davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-01-02

to go out and nall the kale-why, what
is, that's all?
Next there was a young woman who
gave US series of sacred poslngs IN
the ! mean she just posed, you know,
without providing anything worth men
tioning against taking cold from the
draughts of the stage. Careless young
thing. that. Draughts of the stage
didn't appear to bother her. much less
stampede her. teenchy little bit. She
must be Injured to draughts. Just stood
there on a pedestal, you know, showing
us how Venus and Aphrodite and Hebe
and all those girls looked. and never once
did she so much as shudder from the coid
Now, who's going to hop right up and
maintain and declare that this daring
young woman wasn't well within the aura
of what is known as the sacred? Y see,
it's this-a-way: She was posing. we IL
say. as Venus and Aphrodlte Wen,
Venus and Aphrodite, belonging as they
did 20 the ancient mythologies, were con-
sidered sacred by the folks who strung
along with those mythologies, Weren t
they? Sure they We're! (You go and read
those mythologies and just seeD There
fore the posing girl rightfully and proper
ly formed part of the sacred concert.
didn't she? Think 1t over. that's all. Just
think 1t overt
Then there was q quartet of four young
fellows, dressed as messenger boys. who
staked us to a sacred song and dance.
They hammered on the stage floor with
their feet in way TO put almost anybody
in q sacred frame of mind. l can say.
speaking for myself that they animated
me with the sacred desire to get at them
with a gnarled club, and then get anyway
from there, that I've been animated by
for this long, long time
Oh II was one OF the dandiest little
SUNDAY night sacred concerts, viewed So
ciologicaly, that the present investigator
has viewed for fully two or three weeks
now, and this man Mcclellan cernly has
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-01-02
~

palor serves as sort Of warning,
doesn't It?
Perhaps you haven't as vet expert
enced any actual pain in the neighbor-
hood of your appendix. But as l say,
it's just as well to be on ones guard.
and appendicitis is one Of those things
that's not to be trifed with.
You remember poor little Mrs. Fadey,
and how she wouldn't even admit that
she was sick out of false consideration
for her mutt of a husband. who was
worried by business matters at the time,
and she had appendicitis all the time
and didn't know it, and gracious sakes
alive, how pale the poor little woman
was for a week Or ten days before she
had to go under the knife. Deed. my
dear, she looked precisely as you do
today.
But. of course. the poor dear waited
too long. She waited SO long that when
they put her on the operating table
there wasn't a chance in the world for
them TO save her. and so she died, and
now they tell me that her husband Is
sitting up and taking notice again, al
though he blubbered and went on at her
funeral like somebody possessed. But
mems tears. my dear. certainly are
crocodle'S tears. and that man is all
dressed up these days and looks as spruce
as a lizard. and | shouldn't be In the
least surprised to see him marrying some
big lummox of a blonde woman-he al
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-01-02

ways was crazy about silly-lookins
blondeS-before the crocuses begin to pop.
.'Why dearie must you really be going
so soon? Now, remember what I've told
you, do Your pallor must mean some
thing and If 1 were you Id go right
straight from here to your doctors ana
have him make thorough examination
OF you for you really can't afford to take
any chances and. now ! look at you,
there's something drawn and queer-look-
ing about your eyes-they're sort of poppy
and strained. it were-and your face is
quite peaked and pinched, my dear [
must insist that you have yourself ex-
amined by your doctor this very hour!
Goodbye dearest and please ring me up
on the phone just as soon as you see
the doctor and tell me exactly what he
says-for I shall be worried about you.
precious Good-bye,'
After her visitors departure, however.
Mrs. Bangsmith didn't appear TO he so
terribly worried about the pallor OF her
cherished enemy for she said to herself:
Il guess I've got that big truck horse
good and worried about herself. There
isn't a thing on earth the matter with
her except that she gormandizes and
stuffs herself too much. but I'll just
teach her to go around telling everybody
We know that all OF my upper front
teeth are porcelain just because | trusted
her enough to have her 20 to the dentists
with me when 1 had them fixed!'
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-01-02

