davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Northern Wisconsin advertiser. [volume] (Wabeno, Wis.) 1898-1925, 1911-08-25
A Thirst for information.

Say, pap"
What is it?"
Who made the after-dinner
speeches at Belshazzar's feast?"
Northern Wisconsin advertiser. [volume] (Wabeno, Wis.) 1898-1925, 1911-08-25

Mrs. Nelson-My husband is awfuiiy
absent-minded.
Mrs. Bilson-In what way?
Mrs. Nelson-He went fishing yes
terday. When he had finished ne
threw away the fish and brought homs
the halt
Northern Wisconsin advertiser. [volume] (Wabeno, Wis.) 1898-1925, 1911-08-25

Even pessimists can see the bright
side of a silver dollar
Northern Wisconsin advertiser. [volume] (Wabeno, Wis.) 1898-1925, 1911-08-25

A man may like a girl all the more
because she seems to like him less.
Northern Wisconsin advertiser. [volume] (Wabeno, Wis.) 1898-1925, 1911-08-25

What some lawyers don't know
isn't worth lying about.
Northern Wisconsin advertiser. [volume] (Wabeno, Wis.) 1898-1925, 1911-08-25

w. N. u, MILWAUKEE, NO. a4-ts11.
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-02-15

snake. Tall. strong. 1.-THE and smiling Abe toiled
on as farm laborer, mule driver, sheep feeder,
deer killer, woodcutter, and, lastly, as boatman
on the waters of the Wabash and the Mississippi"
Another English writer in describing the pres
ident is still more realistic than his countryman
when he says:
ITO say that he is ugly is nothing; to add that
his figure is grotesque is to convey adequate
impression. Fancy a many six feet high. and
then out of proportion: with long bony arms and
legs. which somehow seem to be always in the
way with great rugged furrowed hands, which
grasp you like wise when shaking yours; with
long shaggy neck and chest too narrow for
the great arms at its side.
Add to this figure a head cocoanut shaped
and somewhat too small for such a stature Gov
cred with rough, uncombed and uncombable hair
that stands out in every direction at once; face
furrowed. wrinkled and indented as though 1t
had been SCARED by vitriol; high. narrow fore
head; and sunk deep beneath bushy eyebrows two
bright dreamy eyes that seem to gaze through
you without looking at you; a few irregular
blotches OF black bristly hair n the place where
beard and whiskers ought to grow; a close set
thin Tipped, stern mouth. with two rows Of large
white teeth and a nose and which have
been taken by mistake from head twice the
size.
"Clothe this figure. then, in a long tight badly
fitting suit OF black creased. soiled and puckered
up at every salient point of the figure land ev.
cry point OF this figure is SALIENT put on large
nlhttlng boots. gloves too long for the long bony
fingers, and a fluffy hat covered to the top with
dusty. puffy Grape; and then add TO this AN air
of strength, physical as well as moral and a
strange look OF dignity coupled with Ell this gro
tesqueness. and you will have the impression left
upon me by Abraham Lincoln"
Ward Lamon. who knew him intimately goes
more into details He says: Mr. Lincoln was
about six feet four inches high the length OF his
legs being out of all proportion to that of his
body. When he sat down in a chair he seemed
no taller than an average man, measuring from
the chair to the crown of his head: but his knees
rose high in front, and a marble placed on the
cap OF one would roll down a steep descent to
the hip, He weighed about $50 pGands but he
was thin through the breast, narrow across the
shoulders. and had the general appearance of a
consumptive subject Standing up he stopped
slightly forward sitting down. he usually crossed
his long legs threw them over the arms of the
chair the most convenient mode OF dsposing
of them. His head was long and tall from the
base of the brain and the eyebrow" his fore
head big and narrow. but inclining backward as
It rose.
The diameter of his head from ear to ear was
GIG inches and from front to back eight inches
His ears were large. standing out almost at right
angles from his head; his cheek bones high and
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-02-15

