The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, 1911-01-11
A THEORY OF TAILS.
Monkeys at the Zoo and the Missing
Watch.

Watch.
THE 200 was suffocating In the rays
Of the afternoon sun. l paused
for Il moment to watch monkey
with a pathetic face absentmindedly.
almost sadly. clutch the tail OF sleep
ing relative above. The sleeping rela-
tive awoke on the floor very talkative
and thrilled, but the originator Of the
pleasantly was out of reach aud with
the face of one on the verge Of tears.
"Wot a pity they ave tails" said a
voice beside me. He was a little
scrubby man. with soiled collar, a
straw hat and a faded frock coat
paid no attention.
He looked about him rapidly. then
came closer and in a hoarse whisper
said:
Il say. guv'nor, d'you know wot l
calls it? Why. it's tragedy"
"Ah." I returned vaguely.
"Yus, a tragedy, becorse why? We
ave no tails nor our parents neither.
Amt that SOP
/ endeavored to convey that I was
prepared to swear that my father.
once X. c.. had never within my
knowledge mentioned the fact in my
hearing.
He assumed the attitude Of modest
man caught in the right There y
are" be said.
There was a pause. A series OF
shrill screams in distant part Of the
room suggested another stroke Of hu-
NOR on even more ambitious lines.
The little scrubby man smiled know
ingly.
There y are again-tryin' to sit on
their tails and 'ide their feelin's."
I was little perplexed.
Talk Of the fall" he snorted, with
considerable scorn. when we lorst
our tails we became deceitfuL And
why? Because we 'ad nothin' to give
US away. They know it: look at 'em.
They'd give anything to get rid OF 'em-
It's like carryin' truth gauge on your
waistkit."
he came closer and stared triumph
antly up into my face. He was in a
glow with eloquence. he tapped me
playfully on the chest.
Imagine 1t-your thoughts. 'opes,
most sacred feelin's at the mercy Of a
cruel gloatin' world just becorse you
ave a tail. For instance, you're pro-
posin' to the parents Of your young
lady. Why. your tail would be be-
tween your legs trying to get out O.
sight. An what's the effect on their
tails? Curlin' like oops. They'd know
you 'aven't brass farthin' at once"
"You have no reason to SUPPOSE
began hotly.
mo arm meant, mister" he inter
posed soothingly. Then think Of
'avin' to attend funerals and sich-ike.
No matter 'ow gloomy your counte-
nance. wot if your tail was Vaughn
like riprap through pure light 'eart-
edness"
admitted the prospect was worthy
Of thought.
"Or in business, 'ow could you name
a price with any confidence If your
tail was on the floor and 'ad all the
air Of a wrong UNI"
The sun had sunk at last. Shadows
erept over the room. In the corner op-
posite a silent baboon stood statu-
esque against the evening sky.
"Of co'rse I'm not denyin' there
would be advantages. I'm no dorg In
the manger. I'm willin' to come out
and share and share alike, be it argy-
ment or anything. You'll be sayin'
wot satisfaction to the orator to ear
the thump Of approvtn' tails or the
actor in the scene where the Jerome
carsts her 'elpless babe into the racin'
mill stream. Why. it would be easy to
Jump in after a glance at the droopin'
tails in the stalls"
: nodded thoughtfully.
II must be goin' 'ome now" he re-
marked after a pause. Il knew by the
looks of you I'd got to deal with a
shrewd un. man Of the world, clear
'eaded, farseein' gentleman"
For moment l wished that be had
worn a tail that might have betrayed
something Of his purpose. which SEEM
ed to me rather obscure. Then drop
ped him out of my mind and began to
wonder how late it was But my
watch had gone.-Punch.