davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11
an ACCURATE CLOCK.
m T1msplsss In the Observatory -
Y csluwhis Untvsrsjty.

m T,mselsss In the Observatory -
X csiusabis Unfvsrsity.
! In tie observatory Of Columbia uni-
ssrsity i one Of the most accurate
BLOCKS in the world. II has run foG
several months with = mean error Of
euly ffteen-tbousandths Of second
and . maximum error of thirty-thou-
eandths of a second per day. That
means that 1t does not vary more than
kalf second . month. or sig seconds
D year.
7 Compare this with the first pocket
Simepiece. the animated err Of Nu-
femberx." which required winding
twice q day and varied an hour and Q
kaIf In the same time! Compare 1t
nth some Of the highest priced
matches manufactured today. which
bften vary more than ten seconds q
week. and you viii have some idea Of
The reinements In the science Of meas
hiring time Yet even this accuracy II
surpassed BY some famous timepicces.
II the trade magazines are to be be-
jieved. There have been accounts In
them Of clocks or watches that have
varied less than second in periods as
long a. ten years.
The clock at the University Of Co
1nmbia b an astronomical clock 1t -
6urrounded by Q glass case In which q
partial vacuum IL maintained. and tn
order that the case may not be opened
'ce disturbed the winding b done auto
natically BY electricity. The clock II
set mp in room especially constructed
10 keep It free from Jar or vibration.
Chs temperature and barometric con-
ditions are maintained practically con-
slant, and every possible precaution r.
aiken to minimize the errors Of the
running mate.-New York World.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11
A Sharp churehman.

OF the famous Samuel Foote, caustfc
wit and practical Joker, the following
story Is given:
Foote tricd joke on the archbishop
of Canterbury, who was not to be
caught. The actor forwarded copy
of "The Minor" to the primate, 4 play
so gross that Irish audiences would
have none of 1t, though 1t was a big
success In England, with the polite
request that If his grace saw anything
Objectionable in 1t he would strike It
out. But the archbishop sent It hack
without n mark and declared af.er-
ward to n friend that IL he had put q
pen to the manuscript Foote would
straightway have advertised 1t "as cor
rected and prepared for the stage by
his grace the archbishop Of Canter-
bury" And. Judging by what history
tells us of Foote'S character, he prob
ably woald.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

n Boston, ~ every one knows. tbs
1mphony concerts are Viewed in thu
Hight Of sacred ceremonials. In this
eennection the story IL told Of two lit
Dc girls Of certain family who n
tarned from the music hall "in stat.
Il mind" One Of them carried an ea-
1eession Of deep scorn. the other an
air Of great detection.
"what Is the matter, girls?" asked
some member Of the household. "Was
he concert finer
The concert was all right" respond.
- Eleanor. 1.-THE trouble was with
Mary. She disgraced herself"
"Disgraced herself7"
''Yes: she sneexed In the middle Of
tie symphony."-Philadelphia Ledger.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

theatrical production h full a ab-
asrditIes In business. A situation y
vpauired, . situation y thrown IN. It
nakes not ths slightest difference II Il
- q trolley car crew Of song and dance
hesthers manning yacht in the desert
= eahafa. You have. the trolley crew
81 ths yacht. and II the scene hap
psns to be 4 section Of the ard west
whers typhoons take the place Of va
Assspouts-well, 70 much the worse for
u scena And II the conductors cod
Ioet fares from the sailors to carry out
- business OF the song. I'VE Are Jol-
h, Jolly Street Car Men," tho audisnce
mnst be prepared to submit calmly to
. sandstosm Immediately following.
WAich h necessary to bring on the
wind machine and stereopticDn. When
Q comic opera (bcaven save the markD
opened at Madison Square roof with
japanese costumes. Broadway dialogue.
Q Marian setting. apd Irish comedy
there were absuriities enough to de-
light q dozen stage directors.-HenFy
z. Warner In Bohemian Magazine.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11
a Mn, pIssinetisn.

