davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-20

to be ashamed of herself for getting into
such tantrum, and all that humbus
that married men get off when they JUST
know they're dead In the wrong. And he
just held her arms to her sides that way
for a quarter Of an hour and he had the
nerve to tell her that she should have
told him about having seen that show be-
fore so that he wouldn't have bought the
tickets for it-iust like all these men,
crazy to make slaves Of their wives!
We'll. when she was so tired Of being
held that way that she couldn't stand up,
he let her into a chair, and then he went
on and finished his dressing. and instead
of staying home and comforting the poor.
dear thing after the brutal way he mad
treated her, didn't he put on his coat and
hat and go right down to the theater and
take In the show that he had bought the
tickets for! Yes, indeedy. he did. and
he left her alone in the apartment to
weep out her poor bruised heart AND
he's a great one to talk about another
man beating his wife. isn't he. the f1end!
Put don't you imagine. my dear. that
Giddap is the only wolf In sleeps cloth
ing in this place, my dear, for the house
is simply full of EN-! Take that Dubba-
long man in the top apartment. The wash
woman told me all about his carrying on.
and what the washwoman didn't tell me
the ianitor's wife knew all about. and be-
tween the two reports it's one Of the most
sorrowful stories I ever heard, deed. 1t is.
Dubbalong treats his wife like dog. The
way he acted the other day over the sill
Hest little trifle ought to land him In the
Eastern branch jail. deed. it had.
TT seems that all of the Duhbalong saw
ings go into the bank in Mrs. Dubbalongs
name. Well. Dubbalong came home the
other evening with some cock and bull
story about a piece of ground out near
Chevy Chase that he wanted to buy for
an investment. He had seen the lot. he
told her. and It was a bargain. and he
wanted to make the first payment on the
lot right away. and so he told her that
he wanted her to draw 500 out Of the
bank on the next day. She told him. OF
course, that she didn't take any. stock
in his Judgment of investments. and she
refused. of course. as she had a perfect
right to, to draw one cent out OF the bank
for any such q purpose. Then the ruff1an
reminded her that the money in the bank
was his money, and that he had deposited
the money in the bank in her name only
TO keep peace in the family. and a whole
lot of similar insults, and then he told
her that shed draw out the 5000 on the
next day and give 1t to him to pay the
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-20

take it that participation in the row was
not SO fine.
1t is safe to say that for a while last
Wednesday afternoon there wasn't a
member of the House who would have bet
copper cent OF the possibility of Senator
Knox being eligible for the job of post
master at Podunk- on-the-Pike.
And just think who discovered-for pub
lie use-the bombshell in the legislative
bill No other on your life. than Cen j.
McSnort Keifer of Ohio, that old war
horse who wears dress suits in the day
time and bemoans the fact that almost
one-third of human life is wasted In the
highly unnecessary and unattractive state
of slumber. IT'S said, and with truth in
all probability. that Speaker Cannon and
one or two other high and mighties in
the House knew that the legislative bill
carried an appropriation of $4,000 for
the fiscal year 1910 IT'S even said a hur-
ried conference was called to consider
this question Tuesday. and that 1t was
decided to let sleeping dogs lie. There
seemed to be an opinion at that time held
by men who are pretty familiar with par
liamentary law that although the legis-
lative bill carried the $4,000 in question
that Senator Knox as Secretary OF State
under the eligibility bill passed several
days previously by both houses.
Now, however. these same men who
are said to have been willing to let the
$12. 600 slide on the principle that the man
who goes around hunting trouble is pretty
sure to find more than he wants are glad
that it didn't happen that way. Incidental
ly the comment is made that this whole
business of making Senator Knox eligible
for the job of Secretary Of State has been
wonderfully and woefully mismanaged.
Last Wednesday / saw a distinguished
member of the House sitting at the head
of the table in his committee room sweat
ing and groaning.
oh said he when I blew in the door,
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-20

