davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13
EVERY SATURDAY.
Our Motto Ifyou see it in The Big
Sud-. il isn { necessarily so.
CONGRATULATIONS

The Big Stick begs leave % 3oin
hands with the majority Of iis
Washington contemporaries and ez-
tend congratulations 70 its imms-
date neighbor and friend. The
Washington Herald. on the addition
q Henry Litchdeld West 70 its
forces
While there have been occasions
when tho Big Stick felt It obliga-
tory 20 differ from Tho Washington
Herald-eyun 20 rep.oYe it now and
then-we feel. nevertheless. that this
last move was so esninently a 1t
and proper thing that wo hasten 10
get in Line with our most distin-
guishod APPRECIATION
Mr.. West has frequently been a
most welcone-H expanSiyo-contrlb-
utOT 10 the columns q the Stick,
and his work has never fallen below
that lofty standard for which Wo
arc Justly noted. We feel sure The
Herald viii find Mr.. West 10 be,
rs the Stick has. not only a most
acceptable associate and co-worker,
but an extremely anable and cour-
teous gentleman WIthaL
Again the Stick says. congratu-
lRtions all around. and q long life
to its approximately youthful but
most deserving fellow-laborer IN the
journalistic vineyard. The Wash
ington Herald.
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13

points out that the United States. though
blessed with the most fertile sou and Ia
vorable climate in tho world. produces
an annual average yield Of less than four
teen bushels OF wheat per acre, while
England produces more than thirty-two,
Germany twenty-eight. the Netherlands
thirty-four. and France about twenty.
There are similar comparisons as TO
corn and oats. At the same time. ex-
ports OF foodstufTs show steady declines
Increase in home consumption must be
met by an increase in the yield per acre.
Production and consumption continue 10
converge in the United States. The les
son IS plain. but needs to be driven into
the national consciousness by iteration
and reiteration.
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13
POLITICAL POINTS.

Il Rayner Is the happy lad now
adays. LIS reelection TO the SEN
ate IS assured. Il it was expensive.
Danyille, IL, expects 10 have a
candidate for Speaker Of the next
House Of Representatives. You cam
not bluff those Danyilleites.
''Jeems" Bryce, the wen-known
ambassador. is North Carolinaing.
II thoy don't know how 10 run the
government down there, "Jeems" Is
the boy who can tel them
Editor Charles Mckay Rippey has
retired from the race for justice Of
the peace In Herndon, Va The
evident inclination Of the country
toward conservatism probably scared
him Of.
Tom Watson wants 10 so 70 war
against the Federal courts. Tom
Is a husky fighter and a good boy,
Il he DOES incline to turn in the
fire alarm and call out tho militia
every thirty days
Capt Archie Butt denies that bis
full-dress name Is Archibald Claver-
ing de Willngham GraHenried
Butt. and he does not think It
funny TO be called all Of that. II
would DO funny Il Archie did think
40. however.
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13
AS TO LENGTHY SERMONS.
In This Busy Generation the Clergy
men should COndense "MessaEe."

men SnOulu AOnUemae "meAAu Ke.N
From the Kansas City Journal
A st, Louis clergyman takes his col
leagues IN the ministry 70 task because.
as he alleges. their sermons are not long
enough. When asked how long he thought
a proper sermon should be he replied.
"Oh, sermon OF about an hour and
forty-fve minutes. have preached some
good sermons IN two hours"
IN his mistaken zeal the good man fails
10 take account Of the fact that quality,
not quantity. counts most in messages,
divine or otherwise The message TO Car
ella did not fll a page and yet e changed
the map OF the world Christ's sermons
on the mount can easily be read or
spoken IN a few minutes and yet no
other like IL has ever issued from the lips
% man. Every speaker or writer knows
that II IS much harder 70 condeuse a
message" either sermon or speech.
than TO express 70 in a multitude Of
words. Long sermons were popular and
perhaps effective IN former day when the
masses had little other mental pabulum,
but IN this busy generation. when men s
time and attention are claimed fin mani
fold ways, the man IS most blessed who
AAAtAhN0 AllN titN00uet nc IS uoLcu 10 Q-E
liver 70 mankind short and quick Minis
tiers who burn midnight OIL in condensing
their sermons so that they win not COM
pei their congregations 70 eat cold dinners
are most TO be commended for such an
Observance OF the laws OF good taste and
propriety. especially since their forbear-
ance and consideration for others does
not necessarily imply the least abbrevia-
ton OF the thought they may desire 20
convey. Christ-like living and speaking
and not long sermons are what the
church needs most 70 regain or retain its
influence in the lives OF humanity The
world IS still eager TO listen to the Word.
but not TO mere words.
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13
FAULT-F1ND1NG AT $50 PER,
Department Store Critic Il n Profess
EiOnaI TrOubIemakeF.

