davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1910-06-23
UNCONSCIOUS HUMoR.
The Way II Sometimes Crops Out In
Examination Papers.

About the driest thing in the world
Is the reading Of a lot of examination
papers. said a young University of
Pennsylvania English instructor re-
Gently. but occasionally the monotony
Of an evening Of such work IS relieved
by a bit Of humor Frequently stu
dents try to be funny, thinking, per-
haps, that they will In this way get on
the right side Of the man who marks
the papers, but such attempts are usu-
ally fat fail'-es. Ii is the unconscious
bits Of humOr that are the gems
y short time ago | gave as a sub
ject for an essay TO one of my fresh
man classes My Impressions Of Penn
sylrania' One youth wrote his name
at the top Of his paper and then sat
through the entire hour, gazing at the
ceiling, apparently unable to get a
start. Then at the end he handel in
the blank piece Of paper. As a piece
Of satire it would have been excellent,
but ] am sure he had no such inten-
ton The blank paper merely repre-
sented bis inability TO get his impress
sions in writing and not the lack Of
A short time ago history profes-
sor asked the question. What caused
the French rebellion Of 1907 One Of
the replies was merely. Too much
Bourbon IL this answer had come
from an ordinary student he would
have given the writer credit for a
witty answer, but it was written by
a serious minded youth from the c0un-
try, who, he was sure, was incapable I
of such an effort and probably did not /
even know there was a whisky by that 1
name. Truly the unconscious are the /
ms."-Phlladelphla Record.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1910-06-23
Tho Rarbarous suitee.

Suttee. or the practice of immoat-
ing widows OH their husbands funeral
pyres In India. was first attacked by
the British government in 1929. 1t
was on Dec. 4 Of that year that Lord
William Bentinck carried resolution
In council by which all who abetted
suttee were declared guilty Of "culpa-
BILE homicide" In the year 1917 700
widows were burned alive in Bengal
alone. but since the passing Of the act
the practice has entirely died out.
Suttee was really a primitive rite.
survival from barbarous times, and
not sanctioned by Hlndooism, the pas
sage in the yedas supporting it being
a willful INSTRUMENTATION. But no pre-
vious governor had the courage to vio-
late the British tradition of religious
liberation. Lord William Bentlnck
also suppressed thuggism, which made
strangllng a religious rite to the god
dess Kali.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1910-06-23

A singular uniformity has been OBJ
served in the twist Of tree trunks. In
900 trees out Of every 1000 whose
trunks show torsion the direction of
the twist is from right to left. This
accords with the direction Of the revo-
luton of cyclonlc storms in the north
ern hemisphere and also with that of
whirlpools, which the French savant
Jean Brunhes says almost invariably
turn from right to left The question
arises whether in the southern hemi-
sphere the torsion Of tree trunks has
an opposite direction. like the cyclonic
motions Of the atmosphere in that half
Of the globe.-Harper Weekly.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1910-06-23
The Tsrrora of Frankness.

''There Is no worse vice than frank
ness" said playwright. How should
feel. for example, II asked you for
your opinion Of my plays and you an
swered me frankly. quite frankly
Why, / should feel like the poor lady
at the bridge drive who said to her
hostess little daughter:
"'Your eyes are such a heavenly
blue. And what color are my eyes,
darlingY
The childs high treble Travelled
easily to the farthest corner Of the
quiet room as she replied, looking
earnestly up into her questioner's face:
"'Dwab middles. yellow whites and
wed wimsr "-Exchange
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1910-06-23
It Cos. Money to 3. Smart.

A sprightly young matron hoped on
car at Eighth and Chestnut streets
handed half dollar to the conductor
and hurried TO seat without getting
the change. The conductor, grlnning
broadly at the outcome which he ex-
pected. awaited developments. When
the car reached Sixth street the wo-
man turned to the conductor and re-
marked, Ibid get my change?"
The conductor laughingly handed her
the change.
Then the scene changed.
MY good man." icily spoke the
young woman. Il gave you q dollar"
ProtestatiOns on the part Of the con-
ductor availed him nothing. He fshed
about his clothes and found another
four bit piece and handed 1t up. with
sigh.
THE next time | try TO be funny"
said the conductor. u hope some one
catches me before 1t costs me so much
money."-Philadelphia Times.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1910-06-23
p THE DIVERS DRESS.
Evolution Of the Devices Used For
Submarine Work.

