The watchman and southron. [volume] (Sumter, S.C.) 1881-1930, 1910-05-07
Mark Twain on the Babies.

house in Chicago shortly after the
great soldiers return home from his
tour of the globe. one of the speak
srs was the late Mark Twain.
He was purposely put at the end
Of the programme because it was
well known that he could hold the
revelers; and the toast to which ne
was asked to respond was "The
Babies"
Among other things he said:
I've have not all had the good
fortune TO be ladies. We have not
been generals, or poets, or states
men, but when the toasts work down
20 the babies. we stand on common
ground-(laughter)-for we have all
been babies. Gaughter.) 1t Is a
shame that for a thousand years the
worlds banquets have utterly ignored
the baby-Oaughter)-as If he didn't
amount TO anything. (Laughter.)
you soldiers all know that when
that little fellow arrived at family
headquarters you had to hand in your
resignation. (Laughter,> He took
entire command. You became his
lackey-his mere body servant
Oaughter)-and you had to stand
around too. Uaughter) He was not
a commander who made allowances
for time. distance. weather or any
thing else. (Convulsive screams.)
You had to execute his order whether
II was possible or not-(roars)-and
there was only one form of machin-
cry in the manual of tactics, and
that was the double-quick. (Shouts.)
He treated you with every sort Of
insolence and disrespect-(laughte
and the bravest OF you didn't dare
Co say word. (Great laughter
You could face the death storm Of
Donelson and vicksburg. and give
back blow for blow. but when ne
olawed your whiskers and pulled your
hair and twisted your nose you had
to take IL. (Roars.)
when the thunders of war were
sounding In your ears you set your
face toward the batteries, and ad-
vanced with a steady tread. but when
ne turned on the terrors OF his war
whoop-(laughter)- advanced in
the other direction. and mighty glad
Of the chance. too. (Renewed laugh
ter.) When he called for soothing
syrup. did you venture to throw out
any remarks about certair. services
being unbecoming an officcer and a
gentleman? (Boisterous laughter.)
No. You got up and got it. (Great
Iaughter) IL the baby proposed to
take a walk at his usual hour, 2
o'clock In the morning-Ca Caughter)-
didn't you rise promptly and remark
with a mental addition which would
uOt improve Sunday school book
Observation-Disclosures IT was the
very thinS YOU wore about to propose
yourself? (GreGt roars.)
"Oh. you werc under good discip-
Hne-a1d as you went falterlng up
and down the room in your undress
-Oaushter)-you not only
prattled baby talk, but even tuned up
your martial voices and tried to sing
'Rock-a-by Baby in the Tree Top for
Instance. (Great laughter) What a
spectacle for an army OF the Tennes-
see Oaughter)- what an afIlic-
ton for neighbors. too, for IL is not
everybody within a mile around that
likes military music at in the morn
ing Gaughter)
"Yes. II was high time for toast
TO tho masses. TO recognize the impor-
tance OF the babies. (Laughter.) }
Think what Is In store for the present
crop Fifty years from now we shall
all be dead I -Oaughter) )--and
then the flag, II IT still survives and
let us hope II may, will be floating
over republic numbering 100000
900 souls. according to the settled
laws OF our increase. Our present
schooner of state Osughter)- will
have grown into a political Leviathar
"a Great Eastern. The cradled ba-
bies of today will be on deck. Lei
them be we'll trained. for we are go.
ing 10 leave n big contract on then
hands. (Laughter)
Among the three or four million
cradles now rocking In the land are
some which this nation would pre-
serve for ages. as sacred things. If We
could know which ones they are. In
one Of these cradles the uoncOnsciOu: