davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1910-03-27

the thread of his discourse. "No? Well.
in my opinion nothing is so sad as a
young blade when he becomes an old
bore, but when I get started along this
line and begin to think of the lost OPP
portunities 1 run on and on like ticker
tape. But I'm most trough have a
date with Lucretia Borgia and III. II.
Holmes for this afternoon to play golf.
/ just wanted to add that l can think
of only one point where we of the old
school did the thing practically as it is
done today in the trade. I'm speaking
now of the little trick of squaring the
conscience and buying the promise of a
glorious eternity, at the latter end of
busy piratical life. 1 observe that 1t
costs somewhat more than it used to,
which may or may not be due to the in
creased plan of living, but the method
hasn't changed. When haru-work1ng
self-respecting pirate of my time grew
weary of massacre and murder and spells
he came ashore and settled down and
gave a few vestments or altar vessels
to the church, and because of that every
body agreed that his reformation must
indeed be complete and so he became a
respected citizen and felt entirely salts
fed with his prospects lot the hereafter.
The outlay was comparatively small and
the result, of course, gratifying in the
extreme. I note with pleasure that the
same system is still being generally prac-
ticed.
II recall only one pirate in all my
experience who seemed to doubt the
efficiency of atoning for life of loot
by a few minutes of benefactions and
gift giving in the last chapter. He
was the old master of us all. He had
more separate and distinct ways of
rounding up the doubloons and the
pieces Of eight than all the rest Of us
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1910-03-27

ana yet 1t was entirely practical-if we'd
only known.
But no. we weren't In on the ethics
The higbav. r,athoaa 90 ,,,a,, .,,o.a.,,t
-. -
i'iiy ueVeiopeo untii ali the pest pirates
quit the sea and located in Wall street.
We depended on the favor of the princes,
when we didn't depend. on our luck. And
so an,+;r,a a ohan ooo,,ro, t., a.
-, -. -
inii4is'ialioh OF MS Imperial nlshhess woke
up some morning with bad disposition
and taste In his mouth of several things
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1910-03-27

the government aroused the ducal wrath
most fiercely, but provoked most comfort
Ing reflections in the poor streets of the
city. For when the tax is applied the
land will have TO earn it, and will be
leased rented or even sold by the out
ragged monopolist. Then Denmark will
no longer be able to supply England with
It's batter and the curse and problem of
Unemployment will become less insuper-
able.
1t Will be asked whether such duke is
not quite different from the general
ducal type. a very monster of selfish
cynicism. Let 1t be said in answer. to
begin with, that an area equal to half
the enclosed land of England and Wales
Is held by b25 peers. Twelve persons own
one-quarter of Scotland, 70 persons half.
and 100 about nlne-tenths Vfscount
Ridley states that members of the house
of peers own one-third of the land of
England.
In the next place the fruits of this
vast monopoly can be traced in the CEN
6us. The 20 years from 1881 to 1901 wit
messed the reduction of the number of
agricultural laborers from 9SS,919 to 6S9, 292.
a loss of 30 per cent, while the general
population of Great Britain increased by
more than seven and quarter millionsl
According to a government report on the
cause of this increase, 1.-The loss OF ZOO, 900
acres of arabic land In these 20 years
probably threw out of work from $1,000
to $1,000 laborers. So much for the gen.
eral fact and it's average consequence.
Meantime 10000 men have applied for al
lotments of land under the Smell holdings
act-and will have quite a nice long wait
before they get them.
My point is now that the Duke OF
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1910-03-27

