davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Salt Lake herald-Republican. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1909-1918, 1909-12-02
SPEAKING OF FUN.

All the papers published the state
ment. last Thursday or Friday-or both
that some one had sent a mighty
mince pie to President Taft, and it
never reached the White House. That
is a pretty dry bit of news, any way
YOU look at it-unless you have a sense
of humor. One writer had it. And he
managed to get twelve hundred words
Of fun on the telegraph wire, and sent
it to the New York Sun.
He received the rather vapid notion
that Sherlock Holmes had been set
upon the task of finding where that pie
went and the rather better notion that
Little Jack Horner was the criminal
With that as his basis, he wove as
funny a story as ever has been read so
soon after Thanksgiving.
telegraph costs about a cent a word,
and this contributor probably got TWEEN
ev dollars a column for his effort.
A little while ago Samuel Blythe told
the students at Purdue university that
| if they wanted to do newspaper work
/ they better cultivate the habit of funny
/ writing. Here, in the story of the Pres
idents pie and what became of it, we
have an apt confirmation Of the Blythe
idea.
There will be no attempt to reproduce
any portion Of the telegram. Just ac-
cept the decision. If the New York sur
paid for it, it is good. And, if you want
to write-for newspapers or anything
else-try to conjure a smile on the face
of your reader.
The Salt Lake herald-Republican. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1909-1918, 1909-12-02
CORN Is KING AGAIN.

In view of the wonderful report Of
the secretary of agriculture, there can
be no question farming pays. Corn is
king. It brings as much money this
year as wheat and cotton combined,
Wheat is a dollar a bushel, and corn
rules at a like inviting price.
But in spite of the tremendous ad-
vance Of production on the farm, the
increase in the crowd that has to be fed
is even greater.
Don't be alarmed. There is plenty Of
demand for food stuffs. There is album
dant guaranty for the farmer.
Get the land. Reclaim it. Make II
produce. You will assuredly get sale
for all you grow. tits the safest, the
most independent, the most necessary
and the best rewarded of any business
in which men can engage.
The Salt Lake herald-Republican. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1909-1918, 1909-12-02
DOESN'T AMAZE HIM.

Here is rather an interesting bit Of
verse. Most people are conscious when
they first see the ocean, or Niagara
falls, or other famous object, that il
does mot come up" to expectations.
That is a very common experience.
Ir a little volume Of verses by one
]. G. Neihardt occurs the lines that viii
be understood:
And this is the dreamed-of wonder!
This-at last-is the sea!
Billows of liquid thunder
Vocal immensely!
But where is the thrill of glory
Born of a great surprise?
This is the Old old story;
These are the ancient skies.
Child of the prairie expanses,
Often the soul Of me
Hungered for long sea-glances;
And heTe-at last-is the sea.
YOn goes a sea gull flying;
There is a sinking mast;
This is the ocean cryingi
This is the rune Of the Vast!
/ But out in my mother country,
/ Ever since / was born.
| This is the song my brother Winds
! Sang In the fields Of corn.
! And there, in the purple midnights
/ Sullen and still with heat,
/ This is the selfsame dTOne that ran
over the heading wheat,
It isn't because the soul Of the observ.
er is too small to sense the marvels Of
the sea. Shallow minds never come Il
feel the influence Of the oceans great
ness, or the splendor Of Niagara, or tn,
| majesty of the mountains. Men VIII,
can write such verse as that presented
above will fail to get perspective a
first glance. The ocean will not i'm
press. and there will be a clingint
memory Of the bigness Of nature "a
home" There is something akin t
Ipathos in the certainty with which tn
memory Of other scenes persists agains
1 the influence Of this later and mightie
picture.
The big soul viii rise to the measur
Of even the oceans immensely as tn
hours and the days go by. There Wi
be no loss of fealty to the fields and tn
prairies and the skies Of back home,
but there will be the addition of >
mightier picture; the broadening of tn
gallery in which the canvases Of mem
DRY are carried; the enrichment Of a
! life by the fellowship Of the sea.
The Salt Lake herald-Republican. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1909-1918, 1909-12-02
WOMEN BURY CAESAR.

