davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1911-04-21
Classical cannibal.

"slrs. said the castaway savhnt to
he deputation Of cannibals. 4 gather
from your display Of threatening weap.
ons and from your malignant expires.
slons that II is your intention TO de
YOUR myself and my Fidus Aohates"
Here lie indicated with a gesture the
friend who had been prevailed upon
To accompany him on the journey.
What IL he saying asked the vice
chairman Of the cannibh committee.
lie wants To get on7' explained the
chairman, who had smatterlng NJ
English HE wants to feed IN Mr.
Achates'
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1911-04-21
III. Old. Old story.

Tired and dusty, a party was re-
turning by train from a holiday trip.
Simkins. a little bald man. seated
himself down to read bur dropped on
TO sleep on the rack was a fcrocious
crab In bucket and when Simkin'
went To sleep the crab woke up ana.
finding things duu in the bucket
started exploring
iy careful navigation MIR Crau
reached the edge of the rack Down
Do fell alighting ON Simkin's shoulder
aud % grabbed the mans ear I'd
steady itself The passengers held
their breath and waited for develop
mcuts. but Simkins only shook hii
head and said
Lot 20. SARAH tell YOU ! have
been ut the Office all the evening Co.
Ideas
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1911-04-21

According 10 recent report by DR..
Conrad Bicsalski OF Berlin. there arc
10000 cripples In tho German empire
out OF a population OF 60.bO0. 900. over
10000 OF tho cripples arc In need OF
proper treatment. Doctor Blesalski
states that In 10 per cent OF the Grip
pies examined. their dcformity was
due to tuberculosis Of the bono and
joints, and that there were 10000 such
children In great need Of medical
treatment He advocates tho ostab.
llshmont OF seaside sanatorla for this
latter class Of cripplos.
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1911-04-21

And you can tell my fortune n
you know what stars were most prom
inent when was born2' she asks Of
the astrologist
practically, yes" answers the as.
trologist
- suppose" she faltors, y suppose
that is-of course. whatever tell
you here IN to he considered a pro
fessional segrot7'
Most assurcdly You need not have
the slightest misgiylng
We'll. when was horn Murdoch
was getting the best press notices
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1911-04-21

Laying down his pen after having
done half column Of comment upon
a popular novel, into which comment
he had succeeded In working several
phrases which could be used cleyorly
In display advertisements, the critic
picked up the book he had been re.
viewing, and turned the pages idly.
Looks like II might be interesting,
he said Some day ! believe m read
It,"
Referring to his list Of titles and
publishers. he resumed his daily task
lHLeN-~G4asLS
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1911-04-21

Two Germans who were crossing
the Luxembourg frontier declared 10
the customs officials. "Wc have with
us three bottles Of red wine each
How much is there to pay?" Where
Is it, was asked We'll, inside us
The official gruycly looked at his
tariff book and read well In casks
20 shillings In bottles. IS shillinEs
In donkcys' hides. free. Gentlemen
he added. looking up. you can go -
Der Guttcmplair.
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1911-04-21
Correcting a Mistake

"thrIs Outs'rip Men. says thu head
ut vasslr college Evidently coutrivcd
for the purpose Of splitting the ma
tional lipsl why making due allow
uncc for insomnia, putting out the
cat, locking the side door and all the
other things occur to one after he has
the covers drawn over his neck. a
man can still cross the bordcrland OF
sleep before woman get her hath
of Bunalo News
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1911-04-21
Decision Reversed.

The cook. who had held sway long
enough To be established rs family
autocrat. was sent out TO buy the
Christmas turkey She returned with
two fine. plump chickens. why,
Mary" her mistress demonstrated, u
told you to get a turkey, not
chickens"
II know. mum, she answered, but
DOM Mo InrknN"
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1911-04-21
Didn't Speak I'm. lannuan..

