davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-12
THE IMBECILITY OF TWENTY-FIVE.

young fellows to be when you begin to
verge on forty.)
Il want to try on one of those green,
cowlicky things-seven and three
eighths." said / to the conceited halter.
First he stared at me. Then his coun-
tenance became creased by a grin-a
deprecatory, derogatory, indulgent grin.
Why" said he, taking advantage of
the long years we've known each other.
you don't want one of those things
'.Oh, I don't, hey?" said I, bridling
instantly. What's the reason I don't?
What makes you think 1 don't?
Why" said the miserable, immature
idiot. chose green hats are only for the
young fellows, you know. They're not
meant for settled men"
Settled men.
That's how a halter person put the
bee on me. Just for that / got me a
green hat. | was the centrifugal center
of a riot all the way home When 1
got home / was the main figure in IL
domestic kidding seance: and the gro
Gerry delivery boy fell heir to the new
green hat after it had been worn just
that once.
Now / am afraid to go into a store
to buy a pair of shoes. / can't get 1t
out of my mind that the shoe clerk will
tell me that what | need for mine is a
pair of those cloth congress CATERS
with elastic sides.
And the grisliness of being at or around
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-12

longed to a class in my life. 1t just hap
Huh? And then I made things worse
with the janitor by accusing him OF
stealing the milk and cream from the
dumb waiter when it was afterward
found that a regular milk thief was
operating around here, and that
"Oh, grand once more. Puffickly grand!
Who put me up to having a little plain
talk with that internal fathead of a
jantor that time, I'd like to know? Who
kept clawing the air and tearing around
generally like somebody demented over
the milk and cream being swiped from
the dumb waiter three or four mornings
running? l suppose it was the cat, hey?
Maybe it was the Teddy bear or the
Billiken I s'pose you never said a word
about it. I reckon you never even men
toned it to me. and / must have found
it out through the exercise of my we'll
known powers of clairvoyance or mahat-
maism or something like that or those.
I merely asked the lunkhead a question
or two as to whether any measures were
being taken to guard against the kind
of thievery you'd been keeping the place
in an uproar about, and when he got on
his ear, of course. / dished out a few,
and
How is that? 1t isn't the janitor alone
that's making things unpleasant, but the
people overhead glare at you every time
you meet them in the elevator because l
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-12

showed that none OF the stable hands or
apprentice jockeys in the red-and-green
sweaters had been holding Mutterino out
for a good thing ever since the opening
of the meeting and sent the works along
on the horse. All Of the bookmakers
had clean sheets on Mutterino. The most
prominent layer on the main line was
not stung for a $4,000 pay-off on Mutt
terno by a shabby looking, red-haired.
freckled-faced mar, with the general APP
pearance OF a beanery waiter, who re-
fused to give his name The owner Of
Mutterino did not bet nickel on the
horse. When qu' STONED as to this. he
said that he hadn't considered Mutterino
worth betting on and that he wouldn't
bet Paraguayan peso on the horse IL
the race was to be run right over again.
The jockey who rode Mutterino did not
say, after the race, that the horse was
crackerjack and the best Splinter he
had ever straddled. Mutterino will not
be trained for the big eastern handle. $.
Neither James r. Keene nor Sam H..
dreth has asked that price be set on
him Mutterino is the best named horse
in America.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-12

