davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1911-09-13
Mixed Metaphor.

Bishop Lawrence of Massachusetts
thinks that as mixed metaphor
from the pulpit the following can hard
ly be surpassed:
Zone Of the country's clergy who
was rebuking his flock for their apa-
thy declared that but spark Of grace
remained to show that they were at all
alive. Then, in a parenthesis, he add
ed, Lord, water that spark "-Hu-
man Life.
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1911-09-13
Haste REQUIRED.

"You should be careful to think be-
fore you speak," said the prudent per-
son.
Cant take a chance" replied the
orator. "This is rapid period, and If
you stop to think you find that some
one else has worked the idea UP and
put it over ahead of YOU"
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1911-09-13
Widely Separated,

Mrs. Highupp-The Judge decreed
that they should be separated, never
to see each other again.
Mrs. Blase-Are they?
Mrs. Highupp-Yes. They are liv-
ing next door to each other in a New
York apartment house now.-Puck.
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1911-09-13
Oral Testimony.

Mamma, these people who have
moved in next door to us are in hard
luck, but they used to move in ex-
elusive society,""
!, How do you know, child?"
II can tell by the language their
parrot uses"
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1911-09-13
Need for a New Gown.

Withdrawing, l want a new gown.
Husband-But you had a new one
only short time ago.
Wife-Yes, but my friend Ellen is
to be married, and l can't wear the
same dress as 1 wore at her last we'd
Blaetter.
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1911-09-13

60 Jaws co..,
az iona1vic forF1
day Worcester climbing
seconds breaking previous for hercla seconds
end eoeo@ns
By following pr car n
Eudsn Frestn OAKLAND Cameron
7-123 "2o" the 1o7o9: priced
-~@ 1-z 400
Il
by any
An rade1a last
ssensati Of sixty an
send1ng o. Is
the
has Road
reliability
Minneapolis
ten the at Savanna. &&
He C. H. DAVIS COMPANY, BARTON, VERMONT
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1911-09-13
Rather important.

Patience-Does it make any differ
ence which finger Will puts the en-
gagement ring on?
Patrice-Well should rather say 1t
does! Suppose he put it on some 9TH
,er girls fnger?"-Yonkers States
man.
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1911-09-13
SarC aSm.

I'm waiting for some chump to ask
Me if I think it's hot;
And then I'll sniff with all my might
And say, "Of course it's notn
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1911-09-13
Modern NJ ethod.

"My books are in very bad
shape" said the high f1nancier
"Shall send for an expert account.
anti"
mo. Send for an a1ienist"
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1911-09-13

Mrs. Hashley-My little girl knows
Mary Had a Little Lamb"
Skinner BOnes-Not here; perhaps
at some other boarding house.
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1911-09-13
Fairly Won,

who gave We tn black eye, Jim?"
Nobody give it t. me. l had t. fight
fer it."-Life.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1911-02-05
AbSent-Minded.

nR. COOK Of north pole fame. was the
- most animated of the freauenters OF
the smokeroom of the George Washing
ton on her last months voyage, and his
smokeroom stories were quoted in the
camps of ills friends and enemies alike.
DIR. Cooks best story was about an
absent-ininded scientist.
This scientist he said, being. a
bachelor, used to dine at his club. Well,
one holiday afternoon he entered the club
table in a corner. q
Hold this table for me- he said, in
his mild voice. to the head waiter. I'll
dine at this table tonight at s.
Very good. Very good, sir
And the scientist mooned off to the
club library, where he resumed the cor
rection Of certain proofs marked 'diplo-
cocci.',
1T being a holiday, the dining room
was crowded that evening. Two young
bloods entered together and made for the
old scientists table. But the head walt
CT interposed
Excuse me, sirs, he said. That
table is reserved for Prof. Distie.'
".Oh, tell him he has already dined,
said one of the bloods. He will be per-
fectly satisfied
1.-THE waiter frowned as the young men
took possession Of the table. and just
then the scientist came absently into the
room. He made his way to his corner.
and. when he saw his table occupied. he
turned to the head waiter with look of
mild surprise.
Beg pardon. sir did you forget some
thingo' said the head waiter, busting up
10 the good old gentleman.
Where am to dine?' he faltercd
'..Dine. sir?' The waiter looked as
tonished, then he allowed a smile to
spread over his face. why. sir, YOU must
have forgotten that you dined at o'clock
as you ordered
''Oh, indeed nurmured the old fellow
confrsedly. and. flushing with shame, ING
shGifled back 10 ,.lc ID ar. again.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1911-02-05
Struck Oil.
ROM California comes

