davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-04-30

Then the rough stuff began. 1t required
keen diplomacy and tact for all of the
members of the family to keep the NOV
ers from stretching out on the floor OF
the spareroom and going to sleep. But.
by dint of incessant prodding and prom
Uses of additional libations of the yaller-
ish grog when the first load was loaded,
the Africanese movers would moOch bang
fully If sadly around the place, picking
up the one cherished parlor chair by
hind leg and dropping the excelsior STUFF
fing all over the floor, jabbing chasms In
the wall paper with corners OF the side
board, falling happily downstairs with
fractions washstands atop of them and
only saved from hideous death owing to
their sozzled condition, and so Oh.
The gear would be slapped into the wag-
ons any old way, while the folks living In
the houses all around, who were jealous
of our superior refinement. would sit In
their windows and jeer, and comment to
each other about what a bluff some folks
did put on with nothing whatever to base
1t upon, and deed they couldn't see how
everything we had in the house could pos
sibly bring more'n SIS cents at auction, and
didn't that mattress look like 1t had been
used by Noah in the ark, and mercy sakes
alive If that carpet didn't look like Blood
fields we do declare, and il that's all the
dishware those stuck-upy people had why
what else in the world could they do at
the table except eat with their fingers
and other keen, analytical. sympathetic
little things like those.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-04-30

authority. II. therefore. the auditor
for the State and other departments.
Notwithstanding there be an opinion rem
dered, make the necessary changes by
which II should be established as prece-
dent, that decorative art as applied 10
equines is a matter to be included In
budgetary aspirations. l would consider
il most necessary that contractual rela-
tons be established by which IL could
be seen that thirty days leave be granted
to all per diem employees engaged in re-
moving microbic carbuncles from the
stern of the freboat Sylvester.
Moreover, should an excelsior be made
in the diurnal movements of the divisions
of temporarily known as weeks. II VIII
be seen that Tuesdays swing just forty
eight hours to the left OF the pivotal
center. AS the elementary rules OF &C
counting call for a balance OF assets
and liabilities. so. taking the matter INTO
the higher sphere of orientated addi-
ton, it can easily be seen that painting
the equine hoof with any pigment what
soever will throw the entire balance of
things two days nearer to the horizon
of the budget. Besides. the ledger sheets
are too small.
IF On an alternative judgment IL should
appear necessary 10 dip the feet of IRE
horses in a darkened pigment on Thurs
days il will require some calculation as
to what exponent is needed to place be-
fore the radical sign. Therefore, II would
scarcely seem feasible to make change
unless it is considered plausible"
With that he withdraws.
Say" saith one scribe to another
that was a great opinion OF the auditor,
wasn't it?'
Sure You going to write it?'
Yes indeed. Let's ask him what 4;
meant?'
''All right
They find the auditor working busily
over some little figures in a small ac
count book His face seems worried
Evidently he is about to spring some
wondrous result upon the community
He jots with his pencil and makes hasty
movements with his eyebrows.
Finally he speaks:
Gee, I wish / could add up my lunch
money and get it right the first time"
IRVING G. NORWOOD.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-04-30

H'w are you fixed for corn liquor today
JIM"
'Hogsheads OF it. sir" replied the pub
lican at the phone. Smooth as panne
velvet. fragrant as jasmine, mellow
AS
"Um-great." interrupted the anti
treater well. you know. Jim, I'm
member of that Anti-Treat-
Bring your friend right over, sir cut
In the publican. We'll arrange. You'll
be taken care OF.
So the luminous anti-treater and his
visitor from the far south strolled over
to the place of call. number of the
anti-treaters were lined up at the bar,
purchasing themselves libations. The
anti-treater, with his southern visitor in
tow, looked a bit hang-dog at sight OF
them, but his embarrassment was only
momentary.
II wish you'd try some Of this, sir,
said Jim. the boss of the rumorium,
planting a bottle of superfine corn liquor
on the bar. IT'S just in from North
Carolina, and it's been slowed in cellar
there for eighteen years. and
We'll" said the anti-treater, who was
trying to get around it, Il just happen to
have a friend here from the south who is
a connoisseur in corn liquor. and maybe
he'll be able to tell yoa whether this
Whereupon the two men, the anti
treater and his visitor, poured out their
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-04-30

