davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1909-07-17

Il don't like to think about 1t even
now he remarked. Il started down ne
slide in great shape, leading the way. am
for FIVE seconds enjoyed II. In ten sec
onds l began 10 feel foolish. at the twenty
second mark I was dippy, in three-quar-
ters of minute / was drunk and when
I'd been under way full minute / was
positively maudlin. don't remember much
about the rest of IL. except that wncn
about half minute distant from the bot
tom. and going faster than a lightning eN-
press ] found | couldn't see the track ~
a. steered my toboggan into drift 80
finished the last half mile of the course
on my ear. Every one in the party was
in the same fix. except as to the car
slide. Not one of us could walk or talk
y think. and the sympathetic bystandsss
carried us into our hotel and put US %
bed Ii took from twenty-four to forty
eight hours for those who participated In
thlt little booze party above the clouos
70 recover from their jags. and whei We
did thera was a pledge signed all around
that we wo1id'I's take drink again ex-
G. y on Scod o'd sale earth.
If man could live above the clouds
all the time il wouldn't be so bad but
white man can't do that. Just take II
from me that the suspended jag that hit
you like freight car is whole lot worse
than the old-fashioned proposition that
steals on YOU sweet and gradual"
iRE1N NG c. NORWO ID.
Evening star., 1909-07-17
WGIu-I- Elp- 1l1tllI-1T1HJ

Three horses slipped on the greasy pave
ment and fell down right in front or our
place, and there was all kinds of bob
berry each time getting em up.
Then there was a knife grinder. You
remember the old-time knife grinder? The
round-shouldered. saddened-looking chap
who used to pack big framework that
looked like an oi-well derrick around
with him on his back and ring bell To
attract housewives to their windows
Well this knife grinder Of mine wasn't
anything like the old-timer He pulled
up in front of our apartment in a COW
cred wagon hauled by fat, comfortable
looking horse. The wagon was painted
all over bright blue. Dropping the
lines, the knife srinder-a huge. husky
Dane, with frame of iron-got out a
cornet and sounded rafting fine military
call on it, enough clarion notes. well
played and perfectly on the pitch. He
caught me looking out of the window AT
him and held up his cornet inquiringly
at me. / couldn't turn him down after
being caught red-handedly that way. and
so / beckoned him to come up. Had the
black maid assemble all of the knives and
things that needed sharpening, and when
he'd finished the job and brought the
things back ] fell to talking with him.
Most surprising chap, that knife grind
Evening star., 1909-07-17

mover And when 1 got to running real
smooth / missed all the ordinary eleva-
tions and only hit the high places now ana
then. Maybe it was because OF this
high place habit, or maybe It was some
thing else but mountain climbing was
one of my bugs. / had plenty OF money
in those days. so I didn't have to work
for pay. but I am frank to say that II
the energy / wasted climbing bald-head-
ed mountains could have been put into
the steam horsepower there'd be couple
Of boiler factories running yet. l put
about five years galloping up and down
all the dinky hills in this country and
abroad. and finally one day | decided 10
drift down the famous toboggan slide on
the Jungfrau. Never hear Of it? Well.
the skyward end Of the Jungfrau slide
the Jungfrau being mountain and not a
Young lady-is three miles from the sea S
level, and the almost perpendicular drop
is about two miles. had heard that to
come down the slide on a dinky little to-
boggan was the hair-raisingest experience
ever known. and l cut after 1t right then.
II got together half dozen of the
breezy push that used to travel around
in nv wake then and after loading up
our guides and ourselves, inside and out.
with one of the most complete stocks of
alcohol ever seen in these parts we made
the climb Every time we climbed a
hundred feet we'd stop and take drink.
and every time we put down a slug we
Evening star., 1909-07-17

America.
What?
For the matter of that, why shouldn' t
folk be privileged to express themselves
in huge diapasonic unison even in a
court of law when verdict hits 'em right
where they live?
This at first glance may sound some
few notes. not to say octaves, Off the
old rumbIing conservative key; may sound
"unprecedented'' may seem "supversive
of all established rules lin contraven-
tion of the dignity Of courts" "a blow
at the course of justice" with capital j,
and all sorts of humble humble things.
How often, hither and yOn, have
heard packed courtrooms spontaneously
burst into irrepressible volumes of hoarse
applause upon the rendering of dead
right verdicts in courts of law, only to be
instantly gloomed and glowered and glar-
ed upon by the judge, who Walloping his
desk and beetling at the bunch from his
little mound, would adjure and admonish
'em that they were misbehaving EN-
selves. so they were, by giving vent to
q strictly human and utterly blameless
impulse, and tell 'em that II they didn't
behave that stuff they'd be tossed out in
to the open air without ceremony, SO they
would.
And always. when I've seen this hap
pened, I've just wondered and wondered
and wondered what for.
Why should a jammed courtroom OF
people in a courtroom be scoWled at and
admonished for being human and show
ing that they are human?
What Is the necessity, the virtue. of
this silence on the part of massed bod
Evening star., 1909-07-17

