davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14
HUNOR OF THE DAY

that ToIstoi was dead2'' asked Mrs. old
Sashed s br rsped up on eT eft
.'but it wasn't at all surprisin. Folks
that go up in them things are always c,s,s sure
Reeord-Herad.
Later on.-'1sn't Miss Jones pretty
Shes her aunt's heiress."-Lppincotts
what do you want to put an idea into
a poem for?''-Chieago Record-Herald.
Artist--Only s1.50l Why the frame cost
three times that! The Broker-Well, dot
is all right, my frendt. We only loans on
der vrame!-Puck.
What an optimist Green. is yes;
every time he loses his umbrella. ne never
w9TTies He awags fTg e 20 PICK UP
s.Do you believe in telepathy?" Ger
talR Ren e the seRReme were pracsica sere
is no money in it.'-Washington Star
owes you a lvin.' son. said Uncle Eben.
but you's got to do some work to git
yohse'f Identified as de Teller it's comm
to."-Washington Star.
servant-You got cheated when you
bought chiny vase mum. Mistress
How cnGdLeQts 6tkN6nt-tf Ayf IL > WEEK..
IT busted all to smash teh first time I
dropped it-Toledo Blade
Before the Venus of MiIo.-Smithers
(reading signs, Hands Of'')-The poor
idiots, Do they think any one could look
at that statue and not know the hands
were of?-Christian Register.
Teacher-I have been trying for some
time to get tire room SO quiet that we
could hear pin drop. I have dropped
the pin several times, but you have been
making SO much noise that it has been
impossiblel to hear 1t. What do you think
we had better do. children? Reddy Back
row-Tfe dumbbell to 1t next time.
teacher.-Bxooklyn Life
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14
QUAKER MEDTrAToNs.

CFrom the Philadelphia Record.]
It's a poor rule that won't work both
ways in our favor.
Don't roast the weather man. He'll
make it hot for you yet.
Why shouldn't a doctor advertise cut
rates in surgical operations?
Some people are always sure they are
right, and then do the other thing.
Even when being interviewed the
magistrate wouldn't care to commit
himself.
Unfortunately the composer of mus
ic can't always borrow money on his
notes
The only man who can afford to be a
s1uggard is the one who has rich aunt
to go to.
Nell-'Mrs. Dashaway used to say
she wouldn't marry the best man liv-
ing" Belle-"Well. she has the salts
faction Of knowing that she didn't"
'.And do you love your neighbor as
yourself2'' asked the clergyman The
magazine editor admitted that he did
not. Still, there are extenuating cir
cumstances.'' he added. My neighbor
is a poet"
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14
GLOBE SIGHTS.
IFrom the Atchison Globe.I

A mans house is his wife's castle.
Why is it that a man with a red
beard is most likely to let it grow?
You can always rely upon a Jealous
woman finding something to work on.
The only thing a sober man enjoys
about a drunk is seeing him sent to
Jail.
The biggest talker in town viii tell
YOU that he knows enough to keep his
mouth shut
If a man works as much as two
evenings a week he '1ets on" that he
works every night.
Married men advise marriage just as
lodge men advise initiation: they want
to see the other fellow squirm.
Whenever it is given out that an ac-
tor is in a hospital it is talked around
that he is really IN an asylum.
A lawyer is. in many cases, a man
who drags his client to the shore, and
then leaves him half naked on the
beach.
When boy lives On a farm. his
idea of Paradise is that happy time
ternoon.
When a man resigns and goes to
knocking on his former boss, he might
as well confess openly that he was
fired.
Spring has this advantage for the
town man. 1t SGIlNS d EODu many ia
the agents out to the country to poster
the farmers.
A man who has a weakness for buy
ing books on the insta1lment plan is
also apt to show a weakness toward
other kinds of agents.
This is also the season of the year
when Mother has considerable diff
Guilty in keeping Daughter from dis
carding the long ones for the short
ones
1t may be said of some weddings
that Father doesn't give the bride
away. although he tries, and doesn't
realize his failure until Daughter
brings the young man home to eat.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14
LAYHAWKER JOTS

