davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Los Angeles herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1900-1911, 1909-03-20
IT is TO LAUGH

"Do you believe that woman will
over have as many advantages as d
man enjoys?" asked the bachelor re-
porter
II do not" replied the firm-mouthe i
president of the suffrage club. "A
woman must always lack mans greater
advantage; a woman can never nave
a wife. "-Woman's Home Companion.
IS
Patrick arrived home much the worse
for wear, says Everybody's Magazine.
One eye was closed, his nose was
broken and his face looked as though
it had been stung by bees.
GLORY bel" exclaimed his wife.
THAT Dutchman Schmartzheimer-
twas him." explained Patrick.
Shame on YET" exploded his wife
without sympathy. "A big shpalpeen
the loikes of you to get bate up by {.
little omadhoun of a Dottchman the
size Of MIN! Why"
whist. Nora" said Patrick, don't
spake disrespectfulIy of the dead"
He-Alice, you've been eating onions
again
He-Well, come out with me in my
motor car and see if 1 can't take your
breath away.
Church congress in London a certain
bishop had as his left-hand companion
a clergyman who was completely BAH.
During dessert the baldheaded vicar
dropped his napkin and stopped to pick
it up. At this moment the bishop, who
was talking to his right-hand neighbor,
felt a slight touch on his left arm. He
turned, and, beholding the Wears pate
on level with his elbow, said: mo,
thank Won. no melon / will take some
pineapple
The Georgians of Augusta are chuck
ling over a new story about Mr.. Taft.
Mr.. Taft, it seems, drove out one aft
ernoon to see Georgia planter. The
planters cook, very old woman, takes
no interest in public affairs, and she
did not recognize the portly guest
what did you think of that gentle
man. Martha ?" the planter asked, after
Mr.. Taft had driven off.
well, SIR" old Martha replied, 81
can't say as I saw nothin' pertickler
about him He looked to me like the
kind of man as would be pretty reg Ter
to his meals"
A certain small boy of is rapidly as
Stunning manly ways. Not long ago his
room at school planned an entertain
ment. There were to be little songs and
Rotations and a mysterious grab-b bag,
says the Cleveland Plain Dealer. The
small boy waXed eloquent concerning
the coming glories of this show, and
more especially the part he would take.
On the morning of the entertainment
his mother suggested that he should
take his little sister, aged 4, with him.
He hung his head.
Don't you want to take her?" his
mother asked.
mo, l don't" he answered.
"And why not 2"
The reply came quickly:
"'Cause there amt none of tn other
fellers has to bring their children!'
Los Angeles herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1900-1911, 1909-03-20
LINCoLN'S BOYHooD BOOKS

The books of Lincoln's boyhood days
were very few. In fact, they can be
counted on the fingers of one hand.
First, was the Bible, whole library
in itself If properly understood and
containing every sort of literature
stories, poems, dramas addresses, ora
tions, history, some simple enough Tor
the youngest child, others taxing the
wisdom of the learned.
Second was "Pilgrim's Progress"
with it's quaint characters and vivid
scenes related in simple, vigorous Eng
lish "Aesop's Fables" was third and
introduced the log cabin boy to Won
derful range of Characteristic gods OF
mythology, the different ranks ana
classes of mankind and every animal.
Fourth was a history of the United
States. in which there was the charm
of truth and a more modern tone, ana
from which were learned the lessons OF
patriotism that Lincoln's manhood put
into action. Last came Weems' Life
of Washington" queer stilted book,
but one full of detail that made wash
ington seem living example.
He was almost a man when the
ARABIAN Nights" was added to his
meager collection. This was a present
from his cousin, Dennis Hanks. Lin
coin as a boy had a habit of asking
questions of every one he came in con-
tact WITH, Wllcn naDlI WAS Tic ilOi tlii-
cation of his father, who regarded 1t as
exceedingly ill-bred and young Abe
was corrected many a time for his
broadside of queries which would be
hurled at a guest almost before he was
able to get down from his horse
One day he said to his cousin Dennis,
Dennis, the things I want to know are
in books, and the fellow who brings
me a book will be my best friend" 1t
was not long after that when Dennis
had occasion to take a trip to the city,
and one of the things he brought back
was a copy of the arabian Nights"
for Abe. This was regarded as great
prize by the lad and for weeks 1t was
the regular evening program for him
to read this volume by the light of the
fire in the chimney. On one occasion
his father sat through one of the stories
and at the end curled his lip con-
temptuously and said, "Why, the story
Is a lie." Il know replied Abe, "but
it's darned good lie."
At this period of Lincoln's life lie was
developing some ability in the direction
of composition, but states and paper
were luxuries out of his reach, and
work of this character was done on a
single or a board. When the surface
became filled with characters 1t was
planed down for future use.-Philadel-
phia Inquirer
Los Angeles herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1900-1911, 1909-03-20
III is TO LAUGH