He was hurrying for the train,
somewhat impeded by a clumsy crate
containing large live turkey. As he
approached the gate the guard stopped
him with gesture.
.sYou can't take that through here,
be said. ..That'll have to be checked
or 80 by express."
sBut can't STOP" declared the
passenger. "l've got to get this train.
And lie tried to push through again.
The guard held him back. .'rhat is
baegage.r he sah firmly. land 1t must
% IN the baggage car
.sOh. no." replied the other. with a
charming and confident smile; '.lt's
luggage. Don't you zee Tn Juggling
itT. And be had slipped by before the
astonished guard had caught his
breath.-Youth's Companion.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

back his head and laugh loud and
long. At the end Of mn hour or IN
hour and half the man stopped his
noisy applause and mirth, and. lean
Ing toward a reporter, he whispered:
.'Say, this is the white faced min
strel show, amt it?''
"Why, no. the reporter answered.
1.-THE white faced minstrels are two
doors below
whats this. then?" he inquired.
"This," said the reporter, .is the an
nuai conference Of the Psychologists
society,"
WAL" said the crestfailen mar.
"Ill bew And, with look of disgust,
he hurried from the hall.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

A practical Joker carried an onion
b his pocket to the depot when bid
ding farewell to young lady and
tsok q bite now and then to induce
esars. Before the train departed he
I'D eaten the entire onion. The young
laAy. perceiving the situation, re-
nArked. "Ah. you have swallowed
year griefr'-Harper's Weekly.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11
cirsumstsn.ial Evidence.

Even the ciearest and most perfect
circunistantiai evidence IL likely to be
1t fault. after all. and therefore ought
to be received with great caution.
Take the case OF any pencil sharpened
BY any woman. II you have witnesses
you will nnd she did It with knife.
but II you take simply the aspect Of
the pencil you will say she did 1t with
her teeth.-Mark Twain.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

RI notice." said husband who was
reading . lengthy letter which Ills
wife had written and had handed to
him for perusaI. that you have made
4 stupid mistake. You have writ EN-
mirage instead Of marriage"
''Either will do" replied the Indy.
They both signify an Illusion"
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

A. . fond mother. whom the day y or.
Leads BY the hand hsr little ehnd 70
bed.
Half willing. half reluctant 10 b led.
And leave his broken paaythinss % TIE
stin casing At them through he spsn
door.
Nor wholly treasured and eofmfoetsd
BY promises Of othsrs In thsir staa1.
Which. though more splendid. may noe
please him more.
30 nature deals with NJ and takes sway
Our piaythings one BY one ana ~ me
hand
Lsads VI to rest 70 gently that ws 20
Scarce knowing u We wish to 20 OF stay.
Being too full Of slesp TO undsTstanA
How far the unknown transceads ths
n-' !" > II. W. Isnrfenex.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

NOT We9ke00 0pee0 Laws.
A well known amateur yacbtsman Of
New York tells this Joke ON himself:
With a few friends be started on 4
cruise by way Of Long Island sound
They kept close to the shore. and.
owing to the lack Of wind and to the
slowness Of their boat, they were still
drifting by familiar country 4 week or
20 after they left Gotham.
At one point Of land they passed =
solemn individual sat fishing. For
some hours the boat made virtually NO
progress. and after awhile the Usher
man reused himself sufficiently to ask:
"Where are ye folks from!'
-New York"
"How long outr'
''Since June L.
Then after pause the man asked:
What year?'-Lippincott's.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

A man from an up state town en-
tered conference In New York city
and sat down near the press table. 1t
was noticed that, though he appeared
bewilderetl. the man was eager to ks
pleased. He clapped- boisterously at
the slightest provocation, and where
others only smiled he would throw
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11


Ycu must never walk barefoot on
- aoor, no matter how clean It -, q
u odious worm called jigger viii
ester your foot to raise a numerSsa'
family and painful swelling. On thu
other hand, be sure when you put On
boots or shoes that, however hurried.
you turn them upside down and look
inside lest 4 scorpion. small snake
Of. a perfectly frightful kind Of cent?
psd may be lying In ambush. Never
throw your clothes carelessly upon the
ground. but put them away at once In
q Tin box and shut 1t tight or per.
csct colony Of fierce biting creatures
viii beset them. And, above all, OUT
,tne!-winston Churchill, M p. II
London Strand.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

IA man kin allus fix mp arguments
quiet hiS conscience" said Uncle
ben, s'but faint NO use. No matter
Nv much you turns de clock back.
bndown gwinter come jes' Dc same"
Washtngton Star.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11
The
Scrap Book
The


The bridegroom and his bride were
starting on their honeymoon Just n
they had taken their seats In the train
one Of the bridegroom's chums came
hastily along to bid him goodby.
As the young husband extended his
hand the friend snapped handcum
on his wrist. The groom had been
expecting a trick Of some kind. and
before the practical Joker could play
similar trick on the bride he found
the other handcuff snapped around
his own wrist. He was chained to
the happy bridegroom himself!
THAT'S a good one against me. Har.
ry," he said, with sickly smile. "but
shall have TO ask you to come to tho
door with me and get the key for
these things. A man on the platform
has It,"
Just then the whistle sounded, and
the train started OF, and 1t made no
stop for the next fifty miles. Before
that, however, the porter, with tho aid
of file, succeeded in separating the
"prlsoners."
The joker meanwhile had to pay
full fare both ways.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11
Where ths Cos. Comes In.

