davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-11-19
The Golden Matrimonial Age
From Success.

VTI i5HCCtSs.
 An interesting and unusual estimate of the proper age for matrimony is that ad- vanced by Mrs. Vivian, head and founder of the National Society of the Daughters or California. The happiest and most sue. eessful marriages, she says, are those be- tween the man of 50 and the woman of c5,
 At that age of discretion, she claims, the male has become more mellow and tolerant as well as more solvent. On the ether hand she intimates that a girl of 20 is much harder to get along with than to get along without, and that therd ought to be laws prohibiting people mar rying before they are 30 years old.
 When Mrs. Vivian's theory gets into working order the bachelor entering the hald, corpulent age of 50 may as well leave hope behind. If pr. osler doesn't get him the Daughters of California will.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-11-19
SOCIETY IN WASHINGTON
BY coNsrANC E CARRUTHrRs

1 elor of the official set. So is Dr. A Platt Andrew of the treasury depart ment.
 Viscount d'Alte, who has been in Wash. | ington for eight years, has maintained | a longer continuous bachelorhood thar any of his conferees, but the match | makers have not yet given up hope ol him. The Swedish minister Is still aew | to Washington, but he has made fine | impression here.
 l Prince Koudacheff's heart has thus fai
 not been "captured' by any fair Wash ingtonian.
 Emperor William is determined that Germany shall make a big showing al the American capital, and to that end has appointed on his ambassadors staff men not only competent and accomplished but also wealthy, whose means and ex- perience will enable them to entertain in lavish way that Americans expect The new counsellor of the embassy Haniel von Haimhausen. who is rich ir his own right and married fortune. has established himself in greater style and elegance than any of his predecessors and vast things are expected of hin and his charming wife in a social way | The yon Haimhausens have leased th'
 home in H street, formerly the home of the Belgian legation. It is large olt ! fashioned mansion, with spacious higl l ceiled rooms, which can be thrown to l gether when occasion demands, givini l floor room enough for ball.
 | The second secretary of the German l embassy. Albert Kienlin, has taken { house built and occupied by Mrs. Law renee Heap when she was Mrs. Bloomer which while 1t is by no means so pre-
 tentious as the Haimhausen's house is ( | large and handsome dwelling In the
 most fashionable part of the city. The | Kienlins were at Manchester for the | summer, and while there gave abundant evidence of their hospitable intentions. 1 The only married member of the em- bassy is the military attache, Major vor Herwarth, who. with his wife, is at pres
 ent on leave of absence, but is expected | back some time during the present month | The other members of Count Bern l storffs staff are handsome and desirable parties for the debutantes of two ol
 three seasons back.
 Miss Elizabeth Moves. younger daugh
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-11-19

has its counterpart in this type of ex- citable Chinese mind of the south.
 But we can obtain constitutional gov ern1nent through the. parliament by peaceful means and gradually" said one of the more conservative of the student class to an extremist in Picking recently Did not Confucius teach moderation in the doctrine of the mean?"
 Yes, he did," answered the Cantonese admirer of the French revolution. "bIt Confucius himself if he were here now would see that fighting will be necessary
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-11-19
The Wrong Building

From the Chicago Post.
 \ young lady of Oak park has been spending the summer in Petosky Mich Before she went there she had a most devoted admirer Now he has transferred his affections and refused to speak to her any more.
 ' The trouble is that she was lonesome at Petosky, and one day she bought a postcard showing one of the public build ings up there and sent it to her beau, writing on it, 'I wish you were here
 But she did not notice that it was the picture of the Emmet county jail.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-11-19
Reason
From P. I. P.

