davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
New-York tribune., 1909-02-07

SYDNEY SMITH was the ministerial VII pr
- excellence. but unhappily his tests were So
admira ble that they are now twice told tales
indeed However. most of them will bear
repetition.
Before the first Bishop Of New Zealand LETT
England, Sydney Smith strove % remind him
OF the dangers Of his mission You VIII t:nd
IN preaching to cannibals," he said that
their attention viii not be directed % the spirit.
but always be concentrated on the flesh Tor
am told that they never breakfast without
cold missionary on the sIdeboard We shall
never meet agaIn. but let Us hope that you may
thoroughly disagree with the savage who eats
YOU"
You are afraid of me" said Smith 2,
Young woman who sat beside him at dinner
You crumble your bread. and that Is an url-
deniable proof Of shyness. I do It when I SIT
by the Bishop Of London. and with both hands
when l sit by the Archbishop
Why are YOU doing that said he .
child who was stroking the she'll OF . turtle
" Oh. to please the turtle. was the answer
" Why. child. YOU might as well stroke the
dome of Saint Paul's to please the dean and
chapter"
New-York tribune., 1909-02-07
Refused TO Be a Knave

4 WELL known English clergyman always
refused to play cards When demonstrated
with for his want of soC1abillty. he replied.
do not play cards. for one reason only It takes
four knaves to play game. and l refuse % be
one of them"
Archbishop Tillotsou had q similar horror Of
knaves; for one day he met SIR John Trevor.
who for some misdeneanors had been expelled
from Parliament Il hate 70 see an atheist
IN the shape Of a Churchman. SIT John
exclaimed. And l." the good Bishop re-
Joined, hate 70 see q knave IT any shape
More eccentric than witty, perhaps Wa
the Rev. Daniel Burgess. who. observing only
"A small congregation assembled one day
suddenly exclaimed. Fire, Fire Fire '"-
Where Where Where" shouted the
people. astonished and alarmed Al his words
In hell he responded. To burn such
wrctchcs as regard not the glad t,it0g- %; the
gospel
One instance when "a witty ccc,--Ia,tIc u--
his match Is recorded Of David iarrlck The
Rev. Laurence Sternc, who wa~ not a brilliant
example OF "a loving husband met HIM one dav
and SAID IN . sentimental way. The husband
who behaves unkiudlv u his w;te deserves .,
have his house burnt over his head ''-' II
You think so. SAID GarriJk doubtless glad O,
get even with Stcrne tor once. Il hope yout
house l. insured.
New-York tribune., 1909-02-07
Why from Adam Rib

WTHY Eve was made from the TIb ot Adam
" has been explained by a witty sage Of Old
If she had been created from his mouth. she
would have talked too much; II from his feet
She would have gone about too much. II from
his ears she would have listened too readily
but she was made from a rib. which Il near the
heart to show that She must always be dear
to man
An English preacher II the seventeenth
century spoke in similar fashion when he SAID
with the text To be or not % be" that
woman should be ike and unlike three things
She should be like snail, always keep within
her own house. but not ike a snail to carry al
she had on her back She should be Ike
echo. to speak when she was spoken to. but
not like an echo. always to have the last word.
She should be like a town clock. always keep
time and regularity. but not like q town clock.
to speak SO loud that al the town might hear
her.
A preacher IN the reign OF Charles II. was .
receive ten pounds II IN his sermon at the
funeral of Madam CrcSwell he said nothing but
we'll Of her. She was rather a bad character
and herself had dictated the clause N her viii
So, after q general address on mortality. he
thus concluded. ' By the VIII OF a deceased sis
ter. II Is expected that | should mention her
and say nothing but what was well of her. All
that | shall say of her, therefore. Is this She
was born well. she lived well, and she died
well; for She was born with the name Creswel.
she lived IN Clerkenwen. and she died III Bride
well "
New-York tribune., 1909-02-07
By Abram S. Isaacs

