Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-08-14
Shorty Ferris.

I Shorty Ferris.
to agree 4 guy in Mssoula comes
Dustin into print with tn theory that tn
fountain av eternal youth is locked up
| in stewed prunes. For ninety years I've
had nawthin' to eat but few
we'll chewed stewed and seedless
prunes. Look at me. I'm nearly
hunderd an tin years old. an as lively
as cricket Gawd help tn cricket, say
l, KNOWN that they're maxim prunes
over at the harness shop, because it's A
dull season.
; Another galvot from Grand Rapids
seZ that prunes Is soocidal-that they're
nawthin' but the homes av TIL most de-
| structive mycrobes.
For breakfast ! generally such
lemon, seq this guy. That costs me
| about two cents. an l put the change,
from a nickel or a dime into a clay pig
on the mantel. TIL, acid drives ali
tn germs from me body An I'm sure
av it, say /. Fer midday meal
| drink glass water with three drops
.'Tink av it, Red When TIL whistle
blows an the hod an shovel fall to
earth, this geeZer stuffs himself with
| three drops av milk entirely surrounded
| by water. When TIL ignorant masses are
slowly KILN 'emselves with corn beef
| an cabbage cold tea, an TIL apprentice
| boys is bringing back tn suds from
the place on tn corner. this gent is
| prolonging his life an creatin' terrific
| fear among the undertakers. He belongs
to a health club. tn several hunder'd
| members which all get their three
drops o. milk outer tn same quart bot
| tie. They suck EN- up with a sterlized
medicine dropper. An tn money he
saves on lunch goes into tn pig bank.
| Imitation Food for Dinner.
Fer dinner continues this jeenius, I
have boonch O. kale broiled SO as to
resemble a steak, or sparrergrass fixed
up like roast chicken.
His meals fer tn day cost him about
8 cents at TIL most. Supposn' he was
| Twin on tn outlaw diet that me an you
| is KILN ourselves on. 'twould be costin'
| him about one buck from breakfast i'm the
| mornin to tn time he busts open tn ice
| chest to take a nightcap o. cold Frank
futter before turnin' in. So he saves about
81 cents on the likes of US, and II all
| goes into the pig hank.
IT don't know whether he's savin' 1T up
for real feed some day or whether he's
maxim pervision fer his family. They'll
be needin' II soon. tubby sure.
| Don't drink milk-they's my-crobes in
ut roars another dyspetic from Koula-
Il koula, Wis. who's boostin' some sort OF
mineral water, made OF Missouri river an
horse shoes
milk. milk, milk, tree times a day
but be sure it's from our dairy persists
the proprietor OF the Pink Ribbon
Creamy. Beware of cows milk seq
lie into believin' he's on the square. Be-
ware OF cows milk. It's full OF typhoid
Buy my milkaline in Sc cans an avoid
tn horrors of an 'arly grave.
Il "They's no germs In milkaline, Red. L
know! Because I use 1t for whitewashin.
i ..They's a man that has writ a book that
tells We to chew everything yo' eat forty
good hard chews. From tripe down 10
crusher to do what the book calls mas
ticate' the food. Imagine the Ancient
Order o. Free Lunch Robbers standin I'm
front o. tn big lunch that O'Donnell puts
out and givin' forty chews to every
thing they panhandle They'd get in
i about eighty chews on two pieces o
bologny. when O'Donnell would start 'em
rollin' toward the entrance. As It's now.
they get about eighty pounds. all taken
without chews afore even O'Donnell finds
out that tn profit on a f-cent drink o
beer is bein' eaten up across the floor.
Shorty Eschews Chewing Grain.
"They's another gazabo that has it in
his nut that because the horse an tn cow
| live on grain an vegetable matter an
chew 'em considerable We should never
fail to chew grain, such as rice and hay.
! Also because tn beasts that live on meat
gobble it down sumthin' awful we should
do the same. I've no objections to gettin'
! it down quick-but how In tn name
goodness is fellow goin to eat ham
sandwich or a bit O. hash. bot o which
is composed O. meat and vegetable, to-
gether?
CALM distance O. the 'Mergency Horse
/ pital I know why now. The frightful
/ ravages o. the menu card on tn stomach
o. the poor guy that eats a square meal
makes it NECESSARY to have medical sci
ence nearby.
"Supposin' I take a lady to dinner in
tn red ploosh dinin room in a great
| hotel II We follow tn laws o tn health
and food sharps what chanel have We
/ got to git sumthin' TO eat? None.
They's little necks an blue pints to start
wit, but tn books say that tn shells
| is tn only healthy part to eat. They's
pickles, but each one contains a death
| watch; they'S soup-cons ummay tits
| called-but no matter whatchye call 1t.
it's p'ison: and besides yo can't chew
| 1t forty times. Supposin' its In tn shad
season. tbey's great danGereav shadritis;
much blood fer tn veins to carry: roas'
beef is gen'rly from cold storage. Pork
chops have trichinosis; veal takes four
hours and twenty minutes TO digest:
Irish stew amt fashionable; stewed tripe's
SO tough yo don't have time to ate 1t by
tn mastieation method; potaties sweiis
TIL STOMACH; corn beef-oh, horrors!
yo' d better eat a mummy; cabbage Is so
| cheap the head waiter won't serve yo'
| with any: ice cream is tn abidin' place
| o. millions o. things they call toe-manes:
| cake is turrible BLUM; ii amt cake at
all-it's arsenic: a sausage Is the cover
| to yer coffin: pot o cawfee makes the
brain dull shoot yerself before yo' take
| bit o. cheese.
AN there y are. What happens? We
| an tn lady looks it all over an she
eats custard pie with a indicated
sponge. an / take two eggs that has
| been treated with cocaine.
But I'll do nawthin o. tn kind. Red.
| II I'm goin' to die I'd ruther die from
| food than from bein scared to death by
1t. I'd ruther approach heaven rubbin'
| tn bacon off me chin than lookin' like
needed to spend a term O. years In tn
| infirmary. So long. Red"