where on 9TH street above o, and I reckon
they all were, at that But she's just as
.brazen about 1t as she can be, the foolish
creature, and she just more than vows
and vums that her hats are sent over to
her by a friend of hers who lives in
Paris. II wouldn't be so perfectly ridicu-
lous If the woman didn't always lock so
like a perfect comic valentine and dowdy
that people turn around on the street to
laugh when she struts by as if she really
amounted to something.
by the way, dearle, have you seen Mrs.
Ora bbitt since she got back from Europe?
Well, l was over to see her yesterday,
and deed L think It's pretty nigh time
that woman stopped Dragging about her
smuggling operations, l really do.
why, every time she goes abroad she
fetches back boxful after boxful of SNUG
gled stuff and it would serve her perfectly
good and right if they'd catch her at it
some time and put her name in the papers
and disgrace her
'World you believe IT. yesterday she
showed me six dozen pairs of the most
magnificent sheer. sleazy silk stockings
that you ever saw or dreamed Of, in all
colors of the rainbow besides blacks and
tans: and she told me that she bought
them In Paris for four francs a pair and.
my dear. you wouldn't be able to even
nibble at them in this country for less
Than three or four dollars a pair.
well, it was bad enough for her to
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-01-02

Murder" shrieked the Muse. It's kill
in% me-"
But what is Muse compared to a
kiddo?
Now" says the artist. whom We come
to know as Art. Il will go to the chorus
ladies' ball"
Gle says 1t to himself so that no one
will know in what channels he delights
to let his Bohemian soul roam-so that
no one Will know the little bathing beach
of liberty on which he disports. clad in
the swimming suit of unconventional
that no one will know where he uses his
concertina hat for target for the dainty
toes of the high-altitude kickers)
So when Art slouches in with his dress
trousers on and my dress coat, with a
long, flowing black silk bow tie fastened
somehow to a low-down rundown collar
OF wondrous antiquity, with pumps that
do duty by day as bedroom slippers:
with forearms covered by coat sleeves
(MY coat sleeves). but which are slashed
here and there with wipes from the
broad brush and the smear of oil paint
for Art and soap are strangers)-I say
when Art does all this. twenty-seven lit
tie ones. blondes and others. from the
grand chorus:
"Oh! THERE he is"
Then follows a scene, my friends. Then
follows scene.
In the maze and whirl of the riot OF
the ball, in the dancing and spinning Of
tho waltz, in the half-Nelson of the
deux temps. in the hop-skip- and jump
Of the barn dance. In the high-barred
run-and-jump of the lanciers, in the
squeezy-squeeze-squee of the converse
toire-in all this there is Art.
And there may be sons Of millionaires
at the ball. sons. of men who toiled and
labored and sweated to pile up wealth
that chorus ladies' festivities might at
tract suckers. There may be great and
glorious men there. There may be the
fur-coated. automobile owning, cham
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-01-02

faces so they'll lock as If they haven't a
single. solitary ounce of red blood in their
bodies. What the crazy things imagine
can be attractive about that / m sure L
don't knew, but it's supposed that the
men of today are fond of pale-faced wosn-
en- although I'm sure / don't know why
they should. the great. hulking moody
naddies for I'm sure that most OF them
are fond of plump women. and plumpness
doesn't go with one of those chalky,
ghostly compilations. If the complexion is
real, that is. although lot of women are
now using the strongest solutions OF ar
senic they can get 10 make them look pale.
"Well, I'd just like to see myself ruin
my stomach and my digestion and my
health just to please lot Of ktnky,
critical men. and If my husband doesn
like my complexion as it is. and as the
good Lord made it. well. III find out the
reason why, that's all, and if
"Why, no, my dear, of course l don
mean to even intimate that you We're ever
-, enough to use such stuff as arsenic
for your complexion, although. really
dearie you are extremely, awfully pale,
and | thought that I was complimentlng
you upon being in the fashion when l told
you so.
but are YOU perfectly sure. precious,
that your health is all right? You know.
when one is threatened with appendicitis
one becomes exceedingly pale, as you
know, and it's a good thing, too, for the
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-01-02

his greeting 10 Mrs. Jobson~ as she
poured out the coffee.
Mrs Jobson, however. never becomes
too optimistic on too short notice she
was there" OF course. with proper re-
turn of his cheerful, greetings. but she
wasn't building on his strange. not 20 say
uncanny. morning cheerfulness.
Well said Mr.. Jooson. ss the stimulus
of the Java began to percolate through
his system there we are starting of OF a
new lap OF the Journey. Hope it'll be as
cool as this last lap. Hope It'll be better.
IN fact For my part. I'm going to try
20 make Il better; that sure is what
am"
Mrs. Jobsor mumb'ed some appropriate
phrase in reply, but she wasn't permitting
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-01-02
Art Is weary. and 10 tired:
Art has wrought his soul.
Is he rubbing at confetti?
No. He's rubbing at mole.

