davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-10
Knowing Things Too Well.


Very often folks get TO knowing
thing so we'll that they don't have to
think To remember it. Take, for In
stance, Your home address. If YOU have
been living in the same house i'm the
same street for years your address
gets easier and easier to recall. EN-
cept, some times. 1T doesn't take the
influence of liquor to make you for
get either. 1t merely is that you know
1t too we'll.
There was man who was in the
habit of writing letters To a girl and
after a year or so he got to know her
address by heart. One day. long after
he started writing to her. he was adj
dressing an envelope to the young
woman. when suddenly he became sus-
picious of the number he had writ
ten. He read it aloud and tried other
schemes of convincing himself. He
wrote the same numbers on other
sheets of paper, but they did not seem
entirely right.
Eventually he had to go over and
call on the girl. instead of writing, in
order to satisfy himself that he still
knew the address. His figures had been
perfectly all right. but the. trouble was
that he knew them too Well.
That sometimes occurs to a person
giving an address in a store. 1t slips
out SO naturally that when by chance
the shopman repeats BLANK Blankety-
Blankth street," you begin TO wonder
first breath of suspicion kills your
chances of remembering correctly You
simply have to go to the directory to
verify the place you live in, and nat
urally that leads to suspicious on the
part of the Shopkeeper
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-10
IS you promise to do

no charity for. where distributive JUS
tire prevails, no one will need charity.
Fuel and light will also be govern
mentally controlled. all fuel to be fur
nished al the same just. economic cost
to all, without regard to distance trans
ported.
Lawyers Are Barred.
Agriculture will be largely directed
by the government. saving by large
operations. Township Justices shall be
two, q father and IA mother. Election
eering for office in the public service
for any elective office Will be mis-
deineanor. There will be no state gov
ernnents. Although the author Is a
lawyer. there viii ba no lawyers under
the new form. Insurance will be gov
ernmental There will be no real or
personal taxation and no tariff
Liquor may not be drunk where III is
sold and black list OF heavy drink
ers will be observed. Postal banks will
care for the circulating medium
The New Columbia. therefore. COM
pletey changes the present system and
starts every one out at the age OF
is with Il prospect of 100000 in wages
for his life work. and a chance to
have peace. home life and the pur-
suit OF happiness.
Tho new American party has its
headquarters in Room .. Olcan house
Olean, y. y, and its headquarters in
the cusac block. Iiindlay, Ohio. The
head Of II is George H. Phelps, who
has labored many years for the up.
liit of the people.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-10
His Story Went Wrong.

From the New York Times.
A Sew England minister once told the
following story just before the collection
was taken up:
81 have heard of man. prosperous and
we'll to do who went to church one Sun.
day and put cent-just Il plain. copper
celt~in the collection box. On tho way
nome ne vas oveitaken by sudden heavy
shower. and, having no umbrella. crawled
into hollow log by the roadside to keep
himself dry untIl tile downpour was over,
Soon the log began to swell. and the wet
ter 1t got the more 1t sWelled. until the
sides finally closed IN on the prosperous
citizen and held him In grip like a Wise,
The rain ceased, but the unfortunate man
WAS unable to move hand or foot He
shouted for help, but no one heard him.
He was about 10 give up in despair, when
he suddenly thought of the cent he had
into the collection box that day.
and il made him feel so mean and small
that he crawled right out of the log with
out any further trouble. Now. II you ex-
pect TO get caught In h shower and be
obliged to take refuge in a hollow log on
the way home. by ali means put a cent In
the contribution basket. If you don't an
ticlpate u crisis of that sort--weli, you
will know what to do when the basket Is
passed.
The minister expected shower of sill,
Yer and bills to follow this story but I'M
fortunately just as the collection began,
a black cloud passed overhead, 1t sudden
~ began to sprinkle-and the pennies fair
ly raned into the contribution basket
Only one quarter. solitary dime and a
lone nickel were found among the coppers
and they got in before the shower began.
The congregation. 1t seems, had all left
their umbrellas at home. And they were
not taking any chances.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-10
Samuel Clemens Latest Sin.

