Evening star., 1909-06-13
HOW To RUN A
BASE BALL CLUB
Cullen Says Everybody Knows
Exactly How 1t Should
Be Done.
By Clarence L. Cullen.

| oy SAdA SASV ~. SuAASAs
Written Exclusively for The Star.
| Let us now take a short, brittle bite
off the hunk of navy twist undo the kinE
in the rear of the left-hand galus and
| take a short, fleeting fall out of the
following subject, to wit, viz. namely:
HOW EVERYBODY KNOWS EXACT
LY HOW TO RUN A BALL CLUB.
Because, you know, everybody DOES
| know how to run ball club. Everybody
says SO. and everybody is the fellow
| who ought to know, hadn't he?
| Harrigan, that's them-when 1T comes
to guiding. steering and directing the
! destnies of a ball team; particularly a
major league ball team. Leave it to
them. They're there with that know
| stuff.
| Not only are they Jeremiah to just how
| the club should be run. but they're dead
positive that the people at present run
ming the ball club that they have in mind
| are fiivs. fimzes, clucks, don t-be-longs.
| never vases. pulpnuts and inconse-
quential crumbs of incompetence.
| That's their belief. That's what they
say. That's what they all say.
| Why, say, fellerS Cant you hear 'em).
| If they had the running of that ball
| club. it wouldn't take 'em a month to
| gallop the outfit way up yonder where
| the percentage column looks so topheavy
| that it's always on the point OF railing
| down and breaking its nose. Frlnstance'
| they'd put Gilhooly on first, yank Swipe-
ser off third and slap him into the out
| field, teetotally and everlastinSly cah
| that mutt Onionsky, and
And all like that. You've heard 'em.
You know what they'd do, because
Often. too. they've imagined that you
were really listening to them. But you
never were listening. were You? Ger
tanly not. Because probably you had
| a little system of your oWn-just mayhap,
you know-whereby the club could be
polished up and made .6S7 per cent faster
The beauty of the whole thing is this:
| That it's every mans privilege to go
right on dreaming that he was designed
| and devised by heaven as boss of ball
| club. The entertaining of such fond,
| if whimsical, belief doesn't do him any
harm. nor does it do anybody else any
| harm. It's just one of those little fliv
! fantasies that we're all more or less
| liable to indulge in at one or other stage
OF our sublunary life.
| But it's when the folks who know they
| can run a ball club better than the peo-
pie who are running 1t become mussy
| and peevish over their belief that they
sort of hash up things and contribute
quite a little to the misery of people
whove got to listen to them with more
| AS long as they're merely chirpy, chat
| ty and discursive about it, and let 1t go
at that. they don't have any other effect.
one way or the other. than to create lit
lie ripples of silent laughter on the part
of the folks listening to 'em.
4 Because, y'see, it really is funny. always
/ to listen to the plans and specifications
of the people who know eggsactly how
to run ball club-to listen to the way
| they'd do it If they had the bossing of
the Job
Trouble is," the boy with the know
gurgles. when the good beavers are
| pitching why the rest of the club isn't
standing up and backing 'em. and when
the bum fingers get in, why. the club
breaks it's neck to back the punk mound
men up. and that's the answer That's
the reason we blow SO many games. see!
Well. I'd fix it this-a-way: I'd round the
bunch up and I'd say to 'em. Look a-hdre.
YOU sons O. sea cocks. If you don't put
up the proper article of ginj and pep be-
hind the finger that's going to lob 'em
over this afternoon. why, I'll fine the
That 'ud get 'em. That's the way to cap
ture their Angora! Leave 1t to muh. Ii
l had the running of 'em, I'd hand 'em
the talk. I'd put the fear of the future
so afraid of me. daggone 'em, that they d
be sneaking around corners to get out of
my way when they saw me sashayin'
down the street. That's the only way
to handle ball players-g1ye 'em the boots
Break 1t off in 'em. Take their dough
away from 'em. Kick 'em in the Stats
Make 'em buck up. Tell 'em they'll be
playing with the Muscatine team next year
If they don't behave. Gosh hang it, I'd
get the work out of 'em or I'd send vem
all to the patch-up works with dented
beans, that's what I'd do"
Thus the violent. rantankerouS gink
who knows all about the way ball club
lought to be run.
Then there's the slow-speiling, deliberate
glug who approaches the subject from
what he regards as the coldly scientific