davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11
Why Lawyers Go to Heaven
Rather, Why They Don't Go
Elsewhere

The Devil came to to tho earth one
day,
And INTO a Courtroom took his way,
Just as a Lawyer, with very grave
face,
Was proceeding to argue the points
in case.
Now, a Lawyer His Majesty new
err had seen,
For to his dominion none ever had
been:
"'Tis the fault Of my agents." His
Majesty thought,
"rhat none of these Lawyers have sv-
er been caught"
And for his own pleasure he had felt
desire
To come to the earth and the reason
inquire.
Now, when the first Lawyer had come
to a close,
The Counsel opposing him fearlessly
rose,
And heaped much abuse on the head
of the first,
And made MIN Vlileln, OF al nnsu
the worst;
Each claimed he was right and the
other was wrong.
They spared and contended and A.
gued SO long
That, concluding he'd heard enough
OF the fuss,
"Old Nick" turned away and solilo-
quized thus:
"They have puzzled the court with
their villainous cAvil,
And am free to confess they have
puzzled the devil;
My agents are right-let the lawyers
alone:
If had 'em, they'd suchre mo out Of
my throne"
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11
au,tina . Watermelon.

Arguing tlht 1.-THE favor of water
melon depends largely upon how you
choose IT." Wilbur Nesbit gives these
directions In the Chicago Post: TO
choose watermelon go to small
town and walt on the main street until
freckled boy drives In on wagon
loud of the dainties. Thump the lar
gest one. and If 1t responds with a
soiidly hollow PUNK pay the boy bis
quarter. seek secluded spot. break
the melon on fencepost and let M
ture take its course" The Nashville
American offers as nm amendment.
BETTER still. grab the biggest one In
the patch when the discouraged moon
Is overcome by clouds and then pro-
coed according to directions without a
regret for the absent salt. fork and
napkin" r.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11
II our mistakes teach us nothing,
it were hardly worth while to make
them.
Saved Many from, Death

w. l.. Mock, of Mock, Ark, be-
lieves that he has saved many lives
in his twenty-five years experience
in the drug business. "What 1 al
ways like to do" he writes, lis to re-
commend DIR. Kings New Discovery
for weak, sore lungs, hard colds,
hoarseness, obstinate coughs, la grip
pc, Group, asthma, or other bronchial
affections, for feel sure thata num-
Der of my neighbors are alive and
we'll today because they took my ad-
vice to use it. honestly believe its
the best throat and lung medicine
that's made" Easy to prove he's
right. Get a trial bottle free, or a
regular SOC or $l.OO bottle. Guaran-
teed by all druggists.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11
THE ARCTIC OCEAN.
There 10 Still Plenty Of Work There
For the Explorers.


Dillon Wallace In Outing discusses
the unexplored regions of the world.
He shows clearly that there Is much
work ahead for the explorer. OF the
arctic regions he says:
What now remains Of the Arctic
ocean to be explored! Turning to the
map we may oil In upon the open
space a strip thirty miles In width
extending from Cape Columbia. at the
north of Grant Land. the highest ex-
tremity OF Ellexmere islnnd. to the
pole. and a circular space thirty miit.s
In diameter with the pole as its center
1t will be seen that this Is very small
area indeed as compared with the un-
known Arctic ocenn as q whole. Prac-
ticaily all of that vast expanse Of
ocean lying between the meridians OF
eighty degrees west and 1870 degrees
west. the pole, and the seventy second
parallel. leaving out of consideration
the islands southwest Of Grant Land.
Is absolutely unexplored and unknown:
of the remainder. less than half has
been explored at all. and that very
specifically.
-What may lie within this area 1t IL.
Of course. impossible to surmise. 1t
may be simply an Ice covered sea. and
It may contain extensive land areas.
"Here. then. are doubtless hidden
many geographical secrets worthy the
efforts of adventurous Investigators.
But 1t must be remembered that geo.
graphical secrets are not the only &C.
crets held by the Arctic ocean. the fer
rcting out of which will tend to the
worlds advantage and advancement.
The tides. the currents. meteorological
and other scientific observations In this
region are certain to result In dis
coveries Of Importance and utility"
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