The Anti-Treater, up tree, sought oy
learned clubbing, in which he showed
quite a fine knowledge of the common
law. to show that goods In bulk, or VI the
original package could by no process Oh
reasoning be called treat. He main
tanned that a treat necessarily meant a
dram, the dram being of whatever dlmen-
sions the user thereof chose to make IT.
He sternly declared that 1t was Wholly
impossible to regard two full quarts OF
honor as ANYTHING remotely resembling
the thing commonly known as a treat
Th,,s declaring, he stood upon his fun
damentaI right to carry the two quarts
over into corner and, at one VI INC
tables. imbibe the two quarts. or any
reasonable portio,- thereof, with MS Irieho
from the south.
On vote by his fellow Antl-Treaters
present the side-stepper was peaten III
this convention. To his profound oepreS-
sion his guest from the south joined with
the Anti-Treaters in voting him down.
Cornered, the herded one, with the
fighting instinct Of lawyer who mas
himself in a hole, sought another method
to win out.
Sir" he soiemnly demanded OF Jim,
the boss Of the plant. "at what hour
did the gentleman from Tennessee. my
old friend, deposit this package mere
for me. in your care?
"At 8 o'clock. sir" patty replied Jim.
And, gentlemen said the Anti
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-04-30

Knocked the JOY out Of moving Theh.
too. our growing up may nave hau
something to do with knocking the run
out of It, Pretty lady-like work. the
moving game. as it's carried on nova
days.
The big van backs up to the curb. ana
sober, quiet men. who know how 10
carry things downstairs SOS not to
knock all the plaster off the walls and
warp the banisters all out of shape and
gouge holes through the glass DOORS
get right away on the job. and the hrst
thing you know all of the gear is
tucked snugly into the vans, without
so much as a chance for the neighoors
rubbering out of their windows to com
ment upon what common. onnery people
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-04-30

saw the great steamer move majestic
ally out of her slip and head downstream.
An old time steamship man who I've
known for twenty years caught me at
it.
Go to it, said he, chirply. stake
yourself. They all do it. Do it myself.
Not only that. but I've been fooling
around UP and down these ocean docks
for thirty years, and in spite of that /
never find myself becoming hardened to
the parting scenes between the sea goers
and the folks they're leaving behind.
Fact is the steamship man went on.
Il have to turn my eyes away from such
scenes just as often now as i did when
first I cegan TO see them.
The parting business, however, is
tempered by good deal of humor, even
in cases where the bitter tears are flow
ing the hardest: and this, of course,
helps a good deal
hear some of the little colloquies be-
tween couples standing off by themselves
from the chattery crowds
Nearly always both the man and the
width ola heaving sea really are in a
veritable fever of despair; but they're
doing their best to pretend that they're
utterly indifferent. even while the re-
pressed tears are burningly trimming
e. eyes.
Now. look a-here, you,' says the
man to- the woman. in a sort Of a
choked tone, and with the foolishesi
Imaginable kind of d grin on his face
IF you blubber like that. you know,
sure am going to beat you to death
right here before all the people"
Not crying, gasps the woman, dab
bing away at her eyes with a little wad
of a handkerchief. But you stop looking
at me that way or l will. Your eyes look
so-er-moisty funny
Whose, mine?' says the man, fiercely,
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-04-30
WAYS AND wEEPs OF PARTING THE STEAMSHIP WHARF