81 Whsrs ths Cost Comes In.
E3eDo you ind the cost Of living any
a&sher In New York than 1t was In the
ktls old town.
ssNo. Living doesn't cost 10 much
1Aors, but q fellow has to pay a big
rice to keep from getting lonesome"
sChicago Rscord-Herald.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11
Caught the Court.

An Irfshman was arraigned for In
toxication, and after answering the
courts request for his name Pat ad-
dressed the judge in the howery Ian
guage of barney. In his plea for an
other chance Pat intermixed his titie
of ''your honor" with your holiness"
your reverence" and other titles usual
ly applied to- those Of the clerical
garb. Finally, when the stream con-
tinued for some minutes, the judge
stopped Pat and asked:
'Now, Pat. what in the name Of
thunder do you think l amt"
Pat hesitated for moment and.
scratching his head as II perplexed.
replied:
..sure, your reverence. judging from
your kindly face. am sure that you
can't be anything less than bishop"
Then amid the laughter Of the at
tendants Pat was Observation-Disclosures.
natl Commercial Tribune.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11
Painfully Frank.

Mis- Oidgiri-Here are some new
pictures had taken. but they are per.
fscf rights. The photographer went
to h NO natterer. Miss Pert-No. but
~ b conscientious.-Baltl Amer
kan.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11
Sure Thing.

'.So Jack and Tom proposed last
night. Which did you accept?'
why. my dear. I was 80 excited I
cart remember. But whichever calts
tonight must be the one."-Spoka,,s
Spokesman Review.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

In our great-grandfathers young
Gays man was usually not only con-
sidered, but really was. elderly at for
y. old at hfty and equity, flannel
swathed wreck at sixty. = London
Throne and Country.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

Nra Plymouth Rock Yes. we are
very proud Of the fact that our an
cestors came over In the 1iaydower.
Nm. Many Rocks tseverely,-ln the
nsse cabin + Cleveland Plain Dealer.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

In Scottish village farm laboref
mined Bill Brown lost his wife. While
on her deathbed she implored him
to never marry again after The was
gone. Furthermore. should he do 70
she would scratch through the ground
and come hack to punish him. The
threat apparently had due edscts for
some months. the widower rsjectiug
many tempting Offers. After time.
however. the village got to Whispering
about Bill being seen walking With q
certain lass. Met one day By reaa-
tive of the wife. be was asked II there
was any truth ln the rumaF that was
about the village. to which be replied
10 the affirmative.
"Are ye no afraid Of poor nasy's
threat o. queried the relative.
"Nas fear o that. my lad. j took
good care to hAs hsf bertit fAcs Aoon-
wards. % ths usaif - ncvatcAas The
farther shs'il eang 6oe4 J
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

One has heard many legendary jokes
about Thackeray's broken nose, and
Mr.. Walter Jerrold adds another to
the number In the biography which he
has written Of his grandfather. Doug
has Jerrold and Punch" He quotes
from letter which Jerrold wrote to
Dixie of the Athenaeum. about the
year 1853: Lady - is trying to coz
vert Thackeray to Romanism. She
had better begin at his nose!'
When. on another occasion, Albert
Smith drew Jerrold's attention to an
article which he had written for one
of the magazines and signed "A. g."
he was cruelty asked, "Why do you
only tell two-thirds Of the truth?"
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

IN. ufe. An ass to ihs miserable, q
nons1t b ths happy... Bacon
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11
n. Earned The Money !,