Some member Of the Chicago Trib- /
une staff broke into the new rooms Of
the College club in the Fine Arts build
ing of that town, the other night, and
witnessed a play in which a company
composed entirely of college girls gave
an entirely original rendition of the
IamentabIe tragedy of Julius Caesar"
And then the member Of the Tribune
staff went down to the Office and told
all about it,
The play must have been very inter-
esting-not to say diverting. 1t is a
perfect shame to have closed the doors
against the thousands Of common peo-
pie who would have been glad to pay
money for the pleasure of seeing those
/ college girls in their masquerade.
For they didn't take much to the no
ton that" Caesar" is a tragedy. They
laughed at it. Indeed, they sang their
lines. Instead Of that scene in the SEN
ate chamber where one Of the con-
spirators pleads approximately for the
life Of his banished brother, these gay
girls sang, to the tune Of Goodbye,
Ny Lover Good-bye" the following
lines:
We brought you here on a false pretense'
| GOOd-by, dear Caesar, good-py!
You wouldn't have come if you'd had any
Good-by,' dear Caesar, -good-byl
For here you must die o!
With a hey diddle heigh o.
Prepare then to die, o!
| GOod-by. dear Caesar, gO0d-Dy-
And Caesar himself departs a trihe
from the conventional manner Of doing
the play, for as he Its there along the
feet of Pompey's statue, he lifts up his
voice. and, in spite of the recumbent
position, manages to get some music out
Of:
Here am I waiting for the hearse,
Waiting for the hearse, waiting for the
heaTse.
don't see how it could be any worse!
How they did upset me!
The tune to which will be recognized
by every reader.
There was a rather good passage be-
tween Calphurnia and Caesar just when
he persists in going to the senate, in
p different to the warnings of his wife
and all other good prophets:
Ali the sOOthsayers have told you
. To beware the ides of March;
| And besides your robes need WaShlng-
We're entirely out of starch.
To which great Julius replies in song
If this upbraiding does not cease,
| / vow that I viii seek release.
~ I know where 1 can find some peace.
: III Join the suffragettes.
Y There isn't any too much fun in thu
world. These girls have added some
what to the total Of entertainment. The,
didn't care a copper that the public wa
T. deprived of the play. They didn't do i
s for money. They don't need money
e They have plenty of that. But they di'
want a good time, and they had it. AM
p the little company of women they invit
K ed. it is TO be hoped have sense enough
l. to carry the laughing memory Of
It through the rest of their natural lives
a Because so many Of the people VIII
d can afford to be funny don't know how
The Salt Lake herald-Republican. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1909-1918, 1909-12-02
LIVE BABIES FOR "THE
VIRGINIAN."

As a play "The Virginian" is hardly
what might be called new in Chicago.
But the latest exponent Of that heroic
character has devised a feature which
should draw" You remember the pas
SAGE where all The ranChers come with
their families to the dance, and where
the Virginian and Shorty mix up the
babies? Wen, this Chicago genius has
real babies for that scene. They have
had a time getting babies that will be
good while being good is the cue, and
that win cry like fun when the time for
crying comes. Mothers with babies
warranted to obey the prompter have
been trooping up to the stage door with
their offspring in their arms for the
past ten days. And the public is having
a. lot Of fun looking forward to a new
feature in the play.
Which is all very well if they work 1t
right, Those babies must not cry while
the mothers are carrying them out after
the ball Every mother in the audience
will know in a minute that the cry of q
strange baby in her arms would strike
her ear with suspicion in an instant
1t might be very funny to have ten oil
twelve babies crying all at once
drowning the rebuke which the school
ma'am administers TO The Virginian
But one misstep in the time when cry
ing shall be permitted-and every ma
iron in the house viii sniff her con
demnatiOn
You might so wrap up a baby that it
own mother would not know it so Ions
as it slept. But don't have that babl
cry if YOU don't want it tumultuousl!
rejected.
The Salt Lake herald-Republican. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1909-1918, 1909-12-02
No Draw FIRsT RLooD9

So that your Uncle Joe Cannon can
light a fresh cigar, and point with his
match hand to the Sixth congressional
district Of Illinois, and ask whether he
or the fellows who were going to get
him wins first blood"
It viii be remembered that the Re
publican opponent of Monkey, the reg
ular nominee. declared himself unal-
terably against the speaker OF the
house. He was going to be elected, and
when he went to Washington It would
be with the credentials Of an anti-Can-
non electorate in his pocket. He was
going to beat Moxley because Monkey
had declared for Cannon, and the people
The Salt Lake herald-Republican. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1909-1918, 1909-12-02

are doing, and who know there is no
wrong in it. The silly and far from
handsome white woman never viii get
into a severer contrast than when she
stood between two Samoan women and
had herself photographed. In feature
dress, countenance, xpression-every-
thing, she is vastly at disadvantage.
Some kind friend of Mrs. London-if
she have one-should destroy that pic
tire
The Salt Lake herald-Republican. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1909-1918, 1909-12-02

