davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-12-23
SIMPLY A WASTE OF MONEY
Old Sexton Had His Time Mapped
Out, and There Was No Need
Of Clock.

There had been some talk of
placing clock in the tower of the
village church. But John, the old
sexton, who lived in the little cot
rage opposite the church, declared
himself dead agin it," and expressed
the opinion that it would mean IAN
awful waste o. brass" were the
scheme carried out.
1--WE want no clocks" he said the
other day. We've done without
clocks up to now, an we shall man
age. Why, lynn Z my bed of morn
in / can see the time by the sundial
over the porch
YES" replied one who approved OF
the scheme, that's all right so far
as it goes But the sun doesn't shine
every morning. What do you dc
them"
Why" answered John, supposedly
II knows then as it amt fit weather
to be out O. bed, an Just stops
where I is."-Tit-Bits.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-12-23
z{5&gsnI |! !.
WICkERShAMT TELLS THIS ONE.

Attorney General Wickersham IS a
great story teller He brought the fol-
lowing tale back from the northwest
and told it at the White House:
man there was who was in mortal
fear of his wife, especially when he
INDUCED In spirits to excess and for
got to go home until the early hours
OF the morning. One night he drank
until he became hilarious, and it was
IN the small hours of the morning that
he reached his home. He gained an
entrance without arousing his sleep
ing spouse.
Shoeless he climbed the stairway,
opened the door of the bedroom, en-
tered and closed 1t after him without
being detected. Just as he was about
to get into bed his wife, half aroused
from her slumber, turned and sleepily
said: rs that you, Fido?"
The husband, telling the rest of the
story, replied: For once in my life
had real presence Of mind. l licked
her hand. "-Washington Herald.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-12-23
NOTHING S0RDID ABOUT HIM
Poet Was Looking for Appreciation
OF the Ages Thai Stretched Into
the Fuexre.

The editor looked at the poetry
and then he turned back to the poet
For moment his customary as
surance failed him. The poet was so
thin and seedy and hollow eyed.
! See here, my friend" he said in
Jas gentle voice as he could assume
on short notice, IT don't want to dis
courage you, but while your stuff
here is fairly good-and perhaps =
little better-it is standing rule of
this paper never to buy poetry"
The poet drew himself up with a
sudden snort.
why, suffering Dante" he cried,
you didn't suppose from my appear.
ance that was out for the filthy
simoleons, did you? Why, bless your
Journalistic soul, all I'm working for
Is a plain niche in the Hall OF
Fame!"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-12-23
NEWSPAPERS TAKING 1T UP
Metropolitan DailIes Giving Advice
How to Check Rheumatism and
Kidney Trouble.

This is a simple home recipe now
being made known in all the larger
cities through the newspapers. 1t Is
intended to check the many cases of
Rheumatism and dread kidney trouble
which have made so many cripples,
invalids and weaklings of some Of our
brightest and strongest people.
The druggists everywhere, even in
the smallest communities, have been
notified to supply themselves with the
ingredients, and the sufferer will have
no trouble to obtain them. The pre-
scription Is as follows: Fluid Extract
Dandelion, one-half ounce; Compound
Kargon, one ounce, and Compound
Syrup of Sarsaparilla, three ounces.
Mix by shaking we'll in a bottle. The
dose Is one teaspoonful after each
meal and at bedtime.
Recent experiments in hospital
cases prove this simple mixture eff
fective in Rheumatism. Because of
its positive action upon the ,elimina-
tive tissues Of the kidneys, It compels
these most vital organs to filter from
the blood and system the waste i'm
purities and uric acid which are the
cause Of rheumatism. It cleanses the
kidneys, strengthens them and re.
moves quickly such symptoms as
backache. blood disorders, bladder
weakness, frequent urination, painful
scalding and discolored urine. 1t acts
as gentle, thorough regulator to the
entire kidney structure.
Those who suffer and are accus-
toned to purchase bottle of medi-
cine should not let little incon-
venience interfere with making this
up, or have your druggist do 1t for you.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-12-23
Some One Must Do It.

J. Pierpont Morgan, at one of the
sumptuous dinners that he gave in
cincinnati during the recent church
congress, praised the power of adver-
Using.
Mr.. Morgan's eulogy concluded with
an epigram quite good and quite true
enough to be pasted in every business
mans hat
IF dealer" he said, docs not ad-
vertise his wares, it is ten to one that
the sheriff will do it for him."
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-12-23
Hens Teeth.

Your composition, as a WHOLE"
said the professor of literature, de-
serves great deal of praise, but l
must object to the expression. as
fine as hens teeth it is not merely
uncouth, but also suggestive Of nature
taking; for it is common knowledge
that hens teeth do not exist"
Il don't see why they don't exist"
muttered the composer; don't combs
have teeth, and don't hens have
combs?"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-12-23
END STOMACH TROUBLE NOW
Dyspepsia, Gas, sourness or lndIges-
ton Go Five Minutes After Taking
Little Diapepsin.