Mr. Howard was man " exceed.
ingly few words. lie positively dis.
liked 70 talk as an Indian dislikcs to
smile one day hc went into a music
store TO buy the music OF an opera for
his sister The clerk came up and tu
him MIR Howard said
Mikado librctto.'
The salesman fruwned
What's that2" he asked
Mikado' librJ To. repeated the
other
Me no speakce ltiliano.' said the
clerk shaking his head Washington
Star.
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1911-04-21

Come iocuud spring ou dancing feet
Nnd tread t> measures night aud
a sarannnd with irIprlues Meet.
minuot and rEaduon
And let 90" lambklns gally prante
Across the meadows willie you sling.
For q. We love tu rest uuf glance
on lamb. when tonnes tho blithrsoms
spring
aud coax the uoddlng violet
To peer amid the waving EtaHs
LIKE some fair sapphire deity s.t.
To HASH lts luHtur rs We pass.
hui uuuN tho tender onion too.
To- grow ull Huprulrnty white.
That W. may eat n. and renew
THE memories M uid delight
Touch with thy wand the battered vine
lnill itH leaves once more unfold
Ana spreading tendrls may cntwino
Tile lattice where they nud hold
Ana also kindly pause awhile
Ana hld the lettuce hurEuun crisp
Twill cause more DontontDd smile
Than nll the numbers one may lisp
o. laugh across the pasture lands
Ana shake ~" apple trees tu bloom.
Aud nlng from both Thy cleaning hands
The treasure ~ their rich perfume.
And furthermore We bcg of thee
To bid the flubhrh gov w high.
That We this cheering sight may sees
A juicy. tempting fhuharb pie.
Come. gentle spring on Joyous feet.
And sweep thy robe from hill to nm.
So that our hearts may then repeat
Thy murmurH with sudden thrill
but while you cast your subtle spell
I Ana buiid for ~ thr-~ ~cndrour SCENES
Remember II will please uH well
To have mess Of early greens
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1911-04-21
Very Strong

u scc.' said Skaters. that our old
friend rilIins had q strong articGl 10
one Of the Boston papers the other
day
Really said Binks, incredulously.
'Id never have believed that Of old
Blk What was it2"
"a recipe for picked onions" said
Skaters llarpcr's Weekly
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1911-04-21

II see a premiere danseuse Ia ad.
yortlsed TO dance with Ave snakes
twlned about her"
should think she would n q
snake got on me I'd bet ia dance
Stray Stories
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1911-04-21
In praIse Of EIoauenee

IN Alabama negro was defended la
court by Senator Morgan Having
cleared the negro uf the charge. the
senator said to him "Rastus. did YOU
really steal the mulc?'
We'll. Marso Morgan, IL was just
like this" said Rastus: \ really
thought did steal dat mule, but az
ter what you said TO the Jury ! was
convinced ! DIDN'T Success Maya
zine.
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1911-04-21
BAD Company.

Nurse Oo Tommy. who has been
using some bad wordsl How dare
you, Tommy Don't YOU let me hear
YOU say that again"
Tommy Wen. Shakespeare says
IT, nurse"
"Thcn you are not to go out play
ing with him any more. Nj A. +.
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1911-04-21
CAN YOU SOLVE IT2

Take any number from seven 10 liteeu 10
elusive, DO not use any number more than
twice, Place number eleven In center square,
one number In each OF the squares 80 that uhsn
they are added together perpcndiculafy or hoil.
zontally the total viii make 70. For The neaitst
correct answer we will give absolutely tree ne
prcmiumain order OF merit You will hc notihrd
by mail, and all the premiums must be called
tor within ten days from closing Of contest u
Is not necessary 20 use this papcf OnlJ ens
person la ~ family eau enter.
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1911-04-21
No skill Required.

"My husband Is particularly liable
to scasickncss, captain" remarked a
lady passenger. Gould you tell him
what to do In case OF an attack"
"Taint necessary. mum" replied
the captain. Hell do Mariners
Advocate.
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1911-04-21
No MANAGER.

What's up, Bill?"
My missus--she amt no bloomin
manager 'ad nothln for supper
last night. and she goes and serves
II up again for breakfast London
Opinion.
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1911-04-21

No Trouble az All.

Have YOU any serious trouble with
your new automobile?'
Not Bit SO far ! haven't hit a
single man without being abb to get
away before he got my number -
Cleveland Leader
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1911-04-21

lie absolutely lacks the business
instinct
Docs hc?"
why. he'd have no more idea OF
business than 10 open garage In
Venice. Chicago RccOld.llcrald.
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1911-04-21

Words are wise mems counters;
they do but reckon by them. but they
are the money Of fools, Thomas
Hobbies
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1911-04-21

Praise not woman for what shs
hath. but for what she hath not. and
thy reward shall be exceeding great.
--Gelott Burgess.
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1911-04-21

DR. Picrcc's Pleasant Pellets cure constl.
patton. Constipation IL the cause Of many
diseases Cure the cause and you cure
the disease Easy TO take.
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1911-04-21

Tho Anus7ptlc powder ~ shake ino your shrca. re-
uovca COINS, nuniuns, ingruwinH Nails, awoirn nd
tNrailnE feet blisteu and Cail0us spots. Rod
eyefywhefu, 2hc, Don accept any suhsiiiuis Ham-
plo fliKE Address Allen /. Olnisted. 10 itoy, MT.
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1911-04-21
Heroic Measures.