suaded the people that he was one of them the
moment be made his appearance on the plat.
form-his LONELINESS and his intimate and apt
use OF the single Epeech they could understand
There are anecdotes which are intended TO show
that even Ia community of persons not noted
for manly beauty he considered prominently
the reverse. Yet although this the subject
of jests at his expense, no one thought any the
less OF him for II. This homeliness-call 1t ug-
illness II you will-of his face, the awkwardness
OF his form. and the ungainliness OF his gestures
and attitudes seemed to the people to go natu-
rally with HIS goodness OF heart and the simple
it, of his nature.
In their eyes when advocating the cause OF the
oppressed and when opposing the forces which
would destroy the nation he became to many pos
itively handsome. AS years afterward one old
man who knowed" him said.
lots of em will tell you he was homely
Seems to me that's about all some folks around
here has TO tell about Abraham Lincoln Yes.
knowed him., they say. He was the homeest
man in Sangamon county Well. now, don't you
make no mistake The folks that don't tell you
nuthn' but that never knowed Mr.. Lincoln Meb-
be they'd seen him. but they never knowed him.
He want homey. There's no denyin' he was
long and lean. and he didn't always stand straight
and he wasn't pertikeer about his clothes but
that night up TO Bloomington in ten minutes after
he struck the platform. tell you he was the
handsomest man ever see"
1Ao uouth AFTER MS IrSt election the puDllCa-
ton Once Week in London printed the follow
ing personal sketch of Lincoln:
Abraham Lincoln is gaunt giant more than
six feet high strong and long limbed Hewalks slow
and. like many thoughtful men Wordsworth and
Napoleon. for example), keeps his head inclined
forward and downward. His hair is wIry black
his eyes are dark gray. his smile is frank sin
cere and winning, Like most American gentle
men. he Is loose and careless in dress turns down
ais Tapping white collars and wears habtually
what wo consider evening dress. His head is
massive. his brow full and wide his nose large
and 1eshy. his mouth coarse and full; his eyes
are sunken, his bronzed face is thin and drawn
down into strong corded lines that disclose the
machinery that moves ths broad Jaw This great
leader of the Republican party-this abotionist
this terror of the Democrats-this honest old
lawyer, with face haltRoman, halfIndian so
wasted by climate. SCARED by lifes struggle
was born in 1909 In Kentucky His grandfather
who came from Virginia was killed by the Indi-
ans. His father died young, leaving a widow and
several children. They removed to Indiana Abe
being at the time only six years old. Poor and
struggling, his mother could only afford him some
eight months rough schooling; and In the clear
ings OF that new and unsettled country the
healthy STRIPPING went to work TO hew hickory
and gum trees. to grapple with demonstrating
bears, and to look for the too frequent rattle
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-02-15

main He was a plain homey, sad weary-looking
man. to whom ones heart warmed involuntarily'
because he seemed at once miserable and Kind
James B Fry who became Intimately acquant-
ed with Lincoln early in the latters political ca
reer says: Lincoln tall and thin; his long
bones were united by large joints and he had long
neck and an angular face and head Many like
nesses represent his face we'll enough, but none
that have ever seen do justice to the awkward
and ungainlness of his figure. His feet,
hanging loosely TO his ankles. were prominent
objects, but his hands were more conspicuous even
than his feet-due perhaps to thu fact that cere-
mony at times compelled him to cothe them in
white kid gloves, which always fitted loosely,
Both in the height of conversation and in the depth
of reflection his hand now and then ran over or
supported his head. giving his hair habituay dis
ordered aspect.
His expression in repose sad and dull, but
his overcoming humor at short intervals, flashed
forth with the brilliancy of an electric light
observed but two well defined expressions in HIS
countenance; one that Of pure, thoughtful hon
est man. absorbed by sense of duty and respon
sibilty; the other that of humorst so full of fun
that he could not keep it all in. His power OF
analysis was wonderful He strengthened every
case he stated and no anecdote or joke ever lost
force or effect from his telling.
Apropos of his large feet there is anecdote
told of Lincoln when he In the legislature:
He had walked his hundred miles to Vandslia, In
1886, as he had in 1884 and when the session
closed he walked home again. gentleman of
Menard county remembers meeting him and de-
tachment of the long nine" on their way home
They were all mounted except Lincoln, who had
thus lar kept up with them foot. II he had any
money he boarding it for more important pur
poses than that of saving leg WEAKNESS and
leather. The weather and Lincoln's
clothing none OF the warmest
Complaining Of being cold to one Of his conn.,
panions, this irreYerent member of the long nine"
told his future president that it was wonder
that he was cold--"there much OF him on
the ground" None OF the party appreciated this
homely Joke at the expense of his feet (they were
doubtless able to bear it) more thoroughly than
Lincoln did We can imagine the cross fires Of wit
and humor by which the way was enlivensd during
this cold and tedious journey
The scene was certainly rude one and seems
more like dream than a reality, when We re-
member that it occurred not many years ago. in
state which contains hardly less than three
millions OF people and zoe miles Of railway.
Cassius NJ. Clay in describing address which
he delivered at Springfield in 1856 says: Lincoln
and Browning lay upon the ground whiting sticks
and heard throughout with marked attention
Hurrytng on to my appointments, saw him then
no more | never shall forget his long. ungainly
person and plain but even then sad and thoughtful
features"
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-02-15
Mur Sat on Uncle Peters Chest.

