davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-05-14

on the other side and went home"
II Mr.. Garner is able to put across
that statement about it being the Gus
tom for the House OF Representatives to
adjourn for the Easter holidays then ne
is certainly q wonder, and hiz ccnstitu-
ents, individually and collectively, must
be ossified in the head. The House. within
the memory of man, has not adjourned
for the Easter holidays" Probably Mr..
Garner was thinking of the high school
from which he recently graduated
In the Congressional Record Mr.. Garner
says his constituents have complained
because he has introduced too many bills.
They say I have introduced too many
bills he walls in print. II am APPEND
bills have introduced. II reelected 1
intend to urge their passage, and. with
the prestige of q second term and the adj
ditional influence which that will give
me. I fully expect to secure the passage
Of most IL not all of them"
Shades of Henry Clay, Daniel Webster
and Thomas B. Reed!
But even this is not all.
IT have not passed any of these bills
yet" says Mr.. Garner, 'but have tried
good that some Of them. If not all, will
become laws as yet, II not at this session,
then at the short session in December.
This session has been so hlled with tur-
meil and strife that very few bills have
been passed. And It is also true, as
every one in Washington knows. that a
new member here has but little chance
of success"
One of the bills that Mr.. Garner tells his
constituents he is certain to get through,
provides for national eight-hour day.
Another is to give every civil war veteran
$50 month, regardless Of age. Another
pledges the government to $1O.OOO.O0O a
year for good roads. Another makes
every post office in the United States a
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-05-14

And mark We, Representative Cary and
the noiseless trio, the President Of the
United States Is content to give every
newspaper In the land copies OF White
House stuff days in advance, to be pub
lished when released
That is the approved and modern
method Of doing business!
4
x
r MEMBERS of the House are laughing
AVA their heads off over q speech in
serted in the Congressional Record by
Representative Garner of Pennsylvania,
explaining things to his constituents.
One Of the things he explains Is why he
wasn't on hand to vote against Cannon
and his crowd during the big row over
the rules. Mr.. Garner was elected by
the way, on an anti-Cannon platform,
but voted to elect Uncle Joe to the
speakership. But here is what he says
about that absenteeisna during the rules
fight:
1.-The truth of the matter is this. 1
had been in Washington three weeks be-
fore the vote was reached. 1t was near
Easter. A man wants to spend some time
at home with his wife and family. and
especially at Easter. For the three weeks
1 was there the sessions OF the House re-
sembled cemetery. with absolutely
nothing doing and with no probability Of
anything doing until after Easter. The
day before the fight there was not even
a murmur of the coming struggle. 1
went to the older members, who were
supposed to know If any important meas
ure was likely to be reached before Eas-
ter. and each one said:
Nothing doing. and there won't be
anything doing until after Easter. as the
House will adjourn in few days for the
Easter holidays, as has always been the
CUSTOM
II then paired myself with a member
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-05-14

long: or i'm a dime museum, next to the
ossified gink and the fat woman.
Let's see." Moe went on murmuring to
himself, what else was ! telling her
about the game? Oh. yes. / told her the
batter had to hit the ball to get his base
unless he got hit by the pitcher or got
four halls. and then 1 told her I'd tell
her what four balls meant later on when
the game started. Uh-huh. I told her
all that. Only thing for me to do now
it to put her under bonds not to say any
thing about 1t down at the store II they
got jerry to IL down at the store that
I'd" and Moe moaned in anguish al
the thought of the kidding that would
zephyr his way if they found II out down
at his place of business.
Miss Murnane went from the ball
grounds to the Hudson tunnels for Jersey
City, there to take the train for Wash
ington. Moe accompanying her 70 the
tube in the taxicab.
"Uh-huh." moaned Moe. sitting along
side of her. Il know all about women.
I'm going to write ali / know about 'em
and put 1t in a book You'll be able to
carry the book In Your left ear.
"Oh. by the way" said Miss Murnane,
who had resumed her occurrences.
though the mischievous expression still
nickered in her eyes. did you have
good time with those relatives OF yours
from the west that you said you had
to take to the Metropolitan Museum OF
Art when YOU quit showing me goods al
FixZgfggsky's at 3 o'clock yesterday
afternoon and turned me over to Nj.
Goldfinckel?"
Moe swallowed a lump and looked more
sad than ever. He knew that she had
the goods on him.
Great little game yesterday wasn't
itr' he said hoarsely Where did You
sit yesterday-in a box?" and Miss Muir
name nodded in mischievous affirmation
CLARENCE L. CULLEN
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-05-14

