davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Rock Island Argus., 1911-07-22

The proposition OF Marshall p. VII
der. himself a humorist of uatiUnsl
reputation. Including q challenge to
the leading humorists Of the country
TO compete for the championship. has
an alluTing appearance. but II is in a
certain sense ike the Offering OF a
prize for the writing OF g national an
them.
Humor like poetry, springs from
the mind ike Minerva from the head
of Joye. fullhedged and full paao-
piled II is the inspiration of the mo-
ment; the gift of the gods. II csnEot
be evoked at the imPerious command
OF the publisher or of the toastmaster
Il rises uubidden TO the lips aud
speeds then 10 the minds or 70 the
hearts OF auditors.
According 10 the plan proposed b.
Mr.. Wilder those who are invited to
participate il the contest are Gelet
Burgess. Peter Finley Dunno. Caroiyne
Wells. Irwin Cobb. Wallace Irwin,
Charles Battle Loomis George Ade
Oliver HerfoTd Simeon Ford and Ellis
Parker Butler, The combat of wis
will not be restricted TO the foregoing
however, for others who By virtue OF
their humorous writings are IN the
front rank OF laugh producers, are ell
gible TO compete and may send their
contributions to Mr Wilder ST Atlantic
City.
Under the conditions OF TIE contest
the hnmorists may submit samples Of
their humor In verse or story Of any
-,
on a date and at . place 10 be decided
upon by the contestants, the humor;s's
VIII meet and vote on the samples CT
humor offered Thus Wilder seeks 20
settle the question as to who Is the
greatest American laugh provoker.
The fact is that this contest wouie
Rock Island Argus., 1911-07-22
Humor and
Philosophy
A1 DUNCAN n. -Sr1gT8
LONGING.

4 LITTLE FISH Ia IKE 20 be,
"A With not q thing to do but play.
In inland waters or the sea
To 50 in swimming every day.
] would not nibble at a hook
Nor monkey with a baited pin
On such temptations 1 would look
And wiggle roguishly my fin.
When morning came I would not rise
And hustle into pants or frock.
Nor would the lack OF them surprise
The fussy neighbors IN the block.
And when I laid me down to take
My slumber In the rivers bed
No garments would 1 have 70 shake
And put a rightle on instead.
As soon as ever II was dawn
My dinner pan would not grab
And rush of with a final yawn
To where a boss was keeping tab.
No: I would sun myself awhile
And with the other fishes play,
Then swim about n half a mile
And earn my breakfast on the way.
And II I had to so to school.
AS other children often do.
The schoolrooIn would be wet and cool
And lessons would be far and few.
Yes, 1 would like TO be a fish
And In the water sink and rise
And all around the harbor swish
That Job is just about my siza
Rock Island Argus., 1911-07-22

There are men who, though they
have not had refining influence in their
boyhood, are nevertheless natural
gentlemen. Such a one IS my friend
Grigsby, a successful business man,
prominent in his circle and possessing
a very tender heart. / dined with him
and his wife recently. While we were
at dinner his son. a stalwart young
ster of twelve or thirteen. came in
late from participating in a baseball
match. I noticed the look of pride and
affection with which his father re-
garded him.
Your hoy is a manly little fellow"
I remarked.
well, yes, but he hasn't the ad-
vantages to make him so that I had at
his age"
How is that?"
NO advantages at all, or, rather, 1
had a responsibility thrown on me at
twelve that brought out all there was
in me. When 1 was my boys age I
was 4 father" ..
"a fatherr'
Yes. I'll tell you about it later"
After dinner Grigsby and 1 went
out on to the porch TO smoke, and he
told me the following story:
Ny father died when I was seven
years old, and from that time 1 began
to be a man. 1 wasn't much Of
man at first, but I grew in manliness
faster than in body or in years. My
mother died when 1 was twelve, and
I was turned out to make living as
best I could. 1 had saved a few dol
lars, which I invested in the newspa-
per business, and managed in this
Rock Island Argus., 1911-07-22

