davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-27
A MARK TWAIN JOKE.

Among the many pranks Of Mark
Twain's journalistic days" said Vir-
ginia City editor, was the concoction
Of a speech that was put upon a ia
nous senator
The senator had attended a Vir-
ginia City banquet, but had not spok-
en-. He had a sore throat. A brother
from a rival paper reached the ban
quet late.
What did the senator speak
about?" the newcomer whispered to
Mark Twain.
:" He made very interesting speech
on the potato" was the reply.
The potato, Ell? That's odd. Let's
have the points, will your
with pleasure said Mark Twain
and he dictated a half column that
the reporter duly printed the next
morning as the distinguished sena-
tors valuable contribution to agricul-
tural science. The speech began like
this:
Ladies and gentlemen, had II
been my lot to be born and reared in
ireland, where my food would have
principally consisted Of the potato
that most salubrious and nutritious
root should now be, instead Of the
poor, infirm. stunted creature you
see before you. tall, stout, athletic
man, able to carry an enormous
weight"
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-27
TOO HIGHLY COLORED.

on the streets of Richmond, Va.
George Washington Jackson appeared
one morning with a chameleon PIN
ned to the lapel of his light brown
coat. A friend stopped to him what
he was wearing.
Don't you know whut dis hyuh ?"
questioned George Washington jack
son with scorn. "Why. dis Hyuh is
a chumoleon."
"Whut does he do?" inquired the
other darky.
He tu'ns any colah whut you put
him on. Drap him on a pink shawl,
an hetuns pink. Drop him on a
green hat, an he tu'ns green"
DO tell" exclaimed the friend 81
ain nevahhearn tell OBJ sech a bug"
"More'n dat" went 5n Jackson
proudly, 81 put him on a Scotch plaid
de othah day, an he jes' up an bus
hisse'f to pieces. Magazine.
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-27
THEY ARE GOOD POINTS.

Advocates OF the commission plan
of government win be Interested in
the fight that is now on for the ad-
option Of the commission system in
Spokane. Here is a summary Of the
arguments for the comisslon plan, as
given by the Spokesman-Re Review
which journal advises the adoption Of
the plan:
IT effects recall Of the city hall
politicians responsible for the recent
intolerable condition Of city affairs,
with its frictions, strife and corrup-
ton.
2. It vests authority and provides
for responsibility.
3. The five commissioners elected
must devote their entire time to the
city's business.
4. It's civil service provisions. like
those in effect in the postoffice SER
vice, exact publications and efficiency
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-27
THE EDITOR REGRETS.

when I was city editor Of the Vir-
ginia City Enterprise remarked
Mark Twain at dinner in New York
"a fine turkey was one day left at the
office. Turkeys were rare in that high
altitude and We all hankered after
this bird. The proprietor, though,
claimed it for his own. He took it
home and had it cooked for dinner
The next day as he was expatiating
on the turkeys richness and tender
ness, a letter was handed to him. He
opened it and read:
Mr.. Editor:
'Sir-Yesterday I sent you a tur-
key which has been the cause of much
dispute among us. To settle a bet
will you kindly ask your agricultural
editor to state in tomorrow's issue
what it died Of"
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-27
AFTER THE COLONEL.

\ raw recruit from a remote cor
ner of the Green Isle was engaged for
the first time in a field maneuver on
outpost duty. The sergeant instructed
him to look out carefully for the COL
onel coming to inspect the, post.
After an hour he returned and ask
ed the soldier: HAS the colonel been
here?"
Receiving an answer in the mega
tive, he went away, returning later
on with the same inquiry.
\ little while later the colonel ap-
peared- The recruit did not salute
properly which incensed the colonel.
who, as a hint asked him:
do you know who I am?"
Faith, and | do not" answered
the recruit.
81 am the colonel
"Beforra, you will catch it, then "
says the soldier. The sergeant has
been asking twice for yez already"
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-27
TRUE LOYALTY.

Walter Wellman, the noted aero
naut and journalist, said in a recent
interview in New York
MY failure to cross the Atlantic
doesn't discourage me, and I'll sue
ceed yet with proper support My idea
OF an equilibrator was a mistake, but
with proper support"
Mr. Wellman smiled and added:
I'm rather in the position, you
see, of Congressman Push.
III support YOU, congressman.
said a leading citizen, whenever l
think you're in the right
"'Oh.' the congressman replied,
anybody will support me when I'm
in the right. What I'm looking for
is people who will support me when
I'm wrong"
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-27
A HoRsE'sl PRAYER.

