davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01
GET A BALLOON.

Halleloo! Another victory over
mortal ailments has been record
ed. Sid Beckwith, one of the New
York ''smart fellers," has grab
bed Old Lady Insomnia by the
top-knot and tossed her back into
the unlamented erstwhile.
Sid says that if gentle Sleep
unfolds her downy wings and
fits away from you, and you want
to coax her back, all you have to
do is to get you a dirigible balloon
and take few moonlight rambles
among the stars. Then you can go
to bed the next night and sleep
two rows at time. So next time
you can't sleep, just hop out of
bed and take a little spin through
space, and come back cured. It's
very simple. And the beauty of
the remedy is that any sort of
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

di+igible balloon will do. They
are cheap, too. Beckwith says it
is foolish to pay more than fifty
thousand dollars for a balloon.
Every family should have several
on hand all the time, to be ready
in case of emergency.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

The Fool-Killer is a double
geared, self-acting buzz-saw with
teeth all over itself. It can rip off
more dog-hide from the carcass
of the foundering fool in thirty
minutes than will grow back in
thirty years.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01
HE WORRIED ABOUT TT.

He read in, the papers that there
would be war,
And he worried about it;
he couldn't imagine what all it was
for,
But he worried about it.
He read it in something, Or so it ap-
pears,
That the sun would go out in few
million years,
And it troubled his mind and it
doubled his fears,
And he worried about it.
The scientists told him there ID be a
great crash,
And he worried about it;
He dreamed of the universe going to
smash,
And he worried about it.
He knew that the earth would fall
into the sun,
Just like it was shot from Gatling-
gun
In few million years it would surely
be done
And he worried about it.
In far distant ages the coal would
give out,
And he worried about it;
And what they would burn was a
matter of doubt,
And he worried about it.
From the papers and books he had
managed to learn
That the Glacial Age was a-going tc
return,
With nothing this side Of hell thai
would burn,
And he worried about it.
His wife took in washing to pay fo'
their grub; Z
He didn't worry about it;
And when she was doubled up owe
the tub,
He didn't worry about it.
He sat by the fire, and he sat and h
sat,
And he smoked and he puffed and h
chewed and he spat;
AS to making living-his wife woul'
do that;
He didn't worry about it.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

Our American jury system is an
arrangement by which the blame
of deciding a lawsuit is spread
among twelve men, so that they
can make the verdict as idiotic as
possible without anyone III par
ticular being to blame.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

these two inseparable companions,
the Church and the World, go
hiking off to the DEVILS stomping-
ground, where the gossips and the
toughs congregate, and there they
almost rupture their leather lungs
trying to- see who can reel off the
biggest and nastiest yarns.
Some people seem to have an
idea that religion is a thing that
they can put on and off with their
Sunday coat-that they can be
saint in the church house and
devil everywhere else. But they
can't cram that sort of doctrine
down old Saint Peters windpipe.
When these double-faced hypo-
critics get to the Golden Gate and
try to slip through on the sly, old
man Peter will grab a chair-post
and frail the devil out of them,
There's no seventeen ways a.
bout it, a man simply can't serve
God and the Devil at the same
time. Neither can he serve God
one day and the Devil the next.
He must choose one side or the
other and then stick to it like a
puppy to root.
The professed Christian who
tries to stand in with the world by
doing as the world does, will dis
cover sooner or later that he new
er did have religion enough tc
save the soul of chicken-louse.
| / like to see a man show his
colors by getting down in the dust
with his new pants on to lead il
prayer. And it's all right for hin
to below 'Amen!" every minute
|during the sermon if he wants to
| All that looks good to me. Blu
when ! see the same sanctifiee
sniperjack set himself up as the
ring leader of a gang of neighbor
hood rowdies, cracking coars'
jokes and spinning vulgar yarns
by the hour for the amusement o.
said rowdies, ] feel that somebod.
ought to get busy with a black
snake whip or two-handed pad
die with holes in it.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01
THE DEVIL IS A DANDY.