And why did your company adopt
the wireless telegraph SYSTEM" asks
the fair passenger Of the captain Of
the vessel
II WAS necessary, miss explains
the Oficer Had We strung wires
across the ocean there would have
been rs many English sparrows on
sea as on land"
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1911-04-21
OF course.

why are hotel bellboys called But.
tons'7"
"Becausc they're always on when
you need en- most"
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1911-04-21

Garfield Tea contains no harmful drugs.
Composed Of Herbs, Il Il an idei lAxative.
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1911-04-21
AttraetIve WAY Of putting n.

Ella What did your aged sutton
say when he proposed to you?
Stelln-Will you be my widow?
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1911-04-21
Sure Enough.

"llaNe you noticed. my friend. how
many fools there are on earth"
Yes, and there's always one more
than you think"
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1911-04-21
WELL POSTED.

Rhodie-say. Joe. dcres one Of dc
best places dat Use got on me route.
Joc-You don't say
Rhodle-Yop. dem people always
buys dere wood sawed and split
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-01-06

garding this situation, from Bailcy's
point OF view. is not the municipal
erection. because tho fewer the num-
per OF voters of Houston who tako
part In the election. tho better for tho
town. but 1t is the graver question of
constitutional prohibition. in which
erection. regarding the question wholly.
OF course. from Bailey's supposed point
OF view. every vote that cnn be cast
against 1t will BIO vote for tne ben
eft OF the State.
People who will not qualify them
serves to vote when they have the
ehance ought to be DISTINGUISHED, and
citizen who will not do his duty as a
citizen should not be counted as cit
lien.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-01-06
DyNCu1NG TUE nooDI.r9.

Adams County, Ohio. had a popula~
ton in 1909 of 26.32S. It contains six
towns or cities. the largest of which is
Manchester with n population of zoos.
That place IS situated on the Chcsa-
pcake and Ohio Railroad; has telegraph.
telephone and express facilities, banks,
manufacturing enterprises and Il news
paper. The county seat Is West Union,
which has a population of 1909. 1t
also Is supplied with all tho equip
mcnts of civilization and Is in the
midst of productive agricultural
country. The population of the county
has Increased 5,57S III thirty years
aud during the same period the vote
Of the county has Increased 2,ol7.
Adams County has recently come into
great prominence by the discovery Of
frauds in the elections which have been
held there. In 1925. 3,04S votes were
cast in this county for Mr.. Bryan, the
Democratic nominee for President, and
3.iS2 for Mr.. Taft. the Republican nom
inee. In tho samo year Mr.. Harmon,
tho Democratic candidate for Governor.
received 5000 votes. and Mr.. Harris.
the Republican candidate, received
S,5o2 votes. How many of these votes
wero bought on tho one side or the
other It is hard to determine. but not
less than 1900 voters In the county
have been indicted by the grand jury
for selling their votes. and 1t is said
that the testimony Will prove that there
ri to-, hn
entire county. According to the state
ments that have been made by men
who have grown up in the county IL
lns always been the habit OF the Ad-
R.s County electors TO sell their votes
to the highest bidder. We are quite
else how was it that Mr.. Taft received
SS4 votes more than Mr.. Bryan In 1905.
and in the same year Mr. Harris re-
ccived 1876 more votes than Mr.. lIar-
mon?
We wish tho grand juries of all the
counties in Ohio would make thor
oueh Investigation, so that tho coun-
try might be appraised as to how much
II would take to buy Ohio at the polls.
Would 1t not be cheaper, however, to
buy tho electoral votes of tho state,
instead OF the people themselves? the
men nominated for Presidential Elec
tors In Ohio are fairly representative
OF the people of that Commonwealth.
ii being well-known fact In politics,
as well rs in physics, that the stream
does not rise above It's source. Instead
Of paying SO for votes, or s5-we do
not know the last quotations--to mon
soattcrcd here and there throughout
the state, the Presidential Electors
will perceive al once that these small
sums, gathered into general fund and
paid to them individually. would really
make the business worth while.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-01-06
SIR WILLIAM GREENE
GOES TO COPENHAGEN

