The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1910-07-31

championship form practicing on my kind
of a horizontal bar. 1t makes no diff
ference If you're on the outside buying or
on the inside selling. If you're an out
side performer, you trade your wind for
breath and your lungs for a stomach
If you're on the inside acting as my
special agent. you may not drink many
of my products at first, but in time your
nerves will give down under the strain of
acting as referee, a peacemaker, a
troublemal1er, a prescriptionist, a conf
dante, giyer of advice a family doctor
an authority on sports, stakeholder, a
hardwood polisher, a student of the intrl-
cacies of a cash register, a performer on
the mnsical glasses, a CATCH s-catch-can
wrestler, repository for heart-breaking
recitals of family difficulties, singing
conductor, a person whose duty 1t is to
say yes with a pleasant smile every
time some tired patron leaves 1t to him
whether or not he's not a perfect gen.
tleman, a stauncher of tears, and an aide
to manufactured mirth. The constant
practice of diplomacy wears on one,
whether you're an ambassador to the
court of st. James with several mar
riageable daughters on your hands, or
merely a party in a white apron stand
ing the late watch in Happy Mike Some
body's all-nlght cafe And I am afraid
that the late exile ffries tarried lust a
AAiteS AOc iOh6 al my cniPloJ.
II am a pretty good occasional com
panion, but as steady company I have
an inclination to grow Jealous of all rivals
and want al 1.-The attentions for myself
l generally got 'em, too. have been
sponsor for some of the brightest things
that ever came out of the human mind.
but l am also the Handmaiden of the
and the General Manager of the Busted
ache, the Patron Saint of the Vain Regret
10 6aVaa
Hope. And, as l said before, I'm the I'M
defeated knockout champion of all
classes, all ages, all conditions and all
weights.
And yet, with that record to my credit.
m constantly being called on to meet
some Draw, brave young contender with
a belief that he can beat me and still LET
me frame the rules. When one of these
earnest challengers hobs up-generally
hes Just out of college-I know that it
going to be easy for me. Here he comes.
fresh and clipper, with confident smile
on his face and head that would work
up into great gross of bone collar
buttons, II the operator knew how to
operate turning lathe to the best ad-
vantage, with absolutely no waste. ex-
cept the eye brows and the teeth. The
rest would be all good, solid material. l
can see his finish before he starts, even
II he starts gently. I see him going
home day after day with tongue like
a Turkish towel and the odor of business
mems lunch on his breath. I see him
dallying at the end counter with the
young and comedy spring onion, the
succulent cold slaw and the stimulating
dried herring and then coming back at
me for another round. And, finally, I see
him In the fatal fifteenth, suffering with
a taste in his mouth like a Greek grocery
store and an eye like danger lamp, and
then ! see myself handing him the sleep
portion on the point of the jaw and they
are carrying him out. Whereas, If he'd
done a little friendly sparring with me
occasionally, all would have been well.
You see he's fooled at the outset by
my style of fighting. ! ease him along.
make him SO rich at night that he feels
like he had Rockefeller foundation and
Sage dressing, and when he wakes up
the next morning after the preliminary
bout, with kind of dark dank, pow
erty-stricken sensation permeating his
being. he knows, nevertheless, that he
can get all his wealthy symptoms back
again the following evening for the same
price. He tells his anxious friends that
he can drink or he can leave 1t alone,