davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1909-07-10

rate this system a whole parcel Of
years ago. Only reason I didn't start it
when we were first married is, l sup
pose. that / was too busy to think about
1t. But it's never too late to start a
good thing, eh?"
Mrs. Jobson nodded amiably at her
fancy work and Mr.. Jobson went on:
LAS the chap that wrote this stuff
points out, it sure must be q heap OF
humiliation for a woman to have to
approach her husband and ask him for
every little piece of change that she
happens to need for her own use, or
for the running Of the household. Not
only that, but it's bad business sys-
tenn. There's no method or system about
that sort Of thing. The main point how
ever, ia this: The wife, In reality. Is, and
should be, q business as well as a mat
rimonial partner Of her husbands. She
has the sharing the brunt of his more
difficult and arduous days, when the
moneys scarce and every cent has to
be watched, and, therefore. she certainly
should be partaker of the benefits of
the better period. when things are easier
in financial way. Does 1t strike you
that way?"
Mrs. Jobson nodded agreeably again,
and he continued:
"And a woman's Job OF running a
household isn't such a snap as it's crack
ed up to be. A man Is liable to think
that his wife has nothing at all to do
worth mentioning, until he's obliged to
stick around the house for a week or
SO on account of sickness. and then
he gets a pretty sharp lesson as to
how she has to keep on the job all the
Evening star., 1909-07-10

ask a renowned Indian fighter to go back
to school. even IL he were still OF the
school age. after he'd done all of those
stunts and made ten or fifteen thousand
of the remorseless. copper-hued warriors
bite the dust.
mo way Of putting over this plan.
either. presented itself. and then I'd fall
to wondering II I couldn't get q job as
brakeman. on the railroad. with the
chance to swing red lantern with all
my might in the middle OF the night.
81 neglected, however. to take into con-
sideration the fact that I was only about
four feet high at the time. and that other
views as to my career Were entertained
at home. In fact. in order to get out OF
the bad Job OF having TO go back to
school with the reopening of the term I
used to almost bust a puckering string
in my effort to find some kind of a job
any old kind OF job-but my efforts in
this direction were not appreciated at
horne I was snagged away from several
jobs that I had landed after herculean
efforts and forced to return to school. 1
may add. by way OF an aside, that I've
had all the work I've wanted since that
time. and that at the present stage of II
I can hardly credit the indubitabie and
Evening star., 1909-07-10

after every 'notorist who passed through
the corporation limits at any rate faster
than the normal gate of revolutionary
hearse pulled by three-legged mule
In furtherance of this amiable and in
tellectual diversions, signboards were
erected at the town boundaries bearing
the words Corporation Limit. Auto
mobiles were not mentioned nor was
any speed limit specified. The town
fathers. however, decided in their own
minds to enforce four-mile an hour
pace. Now anybody who has ever rid
den In an automobile, and most people
who haven't realize that t Is almost i'm
possible. as we'll as exceedingly ridicu-
Ious. for an automobile to travel at any
such pace az this. Not a city in the
country requires it and most OF them
permit twelve and fifteen miles an hour.
But Mount Crawford was not trying to
make things safe for the villagers, but
was merely after the coin. which has
been rolling in at great rate.
On a recent trip down the Shenandoah
valley with Il party OF friends in big
touring car we were warned about
crawford I'm every town through which
we passed. Consequently. when we came
to this Corporation Limit Signboard
Bowie Chapman, who was plotting the
car. threw in the first speed. much TO
the disgust OF one-gallused native
who Was leaning against the said sign
board with a Stop-watch In his mttt, ana
We went through that town at the rate
of two miles an hour. During tho half
hour or so that 1t took us TO do the
Evening star., 1909-07-10

toward the ceiling.
Then there are the purely facical ap-
plications for patents. and there ara
plenty OF these. One OF them was for an
attachable tail for stump-tailed dogs. Tho
application was drawn up with great
elaboration. The specifications recited tho
difficulty with which short-tailed dogs
are alleged to experience in turning sharp
corners. and also dwelt feeiingly upon the
obvious humiliation with which short
tailed dogs regard their abbreviated eau
dal appendages. especially when they
come into social contact with other dogs
better fixed In that respect Then the
specifications described the attachable tall
at great length, and the application
wound up with numerous serious and
technically worded claims for the priority
of the invention.
"Some patents taken out by various re
nowned men look freakish enough whom
viewed from the standpoint OF present
day ingenuity. The working model OF
Abraham Lincolns device for raising
sunken vessels from shoals, upon which
q patent was granted. IS an oddly out
of-date affair to look at So IS the model
of Mark Twain's scrap-book, upon which
the humorist took out q patent many
years ago. Neither did Ole Bull the cele-
brated vioiinist ever make anything out
of the glass-cased piano upon which hs
took out an American patent the last time
he visited the United States"
Evening star., 1909-07-10

