davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26
Man and His DOG.

He lies in front of me curled up be.
fore the fire. as SO many dogs must
have lain before SO many fires. l sit
ON one, side Of that hearth as SO many
men must have sat BY SO many
hearths. Somehow this creature has
completed my manhood; somehow.
cannot explain why, a man ought tc
have q dog. A man ought to have si1
legs; those other four legs are part
of him. Our alliance Is older thar
any of the passing and priggish expla
nations that are offered of either OF
US; before evolution was, we were
You can find 1t written in book that
I am a mere survival of squabble OF
anthropoid apes, and perhaps l am. :
am sure I have no objection. But my
dog knows l am man, and you will
not find the meaning Of that word
written in any book as clearly as 1t ID
written in his sOul.-G. X. ChestertOn
In London News.
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26
HIS TALK VERY EDIFYING.
Ministers Parrot Guides an Old
lady's Pervsrse Bird Into More
Decent Speech.

Rev. Philip C. Fletcher. the most
eloquent and popular of st. Louis
younger clergymen, was discussing
the other day the sermon wherein he
said he saw no harm in cosmetics.
what 1 meant in that sermon"
said Mr.. Fletcher. smiling, was that
q woman owed it to herself to make
the most of her looks. According tc
some people. I advised every woman
to lay on powder and paint with q
towel. l would never think of giving
such advice, of course. Such advice.
coming from the pulpit. would have .
strange s0und-as strange a sound as
the talk of the minister's parrot.
"A certain minister, you know.
called on an old lady. and found q
new parrot in her parlor. This parrot
kept saying every little while:
81 wish the old girl would die!'
1.-THE minister turned his head to
conceal q smile.
"'But l think l can set this matter
right for you. dear madam he said
4, too. have q parrot. as you know. 1t
is q very honest bird. Its talk is very
edifying. I'll send 1t here; and 1t will
soon guide your own parrot into de
cent speech
HE sent on his parrot that evening
The grateful old lady put the birds
side by side. Then. with a pleased
smile. she prepared to listen to their
conversation.
81 wish the old girl would die said
the parrot host.
"And the guest rolled his eyes and
detained sOlemnlw
1--WE beseech Thee to hear us. good
LOrd!'"
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26
Dramatic Protest in Church.

In a Northumberland tEng) coast
village chapel recently the preacher
referred to Christ's fishermen dis
ciples as rough, ignorant, uncOuth
types of men," Hey. stop that. mis-
ter" dramatically interrupted fish
erman worshiper. Don't talk that
way about fishermen" continued the
interrupter. who went on to loudly de
clare that they were as good as those
in any other walk of life. COngrega
ton and preacher were alike so sur.
prised at the incident that the man de
livered his protest unchecked. The
pastor afterYards resumed his ser
mon.
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26
Mr.. Chamberlain as the Butler.

The foreign Office staff of the kings
house service messengers has just lost
one of its members. to whose nick
name. "Sir Joseph" a story belongs. II
occurred when Mr.. Chamberlain was
at the colonial Office
One night, or rather very early In
the morning. the messenger was sent
to Princes Gardens with an important
cabinet circulation" Mr.. Chamberlain
was working late and had sent all his
servants to bed, and the messenger had
to wait long time before getting an
answer to his knock.
At last he gave laundering rat-tat
and presently had the satisfaction of
seeing some one whom he supposed to
be the butler appear in answer to his
call, wearing a plain smoking jacket
and smoking clay pipe. "Oh," said
the messenger, you have come at last
have you? There's no hurry. It's only
a message from the prime minister"
The "butler" smiled serenely, and the
messenger, then recognizing his man.
stammered out: Il beg your pardon
Sir Joseph, / have dispatch box fol
YOU"
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26

American Respect for Education.
There Is something in America b.
sides money and politics. America
realizes the importance Of education
and the respect due to those who are
entrusted with the great work Of pre-
pairing men for their part In life
When Dr. Eliot resigned the prest
dency of Harvard university the whole
country treated 1t a an event Of the
first importance and realised the re
sponsibility resting upon the overseerk
in the selection Of his successor
When 1t comes to the selection Of Q
governor, a senator. IN Ambassador,
q president even. Americans are care
less, for while their politicians may do
harm 1t il seldom lasting. but It 10
different with the president Of Har
ward. Only the man fitted by learning
and character and temperament II
deemed worthy Of being considered. &C
great is the respect in which the ONCE
Ia held.-Nation Review.
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26
TEACHING NOTHING.

