davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
New-York tribune., 1910-01-02

Gus an they thought he oughtnt ter hev
ther pollyticianS hev allus found way
ter remove it from him while he wus lookin'
on an make him think he's injyin it.
thought there trusts had this thing pat
ented years ago. Why, John D. Rockey-
feller wus puhfo'min these operations to
ther oil perducers long afore this feller
Jonnesco got on ther map, an Havemeyer
vas a-doin' it in ther sugar bizness, an
Armour in ther meat bizness. an Carnegie
in ther steel bizness. They hain't no use
Gittin' het up bout this ere dee-scovry o.
this feler Jonnesco, cause there haint
nothin' new ur startlln' bout it at all
Look how a lot o ther peepul ii set
up in a puffectly conscious state an watch
their growth bein ree-moved by a lot o.
politicians an then 20 to ther polls year
arter TSar an vote fur these 'cre same
politicians Don't thet show thet ther
op'raticn air painless? Shucks This feller
JonnescO haint dee-scovered nothin' new"
An another thing" continued the school
teacher, ''speakin' o. these ere new inven-
tions, ruther incline lords this ere pocket
wireless Telegraph receiver what thet Eye
Italian feller has fist invented Bean read
in bout it in ther papers. any o. yuh
fellers? 'Tant no bigger n watch an
with coil O. copper wire in his pocket
an a steel cane he kin stand on Their curb
stone along ther main street an take
wireless messages sent frum a village
miles away.
This ere vest pocket wireless teIygraph
air gonna be er big thing wien it gifts inter
uneyvcrsal use. Then a ftller won't hev
New-York tribune., 1910-01-02
TURKEYS SULTAN TALKS OF
klNGSHlP ON A REFORM TICKET

like statuette done in butter on a hot
dey. His chin would be strong, only it
isn't. His features are very loosely
draped around his cars and nose.
Mr.. Sultan. are you ever timidly
afraid about Anarchists" ] require with
voice.
Deliciously i shodder 20 think how
their bullets may be waiting for me be-
h'nd every post he crate.
Discontinue your fears" | repose.
IF Anarchist went out to kill King
he would never shoot you. He would
take you for a fat lady with a gray mus
tache and red fez. ThusIy you would
be able TO escape with the rest Of the
Harem.'
Hon. Mehmud look nearly peeved by
this information.
DO not reproach me for my Fat &
habbed condition. he rope off MY
life has been passed far from golf
games & other Publck Duties I never
got no exercise. The best 80 years of
my youth has been passed locked away
in Jail, where my dearie brother. Abdul
the Damned, put me and then lost the
key
No Turkey could be in cold storage
SO long and keep healthy" nudge.
Hon. Suit look much obliged
The Kingdom of Turkey have en-
Jcyed serious throw-up in the past
year or two" say he. Maybe you have
read about it in the papers?''
Il have heard some slight gossip about
it," / snuggest.
Il do not read the papers" confab
this Mehnud man. therefore I did not
know there was Revolution in my un-
happy Fstherland, until one morning
about 11:30, as / layed in bed partaking
my simple breakfast of candy and
cologne, Insursent Leader of Senator
Cummins appearance walked boldly
into my Selamlik without knocks
Il am joyful to report that We have
been successful in our attempts" he
snagger, saluting me without breath.
What attempts have you been at
tempting?' 1 require.
To throw down Hon. Abe Hamid,
famous presser of Turkey, ne report.
What crimes has brother Abe been
doing that you should throw him DOWN.
l require.
He is suspected of agreeing with
Senator Aldrich in nearly all his poll
cies, he dib bitterly; need It be neces-
sary to say more?'
Why should you burst into my bed
room merely to gossip about ito L snub
tiresomely.
Because you are now elected Sultan
of Turkey on a Reform Ticket. Praise
Allah and get up So 1 did so and have
continued this exercise ever since"
Hon. Mehmud V set gloomly weeping
into his shoes.
rs Turkey beginning TO get some
Modern Ideas?" i nextly require
Modern Ideas" he grubble. BY the
New-York tribune., 1910-01-02