NEW YORK sun: 1t may be worth
observing that the Hon. Mark .rwain's
mastery argument for the Baconlan
theory of the authoritative plays called
Shakespeare's has greatly stimulated the
con-Shakespeare literary prospectors
Their business ii is to explore the long
suffering text and TO extract from 1t those
cryptic arrangements of letters and nu-
merals, those acrostics, those palindromes,
those pregnant paginations, those ingen-
ionsly hidden meanings which Francis
Bacon, we know so well, spent his
leisure nights in weaving into the first
pleteness. We ourselves have not given
much attention to this particular form of
intellectual activity since it was our hon
or. several years ago to evolve from the
first folio text, by the conscientious ap-
plication OF the cipher which Ignatius
Donnelly discovered. the immortal prin-
cipe of the invarable proximity of the
white horse and the red headed girl.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-10
Pointed Paragraphs.


! You can't afford to bank on q man
unless he has plenty of sand.
A close friend is all right-until he
declines to lend you money.
Every man is more or less brave
until his bluff has been called.
Most people will do as you wish-if
1t is in accord with their wishes.
Even If mans good deeds live
after him he isn't in a position to
care
Most men are philosophers-at least,
they seldom practice what they preach.
And mans idea of his own i'm
portance decreases as the gray in his
hair increases.
Occasionally girl is both pretty
and intelligent-just to prove the ex-
ception to the rule
1t is only during her first engage
ment that a girl ties up her love
letters with baby blue ribbon.
He Is a mean man who will let a
woman marry him for his money, then
show her that he hasn't got dollar.
Many man who thinks he Is honest
because he pays back borrowed money
wouldn't think Of returning Dor
rowed umbrella
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-10
0cEAN-T 0.0CEAN WALKER,

Said recently: when you feel down
and out, feel there is no use living. just
take your bad thoughts with you and
walk them off. Before you have walked
a mile things will look roster. Just try
it, Have you noticed the increase in
walking of late in every community?
Many attribute 1T to the comfort which
Aliens Foot-Ease. the antiseptic powder
to be shaken into the shoes. gives to the
millions now using it. AS Weston has
said. ut has real merit" 1t cures tired.
aching feet while you walk. 10000 testi-.
monials. Order csc. package to-day OF
any Druggist and be ready to forget you
have feet A trial package OF Aliens
FO0t-Ease sent FREE Address Allen
S. Olmsted. LIE Roy, N. Y.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-10
SKIN WAS ROUGH AS BARK.
Baby Roy Had an Intense Itching
Humor-Scratched Till Blood Ran
-EOund Cure In Cuflcurn

As@Dy nOy hAu hn 1AecmH0 AtCAlntS
HuMor-Scratched Till Blood Ran
Found Cure i'm Cuticura.
"Our son, two years old, was aftlict-
ed with rash. After he suffered with
the trouble several weeks l took him
to the doctor, but it got worse. The
rash ran together and made large blis-
tiers. The little fellow didn't want to
do anything but scratch aud we had to
wrap his hands up to keep him from
tearing the flesh open till the blood
would run. The itching was intense
The skin on his back became hard and
rough like the bark of tree. He
suffered intensely for about three
months. But found remedy in
Cuticura Soap and Cuticura Ointment
The result was almost magical. That
was more than two years ago. and
there has not been the slightest symp-
tom of 1T since he was cured j. w.
Lauck. Yukon, Okla, Aug. % and Sept
IL. 1905"
Potter Drug & Chem Corp. Sole
Props. of Cutlcura Remedies. Boston.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-10
Rhinoceros a Bad Foo.

