davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03
SECULAR SHOTS AT THE PULPIT

Boston Herald: Somebody asks what the
Duxbury saints wanted with money on the
last day. Perhaps they wanted it to burn.
New York World: Mr.. Rockefeller's new
pastor in Cleveland brings with him what
he calls essential accessories" including
one fast trotting horse, one thoroughbred
collie dog, one set OF golf clubs, one set
Of tennis racquets. one set of handballs,
one set Of fishing rods and one set Of
towling pieces. 1t Is not an othodox equip
ment, but its seven divisions will attract
at least more attention than would the
firstly to ''seventhly' Of an old school
sermon.
Boston Transcript: After spending thou
sands of dollars in hobbling over the
country trying to find q cure for rehuma-
tlsm and govt, the clergyman in charge OF
a wealthy parish on Long Island, N. r.,
has found one at home 1t is a woodsaw,
regularly and vigorously applied to hard
wood, soft wood, or whatsoever offers,
and the clergyman, after q weeks use Of
1t, declares that he is rid OF his aches and
pains, that his lameness has left him.. and
that he is losing flesh which he was more
than willing to spare. incidentally. he has
disposed Of several trees that unwhole-
somely shaded his house and he IL rapidly
laying III ms winter 3 supply OF hlnullnB,
This of course is only one mans expert
ence. Yet, when one comes to think Of It,
woodsawing must be good medicine" be-
cause it IL so unpleasant to take.
Leslie's Weekly: "ClerRymen are probably
subject to more temptations than any other
public men. and their greatest dangers lie
in the wiles OF the fair sex" This is the
bombshell which the Rev. William e.
Barton, OF the Oak Park Congregational
church, Illinois, hurled at an audience Of
clerical hearers when he addressed the
Presbyterian Ministers association recently
at Chicago. DR.. Barton SIS widely known
as a powerful thinker and q man of force
full character. so that his words caused a
decided sensation. He urged pastors
always to have a third person present when
talking to women members OF their flock,
and warned them Of the hangers of meet
ing fair worshipers alone, however, in
nocent the circumstances. 1T must be
arranged" he said, $50 that such temp
tations cannot be placed before U.S." The
minister should be so guarded, he thinks,
that the temptations which beset other
men shall leave him u~nscathed.
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03
shakesnsarean Discoveries.

Time was when the east held claim
to all scholarly research, but condi-
lions have changed and the east now
finds the west a frequent and authori-
tative medium Of discovery. Out Of
Nebraska arises the freshest contribu-
tion to a solution of the worlds liter
airy mystery, Shakespeare, his person
ality and his work. Prof. Charles
william Wallace Of the University Of
Nebraska has been for years one Of the
most indefatigable of delivers into the
vanished records of the Bard Of Avon,
and he has just completed a series Of
Investigations which promise to add
materially to the public understanding
Of the master dramatist.
While Prof. Wallace's original in
%tention was not to confute the Bacon
ian theorists, still he claims to rave
facts which will establish more clearly
and firmly S~hakespeare's title to au-
thorship as well as his definite per-
sonal standing as actor and manager,
II not as poet and dramatist, among
his contemporaries.
The latest discoveries of Prof. Wal
lace include documents determining
the date Of some of Shakespeare's
plays, fixing for the first time the ex-
act boundaries Of the famous Globe
theater in London, and indicating the
extent of S~hakespeare's ownership not
only in the Globe, but also in the
Blackfriars, which was the fashionable
playhouse Of his day. Prof. Wallace
has recovered FROM the dust Of centur-
les the papers in a law suit brought by
the daughter of John Hemyngs, who
was S~hakespeare's partner ia the
theatrical business, for an accounting
of her interest in the Shakespearean
productions.
Shakespeare seems to have been a
prodigy In enterprise, in a measure the
Hammerstein Of his day, entering
upon ambitious dramatic projects with
a daring hat sometimes precipitated
financial p~erplexities. How amid the
annoyances of manifold managerial
activities he found opportunity to
write plays as we'll as to act them, or
how Shakespeare the poet few from
the cares of the practical life of
Shakespeare the actor-manager to the
inspiration of his Muse, Prof. Wal
lace's discoveries may be expected to
aid the student and the general reader
to understand.
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03
THE L
Philadelphia Star.

