davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1910-04-01
humorous department.
The Hardest Worked Joke.

What do you consider the most
used joke in Chicag todayo?" asked
tine salesman.
No one answered for time, but at
last some one mentioned Great wealth
er for ducks" as being worth while
for leader.
The barber supply man spoke up:
Got my hair cut today l said To Il
friend Why don't you get them all
cut? he replied. Seems to me that
with all the new hair-cuts in day in
Chicago and all the fool friends of the
hair cutees, this joke would be pretty
well worn. Let's give it the crown.
The man with the hapy face and the
red nose to mention the bartender, who
invariably inquired: Have it wrapped
up?" when you ordered two fingers Of
rye. 1t was received in silence. They
all drank rye and remembered the
noise
The man who says, "Good-by, old
chap; don't take any wooden money"
was next reviled.
Then comes the prize idiot, who
gives you a kick between the shoulders
with his fist, and shouts, See your
back again" grinning vacuously mean
time.
The elevator man, who mad stopped
to listen to the stories between his
tricks on the car had been standing on
one leg and then the other, nervously
biting the stem of his pipe. one of
the crowd noted his excitement.
What's you're" he was asked.
This is where l get even for ten
years injustice" exploded the elevator
chauffeur. Without one single doubt
in the world, am the fall guy for the
dumbest Woodworking man ever stood
for To cap it all, ii is showed at me
hot and cold every day in the month,
and every month in the year.
Every man who gets on an elevator
after some successful deal. or has the
taste of some well-miked drink tick
ling his palate, hands it to me. Stenos.
office boys, clerks, salesman-eVery
one, in fact-ladies it out, and each and
every rum among them thinks it's
brand new
For heavens sake, what is it? Give
ii to US quick.
The elevator man certainly has his
ups and downs" almost yelled the con-
ductor. That's the only joke that
drives elevator men to drink, and if
there is any prize given in this con-
test, win 'em all
There are about 500 elevator men in
Chicago, and know, from ten years
actual experience, that that durn fool
poke, moss and all, is cracked five times
a day in the presence of each and ev-
cry elevator man in Chicago.
That means 1000 times a day, 90
90 times month, and 100000 times
a year! If that amt record for one
poor, measly, moth-eaten joke. I'll eat
it,"
The crowd tried hard to console the
unfortunate man, and kept the waiter
busy doing it.-Chicago Tribune.
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1910-04-01
Practiced no Deception

Practiced no Deception.-'I wish to
deny" said a Cincinnati editor, that
Mr. Taft, when he was lay reporter on
my paper, once practiced deception in
a train crew.
THE story goes that Mr.. Taft had
ben studying a case in Somerville and
found he couldn't get back to the office
that night unless ne managed to stop
the through expires. SO he wired to
headquarters:
"'Will you stop the through express
at Somerville to take on large party?'
THE answer came back. Yes
The express duly stOppen at Somer-
vile, the young law reporter got abroad
with his copy, and the conductor said:
where's that large party l was
to take on?"
I'm him. was the grinning answer.
And that's the story the editor con-
cluded, which l desire to deny in
toto"
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1910-04-01
LandIady and Sausaees.-A goo

LandIady and Sausaees.-A good
story of a specimen of the ordinary
theatrical landlady is told by j. L..
Shine One Saturday evening he and
a fellow actor purchased a pound Of
sausages for their Sundays breakfast.
There were eight to the pound, but
when they arrived at the table there
were only five. ThereupOn the land
lady was called in to account for the
missing links. Madam said Mr..
Shine severely, Il gave you eight sau-
sages last night; here are five only.
What has become of the other three?'
The lady Of the house smiled an inno-
cent smile, mingled with pity, and re-
piled. We'll, you see, sir, sausaSes al
ways do shrink in cooking" Which
information had to Suffice.-DundeC
Advertiser.
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1910-04-01
for Chr 1relaimers.
THE USE OF FLOWERS.

