davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Macon beacon. [volume] (Macon, Miss.) 1859-1995, 1911-02-24
NOT ACCORDING TO PROGRAM
Practical Joker Meant to Abolish
His Wife, and Doubtless
He Did.

When the first shipment Of frozen
eggs arrived from Australia their ex-
IRENE hardness astonished the brok-
ers.
One man, calling at a brokers' Office,
was amazed to see him taking aim at
the wall with an egg.
What the dickens are you att" he
said.
But the broker let drive, the only
result being a slight lent in the wall.
The thing being explained. the man
TOOK a couple OF the eggs, put them
in his pocket, and left to startle his
wife. Arriving home, he waited till
the family was assembled for dinner,
and then banged an egg at the new
dado.
But the smile quickly faded from
his face. The egg had thawed.-Lon-
don Tit-Bits.
Macon beacon. [volume] (Macon, Miss.) 1859-1995, 1911-02-24
Got Off.

Apropos of certain unfounded
charges of drunkenness among the
naval cadets at Annapolis, Admiral
Dewey, at a dinner in Washington,
told a story about a young sailor.
THE sailor, after a long voyage"
he said, went ashore in the tropics,
and, it being a hot day, he drank, in
certain tropical bars, too much beer.
A the sailor lurched under his
heavy load along a palm-bordered ave-
nue., his captain hailed him indig-
nantly.
Look here the captain said, sup
pose you were my commander, and
o met me in such a condition as
you're in now, what would you do to
me?'
why SIR said the sailor, I would
mt condescend to take no notice of
you at all, sir"
Macon beacon. [volume] (Macon, Miss.) 1859-1995, 1911-02-24
His Head Was Hard.

It is a common belief that the ne
gro's head is hard, capable OF with
standing almost any blow.
The following story told by g promi-
nent young dentist of Danville, Ill,
would seem to indicate something of
the kind anywhere. Two negro men
were employed on tearing down a
three-story brick building. One ne
gro was on top Of the building taking
off the bricks and sliding them down
a narrow wooden chute to the ground,
some thirty feet below, where the
other was picking them up and piling
them.
When this latter negro was stoop-
ing over to pick up a brick the former
accidentally let one fall, striking him
directly on the head.
Instead of it's killing him, he merely
looked up, without rising, and said,
What you dom thar, niger, you
make me bite my tongue."-The Cir
Gle.
Macon beacon. [volume] (Macon, Miss.) 1859-1995, 1911-02-24
MRS. SPELLS
SICK SPELL
Happy Ending to Experience That
Might Have Developed
Fatal Results.

Hayne, N. CT was in a very low
state of health last spring." writes
Mrs. z. v. Spell of this place, and
was not able to be up and tend to my
duties. We consulted our family doc
tor, and he advised me to try Cardui,
which l did, and soon began to feel
better. I got able to be up and help
do my homework.
II continued to take your medicine,
and l am now able to do my house
work and to care for my children.
and 1 do not feel as though l could
aver thank you enough for the bene-
fits / have received. l shall heartily
recommend Cardui to all similarly at
ficted, for l think your medicine q
Godsend to all women"
Cardui is successful, because 1t con-
tains ingredients that act on the weak
womanly organs. They are imported
especially from Europe, by US, and
are not in general use o for sale
at drug stores, except in the form Of
Cardui. AS a result OF the experience
of over so years, Cardui is now known
as a medicine for women, of real
merit, that can always be depended
on.
Please try it.
N. B.-Wrlte to: Ladies' Advisory
Dept, Chattanooga Medicine CO., Chat
tanOOga, Tenn, for Special instruction.
and 64-paEe book. "HOme Treatment
for Women sent in plain ON
request.
Macon beacon. [volume] (Macon, Miss.) 1859-1995, 1911-02-24
SUCCESSFUL TREATMENT OF
PIMPLES AND BLACKHEADS

