The Barre daily times. (Barre, Vt.) 1897-1959, 1909-07-19
HIS AFFINITY
nx N. ouAp.

loved, and they had felt emotions, buI
there were some things they had never
given a thought TO. One Of those
things was the affinity business. Al
husbands and wives were satisfied
with each other. If not they were
not talking about divorce. There was
something coming TO Huntsville, and
Il got It when Professor Leonidas Chet
sey arrived there on q summer vaca-
ton. He WIS professor Of the ethe
real, he explained, but as most Of The
Inhabitants were lovers Of pork and
beans they were not greatly interested
IN his subject. They let him day
dream under the cedars and lie beside
the gurgling brook, and the experience
be had later on would never have come
TO him bad be not mixed the ethereal
with the atanitles.
One Of the most solid and matter 81
fact women In the village was the
Widow Swift--solid because she weigh
ed nearly 200 pounds and matter Of
fact because no tin peddler that came
that way could beat her on a trade.
She had large and healthy appetite,
arms that could lift hundred pound
hog back in to the pen, and tramp
who tried TO enter her house unbidden
one day was carted of to Jail with four
broken ribs. II any one had told her
or spread the report abroad that some
one would come along some day and
claim her for an affinity she would
have wanted to do some kicking with
No, shoe. And yet that was ex-
actiy what happened After Ave or
six days the professor got sight OF
her, and he at once let it be known
that the ethereal part Of him was a
goneg. He leaned over the garden
fence where she was wedding her cab.
bagee and compared her figure to that
Of a sylphi her eyes TO those Of a sloe.
her face to that Of a Grecian goddess.
as she stood there with her 200 pounds
firmly planted on the ground and won
dering II he was a fool or lunatic he
went on to say that he had seen her ia
his dreams for years past; that bis
heart had cried out for her like child
lost In the wilderness: that together
they would now float down the stream
Of time and come as near to heavenly
bliss as mortals ever get.
The widow listened and then told
him to move on. He moved. but he
said be would come again. The four
constables In the county might chain
him hand and foot, but his spirit could
not be bound with chains His spirit
and her spirit would meet and love.
In the darkest midnight they would
recognize each other without any ex.
press tags being attached. That even.
ing he came to the house to call and
was run out OF the gate. lie appeared
again next day and was hit with
rock. The widow had brother who
wasn't bit ethereal, and be called Cd
Professor Chetsey and threatened 20
make things warm for him II be didn't
stop annoying hts sister.
But the professor didn't stop. When
YOU can see your affinity b. looking
over the fence It's pretty hard to 70
OF to an amateur baseball game in
stead He could see the widow as she
fitted among the cucumbers. and he
could see her as she shook the table
cloth at the back door fer the benefit
Of the chickens, and be was entranced.
She threw stones at him every time
she saw him. but be came back when
the darkness had fallen and sang sad.
" and sweetly Of the love IN bis heart.
Won can't be ethereal and be looking
after an affinity IA a village without
everybody getting on to the racket
after a bit. II was so at Huntsville.
and when things had continued for
ten OF twelve days the widows BROTH
er determined to put an end to the SIT
uation. The widow would have done
it herself but she couldn't get hands
on the professor.
Night had come again. 1t was an
ethereal night. II was Just the night
for the souls of afinities to 70 flying
about until meeting each other IN
some cabbage patch ana then walking
hand In hand through the dewy mead
ows where the crickets chirped and
the whippoorwills chartered The pro-
fessor was on his way down the street
to pour out his soul once more when
he was seized by three men and run
into a nearby barn Then a lantern
was produced to illuminate proceed
ings, and the widows brother asked:
Wei, professor, Is your ethereal be-
ing out en- still hunt for an afiinity7'
Sir, IL you lay hands on me 1t Is
saorilege, was the reply X simply
seem to have a physical being'
''And that's what we are after.
Boys, hold him over the barrel"
The professor was bent over on emp
Il cider barrel and tightly held there
BY the two men, and the widows
brother then went to work with a
piece Of board In the most industrious
and vigorous manner 1t was home
made, unpagented spanking machine,
and IT worked without hitch After
the sixth blow the physical part Of the |
victim yelled After SIX more the ethe-
real part Of him began to SIT up and |
take notice. AT the sixteenth spank |
the professor acknowledged that be
loved pork and beans, at the twenti-
eth that he dotted on raw onions and /
Goldfish, at the twenty-fourth that be
was through with ethereal business
and looking for an affinity, and six |
more whacks were given him for good I
and he was turned loose to T
leave the town. Out into the darkness
be Iimped and stumbled, and, although T