God might have badc the earth bring
forth
Enough for great and small.
The oak tree and the cedar tree,
Without q flower at all.
We might have had enough. enough,
For every want of ours,
For luxury, medicine, and toll.
And yet have had no flowers.
Then wherefore, wherefore were they
made,
All dyed with rainbOw-liSht,
All fashion'd with SupremeSt grace,
Upspringing day and night
Springing in valleys green and low,
And on the mountains high,
And in the silent wilderness
Where no man passes by?
Our outward life requires them not,
Then wherefore had they birth?
To minister delight tn man,
To beautify the earth;
To comfort man,-tO whisper nope,
Whene'er his faith Is dim,
For VINO so careth for the flowers
Will care much more for Him.
Mary Hewitt.
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1910-04-01

Dahlias and Potatoes BY a curious
horticultural irony, the dahlia, which
is the popular idol of all our early au-
tumn flower shows, has a dreadfully
proSaic parentage, says the Dundee Ad-
vertiser 1t has been developed from
the Mexican tubers, introduced about
l2O years ago by the Swedish natural
ist, DR.. Dahl. for the purely CONNER
cial purpose of supplanting or supple
mentng the potato. They did not
catch on" and the dahlia dish soon
disappeared from British dinner tables;
but our gardeners at once perceived the
great potentialitieS of the flower, and
proceeded to produce the double dahlia
and other delightful floral fantasies.
The tubers of the dahlia, too acrid for
our insular taste. are still eaten in
some parts of France.
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1910-04-01
WEBSTER'S REPLY TO HAYNE.

| shall not acknowledge that the
honorable member goes before me in
regard for whatever Of distinguished
talent, OF distinguished character,
South Carolina has produced. claim
part of the honor, partakc in the
pride. of her great names. | claim
them for COuntrymen. ON" and all; the
laurenSrS, the RutledgeS the Pinck
neyS, the SumterS. the MariunS. Amer
leans all, whose fame is no more to b."
hemmed in by state lines. than their
talents and patriotism w"r" capable IF
being CirCumSCrb"d within tn" same
narrow limits. In their day and gen
Grafton, they served and hunured the
country. and tn" whole country: and
their rcnOwn is of tn" treasures of tn"
whole country Him whose hun"rcd
names the gentleman himself bears
does he esteem me less capable Of graf
itudc for his patriotism. or sympathy
for his SufferingS. than if his eyes had
first opened upon the light of MaSSa-
ChuSettS. instead of South Carolina 3"
Sir. does IN" suppose it i'm his power tu
exhibit Il Carolina nam" So bright as
to produC" envy in my bosom"
No. sir. increased qualification and
delight. rather | thank God that. if
am gifted with little of the spirit which
is able to raise mortalS I" tn" skies.
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1910-04-01
SOFT DRINK DEPOT

" f have established a branch Of
w flee Of our company at the store
of Messrs. Herndon e. Gordon, York
vile, in charge of Mr. G. l.. Maudin,
and all orders by mail or through tel
phone No 95, from YOrkville and vi
cinity, for Coca Cola. Cascade Ginger
and Soda Water, will receive prompt
and appreciative attention. ROCK
HILL COCA COLA BOTTLING CO.
2l If IT,
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1910-04-01
AT THE BRATTON FARM.

" E are Offering thoroughbred
w Guernsey Heifers at from $40 up
and we have also a number Of Berk-
shire Gilts with thoroughbred Pigs
that we will sell. Will deliver pure,
clean milk at 10 cents a quart Cream,
butter and fresh eggs on orders.
Pure Berkshire Pigs at from SO to
IS each. Pure Buff Orpington eggs al
81 a setting Of Is.
]. MEEK BURNS, Manager
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1910-04-01

Suspicious.-"Yes. miss" boasted the
chivalrous old colonel. Il was at the
battle of Chickamauga and was shot
right here on top Of the head. No one
can dare say that was up a tire" dur
ing the fighting
"Er-where were you. colonel" ask
ed the young hostess mnoccntly. "d"wn
n well?"
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1910-04-01

