davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-17
He Told the LAWYER.

Lawyer s. is well known for hi1 IN.
comely habits. He cuts his hair about
tour times year and the rest Of the
time lool-3 decidedly ragged about the
ears. He was making witness de.
scribe barn which figured In his last
case.
"How long had the barn been
buiity'
"Oh, don't kn,w-about year
uebby, about nine months p'r'aps."
But just how long? Tell the jury
how long it had been built"
Swell, don't know eXactly-quits
awhile"
Now. Mr.. B., you pass for an intel.
hgent farmer, and yet you can't tell
ne how old this barn is, and you
have lived on tie next farm for ten
years. Can you tell me how old your
own barn is? Come. now, tell us how
Old your own house Is, If you think
you know"
= Quick as lightning the old farmer
replied:
You want to know how old my
house is, do We? Well, it's just about
Is old as you be, and the roof needs
seeing to about us bad"
In the roar that followed the witness
stepped down. and Lawyer 8. didn't
call him back.-London Globe.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-17
An Acceptable Clock.

A we'll known professor sometimes
became so much interested in his lee
ture that when the noon bell rang hx
kept the class five or ten minutes over
the hour. Certain restless spirits
among the students thought they would
give him gentle hint, so they bought
an alarm clock. set it to go Off precise
ty ut noon and placed it on the profess.
ors desk when they came in to thu
next lecture. They knew that he was
little abscntminded and expected
that he would not notice 1T. AS the
noon hour struck the alarm went of!
with a crash, and those of the class
not In the secret started and took in
the Joke ut once. There was round
Of applause. The professor waited un-
til the alarm and the applause were
over and then said: young gentle
men, thank you for this little gift. i
had forgotten 1t was my birthday. An
alarm clock is something my wife has
needed for our servant for some time
1t is q very kind remembrance on your
part" The professor then went on to
finish demonstration interrupted by
the alarm.-London I'it-Bits.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-17
FooIino the Beans.

A Yankee of the quaint old time type
was preparing to bcstow IL coat Of
whitewasll Oh his henhousc one spring
long ago. He had completed the mix
Ing of the whitewash. writer in the
Manchester Union says. and. lookin.
round for something on which to try
1t, picked up bean pole and ran the
brush over it. Another local character,
who was driving by. stopped his horse
and called out: Hello! What We white
washing your bean poles for?''
Thought everybody knew that beans
grow better on birch po!cs." returned
the other without pausing in his work.
"Ye don't expect to make birch poles
that way, do yep
"Mcbbe not. but whitening OF em II
make the beans think the poles are
birch anyhow"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-17
Names In Alaska.

Life in Alaska is uncouth in parts
but 1t has Its refnements. In Naldes
there lived Il man named lake, who
kept boarding house for. dogs. When
the prospectors returned from thei,
Sled trips they would place their teams
in his charge until ready to start out
again. AS he fed his guests on gar.
bage gathered by house to house can
vass. he was known by every one as
"Slop Jake"
Once upon time he fell Ill, and the
newspaper wished to chronicle the fact.
No one. however. knew Jake's other
name. and IT didn't seem worth while
to waste the time of the editorial staff
on SO Insignificant detail. So the
news was printed thus:
Our we'll known fellow citizen. S
Jake, is confined to his house with a
severe cold 1t is hoped he will he out
New York Times.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-17

inicencences. Beside the good
wishes for many more happy
birthdays, Mrs. Finley was the
recipient of a set of teaspoons,
and several pieces Of China.
Guests beyond the neigEor-
hood were: Mr.. and Mrs. Chas.
Alexander, and Mr.. and Mrs.
j. S. Simpson, of Mo. Valley,
and c. A. Fountain and family,
of Modale. =.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-17
Origin of Cemeteries.

In ancient times burials were always
outside the walls Of a city or town.
Indeed. before the time of Christianity
II was not lawful to bury the dead
within the limits. About the end OF
the sixth century st. Augustine obtain.
ed of King Ethelbert II temple of idols
used by the king before his CONVEX
sion-and made burying place of 1t
and st. Cuthbert afterward obtained
leave of the pope "a. D. 752) to have
yards made to the churches suitable
Tor the burial of the dead.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-17

Edward o. Terrell, a hotel
keeper in Spokane, will become
a rich man if his present streak
Of luck continues. At an auc-
ton sale few days ago he
bought a box of clothing and
kitchen utensils on a bid Of
$1.25. In addition to more than
$50 worth of new wearing APP
parel and expensive china he
found a $500 bill, neatly tucked
away in q vest pocket with sew
eral cuttings from New York,
Chicago and Boston papers.
There is no clew by which the
former owner can be identified.
Ferrell calls himself "a regular
fiend for auction Sales" and
says he has cleaned up several
thousand dollars in various
parts of the country during the
last Is years. While in Mon
treal, five years ago, he bought
a small package at an auction
sale for IS cents. It contained
a gold watch and several hun
ldred dollars worth Of jewels.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-17
Tho Little Ones.

