Staunton spectator and vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1896-1916, 1911-03-17
Not What TIe
Wanted

"NoW, this preparation, ex-
IN planned the druggist, with en-
thusiasm, sis something l ean rec
ommend. It is the best bio I'd puri-
fer in the world. 1t is not cure
all; it is just blood purifier, and
the best ever compounded.
''The formula was handed down by
my grandfather, who obtained it of
the court physician at Buckingham
Palace. My grandfather had the
good fortune to rescue the court ply
stefan when he was drowning, and
that great scientist rewarded him by
giving him this formula"
cit was a punk sort of reward"
said the prospective customer, help
ing himself to some cough drops. ut
seems to me that if / rescued the
court physician from watery grave
he'd have to come down with some
thing more substantial than a vim
egar recipe or some dad-burned for
mula for sassafras tea. If he had
any unmarried daughters I'd insist
on leading the prettiest one to the al
tar. Your grandfather must have
been an easy mark, and l haven't
much confidence in your blood puri-
fer if he handed down the formula.
Many Separate Diseases.
81 don't believe it's what I want,
anyhow. You say it's just a blood
purifier and nothing else. That
would be satisfactory if I was the
only one in our family, but we are
too numerous to mention and each
one of us has a separate and distinct
disease.
81 need a blood purifier myself,
for Pm always breaking out with
boils, ard I'm just so sick and tired
of wearing poultices on the back of
my neck that I feel discouraged. I've
been buying flaxseed by the sack for
year and my Aunt Sarah, who
keeps house for the bunch OF us, says
that she's heartbroken from MAX
ing poultices for me.
"She wouldn't mind, only she is
crippled with }umbago and so she
can't keep her thoughts on what
she's doing and she does make the
all-firedest mistakes. The other
morning she covered my neck with
buckwheat poultices and dished up
flaxseed pancakes for breakfast, and
she felt 30 bad over it that she Just
sat around moaning and crying all
day.
"My sister Alice is all doubled up
with the neuralgia, and it would
bring tears to the eyes of cast iron
hitching post to hear her crying for
some remedy that will give her re-
lief. We have bought everything
that is advertised in the almanacs,
and they all seem to have some vir-
tue but they won't do what they're
advertised to do. They remove super
fluous hair. or relieve a cold in the
head, but they won't cure neuralgia,
times we have to lock up all the table
knives lest she do herself an injury.
His Intermittent Mumps.
"Then my brother Alexander has
intermittent mumps. It's really a
queer thing to see grown UP man
having the mumps about every SO
often. You can't realize how that
poor fellow suffers. His head he
gins to swell up until it looks like a
jack-o'-lantern, and he has to wear
bushel basket instead of hat, and
when hes eating he has to hold a
hand mirror in front of him so he
can see where his mouth is, and
he groans like house afire"
81 tell you, sir. it would rend your
heart to hear them all groaning at
once-Aunt Sarah with her lumbago,
Alice with her neuralgia and Alexan-
der with his humps. Now, how
would l look going home to such a
house Of suffering carrying a medi-
cine that's only valuable 81 a blood
purifier? How could face my Amt
Sarah if she came hobbling to the
door hoping / had brought remedy
for her lumbago? And what would
Alice and Alexander think of it,"
'I don't care a continental what
they'd think" replied the druggist,
sOurly.