The Birmingham age-herald., 1910-04-27
MARK TWAIN ON BABIES

stomach, my friends. (Shouts) If the baby proposed to take walk at his usual hour, ? o'clock in the morning-Qaughter -oldn you rise promptly and remark with mental addition which would not improve Suday school book much -Qaughter)-that 1t was the very thing you were about to propose yourself? Great roars)
 "Oh, you were under good discipline uaughter)-and as you went faltering up and down the room in your undress uni form-QaughteD-you not only prattled baby talk, but even tuned up your mar tial voices and tried to sing Rock a-by Baby in the Tree Top. for instance. Great laughter.) What a spectacle for an army of the e-Qaughter)- and what an affliction for the neighbors, too, for it is not everybody within mile around that likes military music at 8 in the morning. Uaughter)
 And when you had been keeping this sort of thing up for two or three hours, and your little velvet-head intimated that nothing suited him like exercise and oise-Qaughter)-wha did you do? You simply went on until you dropped in the last ditch. Iaughter)
 "The idea that a baby doesn't amount to anything! Why, one baby is just a house and front yard full by itself. Naughter) One baby can furnish more business than you and your interior de- partment can attend to. Q.aughter) He | is enterprise irrepressible, brimful of law less activities. Oaughter) Do what you please you can't make him stay on the reservation. Great shouts.)
 Sufficient unto the day is one baby (Laughter) As long as you are in your right mind you never pray for twins lliaughter)-and there ain't any real differ ence between triplets and an insurrec- tion. CUproarious shouts.)
 "Yes, it was high time for a toast to
 the masses, to recognize the importance of the babies. (Laughter.) Think what | is in store for the present crop! Fifty years from now we shall all be dead, trust-Qaughter)-and then the flag, if 1t still survives, and let us hope it may, will be floating over republic number ing 200, 100000 souls, according to the set | tied laws of our increase. Our present
 schooner of state-Qaughter)-wil have
 grown into a political Leviathan-a Great
 Eastern. The cradled babies of today will
 be on deck. Let them be well trained,
 for we are going to leave big contract
 on their hands. Oaughter.)
 Among the three or four million
 cradles now rocking in the land are
 some which this nation would preserve for ages,> as sacred things, if we could
 know which ones they are. In one of
 these cradles the unconscious Farraaut
 of the future is at this moment teethinr l-Qaughter- and putting In word of dead
 earnest inarticulate but perfectly justi-
 fable profanity over it, too. Gaughter.l
 In another the future renowned astrono-
 mer is blinking at the shining milky way
 with but a liquid interest. poor little chap!
 and wondering what has become of the
 other one they call the wet nurse.
 (Shouts) In another the future great his
 toriaS is lying-and doubtless, will con-
 tinue to lie-Qaughter)-until his earthly
 mission is ended In another the future
 President is busying himself with no
 profounder problem than what the mis-
 chief has become of his hair so early l0aughter)-and in a. mighty array of
 cradles there are now some 5000 future
 office-seekers getting ready to furnish
 him occasion to grapple with that same
 old problem a second time.
 1 And in still one more cradle, some-
 where under the flag, the future illus-
 trious commander in chief of the Amer
 ican armies Is so little burdened with his
 approaching grandeur and responsbilitiss
 as to be giving his whole strategic mind
 at this moment to trying to find some
 way te get his big toe into his mouth
 0aughter)-an achievement which. mean
 ing no disrespect, the illustrious guest of
 this evening turned his attention to sonp
 5s years ago. and If the child is but
 prophecy of the man, there are mighty | few who will doubt that he will sue
 ceed.'s daughter and applause.)