Vanderocks did not protest violently
against the action Of the officer and de-
clare that he would carry the matter to
the United States Supreme Court. Nor
did he aver to the bicycle policeman that
ne would be willing to stake his life
that the chauffeur had been driving the
machine at the rate Of only six and a
half miles an hour. On the contrary, Mr..
Vanderocks told the officer that he was
glad the chauffeur had been held UP for
speeding. Mr.. Vanderocks said that he
had been rapping on the window OF the
car. asking the chauffeur to 60 slower,
ever since leaving his home. but that the
chauffeur had disregarded his orders. He
added that he was afraid OF the dunn
whanged machines anyhow, and wouldn
ride in them at all except for the looks
Of the thing. Mr.. Nanderocks, when
brought before the precinct desk, did not
tell the chauffeur that he would see him
through all of this police persecution il
it took every dollar he had in the world.
He told the chauffeur, on the contrary,
that he had a good notion to fire him
then and there, and that he would fire
him the next time he drove his car
through the streets at such an outrageous
speed.
Mr. vanderocks did not have to search
through all OF his pockets in order to
put up cash ball for the chauffeur, dis
covering, at the end of the search, that
he only had 60 cents in his clothes. AS
matter of fact. he produced. from q
pocket which he seemed to know the
location of perfectly well. wallet con-
tanning an extremely large sum Of yell
low paper money, from which he ex-
tracted a misunderstanding bill to de-
post as collateral for the appearance of
the chauffeur in court. Mr.. Vanderocks
did not avail himself Of the chance. dur
ing his involuntary visit at the police
station, to make many Interested in
quiries as to the police routine. nor did
he ask to be shown the lounging quar-
tiers of the officers not on duty. He left
the station Immediately he had finished
his business there. Mr.. Vanderocks did
not attract attention at the station owing
to the carelessness of his dress. nor did
he wear suit of hand-me-down clothes
that might have been bought for nine
dollar note. On the contrary. his cloth
ing was Of the very finest quality and
he looked thoroughly well groomed. He
did not laugh gayIy over the business
and say that 1t was the first time he'd
ever been in q police station. He be-
haved just like a normal. wealthy human
being throughout the entire performance.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-12

in THE Shilling Duchess rescued the
stout low cemody actress of the produc-
ton when she was in imminent danger of
being consumed by the flames, for there
were no flames visible to anybody but the
aforesaid dishwasher who heaved the
bucket of water on the inconsequential
blaze.
1t was found that the k1awnerlanger
Hotel was not harboring as guest an
old-time basso singer who is famous as
hotel-fire hoodoo. having figured in no
less than forty-seven such CONGREGATIONS
since 1873. Miss Tinkie Twinklehoofs.
the celebrated dancer, did not. after
reaching the ground by way of fire
escape, rush back to the nineteenth floor
to get the $4,000 uby-and-emerald
brooch presented to her by the Bhiff-
Rhang of BilIebedad. Miss Twink lehoofs
is not in the city. She was performing
last night at the op'rey haouse in Mus
catine. Iowa. and she is not acquainted
with any Bhif-Bhangs Moreover, the
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-12
Father Tabb on Poe.

THE late Father Tabb was one of the
few literary Americans who really
admired Poe.
Father Tabb at dinner In New York
once said of monument to Poe:
Poe used to be despised. Prof. Wood
berry wrote contemptuous biography OF
him. Emerson dismissed him with a
sneer as the jingle man and that is the
only Emersonian phrase that is immor-
tai William Dean Howells in April
Hopes made fun of him.
Poe is the only American who has
written things really worth while, really
permanent things, and to Poe America
denied a living.
But now, Father Tabb concluded
we put up monument after monument
I'm his honor. Nrfily e mar be said OF
Poe: =
He asked foP@.bread and they gave
him stone
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-12

wave of a length of approximately 800 meters.
The use Of seiective receiving instruments will
then prevent any interference from the stations
of this company.
''Infraction. Of this rule shall promptly BE-
reported at headquarters.
This Is imperative.
THE international emergency call. IS. O.
S." shall under no circumstances be sent out
by station Of this company. II at any time
amateur station in the vicinity Of Boston
uses this call: the fact should be recorded and
this ONCE notified at once. Although the news
paper reports Of the use Of this signal by
amateurs founded more fiction than fact.
any such instances should be. placed on record
and further offenses prevented.
Should an IS. o. s. be sent out from
naval commercial station at sea. operators
chance Of interference IL past. In case an
s. O. s. Is received at a station Of this
company and not received at the naval com
mercial stations. these stations shall be in
formed Of the fact by telephone
Although 1 had never heard Of the
Radiograph Company" Mr.. Roberts con-
tinued. II was rapidly becoming con-
WINGED that it was pretty big thing-as
big as the United Wireless perhaps
when I glanced at one Of the company's
radiogram blanks inclosed with the other
literature. At the top OF the blank,
printed in big letters. was this:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-12
The Napkin.

