davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Highland recorder. (Monterey, Highland County, Va.) 1877-1972, 1909-09-03

Tie following bit Of humor 10 taken
from THE Farringdons," an English
romance. The speakers are Mrs. Bate
son and Mrs. Hankey, worthy wives.
but not altogether above feeling a GER
tain pleasure in showing up the ways
of husbands:
They've no sense. men haven't"
said Mrs, Hankey; that's what's the
matter with them"
You never spoke truer word, Mrs.
Hankey," replied Mrs. Bateson. THE
very best Of them don't properly know
the difference between their souls and
their stomachs, and they fancy they
are a-wrestling with their doubts when
really it IS their dinners that are wres-
thing with them.
"Now, take Bateson hisself," con-
tinued Mrs. Bateson. "a kinder hus-
band or better Christian never drew
breath, yet so sure as he touches a bit
Of pork he begins to worry hissef
about the salvation of his soul till
there's no living with him. And then
he'll sit in the front parlor and engage
in prayer for hours at time till /
says to him
"'Bateson.' says |, I'D be ashamed
to go troubling the Lord with prayer
when q pinch Of carbonate OF soda
would set things straight again."
Highland recorder. (Monterey, Highland County, Va.) 1877-1972, 1909-09-03
Making History.

When Kirglake was writing his his
tory of the Crimean war he received
letters from all sorts Of people con-
cerned In tie war. One day letter
with a dee" black border came from
two people ia the colonies. husband and
wife. desert ing their GRIEF. Their only
child had been killed in the Crimea.
They wanted to have him mentioned
in the "History of the Crimean War
Kinglake was touched and replied by
post that he would do his best If they
would send him the necessary particu-
lars. Again a letter, also black bor-
dered, full Of thanks, but with the fol-
lowing conclusion: 1--WE have no par
tlculars whatever to give you. He was
killed on the spot. like many others.
but anything yCu may kindly invent
will be welcome. We leave it entirely
to your Imagination. "-London Chron-
ic1n
Highland recorder. (Monterey, Highland County, Va.) 1877-1972, 1909-09-03
Dveinu Real Flowers,

Every once I'm awhile some florist
gets busy and puts some odd colored
blossoms in his window as an extra
attraction to the display" said club
man. II just noticed one down the
street. 1t consisted Of bunch OF I'M
possibly green carnations. At first
glance a good many people thought
they were made Of paper, but they got
interested when they found out that
they were natural Now, anybody
who wants to have any of these freak
flowers can get them by buying some
kind Of anillne ink, any color desired.
Carnations are the easiest to color
white ones, of course. Put their stems
in a glass filed with Ink. Their stems
are soft, and in short while tn
larger veins in their petals are filed
with the ink. Don't let them absorb
too much color. They are prettier
with Just so much Then remove
them and put them in a vase of salt
water. Lilies Of the valley lend them
selves to this scheme also. In fact,
any white, soft stemmed flower may
be ed."-Philadelphia Record.
Highland recorder. (Monterey, Highland County, Va.) 1877-1972, 1909-09-03
Hardness and Joy.

Happiness according to the original
use of the term, is that which happens
or comes to one by a hap-that is, by
an outward Detailing or favorable con-
dition. 1t is what money yields or
will buy-dress, equipage, fashion, lux
uries of the table-Or it is settlement In
life. independence, love, applause, adj
miration, honor, glory, or the more
conventional and public benefits Of
rank. political standing, victory, power
all these stir delight in the soul,
which Is not Of the soul or its quality,
but from without; hence they are look
ed upon as happening to the soul and,
in that sense, create happiness. Joy
differs from this as being Of the soul
itself. originating in its quality. And
this appears in the original form Of the
word. which instead of suggesting a
hap literally denotes leap or spring
- The motion is outward and not
toward, as we conceive it to be in
happiness. 1t IS not the bliss of con-
dition, but of Characteristic Horace
Bushnell.
Highland recorder. (Monterey, Highland County, Va.) 1877-1972, 1909-09-03