am bellering and boohooing around
here. in plain sight Of the Lord ana al
the people, like rube. 'Nough 70 maAe
a man sick. Disgusting. Silly. NOTHING
in it.
ANYHOW he went on, still keeping
I'D that swing up and down in front OF
his desoIate little wife. she's only goins
away on boat for two or three montns
blame it all, and I'm not six years oio
and suffering from birching, and, what
the matter with me, anyhow? and ther
he knuckled another big batch OF tears
out Of his eyes, and pulled out relays
Of fresh handkerchiefs from d1nerenl
pockets and blew his nose like siren
whistle.
Then he stopped in front of his nudge
of a wife and made out to bully her
something terrific. But, when he sa"
that she wasn't paying the slightest at
tention to him. why. he just caved. and
be sat down on the box beside her and
put an arm around her shoulder and
became lust as limp and Wretched as she
was.
..Of course, the men often try to pull
that brusque choppy manner with the
women folks they're about to part with
solely and exclusively to cover up their
real feelings, but it is not often that
thew get away with it when the final
wrench comes.
Not long aga I saw man try that
way, who deceived even me at 1t. For
quite awhile I viewed him as a sure
enough mean sort Of a hound. He SEEM
ed to be in thoroughly peevish, snariy
humor from the minute he got out or the
automobile with his pretty, sad-eyed
wife. and he fatty refused to go aboard
to see her snugly fixed in her cabin Tor
the voyage.
Nope he said to her. grouchily,
when she asked him to board the steam
er with her. Nothing whatever like
that. Not much. L should say not.
What's the use? Mighty busy morning
for me, anyhow. Got big deal on, ana
| can't have my mind disturbed with
this sort of tommyrot. I've got to be at
the Office in fifteen minutes. anyhow
CHANGING at his watch, or III miss fire
OH that deal
you'll be all right he went on, GER
tainly in no consoling tone. but with the
gruffness with which he had begun. Oh,
saw. stop that shifting, won't you?
Don't be so Internally imbecile in front
of folks.
You're not being led to the block,
you know. You're just going on bully
trip for yourself. and you're deuced
lucky, at that, to be able to goa heap
luckier than / am. that have to STICK pc
hind here and grind. Now, look a-here,
behave that red-eyed stuff, won't you,
and act like somebody grown up?'
well, I overheard this and a lot more,
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-04-30

she returned.
JOHN she said. they must be fix
ing the water main tonight. The water
has been turned of all over the house"
The member just put his head in his
hands and cried.
The whole world Is against me-" he
wept, as pale and undoubtedly genuine
tears trickied through his fingers. Just
drink OF water in twenty years and
they've gone and turned it or" And
then he wept some more.
John has been very sober Of late. His
wife says that il he misbehaves again
she'll tell the story to all his friends.
And he never could stand the gafr.
D EFORE the great auditor OF the Dis
- trict-Alonzo Tweedale is his name
lies a book. 1t looks very much like a
six-best-seller. Into it, at odd intervals
peeps the auditor. Between peeps he lifts
his eyes ceilingward. and one can see
his mouth phrasng silent words. after
the manner Of memorizing a piece to
speak. For the auditor has an argument
to lay before the Districts fathers. A
grave question has arisen over the legal
ity of painting fire horses hoofs black
on Tuesdays. Owing to the huSh-hush
banner that floats over the District build
Ing not one single word of the probable
outcome can be learned in advance.
The scribes gather! The board meets.
The auditor approaches with his book in
hand! One can see now that the book
Is a treatise on 'Quantitive Analyses on
Municipal Accounting in Excelsis. With
a COMPENDIUM of the Fourth Dimension
as Applied to City Budgets Taking a
last look at the book, the great auditor
laws aside his little green la and begins:
Honorable Board"-somewhere In the
distance a heavy gun booms forth. 1t
signifies nothing, but 1t reminds one of
the days when a six-pounder was fired
from the top of the Donjon Keep when
the Ooge decided to cut some ones head
off-"Honorable Board, fire horses hoofs
are termed floating assets. I can refer
you to links, the great horse marine
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-04-30

feet gained by south view or DOW
legged ball player.
These two darksome common carriers
land isn't common the one-best-het
word for themD had to be approached
gently, where they stood doing In the
blithe spring air, picked up to the eyes
in the juice of the juniper. and. warned
about four days In advance or the incl
dent when our folks had a moving opera
ton on hand. 1t took at least that long
for the movers to make hp their minds
whether they wanted the job Then.
after this ample rapprochement and warn
ing. two or three members OF the family.
on moving morning, had to get them and
beg and implore them to come around and
do the moving. The movers tried to pull
the excuse on such occasions that their
horses dun had de epizooty'' or some
thing but liberal internal applications or
the pale fluid now employed for the manu-
facture of rickeys would spiff them along
to that state of comparative helpiessness
wherein they would be willing to go
through somehow with the solemn COM
pact they had entered into half-week
before.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-04-30