Stolen Aunt Hetty WHAT'S the
matter, Eben?
Uncle Eben-Wcll, of all the braZen
things ! ever saw! This city paper
has deliberately copied that patent
medicine ad. about 81 Hopkins being
cured of inilurnzy by using Dopeman's
pills that was i'm last weeks HardScr,b-
Bile Clariun.-Judge.
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1910-04-01

DivuIsins a Secret t.-Maud IS" h"
had the cheek t. ask my age, did he?
Well. what did you tell him"
Ethel told him | didn't know pos
itiveIy. but thought YOU were just
twenty four on your thirtieth birthday.
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1910-04-01
YORKVILLE MONUMENT WORKS
YORKvILlE, S. C.
:: POINTERS ::

Memorial Day will soon be here.
You will want your burial lot put in
good shape.
See us about it now and avoid the
April rush.
Granite curbing costs more, but looks
better and lasts forever.
Perhaps you need a Headstone or
Monument.
We nave them from $500 on up.
A $600000 stock to select from.
Don't buy a pretty picture; come to
us and see what you are getting.
Low grade mari lie is worse than
none at all.
We don't handle II.
We have a business reputation to
protect.
More next week.
YoRkVILLE MONUMENT WORKS.
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1910-04-01
CARROLL BROS.

- The Best Stationery is not too
good for your business. Send your or
ders to The Enquirer office.
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1910-04-01

Just received shipment of Wax
CandIes-white and colored.
Also some Pure Olive Oil.
White Fish and Mackerel
Remember our line Of Corno Horse
Feed, Cow Feed and Chicken Feed.
Best and most economical of all feeds
Give the mother chicken plenty of
Corno. and she will tax" care of the
little chickens.
If YOU want good. Wholesome bread,
send for our flour.
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1910-04-01
Cardinal

Cite wealth and science, trade and art,
Touch with thy fire the cautious mart,
And pour thee through the peoples
heart,
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1910-08-18
STARTING FOR CALIFORNIA WITH
EXPECTATIONS OF BEcoM.
ING POLICEMEN.
have CALIFORNIA KIN
1900 ARE SAID TO HAVE SAILED
FOR OUR SHORES LAST
MONTH.

Calcutta-A remarkable emigration
of Puntabs, Mohammedans and Sikhs.
who are leaving for Hong Kong with
the avowed intention of proceeding to
California is engaging the official at
tention Of William H. Michael. the
American consul general here.
Some OF those who are turning their
faces toward the New World are tax
ing their families with them. but the
greater number belong to the fighting
castes and are under the impression
that they can get on the American po-
lice force. They are confident that
they can at least get posts as watch
men.
The emigrants explain that they
have relatives in California who have
written them saying that they have
found q good land and urging those ad-
dressed to Join them.
Fifteen hundred natives sailed for
the East on five ships last month and
many more are preparing to follow.
Mr.. Michael said Wednesday that
none OF the emigrants had visited the
American consulate and that probably
they would not be permitted to land
in the United States. He expects
Warrington TO make representations
on the subject.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1910-08-18
WAsnINoToN.

Ex-President Roosevelts proposition
to make conservation worldwide
movement by conference OF nations
has failed absolutely.
Official reports from the speed trial
of the new "Dreadnaught" battleship
Delaware are that the ship exceeded
her contract speed on all the tests.
Bituminous coal miners of the mid
die West live under better conditions
than do the men engaged in the same
industry In Pennsylvania, and the Inn
.provement Is attributed to the influ-
Sence Of organized labor. according to
the national immigration commission,
in . report made public Thursday. The
conclusions Of the commissioners is
based upon 10000 specific cases in
Ohio, Indiana and Illinois. The OBJ
servations Of the agent Of the commits
sion lead to the conclusion that about
half of the miners own their homes
The eiGht-hour system prevails.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1910-08-18
FonKIon.