He UEV1k 10 "A DANO1.
God created the devil, and then
kicked him out.
The children of God feed the j,
devil, and then he kicks them off
the grass.
The devil is the father of plut-
ocracy.
God made wisdom better than
riches, but forgot to provide wis
dom with club long enough to
whip the devil.
To please the devil seems to be
the object of all law and ambition.
If every man had devil, then
we should have an equal show and
a devil of a time-but as it is we
have a devil of time and devil
of poor show.
The devil is the banker of the
universe the prime mover and
partaker of the benefits of modern
legislation.
The devil serves nobody but
himself-and robs even those who
serve him.
The riches of the earth are the
DEVILS opportunity, and the trusts
are the means whereby he acquires
them ALL
The devil without a standing
army would be plutocratic foot
race to the bottom of the deep
blue sea.
The devil is the major-general
of all the wars of history, driving
fools to kill each other while he
rakes in the spoils.
| The devil smiles on the scene of
carnage, and quenches his thirst
in pools of blood.
| The devil rides horseback, and
never feeds his horse.
| Virtue and honor have nothing
| the devil does not claim.
| The devil is the power behind
the throne, the owner of politi-
clans, the creator of debts, and the
bondholder who profits thereby.
The devil is the organizer of
trusts, aud the systematic thief OF
time and labor.
The devil owns the Senate and
a part of the House, has the Pres
: ident by the coat-tail and controls
the working of the cabinet.
Parties come and go-but the
devil stays, and justice has two
black eyes and wears her summer
clothes all winter.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01
THE BIBLE AND ITS ENEMIES.

A great deal of hot air is being
shot off these days about defend
ing the Bible against the attacks
Of the atheists and infdels. Why,
bless your soul, mister, the old
Book don't need any defending.
Through all the past centuries of
darkness and doubt the Bible has
been taking care of itself, and it
is quite able to keep on doing so.
Every generation contributes
its little coterie of warty-souled
wiseacres who swell up on their
own little bigness and try to dis
prove the truth of the Bible. Each
one has a new method by which
he is going to lambast the eternal
tar out of the old Book and rel
egate it to the limbo of the dim
and shadowy past. He makes a
great splutter while he is at it,
and some of the short-sighted and
weakened brethren get scared
and think the Bible is in danger.
1.But it isn't. These great thunder
guns of infidelity, who turn them
selves loose against the Word of
God, always manage to blow
their own sawdust brains out first.
They spin around . few times like
a horsefy with pin in the seat
of his pants, or a fee dog with a
bone hung in its throat, and then
their little earthly spasm is over.
They have not injured the Bible a
particle, but they have played
Everlasting smash with their own
poor, puny souls.
| Any fool can go out in dry
weather when the sun is shining
land wallow in the dust and kick
up his heels until he is enveloped
lin q cloud of dust and can't see
1.-The sun. But the sun is shining
fright on, nevertheless. The Tom
| Paines and the Bob Ingersolls OF
this world are just like that
they paw and scrape in the black
dust of unbelief until they get
their eyes full and can't see the
glorious light of truth. The dark
ness is not in the Book, but in the
men.
So many Of these worldly-wise
wiggletails have tried to destroy
] the Bible and failed that it looks
, like they would quit after awhile
But the poor old addle-pated fools
haven't got sense enough to know
when they are beaten.
! See here, you self-made Solo
mons of the doubling persuasion
} you just might as we'll save your
{ breath to cool your dumpling
Your kick against the Eterna
Truth isn't paying dividends. 70,
remind me of an old razor-bacl
SOW trying to root the Rocky
Mountains down.
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-03

tomorrow morning on the local pas
senger train. The funeral will be
held at Echo Immediately following
the arrival of the remains. The SER
vice will be from the church and will
be under the auspices of the Rebekah
lodge. The dead woman has a host
of friends in the west end of this
county where she has lived for a
number of years. She was born in
Colorado on March 16, 1885. She was
married at Umatilla November 16.
1908, and is survived by her husband
and one child. For number OF
years past the family has lived near
Hermiston, where Mr.. Brownell fol-
lows irrigated farming and the dairy
business in partnership with broth
er. Mr. and Mrs. James Griffith, par
ents of the deceased, now live at
Yost Idaho, as does u sister Three
brothers, Will, Ben and Yell Grit
fifth, live at Buhl, Idaho. Llewellyn
Brownell. the bereaved husband, is a
son of d. c. Brownell OF Hermiston.
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-03
Advertised Letters.