still afflicted. Did Murf say that he
was on here with a string of horses"
HE did" she said, stonily.
Poor old Murf! A string of seven
horses for me?"
"a string of seven horses for you,
yes!"
TOO bad; / was so in hopes Murf
was better. Did he say that Uncle
Owen considered me big Casino on
the Eastern tracks?"
His very words" Clara ]. said.
Isn't it pitiful to think Murf is no
better,9 l went on; but he's per
fectly harmless"
"Harmless!" she repeated.
Perfectly So" l answered. Hes
been that way for years. When quite
a young man a thoroughbred horse
belonging to my Uncle Owen kicked
Murf on the head and ever since that
day the poor fellow is always arriving
in the East with a string Of seven
horses for the big Casino on the East
ern tracks. He's what we call colt
crazy in medical circles. As soon as
l meet him he'll tell me the horses are
well. see If he doesn't"
Clara j. began to walk slowly up
to the straight goods counter and l
felt that a catastrophe had been
averted.
Lets go and see Murf!" l sug-
gested, "but let me handle him So
long as l don't deny what he says
about horses you'll find him the quiet
boy with the gentle gaze; and if he
does insist that I'm a horse owner.
give him the belief smile and pass 1t
up"
On the veranda Murf and Uncle
Peter were conyersing earnestly, but
directly we appeared Murf arose and
said. "Yo' colts are doing fuss class.
sub; but I reckon yo' all best come
down and look them ovah. sub,
We are qua'ted only about three
miles away from here, surf"
Didn't l call the turn?" l whis-
pered to Clara J. Put Uncle Peter
wise to Murf's condition and tell him
not to make any breaks.
GuNA6 IttEE 5NONACQ ANANNAs - ~
and joined Clara j., while / shook
Murf's hand and lied how glad l was
to see him.
This here old man is yo' uncle,
subj" Murf inquired.
My wife's uncle" l replied.
That's some bettah. sub; being
no blood relation. it won't hut 20
pride so much when l tell 20 all that
he has lightning bugs in his hayloft, ="
Murf said. earnestly.
What has the old gentleman done
to you, Murf7" / inquired.
Done, subj" shifted Murf. con-
temptuously: when l Informed him.
sub. tht ] had brought seven bosses
on from Kaintucky for 20 all he be-
gan to froth at the mouth. sub, And
when told him that yo' Uncle Owen
went oyah the final and full co'se be
lieving that 20 all was big Casino on
the Eastern tracks, sub, that old
truck boss laughed IN my face. sub.
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-02-15

About horse racing" she added.
with falling barometer and increasing
eloudiness, winds shifting to north
east. probably snow.
The mans name is Murf Higgin-
bottoml" she said, quietly, looking
me straight in the eye.
"Murf Higginbottomi" echoed
slowly, while got good grip and
pulled myself together.
Eyes, Murf Higginbottom." she
said, questioningly.
Dear old Murf," murmured; $50
he did get out to see US after all Bless
his kind heart, how does he look?"
Il presume he looks as he usually
does; you ought to know" she an
swered, haughtily.
"All the way from Kentucky to see
me-" went on as though thinking
aloud. "He was my Uncle Owens
best friend-Uncle Owen Henry, of
Lexington, Kentucky
Cara ]. watched me narrowly.
Poor Uncle Owen is dead!" l said,
with sob.
Uncle owen is deau! cara j..
said In establishment.
Eyes, dear, but don't cry; I'll bear
the blow alone" cut in.
II had no thought of crying. l
assure you," she answered. why
| never even heard of this Uncle Owen
before"
Neither did I!-that is, I mean 1
never heard of him dying until he was
dead!-a very sad case. The news
only reached me yesterday, but kept
it from you and l bore up and was
cheerful just for your sake, Peaches. :"
She didn't know just how to size
me up.
And now Murf is here" l started
again "Murf was my Uncle Owens
care for years. wonder If Murf is
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-02-15

street before you can buy that auto
mobile you promised me?"
did l threaten to get one of those
kerosene carts for you?" l answered
I'm getting so absent minded. Well
iust as soon as the new styles are
ready I'll get a devil wagon for you.
Peaches. that viii burn up the barn
everytime IL goes out"
Clara J. didn't know exactly wheth-
err was kidding her or not. SO she
laughed and dipped her oars.
An hour later she was back again
Just when ] had my pipe burning fine
and my horses had won me SS9. 900.
| hated TO wake up.
John" she said. i've been talk
ing for some gt.le time with a pecu-
liar.looking stranger who came to see
you"
yes" I said; what's the answer"
From what he says / am led to
believe that you are deeeiving me-"
she came back at me. coldly and
cuttingly.
"Deceiving youi" repeated.
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-02-15

