davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931, 1911-06-16

!
If. Louis Behr dances. can Harry
| Wall?
If a cottonwood. why is a chry-
J. w. McDougal, of 1916 Texas
| street, asks:
If cement could not be used for sky
scrapers would wood do for Fewel?
Another modest contributor sends in
! these:
If Venus fell would Saturn?
If we have writing paper and writing
pencils. what do we pay a stenograher?
If the trees bend. viii gasoline?
AS John D. was a Rockefeller, why
was Hetty Green?
You have seen a cigar box. But did
you ever see match fight?
If you have house dog, why not a
carpet?
If your little girl forgot how to play
on the piano, could the music teacher:
Frisco said We'll have fight, but
don't let Fresno
Ell Paso is not dead one, but Jua-
rez.
If Arkansas Bowling Green. could
Tennessee Mississippi?
If the dogwood barsz, would the trees
leave?
If the divorce was granted would
the paper file?
If a girl fell in the Rio Grande,
would John Fisher?
When the bee flies, where will the
Elite?
If the pilot wheel spcxe. would the
ocean wave?
Did you ever see the rivers tide?
No. but I've seen the pillows roll
If four percent is making money,
why is a shirt waist?
When the bell rang, did the sexton?
When the wind blew, did the girl
ship?
L If Sunnybrook became a Yellowstone,
would cedar run?
If you had a gray white mare, would
you let J. L. Dyer?
If at 10 a. m. they wanted Moye and
2 p m. wouldn't do, what would be the
Krakauer?
If we built new postoffice would
we need Moorehouse?
Ell Paso will need a lot Of money
soon; we will use the cashier.
If Dee told A. Story, would Ely?
When Arkansas, what did Tennessee?
If Ell Paso got four feet of snow,
would it make Barnum?
Jeffrfes could not come back, but
Billican.
Did the crow fly to Kansas City? No,
But the Katydid.
If the brick bats. viii the, door
El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931, 1911-06-16

board. what will a Sawyer make?
If the street car company swore at
lake on Stanton street. why does not
the council swear at a Pool on Ore
gon?
If we are all crazy sbout the fourth
cavalry band. who are we ouinto?
If Col Steever is not E. T., who will
get a Sharpe reprimand?
If Noah set a watch. by Pacific time.
did it make the Arctic?
Ella P. Haust. of 1901 Kentucky ave-
nue.. submits these:
Could Maud S. beat if aviator?
If furniture is Polish. what nation
aHty is Sophia?
If dog scratches for fleas. what
does hen scratch for? Neighbors.
please answer.
If hawk eyes chicken. what will
a cacti?
If street car ride Is worth five
cents, what is Farnsworth?
c. D. Nichols, Of Washington, D. c.,
a visitor in the city. contributes these:
II the United States should go to
war would Bull Run and Manitowac
and Muckwannago too? I wonder
would Chicago?
When the Texas sheepmen get ready
to clip their wool they better let New
El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931, 1911-06-16