Don't waste any time or worry over
the fool, advises Bert Walker. He al
ways has good time.
A search has been begun by the EN-
poria Gazette for those March winds of
which the poet speaks.
Bert Walker, of the Osborne Farm
er, is even more wonderful man than
many of his ardent admirers have pro-
bably had reason to believe. He takes
his oath that he never owned a dog.
A little philosophy from Arthur
Riddle; Most of US who take to the
butterfly life turn out to be moths,
and generally they run into the can
die before they wake up to the fact.
AS analysed by the Marysville News:
When radium replaces coal there will
be no ashes to carry out, nothing to
carry in and no furnace room for the
head of the family to retire to when
his better half is nervous
The proper way to be photographed
now, says the Atchison Champion, is
to be posed sitting in an automobile
in the studio back yard, which costs
but rs cents extra. Thus your friends
believe you own a $1,000 car.
Conner Davies, of the Concordia
increasing advertising patronage Of his
paper brings him square up to the
proposition of the need of a bigger and
faster printing press to meet the de-
mand.
The aviation tryout in Lawrence
demonstrated one thing, remarks the
Gazette of that place, and that is that
the people here will not pay so cents
to see something from the inside of the
fence that they can see for nothing
from the outside.
News, news, news, news, news, it's
enough to give a man the blues, walls
the F'redonia Herald Nobody married,
nobody dead. nobody lost an arm or
head. Nobody came in to talk of the
crop, no one got booty and started
scrap, nobody got run in for taking
horn, nobody buried and nobody born.
Oh, for a racket, riot, a fuss. Some
one come in and kick up a, muss, some
thing to stir up the peace laden air,
somebody's comet to give us a scare.
Some one to come in and pay up his
dues, anything, just so it's news.
A bank robbery within fourteen miles
of Wichita and reports of housebreak-
ing in many sections of the city caused
a Wichita housewife to use heroic
measures to keep out burglars. relates
the Eagle. The wife, whose, husband
sometimes stays downtown late at
night thought that she heard a burg
lar the other night. She got out of bed,
lighted a gas JET, pulled down all the
widow blinds and placed a pillow
against each blind. What are those
pillows doing there, wife?' asked the
husband upon returning home. 81 got
scared and barricaded the windows"
she fnnocently replied.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14
Patriotism His Passion

When Cardinal Gibbons, in speaking
OF Fatrlck John Ryan. archbishop of
Phliadeiphia, referred to the red hat
tnat nature gave him." the phrase had
in it something more than chance
Felicity, in view of the sanguine tones
OF the archepiscopal locks. Arch
bishop Ryan did, in a higher and
more inward sense, receive the biretta
at the hands OF nature. though it was
never bestowed upon him by the dig
nltar1es OF the church he served SO
Ia1tnfully. For a full half century he
was healer of strifes and divisions
a living example of the highest pa
trfotism, a dissemination of the spirit
of Christian brotherliness and good
VIII. force for faith in times of hest
tatlon. a voice finding, with an infalIi-
Die instinct, the fitting word to speak
the reality of the unseen to an age
realm of material things. His loss to
the active life of his day is the loss OF
great man and a patriot
1t is significant fact that many OF
the Roman Catholic priests most ia
nous for what might be called mill
tant Americanism have been natives
Of Ireland. Archbishop Ryan shared
this distinction with Archbishop Ken
rick, Archbishop Ireland and Father
McG1ynn.
passions of his life Second only 10
the insignia Of his holy office he held
his chaplain'S uniform in the service
OF the United States; he acknowledged
peculiar fraternity with every man
who had worn the blue of the early
sixties, who afterward marched under
the flag Of the Grand Army of the Re-
public. All the love of freedom native
to the son of Ireland was in him. re-
lnforced by the great traditions of his
adopted country. While he was bishop
coadjutor of the venerable Archbishop
kenrick he was made an archbishop
''in partibus infidelium." There is
something singularly appropriate in
the fact that a man of his militant
spirit and intense and fervent patriot
ism should have been assigned to the
see of Salamis, where the Greek navy
humbled the squadrons of Persia in
that glorious day of the long past.
His speech was vital, dynamic: it
warmed, enlightened, transformed,
During his service with Archbishop
Kenrick, St Johns church was to st.
Louis something OF what ST. Sophia
was in Constantinople in the time of
Chrysostom, what Santa Maria del
Flora was to Florence in the DAYS of
Savonaro1a--St Louis Republic.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14
A GOOD CoMMssIoN NEEDED,

