davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1909-04-22

Teacher-Can anyone in the class tell me
what a lawsuit is? Small Boy-Yes
ma am, can. It's a suit worn by police
man.-Chicago News.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1909-04-22

Fine weather" remarked the passenger
so I've learned to my sorrow" replied
the chauffeur, as he gave the steering
wheel quick turn to avoid running over
policeman. I've paid three in the last
week. Judge.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1909-04-22

An Exchange of Compliments-He-
Bah! What is woman? A rag, a bone
and hank of hair! She-And man? A
jag, a drone tank of air.-Chicago
Record-Herald.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1909-04-22
HVlNOR OF THE Day

Merchant-Swannagum, your face looks
as if it had gone through a corn-sheller
Phipps, did you sell this razor to my wife
the day before Christmas2 Merchant-I
gerous CLEAN in his eye)-I have come.
sir. to request you to take 1t back and
give me the worth of it in court plaster
Chicago Tribune.
servant-Please. mum, wanted t arst
you. might we have a little Jam i'm the
Kitchen now and then to ease the butter?
Punch.
Lecturer on Art-Before 1 sit down I
shall be happy to answer any questions
that any of you may wish to ask. Gentle
enjoyed the lecture much, sir. and have .
understood it all except a few technical
mean by the words perspective, fresco
and mickle-anielo? Lecturer sits down
Observation-Disclosures Tribune.
Paw" queried little Tommy Toddles
whats parasite?' How long have you
been going to school, young MANI asked
Tommy. aWel eontin9 aeds the a oId man
there tnfieri Is something wrong with our ed
ing hasn't taught you that a parasite is a
person who lives in Paris Chicago Daily
An Exchange of COMPREHENSIVE
Bah. What hat, is woman? A rag, a bone
jag, a drone or tank of air.-Chicago
RecOrd-Herald.
Zine weather" remarked the passenger.
| so I've learned to my sorrow replied
Wheel quek urn fe avod r 1ne oVe
| a policeman. i've paid three in the last
week. Judge.
What makes that fellow so popular?''
| He'll listen to funny story without in
| sisting on telling another. kansas City
Journal.
aes say girl IL that you wish to become
line Stay put.'-Iouisyilie courier"Journal.
Mother--Alice, did 1 not see you kiss Mr..
theater last night? Alice-Yes, ma, but it
was through my veil.-Puck.
she stole your cook? Mrs Subbubs-Stole
her dressmaker--New York Sun.
| Teacher-Can anyone in the class tell me
what lawsuit is? Small Boy-Yes.
ma am, can It's suit worn by a police
Would you shoot man who assailed
peaceful citizen. I'D rather take
chance on his personal OPINION than go
before a jury with story that might con
right Washington Star.
Browns an ingenious fellow What's
| he doing now?" Teaching silk worms to
sing cocoon songs."-Bellman
Reporter-Do you think this long dis
lance walking benefits you? Mr.. Econ
omy-Sure! 1 save cents every trip.-St.
| Louis Times.
| He-If you refuse me I shall never love
another woman. She-Am to infer that
you will If 1 accept you?-Boston Tran
script.
why do you call that grating poll
tician 'Corkscrew' % Because. although
he's crooked: he has good pull, Brown
| ing's Magazine.
| Miss Gotrox-I simply dote on soldiers.
Are you son of Mars? The Count-No.
but should like to become her son-in-
| law.-London Mail.
| why do you laugh so hurriedly when
your husband tells story?" eff / don't
| laugh promptly he tells 1t all over again.
l-Catholic Standard.
| Wagge-Yes, he is a distant relative Of
mine. Maudie-How distant? Wagge-Oh.
| about ESQ, 900 removed.-Illustrated Bits.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1909-04-22
Bad Year for Maine Ships.

