Evening star., 1909-04-18
TAME BASE BALL
OUT OF QUESTION
Dick Cooley Boosts LadyIike
Game Through Sar-
castle Cullen.
By Clarence L. Cullen.

They say there isn't going to be any
rude. rowdy ball this year.
Let them say. The sayers who think
they can reorganize human nature, on
or off a ball lot. by saying things. will
go right on saying 'em until (and after
the invading Chinese of the year 1905
have cut the White Lot up into building
lots for joss pagodas.
But the ball player will go right or
getting Jumps Of wrath In his neck and
easing earnest words out of his system
sayers or no sayers just as the hombrey
who hands his thumb a wallop while
driving a nail to hang up some piffling
picture for his wife will go right on exud-
ing lankwich that no young parsons
seminary would tolerate within its pre-
cincts for a minute or less.
A lot of steamy south breeze has been
emitted and written about the rude ball
thing. Still, there's always a chance for
an individual point of view to wedge In.
I'm going to hand you a satirical
point of view that Dick Cooley got out
of his system on this question when
met him in New York a while back.
Cooley, you'll remember, used to be one
of the main props for the Philadelphia
Nationals. He stuck around with the
Detroit outfit for quite a while, too. and
now he's the virtual owner and the entire
manager Of the Topeka club. which is
some kale-gatherer for Richard. Cooley
is a man of excellent education He
used to do ragtime chanting in vaude-
vile. and what he can't do to a hotel or
any other kind of piano, when the
ivory-whangtng spirit moves him. isn't
worth doing. Cooley, when he was In
nobby ball company. used to get the
naughty gate-motioning finger from the
umpire right along, for there's bit of
harp in him. and. like all human be-
ings who are worth their bread and meat.
he's one of the rankest hard losers in the
business He wasn't an umpire-baiter
but he just used to say things. kind O.,
that got him benched for varying periods.
When he mooched along to New York a
while back to mitt the bunch kicking
ters there, somebody pulled the rude and
rowdy ball question, and Cooley. who
talks in subdued. wholly unperturbed
tone. tossed the following observations out
of his diaphragm:
Ladylike Base Ball.
what we need more than anything else
is ladylike base ball. That's what we're
craving. players and fans alike-denatured
base ball; base ball that's stingless and
things: etiquettish base ball; polite base
ball. They used to call vaudeville just
vaudeville, didn't they, or, worse than
that. just plain variety? Then we got
pOilte vaudeville NOW We neeQ pOlft6
base ball. Me. Harrigan, for that.
Ball players ought to be required, be-
fore butting into velocity company, to
attend school of department. That
what most of us need more than any
thing else-deportment. We ought to be
taught the Delsarte movements to give
US deportmanish action. Then we should
have instruction upon how not to yawn
when addressed by an umpire. how to
make a parlor milking stool with cherry
hny vfh = Of Nld har rvo1
how to dance the Hungarian kadink with.
out stepping on our own or anybody
else's feet, how to write a letter to a
young lady's mother asking for her re-
shampoo our hair with Arabic paste with
out mussing up the bathrooms walls, how
to wear lilac socks with black low-cut
shoes without being too sensational, and
all like that.
These things are really required by
ball players. Every ball player should
be forced to attend such night school
of department the year round. even dur
ing the playing season, on pain of having
his contract Cancelled.
Then they'd know how to behave In
a ball yard. AS II is now. the sons of
sea cooks have the unmitigated gall and
temerity, as 1t watr, to behave like hui
man beings quite often on a ball lot, and
that's inimical to the best interests of
the game. hateful to the fans loathsome
TO the ladies. trying on the nerves Of the
Epworth League, and generally muttlike
and reprehensible.
After kicking around in the deport-
ment school for a few years the players
would learn how to play the game in a
ladylike manner. l could mention about
a million points in which the asperities
OF the game-ye-eh. the asperities and
acerbities of the game, so to speak-could
be modified and mitigated and toned
down and softened and mellowed and be
rendered non-deeterious. whatever that
means.
For instance, when the batsman picks
up his club to go up to the plate In his
turn. he should first approach the bench
manager. curtsey, remove his cap.
Mister GitappY Youdubb. / beg to In
quire what sort OF swing you are desir-
Gus of having me make at the spheres?
The Polite Thing.
Get it? That's the polite thing. Upon
being informed by the manager that he'd
better lay one down or poke it out or try
TO plant it in deep left where the left
gardener is playing too far in, why, the
batsmans business should then be to
walk up behind the umpire officiating be-
hind the plate, curtsey again, remove his
cap and knuckle his forehead some more
and say to the arbitrator:
Mister Tun-Dealsky, l trust that you
will not find 1t incumbent upon you to
censure me for anything which am now
about to do something nifty and consid-
crate like that, thus gaining the indul-
gence OF the umpire and showing the con-
gregated fans that everything is just as
sweet and polite and ladylike as can be.
SO IL Is.
THE players doing the coaching should
vigorously resist the temptation to say
anything Of rude or chatting character
that might be calculated to disturb the
composure or serenity OF the opposing
players. The first quality required OF a
gen'rm'n. y'know, is that he shall not
give ofYense, and that's the way 1t ought
to be In the ball-playing business during
the actual progress of game.
The man doing the coaching, for ex-
ample, should never be allowed to say
anything calculated to upset the placidity
OF the pitcher Instead OF expectorating
coaching box and saying in rumbling
tone to the pitcher. 'Aw. y big rum. y
couldn't trun a beanbag at me little sis
ter the coaching player Of the opposite
nine should express 1t something ike
this:
Mister Pitcher. far be 1t from me to
utter a word that might serve temporarily
TO extract any OF the cunning from your,
puissant arm, but l have feeling, new
ertheless, that, perhaps owing to the nef-
vous tension under which you are suffer-
ing, you are about TO toss the sphere
far. far, on, ever so far, over the top
of the beauty-filled grandstand, are You
IL in this way:
while l congratulate you. Mister
pitcher, upon the invincible skill, which
YOU have been exhibiting In ouf great
national game for number OF years,
have a premonition, nevertheless. that
unon this occasional the present mo-
nnent that is to say-you are about to
hasrow uponf nv honored team mate, Mis-