davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-26

The master-at-arms of the cruiser was
sgnaled for, and he came off with a
couple of ships corporals in the steam
cutter and the disappearing Halloran
twin was carried on board the ship OF
war They landed him in the brig in dou-
BILE irons for resisting arrest on the beach.
=
Halloran the innocent. needed some
surgical attention when they got him into
the surgeon HaIoran, the mlkman, pro-
tested that he wasn't Dan. but Pat The
surgeon ridicued the story and told Pat
he ought to be ashamed of himself for
rigging up such a yarn, after his eight
years of decent service. Pat continuing
to protest that he was the victim of a
monumental mistake, the master-at-arms
was sent for. The Jimmy Legs, with
arms looked Pat over and told him to
pipe down for Il sOused sea lawyer or
he'd get a broken bean. Pat irons,
bruises and all, made for the Legs at
that, and three marines guard had to
he called to dsentangle the innocent twin
from the Legs frame. The executive Off
Ger of the ship who had sailed with the
IIalloran twin who had deserted at Mare
Island, entered the brig to take a look at
victim of a twin mistake.
Look a-here, you ship-jumping
scoundrel. said the first huff heatedly
to the equally heated Pat the milkman,
'how do you dare to look me in the eye
and claim that l don't know you after
1 put in three years with you on the
Mediterranean station and year and
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-26

months service in the Senate and his
successor will soon be in Washington to
take his place. But it is matter oil
congratulation that before Col. Gordon
got ready to leave the National Capital
his colleagues. republican and demo-
cratic became better acquainted with
him. He made the happiest sort of a
speech the other day. Roger de Gov
erly speech it might be called. that hap
pened to hit the Senate just right No
body paid much attention to him when
lie started. He was Just an old gentle
MAJ appointed to the Senate by the
Governor of Mississippi to fill out an I'M
expired term: but it was not long before
the sunny optimism and simple philos-
ophy of life caught and held the atten-
ton of everybody in the chamber
Col. Gordon described himself as a
happy man. He wants to see the Mason
and Dixon line erased and sectional feel
ing put aside to die away. He would
have love himself dip a finger in the
wine of patriotism and write in giant
letters across he map of the United
States just the words, Our Country.
The gentleman from Mississippi is not
a muck raker or sensationaliSt. He
does not make speeches of this sort In
order that he may catch the rural vote
He is not after any vote. He is glad to
have been a member of the Senate, tt
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-26

that on the day after man takes or
his evening clothes it's 4 pretty good
thing to send his evening clothes out 10
be pressed SOS they'll be in shape for
him to wear the next time, but I've got
a swell chance to get away with any
thing like that, haven't /?
When are YOU going 10 begin 10 gec
some clothes on. anyhow? Dye know
what time it is? Or maybe you'd oil,
now | have il. You're purposely delay
ing so that at the last minute YOU think
I'll conclude that the only way We can
reach the show in time Will be To tele-
phone for taxicab. Well. if that your
idea, be good enough to forget it right
quick. Be good enough to-Say, where's
my white ties? Huh? No. they're nor
in this drawer If they We're in this
drawer dye think I'd stand here and
Oh, they're under all the rest Of the rirt
of ties in this drawer. hey? Sure. cce.
tainly. Everything that | want t. pat
my hands on when I'm getting ready -
20 anywhere is Intentionally hidden uiidor
something. It's a wonder You didn't PIT
these ties under the dresser itself. Its 4
wonder you didn't
We'll. are you ready? Huh? | said.
Are you ready? Come on, then. Never
mind dabbing at your hat. Never mind
putting on your gloves. You can put
EN- on in the street Put EN- on anr
old place. Just come on, that's all. Her.
started TO get ready myself. dressins
you, and still you're not ready Now.
look a-he-e, are you going to come on 81
aren't you?'
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-26

