davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Newark star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1909-1909, 1909-06-01
The Humorlst, Sitting on the Goals,
Pays Penalty for HIS Sour Jokes
Excuses His Work by State
ment that the Public Was
Always Crying for 1t.

always had business In the office. Never
went to clubs" the professional humor-
ist explained eagerly, You see, there's
a difference. The point is that wiley
always calls up the office and finds
that hubby's been away hours. There's
where the joke comes in, See? She's
got him dead to rightss before he be-
gins his famous lie ~
His Majesty sighed YEARLY and at
length. You also-but what's the use.
Tell me, truthfully. why you inflicted
so many er-a-chestnutty samples
upon the suffering public, when you
knew that every curse that 1t cursed
brought II nearer to meh devilish
clutches? Answer, man that was
The professional humorist trembled.
Because. kind sir, the public was sad.
Times were hard. 1t needed cheering.
l was one of the chosen cheerers. Day
after day / toiled to amuse, just for
the sake of Tightening some ones bur-
den. He sighed soulfully, contemplate
ing with melancholy interest the
shriyeled appearance Of his hands,:
could l have a drink of water?, he
asked timidly.
I'VE serve only boiling water here.
Have some of that? You might as
well get used TO it, for you're here to
stay. You say you worked IN the in
terest Of the public. You lie. Your
only thought was to grind out enough
dope TO insure the appearance of your
thin little envelope from week to week.
Your only thought concerning each new
piece of hash was whether or not the
editor would pass it. Is this o sou
"N-no. indeed" cried the professional
humorist desperately. ".my soul was
in my work. truly. Let me go back and
I'll show you. Not one of thesold ones
The Copy-Boy's Revenge.
TOO late" doomed in basso profundo
from His Majesty. too late. Your
fate is this: Each day from now down
to most distant aeons of the future
shall YOU turn out one column of the
same old jokes. each day with new
twists. Moreover, when your column
is done you shall read 1t aloud II all Of
those who are here for robbing widows
and orphans. Thus shall they receive
most dire punishment as we'll as you.
Take him away. first to the caldron-he
a drink-then to the writer's
section, and -
AN let me run his copy all de rest o.
me days." cried the ex-copy boy, II
promis' ter keep him woikin'. homes I
do"
''Your wish is granted" condescend-
ed His Majesty. He held up his hand.
Now, all together" The assembled
imps threw back their heads and ut
terod in nerfect unisoH me of the most
difficult and complicated chortles in
their repertoire. Then, making a nice
little bed of pitchforks grouped closely
together. they placed the professional
humorist thereon. and bore him, groan-
ing, from the Presence.
His Majesty leaned back YEARLY.
Now bring on that leading comedian"
he slowly commanded. land have that
boy imp come and sit neal me. l
cheering"
The Newark star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1909-1909, 1909-06-01
Meets His Former Copyboy
Now Proud Of His Authority
and His Trident.
HE professional i

TH HE professional humorist had
been dead about eight hours.
He sat gioomiiy upon a pile Of
cinders, giving an occasional yowl as
an ember burst into fame. For a long
time nothing happened.
zone even gets used to cinders,'' he
reflected, "if only one can control ones
mental attitude sufficiently"
He cheered up and looked round. In
the distance d number of imps were
cavorting gaily before a bulletin which
recorded the names of souls as they
arrived. HIN. my friends are coming
fast. This isn't such a H-er-a
deuce of a place after an
Something prodded him below the
third rib. An imp. pitchfork in hand,
stood grinning before him.
Come on, an be quick. His ma.
jesty. me master. wants ter see yer
Amt yer boinin wit pleasure at d.
prospect? Git a move on, now
The fork began to work again. Sud
denly the imp paused.
why. as1I live, If 1t ain't me ole
fren' de joker. Don't yer remember do
boy wot AN yer copy7 / got ran ovei
one, but dis present blaze has got me
Wot? Say. ] aiwus knew dem jokes o.
yours would land you here. 1t aim
SO bad. homes. De ting is ter git on lie
rite side o. His Royal Cooker an git
a job. | did. an have de time O me
young life proddin' me enemies as dey
KUN down. Amt yer glad yer used ter
be good ter me?"
The Newark star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1909-1909, 1909-06-01

