davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-09-18
derson. the vicinity is plumb crowd

Sanderson, the vicinity Is plumb crowd
ed. Play ball!
much, but they goes ahead. And in
minute the mayor. which was sweating
free and continuous. pitching. he lets an
other ball come too near. and the short
horn hits 1t plumb free and enjoying
Gentlemen. but we was sad Gentle
men, there was excitement. The ball had
hit the trail for other parts and there
derson he was stumped and he didn't
know what to do. But just as this here
short horn which was on second came
near third, running swift and undignified.
Badly Smith, which was standing there
for our side, he lugged out his Colt and
began to spin the cylinder.
Gentlemen, 1t was remarkable: gentle
men, 1t was strange! This here short
horn which was running some. he pretty
near stopped He slowed down some.
And when he got to third he acted tired.
Seemed to have wore himself out. And
Badly he slides his Colt back in his pants
and smiles kind and agreeable.
Sort Of thought the dust might have
clogged her up he says. amiable and
discoursing. Just occurred to me to look
her over. Guess she's all right And the
game went on.
"well. sir. It came again. The mayor.
which had liquored regular and efficient
between innings, began to get Wild. and
he got the ball too near again. And the
short horn he hit It brisk and earnest.
and 1t went about two mile. And the
short horn on third he looked sort Of
pleading at Badly Smith and started to
run.
'Gentlemen. there was riot! Gentle
men, It sounded like tho Fourth Of Julyi
6AnH <tv%sape A~lk
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-09-18

again isn't going to break the store or
anything like that. But, then, too. l can
be the busiest and whoopingest Nttle class
A knocker that you ever heard knock In
all the days Of your life, and I'm Won
dering. even now, If any kind Of store
can afford to employ folks as salespeople
that send people like me out into the
wide. wide world with hull face-fuil O.
knocks to be distributed and unloaded
everywhere. on all hands. for the rest
of the Knockers period Of time on earth
I'm q crab. you see. as I told you IN
the first place.
"Well, q little while later I went into q
drug store to get q certain proprietary
quarter Of a century. and that is the
standard article of its kind the world
over.
IT told the young man with the lufny
wavy hair-he looked bored, too. when he
came to wait upon me, but couldn't help
that-what I wanted.
He dug around among the shelves and
brought me a bottle OF stun mace, or an
nounced by the label to be made. by the
drug shop for which the wavy-haired
young man worked. or protested to work.
Il
THAT I said civilly to the young
man. is not what I asked for
"'Same thing; on'y it's better he re-
piled. laconically.
That said. not yet exactly peeved
with this one. may we'll be. am not de-
nying it. But-er-you recall. I suppose,
what asked you to sell me. don't you?
Yep he said, just like that. 'on'y
you're lettin' 'em fool you. Just cause
that thing you want Is made in Ger
many isn't any sign that it's as good
as this thing we make ourselves. Fact
is
you've got the thing l asked for,
haven't you?'. I knew that he had. be-
cause I'd been buying it there for long
time.
"'Sure. we've got it, the wavy-haired
one replied but this is 20 cents cheaper
and there's more Of it in the bottle, and
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-09-18
A CUSTOMER DECIDES HE IS A CRAB

'Er-you're not angry with me or any
thing like that, are you. for coming along
here and interrupting your conversation
with the request to be shown some hand
kerchiefS?
I'm shown yuh han'kerchiefs. amt
uh? she raped at me. and then 1 left
the counter, being still peeved. and 1
heard the young woman with the many
puffs saying. or rather snorting, Fresh"
to the bunch she'd been talking with
when swung along. and left the store.
and, with the merciful assistance of heav-
en- and a few members Of the Marine
Corps, I'll never set foot within that
store again as long as I'm on top Of the
ground. I'm perfectly well aware that
my not setting foot within that store ever
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-09-18

it's got that Dutch article skinned of
the map, and
That being the case I said. starting
to withdraw myself from that counter.
too, you can send it to your grand
mother and get her expert opinion Of it,
you pink haired terrapin,' and, as I made
my way to the door L heard the luf1y
youth say to another clerk. Crouch!
meaning. of course. me. the crab. After
about fifteen years of dealing with that
block detour to save myself from the
temptation of ever buying another
nickels worth there. and I'll be there
with a regular quiver-full Of knocks for
that drug establishment right along until
cash in for the jaunt over the pig
divide. Question is. Can that store, for
the sake of employing fathead, who in
sists upon selling people stuff that they
haven't asked for and don't want and
won't have, instead of giving them the
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-09-18
Worth a Medal.

