The Ketchikan miner., 1909-02-06
A Cranky Widow.

E>~<>~><>~~/N~> (Copyright, 1908, by T. c. McClure,l Uncle Ben Williams held that wid- ows should marry only widowers for a second term of matrimony. He also had to keep a book account of the widowers.
 There came a day when Uncle Ben had to add his own name to the list of widowers His good wife passed away and left him alone. He grieved for a few months and then started In on his work again. He was rather forced to. He got track of widow who had given out that she would never marry again. She had heard of Uncle Ben and had given out that she defied him. He still wore his en- blem of mourning as he drove over to see her. He found her perfectly sat isfied with her situation. Death had claimed a husband so lazy that he hated to turn over in bed, and she didn't propose to take further chances. Uncle Ben brought out his statistics. They ran back 400 years and applied to every nation. They proved beyond controversy that there was only one constitutionally lazy man out of every 500 of the male population. Thus the widow might remarry 499 times and run no risk. She then put 1t that her late lanIented had the appetite of horse and shook the walls of the house at night with his snorings. There were statistics to prove that this state of affairs was to be found in | America only in one case out of thousand and then when the moon was in her third quarter. Whatever excuse the widow brought forward Uncle Ben successfully controverted, and at length she gave him big piece of apple pie and glass of cider and gently turned him out of doors. But he wouldn't stay out. Within month he was back to plead the cause of certain widower. He had the mans history down in writing, and he had his tintype. The widower didn't snore, be was a hustler, he was good natured. he didn't swear at his oxen, he built the kitchen fire in the morning, he had a farm of so many acres, and be was the owner of so many horses, cattle, hogs and sheep, with a spotted calf thrown in to make good bargain. The widow shook her head and said nay, however. She had sixty acres of her land in turnips, and she felt that 1t was go- ing to be a great year for that vege- table.
 Uncle Ben came again with wid- over that bad once seen the widow driving along the highway and had fallen in love with her He had only five children; he never refused his wife calico dress or pair of shoes; he never indulged in remarks when his meals were not ready; if the cellar needed whitewashing he did the work himself; if a tin pan leaked he could mend 1t, and if the churn dasher broke he could make another from a broom stick within ten minutes. The widow gave this man ten minutes thought and then shook her head. Hay was selling for $20 q ton, and she would have thirty tons to sell.
 He brought Nos. 4, and G. and he brought tintypes, photographs and memoranda. He drank cider while enumerating their many virtues, and he ate apple, peach and huchleber- ry pie between statistics. AS one candidate after another was presented and his claims set forth Uncle Ben saw that the widow softened bit. She turned them all down, but this softening encouraged him to go ahead. In his own mind he thought her q bit particular-even cranky-for turning down a farmer blind ill one eye, a lightning rod man with game leg and a wire fence man with hump on his back, but he did not say so. He knew that if he kept on long enough and could find candidates enough the widow was bound to give ill. He didn't neglect his farm work altogeth- CT, but he kept an eye out for the right sort of candidate. He thought he had him in No. :. He brought the widow CT to the house and let him sit in the buggy at the gate while he went in to do the talking.
 .'There he is, widder," he said, with an air of confidence. "Take q look at him from the winder. Forty-eight years old, ill good health and not blemish on him. Don't swear, chaw terbacker nor drink. Never gifts mad and allus willin' for his wife to go to town. Got five children, and they are little angels. Only takes an hour to scrub one up so that you want to kiss him. Big farm, keeps hired gal, lives well and bound to make you happy for the rest of your life. When 1 add that his late wife left four pairs of almost new shoes behind her you can see what kind of man he is. Shall holler to him to cOIne iny"
 No, you needn't hOller," quietly re- piled the widow. ,r
 But what's tile matterY
 .A slant marry him"