DR.. Howe, president of Case school.
Cleveland, never fails to express HE
vexation when he has student cali
the zero of mathematics nothing. One
Of the students, Morgenthaler by name
would almost invariably read an equa
ton like this, plus y equals 0, as fol
lows: * plus y equals nothing" One
day DR.. Howe lost his long-endurins
patience. "See here, Morgenthaler, let
me show you the difference between
zero and nothing"
With this DR.. Howe wrote a big 0 on
the blackboard. This" he said. "is
Zero" Then erasing the 0, he added:
And this is nothing. "-Lppincott's
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26
GREAT VOLCANO IN SAMOA.
IN Eruption Nearly -Four Years and
Has Emitted Enormous Mass
OF Molten Lava.

Letters recently received In this city
from people who. j0urneying across the
Pacific made q stop at Samoa. give
some idea Of the stupendous volcanic
outburst that Is going on in the island
Of Savii. German Samoa. This volcano
broke out three and . half years ago.
but 1t Is so far away from the usual
lines of travel across the Pacific that
but little has been learned Of its activ-
ity. 1t has been in constant eruption
the whole of that time and must have
thrown out a far more enormous mass
of molten matter than has any other
volcano within historic times. The
fiery river that flows from q great rent
in the side of the mountain Is eight
miles wide and has buried under its
lava about sixty square miles of cOun-
try. The activity of the volcano and
the amount Of the low are increasing.
Hills 600 feet high have been sub
merged and valleys as deep have been
filed to their rims with the molten
rock. The outflow Of the volcano has
been estimated to be at least 100000
tons q minute. BY the side Of such q
mass as that, kept up steadily for more
than three years. the disg0rgings Of
Vesuvius would be no more than q
spoonful.
As the island Of Savii is very sparse
ly inhabited, evn by the natives, while
its white population consists Of few
missionaries and traders, there has
been but little damage to life or prop
erty in the neighborh0od of the vol
cano. To the seismOlogist. however.
this island offers fruitful subject for
study. although its remote situation
has as yet kept 1t out of the reach OF
science.
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26
JolLYn,c A JOKER
YOUNG WOMAN GOT EVEN WITH
MERRY JESTER.
Had % Sit Up Late @ Do u. but the
Trick Was Aeeompliahed-
Victims Rather Lame
EXCUSE for Call.

To start with-Robert L. Beck II
the most diligent practical Joker in
Cleveland and environs, with the one
possible exception of Johnny Bren-
nan.
Among the regular victims Of
Beck's jokes and jests are crowd Of
young women. friends of his wife.
A pair of these young women lowed
one evening that they would get
square with Beck. The joke they
planned required them to sit up far
beyond their bedtime. but they didn't
let that prey on their minds.
At about 1:2O q. m. Beck was
aroused from . sound sleep by the
ringing Of tho telephone. He crawled
out of bed. yawnfully. took down the
receiver. and learned that woman
cousin or something Of that
sort-was lying critically i'll at her
home In the other end Of town.
Beck. then fully awake. inserted
himself quickly into his trousers and
other things. and hustled out to wait
for an owl car.
He had some dimculty getting in at
the home Of his relative. Everybody
seemed to be sleeping just as soundly
as he haG been up to the time that his
telephone rang. It began to dawn
ON him that perhaps he didn't have q
monopoly on the practical joke game
In this community. At last q servant
came to the door. II was then just
2::O O'Clock.
Beck inquired how everybody was.
The servant, wonderingly, replied that
everybody had retired In the best Oi
health. But why? Was any one there
supposed to be i'll!
Beck was on. when he heard that
He was indeed the victim of joke
But a man does not like to admit that
he is q joker's victim. And in this In
stance he didn't think 1t was wise to
have his relative shocked by the news
that her state of health was a matter
of telephone discussion In the middle
of the night.
%. no. l didn't think anybody was
SICK" Beck told the servant. "Just tell
the family that I was walking by. and
thought I'd drop in and inquire how
they we're. No, no. didn't want any
thing special. Just took a notion tc
drop in. don't you know. Well, must
be OF. Beautiful night. isn't it?"-
Cleveland Plain Dealer.
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26
l.As A PERSISTENT H0oD00.
ar. Oliver J. Goslington Gives Faint
Outline Of the Troubles That
Pursue Him.