ct SEE Paderewski has been decorat-
ed again." said a Chicago compeer.
IF there were a society for the absent
minded now he'd have the grand cross.
"Paderewski once called on a Philadel-
phia lady in West Walnut street. The
lady's little daughter put an orange in
his coat pocket as he was leaving, and
in his unconventional. Bohemian way.
Paderewski decided to eat the orange on
the walk back to his hotel
"As he crossed Rittenhouse Square he
began to peel the fruit But while he
was peeling 1t a woman he knew glided
past in her motor car Paderewski salut-
ed with a sweeping bow, then gracefully
placed handful of orange peel on his
head and tossed his hat into a bed of
flowers
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-09-18

self ridiculous, you know. This Peary
chap has been mooching around trying to
find the north pole ever since-well. for
hundred years or SO. at least, and dye
think it's likely that he'd come back and
claim to've done anything like grabbing
the north pole II he hadn't done it,"
WELL said Mrs. Jobson. 1T certainly
seems mighty funny that he should come
along so soon after DR.. Cook appeared
and"
oh stop it. stop IT, broke in Mr.. job
son. Weren't you claiming only the other
thing? No use talking to a woman.
though. wish you'd let me read the
headlines Of this paper. anyhow. won't
your
A couple Of days later came Peary's
message by wireless that DR.. Cook hadn't
done no such thing as discover the
north pole.
Huh! That kind of message shows
Peary up for what he u.s." declared Mr.
Jobson with decided emphasis Hes
behaving like spanked kid. that's how
he's behaving. But he's got the big head.
like nearly all the naval officers that ever
I met. Well. these fellows that do big
things. or that say they do big things.
are petty lot when you scratch 'em
little beneath the petit
Maybe" suggested Mrs. Jobson.
"Peary didn't get to the pole any more
than DR.. Cook did,
Don't you sit there and tell me any
thing like that" grouched Mr. Jobson.
"Nobody's saying that Peary didn't get
to the pole. Nobody's saying that DR..
Cook didn't get there. either All I'm
saying Is that Peary is acting like an in
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-09-18
THE ENCORE FIEND.

They trip off the stage, and, even when
their departure is followed by the dismal
est and the most disappearing sort Of
almost Immediately trip back again. bow
Ing and Sinking. the orchestra leader
strikes up the band once more, II the in
Fiction has been song. and away they
That's what you call taking recalls,
with a vengeance. It's simply burglariz-
Ing recalls, as a matter of fact.
"And performers are long-drawn-out and
Wearisome simply because these incom-
petent. undeserving entertainers. are
bound and determined to take as many
recalls as the stage people, who really
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-09-18

And he says. or words to that effect.
you boys can learn all about this base
ball proposition because the team from
where 1 live is coming here to train.
thought it would liven things up bit to
have 'em. They're got to go south. and
they might as we'll land in Arnim.
"Gentlemen, hush. We was all near
pleased to death and we makes prepara-
lions.
We'll show EN- says the Mayor.
some liquored and enthusiastic, that
there amt nothing about base ball we
don't know Well demonstrate few.
Well skin 'em alive
And so we makes the mayor captain
of the team and gets to practicing. We
came near giving 1t up after the first day
We was mighty near letting 1t slide: 1t
sure was a plumb undignified exhibition.
1t wore us out fearful. 1t busted our
hands up some.
But Norton, he tod US how to do IT.
and we kept at it. The mayor got so he
could stop ball which was rolling along
the ground some swift. and the rest OF
the nine wasn't much behind him. A
couple of times the boys stopped balls be-
fore they hit the ground. We was plump
expert.
''Then this here team come, and wien
we seen 'em play, we was plumb dis
couraged 1t didn't look like hard work
They loped around loose and general ana
they caught balls casual and regular.
They knew how.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-09-18
the audience, and are

