davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1911-12-02
WOMAN oUTDRIVEs
TWO SPEED FIENDS

OAKLAND, November ia wom-
an aided Corporal James Flynn and
Patrolman Keefe this afternoon to
capture two speeding motorcyclists
who failed to stop when the officer
shouted to them at Seventh avenue
and Fourteenth street 1t was an eX-
citing time for all concerned,
When the speedburners answered
the officers commands with derisive
laughs and kept on their way, d
woman who had witnessed the pro-
ceeding stopped her automobile and
said: You can have my machine if
you want. Jump in and Wen follow
them"
The officers did, and merry chase
ensued. The woman showed herself
an intrepid driver by sending the big
car along at about sixty miles an
hour, which proved too fast for the
motorcyclists, and they were over
hauled and placed under arrest at
Forty-second avenue. They are Otto
Young and Lesis Lansing, chauffeul
and machinist, respectively, and they
were booked at the City Prison on a
charge of violating the speed ordin
ance, later being released on 81 bal
each
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1911-12-02
BIG FEET; NORMAL MINDS.

PARIS, November THAT the ma
jority of normal-minded men have big
feet and most normal-minded women
small feet is the latest scientific dis
covery announced to the world by the
Paris Academy of Sciences 1t comes
from Professors Macauliff and Marie,
who, for several months, have been
measuring the feet of the French peo-
pie in all walks of life.
They found that eighteen out Of
every hundred soldiers were small
footed and only twenty-four of every
one hundred weak-minded men big
footed. On the other hand they found
that only twenty-three of every one
hundred normal women were large,
footed, while only eighteen were
small-footed,
This is considered to confirm the
ancient theory that woman is mans
equal, for the reason that she is his
exact opposite.
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1911-12-02
LAUGHING At THE QUlPS OF
ANCIENT GREECE AND ROME

ences with a fight. To the one getting
the worst of the affair Gnathene cheer
Iingly cried Courage, it's not mat
ter of who is the strongest, but Of
who is the richest
Gnathene was dining with her
friend, Dexithee, who during the prog
ress Of the meal laid aside all the
dainty morsels for her mother. Gna-
theme ironically observed: at seems
that | would have Jared better had
dined with your mother instead of
with you"
To some ambassadors when they
had finished reading a long, weari-
some harangue, Cleomenes, King of
Sparta, said:
81 cannot recall the first part of
your discourse, and in consequence
do not understand the second part,
and as for the conclusion | disapprove
of it entirely"
One on Rich Husbands.
In choosing a husband for his
daughter, the Spartan Admiral Fury
blades, chose one of good reputation
rather than another who was very
rich, as he preferred a man without
THREE AT
a fortune to fortune without a man.
Simonides, the lyric poet said that
he had often repented of having
spoken; but never repented of having
held his tongue.
Alcibiades cut off the tail of fine
dog which he had accompanying him
on all his promenades. Some friends
told him that all Athens was joking
about the absurdity of the spectacle
of a magnificent dog minus tail.
THAT is exactly what l wish" said
Alcibiades. Il want the people to so
concern themselves about the dog that
they will have no time to conjure up
slanderous things to say about me-
Philip of Macedonia, after the bat
tie of Chaeonea, where he defeated
the Greeks, sent a boasting and inso-
lent letter to the King of Sparta,
Archidamus, the King, sent this caus-
tic rejoinder: IF thou wilt measure
they shadow, thou wilt find that it
hath not increased in size since thy
victory"
Ambassadors from besieged town
were treating with Alexander on the
terms of surrender Alexander order
ed that Acuphis, the eldest of the Am
bassadors, should be the Governor o.
the town, and that he should send i'm
mediately as hostage 100 of the best
citizens. Acuphis then smilingly OBJ
served Sire, l could govern better
liz thou wouldst permit me to send
thee 100 of the worst citizens instead
of 100 of the best"
Nor is the vogue of that most mod
ern of all forms of humOr, the answer
to foolish questions as modern as it
seems. Carpathius, on coming out Of
the theatre was asked if he had been
in the theater to see the spectacley
NO" said Carpathius with a frown,
q was playing tennis in the or
chestra."
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1911-12-02
What is The Oldest joke?