from long diStance-two voices In
fact-to which he heard his daughter,
his own flesh and blood, the darling or
his cid age, reply:
Make him promise first, dear"
Pull me out" supplicated Pap Hill
dreth weakly For heavens sake, pull
me out, Tommie~
Kin have Susan" came the re-
spOnse.
YES, you kin, on one condition"
'aintly replied Pap Hlldreth.
make him name it," said the other
ioice.
Name it," said Tom.
"Tf you'll catch me that cid ner,"
answered Pap Hildreth.
'I'I do It," said Tommie. And he
did
Highland recorder. (Monterey, Highland County, Va.) 1877-1972, 1909-09-03
Concealed Weapons.

Once in q college town the rumor
that students were carrying concealed
weapons reached the ears Of the local
police. The chief at once issued strin-
gent orders that the heinous practice
should be stopped. One day group
of them passed Il policeman, and one
of the students in so doing put his
hand to his hip pocket. Then, as II
recollecting himself IN time, he hastily
withdrew 1t and looked sheepishly at
the policeman.
"What have you in that pocket?' the
latter asked sternly.
Instead Of answering, the student
and all his companions, as II panic
stricken, started to run. After chase
all the students were cOrnered and or
dered to deliver up whatever they had
in their hip pockets.
Meekly they obeyed. Each one car
red a corncob. The remarks OF the
policemen cannot possibly be record
Philadelphia Ledger.
Highland recorder. (Monterey, Highland County, Va.) 1877-1972, 1909-09-03
eLa Ials Az shs Issksyi

Jew ypNtu Hbh L.. . N
was engaged tC ride tpe iaVoti'" " thn
imnortont racc. On the way 10 ii~
pest he found himself cantering along
side a rank outsider, the mount u "
stable boy who had only just CON-.
menced riding. ,., ..ot
you'll have to be careful Win tnat
brute. b." he remarked. i've ridueh
him before. and you'll never be apie 10
hold him." 49,. .,,t
b. thanked the crack for the han'
and said that he would do his best"
Halfway through the race the out
slider and another were in front, with
the favorite close behind. Fancylng
that the others were in difficulties, the
rider of the favorite shouted:
"Pull out. B., and LETT me tnrough'
I've got the race in handc
The crack was mistaken however
Looking back. the stable boy repileu'
with a grin:
81 would, but can't hold him"
With which the novice let his horse
have his head and shot away, the east
est of winners. to the chagrin OF the
crack. who finished second.
Highland recorder. (Monterey, Highland County, Va.) 1877-1972, 1909-09-03

tried II. IL Hc
could but impale her in Its tines ne
would have the she'd torn down II nee
essary in order to get ut her. NO; the
fork WAS lust triie short. He work
ed his head and shoulders under the
shed. Ha. Ia. Now he could spear
her easily.
Just at this, juncture flock of sheep
came round the corner of the shed ana
cazcd wide eyed at the strange sight
of a fat little man tanning the air with
his legs. The proud leader OF the
flock went forth to investigate. Reach
ing over to sniff at the waving feet or
Pan Hidreth. this particular sheep
received kick under the jaw that
made him see all kinds Of green and
blue balls and stirred deep resentment
within his breast.
Accordingly he backed away and
came against Pap Hildreth's exposed
person with such force as to drive the
poor man under the shed. wedGing him
between the ground and the shed floor
so tightly that he could scarcely bulge,
let alone breathe.
ooh. OH" groaned Pap Hildreth and
kicked cut Justify, only to receive
more violent shock from the old ram.
Pap Hi!dreth lowered his legs and
Law still. lie could feel the hot sun
on the calves Of his legs, which were
EXPOSED owing to the fact that his
trousers had slipped up on them. Then
the little pi,s came over to investigate
foo. and rubbed their moist noses on
those calves until poor Pap Hildreth
had to lift his legs again, which was
the signal for another onslaught from
the ram.
How long he lay there helpless he
never knew 1t seemed hours to him.
wedged in as he was so as to be scarce
" able to breathe and receiving at reg
ular intervals q shock from the old
ram. He gave himself up to fate. He
was sure he would die unless help
soon came. ard there was little hope
Of II. as he was on the south side or
the shed. ard even If anybody did by
chance happen to come into the BARN
ward he might never be seen. He
tried to shout. but he was too tightly
wedged in. He could hardly breathe,
let alone call. The old drab hen had
looked around at him and called him
some more names, after which she had
said goodby and left him.
After what seemed hours to him
Pap Hildreth heard voice as coming
Highland recorder. (Monterey, Highland County, Va.) 1877-1972, 1909-09-03


