davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-04
MIR. GRUMP EXPLODES ON THE LOLLYGAGGING BUSINESS

ten thousand years: and because you
like it, why, of course I've got to be
agreeable and fall for it.
Elow's that? I've got to dress? Oh,
certainly! Oh, no, I wouldn't go there
in business suit when all the other
men will be in dinner coats or evening
togs-certainly not! But I'll bet a stogie
that not one of the bunch that'n be there
ever heard of evening clothes up to about
five years ago. / s'pose you'll give me
chance to take about three puns on
cigar before YOU yank me out of here
won't you? Oh, thanks. really! Thanks
a hull lot. SO good of you, y'know. Have
l got any clean dress shirts? Oh, you
don't know, hey? I didn't expect you
would, my dear just asked to clear my
tonsils. tha's all. Say. if we've got to go
through with this thing tonight, for
heavens sake get move on and get
your buds on SOS we won't have to be
fooling around here all night. I want to
get the thing over with as soon as can.
Your hair is all ready, is it. and all you've
got to do is to slip on your dress"
Where'd YOU get the ten or fifteen pounds
Of excelsior that you've got mixed up
with your hair. anyhow? Why don't you
carry box OF kindling wood on top of
that mess of store hemp? Oh. it's the
latest Golf, is 1t? Oh, well, If it's the
latest, why. go ahead It's the latest
thing, l suppose, to look like somebody
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-04

know, but when they come TO marry they
don't marry Ruth.
Myrtle, Mae and Maize wear spotless
white sweaters. play tennis when they
get a chance, wheedle their parents for
molassassey fiction.
Marguerite is soulful, dangerous and
fond of lying abed until all the rest of
the folks have had their breakfast, and
are out of the house, whereas Margaret
is spry, alert, breezy. particularly if she
permits her intimates to call her Maggie.
Edyth is wholly different from Edith.
Edyth, you see, must have had a Senti-
mental mother or else she wouldn't have
been SO named, and therefore Edyth is
soaked, saturated and submerged in SEN
timent herself. Edyth weeps upon the
slightest occasion or upon no occasion at
all. She is necessarily being wounded
or hurt" by the quite innocent observa-
tons of her woman friends. Edyth cant
help being SO supersensitive-she says
so herself, and surely she should know
Edyth has frequent recurring sick head
aches of a most violent and alarming
character. during which periods the whole
household must dance around and wait
upon Edyth. But Edith, one can't help
but surmise, is entirely different Edith
is sunny natured. Edith goes larking
around the house, not afraid to let folks
see her with her hair in kids" She
stops at the piano and gives it a little
ragtime bang or two, then runs upstairs
to read over some letter that she got
yesterday, then races downstairs to give
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-04

the back of his neck, no matter how
makes, good as. a provider, is a slob
that doesn't belong. And you women
that haven't anything to do but loll
round your flats all day and read that
kind of truck believe it, and that's one
of the reasons you fall into the habit
of pulling the weepS on a man as soon
he clomps into the place that ought
to be made into an imitation of a home,
anyhow.
Il wonder, my dear. if you think you
make hit with your eyes all Redeemed
up that way? Maybe I ought to stop
on the way home and get you four or
five dozen orchids and Il couple Of
pounds of candied angel kisses and all
like that. Hows that? I used to be
glad to kiss you when l came in.
Course I did, DO now. Tickled to
death. I'm i'll perfect frenzy Of eX-
citement till / get home Can hardly
wait for the elevator to haul me up
here. All of us fellows that have been
married for ten or fifteen years are just
like that. Sure! Why shouldn't we
be? Oh well, then, never mind. I'm
sorry. I'm ALWAYS sorry. Being sorry
is about the cutest and cOntinuousest
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-04

so-called grateful turkey game is being
worked every day and is proving as sue
cessful as of yore, too.
In downtown cafe the other evening
three business men who are friends all
the year round and get particularly
chummy and 's-to-youish for the
Christmas month were discussing the
weather and other things. And one of
them, waxing confidential. told this little
yarn.
Il was sitting in my Office today" said
he, when a man. poorly but respectfully
dressed, of open and engaging counte-
nance. of frank and kindly mann r. came
in. Sir he said. without further prelim-
mary, gratitude still springs eternal in
the human breast. Look at me! Years
ago you helped me; you gave to me when
I was starving: you spoke kind and SEN
sible words that served to put me on my
feet and head me in the right direction
Sir. you are an unconscious philanthro-
pist, a man of gentle. Samaritan heart.
Sir have l your permission to send you
A Christmas turkey. 1t is a little early.
perhaps, to talk about Christmas turkeys,
but | have an excellent chance to get
some now and I want YOU to have the
best. May l send you a turkey
About that time, said the speaker,
dropping from the minor key into his own
particular line Of vernacular, II began
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-04

