davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-11-30
A MAN OF MANY PARTS.

He was a man of Very impressive
appearance. and as he pulled up a
chair and placed his feet upon the
solid mahogany desk in our sanctum
sanctorum. We decided that he was
either a press agent or IAN actor, but
"Contrary to our expectations" said
ne by way of opening a conversation,
II am not here TO sell o any stock
in q gold mine"
That was a refreshing piece of news
and we. shook him effusively by the
hand.
81 am here. however" he continued.
Ito sell you a 6o-horsepower electric
limousine. like you Immensely, and
I am going to let you have this car
for 1856. 1t has got a double back
action crank shaft, a reversible
mo. thank you," we Interrupted,
with that frigid dignity we SO well
know how to assume when bill col
lectors and other undesirable citizens
approach.
"Ah. you don't wish to buy. an auto.
mobile? Then. perhaps I can inter.
est you in a steel range. / have g
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-11-30
Business. Instinct Strong.

A photographer tells as a joke on
himself that a woman. accompanied
by a little boy. came into his studio
the other day. Il want my pickcher
took" she said. Il see that you take
pickchers for four dollars a dozen this
week. so I come fer mine. And
want this little boy tool in the same
pickcher with me-" YES. madam
but. of course. we made an extra
charge outside this special rate when
two pictures are taken at once" Oh"
says the lady. but I'll keep the boy
in my lap. That's the way r do in the
street cars. and no body ever says
anything"
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-11-30
PHYSICIAN ADVISES
CUTlCURA REMEDIES
your switcl

-Four years ago I had places break
out on my wrist and on my shin which
would itch and burn by spells, and
scratching them would not seem to
give any relief. When the trouble first
began, my wrist and shin itched like
poison. l would scratch those places
until they would bleed before l could
get any relief. Afterwards the places
would scale over. and the flesh I'M
derneath would look red and feverish.
Sometimes it would begin to itch until
and l would have to go through the
scratching ordeal again.
Our physician pronounced it dry
eczema" l used an ointment which
the doctor gave me-, but it did no good.
Then he advised me to try the Cuti-
cura Remedies. AS this trouble has
been in our family for years. and is
considered hereditary. l felt anxious
to try to head it off. / got the Cuti-
cura Soap, Ointment and Pills, and
they seemed to be just what 1 needed.
THE disease was making great
Roadway on my system until l got
the Cuticura Remedies which have
cleared my skin of the great pest.
From the time the eczema healed four
years ago. until now, l have never felt
any of its pest. and l am thankful to
the Cuticura Soap and Ointment which
certainly cured me. / always use the
Cuticura Soap for toilet. and l hope
other sufferers from skin diseases will
use the Cuticura Soap and Ointment
(Signed) 1rven Hutchinson. Three Riv-
ers, Mich. Mar. 16. 1911. Although
Cuticura Soap and Ointment arc sold
0y druggists and dealers everywhere.
a sample of each, with 32-page book.
will be mailed free on application to
"~Cuticura." Dept. II X. Boston.
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-11-30
OUR oPT1MIsr CONTEST.

My idea of an opti,mist is a mar
who, when falling off a 14-story build
ing, can say, when passing the fifth
floor: "Well. I'm all right yet
H. r.
An optimist is a MAJ who will cough
50 for Il ticket to ar amateur iolin
lists concert.-W l.. I.
The champion optinlist is a man who
secures u divorce from one suffraget
to marry another.-Constant Reader.
An optimist is a person who ex-
poets to get an 11-cent article in a 10
cent store.-Veritas.
There are many %Cptilnists. but none
who equals the man who starts to
raising chickens as a side line.-A. G..
An optirnist is Il man who can get a
laugh out of IL musical comedy.-The-
alter Goer:
An optimist is a mar who dyes his
mustache and can make himself be-
lieve he Is fooling anybody.-T. A. l..
An optinlist is q man who stops In
fir MT of a millinery window with his
wife.-A. K. ].
An optimist is a man who cheer
fully puts Oh his rubbers when the
ship is sinking Reader.
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-11-30
POINTS FOR HUSBANDS.

Don't begin making excus Monday
when you want to stay out Friday or
Saturday evening. 1t suspi-
cion. The quick and unexpected get
away is safer.
Don't criticise the style in which she
noes up her hair.
Don't speak an admirihg word of
your neighbours pretty wife.
Don't swear in the house. Go out
behind the barn.
DOM fail to admire the hat tina.
she makes herself. Encourage her as
--eh as -oseir'- -'''s~s-~- /,
~. or not. That's The wav ia rat
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-11-30
wine-prtnkinu.