trousers leg in helpless frenzy. Die
she must, and now-right now. She
should live to make his life terror
not another minute longer than he
could help.
But how was he to accomplish his
end? Any hen Is clever when it comes
to the last Lights OUT" call. This
particular hen he we'll knew would try
all his resourcefulness.
He would deceive her. Yes. that
was the only way. He would let ner
think he considered her audacity cieV-
er; he would go any lengths so that
her suspicious might not be aroused
Then when she least expected 1t he
would seize her and pluck her neck
feathers out one by one and with his
own fingers force small particles of
sharp gravel stones into her eyes. He
would laugh at her helplessness and
gloat-yes, that's what he'd do, gloat-
over her helplessness. And he would
take her life slowly, torturing her all
the while. He might burn her to
death, but slowly, or scald her IN the
big copper caldrOn, little piece at
time.
So far his mind was fully made up.
Now he must proceed to act So he
whistled softly histled in a dusty,
wheezy trebie-"Ole Zip Coon"
Highland recorder. (Monterey, Highland County, Va.) 1877-1972, 1909-09-03
Foiled.

Noiselessly, but with all his might,
the burglar tugged at the dressing ta-
BILE drawer In vain. 1t refused to
open. He tlgged again.
Give it another jerk" said a voice
behind him.
The burglar turned.
The owner of the house was sitting
up In bed and looking at him with an
expression of the deepest interest on
his face.
Jerk it again. There's lot of valu-
able property in that drawer, but we
haven't been able to open it since the
damp weather began. If you can pull
it out I'll give you handsome royal
ty on everything that's
But the burglar had jumped out
through the window. taking a part OF
the sash with him.-Exchange.
Highland recorder. (Monterey, Highland County, Va.) 1877-1972, 1909-09-03
Taken UnaWares.

Sir, William Grantham was engaged
as q political speaker in the days be-
fore he took his place on the bench
and when he was plain Mr.. Grantham.
On one occasion, while he was deliver
ing an address, man got up III the
audience and shouted out eXcitedly,
cts lie!" Thanks" said the future
Judge. ITS lie" shouted the eX-
cited one again. You're gentleman, y
said Mr.. Grantham sarcastically. ITS
Her. burst out his opponent again,
carried away by his wrath, but the
general laughter which arose at his
answer recalled him to himself again,
and he sat down Observation-Disclosures
VI. A. 2.
Highland recorder. (Monterey, Highland County, Va.) 1877-1972, 1909-09-03
Tho Crinean Crime,

Kinglake was all for war. "He used
to say" says Nine. Novikoff, that
peace would emasculate the world.
Besides he continued, population
when too dense Is not at its best. " He
Gid not like Bright. Nine. Noyikoff
told Kinglake one day that Bright had
made a curious remark about the
Crimean statue IN Pail Mall. 1.-THE In
scription," he had said, should be al
tered. The "a should be put before the
world crime and not at the end
London Standard.
Highland recorder. (Monterey, Highland County, Va.) 1877-1972, 1909-09-03

He couldn't see the hen. but he knew
she had picked up her head to listen.
So he with great difficulty scraped
away at his left eye until he had II
clean enough to see little. He still.
kept whistiing, although every note
gave him pain. and The dusty perspira-
ton running down his face was all
that furnished the necessary moisture
for his whistle.
He stopped whistling and began to
hum There Were Ninety and Nine
as he squeezed himself through the
fence. keeping his eye on the hen.
Poor man." she said, sidestepping a
ward or two and smiling at him.
"t,uss your' whispered Pap Hildreth.
Jest you watt!
The hen, which had been scratching
in time to his whistle, said something
softly to herself and looked so pleased
that all the dormant evil In Pap Hill
dreth's nature that had slumbered on
Highland recorder. (Monterey, Highland County, Va.) 1877-1972, 1909-09-03
10 the Point.

