davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Columbus journal., 1909-08-25
THOUGHT uTTLEoF DICKENS
George Meredith Did Not Believe
Noveiist's Work Would Live
Condemns Other Writers.

You may have histories. but you
cannot have novels on periods SO long
ago. A novel can only reflect the
moods of men and women around us,
and, after all, in depicting the present
We are dealing with the past, because
the one is EMBODIED in the other. ]
cannot stomach the modern histor
ical novel any more than l can novels
which are three-fourths dialect
Thackeray's note was too monoton'
Gus; the Great Hoggarty Diamond.
next to Vanity Fair is most likely
to live: it is full of excellent fOoling
l met him and Dickins only a very
few times. Not much Of Dickins viii,
live, because it has SO little CORE.
spOndence to life. He was the 1ncar'
nation of cockneydOm, a caricaturist
who aped the mOralist; he should
have kept to short stories. II his
novels are read at all in the future
people will wonder what We saw II
them. save some possible element OF
fun meaningless to them. The worl0
will never let Mr.. Pickwick, who tC
me is full of the lumber of imbecility
share hOnors with Don QuixOte.
never cared for William Blacks nov
els; there is nothing in them but fish
ing and sunsets. George Eliot had the
heart of Sappho, but the face, with
the long proboscis. the protrudine
teeth as of the Apocalyptic horse. be-
trayed animality. What Of Lewes?
oh, he was the son of clown; he
had the legs of his father in his
BRAIN "-Fortnightly Review.
The Columbus journal., 1909-08-25
UPSET FORCE OF ARGUMENT.
Undeniabie Truth Of BIacksIidina
Youths Assertion Somewhat Stag.
gered Teacher.

When the kid went to Sunday school
at a time of year when there were no
presents being given away and told
the teacher he wanted to join the class
she felt highly elated.' This particu.
lar teacher had often noticed the kid
while on her way to the school, and
had SO often urged him to abandon
his evil habits of playing marbles on
Sunday. swearing. chewing tobacco.
smoking. aud like pleasures, and re-
form by Joining the Sunday school.
The kids reform, however. seemed
too acQuiescent to be lasting. but fol
some time the teacher saw nothing
out of the way in his conduct Appar.
emily all the habits Of which she had
complained had been cast aside. and
he has become an exemplary youth.
That the casting aside of evil dOings
was not actual. though. was shown
when she paid an unexpected week
day visit to him. She found him
smoking cigarette.
"Oh. am SO sorry" she said. How
do you ever expect to go to heaven il
you insist on smOking?"
What's that got to do with it," he
questioned.
'Why. nothing unclean-and your
breath Is unclean-ean enter the gates
of heaven"
oh" he replied; Il amt gOin' to
let that trouble Inc. You see. when ]
die I'm going to leave my breath be
hind!"-New York Times.
The Columbus journal., 1909-08-25
MANY WORKED ON WIRELESS
Experimenting with the
Prinelple.

Wireless telegraphy has many dis
coverers. As has been 30 often the
case in any branch Of physics, wheth-
er pure or applied, the name Of Lord
Kelvin Is associated with the diseov.
cry. In 1853 he gave forth the theory
Of oscillation. In 1865 Maxwell pro
pounded the theory of electrical
waves. and in 1883 Hertz practically
discovered them. Sir Oliver Lodge
was looking for the waves at the
same time, and was successful in
finding them running along wires in
the same year that Hertz discovered
them going through space. In 1890
he was able to take q further step.
developing the receiving arrange
ments for the detection of these
waves by means of the principle
which he decided to call syntony.
At the same time another word,
Coherer. was added to the language.
In 1894 he was able to give q demon.
stration before the British association
of signaling across space without
wires. and about the same time he
published a book.
In 1895 Admiral Popon of the Rus
sian navy and Capt. Jackson of tho
English navy carried the idea a little
further, and then in 1896 Marconi took
up the matter with great pertinacity
and marked success.
The Columbus journal., 1909-08-25
STATESMEN SAW GREAT LIGHT
Few Remarks Made by Standardized
Convinced Them They Had No
Protest Coming.