France alone pays taxes In q good
year on more than a thousand. mii-
lions Of gallons Of wine-and there
are six bottles to q gallon-while AL.
geria, planted with vines In tho days
Of the %phylloxera, supplies no less
than two hundred millions. A ten.
neau Of 200 gallons 10 a pretty large
vessel; Q thousand each would. ~ .
good-sised ship; and Ne have to mal-
tiply that By Q Thousand before We
reach the production Of this one
French colony-eae-Afth Of Ill the
vine consumed y Ffaneo.
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-11-30
the rate o, 81 down and 10 cents a

the rate OF 81 down and 10 cents a
week. 1t is the best
our we'll known air OF inality.
All. then you don't care for a steel
range? Well. l also represent a wash
ing machine concern. l can let you
have one of our new washing machines
tor $37 that
The lid s m" we muttered savagely.
W. ave three washing machines
now
"Ah. then you don't need a wash
ing machine? Well. perhaps a lawn
mower exclusively"
"Ah. then o don't want to buy
one? Well. l have a safety razor here
that l will sell you for SO tina is Just
as good as
Nix on the scraper," we replied.
"Ah. then not needing a razor, per-
haps ! can interest O in n fountain
pen. Now for the small sum Of $1.15-
w can't write excepting on the
typewriter"
"Ah. then you couldn't possibly need
a fountain pen. but l have in my hand
a glass cutter that sells for % cents,
a quarter of a dollar. that
Give u 8 the glass cutter. God
morning" we said with an immense
sigh of relief.
Thanks. That's what I came in to
sell YOU in the first place." and he
was gone from our midst like a beau
tiful dream.
Stung again. and on another glass
cutter.
-
GOOD MAN GONE.
So Uncle Hank is gone! Dew tell!
He has been ailin' quite q spell
And folks round here will wish him
Wherever he may go.
He never let his temper Spite,
But wore a satisfyin' smile
Around this burg for quite Il while:
Bout forty years or so.
He somehow allus aimed to please;
The kids all sat upon his knees;
And every doggone one of these
Would swear by Uncle Hank.
He settled all their little ills
And when they look pale round the
eills
He'd recommend the YARDS and pills
That cured 'em in Il yank.
He took care of the too.
In spite of all that they could do
There wa'an a soul that could stay
blue
When he was in the room.
When folks would hear the well-known
click
Upon the walk of his old stick
Grim trouble would vanloosc right
quick;
1t wa'am no place for gloom.
or course he nevc: made no pile
In cotton. wheat, or steel or lie,
And didn't go in much for style
Or soft billed parlor talk.
But folks hung u the WELCOME
sign
And schemed to make him stay and
dine.
The sun most always seemed to shine
When he came NJ the walk.
He never won no great renown
| And wasn't lSnowed outside of town:
historians won't set him down
For future folks to read.
But folks here is of one accord
That he's no stranger to the Lord
And sure and certain his reward
Will be complete, indeed.
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-11-30
ACCORDING TO UNCLE ABNER.

Seems to me tie bachelors ought all
to be advocates of the single tax.
1t beats all how eyeglasses will re-
lieve the morotony of a long nose.
1t only takes one boss to win a race,
but it takes two to win a dice game.
1 would rather ride in a pay as you
enter street car than in a pray as you
enter oatmobile.
I hear a Teller might just as well
buy q taxicab as to rent one for two
or three hours.
1t is sometimes hard to tell whether
the progressives are progressin' for
ard or BACKYARD.
We never see q picter of a furrin'
noblelnan Yet t..at didn't lock as II he
wished he wasn't.
A lot of men get the reputation of
bein' highbrows simply bekuz they
haven't got much hair.
Hank Todd has got three trained
heifers and an educated goat. Reg'lar
stock company, as 1t were.
Licker and gossipin' winmen cause
about nine-tetlths OF the unhappiness in
this world: also in the next.
One Of the delightful sights is a
feller wearin' a silk hat and a yaller
rubber raincoat to the thayter.
There are two things that a teller
seldom has when he needs 'em bad
One thing IL a collar button. and the
other 10 money.
Outside a new red flannel shirt. abou,
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-11-30
WHY.

