davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Virginia enterprise., 1909-07-23
Brandy and Soda
BY a. NJ. Eqbert.

The worn man in the saloon, with
the reminiscent look in his eyes and
the black bag, had been trying to in
troduce himself into the conversation
for some time. Somebody had been
talking of the English remittance man.
"Speaking about Englishmen," said
the worn man, nearly all I've known
were down on their luck. Claude Pom
sonby Smythe was the exception, for
he had slews of money and got
job as his valet. He said to me one
morning: Thompson, pack my
trunks. We are going to Alaska for
bears
eve had our sleigh loaded down be-
low the plimsoll mark when we set
out along the trail. Among other
things l had packed up a half case
of brandy and dozen bottles of soda,
for Mr.. Smythe relished a brandy and
soda now and then. We'd been along
the trail week looking for bears,
when one night Mr.. Smythe says to
me:
Thompson, think could do with
b. and S. mixed strong. BY the way,
Thompson, notice that whenever I
order a brandy and soda or whisky
and soda, the soda's beastly sweet
"By May We were frozen in in
snow hut on the upper Palaloosa. All
this time We had been travelling up the
stream, hoping to float down with the
spring tides, but the ice never melted,
and we were at our wits end for food.
And all our dogs had died. But the
worst blow was when our lime juice
gave out.
Gentlemen said the worn man,
meditatively regarding his empty
glass, did any of you ever suffer from
scurvy? Lime or lemon juice are the
only things that will cure you. And
all our lime and lemon juice was gone.
l didn't get the disease bad, but the
Englishman was awful.
Thompson, get me some lime
juice at once says he, thinking he
was in his club, his mind, so to speak,
wandering.
every good. sir replied, going
down to the Palaloosa to look for
The Virginia enterprise., 1909-07-23

stage and continues to weep on the
stage as she advances slowly toward
her fathers throne.
"Are you adamant. father?' asks
she.
THAT isn't my name, but that's
what am" he answers in deep, rough
tones that cause shudders to go
through the slaves who are sprinkled
around the stage just for scenic ef-
feet.
But, father, I do not love anyone"
says Terliapoolah.
Don't talk to me of love. What
I wish is for you to marry Count
Oopilapah. He comes of a splendid
family, and this line must be carried
on, love or no love. Either marry him
to-day or become real outcast."
She exits, her father looking un-
compromising.
The second act is laid in some up-
to-date eastern country. haven't de-
cided just where it is to be, but it's
a place where they know all about
aeroplanes.
King Oppertywapperty is discovered
sitting under a canopy viewing a half
dozen real lions fighting, noisily.
To him comes his son, very defect
ed looking. He attempts to speak.
II can't hear you, Corofabah," says
the king. Here, haul those lions off. -
The Virginia enterprise., 1909-07-23
Terrible Pest to Travellers and Ma
tives In the Northland.

~ No account of travel in Labrador
can be complete without some men,
tion of the terrible pest of mosquitoes.
These were always present in i'm.
mense sWarms from the beginning Of
our trip to the end, and sometimes
they made life almost unbearable.
Nothing could be heard but their buz-
zing. Whenever we attempted to eat
they were down our throats and in
our eyes and faces and in spite Of our
head nets and fly dope we were always
badly bitten. The natives seemed to
mind them almost as much as We did,
their remedy being rancid seal oil. 4
am satisfied that were one SO unfortu-
nate as to be ,canght out at night
without protection, he would be either
crazy or dead by morning.
Our tents were provided with q fine
mesh bobbinet inner tent, but some
swonlds always ss:fad their inside,
Or ce>me up from the ground. At times
The Virginia enterprise., 1909-07-23

Once upon a time, dearly beloved,
there was man who was always be-
moaning the fact that times and peo-
pie are not what they used to be.
One night he sat in his library, near
the IL feet of Thackeray and
Dickens, waiting for his wife to come
downstairs and drag him away from
his happy home to theater. Sitting
there, he laid his head back on the
cushioned top of the easy chair and
mused sadly upon the rapid deteriora-
tion of the world.
Suddenly there was a whizz and a
whirr, and cute little fairy stood be-
fore him, waving wand.
What is it?' asked the man.
ASK what you WISH" replied the cute
little fairy, giving her gossamer skirts
toss. ASK what you wish. l am
your good fairy, and am here to grant
your Wishes"
my WISH" sighed the man. my
wish! Give me an old-fashioned wife
-one of the noble women who helped
uprear and construct the lasting fab
ric of civilization, and"
The fairy had waved her wand and
was gone, and peal of silvery laugh.
ter tinkled into silence as she left.
Later that night, the man having
had occasion to remain at his club for
some time, he let himself in at the
front door with due caution and 81.
The Virginia enterprise., 1909-07-23
Earthquake on Schedule,

