davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Colorado statesman., 1910-04-16
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'Uncle Joe" AS an Agent of Dan Cupid

The Uncle Joe Matrimonial Bu-
real" had most modest beginning.
Out in Stewardson, ILL.,, there lives a
young farmer who has been reading all
sorts of newspaper stories and maga-
zine articles about the higher cost OF
living. He read that lots of young peo-
Pile did not get married because the
cost of living was such that penury
and sorrow stared them in the face.
He was a bachelor and prosperous,
and it occurred to him that somewhere
in the land there must be the mate
that would make his home happier and
brighter, that might be just yearning
to get married, yet scared by all this
talk of poverty and trouble. The
young man wrote to Speaker Cannon.
He wrote modest postal card to say
that he had farm of 120 acres, and
that, like the hotel business. there was
always room for one more" He put
1t up to the speaker to furnish the one
more.
Then Uncle Joe in the goodness of
his heart told a newspaper man about
the young farmer, and the newspaper
man put a piece in the paper and the
food of letters started.
The Colorado statesman., 1910-04-16

StAWNEY" is about to come into his
" own "Owney" was a dog. He
still is, but he is a dead dog. His
mounted remains will be on exhibit at
the Ohio Valley exposition, to be held
at Cincinnati next autumn.
Postmaster General Hitchcock has
also arranged to send postal exhibit
tion to the show The chief clerk of
the department has notified the expo
sition management that he has Sc
lected the leading features of the
museum, which will be forwarded in
ample time for the opening.
But "Owney" will get the place of
prominence. The dogs story makes
for pity. Almost "a years ago the little
Scotch terrier was found curled up
asleep on top of some mail bags in
the postoffice at Albany. He had
taken refuge from the cold. The mail
clerks adopted him. They at length
named him "Owney" because of the
frequent question: who is your
owner?"
One day he followed the mail wagon
to the station and boarded car while
The Colorado statesman., 1910-04-16
Thought Friend Poor, Found Him Rich

He's too proud" said the husband.
II remember that pride of his. It's
almost an affliction."
What are you going to do?"
'T thought I'd send him a check"
DO you suppose" the wife scorn-
fully asked, that he would have a
check cashed, If he is as proud as you
say?"
We'll, I'll send him the money
then"
Next day he went to his bank and
drew out hundred dollars in one bill.
This he put into an envelope and sent
to the address of his friend, writing
street and number correctly. He told
the messenger not to say where the
letter had come from. This answer
came in the mornings mail:
Dear Bill Well, you've decided to
pay that old poker debt after all these
years, have you? Much obliged. I'm
going to have that bill framed ana
hang 1t on the wall when 1 get home"
The recipient of the letter slowly
tore it to bits. His mind went back
to the days of that crazy youth that
his friend referred to. He remem.
bered the hundred now; he was as
tonished that 1t wasn't more.
81 suppose Mary will ask me If I've
heard" he mused Il guess I'll say he
was too proud to answer, but he need
ed the money SO badly he kept it."
The Colorado statesman., 1910-04-16
HAD A PRIVATE MENAGERlE
No other Explanation for coIonePs
Extraordinary Outbreak Seems
Possible.

Hits a wonder to me-" said the
old family servant, dat de OF kunnel
don't go into de circus business. out an
out-he see so many animiles long
bout de Christmas time, an dey does
sich funny tricks! Leastways, dat
what he say. Only yistiddy de preach
er come ter see him, ridin' of his oil
blin' hoss-I mean de boss what blin'
in one eye-an' wen de kunnel spied
him he holler out: Git off dem two
elephants, an tu'n dat tiger aloose,
for he bite de life outen you! An
shoe dem two monkeys off yo' shoul-
der, an don't let dat giraffe poke his
long neck in my winder!' Well, sub,
de preacher wuz cPar kerflummuxed,
he wuz, seein' ez dar warn't nuttin'
t all dar but him an his oil blin' hoss;
but wen he seen de kunnel grab his
OIL war musket an holler dat he'd
shoot dem monkeys off his shoulder,
de preacher say: Lawd hep him!
a1Ade time dat OF blin hoss made git
(ln' back ter whar he come fun wuz
too quick ter be sot down in de racin'
rickords !"-Atlanta Constitution.
The Colorado statesman., 1910-04-16
Ground Hog Rank Faker, Says Moore

