Daily press. [volume] (Newport News, Va.) 1896-current, 1910-02-27
Hay on the Monocle.

Hay on the Monocle.
One hot afternoon in August, wheh
Secretary Hay was hard at work at
Washington cultivating his open
door policy. he had been receiving
q delegation OF ambassadors ana
charge daffaires in Room 2l2. AS ne
sat down. after bowling the party cut,
he whirled around in his desk chair,
and some one asked if the secretary
knew the name of the young man
who wore a monocle or single eye
glass.
Yes he knew his name, and coulu
describe his long line If ancestors ac-
curately. until it came to his mental
en,ipment. when the kindhearted sec
retary mildly shook his head and sat
silent.
Mr.. Secretary. why do these Eng
lishmen always wear a monocle In
stead of the regular double eye
glasses?"
seriously, one lucid explanation &C.
ours 10 my mind. and only one sald
Mr.. Hay. Perhaps these gentlemen
of distinguished ancestry can see with
one eye all that their brains could
possibly comprehend. or perhaps II
they were to use both ewes their be-
wilderment would be all too embaTras-
sing and produce q mental pandemon-
ium which they avoid by using half
the vision only-a very wise economy
of anatomical powers. don't you
Think"
These long winter evenings affcTd
splendid opportunities for story-teii-
ing and many an hour is whiled away
in spinning yarns prior to the tattoo
bugle. One that gave general salts
faction was of a sutler in the First
Michigan Engineer regiment in the
Civil war. The purveyor was a Jew
and was not averse TO turning an
honest dollar by selling liquor to the
men. which, of course. was strictly IN
disobedience of rules. One OF the
hest tipplers in camp was Jolly
freshman and much to his credit, ne
was never known to tell tales out OF
school. During the winter quarters
in 1863. our Irish friend called once
too often on the Sutler, and Pat went
to quarters in a gloriously intoxicated
condition. He was full of fight and
created such a commotion that he was
landed in the guard house. The cor
onel of the regiment had his suspi-
cions the Jew was selling liquor 10
the enlisted men, and when his al
tention was called TO Pats condition,
he began an investigation. Next morn
ing Pat was taken TO headquarters
The following colloquy ensued: Pat-
rick said the colonel, you are
charged with being drunk and disor-
Derby" Il guess / was wee bit fuIL
your worship" said Pat Patrick
retorted the colonel, why did you
curse the Sutler, and threaten 10 XIII
him and dare him to fight you!
.'Shure and did do all that? Begorra
I never opened me mouth at all, 81
all. | must have heen awful drunk,
sir" replied Pat. See here, Patrick.
said the colonel, I am tired OF TINS;
now | demand to know why you want
ed to wipe up the ground with the
Jew? Wasn't it because he would
no, sell you any more whiskey? Come
tell me the truth and will let you on
this time" Your honor" replied Pat.
Il am thankful to you. but you see
when the liquor is in me head. l am
not me self and when I seen the Jew
yesterday me temper got the best q
me judgment and did fell like whip
ping him. and now, there you have IT.
For wha; reason the colonel again
reiterated. did yon want 10 injJre the
Jew" Well. now" said Pat. with
all due respect to you. sir. didn't ne
kill me SAVIOR" Further questioning
was Of no avail and poor Pat did pen
nance for the following THEE days BY
parading in front Of the guard h0urse'
with a heavy log on his shoulder. but
he saved the Jew.