The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1910-05-08
THE AFTERMATH OF A BABY SHOy
The Dire Experiences of Six Unsophsticated Bachelors
By c. H. MANDY

Last week at one of the busy suburban
towns of Birmingham baby show was
held for the benefit of several church
societies.
The ladies in charge had cajoled half a
dozen resident bachelors to act as
judges. They were all of mature age;
that is, young men of long standing, and
should have known better. The reason
for their selection was the fact that they
knew as much about babies as they did
about the Inhabitants of Mars, perhaps
less This illustrious sextent, D. F. Soon,
Clam Beck, G. N Hickey, DR.. B. w.
Fondle, Ross Scott and o. U. Smith
fancied they were cit" 1T rather fiat
tered their vanity that the ladies had
selected them for this duty, and for sew
eral days before the great event they
affected a turkey gobbler strut like unto
that of Roscoe Conkling fame They
soor learned, however, that pride goeth
before a fall
Now. the aforesaid town contains more
pretty babies to the square inch than
any town in the state: also many young
matrons, likewise matrons that are not
50 young. who are most positive on this
point: That their own particular cherub
is the dearest, sweetest, most angelic
piece OF baby loneliness that was ever
born This was the rock that blasted
the effort Of the devoted six. Never In
the history Of the city had so many In
FAINT phenomena been gathered together
Their dainty costumes, bright ribbons
and brighter eyes made a pretty pic
ture. The judges were brought to the
scene, like lambs led to the slaughter
Though to tell the honest truth, they
looked more like billy goatO. Then 1t
was. as they gazed upon the dazzling
scene, they realized the task they had
undertaken. The matrons, young and
otherwise, received them graciously
never in their 80 or 10 years had they
been the recipients of such pleasant
smiles. They soon realized. however, that
the aforesaid smiles were as tickle as
the greeting of a candidate for public
Office after election. The babies were
arranged In groups, according to age,
with the nurses as a background
The ladies retired a short distance and
left the field to the kids and the judges.
The first infant they approached gazed
at them with wondering. doubtful eyes.
He was not sure whether they were
friends or foes. Glen Beck. just as a
starter, grinned at his kidlets and said
Hello, old sport" That settled the
question, so far as the babe was con-
cerned. He commenced to whimper. 1t
soon became a scream, and just as he
was going into spasms he was rescued
by his doting mother. Casting whitening
look at the judges, she addressed the
youngster thus: did those great big,
nesty, ugly brutes scare mammals baby,
did ihey?" etc. This was repeated with
variations that included nearly every
nlonstrosity known to modern. ancient or
NEUROLOGICAL history Furthermore she
withdrew the babe from the contest.
The judges, somewhat dismayed at the
incident, decided to adopt other tactics,
and held a council Of war. Judge Soon
stated he was an authority on horses
and men. but babies had him beat Clam
Beck said II 1t were Judging young ladies
he was right there with the goods,
sentiment that brought forth a cry me,
too from Ross Scott who. to tell the
truth. has recently exhibited rare taste
along those lines DR.. Fondle wanted to
apply scientific test that involved the
removal of he infants clothing. He al
most got mobbed for the suggestion.
Finally o. u Smith said he once acted
as Judge Of dog show and to test
dogs stamina they lifted them up by
one ear. II the dog howled he was no
account, If not he was good dog. He
further stated he thought It might be a
good plan to Judge the babies The
others. having nothing better to offer.
tagreed. Smith then suggested that as
Judge Soon was the oldest ne was the
proper party to apply the test. What
the Judge said to Smith was something
awful He wound up by telling Smith
1t was a sorry man who couldn't carry
out his own proposition The others put
| It up to him. They again approached
the Riddles. Smith in the lead.
The first baby, bright little fellow. was
industriously trying to place his right toe
| in his left ear and had almost succeeded.
Smith advanced boldly and seized him by
the ear, lifting him up about 10 inches.
The youngster gave yell that made the
welikin ring and would have done credit
| to Sioux Indian on the warpath. II
also struck terror in the heart of the I'M
fortunate bachelor. Then something hap
pened The charge of the Rough Riders
| at San Juan was not a circumstance to
the charge those mothers made on the
now terrified judges who, with the excep-
| ton OF Smith, beat b hasty retreat. He
stayed long enough to lay down the baby