davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1909-06-12

full rapidity. his coat tails stick out
straight behind or flap up and down. his
fingers clutch the elastic air and troubled
sounds issue from his open countenance-
One of the most laudatoTy and sincerest
comments ever heard in the House was
made on his speech.
by golly. Siss." said colleague. or
words to that effect. you're a wonder.
I'll bet a dollar the President heard your
speech-if his window was OPEN
But enough Of the far past. Let sleep
ing speeches lie. AT the Confederate re-
union in Memphis the other day Mr.. Sis
son further distinguished himself. Every
to speak. that he was going to indorse a
chief of the veterans. or do something
pleasant of that sort. Instead he opened
the oft-disturbed grave in which is buried
that same bloody shirt. He was not sat
isfied with exposing it TO view; he waved
IL round his head. Here is what he said,
in part: .,. e., uo
right in 81 and are right today. You
were not conquered then: you are not con-
quered now.
And the greatest monuments In your
honor are the millions of pensions the
federal government pays to the widows
and orphans your valor made and the
46 900 graves in Arlington cemetery which
the federal government decorates each
Both of May.
LAS long as these monuments are per-
petuated to your honor you need erect no
others"
Evening star., 1909-06-12
"The Muck Raker."
StT LUNCHED at Claridge's in Londt

ttT LUNCHED at Claridge's in London
with Charles Klein, the author of
The Lion and the Mouse" said an actor
on the Cunard pier. Klein was the hero
of the London papers He had got into a
taxicab one morning and said calmly to
the driver. Edinburgh 1t was a trip of
thousand miles-the taxicab record"
The actor coughed.
Naturally. afterward" he said 1.-The
talk turned to advertising. Klein told me
of an interesting case.
''As he was conversins with a manager
one day an evangelist was shown in.
My dear sir said the evangelist to
the manager. Il am taking notes and gath
ering material for lecture on the evils
of the stage. l hear that The Blond
Widow your present attraction. is de-
y-ahem-sensational. May l ask
YOU for ticket of admission. that l may
gauge its immortality personally?
The manager beamed.
Why, certainly, sir: certainly he
cried. and turning to his secretary he
said:
Rutherford. give this gentleman an
order for proscenium box and charge
1t to advertising
Evening star., 1909-06-12

be became a member of the House. which
under the pleasant and all-wiSe dispensa
tionS of Providence. was not very long
ago This is Mr. Sisson'S first term. The
only reason ii is necessary TO pay any at
tenton to Mr. Sisson's most recent out
break is that he figures, on this occa
sion. as one of the busiest wavers of that
ever-ready rag of sectionalsm. the bloody
shirt.
To bark back bit. IL said by
democrats in the House. when the special
session of Congress convened last March
and Mr.. Sisson took his seat. that he was
the original candy kid. the boy orator of
the Bilgewater. the gladstone gasser Of
Goose Creek Twas urged that he could
his fervor and convert a hardsheil Bap-
tions. All this was accepted on trust.
particularly as. when Mr.. Sisson made
his first public appearance in the House,
he was seen to be tall. strapping per-
son.. with an eagle eye. rounded chest
and large hands and feet.
Then came the debate on the tariff bill
and finally the Honorable Watchumay-
callum Sisson got his chance. Twas at a
night session and large numbers of demo-
Gratis remained to hear him break into
the society for the dissemination of hot
air He broke all right. He talked for an
hour and when he got through there
wasn't dry rag on him. His oratory is
of the style that prevailed in select
southern circles before the outbreak OF
the next to last unpleasantness. When
in action his arms revolve with wonder
Evening star., 1909-06-12

several generations, kissing the Theodo-
rian great toe at stated intervals and
keeping his knee hinges we'll oiled for
impromptu and spontaneous genufleXions,
Mr. Tawney. a hard-headed, straight
ing ex-blackSmith and lawyer. pursued
the more or less uneven tenor of his way.
He ventured to disagree with Mr.. Roose-
welt now and then and in the act. had an
exceeding clarity, wherein his way was
right and Mr.. Roosevelts wrong. He
spiked some of the biggest guns in the
presidential battery Immediately upon the
eve of an anticipated popular salute. He
showed up such things. on the part of the
late President, as error, inconsistency and
evasion. In other words, he did not bend
with the breeze. not forgetting but ignor-
ing the fact that that same breeze was
the widest gale of its kind that ever
howled over the fertile places and the
wastes of these United States.
The result. of course. was inevitable.
Every time Mr.. Tawney and the President
had an official disagreement the latter
would reach for his trusty war club of
public utterance and belt James A. over
the head. Sometimes he just broke the
skin. but mostly he raised siZable knots.
And with that same lack of intelligence
referred to previously. every time the
President belted Mr.. Tawney the latter
constituency followed suit. What mat
tered il that the President was usually
wrong and Mr.. Tawney usually right?
What did ii count that. on the show
down, Tawney would have been found
Evening star., 1909-06-12