Former Secretary Gage is good and
a pleasant man. He never stole a dol
lar in his life, and he doesn't believe
anv other nice man would do it. That
is the reason, when charges were made
against the head Of the sugar trust
that he sent the accusation to the ac-
cused. In the light of that confession
one wonders how Mr.. Gage accumulated
enough money to get married on.
The Salt Lake herald-Republican. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1909-1918, 1909-12-02

Now that the Commercial club has
taken I'D the movement for the annex
alton OF the outlying districts to the
citv of Salt Lake, we feel sure the
work will be done. Every one seems
willing. It needed only some active
agency o push forward with a definite
Man.
The Salt Lake herald-Republican. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1909-1918, 1909-12-02

One Indianapolis judge had eight
bank wreckers before him in one after
noon recently. Part Of them he sent to
the penitentiary. The rest he remand
ed for trial. and all of the eight are con-
idently counting on being reunited IN
the LeavenwOrth prison.
The Salt Lake herald-Republican. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1909-1918, 1909-12-02

Critics Of Republican legislation are
inclined to charge the new tariff law
with every advance in price. They
should, therefore, give the party credit
for every reduction in the cost Of liv-
ing. Cranberries were twelve dollars a
barrel last year. They are quoted at
seven dollars a barrel now.
The star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1908-1909, 1909-02-27
Griffith w. Lews, House Majority
Leader, a Chronic Lodge ~Iner
He's a Mason, Odd Fellow,
Pythiau and, in Fact, Almost
Everything Down His Way.

Mr.. Lewis is a manufacturer of shoes
during the time not occupied by lodge
meetings and legislative sessions, car
rying on his Gathers business, into
which he entered when he was is years
old. In the political line he held several
offices before being elected to the AS
sembly. For six years he was a mem
Der of the Burlington City Council, and
for one year was president of that
body. Besides that he served three
years as a member of the County Re
publican Committee, and was then
made chairman of it.
He is also interested in many other
Burlington enterprises, being vice.
president of the Mechanics National
Bank and president of the Burlington
Electric Light and Power Company.
He has been a director in both con
t~inuously for eight years. He is also
one of the incorporators and a director
in the Burlington City Loan and Trust
Company, and at present is n Of the
excise commissioners of his city.
Mr.. Lewis has always been a Repub-
lican n active in politics, n was
an alternate to the national convention
in Chicago last year.
The star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1908-1909, 1909-02-27
NEWARK AM TIE HUDSON CELEBRATION.

If the city OF Newark is to take part in the great celebration next September
OF the discovery of TIL Hudson River b. Hendrick Hudson it will be necessary to
get authorization from the Legislature for the necessary appropriation by the
Common Council Jersey City and other municipalities in Hudson county will
join in the celebration, n the sam act of legislation ca cover a IL first and
seeondciass title. 1t was September 1907 that Hudson, in the Half Moon,
coastng north, entered the great bay and i've destined to immortaHze his name
lie "a looking for China The celebration will begin September 25 and N
hnue for two weeks onehaf of the bay is New Jersey territory, and Newark
bay vas a part of the grat discovery. State an local pride forbid that Man
haitian Island should appropriate to tself the wholec celebration Of a event that
opened u the history of New Jersey an made a "a for the Connecticut
cnlnsts t. breach and settle upon the site IF Newark.
The star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1908-1909, 1909-02-27
POLITICS FIRST. LEoIsLA TON re.