lust because I have evening clothes
} And now the Apprentice Lunatic
looks me over and over. He gazes at me
and leers at me and through his head
are running thoughts that l know are
disagreeable. L know he despises me for
wearing evening clothes. 1 know he
thinks I'm proud because l term a din
ner jacket what the common pee-pul
call a ''Tuxeder." l am uncomfortable
while he is around
AS l turn to my book to read word
or two of the higher criticism, a little
folded note, tightly wadded. plops into
the very word l am reading. 1t Is a
message. L read:
Open Front. Open Front. where are you going :
Bald headed shirty shirt. why do you shine:
YOUR masters not in the ruck OF society
MY master. He's been invited to dine.
We are sitting there: the Apprentice
Lunatic and l. both facing the open fire.
both reading books, both smoking pipes
l in my glory and he in his rags. l IN
my dress clothes and he in his jeans. 1
in my pride and he in his driveling ldiocy.
Neither Of US looks at the other. make
no sign that L have even read MS ripaid
note.
Then f1ops another. And Tread:
rIn tinkling glass see the dinky olive drop.
The champagne hsttens till the pretty buooies
stop,
Whilst l. who have no coat, cannot be there.
They'll toast me absent and they'll sing The
Vacant Chair
Oh coat! SILK undershirts are mine,
But who In undershlrts can diner
Now, I know what he wants. He can
not fool me. O-o-o-oh, no! He wants 10
borrow my dress coat. He wants to go to
some low down riotous bachelor dinner
where they'll make him stand up and de-
liver n speech, with MY COAT on. NO!
NO., NEVER!!! He wants to have 'em
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-01-02

able to defeat this colored man, Mr.. john
son. l have never. it is true. boxed with
this dusky exponent of the manly art.
But considerable information has reached
me in respect of his alleged prowess. and
1 am bound to say that, despite some of
these highly colored reports, it seems to
me to be one of the easiest of imaginable
tasks to dispose OF his somewhat absurd
claims to the championship. | am. of
course aware that the colored man is a
very tall and heavy fighter-much taller
and heavier than / am-but these factors
perhaps are given too great consideration
by the persons who are expecting him to
defeat me. Height and weight, of course.
are great advantages, but they will avail
Mr.. Johnson very little. I say this with
out egotism. All followers of the pugiliS-
tic game are aware that ring science
counts for a great deal more than any
other single factor in a contest such as
this approaching one promises to be. and
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-01-02

smuggle the stockings. but It's a good
deal worse. In my opinion. for her to be
so irritatingly blowy about smuggling
them.
'.She told me. OF course, not to breathe
word about the smuggling part OF II,
but she had her nerve with her, asking
me TO keep still when she didn't even
offer me one miserable little pair of the
silk stockings as a holiday gift, and her
with the whole six dozen pairs spread out
all over the place
I'D just like to know, anyhow. how
that woman manages to go to Europe
every two or three years and do all of
that buying that she does. | am sure
nobody ir Washington has the slightest
idea what her husband does for a living.
He has no regular hours, and comes and
goes when he pleases. that much we all
do know It's mighty mysterious. and
I'd give something to know the inside of
it ALL deed | would.
But see here. precious. how extremely
pale you are today, aren't you? 1 just
noticed it.
Il hope il can't be that you are using
that new face waSh-really. though, it s
not a face wash at all. but an enamel
that makes women look just like disem-
bodied spirits. can it?
No? Well, it would be no disgrace, of
course. if you We're using that stuff, see
ing that IT appears to be the fashion these
days for women to try to make up their
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-01-02

ian - suffering from atopny oi o99lii'h
ton Of tie Eumoristic & ands. New YORK.
that IS TO say is unanimously OF the opin-
to, that the mayor can't take a joke
The character of New fork's Sunday
night sacred concerts is the joke New
York, you know, knows very well that
these sacred concerts are not sacred.
That's the joke. See? Ha. ha. ha! Mayor
Mcclellan. if he were not devoid OF risi-
HES. thinks New York would be able to
see this subtle joke and let the sacred
concerts alone But the mayor can't and
won't see it, and now al of US Sunday
night roistering blades of shoe clerks and
things are just as ma-ad about 1t as We
can he. dag-goned il we amt.
Purely and unselfshly in the interest of
sociology the undersigned frequently has
attended New York's Sunday night sacred
concerts Tended one only last Sunday
night for the matter of that, aiming, or
course. at the advancement OF the study
Of sociology.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-01-02
al