1t was bright and very original lit
tie hoy named Barber. who, upon hear
ing his father speak of their neighbor.
MIR. Wood and his children. the little
splinters." and Of another neighbor,
"Mr. Stone and the little pebbles" re-.
marked: Il suppose IL they met papa
they would say: Good morning. Mr..
Barber. How are aIl the little shaw
ers!'"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-17
J. S. Dewell was a passenger
to Co Bluffs today.
Publicity.

Publicity.
The Daily Des Moines Capital
says: "The last general assem-
bly, enacted a law requiring the
proceedings of regular or spe-
cial meetings of the board of
aldermen, or city or town coun-
Gil of any Incorporated city or
town to be published in two o
more newspapers of general
circulation in said city or town.
The city or town clerk shall pre-
pare the proceedings for the
press. They must also publish
a list Of all claims allowed, the
amount of money to be paid out,
etc. The price to be paid shall
not exceed one-third of the le-
gal zee provided by statute for
the publication Of legal notices.
This is an age of publicity.
The next general assembly
should enact a law requiring
school boards to publish their
their proceedings. The expense
would not be great and the gem
eral public would be much pleas
ed"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-17
Spain Makes Voters Vote

Over in Spain they have a
way of making voters vote.
Failure to exercise the privilege
is punished by having their
taxes increased 2 per cent and
their names published for CEN
sure. And if that doesn't
make them do their duty, then
their salaries are reduced, if
they hold any public position.
That is sure to fetch them up
to the mark. Detroit News.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-17
Four Kinds Of Trouble,

Judge-Waat have you to say as to
the charge that while the husband Of
one women you married three othersi
Bigamist : Simply this-that haying
four OF kind isn't what 1t is cracked
up to be.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-17
His ADVANTAGE.

"You can't spell long words like hip.
popotamus and parallelogram." said
The little boy who wore spcctacles and
sailor suit
WE'LL" answered the boy who was
leading n dog by piece Of rope. "dar's
where l'm lucky. don't have IT,"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-17
BeebeetoWn

Miss Ella Coleman is visiting
friends in Woodbine this week.
Rev. Carey held services at
Pleasant Hill Sunday, morning.
Fred Swan and family visit
ed at F. H. Beebee's, Sunday.
Miss Nellie Mckinney and
Miss Mable Beebee were callers
at 7. Finken's, Sunday.
School closed Friday for the
summer vacation.
F. r. Beebee shipped four
carloads of cattle to Omaha
Monday.
Miss Lesline returned toll. j.
Beebee's, Thursday.
Mr.. and Mrs. Emil Wehrli
entertained guests from Mo
Valley Sunday.
Miss Myrtle Jefferson return
ed to her home in Woodbine
Saturday.
Will Rebehn arrived home
last Sunday.
Henry Sparks is seriously i'll
owing to inflammation of a
wound in the forehead.
Mr.. and Mrs. Leslie Beebee
and son spent Sunday at j. E.
Jones.
The M. E. presiding elder
will hold services at the M. E.
church Sunday evening June
|27.
VIM O'Brien was a Beebee-
town caller, Monday.
Misses Anna Finken and An
ma Longmeyer visited at O. j.
Tylers Sunday.
Mr.. and Mrs. Winnie Dewitt
of Harris Grove attended
church here, Sunday evening.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-17
No kissing ii Spring lii,t