this country Is being sneered at by Euro
peans with whom they're chumming.
Il don't know which of these two
classes is the more cowardly The tour
ing Americans who openly rap the United
States, without any suggestion or help
on the part of Europeans with whom they
happen to be training, belong to that class
of perfectly obvious snobs who profess to
be ashamed of the fact that they were
born and reared in the United States.
Il couldn't possibly have believed that
such a type Of American existed had
not within the last half year come into
contact with them time and again. |
ought perhaps to add that while ! am not
offensively spread-eaglish or anything of
that sort, it was often about all that |
could do to keep from punching the heads
of some of the males of this species.
1.-THE touring Americans who permit
Europeans to wallop their country with
out any get-back whatever, but who, on
Evening star., 1909-06-12

THAT is for you, you know | said to
her.
THE blood rushed into the girls face
until 1t was almost red as her hair, and
she rushed out of the dining room to the
kitchen with her apron at her eyes, leav
ing me standing there in the dining room
feeling quite fool, or worse.
II went out to the front OF the country
hotel and paid the proprietor for my dim
ner and told him how had unwittingly
made his waiting maiden feel bad. He
was still slapping his thigh over the joke
when 1 got into my buggy. but / couldn't
see the fun of it for quite while.
For quite a period after that l was
bit timid about tipping women walters in
country places. But about half q year
later, at a small hotel in independence.
Mo-. a clean-looking. snub-nosed. pretty
girl waiter took SO much pains to see to
1t that 1 got good breakfast that I re-
solved to take another chance. So. when
l finished my breakfast, I handed her
quarter. She II ok it with the most in
genuous eagerness and blurted out:
Gosh, his is circus day. and now
can stay for the concert after the circus,
too"
Evening star., 1909-06-12
The Cat and the Owl.
11K HETAPHYSICs." said Bishop Ca

HKTETAPHYSICS.'' said Bishop Castle
AvA of Oregon at a dinner in Philo-
math. lis subject that always makes
one think of the cat and the owl.
"A cat. you know, once set forth In
quest of happiness. She wandered up,
she wandered down. She questioned this
animal and she questioned that. Finally.
wrapt In meditation in tree, she per-
ceived an owl.
OWL said the cat, tell me. most wise
bird where happiness is 10 be found.
In meditation the owl replied. 'Medi-
tation is the true secret of happiness
- But said the cat. 'on what subject
am ] to meditate?
'' ON the subject the owl answered,
which has occupied the race of owls since
the beginning of time-namely, Which
came first. the owl or the egg? For. while
the owl comes from the egg, so also does
the egg come from the OWL"
Evening star., 1909-06-12

try; not only standing for them. but
agreeing with them and apoogiZing for
the state of things adverted to. A hit?
l should say noti For the European
rightly considers that man who won't
take up for his own country is a mighty
curious sort of a creature, and that's why
so many Europeans whove met up with
Americans of the type I'm talking about
have reached the conclusion that Amer
leans must be an invertebrate, unpatriot-
ic lot and can there be any reason
able wonder that they reach such a con-
clusiono
Better. far better. / think. for us to
he extensively American on trave's
than apologetically. crawfishily un-Amer-
lean. There's happy medium, of course.
but were too volatile people to be good
at striking happy mediums. Well, then.
rather than be mollusks where our coun-
try Isl concerned, it's better. in my
opinion for us to be aggressvely Amer
lean. That's my view. And it's view
that I myself put into practical operation
on the other side. if only as sort of
personally conducted protest against the
SroveiinS antics of some of the Ameri-
cans over there whom l couldn't help
meeting up with
Evening star., 1909-06-12
SOME MATTRESSES WANT TIPS AND OTHERS DON'T LIKE THEM

She stood at the doorway during dinner
and watched me eat and conversed with
me very agreeably. l happened to be the
only guest in the dining room. and after
/ had eaten a couple Of kinds of pie
for dessert my feeling was strengthened
that that wholesome young Irish woman
was worthy of little reward.
"'Check. please / said to her, on get
ting up from the table.
II could see by the puzzled way she
looked at me that she didn't understand
what l meant by that.
IL want to pay for my dinner, you
know | said.
".Oh,' she said her face frightening,
'yeez pay tn boss-hes sittin' out
front
II pulled a half dollar from my change
pocket and held it out to her. She stared
at it, and then she stared at me. but she
made no move to take the piece of sill
yer.
Evening star., 1909-06-12
The Peripatetic BuqIe.

