The Birmingham age-herald., 1909-06-27

college professors appears to
 4 have set in earlier than usual, said the Hotel Clerk of the St. Recb- less. Some of them are very wide open indeed. You can look right down 'em and see their upholsterings'
 You've got an awful mind for jibin and goin' about without no previous warnin'," said the House Detective ''Wot's started you off on that tack?'
 '1've been reading the papers, said the Hotel Clerk. "Vacation has come and many of our most prominent educators have erawled out of their respective cracks in the campus sidewalks to re- leve their systems of great surgng thoughts that have been accommodating there until these worthy gentlemen were sizzling like soda water fountains.
 Commencement offers the opportunity they seem to crave. Before them stretches an assemblage whose name as the poet says, is Legion-Papa and Mamma Le- zion, and Uncle Legion and Cousin Le- zion from over at Lehigh, and the twins and Master Herman Legion aged g. and sometimes little baby Clara Louise Legion in arms, and up on the plat form Howard, Strothermore Legion, val edictorian of the class of 1909, with his chest full of oratory and great rush proud 1leSn to the Heau-luS WiiOic blamed Legion family in fact, accompan- fed by friends well wishers and then 1t Is that the president of the university cuts loose and does something foolish.
 That's the way it's been allShis merry month of June. First off, some foreign thought-moulder on the other side with forehead running all the way up to the ventilator in his hat emerged from 8 hole in the wainscoting, all aquiver with the quaint idea that we'd be healthier, happier race if we'd turn cannibal and eat one another. Considered in some lights the idea is not unattractive, Larry Eating some people l know would only be in the nature of abating @ nuisance and I think maybe I'd take this non resident gents kindly suggestions for suitable summer diet, and eat few of them only for one thing. I know they wouldn't agree with me. They never have. That's one of the reasons I'd been tempted to bite into them clear to the core long before this foreign sa- want even suggested such thing
 Well hardly had most prominent meat-eaters picked out the person they would begin on as soon as the new menu had been generally adopted, except in the vegetarian restaurants, when our at tention was distracted by Prof. David Starr Jordan of California. You've heard of Jordans Stormy Banks, haven't you? We'll this is the man that made em famous. Professor Jordan stood up on his Stormy Banks before graduating class or something and announced that as far as he could see the French were a decadent race and the less said about them in the presence of the children, the better. Balloon ascensions started im- mediately all over the country. One French gentlemena who happened to be in the audience stood up and gave Pro- lessor Jordan the chautauqua salute with the reverse billiards on 1t, and called him Qn nd spoke of him as a depraved conspuez, liar and several kinds of sacred cattle. mainly swine Then he dashed his hat upon the floor and danced a few steps on it, of dance that Cleo de Merode first made popular, following which he broke his umbrella across his knee, gnashed his teeth until it sounded like somebody washing dishes by machinery in a quick lunch. removed his collar and necktie with delft gesture and hung them over a chandelier 40 feet away, snatched the bosom out of his shirt to see If the straw berry mark was still there. and ripped his frock coat up the back from the crupper to the names. After which he came away with the foam dripping from his jaws and green light in his eyes, and snapping to the right and the left as he went along and otherwise acting In such a way as to influence them to begin removing the women and children to a place of safety. But outside of that the French gentleman was perfectly calm and collected.
 Tt was very shortly after this that Professor Jordan began to note what large, active French population we had in this country and how remarkable few deaf mutes there were among them. At last reports he was three weeks be- hind with his explanations, although working night tricks with a double shift. and he'd entirely given up the idea of l.4 ft@xx fxx fl.- af France.
 After this we were regaled for few brief yet pleasant moments by President Woodrow Wilson. You know him, Larry? Wilson, that's all. And that's enough. 'Tis the same Wilson who's so ofter been mentioned-by re- publicans-as @ suitable democratic candidate for President of the United States. But up until this time he's seen his way clear to remain at Princeton, N. J., and running the large gents interior furnishing goods store that's located there, at the sign of the Raw Tiger.
 Here the other week he went over to Philadelphia or somewhere and made a speech. He got up and fixed his tie and said ahem couple of times, the same as all regular speak CTS, and reached one hand back up un- der his coat tails and grabbed himself firmly py the strdp on HIS vest to keep from soaring too far, this being intended merely for short flight and not one of those two-hour, blue-em- pyrean Wilbur and Orvilles; and then he said that the colleges of this counA try would either have to adapt them selves to new conditions or else go out of business altogether.
 "I guess he was right at that. It seems to me there's a lot of improve ments that ought to be grafted into our larger universities right away. Some of arn r6 ~e~ard as being a1- most as atcaafer5 the slide trom- bone in a eolorod band; and that's the most unnecessary ing there is. For example. row n 20 ms to me there ought tc ta tlaiea elementary and advanced searf1tV eated. How very few of oar ea1ee elars there are who know th 9 Et oi ting lit up prop erly whao ceiabrs @ football vic-