The San Francisco call., 1910-06-12

r HATS easy. A man is a heavy
smoker when he habitually
smokes a given number Of cigars
or cigarettes or consumes
package OF pipe tobacco within a given
time That's how you can determine
when q man is a heavy smoker.
Quite so. But what do you under
stand by a given number of cigars
or cigarettes or pipe dreams? That
elusive expression, given number, is
altogether too generic. Light up
please. and invoke the god Of exactness
Then. leaving cigarettes and pipes out
OF the question for the time being,
pucker your brows and cross your
heart and seriously and conscientiously
answer this question: In order to quail
~ as a heavy smoker, how many full
grown cigars must a full grown man
smoke every full grown day?
Your answer will come quick enough,
know but If your answer comedies
with the answer or any other man,
woman or child on this bright earth,
why, you're a wonder. Literally and
metaphorically I'll take off my hat to
you. II you're Of the masculine per-
suaEion shall instanter dub you Solo
mon, and II you belong to the gentler
sex. then hail TO thee, o wiser than
Minerval
bow many cigars a day7 Everybody
IS there with an answer; but alas and
alack and woe the day, no two answers
are alike. Heavy smokers differ from
heavy smokers. even as star differeth
from star IN glory. Smoke up, listen
and attend.
Did you ever find a question, usually
an idle or even a silly question, tickling
your conscientiousness for hours and
days and weeks at timeg A question
you have no need to answer? A question
you don't care to answer A question
that no being. corporeaI or incorporeal,
in the heavens above or the earth be-
meath or the waters under the earth
ever possibly could. would or should
want you to answer? A question that
grips you closely day and night, that
sets your work in a hopeless tangle
and prizes your eyelids open when they
should be closed in sleep? A question
that makes you cut yourself when you
are shaving and erases from the tablet
OF your memory the address of your
best girl2
You. have had such an experience2
Then shake. brother. shake. Even such
a question has been tormenting me for
weeks. The germ was planted by an
unfeeiing Sunday editor and the evil
thing has taken deep roots in my soul
That question is a nightmare. a wrath
Of destiny. fixed idea and a diaboli-
cal possession. It viii not down.
How many cigars must a man smoke
each day in order to be considered a
heavy smoker?
There is the question that has been
moclking me so these many days, there
is the evil thing that has been making
life hideous. / have flung the query
abroad in the busy marts Of the city
and to the silent stars and on the swift
wings OF the western breeze; but echo
answers everywhere. We'll, how
many" I have tried that question on
my friends and have got no satisfac-
ton; ] have sprung it on conductors
and letter carriers and head walters
and have seen no light; I have told my
troubles to policemen and have found
confusion worse confounded.
First OF all, l poured that tantalizing
query into the ear Of the professor of
psychology. The professor Of psychol-
ogy Is a man who has a corner on the
accumulated wisdom OF the ages. He
knows how many ribs Adam had and
hot of the bat can tell you the date
Of the battle OF issues. And the pro-
fessor Of psychology doesn't smoke. He
is not insanely prejudiced against the
practice, but he simply doesn't Indulge
NV Lady Nicotine would tickle his SEN