! At dinner given by Andrew Carne-
gle an eminent judge, seated halfway
down the table. was deeply Immersed
In conversation with his neighbor
when the host opened up the subject
Of the British coinage system and
showed signs of wishing undivided at
tention.
every other civilized nation" he
detained. "has the decimal system.
while England adheres to the absurd
and cumbrous table Of pounds. shil-
lings and pence" (Rap. rap. rap9
The raps were for the judge. who
remained absorbed in his own CONVEX
sation. "And even farthings." con-
tinued the ironmaster-'1s there any
thing else in finance SO ridiculous az
the farthingT RAP. rapD
1 The Judge glanced around somewhat
impatiently.
"Judge c." Mr. Carnegie called out,
"why do the British continue their
coinage Of farthings?'
ITO enable the Scotch to practice
benevolence, Mr.. Carnegie returned
the judge.-Success Magazine.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11
FOOD FRAUD in FRANCE.
Authorizations YisId q Profit Of Hun
drsd Millions . Year.

a IA....i... V;.Il proEt A 4 Hun.
@e"'s',o" ..:,,s. -
osa '". ,. =.
Aou'era,,oh VI 'oo~ ~ nno ooo
sara 10 result ~ p'on, y. so'ooo'
year remarks Tue sc'eu''ae M,
ican- hreaa' ~hlcn may s.. 49, ,"a..
the hatlonhi iood VI r.""e "as 'o"s
been ndulterhted iarse'y WIN .a'e. =
substance "nlcn ID NOT ou'y i"uise.i.
Bile. but Is exceedihk'y 'rri'ht'hs ~ 'ie
gastro-tntestmai mucous 'he''prun.e
because OF the sharp crystai fragments
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

What II the currents Of your life
Are foiled and vexed and 60 amiss
: And trouble your whole portion is?
Faint not. All victory comes through strife
What II thousand shafts of wrong
, And grieyous obstacles and hate
Pursue you early, long and late?
Yield not. but keep your courage strong.
What II the world seems simply made
To sweep your dearest hopes away
: And balk your efforts day by day?
Care not. Move onward unafraid.
What II your best work brings but pain.
Psrplexity and loss and doubt?
! Faint not. but fight the battle out.
No worthy life u lived in vain.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11
A Fathers Vengeance

would have fallen on any one who
attacked the son Of Peter Bondy, OF
South Rock wood, Mich, but he was
powerless before attacks Of kidney
trouble. doctors could not help
him." he wrote, $50 At last We gave
him Electric Bitters, and he improv-
ed wonderfully from taking six bot
ties. Its the best kidney medicine
ever saw" Backache. tired feeling.
nervousness, loss of appetite, warn Of
kidney trouble that may end in dis
betes, dropsy or brights disease. Be-
ware! Take Electric Bitters and be
safe. Every bottle guaranteed. 6Oc,
all druggists.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

uTbere could be no better medicine
than Chamberlain's Cough Remedy
NV children were all sick with whoop-
ing cough. One of them was in bed
had u high fever, and was coughing
up blood. Our doctor gave them
Chamberlain's Cough Remedy, and
the first dose eased them and three
bottles cured them," says Mrs. H. a.
Donaldson, OF Lexington, Miss. Fol
sale by all dealers.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11
Land Of w;ndmi,is.

The great windmill country is Ar
gentina-plenty of water from 10 TO
800 feet underground throughout the
vast level. unbroken plain. as extern
sive in area as one-third Of the whole
United States. but all like our prairie
lands. and wind blowing across the
even stretches all the year around.
The grazing lands are dotted with
windmflls. and Argentina keeps on I'm
porting them. chiefly from Yankee
land. Mt the rate of more than thou
sand month.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

glass to the brim the man laid down !
cent?.
.sYou have made mistake: those art
not nickels. but pennies" admonished
the bartender.
Excuse me; my mistake" respond
ed the tramp. Then he added:
"Well, since they are there. I'll jus'
bet you the three pennies against 9
dime that can drink the whisky
without touching the glass"
The bartender. little amused. nc
cepted the proposition and the wagei
was on. Much to the surprise of tn
"wine clerk" the fellow deliberately
picked up the glass and drank dowi
the liquor in one gulp.
"Hold on, pard; you lose" called the
barkeep.
~ know 1t. The three cents are or
the bar" replied the bum as he snnp'
tered over to the free lunch stand and
grabbed a handful before departing.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11
A Comma.

