Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1910-04-28
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gets In hurry"
Il never worry or hurry" What
department Of the government service
are you in?"-Bunalo Express.
Miss Prim-I want husband who
will be easily pleased. Miss Crouch
That's the kind you'll get.-Life.
Mrs. Benham-You have torn my
trainl Benham-That's all right; your
your train is long enough to be In two
sections.-Judge.
Howard-Bridget, did my wife come
In few moments ago? Bridget-No,
sir. That's the parrot you hear a-hol-
lerin' .-Harper's Bazaar.
Doctor, how do you account for the
existence of rheumatism?" "The mind,
my dear. evolved the disease to fit the
word. Tribune.
Which Is the harder to write, verse
or jokesT Verse comes easier" re-
piled the press humorist. you have
to have an idea for joke"
Shopman Ito boy who has asked for
a penn orth of pills)-Do you want
them in box? Boy-Yuss, O course.
Think I'm goin' to roll 'em homer
Punch.
Were you ever in lover" asked the
sweet young thing. mo-" replied ths
bachelor, "but you can't mention any
other fashionable disease that l have
not had"
Teacher-Jimmy, you look very pale
this morning. Are you Ill? Jimmy
No. ma'am Ma washed my face this
morning herself. = Woman's Home
Companion.
Farmer Cat the grindstone) well.
why don't yer turn? City Nephew
Nix! Ye don't fool me ag'in. When
ever turn. ye go and bear down with
the ax!-Life.
How shall I break the news to my
parents that l have failed in my ex-
ams?" Merely telegraph them: 'Ex-
animation over. Nothing new!'"-
Fnegende Blaetter.
There's a masked man at the back
door" Horrors! Is he after my dia-
monds" mo, madam. He only wants
to borrow a can of gasoline. Louis
vile Courier Journal.
why don't you get an automobiler
Il don't know whether l could manage
one or not" "A poor argument. You
took the same chance, didn't you, when
you acquired wife?"
The Poet-Poetry should be written
on one side of the paper, shouldn't itf
The Editor-That depends on the
poetry; lots of it shouldn't be written
on either side.-Philadelphia Record.
"A man ought to be a good mechan-
ic in order to get satisfactory results
from an automobile" YES" answered
Mr.. Chuggins, but It's still better to
be good financier. Washington
Star.
Poets Wife-My husband read this
poem at public celebration before
thousands of people. Alas! 1t was the
last poem he ever wrote. Publisher
Did they lynch him or shoot him?-
! Leslie's Weekly.
Ever been locked up?" demanded
counsel Il have been," admitted the
witness. Aha And what had you
been doing to get yourself locked up?'
Il had been doing jury duty. Louis
vile Courier-Journal.
Miss Elder-The idea of his pretend
ing that my hair was gray! Miss Pep
perry - Ridiculous! Miss Elder
Wasn't it, though? Miss Peppery-
Yes, just as if you'd buy gray hair!-
Catholic Standard and Times.
The Doctor-Mrs. Murphy, you must
be at your husbands side continuous
ly, as you will need to hand him some
thing every lite while. Mrs. Murphy
-Niver, doctor! Fur be it from me
to hit a man whin he's down!-Puck.
Il thought ordered. quail!" Oats
quail, sub" Quail nothing! That's
chicken" at was chicken, sub, but
It seed me a-comin'" What has that
to do with it?" "De sight of cullud
pussol always makes a chicken quail.
suh!"
Father-Bobby, I'm surprised to see
you ClgAh bCSouSS OOC otoA6 yOO-
Brace up and act like man. Bobby
yves; an then y-you'd gimme a
lickin'. Y-you told me w-what you'd
do to me if you e-ever heard me
u-usin' that kind of Language.
How can tell" asked the Gus
toner, whether l am getting tender
meat or not?" There's only one sure
way, ma'am," said the butcher. AN
that's by eatin' of it." But have to
buy it before can do that" "Yes'm;
that's the beauty of the prescription"
Guardian-You say you are going to
marry a man In order to reform him.
That is very noble of you. May ask
who 1t Is? Ward-Its Mr.. Oolbyrd.
Guardian-Indeed? l wasn't aware
that he had any bad habits. Ward
Yes. His friends say that he is be-
coming quite miserly.-London Sketch.
Little boy" asks the well-meaning
reformer. "is that your mamma over
yonder with the beautiful set of furs?'
Yes, sir" answers the bright lad.
We'll. do you know what poor animal
It Is that had to suffer in order that
your mamma might have the furs with
which she adorns herself so proudlyY'
Yes, sir-my papa."-B. c. Saturday
Sunset
when I was once in danger from a
llon," said an old African explorer. II
tried sitting down and staring at him,