Speaking of the recent visit of the
duke of Connaught to Italy specially to
convey condolences to the government
on account of the disaster at Messina,
2 correspondent in Black and White
writes: when, with the duchess, the
duke was visiting Japan some years
ago he remarked to his host at table,
when the program for his visit was
put before him: We'll, think you
have planned everything connected
with this country there is to see, but
he added, laughing, there is one thing
you cannot put on your program, and
that is an -earthquake.' Hardly had he
spoken, however, when the house be:
gan to tremble violently, and the serv-
ants standing at the door bowed to-
gether as the host said: Your high
ness, the honorable earthquake!'
The Virginia enterprise., 1909-07-23

Here is the scenario Of a play that
I mean to write when I"have time to
do it. A play is not like story that
can be dashed of on typewriter in
a few minutes. Playwriting-play-
writing that really produces master
pieces-takes time, and am so busy
these days that it sometimes looks as
If all the masterpieces would be writ
ten before l began mine.
The first act is to be laid In some
faraway cline that will admit of
handsome and expensive scenery.
Old King Bismillah is on his throne
when the curtain goes up. He is a
hard-looking customer with an Twill
be-obeyed chin.
Enter the beautiful princess, Terlia-
poolah. She has been weeping OF
The Virginia enterprise., 1909-07-23
Express Yourself.

Express yourself. If your railroad
crowds its passengers by putting on
an insufficient number of cars, let
each crowded passenger write can
did expression of opinion to the pas
senger agent. If your trolleys are
crowded, don't lazily submit-express
yourselves. Not to each other, but to
the man who is running things Make
it hot for him. He fs there to serve
you. Don't be gentle sheep and bleat
conteItedly when You are herded to-
gether. Be goets, and butt in. Ee-
forms are never anything but the fruit
of a strong popular expression. -
Charles BattelI 1.oomis.
The Virginia enterprise., 1909-07-23
Rattle Prize He Did Not Want.

Rattle Prize He Did Not Want.
A rattle for a Japanese kimono at q
Florida winter resort for the benefit
of local charity brought more mon
ey to the good cause than the scheme
contemplated and created much
amusement. ITO be worn by the win
ner at the tea party in this hotel next
Wednesday," was plainly written on
the fly leaf of the book in which the
chances were recorded. The winner
was q middle-aged widower. who had
taken chance for his daughter, but
had written his own name opposite
the number in the book. Whether by
chance or design, no one except the
drawing committee knew, the only
mans name on the list won the prize,
and pleasure was turned to embar-
rassment when the lucky man was in
formed as to the obligation to which
he had placed his name. He had to
purchase q substitute. who turned the
money into the fund, and the garment
was again rafned, but no mans name
appeared on the list - ss,--~s 80 : -
The Virginia enterprise., 1909-07-23
THE MOSQUITO IN LABRADOR

our light so attracted them we went
outside to see IL it were not raining.
for the constant tapping of the mosqui.
toes against the canvas sounded 80
exactly like rain that it was impossible
to tell the difference.
On many nights had to give up
the observation Of stars for latitude
and longitude because a candle could
not be kept lit long enough to adjust
the artificial horizon. We unfortunate.
y had no chimney and the mosquitoes
swarmed so thickly that without fhta
protection the fame was quickly
smothered. There were but fev
nights cool enough to AFFORD us anv re-.
lief; We found that It required tenn.
perature within few degrees Of actn.
al freezing to subdue them.-Forest
and Stream.
The Virginia enterprise., 1909-07-23

Anyone can write the last act. OF
course Terliapoolah wanders around
In the desert until she is nearly dead
with hunger, and not an owl wagon in
sight. Suddenly speck in the sky.
It grows larger and larger, comes
nearer and nearer the earth, and at
last dips gently down, and out of the
aeroplane steps Prince Corofabah.
It's love at first sight. He asks her
hand, is accepted, they go to see her
father, who likes the prince, settles
half the kingdom on his daughter, and
then they 60 to see King Opperty.
wapperty, who hands out a million
dollars. Two kings are satisfied, two
lovers are overjoyed, and II you want
you may have a tableau showing a
wedding with all the slaves and liona
given the freedom of the city.
It's a corking idea for a play, and
when I have time I'm going to write
it; so hands of, please.
Copyright. 1909, by w. q. Chapman.)
The Virginia enterprise., 1909-07-23
A Plot for a Play
By Charles Batteli Loomis.

