davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1909-12-23

busy? want some collars for my
husband. Oh. are these ladies' collars?
How stupid. | told that man distinctly
! wanted collars.
lat the right place, Are husbands
collars here? Well. am glad ! have
found the right place at last. Size?
You clerks always ask 80 many Ques-
tons. | never bought any before. b.
cause we've been married only No.
his neck Isl t very large. Why. can
reach But he has real broad shout.
ders. How nice you are to think Of
that! Yes. box of assorted sizes
would be just the thing. Some Of
them would be sure to be right. and
could cut the others off-that is. II they
were not too small. You d better put
IN nearly all large sizes. You see. !
am starting out as economical as
can be. think II must he so diScour-
aging for man 10 have q woman
spend his money on frivolous things.
Now, as | was coming down the street
! saw q big sale of hats-men's hats.
They had been In the window and
were little soiled. but | found such
a nice clerk. aud he said II got some
OF that 1910 soap IT would make
them look like new. Dir. Harris IL
very particular about bis clothes He
won't wear trousers unless they are
pressed. So ! bought three Of those
hats. Don't you think they will last
him a long time and save money:
Mr.. F'lorrwalker. where are the
gloves? Gentlpmpn's? Well. ! hope
he In. Why. he ia my husband. Oh. |
see what you mean: Yes. ! want them
for MIR John Vincent Harris. tTo
glove salesnmn., Now. don't ask the
what size | want. Not too large and
not too small I should think you
would learn some Of the different sizes
80 YOU could tell people. tH"iding
out her hand, It's lots larger than
that. You think | wear a u! Well.
then, you'd better give me u Tor
him. for he can hold both my hands IN
one ., his. Are these special sale!
Isn't - cents cheap for all that KID:
Mine cost s. so. I don't think he
will want more than two or three
pairs Now for the hose.
lin the women's hosiery Department.
Are you busy: | have So many other
things to get. please hurry. just
p..nt to know where the other KIND or
hose are. It's for my husband. Thank
you. ,Ai the mems hosiery counterJ
I want to get u hose not Ike these.
hut The size: Oh about fifty feet.
Why. OF course. ! want II longer than
a man l-you don't understand.
1t isn't this kind want No. nor la
dies either ! just want hose we
can both use. MIR. Floorwalker may
] speak to you!
"Thnt clerk isn't q bit nice. and !
think you ought 10 punish him. No.
be wasn't exactly impudent. but he
was too busy to answer my questions.
Thank you | have had No much trOu-
bile to find the right kind Of hose. !
want long no. I've been 10 that coun-
ter. want one fifty feet long. You
see, we ure thinking OF moving to the
country In the spring. and we shall
want to water the yard Oh. ought
to have asked for the common garden
variety?
Now ] think | have everything on
my list except cigars. and | may as
we'll 20 to cheaper place for them
because John Vincent Harris always
gives away all that ! buy for him. he
Is SO generous. Chicago News.
Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1909-12-23

mamma.
This is the Christmas gOOsew
shouted the little boy.
"And the Christmas goOse's Christ
mas tree" said the little girl.
"And the Christmas goose's friendsw
said the little boy.
Yes. and II Is quite true. papa"
said the little girl "A Christmas
goose Is the best thing there Is! Why,
Gu, stmas goose Is just lots Of fun"
'Y"s. mamma" said the little boy,
n Christmas goose IL the best fun OF
All
Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1909-12-23

girls Soon every bough on the great
tree b,ossomed with little lights Some
Of the flames we're faint. but many
were bright. When the little white
candles were lighted the cross one
Just sputtered minute and then
went out. The other shOne so brightly
that a gentleman standing near said:
"Oh. what brilliant candle. But 1t
is almost out Of sight among the green
branches. We ought to put 1t where
il can be seen better"
"Put II on the very tiptop," said a
little lady.
And that Is where they did put IT
on the very tiptop Of the tree, where
1t nodded and CLEANED In answer to
the smiling faces around 1t.
Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1909-12-23
The BARRIERS Joke.