THE cleric VIII at al times By Abrar
be found a good raCDrteur
and quick to crack a joke, with
It's sharp ,ting t,,. If necessary OF course when
the lester Is a ruler, one must be satisfied with
his humOr at all hazards. as was the audience
of the faithful whom d Moslern ruler spoke =
one Friday from the pulpit in the market place.
People. what shall | preach to YOU about
to-dav,''-" We do not know" they replied.
Well If you don't know. l shall not tell YOU,
and down he came from the pulpit. There was
no sermon that Sabbath.
The next week the old inquiry made,
and the people rejolned " We know when
the royal preacher said, " If YOU know, You do
not need me 70 tell YOU And again an abrupt
close to the services.
The third week the people were more wary.
and replied, Some of US know and some do
not know" And now they expected 70 trap the
man, but he was wiser than they thought
" Let those who know tell those who do not
know" came his utteranCe, and the people
were trapped instead.
New-York tribune., 1909-02-07
CLERIC AL II u M O R

said Hall. and left him u ms
thoughts
When at breakfast al ms
New-York tribune., 1909-02-07
OXYGEN AND MUSHROOMS

one of the Government eNpert- att4.l-i g.
- the Department of Agriculture describe
ID singular way ot removing oxygen from the
AR 10y the aii of q plant
Inside d glass bell-lar, -r.e pcui-i over water.
D. placed "a mushroom ami sunlight o. allowed
t, fall ou the plant The mushroom abso-s-
the oxygen from the arr IN the lar. and the
,lrhouiy asii formed during tt- process is
absorbed by tine water which gradually rises
Iu the Jar 10 uuc-hth nt It's hcIght The mush-
room now drIc- up but ITS animation Is only
suspended. as may hc proved 10y Introducing
beside 1T q green plant. when lt NIL again htgtu
e. vcgrtate. being upurshei 10y the Oxygen
eNh4IcI from the fresh plant
New-York tribune., 1909-02-07

THE cleric VIII at all times
L be found a good raconteur
,,5 gr,,i,T- .. fr4rL- "a I,L-e VII n
New-York tribune., 1909-02-07
Heard in the Mosque

IT must have been an Arab cleric or q holy
man who, passing mosque, heard an uT =
pleasant voice reCItlng the Koran. How rnuch
Is thy monthly allowance the sage inquired
"An0wance," replied the reader. Why, /
get nothing WHY. then" the sage asked,
"dost thou take all this labor on thySelf =
60 read" came the rcjoinder, for the sake ot
God -" Well" the sage answered. for Gods
sake don't read any morel
In the "Gulistan are other illustrations OF
clerical wit: but what could be more Sug-
gestive than the following2
A reader IN q mosque had 50 bad an accent
that his master the chief sage, SAID. My good
young man. We have several old men who
receive five dInars monthly for their services
| viii give thee ten dInars to 60 elsewhere. lie
went away, but soon returned Why dldst
thou send me away2" he said to the sage In
the place to which | went theynow desire that |
shall take twenty dInars and go away; but l
have not consented '-" Don't accept. the
sage rejoined. for after awhile they may
offer thee fifty.
Rabbinical wit Is d vital element III the
cussonS of the sages and appealing to the peo-
pie with magic power. when dry diSqulsltIonS
and homihes without such spice would have
driven the people away
\ preacher IN those Dlien DAYS noticed that
his audience seemed to be asleep despite his
eloquenCe Once" he cried. - there was q
Jewcss who had SIX hundred thousand chtl-
dreu The people We're all wide awake now,
and demanded to know the wOman'S name
" Tochabcd," was the response. " Was not her
son Moses equal to SIX hundred thousand who
came from Egypt2" There was no lack OF
attention for the rest of the sermon.
An English abbi asked by his congrega-
ton If there was any weighty reason against
having a clock in the synagogue. By no
means" was the reply " Have your clock.
but put it outside the building, and then YOU
can tell how late YOU come 10 the service
Two rabbis were passing the beautiful Syna-
gogue IN which one of them otfIciated. How
envy youi" said the first. e You must be IN a
paradise -" Hold, friendl" the second eX-
claimed. In the original paradise there was
only one serpent; but IN this congregation
are many of them
New-York tribune., 1909-02-07

home . visiting divine prayed that the L0T4
would open his mouth wider than ever
Hall. whose mouth was rather large, told the
visitor that It could not be well done Unless
II was slit from ear to ear.
Shiner gazette. [volume] (Shiner, Tex.) 1893-current, 1909-09-09