don't apply the rules of common sense to
their solution. OF course you can't eX-
pect to work out puzzle If at the same
time your mind is dwelling upon the
maybe poetry of a woman prodigy, or II
you're thinking of the bargain counter
white sale tomorrow. If you get your
mind to work on 1t in a concentrated
way for about two minutes, why, any
old puzzle that ever was pulled on the
public can be solved as easy as rolling
off a log
We'll. / think l could roll off a log a
lot more easily" said Mrs. Jobson, start
ing TO tuck the puzzle away in the bot
tom of her work basket. Anyhow, 1
give it up"
''Oh. you're giving it up, hey?' said Mr..
Jobson. That's like d woman, too Let
ting herself be beat out by some silly
little gewgaw of a puzzle that any baby
with women is that there isn't Is cents
worth of determination in the makeup
of nine million of 'em. Now, a man
wouldn't put a so-called puzzle like that
away until he'd mastered the trick of 1t.
He'd beat it out or know the reason
why"
Mrs Jobson, after having slowed the
puzzle out of sight. tried to switch the
subject, for she had begun to have some
premonitions. But Mr.. Jobson wasn't to
be switched.
Lets see that infantile thing" he said
to her. Il s'pose the solution is SO obvi-
Gus that it's idiotic Hand it over here. ;"
So Mrs. Jobson passed the little me-
tallic box over to Mr.. Jobson.
Huh said Mr.. Jobson, after glancing
at the puzzle. This is simply another
edition of that old fifteen-fourteen Chi
nese puzzle that was going around about
twenty years ago. That was supposed
at the time to be all kinds of hard gag
to work out but / recall that did 1t the
very first time I tackled it. Merely some
little catch or twist or kink about con-
traptons of this kind that has only to be
discovered by a little thinking. and then
the solution is as simple as daylight"
Please don't get too much interested
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-20

contained lot of numbers on metal
blocks strung on wires and the solution
Of the thing consisted in arranging the
numbers in the box so that they'd read
consecutively.
Mrs. Jobson bent over the puzzle box
and tfnkered with the unmanageable num-
bers for while. without, however. COM
ing anywhere near getting the answer.
Finally Mr.. Jobson. casting down his
paper. glanced over at her.
What is 1t now?" he asked. regarding
the little metal box in her lap Getting
TO your second childhood and playing
with toys?''
Not quite so bad as that" replied Mrs.
Jobson, smiling "A child would have
trouble with this. It's puzzle
ooh. puzzle" said Mr.. Jobson. leaning
back In his chair and twiddling his
thumbs. Some simple little contraption
of course. that u barnyard fowl could do
with q bandage around its eyes and one
foot tied behind its back. Great occupa-
ton for a grown woman, / don't think.
II wish l thought barnyard fowl could
solve it, said Mrs Jobson. agreeably.
IT'S the hardest thing of the kind ever
saw. Really, / believe 1t can't be done
at all
That's highly probable, of course"
grunted Mr.. Jobson. Just like a woman
to say thing like that. There's no such
. thing as q puzzle that can't be done. If
il couldn't be done 1t wouldn't be puz-
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-20

zle 1t would be a fraud. Moreover. If it
couldn't be done. the fellow inventing 1T
couldn't get a patent on It, the patent
office wouldn't grant a patent on an I'M
well. it certainly stumps me-" said
Mrs Jobson. II worked on it for quite
while this afternoon, but | only sue
ceeded in messing the numbers up worse
than they were before l got hold of the
puzzle
Sure thing" commented Mr.. Jobson,
amiably. That's one of the cutest little
things you specialize in-messing things
up. Guess that accounts for the bum din
ner today You were devoting all your
luton of ten-cent puzzle
Mrs. JobsOn doesn't make any reply
when Mr.. Jobson alludes to bum dinners.
She has ascertained by experience that
the matter of bum dinners isn't one of the
things that can be argued about with Mr..
JobSon, because when Mr. Jobson pro-
claims that the dinner has been bum, that
settles the matter for all time Mr.. job
son having issued his edict and pronunc "a
mentO to the essence that the dinner was
bum. the thing is forever settled and DIS
posed of.
$50 you've got hold of puzzle that
can't be done. hey?" said Mr.. Jobson,
facetiously, after a pause. Just because
you can't do it. why. of course it cant
be done. / s'pose, on the same principle.
you'd swear that because you couldn't
find Halley's comet with the naked eye
there isn't any such a thing as Haley's
comet? Gorgeous reasoning powers you
possess. just becr Use you never saw one
of those half-ze ra. half-horse things
called okapis. l spose there isn't any
such an animal, hey?"
II wouldn't go quite so far as that"
replied Mrs. Jobson, soothingly. But
this certainly is one difficult puzzle. The
man who invented II must be a genius
Genius nothing" pronounced Mr.. Job
son. offhand. just like that. There isn't
anything puzzly about nine out of ten of
these so-called puzzles They're hard for
some folks merely because some folks
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-20

