davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01
Let Us Talk Ii
Over

Well, dear sinner friends, this is
THE FooL-KILLER.
How does it set on your stomach?
If you like it, you can get more at
headquarters.
THE FooL-KLLER is not even
forty-'leventh cousin to any other
paper on earth.
It stands in class by itself, and
it's field is as broad as the English
language.
This paper wears no bell, muzzle,
collar nor halter.
You can put that down to start with.
am the fellow who works at the
pump-handle on this puugen6 period
ical of thrilling thought.
I print only what I write; write
only what think; and I think what
l dOggon please.
I own this entire establishment,
and Rockefeller isn't rich enough to
buy one share of it.
Does that sound strange?
Well, bless your soul, am a great
deal richer than Old John.
Inever travelled any to speak of,
but have read great deal, and have
thunk some.
I have also writ a few books which
know are great, because they dom
sell worth a cent.
Great books never do.
And then I started THE Fool
KILLER, just to quiet my nerves and
keep the old press from getting rusty.
From the seclusion of these wooded
hills there will go forth each month q
hot old bundle Of literary dynamite
that will shake the rotten foundations
OF society and cause the Church OF
Mammon to at least turn over in its
sleep.
THE FooL-K1LLER will be month
ly mustard-plaster for the blood-boils
of Society, Church and State.
1t will be salted with wit, peppered
with humor and seasoned with sar.
casm.
Every line will cut like whip, an6
every word will raise blister.
If you are fool you had better MOI
subscribe for THE FOOL-KILLER
If you are wise you will. And SO tina
settles it.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

There may be lots of honest
men in this country, but they are
all lost in the woods and we can't
spare the time to hunt for them.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

The battle is over-the great
annual battle of July 4th-and an
other crop of fools are laid up for
repairs.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

If everybody had as much
smartness salted down in their
little intellectual smokehouses as
they think they have, this, would
be a very wise old world.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

The best way to reform people
is to set them good example,
DO the best you know how and
mind your own business. Give
the other fellow chance to do
the same.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

The Pope OF Rome says our re-
cent visitor, Hallcy's comet, is
spectacle that is not commensurate
with the fuss made over it. So is
the Pope.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

- That Missouri preacher who ad--
vised his congregation to go and
see the Jim-Jack prize-fight ought
to have his Internal tongue cut
out by the roots. He is a devil
Of a preacher.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

There are no more party lines
In Tennessee. It is all Patterson
and anti-Patterson. Hurrah for
the ants, say.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

Just very little rain can keep
people away from church; but
they could almost wade food to
60 to shindig or circus.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

If you go to tl:e Bible for ex-
cuses rather than for reasons, you
are a poor excuse for an un-
reasonable fool.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

The fact that blamed old bull
headed prize-fghter can rake in
more money in one hour than our
president can earn. in six months,
shows what a devil of country
this is.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

The men who can become rich
and not get above the friends they
made while poor, are mighty good
and mighty scarce.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

Give 'em down the country!'
is an expression very often heard.
People who use the expression
perhaps do not know that they
are talking ugly, but what they
really say is, Give 'em hell!'
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

Some people try to whip the
devil around a stump, and Others
climb a tree when they see him
coming.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

The loudest noise that the coun-
try has heard lately is the silence
that is now eminating from Teddy
Roosevelt.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

The Fool Killer is printed once
a month, because its fool editor
wants to print it and the other
fools can't help themselves.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

Even if Zeppelin should go to
the North Pole in his wabble-sided
wind-wader, how in the mischief
would VIC know it? We have been
Cooked and Pcaryed until we have
no confidence in these cold-storage
North Pole yarns. Cut it out, Yep.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

He was just plain Theodore
Roosevelt when he left us. He
comes back Theodore Roosevelt,
A. B., LII. D., ,Ph. D., A. NJ, /. T.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

The first thing some folks will
want to 90 when they get to
heaven will be to elect new set
of officers.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

Mems noses were probably
placed on their faces as q handle
for the women to lead them about
by.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

A kiss is a big mouthful of
nothing that tastes like heaven
and sounds like q COW pulling her
foot out of the mud.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

Jack Lendon was present to
write up the big nose-mashing.
After the battle was over, /
guess London had no difficulty in
raking up enough second hand
cuticle and nigger wool to make a
pretty good Socialist argument.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

People are always most inter-
ested in what concerns them least.
This is why horse race draws
a bigger crowd than a prayer
meeting.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

