Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-11

little after, when he started for home
and the hay.
in Washington, because tn s is a town
where they close up on you, and every
body can belong to those clubs. y'know)
He stood on the atform of the car
on the way home, whistling not un-
sWeetly in minor key.
Perhaps you think that his whistling
was mere bravado, but you shall find
out all about that little later on.
He hadn been dallying with the old
juice to such an extent that there was
any perceptible wobble in his gait when
he left the car. Not at all.
In fact, about the only thing the matter
with m was that he felt purity good.
He didn't have any trouble in finding
the keyhole with his latch key. The al
legged difficulty involved in finding key
holes with latch keys has been quite
foolishly exaggerated and magnitied.
But wat minute.
Right here is the place to execute the
switch in this narrative.
If we were doing this job according to
the standard funnyistical formula, we'd
go Oh from about this place and tell how
the man, after experiencing terrific diff
ficulty In finding the keyhole. had sort o.
skunk or crept softly into the hall. After
getting him into the hall, we'd have him
feel his way toward the stairs and then
he'd sit down on the bottom stair and,
making SLY and winkful and crafty faces
in the dark, he would proceed to remove
his shoes.
Then we'd portray him stealing-always
it is stealing-up the stairs, sort o. NUT
tering to himself because he found that
the stairs creaked q little under his
tread.
Then he would be pictured as tippy-
toeins into his room, where, to his in
tense chagrin. disappointment apd per-
turbation, he would find his spouse,
granite-lke expression on. her drawn
countenance. sittins up in bed waiting
for him. She would be portrayed with
tight-fitting curl papers in her hair and
all that stuff, despite the fact that they
hardly ever think of using curl papers
nowadays when coronet braids and such
like hempen or jute gear can be pur-
chased for as small a setback of change
as one ninety-eight.
Then it would begin.
Where she would ask him in a voice
that sounded like the fling of the teeth
of a bucksaw in the back yard-"Where,
you ruf11an, have you been?'
Then. in accordance with the antique
humoristical standard in such cases made
He'd just chico and Chico and
(''hic'D his head eff. You'll notice that
We employ parentheses for this Kicking.
Well, that's following copy, too All OF
the prehistoric stories ABOUT men coming
home to their spouses with buns-the men
with the buns, that is to say. not the
srouses-were forced to (.'hic') in pa
rentheses, just like that-a-way.
Then, still in conformity with the an
tique standard, he'd begin to explain
something after this fashion:
M dear (hic), zhash all ri where I
been. Ish all ri. Don'tchoo worry where
I been. Ish perfectly a. ri. josh been
sittin' up with shick frien !"
Or else he would say chic , that he'd
been to an extra lodge meeting.
Or that he'd been compelled to remain
down at the Office (''hic") to fix up bal
ance sheet for the boss.
Or that Chic') he'd found that he had
a slight cold in the head that afternoon
and had taken little rock and rye and
quinine and the stuff Chico had gone to
his beam
Or something like that.
And with every word or two he'd spin
in ("hic'D.
Then she'd proceed to macerate him