les of human beings which is imposed. In
conformity mainly with a tradition that
had its birth when men were supposed
to be mute under wrongs, right up to the
present day upon civilized, sentlent, think
ing and even cultured assemblages OF
American human beings?
Taking it along a little further: Why
shouldn't the parson in his pulpit be ap-
plauded IL the things he says are worth
being applauded?
This may look like another wallop at
the established order of things. and there
fore a vicious suggestion, until 1t is look
ed into a little bit.
Lecturers lecturfng upon ethical mat
ters are applauded to the echo. aren't
they, If they're eloquent and winning and
captivating to the imaginations of their
auditors?
Then why not the eloquent preacher
lecturing also upon ethical matters in a
church?
When Bob Ingersoll took the pla, form
and made the points that tickled the
fancy of the folks sitting in front of him
they stood up and yelled their heads off,
didn't they?
Why, then, shouldn't the preacher fight
ing on the other side of the fence be
made aware of the approval of his Arowd
when he makes points that arouse 1t to
the point of emotional approval and ac-
claim?
Once. more than a dozen years ago,
saw this thing work out.
1t happened at a miserable little fish
ing and numbering hamlet in the state Of
Washington called ii Waco-a hamlet
slapped down on the bank OF the Colum-
Evening star., 1909-07-17

like the Bhiffbharg of Billybezhing.
ION the second morning of my stay
at home along toward Q o'clock in the
morning, the hall bell tinkled and then
the black maid servant came to my door
"'Gent'man wifi a satchel wants tuh
see yo ALL she said.
Il wondered what the dickens gentle
man with a satchel would be wanting 70
see me for at 8 o'clock in the morning.
Figured that perhaps he was one OF my
brothers from the west or somebody IKE
that blowing in on me.
''Oh, well, have him in, | said to the
maid and tell him I'll be dressed In ten
minutes, and
DE gent'man wifi de satchel say yo
all don't have T. dress, cut in Mlndy.
He alls uh bahbuh.
"'Barber?' said /. All right-send him
in
'.Ten seconds later enter the Daroer
He carried neat black satchel.
SHAVE. sir? said he TO meme lying
there in the hay. looking him over
wonderingly.
.Surest thing you know-I should say
I do want a shave l told him enthusl-
astically. Just wait till / hop up ano
I'LL
mo need at all for you to get up
Evening star., 1909-07-17

sir said the pleasing looking mulatto
taking off his coat and getting out his
tools. Shave you in bed. Save you both
er. Just wait tin / get some hot wa
ter and he went out to the bathroom
getting back in half minute with a
shaving mug all ready for lathering. Then
he propped an extra pillow under my
head and lathered and shaved me just
as slick as stewed kidney. You know
it was fine. l just lay there and half
closed my eyes and decided that I'd have
my white yacht, 47S feet over all. put
into immediate commission and start off
on a cruise around the North cape.
Y'see. 1t was the first time in my life
I'd ever been shaved in bed and the
things liable to make any fellow feel
auriferous and hasheeshy.
This is great I told the barber when
he'd finished, but how did you know
there was such a human being as my
self, Where. that Is to say. did YOU
ascertain that there was a man on the
second floor Of this apartment house stay
ing at home with some trifling ailment
who'd be liable to be wanting shave in
bed?'
THE barber grinned and told me that
the janitor had tipped him off. | thought
he'd soak me about dollar for his work
But he only asked me for 81 cents, and
Evening star., 1909-07-17

an article in the foreign news that made
me sit up and take notice. 1t says that
Dr. Mossi and Prof. Galcutti, two eminent
Italian scientists. have discovered that at
an altitude of more than 10000 feet above
sea level no man can become soused.
Become what?' asked the listening
commuter.
"Soused'' said the overcoated passen-
GER impatiently. "Spifficated, paralyzed.
or. if you prefer it. just plain drunk. In
other words, these two scientific geezers
have discovered that if you stick your
nose above the clouds to do your drink
ing you can fill your system so full of
booze that your breath will light and you
won't be even moderately exhilarated |
know because | tried it myself. but l also
know a few more things about this high
altitude jag proposition that these pro-
fessors proba bly, haven't discovered. And
l ought to know, for / tried 1t.
Roll up your carpet, said the man
with the ruby nose his next-doOr
neighbor smiled disbelevingly. This is
no vaudeville show, and that tip is from
headquarters You can take 1t that way
without worrying. When | was in my
early twenties, about million years ago,
i was a hummer from the short grass.
was the nearest thing to a siXty-horse-
power mile-a- minute red-devil that hu-
man being could be, and when | threw on
the speed clutch and locked my steering
gear for dead ahead i was a sure enough
Evening star., 1909-07-17

