The times and democrat. [volume] (Orangeburg, S.C.) 1881-current, 1910-10-20
THE BOSS ROSS, !.
Advance Copy of Speech to lie
Delivered at Possumbottomie.

& =.
Fellow citizens: I have just learn
ed that:
There was crooked man,
Who walked crooked mile,
And found crooked siX-pence
Upon a crooked stile.
, He bought a crooked cat,
Which caught crooked mouse,
And they all lived together
II little crooked house.
Now, my friends, that sort OF
thing has got to stop. And l m q the
one to stop it. The morals of this
country must be preseryed-and /
s shall preserve them even at
the sacrifice Of my own, / shall an
initiate every crook personally.
That's the kind Of thing the fossil
lied supreme court permits-not to
saw encourages. But never mind the
supreme court. I'll attend to that.
] promise you I'll have its Justices
all property labelled and slowed
away in glass cases in the Smithson-
ian institution the first day l am in
power. Ard shall be in power.
"a Now, to sketch hastily my program
. for your guidance. purpose to re-
form the universe as follows:
4. Make every bad man good.
This may seem hard to you; but = !
am honest. / am brave. / am wise
{: and 1i;shall do it.
2. Eliminate differences of color
in the races of man. The Chinese
have been yellow long enough. The
Malays have contumaciously persist
ed in remaining brown, a color Of;
fensive to me. They must be bleach
ed. AS for the red Indians, IFintend
to coin them all into Roosevelt cents,
and thus do away entirely with that
annoying element of the population.
: The only exception to this rule will
be men Of intelligence and property.
who will, of course, under my regl-
me remain permanently and hopeless
ly blue.
3. Make the rich poor and the
poor rich. This has been suggested
before, but no one has yet had the
nerve to carry it; out. have the
nerve. ... .-s----:
4. Abolish the laws Of nature and
establish the Roosevelt code. This
should be in full operation immedi-
ately after March 4,l913. | shall
have no judyes-the scourge or hu-
manity. shall be the sole judge.
5. Revise the solar system. This
has always been to me extremely de-
fectiye. Hereafter shall have ex-
actIy $50 days in the year. Odd days
and fractions confuse me and will be
discarded. Comets and meteors will
not be permitted to speed reckless
ly through the heavens. but must OBJ
tain license from my bureau OF trat-
fc. The Milky Way must be pas
teurized, and the procession Of the
equinoxes properly policed. ! shall
have the sun shine at night when
I feel in the mood for it. The pres
ent arrangement Of stars is inartls-
) tic; they will be set out anew in ac-
cordance with a design to be prepar-,
ed sbyL my private secretary expectant,
William of Germany. Other amend
ments will be announced in special
orders issued from time to time.
6. Terrestrial gravitation shall
cease to operate. I shall be the sole
center of attraction
Z. Minor changes in the world;
a. The Atlantic States are too
stagnant. They must remove ,ta
west of. Mississippi. ,~
b. All European nations must dis
arm Immediately. I shall do all the
fighting with my army and my navy
c. Extremes of temperature are
hereby abolished. This will foster
the conservation Of natural re-
sources of coal and ice.
d. Rough Rider costume must be.
universally adopted and cowboy
manners will be the only etiquette
tolerated.
e. East Africa is to be fenced in
as my huntlnS PARK.
If. There is too much water on
the earth's surface. Undesirable
seas must dry up. The proportion
shall hereafter be three-quarters
land, one-quarter, water.
g. Volcanoes, geysers, water
spouts, cyclones and similar natural
,bon,man, pouSt strictly conform to
regulations to be prepared by my
interstate commerce commission,
which shall also control the speed
and direction of ocean currents and
winds.
5. Reclamation. understand
that the moon has carelessly been
allowed to grow cold and unproduc-
tive. shall have Pinchot irrigate,
reforest and repopulate it:
9. Economic laws will be repeal
ed. as superfuous. I shall supply
and demand everything.
10. Business industries are ahso'
lete. Together with railroads and
corporate enterprise they must bs
Immediately and permanently dis.
continued.
II. Truth and honesty will be re-
vised by me daily. Yesterdays stan
dard will be no criterion for today's
12. Logic is hereby declared void
and of no effect.
13. Anything not covered speci-