The Birmingham age-herald., 1909-04-19
<XUyOT dye think about this new
 w tariff?a asked the House De
teotive of the ST. Reckless

House Detective.
 'Its the only proper answer I can give you after spending several hours in study of that immortal documente said the Hotel Clerk Alongside of AIr Serene E. Paynes eTowning life work, jig saws become almoH easy, while studying out condensed tlme table is mere child's play. You ought to get copy from the government printer and take 1t home and read it instead of wasting your evenings on pinochle and talking to your family. There's only 234 closely printed pages Of it, and it'll grip your attention as no Pronouncing Glossary could. Besides ev- cry hour or so you'll come to something that you can almost understand what it's driving at. As a popular writer who can hold the readers interest, I consider that MT, Payne has no equal in thls coun- try now that the author of Two Thou sand Greek Roots and Their Derlvations' has passed on"
 Well. l know this much said the House Detective The poor man will keep right on gettin' the worst of it, same as he always has"
 ',rhe point is still open to argument in my mind" said the Hotel Clerk. i've been thinking for quite a spell that we had the poor man skinned down so close in this country that the only way to take anything more away from him was with surgical operation. His teeth are about all he's got left, and if chuck steak and bakers bread go up a little higher he won't be needing them much longer. If the statesmen who framed up our new tariff bill for us could figure out any feasible plan for lancing the working man
 in a fresh place, my hats of to 'em. It shows they're close observers, anyhow.
 What if the tax on stockings and tea and spool cotton and some other things like that is going to be jacked Up a few notches? The ad valorem per centum on chromium sledal and ferromanganese is no higher, if as high. I saw it myself in paragraph S7o4 of the Payne Bill, Schedule J. And listen here, not only chromium medal and ferromanganese, but also fer romolybdenum, tantalum and wolfram. They're all to be put within the reach of the humblest consumer.
 Tt may be that the children will go without stockings But weren't they born barefooted? That MT. Payne's great one for showing us how to get back to nature. The Misss will find cambric tea an agreeable substitute no doubt, for the Oolong she's been accustomed to drinking, providing, of course, nobody sneaks across joker raising the tariff on canbric. When we've quit using spool cotton somebody will show us how to sew up shirt with liquid glue.
 And so. with ferromanganese down so low that any housekeeper can lay in the,r entire winters supply at only fifteen per centum ad vaorem, whatever that Is, can't understand why anybody should complain And then look at the ferromo- lybdenum and the ferrotitanium-both down where you can have plenty or them about the house at all times. keep em in the bread box-it'll be empty, like as not"
 .sWot Is this Ferry Molly Bendum any way?" asked the House Detective.
 Don't show your ignorance if you want to discuss the tariff with me, said the Hotel Clerk. "I'll tell you what It's Ike. It's something like the rhododendron only the color varies In some cases and some thing like the minimum, except larger. Now. the next time anybody should ask YOU about 1t you'll know, won't you? And don't interrupt. 1 was about to say that, no matter what else happens, our vested Interests are going to be well protected and that's a great consolation, or snouio be. Why should I worry about the con dition of the guy who has no undersh1ft when I reflect that the Vested Interests can all have fancy vests if they want em instead of struggling along with those plain white pique ones?'
 of the Dimmycrats wuz In office 't wouldn't be that way" ventureo the House Detective.
 T don't know" said the Hotel Clerk From where sit in the peanut gallery, it looks to me as if nearly every Demo cratic member, while willing and anxious to hew down the tariff on articles pro duced in the enemy's country, has a few trif1ng little industries in his own dis trict that must have protection or else he'll burst away from the reservation with his war paint on and be dog-soi- dier And the Republicans feel the same way in regard to certain things that are nroduoed in sections where the people don't know any better than to vote Tor Bryan about once in so often. Both sides seem to concede that the tariffs a local tssua and should be treated by local ap-. nlIeation, only each side wants 10 DICK out the localities. The trouble seems to be tbat all the Infant Industries that we used to hear so much about when James c. Blaine was alive have grown up ana raised large, hungry families, ana now have relatives scattered all over the eoun- try" s .A
 ,aThe rich keep gittin richer and the noor keep gittin' poorer" bemoaned the nessimistic House Detective. T wonder where it'll end?''
 Don't worry too hord.' said the Hotel Clerk. "I figure it'll be some little nme before the population at large VIII pc ask- ing the street car conductors to transfer ,an, to the line that runs by the county noor house. What saves the likes or us' I .arrv ia that when a man gets toSetner . hig chunk of money that he's taken awav from the common herd, somepooy alse nearly always comes along ana taxes if away from him and pretty soon II hack in circulation again With eVerypooy taking his peck at it.
 "I remember there used to De suoh d case in the town where was raised. tIa was the president of the bank and ,,a ran inc establishment on the same iines that govern some of these old Blue law towns tip in New England, Where -heing a stranger Is punishable py ether fine o, Imprisonment, or both. He nao the first dollar he'd ever seen. It was no doubt all oxydlzed and rusty ifoni ha;,,s c,utched so long in the same hand, s,,t ,a still had it. He also hId the larg- sst honse in town.-~It was one of those ,,is 'nplv square ones with fiuted col ,,,,,,s The local architect who built It so,. him called it late Italian renaissance h,,+ now I know that 1t was really early North ( (,erman- Lloyd. His front gate was al ma rked up with the Hobo's warning, n,,+ there by Frlnged Finnigans to tell atha,. hrothers that anybody who asked enr cold bite at that house would cer- tai,Iv set it-unless he could outrun tne dog.
 ..It wasn't such big town. Trans ran .tbsre, but not often. We were simple nastoral people, given to such aliiuse- r,ants as strawberry festivals on the bap- tist church lawn. In summer anu @ wanu dru,s hv the Girls's High School Class ,A. r,a...r I1ei,sa In the winter. l re-