Audubon County journal. (Exira, Iowa) 1884-1993, 1909-10-21
The Drama I aught
by Mail
Mr.. Wood B. Booth, Mulligrub, Mis-

Mr.. Wood B. Booth, Mulligrub, Mis-
souri,.
Dear Sir: Your application for in
struction by mail calculated to fit you
for the ordinary villainous part in
melodrama received and filed. Your
remittance of $40 is hereby acknowl-
edged.
We have turned out of our CORE
sopondence school some of the most
villainous actors now on the stage,
and each succeeding season we are
making them more so. One of our
pupils was set upon by an angry audi
ence in Texas a few weeks ago and
beaten within an inch of his life so
naturally and villianously did he car
ry out his part in "The Unwound
Mainspring; or, The Watch That
Failed" He has sent us splendid
testimonial, with his photograph aft
err the attack, copy of which we in
close as an additional assurance of
our skill at making villains by mail.
For your first lesson we append q
few suggestions as the basis for your
future work Follow directions care
fully and advise us when you have
mastered these elementary principles.
First, the teeth: You must learn to
grind them readily. with a graf
ing sound that can be heard as far as
the gallery.
Some villains carry along prop
erty dentist to grind their teeth for
them, or employ local dentist as a
"supe." This will not do. Every
really successful villain should learn
to grind his own teeth. We have a
small emery toothgrinder that wo
sell at rs cents that has proved very
satisfactory. In case the necessities
of the drama requires the teeth to be
ground several times in the course
of one performance you should have
a supply of our emery grinders in
your vest pocket. We make special
rates on them by the dozen, and they
will be of great service to you.
Second, the hair: 1t must be jet
black and curly. If you have natural
ly black and curly hair so much the
better. 1t will not take so much Of
your attention. Otherwise remit $3.50
for quart of our jet dye, guaranteed
not to turn green, spot, freckle or
| scale. We have also a pocket ctlrler,
inexpensive and efficient, and we pre-
pare rhinoceros grease hair wax
which lasts indefinitely and keeps the
| ringlets always in condition. Espe-
cial attention must be paid to these
| details of the hair. The villain whose
hair comes out of curl at critical
point in the play is lost.
Third, the walk: The villains walk
stand before the pier glass at least
four hours day and practice the
strut, the glide and the swagger.
Strut until you are in light perspir-
alton; then glide until you cool OF,
and finally swagger until you are
steaming hot. Remember, you must
never appear on the stage with an or
binary carriage. When you threaten
the heroine, strut; when you steal
the child, glide; when you wave the
mortgage that is to rob her of the
old farm, swagger. For practice you
may wave part of an old newspaper
and swagger before the glass until
| you are thoroughly aroused and feel
| villainous. Then write us for further
instructions.
Fourth, setting the teeth: Certain
of your lines must be Kissed through
your set teeth. The success of these
lines depends upon getting the teeth
properly set. Setting the teeth is &C.
quired only by long practice
Fifth, the speech: When you have
learned to hiss through your set teeth
a little alcohol or gasoline will dis
solve the tooth setting and you are
free again to resume your villainy.
The speech now becomes Of prime
Importance. A good many of your
best lines depend upon it, For your
first lessons take these words, which
you will have frequent need of:
"Tush!" Very expressive and no.
cessary. Tush before the glass about
SO times, putting worlds of scorn into
each tush.
BAH" This is one of the most
important words in your vocabulary.
A good bah will always bring down
the house. The bah must come from
the very lower lobes of the lungs; or,
better still, the abdomen. A little
bah that comes from only the back
teeth will not do. You will need to
bah at the heroine. the hero, the hon.
est but simple-minded farm hand, and
possibly at the police. With the right
kind of bah, you will be able to get
through four or five acts before you
are caught. A poor bah may land you
in the tolls in the second act.
"Pish! Hah! Fudge!" These
and other explanations should be
carefully rehearsed. After you have
Judged until you, feel proficient, hah
literally. Do not neglect these.
Sixth, the "Kuh-hurses!" These
are highly important. 1t may be ne
cessary for you at any moment
heap kuh-hurses on some one / u
this purpose we supply small pack.
| age of assorted Kuh-hurses puaran.