no reply. The need for such an organized
and specially trained body of rummerino
handlers is too obvious to be in need of d
word of promoting argument.
"Ysee. the point is this: This town.
as we'll as all other stable towns-but
particularly this towns stuffed and
c!uttered with otherwise quite fairish
folks who nevertheless are occasional
sudsers. They will take a wallop at
the old thing every once in while.
They DON'T want to do it, but they do
il all the same. They've got the res
crvation-jumping habit.
VARY we'll What happens to EN-?
Why. everything happens. Everything
mean and measly and ornery and be-
din@ed happens. In the first place.
they don't have any fun. because, be-
ing unguided and therefore unrestrain-
ed their lamp goes out long before the
game gets good.
Moreover. it's not only matter of
their not having any fun. That's the
smallest part OF the problem. It's the
other things that happen to the periodi-
cal pickle that suggest his imperative
need for duly appointed, accredited
and recognized official chaperon.
of course you know what | mean;
The occasional sudser, batting around
by his lonesome in this mans town
gets trimmed. frisked. rolled and shred
ded To "a fare-you-wel Nor is the
frisking altogether that makes the
whizz of a periodical souse "A trouble
punching affair for him. Unaccompa-
MED. or even accompanied by friends
engaged in whizzinz with him, he is
bound to get into futile and generally
acrimonious arguments with total
strangers. Often he gets punched
often. too lie gets pinched. He rattles
around like mustang dice in a tin
cup, and everywhere he goes he's in his
own way and everybody else's-that IS
after everybody else has taken a dip-in
at his roll
I'm brief, he becomes a dry-land cast
away and nobody pays the slightest
attention to his G. @. DIS except to
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-26

your face does look little drawn, but /
am sure nobody would ever imagine that
-. Twenty-Five pounds, And in two
months! Well. my darling, | hope you
are not using any of those terrible drugs
that folks use for reducing their flesh be-
cause
Not? You are merely exercising sys-
tematically and living up TO a strict diet
Well, hope SO, my dear: ! really do.
You know little Mrs. Heapeats, that
dear little pudge who used to have that
attractive little apartment all stuffed and
Uttered up with JapaneSey things, in Mt.
Pleasant? You remember what sight
she used to be, with her waist big
around as her shoulders and her fat
rosy cheeks. all puffed out Ike pair of
toy balloons. and her funny little kimonos
flying and Tapping around her she
waddled and wheezed about her apart
mento
Well, my dear, | heard the other day
that the poor dumpy little creature-she's
not ddmpy now, Thoughts in d sani-
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-26

made for yourself the last time. when.
suddenly you remember this chaperons
outfit that I'm now talking about.
''WhSh, No sooner remembered than
acted upon, You grab the phone, get
the institutes manager on the wire
and tell him to send you at once one
OF his neatest, discreetest, most highly
recommended operatives. You name
the address at which you desire the
chaperon to meet you, and he hops
forthwith into a taxi and joins you
'WeIl. by the time the chaperon joins
you you've tossed in about four AM
you're feeling close to ay-bout right You
find the chaperon to be burned fine,
outstanding, agreeable, level-headed young
Teller. and you purchase him one or two
He accepts the invitation, and then he
begins gently to dream information from
YOU whether you're married or single
how long you last on your whizZes. what
your usual route is. whether you're
rough-house rummy or one of the poetic
wooZeful kind. whether you like the
theater or would rather take in the box
ing bouts. how long you'll be able 10 Tag
your business or profession without get
ting into trouble. and so on.
Then. mayhap, you buy the c!laperon
one or two more, and he stands for your
hitting up a few more because he per-
ceives that you're still there with your
conk: but when you begin to order 'em
all in a row, with three or four of EN-
popping at one and the same time. the
cha peron as is his business, gently but
firmly stakes you to the nix-nix.
He hands you a little word Of advice
or two, and he knows by experience how
to make his whispers effective. You be-
gin to catch on to the sense Of his adj
jurations rs to tossing 'em in too rapidly
and consecutively at that place: and pres
entity off you start for the next plant on
the line.
We'll, by this time you've got the fine
and comforting satisfaction of being
aware that you're in kee-rect hands; that
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-26

