davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1909-07-12

NDen-diregt-me -bIease-to-d er-nre
department."
So he tolt me TO step to do dirt iZZle
TO der right, dismount der escalator
TO der basemend Walk twice arount der
COLT Ash tank, use der dictator 10 der
sefent floor, go drough der Irating
stamp ofiss. den backwards down two
fits of stairs to der men und boys
cloding, crawl unter dree tables full
of insists. find der fourt window from
der wrapping desk. gif my name under
references to der cashier, open der
window und chump ouid He said
voult be yust in dime for der after
noon demonstration of DER $3.50 life
net, was 1888.
l tanked him mitt tears IN my face
und followed hiss DIRECTIONS until
fount myseluf in der Lost department.
81 want to match diss," I said. Dey
must haf tott / meant my breat, be-
coss dey sent me to der delicatessen
department., we're dey hat Neuchatel
cheese NIT Swiss embroidery. We're
ISIS der hair goots?" | said 10 a girl.
Il want 20 match a hair ribbon" You
don't want the hair goods depart
ment," she said, you want the match
department" Ven / found Id | tolt
dem wanted a paber OF pins TO match
my vifes hair. So dey sent me 10
der hair pin department. Ven l got
dere | asked dem please TO show me
u paber of hair ribbon. und dey sent
me to Ger paber department. Und
Gere | tolt dem | wanted a ribbon II
matches TO pin on my vife's paber
hair. but dey tried to sell me safety
match ven vot | wanted wass a safely
pin-no. | mean a paber OF ribbons
we'll. anyhow. ditn't get Id.
So tolt dem TO sent i'd.
Vile | wass dere dey hat an hour
sale A hour sale ISIS we're you hat
to Wait an hour for your change. Ef
you gife dem a fife tollar bill i'd comes
back so changed you don'd know Id.
But | cheated dem. | vent away mid
ouid my change.
But voman-ven only shopping
vouldtn'd spent a tollar bill ef IL Id
wass printet In disappearance ink.
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1909-07-12
'RUDYARD ANGRY
Ensands His Fiery Again
Rotten Poetry.

The spectacle OF Rudyard Kipling,
mysterious prophet once. out with a
weak voice now, crying out imitation
poetry about Great Britain and her
faults, brings 10 British eyes the sad
results of condemning ones own
country. AS they see him. Rudyard
is a rascal.
Kipling was once "a great author
with a great message To a great peo-
pie. He wrote a book, though. The
Light that Failed" that at least bore
strange titular forecast OF Rud-
yards light as the world views II to-
day.
Where once literary incandescence
shone, now Kiplings light has tailed
TO do that OF wax taper hid under
a peach-basket hat.
The light began 10 wane In the
case OF Kipling when he began 10
whine against his own people. He
whined himself out OF a poet laure-
ate's wreath. AS he spilled bitter lit
erary tears over his proud empires
shame his light failed yet more.
Kipling Is a muck-raker. And being
in spleenish mood the other day
laid himself out on the critics rack
AID penned a new poem which ne
calls The City of Brass"
After three-quarters of a column or
so OF brazen verse, the poem ends
thus:
They chose themselves prophets and
priests OF minute understand
ing.
Men swift 10 see done-and outrun-
their EXTREMIST commanding
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1909-07-12
Turns Down 100000 Because 1t
Had In 1t the Bite of a Scorpion

The money was tainted. Not in the
vague general sense that trust mil
lions are, which some college heads
not all-refuse 10 take, but very
particularly and specially.
II Baker had taken the money he
would probably have been sent to
the Indiana penitentiary for a long
term OF years.
IL happened like this.
Several years ago indiana was all
stirred up over some anti-cigarette
agitation in the legislature. The Am
erican Tobacco Co. opposed the meas
ure, OF course. Baker Was their agent
and lobbyist at the capital.
/ Soon came rumors OF bribery, In
volving Agent Baker and legislator.
There was great scandal and Baker
fed the state. The prosecutor got
hold Of 100000 which it was charged
Baker had offered 10 the assembly
man
Now the assemblyman is dead. Bak-
er appeared to stand trial and had
the indictment quashed. The only
man who might testify against him -
beyond the reach OF state or county
subpenas. And the prosecutor holds
the 100000
Here's the money" he said. TO Bak-
er. in court. If it's yours. take II. and
give me a receipt"
What Bakers thoughts were no one
knows. But he shook his head.
g Fisnit mine" he said. II don't
know anything about It,"
Perhaps some people would have
been willing 10 put IN several years
in the pen for 100000
But Baker wasn't
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1909-07-12