A little boy hurriedly entered a drug
store ard asked the clerk for a bot
tie of liniment and a bottle of china
cement.
why" said the clerk, that's q
funny combination. What do you
want with hose things"
"AIa hit dad with a tcacup and broke
itw exclaimed the boy.
Highland recorder. (Monterey, Highland County, Va.) 1877-1972, 1909-09-03
Tat For Tit.

They were sitting out in the conserv-
atory. Sam sat on the sofa. and Sally
sat on Sam, bat it was all right. for he
had Just asked her to marry him. She
had said, Il don't care If do" and
thus they were engaged.
"Sam. dear" she began. lam the
only girl'-
"Now, look here. Sally" he inter
rupted. don't ask me if you're the
only girl | ever loved. You know as
well as do
"Oh. that wasn't the question ut all,
Sam" she answered. Il was going to
ask If was the only girl who would
have YOU London Answers.
Highland recorder. (Monterey, Highland County, Va.) 1877-1972, 1909-09-03

A great many people who have
trifed with indigestion, have been
sorry for it-when nervous or
chronic dyspepsia resulted, and
they have not been able to cure it.
Use Kodol and prevent having
Dyspepsia.
Everyone is subject TO indiges-
ton. Stomach arrangement follows
stomach abuse, just as naturally
and just as surely as a sound and
healthy stomach results upon the
taking Of Kodol.
When you experience sourness
of stomach, belching Of gas and
nauseating fluid, bloated sensation,
gnawing pain in the pit of the
stomach, heart burn (so-called),
diarrhoea, headaches, dullness or
chronic tired feeling-you need Ko-
dol. And then the quicker you take
Kodol-the better. Eat what you
want, let Kodol digest it.
Ordinary pepsin dyspepsia tab
let's" physics, etc., are not likely
to be Of much benefit to you, In
digestive ailments. Pepsin is only
Gcld b1, X TT TRIM
Highland recorder. (Monterey, Highland County, Va.) 1877-1972, 1909-09-03
II Didn't Fall Cut.

81 see your bais is falling out, Sir
remarked tie hairdrcssGr. who was
getting ready to work the har TONIC
idea On the customer.
"You don't see anything Of the sort'
rejoined his victim. what you see
is the sequel to falling out between
Mrs. CodSers and myself."-Lond0n
Apcrvarc
Highland recorder. (Monterey, Highland County, Va.) 1877-1972, 1909-09-03