Mr. Morgan's gift of the Luther let
ter. which cost him 5000. to Kaiser
Wilhelm quickly followed by decoi d
tion of Morgan with grand cross. fne
transaction suggesting barter of
money for rank. might be passed 90
the New York World says, as food
for laughter were II not for the man
fest trend of the American mind to-
ward vulgar oyerestimate Of artili-
cial distinction based upon birth. caste
and rank. 1t tends to modify the men
tai attitude of men who should bs
sturdily loyal TO the American princi-
pie and whose demonstration of It's
truth and value is the radiant hope Of
the world. What must be the thought
of those struggling aRd aspiring 3eo-
pies who look to America for guidance
and example when they see Americans
smuggling and flunkying for the decora-
tions of obsolete royalty ana the so
cial patronage of deCaying nobility
Is this true Americauism? Would II
not be well for congress to brand III a
acceptance of foreign decorations as
unworthy of American citizens by FOR
biding it? The ignoble practice might
be checked by levying a heavy Gus
toms duty on the baubles OF royal or
ders as vitiating luxuries" 4"
Rock Island Argus., 1911-07-22

tContinued from Page One)
is made by the Junior senator from
Colorado to the consideration of the
bill" Thus was the bill beaten out
of consideration and a vote at that
time, but the bill came up again on
May 19 Then Mr.. Kean asked that
the bill be placed on the calendar
under rule g. The vice president
The bill will go to the calendar
under rule 9 at the request Of the
senator from New Jersey" Going
to the calendar under rule 9 in
these circumstances meant killing the
bill II was thus killed under the
cooperation of Guggenheim and
Kean.
Guggenheim is one Of the Guggen
helms. so that he and what he stands
for need be no further described.
Kean was at the time and has been
since, a director of the Pacific Coast
company. which is one Of the big
corporations in Alaska trade, operat-
ing steamships, railroads, coal and
other varied interests. It has al
ways been rated as affiliated with
the Guggenheim syndicate.
Although nothing regarding this
proceeding was said at the time,
most careful note was taken.
Guggenheim and Kean killed an
independent company's effort to get
that island: then the Guggenheim
road-the Copper River and North
western-promptly fled on It and
now claims It
The advantages you can enjoy
when you are in big business. by hav-
ing your own senators TO look after
your legislation Is thus aptly illus
trateo. The Graham committee will
undertake to show the public more
than II at present knows about these
aspects of the country's political sf-
fairs.
Rock Island Argus., 1911-07-22
July % in American
History

1704-Peregrine White, first white
child born ia New England, died;
born Nov. 20, 1920.
1s64-General James B. Mcpherson
commander Of the Federal Army
Of the Tennessee, killed in front Of
Atlanta; borr 1920.
15s3-General Edward Otho Cresal
Ord. distinguished American sol
der Of the civil war. died in Ha.
vana; born in Maryland 1913.
leo3-GeneraI Cassius 81. Clay, anti
slavery editor and Kentucky Iegis-
lator. died: born 1910
1905-Russell Sage. the hnancier, died.
born 1916.
Rock Island Argus., 1911-07-22

settle nothing Of the kind. ThCse
names are well known among the gal
axy Of American humorists, but It :s
doubtful If their productions In a CON
test of this kind would measure up 10
their former standard, and even IL It
did there are other stars yet to ri3e
which may dim their glory.
Charles Dickens and Mark Twain
were the two humorists whose hunor
more nearly touched all the depths
and shoals Of human life. Who viii
be their worthy SUCCESSORS is not yet
determined.
Rock Island Argus., 1911-07-22
Democratic Accomplishments in Con-

