The Salt Lake herald-Republican. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1909-1918, 1909-08-14
FREAK PATENTS
AND APPLICATIONS
washington Starr


"Orville is rather an unusual name"
observed former principal examiner in
the patent office, but 1 recall another
Orvllle, besides Orviile Wright, who was
an inventor but whose one patent was
good deal of a joke with a distin-
guished relative of his. This patentee
was Orville Grant, a brother of Cen
eral Grant. Orville Grant got out
patent designed to render the miIkins
OF cows easier Just how practica bic
this invention proved to be was mani
tested by General Grants description
/ of how it worked.
'Orville," said General Grant to some
friends, tried the thing on a COW that
had no respect whatever for patents
Orville didn't look so pretty when he
got through, but he knew a blamed
sight more"
"A lot of folks" continued the former
principal examiner, ARE so hidebound
in their cOnservativeness that they ad-
vert to the Wright brothers aerOplane
as a freak patent. Well, these people
ought to spend a day going through the
records Of sure-enOUgh freak patents
and they'd gain some new ideas on the
subject, There is a neVer-ending
stream of applications for freak patents,
a few years ago an Omaha man
applied for d patent on an electric
hog killing cOntraptiOn. The thing was
so devised that the unsuspecting hog
stuck his head through an aperture in
an electrically wired compartment,
closed circuit by butting mis- snOut
against a metal sheet, and with his
head firmly held in the aperture by
drOp-clutch apparatus, practically COM
mitted involuntary suicide.
Then, there was the appliance of an
other western man for q patent on an
electrical horse. The horse was fash
Toned of aluminium, the body complete
ly covered by tie hide of a deceased
horse, and in every respect the animal
was made to look as natural as life,
even being provided with movable eye
balls. The electrical horse was intend
ed to run with the natural movements
Of a s1Te-enOUgh live horse, and, ac-
cOrding to the applicant for a patent,
was capable Of doing a mile minute,
just cautering.' The inventor didn't
state what he was going to do with his
electrical horse after he got his patent,
but, of course, he didn't get any patent,
for the thing didn't even work out on
paper. much less in operation.
quite a number of years ago q queer
genius in New England applied for q
patent on an improved tombstone, a
metal affair involving a lot of kinks and
designed to resist wind and weather for
thousands of years. One Of these tomb
stones adorns the resting place Of this
inventor in a little Massachusetts, vii
lage, with the following epitaph
wrought on il:
Here lies Wendell, an inventor by trade.
And this, you will see, is an invention
he made.
'Tis strange to say, though It's most truly
said,
That he made it when living and enjoyed
it when dead
"Still slowed away, I believe, some
where in the basement of the patent Of
fee is the rough model of a combination
pillow and cannon, a patent upon which
was applied for during the Indian fight
ing frontier days by d Nebraska farm
er. His farm was near the Sioux reser-
walton, and the cannon attached to his
pillow was meant for the sun dancing
Ogallalas. who engaged in periodical
raids on farms. While blowing In his
field the crafty agriculturalist could. by
simply turning his pillow upside down,
load a small but effective cannon where
with to shoot or scare the prowling red
persons. The plOW-cannOn was pro-
vided with an ammunition box and all
of the appliances necessary for serving
the piece.
"Stin another freak application from
a western farmer was for a patent on
thing he called a hen pusher. It was
intended to prevent hens from scratch
ing and monkeying around III garden