many consumers an not ernough o. per
ducers. Jim Hill, ther big railroadin' man,
sez thet thar air too many men leavin' the
farms an goin to ther cities, an thet
what we need is more farmers"
Then, why in tarnation don't Jim Hill
guv up railroadin' an go ter farmin."
said the editor I've allus noticed thet
thar is alus lot o. men what ur wiIlin'
do, but they hain't never in no big hurry
ter do it themselves. If Jim Hill he'd
stuck ter raisin' buckwheat Std o. build
in railroads we'd a never heerd tell o.
him at all Now lie wants ther rest o.
ther peepul ter do tier farmin' an leave
ther runnin o ther universe ter him
Betchu if this feller Hill hes any sons he
hain't sendin' them out inter ther rural
dee-stricks ter help in ther spring powin'
none. Not on yer life. Jim prob'ly thinks
that thcr Hill connection wus borned fur
somethin better n shuckn' corn an wal
iopin' boss hitched inter a reaper an
hinder round ther medder."
Speakn' o these ere successful men,"
put in the school teacher. what dye think
o this ere feller Jonnesco what has in
vented method o puhfo-min' painless
op'rations While ther patient is conscious
an lookin' on? / sees b. ther papers thet
he kin whack off any kind us a growth
that feller gifts while he is loolkin' ON an
injyin' it."
''shuclls,' replied the editor, tibet hain't
hothin' new. They've bean doin that in
pollyticks fur years. Any time some feller
acquired a growth what was gettin' danger
New-York tribune., 1910-01-02

they make me ncrvus." dib Mehmud
with heckling expression. why should
they always make me so restless with
their Reforms? / am not built for a
Chief Executive. I should rather be
Supreme Court Justice where I can rest
my brains and enjoy my digestion
Oftenly and oftenly T think Of younger
days and wish 1 was back again in
Prison-placc where / used TO he so
happy and so free"
The Sultan OF Turkey set chewing
Cigarette smoke carefully like Hon.
Horse Fletcher swallowing a turnip.
Them Young Turks thinks because
they made me they can run me. Prob
ably they are right. They arc constant
ly sending me Demands couched in
peevish language like Arthur Brisbane
talking to the Trusts. II makes my
blood cook. They want TO model every
thing to look as much like Chicago as
possible. The faithful Musseinan now
goes to prayer in a six-cylinder run
about The faithful Musselwoman has
now dropped the Turkish towelling from
her fair teachers and goes to matinees
in them jolly-mourner hats of Paris
manufacture. o Islam. how queer you
are acting,"
But you. at least. can remain fos-
silized, can't YOU not?' I require with
soothing expression Of Honey Fritz.
Can I? I can't" he dib. "OnIy this
morning 7 received letter from the
Eoy Turks Good Govt League which
said following harsh words:
Dear Subtitle World do Move and
you Supposed to get on the Fire Engine
with the rest. Enclosed please find foto
of Theodore Roosevelt. Hereafter YOU
will be expected to wear your Teeth out
side your Mustache, as per model.
Yours,
Y. T. G.. G. L."
The Sultan Of Turkey sink back in
despair with his nose resting on his
breast bone.
They are breaking my heart by
inches" he grone. II am too old for Re-
form or other boyish pranks Can the
Leopard change his dots? Not at nv
age"
Brace uply,' I reproach. "A Good
Govt Mayor should not look so pressed
would not wish Turkey to go back to A
Tammany gent like Hon. Abe Hanid,
would you?"
MY brother Abe was not a bad sort
OF fella,' he report. He was loved and
respected by all who worked for him
Most Grafters are" l despatch.
Many members of our local smart set
are dreaming of the good old davs when
CUnstantinopal was nearly as wide open
as San Francisco, when the Hon. Lid
was without hinges and Franchises was
scld at every cigar store Are YOU fa-
miliar with the rhythmical works of Ali
Ben Hammam, municipal poet OF the
Graft Administration?
Il have neglected to do so.' This from
me .ts1 ae
I'm this mornings copy of the Mo-
hammedan Herald 1 notice the following
touching contribution from that talented
malefactor:
New-York tribune., 1910-01-02
Constantinops