GAAlhuSApAAa DNaAs
There's a wonderful country, fair to see,
That's known as the land OF Used-to-be.
Just over the borders Of Already,
In tho golden Kingdom of Kiss;
The skies, in this kingdom, are always
There are roses. the fairsst that ever
Love sings in the srkness and smiles
in the dew,
In this g~arIanded isle Of bliss.
There's light and laughter, and music's
Groom.
And the patter or feet clad In fairy shoon,
And the tawn CT the sun, and the sheen
OF the moon
King Folly, in FOOLS attire
And the loves one IOsI tvtuIn, and WOO
And the dreams one drea.neu, q IA la4ss,
come true,
And prince and pauper receive his due
In this land Of Hearts Desire
It's a wonderful country. this land of
dreams
A country remote from the world ana
fits schemes,
Where everything Is Just every
thing seems,
And loving IS CLINT, and glee;
Where age wins youth, and youth wins
And love comes iispins the loved ones
name,
And 10Y Is living. n grief a game
IN the Land Of the Ussd-to-bS
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03
PERSONAL AND OTHERWISE.

One thing is satisfactorily settled by the
pole hunters, Anna Took is a Cool lady.
BY a backward spell of the four-letter
Eskimo town, the root OF the polar trouble
may be found
However, the companies can make good
any loss OF business under the slbley law
by expressing their feelings.
A 81. Louis burglar who did business
clad In a klmona was run down by his
women victims. Ny, they didn't do a thing
to that kimonA-
A charge Of S for the privilege Of hear
ing pole hunters tell their tales is calcu-
lated to put a large chuk OF ice on the
heads Of enthusiasts.
A marked uplift in the price Of rubber
is said to be due to a shortage Of raw
material. Still the stock Of rubbernecks
shows no diminution.
The winters intellectual journeys will
pass up the old f~avorlte, What is
whisky?" and stir jaded gray matter with
the thriller. WAS Shakespeare a gentle
MANI
Somehow the Balkan war cloud refuses to
pull off its annual stunt. Still the old
world managers to roll on, seeming salts
fled with a Spanish fandango and Arctic
lemons.
A striking illustration Of the tyranny OF
habit as afforded by the West Duxbury
enthusiasts gathered TO witness the end Of
the world. A contribution box went the
rounds a few moments before the sched-
uled finish.
st. Paul bakers are In a state OF agita-
ton because they are required to put
wrappers around their bread. 1T costs
money to keep bread clean" they explain
in unison. and they haven't any dough to
burn that way.
Down in Tennessee a wonderful brand
OF booze has been concooted. So smooth
and innocent of guile that II leaves not
the faintest trace OF a load on the breath
What 1t does the morning after is too
painful to print,
1t may be said in extenuation that the
poet who murmured about the melan-
choly days Of autumn never felt the
charm OF autumn days in the corn belt.
None finer than these Ak-Sar-Ben days
has been experienced since Adam went a.
counting.
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03
SERMONS BOILED DOWN.

He cannot be a saint who makes the
world sour.
Crooked lives come from taking curves
around duties.
Seeing the purpose Of pains robs It Of
Its power to hurt
Some men seem to combine faith in their
God with pride in fooling Him.
The only way to keep some men straight
Is to Eive them a big load to haul.
There is always a tendenoy to mistake
the appendix Of religion for its heart.
He who has forgotten the life Is quite
likely to be carrying q chip for the letter.
He who has to manufacture his smiles
finds that grudges within turn them into
grins.
The religion that has to be warmed up
once a week soon becomes a tough prop
%osition.
Depend on It, the great Father does not
forget when a man causes a child need
less pain.
You may cut down your pants to fit your
boy, but you canno do that way with
your piety.
The prayer, give me riches and right
eousness," easily gets shortened at the
wrong end.
When the small man reaches the limits
of his brain he thinks he has come to the
coasts Of the infinite.
1t is a good deal easier to mourn the
faults Of others than II Is to mend your
ow~n.-ChicaEo Tribune.
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03
ErcnIsinr Sprinqs Mineral Waters

We are distributing agents in Omaha
for the celebrated waters from Excelsior
Springs, Mo, and sell at following prices;
Regent, quart bottle, Csc; dozen. I2.25t
case, so bottles, $500.
Suipho-Saline, quart bottle, 26c; dozenB.
S2.25; case, 90 bottles, $500.
sulpho-saline, pint bottle, l5c; dozen,
$3.50.
Soterian, quart bottle. zoe; dozen. "a. 100.
sotrian, pint bottle. 16c; dozen. ti.50.
soterian Ginger Ale, pint bottle. 1901
dozen, {1.5O.
soterian Ginger Ale. quart bottle, Csc;
dozen, 1925.
Diamond Lithis, h~alf-Eallon bottle. 4OcI
case, ] dozen, S4.0O.
Crystal Lithia. five-Eallon Jugs, each.
salt sulphur, fivs-gallon jugs. each.
delivery free TO any part of Omaha,
Council Bluffs or South Omaha.
y A'OoNNELL DRUG CO.
18th and Dodge.
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03
Our Strange Celestial Guest.