Why doss the bin collector always hap
pen on Friday?
Why docs the cold snap always come
when you are out of coal?
Why does the pastor always call when
you house is untidy?
Why do the good shows always come
when you nave got no roll?
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-11-30
EHAN.
E@UF>.
W. BY ROY x. MOULToN.

don't hit.
Another model husband has gone
wrong in New York. having eloped
with his employer. a young lady ar
fist.
Elmer Jones says there is one thing
that he likes about Miss Amy Stubs,
the village milliner, and hat is his ARM.
Elmer has been reading an almanac
somewhere.
It's mighty hard for a fat man to
make anybody believe he is sick and
so as long as there amt any use in
feelin' bad. he centrally to
keep putty well.
LATE Tubbs buried his fust wife and
put up u tumbstun which read: I'VE
shall meet above" Havin' been mar
ried six times since Lafc will have a
lot Of %explainin' to do when he gets
there.
A Teller is putty apt to git back
about what he gives out in this world.
Hank Purdy gave Hod Renfrew a gen.
uine imitation solid silver pickle dish
for a birthday present and got it back
on his silver anniversary.
There isn't any use in a TELLER rum
min a half mile down the rud lookin'
win come to him when it gets ready,
and 1t amt goin' to pass by without
noticin' him, either
The days of the tem-winding oat-
mobile are numbered. A Teller won't
have to get out any more to crank up.
but there will be something else to
cuss about. so it won't make much diff
ference
Amry Hicks amt took a drink for
nine years, but he has got a worse
reputation for drinkin' now thar he
had before he quit. His friends all
say: No. Anlry don't ouc a drop
now. but you orter see him when he
did. He was the village drunkard."
CAN YOU PICK EN-?
When they're walking close together
All regardless of the weather;
When they see no passerby
And they do not ever try:
When she whisDeres to the fellow
In a voice that's sweet and mellow.
And she hangs onto his arm
In q manner full of charm;
When he helps her DER the curbing
And from jolts that are disturbing;
When they're out upon parade
He tried to defend the maid;
When they're acting somewhat spoony,
And are tallln' language looney;
When he is a gallant knight
You can bet your hat. ali right,
They're engaged.
When along the streets they scurry
And he yellS at her to hurry
When he's Is feet ahead
And no useless words arc said;
When his Conversations scrappy
And when her replies arc snappy;
When he pauses to relate;
Damn 1T, Mag, you're always late;'
When at every corner crossing
There is pulling, hauling, bossing:
When he looks distinctly peeved
And she looks Us though she's
grieved;
When they dodge about and stumble
When they Slip and slide and tumble,
just because they are in haste
And they have no time to waste,
They're married.
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-11-30

Why docs your ~youngster always
squall when he's on exhibition?
Why does the tom cat always yowl just
when you van to sleep?
Why do the big feeds always come
when you're not in condition?
Why must you always give away the
things you'd rather keep?
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-11-30

Why docs the servant always quit
when guests you nave invited?
Why does the phone bell always ring
just after you're retired?
Why Toes your dentist always look as
though he vas delighted?
Why do you say hat you've re
signed when all know you are
fired?
shouldn't?
Why do they always somehow save
their praises till you die?
How is it something's always come to
this world as they shouldn't?
The only answer Echo gives, and Echo
answers "wny?"
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-11-30

He never won no great renown
And wasn't knowed outside of town.
historians Won't set him down
For future folks to read.
But folks here is of one accord
That he's no stranger to the Lord
And sure and certain his reward
Will be complete, indeed.
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-11-30
AT CUR BOARDING HOUSE.