WueW5 Out my seven geo gees nau
let me in for lot Of trouble. Ny
late uncle had wiiled me seven
horses, and they had been delivered
to me secretly by his old trainer,
Murf Higginbottom, at Jersey City.
When ! returned to town to meet
Clara ]. and Tacks at the restaurant,
who should butt in but my old friend.
Dixie Lawrence. Dixie was half seas
over and had demanded an apology
for my falling to recognize him in
Jersey City.
Tacks laughed half the way home,
but Clara ]. kept handing me the
verbal ice pitcher
What's the matter, Peaches? sure
ly you're not angry because the old
original jag builder butted in! Dixie
doesn't mean any harm. believe me;
and, besides. / couldn't help It'll
didn't see him first" I explained
"Oh' Mr.. Lawrence didn't worry
me-" she answered; 81 felt sorry for
him. that's all"
Then why don't you haul "a the
cold wave fiag?" insisted.
Yes. but you went to Jersey City
alone, and I've been begging you for
six months to go over there with me
and call on Aunt Debbie Williams"
Clara J. complained.
'fIs that all that's worrying your"
| answered. You see, had to go
over there on business-stock bust
ness-aud that's no idle dream. The
first time | get hold of an evening that
really hate I'll take it over to Aunt
Deb's and kill it. Well do a society
call that will make her and the parrot
sit up and notice us. Come on, now,
Peaches. let's tear up the divorce
papers and be good friends again,"
Clara J. smiled and then / knew
the storm was over.
Bright and early next morning
Uncle Peter was down on our porch
throwing the hooks into me about my
recent Wall street deal. By failing
to take advice 1 had lost a wad of
paper profits.
How much are you ahead, John?"
he asked. delightedly
OF course I couldn't afford to let
him know that l had sawdust in the
coco so yawned and said, "Oh!
about $s,0OO!" in bored sort of way.
Fine" chuckled the old gentle
man; now you take my advice and
stay out of the market for week or
two"
Sure as you i've" answered.
earnestly. Make 1t three weeks
I'll give the street a chance to re-
cover from the jolt gave it. 1t
doesn't seem right to go down and
yank the yellowbacks away from
those busy boys in the Bond district,
so I'll let up on them for a while, Ell,
Uncle Peter?"
The old man took my josh as bit
of on-the-level reading matter and
said, Leave 1t to me. I'll tell you
when TO get in again and when to
get out. After that stormy drop in
Westerns yesterday the market is
bound TO be unsteady. Walk slow,
John and watch me-"
promised to be very careful and
went in the house to figure out just
how | stood in the matter of ready
cash. After a hard dig l found that
over and above home comforts l could
roll up just eleven hundred dollars.
enough to keep Murf and the seven
orphan skates out of the poorhouse
for few days, at any rate.
After breakfast l sat down in my
dope den to map out a plan of cam
paign and presently Clara ]. came in
and said. "Iohn. how much more
money will you have to make in Wall
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-02-15

permit some few people 10 use tnelr
laugh on me. passonally. bur / allow
no one. sub. 10 laugh AT 20 Uncie
Owens beliefs. now that IS too ever
lasting late 70 change them. SUBJ"
Good old Murf. yor mustn't mind
Uncle Peter: he's sun-tounched,
said. tapping my forehead signih-
cantly.
obi" said Murf: 'Iocoed?"
Plum, on the horse question"
answered; but otherwise as harm
less as kitten. He was kicked On
the forehead some years ago by a
roadster, and now even the mention
of a horse puts him up in the air
Talk automobiles to him, Murf, and
be on the safe side"
i reckon yo' all best excuse me
from any automobile talk" said Murf,
earnestly. Il nevah hope to see the
day, sub, when one Of them foolish
wagons can rise high enough in my
esteem TO be talked about. I'm a
hossman, and from Kaintucky, subj"
At that moment, Clara J., Aunt
Martha. Uncle Peter and Tacks APP
peared. and it was evident from their
actions that family council in re-
gard to Murf's supposed mental con-
dition had just adjourned pending
further investigation.
The two ladies remained at safe
distance and whispered together sym
pathetically from time to time. while
Tacks armed himself with a rock and
prepared for the worst
But the hit of the show was Uncle
Peter. He danced around Murf with
broad grin on his face and bowed
extravagantly.
Murf sided up to me. did yo'
all say he's harmless?" he whispered.
hoarsely.
Perfectly sol" 1 answered; Thu
NOR him, though"
Uncle Peter called me aside. "Sure
he's harmless?" he asked, cage ly.
Perfectly So" / told him; but
humor him"
The two eyed each other and began
to grin foolishly. 1t was my cue to
crack a rib, but l had to keep a
straight face or lose the fight.
Presently Uncle Peter and Murf
were strolling around the lawn to-
gether, the former laying himself out
trying to be pleasant, while the latter
kept watching his companion out of
the corner of his eye.
l Joined Clara J. and Aunt Martha
to tell them that the visitor was as
docile as a pet lamb, when suddenly
an awful yell caused us to turn quick
ly, and we beheld Uncle Peter down
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-02-15
Not Wholly Disabled