Evolution Of the Devices Used For
Submarine Work.
Among pioneer inventors to whom
GEIe diving dress I'm it's present perfect
ed form owes so much was William
Hannis Taylor. The previous bit or
miss attempts were superseded by the
Taylor patent of June 20, 1893, in
which the essential feature was the
valve allowing the emission of con-
Sumed air without an influx Of water
Previous to this time there had been
She diving chests and the diving bell.
Of which the latter, introduced by
SmeatOn in 177s, was the safest and
nOst practical device for submarine
exploration. The diving bell has been
developed alongside Of the diving dress
and is still in use
The general appearance Of Taylor's
diving armOr was Ike that Of a
Knights suit Of mail, except for a
prominent bulge IN the body piece. A
hrge pipe coming down from the sur
face and penetrating the body piece at
TIE bulge supplied the fresh air. while
> short pipe entered the body piece on
TIE other side and was provided with
> valve which carried of the exhaust.
Although diving armor has now reach
q its perfected state, this valve has
Eerer been materially improved upon.
Scientific American.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1910-06-23

How closely famous pictures can be
initiated by skillful artists was proved
by an exhibition by Ruskin in 1875 of
series of .facsimiles of Turner's pic
lures in the National gallery, London.
The collection was accompanied by a
characteristic note from Ruskin. In
which he said. 81 have given my best
attention during upward of ten years
to train copyist to perfect fidelity In
rendering the works of Turner and
have now succeeded in enabling him
to produce facsimiles so close as to
look like repieas-facsimile which
must sign with my own name to pre-
vent their being sold for real Turner'S"
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1910-06-23
Money No Object.

Il don't care anything about it my
self, for I'm no judge of such things"
said Mr.. Gaswell, 'but my wife wants
me to buy rare old violin, and she
says they come high. Got anyY'
I'VE certainly have" responded the
dealer. Here's one In this showcase,
genuine Stradiyarius, that you can
have for $1,000"
"She said she thought they came
higher than that. Haven't you some
that are a -straddyvariouser
than this neT-Chlcago Tribune.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1910-06-23
A SNAKE STORY.
The Wonderful Old Time Serpent That
Talked Like a Man.

iatNeo Like man.
Tn John Ashton's Curious Creatures
Of Zoology. there is quotation from
"a little Latine booke printed at Wen
IN in the yeare 1551" which tells a
most wonderful story Ashton quotes
as follows: There was found in
move or rycke of corn almost as many
snakes, adders end other serpentes as
there was sheafes. so as no one sheaf
could be removed but there presently
appeared a heape of ougly and fierce
serpentes. The countrie men deter
myned to set fire upon the barne and
so attempted to do. but in yaine, for
the straw would take no fire, although
they laboured with all their Wits and
rOlicye to burn them up.
AT last there appeared unto them at
tle top of the heap a huge great ser
Sente, which lifted up his head and
spake with mans voyce to the eoun-
trie men, saying, Cease to prosecute
Jour devise, for you shall not be able
70 accomplish our burning, for wee
We're not bredde by nature, neither
came we here of our owne accord. but
were sent by God to take vengence on
tire shines of men,"
Ashton leaves US in the dark as to
what the ''countrie' men did, but 1t Is
natural TO suppose that they surren-
dseTed at once.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1910-06-23
NOTICE TO CREDITORS.

Notice is hereby given that the UNDER
signed has been appointed by the Coun-
ty Court of Morrow County, Oregon,
administrator Of the estate OF Lucy E.
voos, deceased, and has qualified for
said trust. All persons having claims
against said estate are hereby notified
TO present same to me. duly verified
with vouchers at the Office OF my At
torney, Sam f. Van Vactor. within six
months from the date Of the first :publi-
cation Of this notice.
WILLIAM n. VOOS.
Adpinistrator Of the estate Of Lucy
+. voos, deceased.
Dated and first published this 2lst DAY
of April. A. D. 1910.
Apr 2l.May 19
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1910-06-23
GLYCERIN.
In Many Ways II Is a Most Remark
able Substance.