ETHAT is true. and at the same time
it's false" said Senator Aldrich in
a tariff argument in Washington. In
fact it is like the age of the Bugie.
In boom town in my youth, town
of frame and canvas that had sprung up
almost in night. l said to the grizzled
editor of the Bugle:
How can your paper be in its thirty
fourth year when this town is only six
weeks old?'
Because it's the same old press and
the same old type l started out with
thirty-three years ago. the editor re-
piled. Towns may come and towns may
CO. but the BuGle, Nelson, goes on for
ever -
Evening star., 1909-06-12
IT'S NOT so AWFUL TO BE A FAT MAN

cottolene on your frame IL YOU didn't try
TO eat everything that grew"
Etc. etc. etc.
Then they're all there with suggestions
TO the Fat Man as to how he'd better get
busy and reduce, although the idea OF re-
ducing is something that never enters the
Fat Mans mind unless these Slaminskis
spring it,
Say. you,' suggests one of these busy
ginks to the Fat Man. its wonder you
wouldn't try q little Of that Marathon
stuff for that podderino o. yours. hey
Street car is good enough for me-
amiably replies the Fat Man.
That's all right about what's good
enough for you bullles the funnyist:
1.-The point is that you're nuisance 70
yourself with that big aldermanic pro-
lection sticking out all over the land
scape, not to mention what an unsightly
and inartistic figure you present to the
general view. For, of course, you're a
burden to yourself, amt you?'
Haven't noticed it yet" says the Fat
Evening star., 1909-06-12

the contrary, tacitly agree with the rap
pers and sort of apologize for the
United States, are just about as hard To
tolerate.
Il. at least, found them hard to
endure as the other kind. The Brtisher.
for example, points out in Il SuppoS-
titiously humorous and generally sneer-
ing way to the touring American some
of the things that he has read or heard
about corruption in the American gov
ernmental system.
"'Well, I'm sorry to have to admit it.
but it's true; Too bad, but it's a
fact; Wish l could deny it, but l can't
We're in a bad way back home, and no
mistake'-that's the way l heard heaps
of spineless Americans humble their re-
plies to Europeans. particularly English
men, who threw the harpoon into them
about some badly exaggerated mess of
rot they've got pouched about the United
States, waiting to spring ii on the first
Americans they happen to meet.
Il wondered many times If these apol-
ogetic Americans, who, il seemed to me,
did everything but apologize for Hving-I
wondered if they really imagined that
they were making any kind of hit with
the Europeans by standing for all of
these wallops directed at their own coun-
Evening star., 1909-06-12

Inundated chagrined. perturbed. morti-
fled, and things, in the sight of men. all
because of their fat.
Skinny. sla bsided, string -bean-lIke dups
are the great would-be kidders of Fat
Men.
Every time they meet up with a Fat
Man of their acquaintance they pull some
different twist on the Fat Mans fatness
The favorite twist is to pretend that the
Fat Man IS getting fatter every minute OF
his life.
Say, gosh all fishhooks" says Slabsides
to the Fat Man. when are you going to
quit this thing?'
"Ouit what?' asks the Fat Man know
ing perfectly we'll what Slabsides means.
but willing to humor the emaciated crea-
ture.
why. this swelingup gag o yours.
says Slabsides. grinning chessycatwise
over his funnyisticaneSS. why. say,
you're biggern a B. and o. caboose.
Never saw you SO big. Why, you big
Evening star., 1909-06-12

pretty apt to believe that you are draw
ing the long bow Even If he takes
your word for 1t. such a presentation
absolutely stuns him. and he doesn't
get anywhere near to grasping the
meaning of such big figures
Then. too, the European jumbles up
in his mind the relationship between
the municipal. state and federal forms.
They mean little or nothing to him,
these distinctions.
IF he reads of the municipal rottenness
of Philadelphia or St Louis or Chicago
or Minnea polls he doesn't understand that
this municipal corruption is matter with
which the general government of the
United States has nothing whatever to do.
He hashes the whole thing up in his in
tellectuals. and his inevitable conclusion
is that we're rotten to the core and that
we're just naturally bound to fall
IAN American travelling in Europe-in
any part of Europe-is astOnished to OBJ
Evening star., 1909-06-12