Mrs. Jobson, thus corralled. said that
she'd prefer to have an allowance for
her personal expenditures, leaving to Mr..
JobEon the financial supervision of the
household.
"All right, little woman" said Mr.. job
son in his tone OF finality. Now you
don't have to name me any amount off
hand. But just think it over for couple
Of days-until Monday morning, say-and
determine upon what weekly amount
you'd consider suitable for your own per-
eonal needs. the amount to include your
entire expenditure for dress and all that
sort OF thing. And you don't have to
cheesepare in arriving at computation
Of what you'd consider the right thing.
I'd rather make q woman no allowance
at all than to make her tightwad allow
ance. Strike figure that'll give you
Monday morning. and I'll give you a
check before 1 start for the office, and
on every Monday morning thereafter.
You'll remember, won't you?"
Mrs. Jobson said that she'd remember,
and there the matter dropped.
Mr.. JobsOn was In a pretty grumpy hui
NOR at breakfast on the following Mon
day morning. and Mrs. Jobson had about
as much Of an idea that she'd be able
to get away with anything II she sug-
gested his allowance proposition to him
as that she'd be able to manage an aero
plane on the first trial. But Ii happened
that she didn't have a cent in her pocket
book, and she wanted to do q little Mon
day shopping So she said ohm as he
gulped his coffee and giared over the
base ball news:
My dear, there are few little things
Evening star., 1909-07-10

"Quite a number OF years ago q queer
genius in New England applied for a
patent on an improved tombstone. a
metal affair involving a lot of kinks and
designed to resist wind and weather for
thousands of years. One OF these tomb
stones adorns the resting place of this in
ventor In little Massachusetts village,
with the following epitaph wrought on It.:
Here lies Wendell, an inventor By trade,
And this. you will see, is an Invention he made.
IT'S strange to say. though It's most truly said.
That he made 1t when living and enjoyed it
when dead
Still slowed away. I believe, some
where In the basement of the patent cffice
is the rough model of combination plow
and cannon, patent upon which was
applied for during the Indian fighting
frontier days by a Nebraska farmer. His
farm was near the Sioux reservation, and
the cannon attachment to his plow was
meant for the sun dancing Ogallalas. who
engaged in periodical raids on farms.
While plowing in his field the crafty agri-
culturist could. by simply turning his
plow upside down. load a small but ef-
fective cannon wherewith to shoot OF
scare the prowling red persons. The
plow-cannon was provided with an ammu-
milton box and all Of the appliances
necessary for serving the piece.
Still another freak application from a
western farmer was for a patent on q
thing he called hen pusher. It was
Evening star., 1909-07-10

