The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1910-09-08
HOODRIVER'S MODERN HOTEL

I0lQlng peas, tnc most innocent ana
tender hearted babe could manage the
None-Such. No hitching of a yoke of
oxen to pull the foot down at night.
The newest None-Suches were equip.
ped with the wireless system, and one
could lie there between the sheets and
communicate with his mother-in-law
a thousand miles away.
Samuel, I've been a good wife to
you. I've made over thirty barrels of
soft soap since we was married and
can't begin to tell how many carpet
rags I've sewed. I've alus tried my
hardest to help you get along; but, as
| said, Pm old and lame and homely,
and l don't blame you for wanting a
japanese bomb to strike me Then you
can get married to some sixteen-year-
old girl and go around to circuses and
picnics. You can stay down cellar
while the Japs lombard"
No wife could make a fairer offer,
but the deacon didn't appear to be
greatly interested. That circular went
on to say that If None-Such with a
music box in the springs was preferred
the order must so state. Lying down
on the bed would start the music and
save the cost and trouble of going to
the opera. Caruso and Melba could be
heard singing under the bed without
cent extra cost, This feature was pat
ented in fifteen different countries and
must not be infringed The deacon was
almost hearing Caruso's high notes
when Mrs. Dolby said:
But while I'm willn' to die for your
sake, Samuel, don't want to be killed
by bomb. 1t would jest tear me all to
pieces, Mrs. Fletcher says, and thered
be no funeral I've thought Of better
way. brung In the ak while you was
gone, and Pm going to ask you to
knock me in the head with it. Hit me
jest as hard as you can and bust my
skull inw
That was another fair offer, but the
deacon only cracked his toes over it
and made no reply. The circular told
him that the None-Such could also be
fitted with an apparatus to throw a
sleeper out of bed at any hour desired
in the morning, and throw him hard
Beware Of any folding bed that
claimed to keep out flies in summer
and save half the coal In winter. They
were put on the market by scoundrels
Of the deepest dye.
Furnishes Weapon to End All.
"And here is the ak, Samuel" said
Mrs. Dolby as she rose up and placed
1t at his right hand "You will find
your shirts with the buttons all on and
your socks all mended. Give me the
best funeral you can, but don't be ex-
travagant over It, Your new wife will
want many new things. Take the ak,
Samuel, and then kiss me and whack
away. Remember hain't blaming you
at all"
The deacon must have heard, but he
sat there like stone.
II told Mrs. Fletcher I'd have you
knock me in the head and so nobody'n
blame you"
The deacon was bound to finish that
circular-the only circular regarding a
folding bed he had ever seen.
Il shall be In heaven when the Japs
begin to lombard, and so l shan't
care"
Five lines more to finish.
kiss me and knock my head in,
Samuel"
1t was finished, and the deacon laid
1t aside, lifted his arms to stretch with
a "ho-hum," and then got up and went
out into the kitchen in search Of cold
tea. While he was drinking It Mrs.
Dolby came out and said:
Say, Samuel, let's you and me go
fishing down to the millpond tomor-
rerg'
And the deacon drank cold tea and
smiled.