be looked upon with decided respect.
notwithstanding these considerations,
! am entirely convinced that | shall be
able to conquer this doughty ring warrior.
I have had it in mind for a number of
years now that in case the time should
ever arrive when we should meet in the
ring my victorious gonfalon would be
displayed. and l have trained with the
greatest care and thoroughness. My
friends will reveal the indubitable fact
that / have always been able to endure an
almost unprecedented amount of punish
ment, and also that I am able to deliver
considerable quantity of the same. l
am therefore free to advise my friends
and well-wishers and the talent generally
that | confidently expect to carry the
eagles above my standard as the his
torian Seutonius would express 1t, at the
conclusion OF our memorable clash
What j. Johnson actually did exude
from his facial orifice was something more
nearly resembling this:
"Har, har, har! So dat liz sawed-off
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-01-02
MRS.

BanSSInUn 70 ntr VlSIt"''
that you're having Il sort OF Ne" 1ea
housecleaning-wha queer 'liiie ~
clean house. MY dear,-and getting III
whole vanloads of new furniture-s IL
really new?-and all that. SO you re eA-
cusable, but don't do it again.
Tuckiton's-you know what a hloeously
hraggy and deceitfuls thing she Sane
she showed me "a mahogany dresser that
had lust arrived and do YOU Know INA, INA,
woman had the unmticated nerve 10 tel
mo that she'd had the mahogany dresser
made to order from selected pieces on
wood picked out by friend of hers dow
i'm South America? Deed and honest sne
did, It's the truth. Did you ever III "i'
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-01-02
-

Canuck thinks he alrs a-gwine tub put
dis heah nigguh uhway wifi a punch, en-
Har, har. har. Dat sh 90 sit man soat:
dat kin o. fulfil sholy do. Ali jes'
KANT make NAH laughin' ma'cheenery
behave wen All heahs whut he all done
saw bout whut he's a-gwine tub to do In diI
heah scrap. Why, All could mex lunch
ont o. To- or five li'H runts like he all. an
then feel like eatin' some polk chops 70.
TIL rest O. nah meal. Eff All KANT Jes.
blow on he all an knock him outn III
ropes, Ah'll eat he alrs fghtin trunks,
deed All will, Har, har. har. All gotta
good noshun tub TEX baby's rattle intuh
de ring an shake II at him an scare he
all most to death, deed All have! Dey
hain't evuh gwine tub be no time when a
E'l' hammered down Canuckian like dat
one kin chase dis nigguh out'n no fightn'
ring. Eff he goes on talkin' dis heah
way, de fust thing yo all knows Anil
go avuh tub his trainin' qua'tuhs an slap
him right smack-d on de umbrella. deed
I will-har, har. har.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-01-02
10

am by no means Understanding the
fighting ability of the gentleman with
whom lam to wage ring battle. 1 am
thoroughly cognizant of the fact that he
is an antagonist worthy of any mans
steel. 1 have watched his progress with
the greatest possible interest, and | have,
together with others, been struck with
the Improvement which he has constant
ly manifested.
Il do not lay too great stress upon the
fact that I am considerable number Of
inches superior to him in height, nor do
1 count too greatly upon the fact that l
outweigh him in the matter of avoirdupois.
These advantages, of course, are not to
be wholly disregarded. But Mr.. Burns
has clearly shown, in his contests with
skilled men in the United States, and in
the ease with which he has disposed of
the strongest British claimants TO the
heavyweight championship. that he Is a
fighter who is able to administer a very
powerful blow. and the man with the
punch, as the slangful phrase has it. must
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-01-02

