The gold leaf. [volume] (Henderson, N.C.) 1881-1911, 1910-06-02
THE HENDERSON GOLD LEAF-THURs]
MARK TWAIN ON THE BABIES.
His Famons Toast delivered at a
Banquet to Gen. Grant In Chicago
Soon After His Return Home from
His Tour of the World.


Soon After His Return Home from
His Tour of the World.
At a banquet to General L. S.
Grant which was held at the Palmer
| House in Chicago shortly after the
great soldiers return home from his
tour of the globe, one of the speakers
was the late Mark Twain.
He was purposely put at the end OF
| the program, because it was well
known that he could hold the revel-
| ers: and the toast to which he was
asked to respond was "The Babies"
Among other things, he said:
owe have not all had the goodfor
tune to be ladies. We have not been
generals or poets, or statesmen, but
when the toasts work down to the
babies, we stand on common ground
-Naughter. J for we have all been
babies. (laughter.)
"You soldiers all know that when
that little fellow arrived at family
headquarters you had to hand in
your resignation. (Laughter.) He
took entire command. You became
his lackey-his mere body servant
1aughter)-andh had to stand around,
too. Iaughter.) He was not a
commander who made allowance for
time, distance, weather, or anything
else. (Convulsive screams. You had
to execute his order whether it was
possible or not(-roars)-a there
was only one form of machinery in
the manual of tactics and that was
the double-quick. tShouts.)
"He treated you with every sort OF
insolence and disrespect-(la ughter)
and the bravest of you didn't dare
say a word. Great laughter.) You
could face the death storm OF Donel-
son and Vicksburg, and give back
blow for blow, but when he clawed
your whiskers, and pulled your hair
and twisted your nose, you had to
take it. (Roars.)
"When the thunders of war were
sounding in your ears, you set your
faces toward the batteries and adj
vanced with steady tread, but when
he turned on the terrors Of his war
whoop-Qaughter)-you advancedin
the other direction, and mighty glad
of the chance, too. (Renewed laugh
ter.) When he called for soothing
syrup did you venture to throw out
any remarks about certain services
being unbecoming an officer and a
gentleman? (Boisterous laughter
No, you got up and got it. Great
laughter.) II the baby proposed to
take walk at his usual hour, two
O'Clock in the morning-Qaughter)-
didn't you rise promptly and remark
with mental addition which would
not improve a Sunday-School book
-(much laughter)-that it was the
very thing you we're about to pro-
pose yourself? Great roars.)
"Oh, you were under good discip-
Northumberland you went falt-
ering up and down the room in your
undress uniform-Qaughter) you
not only prattled baby talk, but
even turned up your martial voices
and tried to sing 'Rock-a-by-Baby in
the Tree Top for instance. Great
lwughter.) What spectacle for any
army of Tennessee Qaughter)-and
what an affection for the neighbors,
too, for it is not everybody within a
mile around who likes military music
alta in the morning. (laughter.)
eyes, it was high time for toast
to the masses, to recognize the i'm
portance of the babies. Iaughter.)
Think what is in store for the present
crop! Fifty years from now we shall
all be dead, / trust-laughter) and
then the flag, if it still survives, and
let us.hope that it may, will be float
ing over a republic numbering 2O0,-
100000 souls, according to the set
tied laws OF our increase. Our pres
ent schooner of state-Qaughter)-
will have grown into a political Levi
athan-a Great Eastern. The Graded
babies of today will be on deck. Let
them be we'll trained, for we are going
to leave big contract on their hands.
daughter
Among the three or four million
cradles now rocking in the land are
some which this nation will preserve
for ages as sacred things, if we could
know which ones they are. In one of
these cradles the unconscious Far
ragut of the future is at this moment
Observation-Disclosures land putting in
a word OF dead earnest inarticulate
but perfectly iustifable profanity
over it, too. Uaughter.) Inanother
the future renowned astronomer is
blinking at the shining milky way
with but liquid interest, poor little
chap! and wondering what has be-
come of the other one they call the
wet nurse. (Shouts.) In another
the future great historian is lying
and doubtless will continue to lie
Qaughter)-until his earthly mission
is ended"