davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19
An Unnatural Conclusion.
From Town Topics.

EIOU lOM1l lO)lcS
Now she was GnSconced with her
sweetest and most cherished girl friend
in a corner of the piazza. and | seated
just inside the French window behind
a massive rubber plant.
Rather significant Vegetation under
the circumstances. for, curious as to
maiden condolences, candor compels
me to admit l listened.
The bride in prospect cooed her bliss
soulfully into her neighbours ear but
through an opening In the leaves /
could observe that the later bit her
lips now and then, and did not appear
enthusiastically joyous or congratua-
tory, as warranted by the occasion.
But the innocent cooling and amorous
gurSling did not cease.
And to think. to think" quoth she.
that such heavenly bliss as fell to my
lot might have escaped me forever.
Dear Dob. Did | ever tell you he had
proposed to me twice."
Then the unsympathetic auditor as
sumed an air of innocence.
Didn't you hear him the first time p
she inquired with raised eyebrows
She is not going to be the maid OF
honor.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19
Dramatic Humor in China.

y.
At most towns we have called at
theatricals formed one of the sights
The din and discord of the band at
tracted US more than once even If the
play had no fascination. 1t matters
little or not at all to foreigner what
the plot is all about. as this drags on
for two or three days, sometimes long
Ell. We witnessed screaming act
which was evidently the punishment
inflicted on the villains of the drama.
Three men in almost a state of nudity
We're being soused with buckets of wa
ter and making funny grimaces as the
cold douche was dashed in their faces.
Judging by the frantic shouts of the
audience this Situation" was evidently
the height of dramatic humor, and as
we stroled away the poor villains were
still taking their punishment as stage
villains should
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19
Not Reliable.
From the Chicago Post

From the Chicago Post.
Sir" said the sleek looking agent,
approaching the desk of the meek,
looking man and opening one
of those folding. thingumajigs showing
styles of binding. II believe 1 can in
terest you in this set of books contain
ing the speeches of the worlds greatest
orators. Seventy volumes 81 down and
81 month until the price $780, he's
been paid. This set of books gives you
the most celebrated speeches Of the
greatest takers the world has ever
known and"-
Let me see the index" said the meek
man. The agent hands it to him and
he looks through it carefully and
methodically running his finger along
the list OF names. Reaching the end.
he hands the index back to the agent
and says:
1T isn't what you claim 1t is. / hap
pen TO know the greatest talker in the
world. and you haven't her in the in
dex"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19
Pointed Paragraphs.
From the Chicago News.

One thing every woman is willing to
undergo is a new bennett.
The laxative seamstress occasionally
loses the thread of her discourse.
Turn about isn't fair play when the
peroxide blonde becomes brunette
again.
A womans face may be her fortune-or
the making of some druggists fortune.
And If you are afraid to ask for what
you want the chances are that some one
will hand you lemon
When some people get busy it is always
In connection with something that is none
of their business.
AS matter of fact your neighbors think
Just as disagreeable things about you as
you think about them.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19


less than 100 boys in attendance would
never be termed public school. 1t
may have moro than the requisite num-
Der and still be only u private institu
ton.
Although the scholarship OF the pub
lie schools is of high order and the.
clever boy receives special attention, n
certain amount of freedom Is granted
which a smaller or different school
would not permit Indeed In some OF
the Older schools. the rules and regu-
lations are reduced to their lowest
terms. The discipline is largely in
trusted to the boys themselves. and so
strong is the element of tradition and
the inherited sentiment of the student
body that 1t is claimed, far better re-
suit is obtained by this method in the
character of the boy. His larger liber-
ty makes him free from certain ordi-
nary requirements of boarding
school; but his restrictions are in the
school body itself. and seldom does one
have the hardlhood to break through
| its unwritten laws
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19
nuNYoH,s EMINENT DOCTORS A
YOUR SERVICE FREE.
Not Penny to Pay for the Fullest
Medical Examination.

