Alaska sentinel., 1909-01-07
GANDERBONE'S FORECAST
Copyright (. H. Rieth )
 JANUARY

The calendar will change with the usual wakes for the old year and greet ings for the new. Most of us will inn mediately date our correspondence 1909, but forgetful people like Archbold and Rockefeller will continue dating their checks 1908 The old year will be little mourned by democrats and coldly greet ed by lions. It will find the peace tri bunal at the Hague closed, and the house staff attending the wars in Nene- zuela, Haiti, Washington and Mrs. Ma tion.s address in Scotland.
 The end of leap year will provoke few batchelor regrets, and the stork will step up like man and pay his baby bets. The Roosevelt regime will make it's plans to go a-gunning, and lions, hippos and girattes will practice up at running
 The Romans tried to make March the first month of the year, but after about half of the Irish had frozen to death in trying to march on the l7th, Nutna re- arranged the calendar as a plerciful con cession to that valuable colony. Janu- ary was one of the months devised for that occasion. It was named for Janus, whom the Romano called the porter ot heaven" He opened and closed heaven, kept it nicely dusted, made up the beds, and whenever he caught man ln shere who did not advertise in his home paper he chased him into the smoker. No other month IS so appropriately named as this, for Janus was regarded by the anclents us the beginning and the end ing of all things He is famous for hay ing had a second face on the back of his head, and rssem blsd Hartman coming and Lawson going. His temp pie at Rome was historic. When the empire was at war its gates were thrown open, and in peace they were closed. This continued until the time of Augustus, who is said by Prof. Ferrero to have been the proto- type of Roosevelt. At any rate, he cast the gates of the temple into the Ti5er and made it prison for liars, mollycod- dles, couples without children, editors, congressman, nature fakirs, rich male factors, religious bigots, reactionaries and undesirable citizens.
 The row between the president and congress will become the hottest thing since David smashed Goliath's cerebrum. The outraged House will paw the earth, the Senate will get dip, the president will rub his fist against his upper lip l; the air will be mass of fur and ripping explosives, and the timid congressman will run from there to where he lives.
 The air will pulsate with the rush of bitter verbal shot, the sports will bet on whether Ted will take 1t back or not, the old men will get on the roof and utter their dehes, the president will show his teeth and bulletin the lies, special message now and then will keep up ths hub -bub, and dozen mon a day will join the Ananias Club. The old Potomac will become raging sea of foam, the public servants family will beg him to come home, the shindee will divert the world by reason of it's heat, and Loeb will let it run while, and then send for the fleet.
 After that we shall have Taft weather, with cooler relations at Washington. Cabinet selections will be announced on Tuesdays and Fridays. The rich will go to the winter resorts and eggs will go to forty cents. The new sign of the zodiac will be Aquarius, the water carrier, whose influence will begin on the 20th. This will enable any one who has kept on the water wagon from the lst to re- main permanently seated. Persons born under aquarius vote dry. They have bad memories and rise to confidential positions with trusts. They are also very knowing, but they don't know when prosperity will return.
 Our absent fleet will make SueZ, con- sinuing it's bum, and things in Africa gill think that Roosevelt has come. There'll be a stam pede to the south, and many trem bling lips will pass the word that he's arrived with sixteen battle ships. And then brief February of the grounding will be due, and we'll discov CT pretty quick if he's liar, too.