The professional humorist lodged a
hot slab Of pavement.
why, er, Of course. Tn glad. hui ter
me. Pete. do you ever get out. once
you're in?"
wait till l give me di' bolikal chortle.
OATS one o. de things yer has ter learn
The ex-copy boy threw back his head
and gave the correct article as described
by all reliable authorities.
Now, then. do yer get out? Does a
pig f1y? De same answer for both o.
yer. Didn't yer see de sign over de
door wen yer came in? II saws wen
yer land here yer done It's de only
home fer de fren'less w'ot amt sup
ported by pop'ler subscription. Aw.
wake up, man. Cheese It. dere's de Or
iginal hot brand before yer. Got yer
noive?"
The professional humorist advanced.
Sudden contact with a hot coal discon-
eerted him a little. you wished to see
me?' he asked politely, surreptitiously
rubbing the wounded sole on the in
step of the other foot.
His majesty looked amused. I'm
afraid you find 1t rather warm down
here he murmured alphabetically,
most of my guests complain on that
SCORE"
Not at all. not at ALL" the profes-
sional humorist hastily assured him,
anxious to please,
A frown planted itself between his
najesty's horns.
Don't you realize, man that was that
Just such remarks placed you here?'
sternly asked. Your record is be-
fore me- He held up a mighty parch-
lnent. I'll refresh your memory a
little. Your mission was to make men
You failed. for you made them
weep. YOU
Once Leading HumOrfst.
Il was always considered the lead
humorist OF my time" the profess
s.onal humorist interrupted. when
Year after year you turned out new
tx istings of the women's clothes joke,
The mother-in-law joke. the baseball
oy- with-the-dead : grandmother joke.
he Miss-Passe-and- Cholly- Golightly
oke. the sweet-young thing -and-the-
, d-cat joke. the bad-llttle- brother-tel-
'e joke. the stay-at-the- club-and-go-
tin1e-s-'
That last wasn't mine. My sports
The Newark star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1909-1909, 1909-06-01
DUR CT CORNER
SUMMER FASHIONS.
RVYrTH the hummer days come the
w changing of fashions. We de-

the summer lays come tne
w changing Of fashions. We de-
sert our sombre winter dress
and come forth In bright colors, pre-
pared for the season before us. Every
body sheds the winter dress. Yet all
these changes are artificial consist
merely of dyes n material of me-
chanical weaving. If we would admire
these changes on their appearance with
the seasons, o o you around among
the wild folk. Surprise upon surprise
will greet your eyes as you look upon
these creatures; birds n insects are
now dressed up in the most fantastic
and beautiful garments, and if some
Of them appear ugly to US, they are at
least natural, n doubtless admired by
their mates. The conditions among
animals in respect to their dress, as
compared to ourselves, are found more
often to be reversed, as we find the
males of most animals blossoming forth
in gorgeous display, while the female
will retain her modest wardrobe. This
having the dressmaker among animals
II best seen among birds. Look at the
peacock how magnificent and stately
Is h proudly struts along displaying
his grandeur.
The snow-white egret is another
specimen whose decorations are most
be admired at this time of the year,
when from his body a filmy, pure white
cloud of plumes trails along. putting to
shame the stiff millinery clusters OF
similar feathers on milady's bonnet.
Parrots, some tropical birds and many
others are decked will colors which
hold us almost spellbound, and mum
hers of them are provided with a most
convenient arrangement; a sort of
clothes cleaner made up of several
patches of downy feathers concealed by
the longer plumage which keeps or
growing all the year; but, instead of
getting longer, the end break up into
fne. oily powder, which works through
all the feathers and helps keep them
clean and in perfect condition. In some
animals, such as the deer and bears,
they present the most ragged and tat
tered appearance on changing their
clothes. One can grasp a handful of
hair from a deer, and the whole will
come out like thistledown, while under
meath is seen the sleek, short summer
coat.
with many animals the hairs have
a tendency to mat and cling together.
and when the creature runs along
i1laments flap behind until such time
when they drop off or come In contact
with some object which pulls them of.
OF course, the coats of hair of deer and
sin,ilar animals .all out with the mo-
tion of their bodies, or are brushed out
by bushes and twigs. The skin of
birds n animals comes Off In small
particles. The Skin of a snake is shed
The Newark star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1909-1909, 1909-06-01
NEWS FOR SHOPPERS
+++444+++4.4EE444444