Z ROM California comes the amusing
story of how small leak in an Oil
stove led to the withdrawal of 2o.OOo
acres Of supposed oil lands in that
state. incidentally several investors
were fooled into parting with their money
by that same leaky stove
While drilling well some distance
southeast of Coalinga. the center OF thc
California oil fields, small amount of
oil showed on the water taken from the
hole at a depth of 1,1W feet As there
was no oil sand and since oil is not
struck I'm that region until after reaching
a much greater depth. the drilers were
at loss to account for it,
Oil men in that territory were con-
graduating themselves on the fact that
they would not have to drill To So great
a depth as they first supposed. and i'm
mediateIy took out options on land in the
Immediate vicinity. Officials Of various
oil companies i'm California were among
the investors, and they now consider the
joke to he on them. The government
took hand I'm the situation by withdraw
ing 2o,OOO acres Of land from entry with
all of the red tape coincident.
The drillers continued their work, the
oil continued TO show i'm the bailer,. but
still no oil sand was encountered. One of
the workmen became suspicious and de-
termined to make thorough inyestic3-
ton. This led him TO the cellar. where
he found very small stream of oil leak
ing from the derrick stove and running
into the drill hole. The employee told the
secret Of the strike" at once. but no.
before some of the wise ones had been
stung and the government put 10 some
trouble. The oil stove is still i'm use in
Tire derrick house, but the leak has
icsn plu.sed.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1911-02-05
.woRkING A TYPEWRITER

lowing swedish poem at me:
''Oh Togo. with the face divine,
Both day and night sigh and pine
To make OF you my valentine"
And while he spoke lie drew portrait
of quaint Japanese Cupid removing
rosebuds with sweetheart expression.
20 Mr.. ST. VAL" I require with peev-
less smile, why is? At firstly you OBJ
serve me with disgusting insults, and
neytly you modify me with Iove-kiss
poem. Why should you thusly turn from
sullen sour to sickly SWEET
THAT is all / got in stock" say Hon.
Val. "All my communications are either
extreme curses or elaborate blessings. ]
have no midway conversations
"You have an African Hunter tempera
ment," ! nudge.
"Ah." say St Valentine, the 18th of
Feb is no time for to write cool & cal.
culating statements. Suppose I was a
lover and YOU was a sweetheart. If |
should send you perfumery note with
following rhymed thought:
ooh. sweetheart mine. you're sort Of fair,
Yet freely l confess,
It's part the way you do your hair.
And part the way ron dress
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1911-02-05

lonesome.
Anything you say will be neglected
- everybody I snugsest. Nobody is
Nsre except Cousin Nogi who is absent
Hon. Letter Carrier remove Oft his
hat-and bsholt. 1t was Hon. Frank
Hitchcock. Chief Postoficer and cham
rion Campaign Contributor of America.
When I observed who was, I bent my
revcrent stomach to any extent.
% Mr.. SIR I pronounce, Ito what
DO owe The philanthropy of this rech-
less visit:"
Il am in troubles he holla softly.
Il an aware of that" This from me,
speaking with shylock Holmes eyebrows.
How did you know this wonderful
knowledse?'' he snagger with superst-
tio.s teeth.
II observe You are wearing a Roose-
ve,t campaign button on your watch
neteer would do SO unless his mind was
sadly dislocated by grief
Silence by Frank
What troubles are You enjoying.
please require with Sarah Bernhard
voice.
Togo say Hon. Hitch, you are
doubtlessly aware that the Boss Letter
Carrier OF America have got a load
which causes him oonsidera able ache to
carry
Il am aware Of snisnify.
"Ah we'll say Kim, whenever Anieri-
ca have q holiday it take ii out on over
leading the Postoffice Dept. At Xmas
time over two hundred and eleven bill
lion six hundred ANA three useless pres
cnts is sent from Chicago to Hookers-
port. Maine. From Merry Xmas over
work a3.VO0 mail carriers dies of spinal
nlen& geritis. raen arrive that New Year
happiness More literary letters for
rostof.:ce ,,ian to fetch. Everybody what
has nothing IL say writes ii OH a picture
,srd ~ j.. sea.as. it to somebody who
COSSit Vs..lt H. ibtS tdoSc !.AoiS het-
smash death among our Boys in Grey.
Next r.icn,l TO arrive iS February. eS-
asSe-Sre Hon. Frank. This bring st.
Valentine enjoyment when everybody
can commit libel including illustration
and poetry. price lc. Nobody can resist
this rare opportunity, 40 on the 18th OF
February the grsndest Government III
t.e world IL con1p,eteiy at a standstill
trying to deliver such important conf
munications Ike
If love Tee.
Viii. goa love ne:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1911-02-05