Democratic Accomplishments In Com.
Oscar ". Underwood, chairman OF
the ways and means committee, TOOK
few minutes OF the other day and
sat down and figured out what tire
/ democrats of the house had actually
accomplished thus far:
/ He said. THE house Of representa-
tives in the present session has as
complished the following things:
"A complete reformation OF The
house rules.
Passed the reciprocity trade agree
ment
"a bill requiring publicity of cam
paign funds before elections.
"A resolution providing for the cleo
ton of United States senators by di
rect vote of the people.
"A resolution authorizing the ad
mission to the union Of Arizona and
New Mexico.
"The farmers free list bill
"A wool bill that reduces the aver
age ad valorem duty on manufactured
wooiens from 80 per cent to 42H pei
cent
We are preparing a bill that will
make a very decided reduction on cot
ton goods.
ITO elaborate: In reforming the
rules OF the house We have taken away
from the speaker the veto powers and
control over legislation, which he has
had for years, and organized the house
along democratic lines. The rules now
enable a representative to secure fav-
orable action on a measure when he
has g majority of the house with him
This is the most distinct advance to-
ward progressive reform made in a
long time.
The enactment of the Canadian
reciprocity treaty into law will not on.
ly give relief to the people now, but
il is the entering wedge for an en-
larged trade with Canada and means
the expansion of our commerce.
The bill providing for publicity
of campaign funds before election
time will have a purifying effect on
our legislative system.
Our resolution providing for The
direct election of senators will pass
the senate and be ratified by the pao-
pie.
The farmers free list bill puts
many of the necessaries of life, such
as bread, meat and shoes, on the free
list
The wool bill will very greatly re
duce the cost of wooden clothing TO
the people Of the United States. The
average reduction is from 80 per cent
70 421k per cent But on the cheaper
commodities. such as the poor people
use. the reducti is much greater
Some blankets have been cut from $50
per cent TO 25 per cent. The same Is
true of many cheaper articles Of wool
en- goods.
we expect TO send the cotton bill
10 the senate the first week in August
These measures demonstrate 20
the country the downward revision of
the tariff that the democrats are will
ing TO elect into law. Every schedule
will receive similar treatment If the
people will give the democrats power
10 do so by electing a democratic
president, senate and house next
time
Rock Island Argus., 1911-07-22
EasN Method.

1--WE ought to have a new national
anthem"
"why don't we get 1t thenT
"No one has come forward 20 write
it."
"If that is all the difficulty that can
be easily overcome. II the committee
will just allow a soap advertisement
to be run in as a part OF the last line
there Will be plenty OF magnihcent
ones submitted"
Rock Island Argus., 1911-07-22

Springfield Republican: The susp.-
cion deepens that John Hays Han
mond may be in training for the Brit.
ish ambassadors ship. as successor 10
Whitelaw Reid. Mr.. Reid began q j {
corporation ambassador 10 years age,
II will be recalled
Rock Island Argus., 1911-07-22

II now appears that Senator Pen.
rose of Pennsylvania-when they built
and finished the state hoUse-w5a
likewise concerned in some of the in
strumentalities responsible for NJ.
Lorimer's election 10 the United States
senate from Illinois. How strange,
Rock Island Argus., 1911-07-22
Sort of Banking It,

OOTL OF DdIINIIIJ 10
HE gives his wife an allowance eV-
cry Monday morning"
THAT is nice OF him"
"But he has a selfish object"
$50 she will Le methodicalP
$50 he will have a place where he
can borrow money"
Rock Island Argus., 1911-07-22

1t is said that a gun has been IT.
vented that can fire n projectile BE-
yond the horizon. IF II keeps on goin z
it will prove itself a close relation
TO the shot heard round the world"
Rock Island Argus., 1911-07-22

Proving that editors are always
right is the fact that the population
center has again taken Horace Gree
ley's advice and gone west. this time
81 miles.
Rock Island Argus., 1911-07-22

Quincy Herald: There are other
reasons why gsople are beginning to
dislike La Toilette besides the way he
combs his hair. They don't like the
way he moves his mouth.
Rock Island Argus., 1911-07-22

