davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1909-06-26
IGHEAD TALKS ON "THE EATS PROPOsITION"-

sporty sort OF talker and a cracker
jack medical man besides.
Now, I've always hated that word
ulcer on general principles. But gas
trio ulcer Doesn't gastric ulcer fall
upon the ear in a sinister sort of q
way?
That means stomach ache, doesn't
it?' said to the doct"-, trying to mIti-
gate the ornery sound Of his verdict.
1T means that, for a sure thing
and 1t mans lot more said the doctor
man. looking blamed cheerful about 1t.
A gastric ulcer isn't any merry jest
you know. When you've got gastric
ulcer you're sick
"'Oh, I'm sick. am - I said to him
Well. how long am I going to be sick"
THAT depends said he; depends
upon how you behave yourself and
obey orders. If your conduct is up to
you on your feet within a month or
six weeks
That was ridiculous. l was in hor-
rible pain and all that, and knew that
/ was out of kilter all right; but to be
tied up in bed for a month or six
was ridiculous. 1t was idiotic. l told
the doctor so.
That's all right about how idiotic
1t is he came back at me. The fact
for at least month. Not only that, but
il you try to get gay with me I'll have
you ratified off to hospital before you
can say scat. You're a hospital case right
now. AS a special concession to you,
however. because you're wild man and
wholly undisciplined. I'll let you stay
here at home, but you've got to have
a trained nurse. I'll send the nurse
here at once. See that you obey her
orders. I'll tell her all about your case
Nurse nothing I said to him. My
wife can do all the waiting on me that'll
be called for
Your Wife said the doctor. will be
wheedled and bambooZled into giving
you anything you want. and you'd die
under that sort of treatment. and he
looked severe. A trained nurse for
you. and that's all there Is about it
Il beckoned to my wife. who was in
the room.
please give me glass of ice water,
/ said to her.
Well. l guess not stuck in the doc
tor. You can't have any water: not
drop, iced or any other kind 1t woul
Evening star., 1909-06-26
half dozen on the shell to hold it down?
about that minute l began TO see
breakers ahead, and l did the indignant

half dozen on the shell to hold it down?
about that minute / began TO see
breakers ahead. and l did the indignant
glare.
didn't trifle along with some radisheS.
olives and celery. rendered pleasant and
palatable by a small line OF old sauterne.
and. of course. after that you didn't settle
French entree, backed up by a real sub
stantial but d6licately favored roast fowl,
f1anked by all the hothouse vegetables on
the market and eliminating in some
smelly cheese and black coffee. And as
you had only a bottle of beer and a club
sandwich you didn't, Of course, surround
the foregoing assortment OF real food
with several quarts Of high-priced alcohol,
did you, Bill? I'm not calling off that line
of grub as II had read the check. am I,
Bill? And your friend from New York
who hasn't sense enough to pound sand
and who has more money than a chorus
girl-of course, he didn't get mellow on a
bottle of beer, did he? And of course he
didn't have violet eyes and dollar treat
ment hair and a bottled-in-bond nose.
cleverly touched up with rice powder.
and. of course. his complexion wasn't
put on with spade and he didn't wear a
embroidered waist and a tailor
made skirt, and he wasn't all plastered
over with near-diamonds till he looked
like an April rainbow. was he, Bill? And.
likewise. he didn't call you dear and
BiIlee. and nice old doggie. did he. Bin'
And you're not a deceiving. immoral,
drunken, contemplate. heart breaking,
home-wrecking wretch of a married man.
are you, Bll?'
After that said my friend. mournful-
1y, "came the deluge and wife left for her
mothers while sat up all night thinking
it over. Me for the burg on the Hudson
where second sight is not general at
tribute Of married women. On the level,
amt 1t the living limit? AS innocent a
man as ever lived and at present under
Evening star., 1909-06-26