No kissing ii Spring TIM.
An Exchange says 81 hes
spring time has come, gentle
Annie. and ''in the spring q
young mans fancy lightly turns
to thoughts Of love = The bal
!my breeze, the whispering trees,
fair Luna's soft rays, all invite
sweethearts to 60 ssspoo ning. ;,
So, OF course, just at this
time, right at the beginning Of
1.-THE most romantic season. when
the little birds are cooling and
| all nature is wooing, along
comes A. E. Kepford, the state
expert, and lectures on tubecu-
losis.
He officially declares there
must be no more kissing in Iowa.
Mr.. Kepford, who IS q wise
Iold g-scientist, does not de-
nounce kissing in SO many
words. he says, cautiously
THAT he and Iowa are only ta-
king up and carrying on the old
crusade against the elusive ba-
cillus Of tuberculosis.
Mr.. Kepford asserts that this
bacillus is the real kissing bug.
He is about to send to every
mother in Iowa a card inscribed:
"Do not kiss the baby. !"
Mama will hang this warning
around baby's neck or on baby's
Igo- cart.
First of all we will save the
babies says Kipford. .sThen
Plainly an awful threat
is hidden in the word Athen. 4
After the babies are saved the
sign will be hung around the
neck of every giggling school
girl of 6 or z. They will be for
hidden to kiss even each other.
Then" the same sign, will be
blazened on the park benches
where SWANS are accustomed
murmur.
And "then''
IT'S dusk and rather darker.
He, on the porch, awaits the
Only Girl in the world. He has.
found courage to propose. He
hears the rustic Of her flmy
skirts; afraid to raise his eyes,
he knows, for love tells him she
is at his side smiling down on
him. He gets on his feet, street
ches out two arms and hreathes
fondly, Dearest One. 2
"Then" in she dusk he SEES
oh horrors! he sees around her
neck, "Dont kiss this baby
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-17
California Junction Items.

California Junction Items.
Miss Ada Beagle was a guest
at the Andrew Coulthard home
last Sunday.
Mr.. and Mrs. Chas. Alexan-
der, of Mo. Valley, were over,
last Sunday, guests at the Ed.
Scebold home.
Mrs. ]. j. Ford spent Monday
last in Mo. Valley.
Mrs. Quinlin went to Blair
Neb., on Tuesday for a short
visit with friends.
Miss Ruth Smith has gone to
Philip, South Dakota, to assist
her brother W. o., in his store.
Last Sunday, June 10, while
Mrs. j. M. Finley was prepair-
ing the MONDAY meal, 81 of her
relatives and friends happened
in, and she was relieved of any
further duties, for they had
brought dinner with them large
quantities of most delicious edi.
bles for a birthday picnic din.
ner. After that had been prop
erly cared for, the afternoon
was spent in visiting and REM
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-17

The man who sets loaded has q poor
aim - ms.-Deaumeat uex.) Enter.
prtao.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-17
New York's Government Cost

INV lOAN y AOVCl1klllCltIN CSI
Albany Argus The total APP
nropriation as made by the leg
islature were about $40, 100000.
Less the governors vetoes, the
total is $36, 065, 223. SO, $2,097,
200 for the sinking fund ard
$50, 968,023.93 for ordinary
running expenses Of 1903 by
$4,658,622. The total for all
purposes, 1909 as allowed by
the governor, exceeds the ex-
pected state revenues by not
quite So, 600, 600 and the provi-
sion from the sinking fu,d-to
extinguish the states bond ed
Indebtedness is 81, 600, 900 less
than in 1908. These are the
plain facts.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-17
Our Flag.

llszslE -
Our Flag.
Our Flag-what is it-wha'
does it stand for? Our Flag j.
1872 years old; has never beer
trailed in the dust. All hail the
American Flag! Henry Ware
Beecher said:
"Our flag means that our ia.
theirs met in the revolutionary
war; it means all that the Dec.
laration of independence ment;
it means all that the constitu-
ton of our people, organized
for justice, for liberty and fol
happiness ment. Our flag car.
iries American ideas, American
history and American feelings
1t has gathered and stored chief
ly the supreme idea, divine right
of liberty in man. Every color
means liberty; every thread
means liverty;; every form OF
star and beam or stripe of light
means liberty; not lawlessness,
not license, not organized, in
stitutional liberty; liberty thro'
law, and laws for liberty. Our
flag is not a painted rag. 1t is
a whole national history. 1t is
the constitution. 1t is the gov
eminent. 1t is the free people
that stand in the government
on the constitution. Forget not
what it means, and for the sake
!, of its ideas be true to your
country's flag"
II. M. Fitzgibbon went to
Woodbine this morning on bus
illness.
Geo Cannon of Lincoln was a
Valley visitor last night.
VIM Hume returned last
night from Denver, Col.
Mrs. e. j. Dennis who has
been visiting her father Mr..
Steen of Calhoun left this
morning for her home in Mans
field, Mo.
Mrs. 3. J. Chapman and Mrs.
Canote were passengers to Om-
aha this afternoon.
]. P. Martin was a passenger
to Council Bluffs this afternoon.
Mrs. d. j. Album and Mrs.
A. r. LeGrow went to Omaha
today for a visit with friends.
Miss Emma Green is visiting
friends in Logan today.
Mrs. %. ]. Osborne and Mrs.
Mary Turner who have been
visiting at the home of G. S.
Osborne for the past two weeks
returned to their homes this
morning.
Mrs. DR.. Colt is in Omaha
today visiting friends.
Miss Fahne Wilkeson is visit
ing Omaha friends today.
Mrs. John Huntsinger is
spending the week with rela-
tives in Magnolia.
Mrs. G. I. Hopkins is an
Omaha visitor today.
Mrs. John Zahner went to
Omaha this morning on bust
ness.
Mrs. Carl Minder of Salem,
S. D. is visiting at the home of
DR.. Potter this week.
Mrs. w. o. Newton went to
Omaha this morning to spend
the day.
J. S. Dewell was a passenger
to Co Bluffs today.
Publicity.
The Daily Des Moines Capital
says: "The last general assem-
bly, enacted a law requiring the
proceedings of regular or spe-
cial meetings of the board of
aldermen, or city or town coun-
Gil of any incorporated city or
town to be published in two o
more newspapers of general
cirnulatio,, in cod o;4
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-17