department STORE Crttlc II EEcAea-
EiOnAI TrOubIemakeF.
Golett Burgess, IN coliisTL
My business is to make trouble. Many
people think. evidently, that that's their
business, too, but they're only amateurs.
I'm a professional troublemaker. and am
paid $50 a week by one Of the most enter
prising firms IN the United States for Il.
The salary seems large until you realize
that IN my fight I'm alone against about
1900 people Also, I have to know every
thing. or I'm supposed to. and that's not
so easy, either.
Some people would call me a SPY. and
some "spotter." Ny proper title IS
critic" OF a big department store. am
the eyes Of the firm. and the ears, too,
for that matter.
Oh. you've seen me. often enough. for
I'm on the job every day from till 4.
But I'm more invisible than a store de-
tective and considerably more omni-
present. I look just Ike a common. ordi-
nary shopper. buy things. and talk, and
sit in the waiting room, hunt bargains,
look in the mirrors. and ride in the ele-
vatOrs. That is, I did ride IN the ele-
FdlOIb l4l j was AFRAID lO-DuL OF lndL
later. I might be anybodys sister look
ing for 1T-cent rUching TO match that
piece Aunt Josie bought at Stevens
Brothers, for all you know. But the main
part OF my business Is to escape recog-
milton by clerks and managers, porters.
call boys, and stock girls as long as pos
sible. So far. I'm safe. but there's no
knowing how long I'll preserve my incog-
nito. Sometimes / look like a country
customer and sometimes. really. I'm
quite smart. have blue wells and green,
and wear my hair different way every
day.
When I was appointed TO my position
the head Of the firm gave me these simple
Instructions: GO down and raise Cain, %
he said. and don't let anything get by
you'll" Well. DO my best I began by
sending IN five typewriter pages OF criti-
cism every day. and now. ordinarily. !
turn in at least nine. The ordinary custo-
mer always has a few complaints. but not
even the most faUlt-hnding could discover
as many things wrong as I find on one
days trip. believe I'm the most dis
contented woman IN Chicago. have 10
be. or lose my fob.
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13
A PESsTNusTTC THEORY.
Why Is 1t We Believe that Pleasure
Is Bad for UsR

IfOm the Chicago Record erad
There IS in existence a theory that the
things which we like are generally bad
for US. And IN eontradistinction 10 this
Idea there is prevalent a belief that we
may expect to be benefited by whatever
is disagreeable. We have all been con-
scientiously taught that sweets are harm
ful aud 20 DO Stunned. and that anything
which IS bitter must be beneficial II IS
hard 10 get people TO have confidence in a
doctor whose medicines are nice 70 take.
Because little Edmond abhors the bath
tub It follows that the bath tub IS a
good thing for little Edmond. and be-
cause Miss Angelina finds It delightful
10 sit in the parlor night after night with
young Mr.. Witherspoon she IS assured
that such a practice IS deserving OF the
strongest condemnation
There are plenty OF people who believe
that a mild, pleasant winter IS bad for
the human race, not because anybody has
ever been able 10 secure statistics TO dis
prove the fact that the death rate Is al
ways highest IN severely cold weather.
but on the general principle that IL q
thing IS pleasant Il must necessarily be
injurious. The girl who IS unconvention-
ally delightful IS regarded with suspicion,
while it IS taken for granted that her
sister. who IS b prig or a prude, must
be good.
Everywhere we find II written that
pleasure is harmful. Even q duty that
is not attended with hardship IS likely 10
be regarded with contempt II the dentist
could somehow contrive 20 make the
filing OF our teeth a delightful operation
we should at once be warned that Cod
intended that we should have cavities,
and that It were sinful 70 have them
plugged.
An old lady who had recently been
reading one OF the six best sellers laid
the volume aside when she was half
through.
''Don'r'' she earnestly said. let any Of
the young people get hold OF that wicked
book"
why do you call # a wicked book
she was asked Nobody else has ever
condemned it."
1T must be bad" she declared. DE
cause II is so delightful
Wherever there Is a plain woman you
may hear peopl5 referring TO her as "a
good soul"
So much IS said concerning "homely
virtues that we might be justified in
supposing there were no virtues save
homely ones. The haunts OF vice are al
ways gilded. while churches are usually
drafty, uncomfortable places, where
the light hurts our eyes and the seats
have hardness. IN comparison with
which adamant IS as q dOwny cushion.
All our teaching IS 10 the effect that
whatever IS pleasant must be had for
Us, and that tho moro we are compelled
to endure the greater our benefits must
be We might easily understand this
II Il were not for one thing. Why are we
given 10 understand that heaven IS beau
tiful, and how, II It IS bright and gor-
gecus and glorious. can It be q proper
place for us to wish TO reach?
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13
A DANISH CASTLE.

