davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-07-22
An Economic Experiment..

Mister Otto Knowsomebetter was an eco
nomio chap
with a we'll developed liking for dol
lar In his trap.
He was wont to ponder wisely, with his
fingers in his hair.
On the various expenses that an honest
man must bear.
And the ona that most distressed him.
cen to giving him a shock,
Was the awful cost OF fodder he was
forced to feed his stock.
Now. we know the ancient fable of the
man who fed his steed
On simple sawdust diet and had made
the same succeed
AS steady equine ratlon-if the victim
hadn't died.
And he knew the plan was useless, and
devoid OF sense beside
So he figured out process, widely diff
ferent from that.
Whereby no could save his pocket and
his cattle keep their fat.
He procured load Of sawdust with the
happy scheme in mind.
Shorts and bran and other staple Of a
fat-increasinR kind:
Which he mixed in true proportion. with
q touch of pepper stout,
For he'd heard 1t said the secret of the
sawdust steed's demise
Was q little too much sawdust and the
lack of exercise.
So he placed the toothsome mixture in q
| Smiling as he thought how bossy would
be neatly taken In.
Then he measured out portion and he
gave 1t to his COW.
And she hesitated slightly, but she ate
1t anyhow.
Then he went at eve to milk her, with
elation in his soul
And she gave n pat of butter In little
wooden bowl!
Chicago News
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-07-22

given me, and ! am recommending it
to all my friends. Mrs. w. s. FORD,
1898 Lansdowne ST., Baltimore, Md.
The most successful remedy in this
country for the cure Of all forms Of
female complaints is Lydia =. Pink
hams Vegetable Compound. 1t has
stood the test of years and to-day is
more widely and successfully used than
any other female remedy. 1t has cured
thousands Of women who have been
troubled with displacements, inflam-
nation, liberation, flbroid tumors, ir-
Irregularities, periodic pains, backache.
that bearing down feeling, flatulency.
indigestion, and nervous prostration,
after all other means had failed.
If you are suffering from any Of these
a7g Rsa d1 IN Ys y n hPPs nat Vsss
table Compound trial.
If you would like special advice
write to Mrs. Pinkham, Lynn,
Mass, for 1T. She has guided
thousands to health, free OF
charge.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-07-22
Pointed Paragraphs.
From the Chicago News.

TIUTI tIIB S-ITIEdEU NEWS.
A wise man is continually AIDING to his
wisdom.
The sacrifice you are glad to make is
seldom Il sacrifice.
A theatrical star Isn't bright enough to
illuminate the stage.
People who think they arc goodlookine
support the photographers.
Go slow and you won't have to sit down
and rest when you get there
Occasionally a man breaks his word
while telling the truth-if he stammers.
1t takes more than paint and powder
to alter tho complexion of woman:
thoughts.
When 1t comes to looking on the brigh
side OF things one-sided views are ap
to be satisfactory.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-07-22
HOME TESTING.

A Sure and Ensy Test on Coffee.
To decide the all important question
of coffee, whether or not 1t is really
the hidden cause of physical ails and
approaching fixed disease, one should
make test of 10 days by leaving off
coffee entirely and using well-made
Postum.
II relief follows you may know to a
certainty that coffee has been your
vicious enemy. OF course you can take
it back to your heart again, II you
like to keep sick.
A lady says: II had suffered with
stomach trouble, nervousness and ter
rible sick headaches ever since / was
little child for my people were al
ways great coffee drinkers and let US
children have all we wanted. I got
80 l thought could not live without
coffee but l would not acknowledge
that 1t caused my suffering.
Then read so many articles about
Postum that decided to give 1t a
fair trial. l had not used 1t two
weeks in place of coffee until l began
! to feel like different person. The
headaches and nervousness disappear
ed and whereas used to be sick two
or three days out OF week while
drinking coffee | am now we'll and
strong and sturdy seven days week
thanks to Postum.
II had been using Postum three
months and had never been sick q
day when thought l would expert
ment and see IL 1t really was coffee
that caused the trouble, SO began
to drink coffee again and inside Of q
week / had sick spell. l was so Ill
l was soon convinced that coffee was
the cause of all my misery and l wen
back to Postum, with the result that
was soon we'll and strong again ant
determined to stick to Postum ant
leave coffee alone In the future"
Read the little book, 1.-The Road Il
MELVILLE" in pkgs. There's Rea
son."
Ever read the above letter? 4
new one appears from time to time
They are genuine, true, and full .
human interest
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-07-22
From the Chicago News.

