The Richmond Virginian. (Richmond, Va.) 1910-1920, 1911-05-03
FLOOD DR. ORATChY
As WHISPERS WAVE
HAIR BRUSH AND SAGE BUSH IN
OPPOSITION TO BOILED EGG
CRANIUMS.
VERBAL CONTEST DRAW
REFEREES UNABLE TO DECIDE
BATTLE AND CHAMP CLARK
REFERS WHOLE question
TO COMMITTEE.
VERBAL CONTEST DRAW

WASHINGToN, D. G., May -
While whiskers waved sapientiy ana
the Furnished domes of hairless sages
wagged this way and that, an ancient
feud was fought with oratorical thun-
der last night at the NATIONAL Press
Club. Vesuvian torrents OF VerblaSe
were poured, molten hot. upon inof-
fensive whiskers, which heretofore
have furnished only mild amusement
for cartoonists. shafts of biting sar-
casm and barbs OF singing satire pen
etrated the delicate, glowing white
ness OF foreheads that exfenued from
nose 10 neck and humbied the bald
ness that once was the distinction OF
prophets.
Those four who fought the ques~
ton were former Senator Thomas
"Hairbrush" Carter. OF Montana,
/ former Speaker Joseph "Grandwhis-
kers' Cannon, Senator Robert Lost
! hair" Hayior, OF Tennessee, and Rep
! resentatiye Nicholas LonSbaid
| Longworth. Scott c. Bone was referee
and Speaker Champ Clark was the
man TO whom was delegated the maj
| task OF deciding whether whiskers or
| hair were fittest to survive. AS Mr.
Bone wears mustache. which, tech
nically speaking, Is ~hiskers. to Off
set this apparent favoritism, the ref
cree picked DIR. Harvey w. Wiley. well
known as the enemy Of beards--a man
whose head possesses all the innocent
glory Of fresh laid egg-to act as
! timekceper.
bible Aids Whiskcrites.
| AS a battle OF nratory there was
nothing to equal the magnificent en-
l1 IF nh n N q
play ofaimile. that were brought forth
for the defense and derision Of hair
less heads and hirsute s~anery. Theo-
logically inclined debaters--among
whom was former Speaker Cannon
called upon the Bible in proof OF their
claim that bald heads We're predes-
: tined 10 destruction. Health stats
ties were brought into play showing
that whiskers are insanitary, because
of a ack of Federal inspection. Snake
, speake and Major Archie Butts IA
J m Gus work, entitled "Beauty Hints &c
Men" We're qouted extensively, and
! even the nations executives We're
dragged, kicking and struggling, into
the controversy, II being contended
, that shining domes were outshohe by
| flowing facial trescoes at a ration
Of 2 to I.
Who won?
What matter Is no one Won.
Speaker Champ Clark. in whose
hands rested tho final decision, ulti.
mately ANNOUNCED that he would refer
the whole matter to the ways anG
: means committee. which has chargt
J Of wool hair, hides. etc. Refere,
. Bone, having bashfully declined t
form an opinion from the assembled
, verisimilitude Of verbiage offered him
there was but one man left who Nigh
! say which side won.
Wiley's Opinion Ruled Out.
That man vas Or. Wiley. and hi
attitude in opposition to whiskers, a.
contrary TO the pure food and drug
act. WAS ruled out, because his alb
: sence of hair allegediy prejudiceG
( him.
What matter who won, when on,
recalls the majestic form ~ Senate
Garter. slowly hut steadily arisin.
with patriarchial beard~-or ann,
goat appendage," to quote the bald
} headed oDes-thundered forth tn,
sternaI fact
"A beard is d badge OF manhood.
Or what matter the outcome, whei
the picture recurs OF Senator Rober
/ Taylor. who, placing hand upon tn
place where his hair once was, de
claimed thai all men were born eq,1a
. and bald. and that badness. there
g fore was as sign OF democracy AIT
y The equality of man. Or when In
3 senator, in describing his joyous ar
rival within the portals of lovely bald
I. ness. chanted: ~
q w.. -, 49, .... $1,000.