The comet, that brilliant and err
ratio genius Of a wanderer in celestial
domains, is a fascinating fellow. Only
occasionally is a generation permitted
the spectacle Of this fash visitor OBJ
securing the steadfast brilliants of the
constant consultations. Yet that gen.
GRAFTON will recall with wonderment
and awe the strange sight in the sky
long years after the eccentric caller
has swept out of vision. The faithful
moon looming large and fat and mel
low, ~grotesquely cleaning in the Won
derful autumnAl night, is a finer show
than all the comets we modern Amer
leans have ever met, and is far more
serviceable in the development Of ma
tional life, including the minor indi-
vidual phases OF counting, s%erenading
and tho writing Of poetry. No one
ever sang a song Of oh, you comet"
but look at the sentimental ballads
and literature about the moon! 1t Is
when the loo swings high on moist
bulhllCl hl6llb NhhI ~ Win 6iO"o ~
that one may hear it crackle. But the
moon is only the moon, but when a
comet comes along he draws the crowd
like a big brass band.
Now comes close to earth Mister
Halley's comet. 1t seems that comets
like prodigal sons were named in their
youth, and when they come back to
the old homestead for a glimpse of
serene times, the neighbors cry,
why, that's Jack" or "Jim," or
Bob" or whatever. Ordinary folks
Just know it as a comet, the same as
they know a star from a s~kyrocket, but
the scientists tell us whose comet It is,
whether Peary's or Cooks, or some
nameless founding.
And behold, this time Mister Hal
ley's comet promises to be right neigh
borly, II the scientists have it figured
out Alright, and in these days Of famil-
iarity with artificial horizons it is easy
to get poles and comets straight with
out EsQuimau or japanese aid. Sc
neighborly is Mister Halley's comet
to be that he Is scheduled to swing his
brilliant tail smack up against tn;
earth, like the most popular batsmar
OF our nine lining out the sphere for
a home run. That tail, II 1t were
solid, would bump old Mother Earth
considerable, but right here is where
the scientists reassure the expectani
g%randstand and bewlldered bleachers
The comets tail ~glisters. but the glis
ter is only m~oonshine. the earth
passes through with a layer Of powder
like the pollen OF goldenrod hidinl
the wrinkles of his veteran face. an;
goes dancing along on his foolish
merry way till the next time.
Not only do we common people ad
mire and wonder at the comet. Grea
minds also have grappled with its fas
cinating my stery. Even Ignatius Don
nelly wrote a book about It calleC
"RagnArok," to bewilder the reade
who ran and then appended for tn
beneht OF the runner the subtitle, 9TH
Age Of Fire and Gravel" He reasoned
that the earth had once passed through
the tail OF a comet. which was so full
OF ballast that a Sahara sandstoru
would be a silken kiss in comparison
and he held this circumstance to &C
count for the presence OF queer min
sral souvenirs where such specimen
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03

had no earthly right to collect. Don
nelly called Scripture to witness the
veracity Of his chronicle and argued
that the behemoth spoken Of in Holy
Writ was nothing but the tail Of a
comet spreading sh~arp-pointed things
in the mire."
In the meantime Halley's comet is
swinging low his golden chariot in the
sky, and the child Of today who OBJ
serve the forthcoming promised mani
festations will have interesting expert
ences to tell his grandchildren, to
whom Halley's comet may sound like a
marvellous myth.
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03
Distortion.


The Chicago Tribune, one Of the most
powerful enemies Of the guaranty principle,
makes this significant admission: The
failure of the guaranty law would mean
ruin to many Of these $50 banks and a
financial panic in the state" The guaranty
law, in other words, is all that stands be-
tween scores of Oklahoma banks and ruin
right now.-World-Herald
The Chicago Tribune made no such
admission whatever, and the World
Herald knows 1t. The Chicago Trib-
une simply printed the Associated
Press report from Oklahoma City, into
which the local correspondent had
woven this product of his own magma
ton. This very same Associated Press
dispatch, with the very same "admis-
sion," was printed simultaneously In
the news columns of the World-Her-
aid, The Bee and hundreds Of other
papers, which is proof conclusive that
1t did not originate with the Chicago
Tribune. 1t is none of the business Of
the Associated Press to transmit the
differences or conclusions Of its corre-
spondents, and perhaps the Chicago
Tribune ought to have cut out this
unsubstantiated sentence. The at
tempt Of the World-Herald how
ever, to saddle upon the Tribune a
statement for which it is by no means
responsible is illustrative of the petty
and unfair devices to which it often
resorts to bolster up it's position when
ever It feels that It is shaky.
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03

