davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1909-09-30
BUNCOING CITY
SHARPS.

People from the country are not the
only ones to be taken in by carefully
managed confidence games. City COM
mission dealers are commonly sup
posed to be a shrewd, alert set OF
business men, yet during the past
year 1t is reckoned that the butter and
egg traders alone lost, nearly $4,000
through operations of swindlers. The
game is an old one but very often sue.
cessful. A new firm starts up, OBJ
tains as much credit as possible, then
fails, and the funds and all goods that
were bought vanish from sight, leay-
ing the creditors nothing perhaps but
Office furniture to show for many thou.
sand dollars worth Of produce sold
on credit. Truly, no fox is too sly to
fear the trap.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1909-09-30
When Anyone Is'III.

Don't forget, If you have an in
valid in the house, that, before TAX
ing any meal up to him, Il IS always
wise to ascertain II he is ready for
it. 1t Is disappointing to bring a
tempting little meal, all piping hot,
and find that the invalid wants his
hands washed and his pillows shaken
up and various other little things
attended to, and when the meal is
finally tasted to have it pronounced
too cold" The thing to do is first
to see that the patient is all ready.
then bring the meal.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1909-09-30
THE NEW EDUCATION
IN CHINA,

One advantage which China pos.
gesses over the United States is in
the ease with which reform can be
started and spread. In this country
nothing can be accomplished until at
least one-half the people are convinced
of the necessity of it; in China it is
necessary to convince only the pow
ers that be and the reform is ordered
forthwith. The following instructions
recently issued make it clear that the
governmen. means business in the
matter of extending the educational
facilities of the empire, and that read
lily to all its parts.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1909-09-30
A WORD OF
DEFENSE.

Carmen sylvia" Roumania's liter
ary Queen, has something TO say
worth noting on the patience Of the
husband-so much maligned where
feminine heads get together. "A
standing complaint among women"
she says. is that husbands have no
appetite, that they are taciturn or sar-
castle in their society. II men COM
PEELED their wives to swallow the very
bad indigestibles some men are treat.
ed to, and also he illnatured remarks,
seedlings, complaints and assurances
OF contempt my sisters are In the
habit of spouting forth at meal-time.
the number OF female dyspeptics
would be vastly larger than it is now.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1909-09-30
HE WAS NOT
THANKFUL

My neighbor Cooley suffered a
good deal last winter from rheuma-
tism in his breast. and his wife was
badly frightened about it for fear it
should end in consumption. Cooley
could not be induced to try any rem
edy for the trouble. and Mrs. Cooley
was nearly worried 10 death about It.
At last she determined to try strate-
gy. She made a dry mustard plas-
ter and one night while he was asleep
she sewed 1t upon the inside of his
undershirt, so that It would just COW
er the rheumatic place.
Cooley dressed himself in the
morning, wholly unsuspicious Of the
presence of the plaster, and went
downstairs. At the breakfast table,
while he was talking to his wife, he
suddenly stopped, looked cross-eyed.
and a spasm of pain passed over his
face. Then he took up the thread
of the conversation again and went
on. He was in the midst Of an ex-
planation OF the political situation,
when all at once he ceased again,
grew red in the face and exclaimed:
II wonder what in the - No, It
can't be anything wrong"
Mrs. Cooley asked what was the
matter, and Cooley said
20, it's that internal old rheuma-
| tism again; come back awful. But l
never felt it exactly the same way be-
/ fore Kinder stings me-"
Mrs Cooley said she was sorry.
Then Mr. Cooley began again, and
was just showing her how the raw
ages of the grasshoppers in the west,
and the potato-bus in the east would
affect the election by making the peo-
pie Disconnected. and so likely to
strike at the party in power, when
Jumping up, said:
Thunder and lightning! what's
that? Ouch! o, Moses! | feels II
had a shoveful of hot Goals inside
my undershirt."
Must be that rheumatism, getting
worse" said Mrs. Cooley sympatheti-
cally.
20, gracious, no, It's something
worse than rheumatism. Feels like
burning into my skin. Ouch! Ow-
wow-wow, It's awful, l can't stand
Il another minute. / believe It's
cholera, or something, and I'm going
to die!"
DO try to be calm. Mr.. Cooley"
Calm! How can man be calm
with volcano boiling over under
his shirt. Go way from here. Get
out of the way, quick. while l go up
stairs and undress. Murder-r-r-r-,
but it hurts. Let me get out, quick"
Then he rushed up to the bedroom
and stripped of his clothes. His
chest was the color of boiled lob
ster: but he couldn't for the life Of
him tell what was the matter. Then
his eye rested upon something white
on his shirt. He picked up the gar
ment and examined It. Ten minutes
later he came slowly downstairs with
a dry mustard plaster in his hand
while thunder clothed his brow.
Going up to Mrs. Cooley, he shook
the plaster under her nose, and said
in suppressed voice:
Did you put that thing in my
clothes?"
81 did it for the best, John" she
said, 81 thought"
"Oh, never mind what you
thought. You've taken the bari
clean of of my bosom, so I'm as raw
as sirloin steak, and I'll probabl!
never be well again as long as | live
That lets you out. You play no more
tricks like that on me. Now, minC
me-
, Then he slammed the door anC
went out. Mrs. Cooley doesn't know
to this day exactly what effect thu
grasshoppers are going to have oil
the election.-N. ". Weekly.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1909-09-30
A Politician.