ali the coin that finds its way into this
family. If you didn't say that in almost
the same words have quoted, then am
deaf. that's all.
you'll be good enough to remember
that I'm acquainted with a whole lot Of
married fellows around this town who've
been hopelessly ruined by the wanton ex
travagance OF their wives. and II YOU
think you've got a million to one chance
to lead me by the nose down the primrose
path of bustedness. why, you've got more
thinks a-coming than could be registered
on a whole carload of Photographic rec
ords. and don't YOU forget it.
But. shucks. what's the use? Here I
am mildly venturing to suggest that you
join me IN making Gel tain resolutions
from this birthday date OF mine and the
best i get is-How's that? Oh, started
this thing Off by announcin~ what resp
buttons 1 myself was going to make TO-
the coming year. and now I'm winding
I'D by telling YOU what resolutions 10
make? Well. that settles It, 1 might have
known that you'd stake me to some such
an insult as that. I'm a yap for expect
ing to get away with anything eleyating
or uplifting around here Well. well
what dye know bout that for q stab,
Bling IL YOU could only see yourself I'm
your true light for about one-ninth or p
second ! wonder what you'd think OF
soui Sei c. l.. G.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-05-14

act as sullen as the dickens, as you per-
fectly we'll know, my dear.
.:As=-I say every bit of this sort Of
thing could be saved If you'd only make
up your mind, once and forever, here
upon my birthday, that you'd overcome
that deeply imbedded habit of yours OF
always answering back AS to the ex-
travagance itself-oh, we'll. I've talked
about that until. as they say. I'm nearly
black in the face. and never. it seems. to
the slightest purpose. That's one thing
I've about given up-the ability to get
away with any sort of a contention
around here, mean. Still, extravaganza
is durable like any other sort of dis
ease or vice or bad or careless habit, or
whatever you choose to call 1t. You don't
have to throw your husbands hard
earned coin away as If 1t were SO much
chalk, you know. And SO If you have
any intention or desire to cooperate with
me in sort OF switching the cut around
here, perhaps you might devote two or
three minutes every day from this time
on to saying to yourself that you're at
least going to make an effort to give
your husband q chance for his taw agate
in money matters and not blow the coin
in as If the man whose name you're bear
ing had a little private mint working day
and night down at his office.
=
.sIJnhp Nh Won, think I ought to cele-
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-05-14

Now, wouldn't / he having lot OF o.!
time to be reading about ball games!
replied Miss Murnane, non-commlttaily.
Gee, Miss Murnane, l wish you were a
bug" said Moe, grinning, after they got
settled into box seats at the game.
''Er-bug?" said Miss Murnane, lifting
her finely arched eyebrows.
"'Uh-huh-base ball bug. y'know,' hast
lily explained Moe. 'Going to be doin's
here this afternoon. and If you were only
q crazy bug, you'd have more fun out
of it."
'.Er-crazy?" inquired Miss Murnane.
''Nutty about base ball, yknow," ex-
planned Moe again.
why, l thought only men folks got
that way" said Miss Murnane, looking
over the program that Moe had slipped
to her. and she glanced at the program
as If it were something printed in Syriac.
"Oh, nix. miss said Moe. earnestly,
ct know a lot Of girl fans in this town.
They're loony over the game. Take in all
the games and know the inside dope. Fun
ny you never got that way, with WASH
ington SO nutty over base ball."
''Well, I'd last q long time in the mill
linery business If l became loony, as you
call 1t, over base ball. now wouldn't II"
said Miss Murnane, gazing speculatively
at the warming-up exercises of the play
ers. who's going to pitch for the-er-
I mean
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-05-14

