Five Mile Beach weekly journal., 1909-01-08
Smoked Ham Diet.

ed, was lazy and shiftless.
Like all lazy men, Bill Scott had an
appetite. His appetite also had a pref
erence He loved oysters, chicken,
porterhouse steak and clam chowder,
but what he loved above all was smok-
ed ham. He liked 1t fried or boiled or
baked, and he could never get enough
of 1t. The only way he could get ham
was to steal it, and many of the vii
layers and farmers objected to his
midnight visits to their smokehouses.
Among the DIRECTORS was the Widow
Glenn, who had a farm a mile away.
She was also one of those interested
in seeking to ave Bill from himself.
Perhaps she was the only woman in
the world who would have thought of
combining ham with reform. The idea
came to her In a dim, underlined way,
but she kept at 1t until she worked it
out. One day after being told by her
hired man that he had seen Bill Scott
scouting about the smokehouse the
evening previous she entered into a
little conspiracy. The door was left
unlocked, the hired man hidden neal
by, and ext night as Bill was taking
a han off its roost the door was slam
med shut, and be found himself a
prisoner. When morning came the
widow drove to town to see Mrs.
Glenn, and upon her return she Wis
tied the house of hams and said to the
captive:
0 course you have nothing to say,
except that you were walking in your
sleep last night, but now that you are
wide awake l nave something to say to
you. You like smoked ham. l am GO
ing to give you all you want of 1t.
Today you will eat 1t uncooked. To-
morrow you shall have 1t fried"
A chat and a jug of water were
brought In, he was furnished with a
knife and the door locked on him, and
he proceeded to enjoy himself. He ate
and be loafed and he slept. There
were twenty smoked hams hanging
above him and giving out their de-
licious odor, and why should he weary
his brain trying to solve national prob
lens? He didn't. Next morning the
widow appeared and asked him how
he would like his ham cooked for
breakfast. He said he would take it
fried, and he got it that way and a
jug of fresh water with 1t. At noon
he had it boiled, and at night it was
fried again. The amount was not
stinted There was more ham han he
had ever sat down to in his life. The
next day and the next 1t was the same.
On the morning of the fourth day, how
ever, the prisoner said to his %jailer:
"Widder Glenn, if you don't mind
I'll have taters and fried eggs for
breakfast
"But / do mind" was her reply.
"Here are twenty smoked hams going
fU6fe on n6fff. Fftrnr4srs-fn.@A-
"But my wife must be anxious apout
me, and / want to be going home"
"Your wife knows just where you
are and is not at all worried. She
hopes you will have your fill of ham,
Bill had raw ham, boiled ham, baked
and fried ham, and he should have
reveled in the occasion. 1t is human
nature to never be satisfied, and after
| lut HILL udJ uC uCniuLdC0 q ia0iNdl
change of diet, even If only to raw
sausage. He had not tasted of the last
two meals.
"Oh, but you must go ahead with
ham," replied the widow. you have
not quite finished one yet, and there
are nineteen others waiting to be eat
en-. Your second appetite may come
back to you any minute"
I'D like to live on old crusts of
bread for a change, ma'am."
"But l couldn't think of 1t. You are
a visitor, you know, and l should be
ashamed of myself to offer you crusts."
At supper that night Bill begged for
raw turnips instead of smoked ham.
AT breakfast next morning he offered
to eat potato Feelings. The widow
was firm.
"Mr. Scott" she replied, 81 don't
think you are at all grateful. I am
furnishing you the incest and sweet
est smoked ham In all Herkimer coun-
ty, and yet you kick at It,"
"But smoked ham for five days,
ma'am,' he protested.
"But I'm giving you the chance of
your lifetime. Think of being sur
rounded with eighteen and a half
hams!'
"Hams and water, ma'am!"
eyes, but I'm giving you a chance to
get acquainted with water-to acquire
a taste for It."
Ham on the sixth day, the seventh
and the eighth. The widow was bring
ing more ham when Bill Scott broke
down and said:
"Tll sign the temperance pledge.
ma'am, and if / don't keep it this time
may l be sent to prison for the re-
mainder of my days."
"And about peoples chickens and
garden stuff, Mr.. ScottT
"May 1 be struck dead If l ever med
die with them again.
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