Vhat Is tue question lltl plpo'"'N
will never be known
For ii is likely that human beings
were given to the casting OF humor.
GUS aings back in the days Of caves
and Of stoue implements. Theorists
are OF the opinion that they jestei
one another in matters of personal
appearance, to begin with
And while the human sense Of hH-
NOR has been developing all these
centuries il is amazing how old most
of our supposedly modern Jokes are
If they are taken up and traced BACK
Note this Joke for instance.
Barber How will YOU have your
shave sir?
Customer silence
Something familiar about that Joke,
isn't there? Heard j. a time or two
before, haven't you?
Well it is nearly as old as history
if not older Back iH early Greece
Archelaus is recorded as having
sprung it on an uususpeCting barber.
And doubtless it was chestnut then
And this surely we have heard be-
fore:
Gnathene of Athens was offered
some rather poor wine. When told
that its age was sixteen years, dryN
remarked ITS pretty weak for its
age"
A similar Jest is related OF Cicero.
When told at banquet that the
wine he was drinking was forty years
old Falernian said. BY my faith. IL
bears its age well"
And here is the classical form Of
the womau's age joke:
Cicero hearing the wife Of Roman
patrician say that she was but thirty
years old. said. NO doubt It's true,
for it is twenty years now that Z have
heard you say it,
Just as good as ever is the irony
of 22OO years ago;
The painter Apelles. who fourished
in the times of Alexander. was shown
a picture by an inferior artist who
boosted of having sketched it out in
an exceedingly short space Of time,
yes, 1 can see that very WELL said
Apelles. but am surprised that you
did not make several other pictures
exactly like this in the same space Of
time"
The Old Last" Gag.
We are indebted, according to ira
dition. to this same Apenes for one Of
our common phrases. The painter had
listened with patience and profit TO .
cobbler's criticism Of the sandals in a
picture. But when the cobber began
to enlarge the field of his criticism to
other parts of the painting he received
this rebuke from ApeUes: Shoe
maker, stick to your last"
In where the shoe pinChes," the
ancient rendering took this form:
There was general dtsapproval OF
the actions of q Roman citizen who
udu ulNOTttu HIS NuooNtr iiNh anu
beautiful wife. But" said he, point
ing to his foot, here is shoe, well
made and brand new; no one but my
self knows where it pnChes.'
AS today, in the days gone by the
doctors were made the Jarget Of the
testers fling:
Pausanias, the Spartan General was
asked by.a physician how it was that
he was never ill., and eyultingly an
swered: Because l never consult
you"
At another time Pausanlus said that
the best physician was the one who
dispatched his patients with the Least
possible suffering.
Pausanias strongly disappearing O
a certain physician and his methods
and beratiug him in no mild terms
was reminded by friend that as h
had never consulted that particula
doctor. how could he be so sure 0
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1911-12-02
Ever Hear This One?

A petty thief was being led 10
Drison. Diogenes said TO him! Fool,
why didn't you rob on a grand scale,
then il would have been you that
would be sending others to prison"
The absurd sight Of person cloth
ed or equipped with something all out
of prOportion to his size, always gives
Putnam patriot., 1911-12-29
Qu,snstissett Grange

