Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922, 1910-05-28
MARK TWAIN AS A SOLDIER
How lie Fought for His Country In
the wilds of Mis-
souri,.

IF you fight as well as you feed, COD
protect the enemy" exclaimed Mark Twain
in addressing the ancient and honorable
artillery company OF Boston, many years
ago. The humorist was himself warrior,
had felt the thrills and throbs of warriors
in peace and war, and claimed TO have |
made record as soldier glorious as
any ancient within reach of his voice. |
This was his experience as a soldier:
I'm the earliest summer days Of the war |
I slipped out OF Hannibal Mo-, by night, !
with a friend and joined a detachment of
the rebel General Tom Harris army Il |
find myself in a minority here, up a gorge |
behind an old barn in Rolls county. Col |
| onel Rolls swore us in. He made us swear
| to uphold the flag and constitution Of the
! United States, and to destroy any other
| military organization that we caught doing
| the same thing. In other words, we were
| to repell invasion Well, you see, this
mixed us. We couldn't really tell which
| side we were on, but we went into camp
and left It to the god of battles Cor that
| was the term them. 1 was made second
lieutenant and chief mogul Of a company
of eleven men; for we had no captain.
My friend, who was 10 years old, six feet
high, three feet WIDE some distances
through, and just out of the infant school,
was made orderly sergeant. His name
was Ben Upper. He had a hard time.
ben Topper had been rightly reared, and
| when he was ready for bed he would start
to pray and If q rat would bite him on the
heel then he would sit up and swear
all night Oaughter) and keep everybody
awake. He was town bred and did not
seem to have any correct idea of military
discipline. If 1 commanded him to shut
up he would say: who was your Niger
lat nnn I nTnaTn1
to ride out on picket duty about three
miles, to the beginning of a prairie. Said
he: What? In the night and them
blamed Union soldiers likely to be proving
around there any time!' SO he woudnt
go. Next morning / ordered him again.
Said he In the rainl-I think see my
selfp He didn't go. Next day / ordered
him on picket duty once more. This time
he looked hurt Said he; What! on Sun
I day? You must be damn fool!' Laugh-
teri Pcketing was impracticable, so l
dropped it from my military syst m.
O I'VE had a good enough time there at
r that barn, barring the rats and the mos
qutoes and the rain. We levied on both
parties impartially, and both parties hated
x us impartially. But one day we heard that
l. the invader was approaching; so we had to
e pack up and move, of course, Inside OF
twenty-four hours he was coming again.
Q So we moved again. Next day he was
y after us once more. We didn't like II
n much, but we moved rather than make
d trouble. This went on for week or ten
days. and we saw considerable scenery.
Then Ben Upper lost patience. Said he;
ID War amt what it's cracked up to be; m
t going home if 1 can't ever get chance
Or to sit down. Why do those people keep us
g a-humping around so? Blame their skins
| ~ Il de-,
& of the other town boys began to grumble
h they complained that there was INSULT
r cheney Of umbrellas. So 1 sent around tc
ID the farmers and borrowed what I could
r. Then they complained that the Worcester
shire sauce was out There was mutiny
~ and dissatisfaction all around and of course
n here came the enemy Fostering us again
re as much as two hours before breakfast
en- too when nobody wanted to turn out, OF
i'll course. This was little too much. Th'
BY whole command felt insulted. 1 sent al
by aide to the brlgadier and asked him t.
;" Cssign us a district where there wasn't 81
I'd much bother going on. The history OF ou
campaign was laid before him, but instead
T. of being touched by 1t, what did he do
w He sent back an indignant message HI
nd said: You have had dozen chances insid
e. of two weeks to capture the enemy, ant
Il; he is still at large Feeling bad? Sta,
"A where you are this time or 1 will court
IN, martial and hang the whole of YOU
ID submitted this rude message to my com
nand and asked their advice, Said tn
by orderly sergeant: If Tom Harris want
nd the enemy, let him come and get him;
ur Amt got any use for my share. And who
Tom Harris, anyway, that's putting on S
many frills? Why, l knew him when h
ial wasn't nothing but a darn telegraph opel
20 ator. Gentlemen, you can do as 20
S, +" choose; as for me. I've got enough of thi
"A sashshaying around SOS you can't get
ser chance to pray, because the times all re
rv- qulred for cussng SO off goes my wa
paint-you hear me! The whole regimen
nd said: That's the talk for mel SO the
wn and there my brigade dlsbanded itself an
are tramped off home. 1 at the tail of it.
md hung up my sword and returned to I'll
in arts of peace"