The Newark star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1909-1909, 1909-06-23
JUNE WEDDINGS
FILL CHAUFFEUR
WITH BUMPS, ETC.
Taxi Eliminates Oh Ways De-
yious of Giddy Young
Friends of Victims.
GETS OLD SHOES, RICE
AND THINGS FOR HIS
Philosophic Deductions Of the
Man Who Engineers the
Getaway Wagon.

Busy? No, not yet. I'm only rushed
between the hours of . a. m. and 2 a. m.
during the month of June. l was just
readin' an account of a quiet June we'd
ding. Ever see one? Neither did l..
All the weddings I ever attended In my
professional capacity were conducted
with the same silence and calm that
made the old Indian massacres such
sleep-producin' affairs for the early set
tiers"
1t was the taxicab chauffeur talking,
and the STAR man got busy with his
pencil.
And I've been to quite a few of
them this month, too" he continued.
THE taxi a taken the old cabs place
for weddings, because we can drive
silently up to the back door n take
the bride and bridegroom off while the
crowd is standing In the front hall
thinking up real devilish schemes. !
say we can. But do we? Echo answer
nix
After lodging around nine blocks or
so, and sliding up to the hired girls
entrance, one of them jolly jokers with
the gutta- percha think thing occupying
the space intended for his brain steps
Out from behind a tree and offers you a
dollar thirty-fve If you'll let him steal
the car, that same one thirty-fve benig
change from a two after buying the
white shirt which covers his manly
built-in chest,
why. a real wild appearing young
fellow came up to me the other night
who looked SO blame delicate I'll bet
he gets the Group every time he goes
out on a damp night without hts glasses
on, and says, in a voice that reminded
me of trickling waters, it was so sweet:
An xtravagan oner.
Hi, cabbie, I'll give you a half
dollar if you'll let us cut the bottom of
your cab out, so the bride. n bride
groom will fall through
How eursediy original | answered,
GREATNESS. Won't you give me a whole
dollar if | run the machine we my
self? The bride and bridegroom might
delay so long picking up the pieces for
souvenirs that Atlantic City would be
closed up and they'd have to stay in
Newark
Then when their thought-works
grasp the idea that their schemes will
not be put on the boards for an ex-
tended run they go back to the before
Adam joke of tying eight or nine million
old rags and tin cans on the machine.
And then. not being satisfied With 1.-The
aforementioned eight OF nine million
proofs of their untiring toll, they throw
old shoes at the pair; but, realizing
that they WON'T go through the back
Of the taxi and wanting to hit some
thing, / get it in the neck.
'No June wedding Is complete with
out at least one full and complete base
ball team with ten or twelve old shoes
apiece, and go per cent. of them hit me
on and around the ~hat-covered portion
of my body. III bet I've stopped over
a hundred shoes since June 1, and some
of 'em were coming pretty swift, even
If ] do say it myself.
Mfstook His Bumps.
why, a ~phrenologist fellow came
along the other night while i was wait
ing for a party, and, after examining
me, told me / had every bump known
to science. l could be a successful
brick-layer or stock broker, or could
make money writing poetry. When I
told him those Jumps were made by
June bugs he thought I'd been drink
Ing.
And rice? When / take my clothes
off to go to bed the room looks like the
open-door scene In Way Down East
and the floor reminds you of the beach
at Coney Island after a children's ex-
cursion. While my wife Is sweeping 1t
out next morning l go out and super
intend the cleaning of the taxi. Does
It need 1t? Why, there was almost q
riot among the ra~g-pickers in our Sec
ton for the privilege of taking h rags
and tin cans that were tied to the car.
But / settled that by letting a fellow
have 'em who assisted me home after
the last taxi drivers ball. I under
stand he's bought a piano on the in
stalment plan since the irst of the
nonth.
FAX Flowers for Souvenirs.
"You know that little vase full Of
flowers we always have in the inside Of