OF the tribe that describe with a jibe
the peryersions OF Justice
Pandars avowed To the crowd whatJo-
ever its lust Is.
~ Justice" and lust is" How Rud-
yard must trust us.
This from the author OF "Barrack.
Room Ballads" that brought thu Brit
ish army up standing with cheers.
From the man who poured genius
soul at the altar OF his Maker with
his "Recessional" From the man
who solved the riddle OF wolf-talk and
Of Mowgli and his jungle friends. II
is 10 whine worse than Rudyarc does.
Doctors say every time a man gets
angry. his BRAIN composed of millions
OF little cells. undergoes a remarka-
BILE change The. joy-cells are de-
stroyed and the anger-cells sprout up
like mushrooms. Anger mas q toxic
effect on the whole human systsm.
Rudyard has been getting angry q
long time He was frst angry with
India, then with the United States.
then with some relatives, then with
Canada. and finally with England
Imagine drunken old Omar. with
some swaying houri at his side and
baked-clay urn full OF sour wine and
crust OF bareback nearby, getting
angry at anything,
Anger will conquer the most con-
volutive Uranium II spells and hurts.
So, as long as Rudyard Kipling
continues 10 be angry with mis- neigh
bors and his people because their
prophets and priests OF minute un-
derstanding" don't suit him. he must
put the critics, too, in the same class.
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1909-07-12

Sir" said Maj. Byers. Il have a
scheme to feed hens silica cement SO
they will lay glass eggs"
Il don't care IL you have a scheme
to feed them waterproof cement SO
they will lay duck eggs" snorted Jim.
Il have also in preparation device
to grow moss rose onions" persisted
the major.
mo good" said jim. Moss doesn't
make them fry any better"
But there is also my intention to
devise a musical clothes wringer and
a submarine aeroplana and disappear
ing furniture for small flats, and rub
her tipped cigarettes" proceeded the
major. hopping his fevered brow with
a grimy bandana handkerchief.
"On your way" sale Jim, as though
he meant It,
And the major slipped out into the
night without the coffee and rolls. and
had got clear across the street before
Jim called him back and told him that
he could have the coffee and rolls on
one condition.
And what is that?" asked Mai.
Byers bitterly; do you want TO wiring
from me the secret OF my plan to
grow sponges under glass;"
Nix" said Jim The condition
is that you eat a sirloin steak ard
some asparagus with the coffee and
rolls. and consider II on the house"
Since he put 1t that way, Maj. Byers
could not but yield.
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1909-07-12

What would you do Il a man should
offer you 100000, the only condition
being that you give him receipt for
the money?
What would anybody do?
Walk along the street and try II
out and see how many turndowns you
get.
One hundred thousand dollars=that
means country estate, a great beau
tiful house, with rich paintings, Per.
sian rugs and statuary. a retinue Of
servants. automobiles, and your own
garage, great library, trips To Eu.
rope.
Or chance TO buy into big bust
ness undertaking where your money
would bring you In comfortable S..
600 or $4,000 a year income.
Be pretty fine, eh-$l00,000 for
nothing.
But here's a man in Indianapolis
who refuses It,
Give It to some old folks home,
IL no one else wants IT," he said
through his attorney, John W. Kern.
whom, II you think q minute. you'll
recall as one-time candidate for gov.
ernor OF Indiana, for vice president
of the United States and for United
States senator.
Kern's client-the man who scorn-
fully turned down the hundred thou
is Oscar A. Baker. Oscar is not a rich
man, either He works for salary.
same as you and |. and the fellow
across the street
There was good reason for the re.
fusal, OF course. You have probably
guessed that already.
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1909-07-12

Dit you efer vent shopping? So
dit |.
My wife tolt me to run drough der
big stores und get her paber NJ pins
und match a hair ribbon. ] asked ner
eff she hat any faforide store. or,
yess." she said, for a trinS OF water
/ go to Macyheimer's, but Fieltmar-
shalls haf Eore plate glass mirrors
IN der elefato-" So | questioned her
vich Won hat der best free lunch. She
said lunch serted wass nod free, but
ad Frillsky & Cuttingham' dere wass
q sale OF dog biscuits redoozed to 3
cents. vich wass almosd Citing dem
away, uud please don d cad dem MI on
der way home.
She startet me away. fairst locking
up my library mean my pocketbook
und check book I dink she wass
afrait voult buy Something's instead OF
shopping. She said she vantet me to
shop like a pairfegt laty.
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1909-07-12
BY Fred Schaefer.