Y TOIu F. I. F. =
 Husband (who arrives at the station with his wife in time to see the train go cut)-There you are; if you had hurried yourself more we should not have missed it.
 Wife-Yes: and if you had not hurried so much we should not have to wait so long for the next one.i t
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-11-19
Geographical GIee

Prem the Washington Herald.
 Milwaukee, to the funnysmith, Is but -one vat of beer. Chicago is the windy burg, with lots of atmosphere; Sioux Falls as the divorcee's joy, long since attained renown, and Brooklyn, to the humorist is baby carriage town.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-11-19

ter of MT. and Mrs. Theodore Moves, will be introduced to society at tea on the afternoon of December l. in- stead Of the 2d, as they had at first planned. MT. Moves has returned to his Washington home from q summer trip. to South Africa
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-11-19
When the Lights Are Out

From the Boston Evening Transcript. Do you ever talk back to your wife?' ''Yes. there are occasions when I don't dare not to-
 'Indeedi'
 "Otherwise she might think I'd gone asleep.'
The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-11-19
BIRMINGHAM sPECIALs

FINEsT AND FAsTEsT TRAIN TO xv ,r9,r r.rS MEw wun % nNm ANns nr arr TIA, .s, FORDING LUXURIOUS ACC0MMODA. TIONS. 'l
 LEAVES e,a0 A. M. EVERY DAY. SOUTHERN RAILWAY
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-09-20
ACCORDING TO SAMMY

went out Of the setting room and calm
back agen with sum lettirs
think this Is the sweetest wun OF
awl, she sed. II begins, Preshus huny
buntch. Do you remembir wen you ust
to kali me huny buntch, Henry, she
sed.
remember verse things than that,
sed pop, and you awt to be ashamed
to admit that you stood for II, insted
Of setting thare gloating ovir IL, he
sed.
Nonsents!
Nonsents, Henry, sed ma, I think II
was perficktly luvly. Down ferthir in
the lettir you kali me, Inefferble luv-
wilkins. That's a wunderful name, Hen
~, she sed I don't see how you evir
thawt of II.
Neethir do l, sed pop, and I think :
examples is enuff to establish the gilt
OF the primer.
Don't tawk foolish, said ma. I wunt
to read you the hole lettir. Its q
bewtifull lettir, she sed. and you awt
to of bin a awther.
BY Jukiter, I've got a inga gemint,
sed pop. I almost forgot awl about
It. Wares my hat.
Heer It is, sed ma, giving 1t to him,
good mite.
Then pop went out and ma put the
lettirs away and then the doar bell
rang, and It was Mrs. Libby.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-09-20

are respectable married ladies, gracing
the stage with their talents and charms
and have never shown any indications
Of wishing to go in for target practice
win millionaires' walking gear for the
objective point. OF course, the man who
kidnapped them ranks as a millionaire,
but / can't see your point of view for
minute. Here the two ladies 20
aboard the yacht that lie swinging idIv
on Riverside drive to have coffee after
a dinner at the club house. Then there
is a ride down the harbor mentioned and
they all fall for 1t.
When they got off Of Long Island
some place the ladies want TO turn
back SO that they will be In New York
in time for rehearsal But the million
aire guy decided that as 1t is midnight
1t is too late to turn around, and he
gives the motcrman two bells and the
yacht goes on to New London.
Back At Noon
They all get back to New York about
noon the next day, and the ladies in
their deccoletty evening gowns made a
great hit as they turn up at their apart
mentE."
well. it strikes me-" said the stage
struck youth, that that is about as
scandalous affair as the other and I
still stick to my original assertion"
Kid" said the S. D. K. severely.
you want to read farther down in
the article. You will then find that
Amelia's and Bijou's husbands were
along on this KIDNAPPING expedition"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-09-20

belief that she was addressing her
sister.
Handsome Jack Klambake loved
Dora. The night before the opening
of our story he had proposed, to her
and was accepted.
At supper time Dora slipped into
F1ora's chair. and, making a noise
like Flora, consumed all sisters soup
before Flora entered the dining room,
and Flora was out for revenge.
The doorbell rang. It was Jacks
ring! Flora few to the door.
"Jackw she cried.
!. "Dorav' cried Jack, and kissed her
Jack" said Flora, don't let's get
married regular. It's so common.
Let's elope. now, right away, this
minutev Jack kissed her in the hall.
Dora had recognized Jacks ring.
She slipped on something and came
down. "FloraI' she cried Floral
Where's JackT
There was no answer. and q chill
wind blew into the hallway from the
open vestibule door. -
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-09-20

