davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21
CONFESSIONS OF A CLOWN.

at Last, There is on Sale a Book
Brimful of American Humor.
Any bookseller will tell you that
the constant quest of his customers
is for "a book which will make me
laugh" The bookman is compelled
to reply that the race of American
humorists has run out and comic lit
erature is scarcer than funny plays.
A wide sale is therefore predicted for
the Memoirs of Dan Rice" the
Clown of Our Daddies, written by
Maria Ward Brown, a book guar
anteed to make you roar with laugh
teN The author presents to the pub
fona volume of the great TESTERS
most pungent jokes, comic harangues,
caustic hits upon men and manners,
lectures, anecdotes, sketches of ad-
venture, original songs and poetical
e%fusions; wise and witty, serious.
satirical, and sentimental sayings of
the sawdust arena of other days.
Old Dan Rice, as proprietor of the
famous Zone Horse Show" was more
of a national character than Artemus
Ward, and this volume contains the
humor which made the nation laugh
even while the great Civil War ragged.
This fascinating book of 500 pages.
beautifully illustrated, will be sent
postpaid to you for s1.50. Address
Book Publishing House, 1874 Leonard
street, New York City.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21
As to C~hauffcurs.

Many persons often ask the proper
pronunciation of chauffeur" Some
pronounce it to read "shofur," and
some "shoflr," and some worse yet
pronounce it like "chafing" dish. All
are wrong. The best pronunciation
is show" Gas in show, Apher" Gas
in @pharmaclstr). If we borrow
some words from a foreign country
don't let's assassinate them, n don't
let's murder them. We French use
some English words, but before we
say them aloud we make sure OF their
meaning and their proper pronuncia-
ton. On the other hand a chauffeur
is a man who attends a boiler tenglne
fireman.. and the mar behin the
wheel (of In automobile) Is a "meca-
nicien' (machinist).-N. Bailiff, in
the Evening World.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21
Getting Experience.

Poultry farming, of all other
branches Of agriculture, has suffered
by the fact of so many people think
ing it quite an easy thing to tend
fowls. So 1t is, and there Is good
money being made at 1t, too, If one
only knows the way.
Professor Gilbert, of the Ottawa
experience relates the following:
when addressing an institution, a
young man of more than average in
telligence rose and stated that he
was a clerk in a brokers' office, but
had decided to go into poultry; would
l kindly tell him how many hens it
would be necessary for him to keep,
and what would be the least capital
required to insure him an income of
$500 or 5000 a year? 1 replied:
Young man, have you ave been in
the drug business?' He said that he
had not. Then said I, take my ad-
vice and try that business first.'
II recommended drugs because the
law requires him to serve apprentice.
| ship before he can start in business,
while in the chicken business there is
no such requirement. The result is
it is seldom we hear of a druggist
failing, and seldom we see such a
man when he starts in the poultry
business make it a success, because
fully ninety per cent. of such poultry
men have served no apprenticeship,
They prefer to buy the experience.
Well, it can be purchased, but it
comes high, and l think the success
full poultry instructor of to-day is &C
tually doing better work in keeping
the fool and his money from parting
than he is in urging men to start in
the industry, although, as l have said
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21
Early Surgery.

Benvenuto Cellini G500-1571)
tells of early italian surgery. He had
got a bit of Clipped steel in his eye,
$50 far into the pupil that it was i'm
possible to get it out, SO that I was
in very great danger of losing that
eye." But the surgeon came to the
rescue with the pigeons. 1.-The sur
geon, making me lie upon my back,
with a little knife opened a vein in
each of their wings, so that the blood
ran into my eye, and l was thereby
greatly relieved. In the space of
two days the bit of steel issued from
my eye, and 1 found that ! had re-
ceived considerable ease, and in a
great measure recovered my sight"
Kansas City Journal.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21

This affords additional ventilation for
the room where our fowls have to
pass the night. Later on, when our
young stock get too large to remain
in the coops and breeders, they will
be given temporary shelter under this
shed or tent, where they can pass the
night in safety until room is made
for them in the regular henhouse or
until they are otherwise disposed of.
Altogether, I am well pleased with
this cheap structure. We get good
returns in health Of fowls and In eggs.
1t is a good many years since we had
as good a supply Of eggs, from the
same number of birds, as WI had this
last winter and as we are having at
the present time.-Tribune Farmer.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21
LIGHT BOOZE
Do You Drink It?