The Paterson Electric Laundry Of
Paterson. n. J.. sends out this
prayer of a Horse" One can safely
assume that no decrepit relics of by
gone days are drawing its delivery
wagons:
To thee, my master, 7 offer my prayer.
Feed me, water and care for me
and when the days work Is done pro-
vide me with a shelter, clean, dry
bed, and stall wide enough to lie
down in comfort. Talk to me, your
voice often means as much to me as
the reins. Pet me sometimes. that 7
may serve the more gladly and learn
to love you DO not Jerk the reins
and do not whip me when going up
hill Never strike, beat or kick me
when I do not understand what you
mean, but give me n chance to un-
derstand you. Watch me, and If I
fail to do your bidding, see If some
thing is not wrong with my harness
or feet.
Examine my teeth when I do not
eat. may have an liberated tooth,
and that, you know is very painful.
Do not tie my head in an unnatural
position or take away my best de-
fcnse against flies and mosqulstoes by
cutting off my toll.
And, finally. oh! my master, when
my useful strength is gone. do not
turn me out to starve or freeze, or sell
me to some cruel owner to be slowly
tortured and starved to death. But
do thou, my master, take my life in
the kindest way, and your God WIN
reward you here and hereafter. You
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-27
MARK TWAIN AND COLONEL
SELLERS.

The Gilded Age, published in 1878,
resulted from the friendship of War
ner and Mark Twain. The character
of Colonel Sellers in that book has
become immortal, and it is a character
that only Mark Twain could create,
for it embodies-and in no exagger-
ated degree-character that were
his own The tendency to make mill
lions was always imminent: tempta-
ton was always hard to resist. Mon
ey-making schemes are continually
being placed before men of means
and prominence, and Mark Twain to
the day of his death found such
schemes fatally attractive.
1t was because of the Sellers char
acteristics in him that he invested in
a typesetting machine which cost him
nearly two hundred thousand dollars,
and helped to wreck his fortunes by
and-by. 1t was because Of this char
acteristic that he invested in num-
berless schemes of lesser importance,
but no less disastrous in the end. His
one successful commercial venture was
his association with Charles L. Web
ster in the publication Of the Grant
Memoirs of which enough copies were
sold to pay a royalty of four hundred
thousand dollars to Grants widow
the largest royalty ever paid from
any single publication. 1t saved the
Grant family from poverty, but even
this was disaster to Mark Twain, for
it led to scores Of other book ventures
and eventually the firm went to wreck
in the panic Of 1893.
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-27
instead of political services of en-

instead of political services OF en-
ployes.
5. 1t provides for absolute pub
licity through the official gazette.
6, It makes it easy to recall inef-
ficient or dishonest officers.
:. 1t makes it easy for the people
to legislate over the objection of the
council.
S. 1t provides for proper restric-
tions and protection of the peoples
rights in public franchises.
?. The preferential ballot enables
majority to rule instead of an inter-
ested cohesive minority Of seekers of
special privileges.
To- 1t is easy of amendment on pc
tionon of per cent of the voters.
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-27
Canadian Customs Receipts.

Canada's customs receipts for No
vember totaled s6,O24,782. an in
crease of $932,O20 over November,
1909. For the eight months of the
present fiscal year the total was SAL,
396,911, against s39,16O,567 in same
period last year.
Because of the many new factories
in Windsor and their heavy imp rita
ton of machinery, the customs c.'I-
lections here in Move nber were s99,-
500. an increase Of about 100000
over November, 1909.
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-27

Settlers living in Custer county Ida
no, are going to start dam suit. This
sounds like profanity but it is not,
though from appearances the settlers
would be justified if they did use
strong language. 1t is feared that a
big million dollar irrigation dam may
so out during the spring freshet and
i it does it will work havoc with the
settlers
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-27
HAD OTHER BUSINESS.

an once benighted region OF GER
tain state in the southwest" says a
Chicago lawyer, they cherish some
peculiar notions touching the duties
Of a Juror
"One day case was being tried
when suddenly the justice exclaimed.
"'How is this? There are only II
jurymen in the box. Where Is the
twelfth?'
1.-THE foreman rose and addressed
the court respectfully as follows:
"'May it please your honor, the
twelfth juror had to go away on i'm
portant business, but he has left his
verdict with me-"
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-27

