davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
New-York tribune., 1911-03-05
WANTED TO REDUCE"

What DR.. Wiley does not do is to issue
formulas for specific purposes, but one
sufferer from too much flesh was evil
IDENTIFY under the impression that he did
and sent in the following plea;
please, please tell me If there are any
physicians using your treatment for re-
ducIng fst people. I know If you had
fifty pounds of extra fat and life was
almost a burden to you, you would take
pity on a poor woman and help her out
In the grabbed hand Of old age let
ter addressed to Or. Wiley and five
pages long begins;
Il am a poet, novelist, arch9ologist,
farmer. etc, about as Virgil was. | am
seventy. / have studied long and faith
fully on soda and boraX. and this is why
l write TO you. can embalm a cadaver
as it was done 1000 years ago. Borax
is one form OF soda. Borax is a devil.
Boracic acid is worse
A woman desirous Of securing some
seeds couched her request in the follow
ing terms, using postcard:
THE time for singing birds has come.
also the time for planting seeds. ! would
plant some if had any"
Underneath all the humor in the let
ters | receive" said Or. Wiley, there
runs thirst for knowledge. no matter
how ignorantly and crudely il may be
expressed. And while the humorous side
is the one that strikes me first ] re-
member that the letters were most likely
written sincerely and with a genuine de-
New-York tribune., 1911-03-05

terest in the weather, and I'm sorry to
say you has been missing it a good deal
for some time. l suppose you, like /, has
been in politics making special speeches
and all that and left some boy in charge
I write to say that 1 is a good hand al
guessing weather myself, and if You
wants help l can do so. Don't give ne
no writing to do, as I is no great scribe
and will make blots, but / am one as can
calculate weather. Pay $50 month and
me just drop me line"
In a large and childish hand is writ
ten the following from louisiana:
81 am the man with weather. 1t may
be rain, sleet or snow, wind or fire, me-
teors or comets, just as / please about
that. | just tell you that l want my
money from the government for labor.
can't hope for you any longer without
settlement for part time and labor lost.
Hope YOU will attend to this and see
that l get my pay. Even this piece of
paper is worth llS WclBHI III Soiu' S'o''
from secret If you can't pay me for this
letter. Give it to Mckinley and tell him
TO cash it. l give 1t to him in prefer
ence to Bryan"
To the Postof1lce Department comes
gcodIy assortment OF letters, seriou:
and otherwise. one incident OF freaf
letter has now grown into series. Sew
eral months ago the department re-
ceived a small paper mail bag. such as
was then in vogue for sending Christmas
greetings. Inside this was inclosed q
/ silver dollar with the information, u
will call upon the department next
week" When the next week hao
passed and the man failed TO material
ize a letter was sent him courteously In
ouiring the whyfore of the matter. BACK
came another letter inclosing another
dollar and the information. Il will COM
municate in like manner with the other
departments" Up to that time 1t was
thought the money might be intended
for the postal savings bank, but the
last letter exploded this theory, and Sc
tho mail bag communications and 81 are
reposing in the safe in the office Of the
chief clerk.
New-York tribune., 1911-03-05
Told bv Noted Persons in Their Less Serious Moments

worse. then. than the voters of Cdshel.
"All the voters of Cashel used TO sell
their votes, and "A reform candidate once
got the preachers of the town to preach
against the sin Of such scandalous con-
duct.
The day after these sermons, the re-
form candidate said TO a party leader
"Well. how will the election go?'
ut will be close and difficult and ex-
pensive sir was the reply.
"What do you mean?' said the cam
didate.
well said the party leader, the
boys didn't understand that vote selling
was sin before. and they always let
their votes go for 81 apiece; but, now
that they know eternal damnatlon Is
awaiting them. ! understand that every
man jack OF them has put up his price
to 81"
New-York tribune., 1911-03-05
MAKING PATENT PASTRY.

