The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1910-07-03

/ d
ian master of ceremonies introducing
Battling Sweeney nee swansky), the
Hero without Any Brow, But With Dirig
| ible Ears, and other defenders of the
manly art; the whole country standing
at attention; the prattle of little children
hushed to catch the first whisper of the
expert chronieler-Jeff leads right to point
of jaw; Jack counters and crosses left
to Jeff's wind; Jeff sends in straight
punch to nose: Jack butts with head; and
over it all the lowering spirit of One
Eyed Connolly looking for a medium in
the audience so he can challenge the
winner by spirit message Now tell me,
can you conceive anything more calcu-
lated to arouse the patriotism of our peo-
pie and start comparatively strangers TO
lamming each other over the head with
umbrellas and cuspidors?'
WELL" I said, no doubt, you're right.
But to tell you the truth, I've read a
good deal about this fight in the papers
already and at times, I've been almost on
the verge of being bored. In fact, If
you'll excuse Halley's comet, which was
a FLYER, not coming up to its advance no
tees, I can't recall but three things that
I've seen in the paper this year. One
was New Years Day, one was a man
named Theodore Roosevelt, and one was
this fight. There may have been some
thing else that happened but If there
was 1t escapes me for the moment So
I thought that. merely to inject lit
tie new matter into the news columns you
might be willing to give me a few err
sonal views on the Fourth itself?"
"Oh. very well. If you will have it So
go ahead" said the Spirit of Seventy-Six
somewhat testify. "Only kindly be as
brief as possible. There's a whole lot of
stuff in today's sporting edition about the
weights of the two men and their con-
1 .s.-I--
promised the Crime of Seventy Three and
the Year of the Big Wind I'd post myself
up so I could give them all the dope when
we meet at the Dead Ones Club tonight
| What was il you particularly wanted to
know about the Fourth"
"Wen," I suggested. Mayor Gaynor of
| New York and many other prominent
men for several weeks past have been adj
vocation what they call Safe and Sane
Fourth-no dangerous fireworks, but in
stead orderly public celebrations and old
! fashioned parades and things of that ma
| ture."
"Who did you say?s asked the Spirit
of Seventy-Six.
Mayors" I repeated, and editors of
magazines and members of City Councils,
| and others"
"Quite So" said the Spirit of Seventy
! Six ''but have you heard anywhere of
any healthy American of the male sex
under the age of IA coming out in adj
vocacy of a noiseless and sterilized
Fourth? I wot me, You did not. Tn fact
| I'll wot all the wots I have in stock on
the proposition and, II necessary, send
the hired girl out with a growler for
! more wots
Il anticipate that there should be very
little difficulty IN inducing Mayor Gaynor
| to subscribe to an Antiseptic Fourth.
| There's hardly the remote chance of his
| Fr, Rv;n Aff MI tD1
in the streets In defiance of a set of
ordinances framed by set of old gentle
men who haven't been boys for the
| last nine or ten thousand years. l doubt
If you'll read in the hospital reports that
| Governor Hughes blew down the muzzle
of his toy cannon to find out why It
didn't go off and found out simultaneous
" with the departure of his eyebrows and
whiskers
The probabilities are not strong at this
time that any of your leading magazine
publishers will be caught shooting off
pol ball Roman candles and his thumbs in
celebration of the day when all Ameri-
cans. with the exception of those who
import their clothes from London, were
| freed from the domination of the British.
Nobody, l predict, will see President
Taft galoping across the White House
grounds at eventide with load of sky
rockets and Afro-Amercan chasers under
each arm. AS long as the Fourth of July
continues to come on July 4 and July
continues to be in the middle of sum
mer every person Weighing over 200
pounds and more than 50 years old will
no doubt be perfectly agreeable to the
idea of celebrating the day on the shady
end of a club house porch, with an cleo
trio fan blowing free and neat waiter
bringing something around In a glass
| with ice in II at suitable intervals.
But, when the celebrant happens to
be about IA years old and has enough
surplus animal spirits stored up in him
to outfit a dog and pony show, the situa-
ton takes a slightly different aspect.
It's easy to libel a boy in literature. In
print he's always supposed to carry wa
ter for an elephant, although I never
knew of the case of an elephant that
needed any water carried to him, and
according to our best comic writer's the
bulldog always bites him in the same
place when he tires to steal apples out of
an orchard, whereas the known prefer
ence of bull dogs in real life is not to
bite anybody but if they do, to take the
drum stick and not the second joint.
| For purposes of publication you can
take untold liberties with him. But reg
| ulating his nervous energies by law is a
harder job. Do you think any Legislature
l
month from April or alter the season for
marble playing? No. sir. And as long as
cannon crackers make noise and small
boys love noise. you'll have great trouble
| keeping the two of them separated on
my birthday. Anyway the first Fourth
of July made a fairly big noise in the
world and probably got into the habit
| right from the start"
| Yes" / protested, but in the old days
| people showed their patriotism in a more
orderly manner They would meet In
grove and listen to the reading of the
| Declaration of Independence and"
Ibid you ever stop to think" broke in
the Spirit of Seventy-Six," that they en-
dured that part of it because they knew
afterward there would be some inspiring
| sports centering about the Greasy Broth
ers-Pig and Pole--and the exhlarating
outdoor pastime known as tanking up on
| hard cider? l am satisfied there are
more persons today who prefer TO read
the real Articles of Agreement for that
| little go out west than to hear the bugle-
the immortal document thatll be hun
dred and thirty odd years old its coming
birthday. Besides, never knew any
body who didn't know the first sentence
of 1t and did know the second Most
people think Now Is the time for all
good men to come to the aid of the party
follows right along behind the When In
the course of human events stuff that's
also so popular with beginners on the
tyDpwritrr And I sunnosa it'c i,,cf