and read and read and read. , ass,,.
o., But see here: my S,n dear; how ab o9f
Now, look a-here, cut that crying thing
out, won't you. and gimme my dinner?
Eats That's what's n bothfering me now w
down to. is it? All right. Say, where
did You get these lamp chops? They'd
make good shoestrings Where,d they
some heG ON OVER from 'S Se5y regular
butcher Did you pick em out your
self? Oh, no, OF course you. didn't!
You just phoned for some lamb chops:
this is the first time you've seen EN-:
Sure Great little system, that. Kind
O. tired these days. aren't you, my dear?
You have to take the telephone receiver
down all of four or five times a day,
ordering things from tradesmen that
send any old junk they happen to find
the same. Yepee, you sure are over
burdened It's shame. I'll bet there
isn't a lumberjack in British Columbia
at this hour who wouldn't murder the
camp cook that hurled lamb chops like
these at him.
"And, say, what the deuce is the mat
ter with this coffee? 1t tastes like a
MONKEYS cage Best coffee in the mar
kef, ney. wen, IL q clHCn tnaL pay
the best price for it. but if this stuff
doesn't taste like vegetable compound
hair grower, then I was born in old
New Hampshire where the cypress lilies
grow. That's what. How? We're 60
ing to play five hundred this even at
the Gitapps'? Oh. We are. are We? Who
said we were? Oh, the engagement was
made last week. was it, and l made it ?
Ye-eh. Maybe 1 did. But I must have
taken about two pounds of sleeping
powders into my system before I made
it. Oh, of course we'll have to 60
There's no way out of it, as long as
you will persist in roping me in for
these melancholy occasions. It's won
der a man couldn't be allowed to spend
a few minutes at his home once in a
while-or in whatever apology he's got
for a home. Oh, yes. begin that now.
! know they're real nice people. know
they keep out Of Jail and pay their bills.
maybe, and nave got a cute plaster
bust of Beethoven on the mantelpiece,
and all like that. But is that any rea-
son why should be harried and harass-
ed out Of my own home. when I'm dog
tired, to play cards with them? Maybe
it's reason according to your way of
looking at things-but, well. that's diff
ferent. You yourself extract intense en-
joyment from the brand of chippery-
chappery talk that you hear at the
there's never sure
enough idea expressed by any Of 'em in
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-04
All He Had to Do Was to Take Life
Like One Grand, Sweet Song"

The result was that he came within IA
fortnight or so to he looked upon as
n marvellous case. They used him as
an object lesson a, for lectures lectures at the, the
wrote brochures and pamphlets and
things about his case. In the mean
time. for three long and cheerful
months, he was fed and lodged at the
big hospital like somebody stopping at
the Bellevue-Stratford. and all he had
To do was to lean back and read fiction
and take life like one grand, sweet song.
Then, OF a sudden. he announced that
he was getting his memory back. I saw
him right after he gave himself up to
the police and after he announced the
return OF his memory. At both times he
struck me as u pretty deep youth, but,
inasmuch as ] was writing, as I have
stated. for one OF those ochre-hued
sheets. why ! made his case just as
marvellous" and mira culous" as / knew
how. though ] had certain line Of
thinks about him, at that
When he told 'em that his memory
was coming a-swooping back upon him
he said that he was pretty sure that he
was from Lawrence. Kan. They investi-
gated that, and they found that he was
kee-rect; he was from Lawrence. Kan.
He'd been a pretty warm card out there.
pretty comfortably corned when he'd left
there several months before. Neverthe-
less, seeing how he'd done SO much
for Philadelphia science. the medical au-
thorities Clipped in and got the cured
victim OF aphasia some nice togs for
mself and then handed him a ticket
or Lawrence. Kan, with quite an agree
able little COB of spending money for him
self besides. Then he dropped out Of
sight
Just about three years later saw that
young man. dressed like horse. as the
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-04
GIN Lady Cardigan's new volume OF
l,l,icasxa CHI