II you are in doubt as to the cause
of your disease, mail us postal re-
Questing a medical examination blank
which you will fill out and return to
US. Our doctors will carefully dag
nose your case, and If you can be
cured you will be told so; If you can
not be cured you will be told so. You
are not obligated to us In any way, for
this advice is absolutely free. You are
at liberty to take our advice or not, as
you sea fit. Send to-day for medi-
cal examination blank. I'll out and re-
turn to US. and our eminent doctors
will diagnose your case thoroughly.
absolutely free.
Munyon's. 5Sd and Jefferson streets.
Philadelphia, Pa.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19
|BIllY GOAT KILLS
| ENORMOUS PYTHON
Snake Bursts Blood Vessel in
Swallowing Animal With
Horns; Later Embalrned.

Logansport, Ind. Aug. ia goat,
d common, tin-can eating billy"
goat, caused the death of Royal
Rajah, python, which Gus Lamb
rigger was exhibiting here.
The python, which is said to have
been more than 100 years old, was II
feet long and weighed 800 pounds.
The snake yesterday aroused from
Its dormant state and showed signs
of hunger. Although John Hide
brandt, officer of the local humane
society, had served notice on Lamb
rigger ordering him to kill all ami
mails before giving them to the snake,
a live goat was forced into the
snakes feeding pen.
Covers With Saliva.
Tho huge python sprang forward
and wrapped its body about the ter
rif,ed goat The bones We're crushed
like egg shells and the snake then
began to cover the crushed body with
saliva When this was done ii start
ed to swallow the body whole. In
swallowing the goat one of its horns
became fastened and the snake in at
tempting to dislodge 1t burst an ar
terry and bled to death.
| The snake was emhalmcd, seven
gallons of fluid being necessary for
the Job.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19
His Twenty-cent Revenge.

FROM lue NEW 1OFR- Press.
She was in a very bad temper as she
boarded an Amsterdam avenue car.
Her temper was not improved by the
fact that as she drew a quarter OF a
dollar from her jeweled gold purse the
coin Slipped from her fingers and rolled
on the floor of the car She made no
move to recover the money, but when
the conductor came in to collect her
fare she pointed with the tip of her
handsome parasol to the coin.
Il dropped my fare" she said snap
pishly, pick it up"
The young conductor looked her in
the eye for just a moment and then
STOPPING. he picked the coin from be-
tween the stats on the floor covering
Leisurcly he took four niciles from his
pocket and put them where the quarter
had been before. Maybe it was the
effort Of bending that made his face red
When he Strengthened up he rang W
the fare. turned and sauntered back
to the rear platform.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19

kidney complaint. had sharp, agon-
izing pains and serious urinary trou-
BILE. | was tired and depressed and
nothing seemed to help me. Finally
Doan's Kidney Pills brought relief and
soon effected complete cure"
Remember the name-Doan's. Sold
by all dealers 80 cents box. Eos
ter Milburn Co., Buffalo, N. Y.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19
PILES CURED AT HOME BY
new ABSORPTION METHOD,

II you surfer from bleeding, itching. blind
ar protruding Piles, send me your address.
and I will tell you how to cure yourself a.
home by the new absorption trea tment; and
will also send some of this home treatment
free for trial. with references from your
own locality II requested. Immediate re-
lief aud permanent cure assured. Send no
money, but tell others of this offer. Write
today to Mrs. n. Summers, Box Q, Notre
Dame, Ind.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19

guOr, urinary trou-
bles make women
suffer untold misery.
Ailing kidneys are
the cause. Cure them.
Mrs. Irene Tudor, l1S
N. Clagg ST., Belle
fontaine, Ohio, says:
Il thought my trou-
BILE incurable, as |
o,,ffarad co lnpo with
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19

From the ST. Louis Globe Democrat
II is extraordinary the number of
different notices and objects that may
be stamped upon cent, as shown in
the new coin. Among the others Linz
coins homely features will be as fire.
quently in the peoples pockets as they
have been in their rcvering memory.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19
IN AGONY WITH ECZEMA.
Whole Body Mas. of Raw, Bleed
Ing, TorturinK Humor-Hnir All
Fell Out-Hoped Death Would End
Fearful SunerlnE-In Despair
Cured by Cuticura.