To Editor Tribune. who must realize
that there arc many Tough Birds
among the young Turks.
Dear Mr.. Sir:
Are yoii a Chrustian?" This from
Finn.
Thank YOU. no sir" This from me.
How fortunate, Then we can chat
ter together I'm the truthful manner Pc
cGliar 10 Heathens. Already I am be-
ginning To love you DO not stand there
eosping Ike an unhappy kitten-fish.
Forget your awe, Why should you fear
me? I am nothing but the Proprietor
Of Heaven and Earth. the Defender Of
tho Faith and 2 few other odd jobs.
Try TO look natural in my presence
This conversation revolved between
ne and Hon. Mehmud V. Sultan of
Turkey. who I discovered in the Gents
Dept of the Yildiz Kiosk. He was occu-
pying Hen. Throne where he sat with
his legs crossed like a pair of suspend
ers- ] stood perpendicular before him
holding my Hon. Shoes reverently in my
. hand.
Set down. Togo Pacha:'' he commute
with horse voice. / look nervusly side
wise I could not see no chairs no
where's
-Pleases, Hon. Boss" shodder.
where is it that should set on?"
Set on" he sprout scornly. What
gre Floors made FORE
ITO sweep perhaps" I corrode with
selly nerves while I Topped dovnwards
IN q pile Of sofa cushions Of delicious
r1ush-feeling.
This Hon. Sultan set silently smoking
Mohammedan cigarettes. He seemed to
be enjoying i'll health very much.
Around the belt he was every inch a
King and - or . extra. ] observed the
stylish redness of his Mystic Shriner
hat. I observed the fashionable black
ness Of his frockaway coat. Also & like
wise ] observed the way he wobbled his
Rev Toes inside his bare white sox.
Togo Pacha." is next question for
him. why should you gaze so fercely
g. my feetware? Are you shocked with
surprise to see a Sultan receiving visi-
tors in his sox-feet?'
Il am gradually accustomed to it,"
report. Il have oftenly called on the
Sultan OF Congress at Danville, H."
NO Sultan can expect to, act with
justice when his shoes pinch him. say
Suit. Easy feet makes easy minds II
3 Sultan wish TO treat rich & poor alike,
he must walk around occasionally in his
sox.''
How peculiar it is" ] otter. 'aThe
Sultan OF Congress is always walking
around in his soX; yet nobody has ever
dishcovered him trying to treat rich &
poor alike
Hon. Mehmud V set silently trying to
digest this wisdom into the Turkish Ian
guage. While he vas acting thusly L
sat and noticed his face. He got a face
New-York tribune., 1910-01-02

bed-tick & dropped into the Golden
Horn with a flat-iron tied to her Turk
ish slippers
THAT is a quantity brutal CUSTOM"
l peruSe.
THE Young Turks will never get so
Young that they will permit intelligence
in the Harem. This would be too dam
gerous in a country where women might
learn to vote on basis of IL TO l.
But should not the Young Turkies be
up to dates in everything?" I rastle.
They are already SO up to dates that
New-York tribune., 1910-01-02

necktie of Abrahim. should say-so she
has! Already we have got a Constitu-
ton and a Sugar Trust. We are dig
ging subway under Constantinopal
and we are sending to New York for the
latest type of Traction Scandal
How about Votes for Women?" 1
snuggest with Stanton Blatch voice.
Turkey has got more intelligent
votes, per harem, than any part of Salt
Lake City, including Utah." say Suit
with voice of local pride.
IF Mrs. Femiline Spankhurst should
New-York tribune., 1910-01-02

come here with Woman Suffering talk,
would the Young Turkies welcome her
in the midst of other Modern Ideas?"
This from me-
I could hear earnest thoughts romp-
ing around inside the fez of this Great
Man.
Togo Pacha," he say at lastly. there
is a pretty old fashioned custom among
the husbands of Islam. Whenever
Lady begin to take an interest in Poll
ticks and to show. an intelligence be-
yond her Years, she is sewed into a
New-York tribune., 1910-01-02
A DEFINITION.

