The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1909-11-07

quite So said the Hotel Clerk, at is.
It's one OF the most over elections l ever
remember"
Il s'pose you're satisfied with the re-
sult?" went on the House Detective
II have to be, whether I am or not
said the Hotel Clerk. But don't mind
telling you that I'm satisfied with the
election and with the last election and
with the next election and sometimes I
think I'd be just as fen satisfied If we
never had any more elections. I'm dis
appointed IL any man doesn't win, and
I'm also disappointed If he does; only in
that case the disappointed period stretch
es out further. One way l get 1t all in
a sudden lump and the other way it lasts
through four years. and keeps on getting
worse all the time. The candidate that
1 vote for never turns out as I expected
he would, and 1 didn't expect he would
when l did
Its like the last illness of family
pet, campaign Is. You work over the
suffering animal and spend your money
trying to help him, and you sit up nights
with him. But then the end comes, and
it's up to you to either stuff him as an
ornament or to bury him in the back
yard without flowers. Ills the same with
candidates as with dogs; IL it doesn't hurt
the dogs feelings to have me saying 80.
Your man wins, We'll assume. He be-
comes Ponto Stuffed. Any time you feel
as IL you'd like to get the worth of your
vote you drop down to the city hall
or run up to the state house, as the case
may be. and have a peep at him. There
he Is, all gussied up in his little glass
case, with sweet smile chat won't come
off painted on his lips and pair of nice,
clear. bright crockery eyes in his head
that can look right at you and never see
you, and seam down his tummy to show
where the official taxidermists have re-
moved his heart and other important or
gans and filed him with sawdust and
arsenic. Or suppose he gets licked That
makes him Ponto Buried. You lay him
away behind the smokehouse and plant
a forget-me-quicx vine over his grave
and go out to look for a new and harder
breed of pup upon which to bestow your
affections.
Anyway, I guess maybe I'm begin
ming to lose interest Ia our great polit-
ical campaigns since all the poetry be-
gan to die out of them. The gasoline
that used to burn in the torchlight
professions has gone into the automo-
bile and the place where they clean
hats while you wait The romance and
the oratory are gone too. There's no
call for silver tongues any more un-
less they're trying a night rider in
Kentucky or Senator Bailey In Tex
as. Don't you remember. Larry, the
h>iycon days when we'd have those
! glorious rallies on the night before
and the night after election, the dem
ocrats having theirs on the night be-
fore and the republicans theirs' the
night after when the red fire would
burn and the toy cannon would go off,
taking one or two patriots and parts
of patriots with 1t. and when, with
flambeaux on their shoulders and the
Kerosene dripping down on their noble
brows, the great common people would
go marching by, rank after rank, and
getting ran1ser all the time, the lead
ers being In carriages and the voters
on foot and both likely to maintain
those respective relations for some time
to come? And don't you remember the
transparency they always let you carry
II you were a very enthusiastic party
man, that had candle in 1t and can
vas sides with inspiring slogans let
tered on. and was held upright by a |
two-by-fou resting in the pit of the |
at the start and 2407 at the finish? All.
those were the days when a man coul6 |
really enter into the spirit of the thing
and have an excuse for staying out late
every night for two months. What have
We to compare to that now? Nothing. A
few gentlemen connected with the great
public utilities. such as light, gas and
transportation, get together at q club
somewhere and decide that all things
being considered twill be best to have
one smooth-face candidate and one with
Whiskers, in order that the populac ca
may have oh dice to select from. Aft
er which We have a cash register pri-
mary, card index campaign, the u tai
poll Is figured up an adding ma
chine and victory, instead of perchinr
on the banners Is stamped out with a
bell punch. Eventually I look to see
trading stamps given away with each
vote and every tenth man will have a
chance In a set Of plush furniture. Poll
tics these days is about as exciting as
wand drill by the Girls High school
Of Sebula, Ia
Il guess you're right" said the House
Detective gloomily. yet I thought them
suffragetters wuz goin to throw a little
ginger into this here last election, such
as breakin' up the meetin's an bullyras-
gin the candidates. But nothin came
off,
II . tno llIne OF the year that's at
fault" said the Hotel Clerk 1.-THE fathers
of tho republic never thought we'd have
strong suffragette movement in this
country or they wouldn'tve made election
day the first Tuesday after the first Mon
day In November. You see, the early
part OF November Is an off-season, so
to speak, too late for fall styles and a
trif1e early for the fashionable winter
modes. You can't expect self-respeot-
ing suffragette, no matter how enthusi-
astic she may be, to take an active part
in campaign II she's all narrowed I'D
by the thought that possibly her cam
pafgning costume is either two weeks
too late or else three weeks too early.
If we'd mako election day the Monday
after Easter Sunday, I think it would
strengthen the cause greatly.
'Im also afraid the American leaders
made serious mistake when thew se-
lected yellow as their color, for, as YOU
know, Larry. or If you don't know any
lady will tell you so, yellow is a color
that Is Very very trying on some COM
plexions. l throw it out merely as a
friendly hint and they can take It or
leave it alone, just as It suits them. I'd
change the suffragette color, say four
times a year, to crushed caterpillar or
warm elephants breath or whatever the
prevalent tone of the coming season was
going to be. They'd have a million new
converts In no time. all with shoes, hats
and parasols to match. Or they might
adopt the more tasteful and becoming
colors of the English sisters that were
brought over here the other day by Mrs
Cpo pbhurst think tha mama to oroa,