A speedy and economical treatment
for disfiguring pimples is the follow
ing: Gently smear the face with Cuti-
cura Ointment, but do not rub. Wash
Off the ointment in five minutes with
Cuticura Soap and hot water and
battle freely for some minutes. Re
peat morning and evening. At other
times use hot water and Cuticura
Soap for bathing the face as often as
agreeable. Cuticura soap and oint-
ment are equally successful for itch
ing, burning, scaly and crusted hui
mors Of the skin and scalp, with loss
of hair, from infancy to age, usually
affording instant relief, when all else
fails. Send to Potter Drug & Chem.
Corp, Boston, Mass, for the latest
Cuticura book on the care and treat
ment Of the skin and scalp.
Macon beacon. [volume] (Macon, Miss.) 1859-1995, 1911-02-24
No Purchase Recorded.

There was a dealer who tried to sell
a horse to the late Senator Daniel of
Virginia. He exhibited the merits OF
the horse, and said, This horse is a
reproduction of the horse that General
Washington rode at the battle of
Trenton. 1t has the pedigree that will
show he descended from that horse
and looks like him in every particu-
lar"
Yes, so much So" said Senator
Daniel, that l am inclined to believe
it is the same horse"
Macon beacon. [volume] (Macon, Miss.) 1859-1995, 1911-02-24
VAEIIV AT Al nDIAIV AND USE DRUGS, AND HOW TO CURE THEM
@W IL n MEF IN MHhNEWA L K BOOK TELLS ALL IT.
- u j RHhV ALE FIRE ADDRESS
TIE KELLEY INSTITUTE.
And It Was All IMAGINATION

Il wonder how nue. imagination
governs some persons senses?" re-
marked a visitor at the st. Regis yes
terday. For a Christmas present l
sent to a young woman of my &C
quaintance one of the most elaborate
sachet cases l could find. 1t was such
a beautiful thing that 1 didn't put per
fume in it, for some women prefer to
use a certain kind all the time, and I
thought I would leave it to the re-
cipient to put her own particular sach-
ct powder in the case. You may i'm
agine I was somewhat amazed to read
his in her enthusiastic letter Of
thanks: It's perfume has pervaded
the whole room New York Press.
Macon beacon. [volume] (Macon, Miss.) 1859-1995, 1911-02-24
EnaIand,s Oldest School.

A controversy has arisen in England
as to which school has the right to
claim greatest age. There are two
schools which were founded in the
early part Of the seventh century-the
Kings school, Rochester, and the
Kings school, Canterbury. Justus, on
his appointment to the see of Roches-
ter in GOA, made provision for a school
in connection with the cathedral. Au-
gustine established the Canterbury
school about the same time. St. Pc
ter's at York dates back to the elev-
enth century.
Macon beacon. [volume] (Macon, Miss.) 1859-1995, 1911-02-24
Wanted the Seeds.

He told a story on former Secretary of
the Treasury Leslie NJ. Shaw of lowe.
When he was appointed he gave a ban
quiet to a score or so of his neighbOrs,
and, as Iowa is dry and wanted some
way to serve wine at the dinner, he had
some trouble figuring out a scheme, but
when the watermelon was brought on it
was found it had been plugged and filed
with ehampagne-"and do you know"
said the doctor, Il saw every farmer
there slipping some watermelon seeds
into his pocket."-1Iilwaukee Free Press.
Macon beacon. [volume] (Macon, Miss.) 1859-1995, 1911-02-24
GOOD PLANTING SEED.

