davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-04-13

A RabeIais Hoax.

Rabelais. being cut Of money. once
trlcked the police into taking him
from Marseiies TO Paris on charge
OF treason. lie made up some pack
ages of brick dust and labeled them
"Poison for the royal family" The
officers took Rabelals 100 miles only ;
be told at the end OF their journey
that 1t was April / and the affair was
hoax or course, as Rabelals was
the privileged wit Of the royal family,
he was forgiven.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-04-13
t. - -ahD'S PLACE.
Dr. Byles Sheusdertd Gun and Kept
Hmssli From Escaping.


Himsslt From Escaping,
One of the most famous of the old
Puritan divines WAS pr Mather Byles.
who was born in Boston in lI06 and
who WAS the first pastor of the Hollis
Street Congregational church. to which
he mipistercd for more than forty
years.
DIR. Byles was famous as Il humorist
and wit, and innumerable anecdotes
are related of his clever quips and re
torts. He was Il Jealous Tory and
warmly advocated the cause of the
mother country" against the colonies.
In November. lit, he was arrested as
a Tory. tried. convicted and sentenced
to be confined on board guard ship
and sent to England with his family
within forty days. The sentence was
afterward committed by the board of
war TO confinement in his own house,
n guard being placed over him with
Instructions not to permit him to leave
his residence for n moment under any
circumstances.
On Thanksgiving morning, observ
ing that the sentinel, who, like many
of the colonial soldiers. was simple
rustic. had disappeared and that DIR.
Byles himself was pacing up and down
before his own door with n musket on
his shoulder. the neighbors crossed the
street to inquire the cause of this sin
gular spectacle
You see said DR.. Byles. Il begged
my guard to let me go out to procure
some cider with which myself and
family might celebrate Thanksgiving
day but he would not permit me to
stir. argued the point with him. and
he has now gone to get the cider for
me ON condition that keep guard over
myself during his absence"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-04-13
Queer leuaI Oaths.

In Siberia. in the Wild Ostayaks law
courts. the natives swear by the newly
severed head OF II bcnr, which Is I'M
plored 10 subsequently rend and de-
your them should they perjure them
selves, while In Assam the opposing
witnesses lay hold OF chicken by It's
feet and retain each one-half MS the
clerk of the court chops II IN two by
undergoing this ceremony they are
considered TO be pledged to a like fate
In the event OF their swearing falsely
Chicago IOurnnl
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-04-13
Altogether Different.

Suitor-I ave come to ask you for
-FOUR daughters hand. Father-Well.
the fact is we are pretty crowded here
as 1t is, and l. Suitor-Oh, intend
to take her away from home II mar
ny her. Father-Oh. well. IN thar
case But you did give me an awful
start, my boy.-Boston Transcript.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-04-13

Don't chide me for carrying re
yolver. This little gun saved my life
once"
How exciting, Tell me about IT,"
II was starving. and | awned it,
Cleveland Leader.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-04-13
But They Can.

Mrs. Muggins-When a girl Is mar
ried she il apt to think her troubles
are over. Mrs. Buggins- Yes: she does
not seem TO realize that things eau go
amiss with Mrs. Philadelphia Rec.
ord
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-04-13
Tho Play.

1t Ii remarkable how virtuous and
generously disposed every one is at a
play. We uniformly applaud what IL
right and condemn what is wrong
when 1t costs us nothing but the senti-
ment.--HaZlitt.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-04-13

Hello, Fifty. Where did you get
that black eyer
"Oh, 1t was only lovers quarrel"
Lovers quarrel. Why. your girl
did not give you that. did she?"
mo; It was her other lover
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-04-13

Thin Haired Man What. shilling
for cutting my hair? That's outra-
geous, Barber But. my dear sir. tho
hairs on your head are so far apart
that had to cut each one by Itself
London Tlt-I5its
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-04-13
Relief.

My patience is taxed very often
well, ! notice you get relief I'm the
usual way"
whats thatT'
swearing 1t off. Baltimore Amer
lean.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-04-13
The Scornful.

What are the sents OF the scorn-
Iul?'
Didn't you ever have friend pass
you perched up In II fine automobleT
Louisville Courier Journal
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-04-13

Fire and sword are but slow en-
gines Of destruction IN comparison
with the babbler- Steele
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-04-13
As Good as Refused.

