davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1909-09-04

course, being headquarters for good
thingers OF that particular llk, and oeca.
Sionally / see some of them ABOUT, sun
pursuing their money-grabbing game in
the guise of newspaper men. The word
has gone out among them, though, | un-
derstand, that none of them hencefOrth
is to claim to he representative of the
Associated Press. One of them pulled
that claim pretty generally at the Capitol
last winter, finally getting himself pinch
ed for it. He jumped his bail and went
abroad, but was nailed when he returned
to New York a few months ago and taken
down to Washington. Now hear some
what to my surprise that this fellow is 10
escape; that the case against him is not
to be pressed. l confess myself wholly
unable to understand why the case
against him is not going to be pressed, II
this stuff that l hear at this end of the
line as to his getting off is true. / am
familiar with the fact that these crooks.
like all other crooks, maintain a regular
fixing fund which is devoted to the
business of getting members of the OUTFIT
out of their messes when they become in
volved with the authorities. OF course
no such thing as fixing fund would
be of any use whatever in Washington,
and that is why, for lack of further IN
formation, / am at loss to understand
why this particular member of the gang
is, according to the tip, going to get clear
of the Washington authorities.
At any rate, the members of the gang,
so it is said, no longer will mooch about
protesting to be representatives of the
Associated Press. But they have little
methods of getting around so minor a
disqualification. They represent them
selves as members of the National
Press or the ,"Co-operative Press or
the Journalists Press League" or glibly
mention other entirely, non-existent
'press" organizations of that sort. even
letterheads printed with the names of
such phony, imaginary press" associ-
ations spraddled all over the tops thereof.
Busy men possessed of large bank rolls
the only kind of men besieged by these
grafters-aren't able to differentiate so as
you could notice 1t between the Associ-
ated Press and these other purely fc-
titious press associations whose names are
blithely pulled by the crooks. The 1--WE
Boys" bunch have way of ladling out
their stuff In way to make 1t appear
to the fall guys that they really and
truly do represent press associations, and
the fall guy lets it go at that, not TAX
ing the time to ascertain whether such
associations exist or not. He takes the
swindlers for what they profess to be,
representatives Of press associations with
far-f1ung wire systems and pregnant with
across for the amount that the grafters
"mace" him for.
These fellows gained the 1--WE Boys
appellation on account of their bland
method OF advertng .u to thtr themselves as
gu-'nor. are getting out little publica-
ton. the profits of which are to make
up a sort of a little benefit fund for us, :"
or I'VE boys. senator, feel that you'd
like to help our little project along" and
Evening star., 1909-09-04

message must have been dumb. Anyway
ii is not of record that she tainted OF
carried on in any unseemly manner.
Some people have got q whole lot OF
nerve,' said the hello girl who mas
already been quoted There was man
called me up couple o. months ago--i
was doing the night trick then--and he
says Central. my alarm is busted. Please
wake me up at O'clock
You know the company Is not supposed
to be an anti-tardiness society. but l did
il 10 oblige him. and the next night he
asked me the same thing. Dyou know.
I'm still waking that man up AT I. and
the other day when kicked he threaten
ed 10 report me II the manager for being
disobliging and impertnent'
OF course. the hello girr' in question
didn't have to perform that ''up with the
lark stunt every morning If she felt
like refusing. The telephone company
isn't trying 10 bear the alarm clock
market. and certainly isn't looking for
any jobs of the kind in question. But
it's safe to say that il the obliging hello
girl had been half an hour late with her
awakening ring the clockless subscriber
would have registered a genuine kick and
considered himself very much aggrieved
in the bargain.
Evening star., 1909-09-04

them the. other day Just to keep my hand
In. Not that l wanted the job. because
I'm going to get married next year. he
got lot of money and | won nave 10
work if don't want to.
.'Rut about the exams. You see, the
men that get them up sit down and think
of all the queer questions that anybody
could ask But we got 'em beat. we
hear aueerer questions than they ever
could imagine. And every day at that.
Why, Name. who was second board from
me for two years. took one of the exams
last year. There was only one question
she fell down on. and it's a wonder to
me she didn't know that. 1t was some
thing like telling the distance from Pat
erson. N. j.. to the tropic of Capricorn.
by way of Vienna. Ill. | told her she
ought to be ashamed of herself, because
I'll bet she's answered the same ques-
ton half a dozen times"
Service at the switchboard evidently has
it's compensa tions. for it would seem,
from the above. that any time hello
Evening star., 1909-09-04
GIVE HAD FEW LESSONS BUT THIS COMES NATURAL