The controversy In England as TO the
punctuation Of the Lords Prayer seems
to be raising good deal more dust
than is necessary. There Is no diff
Guilty in reading the clause Thy will
be done in earth as It Is In heaven"
without comma. To insert one after
the word done" or after earth"
seems quite unnecessary. 1t also has
the unfortunate effect Of spelling the
rhythm Of the magnificent prayer
London Globe.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

A portion of the cliff between Lyme
Regis and Chnr1nouth. England. has
the appearance Of being on hre. A
thin. vuporous smoke rises from the
ground. and there il strong smell Of
sulphur. II q hole few inches deep
is made the clay il too hot for the
hand to be held there. The heat and
smoke are said to be caused by the
decomposition Of iron pyrites In ths
soil.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

! Five young gentlemen were dining
together in London club when one
Of them offered to bet that he could
hold up traffic in main street for a
whole day. His companions promptly
took the wager. The young man SIM
ply went out with some friends and
pickaxes and dug up the street. while
tho police automatically diverted the
trafic. Then the diggers went home
and left the various authorities to cor
yssuond and argue MS to who was re-
sr>nsible for the roped of areas ana
me general disorganizarion
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

ing a slight dent in the wall.
The thing being explained, the man
took couple Of the eggs, put them In
his pocket and left to startle his wife.
Arriving home. he waited till the fam
fly was assembled for dinner. and
then, with a confident smile. he bang
ed an egg at the newly decorated din.
ing room wall.
But the smile quickly faded from hii
face. The egg had thawed.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11
For Sale---Farm Lands

$50 acres Of the finest land in Coal
Creek valley, 8 miles east Of Meeker;
either as a whole or in smaller tracts
il desired small payment down, long
time and reasonable interest. Also
horses, cattle and farming imple-
ments. Bargain. Ill health impels
owner to dispose Of property. Inquire
at this Office.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11
1t doesn't require an axe to cut An
acquaintance,
Baked at Cold Steel

81 wouldn't let doctor cut my
foot off," said H. d. Ely, Of Bantam,
Ohio, .'although a horrible ulcer had
been the plague Of my life for four
years. Instead, used Bucklen's Ar
MICA Salve, and my foot was soon
completely cured" 1t heals burns,
boils, sores, bruises, eczema, pimples,
corns. Surest piles cure. 26c, 1t all
druggists.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

I h g brokers t
whom they were
consigned.
One man. call
ing at n brokers
office, was amaz-
ed to see b ID
t a kin & aim al
the wall with an
egg.
wv h at the
dickens are you
at?" he sai Id
But the broker
let dri We. the
only result he
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11
starts Much Trouble
oB-nls

II all people knew that neglect Of
constipation would result in severe
indigestion, yellow jaundice, or viru-
lent liver trouble, they would soon
take DR.. Kings New Life Pills and
end 1t. It's the only safe way. Best
for biliousness. headache, dyspepsia.
chills and debility. 25c, ut all drug
gists.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

The POSTMASTER didn't have a set
list of speeches to announce, SO he ap-
portioned the talks among the lyelfest
speakers present as best he could. He
did pretty well, too, until he announc-
cd 1.-THE toast Our Absent Members
will be responded to by Mfr. Blank H.
DASH" Then everybody laughed loud
and long Why? Because Mr.. Blank
81. Dash has lost nm arm and a leg.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

Is your husband cross7 An irrita-
BILE, fault finding disposition 10 oftsa
due to disordered stomach. A man
with good digestion Is nearly always
good natured. A great many have
been permanently cured Of stomach
trouble by taking Chamberlain's
Tablets. For sale by all dsalsfA
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

Don't waste your money buying
strengthening plasters. Chamber
lain's Liniment Is cheaper and better.
Dampen piece OF flannel with It and
bind 1t over the affected parts and IL
will relieve the pain and soreness.
For sale by all dealers.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

Republican insurgents say there
must soon be . separating Of the
sheep from the goats, ut tho Same
time lnodestly nominating them
selves as the sheep.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

Unlimited money to loan on farm
security. Low interest. For partic'
ulars apply to F. e. Sheridan. ttD
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

Don't wait for success to walk into
your yard. Grab it by the collar ana
yank 1t in.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

AS the end of the year approache
let us be up and doing. all the out
door work that has been put of.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11
For Sale

Team and harness; also mare and
colt. INQUIRE at the Sheridan ranch,
or address J. A. Walker.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

Spouting and fiuming, at A. +
Lytle's.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

moment at tn .
door of a fashion
able ca fe and
then b ra v ely
ma u n t e cred in.
Walking to the
bar, he ordered
"a little liquor.
please" The bar
ten d err scruti-
mixed him dubi-
ously for a few
sec m d 8. but
finally placed the
glass and bottle
upon the counter.
After hlling the
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11
DENVER, colo
Will cure your cold
BROMO-FERRIN
while you sleep.