Christmas morning and the barber
very busy.
I'D rather shave ten Germans than
one American"
The rubicund brewer In the chair
smiled broadly through the lather.
"Goot," he chuckled. dot vos
right! But vyT
The barber took a tirmer hold upon
his victims nose as he replied:
"Ten Germans pay me u dollar and
a half-One American only ID cents"
And you could have heard the Their.
mOmeter drop.
Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1909-12-23
The Sensitive Press Humorist.

at makes a press hun,orist mad
when he secs one Of his jokes attriD-
uted to some one else"
II judge So
And 1t doesn't seem to please him
any better to see one of his rvaI's
jokes attributed to him."-kansas City
Journal
Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1909-12-23
Naviaators' Date Line.

The intprnatio date line Ia an IT.
regular line drawn arbitrarily Oh the
map of the Pacific ocean near the one
hundred and pightieth meridian Of lon
gitude. marking the place where nav.
igators change their date on the trans
pacific voyage. This change is neces-
sary on account Of the frightening OF
one hour for every fifteen degrees Of
travel westward. BY travelling east
ward "a day will be gained. westward
q day will be lost.-New York Ameri-
can.
Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1909-12-23

PUTTING TIE WREATH old. fat hen
on THE GOOSE. shook her head,
They mel II big. old. fat guinea hen.
"Are you the christmas goose" ask
ed the little boy.
The big. Old fat guinea hen shook
her head.
They met n big. old. fat white goose.
Are you the Christmas goose!" ask
I'd the little girl.
And the big. old. fat white goose
nodded her head and tiutfed her feath-
ers and stepped proudly with her fiat.
yellow. webDed feet.
"Ch gocdy" shouted the little boy.
We've found our Christmas goose al
ready"
"Oh. oh. oh! know something"
said the little girl. and she ran to the
house just as fast us she could 60.
Aud when she came back she had q
lovely little holly wreath tied with
beautiful long red and green ribbons.
They put the wreath over the head
Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1909-12-23
Her LOGIC.

A United States senator IN one of his
campaigns told this story to illustrate
the logic of nm opponent: Did you ever
hear about the young woman in Fort
Dodge? One spring morning she sat
on the piazza of her pretty little home
sewing Il button on her husbands coat.
The husband himself appeared. and
she said fretfnlly: IFS perfect
shame the careless way the tailor sew
ed this button on. This is the fifth
time I've had 10 sew it on again for
YOU"
Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1909-12-23
the BRIDES FIRST
CHRISTMAS.

- RRs. JOHN VINCENT HAIR
WI RlS entered the big depart
10 ment store and seated her
self at the nearest counter.
mo, nothing. thank you." she said to
the solicitous clerk. Il just want to
make sure | have my list with me. 1t
Is 10 difficult to shop at this time OF
the year, and 1t IL always difficult to
find anything for one's-husband. Yes,
l suppose many people did their shop
ping earlier. but ! didn't have him
then. / mean
why. you sell neckties, don't you?
How fortunate! They are on my list.
No. ] don't think Of any particular
kind. but something for a tall man.
He Is a whole head taller than You
say a fourth -hand? Oh. ! am afraid
he couldn't tie that. but you might
give me u two-in-h hand. Thank you;
that Is very pretty. but it is blue. He
doesn't like blue. OF course you
couldn't know that. Not that one
Why. my papa wears them. and he IL
lots older. Yes. that one will do.
mir. Floorwalker. where are the COL
lars? Thank you. (She approaches
the counterJ You. please-are you
Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1909-12-23
His Awful Mistake.

MIR. Npwrich-l understand the or.
chestra ia to play one OF Doorknob's
compositions tonight. Mrs. Oldstock-
Doorknob? Doorknob! All. l suppose
you mean Handel!-Ch Chicago News.
Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1909-12-23
POPCORN!