Poor seed is costing many farmers
almost as much as poor land. The
variety tests at the experimental sta
tions show that Of twelve Of the lead
ing varieties of corn tested, the diff
erence between the highest and the
lowest yield per acre on the same
type of soil, with identical cultivation
and fertilization, was 1872, at 80 cents
per bushel; while for cotton 1t was
100 pounds of seed cotton at 4 cents
per pound. This will give US a cIeaI
gain in favor of the best variety OF
corn over the poorest of $3.50 and for
cotton $31.6O. fully believe that the
Yields on many farms can be IN
creased one-fourth by planting the
most productive seed instead OF SEED
that have run out.
The variety tests at the experiment
stations in this latitude name the best
varieties. We act very foolish When
we buy seed that the experiment sta
tons have not shown to De the pest
by actual test in the fields through a
sufficient number of years 10 eliminate
weather conditions. We ought not 10
buy seed because of high sounding
names or on account Of the exag-
gerated statements Of seed dealers.
The business world IS rated in Dunn's
and Bradstreet's. The varieties OF
seed are rated in the experiment sta
ton records. Beware Of a variety that
has no rating.
It is advisable for us to buy the
best seed from sOme reputable breeder
or grower and then use every known
scientific method to further improve
the seed. The buying of the best seed
will save several years of labor and
expense in breeding up the seed;
however, this must be followed by
the most careful selection and the
best cultivation or the seed will rapid
~ deteriCrate. The same principles
and practices that have been EN-
ployed with such striking results in
the Improvement Of the different
breeds Of animals must be followed in
breeding up seed.
Macon beacon. [volume] (Macon, Miss.) 1859-1995, 1911-02-24
A Big Contract.

George W. Perkins was giving advics
to young men.
Never undertake. he said, "to do too
much. In applying for a position it is
almost better to promise too little than
too much. Remember the model.
can old chap, you know, applied to a
New York artist for the post of model.
"'Well,' said the artist, what do you
sit for?'
"FOh, anything, sir said the model,
lingering his beard ~nervously. Anything
you like, sir. Landscape, if necessary"
st. Louis GlObe-Democrat.
Macon beacon. [volume] (Macon, Miss.) 1859-1995, 1911-02-24
Politicians Defined.

The following are said to be some Of
Woodrow Wilson's newly promulgated
definitions:
A Radical-One who goes too far.
A Conservative-One who does not go
far enough.
A Reactionary-One who does not go
at all.
A Progressive-One who recognizes new
facts as they arise and endeavors to
meet them; who legislates for 1911, not
1900; who adjusts legislation and policy
to govern facts and conditions as they
arise and then goes a step farther, look,
ing into the future and preparing for
it.-Memphis News-Scimitar.
Macon beacon. [volume] (Macon, Miss.) 1859-1995, 1911-02-24
Nothing Slow.

THAT was an international misumder-
standing" said Senator Bankhead in a
recent political argument. ct was as
intentional as the young Canadians.
The young Canadian, you know, who
came to Washington last month to spend
the holidays with a pretty cousin and
her family. As he was motoring with
his pretty cousin one afternoon she said
70 him: DO you have reindeer in Can
adaT No, darling he answered quick.
ly, at this season it always ~snows.'"-
Buffalo Commercial.
Macon beacon. [volume] (Macon, Miss.) 1859-1995, 1911-02-24
A COTTON PLANTERS PLATFORM.

| submit the following as a plat
form for cotton farmers to stand on
during the year 1911:
First-We will write to the secre-
tary of agriculture, Washington, D. c.,
the congressman from our districts,
and the Mississippi Experiment Sta
ton for agricultural literature, and
subscribe for at least two good farm
papers. We will study his literature
carefully.
Second-Wc will clean up our farms
until they are neat as pins. We Will
burn all rubbish in the waste places
in our fields and around our farms.
We will make our farms loo like
some one lived on them. We will not
leave any places for boil weevils,
minks, opossums, and varmints of
many kinds to hide.
Third-We will quit the one crop
system and resort to diversified farm
ing and stock raising. We will grow
every farm product necessary for
home consumption and some to spare.
We will prepare to live at home and
board at the same place. If the boil
weevil destroys our crop or the specu-
latOr forces the price down below the
cost of production, starvation will not
stare us in the face.
Fourth-We will not buy anything
on credit except the actual n~ecessi-
ties of life. We will practice strict
economy until We set out of debt and
then we will pay cash as we go.
Fifth-We will thoroughly pulverize
Il soil a little deeper than it has
ever been broken before. We will
have our soil like an ash heap be
fore We plant our crop.
SiXth-We will make full use of all
available fertilizing materials on our
farms and on soil that responds we
Will make free use OF commercial fer
t~iliZers.
Seventh-We will study the fertil
1Zer question and endeavOr to proper.
ton CottOnseed meal and 16 per cent
acid phosphate according to the prob
able needs of the soil in each efId.
Eighth-We Will plan to get ahead
Of the boil weevN and also to obtain
a good price for at least a part Of oul
cotton crop by planting n very early
variety early in the spring.
Ninth-We will plant only as many
acres of cotton as we can cultivate
rapidly.
Tenth-We will keep more and bet
ter stock. increase the yield per acrt
on our farms. use stronger teams ant
more ~labor-saving farm implements.
1t is the money that we can put II
the bank that We ought to be inter
ested in. A cotton crop makes a BIZ
income. but the big outgo for fee,
n food usually more than balance
the big income. Living at home vii
keep the cotton money at home tina
now leaves US to make other section
Macon beacon. [volume] (Macon, Miss.) 1859-1995, 1911-02-24