The year just passed was bad one
for the large fleet of Maine schooners
that are engaged in the coal and lum-
Der carrying trade along the cost. Pre-
vious to the financial panic of 1908,
the coal freights from Norfolk. Bal
timore News, and Philadelphia to Bos-
ton or Portland were from 80 cents to
81 a ton. At these rates, the large
four, five and six masters made an
average Of 90 per cent on the invest
ment. When the panic came the bot
tom dropped out of the coal-carrying
business, and freight rates went down
to rs cents a ton. then 81 cents. then
so cents. and even as low as S5 cents.
At these rates the vessels were not
averaging over 6 per cent on the in
vestment, which is very small consid-
ering the hazards of the business.
Some of the owners take a chance and
do not insure their parts, while those
that do carry insurance are Obliged
to pay a rate of per cent on new
vessel. and a corresponding increase
according to the age and rating of an
older vessel.-Kennibec Journal.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1909-04-22

Paw" queried little Tommy Toddles,
whats a parasite?' How long have you
been going to school, young mann" asked
Ioddles, Sr. -Four years." answered
Tommy. WELL continued the old man,
there is something wrong with our ed
ucational system IL your years of school
ing hasn't taught you that a parasite is n
person who lives in Paris. ''-Chicago Daily
News
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1909-04-22

your veracity?'' No. answered the
peaceful citizen. I'D rather take a
chance on his personal opinion than go
before jury with story that might con-
vince the general public that he was
right. washington Star.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1909-04-22
Dental Forceps in Antiquity.

Dr. Sudhon not long ago read a pa
per before the Leipzig Medical society
on dental forceps in antiquity. He
said that even before the time of Hip
pocrates references to the use of such
instruments are found, but no speci-
mems are met with among the surgical
implements belonging to classical
times that have been discovered. This
can only be due to the material Of
which they were made. Unlike the
mass of other Greco Roman surgical
instruments. which were nearly all of
bronze, the dental forceps Of antiquity
must have been made of iron or steel,
although no medical writer mentions
the fact. In the Aristotelian "Mechan-
ical Problems" however, there is a
passage which, according to DIR. Sud-
hof, has hitherto been overlooked, in
which 1T is mentioned as familiar
fact that dental forceps were made
of iron. In the museum at Homburg.
where there is an almost unrivaled
collection Of iron implements, two
steel-plated forceps, one for the up
per, the other for the lower jaw, have
been found. That dental forceps
should have formed a part of the
armamentarium of a military surgeon
in remote outpost shows in what
common use the instrument was
British Medical Journal.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1909-04-22

Lecturer on Art-Before / sit down I
shall be happy to answer any questions
that any of you may wish to ask Gentle
man in Audience (from st. Louis)-I have
enjoyed the lecture much, sir and have
understood it all except a few technical
m means bv WI tb You d please tell me what you
and mickle-anielo? Lecturer sits down
scouraged.-Chicago Tribune.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1909-04-22

Merchant-Swannagum your face looks
as If 1T had gone through corn-sheller.
What's the matter? Swannagum-Mr.
Phipps, did you sell this razor to my wife
the day before Christmas? Merchant-I
presume 1 did. Swannagum with a dan
gerous CLEAN in his eye)-I have come.
sir. to request you to take 1t back and
give me the, worth of it in court plaster
Chicago Tribune.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1909-04-22

Browns an ingenious fellow" What's
he doing now?" " Teaching silk worms to-
sing cocoon songs.'-Bellman.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1909-04-22

Servant-Please. mum, wanted t arst
you. might we have a little jam i'm the
kitchen now and then to ease the butter ?
Punch.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1909-04-22
Can Avert Mine Disasters.


Government experiments made at
the testing laboratory of the United
States geological survey here seem to
have solved the problem of prevent
ing dust explosions in coal mines. The
method employed is to force steam
from an exhaust pipe through the
air currents caused by the ventilating
fan in the mine, and the experiments
have proved successful in every in
stance.
: A miniature mine was constructed
at the testing plans, and the condi-
lions inside were made as nearly as
possible like those of real mine,
with an abundance of dust in it. In
the presence of mine superintendent,
foremen- and engineers, steam was
turned into the dust-laden air of the
miniature mine, and it was found i'm
possible to cause an explosion. Cold,
dry air was then forced into the mine,
and the explosion occurred almost in
stantly. The same experiments were
made repeatedly, with the same re-
suits.
This use of exhaust steam was sug-
gested two years ago, and put into
effect by President H. A. Kuhn. of the
Pittsburg and Westmoreland Coal
company. Since resorting to this
measure as precaution, explosions
have been unknown in these Mines
Pittsburg tPa.) dispatch to New York
World.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1909-04-22

Reporter-Do you think this long dis
lance walking benefits you? Mr. Econ
omy,-Sure! I save cents every trip.-St.
Louis Times.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1909-04-22

He-If you refuse me I shall never love
another woman. She-Am to infer that
you will If 1 accept you?-Boston Tran
script.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1909-04-22

''Why do you laugh so hurriedly when
your husband tells a story" eff 1 don't
laugh promptly he tells 1t all over again.
Catholic Standard.
Wagge-Yes, he is a distant relative Of
mine. Maudie-How distant? Wagge-Oh.
about ESQ, 900 Observation-Disclosures Bits.
The Brattleboro reformer. (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1907-1912, 1909-06-25
FREE HIDES.