In Many Ways II Is Most Remark
able Substance.
One of the great advantages of glyc.
erin in its chemical employment is the
fact that 1t neither freezes nor evapo.
rates under any ordinary temperature.
No perceptible loss by evaporation has
been detected at a temperature less
than 200 degrees F., but If heated in
tensely it decomposes with smell that
few persons find themselves able to en-
dure. 1t burns with pale fame. sim
liar to that from alcohol. If heated to
about 300 degrees and then ignited
Its nonevaporative qualities make the
compound of much use as a vehicle for
holding pigments and colors, as in
stamping and typewriter ribbons, car
bon papers and the like.
II the pure glycerin be exposed for a
long time to freezing temperature it
crystallizes with the appearance of
sugar candy; but, these crystals being
once melted. 1t is almost an impossible
ity to get them again into the CONCEAL
ed state. If little water be added to
the glycerin no crystalllzation will take
place, though under sufficient degree
of cold the water will separate and
form crystals. amid which the glycerin
will remain in its natural state of fluid
ity. If suddenly subjected to intense
cold, pure glycerln will form a gummy
mass which cannot be entirely harden
ed or crystalliZed. Altogether it Is
quite peculiar substance.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1910-06-23
NOTICE FOR PUBLICATION.
Department OF the Interior,
U. S. Land Office at The Dalles, Oregon

Department Of the Interior,
U. s. Land Office at The Dalles, Oregon,
May 23d, 1910.
Notice is hereby that Edward Nc
Daniel OF Hardman, Oreson, who, on
August 9Th, 1908, made homestead (se-
rial No. 02966) No. 1861. for S1l NE14
and VIZ SEA, section 2, township s,
range 25 East Willamette Meridian. has
fled notice of intention to make final
five-year proof, to establish claim TO the
land above described, before W. o.
Hill, County Clerk, at his Office, at
Heppner, Oregon, on the 9th day of
: ulv, 1910.
Claimant names as witnesses:
Alvin A. Steers, George Mcdonald,
Chavles Hastings and Robert Steers, all
of Hardman. Oregon.
@. W. MOORE. Register.
June 2-July
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1910-06-23
NOTICE FOR PUBLICATION.

Department OF the Interior,
y. 8. Land Office at The Dalles, Ore
gon, May 4th, 1910.
Notice is hereby gwen that Bert s
Clark, of Heppner. Oregon, who, on
January 18th, 1905, made homestead,
(serlal No. O66So). No. l4l33, for NwK
section 27, township ] north, range 26
East, Willamette Meridian, has led
notice OF intention to make final five-
year proof, to estab ish claim to Che
land above described, before w. o..
Hill, County Clerk, at his office at
Heppner, Oregon, OH the 2lst day OF
June, 1910.
Claimant names as Witnesses:
Thomas E. McDondel. of Lexington,
Oregon, j. r. Ashinhurst, Royal f.
Tyler and G. j. White, all CT Hepuner,
Oregon.
G. W. MOORE. Register.
May l2.June 16.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1910-06-23

What Kind Of a career have you
mapped out for your boy. Josh?"
I'm goin' 10 make a lawyer Of him"
answered Farmer Corntassel. Hes
got an unconquerable fancy for tend
in to other folks business. an he
might as well git paid fur it"-House-
keeper.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1910-06-23

that every one in town knew about it.
Heard man say every one was talk
Ing about 1t too. He said everything
you had was in your wife's name"
The fathers countenance underwent
sudden change. He sputtered for a
moment painfully. Then he spoke.
''You go to bedr said papa-Phila-
delphia Ledger.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1910-06-23
4 mistak.n sinn af e.n.rosit1.

The young son Of a Germantown
Elan who lives up u every cent Of his
income heard a compliment for his IA
ther the other day and passed II on.
thinking to please the parental heart
and win future fayors perhaps from
theparental purse.
Heard something nice about you.
dad" lie announced over the dinner
table
-Ah. that's pleasant" murmured IA
ther modestly.
Heard you was awful good to
mother" went on the boy.
Il hope / treat your mother as a man
should treat the person he cares most
for" responded father evenly.
Heard you were 50 generous TO her
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1910-06-23
His Apology.