Magnify your personal rights and
you are sure to create some social
you are sure to create some social
wrongs.
Macon beacon. [volume] (Macon, Miss.) 1859-1995, 1911-02-24
An ACCOMPLISHMENT.

Mrs. Taft's epigrams are the Joy o.
Washington society. Her latest epigrSm
was on the subject of beauty.
"She is beautiful but not at all &C.
complished," a lady told Mrs. Taft of a
Western matron.
MY DEAR" Mrs. Taft answered, there
is no accomplishment more difficult han
to be Observation-Disclosures Star.
Macon beacon. [volume] (Macon, Miss.) 1859-1995, 1911-02-24

9" wonder why Mrs. F1imgilt regards
her husband as stupid. He has been
very successful In business"
Perhaps" replied Mr.. Meekton.
hes like SO many of the rest of us
who can't possibly learn to keep the
score Of a bridge game"
Macon beacon. [volume] (Macon, Miss.) 1859-1995, 1911-02-24

No man has come to true greatnes
who has not felt in some degree tina
his life belongs to his race.-Phillip
Brooks.
Macon beacon. [volume] (Macon, Miss.) 1859-1995, 1911-02-24

a brass band is not so scrupulous
about his other dealings.
Macon beacon. [volume] (Macon, Miss.) 1859-1995, 1911-02-24

Mrs. Winslow's Soothing Syrup for Childre
teething, Softens the gums, reduces inhamms
ton, allays pain. cures wind collie, Csc a bottle
Macon beacon. [volume] (Macon, Miss.) 1859-1995, 1911-02-24

Tightness across the chest means a cold
on the lungs. That's the danger signal.
Cure that cold with Hamlins Wizard Oil
before it runs into Consumption or Pneu-
monias
Macon beacon. [volume] (Macon, Miss.) 1859-1995, 1911-02-24

Only a bachelor knows what kind Of
a woman would make a satisfactory
wife. That is why he's a bachelor.
Macon beacon. [volume] (Macon, Miss.) 1859-1995, 1911-02-24

The recording angel may take more
interest in your day book than IL
your hymn book.
Macon beacon. [volume] (Macon, Miss.) 1859-1995, 1911-02-24

The average oma gets more pleasure
from talking about her furs thOO che
does from wearing them
Macon beacon. [volume] (Macon, Miss.) 1859-1995, 1911-02-24

Taking Garfield Tea will prevent the n
currence of sic~k-headache, indigestion an
bilious attacks. All druggists.
Macon beacon. [volume] (Macon, Miss.) 1859-1995, 1911-02-24

To correct disorders of the liver, take
Garfield Tea, the Herb Laxative.
Macon beacon. [volume] (Macon, Miss.) 1859-1995, 1911-02-24
Edited by III. G. AFFORD,