already somewhat involved credit sys-
tenn. l am free to say that I do not
altogether approve of it,
For example, only yesterday 1 met
with one of these gentlemen. True,
he was only an acquaintance, but he
always seemed to be a personable sort
of man, and. although I don't know
what avocation he follows, we have been
on nodding terms for quite some time.
Well, yesterday afternoon I met him on
the avenue. and as he was going in my
direction we strolled along together.
Happening to pass a theater where per-
formances of light opera are being given,
remembered that my wife had instruct
ed me to get some seats, and so l went
into the theater to purchase the tickets.
by jove, exclaimed my acquaintance.
who accompanied me into the theater.
that reminds me that my wife, too,
ordered me to get seats for this little
opera. I am delighted that I ran into
you SO that you reminded me of it. Just
get four seats. old chap, if you please.
Well, well, my wife would certainly have
been miffed If 1 hat forgotten to get
these seats.
so l took four seats and gave him
the two he desired.
"'Certainly am g. thousand times
obliged to you, old boy. for jogging my
Evening star., 1909-06-26

versation. l hadn't the remotest idea
in the world what they were driving
at. But they laughed quite boisterously
when ! asked them to enlighten me.
We'll, sirs, I'd be willing to gamble
hat one of them said then, restrain
Ing his mirth with obvious difficulty,
that our excellent host still cings te-
naciously to the old-fashioned idea with
respect to money
How is that?' inquired. still ysti-
fled.
Why. that you put yourself to the
bother and annoyance of packing the
measly stuff around with you / mean
lie said then. and they were all laughing
immoderately with him.
Why, yes. ! began to explain. of
course | find 1t desirable and even
necessary to carry with me enough
money to meet my immediate needs.
and
However, the rest OF what said was
drowned i'm the general roar that went
around the table. OF course. it ended
by my paying the check for all hands
rather stiffish one. too. I must say;
matter of some s3S. If / remember
correctly.
Il am really curious to ascertain"
concluded Mr.. Softe-Marque, .if this Gus
tom of gentlemen not carrying money.
is to become universal. for IL it is, or
course l should not care to be banal
by departing from the general rule.
Evening star., 1909-06-26
A Vanished Type.
SsI RODE to Brighton one June day with
! Alfred Vanderbilt on his coach"

1sI RODE to Brighton one June day with
Alfred Vanderbilt on his coach"
said a Minneapolitan. 1T vas fine.
We chatted. Mr.. Vanderbilt and I. like
two old friends. and the coach, footing
it's horn, bowled out of Lcndon with all
the cabbies giving us the whip salute.
and soon struck the white road to the
sea.
LAS We glded along that white road.
between groves loud with bird music.
through quaint old villages and over hills
that gave us glorious views OF the sunny.
windy downs. Mr.. Vanderbilt told me
stories of the old coachman of the past
1t seems he collects, you know. coaching
prints. rare old books on coaching, coach
ing anecdotes and so forth.
.tOne coaching anecdote he told me was
about the way those fat red coachmen OF
old could endure the cold.
"On a January day of wind and sleet.
he said. the coachman of the Liverpool
mail made fun of a shivering passenger
who shared the next seat with him.
The coachman, red and comfortable In
the storm, looked at the blue and shiver
ing passenger with contempt. Finally he
sneered and said
II daresay as yer one o. them birds
wot washes their feet. eh? Well, there's
a pair Of feet in these ere boots OF
mine wot amt been washed since I was
nipper. Wash my feet? I'd as soon
think o. washin' my cad"
Evening star., 1909-06-26

town where man can take long breath
or curve a highball into his system with
out calling out the fire department. and
where any free-born American citizen
can wobble his index digit without wreck
ing a perfectly happy home
I grinned. / had heard grouches like
that before. Been on a little tooterino.
eh?' / suggested. Better cut 'em out.
time for reaping the untamed grain has
been over for whole parcel of harvest
moons
Mercy! My friend nearly exploded.
Suffering snakes" he cried. ''if I'd laid
up little jaglet to the good wouldn't
a little man. put up for fine line of
spring millinery and look sad and chas-
tened for awhile. But just at present
I'm up against a fine sample of the
hammer, the fine and fancy village roast.
I'm free to admit that in my time I've
breezed under the wire all in, and that
in those days my visiting list OF rosy
cation backed off the map. But that's
back In the dim and distant. and ever
since I galloped up the main aisle to the
tune of that thump-thump thing I've been
sticking to- the straight and narrow.
But that doesn't count, for this game
I'm up against is the real thing. the
Washington knock, the village tyemolo.
Washington isn't city, It's a burg, a
hamlet Every time a man grins it goes
down in the blue book as suspicious, and
if he does a quick step for as much as
a block 1t is announced by the town
crier. Oh, it's a great and grand city
for rapid results.
THE other day my wife mentioned at
the breakfast table that she'd some shop
ping to do and that if I felt in a buying
mood she'd like to lunch at my expense.
Far be it from me- said she, or words
to that effect. to stick you for the price
Of a swell ante-marriage layout, so we'll
Evening star., 1909-06-26