Senator Bailey is a stickler for pre-
cedent but when the senate rejected
mis- amendment 10 the reciprocity pact
ne did not announce his resignation
again
Rock Island Argus., 1911-07-22

Tip Doyle says there's an arson
trust. Tip, who is the state fire mar
shal, wanted TO get into the trus.-
busting class so he made q trust ci
his own.
Rock Island Argus., 1911-07-22
The War Is Over. Pull the Curtain

Senator's Williams OF Mississippi and
Hepburn Of Iowa are still waving the
bloody shirt" and issuing 'cehs-' TO
each other over 81 issue that was
fought out and settled nearly half q
century szn- The men who took Part
Rock Island Argus., 1911-07-22

Senator La Toilette should have
been honest both with himself and
with the great American conscience il
stating the grounds for his opposition
TO reciprocity
Rock Island Argus., 1911-07-22
Likes an Easy Job.

"How Brown does like to make n
fool of himself"
Yes"
81 can't see how he can stand IT,"
He likes it because it isn't hard
work"
Rock Island Argus., 1911-07-22

reciprocity had won al last-and Is Up
TO the president.
Rock Island Argus., 1911-07-22

''Well. now, this thing is no concern
of Browns"
isn't it, really"
"Not bit"
''Then he'll be nightly interested"
Rock Island Argus., 1911-07-22
Glad He Left.

Actor-There WIS thunder of. ap-
plause when / left rhe stage. Bored
Friend-ser' es you right. Youshouidn't
stay on 80 lcngl
Rock Island Argus., 1911-07-22
PERT PARAGRAPHS.

A lie is not lie when everybody
knows it for what it IS.
The trouble is the odds are so heaV-
fly against our ever getting even.
The man who loses his Job never
spends any money advertising for the
finder TO return IL to him.
II certainly does seem that some
weather is made to be talked about
An ounce Of energy is worth a ton
of guess so.
There are people who can't discrim-
mate between discretion and decep-
ton.
Poverty Is always hanging round
waiting TO hand itself to you.
Talk is expensive when a scientific
expert is doing It.
deserve. and perhaps # is well for Us
tndL we uOu I.
There are few women who can cry
either effectively or becomIngly.
Many people who are hard to please
aren't worth the trouble.
Children may be a nuisance. but
wait a bit and they will grow up and
begin 10 kick about children being a
nuisance.
The worlds most successful HsSf
cine for bowel complaints is Cham
berlain's Collie, Cholera and Diarrhoes
Remedy It has relieved more pain
and suffering and saved more lives
than any other medicine In use. In
for children and adults. Sole
by all druggists.
Rock Island Argus., 1911-07-22

"'Ma, are we descended from the
monkeys?
7''I suppose So"
"How do we knowr'
"By looking up the family tree"
Rock Island Argus., 1911-07-22
AIonu the WAY.

At railroad depots, water tanks.
Where educated hoboes call
And mark their wisdom or their wit
You see the writing on the wall
Rock Island Argus., 1911-07-22
THE ARGUS.

Published Daily and week1y at le24
Second avenue Rock Island. Ill LEn-
tered s4 the postofaee an second-cIass
matter.1
Rock Island Argus., 1911-07-22

Conditional.
81 can put up a good blun."
"Can you keep IT up"
"Unless some one calls it down"
Rock Island Argus., 1911-07-22

BY THE ). W. POTTER CO.
Rock Island Argus., 1911-07-22

TERAS-Dsily, 10 cents per week
Weekly, 81 per year in advance
All Communications Of srgumentAtivs
character political or religious. must
have real name attached for pubhca-
ton No such articles viii be printed
over fictitious signatures.
Correspondence solicited from every
township IN Rock Island county.
6 Ez5HzA
TRAoEsl Jiis2f Iss2t lcogNcIES 20
Saturday, July p, 1911.
Rock Island Argus., 1911-07-22
THE POWER OF GUG-
GENHEIM AGAIN SHOWN
I'M THE SENATE

