davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1909-04-27
Swearing at Large.

Dean Ramsay could not countenance
profanity, but he managed to tell In
his "reminiscences" some good stories
Of a weakness which afflicted many in
his time:
"a late Duke Of Athol had invited q
well known character, writer Of
Perth, to come up and meet him al
Dunkeld for the transaction Of some
business The duke mentioned the day
and hour when he should receive the
man Of law. who accordingly came
punctually at the appointed time and
place. But the duke had forgotten the
appointment and had gone to the hill,
from which he could not return for
some hours. A highlander present de
scribed the Perth writer's indignation
and his mode of showing 1t by most
elaborate course of swearing. But
whom did he swear atY was the in,
curry made of the narrator, who re.
piled. oh, he didna sweer at onything
particular, but just stude In ia middle
of ia road and swoor at large have
from a friend also an anecdote which
shows how entirely at one period the
practice of swearing had become ia.
miliar even to female ears when mixed
up with the intercourse Of social life
A sister had been speaking Of hes
brother as much addicted to this habit
Dor John sweers awful, and we try to
correct him, but she added In can
did and apologize tone, ma doubt II
is a great set AFT to conversation.
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1909-04-27
pruaIess Cure.

civilian, DEAR" feebly called the In
valid wife, who was supposed to be
nearing the end of her earthly career
Eyes, darling" answered the sorrow
ing husband. "What is itf'
"When / am gone" said she, Il feel
that for the sake of the motherless lit
tie ones you should marry again"
'Do you really think 1t would be
best. darlingT' asked the faithful VII
liam
Eyes. William, l really do" replied
the invalid. after reasonable length
of time you should seek the compan
ionship Of some good woman"
do you know, my DEAR" said the
husband, ''that you have lifted great
burden from my mindf Now. there Ii
that charming widow Jones across the
way. She has acted rather friendly
toward me ever since you were taken
III. OF course, dear, she could never
ill your place, but she is young, PLUMP
and pretty, and Pm sure she would %
her best to lessen my grief"
civilian Henry Brown exclaimed
the female whose days were supposed
to be numbered, as she partly raised
herself upon the pillow, IF you evel
dare install that redheaded, frecklt
faced. squirt eyed hussy in my shoes
Pll-Plp'- And then she tainted.
But the next day Mrs. Brown was
able to sit up, and two days later she
was downstairs York Times.
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1909-04-27
n. Heart Of The HalIstone,

If it were not for the countless tril-
lions OF dust particles that float sepa-
rately invisible in the atmosphere there
could be no raindrops, snow crystals
or hailstones. From perfectly dust
less atmosphere the moisture would de-
scend In ceaseless rain without drops.
The dust particles serve as nuclei
about which the vapor gathers. The
snow crystal is the most beautiful Gre
alton of the aerial moisture, and the
hailstone is the most extraordinary.
The heart OF every hailstone is tiny
atom Of dust Such an atom, with a
little moisture condensed about It, Is
the germ from which may grow hall
stone capable of telling a man or
smashing a window. But first it must
he caught up by current of air and
carried to the level of the lofty cirrus
Clouds five or six or even ten miles
high. Then, continually growing by
fresh accessions Of moisture. 1t begins
its plunge to the earth, spinning
through the clouds and flashing In the
sun like diamond bolt shot from a
rainbow
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1909-04-27

Just before the collection was taken
ND one Sunday morning negro clergy
man announced that certain brother
had forgotten to lock the door OF his
chicken house the night before, and, as
a result, in the morning he found that
most Of the fowls had disappeared.
doan' want to be pussonal, bredr'n," "
he added, "but hab my s'pieions as
to who stole dem chickens. also haD
reason TO b'lievin' dat If am right In
dose s'picions dat pusson won't put
any money in de plate which viii now
be passed around"
The result was a fine collection. Not
a single member Of the congregation
feigned sleep. After it was counted
the old parson came forward.
NOW, bredr'n," he said, II doan'
want your dinners to be spoilt by won
derin' where dat brudder lives who
doan' lock his chickens up at night,
Dat brudder doan' exist, nah friends
He was a parable gotten up TO pur-
pose Of finances"
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1909-04-27
The New Boarder.


