davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Monte Vista journal., 1910-03-19
WAYS and Means,

During what is called an 'observa-
ton lesson, a mistress was question
Ing class of small boys on certain
points or things they had observed in
connection with the habits of animals
In water
lady asked.
With their fins replied one
scholar.
Right. And dogs?"
Their paws" answered the next
Very good. And. now. the next
boy. what do little boys swim with?"
'Bathing-pants, NUM-"
The Monte Vista journal., 1910-03-19
MAKING Them "rurn In"

Capt. Pritchard Of the Cunard line.
has inherited all the quiet humor OF
the Celt He was asked one day how
he would make passengers obey the
regulation order that, after midnight,
none but members Of the crew should
be on deck.
81 should politely remind them that
II was time to turn in" he said.
And suppose they refused" per.
suaded the questioner. would you
use force to compel them to retire?'
use force to gentlemen who mere.
~ wish to enjoy fine night" ex.
claimed the commander. Never! I
would merely given an order. 'Bo's'n.
clean decks"
The Monte Vista journal., 1910-03-19
Devised a New Schedule

form. Some Of them were going away
and some OF them weren't and Just
M the last moment arrived everybody
started In 10 kiss everybody else. All
OF this took valuable time md the gen.
ial Joseph was patiently waiting.
"All aboard" he finally shouted.
nftcr standing for tho sweetness Ms
long AZ he could. This train for Phil.
adeiphia and way stations"
"Oh. Mr.. Gordon" Euxhfully cried .
little fairy. wait Just . minute. won't
you? ! must kiss Bessie Eood.by."
"All right" returned Joe. hcavinE .
large. sad sigh. but b ~ quick 40
you can. please. We are about $50
kisses late now."-Philadclphia Tslo
graph.
The Monte Vista journal., 1910-03-19
Near.Rilliards.

Two travelling statesmen. detained in
a little village hotel. were introduced
to crazy little billiard table and =
set of balls which were OF uniform
dirty gray color.
But how do you tell the red from
the white?" asked one of the guests.
"Oh," replied the landlord. you
soon get to know them by thei1
shape.'-Success Magazine.
The Monte Vista journal., 1910-03-19
His Speciality.

II don't believe you would work II
you had the opportunity" seofied the
Industrious housewife.
Oats where you do me an injus.
tice. num-" smiled Sandy Pixies. A.
he wiped away n tear. For ten long
years I've been trying to get an open.
work Job In n drug store"
AN opcn.work job In a drug store?
What kind OF Job Is that"
"Why. cutting holes in porous plas.
tiers. mum"
The Monte Vista journal., 1910-03-19
Anxious About Firstborn.

II guess we'd better weigh the
youngster."
But you weighed him only twenty
minutes ago, old fellow"
We'll, maybe he's gained little"
Washington Herald.
The Monte Vista journal., 1910-03-19
STATE OF ONO CRY OF TOLEDO.

6TATH OF OHIO CITY OF TOLEDO. -
LUCAS COUNTY. IS.
FRANK J. CHENEY makes oath that he Is senior
partner OF the nrm OF +. J. CHENEY 4 Co. doing
business In the City of Toledo, County and State
Aforesaid, and that said firm Will pay the OF
ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS for each and every
OF CArARRH that cannot be cured by the use Of
HALLS CATARRH CURE.
FRANK j. CHENEY.
Sworn to before and subscribed In my presence
this 9Th day Of December. A. D.. 1856.
! SEAL -, -,
49, -'''H"' snL'S.
Halls Catarrh Cure Is taken internally and acts
directly upon the blood and mucous surfaces OF tbs
system. Send for testimonials, free.
+. J. CHENEY x Co. Toledo. O.
Sold by all Druggists. 75c.
Take Halls Family Pills for constipation.
The Monte Vista journal., 1910-03-19
Malinda's Homecoming
By NELLIE CRAVEY GILMORE
Copyright. 1903 by Associated Literary Press)