ing list would be paying the high rates
until their day came along. Under the
plan Of permitting only one self-removal A
day, the hotel would be practically full all
the time and there'd be no question as to
the profit on the investment
"Other rules would refer to more inti-
mate details concerning the suicide him.
self or herself. In registering. each guest
would be required to fill out blank CIV
ing complete data. These data would be
helpful to the bureau of statistics, which
is fond Of compiling figures with respect
to suicides. On his blank each newly ar
irving guest would give, in the spaces
provided. the reasons why he intends to
voluntarily pass out of this sublunary
sphere, with brief statement "a hundred
: words. say of the processes of reason
actuating him to take such a step. Then
there'd be spaces on the blank wherein
the arriving guest could state Just how he
intends to give up the ghost. what he de-
sires to have done with his effects. and
all that sort of thing. Then, before being
shown to his apartments. the newly ar
irving guest could dip into the box and
draw his number. which would give his
day, and thus the thing would have an
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-20

in it." cautioned Mrs. Jobson, In her
pleasant tone I'D hate to have you get
worked up over it so that you'll lose any
part of your nights rest"
"Oh. say, come out of it, replied Mr..
Jobson, grandly I'D like to have a
bird s-eye view of any puzzle that would
cost me one-tenth Of a second Of my
nights rest. Let's see. now. All of these
numbers are right except those on the
bottom string. and they read backward.
Oh. well. it's plain enough. All you've
got to do is to shift the numbers about
on the other strings SO as to get the
bottom numbers in their right order. I'd
beat a fox terrier pup to death that
couldn't see that with half an eye
Yes ventured Mrs. JobsOn: but
when you shift the numbers on the two
other strings. why. you get them all out
Of order and in a perfect tumble. and
them
wait a minute" said Mr.. Jobson, sit
ting up straight in his chair and bending
over the little puzzle box. kindly can thai
chatter for a balf-m1nute or so, Will you?
This thing is a little bit more ingeni-
Gus than most Of the fool things of the
kind that they spring on folks. but if
you'll cut out that chirpiness for brief
and f1eeting spell I'll hand it over to you
inside of couple Of minutes, with all Of
these fussy little numbers all smack
dab in their right places"
Mrs. Jobson canned the chirps' conSe-
quently. and sat and watched Mr.. Job
son pull and tug at the little numbers in
the box.
After about half an hour or SO Mr.
Jobson began to run his hands through
his hair. and to scowl and mutter things
under his breath, and then Mrs Jobson
concluded that it would be about as good
a time for her to go to bed as any.
Mrs. Jobson was in bed about half an
hour later. and when she turned in it
was to the obligato of lot of shorts
and growlings from downstairs, indicat-
ing that Mr.. JobSOn wasn't finding the
puzzle any such a cinch as he had an
ticipated.
Mrs. Jobson, after falling asleep, woke
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-20

ton necessary for the guidance of the
hotel people would be contained on the
blank
There would be an official Of the house
whose business 1t would be to make
proper disposition Of all of the letters and
documents left by the passed ones, as
well as to receive the gentlemen of the
press and give them all the necessary in
formation. This official would be placed
in possession of all necessary facts by the
guest about to cash in. SO that there
would be no chance for distortion of news
of the event. In case the guest about to
quit addressed letters to the newspapers.
as quite a number Of them no doubt
would-it being custom Of these tines
the official I refer to (perhaps you might
term him a press agent would see to it
that copies of these letters were. type
written for each press representative. so
that there'd be no exclusiveness or par
TALLY in the giving out of the details of
such affairs.
AN undertaking establishment fitted
up in the YER; best style, could be located
in some unobtrusive part of the hotel,
the profits of the same. Of course. to
form part Of the revenues OF the hotel
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-20