lummox. you'll explode IL you don't look
out.''@
Lost fifteen pounds since I saw you
last" says the Fat Man with perfect
truthfulness.
"Gittout : gdttout.'' derides slabsides.
Don't tell me such bunk. Why. say.
you've got SO jowly that folks can't see
your eyes any more. It's wonder you
can see to walk any more with your
lamps covered up that way with rolls Of
fat"
Don't you care little one" says the
Fat Man, good-naturedly. II feel as fine
as a lumberjack. and that's the main
thing.
"Oh. know all about that howyou-feel
stuff" argues Slabsides. the Jokist, but
that isn't the point. The point is that IL
YOU don't get some of that lard and blub-
ber off your Superstructure. why. the first
thing you know you'll be keeling over
with apoplexy or something. Trouble
with YOU is that you eat too blamed
much"
Don't eat as much as seminary girl,
saws the Fat Man with perfect truthful
ness again.
Next time you go out to lunch just pipe
off the Fat Men in the lunchroom and no
tice how little. they eat in comparison
with the skinny, hatchet-faced. gallery
faced. bean poleish fellows i'm the lunch
room.
LAW, chop that" says Slabsides, impo-
litely. How could you have all o that
Evening star., 1909-06-12

that isn't fat. that is to say.
But the Fat Man does have his trou-
bles all right - troubles to conflagrate.
You ought to try being fat once. Then
you'd find out.
1t isn't that Nobody loves a fat man."
Evening star., 1909-06-12

feet. nearly | am able TO gather,
not having seen the text Of the decision.
that it was the privilege of free and
enlightened constituency TO '.criticise''
the acts of its chosen representative-in
other words. to call him a liar or any
thing else that happened to sound insult
ing or that came handily to the human
tongue.
1t is the custom in this land of ours
to erect monuments to well known folks
after they are vey dead, to meet on the
hundredth so anniversary of their
birth-provided they have been dead long
enough-and pass resolutions and shed
tears. They get their due in history. if
nowhere else and at no other time. From
this cheerful post-mortem custom Mr.
Tawney may derive some consolation al
though it is probable that he will not
have to wait until his shade has become
acclimated to the mists and miasmas of
the StyX in order to see the people among
whom he lives recover from the RoOse-
veltian obsession that has possessed them
of recent years, and honor one who was
not deafened by the big noise or bent
by the manufactured breeze, by belief in
his purity of motive, his patriotism of
endeavor and his intelligent and arduous
labor for the greatest good of the great
est number.
THAT lively and entertaining cocoanut-
thrower. the Honorable Watchumay-
calium Sisson of Mississippi, has distin-
guished himself for the second time since
Evening star., 1909-06-12


undertaking activities of the American
magazines that go in for that sort of
thing.
Nearly everywhere in Europe. from
Paris - ST Petersburg" he said, "I
found general undercurrent of genuine
Evening star., 1909-06-12

wv we are going
TO write a little
piece for the Stah-
yeah = pape about
the Fat Man and
his troubles.
How's that? You
didn't know that
the Fat Man had
any troubles?
Fl u h ! That 9
" II a t everybody
thinks. Everybody
Evening star., 1909-06-12
AMERICANS ARE GREAT "SELF-KNOCKERS'
SPECIAL. agent

SPECIAL agent
) the government,
recently returned
from a prolonged
investigation of
certain industrial
conditions on tie
continent of Eu-
rope, was speak
ing recently of
the effect which
has been had dur
ing recent years
Evening star., 1909-06-12

serve how infallibly every dismal, hys-
terical, uninformed, misinformed or half
informed article printed in the United
States about United States conditions.
municipal, state or federal-how infallibly
these articles are reprinted in European
publications: how they are everywhere
translated and often distorted and butch
cred and made even worse in the trans
lations, and how thoroughly they are be-
lieved in by the great mass of people who
read them.
Were the great self-knockers, We
Americans. I'm beginning to believe that
were the only people in the world who
really hammer our own system of govern
ment.
do you know that there are sleWS and
slathers of Americans who. when travel
ing in Europe, deliberately knock the
United States?s
Now, ] wouldn't have believed that il
] hadn't been by on so many occasions
when it happened. Some of these Ameri-
cans, or so-called Americans, knock their
own country openly and deliberately and
almost studiously. while others knock 1t
by implication; that is, they fail to come
TO the defense of the United States when
Evening star., 1909-06-12
1t isn't that Nobody