''You thought when Teddy threw You down that
| would Quickly rush
And turn ron 10 an angel with little white
wash brush
Let others bleach your record till of blemish
it is free
But the Calcimincrs Union needn't send around
for me-
Nextly st. Valentine exhibited to me
a peeved portrait of an Intellectual
Democrat. On the beneath-side of this
was following information:
From Senator Smith to Woodrow
Wilson.
See the eyebrows
OF the highbrows
On your every action bent.
While the Good Row
F1ollers Woodrow
Is our choice for President.
II you can. sir.
Hear my answer
To this symphony OF sush,
.Mollycodde.
Empty twaddle.
PINE, Deoh and likewise tush.''
From an enormalous pile he pluck out
a red-headed valentine labelled From
Uncle 10 to his nephew Victor"
You Kansas breeze.
Do all you can
10 bait and tease
\ poor old man.
You young upstart.
With manners quaint.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1911-02-05
Copyright. 1911. by Rosa rea1le,on Cnil.,.,

.,,o,y,4ct; 1911. by Rosa reaile,on Cnlrs.l
infart.;e paralysis has become
known interest centers upon this
~ disease more perhaps, than upon
any other at the present tine. But
i, lection in itself IS rot the most impor-
tant consideration with regard to imam
tie paralysis That consideration Is the
fact that il leaves three children out OF
four OF those WHO have a decided attack.
and live permanent cripTles Otacr eli-
denies come ard go. and the sufferers
wfo recover go Oh as before, but this Is
not tue with polio.a. c.itis: oEce severely
attacked. always disabled. is the case
with large ma jo-ity of the untoftunates
WHO have t. .sdG to the interest aroused
,! human sympathy the economic loss
Involved IN tie mercii - toll OF the dis
aSe. and an idea = obtained OF What a
; ,ioas matte: infsn,i.e paralysis is. 70"
the unfortunate 80 per cent OF disabled
ones viii never BE able TO contribute their
f,.n share as economic factors in the com
uunits. AID many OF them will he objects
of public benefac.oa
The Iae6icai profession has taken the
matter actively in hand. and should have
the cooperation and support OF the public
n their efforts TO control the disease,
AID, If possible, to ex,erminate ii.
{, IS generally Supposed that yer, little
il known Of .nfantie paralysis. but in
fa.t more Is known than Of sucn common
diseases as measles and scarlet fever
Nery epidemic has added TO the knowl-
way and Sweden, studied especially by
lIarb!tz and Schee,e; the New York cpl
GeTric OF 1905. studied by q committee Of
thn New York Neurological Society: the
Massachusetts epdernics % lo07-lplO.
studied by the Massachusetts state board
OF health: the work o: the various S,et q
and city boards OF health in the epidemic
-! last year, and the work Of the United
States pCbnc health and marine service
HOSPITAL have added greatly to the knovl-
tase OF the cisease. one Of the most TN
por~sat contributions has been made by
Fiexrer ard Lewis OF the ftockefeIler In
sututt, in clearly demonstrating ths
cause. i
rcc name. infantile para'ssis, is a mis-
children. TIE burden OF attack IL borne
hy verS. Young children. but adults not
inireauentlS have the disease. Some OF
tie most distressing and most fatal
t6scs ore d.HOHS young men between
twenty snd thirty years Of age A bril-
liant young physician OF Virginia died Of
il las. simmer.
In:satile paralysis is distinctly a mod
ern malsd:, bu. like many other diseases
II probably existed some time before I,
Was recognized. The clearest accoun,
came from Sweden In 1851. and the his
tory q the disease is usually dated fso1,
that time. but the first epidemic reported
was in Louisiana in 1871. Since then
there have been in this country nuner.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1911-02-05
Peril of Inanhe Paralysis and Effective Preventive Measures