What is the difference hs,no.. -,
and discret,on?" e'"een Naior
,ir,irn Men, TO go TO a restaurant vithout
II sec"
uo,Ia "a" TO go TO different one next dav
"o'id be discretion. '-Tit-Rifs u"Y
New-York tribune., 1910-01-02
HIS DREAM

iIe-I dreamed about Won Last rirh.
r,,,st Snte-oh. YOU did, did YOU? well vo,,
,rasi ,rust remember that dreams go bv cnn SUu
tHeIFhat suits me to a dot d-.s
me proposed To YOU and Won roiected
New-York tribune., 1910-01-02
FUNNY.

BorroUghs-Mr. Merchants out, vou
say? Why. he had an appointment with
me here. That's very funny
New Office Boy-Yes, sir; I guess he
thouSht II was, too. Anyways he was
laushin when he went out.-Cathonc
Standard and Times.
New-York tribune., 1910-01-02
A FREQUENT INs,NcER,ry

varicn Inc mans own words prove him a nre-
I'm u,ba SAID Mr.. Quibbles.
si.ns :, WIlteS mo an insulting letter and
sta AourS respectfully "-Washinston
New-York tribune., 1910-01-02

bsvs 1at. IA calculated Rip. in surprise, and
the mountain at ane'' ''S 'oP OF
ers or s eVsl IN those DAYS there were douht-
me ,:W%L 9 SCORERS whose motto was "Sbov
New-York tribune., 1910-01-02
NO USE,

II VAS seS doneS IS down and out. Whv
me he W'iS a little while ago that he toij
s.rIn pad the key Of success '''"
to ma Iu but the poor fellow wasn't ah,.
ths keyhole. Cleveland Ieaasr
New-York tribune., 1910-01-02
WISE OLD RIP.

mar an Winkle awoke frou, his L.
hurrNu s'arted down the rocky heixhts -
yesrs :, didn't YOU sleep another tr.n,..
o'u man." asked the villaser "9N'S
New-York tribune., 1910-01-02
COULDN'T HELD 1T

fool ~" '"uSt think me a blamed
an1boa, Hisss Qkindly-No. don't thinl,
New-York tribune., 1910-01-02
No GLurroN.

wv nLUTIoN.
,,rr onsuseessfui Csunssl--rr very
man. 'siS tcr Scu. rNy
- tr'scner-Ac' perY ,ecl,n.,.
eva SPORT Five years - er,ush.
The Skeeoh
Los Angeles herald., 1910-08-20
MT. M'KINLEY PARTY
FAILS To SCALE PEAK
Parker-BroWne Expedition Re-
turning After Failure to
Climb Mountain

SEWARD, Alaska, Aug. 19.-The
Parler-Browne Mount Mckinley ex-
petition passed through Seward today
sailing on the steamship Portland for
Seattle. The party was unsuccessful IN
it's efforts to scale the peak. Members
of the expedition assert that they have
conclusive evidence that DR.. COOK old
not reach the summit.
The members of the Parker-Browne
party corroborate the statements made
by C. E. Rusk,A who recently led an un-
successful expedition, that the peak
climbed by DIR. Cook and used in his
photographs as Mount Mckinley is a
smaller peak, easy of access and ten
miles away from the real summit
Prof. Herschel Parker, who is at the
head of the expedition that just re-
turned, took photographs of the lower
peak, which, he says, will prove that
DIR. Cooks claims that he climbed
Mount Mckinley are not true.
Prof. Parker places no credence IN
the claims made by Tom Lloyd of Fair
hanks and his associates that they
climbed the mountain from the Fair
banks side.
Those in the party which returned
today are Prof. Herschel Parker OF
Columbia university, Belmore Browne
of Tacoma, Prof ]. H. Cuntz OF Ste
vens institute, Hoboken, N. j.; Herman
L. Tucker of Newton, Mass; Waldemar
Grassie of Columbia university, and
Merle Leroy, an Alaskan packer.
Los Angeles herald., 1910-08-20
HARPOON MAY DISCLOSE
FATE OF WHALER'S CREW
Weapon Found Projecting from
Mammal ImpaIed by Steam
er'S Prov

