davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1909-09-29
time TO LAUGH.
Some Vaudeville Jokelets Which AGE
Cannot Wither.

Some Vaudeville Jokelets Which Age
Cannot Wither.
Vaudeville is known as the 'laugh
trust" but not for the reason one
might think. It gets the phrase be-
cause there are a certain definite num-
Der Of devices in its category of acts
that control the laughs Of its audi
ences. The same old things are al
ways good for a laugh in vaudeville.
According to the Bohemian Magazine,
a new device, a new bit of 'business,"
a new joke, are all regarded as dan
gerous by the performers. The fol-
lowing table details some of the times
at which a vaudeville audience regu-
larry laughs:
When a comedian walks with a
mincing step and speaks in a falsetto
voice.
When a German comedian opens his
coat and discloses a green waistcoat.
When a comedy acrobat falls down
repeatedly.
When a performer asks the orchestra
leader II he Is a married man.
When a black face comedian says
something about chicken.
When a performer starts to rise from
a chair and the drummer pulls a res
ined piece Of cord so that the perform
er thinks his clothes have ripped.
When the drummer suddenly beats
the drum during a comedians song
and the latter stops and looks in his
direction.
When a tramp. comedian turns
around and discloses a purple patch
or several pearl buttons or a target
sewed on the seat of his trousers.
When the funny member Of the
troupe of instrumentalists interrupts
the progress Of a melody by sounding
a d%iscOrdant note on his trombone.
When a clown Of a team of acrobats
poises himself to do a presumably Diff
ficult feat and suddenly changes his
mind and walks away without doing
it.-New York Sun.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1909-09-29
Distinction Between a
Tramp and a "Bum."

BY REF " POWDERLY. chief Of thu Division OIL Information OF the
~ fE*, Department of Commerce IN Labor.
TRAMP IS A MAN WILLING TO WORK, BUT FORCED TO
- GO FROM PLACE TO PLACE IN SEARCH OF IT. A BUM
Is A soT, A LoAFER AND A ORONE WHO GOES INTO
HYsTERiA AT THE MENTION OF THE WORD WORK. A
HOBO Is AN INDIVIDUAL WHO GOES ON THE THEORY THAT
THE WORLD OWES HIM A LIVING AND HE is GOING TO GET 1T
BY HOOK OR CROOK.
The honest workingman need take no ofense at the criticism of
the tramp class. The HOBO OR BUM NEVER WORKED
N NEVER WILL" He is the fellow whose motto is, "The world
owes me a living" The honest workingman knows that the world
DOESN'T w HIM A LIVING UNLESS HE EARNS IT.
There is a big difference between the man who is out of a job and
CANNOT FIND ONE and the man who never had a job and
WOULD NOT TAKE ONE IF HE COULD GET IT. This
latter is the sort of man that frghtens the children in the parks. He's
the man you would" like to seize by the scruff of the neck and throw him
out into the streets.
THE SOLUTION OF THE UNEMPLOYED PROBLEM IN THE BIG
CITIES is IN THE TRANSPORTATION OF MEN WHO WANT TO
WORK TO PLACES WHERE MEN ARE WANTED FOR WORK.
There is a crying demand for labor in this country. In the fields
of the west and along the roads of the west there is a CONSTANT
CRY FOR MORE MEN. In Chicago, New York and the other
large cities there are thousands of good, handwriting men who could
fill this need if they had the chance, The trouble is they HAVEN'T
THE MONEY TO GET TO THE FIELD OF EMPLOYMENT.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1909-09-29
English a. Spoken In London.

l must confess in passing that after
a lifetime spent upon English I had
nearly as much difficulty with that Ian.
guage "as she is spoke" upon the
streets Of London by the common peo-
pie as l had with French and German
in Paris and Berlin. The most popu-
lar sensational journal Of London is
the Daily Mail. They call it the Oily
Mile. Many other words are equally un-
recognizable London Letter to Spring
field (Mass.) Republican.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1909-09-29
A Never Failing Supply.

The fond husband was seeing his
wife off with the children for their
vacation in the country. AS she got
into the train he said. But. my dear.
won't you take some fiction to ready"
"Oh. no" she Responded sweetly. II
shall depend upon your letters from
home.'-L.ondon Taller.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1909-09-29
PLANNING Ahead.