The Dyspeptic Boarder who was al
ways one week behind the lighthouse
on his board bill, cleared his throat
and said, II would like to remark"
Il know you would snapped the
landlady. You would always like to
remark something. It's the best thing
you do. But / want 20 give you fair
warming that j Cont have TO axe any
back talk from anybody. My family
has n / don't have to run a
boardin' house. you know"
My dear madam interrupted the
Dyspeptic Roarder, Il was only about
to remark about this roast beef
"Oh, sure,'' broke in landiady, NOW
YOU are going TO roast the victuals.
Well, all l have to say is that / am an
honest woman and 1 AVE to pay my
bills on time. 1 can't stand 'em off a
week or two at Il clip like some board
ers that l know of. OF course L am
| not naming no names, but there are
| parties who would make more of a hit
if they We're as partikeler about pay
ing their board as they are about their
food
But. my dear madam
"Don't dear madam me. You all
think yOu can impose on me because
l am a woman. It's all that can be ex-
pected of a passed. OF shif'less men who
wouldn't De hdngln around a "a board
ing house anyhow, il they amounted to
anything. Don't talk to me. If there
is anybody here who doesn't like his
meals. he a pay up n get out"
II was only about to remark" said
the Dyspeptic Boarder. that this
roast beef is the finest I have had in
several years"
Well" snapped the landlady, 'why
in tophet didn't you say SO in the first
placer"
WHERE THEY WE'RE INJURED.
Most any one can be AZ editor. Al!
an editor has to do is to sit at his desk
six days in the week, four weeks Of the
month and L. months in the year and
edit such stuff as this: Mrs. Jones.
Of Lost Greek, let q can opener slip
last week and cut herself in the pam
try "A michievous lac of Mather-
ton threw a stonc and struck a com
panion in the alley last Tuesday,
John Doe climbed on the roof of his
hoase last week looking for q leak and
fell. striking himself on the back
porch.' While Harold Green was es-
corting Miss Violet Wise home from a
church social last Saturday night a
savage dog attack ed them and bit Mr.
Green on the public square," isaiah
Trimmer. of Lebanon, was playing with
a cat Friday when it scratched him on
the veranda." MI White, while har-
Messing a bronco last Saturday. was
kicked just south Of the corn crib"
49,
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-11-30

was quite beyond belief.
Her father was a misanthrope by rep
utation, and no hope
Was offered me by anyone who knew
his crusty ways.
He looked so fierce my face got not
and I got scared and quite for.
got
The speech that 1 had practiced on SD
faithfully for days.
/ suffered and 1 stammered till the
old man thought 1 had a chill,
And seemed inclined to help me on and
have the matter done
Before i could quite understand. he'd
And then l knew, oh. JOY of joys, that
at last had won.
He reaily loosened UP and smiled just
like a happy little child.
1t was the first time he had done a
thing like that in years.
He was so Very gracious h a I thought
that / could smell a rat.
I'm not a SuperStittOuS man., but he
CAV me some fears.
The wedding bells rang gaily and the
presents We're just simply grand.
I'd OWL my Aralninta and the world
seemed glad. and gay.
1t was not like my luck a bit.
thought there was some catch in
it.
1t didn't seem as though it could be
any other way.
Then the awakening was due. I'd won
my Aramlnta true,
But it GEMS that I'd also won hel
father and her mother.
They're living with us in our flat for
good, and then, not only that.
But we have also with us now her sis
ter and her brother.
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-11-30
w1LLlE,s ESSAY ON THE MULE.

The mcwl is a hcwtiful creecher
witch has no pride of auntcostry and
no hope of prosperity and is the
m-blem of democracy. He has a sweet
voice, but some what n%lelonkoly. but
he can't sing if YOU tie his tale down
tight to his hind les. The mewl is
Very ticSlesome in this here lokality
and tying down his tale should be did
with considerable diplomacy.
Thee mewl had got Il spring i'm his
hind leg which goes OFT at the most
unexpected times like a alarm clock.
My unlle Peat has got a mewl which
he says is the worse kicker he knows
of. exceptin' his Wife. witch is my
amt. When he wants his mewl to ged-
dap, he hoilers whoa and when he
wants him to stop he hoilers seddap
and the mcwl does just what Unllle
Pea wants him to without known it.
My ant does the same
The mewl Goes not cllaw tobacker
or drink whisky, wherein he has got
the advantage OF some which is in
the party of which he is the m-blem.
Nevis is mostly used for haulin' borax
acrost the. alkali desert in the maya
zine ady ertisenients. That is all ! no
about the mewl which is enough to
no about him.
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-11-30
Copyright, 1911, by G. N. Mather.,

A WHOLESALE
VICTORY.
1t really took "a lot
OF sand to ask for
Araminta S hand.
L had stage fright
SO bad l shook
just like an aspen
leaf.
Though twas a job
requiring nerve. l
did not let my
purpose swerve.
Because the way l
lnyad that gal
Forest City press. (Forest City, Potter County, D.T. [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1911-11-30
AND SO IT GOES

cute)?
Aged 1o-willie Jones. OTIS a won
der his parents wouldn't do something
with that mean little brat?)
Aged l5-Billy Jones. (~Schoolboy.)
Aged 20--W. rockingham Jones.
(High school graduatc.)
Aged 25-Jones. iStar halfback on
college team.)
Aged 30-Mr. William rockingham
Jones. Oils wife has bought him some
visiting caras.)
Aged a5--william z. Jones. (Now
he's a railroad clerk.)
Aged 4o-W. L. Jones. president
of the road.)
Aged 45-W. Jones. (Millionaire.)
Aged 50--Big Bill Jones. (Senator.)
Aged 70-Old Man Jones. Clown
sage and weather p%ropnet.)
The weekly Iberian. (New Iberia, La.) 1894-1946, 1911-03-04

