The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1909-03-14
Heiney Takes the Gloom Cure

He has a pair of starry, pop eyes, a
high cOlored beak that might be used
as a danger signal, and q black, shoe
brush beard, trimed close except for d
little spike under the chin, that gives
the lower part of his face look like
the ace of spades. His mornin' cos
tune is faded bluee jumper, brown
checked pants, and an old pair of rub
ber-soled shoes that Swiftly had donat-
ed to him.
That Heiney's description, as near as
I can get to it. He comes shufflin in,
luggin' scrub pail in one hand and
draggin' a mop in the other, and he
looks about as cheerful as a wornout
hearse that's been turned into an ash
wagon.
''Heiney," says I, you're Just in
/ time. Still lookin' for a nice. comfort
able place to die in, are your
Heiney ShrugS his shoulders and lifts
his eyebrows in a lifeless sort OF style.
He does most of his conversin' that
way; but he can say more with a few
shrugs than Swiftly Joe can by usin'
both sides of his mouth. What Heiney
means is that one place is as good as
another, and he don't care now soon lie
finds it.
well, cheer up. Heiney," says 1;
for I've just decided to give you the
use of my back room to shuttle off in
I've got comp'ny for you, too. Here's
Mr.. Jarvis, Mr.. Heiney Kirschwas-
SER
And you should have seen the look
Of disgust on Jarvis face as he sizes
UP the specimen. "Oh, I say now
Shorty" he begins, there's such a
thing as"
"Gwan!' says I. Want you just
tellin' me about how you was plannin'
job for the coroner? And Heiney's
been threatenin' to do the same thing
for weeks. He comes in here every day
or so and talks about jumpin' off the
dock, or dom the air dance. I've been
stavin' him off with slugs of prune
brandy and doses of good advice; but
If a chap like you has caught the fever,
then see I've been doin' wrong not TO
! let Heiney have his way. Now there's
the back room, with plenty of rope and
gasjets. Get on in there, both of you
and make req lar bee of it,
Heiney, he stands blinkin' and starin'
at Jarvis, until he gets him so nervous
| he almost streams.
For heavens sake, Shorty" says
Jarvis, Tets not joke about such
subject"
Joke says I. You're the one that's
supplyin' the comedy here. Now Heiney
is serious. He'd do the trick in d min
ute if he had the nerve. He's got things
in his mind, Heiney has. And what's
the odds if they amt so? Compared to
what you've been fussin' about,
they're Here, Heiney, you tell the
| gentleman that tale of yours. Begin
where you was cook in some seashore
hotel in Switzerland"
Not zsashorel Nom" says Heiney.
droppin' his pail and wavin' one hand.
''Eet ees at Lack Como, in re mon
tongs. / am re head chef, mOii'
Yes, you look it, says I. "A fine fig
ure of q chef you'd make. wouldn't
you? Well, go on; about bein.fulI of
prunes when they called on you to sea-
son the soup. What was it you
dumped in instead of salt-arsenic,
eh?''
mon, nom" says Heiney, gettin' ex-
cited. "Ze poison for re r-T-rat. I keep
| heem in one tin can, same as re salt.
am what you call intoxicate. I make
re mistak'. All. diablel Deux, trois-
| tree hundred guests are zere. ley eat
| re soup. Zen come by me re maitre
! d'hoteL He say re soup ees spoil. Eet
| has re foony taste. All, mon Dieu!
| Mon"
YES. yes" says / Never mind
whether it was Monday OF Tuesday
What did you do them"
Moi? ] fly" says Heiney. 'I am
| distract. ] T-r-r-run on re r-r-r-road.
1 tear-r-r off my white apron, my white
! chapeaU. All, secr-r-re noml How my
heart is thoomp, thoOmp, on my inside!
| All night l speak to myself: You have
keel ZEN all! Ze belle ladies, Ze pauvre
| shiIdren All, you have poi-zon-edi
Zey make to tweest up on re floor!' All,
diable! Always 1 can sec zem tweest
.