Advices from Washington Tuesday an
nounce that Senator Page went on rec
ord Monday in favor of free hides. While
this is against the stand taken by many
farmers in Vermont it is by no means
against their interests though they may
not see it in that light at this time. 1t
is a fact that the only people who have
demanded free hides have been the pack.
ing interests. 1t is also a fact that we
are today obliged to import nearly one
half of the hides used in the manufacture
of leather in this country. This being so
it is an indefensible position taken by
the packing interests that we should pay
Is per cent duty on what hides we i'm
port. We are not protecting an Ameri-
can industry when we levy this Is per
cent tribute, for it is only a tribute For
the sake of argument let us concede that
the leather manufacturing industry should
contribute it's quota to the general fund to
be raised through the medium of a tariff.
How much does the Is per cent duty on
hides add to the governments strong box?
For five years past it has added, under
a Is per cent duty, the sum of less than
two millions per annum. What has the
duty done for the American manufacturer
of leather? 1t has permitted him to go
to South America for his hides, bring
them into this country and tan them, but
he must sell them to the foreign manu-
facturer of shoes and harness less the
amount of the drawback Those same
hides when tanned and sold to the Ger
ma and English shoemaker, went to South
America in the shape of shoes, harness,
and saddlery, at prices we could not meet,
and accordingly we have had no reciprocal
trade relation in this class of commodities
with South America when we ought to
have had South America is entitled to
expect it. We could sell the tanned hides
back to our friends in the Argentine, and
take our drawback, but not in the shape
of manufactured articles for the simple
reason that we cannot compete against
the foreigner in the manufacture of the
heavy grades of footwear
What hides we do not import are con-
trolled by the great packing interests,
and already the packers have embarked in
the tanning of leather and are acquiring
holdings in shoe manufacturing concerns.
The packing interests have fought tooth
and nail for the retention of the duty on
hides, being satisfied to pay the Is per
cent on what they may import, if their
plants need to import, well knowing that
they have the American market by the
throat in making the price on American
hides.
Senator Page listened to all the argu-
ments put forth by the brilliant attorneys
for the beef trust and had the stamina to |
stand for what he not only believed but |
what he could not but know was right. |
He has played no politics and despite the
stand taken by Senator Aldrich and the
western contingent in the senate, who
have fought for the retention of the duty
on hides. Page has been one of the stand
patters that showed moments of lucidity.
The Brattleboro reformer. (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1907-1912, 1909-06-25

Lamoille county legends tell of the
other world as he reads of the ex-
PLOTS of the Honorable Frederick and
sees "Fleety's" picture in Charlie Cum
mings's gallery of live ones.
Most everyone calls the Honorable
Frederick, Erred" even the ladies.
Morrisville maids lose interest in the
responsive reading on Sunday morn as
Freddie takes his place behind the
choir rail in the Congregational church,
and the organist pulls out the tremolo
stop. The anthem is always selected
to match Fred's neckwear and hosiery.
While seamy -browed politicians plan
intrigues, while captains of industry
white the little end of nothing, and
endeavor to scalp the Indian on the
penny in the fight to maintain front
row position in the commercial arerl,
while the reuben of the hillside tolls,
while the millionaire satiates his desire
for entertainment by computing com
pound interest on his daily bank bal
ance, Freddie continues to play the
premier part in "Only a Gentleman"
Some years ago a bunch of seven
cent offshoots from the old political
bush conceived a scheme to lay hand
some Fred on the shelf, and made him
a secretary of state. They planned
that the grind would leave wrinkles,
but Freddie escaped the wrinkles,
thanks to the aid Of deserving young
fellow sworn in as deputy secretary.
The Brattleboro reformer. (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1907-1912, 1909-06-25
FREELY AND GENEROUSLY.

