davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-03-20

about having done more for his district
probably than any other man in tie
House is no joke and he wasn't Dragging
when he said it. His capacity for making
Congress take care of his constituents
is a proverb in Tennessee. He isn't a
man who gets up on the floor OF the
House every day or SO and tears on
about eight yards OF purple and gold
oratory. Neither does he introduce bill
a minute and wander round the Capitol
waving them in the air and demanding
them.
No, he doesn't do these things. but as
a committee worker he is In a class by
himself Why. it has come to be saving
around the Capitol that every time Wal
ter Brownlow discovers a neglected grave
yard in his district he Immediately imbues
1t with historic interest and proceeds to
give it to grateful federal government.
absolutely free. gentlemen. absolutely
free The said grateful government
wakes up the following fiscal year 10
find that it is saddled with the expenses
of that particular graveyard for the rest
of time and while the face of the earth
shall endure.
Until recently the members of the House
appropriations committee were very much
worried about this graveyard gift bust
ness and one of them led Mr.. Brownlow
aside and told him the government didn'
need any more Tennessee burying grounds
in it's busineSS-had no use for them
couldn't consider them even as present
They all felt better when they learned
there weren't any more. For lie had
made, personally, census OF them All
Mr.. Brownlow told them SO himself, and
he ought to know.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-03-20
"a LITTLE SPRINT IN THE cou NTRY.'

Not a bad-looking bunch of dolls. at
that, for a variety show. Wonder where
these bum variety shows manage to get
hold of such lockers? Slender. sinuous
girl on the left end had real naughty
pair of brown lamps, so she had. Wen.
it's, way after midnight and time for me
to hit the silucks. / hope Mildred's getting
plenty of rest 1t 'ud be brutal on my
part to summon her back here before
she had her visit out, and m going TO
make up my mind. for her sake, to let
her stay there with her people just as
long as she wants to, poor kid.
March 10.-Got home pretty late last
er-I mean this morning-too late TO slap
down my domgs of yesterday in this old
hewgag of a book. Had just started
a letter to Mildred last evening when
Jimmie Hotclip popped in. Jimmie had
a bis, buzz-wagon out in front and want
ed me to take a little sprint out into
the country with him. I chopped my let
ter to Mildred some sudden-Shell under
stand. of course-and went along with
Jimmie in his swell car. Other two in
the car besides Jimmie and myself were
q couple of Jimmies cousins-inight-ee
slaShing girls, too, when 1t comes TO that.
Queer gag. but Jimmie sure has the
largest assortment of swaggerino girl
cousins of any fellow I ever met up
with. Had to have little bite and sup
at a roadhouse, of course. Then We
motored back to town and took Jimmie
cousins to the place where they live, and
Jimmie dug up little poker game That
he knew about. and he and I sat in.
copied out hundred and a half just
as e-e-easy, and guess I'll be ordering
myself a couple suits of spring toys with
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-03-20

accomplished in gaining entrance to the
residence! 1t was perfectly dreadful. l
was compelled to watch her remove a
large yellow roll from his right-hand
trousers pocket, and she deliberately re-
moved the yellow band from the bundle
and counted the biils
Did you ever hear of such awfulnesS?
And such a frightful strain upon my
nerves. too.
These are the drawbacks to ones pro-
fession. OF course, / got the BUNDLE
She put ii in the bottom bureau drawer.
turned out the light and quietly crawled
back to bed. Then | waited Tor ner TO
go to sleep and ] got the roll. But such
an amount Of trouble. 1t discourages
one.
"Fifne, you may prepare my mac pain:
And then, the impudence of some of
these women we visit. The modification
they cause one!
II shall narrate an example.
Recently / spent month at Palm
Beach. oh, yes. it was a combination
social and professional trip-what else?
We'll at one of. the hotel bathrooms
one night ] observed Philadelphia
matron whose jewels were really mag
nificent-and in jewels. l assure you, |
am not easily satisfied. Well. | found
them living upon her dressing table that
same night. When 1 examined them In the
light Of day. blush to admit it-they
were bogus! And the horrid woman. the
cat. announced in the papers that she
always kept bogus jewelry on her dress
ing-room table at night to befool burglars!
..Fifine is my lilac bath ready"
Whereupon the present veracious
chronicler withdrew.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-03-20