what they're barking about, they sure
do.
Huh. Don't think that a woman feels
occa casional,y as if she'd like to get away
from the fiat and have a change. too?
Oh, there you go, as usual. Didn't !
suggest two long months ago that you'd
have the bulliest time Of your life If you'd
go out to Indiana and see your folks.
and didn't you almost bite my head off
for suggesting that? B'jinks, I begin to
believe that you positively despise your
folks, anyhow! Every time / slip in so
much as word of suggestion that you
rattle out there to the farm and see your
people, why, you flare up as If somebody
was trying to put up a job on you to
send you to Jail.
But to get back to the foxiness of
these ducks who just hand the merry
ha-ha to the scheming girls that try to
snare them into the connubial gag-the
more think of those smart guys the
more admire them, and that's the
truth. They know how to appreciate and
they know how to keep that inestimable
boon, namely, and to wit-freedom. They
can't see this gag of being at somebody's S
beck and call. Doggone 'em, they're just
as free as little brides a brier bush.
and maybe they don't know it.. When
one of 'em comes to me. laughing In his
sleeve all the time, and tries to spin that
tommyrot about how lucky the fellows
are that've got domestic ties and all like
Evening star., 1909-06-26

the morning. But that's all the ar-
probation ] get-having the weeps pulled
on me.
Now. see here. what's this all about.
anyhow? Who said anything about be-
ing tired of anybody? Well, OF all the
bedinged inventions ever.
Il only said that these fellows who
keep out of the matrimonial mess know
their little book, and here you. begin
imagining about fourteen million things
that you say said and that you must
have dreamed about while I was talking.
for you were more than half asleep all
the time.
''Oh. well. s'pose I'm expected to
crawl now and let you walk all over me.
simply because you accuse me Of picking
on you, when as a matter Of fact I've
only been trying to cut up a little with
you. I'm the fathead for expecting q
woman to have any sense OF humor.
anyhow. That's the whole thing. I
shouldn't expect woman to be able to
see the point of a little badinage. oh.
well, cut out that snifiing stun, won't
YOU. and I'll do anything you want?
There. there, now, forget that weepy
number. Who's said a word to you?
You'll see my point of view one of these
days. and then you'll understand. There
there, now. flag that wadded handker-
chief business, and let's have some
breakfast. Come on. hun. everything
all right"
Evening star., 1909-06-26

perfectly normal.
1T beats me- l heard her muttering.
Well, l was hungry again. then, and / got
rampageous and ordered Sarah to be sent
to me. Then I ordered Sarah to beat it to
the store and buy me the finest little ten
derloin steak purchaSable for money on
this island. My wife looked agonized. and
the nurse phoned again for the doctor.
Fortunately, he couldn't be reached-and
/ hiked down to the kitchen again and
supervised things while Sarah-who was
secretly of the opinion that / was on the
right trail-broiled me that tenderloin
steak. I assaulted that steak-it was ten
der and a dandy-like a lumberjack just
out of camp, and washed it down with
fine young pot Of coffee. Back to the hay.
then, for four more hours sleep, and
woke up feeling like wheat cornerist
just after a cleanup. Was out of bed sit
ting at the window the next day eating
human food three times day; no pain. no
distress. no nothing Of that kind; and
three days later I was back at the Office
on the job. And they'd have kept me on
milk and lime water and farina and pap
for a month or six weeks and I'd have
had that bedinged pain most of the time.
at that!
Now. I didn't grab out that first forbid
den feed-the lamb stew-altogether in a
spirit of recklessness. I'd had a similar
experience-curing myself of bad illness
by satisfying appetite for food-eighteen
years before.
was d CTlcl pcIty OlIiCcT OIl q IfldE-O
war at that time, and l went down with a
bad dose of tropical fever-coast fever. we
called it then-in the harbor of La Liber-
tad. Salvador. Two other men of the
ships company took with the fever at the
same time I did, both husky fellows. and
one Of them died. I was delirious for a
couple of weeks, and went down from 100
pounds to 145. Then l very slowly began
to mend. They had me on swinging cot
on the berth deck. just for'ard of the
compartment where the chief petty off,
GERS messed. When I came out of the de-
lirium was scandalously hungry, but the
surgeon wouldn't let me have anything
but little albumen water occasionally.
And ] had to lie there in my swinging
cot and see the fellows of my mess in
the next compartment gobbling up fine.
fresh provisions fixed up by our bully
decided to eat if got Lalf chance and
ate.
1.-THE mess cook had just got everything
Evening star., 1909-06-26
Co.,. ~pTA@d1feT1@ T@sM~%g- "a

