The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1909-05-23
FREAKS IN PATENT OFFICE.
One Man WouId Patent New Way
to Say the Lords Prayer.


years of office has had 10 brave the
opportunities of hosts of freak invent
ors, but on giving up the reins he has
the satisfaction of knowing that the
crank is becoming a negligible guam
tity, while the man Of sterling worth
has found, by recent enactment, a
greater scope for the exercise Of his
inventive faculties.
The cynic whose hopes, as a pat
entee, have been blighted, has solaced
himself with the reflection that the
world is divided into two sections
those who can invent and don't, and
those who can't and do" There is
more than a suggestion of truth in
the retort, for the patent Office is
still made the repository for eccentric
originality emanating from the over
wrought brains of crazy inventors.
The geniuE with a mastery cOncep-
ton OF how TO solve the problem OF
perpetual motion Is as cheerfully Op-
timistic and plentiful today as he was
half a century ago. The continuation
of this species is perhaps the nearest
approach 10 perpetuity the human race
has evolved.
He Is by no means alone, however,
I'm his Unsuitable desire to add to the
sum total Of the worlds great discov- !
cries. Almost from the moment when
James I. in return for personal con- /
sideration." instituted the patent laws. !
the system became a sort of fare TO
which madmen were attracted with |
moth-iike infatUation. The office had |
only been established a few days
when an intrepid agricuIturist came |
forward with a claim that he had |
uneRrthed the secret OF how to pillow |
land without horses or oxen, and had |
found how TO endow barren land with |
stupendous fertility. His imagination |
was excellent; where he failed was in /
the fact that he had not the crudest /
notion of how to accomplish his dual /
purpose. If he had lived long enough /
he might have been cOmfOrted by the /
knowledge that he mad scared to dizzy /
heights in distinguished company.
Pointer and Gun.
Among the curiosities to which the !
present generation has given birth 4
is a specification for combining animal /
instinct with human precision in the !
realm of sport. The patentee elab- |
GRATED a plan whereby direct conf !
municatiOn. by chain, cord or other /
device. should be established between /
the tail of a pointer and the trigger |
of the sportsman's gun" By intuition /
the dog would know when the bird /
was about 10 rise. and by moving his 4
tail would IRE the gun. The sports /
man had only TO see that his aim was
accurate: the dog and the bird would 1
do the rest. The brilliancy of the /
notion has not yet been able TO pene-
trate the spathetic density of the /
general body OF sportsmen, and so
another addition has been made TO
the already long list Of disappointed |
inventors.
The man who asked for patent
for a new method of saying the
Lord prayer was only slightly less
mad, but maybe, a good deal less
mercenary, than the genius whd
sought TO secure a royalty for the
discovery that the addition of salt to
water improved the boiling of cab
bsges. A burst of inspiration induced /
a London hOsier to patent one
tailed shirt" while a tailo who pos
sessed more originality than was good !
for him lodged specification for pro-
tecting trousers from mud spots by
wearing splash boards on the heels
Of the boots A seafarer knowing
the indesCribable agOnies of acute sea-
sickness. .conCocted a fearful and Won
derful scheme whereby a ship might I
be provided with a special platform,
supported by balloons, thus dispens-
ing with those vagaries Of motion so
disturbing TO the tickle constitution.
An Artificial Moon.
A rural gentleman Of marked eco
nomicaI habits. having observed the
gorgeous reflection of the setting sun
in the village windows. saw no reason
why every hamlet should not boast its
own artificial moon. BY the eXpendi-
ture Of much mathematical skill he
demonstrated that by suspending a
huge reflector from a balloon at high
altitude it was possible to reflect the
rays OF the sun after daylight had died
away. An unappreciative public de-
clineG TO avail itself of this astOund-
ing discovery. even after a patent had
been granted.
A naturalist. as the outcome of pro-
found study, was moved to pity for the
Woodworking busy bee who. while
wrapped in slumber after a strenuous
days toll was robbed of his honey by
the bee moth at night The claims of /
honest industry cried aloud for pTOtec-
ton from the midnight marauder, and
another addition was made to the ar
chives OF the patent Office. The specih-
cation with much gravity detailed the
working. The beehive was provided
with a door connected with a henroost.
Directly the bees retired TO rest the
fowls retreated to their henrOost. and
by the process Of getting on their re-
spective perches caused the door of the
hive 10 close automatically. The pro-
cess would be reversed in the morning
and success insured.
Hole to Center Of Earth.
The plan for Harvesting Niagara was
puny compared with the vastness Of
the project which had for its object
the boring of a hole until it reached
the waters that are boiled by the etar-
nal fires OF the earth" The author of
this daring proposal foresaw the day
when fuel would no longer be needed,
and when the engineer would be no
more. Upon what principle the inventor
hoped to dispense with the services Of
the engineering section OF the commu-
nifty remained a closely guarded secret.
All the great crises have stimulated
the creative faculty Of mankind. and
earthquakes have, OF course, earned a
fun share of attention. The most orig
inal notion in this connection was nut
forth by genius who quite satisfied
himself that II houses were provided