Messrs. Boy & Parsy, of Ipoh, are
stated to have applied for 5000 acres
Of land in Upper Perak, Federated
Malay states, for the purpose of cul-
tivating rubber, cOcoanuts and coffee.
They propose to clear the land with
the aid of electricity. A Penang and
TAPPING syndicate is opening up an
other estate on Langkawi, on land
sold by Prince Mahmud, president OF
the Kedah state council. other To-
cal owners on Langkawi are the Hon.
Robert Young, Signor Cerruti, and d
Chinese syndicate. The new estate
has cocoanuts, but rubber is to be
planted.
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-27
ROOSEVELT.
(Hartford Courant..

1t has been made a new gievance
against Colonel Theodore Roosevelt
in some quarters that he did not in
stantly tell everybody what he thought
and how he felt about the political oc-
currences of the Sth inst. Facetious
writers got busy at once over what
they called the unnatural silence" at
Sycamore Hill. They will now have
to hunt up something else to be fun
ny about. In a signed contribution to
the outlook the Colonel says:
"On every hand, personally and by
correspondence, | have been asked TO
make statement regarding the cleo
ton. So far as I am concerned. l
have nothing whatever to add to or
to take away from the declaration OF
principles which | have made in the
Osawatomie- speech and elsewhere
East and West during the past three
months. The fight for progressive
popular government has merely begun.
and will certainly go on to triumph
ant conclusion in spite of initial checks
and irrespective of the personal sue
cess or failure of individual leaders"
Faultfinding persons have some
lliiito lpuilh lduiN WIN CVlpiA'l is'pSN-
velt's eloquence as rather too copious
and exhuberant. He has shown them
now that. on occasion, he can be so
terse as anybody. There will be more
or less guessing now as to whether he
meant to include himself among the
individual leaders" or was thinking
Of Stimson, Beveridge, etc. Once up
on time-and in interestingly
smoky circumstances stout sailor
man Of the old navy answered an in
vitation 70 surrender with Tell him
have just begun to fight" Colonel
Roosevelt has evidently read the story.
AS a "defl," the signed statement Is
| a good second to the one James Fitz-
James slammed at Roderick Dhu; tho
| Come one! come all! this rock shall
| fly from it's firm base as soon as l."
OF course the signed statement
leaves a good deal of curiosity-both
of the backward-looking and of the
ard-looking kinds-unsatisfied. OF
course, this statement will be duly
supplemented, amplifled and annotat-
ed by it's distinguished author from
time to time, and during what our
| dear Major Mckinley used to call a
considerable space of period.
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-27

II man Is honest with himself he
can be depended upon to give his
neighbors a square deal.
After a man has been married a
week he begins to unlearn lot of
things he knew about women.
A married man says the shortest
season of the year is the time between
fall millinery openings and Christmas.
The girl who says she wouldn't mar
ry the best man living Is lucky If she
doesn't eventually capture one of the
worst.
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-27

New England has been having Il
drought and a big rain on Christmas
dal was hailed as a Christmas gift,
for so serious had become the condi-
tions in places that the water sup
plies of municipalities were affected.
Who would have thought it? 1t is evi-
dent that eastern oregon is not the
only section where moisture is of i'm
portance.
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-27

The TientsinPukow railway Is now
running trains from Tientsln to Tsinan
on the Yellow river and will be run
ming so miles farther south to Taian-
fu by the end Of the year. The party
engaged in the survey of the proposed
railway in Yunnan, which left Yum
nanfu on February ], has arrived at
Chatong. The route surveyed follows
the Neulan river to within 25 miles
Of Chaotong; the distance is 237 miles.
The surveying party is now proceed
ing to Sulfu.
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-27
American missionaries in China are

American missionaries in China are
sending word to this country that they
need a million dollars to aid Chinese
famine sufferers. Very likely. But
why not apply that million to some
missionary work in this country.
There are some people in the great
cities of this country that are not
overfed.
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-27

Merchants who carried good stocks
and advertised the same and by do
ing so sought holiday business had
record breaking sales. Merchants
who do not "go after" business cam
not expect to secure much trade. The
race is to the swift. not to the slug
gard.
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-27

