The Birmingham age-herald., 1909-11-14
JONES WORE ARMOR
 TO GET FLESH OFF Graphic Story of How He Suc-
 Ceeded With Plan WEIGHED 300 POUNDS
But Brought Himself Down to Near What the Tables Said Was His Right Welght-Landlady
 Tries Remedy.

From the Boston Herald.
 What hill and what a climb 1t was from the village up to the university buildings at Cornell. And yet tradition Is that the daily climb developed the legs backs and lungs of the students and resulted. with the aid of Charley Court ney's training, in their acquatic victo- ries.
 Jones morally was an invertebrate. Physically he was 5 feet in height and weighed 300 pounds. His landlady was a stout, vain, forgetful woman with that rare trait in woman, unsuitable curiosity. But, my, what shortcake and pies she could makel It is said the gods recom- pense the lowly with some special gift. Hers was a genius of pastry, and Jones' it's circumvallation.
 Jones was in the course of mechanic arts and was knackful He was perti- nacious in all things except restrictive diet. What the apple was to Adam, pastry was to Jones.
 He studied the life insurance tables and found his proper weight for his height was 40 pounds. Jones knew some mathematics Six tarts equalled one pie. One Jones invariably was equal to two pies Hence one Jones in tarts was the equivalent fthe figure 12 However. when 1t came to real, human figures Jones was immense!
 Recalled Hamlet's Wish.
 The problem that faced him was how to dispose of the difference between his actual weight, 300 pounds, and his prop CT weight. 140 pounds, that is, of l6O pounds. Jones believed in propriety. Hamlet's wish was his wish. And with pertinacity born of desperation he pro posed to find the easy way, the royal road to Thindom.
 I first met Jones on a sizzling day in June. He was tacking up the hill like a wide beamed Dutch lugger with red sails rolling up wave, with porpoises blowing all around, or a ton of lard painted red with blue hoops. My,3 how the blue of his veins stood out he was an aristocrat all right!
 He stopped for breath. I commiserated. He waved me aside, panting, Solved, solved"
 With wonderful ingenuity he had con structed a hollow figure of steel that fitted his entire figure like a knights armor, head, body, arms. legs, feet and hands, closely, with joints corresponding. as far as every possible moron was con cerned in every particular with his joints. This figure he suspended by a steel rod from a beam in the ceiling of his room, so that the figure hung erect, with it's feet about a tarts width from the floor. The figure and all it's parts could move on it's ball and socket joints in all dlrec- tions. and was operated by an electric motor. It was made to open in halves, so that it could be opened entered by Jones, closed and there he would be snugly encased in tight fitting suit of steel, suspended from the selling.
 Motor Gets to Work,
 When the motor was started the steel figure, with Jones within, would make every movement known to Swedish gym nastics, Jones. of course without effort on his part, necessarily making the same movements Rapidly his head would shake emphatic noes or bob assenting yeas. Two quick, wicked jabs with his left, duck for that cross counter with his right Look out, for it's a rough and tumble, the Marquis of Queensburys rules don't go Look out for his knee in your paunch or quick trip from that left foot and then hook on the jaw
 Its football now. Oh, what a kickoff
 The movements are slower, how digni- fled his gesturesi He must be address ing a meeting of the students. He is supporting the resolution, see his right arm extended, salm up, slowly rising Mo- for the ell1w bends, the hand ap- breaches his mouth. Imaginary pie
 The device was a success for In one months time Jones dropped 40 pounds and continued to lose weight rapidly and as his weight decreased his amatory increased, and his attentions to the thin spinster next door, much to his stout ladyships chagrin, became the gossip of the neighborhood For she ad- mired Jones with intensity deep and fruity as one of her bottomless cher ry pies. And how well he looked, with clothes reefed in complexion tawny. eyes so clear But with ais trim appear ance came a dislike of all things fatty He gave vent to audible expression of this dislike, to the anguish of the fieshy one. But the ingenuity of woman in love, what cannot it accomplish?
 Landlady Tried 1t.
 One day Jones took the spinster on 0 boating excursion down. the lake, and his landlady seized the opportunity. She commenced the treatment. entered the machine, started the motor. and was off on the Shake of Death, for she did not fit. It would go. but would not stop! All day long, while Jones was enjoying the companionship and perhaps, caresses of the thin spinster from next door, the victim of a too intense passion was being shaken to death in the clasp of the heartless demon.
 To die for love in deed of daring, to die for love in quiet calm. how noble, in- spring, self-satisfying, But to die trapped in steel. shaken. yanked and banged, a thrice horrible dungeon death. How pitiable. How dreadful. A Tarta- rean death!
 And what an awakening for Jones. on his return from his toying. cooing ex- cursion of love. No more tarts or pies for him. Instead, the coroner, foul ac- cusation, suspicion, and, in terror, mys- terous flight. a strange disappearance.
 Years afterwards when in command of a scientific expedition, our caravan pass ing near T<horassan. in an oasis, cool and calm in the desert, I saw, heath the shade of the luxurious date palm trees, sitting by a gushing spring amid the evidently a sheik for riding the wind from bamboo pole was his oriflamme the device-a suit of armor ram pant. and embazoned with the words:
 "In hoe signo spes mea.'
 There he sat surrounding by thin, dusky women. and harked back to col