get recalls from the audience, and are
worthy of encores.
waiting for something really worth while
to come along on the program have in
consequence to sit back and yawn and
YEARLY abandon themselves to dreariness
and ennui until the recall robbers get
through with their gratuitous rehashings
Even IL there is only one chinless
cackling numskull Of an encore fiend in
the audience who. despite all Of the warn
ingful Kisses Of the bored au-
dience. persists In clapping for the re-
appearance Of the punk entertainers the
latter win stretch the point even after
couple Of silent rebuffs on the part Of
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-09-18

says goes. I'm the umpire. and IL I'm In
clfned to mention that most Of these eff
forts which the mayor is making Is
strikes. why I amt intending to be con-
tradicted Besides he amt never done 1t
before. and we got to make allowances.
which we did,
well. sir. the game Hoped along brisk
and enjoying until 1t came to the ninth
inning and the score was a tie. There
wasn't anybody that made anything. The
mayor he never threw no balls that the
other fellows could reach. and the pitcher
for the short horns he threw them cork
screws which was mentioned in the article
about base ball. But then there comes
time when the mayor was careless, and he
threw the ball near the man which had
the stick. And he hit it. He soaked 1t
fearful. 1t went about mile. And
F'risky Wilson, which was out in right
field, he chases it. but his cayuse ain
handy, and We was all despairing ana
frantic when old man Sanderson. which
was umpiring. he yells out
"'Only two bases on that HIT he says
loud and raucous.
What's that for?' asked one OF the
short horns.
1--we been reading the regulations.
says old man Sanderson. and I observe
that hit into the crowd only counts two
bases. Them is known as the ground
rules. and they goes
But says this here visiting short
horn, there amt no crowd. There amt
nobody out in the direction took by that
ball except two greasers and a cayuse.'
When two greasers and q cayuse
congregate In this town. says old man
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-09-18

article that they have asked for and do
want and will have-if not there. some
where else-can drug store take a
chance. by employing such inpudent
develop a crouch and grump and an
overweening desire to knock the plant
for the balance of their terrestrial exist
ence?
Il
Later on I went into another drug
store to get some soda water. Absent
mindedly, I lined up at the soda counter.
behind whole parcel Of folks. and wait
ed patiently for the young man at the
other end of the counter-he was talk
ing to a tottie-looking girl, and therefore
busy-to notice me. He noticed me after
long time, and then said he:
'Gotcha check?'
True. had forgotten that. I had to
give up my place at the counter, after
that long wait. and thread my way to the
back Of the store. which was poorly light
ed. and find the desk where the ss.,ka
checks were sold. and then stand in .ine
for while until the young woman be-
hind that desk got through Ginning with
one of the young pharmacists with whom
she was flirting, and then be scowled at
when she did notice me, and then thread
my way back to the soda fountain, where
the soda fountain youth was again en-
gagged in rapt conversation with the
Tottfe creature on the other side OF the
fountain. and wait to catch his eye again.
and get scowled at by him. too, and
then get a punk mess of soda, because
the young man was In such hurry to
get back to the doll with whom he was
conversing. and all of this, you see. be-
cause the man running that drug store,
not being able to figure on the honesty
of his employees. expected ME- to help
him keep his books for him and his cash
account straight by going through that
billybedanged check-purchasing perform
ance.
Yep. I'm crab all right enough And
I like being a crab. And, additionally.
I'm of the strong opinion that II all hands
would take a turn at being crabs for
while, instead of being herded sheep.
we'd be able to get whole lot better
service and have to endure darned sight
less imposition"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-09-18

amount to 80 much"' Mrs. Jobson asked
him.
Does 1t amount to much?" echoed Mr..
Jobson, speaking from a great height.
why, woman. it's the most amounting
fulish thing that's happened since Colum-
bus discovered the United States-Ameri-
ca, mean"
"Why?" mildly asked Mrs. Jobson.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-09-18