If the train did not run. would you
go bicycle?
If Barney is oIdfied. what is Mary
Garden?
If Henry Kelly lost Ell Paso. would
mayor Gaynor?
Ell Paso is is wealthy; what is Fort
Worth?
When Childe HaroIce saw the bridge
| of signs, did Byron?
If nature speaks. can the bugle call?
II Marconi saw C. @. D., can the Y.
~ c. A
When the night falls, does the day
| break?
If japan bombarded Frisco. would
| the War Cry?
If this is horse play, can the graphic
phone?
If Budweiser made Lemp's pale,
woud Blue Ribbon split?
If Japan tried to. land on U. S.
where would Dixie land?
When the Goddess of Liberty is
placed in Mexico City, will De La
Barra?
If there was a forest fire. would
Sleepy Hollow?
When a girl has fever, can the
water cooler
When Japan tries to take the U. s..
Hugo?
If Ell Paso is little paradise. why
Fort Bliss?
Did you ever see a household? No.
but I've seen Anna Held.
If New York burned. would Coney
Island Rockaway in Dreamland?
If the Chinese burn incense, would
Sarah Bernhard?
If George NJ. Cohen wanted her for
n1o foh
Here are some more from Chas. S.
Ward:
If FL Paso's climate is good for
health. why does Shelton-Payne?
If a girl crossed the swinging bridge
over the Rio Grande, would Charles
Beisswenger?
If the complexion Of the next con-
gress was bad. would futile paint?
If Annie wore ont pair of shoes
week, would it be a Laurie hardware?
l. E. W. Jones. POI Trust building
sends these:
If BARRIERS wife buys her new
dress at the Popular. where does the
barbershop?
If the leader of tn. Airdome orches-
ira knows all about music. what does
the piano?
Sweets goes out to lunch, why should
Argo?
If Harry Potter weighs ESQ pounds,
how much will the Ell Paso electric
railway?
If Ringing Bros. are not profane,
Why should they circus?
If fat woman is Unable to walk.
should a street roller?
If a young woman does not wish to
correspond, should a typewriter?
IF the champion all round athlete
of the FL Paso High school can jump
10 feet, how far can the First National
bank vault?
If mayor Kelly calls up the chief
of police, who will the Bell tele-
phone?
If alderman Hewitt, Francisco Ma
dero, jr., and the city assessor gave
governor Gonzales banquet. and Mr..
Hewitt paid one-thire of the expenses,
what part OF the expenses should Louis
Behr and how much would Madero?
1t last Fourth was SO hot that all
the cows went to sleep, how hot would
El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931, 1911-06-16
MRS. ORNER FILES
PkUPER DECLARATION
Declares She Is Unable to
Pay Stenographer's
Fees in Case.

Mrs. Agnes NJ Orner. who was con-
victed on the charge of numbering her
daughter, Lillian, filed papers in the
office of the clerk Of the Saith dis
trict court Thursday afternoon, declar-
ing she was q paup-r and unable to
pay for the stenographer's fee for the
records Of her case.
Alberto Salaiz, who was indicted on
charge of burglary, pleaded guilty
TO the charge in the 34th district court
Thursday afternoon, aid was sentenced
70 three year term in the peniten-
tiary.
The jury in the 34th district court
was dismissed for the remainder OF
the week Thursday afternoon, as the
calendar for the week had been dis
posed Of
Thomas Miner filed a suit against G.
r. Taylor ct al in The 41st district
El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931, 1911-06-16

court. Friday morning. 1t is a suit for
trespass and to try title to a lot in the
Campbell addition.
second suit was filed IN the 41st
district court Friday morning by
Ihomas Miner againsu Jesus Meraz ct
al the style of the suit being being
TOT trespass and trying title on lots
in the Campbell addition.
El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931, 1911-06-16
SANBURN GOES TO he
GENERAL AGENT AT CHIHUAHUs

J. n. Sanburn win leave Saturday
morning for Chihuahua, where he will
take up his duties as general agent of
the. Mexico North Western railroad, to
which position he has just been ap-
pointed He was to have left Friday
morning. but the Mexican National
train did not go out.
El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931, 1911-06-16
CHILDREN AND MATCHES
CAUSE FIRE ON SOUTH STANTON

Children playing with a box of
matches set fire to e curtain in the
home Of Mrs. Pietra Kelly, at SIP South
stanton street, at $40 Thursday night,
and the fire department was called
out to extinguish the blaze. There was
very little damage done
El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931, 1911-06-16
71-2c HANDKERcHIEFs &c