PHILADELPHIA, Aug. ia seven
years mystery of the sea may be solved
through a mishap to the German
steamship Pallanza, which struck a
whale at sea, nearly cutting the NAM
NAL in two and disclosing harpoon
believed to have been used by the
little whaler James T. Ducan, which
was lost in 1903. The Ducan sailed
from Halifax with a crew of seven
men in the spring of that year and
has not since been heard from.
Captain Fendt of the Pallanza, which
has arrived here from Hamburg, re-
ports that he ran into the whale Aug
gust II. The creature was firmly i'm
paled on the prov of the steamer and
died after a terrific struggle. Mem
bers fthe crew were let down to chop
away the carcass and the sailors
found the harpoon inbedded in the
whale.
On the end of the harpoon was an
iron band stamped ~. T. D., 1902"
Captain Fendt keeps a close record
of wrecks and he came to the conclu-
sion that the whale may have been re-
sponsible for the loss of the Ducan.
81 think it is safe to say the men
of the Ducan drove this weapon into
the whale and in the struggle which
followed the vessel was sunk by a
blow of the animals TAIL" he said.
You'd think so, too, If you had seen
that whale die"
Los Angeles herald., 1910-08-20
PANAMA CANAL is OPEN
TO VESSELS 1912 MILES
Sand Ships Navigate the Atlantic
Side 5 1-2 Miles

WASHINGTON, Aug. 19.-Five and
half miles of the Panama canal at
the Atlantic entrance were opened to
navigation for the sand and rock fleet
of the Atlantic division last week, ac-
cording to the issue of the Canal Rec
ord, which reached this city today. This
section, added to the five miles of the
Pacific entrance, which is open to yes
sells of all kinds, brings the total of
the canal now in actual use up to 1OE
miles.
The division just opened is not COM
pleted, but it has a channel Is feet
deep at its shallowest point and a
width of 100 feet at it's narrowest point
The dredges are constantly working on
this part, broadening and deepening it
to the full width of 500 feet and the
full depth of As feet.
The part just opened does away with
long detour via the old French canal,
which it was necessary for the sand
and rock laden ships to make in haul
ing their cargoes from Porto Bello and
Nombre de Dios to Gatun.
Los Angeles herald., 1910-08-20
POLITICS IN TEXAS IN
BEMUDDLED CONDITION
Democratic Nominee CoIquitt
Must Run on Platform He
Is Pledged Against

AUSTIN, Texas, Aug. 19.-The most
remarkable political situation in the
history of the Democratic party in
Texas exists.
o. B. Colquitt, the victor in the pri-
mary battle, was named through the
activity of the Observation-Disclosures,
while a majority of the delegates
chosen to the state convention are in
favor of statewide prohibition.
The question of the platform on this
subject makes the situation quite in
teresting, for the people have voted in
favor of Mr.. Colquitt, making the
action of the state convention dele
gates almost mandatory. He cannot
possibly indorse or run on a platform
indorsing prohibition, and yet that is
just what the delegates promised to
adopt.
1t is situation such as never before
has arisen in Texas politics. Develop
ments of a startling nature are not
only possible, but, in the opinion of
many we'll informed and close observ-
ing people they are highly probable.
OF course some peacemaker who is
equal to the momoEtous occasion may
arise and quiet the threatening dis
turbance before it gets to the point
of a volcanic outbreak, but at this
time there seems to be little chance
of any peaceful solution of the prob
lem.
Los Angeles herald., 1910-08-20
BAR MILK PUNCH
At j. S. ACADEMY
West Point Cadets Caught Brew
ing Drink Receive Severe
Punishment
NARROWLY ESCAPE DISMISSAL
To Parade Every Afternoon Until
March 81, 1911, Armed
and Equipped
NARROWLY ESCAPE DISMISSAL
ASSOCIATED Press>

