The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1910-04-10
Lice Talks With Dead Ones
BY IRWIN s. COBB

ernor Hughes whiskers and the typical
traveller was always supposed to wear
fiat topped derby and a linen duster and
carry a carpet bag with paper collar
sticking out of it, Nobody in those days
knew anything about these patent inno-
walton trunks for $40 that cannot be
smashed and that keep your pants pressed
for you and won't let your high hat get
squshed and always stand on end and
open like a wardrobe-for $65 l believe
you can get one that will do all these
things and also bring you cup of cof-
fee In the morning and give you shave
and a neat shoeshine. But back in those
days we fell for the paper collar party
with the four-ply Brussels valise. Or
anyhow all the illustrators did.
And a Sunday paper then was mere
~ a Sunday paper; nothing to 1t abso
lutely, but lot of junk that was too
long or too tiresome to go in during the
week and such standard features as the
NJ. Quad stun and the column of exciting
chess problems on the editorial page with
the checkerboards and the chart showing
how the Knight jumped the giblets out
of the Bishop. l know that's very hard
to believe these times when a Sunday
paper weighs about nine pounds and in
cludes a colored supplement, the words
and music of the last popular song hit
or the next one, a complete novel,
cake of soap, book telling AGO ways to
cook an egg, If you can only get the
egg somewhere first. a coupon In guess
ing contest for 200 valuable prizes,
large picture suitable for framing and
cardboard cut out of a modern bungalow
so that anyone who owns suburban iot
and follows the directions carefully, such
as cutting with a sharp penknife along
the dotted line and inserting Slot A into
tr-i11 hQx a
at practically no cost whatever. But
such was the case.
II thought that to get the best results
in my work l ought 10 frequent smelly
day coaches and win the friendship OF
sturdy sons of the soil who had traces
of their family tree on their hands and
who took off their shoes when travelling
and rode informally, or as you might
say al fresco. in their white yarn SOCKS
and ate hard boiled eggs and spring
onions out of shoe box. And | like
wise labored under the disadvantages OF
believing that the crop was thickest in
the high grass and that to really achieve
standing in the profession / ought TO
change my graft about once in 10 or L
years or so. All of us felt the same way
about these things-Paper Collar Joe ana
Glass Eyed Charley and the Harmony
Kid and the rest of the recognized pro-
fession.
But | know better now. l know
now that the best class OF customers
| don't wear chin whiskers and black
| diagonals And l know that the great
metropolis is the real place for any
| con man with working knowledge OF
any of those little devices that came
into popularity about the time Grand
Central Pete first put on long pants
No need to work up new trick Tor the
Great White Way, boys. Old friends
are best on the Little Street OF the
wise Ones. And right there on the
| G. w. w. in the haunt of gals, gasoline
and gladstone rags, is where you'd find
Yours Sincerely If / could get back
there. For me there'd be no more
chasing the nut brown Ezra behind the
hay NOW with the Bohemian oats in
one hand and the fountain pen in the
other and making him sign the pa
pers on the spot. There'd be no more
riding on accommodation trains, which
were SO called, because not. Broadway
would be the happy hunting ground OF
my vanished tribe of noble scouts If
could only pay return visit
What prompts you to say such a
thing as that?" / asked.
| Recent history" said Canada Bill
i've been reading the papers and keep
ing posted. A bright young Pittsburg
capitalist comes all the way back to
New York to tackle the wire tapping
game. He tackles 1t not only once't
but twicet, and then thricet. He
tackles it to the gratifying extent OF
$4,000 glittering sun bright simoleons
And yet, next to Grecian dancing and
The Return from Elba, wire tapping IL
| the most advertised little thing there Is
Il learn also that incoming trains
from England points have been all clut-
| tered up lately with visiting Bible
class teachers and others who were
coming down to Gotham to win large
sums at faro. What's more, they felt
they positively couldn't lose, any way
you put 1t. Wasn't each one Of then
under the direct personal guidance OF
a kind philanthropist who met him or
the street of Bellows Falls just casual
ly and liked his face at first glance ant
took q fancy to\him on the spot ant
got acquainted with him and invited
him down to share in a little private
melon cutting? Quite so, oh yes, in
deed. Naturally, IL New York car,
sharp had ripe canteloupe all read,