for the enormous size. for the great
antiquity aud Tor the beauty Of the
Very extensive ono. rossessed pri-
vatc racccoursc, which WAS known as
ne Goodwood OF tho West OF England,
Whcre races were regularly held IN
september the round course being a
mile and half. with q straight run
OF SIX hrlongs Cups were run for
every yctr. and the late Sir Nigel
kingscote, had one in his possession
bearing the date OF 1916. The races
were given up In 1879. and have not
ton OF the park is a secluded dell.
where many famous prize fights took
place hundred years ago But thcy
nave, OF course been long since abol-
The late sir Nigel Kingscote died az
paymaster Of King Edwards household,
after having served him a. an coucrry
from the time OF his marriage 20
frinccss Alexandra OF Denmark lie
played very important rolo in Lon
don society. and III quite q large num-
hcr Of cases which IL is unnecessary
TO recall here. was Unanimously SC
rights and wrongs In certain contro-
Nersics In which questions OF honor
Were, Involved. Nor was his Judgment
III these matters ever questioned
inortihcaton aud distress. both 10 SIR
Nigel and 10 the late Lady Emily. was
the extraordinary scandals in which
Mrs toward k!nSscote wife of Sir
Nigel.s younger brother. Colonel How
ara kinsscote. became involved in con
n"ctlnn with financial scrapcs She
was daughter OF that sir Henry
prnmmond Wolf. English ambassa.
cor, ~ turn, At ConstantinopIe and al
Madrid, aud who represented the in
tcrehts of this country in Spain Luriulr
me war OF the letter with the United
states ~ lsas. she achieved some sue.
ccss In literature. under the pen nam.
~ Lu'ta tineNc.i But none OF her
novels, startling and sensational ms
theE We're could compare with the
sensations OF her own cNtraordinnry
,aree: on both sides Of the Atlantis.
Perhhrs the best description thereof
IS thht Which size gave herself. FOR
putltcation IN WHO'S Who" and in
which she described herself as ''edt-
Gated In The school FOR scandal" ana
SPOKE OF her ''chcckcrod and varied
Copyright, 1911, by the Brentwood
CompanyD
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-01-06
THE COMMISSION" IDEA SPREAD

Spokane, Washington. has deter
mined 10 adopt the commission form
Of government Spokane is now a city
OF about one hundred thousand popu-
lation. The people have voted for 1t by
a majority Of about three to two.
Other progressive towns IN the coun-
try. which believe that government Is
largely matter OF business. and no,
IA matter OF ward politics, have deter
mined upon this method of managing
their affairs Tho commission form
Of city government, in our opinion.
would suit the Town Of Richmond ox-
actiy and nothing better could happen
for It than a straight business man
agement--the application OF modern
methods 10 q modern clty's needs.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-01-06
coon pLAS1<s.

Charles r. Hughes. of Clarke county,
has announced his candidacy for the
scnatorship from his district. In let
forth his platform, and though we do
not know Mr.. Hughes and cannot Ell
dorse all of his positions, there are two
plnnks which strike us as especially
timely and commendable They are:
Abolition of the fec system in
all offices. and the placing OF all OIL
GERS on n fiat salary basis.
outlining of a policy for progressive
and continuous Improvement OF the
public roads of the State"
These are two propositions OH which
every candidate for the General As
sembly ought to be made to express
himself in no uncertain words to the
electorate. The people ought to de-
mand an expression on these two
propositions. and we hope that every
candidate Will be as clear and explicit
In hin pronouncement as Mr. Hughes
Many political asrirant will balk II
the fec system question for fear of Of
fcnding the powers that be In the
county and city court houses. but tho
abuse brought about by this system is
SO great that nothing less than an alb
solute and definite stand should be dc :
mandcd of all candidates.
The magnitude OF the reform Which
Will DO effected by good roads is SO
we'll known that 1t is likely tina I
few men will oppose the movement,
and there should be none to do So for
the good roads efforts of tho state and
the various counties have already
wrought tremendous good to Virginia
and laid the foundations for greater
prosperity throughout the Common
wealth
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-01-06
ArLANrA rNpER rno1lInlrIoN.