"A mild-mannered and genial Ten
neseean, named Galloway, was elected
to the state senate from Shelby coun
ty." said Secretary Dickinson of the
war department, himself from Tennes'
see, but there was a protest over IL
because. it was claimed, Galloway had
been concerned in q duel In his young
er days. The time came for swear
ing in the senators and the clerk
called the roll by counties. When
Shelby county was reached Galloway.
wearing a long frock coat, stepped
into the aisle.
'Mistuh president and senatuhs,
he said, L have heard of this yere
protest against my sitting in this body
as senatuh because l once engaged
in an affair of honah. Now, sub,
want to say that l did engage in an
affair of honah in my younger days
in the state of Mississippi, and latuh
in another affair of honah in the state
of Arkansaw. Once again l engaged
in an affaih of honah as second, not
as a principal, in the state of Missis
sippi
- contend, sub, that the state of
Tennessee has no jurisdiction Ovuh
what is done in other states, and am
here to say, sub, that if any senatub
thinks otherwise and does not vote
for me at this time l shall call him
out, by CAD, suh!-call him out and
hold him personally responsible to me
sub. That's ALL
And they all voted for him."-Sat-
turday Evening Post.
The Columbus journal., 1909-08-25
New Bone for EinQer.

Surgeons in all parts of the country
are taking great interest in the re
markable surgical operation which has
just been successfully performed in
Trenton, N. J., by DR.. E. B. White, for
merly head of the staff of the McKin
ley hospital. Several weeks ago ten
year-old Walter Barry was playing in
his fathers barn with a hay cutter
and his hand slipped through the feed
chute. One of the fingers on his left
hand was completely severed between
the first and second points.
DR.. White was called and tried tC
have the bones united by stitching the
severed parts together. but failed. AS
a last resort. before entirely amputat
ing the finger. the surgeon removed
the bone between the first and second
joints and allowed the secretiOns OF
the body to fill the space, practically
growing a bone in place of the one re
moved.
The Columbus journal., 1909-08-25
The Polite Professor.

Lieut. Shackleton, the Antarctic ex.
plorer, in a manly speech which he
made in reply to the toast of his
health by Mr.. Heinemann at the din
ner given by that gentleman at the
Savoy hotel. London, told an interest.
ing story of politeness in the untrod
den regions of the Antarctic. His
party, he said, were always extremely
good-humored and polite, and one pro
fessor in particular attained a degree
of pOliteness unusual under such try
ing circumstances. Are you busy,
Mawson?' he called out one night tc
another member of the party who was
in the tent. I am said Mawson. Very
busy? said the professor. Yes. Very
busy If you are not too busy, Nav
son, l am down a crevasse.' The pro-
fessor was found hanging down a ere.
vase by his four fingers, position
which he could not have occupied fol
any length of time"
The Columbus journal., 1909-08-25
Could Coin Word, But Not Job.

Could Coin Word, But Not Job.
Dear Sir said an applicant for q
position to the secretary of the treas
ury. according to the Saturday Even
ing Post. Il am very anxious to obtain
remunerative employment in the treas.
ury department. While my education
al advantages do not qualify me for
any of the higher places, l could fill
one of the minor places to advantage
and l respectfully apply for the posi-
ton of chief cuspidorian of the de-
partment."
The letter came to Assistant Secre-
tary Reynolds for reply. and he wrote
as follows:
Dear Sir-I regret very much that
nothing can be done for you. There is
no such place as chief cuspidorian
You have coined the word. but l can.
not coin the job"
The Columbus journal., 1909-08-25
Oeadhead's Nerve.

Oscar Asche, who, with his wife.
Miss Lily Brayton, is on his way tc
Australia. his native land, which he
left Is years ago, remarked just be
fore he set sail, apropos the slump in
theaters, that the deadhead is a de
stroyer of drama.
While l was touring with a Ger
tain highly respected manager we
were playing at long famous old
playhouse in an ancient town. We had
billed Macbeth for the Friday night
but during that day the theater was
burned down. For our next week
there our chief contrived to borrow
playhouse q little way out of the dis.
trict. On reaching there to rehearse
IN Monday the manager received
letter saying that the writer had been
given two dress circle orders for the
performance of Macbeth but as that
play was not performed owing to ths
destruction of the theater, the writer
surmised that the manager would re-
NIT the money value of those orders"
The Columbus journal., 1909-08-25
BOUGHT PROFESSOR A FLAG.
Instructor Who Stood Out for
Principle.

The late Prof. Arthur Latham Perry
OF Williams college. the widely-known
free trader, was accustomed to edify
his political economy classes in the
seventies with the statement that he
would never buy flag for the tall
Flagstaff on his new house until the
tariff was taken of bunting.
The class of 1879. in it's junior year.
determined that the much-lOved pro
lessons house should not be without
this patriotic adornment indefinitely.
as 1t babe fair to be SO far as the
tariff and the professor were con
cerned. Accordingly. very large
flag was bought by class subscription.
and one day. at the close of the lee
ture hour. it was unveiled in the pro-
fessor's lecture room and presented to
the professor by one of the class in
a very humorous speech, to which the
professor appropriately responded, de
charging in his opening sentence:
"YOu could not have done a kinder
thing if you had thought ten years.
This flag fioated over the professors
house on all patriotic days during the
remainder of his life.
When the survivors of the class of
1879 entered the banquet hall recently
for their 3Oth reunion dinner, they
were surprised and pleased to find
that the family of Prof Perry had
caused the wall back of the head OF
the table to be draped with that old
lag-a delicate and touching reminder
of a pleasant college episode of 81
years ago.
The Columbus journal., 1909-08-25
Fietcherism and Walters.