, 1t is wise to treat a horse well.
Men who are well treated are gen.
orally happier and bet ter able to do
good work thar men who are i'll
treated. 1t is the same in the case
Of horses.
You should pity you horse, be-
cause he is dumb and cannot com
plain if you neglect or i'll treat him.
A horse should always be we'll fed.
Be sure to give your horse plenty OF
good water.
A horse should be kept clean nj
have a good, dry bed at night. When
you clean your horse do not use the
curry comb roughly.
See that the collar fits. II the
collar or harness begins to rub any
where and make a sore place, wash
the sore with clean water, and CASTLE
soap if you have it, but do not use
other kinds.
Keep the shoes in good order.
Keep a lump of salt in the stall
where he can get to it, but do not mix
it with his feed.
Never use a tight check rein.
Keep your wheels well creased.
Never shout or use rough words to
your horse.
The above advice is the substance
Of a leafet that can be obtained by
writing to NJ. L. Hall, 126 Ridge street.
Providence, R. 1.
Let US remove from the public
school curriculum all readers filled
with the gilded thought Of stage and
forum, all histories which overflow to
the margin with dates and battles,
and with many heroes who differ from
ordinary scOundrels only in the mag
nitude of their crimes, all Biographies
dealing in the romance of climate and
situation, and the hyperbOle of won
derful production in some sections,
and substitute for them truthful read.
ers about the wealth producers OF the
world; histories Of the achievements
in the political arena and on the field
Of battle: and the outlines Of geogra-
! ply. Then let us add penmansh1p,
spelling, grammar, arithmetic, the
science Of heath, ethics, the element
airy principles of economics, the
science of government, and the
science of agriculture.
The men who are making the most
money and getting the greatest sat
isfaction out of farming are not the
men who are trying to cultivate the
largest lumber of acres, but those
who are working to get the largest
crops off a few acres. The best farm
, ing, the best paying farming, and by
far the most satisfactory farming in
every respect is the farming that Is
done to secure bales from an acre in
stead of c~ultivat;ng acres to secure 3
bale.
The pillow is the best fertilizer and
a deep, thoroughly pulverized soil, full
Of vegetable matter, is the soil thai
produces maximum crops.
Macon beacon. [volume] (Macon, Miss.) 1859-1995, 1911-02-24

TO CURE COLD IN ONE DAY
Take BROMO Quinine Tablets
Druggists refund money If it falls to cure. Il. w
GROVES signature Is on each box. Csc.
Macon beacon. [volume] (Macon, Miss.) 1859-1995, 1911-02-24

The pillow is the best fertilizer and
a deep, thoroughly pulverized soil, full
Of vegetable matter, is the soil thai
produces maximum crops.
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1911-10-21
ENDS DYSPEPSIA
IN FEW MINUTES
Heartburn, Gas, Indigestion
And All Stomach Misery
Vanishes

There would not be a case Of indi-
gestion here If readers who are sub
ject to Stomach trouble knew the trc-
mendous anti-ferment and digestive
virtue contained in Diupepsin. This
harmless preparation will digest a
heavy meal without the slightest fuss
or discomfort, and relieve the sourest
acid stomach in five minutes. besides
overcoming all foul, Nauseaus odors
from the breath. -
Ask your pharmacist to show YOU
the formula. plainly printed on each
50-cent case Of Pape's Diapeps.n. then
you will readily understand why this
promptly cures Indigestion and re-
moves such symptoms Is Heartburn.
Il feeling like a lump of lead n the
stomach. Relching Of Gas and Eructa-
tions of undigested food. water brash.
Nauseau. Headache. Riliousness and
many other bad symptoms: and. be-
sides, you will not need laxatives to
tines clean and fresh.
II your Stomach is tour and full of
gas. or your food doesn't digest. and
You meals don't TO fit. why not
get Il 50-cent case from your druggist
and make life worth living? Absolute
relief from Stomach misery and per-
feet digestion of anything you eat Is
sure to follow fve minutes after. and.
besides. 50-cent ease is sufficient
to cure a whole family Of such
trouble.
Surely. a harmless. inexpensive pre-
paration like Pape's Diapepsin, which
will always. either at daytime o. dur
ing night. relieve your stomach misery
and digest Your meals. is about as
handy and valuable a thing as you
could have in the house.
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1911-10-21
GRAND r MARKET
D
THE GREATEST CoNcE1T