martial ON the charge of desertion from
the regular army of the United States.
The cook was the victim of the sardonic
humor OF a sure-enough regular army sol
dier with whom he had foreSathered for
a drunk. and who had forcibly exchanged
clothes with him in order TO desert. The
cook had been caught with the uniform
and incontinently hustled to Governors
Island. He fingered dolefully in the Gov
errors Island prison for nearly TWO
weeks before copy of the deserving sol
dier's Bertillon chart was received The
chart. OF course, didn't agree with the
measurements, moles and marks on the
cooks frame. and he was turned loose.
Mistakes Of this sort We're common
enough i'll both the land and sea services
before the adoption of the Bertilion sys-
tenn 10y the United States Army and
Navy. The miX-upS were particularly
frequent in the army when regiments of
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-26

dark hollows under the eyes are not so
bad. Sometimes they look quite inter-
esting. But when a wonan's eyes got
pouchy and yelloNish underneath, why
there's nothing on earth in the way ~
makeup that can take away that tell
tale and hideous effect. and
''Oh, must You go. dearest? And yoii
really won't stay and have a bite -
lunch? Oh, | forget about your dieting
Well. darling. lie good to yourself and trg
not become too emaciated-ha. ha,-for-
well, goodbye. dear girl. Come again
real soon.
(After visitors departurel:
Now. | wonder what that woman
really doing to reduce herself. because
never saw her look well. and Id lihH
TO take off ten o. fifteen pounds myself
if | could do il and look as Well II"
does; but / wouldn't ask the creature moss
she is doing it for anything in this niie
world, the vain, swell-uppy, puffy-puhy
thing
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-26

week SO, the guard attempted to prod
the teamster out Of his cell To the front
of the guardhouSe, there to step into line
with the other garrison prisoners bound
for garrison work under the eyes of SEN
tries
But that scheme had To be abandoned
The sick list among the proGding men on
guard became altogether too heavy for
the surgeons liberation; for Bill was al
ways on the job.
He would tackle the whole guard every
morning they tried to start him to work
with chairs. benches. stanchions pulled
from beneath the Suardhouse Veranda,
the guardhouSe stove used as battering
ram, doors wrenched from their hinges
if they'd been Noah's ark doorS-any
old thing that first came TO the huge
mitts of the unjustly confined teamSter.
At length the mans pals in civil life
the ones who had put up the funny
Joliet up on him and sent word to the
commanding officer OF the Preside of the
frame-up they had arranged with their
friend the victim. When he received this
word the commanding officer strolled
down to the clink to take a peek at the
man who had put about one-half the
members of every days guard for week
in the surgeons hands.
Look here, my man said the old
man" to the teamster, after telling him
that he was at liberty to resume his ac-
tivities in civil life. I'D like to have YOU
In my command. You better take on
with us. 1t beats trucking. Get a uni
form on you and I'll see to it personally
that you get a right deal"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-26

tarium somewhere in Maryland Now.
you know what SanitariumS are. OF
course. the woman who told me about it
said that the place is not lunatic asy-
lum. hut sure-enough sanitarium, hut
whenever you hear about sanitariums.
don't YOU begin to think about crazy
people? OF course. YOU do. And the last
time | saw little Mrs. HeapeatS she was
acting queerly. She was taking some
horrible drug to reduce her dumpiness
then, although. of course. she denied it
they all do-and swore that the only
thing she was doing was cutting down
on her food and taking long walks every
day, rain or shine.
Il heard that before she was sent TO
the sanitarium by her husband she had
reduced herself almost to nothing with
the aid Of whatever hideous drug 1t was
she was using. But the trouble was, so
| heard, that once she began to lose flesh
she couldn't stop, and she Just dwindled
and dwindled away until there was moth
ing but q shadow left of her.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-26

one or two tucks in that dawdling habit
of yours.
Just enereize a little. that's all. Get
kind Of move on. This thing of get
ting TO the theater when the curtains
up on the second act and sprawling all
over folks thatve settled themselves 70
watch what's going on on the stage may
be all right from your angle of vision.
but il doesn't make a cents worth of
hit with me. | don't dig up hard coin
for theater seats for that purpose
There's no reason why it should take
you four hours and half to get ready
10 go IL the theater, YOU know That
sort OF thing may be all right for-er-
well for young women. women thatve
still got their marke; to make and all
that sort % business. But there's no
special reason that / know of why you
should spend all of these hours prmping
ami preening and all that rot.
You've made Your catch. y'know, such
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-26