A LIST of Confederate pension
ers is to be published in pamphlet
form. 1t will be valuable in en-
aiding the veterans to locate old
comrades and furnish evidence
to enable other veterans to obtain
pensions.
Shiner gazette. [volume] (Shiner, Tex.) 1893-current, 1909-09-09

CANYON CITY is to have the
Texas Normal School. The city
has given 100000 toward erect
ing the building and a choice Of
seven forty-acre tracts of land
for a site. This is enterprise of
the right kind and that city will
prosper.
Shiner gazette. [volume] (Shiner, Tex.) 1893-current, 1909-09-09

THE attorney general rules
that all banks taking advantage
of the guarantee laws must take
out licenses at once, but same
will not be effective till January
1, 1910. Another case of paying
in advance.
Shiner gazette. [volume] (Shiner, Tex.) 1893-current, 1909-09-09

THE Farmers Union of Texas
have again contracted with Gal
weston cotton brokers to handle
the cotton for the Union mem
bers. They will advance from
$35 to $45 per bale, according to
the market price Of the staple,
OF the time of receipt of same.
Shiner gazette. [volume] (Shiner, Tex.) 1893-current, 1909-09-09

THE cotton crop condition on
August rs has been placed at
68.7 per cent. by the crop report
ing board of the Department Of
Agriculture, This represents
the lowest condition figures OH
record for this period Of the year
Shiner gazette. [volume] (Shiner, Tex.) 1893-current, 1909-09-09

THE vital statistics for the
month Of July in Texas, show
1897 binths and 1853 deaths.
219 deaths occurred from typhoid
fever. The typhoid cases are
said to be caused by the flies.
Out Of &C cases of typhoid only
10 cases were reported from
screened horses
Shiner gazette. [volume] (Shiner, Tex.) 1893-current, 1909-09-09
and means a shortage of 100000
bales for the world S supply.

THE Steamship Lusitania has
again broken the record for fast
time between New York and
Queenstown, making the trip in
five days. We will soon be maxi
ing it in one day by the air fight
route.
Shiner gazette. [volume] (Shiner, Tex.) 1893-current, 1909-09-09
Fair
SAN ANTONIO. TEXAS
Nov. 6 to ~, 1909
Notice, Farnersl

| have several carloads of fine
Jersey cattle of different ages
for sale at reasonable prices. 1t
will pay intending buyers to look
at these cattle, as they can be
bought at half price now to what
they will be worth year later;
also some fine Berkshire hogs Of
all ages and sexes.
Respectfully, H. e. 0LLEs
Flatonia, Texas.
Shiner gazette. [volume] (Shiner, Tex.) 1893-current, 1909-09-09

= GENERAL SAM HoUsToN's old
homestead at Huntsville is to be
purchased by the state and added
to the Sam Houston Normal
grounds. A just tribute to the
liberator of Texas.
Shiner gazette. [volume] (Shiner, Tex.) 1893-current, 1909-09-09

TEXAS is a great state. Rail
road Magnate Hartman is hay-
ing Texas granite transported
all the way to Arden in the State
Of New York, to be used in build
ing his new palace home.
Shiner gazette. [volume] (Shiner, Tex.) 1893-current, 1909-09-09

DIR. FREDERICK Cook, the dis
coverer of the North Pole, once
lived in Texas. Texas turns out
a large number of the great men
of the world.
Shiner gazette. [volume] (Shiner, Tex.) 1893-current, 1909-09-09

ANOTHER epidemic of murder
and suicide seems to have struck
the country. Every day we read
accounts of one or the other.
Shiner gazette. [volume] (Shiner, Tex.) 1893-current, 1909-09-09

The report comes from Dallas
that the European spinners are
aooding the Texas market with
orders for cotton.
Shiner gazette. [volume] (Shiner, Tex.) 1893-current, 1909-09-09

