The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1909-01-14

These days the man who has the
best thermometer is the popular hero.
er, as he boards the morning car.
Why, l noticed our thermometer
good, reliable thermometer. that
wfen / left the house and. by George,
1t stood way down at . below"
The conductor and the passengers
look ndmiringly at Goldleaf, and Gold
leaf puffs out his ches and smiles con-
descendingly.
But Booter. h sho man, does not
admire. My Thermometer" says he,
selling upon the silence and emphasize
ing the my" Significantly: my
thermometer shows 6 below
Every one stops smiling at Goldleaf.
They are quite put out With him for
an imposter. One old. lady gets off the
car at the next corner and in doing
so treads heavily on his foot.
But Booter does not have long to
shine. for Filler, the cigar man just
round Fourth street way extinguished
low" he asks pityingly. Only : be-
low" Why. good heavens, mar. your
ears and nose and fingers ought to
tell you you silly. little one-lunged
thermometer doesn't know any more
about cold than a Cuban. Seven be-
o any idea how cold it really is?
MY thermometer-mN thermometer.
when l looked at 1T half an hour ago,
stood at exactly Is degrees below zero"
Filler Becomes Popular.
Whereupon Filler becomes the pop
Mlar hero. Goldleaf and Booter slip off
the car unobtrusiNely and are followed
with whitening glances of contempt.
Filler, all the rest of the way, has
man asks him over TO have a drink
and another offers him one of his own
cigars.
All of which goes to show that it is
not the 81 tested, guaranteed nathe-
lnatically hairtriggered thermometer
that is the best thermometer. FOUR
fine old conservative thermometer that
ts almost up to scientific work is not
the one. No, indeed. The thermometer
that gives the public satisfaction is the
emotional thermometer. The ,hermon-
etcr that the crowd stands around and
watched With simpering satisfaction
and applause ant tells itself about. is
the thermometer that, on the first
warm morning in June grabs itself by
the hair and gets emotional insanity
and goes up like a ~skyrocket OF the
cost of living, and at the first hint of
frost in the air o. u September day,
comes down like Il baby out of a 10
story window.
There is q thermometer for Nou; Il
good healthy satisfying THERMOMETERS.
that makes a man think he is getting
something for his money When his
nose feels like Il frosty window pain
and he remembers for the first time in
seven months that he has ears, he likes
to go out and look at such a thermon-
eter and applaud himself. He feels
satisfied with himself and quite pats
his nose and his ears OIL the back for
their intelligence n good common
sense.
Knows nv His Nose
There" says he, Il knew it was at
least 10 below. My ears and nose
don't feel like that for nothing. No.
stree: 1t takes a good deal to make
my nose and ears tingle. In warm
blooded, ] ann"
fed with himself ana has a good day
at the Office and in the evening, prob
ably brings his wife down to show
her the thermometer and ends by talk
ing her to the theater afterwards and
ending up with an oyster stew. And
as for the mar who owns the Their
mometer, he is a made man. All he
has to do is to stand around and look
chesty and see that no one gets hurt
IN the rush to and him money for his
cigars and magazines. 4
This natural and commendable de-
mand on the part of the public for q
good strong emotional thermometer
explains the deadly hatred that is
found everywhere for the weather hu-
reau man. Nowhere in the land can
anyone be found to lcve the weather
bureau man except the Oldest inhabi-
tant. The weather bureau man is the
friend of the oldest inllabitant: he has
been the making of the old Fellow. lloy
a young man cannot tell about the
weather away back in 80 when the
records We're not kept and weather is
q tradition and the especial property
or the Oldest inhabitant. A young
man has to contine himself to last
March or the fan before last. and then
mis- worst enemy or his best friend or
someone else fishes out the old files of
the paper and shows him the weather
bureau temperature for the very day
and the very hour of his miserable
immature prevarication. and makes
him feel like a fool, and costs him a
round of drinks or of chocolate. The
oldest lnllabitant can reach back into
the past and grab the wrinklcd, skinny
old weather Of 40 by the neck and
jerk it out and brandish IL about and
hit the youngsters over the head With
IL. ana nobody car do a thing.
Government Spells All.
In the same way the beastly old gov
repor comes in Just when a
Fellow is getting all excited and happy
over a big blued alcohol achin with
the advertisement OF Somebody's SOAP
on 1T and q temperature way down at
l6 below, and say that the mercury
at the minimum temperature for "a
hours was three above. There's your
government weather bureau for YOU.
Never In all its middle class, common
place. Unconditional stolid middle of the
road, never get excited, don't admit its
not cold or cold existence has it ever
been known to come up to a mans
FEELINGS. In the summer, when he is
gradually e%vaporating and whiting and
turning into a human stew, the gov
thermometer is simply mad
dening. it is as cool and %nonchnlant
and moderate. The government Their
lnolmeter was never known to melt n
collar In its life. The same way in
winter, when everybody is as cold as
stone, h government thermometer
never quite comes up, or, rather, down.
to expectations. This conduct on the
part of the before mentioned official
thermometer is due to the two stand
ard causes-here1ity and environment.
The government thermometer is sci
entffcally made. 1t is measured and
tested and guaged and tried in every
way until it is as nearly perfect as a
thermometer can be. In the second
place, it's location. away up in the pure
air ON TOW &c the F1lo.-1 t..,