years ago! He had, then, ceased to
take even a friendly interest in her
and gone SO far as to send her pic.
ture back home-without line to
her. And then 1t came over her with
rush-why she had suddenly real.
lied the emptiness OF her life in New
York: why she had come home and
broken everything up at its very zen.
it'll. And now! quick. mad desire
to turn and slip away, on. OF the
house, back to her work, took posses
sion OF her. lnvoluntarily, she picked
up her parasol and bag and turned
toward the door. But the sound OF .
footstep in the adjoining room. her
bedroom. caused her to stop short.
The sight OF half.smoked cigar ~.
ing on the table caught her attention
transiently. Her father! He must
have cared very much indeed about
his hayward girl. she unused. to be
coming-perhaps living in her own
rooms! A little sob caught In her
throat. and she sank into chair. It
ing back now after what she had dis.
covered.
A second later the door at her back
was pushed softly open and some one
came in. Malinda bit her lips hard
for self-mastery. Then a voice that
sent the blood tingling to her temples
spoke her name
Miss Lassiter!"
The girl was on her feet in an in.
slant. pale. embarrassed. bewildered.
She essayed to speak. but the word
smothered on her lips.
I'm awfully sorry" began Now.
bray. apologetically. but thought
you knew
Malinda was regarding him dazedly.
horrible fear knocking at her heart.
II had been almost a month since she
had heard from home: could 1t be
possible that-that anything had hap.
pened? The tears rushed blindingly
to her eyes. and she staggered.
But Mowbray steadied her and
pushed her gently back into the chair.
you mustn't" cried the girl. chok
ing down a sob: don't you see? !
But my mother and father-what has
become OF them? There was tragic
appeal in her voice and eyes.
They are perfectly safe and we'll:
I can assure you Of that much. Miss
Malinda. AS soon as II Is practicable
shall send you to them In my car.
From present Indications presume
Hne lsSo to
to you. It happens that he speculatcd
heavily and lost: but not everything.
However. It became necessary for
this property to be disposed Of. An
almost despaired-of lift from fortune
made me independent. and I bought
It In"
When he finished talking Malinda
was crying softly. the tears slipping
in shining little rivers down her
cheeks and dropping UNDECIDED on her
hands
when I learned that tho place was
for SALE" proceeded Mowbray after =
pause, II resolved to have II at any
cost. II seemed like-well. like being
nearer to you. somehow. II you do not
mind my saying It,"
Malinda's tears ceased suddenly.
IT II hal to be anybody" she said In
. low tone. II would rather II were
you"
Something in her voice. in her man.
ner, and more than all In the deter.
mined avoidance Of his eyes. made
Mowbray suddenly bold. He bent
swiftly and gathered her little cold
hands into his warm palms.
"Malinda." he began eagerly. ''let
mo tell you everything. now won't
you? Il isn't the time. nor the plnce.
perhaps. conventionally speaking. but
The Monte Vista journal., 1910-03-19
The Family Forecaster.

Wife-I'm going into town today. my
dear. to my bootmaker's. milliners
and dressmaker's. What does the pa
per say about the weather?
Husband-Rain. hail and thunder
storms.-Bon Vivant.
The Monte Vista journal., 1910-03-19
Case Not Hopeless.

I've never been offered a bribe.s
Dragged the eloquent politician.
Cheer up, old man." shouted .
piker in the front row. Your luck
may change! Express.
The Monte Vista journal., 1910-03-19
Inheritance.

Knicker-Jones is all the time want
ing more money.
Bocker-No wonder; his father was
college president and his mother
was a woman.-New York Sun
The Monte Vista journal., 1910-03-19
Only Commercially.

she-Oh. Mr.. JIpsby. they tell ne
you are {. runner.
He-So ! am.
she-l Just adore athletes. Are yov
q marathon runner7
Hs-No; . bank one.
The Monte Vista journal., 1910-03-19
Why Tiresome.

Bragg is dreadfully tiresoms
chap"
What's he been doing now?"
Hes been blowing about what he
blew in at his blowout. boston
Transcript
The Monte Vista journal., 1910-03-19
The Wise Doc,

The Wise Doc.
"The doctor has ordered me to eat
only the plainest food"
For how long,"
Till have paid his bill, guess"
The Monte Vista journal., 1910-03-19

$50 poor old links. who survived so
many operations. has at last died."
yes. He has followed his appendix
to q better world
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-05-04
HE WAS THANKFUL.
A Reporter Who Appreciated tho At.
tentions of His Superior.