The cage containing them is pulled of
stage and the young man bends on his
knee and says: Father, cannot mar
ry Porsonobah. She is good looking
but shrewdish. l wish for a happy
married life or else l would rather be
a bachelor"
Then leave me at once. You need
not marry her, but unless you marry
some one will cut you off with a mat
ter OF SO Ira. If you bring a suitable
wife l shall settle dowry of a mil
lion dollars upon her in American
money"
II never saw the woman l could
love-" says his son, and starts of
stage. Il am going aeroplaning, IA.
ther. I may never come back
Don't be foolish, my son. Go get a
wife, and all will be WELL"
The Virginia enterprise., 1909-07-23

some. might as well have looked
there as anywhere else. The ice had
broken at last, and the spring fresh
cts were pouring their floods into thu
upper river. Presently saw some
thing floating along the river among
the foes, and l reached out with 4
long stick and guided it in.
"Gentlemen, 1t was that identical
case Of lemon soda which the Eng
lishman had pitched of the sledge al
the beginning of our Journey.
"'Would lemon juice do as well
sir?' says 1, going in to Mr.. Smythe.
"'Thank you, Thompson he an
swered, just as If he was in his club
"'And little brandy to flavor it, II
I might make so bold says I.
"'Yes, Thompson he says, so weak
ly that the tears came into my eyes
Il watched him drink down that
brandy and soda, and l saw him fall
into a calm, peaceful sleep. And gen
tlemen, that sweet lemon soda saved
our lives. We built raft and floated
back to civilization, bringing with us
IL magnificent bearskins."
Hold hard" said the barman. "Did
you not say that you had been travel
ing up the Palaloosa? Now, If the
case was dumped out on the ice and
then you went on up the stream, how
do you account for It's floating against
the current?"
That's easy" answered the worn
man. ''You see one Of them bottles
was leaking. Well, the gas In that
soda was so powerful strong that /,
overcame the drift of the current and
effervesced it's way up stream. We
saved a bottle and had it analyzed on
our return, and it appeared the manu-
facturers had accidentally put in some
chemicals which did the work. Mr.
Smythe built factory, and is turning
it out by the million. I have a sample
here-Smythe's Perfect Soda-and II
I can put you down for a half dozer
cases"
The worn man ceased. Then h<
described a parabola over the SWING
door and landed exactly in the cen
ter of the street.
Copyright, 1909, by W. q. Chapman.)
The Virginia enterprise., 1909-07-23
Hotels and Food In Argentina.

Hotels and Food In Argentina.
There is an abundance of hotels and
pensions in Buenos Ayres and, al.
though some Of these are exceedingly
dear, good accommodations can be
had for about the same prices as in
larger American cities. While the
food, in general, cannot be called bad.
the heating facilities of the hotels
are miserable. This Is all the more
to be lamented as tho winter months,
June to September, are quite cold
here. The so-called steam heat of the
larger hotels, which, by the way, is in
stalled only in the corridors, is moth
ing more than a farce, and the small
kerosene stoves which one may or
der for his room against good extra
pay are insufficient to counteract the
cold drafts from doors and windows
From Buenos Ayres Letter to the
Chicago Daily News.
The Virginia enterprise., 1909-07-23