From the Chicago News.
Ask for bread and you may be given
the stony stare.
Small talk is responsible for the use
OF many big words.
No. Alonzo. the polecat isn't the only
cat that can climb pole.
Every time man has his fortune told
he gets rid of small portion of 1t.
An old crouch Is as good as new one
II you are merely looking for trouble.
The market price OF airships would in
dictate that only the rich can pose as high
flyers.
When town woman spends a few days
In the country She refers to 1t ever after
as house party
When drunken man doesn't think he
is exceptionally wise the chances are he
is beyond the thinking stage
Many a man imagines he knows all
about the financial question because he
once had occasion to cash a 81 check
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-07-22

Women OF England. In the 18th CEN
tury. wore large hats. Samuel Rogers
once travelled to Ranelagh in the same
coach with a woman who was COM
PEELED to sit on stool on the floor OF
the coach on account OF the incon-
venient height of her headdress. Han
nah More. who was all for simplicity
in costume, writes in her diary that
she has seen women wearing on their
heads IAN acre and half OF shrubs
berry, besides slopes, grass plats. tulip
beds. clumps of peonies, kitchen gar
dens and greenhouses" The credit OF
killing this fashion is given to Car
rick. He appeared one night on the
stage with a mass of vegetables on his
| head and a carrot suspended from each
| side. to the shame and confusion OF
many fair members of his audience.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-07-22
Familiarity Rebuked.

From the Newark Star.
Rev. Albert w. H. Thompson, as
sistant pastor OF Trinity church. told
a good story on himself recently.
you know have been here only Q
short time, but l believe it was during
one of my first days in the city that I
near the church when came across q
little girl aged I or s years. Her face
was simply black with dust that had
gathered upon the sticky molasses that
had smeared about from lollypop, the
stick OF which was protruding from
her mouth.
"1'hinking she was one of my Sunday
school girls. said: Hello, Mary!'
''She stopped. looked up and consid-
cred me in a grave manner for short
time, and then said:
cav make noise like hoop and
roll on! Roll on!'
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-07-22
MUNYON'S
Eminent Doctors at
Your Service Free
Not Penny to Pay for the Fullest
Medical Examination.


II you are In doubt as to the cause
Of your disease, mail US postal :e-
Questing . medical examination blank
which you will AL out and return to
US. Our doctors will carefully dag
nose your case. and II you can be
cured you will be told so; II you can
not be cured you will be told 80. You
are not obligated to US In any way, for
this advice is absolutely free. You are
at liberty to take our advice or not. as
you see fit. Send today for medi-
cal examination blank, NIL out and re-
turn to us, and our eminent doctors
will diagnose your case thoroughly.
absolutely free.
Munyon's. SD and Jefferson streets.
Philadelphia, Pa.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-07-22
Advice From the Bench.


Some years ago many farmers along
the line OF the Missouri. Kansas &
Texas railway brought suit against 1t.
and engaged a young lawyer named
Brown. Judge Can't. who was pre-
siding, was compelled to throw many
OF the cases out of court because they
were improperly brought. Brown was
mad all over. Swelling with indigna-
ton, he arose and said Your honor.
will you please tell me how 1t is pos
sible in this court to get Justice against
railroad company"
Judge Can't quietly ignored the con-
tempt of court shown by the lawyer
and asked DO you wish an answer
to that question. Mr. Brown
Yes, SIR defiantly replied the in
dignant lawyer; yes, sir, and want
to know how farmer can get his case
into this court so that it will be heard "
Judge CAN'T smiled and said: We'll
first, Mr.. Brown, I'd advise the farmer
to hire lawyer"
Rrn1vn yyilfpd
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-07-22
DAISY FLY KILLER!
PILES 81 = :; 800 ~; :; =; =!
and Fistula Cure.
9EA Co.. Dept. D s. kinassDells. Mlnn.