A reporter for Philadelphia news
paper was sent up the state TO act as
stuis correspondent In an important
court trial 1t was the reporters first
big out of town assignment. and his
managing editor kept the telegraph
wires busy with instructions and in
quiries. For two days and two nights
the reporter had received n dispatch
from his ctliee half hourly. and II be-
gan 10 get on his nerves
Al the end of the second day he
worked until = o'clock In the morning.
filed his last page of copy, received
word that his story had been re
eevcd and he went To bed. just ms he
was putting out the light the hotel
porter appeared with the inevitable
tray and the inevitable telegram. The
reporter opened IL and read:
What time does court open In the
morning.
Ii was too much. lie hated the sight
OF telegram. lie had been fleeing the
curse of the dispatches only TO have
them pursue him to bed. He sat down
and wrote to his Office the most cour
teous answer he could compose:
Court opens M 8 o'clock In the
morning It Is now 3. Thank you FOL
waking me In time" - Philadelphia
Times
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-05-04
They Paid tho Price.

The corporation of the city of G'as.
gov wanted to purchase the Whistler
portrait Of Carlyle and In due course
waited on the master of the gentle ART
of making enemies about the price
1000 guncasl. They admitted 1t was
a magnificent picture but DO you not
think, Mr. Whistler. the sum wee,
wee bit cxcessiveE
Didn't you know the price before
you came to me- asked the master.
with suspicious blandness.
"Oh. aye. we knew that" replied the
corporation.
Every well. then" said Mr.. Whistler
In his suayest tones. lets talk Of
something else And as there was
nothing else OF interest to dctaln the
corporation" they paid the price and
made an excellent bargain
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-05-04
A FAMOUS TlMEPIECE.
Tho Astronomical Clock at Hampton
Court Palace.


The famous astronomical clock II
Hampton Court palace. Hcar London
Is the first tifnepiccc Of thH ehJiJeief
erected In England and Wns WaGr for
uenry VIII. in lilo According IL Ir
nest Law lie historian of Hampton
Court palace. II WAS the creation al
Nicholas CraiZcr. u German nStruiie=
mer, who visited England III the invi-
tation of Cardinal Wolsey. who intro
juced him to the king.
1t is possible TO learn from ii the
hour, the month"; the day of the month.
the position Of the sun and the number
year, phases of the moon and Its age,
the hour ut which II crosses the meri-
dian and the time of high wafer nj
London bridge The winding of the
clock occupies half an hour every
week. The weights descend to n depth
of more than sixty feet
Like many other things about the
palace, IL has It's legends. II Is related
that when Anne of Denmark. queen Of
James l.. died In the palace the clock.
which was striking 1 nj the mo
nent, Immediately stopped, This 1t Is
said to do whenever any old resident
in the palace dies within It's precincts
and alleged modern instances of the
fact are quoted solcmnly by the credu
| IOus.-Argonaut
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-05-04
EFFECT OF SUGGESTION.
It Can Fill Our Lives With GIadness or
With Miserf

Il Can Fill Our Lives With Gisdness or
With MiserJ.
There Is nothing that plays So impor-
tant Il part in the daily life of men
md women as does suggestion, says
IL. Addington Bruce III the Delinea-
tor. Mentally, morally and To II large
extent physically we are what we
are because of its influence. Sugges
ton can make of us saints or crimi-
nails, heroes or towards 1t can lift
us from beds of sickness or doom us
to hopeless inyalidism. 1t can fill
our lives with Gladness or with mis-
cry. 1t is great force ceascessly
operative. unacceptable. But II is Il
force that we can nevertheless direct
and utilize II we only understand its
laws, and the mere wisely I've mare
persistently, the more there slf we
use II. the happier and healthier NC
shall be
No matter how many sethacks come,
keep repeating to yourself optimistic
autosuggestious. Repetition is one of
the most forcefu Instruments of sug
gestion There Is 4 great truth under.
lying the familiar saying AS man
thinketh, SO is he" Moreover. you can
utilize the law of repetition To draw
from your surroundings beneficial sug
gcstons that will powerfully re.ene
force your autosuggestions. You can
do SO because every detail In your en-
vironment is of suggestive value TO
yon. and, although no one can make
this environment all that 1t should be-
nevertheless il Is quite within your
power to modify 1t in such n way that
II will give you II maximum of help
full and minimum of harmful suggcs
tinnS
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-05-04
Coral That Shocks

On the coast of the West Indian
islands a curious kind of coral Is
found. called "millepoca. This has Il
most extraordinary property which
makes the people who know II very
shy OF handling it. The moment you
pick up II piece a sort of electric thrill
runs through You and an agonizins
pain shoots through your Jaws You
feel rs If every tooth and every nerve
and muscle connected with them was
burning. The acute pain lasts gcncr-
ally for about half an hour and slowly
passes off. but the effects do not dis.
appear entirely for hours The reason
OF this curious shock or poisoning Is n
mystery
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-05-04
a SMALL BIRD.
But II Had Mighty Swat Whom I.
Came Down Dead.