II your meals don't fit comfortably,
or you feel bloated after eating, and
you believe 1t is the food which fills
you; If what little you eat lies like
lead on your stomach; If there is diff
f1culty in breathing, quotations Of
sour, undigested food and acid, heart
burn, brash or belching of gas, you
can make up your mind that you need
something to stop food fermentation
and cure Indigestion.
A large case Of Pape's Diapepsin
costs only fifty cents at any drug
store here in town, and will convince
any stomach sufferer five minutes after
taking a single dose that Fermenta-
ton and Sour Stomach is causing the
misery of Indigestion.
No matter If you call your trouble
Catarrh of the Stomach, Dyspepsia,
Nervousness or Gastritis, or by any
other name-always remember that q
certain cure is waiting at your drug
store the moment you decide to begin
Its use.
Pape's Diapepsin will regulate any
out-of-order Stomach within five min
utes, and digest promptly. without any
fuss or discomfort, all Of any kind Of
food you eat.
These large 50-cent cases contain
more than sufficient to thoroughly
cure any chronic case OF Dyspepsia.
Indigestion, Gastritis or any other
Stomach trouble.
Should you at this moment be suf-
fering from Indigestion, Gas, Sour
ness or any stomach disorder. you can
surely get relief within five minutes
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-12-23
A Garden of Friends.

One of the prettiest corners of a
certain girls garden is that In which
every plant has been the gift of some
special friend. The sweet old-fashion-
cd flowers that bloom there have thus
q double significance, and their owner
persuades herself that while they
flourish she may be very sure that
she is not forgotten. A fragrant
clump Of pinks was set in place by
her dearest school friend. and now
that this friend Is living abroad she
likes to think that every breath OF
perfume brings her a kindly thought
of her old chum. A garden OF friend
ship is pretty fancy, and one that
gives lasting pleasure.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-12-23
Geoee= 3A<SR
Judge-And is there no chance for

Judge-And is there no chance for
an agreement?
Foreman of the Jury (rising)-
WAL, If your honor will give me back
the gun that was took from me when
we was locked up, reckon l kin bring
these here II onery critters to time
in less than five minutes, but there
amt no chance for an agreement while
I'm lackin' strong argument.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-12-23
KEEPING RECORD STRAIGHT.

oh, hobble gown.
Peach basket hats.
And high-heeled shoes.
And heaps OF rats.
We write these few
Short lines to you
To keep the record
Straight, we do.
We long to have
You understand
We love the girls
To beat the band,
Not because they
Wear things like you,
But in spite of
That fact. we do.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-12-23

ing the kidneys
with Doan's Kid
ney Pills. They
have cured thous-
ands and will cure
you.
Mrs. Joseph Bry-
son, 217 Perry St.,
G oil Il m b ia, Pa,
says: My feet and
ankles were badly
swollen and my
relatives expected
me to die at any
moment. Doctors
did not understand
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-12-23
His Friends to Blame

"And why are you here. my poor
MANI" asked the visiting parson.
1--WE got me friends t. blame fer it"
answered convict 1923.
why. how is that?" queried the par
son.
de Judge said 1t was de electric
chair fer mine, but me friends got
bizzy an had de sentence chang'd t
Imprisonment fer life" explained the
other.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-12-23

my case and could not help me. I'M
agine my surprise at obtaining almost
instant relief from Doan Kidney Pills.
I continued until permanently cured"
Remember the name-Doan's.
For sale by all dealers. 80 cents a
box. Foster-Milburn Co., Buffalo, N. Y.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-12-23
Where His Interest Law.

Mr. A.. (recently betrothed)-Can
confide III you, young man?
jewelers. Assistant-Why, yes. sir.
Mr.. Any intended is undecided
between a ring and a necklace. For
goodness sake, tell her necklaces are
out of fashion. or else l shall become
bankrupt and you won't get paid
Tit-Bits.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-12-23
A Steady Income.

I'm afraid" said the critical friend,
that you will never be able to make
anything out Of Miss Screecher's
voice."
That's all you know about It," re.
torted the vocal Instructor. why.
I've made over 5000 out Of 1t already
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-12-23
Not a Matter Of Money.