A CAR load of supplies has
reached Montery,1 Mex, shipped
from San Antonio for the flood
sufferers.
Shiner gazette. [volume] (Shiner, Tex.) 1893-current, 1909-09-09

DIR. Cox's Painless Blister.
Guaranteed to blister without
pain Or your money refunded.
For sale by all druggists,
Shiner gazette. [volume] (Shiner, Tex.) 1893-current, 1909-09-09

prosper.
The Hays free press. [volume] (Hays, Kan.) 1908-1924, 1909-06-19

Miss Oshant has lady friend, Miss
Cassin of Salina, visiting her.
Mrs Harvey Penny has been in Iowa
this week attending a wedding.
Mr.. and Mrs. ChrisssWise have bought
a piano for their daughter Arbutus.
For whips. repairs, good harness or
other harness stuff come to EARLY's
Store. So If
Mr.. Hiss went to Great Bend Monday
and accompanied Mrs. Hiss and children
home. They have been visiting Mr..
Hiss mother at that place and her
mother at Newton.
Handsome cards have been received
here of the gradu :tion exercises at he
celebrated 'ESmith College" at North
hampton, Mass, where Mss LenOre
Monroe, formerly of this city, is one of
the gradustes.
The Hays free press. [volume] (Hays, Kan.) 1908-1924, 1909-06-19
Mss Sutton spent Tuesday evening

MISS Sutton spent Tuesday evening
in Ellis.
Carl McKeen of Russell spent Sunday
evening in Hays.
Mrs. ~Cowan and son Delhert returned
Sunday morning from their visit to
Abilene.
Miss Leona Thompeon Of Ellis was
the guest of Miss Carrie Bullock Sun
day.
Miss Lucy Snyder and Frank Motz
are expected home Sunday from their
school work at K. u.
The two dead cows which floated
down the east .ide draw Sunday were
buried by the railroad section men.
The Misses Lydia and Ida Samuelson.
who are attending Normal here, spent
Saturday and Sunday at their home in
Ellis.
Remember all harness at the EARLY
store are home made, no machinery
deal, so is sure to be the best to wear.
Come zee. So If
Heavy rains in the west are badly
delaying the trains this week. It is
either caused by soft track or washouts
of culverts and bridges.
The rain still keeps coming. We
had another during Monday night.
Now that it has commenced the clouds
seem full to overfiowinR.
The frame of the new cottage of Mr..
and Mrs. C. N. Wagner looms up in the
southeast part of town, near the Grin
nell residence, adding another new
home to our growing city.
John O'Laughlin is now occupying
his new garage building back of the
Farley Drug store. He went to K. c.
Tuesday night to buy more autos. See
his new advertisement in this issue.
The hail season is here and
your wheat is not safely garner
ed. Don't take any chances of
loss but go at once to Fred Mil
Ter and get a policy that will in
demnify you against loss.
Don't fail TO read the new Early ad.
They ask share Of your patronage.
That and the big railroad advertise
ment again crowds our columns to
overfowing. and several have called to
pay their subscriptions. Enanks.
The Hays free press. [volume] (Hays, Kan.) 1908-1924, 1909-06-19

Some misinformed parties have cir
culated the report that the Hail Insur-
ance Company which / am representing
in this County is not reliable and that
the parties insuring with me will loose
their money In the event of a hailstorm.
am happy to say that some Of the
best people in the county have intrust-
ed their business to me in spite of
these false reports. / represent none
bnt antitrust companies, both fire and
hail: The people composing these
companies are straightforward. honor
able, gentlemen and require the same
characteristics of their agents. ! quote
as follows from letter received this
week from the treasurer OF the com
pany:
Whoever eirculates the report that
we will not pay out is not telling the
truth. In the first place they do not
know anything about it, and in the
second place, unless we have great
many more losses than we have nOR
sustained, we could pay them TEN
TIMES OVER. Does this look
like busted company to you?
The trouble with the socalled old line
companies has been, that they have
failed TO take any notice of losses of
less than five per cent, and have also
failed to make proper adjustment when
greater losses have occurred. The
company which / represent will give
you an absolutely fair and impartial
adjustment Of any loss you sustain and
protect your crops from the moment
the applicatian is signed in my office.
Even If the company were only able to
pay eighty per cent Of it's losses, this
with the fair adjustment which you
will receive will insure you better
treatment than b II sufferers have been
receiving at the hand of the old COM
pany.
If you have any business IN my line
come in and see me. ! will treat you
right. My motto is Satisfaction to
my customers"
Respectfully,
J. NJ. SCHAEFER,
Loans and Insurance.
The Hays free press. [volume] (Hays, Kan.) 1908-1924, 1909-06-19
Rlce-KaN.