''Fletcherism may be good for the
digestion of the diner, but it is bad fol-
he pocketbook of the waiter" said q
restaurant proprietor. People who
chew according to Fletcher sit at the
table SO long that they keep other Gus
toners away, and SO cut down the
number of tips. You don't see many
of these scientific eaters at Inch
time-even the Fletcherites don't have
time to keep tab on the movement OF
their jaws then; but at night there
are many people abroad who eat by
rule. You can pick them out in
any restaurant. They count as they
maSticate.
Il have two regular customers who
chew exactly 100 times on one bite OF
bread alone. At that rate you can
figure how long it will take to get
through a meal. Also, you can un,
derstand that the walters don't think
much of Fletcher and his disciples"
The Columbus journal., 1909-08-25
FATHER WAS "WlSE" TO GAME
cidents Of His Own Col
ieee Days.

A student at the University of Penn
sylvania had been going a fast pace
with the boys of his class and fra
ternity and had had frequent inter.
views with father concerning debts
and other financial troubles occa
stoned by the drain his pleasures had
made on his source of supply
Several times the governor" had
been compelled to get various articles
of value back from the boys uncle
and the relation of provider and spend
er was strained.
One day the student wired father
that his watch had fallen into deep
water in the Schuylkill river and he
wanted lat once" $25 to hire a diver
to recover it. The answer came as
follows:
Nothing on the $25 Cheaper to
soak the watch where it is"
The Columbus journal., 1909-08-25

Chinese Secret Societies in Java.
An ordinance just passed in Java
falls heavily upon Chinese societies
In Netherlands, India A fine of LOG
guilders or three months rigorous i'm
prisOnment is the penalty for every
Chinaman found in possession of Sc
cret society documents or emblems
or caught wearing the distinguishing
marks of these organizations.
Those who preside over the meetings
OF such societies. allow meetings tc
be held In their houses or fail to in.
form the authorities of such gather.
ings being held incur similar penal.
ties. The latter also fall upon China.
men who recruit for these societies
supply them with money or give them
help IN any way.
The Columbus journal., 1909-08-25
COULD NOT MAKE A CONVERT
Suburbanite Was Wasting His Time
Talking to Unregenerate
City Man.

The suburbanite was dilating upon
the beauties of country life. relates
the New York Times.
You should see my garden!" he ex.
claimed, rapturously.
The roof gardens are good enough
for me-" replied the dweller within
the city's gates.
But the moonlights." continued the
suburbanite. You should see the
moonlight shimmering on the land
scape."
Il prefer the electric lights SHIN
mering on Broadway" said the unre
generate city man.
Still the suburbanite was not to be
gainsaid.
"Ah, but the air. It 10 like wine"
he babbled.
We'll. l don't see that you have
anything on me-" replied the city
man. There's brewery right around
the corner from where l live, and you
can smell the hops at any time of the
day or night"
Realizing the futility of further rea-
soning. the suburbanite ran for his
train.
The Columbus journal., 1909-08-25
THIEVES TO CATCH THIEVES.
Many Former Bandits Now Enrolled
in Mexieo's Famous Corps Of
Mounted Police.

The rurales or mounted police have
pretty nearly put stop to brigandage
Several years ago the government
recognized the wisdom of the old
adage. "Set a thief to catch a thief, :"
and offered pardon and protection to
all brigands who would enlist as
ruraleS.
Most of them took advantage of the
offer, writes Dillon Wallace in Outing,
and with these men on the side of
law and order holdups soon became
infreQuent, and the rurales developed
into a wonderfully efficient mounted
force to hunt down bandits. They are
fearless riders. they know every noun.
tain pass and fastness. and when they
once start after a man he is pretty
sure to be caught or killed-generally
killed.
The rurales of Mexico compare ia
vorably in bravery and reckless dar
ing with that wonderful organization
the Northwest Mounted Police of Can
ada and are by far the best armed
force in Mexico. Their calling gives
them opportunity for wild adventure
and thus satisfies the craving for a
life of danger. which led many OF
them to be brigands in the first in
stance. They are a free and easy
lot. quite in contrast to the peaceably
inclined policemen of the towns and
the slow moving, indolent soldiery OF
the regular army.
The Columbus journal., 1909-08-25
A Fruitful Potato Plant.

