The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1909-11-24
A TELEGRAPH JOKER.
He Knew What the Crowd Want
ed and Delivered the Goods.
ELECTION RETURNS TO SUIT.

Time Of Their Lives.
A funny incident happened on the
night OF the national election Of 1896
IN u little camp tucked away in the
mountains Of southwestern Colorado.
where the only means Of quick COM
munication with the world e a sin.
gle uncertain telegraph wire and a sim
gle more uncertain telegraph operator.
Naturally only the merest scraps of
election news reached the camp. but
before the certain news of McKinley's
election could have been got the uncer.
tain operator had fallen a victim to his
favorite vice and. further. had fallen
beneath the table.
The only other person who knew any
thing about telegraphy was Shorty"
the local wit and humorist, who volun.
teered to write out the election returns
as they clicked OF from the telegraph
instrument. Political sentiment was
af1ame for Bryan. News Of his election
was nc only sought. but demanded, for
the average American miner is as san
guine concerning the uncertainties of
politics as be is concerning the uncer-
tainties of mining. The volunteer teleg-
rapher was noted for an obliging dis
position. He was the genial" of the
camp.
The boys" had placed stores OF
giant powder at various points. They
had cleaned aud oiled their six shoot
ers and retilled their cartridge belts.
Bonf1res were ready to be lighted IN
the hillSide>. and natural enthusiasm
had been stimulated at the Metro
pole. the Cosmopolitan. the Fashion.
the Tr"cadpro and less pretentiously
named cases in the desert of mining
camp exist-nce-in fact, every pre-
liminary to the grandest celebration
the San Juan country ever had known.
Shorty was not the man to neglect
an opportunity like that. The first
bulletin he handed to the waiting
crowd stated that New York and In
diana were in doubt and it looked like
a close election. with the chances ia
voring Bryan. That whetted the
crowds keen appetite for returns to
razor edge. The second bulletin ent
their spirits up with a leap. Bryan
has carried Kansas. and the Demo-
Gratis are claiming Iowa."
"Whoopee:". from the crowd.
Shorty bent his ear to the clicking
sounder and inscribed Bulletin No. g.
Illinois joins the Bryan column with
$4,000 majority. Indiana certain. New
York very close"
When the deafening chorus had died
down a young member of the party
asked the leader. Hadn't we better
begin to set off the giant?"
Before the leader could answer
Shorty reproved him by word and
look. Don't go off half cooked" he
said. ITS always best to wait until
you are sure. You can't be too con-
sentative in a case like this"
After a long pause. in which the
crowd displayed much Impotence, the
imperturbable and conservative Shorty
transcribed bulletin No. 4. but before
passing it out be said:
Nov. boys. don't do anything rash.
Wait for the actual returns"
Bulletin No. 4 read. Senator Jones
claims Ohio and Pennsylvania for Bry-
an"
Under ordinary circumstances a
doubt might have been expressed con-
corning the probability Of such states
reversing their political records. but
the crowd was convinced of ar i'm
pending landslide for their favorite
and yelled with delight. Nov we are
beginning to get the news" remarked
Shorty when the cheering ceased. and
he began to write bulletin No. 5 as
follows:
New York gives Bryan 100000 plu.
rality; Indiana. 10000. Returns from
Wisconsin and Minnesota indicate
large Democratic gains"
The crowd heard only the first sen
tence Shouting. cheering. yelling.
screaming. it broke for the street.
Hold on" called Shorty. Heres
another"
Bulletin No. +. Quay comedies Penn
syivania to Bryan"
Another fragment broke from the
crowd and a down the street shout
ing the news. The new operators pen.
Gil was travelling rapidly over the pa
per. while his friends and fellow citi
zens crowded closely upon him and
read as he wrote bulletin No. I, MARI
Hanna has locked up Republican head
quarters and gone home"
The oar of the crowd was drowned
by the oar Of exploding giant powder.
Buildings shook. windows ratified. ac-
companied by the crash Of broken
glass. The celebration was on. and
Shorty Mcintyre was alone.
The celebration lasted for two days.
The morning after election the regular
| operator had recovered sufficiently to
transcribe messages announcing Nc
| Kinley's victory. Those who were
sober enough to understand them
| didn't believe them. After severa!
warnings of what would happen to
| him II be didn't quit trying to fool