Cleanliness was not fad in the mid
die ages. King Edward ". OF Eng
land was supplied with a barber to
shave him once week. and "if so
One medieval laundress was given so
little to wash that the washing bill Of
q ducal establishment came to 40 shill-
ings ($960) a year. Four shirts were
considered large allowance of linen
for Lord Howard, and point Is made
OF the fact that Master Howard was
actually given shirt to go to college
with
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-07-22
rommie.s mother was member of

Tommie's mother was a member OF
the Society for the Promotion of the
Gospel. and the boy was a careful
financier. In Tommie's little book he
entered each week the amount Of his
allowance. and In the opposite column
he set down his expenditures. When
his proud young mother in going over
the boys figures, noticed every here
and there IS. P. G.-5 cents.' her
pride in her son increased, and she was
telling his father at the table about
the lads innate religion and charity
when Tommie came to the resuce with:
Mother. you don't seem to under
stand; when couldn't remember and
was cents short. put down S. p.
G.. which means. 'Something-probably
grub"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-07-22

Sturgeon are much scarccr now In
the lower Amur river than formerly.
owing to the fact that they are caught,
contrary to law. with dragnets and
during the spawning season. Sturgeon
weighing from 100 to $50 pounds were
once caught in quantities, but are UNI
common now, the average weight being
between SO and 40 pounds.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-07-22

Three principal gauges of line are
used on the various railways in the
commonwealth Of Australia The most
common gauge. 3h feet. is used on
about 1000 miles of line scattered over
five of the states. The feet and inch
gauge is second in Importance. and the
South Wales. third. with 3.472 miles of
line There are also 50 miles OF 21k
feet gauge and of 3 miles of feet
gauge. Standardization has been pro-
posed. but no action has been taken.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-07-22
A Faith curist.
/ wlsht 1 was de weather man:
I'd look no in de sky

I'd look up in de sky
An specify pleasant plan
Or know de reason why.
I'd allus paint de sky bright blue:
I'd never hear no storm:
I'd knock off q degree or two
When it were gettin' warm.
To speak in language mos polite
I never wo.ld forget;
Ell my predictions wasn't right,
Dar'd be no cause to fret.
De climate dat keeps DRAWN nigh
Is such no count grind
We might as we'll staht an try
A imaginary kind.
Washington Star
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-07-22

The little village of Buckland- n-the
Moor has many claims to distinction.
1t has population OF fewer than 100
and entirely belongs to the Rev. w
P. Bastard. who lives at Buckland
Court and who has just celebrated his
golden wedding by entertaining his
tenants, Time was when the big
house was looked upon as compria.
ing half the population. auckland Is
also unique inasmuch as it has no pub.
lie house. no policemen, no physician,
no clergyman and no pauper 1t is in
the Ashburton church living, and AN
old people there are pensioned by the
estate owner
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-07-22

work and finally took to bed. Doctors
said hAd gravel and advised an oper-
alton The seoretions were painful
and sometimes almost stopped. Doans
Kidney Pills brought relief and final
ly cure.'
Remember the name-Doan's. Fol
sale by all dealers. 80 cents box
Foster-Milhurn Co.. Buffalo, N. z.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-07-22
Family Horticulture.

FTOm SUCCESS N1HBH2llfe.
George Marion, the stage manager,
Is a lover of nature and a Halter of
overcoats and umbrellas. Recently,
during violent rain storm, he called
on his mother, entering her presence
wringing wet.
George" said she, firmly, you ought
not to expose yourself to such weather,
you will get pneumonia"
But, mother" exclaimed George,
with a theatrical wave of his hand.
why should fear the rain? Does II
not nurture the grass? Is it not life
to the fiowers?"
ut Is long time" said the good
woman. closing a window. since you
We're a flower"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-07-22

from Irregular.
ties, terrible drag
ging sensations,
extreme nervous
ness, and that all
gone feeling in my
stomach. / had
given up hope Of
ever being we'll
when / began to
take Lydia E. Pink
hams Vegetable
Compound. Then
/ felt as though
nm
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-07-22

About 500 patents are granted each
year to British women upon inven-
tons. ranging from articles distinctive
ly feminine in nature to motors. rail-
road cars. flying machines and Wire
less Biography
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-07-22

pains, lamsness and
stiffness. dizziness,
headaches. tired-feel-
ing, urinary troubles.
Doan's Kidney Pills
cure the cause. Ma
than R. Hill, Stryker.
Ohio, says: Kidney
troubles pulled me
down until I was skin
and hone Il could not
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-07-22

1t is mothers duty to keep constantly
on hand some reliable remedy for use in
case of sudden accident or mishap TO the
children. Hamlins Wizard Oil can be
depended upon for just such emergencies.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-07-22
Game sonnets.
THE PITCHER.

