before the other half knows they
are doing anything but waiting on our tables.
p EFERRING to speech making Am
- bassador Bryce got off this witticisn
one night at the National Press Club
"You have overpowered me. You have
asked me to speak, and you have given me
as a subject the whole range of human
y.bicl &C tho u,ho1a