what did you say your name wasT'
inquiries the landlady in hoarse whis-
per.
Camp"
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Mr..
Grant"
She waves you to a vacant chair.
The young lady on your right drops a
half bow. The young gentleman to
your left drops a pork chop. Thus,
umid covert sneers, supercilious glances
and general awkwardness, you take
your place among an alien people.
"a hash house Introduction always
, reminds me of minstrel show" de-
, clares the humorous boarder. BE
seated, gentlemen; know each other
and be acquainted"
Whereat you must smile.
"Chase the COW this way" continues
the humorous boarder in time honored
reference to the milk pitcher, whereat
you must guffaw.
You are always master of ceremo-
Mes" says a young lady boarder to
the humorous one. GAS for me, Pm
| too timid"
sWhy are you timid?''
''Oh, Pm so little!
Sweet goods come in small pack
ages"
$50 does poison"
Fine old repartee! After dinner you
ascend to your hall bedroom and Won
der If you will ever be at home in this
company. But you know you will.
Within a month you viii be lending
money to the humorous boarder and
perhaps have love affair started
| Puck.
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1909-04-27
That Was Different.

"You are the plaintiff in this case,
believer" said the counsel for the de-
Tense to Mr.. Ferry.
II am
"And you are suing Mr.. Train for
ten feet Of ground more than you
ownY'
But 1 own it. That's why I'm su,
ing for possession"
"You think your land extends ten
feet east on what Mr.. Train claims as
hisY'
eyes"
GLOW long have you claimed this ten
feetT'
ever since 1 had it surveyed two
years ago"
'sWhy did you not bring suit for ii
soonerY
81 was trying to obtain 1t amicably
without going to law"
"Mr. Ferry, SO recently as last De
cember you laid no claim to this ten
feet now in dispute"
whats thatY'
did you not one day last December
tell Mr.. Train that your ground came
only to the point which he claims as
his? Now. refresh your memory and
remember you are under oath. The
occasion refer to was on Tuesday
afternoon, and Mr.. MADDOX was pres
emit"
WELL" replied Ferry after q
thoughtful pause, ''that was when we
were shoveling the snow off our pave
ments. "-Detroit News
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1909-04-27
New Reportera Experience.

The reporter was not only young and
green at the business, but he was un-
married. He had covered district for
the first time with a man who knew
the ropes so well that he could have
gone over the ground and scented
news with his eyes shut
Not wishing to appear new at the
game, when the young man started out
on the second day, on coming out from
the magistrates hearings at one of
the police courts he clambered into the
patrol wagon as he had seen his guide
do on the day before and seated him
self beside half dozen prisoners who
were being taken to city hall for fur
Their examination. Suddenly remem-
bering that he had story to look up
a few squares away. he jumped out OF
the patrol wagon to the ground. Be
fore he could take step the police
man standing guard, who had never
laid eyes on him before, seized him
and pushed him roughly into his seat
again. The frightened boy started to
explain, but the patrolman, bent on the
stern exercise of duty, only added to
his terror by saying: up to the hall
for yours. This is the second time
your wife's sworn out that warrant
for desertion, and she's got a good
cause, l guess"
The police card, which the would be
reporter had not thought Of before, re-
lieved somewhat tense situation, and
in another minute he was on his way
to the scene Of a robbery in the street
above-Philadelph Ledger.
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1909-04-27
Old Time Salaries.

How often clerks and other employ
ees of big firms are heard to complain
Of the small salaries they receive! Yet
If they realized that Columbus drew
salary of only just over f66 a year
they would, perhaps, hesitate before
grumbling at their f100 or ESQ per an
mum. Prominent clergymen have re-
ceived as much as and more than tlO'-
600 a year, and yet John Knox only
got les. Sd. week, and that was 4s-
I'd. more than Scottish judges Of his
time. It must be confessed. however.
that at this period of small salaries
money went long way. For instance
a good Christmas dinner for family
of six during the sixteenth century
could be provided for an outlay OF
about eightpence halfpenny-London
Standard.
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1909-04-27
Redundant Particulars,

Cleveland people consider the name
of their town sufficient as an address
without the addition of Ohio, and one
protesting against the use of the name
of the state tells a story to Illustrate
the folly of redundant particulars. 1T
reminds me-" he said, "of the fussy
Englishman who went up to St. Peter
and said, Pm from London And
then, for fear the saint might mix him
up with somebody else, he added,
London, England, you know That
riled the good old gatekeeper. From
London, England, ehY he said Wen,
Mr.. Man from London, England, you're
knocking at the wrong door. Your
new address is Sheol, Birthstone coun-
ty, Dominion Of LuciferP Exchange
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1909-04-27
Not a Success.