Unfurnished housekeeping rooms in
East Oregonian building. Steam
heat, gas range in kitchen, electric
lights, hot and cold water and bath.
Recently renovated. Enquire at E.
0. office.
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-27

In Hongkong skating rink was
opened in November by Ramos & Ra-
mos "a cinematograph firm). The
building is 100 by 81 feet.
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-27

We also get a Christmas present
from the army engineers who investi-
gated the extension of the Umatilla
project. 1t is lemon
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-27

About the best fed people in the
city on Christmas day were the pris-
oners at the county Jail.
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-27

That big strike by the engineers
did not occur. Who thought it would?
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-27

may not consider. me irreverent II
ask this in the name Of Him who was
bon in a stable-Amen.
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-27

A NEW YEAR JINGLE.

New Year, comm up the slope, 4
with notes a-falling due,
How can you expect us to shout
hurrah for you? I
Still We'll give a cheer
When you come, New Year,
Whether skies are stormy, or
all your stars shine clear.
Same old prospects still in view,
same old road, and them
If at last we all pull through,
same old loud "Amen,"
Still we give a cheer;
Health to you New Year,
And may your skies be storm
less, and all your stars
shine clear"
Frank L. Stanton
} 90 . . . . . . . . Q . > Z
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-27

"Whose looney now"
Condon globe. (Condon, Gilliam Co., Or.) 189?-1919, 1910-12-23

Chas. Prindle of Fossil passed
through this city Tuesday on his
way to Winthrop Iowa where he
will spend the winter.
Condon globe. (Condon, Gilliam Co., Or.) 189?-1919, 1910-12-23

D. 2. Kaesmeyer of Lost Vail
ey shipped a car Of cattle to
Occur d. Alene on Tuesday.
His son. Frank accompanied
them and will remain there 10
attend school during the winter.
Condon globe. (Condon, Gilliam Co., Or.) 189?-1919, 1910-12-23
LOCAL i;:::;:;; i:;:;: c: (; ;:; GA; "A: 4;
!';::: !E::: !! {: !! ~: !: E::i. ':::: ITEMS

On Christmas Eve at mid
night, there will be a High Mass
in the Catholic Church. AT 1890
Am. on Christmas Day, there
will be a second High Mass with
sermon on the feast Of the day.
Condon globe. (Condon, Gilliam Co., Or.) 189?-1919, 1910-12-23

c. Cochran was an outgoing
passenger on Wednesday morn
ing's train, for Portland where
be will spend the holidays.
Condon globe. (Condon, Gilliam Co., Or.) 189?-1919, 1910-12-23

The Summit Hotel Dining room
is becoming popular resort for
those in quest of a good meal.
Also excellent rooms.
Condon globe. (Condon, Gilliam Co., Or.) 189?-1919, 1910-12-23

The o. X. Barber Shop, most
up-to- date shop, skillful work
men, sanitary.
Condon globe. (Condon, Gilliam Co., Or.) 189?-1919, 1910-12-23

Bus meets all trains for the
Summit Hotel. Your patronage
solicited and satisfaction guar
anteed.
Condon globe. (Condon, Gilliam Co., Or.) 189?-1919, 1910-12-23

Mrs. S. E. Purvine returned
to her home in Salem on We'd
nesday after visiting her friends
Misses Hockett and Northrup.
Condon globe. (Condon, Gilliam Co., Or.) 189?-1919, 1910-12-23

J. T. Kennedy, agent for the
Bankers Reserve Life Ins. Co.
was in this city during the week.
Condon globe. (Condon, Gilliam Co., Or.) 189?-1919, 1910-12-23

Mrs. Wayne Grider made a
trip to Arlington the fore part
of the week.
Condon globe. (Condon, Gilliam Co., Or.) 189?-1919, 1910-12-23

Auditor Shaw of the o. R. N.
Co. transacted business at the
local Office on Tuesday.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-12-22
NEGRO'S JOURNEY SOUTH
INTERRUPTED BY POLICE
fingered on Way to Railroad Sta
ton, and Is Arrested as Know
ing About Robbery. 49,