The papers say that Henry
Wattersons son has gone crazy
over religion. The trouble is that
the worldly-minded newspapers
haven't got gnmption enough to
distinguish between religion and
insanity. The newspapers at the
day of Pentecost said Peter was
crazy.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

Patten says he is out at last.
The people arc also out-several
million dollars.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

If men hated sin as bad as they
hate the Jail. the lawyers would
be out Of "a JOB.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

When you get to the point
where you feel like thanking God
for having made you better than
other people look out! Some
thing is going to happen.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

If all the knee grease that is
wasted in college football could
be used in lifting the burdens of
the world what difference it
would make!
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

When a widow is wise she is
very wise, and when she is fool
she is an awful big fool.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

Ebert Hubbard isn't fool for
want of scnse-he is q fool for
revenue only.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

Ever since Cain was able to
whip Abel, men who were able
have raised Cain.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

Did YOU know1that the devil
could preach? You just ought to
hear him.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

Some people are so smart that
their own friends are afraid they
know too much.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

Fashionable singing is the kind
that sounds like the expiring wall
of dying calf.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

Yon can generally save money
hy avoiding the dead-sure things.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

Divorce lawyers build their
palaces on the ruins of Platonic
friendships.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

The dancing school is another
of hell's recruiting stations.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

The kingdom of God is made
up of plain people who went about
doing good. 49,.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

It seems to be the brute in man
that makes him interesting to the
average woman.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

What we intend to do tomorrow
won't bring home any bread and
butter today.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

The millionaires own the coun-
try and the devil owns the million
aires.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

Lots of men regard home as
merely place to leave their dirty
duds.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

The surest way to get money
out of farm is to own a railroad.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01
One year to your heart, Is Cents,
In Clubs of Five CT More, IS Cts.

Entered as second class matter
March 80, 1910, at the post Office at
Moravian Falls, N. c., under the act
of March 3, 1879.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01
TAKE NOTICE.!

TAKE NOTICE!
Do not send Postage Stamps OH
subscription. j.
Remittances should be made by
Registered Letter or Post Office Mon
ey Order drawn on Moravian Falls,
N. G..
Be careful to write your own name
and address plainly, and direct all
letters and make all orders payable
to:
THE FOOL-KILLER
Moravian Falls, North Carolina
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

A genius is fellow who tries
to borrow money-and gets it.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

/ Be deep if you can; and if you
can't be deep, be quiet.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01
EDITORIALS.

EDITORIALS.
Talk less; think more.
Pulpit thunder is not much sign
of spiritual rain.
Don't tell all you know, but be
sure you know all you tell.
Be deep if you can; and if you
can't be deep, be quiet.
Did you ever hear the bark Of
a dogwood tree?
A genius is fellow who tries
to borrow money-and gets it.
The surest way to get money
out of farm is to own railroad.
YOn can generally save money
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

Did you ever hear the bark OF
dogwood tree?
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

to borrow money-and gets it.
The surest way to get money
out of farm is to own railroad.
Yon can generally save money
hy avoiding the dead-sure things.
The dancing school is another
of hell's recruiting stations. =
Did you know that the devil
could preach? You just ought to
hear him.
Elbert Hubbard isn't a fool for
want Of scnse-he is a fool for
revenue only.
Fashionable singing is the kind
that sounds like the expiring wall
of a dying calf.
Some people are so smart that
their own friends are afraid they
know too much. -.
-~-~~G->-es-
Ever since Cain was able to
whip Abel, men who were able
have raised Cain.
Divorce lawyers build their
palaces on the ruins of Platonic
friendships.
It seems to be the brute in man
that makes him interesting to the
average woman.
The kingdom of God is made
up of plain people who went about
doing good. ..
The millionaires own the coun-
try and the devil owns the million
aires.
| Lots of men regard home as
merely place to leave their dirty
duds.
! What we intend to do tomorrow
won't bring home any bread ane
butter today.
| When you get to the poin
where you feel like thanking Goo
| for having made you better thar
other people look out! Some
thing is going to happen.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

Pulpit thunder is not much sign
of spiritual rain.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

