davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-19
THE PROCESS OF HOOKING HER UP

Juncture, to keep it in mind that, what
ever her faults. she is q human being
Wnen, having reached her. you take
a-hoid OF her, do not do so as il consider
ing that you are taking a-hold of a frac-
elouS noating tree in lumber Jam. There
IS no need for such vivacity. Grab her
gently, You know: not as IL you were
ABOUT TO undertake the currying of a
morse, for there is no occasion to wound
ner senslbilities at such time There is
always the chance that wounding her
sehSiOiltles at such a time will result in
ner surrendering to what is termed an eff
fusion OF tears: and If you've ever taken
an ex-tearful wife to the theater, with
large runneis and rivuets in her makeup,
and her eyes all swollen, and all of YOUR
knocking friends, sitting on the other
side of the car, telling each other that
probably you've been smuggling her with
fatirOn just before leaving home
why. you'll never take another chance on
that tear stuff as long as you live
You Will infallibly find that. when you
take a-hold of her. she will exhibit an in
domitable determination to stand with her
back. not to the light, but away from it
that Is to say, with her back enshadowed
Just why she should do this no modern
scientist has been able to determine But
she does. and she always will However,
that mere fact should not cause You to
yank her suddenly and teeth-looseningly
SO that her back will be to the light, say
ing at the same time, Hey, gittaround-
here. wontchoo?' in a raucous and rasp-
Ing tone of voice. out of the southeastern
corner OF your face, as If you were adj
dressing pettish pet possum or an ele-
phantine Newfoundland purp. Just move
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-19

however terrific it may be conceded to be-
is inevitable, however, in view OF the fact
that there is supervision and. under
present conditions, can be no supervision
over the bronze and marble offerings sent
here by the states.
1t was suggested the other day that. in
asmueh as the people of the District OF
Columbia have no vote and therefore are
entirely helpless, that Congress might get
desperate some fine day and, under the
guise of an outburst of generosity. pass
bill or a resolution giving these effigies
TO the National Capital and authorizing
that they be put in public places. green
rectangles and Towering parks here and
there about the city.
But this cannot be. Even Congress, as
thoughtless as it sometimes Is. could not
work itself up to the climax of cruelty
that would result In such action as this.
Lobbying to prevent the passage of
measure designed to this end would not
be necessary. All that would be required
would be to lead each member of the
House into Statuary Hall on gloomy
day when it is sdank and cold and cheer
less there, and leave him alone with his
own thoughts for half an hour or SO. 1t
is true that there. are few effigies there
which are conceded by men who are
known to possess artistic qualities, but
after the member lured there had looked
awhile at some of those that are in this
class, 1t Is safe bet that he would re-
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-19

1t is true that the committee is work.
ing under a bill to prohibit the storage
OF perishable food products for longer
period than six months in the District OF
Columbia. but at the same time the in
quiry was begun with the idea of making
Ii as wide and complete possible.
and members of the special committee
have been allowed the greatest latitude
in their interrogations.
In the early part of the inquiry the
committee secured some testimony which
may or may not be valuable. but which
on its face. at least, appeared to be
worth while following to a conclusion To
determine whether or not there is a
tail food trust in the District of Column
bia. and whether or not the boycott is
frequently used as matter of discipline
and in order to keep prices at the high
est level.
At the present rate OF progress the
committee will be in session until the
end of Congress without learning any
thing of vital Importance TO the District.
however much knowledge IL may acquire
with reference to cold storage conditions
here and elsewhere. This will not be
time lost. of course. but at the same
time the people of the District have ex-
pected something else. This is one OF
the most expensive municipalities in the
United States. and il would not be q
bad idea TO find out why.
IRVING c. NORWOOD.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-19