Came Down Dead.
w. NJ. Newsou tells of an amusing
incident in which Il dead duck dis
played more activity than would Il live
one. The incident is as follows:
I'VE saw small flock of broadbills
approaching They came directly for us.
but unfortunately did not stop for our
decoys. As they arrived almost over
us we stood up and fired. ! pulled on
II nice plump looking drake lie start
ed to fall. so ! turned my second load
loose rather promiscuously and then
started to load up. Behind me Johnny
was still shooting Then Johnny yelled.
and something hit me Il mighty swat
on the back of my neck. whereupon
tried to clean big hunk of stone of
its barnacles by means of my nose and
front teeth. This may be pleasant TO
look upon. but II is not an enjoyable
pastime.
Il had always liked Johnny. but the
thought that he had hit me on the
back Of the neck and was now laugh
ing was too much. | started for him
with murder in my eye and large
driftwood stick In my hand. Johnny,
still In fits of laughter. pointed behind
me and mumbled some words about
duck | looked around. and there be-
hind me on the rocks was the same
plump looking drake that | had shot
ut the first time II was hard TO real
ize that such IA small bird had such a
mighty swat.
when Johnny had come out of his
feathers out of my back hair we look
ed around Il bit and found there were
| four dead broadbills, so | eheered up
n bit Johnny didn't need any cheer
| ing p"-Recrcation.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-05-04
RaIxac,s Way.

Jules Sandeau relates that one time
while living In Paris BalZac locked
himself up IN his room for twenty-five
days and twenty-five nights, refusing
TO see any one and keeping the cur
tains closed and the lights continually
burning even In broad daylight The
only human being he saw during this
time was his servant. whom he rang
for when lie felt the need Of food and
which he washed down with numerous
cups Of coffee lie would throw him
self on his bed only when entirely ex-
hausted from lack OF sleep. aud he re
manned In complete ignorance of whit
was transporting outside. the state of
the weather and even Of the time and
day of the week He only freed him
SELF from this voluntary captivity
when he had written the word End"
on the last page of the manuscript he
began when he entered his prison
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-05-04
ArY

Pm looking for a breezy march"
said the bandmaster In Chestnut
street music store the other day
How about this one dedicated ic
the Aero clubf" the fractions clerk
asked
81 suppose 1t IS written for wind la
strumcnts," the bandmastcr countercd
"Well. he air IS easy. the clerk shot
back, and the interchange stopped
Philadelphia inquirer
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-05-04
How He Won Her.

man who married his stcnogra
pher won her through sheer perslsten.
ey Although 1t was evident to the
wooer that the young woman did not
regard him entirely without favor, he
found II extremely dillicult TO get her
TO listen to his plea. The stGnographer
refused To lunch. sup or go TO the the
atcr with her admircr Finding every
avenue OF approach blocked. the de
termined courier. who possessed some
literary facility. wrote short love
story. in which the girl and he were
the leading figures. This story he sent
to the stcnograplcr every morning for
II month and ordered her to typewrite
It for bin She dared not refuse to
do MS her employer commanded. and
realizing through the story that he
would never give up until she married
him. she finally qnicsced.-Chlcago
Record Herald
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-05-04
Ratified.

a grocery store with his baby on one
arm and n Kerosene can on the other.
placed the can on the counter aud
said, "Sit there moment, dear"
Then. holding the baby up to the dazel
clerk, he added. "Fill this thing up
with kerosene. "-Argonaut
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-05-04

MADAM. thought ! would tell You
I met your husband awhile ago, as
heard he had started from home Ia
kill man he quarreled with
ooh. sir tell me WAS my poor vii
liam shot z"
mo, madam Your poor William
was only half shot. Baltimore Amer
lean
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-05-04
Depressing Siahts.

II there Is anything more depressing
than rain falling on an overturned
tombstone or the sight Of dining
room table covered with dirty dishes
what Is IT.? Atehisou Globe.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-05-04
A Kicker.

Got new baby at your house. have
you? Boy or girlT'
Girl, but she's an anarchist She
hasn't done a thing but howl Indignant
protests against existing conditions
since she came."-Chicago Tribune
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-05-04
Trying Work.

