The Birmingham age-herald., 1909-01-31
NED BRACE WRITES ABOUT GREAT
 ANNUAL GRIDIRON CLUB DINNER
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 asked The reply was an emphatic negative.
 l We are farmers, by heck" explained [ the spokesman of the countryside.
 As the commission had pressing en- gagement for an afternoon tea with the tennis cabinet there was not much time , to secure extensive data. A query as to farm topics elicited the curt retort:
 We don't get no soft money from the government. by gosh" The philosophical comment of the commissioner was that i We are all practical men and reform i always comes high" By questioning the i commission discovered that the principal i ingredient of milk was water, that farm pumps are not pastuerized; that ancient 1 eggs are "sold to city folks as strictly i fresh.' and that the component parts | of perfectly pure little farm sausages are anything out of the pig we can't eat ourselves" They were dismayed to find that porcelain bath tubs are scarce l in the country and that "open work 1 plumbing Is confused in the rural mind with open work shirt waists. The farm ] CTS complained against the mail facil- 1 ities which permit senator to send a typewriter and do not allow the farmer to frank his hay. Against the hard heartedness of the railroads which will not pay more than $40 for a COW so that 1 Tt afnt worth while to tie the old COW to the track no more" And to a party line telephone system the farmers ob- 1 jected because ''half the time you can't hear what the other folks business is" The farmers were dissatisfied with the banks because they charged us intrust every time we borrowed any money" And with the insurance companies be- cause they make difficulties over paying for burned barns when the price of hay l Is low. One agriculturalist demonstrat- ed that times were hard by showing that several families in the neighborhood are still without automobiles, and the supply of farm labor is so scarce that one of the rural delegations was compelled to work himself four or five times last sum- mer when he had pressing engagements to play seven up. Finally the commission demanded to know the most important single thing to be done for the general betterrent of farm life.
 "To move to town.' responded the farm CTS in chorus.
 Following the departure of the farm CTS Western Union Telegraph boy came rushing into the hall and handed the president of the club a cablegram Open ing it, he read: "Possum am fine," signed William H. Taft. The message came from Panama and it served to introduce Mir i Stofer who sang his famous Water melon and Possum Song" Towards the end of the dinner member arose and in a loud voice stated that the ways and means committee of the House was in session to revise the tariff and all those who had anything to say would be heard. | God save the United States" | Seated at table in front of the presi- dent were three members of the club l labeled Chairman Payne, John Dalzell and Champ Clark. Mr Payne arose. announced that the ways and means com mittee were waiting to hear good repub- licans in regard to revising the tariff. He was interrupted by Champ Clark with the advise to give them the old bunk about the tariff being revised by it's friends MT Payne replied that the republican party was the friend of the l tariff and MT. Dalzell interrupted by l saying: .'I hope they are good friends" and MT. Clark broke in with the un- | feeling comment: ''If you don't believe ! it. look at the campaign contributions i The first witness in behalf of the tariff proved to be Andrew Carnegie. To the horror and surprise of Messrs. Payne and Dalzell, who tried to assault him, Mir Carnegie arrayed garishly in kits, 1 declared for free trade on steel and 1 everything else. What reason is there ! for a tariff on steel, now that I have 1 gone out of business?" demanded Mr. Car negie. Any person who can't get along without a tariff ought to go out of busi- ness. I did"
 l Jeers from Champ Clark interrupted bit ter lamentations from John Dalzell, and
 Mir. Carnegie departed, threatening to give the committee library if its mem-
 bers took exception to his testimony. | Thereupon the triumphant minority of one
 demanded hearing for those from some
 of those from the south, my country" l who oppose the pernicious policy of pro-
 tection solely on principle" A delegation | composed of a Texan, a South Carolinian, and democrat from Florida promptly ap- l peared. Each of the southerners | nounced in unmeasured terms the per | nicous policy of protection" but the
 Texan dared the committee to remove the
 duty from hides. The champion from
 South Carolina threatened vengeance
 against anyone who would touch the duty
 on rice, and demanded a tariff on sea
 island cotton, while the Florida member
 vigorously insisted on duty on citrous fruits. At this point Mir. Clark had to be
 restrained while his two republican col
 leagues gloated.
 Do You mean to tell me that all you | democrats believe in protection?~ asked 1 the amazed Serene Payne.
 Self protection" wss the southerners
 reply.
 At this point a meek person was seen | lowering about the table.
 "Who are you?'' roared the chairman
 "OnIy a poor consumer" explained the trembling wretch.
 l What business have you here!