The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1909-07-05

Man in your office took sick from
eating softshel crabs at lunch and you
had to take him to his home over in
Alexandria
That also is a flimzi
1.-THE lean one grinned In puzzled sort
of way and looked around sort of hope
lessly.
Gosh he said to the fat one, you've
handed her most of the repertoire,
haven't you, pal?
.Fraid | have said the fat one,
gloomily. But say, If we're going to that
show. why. it's time to eat and I've
gotta pass her some old thing. Let's
see,' and he pushed his hat up from
the side and scratched above his ear.
Gee, I've got it, I'll blame it all on
you, see? Ill tell her that your wires
out of town and that when l met you on
my way home for dinner you were
picked up to the neckband, and that
ice that ice thatn said the lean one,
grabbin the fat one by the coat lapel.
Put that one in storage before you pull
it and get me in DutcheN than 1 am
already.
Say you lummox, doesn't your wife
hate me enough already without your
piling up these new ones? And how dye
know but what my wife has spent the
hui afternoon with your wife?
And don't you know that the minute
you tell her that we are together, why,
your wifell call up my wife, and they'll
get to comparing notes, and they'll both
swear Its put-up job, and all that? Say
cut out these Bwana Tumbos; get every
body in Dutch with those lunches of
yours, won't you?
:" oh, l meant for you to blame it on
me, too, when you phoned to your Wife
explained the fat one. But l guess that S
a shrimpy number, anyhow. How'd it
do to just tell 'em we're soused, and that
Well be home next Tuesday week il the
day isn't cloudy, and let it go at that?
" Now l know you're crazy, said the
lean one. Let's go have little some
thing and think, it over and out they
trudged arm in arm again, and they
didn't come back, and so l suppose they
ended by not sending any kind of word
to their wives.
But the way those two did fan over
what they called the old stuff, the ex
cuses they'd used so often before! Do
you wonder that telephone girls have got
to be shown before they'll consent to
listen to the tinkle of their own wedding
bells?
1.-The men that come here to send phone
excuses to their wives don't mind tho
phone girl at all. They take it for grant
ed that she is used to all that stuff
which, of course, she really sand so
they aren't particle shy about discus
sing just what lies they're going to try
to fix up for their wives
"Why, some of them even ask me for
what they call a new one
HAD one like that only two evenings
ago. He was a careless looking, middle
aged man, and he was twisting his mus
tache and looking real reflective as he
stauntered toward me here. He gave me
the number he wanted, and then he lean
ed over not leeringly or fiirtily at all,
understand, but just in business-like
matter-of-fact way, and he said to me:
Got anything new in the square-it-
at-home liner
I knew perfectly what he meant, Of
course, but I wasn't going to admit it,
But my refusing to admit it didn't squelch
him any
"a thing that there's a great need
for he said to me in reflective tone,
is sort of Everyday Book of Lies"
little brochure like that would save
tired people, like myself, for example, a
lot of trouble.
" For instance, If there were such a
book on file here at the present moment
I'd be spared not little irking thought
I'd Just turn over to the section of the
book devoted to that particular kind of
lie that I desire at present to employ and
there it 'ud be as pat as fellows strict
ly original toast that he gets out OF a
Book of Toasts."
I'm going to suggest the building of
such a book to some writing fellows of
nv acquaintance. 1t could be called
'"rhe Handy LIAR" or lone Thousand
Pat Lies" or Lilies for Every Occasion
or something equally descriptive and sat
isfying.
I'm the meantime, hang it all, I Won
der what I'm going to" And the rest
of it dribbled off into a sort of humble. I
was too busy with other excuses min
ute or so later to have time to listen to
what kind of an EXCUSE he was dishing
out to his wife, but I'll bet 1t was an
ingenious one.
"Thats the worst part of it, by the way
the wheedling, deceitful way the men
who invent these deliberate yarns tell
them to their wives over the telephone.
can't help but overhear a good deal Of
that stuff on the line and sometimes
feel as If could jump up and shake tho
men who are telling their wives these
shocking, bamboozling lies that I've
heard them make up in talk with eacn
other only minute or so before.
"'Wel, man will say to his compan-
ion, I'll see If can uncol that one on
goes into the booth. Presently l hear
him making his little opening talk to her.
+" Doll heart the horrid ruffian says to
her In sort of languishing tone, is
that you? BY George, but it's agreeable
to hear your voice, honeybug.
Say little wan, there wasn't a chance
on earth for me to make the dinner thing
at home this evening" and then he
plunges in and unreels the dreadful
whopper he has invented Sure did make
me sore he goes on then, to be kept
down town.
"Td a thousand times rather be
mooeting around the little old nest with
my blubWubbsy, and you know 1t, but
And then he goes on with a lot more Of
that kind, perhaps winking all the TIME
at his grinning companion outside the
booth, and 1t certainly Is enough to give
anybody what they call the biggest kind
of a line on men and their ways.
mot. of course, I am glad to say, that
these men get away with their phoned
lies every time, or anything like every
time. AS matter of fact should say
that they don't put their yarns over
more than about once in three times,
and notice that the men who succeed in
making their stories stick over the phone
are usually the younglsh type of men,
who look as If they're not long married.
1.-The gettng-along and middle-aged
men don't often win out at the finish of
their phoned confabs with their wives,
but the same ones bob along at regular
intervals. with new stories fixed up to