The mirror., 1910-09-15
Makes a Trip
ToHeaven

Prof. Webb Relates His Experiences
In Sparkling MonoIogue and
Tells all About 1t.
My Friends-My Good Friends
and Neighbors -once again / ascend
the rostrum to tell you of my latest
trip of exploration. My friend, the
late Mark Twain, before he died,
wrote book entitled Captain Storm
fields Trip to Heaven. I have not
had the pleasure of reading it and l
do not know what Mark conjured
up. I was most agreeably surprised
sometime ago to receive check for
1915, 100000 from my friends and
compatriots in The Mirror office.
Immediately purchased a new air.
ship and telephoned my friend, I'm
Gle John d. Rockefeller, to send me
ninety thousand gallons of gasoline,
which he did. | rolled one of my
monologues up against it and it con-
densed itself beautifully. The Zum-
bro Chief made me new flying ma
chine which / named Going Good.
[ was all ready to start on July 4,
Nineteenh un dredand e at emraw,
but owing to a lack of ballast / had
to wait over until the next morning
to arrange to take Mistah Arkansaw
along instead of sand. | knew it
would be easier to throw him over
board than it would be to unload
sacks of ballast.
The next morning at 4:1S1-2 I
sailed away with Mistah Arkansaw.
AS soon as [ struck the vacuum he
froze stiff and [ could do nothing
about pitching him overheard so /
had to carry him along. When l
reached Comeonuphere known to
astronomers as Mars, [ landed all
right, but the Grand Oooof was not
at home. She was on her annual
voyage to Heaven. The Grand
Spool, young lady one hundred
and thirtyfour feet high, was on the
throne and she received me very gra-
ciously the same as the Grand Oooof
had done on my previous trip. /
asked her why she was built so tall
and she replied it was her duty to
kick the clouds away when they came
too close to the throne.
I then said: Your Imperial Maj
esty, my friend, Monsieur Camille
Flammarion, the famous French as
tronomer says that this planet is cir
cled by clouds, but l do not see any.
All see is ridges Of green stuff piled
very high
Then she said: Those ridges you
see are money-money which has
been laundered and piled up to dry.
The people up here are all very rich.
After they get to be worth $4O0, ,OOO-
100000 each they launder their sur
plus money and pile it up to give it
an airing. No one up here," she
said, is permitted to have more than
$400, 600, ,O0O.00-all over that has
to be piled up and that is why your
French friend is mistaken
| 1 was pleased to receive the in
formation for [ knew if | got back
home all right would be able to en-
tighten the world in regard to the
matter.
l then informed the Grand Spool
l desired to make trip to Heaven
and asked her if she would kindly
direct me in the right way. She
said she would and l jotted down
her Instructions.
| She said: After leaving the vac
uum you go East 923. 100000 miles
and then you turn to the South 49,
900, 900 miles until you come to a
crossing. When you reach the cross
ing you go straight DOWN 3,769, ,429,-
312 miles until you come to .
! / broke in and said: Your I'm
perial Majesty, you said DOWN. Do
you mean DOWN or UP?"
i She replied: I said DowN-not
/ UP. Space is infinite. There is nc
lend. When you come to a large