I forgot-that we don't go for you. of
course. You're roofing for the Washing
tons. Of course. ehs" ,
to see the Washingtons win. why, of
course would" said Miss Murnane. with
sort Of resolute affability.
"Oh, sure thing" said Moe generously.
"but the way we've been leaning against
the old pill-hitting the ball, / mean
lately. why: there's chance that the
"Oh. they're beginning. aren't they ~
said Miss Murnare. as the umpire busted
in his perernptory tone. and Milan, lead
ing or for Washington, approached the
pan swinging q couple Of bats to try them
out for heft.
:, ..rhat's Milan coming up, and he's been
year," explained Moe. "Hes-'
~
"Oh, you Claudy Milan!' fervently
breathed Miss Murnane in a low ex-
ACKNOWLEDGMENT tone. "Slam it UP
against the stockade, Claudy." and Miss
Murnane hastily dug into her reticule
for a pencil to keep score. who's that
pitching for the Yanks-Vaughn?" and
she scrubbed the pitchers name in the
right place ON her program. rs the
batting order on this program all right?
Oh. you Claudy Milan
Moe turned to gaze at her with his jaw
hanging halfway down on his shirt front.
Why" he gurgled after a pause OF
quite thirty seconds-it took him that
long to find his voice-'you seem to
know
Take another one, you Claudy!
bfeathed Miss Mufnane. her eyes dilated,
as the umpire called two balls and no
strikes on Milan. He can't get ii over
for you-youll walk for yours and she
watched the windup Of the Yanks' pitcher
with a keen eye. "Ah, yah, yah, I knew
he'd hand you another one-look out!
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-05-14

race me eting he's pretty liable to take
all sorts OF pains to beat that miserable
game the next time he gets away from
his HEADQUARTERS.
II saw one Of the keen ones. taught oy
bitter experience, get over with q pro-
found Jay upon his arrival In San Fran
ci7co for q winter meeting there rev
years $50. He'd heen obliged to beat MS
way back east the year before. being
ditched at such untoward dumps rs MO
fave, Barstow. La Junta. Kansas City
and SO on, and It ranked within him to
remember how man. times the bell cord
had been yanked on him that time.
HE had the bells on and his hair in a
braid when he reached San Francisco the
next winter after Q prosperous season at
the New York tracks. but he wasn't lick
that what had happened to him before
was tust as likely ae not to happen to
him aGain. So as soon az he reached his
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-05-14

partial look at himself and his actions
.nd-well and all like that; and a chap
who surveys his doings for a whole year
and then pats himself on the back ana
saws that he has been everything that
he ought to be-oh. we'll. there's some
thing twisted about a fellow like that,
of course. Bound to be. Now. you'll
have observed, Of course, during all these
years that / never tried to stake out
any claim to being perfect. II there's
any one little old thing that I've q right
to brag about, why. It's the fact that
I'm always perfectly fair. ! don't see
myself in any false or glanfourous hsnt'
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-05-14

thing. like that. on some humorist con-
nected with the Office whom they hrst
met up with.
said this man Of the railroad. Just wait
a minute and I'll see the boss and you
can sing it for him.
i
Then he went into the next room. He
came out in a minute and beckoned the
two trailers into the room. A white
haired. dignified-looking old gentleman re-
ceived them. without wasting any words.
however. He invited them to draw up
chairs and sit down. It looked pretty
soft for them then. They told him that
they'd sing the song they'd written and
dedicated to the road, and he nodded to
them to go ahead. Then they turned
loose and bawled the song with great and
prodigious effect.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-05-14

question and been famed for his pains.
"Famished." she replied this time. quite
out Of hand.
Moe was for the ball game that after
noon. and he hated to think OF anything
interfering with his attendance at the
game.
Perfectly ravenous." said Miss MUIR
name again. "In fact, I feel as il I'd never
eaten anything in my life. I wonder
where could get some good goul-
ash? 1 want ali the goulash there is in
New York, and want 1t now. That's
how hungry l am; and there really was as
"so?' said Moe. ''weli, know where
they wrote the words and music of that
goulash thing. It's only two blocks from
anybody leave home. once and forever.
Can lead you to It. Miss Murnane?,
"You better had replied Miss Muir
name with the utmost premptness. but In q
perfectly business-like tone.
There was nothing languishing about
this young woman. She was just hum
cry young woman buyer from the District
OF Columbia, and she wanted goulash,
very different from Irish stew, after all;
and here was somebody who could con-
duct her to goulash.
Moe understood, and he led her to it. He
hoped that even 50 he'd get to. the ball
game I'm time for the first inning. With
this idea uppermost In his mind. Moe had
q bright idea while they were making
the gUulash vanish.
Lovely little ball club you've got In
Washington, Miss Murnanes" said Moe.
"Um." replied Miss Murnane. helping
herself to some more goulash.
DO you ever get chance to take In
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-05-14

