The Bridgeport evening farmer., 1911-12-12
MYSTERIES OF THE
 RUE MORGUE DE TARIFF

A prominent jeweler on Broadway, New York, displays huge sign on
 his store front to this. effect.
 THESE WATCHES WE'RE BOUGHT
 IN EUROPE. AFTER PAYING DU- TY, AND TRANSPORTATION BOTH
 WAYS, WE SELL THEM CHEAPER
 THAN YOU CAN BUY THEM AT
 THE FACTORY
 Now if these de Medicis of the twen-
 tieth countrywide gentlemen who
 matched out that travesty on justice
 and deeency known as the Protective
 Tariff-can give any explanation of
 this aId a hundred other fragrant in-
 stances of high treason which would
 convince even a brain-softened jack
 ass, we would like to hear it.
 Perhaps William Howard Taft could
 make it clear, but dumb with the
 greatness Of his thoughts-or full of
 wise saws and modern instances-our
 ponderous tariff defender skates-with
 all the aplomb and dexterity of a pig
 eon-toed hippopotamus-arou be-
 yond, over and under the question
 Never, by any chance INTO TT. Consequently, it is still unanswered. Wise men nod their heads sagely and
 agree that there is an occult basis
 somewhere-probably so profound and transcental that ordinary intelligence
 finds it incomprehensible. Even if it
 were explained, no one except a Re publican genius could understand it. Something's there are within the ady- tum inner shrine of the elect, so touched with sanctity and grace. that we of the earth earthly, whose real names would be Aurora Borealis Budd, can only bend low, in bondsmen' s bated breath, and whispering numb e. ness and 'pay, pay, pay,'-as that ardent suffragist, Rudyard Kipling, trills s7 Probably the explanation is so ob- v1ous that, a pike staff is microscopic sells rails in Manchester, England after paying freight across the ocean, from Pittsburgh-s6 to $S a ton cheap CT than it does in the United States, for it's disciplinary .value.% It devel- ops patience and reverence among | Am ericanS, for these handmade laws. Cnd so weiter-through a list as long as the contents of the Foolish Die tionary.
 There is one reason which has not yet been advanced, however, and it occurred to me that my name would
 go hurting down the corridors of 1 Time, and my classic features dec | crate niche in the hall of fame for distinctive perspicacity and acumen | for solving this Sphynxian riddle The hypothesis is tentatively advanced that ] perhaps the American is species of crustacean-genius lobsterinus-sired
 by jack ass, and damned by all his | have to pay for his plentiful lack Of wit'' and comfortable idiocy | For were it not so, it is inconceiv- | able that these unjust forms of pillage
 and extortion would be tolerated. | None of the domestic animals except the fat-footed, duck billed platypus | would permit themselves to be thus I used as a laughing stock in the name of legalized highway robbery.
 l It is said that Senator Aldrich gain | ed eight pounds in one week following | the passage of Schedule K-when he I revised the tariff-downward. Such | is the marvellous effect of laughter as | an aid to good digestion.
 And Taft doesn't dare to think about ! it at all. Something would be sure
 to burst, if he did. 7
 l We'll, fellow countrymen, friends an6 1 lovers, if the worst comes to the worst we can wax fat and cultivate epicur- l ianisms by moving in a body to the seashofe-subSiSting forever more upor
 a few of those twelve thousand spe- l cies of edible sea-weed recently tabu. | lated
 Or we might extract the nitrogen from the air. fix it'' in lime. press 1 this substance into tablets and so re. place tissue loss. For our sugar 1 quence of the Republican tariff stand patters. Cheer-up-whatever is. i! l right.
 DIR. EDWIN F. BOWERS.