The San Francisco call., 1910-06-12

and eventually wakes up.
But didn't wake up. An allusion
to sleep naturally suggests policeman
so my next victim was my old college
chum. John Moran. who preserves life
and property in McAllister street
John is friend of cigars. Many
brands look good to him. Fat cigars
and thin cigars. light cigars and dark
cigars of all sizes and shapes and
brands find an abiding place in the in
ner pocket of his expansive coat. Just
now John was lighting a Croptimo
from the butt OF Henry Gray. And he
had a Van Wyck in cold storage be-
hind his ear.
We'll, Moran" I said by way OF in
PRODUCTION, II see you're a heavy
smoker"
Heavy smoker nothing@ John snort
ed contemptuously. why, 1 smoke no
more than eight or nine cigars a day
And so you're not a heavy smokerT'
"Of course not. I'm only a moderate
smoker very moderate smoker.
About five years ago 1 used to average
13 cigars a day. Then was heavy
smoker, though 1 didn't think so at
the time"
And what do you think now%
John flicked an ash cone into gar
bage can.
I'll tell you. Take 1t from me, you
can put man down as heavy smoker
once he crosses the dozen mark II
you were to smoke 13 or IA cigars a
day recoiled in horror of course
you might consider yourself a heavy
smoker"
The panhandle looked good to me
after that. I wanted to listen to the
birds and the automobiles, and think
Was there ever to be an end to this
horrible tobacco paved road wherein I
had essayed to walk? The farther I
plunged the thicker and thicker grew
the smoke.
Whenever a man is in wrong he tells
his troubles to a policeman. When that
fails he tells them to a woman. Ye
gods and periwinkles! Here was an
inspiration. After all, we masculine
brutes are Grass and thick witted, slow
of speech and scared of SOUL We try
to reason out things and never get to
any respectable conclusion. But women
don't reason. Women have intuition,
just as the angels are said to have In
tuition, and women don't have to rea-
son. That's why they never do. They
don't think about things, but always
come out right in the long run.
So why not get the feminine view
point on this vexing heavy smoker
question? Women don't smoke-cigars.
but they know all about folks who do.
Their decision is certain to be impair
tial, first. because women are always
notoriously impartial, and secondly be-
cause in this particular case they have
no specter of Disqualification standing
beside them to blind their eyes to the
facts.
thoughts begun to take shape when 1
was mechanically raising my hat to a.
high school teacher 1 know. Let us
call her Mrs. Reams. She is a good
teacher and a charming woman and a
Keen observer who. like the late la
mented Cassius, looks quite through
the deeds of men. But she often smiles
and smiles in such sort as though
she enjoyed it as much as you do.
After devoting 10 minutes to a de-
tailed, comprehensive and gloriously
pungent criticism of the new board of
-
was looking worried. Then, while the
melancholy music of man over in Fell
street singing Rags, bottles, sacks,
was borne across the waving treetops
to our unheeding ears, L told her the
story of my hopeless quest.
II think" said Mrs. Reams, after a
dramatic pause occasioned by a sudden
veering of the wind and consequent
shower from nearby grass sprinkler.
I think that your failure-and you'll
admit it is failure, won't you?-to
arrive at satisfactory definition of a
heavy smoker is due to the fact that
you have not interviewed the right per-
sons You should have come to me
first
Yes. ma'am."
But I'll not keep you in suspense"
No, ma'am.'
How many cigars must man smoke
each day in order to be considered
rightly considered-a heavy smoker?
Is not that your question:"
Yes. ma'am.
Well, I'll tell you. Sixteen"
'sWha what. ma amp
Sixteen cigars. There is your an
swer. Now you know upon what basis
you may judge whether or not man is
a heavy smoker
Mrs. Reams extended little gloved
hand and flashed her most convincing
smile.
"One moment. please" 1 entreated.