The independent-reporter., 1910-10-20
SAMUEL |. CLEMENS
AMAzES GUIDES
American. Jokes Too
Subtle For Them
Characteristic Bit of HumOr from tht
Pen OF Mark Twain.


so much in sentiment and emotion be-
fore any relic OF Columbus. Our
guide there fidgeted about as If he had
swallowed a spring mattress. He was
full of animation-full of impatience.
He said:
Come wis me, gentleemen!-come.
show YOU re letter writing of Chris
touher Colombo. write it himself
write it wis his own hand,-come
He took us TO the municipal palace.
After much impressive fumblng oil
KEYS and opening of loo ks. the stained
and aged document was spread before
us. The guides eyes sparkled. lie
danced about us, and tapped the
parchment with his finger.
What | tell you. gentlemen! Is II
not so? See, Handwriting christopher
Colomboi-write it himself
We looked indifferent-uneoncerned
The doctor examined the doeumen,
very deliberately. during palnful
pause. Then he said, without any
show of interest
"Ah-Ferguson-w did you
say was the name of the party who
wrote this?'
christopher Colombo! ze great
Christopher Colombo!"
Another deliberate examination.
"Ah-did he write it himself, or-oi
how?"
He write it himself,-Christoph
Colombo! he's own handwriting, WRITE
by himself"
Then the doctor laid the document
down and said:
why. | have seen boys in Amerlca
only IA years old that could write pet
ter than that
But zis is re great Christie
az don't care who it Isl It's the
worst writing | ever saw. NOW you
mustn't think you can impose on us
because we are strangers. we are
not fools. by a good deal. 1t you have
got any specimens of penmanshlp ol
real merit. trot them out!-and II you
haven't, drive on!'
We drove on. The guide was con
siderably shaken up, but he made one
more venture. He had something
which he thought would overcome US
He said:
"Ah, gentlemen, you come wis us
| show you heautiful, o, magnin
cent Christopher Colombo.-splendid
grand, magnificent"
He brought us before the beautifu
bust-for it was beautiful-and sprant
back and struck an attitude:
"Ah, look, gentleemen!-beautiful
grand-bust Christopher Colombo!-
beautiful bust, beautiful pedestal!
The doctor put up his eye-glass
procured for such occasions:
"Ah-what did you say this gentlee
mans name was?'
christopher Colombo! ze grea
Christopher Colombo!"
christopher Colombo-the grea
Christopher Colombo. Well, what di'
he do?"
discover merica!-dlscove Amer
ica, o, re DEVIL"
Discover America? No-that state
ment will hardly wash. We are JUS
from America ourselves. We heart
nothing about it. Christopher Colombo
pleasant name-is-is he dead!
20, corpo di Baccho!-3OO year,
what dld ne ole Oh
81 do not know. / cannot tell"
Smallpox, think?"
81 do not know, gentleemen-l d'
not know of what he die of,
Measles, likely?"
"Maybe! maybe. | do not know
think he die of something
Parents living?"
1'Jm-nossjblat"
"Ah--which Is the bust and which
is the pedestal?"
Santa Maria !-zis re bust.-zis 2,
PEDESTAL"
"Ah-I see, | see-happy combina
tion-very happy combination indeed
Isis this the first time this gentle
man was ever on a bust?"
That Joke was lost on the foreigne
guides cannot master the subtletiei
of the American joke.
We have made 1t interesting fo
this Roman guide. Yesterday we spen
three or four hours in the Vatican
again, that wonderful world of curl
osities. We came very near express
ing interest sometimes, even admira
ton. 1t was hard to keep from it. W.
SuCCetueu, tuOuSu. INOUUuy tlS6 cfcl
did, in the Vatican museum. He
walked his legs off nearly, hunting I'll
extraordinary things. He had re-
served what he considered to be his
greatest wonder till the last-a royal
Egyptian mummy, the best preserved
in the world, perhaps. He took us
there. He felt so sure, this time, tha
some of his old enthusiasm came bach
to him:
See, ntleemen-Mummy Mum.
my"
The eye-glass came up as calmly, as
deliberately as ever.
"Ah--Ferguson-what did l under.
stand you to say the gentleman's
name was?"
rName?-he got no name!- Mum
my!-Gyptian mummy"
Yes, yes. Born here?
mo. Egyptian mummy"
"Ah. just so, Frenchman, l pre-
sume?"
"No-not Frenchman. not Roman