'Theater pardes." said the prospec-
tive bride, twill cost about $500 an
nually, flowers as much more and
bonbons, say, 500. Certainly we can
marry on 5000 a year."
"And have q snug surplus" suggest
ed her dad, "for such %incidentals as
grub and clothes and house rent
Philadelphia Bulletin.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1909-09-29
Equal Oppor tu-
nifty Real Object
OF Our Laws.

$~>s>~$HE first thing we need in this country rs EQUALITY
So OF OPPORTUNITY FOR EVERY CITIZEN.
NO MAN SHOULD HAVE LESS, AND NO MAN
OUGHT TO ASK FOR ANY MORE. Equality
OF opportunity is the real object of our laws and insti-
<~~>>>><*> tutons. Our institutions and our laws are not valu-
able in themselves. They r valuable only because they secure
equality Of opportunity for happiness and WELFARE FOR OUR
CITIZENS. An institution II a law is a means, not an end; a means
to be used, modified and interpreted for the public good.
FORM OF AN INSTITUTION WITHOUT INTELLIGENT REGARD BOTH
FOR ITS SPIRIT AND FOR THE PUBLIC WELFARE "a VERY
NEARLY As DANGEROUS As TO DISREGARD THE Law ALTO.
0ETHER. WHAT WE NEED IS THE USE OF THE LAW FOR The
PUBLIC GOOD AND THE CONSTRUCTION OF IT FOR The PUBLIC
WELFARE.
Our civilization rests on obedience to law. But the law is not
struction of the law works, and must work, in the vast majority of
cases FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE MEN who can hire the
best lawyers and who have the sources of influence in lawmaking at
their command. STRICT CONSTRUCTION NECESSARILY
FAVORS THE GREAT INTERESTS AS AGAINST THE
PEOPLE, AND IN THE LONG RUN mo DO OTHER
Wise. Wise execution of the law must consider what the law ought
to accomplish for the general good.
THE GREAT OPPRESSIVE TRUSTS EXIST BECAUSE OF SUB.
sERVIENT LAWMAKERS AND ADRoIT LEGAL CONSTRUCTIONS.
HERE is THE CENTRAL STRONGHOLD OF THE MONEY POWER
THE MANY TO KEEP OR WIN THE RIGHTS THEY WERE BORN
WITH. LEGAL TEcHNIcALITIEs SELDOM HELP THE PEOPLE.
THE PEOPLE,, NOT THE LAW, SHOULD HAVE THE BENEFIT OF
EVERY DOUBT.
Equality of opportunity, a square deal for every man, the protec-
ton Of the citizen against the great concentrations of capital, THE
INTELLIGENT USE OF LAWS AND INSTITUTIONS for
the public good, are real issues and real problems.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1909-09-29
Still Possible,

"Uncle, can't l be a pirate when I
grow up?"
"Sure you can. son. What do you
want to p~irate-books or plays?"-
Louisville Courier-Journal.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1909-09-29
The Critic,

"What do you think Of this picture?"
"Rotten!"
"Why. it was taken from life"
"Pity the artist wasn't."-Cleveland
Leader.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1909-09-29

The trouble isn't with n SANDER
ing tongue so much as with a thou-
sand listening ears.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1909-12-24
THE DRY SHAMPOOS.
The Dangerous Vapor Given Off by Some
Preparations.

The dangers of the dry shampoos that
have recently come into vogue are I'M
questionably not sufficiently recognized.
The growing use of some of the light
hydro-carbon or other volatile compounds
is probably fraught with the most seri-
GUS consequences, but even the appar-
emily innocuous shampoo powders have
their drawbacks. Carbon tetrachlord
seems to have been used most extensive
" in this connection, and the number
of fatal accidents which are being re-
corded makes it incomprehensible that
a drug so dangerous should be employed
at ALL Its formula, CCl-4, shows its near
relation to chloroform, and its anaes-
thetic properties are almost as marked
The yapor given off is considerably heav-
Ter than air and rapidly accumulates
around the face when the liquid is APP
piled to the scalp.
Innumerable cases of semi-consciouS
ness are reported, it is claimed. by the
English hairdressers, but the patrons
women almost exclusively, do not oh
ject, and so the playing with death
goes on. 1t is a frightful commentary
ON the faulty of the day. The vapor of
carbon tetrachlorid, aside from lis
anaesthetic or Supplying effect, is
heart poison, and in the presence of the
slightest cardiac weakness is extremely
Likely to produce fatal result
1t would seem, in view of such def
initely established facts and the several
deaths that already can be traced To
this highly toxic agent. that the use Of
all such preparations should be interdict-
ed once and for all. Society through
governmental act must once again save
the foolish from their lack of common
sense.
ShampOOing at regular intervals has
reached in the United States the status
of hygienic habit. and the benefits are
being shown in the already improved
condition of the hair and scalp of the
average man, woman or child.-Amer-
lean Medicine
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1909-12-24
American Monkeys.