We have no personal quarrel with the
trustees of the Thompson fund, but we
believe they are radically wrong in their
method of. administration wrong, in fact,
in the Interpretation which they put upon
the will whose terms are supposed to gov
ern them. As the trustees view the mat
ter, no person is eligible to an actual gift
from the fund unless in addition to be-
ing seamstress, needle-woman, or shop
girl, she be absolutely penniless. Other
wise the trustees viii loan the beneficiary
what they consider a sufficient amount of
money, but the beneficiary in return must
give the trustees lien on whatever prop
erty she may possess. The trustees course
of reasoning on the matter is something
like this. Assuming that a person APP
plying for aid has any property small
home for example-the trustees claim that
The Brattleboro reformer. (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1907-1912, 1909-06-25


now as she did two years ago:
A public playground where the spirit
of initiative can be nurtured in the
minds of the young and the enjoyment
of outdoor life encouraged;
A deeper sense of civic pride in the
appearance of various portions OF the
town and a consequent elimination of
all eye-sores to the community;
More tenements to accommodate the
steady increase in the towns popula-
tion and facilitate the opportunity for
further growth that is on the way;
Wide publicity for the exceptional
advantages which are available to in
dustries locating in this section, and
further exploitation of the superior at
fractions Brattleboro offers as a sum-
mer resort;
More cooperation in booming the
$4,000 in 1915'' idea; less strife in
petty affairs whose relation to the gen
eral welfare of the community is re-
mote; more disinterested endeavor to
improve conditions wherever they can
be improved; less selfshness, a little
more tolerance of the shortcomings of
our neighbors, a stronger determination
to make this model community in the
truest sense.
The Brattleboro reformer. (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1907-1912, 1909-06-25

"Fleety' ought to marry. This
statement is made advisedly upon the
barefaced assertions of several very
sensible young women who intimate
that the only barrier to Mr.. Fleet
woods becoming a benedict is his APP
parent dish Sination to such a change
in his affairs. This leads to a story:
Fleetwood was down in Washington
some years ago and called to pay his
respects to Foxy Dave" Foster plas-
tered a three-sheet smile over "Fleety"
and grasped his hand with grip that
is a Cross between hair oil massage
and a shake with dead man. ''Glad
to see you, Mr. FLEETWOOD was Eos
ter's salutation. Then he followed it
up with a stereotype intended only for
Hinesburg. Goshen and Peru consump-
ton: 'fHow is Mrs. Fleetwood"
''F!eety" never even shivered. He is
a gentleman.
As a bit of diversion, Fleetwood &C.
casionally devotes himself to the prac-
tice of law
Follow-up letters from auto manu-
facturers are lost upon him. He owns
as fine a pair of high-action Morgan
horses as ever stood on dirt.
As a rule, Fleetwood wears grey
suit and overcoat to match. He is an
after-dinner speaker, yet a gentleman.
He is not a politician.
OF the eighty odd thousand words in
the English language, Fleetwood draws
the line on 'eXpedient."
The Brattleboro reformer. (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1907-1912, 1909-06-25
A Store That Keeps on Growing.

Again we find ourselves so crowded
for space that we have to expand. A
good, sizeable expansion this time, SO
that the second floor "Garment Shop"
will have more than double its former
space.
The wind of retail trade blows not
by chance. The currents are shaped
by the preferences of the public, based
on comparison of values Value is a
small word with a big meaning. 1t
means much to US because by giving
Value we have built up the business.
Every transaction in the store is an
because we realize that only by such
policy can this business continue to
develop.
1t would be interesting to show the
table of the growth of this store for
the past few years. 1t would be inter
esting to show how that growth has
been achieved-conservatively but ire
sistibly on this sound. progressive prin
ciple, governing efficient retail distri-
button of rchandise-Value.
HOUGHTON & SIMONDS
The Brattleboro reformer. (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1907-1912, 1909-06-25

