Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-02-19

what0 needs adjustment: or she'll want
to polish her nails on her palms; what
ever II is. she'll do ii and can do it at
no other time whatever except when
the hooks and eyes.
Now, when she begins to suurm and
wriggie. you don't have to place your
mouth at a distance OF one-eighth OF an
inch from her nigh ear and below at
her, in a multisonorous tone. Hey. you.
keep still. won't you?" Not at all, not
at all. Repress your savage instincts
whatever else you do. 1t is too much to
ask that you say in a soothing. sibilant
tone, at this stage OF the proceedings.
Bowling, would you be SO chawmink
as to can these wigglerino numbers?" or
anything else restful like that: but there's
no use in giving vent to the abysmaI
brute utterances that unconsciously rise
to your lips The best way to get it out
of your system, at this Juncture. is the
following: Let go of her suddenly, begin
TO grind your teeth, roll your eyes de-
spairingly, grab-a-hold Of your hair and
touSle il all up, rush TO the window and
glare out upon the street and groan in
restrained, but hopeless. kind Of way
This will at least stake her to a laugh,
whereupon she will say, ahfter lahflng,
"Oh, come back, ducklink, and / will
keep still, honest WILL" and everything IL
be all right.
BE sure you're right and then go
ahead was a bromidiom invented by the
late David Crockett, esq, after that ro-
bust frontiersman had been engaged IN
prolonged hooking-her-up exercises Da-
vid it is a cinch, had made a misplay In
starting the job, not once but often; that
is to say, he had fastened hook TO an
eye that didn't correspond thereto, and In
his fiighty hastiness he had gone right on
with the job, without looking to see
whether he was matching up, only to find
at the finish. that the hooked one had
decided list to starboard or port; where
upon he had. with grievous words of self
rebuke been compelled to undo the job
sure you're right" etc, thing.
If there is anything worse than earth
uuakes. holocausts, dam bursts. forest
fires or trying to meet a note for SlS3.6o
with only six bits in hand, then it is dis
covering. after you've got her all hooked
up (as you idiotically suppose, poor rumD,
that there are two hooks at the bottom
for which there are no corresponding
eyes. and that therefore you have har-
messed up the spouse Of your bosom on
the bias. so to speak. This is another oc-
casion when you'll find the teeth-gin-
MASKING system good one in order the
better to conceal your feelings. Your nat
ural impulse. of course. in such cases. IS
to blame it on her: to bawl at her that II
she'd only stood still for a milionth part
of a second. doggone ii all. you'd have
got il right. But this is foolery. It'll only
give her the chance to nudge in that re-
mark, well. you don't expect me to go
to the theater this way. do you?" And
that's a maddening remark OF hers in the
circumstances.
And. oh. yes. Very often there's little
hewgag underneath the outside of the
dress that's got to be hooked first. See
that you hook it. If you forget 1t there's
all l<.~- <l.ok t. hoo rc1.
for she'll know that 1t isn't. all right.
And then However. enough has been
admonished and advised to buck you up
as to the proper decorum to be employed
in Hooking Her Up. The undersigned is
going to write book on the subject later
on CLARENCE L. CULLEN