The Athena press. [volume] (Athena, Umatilla County, Or.) 18??-1942, 1909-01-15
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phia Record.
what ails me, doc?'' asked the gen.
ial clubman. .You need a job. You're
suffering from everest" New York
Sun.
Mrs. Benham-How much did you
pay the minister when we were mar
ried? Benham-He fined me five dol
lars.-Harpers Weekly p
Teacher-Now, children, what. is the
greatest enemy of poultry? Silence.
Teacher--Who eats the most poultry?
Pupils-The minister !-Jugend Mum
ich).
The Lady-Little boy. don't you know
smoking will shorten your life? The
Kid-Shucks! Wot do care? I've
seen everything dere is.-Boston TRAY.
eler.
Pat-I hear yer wolfe is sick, Moike
Mike-She is thot. Pat-Is 1t danger
GUS she is? Mike-Divil a bit. She's
too weak to be dangerous any more =
Brooklyn Life.
Facetious Friend (teasingly)-Well
which rules-you or your wife? Mr..
Youngwed with hauteur)-You forget
we can afford to keep cook.-Balti-
more American.
Stella-So your father handled him
without gloves? Bella-Yes, and it
would have been better for poor, dear
George if he had done it without shoes
New York Sun.
y ''The telephone is certainly a great in
vention. Think Of it! You can talk to
your wife fifty miles away" That
may be your experience. All I've been
able to do is to listen"
"Havc you,' asked the judge of a re-
Gently convicted man, anything to Of
fer the court before sentence is
passedp mo, your honor" replied
the prisoner, "my lawyer took my last
dollar"
Il saw the majors wife at her win
dow early this morning. She looked
40 years old !" "You must be mistaken,
your. highness no woman is as old MS
she looks in the morning !"-Fllegende
Blaetter. &1
! why are you SO vcxed, IrmaT II
am so exasperated! | attended the
meeting of the Social Equality League,
and my parlor maid presided and had
the audacity to call me to order three
times Fliegende Blaetter.
Mulligan-The byes say ye licked
poor Casey. shure, he niver hurt iny
mans feelin's. Harrigan-He's
shnake in the grass. The blackguard
referred to me as his contimperary,
and I'll be the contimperary to no man
livin' Puck.
Before we were married." said Mrs.
Chatterton, "you used to tell me how
much you loved me, but you never do
now" "Of course not, my dear" re-
piled the masculine partner. "Since our
you haven't given me a chance
to tell you anything"
Said a poet to an unfortunate specu-
lator: Don't you think that the open
ing lines Of Tennyson's little poem,
Break, break, break are plaintive and
sad?" "Yes," was the melancholy re-
ply. But | think that Broke, broke,
broke is a good deal sadder."
"William," she said, "means good.
James means beloved | wonder
a flush mantled her cheek. II wonder
she softly murmured, what George
meansT' George means business, |
hope" said mother, looking up from the
wedding announcements in the paper.
Anxious Mother-Nellie, dear, do you
think that young Higgins, who has
been calling on you twice a week for
some time, is matrimonially inclinedi
Pretty Daughter-Really, don't know
what to think, mamma, dear. He has
such knack Of keeping one in the
dark! @~s
Old Acquaintance-Why, old chap, a
few years ago you were the best
dressed man in town, but now your
outfit lis pretty shabby. Had a reversei
Companion-Well, you may call 1t that.
The truth is, | got married since, and
now it's my wife that's the best dressed
woman in town.
Young Wife-To-morrow will be my
birthday, dear. Young Husband
You'll be twenty-one? Young Wife
No; twenty-five. Young Husband
Why, year ago, just before our we'd
ding, you told me you were only twen-
ty. Young Wife-Yes, but have aged
rapidly since our marriage.
"My friends, said an itinerant
preacher, "the Scriptural rule for Civ
ing was one-tenth of what man pos
sessed. II you feel you can't AFFORD so
much, Just give a sixth, or fourth, ac-
cording to your means. We will dis
pense with the next hymn and take up
the collection ."-Lippincott's.
Willie-And so you quarreled? Char
she sent back all my pres.
ents. And what do you suppose |
didf Willie-Can't guess. Charlie--I
sent her a half dozen boxes Of face
powder. with a note explaining that
I'd taken about that much home on
my coat since I'd known her.-The Cos
sip.