speak for themselves about automo-
biles. If you can find one newspaper
in this house. right now, out of the
dozens of newspapers kicking around
the place, that doesn't tell about at
least one human being macerated and
ground to sausage and knocked to
splinters by an automobile, then I'll
pay you five dollars in gold for the
copy of that newspaper and then send
it to the National Museum as a Curl
osty.''
Mrs. Jobson, still in pursuance of her
little plan. let it go at that.
A few weeks later, while Mr.. Jobson
was dallying over the after-dinner cof :
stuff on him.
"Well. nv dear" she said to him, I
must admit that you are right-as you
usually are-about this automobile
business They ARE dangerous. aren't
they? On 14th street today I saw two
cars come within an ace OF running
right into each other"
Did, hey?" grunted Mr.. Jobson. who
drove the cars?"
Why" replied Mrs. Jobson. the
cars were driven by a pair OF quite
young men, and they were going very
fast, and one of them. I thought, was
on the wrong side of the street,
and"
.Of course-OF course put in Mr..
Jobson with a sort of triumphant leer.
Sure thing. That's the usual combina :.
tion. Two very young men. az you cal!
neutrality-suspicious. sapheads I'd call
them-driving the cars, and both of EN-
racing through traffic crowded streets,
and one Of them, Of course again, on
the wrong side OK the street again.
Could you beat that for a combination?
Why wouldn't they have slammed
into each other and knocked each 9TH
er's machines and themselves into sc
much junk?
.Weli, they did come perilousiy close to
Evening star., 1909-09-04

ing good jagS out of their acute spirit OF
resentment over the unyieldingness and
uncongeniality of their mates. The alac-
rity with which the lazy women of the
front porches jump up to accompany
their husbands after the latter have de-
clared themselves by resorting to the ar
bitrament of rum is worth having peek
at. really.
The sulky. disagreeable woman who
quarrels shrlly with her husband at
the hotel table was on hand. too. TO
make me feel at home this last "Trip.
She sat down upon her man. and hu-
inflated him. and tried to show him up
before all hands, including the walters:
but he took it all without a murmur
the while he gazed intently at his plate.
or else he let it go with a 'Shsh!
Edith! the people'll hear you! Where
upon she'd reply more shrilly than ever
that she didn't care snap OF her. ffn-
gers who heard her, so she didn't, and
that IL folks only knew what she had to
put up with, with a husband that had had
the nerve and the presumption to stay
out until as late as IL o'clock at night,
they'd feel sorry for her. so they would.
and SO on and so on; until all hands with
in sound of her voice land that meant
about everybody in the dining rooml won
dered wistfully IL the sharp-tongued wom-
an who scrapped necessarily with her
husband had limited return ticket, and
when the limit was going to expire.
X
The thing wouldn't have been kee-rect.
either, this year, IL the real naughty,
up-stage woman hadn't been at the ho-
tel. There's always at least one of 'em.
She always has a weary, browbeaten-
looking maid with her. of course, and she
always has as many clothes, almost, as a
chorus girl who Is resting; wherefore her
hauteur which is something beyond ex-
preston. She never by any chance
speaks a single word to any of the other
woman guests of the house during the en-
tire period of her stay. Fact is. she
glares at 'em incessantly from a corner
of the porch. her idea, of course. being
thus to convey proper idea OF the pro-
digious social gulf that yawns between
herself and such as they. She is snappy
with the walters and pushes away, with a
toss, most of the dishes that are brought
prietor or head clerk about how pitifuily
small her apartments are, and she gen.
orally manages to drag in some express
sion of acute regret over how sorry she
feels that she was induced to rent this
summer her handsome, comfortable villa
up on the northern coast
Then, too, l saw this year, as usual.
the sulky, disagreeable girl OF the large
party at the hotel-the girl who insists
upon arranging all of the plans for the
go where the overwhelming majority of
the others of the party are keen to go,
and who pouts over their decision and
declines to speak to them, and who has
to be soft-soaped and coddled and petted
to fetch her around again; you know her
amount of gloom and depression over all
the members OF her party by her pee
vishness and her complete selfishness. but
she didn't mind. Lor' bless you; In fact.
Evening star., 1909-09-04

