The Wheeling intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1903-1961, 1911-04-08
She Was Ready
for Agents
And Besides Her Husband. Who Had
Tried Some Pills, Had q
Shotgun Ready.

'NN-SJ"
NXVIELL ! declare. here. another
w agent" exclaimed Mrs. Cur
few. as she opened the
door. I telephoned for a man to come
and tx the nue. the house being so fun
OF smoke that a lady nearly coughs her
head on. and when I heard a rap at the
door / thought the man had come. but
instead OF that / md another agent. AMI
can tell from the cast OF your countC-
nance that you are trying TO sell some
thing that will take grease spots out Of
carpets. but there are no grease spots
In my carpets. and ~ there were / would
not do anything to them"
i am not trying TO sell any trining
thing or that nature. madam. replied
the agent II am the accredited repre-
sentative OF DIR. Blinkenhausermo rgen-
dorfer. the distinguished savant whose
celebrated hair restorer has done more
90 alleviate human suffering than any
other agency. Badness Is a dire afhlc-
uon' even FOR man. but Tor a woman l.
Is tragic. i see. madam. that you are
threatened with baldness"-
Well. what impudence; You leave
this doorstep al once. OF IN pour a ket-
lie OF boiling water on you'll What Is the
world coming TO. when a lady Il insulted
at her own door by an agent who looks
as though he had slept IN a stabie7
Not one woman In hundred has
such a fine head OF hair at my age. and
never wore even a switch in my NE
ana vet YOU come here and tell me I'm
baldheaded and expect 20 get away alive.
Thought She Was a Freak.
"Oniy the other day an agent told me
l was all covered with yellow blotches
and another one said 1 had chin wis
kers. I'd like 20 know how agents ex-
pect 10 sell things to women by calling
them names and saying they look ike
freaks In a side show.
1T seems 10 me that n was selling
hair restorer or furniture polish. or any
thing With barks and leaves and buds
In IT, I'd try TO be as polite as / knew
how. and make the best Impression pos
sible.
Instead Of that YOU come here and
call me baldhead. and I'm sure I don't
know what the bears are doing nova
DAYS or they would come and rend you
limb from limb.
IF a man must be an aFent and go
around selling patent shoe polish and hair
restorers and things that nobody needs.
. he should az least dress himself Ike a
gentleman and wash his face once a
week, but all the agents I see look a.
though they had been found in an ash
barrel. and here you stand wearing shoes
that don't match and there's only one
button on your coat and your uecktie
looks as though somebody had been
lynched with g.
And yet you have the nerve 70 tell
me that I'm baldheaded and want 10 sell
me a liquid wig or some foolish thing
Z Ike that. and only hope your STAY
around here Fostering people % death
until my husband comes. for he carries
shotgun for Just such agents as you.
Husband Has a Shotgun.
MY husband Is kind and good
natured man. but II one mentions agents
70 him ne loses all control OF himself
ana fr0tas at the mouth and carries On
lawful.
He has had great deal OF trouble
Win his stomach this Wintc-. and a
disreputable agent came 20 the door arf
talked so long about some dyspeDsia niifs
ne was selling. the same having been IN
vented BY a professor with a ten-ioIntc ~
name. that ! bought a box paying 30
cents Ga cash FOR them.
Ny husband took three % thaee pills.
and ne suffered such agony when he got
thcm down that the relEhbors had 20 tie
MIN 10 tree and squirt water On him
With the garden hose lie saws thar when
no swallowed those pills they exploded
IKE hre-crackers and nearly ruined mis-
works
He - a sad and broken man ans has
but one object in living. which Is 90
shoot as many agents ~ possible. p,
you'd better eniErate before he comes
round the corner 81 the house with bis
shotgun. and advise you 20 be polite
next lime you meet an elderly lady with
a magnificent suit Of hair"