A GOOD COMMISSION NEEDED.
It ought to be Interesting to Tope-
kans who have had one year of ex-
perience with the commission form of
government to learn that Colonel
Roosevelt has come out with a strong
endorsement for this method of gov
erning cities. The system is gaining
in popularity all the time and its adj
herents among prominent men who
are students of government are like
wise increasing in number rapidly.
Indeed, 1t seems to open the way for
the solution of the rather perplexing
problem of municipal administration.
Nothing much is heard around this
city that the commission government
has been failure here or that it
would be desirable to change back to
any plan that savored of the old
common council system with its rep
resentatives from the several wards
and it's much divided authority for
the transaction of the city's business.
And this, in face of the fact that the
first year of commission rule has been
more expensive than was the last year
under the old form of government. A
large share of this extra expense was
brought about by the general in
creases in salaries among the firemen,
policemen and other city employees
which were made by the old city gov
eminent just before it retired from
the field. These increases in salaries
were deserved, but it Is hardly fair to
criticize the commission system for
being a more expensive method of
government in view of the fact that
it has had this extra burden to bear.
The probabilities are that when order
is finally worked out of the chaotic
conditions of affairs in which the city's
finances were left under the old sys-
tenn of government, the commission
plan will prove to be far more eco
nomical than was the old one. At any
rate, there is every reason to believe
that the taxpayers will get more for
their money, because the commission
system makes possible the conduct of
the city's affairs in prompt and bust
nesslike way.
The efficiency of the commission
plan rests in the main on the caliber
and abilities of the men who are
chosen to administer it. For that
reason the approaching municipal
primaries and election are of essential
Importance to the future government
of the city. From among the candi-
dates for the mayoralty and the COM
missionerships who are in the field it
ought to be possible for the voters of
Topeka to select a commission that
will do the work expected of it in the
best possible way. Discernment and
care will have to be used by the peo-
pie in making their selections. but
they have generally used such discre-
ton in the past and can be depended
to do so in the present instance and
on all future occasions. It is incum-
bent, though, on all the qualified vot-
ers in the city to register, so that the
results of the primaries and the cleo
ton will be full and free expression
of the sentiments of the whole people
of the city.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14

In reply to her peal of laughter Mr..
wentworth halted and cast a Quick
glance at her and then exclaimed:
You have forgiven me! 1 shall walk
nome with you'll You will give me- your
nane?' -
And she walked and he walked and
the dog walked Yes. they all walked
to The Willows, and the young man
and his dog were invited in and the
immortal wound redressed. After that
" Well, things are getting along SO
nicely that there are occasions when
Mrs Blaine is heard to sigh and ex-
claim:
How am to get along after Ethel
leaves mer'-(Copyrighte 1911, by AS
ISOLATED Literary Press.)
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14

This new game law" says Hondo
Murpnys lis what you might call real
s.rlct- Under its provisions. it is un-
iaWIui to kill skunks, but have made
arrangements to get by with a skunk
nunt without getting into jail. I never
cared much about hunting skunks. but
now that it is against the law, I am
simply crazy to evade the law and kill
some or Prof. Dyche's fragrant pets.
Inis IS the way I have il doped out:
py carefully reading the skunk section
II pursuing domestic fowls So 1 am
gong to tie an old hen on the end of
nsn1ng pole. hire a small boyeto wave
the domestic fowl in front of the
skunk and get him excited, and then,
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14
JOURNAL ENTRIES