A certain pretty girl who lives On .
fashionable street in Chestnut hill has
a small brother who Is. as small broth
ers are apt to be. the plague Of her
existence and over whom she attempts
to maintain a rigid elder sistefly dis
cipIine.
Yesterday afternoon she saw him
eating candy.
"why. Phil" she said, where did
you get that candy?'
"Oh, bought it." Philip replied air.
lily, and Philips sister. who knew the
deplorable state of his finances. raised
her eyebrows suspiciously.
Where" she began-'.where did you
get the money!"
Philip whistled. II earned It," he
answered. with great assumption Of
dignity.
The big sister wondered for a mo-
ment. then laughed outright "You
never earned cent in your life, Phil!'
she exclaimed. You're too lazy for
anything. Tell me-" very sternly.
where you got that money"
"None o. your business" answered
Philip impudently; you amt my
mother tell you earned it did.
I earned this all right. got 1t from
your beau yesterday afternoon when l
saw him kissing the baby's nurse.
Well. what's the matter? l guess I
earned 1t all right" Philadelphia
Times.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

A Scottish gillie met the prefer Of
nip from his masters flask with
the protest that he "cudna drink DOT
o. bottle"
Pressed. however, to try, he put the
flask to his lips, and the sound of the
steady gurgling never ceased until he
handed back the empty flask.
"Hoots. Dugald," sadly observed the
laird. as he held the flask upside down
to confirm his astonished vision, "mcb-
be We capnn drink DOT O. n bottle
but, hech. man, ye'd soon learn
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

2 1. ~ f'i ~ ~ 1880 tNs4SSs ~
e The feli0wing y one Of tho stof11q
told shout Eugene Field: a.
There were visitors In prospect oue
afternoon 10 the Field household and
q strike In the culinary department.
Mischief was at nood tide, and Mrs.
Field was vainly endeavorins to b.
everywhere At once when the man Of
''slarps and fats appeared in the
Kitchen doorway with folio In his
hand.
.Oh. won't you watch those pies for
me while run upstairs for nm In
stant?" his wife exclaimed. BE sure
not to let the meringues scorch. II
would ruin them. You'd better give
me that book or they'll BE- burned to Q
crisp" With mock meekness Mr.. Field
allowed her to carry OF his treasure.
On returning she was horrfled to md
the oven door wide open and the rich,
nuffy meringue nat. tough and leather.
like. Vi
They're rusnedr' she exclaimed IN
dismay. why diaa't you keep the
oven door shut?"
Keep the door shut" Mr. Field ~.
peated in very genuine amaxement.
why. you told me to watch them
every instant. and I'd like to know
how could do that with the oven door
shut"
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

From like like springs; not corn from
weeds.
But corn from corn. From weeds weeds
spring.
And so the law of human needs
From like like springs.
Exact the eternal balance swinss
Above all laws of changing creeds
In morals or of changing thingD-
From like like sprinEs-
Good unto good. evil to evil leads.
Each soul itself the good or evil brings.
Nauglt else can harm the soul that happy
reads.
From like like springs.
Bennett Bea1mAn.
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11

Avarice il the Vice Of dsclinins ysazs
Bancroft. -l5
The Meeker herald. [volume] (Meeker, Colo.) 1885-current, 1911-11-11
SHE DID IT HERSELF.
Il Was Coed Job. Too. but Her Hvs.
band Didn't Appreciate Il.

08WQ 0s0Ut 0PPrNVs9sS ~
A Philadelphia man who may be
Designated M Mr.. Blank was asked by
his wife the other day to aid In re-
moving inside shutters from windows
throughout the house so that they
rould be washed Being In hurry.
he asked his better half to defer the
matter until his return from the office.
.I1l do 1t myself" was her retort.
Don't" was Mr.. BIS counsel as no
departed; women don't understand
such work"
This Of course only more firmly de-
cided Mrs. Blank to go ahead. and
when Blink returned that night he
found the shutters down. His wife
was nursing several liberated fingers.
but she wore triumphant air. 1.-The
screwdriver slipped once or twice."
she explained In response to his In
qulring glunce at her bandaged digits.
.Screwdriver slippedv' repeated Mr.
B. In a dazed tone. Great snakes.
woman! You don't mean to say you
unscrewed all the shutter hingesf'
"Of course" snid his wife compla-
Gently. What other way could get
the shutters DOWN."
For answer Blank lifed shutter
and pulled the pin out Of one of the
hinges. showing that the taking down
of each shutter only inyof.el the re-
moval Of two pins. When he figured
that there were ten pairs Of shutters
and each pair required. the driving of
sixteen screws to put them up he
swore while his wife wept.
Daily independent. [volume] (Elko, Nev.) 188?-1915, 1911-09-26
HIS READY WIT WON PLACE
Under Prefecture In French oovsrn.
mont Goes to Young Man With
Smart Tongue

