New-York tribune., 1910-06-03
DOCTORS APPLAUD GRlBER
Lawyer Speaks at Long Island
College Alumni Dinner
BIDS THEM ASK RETAIKEnS
Plymouth Pastor Also Responda
to Toast in Brooklyn Aoad-
'emy of Music.

The thirtieth annual dinner of the alumni
of the Long Island College HOSPITAL was
held last evening in the Brooklyn academy
af Music. and few dinners OF the sssocia
ton have passed of more equally. DR..
Nathaniel F. Rathbun presided The toasts
were:
Dr. William Francis Campbell. ''0fr Col
lege'': the Rev. DR.. Newell Dwight Hills
"Caeliostros OF the Twentieth Century"
and Abraham Gruber. Political Patent
Medicines
Mr.. Gruber's speech had in il rot little
hurnor that took the fancy of fire diners
He advised the doctors that wl5fie IL was
their duty to cure the sick, il was the duty
OF their patients TO pay their bfl4s. and he
added he believed they should. like certain
lawyers whom he could name. demand a
retainer.
Continuing. Mr.. Gruber said:
When 1 have been sick. doctors have
for the advice Now doctors. hoping am
well. bid me eat with them, and they pay
the bill. They even order for me in ad-
vance, and as began with the prescribed
cocktail and finished with the cordial I
saw a disguised attempt to compel me to
visit my Nj. ID. in Manhattan. Who would
What fools have you been with lately?'
In Continental countries / would be a
Doctor OF Laws, but in the United States
have no professional tag. But every
physician all ever the land is tagged as an
NJ D My Christian Science friends tell
me that that tag means more deaths"
Ny wife says it means more dieting
From what l see here tonight l think il
rieans merry Doctors and my rabbi tells
me ii means more dollars
young woman acquaintance of mine
who is Icing spooned by q doctor tells me
IL means much devotion But, anyhow.
a physician means to me q man of intelli-
gence, an unselfsh and unheralded hero
who works wonders, is a blessing TO man
kind, knows no caste, no race or social
dinerences-only duty and sacrifice. Maybe
NJ. D. means man deifed.'
The well turned compliment to the as
sembled doctors drew fsrth loud applause,
whereupon Mr.. Gruber proceeded to inform
his hearers concerning what he called the
maxims OF Marcus IEscuIapius McGinnis.
These were some of said alleged maxims:
An old maid patient on Brooklyn
Heights is worth six longshoremen in Cow
anus
always advise a patient to stop work
for six months. 1t makes him feel rich.
Never advise a letter carrier to take ex-
ercise, or man with political sinecure
to take a rest.
Be the family doctor whenever the head
OF the house thinks Roosevelt is a wise
man.
when father has been out with the boys
and mother calls you in a hurry, use Latin
terms in describing the trouble This will
make you solid with father.
Then, warming up TO his subject. which
was Political Patent Medicines Mr.. Cru
Der said:
Political patent medicines have always
been popular with the voters. Especially
is this true in times Of peace, when sick
ness in finance and business is prevalent.
and the relations between capital and labor,
the extinction of trusts and monopolies and
the money and property that the very rich
own are the troubles and ailments OF q
vast majority of the voters.
The doctor cares much for the result OF
his diagnosis. The political Quack not alone
does not care for one. but couldn't make
one II he tried. He has read in "Old Curl
osity Shop" that anything that makes a
the Mormon Bible that He that .bIoweth
not his own horn, the same shall not be
blown" He thinks he needs no more
knowledge, and then goes forth terror to
OF kings. kaiserS, cabinets. the Emmortals
Of France and the university leaders from
Egypt 10 London. making, however. but a
short and sensational stay in Rome.
II takes a lifetime TO know the truth
of any one subject, but the quack knows
everything about all things. In this he
shows that he is abnormal, and he is never
happy unless he makes the really learned
uncomfortable and sorely grieves the ju-
because he knocks spots out OF things. and
his followers would not be surprised II in
time he snorted fire and flame.
a thrice-crowned nominee for the Presi-
dency has given in succession not less
than twenty remedies. and is now flying
the prohibition banner as last call 10 the
Democracy. He may now be right. but
his prescription is one the heft of the
Democratic party will not want for its
stomach's sake.
This country Of ours is always more or
less sick. II is not in the nature of human
government to be wholly we'll We need
thoughtful leaders who will look for causes
OF Injustice and evil and knowing what
to cure will prescribe remedies strong, II
necessary but correct and beneficial.
President Taft is, ! am convinced. a ca
pable surgeon. He will not amputate sim
ply TO show his skill. and he will prescribe
only after he knows what the disease is,
and then only what the great experience
of an old practitioner will tell him is q sure
cure
AS we must give Uncle Sam a rest. let
Us also give President Taft the necessary
time and & fair chance. 1t is said that
Roosevelt nominated him: now let the
friends Of Roosevelt not be overzealous TO
find him guilty OF an unwise or unfit Sc
lection.