Mrs. ]. F. Chapman, r. Carrier, Wa
Lung Chung, Ray Cooper, D. H. Co.'S
ia, Bill per S. A. Crouch, Tom Deer
ing, NJ. L. Darnell, ]. H. Diether,
Tom Burke. L. Borda, G. d. Beymer,
Fay Bernard, c. Bayliss, T. Alexander.
Molly Reed, Helen Hynes, c. B. Hay
worth. Frank Gerard, Henry German,
Bill Durrand, VIM. Duncan, d. w.
Doherty Frank Cantrell, c. A. Cam
eron, NJ. McGuill. w. H. Yyday, q;
Helen Linsner, Sophia Lell. Mrs. c..
Larson, I. Lake, D. c. Knowhon, C..
Koyle, " H. Kirby, B. F. Keith, AL
lie Johnston. John Jordan, Jas. Joyce,
Eta Jennings, Sophia Igo, w. Powell,
S Peers, Nellie Perkins, P. D. Tibers,
Olga Olson, H. L. Myers, Necy Much
els, C. Morgan, Ed Morrer, E. May,
Chas. Marsetti, Fred Marion. 2; F.
w. Snyder, Van Summers, S. G.. Shay,
B. Robinson, Mrs. J. Roberts, Nancy
Hoyt, Joe Hayse. VIM. Barnhart. Jno.
Moses, NJ. Peo, G. Proebstell, V. Pow
ELL Geo. Young, Edna Yager, Sam
Wilson. H. T. Wolfe, Mrs. Ed Wamer,
Mrs. Guy Wade, c. A. Thomas, Miss
Summers, E. A. Sullivan, May Stick
Ter, P. S. Fanton, H. E. Stevens, An
ton Urban, Minnie Wells, Frank
Wilburn, Dan Spownhover, Geo. Pro-
pert, Tony Vyico. NJ. Bozzo. B. Ger
ber E. ]. Nolin, j. A. Montgomery,
Packages-T. r. Van Vert, Frank
Julien.
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-03
BIG STORE IN TRIM
FOR HOLIDAY TRADE

The Peoples Warehouse is being
decked out in gala holiday attire to-
day. Strings Of artificial holly are
being used artlstically and to great ad-
vantage in decorating the big store
from basement to third floor
Not the least attractive OF the dec
orations Is the arrangement Of the
beautiful holiday goods. The assort-
ment and the arrangement was never
better and the store has seldom, II
ever appeared to better advantage
than it does at the present time. Spe-
cial work has also been done towards
Illuminating the store.
The holiday decorations of the big
store have always been feature Of
the Christmas shopping In Pendlteon.
In past years evergreens have been
used in profusion but aside from the
fact that they were dangerous
from a fire standpoint they were not
satisfactory in other ways.
The usual Saturday night concert
will be given in the store tonight and
a concert will be given each night Of
Christmas week.
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-03
PERSONAL
MENTION

Peter O'Sullivan came in today
from his ranch near Ritter.
Henry Means of Umatilla, is tran
sacting business in Pendleton today.
DR.. w. Cole left this morning for
Portland to spend Sunday with his
family
Milton Ross, formerly of this city,
is here today enroute to Joseph, Wal
Iowa county.
Lowell Rogers of Adams Is down
from that place today for the tram
saction of business.
Jerry Stone came down from Athe-
ma this morning to transact business
at the county seat.
DIR. NJ. S. Kern left this morning for
the west end of the county to care
for business interests.
J. 7. Lieuallen, the Adams wheat
rancher, came down from that part Of
the county this morning.
w. NJ. Castle, publisher of the
Echo Echoes has been in the city to-
day from the west end town.
City Recorder Frank Mckenzie is
up from Hermiston today and will re-
turn this evening on the motor.
E. L. McBroom has returned to the
city from the Susanville country where
he had been upon business trip.
Jack Watson and Lee Drake leave
this evening for Hermiston in search
of ducks, wild geese and other game,
]. S. Ross, we'll known farmer
living just south of Weston, has been
in the city today attending to busi-
ness affairs.
C. H. Russell and family Of Nye
were here today. They are en- route
to Santa Cruz. Calf, where they will
spend the winter.
C. G. Brownfield, of Umatilla, ha:
been in the city today having beer
called here from Portland by the sud
den death of his brothers wife.
Osmond Hager of Heppner, who haI
been visiting relatives and transact
| ing business in Pendleton for a few
days, left for his home this morning
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-03
Cost of Running Empire.

Parls.-Just how much per hour 1t
costs to run the French administra-
ton during the nineteenth century
has been calculated by a statistician,
who has been exploring the public ac-
counts from 1901 to 1900.
AS result of his labors he Is able
to state that under the consulate and
the first empire the state coach was
run at cost Of $4,000 per hour.
Under the restoration the cost was
'$23,S00. In the time of Louis Philip
pc 1t was $4,000. Under the repub-
lie OF 1S4S the cost has risen to 1884,
400.
In the second empire the rate was
s49,S00. In the third republic-the
last year of the nineteenth century,
the hourly sum was s92,600.
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-03
HERM|STON SCHOOL
WAS DEDICATED
LAST NIGHTS PROGRAM
ATTENDED BY OVER $50
New Building Cost SO,0O0-Hermis-
ton Duck Hunters Distribute Ton
of Wheat to Ducks-News of Pro-
ject City.
Especial Correspondence

