The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1909-01-03
UNCLE HENRY GIVES
SOME GOOD ADVICE
JoIIy Your Wife If You Want to
Be Happy
But MAKE NO MISTAKES
It's the Only Way To Be Happy,
Though Married, But You Must Be
Very Foxy or You Will
Make Trouble.

From the Philadelphia North American.
'ero be happy though married. re-
marked Uncle Henry after peekng
through the crack of the door to be sure
She was not coming back. you have 70
be quick on your feet and a good jollier
To take things for granted is the greatest
compliment in the world. But they don't
like their compliments that way.
See what mean? This silent admira-
ton gag is no good. You can unbutton
your collar take cough lozenge and
sing Z Love You. Darling. Even as of
Yore' until you've built Up S2.9S thirst
and when you get through your wife will
want to know when yore was and please
tell her. how much you loved her then.
At least my wife will and they're all on
the same style.
mo. son, the gentle art of being aces
isn't either an art or gentle. Not so you
could notice it it isn't What they want
Is to see the goods. They know it and
you know it and they know you know 1t.
Understand? Well, then it's up to you to
come down stage and bat it out.
And strong. too: good and strong
They're like the kid at the circus who
sees the elephant stand up. lay down,
ring bell run. jump and give a good
show generally and then turn round to
you and says, Huh, that's nothin'; let's
see him pick his teeth
I'm giving It to you straight. son, you
can't surprise EN-, no matter what you
say and the thicker you lay it on the
better chance you've got to have custard
pie next Sunday.
You hear me. This stuff I'm giving
you is no bunk. 1t took me years to
learn it and I've got a ways to go yet
See what I mean? It's a study. A regu-
lar kind of science like. Important
too, by gum. If you're married, that is,
Don't generalize. They hate it. Don't
say like this, My darling, you look very
pretty this evening, or My dear, l never
saw you look better Can it. Don't waste
good breath that you're sure going to
need. Catch the ieda? That is old stuff
and went out round about the time some
body put a kibosh on hoopskirts. If you've
got to do it at all go at it so it will
count.
Now see. Here's what I mean. Take
your time If you don't she will. There's
regular kind of rules for this sort of
thing. Begin at the top and work down.
And anything you see that looks partic-
ularly fierce get that in twice.
Tell her her hats wonder. Never
saw one like it before. That's likely to be
true, anyhow, and that's what she bought
of bar
That's either too long or too short or
too something of course. Well. just get
settled in your mind what's the matter
with it and then tell her it's a dream
because it is so long or short or what
ever it is. See what l mean? Find out
what makes her look SO funny and then
approve of 1T.
And so on The skirt, smooth over
the hips; the shoes. small and high in
the instep; the waist, in perfect taste,
You got to say that about a waist be-
cause if you try TO be any more specific
you'll get in over your head.
And then-say. son. I ought not to let
you in on this at all, but I'm the original
sweet disposition and I love my fellow
man. And then the hair Nowl You
keep your eyes straight on your Uncle
Henry, and don't let a word of this es-
cape. If I'd had somebody to tell me a
few things when 1 was young man I'd
have saved a lot of backing and filling
in my time.
1.-The hair. Got that? The hair Mind
you, don't say her hair. No, son; the
hair with the accent on the, I m the boy
wonder. with the present early express
sion when it comes to everything else but
the hair. They caught me late, and l
haven't good show But I'm learning.
You got to make a study of hair.
That's all it amounts to. Lou got to
know that these coronet braids are
hitched on with spike, and that styles
are likely to change their shape any
minute.
You hear me, my guileless young
friend, a complete and thorough knowl-
edge of regular female lady woman per-
sons hair is as much necessary to your
welfare to have a couple of cloves in
your vest pocket after you have been out
for drink.
You're young and you can pick it up
quick I'm doing the best I can. But
got in bad sometimes. And you take 1t
from me that when you once get In bad
on anything that a woman wears you've
got to go double the distance the next
time to make her satisfied. See what |
mean? She don't swallow it so easy.
Last week took my wife to the thea
tire. She rugged out ina lot of farce COM
edy harness, and then she says, says She
How do / look?" she says Like that
you understand, with her cold and flshy
eye poking holes in my complacent front
OF course. I know the signals, and SO I
opened up.
"If l do say it myself, son, lifted over
the plate few highly ornate and deco
rative domestic aphorisms. | was tickled
to death. And honest her hair was
something neat.