young musician who bas u great
love for her, an old teacher who
has q great love for both, and u
young musician who wants the
young woman for his wife How
there came an awful blight upon
the singers ambition and how ii
was lifted is tho story and it IL re-
lated in way that grIps the
heart. 1t has been well said II IN
greal play for those who love
music, but it ia y play for anyone
who has Il grain Of sentiment in
his or her makeup, and all of us
have that much. There il depth.
The weekly Iberian. (New Iberia, La.) 1894-1946, 1911-03-04
TINE CLIMAX.

"rhe Climax" which will be
presented at Elks Theatre on Sat
nrday, March 4tI', matinee and
night, IN one of the prettiest little
stories Of tho heart that was ever
told upon the stage. It's hard to
describe might call it "a
;:lay that's different''-and you'd
b. about right.
Among the principals there il y
girl who has great voice. a
The weekly Iberian. (New Iberia, La.) 1894-1946, 1911-03-04

| MY Little bI0rney stone.
MY Little Buttercup.
Ny Rosary.
My Queen Divine.
Ny Wild Irish Rose OF Killarney
NATIONAL PATROL
OLD WE'LL. The
ON SUMMER SEAS.
Papa, Please, Buy Me an Airship.
Pass Dat Possum.
Path that Leads to Love.
PRNsEB RoMANT1QuE.
PADDY WHACK.- Two Step.
Phoebe Snow. The original.
PILLOW DANCE Schottische.
Playland.
Please Don't Tell My Wife.
Popular Songs.
Pretty Little Tonkin Girl.
PUNCH & JUDY Two Step.
Rastus johnson. U. 8. A.
Realm Of Light.
Re-lncarnation.
Ride Ridei Ridel
Rolling stone.
ROMANCE.
ROSE LEAVES Intermexxo.
Rossmary.-"Thats for Remem-
brance.'.
RUBTLIN0 FLOWERS.
0IAMESE PATROL.
Silver Threads among the Cold.
Since ! Learned to Love You.
Ok YLARklNG.-A new dance.
SUNDERLAND Waits.
SNOW Balling.
Song OF the Foam 10 "Home. Sweet
Home
Spirit, Not the Letter.
6tungl Htungl Stungii
Summer Maid.
Sun Bird.
Sailing In . Sea-Going Hack.
Say. Sal, Don't you Want The my
sHILLALAH-O.-March. s-step.
h Sun Bird.
0weetheaHt, Love You.
Sweet Memories Of Mother.
SWEET POTATOES Slow Drag.
Too many eyes are making eyes at
The Cubanola Glide.
THE 0TPSIE0 CARNIVAL
Two Apples.
TO the End Of the World with You.
rae raIS- a%9ENruRB" MARCH.
Theodore.
That 10 Why I Love No One But
rRNsHSssEs REVIVAL.
Ten Little Toes; or the 1 ages.
Take . Trip Down to Luna with Me |
Toll me what You Know about the
THAT Pussy RAG.
THD CIRCUS CALIOPE.
The Vitagraph Girl"
Under the Naples with Molly-O.
VILLAGE GOSSIP
VlOLRTH BLUR.
DRRAM.-Gavotte.
WEDDING PROCESSION IN AN
0TRRDAM.
We're Almost Home.
Vhat Did You Marry Ne Fort
What Fools We Mortals Bel
NAon.l think OF all You were to me
WIEN JACKIE SAILS. s-0tep.
When Ny Girl from Tipp'rary Tips
Vhen the Purple Shadovs Tint the
Golden Grain.
Vhen Your Lips Preesed Mine.
j HIk1 The T0A-TOA PLAYS.
1ho Do You Lover
9Ilholmina, I Want Youi
1lll the P0orly 0stes be .Openi
1OOD8N SOLDIER, The l.
|ofid = . Tey-Shop, The
sasubng.
- She Did.
ouH Never b Missed,
Rou remind me Of IL NH that
u0o0 .. % % School With me-.
Dung 0sh Lodgere.
ou're the Kind ol Z Girl I Like.
oul Houl You'll
+. nana.AAn