The lesser of two evils is generally
quite bad enough.
Men who boast they are not like
other men usually haven't much to
brag about.
y =
The man who doesn't treat himself
honestly can scarcely be expected to
be honest with other people.
* =
Every individual deludes himself
with the idea that his troubles are
more annoying than those of any 9TH
er man.
Another fine theory that fades away
in practice is that all persons should
be particular to respect the rights of
others.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14

Spring is here for sure. The rose
bushes are coming out in leaf. So are
the lilac bushes. The trees are burst
ing out in bud. The birds are mating
and piping their roundeIays. It's too
bad that man, poor man has to keep
right on working for a living in stuffy
OFFICES and stores and noisy shops.
Still it is not so far from the centers
of Topeka to the country and an oc-
casionaI walk in that direction would
help out wonderfully with most folk.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14
REFLECTIONS OF A BACHELOR.
IFrom the New York Press

Charity begins at home, but honey
moons end there.
A man would make a great hit with
his own wife by trying to elope with
her.
You can hate a man more for achiev-
ing honor than for committing a crime.
Any woman who knows how to be
successful with men knows better than
to let them know she does.
About the easiest thing is for a man
to ask his wife to wear a certain thing
for him. but the fool never thinks OF
it.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14

Billion dollar congresses have ar
rived to stay. So insist the financial
experts in both the Republican and
Democratic parties. But they use a
little salve by declaring that the peo-
pie now get more for the billion dol
lars that each congress appropriates
than they used to.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14

Now that the price of platinum has
advanced to rather fancy figure it is
certain to become more popular than
ever with the people who go in for
5ewelry. The price is the controlling
thing with most folk. Many stones are
more beautiful than diamonds, but it's
the price of the latter that make them
SO attractive.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14

Now that competition among the
state banks of Kansas, operating I'M
der the guaranty law, has been elm
mated by Bank Commissioner Dolley
through his order to the effect that
the banks can pay no more than 8
per cent interest on time deposits, it
is likely that some one will bob up
with an insistenee that the antitrust
laws are being violated.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14
Constitutional guarantees have hesr

Constitutional guarantees have been
suspended by the Mexican govern
ment. This does away with civil trials
and the revolutionists who happen to
get caught will be placed in front of
adobe walls and passed on to their
future rewards with bullets through
their hearts. Thus does the glorious
cause OF maintaining a righteous hui
mainly progress in the wrong direc-
hnn
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14

Chicago is probably black in the
face over the announcement that
work has been started on five million
dollar postoffice building in New York
city that will be the largest and most
complete structure of its kind in the
ryorId
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14

There is no hard and fast rule as
to what constitutes a rest. It was re-
ported that President Taft took one
the other day by playing an extended
game of golf. And golf is most labor
ious work for some people.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14

What's sauce for the goose is sauce
for the gander, and SO there will be
nothing but general applause for the
supreme court decision which holds
that the railroads are not compelled
TO carry the members of the Kansas
national guard for a passenger fare
that is less than the regular fare to all
comers
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14

The Cones patella bill wouldn't have
anything on Ruth st. Denis. From
the pictures of her we discover that
she doesn't wear tights and that her
"outer garment which appears to be
a yard of mosquito netting, reaches
more than four inches below the pa
tella."
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14

Considerable has been said about
the winds of Kansas, but six New
Workers were taken to the hospitals
the other day after they had been
picked UP and slammed around on the
streets by a wind which visited that
TOWN
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14

Peace has been restored again at
Honduras. But unless all precedents
are broken another healthy revoIu-
ton there will be we'll under way be-
fore the week is ended.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14

There is no telling just how far the
political career of Maynor Gaynor of
New York will proceed. He also is a
devotee of the use of the word bully
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14

Some humans acquire trouble and
others have it thrust upon them. In
the latter category would appear to be
those New York infants who were be-
trothed by their parents when they
were scarcely an hour old.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14