It Is occasionally refreshing to &C
quirs a distant point Of view. An
American woman just home from
abroad reports that a prevailing idea
among Chinese danes who have most
elaborate c~oinures Is that the foreign
woman Toes not comb her hair. The
foreign husband who has 10 wait could
tAu them bettsA
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03

listic greed the manifold resources
concerning which the president can
only advise and over which congress
has nc authority. Each state, as we'll
as congress. should be alert to avert
the peril indicated by Mr.. Pinchot in
his fearless and determined declara-
tim
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03

That the government can prune
away eight and one-half millions Of
expense and still put up It's usual front
is amazing to those economists who
have to diet on prunes.
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03

Torn by lions. saturated with oil
and burned, the Moroccan pretender
could make no p~retense Of finding his
death devoid of the spectacular. AS
a royal high executioner tho sultan
has Gilbert and sullivan's past master
backed off the boards.
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03

The German Year Book, just Issued,
shows the present population OF Ger
many to be 6S,8se 900. a gain of $780,
900 over 1908. And every one Of
these new people. though a babe in
arms. is an added war-bogie to the
faar-strioken Britons.
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03

Columbia has opened Americas
first university school Of household
arts. There is yet hope that aesthetic
housekeepers may abolish from home
life such sordid fundamentals as cloth
ing, shelter and food.
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03

amateur theatTicals. everybody congrat-
ulaled her IN her appearance as a risky
Young "ldow''-Baltimore Americans
say, Jones, that stenOgrapher OF yours
3 a healthy looking girl. Don't look as
uloush shed ever been III a day"
'Ihal shows how easy II Is 10 oe mis-
taken, Brown. She has a numb r Of bad
Spells every day-BOstOR Transcript
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03

The University Of Michigan an
nounces that stringless beans produce
mosquitoless back yards. Do the In
sects, then, flock to the front?
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03

In making compulsory the public
school teaching of humane treatment
OF dumb animals Illinois is dying in
the face of the traditional teacher who
turned out Mary's lamb.
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03

Ohio experimental agricultuTists are
feeding brain food to pigs, and the re-
sultant porcine prodigies are said to
cultivate finer habits. If our pork is
to have a college education it will be
next in order to spread aesthetic Gull
ture among those common barnyard
fowls who lay the vulgar but popular
egg.
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03

A traveller from the pellagra belt
concludes from what he has observed
in his Journeys that pellagra is like
malaria, always prevalent in the next
town; or like good fishing, to be found
about half a mile farther upstream.
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03
DOMESTIC


1T was so unfortunate hat she wal com
PEELED to get a divorce"
"Unfortunate7 Goodness, no. She Is 70
get splendid alimony~. Chicago Record
Herald.
'"You look sweet enough to kiss" says
the impressed young man,
80 many gentlemen tell me that" coyly
answers the fair girl.
"Ahl should make you happy"
But they merely say that" she repines.
They merely tell me the facts in the case
and never prove their statements. Life.
Mrs. JawbaeD-Td ike to live in one of
Mr.. Jawback-Good Lord You'll be
wanting a Bungalow" nsxtl-Cleveland
Leader.
turn the lock of my nair / foolishly
gave you once. BY mistake you have
brought back two. One OF them is a pale
blonde. Who Reve you that"
you did, Maudie, sighed Harold. "They
ore both Curs."-Chicago Tribune.
In your heart?'
attic, AID I'm quite sure you couldn't ex-
Peet me to acquire a case Of enlargement
Just 10 make room for you."-Cleyeland
Plain Dealer.
Bensonhurst-Does your wife find fault
with the size OF the flat?
Yorkville-There isn't room for complaint.
Smart Set.
II suppose now. old MoneybaEs Is a
hopeless invalid. his pretty young wife
keeps HIN amused and chsered oobsidera-
bly,"
him the ether day how In the church
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03

Tact, patience and courtesy are
urged by the United States consular
service upon tourists in alien lands.
The same qualities pave the way Of
life with p~lessantness and contantment
here at home.
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03
GREAT Need Of the Hour.
Phnadelphia Record.