Hermiston, Ore, Dec. S.-The ded-
ication of the new $4,000 school
house last evening proved to be one
of the events of the season. There
were over $50 in attendance, the pro-
gram was as follows:
Opening address-Prof H. NJ. Gum,
of the Hermiston High School.
Special selection-Barks ochestra.
Address-Rev. Cash of the Baptist
church, Hermiston.
Observation-Disclosures Ladies quartet,
composed of Mrs. w. Correll. Mrs.
C. C. Reeves, Miss Randall and
Mrs. G. H. Upthegrove.
Address-Prof. Frank Wells, County
Superintendent of Umatilla County.
Music .... Barks' Orchestra
Club swinging ..... ]. L. thompson
Piano Duet-Misses Irwin and Num-
man.
Address-Attorney ]. T. Hinkle. Of
Hermiston.
Selection " Barks' Orchestra
After the program, the people were
asked to look over the new building,
and were lead to the refreshment
rooms where they were given refresh
ments.
This entertainment was given by
the Young Mems Association and
the School Board of Hermiston, and
will long be remembered as one of
the best yet given by the association.
Hermiston Notes.
The Hermiston gun club today put
in over a ton of wheat in the hunting
ponds for feed for the ducks, this
will be one of the very best duck
hunting preserves in this part of the
country this fall and winter, they
have certain days when the members
of the club go hunting, and only kill
so many ducks each.
Prof. Frank x. Welles, county su-
perintendent of public schools, spent
yesterday in Hermiston looking over
the new school building, and attended
the opening of the school last even
ing, he left for Pendleton this morn.
ing.
Mr.. W. c. Stewart, of Seattle, Is II
Hermiston looking after his 100 acre
tract in the third unit. He expects t
make his home here the first of thu
year, and now is making arrangement
to put in so acres in fruit trees a
once, the balance in Alfalfa, tn
building of a new home will com
mence this month on his land.
Miss Hazel Holland who has beel
the guest of her father P. C. Holland
OF this city, returned to her hom
this morning after a three weeks visit
Col. H. G.. Newport is in Portlan
this week on business and is expect
ed to return this evening.
Word has been received fror
friends Of Edgar S. Loudenslager an
A. c. Crawford that they have arriv
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-03
Presbyterian,

At IL o'clock Rev. w. S. Holt, D. D,
of Portland, will preach, and at the
evening hour, 1880 o'clock, Rev. DR..
Milligan of Portland will preach. A
supper at o'clock and conference
has been arranged for Saturday eve
ming. This supper is being prepared
by the ladies of the church for the
men of the congregation and a cor
dial invitation is extended to all
Sunday school at the usual hour, 10
o'clock: C. E. society at $50 o'clock
1t is hoped that a large audience will
greet these men on this occasion.
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-03
ECHO MAN VICTIM
IN BAD ACCIDENT
Especial Correspondence }

Echo Ore, Dec. 3.-H. f. Stevens,
manager of the Echo Lumber COM
pany, met with a very serious accident
last night while returning home by
team from Noln. While reaching
down to pick up a line that had fall
en- he was kicked in the head, his up
per jaw was crushed and most of his
teeth knocked out He was dragged
for a considerable distance. He was
brought in to DR.. Dorn's office and
later taken to Pendleton on the early
morning train.
Echo Notes.
The Funeral of Mrs. Lewellyn
Brownell, who died at the st. An
thongs hospital on Saturday morning,
will be held here tomorrow.
The protracted meetings held here
are we'll attended and Mr.. Bakers
sermons are enjoyed by all
A special conference was held here
last night at Bethel Hall by the Pres
byterians Besides the local pastor,
s L. Clark, there were present, w. s.
Holt Of Portland, Ernest F. Hall of
San Francisco, DR.. Milligan of Port
land and ]. F. Vernon of Prescott
The visiting clergymen left for Pen
dleton on the motor this morning.
Mr.. and Mrs. Carl Gilbert were sur
prised on Thursday evening by their
friends at their home on Sprague
street. Dainty refreshments were
served and pleasant time was en-
joyed by all.
w. J. Stapish, treasurer of the
Western Land & Irrigation company
left last evening for Baker City, look
ing after business interests. He will
be absent until after Sunday.
Mr.. and Mrs Gul Durham, former
ly Of Portland, are now here and will
spend the winter in Echo.
Albert Niebergall of Walla Walla
was a business visitor here yesterday.
l.. T. Link visited in Pendleton to-
day.
Mrs. r. P. East spent today with
her daughter, Mrs. Eva Skinner in
Stanfield.
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-03
o. \. c. Alumni Meeting.

