The farmer and mechanic. [volume] (Raleigh, N.C.) 18??-19??, 1910-05-17
Mark Twain on the Babies.

which was held at the Palmer u
IN Chicago shortly after the great sol
dier's return home from his tour or
the globe, one of the speakers was the
lat. Mark Twain.
He was purposely put at the emo OF
the program because it was Well
known that he could hold the revei-
ers: and the toast to which he was
asked to respond was THE Babies"
Among other things, he said:
" have not all had the good for
tune to be ladies. We have not been
generals or poets, or statesmen, but
when the toaSts work down TO the pa
bies, we stand on common ground
(laughter)-for we have al beeh pa
bies. Iaughter.)
You soldiers all know that when
that little fellow arrived at family
headquarters 0 had to hand IN your
resignation. i~Laughter.) lie took en-
tire command. You became his lack
ey-his mere body servant-iaugh-
ter)-and YOU had to stand around
too. Iaughter.) He was not a COM
mander who made allowance for time,
distance. weather.. or anything else.
(ConVulsive screams.) You had to ex-
ecute his order whether il was posi-
BILE or nOt-(roars)-and there was
only one form Of machinery in the
manual Of tactics. and that was the
double-quick. (Shouts.)
He treated you witt every sort or
insolence and overwhelmingly
and the bravest Of you didn't dare
say a word. (Great laughter.) You
could face the death storm Of Donel-
son and V~icksburg. and give back
your whiskers. and pulled you hair
and twisted your nose, you a to
take it. (Roars.)
when the thunders Of war were
sounding in your ears, you set yours
face toward the batteries and ad-
vanced with a steady tread, but when
he turned on the terrors Of his wal
OBSERVATION-DISCLOSURES ~dvanc III
the other direction, and mighty glad
Of the chance, too. (ReneWed laugh
ter When he called for soothing
syrup did you venture TO throw out
any remarks about certain services
being unbecoming an officer and a
gentleman? (Boisterous laughter.)
No, you got up q g got It. (Great
laughter.) II the baby proposed to
talk a walk at his usual hour. w
o'clock in the NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS.
didn't you rise promptly and remark
with a mental addition which would
not improve a Sunday School book
(much laughter)-that It was the
very thing you were about to propose
yourself? (Great roars.)
oh, you were under good discip-
line-Qaughter)-and you vent fait-
ering up and down the room in YOU
undress uniform-Caughter} - you
not only prattled baby talk. but even
tuned up your martial voices n
tried to sing 'Rock-a-by-Baby in the
Tree Top for instance. (Great laugh
teri What a spectacle for an army Of
Observation-Disclosures what an
a fFliotioD f0o fI,a -4S~IN1uo {o~ f0~ -
IS not everybody within a mile around
who likes military music at } in the
morning. Uaughter.)
Eyes, 1t was high time for a toast
to the masses, to recognize the i'm
portance OF the babies. Gaughter.)
Think what is in store for the pres
emit crop. Fifty years from now we
shall all be dead, I trust-Oaughter)
and then the flag, II it still survives,
n let US hope that it may, will be
ioaung over a republic numbering
settled laws OF our increase. Our pres
ent schooner of state-Caughter)-
will have grown into a political Levi
athan-a Great Eastern. The era
died babies OF today will be on deck.
Let them be Well trained. for we are
hands. IAughter.)
Among the three or four million
cradles now rocking in the land are
some which this nation will preserve
Tor ages as sacred things, If we could
know which ones they are. In one
OF these cradles the unconscious Far
OF the future is at this moment
teeth1ng-Iaughter)-and putting in
a word Of dead earnest inartfcrlate
but perfectly ~justihable profanity
over 1t, too. -U4aughter.) In another
the future renowned &c
blinking at the shining milky wa
with but a liquid interest, poor little
cnap! and wondering what has he
come or the other one they call the
vet nurse. (Shouts.) In another the
luture great historian is lying-and
~aouptiess will continue to lie-(lauph-
t~erl--until his earthly NISSAN 10
ended" n u