Il amt feelin very well today
said the man with the ginger colored
beard, taking his accustomed seat on
the pickle barrel I've got q touch
OF the rheumatic in my right laig. a
kind o. dull ache in the small OF nv
back. ray heads all stopped up. an
Yes" spoke up the grocer. and
you've got eorns. ingrowin' toenails.
neuralgy. chllblains. bunions. ring
bone. SPAWN. heaves and your liver's
all out Of order. but there haint been
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-02-15

, on the lawn kicking furiously, while
Murf sat on his chest and swatted him
in the ribs.
In a moment l had pulled them
apart and Murf exclaimed, when
the gentleman infomed me. sub, that
he used to be a brokah in Wall street,
l fo'got for the moment that he is off
his dip, sur, and l plugged him one
for yo' Uncle Owens sake, sub. &C
cording to certain promises made to
myself, sub! I'll be glad to see yo' all
at ouah training quatahs tomorrow,
subj" End with this Murf politely
do.sed his hat to the alarmed ladies
and strobe off majestically down the
road.
81 beg pardon, Uncle Peter"
said, but on the level. forgot to tell
you not to mention wall street to
poor old Murf"
"Confound you and poor old
Murfl" spluttered my surprised and
bewildered relative, feeling the dis
/ turbed portions of his anatomy care
fully for breakages. "The man is a
/ lunatic. Harmless, indeed! It's my
belief he ought to be in an asylum.
Oh! my chesti my chest! believe
| it's crushed I'M"
Aunt Martha. in tears. ran hither
and back in wild alarm. "Oh.
Peter!" she cried; you must put on
mustard plaster at once. Tacks.
dear. run and get the mustard Come
| in the house, Peter, and lie down.
Oh. John, don't let that horrid man
, come here AGAIN." and with this they
all rushed in to spring the first aid to
the injured gag on Uncle Peter.
knew the old gentleman was more
frightened than hurt. so / sat down on
the wheelbarrow and treated myself
to hearty laugh.
Present a wild war whoop issued
/ from the interior OF the house and
Uncle Peter came running out, claw
ing at his manly bosom.
Take it off! take it Off" he yelled:
ct isn't mustard. Mustard only
burns; this is biting clean through to
my backbone! Take it on" and with
this he threw the offending plaster
out on the lawn and rushed of up
stairs like one pursued by dogs.
I picked up the cause Of the riot
and looked it over as Tacks Grew nigh.
'You said the other day that Uncle
Peter was bughouse. so when Aunt
Martha wanted to make the mustard
plasted / gave her the can of insect
powder" he said. softly
Isn't that boy the limit?
Copyright by G, W Dillingham; Cob
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-02-15

a writing desk which belonged to
Charles Dickens is to be sold this
week at the mart IA Wellington street.
This is the desk whose reckless
treatment by american railway por-
ters he bitterly laments in letter ad-
dressed to John Forster, dated De-
cember %. 1857. Nearly every case
have" he writes, 'is already broken.
When we started from Boston yester.
day behSl6 TO my 1nspeakable
NEnazemsnt Scott my dresser, bearing
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-02-15
Needed some,hlnn to Do.

One OF his friends once asked Mr..
Darwin's gardener about his masters
health and how he had been lately.
OH" he said, my poor master has
been very sadly. I often wish he had
something to do. He moons about in
the garden. and have seen him stand
doing nothing before a flower for ten
minutes at a time II he only had
something to do really believe he-
would be better"
Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1911-02-15

a day for the last IA pears vkea YOU
wasn't able to come to my store and
put up 8 boiler about the way the
country's goin TO the devil. and what
you'd do II you was runnin' thinEsl
why dor't you git some real disablIn'
disease. gosh durr YET