ting as much smoke in his eyes as ever
proceeded from the main chimney of a
Pittsburg nail factory: and It is ludicrous
for you to deliberately do anything while
hooking her up that Is calculated To
make you feel any more mudredous than
you naturally feel in such circumstances
Just rest the cigar on the edge of the
birds s-eye maple chiffonier taking pains
to put the lighted end so close to the edge
thereof that it'll burn a neat and unsignt-
~ hole In the wood while you're working
at the hooking job and you'll get along
better.
VOLTA! as we say at the French chefs
ball. VOLTA! Now you begin to hook her
up.
You must take IL for granted that she's
going to wriggle and squirm while you're
on the job.
She can't help 1t. She may be as re-
poseful as an Image OF Galatea at all
other conceivable times: but iust as soon
as she finds that you are hooking her up
why, she is for the surest little thing you
know going to begin to hula-h around
like Maud Allen or Gertrude HOFFMAN,
spelling a Grieg suite.
She generally is impelled to put that
little black court plaster patch alongside
her left eye (requiring reaching move
ments) just when you're beginning to
hook her up; or maybe she'll be wanting
to pat-a-cake her puffs; or she'll observe
a little drifted smudge OF powder at the
corner of her left eye, and she'll want
to rub that out: or she'll want to fix her
hair net in any other old way differing
from the way 1t is already fixed; or she'll
discover that the guimpe OF her dress
(Kind o poor. that 'guimpe' number.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-19
Reclamation of Swamp Lands.
I'M the Louisville Courier-JournaI.

From the Louisville Courier-JournaI.
The assertion was made recently by B.
F. Yoakum that there are in the Missis-
sippi valley $4,000, eco acres of the richest
land in the world, which can be brought
under the pillow by drainage. Those who
have been lamenting the scarcity of pub
lie lands need not fear on that account
an exhaustion of means for agricultural
expansion.
Not alone in the Mississippi valley, but
in the Ohio valley and in various parts
of the country are vast tracts of land
which in the future will be reclaimed
by drainage. These lands. at one time
regarded practically worthless except
for such timber as they contained, are
constantly increasing in value. All along
the Mississippi valley the question Of re-
claiming swamp lands is beginning to re-
ceive attention. In some Of the states
bordering on the Mississippi. we'll plan
ned movements already are under way
for draining immense areas of such
lands. In some localities along the Ohio
lands have been rendered tillable by
drainage.
The drying out of wet land is a simpler
proposition than the irrigation of dry
land, which has been undertaken on so
extensive a scale in several of the west
ern states 1t requires enormous work
and continuing expense to transform a
desert into a producing field. Neverthe-
less such things are being done all over
the west. The swamp lands of the south,
once the water is removed. are highly
fertile, and when put under cultivation
will produce tremendous crops.,ss=.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-19

turn to the House and vote to hire a hall
or dig subway or do something else
that would relieve the District of Column
bia OF the necessity of viewing this col
lection of monstrosities in the open.
Some of the statues would not be SO
bad by themselves. but they look out
iandlsh in their present company. For
instance. there is Ethan Allen of Yer
mont. The inspired artist had depicted
Ethan in cold marble. but with lots of
action. He is about ten feet tall. wears
a hat like a waste paper basket and
has hand like a Smithfield ham. He
looks as il he was about to go into ac
ton and lick about six of his marble
and bronze colleagues without stopping.
To his right is about a five-foot statue
OF one Muhlenberg of Pennsylvania, who.
no doubt, was an estimable gentleman in
his day, but who appears in the not too
bright light of Statuary Hall as about
to indulge in that acrobatic pastime
known to the youth of this day and
generation as "the Boston split
little to Mr.. Aliens left is John G.
Calhoun, whose expression inspires the
belief that he would feel better if he
could get down from his perch for
moment and bite somebody on the leg.
Immediately across from this fiery south
erner is Frances E. Willard. shrinking
into the scenery.
One statue that has attracted great
deal of attention since its arrival in
Statuary Hall is that of former Senator
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-19