Seamless art loom Wilton rugs in
oriental patterns are displayed in sew
eral sizes at Hahne & Co.'S. The prices
are ow.
At the w. Y. Snyder Company will
be found handsome covers of dark
green or blue canvas. to be worked in
Wallachian designs in silk
Quaint little bonnets for babies OF
white straw with wide brims, trimmed
with rosettes and fittings OF silk rib
bon, are shown at Lissner's.
Kimono cloth, in most attractive de-
signs, for making dressing sacQues and
kimonos, may be obtained cheaply al
L. Hamburger & Co.'S.
Sailor hats of soft, pliable straw.
with scoop brims and wide rowns ara
offered cheaply at L. S. Piaut & Co.'S.
At the David Straus store there IS a
sale Of habutai silk in white and sew
eral colors. This material is ideal for
making warm weather waists.
Rajah dust coats. in black. gray and
the atural color, well made. with
stitched seams and big buttons. are
shown at the Goerke Company's.
The Newark star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1909-1909, 1909-06-01
She Turned Him Down.

Dear Miss Doom.
I am a young nan of %. l went with
a girl for a year. then went away for
month. We co~rresponded most of M
time, but when I came home / received
a note from the girl. asking me TO call
no more. as she was keeping company
with another. 1 called, but was told
b was out. I can never be happy
without her. Please tell me what to do.
TURNED DOWN.
Accept your fate as n~onehalantly az
possible. In q short time you will see
that her rejection Of you was not such
a misfortune, after all. Even If you
did win her back again. you could never
be sure she cared for you.
The Newark star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1909-1909, 1909-06-01
Stern Mother.
My Dear Miss Doom:

MY lear Miss Doom.
L have a sister who loves a young
Italian very much. He has been in this
country since he was very young, is
we'll educated and a gentleman worth
knowing in every way. Ny mother
never speaks to him, or permits my
sister to let him call. She wants her 10
go with an American young man who
calls often. My sister is afraid to dis
obey her, yet she must love the Italian.
Sooner or later. my mother will force
her to marry the American. unless
something Is done. This is a serious
matter. Please help us. SISTER.
Tell your sister TO summon her cour-
age, go to her mother and explain that
she Is seriously in love with the Italian
and cannot think of marrying another.
she must make this fact very clear.
OF course, mother will be angry. but
h will probably relent when she sees
that there is nothing else to do.
The Newark star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1909-1909, 1909-06-01
3aAe q Sar\Y Roman WomeN
Swen 10 WvNc-dvvNAiNe
BY GUGLIELMO FERRER0.

- OR many centuries the Romans were waer-drinkers; little wine was
made in Italy. and that OF inferior quality; commonly lot ever n
= rich were won to drink 1t daily; many used it only as medicine
ing iuness.w onen we're never to dmn k it, For a long TIM any woman IN
Rome who used wine inspired a sense of repudon. At the lime of Polybius
ladies' were arowed to drink only . title passum: tbs U.s. sweetW wine
with raisins a kind of syrup About the women too much given to n
beverage of Dtonysus. terrifying stories wcre told. 1t a said for instance
that the wife Of Ignatius Mecenius was beaten to death by her husband
because IN secretly drank vine and that RUnulus had absdved u q
1t was told IN n word of Fabius PEtor who menuoned 1t IN his
annals. nat a Roman lady was condemned " b family tribunal to lie OF
becaus she had stolen from her husband tn kys to the wine cellar
ws said the Judge Dionysius col demned to the los Of Ter dover q
who. unknown to her husband, had drunk more than q good for her
story is n which show s that women began o be allowed to
use wine as a medhine-May McC1ure's.
The Newark star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1909-1909, 1909-06-01
Secret of Success on the Stage
BY HARRIET QUIMBY.