WEST POINT, N. Y, Aug. leone
of the severest disclplines ever adj
ministered at West Point is to be the
lot of four cadets, all members of the
first ordinary class at the military
academy who have been on trial for
several weeks before a general court
martial, charged with drinking milk
punch.
The four cadets are Wilifred Blount
of Maryland. Charles d. Byrne of
Washington, D. c., Harry j. Keely Of
Illinois and Bethel Wood Simpson OF
Michigan. Blount and Byrne are
sons of retired officers, while Simpsons
father Is Maj. Wendell l.. Simpson,
who is on duty in this city. Colonel
Byrne, the father of the fourth. is
a former surgeon general of the de-
partment of the east, stationed at
Governors Island.
The cadets were found guilty by the
court-martial and their dismissal
recommended, but President Taft
committed this sentence to what is
regarded as a most rigorous penalty.
Until March 81, 1911, they are to be
confined to the barracks, and each
Wednesday and Saturday during that
time must pass their afternoons parad-
"a. result none of them will see foot
ball match during the coming season,
nor will they be allowed to attend any
dances or other social functions.
CAUGHT BY OFFICERS
The punch that caused the trouble
was brewed late one evening in June.
There is no regulation of the academy
that is more drastic than the one re-
lating to Intoxicating liquors, the pun
ishment for drinking or having intoxi-
cants in ones possession being dis
missal from the service.
The recipe for the punch was two
arts of milk, pint of rye whisky,
two grated nutmegs, half a cup of
sugar, two lemons and the skin of one
orange. There was no hilarity con-
nected with the making of the punch,
and no one probably would have heard
of it had not the officer in charge that
night made a tour of the barracks.
Up to that night there had not been
a drop of whisky discovered in the
barracks building for more than five
years, and great was the officers sur
prise when, as he entered the room,
he wiffed the odor of the beverage.
The four guilty ones were reported and
ordered before a court martial
Los Angeles herald., 1910-08-20
WEIGHT COMMISSIONER
BANS FAKIRS' SCALES
To Inspect Machines of Coney
Island ConceSSionaireS

NEW YORK, Aug. 19.-The New
York commissioner of weights and
measures has turned his attention to
the industrious persons who guess
your weight" at C0ney island and the
other shore resorts about the city.
The commissioner made personal in
spection of number of the scales at
Coney island and found them faulty.
1.-THE scales are practically all
fixed,'" he said afterward. 81 weigh
176 pounds, but when I was weighed
OF the Coney island scales, my weight
ranged anywhere from $50 to 1870
pounds; in fact just the wight the OPP
orator had guessed"
The commissioner said the machines
would have to go. Their inaccuracy is
not the main reason, however. There
have been many complaints from peo-
pie who have had their pockets picked
while being weighed, and the commits
sioner declares that the operator al
ways runs his hands over a person,
ostensibly to estimate their weight but
really to locate their pocketbook or
their bank roll, then either lifts" it
himself or signals it to confederate
to do so.
Los Angeles herald., 1910-08-20
TURNS SPEEDING CASE
INTO WEDDING CEREMONY
Justice WedS Couple Who Violate
Speed Law

CHICAGO, Aug. 19.-Justice John
Boyer of Evanston turned speeding
case into a wedding ceremony yester-
day. Clarence Stead, 35 years DID, and
Miss Clara Boken, 20 years old, both of
Denver, arrived in Chicago in the
morning and obtained a license at the
county clerks office. They were hur-
rying into Evanston in an automobile
at full speed when they were over
hauled by a policeman and summoned
to court for violation of the speed or
dinance, despite the protestations of
the couple.
"We were trying to elude people who
are pursuing u.s." said Stead to Justice
Boyer.
"Does anybody object to your get
ting married." asked the justice.
Eyes, her parents do, but she is of
age" said the bridegroom.
"Well, come up to the desk here
and will perform the ceremony" said
Justice Boyer.
Los Angeles herald., 1910-08-20

supplies for three weeks. The fire is
said to have a front 18 miles long.
The Weyerhauswer timber men have
their timber we'll patroled and so far
no fires of consequence have occurred
in their holdings. A number of the fire
rangers in the reservation are reported
as being hemmed in by the flames and
to be fighting for their lives. Many
campers who have been spending their
vacations in the Blue canyon country
are said to be in danger. The weather
is unprecedentedly dry and there are
no rain prospects.