established.
Naturally. being director of the bu-
reau, l have to bear the brunt of this
criticism. That is as it should be.
Moreover, | am used to 1t.
But while the abuse is going around,
why not be impartial with it? What
about that great weather prophet-the
ground hog?
What about ground hogs! | ask
you, is he not the greatest faker, the
greatest fourfiusher, the greatest bun
combe artist that ever pretended to
look at a cloud and tell you what was
in it?
What did he do this year? Did he
make good? Not bit of it. He was
as far off as we were about the prob
able weather conditions for March A,
1910.
lie crawled out of his hole on Feb
ruary 2, saw his shadow, got his pic
ture in every paper in the country. and
then beat it back to his lair, leaving
behind him the idea that the remain
der of February and all of March would
be marked by bad weather.
WAS it reliable forecast? l should
say not. We have had the mildest and
most beautiful March in years. Yet
the ground hog gets off without
single roast. And next year people
will be just as eager to believe in his
judgment.
The Colorado statesman., 1910-04-16
Britain's Rulers.

Mr.. Lloyd George is pleasantly
proud of his nationality, but it is anna
zing that he had to go back to Queen
Elizabeth and the Tudors to find his
torical precedence for a Welsh gov
ernment of Great Britain. On the
other hand, England has often been
ruled by Scotsmen. OF the last three
premiers, two-Sir Henry Campbell
Bannerman and Mr.. Balfour-were
Scotch. Mr.. Gladstone sat for a
Scotch constituency, and SO does Mr.
Asquith. ireland has always been
busy supplying us with governing
men. The duke of Wellington, Lord
Roberts, Lord Charles Beresford,
Lord Russell and a dozen others
Immediately occur to one. 1t is
odd to remember that it is cen
turtles since Great Britain had a
purely English sovereign. The Tudors
were Welsh. The Stuarts were Scotch,
William III. was Dutchman and the
Guelphs are of German descent
London Chronicle.
The Colorado statesman., 1910-04-16
Returning to Prose.

Flushed with triumph and 80 de-
grees in the shade, parched and scant
of breath, they stood upon the tower
ing mountain peak, and surveyed the
gorgeous panorama that spread itself
beneath them like a two-inch to the
mile ordnance map of the whole
world.
"Therei" she exclaimed, angrily.
1--WE have climbed all this distance to
admire the beauties of nature, and
we've left the glass at home"
TRANQUILITY smiling, he shifted the
lunch basket to the other arm.
Never mind, DEAR" he replied.
There's nobody about. 1t won't hurt
us just this once to drink out of the
bottle."-Answers.
The Colorado statesman., 1910-04-16

WASHINGTON-on L. White Bus
w bey's desk In the speakers
ante-room of the national house
Of representatives reposes a packet
of letters indorsed Cupid" 1t
Is the filing cabinet of the Uncle Joe
Matrimonial Bureau" established by
accident and not incorporated. Every
day brings additions to the speakers
mail, from men and women, young and
old. from every quarter of the land
seeking surcease from the pangs of
loneliness. Some of them are rich.
they say, and others want to make
themselves happy. Some of the writer's
are quite "choosey," as to the sort OF
helpmeet they want and others will
take almost any old thing that is
willing to trot or even amble in double
harness.
The Colorado statesman., 1910-04-16
Honor for Owney the Postoffice Dog

the mail was being loaded. He was
unobserved till after the train had
started. Then the clerks sent him
back to Albany. After that he made
frequent trips. The employees of the
office tagged him 'Owney. Albany
Postoffice, Albany, N. Y" They re-
quested other mail clerks to affix tags
to him on his trips showing where he
had been. He soon became so extern
sive a. traveller, however, that he
couldn't carry his tags. While he was
once passing through Washington the
postmaster general gave him a set of
harness. From this the tags were
then suspended He travelled from
place to place, always following the
mail. In addition to covering the
United States land Canada, he visited
Europe and Asia. The mikado of
Japan presented him with a silver
medal upon which was engraved the
national coat of arms.
"Owney" met death not in keep
ing with his honored life. At Toledo.
on one of his journeys, he was chained
in the basement of the postoffice. A
photographer attempted to take his
picture. "Owney" barked his objec-
tions. A clerk sought to sooth him
and was bitten. the clerk spread the
report that the dog was mad. and a
policeman shot him.
Now he goes back to Ohio, honored.
but still very dead dog.
The Colorado statesman., 1910-04-16