There is now In the Fronoh Chan
Der as attache OF oDS q The Mtnis
terial departments q young man Who
owes his position to his native smart
ness. He went up to Paris with . b0t
Ter OF introduction to Q minister and
was received in the stOrSotyp0d hash.
lon. He turned up at the department.
daily. At length the minister noted
his perth lcity and BY way Of saying
something asked the young man II be
would like to have his photograph.
The present was accepted and the
minister overwhelmed with thanks.
After receiving the Photograph the
young man absented himself altoOSth.
or from the bureau. Two months
elapsed and then there was \ chance
meeting In the street. The minister
smiling. asked the suitor the cause q
his prolonged absence.
Mon Dieu. monsieur le Ministrs.
was the reply, Il had your photographs
and spoke to 1t, and that was enough
for me-" And what did my photo
graph do for you? What favor?" In
quired the minister. "Oh. nothing. alb
solutely nothing" WAS the quick reply
exactly as the original. 30 knew the
resemblance was perfect"
The next day this youth Of enter.
prise received his appointment, and
he Is said to be named for Ap under
prefecture.
Daily independent. [volume] (Elko, Nev.) 188?-1915, 1911-09-26
COST HIS SALARY TO SLEEP
Newly Elected Senator Gets Object
Lesson In High Cost
Of Living.

newly elected senator came on
early to Washington to arrange for
rooms. and had an objectIesson fur.
nished him on "the high cost OF lIv
Ing" He wanted In start in with
the swim" and be at the center Of
things 70 he priced the "focusaI" no.
tel
I'VE make It $3.50 month, two
rooms and bath. to you. senator
without meals" said the clerk dream.
lily When the senator caught his
breath. he was two blocks up tho
avenue
lie tried another hotel: a moder.
ately exclusive house whose lobbies
were a sort Of eddyIng pool OF states.
men and influential" lobbyists. To
him the attendant Hamen OF this
gilhed shrine remarked: Now. wo
have n choice two rooms with bath.
at 1880 per month"
without oating-just for n sleep.
inFplace!" broke In tho senator. why,
I'd burn mp with fever II had to sleep
nj that prlce!"
'"e hhIaTy OF senator III Si'oVV'
and u is figured on the high level Of
"s'mple living" in Washington that no
ought to part with that much for a..
sured rest at a good hotel. But tho
new senator didn't feel that way about
". Finally II was suRgosted that he
might take room at the simple ho-
tel Of the old days. at 81 per ~ hours,
and save money. using the parcel
room for baggage whom away ovor
Sunday. Then he could take a peep
At Peacock alley and meet friends In
the lobby" which the more wealthy
stalesmen and tourists support.-Na.
uonal Magazine.
Daily independent. [volume] (Elko, Nev.) 188?-1915, 1911-09-26
Two Kinda of Rjche8.
Louis J. CohE,
Register

Dollar chasing by day: bridge whist
by night: home a place for sleeping
only. Is not success. Live today. Make
II successful. Make II a day OF prog
ress, Kindness and work. A lot OF such
todays I'm your old age will be pleas.
ant to look back upon.
II your todays are dollar chasing
and character killing. looking back
ward in the old age days will be a
cheerless picture. Yes" says Bill
Success. you can be rich-there are
two kinds OF riches. dollars and happi-
ness"
There are two doors, Dollars at tho
left and Happiness at the right, and
the ticket taker is at the entrance and
his name Is Compensation" Go in
either door. but there are no rain
checks given or money back. You must
choose which door you will take.
There's an inner door TO the Dollar
entrance marked Failure. There's an
inner door to the Happiness entrance
~knarked Success. You may go In either
ntrance, but you must pay the price.
Daily independent. [volume] (Elko, Nev.) 188?-1915, 1911-09-26
WESTERN PACIFIC TIME CARO-

A new time card will 90 into
effect tomorrow on the Western
Pacific by which the trains will
arrive and depart as follows:
West bound: No. arrives mt
] ! so p. m. departs at 1901 a. m.
West bound: No 8 arrives at
9:25 a. m and departs at 9:35 am.
East bound: No. 2 arrives at
8:l5 a. m. and departs at 1926
a. m.
East bound: No. q arrives at
7:l2 p. m. and departs at 1922
p. m.