Not satisfied with yielding an enOr.
nous output in the regular way, an
Irish potato vine growing in the
garden of C. C. Nall at Luthersville
Ca, some time ago began to put out
potatoes all along its branches. and
when sent to the Constitution Office
the other day. had potatoes as large
as eggs growing practically all over
the vine.
In q letter accompanying the freak
Mr. Nall states that the vine grew in
his garden, where the land Is a mix
ture of sand and red clay. On TAX
ing up the plant, he found that the
Industrious vine had not neglected its
regular duty while pulling of its un.
usual stunt. as proven by the fact
that an unusually large number of pc
tatOes were found in their accustomed
place in the ground.-Atlanta COnstt
tuition.
The Columbus journal., 1909-08-25
The Shorter Word.

The day before Christmas Edith,
aged ten, had a number of packages
tied up for distribution. The doc.
tor felt of one intended for Uncle
JOhn'-and the rest is as the New
York Sun prints it.
That's some tobacco" said the doc.
tor, as he fingered the package.
How can you tell?" asked Edith.
Because l am a good diagnosti.
cian," he replied.
Then as Edith seemed somewhat
dazed at the big word. the doctor in
quired:
DO you know what a diagnostician
iS?"
YES" she answered, promptly, Its
a good guesser."
The Columbus journal., 1909-08-25
Cured Hen Of Desire to Set.

A Marion CO., woman has discoy.
cred an original practice for breaking
hens of the practice of Matching, re
gardless of duckings, which is an old.
fashioned method of prevention. The
woman had such hen, which she put
to set on a nest of two china eggs
and an ordinary alarm clock with the
alarm set When the alarm went of
the hen came of the nest with a clut
ter and shrieking that disturbed the
entire neighborhood. The hen has
not been near the nest since
The Columbus journal., 1909-08-25
His Important Service.

One OF the greatest nuisances OF
travelling is tipping. A smile from a
head waiter is costly commodity.
and no mental service Is too small fol
remuneration. An unusually ingenious
plea for tip is that of small Hi
bernian. mentioned by Mr.. John Au
gustus O'Shea in Roundabout Recol
lectiOns." The author was travelling
in Ireland.
I drove down to the station on the
faint chance of catching the train to
Dublin. When ! got out of the cab a,
the station a bright-faced boy accosted
me.
"Ah. sure. SIR. you've just missed
the train" he said.
1t was true. l booked my luggage
and ascertained when the next traiE
would leave. While I was waiting the
lad came up to me and asked me fol
tip.
What fOr?' I asked.
Sure, sir. l told you that you were
too late" he unblushingly responded
The Columbus journal., 1909-08-25
Port Arthur Barracks q School

Port Arthur Barracks a School.
1t Is curious aftermath of the great
war between Russia and Japan and of
the vast program of ambitious aggres
sion which eliminated in the war thar
the japanese government has decided
to convert the Russian barracks al
Port Arthur into a high industrial
school (kOka gakudo). The fact is an.
nounced by the Official Gazette. and
the numbers and ranks of the officials
forming the faculty of the school are
detailed. The institution is to be un-
der the jurisdiction of the governor
general Of Kwantung. The destination
Of these speciOus barracks had long
been a subject Of discussion and CON
lecture. and the japanese government
is to be congratulated on the use to
which 1t has finally determined to put
them.-Japan Mail.
The Columbus journal., 1909-08-25
Absent Minded.

wilkins is the most absent minded
cuss ever met"
How so?"
"Why, the last time he got into the
BARRIERS chair he pinned the newspa.
per around his neck and began to read
the towel"
The Columbus journal., 1909-08-25
SC0TLAND'S LOW DEATH RATE
Statistics Show the Land of the This
tie to Be One Of the HeaIthiest
on the Earth.