all that sort of brdseed. and the victims,
imagining for some inexplicable reason
or other that bona fde newspaper men
possess the habit of mentioning them
selves as 1--WE Boys accept these crooks
as genuine members of the pencil-push-
ing tribe. and yield to their Establishments
by scribbling checks. according TO now
their livers are prompting them in the
matter of .1oosening up If ever there
has been, anywhere in the United States.
from one of the Portlands to the other,
any newspaper individual who has ever
alluded to himself and his sure-enough
newspaper mates as I'VE P"vs." I've
never banged up against one that kind.
and I've done sad lot of roaming around
in the newspaper business in the progress
of the aforementioned quarter of CEN
tury, too. But the people who give up
their good coin to these crooks have, for
some utterly inscrutable reason, got the
notion firmly wedged in their noddles that
newspaper men actually do advert to
themselves as I'VE Boys; which, natural
Evening star., 1909-09-04

pers, to have their pictures published, to
be aligned with individuals of much
greater prominence than they in connec-
ton with charitable plans, and all that
sort of thing. The crooks positively toy
with slews and slathers of wealthy per-
sons on their lists of names,'' catching
them for tidy sums time and again, year
after year, with all sorts Of fake propo-
sitions. There are certain wealthy folks
in this country who never seem to grow
up or to learn anything. and these are
the ones craftily singled out by the I'VE
Boys" grafters upon whom to prey.
One of their pet methods, for example.
Is to go around among wealthy men soli-
citing biographical write-ups. These par
ticular grafters contrive to keep. solely
for lack of prosecution, quarter of an
inch or so within the law against false
pretenses. At least they haven't been
Evening star., 1909-09-04

the summer hotels make SATURDAY dllei
Moons tn meet their coming-to-stay-over
Sunday spouses who get IN SATURDAY
av.n,np 'Tis a singular thing. always.
IN note how curiously sedate these women
fo,Ls become as the hour approaches for
tbar tn walk or drive to the station to
meet their husbands Noticing this, l
co,,dn,t holm but think that there must
10 something inexpressibly solemn about
the coming of a husband to stay over
sunday with his wife who is spending the
hot weather out of town.
1.-THE wives, somehow or another al
ways look to me, at such times, as II
they're standing upon the brink OF some
great and overwhelming event In their
lives. and their almost speechless prim-
ness not to say smugness, as they take
their ulaces in the bus to start for the
depot is a thing that never fails to stake
me to feeling of wonder.
"And then too, they scarcely appear TO
smile during the over-Sunday stays OF
their spcuses 7 can't explain why TINS
should be- but it's the way 1t be all right
When they accompany their husbands 10
the station Monday morning they seem
to he still wrapt in that state of spiritual
calm vet, strangely enough, many OF
them appear to be distinctly merry ana
cheerful when they return from the trains
after having Dade Week-iOnS .IdTeWeiiS "
their lords and masters IL sure does
nuzzle me- this stuff, really.
X.
"Rut women at summer resorts do not.
as I say, change much. This year 1
found. as usual, the same number OF
those front-porch wives who calmly but
firmly declined to do any old thing their
husbands wanted them to do Ihey
take rocking chairs on the porch imme-
diately after breakfast, with pinkisn-
tinted novels tightly elapsed in their
hands, and they'd hold down those rock,
ing chairs all day long, except at meal
hours. Their husbands would beg ana
implore them to get move on and go
somewhere and see and start something;
but. nix, they were all for that continu,
out rocking thing on the front porch, and
wild horses or dynamite couldn't have
budged them. The one consoling thing in
connection with cases of this sort Is that
the husbands OF these indolent porch
rocking women usually revolt after about
week of that stun and sally out some
morning or other and mobilize thunder
Evening star., 1909-09-04
Awkward misunderstanding.

aI HAVE known NJ. Louis Bleriot a
number of years." said member
of the New York Aero Club. 'Bleriot al
WAYS claimed that man ought to have
flown centuries ago-with the birds. you
know, up there in the blue, from the
very start to teach him.
"At a dinner he gave at the Care dc
Paris NJ Bleriot told us that we had all
misunderstood the air-misunderstood the
air as completely as the King OF Dude
misunderstood Lord Dalhousie.
when Lord Dalhousie, he explained,
was commander-in- chief of the British-
Indian forces he visited the King OF Dude
at Lucknow, and made point of pre-
senting Lady Dalhousie
The King of Dude. glittering with dia-
mends. sat In his gold chair and mar
rowiy watched Lady Dalhousie advance
across the marble floor of the great hall.
He did not understand Lord Dalhousie,s
presentation. He thought Lord Dalhou-
sic wanted to sell this withered woman
to him.
And shaking his head, twisting his
black mustache and smiling scornfuiiy.
he said. as the countess curtsied low be.
fore his throne:
Take her away, Take her away! She
-on't do at al
Evening star., 1909-09-04