1-Zc dANDkEHCdlEFS &c
Womens white handkerchiefs, full size,
good quality, narrow hemstitched edge.
worth to lie each; Saturday Special
&c.
15c SEWING STANDS 10c
Nickel plated, cushion top sewing stands,
will hold 6 spools of thread, very con-
yenient, regular price 15c; Saturday
Special 10c.
25c HAIRNETS 16c
Full size invisible hairnets, made OF real
human hair, all shades, regular price
25c; Saturday Special Ice.
$500 CHAMOISETTE GLOVES 69c
16 button length chamoisette fabric
gloves, 2 clasps at wrist. These cham
oisette gloves are much liked for sum-
mer wear, regular price $1.00 pair; Sat
urday Special 6Sc
CSC SUMMER VESTS 1sc
Women's summer vests, low necked ana
sleeveless, with narrow or medium wide
shoulder straps, either plain or lace
trimmed, quite variety of styles Is
offered but they are all 25c values; Sat
urday Special 1Sc.
CHILDRENS FANCY SOCKS
Fancy Isle cotton socks for infants and
combinations, values to 35c; Saturday
Special 26c.
CSC RIBBONS 15c
Good quality strictly all-silk taffeta,
satin taffeta and fancy ribbons, in widths
up to No. so, just the ribbon you want
for the little girls hair and her sash,
worth up to 35c per yard; Saturday
Special 15c
75c HAND BAGS soc
Ooze leather hand bags with long cord
handles. new shapes, gilt trimmed and
nicely lined with moire. These bags
come in black and eolors and are regular
75c values; Saturday Special soc.
$3.50 UNDERMUSLNS csc
Women's muslin undergarments- night
gowns, skirts, princess slips, drawers and
chemise. All garments are nicely made
and prettily trimmed with lace or en-
broidery. Several styles of each gar
ment are offered. Values up to $1.50;
Saturday Extra, Special, Annex, choice
CSC.
SIPS WAISTS 75c
White lingerie waists, a great variety,
made low or high necked with short or
medium length sleeves, and trimmed in
pretty ways with lace and embroidery.
All sizes are in the lot. Values TO $1.25;
Saturday Extra Special, Annex, you
have choice for 75c.
GOO SILK Isle HOSE 69c
Very sheer silk Isle hose but made with
double soles, heels and toes and good
strong garter tops, worth 9Oc per pair;
Saturday Special 69c.
SC FOLDING FANS &c
japanese folding paper fans, medium
size, decorated sticks, regular price is
sc; Saturday Special &c.
El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931, 1911-06-16
Saturday Shopping List

We have prepared, we think, an unusually at
tractive shopping list for tomorrow and to-
morrow evening. Every one of the items
listed is well worth your consideration, and
there are many good items, particularly in
ready to-wear, that are not listed. Be sure
and come to Calishers tomorrow or tomorrow
night
El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931, 1911-06-16

Hampshire it. When their alfalfa Is
ripe. have Connecticut 1t.
II Miss Anheuser Busch should
marry Mr. Lemp would Schlitz beer
second cousin.
II Mr.. Chandler doesnt want to mair-
tain his extravagant Partisan bride. he
better let some Frenchman Havre
If San Francisco should have an
other earthquake what would San
JOSEF
The government might have saved
all that expense and trouble In raising
the Maine by simply letting Gillette
razor
When Chattanooga gets that new
telescope focused on the moon she
ought to let Tennessee it.
If Havana should Guantanamo where
would Santiago?
If an air brake is TO stop a train,
what Is metaphor?
If our pretty stenographer should
elope with the daffydill editor. would
the type writer? Perhaps the Under
wood.
El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931, 1911-06-16