The whole simian family is divided by
naturalists into two main groups, one of
world and the other exclusively inhabits
the new; and it is worth noting that only
in the invigorating, invention breeding
air of the new world have monkeys
thought of using their tails as an extra
hand. Not all American monkeys are
prehensile tailed, any more than all hui
man Americans invent typewriters or
gramophones; but no prehensile tailed
monkeys exist elsewhere. 1t is only an
American monkey, again, one of the
sakis, which has learned to use its hand
as a drinking cup, to avoid dipping, it is
supposed, its luxuriant beard in the
water All the old world species con-
tinue to mess their chins and faces by
thrusting their muzzles down into the
stream or pool.-London Times.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1909-12-24

a thousand feet 1t was found that al
though water soaked d grade of servicea-
bic common lumber could be manu-
featured from these logs and readily sold
at from So to 81 a thousand.
1T having thus been demonstrated
that great fortune in logs was lying
at the bottom of the Sabine river.
reconnaissance of the river for 400 miles
above Orange was made to determine
what its possible extent was. The re-
port from it was that not less than %
100000 feet of yellow pine logs lay on
the river bottom in every hundred miles
of that distance-at least 100000,000
feet of commercial lumber, worth on an
average So thousand at the mill, lying
accessible to the dredge and capable of
being raised easily and at small cost
Mining for this 400 miles of logs
therefore is now a profitable industry
on the Sabine river. Similar log mining
has been i'll progress on the Neches
river, which threads the great cypress
and long leaf pine region of Hardin and
other wilderness Texas counties and
empties into Sabine lake. In one year
nearly 100000 worth of logs were
raised by individual log miners from the
bed of the Neches river"
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1909-12-24

United States army, declares in his an
nual report that he could reduce the cost
of maintaining the nations military es-
adjustment if he were given more Off
GERS and new system of selection and
detail. There is waste in many direc-
tons through the ineficiency of civilian
employees and enlisted men who receive
eAtra pay for performing certain duties
in an Indifferent way. Great savings
could undoubtedly be achieved through
the Inaugural ton of system and the APP
pointment of capable men, as push for
preferment tends to load departments
with employees who are chiefly concerned
about the drawing of their salaries.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1909-12-24
Kentucky's Big Crop of Tobacco.

Kentuckys hurley and other grades of
tobacco in the 1909 crop will be in the
largest quantity ever known, nearly 400
100000 pounds. This is announced by
those Louisville banks which have been
ents in the various counties where the
weed is grown. The hurley crop. they
announce. amounts to 100000 600
pounds alone. OF this between 55 and
IS per cent. has been pooled with the
Burley Tobacco & Insurance company.
Prices this year per pound average from
u to IA cents. with 10 cents and 20
spectiyely.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1909-12-24
A Nonogenarian Does Housework.

Mrs. Christina Kaufman of 800 Pa
cifc street, Brooklyn, went over to Man
haitian to celebrate her Goth birthday,
and her son, Albert. who is 55, cele-
years engagement at the Astor house.
where he is now head waiter. Mrs.
Kaufman still does all the homework
and cooking in her home, and is great
favorite among her grandchildren. AL
bert's four children live with her. There
was reunion and a silver loving cup in
addition to many other gifts was pre-
scented. Members of the house staff at
the Astor house added to the list of pres
ants
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1909-12-24

Had the mildness of the weather in
November anything to do with the light
ness of the fire loss during that month in
Canada and the United States? The ag-
gregate for the month was only $14,S0S,-
$50, which in round numbers was 3d.
100000 below October, and which was
lower than the fire loss in any month last
year except December, and lower than
for any month in the current year ex-
cept March and June. The year 1909
undoubtedly is going to make II credita-
bic record as to fires. The aggregate fire
loss for the first eleven months of 1909
mas been $1S3,673, 700, which is forty
million dollars less than the loss in the
corresponding period of 1908 and sixteen
million dollars less than during the first
eleven months Of 1907.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1909-12-24

the breakfast room Time passed. and
no Rudolph turned up. Then the princes
lay the body of Marie Vetsera. wearing
the walking dress in which she had ar
rived at Mayerling the afternoon before.
Half leaning against her shoulder, half
upon the floor, was the crown prince, his
clothes covered with blood, and a re-
yolver in his hand. Close by on the floor
was found a small empty bottle labeled
'Strychnia."
A further search of the room disclosed
letter from "Your unhappy Marie" to
ner mother, beginning, Il am going TO
die with Rudolph" and telling how HE
has had to give his father his word of
honor that he would never see me again"
A letter from Rudolph to the Duke of
can do nothing else.''
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1909-12-24