Mrs. Alinks-I don't want to make
scene. but that man over there is star
ing Mt me very extensively. Mr.. Minks
He is, eh? I'll speak to him. Mrs.
Minks "a few moments later)-Did he
apologize? Mr.. Minks-Y-e-s. He said
be was looking for his mother and
thought at first that you were she.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1910-06-23
THE LOT OF HARDSHIP.
It Is Ever the School In Which Great
ness Is Taught.

ness Is Taught.
There Is purpose in circumstance
Nothing in our lives is for naught. AL
things which have been given us, ever
our chains, are meant for our making
meant for the working out of our good
ly destiny, Bunyan in prison. appar
emily cursed by sunless hours of soil
tude and loneliness. was a greater
Bunyan than if he had been free tC
roam afield. The walls which shut his
body in could not confine his soul. II
escaped them and went out into all the
world to lift to higher levels the hope
and vision of mankind. The log cabin
In which Lincoln was born lent its
ruggedness and simplicity to the man
himself and has become a shrine which
men approach with reverend feet as to
some holy place which love and truth
have glorified. The hard lot is ever the
school in which greatness is taught.
and the best scholars are those who
perceive the purpose Of difficulty and
do not grow bitter as they grapple
with it. The very genius of progress
sive living consists in a capacity to
appreciate the day and what the day
holds, to find in all seasons and events
a divine conspiracy to refine the soul
and make it a greater soul. to hail
hardship with grim gladness and bless
the hills which must be climbed, to
look with kindly eyes upon every hui
man thing. to accept with complacence
the small circle Of opportunity until 1t
has been shown that we are worthy to
move in wider one. Along no other
path may we come to our best and lar
gest estate Of being and serving
Richard Wightman in Metropolitan
Magazine.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1910-06-23

An old Scotchwoman when advised
by her minister TO take snuR to keep
herself awake during the sermon re-
piled. "Why dinna ye put the snuff i'm
the sermon, mon?'
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1910-06-23
In tha sama Boy.

Jack (entering ofIiee)-By George, the
rain Is coming down all right. I'm
soaked. TOm-Where is your umbrel-
Ia? Jack-It's-it's what l am.-Bos-
ton Transcript.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1910-06-23
Another simiIs.

What did the sun look like to you
when you were in the arctic regions"
WELL" answered the explorer
thOughtfully. 'it resembled an elusive
gold dollar much magnifed. Wash
lngtOn Star.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1910-06-23
Psssimistie.

"Whnt is an antiquarian. pa?"
"a man who. not satisfied with his
present troubles. is looking for some in
The past"-New York Press. -
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1910-06-23

The Pastor-It Is very wrong, indeed.
to profit by other peoples mistakes
The Parishioner-Then you don't take
a fee for marrying people, eh, parson?
-Browning's Magazine.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1910-06-23
Antieipatinn the Eusnt.

what was you askin' for the wild
der's bonnet, mum"
"Well-er-I thought ninepence."
"'E's very i'll, mum. think I'll risk
II "-London Tatler.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1910-06-23
II p.nand..

Teacher-Johnny. which is rlght-"a
man lies easy" or "a man lies easily 2"
Pupil - Who's the mani Cleveland
Leader.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1910-06-23
Specials
Big Reductions

Some features make this decidedly different from usual
waist sales For example, every waist perfect far
know the style being this springs fashion, made of clean and
dainty lawns and linens These waists not seconds in
other words having flaw the of the goods work
mansh This special sale waists will be orderly there
will hunting through fumbed and umbd stocks for
sze but expect find unusual prices that not attempt
ed by any other store. Sizes "a to A.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1910-06-23

Genius begins great works. Labor
alone finishes them.-JOubert.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1910-06-23

Prosperity fries the fortunate, adver-
slty the great-Pliny.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1910-06-23
A Score of New Styles of
Lingerie Waists

