The Fairmont West Virginian. (Fairmont, W. Va.) 1904-1914, 1909-05-11
~ Don't Want Rome"

Sicily. he got right up in the senate
and made as big an ass of himself as
Congressman Willis of New York
dare make, by opposing the distribu.
ton OF this feed except among the
people who had engraved calling.
cards, smoked a private brand of Gig.
arettes. and wore silk underwear.
Did they let him get away with
that? Ask yourself. You know the
answer Biffl Swat! They impeached
him and banished him and wished he
was back so they could do it all over
again. He couldn't have got even his
own vote for dog.catcher II he had
staid and run for second term.
So he went over to the Volscians
and raised an insurrection' against
Rome. 1t was quite an army he had
when he came back to attack Rome.
The folks at home weren't quite sure
they could stand OF him and his mob
very long.
One man who, when the story came
out, was Justly ostracised, at the UT.
gent request Of the women, got up and
said:
"As the cackling OF geese saved
Rome once, why not try it again
Let's send the women folks out to
talk him out of It,"
The Others laughed and agreed, SO
they fixed up large petticoat brigade
of suffragettes and sent them out to
where Corlolanus was sulking in his
tent-a favorite occupation for old.
timers. When they had no brown
study to go into, they sulked in a
tent.
Coriolanus' wife and mother were
at the head Of the delegation, and
they talked and talked. Finally his
wife. at a given signal agreed upon
beforehand in case he was stubborn
turned on the tears and cried awhile
At this Coriolanus threw up both
hands and said:
III this is what I'm coming back to-
don't want Rome. Where would |
live II l took it? She may do this
every once in awhile. Come on, Vols,
clans; let's beat It"
There is also very fine press.agent
story about Corlolanus and a lion
The old version Of it is that he took
brier out of lions toe in a desert
cave, and that the same lion after.
ward, through gratitude, refused 10
kill Coriolanus in an arena at Rome
But this is the truth Of the yarn, as
discovered through careful investiga.
ton by me and Plutarch:
Once in the desert Corlolauus had
gone into a cave for 4rest, when a
large lion limped in. Seeing he would
be eaten anyway. Coriolanus went to
the lion and held out his hand. 1t was
the liking of beasts" he consoled him.
self, so he wasn't coming down SO
awfully much in the social scale. The
animal felt his fever subside as Corr.
olanus' chilly paw touched him, so he
stood still while Cory gouged a honey.
locust thorn out Of his foot. Then
Cory made tracks and diln't see the
lion any more.
Afterward,, when he was taken
prisoner and had been scheduled to
be eaten by lion to make Roman
holiday. the same lion, or one almost
like II, was turned loose in the arena,
Seeing Corlolanus he shivered, saying
to himself:
What will that bunch of ice do to
my hollow tooth that's been botherlng
me so much lately?"
Just as the lion was trying to solve
this dilemma aud figure some way to
make good, the humane society officer
entered and took Coriolanus away,
saying:
"He might poison the lion II It
should eat him. Turn Coriolanus
loose and feed the lion something
wholesome"
And everybody guyed and threw
pop bottles.
Thus do the common people, who
usually hold all the Offices, hand out
citrus fruit to the swells who have
ever shown an inclination to extend 10
the proletarist the frozen mitt.
copyright, 1909 by W. g. chapman.)
Your helpwautsd I'D. win enable
you to interview all OF the peopleil
the city who would be r.eligiblea fol