The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1910-03-20
PRDJe Talks With Dead Ones
Father Noah Discusses Family Pets vvisection and the
Red Ant
by IRWIN s. COBB

| other. l never thought very highly OF the
| bloodhound. He doesn't come up to his
advance notices. More than 1000 times I've
heard of him chasing a hunted fugitive
but | never heard of him catching him.
Personally, l never knew bloodhound
i that l thought could trail an iodoform
gauze across billiard table without get
ting lost in q side pocket. The blood
hound, as you will remember, has long
ears that droop like Ebert Hubbards
neckties, and wistful eyes like a sick poet.
| but otherwise he does not seem to be
highly attractive The ones we had with
us on the trip used to spend their days
storing up harsh, reverberating echoes in
| their systems and their nights getting RID
of the accumulation by the baying pro-
cess. They were not what you would ex-
actly call popular with the other passeh-
| gers
But I don't think it ought to be neces-
sary to offer up even the bloodhound on
the dissecting table, nor yet the guinea
pigs nor the white rats. The guinea pig Is
not highly intelligent, admit, but ne
never keeps you awake nights barking at
the moon. and he's strictly family per-
son and has but few vices. And the white
rat, with reddish light out of his eyes
! one second and a green light the next,
like corner drug store window, and his
| fluffy gray side whiskers like retired
| bank president has a lot to commend
him in my opinion. II one of them should
ever run up your leg, as happened TO me
once, you'll notice right away that ms
toes need manicuring and the circulation
in his tail is defective making it cold,
not to-say clammy, to the touch, but he
! has his good points. Say, young man,
| If science must have material for vivisec-
| ton, why not use the red anti?
The red anti" I echoed blankly.
Certainly" said Father Noah blandly.
| "the ordinary red ant of commerce There
isn't country hotel anywhere that
couldn't spare 100000 right out of its ice
| box without noticing the loss. The sup
ply is practically Observation-Disclosures a
rev crop coming on all the time. Let me
| tell YOU something about this red ant
| proposition, out of my own experience"
went on the old gentleman, leaning back
with a reminiscent CLEAN in his eye.
II remember like it was only yester-
| day. the first time | saw a pair of red
ants he continued at was when the
| animals came up the gang plank into the
| ark on our advertised sailing day, march
| ing two by two, just as you've seen them
In the pictures, all but the thunder lizard,
which had to march by herself, she being
| the last survivor of an extinct species.
You see, the males had all been exter-
! minated through the demand for thunder
| lizard feathers for the millinery trade,
| and so, as I'm telling you, the widow had
| to flock by herself. We called her Big
Liz for short, and she died during the
| trip. mainly from loneliness. There wasn't
| anybody of her own family to associate
with, and owing to her size and general
| awkwardness and our being SO crowded
on board. any time she wanted to be So
ciable with any of the others there was
liable to be a sudden fatality. She'd try
to cuddfe down where the leopard was
playing solitaire dominoes, matching spots
on himself, or the female cheatah was
studying bridge whist hands-that was
where the cheatah first got it's name
and thered be low, despairing, muffled
scream and funeral to follow.
But. as was telling you, here they
came marching in two by two, the lion
and the ella monster, and the Siberian
| Yak-a lovable nature but inclined to be
untidy In his personal habits-and the
blesbec, the wildebock, Che laagerbuck,
and those other African animals with
names that sound as If they'd been con-
ferred on 'em by Milwaukee brewing
concern, and all the rest. And away
back at the tail end of the procession,
between the fever worms and the
measle-mcrobes, and closely followed by
the Camembert cheese-mites, came the
red ants, male and wife.
! TIL not deny that most of us were
| favorably inclined toward the red ants
at the outset. They didn't take up much
room and flew kind of light in the mat
ter OF baggage and seemed willing to
bunk in almost anywhere, with almost
anybody. The first night out from land
was rough and there was considerable
| seasickness on board That was the night
when the Blood-Sweating Behomoth had
| excuse for that habit of his. l was in
cold Precipitation several times myself
and / only had one stomach to keep
soothed down, while the hippo, If you
| remember your natural history, Is di-
vided off inside into almost any many
water-tight compartments as an ocean
liner, And the python kinked up and
gave magnificent imitation of despair
ing pretzel. But the red ants were fit
tering around, clipper as couple of
Saratoga chips, offering to hold heads or
hands for the sufferers and advising
everybody to cheer up because the worst
was yet to come, and pulling all those
other old seasickness quips.
IT think it was the next morning when
things had got sort of Gained down and
| normal that my boy Shem came to me
tsaying he'd just heard Mrs. Augusta Red
| Ant was the mother of six of the cutest
little red ants anybody ever saw. Six
he meant 600. There were 5000 by the
time ] got there. BY the afternoon all
talk of christening party had been
parents if they didn't think good thing
could be overdone. seeing how crowded
we were already. But kind words didn't
| seem to have any effect on that estab-
lishment. AS / remarked at the time,
It's all right for a couple to multiply and
replenish the earth, but when built that
ark hadn't figured OH any lightning cal
culators. I've seen a good deal of the
animal kingdom one way and another,
but l can't think of any class on this
earth that can turn out more descendants
than red ants in a given space of time
loanless 1t isis"
Grippe germs?" I suggested, seeing
that the ancient skipper hesitated. He
shook his head
Belgian hares?' I hazarded again.
mo, worse STILL.
Persons who came over on the May
flower" I said desperately as last re-
sort
Yes, even as numerous as that said
Noah. land I understand that Mayflower
descendants constitute your largest UNI
employed class Why, son, on the
eighteenth day out, when everybody gave
up trying and lost count altogether, it
was conservatively estimated by Shem
that he had eleven billion red ants on
board mother and children doing well,
and fresh arrivals due almost any min
ute. Mrs. Noah used to clean EN- out
OF the kitchen sink a wash boiler full
at time. If the elephant carelessly
went to sleep with his trunk open he'd
be awakened by a tickling sensation in
the bottom tray to find million red ants
parading his catacombs and other rami-
fication on sightseeing trips. The kan
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