you're being taken care OF and watched
out for: and that there isn't a chance
in seventeen thousand for YOU to get into
any of the old-time brands of trouble or
bother.
For example. YOU exhibit a great and
petulant determination TO indulge in
'openin wine for a party OF four eX-
ceedingly low-browed chauffeurs in squir-
rel overcoats who are lined up at your
end OF the bar. 1t occurs TO you, though
you've never clapped eye on any OF these
joy-riders before. that IL is only right
and proper, that, in fact. it is your
bounden duty as an appreciate man OF
sensibilities and things, that you should
indulge in the 'openin' wine thing for
them, even If that same would involve
an aggregate expense to you. say, of
eight metallic bucks.
"Uh-huh. Well, the chaperon is on
the job. He flags that little incense
quential idea OF your something immejit.
We'll, perhaps, after that tagging. you
conceive the idea that you must and shall
see the opera 'Elektra' at once. You in
sist upon backing up into a corner and
declaring with the profoundest solemnity
that it has been the rosy dream Of your
life for weeks and weeks to see the opera
Elektra.
We'll, your souse chaperon knows en-
tirely we'll that 'Eiektra' would bore you
to extinction: he knows that if you went
to 'Elektra' you would in all human prob
ability go to sleep in your seat and snore.
and thereby scandalize q lot of folks and
probably get the 'raus nit i'm.
so he rings in the large nix on the
'Elektra' proposition. too He puts the
matter to you tactfully. He knows OF a
heap better show than 'Elektra. where
you can smoke in all parts of the house
and where the management doesn't care
a whoop if you become leetle too glee-
full In your approval of the performers,
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-26

Take, for instance, that huge, lumber
ing, clumsy-walking Mrs Husky that
used TO live in one of these apartments
Not that she used drugs to reduce, my
dear. hut she became perfectly insane on
the subject of exercising and dieting. and
she used to get up at all silly hours of
mornings to walk around the streets like
somebody demented. Well, she was a
big-framed, heavy-boned woman who
was simply designed by heaven to be
waddling fatty when she reached a GER
tain age-and she had reached that GER
tain age, never fear. But could she be
convinced that she was really meant 10
he fat? Never. You should have seen
that poor. absurd creature after she'd
been marathoning around for couple
of MONTHS and starving herself to the
verge Of the grave. She became all bone
and ear lage. my dear. and walked
around Licking like a clothes rack. She
sort of collapsed and sank in every
where, SO that she resembled lot of
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-26

huskiness of body. for the main feature
of his job would be his ability to cope
with his temporary employer in little mo-
ments of excitation and so on-as for eX-
ample when the SouSe demands that he
shall have five or six hagons stacked up
in front of him all the time. or when he
wants TO give a taxiCab man 81 more than
his rIghtful fare just bccaush he sh good
fellersh.
The chaperon must possess the physI-
cal ability to wrap his sinewy arms
around the pickle at such junctures IN
order to show the latter thar he's sub
iect to proper discipline and that certain
things that go when he's unaccompanied
by chaperon don't go at all when he
is provided with chaperon.
In addition the chaperon must pos
sess the capacity to indulge in quite an
exorbitant quantity of nose paint with
out ever showing a sign of ii. In other
words, he must know how to handle
the stuff. which is just the thing his
temporary employer doesn't know,
otherwise he wouldn't need IL chaperon.
perhaps the best way for me to IL
lustrate how this souse chaperon thing
would work out in actual practice
would he to portray a sample expert
ence.
"AIl right. On some gray-sray after
noon-maybe after you've had a scrap
before leaving home-when the world
looks like blurred, out-of-focus pho
tograph that's been rained on, and
nothing whatever seems right, and
you're not getting any fun out o life
or nuthin'. and you've been jogging
along on the jolly water cart for three
or four months. anyhow-why. on such
a dismal dun-hued afternoon you sud-
denly make up your mind that wEa:
your liver requires is action and that
what your spirit bankers for is Lovely
SightSh N ShoundSh n ShingS.
Well you fan this over for fully a
minute or two, wondering whether you
better had or not. and recalling the
divvle's own bushel of bother you
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-26

