The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1910-06-19

euse the straight-front who goes about
with hang nail disposition and his face
screwed up Into a hard and knobby
bunch like Sandrocl1 Sadie, the lady
catcher of the Bloomer Girls Baseball
nine. They'll say he has chronic dyspep-
STA, poor man, and sympathize with him.
But let a fat man stop smiling and he s
nothing but ponderous pachyderm with
a crouch, and deserving Of the contempt
of all
''Who does anything for the fat men?
Who thinks of tEom except the car
toonists? Nobody. All the clothes are
made for persons having the sylph-like
qualities of a clarionet, and always WERE
II you doubt 1t. you have only to ac-
quire my kind of figure, or any other
figure that makes people think of five
gallons of lard in a sour-gallon measure
and then try to buy a shirt out of STOCK
that won't peek -a-boo where 1t shouldn't
1t was true of doublets in my day and
have inside Information that it's true
of even more intimate garments in yours.
Did the Pullman family have any thought
for travellers who might run a trifle above
the normal when they designed their
celebrated sleeping cars? They did not
Did you ever see a large, stout passeng-
er occupying two dollars worth of upper
berth on a summer night and overlooking
H. like crock of salt-rising dough In
hot kitchen? To me 1t Is the next most
distressful thing in the world to observing
the same party in the act of retiring
into his cosy accommodations on the fiat
of his back and trying to get his trousers
off without choking himself to death in
his suspenders. Who builds theatre seats
for man who may weigh as much as
200 pounds say, and from there up? II
tt i.,+a ~.
nary orchestra chair of commerce, he
has choking sensations and the chair
breaks down with him; and If he peril
ously perches one fold OF himself on the
edge of it, he has forbodings of impend-
ing disaster which prevent him from en-
tering into the spirit of the occasion with
the desired heartiness.
WHO wants the fat waiter to wait on
him on a humid day unless he brings thu
food in covered dishes, and even so, there
is apt to be a suggestion as of rain pat
tering on a tin roof, that Is distasteful
to many. Who gets cursed In the crush
on the subway-the unfortunate stout
gentleman who can't even see who 1t Is
that's standing on his feet,s or the worm
like, skinny, little wretch who wedges
his way into an almost imperceptible
Granny and then wriggles about? Need
answer?
"A thin man trying to fieshen up so
he won't fall all the way through his
pants when he puts them on of a morning
is a laudable object, and one to be en-
couraged. But when a fat man gets tired
of having to take the boys word for 1t
that he needs a shine and undertakes to
reduce his waist line a few poles, perches
and rods, why it's a cue for all hands
to guffaw merrily. And 1t never does
him any good, anyhow. He uses health
exercisers until his eyes bulge out of his
cheeks like a pair of Yale locke He
puffs like switch engine on an up
grade. And at the end of an agonized
month he finds he's added on 10 pounds
and can no longer get the watch out of
the fob pocket by simply holding his
breath and pulling with both hands. but
now has to undress partly to find out what
time 1t is.
But pray don't get the idea that
because a man is built like the class
leader of an elephant quadrille he has a
skin like one. The harpoon that has the
most surface to ranlzle in is the one that
naturally does the most ranking. The
understanding Behemoth is a large, i'm
pressive object as he meanders down the
| River Nile looking like a floating Sar-
atoga trunk with a ping rubber lining, but
| 1t only takes one little dumdum bullet
to convert him into a moist set of remains
| weighing two tons and half He's not
| near as hard to wound in a vulnerable
| spot as the nightAbloming tabby cat be-
cause he has the vulnerable spots dis
tributed all over him. One wallop on the
snout turns the seal into sacque The
mild-eyed seacow is as big as a two-fam-