NUAY and German dead left among
IL the living Thomas C. Plat and
* David B. Hill, and they soon re-
tired from the game of which they had
been such masterful players, and now
Piatt is dead and Hill has no more in
tention to again enter politics than he has
to go into the church. One of the instru-
ments the Prince of Orange employed
to gain the throne Of his wife's father
was Shrewsbury a son of an infamous
mother, but about the honestest man who
deal with public affairs of England. Of
that day. and we inherited our politics
from England, and have not improved it
either. Shrewsbury was a pillar of the
new regime. He saw the game when
traitors were yet in danger of the tower
and the block and the ak yet awed men
of state. He saw his colleagues guilty
OF q thousand treasons, and he dabbled
IN treason himself 1t is certain he con-
ferred with Berwick, with the bar-sinis-
ter, the greatest prince of the House Of
Stuart except Murray, also a bastard
What a different history the people who
talk our tongue would have had had he
been legitimate! William knew his favor
Ito and greatest minister was unfaithful,
but forgave him and would not allow him
to retire.
Afterward came Ann. and the Marlbor-
ough regime, overthrow by a chamber
maid, was succeeded by the Bolingbroke
regime. But that the old queen died 30
suddenly, and the vulgar thought of too
much and too constant drink, Boiling
broke would have brought back the
Stuart. AS it happened Shrewsbury
emerged. seized the reins and brought In
the House of Brunswick, the present
reigning dynasty.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1910-03-27

takes that occasion thousands of lawsuits
in our precious country the moment 1
write this. Each of those statesmen held
tue otter a rascal ever after, when in
fact they were only in error. One thought
it this way, the other thought it that
way. Inoeed, that brought on our great
Liz war of 1Ss1-65, but that was dis
agreement over a written compact.
I believe Tom Plat was thoroughly
honest man, and a heap honester po-
litically than some of the 'too-utterly-ut-
ter who rail at him. Ben Harrison was
also an honest man. Harrison would not
have promised Platt the treasury to be
President; Plat would not have made
Harrison President had he not believed
he had thai promise. Senator Elkins says
that no such promise was given, and he
was the intermediary between the two;
but there was the word patronage" and
chat may mean a. heap of things.
Plat thought he was to have the treas
ury. iJsi as Levi P. Morton thought he
was to get the place in 1880 And so
Plat, the best political manipulation then
living, went out and raised $4,000 cor
rupt:on fund to buy the election. The
money, with $4,000 raised by John Wan
aInaaer. was put in the hands of Matt
Quay TO marshal its legions and address
them to the crucial point of the battle.
That was Brooklyn. The democrats
thought they had the Empire state nailed
down, anc went on a wild goose chase
after Michigan for Don Diczinsons sake
Result: Quay bought Brooklyn and elect
ed Harrison.
Wei, Platt expected the treasury; Quay
expected everything, from charwoman in
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1910-03-27

ed, the ''pauper" pension bill would
nave remained dead, the trusts. il they
had waxed at all, would not have been
one-tenth for evil what they are. Tie
country would have been richer than II
is. and the wealth much more equitably
distributed-if Cleveland had been re-
elected in 1885. BY 1892 it was too late,
for the seeds of the panic of 1898 We're
found In the Sherman silver law and the
Mckinley tariff bill.
But government Is not an exact sci
ence The biggest fool that dabbies with
it may be nearer right than the wisest
man. A quacls has cured many case
that was the despair of the most learned
leech. jefferson said the government
that governs least is best. That is not
orr government, that this day has more
employees in its civil list than England
France and Germany together. The poet
Pope said the best government Is the
one best administered; that does rot take
In ours, either, where crime costs more
than S3,O00G00 every day OF every year.
Then another school holds that the best
government is that which costs least.
We are not in that class, to be sure.
Harkee our federal government costs
a billion annually and more, and car
ries on the civil list hundreds of thou
sands of officials and employees. when
one-half could do 1t better, il they knew
the duties and could be forced or per-
suaded to do them. Then there are DO
state governments, hundreds of county
governments, and thousands of municipal
governments, SO that If every German
carries a soldier on his back every
American is burdened with an office
holder on his back And this array is
continually increasing. Even under the
radlantly immaculate Roosevelt, l4uO
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1910-03-27