er. He'd been sailor. and had visited
every country in the world. Then he'd
turned 10 knife grinding so as to visit the
inland parts of countries. Queerest part
OF II was that he was a finely educated
man. There was an old limp leather copy
OF Horace's Odes, in the Latin sticking
out OF his coat pocket. / asked him 10
read me the four lines of Horace that I
remember from my school days, and YOU
ought to've heard his Latin. | never put
in an hour talking with a auainter or
more interesting wanderer He asked mo
II ] had any china to be mended and
had He said he'd send me man to
mend it,
The man he sent. another Dane with
the Wanderlust. showed up on the follow
ing morning. He was a hunchback and
well educated. like the knife grinder lie
fixed up all the chipped and broken china
ware in the apartment and expressed some
views with reference to what he called
the higher socialism that quite aston
ished and baffied me- but interested me
at that
Had fun to burn. in fact. every day I
stayed at home. and the next time I want
sure-enough loll around with entertain
ing things happening right along. I'm 60
ing to tip off my doctor man TO bully me
into staying al home again"
Evening star., 1909-07-17

nights" you say, solicitously. Huh!
Well, say, look a-here, aren't you sort
of afraid of that stuff? Malaria and all
that? Because l know half dozen fe-
lows that contracted horrible doses of
malaria from indulging in that camping
out foolishness last year, and now they re
just mooching around. mere physical
wrecks. They"
"Aw-r-r," he tries to rattle on, there
wasn't any malaria where we were. Pure
piney balsam air, and
What, piney balsam ar?" you chop
in at this Say haven't you been read
ing what that German scientific sharp
been saying lately about piney balsam
air.? He says that it's dangerous at
mosphere to breathe, and he says that
it's liable to give campers all KINDS OF
severe kidney troubles. Come to look
YOU over, you're bit gallery and greeney
about the mouth, even IL your nose is
red, and"
Don't listen to all the rot you hear,
he replies to this, beginning, all the same,
to sort of curl up and look inwardly
alarmed why, shucks, we led the ideal
hygienic life. Cooked all or our own
grub. and--
YES. and probably exposed all of the
food that you cooked to the newly dis
covered kinds of forest bacteria, you
ring in on him at this point The
bureau of forestry has recently published
a brochure, giving a list of seven hundred
and ninety-eight thousand different kinds
of bacteria which infest the forests OF
North America and that infect the food
of campers when the food is cooked in
the open, and, by Jove. now that L look
at YOU still more closely, l can see dis
tinct evidences of ptomaine poisoning all
over your chart. and if l were You L d
beat it Just as fast as my moccasins 'ud
carry me to some medical sharp that
knows his business and"
This'll about get him. He'll wise UP o
1t by degrees, as you speed on, that If
you are not kidding him, you are too
much of an idiot to be used as a Patsie
for his vacation experiences. and nine
times out of ten he'll nudge on to the
next yard and tell the man sitting in
there all about what he cid and what
he didn't do while he was camping out.
Another and still r4!ore delightfully."-
mean and contemplate way of hushing
UP the returned yacationer who is just
nachully bound and determined to pin
you to a stanchion and tell you all
about it is TO pull it on him that he
has taken. his vacation altogether too
early
well, l sure did hand that old board
Evening star., 1909-07-17
The Boy and the Book.
SSTHE late Edward Everett Hale
said q RnStnn nnapaZine edit.

