The Caucasian. (Clinton, N.C.) 188?-1913, 1909-05-06


legged Cause.
Correspondence of The Caucasian
Enterprise.)
Dublin. Ireland. May 8. 1903.
America IL a great country,
reckon" sd my friend, Mike o'Hoo
ley, az We wuZ sittin' talkin' In.
other mite; "an' I hev a crate mind
ter go over thar some time an. Ioot
erround a bit"
Come over" seq I, "an' git a l,tt,s
taste ov life that would be the rea,
thing. We kin give you more ex.
sltement in one day than you'd xii
In Ireland In twelve months, an I'm
not sayin' a word ergin Ireland
either, fer Ireland liz sawl wool an
a yard wide,' az our college perfes.
sers say when they wish ter round
up a big endowment"
Il reckon the people over In
America hev lot ov liberty and gel
guide wages" sed Mike.
Sure az Christmas they do" sez
L, or at any rate they did, In the
gude old days. Why I kin remem-
Der erway back some years ergo
when the preachers, the teachers an
the politicians awl told the people
In the United States that they could
and must, do az they please erbout
everything; an the newspapers went
uFif
weekly ter the effect that the Amert-
can citizen who did not do az he
pleased orter be compelled to do 80
by law an suggested heavy fines an
imprisonment in case any citizen
rallied in the slightest manner"
But, alas! times hev changed, Az
L lntlmated in my speech at the opry
mouse the other mite, a guide manv
sections ov the United States air
now in the bands ov the trusts. the
prohlbltlonists an the might rid
ers. So far az I know they liz no
connection between these three dis
turDnl' factions an they each operate
on different lines, but they make a
pretty thorough job ov whatever
they undertake, an hit takes hard
sleddin' ter git through the lines. -
Why don't they pass laws ergin
EN- IN your national Congress an in
your State Legislatures? seq Mike.
Il thought laws wuz your long suit
over in America"
They air." sez I. Paper liz not
very heavy, but each and livery law
ysr~fn the United States nez from
four to six tons oy law books In hiz
offs, SO many, in fact, that few ov
them know any law. Bat If you pay
EN- enough they will climb I'D on a
step-ladder an sarch fer Vol. 3.Ol2
revised statutes, an report next
month, requirin' several weeks ter
look up amendments, decisions, an
other contraptions. or course we
hev a few guide lawyers in America.
By practicin', guessin' some ov them
kin keep cool an tell you the differ
ence between a chattel mortgage an
tax receipt. Why, 1 hev known ov
cases rite in my State whar lawyers
would git ter argyfyin' durin' a term
ov court a ter which wuz constitu-
tional, the words "pro" or "con".
They would argyfy an shake their
fists at each other so fierceIy that a
member ov the jury would hev heart
failure, an the judge would become
exhausted an fall asleep, an when
he'd finally wake up he'd hev ter
fine hisself twenty dollars fer goin'
ter sleep on the bench. Frequently
our American courts git balled up
that way an can't purseed at awl.
They hev ter wait till the Legislature
meets an repeals the Objectionable
portion ov the law, an then hit often
happens that the Legislature IL too
drunk, too ignorant or too careless
to make a guide job ov hit, and hit
leaves section or subsection ov the
law hangin' by mere thread, an
hit causes no end ov trouble. In
some cases they hev ter wake up
the judges ov the Supreme Court an
ak them ter git tergether an declare
the thing null and void or non COM
postmentis, before the wheels ov
progress will revolve at awl.
But lawyers air jist like farmers
an merchants an other people-they
air pretty guide fellows az long as
they keep out ov politicks, an, ov
couse, some of them air better
than othes. Then, too. some ov them
rnfnrn1 M har IL 4
they air very human
What erbout the trusts?" sed
Mike. ST guess they air rite con-
trary-like and do lot ov depre-
datin"
TRUSTS air very philanthropick, "
sez I. 'tThey rob Peter ter pay
Paul, an keep the odd change.
Some trusts will rob the publick at
both ends ov the line, an then, after
addin' up the profits fer the year, an
find that they look guide, that liz, big
they will give one per cent ov the
gains, say 100000 ter some college
to aid in the cause ov education
They awlso help out the churches an
tAC hoSpitdIS Oh THO VI pAdAdSCS
They git their pound of flesh an
give the bone, II hit be bony meat, to
some worthy cause. We hev In
America some six hundred trusts, an
they air gettin' up new ones every
day. Even some ov the farmers all
tryin' ter combat the trusts an the
spectators by formin' gigantici
trust. There liz some excuse fer this
doin' hit, too. But most ov 'em all