it have to be to make a bullion?
If the universe was turned upside
down, where would the skylight?
The COW was fresh, buttermilk
wasn't -
Paul Weiss, age 10. contributes
these:
If it takes nine innings to play a
game. how long will take TO Try
Speaker
If Madero came to the United States,
where would Orozco?
If it takes one ambulance to carry
six FOUNDED, how many will it take
TO Carrie Nation?
If it takes Johnson TWO and one-half
seconds to sap Jeffries, how long will
IT take to Sapolio?
If it takes me five minutes to take
shine, how long Will it take to shinola-
Clyde Holmes is responsible for
these:
If Walter Long raises chickens,
would Charlie Bassett?
If our wives all went to the coun-
try. would DR.. Cary and Witherspoon?
If by Providence we all got sick,
what would Hotel Dies?
If Capt Houck resigns, could a SUI
gar bowl?
]. S Cage. room SIS, E. P & S. W.
building, sends this Gae:
If that black picture hat" is in the
grandstand. does l. n Trimble?
Grady Weeks, age 13, sends this:
If a man walks fire miles, how far
can a brickwalk?
If this is FL Paso. Juarez heaven?
If the air pump, failed to work,
would COBB Eylar?
If a Carpenter makes a smooth
El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931, 1911-06-16

II you have the itch. don't scratch. It
does not cure the trouble and makes
the skin bleed. Apply BILLIARDS.
SNOW LINIMENT. Rub 1t in gently on
the affected parts. II relieves itching
instantly and a few applications re-
moves the cause thus performing a per-
manent cure. Price 25c.-50c and $500
Der bottle. Sold by Scott White & Co..
204 Mills, and Depot Pharmacy.
El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931, 1911-06-16

Grady Weeks, age Is, sends this:
If man walks fiFe miles, how far
can a brickwalk?
El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931, 1911-06-16

it have to be to make a bullion?
If the universe was turned upside
down, where would the skylight?
The COW was fresh, buttermilk
wasn't.
El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931, 1911-06-16

J. S. Cage. room SIS. E P. & S. W.
Hiding, sends this Gne:
If that black picture hat" is in the
grandstand, does l. II. Trimble?
El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931, 1911-06-16
DAFFY DAFFYDILLS:
ANOTHER ASSORTMENT

CONTINUED from page l.,
El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931, 1911-06-16
WoInen's Lawn Dresses
Extra Special 99c

Thee'are nepiece dresses made OF figured trimmed
with bands and piping plain They neced
and MILDLY collar styles regularly price
Extra Special tomorrow at
El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931, 1911-06-16

Another modest contributor sends in
El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931, 1911-06-16

Womens white handkerchiefs, full size,
good quality, narrow hemstitched edge.
worth to lie each; Saturday Special
El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931, 1911-06-16

CONTINUED from page y
If Louis Behr dances, can Harry
Wall?
santhemum?
El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931, 1911-06-16

If cement could not be used for sky
scrapers would wood do for Fewel?
The Hawaiian gazette., 1911-01-17
SIDELIGHTS
STUDY THE CHINESE.

you Celestial than already knowf
the beast Of burden painted by
be convinced that human instincts and
intelligence passions Of his brthgh.i If 80
meeting the gathering convinced that
their and important still them their reaives-the parents
Confucus them ver children they
stoId7 No Indifferent Intensely, almost fanatny
enthusiasicf Yes emphatcally
accompanied by
against the
Chinese consul perhaps beautiful Mahni Christmas Tree
artistic the Floral Parade imposing the Inaugural
on of the county officials But interesting than of the
picturesque
than The Advertisers 1ashght able show The speakers
with both the stripes and the dragon and filed with
thousands orenta from walk
life yelling apaung ny fixed on the speaker
appreciate Coaess men
bare wearing hats which defy description there's merchants
Immediately atti there's fellows with Understanding collars
penleaher there And above all spirit
there which reminded the the
French Revolution
attracted meeting and who unquenab believed that many of
the explosives stood for M the SNAKE and occasional taking his
wife children for airing
meeting police that. But
mkai
talking
II the
expanded into smiles But for the hour
always written the faces, and when
applause telling hit the twinkle vanished although the bright
remained the together which the
determination orderly
bulldog Go
meeting
magnificent mscun Breckon bluff able
to different prevailing
passing subject objection of
the awyncompetent irrelevant and mmaa worth noting just
The stand said draped with Old Glory the yellow
like their
mythical quadrup the insignia left;
course they Could
anything be simper7
sorry present
which prevented his attendance
The Hawaiian gazette., 1911-01-17
TRIES TO ASSAULT
MOUNTED OFFICER

