davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1909-03-06

like into your pocket. and take and sit and
sit and sit and watch all of the rakish
marching club that you want to watch,
But not for me. The little old dudeen
and the book for mine on that big insane
day in Washington. Me for the cozy
ingleside when the inaugural parade is
crawling out it's fool snaky length Me
for the comforts Of home and fireside
when you and all the rest of the maniacs
are listening to the hundred suddenly
organized brass bands playing 'Therell
manner I've had my little old dose of
inaugural parades, madam. I should
think you'd have had yours, too. But
women never learn anything by expert
ence, and that's the answer in your case.
Now, out with it-where do you want to
buy tfcket-I mean where do you want
to sit while the pageant-ha, ha! pageant
is passing by?'
Mrs. Jobson, summoning her natural
adroitness to her aid. contrived to side
track the subject after Mr.. Jobson had
INDUCED in quite a little more derision
on the general subject of inaugural pa
rades, and the matter rested for that
evening.
nigh, Mr. Jobson began to exhibit a
certain restlessness. This was indicated
by the fact that he wanted Mrs. Jobson
to walk downtown with him of evenings.
The sight of the stands and the strings
of electric lights all ready for illumina-
tion, stretched across the line of march,
seemed to get Mr.. Jobson sort of het up.
When, on the. day before Inauguration.
the troops and clubs and bands and
things began to drop into town and to
fill the street with fine spine-chilling blar-
Evening star., 1909-03-06

person with his really benevolent eye,
said unto him:
George. or James. or Harold. or Vim
cent-as the case may bel desire to have
my hair trimmed. Not cut you know,
but just trimmed You look to me like
man who ought to be able to perform
the job I mention In capable manner
But there is point upon which 1 shall
take the liberty to instruct you 1t is a
mere vain little whimsicality Of mine,
know; an idiosyncracy. if you will, or
whatever else you desire to call it. But
nevertheless I am going to request you
to indulge me in this matter. You see
these inconsequential little locks In front
Of my ears? Yes? You perceive them?
1t is well. You perceive them. Now. 1
want them to remain there. 1 don't want
TO have them cut off, 1t Is trif1e,
bagatelle. Of course; but I want those
little patches Of hair in front of my ears
to remain right where they are. 1 say
this In so explicit manner for the rea-
SON that. often and often, 1 have suf-
fered from having them forcibly removed
by barbers-not to say defiantly removed
Now, I don't wish that to happen this
time. l am even willing to permit you
to consider me hopelessly insane. If you
will only permit these aforesaid little
side things alongside my ears to remain
Evening star., 1909-03-06
A Bird in the Hand.

TOHN LA FARCE, the famous mural
J painter, received last month in New
York from the Architectural League a
gold medal III his speech of acknowl-
edgment MIR. La Fargo said dryly that lie
was thankful to get, in his old age, a
medal for mural painting from society
of men who. his whole life long, had re-
fused to give him any mural painting
to do.
Il dined with Mr.. La Fargo the other
day said a mural painter, ..and he talk
ed again about his medal. He said he
would have been better pleased with work
in the obscure days when he needed it,
Then he smiled grimly, and said he
WAS little like famous actress. A man.
ager offered this actress 100O week to
make tour of the world. She insisted on
81 800. But the manager said 81 coo was all
he could give, and he reminded her of
the fabulous jewels that South Ameri-
Evening star., 1909-03-06