cushion has anything to do with It?
] suppose you've heard of the new CT
gahrettes with the little squares of silk
in the boxes? The girls save the pieces
of silk and make cushions out of them,
don't you know. Silly ideah, but Gladys
got the notion into her head that she
had to have a sofa cushion made of the
blooming things, and, of course, she
called on me TO help her out.
So 1 changed my brand OF cigahrettes
It seemed to be such bully chawnse to
get In solid with Gladys-a rippin' fine
girl, Gladys. But, by love, the silly
thing wanted four and five pieces Of
the silly silk every day. So simply had
to smoke more; there was no way out
Of 1t. Yesterday I finished sixty-five of
the beastly cigahrettes and this is
my fifty-third today
reilly do feel horribly queeah Can
1t be Gladys cushion. do you Think
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-09-20

You don't han to stay hoam tonite
If you don't wunt to. ma sed to pop
last mite. Mrs. Libby is kuming to
see me, she sed. and I expekt we will
have a old-fashined chat
o, sed pop, do You expeckt that
Well, you don't get me out of this
house by eny sutch suckterfuge. he
sed, bekaus I can see rite throo you.
I'm good enuff to have Ground wen
thares nobody else, but wen 1 RELY
wunt to spend a Mise kwiet eevning at
hoam I'm told that I'm in the way be-
Klaus sum konfowndid friend of your
afnshunt gerlhood days is kuming In
to tawk her he'd awf. Well, awl
can say Is, heer I am and heer 1 stay,
he sed.
Both Glad
I am sure yure wellkum, sed ma, I'm
glad yure going to stay.
I'm glad yure glad, sed pop.
I'm glad yure glad I'm glad, sed ma.
Then pop startid reeding the papir,
and ma startid singing low to herself,
until pop sed, For the luv of simfnny.
stop that humming.
I was thinking OF wat perficktly deer
letters you ust to rite to me wen we
was ingaged, sed ma. I calm ackross
sum Of them this aftirhoon. III go and
get them.
Don't trubbil yurse,f, sed pop. ....
o, its no trubbil, sed ma, and she
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-09-20
THE STAGE DOORKEEPER

TT looked for a while as though
Amelia Bingham and Bijou Fernandez
were getting in the Lillian Graham
class" said the stage-struck youth as
he folded up an early edition.
"Oh, nothin' so bad as that" said the
stage doorkeeper. They are not that
kind of girls. Just because John Pol
lock put that story over on the New
York papers about a guy throwing a
tarry bag over Lillian's head and carry
ing her off into the wilds Of Pough-
keepsie there is no reason why you
should class Amelia and Bijou with
them
What's the Difference?
We'll. didn't they get kidnapped, and
don't that make them qualify for the
Graham stakes?"
mix, nix. kid" and the stage door
hoaper fairly snorted. Amy and BIZ
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-09-20

Yale lock- and the Dead brand powder? moth
of the light. clock
up and check
read where the Office granted its mlonth
ether day. they for foolish
than Bills fly trap.
Every American Ha Invented Something
think Belle that in his life, every the
has something They deny but they
the It's American Keep long enough
and don't make EN- admit that they've invented eakabe
for milk bottle babys bottle it'll
babys empty, somepin just go
your good a the third degree.
They must have busy times at the patent office Belle weedn
the tryn decide which ones be
world l the chief patent granter
sin desk he himself and dctan reusas his
Smith, Oshkosh Wisconsin," dictate sorry
sleepn babies by of automatic hammers but
the refusal avoraby when grave
to the subject the babies should wake up"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-09-20
Loretta's Looking Glass