his Jesse James neck. Hey, whacha got
FIR us t'eat?"
The question was addressed to the here
in writer. 1 didn't make any reply to
the question. / was too busily engaged
in thinking what delight, what an
ecstasy, what an asphodel-meadows de-
lirium of bliss it would be to take petite
out to some large. vacant garage, situ-
ated about nineteen miles from any
human habitation, and then and there
stake mammals dollink to all of the
curves, outshoots and fade-awayS ever
known to q hairbrush.
But mammals dearest wasn't going to
be ignored in that way. He picked up
a knife and reached over and with the
greatest elaboration in the world gave
the undersigned, who was doing all he
could to behave pretty, q hard crack on
the knuckles with the handle thereof.
Say, you, whacha got fr US teat, L
asst yeh!' seZzee to me.
The herein writer prayed to all-seeing
heaven-prayed feryently If not audibly-
for just about fifteen or twenty cents
worth Of patience. Life had suddenly
gone grim and black for him; and so
he asked benign Providence to give him
patience to endure.
1 had to be polite about the crack on
the knuckles, too. Had to sit there and
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-05-14

hotel In San Francisco he dug up George
Rose. the bookmaker, who was staying
large unsealed manila envelope contain
ing things.
pal he said to Rose. take a peek
into that package
Rose pulled the contents from the
envelope and spread the stuff on the
table. The envelope contained first
class unlimited ticket from San Francis
CO to New York, good on the Overland
Limited or any other old train. Then
there was a Pullman licked showing that
a whole section had been reserved on a
Pullman sleeper three months In adj
vance, emitting the holder thereof to
ride on it all the way from the Pacific
to the Atlantic. And, additionally, there
were two one-hundred-dollar notes.
Say remarked Rose. recognising the
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-05-14

consider the stalking out OF Homestead
claims somewhere in the depths OF Asia
Minor.
The Bok-Bok system Of rearing EN- con-
sists mainly In letting 'em do pree-ciseiy
and egg-zactly as they please. without re-
straint. correction or even admonition.
Such thing as admonishing 'em with
the business side of a glazy hairbrush
would be viewed by the proselytes Of the
Bok-Bok system as nothing short OF
murderously criminal.
One seems to remember. without mach
trouble. the time when little boys and lit
tie girls in this broad land Of America
were nicely behaved; when they had cute
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-05-14

poster Rose for the sailed stuff, even
when he was gnawing those ffteen-cent
table d'hote dinners on the Barbary
coast. He stuck it out. and on the day
he't set aside for the beginning Of his
journey back east he turned up for. the
package and rolled back this way with
the tinklers sounolng. the eats and sleeps
and everything else royalty provided for.
Not many Of the Founders at the old
game are wise enough, however, to do q
thing of that sort and stay with 1t.
"a few years ago couple of all-in
by writing and dedicating song to a
railroad that had 1t in its power to
grease em up north. They spent an
evening in their room humning over and
fixing up the song, and the next morning
they turned up at the New Orleans head
quarters of the railroad. They flashed
their song. which they called Riding
Merrfly Along on the @. and c., or some
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-05-14

actual peace of anybody else on the face
of the globe, this little four-year-old boy
already has a hard. predatory, rough
stuff face; and his manners are, ann no
doubt will continue to be, the manners,
absolutely, of a savage In the gone
years the undersigned never took much
stock in the calm. deliberate assertion or
Herbert Spencer that children, and little
boys particularly, are. just plain everyday
savages. The undersigned used to enjoy
sort of grin for himself when he read
Spencer's facts adduced to prove this con-
tention: the scientists mention of the
facial contortions of children, their utter
lack of respect for law and order. their
contempt for anything approaching a
state of civilization, which he claimed
aligned the little boys particularly with
savages. But since the calamitous vista
ton Of this little four-year-old boy at the
hereof's table he dunno so much about
his former doubts of Spencer, he surely
dunno.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-05-14