desires you to consider, it seems. that
she's just a bit of gauze or spider web:
say, drifting on the gentle wings of
Zephyr with a capital z. Her constantly
waving arms help to build up the IL
lusion. When standing still-well. not
still. but when not in the act of loco
moting-she sort of sways from side to
side and hither yon and from here to
there and back and forth and things
in other words. gives the impression OF
restlessness hat you have observed in a
bell boy. The modish woman in the
really kertish empire gown wants to
sort Of simmer. wimple. mildly oscillate
and things. She patterns herself. you
think as you study her. wonderinsly.
upon Kenyon Cox's illustrations of Ros-
settfs Blessed Damosel." Or on those
Burne-Jones hop dream pictures where
women are nine and one-half feet tall
and sway or float off in shadowy cor
ners as If ashamed of their emaciation.
Or upon those now happily defunct
Aubrey Beardsley types of maniacal
women who, somehow Or another. remind
you of tunnel workers with the COM
plant known as the bends.
You'll see 'em-the empire gownaal
women-foating and floating and flicker
ing and Pickering in all of the restaurants
and theaters these afternoons and even
Evening star., 1909-03-06

cameo earrings and such like.
But the Victorian age never, never
produced anything so uncannily hideous
as this new peach basket hat. 1 don't
know If any Of them have appeared in
Washington yet. When they do appear
there they'll create fine young bOomlet
for the saloon business. They were
satanically designed. one can't help but
believe. for the purpose Of driving strong
and worthy men to drink
Wait till you see one or two of them,
that's all.
THE float Is here, too. No, the
float isn't a thing. It has moth
ing to do with a Mardi Gras parade or
anything like that The float" Is a
method. That Is to say. women who
wear empire gowns must learn how to
float
It's a sort Of a walk or glide. this
float affair. whereby the woman wear
ing the dress that hangs straight from
the shoulders seeks to dish out the i'm
preston that she's not walking or an
chored to the ground at all. but that
she's sort of ethereally floating. She
Evening star., 1909-03-06
The Kanqar00.

UTHIs natural aptitude for surgery"
said Mark Twain at the dinner OF
the New York POSTGRADUATE Medical
School. reminds me of kangaroo that
1 saw on my last Australian lecture tour.
81 was riding inland on the box seat
Of stagecoach beside a very talkative
driver. The country was level and light
ly timbered. Now and then. ungainly and
big against the sky line. a kangaroo
bounded in and out among the trees.
They're mighty cute. them hangs.
said the driver. Cute as Christians. some
on 'em. Hank Shuster what owns the
section behind this here creek, he's got a
trained kangaroo that meets the coach
every week and gets his letters for him.
The pouch, ye see, comes in right
handy
I'VE turned bend of the road. and
fine large kangaroo, disturbed in his feed
ing. looked up at us with an innocent,
questioning air
"'Nothin' fer you today, old man"
shouted the driver.
"And the kangaroo, as If that was what
he had been waiting for. bounded into a
clump of trees and was soon lost to view.
That's him. said the driver.
Il nodded indifferently."
Evening star., 1909-03-06
"The Wireless Her0."'
! r Jack Binns. the Republics "v

nF Jack Binns, the Republics wireless
~ hero" the manager Of a New York
theatrical agency said:
II tried my best to land him. went as
high as a thousand a week. But 1t was
no use.
''Binns said that on the boards he'd be
as out OF place as Hawksley's hoss. 1
asked him what Hawksley's hoss was,
and he spun me yarn.
He said man by the name of Hawks
ley went to a horse dealer and said:
Look a-here. l want to buy a hoss-a
useful, all-round. factOtum kind O. hoss.
You know what mean-a hoss I can
ride In the Sons o. Temperance parade;
a good, quiet, family hoss the wife and
Evening star., 1909-03-06
Talk and Money.
WILBUR WRIGHT on the

WILBUR WRIGHT, on the broad.
" green plain Of his school of avia-
ton at Pau, talked about his early strug-
giles.
I'VE had. in those Dayton days." said
he, wonderful offers. magnificent prom
ises, but when 1t came to the actual lay
ing down of money, then gloom descended
on the scene.
"Our friends. with their mouths full of
millions and their quite empty hands, re-
minded me Of a Dayton barber.
This barber said one day as he shaved
me:
That's a fine pup of Simmons I'd
give anything for It,
Well it's for sale, isn't it?' said l.
''The barber burst into sneering laugh
ter.
"'Oh, yes. it's for sale.' said he: but
do you know what Simmons wants for it :?
Why. two dollars" -
Evening star., 1909-03-06

