The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1910-08-28


1t he known that weird monster of the
deep with scales on it: back had been
seen just off the bathing beach by
number of veraclous persons. [ guess
maybe the summer recorders were too
busy gazing aloft az the speeding aviators
and wondering whether they'd make a
loud report when they fell or just hit the
ground with a low mellow PUNK, to be
watching out across the breakers for the
first glimpse of my well known Inca
ments and graceful yet peculiar form
1T certainly makes me feel sighted.
Just when l felt that l was going to pass
Sarah Bernhard and be within striking
distance OF Adelina PATHS worlds rec
ord for farewell performances | fall down
on my reptillian face. I'd gone to a lot
of trouble and extra expense for the
son, too-had a lot of loose scales on
my back frightened up by an expert roof
er and frightened my smile with some
red waterproof paint and touched up the
Plimsoll marks here on my sides and
even had my tail altered from an old
fashioned turbine tail to one of those
double rotary reciprocators And there l
was with all the modern improvements
and not leaf stirring. Tell me, was the
summer disappointment in many other
respeets?'
Thinking 1t over for minute, l told
him that on the whole and considering
everything the summer had passed off
fairly well. ia noted that the green
corn had run rather to misses and chill
drens sizes and it had been sort of hard
to get roasting ear that hungry adult
of the male sex could anont with melted
butter and then give a creditable imita-
ton Of somebody playing a solo on a
harmonicum, or If he happened to have a
loose front tooth, a harmonicum solo
with added xylophone effects. Also that
the portion served in all the expensive
New York hotels had continued to shrink
until person who called for flet mig
non, say, would carry away the idea
that the chef must have cut out the
order with a pair Of buttonhole scissors
and applied the gravy through a medi-
cine dropper.
Personally ] told him we had a quiet
time of 1t in my own HURDLE domicile.
We had experienced the usual difficulty
common to all others, in getting a good
hired girl who could cook by ear.
had followed with deep interest the ex
PLANTATION given by the New York base
ball writer's for the failure of the New
York teams to win the pennants in both
leagues and had marveled that those
western teams could make creditable
showing because as a regular New York
er l had always understood that really
the only desirable thing you could get
in one of those small inland communi-
ties like Chicago or Cincinnati was
ticket on fast train back to New York.
| went one to say that, speaking for my
self, I was not grieved that the racing
game had received such painful death
blow in New York because the only horse
I'd bet on this year was such a perfect
gentleman that when he started down
the home stretch and found all the other
entries were mares, he just stopped and
turned around and stood back to one
side with a polite bow, signifyfng La
dies first" Branching out then l tried
to recall the things that had stirred the
world at large in the past few months.
During the summer the march OF
progress was steady" I said. 1.-THE hob
BILE skirt was not so numerous as we
had been led to expect from reading the
narrowing advance notices sent out from
Paris, but it was sufficiently ugly and
uncomfortable enough to attra,t largo
number of the fair sex. Every rightly
conducted summer resort in the noun
tains had its Lovers Leap to show to It's
guests while on the ocean where the
bathing was good and the Annette Kell-
erman Australian diving vogue had
spread a favorite substitute was the
Lovers Splash. In certain sections the
exhilarating trolley party was popular
diversion and in others the exciting>event
known as Tag day continued unabated
In lieu of these New York has had an
exciting theatrical war which resembled
the more recent trouble in Spain IN this
respect-the king wanted to book through
the open door and admit the independents
while the vatican stood out for syndicate
attractions exclusively.
doc Crippen came over for short
stay and went back again after Scotland
Yard had made a yard of daffodils OF
itself. Just like one of those old time
yard of-something pictures that you used
to get for 20 soap wrappers.
But" I added, probably the most ex-
citing event of the summer and one that
set all classes to talking whether or not
they knew anything about the circum-
stances, which they didn't, was the effort
of the w. C. T. u. and other kindred or
CARNATIONS all over this broad land to IN
duce Congressman Nicholas Longworth's
wife Miss Alice Roosevelt that was, you
know. to quit smoking cigarettes. They
got all worked up about 1t, they did 80.
They didn't know for certain that she
smoked cigarettes. But somebody toio
them they'd heard rumor to that effect
And thew begged her not to, any more
They didn't say whether they'd favor
meerschaum pipe or the kind of cigars
that a young wife gets when she walks
into the store and tells the man she wants
a box suitable for husband who's pro-
nounced blond They did not go into de-
tails at all. But, nTSI anu last, tiics iA'NSt
have sent Mrs. Longworth fully 30 sets
of resolutions"
what did she do with them?" asked
the Sea Serpent, showing signs OF IN
tereSt
At haven't any idea," I said, unless
she used them to make lighters out OF.
kno- she didn't answer. Possibly sne
couldn't think of anything appropriate 10
saw under the circumstances. Anyhow,
ANYTHING that would be appropriate would
certainly hurt their feelings
well If I were Mrs. Longworth, l think
I could bear up under that, even, said
the Sea Serpent. But all these things
have nothing to do with my case except
to convince me that do not Mt INTO the
picture anywhere any more
There was a long, gloomy pause wnlie
the rain beat down upon the dank SANDS
and the varnish on the handle OF my UNI
brella began to melt.
''I know what the trouble with me Is
said the Sea Serpent at length. = m ike
a certain peerless silver tongue out IN the
middle west I've been on the JOB TOO
Icing to be national sensation ana not
quite long enough to be a national JOKE.