Prof and Mrs. Hadley were on a
train bound for New York, where
Yales president was to speak before
national convention. He made use of
the hour and twenty minutes he spent
in the train by rehearsing his speech
in low voice, using his hands to en-
phasize certain passages.
A kindly matron who was sitting
directly behind Mr.. and Mrs. Hadley,
and who had been watching and listen
ing, leaned forward and, tapping Mrs.
IIadley on the shoulder said feelingly:
you have my sincere sympathy, my
poor woman 1 have one just like him
at home.
| A young Englishman, after he had
been in DEVILS valley for a couple of
months, began to grow thin. Wyoming
| cooking did not appeal to him. Besides
hi squeamish appetite there was an
other thing that the natives held
against him-his outlandish custom of
taking a bath every morning. One day
his landlady was discussing him with
friend. IT tell We what. SAL" said the
visitor, "he's jest a wastin' away agrleV-
in for some gal back east thar"
"Nothn' O. the kind" said the land
lady, contemptuously. You mark my
words, now-that young fellow he's jest
a-washin' hisself away"
s.
When Charles Dudley Warner was
the editor of the Hartford, Conn.,, Press
back in the '60s, arousing the patriotism
of the state by his vigorous appeals,
one of the typesetters came in from the
composing room, and, planting himself
before the editor, said: "Well, Mr.. War
ner. I've decided to enlist in the army"
With mingled sensation of pride and
responsibility, Mr.. Warner replied, en-
coura gingly, that he was glad to see
that the man felt the call of duty.
"Oh it isn't that" said the truthful
compositor, 'but I'd rather be shot
than to try to set any more of your
copy"
Hussein KAHN Bey, the new Turk
ish ambassador discussed cooking at a
dinner in washington.
'Your cooking is better than ours.
he said. "Still, there are some things
in it I decidedly dislike. I dislike, for
instance, hung gamc-game kept till
it smells like cheese.
"And your cheese ITSELF mean your
more expensive cheese-the kind with
mold in tit isn't very
''I cracked 81 joke about your cheese
at luncheon.
"Do you prefer with the apple pie
rouuefort or limburger? asked my
host
"Let them race across the table to
me, and I'll take the winner said l.
Los Angeles herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1900-1911, 1909-03-20
RESTLESS CHILDREN

How sorry one feels for those rest
less little nursery folk who suffer from
that perpetual injunction, do sit still!'
Children are born with a devouring
curiosity to investigate and poke their
fingers into everything. They want to
discover what things are made of, why
wheels go round, the how and the
wherefore of all creation; and it is
often very tiresome to be cooped up in
train and trolley or in a room on a
rainy day with one of these perpetual
motion little mortals.
But it is one of those things we have
to face, grin at and bear, for it is in
evitable that children's minds and
bodies should be on the move. Unless
their brains prompt them to ask ques-
tons they will never grow. And If
their bodies have not some of the leap
ing there, there and everywhere" ten
denotes of the grasshopper, the child ic
not as healthy as he should be.
Is He overtired?
But there is all the difference in the
world between peevish, irritable fidget-
mess and sound wholesome, mental
and muscular activity.
When a child is "all over the place"
and the warning, Do sit still!' has to
be sounded every two or three minutes,
there is always a possibility that the
little one is perhaps overtired; or,
again, it may be that he has not been
taught the reasonable self-controi
which even a baby can learn; or, on
the other hand, he may be suffering
from some digestive disorder.
Many child earns the title of "a
born fldget" merely because he is sub
ject to flatulence or some other form of
4. a Dub &c nt nc.t
possibility. He may be the victim of
brain-fag, and merely need quiet
hours midday sleep.
No child can be expected to develop
up to the best that is in him unless an
hours daily sleep, either before or after
lunch is strictly enforced to the age OF
at least.
1t is of no use to say do sit still"
to an oVertired child. He sipmly can't
sit still. His brain and body are over
excited. There is no rest for him nor
for anybody near him. / have seen
dozens of such small folk in go-carts,
and the nurses usual remedy for such
fidgetiness seems to be to slap or shake
the little culprit. and tell him to keep
quiet and not fidget any more"
Don't Punish Him
The shakes and smacks are quite use
less.
1t is sleep the child understanding
but "sleep, balmy sleep, tired natures
sweet restorer'' Such children need
to be soothed rather than scolded and
admonished to "sit still"
81 know a midday sleep is good for
small children. but Bobby is such a
little Turk he won't be put to bed IN
the daytime says mother.
Bobby, aged 8, smiles up his superior
masculine sleeve, and thinks he's fine
fellow to outwit mothers plans He
continues, therefore, to rebel at at
tempts to tuck him in his cot for the
midday sleep he badly needs; and, as
a result, all afternoon, DO sit still,
Bobby!" is dinned into his tired little
brain with no effect.-Philadelphia In
quirer.
Los Angeles herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1900-1911, 1909-03-20
Benefit entertainment
FOR M'KINLEY SOCIETY
Sketch Will Be Given and Proceeds
viii Be Used for Aiding Chill
dren's Movement

