The Baltimore County union. [volume] (Towsontown, Md.) 1865-1909, 1909-03-27
GEORGE FITCH ON TAFT.

16OI&G TllCu WlIlCS Cu ait W.
Cutcheon, of Chicago, is the cartoon
ist. Following is an extract
Zone cannot cord up too much in
formation about the President of the
United States. The common citi-
zeps who have hired a Presidents
sight unseen and have turned the
welfare of the country over to him
for period of four years may be par
doned for an omnivorous hunger for
details concerning the history, char
acter, habits, dimensions, disposition,
beliefs and relatives of their new en-
ployee.
Summing up in brief the archi-
tect's figures on William Howard
Taft. we find the following:
"DimenSions-Height, six feet;
frontage, enough to allow seven watch
pockets in a row across the vest;
depth, about four times that of VIM.
J. Bryan capacity, 16 hours work a
day.
"Foundations-Clear down to bed
rock. College education, law school
education, newspaper education, seven
years in Cincinnati politics without
settling an inch.
"Gr0und Plan-A ground plan of
the President covers practically all of
the planet. He was born at Cincin.
natl but his large and rather deep foot
tracks have been found in almost
every civilized country. He is the
first President who has taken his Office
after having circumuavigated tn e
globe and played hopscotch across
its various zones.
NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS. and S a n d
most peculiarly mixed with fine
brand of taffy guaranteed under the
government pure food law. Very lit
tie precious metal about the premises.
Is said that on Taft's return from the
Philippines he did not have more than
$4,000. He has held some govern
ment position or other for twenty
years and has always regarded pub
lie Office as an all day job instead of
money bin with a Welcome sign
on it.
"Famish-Extremely plain. He
wears clothes because that was the
way he was brought up. His trous-
ers are vast bad land of hills and
valleys, and his coat finding itself
suddenly without backing and sup
port down near the pockets droops
away dejectedly at the front. In
ducks he looks like an animated cir
Gus tent. In frock coat he is,
however, imposing-as imposing as
four or five ordinary men.
"Coloy .Scbeme-Mr. Taft is white
man with strong sympathy for men
Of darker color. The most patient
and painstaking analysis fails to dis
close any yellow in his make up, OF
any evidence of greenness in his past
record. Being temperate he knows
nothing about Mr.. AIDES celebrated
pale gray dawn. Being by nature
sunny he is never blue. His clothes
are black, his record is white and he
himself, especially after hard days
gol6ng, is beautiful rose pink.
"PeySbective-Not classic. Begin
ming generously at the bottom Mr..
Taft swells noticeably upward to a
point Just above the belt and then
fades away radically to the chin, his
vest being about as steep as an old
fashioned mansard roof. Separated
fran that vest only by collar about
as wide as a piece of baby ribbon
rises the Taft head-a truly noble
piece of architecture, built to fit the
man. One does not wonder how Mr..
Taft manages to store away all his
knowledge, but rather thinks with
awe of the amount of labor required
to fill such a cranial storehouse. With
out any particular preliminaries in the
way of neck it rises straight from the
collar to the temples and then sweeps
away in beautiful oriental dome to
the summit buttressed by forehead
as substantial as the turret of bat
tleship. In all the vast expanse OF
face there are but three landmarks
aside from eyes, nose and mustache.
Two of these are deep furrows on the
side of the nose which when curved
upward and outward help make the
Taft smile. The other is dimple
which shows where his chin used
to be.
".SbeclfcatiOns-One steam-heated
glad hand one large, wide hearty
laugh one reinforced concrete back
bone; one slow-6ring temper with
check valve and automatic thermo'
stat one extra capacity non capsiza'
BILE digestive system ; one poorly tas-
tened head of hair, rather light,
slightly grayed; one light brown ex-
ira width mustache, undomesticated
two blond eyes between narrow lids
two chins one extra with 64-candle
power smile all day schedule one
hot air plant, very moderate size."