davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Athena press. [volume] (Athena, Umatilla County, Or.) 18??-1942, 1910-09-16

the east END, to wait, presumably, for
the president. A cab was called from
nearby stand, and the man persuad-
ed to enter 1t. The driver had his or
ders to drive to the first precinct po-
lice station about half a mile away.
Just as the cab started the Swetie
drew heavy revolver and fired point
blank at the officer who had him in
charge. Fortunately his aim was as
bad as his intention. The wound he
inflicted was, of itself, slight. But sub
sequent developments led the doctors
to believe that 1t was coated with poi
son, and that had this particular crank
gained access to the president, Mr.
Roosevelt might have shared the fate
OF his predecessor.
An elderly woman once called at the
White House to ask the president to
drain the sea off Old Point Comfort
for her. She told those who questioned
her that she was Of prominent Vir-
ginia family and had lost large sums
of money through ill-advised land
speculation. She was, however, en-
titled to share in an estate amount
ing to 100000, but conspirators were
keeping the money from her. She had
learned through medium that 1t was
buried In the sea off Old Point. And
as the president owned the sea, would
he kindly remove it while she secured
her fortune?
OF course the oyerwrought suf-
fragist has not been lacking in the
White House collection of cranks. 1t
includes several choice specimens of
her. Two of them, one from New Eng
land and one from Pennsylvania,
have made demands that the chief ex-
ecutive surrender his Job to them
Both of these were accompanied by
young sons, and expected when they
had got things running properly that
their children and their children's
children would succeed them In the
position.
The Pennsylvania had her cabinet
all selected, and was particularly viru-
lent in her objection to Admiral
Dewey. She was going to remove him
first thing for she felt sure that with
a woman in his place there would be
no need Of any Hague conference to
keep the United States at least from
war.
The Athena press. [volume] (Athena, Umatilla County, Or.) 18??-1942, 1910-09-16

Pretty good team we have. eh?s
asked the Cub fan of the Sox sup.
porter. who was brushing the dust
from his clothes.
"Oh. l don't know"
We'll, that was our mascot. And
the team is travelling about as fast an
Bruno, added the Cub rooter.
Then the team is going some." ad.
mitted the Sox fan as he turned and
watched the bear mascot disappear In
a cloud of dust.
Bruno, closely followed by the small
army of pursuers, continued to fight
everything that came his way, until.
bleeding from dozen flesh wounds.
the animal fell exhausted at West
Adams and Morgan streets.
The cub was penitent, and showed
no desire to romp and play until one
OF the club officials had tied a red
ribbon about its neck. Then Bruno
Frightened up, but did not try to es..
cape again. The cub was to make its
first public appearance at the West
side ball grounds as mascot of the
Cubs In the afternoon
The Athena press. [volume] (Athena, Umatilla County, Or.) 18??-1942, 1910-09-16
PREACHER LOSES 81 OF FEE
Young Man Charged for Marriage IL
cense Has Unique Plan Of Get
ting Even With Clerk.

The clerk filled out the marriage
dcense and handed 1t over.
Thank you," said the young man
Hold on! That's $2."
1.-TWO dollars!"
"Yes; did you suppose we gave
those things away?"
Il certainly did. Chargin' man 81
for sheet Of paper that didn't cost
the county more than a nickel at the
outside is robbery. Have got to pay
lt?
You'll pay 1t or you'll hand back
The document"
"All right" said the young man,
taking a bill out of his pocket, ten
Aering 1t to the clerk and waiting for
bis change, "but / can tell you right
now you amt robbin me. You're rob-
bin the preacher. He'll get Just 81
less than was goin' to give him!"
Pocketing the change and fitting his
hat back on his head, he stalked out
Of the Office with the air of man who
mad been imposed upon, but who knew
how to get even.
The Athena press. [volume] (Athena, Umatilla County, Or.) 18??-1942, 1910-09-16
BUILDING un Affection.