What the nearness of Mars had to do
with the magnetic storm no one knows;
nor can we Justly accuse Cook or Peary
OF meddiing with the switchboard while
at the pole. What We seem TO need now
sdays IL a scientific Sherlock Holmes
~l,a d bent for taeklinE hypsrborsan
mysteries
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03

The independent refining company
started by women in opposition to
Standard Oil has gone into bankruptcy.
II the women eannot down the Stand
ard, Of what avail are mans efforts?
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03

II the preacher who has resigned
truly did it because he cannot live an
honest life as a pastor. what nag of
infsmy will he embark under in his
new careerl
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03

It's an I. frost that does not warm
the cookies of some heart. Mexico's
corh famine means fat orders on
American crops.
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03

Subscribers leaving the city tenn
DOrarily should have The Bee
mailed to them. Address will be
changed as often as requested.
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03

The quest of the poles is as nothing
compared to the constant search in
every line of endeavor for men, real
men, to do the worlds work.
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03

Nothing ~discourages the busy little
microbe. AS fast as science conQuers
n disease he invents another.
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03

1t should be distinctly understood
that Mr.. Pinchot has a spigot ready to
tap n water power trust that comes
into sight.
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03

bU0IVN UIN
The presidents admission that he is
dependent upon Mrs. Taft for avoiding
the danger OF taking himself too seri-
ously will strike a responsive chord In
many a masculine breast.
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03

Mr.. Bailey's latest refrain is,
Wont you look home, Bill Bryan,
won't o look home. 1 hate to have
you round"
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03

Peary sailed north up the Hudson
all the way to Newburgh. yet not even
West Points grandeur tempted him to.
say, That's mine-I saw it FIRST"
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03

An actress who welded a critic who
praised her has got a divorce. When
he became her husband he must have
stopped being her press agent.
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03

Mr.. Person resigned to relieve Mr..
Taft Of embarrassment. II only all
persons would always be SO consider
ate
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03

Various cities are c~rusRding against
smoke and noise. Yeti the town with
out either has about as much vitality
as q cemetery.
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03

Strange. at Mr.. and Mrs. Bryan's
anniversary celebration 16 to l was
never mentioned. And a silver we'd
ding. too!
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03

Well, one trust has busted, and
lower prices are promised. But how
many people eat potash?
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03

Persia's deposed ruler is being
slowed away among the mothballs In
a shahl-strap.
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03

An expert adviser says that the ice
box should have daily inspection.
Whose hasn't?
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03
srAEMENr OF CIRCULATION.

State Of Nebraska. Douglas County, S.;
George p, Tzschuck, treasurer Of The
Bee Publishing Company, being duly
sworn. says that the actual number OF
full and complete copies of The Daily,
Morning, Evening and Sunday Bee printed
during the month Of September, 1903. was
"a fonoura.
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03

Treasurer.
Subscribed In my presence and sworn
Der, 1909. NJ. p. WALKER,
(Seal.) Notary Public.
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03

Mrs. J~awbacb-Td like to live in one of
those '~igloOs." They're so coy.
Mr., Jawback-Good Lord You'll be
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03

Bensonhurst-Does your wife find fault
with the size OF the flat?
Yorkville-There isn't room for complaint,
Smart Set.
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03

You look sweet enoug to kiss" says
the impressed young man.
S many gentlemen tell me that" coyly
anawars the fair Girl
Omaha daily bee., 1909-10-03

"Ahl That mould make you happy"
'But they merely say that" she repines.
They merely tell me the facts in the case
and never prove their statements" Life.
Scranton Wochenblatt. [volume] (Scranton, Pa.) 1865-1918, 1909-04-15
CBiIses. Barre RadrtAten.

- Sn Wfibpale Durbe am Wfonta9
Midael Sauase uerbaftet, als sr TN
8ssriffe itanb, cine sunte an5ulsesn.
nm bic 8obnuus Don SObn Rauiib Tn
bie Suft su iprsnsen. @r bate porbsr
pier @taussu Dpnamit untsr bas 9aus
selest.
- Danfo Wtanhed BON Broofiioe
LIT seltsrn MOrsen I'm bieii9en Soipital
ben 8unbsn erleseu, uelde ibm WtetrO
Bnllod pabrsnb zines Streites In ibrem
Softbauis an SobuiOn StraBe fiirstid
bsissbradt bate. Der DtSrber wnrbs
perbaftet.
- Sn bem bena6barten @rnbenborfs
8restau serit6rte eiu Seusr am Wiontas
sw6tf @obnbduIer. wOour6 3w0lf So
milien beimatbslos murbcn. Das 5euer
entftano our4 bic llnadtIamfeit eines
Wtannes, Der cine brenuenbe Cigarette
in elm 8ett sewOrfsn bate. 3. 9. Rob'
bins mar Der @isentbiimsr uno er i6ati
einen 8srluit auf s 10000.