Omaha daily bee., 1910-12-26
GREATEST BORE ON EARTH
Wall OF the Peevish Man Against
Stories of the Globe
Trotter.

when 7 was IN Rome" began the re
turned traveller. Il saw --" 81 don't care
what you saw interrupted the peevish
man. ut would he impossible for YOU 70
sec anything In Rome that would be OF In
tercst to me. A lot OF jays went abroad last
summer and every time they met me they
began telling me OF tho strange manners
and customs OF the Dyaks or the ruined
temples Of Greece or the noble cRthedrals
in Timhuctoo. I have stood Il as long as
am going TO, and the next man who tries
to tell me about his thrilling adventures
in the Pyrenecs or his hairbreadth escape
on the Ganges is going to get hurt as many
places as l can hit him.
There ought TO be law providing pains
and penalties for those who go to some for
eigu country and then come home and bore
their friends telling about the things they
saw abroad
Long ago when people went across the
sea in sailing ships and had hand-to-hRnd
conflicts with pirates and sea lions and
whales and other monsters Of the deep II
was something Of a distinction to have been
abroad, and a man who rad made the
Journey couldn't he blamed, If he spent the
rest Of his life telling about II. In fact I
can easily imagine that people urged him
times have changed to such an extent that
the distinguished man OF the present day
is the one who has never been abroad.
II am such celeh5ty. l have never
pushed myself over the ps; never want
to SEQ the Alps. AS compared with our own
Rocky mountains, they are cheap, made-in-
Germany affairs. and l couldn't look at
them without thinking OF the bargain coun-
ter In a department store believe in pa
tronlzing home industry II man is suf-
fering TO see mountains, let him go TO
Colorado, where he'll find the real goods
with the letters "U. s." blown In the
glass.
"A man crosses some one-horse ocean OF
other and when he comes back home he
tries to leave the impression that nature
got up special program for hts benefit
Everything that ever happened at sea
was featured for his entertainment He saw
waterspouts and sea serpents and icebergs
know old captains who have been fol-
lowing the sea for 100 years or more, and
they never saw half the marvels that some
landsman will witness I'm trip from Sandy
Hook to Southampton.
"a couple OF hours ago my next-dooi
neighbor called and talked for while
He had been driving over the country with
team of horses, and he kept cases or
the crops as he went along. He was fairly
loaded to the hat-brim with useful infor
nation concerning the condition OF tho
wheat and corn and other crops. He
brought samples OF corn and wheat thai
he pulled up in the fields. l never listened
to a more interesting or instructive dis,
course than his, and I hated TO see hin
go. Now, that mans travelling was wortt
while, and wherever he goes he will FIND
an attentive audience Contrast his story
with the yarn that you are suffering tc
spring.
You want to tell me how you visited
the Quirinal, and cavorted along the Ap
plan way, and carved your name on on,
Of the stones Of the Colosseum. If 1 LEI
you tell your besotted tale you would dc
it In way that would Jar every nerv,
in me, and lead to personal violence.
That's the worst thing about you fel
lows who have been abroad. You CAM
tell your experiences humbly and apollo
getically. as becomes people who hav,
wasted a lot of valuable time and money
You look as important as though you hac
discovered a continent or invented an air
ship, and all you have done is to Sc,
lot of shelf-worn cathedrals and second
hand volcanoes. which have been seen b,
millions Of rubbernecks before you.
III man ever returns from abroad
and then refuses to say a word about II
he'll be popular, and everybody will siEr
a petition asking him to run for the presi
dency. Meanwhile 1 am going to buy tw,
brindle dogs and shotgun for my Der
sonal protection"