that us termed the habitual dining-out
class.
The undersigned frankly confessed him
self unable to fathom the psychology or
the psych-anything-else of the chap. or
the chapess, who is proud to be known
as habitual diner out. After a some
what protracted and varied experience as
an involuntary diner out covering
periods when he was more or less lack
ing in sure-enough home). the present
writer unqualiiedly declares that he would
regard sentence compelling him to
dine in a New York restaurant every
evening amy one restaurant, or all the
restaurants alternately as good deal
more irksome and CALLING and deemed
unpleasant, generally. than sentence to
be worked out in Moundsville or Atlanta
But the near-blithe and almost-glad-
some regular diners out of this town
appear TO think that they're having fun
right along and so we shall not seek to
take 1t away from 'em. Somebody must
have wished the dining-out habit on
Them and they are welcome to 1t.
OF late they are demanding the afore-
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-19

to that. however, big crowds would visit
the place anyhow.
WELL. the singing idea started a whole
'" lot of unusual stunts in the gayer
restaurants of the all-night type in New
York.
Recently I saw ridiculous Cbut anus
ing. for all that stunt pulled at one of
the everybody-knows-it restaurant on
9th avenue. At table about in the mid
die of the main room Of the restaurant
sat three quite unmistakable young
Frenchmen, partaking of food and drink.
1t was about O'Clock in the morning
and all 9TH avenue restaurants are just
about beginning to smoke up and get
lively at that hour of the morning.
The three young Frenchmen were In
impeccable evening clothes. and they ap-
peared to be having a pairfect1y delight
full little time. Presently, however, the
voices OF two of them rose In what
seemed to be decided anger. The two
apparently angry ones were letting each
other have 1t right smack-dab from the
verbal shoulder to employ one Of those
cunninly twisted metaphors. Oh, they
seemed to be so ang-gree. neighbors!
We all looked up interestedly, of course.
We all love to hear wrathful Gallicisms
1t doesn't sound brutal as wrathful-
ness in our own tongue. you know. And
us Anglo-Saxons. anyhow. you perceive.
have a deeply Embedded habit of viewing
all persons who don't wrangle, or make
love, or conduct business, In the English
language, just as jokes. anyhow. haven't
we? We have. So that's settled.
Well the two angry French chaps with
their cute little upturned mustaches and
their high-colored cheekbones and their
flashing eyes and things) just jawed and
jawed at each other, and finally. as by
a common impulse Of wrath, they both
jumped to their feet.
"Cochon rougen Kissed one of them
at the other. their faces being only about
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-19

that way Just you try beginning at the
bottom hook and then making your hook
ing way upward, and see where you'll
come out at the finish. 1t ought to be
called hooking her down, because you
always begin at the top, around the neck.
don't you? But it's a world Of conces-
sions, and so We'll stick to the vernacular
and continue to call it hooking her up.
In the first place, then, you want to
learn to go about this job of hooking
her up with patience and complacency.
It's miserable work for a male creature,
of course: miserable and depressing and
dispiriting and Misunderstanding that's
granted In advance; but it's part Of the
game. all the same, and it doesn't annex
or accumulate you anything to approach
the job In a gruntful. huh-huh-ing or
well-Ill-be-dinged humor. Doesn't get
you a thing. So be nice, be nice! You
ought to be pretty bally glad you know
las we say around Ramsgate Circus and
Regent street,, that you've got some-
thing nifty and three-X-like and got-it-
on em-sort-o' that requires hooking up.
or course, you must take 1t for granted
that she's going to call for you to hook
her up just at the moment when you're
about how Mr.. Taft said it is the best
tariff bill ever passed or the Washington
teams pennant chances in 1910
You must not fall into the erroneous
belief that you're the only one who's
summoned to do the hooking-up thing Just
at the instant when you're sunk the deep
est In the Morris chair and most interest
ed in the printed matter of the day.
We all have to stand for that All Of
'em who need hooking up have a genius
for issuing the summons at the inoppor-
tunist moment.
1t is understood, of course. that the
knowledge that you've got to hook her
-gloomily anticipatory spirit from the time
that you leave the dinner table. But when
she calls from the other room. well.
dearie. I'm ready now meaning of
course. that she's ready to be hooked up.
1T isn't going to do you or anybody else
any good to exude a long. wailing "Oh,
WELL" or "Uh-huh-be right there" or to
ask her why she doesn't send for the
nearest hook and ladder compan or to
petulantly inquire If the hooking-in-f front
back on earth while you're still an inhab-
liant Of II.
They're perfectly familiar with 1t, have il
they simply can't help viewing you as
rum when you pull those antique num-
bers. The writer hereof isn't going to
ask that you look pleasant and classified
about it. That would be exacting too
much. Just cancel whatever preliminary
observations pop into your mind, that's
all; for preliminary observations. in these
circumstances, are more or less bound to
terminate peeve; and we just can't
happen to think. at this moment. of any
thing more inutile or futile than a peeve
when you're approaching the job Of hook
ing her up.
Don't bear down upon her. in response
upon picking her up bodily and inconti-
nently chucking her out Of the window. It
is desirable that you should try, at this
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-19