judge on the bench is probably the best
asset a live pirate could have in his bus
mess unless it is the statute of limita-
tons. From what I've been told gather
that many of your leading pirates would
hardly have gotten anywhere at all with
out the aid of the right kind of laws
and the right kind of courts; especially
those courts where the Judges have such g
high generation for the constitution that
they can't think of anything scarcely
that isn't unconstitutional. They have a
lot of other good available assets now
adays of which we know absolutely moth
ing-such as elephant quadrilles of heavy
weight corporation lawyers and troupes of
trained Pomeranian press agents, and
glded dens of captive United States SEN
ators hungrily surveying the surging
crowds and skilled lobbyists in Caledonian
sports and pastimes-but nothing, SO I'm
told. that Will compare with system OF
well-greased legal machinery
And we. In utter ignorance of all these
magnificent appliances for prosecuting the
profession of piracy went piking along,
getting in wrong with the authorities
and making bad finishes We only
trimmed people a shipload at time.
SHINING the whole populace simulta-
neously was beyond our widest dreams.
To our crude, untutored intellects it
seemed best when we wanted to remove
a competitor to just take an axe or
club or something and kill him on the
spot, which was mussy. but on the whole
efficacious. We had no idea how much
better and heater the job may be done
by employing modern methods and COM
bining big interests against him and
squeezing him and undermining him I'M
til finally his heart breaks inside of him.
I'm not keeping YOU up, am ~ asked
Captain Kidd, suddenly breaking in upon
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1910-03-27

the Philadelphia postoffice to a place in
the cabinet for a henchman. Harrison
ignored both. And that little duck-legged,
dish-faced man, Ben Harrison, was very
great man, as sure as you live. Intel
lectually he had no superior of that gem
Grafton. Unfortunately he had never been
taught. Or could not learn, to smile or
to snake hands. He was no hypocrite.
Could ycr have combined all that was ex-
ceilest II the personalities and intellect
ualities OF Ben Harrison and Dan Voor-
hees, you would have had a wonder.
Harrison made Blaine Secretary of State
and Blaine hoped and believed that Har.
rison would be wax in his hands as Gar
field was eight years earlier. Else Blaine
would not have allowed Plat to nominate
Harrison. Blaine, too, was as much os-
tracised as Plat and Quay Harrison
was very much President. and perhaps the
only one who could run every department
of his cabinet better than the man he
selected for it, not excepting the Secretary
of State himself. He was a great law
yer, and in the discussion of constitu-
tional questions in the Senate he ranked
with the best in that body; but he was
even more at home in executive station.
Next to the Republication of the admins
lfdllon ol droVer cleveland III 1888 py
the majority of the party that elected
him. the election OF Ben Harrison was the
greatest calamity our country has known
since the war. Had Cleveland been
elected in 1888, the Mills tariff bill wclld
have been enacted. the Sherman silver
law would never have been put on the
statute books. the gold standard would
have been established, the financial panic
of 1S99-s7 would have been avoided, we
would have had no Spanish war, the
rational debt would have been extiuguish-
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1910-03-27

kind of humid. I figured that it would
have been millions of dollars in my
pocket If I'd been born two hundred
years later than L was. SO far as my
own personal interests were concerned
other couple of centuries too soon
All of us felt the same way about It,
Hind you, I'm not saying that we
weren't a pretty husky crowd in our day.
Considering our limitations we did fairly
well. If one OF us undertook to work up
funeral you could be perfectly safe in
getting a little bet down that the corpse
would be there in time andalsothe mourn
ers. We delivered the goods. If we prom
ised captive that he should take lit
the board walk exercise, followed by nau-
teal exercises at a quarter past five
o'clock in the afternoon he didn't need to
be uneasy or feel unsettled in his mind
At the appointed hour the plank would
be waiting for him and whole ocean
would be there for him to drown in. We
enjoyed, for those days, large incomes;
we wore fancy dress clothes all the
time, and generally speaking we were
free spenders and put lot Of money into
circulation one way and another. But
outside Of that know now that as busi-
ness men we were in the green transfer
class.
Maybe 1t was because we lacked the
opportunities AS 1 was saying to our
resident member from New Orleans, La
ftte, suppose now for example that when
1t came to cutting up the loot among the
crew at the end of q successful voyage
the pirate captain of our day had owned
one of those cute little weighing devices
such as the sugar trust used until it got
caught, and reformed? He could have
declared a lovely pirate dividend for him
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1910-03-27