Natural affection offers a fine
foundation on which to erect the edi.
fee of firm and enduring friend
ship, but 1t will not rise up itself. We
must build it. stone by stone, II we
would possess 1t. If we have val
ued and respected friend, what pains
we take to cherish his friendship;
how carefully we endeavor to prune
away from ourselves that which would
displease him, and cultivate those
qualities which he admires; how we
strive to crafty him by pleasant sur
prises. and to avoid all that could
wound or trouble him! Yet, let the
familiar house-door shut us In, and
how many of us take the same pains {?
The Athena press. [volume] (Athena, Umatilla County, Or.) 18??-1942, 1910-09-16
City Items in Terse Form
Metropolitan News of Interest
to All Readers
Some Woes of Diet Treatment Victim

terday morning at precisely quarter
of four o'clock, after the last of a regi-
ment of savory squads had marched
directly under his nose. each squad
carrying julienne potato for mus
ket, he sat up in bed and in clarion
tones demanded that the nurse bring
him two yards of porterhouse steak.
half peck of French fried potatoes
and such vegetable brick-a-brack as
might be necessary ITO accompany the
steak on its journey.
Nothing doing in the steak line"
said the sleepy nurse. go back to
bed and I'll give you another walnut"
"Im done with walnuts,' said Mr..
MCGOWAN. 1--WE eaten so many I'm
beginning to feel like a squirrel. It's
James for little broiled COW and fix
ings."
The nurse assured him that 1t was
against the rules to allow diet patients
to break training. She left the room
just then and her patient embraced
the opportunity to take himself by the
hand and make a dash for freedom
and regular food.
Policemen McManus and Almond
saw the white-robed figure and sneak
ed up behind 1t with drawn clubs. Be
lieving 1t to be the ghost of some
misguided commuter, they were get
ting ready to soak 1t on the head
when Mr. MCGOWAN saw them.
Gentlemen" he pleaded, have pity
on me and get me something to eat"
What you need is something to
wear" said McManus. What do you
mean by frightening two honest po-
licemen out of nights rest with your
night.shirt drill?"
The Athena press. [volume] (Athena, Umatilla County, Or.) 18??-1942, 1910-09-16

CT. LOUIS.-"Young woman" said
~ motherly individual, holding two
small children in her weary arms,
will you play When the Roses Bloom
Again for me, please?"
The music counter young woman,
perched on her stool, selected the
piece mentioned among a heap of 9TH
ers and prepared to reel" 1t off.
The shabby woman listened atten-
lively until the last notes died out.
She ogled the children In the mean
time.
Thank you very much," she said,
and strolled slowly off.
There" grumbled the girl behind
the music counter, that is only one of
the things that we've got to put up
with. There are hundred others, and
as soon as can get in the ribbons I'm
going to get out of the music, once and
for ALL The work is worth twice as
The Athena press. [volume] (Athena, Umatilla County, Or.) 18??-1942, 1910-09-16
PRICES OF TOBACCO GOING UP.

The new internal revenue tax on
smoking and chewing tobacco went
into effect at midnight, June 30, the
tax being increased from six to eight
cents per pound Cigars, with the ex-
ception of the small cigars weighing
not more than three pounds per thou
sand, are not subject to the increased
tax. The tax on the small cigars Is
increased from "a to rs cents per thou
sand.
The tax on cigarettes weighing not
more than three pounds per thousand
in packages containing s, s, 10, Is,
20, so and 100 little cigarettes will be
increased from 81 cents to rs cents
per 1000. The tax on large cigar
cites weighing not more than 8
pounds per 1000, will be increased
from "a cents and $1O8 to one rate of
$1.25 per 1000. Cigarettes weighing
more than 8 pounds per 1000 must
pay tax of $500 instead of SO.
At the same time the statutory sizes
of the packages of smoking tobacco
are changed. A quarter of an ounce
becomes the unit of weight for these
packages and each package must con-
tain multiple of this unit
These changes, say dealers here, are
going to affect the smokers through
The Athena press. [volume] (Athena, Umatilla County, Or.) 18??-1942, 1910-09-16
Internal Revenue Commissioners