The Mckinley Home Industrial So
ciety. which shelters about one hundred
worthy and deserving boys in its cot
tages, near Gardena, on the Redond9
electric line, is to be given benefit
entertainment about the first OF May
by local talent.
Under the direction of r. e. Collins,
"The Mystic Midgets," an or eta,
with more than one hundred chii6r 11
and young people in the cast of char
acters, will be presented, and combined
with it will be some of the attractive
features Of a May festival.
AS the cause is such a worthy one
many society women OF influence are
ready to assist. A committee consist
ing of Mrs. G. A. Bobrick Mrs. G. A.
Brock and Mrs. Florence Collins Por-
ter are now making the preliminary
arrangements.
Los Angeles herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1900-1911, 1909-03-20
SeIf-ASSertiOn as am Asset

Working right beside them are others
with perhaps less ability, but with that
aggressiveness, ambitious spirit which
attracts attention and carries them on
past their more modest and retiring
friends. In this electric country of
push and hurry and drive, people are
too busy to investigate merit or mere
worth which does not exhibit itself or
force it's way forward. The American
people believe in the man who claims
something, who assumes to stand for
something, who asserts himself; for this
assertion is evidence of that progress
siveness which is so essential to sue
cess. If man makes no claims, people
take it for granted he does not believe
Los Angeles herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1900-1911, 1909-03-20
GIVE THEM A PLACE TO PLAY

Plenty of room for dives and dens
(Glitter and glare and sinh
Plenty of room for prison pens,
Gather the criminals ind
Plenty of room for jails and courts
(Willing enough to pay),
But never a place for the lads to race,
No, never place to play!
Plenty of room for shops and stores.
(Mammon must have the bestD
Plenty of room for the running sores
That rot in the city's breasti
Plenty of room for the lures that lead
The hearts OF our young astray
But never cent on a playground spent,
No, never place to play!
Plenty of room for schools and halls.
Plenty of room for art;
Plenty of room for teas and balls.
Platform, stage and mart.
Proud is the city-she finds a place
For many fad today,
But she's more than blind IL she fails to find
A place for the boys to play
Give them a chance for innocent sport,
Give them a chance for fun
Better a playground plot than court
And Jail when the harm is done!
Give them chance-if you stint them now,
Tomorrow you'll have to pay
larger bill for a darker i'll,
So give them place to play!
Denis A. Mccarthy, in the Journal of
Education.
Los Angeles herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1900-1911, 1909-03-20
CONCERNING YOUR MAIL

Does it go astray?
No doubt the fault is yours.
Uncle Sam is out with instructions.
It's all set down on postal-card
circular.
He says last year over $4,000. 900
were lost.
All these epistolary derelicts were
wrecked in the addresses.
1t seems impossible that so many
persons address mail so careessly.
1t also seems that the great bulk of
the letters written must be of little
importance.
The circular advises the use of ink
in addressing mail; it might also advise
ink that will not run If it becomes
damp.
Unnecessary to relate, the name,
number, street, postoffice and state
should be plainly written, and the
sender's name and address in upper
left-hand corner, which facilitates the
return of mail which cannot be de-
livered.
Los Angeles herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1900-1911, 1909-03-20

in himself. But the man who asserts
himself, believes he can do the thing
he undertakes, creates confidence; and
the employer is looking for the man
who has program and who believes
he can carry it out. He is looking for
results and men who can achieve them.
The fine-grained, sensitive youth feels
that it is immodest, unbecoming to
push his way forward, to attract atten-
ton to his ability, to tell what he can
do; but while he is waiting for the
world to discover his merit and help
him on, the aggressive boy beside him
has pushed his way to the position
above him.-Orison SWEET Marden in
Success Magazine
Los Angeles herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1900-1911, 1909-03-20