,inoes he thinks he knows what he wants.
Rut he never does Never, by the re-
hottest chance.
Take. for example, the case or the
Washington married man whose case mas
melted this little foreword.
He figured that he'd be able to annex
All the fun in the world If he sent MS
wife away from town for a vacation and
lie himself stayed behind.
"A lot of married men, by the way, in
Washington and out of 1t, evolve TINS
quaint idea at least once in their nves.)
So, quite early In the spring. he began
70 null the idea on his spouse that the
real au fait kink among the right klno
of married folk these days is to sort
o. bust apart from each other for at
least one calendar month in the year
Trouble is" he expatiated. that mar
RED people are together too much. Ihat
why the game pals on en- sort o. 1,
doesn't make any caHerence now io,lu
1hey are OF each other. why. when they're
stuck right alongside of each other every
day of the year. the thing Is sure-pop
bound to become more or less monoto,
nous 10 both OF EN-. Truth Is that all
.oup'es should be separated for AT least
thirfy 6ays in the year. Gives both or
EN- a chance to gather in some new
IDEAS, to look around. to-er-Weli, 10
kind O. rest w. see: Then. when they
sioiu each other why, they're crazy
and things move d heap slicker. DSou
get me. my dear?
She got him ali right. She didn't mind
letting him rave.
Most OF EN-, by the way, are strangely
willing 10 let us go right on raving when
ever we feel like it,
And SO. honey-bug," he wound up.
I'm going TO let you trot out to see
your folks on the old farm for q month,
while i just sort o. soldier around here.
I don't want to go away. Just want TO
rnooch around and take il easy and Keep
still and not have 10 talk TO anybody and
all like that. Cn'stand. dearie?"
She was perfectly agreeable about It.
And so II was fixed.
Now. the stuff that honest-lnjun was
rafting around in this married mans
mind when he made this suggestion to
his spouse was something, In essence,
like this:
What I want to do is to look up the
fellers and find out what's coming OF
around here. Wanta go II alone for
stretch. to see what that go-aloue thing
FEELS like again. Don't wanta to have
10 report to nobody-anybody, I mean
when I'm late for meals and all similar.
Wanta stay out nights and see what that
feels like some more. Aud IL / want 10
hoist I'm little 1ofty-ball once in a while.
or scoop o. malt. why. ! don't want
10 have 10 stop breathing as soon as |
lit the vestibule for fear she'll get a
whiff OF my breath. Wanta kick around
town and have a peek at the squeens
in their nice little summer pinafores.
Wanta Jam around on the open cars. out
Evening star., 1909-07-10
BAGGING AT THE KNEE.
Mems Trousers Not the Only Gar.
ments to Get Out Of Shape.

From the New York Sun.
1T may have been often printed in the
fashion news. but that l never see, and
So" said clipper brother Claude. this is
spang fresh news to me. that the skirt
of sisters new spring suit is bagging at
the knee.
THAT mems trousers bag in that way
is notorious: In fact, baggy trousers have
long been a subject for the jokesmith to
exercise his wits upon. as they have long
been to their wearers a source Of grief
No man likes to have his trousers bag at
the knee. and there have been told stories
Of men particular about their apparel
who when in their finest attire declined
10 sit down for fear they'd get their
trousers out OF shape there, and IL GER
tainly is common thing to see men. on
sitting. hitch their trouser legs up little.
to take the bagging strain off the part
that commonly comes over the knee and
to lessen the bagging.
so men have always had trouble with
their trousers in this way. but that
women could have trouble of such sort
with their skirts / had never dreamed,
for were not skirts SO voluminous that
their folds could be shifted and arranged at
will. to prevent their getting out OF
shape? Well, 1t seems that the close
fitting skirt Of the present day is SO scant
that 1t cannot be thus loosely disposed Of
or shifted about: one must sit In 1t as 1t
Is, and thus woman comes to have q new
experience and to get some faint glimmer
of one of the most trying troubles OF men
1T makes me smile to hear sister say to
mother that the skirt OF her new spring
suit has already begun to bag at the
knee.
What's the most you ever saw in q
pot?'
'"ren dollars in real life. But I've seen
as high as $4,000 in a poker story kan.
sas City Journal.
Evening star., 1909-07-10

view it,"
1t was, as Mrs. Jobson indicated by
an Affirmative nod, and Mr.. Jobson went
on:
Now, my dear. as to details: There
are. according to the writer. whose stuff
I've been reading In the Starpaper. two
ways OF giving a wife a regular allow
ance. One of the ways is to give her
an allowance that will not only cover
her own personal expenditures, as for
shopping and pin money and all that
sort of thing. but will include the dis
bursements for the household. The
other way is simply to make her an
allowance for her own use. Now. which
Of these two plans dye think you'd pre-
fer?'
Mrs. Jobson murmured something to
the effect that it would be all one to
her.
But" put in Mr. Jobson. 'Td like
to have you indicate sufficient interest in
this important departure to express a
preference one way or the other. II
you'd rather disburse for the household
paying every bill yourself and all that
sort OF thing, why. just let me know and
I'll fix 1t that way. Or II you'd rather
just permitted you to name an allowance
that'll cover your own personal expendi-
lures that you won't be put to the
modification of asking for every little bit
Of money that you need, why, I'll arrange
it that way then. You can take your
choice of the methods. It's just the same
to me either way. I'm going to begin
making you an allowance on Monday.
which is the day after tomorrow and L
want to know how you want 1t, you see.'
Evening star., 1909-07-10