nut together. He never overlooked
bet on the high seas or remembered
one on the witness stand. But after
awhile he reached the age where he
began to have symptoms instead of
emotions. He lost his teeth until his
face folded up like crush hat and he
lost his hair, until, without his false
gray front, his dome made you think
that his mother must have been badly
frightened by a boiled onion at some
stage of her early married life. And
then he started in to endowing and
bestowing and founding, and slather-
ing the contributions around something
scandalous. l needn't tell you his
name, because. of course. this happened
a great many years ago, but at the
time he had everybody talking about
his generosity and his piety and his
gentleness and goodness and all. But
a few persons stood out and cast as
pensions on his motives, and l guess
maybe what they said sank into his
skin and ranked in him. for all of
sudden he turned in and created trust
fund that was bigger than anything in
the whole history of pirate philan-
thropy. So that, of course, settled It
in everybody's mind and 1t was unanf-
mously agreed that no matter what his
past life might have been he'd put
salt on the tail OF a glorious immortal
ity that would last for all posterity.
From that time on he was the envy
of every other pirate in the business"
l got up here to go, and after I'd
promised to quote him correctly we
shook hands and parted. But just as
was starting out and had got to the
door, Captain Kidd hailed me.
by the way" he called out. has
anybody estimated how many millions
TAk n aAf--
new Rockefeller foundation of his that's
just been incorporated?'
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1910-03-27

like honest men, to print the thing entire,
and it is not long; but they did dare, like
towards, to garble it. However let that
go. Politically, John G. Carlisle is now
part of history is Rhadamanthus, thank
God!
But to get back to Plat. He was the
greatest of the disciples of Thurlow
Weed. IIe was greater than Quay or
Golmar, or Hill. He even made Mark
Hanna know him for master-twice. Had
he been 10 years younger he would have
nominated Tom Reed in 1885, and what a
blessing that would have beeni Spain
would Fave retired without the war, II
war it can be called; the national debt
would now be extinct. the public expendi-
lures half what they are and our coun-
try az exempt from foreign complications
as it was in the elder and better day Of
Monroe, Adams and Jackson.
But they would not have Ii so. The
war came. We are a world power.
aud some OF the most observing minds of
Europe, Asia and America are come to
think q war between the United States
and Japan inevitable. That will cost
billions and bring Caesar.
Tom Platl made Ben Harrison Presi-
dert. lie also made Theodore Roosevelt
President. He lived to feel poignant re-
grct fer both exploits. Macaulay tells
of Two English statesmen who held a
private conference to agree on the forma-
ticn of a ministry and they did agree, but
they Offered as to the terms of the agree
ment, and had a violent quarrel over 1t.
Both were absolutely honest men, both
absolutely sincere in their interpretations
of the agreement. 1t Is just such mis-
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1910-03-27
ABOUT TOM PLATT-By Savoyard