same sentiments i'm an interview which lie
gave me on that topic. | fear that. re-
<iuced 10 cold type type is always cold
isn't it?1. his talk may seem bit grue-
some. frankly confess, moreover. that
was quite unable 10 determine whether
this humoristic hotel man spoke facetious-
" or was in earnest, for he ia a solemn
Individual even at his funniest. There
have been many suicides in his hotel dur
ing the past few years. His hostelry Is
situated across the street from a railroad
station, and singularly large number
of the suicides occurring here are per-
sons who do away with themselves imrne-
diately after getting off the train. They
take one look at New York. II appears.
and then they want 10 die and do die.
Folks who have II In mind to quit the
game said this widely known Boniface,
whatever that means. ARE entitled to
some consideration They should be pro-
vided with the proper facilities. 1t should
I've made possible for them to do the thing
decently and in order without causing
themselves unnecessary modification or
the hotels unnecessary Inconvenience or
publicity.
Il know from long experience that the
suicides themselves are DESTROYS OF be
Ing considerable. They hate to bring no
toriety upon the hotels in which they re-
move themselves. | know this because
i
persons who killed themselves in hotels
which | conducted. in which they eX-
pressed 10 me their regret over the fact
mat they, no doubt. would be causing
Inconvenience and so on. The notes
which suicides address to hotel managers
in such circumstances always are quite
pIaintive and commercially apologize in
tone. They're sorry 10 cause US bother
and they're decent enough to say SO.
But what else are they To do? High
grade persons who have decided TO COM
nit suicide have natural repugnance TO
killing themselves in parks or shops or
theaterS or other public places They
desire. naturally enough, privacy, de-
cent surroundings, a comfortable en-
vironment for their final hours. They
have affairs TO arrange letters to write.
telephone calls to make, and all that sort
of thing. They desire. in short, to die
like ladies and gentlemen. It is to this
class of trade--namely. the high grade
people who possess a sense of fitness and
order and deicacy-that, In my humble
opinion. the hotel for suicides should
cater Such hotel, conducted in a quiet
neighborhood, could be called the Hotel
Euthanasia, the Hotel de Quit, the Hotel
Shuffie-ON, something else equally
appropriate and descriptive. SO that no
person meditating suicide could possibly
reach the wrong place.
Such a hotel should have a set OF
ironclad rules. and I feel very sure, from
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-20

ambrosia and boiled IN nectar: that their
taste expands the human soul, and that
before using they first must he caught
with a butterfly net
'Tother evening as l tractioned home
ward reasonably and normally hungry L
picked up a paper containing this New
man person S most recent effort and be
gan to read. The print hypnotized me.
Never did car move so slowly. never was
the way so long Finally my corner came
along and / bounced from the veehickle
of the plain people and made running mo-
lions before I hit the ground. Every
nerve in the gastronomic process danced
to a separate tune. I was hollow and
empty and my teeth ached for work. l
ran home. dashed up the steps kicked
open the door and dashed in upon an as
founded family brandishing the paper
and sobbing, from overweight nerves:
"Give me dumplings or give me DEATH
They ought to do something to Newman.
would suggest they take away his pen
and ink and turn him loose in a kitchen.
If he can practice what he breaches l
hope to heaven I'll be there.
r. HE hearings on the sundry civil bill,
which have just been published, ex-
elusive OF the supplemental hearings
make book of 1900 pages. and the bill
itself when reported to the House will
be found to carry more money than any
similar measure in the history OF the
government. Members of the committee
on appropriations are actually becoming
at the size Of the measure and
are thinking Of subdividins it. if it con-
tinues to grow, so that the various esti-
mates included in the great bill can be
considered under several separate heads
and by separate committees Anybody
who is foolish enough to make the gen
eral assertion that members of Congress
do not earn their salaries ought to be
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-20

