The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1910-08-14

exer passed, Absolutely, sdiu Inc ooi-
killer
Then you think the number of per-
sons who need your professional serv-
ices is falling OFF, I prompted, spurred
on by the hope of gathering some adj
mission that would permit me- to proper
ly enroll The Foollxiller In the Interna-
tional Galaxy Of Dead Ones
Not at ALL" corrected The Foolkiller.
by no means. On the contrary don't
seem to remember when the crop was
larger. The acreage this spring was mag
nificent But science and progress have
been of great assistance to me In my
business in recent years. There was a
time back in the Middle Ages when man 8
wants were so few and his ambitions
were so limited that 1 had to thin out
the years yield with a pestilence or a
large war every little while. These oper-
ations were conducted on wholesale
basis and naturally lacked finish But
these times when there are so many
fatal luxuries and man-killing necessi-
ties on the market, I have only to sit
back and let nature take its course, as
it WERE And yet the supply always
seems to be equal to my demand. It's
strange thing but there never ap-
pears to be any race suicide among the
parents of the class who. some philoso-
pher has said, are born at the rate OF
one every minute and sometimes twins.
There certainly has been magnificent
output in my line this season"
So saying, The Foolkiller stretched
himself back in his seat with a happy
smile. He was appropriately attired for
one of his calling He wore the con-
ventional black with a broad band OF
crepe on the left sleeve and the white
cotton gloves of an honorary pallbearer.
He had just landed when l saw him,
from his famous automatic, self-rocking
rowboat. Under one arm he carried the
original unIoaded Mexican War musket.
which you often read of in the papers
as having hung over the mantelpiece AZ
years in a rusty condition until 6-year-old
Cuthbert took it down and, in his bright,
artless, childish way, pointed 1t at MS
baby sister, with the interment next
Thursday in the family lot. One Of his
coat pockets bulged with a quart OF fresh
toad stools disguised as wild mushrooms
and in another was quantity OF poison
wv mixed with Indian turnip. For pic
mic purposes exclusively, he told me these
were On his shoulder perched his favor
lite pet-a common housefiy, with lts Ieet
unwiped and q dropping mustache just
by his makeup, felt confident L would
have known him anywhere.
'IJp until a comparatively recent pei
Rod, | had my work cut out for me
at this season of the year. resumed
The Foolkiller. Summer was the pusl-
est season in my trade, naturally. But
all through the year I was constantly en-
gagged In slipping something over on
those who seemed to stand most IN neeo
of my ministrations- In me you behold
the creator of tight lacing and the real
inventor of the high heel. 1t was
who first clasped size % corset around
the form of the stout lady who has one
pipe in her larger than that I have
encouraged cold bathing in winter time
among persons with bad hearts. / have
prompted persons with weak lungs TO
sleep in Theoretically sealed rooms with
a drum stove and the window frames all
nailed fast. I couldn't begin to call Off
to you how many young mothers I've
taught that the proper way to quiet
fretful child was by giving 1t 10 drops
every hour of Mother Whitecasket' )
Lullaby Laudanum Mixture, until the de-
sired results have been permanently at
tanned. 1 am responsible for the mass
play In football and the scheme of try
ing to push two crowded Sunday excur-
sion trains by each other on the same
track was my own Idea
1.-THE kind of patent medicine that will
cure whatever ails you fol 81 bottle
one heaping teaspoon full before every
meal until the undertaken comes, never
had a more consistent friend and we'll
wisher than the present speaker. I am
t,1~ r. a
lures out into the deep water the mex
perfenced swimmer who doesn't want
some total stranger on the bank to
think he's afraid-and kinks a couple of
cramps In his legs. taught the yauth
of the nation the pastime known as blow
ing down the gun barrel, and I made
rocking the flat-bottomed skiff the most
popular aquatic sports among the
young.
But, on the whole, 1 think my great
est successes up until here just recently
we're accomplished with the aid of sail
boats Young haberdashers on their va
cations have always been my favorite
material. Back In the store, one of these
blithe youths wouldn't undertake of his
own accord to steer anything more vio-
lent than a collar button through but
ton hole or four-in-hand around his
first two fingers to show you what Is
known in the haberdashing line as a
truly swagger effect, but down by the
sounding sea, wearing a pair of white
pants that are too large for him In the
waistband, he becomes a daring sailor
and is filled with desire to take a
couple of summer girls out and give them
a. treat That's where I shine. I know
that once aboard the fugger all Will be
we'll because 1t is well established
trade principle in my business that SIM
ply because a summer boy has to keep
hauling up on the slack of his white
ducks like a jack tar in musical show,
that doesn't necessarily make deep sea
mariner of him. And about the only
time knowledge of the sailors horn
pipe comes in handy is when he's tread
ing water Just to pass the time away
until the hfe-savers can reach him.
yes, every time the brave lad from
the neckwear and hosiery department
takes Name and Gertfe outside the
breakwater when half a gale Is blow
ing-the last half, 1t usually Isl
know my batting average is due for a
fattening. think scored about $50
on summer resorts along the first year
they introduced the style Of cat-rigged
O. back somersault every time anybody
tries to jibe her. They were truly
pleasure craft, and the pleasure was all
mine.
But along about 1900 1t looked as
If I was due for lull True, the plan
of stuffing the life preservers on wood
en- excursion steamers with a poor
quality of breakfast food and making
~ ha al nf q M in