"Im afraid I'll never be able 10
teach you anything, Maggie" was the
desrairing utterance of a Trenton
woman to new Irish domestic
Don't you know that you should al
ways hand me notes and cards on
s2lyer?"
Sure. mum, | knew" answered
Maggie, "but didn't know you do
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1909-09-30
His Idea of RCnanZn,

A certain man had a disastrous
experience in gold mine speculations.
One day a number of colleagues
were discussing the subject of spe-
culation, when one Of them said to
this speculator:
"Old chap, as an expert, give us
definition Of the term bonanza. :"
A bonanza, replied the expert
enced man, with emphasis, lis a
hole in the ground owned by a
champion liar!"
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1909-09-30
Death from Sunburn.

A gun fires only a Few feet into
the water, but the terrific electric sun
ray bores right down into old ocean
fifteen hundred feet. Such tremendous
power can seriously injure. Death
has come from sunburn of more than
human body. the death burn coming
from shock, injury and putting the
skin out of business. Similar death
has been caused by goldfoilng. gild-
ing or painting with gelatin the whole
body of actors and masqueraders.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1909-09-30
FIVE KINDS OF
NOVELS.

Clement Shorter, the English critic,
finds five kinds of successful novels:
First, the novel of genius; secondly,
the work of the skillful manufacturer
from history; thirdly, the novel of in
decency; fourthly, the novel Of bigo-
try, which plays upon the prejudices
Of the religious public; filthy, the
novel of commonplace reflection and
cheap claptrap conversation. In Amer
lea, at least, we know a sixth kind;
novel which born not of history, geni-
us, bigotry or any debatable thing, has
a seasons success as little explainable
as a sporadic Gaze of measles.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1909-09-30
ROCKEFELLER'S VIEWS
FIRST HAND.

1t is interesting to know the views
of Mr.. John ID. Rockefeller on the sub
iect Of money-making. These views
have not reached us secondhand, but
are from his written word, reproduced
in facsimile of his handwriting on the
front cover of the Worlds Work.
Says Mr., Rockefeller, in bold red ink:
Il know of nothing more despicable
and pathetic than a man who de-
votes all the waking hours of the day
to making money for the moneys
sake" Coming from such a source
this statement is interestingly true
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1909-09-30
A Comfortable Seat.

A certain stately. middle-aged lady
has the habit of adding on to her SEN
tences phrases out of their natural or
der, thereby not infrequently electri-
flying her hearers. Recently she was
greatly surprised to have the follow
ing simple statement of hers greeted
with shouts of laughter: when l ar
rived at the house, there was the
minister sitting on a chair and three
ladies'
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1909-09-30
Their Latest Game.

4 busy mother who was distracted
by the noise in the nursery hastened
20 the room and said to her little
daughter:
Minnie, what do you mean by
shouting and screaming? Play quiet
ly, like Tommy. See, he doesn' {
make a sound"
"Of course he doesn't" said the 1t
tie girl THAT is our game. He is
papa coming home late, and am YOU
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1909-09-30

NO one understands mel" he groan-
ed; no one ON earth"
Il is the old story wrung from many
q tortured, youthful heart. The suffer
er is generally mistaken. but the pain
is no less poignant. Yet in this in
stance the mans complaint was true.
Nobody or earth could understand
him.
For he was an announcer of trains
at the Union Depot.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1909-09-30
SLAUGHTER VS.. NO
SLAUGHTER.

