The Washington times., 1909-04-17
CHAPTER VI (ConcPd).

September 18th.
| Gle had purposely used plain type
~ written envelope-sn my account.
I Had he warned her to do that? Since that
letter came yesterday. have been able
to think Of but one thing-the hideous
! possibilities Of their attitude toward me.
For the first time I realized that they
4 must have talked about me They must
have discussed ways of meeting or writ
/ ing 50 ] would not know. That my hus-
! band should talk OF me TO another wo-
mani I have been dragged through the
very mire of shame and ignominy.
| =
| September 1stn
LOW do they talk about me? What
do they say? Does he speak of me
as my wife" or as Mrs. Kennedy"
What does he tell her? Does ne say
that we have grown apart-that I no
longer care? Does she question him
about me? Does he allow that? And
| does he answer her questions? How
intensely curious she must be about
the woman who is his wife! For two
nights I have lain awake torturing my
self with the thought OF all the int1-
mate, personal things she might ask
him. She may even know of my suf-
|
does she pity me? on, what must
do-what can do2 II there Is q Goo
how can such things be?
September 10Th.
HAVE been reading some books on
the various New Thought religions
trying to get some comfort from their
| theory that all is mind and divine love
But it all seems so personal and alb
stract 1 want the warm human love
OF my husband-the strength of his arms
around me. The though that some
other woman lies there is killing me.
September 22d.
Edith Darlington was here today. She
stayed only a few hours, returning to
Boston on the evening train. 1 did not
know she was coming-she had not
written or telegra phed-and I was out
when she came AT first she explained
nervously that she had come over to
do some shopping. and We talked for
some time in a strained way. Then she
said abruptly:
Mary, 1 didn't come to shop. came
to talk with you. I thought it might
help melt did before
J Nothing has happened?" I felt my
heart sink with the old sickening sense
of dread
Nothing definite. but I'm so worried
| and unhappy. Oh, don't know what
to dol"
I waited. I had no heart to question
her.
You know you said things couldn't
) 60 on this way indefinitely. I suppose
| in my heart 1 had some wild hope that
they could. but know now they cannot.
Z IN Of
some crisis. And the most horrible
part Of all is that I feel whatever hap
| pens 1 will have TO go through It alone.
It is that sense of standing so alone
that terrifies me"
But surely, Edith
"Oh, know what you are going to
| say-that he should stand with me and
| protect and shield me. And Of course
he would in every material way; but
still I would be alone. How can I ex-
! plain It so you viii understand? II I
say that I feel he is drawing away
| from me. that will give an impression
that is much too strong, and viii make
! you wholly misjudge him. He isn't
| drawing away from me In any tangible
way. It is all SO subtle I don't know
how TO put It into words. 1 only know
that the more cling to him-the more
show my need Of him-the farther
away he seems"
You mean-ae doesn't love you as
he did?''
In some ways I think he loves me
more. But feel that he doesn't want
the responsibility Of my future. And
when 1 show that I am clinging to him
too much. in some subtle way I feel
that he is drawing back. Il is nothing
tangible that ne says or does. but still
1 have that feeling, and It hurts-it
hurtsi
And that is where / have paid. Had
I not gone to him that night, or had ]
let him take me home as he wanted to.
/ could have secured my divorce and he
would have been eager TO marry me.
But that night 1 was desperate; had
no thought of the future. And now
now feel that everything is different"
You don't mean that II you were
free he would hesitate to marry you
now because of-of this?''
| NO. / don't mean quite that That
is such ghastly way OF putting It.
But II he married me now 1t would be
because he felt he owed It to me, and
not because he wanted me 20 be his
wife more than he wanted anything
else In the world. or course. he would
never admit that. but 1 know! He
would never admit. either, that he does
not respect me in quite the same way,
and yet I feel that he does not. lie
has done nothing to make me sav this:
in every way he is as delicate and
chivalroUs and tender with me as he
lever was. and yet know deep in his
heart IL is not the same-and it never
can be.
"Oh. there is something insidiOus. cor
rosive, about a love like this 10 a
woman like me. I pay for every mo-
ment of our happiness with hours Of
lscorching shame. And / cannot under
stand it. for theoretically 1 feel that
II is right-that I have every right TO
live my life as I choose. AS for any
| snnea Of dislnNaltv To Erank haze