Oh, say. the pitcher is the cheese. ana no
stands
Out there and twirls the Leather In his
hands
Before he squirms and puts It up to be
A strike or ball. or any other thing, by
His Gmps. the lobster. thinks he under
stands
Amt like 1t looks TO all the bunch Of
fans:
But gaff him. Birdie. what's the mutt to
you and mo?
And. say. there's nothing punk about the
pitch:
no bang 'em at the batter, straight. or
curve.
Or rush 'em out to where the baggers
Ana they won't find him sleeping at the
switch.
OH, Birdie. keep your eyes off: amt he
grand?
THE CATCHER
Well now. and will you please get onto
those?
Amt he the nervy one to stand like that
And eat the leather goods right off the
bat?
Say. BIRDIE, ain't he better than the Wild
West shows?
And don't he look like cork and cotton
grows
\ All over him? And, listen, II that mask
were fiat.
How would the nose OF him do for q
Us for the Catcher. Birdie; you and me.
too, knows
A good thing when we see 1t. and we've
1T right before us now. II could be
A man like him. say, Birdie. would you
/ what
He's banged it down to second-hear 'ern
shout!
Yell. Birdie, yell! He's put the whole
side out.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-07-22
WHY pEoPLB SUFFER.

Too often the kidneys are the cause
md the sufferer L. not aware of It.
0fck kidneys bring backache and side
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-07-22

SUCCESS FOR SEVENTY YEARS.
This Is the record Of Pa,ukilef PERRY Davis) re
Aabie remedy for diarfhdla dyssntery ali bowel
eomplAn1. Get the genuine. 70. Sc. and &c.,
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-07-22
Out Of Hi. Hands.

Uncle Nose, needing money, sold his pig
to the wealthy northern lawyer. who had
Just bought the neighboring plantation.
After a time. needing more money. he
stole the pig and resold 1t. this time to
Judge Pickens, who lived down the road
apiece" Soon afterward the two gen.
tlemen met, and upon comparing notes.
suspected what had happened. They con-
fronted Uncle Nose The old darby cheer
fully admitted his guilt.
WELL" demanded Judge Pickers. what
are you going to do about it?''
Blessed II know, jedge." replied Uncle
Nose. with broad grin. Use no lawyer.
I reckon I'll have to let 20 two genmen
settle it between yoselves."
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-07-22
AFTER
F0U[RYEARS
OF MISERY
Cured by Lydia E. Pink
hams Vegetable Compound

Baltimore, AVl. -" For four years
my life was q miserysto me. I sufered
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-07-22
Pointed Paragraphs.

Ms. Wa.sssv.s soorn1.s sr.yp for cntldren
eeethtng. softoAs - gams, reduces tnAammau On,
Alays pain. cuRes Wind oodn. Ne boe0A
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-07-22

Every metal is believed by Gruttin,
a German chemist, to have Its peculiar
odor, which he regards as gaseous
Transformation product. He has made
some OF the doors perceptible for a
the metals to 122 degrees Fahrenheit.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-07-22
Enter Today.

The lure OF primal forces calls.
The ancient charm OF sex endures,
The surge OF old desire enthralls.
And primal woman man allures;
And yet alert. insistent. clear,
The voice Of Dear Today l hear.
She Is not less serene and fair.
This daughter of Ten Thousand Years
Because she hath the will to dare.
Because she routs her olden fears;
She's modern woman, yet her part
To win and hold and rule the heart.
Ye talk of wives of Yesterday,
Strong breasted mothers of the race,
Who lived to bear and rear and pray,
Devout of life and fair OF face,
Good Cynic. mourn not buried bliss,
For Dear Today Is sweet to kiss.
New York Times
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-07-22

Canvas may be waterproofed by COW
ering it with finely shaved beeswax and
then melting 1t in with hot fatiron.
The Bennington evening banner. (Bennington, Vt.) 19??-1961, 1909-12-31
ROOSEVELT AT CATWE
All Members Of Party Well According
to Message Monday

Kampala, Ugunda. Dec. 31.-A tel
ephone message from Kabula Miro,
46 miles distant, says the American
expedition camped on Monday night
at Katwe. Katwe is eight miles be
yond Kabula Miro Col. Roosevelt
and the others of the party are well
and so far have not had rainy wealth
er.
The hunters have covered "a miles
since leaving this place on December
23 The immediate objective point
is Kisingo, IS miles from Katwe. AS
it left here the expedition was made
up of seven white hunters and scien-
lists, 300 porters, seven tent boys six
SINNERS. five gun-bearers, four
grooms for the four mules and two
cooks.
The Bennington evening banner. (Bennington, Vt.) 19??-1961, 1909-12-31
FOR LOCAL PARCELS POST
Representative Foster of Vermont
Will Introduce Bill Again