Decatur and Bloomington,
ILL.,, baseball teams broke the
worlds record for long games
last week. The two teams
struggled through 26 innings
to settle the contest, Decatur
finally winning by a score of
2 to 1. Bloomington scored
one in the first and Decatur
tied the score in the third, and
the struggle went from that
time on with the same batter
les. The game lasted four hours
and twenty minutes.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-17

Why wouldn't it be a good
idea to have a list of automo-
bile races at the fair grounds
on the 18th.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-17

A merry-go-round is being
set up on the corner of 9Th and
Erie.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-17

Mrs. Hefford of Logan came
down yesterday for a visit with
her daughter, Mrs. G. L. Hop.
kins.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-17

Mrs. W. H. Campbell went
to Omaha today for a visit
with relatives.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-17
Wednesday June is

Wednesday June is
An indianapolis auto scorchel
refused to stop when ordered
by the police. He stopped
however, when the officers
planted a bullet in his knee.
Next time his hearing will be
better. Capital.
Charley Hammer and Levi
Crouch of Modale tread the
Valleys boulevard today.
Us. Wattles attended the
K. c. Morehouse funeral in
Omaha today. Mr.. Morehouse
commenced his railroad career
under j. S. Wattles when he
was Supt. of the S. C. & P. and
F. e. & M. V. as station agent
at Fremont.
L. w. White of Woodbine
was a caller today. He was on
his way to Sioux City.
Report is that 7. V. Bird is
to be married today at Ute, la.
H. c. Heckert, w. G. Fensler
and M. C. Burbank caught a
fine string of Black Bass yes
terday at Mobiles Lake. Mr..
Heckert carried off the honors
by catching the largest and the
most of them.
c. H. Myers of Des Moines
is visiting relatives here today.
Mrs. Schauwecker is on the
sick list today.
Miss Faye Odendahl who has
been visiting Miss Bess Bisbee
for the past few days returned
to her home in Boone today.
Mrs. C. w. Pratt and Mrs.
Davis of Geddes, S. D. are here
the guests of Mr.. and Mrs. w.
M. Carlisle for a few days.
Mrs. VIM Harmon and Mrs.
LaDue are Omaha visitors to-
day.
Miss Hilda Carter entertain
ed the Philathea Christian
Sunday school yesterday at her
home on North End Street.
Supervisors Seitz and Bulls
of Pottawattamie and Hosbrook
of Harrison took dinner with
Engineer Dean at the Oxford
today.
Why wouldn't it be a good
idea to have a list of automo-
bile races at the fair grounds
on the 18th.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-17

Mrs. w. o. Newton went to
Omaha this morning to spend
the day.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-17

Supervisors Seitz and Bulls
of Pottawattamie and Hosbrook
of Harrison took dinner with
Engineer Dean at the Oxford
today.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-17

Mrs. VIM Harmon and Mrs.
LaDue are Omaha visitors to-
day.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-17

Miss Hilda Carter entertain
ed the Philathea Christian
Sunday school yesterday at her
home on North End Street.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-17

Mrs. Carl Minder of Salem,
S. D. is visiting at the home of
DR.. Potter this week.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-17