They have uteed in dainty butter flies full Of the spring
that find SO ascnatngiut Quite eabor
many them with rich combinations OF lace and Insertions
These they the first of the season. naturally
built OF the pick of the makers materials and trimmings Later
try duplicate these styles the manufacturers will
probably be He will have OF particular lace
nothing quite material These waists placed
the finest quality for medium priced waists and
easily worth the money ask Come look these values
over and YOU will agree with us
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1910-10-07

toria the same date at II ?. m, army
ing at HilU on the morning Of the llth.
Take train and stage 70 the crater ana
remain ~ that vicinity until Afternoon
ot February l. (the stay IN Hilo VIII
he prolonged if YOU So adyise), Ieav'
ing Hilo not later than midnight Feb
luarv -. arriving at Honolulu on the
forenoon OF February -. remain in Ho-
noluIu and vicinity until February %,
departing from there III the afternoon
OF that date direct for Victoria. We
would thank vou to arrange your plans
and give full publicity 10 the above.
II note that the rate quoted the Los
Angeles Chamber Of $40 provides for
three DAYS stay al Hilo. includes rail
and stage fare and hotel expenses at
Hilo and al the crater. SO that there
will be no Misunderstanding, | would
ask YOU 70 obtain from the Volcano
Stables and Transportation Company a
rate for not leses than l75 nor more
than go people 10 include the rail- fare
and stage fare and the stop at the
crater all II which must be performed
between the morning of February 7
and the afternoon OF February Il. II
we hold to present schedule. as the
schedule provides for the departing
from Hilo al midnight February u.
Wish von would ask them TO put their
rates in writing. so there viii be no
misunderstanding also advise them not
to include any hotel expenses at Hilo
as the ship will be at the disposal oN
the passengers during their stay there
and those who remain ashore at Hli0
are al their own expense IN view Of
the contemplated crowds that may as.
semble IN Honolulu in attendance upon
the Floral Parade carnival. ! would
ask that you make reservations at the
various hotels to accommodate our
party on the morning Of the 18th until
the Odd. during the ten days stay at
Honolulu. The shore expenses are to
be born bv the excursionists and Is
not included in our rate, and if YOU
will have the various hotel proprietors
advise YOU in detail their rates and
mail me sufficient literature, ] will ar
range he distribution of same on the
Prince Rupert before arrival in Homo
lulu. There is no question but that
we will have a full ship Of representa-
tive business men and their wives, as
the bookings are coming in very rap
idly
II want TO avoid as much as pos
sible any Misunderstanding as that al
ways mars the pleasure of an excursion.
''This week Mrs. Headlee is giving
lectures in Vancouver: she is doing
very good work and creating lots Of
inquiries | would ask that at least
5000 copies of folders be sent on the
next direct steamer TO this Office as
the present supply is getting very low.
Between now and the first of January
we can use at least 10000 copies of
YOUR folders.'
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1910-10-07
MEDICINES MADE FROM ROOTS
AND HERE'S.

In the good old fashioned DAYS OF our
grandmothers they depended upon medi-
cines made from the roots and herbs of
the field to cure disease.
Lydia F. Pinkham' 5 Vegetable Com
pound. that standard remedy which is
made from roots and herbs for woman s
ills, had its origin in this way. For
thirty years il has been redeeming its
promises written on the label of every
bottle by curing thousands of women
of feminine ills. It's a good, honest
medicine
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1910-10-07
Doing Much Advertising,

Secretary Wood s weekly letter to
the promotion committee, submitted
yesterday. follows:
BY the Lurline this week we shipped
a number of cases containing several
thousand copies of our different folders
These will finally reach every town
west of the Rockies from Nome to San
Diego. BY the Mongolia we will send
ont several thousand special cards. ad
dressed to those whose business it is to
come in contact with the travelling pub
lie; following this work about the first
of November. with our Floral Parade
poster campaign. We already have
scores of friends on the Pacific Coast
talking Hawaii, men and women who
are working for US with as much en-.
thusiasm as though they were paid
agents. They have visited the Islands.
enjoyed their stay here and lose no
opportunity in suggesting the trip to
others.
Not a mail passes without letters be
ing received requesting US to send our
folders TO some friend or acquaintance
of the writer. Such messages a the
following from George r. Brown, secre-
tarv of the board of trade of Little
ct may interest YOU TO know that
we are recommending the Crossroads
of the Pacific as a winter resort. -