IL intend to launch some excellent
ideas soon," whispered Maj. Bye-s,
making his appearance at Jims lunch
wagon and speaking 10 Jim in very
confidential tone OF voice, land I de-
sire hat you permit me to suggest
that feel the need OF sustenance but
have not the price therefor. Would 1t
be violating the rules OF your very
ably conducted luncheon vehicle il
you were TO allow mo to regale my
self with a cup of coffee and two rolls
and decorate your-er-tab with my
illustrious name until fortune smiles
upon my endeavors ?"
IL can't see you" Jim grunted.
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1909-07-12

Vile I wass going on streed car
downtown. dere wass anodder pairtest
laty in der car who coult nod hna IN
her purse any fare. Poor ding.
knew right away she wass venting
shopping. too.
BY der retail DISTRICT | looked der
windows In to witness der styles IN
pins und hair ribbons. Ad Won tlace
quite a crowt of women wass vatch-
ing window dresser. stool una
watched him. too. but. ach. he rat al
ready finished dressing und WAS put
ting on hiss coat.
vent insite.- heard some girls
holler "Ca-a-sh," knew dey ditn'd
mean me- man NIT polished man
ners und badness stepped hluseiul
up TO me ''Vot ISIS diss?" i said II
is a department store. sir" he said.
"Haf you re sale today?" l asked
him. Yes. Sir" he said.
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1909-07-12
JOSH WISE SAYS:

~ know a woman who could do a
good days work full Of suds. She
wuz a d,shwasher In a restaurant an
tn suds I mean amt the kind you
mean"
Have you got your fat furnished
YETI"
"Almost-but say, do you know
where | can get q folding tooth
brush?"
Why-does the girl with hair Of
FURNISHED gold that glistens In the
sun. and plump, round arms. take so
much longer TO let her hair dry 1T
the beach than the thin. straggly lady.
with hair like wisps?
When children have TO wait az din.
ner they learn to hate company.
The man who knows IL all must have
an awful strain on his mind
So. Jones is going TO put his money
in mines didn't think he knew any.
thing about miues."
He doesn't. That's why"
or course. Orville Wright has a fall
once I'm a while. but did you ever
notice anything come down that didn't
go up frsU
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1909-07-12

and by trying TO keep cool
All that the doctors say doesn't to help it any
The funny all suffer from the heat in many instances
n because of imagination
4 Why minds that makes US FEEL hotter
4 when trying to KEEP cooeri
One of the best keeping COOL let suggest is to just keep
Almost every child had the picnic experience
amusing of try to have good time
and cannots
always fellow who permits anything to
him. takes look and why you look
~ if you warm what's the matter9"
Doesn't that make you mad
you example, do like he does
and keep cooli
DOESN'T WORRY and that's the secret
Just take easy and keep COOL
things people cool themselves of the things
that heat the body and which they shouldn't do.
ALMOST ANY DOCTOR DETROIT WILL TELL YOU THAT ICE
WATER-that actually i-HEATS PERSON
DRINK, MORE WE CRAVE, BECAUSE
IT ISN'T COOLING
The waiter. in Detroit hotels will tell you the guests
it they to- weather mbe thrives
with ice in it
The person and the
he drinks he'll be-
other evening on
bench fast asleep.
evidenced in their and hats having
been thrown aside, S a they went
punched together the bench each keeping the other
two wisely would have chosen
separate bench
tell these seepes that they would be much cooler
grass g nicely and suffering
fully didn't wake them.
railway stations you will notice about to
spot with suit and bundles
vacation and when it time for you
go away and good time make
point carry little Al possible.
small should all you really need in hands when
rgcing OF journey.
Start time for train you'll be so hot and
the the train that will not be
able o in all the time you away
In conclusion let The Times give few pointers on how to keep
Try you don't feel better these hot days:
Don't tght-ftting clothes
Cut out alcoholic drinks
~ Drink lemonade, not very sweet
Don't drink cool them by putting ice AROUND
the glass not IN IT.
Don't keep your Outdoor
air is natures electric fan.
II Don't eat much Eat fruit and vegetables
r. Keep the body clean and change underwear day
And above all
DON'T WORRY
l
The Detroit times. [volume] (Detroit, Mich.) 1903-1920, 1909-07-12
The Truth, No Matter
Whom It Helps or Hurts.

