The Oakes times., 1910-12-22
leave me to be hit and smashed all to

leave me to be hit and smashed all to
6inders''
The deacon sighed with relief. He
had had jaw with tin peddier two
weeks before and was afraid 1t had
got to Mrs. Dolby. He turned to the
circular to read that the other folding
beds Of America had folded up on
5000 people in the last ten years. while
the None-Such had behaved itself like
a real lady. You didn't have to spike
1t down or use Il logchain. 1t stayed
where you put 1t and never wandered
away.
"Yes. the Japs have got mad again.
Mrs. Fletcher says. and this time they
are real mad and are going to shoot
She says they have gun that will
thsow bomb 500 miles. and we have
not one tha: will throw so They will
just stand off 500 miles and lombard.
and where will we be! She thinks
may be the first one killed"
Mrs. Dolby was looking up through
her tears. but she did not catch the
faint smile on the de;lcon's face 1t lin
gered as he read that the None-Such
cured insomnia. indigestion and nerv-
Gus disorders by wooing sleep. Try
all the beds in America. but you must
come back 10 None Such in the end.
Doctors everywhere recommended it.
and hospitals everywhere were order
ing It, So great was the demand that
orders must be sent six months III ad-
7ance.
"You are a man. Samuel" continued
tender hearted babe could manage the
None-Such. No hitching of yoke of
oxen to pull the foot down at night.
The newest None-Suches were equip
ped with the wireless system. and one
could lie there between the sheets and
communicate with his mother -in-law
a thousand miles away.
Samuel, I've been good wife to
you. I've made over thirty barrels of
soft soap since we was married. and
l can't begin to tell how many carpet
rags I've sewed. I've allus tried my
hardest to help you get along; but. as
said. I'm old and lame and homely.
and l don't blame you for wanting
Japanese bomb to strike me. Then you
can get married to some sixteen-year-
old girl and go around to circuses and
picnics. You can stay down cellar
while the Japs lombard"
No wife could make fairer offer,
but the deacon didn't appear to be
greatly Interested. That circular went
on to say that If None-Such with a
music box in the springs was preferred
the order must so state. Lying down
on the bed would start the music and
save the cost and trouble Of going to
the opera. Caruso and Melba could be
heard singing under the bed without
cent extra cost. This feature was pat
ented in fifteen different countries and
must not be infringed. The deacon was
almost hearing Caruso's high notes
when Mrs. Dolby said:
"But while I'm willin' to die for your
sake, Samuel. don't want to be killed
by bomb. 1t would jest tear me all to
pieces. Mrs. Fletcher says. and there'd
be no funeral. I've thought of better
way. brung in the ax while you was
gone. and I'm going to ask you to
knock me in the head with it. Hit me
jest as hard as you can and bust my
skull in!'
That was another fair offer, but the
deacon only cracked his toes over it
and made no reply. The circular told
him that the Nonc-Such could also he
fitted with an apparatus to throw 4
sleeper out Of bed at any hour desired
in the morning. and throw him hard
Beware of any folding bed that
claimed to keep out flies in summer
! and save half the coal in winter. They
were put on the market by scoundrcls
Of the deepest dye.
Furnishes Weapon to End All.
"And here is tile ax. Samuel" said
Mrs. Dolby as she rose up and placed
it at his right hand. "You will find
your shirts with the buttons all on and
your socks all mcndcd. Give me the
best funeral you can. but don't he ex-