The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1910-06-19
LIVE TALKS WITH DEAD ONES
"Sir John Falstaff Discusses Fat Men"
BY IRWIN S. COBB
t<rTAKE it from one who knc

<<TAKE it from one who knows,
this thing of being a fat
Il man has its drawbacks, =
said Sir John Falstaff, as he leaned
hook and dawdled himself gently on
his own lap. people will always laugn
at a fat man, and sometimes oot raie
w. they'll laugh with him. put ''e'
won't weep with him.
"Take a present example went oh
good Sir John, pushing his stomach up
higher on his chest and making an IN
effectual attempt to cross one leg over
tho other. "Just look at what's been
happening these last few days. 1our
former president, not a fat man py any
manner of means, but pleasantly plump
returns In a quiet and unostehtatioue
manner from his simple little eAcui-
sion abroad, to find the popula'ion VI
the United States down at the laho
ing ready to cheer and to pray. Anu
what of your regular President what,
7 ask Won. of him? Where is he, when
Teddv comes marching home 10 De
greeted by a nation that wonders what
he's going to do next but Is strons loi
IT. whatever 1t is. Is he down at the
water front so that the ship bearing b.
Tumbo can dock alongside OF MIN IN
stead of a regular pier? is ne thefe
splitting the bouquets fifty-fifty ana
breaking even on the glad plaudlts OF
RI a multitude? Do we discern him oc-
cunvine the lower end of Manhattan
Island. standing with arms outstretched
to enfold the wondering prod1gal TO
his bosom and suffocate him to death
under the third chin? We do not,
But on looking closely at the map
of the Middle West. we observe a large,
warm man suffering from so much
prickly heat that it pushes his clothes
out from him, and we see him on a plat
form In a college chapel with one hand
trying to make his shirt bosom stay
put and with the other reckoning q
hallful of close packed young co-eds ON
to the Higer Life. There you have the
situation in a nutshel1 Teddy coming
up to town and the town coming down
to Teddy Flags flying. Rough Riders,
temporarily out of office, dancing JOY
ously in their high cavalry boots and
between steps figuring up how long it'll
be until March 4. 1912. Clifford Pinchot
pinch citing nadly, first on one leg and
then on the other. Insurgents insurging
to and fro, and pro and con. Ech oes
resounding. as Is their custom. oh, say,
can you see by the rockets red glare
that all of our heros front teeth are
still there? You sure can! And also
those well-b beloved eyeglasses. For he's
Jolly good fellow and there'll be II
hot time in the old town tonight, Will
liam B. Hearst to the contrary notwith-
standing. Oh joy, oh gee, oh happy day,
But far, far away in the heart of
the sultry, sunlit interior miles and
miles remote from the reverberating
and vociferous seaboard, seem to see
the present incumbrance in a free state
of perspiration, running opposition las
a drawing attraction to the Sweet Girl
Graduate who is o-called, / take 1t,
because in spite of being a graduate
she nearly always manages to keen
on being sweet girl. And there you
are, my friend there you are!
"In the name of the Fat Men of Ills
tory, 1 protest. We've never had fair
deal and but few comfortable spells of
weather since civilization first dawned
and came up red and warm. If we stay
in good humor, people say it's nothing
moro than is to be expected of persons
built that way. But If we do grow a mite
peevish and fussy under intense provo
cation, we start in, right that minute.
acquiring unpopularity and there's so
much more of us. to be unpopular, so
much more territory to be covered, as it
were, that no sparse and slender person
that ever looked like a Jointed rod can
hope to get into the same class with
any one OF us, when 1t comes to being
enthusiastically disliked.
Ihere's always somebody ready to ex-