The San Francisco call. [volume] (San Francisco [Calif.]) 1895-1913, 1910-04-25
INSURGENTS WIN
FIGHT NCOMET
Motion to Bump the Earth
Defeated-Smoker of
House Loses Job
By ARTHUR L. PRICE


only by the breaking of party lines.
The interests wanted to strike the
earth in the vicinity of Wall street, in
the hope that a little gold would stick
in passing, but the Irregular party,
while having no love for Wall street,
considered the welfare of the rest OF
the planet and took the stand that IT
have collision.
AS a consequence of the debate in
congress today, Uncle Big Gun, the
revered Smoker of the House. lost his
job. The Irregulars are casting dice
tonight for the honor of becoming
Smoker of the House.
When the population of Halley's
comet first caught a glimpse of the
earth through their telescopes with the
famous 19 mile reflector, 1T was thought
by the Higher Ups that it would be
great sport to work up collision. The
annual election of Steerers of the
Comet, the most important position on
the big flyer, was held about the time
the telescope first picked up the earth
In the election, it was thought that
the Irregulars had elected their ticket,
but later it appeared that the Chier
Steerer was a regular and would be
tolerably willing to do anything that
the regulars called upon him to do. As
assistant steerers he selected men who
had been employed in the coal yards
of the interests and in other positions.
That is where all the trouble came.
William, the Chief Steerer, was ap-
preached early in the year by Uncle
Big Gun, the head smoker of the
House, and by Allrich, leader of the
Senators, with the suggestion that ne
aid them in giving the world jolt
The Chief Steerer, who is noted as
man of good nature, laughed amlably,
but said that it wasn't his policy nor
the policy of his illustrious predecessor
(may the African tsetse fly do its
work. to do anything that might re-
bound to the disaster of the Regular
party. However, he intimated that the
Regulars might go as far as they llked
and when it became necessary for them
to resign in the face of popular dis
satisfaction he would give them tes-
timonial of honesty of purpose.
In the meantime the Regulars were
busy with their plans Mr.. John Pier
pont HALEY, from whom the Comet re-
ceives its name, was daily interviewed
by the press, but was enigmatical.
John Pierpont HALEY, as is well known
among the planets, in his private life
is kind and unassuming and would
deprecate any catastrophe such as
would come if the Comet and the Earth
hit each other.
In an interview published in the
Comets Tale on April 1. the national
holiday of the Comet, Mr.. John Pier
pont HALEY made the following state
ment:
.tAs is well known, 1 am a member
of the established Cometary church,
and have always been known for my
wide beneficences and my interest In
works of art 1t was through no fault
of\mine that this Comft was given my
name. That fact has Come about sim
plv because l came to own a majority
of the stock of the Comet. AS for
collision with the Earth. 1 do not care
to discuss that now. There are some
men on the Earth whom l may regard
as my colleagues. l believe there are
two who own the Earth-parucularly
Mr. Morgan and. Mr.. Rockefeller-and
for them I have a fellow feeling.
would hate to think that they might be
injured.
..Still. bushes is business, and there
is no question but that we must find
new markets for our trade and new
lands for our surplus population.
ION these accounts, If the master
minds of this Comet-meaning, you
know, Uncle Big Gun and Mr.. Allrich
If they should decide that the needs
of the Comet demanded collision with
the Earth, | would be the last to go
against their will. / realize that If this
Comet and the Earth come together
there would be a tremendous loss of
life and property but as long as that
did not damage my interests or those
of my friends l could not permit that
fact, however grim, to stand in the
way of advancement, particularly since
we are led to believe that ultimately
such collision would be of immense
value to civilization and the proprietors
of this Comet, among whom l may
modestly claim to be one"
This Indifferent attitude of Mr.. John
Pierpont HALEY did little to assuage
the fears of the people on the Comet,
for there was Il decided lack of faith
in the disinterestedness of Mr.. HALEY.
The matter came up for decision in
the Cometary House this morning.
Uncle Big Gun, the Smoker of the
House. moved that under the rules the
Chief Steerer and his assistants be in
structed to steer the Comet into the
Earth The motion was ably supported
by members who are in Mr.. John Pier
pont Halley's employ.
The Irregulars and the Outsiders
combined and defeated Uncle Big
Guns motion, and passed another order
prohibiting him from riding his bicycle
on the tail of the Comet.
The Chief Steerer made a speech to-
night in which he declared that the
Irregulars had done irreparable injury
to the Comet because they refused to
take orders from Uncle Big Gun He
said that while he was too good
hearted himself to favor collision be-
| tween the Comet and the Earth. and
while he would have advised revision
downward of the course of the Comet
in passing the Earth, still the course
decided upon by the wise and rich
Uncle Big Gun and the richer and
| therefore wiser Mr.. Allrich should be
| supported by all men who owe their
| fealty to Mr.. John Pierpont HALEY
| Whose Comet is this?" shouted the
| Chief Steerer in laundering tones, as
| he reluctantly followed the plans of
| the Irregulars 'and revised the course
| of the Comet away from the path of
| the Earth. Whose is this but Mr.
| John Pierpont Halleys Comet? Didn't
1 L