81 don't know why 1t is" said Mr..
Goslington, but when l travel l al
ways seem to get the worst of 1t In
some way; II there's anything going
that isn't pleasant 1t comes to me.
Yesterday l made little trip to
place about fifty miles from the city.
went to the station early to get
seat by a window. l managed that all
right; I got q window seat and just
where l wanted, not at the end of the
car, but about two-thirds back from
the 'front.'. where I would ride easy and
at the same time have something to
look at ahead, and of course that all
pleased me very much.
AT the first station out there got
aboard the car at the forward end
seven men. q very assorted lot of men,
some tall. some short, some thick.
some thin, and among them one man
of phenomenal proportions, q giant of
a man. with legs sticking out beneath
and a head projecting up on top. and
then watched with fearful interest
the procession as It started down the
car. for l was seized with. q mOrta.
terror that the big man would want
to sit with me. Really he ought not
to, for l sat twO-thirds Of the way
down the car and there were plenty Of
vacant seats ahead: but you never can
tell about a thing till it's settled.
Il watched that procession coming
with a great and fearful interest. the
big man bringing up the rear, and
then with increasing hOpefulness I
saw 1t dwindle as one member after
another Of 1t dropped out to take the
first seat he came to. until all were
seated except the giant. who was left
alone still four rows in front of me
and with three vacant seats In those
four rows to choose from. and then
my hope ran high. but he kept aeon.
ing and passed them all until he came
to mine. where he halted.
els this seat TAKEN? he said to
me. and what could I say but:
"'No, SIR and then he sat down.
sitting partly ON that vacant place in
the seat and partly on Oliver J. Cos
lingtOn. -.
so I drew the fat man after all;
but things like that happen to me
whenever I travel"
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26
india Victims of Tigers.

The ferocity of the tiger can be
seen from the fact that according to a
recent writer he is made responsible
for 81 per cent. Of the human beings
killed by the wild animals of Hindus-
tan. The writer adds that once a
tiger has tasted human flesh he is sat.
isfied with nothing else. and that in
southern India one of these man-eat
ing tigers has deyOured 200 human
beings
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26
Take q Cab.

A friend the other day came In b.
wailing tie ruin done to her pretty
shoes, frock, hat, ETC.. BY . heavy
shower, through having to wait for IN
omnibus. You ought to have taken q
cab" I told her. The idea Of such
extravagance quite appalled, her: yet
more than the amount spent would
have been saved to her wearing ap
parel. This fallacy of judgment 10
very common among women. ] have
observed.
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26
A Cjimmer of the Truth.

Asked to write report of lecture
on Phases of Human Life - Youth,
Manhood and Old Age" young Eng
lish girl produced: In youth We look
forward to the wicked things We will
do when we grow up-this is the state
of innocence. In manhood we do the
wicked things of which We thought in
our yOuth-this is the prime Of life.
In old age we are sorry for the wicked
things we did in manhood-this is the
time of our dotage."
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26
vivjsection.

IN the agony of death a dog hat
been known to caress his master, ant
every one has heard of the dog SUI
fering under vivisectiOn, who Ticket
the hand of the operator; this man
unless the operation was fully just
fed by an increase of our knowledge
or unless he had heart of stone
must have felt remOrse to the las
hour of his life."-"Descent Of Man,
AppletOn's. 1906 edition. page 20.
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26
Something That Survived.

1t is my ambition, said the earnest
Young man, Ito write something that
will be handed down to posterity."
Well" answered Farmer Corntos
sci. "all | have TO say is be careful
how you go about it. My grandfather
wrote his name to a mortgage on his
farm and ii looks as if my grandchil
dren will have to go ahead struggling
with it,
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26

improvements on Cid Sayings.
"Never do things by halves.S unless
You open oysters. Whatever is worth
doing at all is worth doing well. Let
your motto be Excelsior" Single out
some specially for which you have
genius, then devote yourself to it thor.
oughly. and you won't have to look for
a job, the job will be looking for you.
The most brilliant men are often Ia
mentable failures. Be thorough! Stick
like the postage stamp-till you get
there. DOgged does it.
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26
HE Efforts Wasted.