A minister's wife had quite atussle
with coffee, and her experience is In
teresting. She says:
During the two years of my train
ing as a nurse, while on night duty,
became addicted to coffee drinking.
Between midnight and four in the
morning, when the patients were
asleep, there was little to do except
make the rounds, and it was quite
natural that l should want a good,
hot u of coffee about that time. 1t
stimulated me and I could keep
awake better.
After three or four years OF cofee
drinking l became a nervous wreck,
and thought that I simply could not
live without my coffee. All this time
I was subject to frequent bilious at
tacks, sometimes SO severe as to keep
me in bed for several days.
After being married, Husband
begged me to leave off coffee. for he
feared that it had already hurt me al
most beyond repair, SO | resolved to
make an effort to release myself from
the hurtful habit.
II began taking Postum and for a
few days felt the languid, tired feel
ing from the lack of the stimulant,
but | liked the taste of Postum, and
that answered for the breakfast bev-
erage all right
"Finally / began to feel clearer
headed and had steadier nerves. AT
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21
Where It Landed Him.

With a dazed look in his bloodshot
eyes the man who had been on a jag
for a week or more and had wandered
over the country in a half delirious
condition without knowing where he
was going came to himself.
He was in a STANCE city.
Everything around him looked un-
familiar.
"Oficer." he said, stopping a po-
liceman, what town is this?"
Anaconda" answered the police
man.
"Then I've got 'em again!" he
groaned.-Chicago Tribune.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21
500 Reward, 500.

The readers of this paper will bepleased to
learn that there is at least one dreaded dis
ease that science has been able to cure in all
its stages, and that is Catarrh. Halls Catarrh
Cure is the only positive cure now known to
the medical fraternity. Catarrh being a con-
stitutional disease, requires a constitutional
treatment. Halls atarrh Cure is taken inter
nally, acting directly upon the blood and mu-
cous surfaces of the system, thereby destroy
ing the foundation of the disease, and giving
the patient strength by building up the con-
stitution and assisting nature in dong its
work. The proprietors have SO much faith
in its curative powers that they offer One
Hundred Dollars for any case that it fails to
cure. Send for list of testimonials. Address
F.J. CHENEY & Co., Toledo, 0.
Sold by Druggists, 75c.
Take Halls Family Pills for consultation.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21
China's Lively Emperor.

Pu /, the infant Emperor of China
OF course counts for nothing as yet.
unless the sympathy and love which
his pretty babyhood inspires NAV
have an influence upon the trend of
events. That he is a healthy young
potentate is evidenced by an edict
promulgated in his own name and
under his own imperial seal which
recently convulsed Pekin society. In
1t he demanded that thirty-fve mrs
ing mothers should be immediately
found and sent into the Palace to
minister to his infant needs
Eleanor Franklin -Egan, in Every
body's.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21
The Apple Tree Fleet.

"The humorists long shore call
them the ~'apple-tree feet" writes
Holman Day, because their shippers
intend to keep-them on the safe side
Of the seafaring-or s~eafearin', as the
aforesaid humorists insist; so care
fully on the safe side that they do
not venture off shore far enough to
lose sight of the apple trees" The
sapple-tree fleet" consists of certain
a~ntiquated coasting vessels that run
cargoes from Maine into the New
England ports. Many of these relics
date for nearly a century; n of
them, the Polly, was a ~privateer in
the War of 1912. Many are the
amusing stories which the author
tells of these ships and their shippers.
One Captain Shibles sailed from
Thomastown with a cargo of lime, but
found a dull market in Chesapeake
Bay. 81 know what I'll do" said
Captain Simeon Shibles to himself.
It'll put on my best clothes and go up
to Washington and see President
Jackson" The captain did so, was
admitted to the White House, and,
with his plug hat" under his arm,
thus delivered himself: President
Andrew Jackson, Esquire, I have
called to pay my respects to a man I
admire, and to say that I shall con
tinue to vote for you as long as / live.
And not to take up any more of your
valuable time, I want to ask you II
you have any use in your business or
in the business of the United States
for a cargo of Maine lime" The
President bought it for the navy yard.
-Harper's Weekly.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21
Editorial Candor.