WILLIS L. MOORE. chief OF the
wv weather bureau, is the victim OF
professional Crouch" He has become
incensed at the ground hog as busi-
ness rival. He believes his competitor
should be let in for share OF crlti-
cism and not all of it thrown at his
head
you never pick up a paper, saio
Prof. Moore, that you don't see
harsh criticism of the weather bureau.
We get roasted if the weather is hot.
We get roasted if the weather Is cold.
And when it rains the abuse heaped
upon us is terrific.
No matter what we do 1t is wrong.
r. we miss the time of the coming
of rain by half an hour we are de-
cIared grossly incompetent. People
make speeches and say the weather
bureau is spending too much money.
Then somebody writes long maga-
zine article about us. They say we
never have been right for two days
an a stretch since the bureau was
The Colorado statesman., 1910-04-16

NAMES can't be mentioned In this
IN story. 1t must stand upon its own
feet. A former Clevelander, now res
ident in Washington. got word that
a Cleveland friend was in town. he
found out the friends address. one
evening he told his wife he would
make a call He took car and got
off at a certain circle. Two streets
lead from this running in the same
direction. He thought he took the
right one. In point of fact he took
the wrong. One is first-class resi-
dence district; the other is made up
of mean buildings. He paused before
the number that had given him as
the address of his friend. He gazed
ND at the dusty, dirty outside in dis
may. Then he went home.
"I hadn't the heart to go any fur-
ther," he told his wife. John must
he playing in awfully hard luck.
"Why didn't you go to see? ms
wife demanded "He may be i'll and
alone"
The Colorado statesman., 1910-04-16
The Don Settled Il.

The multimillionaire was uncertain.
But how do l know you can sup
port my daughter in the manner to
which she has been accustomed" he
demanded, obviously.
The imported nobleman smiled
blandly.
81 will go re test" he volunteered.
"What test?"
'T will lif with you one year and
see how she is accustomed and zen
l will know what to say"
But just then James the footman,
liberated the $4,000 bulldog.
The Colorado statesman., 1910-04-16
His News ON suffraae.

When a female canvasser asked an
old farmer to sign petition in favor
of a woman's movement he eyed the
document for awhile with suspicion.
"No. I'm again it, sure" was the re-
ply, with the emphasis of a man who
had had some domestic infelicity. "a
woman who's allus a-movin' is allus a
gettin' in trouble. If you've got any
thing to keep her quiet I'll sign it,
Ladies Home Journal.
The Colorado statesman., 1910-04-16
The Marine Naturalist.

The Ancient Mariner told of shoot
ing the albatross.
Were you photographed in the act,
and did you save the bullet?" asked
the wedding guests.
Sadly the old tar realized that he
was out of date.
The Colorado statesman., 1910-04-16

There is more Catarrh in this section OF the country
than All other diseases put together and until the last
few years was supposed to be incurabe- For great
many years doctors pronounced IL local disease and
prescribed local remedies. and by constantly falling
TO cure with local treatment pronounced It ncurable
Science proven Catarrh TO be constitutional dis
ease and therefore requires constitutional treatment
Halls Catarrh Cure. manufactured by F. J. Cheney
& Co.. Toledo Ohio, is the only Constitutional cure on
the market 1t is taken internally in doses from 10
drops t teaspoonful. 1t acts directly on the blood
and mucous surfaces OF the system. They oner one
hundred dollars for any case II falls TO cure 5eho
for circulars and testimonials. 49,,
Address: F. ]. CHENEY & CO.. Toledo Ohio.
Sold by Druggists. 75c.
Taia Hall's Family Pills for consultation
The Colorado statesman., 1910-04-16

called in to see me before died. Diff
ferent parts of my body were badly
swollen and was told l had dropsy.
Doan's Kidney Pills saved my life, and
made 1t worth living"
Remember the name-Doan's. For
sale by all dealers. so cents a box.
Foster-Milburn Co., Buffalo, N. Y.
The Colorado statesman., 1910-04-16
Or Else Burn.

Andrew Carnegie, apropos of his
epigram about the disgrace of dying
rich, said at dinner in Washington:
why should any one die rich?
There are no pockets in shroud, and
as for the man who'd like to take
his money with him, why even II he
managed to do so, it would only melt"
The Colorado statesman., 1910-04-16

pains ana urinary Ills
come, and there is
danger of diabetes and
fatal Bright's disease.
Doan's Kidney Pills
cure sick kidneys and
impart strength to
the whole system.
Mrs. M. A. Jenkins,
Quanah, Texas, says:
IL was so badly run
down that the doctors
told me there was no
hope. / was so low
my relatives W err Q
The Colorado statesman., 1910-04-16

1t is always a shock to man to dis
cover that woman knows her own
mind" when he marries her under the
impression that she hasn't any.
The Colorado statesman., 1910-04-16
When Rubbers Become Necessary

And your shoes pinch, shake MTG your
shoes Aliens Foot-Ease. the antiseptic
powder for the feet. Cures tired. aching
feet and takes the sting out of Corns and
Bunions. Always use 1t for Breaking In
New shoes and for dancing parties. Sold
everywhere Csc. Sample mailed FREE.
Address, Allen S. Olmsted, LIE Roy, N. Y.
The Colorado statesman., 1910-04-16

Endurance is a much better test of
character than any single act of hero
noble.-Avebury
The Colorado statesman., 1910-04-16
DELAY is DANGEROUS.

