The Washington times., 1911-05-03

Alfalfa-covered physiognomies and
skypieces, sanshair, are both au fait.
That is the decision reached as a re-
suit Of the battle waged at the National
Press Club last night between the de-
tenders Of personified dance-fioor domes
and chins bearing a la William Goat
appendaees. Neither side won. The
Judges, like the debaters, being poliu-
clans, preferred to automatically side
step.
But it was a scream!
From the moment Representative
Nicholas Longworth arose to defend his
too late for help roof to the time
former Speaker Joe Cannon lowered his
head In further emulation of the animal
with the butt-in record, there were
things doing.
Associated with former Speaker Can
non in defense of the hlrsute adorn-
ments was former Senator Carter of
Montana. Senator Bob Taylor stood up
with Representative Longworth in de-
fense of those persons who keep the
wheels OF the hair restorer factories
turning.
The men with the whiskers fought
from behind the bushes. but the armor
OIL lut IldlIlS SlduAoNOf'
meath a myriad Of lights and empha-
sized their claims as they stood fear
lessly before their assailants.
While verbal knives were being buried
deep in the breasts of the opponents
and the wordy war was on; Scott c.
Bone, who has so far defied the En-
peror of China's amputate-the-queue
edict, peacefully watched the fray. He
was supposed to be the referee. and DR..
H. W. Wiley was selected as the time
keeper, but both were accused Of al
lowing their personal views or adorn-
ments to warp their Judgment, SO that
their opinions could not be considered
authentic.
Clark Called On.
ANYWAY, when the battle was finally
over. and the virtues and detriments OF
whiskers and bald heads had been given
publicity from a practical as well as
scientific standpoint, Speaker Champ
Clark was called upon to render a de-
cision. He considered the situation too
hazardous for a man in his position, so
announced that he would refer the
whole matter to the Ways and Means
Committee because Its members are
experts on wool, hair, and hides"
In giving his opponents whiskers a
figurative pull, Representative Long
worth said that baldheads are excus-
able while whiskers are a mans own
fault. 'On his birthday every man has
a chance to choose between hair and
braIns,' said the Representative, as his
bald pate reflected the bright lights with
mirTor-like intensity. My choice is
apparent"
Then, in concluding his remarks. he
quoted from that world-old authority
the Bible-and recalled the story Of
AmzI and Joab. He said that treachery
today, as in ancient times. is found in
bewhiskered men.
Uses Bible
Emulating his opponent, Speaker Joe
Cannon used the Bible as an authority
in defense of Iace-curtain covered
necks MEMS heads are shaved when
they go to prison." said the champion Of
the paint brush adornments. "A bald
headed man goes to prison prepared.
while some trouble is experienced in
preparing the dome of a bearded man.
of war; whiskers of the sweet times of
peace"
With the contention that "a beard Is
a badge of manhood" Senator Carter
licences of second childhood by wear
ing an unadorned roof. Talking through
his lambrequins he said:
"A baldhead Is an affliction, a dis
ease, ana standlhg JOKE II Is d pnys-
ical infirmity." Senator Carter punctu-
ated his statements with decisive jerks
OF his Uncle Sam beard. 1t was a
constant temptation TO the itching fin
gers Of his opponents.
Taylor's Plea.
Senator Taylor began his argument
with the statement:
Il was born baldheaded. My father
beforo me was extremely bald When T
opened my eyes and looked upon the