out the country. The smokers are go
ing to pay more for their tobacco,
and so are the chewers,
The prices of cigarettes are going
up, In many they have already gone
up in anticipation of the coming in
crease In the tax. The American To-
bacco company and number of the
Independents have already raised their
prices. The American company took
these steps more than a month ago.
Packages of cigarettes which formerly
sold for two for quarter will now
sell for Is cents straight, It is said.
The increase in the price of cigar
cites thousand ranges from 10 to
26 cents.
But the cigarette smokers are not
the only consumers who will be af-
fected by any manner of means, The
wholesale price of plug and smoking
tobacco will be increased two cents a
pound; also the consumers of smoking
tobacco will be compelled to pay the
same price for packages OF tobacco
weighing one and half ounces as
they have paid In the past for pack
ages of tobacco weighing one and two
thirds ounces.
The burden of the increased tax
will fall. 1t is said almost entirely upon
the consumer.
Commissioner of Internal Revenue
Cabell said It was impossible for him
to say how much the increased tax on
tobacco would affect the consumer. II
at all II all depended. he said. upon
the action taken by the manufacturers.
He was inclined to believe that actual
increase to the consumer in the price
of his tobacco would be very small
The Athena press. [volume] (Athena, Umatilla County, Or.) 18??-1942, 1910-09-16

n HICAGO.-Bruno, a black cub bear
~ late of Montana. mascot of the
Cubs baseball team. was tanned few
days ago.
Bruno escaped from his cage home
in the basement of the Monroe club,
West Monroe and Green streets, and
ran amuck on the West side. creating
panic among pedestrians and chill
dren. swapping at cats, growing at
chickens, and attacking stray dogs.
Two baseball fans" were in the
midst of heated argument over the
merits Of the Sox and Cubs when
Bruno. running at full speed and pur-
sued by . score OF club members. pc
destrians. policemen and children.
Srdely upset the Sox fan
The Athena press. [volume] (Athena, Umatilla County, Or.) 18??-1942, 1910-09-16
Low Death Rate In philippines.

Any ideas that the Philippines are
unhealthful as an abiding place for
Americans would seem to be dissi.
pated by the statement issued from
the bureau of insular affairs that the
death rate among the more than 5000
government employees In the islands
for the quarter ended March 81 was
only SO per 1000 year. These EN-.
ployees. of whom some $500 are Amer.
leans, include all the officials and EN-.
ployees of the insular. provincial and
municipal governments and the police
and fire departments of Manila
The Athena press. [volume] (Athena, Umatilla County, Or.) 18??-1942, 1910-09-16
NAB MANY CRANks
GUARDS AT WHITE HOUSE ARE
ALWAYS ALERT.
Prices of Tobacco VIII Be Increased
Because of New Internal Revenue
Tax. Which Falls on the
Consumer.

Washington.-No far from ten per
cent of the 5000 souls confined in St.
Elizabeth's, the government hospital
for insane at Anacosta, d. c., were
committed to that institution because
of an insane desire to see the presi-
dent All sorts and conditions Of
men, women and children--for some
have been the merest boys-make
their way to the White House, some of
them to warn the president of impend-
ing danger to himself or the country,
some to reveal to him the will Of
heaven, some to implore his aid or
protection, many to- offer him ground
floor business chances which ought
to make him many times million
aire.
John E. Wilkie, chief of the secret
service, has two Of his most trusted
men stationed at the White House
day and night to guard the president,
and wherever the chief executive goes
The Athena press. [volume] (Athena, Umatilla County, Or.) 18??-1942, 1910-09-16
The Mystery Explained.

See here, my man." said the phil
Lnthropist who was doing an inves-
tigating stunt on his own account,
you are an interesting puzzle to me. -
''Is that so?" queried the other.
"Yes. It's so," answered the party
Of the philanthropy part. "You are
too lazy to work. How do you man
age to liver"
"Oh." was the reply, II get trusted"
The Athena press. [volume] (Athena, Umatilla County, Or.) 18??-1942, 1910-09-16
As REPRESENTED.

