Los Angeles herald., 1910-05-13
Mere Men

hICHARD HAWKINS, cook on the
X, battleship Nebraska, should go
~ into vaudeville with his suicide
stunt. Despondent over a love affair,
Cook Hawkins crawled under his
sWeetheart's porch, and, grasping a
portrait of the unfaithful one in his
left fist, deftly killed himself with his
right. Not to make jest of the solemn
occurrence, the thought is not to be
resisted that the incident would make
q charming central scene for pretty
little vaudeville sketch. Vine covered
portico, purple light properly mixed
and scattered about the stage with
one particularly strong ray thrown on
the porch; sweetheart sitting in
hammock on the same porch singing
love songs to the photo of another and
despondent one breathing his last under
her feet unknown to her until his last
words are waited up by the evening
breeze, 81 love you and / die for you
Realizing that she has lost true
friend and regretting her lack of ap
probation, she inserts her head be-
tween two of the porch rails and twists
and twists until the curtain is all the
way down. Note.-The property man
can supply the evening breeze with an
ordinary electric fan.
Jean Hartzel, a young man of Chi
cago, is wise young man of Chicago.
He was engaged to marry a young
woman Of Chicago. No distinguishing
sign of wisdom there, it is exclaimed.
The joke Is this: Immediately after
his marriage Jean HartZell went to
serve term in prison. He was mar
ried on the way to prison. It is not
the contention that all married men
should obtain a sentence-many are
successful matrlmonially without it
but no young man can be said to be
making a very great mistake when he
takes such a precaution. Mr.. Hartzell
may now enjoy all the pleasures of
married life, such as receiving sweet
letters and footing bills, while at the
same time he is not denying himself
the glorious freedom of bachelorhood.
When Mr.. Hartzell comes in now, after
being out with the boys, there will be
no one to say him that he should have
been in earlier Mrs Hartzell will de-
vote her married life to an effort to
obtain her husbands pardon, which. Is
also satisfying Her time will not rest
heavily on her hands, she will have
the snug feeling that she is devoting
her life to a noble end. and all the
time there will be no husband to bother
and insist that she should give all of
her moments to him and the home life.
Happy couple!
w IleH lHOiIldS NlulBleys
makes any more $1,000 bills it is prob
able that he will use some digestible
substance in the construction. Quigley
was 70 ced to eat one of his $1,000 slips
the other day as last resort when he
was caught in a swindling scheme and
cornered by cops. His adventure opens
the question of what would be a good
substance of which to make counterfeit
cake. Breakfast flakes have been sug-
OaGfad hnon
also that there is a question here about
digestibility. If Inventor Quigley sue
ceeds in concocting digestible bills, he
might offer them as unique desert for
vegetarian dinners
From beans to billions. Frank
Rooney. a hash hurler of Hartford,
Conn.,, had such career. f1guratively
speaking. Years ago Rooney was one
OF the tough youngsters of Hartford's
east side. Later he became one of the
figures in an unpretentious lunch room
of the open-all- might, stool variety.
Since then he has had his share of
worldly ex. Now he has taken his
place among the Idle rich. He wears
glasses when he wants to read. He
owns three houses that net him a COM
Portable income. To add to the enjoy
ment of life, they say he has cornered
the market on buttermilk and sunshine.
Arthur Brown, Yonkers, N. Y, was
robbed by the meanest burglar in the
annals of crime, awkwardly classifying
the burglar, not long ago. He was de-
prived of every thread in his boudoir,
including all his week day clothes and
all his Sunday clothes. If he had not
been asleep in bed he probably would
have been robbed of his pajamas When
he got up to chase the thief he could
find absolutely nothing in the house to
wear on the chase. All was gone. A
gold watch and $40 were also gone.
Being a resourceful man Mr.. Brown
telephoned the Yonkers police.
M Gregory Wilenlxin, recently ap-
pointed as financial agent of Russia to
the United States. has arrived in New
York with his wife. IT am delighted
to return to this country" he declared
"I have many friends in the United
States. In fact, I like your country
so we'll that when I was sent to Japan,
instead of going by the Transsiberian
railway, I went through the United
States
"Russia's interests are growing.
Her commercial affairs are expanding.
American financial people are coming
to Russia. The government wants to
get into closer touch with affairs here.
Russia was always rich, but only re-
Gently other countries began to know
It, There are many matters here for
attention"
AnARN nnhHAMAr rMnO