The fellow who pulled that line-''Nobody
loves a fat man''-must have been an
emaciated skeesicks. Fat men. as maybe
you've noticed. always get the pick or
the wives. and these wives have peen
known to become. in time, quite part1ai
toward their fat husbands.
But this is beside the point. whatever
that means.
The point is that all hands take 1t as a
perfect matter of course that they re en-
titled to have fun at the expense OF the
Fat Man.
That is to say. they're all there with
suggestions 10 the Fat Man as to what
he'd better do SOS not to be fat any
more.
They entirely overlook the fact that the
great ma ajority of Fat Men like TO be rat
that they enjoy being fat, that their 1at'
far from bothering EN- really tlckies EN-
immensely: and that they rarely. II ever,
entertain the slightest thought dream, OF
ghost of an idea of being. or wanting 10
be. anything else except fat.
The funnyists who like to be funny at
the expense of Fat Men. be 1t repeated,
entirely disregard this fact.
They are possessed OF the idea that Fat
Men mooch up and down the world filled
with despair, gloom and carking misery
over the fact that they are fat: that they
spend all of their waking hours trying to
dope out schemes. systems plans and
methods whereby they can become less
fat; that they're 'shamed of their fat;
Evening star., 1909-06-12

When you tell the average untrav-
eIed European tand ! am not speaking
OF ignoramuses. but intelligent peopleD
that il takes an express train, going at
Top speed. nearly five days 10 travel
from San Francisco 10 New York, he is
Evening star., 1909-06-12


ly trips to New York, and while there
rant in Nassau street. where tidy-looking
girls waited on the table.
Il had been eating at one table at this
restaurant for quite a while, off and on,
with the same girl waiting on me. She
was a very good waiter, always brought
me what j wanted, and never made any
mistakes When she gave me my check
She didn't hover eXpectantly around my
table, either
so. one day. while taking luncheon at
that place. ] fell TO thinking the thing
over. | knew that waiter girls { Int
get much pay. The dress of the young
woman who waited me was habby.
though very clean. She wasn't strong
looking girl either. ] wondered why an
occasional extra quarter wouldn't come
in as handy. II not a good deal handler,
for girl waiter as for man waiter
with, perhaps. an appetite for rum and
an unquenchable belief in his eventual
ability to beat the ponies.
And so, when my young woman wait
er punched my check. l placed a quarter
on the edge of the table cloth and then
THE young woman picked up the quar-
ter with a smile, said Thank you very
much indeed and 1t was all right. I've
never had any hesitation In tipping com.
petent and agreeable-mannered women
walters in any city. including Washing
ton. since then Nor have l ever be-
grudged them the tips I've ,.onded them.
and that's more than I can say as to
heaps Of tips I've given men walters.
/ i
But since | first fell into the way OF
tipping girl walters I've had some pc,
culiar experienceS in tipping them away
Evening star., 1909-06-12

T took me a good
many years to
muster up enough
nerve to give a tip
to a girl waiter
said a Washington
patent attorney
who gets about the
country a good bit.
Il got away with
il for the first time
In New York. !
used to make week
Evening star., 1909-06-12

But since | first fell into the way OF
tipping girl walters I've had some pc,
culiar experiences in tipping them away
Evening star., 1909-06-12

J OW we are going
Omaha daily bee., 1909-09-26
WASN'T IT PERFECTLY LOVELY
Unique Domestic Arrangement ny
which Husband Gives Wife
to New Lover.

After working during an engagement Of
seven years to make a home for the one
girl he ever loved and living with her less
than two years, C. r. Boman OF Chicago
with tears streaming down his face, agreed
to give his wife 70 Fred Hayes, a lad OF
20 years, living at the same address.
For seven years the couple were engaged
before Boman earned salary enough to
make their future sure. Two years ago
the Young man and his sweetheart were
married and the way was smooth until
they moved to their present residence, In
the same building where young Hayes
lives with his grandparents, Mr.. and Mrs.
John II. Rood.
The day the Bomans moved into the
apartment a strange understanding sprang
UP between the lad and Mrs. Boman. The
husband at the same time suffered with
the realization that his wife Was learning
TO care more for the young neIhbor than
for MIN, but was willing TO sacrifice his
own happiness for that OF his wife.
Then Hayes and Mrs. Boman decided
to leave Chicago and start life anew. The
woman called her husband on the telephone
and said goodby. Stunned by the sudden
ness OF the blow, Boman begged for a fare
well meeting. The three met al the Palmer