We've had some pretty not wealth
er in Detroit so far this summer,
but more and worse is coming,
which announcement is perhars a
bit out of place in an editorial In
tended to help you to keep cool.
Everybody is trying just now the
best way they know how to dodge
the weather and many keep warm
and hot by trying 70 keep cool
The Hartford republican. (Hartford, Ky.) 18??-1926, 1909-04-16
A Great Wrong is Being Done.

Another thing we ought to do-stop
this scheme of making Tariff schedu-
les outside the halls of Congress. Re-
cent treaties Of a commercial nature
have proved utterly indefensible. Take
that agreement with Germany. In its
administrative features at least, i'm
mense harm has been done to Americ
intel ests. Made in Germany" is a
placard that is met with everywhere.
1t would not be SO common were it
not for the fact that German goods
included in the treaty are coming in
at a small Tariff valuation. Annually
the Government is cheated out OF
many millions of dollars becausd of
undervaluations. Tie German man
ufacturer practically decides the duty
on his goods They are handled in
this country through German agents.
Germany is pulsed to it to dispose of
ner surplus. She mas gone manufac-
turing mad She swamps England be
cause there is no duty there upon
her goods. She has sent her wares her
paying small wages in comparison to
those paid here, and because size is
permitted to fix a very low valuation
for export purposes. Not only is the
United States treasury made TO suffer
through the low duties collected, but
the American employee sufferers
tie invasion of the American
market. A very great wrong is being
done, and the new Congress will be
expected TO night it.-Pniladelphia In
Quirer.
The Hartford republican. (Hartford, Ky.) 18??-1926, 1909-04-16

OF the hurley belt to cut out" tine
1909 pool, as they 'icut out" the 1908
crop-if more than one-half of the
hurley growers refuse to sign up"
The cutting out of the 1908 crop was
a wise courageous thing, and was
very beneficial as wise and coureIge-
Gus things always are, but it wasn't
so beneficial as the cutting out of the
1909 pool under the circumstances and
for the purpose mentioned above.
You were rewarded in so doing by
splendid victory over your enemy
the Tobacco Trust and your reward
would be greater in winning victory
over those enemies, those enemies
me2ner than the Trust.
Take tnis matter up and discuss it
in your Local Union. Weigh tine ques-
ton well and you'll see 1--WE feeD that
this is the year to give a lesson to
the duh the Indifferent, the selfish
growers, that will result I'M great bene
fit to yourselves because 1t will re-
suit in great benefits for them If
they're made to see clearly end act
In manly way.-Tobacoo Tidings.
The Hartford republican. (Hartford, Ky.) 18??-1926, 1909-04-16
Mrs. Edith Willis Dead.

Mrs Edith Willis, widow of the late
James Willis, died of diseases Incl
dent to old age Friday night, at the
home of her son, Mr., Felix Willis,
at Haynesville, Ohio county, following
short illness. She was one of the
best known women of Ohio county.
She was ninety-four years of age last
January. She was a daughter of
Jack Haynes, of Fordsville, one OF
the pioneer merchants Of that section.
She was the mother of the late DR..
Hale. of Greensboro. and grandmoth-
er Of Mrs. ]. A. Dean, of the same
city. Besides her son, Felix Willis;
the following daughters survive: Mrs.
4. s. Jett, Mrs. Win Lyon and Mrs
Jordon Haynes, of Ohio county.
After funeral services. her remains
were inferred in Haynes burying
grounds Sunday.
The Hartford republican. (Hartford, Ky.) 18??-1926, 1909-04-16
Kindness but Firmness.