of the gentlemen at my table pronounced
themselves to be most outlandishly hun
cry. as 1 was. although all OF them
said that it was a most uncommon oc-
currence for them to have any sort of
appetite at all at that hour OF the day.
So they all ordered quite formidable
luncheons. and all OF them felt like
champagne too They invited me to have
some champagne with them, and since
they were such rollicking, agreeable
chaps 1 departed from my rule not to
take champagne until dinner when / take
1t at all. which is not very often. and
signified my willingness. Indeed, that
was a most merry luncheon-one Of the
jolliest. In fact. Of my experience All
four of the gentlemen at my table early
revealed themselves as wits. and the tales
thar passed around were decidedly keen
and enjoyable. They all drank a great
deal of champagne with their food and
continued to drink that merry wine after
the eating was over. Perhaps l should
confess that ], too, finding myself In
such sparkling company, partook OF far
more champagne than would, to a per-
son not acquainted. with the circum-
stances, have seemed compatible with
my usual abstemiousness I'm this respect.
We sat for good two hours over the
wine following the luncheon before we
had coffee, and then one of my acquaint-
ances gave the signal by pushing his
chai, back
Evening star., 1909-06-26
MISTER

I've got results by being q pighead-
that is to say, 1 pigheadedly bullied
and beat out a bad attack of illness 1t
was the second time I'd beat the being
sick thing by refusing to obey orders.
I'm not recommending my system, un-
derstand. I'm only telling what hap
pened to me. Perhaps other fellows
would lose out by being pigheaded
while sick. Maybe. too. I'm part os-
trich and part Angora goat. Anyhow,
] will-just naturally will-eat vic
tuals whether I'm sick or WELL And
that's what I'm talking about-sick
folks eating victuals. with particular
reference to myself, Mister Pighead.
Il got my stomach knock -out about
a month ago. Got it bad, too. Had
been feeling sort of gone and irritable
for a couple of weeks. Atop of this, I
had to take an old pal from the west
ing at the town, we ate a lot of crazy
food and drank a lot of insane drinks.
Next day j couldn't go to the office.
Day after that / felt nineteen knives
grinding and cutting and slashing in
my stomach.
The doctor poked at me and paved
ME over. Then he gave one of those
Cminous shakes of the head that doctor
lersons spring on you when your case
looks pretty punk.
Well. out with it said l. What
happened to me nowT
You've got "a perfectly good young
gastric ulcer. said the doctor, who's a
Evening star., 1909-06-26

set for supper one evening. two davs aft.
er l came out of my deiirium, when the
eau ior evening quarters went. All hands
OF course, hustled for the main deck and
l was alone on the berth deck The cook
mad just placed large. fine mold of cam
neu salmon. covered over with a steaminc
cream dressing. on the table the minute
before the call for quarters went Az
soon as the last man disappeared up the
for-ard ladder to answer his name at
quarters l crawled out of my swinging
canvas cot and then crawled on my hands
and knees-I was too weak to stand-to
the mess table. Then jabbed a fork into
that mold of canned salmon. covered over
with its fine hot cream dressing, and 7
gobbled up about pound and a half Of ft
before, quarters being over the cook and
the rest OF 'em scrambled down the lad
DER and caught me waloping that mold
OF salmon. The cook dragged me back TO
my cot and sent for the apothecary. The
apothecary turned white When the cook
told him of the mess I'd got away with,
and he hustled for the surgeon. The sur
geon rushed aft. looked at the mold OF
salmon I'd demolished and then ap-
preached my cot.
MY man. said the surgeon. sepulch-
rally. I'm sorry to tell you. but I fear I
haven't chance to pull you through
this. You must have been insane
can't see how l can get you out of this
mess: III have to use the stomach pump
on you. anyhow
- Not on your life will you told him,
and of course he didn't care to fight a
sick man to use the stomach pump The
surgeon asked me to give him the names
OF my nearest folks SOS he could notify
'em in case anything happened, said he.
significantly, and then l turned over and
slept like coon dog in front Of shady
log cabin. Woke up feeling like brier
bird and twice as chrpy and clipper. and
the surgeon looked me over and told me
! was freak. Was up on deck getting
the air next day and scheming for more
food. Conned our German mess cook into
FEEDING me nice little stews surreptitious-
ly, and week later / reported for duty in
the logroom-I was engineers yeoman-
and began to gain about four pounds a
day.
I'm Mister Pighead, all right. I'm not
recommending my system as | say but it
is suited, / reckon, pretty well to the
purposes of pighead. the same being
that which / fear / am
Evening star., 1909-06-26