"See here" growled the irate man
as he entered the jewelry store. Il
bought this watch Of you last week
and paid you 50 In cash for 1t. You
said 1t would work like charm-and
1t doesn't keep time at ALL"
That's all right, my friend" replied
the jeweler calmly. Neither does q
charm"
The Athena press. [volume] (Athena, Umatilla County, Or.) 18??-1942, 1910-09-16
The Modern Way.

HAS he asked your parents fol-
your hand YETI"
MY, no. That's an old fashioned
custom that's no longer observed. Ny
father may consider himself lucky II
we decide to send him an Invitation q
our wedding"
The Athena press. [volume] (Athena, Umatilla County, Or.) 18??-1942, 1910-09-16
The Real Difference.

Jack-What's the difference be-
tween plumber and q poet?
Tom-That's old. A plumber lays
pipes and poet pipes lays.
Jack-That's not the answer.
Tom-What is 1t then?
Jack-A plumber has money to
burn. but poet doesn't even get q
chance to smell the smoke.
The Athena press. [volume] (Athena, Umatilla County, Or.) 18??-1942, 1910-09-16
His Task.

did you do much sightseeing when
you went abroad?"
NO." answered Mr.. Cumrox. Moth.
er and the girls did the sightseeing.
had to put in my time finding the
places where they cash letters of
edit."-Wasp.
The Athena press. [volume] (Athena, Umatilla County, Or.) 18??-1942, 1910-09-16
Gentle Protest.

Barber (on train)-Yes. this is a
great road, sir. Let me describe It to
you as work
Man In Chair-Er-yes, but don't
put the curves in my cheeks with
that razor.
The Athena press. [volume] (Athena, Umatilla County, Or.) 18??-1942, 1910-09-16
Works Both Ways.

"The clarinet" remarked the anna
teur as he paused to get his second
wind. "is the hardest instrument tc
play"
Anyway" rejoined his one-man au
dience. ut can't be any harder to play
than 1t is to listen to-"
The Athena press. [volume] (Athena, Umatilla County, Or.) 18??-1942, 1910-09-16
The Better way.

Maude Formerly when Miss
Screecher was asked to sing she would
say ooh, / can't"
Clara-But she doesn't do that now,
Maude-No; she let's the audience
end it out for themselves.
The Athena press. [volume] (Athena, Umatilla County, Or.) 18??-1942, 1910-09-16
AZ IL NAV Be.

People are not alike" remarked the
moralizer. What suits one may not
please another"
Right you are," rejoined the de
moralizer. What is one mans auto
mobile may be another mans jug
gernaut."
The Athena press. [volume] (Athena, Umatilla County, Or.) 18??-1942, 1910-09-16
Anofher Catch.

Gunner--What's the latest news to-
day?
Guyer-George Washington's auto
sold for $500 In New York.
Gunner-What are you trying to
hand me? There were no autos In
George Washingtons day.
Guyer-Who said anything about
automobiles? This refers to his auto
graph.
The Athena press. [volume] (Athena, Umatilla County, Or.) 18??-1942, 1910-09-16

Prof.-Is q watermelon vegetable
or fruitf
Stude--I don't know. But please
tell me whether clam digging is fish
ing or agriculture.
The Athena press. [volume] (Athena, Umatilla County, Or.) 18??-1942, 1910-09-16
A Caution. eams.

Does Bliggins ever blum when he
plays cards?'
Never until he gets home and ex.
plains where he has BEEN
The Athena press. [volume] (Athena, Umatilla County, Or.) 18??-1942, 1910-09-16
Thouuht Quickly.