The manager of the subscription
book department was telling of some
IF his experiences. ''The funniest case
remember" he said, was that Of an
applicant for job at book canvassing
from whom l expected great things.
he made a careful study Of the litera-
ture we supplied him with and was
very enthusiastic. Judge of my sur
prise when the first morning he went
out back he came and handed in his
resignation.
"'But you should not be SO easily
discouraged told him. Few make
success at the start, and you ac-
knowledge that you went into only
two places
"'Only two he said lugubriously
One was a real estate agent, who per
suaded me to sign contract for two
lots in Fizzlehurst, and the other was
tailor, who sold me a suit of clothes
didn't want And, shaking his head
mournfully, he mumbled Good day
and went out. "-Lippincott's.
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1909-04-27
tn. Gnu In the Zoo.

They've got a gnu in the zoo. It's a
new gnu. That is to say, no one ever
knew it there before. When 1t arrived
it had very little coat. Consequently
1t was in a state of gnudity; hence,
this new ditty we are composing on
the subject. But now 1t Is no longer
gnude. That new gnu knew some
thing and grew a new coat for the
cold weather. If some people knew
what that new Nubian gnu knew, they
would keep their hair on.-London
Scraps
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1909-04-27

HAnna Jane" he said, off you don't
believe me, If you can't trust me, I'm
willing to pass the rest of my Life
trying to make you-if you'll only give
me chance"
A wan little smile went over Anna
James face, but 1t was like the first
spring sunshine, and life and joy fol
lowed 1t.
"Anna Jane he began again.
Slow footsteps creaked over the hooi
Of the next room. The door opened
and Aunt Hulda, standing there, saw
the strange spectacle Of her niece In
the arms Of a stranger who seemed tc
have just been kissing her. Anna
James face was alight. She was nc
longer afraid of Aunt Hulda or Of
anything in the world. Her voice rang
out with a glad little cry:
"Oh, Aunt Hulda, Joe's comel Joe's
conner
But it was left for Joe to make the
necessary explanations.
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1909-04-27

"You ought to have called in bigger
audience, dear Kitty" she said in the
suave voice that always meant mis-
chief "But do tell me what the play
was. don't seem to recalP'-
"Of course you don't. belong to the
new school," Kitty said brightly. 1.-THE
new school exists, you know, to prove
that until it came nobody ever played
Shakespeare quite right. Maybe it's
because of my name, but I've always
felt that could give new rendering
Of Katharine, you know, in The Tam
ing of the Shrew' -
"She did do it and was most con-
yincing,' Douglas interrupted CRATE
fully. He had been going hot and cold,
wondering If there were any escape
from the valley of humiliation open
before them He knew that only by
miracle could the Ackroy tongues be
stopped
$50 convincingr he went on. II see
must marry her right away. Miss
Alicia, Miss Patricia, will you come to
the wedding? It's to be just three
weeks from now"
"You are wretch, an ingrate" Kit
ty said to him half an hour later when
the Ackroyds had reluctantly taken
themselves away. 81 saved you and in
doing it trapped myself beyond escape.
What punishment do you not deserve,
sir?"
Nothing short Of Imprisonment for
life" Douglas said kitty, darling,
you showed yourself a genius and a
heroine. In reward you shall go on
having your own way"
81 don't want it--except sometimes"
Kitty answered, racing away to kiss
the major and Mrs. Major and at last
to pet old Flossy's precious puppies.
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1909-04-27