In the presence of the relatives and
a few intimate friends Mr. ]. Alva
Kell of Hays was united in marriage to
Miss Gertrude Bice, daughter Of Mr.
and Mrs. Frank Bice. The ceremony
was performed at the home Of the
brides parents Tuesday evening, June
Is, at eight O'Clock, Rev. A. N. Smith
of the Methodist church officiating.
There young people are well known to
all Hays having been leaders in Normal
life for some yea1s> MIR. KelNreceiVed
his life. diploma at the last commence
ment, the bride recently completed q
most successful term Of teaching in the
PlainviIle schools. The young people
will be at home to their many town and
school friends in the cottage in the
southeast part Of town, and . multi
tude will unite in wishing them long
and joyous journey for the future.
Among the out-Of- town guests were
Mr.. and Mrs. Green and Mrs. Park
hurst Of Plainville.
The Hays free press. [volume] (Hays, Kan.) 1908-1924, 1909-06-19

The largest railway company
in this country has recently bor-
rowed fifty million dollars on it's
bonds from the people of France.
THIS is REMARKABLE, owing to
the large loans recently made by
the same people to the Russian
Government and elsewhere in
Europe. WHERE DO THE PEOPLE
OF FRANCE GET ALL THIS MONEY?
John D. Rockefeller, just return
ed from Paris, tells the secret in
seven words, viz: THE PEOPLE
OF FRANCE RAVE THEIR MONEY.
The Hays free press. [volume] (Hays, Kan.) 1908-1924, 1909-06-19


The good, careful farmer in
sures his wheat crop for the
ordinary season, but this year
the wheat price is exceedingly
high and every farmer should
insure his wheat this year. Do
not delay this matter but come
In, write in or phone In, for a
policy in the Old Reliable North
western. This Is an Old Line
Company that has been in the
field for years, and they have
always paid their losses IN FUI1.
promptly, before the wheat is
cut, and at once when the loss Is
adjusted. Cal en
". 7 MADDEN. Hays. Kan.
The Hays free press. [volume] (Hays, Kan.) 1908-1924, 1909-06-19

Mrs. LOcky Scott and son Of Kansas
City are expected here Saturday for a
visit.
Mrs. Fred Miller visited Salina on
Monday to attend the wedding of a
relative there.
Mrs. Gay and daughter, after visit
here with relatives, returned to their
home in Russell Monday.
Tom Hiskey. who was with the Land
Once 20 long, has resigned and gone
into private business at Colby.
Tom Ryan is home on a couple weeks
vacation. He is much pleased with his
new home and work in ColOradO
Springs.
Last Sunday Rev. A. N. Smith occu-
pied the pulpit Of the Ellis Methodist
church and Rev. Bowen Of that church
came here to take Mr.. Smiths place.
A terrific rain and hail storm Sunday
morning In this neighborhood broke
naRny windows and destroyed fruit and
garden, while many farmers who had
prospects OF fine wheat crop were
hailed out completely.
Misses Lizzie, Kathryn and Marie
Gassman. sisters of Nick Gassman of
our city, returned to their home in st.
Mary's on Monday after pleasant
visit here, In their round Of parties,
visiting and social gatherings. Miss
Marie is an excellent pianist.
A was expected the dirt dam at the
Normal school was washed out by the
high water last week and the 1S0 stu
dents here to the summer Normal are
deprived the pleasure Of boating on our
creek, one Of the big advantages Of our
school. The cement dam should have
been built last year or this spring but
it is ordered built some time this year.
The Hays free press. [volume] (Hays, Kan.) 1908-1924, 1909-06-19
Did it hit youa