According 10 a dispatch published In
the Savannah Press, the annual report
of the Police Department of Atlanta
shows that prohibition has not pro
hibltcd IN that town. The number of
crimes and the number OF arrests we
are told. have steadily increased in
Atlanta during the last three years, or
since the adoption Of tile prohibition
law. 1T is true" says the dispatch to
the Savannah paper, that for the
nrst year after The saloons were closed
the number OF arrests for drunkenness
and small misdcmcanors decreased, but
il has been creeping steadily upwards
until at this Christmas time the
amount OF drunkenness and rowdy
carousing on the street seemed as
great ms ever" This fact IS attributed
by the prohibitionists TO the existence
OF what are called "ncar-heer saloons"
which are said to do as much harm
as IL the whislScy were sold directly
across the bar.
Only a week or two ago we were
NSAu ~ VIC VI tll' ilcoN tIDlltHl C!Ll-
zens Of Atlanta that there was no
scarcity OF Intoxicating liquors to be
found there, and that there never had
been any spiritucus drought in the
Gcorgin capital,
we believe that the same condition
exists in other Georgia towns. and In
the opinion OF many sincere advocates
OF temperance the experiment IN State
wide prohibition has failed 50 dismally
in that State that n better plan would
he the settlement OF this question by
communities for themselves rather
than BY the Legislature for the whole
Commonwealth Local self government
in liquor as wcll as in other things. Is
sound Democratic doctrine ana at the
same time good morals
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-01-06

All over the country story was
printed last week about a policeman
who worked overtime. 1t was regard
ed as one o. the miracles OF the CEN
tury. The officer worked in Massa
chusetts town. His watch went wrong.
running one hour slow. Consequently,
he remained on duty one hour TOO long.
When the policeman was found do
ing duty overtime. the headquarters
became alarmed and ordered detectives
out to find what was The matter
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-01-06

The Fire Escape nt tho College.
TO the Editor Of The Times Dispatch:
Slr,-Your editorial about the fire
escape al Richmond College is evident
Is based on incorrect Information. The
records Of the trustees show that they
began on microscopes years ago. On
June II. 1S92--morc than eighteen
years aeo--the committee on grounds
ana buildings reported to the board
t'Firc- escape required by city ordinance
las been erected and paid for" and
the trcasurcr's books show that Joseph
Han & Co were paid that year sl7.
for fire escape.
MIR Seek is most valuable officer,
but don't think lie VIII claim to date
back THAT far.
Please let me thank YOU for your
Kind and generous words in our hour
Of keen distress, but save lis from the
impression on tho public that the col
lcge for long years violated the city
ordinances and Imperfect the lives of
It's students. G. il. RYLAND,
Secretary and Treasurer.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-01-06

dashed to death. but gave an impressive
contribution to aviation when he as
ccnded 11,474 feet and established q
worlds record. N1oisant sailed tho
and his life lost. but he. too. made
records that revealed new possibilities
of aviation.
Some day the science of aviation will
be mastered, and then tho world will
look back on Hoxscy and Moisant as 1t
now docs upon those mon in medicine
and other sciences who have yielded
up their lives that the world might
grow In knowledge and understanding
OF the multifold mysteries of nature.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1911-01-06
TIE MEclrAN,csy1LLE Mrp-no,p

TIE MECHANICSSILLE MUD-ROAD,
several complaints have been made
TO The Times Dispatch about the CON
dition OF the country roads in this
state and particularly the so-callcd
Mechanicsrille Pike which is now
said TO be six inches deep in mud. and
soft enough to bury n wagon TO the
hub. How is that for a Toll Road?'
asks a correspondent, and he adds
The writer has travelled roads in
different parts OF the United States
and In Europe; but this beats 'orn ALL
and a Toll Road, at that People from
Hcnrico County, Hanover County and
King William County that travel the
Mechanicsvilli, Mud Road want a free
road"
What did we tell these people way
last Spring ana Summer, VIXEN the
weather was good and the roads were
firm and there was not bad place
anywhere? We told them that the
winter. with its rains and SHOWS ana
cold, would be along in little while
and that they had better put in some
time fixing the highways for travel
"ii'c INV Weather WAS ialr ana the
crops were laid by instead of putting
IN tho whole winter swearing al the
elements. What the people who travel
the Mcchanicsville Pike really want,
we suppose, is not so much "a free
road as road they can travel after
they have paid toll
Road building in this part OF vir-
ginia. with ali the material AT nand
and with the drainage already supplied
by nature. should be done at mint
mum cost; but It must be done by the
people. it will not do itself, Next
summer. when the Mechanicsville Pike
is not hard road to travel. the people
who are complaining about it now
should plan for its reconstruction be
fore another winter rolls around