a DOG on a string leading a married
"A woman may be regarded as mis-
fortune. But when it is attached to
girl like You at the other end, 1t Is
an abomination.
It's an object of Ill omen. In the eyes
of men, ! mean.
+ It makes no difference how you try
to crawl under or endeavor to over
look It, men like women who like babies.
It stands for the womanly tenderness,
the especial brand of affection that
every man believes Is essential to the
character Of a woman.
Red and Squirming Morsel
The man may positively fear the red
and squirming morsel that represents
the future man. He may avoid the
house where It appears as he would
the plague. He may assuage his con-
science for ceasing to visit the home Of
his dearest friends because of the new
member of the family by sending costly
gifts. He may evidence his disap-
prevail in all the silent ways by which
men express their dislikes; BUT he IL
instantly suspicious of girl who shares
his dislike for babies.
And here's the pathological or not,
it's factl-a girl with dog, especially
one Of the lap kind, summons into a
mans mind a picture of a fat matron
who hates babies and adores her poodle.
A delightful girl know has three Of
these ralSish, devoted. intelligent dogs
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-09-20
SIZE HOLDS IT UP TO THE
GIRL WITH THE DOG
Drawn for The Washington Times.

with hair in their eyes. A man who rec
ognizes the charm of the girl often plays
with her and the dogs. The other morn
ing, he met the dog. with the girl on
the string trotting along behind.
by Jove! It's an insult to decent
dog" he exclaimed with a look at the
girl quite unlike any he had cast toward
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-09-20
Forward Passes That
Are Safe For All
NO FOOD AT ALL

Lady" began Hungry Higgins.
"rd thank yer fur a meal"
"Ahp exclaimed the bright, pleas
ant housekeeper, you're one Of those
fter-dinner speakers"
Not exactly, lady, or I wouldn't be
so hungry. / amt got so much as
chestnut about me-"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-09-20

her before. at wouldn't have thought
1t of your
The girl famed into becoming anger.
II thought you liked dogs!" she
cried.
IT do. But not on stringsr'
And the pretty girl Is wondering at
the Inconsistency of men. She cannot
see why a man win enjoy girls pos
session of three dogs at large on the
lawn and resent her taking one out on
a string.
Women Who Are Fast
You, with your canine wad of white
wool rolling along in front of you,
tangiing up the legs of unwary Pc
destrians, behaving generally in q
way that ought to embarrass you, but
does not-just learn OF me. You are
running do n the value of your own
goods. You are disgusting the kind
OF men who make good husbands. You
are putting yourself in the class with
women who are fast, women who hate
babies and women who insult dogs!
I'd like to know how you expect any
thing masculine worth having to
want you. You will have to hunt up.
one of the misunderstanding
kind of men. And they
are scarcer than hens teeth. Men do
not have TO be tolerant There are
too many girls busy with all their
energy at exactly suiting'' them. I
should cut the dogs string, IL I were
you!
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-09-20
Only One Tie

They quarrel a good deal"
Yes: there's only one tie that keeps
them together"
And that is?'
Her new gown. Having no maid,
she has to depend on her husband to
hook her up the back.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-09-20

harder the separation short unloverke work
daily tasks hurt little feeling of visions of
that home home full of
makes full of yearnng and that why today the
study of economics doesn't appeal And for the
first time plunge of house
wherefoes
and cold breath of
Thrilling Bit of Romance
To mind there thrilling bit romance, anyhow, the
love the smell of the cedar and the lifting
long familiar and because of their sleep
There certain the turned from
GOODNESS the that nights the
of the wind about the and this for
the coming of winter brings
much Oh honey, honey will really be spring,
suppose? Do honestly think the position will
that Easeroh dare write it, lest Aunt Henrietta
chickens before they Matched and lose the whole
brood from exposing the
She so funny She yesterday and took back the
tablespoons gandmohers had
said that she'd heard that unucky number and
she sending grandmothers instead Need
delighted rather will be- if the for she
decide that that is bad luck, too?
Love In the Ascendant
told her nothing bad luck when love the ascendant
but she shifted her funny and told that she
while still young and she knew thing of the world
the flesh and devil and who all three and that
never such weather that all signs failed when wedding
prospect laughed couldn't contradict her. but
dear think that underneath she having the time of her life hear
ing about and helping with my
But wouldn't say to her. Oceans Of love, from H
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-09-20
Our Son and Heir
Says He Feels Bad

Yes, I'm on my way to the doctah's
now. 1 feel SO queeah that it's really
alarming, don't you know. / almost
fear that I may be-ah-developing
something. I wondah IL Gladys sofa
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-09-20
A Fair Exchange