''This sort Of thing, of course, isn't
confined to the vaudeville people. The
musical comedy folk are insistent pursuers
Of the policy-if you want to call 1t a
policy-of grabbing recalls that are never
extended to them. A topical song singer
for instance. will come back and come
back. time without end, long after his
twists upon words have ceased to amuse
and with hardly a clap in the house,
simply for the glory Of being able to
brag, next summer when he isn't work
ing. about the number of recalls that he
had at such-and-such a place.
THE orchestra leader Of a musical
comedy company is generally as much at
fault for this as the monotonous funny
man. With no encouragement whatever
the orchestra man holds up his baton as a
signal to the orchestra players, when
the audience 10 gloomily hoping that
the funnyist will 90 anyway from there
the topical man slides out again with
the first note Of his boreful ditty and be-
gins his palling foolery all over again,
THE orchestra leader also forces the
chorus OF the extravaganza company to
work hard by pulling his baton to an
attention when there isn't eyan the
symptom Of a demand on the part OF the
audience that chorus or finale be done
over again.
1.-The encore fiend exists, Of course, lust
as the waterbury and q still more domesti-
Gated insect exist: but 1t isn't wholly his
fault, or anything like 1t, that an even
ing at the theater Is evocative of SO
many yawns now-o'-nights"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-09-18

DIV that the the
atrical season Is
under way again.
remarked an OBJ
servant theater-
goer, well be
hearing the usual
amount of piming
knocks as to the
encore fiend. A
good deal of tom
myrot is talked
and written about
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-09-18

doubt If Oh, shucks. what's the use?'
and Mr.. Jobson simmered down to a mere
dismal gurgle.
But couldn't anybody say that he'd
been to the north pole?'' asked Mrs. Job
son. a little surprised. at that. over her
own nerve.
Sure thing" replied Mr.. Jobson.
"surest thing you know. Mr.: Dooley
pole So could Senator Aldrich. So could
Hickory Jim. So could Dorsey Foultz
Anybody could claim It. But what the
dick; dickens right would anybody have to be-
We'll, then. what right has anybody to
believe DR.. Cook?" asked Mrs. Jobson.
Madam" said Mr.. Jobson, with i'm
pressment, after a considerable pause,
"you fatigue me. You fatigue me excess
lively. Well just chop this stuff right here.
I announce to you the biggest hunk Of
news that's trickled out in a million
years. and yo-you-aw. femme read my
paper. Lemme alone. You fatigue me
beyond words
business came to an abrupt termination
In the Jobson domicile.
When the word dribbled out, in the
AOA III VI LILO COuIC"ud UOIuU0OI1C ulSPdISIl
about the Stars and Stripes having been
mailed to the pole" by Peary. Mr.. Jobson
couldn't hold himself In any longer.
Gosh, here's that Peary duck been and
gone and done 1t. too" he said to Mrs.
Jobson as he opened up his Stah-yeah
pape. well, we'll, what dye think o.
that? Bully for Peary. That's two Ameri-
cans that've pasted the old pennant up
there at the top OF the world Vince!
Great stuff! Let the eagle squeak! I
guess that won't give the bloomdnk
Britishers something to smoke about!'
do you really think Peary was there.
or that he's just claiming that he was
there because he heard that DR.. Cook
was there % asked Mrs. Jobson, surprised
at herself for her audacity once again.
'Oh. say don't pull that kind Of stuff
again, please" said Mr.. Jobson. You
only show yourself up and make your
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-09-18

lis your son doing anything during
vacation?"
Eyes. He's making money hand-over.
fst selling a new tangled diary"
Il shouldn't think that there would be
much money in that
Every woman buys one. It has one
page q day for what you do yourself and
ten pages for what your neighbors do"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-09-18

len the word
flashed out Of the
frozen regions that
DR.. Cook had dis
covered the north
pole, Mr.. Jobson
hoped around the
Jobson abode with
as much apparent
delight as II he'd
discovered the pole
himself.
Does 1t really
$3.50
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-09-18

T may we'll be-"
said the man with
the Vuelta Abajo
smudgette, made in
Pittsburg. that I
am becoming a
crab. Often l think
that I am. But I'm
willing to leave it
to you. I'll tell you
about q few little
experiences that I
had while buying
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-09-18

some articles Tor myself yesterday, anu
then permit you to do the judging.
81 needed some handkerchiefs. / saw in
the window Of a store some handkerchiefs
that seemed to be what I wanted. I went
IN There were three or four young wom-
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-09-18