Don't tell all you know, but be
sure you know all you tell.
The fool-killer., 1910-07-01

fyl<lNCO Oll CAlItL 1AA1C AASAAsNAS
for the women to lead them about
by.
The first thing some folks will
want to 90 when they get to
heaven will be to elect new set
of officers.
The loudest noise that the coun-
try has heard lately is the silence
that is now eminating from Teddy
Roosevelt.
Some people try to whip the
devil around stump, and Others
climb a tree when they see him
coming.
The battle is over-the great
annual battle Of July 4th-and an
other crop Of fools are laid up for
repairs.
There are no more party lines
In Tennessee. It is all Patterson
and anti-Patterson. Hurrah for
the ants, | say.
A kiss is big mouthful Of
nothing that tastes like heaven
and sounds like q COW pulling her
foot out of the mud.
If you 60 to tl:e Bible for ex-
cuses rather than for reasons, you
are a poor excuse for an un-
reasonable fool.
There may be lots of honest
men in this country, but they are
| all lost in the woods and we can't
spare the time to hunt for them.
The men who can become rich
and not get above the friends they
made while poor, are mighty good
and mighty scarce.
Just a very little rain can keer
people away from church; but
they could almost wade food tc
go to shindig or a circus.
He was just plain Theodore
Roosevelt when he left US. HI
comes back Theodore Roosevelt
| A. B., LII. D., Ph. D.. j, A. NJ, /. T
+ If everybody had as mucl
smartness salted down in thei
little intellectual smokehouses a
they think they have, this, woult
be very wise old world.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03
THREE BOYS
BURIED IN
PLAYHOUSE

Brooklyn, Aug. 3.-Three little boys,
lying stark and still, were found I'M
der an avalanche of sand in q vacant
lot by a dog. They had attempted to
dig a cave to be used as a playhouse,
but not realizing that their little hands
were unloosening a mighty weight
above their heads, had been buried be-
heath many tons of loosened earth.
Alexander Sullivan, nine years of
age, lettering with his fox terrier
Spot, thought that before he went to
lunch at his home he would give Spot
4 run in the big vacant triangular lot.
1t is an enticing lot for boys and
dogs, because it has deep, irregular
excavations in the soft sand and loose
gravel, where caves are easily made.
Young Alexander entered, went down
the broad inclined excavation and
watched Spot frisk and bark and dig
with his paws about little caves where
the scent of childish cave diggers lin
gered.
Then Spot turned into the narrow
trench fifteen feet deep and about as
broad, and suddenly there was a note
In the terriers bark that puzzled Alex
amer and frightened him too. He
called Spot, but the terrier, instead of
obeying, called his master. There was
no doubt about that; the dog was call
ing eagerly, ~anxiously. 1t was a bit
lonely down there III the narrow trench
with a ten foot fence hiding the street.
But Spot was strangely insistent,
and the young master We 70 where
the dog stood yelping q .ly. He
was distressed because he saw pro-
truding from the sand at the bottom
of the trench the bare, stiff arm of a
c1ild. Alexander saw, too, and a as
fast as he could out to the street,
where he found Policeman Hoffman
and told him of Spots discovery. In a
few minutes police and firemen, dig
ging carefully in the running sand,
brought out of it the body of Alfred
Sohn, nine years old.
Then the bodies Of two more chill
dren were found-John Sohn, six years
old, brother of the boy first found, and
Alfred Verhas, nine years old. DR.,
Jayne ana DR.. Holden examined the
bodies and said that all the boys had
been dead, ~suffocated, many hours
probably twelve at least.
Last Monday evening the three chill
dren went out together TO play. APP
parently they thought there would bt
time before dark to dig a big cave il
the side of the trench, and evidently
they dug a big one, for the sand Slide
which came down seemed to have Gu
them off, completely burying them, al
but a little of the arm Spot discovered
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03
IT WORKED WELL.
His Scheme Succeeded Even Though
IL Did Upset the EanoiIv