If not come in and let us in
sure you. Hail insurance is a
business proposition. The fac
tory man insures his boiler
against explosion, Every bust
4ess has its kind of insurance.
Why should the farmer not be
protected against the most dis
Nstrous form of loss-the hail
starm? Come in to-day and let
~ insure your wheat. Time will
be given II, desired. Don't you
think it Is better to be safe than
sorry? Every policy is paid in
full.
FIRST NATIONAL BANK,
Hays, Kansas.
The Hays free press. [volume] (Hays, Kan.) 1908-1924, 1909-06-19
Hail Locals.

The heavy hail storms will knock the
sale of autos this summer among our
farmers.
The north end of town feels much
elated that they escaped the hail storm
on Sunday.
Trees and bushes that looked lovely
last Saturday were badly stripped of
leaves by I'll e Sunday hail storm,
At the Philip hardware store on Nor
day they sold over 200 window lights
to replace those broken by the Sunday
hail.
The hail destroyed many of the beau
tiful flowers around town, but the yard
of Mrs. Penny escaped and still makes
pretty showing.
A careful investigation shows that
very few of the farmers who were hit
by the hail were insured, so some of
the loses are very heavy.
Our town was sad one on Monday,
so many of the farmers coming in and
reporting all their wheat destroyed.
Many had counted on making improve
ments, but now all such plans are put
off for another year.
The hail storm on Sunday seems to
have started in east Trego county and
come all across this county, taking 9
scope about seven miles wide mostly
south of the track, destroying many
thousands Of acres of wheat with loss
to the farmers of over 500, 600 Many
lost every acre of growing grain
Even our big wheat raisers Oshant.
Penny, Wsnn, johnson and others were
very heavy losers.
The Hays free press. [volume] (Hays, Kan.) 1908-1924, 1909-06-19

We are now ready to in
sare your wheat in good, reliable
old line cemrsnies that n axe lib
eral adjustments, and paws when
the losses are adjusted, and in
full. Come in and insure. Do
not wait until the hail has de-
stroyed your wheat.
FIRST NATIONAL BANK.
The Hays free press. [volume] (Hays, Kan.) 1908-1924, 1909-06-19
sale stock.

will have horses, mares and mules
for sale at my earral west of the Bap-
tist church this Saturday June 19. ALI
good, sound, servicable stock. All
broke ready for work. S5-2t
JOHN OsLAUGHLN.
The Hays free press. [volume] (Hays, Kan.) 1908-1924, 1909-06-19

Two gray horses, also one bay
mare with a colt and one black
mare with a colt, have strayed
from my farm on the Smokey.
Anyone learning of their where
ab0uts please notify
FRANK MEsERvE.
The Hays free press. [volume] (Hays, Kan.) 1908-1924, 1909-06-19
earrGs6e = HH1On.ObEIe
Painffn6.

Now is the time to have your Buggy,
Carriage, wagon or automobile painted
first elass style at WestbrOok . sAOp.
The Hays free press. [volume] (Hays, Kan.) 1908-1924, 1909-06-19

WOULD IT NOT BE WE'LL
FOR YOU TO BEGIN SAVING
NOW? This strong Bank will
welcome your account. Nothing
would suit us better than to have
five thousand working people de-
posting their checks with us
every month, leaving a part of
their wages constantly accumu-
late. Make the start to-day by
coming in and talking over your
interests with our cashier.
FIRST NATIONAL BANK
Of Hays City Kansas.
The Hays free press. [volume] (Hays, Kan.) 1908-1924, 1909-06-19

Teachers ExanaEnaffOn
A public examination for teachers
will be held at the school house at
Hays Friday and Saturday June 25th
and 26th, 1909.
ANTHONY KUHN. Co. Supt.
The Hays free press. [volume] (Hays, Kan.) 1908-1924, 1909-06-19
At Work Again

This week Nick Gassman bot
back his shoe shop and is
again Der Liddle Shoemaker"
and wants you to give him a
share of your patronage. All
work guaranteed.