awoke with a start. Henceforth his
one object in life was to destroy her.
"Chookie, chookie, chookie!' he call
ed softly. Poor chookie! Come and
get some corn"
He threw handful Of dirt about his
feet. and the hen stood on one loot
and craned her neck. Poor man!
she chuckled and recommended opera
lions on the tomatoes.
Her back was toward him, and Pap
Hildreth got down on his hands and
knees and crept toward her. Nearer
and nearer he drew until the prize was
within his grasp. Oh. glory of glories!
He reached out and. with the words
Dang you-now I've got your made
grab at her. Alas that it should be
the part OF man to simply propose.
The hen sidestepped again and sought
the other side of the row Of vines.
Pap Hidreth lay still and said
things to himself. He made up his
mind now that when he caught the
hen he would pluck her feathers out
one by one and tie her down to bed
of ants. And he would catch her. This
he vowed.
"Chookie, chookie." he cried, softly
extending one bare arm toward her.
A yellow moth settled down and
alighted on his arm. Glory! The hen
saw the moth and was creeping toward
it. Now he would have her sure. Just
let her within his reach, and
She came slowly, trustingly, the yell
low moth her loadstone to destruction.
At last she was there. He would wait
for her to make reach for the moth.
Then he would grab her by the neck;
be would jab one Of her eyes out with
his finger. Yes, he would take that
much revenge at once. She came,
and Pap Hildreth felt sharp pain,
as though his arm was poked by a
redhOt iron, and, 10, she was away
again, the yellow moth futtering in
her beak!
Human flesh can endure but so much,
and Pap Hildreth's stock of patience
was exhausted.
The drab hen had pecked Pap Hill
dreth on the muscles Of the forearm,
leaving puncture from which oozed
little tricl;le of blood. Noting this,
/ Pan Hildreth cast strategy to the
einds and sprang to his feet, with a
srow.
I 81 might shoot her." be muttered,
slipping bis galluses down and tying
them about his waist. "only it nd be
too easy n death for her. l Wanter
! torture her. so III run her down, l
will, by gosh"
Accordingly he made dash for the
hen, and the hen made a dash for the
fence. She went through with flying
colors. Through the fence she went,
and through the fence Pap Hildreth
followed, putting like a steam engine.
Across the potato patch they raced
and down the path to the barnyard'
-. The hen dashed around the straw
stack, and Pap Hildreth, with the SUI
perior wisdom of mankind, circled the
stack in an opposite direction so as to
meet the drab hen on sle other side
She came sailing arounda Der head
over her shoulder and her wings spread
wide. Pap Hildreth made a grab fol
her and tumbled pellmell over a fam
lily of little pigs half hidden In the
straw
! He was too much out Of breath to dc
any damage to the small pigs; other
wise it might have Jared badly will
them just at this time. When he go1
his wind back they had wisely taker
themselves away. and the drab .her
Highland recorder. (Monterey, Highland County, Va.) 1877-1972, 1909-09-03
Difficult Advice.

Mrs Rayce was talking TO another
young woman ar tea.
How decidedly better off a man
would be-" said the other young wo-
man. ''if he would only take his wife's
advicew I
"Quite true, my dear" said Mrs.
Rayce. i've advised my George time
and time again not to bet on horses
that don't win, but be will do it."
Highland recorder. (Monterey, Highland County, Va.) 1877-1972, 1909-09-03
Charity.

1t is an old saying that charity be-
gins at home, but this is no reason 1t
should not 20 abroad. A man should
live with the world as a citizen Of the
world. He may have a preference for
the particular quarter or square or
even alley in which he lives. but he
should have generous feeling for the
welfare of the wbole.-Cumborland.
Highland recorder. (Monterey, Highland County, Va.) 1877-1972, 1909-09-03

ment t h e t W o
looked into one
another's e yes ;
t h en- the b e n
turned her back
upon him again
with all q boss
disdain and sent
a b Il n d f u Of
gravel into his
face at C lose
quarters.
1t was a terri
BILE insult, an I'M
pardonable one.
Her life m u S t
pay the penalty,
So decided Pap
Hildreth, stand
ing W i t h lip S
wn back from
dust filed teeth
and eyes tight
closed and hands
Highland recorder. (Monterey, Highland County, Va.) 1877-1972, 1909-09-03
HERE IS RELIEF Ena WOMEN.

II goa have palms In tho back, Urinary, lisdusf
or Kidney trouble and want e certain, pleasant
herb relief from Women's ills, try Mother Grays
"AUSTRALIAN-LEAF. IL is q safe, reliable
iucludng Inflammation and alterations. Mother
Gray's Australian Leaf is soIdby Druggist, or
sent BY mail for 90 cite. Sample sent FhEhs
Address, The Mother Gray Co., lie Roy, NIX.
Highland recorder. (Monterey, Highland County, Va.) 1877-1972, 1909-09-03
Why He Quit.