full Of milk and lime water every four
hours! I'd have thrown shoe at the
doctor and the nurse. too, If any shoe
had been handy. AS I was l laughed at
'em both in a croaking manner.
How long will this gorging on milk
and lime water continue? 1 asked the
doctor sarcastically.
oh. bout ten days.. said he.' After
that perhaps, II you show progress, you
may have an occasional part OF an egg
or a little farina-soft stuff like that, you
know
Il turned my face to the wall and de-
clined to converse with him further. He
laughed at me. This doctor fellow Is an
course, l was privileged to show him
how sore he made me If felt like it.
"Well. lay there. getting those mis-
cradle tablespoonruls OF milk and lime
days But l was ravenous. When the
nurse left the room I'd try to wheedle
my wife into giving me something to eat.
but ] couldn't make 1t. She felt badly
about my being SO hungry. tool could
see that; and Of course / played that up
and did my durndest to work upon her
feelings and overpersuade her and all
that; but she'd been SO Solemnly warned
that l couldn't break her down, though
I had her wabbing. several times. Just
when l was about to win each time, how
ever, the nurse'd come traipsing back to
the room-the moocher-and I'd have 90
shut up.
''on the third day after I'd been put
on that ornery milk and lime water
diet l was ready to run amuck. gas
trio ulcer or no gastric ulcer. Every
time dozed dreamed OF outlets
and baked potatoes and lettuce salad
with oil dressing and truck like that.
was hungry as a wolf even when the
pain had me. determined to have some
thing TO eat if l had to burn me house
down. And things broke my way. My
wife suggested to the nurse that as she
had been In so much she might as we'll
go out for few hours and get some
air. Wife told the nurse she'd stay on
the Job of looking after me- The nurse
gave nv wife lot Of directions and then
went away. After she'd been gone for
a while l suddenly sprung ii on my wife
that I'd have to have a check cashed.
She looked dubious about leaving me, but
1 invented some kind Of yarn about
having to send some money to an office
mate to whom / was indebted. and got
Evening star., 1909-06-26

"Well,' he Inquired, surveying the
party In his inimitable way-the man
really showed himself pronounced wit
l must say that-'Well. l wonder who
is the bad-form individual around this
board?'
1.-The other three seemed to understand
the question perfectly, although. of
course. / did not comprehend it at all.
mot guilty they all said. at once,
and then they separately gave utterance
to such singular remarks as nothing like
that in our family and Il dare anybody
to catch me red handed that way and
so on.
The greasy, bunny currency that
one gets nowadays carries too much
danger of infection with it, anyhow.
one of my acluaintances observed, rath-
er soberly. 1 wouldn't be found dead
with such misunderstanding rags on my
person.
"'Ditto here seriously remarked an
other of them. Why, dye know, fel
lows, I carry so little of the stuff that
I'm often actually embarrassed for car
fare and penny newspapers?
What is our agreeable hosts view?'
inquired one of the others, nodding his
head toward me.
We'll. now. really, / had not supposed
up to that blessed minute that / was
the host Of that merry occasion. l had
to ask them all for light ON their con-
Evening star., 1909-06-26

member having read or heard that royal
personages never carry any money with
them. either at home or on their travels;
but, really, had not supposed that the
somewhat regrettable imitativeness of
Americans would lead them to copying
royalty In a matter of this sort. 1t Is
questionable. ] think. if some gentlemen
] know, who seem addicted to this prac-
tce of rarely or never carrying any
money with them, are entirely
solvent, so to speak, as most royal per-
sonages. Moreover, this new plan-if
il really has become crystallized into
an actual plan-seems to complicate our