Washington. Dec. 31.-Representa
tive Foster of Vermont is hopeful
of favorable action by Congress at
this session upon a plan long cherish
ed by him for the establishment of
local postage rates on parcels carried
on the various rural free delivery
routes Of the country Last year he
could obtain no hearing before the
House postoffice committee but Rep
resentative Weeks of Massachusetts
is now chairman of this committee
and without committing himself to
the proposition he has assured Mr..
Foster ON an impartial consideration
of his scheme by the committee.
Mr.. Fosters bill contains many
features of interest to farmers for
under its provisions there would be
established cheap express service
among neighbors.
Cheap rates are established by the
Foster bill, ranging from cent on
parcels OF two ounces or less to %
cents for parcels weighing Il pounds.
The Bennington evening banner. (Bennington, Vt.) 19??-1961, 1909-12-31
WOMAN HELD FOR PERJURY
New York Bankers Wife Has All
Kinds of Trouble.

New York, Dec 31.-A remarkable
tangle of domestic troubles was re-
vealed in New York with the arrest
and arraignment in court of Mrs.
Jane Humes Parker, wife of John
Alley Parker, a Wall street banker
and broker, charged with criminal
libel and perjury Mrs Parker was
held in $4,000 bail, which was furnish
ed, and the hearing was adjourned.
Mrs. Edith Moser Ellis, the com
plainant against Mrs. Parker, alleges
that an attempt to extort money
from her by libelous charges forms
the basic plot for a domestic drama
in which the Parkers and Ellises and
half dozen outsiders have been in
volved.
1t is alleged that the libel and per
jury was committed in affidavits
made by Mrs. Parker to support a
motion for proper counsel fees in de-
Tending the action for divorce recent
ly brought by her husband.
Parker in the divorce papers,
charged his wife with statutory Of
fences with a dashing Austrian while
Mrs. Parker was ostensibly studying
music in Vienna last year. Mrs.
Parker Immediately filed a counter
suit. naming Mrs Ellis as corespon-
dent
AS a side issue to the divorce case,
Mrs. Ellis husband Samuel Diliplane
Ellis. who lives in Philadelphia, has
sued Parker for 100000 charging
alienation of Mrs. Ellis affection.
Mrs. Parker, according to her coun-
sell is contemplating a suit against
Mrs. Ellis for the same amount and
on similar grounds.
The Bennington evening banner. (Bennington, Vt.) 19??-1961, 1909-12-31

When collars break and scratch the
neck, you'll hear the youngster say:
by Heck" But his dad will more
profoundly holler, D the Laun-
dry and the collar Powers will to
your laundry give flexible finish and
one that lives SO that when you
trust work to his care you'll never
feel induced to swear Our collars
are so finished the tie slips with per-
feet ease
The Bennington evening banner. (Bennington, Vt.) 19??-1961, 1909-12-31
Time Table for Cooker

These cookers can also be Used as
coolers in the following manner
Wrap ice in newspaper and place
IN a tin pail. which can be procured
in the 10 cent store Cover with the
cover, place on loose sawaust ia bot
tom of buttertub, pack with loose
sawdust or with long cushion. ON
top of covered ice pail can be- placed
milk bottles or whatever food is to
be kept cool and if dishes are tight
ly covered the square cushion may be
placed over all and the tub covered.
If a slightly larger outlay can be af-
forded a permanent cooker can be
made OF a galvanized iron garbage
pail with cover The disadvantage Of
the butter tub is that it will eVentu-
ally fall apart unless water is occas.
ionally put in The cost of the gal
vanized pail is about one dollar and
quarter
Used in the cooler five cent piece
of ice can be kept for three days
A housekeeper should provide her
self with a bread mixer, a food chop
per, sharp knives for pairing yegctab
les, strainers of various fineness and
if possible, arrange a kitchen cab
met so that she may have all uten-
sils at hand and IS save steps
OF particular value is the food
chopper. A good deal of food that is
left over is, in many a household,
thrown away. Not so where a food
chopper is used. The leftover meat
and potatoes of today provide the
breakfast Of tomorrow where the
food chopper is used. Croquettes,
fricadeles and hash of various kinds
lie and nutritious
but are money in pocket. It is sare
to say that so per cent of the food
that finds its way into the garbage