$50 you abandoned the simple style
Of spelllng?"
YES" responded the former advo-
cate Of the fad 81 found 1t so difficult
to make people understand that |
knew better."- Philadelphia Ledger.
Highland recorder. (Monterey, Highland County, Va.) 1877-1972, 1909-09-03
a Matter of Taste.

"Mister. you're wasting time sketch
ing that old ruined bridge"
Indeed"
Eyes; there's fine new steel bridge
lust mile farther ."-LouisRilie
Courier-Journal.
Highland recorder. (Monterey, Highland County, Va.) 1877-1972, 1909-09-03

tAIN l. NuuSC 4 oVb tA'Nh ~
r good enough. Tommie's the
best man ever had OH this
farm. 'Tain't cause Of that
or anything else, only he can't have
my Susan, an l told him so this
mornin'."
Pan Hildreth finished filling the old
brown basket with potatoes and arose
stif1y from his knees. There was
peaceful. satisfied look on his scanned
face as he wiped his dirty hands on
his freshly washed overalls and let his
eyes roam about him.
I'm comfortable" he said, address
ing the old drab hen that was in
dustriously pecking holes in the mel
low red tomatoes just beyond. lit
comfortable well fixed"
The hen turned her back upon him
and sent spray of dust over the low
wire fence with the unerring aim OF
her kind directly in his face.
The dirt settled in his hair and
beard. and Pap Hildreth set his basket
down and wiped his mouth on his
sleeve.
Now, he. Pap Hildreth, was model
farmer not only to his family. but TO
everything on the farm. TO this par
ticular drab hen he had always been
kind and indulgent. Time out of num-
Der had he let her offenses go unpun-
ished only because his heart was big
and he could overlook little mistakes.
She was nuisance, too; he confessed
1t to himself now as he spat the grit
out from beneath his teeth and watch
ed her destroy whole punches OF red
tomatoes. She had never acted like
other hens that he could remember,
and his acquaintance with hens was
large. She had never laid an egg IN
her life She had simply stood around
with a proud, defiant air and waited
for the other hens to do their work.
Then she would proceed to clean up
on the fruits Of their labor. She ate
the eggs. She was an aristocrat-no
doubt Of that. She was big and fat
and sleek. Her comb was red as
blood, and she fairly danced and
pranced about. she was so full of life
and spirits.
"You sure do seem to be enjoyin
life" continued Pap Hildreth, coming
over to the fence and looking over.
He smiled at the hen from his lips and
heart and one eye. The other had a
gravel chip in 1t and couldn't smile.
nv l.opf IF clOcH6
The hen lifted her head and listened
without turning. Then she put her
head inpudcntly on one side and said
something soto voce.
A red flush stole up across Pap Hill
dreths already red neck and face.
''If she didn't say devil as plain as I
err any man kin say it, then my hear
; ms gettin' bad" he told himself.
Now, as usual, Pap Hildreth. being
in an amiable mood. had addressed the
hen in a gentlemanly way. He had
simply said, I'm comfortable well
fixed" and that was all-nothing
about such remark for a hen to take
objection to. and he knew it,
He didn't like it bit. but he simply
grinned foolishly and turned to pick
up his basket.
Then the drab hen said something
that fairly made his short hair bristle
something that even lie could not let
90 unchallenged. He heard it distinct
IL and knew there was no mistaking.
He returned to the fence. his heavy
eyebrows knitted In a frown. and the
hen turned and faced him. For mo-
Highland recorder. (Monterey, Highland County, Va.) 1877-1972, 1909-09-03
KNOCKING Hubby.

"Ny husband thinks he is very eco
nomical," said the blue eyed woman
"He saves everything. One drawer
Of his desk Is devoted to time tables,
and he has some that are three years
Old."-EXchange.
Highland recorder. (Monterey, Highland County, Va.) 1877-1972, 1909-09-03
r. T,;i,r,c Patron Saint.

The tailor's saint is st. John the
Baptist. but why we do not Know ioi,
rs far as sacred writ informs U.s. MS
clothing was OF camers hair ana d
leather girdle about his Iolns."-Taiicr
and Cutter.