From Edgar Beecher Bronson's Big Game
In East Africa" in the May Century.
While easily stalked, the rhinoceros
is a dangerous customer, as most men
Will agree who have hunted him,
especially Benjamin Eastwood. chief
accountant of the Uganda railway, who
was nearly trampled to death by one,
with the actual loss of an arm above
the elbow. III the rhinoceros gets ones
scent. he almost Invariably charges,
often, probably, from sheer curiosity;
but that does not make him any tho
easier to dispose of.
Moreover, he runs and turns at a
speed inconeeivable in beast of his
vast bulk. Against his massive, slop
ing head the heaviest bullet is mere
flea bite. leaving no possibility of
stopping shot except with a hard nose
ball sent fairly into the heart through
the chest. An alternative is to stand
absolutely motonless, when, with his
bad eyesight, there is a possibility he
may mistake you for tree, and veer
past. Indeed, the best ruse In the crisis
of amy charge is to stand fast and still;
for even the unwounded lion sometimes
swervcs in his charge and retires be-
fore a man who has the nerve to wait
his coming
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-10
Kidney
AilIIl

I want every person who suffers y
how many remedies they have tried. no
matter how many doctors they have con-
suited. NO matter how serious the case, to
give Munyon's Kidney Remedy q trial.
You will be astonished to see how quickly
1t relieves all pains In the back loias
and groins caused BY the kidneys. You
will be surprised to see how quickly
It reduces the swelling in. the feet and
legs, also pumness under the eyes after
taking q few doses Of this remedy. You
will be delighted to see the color return
ing to your cheeks and feel the thrill Of
vigor and good cheer. II your Urine 10
thick or milky. II 1t Is pale and foamy, II
1t contains sediments or brickdust, II It IL
htchly colored or has IN Offensive smell,
Il on urinate frequently. You should per.
stst In taking this remedy until all symp-
toms disappear. We believe this remedy
has cured more serious kidney ailments
than all the Kidney medicines that have
been compounded. Professor Munyon be-
lieyes that the terrible death rate frem
BriEht's Disease and Diabetes is unnec-
essary and will be greatly reduced by this
remedy
O. at once to your druggist and purchase
2 bottle Of Munyon's Kidney remedy. II
It fails to give satisfaction will refund
your money.-Munyon.
For sale by all druggists. Price Csc.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-10

we're duh pain in the right side and
back that troubled me great deal
and had frequent headaches and
dizzy spells. Doan's Kidney Pills re-
lieved me at once. however. and have
made me better in every way
Sold by all dealers. so cents box
Foster Milburn Co. Buffalo, n. \
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-10

Sioux City is to be the capital of the
United States.
The New Columbia. or The Re-
United States, book by Patrick
Quinn Tangent. of Findlay, Ohio, says
so. and the American party, Il new non
partisan political organization. is going
to see that il Is so.
In Introducing his New Columbia.
Mr. Tangent SAYS: While it may not
be verified by any translation of the
Book of Genesis, we have reason to be-
lieve that our first parents We're showed
out of the Garden of Eden backward;
and that none of their descendants
have ever yet discovered the necessity,
or propriety, OF facing about
! Following which, Mr.. Tangent pro-
cccds to open the eyes of the public to
number OF things about which they
have been going forward backward
Author Prominent Attorney.
These statements and the remedies
proposed have weight because the au-
thor is the man who began the pro-
ceedings against tie Standard Oil COM
pany in Ohio. under ths Valentine anti
trust law of that state, and made for
Wade III. Ellis the reputation which
put him IN 1aft's trust busting con
tingent as chief sachem. The book rep
resents the very pioneer thought on
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-10
What's in a Name?

TIUIII IlIpIIIUVUtC s.
An old German. wearing a faded blue
coat and campaign hat. limped into
the office of palatial dog and horse
hospital, bequeathed by humane mill
lionaire to the town Of X.
II wish to be admitted to dis hospi-
tall" he announced to the superintend-
ent. I've got heart trouble. I'm G.
A. r. man, und l can prove it,
But you can't enter this institu-
ton. my good man.
Sure l can. l fight at Gettysburg.
! hat got weak heart efer sence.
can prove It,"
Yes. but you can't enter this hos
pital; it's a"
Can't. huho Why not? l vas SOL
cher. l can prove it,
But this is a veterinary hospital"
Il know dot. Ain'd 1 choost tellin'
you dot Pm a-veteran?"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-10


