The Newport miner. [volume] (Newport, Wash.) 1899-current, 1910-10-27
WHEN ABNER
GOT MAD
By M. QUAD
Copyright, 1910, by Associated Lit
erary Press.
By M. QUAD

ways talked as if he intended to marry
Eunice, but he didn't come down to
details. He didn't ask her to name
the day and arrange the bridal tour.
Eunice liked Abner and bore with him,
but she was getting rather tired Of it
when her Aunt Hannah came on
visit. Aunt Hannah saw Abner two
or three times, understood his nature
and then said to her niece:
"Look here. you've got poke Of
man hanging around after you, and it
may be ten years more before he'll
say anything about marriage. Are
you going to put up with it or do
something's"
why, auntie, what can l do?"
sect mad at him and make him
think he's going to lose you"
''He only laughs when get mad"
'Then set in and criticise his feet.
his nose, his eyebrows. Tell him that
he's the homeliest man you ever saw"
II don't think he'd mind it at ALL"
Didn't you ever see him show any
temper?"
mot bit. He was run over by a
drove Of hogs once and got up laugh
ing. No, you can't make Abner mad.
He's a poke. but an awfully good
man."
"And are you going to keep right on
for the next fifty years. are you?"
One afternoon three or four days
later a vinegar barrel with one head
out was left at the house by the grocer
to be used as rain barrel. The house
stood on quite hill, and there was
sharp slope down to the village street.
About the hour Abner usually appear
ed Eunice was sent on an errand to
the other side Of the village, and when
the poke" arrived Aunt Hannah was
the one to greet him. She took him
to the corner of the house where the
barrel stood and promptly began:
'see here. Mr.. Jackson. you've been
dawdling around here for years. What
are you after?"
"Why-why"- he stammered as he
leaned up against the house and could
say no more.
couldn't. You've come here almost ev-
cry night in the week for months and
years and squatted yourself down, and
what for? Your talk can't interest
anybody. The sight Of you isn't in
spring. If l was Eunice I'd just as
soon have wooden man around. And
yet you come and squat and squat. 1
ask you, sir, what you mean by such
conduct"
IL guess I'll go home" answered
Abner. who was too astolished to see
straight
And l guess you WON'T" said Aunt
Hannah. lat least not until you have
explained yourself. I've been looking
at you. If had a COW as homely as
you are I'd knock her In the head with
the ak. Hump shouldered. bowlegged
and feet like an elephant. and yet you
come here and squat around and take
up a girls time! Why, man. what can
you think of yourself?"
III never come again." exclaimed
Abner in changed voice.
That's good. That's what l want
ed to hear you say. Go and squat
somewhere else. Go and find the home
Hest girl in the country to match you.
The first time saw you | knew you
was a poke of man and you hadn't
grit enough to push toad off it's nest"
woman. be careful! II you aggra-
vate me too much
"Aggravate an old poke! Why, man,
it would take you three years to get
mad, even If you started in tonight"
The next thing she knew she was
being lifted off her feet in Abner's
strong arms and deposited in the handy
barrel. Before she could yelp twice
the barrel was whirled on it's side
and given kick to start it down the
slope. 1t took an cratic course. It
ran to the right few feet and then
SHE'D to the left. 1t stopped for a
moment at a gooseberry bush and
then lodged and jumped clear over
crabapple tree. There were yelling and
screaming from the inmate of the bar
rel, but Abner stood and watched the
circus and shouted back:
I'm a poke, am L? Pm a souatter
am I? I've got bowlegs and bumped
shoulders and feet like an elephant
Col durn your hide, roll onn
And the barrel rolled, and Aunt Han
nah rolled, and neither Of them STOP
ped rolling till the barrel crashed
through the fence and brought I'D
against shade tree in the street. No
one was killed. No bones were broken.
Aunt Hannah crept out and up to the
house and was just finished with the
last OF the arnica when Miss Euntce
came rushing in with radiant face to
exclaim:
Il was coming back homeland
met Abner-and he was swearing
and he grabbed me by the armand
he said he'd break my neck If didn't
go right to the preachers and be mar
r1ed-and-and''-
"And you went?''
Eyes, and we were married. l had
ina