The young prince dreamed when one he loved had
died
That in her memory he would make 70 bloom
A thousand roses near the little room
Where she bad lived. close % the ehapel's sidsi
The king. grown old changed. for a queenly BRIDE,
His ancient castle. Gobelins gave a loom
For FTagonard's CAV pictures: when his doom
Struck and he Sczened. this lras all his pride.
Yet Time. a friend remembered. So to-day
Though gone the gOlden-brOnze 90 the oaken stair
And broken Cupids the great terrace strrw
Where Yenuc stands no more. the young Prince
May
Elushes the place With roses Everywhere;
The dreams OF youth, not plans Of age. cane true
s,AiaRIics Frsncta Egsn n the Century.
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13
Mr.. blackburn and HIS Chaplain.

Tho story IS told OF Senator Proctor. OF
Vermont. in "reminiscences by vice Presi-
dent Stevenson. that when invited to go
out Of the Senate Chamber Just before
the days session began. he replied. "Ex-
cuse me. am paired with Blackburn
on prayers" When the Rev. Dr. Butler
retired from the chaplaincy OF the SEN
ate, Blackburn's speech surpassed al
others for ardor and felicity OF express
sion The counterpart OF the scene that
followed his closing words had never
been witnessed IN legislative assembly.
All were in tears. 1t was even said that
venerable Senators who had never shed
a tear since the ratification OF the treaty
OF Client, actually sobbed aloud and re-
fused 20 be comforted- At length. amid
silence that could be felt, an adjourn
meEt was effected. and the Senators
passed sadly out 20 their homes. AS he
passed the chair. Senator Vest, IN under
tone. remarked 10 the Vice President.
Joe never saw him."
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13
THE JUNGLE SHAKEN.

Harki from the tangled tInEles
Genes an awful sound;
Terrific in its magnitude.
A shaking Of the ground.
The very leaves arc trembling.
The Sky Is growing dark:
Great clouds q dust and steam
arise
Again that no.se-Oh. hErki
Is catastrophe impendingI
Has the worlds end cone at IaSty
Lookl SEQ tho treo tops bending,
See the frightened beasts leap
past;
Again, again. that awful roar;
again that shaking Of the ground I;
Great fiocks OF frightened bros now
soar
Above. with screeching sound.
A lion, Wild Of eye, bounds Of,
A thing in abiect fright;
A giant elephant is seen
In most inglolious flight.
What Is il blanchiLs every hpg
What's causing this Tremendous
fussl
Why. Teddy's caught, alive. a hip.
A hip. a hippO-pot-a-muS
S. II. n.
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13
DrlNen To II.

Have drink. old man"
mo; I've cut IL out"
Jaw, be sociahle"
We'll, my companion here will have
drink with you. He's my social secretary"
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13
OUR CANDIDATES FOR COMMISSIONER.
o BY YE LOCAL SCRIBE.