What is a totem pole?" his wss
asked.
"A totem pole" he said. thinking
fast, sis the rail---or pole-on whtsh
an Objectionable citizen is ridden O
toted-out of the community"
The Jeffersonian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1907-1917, 1910-05-19
Obe 7efferson,an

has suggested so many things" but,
to begin with took for his text
What is 1ife?" and closed on Tom
Watson and Foreign Missions. He
gave utterance to such sayings as
these: Tom Watson is an eloquent
man up here, pointing to his era
mum, of course, but, o my, down
here, pointing to his heart, how i'm
pure and black; said the devil is OPP
posed to Foreign Missions, so is Tom
Watson, and all of his diabolical,
nonsensical twaddle are lies, and he
hasn't got any Christianity, and went
on to boast of what they are doing
with reference to Foreign Missions.
am young man and am trying, by
the help of God, to live a Christian
life, and if didn't believe that you
are on the same line I'd not allow
myself to read your literature. I'll
face any man as to what I have pen
ned you, and if you should ever need
Il. S. Canady, your red-headed friend,
at Thomson, just wire me. My feel
1ngs were deeply wounded after lis
tening to such weak utterances.
With best wishes, [ am with YOU
still, r. s. CANARY
Surrency, Ga.
The Jeffersonian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1907-1917, 1910-05-19
THINKS MISSIONARIES WILL
COME TO HOME WORK.

Dear Mr.. Watson:-I am a farmer
boy, whose time and education are
limited. Words are inadequate to
express the hearty welcome of your
literature into our home. It lends
variety to our reading appetite, and
last, but not least, unearths ard lays
bare the incontrovertible facts that
you have so thoroughly and fully
fathomed. The only way to check
these growing evils is to find out the
cause, then the remedy. I notice
great many who are voicing your
sentiments, while others are owning
up the corn by remaining silent
can see those missionary extremists
retracing their footsteps and confin-
ing themselves to their cosy little
American homes and starvlings. We
are proud of you, first as a Geor-
gian, and again as a historian, and,
above all, as broad-minded, gener-
Ous-hearted Christian.
R. S. CANADY.
Surrency, Ca, R. r. No. 1.
The Jeffersonian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1907-1917, 1910-05-19
MORE PREACHERS GROWING

PEEVISH.

Dear Mr.. Watson:-A I am on
guard down here, I feel it my duty
to write you. A friend of mine, So
Letting my presence, sent me an in
vitation to attend a school closing at
Way school-house on Friday, April
29th
(zion church being at the same
place. Fortunately, I was up with
my work, took the day off and went
over; arrived early, spent the morn
ing very pleasantly listening to the
school exercises. Saturday and Sun
day following, being the days which
Preacher Poyndexter fills his regular
appointment at the church mention
ed, he appeared on the scene, at
eleven o'clock, with two other
preachers, Ansley, of Baxley, and
Barton.
Rev. Poyndexter took the floor and
introduced Ansley. He got up and
Unanswered around little bit in the
rostrum, and said: 81 hardly know
just where to begin, Bro. Poyndexter
The Jeffersonian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1907-1917, 1910-05-19
WORKING FOR THE JEFFs.

Dear Sir:-The old papers you
sent me must have gotten misplaced
in the mail. I did not get them, but
friend who knew my fathers name
should have been signed to the let
ter saved the paper and gave the let
ter to me a few days since. I will
enclose it in this letter. I am afraid
that letter prevented some of your
subscribers from helping me to get
the piano. After reading the letter
carefully you will see that it shows
me up in rather peculiar light,
however, am not offended. I sign
ed the name (Miss) Sara Abbott, for
J. H. Abbott.
Will you kindly publish the letter
again and sign J. H. Abbott's name
to it. Do not sign my name to it at
all; just explain the mistake. I will
not keep commission in future. un-
less save it till I get enough to pay
for a subscription for some one.
Respectfully,
(Miss) SARA ABBOTT.
Rockingham, Ga.
The Jeffersonian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1907-1917, 1910-05-19
Our View Precisely

