The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1909-04-11
CHAPTER u.

last week that tnere Was no HON.
ger any excuse for remaining In
town. Horace came out with me
| Friday and stayed until this morning.
We were together more liz these three
days than yse have been for months,
/ out that strained consciousness was al
| Yays between US. 1 found myself con-
/ tinually striving 30 make things more
natural. and only succeeded In making
them more constrained. I could feel
Horace's disqulstude and anxiety TO re-
turn, even though he was careful not
10 show II In any way.
This morning when he left / think 1
felt something life relief-reiief that 1
could relax. that 1 need no longer strain
TO be cheerful and natural, to struggle
against the blank silence that seemed
! always to hover over US.
But he had been gone only a few
| hours when 1 began to long for him
again, to feel that had managed things
badly, to think Of what 1 might have
said and done that would have brought
rs nearer. am filleG with a miserable
sense of failure; in these three days
had chance to be very near him, and
| failed 10 use il wisely And now
am anguishing over my lost opportunity.
He will Oe back Saturday to stay until
Monday. Can I make IL different then.
or as soon as 1 see him will some re-
straint come upon me and make me
dumb. or give fatal self-consciousness
to everything I say or do?
June 18th.
/ have not realized until today how
completely have Isolated myself from
everyone in the past six or eight
months I have never entertained or
gone out extensively: my home and
Horace have always filed my life. And
yet we have very pleasant circle of
friends. with whom, until this year, 1
have kept in touch socially.
But now by not returning calls, BY
repeatedly sending regrets to invitations
tor luncheons "a d teas, l have gradual
ly Withdrawn from it all. I did not do
this consciously-each time ! would
think: II haven't the heart to go this
weeiS-perhaps next week l will feel
different But next week the thought
of any social exertion would be just as
distasteful
How abrupt and discourteous in many
Instances this must have seemed l did
not consider until today. when Mrs.
Hammond and her daughter entered the
the most formal greetings. Then / re-
nembered two calls and dinner invita-
Jon that fear L did not even acknoul-
edge. They are nice people. whom we
have met here for two summers. After
breakfast / Joined them on the verauda,
md told Mrs. Hammond that ] had been
III much Of the winter. and apologized
for my really objectionable delinquency.
he MI
for quite a while. but except when she
spoke Of her husband and children
w2s not interested.
Later. when I walked down by the
beach alone. I realized more than
ever before how much have changed.
The things that used to interest me
seSsc now empty and meaningless. 1
lave but one line OF thought-always
Of her. 1t has become an obsession.
Has Horace grown wholly indiffer-
ent to me that he does not see how 1
have withdrawn from everything?
Does he not see that not only has our
life together changed. but that I have
40 other life-no other interests at
all now?
June 18th
After luncheon took some maya
zines down to the beach and stayed
there until dusk. But did not read;
all through the long sunny afternoon
gazed dreamily out over tho blue
stretch of sea to the far horizon dot
ted with tiny white sails. There was
no surf: only a soft tapping OF small
waves broke the warm, brooding still
ness
Always the sea has rested me, but
never before have / so needed the
quieting peace and serenity that came
to me today. For few hours I was
granted a respite from the torturing
thoughts of all these months, a sense
Of detachment from all things except
the influences about me-the warmth.
the sunny silence. the deep blue and
mysterious immensity OF the sea, the
atmosphere of tranquility that was
over 1t all.
June 18th
/ am restless and anxious again. I
have been down TO the beach hoping
the sea would have the same soothing
effect Of yesterday. But the waves
were higher today: there was a turbu-
lent note in their depths as they foam
ed against the shore. A large excur-
sion steamer was passing with its
brass band. its waving flags and
crowded decks. The whole atmosphere
was different I returned to the hotel
with a bitter sense OF disappointment
Why is IL that one can never 20 back
can never live over again even the
impressions OF an hour?
Later
have cut this sketch from a cur
rent magazine and am FASTING IL here
want to keep ito have IL remind
me that some marriages hold greater
unhappiness than mine:
THE LETTER WRITTEN AND THE
LETTER SENT.
THE ONE THAT WAS WRITTEN
am going TO write you the truth.
The truth that for five years had hid
with lies and deceit and trickery. I hate