l am willing to leave it to the record as
to whether l have or have not demon
strated complete mastery, during ell of
my fights, of al of the more esoteric
points of the boxing game. In view of all
of these considerations. 1 am firmly of the
opinion, which l see no reason to qualify
I'm the slightest respect. that I shall be
triumphant in the approaching ring bat
tie
What T. Burns actually said was this:
''TSay, take it from me. youse plugs.
I'm goin' t tuck this dinge away in a
punch and don't youse fergit it. All
gotta is t slip him a coupla wallops in
tn lunch, an thatll settle it. This boog
has got bum kitchenette, l unnerstan'
an that's what I'm goin' t. play firth
bread basket. Don't try t hand me all
O that fluff bout this boog bein' taller
an buikier an all like that than | am.
That's stuff amt goin' t git him nothin'.
He's got a nut shaped like a Edam
cheese, if youse has piped it. an he amt
got nothn' but creamy gravy in that
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-01-02
rs BETWEEN ACTUAL SAYINGS AND NEWS REPORTS

conk, an I could poke him into Dope
vile wit Que mitt chained t me kidneys.
All 1 need t slap that dinge into tn sleep
ward Is a haircut and half an hour s
sleep--I don't need t train at ali fr him.
an I'm ony trainin t git up appetite
FIJI me meals. Jes' youse slip 1t t de
bunch back home that I'm goin' t cop
in canter. Maybe III string and kid
along FIR few roun's sos t give tn
movin' picture guys a chanel fr their
taw marble, but that's all | amt got
no time t waste on these boOgs, an I'm
gon' t. slam him one or two in tn cellar
an then go out an take walk fr some
exercise FIR meself. That's what I'm
gettin' out O. me system an wot I'm
sayin' goes as II lays, tsee?"
Jack Johnson before the clash in Aus
tralia. was said to have said:
Il desire to have it understood by my
well-wshers. well by all who are
interesting themselves in the outcome OF
the approaching contest for the heavy
weight championship of the world. that
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-01-02

HAVE been betrayed: bssely. hrutallv.
1 maliciously, outrageously betrayed I
have nursed viper in my bosom and IL
has bitten me on the leg. | have trcstled
the clnging ivy and now / find II Is OF
the poisonous variety In other and more
simple words. l have been stung.
Not so long ago the Apprenticed Luna
tic young man who. aided by my help
full suggestions, is rapidly losing all symp-
toms of sanity, came 10 me and purred.
He wanted TO write few things for this
column, just some little thoughts that
came into his head o. nights. as the high
ball glow was dying down and the world
was sad and drear.
So l consented. I'm a tender-hearted
thing. and. besides writing this all by
oneself every week grows tiresome and
borefu.
And how has he repaid me? lie writes
things about my scandalous habits, and
never had any. he knocks my friends and
they won't speak to me: he roasts govern
ment officials and they won't give me
news: he puts one across on his brother
and the brother punches me In the nose
and then he gets in a little subtle one
about my firtatious habits and now us
very chilly at home.
Never again. He Is barred from THIS
column. Also l m going to beat MIN To
death.
! know what's the matter with him. I
refused to lend him a quarter once
IRVING G. NORWOOD.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-01-02

days; who Is even now dreaming peas
antly of longs chillsome glasses. full OF
ice and alcohol. sitting up here on high
for the purpose of demoralizing the rest
of the crew? Never, Not at no time!'
So. being denied the consolation of COM
pany of this newly pledged variety. my
friend is in a bad way. He doesn't know
how to show his spite-whether to stay
on his own little wagon longer than any
one on the big cart. or to run along be-
hind it, giving Observation-Disclosures
treatment to those who fall off. He's in
a quandary. Meanwhile, his thirst is get
ting fiercer and hotter and his crouch
deeper and more profound.
AS Mai Dickinson would say about this
friend of mine and his, He amt fit to
be spoken to when he's on a spring water
Diet
"H1 Ho." eayiy sings lons-haired
Frank, the oregon avenue artist.
Called Art hereinafter)
Hi no. sings the Muse.
"Hi no." sings Tit Willow, the sweetest
little canary bird that ever was won In
a SATURDAY night rattle in South Wash
ington.
From Which it may be seen that Art
woos the Muse and that Tit Willow Is q
hanger on all feeding from the work OF
Arts brushes. when he can collect the
money due him, which is awful seldom
gosh. amt birdseed high.
Art is standing before his canvas. put
ting daub here and a daub there, stand
ing back with his head first on the RICH!
side and saying:
THERE
Then standing back with his head on
the left side and saying:
So
Then furiously mixing four colors to-
gether with palette knife in the hope
that he will discover an entirely new
gamboge
For Art, be 1t known. has an order to