ing, TorturinK Humor-Hnfr All
Fell Out-Hoped Death Would End
Fenrful SuHerlnE-In Despair
Cured by Cuticura.
words cannot describe the terrible
eczema l suffered with. 1t broke out
on my head and kept spreading until
1t covered by whole body. 1 was al
most n solid mass of sores from head
to foot. looked more like a piece of
raw beef than human being The
pain and agony endured seemed more
than ! could bear Blood and pus
ooZed from the great sore on my scalp,
from under my finger nails. and near
ly all over my body. My ears were so
crusted and swollen | was afraid they
would break off Every hair in my
head fell out could not sit down,
for my clothes would stick to the raw
and bleeding flesh, making me cry out
from the pain. My family doctor did
all he could. but got worse and
worse My condition was awful. I
did not think 1 could live and wanted
death to come and end my fri.htful
| sufferings.
"In this condition my mother-ln-law
| begged me to Try the Cutfcura Rem
edies. said ! would, but had no hope
Of recovery. But oh. what blessed re-
lief ! experienced after applying CEti-
cura Ointment. 1T cooled the bleeding
1 and itching flesh and brought me the
first real sleep had had in weeks 1t
was as grateful as ice to burning
/ tongue / would battle with warm
water and Cuticura Soap. then apply
/ the Ointment freely. l also took Cuti-
cura Rcsolvcnt for the blood In a
short time the sores stopped running,
the flesh began to heal, and | knew |
was to get well again. Then the hair
on my head began to grow, and in a
short time l was completely cured l
wish l could tell everybody who has
eczema to use Cutcura. Mrs VIM
Hunt, 135 Thomas ST., Newark, n. j..
Sept. %, 1908"
Potter Drug & Chem. Corp, Sole
Props. of Cuticura Remedies Boston.
---~-0-e---
A GENTLE CYNIc's MUSINGS.
From the Philadelphia Ledger.
Perhaps the reason the Goddess of Fame
is tickle is simply because she is a God
dess, and therefore necessarily feminine.
Where ignorance is bliss It's folly to BIZ
married.
It's a good plan TO tell the truth. pro
vided you don't do it out of pure cussed
ness.
Even the most learned of us never real
lie how little we know till small boy be
gins to ask questions.
| One-half the world doesn't know how
the other half can afford automobiles.
Many man boasts that his wife mad,
him what he is when she doesn't seem t.
, be particularly proud Of the job.
+ Doctors wouldn't make so much none,
If mothers didn't get scared SO easily.
Many a man prides himself in hi
, judgment when he Is merely a goot
. guesser.
A man may lead a double life, but tina
, doesn't count In the census.
Lots of people who know what not t.
say haven't sense enough not to say It,
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19
RefIections of a Rachelor

From the New York Press.
No matter what a college boys edu-
cation costs it's cheap to have him get
over it.
Just because "a woman has yellow
hair and black eyes Is no sign she
can't be deceptive.
What makes a bachelors life so lone
ly Is not having things charged to him
in all the shops.
The reason the baby didn't talk ear
Her is 1T was smart enough to want to,
but couldn't learn.
A woman has only two ideas of good
dressing show how much she can
put on and how little.
BY way of expediting the transmits
sion of letters, the Belgium postal aus
thorities have recommended that all
letters intended for Brussels should be
Enclosed in red envelopes, those for
other Belgian points in yellow and
foreign letters In green envelopes
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19
Each Other.