The tribulations of mounted police
officer on duty at Iwilei nearly resulted,
Saturday night, in the demolition of
Fred Wright, one of the ablest of Sher.
iff Jarrett's mounted squad, when a
burly Porto Rican tried to put him hors
de combat.
Wright had been called by a tenant
in one of the Iwilei tenements whose
peace was being disturbed by rumpus
downstairs in the quarters of a Porto
Rican woman. Wright proceeded to in
vestigate and threw out a Porto Rican
negro, who appeared to be the center
Of disturbance.
AS soon as the man had recovered
his somewhat intoxicated balance he
proceeded to take off his coat and go
for the officer and a lot of delighted
Russians and japanese thronged around
to see the fun. Some one telephoned
to the police station for reinforcements,
thinking that Wright was being
mobbed and the deputy sheriff and cap
tain of the watch went down in the
H. P. D. auto, only to find Wright, with
his uniform all awry, conveying Porto
Rican negro, some time obstreperous,
but at the moment extremely docile, to
headquarters.
The Hawaiian gazette., 1911-01-17
WHAT IS AN Az1MUTH 2

you nothing something happy possession
of that knowledge that feminine
off For last and further
70 conhagrations
hmeedy mentioned
azmuth' Never will should
looked like
which all births
leaf left blank the able fell
Azmuth looked as good to did the apple to Eve
the old mentioned punished
did that ightfuIy
although think punishment less because her first
ofne For the told what azimuh tried
After reading discussion
dictionary of
of the of observation"
known nange for
resembles either Isenbe Bill
that Jake Browns and No be readily distinguished Care
bothered Anybody all
that
employees slams the door of his
all right heaveny my troubles
knowledge sufficient the significance
'bodies could coba
able
figure it, heavenly body
must be fixed and the meridian business determined by Hanawa
forget take observations although making
Deacon Dck Trent would have served be
thing of the Bcknl
appear certainly bodies
aAOat which rather suspicion though the heavenly
o
Star course all right Jasper
to that it adhered the
to ButI can't the
angle meridian don't know POssbprObably
In short, what is azmuthI We
to know order that Mani Andrade resigned
to Jaor Asch lack knowledge the
meaning of the term responsible for failure know when eadng
on forbidden ground.
The Hawaiian gazette., 1911-01-17
COMMISSIONED Keefe and Hawai-
The ArgOnaut

Commissioner Of Labor Keefe, whose
name gives a psychological impression
Of his views on industrial questions,
is back from Hawaii with blood in his
eye. Like his anionized predecessor,
Mr.. Sargent, he found a state Of things
there which, If he can not improve, he
means to use as an irritant. In re-
cent conference with Mayor Mccarthy
and other economists of that ilk, Mr..
Keefe painted a very dismal picture.
White labor, he said, had no show in
Hawaii; pauper wages prevailed and
the cost of living was 90 per cent
greater than it is here. If the planters
succeeded in importing enough more
Filipinos the chance for white labor
regaining lost ground would not be
worth taking. Such an influx of un-
desirable aliens, the commissioner
thought, ought to he stopped, SO the
planters might be forced to employ
white men at american wages,'' who,
as he seemed to think, had been forced
by coolies out of the right to hold the
Jobs. Not being a constitutional law
yer, Mr.. Keefe did not say how the
fslittle brown brothers. of President
Taft could be kept by legal process
from the pursuit of employment any
where in American jurisdiction; and
he also failed to quote specific cases
of white Americans ever having work
ed in sugar cane fields or wanting to
at any wages. But perhaps these were
unimportant matters Of detail he meant
to leave to the merely inquisitive.
Now let us understand the truth
about the modern sugar industry. 1t is
one that can only live by cheap labor
Formerly sugar was a luxury and cost
dollar a pound. Now the retail price
ranges from fifteen TO seventeen
pounds for a dollar Colored labor, OF
the kind Injured to the tropics, brought
this economic condition about and i:
maintaining it; and it is to the interest
of all who consume sugar, particularly
the poor, that the price should not ma
terially advance.
Hawaii in its production of cane
sugar completes with Louisiana, Brazil
the Philippines. Cuba. Porto Rico, Java
l-lHuld, ana a lew QUIET NOT cOuHIIleS
Negroes and orientals do the wag,
work. If Hawaii were to adop
American wages" meaning a unioI
labor scale, it could not sell its dea
sugar in competition with the produc
of Cuba, the Philippines, and Louisiani
at all, and would have to go out of tn
business, with no recourse except II
other specialized tropical products, in
Guiding coffee, which also require chea,
labor. There would, of course, be n
gain to the white man by the change
Indeed. the thousands of white men i
Hawaii who live directly or indirectl
3 from the sugar business would eithe
4 have to leave the Islands or stay Their
The Hawaiian gazette., 1911-01-17
LIES DOWN TO SLEEP
AND NEVER AWAKES
(From Monday Is Advertiser. !