A few words from the Republican
insurgents are now in order. President
Taft says the Sixty-f1rst congress was
the best congress since the war. But
maybe the insurgents will say they
10
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14

I'm spring the young mans fancy
lightly turns to thoughts Of love- is
a purely poetic idea. From observa-
ton, it may be learned that what the
young mans fancy really does turn to
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14

Count ToIstois SON insists that he
is merely the son of a great man.
But that is a sufficient handicap for
any man to struggle under.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14

It appears that the rats and puffs
so popular with the women do not
come from the queues of dead China
men, but from the combings of Chi
nese men and women. That's quite
az had
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14

The State Journal is a member of the
Associated Press and receives the fun day
telegraph report of that great news or
ganization for the exclusive afternoon
publication IN Topeka
The news Is received In The State Jour
nal building over wires for this sole pur-
pose.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14

Every man should read the Dyche
game law to his wife, so that she will
not suspect him of trying to make
game Of her when he calls her
"Birdie.'' Under the provisions of
that act, it would be almost a peni-
Tertiary offense.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14

The hobble nightie is now the fad.
Perhaps the fact that the hobble skirt
has caused SO many women to fall on
the street has suggested the hobble
nightie as an aid in falling asleep.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14

Sad, slow music. please, while we
experiment with this one: In looking
over recent court decisions, we find
that the last number on Spec Hurl-
burt's meal ticket has been punched.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14
FROM OTHER PENS
OUR FoREIGN TRADE.

The total value Of the exports of the
United States for the last calendar
year is seen by the Monthly Sum-
mary, just issued, to have amounted
to $1.827, 255,669, against imports of
the value of $1,562 924,251. This
leaves what the protectionists would
call favorable balance Of $780,
567,393 in trade. But II the invisible
factors were known, including the
traffic Of the smugglers, payments to
foreigners for ocean freights, expendi-
lures of Americans abroad, ETC., the
Favorable" balance would be wiped
off the slate. AS there is little or no
credit in foreign trade, the alleged
balances, whether favorable or unfav-
orable, can hardly be said to exist
At any rate, the figures exhibit an
enormous foreign commerce, exceed
ing by nearly $3.50, 100000 that Of the
year 1909. Of the experts the value
of $541,141,4S8, or not quite 80 per
cent consisted of American manufac-
lures ready for foreign coLsume rs. AS
a rule, for the production of these
manufactures were nomina1ly paid the
highest wages going in the world. On
the other hand, the imports of duti-
able manufactures ready for consump-
ton, amounted in the year to $780,
585,238, while manufactures free of
duty were imported to the value of
$66,4O4,348-less than 20 per cent of
the whole, and consisting for the most
part of chemicals and medicines
Philadelphia Record.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14

In fact, under the provisions of that
act, it is almost a crime to kick
feather buster out of season.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14

And, in pursuit of the same idea, it
appears that the quarantine for spring
fever will be longer than usual this
season.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14

An Edhowegram: What has become
of the old-fashioned woman who
didn't take off her upper clothes while
having her picture taken?
II G.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14

FULL LEASED WIRE REPORT
OF THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1911-03-14
MR.. ROOTS DEADLOCK BILL.

Senator Roots purpose in proposing
his bill to amend the practices now in
vogue in senatorial elections is praise
worthy; but its practical benefits are
open to question. The measure pro-
videse that If legislature has not
succeeded in making a choice by
March. a plurality shall thereafter be
sufficient to elect. This sounds reason
able, but as applied to the Albany sit
uation it would mean the triumph of
the Murphy-Sheehan com binatfon, and
in some instances it might serve ac-
tually to prolong a deadlock. For ex-
ample, if candidate had a small plu-
raIity at the beginning of the voting,
he would know that all that was nee
essary for his success would be to hold
his supporters together for space OF
two months. and naturally he would
exert himself to that end; whereas, If
the Root amendment were not opera
tive there might be a compromise and
an election long before March. If a
plurality is to elect 1t might just as
well be effective from the beginning
Providence Journal.