The Birmingham age-herald., 1909-03-14
THE HOTEL CLERK GROWS
 PEEVISH AND PARTICULAR
By IRWIN S. COBB.

John, my boy said the Hotel Clerk of the St. Reckless to the Head Wine Clerk, q think I'll take a little vichy and milk. And please be careful not to make it too strong of the milk. I feel very fragile and transient this morning :"
 "Ill tell you what you want said the Head Wine Clerk vivaeiously. what you want is nice dry cocktail. Just femme ihrow you together a little something ac- sordin' to a formula of my own," and he reached for the shaker and the ingredi- ents
 Stay. minion, stay thy ruthless hand" broke in the Hotel Clerk. Do I know what l want or do I not? I come in. craving something that I could get 5 cents cheaper at any dairy lunch. but leeause l like the fixtures and the furn- taie better here. l call on you. And you repay the favor by seeking to hand me out one of those venomous mixtures of yours that only needs red label and a fire-proofng guarantee wrapped around t 10 be roofing paint"
 T didn't mean an offence" said the Hotel Clerk bitterly. Its all the fault of the false commercial system under which we live Everybody is in a con- spiraey to hand everybody else some thing they don't want If was in charge of the currency of this country I'd go step farther than the party who wanted to print I Know That My Redeemer Liveth,' on the clearing house certif- cates. On a silver dollar. where it now
 
 eept No Substitute
 But l did cherish the foud hope that a shop like this would be comparatively free from the blight. l thought if there was one place where the hired help were wiling to let the customer make up his own mind, it was a life saving station srch as this. And it used to be that way. What happened if I came in to a recup- eratory and asked for a Scotch highball? Did the gent in the white kalsomner's clothes behind the bar recommend a green creme de menthe because it would give me a breath like a moth ball and make people think I'd been putting away my wife's 5000 sealskin opera coat in camphor? Did he suggest that a selzer lemonade would last longer if inhaled slowly through a stopped-up straw? Nothing of the sort. He merely reached for the bottle containing t<e imported dye stuffs, clipped off a chunk of pure lake ice, made in factory produced a bottle of carbonic with the customary impeachment in it's speech, placed these various articles upon the counter in front of me, remarked that it was a pleasant day, watched me out of the tail of his eye to see that l didn't pour too big a hooter out of the Hoot Mon flagon, col lected the customary amount, and, turn ing to his favorite musical instrument, the cash register, pulled out some of it's stops and performed a short solo on it by means of which he did not cheat him self out of anything of value. Which was emphatically all there was to the trans action, unless l felt compelled to re- spond to an encore. in which event the performance would be repeated as here tofore stated.
 If the alcohol went to a customers head, a porter or somebody might turn him upside down so as to let it run back to the proper place, but otherwise there'd be no concert, or after show. introduc- ing the full strength of the entire com pany. Absolutely nothing was said about the advlsability of his taking a balanc- ing pole sos he could stay on the same sidewalk with himself. of a pair of blue goggles to keep off the glare from his own face. A gent merely asked for a Scotch highball. He got it. Pleasant day? Yes, no. raining outside. Don't say? All right Unpleasant day, then. Fifteen cents, please. Thank you. Brush. Next gent.
 And that was why the ordinary man would rather buy great gross of Scotch highballs than one pair of socks man is driven by necessity and the fact that his toe nails are gnawing the inside off of the toe caps and the heels at the back and the soes underneath Just plain North American socks, that will acquire an openwork or porous-like appearance, fore and aft, when he's worn em once, the same as all other socks. There's nothing else in the world that he wants except socks He's MT. Socrates s. Sock ins. from Soxville Center, Hose county, Socksylvania. and he used to play sock CT football on the same team with Sock alexis, the Injun. Sockless Jerry Smp- son wasn't even related to him by mar. riage Thus satisfied in his own mind he enters a place where socks are pur- veyed to the sock-using public and states his wants, namely socks, to a beautiful floor walker who has the same naughty grace and indolent manner seen in a show girl that has drag with the man. ager The floor walker unbends suffi- ciently to pass him along to a youth wearing his front hair in an antler effect and vest with dine-room pictures em- broidered on it. To this impressive youth he repeats his modest desires.
 Really now. you don't want no black socks. answers Algernon with the flow ing locks. What you want is some of these here salmon pink half hose with a chased design of southern smilax twin ing around the ankles and hollyhocks running up the legs.