SSTHE late Edward Everett Hale, .
said a Boston magazine editor,
was a great student of child life.
DIR. Hale once dilated to me on the in
corrigibly bad taste in books that chill
dren have. He instanced the case of his
own son, now a famous architect, whose
taste liz had a hard time forming.
The little boy 1t seemed, cared only
for the sensational in literature. Jack
Harkaway and Deadwood Dick seemed to
him the very topmost pinnacle of literary
excellence. He yawned over the splendid
historical works his father read to him.
One day. however, DIR. Hale had a
gleam of hope The little boy brought
him volume of English history and said /:
VIII YOU read me some more out OF
this. please?
Why, certainly. my boy the father
answered cordially. What part would
you like 10 have?'
Read me- said the little boy about
Mary Queen Of Scots getting her head cut
off and the blood all running down her
back "
Evening star., 1909-07-17

They pin you TO hot, steamy buildings.
they corral you in Office corridors that
are cul de sacs, they nail you on street
cars, they swoop on you in your front
yard at eventime, they sit on the edge of
your desk and breathe their breath on
your tousled hair-telling you all about
their vacation experiences.
Their idea of the thing is that you've
got TO listen.
And if you refuse to listen, they have
cherished opportunity to proclaim You
as a crab, a grump and a crouch.
Now. in connection with this vacation
thing, two facts stand out monolithically.
viz:
Fact I. All vacation experiences are
exactly alike. and have been ever since
the era of the Hyksos Kings of Egypt.
Fact =. The only vacation experiences
that can possibly have any interest for
you are your own vacation experiences.
Being thoroughly cognizant of these
two facts, it iS. natural that you don't
care TO listen TO anybody's vacation ex-
periences.
But how not to2
You can't be boorish about ii, you know
When. for example the fellow in the next
office to yours burst into your workroom
Evening star., 1909-07-17

We'll, a heap OF things that were un-
usua, in my experience happened during
those few days that | spent at home.
One morning, along toward noon, | heard
some plinkety- -plunking In the court and
| looked out. There was dead game
sport of a young darky. all logged out
like polite vaudeville moke, playing the
guitar and singing. He was some singer.
too He sang one tremendously African
ese song. called 'Emphatically No-o-o'
that like tove tickled me to death. and
I made him do it over again. There
were other fellows and their wives stand
ing at their apartment windows listen
ing, and when the singer was through
we all rained silver on him. | know
tha, I got my moneys worth, too-chunk
right out of a variety show brought right
TO my door. SO to speak.
ION another morning there was a fell
low in the court who could make a harp
Just whimper and sing, together with a
couple of fiddlers. and they got the
change. too, from folks with their heads
out of apartment windows, mine included.
Fact is, / spent a lot of time rubbering
out of the front windows. 1 never be-
fore understood how women folks man
aged to get SO much fun out of that sort
of thing. Why. say, 1 saw thousand
things that I'd never noticed before.
Evening star., 1909-07-17

on a hot morning, 1rradiatlng the SlArlnS
establishment with the effulgence of his
to bawl at you. Say, old hawss, y'ought
to've been with me up at Moosehead
Lake-sa-ay, l caught some fish up there,
honest, cross m heart. that"
gins to drool these things, grab him by
the lapel OF his office coat, impale him
with a stony, fixed gaze, and say things
to him in essence about as follows:
Wait! Wait! Stop right where you are!
Tin that tinkle Can that comedy! Pack
away that piscatorial persfiage. Tut-tut.
not another word out o. you! Sh-sh-sh,
now-shut up! / am not going to listen
unto you. 1 won't do it. / don't have
to. and 1 shant and shall not. know
all about the fish that You caught in
Moosehead Lake, and If 1 don't know
I'm DANCED glad of 1t. But, be that as II
may. and far be it from me, YOU re not
going to sit on the edge of my uesk'
swinging your legs and kicking all the
enamel off the sides, and tell me al
about your rnizZable, two-by-four' orhefs'
nickel ride, git thar-by-switchoaek' NJ
eoshswoggled vacation-not by Two OF
three whole handfuls Of human halr' are
YOU. You're pretty decent people as 1olhs
60. and. yes, I did used to go to the
Force School with you twenty-four years
ago and all like that-Im not denying
that. I'm not denying that you have
certain sort of a claim, based upon long
friendship and things, upon me- I'm not
DENYING anything. except that you are not
a-going TO cyclone in here like STAN
NEEDED maverick and whistle an endless
ahantev of that s-what-they-all-say Vaca-
tion Junk at me just because you consider
me good d-natured and helpless; YOU are
not a-going 10 uncoil an interminable
spool OF moving picture films of every
hody just-t -the-same vacation expert
ences on me merely because. seeing that
| haven't been out of Washington myself
this summer you consider me soft meat.
Diye get that? You are not. You can
do ANYTHING else you like. You can Kick
the office cat, dump the ink on my install
ment Office rug mix up my office ftles. or
hat holes in my typewriter-the machine
I mean. of course-or I'll lend you eight
dollars and a half if you need it-out you
are not a-soing to tell me about your va
cation. and that's all there is to 1t. Are
YOU getting me-? ,.
You can't do it that-a-way. why, OF
course not. That would be almost impo-
lite If nothing else
But there are ways Of tagging the gar
rnIity of the returned vacationers; pien-
Evening star., 1909-07-17