GIN Lady Cardigan's new volume OF
Amemoirs," said Chicago publisher,
1.-THE virtue Of one Of the aristocratic
Tollemache ladies is assailed. The lady
herself has long been dead, but all her
descendants. to the third and fourth gen
Grafton, are writing to the papers deny
ing the truth of Lady Cardigan's attack.
1T all goes to show how sensitive we
are about the virtue of our ancestors.
This was understood by Chicago pro-
suffragist. who wrote to the papers the
other day:
".Senator Blanks shameful attacks on
the motives Of inc militant suffragettes
must cease. Before Senator Blank ira
duces those pure-minded aides he had
better look after his thieving drunken
old mother.
"A friend to whom this letter was
shown said to the pro-suffragist.
That is all very trenchantly put It's
libelous, of course 1 suppose you're
quite sure of your ground?'
Sure of my ground?' said the pro-
suffragist. impatiently. L never heard a
word against the old lady. All I know is.
if Senator Blank has the common feelings
of gentleman, he'll be very much an
noyed.'
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-04

we've got to go to this place. why dom,
you Slap little of that rouge dope OF
your cheeks? Color 'em up. Don't tr,
to spring that pallid gag for the purpose
of making 'em think that you're abused
and martyr, and all that. I hope thai
isn't your idea in looking as pale as you
do, but whether it is or not, please get
that rabbits foot a-working and dope UP
little bit. How's that? You threw the
rabbits foot away when l made row
about your using a little rouge? Well,
what dye think o. that? l never said d
word in all my life about your touching
up a little occasionally with bit of
rcu~e, and you know it. I don't mind
seeing women rouged a little II they're
artistic about it and don't slap it on as
if they were red-leadng the keel of a
man-o'-War.
What's your idea in putting on your
hat before you put on your waist? Oh,
SOS you won't tear the sleeves. Great.
Say. have I got to go out on the street in
company with that hat? Really, if you're
asking me, think woman ought to be
arrested for her own good that would
wear hat like that. But go ahead.
Spring that one on me again about it
being the latest thing. That lets you
women out for everything-that latest
thing rave. Humph! So I've got to put
I'm couple of weeks buttoning you up
the back, have /? I'm crazy over this
job. don't get exercise enough down.
town, moiling and toiing all day, spose
Say, will you stand still for a fifteenth of
a second SOS / can hook these fool
things? Stop fiddling around with your
arms and let that idiotic hat alone for a
minute, won't you? Where does this flap
go? Oh. over the shoulder, hey?
thought I had to fasten it tc your shoe
or something. l ought to get a job at
this kind O. thing. Id be Knockout at
it. Stand still. Whoa.
Il love this job. let me repeat. I could
die hooking you up. Oh, no; I haven't
the slightest desire in the world to ia e a
pull or two at that cigar. 1 hate cigars.
This hookine up iii n for me. How
love my teacher. Teacher. can 1 stay in
after school and button your shoes? Come
on now. Wipe that dab of powder
there's peck of tout Of your left ear
Come on. Amt you ready ye+? Come
on. Yes. I've turned out the lights How
dye look? Why. like all the rest of 'em,
of course. Oh. you've got new drop pearl
earrings, have you? Yes they're great.
Make you look like made-in- New-Jer-
sey Turkish cigarette advertisement.
Well. come on. Dye expect me to and
around here on one leg like pen yuin all
night?> Are you EVER coming?''
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-04
ant, of course, to find some evidence of

ant, Of course, to find some evidence Of
appreciation.
az wanted your permission to let me
send you a great big turkey the strang
err continued, and l know you'll let me do
it. Incidentally l am going to save money
by buying my turkeys this far in advance
from q man up In the country, and was
Just on my way downtown to see a loan
shark and borrow $50 so l can pay for
them now. OF course If you wou d like
to save ME the trouble and the interest
by advancing me that amount until l sell
my turkeys, I should appreciate it
My chest expansion came down lit
tie bit at that" said the business man,
but / still felt good and 1 came across
oh, 1 came across with tears in my eyes.
land I'll send you the finest turkey
I can find,' said the stranger. with 'ook
of Newfoundland devotion. as he drifted
away.
About ten minutes later" the business
man continued, with grin, Il had occa-
sion to go across the hall from my Office
to see my friend Bill, and there sitting
beside Bills desk, with his chair pulled
up to a confidential nearness. was my
turkey-giving friend. Of course l began
to see the light and tried to give Bill the
wig-wag signal to close the switch, but
he wouldn't stand for 1t. There were
tears in Bits eyes and he was reaching
for his pocketbook with both hands.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-04