Monday evening, Dec. 1ith, was one of particular enjoyment when the out. going officers gave to the incoming of ficers and their friends a turkey dinner at the Vernon Stiles inn. The dinner was on an elaborate scale and provid, ed by the proprietor and his efficient wife. The Master, Victor Thompson, was host and the Lecturer, Miss Ross of Putnam, was Ihostess. Plates were set for seventy or more. During the dinner hour some of the choicest selec- tions were rendered by the Ideal or chestra of Thompson. The tables were decorated with full boquets of Killar- ney roses, pink and white carnations and the after dinner speaking included an interesting poem by Mrs. Law and speeches by Richard Barton, and MT. occasion which invited merriment and applause was that after the dinner the party enjoyed the waltz and the old fashioned Virginia reel until a late hour. This, with the sweet orchestra music, the tastefully y-decorated gowns and the fragrance of the roses, remind ed the older citizens of stage times when the old Hotel was the center of attraction and good cheer
 Tuesday evening, the 18th, was the last meeting of this years programme under the direction of the present Lee turer at Grange hall. A well-lilled Christmas tree provided presents for all the members and their friends present to the number of one hundred and fifty
 The Grange rooms were beautifully decorated. Refreshments were served and the Ideal orchestra of five pieces furnished music until the hour Of twelve. With the presents, prose and poetry of the evening 1t was interest ing to see old folks young, and the most serious smile.
Putnam patriot., 1911-12-29
Campfire of G. A. R. and Allied Orders.

Camp George w. Child, Sons of Vet erans, have made all arrangements for big time this Thursday evening, December 2S. Odd Fellows and A. o. H. halls have been secured for the oc- casion. A large gathering of members, the G. A. R., Spanish war veterans, and ladies, is expected.
 At ' o'clock there will be class initiation for members of the Camp and Civil war veterans only.
 At s o'clock, reception in the parlor to invited guests.
 At s.80 Campfire, Ebenezer Bishop, Commander of A. G. Warner Post G. A. R., presiding. There will be ad- dresses by Department Commander R. G.Cutbill, of So. Norwalk, Division Commander Alvin 0. Fairanks Of Norwich, Conn. Past Commander-in- Chief John E.Gilman, Boston, Past National President w. k. C., Mrs. Harriet J. Bodge, Hartford, Past Div ision Commander Ralph NJ. Grant, Hartford, State President Ladies oi G. A. R., Past Division Commander United Spanish War Veterans ana Past Junior Vice Commander-in enIei GA. R. Alfred B. Beers Bridgeport
 Refreshments will be served, there will be music, patriotic'songsi mahlhs pleasant and interesting evening TOT all.
Putnam patriot., 1911-12-29
Burglary on Froat Street

The meat market of J. H. Geeson , Front street, was burglarized some time Friday night or early Saturday morning. The burglars got $l4.s0 from the cash register.
 The burglary was discovered when the market was opened on Saturday morning. Entrance was Igained by removing glass from the door. The cash register was partially pried open with screw driver. Theidrawer slid out but an inch or two, and 1t must have been difficult to extract the coins through this opening toossmall to ad- init the hand. The work must have been carried on in the dark else the key of the register would have been seen, as it was hanging in plain sight. A mileage book and some bills were also overlooked. The proprietor re- members seeing two men standing on the opposite side of the street when he locked up for the night, and woman who lives near by says she heard a noise about three o'clock in the morn ing. No clues have been picked up.
Putnam patriot., 1911-12-29
JUH N O XXI E
Ordained a Priest

Peter Lesperanee, aged g years, for merly of Putnam, was ordained a priest of the Roman Catholic church, in Montreal last Saturday. He left immediately for the home of his par ents ir Woonsoeket, arriving there Sunday
 Father Lesperanee celebrated hislirst mass in the Notre Dame Nictorie church, Woonsoeket, Sunday, and rel atives from various rarts of the United States and Canada made long journeys to be present. J. A. Gagne and wife, Woodstock avenue, his uncle and aunt, were present, and also his cousin, Charles Gagne, of Montreal, formerly of Putnam.
 A reception was held at the Lesper- ance home, School street, Woonsocket, and many were present. It was stated by one of the reverend gentlemen there that twenty-three years ago child has bought to him for baptism. When asked his name his mother requested that he be baptised priest. That mother now sees her hearts desire full filled, for the baby was Father Lesper- ance.
Putnam patriot., 1911-12-29
A Jolly Feast