Selling the farm and moving into
town to Join the store-box club is a
good deal like trading off the best
COW for yellow dog.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

Many q man is In great fear that he
will get all that 10 coming to him.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

Don't stand too much on your Dig
nity-you might slip and fall.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

There is no improperly In using Z
spring wagon in the fall.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

He had been freshly washed and was
somewhat slicked up. but he was IN
mistakably hobo. He hesitated {
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11
The =
Scrap Book
as.rsl.s k,.r Al Risht.

When the frst shipment Of frozer
eggs arrived In London from Austria
la their extreme hardness astOnishct
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11
Money to Loan.

DR.. R. H. Taylor, dentist, Meeker.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

SATURDAY. NOVEMBER IL. ,sl,
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11
A Years's Subscription to One of This
Country's Greatest Monthly Magazines to
Ali Subscribers to This Paper Who Pay a
Years Subscription in Advance.
The Greatest Offer We Have Ever Made
to Our Subscribers
The Magazine in Question Is
National Monthly

OF which Chairman Norman E. Mack. of the
Democratic National Committee, is Editor
and publisher Regular Subscription Price.
81 90 year Ten Cents copy on all News
Stands from Maine to California.
The Celina Democrat. (Celina, O. [Ohio]) 1895-1921, 1911-09-29

place. To avoid this trouble and to
save time the English farmers In
Kent put their men on stills which
have rests and overshoes into which
the feet can be securely strapped II
feet from the ground Mounted upon
these stills a man can do six times
the work done by the ordinary
method.
The principal use Of hops is in
making beer. For a thousand years
or more hops have been added to beer,
in former times to prevent its spoil
ing and to give 1t its characteristic
flavor. Germany and England had hop
gardens in the eighth century and the
growing of hops has increased with
the growth Of the brewing industry.
In the United States the culture of
hops was introduced in 1926 in New
Netherlands and was some years later
begun in Virginia. At first Massachu-
sets, Vermont and Maine were the
chief hop states, but the industry has
been slowly moving westward al
though New York has for many years
maintained its lead in production
The Celina Democrat. (Celina, O. [Ohio]) 1895-1921, 1911-09-29
Spiked Some Cannon and Dumped
Them Into River.

gate. This news extended at once to
all those, acting as guards. The nois-
es ceased and reasonable quiet reigned
within the prison. The confederate
guards stopped calling for help. In.
stead Of the enemy coming, however,
it was the returning of some Of the
prisoners, who had gone outside and
spiked some cannon and dumped them
into the river, whose waters we're
nearly bank high and rising. These
men reported that we could not get
away on account Of the high water
overflowing all the country, and that
the prison and town would be over
flowed If the water kept on rising
for another day or two. So the In
surrection was a failure.
"But the enemy's cannon did come
other cannon, two guns-but not be-
fore daylight. These were pointed
at us from the opened entrance doors
with the threat that they were going
to blow us all to eternity. We were
massed in front of the doors, solid
crowd Of daring, defiant and deter.
mined union soldiers. Capt. Jones or
dered the guns away, but he entered
with a file of soldiers when he saw
what a quiet lot Of lambs we were,
branded u. s. Ten of the supposed
of this insurrection were
placed in close confinement, and one
named Reggy or Regnas was tied in
front Of cannon with the threat that
he would be blown to atoms If he did
not tell who the leaders were. He
refused and was released.
The Celina Democrat. (Celina, O. [Ohio]) 1895-1921, 1911-09-29
HOW PRISON RELEASE FAILED
Llnneus @. JeffrIes Tells Of Attempted
Escape at cahaba, AIa.-Hlsh Wa
ter Caused Trouble.