Millions of steerage passengers
have been landed here by the company
without the loss of a single life, and
without a serious accident of any kind
Compare this record with the fright
full loss OF life and the terrible sacri'
fee of property on our American rail
roads! Talk about the dangers OF
the deep" Water is safer these days
than land.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1909-09-30
PROVING I'M NOR
TAlITY.

OF all the queer ways of trying to
prove the existence of a soul it seems
to us that weighing a person at the
point of death to see If anything was
lost in the process reaches the limit of
absurdity. That the passing soul
eigked about an ounce, If it was a
fact, might explain the difficulty we
have in communicating with it.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1909-09-30
SIGNS OF THE
bW AKENING.

The fact that China proposes max
ing a big bond issue is all the evi
dence needed to prove that American
ideas are at last making a dent on the
old empire.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1909-09-30
Wanted a Pusher.

what did the new neighbors come
TO borrow now?"
They wanted the lawn mower
"Is that all?"
That was all they spoke about,
but | think from the day they STOOD
ogound they liked to have borroWeo
my husband to run it."
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1909-09-30

The present condition of Hayti and
San Domingo shows that liberty, fra.
tcrnity, and equality being proclaimed
and adopted, all has not been done
that must be done to establish the
LigLer forms of civilization.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1909-09-30
Fierce, All Right.

Now" said the teacher, who hao
been describing the habits OF bears
what is the fiercest animal in the
polar regions, johnny"
"Why-er-er," stammered johnny.
Come, don't you remember? The
pol"
"Oh, surel The pole cat"
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1909-09-30

Yilkes-Barre, Pa-Seated on the
ling Of a porch, at house where
was wedding guest simon Bolin.
:, of Sawyersyille. was waving his
as in fit of laughter over funny
ry, when he slipped. He fell back
rd, striking on his head, breaking
neck and died short time after
rd
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1909-09-30

The decrease OF registration at
Harvard is inexplicable in the face of
the university's t.iple victory in col
lege sports over Yale. Must further
proof of pre-cminence be furnished
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1909-09-30
CHEAPER AUTO
MOBILES.

The doom of nigh automobile prices
has sounded. One can buy better
car to-day for $1,000 than he could a
few years ago for $4,000. 1t is only a
matter of time nov until any man who
can affort to keep horse can anord
to own an automobile.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1909-09-30
SMING THE sHREW BY COLOR
'anse of Wall Paper Makes Angelic
Wife Of Vlraqo.

paris.-The latest Partisan cure"
for bad temper, according to a
l-y which a writer in a morning
ger vouches for. A husband who
? been living inharmonlously with
wife consulted a doctor. No cause
1g found for the disagreemnts, the
tor visited the patients home and
re found red wall paper on the
Is. The doctor ordered a change.
ID" he said, "eXcites some tenn
s; try blue" which soothing expert
ut was made, with the result that
disposition OF the wife became as
,elic as before and the husband
set tempered According to the
tor, a blue room tames the most
citing shrew.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1909-09-30
THE EGGS
BIRTHDAY.

Our esteemed contemporary, the
Detroit Free Press, offers very prac-
tlcal suggestion when it says that all
eggs should be dated with the hour
and day they are laid If this were
done, lots of trouble could be avoided
IN restaurants.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1909-09-30
An Observant Youth.

Sunday-school Teacher-What was
Adams punishment for eating the ior
hidden fruit, Johnnie?
Johnnie (confdently)-He had "
marry Eve.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1909-09-30

Hong -Iong's Fine Harbor.
The Hong-Kong harbor has wa
ter area of ten miles, and is regard
ed as one of the finest in the world.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1909-10-07
NEWsY STATE NOTES.

