The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1909-01-03

boy. In securing the supply of butter
for our family table, we managed to get
alCng with the friendly cooperation of a
COW and did very well indeed, considering
everything
But now We have almost as many
separate ways of treating our stomachs
as we have rtomachs. You read of new
ones every day. 1 was hearing the other
day about enc that gentleman named
Fletcher has worked out. It's a lovely
system and economical, too, Larry. Just
from reading about it Immediately lost
what appetite [ had. 1t seems that you
take a quantity of food In your mouth
and chew it awhile and count a hun
dred or some such figure, and then you
pause awhile with your mouth ajar and
wonder why the fellow on the opposite
side of the table is getting up and run
ming away with his napkin up to his
face, and then you chew some more and
count again and chew some more, but
much slower or much faster, l forget
which, but anyhow, at the end of about
10 minutes you've enjoyed a period Of
muscular activity such as you couldn't
get any other way unless you used health
lifts, and by that time the food has COM
pletely disappeared. 1 don't know wheth-
err it's disappeared into the cuspidors or
where. The paper Just said 1t would be
gone and l have no doubt 1t would.
know it would If l were the party max
ing the experiment. | would be gone and
l would be going. The man who invented
this pleasing style of eating proves its
complete success by his own example.
He is in such splendid physical condition
that he only weighs 9S pounds and makes
a noise like a load of Stats when he walks
on a bumpy sidewalk.
I'm the hurried life of our modern civil
lization a man gets into the habit of eat
ing his meals like man swimming under
water-by holding the breath and work.
ing both hands rapidly with an up and
down motion. After a few years of this
he begins to have a sensation after eat
ing as If somebody was tearing the bur
laps off the walls of his dining room with
a careless hand. After awhile this sensa-
ton of scrambling in the tonneau be-
comes chronic. So, presently we find him
taking one large brunette pill before the
soup, two blonde ones at the salad course
and going around to see the doctor for
dessert. Or, else he begins to diet strict
ly, thereby exchanging the cold little neck
clammy feeling for a constant gnawing.
Zone of these prematurely young wo
men who's trying to keep her figure inside
of one voting precinct discovers that she
has had a feeling of fullness after eat
ing, especially If she's wearing a set Of
stays about three sizes too small for her.
So, if she can't afford to go to Palm
Beach or Southern California for a period
OF rest and recuperation, interspered here
and there with bridge whist and welsh
rabbits, she pays a specialist twenty dol
lars for a list OF the things she ought
to live on and takes a solemn VOW to
follow it, If she has TO eat every stewed
prune that ever came off stewed prune
tree She has a conviction that after a
few days practice she'll be fairly doting
on oatmeal Cruel and dry bread two
weeks old.
well, you know how woman bants,
don't you, Larry? She takes white of an
egg and a pinch of salt for breakfast,
compromises on a great gross of marsh
mallows for luncheon, get along at dinner
time on a peck of lobster salad and a hot
mince pie and decides just before going
to bed that the doctor couldn't have
known much about his business anyway.
And there's tho way it goes. We don't
liveon food any more, We live on a sys-
tenn There's the old and rliable cult of
! vegetarians-people who believe little
wish bone is a dangerous thing, and II
you spare the radish you spoil the child.
could hand you plenty more appropriate
| vegetarian proverbs, such as, "If watches
were turnips, I'd wear one inside" and
this is one General Grant almost said
one time, Lettuce! Have pieces. my
countrymen' But I'll not punish you,
Larry. All you need to know about the
vegetarian doctrine is that they think tho
health of the millennium is coming on the
bright day when the bill OF fare for tho
home will be the same it Is for the barn.
Then, there's the health food devotees,
mainly old gentlemen who wear flannel
underwear the year round and read the
morning papers going home at night.
| And then there's the new school who
| think you ought to drink a gallon of
| water before each meal, on the general
| principal. 1 assume, that il you were
| born to be hanged you'll never be drown
! ed. Or. maybe they reason 1t out that If
| your dyspepsia don't know how to swim,
| you'll get cured in time. But as for me,
J Larry II I drank that much water be-
| fore eating / wouldn't feel like swallow
| ing anything afterward unless 1t was
| couple of gold fish. I'd hate to go through
| the world playing Rebecca at the Well,
| especially If I had to be both Rebecca
and the well at the Same time"
Didn't you ever hear of special diet
| that you'd care to follow?' asked the
House Detective.
WELL" said the Hotel Clerk, "As
| general proposition I'd never care to toss
| prepared hay into my NOW as long as I'm
| equal to Ginning T-bone but did hear
| the other day of one system of eating
| that appealed to my restful nature great
| ly."
"wot one wuz that" asked the House
Detective.
"Td like this" said the Hotel Clerk,
| "you eat something you like every hour
| and you always rest an hour between
| eating"