There Is so much conceit in the
world that a monopoly in that line is
unlikely, even If there were no anti
law to prevent. Someone seems
10 nave tried. however: tried even
harder than Col. Roosevelt. who has
ms typewriter equipped with two
capital rs. In order to sac time and
wear ana tear from strenuous and
frequent usage. The someone who
seems to have won the championships
according to all Marquis Of Queens
perry or catch-as-catch-can rules. ia
the Rt. Hon. Joseph Weldon Bailey,
united states senator and some other
'nings. Mr.. Bailey comes from the
oVergrcwn state of Texas. and It In
generally believed the state was de-
signed on ample lines in order to
make room for Bailey's conceit. It is
tansn however. that that is a mis-
heen larger. WYNN" "aVe
ihere are a number of things On
when senator Bailey could base his
a ~ 70 the conceit championship.
ana even offer n handicap againsf
but one is sufficient. RE
.eAator IS o to retire. being in
vme position of the wise man who
s Mouia get out before he is kick ID out.
caro saewiag IN retrospect his careening
Star trough congress. the Lone
remark: '' pauses 10
Yes, I have differed with nearly
everybody. and everybody has heen
WIFE NE wfen differed with them too"
No. shocking the senatorial rram-
ns ~ an. but viewing that merely
"o, masterful achievement in ON.
cc,t. "ne must hand It to the southern
. tn.'slnan of oily tongue, and evuaIlv
,no reputation. Always the others
wrong. n with equal reRularitv
nv wa on the side of right and iustics
! i' common sense. Others have
1, = "Muer on in their blind n crnnk.
, n y Wy, while he stood willing to guide
.nu snip or state or other craft in Tho
"nN " should 20. So often wera The
, un'II wrong. and SO many Of them
+, ' INC Shpnr-Scnator proposes IN Give
=, ~ ~, as II q job. and 60 into law
,,, m''r DIS talents are Appreciated 10
nceh demonstrated nrcviom,
u ~ quite nu extent, even when he
I.h"in@ n government sal. nv for
nc statesmen The hest ,,oS.
Mn,n.':"na or running n
,,," m"mA' ~ not most people. believe
cihn ~, tl.ht when they differ with
,hn, wy u che who can mnjntai"
N'I'"' In tho clearer Ii-h, a. in"i'
~, y, M''k""'rn, is going some. and
:, r,, ,m I'VE able ia defend his titln
~! '"nnrT", rnt,nls unl;,nitnd
,n,,. h''d'' barred. Bailey hos
,.,.,. '~f't!t Ia q whoin scnot, a.
"H hard "s no v,or,ecd ~ ;t
-, ''' '"r 'rc,n his aim or rnt -, =;
''"i" ~" there. "e'''"H I'LL
The evening times. [volume] (Grand Forks, N.D.) 1906-1914, 1911-10-21
MEDAL NO REPAYMENT.

New York, Oct 2O.-"A medal can
never pay me for the loss Of my broth
err" Is h declaration of Miss Emma
G. Paulding. a trained nurse. in an
nouncing that h will refuse to accept
the bronze Carnegie medal offered her
In recognition Of her share in a he
roic rescue from drowning at Rhine
beck, N. Y. in which her own brother
lost his life. Miss Paulding and her
brother. Irving G. Paulding. both ex-
pert swimmers. went to tho drowning
girls aid. Paulding soon found him
self in distress. His sister got the girl
to safety before she noticed her
brothers. plight and 1t was too late to
save him.
I'm going to refuse the medal, but
I shall not give any reason for my &C.
ton except to say that the Offering of
it has distressed me greatly" said
Miss Paulding.