The Athena press. [volume] (Athena, Umatilla County, Or.) 18??-1942, 1909-01-29

tuner mo, I'm married. ."--Cleveland
Leader.
Mrs. Knicker-Where do you keep
your auto? Mrs. Newrich-In mirage.
Of course. New York Sun.
Jimmie My mas gone downtown to
pay some bills. Tommie-Pooh The
man comes to the house to collect ours
He-She is such a eharmingly inno-
cent girl, isn't she? She Oh, yes she
has taken years to acquire 1.-THE
Taller.
knicker-You know that speech is
given to man to conceal his thoughts.
Broker Well, penmanship does 1t even
better.-New York Sun.
She Cat the piano)-I presume you
are true lover of music, are you not?
lie-Yes, am; but pray don't stop.
playing on my account.
John, you yawned twice while we
We're calling on that lady" .Well,
dear. you did not expect me to keep my
mouth closed all the time. did your
Magistrate-If remember rightly.
this is not your first appearance in
court. Prisoner--No, your honor; but
| hope you don't judge by appearances"
i've just figured out how the Venus
de Milo came to lose her arms."
"Howi" "She broke them off trying to
button her shirt waist up the back. p
Puck.
Weary Walker-I see 500 more men
has been t'rown out of work. Tired
Traveler-Gee! Dere's gettin' to be
too much competition in our business.
Puck.
.The seventeen mothers in the vii
lage mothers club agreed to decide by
ballot which had the handsomest baby"
"Well, who won it?'' Each kid got
one vote"
Are marriages made In heaven3"
"As to that can't say, but do know
this much" What is that, Peleg?'
"There'e lots of courting done In
church. Washington Herald.
''This watch will last you for life.
time.' remarked the jeweler. Mon
sense.r retorted the customer. "Can't
see for myself now that its hours are
numbered = London Spare Moments.
Man Ito boy at roadside) -Wha'
| time Is it? Boy-Purty near IL o'clock
Man-Thought it was more than II
Boy-Nope. Never gets more than l:
In this country. Begins at ] again.
Judge.
Bystander-Do what do yor
think OF this mans injuries? Doctor
(of Irish extraction) Two of them are
undoubtedly fatal; but as for the rest
of them, time alone can tell.-Boston
Transcript.
.You have q new housemaid, see
Mrs. Youngwife. Yes, | got her about
a week ago" "How do you like herr
"very much indeed. She let's me dc
almost as / like about the house,
London Tit-Bits
what diagnosis did the doctor make
of your wife's illness? "Said she Is
suffering from oyerwork." rs that
sof" "Yes; he looked at her tongue
and reached that decision immediate
ly."-Detroit Free Press.
Mr.. Newwed-You never call me pet
names now unless you want something.
Before marriage 1t was different. Mrs.
Newwed- no. Before marriage |
called you pet names because ! wanted
you.--London Gentlewoman. M
Jimmie, your face Is dirty again this
morning. exclaimed the teacher.
"What would you say IL | came to
school every day with dirty face|
Huh" grunted Jimmie, I'D be too
perlite to say anything g'-Circle.
Mother Tin a very low voice) Tom
my, your grandfather is very ILL Can't
you say something nice to cheer him up
a bit? Tommy lin an earnest voice. =
Grandfather, wouldn't you like to have
soldiers at your funeral ?"--London Tit
Bits.
'I'm sure said the areyeler, "the
public would be interested to know the
secret of your success" "Well. young
man. replied the captain Of industry,
"the secret of my success has been my
ability to keep 1t a secret Catholic
Standard and Times.
I'm afraid I'm catching cold" said
Kloseman, trying to get some medical
advice free. Every once In while
I feel an itching in my nose, and then
| sneeze. What would you do in a case
like that, doctor?' well" replied DR..
Sharpe, Il guess I'd sneeze, too"
The mother of conscientious little
miss, wishing to rid her of the fear of
some cows In a field through which
she had to pass, told her to go right
by and pretend she didn't see them.
aBut, mamma" protested the small
maid, wouldn't that be deceiylng the
cows7s
How did those two ever come to
marry each other:' well. she was
the only woman he ever knew vino
would listen to his anecdotes over five
minutes at a time, and he was the
only man she ever knew that could look
at her that long without getting neu-