Yes. they'd all been stung a-plenty. The
man from Maryland had had fourteen
relatives from there bunking In the halls
and bathroom and so on over Inaugural
ton. The man from Virginia had taken
care of seven kinsfolk and six friends of
bis youth. The man from West Virginia
had had such a crew Of relations sallop-
ing around his home that he claimed that
be himself had been compelled to sleep
in the sink And so on. They'd all had
their inauguration troubles.
Don't talk; till you hear me-" then
observed the man with the warped cigar.
Don't any of you breathe till tell you.
Say yous people know what a natural
born ,Jonahdoo and hard-lucker and Patsie
I've been all my life, don't you?"
Evening star., 1909-03-06

low Qor him)-'My dear, from what point
are we going to see the parade?"
Mr.. Jobson turned his head sidewise and
gazed at her in a quite mystified manner
Mr.. Jobson wasn't mystified at ALL But
If anybody in the District of Columbia
knows how to look mystiied when 1t
serves his purpose so to look that person
is Mr.. Jobson.
'Parade?" he inquired as IL the word
had been one he had never before heard
used In all his born days. Parade? j.?
What parade?
Already Mrs. Jobson was sorry that she
had spoken. Already she had discerned
that the moment was not SO favorable as
she had supposed. But she had to go
through with it, OF course.
Why" she said, "the inaugural pa
rade. of course"
Mr.. JobsOn laughed a low. mocking
laugh. 1t was a very low, mocking laugh
Evening star., 1909-03-06
Nnecdotes Concerning We'll Known PEOPLE.

Copyright by Estelle klander, 1907
issued "a timely warning to American
women.
Certain demagogues,' she said, Twill
try to ride on the wave Of our movement
into office. They will cozen us with vain
promises. Let us have none Of such men.
Let us remember the fable Of the ant and
the elephant"
She smiled.
'An ant she said, visited a mage
and complained
oh, mage. 1 am in trouble with the
elephant Haidee. She insists on standing
so as to cast d shadow on me. Help me
as man to man.
' Have you argued with her?' said the
mage.
Yes. and she only smiled
Have you threatened her?'
Yes, and she only laughed
THE mage smOothed his long white
beard and unused.
'Humph.' he said at last. Has this
elephant any political views. brother
anti
- oh yes; very strong ones said the
other She is a suffragette.
Very good. Promise her the vote,
said the mage
THE ant" concluded Miss Carey
Thomas, now rides on the elephant S
back
Evening star., 1909-03-06

where they are. Now, you get me. don't
you? And you'll abide by my request,
will you not?'
The barber nodded sulkily by way of
reply. as some BARRIERS will and do.
Then. seiZing his scissors, the barber
promptly cut off, almost level with the
top of the pleasant-looking mans right
ear. one Of those aforementioned
locks.
Whereupon the large man, no longer
pleasant looking, rose calmly from the
chair, turned the barber around by the
shoulders so as to get good w.Iack at
him. and handed him one of the swiftest
wallops on the Jaw have seen delivered
for quite Ii tie while, really.
In no time at all policeman came in
and arrested the large man.
/ don't know what happened to him
subsequently. But 1 hope nothing of an
unpleasant character happened % him.
We need hardy and venturesome pioneers
of his kind in New York, We honest do.
I Ell us approach again-of course. all
l. ways in the proper judicial spirit
this little question of the relative honesty
or graftiness of men and women
You know, OF course, about the theater
Evening star., 1909-03-06

"Oh. you lovely old thing, you! Well.
I always thought you We're the darling
est and cutest Old
Etc, etc, etc. etc.
The four young married men listened 10
the first few emissions from the phono-
graph behind the screen with chapfallen
expressions and gradually paling counte-
nances. Then the bachelor host of the
little poker party went over and pulled
away the screen revealing the talking
machine.
'.IIully chez. but they get these blamed
things up natural nowadays. don't they"
the four young married men said 10 each
other when the spiel of the record was
over.
But after the luncheon they played only
a couple more rounds of jackpots, at that.
Evening star., 1909-03-06