Why" said Mr.. Taft. with his accus-
toned smile working overtime, Il have
just sent to the Senate the nomination OF
Gov. Hughes to be an associate justice of
the Supreme Court"
There was a noise as if somebody had
thrown a suite of solid oak furniture
down three flights OF stairs, cloud OF
dust in the distance, and Mr.. Taft was
alone.
Cruel joke, that! What?
N LAS of Chillicothe. Ohio, and Thetus
Wflrette Sims of Linden, Tenn, are
twins. This may sound foolish. but it is
certainly susceptible of sane and simple
solution, as Allen Albert used to say
when using real plain language, possible
of comprehension by the average bone
head. The other day Thetus Wilrette.
who thinks that scales are an abonina-
ton, strolled-but let us be truthful and
use that word of pure Anglo-Saxon deriva-
ton, waddled''-across the chamber to
Mr.. Douglas, whose head once resisted
the three-story fall of a pair of pearl
handled opera glasses. and entered into
converse.
.'Albertus, DEAR he said, or words to
that effect, Sin glancing through the
Congressional Directory and scanning the
ante-obituaries of the great, I CHANGED to
see that you were born on the 18th of
April. 1852. Albertus SO was l."
"Oh, Thetus," cried Mr.. Douglas, as an
expression of ecstasy chased the trace of
other emotions from his map, you don't
say"
Yep" replied Mr. Sims. "ain't it in
teresting? Now Albertus do you happen
to know at what hour you were born?'
Mr.. Douglas concentrated his mental
faculties in one fierce thought AT 4
o'clock in the morning" he replied, with
chaste dignity.
'Oh, Albertus," whispered Thetus Will
rette. that is just the time I arrived.
We are twins"
1t is the opinion of the admrng and
unprejudiced that the Creator of all
things must have had a surplus stock of
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-04-30

were endeavoring to go through with the
anti-treating thing.
One of the invaders of the spirit and
intent of the Anti-Treating Society, OF
which he was a luminous member, put
his renege across substantially in the fol-
lowing manner:
lie was visited by an old friend from
the far south. He knew how futile or
worse it would be for him to attempt to
explain TO his friend from the south that
he was debarred from stalking him to a
few drinks because he was a member of
the Anti-Treating Society. So before
starting out TO show his far-southern WIS.,
itor a few things he phoned to publican
friend of his
Jim" he phoned. I'm going to be
down there directly with a friend OF
mine a visitor. He likes corn liquor.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-04-30

Colorado. Recently Representative
O'Conneli Of Massachusetts got out an
appeal to the people Of his district to
re-elect him. One of the paragraphs in
this blast made the assertion that no
member of Congress could be q sue
cess unless he had "a pleasing PERSONAL
ity.'' A bit further on Mr.. O'Connell
mentions that he has been a pronounced
success. The prospective voter is as
sisted, by other declarations in the
OConnell Illumination, to draw his own
conclusions.
The O'Connell appeal is also notable
for the amount of terrific laundering in
the index.
A MEMBER Of the House of Represen-
1 i tatives-no names mentioned this
time-who. although an honored and re-
spected member of the community in
which he lives, still has a few packages
Of wild oats left over from his agricultural
youth. had a most distressing experience
the other night.
1t started, of course. when he met an
acquaintance. and the member accepted
an invitation to take a drink. a small
drink, real leet'e, tiny bit of drink
and only one. Then there was another
one. not so little this time. and then the
regulation, old-time alcohol-inhaling pro-
cess went on for some hours. The re-
spected member landed home carrying a
package of unusual size. a bundle of huge
dimensions, load Of uncounted tons.
Also he looked like cross between a
stained glass window and a birthday cake.
But he went to bed. In the middle OF
the night he woke up with his internal
mechanism all ablaze. He felt as If he
had swallowed a charcoal stove or a
gross of devil chasers. He was positively
burning up.
In a weak, faint, suffering, pitiful
OH be-rentIe- with-me voice, he called to
his wife
"Oh, Mary" he whispered. as his
tongue cracked in his mouth. "oh. please
get me a glass, q great big glass of
water"
And Mary went to get it. In a moment
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-04-30
that Mr.. somebodyelse of London evap-