Clarencs 3. Rheem. after spend-
ing the day strenuOusly loauing
money, recreatcs In the evening By
taking In al the moving picture
shows,
Philander @. johnson. the shoot
ing stAr. viii shortly publish a
volume q original s0ngA Both
words and music are from the pen
Of the versatile Phlic-
". Loeb let the sunshine q bis
countcnance fan upon us recently.
William is always sure Of a welcome
in Washington. where he has many
friends and Acquaintance
The Big Stick unanimously IN
dorses the candidacy Of Ralph Leo
and Ike Cans for tho District Com
missionership, Ralph has il on Ike
IN weight and Ike has it on Ralph
IL looks
Tom Noyes expresses great conf
dence in the possibilities Of the
Washington ball team next year.
He says they wiz Be. az the worst
head Of the second division
Claude Bennett arrived in Wash
ington close on the heels Of Presl-
dent Taft Claude has been rusti-
eating IN Florida. and incidentally
lecturing on the Panama Canal.
since Oct Matthews has been
superintendent Of letter carriers. he
has taken a systematic course FOR
the reduction Of his weight by walk
Ing around town with the various
carriers.
II It were not for the fact that
he IS IN the race for the presidenev
Of the Chamber Of Commerce Ar
thur Q. Moees would be a formi-
dable candidate for District Com
missioner
John h. sloan Is having phenons-
nal success IN bis canvass for the
directorate Of the Board Of Trade,
John sings one verse OF the stein
Song when be goes to see A man
and the vote IS his
Read the Bingrille Bugis tonorrou.
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13

George Bailey. OF the Houston Post. IS
a confirmed bachelor" says tie Allen
town Call If Georges out-of-town repu-
tation ever becomes generally understood
In Houston, he may not find It subse-
quently so easy TO get beyond the cor
pOrate limits.
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13
we,m stick tn Pnrcheesi.

From the Grand Rapids News
II has been known that the players OF
croquet have met with fatal accidents
during the progress Of a game. while that
ether pleasant pastime. canoeing, has
possibly caused more deaths than all the
other so-called legitimate college sports
put together.
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13
THE ICEMAN

In the giddy whirlpool
OF financial misulle,
Where fortunes arc shaken ul1e
dice.
There's a man Who Of lRts.
Has had remarkable fate,
Al dus TO his dealings In ia
He started the racket
By buying a packet
Loaded with ice 70 its ran;
And then buying others.
Until he owned every mothers
lee boat that still neW q Eail
Now. dealing In ice
IL all very nice;
The coin slides righo 70 your
hand.
But ice gets to Slipping.
Your fortune goes skippin~,
TIL you wish you'd been dealing
in land
TIMID SUBSCRIBER
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13

IRON HaypeTIs Magazine-
a Buffalo preacher tells a story OF a
woman who. after hearing him preach
informed a friend that she did not like
the services at all. The seat was hard.
she said, the singing was not good. and
the preaching was poor. Her little girl.
who overheard her remarks ard who was
present with her at church. said:
But. mamma, what can you expect for
a penny
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13
A LITTLE NONSENSE
NOTHING TO 1T.

NOlhANN W H.
Football is a manly sport,
We opine;
Bringing traits Of proper sort
Into line.
At all counter claims we scott
And assert
There are more who play at "gon'
Getting hurt
Tennis Stays its thousands. too.
As you know.
Men take chances that canoe,
Sail, or row.
As for football, more go lame
Every day
At the highly risky game
OF croquet.
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13

Good thing for the newspapers. more
over. that the wild-eyed story Of the
coloneTs precipitate demise was false
alarm. Precious little advance matter
and standing stuff TO meet that possible
emergency is yet in existence.
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13

Now that Mr.. Peary has definitely re-
jected the idea OF south polar expedi-
tion, those English explorers may pro-
coed with visions OF knighthoods and
peerages ahead devoid OF ali Ananias
Club trimmings.
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13

while young man was telling his
girl good night last night, her mother
came down the hall and handed him a
note. with the request that he hand Il
70 the milkman before he left" SAYS
tho Montgomery Advertiser. Well, was
the young man game?
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13

From the New York Journal Of Commerce.
In regard 70 tho amendment OF the antitrust law
the President has made no definite statement s1-
opt that ne believes that II IS IN need Of change %
make Its enforcement more prompt and certain.
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13

Oh, listen. Somebody now comes for
ward and declares that DR. Cooks COM
plexion indicates that he never reached
the north pole" What is the matter with
turning the north pole row over TO the
Miss Nancies. ANYWAY?
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13
Capt. Amundsen'. journey.