m HERE are so many pretty styles
for children that can be effectively
Il made from inexpensive materials
that it seems pity mob to make
up a number of these little frocks that
can be frequently Numbered. The de-
sign offered is one of the simplest. The
front and back portion is pleated and
Joined to the plain body which Joining
is concealed under belt that is point
ed at the ends and buttons over on to
the front and back panels. The front
is simple and easy to make, 1t only
being necessary to exercise care In
marking and basting the pleats. This
properly attended to, the result can
not help but be satisfactory The
seams should be made in the ordinary
way and overcast by hand. 1t will be
well to allow a good deep hem in order
to provide for frightening the frock
should it become necessary. The shield
can be of the same or contrasting ma
terial. If a plaid, stripe or plain goods
be employed the shield could be of
tucked batiste or lawn. A white cross
bar dimity made after this model had
Los Angeles herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1900-1911, 1909-03-20

WE often hear 1t said that, Il d
w youth has ability. people will
find 1t out without being told;
that IL he has merit, 1t will come out;
but we see on every hand young men
and women with splendid ability, with
good education and fine training, out of
situations, or in very ordinary ones,
simply because they lack that agrees
siveness which pushes its way to the
front. They are conscious that they
have ability, and they are just wait
ing for somebody to recognize 1t and
Dllsh them ahead.
Los Angeles herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1900-1911, 1909-03-20
MENU, SATURDAY, MARCH 20
Breakfast

Breakfast
Steamed prunes. with cream
Tomato omelet
Potato cakes
Whole wheat mullins
Spring onions
Coffee, tea.
Luncheon
Flaked fish, cream sauce
Lunch rolls
flashed potatoes
Celery salad
Cake, with liquid sauce
Tea, cocoa.
Dinner
Onion soup
Broiled outlets, parsley butter g
Riced potatoes
Steamed cabbage
Satisfy, cream sauce
Salad of cucumbers
Peach short cake with sauce
Coffee, cheese.
s,<S
S$S>I>Ds<s<GSe%
Los Angeles herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1900-1911, 1909-03-20
HOW DID YOU DIE?

Did you tackle that trouble that came your
way
With resolute heart, and cheerful?
Or hide your face from the light of day,
With craven soul and fearful?
Oh troubles a ton, or troubles an ounce,
or a trouble is what you make it;
And 1t isn't the fact that you're hurt that
counts,
But oniy-how did you take 1t?
And though you be done to the death, what
them
II you battled the best you could,
If you played your part in the world of men,
Why the Critic will call it good.
Death comes with a crawl or comes with a
pounce
And whether he's slow spry
1t isn't the fact that you're dead that counts
But oniy-how hid you die?
Edmund Vance Cooke.
You are beaten to earth? Well, we'll what's
that?
Come up with a smiling face.
It's nothing against you to fall down nat,
But to lie there-that's disgrace.
The harder you're thrown, why the higher
you'll bounce
Be proud of your black eye.
It isn't the fact that you're licked that counts;
It's how did you highland why?
Los Angeles herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1900-1911, 1909-03-20
VOTES FOR WOMEN

Women standing in a row.
Waiting for a chance to vote;
So unladylike, of course:
Point like this you ought to note.
Women in their homes should stay,
Tend their babies, bake the bread,
Keep their houses nice and clean.
Who would care to vote instead?
IT Is proper-yes of course;
Women standing in line
Waiting for their turn to pay
Gas bills. when I'M paying mine.
Sometimes I am sure 'tis true
That a woman really may
Stand In line with even men,
When her taxes are to pay.
But to stand in line to votes
Men and women in a row.
Waiting turns. why that's for them
Most unladylike, you know.
Frank Fair.
Los Angeles herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1900-1911, 1909-03-20
First Aid

The fiance of a Louisville girl mas
been spending the winter in Florida in
connection with his fathers business
interests in that quarter.
marie" said the girl to a friend the
other day, "Walter has just sent me
the dearest little alligator from
Tlorida!"
s'Dear mel" rejoined Marie, with af-
fected enthusiasm. "And how shall
you keep him?"
''I'm not quite certain" was the re-
ply, ''but I've put him in Florida
water till 1 can hear further from
Walter. "-Harpers Weekly.
Los Angeles herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1900-1911, 1909-03-20
LITTLE BOY is INJURED
CLIMBING IRON FENCE
Frightened by Janitor He Slips, and
Sharp Picket Penetrates His
Left Breast