In Everybody's straight Talk" was
printed the following from an Iowa
correspondent:
II read over the jokes in Under
the Spreading Chestnut Tree every
month. This month I found one
which seemed very funny to me-"
THAT was bad enough" say the
editors. But when a member OF
your own family. so to speak-Well
here's what happened:
Here's a peach of a story said
the Chestnut Tree" man the other
day, but ! have a feeling that we've
printed 1t before
is it really very funny?'
"'Yes, it really u.s.
Then l don't believe we have y
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21
For Roup.

Mix five cents worth of permanga-
nate of potash with quart of wat
er, and put n tablespoonful in a
bucket of water or milk and use as a
preventive. l prefer milk. The birds
that have the disease take one table,
spoonful of the permanganate and
water mixture to n pint of water.
Give one teaspoonful three times a
day and wash their heads in weaker
solution. When I am giving the
treatment / smoke my chickens until
they begin to choke for breath, either
with pine tar or sulphur. This is a
good disinfectant and is also good for
mites and lice.-Mrs. G. U%ngeheuer,
Cutterville, Kan.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21

are just common cold storage stuff.
They bring fifty cents a dozen,
though, on account of the stamp.
Never set a duck egg over a week
old. They lose fertility quickly.
A $40 rooster is generally cheaper
than a So one. The good blood will
tell the second year.
White China geese are very gentle.
They are also good watchers in the
poultry yards, as any unusual disturb
ance is soon told by the noise they
make.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21
No Escape.

Temperance Gentleman - tom
Timkins, IL you continue like this
there is only weeping and crashing in
store for you"
The Incorrigible Amt Chico
got a tooth (hic) in me cad"
Temperance Gentleman MY
friend, teeth will be provided. LON
don Taller.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21
Rare Opportunity For Burbank.

"Are you the man who produced
the spineless cactus?"
ST am"
"Umph-umph. Good thing, I sup
pose. But why don't Vol produce
something in the way of homeless
shad?"
Burbank explained stifdy that the
shad was not within his jurisdiction.
Philadelphia Ledger.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21
The Parson and the Dentist.

A clergyman went to have his teeth
fixed by a dentist. When the work
was done the dentist declined to ac-
cept more than a nominal fee. The
parson, in return for this favor, in
sisted later on the dentist accepting a
volume of the reverend gentleman's
W writing. 1t was a disquisition on
the Psalms, and on the fly leaf he had
inscribed this appropriate quotation:
And my mouth shall show forth
thy praisei"-Harper's Weekly.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21

vousness, irregular action of the kid
neys, and seemed to be going all to
pieces. l began to improve with the
use of Doan's Kidney Pills and grad
ually the pains all left me. After
using a few boxes l was all well again
and will never cease praising Doan's
Kidney Pills"
Sold by all dealers. SO cents a box.
Foster-Milburn Co., Buffalo, N. Y.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21

Inter den Linden is the centre of
Berlin and the hub of the German
Empire. This magnificent boulevard
ts 1913 feet in width. and under the
shade OF its lime trees the Berliners
have a meeting place which is equal
n architectural beauty to any in
Europe. It is lined on either side
with magnificent hotels, restaurants
and palaces.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21
Notes of the Poultry Yard.

The man who said "the best poul-
trymen on most farms are women"
knew what he was talking about.
Eggs brought forty-five to sixty
cents per dozen in the big city mar
kets all winter. You a get these
prices, buyer to pay express charges,
If you go about it right.
In Chicago, companies with big
names sell eggs stamped Guaranteed
Fresh" Pure Fresh Eggs" Just
Laid and so on but most of them
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21
Making II pleasant For Him.

Gentlemen" said the POSTMASTER
at the banquet, @we have listened to
some excellent orators this evening,
and l am sure we have enjoyed their
efforts very much. l have purposely
kept one of our best speakers for the
last, and after you have heard him
/ know you will be glad to go home.
Gentlemen, l have the honor to pre-
sent Mr.. Ketchum A. Cummin, who
will now address you."-Chicago
Trjhr,ne
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21
Old hut Wise Advice.

At the beginning of the cask and
at the end take thy fill, but be a v
ing in the middle. for at the bottom
saving comes too late. Let the price
fixed with a friend be sufficient, and
even dealing with a brother call in
witnesses, but laughingly.-Hesiod.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21


everything seemed
to give way and |
fell gasping to the
o O From that
lime l was in i'll
health-pain in my
back all the time,
varied with sharp
twinges, frequent
headaches, trouble
NTH NV 4-4 49,
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21
The Difference.