for a characterization fund, discovers
that one of the great iatter-day anVeh-
tions was known and in generai use
thousands and thousands of years ago.
This happens so frequently noWaaass
that it would probably cause very niue
surprise if one of these indefatigaoie sa-
wants should announce that Solomon was
a subscriber to the inter-Egyptian teie-
phone system and had his palace wired
branch exchange connecting all depart
mentS.
Evening star., 1909-09-04
Mr.. Berg Passes the Ice.

STMET HART o. BERG in Paris just
after he had been made an officer
Of the Legion Of Honor" said a member
of the Aero Club in New York. 1T was
at dinner I met him: dinner that some
Spanish aeronauts attended
.'Mr Berg praised the bravery of the
Moors at Melilla. This enjoyed one of
the Spaniards He raped the table with
his fist and shouted:
The Moors are a bit on top now, but
we'll soon have the upper hand. / tell
you, sir, we've sent the cream of the
Spanish army to Morocco
Whipped cream said Mr.. Berg
Evening star., 1909-09-04

don't profess to know anything about
driving automobiles. / don't know the
dewdingitt clutch of an automobile from
the craburretter, but I'll tell you this:
If l couldn't learn more about driving
an automobile in twenty minutes than
that pinhead Kaystreet'n ever know as
long as he's on top of the ground, and
if, after twenty minutes of practice, l
Evening star., 1909-09-04
human wonder. But that's what lots of
them have done and are doing every day.

*
There's a saying in the telephone ex-
changes that If switchboard novice fin
ishes her first couple of months expe-
rience with a disposition that can safely
be left in the immediate vicinity of sweet
milk there's the making of a good hello
girl in her. The first couple of months
furnishes the test. After that the poor
creature becomes used to things-sort of
dumb to surprises. as it were-and can
stand almost anything in the line of duty
There's one odd thing about the hello
girls business-that is, 1t may seem odd
to some folks, though it really isn't, after
all. 1t is the. finest training school for
civil service positions that can possibly
be imagined. Any hello girl who has
had a reasonable amount of experience
can pass any kind of civil service exami-
nation hands down and cased up at the
finish.
Sure" said ''helD girl to Star re-
porter the other day, you're dead right.
I can just eat the exams l took one OF
Evening star., 1909-09-04

whizzing- along stuff that you'll be need
ing to participate in, either as a rider in
Mrs. Kaystreet's buzz wagon or anybody
elses" interrupted Mr. Jobson. First
thing you know that crazy woman will
be whixzing herself and the people idiotic
enough to accompany her In her two-cent
car into eternity Just keep out of her
car and the rest Of these whizzers' cars
In future, that's all. l thought you
Evening star., 1909-09-04

it, l must say said Mrs. Jobson. ''and
l couldn't help but think that I'd be
afraid TO-
.tOh, that's just like a woman, of
course interrupted Mr.. Jobson. Just
because she happens to see pair Of
crazy young whelps driving automobiles
like maniacs and coming close to ram
ming each other, she makes up her mind
that automobiles are deadly dangerous
Evening star., 1909-09-04

The above affords a few samples of
the questions asked over the phone by
supposedly sane people whose names "re
in the telephone directory. 1t has hse ii
demonstrated many and many a tune
that lots Of folks who have a fairly intel
ligent grasp OF things mundane under or
dinary circumstances get flighty and
lightheaded when In the immediate vi
cinity of telephone. That must have
been the case with the matron who the
other day lifted the receiver off the hook
in her home long enough to say to cen
trail:
Il am going out this afternoon. If Mrs.
So-and-so calls tell her I am visiting my
aunt"
The 'informatio girl who got that
Evening star., 1909-09-04

tion of human life GRATED Mr. job
son. BY the way, do you ever. by any
remote chance accidentally happen to
pick up a newspaper? 1 fetch enough
newspapers in here. anyhow. Don't you
ever glance even at the headlines of any
of EN-? Because if you did you'd not be
under the necessity of asking me such
pinheaded questions about automobiles
The news columns of the newspapers
Evening star., 1909-09-04

