The sun., 1909-02-14
THE HANDBOOK
| FOR HUSBANDS
II She Wants a Pcrgola Il u
Wise to Go Right Dot" I,
and Get Her One. II


doing the talking. Not that shs talks
just TO hear herself. because she don't.
son. She wants her husband to listen -
And understand me. Il isn't the
labials. gutturals and aspirates jammsd
together and intended TO be a monologue
that turns gray your hairs. Nos. 20 "
a.. inclusive. Not any. It's the bIftys
b jiggered, gosh busted skihch thas
sooner or later he'segoing to stumble
over an idea. Get me? Talks nothing.
It's ideas that bust up families.
when a female Ia dy woman person
climbs aboard OF her colloquial rocking
horse and begins to wear holes in the car
pet Of your even disposition II sounds
easy. | used TO frame it up to let her
alone till she got her teeth crossed or
sort Of wore herself down like diamond
on lap wheel against the sharp adamant
Of relentless time. Bad. that, eh' My
own stuff. too. ,1
But you hear me, this is no subject
for unseemly levity No. by gracious,
because she's sure to hit an idea after
while. and then
@She don't go plump at 1t like with the
malicious and felonious intent 20 say
something that sounds like real words.
Oh, nay. not TO say otherwise. She just
receives It from the plane Of mind or other
occult place.
"It usually begins with the middle OF
a sentence, sort Of a continuation Of the
endless chain OF matters and things that
have silently preceded it, and IL unwinds
deliberately in bitches like a roll Of ticker
tape. A good deal Of 1t Ia In code. and
you pick il up like wireless message
from nowhere addressed to everybody
in general.
e. and half wide OF dotted Swiss
she says. made princess. with full
skirt and six rows Of tuoks, she says.
and lace bertha like the one had two
years ago. they We all gone out o style, and
much too tight she says, where II ought
to be loose, she says, and too loose where
it should be tight she SAYS An so
told her of course | thought It was just
the dearest thing. and ] had TO laugh
she says, because it was dear at any
price and a regular thing she says.
And so forth and so on, Dec volente, ad
infinitum, cum laude ma xima. cum grano
sails.
And you just got to keep on reading.
and every time you come to a period
you say: 'Uh huh. and she thinks you're
listening See what | mean? Don't
butt in. Don't try to butt out, Don't
butt at all. Keep quiet It's what she
married you for. and you'll be, long
time dead all right. Sometimes that's
all you got to do.
But usually not. | was going 10 say
as a rule. only lady folks don't do things
bv rule. Usually not. All of a sudden
she'll begin to go slower. She'll begin
to get the blind staggers like.
-'Oh' she'll cav. oh like that. oh.
Henry. I've just thought of suoh a good
idea.' emphasis on the such This
is such an opportunity she'll say. 'suoh
a golden opportunity for you to-
well. son. thatll give you an idea.
That's the wayoit always is Life is full
Of golden opportunities for women lady
wives to have kheir husbands do things.
You hear me.
-Now, take my wife. for example.
It's perfectly safe to take any woman
for example. It's when you take 'em
for longer period that you get your
comeupance.
Now take Her She was talking along
the other day. having the time of her
young life. when she tripped her foot
and fell over one OF those ideas. Henry
she says, all OF a sudden. it'll be simply
delightful And you must do it right
away rs
-It was coming my way says, and
am elected 1 says. What in thundera-
ton ia 1t now?' says. A country home
she says. A little country home she
says, out among the birds and The flow.
ers and the trees she says. where the
sky is blue and the whippoorwills call.
she says. We will move to the country
she says and you must pick out nice
place right away she says.
-Of course could have pointed out to
her that the flowers and the trees were
OH the blinko this season Of the year.
and that the blue sky is poor scenery
when it's so cold you've got blue nose
too, and that the whippoorwills do most
Of their calling in popular sheet music.
-this-over-o your-piano, Marguerite.
But I'm wise. j know my little business.
II she wanted to go, who am that i should
put up an argument
@And Henry she says. i want house
with cement walls. and a red roof, and
fireplace and portico. and n portecochere
and a pretty little fountain in the living
room with goldfishes in IL, and grounds
full Of posy beds. and a-a-oh, yes, a
pergola, Be sure about that pergola,
she says.
you could search me on that pergola:
Sounded good deal TO me like some kind
Of boat like a dongola, and didn't see
how we were going to get gondola's little
cousin and a whippoorwill. and gold
fish and a fireplace all in the same deal
unless did a lot Of fishing around in the
discard But you know me. / seek the
peaceful life i didn't want TO have any
IAN right The next day was Sunday.
I telephoned to lot Of real estate folks
and at last got word of some kind Of a
thing, half an hour from Broadway, hot
and cold doorknobs. movable plumbing.
stationary landscape. complete exposure.
hardly anything down. and more'n you
could earn q month weekly for life, heirs
and assigns for ever. And a pergola. the
Teller said. So we went out to look the
shack over.
-The house was some house. all right.
Looked almost like regular dwelling
sort OF a place like. All but the big
white grape arbor in the back. That got
my time. Terrible useless and cold kind
OF a thing. That was the pergolal yes. air.
Il tell you, son, il pays to keep your
lid on. l might have made q bad break
on that pergola. Well. anyhow. il had
all the things my wife wanted, except
the whippoorwills and the goldfshes,
and l doped il out | could hire some OF