Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1909-05-20
UNCLE BOWEN.
BY St. John Dyer.

had more influence mere IN MS OWN oldle
half century ago than at present. One
OF their exponents in this old town was
Uncle Bowen-a unique, peculiar charac-
ter, very positive in politics and religion;
much misunderstood and maligned by his
village neighbors, of whom the great ma
jority were opposite in party and stoutly
orthodox in Christian faith. BY the wom-
en- he was held in hot condemnation as
rank infidel, blasphemer, a terrible ogre,
about whom any barbarous story would
have with them obtained eager evidences;
albeit he was good neighbor, kind and
earnest, moral, honest, bringing up a FAM
lily of fine girls, all of whom turned out to
be splendid, womanly characters, bearing
no taint of his religious delinquency.
His garden adjoined that OF the home
where lived "mine antique aunt, "who was
a propagandist Of her faith of the fiercest
style. When she became full OF zeal
and the missionary spirit effervesced,
having shining example of sin convien-
ent upon whom she could work off her
pious ebulition, she would sally forth to
find Uncle Bowen industriouSly working
in his turnips and cabbages, so she could
launch forth over the low paling fence to
give him sermon and warning OF the
warm fate that awaited such hoary bias
phemers as himself He would take the
hot dose quietly, patiently, and when her
energy and wind werespent, would answer
by some quaint quip, asking her "when
she had last hobnobbed with her old
friend the Apostle Paul, that hotheaded
gentleman who beat up Stephen so un-
mercifully." When she so unctuously
described that warm place TO which he
was surely destined, he expressed his
consolation in having no ccal or wood
bills to pay. AT times she would venture
to catechze him on sacred history. She
asked him if he dared to doubt the Jonah
and whale story. Thereupon he an
swered, THAT it might have occurred in
the way he read it," Jonah was, perhaps,
like our great orator and temperance lect-
urer living in neighboring town, himself
shining example of the evils of intem-
perance and best equipped for a scorching
lecture just as he is recovering from
spree. Thinking it about time for another
raid on Nineveh, where temperance was
always live subject, he started thither on
his journey, but it was warm and dusty,
so he went in little wayside tavern
named the Whale" and being thirsty he
ordered mintjulep. II tasted soothing,
he took another and some more, until he
became tanked up in three days booze.
Then being unable to pay his bill, the
"Whale "unceremoniously pitched him out
to sober up and 60 on to Nineveh-thus
prepared by his last jag to put in his best
licks on the evils of intemperance. II
seemed to me, he said, that the moral of
the story would have been better if, in
stead of getting mad because the Lord
would not destroy Nineveh according to
order, he had come back with his lecture
fee and paid the "Whale" his hotel BILL"
"Well," answered mine aunt, "you ap-
pear to be pretty bright in Bible stories,
and must read it more than you protest.
never dreamed that you had Bible"
"Humphg" he reioined, pointing at his
house, al have piles of that kind Of lit
erature, the Bible, Sinbad the Sailor and
all that oriental wonderlore."
Mine aunt was so shocked by this hor-
rible profanity that she could not answer.
She turned and fled with closed ears
Had the young men been at her beck as
those with Paul when he was the jealous
prosecuting attorney, Uncle Bowen might
have shared the fate Of Stephen.
Uncle Bowen was fine raconteur of
anecdotes, and this one may merit re-
hearsal. His wife was very energetic and
industrious. She had long been urging
him to paint the house and paling fence
leading down the alley; but painting be-
ing his own handicraft, he didn't see how
he could pay himself for the work. Tired
with importuning him, at last, to put him
to shame, one bright Saturday she made
up bucket of kalsomine, putting in plen-
ty OF salt that il should shine like the
righteous. With this she whitened up
the paling fence, and, as high as she could
reach with long-handle brush, the alley
side of the house, the shabby upper gable
being left as reproof TO her lazy hus-
band.
The paling fence led down to a stable
where dwelt an old muley COW, the gi-
gantic pet for she was full ten feet long
of a neighbor's boy, who, besides driving
her with a bride, had taught her various
interesting tricks, one Of which was to
get up on her hind legs, placing her fore
feet up on the side of the stable thus to
reach the corn nubbins or wisps of fresh
hay he proffered her from the second
story stable window.
Moreover, she was not a selfish, greedy
old COW; so that bright moonlight Sat-
urday night, after she had furnished Sun
day with the milk of human kindness, and
was let out of her stable, she Immediately
scented the salty atmosphere. She issued
Invitations TO all her cow gossips of the