Thin Haired Man What. A shilling
for cutting my hair: That's outra-
geous. Barber But. my dear sir. the
hairs on your head are 50 far apart
that | had to cut each one 10y Itself
London Tlt-Bits.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-05-04

1t Is remarkable how vlrtuous and
generously disposed every one is at Il
play. We uniformly applaud what Is
right and condemn what Is wrong
when It costs us nothing but the senti.
ment
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-05-04
CheerfuI-

Old Nurse ito newly married couple
after viewing the wedding presents
Well. my dears. you ought to be very
Apply. There amt thing amongst 'efn
as a pawnbroker wouldn't be pleased
to 'andle.-Londop Punch
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-05-04
He Knew,

Teacher Now. Willie. tell us one -
and mention the date. Willie Mark
Antony went to Egypt cos he had II
date with Cleopatra IIarper's Hazar
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-05-04

"Od Grabber ought to be satisfied
with the money he has"
"IIe Is satisfied SO much so that he
wants lot more Of exactly the same
kind ~ London Fit Bits.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-05-04

Fond Iother You are never salts.
fed, Jac,.. When you go 10 sea you re
homesick. and when you come home
you're seasick London Punch
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-05-04

Pa-Bul. young man. do you think
you cnn make my girl happy Suitor
DO |? Say. wish you could n seen
her when | proposed Cleveland Lend
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-05-04

II you would hit the target aim n III
tie above II. Every arrow that hie'
feels the attraction OF earth i.ongrel
low
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-05-04
Shn,d Renedu That.

Mrs. IIoyle-Ynuf husband has n
mind of his own. my husband says.
Mrs. Doyle-I'll speak 10 him about 1t
when he comes home New York
Press
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-05-04
Does Not Stimulate

Ayers Sarsapara does not stimulate 1t does not make
you feel better day. then bad the next. 1t
not strong drink. No reaction after you stop using it.
There not drop of alcohol in it, You have the steady
even gain that comes from strong tonic and alternative
knows. Trust him. Do as he says. LoweI Mas,
What Ayers Pills? Liver Pills How long have they been sold? Nearly sixty
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-05-04

The understanding Is always the
dupe Of the heart-La Rochefoucauld
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-05-04

He that loves to be battered Is
worthy Of the fatterer Shakespeare.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1910-05-04

"fhe state against Dumhleton'
called the clerk of the court
Miss Dunbeton stepped to the front
Irene Dumbetol," said the Judge
you are charged by the matrimonial
bureau with II violation of the mar
riage laws Ia that you have refused To
marry Alfred birmingham, first OF
claim that he is of bad character or
that he cannot support You. DO you
plead guilty or not guilty"
Guilty, your honor.
How comes it," rejoincd the judge,
that with SO many suitors to choose
from you cannot find one 10 please
you
The lady stood silently looking NJ the
floor
This, your honor" said the prose
reau. lis the most tiagrant case we
have had This woman ever since she
came of II matrimonial age has drawn
sutors 10 her, keeping them from pro
posing to other women and refusing TO
marry any one of them herself And
now we have all these bachelors who
claim that they have complied with
the law in proposing TO her to encum-
Der the calendar with their cases. |
trust that your honor Will inflict upon
her the heaviest penalty the law nj.
lows
"Once more. Irene Dumbleton." said
the Judge, II ask you to choose one
from among the fifty four men who
are willing To marry you. | would re
mind you that the law does not permit
IA woman To change her mind and be
released from the penalty after sen
tcnce has been imposed. though she
may do 81 before she has received her
sentence The extreme penalty that
! can impose upon woinan refusing
to marry is ten years Imprisonment.
with the addition of one year for every
man who has made her proposition,
1t will therefore be my duty to send
you to prison for sixtyfour years, and
when you are again free TO marry, You
being eighty six
"Eighty-four your honor
''you will not find n matrimonial
market equal to that Of today VIII
you choosef"
The woman remained silent.
Then. Irene Dumbleton, sen
tence'-
Hold, your honor" cried n voice
Egbert Whitmarsh advanced Il pro-
pose for the hand Of this woman
Irene, will you marry me-"
No"
an the feminine vocabulary. your
honor, ! am told No means Yes. ="
said Whltmarsh and, taking Miss
Dumbleton's hand he drew 1t under
his arm and led her out OF court