what I know of suicides, that they'd be
entirely willing to abide cheerfully by
these rules.
lone of these rules. for example. would
be that only one guest should be allowed
to cash in on a given date. This would
prevent confusion and make for the es-
tablishment of method and order. 1t
could be arranged by the holding of draw
ings Each guest could dip INTO box
and pick out marble with a number on
1t, and the number would establish each
guests standing on the waiting list. For
example. the guest picking the number II
would have to wait seventeen days before
taking the trip over the Big Divide. This
system I think. would even result in the
saving of quite a number of valuable lives
The person selecting the number H. hav-
ing seventeen DAYS 20 walt before volun-
tarily quitting the game. would have a
fine chance to think it over. 1t is entire
ly possible that many guests, thus obliged
by the rules Of the house to defer their
affair, might change their minds and con-
clude to go on living. This plan. too
would enable the suicides hotel to make
a pretty fair thing OF 1t. The rates would
be high, of course. and those on the wait
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-20

punished by being made to serve for even
brief time on the appropriations COM
mittee. About this time of the year the
committee. or most of it. works from ~
in the morning to in the evening, and
then, after an hour for dinner, comes
back and grinds away until IL or Il at
night. And this includes Sunday. too.
Also about this time of the year Repre-
sentative Jmpythias TaWney OF Mime
sofa. the chairman of the committee,
wears a fearful and wonderful crouch.
Trying to carry a few million separate
items OF government expense in the
human head would have a tendency to
make most anybody that way.
Nj Tawney. however. feels that he has
some source of consolation this year. His
friends are telling him that President
Roosevelt has been discredited in his at
titude toward the secret service and with
respect to his demand for $3oO.OOO for
special Investigations by the interstate
commerce commission. which was re-
fused by the appropriations committee,
but granted by the House over the heads
OF Mr., Tawney and his colleagues: NOW
It appears that out Of the $4,000 the
commission in the first seven months OF
the year used only $4,000.
Mr. Tawney hopes that his constituents
will see matters In the same light. But
he's not too hopeful.
EORICN AIE lhoeeo were those ioihs
! who occupied the gallery Of the House
of Representatives last Wednesday and
had opportunity to see that distinguished
body turn parliamentary somersauits and
emulate the feats of the late lamented
india rubber man. Never was there such
a delightful mix up-to watch from the
outside. From the glazing eyes and
shredded hair and perspring faces OF the
House leaders, Immediately after the
rumpus had temporarily been quieted, 1
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-20
methodical and satisfactory

orderly and methodical and satisfactory
Start-Off.
The hotel, of course would furnish all
of the appliances, and the preferences OF
the guests as to the methods which they
preferred in their self-removal would be
keenly and studously considered. There
can be reasonable question, I think,
that a person about to commit suicide
should. in the present state of civiliZa-
ton, be entitled to select his own meth
cd. and it would be in conformity with
this humane theory that every imagin-
able sort of self-removlng apparatus
would be provided by the house. On
the day when a certain guest Is due. for
example. to execute his shuffle-off. he
would find ready to his hand, in his
apartment, the means of self-removal
which he had in registering. written
down on the blank. There'd be no talk
about it, Folks who really intend to
commit suicide don't talk about it. any
how The attitude of the hotel folks
would be neutral and silent. Guests
would be forbidden to advert to their
pending affair in conversation with per-
sons connected with the management or
with employees. Every bit of informa-
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-20

alton of these men. isn't it dreadful.
Then he started to change into his even
ing clothes right after dinner. and he
repeated that he meant to see the show
for which he had the tickets. or no show
at all; and then, in her excitement. the
pair of scissors that Mrs. Giddap had in
her hand flew out of her grasp and they
a accidentally travelled toward Glddap' s
and it's too bad they missed him at that,
the stubborn brute.
well. when she saw that Giddap be-
lieved that she had thrown the scissors
at him a-purpose, Mrs. Giddap became
still more excited, and she started to-
ward him, sort of screaming like. and
what do you think the monster did then?
Why. he grabbed ahold of her from be-
hind and held her arms tight to her sides.
holding them there just as If she'd been
tied with ropes ana then he went on tor
turing the poor. abused creatur with
lot of fool-man talk about how she ought