Tf Santa Claus has cOrns the same
as grandpa" said a wee girl the other
day. Il hnk he'd be- 'fruid to com"
down the chimney over hot ire fo'
fear bis corns would pop"
Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1909-12-23

wa 10 anu uiAa
tens and started
off for the barn
yard.
They met a
big. Id. ia t
duck.
Are you the
c b r Is I III a 3
goose?" a s k e d
the little girl.
The big. old.
fat duck shook
her head.
They met a
big, old. fat hen.
Are you the
G h Is I m a 8
gooSe?" "A s L e d
the little boy.
But the big,
Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1909-12-23
SURE Siun.

1t Is one sign OF age when -FOUR
friends In looking around for Christ
mas present for you search for some.
thing that Is useful. --Atchison Globe.
Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1909-12-23
No Jewish luiIabies.

1t is remarkable that. nOtwithstand-
ing the love and devotion Of Jewish
mother. there seems to be no trace Of
Q real Jewish lullaby. Those known
are Of a recent origin. = American He
brew
Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1909-12-23
He Dared,

Mother How dardd you let him kiss
you! Daughter Il didn't. mamma. |
told him that II he kissed me he'd
have to do 1t without my consent Elk.
change.
Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1909-12-23

friends to come
and see our beau
tiful tree"
So the little
girl picked up
her ribbon. and
the little boy
picked up his rib
bon. and they led
and drove the
Christmas goose
back to the harm
yard. But it was
hard work, for
the Christ ma
goose wanted to
turn her head all
the time to look
ut the Christmas
tree. At the barn
yard all the
l,s,.I,nn, and oil
Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1909-12-23

CHRISTMAS GOOSE.
trees grow
I'VE must have Il Christmas tree for
our Christmas goose" said the little
girl.
Eyes. yes, Christmas goose" said the
little boy. You wait right here for us.
Don't you muss your holly wreath,
and don't you muss your ribbons"
The proud Christmas goose waddled
gently to show how careful she would
be- The little boy and the little girl
ran away fast to get the things for the
Christmas tree.
The little girl brought back some
ears Of red and yellow corn and Il
bunch Of wheat and barley heads and
a pockelful of oats.
The little boy brought back two cab
bayes and II yellow pumpkin and some
grain The Christmas goose became
SO excited when she saw these things
that she waddled too fast.
wait minute. Christmas goose!'
cried the little boy. and hr placed his
things Oh he ground near the tree.
1T isn't quite time. Christmas
goose" cried the little girl. and she
fastened her things on the tree.
Nov. Christmas goose. said the IT.
tie girl. 1--WE will go and invite all your
Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1909-12-23
Embracing View.

"What do you think of the view
from the hotel eranda?"
Magnificent. | can see four heir
esses right from where sit" Pitts
burg Post,
Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1909-12-23
Her Gamble.

did you ever gamble. ma? ~
''Only once. my SON..
"And when was that?"
"when married your father
Princeton Gazette.
Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1909-12-23
CHRISTMAS and
The White GOOSE
BY ELLA M. PLATT.

copyright, 1909, by American Press Asso-
citation.
"HE little boy and the little girl
sat at the breakfast table eat
Ing oatmeal and milk,
Their papa said to their NAM
ma: "A Christmas goose Is the best
thing there Is. This year we must
have u Christmas goose"
The little girl looked UP at the little
boy and smiled. and the little boy
smiled back.
After breakfast the little girl and
the little boy put on their caps and
Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1909-12-23
The Christmas Manner.

In France may be almost universally
seen representations Of the manager In
which Christ was born. with figures of
Mary. Joseph and the child Jesus, and
cattle feeding near by.
Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1909-12-23

OF the Christmas
goose. and each
held one Of the
rib bon ). The
Christmas goose
wadthtd al 10 II z
proudly.
The gum "a
hens piped. the
ducks quacked
and the hens
clucked W h e II
they saw this
fine sight.
The little boy
and the little girl
led and drove
the proud Christ
mas goose out Of
the barnyard to
the green grove
where all the lit
tie Christmas
Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1909-12-23

For its bl0s?oras bright are small
candles white,
And its fruit is dolls and toys,
And they all are free for both you
and me
If we're good little girls and boys.
Pine Bluff daily graphic., 1909-01-14
aanaa and Their Places.