When the kidneys are sick. the
whole body is weakened Aches and
The Colorado statesman., 1910-04-16
Pettit,s Eve saIve for 25c

relieves tired, overworked eyes, stops eye
aches, congested, infamed or sore eyes. All
druggists or Howard Bros, Buffalo, N. Y.
The Colorado statesman., 1910-04-16

DOCTOR YOURSELF
when you feel cold coming by taxing few doses
Of PERM Dapfs PainktIer. 1t better than Quinlne
and safer. The large Soc bottles are the cheapest
The Colorado statesman., 1910-04-16

It is foolish to be up to date on
somebody else's money.
The Colorado statesman., 1910-04-16

Mrs. winslow's Soothing Syrup.
For children teethIng softens the gums, reduces n
mmaton allays pain, cures wind collie. Sc botLe
The Colorado statesman., 1910-04-16

A good many things are important.
IL true.
The Colorado statesman., 1910-04-16
Taste

in your mouth removed while
you wait-that's true. A Cas-
caret taken when the tongue IS
thick coated with the nasty
squeamish feeling in stomach.
brings relief. It's easy, natural
way to help nature help you. 90'
The Colorado statesman., 1910-04-16

cAScARETS-roc box-week's treat
ment. All druggists. Biggest seller
in the world. Million boxes a month
The mirror. (Stillwater, Minn.) 1894-1925, 1910-05-12
To Anita.

Loag are the years since We parted, Anita,
Summer and sunlight are round me once more,
Winter aud darkness beside thee We're sweeter
Than Summer and sunlight on Life's lonely
shore.
Many message to thee has crossed mountain,
River aud ocean and burning hot plain;
MANY q tear from Life's bitter fountain,
Ever rolled toward thee, although in vain.
Faw are the years shall meet thee, Anita,
In the chapel above, on Lilies sunny shore.
Happy and joyful beside thee, Anita,
Worry of Winter aud darkness no more.
F H. Ct.
The mirror. (Stillwater, Minn.) 1894-1925, 1910-05-12
Long Ago.

Here alone, where silence holds it's reign,
NV thoughts go wandering backward Q, er the years.
And in my dreaming can feel again
The sad sweet peace which exchanged Tor tears
But they are gone, those bllssfu' days. Tor ave.
No more for you or | the dawn shall shed
It's kindly, joyous beams along our way;
The flowers that bloomed SO lightly. now are dead.
Hear thou the gentle music from afar,
Where -breathed blossoms in the evening glow
And naught is there OF misery to mar
The beauty Of the scenes of long ago?
ID. M.
The mirror. (Stillwater, Minn.) 1894-1925, 1910-05-12
BOB BLES.