His Scheme Succeeded Even Though
1t Did Upset the Family.
An excited man rushed into the of
fee of a banker with his mouth full
of words.
Say" he paused, you remember
we'll enough that l was in here for two
hours this morning, don't you-mebbe
two and a half, but two anyhow
The banker nodded that he recalled
that fact.
"Uh, huh,' went on the excited man,
slightly relieved, land those two hours
or more included the hour between 10
and II o'clock, didn't they? You re-
member that, don't you?
"Ah, | am glad you remember. Now,
If my wife calls up and asks you If l
was here right in sight every minute
of the time from 10 to II you could
tell her so truthfully enough, couldn't
you? Good! What do you Think
You know that fellow Smith that lives
right next door to us? Always seem
ed like a nice fellow, but what do you
s'pose he did this morning2 On his
way by the house he tells my wife
that I've just been arrested for insult
ing a woman down on the public
square about 1890 and that I then
got into a fight with her husband, who
managed to punch my face for ME be
fore the police got there.
Smith thought it'd be q great joke
I s'pose. Yeh. Funny one, wasn't it
And now my wife called me up and
won't believe there wasn't anything
10 ii. Says the reports may have beer
exaggerated, but surely something
must have happened. Gee! I'm gla,
you're able to prove an alibi for the
Well, I must get along. This thing:
upset me so that I've had TO let MI
work just sort of slide"
The banker waited for the wife /,
call him up, intending to- do every
thing in his power for the aequittal o
his friend In about three-qnarters o
an hour the friend came rushing Il
again. This time he was smiling an,
was less excited.
Its all right" he said. Here
how it all happened. lily wife had a
awful spell of hlccoughing and RAJ
oyer to the Smiths to see If they knew
any way to stop it. Smith had hear,
that sudden fear or sudden consterna
ton would stop 1t, so he faxed up tn
story about me insulting the woman
His scheme worked, except my wifi
wouldn't believe him at first when h
told her that he'd Just said 1t to sto,
hiceoughs. Everything is all RICH
now, though. Smiths terribly sorr,
about ii, but he meant well enough"
New York Herald.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03
Bailinger's Wrath Rises.

st. Paul, MINI, Aug. 3.-Senator
Crane all but admitted to personal
friends In st. Paul that he had been
sent west by Republican leaders to
ask Secretary Ballinger to resign in
order to relieve the president and Re
publican leaders of existing embar-
rassment.
Senator Crane refused to discuss the
situation in detail, but it is understood
that he learned from Senator Nelson
that the committee would exonerate
Ballinger. On that assurance it was
made plain to Ballinger that he should
resign.
Secretary Ballinger denies that he
has been asked to resign. Referring
to the fight against him, he said:
II have been lied about a lot. l
have been framed up against. Garfield,
Pinchot and that whole bunch hav
had their hammer aimed at me and
have been trying to raise hi"
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03
Tho Lamn of a MANS Life.

DIR Holmes said the lamp of a mans
life has three wicks-brain, blood and
breath-and to turn down any one OF
them makes the other two 60 out
The wounds a man will survive ant
wen disregard so long as his head
heart and lungs are unhurt have long
been enc of the wonders of war his
tory
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03
Ten Words or Less en- Cents
TAFT GROWS
WEARY OF
BALLINGER

Beverly, Mass, Aug. 3.-There were
indications hat President Taft has
made up his mind to let Secretary Bal
linger go, and the rumors also were
well defined that there would be fur
Their cabinet changes after the first
week in December.
No attempt was made to deny the
reports hal Senator Crane at the very
outset of his political pilgrimage in the
west has probably suggested to Sec
rotary Ballinger at Minneapolis that
his duty to the party might require
that he sacrifice his place in the cab
net. All that Private Secretary Nor
ton would say after having considered
the question nearly all day was that
it would be necessary to ask Senator
Crane. The statement was reiterated,
however, that President Taft "Vould
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03
Tbs Burden of Golf

Golfer with a full bag. looking for a
caddie)-I say, my friend, do you hap
pen TO know of any one who'-- Near
sighted Villager testily)-No, 1 don't.
All the folks round here does their own
umbrella repairin'.-Puck.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03
Esyptian max;,s

An Egyptian papyrus which dates
back TO about 1000 B. @. has the fol.
lowing injunetions: "calumnies should
never be repeated" Guard thy speech
before all things, for q mans run lies
IN his tongue The wise men az fbe
Eace early learned gaad seEasa.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03
Not lmpressed.

Bobbie-Pa says you're a self made
a Visitor proudlyl-Yes. my boy,
I am. Bobbie-Ain't you sorry now
you didn't let somebody else help you?
Boston Transcript.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03
cuttina.