Let us help each other;
This day must we try;
Wait not for another,
Time is fitting by.
Let us cheer each other
Give the ready smile;
Thinking of another
Shortens every mile.
Let us love each other.
lis rule of gold
When we love another,
Love doth us enfold
Helen Elizabeth Coolidge.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19

Britain is at last awakening to the
absolute necessity of progress and the
highest kind of knowledge. British uni
versailles are opening technical colleges
rivaling the great German polytech-
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19

From the New York World
The initials. ". ID. b. on the Lin
coin cent commemorate the artists
name--and the bad taste. not to say
stupidity. of those who allowed them
to be placed there
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19

The woman who rejects a man when
he is wealthy and marries him when
he goes broke is not 50 different from
her sisters who rush down town early
in the morning to take advantage Of
the bargain counter reductions
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19

From the Baltimore Sun.
The new pennies are in great de-
mand. But so are the old dollars.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19
From the Syracuse s

From the Syracuse Standard-Post
Victor u. Bremen, who has managed
to get his initials on every humble PEN
ny, is one kind of an advertising sue
cess.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19
THE LINCOLN PENNIES.

F'rOm The 1'lttsburg GaZette-Times.
No decision has yet been rendered as
10 whether it is proper to put one of
the now Lincoln pennies in the church
collection basket.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19
His Mistake.

From the Denver Republican,
The vender of images, who had lust
been thrown out of u large office build
ing, wept bitterly as he looked ut the
torn clothes and broken wares.
Who did this" inquired the friendly
cop. I'm pinch ern, if YOU say the
word
NO, it was my fault" said the vic
tim, gathering Up the remains of a
plaster image. Il Insisted on trying to
sell a bust OF Noah Webster to a meet :
Ing of simplified spoilers. Denver Re-
publican.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19

Summer.
On the hill the bovine fingers
Idly chewing on her cud
In the bog the frogs small fingers
Make soft spashes in the mud.
In the wood the buglct tarries
Meath each cool. inviting tree
And where'er the sunlight carries
HUNS the yellow humble bee.
Now tho hoppergrass is gayly
Skipping where the grass is shorn,
And the caterpillar daily
Curls itself in heaps forlorn.
Down tho road the toad is busy.
Hopping gently DER the stones.
And tho windmill. tall and dizzy.
Makes its usual mournful means.
In the modern farm house kitchen
AN the canned goods sit in rows,
And the farmers palms are itchn'
For the ducats in our clothes.
Il. S. Waterhouse in New York Sun
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19

From the Syracuse Herald
The new Lincoln pennies are out and
soon will be familiar sight Oh every
lchuroh collection plate.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19

The man who invented patent banl
that would take his pay envelope ava,
from him each Saturday night ant
hand him lunch money each day. wa!
bachelor
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19

Why is 1t that the man who makes
his mark has less trouble getting his
check cashed than the one whose prin-
cipal accomplishment is writing {
"Spencerian hand?"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19

The man with a slow horse passing
o stranded automobile should remem-
Der that old saying about Sitting IL
the seats of the scornful.'
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19

The thinner the ice IL the more anx-
ious every one IL to see whether it will
hear.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19

1t IS the little boy who stands in tho
road longest when the automobile is
approaching who gets there first al
the funeral.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19

BY most people wealth seems desira
BILE for the power it gives them to gel
more wealth to get more power to sc
more wealth.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19

Don't dope yourself for every little
pain. 1t only hurts your stomach. Such
pain comes usually from local infam-
nation: little rubbing with Hamlins
Wizard Oil will stop it Immediately
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19
Diplomatic.

From the Independent.
A couple of the little south side chill
dren. Arthur. years old, and Louise,
2l2 years old. We're disputing over a;
string which Louise claimed. All
threats and force on Arthurs part was
useless; she would not give up After
moment he used guile.
Wees" he said. will you be my lit
tie wife?'
'lIss," she coyly answered.
Then give me the string" he com
manded.
And she gave it without a n,urmur.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19

The reason why men do not Joke
with their wives is that they are afraid
that back row of buttons will fly open
and the work will all have to be done
over again.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19
The Fishina,a Fine.

sHo ''Su'H6 t7Ihc.
THE fishing's fine" the advertisements
OF course the railroad agents ought to
know;
The X. T. d. N. c's the only way
To reach the pools where Sp-kl-d Bites
play
And gamy muskellunge to monsters
grow
Armed with his rod and book OF flies.
away
The angler HES him where the brooklets
flow;
And finds he should have been here yes
terday!"
"The hshings fine"
But not today; for stormy winds do blow
The crystal waters clear are dashed to
spray;
Though BY next week he'll surely get a
show
If for to catch a lunge he'll row and row;
They'll bite like blazes in Big Thunder
The ishings fine.
Chicago Tribune.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19

Kidney trouble makes weak, weary,
worn women Backache, hip pains,
dizziness headaches nervousness Ian
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19

A mans habits are more natral, and
just az necessary to him. as hiz clothes
are.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19
Reward of Honesty.

