Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1909-07-30
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T. ATKINS, PREvARicAToR.
How Deity He Tries to Escape the
CO.'S CHS.

How Deity He Tries to Escape TIT
cos CHS.
When Tommy Atkins has Temporal
rily forsaken the paths Of Righteousness
and finds himself either a prisoner a
large" or, worse still, in the guard
room, he casts about for an excuse
saws Answers. 1t Is so difficult to hi
upon one that has the charm Of novel
ty. They have all been used before.
Then there is the temperament o.
the commanding officer to consider
Some cos appreciate a clever, plau'
sible yarn; but to others, when th'
stereotyped question Is put, "Wha
have you to say, Gunner Smith?" 1t Ii
the safest plan to answer, Nothing
sir?'
Probably his offense or crime" a.
it is invariably designated in the SER
vice, is a paltry one. He should have
been in barracks by tattoo, not being
the proud possessor Of a permanent
pass, and he did not manage to arrive
until midnight. Perhaps, instead o'
coming in by the gate N the orthodox
manner, he climbed the wall, and was
detected in the act. He will be charg-
ed with Absent from tattoo roll-cal
until II D. M, and Breaking into
barracks"
One ingenious private, who was &C.
cused of these hideous crimes, caused
his cos hair to stand on end by
pleading that he was afraid to waker
the sentry"
There was a private Of the Royal
Army Medical corps who certainly did
hit upon an original excuse, though II
did not have the happy effect he doubt
less anticipated. He was stationed al
Netley hospital, which faces South
ampton Water, and obtained a leave
to proceed to the Isle Of Wight. The
leave expired, but our "Linseed Ian
GER" did not return. When he did
eventually turn up, he was, Of course
put under arrest The case was dis
posed Of by Major Blank, who almost
had a fit when the gallant orderly
stated:
IF you please, sir, missed the
boat, and had to walk home!"
Seven days c. b." thundered the
major, when he recovered his breath.
A dashins Hussar, whose offence
was a mere matter Of having been five
minutes late for parade, offered the
following defense:
"Sir, I was passing the married quar-
ters at three minutes to ten, sir, when
somebody in the quarters started a
gramophone off, sir. 1t played God
Save the King sir, and had to stand
to attention till it finished. 1t played
the tune through three times without
stopping, sir, and consequently I was
late for parade. And that's the honest
truth, sir!"
Then there is the story Of the Irish
man, who had been awarded eight
days C. B. for having looked upon the
wine when it was red, or the beer
when it was brown. Pat knew per-
fectly we'll that a sentence Of anything
over seven days meant a regimental
entry on his defaulter sheet, with the
loss Of his good conduct badge, and at
that time this involved also the loss
Of a penny per diem. A rapid bit OF
mental arithmetic told Pat that a PEN
ny a day meant three hundred and
sixty-five per annum-over 80 shil-
lings. And the c. o. was in the very
act of recording on paper, Eight days
confined to barracks"
The pen was not a good one, and
1t stuck.
"Try If it will make a seven, sorr,' u
the culprit exclaimed.
A young soldier was guilty Of the
folly Of Dragging Of his
prowess as a horseman, and this in q
room full Of veterans, who had spent
the greater part Of their service in the
saddle. He boasted that he could ride
anything on four legs.
Needless to relate, he found himself
detailed to take the very worst horse
in the squadron on to riding school
next morning, and the kindly atten-
tions Of the roughrider, who tickled up
his restive steed with long whip,
resulted in his being deposited in the
tan.
81 thought you could ride anything
on four legs?" the roughrider said,
with a grin.
1T was not his fore legs that both
cred me-" said the youngster ruefully,
but 1 had no idea he was so handy
with his hind onesi"