how, that these phrases are meant
My justification for claiming that
they're not on the level and not meant
when Englishmen rattle them off.
that isis that I've been spending all
of my half years in England during
the past twenty years and more, winch
figures me up as having lived ten years
in England altogether. / Am familiar
with the points of view of all classes
of Englishmen, high and low, and IL
know anything at all and am capable
of formulating Impressions into words
/ believe l am entitled to speak with
knowledge of what Englishmen think
of Americans. In doing this it Is al
was necessary to generaliZe bit; but
all of my own congratulations are sup
ported by instances in my own expert
ence.
THE English. then, do not love the
Americans Let me make it a bit clearer.
The English do not like Americans
Starting from there, let me dip into the
that the English absolutely and liter
ally despise Americans. l Will add that
their feeling Of detestation for us Is
growing all the time.
-.
Now, you don't get that view Of the
situation from Downing street. Diplo-
matte exchanges between the two govern
ments, of course. tell no such story. The
no particular ranking incidents to add
just now to the absolute detestation with
which Englishmen, bulking them together.
regard Americans. But l declare in all
gravity that the English are despising us
more all the time.
II have never taken the pains, nor do
/ feel any inclination to take the pains, to
analyze the reasons why the English peo
pie detest Americans. But l do know that
that condition exists all over England and
wherever there are Englishmen For rea-
sons of policy a certain half-hearted at
tempt is made by Englishmen in high
places to screen this feeling. But the
American who comes in close contact with
Englishmen of all grades cannot fail to
become convinced at a very early stage
of his domicile among them of the pro-
found aversion which they have for us.
"They merely tolerate us. That's about
the size of it, Their habitual attitude to-
ward Americans in England is the pa
tronizing attitude. They condescend to
accept us within certain limitations. But
we really are not much more than KAT
frs or Hottentots to them.
..Once in while some really big minded
Englishman soundly trounces his country
men for the habitual attitude of SNUG
superiority which they assume toward all
other peoples; but such trouncings do no
good whatever. The Englishman of life
long. indurated arrogance is not to be
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-19
The Boyhood Of the Period.

From the st. Louis Globe Democrat.
We have never been Of those finding
the seeds of decay in the rising genera
ton. We have remained optimistic in
the belief that the boys of the present
day are. at bottom, just what the boys
of forty years ago were. New environ
ments have somewhat modified the type,
in places. Life in large communities has
grown too complex for the boy to flourish
at his best, or his worst, as one may
choose to view him. Much of a boys
best may be found in his worst, always
within the limitations of the boys code,
which is as immutable as the laws of the
Modes and Persians, though it has never
been written and never spoken. Our faith
in the survival of these laws has moved
us to repeat protest against the pessimism
which croaks that the pace we are now
going is destroying the mental and moral
fiber of the rising generation and giving
it morbid and unhealthy views of life
in place of the robustness of a generation
ago. Answering the complaint that new
modes and manners have been poisoning
the springs of juvenile life, we have an
swered that these springs lie too far up
toward the mountain tops and are still
too near heaven for the hand of the
poiSoner to reach.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-19