Stern Parent-Im afraid that young
man is mercenary.
The Daughter-Oh. no. he isn't.
papa.
Stern Parent-But he knows I am
worth two millions, doesn't he?
The Daughter-Yes, Of course; but
he says he would love me just as
much If you were only worth mil
lion and a half.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-12-23
His Way of Proposin,

Everyone is saying that we are en-
gagged"
Indeed? suppose you are deny
ing it?"
No, II thought I would leave 1t
to you. and-er-if you don't deny it.
we are"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-12-23
A Matter of Conscience.

my health and digestion are per-
feet, DOCTOR" began the caller in the
Office of the medical man. II haven't
an ache or a pain. The trouble with
We'll. If that is the case, sir" said
the learned physician, Il suggest that
you consult your spiritual adviser
rather than me."-Lippincott's.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-12-23
So Say We All.

We would have all men live in
peace, each man respect his fellow
man: all lying. cheating, grating
cease-and the whole world live on a
better plan. But one lone privilege
we insist: lTis this-the right. should
any dare otr slightest purpose to re-
sist, to annihilate him then and there.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-12-23
Fine Music.

They were enjoying some music
"Phwat was that song called. Den
nis?" she asked.
"Bedad, Mary" replied Dennis, "it's
down on the bill of fare as an aria"
is that SO, Dennis? Faith, and 1t
was foine enough to be called front
or."-Tit-Bits
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-12-23

EXCHANGE of Courtesies,

GNCTIdHHc OF VUUTtSoI0bs
"Mornin', Riggs"
"Mornin'. Griggs."
Il hope you're enjoying good
health"
you don't suppose l could enjoy
poor health, do your"
You could II you were a new doc
tor in strange community. Mornin'."
"Mornin'."
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-12-23
Trouble In the Consultations.

CAMS Major emitted bark
"On hot scent, are you," said Can.
Is Minor.
IF you had to carry flaming star
like Sirius in the end of your nose,"
retorted the other, you'd know what
it is to have hot scent!"
Hereupon Taurus savagely shook his
horns at them, and they subsidized.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-12-23
A TIMELY WARNING.

Backache, headache, dizzy spells
and distressing urinary troubles warn
you of dropsy, diabetes and fatal
Bright's disease. Act In time by cur
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-12-23
Woman's Wav.

That's the girl who is engaged to
Cholly Noodle; she is fat hunting"
"No sooner cinched one fiat than
she Is looking for another. eh?"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-12-23
Some Kicking.

That actress says she will earn
enough money on the stage to put
Manuel back on the throne of Por-
tugal."
Makes a regular football of Man.
uel, doesn't it,"
How so?"
1.-THE revolutionists kicked him of
the throne and she is going to kick
him back on"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-12-23

Mr.. Hicks (reading paper)-Well!
we'll! Another Chinese outrage!
Mrs. Hicks (breathlessly)- Where !?
Mr.. Hicks-Right here, Blamed
Chinese restaurants are going to
charge ten cents more for chop suey
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-12-23

First Cannibal-l don't see why
there should be SO much talk about
that story Of Jonah and the whale.
Second Cannibal-Neither do l.; you
and have swallowed men ourselves.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-12-23
ADAM

Adam never was little boy,
He had no toys to scatter on the floor,
Joy
OF carving his initials on the door.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-12-23

FL regard my cold cure as being better d.as
Life Insurance Policy. '-MUINYON.
A few doses of Munyon's Cold Cure VIII
1t relieves the head, throat and lungs al
most instantly. These little sugar pellets
can be conveniently carried in the vest
pocket for use at any time OF anywhere.
Price Is cents at any druggists.
If you need Medical Advice write ia
Munyon's Doctors. They will carefully
diagnose your case and give you advice
under no obligations.
Address Munyon's Doctors, Munyon's
Laboratory. SD and Jefferson streets, Phil
adelphia, Pa
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-12-23
Not Salary.

She said what Is your salary
Before US two engages?
He said: Twelve plunks a week." She
said
Gee whiz! that's only wages"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-12-23
Not Reasonable.

why is 1t that blondes always have
the preference over brunettes? 1t
isn't fair!"
But can you reasonably expect
brunettes to have fair show?"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-12-23

Patient-Look here, doctor; you
said If took a bottle of your tonic
I would have a remarkable appetite.
Why, I only eat one soda cracker
each week.
Doctor-Well, don't you call that a
remarkable appetite?
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-12-23
You Indoor
People

must give the bowels help.
Your choice must lie between
harsh physic and candy
Cascarets. Harshness makes. the
bowels callous, so you need in
creasing doses. Cascarets do just
as much, but in a gentle way.
est-pocket box 10 cents-at drug stores ISL
Each tablet of the genuine is marked CCC.
The Jeffersonian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1907-1917, 1910-05-19
Oh 9eners
Towards Speech at Athens Hasn't Disposed
of Charges Against Him