The State Road Department of New
Jersey has at last reached a definite CON
clusion in regard to the relative values
of road surfacing, and according to an
nouncement will construct no more ma
cadam or telford roads. The depart
ment will hereafter lay roads which have
the surfacing held in place by a btu
minous binder. This is merely a modi-
fication of the macadam road, which
consists of coarse rock substratum
with surfacing of finer stone which by
is cementitious quality becomes knitted
together in one mass by the stress of
traffic. Until the advent of the automo-
bile this was regarded the ideal road,
but now it is realized that something
must be adopted that will resist the at
triton of the traction wheels of power
vehicles The macadam road with its
surfacing treated with tar, asphalt or
other like substances has been found to
be more durable than any other surfac-
ing that has yet been tried.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1909-12-24

The harbors and channels of the
Great Lakes. may be deep enough for
further development in the size of steel
steamers Tor the ore ana coal trades,
but the capacity of the interlake chan
nels seems to have been reached because
of the comparative clumsiness of the
long bulls with decks beaded with hatch
coverings. The sinking of the steamer
Steinbrenner as result of collision
in Mud Lake is an example of practical
ly the greatest danger of modern lake
traffic from the standpoint of profit. The
Steinbrenner is held down by more than
1000 tons of coal in water that will soon
be covered with thick ice. The wrecking
job will be a comparatively easy one
but it will be a cold task for the divers
and other employees.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1909-12-24
The Rights of Children.

"One hundred years ago they talked
about the rights of man; recently we are
hearing about the rights of women; we
are only beginning to consider there is
any such thing as the rights of chill,
dren," said DR.. w. II. MACPHERSON, who
has charge of the boys work for St.
Paurs Universalist church, at the week
ly luncheon of the Hawkeye Fellowship
The hope Of America" he continued,
lies in the tots of today. But modern
cities are constructed only with one idea
in mind to make money" DIR. MacPher-
son deplored the city's congested condi-
ton and urged that something be done
to secure more fresh air for children.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1909-12-24
A Convent to Be Her Prison.

Through the intervention of priest
of Toledo, O., who interested himself in
her behalf. and the leniency of Police
Judge James Austin, Jr., Maud DAILY,
who says she is a young society woman
of Los Angeles, and who was convicted
in police court on four charges of shop
lifting, will be placed in a convent in
Toledo, where she is to remain for pc
Rod corresponding to the length of time
of her sentence. This was done at the
request of her father cOnfessor. She said
that after spending several weeks in a
vain effort to secure employment she be-
gan her career of stealing from depart
ment stores in an effort to dress as well
as the women with whom she associated
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1909-12-24

The burning of the steamer Badger
State at Marine City, Michigan removes
from the roll of lake carriers a craft
whose history ran back to the palmy
days of passenger traffic up and down
the Great Lakes. The Badger State was
one of a feet of fine passenger steamers
whose lists were always large during June,
July and August. These steamers some
times took between 500 and 600 passen-
gers down the lakes from Chicago and
Milwaukee, providing sleeping accommo-
dations with cots arranged nightly
through the cabins. The difference in
time between the lake and rail trips was
not as important as it is at present. and
there was Il heavy commercial traffic in
addition to what might now be classed as
summer excursion business.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1909-12-24

One of Great Britain's new warships,
upon which work has just begun, is the
Lion, which is designated a ''cruiser-bat-
tleship." The features that make her
a cruiser are her size and the power Of
her propelling enginery, which is to be
that of 10000 horses. Her claim to
recognition as a near battleship" will
rest upon the fact that she will be armed
with ten 12-inch guns. A ship that car
ries so large a battery of big guns and
has power enough to conjure speed up
to twenty-seven knots belongs in class
that can run fast either toward an enemy
or away from him and also deliver some
hard punches during the processes of
attack and defeat. This Lion will there
fore be rOarer
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1909-12-24
WHERE is DIOGENES?
An Honest Man Discovers Himself IN
New York.