loud to herself) *come between me
and happiness"
At last a plan entered her head: it
was too daring to put into immediate
action. She couldn't weigh the con-
sequences, for she could form no idea
what they might be; but she had to
wait for her most courageous frame
Of mind, and her husbands absence.
Both, in time, came simultaneously,
and she went forth armed with a
hammer to do the deed. She wished
she could have laid hands on i pickax.
She crept quietly into tho motor
house (she couldn't get rid of the feel
ing that the thing could hear and see),
opened the bonnet with decision, and
hammered on the hapless engine, in
discriminatory, till she was weary.
Then, with hatpin she punctured the
tires.
Having done this a feeling of ocn.
tent took possession Of her; not, it
must be admitted, unmixed with
alarm at which might ensue when the
paragon returned.
1t was not long before he came
home. Truth to tell, he was never long
away from her.
Nothing was lacking in his greet.
ing; but then, of course, he had hot
discovered her black deed.
Days went by, and still no mention
Of what was always uppermost in her
thoughts. At last, she felt she must
start the subject.
You've not motored much lately,
DEAR" she ventured.
NO." he said. The poor cab is do
| cidedly hors de combat"
Had puncture?" she interjectcd.
He laughed. "Several;" then he
grew serious. II didn't know l had
an enemy in the world, but I must
have. And the wretch, whoever he
may be, has spent good half-hour at
least smashing the poor old machine.
If he's done it to spite me. the mans
fool; he's only given me the JOY OF
buying new car
why didn't you tell me before?"
she asked, with as much composure as
she could muster.
well, I've put the police ON his
track, and l thought it might alarm
you to feel I've got an enemy who suf.
fers from vindictiveness. But there's
no cause to worry, dear; they'll soon
find him."
"Or her." she said And then she
fell to weeping.
He cursed himself for having told
her so much, and tried to comfort her.
Suddenly she dried her tears.
II did It," she said. 4 was Jealous
Of the car, because you were so fond
of it, and because you called it She
She ended with a sob.
The reason didn't strike him as q
good one, but he'd have felt the same
if she'd had no reason at all.
"Good-by to cars" he said; "1'N
never have another. But you mustn't
mind, Betsy, If take your clocks to
pieces sometimes. l must tinker with
something"
She kissed him.
1--WE got the best. husband in tho
world" she said. Tomorrow we 60
to town to purchase a car"
He smiled.
"You sleep on that, you may have
changed your mind about it in the
morning; but one thing is sure, IL ever
have another, I'll a1lude to it as
It, Why, you silly child. there's only
one She in the world"
Betsy was once more happy.
The Virginia enterprise., 1909-07-23
Stupid Remark Made Trouble.

Stupid Remark Made Trouble.
A Paris police station was invaded
the other day by a young lady, an old
gentleman, a small dog and the con-
ductor and "a passengers of an omni-
bus. The old man had been sitting
next to the young lady, who had the
small dog in her mutf. Il would give
half my fortune" he said, Ito be in
your little dogs place" 1T would be
the right place for you" said the lady,
for am taking him to have his ears
cropped" Her reply led to high words,
and the passengers Joined in, free
fight ensued, and the entire party went
to the police station, where all the
names, including that OF the dog, were
duly noted. The omnibus had to wait
for its conductor, and arrived at its
destination two hours late.
The Virginia enterprise., 1909-07-23
Anger as 4 Virtue.

Anger is one of the sinews ct the
soul; he that wants 1t hath MANNED
mind, and with Jacob, sinew-shrunk IN
the hollow of his thigh. must needs
halt. Nor il it good to converse with
such as cannot be angry, and, with the
Caspian sea, never ebb nor flow. This
anger is either heavenly, when one =
offended for God, or hellish, when
offended with God and goodness, 4
earthly in temporal matters, which
earthly anger may also be .helnsh, 81
for no cause, mo great cause, too. hot
or too long.-Thomas Fuller.
The Virginia enterprise., 1909-07-23

Letting the Other Fellow Worry.
What will you do when racing is
suppressed" r
Il don't know" answered the book
maker, "but I'll get on some way. My.
observation is that people with easy
money to distribute will always find
some way Of handing it to u.s.
The Virginia enterprise., 1909-07-23
Strange RegimentaI Customs.

Strange Re8IHehtAJ Cu4to1W3.
A peculiar custom obtains in an
English regiment, the Twelfth Ian.
cers-the playing of the Vesper hymn,
the Spanish chant( and the Russian
national hymn every night after the
Last Post has sounded It is said that
the playing of the Vesper hymn origi-
mated in one of the officers wives pre-:
senting the regiment with a new set
of instruments on condition that the
hymn be played every night. The
playing of the Spanish chant is as a
penance for the sacking of a convent
during the Peninsular war. No rea-
son is assigned for the playing of the
Russian national anthem.
The Virginia enterprise., 1909-07-23
Visitor to Boston Realized the Truth
Of All He Had Read.

He was a middle-aged man, and he
stood, with umbrella tucked under his
arm, in front Of the old South church
in Boston, chuckling away as If he
had just thought of something particu-
larly humorous.
What are you cachinnating about,
nv friend?" asked one of Boston's
finest
"Hey?" demanded the man with the
umbrella, blankly.
Il inquired the cause Of your un-
seemly cachinnation," repeated the po-
Ncoman.
"Oh, forgot this was Boston. I
reckon you mean laughing, don't you?
Well, I'm cackling over lot of funny
pieces l read years ago in the comic
papers about Boston's crooked streets.
1 had never been in Boston then,
and didn't know they were funny
the pieces, mean. = hadn't realized
ct the time that ! was laying up q
The Virginia enterprise., 1909-07-23
Just What He Wanted.