mile and a half or SO OF the straRsly
main street were passed by every
thing movable. including BOYS, farm
wagons. thrashing machines rheumatic
oldest inhabitants. toddling infants and
browsing cows OF course. 1t was a
scandalous way to treat a machine, and
the engine heated up SO that you could
have fried an egg on the hood. But we
didn't violate the speed limits Of Craw-
ford or any other place on the face Of
the earth.
After we had passed through the town
and come to the other Corporation
Limit sign, where another dejec ed
looking native. stop-watch in hand, was
Ioafing, We stopped to cool off and shake
hands all around. The native looked at
his watch and then at us. and then at
the car.
Did you all stop down in the VII
lager" he inquired. after awhile.
No" we choruSed, I'VE hustled
through with nary a stop.
The native shook his head and put
his watch away.
II reckon he said, that you all must
hey made a mistake and took to run
ming backward
Joking aside, We were told In Staun-
ton and elsewhere that Glen Echo in the
palmiest days Of that celebrated Mar
sha1 Collins was motoring paradise
compared to Mount Crawford. Motor
lists in all the valley towns are trying
to remedy conditions like these which,
If continued, will result in the desertion
OF the Valley pike by automobiles, but
Evening star., 1909-07-10

intended to prevent hens from scratching
and monkeyin8 around in garden patches
Hooks OF peculiar construction were to
be attached to the hens feet, so that
when she dug into the ground she was to
be gently pushed forward by the hook and
spring apparatus
Another application for a patent on a
device for the bewilderment of the abused
hen was called a patent hens nest The
idea Of this was to prevent weasels, rats.
and the Ike from raid;ng hens nest and
sucking the eggs. There was a small
hole, concealed by natural looking straw
flap in the bottom Of the nest. and
through this more or less secret oriflce
the egg, as soon the hen laid 1t. was
dropped to a patent compartment below.
There was. In my opinion. lot of mean
ness about that device. But some OF these
agricultural inventors are forever fixing
up underhand devices for the humiliation
and discouragement of the hen.
Not so many years ago a machine
called tine mechanical housemaid was
submitted to the patent office for a pat
ent The apparatus professed to churn
butter. wash and iron clothes. rock the
baby and to perform all the rest Of the
regular household stunts except making
Irish crocheted lace and putting the cat
out at night The inventor. in making
his application, described his contraption
at great length.
"'You place your baby in the cradle.
Evening star., 1909-07-10

freak patent Well, these people ought
to spend day going through the records
of sure-enough freak patents ana
they'd gain some new ideas on the SUD
ject. There Is a never-ending stream
Of applications for freak patents,
A few years ago an Omaha man
applied for a patent on an electllc
hog-killing contraption. Tho thing was
SO devised that the unsuspectinS hos
stuck his head through an aperture In an
electrically wired compartment, closed a
circuit by butting his snout against a
metal sheet and, with his head nrmiy
held in the aperture by drop-clutch ap-
paratus, practically committed involun-
tary suicide.
'-Then, there was the appliance of an
other western man for a patent on an
electrical horse. The horse was fashion
ed OF aluminium. the body completely COW
cred by the hide of a deceased horse. and
in every respect the animal was made to
look as natural as life. even being provid-
ed with movable eyeballs. The electrical
horse was intended to run with the natural
movements Of sure-enough live horse,
and, according to the applicant for
patent, was capable OF doing a mile
minute, Just cantering.' The inventor
didn't state what he was going to do with
his electrical horse after he got his patent.
but, of course, he didn't get any patent.
for the thing didn't even work out on
paper, much less in operation
Evening star., 1909-07-10
SCHOOL VACATIONS THEN A

extraordinary fact that there actually
was a period in my life when l honest
and truly hankered for work.
LAS the day for the reopening OF school
drew nigh l can recall how everything
seemed to go to the bow-wows Even my
yaller dog appeared to have a Fremont
ton of the approaching evil, and he
sulked and blinked under the woodshed
and refused to be comforted even when
corraled the cat for him to bark at.
Nothing on the table seemed to taste
worth eAing. and the old swimmtn' hole
in the crick, In the cool depths of which
1 had surreptitiously passed most Of the
daylight hours Of summer. seemed to have
a reproachful look on its skipper-covered
surface for the neglect which would
be compelled to show toward 1t with the
reopening Of the blamed old school.
land about three days before tho hate
full reopenins day my mother would
make me practice getting my shoes on
for. OF course. I'd go barefoot all during
the vacation. She wanted to be dead
sure that on the morning of the reopen
ing of school I wouldn't pull that Nav
I-cant-get-my-shoes-o gag on her. Ny
shoes were always about four sizes too
small for me at the wind-up Of the vaca-
Evening star., 1909-07-10