a style and treats each subject in a
way which cannot fail to provoke nee
essarN thought upon these grave pres
cnt day problems. pressing for solrl-
ton.
All Have Equal Rights.
The fentdrcs of the work are equal
rights. responsibilities and opportuni
ties for all mon and Women delnonit-
Aation of metals, substitution of gov
rrnment service certificates for all ex
issilB forms Of circulating medium,
governmental postal banks with loans
of money to aid Individual enterprise
without interest abolition of state gov
ernnents. employment of all surplus
labor in internal Improvement free ed
ucation and maintenance In govern
mental industrial schools. substitution
of hix hour DAYS service AS legal stand
ard of vnl,lc. with arbitrary valuation
OF 50 day. the annexation of Canada
To form the New Columbia or the Re
United States, and the change of the
eca. of government from Washington
10 SIOUX city. la, with all Legislative.
executive and Judicial power in a con-
sress of governors. two elected from
each state annually. one man and one
woman. With n complete democratiza
ton of government and home rule to
the last degree
"Dtr literature and the curricuurn
OF our educational institutions says
Mr.. Tangent. arc made NJ, very large
~ of the history Of persons and events
long agone. We send our sons To col
lege at the risk OF their health. their
morals and i'm these days of hazitg
and football, their lives and limbs and
what for TO le;irn dead languages,
and the history Of dead things TO
learn how man has undertaken in the
past 10 divide Gods footStool and mans
habitation. by some arbitrary rule and
without Gods authority, into frag
tnents and sections.
Everything a Mistake.
With this SORT of mental training
ara discipline, it is not nj all remark
able that We jump at the conclusion
That the older a thing or AN Institution,
| tine better and safer it is. whereas, In
actual practice. we discover that tho
universal trend of all things is toward
| Improvement and that essential per-
lection Is the ultimate destiny of all
things.
The history OF the past is but am
endless sequence and succession OF
mistakes and inJustices. both of men
and of institutions, and the only con-
teivable use Of its study Is to avoid
Its errors. II is high time that all men
and all nations adopt the precept OF
Paul the great. # not the greatest
bpo2,lN, WheH az; SAID, Bftthfen.
count not myself 10 have apprchended:
But this one thing do. forgetting thost
things which are behind. and reach
Ing forth unto those things which an,
! before. j press toward the mark for tn,
prize of the high calling of God ii
Christ Jesus"
Sioux City Exact Center.
In the New Columbia it is explained
that Sioux City will he the new cap
ital, for the Re-t'nited States will in
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-10


On and after January 1, 1914,
IL the people of America do their
; duty, all lands not actually oc-
; cupied and used will be open for
occupancy by actual settlers in
; such quantities as they may de-
; sire for actual occupancy and
!. use, but not for rent or specula-
; ton. All surplus labor will be
; employed by the government in
; internal improvement and paid
at the uniform rate of So for each
; siX-hour days service In govern
; ment certificates of service, legal
. tender in payment of all debts
; and exchangeable for all other
: labor products at their economic
) value as fixed by the government
!. department of production and
; distribution at par and without
; profit.-The American Party
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-10
Forebodinqs.

From Harper's Weekly
Husband--Our little boy is sick, doc
tor, so please come at once.
Physician-I can't get over much un-
der an hour.
Husband--oh, do. doctor. You see
my wife has book ON What to Do
Before the Doctor Comes" and I'm so
afraid she'll do it before you get there!
Speaking of sociability." said the
propounder of silly questions, (which
is the more sociable. an earthquake or
a cyclone?"
'rPass it up rejoined the innocent
bystander. What's the answer?'
"The cyclone, of course" explained
the party of the prelude. at blows
us off, while the earthquake gives US
the shake"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-10
Modern Pied Piper Kills Nevada Mice

Modern Pied Piper Kills Nevada Mice
Martin Anglers in Van Norden Magazine.
Ranchmen of the fertile Humboldt
valley, Nevada, are convinced that
Stanley Piper, of the United States
biological survey, is none other than
the Pied Piper of Hameln come to life.
When they discovered that their vast
and luxuriant alfalfa fields We're infest-
ed with mice, 1900 to the acre, they
are said to have prayed that the an
cient Teutonc rat charmer might be
sent to deliver them out of bondage,
compared with which being in debt to
usurer was a blssful state. Uncle
Sam sent this Piper. but he played no
tunes. and coldly announced that once
he was ready to quit Nevada not
rodent would be allowed to follow him.
Moreover, during the summer of 1907
the ranchmen witnessed the devasta-
tion of their valuable hay crop. Piper
on the scene and as active as cat the
while, so they concluded that Humboldt
valley was too, a far cry from the
wrath of him whom desperation had
made their patron saint.
But with the coming winter the
Twentieth Century Piper showed that
there is more than a little in name
He covered the fields with alfalfa hay
and poisoned with strychna sulphate.
and the vermin died by the thousands.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-10
A Diplomat.
Err,n the Naw yorl T;n,a.