Alexander Rose, years old. 1876
North Bunker Hill avenue, received
deep wound in the left breast yester-
day afternoon while attempting to
climb over the picket fence around the
normal school building. The boy was
going through the grounds when the
janitor yelled to him that he could not
cross, and the youngster in his haste
slipped as he was getting over the
fence, and one of the iron pickets pene-
trated his flesh.
Ten stitches were taken in the
wound at the receiving hospital and
he was sent to his home.
Los Angeles herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1900-1911, 1909-03-20
Points of Difference

Eyes" said the bride of three short
months. II had made up my mind to
remain in the spinster class, then John
appeared upon the scene and l ac-
cepted him because he was so unlike
other men,"
"Oh. of course, he's different" re-
Joined the envious lady friend. HE
proposed. '-Chicago News.
Los Angeles herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1900-1911, 1909-03-20
STRAY BITS OF HUM0R
In the VILLAGE

Postmaster-That feller's a mean
skunk, an a liar.
Villager-Gee! What makes we think
so?
Postmaster-Sent card through tn
mail, an writ on it, THAT 'rubberneck-
in postmaster IL read this, so l can't
say all l want ter" An l make it
rule not ter read 'em.-Cleveland
Leader.
Los Angeles herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1900-1911, 1909-03-20
Often the Case

MY wife believes that what is to be
will be-
"Well?"
'And she believes it will be all my
fault"-Louisville Courier-Journal.
Los Angeles herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1900-1911, 1909-03-20
A Pair

"Lilxe father, like son." said the
Knowing One.
sIn what way were they alike?"
asked the Curious One.
First, the old man, when the boy
was a child, tried to break his sons
will. Now the son is trying to break
the old mans" ILLUSTRATED Bits.
Los Angeles herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1900-1911, 1909-03-20
Kind of Her

The Caller-I called in answer to yer
adj fer a first class cook, Mum.
The Lady (eager)-And you want the
position?
The Caller-Not at prisint, mum.
There's three other parties ahead iv
yez, but I'll accept a three-months'
option on the job without any consid-
eration.-Puck.
Los Angeles herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1900-1911, 1909-03-20
Cause for Inclination

Mrs. Smith Qndignantly)-Here the
tin pan your boy Willie tied to my
dogs tail this morning.
Mrs. Jones (after seeing pan)-And
I'm going to give him good whipping.
That's my best pan.
Los Angeles herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1900-1911, 1909-03-20
A Younu Diplomat

Mother-There were two apples in
the cupboard, Tommy, and now there
is only one How's that?
Tommy (who sees no way OF es-
cape)-Well, ma, it was so dark in
there 1 didn't see the other.
Los Angeles herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1900-1911, 1909-03-20
A Nasty One

Ethel-Jack simply raved over my
figure and my complexion.
Maud-And is he still in the asylum?
Boston Transcript
Los Angeles herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1900-1911, 1909-03-20
An Anchor to. Windward

Jeweler-You say the inscription you
wish engraved on the inside of this
ring is to be, "Marcellus to Irene?"
Young Man somewhat embarrassed)
Yes, that's right But-er-dont cut
the Irene" very deep.
Los Angeles herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1900-1911, 1909-03-20
Thrift

Customer-Please. mister. I can't remember
what ma sent me for, but you give me two
cents worth of peppermint candy, cause she
said could keep the change.-Century.
Los Angeles herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1900-1911, 1909-03-20

Mrs Boggs-Mr Meekman is a splendid ex-
annie of what a man ought to be-
Mr. Boggs-Not on your life. He's a splen-
did example OF what wife, two sisters, a
grown-up daughter and mother-in-law think
a man ought to be.-Puek.
Los Angeles herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1900-1911, 1909-03-20
lie WE HAD The TIME

II 7 had the time to find place,
And sit me down full face to face
With my better self. that cannot show
In my daily life that rushes so,
1t might be then 1 would see my soul
Was stumbling still toward the shining goal
I might be moved by the thought sublime
If 1 had the time!
II had the time to let my heart
Speak out and take in my life a part,
To look about and to stretch hand
To a comrade quartered in no-luck land
o God! IL 1 might but just sit still
And hear the note of the whippoorwilL
think that my wish with Gods would
rhyme,
II had the time!
If had the time to learn from you
How much for comfort my word could do,
And 1 told you then of my sudden WILL
To kiss your feet when did you i'll!
II the tears abacl of the GOODNESS feigned
Could flow, and the wrong be quite ex-
planned
Brothers, the souls of us all would chime
II we had the time!
Richard Burton.