that Mr.. Somebodyelse of London evap-
Grated on the way down.
There are some real genuine imported
Alpine guides in the Selkirks during the
open climbing season and I was told that
they all have to work overtime to accom-
modate the eager tourists. This makes II
possible for those domestic alpinists whose
accident policies are paid up to smash
themselves up la mode. without worry
ing about the folks back home. 1t is
considered very bad form out in the Sell
kinks to bump the bumps without the
proper kind of an escort The man who
falls off the face Of nature with four i'm =
ported guides hanging to his person gets
all the flowers and the press notices.
And the man who goes up with profess
-sional climbers and comes down again in
one piece gets all the fame. But for
the poor devil who goes up unattended
and comes down involuntarily there isn't
even sympathy. They send some of him
home to the folks and scatter sawdust
over the place where he lit. And if
they so much as mention his name it is
merely to score him roundly for muss-
ing things up.
Such are the unalterable ethics Of this
particular variety Of lunacy.
X
OF course. everybody knows that Presi-
~ dent Taft has selected Gov. Hughes
of New Yok for the Supreme bench.
Thereby hangs a tale-albeit very small
one.
The announcement of the selection of
Hughes was not announced at the White
House in the regular way. The President
was at Howard University that afternoon.
and lust before he was to be called on for
his speech he turned to the half dozen
newspaper men-representing tn press as
sociations and the local newspapers-who
chase him wherever he goes.
Boys he said, II scooped you today"
rs that so, Mr.. President" somebody
remarked politely
YES" said the President, Il was sorry,
but had to do it. Good story, too"
what was it, Mr.. PRESIDENT" one of
the reporters asked. in d tone he tried
not to make too bored.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-04-30

cal health should want to climb a noun
tain merely for the purpose of getting to
the top. l never could understand. Elk
ceIlent views of the face of nature may be
had from the top of the Washington Monu-
ment. the Eiffel tower and other hand
made structures that are provided with
elevators.
When ! was out in the Selkirks, cou-
pie of years ago. | asked a lot of cues
tions about this mountain climbing bust
ness. and when the folks out there found
I was interested they pointed out to me
a number of historic places. For instance
there was a spot way up on Mount Some
thing-Or-other-I saw 1t plainly through a
/ teiescope-where bright-eyed enthusiast
with alpine tendencies missed his footing
one lovely morning in June. Directly
under this interesting spot. but few
thousand feet below, can be seen plain
headstone. marking the place where the
remains of the bright-eyed enthusiast re-
pose in a quaint, woven basket of Indian
workmanship. These baskets are on sale
almost anywhere in the mountain region,
and they come in mighty handy some
times There was also pointed out to me
the long. rough stretch Of almost perpen-
dicI!Iar rock. where Mr.. Somebodyelse OF
London bumped the bumps. His foot also
slipped But there's no headstone down in
the valley for him. 1t is the opinion of
the we'll informed out there. 1 was told,
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-04-30

you must be to live surrounded by such
junky furniture,
When the stuffs all whisked out OF
the old plant. why, you take car aht
go to the new outfit, where the qulet
fellows without airy can or peer
around) are putting down the carPets
and ship-shaping things up, and before
shutdown. why. there you are ihstaiIeu;
and everything's all trig and taut, ana
all the romance and halo and stun are
chopped out of the beauteous May NOV
ing-day performance we used TO DE ac-
uuainted with Ooh, so oft, oft acquaint-
ed WITH when We were growing up.
In the first place, there weren't any OF
those housed-over moving vans, holding
much as freight cars, IN those nyai.hS
times. Our folks. when they wanted to
move tand whatever else may be SAID
about our folks. they were some movers.
believe mel, had to depend. as did other
moving people of that epoch. upon the
common haulage wagons of a couple OF
-,askina io-kongoese citizens who
lived and blinked out their happy juniper
berry beings little down the street.
They possessed open-face carts that
looked as II they'd collapse like a push
ball in moving picture show II they
passed over pebble of more than two
karats in weight, and the rear wheels
Of these carts gave you the wobbly ef-