The Woodstock Theft Detecting So ciety held it's annual meetinglin West Woodstock on Tuesday.
 This organization came into exist euce in 1884, apparently as an extra le- gal agency for law enforcement, and was no doubt quite servicable in its earlier history, but the mutations of three-quarters of century have so far diverted it's original aim that il now stands as an interesting example of how the serious and even grim facts and institutions Of one era become the curious and entertaining social factors of later times. It is no longer a Theft Detecting Society, bull as pleasant and democratic social gathering 1t is second only to the annual fair. This meeting in particular was voted de- cided success in point of attendance, aceessions, and general jollity.
 The ladies of the West Woodstock Congregational church served the dim ner which was thoroughly enjoyed by the members, their wives and guests to the surprising number of so. After the transaction of business; and the de- struction of dinner, the crowd re.as- sembled in the Hall where, after well rendered duet by Miss Ada Bell and DewittMiller,t the audience was amused to the danger point by mock trial H. frustrating the value of the society in it's efficient enforcement of criminal law. Howard Featherweight was ar- rested by Sheriff Alabaster for the theft of centaur valued at S17.5 from George lStrongman, ani brought into Judge Mansmoon court for trial. IL would be invidious to specify further the personel of the forum, Jas the witty hits of counsel, judge, and witnesses alike were most happy. keeping the court room in constant storm of mer- riment, and sending all home with the conviction that this unusual associa. ton of the solid men of Woodstock has not outlived all reasons for its ex- istence.
Putnam patriot., 1911-12-29
TourteIIotte Memorial High School En. tertainment Course

The third number of the Tourtellotte Memorial High School Entertainment Course will be given on Thursday evening, January 1, 1912, at s P. m. The Imperial Male Quartet of Worces ter will give programme of great va riety, including quartettes, solos, duets, readings, etc. The work Of the Imperials needs no praise greater than it's popularity in Worcester and in Boston. aEach member of the Quar- tette is an artist of unusual ability, while their ensemble is perfect. :" Their appearance at the Tourtellotte school offers a rare treat to all lovers of music who can attend.
Putnam patriot., 1911-12-29

Joseph Mckachnie, wife, and Mrs. Arnold guests of relatives in Provi- denee.
 Lottie Angell and Marjorie Richard son of Brown university with relatives.
 Clarence Clifford of Brown univer- sity with his mother on Ring street. He K on tour with the University Glee club.
 Charles Ryan and wife were with the latteris relatives in Greenvilie, RI.
 Miss Florence Sargent of Bryn Mawr, Pa, with her parents, Rev. E, n. Sargent and wife.
 Miss Emma ] Dutton with relatives in Augusta, Me.
 ]. Richard Carpenter and family were with Judge and Mrs. C. II. Child, Woodstock,
 E. N Foster and wife with their son in Montclair, N. J.
 Ernest It. 0nge of Westtield with his sisters on Marshall street.
 l., 0. Williams and wife with Mir. Williams sister, Mrs. 0. +. Ryther, and family, Providence. Miss Minnie S. Warner of Nahani with A, O. Gleason, Pomfret. Edward Warren and wife Of Provi. dence with relatives. Arthur Clouthier of Southbridge with parents on Providence street. Miss Essie Mac Donald of Montclair, N. J., with her parents, Mayor Mac Donald and wife, Tatem street. R. K. Stafford and family and l.. II. Healey and family were guests of ]. S. Greene and wife. Arthur Libby of the Harvard Law School with his parents, k. A. Libby and wife, Ring street. John N. Anderson and wife of Gros- venordale entertained house party the out-of-town guests being Charles Anderson, wife and son Morris of Vol untown, William A. Lund and wife, little Miss Lund and Miss Nellie An derson of Norwich, Herman k. John son and wife of Worcester and Mrs. Christine Johnson of Putnam.
 Engineer William Foran was with his sister In Providence.
 Mrs. E. K. smith. Elm street, with relatives in Thompson.
Putnam patriot., 1911-12-29
NO 52
Salvation Army Christmas Dinner