It was colioquy at north sid' butchers shop. "Oh," said the llttis woman, that's an awful big bone fl that small steak. I don't like to iiays to pay for all bone
 "Yes'm,' said the butcher politely out with touch of Irony in his an swer, that do seem to be q good de-, of bone, lut the animals what's cor in to this market now seems to ha5 more or less bone In, 'en. And rea, , as animals ia built now I don't see hay they can get along without bones
 "Fhat nay all be true" said the T. tle woman. nnd there was a wick. twinkle in her eye, but this morning 5eund good sized bone ir the s&n sage, and 1 leave 1t to you. honest nov don't you think that Is going little to tar?'
 And the butcher could not say word in reply s.-1ndianapolls News.
Pine Bluff daily graphic., 1909-01-14
The Euzzard In Fiisht,

There can be no doubt that the bi12 sard is tho living aeroplane in perfe.. aon It cannot sal against the w'nt except as other birds do-by sheer pofi CT of moving wings-but 1t can sail q amazing speed before the wind, ! right angles to the wind and can aai within few points of the wind.
 When there Is no wind its flight 1: clumsy--Vot much of an improvemer on the flying of hen. Authors art wont to describe the buzzard as sail ing !n the sky on days when tht eartl, perspires beneath sultvy. stil atmosphere But it will also be re membered that these authors iuyari ably describe the buZzard as hein: "a speck ln the hrassy heavens As 7 matter of fact, that Is just the poin of the buzzard's aerial knowledge When there Is DO breeze close to tint earth 1t is always to be observed roost ing in tree or flying laboriously intt tho zenith until 1t fnds an upper cur rent where 1t can navigate without ln bor--Eew York Times.
Pine Bluff daily graphic., 1909-01-14
9heeidan's Doub,e Marrlapa,

It was In 1857 that the Gretna Green marriages were made Illegal X glance at It's registers may yet inspire the novelist of the future. One entry Wil3 be sure to puzzle. Twice within few days occurs the record of tue Mariia ,,e of Richard Brinsley Sheridan to Nils: Grant. There was only one R. IS. <. only one bride for the same gentleman The double entries ara not tbe result of any blundcr on the part of tue Rev Mfr. Vulcan The parties were reaII, twice married at Gretna Green ArriN ing on q Sunday they were duly wed ded, and sped away to Edinburgt There, however, Sheridan chanced te
 lance at a newspaper in which ap
 eared the lucubrations of q lawyet these plainly stated was the fac; hat no contract executed on Sunda, a binding. Clearly, then. their wed ding was net legal Back to Gretnf Green they scurried, to be remarrips on week day and leave the dual rer ord fo perpiex later generations o' sympathetic snarchers of the records ~ gt. James, Gazette
Pine Bluff daily graphic., 1909-01-14
Acekino the Wary Trout.

Trout when hungry usually face dks '09frent. This fact should be remem lsered when approaching n bridge oi -odcy where the "speckied beauties love yao hide" If possible. such spots should Sse approached upstream. II may take 6 little more time to go around and odane back up. but make haste slow
 SS Ia said to be the first axiom ot srout fishing. As the stream become warmer. the trout seek the cool pooE Gnd shaded places. They are to =bt &ound where q cold spring bubbles l.. Into the stream or where n mountaiI ereek enters. Often number freqJIru4
 Ne same haunt, Each additional tisi
 aeans two more eyes to watch for tIn
 i7hernan One trout Is all that Is ne.
 tssary to give a danger signal h.
 tsrting away. The rest immediatel,
 bllow suit. To catch more than one e@ even that, In such place tai.ns SKill in the use of the line. But Wh asns said that trout fishing is uot at Grt3--Circle Magazine
Pine Bluff daily graphic., 1909-01-14
Our Pyamy Ancestors.