One day last week a teacher in Bolton
school picked up in the street a channels
bag, and, peering inside. saw some dia-
monds. Advertisements telling of the loss
of $4,000 worth of diamon..s led the school
teacher to the residence of the owner, the
wife OF a downtown merchant. Incident
ally a reward was offered, but the woman
who found them is OF character too high
to make reward thing to be considered
In such a case. She carried the diamonds
to the woman who had lost them and the
latter seized them with all the joy that
woman could possibly show on the re-
covery of her jewels.
And now said the woman, you shall
have reward of $40 IL you take it out
In trade In my husbands shop
The school teachers sense of humor
prevented her from showing any disgust
and she told the owner that she could
not think OF taking reward for common
honesty, and was only too glad to find the
owner. During the conversation the
woman was counting the diamonds and
she suddenly broke out with:
lone of them is missing. One Of them
is missing! What are you going to dc
about That"
1.-THE best can do about that" replied
| the school teacher, lis to wish that more
were missing Good day
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19
Reflections Of a Bachelor.

From the New York Press.
What makes a girls hair 50 nice and
curly is her Imagination.
The Irritating thing about a good rep
ing it,
What a woman means " having a
fine figure is being able to dress it as
if it We're.
A woman can be as sure of her re-
ligion as of what fine character the
baby is going to have.
The average man is always sure he
could have done a splendid business
stroke il he had happened to think of
it,
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19
THE FINEST rAnnIc


coarse compared with the lining of the bowels When
bis IL we hnve pains diarrhc.a. cholera
us Whatever the cause tako Painkllor (Perry Days.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-08-19
Covers With Saliva.
DISCOURAGED WOMEN.

A Word OF Hope for Dcspairin9
Ousa.
The Huttig news., 1909-12-04

disposed 10 try, and Whispering Smith went for his supper to the hotel where the Williams Cache men made their headquarters.
 When he rode away in the dusk his face was careworn John Rebsiock had told him why Sinclair lodged . there were others whom Sinclair wanted to meet first; and Whispering Smith was again heading on long, hard ride, and after man on better horse, back to the Crawling Stone and Med cine Bend There's others he wants to see first or you'd have no trouble in talking business today. You nor no other man will ever get him alive" But Whispering Smith knew that
 See that he doesn't get you alive, Rebstock," was his parting retort .If he finds out Kennedy has got the Tower w money, the first thing he does will be to put the Doxology all over you"
The Huttig news., 1909-12-04
penounce the Use of Tea.

Siberian delegates to the congress of hopeless old believers" recently held in Moscow, sternly denounced ca drinking They maintained that he use of tea, coffee, sugar, vodka md tobacco, and also the practice of shaving the beard were heretical. The question of tea drinking was dis cussed at great length, the Siberians standing out for the communication If persons guilty of these sins and for heir seclusion from the church until they repented of their wickedness. They declared that tea drinkers were guilty of the sin of gluttony The ongress finally declared that the prac- tices denounced were not heretical, al though undoubtedly sinful. In future tea drinkers are to be excluded from public worship until they amend their habit.
The Huttig news., 1909-12-04


 The Ladies Baptist Aid society met with Mrs. o. D Newly on last Tuesday afternoon with nine mem oers present, one new member vas added to the roll. The follow ng new officers were elected: Mrs. c. Howard reelected presi- lent. Mrs. w. L. Kicks and Mrs. J. c. Phillips vice presidents. Mrs. o. D. Newby secretry and treasurer. 1t was decided to meet every two weeks. The next meeting will be held with Mrs. Brown on Tuesday Afternoon, December IA.