Declaring that the two South Dakota
senators have been working for "his
official decapitation for political
reasons, and that he has decided TO
relieve the president from further
embarrassment, Robert S. Person,
auditor for the interior department
rendered his resignation TO take effect
December /. Person said: For sew
eral months past the president has been
greatly embarrassed BIZ the political
situation in which am factor. Since
his Inauguration. the two senator's from
South Dakota have been persistently
demanding my official decapitation for
political reasons, although all of us pro.
fess TO be republicans ] have decided
10 relieve the president from further
embarrassment incident 20 the industry
OF the two senators from my home
state in demanding my separation from
the service lie is needless 10 say" he
continued, "that hereafter / will enjoy
freedom of expression and action in
public and political affairs which is
denied me in my present position. .
Lieutenant Governor Howard O Shober
Of Highmore, 5 D., is appointed Per.
sons successor
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1909-10-07


When out hunting everybody should
be dressed as gentleman, and the
most detrimental thing to fox hunting
II the modern innovation (really gross
laziness and an insult to the hunt and
the MASTERY Of young gentlemen CON-
ing out dressed In rat catching clothes,
shooting caps and fancy costumes of
their own, and much harm IL done.
There Ia nothing the farmers dislike
90 much ~ this habit for they never
know whether such persons are rough
riders or gentlemen or people from the
towns or who they are galloping over
their land and over their fences.
There II but one proper and legiti-
mate fox hunting dress for gentlemen,
and that II red and black coat, white
breeches, top boots and high hat, and
certainly thirty years ago nobody
would have dared to come out dressed
otherwise. Where the hounds belong
to the country. landowners are en-
titled to wear the hunt button, but !
do not think that this entities the sub.
scribers to wear It unless they are In
vited to do % by the master or by the
committee, as the case may hes-'The
Highest Authority" In Baily's Maya
zine.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1909-10-07

1t is always a pretty sight to come
upon wild animals asleep. 70 graceful
are their attitudes. The fox curls him
self up with all the charming, luxuri-
Gus air Of cat. He rests his head In
the lap of the two front pads. then
twines his brush neatly round over his
long pointed nose. He Is light sleep
er, but hares and rabbits are still more
easily reused.
We believe they sleep with their eyes
wide open. The uncapped lenses Of the
eyes remain active through sleep, so
that any vision Of danger impressed on
the retina conveys an automatic alarm
to the slumberer's brain. People are
sometimes puzzled when In open fields
they notice dozen or more hare forms
within few yards Of each other.
They may conclude hares swarm In
those fields. Probably the reason for
tia many forms h that hare likes to
fnce the wind when sleeping and 20
scratches ont many forms to suit the
windy changing directions --st Jamss'
0anotta
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1909-10-07
TESTED AND PROVEN
There is Heap of Soiace In
Being Able to Depend Upon
Well. Earned Reputation.

we'll Earned Reputation.
For months Webster readers have
seen the constant expression OF praise
for Doan's Kidney Pills. and Rad about
the good work they have done in this
locality. Not another remedy ever pro.
duced such convincing proof of merit.
Mrs. Amanda d. Holccmb, of Red.
field, s. Oak, says: Nearly every
member Of my family has used Doan's
Kidney Pills and all speak well OF them.
j suffered from kidney complaint for
more than three years and Doan's Kid
ney Pills greatly relieved me. When
ever ! take cold OF feel any symptoms
OF backache. always appeal TO Doan's
Kidney Pills and they never fail to give
satisfactory relief Some time ago, my
daughter, after recovering from an
attack of typhoid fever, noticed that
her kidneys were disordered. Iadvised
her to try Doan's Kidney Pills, she did
so and was entirely cured of the COM
plant.
For sale by all dealers. Price 80
cents. Foster Milburn Co, Buffalo,
New York, sole agents for the United
States.
Remember the name oan's--and
take no other
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1909-10-07
THE TURTLES HEAD.