After quoting extensively from
recent editorial in The Telegraph op-
posing the suggestion of a fourth
nomination for William Jennings
Bryan, while admitting his continued
popularity with a considerable eIe-
ment, the HaWkinsville Dispatch
says:
Mr.. Bryan can never be elected
President because he cannot get the
united support of the Democrats. but
at the same time he is too big a man
to silence or shove aside by a mere
wave of the hand. He will continue
to be an important factor in national
politics, and it is highly essential that
the next Democratic nominee should
have his cordial support and infu-
ence. 1t would be we'll for the Demo-
cratic leaders to recognize this fact
and treat him in way best calcu-
lated to enlist his good will and SYM
pathy. They cannot hope to do it by
continually nagging him or trying to
dlscredit his ability and influence but
they may win him over by treating
him kindly and with the respect due
man of his high standing
1--WE believe that our good fried.
Col. Pendleton, who has consistently
and persistently opposed Mr.. Bryan
will sooner or later agree with us
that this is the best way to deal with
the distinguished Nebraskan."
We came to that conclusion long
The Jeffersonian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1907-1917, 1910-05-19
FAILING EYESIGHT OF MISSION
AIRY FANATICS.

Dear Sir:-It does seem that the
Foreign Missionary people can see
a long ways from home and cannot
see across their own house at home.
1t does seem to me that they do not
want to see. I know that there are
people here in this land that need
help as badly as the people across the
waters and the people do not see
them. Now people look through the
bottom part of your spectacles and
then you can see your own children.
Now for Gods sake do not look over
your own children and see some
black ones in foreign lands and then
take the money that your own chill
dren made and need. Now, brother,
do you think it is right to have your
own children work in the field and
then you take the money and send it
Off to send all colors to school, and
then when your own teacher comes
around to make up a school you say,
No, am not able, I am too poor?"
Do you think that God will bless you
for this? I have known this to be
the case in this land
Well, brother, you can put this in
your Jeff if you see fit.
Yours truly, SAM HARKINS.
Dubach, Louisiana.
The Jeffersonian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1907-1917, 1910-05-19
A LETTER FROM AN OLD VET.

Dear Sir:-I like the way you
skin 'em. If you continue to do so
wish to speak to DR.. Andrews. of
Cuthbert; Tom, Mr.. Watson calls
you, Doctor I never knew you by
that name when I knew you, it was
just simply Tom Andrews. Well,
Tom, know I have thought of you
as much or more than any boy that
belonged to the heIl-roaring 55th;
have you forgot how we marched
side by side at the tail-end of the
company on a forced march? Have
you forgot those pleasant, congenial
smiles and words that kept me I'D
with you when [ was fatigued so
that l thought I could go no fur
Their? Tom, if I were sick and you
were sent for you need not bring
your case, your presence would be
sutflclent, unless you have changed
from what you were then. It has
been long time since I saw you or
heard from you. I saw your letter
IN the weekly jeff; if lived as near
you as you do me I would go to see
you. Tell me where all the boys of
30 are. / have a broken leg, can't
travel much; have passed the 68th
mile post; you are not far behind.
Tell me where Bill and Crockett are.
The Joneys and the Daughters are
all having big time in Triton to-
day, except myself. They have
shaft to unveil today; it cost two
thousand dollars. If that amount
had been divided equally among the
old chaps some of them would have
more to eat and better clothes.
A word to Bill Howard, if you
please: Bill, reach up, get your hat,
The Jeffersonian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1907-1917, 1910-05-19

ago. So long as Ephraim is still
Joined to his idols it is Doth useless
and unwise to deal harshly with him
because of his infatuation. Many an
editorial in these columns has shown
that we respect both Mr.. Bryan and
his followers and that our object has
been to persuade, not to offend, them.
The trouble has been, and is, that too
many extreme partisans are unable to
see the clear mark of distinction be-
tween personal abuse of Bryan and
honest opposition to some of his
views. Such opposition having been
the more persistent because of our
abiding conviction that his candidacy
meant disaster for the party Macon
Telegraph.