Tombstone epitaph., 1910-05-08
ARIZONA EICKER'
 EORNER
(By the Late Frank Alley 4 HEART TO HEART
 TALK WITH BOYS.

This heart to heart racket Is crowding the limit of human patience without Arizona getting in on IL
 For seventeen long years of twelve months each. several noted lady con tributors to the metropolitan papers and other righteous criterions. not having a baby to sob over themselves. must get into the ring and tell fond parents how to tra'l their juveniles.
 Their palpitating racket has all been dedicated to the suculent school girl. The boys in their lofty estima- tion do not seem to be worth saving. They seem to forget that you may prowl through all the spurs, dips and angles of scripture and mythology and you cant find a female angel Those winged gentry are. without exception of the nasty" masculine variety. So now. l want to have heart to heart talk with boys. Ar.Zona boys, boys with some life in them and enough of blood at least for mosquitoes dinner.
 The best object lesson l can submit for your benefit boys is to give you brief insight into my own model meth ods of living. l who at the tender age of forty-five have vindicated my claims to financial ability by accumu-
 
 of khaki. a camp bed, and reputation ad lititum.
 l am careful about my diet l eat nearly every day. l prefer edible birds nests, green turtle soup, broiled smelt and pate de foi gras. but have been known to piece out on mulligan. l take a daily "bawthe" by jumping into friend, consent to absorb another cock tail, and wind my Waterbury watch Just then the bewitching accent of Cactus Johnny em'nating from a beaming countenaDce. advances an in. vitation and l haven't the heart to refuse.
 I now repair to the restaurant and read the bill of fare. Pork chops. nut ton chops. beef steak, ham and - bacon and liver" and l back off and take another "neryer" Five times in diametrical and swift succession do l advance to the assault on that pie counter. and five times do load on those fluid thunderbolts of despera- tion before can tackle that indefer- entiated conglomeration of bull neck cotton seed lard and saw dust bread.
 Then, as all p3'riotlc citizens should. ga Gown O see the train in, and if owe a solitary old Hazard on earth, he is cure to be on that train. Fortunately the train only stops a minute. but the reproachful eyes of that old timer as a merciless locomotive drags him out of sight, haunts my dreams for weeks after ward
 Now these are the simple rules which in my case have preserved beau ty, dignity, manly bearing, business success and measure of personal at tractiveness which renders it prac- tlcally impossible to shoo the ladies off of me
 FIRST-Never take drink unless you have chance, it denotes bad breeding.
 SECOND-Turn your socks every morning or as often as you take them off.
 Third-Make your table attractive by spreading a brand new copy of the War Cry over your old Arbuckle cof- lee box, when you have company.
 FOuRTH-Air your blankets every Fourth of July, if it is not raining.
 FIFTH-Masticate your food thor oughly, ard if you find any difficulty in the operation. send your teeth back to Sears. Roebuck & Co, where you got them and demand satisfaction under your guarantee.
 SXTH-Whenever you feel that your moral system demands a total revolution. get married, embrace Christian Science or join the Salva- tion Army. You all observe what this strenuous regime has done for me Fall in young man and profit by my shining example.