Reporter many were in at.
tendance at that ward caucus you held
the other night? :.z,
" Politician-Why. ! can give You only
q rough estimate, but, ssSs&5z,S s.: S..s
Reporter-That's exactly what I'm
after. How many roughs were there?
The Virginia enterprise., 1909-07-23
The One Execution.

The One Exception.
"You say your insurance proposition
is one of the best ever?"
"Yes, SIR"
young man, you interest me. You're
the first of the 4,126 agents I've met
this year whose proposition wasn't
positively the best."-Kansas City
Times.
The Virginia enterprise., 1909-07-23
The choise 10 Ones Own,

The choise 10 Ones Own.
Some persons assimilate only what
is ugly and evil from the same moral
circumstances which supply good and
beautiful results-the fragrance of
celestial flowers-to the daily life of
others.-Nathaniel Hawthorne.
The Virginia enterprise., 1909-07-23
African "eutter Tree.n'

African "eutter Tree"
: The butter tree grows in Central
Africa. From the kernel of itss.nut
e obtained nice rich butter, Which
may be kept year Of mor1 . :@
The Virginia enterprise., 1909-07-23
The Good Old Times
Bv Wilbur p. Nesbit.

lence, and, to his great surprise, he
was met by his wife.
She carried lamp in her hand, she
wore a white garment. and her golden
The Virginia enterprise., 1909-07-23

brella was still standing there, chuck
ling softly to himself.
The Virginia enterprise., 1909-07-23

"Give Me An Oid-Fashioned Wife,"
locks were knotted into a thousand
weird shapes by means of little pa
pers.
She grasped him firmly by the ear,
led him into the parlor, and demanded
of him an explanation.
The Virginia enterprise., 1909-07-23
When Time Stops.

When Time Stops.
First IDIOT dropped my = watch
and 1t stopped. -
Second IDIOT Well did you expect
It to go through the noor ?-Hafv vard
Lampoon.- .@.... u. :;
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-29

COMMERCE, of Development, moving
onward and upward despite the cease
less cross current, which no literary
mariner, cruising in these uncharted
waters, can understand.
Those who know it best and have
some skill in writing as we'll as some
understanding ore so overwhelmed by
its endless complications, it's infinity
of contradictions. its astonishing good
ness and its frightful depravity, the
battling mystery of it's wonderful hui
manness and its fantastic mystery,
that they do not dare attempt to write
even what they know. Only one man
in all literature could have interpreted
the Bowery-and Balzac is dead
Most of us know the Bowery through
fugitive newspaper sketches and fear
some lurid melodramas. The sketches
present certain phases more or less III
diligently, but the melodramas are
weird burlesques, unworthy even of
being scoffed at, so far as any consid-
GRAFTON of truth is concerned But
these cheap melodramas. endlessly re-
peated have built up fiction that has
come 10 be accepted as the reality
E"erybcdy's Magazine.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-29
Teaching the RovaI Salute.

Crossing the deck of the Kaiser VIII.
helm III. royal yacht With Il large mug
of beer in his hand, one of the sailors
was startled by the sudden appearance
Of his royal master. He made most
clumsy attempt to salute with his free
hand, while his anxiety to prevent the
beer splitting amused his majesty.
'I.ook here" said the latter, "you
didn't do that right. Let Inc show you
how it ought to be done" Telling the
man to fancy that he was the en-.
peror, who was to be snl,itcd, the kai
ser took the mug and rctreatcd few
PAGES. Then. coming forward again.
stopping opposite to the sailor, lie held
the mug to his lips. drained 1t. put II
down on the deck and gave the salute
with military precision. CHATS the
way to do It," lie remarked to the as.
tonished seaman. Now go down.
stairs and tell them to fill the mug up
again and give you one for yourself.
Say it was l who drank It,"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-29
Thu MilIera.

IF YOU want to hear some guessin.
wide of the mark ask some one what
he would think might be the third
most common name in New York
city" says the New York Sun. "The
probability is the correct answer will
never be made unless some one has
happened to alight on some such bit
of information. The fact is that. ac-
cording TO the best available authori.
ties the name Miller ranks third
Smith holding first place and Brown
second. 1t seems almost incredible,
but as Il matter of fact the name Mil.
Ter stands we'll to the head of the list
OF names most frequently met with
in the four largest cities in the coun
try. 1t stands second in Philadelphia
third in New York city ard fourth in
Chicago. while the name Jones is way
down in the list, holding the eleventh
place in New York city and the thir-
tcenth in Boston, with such names as
Clark, Williams, White and other
names never considered common pre-
ceding it,"