The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1909-06-10
TRUTHFUL JONAS
EXPLORES WHALES
Poetical Tar Makes a Trip Into
the Interior and Corroborates
Tale of Jonah
pROCURES SOME INSIDE FACTS
T TX Psjsmss Bearing the Letter AZ"
Prove the Scriptural Character was
Previous Tenant-Evicted Eventu-
ally and Picked Up by His Mates.

Savannah, Calf higher critics
must expose the myths in Holy Writ
they'd better make another guess be-
fore they think they're IL. For yes
terday, when Jonas Horne. of the
barkentine Belle White, had heard a
parson say the tale of Jonah wasn't
right he left his new without a word
and went away from there. He said
he couldn't stand to hear a lie right
after prayer.
Its downright sacrilege," he said,
''the way these parsons talk. The
truth my boy, should aye prevail
it's a winner in walk 1t happens !
was swallowed once by the very self.
same whale that swallowed Jonah.
(Have drink?) This ain't no phoney
tale. And being swallowed thus |
found good evidence inside, that the
Jonah story was o. X. and that the
parson lied.
Il was Just youngster at the time,
a greenhorn on a wha,e-, but thought
] knew most everything, just like your
brand new sailor. Our ship, the Mol.
ly Brown, one day was bein' put about
to start for home when up aloft the
lookout gave a shout
"A whale as big as Noah's ark
Great fish hooks, pipe the spout!
I'VE dropped the boats and started
out to get him mighty quick. We
pulled to windward sneaking down
upon him nice and slick. Old Jerry
threw the harpoon in and then we
pulled away. And was there some
thin doin'? Well, maybe. Somethin'
gay!
81 was standin' at the tiller, think
in l was mighty big, when Mr.. Whale
shoots up beneath and gives our boat
a dig. landed head down in the drink,
and. feelin. quite romantic, l tried to
yell goodby; instead, swallowed
some Atlantic. | feels a sort of sue
tion then, and-gee, it turned me cold
! knew that | was on my way into
critters hold
Then came bump, and then ker-
INK, But nothin' couldn't stop us.
rev as went by that bump it was
h7 epiglottis. At last | hove to in
&ee that was as dark as night. I sat
awhile to catch my wind and get my
bearing right. A funny roar was in
my ears. like tons of rushin' water;
which meant, thought l.. we're travel
in much faster than we'd oughter. |
tried to get upon my feet, but every
time rose that burned fish turned
corner quick and tossed me on my nose.
Then when l tried to fool that whale
by risn' slow and soft, I'd no more got
me half way up when the bloomin'
monster coughed.
1T threw me, cussin', on my face,
and then l feels within my fingers
grasp a bottle that knew must carry
gin! pulled match and tallow dip
from out my starboard boot, and,
lightin' up, set out to make a search
for further loot. And when | takes a
careful squint at where | found the
flask, | spies pair Of sandal shoes.
Now, sonny, let me ask:-What was
them sandals doin' there, in the in.
wards of that whale? And how about
that pint of gin? 1t plainly showed
the tale of Jonah's bein' swallowed by
a whale was surely true, and that the
whale that swallowed him had taken
me In too.
I'm from Missouri when I hear
theology expounded. but as for them
there Bible tales. | guess that they're
well founded. For facts is facts. and
when I'd made another find that day
of a pair of pink pajamas labelled
with the letter u | knew that Jonah
was no fake, but truthful to the core,
and that / stood where he had stood
ten thousand years before.
II was sittin' feelin' peevish. like a
martyr in pit. when somethin' hap
pened sudden and the critter threw a
fit. My light went out, and holy
smoke. the very next / knew
was shooting through his thorax at a
rate l call skidoo. must have dis
agreed with him the way he chuoked
me out. came a-bobbin' through the
waves and took a look about. / was
tickled when noticed that my mates
was close at hand. They picked me
up and every man Just cheered to beat
the hand.
Now, any one who don't believe
the Jonah story's true can come tc
me. well, l don't mind. I'll have
another tool"