We have said not little about the un-
willingness of deputy sheriffs hereabouts
to respond to calls upon their services
without first being assured that their fees
are forthcoming. We still maintain that
there are times when a sense of public
duty should outweigh all considerations of
financial nature, but it is only fair to
the officers in question to say that there
is another side. A deputy sheriff, we are
given to understand, must exercise not
little care nowadays to hold his office and
vet keep out of the bankruptcy court. I'm
less he catches a person in the act OF
committing crime he cannot arrest
without warrant, and if he secures
warrant and hunts two or three days for
a criminal without finding him there is no
way for the officer to get a cent for his
time and expense. Sheriffs hereabouts
cite instances by the score where they
have spent both time and money in the
interests of justice and have-neve been
reimbursed by the state. We have no de-
sire to lay blame on the deputy sheriffs
because they are unwilling to bear person
ally expenses which rightfully belong to
the state They do1 not pretend to be
But there is something
wrong with a judiciary system which cares
so poorly for its officers that they feel they
cannot afford to give the public the pro-
lection it has a right to demand.
The Brattleboro reformer. (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1907-1912, 1909-06-25
ALL OUT OF SORTS.
Has Any Brattleboro Person Never Felt
that Way?

Feel all out of sorts?
Tired, Blue, Irritable, Nervous?
Back feel lame and achy?
That's the story of sick kidneys
Bad blood circulating about;
Uric acid poisoning the body
Just one way to feel right again,
Cure the sluggish kidneys:
Do it with Doan's Kidney Pills.
Doan's have cured many Brattleboro
people.
Here's one case.
Mrs. George Birch, living three miles
from Brattleboro, VT, says: For five
years | was subject to attacks of kidney
complaint and suffered a great deal from
headaches and dizzy spells. Often | felt
so tired and worn out that | could hardly
get around to attend to my work. The
kidney secretions were very unnatural in
appearance and led me to believe that my
kidneys were out of order. When | was
advised to use Doan's Kidney Pills. |
procured them at f. III. Holden & Co.'S
drug store and they acted Just as repre-
sented. The lameness in my back soon
disappeared, my kidneys were strength
ened and the seeretions from these or
gans became regular. l think it is worth
a great deal to know of a remedy that
can be depended upon like Doan's Kidney
Pills"
For sale by all dealers. Price 50 cents.
Foster Milburn Co, Buffalo, New York.
sole agents for the United States.
Remember the name-Doan's-and take
no other.
The Brattleboro reformer. (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1907-1912, 1909-06-25
Our Friend Olin.
Woodstock Age.)

Our friend Hon. DIN Merrill of Enos-
burg Falls. ex-collector, and otherwise
well known for his ambitious interest in
Vermont's political affairs, is on the grill
these warm days, for there are those who
object to his reputed pretensions to the
governorship. However, there is no unan-
imous opinion that Hon. DIN won't get
what he wants.
Here is the Brattleboro Reformer quot
ing a sagacious political observer, not a
Merrill man. as saying that if he were 60
ing to pick the next governor of Vermont
he would pick Merrill:
He is not particularly well qualified
for the place, has been already well
enough taken care OF politically, and isn't
popular among the people, but he has
money and he has the organization and
it's a. part of the organizations plan to
elect him."
So the governorship is safe in the hands
of the organization again, and we are to
have another machine-made executive I'M
less there is some rapid and intelligent
thought and action by the voters who
name the members OF the next Republican
Is your town machine town, Mr..
Voter?
For Woodstock it can be said that it
wasn't much of machine town in the
asst campaign. Likewise its candidate was
The Brattleboro reformer. (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1907-1912, 1909-06-25
The Boy I Used to Be.

Wy iiSA ~ iiiOihlDOi'(
I'm going home to see the folks
just one week from today.
/ know just how the place will look
And know just what they'll say.
I'll sleep in my old wooden bed,
And I'll wake up at light,
To find the boy | used to be
Has come back overnight.
I'll lie till mother calls, 'Will, boy"
And ''Billy!" father'll YELL
Say Breakfasts ready-hustle now!
What ails ye-can't We smell?"
That will be Sunday morning, so
Wen go to church, we three,
Dad marching on a bit ahead
And ma behind with me.
There'll be straight, out sermon preached
No paltering with the Book
And dad will drink it in, and wear
His stern old Sunday look"
But mother, if | catch her eye,
She'll half smile back at me,
And slide along gumdrop to
The boy | used to be.
reckon if it comes to pass
That Judgment they foretell-
I'll plead three things | was her boy,
And that she loved me well;
And that | kept my lifetime clean,
$50 far as lay in me)
That, yearly, | might chum with him,
The boy | used to be.