To the Interior Department come all
kinds of letters. Many OF them con-
Germ patents and copyrights, as peo-
ple frequently think the Interior De-
partment has charge of these protec-
tions. One such letter was received first
by President Taft, accompanied by a
very weighty shoe box. II was addressed
to His Majesty the President of the
United States" while on the letter with
In the needing ran. your Royal High
ress" AZ for the body Of the letter, it
was II the effect that the writer was a
poor Italian baker and wanted to have
a new pa3try he had invented patented.
Down went the letter and package to
the Interior Department. There it was
reopened. The new pastry" was TO all
appearances "a cross between some
Turkish cOnfection and half-baked
bread 10 use the words Of one who was
present at the time Nothing could be
done but TO send it To the Patent Office
not, however, before the package had
been MADE To appear unopened. When
II reached its final destination an official
took one look and then fled. Tclephon-
ing up to the Secrctarys office. he in
quired In a trembling voice whether or
not they had sent down an Internal
machine" Reassurod of its harmless
ness to the mere looker-on. the regular
course of action in such matters was
begun, but patent was never issued
T.. Dana Durand. of the Census Bu-
reau. is not without his troubles from
freak" letters. lie receives huge num-
bers Of them along various lines, includ-
ing not "A few from people who wish to
become naturalized ard appeal to him
New-York tribune., 1911-03-05
FRED DENNETT...

THE northwest corner l found had
taken half-hitch around a perpendicu-
lar wall Of sorghum colored limestone
that looks as though it had been built
for that purpose, while the southwest
corner was not visible at all. being
buried under an adjoining hill to depth
OF several hundred feet, to reveal when
would entail an amount OF excavation 10
which do not feel equal, and for when
| do not think the government holds me
obligated in this contract. If l were
hunting scenery and landscape material
this entry would fill my soul with de-
light. / have never met a more perfect
land(e)scape in all my travels
Professor Willis L. Moore, of the
Weather Bureau, holds unique place
in the government service from freak
letter standpoint He has attained such
height that even the vaudeville man.
ayers are after him. To this end he re-
ceived a postal card from the manager
of a prominent vaudeville circuit, stat
ing:
II would like to engage you for sea-
son of vaudeville. / would do much BET
ter by you than Uncle Sam. Your part
would be to explain the thermometer, the
pluvometer and the other rigomagigs to
the public. The American people like TO
be humbugged." CAS- to the spelling or
the several meters" it is given as cor
rectly as the handwriting permits)
Another letter to Professor Moore
shows, If nothing more. the opinion some
people have Of the size of the depart
ment. 1t reads:
"Mr. Head Man: / take a heap OF in
New-York tribune., 1911-03-05
Queer Requests, Odd Advice, Mysterious Warn.
ings Come in Every Mail to Uncle Sans
Bureau Chiefs, Revealing Weird Conceptions
of the Duties of Servant of the People

TTAvE you something on your mind
~ that no one will listen to? DO
- n YOU yearn TO write letters to
some one-any one-just TO be writlngY
DO you feel that the men in authority
over the nation are making wotui
messes of their jobs and should be told
how to run the government. or is your
bump of curiosity so abnormally de-
veloped that you just have to stick your
finger in other peoples pie? II so, then
you may belong to the ranks OF those
who write freak letters TO men in the
public eye.
Thousands upon thousands of these
communications find their way to indi-
viduals Of prominence and TO the various
branches of the government service IN
Washington each year. Indeed, there Is
scarcely a man of note or a government
official Of any prominence whatever i'm
mune from them. often they relieve the
monotony of the days routine with their
queer phraseology and astounding i'm
port, but generally they clog the wheels
OF the governmental machinery, for
every one of them that can possibly be
taken seriously is answered with as
punctilious courtesy and fOrmality as
are communications of real Importance.
According to one unfortunate recipient,
there are two classes Of people who write
these freak letters. They are either
"cranks." writing in all seriousness un-
reasonable. illogical letters asking for in
formation or giving advice, or foolish
persons who write nonsensical letters
simply because they possess an over
grown or abortive sense of humor.
New-York tribune., 1911-03-05
6cials as Targets for Hosts of Freak Letter Writers

mark in blue pencil such as are your
favorites. also the ones Mrs. Wilson pre-
fers." Friendly interest in ones neigh
bors was also shown in the request of
another writer who asked that so-and-
SO might receive one. as "she is going to
be married soon and will sure need it,"
One man became so enthusiastic that he
informed the department that he thought
il much moro sensible for the govern
ment to be getting out such book than
"to be spending money for automobiles
for Uncle joe Cannon
DR.. Harvey w. Wiley, chief chemist Of
the Department of Agriculture. is flood
ed with scores of letters of all kinds.
Among them are to be found several Of
anything but complimentary nature.
One in particular would have, indeed,
discouraged the average man, but not
DR.. Wiley 1t ran:
"It is the general opinion here, among
the educated and intelligent citizens,
that for a few months you should exer-
else a rigid economy on your predictions,
and especially the asinine prophecy that
very soon all mankind would find them
selves without hair or teeth and that
too great intellectual pressure would
cause the disorder. If that can be shown
as the origin Of the caIamity you GER
tainly will escape with your hair and
teeth. AS a stimulant to your original
researches you should gaze upon the
New-York tribune., 1911-03-05
AN OFFICIAL TOOK
IT FOR AN iNEEHMAL
NAC HTNE