compliment
"Well, Pm going to beat my record
this time. / am making the best mince
meat ever"
LET me taste it." pleaded Frank.
"All right. 1 wish you would and
tell me how you like it / can't bear
the taste Of it before it's baked"
She brought forth the mince meat,
which Frank proceeded to sample.
"Its prime, Alma. If were you
I'd put In a little more brandy and
bake a whole lot more. Pa said that
was what he liked about your pies
you were never stingy with the pies
or the brandy"
'Ill put in little more, then" said
Alma, going into the pantry.
AS soon as she was out of sight
Frank hastily took great case bottle
from his pocket and poured a good
quart of brandy into the mince meat
The empty bottle was back in his
pocket when Alma returned.
"Just a little more, Alma" he adj
vised as he stirred the mince meat
Alma baked her pies that afternoon
and carried them over to the Barnes
homestead.
Lets have one for supper" pro-
posed Mrs. Barnes. 'There'll be plen-
ty for tomorrow"
When she carried her husbands sup
per In to him she put a generous cut
of pie on his plate He promptly ate
a piece Of it.
20 Lordr' he calculated. '"Taste
this oncew
Mrs. Barnes did so and held up her
hands in horror. what extraya-
CANCER she said. TITS awful! Why,
pa, there's enough brandy in that
mince meat to last a good housekeeper
for year,
When she came out into the dining
room Ned was the picture Of disgust
II hope" he said sarcastically, that
you'll never hold Alma's cooking up
to me again. This isn't pie; it's a
drinkp'
When, in addition, the fiattered Alma
capped the climax by sending over at
least twice as many pies as the whole
assemblage could possibly eat her cup
of iniquity was full and overlooking
in the sight of Mrs. Barnes. Waste
and probability" said she. Anybody
can be a good cook with such extrava-
gance. I'll have no daughter like
that"
Ned carried the glad tidings to Jen-
ME that night
Alma never learned how her hopes
and plans had come to such sudden
shipwreck. No one ever did until a
year later, when Ned was told in con-
fdence by his young brother-in-law.
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1909-04-27
Died With Warm Feet.

Isaac OBarns, once pension commits
sioner in Boston, appointed by Presi-
dent Franklin Pierce, was known Tor
his terse and cutting sayings. 1t was
told Of him that he promised to sub
scribe for the erection of a Baptist
church on condition that they should
"baptize 'em In hot water"
It is of Mr.. O'Barns the story Is told
that when on his deathbed, or when
he thought he was dying and the doc
tor had pronounced his feet warm and
said that no one had ever died with
warm feet, the old gentleman inquired
in a whisper whether the doctor mad
forgotten the case of John Rogers.
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1909-04-27
skinny BOYS and chunky Girls.

In referring to thin boy 1t is all
right to call him skinny" but you
must call thin girl "spirituelle" II
means the same, but sounds better,
Never call any one but boy ''puny.
"puny" girl should be called frag-
ile." 1t sounds more like delicate
china. and all of that sex like to D,
compared to fine Dresden. A chunky
boy is all right, but girl has line
" rounded figure" A boy is "gawky,
but a girl displays "untutored grace"
-Atchison Globe.
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1909-04-27
Court Dwarfs.

Until about little more than CEN
fury ago dwarfs were frequently kept
as court toys. Records of them might
be multiplied almost indefinitely.
Bebe, the dwarf Of Stanislaus, king
of Poland, lived to be ninety years OF
age, dying In Paris in 1858, and is va
riously described as having measured
thirty-five inches and twenty-three
inches. Julia, niece Of Augustus, had
two dwarfs, each twenty-eight inches
In height, and Henrietta Maria had
two whose joint height was seven feet
two inches. The Emperor Augustus
had a dwarf named Lucius whose
height was two feet and weight sew
enteen pounds. The last court dwarf
In England was Coppernin, who be-
longed to the Princess of Wales, moth
er of George Ill.
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1909-04-27
Imnortance Of VoweIs.

Do you fully realize the Importance
of the vowel ''e" In English? The in
scription, OBSERVATION-DISCLOSURES
tstn," over the Decalogue In an Eng
lish country church puzzled people for
200 years. Pepper it properly with
"e's" and you may read, Preserve, ye
perfect men; ever keep these precepts
ten" Easy, isn't it?-Boston Globe.
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1909-04-27
In the Hands Of the Law.

An impecunious young lawyer re-
GENTLY received the following letter
from a tailor to whom he was in
debted:
Dear SIr-Kindly advise me by return
mail when 1 may expect a remittance
from you in settlement of my account
Yours truly. J. SNlPPEM.
The follower Of Blackstone immedi-
ately replied:
Dear Sir-I have your request for ad-
vice of a recent date and beg leave TO
say that, not having received any retain
sr from you, cannot act in the premises
Upon receipt Of your check for 500 shall
be very glad to look the matter up for
you and to acquaint you with the results
If my Investigations. 1 am. sir, with
great respect, your most obedient servant
BARCLAY B. COKE.
Success Magazine.
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1909-04-27
Mod..t Modarn Man.