Chopped on, II Retains Life For Z
Number Of Hours.
On the counter. In porcelain dish
stood the severed head OF large tur.
tie.
THAT ID rather grewsome," said a
man who was buying oysters.
The oyster opener glanced at the
head ,carelessIy.
1T - q bet" said he. II bet Gus
Schmidt that the head would keen
alive twenty-four hours. IT'S nearly
twenty-five now since I chopped Il
Oh. Gus n lata BSt win anyhow"
be added,
where's my money! Pay me my
moneyr' deep voice shouted at this
moment. and short man staggered
IN.
You've lost Gus" said the oystsr
opener. There n sim life IN her"
There is~-nit," said Gus schmidt.
NIX On the lffs."
Ara he extended a stumpy digger
fsarIsssly toward the turtles mouth.
~6eegs A M
etArt1sd. amazed. Gus Schmidt leap
"a hack For In the turtles open eyes
Z nercs hight had flashed. the ugly
mouth had opened and shut with .
sharp snap. and the head In some
strangs way had advanced an inch or
two toward the tempting finger, much
- q piece Of steel advances toward =
magnet.
This may surprise you, Gus,' said
the oyster opener, wiping his wet
hands IN order to pocket his winnings.
hut Il don't surprise me none. rye
~een turtle heads keep life ia .Sn long
swsn this here"--New Orleans Times
Democrat.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1909-10-07

A veto, used In connection with pub
Nc acts. Is a euphemism for smother,
squelch. kill, etc. Owing to our elab-
1orate system Of vetoes our country
may well be called the veto country"
IL member Of congress wishes q
bin passed, II may be vetoed BY the
speaker
III tbe speaker wishes It passed, 1t
nny he vetoed BY committee.
III the committee wishes II passed. II
may be vetoed BY the house.
X the house wishes It passed, It may
he vetoed Ny the senate.
n the senate wishes 1t passed. II
may he vetoed ~ the president.
liz the president wishes II passed. II
may be vetoed by the supreme court.
N tss supreme court wishes 4
passed, A nay - ignored and thus
vetoe6 ~ my executive oGlcer intc
whoee honds A nay fan
II ! MI vuroee1s = Gettine through
Nj fheoo eofely, A - a Gocd Bot thai
\ u sornethinG the poeCle ~ not WANT
-Ellle q. Jonee T. ~
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1909-10-07

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The Miller press. [volume] (Miller, S.D.) 190?-current, 1909-09-23
FALL PAINTING.

The majority of property owners
are under the impression that spring
time is the only painting time. But
the fall Of the year offers several adj
vantages to the painter. One of the
most important is that surfaces are
almost sure to be dry, and there is no
frost or inner moisture to work out
after the paint is applied.
Pure white lead-the Dutch Boy
Painter kind-miXed with pure lin
seed oil (tinted as desired) gives a
winter coat to a building that is an
armor against the severest attacks of
the winter rain, sleet, winds and snow.
National Lead Company, 1902 Trim
ity Bldg, New York city, makers of
pure white lead, Dutch Boy Painter
trademark, are offering to those in
terested a complete painters outfit,
consisting of a blow pipe and lead
tester, book of color schemes, etc.
State whether you want exterior or
interior decorating.
The Miller press. [volume] (Miller, S.D.) 190?-current, 1909-09-23
From Overhead.

A canary hung directly over the big
square table in the Hungarian res
taurant.
Once" said a woman who was din
ing there, the bottom dropped out
of the cage, the bird flew at the or
chestra yonder, and we had bird seed
in soup. 1t was awful"
That reminds me-" said the cross,
eyed man, of one time when we were
having a little game Of poker on the
B. & o. You know how those trains
roll. Well, just about the middle OF
the game down came all the grips and
dress suit cases straight into the
kitty and broke up the game. Money
flew everywhere. We got so mixed
we couldn't tell which had won or
where the money was that whoever
had won it won. Talk about bird
seed"
The Miller press. [volume] (Miller, S.D.) 190?-current, 1909-09-23
Steamed Apple Dumplings.
Coffee.
Limited Responsibility.

Little Septimus had been very good
and had recited The BOY Stood on
the Burning Deck with Admirable feel
ing for the benefit of his Uncle Rob-
ert," said George w. Tasker Of Phila-
deplhia.
Hes a wonderful boy exclaimed
that gentleman enthusiastically, and
he deserves to be rewarded
$50 saying, he plunged his hand
into his bullying pocket and with much
dificulty-for he was rather portly-
extracted a penny. which he offered
with great Importance TO his good lit
tie nephew. Remember, my boy
he said, that if you take care of the
pennies the shillings will take care of
themselves.
Poor little Septimus looked rather
dubious. | do take care of the pen
MES, Uncle Robert he answered sad
ly, but as soon as they get to be shil-
lings my pa takes care Of them for
me- London Tit-Bits.