meaning of this stuff. don't ask me to
hold this junk for you, matey. I know
you mean it as a compliment to my in
ering me to hand the stun back to YOU
just as soon as you go broke, and you'll
be trailing me around like a.
You keep 1t, il you want to oblige
me- cut in the deep one. The only way
they'll ditch me on my ride back to New
York this year will be for them to run
the train off the track. Supposing I do
go broke and ask you for the stun back
Don't give it to me. that's all, until the
day that Pullman ticket is dated, no
matter if 1 come at you with two half
bricks and q handful of Cayenne pepper.
But I'll try not to ask for 1t at ALL
4
X x
80 Rose put the envelope away with
his own stuff. and long before the San
Francisco racing season was over the
cautious one was all in. But he didn
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-05-14
g.. ~(<eea<E@s %<S@ "a

uncoil foolish, vacuous grin, as If get
ting cracked on the knuckles. and crack
ed hard. by little four-year-old Piutes
was the kind Of stun / was more eager
for than money or fame.
"Peshus," his mother said to him. you
must not hit the gentleman! Rully you
must not! You will see what is for din
ner in a moment
81 wanna know nowi" bawled peshus,
81 asst him. and he wouldn't tell me. Wha'
smatter with him-is he deef?'
mo. dearie; the gentleman is not deaf
you must not say deef-but he is-er-
he is-well. he will talk with you after
while perhaps"
slams Of the mother at the undersigned
because the undersigned didn't get up
and turn a couple of handsprings Of de-
light over the cute and cunnin' conduct
OF her progeny.
There was q sure-enough kapoo shad
for dinner. Mammals dearest turned up
his Bill Dalton nose at the shad.
"Ain't they nuthin' else FIR me t eat?"
he inquired of his mother menacingly, at
the same time stalking his host and host
ess to darting glances of vitriolic hatred.
Els this all they is FIR me t. eat?'
why, mamma thought petite liked fish,"
said his mother, in a tone OF apologize
amelioration.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-05-14

like a stained glass window or q spectre
II reached my house. I entered
woke up my wife. who was peacefully
M dear said. here's a little
lunch
Thanks she said briefly, after look
ing me over. put 1t on the breakfast ia
whereupon the distinguished magazine
writer, who Is so popular in Washington.
wept softly and pushed the nearest butt
He was unanimously elected president
OF the I. B. Club.
. REPRESENTATIVE DAVID A. HOI.-
N LINGSWORTH of Cadix. Ohio. is
a solemn. elderly person, congenitaiiy
lacking in humor. He is stu lighting the
civil war. Also he wears mustache OF
that almost extinct type known Ne wal
rus
All OF which is merely preliminary and
Informative. Half dozen members
were standing in the we'll OF the House
during a roll call the other day when
one OF them, glaucing around the House
suddenly fixed his gaze and stared and
stared and stared. Finally the others
turned around. too. as foolish folks will.
and tried to discover what their colleague
was looking at.
What is it," asked one of them at
length.
The staring member stabbed the air with
his finger I'm The direction OF Mr.. Hol-
lingsworth.
What are you looking at him for"
Why. returned the staring member
without altering his gaze, I'm waiting
for him to slide off the ice
Whereupon the legislative decorlm or
the House was considerably unused up
for q minute.
IRVING c. NORWOOD.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-05-14

back about four feet and stuck out his
ctinnin' little tongue at the somewhat
disquieted and kerflummoxed hereof per-
son.
His mother saw this stuff. She smiled
most agreeable smile.
Precious" said she to the 1fP dear,
''you must not do that. really!
Precious thereupon whirled around from
facing the undersigned and staked his
mamma to that stuck.out-tongue thing.
"Oh, dearie," she said to him, in quite
a tone OF lufily depreciation. "naarnma's
dolIink mustn't do that, rully!'
Jaw. g'wan," replied dearie, in hoarse
tierision.
While dinner was being placed on the
table inside we three grown-up folk
started in to have little chatter about
things.
Would mammals dollink let us chatter
No, dears, mammals dolling would not.
'such lovely day." his mother muir
INJURED. "and-
Il wanna go up on tn roof!' bawled
the dearie with the cold. hard counte-
nance, breaking right in on his mothers
talk.
'It is the first nice day we've had for so
long" started to say another grown-up
present, a lady, land we are So
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1910-05-14
The Laughing Barber.

TIM RICE the coach OF the Columbia
man.
Hes SO young and tender" said the
coach, you'd never think he could row.
Why, they laugh at him At the barber'A
AS he WAS getting his hair cut the
other day he said to the barber visit
fully:
'''Do you think I'll have q strong
beard? Ny father has q very strong one
1t looks TO me- said the barber. a.
though you tex after your mother. ,