Lecturer ON Art-"Before sit down
I shall be happy to answer any ques-
lions that any Of you may wish to
ask" Gentleman lin audience)-I
have enjoyed the lecture much. CIR.
and have understood II all except .
few technical terms. Win you please
tell me what you mean BY the words
perspective, fresc0. and mickleanje-
l0!" Necturer sits down discour-
aged. Tribune.
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26
Every Town In County "Dry."

Little Yates has the distinction OF
being the only county in the state that
is absolutely dry" Every town In
the county has voted no license. The
village of Penn Van, the county cap
ital, will use cold tea" as regular
beverage for the first time In 30 years.
Yates is the smallest county In the
state. and the tourist can cross 1t In
either direction before he gets very
thirsty without exceeding the speed
limit.-Utica IN. Y.) Press.
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26
Hard to Understand.

whats Johnny been dOing?" asked
the patient father.
"He had an alteration with the
neighbOrs' children, was warned by
the police, broke the cellar window
tried to put a cartridge in the furnace
and that's all can think of just now.
Its absolutely marvellous. isn't it,
What isl"
THAT anybody should have the
nerve to kidnap a small boy!"
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26
seton's Opinion Of the Wolf.

Seton's Opinion % the Wolf.
Ernest Thompson Seton is reported
as saying:
Il think animals capable Of crude
form of thought that cannot be ex
planned as instinct. Among the WILD
animals l regard the wolf as the most
intelligent. just rs people regard the
dog as most Intelligent among the
domestic brutes. But q dog II moth
ing but a wolf with q college educS
ton. The wolf has learned the dan
ger of the long distance rife. and ever
is rarely that man sees one. It can b
nothing short Of reason that causes
the wolf. formerly 30 bold. to act IL
this manner"
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26
HoiIanders Heavily Taxed.

Hoilanders Heavily Taxed.
All told. HOllander pays about IL
per cent. of his yearly income for
taxes. He is taxed for his business
income. for the interest he collects
on his house rent. his furniture. on
six fireplaces and all the stoves In the
house he rents or owns, on his horses
Of 2,4O0 a year he pays 1928.
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26
Keeping Up Appearances.

Husband (suddenly waking up at
dead of night)-What In the world
was that noise?
Wife (calmly)-lt's all right. dear.
The guests Of the Vanderbilt ball are
just coming home, and ! slipped down
and gave our front door slam. &C
the neighb0rs would think We were
there.-New York Weekly.
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26
Guarding Against EARTHQUAKES.

All great crises have stimulated the
creative faculty of mankind, and
earthquakes have. of course. earned a
full share of attention: The most
original notion in this connection was
put forth by a genius who quite salts
fed himself that If houses were pro-
vided with wheels or rollers they
would move about backwards and for.
wards during an earthquake and es-
cape disaster
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26

No other remedy can be compared with
Rexall Orderlies for the easy, pleasant and
successful treatment of constipation. Yoa
may have back the money you pay Us for
them If they fail to satisfy you. Eat them
like candy any time of day or night. They
don't griPe or cause any annoyance what
ever. Two sizes, Toe. and ssc.
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26
Mertsaae On q Cat.

A mortgage on . cat Il not often
heard Of. However, the other day
there was fled In the recorders ONCE
. chattel mortgage the consideration
of which was so. The property on
which the money was secured was de-
scribed - . eat called John. Co
lumbus Dispatch.
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26
ECONOMY IN A LONDON INN.


Mr.. Craig WadsWorth, one Of the
secretaries to the embassy at London.
tells how an American. who Was Jour.
neying through the midland counties
Of England. encountered in . certain
town rather pretentious inn, q which
he ordered turbot-a favorite dish in
those parts.
The American had had few days Of
dense fog. and his appearance and
manner perhaps showed that he had b.
come little wheezy In consequence Of
the climate. He Wa. indeed. forced tc
have frequent recourse to his handler.
chief.
guest fancied. even before 1t reached
his plate. that 1t was NO longer fresh:
and an attempt to eat 1t confirmed that
impression. He called the proprietor.
who at once sent q waiter for fresh
turbot and removed the Objectionable
dish.
Il beg your pardon. SIR" said the
inn-keeper. but We got the idea. cir.
a. you came In. that you 'ad Q bad cold
in your 'ead, sir"
And suppose had? What would
that have to do with my being served
spoiled fish,? demanded the indignant
traveller.
"Heverythink. sir. We as this rule
in this '0use: Fish a is q little doubt.
full, like that ere, sir-them which ~
lost the favor Of youth, ~ may say
them We serves to parties AZ appears
to ave colds In their 'eads. sir: and
We finds that. bein' as such parties
can't smell nothink. they likes the
fsh just AZ well. sir. and h0ften they
prefers 'em!"-Illustrated Sunday Mag
azine.
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26

