Arizona republican., 1909-03-08
 5 Mr. DooIey on the : Return Of the Fleet
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By F. P. Dunne.

Well, sir" said Mir Dooley, whats Tn American navy comin' to, amy how?"
 Have ye been readin' what tn naval experts have to say?" asked MT. Hen messy.
 Tt isn't that" said MT Dooley. "Iv coorse evrybody knows that tn ships are in tur-rble condition. Tn ammy- milton hists won't hist anything but tn crew. tn guns are as lible to go off firm wan end as tn other, an 'tis a well known fact discovered be a book keeper iv a shoe store who's a naval expert whin business is slack an he has nOthin important to think about that hefure they sailed a school iv mackerel was found firmly imbedded in tn siX-inch armor plate Twas with sad heart that me an me frind tn naavl expert seen tn fleet coalin' up an loadin' with smokless powdher an tWelve-inch shells an sailin' away on their errand iv peace. We eXpicted To read " thim bein' lowed into Bonies Airs be lumber hooker or pulled off tn rocks at Hong Kong be a Chinese Junk or slammed against tn coast iv terrible Terry del Fooyga an tn of ficers an crews billed in an iron pot be tn simple natives iv that inhos- pital land. But, Hinnissy. sthrange as it may seem to thim that knows tn dhreadful facts. nawthin' happened to tn doomed armada, as us naval ex- perts calls it amongst ourselves. on'y rollickin' on tn blue waters iv tn Passyfick or shakin tn light fantastic leg ashore or shootin' holes in canvas a hl i,, iv a frindly nation afther tn ships iv tn Jap'nese navy. An here is tn fleet home again an safe in tn harbor an tn jolly tars settin' with a lass on their knee an a glass iv knockout dhrops in their hand, tellin' tn sthory iv tn croose while havin their pockets picked 'Tis a good thing tn Japs didn't know that amy good baseball pitcher cud put an in-shoot through tn thickest part iv tn biggest iv tn boats. That tn ships have come home at all is due to tn pathritism iv tn naval experts who refused to publish to tn wurruld their secret knowledge iv tn helpless condition iv our navy an On'y cOnfided it to tn magazines.
 But it wasn't about that I was goin' to tlak to ye, Hinnissy No sir It's a far more seeryOus matther thin that. Ye know what sherry wine is ? Ye've heerd iv it, annyhow 'Tis a dhrink that is given to women that don't know amy betther. Mind ye. don't say annything against it Far be 1t firm me in me business to speak ill iv amy wan. No doubt it has it's good qualities an if taken be tn tub might have good effects. If tn doctor said to ye: 'Ye must lave off dhrink in amy form except perhaps a little sherry wine befure meals, ye wud tell ye'er little boy to take the coal scuttle an have it filled with sherry at tn Dutchman's on tn corner But 'tis far firm bein' an invigoratin' booze. Afther tn beautiful ladies iv France have taken off their shoes an stockins an danced out iv a grape tn varyous kinds iv dhrink that prOjoOce love. pothry, oratOry, pathritism, courage. audacity, wife-beating an all tn other manly vices, somebody takes what's left sqUeezes it in a press, adds three thousand parts iv wather an some brown sugar an calls it sherry. It is what Dock O'Leary calls alcohol in its least dangerous form. I advise all me patients to take it. says he. 'Ye niver read in tn pa-aper about man inflamed be long DOtations iv sherry wine shOotin' a polisman. It is too bad that our people cannot accustom thimsilves to light wines like tn con tinental nations. Give me a thimbleful iv rye, I have a chill says he.
 That's sherry over there on tn third shelf to tn right. It's tn same bottle I started with whin I moved into this place in tn winter iv eighteen hundherd an don't know whin. An expict to keep it till furnish days conganial enjyement to Gavin tn un- dertaker. Wan day about twinty years ago I thought I had a customer fr it, but befure I cud get the cork out he switched
 Now that I've told ye what sherry wine is like an that it's so harmless that it don't do anybody amy good. what will ye think whin I tell ye that there are men in our navy that are addicted to tn use iv this effyminate perfume. An not ony that but it gives thim tn same glOryous effects that are projooced among voters be rale dhrink 'Tis SO I say it with sorrow, but 'tis SO Tn other day I picked up pa A nearly ended. Gallant fleet mannerd be sDlindid officers an crews on its way home. COunthry waitin' feverish- ly to honor thim. Captain coort mar tiOnal fr dhrunkenness.'
 Aha says I. now I'll read some thin worth readin', an I plunged into tn sthory with tn eagerness that ivry honest mna feels at tn prospect iv |
 
 looked fr a grand sthory iv dhrink. | 'Th' sailors are tn boys to do it up | fine says l. Me idee iv a sailor was a man that cud engulf tn state iv | Kentucky without Winkin' an eye, a 1 man that niver ate eXcipt between 1 drinks. man frever arid, a Sahara iv a man that wud on'y bloom be con stant irrigation. What quantity wud cheer such a man? Or was there in far-off Africa some suttle native ben -