ried out there will be as much hope of
controlling it as at present exists with
scarlet fever, and il serum can be Sc
cured it may be under better control than
scarlet fever. Emphasis should be placed.
therefore. upon strict quarantine and
other preventive measures during ali cpl
demic. Such measures include keeping
the patient in we'll screened. bare. san
itary room. that no one enters except the
doctor and the nurse, keeping the family
at home, boiling all eating utensils and
scraps Of food left by the patient before
taking them from the room, excluding
dogs and other pets from the sick room.
keeping the house free from dust sprin-
king a large area around the house ana
isolating the patient for sufficient length
of time. The medical world has grap-
pied with other diseases and come out
victors, and the chances are that it will
finally be victorious in the case of IL
fantile paralysis.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1911-02-05

EST. Valentine" growell Hon. Hitch.
lie is the personality what writes all
them sweet and sour missiles what goes
through the mail. He shall be arrested
and executed for strangling the post
Office
DO this ST. Val exist conveniently for
prosecution" I require.
This improper Saint is hiding some
where's in America. Find him. Togo.
Snuggle yourself in his confidence until
YOU find some evidence of his criminal
manufactury, then bring it to me and
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1911-02-05

IT should send you such candied SEN
timents, would we be married in June?"
Seldom if never are sharp report
from me. Have you some shocking
valentines in stock
II have to do quite a large annual
business in public men,, say Hon. St
There are so many politicians every
year who want to say something dis
agreeable at somebody else, but don't
know how, so I must supply appropriate
insults. For instancely, I have here
sweet billy dux marked From Clifford
to Achilles
You crafty and sinister friend OF the Guggs.
Don't sit around Washington putting on Tugs.
You hate Conservation, you foxy old mob.
Yet you're pretty darn good at conserving your
job. =
St Valentine pause silently while
painting delicious blood drops on
bursted heart.
Have you got some valentine from
President Taft to Senator Lorimer?' I
require cowcattishly.
Il shall make you one by typewriter"
he snuggest. Several nervus clicks for
him and he poke out following rhythm:
From w II. T. to Senator l..
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1911-02-05
vvYHY the saddening, dsheartenlng,
w irritating near-comedy stun IN
XX Of 10 musical sketch