TIE bend laid kindly ON tire non
Association growers shoulder, the
look OF true interest-these show the
spirit of the wise A. S. of E. worker.
Even the pon-Association grower
the man dull enough to not see what
Is best for himself and neighjbors, will
not be SO very dull as not to see the
spirit in which you do your A. S. of
E. work.
Your spirit Should show in your EYED
in your voice in your smile, in your
cneerfulness In your every movement.
Don't shout at the man you wish to
convert don't hdrl invectives at him.
or you'll only increase his stubborn
ness. But If, after being kind and pa
tient with him, If after bearing pa
tiently the injustice his actions do
you, let your words be actions that
will bring the wisdom OF the A. S. of
Els. plans home to him, that viii i'm
press him in a way that he'll feel.
If enough of the hurley growers will
not play your game with you, II this
year We can't get as many as so per
cent of the growers to sign a pooling
agreement, join them in playing tine
losing game they're bent on.
Become "bumper-crop" mem your
selves and show them that while you
can be. land wish to bel kind that you
can be firm.
The thing to do the thing that must
be done, II all importation and argu-
ment fail is to show the men VINO
are blinded by selfishness that they
simply won't be allowed 10 make YOU
scapegoats longer.
II you let them do it this year,
they'll do it on large scale next
year and every year.
We hold that it would be most wise
for the A. s. of e. tobacco growers
The Hartford republican. (Hartford, Ky.) 18??-1926, 1909-04-16
WANTS TRIAL
OF ANDERSON.
Livermore Makes Bid
for It
If Change Could be Made There
1t Would be movement
to Officers.

II the prosecution against T. s.
Anderson is taken to Mclean county
on a change of venue, LiveItmore
wants the case tried there instead OF
Calhoun the county seat. The fol-
lowing item with refernece to the mat
ter appears in the Livermore Prog
ress:
I'VE believe that the selection OF
Mclean county would be a wise one,
for we have explicit confidence in our
people and believe that jury select
ed from our county would render a
fair verdict to both the accused and
the commonwealth.
IF Judge Birkhead transfers tine
case to Mclean county We make a
bid for the trial 30 be held ct Liver
more knowing it would be the most
convenient place, for it will be recall
ed that Calhoun has no courthouse
NH. ]. ID. Whitaker offers the free
use of his building for the trial should
the case come to our city and is GER
tainly equal TO the occasion. If the
trial should be held at Livermore the
court officials and witnesses from Ow-
ensboro could come and go each day
to the trial.
Eve have no desire to work against
Calhoun. in this or any other matter,
but We merely state the advantages
of our city and how convenient it
would be for all parties if Judge Birk-
head should see fit to transfer tie
case to Mvermore for trial"
AS Judge Birkhead will vacate the
bench in the case and a special judge
appointed to try 1.-THE special judge
will grant the change of venue. While
a change of venue has been ordered
by the court of appeals, it is doubtful
If 1t will be sent to a town for trial,
which is not the county seat, even if
it could legally be done, as it would
be inconvenient for the county office e
However no more convenient place TO
greensboro than Livenmore could be
Calhoun has no courthouse
but the county officers reside there,
and If the case goes to Mclean it will
go to Calhoun.
EDITOLIAL NOTE.-Onio county is
not in the race for the case but II 1t
should be transferred here, he will
get justice and be tried in court
house.
The Hartford republican. (Hartford, Ky.) 18??-1926, 1909-04-16
Money Comes in eunohes

to A. A. Chisholm, of Treadwell, N.
Y, now. His reason is we'll worth
reading: For a long time l suffered
from indigestion. torpid liver, consti-
patton, nervousness, and general de-
bility, he writes. Il couldn't sleep
had no appetite, nor ambition, grew
weaker every day in spite of all medi-
cal, treatment. Then l used Electric
Bitters. Twelve bottles restored all
my old-time health and vigor Now
l can attend to business every day.
It's wonderful medicine" Infallible
for Stomach, Liver, Kidney. Blood
and Nerves. soc at all druggist. m
The Hartford republican. (Hartford, Ky.) 18??-1926, 1909-04-16
Not a Railroad.

A troup of surveyors with jack
staffs and compasses have been parad-
ing around over our county, and sew
eral of our watchful citizens VINO are
always looking for sign mistook
them for a railToad surveying party
and Thought the Swint Traction line
was right on us, but we are sorry
to have to disillusion them. nne par
ty is some kind of a government sur
vey party and are working for Uncle
Sam. What they really do more than
take levels, we can not tell. The par
ty is composed Of @. b. Kendall,
Washington. d. c., s. r. Archer,
OHIO. r. O. Gaylord, Conn. j. w.
Mathewson. OHIO. G.. L. Smith, Conn.
Green River Republican.