figure in the newspapers. However
there is no law that prohibits a man
from making an ass Of himself when
nature has furnished the groundwork
Another seeker after knowledge asked
for q certain formula for making glue,
which he had tried in vain to find out for
himself, and then added:
II am not expecting to have any par
ticular use for the knowledge, but still
I want TO know. ! am pretty much Ike
the old man was about his boy who got
drowned in a millpond. He said he
cared nothing in particular about the
boy. for he was not much account any
way, but he was really anxious to know
how the fool managed to drown HIM
self"
New-York tribune., 1911-03-05
RECEIVED BY CHAMP CLARK.

ut is very pleasant to get ones name
and picture in the newspapers" said
Champ Clark, but there is an old say
ing that there is no rose without a thorn.
In proportion TO the number Of times
your name and picture appear in
print the number of letters from persons
outside Of your own district increases.
one of the strangest letters / ever re-
ceived was from a man in a distant
state whom | had never seen. He asked
me TO send him by return mail COM
plete COPY Of all the Congressional Rec
ords printed since the foundation Of the
government / wrote him that ! had
been trying for ten years to save up the
$500 il required 10 own set for my own
use
"On another occasion received a let
fer from man who said he wanted me
10 write him two humorous lectures,
each an hour and a half In length, and
send them by return mail. ] wrote back
that / could not write humorous lectures
like YOU sell calico. by the yard, and that
I might not feel like writing one for
twelve months: that l am Ike the
Ouakers. and have TO wait until the
spirit moves me.
Uncle" Jim Wilson, Secretary Of Ag-
riculture. comes in for a large share or
pecular epistles from all over the coun-
fry. AS Secretary Wilson is so near to
the hearts OF the farming populace OF
the United States. many Of the letters
"a
I'm the most familiar manner possible
but they are not freaks. AT the time the
department was sending out many thou-
sand copies daily Of what was famiiiarIy
known as Uncle Sans COOK booh
scores Of amusing letters were received
In one OF them "the most hohorao'e
Secretary" was most respecuuiIy re-
ouested" 10 send a cook book ana -
and behold your phiz ana your Apo4o
New-York tribune., 1911-03-05
LOCKING AFTER THE NAVY.

Friday, such-and-such a date. In
such-and-such year, will be stormy at
sea, and the Navy Department should
warn the fleet" Such is the general pur-
port of communications passed out by
an astrologer who for & number OF years
has been a self-appointed storm signsr
Of the Navy Department. Several times
each year he sends the department LETT
ters inclosing forecasts for several
months and warning the Secretary that
certain days will be dangerous for ths
feet.
A few years ago Senator Frye was
asked by a constituent in Maine 10 send
him the Congressional Library, and cor
respondence was required TO ascertain
that the writer desired a report Of the
Congressional Library. That request
was considered all-embracing until few
weeks ago. when one reached Senator
Hale, OF Maine, which read:
"Win you please send me the United
States?"
a map OF the United States was for
warded in response TO the letter.
abolish the Senate" advised man
who went to the expense of telegraphns
his sentiments to Speaker Cannon. Ana
another, an old soldier, writes:
II respectfully petition your honoraoi'
bodies TO stop wind -iamming and take
yea and nay vote on the pension bill IN
creasing our age pensions, etc"
But the queerest OF all these freak le''
ters, perhaps. was received a short VIM.
ago by Elliott Woods. superintendent u
the Capitol at Washington. The write'.
who failed TO sign his name. impar.e~
the startling information that the cele-
brated Captain Kidd had buried h'
pirate loot in the Capitol grounds.
The object l speak Of" he writes
the digging up of $3O00,000 or S4Vov,
buried some years ago by Captain h''a
| can show you the exact spot TO dig =
is In the Capitol grounds. II you are ~
terested call and see me or drop h'0
line and tell me when l would be ap'
find you at your office and where WV
office is. can drop in any day.
In laying the foundations at the 'a
tol and in grading the surrounding p
the grounds were pretty Thoroughly
up. so, alas! this plan of cartinS awe.
few millions dwindles 10 nothing pu'
other Of those castles in Spain
New-York tribune., 1911-03-05