The owners Of grain godowns and
warehouses IN Calcutta are compelled
by municipal regulation to pave With
concrete to prevent the insress Of
rats, which. IL ID believed. win aid ma
terially in the determination OF this
active distributor Of the plague germ.
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26
PILES! PILES! PILES!

Williams Indian Pile Ointment will cure
Blind. Bleeding and Itching Piles. 1t absOrbs
the tumors sllays itching at once. acts as pOul-
tice. gives instant relief. Williams Indian Pile
Ointment is prepared for Piles and itching Of the
private parts. Sold by druggists, mail hOc and
$780, Williams Mfg. Co.. Props.. Cleveland. o
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26
Circumstances and Cases.

Il want you." said Mr.. Dustin Stax,
Ito show that this law is unconsti
tutional. Do you think you can man.
age it,"
Easily" answered the attorney.
"Well. 60 ahead and get familiar
with the case"
I'm already at home in It. I know
my ground perfectly. It's the same
law you had me prove was consti.
tutional two years ago."
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26

Fewer 0istilleries in Sweden.
Fifty years ago there we're 5000 dis
tilleries in Sweden, but that number
has now been reduced to 1872.
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26
Tho Only Aiternstlve.

Mother Ito her daughter -What u
your father making such . row about
In the other room? Either the doctos
has forbidden him to smoke or he n
now asking him for your hand.-Bae
gende Blaetter.
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26
FRITZ w. A. PAUL
Professor OF MVSi6

Violin and Piano. all Brass and Reed Instru-
mente.
At home for intending students Tuesdays
and Fridays g to p. m, at No. lOlS Washington
Avenue.
Telephone, Bell Black 21s. P.O. Box 81
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26
Musical.

Musical.
The rattle of pans and dishes in the
kitchen sounds better than classical
music to q hungry man.
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26

The August meteors. according 70 .
leading astronomer. form . stream %
broad that the earth. though II travels
faster than Is miles q second, takes
seven weeks to cross Il.
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26

Use for Electric Heating Devices.
Electric heating devices are success
fully employed for branding cigar
boxes.
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26

= Nov" said the distinsuished rep.
resentative. I'VE have arranged the
tariff precisely - Il should b and all
you have 10 Do - to say Amen
mo-" answered the dist1nguishea cen.
ator. mot amen amend"
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26

Husbands Take Second Place Now.
In the day when women sat at home
and did needlework they may possibly
have had time to be interested In
their husbands careers. To-day their
own careers monopolize their atten'
tiOn.-L0ndon Ladies' Field.
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26

And How Few Do!
Mans chief wisdom consists in
knowing his lies.-RochefOucauld.
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26
u-oeodssHh ~ C0a1

By-Product Of Coal.
Pigments of more than 400 different
colors are secured from coal.
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26

And the Proper One.
The road leading to justice 10 the
safest
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26
uulou PaeIFIe
TINE TABLE
Daily exeept 0andAy.

NOTE:
Non. I. z land ars extra fas0 trains.
NOs. 4, s, = and u ere local passeaOssa.
Mo-. s. and = asO local frsiGhte.
Noa. md y ase nail tnins oaly..
No. - de- IN OnahA as p. u.
No. 3 dno In Omaha $40 p. U.
The Columbus journal. (Columbus, Neb.) 1874-1911, 1909-05-26

taken Ike LOOKING over
photographs to be had Zone ana
judge for yourself Def1nNI d oOIO'
Evening bulletin. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu, Hawaii]) 1895-1912, 1909-06-23

Passenger Rates S. First $780, Trip Fr't Glass
$1,000
The LURLINE this linz will sail Francisco d.
RECT, about July End, 1909.
For further particulars apply TO
CASTLE G COOKE. LTD. Agents.