piled to the court of ordinary for an
order, directing the administrator to
make me deed. AS any lawyer
knows, and as all others can ascer-
tain, the applicant in such a case has
to go before the ordinary and make
proof that the entire purchase money
has been paid, Or rendered. After
this proof has been made, the ordi-
nary passes an order, authorizing the
administrator to make deed.
The records in the ordinary's Of
flee, McDuffie county, show that I
petitioned the court, November,
1886, setting forth the facts, stating
that full payment was rendered. and
praying for the usual order directing
the administrator to execute a con-
veyance, in accordance with the bond
for title. A copy of this petition was
served on the administrator, and up
on the heirs-at-law. Two of these,
grown men, are still living, both in
this county, and one in Thomson.
Both are noted for their keen inter-
est in their pecuniary affairs; they
applied for their shares about as fast
as the administrator collected the
assets.
Az Tie D0C0mD0T term OF the court
of ordinary for 1886, Judge Thrasher
heard the evidence, and passed the
order.
A few days later, in the same
month, I sold the lot to Mrs. Caesar
Bond. The administrator was pres
ent when the lady paid me for the
land. He was in and out of my office
every day, he being bailiff to the
county court
With part of the money she paid
me, I paid the balance of the pur-
chase money due the H. o. Williams
estate ($319.67) and took a deed
which recited all the facts I decided
the land to Mrs. Bond in December,
and paid the administrator the same
day. He did not make me a deed
until the eighth of January, 1887.
But in the conveyance which he then
made, he recited the fact that I had
paid him the $319.67. The deed
went to record April 10. 1888. Care
less in not taking deed at the time
[ paid for the lot, I was equally so in
leaving it to the administrator to de-
The Jeffersonian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1907-1917, 1910-05-19

If you want Real enjoyment, send
ten cents for a copy of Humorist.
Address Publisher Humorist, st.
Louis, Mo. In ordering your read
ing matter, don't fail to include the
HumOrist.
The Jeffersonian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1907-1917, 1910-05-19
6be Jefferson,am

business with the internal revenue
office? doing this for the sordid rea-
son that my old father-in-law got
$50 per month more, under the ne
gro, than he was receiving under the
classified service?
Lunched with Roosevelt. did I?
Thereby indorsing Booker Washing
ton, did I? How hard is he run for
something to say, and how eager he
is to keep people from fixing their
eyes upon his own treachery, his own
black record. [ wonder if Pussy-foot
Bill thinks we have forgotten how he
went off on that Oriental junketing
trip with Mr.. Taft, and had a world
round excursion at the expense of
the taxpayers. I wonder if he thinks
that our people have lost their
senses; and that enough prejudice
can be stirred up against me to Sc
cure pardon for his own crimes
against his people? To condemn me
for having taken luncheon with
President Roosevelt, upon his per-
sonal and cordial invitation. is to
condemn every other white man who
has done it; and we would have to
begin with as sweet, and as true, and
as noble, and as highly honored a
Georgian as Joel Chandler Harris!
AS to Bryan, it has been repeated
ly stated by me that I knew nothing
of the fact of his having educated
his children along with the negroes
in the mixed schools and colleges of
Nebraska, until late in the campaign
of 1908. I was as ignorant of infor-
nation upon that subject, until that
time, as [ was that Bill Howard, dur
ing all these years, has allowed his
old father-in-laW to be the personal
employee of a negro, under bond to
that negro!
AS soon as it came to my knowl-
edge that a rich man like Bryan, who
was under no necessity to do it, had
allowed his son and daughter to at
tend the University of Nebraska, at
a time when negro young men were
in the university, lost precious lit
tie time in making public my views
about it.
The Jim Smith Campaign.
AS to the Jim Smith campaign,
and the money used on both sides, I
have nothing to conceal. Not a cent
of that fund was dispensed by me.
Hoke Smith sent me word by his To-
cal manager in McDuffie county (and
the messenger was as excellent a
gentleman as we have in this county,
Mr.. Ed. Wilkerson), that we were to
exercise our judgment in the matter
of campaign expenses. Acting upon
that express authority, Mr.. J. F.
Watson, one of my brothers, took
charge of it. There were barbecues
to give, brass bands to pay for, and
the usual accomplishments of hot
fight. After the campaign was over,
Mr. Hardwick arranged the matter
between the Hoke Smith chairman,
and j: F. Watson. Bill is welcome
to an itemized statement, so far as I
am concerned. My skirts are clear,
and there is nothing in it that I can
be bulldoZed about. 1t was quite
proper for the Hoke Smith campaign
committee to reimburse us. If it had
not been SO, the reimbursement
would not have been made. I was
not working for myself.
AS to the Confederate soldier: I
had purchased couple of town lots
from a citizen who died before the
debt matured. AS to a portion of the
property, no written evidence of the
Indebtedness existed. l voluntarily
went to the administrator, told him
how much was due. The amount
Il 4oI 1A4x i