4 - T has onenb been said that good parts make good actors, but n 10 actor
81 car make a bad part good" said Helen Ware, as she welded the pow
der puff which impaired h desired paleness to the countenance Of
IA resoute Mrs Jefries t, in Charles Klens drama The Third Degree,
land 1t is true. OF course. the actor a do much fol- a play, by the sam
suunAion tn authorc can 10 much more for the actor There is not a single
artist o the stage today who. If called upon. Ito answer he Question WHO
apouId honestly and frankly answer TO what do vol contribute you success
would not be bound to say. I had q sreatp part, with great ines with gremt
atuatons n with h i'd of bod sta 81 management. good scenic surround
tngs: and. further. b reason Of open handed generosity o TIL part OF thu
produkdne manager tic spare n expense in order to make the production ade-
quate I vas afforded the opportunity o I making an IMPRESSION o. te audience
hat was remembered. One actor may play Hamlet better thar another
but actor "a play it 20 badly as to destroy the beauties Of the great me-
and situations provided by Shakespeare. A child can read his solnoquy Or the
ADVICE to the players, and h mar o r woman Of even restricted mental
sAtsinments would BE- forcedt to acknowledge III wealth of wisdom and the
Of language that Shakespeare conceived The author is the creator;
the aotorb nut the yitahzr-LesHes Weekly.
The Newark star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1909-1909, 1909-06-01

" Heart t RDWl@E. : g 4 q: ss:.
BY MARGERY doom

to talk TO YOU az he likes. Next time
he wakes sarcastic give him a brisk re-
tort. 1t wouid also be a good plan to
ACCEPT b attentions Of others, just
enough to make him Jealous. The idea
is 10 make him understand that. though
he has won your love. he must work to
keep il.
The Newark star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1909-1909, 1909-06-01

ing children sent in the neatest correct
answers and were awarded prizes:
IRENE ROBERTS. aged 8. 81 Ridge
wood avenue, Newark (book); EVE
LYN DUNN. aged IL. 201 Hickory
street, Orange Cbox of paints); BRYAN
PALMER. aged IL, 10s Central emu
Passaic ~(basebai); JOHN sTECHER,
aged ~. 463 South Tenth street, New
ark (game).
The Newark star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1909-1909, 1909-06-01

stir over the fire until it thickens: add
one spoonful OF butter rolled in -four.
Put In the tops of two lunches OF
asparagus, boiled tender, chopped hne
and seasoned. Fill the rolls or biscuit
with this mixture. put on the tops and
serve hot.
The Newark star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1909-1909, 1909-06-01
A Sarcastic Sweetheart.

DEdT MdrBery DOOM.
l am engaged to a young man who
says he loves me, but who auarrels
with me over every little thing. Things
are getting worse every day. He is
very sarcastic. and makes fun of me all
the time II I get angry he says ! do
not know how to take a joke. Please
ADVISE me. UNHAPPY.
Do not try too hard to please him.
Perhaps he has developed an idea that
the fact that you love him permits him
The Newark star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1909-1909, 1909-06-01
AMI THROW STRAIGHT.

Terrible. Terriblei What do you
think OF a girl anarchist throwing
bomb7~
Il think It would be apt to weed u
the other anarchists 10 the vicinity
answered the grim citizep.-Louisyi1f
Courier-Journal.
The Newark star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1909-1909, 1909-06-01
ASPARAGUS IN AMBUSH.

Scrape out the inside of eight or
nine rolls or large biscuits, and u off
tops to serve as covers. Set open in
the open oven to crisp. Heat two cups
or milk, pour upon four beaten eggs;
The Newark star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1909-1909, 1909-06-01
King Eduard First Heard
Patti in Mew York
BY ADELNA PATTI.

- ERHAPS the compliment which touched me most was that which his
Majesty King Edward. when Prince OF Wales paid me-. 1t IA at a
= dinner to the Duke of York and Princess May. just previous to their
MARRIAGE, the host being Alfred Rothschnd, M of my oldest friends. There
were man Royalties and distinguished persons present and | was chatting
away galy, when h prince to my SUR prise, proposed the health of his "hd
and valued friend, Nine Patti" He then went on to tell the company that he
had first heard m in New York, as Ion ago a 1850 in Martha" and ever
since then his own attendance at what he called my victories lin the realm II
onR were his pleasantest memories-From MY eminscences' June
Strand.
The Newark star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1909-1909, 1909-06-01
Who Guards the Ring.

Dear Marsery Doom.
Please tell who keeps the wedding
ring up to the minute it is placed on
the brides finger, the bridegroom or
best man. and oblige.
IGNORAMU5.
The best man has charge OF the ring
He is supposed to think Of everything
for the bridegroom on the wedding dag.
The Newark star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1909-1909, 1909-06-01

almost entire; the snake crawling out
of the mouth Of its discarded skin as
a finger is drawn out Of a glove.
So you see, we are little If any ahead
of the animal in many things, let alone
the change of fashion by seasons
The Newark star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1909-1909, 1909-06-01
THE PRIZE WINNERS.