Thomas Miller. colored, who told the
police he had two residences-one at IS
Jackson street and the other at 1O1 D
street northeast-was arrested last night
charged with having knowledge of the
robbery of 500 from the office of the C.
H. Burgess Coal Company, Sth and o
streets northwest.
Miller had started for the Union station
to board a train for the south. but lin
tectives Cornwell and Baur, who were
watching for him, were disappointed. Po-
liceman Beckley of the second precinct,
however, found him in 9TH street north
west.
Miller had his suit case with him. The
police say two packages of $50 each were
found in the bag.
II found the money on the floor of the
Office at the coal yard" said Miller when
questioned by Capt. Peck.
He had been employed at the yard, but
disappeared Monday afternoon.
1t was learned by the detectives yes
terday that Miller had been a prominent
figure in certain alleys in the southwest
section for the last few days, distributing
Christmas presents freely and handling
cash in debonnaire fashion. 1t is said
he told numerous acquaintance that he
intended going south for the winter and
was to leave last night
He is held at the second precinct sta
ton while the robbery is investigated
further. He reiterated that he had found
the money and denied knowledge of the
whereabouts Of the remainder Of the
$780,
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-12-22
ENGLISH NINE DISASTER
COST OVER $50 LIVES
Now Known That Not a Man
Escaped From the Little
Hutton Gallery.

BOLTON. England, December o2-The
disaster at the Little Hutton colliery
which was wrecked by an explosion fol
lowed by fire yesterday, is greater thai
was at first thought.
1t is probable that at least three hun.
dred and sixty lives were lost
1t now appears that the men supposed
to have been rescued from this mine
came from an adjoining pit, which was
also seriously damaged. 1t seems that
not a soul escaped from Little Hutton.
Rescuing parties who are boring a Wa!
to the center Of the catastrophe have
passed $50 bodies.
Although rescue parties worked
throughout the night. they did not sue
coed in reaching the level where most OF
the men are entombed.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-12-22
WHOLE LIBRARY OF BOOKS
TOKEN OF PLlGHTED TROTH
Physician Believes Diamond Engage
ment Ring Is Symbol Of
Inferiority.

PASSAIC, N. j., December 22.-The
diamond engagement ring as symbol OF
plighted troth is a Symbol Of inferior
ity," according to DR. NJ. o. Kershet. one
Of PASSAGES leading physicians, whose
engagement to Miss Gertrude Risker has
just been announced.
At the reception where the announce
ment was made Dr. Kershet surprised
the guests by giving Miss Risker a set
of elegantly bound books, by Victor Hugo.
Balzac. George Bernard Shaw, Ibsen.
Toistoi, Zangwill and others instead OF an
engagement ring.
Speaking of his departure from the
time-honored custom, he said:
In times long gone by man either
captured his female partner or purchased
her from her parents with presents.
When she was his he placed a crude
ring upon her finger.
1T was regarded as symbol of in
feriority, and made the wearer appear in
the light of personal property. Miss
Risker will not be my chattel, but my
equal, my companion and helpmate.'
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-12-22
NEWSPAPER MEN SENTENCED.
Former Editor and Manager of Ma.
Mia Journal Convicted.

MANILA, December 22-The supreme
court today disposed of the Manila Rena-
cimento prosecution sentencing Theodore
Kalaw. formerly editor of the paper and
now a member of the Philippine assem-
bly,. to one years Imprisonment and a
fine of $1,000 and Martin Ocampo for
mery manager. to six months imprison-
ment and fine of $1,000 for having Grim
inally libeled Commissioner Dean G.
Worcester.
The case has been in the courts long
time. Ocampo wals convicted in Decem-
Der. 1908, and sentenced in the following
month. kalaw was found guilty and
sentenced in the spring of 1909. In Janu-
ary OF the present yeaar Mr.. Worcester
was awarded $4,000 damages against the
paper
Delays aud appeals to the higher court
stayed the execution of the sentences OF
the two men until the present time, when
the supreme court reaf1irmed the original
findings.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-12-22

Specifications for New Bureau Con
tract Disappear From Treasury.

The Treasury Department has advertised
for bids for the construction of the new
bureau Of engraving and printing build
ing and these bids will be opened Janu-
airy IA. A peculiar situation has arisen.
though, in connection with the specifica-
tons upon which subcontractors must
prepare their bids for work under the
successful contractor. The specifications
were on exhibition in the contract room
and were available to all those interested.
A few days ago they disappeared. Here
after specifications cannot be seen except
under such regulations as will preclude
theft of this kind. All bidders for the
construction were furnished with copies
of the specifications, but it is supposed
that the copy that disappeared was of
interest to some subcontractor, who want
ed to get a slice of the work when the
contract Is let.