The Salvation Army in Putnam. through the efforts of Captain and Mrs. A. D. Baglin, brought Christmas cheer to many home.
 On Saturday evening in the Head quarters Hall, an entertainment was given, which was greatly enjoyed by the 50 poor mothers and children pres- ent. At the close of the entertainment a handsome Christmas tree was uu- loaded, and every one was made hap py with the gifts, which included can dy, oranges, and various articles of clothing.
 In addition to the Christmas tree, 50 baskets were sent to homes, provid- ing Christmas dinners for one hundred persons. Each basket contained & chicken, sugar, potatoes. onions, milk, apples, bread, pies, coffee, land batter~
 CARD
 We wish to thank those who so kindly helped us by contributing:to- ward our Christmas dinner, and mak- ing it possible for us to send out 50 baskets and give Christmas tree to S0 poor mothers and children.
 Saturday night and Sunday there will be special meetings at our Hall. conducted by Ensign and Mrs. Tyler of Hartford. Sunday night there will be Watch Night service, lalso an en- rollment service. All are cordially in- vited.
 CAPTAIN AND Mas. BAaLrN.
Putnam patriot., 1911-12-29
es.chief Mansfield Compliments webster
Firernen

A Worcester paper last Thursday had the following under its Webster news:
 w. Fl. Mansfield of Putnam, for many years chief Of the Putnam fire department, came to Webster today and looked over the ruins of the Ma annexit hotel fire. The exchief com pIimented the department on their good work in saving portion of the building. "I am acquainted with the m amer in which this structure was built, and 1 realize how much the fire men had to contend with," said Mir. Mansfield. "The rambling wooden structure 1 often remarked would prove hard case to handle in event of iire, and I can appreciate the work that must have been done by the Web ster firemen to save as much of the structure as thep did.o
Putnam patriot., 1911-12-29
Arnold Bankruptcy Hearing

The hearing on the application for discharge from bankruptcy of Ernest NJ. Arnold Of this city, which was to have been held at Willimantic Satur- day morning, has been postponed a week, to be held then at the same time and place. The reason for the posi- ponement is the fact that counsel who will be heard tn the hearing were also retained in the mandamus proceed ings in the case of Charles E. Searls, state attorney, vs the commissioners of Windham County, which was heard in Nillimantic Saturday.
Putnam patriot., 1911-12-29
Common Council.

Next Monday evening the Council will meet for the purpose of oTganiza- tion and election of officers and 10 near the Mayors annual message.
 The new members will be sworn III ,nclnding the Mayor, Clerk and Ifea- surer The council will go into execu- tive session for the,eleetion of various city officials.
 Tuesday night the first regular meet ,ng will be held. It has been often stated by the Mayor and others that c;,;zens are gladly welcomed to attend any meeting of the body.
Putnam patriot., 1911-12-29
New Years Dance

Plenty of dancing with good Music New Years Day in Union Hall. Collins Novelty Singing Orchestra, that has become favorite with Put nam dancers, will furnish music. Sun light hop 2to6 p. III. Evening s 10 F. Some of the Collins latest hits are "Trombone Jazz, "Knockout Rag i, "When we were boys and girls' "The hours that gave me youp, aEyes so blue and tender" and other new fea' tures. The best music, the best floor, and the best time in the city. This dance Is given under the auspices of the BLU Club.
Putnam patriot., 1911-12-29
Lost Ley in Detroit

Daniel Medbury, who formerly re- sided with his parents, D. N Med-. bury and wife, in Pomfret just over the Putnam line, was injured by trolley car In Detroit recently necessi- tating amputation of his leg. It has been difficult to get particulars of the accident but it Is understood that Med- bury was aIighting from trolley car when it suddenly started and he was thrown under the wheels.
 He is about q years old and Is n graauate of the Putnam High school.
Putnam patriot., 1911-12-29
Interesting Locals

Examine our windows for half price sale of neckwear and muslin under wear. Mrs J. A. Mcintyre.
 Now is a good time to attend to the scaIn. A few treatments will keep it healthy. Mrs. J. A, Mcintyre.
 Look at the special prices advertised bv Geo. E. Shaw on page Tor i3iZ time keepers.
 Renew your magazines through Geo. k. shaw's agency. Save zoc on Youths Companion by ordering before Jan. l.