House seems like a morgue this evening.
Can't get it out Of my NOODLE that Mill
dred's in the next room embroidering
shirt waist or monkeyfng with tn ecurling
irons or something. It's only o'clock,
but I reckon there's nothing to do but to
t,.rn into the hay. Wish Mildred's folks
lived in Samoa or Java or some burned
place where she couldn't reach 'em. Wrote
her a long letter. special delivery. 'Fraid
I'm mashed beyond all redemption on
Mildred Feel like cipher with the rim
torn off without her.
March BLAMED lonesome breakfast
this morning. Diana, our old black maid,
who's running the dump during Mildred
absence, spread herself on the biscuits
and the rest of the breakfast eats. but
/ could hardly eat mouthful Imbecile,
of course, for fellow to be so dead
gone on his own wife as all that comes
to- but it sure can't be helped now.
Wrote Mildred two long letters. special
delivery, and sent her a telegram, telling
her that she was the goods and all
right, and so on. Found one of Mil
dred's crumpled gloves on her dresser,
and how it's subtle perfume brought her
face before me! Star girl of the hull
push, Mildred. No mistake about that.
Gloomy dinner, all by my Lonesome. this
evening, despite Diana's efforts to be
cheerful and chirpy. Couldn't stand the
dismalness of the house after dinner and
SO / went down town and played a
few games of billiards with Jimmie
Gitapp, whose wife also went out west
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-03-20

Representatives must have been desper-
ate,y In need Of recruits when they tackled
Representative Walter Brownlow or Ten
nessee and tried to make him convert
to their way of thinking But tackle
him they did, even going so lar as 10 ap-
point q committee to wait on the nlemper
from Andy Johnson's old district ana
convince him, if possible, OF the error Oh
his ways.
Wen, the committee called and found
Mr. Brownlow at home. He is a large.
ponderous, good-natured person. quick 70
think slow to act, true to MS 1rlenuS
and a great believer In that great con,
gressionat principle of you tickle me ana
I'll tickle YOU"
The committee explained its mission.
MIR. Brownlow listening courteousiy the
while Finally. when the explanations
had all been made and the three members
arguments and breath, Mr. BrownioW
spoke for the first time. you say. quoth
he THAT this is a movement to reform,
and liberalize the rules OF the House oi
Representatives.
1T is the committee agreed Win
unanimity and eagerness.
well, then" said Mr.. Brownlow, you
can't expect me TO take much interest,"
In this fight, for I have never read them
l don't know what they are, except t,a'
they're blamed good rules and no mistake
IF YOU know any member of Congress
who's got more for his district since he )
been in Congress than I have why lus'
Won trot him around. I'd like to look him
over
Whereupon the insurgent committee re-
turned to headquarters and reported &c
their big chief that Mr.. Brownlow wa:
hopeless Mr.. Brownlows statetmen'
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-03-20

.Finne. my handkerchief! And also
dear little Bambino!"
When tire Lady Burglar had lavishec
much affection and some tears upon her
Maltese terrier, she proceeded:
But there is much to disgust one, too,
in my profession.
Now, / had always believed journalists
to be. mere or Jess. fabricatorS-ah,
pardon-I am speaking generally. you
know.
But now I know that they are not.
Journalists have always engaged in
persifage with reference to the habit
/ used to think 1t the alleged habit
through their husbands pockets
But listen! it is true, and journalists
are not fabricators In that matter! Alas
for my sex. That they should stoop
SO low! But married women do go
through their husbands pockets.
II have seen them do it with these
eyes. No later than last week I was
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-03-20
Plain, Everyday Things.