Oscar Larson and bride of
Kiron, Iowa, spent last evening
with Mrs. Ella Hall. They
were on their way to the Black
Hills, where they will spend
their honeymoon.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-17

Mrs. C. w. Pratt and Mrs.
Davis of Geddes, S. D. are here
the guests of Mr.. and Mrs. w.
M. Carlisle for a few days.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-17

Your money back if Hyomei
doesn't cure catarrh, bronchitis
asthma, tonsilitis, Group, coughs
and colds, that's Robt. w. Har-
vey's offer. Complete outfit
Sl.O0 1918
Mrs. Neal Mcleod and Mrs.
VIM Muller and son are spend
ing the day in the country at
the pleasant home of Mr.. and
Mrs. Bert Lewis.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-17

Mrs. John Zahner went to
Omaha this morning on bust
ness.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-17

w. j. Roden is in Omaha on
business today.
The Washington times., 1909-11-17
BISHOPS CONSIDER
UNIVERSITIES NEEDS
Catholic Dignitaries, in Sc
cret Session, Outlining
Policy for Next Year.

Important matters affecting the ad-
ministration of TIE Catholic University
of america were slated for cOnsidera-
ton TODAY at a meeting of the board OF
trustees at Mcmahon Han. BrOokland,
with Cardinal Gibbons presiding. The
meeting. which convened at 10 o'clock
this morning was TO remain In session
until O'Clock. when the proceedings
were to be made public.
The trustees present, besides Cardinal
Gibbons, are Archbishop Ryan, Of Phil
adelDhia; Archbishop GIennOn, Of St
Louis Archbishop MoelIer. Of Cincin-
nau; Archbishop Messner, of AiilWau-
kee. Archbishop Blenk, of New Orleans;
Archbishop Ireland, of St Paul; Arch
bishop Farley, of New York. Bishop
Macs, of CCvington; Bishop Foley, of
Detroit; Bishop IIarkins, of Providence:
Mgr LaVelle, of New York: Mgr Sha-
nan rector of the university, and four
lay members. Michael Cudahy. of Chi
cage; Richard Kerens, of St Louis:
Walter George smith, of Philadelphia,
and Eugene Philbin, of New York
Dr. Shahan was the recipient of
hearty cCngrat .latiOns from MS fellow
trustees on bis being made a domestic
prelate by the Pope.
The Washington times., 1909-11-17
Take Off the Fat
Where II Shows

Most women suffer much humiliation
because Of great quantities Of fat, so
located that, TO matter how they dress.
everybody sees that they are abnormal.
This is the day Of the slender figure.
ana fat women are simply not tolerated
ether in business or social affairs. WOu-
en- may not know 4, but men when they
see a rat woman pass them on the
street or IN public places make All man
nef or sympathetic remarks about her
Jhey DO not mean TO be unkind or To
seem unmdnly, but 10 is natural for a
man 70 dislike fat on a woman. Where
tat SHOWS the most there IS where it
must De removed, and as quickly as
possible. This season 8 dresses seem to
be made for the fat WCman's misery
and the slender womau's delight They
expose all the charms of woman AMI
heF uglineSs as Well Exercise and diet
VIII not remove fat This has been
proved. The famous MarmCla prescrip-
ton Wr1ch has met with sucn phenonf-
enal success and has so many OF our
society women as its Sponsors, is now
eeiug sold IN tablet form to meet the
demand Of the public Tor this style OF
treatment These little tablets go into
yoLr system Just ike food They stop
the stomach and digestive apparatus
from producing fat and reduce the fat
upon the body at the rate Of from y
to 10 ounces a day They are harmless
taken even after you have INDUCED in
a hearty meal away from home. They
are sold at all drug stores at 20 cents
= case, or II you prefer you may write
the Marmola Company, Dept. PSI. De-
troit, Mich.
The Washington times., 1909-11-17
A little Diapepsin Will make
you feel fine in FIVE
OninutnC
minutes.

There would not be a case of indi-
gestion here IL readers who are sub
ject TO Stomach trouble knew the ire
mondOus anti-ferment and digestive vir-
tue contained IN Diapepsin. This harm
less preparation will digest a heavy meal
without the slightest fuss or discomfort,
ana relieve the sourest, acid stomach in
five minutes. besides overcoming all foul
Nauseous doors from the breath
Ask your pharmacist to show you
the formula plainly printed on each so
cent case of PaDe's Diapepsin. then YOU
will readily understand why this prompt
~ cures Indigestion and removes such
symptoms as Heartburn, a feeling like