On the pliiow-of a rarebit dream.
You remember, perhaps, those portable
bawthtubs that roaming Englishmen
used to tote along with them when-dis-
trusting our porcelain and nickel bathing
fixings-they visited this country.
There you have 1t. The cabriolet or
peach basket lid looks like one of those
portable British bawthtubs. inverted. and
richly IL weirdly embellshed on top and
at sides with turnips, carrots, grape fruit,
crab apples, paw-paws parsnips, over-ripe
tomatoes, persimmons, deceased birds and
other like fora and fauna of the present
geological epoch.
saw about dozen of them surmount-
ing 5th avenue women yesterday, and 1
Immediately had to inquire of a traffic
cop IL he would kindly tell me il / were
awake or not.
When you first clap eye on one of these
peach basket tents. you first wonder If
You yourself are Intoxicated. and then.
that delightful impression being found to
be ineXact, you wonder If the wearer of
the thing can possibly be-er-well IL the
wearer Of the thing, say, has been in
discreet or something in luncheoning.
The lid. you see. is set sort of sideways
on its wearerS ten or fifteen pounds of
applied or removable hair and this gives
the rakish effect as of too much Moselle
or other cochineal concoction at the after
noon rejection OF the wearer thereof.
Looking at the matter now in the sober
light of contemplation and with a perspec-
tive OF twenty-four hours wherefrOm to
obtain a better view l feel quite assured
that none of the ladies whom / saw in
9Th avenue wearing those hats were in
toxicated. Their gait was not exactly
wabbly. Anyhow, IL was too early in the
day.
Telephone inquiry at the psychopathic
ward Of Bellevue Hospital makes it clear
that no persons in empire dresses. wearing
such hats I have inadequately de-
scribed, escaped from that institution yes
terday.
Therefore the matter is clear Those
hats really were meant. The persons
wearing them were neither artiticially
exalted nor insane. They were just wear
ing those new hats. that's all.
l saw quite respectable appearing men
stop to look At those hats Then they
seemed to be bewidered. Then they
pinched themselves tentatively. Then
they hurtled themselves into side streets
of 5th avenue and shot strangely power
full bracers into their systems. Obviously
stand the gan. and they couldn't help
but wonder whether they were that
way" again or not.
Women in less lunaticaI lids stopped to
look at the new hats and laughed.
However. don't figure on this laughter
of the women who haven't yet got peach
basket top-pieces. YOU debonair hus-
bands who read this For. 'tis you who
know that when your wife laughs at the
latest rarebit nat out. why. 1t is at that
very moment that she Is designing toas :
ing you for the price of one of the same.
relationship TO women's attire, was the
saddest of all history. I refer to crinO-
line. sioping shoulders. side ringlets,
smoothed and parted oily front hair,
Evening star., 1909-03-06
A Boomerang Speech.

MRS. WILKINS FREEMAN the
ASA novelist, condemned, at a luncheon
in New York, the cynicism of Guy de
Maupassant.
"He was cynic. in a measure, because
it paid she said. The French you
know. like cynical, pessimistic things as
We like sugar-and-water, sentimental
ones. | don't know which taste is the
worse
But Maupassant.' she said. was per-
haps a cynic from choice. He liked to
say. whether it paid or not. that all
women are alike. AS for me- whenever
hear a man say that all women are alike,
l am convinced that he has recently had
an experience with one of them that is
by no means to his credit
Evening star., 1909-03-06
A Test of Sympathy.