Robert Lorraine. the actor. qualified
~ star aviator by making . splendid
flight across the Irish sea. . distance
Of moro than fifty miles. from Black
pool. England, to Llandudno. ON the
coast Of North Wales.
A force of 400 men under Gen. Lee
Christmas, an American follower OF
Gen. Bonilla In Spanish Honduras, re-
pulsed 200 Of the government troops
under Gen. Diaz Tuesday at Petro
Pentada, seven miles from Ceiba.
A special from Rome to the Petite
Republique says that the hostility Of
the royal family to the marriage OF
the duke of the Abruxzi and Miss
Katherine Elkins has been withdrawn
and that the official announcement Of
their engagement will be made short
ly.
As q means Of relieving the conges-
tion of traffic in Paris. a problem of
constantly increasing difficulty. the
government has decided to electrfy the
belt railroad of that city and the rail-
way service out of st. Lazarre station
The estimated expenditure involved is
$40.000,00
A remarkable emigration of Punjabs.
Mohammedans and Sikhs. who are
leaving for Hong Kong with the
avowed intention OF proceeding to Cali
fornia is engaging the official atten-
tion Of William H. Michael. the Ameri-
can consul general at Calcutta. Fifteen
hundred natives sailed for the east on
five ships last month and many more
are preparing to follow. Mr.. Michael
said that none Of the emigrants had
visited the American consulate and
that probably they would not be per-
mitted to land in the United States. He
expects Washington to make repre-
sentations on the subject.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1910-08-18
POLITICAL.

The Texas Democratic state conven-
tion has adjourned after indorsing
United States Senator Bailey for the
Democratic nomination for President
in 1912. and nominating a full state
ticket.
Socialists Sunday captured the Chi
cago Federation of Labor and forced
through a vote submitting to a refer
endum vote OF all the unions the ques-
ton of lining up with the Socialists
on all political matters or of forming
an Independent Labor political party.
This event means a new alignment all
around. and may also mean the disin-
tegration of the federation.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1910-08-18
RAW ECZEMA ON HANDS

7 had ecssma On my hands for tn
ysars. I had three good doctors but
none Of them did any good. then
used eos box OF Cuticura Ointment
and thrse bottles Of Cuticura Rssolvent
and was completely cured. Ny hands
were raw Al over. inside and out, and
the sossma was spreading all over my
body and limbs. Before I had used one
bottle. together with the Cuticufa
Ointment. my sores were nearly
healed over, and By the time I had
uoed The third bottle. I was entirely
veil 10 any one who has any skin
q blood disease I would honestly Cd
v1ss them to fool with nothing else,
but gst Cutioura and got vsll. Ny
hands have never given me the Least
bit of trouble up to now.
NY danghtsr's hands this summer
became perfectly raw With eczema
me could get nothing that would do
them any good until she tried Cuti-
cara 8hs used Cutcura Rssolvsot
and Cuucufa Ointment and In two
woek3 they were entirely cured.
have ussd Catieura for other msmbsrS
a my family and II always proved suo.
oeesful. NF1. n. Z. TAltn, opesso
Nsny. Va, ool -. 1soe."
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1910-08-18
THE Latest IMPORTANT Dis
PArchEs PUT INTO SHORT,
CRISP PARAoRAPHs.
STORY OF THE week
SHOWING THE PROGRESS OF
EVENTS IN OUR OWN AND
FOREIGN LANos.
WEsrERi,.