1t is not so much legislation as it is politics that is uppermost at Trenton.
Legislation plays a subordinate part; it furnishes means to n end. There
would not b much friction in the Republican leadership at this time if the
election next year vas not to choose a successor to Governor Fort and elect a
Legislature to choose a successor to United States Senator John Kean. In all
6amas, political and otherwise, there are by-plays, but tin the drama att Trenton
rneans political support or non-suppnt in the coastc counties interested. 10 also
as o an inland waterway. The railroad interests car WELD influence in politics
and hence avoidance Of Suggestions Oh increased railroad taxes. How shall legis-
lafon be shaped, and who shall be its political Beneficiary How shall the
alleged deficit be met? The Governor has his plan, which is lot the plan Oft the
state committee or of the leaders in the Legislature. who are evidently more
farsghted. But I'll calculations look to 1910 and the election that year. Legs-
1aton this inter, so far as leadership is concerned, is secondary and subordi-
The star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1908-1909, 1909-02-27
TEDDY,
TAKE KEER OF
YOURSELF"
B
SAMUEL
HOPKINS
ADAMS

[ETN OOSEVELT is the youngest maj of so I have W. seem. The half
century hasn't slowed him down since 1 first a him, twenty
- eight years ago. in the national convention, With his fighting
turned suddenly toward a delegate from the District of Columbia who
had had the temerty to dispute him. He is young himself and he likes young
men or niddle-aged men with 'steam lin Them around him.. 1t is a safe bet
that he had rather spend an evening with a lot of boys in ar athletic club
Eciadng the relative merits OF the straight left and the right swing than
chatting with somebody from the Smithsonian Institution IN the paleonto-
logical evidences Of evolution. And funny thing about it, he does both.
Il think he goes out of Office with mixed feelings. 1t is not all re-
gret, nor all citation. But it is largely regret. In his own
phrase, he las had "a good time in the White House. But it
hasn't all been pleasant. 1t hasn't been easy to attack in messages and u
in the courts men with whom he had been brought up a a boy in New
York. In ne cas- he had Ito urge the criminal prosecution OF a man to
whom he was deeply grateful and who had dined at his table.
But OF the whole he has had fun. and certainly he has made fun for
most of us. an a whole lot of nervous excitement for the rest don't
want to JakerHs him, but l feel that he will be missed, and 1 al quite
sure that when he takes his gun in his hand and dives into the forestt there
-sMf n-Ameican Magazine FOR March.
The star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1908-1909, 1909-02-27

sTrenton is about 10 miles from TIL Atlantic ocean by the Deawar river
route. but Trenton has dreams of bdng a port for commerce. and why not?
There is an appropriation in the river and harbor bill for dredging the Della
ware, which from Trenton or Bordentovn down wins ome day be a part Of the
great Atlantic inland waterway and have a channel big enough for large ocean
craft. Trenton ropos also to take advantage of the bill Him. the Legislature if
passeda authorizing the construction of municipal docks, and III Riparian Board
has withheld applications for riparian grants on thc river front until Trenton
can be heard from A moderately deepened channel in the Delaware from Tren-
tn to Philadelphia will serve all purposes or the present, and Trenton can then
build her projected locks. The commercial advantages sought 10 not, however
compare with those that are within the grasp of Newark. We arcs almost on the
ocaan. We hav a largeu ndeveioped waterf frontage A shorts ship canal easily
cut across he meadows, will bring the largest ocean steamers to Newark docks
and the earth excavated will convert the meadows into firm upland for ware
hpases, factories, etc Jersey City has been led to see her W great commercial
opportunities on HI east bank of the .EIackensack by the initiative of Newark,
and the FederaIe government will make rive for channels. Newark, the
pioneer in this municipal waterfront development should not tarry' long in her
er4ernrise rF ..t
The star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1908-1909, 1909-02-27

When a Tooth Is Not a Tooth
BY c. p. CONNOLLY.

n N Seattle last year a man was charged with AM tried for practising den-
n tstry without a license. Each particular piece of evidence necessary to
- make out the cas- on the part of the State was proved, except That TN
prosecute having procured h prosecuting witness to exhibit his hotcned
tooth to te jury, either forgot or didn't think it was necessary to ASK nc wit
ness if it vas a natural or IN artificial tooth, n sc lost hiss case seems
the statute made it a msdemeanor to memo a "huma tooth Tor a Zee WITH
tut a license Now the sensible pesunption-the presumption hat men or
passion of peering for 1oopholes-would be that the tooth was natural an
not artificial But if we presumed that the law wouldc cease to be IN exact
science, and many gaping spectators OF the bach benches YOU b. deprived
Of the joy of watching to see which lawyer came out winner in the match OF
wts-Conhers for February. tef -rE&E
The star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1908-1909, 1909-02-27
NEW JERSEYS iTALIAN-BoRN.