From the New York Times
4 Thought you told me when I en-
gagged you that you never used tobac-
CO." thundered the great statesman.
Nor do l." replied the youthful pri-
vate secretary suavely.
What was that you just threw away
as / entered the room?" demanded the
great statesman.
replied the young man, knowing his
employers aversion for anything less
strenuous than cut plug and navy
chewing.
Later in life it is gratifying to know
that this same young private secre-
tary shone in diplomatic circles.
WASHINGTON LAND-Good and cheap,
on new Milwaukee railroad near good
new town; ask for Information. Summons
& Evans OtheliO Wash
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-10

times out of ten, 1t
is due 10 sick kid
neys. The only way
to find relief is TO
cure the kidneys.
Doan's Kidney Pills
have given sound.
strong backs to
thousands of men
and women.
Mrs. l.. Spiccr,
3O4 S. Seventh ST.,
DE kalb. H., says:
"lhere was q Sc
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-10

From the New York Press
A man could hardly ever be crazy
to go to church unless his Wife didn't
want him to.
The thing that makes it SO easy for
a girl to fall i'll love is she expects it
OF herself
What makes girl proudest of the
man she's engaged to Is for his necktie
to match her complexion.
inventinE mirror that would make a
woman over 40 look %
II man can't find any other rea-
son for knowing he has brains it will
be because his watch keeps good time.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-10
Visitors Notes on the Inauguration
RstI

From Harper's Weekly.
The ball was not ball: it was a sort
of promenade concert; and the hig band
certainly did play to beat itself. The peo-
pie were interesting. More women i'm the
3Os wear eyeglasses than formerly. Very
few know how to do their hair becoming
ly. All dress most decorously. Two
inches off the top of a waist constitutes
a low neclsed gown and open work stock
ings are rare: but perhaps that was be-
cause 1t was so cold The number of red
headed women was disappointment small.
Most of the girls looked as If they had
come from normal schools The whole
of their appearance afforded
partial recompense for the awfulness of
their voices. Manners We're generally
pretty bad, even among those in high
places who kept getting in front of the
president. Mr.. Hitchcock is a good dancer.
He will probably get married during his
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-10
MAKING SUNSHINE.

1t In often Found In Pure Food.
The improper selection Of food
drives many healthy person into the
depths of despairng illness. Indeed,
most sickness comes from wrong food
and just so surely as that is the case
right food will make the sun shine
once more.
An old veteran of Newburyport.
Mass, says: I'm October, | was taken
sick and went to bed. losing Al pounds
in about 60 days | had doctor after
doctor, food hurt me and | had to live
almost entirely ON magnesia and soda.
All solid food distressed me so that
little streams.
II had terrible night sweats and my
doctor finally said ! had consumption
and must die. My good wife gave up
all hope. We were at Old Orchard,
Me-, at that time and my wife saw
Grape-Nuts in grocery there. She
bought some and persuaded me to try
1t.
II had no faith in it but took 1t to
please her. To my surprise it did not
distress ME as all other food had done
and before had taken the fifth pack
age was we'll on the mend. The pains
left my head, my mind became clearer
and | gained weight rapidly.
II went back to my work again and
now after six weeks use of the food
am better and stronger than ever be-
fore in my life. Grape-Nuts surely
saved my life and made me a strong
hearty man, Is pounds heavier than
before l was taken sick.
Both my good wife and are will
ing to make affidavit to the truth Of
this"
Read THE Road to MELVILLE" in
pkgs. There's Reason"
Ever read the above letter? A
new one appears from time to time.
They are genuine, true, and full of
human interest