and unfit to be used by human beings and
all that rot. OF course.
Mrs. Jobson once more let 1t go at that
A month or so later she inserted another
little lick or two.
Really" she said to Mr.. Jobson. I've
got all over my automobile enthusiasm.
/ saw a woman driving car out U street
today, and she didn't appear to know any
thing about how to steer. and she came
near to hitting the car l was on half
dozen times, and
WHO ever said that woman had the
slightest right on earth to even attempt
to drive so complicated, nerve-exacting
and difficult scientific machine as an
automobile?' Mr.. Jobson interrupted her.
Did you ever hear me say anything ike
that?"
Moo, not exactly" replied Mrs. Job
son. "but-"
But what?"
We'll, I've seen SO many dreadful sto-
ries in the papers lately about automo-
bile accidents, and have witnessed SO
many narrow escapes with my own eyes.
that really, think l should be afraid to
trust myself In an automobile. even II 1t
Kaystreet is very good chauffeur and
safe driver. and all that, but
Say. see here" broke In Mr.. Jobson,
'am l to understand from this stuff that
you're ladling out that your purpose is
to hand me covert wallop? Am l to
understand you to mean that, while that
Kaystreet duffer Is a safe person to trust
with an automobile, your husband
wouldn't be? Is that the kind of UNDER
hand stuff you're attempting ito hand
me?'
Evening star., 1909-09-04
HE modern "hello

HE modern hello
girl is a mighty in
teresting type. In
cidentally ii is quite
necessary to use
I h e qualification
modern" for ev-
cry day or so some
learned person with
a bunch of capital
letters after his
name, and who la
bcrs under a grant
Evening star., 1909-09-04

gang l mean the ample-gailed croWo VI
swindlers whose method of annexing the
currency is to profess to be newspaper
men. 1t will be remembered that par
eel of these crooks operated extensively
about TIE Capitol in Washington during
the last session of Congress. They were
engaged mainly upon fake biography
publishing scheme which they were en-
abled TO put across solely because, hav-
ing nicked up a bit of journalistic patter,
they managed to make their victim sup
nose that they really were bona fde
newspaper workers. They picked up
lot of money in the Capitol building from
credulous senator's and representatives.
including number of legislators VINO
never before had been classihed as
.Rubes', or come-ons The grafters got
the change in $10O. 500 and occasion
ally even in $500 lots. Finally. however,
late in the spring. after they'd made q
pretty thorough cleanup In washington,
they were staked to what crooks know
as a rumble in the form of protest
on the part of the legitimate newspaper
men of Washington. That is to say, the
Washington correspondents, at pretty
caloric meeting held in the senate press
gallery aired the doings of this parcel
of crooks and drew up resolution, Tor
general circulation among the legislators
as well as among government ofhcfais In
pointedly invited the attention of all
hands interested to the fact that sure
enough newspaper men don't make
practice of gouging anybody for money
for any purpose whatsoever. and leaving
the inference sufficiently plain that the
sand-bagging doings around the Capitol
had been pulled off by people who had
about as much license to call themselves
newspaper men as they had to style
themselves Grand Lamas of Tibet.
The grafters didn't stick around to
argue the point cut with the protesting
correspondents but lust pulled UP stakes
and made their getaway; pretty cheerful
about it, at that. please remember, be-
cause. as above stated. they'd frisked and
shredded the producers" among the CAPT
tol folks to fare-you-well by the time
they got the rumble.
A number of these grafters came over
here from Washington, New York, OF
Evening star., 1909-09-04

caught up with yet. Their plan is to
start one of those "chatty. gossipy"
publications devoted to society and club
life" and then to go about among the
wealthy ones-the chaps who. for all their
wealth. can't get in'-and solicit bio
graphical write-ups. with cuts of the
Evening star., 1909-09-04

FIND the folks at
the summer resorts
just about the same
year in and year
out" observed the
man with the sun
peeled nose. lone
of the things that
always arouses my
intense interest,
though, Is this:
The great prepara-
tions the ladies at
Evening star., 1909-09-04

RS. JOBSON made
up her mind about
a year ago that she
wanted an automo-
bile. And so she
began to maneuver.
It was / tri ca I g
work. BY way or
a b e 6 ! n n / n g she
adopted an assort-
nent of veiled,
fumbling tactics.
1.-THE KayStreetS. :"