Champ Clark. at dinner in Washing
ton. pleaded for indulgence for some
what rambling speaker.
Hell arrive" said the Democratic
leader, "if you'l only give him time. He
is like Or. Thirdly.
"Dr. Thirdly was dividing up his SER
mon into its appropriate heads one Sun
day morning. when a member OF the
congregation shouted irascibly:
"'Meat. man, Give us meat"
"'Well,' said Dr. Thirdly promptly,
.hold ON. then. I'LL I'm done carving
New-York tribune., 1911-03-05
UNCLE JoE's" WINDFALL.

A few days ago Uncle joe Cannon
found ON his desk one blithe morning a
letter from Bombay, India, stating that
the writer's. a law firm of that city
were holding in deposit the VIII ol
woman client who bequeathed her entire
fortune Of 50, 100000 to Joseph G. can
non. of Danville H." Many years ago,
so the letter ran, Mr.. Cannon had done
"a great deed of kindness to a poor
man from whom he could have expected
no return. The man later went TO India.
accumulated a large fortun-. died ana
left his money to the woman client with
the proviso that at her death the estate
should pass to his one-time benefactor.
Further. said the writer's. their client
could not possibly live more than SIX
months.
"Uncle Joe" did not faint from the
shock, nor did he begin TO spend any OF
the money in advance.
Bombay HI" he said. Il never had
a friend worth S2500OO0, and If l had
he wouldn't have left it to me! l don't
know of friend or foe in Bombay or
its suburbs. 1t looks to me like prac-
tical joke"
The truth or falsity of the Sage OF
Danvine's explanation has not as yet
been determined. but since then he mas
been simply deluged with hundreds OF
letters concerning it. The president OF
a certain college believes that a neat
building with the inscription Cannon
Industrial Hall" over the door could be
erected for S500O00 of the inheritance
An orphan boy wants the modest sum OF
81 with which to buy crutch. There
are at least a dozen widows in as many
states Of the Union who must be dead
by this time from starvation because
they received no checks in reply to their
begging letters in all. the appeals for
aid from churches, charitable institu-
tions, benevolent societies, etc, totalled
nearly S1S00O,O00. When the first batch
arrived Mr.. Cannon waxed exceeding
eloquent; since then his secretary has
been running his disposition in an effort
10 answer them.
A short while before this, somehow,
the impression became scattered broad
cast that Uncle joe had SOFT spot
in his heart for lonely old maids and
timid bachelors, and, withal, firm be-
lief that it is more blessed for others TO
be married than single. Apparently
every soul mate, handsome widow, un-
attached affinity, wealthy, home low
ing bachelor" and perfect lady begged
Mr.. Cannon 20 take his cigar out of his
mouth and put them on the right matri-
monial track.
Uncle Cannon: Deer Sur" wrote one
of them, a cautious person indeed; Il
will say have no wifee, but the one who
writes to me / will write TO her. want
a good wifee. l will not send no ike
ness to no woman at all. / Will not
have it taken by TO means. But / Will
write a letter If you will send me name
Of woman"
New-York tribune., 1911-03-05
COSTLY ENLIGHTENMENT.

Judge Hiram G. Flick. of West Lib
erty, said the other day Of the notorious
disfranchisod vote sellers Of his native
Ohio:
Some Of these men. | understand. even
claimed that they didn't know it was
wrong 10 sell ones vote. They were
New-York tribune., 1911-03-05

Troubles never come singly., Then why
marry?
The charm Of gambling lies in It's
winning ways.
New-York tribune., 1911-03-05
IN ITS DUE ORDER.

make him confess that he did it or make
him confess that he didn't
New-York tribune., 1911-03-05
IN THE PRESIDENTS MAIL.