"And she refused you"
practically. She said she would
marry me as soon as settled down
and went TO work ut something worth
while "-chicago Record Herald
To know what one likes Is the begin
ming Of wisdom and Of old age. Ste
venson.
Evening journal., 1910-03-22
TUESDAY, MARCH 22 1910
THE cANNoN REBuKE.

ATO matter how much dust may be thrown by
In the personal supporters of Speaker Can
non, the plain, hard fact remains that the Speak
cr has met a crushing defeat And 1t was not
so much against Speaker Cannon individually
that the FIGHT was made, as it was against dis
tasteful system which, it is believed, has sur
rounded legislation in Washington. Some peo-
pie often ask what it is all about. One instance
may throw light
Congressman Fish Of New York City is one
of the insurgents. His attitude has been mat
ter of surprise to many persons. His explana-
ton is that he introduced resolution into the
House for an inquiry as regards the parcels post
system. The resolution was referred to COM
mittee There II slept 1t was impossible Tor Mr..
Fish to secure any action favorable or otherwise
on his resolution. and it was impossible for him
TO have the subject brought before the House
Ais Fish therefore revoltcd against such con-
dtion of affairs II is well known, Of course,
that the grant express companies arc opposed to
the parcels post system.
Other Congressman like Mr.. Fowler OF New
Jersey, had personal grievances, but the major
ity of the insurgents represented the sentiments
of their communities.
ANY person who has read about affairs i'll the
West knows of the powerful opposition in that
region TO the ideas which Speaker Cannon has
been supposed to stand for 1t was up to the
insurgents" either to overthrow the Cannon rules
OF 10 face what they believed TO be certain de-
feat at the next election.
Some OF the newspapers that always stand for
the views of Wall Street declare that the uproar
at Washington was all wrong, that there was
no reason for IT, that the fight was about moth
ing and was merely for the sake of contention.
They seemed to be as blind to public sentiment
as the Speaker has been.
Mr.. Taft has wisely refused to comment on
the outcome of the struggle All that he is in
terested in IS the legislative program, and the
Republicans of both factions, if they have the
interest OF the party at heart, will now proceed
with active legislation.
Speaker Cannon made a gallant fight to hold
his own and demonstrated to the fullest extent
those qualities which have made him so great
power in Congress. That his time had come,
that his autocratic power should be ended Is ad-
mitted by the majority of the Republicans
throughout the country and that opinion IS ex-
pressed by most of the Republican newspapers
in the West as we'll as by such Republican jour
mails in the East as the New York Tribune the
New York Press and the Philadelphia Press
incidentally the Democrats have helped TO
spike one of their own guns for the next cam
paign because Cannon and Cannonism will not
be made vital issue.
Evening journal., 1910-03-22
MEAN. FORM OF CHEATING.

a MONG the many things in which Mayor
4 n Caynor is sticking his finger is the depart
ment of Weights and Measures in New York City.
That department, the Mayor thinks, has not
been administered properly. An effort was
made some time ago to punish swindlers who do
not deliver what customers pay for, but accord
ing to the report of the New York State Bureau
dealing with these matters conditions are worse
than ever before There seems to be much
swindling and thieving by means Of short
weights and measures.
The poor in New York as well as elsewhere
are the chief sufferers by such frauds.
1t is difficult to find words strong enough to
condemn swindlers who impose upon the public
by using short weights and measures. The cost
of living is sufficiently high without the cost Of
cheating being added The man who uses short
weights and measures is mean kind of swindler.
He is worse than the footpad or highwayman
who holds you up openly and demands your
money A dealer who will cheat his customers
by such methods would steal in greater amounts
if the opportunity presented itself He would
be bad man to get within striking distance of
a bank
The law against the short-weight and short
measure swindlers in every city should be rgidly
enforced
Evening journal., 1910-03-22
Automobile and AerOpIane.

New York Press.
In an era of aerial sensations it must
be an astonishing achievement that at
tracts attention to that other branch Of
spectacular sport--automobile speed-rec-
ord smashing. The performance of Barney
oldheld in covering a mile in 27.Ss seconds
on the Daytona Beach track falls in that
category.
Those who have become familiar with
both motor car and aeroplane speed COM
petitions seem to agree that a far greater
element OF peril turks in the former sport.
At the Rheims aviation week, for instance
one OF the most spectacular incidents was
when one heavier than-air machine avoid
ed collision with another by passing above
It. II such a situation had occurred be-
tween two racing cars smash-up would
have been inevitable, because there would
have been no time 10 permit either ma
chine turning out for the other.
The undoubted thrill that comes to every
man, woman and child at sight Of an
aeroplane's graceful g.ides may be eN-
p.ained by the newness of these mechanic
cal humping birds. Their appeal to tho
/ Imagination and the sense Of beauty IS a
thing apart from the grim charms OF the
auto flyer. But although the terrible on
ward rush OF the latter fiame-spouting
monster is utterly lacking in artistic
beauty, 1t possesses a very distinctive pc
turesqueness. There is in It besides that
which tears at your heart strings anew
every time you look down the track and
hear the rumble and rattle and roar Of
twelve maddening cylinders liera- ding the
coming OF the blurred gray mass you
vaguely associate with the hoarse yell
from a thousand throats, Gar coming!
n The year to come will see many men
risking their lives 10 equal and surpass
the record set BY Barney Oldheld. But the
emotions Of the crowd ON tho sidelines
viii always remain the same.
Evening journal., 1910-03-22
Editorial
Opinion
A Flaht Aaainst a Man.
New York Evening Sun.


New York Evening Sun.
An army Of allies is usually a POOR fight
ing machine. Yet the insurgents and tho
Democrats have fought stubbornly and
ably in the present grapple at Washing
ton. 1t might be hastily inferred that,
therefore. some farreaching principles in
spired their cause. But an inspection Of
the present debate and its surrounding
conditions Will plainly reveal that the
chief unifying force Of the allies is little
else than a bitter hostility toward the
leadership of Speaker Cannon.
Throughout the tempestuous hours there
has been little talk OF national issues; the
wrath Of the attacking forces has fallen
solely upon the grizzly head of Uncle Joe
"A years young and fighting the fight Of
his life. There has. 60 be sure. been much
talk Of the rules in the past year, ana
the present life and death struggle aross
over an amendment to the rules, enlarg-
ing the steering committee OF the House
and removing the hand Of ths Speaker
! therefrom.
But the essence OF the quarrel is no,
with the rules. 1t is beyond question, we
believe. that n the unwieldy body OF the
House Is to remain a potent factor in the
/ Government 1t must concentrate its au-
thority in one powerful leader. The Reed
rules, howled at by the Democrats when
passed, were seized upon with avidity by
the Democrats as soon as their own ma
iorlty rule was imporilled. And these rules
stand substantially unchanged to-day
They are the foundation upon which
Speaker Cannon has builded his author.
ity. and to them any party in the ma.
jority must ultimately return If II vii
be anything more than a faction OF op
position and disorder.
Some realization OF these principles
seems already 10 be working In the minds
OF the intelligent and able members of tn
insurgent Republicans. It may be gran,
lark TO burn down the Republican struc
ture to roast Uncle Joe. but how abou
responsibility for the anarchy thereafter
The country and the House may well pre-
fer a less dictatorisl Speaker than tn
Evening journal., 1910-03-22

and more unpleasant. At last. he realized
that his place was more greatly desired
than his company. That invisib e and yet
irresistible pressure which has been used
so often to force a man out of high office,
forced Governor Ilirkwood out. He re-
signed. and senatr Teller OF Colorado at
the instance Of Secretary Frelinghuysen,
was named as his successor.
mot many days later Governor Kirk
wood quilted Washington for good; he
had decided meanwhile, 10 retire per-
manenuy from public life. And do you
know that not person called to see him
and say good-bye-not one Of the many
prominent men in the capital who knew
him intimately and had been associated
with him as Governor, as Senator. aud rs
Cabinet officer? And at tho railway sta
ton his only ompanion-the,only person
who had come TO see him safely off on
his journey back home-was his clerk,
Rockwell. This grand old man, with a
great career, Who had been thrice elect
cd governor OF Iowa and twice sent by
that State to the fSenate-the mere Incl
dental mention of whose name had stamp
eded a gubernatorial convention for him
when he WIS not even seeking the nom
ination-was going away unnoticed from
tho capital Of nation no had done SO
much to save, and no felt IT,
''But though deserted by all his political
friends. he still had one tried and true
friend ieft-his old corncob pipe He pulled
it from his pocket. filed and lighted it
and then. while waiting for his train, puff
ed away as he walked up and down thu
railway platform I'm company OF littl'
Rockwell.
"Finally, when the station clock showed
that Il would soon be time for him 4
leave, he turned to his companion.
Rockwell he said. as no held his oil
pine IN his hand. i want TO give you ont
niece of advice, and I would give IL 4
anybody hankering after political office
| It is this: Never accept an appointive of
fee did once, and. by God, ] wiz re
main sorry that ] ever did it to the da,
OF my death. 1 would never do so again
IL wouldn't accept the highest appoint
i've office in tho gift OF the President II h
begged me on his knees to take it. No
Rockwell, '-and the old mans voice grey
soft--there is only one kind OF office {
look for. That is one for which you ar
chosen by the neopIe. The people vii
understand you. They viii know you
worth They VIII rot disown you IL 20
serve them faithfully. Trust the peopl
Rockwell. That Is the sum and substnnc
OF my experience I'm politics.
~ few minutes later Governor Kirl
wood was on his way back 10 tho poop
Evening journal., 1910-03-22
With the Photographers

The President It is reported is opposed 10 the
election Of Senator Dick OF Ohio The Senator It is
also reported will make contest. Lively ohiol-
Hartford Times.
AS you grow older you become better. How
are yu in this respect Some very promising
hirty-flve and then begin TO show weak traits in
herited from worthless ancestors.-Atchison Globe
Congress- however should exercise moderate discre-
ton IN seeing that it does not start many inves
legations theyl will get in each others wayPits
burg Dispatch.
stranger in washington mstook Speaker Cannon
for a minister the other day-Rochester Democrat and
Chronicle.
The stranger must have been hard Of hearing
Chicago Record Herald.
President Taft says that the Republican party is so
badly demorallzed that IL the Democratic party were
organized he'd be scared That is one Of the best in
1ucemenfs Democratic harmony that has ever been
sscr.-Detr0it News.
Autos killed forty-tlree persons in New York last
year and other vehicles scyenty-nne. But when tho
great number trolley cars. trucks, cewagons car
rlagcs and others considered, the disproporton
s. startling.-Now York World.
Evening journal., 1910-03-22
Personal and Pertinent

william Bader butcher in the North Side Market.
Is the most important in the market just and
enved by all his fellow stan owners for Mr.. Bader
the OF them TO have tho honor OF being In
Ved ito orate before the organization, the House
keepers Cooperative Association, and to explain 70 them
why meat is dear while talk is cheap. Mr..
Bader will give his lecture on what Know About
Cutting. Charging and Collecting" before the assoca
ton The wmen would like 20 see the butcher
actually up the meat like bills do their husbands
salaries but they will be forced for this meeting de-
pend charts and pictures made elike possible
and 20 rely the eoquence OF the speaker TO make
St seem like a real hog, beef mutton. The program
committee is contemplating the advisabity Of having
tie meetings held where the women for them
selves how the animal is transformed steaks
roasts, hams picked pork, ribs liver tongue Gro
GERS and chefs will also be asked TO address the
cation.-Pttsburg Dispatch.
Evening journal., 1910-03-22
cARpERs BRUSHED ASIDE.

A LTHOUGH our neighbor the Sunday
1 y Star, has some doubts about the final out
come, it declares emphatcally as follows with
respect TO the $4,000 man hunt
We speaking out as clearly and
openly as the present nature OF our in
formation will permit, but we are not
without hope of being able, before the
next Legislature convenes, to speak out
still more clearly and openly. We may
nos be able to do so, but that will not
be our fault, and neither the Journals
ill-tmed levity nor the Every Evenings
characteristic pettshness shall swerve
us from the course of patient and pains
taking investigation upon which we
have embarked in this matter We are
not TO be baked by the envous and
carping spirit Of our contemporaries,
in whatever form 1t may be expressed
We therefore reply that shall not throw
even peanut SHE'LL in the path of our friend as
he is beating about in the Jungle for evidence,
and we trust Every Evening will not throw even
a potato peeling in the way of the Star. Let the
hunt 90 on although we confess that our neigh
Dor has enveloped the situation in still greater
mystery. We gather that probably two Gold
Democrats visited Wilmington during the cam
paign of thirteen years ago and each man had a
satchel containing money to be used by some one
for the purpose of taking votes from Colonel
BRYAN, or for other political purposes.
The Star says that it knows nothing OF the
$1,000 that Every Evening is talking about
What it does know about is the man who had
the satche with $4,000 Evidently, according 20
the testimony OF two witnesses, both OF whom
we believe to be competent, there were two men,
one with $4,000 and another with $1,000. Or
it is possible that the same man carried two
satches, in each hand.
At any rate we wish our neighbor success
Evening journal., 1910-03-22
Chatty Stories OF the Day

Sir Thomas Upton has a keen sense OF humor. and
tells a good story about a Scotchman who went TO a
horse for the first time I'm his life.
ought say that he told IL "A company OF guests
the Shamrock III. evening when he was la
inenting the long odds against his winning the
Americas Cup because of the hard rules imposed.
'Well,"N said S Thomas. "this Scotchman was a
feeble minded old man. and his companions who took
him 10 the meeting present persuaded him 10
stake a SiNpence in the third a 10 to / shot.
by some amazing miracle this outsider won
when the bookmaker gave old Sandy golden
oreign and his sixpence, the winner believe
his eyes.
"Do you tell me-, he said that set all this
FOR my saxpence?
"You do, said the boohnakcr
MA conscencei muttered Sandy. Tell me- mon, how
long has this thing been going ong9-Tlt- Bits
Evening journal., 1910-03-22

"As you have probably heard" Frank
Hatton. postmaster general under Arthur,
said 10 me one day. Il was to some ex-
tent a political protege OF Iowa's famous
war governor. Samuel Jordan Kirkwood.
Because Of this relation. came TO know
fairly well about his stirring political
career, which began In 1853 when he was
first elected governor Of Iowa. But Of all
tho incidents. both stirring and dramatic.
that could tell you about his political
life there IS none that holds the interest
for me as that which marked the close Of
his public career.
you know, the Governor was a mcm-
Der OF the senate when. as a total surprise
to him, he heard his name read out as
President Garheld's choice for Secretary
Of the Interior. Then, before he could say
yea or nay, his colleagues instantly con
frmed his appointment. and little later.
az tho first cabinet meeting. no was puff
nng away contentedly on his old corncob
pipe.
"When Arthur succeeded TO the Presi-
dency. he permitted the Governor 10 hold
over: he had conceived fondness for the
Aobeeu p.u 'Aioh VIII H"u uVilo sum hPiNA-
did work for the Union all through the
Civil War. But Arthur's personal choice
for Secretary OF State. +. T. Frelinghuy-
sen. had aristocratic nerves. and the Gov
ernor was as blunt and rough-and-ready
as his heart was big-and there was that
strong smelling corncob pipe OF his that
ho persisted in smoking in cabinet meet
| ings.
so. slowly. but none the less surely
Governor Kirkwood found that his posi-
tion in The. cabinet was becoming NOR,
Evening journal., 1910-03-22
PLIGHT OF A NEW YORK MAGISTRATE.

II He cost of living in New York City must
n be very high if the statements of Magis-
trate Cornell, of the YorlSville Court arc TO be
taken without grain of salt. The magistrate is
in sorry plight for he declares that although
his salary is $1,000 year it is scarcely large
enough TO cover the expense of tips
The magistrate declared that he dined at ono
OF the lobster palaces frequently If he gave
the waiter tip of less than 81. he said he was
scowled at. One cannot even look at the head
waiter, the magistrate says, without an expense
of S.
his information was given by the magistrate
while hearing the case Of waiter who was
charged with non-support by his wife. The
wages of the waiter amounted to $40 a month,
but he confessed that the tips ranged from SIs
TO $50 month. It was the statement about the
small amount OF tips that reused the ire of the
judge. AT the restaurant it was freely admitted
that the walters average SIPS month in tips,
but the statement of Judge Cornell regarding
the great sum he spent in tips was considered
an absurdity. The judge must be an "easy mark"
Perhaps he was dreaming.
Evening journal., 1910-03-22

who delighted 10 honor him with the high
est offices within their gift And there, in
his beloved Iowa, twelve years later, he
passed TO his great reward. faithful to the
last to his old corncob pipe"
Copyright. 1910. by Z. J. Edwards.)
Evening journal., 1910-03-22

present ruthless occupant OF that office.
But in the eNultation over the Iron Duke $
downfall, his singular ability and courage
as a leader Of men should not be forgot
ten. Nor should there be any hope Of sue
cess for a House divided against itself
and led by babel Of tongues.