<T SAW King Victor at Messina," said
journalist. Dark. stocky, alert,
he looked very little beside his tall wife.
He only came up to her shoulder.
king Victor, shaken by the catas-
tophe. was outspoken. He thrust cere-
mony aside with rough gesture.
"A little delegation Of bankers waited
on him. Their spokesman began a flow
ing address of sympathy. But the king
cut short the address at the end of the
first paragraph.
Sympathy, eh?' said he. Well, how
big is your sympathy? What does 1t
weigh in lire, gentlemen"
Evening star., 1909-03-06

HCoQUELIN was very charitable. i"
- said Pittsburg theatrical man.
ager. He did more for superannuated
actors and actresses than any other man
in France. 1 once heard him speak on
charity in the French actors home that
he did so much for.
There are plenty of philanthropists,"
said Coquelin. There are plenty of
philosophers. Plenty, 1 mean according
to the definition that too many of us ac-
cept.'
He smiled grimly.
"'Too many Of u.s. said CoQuelin, de
Evening star., 1909-03-06
Hammerstein's Comment.
OSCAR HAMMERsTEIN at Dime

OSCAR AAMMERSTEIN at dinner in
~ his honor in Philadelphia referred
to the accusations of self f-advertisement
that on every hand assail the impresario
THE great Coquelin,'' said Mr.. Ham
merstein. solemnly. ''is dead. He died
two days after Rostand had come up to
Paris from his hilltop house in Cambo
to rehearse 'Chanticlere.'
Mr.. Hammerstein struck the table a
mighty blow.
Had that happened in America" he
said, 1.-The press would have declared it to
be an advertisement for Rostands new
play"
Evening star., 1909-03-06

There is the milkman at the basement
door this very minute. and you staying
out playing poker until such an hour in
the morning,
And of course. you've lost every cent
of your money, and I'll have to so right
on wearing my old rags for thousand
wears or SO more,
II suppose you haven't even cent left
for carfare to the Office and
What is that you say. Jack. dearie?
oh, don't tell me that and disappoint me
by saying you were only fooling.
you won $50, Jack, you don't mean
it. And you are going to get me that
princess dress that I'm perfectly looney
for and that peach-basket hat, and-Jack.
darling, did you honestly. cross your
heart, win all of that money?
Evening star., 1909-03-06

so crazy yet that I can't read the clock.
but I'm crazy enough, the way I'm treat
ed, heaven knows:
pillow. and I've been looking at it almost
every blessed minute for the past four
hours!
Don't you dare to try to kiss me, sir!
Go away from me! You've been drinking!
Your breath smells horrid. just like a dis
tillery-go right away from me at once!
1 wouldn't kiss you or let you kiss me
for all the money in this wide world,
deed l wouldn't!
"And 1 suppose you'll be telling me that
you haven't been playing cards again
after all of your solemn promises to me?
Don't you dare to deny it, sir! You
promised me faithfully before you went
Evening star., 1909-03-06

ings. And you wonder how such frail-
appearing creatures can keep 1t up for
hours and hours without becoming visibly
tired For you know, you know how in
tensely tired it makes you just TO watch
them.
THERE are Of course. BARRIERS and
1 BARRIERS. Some BARRIERS will even go
the extreme length of cutting your hair
or of shaving you after your own plans
and specifications, instead Of in conform
ity with their own theories as to how
those operations ought to be performed.
But not many.
l was in a Broadway barber shop the
other afternoon-a barber shop all of onyx
and marble and manicure girls and such
like-where an instructive and divert
ing thing happened.
Into the shop strolled large pleasant
looking man. After having divested HIM
self of his outer garments and climbed
into the chair to which he was invited
by a barber who looked as If he might
possess at least the intelligence of a
Gulf of California mollusc. why, the large,
looking man, fixing said tonsorial
Evening star., 1909-03-06

Your little wife, indeed. It's lots You
care for her, you cruel, wicked, inconsid-
crate thing, you.
"And me shaving and toiiing and work
ing nv finger nails off, morning. noon
and night. and with not single. soli-
tary thing to wear that is fit to be seen,
while you carouse and gamble with a
pack Of wretches and loafers who are
just bleeding youi
.'Oh, I just wish my poor. dear mother
knew how you were carrying on. Shed
come to me by the very first train. deed
she would. Don't you dare to breathe one
word against her. She is all I have-boo-
hoo! I wish I'd never left her, SO do!
.I know she would not rest in her bed
If she knew how scandalously you were
treating me, you unfeeling creature!
Evening star., 1909-03-06