Edgar L. Pierson of 33 West Eighty
second street, New York, was formerly "a
real estate broker, director of a life III,
surance company and president Of goia
mining company. He went through
bankruptcy in 1S99-ten years ago HIS
schedules showed twentysiX creditors.
whose claims aggregated $11,92I re
had no assets, and consequently none ''
the creditors took the trouble to NJ" ID
claim. The largest claim was for sou"
owed to Stamford F. Ross. Having
passed through bankruptcy Pierson WA~
free from debt. The bankruptcy proce''-
ilngs were wound up and the matter was
long ago buried in court records ana goa
gOtten-by everyone but Pierson. Now
Pierson has applied to the United STA
district court to have the case reop'l..i
ON the ground that he has just discover ~
he owned real estate at the time ~
passed through bankruptcy. lie aiu"
know he owned the property then or "
would have gone in as an asset ne ".
only recently discovered it, ana :" Wv
wants the case reOpened and Il '.".
given his old creditors to file their r'''"'
against his property. The property
sists of 4 fourth interest in twenty
acres in tn etownship of Rarltah' ~.
Judge Hand heard the petition ana
frankly puzzled what TO do. mere -.
no precedent for such proceedln-
case was closed absolutely aud the
orS' accounts We're long ago oQ''"
But Mr.. PierSon was inSisteut anu -
judge has decided to accede L" h'
quest, giving the creditors year &,
their claims and prove them, Nj. ri.
son has made every effort I" HU. .t
former creditors, hut some are d'a"
others have moved away. sun ". ..
hopes that they or their heirs ''"'
found
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1909-12-24
The Waste of Saratoga Water

Spencer Trask and Edward N. sl-.
ard commissioners of the state reSei' ...
ton at Saratoga Springs, New YORK, a .- ~. ~.
asked Gov. Hughes to stop the '+rs
of water that is being pumped lfe EN- sr.
springs. They have also asked ~,
torney general to bring suit TO rest
the companies. 1t was on the Ir.1ss
Of these gentlemen that Gov. II a.. en-
called an extraordinary term Oh -' he
preme court to try the case aEas
spring owners of Saratoga.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1909-12-24

The Waiting endurance contest at
Butte, Montana, which was marked by
failures through exhaustion, incapacita-
ton through partial paralysis, rupture
of blood vessels, etc, and which was
ended by the authorities with three
couples on the floor with records of IA
hours and Al minutes, was bold at
tempt to drag dancing from classifcations
as the poetry of motion" into the 90
main of gridiron athletics
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1909-12-24

A prominent physician of Des Moines,
Iowa, declared in an address before the
horticultural society of that state that
apple eating kills the taste for cocktails
and other strong drink. He therefore
advises free eating of apples by those
who are inclined to be bibulous. The
recipe is worth trying.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1909-12-24

William j. Calhoun, the new minister
to China. is, like Charles r. Crane, a
Chicago man. He is a lawyer of large
practice and high standing, and has
had some experience in public life. From
1898 to 1900 he was member of the In
terstate Commerce Commission. He is
said to be not lacking in tact or in the
ability to keep his own counsel-and that
is an important qualification for the Chi
nese mission in these piping times.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1909-12-24
The Beet Sugar Probe.

Government SECRET service agents are
investigating the affairs of the Great
Western Sugar company and the Ameri-
can Beet Sugar company in Colorado.
in connection with the government :
probe of the sugar trust. They
have been in Colorado for several
weeks and have visited every town
where the company has plants. The
Great Western Sugar company was orig
inally organized by {. :. Morey of Den
YER and later went into the trust fba
American Sugar Refining company mr.
chasing 81 per cent. of the stock of tba
various Colorado companies. It il
claimed that the trust methods in tho
east were introduced in this state to
force the Independents to come into the
trust.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1909-12-24

Mrs. q. Fl. Hartman has taken over
the control of so large q part of her
late husbands vast estate that her re-
sponsibilities win require that she be at
her desk in her private office three or
four days in every week. This will not
leave much time for yellow luncheons or
pink teas, but those were never a large
element in Mrs. Harriman's life.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1909-12-24

They have gas explosions even in Ger
many, where technical knowledge is at
its greatest height and extension. The
two reservoirs at Hamburg which blew
up yesterday, killing twenty-four men,
were said to be the largest in the world.