The Birmingham age-herald., 1911-07-07
THE GENTLEMAN BURGLAR

IHelT tnlTSC aI the Tree IOunJdlll.
 THE GENTLEMAN BURGLAR Ralph Bergengren, in July Lippincott's.
 Serious minded moralists occasionally wonder why all the world loves d Gentle man Burglar. The fact itself is beyond question. Unlike the theory that all the world loves lover, it is not endangered by personal contact. Human existence sooner or later affords all of us oppor- tunities to observe one or more lovers, and we soon realize that we love lovers only in books. If we could meet gentle men burglars as easily, we should prob ably discover exactly the same difference between romance and reality. Most of us, fortunately, never meet any kind of bur glar whatever But we are sufficiently aware of the habits and behavior of the ordinary burglar to throw us f1guratively into the arms of the gentleman variety. has a Bunny-and the presence of a Bunny is a guarantee of good behavior. He may go off with our valuables, but he will at least do 1t with the sense of good form that Bunny expects of him. We love the Gentleman Burglar, in short, because he is so unlike the real burglar whom we are all more or less apprehen- sive of meeting.
 AS the matter stands, civilization can not get along without burglars. It has been trying to ever since the invention of personal property. It has been so un- successful that the stoutest citizen in the stoutest house and with the stoutest po- liceman on the corner cannot go to bed without the possibility of having bur glar come in at the window and surprise him in his modest pajamas. Such thing probably won't happen, but it is always possible; and the kind of burglar likely to come in is very crude, coarse, and undesirable citizen. The shudder with which we think of him throws us into an affectlonate admiration for a kind of bur glar that could be counted on to treat us politely-a burglar, so to speak, who either moved in our own set, or, at least, gave us the pleasant, temporary exhilara- tion of being literally in touch with a more exclusive circle. If we must be burglarized, we wish to feel that it would be done painessly. In an age of uplift, the Gentleman Burglar stands for the ele- vation of burglary Indeed, If all practi- tioners of this inevitable calling were gentlemen burglars, the inevit2bleness of it would cause much less wear and tear on the imagination. More gentlemen in this particular ccupation-graduates, for example of & new elective course in the IostOnad acnaoja lly for adventurous spirits-would greatly raise the standard of burglary. And the removal of our present fear of the raw and brutal methods now in vogue among burglars would unquestionably add ma terially to the psychological well-being of the whole nation.
 More than that, the Gentleman Burglar is something pleasant to look for under the bed To be sure, no gentleman bur- glar would actually crawl under bed. It would muss his evening, clothes, dis turb his personal dignity, and there would be no room for his Bunny. But cold fact has never interfered seriously with the romantic imagination, and the maiden lady who looks under the bed is not alto gether a reasoning cerature. If she were she would stand near the hall door and poke diligently under the bed with long handled, jointed pitchfork which she kept for this purpose in the bedroom closet SURPRISING THE GRANDMOTHER
 Happy in having placed the fathers under control the next great step taken by the promoters of the automatic baby was the formation of the Society for the Suppression of Grandmothers." ac- cording to Ellis Parker Buffers article In Success Magazine. The grandmother Is the geratest enemy of the sterilized. un- rocked, unkissed, uncudded baby. The adamantine stubbornness of a grand mother is almost beyond belief. She will kiss the child! Regardless of germs, mi crobes, Infusoria and rules; she will take the little cuddly thing in her arms. hug it up tight with cooing words, and kiss 1t. Right on the mouth, too!
 The members of the society had to be exceedingly firm with the grandmothers.
 Mother" the member would say, s"please do not kiss that child on the mouthv'
 "very well! Very well!'' the grand mother would say, just a little huffed. But am sure, my dear, l kissed you on the mouth a million times when you were baby, and you seem none the worse for it."
 q prefer, mother, not to have my baby kissed on the mouth!"
 "All rightly, little baby!" the grand. mother would say, batting the baby on the cheek, grandma can kiss the pretty little footsies!'
 "Please, please, mother;' the membe, would say appealingly; please do not kiss baby on the foot! Baby might put her foot In her mouth afterwardr'
 welt the grandmother would say | pulling her shawl over her shoulders ant | arising with tears in her foolish old eyes 1T see this is no place for a grand mother Good-by, baby I am not wanted here."
 1 Goodness. Goodness!" the membe
 would exclaim as she washed out tn, baby's mouth with an atiseptic after tn, grandmother had gone; Mother is so old fashioned!'