space around the walls has been utilized.
No one has been able to suggest yet
where the other fifty statues are going to
he put. If they are set down here and
there over the floor space of Statuary
Hall they will make that chamber of
horror" as Representative Mann of Illi
nois calls it, look like densely populated
graveyard of the nations great and will
clutter it up so completely that the I'M
familiar visitor will have to hire guide
to get through.
There has been a great deal of talk
about Statuary Hall and the quality of
some of the art that has been dumped in
there by the various states. The result,
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-19

later to have these Pilgrims dinnerisms
done into a neat little brochure for pri-
vate distribution. If / do I'll call the
brochure Some Specimens of Superheated
Steam. Vapored by Vinous Elderly Cen
tlemen With a Gift for Platitudinous-
ness or some other simple little title like
that. Everybody will understand that
they are Pilgrims dinnerisms. though.
II call them Pilgrims dinnerisms be-
cause they are phrases emitted at the
semi-annual Pilgrims dinner in London
and New York by the Pilgrims and their
guests. These phrases of mutual amity-
the amity supposed to exist between the
United States of America and England
slide off the tongues of the Pilgrims at
their dinners right trippingly. Some of
the gentlemen VINO deliver themselves of
these phrases really imagine that they
themselves mean them when they are CIV
ing utterance to them. They also imagine,
perhaps, that folks who know the real
10 say. with which Englishmen regard
Americans-accept these fine. sonorous.
saccharine, syllabubbish phrases as words
possessing some meaning.
AT this moment haven't the notes of
my compilation with me; but i Will exude
d few of these phrases offhand that are
sprung with. such joyous rataplan at the
Pilgrims dinners.
the klnShlp or language, me ties
of blood Our cousins overseas, The
mother country proud OF her offspring
Blood is thicker than water with ma
tions as well as Individuals The
Briton and the American against the
world United by the bond of COM
mon speech 'Anglo-Saxons OF the lit
tie island and OF the great continent
Americans. offspring of the tight lit
tie. right little isle'-I could pile the
list up pyramidally. But there's no oc-
casion for pulling over the whole stock
now.
Now, Americans are great newspa-
per readers. and they are perfectly ia
miliRr with these Pilgrims dinner
isms. Some, perhaps. accept them as
being on the level They imagine. any
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-19

stance these gentlemen and their hobbies
happen to be at cross purposes, SO much
the better. Some radical members of
the club think that as long as the Hon.
Gift Pinchot was on hand the other night
to ride his little hobby that the Hon
Dick Ballinger should have been invited
and given ten minutes as well. Jim JEFF
fries and Jack Johnson are suggested as
an excellent pair for next hobby night
Probably they would be invited if the
board of governors was convinced they
would confine themselves to all argu-
ments. Furniture costs money and the
press club is just getting on its feet
IN calendar Wednesday Of last week.
~ when the House judiciary committee
had the floor, there were many members
who wished. in a reminiscent sort Of way.
that Senator Bankhead of Alabama was
back in the lower branch ofs Congress,
just for a moment or two.
Richard Wayne Parker of New Jersey
is chairman of the House judiciary COM
mittee. He is q most estimable gentle
man, but exceedingly choleric, and liable
to blow up on the slightest provocation.
Also he resembled an English country
squire. having fine vintage color and
wonderfully arched chest, which he
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-19

two inches apart as they leaned across
the table; whereupon the one who had
thus been unkindly alluded to as a GRIM
son pig picked up one of his unimpeach-
able white evening gloves and drew it,
smack-wise, right across the angry coun-
tenanee of the name killer-zip. Just like
that you know.
Some classy. what? 1t certainly was.
The real old French Jockey Club fight
ing signal, that glove stuff. And So we
gaped. Reuben wise. with wide-open fa-
ciaI orifces. What, a duel? Uh-huh. 1t
sure looked like it, And there we Were.
as alfalfa growers, right on the job Of
looking at the inception of the duel. you
see. Wasn't it elegant?
Suddenly the two oh-so-angry young
Frenchmen leaped away from their table
and took their places in the aisle. facing