The armor of the knights of the m.d tile ages Is too small for their modes. Descendants. Hamilton Smith recor.l. that two EnGllshmen Of average C s@ensions found TO suit large enouas to ft either of them in the great co laaction of Sir Samuel Meyrick. Tn. Vnaad Of the oriental saber will not ad Dft the English hand nor the bracelet aDe the Kafiir warrior the English arm the swords found in Roman tumul have handles inconveniently small, and a1Ae great medieval two handed sword sA now supposed to have been used ssniy for one or two blows at the first unset and then exchanged for a small esr ono. Tho statements made by Ho s1er, Aristotle and vltruvius represen, sxtx feet ..s high standard for full grown men. and tho trrefutabie eyi s1ence of the ancient doorways. bed .ateads and tombs proves tho average sss1e of the race certainly not to havf diminished in modern days.--Londor sHosp!tal
Pine Bluff daily graphic., 1909-01-14
Great Mus;e;ao's Eocentr;e;ti...

Dolls were the idols. after his. be esoved instruments, of Domenico Ora .Gonetti, the king of the double bass He had huge collection of these pup soets dressed in various national cos ,gnmes. md wherever Dragonett1 weH t&he dolls were sure to so. That wa, only one of this eccentric genius pecHl 4arities. He would never play unles, his dog we're in the orchestra. and n@ body would have got a note ont C aatm unlese he Lad been permitted { esit fin the crchcsra next to the sta &.eor. This was a pcteaution to cnab. i21n 10 save hi, wecderful tnstrJas9 Gn case of fire. 1he instrument tt:e. hs brGH&h! fya'a the monastery Qf s. Pietro when en 2 visit to YineeHza aa. when he 0ied he bequeathod II te @ Marks. Venice. to be aSed at soIcaa services. --Lordaa stapd1rd
Pine Bluff daily graphic., 1909-01-14
Eia Jumps hy Rabbits.

How fast do hareS and rabbits run Perhaps you have wondered while ou Eunning and watched the elusive apI mals speeding away. According to J c. Mlllais. the length of a hare's strid, Is about four feet. while that of Il ral, bit is about two feet. Under cond4 tons of fear the hare Is said to leal ten to twelve feet. some authoritie' claiming that II can jump ditches ter to twenty-five feet In width. A hare can jump upward perpend,cularly flvt feet. Rabbits can make leaps of six ol seven feet horizontally, but cannot jump higher than three feet. WheI compelled to do so, 1t Is said, rabbit can swim ns we'll as dogs.-Philade' phia North American.
Pine Bluff daily graphic., 1909-01-14
A Oneer Eninctrienrn.

While a serial story @as rHnntHG
 q certain magazine lady in Johanrae Gurg wrote to the publisher esi.ta whether Christian Lys tthe authof", mom de plulne} was assumed or ut ghe herself was Mrs, l ys, who W. Grying to trace an ancestor of her l,}t Husband. who was descendant . ,yoan of Arc Mir. Brebner. the auth 4n question, wrote assuring her tbs his pen name was family one. hi Gorbears having come from Aberdce1. Strangely enough. 1t came out that hc family came also from Aberdeen an, eheir name was Brebner.-~Pall Ma sGSazeftp
Pine Bluff daily graphic., 1909-01-14
On the Wooxy Mississippi,

A hunlorst has saia ''thc Misslssip pi river is so crooked in places that \ steamer going south has been known to meet itself coming north. givin- passing signals ard narrowly escaping a collision w;tu itsef."- .oefros. --- eress.
 They were choosing a name for iis new baby.
 II think Esnleralda !s too sweet said one of thc infants aunts.
 "Alfrcda Is better and more uilnn!i mon," said another
 "Uow would Alvtna lo?" asked third.
 Hardly" said the fond father 'Y;, seem to be getting away from the ,'.' that this ;s a baby and not fl new l''s of cigar I.ondon Graphic
Pine Bluff daily graphic., 1909-01-14
PiIorirns ard puritana