As the President of the United States
William Howard Taft is considered by
some citizens the proper person to help
them bear their trials and tribulations.
One woman, so persuaded has for a
\ long time written the President at least
one letter a day. and sometimes two.
/ There is never request or complaint In
! her letters: they are simply long ac-
counts of her troubles. Letters asking
! for cancelled check. which the Presi-
dent has signed, the size shoes he wears,
the amount Of cloth it requires 10 make
him a suit of clothes, his height. etc,
are by no means uncommon. Others
come in advising him to use such-and-
such a hair oil as sure cure for bald
ness, while one woman declared she
/ by a certain formula.
/ The White House seems to be the
mecca Of many personss thoughts. for
! postal cards from persons at Coney
| Island and elsewhere are frequent addi-
tions to the mail. Very often they are
pictures, evidently. of the sender. Some
times they are said not to be in the best
Of taste. but always funny.
One man is so engrossed in the welfare
Of the country that he wrote the Presi-
dent letter in which he outlined all the
mistakes that he dhe President) had
made during his administration. He
further added some sound advice, and
the statement that he would write
again next week. giving you more ad.
vice" And he did.
Brigadier General James Allen, chief
signal officer of the War Department, is
by no means immune from the receipt OF
peculiar letters. More than this, he
also receives a large number Of models
and drawings Of airshps that cannot
'fail TO fly One Of the models which
has recently found it's way TO his Office
has the appearance Of bird, and is con-
structed to a considerable extent OF
black silk. It's appearance when held In
| the air is of a bird of i'll omen, and the
model, at least, refuses to fly. Yet the
inventor, nevertheless. must be treated
courteously, and simply be informed that
the department regrets that II cannot
consider the matter of investigating II.
Such incidents I'm the last few years have
come TO be looked upon as a regular part
| OF the signal corps duties.
New-York tribune., 1911-03-05

as the proper authority. One man cent
him 81 and an advance enumeration
blank, with the statement that he
wanted to be enumerated"
But what ranks as his first place
freak letter was received from a man
in search of a wife. In the letter In
which he made known his desire he sent
a picture OF himself. one Of his house,
which only wanted "a wife," and plct-
ure of his brewery. The wife he desired
was to be one of the census girls. The
epstle was passed around through the
office. but failed to bring the results
which the gentleman had expected.
The Fargo forum and daily republican. [volume] (Fargo, N.D.) 1894-1957, 1911-02-09
]. G. BROWN TALKS
ON RECIPROCITY
FORMER COUNTY COMMISSIONER
AND WELL KNOWN FARMER
THINKS RECIPROCITY WITH
CANADA WOULD BE BLOW TO
NORTH DAKOTA.

II am opposed to the proposed reci-
procity with Canada, unless the bars
are let down for everything. 1 don't
believe the members of either this or
the next congress will ever ratify any
such a one-sided treaty as that sug..
gested by President Taft and Secretary
Knox"
The foregoing statement was made
to The Forum by j. G. Brown of
Wheatland, and is typical of the senti-
ment of the farmers, generally.
Il have lived in North Dakota for
thirty one years." continued Mr. Brown.
land came here from Canada to i'm
prove my condition. did so. But If
this reciprocity treaty goes through ]
am going back to Canada, because
that country will have all the best of
North Dakota.
my farm is not as fertile and pro-
ductive today as it was a quarter OF
a century ago. / can't raise as high
grade hard spring wheat as I could
then, or as l could in northwest Can
ada. Every farmer realizes this, and
If the reciprocity treaty is ratified the
wheat growers of this state cannot
will have to turn their attention to
something else.
There will have to be a readjust-
ment in agricultural conditions and
North Dakota farm values viii neces-
sarily suffer for period
North Dakota did not have a big
crop last year. AS result the people
have about $4O,OOO,O0O less to spend
than usual. and times have not been
very lively. This proposed reciprocity
will be worse than bad crops. II we
should grow big crop after reci-
procity, our total cash receipts would
not be much more than for last years
short crop and we would have a lot
more to handle. We can't spend money
in9Fargo, improve our farm buildings
buy fine clothes and autos under such
conditions.
'Reciprc PITY will not only be blow
to the IA mers, but to every line of
business North Dakota.
II see the representatives from this
state are planning to make a bitter
hght against ratification, and hope thew
will be successful.
II can't see Mr.. Taft's motive
clearly" concluded Mr.. Brown. IF he
wants to wipe the republican party of
the map entirely in the agricultural
states, his persistent efforts for thu
ratification Of this treaty will have the
desired effect. If reciprocity wins
there won't be enough republican votes
left in North Dakota to wad shot
gun"