Young Wife-How fortunate I am
In possessing a husband who always
stays at home in the evening! Bosom
Friend-Yes; your husband never was
much addicted to pleasure.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03
suanastivs

Mary Jagged six)-Uncle Charlie. I
wish yen many happy returns Of your
birthday, and q said that If you
gave me q dollar not To lose it-Lip-
pincott's.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03

Lawn Vases-Decorate your lawn by
getting a lawn vase from the
Perth Amboy Cement Stone Co.,
Sayre Ave. Tel. 442 or 109L.
1901 rs tt
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03

SECRETARY BALLINGER.
not SO much as lift his little finger ii
by so doing he could secure the re-
tirement of Secretary Ballinger as head
of the interior department" He will
let Ballinger decide.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03

For Sale-Gas engine, 10 horsepower
er, AL condition. VIII sell at a
bargain. Apply Evening News.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03
REAL, ESTATE FOR SALE.

Desirable lots for sale OF Market
st. 83x13O. Inquire Meyer kar'
kus, 2fO N. Is. Ave, City.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03

For Sale-14 No. 1 milk cows,
horses and farming implements.
R. w. Cl~ausen, Germantown, N. r.
1861 7-30 81, Q, 8. 4.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03

For SaIe-SmaII house on monthly
payments. Inquire Herman Fred
erick, 496 Amboy Ave.
1870 1929 If
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03

For Sale-Confectionery and cigar
store In good location, soda foun-
tain with 2 cans, price very reason
able. Call 1856 Woodbridge Ave,
Chrome, N. J.. 1865 80 st
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03

Desirable property for sale on State
St. 75x150. Easy terms. Meyer
Karkus, 21O N. b. Ave. City.
MWF.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03

$25 Buys a lot on Smith St., the bal
ance in monthly installments to
suit purchaser. John Hanson, 146
Smith St. 1868 80 tt
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03

More than 2o.0O0 people IN this
vicinity read the EVENING NEWS
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03
SITUATION WANTs-FEMALE

Woman would like to go out by the
day to do washing, ironing and
cleaning. Address Julia Sutta, l78
Grant St., Perth Amboy, upstairs.
80 St
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03

beautiful, Large,NAiry Rooms, block
from city hall, overlooking bay.
253 Water street, corner Market
street 1905 s-3 limo.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03
TO LET.

Barn For Rent-150 Gordon street.
inquire Donnell's lumber yard, 228
Jefferson street. 1853 7-28 re
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03
FURNISHED ROOMS 10 LET.

To Let-Large furnished room. I'M
provements, with or without
board. EOS Market st.
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03

Let the NEWS ten xour wanta
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03
O SALE.

Phonograph, like new and II records
at a bargain, moving. 1876 Brigh-
ton Ave. 1868 80 st
For Sale-Eighteen foot clinker built
oyster skiff with 8 hip. engine.
Inquire 276 Rector st.
Inquire 276 Rector st. 50 st
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03

To Let-Neatly furnished room. ali
improvements. 267 Mcclellan st.
1900 SO If
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03

10 Let-Five or eight big rooms, all
improvements, including steam
heat, new house, corner Penn and
Barclay SITS. Inquire 279 Barclay
St 1897 80, 4, 6
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03

Wanted-Salesman and collector, ex-
perienced first class man, who can
furnish bond. Address G. S. c., care
News office. 1864 SO st
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03

For itent-Nice 4-room corner fiat,
Sill. Newly papered. Inquire
Miss Hanson 273 Smith st.
1876 80 st
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03

Potters Wanted-Pressers throwers,
lathe workers and foreman potter
wanted for new stoneware factory
early next year. Steady employment
and good advancement to competent
hands. Address, stating experience
and wages, Clay, Richmond Hill, N.
Y. 1866 8-3 st
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03

To Lct-Five nice rooms, rent mod
crate. 176 State st.
1869 7-3o If
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03

Situations Wanted - Situations at
general homework, plain cooking,
ETC., for women with babies or small
children. Small wages expected. APP
ply to Joint Committee for Secur-
ing Situations for Destitute Mothers
with infants" 10 Academy ST.,
Newark, N. J.. 187G3-10-26-tf
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03

To Let-Two lovely rooms for house
keeping. Inquire News Office.
12R2E 81 1T
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03
ROOMS TO LET.

Corner High and Jefferson Sts., mod
ern apartments, 6 rooms, bath,
private halls, steam heated by own
er. hot water supplied to kitchen
and bath, $50 to S35. Fraser Bros,
S5 Smith St. 1876 100 WIS If
Perth Amboy evening news., 1910-08-03

Fiat to Let-Seyen rooms, modern
improvements, steam heat. In
quire 176 Smith street, jeweIry
store. 131S4-T-12-1mo.