The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1910-08-28
CRANKS WRITE TO
STATE DEPARTMENT
Women Want Jobs AS Conf
Dental Agents
AT FOREIGN COURTS
Latest Offer Is From Eng1ishman
Who Wants To Be Secretary of
Navy At Salary of $4,000
Year

BY JONATHAN WINFIELD

BY JONATHAN WINFIELD
Washington, August 27.--Reference
to the files of the department of state
would enable any seeker for such sta
tistics to make up the choicest list
of cranks that ever put their various
freak propositions in writing. Cranks
who not only claim the United States
as their native land, but cranks from
all civilized nations of the world cor
espond-although 1t is generally a one
sided respondence--with the state
department.
Then, too, there are many of the let
writing fends who are ready to
sacrifice themselves for the good of the
United States, either by taking up the
burden of the President of the nation.
by being confidential advisors of the
Nate department or in the case of the
cranks of the gentler sex, who offer
to be confidential agents of the Unit
ed States at the capitals of foreign
nations. or course all want salary
that equals il not exceeds the present
pittance of $4,000 that Uncle Sam gives
the President each year; the average
LADY confidential agent" will serve for
a mere salary If all expenses are paid.
Expenses, of course, include fashionable
living, maintenance of fashionable es-
Establishments in order to give the
proper entire into the exclusive society
of European courts, attendants, auto
mobiles, summer villas, etc.
The latest offer to save the nation
has just arrived. This time it is a
subject of John Bull who is willing
to renounce his allegiance to Great
Britain and become a citizen of the
United States If this government will
make him Secretary of the Navy, sign
Ing a five years contract and pay him
only" $4,000 English money, which Is
$4,000 good American coin, for eacf.
years service, as the big boss of the
naval establishment.
The British would-be savior, in his
letters, smells war. War between the
United States and Japan Is his read
ing of the cards of fate He has To
support his mother, also he says, or
he would serve without pay. He will
direct the United States, succeeding
the secretary in office, and guarantees,
If Congress will not be stingy with the
nations funds, to bring it to supreme
supremacy over all the navfes of the
world. Speed. he declares, Is the Sc
cret of naval development One pro-
peller makes a battleship go 10 miles
an hour, while two make it go 20.
He has submitted plans for the bat
tleships which he proposes to build If
he gets the navy portfolio The plans
resemble porcupines, as their sides
have innumerable propellers pointing
out at various angles. Each propeller
Is TO have a separate gas engine"
The propeller enthusiast has been in
formed that too many propellers on ships,
which must of necessity be located at
the stern, cause vacuum and that scen-
tifie- experiments of naval men of other
navies have proven his theory faulty He
is still corresponding, at least trying
to tell the department, through his cor
respondence with the United States en-
bassy in London, that naval experts are
humbugs. and that he alone knows the
wherefores of what he relates.
Next to the crank letters, the funny re-
quests for information take up the files
of the department. A man out In South
Dakota recently dispatched document to
the department earnestly soliciting infor-
nation as to whether the Krupp or the
Bethlehem gun works is the larger. ''ro
settle bet," he wrote, this information
is imperative. 1t must be correct Have
our minister to Europe investigate and
report
An enterprising dental graduate in a
western city wishes to know If there is
opportunity for success for dentist in
China, explaining to the department his
success in making false teeth and ire
specially awaiting an answer while the
department has agents looking over the
Oriental field and make suggestions
where he should plant his false teeth
making establishment
A couple of dime museum freaks, fat
lady and an Indian rubber" man, sent
In a letter relating their hard luck. They
were going back to Europe to try their
luck, they explained, and only wanted
letters of introduction to the heads of
foreign governments. The English King,
the French President and the German
Emperor would about fill their wants If
letters to these three were forthcoming
The city guides who catch their victims
in the neighborhood of the White House
are doing yoeman service for the repub-
leans Showing their string of sight
seers the treasury building, they are at
present leading them to the North front,
where worlxingmen are busy making
foundation for the new file rooms.
When they arrive this is their story:
Gentlemen and Ladies' Here you see
the busy workers of the government the
actual toilers, men who work with their
hands, making ready for additions to
the vaults of the United States treas
ury. In the building before you I will
state that there are millions and mil
lions OF real money; gold, silver and the
paper money. which you of the west are
not so used to as we of the east.