The answer to last Tuesdays post
'flce puzzle was England. The follow
The Newark star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1909-1909, 1909-06-01

ST@ HIS young miss is playing with her blocks You will notice that eight
order you will find out the name of the little girl After yu have
found III answer fill out the coupon and sent it to Uncle ach Evening
STAR, Newark N. j
hav their choice II a ne baseball n OK of paints a good book, a penknfe
or any me OF several very fascinating games If the writing is not legible the
coupon viii b rejected. Uncle Jack will publish thu picture of any prize
WINE IN cares to send hin a photog raph Pmg-pong and tfntype pictures
cannot be- used
place a two-cent stamp on he envelope, to avoid deay at the postomce. The
Tuesday. June 8
The Newark star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1909-1909, 1909-06-01
AUNT MATTY'S MENU

wEDNESDAY-BRE AKFAST.
Bananas
Oatmeal with Cream
Tomato omelet Toast
Coffee
LUNCHEON.
Sliced ham Savoy potatoes
Peas Cucumbers
Peanut cookies Cocoa
DINNER
Boulion
Dreaded YEA chops
Baked potatoes Spinach
Tomato and lettuce salad
Stuffed prunes
Coffee.
THE MENU RECIPES.
savoy Potatoes.
Peel and slice sufficient potatoes to
make a pint. Place in a buttered bak-
ing dish: pour over them one 6
beaten in half cupfui of milk; add pep
per and salt and one teaspoon OF
chopped parsley. Cover n bake
twenty minutes; uncove and brown
Peanut Cookies
Cream one-half cup of butter with
a cup II sugay. add one wel-beaten
egg. cne-Qu&resr Of nour. stfted with
two lsvsl teespoons Of baking powder.
Add one oup a chspped peanuts Drop
spoonfuis rome distance apart and
prsss nat into cookies Bake in a
quick oven.
STUFFED Prunep-I
Steam large prunes until lplump. Re-
move The pits and m with 1~bndant and
chopped nuts with fine @hopped al
monds, or with cream cheeS rolled into
little baIIs.
The Newark star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1909-1909, 1909-06-01
Tasty Dishes Made from Eggs

y HERE are few single articles If food which, if it were to become su
denly understandable, would be so much missed as the humble egg II
food value is so great. Ii il SO generally liked M enters ipa u
Bismarck daily tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1881-1916, 1909-01-08
AMENDMENT.
Of Sherman Antitrust Law
viii Be Urged by National
Civic Federation in Next
Congress

New York, N. Y, Jan. THE i'm
portant announcement that it has ap-
pointed a committee to prepare the
draft of bill to be presented to
congress, as an amendment Of the
Sherman antitrust act, was made to-
night by the National Civic Fedora
ing the changes to be madentmaao
ton. No information was given re-
garding the changes to be made, but
they will probably be in line with
those suggested by Seth Low and
approved by President Roosevelt and
others during the last session of con-
gress.
No attempt, it is stated, will be
made to submit anything to the pres
ent congress-.
1t is proposed to prepare tenta-
tive draft as soon as a careful study
of the problems will permit. This
will then be submitted by the execu-
tive committee for suggestions from
various representative bodies in all
parts of the country and with the
aid of the comments thus received
the final draft of the bill to be sub
mitted will be prepared.
Bismarck daily tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1881-1916, 1909-01-08

congratulations to him upon his re-
appointment. II ...y.sS Il sse !. r. r.
After the appointment the members
OF the commission went over the
building with Mr.. slattery, checking
up the state properties and getting
things into shape for the ensuing
term VIZ ,,,: o.: ~ y.,-s 1. G: 4 ~
. The position Of superintendent Of
the capitol during the legislative term
is especially onerous and requires
much tact, perseverance and good
nature. There are demands for con-
veniences and assistance from all de-
partments and many from the legis-
lative assembly, and to discharge the
duties of the Office satisfactorily re.
quires an inexhaustible fund Of good
nature and hard work. e N $-. ..a,.
Bismarck daily tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1881-1916, 1909-01-08

cuffed and, under military escort, taken
to prison. The verdict is considered
compromise and no trouble is feared by
the authorities. y -. "5a&- IN H.