Scotland. according to the latest
statistical returns. has a population
Of 4.826.O00. which Is less than the
population of London. There is a
small annual increase, some $4,000,
which would be larger were 1t not
for emigration. the hardy young Scots
going forth to seek their fortunes in
other lands. So it happens that there
is an excess of rather more than TO-
900 females over males.
In 1908 there were 131.337 births
in all Scotland and 1889 deaths.
which made the death rate per 1000
only 1913: and there were 1883 mar
riages.
The death rate for the last year was
lower than that of the preceding ten
years. a noteworthy fact. and when
We consider that the present Geath
rate of Scotland is about third Of
that of the federal district here we get
some notion Of how remarkably heal
thy Scotland is. even allowing fO- its
few congested centers Of population
and the great consumption Of whisky.
Edinburgh. the capital. which was
once called the fever hole of Europe"
IL row one of the healthiest cities on
the globe. owing to the great work
of rehousing the poor that was accom-
plished there generation ago by pub
Mc-spirited citizens.
The Scots are. as a rule, a strong |
I'll
their climate cannot be |
called a good one. in the sense Of
being agreeable, but 1t makes strong |
men and women. The most benign |
blessed with blue skies and
almost constant sunshine. do not
make such sturdy people as the lands
Of mist and raw winds.
The Columbus journal., 1909-08-25
At a DISADVANTAGE.

IT'S all right to talk to some men
about climbing the ladder of success e
said Newarker who is trying to raise
a family of seven on $14 q week, but
when man is fiat on the ground and
the ladder is standing on top of him. Il
amt q fair line of preaching"
The Columbus journal., 1909-08-25
On Her Eve.

Wagg-Horrible street car accident
wasn't It?
Snag-What was it?
Wagg-A woman had her eve on 8
seat and a man sat down on it
Exchange
The Columbus journal., 1909-08-25
Society Item.

The vacation season is now on"
Yes; l am about to notify the so
ciety editors that I have closed m.
stately hall bedroom for a giddy sea
son OF two weeks which will be
spent In q palatial tent."-Kansas
City Journal.
The Columbus journal., 1909-08-25
Not Oisinterested.

A Massachusetts, professor says
tough beef is as nOurishing as the
choicer cuts. Sounds like the utter.
ance of a man who owns a dental par
lOr or a pepsin factory.-New York
Evening Telegram.
The Columbus journal., 1909-08-25
His First 1houQht.

While skating, he had ventured on
thin ice and gone through into the
pond. Just as he was about to 60
down for the third time his compan.
ions dragged him forth. Now he
stood by the bank, dripping wet and
thoroughly dazed. He gazed about
him vacantly.
IL must 90 back for my glasses"
he said.
The Columbus journal., 1909-08-25
cron Ma 4 Failure.

Il suppose you know of my family
tree?" said Baron Fucash. Yep" an
swered Mr. Cumrox. 1T may have
been a good tree, all right, but 1t
looks to me as If the crop was a fail
ure."
The Columbus journal., 1909-08-25
The Brute.

Wife-That vicious dog next door
bit mother again this morning. and
Id like to know what you're going to
do about it?
Husband-Iu ask him how much
he wants for the dog!
The Columbus journal., 1909-08-25
Another Nindication.

The public has some rights. at least
An Illinois Judge says q woman who
has just eaten garlic may be elected
from theater. However, 1t is i'm.
piled that she may not be killed
Rochester Herald.
The Columbus journal., 1909-08-25
aevond Mortal Power,

You can put letters on criminal.
and you can quell a beast to submis-
sion, but you can't bend the subtle
mischievous woman-spirit bent on do
ing harm"-The Inner Shrine.
The Columbus journal., 1909-08-25
SEEMS PROVISION OF NATURE
Remarkable Resemblance Between
Couples Noted by New York
Soeioioqist.

OF course there is no end of OppOr.
tunity in New York to study types
said a sOciologist of that city, land
have seen one peculiar combination
here that l have never observed else
where, though l have no doubt 1t can
be found in other places. That is.
couples who look alike. No. do
not mean wives who look like their
husbands. That is not unusual. es-
pecially among elderly people. who.
having similar conditions throughout
their lives. have grown to resemble
each other. l mean that a husband
and wife will look like another hus-
band and wife.
For instance, l have a cousin who
is tall, slim. dark man. with strong
ly marked face-long and thin-and
his wife Is pronounced, handsome
blonde. of the rather plump variety.
with an aquiline nose Twice in New
York l have seen on the cars other
couples who looked SO like my rela.
tives that I have been on the verge
of speaking to them. 1t seems to indi-
cate to me a basis for Schopenhauer's
theory that selection Is always seeking
to establish or revert to the type
Another peculiar thing about types
IS that people who resemble each
other are subject to the same diseases.
l can tell croupy looking man or
woman as far as l can see one. On
looking at a certain man or woman
can tell what disease he or she is
most afraid of, and is. consequently,
most subject to, and it will be the
same for every other individual of that
type.
Proves what? oh. we'll, every one
can work out his own kind of q proof
nowadays"
The Columbus journal., 1909-08-25
An Essential.

Its all right fur the pot to call the
httle black providin' they both gel
c0lored over the same fire."-Bostor
Herald.