An attempt TO escape from the con.
federate prison at Cahaba, Ala, is told
by Linneus Q. Jeffries, of Chicago,
who was taken prisoner at the sur
render of Fort Dodge, near Athens,
Ala, late in September. 1854. The
prison in which he was held with
about 1,O0e other union soldiers was
an old cotton warehouse with the roof
partially removed for ventilation.
I'VE got tired of our cotton COOP"
said Mr.. Jeffries, "and planned to es!
cape in a body. It was a dangerous
undertaking that we soon secretly
engaged in. AS we'll as now remem-
ber, Mai. Carlin of Ohio was the prin.
cipal leader. The time for action was
set for 10 o'clock one night in March,
1865, but the hour was changed to 8
o'clock that same night
THE order to fall in was secretly
passed. The guards had been doubled
on a report of probable trouble, but
the change of the hour had made them
careless, and without warning they
were all simultaneously attacked by
selected men. The struggle with the
two at the double doors Of the en-
trance to the building was the aercest,
and one Of these men finally escaped
and gave the alarm.
Then the drums were beaten and
the bugles blared. Inside the leaders
were appealing for the promised help.
Fall In! Fall in. a hundred brave
men!' Where are the hundred brave
men who promised to fall in? Fall in,
for Gods sake, fall I'M! Thirty form
ed a line. Where are the others7
Fall in! Fall I'M Fall in, for Gods
sakeP
Union prisoners were now playing
guard on the dead line beats and sing
ing, Three o'clock and all is we-lll
Corporal Of the guard, more pinel'
(the pine knots were burning ouD
Fall inl Fall in, a hundred brave
men' Rise upl' Lie down! Keep
still!' Get upr Then everything
broke forth into noises. Some men
barked and howled Ike all kinds OF
dogs, crowed like roosters, meowed
and hissed like cats, brayed like don
keys, beloved like bulls, squealed,
yelled and screeched, all at once. At
the same time the alarm drums and
cannon firing and musket shots and
voices Of men and women on the out
side added to the pandemonium.
THE prisoners guarding the en-
trance doors left their posts suddenly
on hearing the noise as Of troops en-
tering with cannon through the yard
The Celina Democrat. (Celina, O. [Ohio]) 1895-1921, 1911-09-29
That Episode of J. GordOn's
By IDA N. SHEPLER


His name. in full, was Jay Gordon
Stanford, but his intimate friends sell
dom got farther with the name than J..
Gordon.
]. Gordon had seriously contem-
plated matrimony at the age OF H..
Shortly after he was brought Tudely
Dut OF such contemplation by being
softly informed by the recipient Of his
Adolescent affection that her heart
was in the keeping OF one much his
senior one 20 whom she had been be-
rothed these many years. Many
years? Why how old was she really2
he afterward learned, some 10 more
Than himself Perhaps It helped him
forget her
At % ]. Gordon was actually en-
gagged. The girl, this time, was his
own age. She was energetic She
went In for woman's suffrage, for re-
form Of many kinds and ]. Gordon
smiled indulgently, although after the
close intimacy OF engagement days set
In, he did begin to sit up and notice
that she had faults worse than want
Ing TO vote. When II came to using
Dne's handkerchief for a whole week,
and wearing solled shirt waists out in
company. he did hint a few wee hints
If surprise.
He also found she had a temper
when, after a little lecture from him
upon wearing white slippers on mud
dy tramps. she flung his ring 10 his
face.
The relief he felt at this action upon
her part frightened him. Had he been
fool enough to promise love to wom-
An he had not loved? It made him
cautious.
At 30 J. Gordon was still unmar-
Eied, and had taken a suburban resi-
dsnce to himself City noises disturb
ed his rest. he told him friends, and
he loved to look at growing vegetables.
fruits and the like.
1T is simply one OF the signs
Of incipient bachelorhood." they told
him.
And now he really began to be
troubled. Was It fact that he would
not love the right sort OF woman?
The Celina Democrat. (Celina, O. [Ohio]) 1895-1921, 1911-09-29
VIM caIIaahan TrembIed.

British soldiers we're about to at
tack a band of rebel Indian tribes
men. A seasoned old sergeant noticed
a young soldier, fresh from home, Wis
IDLY affected by the nearness Of the
coming fight. His face was pale, his
teeth chartered, and his knees tried
hard to knock each other out. 1t was
sheer nervousness, but the sergeant
thought it was downright funk. Cal
lahan," he whispered. is 1t trimblin:
We are for yer own skim" ''N-no.
sergint," replied Callaghan. making a
brave attempt to still his shaking
limbs, "oi'm trimblln' for the inimy
They don't know callRghan'R here"