Whatever may be said Of the modern
man. he cannot be said to be lacking In
modesty. While the ancients did their
utmost to prove that they issued from
the gods, we do our best to demon
strate that we have descended from
monkeys.-Paris Journal.
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1909-04-27
Merely Local.

Young Thomas, afflicted with green
apple pain in his midst, thus explained
his condition to his mother: Mother,
I've got an awful bad pain right IN
the middle Of my stomach, but the
rest of me feels flneg'-Lippincott's.
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1909-04-27
Quite Natural.

.That play had some very natural
touches"
@Drama of domestic life, eh?"
ayes; they had a new servant In
every scene, and the heroine was
brunette in act and blond In act
2.r-Louisville Courier-J Journal.
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1909-04-27

"No, boys; must go home tonight"
"WhyT
at is my wedding night"
"Poor fellow! Naturally you do not
feel like celebrating"
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1909-04-27
Needed Assistance

81 have a secret"
"What are you going to do with itT'
"Give it to you"
"Help, helpp
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1909-04-27

Leave MoOREsTOWN every 10 minutes ~ nut
from 6.42 until 1O.42 a. M; then every W min.
utes until 4.12 d. M; then every ID minutes IN,
til 9.42 D. M; then every 30 minutes until LIZ
o. M; then every hour as per night car
: Leave FERRY sos, 68s, sos. 6.Ss q. M; then u
every l5 minutes until 9.38 q. M; then every ~
minutes until 1888 p. M; then every 10 minutes
until 838 D. M; then every 30 minutes unLll
zoos D. M; then Hos and lZOS; tnen every
hour as per night car schedule
Leave MERCHANTVILLE every mlnute ~
from 5.S2 q. m. until OF a. M; then every ~
minutes until AT p. M; then every o minutes
until 8.27 p. M; then every IL minutes until
u.47 o. M; then as per night car scheduie.
Leave FERRY at sos and 5.S6 a. M; tnen
every 10 minutes until 5.5S a. M; then l. every
minutes until 8.58 a. M; then every ~ MIN
utes until S5S p. M; then every minutes /, III as
til7.5S D. M. then every 10 minutes until iAVo
midnight; then every hour as per night car
schedule.
NIGHT CAR-DAILY AND SUNDAY.
Leave Moorestown, 1.02. 202, 302 4.0z q. M.
Leave Ferry, *l.O8, EOS, 3OS, 4.O8 q. m.
sLast trip on Saturday nigh.
Connect with Mount Holly cars al StanWicA
avenue.
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1909-04-27
Something Wrong.

There goes Jenkins"
"Isn't bright, is her
'sWhy not?'
ST hear he is an honest alderman"
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1909-04-27

In this world one must be a little
too kind to be kind enough.-Mari-
vaux.
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1909-04-27
CAMDEN AND SUBURBAN RAILWAY co

sf' Stops only on signal or notice to Agent
or conductor to receive or discharge passen-
Evening star., 1909-07-11
A Hard Chase for Footwear

A Nd rare chase ne led us. through thickets one
would never venture into in cold blood for fear
Of face to face encounter with and charge By
rhino or buffalo bush thick often could not see
the length of gun barrel on any side of Once
our right and not ten feet from us heard the whis
tie of startled buffalo and threw up rifles for
snapshots (all we could do and that did not in
stead throw up our breakfasts was more luck than
self control.
But instantly brush began to Cras-l and hoofs to
thunder the rocky ground. fortunately at right
angles to our course. Had they come our way, We
50 tightly shut in BY thick bush that nothing
could have saved other of from a collision
that would make butting into freight train feel like
gentle bump. How many there never
knew; indeed neither of had even d glimpse Of
of them.
Within few hundred yards the spoor became dii
fcult to trace. for it by turns followed crossed
scores of other giraffe tracks; but, what with
sona drops of blood the ground sTlears
grass or bush, we managed to stick him. Finally
after two miles of killing pace. streaming with sweat
and racing afoot ahead of mates mot because
was faster but by their courtesy. | sighted him
through thicket Just he started off from brief
rest and gave him two shots hstore he again
got out of sight But. blowing like d fnist,er in the
Copyright By Eisn B-eoh-. .Broasoa