After the host had dished out the eat-
ables and moistables, he disappeared be-
hind a screen for a few seconds, reap
pearing so quickly that none of the other
men noticed that he had been out Of their
sight.
Upon reappearing he picked up his little
batch of food and drink and stood gab-
bling with his guests. when all hands were
startled by the reproachful strains of a
shrll feminine voice, proceeding along
these oh. so very familiar lines:
$50 here you are. sir? Do you know
what time in the morning 1t is? 1t is al
most time to get up!
Now. see here. sir, don't you dare to
attempt to tell me that it's only a few
minutes after midnight! I guess I'm not
Evening star., 1909-03-06

out that you'd be home before IL o'clock.
and here it is almost daylight!
You are a perfect brute, and you know
that you are. Coming stumbling home at
this nour of the morning, and thinking
you can make everything all right and
pretty with me by just daring to offer to
kiss me-dont you say another word to
me. sir!
"Oh, know very we'll what you want to
say-tfat there were several new men,
bers initiated at the lodge followed by an
important business meeting. and that you,
as secretary, had to remain until the fin
ish. despite your pleadings to be permit
ted to come home to your beloved little
wife-oh. I know all about the kind of
piffie you've been deceiving me with right
along!
Evening star., 1909-03-06

can millionaires. Russian grand dukes and
Indian rajahs are wont to lavish on the
ladies Of the stage when they are tour
ing.
GO home.' said the manager: think
the matter over. and let me know your
decision in the morning.
In the morning the actress sent the
manager this wire:
"'Give me my terms and you can have
the jewels"
Evening star., 1909-03-06

ES. that new Paris
millinerical "crea-
tion,' the cabriolet
or peach basket
hat, is '.in our
midst"
I'm our midst" Is
tn e a PIP ropriate
term to employ, for
it looks like the
aftermath - when
you sit up in bed
with YOUR elbow
Evening star., 1909-03-06

.iE man with the
warped cigar was
telling about it to
his group Of side
kickerS in an al
cove of q moist
works. He began
IL with a question.
You fellows get
stung much this
Inauguration - was
his query.
Evening star., 1909-03-06

babies can trust themselves to in the cart !;
hoss the boy can ride in the spring
races, and at the same time the sorter
hoss what'll plow double with an OK on
a pinch; hoss. mean ter say
Mr.. Hawksley, said the dealer, with
a sour laugh, we don't want the hoss to
wait on the table, do YEP
Evening star., 1909-03-06

fine a philosopher as one who bears with
resignation the cold and hunger from
which his neighbor is suffering. and too
many of us define a philanthrOpist as one
who gives away other peoples money!" :"
Evening star., 1909-03-06

T WHAT she con-
sidered a favorable
after = dinner mo-
ment about ten
evenings ago Mrs.
Jobson nudged in
that which she had
in mind.
My DEAR" she
said to Mr.. JobSoH,
who. being well in
TO his after-dinner
cigar, looked mel
Evening star., 1909-03-06
Fables for SuffrauetteS.

MISS CAREY THOMAS, the head of
Ava Bryn Mawr College works ardently
for woman suffrage. Miss Thomas. in a
recent after-dinner speech in Philadelphia,
Evening star., 1909-03-06

HERE was a novel
diversion when they
broke off to nibble
sandwiches a n d
things at a 18th
street poker game
the other night
Four Of the sim
full players In the
siX-handed game
were young mar
ried men. The
poker host Of the
Evening star., 1909-03-06

Special Correspondence Of The Star.
NEW YORK, March 100
Evening star., 1909-03-06

occasion was (and presumably still is)
bachelor.