wv H. EDWARDS. New York's street
W.. cleaning commissioner. has distin-
Euished himself on every occasion by his
splendid handling of the snow problem.
81 suppose, Mr.. Edwards said an in
terviewer. that your college education
has greatly helped you to a thorough
grasp of street cleaning?"
The commissioner smiled.
THAT sounds good" he said, ''but don't
think it's true. Differential calculus and
the gnomic aorst are all very well. but
in street cleaning they don't hold candle
to plain, ordinary, everyday American
hustle.
.Plain, ordinary, everyday things-they
are the ones that count. they are The
levers said Mr.. Edwards. philosophical
w. TRY to soar above them and the
truth brings you down with a bump, such
as aeronalts get.
II said the other day to a bachelor who
was going to get married:
well, Jim. at your time OF life
Hes getting on, you know-forty or
so.
"'Well, Jim, at your time Of life. said.
Il suppose a man does feel the need OF
a faithful and enduring affection where
with
"'Oh, rats Jim interrupted. I'm get
ting tired Of darnng my own socks, that
what's the matter with me-"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-03-20

now and next December. Some are
borrowing from colleagues some are cx-
planning the matter to their constituents.
Incidentally, one of these latter got n
letter from a farmer constituent some
days ago asking for horse books and COW
books and seeds for the production of
garden truck. The member carefully re-
piled that he was sorry and that there
was nothing doing. and. for fear said con-
stituent might not understand. went Into
details concerning the ill-advised action
of Congress and what 1t meant. cou-
pie of days later he got the following let
ter from the farmer constituent:
Hon. Jim Blank.
United States Capitol.
Washington, d. c.:
after receiving your letter l wrote to
the man we turned down in your favor
and he sent me everything l wanted. ]
do not think you amount to much. IL a
man who Is not a member of Congress
can do more for me than man who Is a
member. l don't think the member ought
to be elected again. l mean You.
My friends feel the same way about it.
Your explanation is not satisfactory and
we do not believe it down here"
Isn't that nice? All the new members
feel mighty strongly on the subject, and
if A vote were taken now tits certain there
would be no more courtesies extended to
the defeated. Trouble is, they'll all be
old members next time the question comes
up. and you can bet your bottom dollar
that they won't be cut short at both ends
of the line.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-03-20

lunch had been a pretty satisfactory one.
The sun was shining brightly. HIS DUST
ness had gone pretty we'll that mornils'
So he dug into his change pocket. pro-
duced the necessary silver, and bousnt q
couple of tickets for the moving picturo
show. They got good seats at just tne
right distance from the screen. and IN,
side of half minute after their arrlVa'
a new performance was just beginning
Mr.. Jobson leaned back enJoyaply. Inc
Scottish pictures were fine.
Say. those are pretty good views. en-
said Mr.. Jobson to Mrs. Jobson. they
just ransack the earth to get this stuii'
don't they? Fellow can learn lot by
looking at such pictures. He gets the 10
cal color. the close view. sucn as ne
could never by any chance get out OF
books. no matter how keen an magma
ton he might possess.
Mrs Jobson said nothing. but things
looked all right to her. Then came a
series of humorous films. One set, De
plotting the pride of boy with his nrst
pair of trousers. made Mr.. Jobson lean
still further back in his chair and laugh
aloud Then the. adventures OF Young
fellow starting to call upon his girl ana
getting mixed up in the pursuit OF pick
pocket fairly made Mr.. Jobscn rock with
laughter. He laughed so loudly that peo-
pie turned around In the darkness ana
watched him amusedly.
Coming out of the show. and still grim
ming. Mr. Jobson said to Mrs. Jobson:
well. that was the biggest nickel
worth 1 ever got in my life, it sure was.
Wonder you wouldn't have put me on to
this thing before. Here you've been TAX
ing in these bully little shows for months
and you never said a word about EN- to
me before today. I wonder why? Don't
You like to have me have little 1un
once in a while?
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-03-20

awaiting him much. "sit there and
chuckle like a chimpanzee. It's like you.
It's hit. It's the great comedy. You
thereby enable people listening to you to
know exactly where you stand. Go right
ahead. ! like 1t"
Mrs. Jobson smoothed out her face and
managed, after two or three inefectual
efforts, to switch the conversation to an
other topic.
On the following day Mrs. Jobson met
Mr.. Jobson down town to go to the
tailors with him and help him pick out
a couple Of suits of clothes. After the
visit TO the tailors they had lunch to-
gether. Mr.. Jobson always feels pretty
chirpy and good-humored after lunch.
And so Mrs. Jobson resolved upon TAX
ing daring chance with him. They
were passing one Of the moving picture
houses. Mrs. JobsOn stopped to study
the list of pictures on the placard out
I'm front. Mr. Jobson, of course, stopped
with her.
MY. that ought to be interesting-'Ihe
Highlands of Scotland she said. read
ing from the list of moving pictures.
Lets go in and see that set OF views,
anyhow-it's at the top of the list and we
won't have to stay more than five mill
utes or So
Mr. Jobson surveyed her keenly. But the
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-03-20