~~YHY the saddening, disheartening,
NJ irritating near-comedy stuff In
" the work of the musical sketch
team in vodeveel?
Why, in other words. don't the musick-
ers in the musical sketch team address
themselves simply to musicking. and per-
nit that aged. frazzled. old almost
humorous junk run it's head off for
O'Suini2
You know how it works out, and you
know what we mean.
Three or four musical sketch teamists
file out upon the stage, clad in the raj
ment of Hungarian cuira ssiers or AL
gerian dragons or Chausseurs d 'Afrique.
or something tasty and significant like
that, and. bowling quite cordially to and
at the audience. why. they pick up sun
dry and divers instruments, such as the
French horn. the Kalamazoo kazoo, the
Syracuse saXophone and the one-stringed
cello and they proceed to ooze. drip and
eNlldc music.
Now, quite number of these people
know how to drip what you might call
reg'la music.
They have sad. tender little notes tuck
cd away in their larynxes or at the ends
Of their fingers; little woody. oh-ma soul
things that kind o. make you lean back
in Your seat and half close your eyes
and wish that. after ALL you'd behaved
better and made yourself more worthy
of him or her.
The Musical Sketchist with the muied
trombone can. and occasionally does, pail
things out eff it that sound like forest
notes of the huntsmen of the middle ages.
The Musical Sketchist with the cello. even
though he play SO murdered thing AS
1.-THE Rosary or "Traumerei,' can and
does once in while draw from his
string or strings certain little quaverino
phrases that sort o. trickle into your dia-
phragm and nudge up around your Ad-
ANS apple and make You think that this
thing of working for living at umpty-
Jump per annum. instead or playing
around in sun-checkered grass with the
Nereids and things and toying with cTthe-
rea's tresses is all a bitter, prolonged
mistake.
The Musical Skctchist with the basso
saxophone can, and once in a great while
does ex,de stuff from that pipey looking
instrument a layout of sounds that kind
o suggest the wild. stormy life that you
for the moment believe you really We're
intended to lead. and he gets you around
the icollar-band and makes you think of
Tristan's return to the bleak cornwell
coast to meet up again with Isolde, and
and all like that. And so on. and so on.
But are these Musical Skrtchists that
know how to do things permitted to get
away with it, Are they allowed to stand
up there and entertain you with the mu-
sic that they know how to make?
No, neighbors. they are no. Absolutely
and finally, they are not-nCt
And for why: Because the Funny Mu-
steal Sketchist won't let 'em.
!: =:
The Funny Musical Sketchist is nearly
always BACKED up, and he comes in after
all the rest, dked out IN u para phrase ."
parody OF the nnfor.as Ct To sure
enough mus making Sic c.iists IL al
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1911-02-05
g. flA}nIMpRA 1oGo-DETECTIVE
~%~kW MAzAACE MRNz2T *>~e

How you know that st. Valentine
manufacturers art and poetry at Battle
Creek. Mich.?' require Cousin Nogi.
..Everything is manufactured at Battle
Creek, when not found elsewhere is
smart report from me-
SO Cousin Nogi enwrap me in paper
and address me with talented paint
brush.
- Pretty soonly l could~ feel him fetch
ing me to postoffice with all the courage
of his. japanese legs.
DO not be discourage, Togo! he
Whisper in my package. Il am now
going to slide you into letter box
Flop. : was arrived. Nextly I knew
Hon Mail Man was sorting me out and
aiming me in Gen. Direction of Battle
Greek. / was squashed in the middle of
second class delivery, but what cares
sarnurai when he is going to learn
somebody elses business?
I could hear mail-train making toots
around curve. / could hear Hon Baggage
Smash conversing about DR.. Cook while
several letters slid restfully around my
ears Tired fatigue overwhaled me.
SlS.t.
hui factory hing unwrapped. While
several assistants was removing string
and postage from my necktie. 1 was
Sufficiently enabled to observe where at
/ was located
was inside of an enormalous printing
factory of Sunday Supprement appear
ance. Printers everywheres. running
back and forthly with red. blue & yell
low ink. Now and occasionally a Poet
would walk in wearing overalls and
carving buckets full of stale rhymes.
While I was laying thusly in the midst
of frances 1 notice a fatty gentleman
with green complexion and blue hair
setting on a chair working a typewriter
with his toes and painting pictures with
both hands. With his right hand he was
painting a cluster Of pink violets sur
rounded by asthmatic hearts and labelled
distinctually FOR ONE LOVE" With
his left hand he was painting portrait
Of a mother-in-law with her face disor-
sanized and labelled distinctually YOU
SHRIEKING SHREW."
Who is yonderly Personage?' ! re-
auire from Hon. Assistant who was
tearing wrapping paper from my feet.
"That is the Proprietor St Valentine.
Aolla Hon. Asst
With part Of my package still clinsing
to NV anklets. walk over to that st.
Valentine man.
.Banzsi" I vail. II have dishcovered
YOU in the actual act of doing So
Without CHANGING upward to see what
! was. this st. Valentine spoke follow
ing poem:
'You sneaking. spying. yellow Jap
What arc yon doing here. you yap:"
While speaking this he paint obnoxious
portrait Of yellow boy eating rats with
unhappy teeth
'Hara -kiri.'' ] yall for angry RACES,
If YOU do not detract this disgusting
photography I shall deliver jiu jitsu to
your eyebrow -
Without looking upward he say fol-