Alma record. (Alma, Mich.) 1878-1928, 1909-09-16
The Lady Who
Speaketh Not
More to Be Feared Than the CONVEX
sational Wife. Says Uncle Henry.

not In any dangerous proximity. Y es,
sir, II you go In TO use the regular
highbrow literary style of invective.
you might call her a paradox. And
II you don't know. paradox is some
thing which is what IL never was
and looks like what 1t never will be.
Fierce things, son; simply fierce.
IT'S like this. When she's mad she
spurts conversation with a static head
of ESQ pounds The madden she gets
the harder IL is for her to talk. And
when she gets clean plumb petylant
you can't get word out of her with
a cold chisel.
Get me right, though. However.
otherwise and nevertheless, a silent
woman is the gosh blamedest work of
an otherwise benefcent Providence.
That silent treatment effect ia
what brings the silver threads among
the gold. That's what makes mar
ried men learn to beguile the thing
they are by seeming otherwise, as the
poet so aptly expresses IT, I'm going
10 tell you, son, q conversational wom-
an wife is sore trial, and offense
and a stumbling block But you take
II from me, when you frame her up
alongside OF the silent sister sort OF
simple sorrow she Is five aces to the
deck. Yes, sir, she is that
II tell you, son, this silent crouch
business is a problem. It's study.
I put II down that any man who can
invent an antidote is going TO be rich,
famous and happy all at the same
time. And listen, I've got a great
scheme. There's a sure way to beat
1t and your crafty Uncle Henry had
thought 1t out all for himself. And
tried too, by gracious Be not as
duml iven cattle. be a hero.
"All IT. l comes home the other
night al found that | was persona
non grata with little wife She could
not see me with a Yerkes telescope.
] had to go look in the glass to find
out II | was really home don't
know what was the matter with her
but whatever II was II was my fault,
of course.
An l says, 'posterity never did
anything for me, so you could notice
It, ! says, but I says I am certain
ly built on the general ground plan OF
a public benefactor. | will try this lit
tie scheme out and put the double
cross on a lowering futurity,' / says.
"All right. When got sort of
braced sings out: Huh says, I
dunno what this house would be II
some one didn't come in once and a
while and pay some attention to some
thing. That front door bell won't
ring. It's busted like that. I says.
or course l knew it wasn't busted, but
| Just wanted to start her OF.
The bell rings perfectly we'll she
says.
See? had her from the start. oh.
this is a bang up idea of mine. All
right. Then | comes back at her sort
of mean.
Nothing of the sort, | says. It
don't ring because it's busted. | guess
ought to know. Seems like every
thing is busted around here l says,
leading her out to make another
crack. Catch the idea?
cool, calm and collected and the icicles
hanging on every word, is in excellent
condition. There is nothing the mat
ter with it. 1t is not broken. 1t
rings. The front door bell rings she
says, like that certainly settled it and
me at the same time.
Then l decides to spring it. All
4 {-L a..
says, III go out and push the button,
| says, and then we will see whether
you know so much or not | says, Just
as tart and brazen as any old bachelor.
Huh she says. Only that and moth
ing more.
] Then l knew had her. / was some
! sot up over II too. So goes out on the
front steps and gives the thing a push
good and strong SO there wouldn't be
any mistake.
well, sir, you can just see me out
on that stoop with the light of victory
! In my eyes, just dippy with excitement
like boy spinning his first top.
sort OF figured it out l was qualifying
to have a national holiday named after
me too.
$50 gives II a good push. Then !
listens l didn't hear anything.
gives II another shove. Still nothing
doing. Probably something the mat
ter with the button. unscrews that
In a hurry and touches the ends of
the wires Still no ring. l screws on
the button again, and then who comes
moseying out but wife.
well, she says, ring 1t, she says.
Don't be standing there like a fool,
she says.
IL didn't say one single little word.
| was thinking, was. Then she gives
a hitch and a huff and she gives the
button a push. Silence reigned. She
gives it some more pushes and no
ring. Huh, she says and goes off.
We'll, son, that was some days ago
and she hasn't seen me yet. Fact is
I'm not so all fired anxious for her to
see me. because when she does come
around at last there's going to be some
doings at our house. You see the