walk a rafting good three weeks wal
lop,' he pants at you when he squeezes
you into the sunny seat of the street
car. Il just more than dented it up.
and
you don't mean to say. YOU rebate
at him, handing him a carefully assumed
expression of amazement. that you've
been on your vacation already and re-
turned from it?'
"Why, sure he replies looking a bit
chapfallen at that, but, pshaw, a feller' $
got to adjust his vacation to the con-
venience of his office, and"
'Oh. l know, 1 know" you say to him,
shaking your head sorrowfully, '4but man.
alive, it's pitiable to think of what you'll
have to go through for the remainder Of
the long. long Washington summer. Why.
here 1t is only mid-July. and you've got
the rest of July to steam through, and
then the blazing month of August in
Washington, and you know what August
is In this Iman's town, and September is
a slzzler here. too, and Well. it's too
bad, that's all. l feel sorry for you, old
tup, really
BY this time he's begun to feel sorry for
yourself, particularly when you dwell
with fine descriptive emphasis upon the
length and burningness Of the Washington
summer.
We'll. / had good time, anyhow, he
tries to kick in, 'and say, if / overlooked
any bets, why"
But, you poor, pathetic old rum, YOU
toss at him, Atlantic City doesn't begin
to wake up at all before the first of
August, you know, so that you must
have merely imagined that YOU had
a good time. Before the first Of
August the bunch down there is composed
mainly of excursionsts from Altoona
Pottsville, Conshohocken. and SO on. But
the real kazizz gang doesn't think of
swooping on the big Boardwalk till after
the first of August. That's the time to
hit that Appian way OF the sea. 20
bad. too bad, old fellow. honest. And
then, too, as / say, you've left such "A
whopping bit chunk of the steamy,
sizzling, burning, baking, roasting, pan
ming. griddling. boiling. stewing. murder
Gus Washington summer to be put in vet
Oh, it's sad. honest. and ! feel for YOU,
really. BY the way I'm Just leaving
Washington for my six weeks cation
next Tuesday week. Yep. going down TO
Atlantic City myself. Well, s'long. I'll
think of you when I'm down there. Think
of you crawling around here on the
sticky, heel-holdiDg pavements. and III
feel sorry all over again. as I do now, that
you didn't defer your vacation till later
time. Oh. well, better luck next time,
you poor old gink S'long.''
And you step off the running board of
Evening star., 1909-07-17
An Impressive Epitaph.

"H. II, ROGERS ,i,l'-n was lenlen,; T.,; ,ol t. !.
that for him.
The speaker. a New York broker. sat
with newspaper and cigar on an Atlantic
City pier.
"A clerk in Rogers employ" he went
on, once stole Si0D Mr. Rogers on dis
covering the theft did nothing. He KEPT
the clerk on. he let him pay back the
stolen money In small installments, he
even promoted him. That thievlng clerk
today stands high in Standard OIL.
The broker laughed
Il don't know whether that means that
he is reformed or degenerated, he ad-
mitted. 1.-The point, anyhow is this: Mr..
Rogers was a mercful and tolerant man
TO the weak and erring.
Il complimented him on that trait one
day at board meeting lie quoted to
me in reply an epitaph. famous and
beautiful epitaph. He said he would like
to have such an epitaph on his own tomb
The epitaph was this:
Here lyeth poore John Hildebrode,
Have mercy on his soule. Lord God.
As he would doe il he were God
And Thou vert poore John Hildebrode."
Evening star., 1909-07-17
SUMMER BOARDING. HOUSE SEARCH AND ITS DIFFICULTIES

wouldn't live in if somebody paid me a
hundred a week for doing it,
Well. | began, ri let you know-er-
hum-lemme see-would tomorrow morn
ing before O'Clock be all right?'
No, you jes' know you're not comm
back no more. said the landlady TO me in
reply to that.
".Well, that's right / said, as ! edged
my wife down the stairs. Sure, | know
il. haven't got the remotest intention of
coming back. ] haven't had from the
beginning. I've only been shoveling south
breeze at you, for l wouldn't live here if
you'd give me the entire row. OF course
/ am not coming back. Sure thing and
then my wife and / were out OF the front
door.
We'll. | pulled il right that time,
didn't I?' / said to my wife.
Didn't make any false promises. but
just told her right, now, didn't I?'
~ think you were wantonly brutal
about it., my wife replied.
Now what dye think o that? Aren't
women the unreasonable crazies?"