At n time both Montague Mat.
thews and Matthew Montague were
members of the British House Of
Commons. Mr.. Matthews was a big,
powerful giant of a man. Mr.. Mon.
tague was thin and emaciated. The
Speaker frequently confused the two.
Il cant understand it, said Mon.
tague Matthews. There's as much
difference between us as there is be.
tween a horse chestnut and a chest.
nut horse" - Everybody's Magazine
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21

The island of Hokkaido is n OF
Japan's most valuable properties. Its
Eaineral production largely coal) in
creased from s1,2S2,000 in 1895 to
nearly $1,000 900 In 1907, and this is
with only a very small part of its
mineral field exploited.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21

Among medicines recommended and en-
dorsed by physicians and nurses is Kemp's
Balsam, the best cough cure. For many
years regarded by doctors as the medicine
nSst Ill LIKELY Y to ss cure coughs " Is it has a strong
When Kemp's Balsam cannot cure a cough
we shall be at a loss to know what will.
At druggists and dealers. 25c.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21

The University of Heidelberg has
received from a foreign benefactor
Interested in the advancement of sci
ence the sum of over $4,000 to-
ward the foundation of a photographic
institute.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21
one.Eyed Mosquito.

Not a few Sarawak mosquitoes
would be worthy of notice as being
peculiar, but space forbids mention
of more than one, Oculeomyia sara
walk. Like the monster Cyclops OF
table, this mosquito is remarkable in
being ~one-eyed. The insect was dis
covered a year or two ago by DR..
Barker. and the curator of the
museum at Kuching considers that
this specimen must be uncommon,
as he has never seen another
London Standard. SY
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21
DESTROYING the Evidence.

Vernon told me this morning" re.
lated the lady with the cold blue
eye, that he passed the tree where
two years ago he carved your initials
and his own. and encircled them
with a heart. He says he felt SO glad
he almost danced with JOY"
"Ah," said the tall brunette, anx.
iously, then he must still love me
after all? Did he tell you why he
felt SO happy?"
Eyes, dear; b g said some men were
cutting the tree down."-Judy.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21

Motorists will learn with interest
of the case of a Hyderabad notable
whose car almost came into collision
with that of the Nizam. The notable
was fined $3.50 by the Nizam, and all
his motor cars were confiscated.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21
Very Distant.

Are you related to Barney
O'Brien?e Thomas OBrien was once
asked.
Very distantly," replied Inomas'
Il was me mothers first child
Barney was th'lslvinteenth' livery
body,s MagazI]
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21
Future Captain of Industrv

please. sir, have you a match?'
asked the small boy of the hurrying
pedestrian. MOL have not" snapped
the man. Then buy some," ex.
claimed the boy as he held out a
handful of boxes. He did business
London Globe.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21
77Hza0O15lg}E7]E5
Comforting Assurance.

you
consulted me. I'm just the very man
to-er-cure YOU"
Patient-"Ah, that's lucky! You
are quite familiar with my complaint,
then?"
Doctor-"Familiar? My dear sir,
I've had 1t myself-er-this twenty
years!"-Comic Cuts.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21
A Hard Prescription.

The Doctor-"Young man, it will
not do for you to stick in an office.
You must get outdoors-must have
air. By the way. what is your occu-
pation?"
Patient-"T am an aeronaut."-
Life.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21

British cocoa firms have decided
not to use any more cocoa from the
Portuguese islands of Sac Thome and
Principe because of the i'll treatment
of the natives laboring IN the planta-
lions.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21

English mercantile marine, which
forms more than one-half of the
whole worlds shipping, brings that
country about $450,000,0o every
year. N.Y.-21
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21

The last available statistics show
that in one year in Germany the
sum Of about 100000. 900 was paid to
invalid workmen to the number OF
$4,000. in the form of old age pen
sions.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21
THEIR SKIN TROUBLES CURED.
Two Little Girls Had Eczema Very
Badly-In One Case Child's Hair
Came Out and Left Bare Patches
-Cuticura Met with Success.