The Federal census to be taken ain 1910 will show a very large increase in the
italian born population of New Jersey. In 1900 the censusf figure for the State
was 1875 n 1910 it will be much above 100000. In the last Federal census
the German-born were credited as 119O1 and the irish born as 13eO61 The great
Of anan-born population are essex. Hudson and Passac counties In
Essex the population in 1900 was 2o0S2 IS against 1922 Irsh-born and 2817
Geunan-born. 1t is possible that the new census taken tel years later, will
nationality in the county a it may grow to he in the State at large The largest
i9hux from Italy has taken place sine ue last Federal census In seven other
counties in 1900 there were more Italians than Germans, and in Atlantic county
they exceeded the combined German and Irkh-born. South Jersey has received
many italian. agrfculunsts of late years AS the male adults largely become
naturaHzed, and as they constitute the greater part of the Iahan-born popu-
Iaton the increase has a significance in the politics Of the State.
The star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1908-1909, 1909-02-27
With Official Duties, Business
and Societies He Belongs
To, Is Kept Hustling.

~ RIFFITH w. LEWIS, majority
~ leader of the House, is what
might be called a liner" It's
one of his hobbies. Down in Burling-
ton, where he lives, he's a member of
nearly every society there is and is
looking for more.
His present list reads something like
this:
Vice president of the Mount Holly
Fair Association; th~irty-second degree
Mason and past master of Burlington
Lodge No. 90. F. and A. M; member
of Boudinot Chapter, R. A. M, No. 8;
member of Helena Commandery No. 8.
and member of the Mystic Shrine,s of
Philadelphia: member of Burlington
Lodge No. %. Independent Order of
Odd Fellows; member of Hope Lodge
The star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1908-1909, 1909-02-27
KEEPING OUT THE wATER-sNAKE.

Jersey City las again baned the efforts of the East Jersey Water Company
to enter the city with its mains to steal 100000 annually If the ctya income
from the sale OF water If the Lackawanna Railroad Company could be per
mned % cross under streets in Jersey City without permission from the author-
ties the water snake" would be enabled to crawl through the railroad right of
way. The our TO- decides that the railroad company mas no such right under
its charter. So for the present Jersey City is safe n its event from private
depreciation Meanwhile it is for the attorney general of the State to ascertain
by what right the East Jersey Water Company takes from the Passaic al Little
Falls the stream flow it is peddnng out to private and municipal consumers.
The star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1908-1909, 1909-02-27
COLOR IN THE sTAJe PRISON.

While more than q third of the convicts in the State prison are negroes, the
negro females number 2, as against 20 white female convfcts. The last census
Of the state population shows 1o247s7 white females and only 4O72 cdored
females the latter about 4 per cent OF he whole female population, while the
csntage of negro male convcts is over 5 per- cent OF the male population of the
Dsison, whIeth n percentage of negro males to the whole male population of the
State is about SA per- cent. These are striking percentages that escaped the at
of the State Dependency Crimes Commission.
The star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1908-1909, 1909-02-27
Just Waiting for the Elements

"How's imes?a inquired a tourist.
ooh. pretty toerabe" responded the old native who a lifting OF a
stump Il had some trees to ut down, but a cyclone con- along and saved
me the trouble"
Fine" &.
yes and then the lightning set fire to the brush pile and saved me the
trouble Of burnin' it," ,
"Remarkabh. But what are you doing now?"
"Oh, nothm, much{ lest waftn' for al earthquake to con along and
shake the potatoes out OF the ground -Everybodys Magazine.
The star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1908-1909, 1909-02-27
AT WA sHIN0ToN NEXT WEEK.

National interest will be centerd at Washington next week. Congress will
have fou days for legislation. and little can De done Of practical value except
passing the appropriation bills. The Roosevelt administration will pass into
history or Thursday, AM Roosevelt will hand owe his rerogatves to Taft and
quietly step back inop private citizenship The events leading up 20 his change
in the government will be of cumulative interest. The President-eects in
aaguralw will be eagerly read and studied. The policy OF his administration for
the. next our years will be therein outlined.
The star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1908-1909, 1909-02-27
ON ONE CONDITION.

Meanly-No. sir; I don't believe in
paying fancy prices to have clothes
made to order. Now, here's a suit |
bought ready-made for SO. If I should
tell you I paid SIS for it, wouldn't you
believe it?
/, Knox-I might, if you told me over
the telephone.-Standard and Times
The star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1908-1909, 1909-02-27
HEATING NOTES.

The coal dealer can make things
warm for you, especially if you don't
pay your bills. =;