Hampton-Do you have any trouble
with your office boy about getting to
the ball gamer
The boss-No. Eddie's a good lad;
he'll let me Off to the game II I'll let
ings q week.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-09-20
Jack Klambake'S
Love; Or, Revenge

The Humperty twins looked so much
alike that one of them was frequently
discovered talking to herself in the
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-09-20
Improving

Fair Maid-Do you think my voice is
improving?
Candid Mainly. yes! 1t hasn't got
that steamboat whistle tone TO It now
its more like a locomotive.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-09-20

LAT do you think Bills went and done, BELIEF No,
nothin like that, you romantic thing ! He's in
vented fly trap, and he's goin' to try to get it
patented. The flies walk in and neglect to walk
out, and when there's enough flies in it you bury
it somepn'.
The way Bill described it, it's the greatest thing
ever. II was fly, I'd walk into it myself. Any
how, he's goin' to have it patented.
Did you ever think, Belle, what wonderful
institution that patent Office in Washington isl II
it wasn't for the patent Office, people wouldn't in
vent. and what would we do, Belle. without the
telADhone and the swivel collar hutton and the
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-09-20
Tell These to Her /
And Win Your Suit
DISCRETION

DISCRETION
Bill-And you asked the father for
his daughters hand in marriage?
ml-Yes: last night.
Bill-And what did he say?
Jnl-He was very angry.
Bill-And what did you do?
JILL treated him as would a
king.
Bill-How so?
Jill-Why, backed out Of his pres
ence.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-09-20
BUSY AT BRIDGE

Miss Gwendolyn, I should like to
ask you to marry me-"
you are interruptfng the bridge
game now, Mr.. Wibbles. Wait until
I'm dummy
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-09-20
Saw Them Often

Tho proprietor Of the circus dis
charged the snake charmer."
''why7"
Because he's q hard drinker, and az
long as the snakes were around the
grounds he couldn't tell which were
hers and which were his.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-09-20
HASN'T COME DOWN

fire with coal oil the other morning.
and ruined the stove"
Did you discharge herr"
mo, we haven't found her yet"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-09-20
ENGLISH Joke FOR TODAY

HANSAAhA J1INL L YIN ASDHi
One man with his heart In his work
the convict in Maidstone gaol, who,
according to Kentish contemp.,
played very pathetically. oh. for the
wings OF dove on the chapel organ"
The Pink TN.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-09-20
Prospects

Has she any prospects?"
Il should say she has. She knows a
millionaire that she expects to marry
or sue for breach OF promise"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-09-20
Was ONLY Six

Was Only Six
Fond Parent-Johnnie has a great
future before him.
Grouchy Blackwell, you could
hardly expect 1t to be behind him at his
age.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1911-09-20
THE REAL LOVE LETTERS
That He Received
Telling the Plans
OF HIS BRIDE TO BE

zAR:-The first tang of autumn is in the air and
the little groups of school kiddes have begun their
morning walk under my window, and watching
them my mind has gone back to the little girl who
was me, and who felt so sorry for grown-up folks
because they couldn't believe in fairies have
any real fun. And now, looking back, am almost
sorry for the little girls because they have not yet
heard the most wonderful fairy tale of ala story
that turns the world to rosy dreams and makes
the most prosac young woman real princess
in tabled castle of love. -
Your letter filled me with happiness, and, yet
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1911-01-21
ROUNDUP MEN HAVE
SECURED $1,000

The Roundup association will soon
be ready Nto commence construction
activities on their newly acquired tract
in the west end of town. Copsider-
able delay has been caused in the
making of the deed and abstract be-
cause Of the fact that the ground is
an old piece which has been in the po-
session Of w. F. Matlock for many
years and it was necessary to do con-
siderable survey work in order that
no mistakes be made in the descrip-
ton Of the property. Within the next
few days the last proceeding of the
transfer will have been finished and
the association have clear title to the
tract.
The subscription committee has not
been very active during the past week
owing to the illness of Secretary
Gwinn but enough additional amounts
have been pledged to raise the total
to nearly $1,000. The remainder of
the $4,000 will be secured without
any great difficulty in the opinion of
the directors.