CONTINUED from Page one1
Rock Island Argus., 1911-07-22

Saturday, July %, 1911.
Rock Island Argus., 1911-07-22

A lie is not lie when everybody
knows it for what II Is
El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931, 1911-08-12
A Little Bird Whispered to Me

Copyright. 1911. National New. A..oci.sio..
El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931, 1911-08-12
POSSE STILL FOLLOWING SILVER CITY
ROBBERS into THE MOUNTAINS

Silver City, n. NJ, Aug 12.-With a
trong force in the field, it is believed
that it win be impossible for the high
wayInen who robbed John N. Sully and
two others TO escape, but ii is believed
that a stiff fight will be made, as deputy
sheriff Lon y Portwood and his second
posse were fired upon no less than II
times and narrowly escaped with their
lives. The fire was vigorously returned.
but the robbers were well concealed N
the toughest parts OF the mountains and
It is not believed that any of them were
hit, although Portwood was first re-
ported wounded.
While the holdup was accomplishec
by only three masked men, it is report
ed that considerable number OF ac-
completes are in the mountains.
The robbery surpassed in daring the
Mogollon holdup Of some months ago.
The three masked men obtained less
than 800 in money from John NJ. Sully.
superintendent of the Chino company,
and watch each from Mr.. Sullv, Mr..
Bradley. the general engineer of con-
strHetion At Raw. Ariz., and Charles E.
Bruff The resident engineer of the com
pnv at Santa Rita.
The highwaymen. evidently BELIEVING
that the superintendent and his compan-
ions in the machine were conveying a
large amount Of money for paying off
employees at Hurley, rushed down upon
the machine, which was being driven BY
Mr. Sully, and, covering its occupants.
demanded the supposed large sum Of
money, but, upon search, found only a
small amount.
Disabling the machine. the robbers
sped away to the nearby mountains, in
the vicinity of the Kneeling Nun. leaY-
ing the mining men out on the plains.
Upon investigation, Mr.. Sully found the
telephone and telegraph wires had been
El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931, 1911-08-12
Martha Was
Wise.
She Made $225 In Five
Minutes.

Martha and Maggie are neighbors;
they contemplated taking a course in
shorthand and talked the matter over
together Martha decided to learn the
Gregg Shorthand System instead of an
old inc system that takes three months
longer time. Maggie knew in her heart
that the Gregg System was the sim
plest, easiest, and best; she knew that
all the best positions in town were held
by young men and women who had
learned the Gregg System at the Inter
national Business College. But Maggie
wanted to attend the school where Jack
went" so she took the old line system.
Martha has already worked three
months at SIS per month, while Maggie
is still tugging away trying 10 learn the
old line system, disappointed and dis
couraged-sIt was all Jacks fault"
Martha was wise Maggie wasn't.
But what became of Jack? Don't ask.
Be wise today, tbs madness to be misled
Consult your own educational interests.
Ask people who know. and you will find
many reasons for taking your course at
the school where Martha learned Gregg
Shorthand-the system that won the
worlds record for speed and accuracy,
and is taught in more schools and col
leges than any other three systems COM
bined.
Ask for free lesson by mail, or try
our work and be convinced before you
pay.
INTERNATIONAL BUSINESS
COLLEGE.
Cor. San Antonio and Oregon
j. r. Mulifn, President.
El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931, 1911-08-12

mountains and close upon the trail.
Portwood remained with the horses.
while Moses and others climbed up and
peeped over the cliffs. Instantly the
posse found themselves covered, and
were forced to give themselves up, or
be killed The robbers took away the
posses guns and smashed them to
pieces, and then forced Moses and the
other captives to 90 with them and pack
their food and other supplies and belong
ings farther back into the gorges OF the
Kneeling Nun mountains.
After some hours of labor, dictated
by the highwaymen, Moses and his com
panions. were released and made their
way back to camp. In the meantime,
Portwood had returned and organized a
new posse, and is still in the field with
El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931, 1911-08-12
WINNING WANTS

