The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1910-12-01
STORY OF THE BANQUET.
As Reported to the Public and Told In

As Reported to the Public and Told In
Shop.
A s 1t was printed: Yonkyflles wit.
- test and cleverest people COM
bined to do honor last night to
the distinguished guest of the city,
Hon. Charles e. Benkins, at banquet
held in the dining room Of the Yonk-
vile House From the moment that
the walters placed the oyster cocktail
st each place to the brilliant perora-
tion Of the last speaker the affair was
feast, first of delicious viands and
afterward Of eplgram, wit and oratory.
The menu was elaborate, the service
perfect; the cut glass, silver and snowy
napery cleaned under the diffused ra-
dance Of the electric lights, and the
scene was rendered still more attrac.
tive by the flower at each plate and the
interviewer flags that partially hid the
ceiling.
Mayor Bloom acted as toastmaster
and proved amply equal to the ameni-
ties Of the position. He was ebullient
with facile jest and delightful pleas
antry, having a bonmot for every
guest and a story to fit each speaker
as he was introduced.
Space forbids detailed chronicle of
the toasts, now glowing with gentle
hmor, now sparkling like the effer-
vescent champagne which bubbled In
eveEy glass, now tinged with the deep
er hEes Of pathos or flaming with the
fires Of oratorical splendor, but the
summation of 1t all Is found in the
statement that the banquet was a
typical Yonkville success
AS told In the newsroom: Gimme
a cigarette, Martin; I'm all In. The old
man sent ME to cover a big feed at
the Yonkville House, given for Charlie
Benkins. Good fellow, Benkins, but
the hosts were the same old bunch of
frowsy wits that always give banquets
in this mans town.
"Say, they've told the stories they've
all been telling at every banquet for
the past ten years, and 1t wasn't
enough for Bloom, our worthy mayor
of course they had him for funeral
director-lt wasn't enough for him to
stop with the list of mopes on the pro-
gram, but he called on every blooming
antediluvian who had helped to pay
for the feed, until even the most per-
sistent banqueter present was praying
the next man would get cramps and
perish In fit.
"Bloom dug up all the ancient ones
his grandfather had sprung when he
presided at banquet to Stephen A.
Douglas in 1854, but they got the big
laugh all right. Why shouldn't they?
He had the whole city hall there to
make noise like mirth.
"As for the grub-well, flock of os-
triches would have found 1t palatable,
but to make human beings eat it was
violation of the laws against cruelty
to animals
"rhat crowd of senile nonogenarians
they call walters only spilled soup on
half the guests, and for fully third
Of the time they filled the glasses with
out running them over on the cotton
tablecloth. They had Rhine wine and
seltzer instead Of champagne, but no.
body knew the difference.
Decorations? Same they had In
1889-they never have taken them
down. The flowers must have cost 'em
all Of 10 cents the dozen. And when 1t
came to the peeches-colonel, I've sat
through three-hour sermons and never
yawned. but only speedometer could
have kept tab on the number Of my
yawns when the speechmaking began
tonight
"Now I've got to write a merry little
bit OF falsehood in which / say 1t was
great affair. But If you ever have
the choice of going to Jail or a ban
quet, take Jail | know."-Berton Bra
ley, In Puck