HE HONORABLE
B ILL SANGER,
Sheriff Of Arnim,
Texas, wiped his
mouth carefully on
his coat sleeve.
turned his glass
upside down with
considerable re-
luctance and sigh
ed.
II observe by the
-@ hA ca{d
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-09-18

Just notice this the next time you at
tend a vaudeville show and see IL I'm not
right.
THE --LATEST, deadest. stalest stage
stunt. that isn't worthy Of hand and
never by any chance gets one. even from
the encore fiends, nearly always is done
over again at least once, and occasion
ally oftener. by the insistent stage people
who are determined to make it appear
they really are getting any or not.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-09-18

like his face so much better than I do
Peary's."
4
"Oh. that's a woman's way Of looking
at it, cut in Mr.. Jobson. What the
dickens have their faces got to do with
their discovery of the pole-Peary's dis.
covery OF the pole, mean? l say Peary's
discovery, for I'm doggoned il 1t doesn't
begin to look pretty bad for Cook. for
Dinners dun radey," the maid called
up from the basement, and that Cancelled
the arctic talk until another session.
Then came Peary's detailed story. to-
gether with the distinctly ungracious
wireless telegram from Peary to the ef-
feet that Cook had handed the public
gold brick"
That's Peary all overt" growled Mr..
Jobson when he read that stuff. That's
the guy that thinks he's got a mortgage
on the north pole. and that he owns the
whole arctic region in fee simple. Huh!
He makes me sick. He
Then interrupted Mrs. Jobson, you
really think that DR.. Cook discovered the
pole first?''
Il don't intend to let you herd me up
against any stanchion and prod me with
hatpins SO that I'll get myself on record"
said Mr.. Jobson in reply to that. but
IL Cook didn't discover the pole first. then
I'll walk from here to Anacostia on my
hands and then skate back on my ear
How about Peary? Do you think he
really was at the pole?" asked Mrs. Job
son.
"well, I hate to hand anything to that
fellow, after the way he's acted toward
DR.. Cook. but plain justice forces me to
acknowledge that 1 think he's been to
tho mole too" said Mr. JObgon. I'D
rather believe, knowing what know OF
him now. that he'd hadn't been there.
but guess it's got to be given to him.
even II he is trying all he knows to chuck
dirt on the other man..
A couple Of evenings ago Mrs. Jobsen
made the mistake of bringing up the
somewhat threadbare arctic discussion
household accounts.
WELL" she said, both DR.. Cook and
Peary will be back soon. and then they
can tell us all about it."
LET 'em tell 1t to Sweeney" Grumped
Mr. Jobson. What the dickens is IL to
you or me what they say. when this
DANCED butcher is snagging all the money
can beg. borrow or steal for the punk
meat he sends over here?
But" said Mrs. Jobson. las long as
you believe that both Of them found the
pole, why
"Whoever said that both Of 'em found
the nole?" barked Mr.. Jobson. III ever
said anything like that must have been
SO full Of betel nut that 1t was leaking
out of my eyes. / said distinctly. not one
but thirty-seven thousand times. that
don't believe either one OF 'em ever came
within a million miles Of the pole. and
mean it. and now, IL you please. kindly
rub that arctic stun and tell me. If you
charged on this butchers book twice In
one day."
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-09-18

to swat the ambient. I'm pining to die at
the plate. I'm yearning to skin 'em alive.
"Well. sir, there wasn't anybody speaks
up except Norton-which was grinning
some prominent-and he translates the
language.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-09-18

vociferously demanded to return by the
audience
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-09-18

the house as a whole, and come back and
do their durnedest and their longest, Just
as If the clapping Of one clapper amounted
to an ovation.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-09-18

"Oh, say. don't pull that kind of stun
again, please" said Mr.. Jobson. You
only show yourself up and make your
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-09-18

like his face so much better than I do
Peary's."
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-09-18

Gentlemen. there was a riot, Gentle
men. It sounded like tho Fourth Of JULY
Gentlemen, 1t was excitinEi You couldn't
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-09-18

ing composed Of cowgentlemen from
these parts-was real champions. They
wasn't never beaten. 1t came about this
way: