The Alaska citizen., 1911-10-02

 gasoline. benzine. cleanin powda, and all dat
 Have you tried ammonia?
 No. deed didn't. but Tse sure dey fit"
 Denton Dunn is responsible for this one:
 A Chicago man who was very care. less about his habits of dress was presented by his wife with fancy vest before he went down to New York one fall.
 While he was in Gotham he ran around with the boys a great deal and soon found himself suffering from an attack of gout. Friends bun. died him off to Turkish bath, and in week he was able to return home
 Wife" said he upon returning Il feel fine after that Turkish bath experience l can run and jump like a boy But there is one thing l re- gret lost my fine vest while in that place
 His wife was greatly put out over the loss Cf the vest. When her hus. band again left for New York, a month later she urged him 10 go 10 the bath and look for the gar. ment He did. and this is the tele gram she received
 Everything lovely. l took another bath and found the vest. IL was un. der my union suit"
 William Murphy. the grain man, who calls himself the "Irish-Swede, |" is credited with being one of the quickest wits in the city He never misses a trip of the Commercial club and is frequently billed on those excursions 10 tell some of his Swed. ish stories.
 On one occasion, in small Kansas town where the club members had stopped for the night, they were en- tertaining in the opera house. The stage was small, and J. C. Swift was crowded against wing. While Mur- phy was speaking, Swift tilted his chair back against the scenery and immediately about half the decora- tions on the stage fell with a crash.
 The accident did not cause Mur. phy to falter. He quickly said:
 Friends, Mir Swift is not as swift as his name implies. He just tumbled to the joke told fifteen minutes ago"
 Here is Murphy's favorite story, written by him in Swedish dialect
 Ven Ay kum 10 dees kontra, bout saxteen var ago, Ay vent to york on katie ranch oct bi Dodge Seeta. Ay york mae offul hard an save up bout femty dollar. Von day kow boy fal. lar ask mae for lend hem mae mona Hae baen purty gued fallar, SO Ay let hem hae der mona and hae geeve mae heees note for ct. Purity sune det note kum due an Ay met hem on gat mae mona an geeve hem back hees note. Val. Ay not no hae baen drunk till hae pulled oct hees rewol- wer an stick en mae face and sed :
 "Yu eet det note an swallow ct down kvick."
 Val, Ay du ct al rite an gone home feeling purity bad. Naxt day ven det hae dun bi mae and hae kum oat tu mae place an sed hae been sorry. Ay sed Ay baen sorry. ,u. Hae den pae mae dat mona.
 Purty sune dat fallar gone broke again an kum an won't tu boro more mona. Hae been purity onest fallar, Ay sed, Ay skal land ct tu hem. Den hae gat pen, ink an paper an kommance for meek hole iota riting. Ay ask hem vot hae been doing and hae sed:
 "Ay baen gone tu geeve yu nodder note."
 "Nayar mind der note" Ay sed "Ay skal take yure word for ct dees time"
 But hae sed hae mite die or sum- tang, an hae won't tu geeve mae sum riting for sho dat hae oe mae det mona.
 Den Ay told hem det ef hae baen gone tu meek sum riting, Ay tank ct skal soot mae batter desc time ef hae yoost put ct on yon yingersnap.
 Several members of the Knife and Fork Club believe the funniest story they ever heard was told before the organization few years ago by a preacher whose identity has been forgotten It follows:
 An old colored man in a Wiscon sin city made application for mem bership to the finest white church in the city. For obvious reasons it was thought best not to accept his application. But the pastor of the church wanted to be diplomatic about refusing the old man. SO he went tc him and said: