The Birmingham age-herald., 1910-04-27

~ AMUEL L. CLEMENS was among
 the distinguished persons called N> upon to deliver addresses at the banquet given at the Palmer House OH the evening of November 13, 1879, in honor of Gen. U. s. Grant, who had reached Chicago the previous day from his old home at Galena
 The illustrious soldier had just re- turned from his triumphal journey around the world, and there had gathered on the occasion men who knew him at West Point, those who remembered him as a leather salesman, soldiers who had served with him during the Mexican and civil wars, as well as many of the most dis- tinguished statesmen of the country The fifteenth and last regular toast at the banquet was '"rhe Babies; they com fort us in our sorrows; let us not forget them in our festivities" The response was by Mir. Clemens CMark Twain). He said:
 q like that We have not all had the good fortune to be ladies. We have not been generals, or poets, or statesmen, but when the toasts work down to the ba bies, we stand on common ground
 Oaughter)-for we have all been babies. (Laughter) It is a shame that for thousand years the worlds banquets have utterly ignored the baby-Qaughter)-as if he didn't amount to anything. CLaugh- ter)
 "If you will stop and think minute If you will go back fifty or a hundred years to your early manfred life-Qaugh- lter)--and recontempiate your first baby you will remember that he amounted to good dead, and even something over Laughter)
 You soldiers all know that when that little fellow arrived at family headquar- ters you had to hand in your resignation. lHaughter) He took entire command. You became his lackey-his mere body nt-(laughter)-and you had to stand around, too. daughter.) He was not commander who made allowances for itime, distance weather or anything else | (Convulsive screams) You had to exc cute his order whether it was possible or not-(roars)-and there was only one form of machinery in his manual of tac- | tics, and that was the double-qulck | (Shouts)
 "He treated you with every sort of
 insolence and -Qaughter)-and
 the bravest of you didn't dare to say a
 word. (Great laughter.) You could face
 the death storm of Donelson and Vicks-
 burg, and give back blow for blow, but
 when he clawed your whiskers and pulled
 your hair and twisted your nose you had
 to take it. .(Roars)
 "When the thunders of war were sound
 ing in your ears you set your face to-
 ward the batteries, and advanced with a
 steady tread, but when he turned on the
 terrors of his war p-Qaughter)-
 you advanced in the other direction, and
 mighty glad of the chance, too. (Renewed
 laughter) When he called for soothing
 sirup, did you venture to throw out any
 remarks about certain services being un-
 becoming an officer and gentleman? | (Boisterous laughter) No. You got up
 and got it. (Great laughter) When he
 or dered his pap bottle, and it was not
 warm, did you talk back? Gaughter)
 Not you. (Renewed laughter) You went
 to work and warmed it. (Shouts) You
 even descended so far in your meniai
 service as to take suck at that warm,
 insipid f-Qaughter)-just to see if 1t
 was right-three parts water and one of
 milk-(tumultuou laughter)-a touch of
 sugar to modify the colic-Qaughter)-
 and a drop of peppermint to kill those Immortal hiccoughs. (Roars) can taste IAL.A .<,,ee ,,ou I.auRhter.)
 And how many things you learned as you went along! Sentimental young folks still take stock in that old saying that when the baby smiles it is because the angels are whispering to him. Very pretty, but too thin-simply wind on the