The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1910-06-08
HOW TO USE
NEWEST EXCUSE
The Very Latest Method of
Sidestepping
MONTHLY STATEMENT
Money Has Been Sent to the Govern
ment Laundry TO Be Cleaned,
Pressed and Mended-Clever
Debtors Letter
MONTHLY STATEMENT
From the Chicago News.

From the Chicago News.
A movement is on foot Just now to
establish currency laundry in connec-
ton with the national treasury The
purpose is to take the bills and cur
rency certificates that have become un-
slightly and make them spick and span
and spotless once more
| A good many ideas come to the mind
of the ingenious and impecunious man
as he digests this situation. Already [
nave framed a letter to send out to
multitude of persons who misguidedly
sent me brief, uninteresting and sta
tisticallooking epistles at the begin
ming of each month. This Is the sub
stance of the letter:
Dear Sir: have your monthly state
ment this morning. 1t looks much as 1t
has looked before, with a few addi-
lions L believe your bookkeeper has
improved his handwriting-or is it a
new hand? The one who sent this same
| bill last year and the year before
seemed to slant his letters more than
does the man who made out the state
ment received today. Maybe the man
who began sending me this bill has
succumbed to the ravages of that In
durable diseases, senility, and you have
secured one with the vertical ideas in
penmanship, whether his life is vertical
or otherwise
Il have two reasons for writing you at
| some length. One is that | have had
many letters from your office and have
not answered any of them. I am a very
| poor correspondent. Sometimes I let let
ters from one person or firm accumulate
for years, and then answer them all with
one brief note either in person or from a
referee In bankruptcy.
MY other reason for replying to you
| now is to tell you why l am not paying
you this month. I have the money, all
right, and could have sent 1t to you just
as well as not: but last week when I got
1t all ready to send you / noticed that
some of the bills were soiled. others were
rumpled and some of them needed mend
| ing. One of the twenties was perfectly
| disgraceful In its appearance. / said to
myself: What would my cherished cred
| itor think of such bill as that? 1t is
! almost as old as the account we have.
| could never look him in the face after
sending such neat and tasty gentleman
that demoralized-looking note. / shall
have it laundered
"A careful inspection of the other yell
| lowbacks and smaller bills showed SINH
lar untidiness. A ten had got smeared
with Jelly while my youngest boy was
| playing with 1t at breakfast, and two OF
three of the other tens had been scorched
| slightly while my cook was using them In
slipped a package of ffties under the
meat platter to keep from overheating
the varnish on the table and some drops
of grease stopped on them and made them
| terribly tacky looking.
so l sent them off by the subtreasury
laundryman the last time he called. When
they come back and If they are satisfac-
tory done and do not have to be done
over l shall pay you.
m friQhfftIIIy nneasv ah0ut them
now, however. They may shrink. I never
thought of that till I'd sent them.
hope they will not, though that is a habit
my money always has had Besides,
forgot to put my laundry mark on the
bills and they may get mixed up with
somebody else's washing, so I may get a
package of ones instead of the fifties,
twenties and tens l sent.
"sA soon as get the money back from
the laundry, If it is all rights and has held
its color and didn't shrink or get torn in
the mangle or scorched in ironing, I'll
| send you the amount of your bill They
may starch 1t too stiff or it may be too
negligee, though money has never been
loose with me. In either case, of course
I'll have the bills done over. | shall see
that Ben Harrison's and Salmon p
Chase's faces are good and clean. shall
wipe Rutherford p. Hayes nose If nee
eSsary ana tnen llquldate. PROVIDED, OF
| course. nothing happens to the money
------------s.- -------
How Aligators Kill Their Victims
From the Wide World Magazine
Late that afternoon when the lagoon
was aglow with the wonderful copper hues
of Papuan sunset, someone pointed out
to me long dark streak moving swift
ly across the water two or three hundred
yards away. and in the streak Just the
slightest speck of black. 1t was an ALI
gator at last
Now you see why you can't go swim
ming In the lagoon I was told. They
are worse than sharks. They don't show
themselves and give you chance: they
Just come underneath you and will pull
you down-and that's all you, or any
one else. knows about it, They eat you al
once-only hold you under water till you
are drowned, or half pulled to pieces, and
then store you somewhere under a bank
or in a hole till you are high enough
! to be savory-just you would do will
a pheasant. you know. He's a knowing
beggar, the alligator: the shark isn't IN
1t with him for brains and savvy."
- -- .1@ 90 d
A Hard Game
From Tit Bits. Iii ~
eve just been having a tussle witt
the DEF tist'
..Ah Who came ffbest?'
! sOh-ar-if WAS A drawi"