The Washington bee., 1911-07-22
ABNER
GOT MAD
By Nj. QUAD
copyright. 1910, by Associated Literary
Press

Miss Eunice CHASER was "sorter"
old maid, but it was not her fault,
Abner Jackson, who was a "sorter"
old bachelor, had been courting her
for five years without actually popping
the question. She lived with her wild
owed mother in the village and he
worked little farm just outside.
Abner wasn't lazy. He was Just a
good natUred poke of a man. He WAS
goin~ to get married some day, but
there was no hurry about it. He al
ways talked as if he intended to marry
Eunice, but he didn't come down to
details. He didn't ask her to name
the day and arrange the bridal tour.
Eunice liked Abner and bore with him.
but she was getting rather tired of 1t
when her Aunt Hannah came on a
visit. Aunt Hannah saw Abner two
or three times, understood his nature
and then said to her niece:
Look here, you've got poke Of a
man hanging around after you. and 1t
may be ten years more before he'll
say anything about marriage Are
you going to put up with it or do
something"
why, auntie, what can doT''
Get mad at him and make him
think he's going to lose you"
HE only laughs when I get mad"
Then set in and criticise his feet.
his nose, his eyebrows. Tell him that
he's the homeliest man you ever saw"
81 don't think he'd mind it at all"
Didn't you ever see him show any
temper?"
Not a bit. He was run over by a
drove Of hogs once and got up laugh
ing. No, you can't make Abner mad.
He's poke, but an awfully good
man"
And are you going to keep right on
for the next fifty years, are you"
One afternoon three or four days
later a vinegar barrel with one head
out was left at the house by the grocer
to be used as rain barrel. The house
stood on quite hill, and there was a
sharp slope down to the village street.
About the hour Abner usually appear
the other side of the village, and when
the poke arrived Aunt Hannah was
the one to greet him. She took him
to the corner of the house where the
barrel stood and promptly began:
''See here. Mr.. Jackson, you've been
daWdling around here for years. What
are you afterY
"Why-why'- he stammeTed as he
leaned up against the house and could
say no more.
"Oh, you can't tell! I knew you
couldn't. You've come here almost ev-
cry night in the week for months and
years and squatted yourself down, and
what for? Your talk can't interest
anybody. The sight Of you isn't in
spring. If I was Eunice I'd just as
soon have a wooden man around. And
vet you come and squat and squat I
ask you, sir, what you mean by such
cOnduct?"
IL guess I'll go home" answered
Abner. who was too astonished to see
straight.
And l guess you won't" said Aunt
Hannah, at least not until you have
explained yourself. I've been looking
at you. If 1 had a COW as homely as
you are I'd knock her in the head with
the ak. Hump shouldered, bowlegged
and feet like an elephant, and yet you
come here and squat around and take
up a girls time! Why, man, what can
you think Of yOurselfT'
III never come again." exclaimed
Abner in a changed voice
That's good That's what I want
ed to hear you say. Go and squat
somewhere else. Go and find the home
Iiest girl in the country to match you.
The first time | saw you / knew you
was poke of a man and you hadn't
grit enough to push toad off It's nest"
Woman, be careful! If you aggra-
Yate me too much''-
'-Aggrsvate an old poke: Why, man,
it would take you three years to get
mad, even if you started in tonight"
The next thing she knew she was
being lifted off her feet in Abner's
strong arms and deposited in the handy
barrel. Before she could yelp twice
the barrel was whiTled on its side
and given a kick TO start it down the
slope. 1t took an erratic course. It
ran to the right a few feet and then
SHE'D to the left. 1t stopped for a
moment at a gOOseberry bush and
then lodged and jumped clear over
crabappIe tree. There were yelling and
screaming from the inmate Of the bar
rel, but Abner stood and watched the
circus and shouted back:
"'I'm a poke, am /? Pm a squatter,
am I? I've got bowlegs and bumped
shoulders and feet like an elephant!
Col durn your hide, roll on.'
And the barrel rolled, and Aunt Han
nah rolled, and neither Of them stop
ped rolling till the barrel crashed
through the fence and brought up
against a shade tree in the street. No
one was killed. No bones were broken.
Aunt Hannah cTept out and up to the
house and was just finished with the
last Of the arnica when Miss Eunice
came rushing in with radiant face to