Shrewsbury. the accomplished states
man and virtuous man, after playing a
great part, making two kings, and domi-
mating the affairs in most critical times,
is alleged to have said Had son
would sooner breed him cobbler than
a courtier and hahgman than states
man."
Uneasy lies the head that wears
crown. Is it conceivable that our pub
lie men are happy, even those who gain
the highest honors? Moments of disgust
come to every one of them. Some lose
fortunes by it, some lose regulations by
1t, some lose lives by it. 1t is a perpetual
struggle, and envy and malice are met at
every turn. Motives are misconstrued In
consistency becomes a crime. Passion sup
plants liberation. Bigotry, and his elder
brothers, ignorance and prejudice, ostra-
else the wise and set up the foolish.
ION Tuesday last
A falcon; tow'ring in her pride of place,
Was by a housing owl hawk'd at and
killed.
But these practical fellows like Tom
ifatt Wcio Iidoe ol steiner stulI IMAM
John G.. Carlisle. Plat, Quay and Cor
man all recovered from defeat. When
Carlisle once washed his hands of poll
tics he was done with it forever. The lie
that he was a silver man prospered and
prospers The term ssilver man. means
10 to l, ana the very speech OF his, the
only one he ever made in Congress on
the subject, to which his detractors APP
peal, was in opposition to 16 to 1. He was
speaking in favor of the limited coinage
acc of 1878. The Bryanites never dared,
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1910-03-27
TUBERCULOSIS SUNDAY


Approval of the movement for a nations
al tuberculosis Sunday on April a, re-
Gently inaugurated by the National Assoc
citation for the Study and Prevention OF
tuberculosis, is given In statement by
the Rt. Rev. Richard III. Nelson, bishop
coad1utor OF Albany, N. Y, for the Pro-
testant Episcopal cuhrch. issued today.
Bishop Nelson says: 81 think we'll of
the proposal that all the churches should
unite on April "a in presenting the truth
concerning tuberculosis and stimulating
public interest in the campaign for its
prevention and cure.
The campaign has entered upon IT'S
second stage. Having labored with some
SUCCESS to point out the danger, we are
now concerned with the cure, and this
depends upon Improvement in conditions
of personal and social life. Whatever
the churches may be able to do along
this line, will be a double contribution to
physical and spiritual betterment and l
believe that all should wish to have q
share In such an enterprise"
Reports from all parts of the United
States indicate that the Sunday set apart
will be generally observed. by the preach
ing OF sermons on tuberculosis and by the
distribution OF special literature.
The National Association for the Study
and Prevention of Tuberculosis declares
that the campaign against tuberculosis
is a warfare against ignorance, and that
as soon as the people of the United
States know that tuberculosis can be pre-
vented and cured they will demand that
needless waste Of 100000 lives annually be
stopped.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1910-03-27

ard from a Christian than he has for
himself Is proof that he does believe in
the power Of true religion to help men to
live Alright On purely natural principles
he is just as much bound to do right as
is his Christian neighbor. "But I do not
Profess" says the wording. Well, that
il simply saying that you can get rid of
your obligations by repudiating them! If
you acted thus in your business trans
actions, you would be guilty of fraud. II
you were indicted for the fraud, could
you make the plea that you never pro-
fessed to be honest?
Some time ago 1 took occasion in these
columns to point out and to comment
upon the difficulties of definition, and to
give a few examples of definitions that
did not define, and here, in the leading
editorial of an exchange we read this
opening sentence. by culture we mean
that condition of being to which one has
been brought by all the influences that
have played upon him." That is broad. to
say the least OF It. Influences of one
sort and another have, for untold ages,
beer playing upon the Digger Indian, and
ne Is still digging for roots. crickets and
bugs. How much culture" has he?
One of the brightest things that Dam
iel before ever wrote was his versified
characterization of '.The True-born
In that extraordinary
specimen of his powers of reasoning in
verse, he proves beyond all controversy
that the Englishman is, ethnologically
speaking. one of the most heterogene-
Gus conglomerations that has ever APP
peared upon this earth. And, from
some points of view, the same thing is
true of our modern English speech.
What strange and even hideous corrup-
lions have taken their places In classic
English! Our word alligator" we are
told, Is a corruption OF the lei lagarto"
the lizard--of the illiterate Spanish
and one of our greatest
scholars informs us that from naked
savages on opposite sides OF the world
We take palaver' and taboo as readily