chap who gets Helen for wife nearly
always grabs prize for himself.
Now. Ruth is fine name. That s
granted. But hasn't Ruth more brains
than necessary? That is what is here
VOTED Of Ruth when the name of Ruth
Is mentioned. Ruth, even if she be love-
ly, is severe person. She doesn't go in
for plain-clothes effects like Jane; but
she is such dreadfuiy earnest. high
grade person! Ruth quite overpowers
one. Ruth has ideals. Probably she is
interested in settlement work and quotes
Jane Adams. She knows more about
sociology than you'll ever have time to
catch up with. She has a lot of dis
quieting information at her finger tips
about the origin of species. Ruth likes
1bsen and Hauptmann. She surrounds
herself with a queer lot of books that
deal with the good, the true and the beau
tiful and the higher and nobler. Not in
frequently she Is interested in the Del
sartean system. Upon most males Ruth
looks down as from a great height. Ruth
knows number of somewhat over-classy
hfghbroW males, who revere her, you
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-04

sooner or later-about the time his hair
ness, why, John becomes generally known
as a fellw who has quietly picked up
quite bunch of real estate here and
there. You don't just know how Johns
got that real estate but he has it all
right enough. John isn't chumny chap
at all, but he connects: he gets there.
Thus right down the line as to the
names of male persons.
Now, again, take the name of Clarence.
How that fellow has been held up as a
mark by the jokesmiths in the comic
papers all these years! Clarence infalli-
bly, suggests the ribbon counter, and you
think of Clarence as an understood, mar
row shouldered, somewhat squeaky
voiced Oh, well, what's the use!
CLARENCE l.. CULLEN.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-04

apartments at the Plaza In New York
virtually steps out of the play for the
purpose Of delivering a lecture to a pair
OF young lovers on the curious effects OF
colors. He switches on electric lights OF
different colors to illustrate his point
green, he crates, suggests such and such
train of ideas, red another line OF
things, blue quite another. and so on.
This brought back to the mind Of the
writer hereof an idea that had often &C.
Cured to him: the suggestiveness OF
name Of Jane-a woman you have
traits, that Is to say, that some Of us in
voluntarily. unconsciously, erect around
mere names.
To elucidate:
Take the name Jane. for example
When you hear Of a woman by the
name OF Jane-a woman you have
not seen-how do you picture her in YOU,
or a woman with common-sense flat
heeled shoes, quite ample waist line
almost free OF confinement Of stays, hair
parted In the middle and combed straight
away from her temples, a nose wholly
unpowdered and perhaps a little red al
the corners from imperfect circulation
rather foppy, dabbish dresses, and SC
on? Isn't Jane naturally pictured as a
person who has considerable contempt
for the foibles of male creatures, who
could quote you whole lines from Brown
ing Sordello," and who, when she
looks at you, fixes you with a gaze that
is bit too impaling for comfort?
Or course, names are not likely to sug-
sest the same things to different per-
sons; but the above is given merely by
way of showing how the name of Jane
affects one person-the undersigned, that
is to say.
What do you think when you hear the
name Gladys? Why, Gladys-some of us
know it without having clapped an eye
on her-Gladys is a petite, violet-eyed
creature, past mistress of the baby
stare, languishing, perfectly shod, with
fluffy masses of hair of an indeterminate
hue, generally warm chestnut or an
outright blond; unconscionably selfish,
self-centered. looking for the best of it
at every turn of the wheel, sentimental
only when she chooses to be, finty by the
same token when she elects to be, white
armed in a bathing suit, saucy, winning
and generally perfectly triumphant en-
chantress of men who ought to know
better. but don't, as matter of course
Then you hear of a Helen. Helen, you
feel, is kindly eyed-very often she has
MEETING DROWN eyeS-and She is forever
bringing some stray dog or cat home to
feed and care for it. Helen is buxom and
White-skinned, and she is very, very
wholesome. She has any amount Of good,
hard, common sense. and yet she is
wholly feminine, and therefore enjoys her
frequent little lapses into sentiment pure
ly for sentiments sake. She is helpful
around the house, a worshiper of her
mother. friend and conf1dante of her
father, pal of her brothers Helen has
~ h,yf -l,x
to accept any of them. Helen is very
particular as to the fit of her tailored
dresses. because she knows quite we'll
who better ?-that her figure is fine The
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-04