he wrote In the essence, your cream In
the churn. your clothes to be washed In
the receptacle provided therefor etc. and
the rest was the merest turning of a
magical crank that started all of these
various and marvellous activities to buzz
zing.
"A freakish patent that was actually
granted for the saving Of human life from
burning buildings was a portable para
chute which the inventor aimed to have
installed In every room OF every hotel on
the globe. The man who was caught on
the twentieth floor of the burning hotel
had only to fasten the parachute firmly
to his head by means Of chin and neck
straps and then jump into space. with
or without a murmured prayer. Before
donning the portable parachute he had
to fasten shoes with thick rubber soles
to his feet--the shoes being part of the
apparatus-in order to get gentle
bounce for himself when he hit the
ground. The chap who invented this thing
gave a demonstration OF the working of
the contrivance before he received his
patent. hopping off the roof of a hotel
in a western city, unbeknownst to the
proprietor Of the hostelry. The parachute
opened all right, but the inventors de-
scent was SO extremely gradual that he
was considerably more than three-parts
hanged by the neck before he reached the
ground
Quite long while ago device for the
Evening star., 1909-07-10

tion, due to the fact-which they never
took into cOnsideration-that had had
three months extra growth. and that the
soles of my feet had been punctured often
by pieces Of broken bot. les prickly
weeds. snags. sharp rocks and so on. ever
since the first barefoot day. But had
to get the shoes on alice samee. no mat
ter how much too small they were Ine
miserable day would come. and when Ia
awaken upon that morning all OF tne
brisk, winey autumn sunshine couldn
wipe the dreariness out of me. nor eradi-
cate that hopeless, 's-all-over-now reel
Ing.
And then I'd start off toward the
school. and my dog would follow me sus-
piciously for about the length or the va
cant lot, and then he'd cock his heao on
one side and look me over with an ar Oh
derision. mingled with contempt ana ne O
never be wholly the same in his nlahnsr i,
toward me from that time on untiI ,le
beginning of tho next vacation. "heh
he'd gradually warm up to me again
Different times. different WAYS Dul
somehow / can't entirely dodge the feel
ing that It's kind o. peculiar for poy
to be ready to go back to school after tne
summer vacation"
Evening star., 1909-07-10

ward the middle of August just thinking
about the inevitable reopening of school
early in September. 1t gave me neuras-
thenia of the neck just to figure on that
calamity.
THE thought of It threw q dark shadow
on the tail-end of my vacation. In fact,
1 spent most Of the fag-end Of vacation
trying to figure out some scheme whereby
1 might be able to duck the necessity Of
going to school any more at all.
Those schemes Of mine were nebulous
and vague. but I ran over all OF them In
q desperate effort to find q way of pass
ing up the despised school business.
II thought, for example, OF becoming
cutiass-chewing pirate on the sanguinary
Spanish main. There being no feasible
method whereby l could pull this plan
of. next began TO figure on the chances
of my becoming a renowned Indian
fighter before the next fall OF snow, with
the likelihood of my being able to rescue
the beautiful daughter OF the millionaire
from the red fiends, of marrying the gel
Immediately afterward and of settling
down to q life OF easy. opulence on
3O.000-acre ranch. felt measurably GER
tain that they wouldn't have the gall to
Evening star., 1909-07-10
A Cracked Notion.
..IH. ROGERS was a foe to social

..IIH. ROGERS was foe to socialism.
Mr.. Rogers. discussing once with a
reporter the idea of government work
for the unemployed in hard times. said:
Economic conditions can't be bettered
by manufacturing work for men TO do.
Such economic ideas remind me Of Tim
Greeley of Fairhaven.
Tim marketed for his mess during the
war. Cracked eggs used to be sold for
half price at the canteen. Tim walked
in one day with his market basket and
said:
" Gimme two dozen best cracked egge'
Cracked eggs all out, Tim.' said the
sutler.
the corner
"'Weli, crack us up some. will YEP
said he