(from Mondays Advertiser.l
> After going about his regular duties
all day yesterday Jose Abreu, Port
uguese, slxty-fve years of age, was
found dead on the floor of his home
yesterday evening The cause of death
is at present unknown, an autopsy be-
ing ordered for this morning to aseer-
tain it, if possible, there being mere
suspicion that it might have been
caused by fall from a car he expert
enced the night before he died.
Friday night while riding on an east
bound Punahou car, he dismounted on
Beretania avenue a little beyond the
Queens Hospital grounds, without ring
ing the bell and without waiting for the
car to stop. He fell rather heavily to
the ground, but after being picked up
he was to all appearances all right,
cussed rather heartily at the car crew
and went home, after his name had been
| taken by the conductor.
Yesterday morning he went about
his work, back of the Gonsalves place
on Gonsalves lane, and was given his
lunch at noon. When he was called in
the evening he did not answer and
investigation showed him dead on the
floor He had evidently laid down to
sleep on the floor and had not recover
ed consciousness.
He was living alone and, so far as
known, has no immediate relative in
Honolulu.
The Hawaiian gazette., 1911-01-17
COMPLICATIONS DON'T
WORRY HIM ANY NOW

One of the passengers who passed
through yesterday on the Mongolia was
William Mcmillan, who some time ago
was about to marry the famous actress,
Edna Goodrich. just at the last mo.
ment, however, Nat Goodwin stepped in
and married her.
r. The case was one which created a
good deal Of interest in New York at
the time and the matter Of the Me.
Millan'GoOdrieh marriage was at that
time supposed 10 be a certainty. No
one gave Goodwin q loOk,in, but he
played his cards so well that when the
hands were thrown down he was found
TO possess the queen. Goodwin had
only been divorced a short while from
Maxine Elliott. AZ present Goodwin 10
again In the divorce court, as tho fair
Edna 10 trying 10 rid herself Of Nat
The Hawaiian gazette., 1911-01-17
STRANGE WAYS
OF ONE COLLEGE

WASHINGTON, Pennsylvania, De-
cember 29,--washington and Jefferson
College has relinquished claim on s4O,-
900 endowment because it was feared
that the widow and six children of the
donor needed the money more. Before
his death, a year ago, the donor, who
is a graduate, made a codicil to his
win, bequeathing the 100000, which
was in addition TO $4,000 which he
had already set apart for the college.
President j. d. Motfatt made the an
nouncement of rejection at a meeting
Of the board OF trustees yesterday, say
ing that to. accept 1t would diminish
the estate 80 as 10 leave an insufficient
amount for the support Of the widow
and her children.
II IL believed that In making the Co
dell tho donor oyerostimaled the value
0f the estate.