that's right Begin to dab at your eyes.
Don't mind me. Dissolve into cascade
if you're so crazy over that stuff. Can't
you give me chance to get in the door
before YOU begin to wllimper all over the
place? Don't you s'pose I've enough to
worry me all day without stacking UP
against this weepy kind of d proposition,
and all for nothing, the minute l set foot
in nv home? It's a great home. at that
How dye suppose l spend my days down.
town. anyhow? Picking wild flowers?
Listening to violoncello solos? And as
soon as I get into the vestibule here,
why, you pull the tear valve and begin
to scatter salt water and gloom all over
the plant. Blamed tiresome gag, that's
what I call 1t.
whats it all about anyway? oh, I'm
not chvalrous any more, eh? Say, my
dear. wait minute. What century is
this we're living in, anyhow? Hey? The
twentieth? Right! The twentieth! And
how long after he's married. in this twen-
tieth century, is a man supposed to
moon-caIf and spoon around with his
wife after grinding days work? Now,
what dye want me to do? FiZgig around
like dancing master as soon as l break
in, kiss your hand, place both mitts over
my shirtfront and tell you that your eyes
are adorable and that your new coronet
braid is all to the candy, trill You Mt
tie Tilt or two about the loneliness of
your eyebrows with imaginary mandolin
obligato. and all that idiotic slomicking
know, il it is you'll hive to wake up
sooner or later, and now's Just as good
a time for that waking up thing as any
other, isn't 1t?
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-04
A Six-Inch Appetite.
I.Kn EsCoFFIER. the famous

<tKH ESCOFFIER, the famous chef,
AVA' who has just celebrated his fit
tieth jubilee in London, once entertained
me with some marvellous stories about
big appetites,' said a New York hotel
man.
II think the best of these stories was
about ali alderman. This chap said to his
neigh Dor at a Christmas banquet, as he
pushed mis- chair little away from the
table:
"Il give you tip It's one I've fol-
lowed for years. At the start of BAN
Duet 1 sit six inches off the table and
keep on eating till I'm up to it.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-04

and talking about Cannonism and calling
you names. You'd better read your speech,
in Kansas City or you'll get mad and
break loose. And If you do you'll say
things and stir up the animals. Read IL
this time
Mr.. Cannon evidently thought the advice
was pretty good, for he decided to take 1t.
He wanted to talk about three-quarters
of an hour, SO he prepared j speech of
the required length and. much to the sur
prise of his friends, who SOFT or expected
that after reading a few lines of 1t he'd
throw it away and start on a blind tran.
read it from start to finish.
But, sad to relate. after he had COM
pleted the reading and the applause had
died away. he started in afresh without
lust as long as the first one, and that
fairly siZzled. it was hot. He raped
some folks that had been rappng him and
paid his compliments to every enemy he
could think of.
His friends aren't going to offer him
any more advice along this line. They've
given him up as hopeless in this particu-
lar.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-04

to sit up and take notice I looked my
visitor over from top to toe but I'll be
hanged If could place him.
You probably do not remember me-
said the visitor. but l shall never forget
you. You helped me, never mind how
and where. Probably it was nothing to
you, but it was all in the word to me.
And only last night. my dear wife, with
tears In her eyes, mentioned you in her
prayers, as she invariably does as our
benefactor and told ME to be sure and
call to see you today. I want to give you
a Christmas turkey.
About that time said the business
man who was telling the story, II began
to swell up like a poisoned pup, and in a
couple of minutes, in my own superheated
imagination, l had Carnegie and every
other philanthropist in captivity backed
off the board
SO I thought my visitor resumed,
that I would send you the incest turhey
/ could find. I am huckster in small
way and am doing very we'll, though, Of
course, it is difficult to get started and
pick up business, even in a modest man
ner.'
That's fine l said, the speaker CON
tinued, land am real 6 ad that any little
effort of mine put you in the right path.
OF course I do these little things every
now and then-q,hte without any hope of
reward, believe me, quite-but it is pleas