In q collision between q Rock Island
and = Union Pacific freight train near
Lenape. Kan. Wednesday. two persons
were killed.
Victor Anderson, miner Of Bisbee.
Ariz.. aged 80. won IS by drinking a
quart Of whisky in eight minutes. Fu-
neral occurred subsequently.
The directors Of the National Elec-
trical show to be given this fall in the
Denver auditorium will make an effort
to induce the Slaves of the Silver Ser
pent to hold a street pageant during
the show week, October 8 to Is.
Secretary James Wilson of the ma
tional department Of agriculture de-
clares that the sugar beet industry in
Colorado 10 not used for its full value;
that the beet pulp is the best butter
producer In the world.
Fifty strikebreakers and striking
coal miners engaged In a fight last
night at Marshall. Colo. and as a result
Fred Delerie. union miner. and Renee
De Moulis are seriously injured. Sew
cral people living near by. including
women and children. were hurt by
rocks thrown by the fighters.
The Denver Chamber Of Commerce
has decided to cooperate with the real
estate exchange in Its efforts to secure
q large bond issue for the improvement
Of the roads Of Colorado. The chamber
has been working for some time on the
Taylor bill. which provides that the
government shall give the state $780,
600 worth OF federal land to be sold for
good roads purposes.
The Idaho Supreme Court has held
the direct primary law enacted by the
last Legislature to be constitutional.
The court held that the provision Of
the lalw for voting for second choice
candidates 10 mandatory. Under this
ruling In the event no candidate re-
ceiving . majority Of votes cast. the
one receiving the greatest number Of
first and second choice votes becomes
the nominee.
A movement was started At Topeka.
Kan. today by railway employees to &C.
cure an increase In the freight rates.
Petitions are being drawn up and these
will be sent out over all the railway
lines In the United States to secure
the signatures Of employees. These are
directed not only to the state Legisla-
lures but to the interstate commerce
commission. The plan is to secure
thousands Of signatures in every state.
The American Railway Employer As
sociation Is behind the movement and
q secret meeting is being held.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1910-08-18
SPORT.
WESTERN LEAGUE.

Rube Waddell has been released to
Newark.
Jack johnson expects to go to Aus
tralia next summer.
Golfers are pouring into Denver to
attend the tenth annual tournament of
the Transmississippi Golf Association.
beginning Monday morning. over
200 entries have been received by Sec
retary Frank l.. Woodward. and over
$50 actual participants are expected.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1910-08-18
COLORADO
LEGISLATIVE
THE HOUSE.
. o I N g s

At IL o'clock Tuesday Speaker Lu-
bers raped for order and Chaplain
Jacob RAIDER invoked divine guidance
in the deliberations Of the body. The
House did not caucus or confer. walt
ing for the Senate to settle the Ques-
ton Of whether 1t would caucus. While
the solons of the upper body toiled dur
ing the afternoon the representatives
deserted the Capitol building IN body
and went to the ball game.
House Bills Introduced.
H. B. 1. Hicks-Providing a system
OF registration Of voters. In connec-
ton with his primary election bill. To
the committee on elections.
II. B. 2. Hicks-For the nomination
Gf candidates and the government Of
political parties in elections. Elec-
tons
II. B. 3, Hicks-For the nomination
OF candidates and the government of
political parties in elections. Elec-
tons.
H. B. 3. Helbig-Prohibiting the Is
suance OF r-ilway passes to public Of
ficers or to persons engaged in poll
tical work. Judiciary.
H. B. 4. Helbig-To amend article
3 of the state constitution. and pro-
v!ding for the initiative and referen-
dunn. Constitutional amendments.
H. B. s. Henahen-Headless ballot.
Elections.
II. B. n. Skinner-Initiative and ref
erendum. This Is the Direct Legisla-
ton leagues measure. Constitutional
amendments.
II. B. Z. Lubers-Initiative and ref
erendum. Constitutional amendments.
Fl. B. 8. Lubers-Railway commits
sion.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1910-08-18
.shorty" WhIteomb Drowned.

Creede.-"shorty" Whitcomb. . fa,
miliar character who came here ~ .
miner in the early days and at one
time possessed . comfortable fortune,
was drowned in the Rio 0rande river
here when he fell from the bridge on
his way to his cabin on the outskirts
Of town. In the last few years Whit
comb. broken In hsalth. had worked
about saloons ~ . porter and was =
hard drinksr. He WAS about 4B ysars
old, and IL said to have relatives In the
East.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1910-08-18
PATENTS Sz;:;@xss:Els:s2 @ -:
The Wcena eere.

An old Irish peasant was one Sun
day sitting In front Of his cottage
pumng away furiously at his pipe.
Match after match he lighted. pull
ing hard at the pipe the while. until
1t last the ground all round his fest
was strewsd with struck matches.
Come In to your dinner. Patsy" at
length called out his wife.
Faith. and OF will In ! minute. Bid
dy." said he. "Aoiks Mulrooney has
been a-tslling me that II OF shmokeA
. bit av ghlass OF cud sss tho shpo&s
on the sun. Oh don't know whether
Aoiks's been a-fooling me or whether
Owe got hold av the wrong kind Of
ghlass.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1910-08-18
New Cars for Auto Traffic.

Denver.-The D. & r. q. has pur.
chased six new cars purposely for the
hauling of automobiles. on account Of
the recent numerous purchases OF ma
line. According to railroad statistics
farmers Of the state will spend $780,
900 for automobiles this year. and of
this amount 100000 will be spent by
the farmers OF the potato and fruit
districts Of the Western slope.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1910-08-18
Oh! NJ !: .''''

q DID you hear it3 How embaf.
raaaang. These stomach noisesmake
you wiah you could sink through
the door. You imagine everyona
hears them. Keep . box OF CAS-
CARETS In your purse O. pocket
and take part Of one after eating.
It will relieve the stomach Of gas. N
CAeCAReT0 NJ . bed ~ Q Wssk's
treatment AudsuGpists. Blg8est ssllae
- ~ Wos16-0nn1oa heoao q moakh,
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1910-08-18
Inspection Board In Wyoming.

Cheyenne.-The United States recla-
nation service board of army engi-
neers. appointed to inspect and report
on the proposed development and com.
pletion of Western reclamation pro-
1ects. has completed an inspection Of
the Pathfinder project along the North
Platte valley in Wyoming. and has left
for the Belle Fourche project in South
Dakota.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1910-08-18
Steal aoo-pound safe.

Cheyenne An army paymaster's
safe. Weighing 300 pounds and said to
contain $500. was stolen from divis-
ION headquarters At the Grow Greek
maneuver camp. near Pole mountain.
IS miles west Of Cheyenne. Wednesday
night The safe was closely guarded
BY = non-commissioned officer and sew
eral privates. who are unable to &C.
count for the disappearance Of the
treasure box.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1910-08-18
Good Road. E.p.rs 70 r.Ik.

Boulder. H. Dodge. government
good roads expert. will address mass
meeting at Boulder August Is. accord.
ing to letter received by Secretary
Eckel Of the Commercial Association.
Dodge was invited to tell the local
good roads enthusiasts how to con-
struct roads of the material available
here. He has been constructing mile
o: model road at Fort Collins this sum-
mer.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1910-08-18
Mine Workers Convention opens.

lndianapolis.-With several western
and eastern delegates already here the
special national convention of the
United Mine Workers of America will
open Friday morning. About 1000
delegates are expected. While the
convention is called to deal with tho
wage question many believe that mat.
tiers more vital to the life OF the or
sanization will be taken up.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1910-08-18
Re.trIe,ed to Elx. Million e.rm..

Chicago.-The State Food Commits
sion demands that ice cream must be
OF not more than one per cent. gela-
tine, gum tragacanth or other harm
less vegetable gum, and contain not
more than 100000 bacteria when
melted.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1910-08-18
A Colorado o.t. Acreage.

Fort Collins.-Oats showing a maxi
mum of 100 bushels to the acre and
averaging for the entire field eighty
bushels to the acre Is the record made
on the farm of B. F. Williams. three
miles southwest OF town.