The Explicit Want Ads are thu
ones that bring the most replies
they are the ones that are read
with the greatest degree OF salts
faction.
When you write g Want, tel
all the important facts. If You are
advertising for help, tell just what
II to be expected Of the applicants
As q matter Of fairness, those who
seek. employment should know al
the principal facts regarding . po-
sition, 80 that only those who are
capable of filling such . place viii
be expected to apply.
In locating position through
the Want Columns, state your
qualifications plainly and concise
ly, tell OF your experience and
enumerate enough Of the facts, 20
that those who are seeking work
ers will have full enough informa-
ton, if they are interested, to
communicate with you.
The explicit Wants tell clearly,
concisely, in a minimum number
of words, just the thought that
Is to be expressed.
El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931, 1911-08-12

a view to overtaking and capturing the
outlaws. He exchanged shots with them
in the afternoon. Exsheriff Jas. K Blair
was notified at Central and immediate
" got together a number of men to as
sist in the capture, If possible.
By reason of the cut wires, no mes,
sages could be sent to, the lower MINI
bres to sheriff McGrath and deputy Tom
Moore, who were there, but jackson
Agee, cashier of the American National
bank, volunteered to get to the sheriff in
record breaking time, which he did in
his auto, and the sheriff was returned
here and was actively on the chase in
a few hours.
El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931, 1911-08-12

cut. and he and companions were COM
PEELED to walk to Bayard, a small station
on the Santa Rita branch line. to give
news of the holdup.
Deputy Lon V. Portwood, Of Santa
Rita. hastily summoned Horace Moses,
general. foreman for the company. and
others to go with him IN search of tae
holdups, and when some distance in the
El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931, 1911-08-12

ousted from office any old way, jus<
so that she wouldn't be branded q
gutter" Politics Is not a woman's
game" said mayor Mrs Wilson, but
the men will find that q woman win
fight as long as anybody once she gets
into politics."
El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931, 1911-08-12
THIS WOMAN Is
TIRED OF POLITICS

we'll. Kansas, who, after more than
three months OF "scrapping" with the
El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931, 1911-08-12

Ethel = What a pretty mouth you
have! 1t ought to be on girls face.
Jack-Well, I very seldom miss an
opportunity.
El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931, 1911-08-12
THIS MAN is A
SPITBALL ARTIST

Russell Ford. premier spitbal1 artist
Of the American league. who is prov
ing the backbone of the New York
is now. pitching, as he never pitched
El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931, 1911-08-12
Afraid of Ghosts

Many people are afraid of ghosts Few people II
are afraid OF germs. Yet the ghost is fancy and
the germ 10 fact. IL the germ could be masnihed
to size equal to its terrors it woald appear -
terrible than any fre-breathins dragon. Germs "
can't be avoided. They are In the air we breathe,
the water drink.
The germ only prosper when the condition ~
of the system gives it free scope to establish it.
self and develop. When there Is deficiency of
vital force, lansuor, restessness, sailow check, -
q hollow eye, when the appetite is poor and the
sleep is broken, is time guard against the GERM
fory the body against all germs by the of Dr. Pierc<
Medical Discovery 1t increases the vital power cles
system of cogeiug impurities. enrches the blood puts
ach and organs of digestion and nutrition IN working
that the Germ finds weak tainted spot in which
+" Golden Medical Discovery" contains no alcohol "
habitormine drugs. All its ingredients printed its
wrapper. 1t is not secret nostrum but medicine
roMFosITIor and with record of 20 Of
substtute-there is nothing just good. Ask your u
El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931, 1911-08-12

The only butter. Ell raso Dairy Co.