Members of the Umatilla county O..
\. c. alumni association will meet at
Q o'clock this evening at the Hotel
Bowman. The meeting is called to
make arrangements for the holding
OF the associations annual reunion.
All graduates, students and former
students of the Oregon Agricultural
College, are asked to be present.
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-03
Bean Wins on a FonI.

Babe Bean won the three-mile skat-
ing race at the ring last night on a
foul. The three miles required 50
laps and in making a turn on the 47th
lap, Albert Cook attempted to pass
Bean, but instead showed him through
the post. Bean was therefore given
the victory. He announced this morn
ing, however, that as soon as his knee
is well he wants to race with Cook
again. a crowd of $50 witnessed the
race last night.
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-03
Big Ample Shipment.

Five carloads Of apples from one
small Pendleton orchard Is evidence
Of the fact that this is a fruit Sec
ton. The apples were produced on
the Oliver farm just west Of town.
Three cars have already been ship
ped to the middle west, one car is be-
ing billed out this afternoon, while
a fourth carload was sold for local
consumption. OF the four cars be-
ing shipped, three go to Montana and
one to Nebraska. The oliver orchard
was equipped with smudge pots this
spring. the trees were pruned, spray
ed and cared for in every way in an
uptodate manner. The result has
been that r. L. oliver and son, r. N.
Oliver who are farming the place,
have been amply repaid for all the
work and expense.
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-03
Mrs. Raer Dies i'm Illinois.

f. E. Baer, linotype operator for
the East Oregonian, received news
this morning Of the death of his
mother Mrs. Mary Baer, which
occurred last night in Millidge-
Vile, Illinois. Mrs. Baer was So years
Of age and was well known in this
city, having spent last winter and
summer at the home Of her son in this
city. The cause of death was not
stated in the message, but it is known
that she was not i'll more than few
days.
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-03
Lovers OF Dogs Meet Tonight.

A meeting of dog fanciers and just
plain lovers of dogs will be held at
1880 this evening in the offices Of
Attorney Charles ]. Ferguson in the
Judd building. The purpose of the
meeting is to form a local kennel
club and arrange for a bench show.
which will probably be held at the
same time of the poultry show. Among
those interested in the proposition
are Judge S A. Lowell, Attorney
Charles H. Carter, Attorney c. j.
Ferguson, John Dyer, F. e. Earnhart,
G. I. La Dow, Norbourne Berkeley,
Al Despair and Will Miesse. There
are doubtless a number of others who
will be at the meeting tonight.
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-03
Farm Colony for Exiles.

st. Petersburg.-The government
has under consideration a scheme to
provide farm colonies" for the pro-
ductive expenditure of criminal labor
in connection with the abolition of
penal exile to Siberia. This last was
decreed by the Emperor ten years ago
but 1t is still impossible to give eff
feet in practice to his majesty's edict
The idea OF reclaiming for agriculture
some of the vast tracts of waste land
in Russia by the aid OF criminal la
Dor in connection with the great
agrarian settlement scheme is de-
clared to be one OF the happiest ideas
that has been met with in Russia for
a long time past.
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-03
Ieaye for California.

Manager George Gillette of the To-
cal Western Union Telegraph office,
accompanied by Mrs. Gillette, left
this morning for Portland where they
will visit for a few days before leav-
ing for California to spend the win
ter. They will be joined in Portland
next week by Dick Sullivan, who
will accompany them as far as San
Francisco.
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-03
Lndoate CnSc POStnOned.

Mrs. Mae Ludgate, who was arrest
ed recently on a charge of conducting
a bawdy house in West Pendleton,
and who was to have been tried yes
terday afternoon at o'clock, is be-
ing given a hearing before Judge
Thomas Fitz Gerald The case was
postponed until $3.50 today
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-03
Side Walk Is Omen.

For the first time in many weeks,
the sidewalk in front of the Temple
building on Main street is open for
traffic. Ever since the work of re-
modelling the building was started the
walk in front has been closed to traf-
fic. Not the least pleasing feature is
the concrete which replaces the old
board walk.
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-03
Large Drove of Cattle Through.

Henry Lazinka, the big Camas prai-
rie rancher, passed through Pendle-
ton today with $50 head of cattle
which he is taking to the Wallula
country for the winter. OF this num-
Der 400 were big steers and $50 were
cattle and smaller stuff. He left about
zoo head of calves behind on the
farm.
East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current, 1910-12-03
Sock Homo in salem.

Judge. II. j. Bean, who was recently
elected to a position on the supreme
bench, accompanied by Mrs. Bean, left
this afternoon for Salem. They will
spend a few days in the state capital
in search of home for the next four
years.