DROF. CHARLES ZUEBLIN. the So
biologist, said at the end of one of
his suggestive and amusing lectures in
New York:
These so-called society people have
their theory of life all wrong Hence
you can't argue with them: Begin an
argument, and they answer you with the
complacent wrong headedness of the Pen
dleton waiter
"A salesman, after visiting the Pendle-
ton glassworkS. entered a small restau-
rant and ordered steak and potatoes.
Then he looked at the napkin beside his
plate. and to his horror discovered d
number of yellow egg stain on it.
Waiter he said, in a shocked voice,
look at these egg stains on my napkin,'
Beg pardon, SIR the waiter answer
ed. turning the napkin over. 1 folded 1t
the wrong way, sir"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-12

LIVERY now and then Representative
IL Hefiin OF Alabama bursts into song.
The last time this happened was just the
other day when the agricultural appro-
priation bill was under consideration and
members OF Congress from the cotton
states were fighting for material IN
crease in the sum allowed for the ex-
termination Of the boil weevil.
Mr.. Hefiin upreared himself, probably
to register some merely pro forma re-
marks anent the pestiferous little insect.
But as he warmed up to his work the
pent-up springs of poetry and pathos In
his being began to flow and he began to
draw pictures of what the southland
would look like II the boil weevil was as
big as a cow and had. proportionately, Its
present destructive energy.
He wasn't more than halfway through
the time allowed him when Representa-
tive Scott OF Kansas. chairman of the
House committee on agriculture and in
charge of the bill on the floor, hurried
from the chamber.
Where are you going?' asked coll
league.
I'm going away from here until Helm
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-12

that kind to me when l go in and ask
to see neckwear just like that? They Will
not. Emphatically. not They pass me
out stuff for settled man. l am begin
ming to hate that phrase So much that |
dream about it-"settled man.
l am NOT settled. I don't WANT to
be settled. l disclaim and renounce.
now and forever all idea Of EVER being
settled. I WON'T be settled.
l can make myself believe this: but I
can't make other folks believe 1t, APP
parently. without having a row about 1t
all the time; and l resigned from the
Peace Hating Society long time ago.
Another thing: 1t Is strangely disquiet-
ing. when you get up to or around forty,
when young fellers of your acquaintance
of about twenty-five or SO begin to call
you Sir" The young fellers mean all
right. of course. They show the right
spirit, and they do just what you your
self did when you were their age. All
the same, one hates that Sir thing.
There's something grim and uncanny
about It. 1t shows that your chin is
doubling or your hair craving pretty
fast.
There are other phases of the around
forty feeling. For example, YOU find.
somehow or another that you become al
most imperceptibly but surely a trifle
intolerant of the gable gable of quite
young men. You find it hard to listen to
their vacuities. No matter how hard you
strive against this feeling. 1t is bound to
nail you involuntarily. No matter how
utterly fair you may want to be about 1T:
no matter how often you say to yourself.
listening to the vaporings OF the young
ish chaps, that you yourself at their age
was saying just about the same fool
things; you discover. nevertheless, that
you're itching to get away from their
foolish. inconsequent talk: your fellow
ship is not equal to the job Of sharing
genuinely in their boy prattle. Yes, and
sidering the vagaries of quite young
men: vagaries that you yourself eclipsed
for downright pinheadedness, when you
were at their period of life. tbs passing
strange, all of this, but tits grimly true.
There is nothing In this forty thing, be-
lieye me.
The old laugh doesn't come SO readily
when you're nearing forty The lavish
laughter sort of disappears. So. too, do
the old visitations of sentiment. True,
you have left sort Of cautious, snug.
middle-aged sentiment: but it's not of a
compensatory sort. and you KNOW,
while you're experiencing it, that 1t Is not
the genuine article.
And the forty thing makes you care
full, calculating You sidestep chance
taking. You're peering for the ace in the
hole. You look. for your percentage, so
to speak. at every turn.
And what is the good of it,
The twenty-five thing may have been
pinheaded. but it looks pretty good in
retrospect.
Oh, for the carelessness. the reckless
ness, the tumult, the responsibility, the
Joyous imbecility of twenty-five.
CLARENCE L. CULLEN.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-12
/IZ@&
Il .:;:::::::....::.: -: ,..:-:-.1


gets through" replied Mr. Scott. with .
sob. as he wiped the tears from his eyes;
''If listen to that plea much longer ~
find myself voting to increase this weevli
determination appropriation by million
or two"
Which. even If Mr.. Hefiin didn't get the
raise, seems to be pretty good indorse-
ment OF his Evolutionary powers.
COME swell folks uptown got a new
- butler the other day He seemed
bit nervous. but got along all right. so
far as could be told He claimed to have
worked in some of the niftiest establish
ments extant. Also he was colored.
That same afternoon the mistress OF
the establishment went out for drive.
and when she returned she summoned the
butler and inquired il any one had called.
"Yas mahm." the new butler replied
"a couple of ladies and an old gent
drove up In hack. But they didn't stay.
They Just sent the driver In with three
guards and two cigarette papers"
(Think this over. 1t gets better on cog
itation)
IRVING c. NORWOOD.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-12

headed. alert. good blocking young lelloW
one may allude to his cousin as a
young fellow" even if he is clergy
man mavn't he? Thanks. | thought so.
Very well.
When | came upon him he was III
charge of his first flock The flock lived
in a New Jersey town. New Jersey folk
are more Missouri-ish than Missourians.
Which is way of saying that not only
must they be shown, but they must have,
in addition. a peek at the blue prints, all
the exhibits from Aaron to ZZbowsky, see
the works in practical operation, stand
by while the mechanism is torn apart
and then put together again. and then,
after all this. be shown some more.
Ny young relative was getting along
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-12
Analysed by Chemists.

A PROPOS of President Taft and his
~ recent decision about whisky, Richard
LIE Gallienne said at a dinner at the ST.
Regis:
While I was living in Liverpool there
arose a hot whisky discussion. Was pot
still whisky the only wholesome one. or
was patent still whisky the one nom
poisonous drink? Chemical analyses
were applied to every whisky going.
"A Liverpudlian entered public house
near the Albert docks one night and
said:
Is>yer whisky pure
Well. I should think So the publican
answered. It's been paralyzed by three
anarchists =
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-12
The Chinese Coolie Traffic.

From the Philadelphia Ledger.
BY an imperial edict the Chinese gov
eminent approves the plans of its for
eign department, the constitutional bu-
reau, for the abolition Of the traffic in
coolies, compared with which the pconage
system known in other countries Is
benevolent institution. For many years
the missionaries and philanthropic asso-
Citations have made emphatic protest
against the procedure, tacitly sanctioned
by the authorities at the great treaty
ports whereby thousands or coolies arc
permitted to be thrown on the market
body and soul, for export TO all parts
of the globe where great industrial or
engineering undertakings are in progress.
During the French regime at Panama
a thousand of these unfortunate labor
ers from the hills Of Chang were brought
to the isthmus when the surface of the
earth was being currycombed to find
laborers who could withstand the de-
Initiating influences of the tropic cli-
mate Their hill rice, their tea and their
opium were brought with them, but on
their arrival the canal company took
away the drug on the ground of the
immortality Of the opium habit. The Chi
namen soon became homesck and dis
couraged Their ranks were decimated
by the Chagres fever, elephantiasis. ma
laria and yellow fever. Many Of the sur
yivors in sheer desperation strangled
would take large stones in their arms
and wait on the beach for the rising tide
to ingulf them. Finally. when about
thirty Of them were left, they were trans
ported to Jamaica, and in that island
of sunshine and earthquakes they became
roadside beggars for the rest OF their
natural lives.
Thousands of these coolies have been
sent to the labor market of the dia-
mond mines of South Africa, but the
result has been unfortunate. Though
the average Chinaman Of Cape Colony
is eminently peaceable. he is able to
live on such a small amount that native
labor cannot enter into competition with
him, and violent dissension has arisen
from his presence among the Afrikan-
ders 1t would not be quite so bad If
his meager wage went to the laborer
himself, but in many cases It is the
Chinese counterpart of the Italian pa
drone who confscates the pay. To this
intolera able condition the imperial edict
forbidding the traffic in coolie labor will
put an end.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-12

woman and adopt them as his own. The
best he gets when he does that is the
worst Of 1t, and it doesn't make par
ticle of difference If the woman he strives
to take the part Of happens to be his
own wife. She's just naturally bound to
shift things around SOS to make it ap-
pear that
Huh? began the row with the janitor
by going down to his place and shouting
at him because he wouldn't come up and
speak to the people in the next fiat about
their playing the piano after half past
nine o'clock one night?
Great. That is sure great, That, l
may say. is wonderful. magnifque, and
lot more just like that. What caused
me to go down to interview the janitor
that time? Interview him, / say. not
outstanding your crack that l shouted
at him-for / never shouted at another
man or any human being in the whole
course of my life, not once.
What made me go down and interview
the janitor? Why, If I remember cor
rectly, you had some kind of headache
or something, or at least you said you
had, and Of course that meant that I
should make an effort to have the piano
humping next door stopped If there was
any way to stop it, and
What? You had no headache at all,
but / was writing my address, for my class
reunion, and
ooh cer'nIy cer'nly yall'd mil III that
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-12
one Robert A. Morton. president and gen.

one Robert A. Morton, president and gen.
eral manager of the 'Radiograph Com
pany of Harvard University who said
that a number of Harvard undergradu-
ates had formed the company for 'pur-
poses of research and experimentation In
means and methods Of aerial commune
cation and who announced that the re-
suits OF their work with the latest Sc
lective sending and receiving instruments
have been most interesting
THE letterhead of the company was inn
posing and incosed in the envelope were
number of special orders to district
managers and operators, of which the
following is a sample:
Recent complaints have reached this office
concerning the interference of irresponsible
amateurs with naval and commercial dis
patches in the vicinity Of Boston.
1T is the policy of this company to CO.
operate far possible with the naval and
stations. and any unnecessary in
reference with such stations will not be toler-
ated Furthermore. operators in the service OF
this company shall. at every opportunity, use
their influence to prevent interference from
amateur stations The following will be strictly
enforced:
"All stations Of this company OF one -quarter
XIV over shall operate on a sharply tuned
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-12

cont when he was bonlng and actuallN
rad to do it. was classified as dig or
grind or something else equally COM
,limentary But now it seems to be the
accepted thing for collegian to strain
his mental equipment voluntarily every
line lie gets a chance and to consider
/ nothing but fun.
Just the other day l got business
communication dealing with my PROPOSE
lion for the control of the air by seven
headed wireless telegraphy board. from
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-12
vited inside by Mr.. Columbus to look
things over.
Long may the press agent wave.


u REPRESENTATIVE JOHNSON of Ken
IN lucky, grave. digniffed, middle
aged member of the lower house of Con-
gress. declares that old cows are mighty
fine eating.
"You just take an old Jersey cow he
said, land fatten her up In hurry on
roasting ears and pumpkins. and she GER
tainly does taste good-tastes a heap bet
ter than a prime steer that has never
been poor.
Mr.. Johnson is one of the fresh-meat
members of the Moore special food in
quiry comInittee. He was horrified the
other day when District food inspector
testified that some heightened folks in
this town eat meat that. to say the least.
has seen better days. He belongs to the
class of folks who would rather eat beef
right off the hoof, tough, elastic. resistant
to the teeth, than the prime and some
times odoriferous product that was killed
in the Spanish-American war and has
since hung on a mute meat hook down
where the cold storage flows.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-12

ERE followeth,
then, a few little
chroniclings, writ
ten as the de-
spatches mayhap
will appear IN
newspaper type,
without the var
nisal. when the age
of absolute Veracity
arriveth, which We
apprehend will be
in the year A. ID.
1000:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-12

wireless messages to all parts of the
yard and vicinity"
The yard is just the campus.
@ OMETHING terrible happened at the
- national style show at the Arlington
Hotel last Wednesday evening. Some rude
and horrid person, name and sex as yet
undetermined, took a pair Of fingernail
scissors and made a perfectly terrific
cash. almost an inch long, In one Of the
prize-winning gowns on exhibition.
But all was not lost Christopher Column
bus. the genial press agent of the show,
was right on the job and notified the
local papers. Later he remembered to
notify the police. whereupon a large. fat
detective went up to the Arlington and
rooted around among the passementerie
and insertion and guimped and things. but
couldn't find a single clue The fact that
all the foreign tailors couldn't talk any
thing except English also handicapped
him greatly.
After the throng of newspaper men
who had flocked to the scene of the
tragedy had quit talking in Mortified
whispers about the crime they were in