To date his playing average is lar
ahead Of his poetical Preparations.
Roger Bresnahan's Cardinals
captured two games out OF nine.
i"Just wait until we get started
saws the authenticated Rajah OF
the Maumee.
The Phillies started With rush
and captured six straight. Per-
haps this was because they were
playing with the easy m ar s.
First winners, last losers may be.
The Minneapolis Reds have an
nexed some sluggers this year.
Pickering is picking them out in
grand style. Two home runs in
two days-one over the rightheld
fence.
Flyn and Sharpe are having a
pretty contest for the honor OF
guarding first base for the Pirates.
Elyn is the best batter while Sharpe
excels slightly in fielding. May
the best man win.
/ Joe CantiIlion is the victim OF a
severe cold and is so hoarse that
the umpires are unable to catch
the gist of his remarks. Cheer up,
Joe! The clubhouse for yonrs-
later on. A bas les umpires!
The Tigers are resting comfort
ably in first place. Cobb and
Wahoo Sam Crawford are slug
cling the ball for keeps and have
their eyes on that Chalmers auto
mobile prize for the best batter.
After a week in vaudeville at the
American Music Hall, Chicago,
Johnny King has at last joined
the Cabs and the Big Bear IS
much pleased. Kings salary for
the vaudeville stunt just equaled
the amount of his fne-a measly
little seven hundred bones.
4 We have read good deal about
! So-and-So's Jump ball, but the
odds are against anyone being able
to throw such ball. In the first
place no one can throw ball hard
enough to make it jump. ia ball
is thrown by pitcher at an up
ward angle it may seem to jump
when it reaches the batter but it
is only an optical illusion.
!, Muggsy McGraw claims the cred
it for putting Charles Murphy in
to baseball. He says that it was
on the strength of his recommen-
dation that Bush hired Murphy as
press agent for the Giants in 1904.
3 It doesn't seem to us that Charley
S has been properly grateful,
> since he has handed McGraw moth
t ing but lemons in the last few
: pennant races.
Several managers have placed
r the ban on poker and crapshoot-
t ing this year. Before this edict
y was issued someone asked Pitcher
McQuillan to join a poker party
at Southern Pines. But he declin-
ed on the plea that he had never
:, played the game but once in his
life. "Then,' he said. 81 held
four tens and | wanted to know
. where the other ten was
+ Willie Keeier has accepted
J. Manager McGraw's offer and is
d now member of the Giants
Q Willie says he is going to invest
d IN some more Brooklyn real estate
It and thinks he can earn the neces-
: sary cash by playing ball this year.
N AS a finapcier he is success and
le owns aeveral choice bits of proper.
ty in the City of Churches. Ole
/ age has no terrors for him anc
e. that is one Of the reasons why he
d keeps on lining them out i'll the
b. same old brilliant manner.
TO A. FAN.
The mirror. (Stillwater, Minn.) 1894-1925, 1910-05-12

was an anarchist said a Teller.
"Now I know it. He has painted
the stairs of the band room Il rich,
rousing red.
"We have had all kinds OF solos
by different membsrs of the local
band" said neighbor, "but the
other Sunday we enjoyed bass
drum solo for the FIRST time. The
]igsaw philosopher ID o n 9 it all
right.
| Observed one Of the prints"
"Wheneyer certain parties in a
department | wont mention are
hit in the bead with an idea they
come 10 The Mirror job depart
ment to have it printed for fear it
will get away, yessir"
The Man with the Key says he
is considering the proposition OF
raising a pair Of Chauncey Depew-
lets on the sides of his face, but he
is afraid it might disturb the ex-
pounding Of tn Q constitooshun,
And that would be disastrous.
A lady" visitor recently said to
guard: II want to see Sinbad.
I've read SO much about him |
must see him. MADAM" replied
the guard, she is not on exhibit
ton. 1t is against the rules to
point out prisoners" "Hell!' she
hissed-and founced along.
There have been lot Of yellow
birds-canaries-in the sanctum
for some years past, but never be-
fore has their been blackbird in
the printshop until now. Prof.
Webb, an old typesetter, has been
added to the "stoff." He is do.
ing very we'll and is keeping W
with the best Of the printers.
Ii is reported that things viii
be very much on the move at the
New Prison site from now on
Deputy Warden Coles will be il
the thick of things from nov
on. The contractors have engag
, ed to complete the new building
, by August L, 1912. This viii
mean that things will have to slide
along with gimp and ginger.
Nickel Willie and Chief Fari
bault in the printshop eat up tn
lob work like couple Of old stager
, without putting up forty hollers
day about being all run down AM
worn out. Il was brought mp t.
work on work-not to sleep on 1t,
s observed Nickel Willie the othe
3 day. II am after that gray juni
. form so | can write my bestes
every Sunday.
MIR. d. NJ, who is one Of tn
), best amateur poets in captivity, l
on the home stretch for freedom
v and a life on the briny. In abou
d seven months he will be wendin
1 his way outward and onward. II
g saws he has no desire to explor
e the polar wilds, but will endeavo
y TO reach the middle of the grea
/ herring pond and stay far ava
from civilization and bastiles,
$ Said King Menelik the othe
v evening: "Now that Hugo is
i. good fellow, but"-"But what?
>. "Well, here for long time h
W threw in few rounds Of headache
IS with each one of his spells to til
r. public, sub. Now, he is constan
r ly yammering about der dear kal'
t. err I'll bet four cents and put u
" nv carcass for forfeit that it til
n dear Kaiser catches Hugo an
" Uncle John over there he'll 81
,e 'em both to work on battleship-
and they cant either one of o
swim. sub, nosuh. Aud then if tt
o English or the French punch
III hole in the aforesaid battleshlp
Il, |,