-Cutlcura Met with success.
1T have two little girls who nave been
troubled very badly with eczema. One of
them had it on her lower limbs. l did
everything that l could hear of for her, but
it did not give in until warm weather, when
it seemingly subsidized. The next winter
when it became cold the eczema started
again and also in her head, where it would
take the hair out and leave bare patches.
At the same time her arms were sore the
whole length of them. | took her to a
physician, but the child grew worse all the
time. Her sisters arms were also affected.
| began using the Cuticura Remedies, and
by the time the second lot was used their
skin was soft and smooth. Mrs. Charles
Baker, Albion, Me-, Sept. 81, 19O8."
Potter Drug & Chem. Corp, Sole Props.
Of Cuticura Remedies, Boston, Mass.
Australia is t~wenty-six times larger than
the british Isles
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21

The wood Of the allanthus tree, de.
spised because Of its odor, resembles
white ash and Is capable Of . high
polish.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21

Though Swansea, Wales, is in the
heart of the Welsh anthracite coal
field, stoves suitable for burning 1t
are conspicuous by their absence.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21

DrDavid Kennedy Blood troubles, pain In back
cloudy urine with sediment, pain In passing water
constipation skin eruptions, etc. 2 If SO, don't delay
oue use Dr. David Kennedy's Favorite Remedy al
0nce. Large bottles, $1.00; all druggists. Write DR.
David Kennedy Co. Rondout. N. Y, for free sample
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21

In seven years sleeping sickness in
Uganda has killed no less than 100000 out
of a population of 300. 900.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21
A CURE FoR FITS

What Science Has Been Strug-
Cling to Attain for Centuries.
The intense interest that has been mani.
tested throughout the country By the won.
derful cures that are being accomplished
daily by epilepticide still continues. 1t is
really surprising the vast number of people
who have already been cured Of fits and
In order that everybody may
have a chance to test the medicine, large
trial bottles, valuable literature, History Of
Epilepsy and testimonials, will be sent by
mail absolutely free to all who write to the
DR.. May Laboratory, 543 Pearl Street.
New York City.
The epilepticide cure is creating great
public interest, as well as among Doctors.
Students. Hospitals and visiting Physicians.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21

DR.. Detchon's Relief for Rheumatism radi.
cally curesin to 3days. Its action is remark
able. It removes at once the cause and tho
disease Immediately disappears. First dose
greatly benefits. 75c. and 81. At druggists.
The smallest quadruped in the world is
the pigmy mouse of Siberia.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21

The cost Of E~ngland's old age PEN
sioqs will be shout 100000.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21
CAUSE FOR ALARM.
Seemed to Be Breaking Down With
Kidney Trouble.

Mrs. j. N. Smith, Chicago St., Bu-
chanan, Mich, says: while lifting,
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21
A Domestic Eye Remedy

The first attempt to steer a balloon was
made in Paris in 1874.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21

Compounded by Experienced Physicians.
Conforms to Pure Food and Drugs Laws.
Wins Friends Wherever Used. Ask Drug
gists for Murine Eye Remedy. Try Murine.
Every shilling turned out by the English
mint shows a profit of nearly ~three-pence.
Mrs. Winslow's Soothing Syrup for Children
teething, softens the gums, reduces inflamma-
ton, allays pain, cures wind collie. 25c. bottle.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21
DR.. KENNEDY'S
EAv0RlTE
Il Rem EDY
For KIDNEYS, BLOOD and LIVER

Backed by over 80 years of q
markable success In the cure Of
Kidney, Liver and Blood trou-
bles; Constipation and the dis
eases peculiar to women. Not q
patent medicine. The formula
is in keeping with strict scientific
principles. Many physicians of
the highest standing have pre-
scribed DR.. David Kenpedy's Fa-
yorite Remedy. This statement
can be proved absolutely. 1t has
cured many cases practically
abandoned. Have you dangerous
symptoms of Kidney, Liver and
RIoOd froubIae poIu IN Ianb
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21

About SIS, 100000 worth of quinins
is consumed annually the world over.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21
Rheumatism Cured in a Day.

Australia is twenty-six times larger than
the British Isles.
The Penn's Grove record., 1909-05-21
What more proof can any one ask 7

For 80 years Lydia e. Pinkham's Vegetable
Compound has been the standard remedy for
female ills. No sick woman does justice to
herself who will not try this famous medicine.
Made exclusively from roots and herbs, and
has thousands of cures to it's credit.
- Mrs. Pinkham invites all sick women
~ to write her for advice. She has
guided thousands to health free of charge.
Address Mrs. Pinkham, Lynn, Mass.