From the Chicago Record Herald.
Capt. AmUndseu IS going 70 start for The north
pole. taking with him food supply great enough %
last seven yea5. He evidently is determined 10
avoid any danger Of being doubted. when he re-
turns. because Of the speed he had 10 make IN order
70 avoid running out Of pcInnican.
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13
Mr. CummIns, standInE.

frorl ne Hcst1n Hcrld-
Senator Cummins has bccn ignored By Senator
Aldrch and read out Of the party BY Speaker Can
non. but he has been summoned 20 Washington 70
take part in The conference which the President IS
70 hold pTtparrtory 20 writing his message
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13

Mr.. Aldrich is not talking tariff out
West, and will not. Doubtless he thinks
he is not exactly the proper person to
undertake the transformation Of the
Western Observation-Disclosures into point
with-nriders.
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13
". Depew on subsidIes.

From tho Charleston News and Courier.
Rather than pay enormous srbsidics and. according
70 Senator Depew. huge sums Tor navy. which is
not needed says the Senator unless there IS a ulcr-
chant marine the American people would prefer 70
let foreigners DO the carrying while they themselves
did the actual business
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13
A New Industry.

IT see that some Of these theatrical
stars have plays written especially for
them"
What of II. Senator?"
why couldn't 1 have a few anecdotes
written especially for me 10 figure In?
Eli. what?"
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13
Mr.. Roosevelt No Exile.

From TIE Boston Tnnscgilt
Mr.. Roosevelt's remarks those who liken Africa
70 Elha likely % DO short and ugly ending with
an emphatic Admonition % read history carefully
when looking for SMILES so as 20 avoid those 1850
ciated with Waterloo and So. Helena
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13
MIR. nIacvengh and Mr.. Loeb.

From the New York Evening Post
Secretary Macyeagh's announcement that Collector
Loeb has the hearty support Of tho Treasury IN bis
efforts 10 purify the customs service in this city was
70 have been expected
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13
CHAT OF THE FORUM.
Mr.. Aldrich Pacific.

Frcm tho Louisville CouricrJournaL
St. louis dspa5ch says Mr. Adrich, merely
shook his head when asked to reply 20 tho criticism
q Mr.. Cummirs. Mr.. Cannon would have shaken
his fist.
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13

THE ice tnan wears a smile that prom
Uses to stay put" says the Jacksonville
SIN, there IS a silver lin
ing 10 that cloud. The coal man rarely
smiles at all in Florida.
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13

Trust your Uncle Sam" to make hay
while the sun shines The Treasury is
being enlarged while we have a nice. fat
deficit on hand and a fatter one staring
US in the (ace.
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13
A BIor TO the Drama

From tbs Boston Traveller.
Wallets are prohibited at Yale. This
is a sad blow TO the lady who wrote
Brown OF Harvard" for we understand
she was at work at a thrilling drama
OF Yale life, in which the football cap
tain's valet gave away the signals 70 ths
enemE
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13
Birth o. Romnnce.

And how did your romance start?"
"Oh. my wife worked in an axle grease
factory. She wrote her name and address
on a box of axle grease that bought"
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13

We do not mind saying to tho Macon
Telegraph that we have not the remotest
idea where the hookworm was IN
tho SOS. 1t seems to be reasonably Ger
tain. nevertheless, that Il did not enlist
IN either army.
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13

St Louis girl recently wed a foreign
person Of alleged noble extraction. only
to find that he was a fraud. Near-poetic
justice would suggest the hope that the
lady's dowry was made up OF stage
money entirely
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13
HIS Painful Duty.

''Mr. so-and-so, your daughter has re-
ferred me to you"
Then I guess your chances with her
are nil. young man. Referring 'em 10 me
Is her way OF letting EN- down easy"
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13
A Pair OF Pants.

From Harper's Weekly.
The Argentine Republic pants for war
with Bolivia. and Bolivia pants for war
with Argentine Republic. This pair OF
pants constitutes the latest thing IN inter
national breaches
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13

The House OF Lords seems utterly I'M
able 10 understand that It is loaded-the
English political situation. we mean, OF
course, not the Lords.
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13
RcK.d

There ouc0 was . statesman named
Crane,
Who got caught IN q terrible min
said he, Gee. IT'S uotp'
But inside didn't get:
So be never was heard OF againi
Read Bingvine Bugls to-morow.
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13

mingham Age-Herald. Then It was a
maximum of fight and minimum of
talk; now it is a maximum of talk and
a minimum OF fight.
The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1909-11-13
The President and Canada.

From the Philadelphia Press.
Great business interests Of the country. It e IN
dcrstood. have received assurances that no tariff war
viii Be invited with Canada by the President de-
Glazing maximum rates on her products imported
into the United giatcA