of fool people chasing him. and all of
'em getting rammed from the rear by
automobiles and brewery wagons and
milk carts and so on, and all of EN-
turning up in police station and making
insane motions with their hands and
faces. and
Mrs. Jcbson was laughing enjoyably.
But they're SO very amusing, you
know" she ventured in the midst of her
laughter II saw one set of views this
afternoon of poor simpleton of young
man who had a mania for kissing every
woman he met on the street, and. mercy
on us, the dreadful scrapes he got into
owing to his foolish propensity. and the
way he was rolled In the mud and things,
and how the angry kissed women did
beat him up with umbrellas. and
Mrs Jobson came to pause when she
observed from what an enormously dis
tant height Mr.. Jobson was surveying
her His expression of countenance was
almost tragical in it's solemnity.
Madam" he inquired of her In tone
that appeared to have been rendered
hoarse by the pure intensity of his dis
dain, do you mean to sit there in that
chair and tell me that you extracted
amusement enjoyment delight = CT
that YOU contrived to stir up any other
feeling worthy of being described as human
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-03-20

wouldn't organize and give one OF those
woodshed circuses and charge SO many
pins to the kids of the neighborhood 10
get in. Moving picture shows are ABOUT
on the same infantile plane. They're only
meant for
But" interposed Mrs. Jobson, some
of the views of foreign countries are per-
fectly lovely. and for folks who have no
chance 10 travel they furnish ideas
that
There's a proper way to gain inforna,
tion about foreign countries: grunPeo
Mr. Jobson. land that's by reading
hooks about EN- All that you can learn
about foreign countries by kicking around
these nickel-in-the-slot shows could De
nut into the tail of Il gnats OF eye. But
i'm not talking about the travel pictures.
They're all faxed. of course-al! taken
over in New Jersey in the neighborhood
of Railway or some place like that-but
I'm talking about these crazy moving
pictures Of some lunkhead of made-up
man running down street. and hord'
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-03-20
LONGING FOR HIS WIFE'S RETURN

that cute little velvet tomorrow. Gimme
hit 'em hard in the game. too l oion :
get home till o'clock this morning anu
Fad inst q teenchy little bit OF q head
when / woke up. Hope / didn't bite OFT
that letter to Mildred too suddenly. Must
write her again now, for I've got an
idea that Jimmiell be dropping IN 49,.
tbia evening. and want to get all letters
and such junk as that of my mind be-
fore he swings along. Great boy, that
Jimmie Philosopher. He's got enough
sense not to worry himself to death ABOUT
his wife when she's away visiting her
folks. Don't know what the deuce q
have done with myself If hadn't nap.
pened to run into Jimmie when Mildred
blew away
March 13.-Well, here I've let three
DAYS zephyr away from me without slap
ping down the minutes in this book Been
a hull lot busy, though. knocked OF az
tho office at noon today, SOS to get this
chance to scribble a few lines to Mildred.
Felt pretty seedy. anyhow. and needed
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-03-20
An UnsympathetiC. Audience.

1IT DINED with Somerset Vaughan at
the Ritz in London said poet.
"Maugham, who now Grinds out a mil
lion-dollar comedy every month or two
began by writing tragedies In German.
From tragedies in German to Mrs.
Dotv'' cried. How did you come 10
it. SOMERSET
ne peeled the silver wrapping from
great black cigar.
my German Tragedies he said, had
few hearers, and these hearers were SYM
pathetic. l. in those days, was like the
science professor who found one night
that his audience consisted of but sin
gle person.
THE amphitheater was very large.
The audience, a little man. sat high up
and far back on the last bench.
my FRIEND said the professor. gem
ially why don't you come nearer? You
would hear much better on the front
row.
..Ah, rats- said the audience. L didn't
come in to listen to you. l came to get
warm"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-03-20

that she was dreadfully made up. :,
well. after 1 had safely secured an
OF her jeweis-I wore my new carryaii
skirt last night for the first time, ana
found 1t a dream Of comfort and handi'
ness-I couldn't resist the temptation tc
flash my dark lantern in her face.
'Her husband is out OF town. YOU
know, and she was quite alone. wen:
she was a sight! Haggard? Listen
I make my prisons that shall never be-
come SO horribly haggard as that woman.
And. saccrey bloc! how yellow! HOW
hideously yellow. And such croWsfeet.
Trenches! Positively, trenches.
claimed to be naturally wavy! Why, II
was done up in kids! She awoke with
a start when I flashed my bull s-eye III
her face, but. pouf! / was gone!
Now, was not that compensation
the unexpected proving of a suspicion
with reference to a rival Of other days
ah, sad and yet beautiful other days!
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-03-20
10BsON ENJOYS HIMSELF IMMENSELY

over any such rarebit dream as that
which you have described? Dye mean to
tell me that you sat and eXuded sounds
as Of laughter out of your face, of the
kind that you are exuding now over any
such a hasheesh eaters pipe trance as
that which you have told me about? Be-
cause. you know, If it be true-I have sus-
pected it for a long time. but. out OF
motives of delicacy. l have refrained from
saying anything about it to you-but If 1t
be true that you really are suffering from
tai malady, why. 1 shall feel it my duty
to provide proper expert treatment for
you at once. not only for your own sake.
but to the end that you do not shortly
become q raving maniac on my hands.
But Mrs. Jobson was continuing to
laugh softly over her recollection of the
humors of the moving pictures she had
seen that afternoon.
.Oh. that's it; go ahead and laugh your
added head off," grouched Mr.. Jobson.
perceiving, suddenly, that sarcasm wasn't
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-03-20

to visit with her felix's after they had
seen the inauguration Jimnic's shad.
that's what he is. He doesn't appear to
be bothered at all by his wife's being
away. He had the gall TO ask me to
take in a variety show with him, but
of course 1 passed it up. Don't feel III
any mood for variety shows. that's a
morrow, begging her to curtail her visit
with her folks to two weeks instead OF
a month. A month. Gee! I'd never
be able to stand having her away from
me that lOngl
March Scot couple letters from
Mildred this morning, saying that she
enjoying her visit enormously. Good
away very often / didn't write to her.
asking her to shorten her visit with her
folks. after all. I figured that that I'D
be selfish on my part Met Jimmie Gitapp
again after dinner. Played couple OF
games of billiards, and then We went to
see the innocent Buds burleSque show.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-03-20
THE STRAIN ON THE LADY BURGLARS NERVES

about to enter the bedchamber OF a
very wealthy couple living on Connecticut
avenue One of my agents-oh oui. !
have agents-had informed me that the
variably carried large bundle OF bills
in his trousers pocket And went after
that bundle of bills.
Now, would you believe it, just as
reached the portieres hanging between
the bedroom and the dressing room, the
light suddenly went up little. very
little, and lodged softly into the shelter
ing shadow of the portieres, whence
could observe the entire bedroom.
"Oh, 1t was too irritating!
The gentleman was peacefully SUM
herring. but his wife-such unspeakable
wickedness.-had risen stealthily and was
in the very act of going through his
trousers pockets!
Il could have shaken her, the wretch.
Such deceitfulness! Such underhanded-
ness! And after the careful work / had
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-03-20

House and the previous question" is
demanded. the vote on this proposition
is. to all intents and purposes, the vote
on the merits of the question itself. Is
that clear as mud?
Anyhow, what 1 was getting at is
this That when the vote on the pre-
vious question" on the adoption of the
rules of the Sixtieth Congress as the
rules OF the SiXty-frst was taken last
Monday all the members of the Wise
heimer family in the House press gallery.
Including yours most truly. proceeded
TO write lovely pieces to the effect that
the regular organization had thrown
the allies-the insurgents and the
dcmocrats-to the mat and were then
engaged in sitting on their chests and
beating them in the face
only this time it wasn't so. Several
cstimablc gentiemen-dcmocr who
had assisted the organization in putting
the previous question across the plate.
and who. according to all the dope.
were then dashed to the principles OF