The citizen. (Honesdale, Pa.) 1908-1914, 1910-02-04
WILL THE COMET HIT US?
A Young Nephew Gives His Anxious
Auntie Some Pointers.
New York. Ian. "a, 1910.

NSW lOTk, Jan. ~, lSlV'
My Dear Auntie:-I have your re-
cent letter, and | feel very much in
fiated over the fact that you have
asked for my opinion relative to
Halley's comet coming in contact
with this little green footstoo"
upon which we reside.
You could hardly have found
person more competent to answer
your inquiry than your humble
servant, as | think | know power
ful lot about astronomical matters.
| ought to, at any rate, for once |
went through an observatory, and
of course, l got a heap of informa-
tion on astronomy then and there.
And, on my way out, | fell down
twenty-foot fight of stairs and
got few more points on astronomy.
And at another time, in some most
mysterious manner. | bumped my
head on a policeman's club. and it
was upon this eventful occasion
that Il looked into the future as far
as human eye could see,' and next
morning paid the judge for this les
son in astronomy.
Thus. you see, ] should be well
versed on the subject, and in fact
my astronomical bump is very well
developed.
My private and professional opin-
ion is that Halley's comet will hit
this little globe of ours. However,
from my recent observations, | can
assure you that on this corner of
the globe we are in no danger. The
comet will not hit the United States.
At present it is headed for, and will
probably hit, about two car-lengths'
south of Hohokus, n. J. 1t is now
567, 7,392,6S2 zacters Cone zacter is
equal to 65,3S7,S59 miles, to the
ieeward, and it is travelling at the
rate of-well, | don't like to tell
you how fast it is coming, but, ac-
cording to my latest calculations it
should dock at about 1928 a. m.
on February both.
Now, do not become alarmed, if
you have any friends in the vicinity
of Hohokus, as there is possibility
that l have made an error in my
figures. Other astronomers have
done such things. | remember,
many, many years ago, when / was
a boy, | had the goldarnuest scare
of my life on a similar proposition.
| heard the older wiseacres talking
about a star or planet. (Arcturus |
think was the name), that was COM
ing our way at the rate of several
hundred thousand million miles per
second and was then only some mil
70 ha rf
zonward, and, my impression was
that it was only a matter of days
or weeks when old mother earth
and all her cargo would disappear
like a snow ball in Hades, That's
one of the reasons why never would
study or do anything that wasn't
absolutely necessary to sustain life.
| said What's the use when the
grand finish is just around the cor
ner?" That was years and years
ago, and yet that darned old star
has not touched us. 1t must have
had bad weather or broken some of
it's machinery.
Speaking of being touched by
stars: A few nights ago l got touched
by "star" for my watch and pin
but she wasn't of the heavenly va
riety.
Being hit by things from way up
yonder does not worry me half as
much as how l am going to hit a
job paying about ten thousand with
two six-months' vacations a year.
Now, my dear Auntie, don't wan
der away into the solar system any
more. Stay right here on earth.
Sit down in your easy chair, take
good pinch of snuff, and keep right
on with your knitting; keep Uncle's
socks well darned, don't play bridge,
and, when we all "cross the river"
| will guarantee that you will land
right on top of great, big, fleecy
cloud where you can play all day
upon your golden harp and sing 81
Love to be in Heaven, But Oh! You
Naughty Old Earth"
/ am now going down around the
corner and make some "observa-
tions" through the bottom of a great,
big thick glass. Goodbye,
VICTOR.