The pilgrims, or. as they are oftc, called, the pilgrim fathers" wer the seventy-four men and the twenty eight women. members of the Johi Robinson's church, who sailed in t'a Mayfiower from Leyden to Nort' America and landed at Plymouth Roea where they founded s colony Dec. 2, IG20. The PuritanS were tue Erglia' ,sAonconformists who came over later s(szss name being given to them on a1 recent of their supposed great puvit, GG doctrine, life and discipline.-- NeN YesA American.
Pine Bluff daily graphic., 1909-01-14
innidentai Music.

One afternoon couple from an ad Joining town presented themselves to { Boston divine and asked to be mar rieti just as he was about to enter tn pulpit to coDduct au afternoon service The minister replied that he. regrette.i that he could not at that moment com piy with their wish, but that imIneGi ately upon the conclusion of the serv lee he would take pleasure In perform Ing the ceremony. The lovers after demurrin@ seated themselves 'n the rear of tiie church. When the ministet had finished the service he made tl following announcement: The parti@s who are to be joined iu matrimont will present themselves at the chance immediately after the singing of hynn al5, Mistaken Souls That Dream O. Heaven" Exchange.
Pine Bluff daily graphic., 1909-01-14
Points Of Law.

T objec: to that question, your hon srr' exclaimed the attorney for the dc fendaut.
 "On the ground that IL Is ,mpersi nent, Immaterial and irrelevant. pro. sume?''
 "OnIy the first, your honor It's ac tually lnipudent. Why, an answer to that question would give my client dead away
 Naturally so delicate point had to be taken under advisement --Philadel phia Ledger.
Pine Bluff daily graphic., 1909-01-14
Cochineat.

(Cochsneal, so much used for colorine fSable tellies and also given to infants &s domestic remedy for whooping Sough, Is the whole Insect of class ,eAiled coccus, but only the females are z used. Whyf Because the insee ls ar, F captured by suffocahng them with the xiwaoke of frey below the trees on whct they live, and AS the males have wings while the females have none. the geu Uemen take to flight when the atTnos phere becomes unpleasantly warra aeaving their ladies to their fate.
Pine Bluff daily graphic., 1909-01-14
4 Rriqht Bird.

The cuckoo Is as likely to steal irs nest as to make it. but this fact does not take from the point of the follow tng pun. quoted from Short Stories:
 young Enslishman being asked Al dinner whether he would have some birds nest pudding. said. turning to bis hostess: "Ah. yes. Bird's nest pud ding. and what kind of bird may have made it?''
 "Oh, it was the cook who made 1t, was her prompt reply.
Pine Bluff daily graphic., 1909-01-14
Racine Done

"Charies, dear,' said young Mrs. Tor kins. "why do you call racing calcula- tons dope?' I thought that was q slang name for q drug.''
 "You're quite right" was the answer. "They call it that because all 1t gen. erally gets you is a pleasant dream and a rude awakening."-Washlngton Star.
Pine Bluff daily graphic., 1909-01-14
Warnings.

Mrs. Stubb-I notice so many mar G1ed men save the receipted milline, -isills. What use do they make of thNm .Mr. Stubb-Charity Mrs. Stubb 'har Gtyf MT. stubb- Yes; they srr sent around to the bachelor clubs t0 warli any reckless member who ms.sht he thinking about plunging into the qes m& matrimony Chicago News
Pine Bluff daily graphic., 1909-01-14
Out For the Dust.

Eva--Have you decided to accept the young man. katharine2 Katharine No. At present look upon him mere. as pack of cards. Eva --A pack of cardsf Katharine Yes If he has thS long green 1 shall make Il deal Eva And if he has not? Kathnrina~~Then shall cut him.-Chicago News.