wonder that you wouldn't have sent
these shoes out to be polished, that 5
all I've got To say. OF course / know
that it's an outrage and a crime for a
man TO expect his wife to do anything
SO mental and degrading as to ask the
elevator boy to take a pair of shoes
down to the shoe-poliShinS stand, bur
still a man that has to slave and grind
all day ought to have a few little al
lowances made for him. just by way
Of
Now. look ahere, is that as far
put on your shoes? What time dye
suppose this show begins, anyhow
Midnight? You might just as we'll UNI
derstand here and now, because / say
il fatty, that if We don't reach the
theater tonight in time to see the begin
ming Of the first act, why, the present
occasional be about all of the show at
tending this famiiy'll indulge in for the
remainder of the season Of 1910. I've
made an earnest and laborious effort to
get you keyed up to the notion that the
only way to see play Understandings
is to see it from the beginning, and, if
I've fallen down in that attempt,
why
Huh, Look at these trousers. They
look as If they hadn't been pressed
since the battle of New Orleans. What
have you been doing to EN-. anyhow?
Using them for a bath mat or Il dust
rag? Id be nice-looking country
man, going out in a pair of trousers
like these, wouldn't I?
"Oh. we'll, what's the use? Same old
thing year in and year out, I've been
trying to intimate gently to you for
more years than | care to think about
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-26

IrnonlI7eT. not beClUse II Is SUCH a TurIrTN
stor, or because il is better than the
average of its kind. but principally be
cause il is absolutely true and happened
10 me-
Il had a neighbor. when | was a judge.
who had a rather worthless son, who
went from bad to worse, and finally
was arrested and indicted for burglary.
lie was tried and the jury disagreed. He
vas tried again. and the jury disagreed.
The case seemed to me to be plain
enough, but the father of the lad was
very we'll known and very popular in TIE
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-26

''Oh, my dear, please don't misunder-
stand me, OF course. | am not even
dreaming of suggesting that you would
ever permit yourself to get into the habit
of using such destructive things poor
little Mrs. Heapeats must have got into
the way of using. but
We'll. even il the drugs don't contain
any actual narcotics. why, they operate
in such d way as to make woman look
a perfect sight. Any kind Of reducing
my dear as you must know perfectly
we'll, makes a woman look-er-Wel,
won't say ridiculous exactly, but CHASTITY
and unnatural, and all that sort of thing
Its this way, you see. a woman who
is fat is meant by Providence To be fat
and to stay fat. and there's all there
is about it. The trouble with most women
that try to reduce is that they have big
bones, big faces, big frames generally.
and when they do succeed in dropping
some Of their flesh. why. they look like
everybody else in the world except them
selves.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-26

slip a mitt into his kick and pull some
thing out of it.
Losing his appreciation of the value
of time and especially of the need Tor
the maintenance of proper intel ais be
tween gulps, he shoots one in once in
every three and three-eighthS minutes,
and the inevita BILE result is that long be-
fore the cherry blossoms begin to appear
on the sides of the buildings for him, and
the passing street cars begin to make
symphonic music in his ears by merely
Gathering along the street, why, he 5
Spilled. gummed, drenched. orrey-eyed
and pie-lamped
AT such times he is even liable TO meet
up with some imbecile friend who will
take him home TO his wife in such shape,
which is the final catastrophe. VOLTA
That is 10 say, Well, then, Here we have
a situation that easily could be obviated.
Here we have condition of things
whereby thousands of good people.
worthy people, but periodical pickles all
the same, go forth from day 10 day in
search of the ideal, the twinky- winky
ideal by the red-eye route. only to bump
up against nineteen million different kinds
OF bother that is wholly unnecessary ana
that could be forever eliminated by the
organization of an established body OF
trained chaDeronS.
''Of course. the headquarters for the
organization of souse chaperonS would be
an always open affair. with chaperons on
hand at every hour of the day and night
to respond instantly to calls. The souse
chaperon need possess no special qualifi-
cations except huskiness of body and
sound common sense.
understand. he should not be low
brow or plug ugly, but a young fellow
able TO wear decently respectable clothes
and TO pass as the social equal and COM
panion of the souse: for Of course 1T
should never be known, unless the cir
cumstances absolutely demand it. that
the chaperon is paid chaperon of the
Sudser
Il am dwelling upon the chaperon's