davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24
Retreat? Never!
J,, rT,i& p;@


In an Irish garrison town theat-
rical company was giving performs
ances, and some soldiers from the local
barracks We're engaged to act as SUI
pers. Their duties included the
waging of a fierce fight in which. after
a stirring struggle, one army was de-
feated on a given signal from the
prompter. For few nights all went
we'll, but on the Friday evening spe-
cial performance OF the piece was to
be given under the patronage of tho
colonel and other officers of the gar-
rison. The two armies met as usual
at the end of the second act, when
they fought and fought and kept on
fighting, regardless of the agonized
glare in the eye of their (actor) gems
eral. who hoarsely ordered the proper
army to Retreat, confound you'll" But
the fight still went on, and soon the
mortified manager saw the wrong army
being driven slowly off the stage. still
fighting desperately. Down came the
curtain amid roars of laughter, and tha
Tuning manager fastened to ask the
delinquents why they had failed to re-
treat on hearing the signal.
"Retraite," roared a burly fusilier.
whose visage had been badly battered.
land is it retraite ye'd have us, wild the
colonel and all the officers in the box-
esq
South America had newspapers as
n
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24
GIFTS THAT THE JUNE
BRIDE WILL TIE

hammered METAL the sort OF thing one
sticks on to the end of row of books
to keep them upright. You can get per-
fectly scrumptuous ones, arts and
crafty looking, for from 81 to So.
A brass door llnocl6er makes fine
CLASSY" gift, too, unless the now home
Is TO be an apartment. In which case,
why not get some of these little minia-
ture door knockers, to be attached to
bedroom doors. They are a pleasant
reminder of the necessity of knocking
at ones guests or ones hosts private
vacy which is too little respected now
adayS
List Wide and Varied.
Almost every one knows about tea
pot tiles with silver filigree, ice tubs
of glass with silver framework, jelly
and marmalade jars of glass and sill
Yer, candlesticks, hors doeuvres dishes,
punch ladies, cheese scoops, grape scis-
sors, beefsteak carvers, and compotes.
All OF these can be had at any first
class jewelers. and silversmiths.
Those who like to give odd gifts. how
ever, may like to seek some of the out
of the way shops where brass and cop
per wares of Russian design are sold.
Two brass candlesticks with the
would delight lover of quaint things.
There Is great treasure trove also to
be found In copper bowls and trays.
To go into the realm of the purely
useful there are certain wedding gifts
which may only be given to intimate
friends. where one knows they cannot
be misunderstood. Thus an excellent
cook book, or even two of them, will
be liked by a girl who must do her
own houseWorll A set of handy tools
will probably be much moro enjoyed
than a cut glass olive dish would be,
and II collection of desk necessities,
paste. tags, Irvine, rubber bands, letter
clips, pins, pens. and pencils will give
a supply of household necessities sad
ly lacking in most brand new estab
lishments.
A little medicine chest containing
the sinplest of remedies, ointments
and antiseDtics. with some rolls of abb
sorbent cotton and bandages is not a
romantic gift. but will be we'll received
if it comes from an elderly relative.
Don't give 1T. however, unless you are
elderly and q relative of either bride
or groom.
Another purely practical gift would
be a supply of tea towels, dish cloths,
kitchen towels dust cloths, sweeping
caps and aprons. 1t might be supple
mented by a collection of cleaning
brushes and carpet sweeper.
lut, after all, the first rule is the
When in doubt, give sugar
tongs."
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24
WON'T MIX.
BAD Food and Good Henlth Won't

Bad Food and Good HenIth Won't
The human stomach stands much
abuse, but it won't return good health
II you give 1t bad food.
If you feed right you will feel right,
for proper food and good mind is
the sure road to health.
"A year ago | became much alarmed
about my health, for / began to suffer
after each meal no matter how little
ate," says Denver woman.
II lost my appetite and the very
thought of food grew distasteful, with
the result that l was not nourished
and got weak and thin.
My home cares were very heavy,
for beside a large family of my own
have also to look out for an aged
mother. There was no one to Shout.
der my household burdens, and come
what might l must bear them, and
this thought nearly drove me frantic
when l realized that my health was
breaking down.
II read an article in the paper
about some one with trouble just like
mine being cured OH Graps-Nuts food
and acting on this suggestion | gave
Grape-Nuts a trial. The first dish Of
this delicious food proved that l had
struck the right thing.
My uncomfortable feelings in stom-
Ach and brain disappeared as IL by
magic and in an incredibly short space
of time was again myself. Since
then l have gained IL pounds in
weight through summer Of hard
work and realize l am very differ
ent woman, all due to the splendid
food, Grape-Nuts."
There's a Reason" Trial will
prove. Read the famous little book.
The Road to Wellville," In pkgs.
Ever read the above letter? A
new one appears from time to time.
They are genuine, true, and full Of
human interest.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24
Pointed Paraaranhs.
From the Chicago News

ClOIl lIlt SulCd6O NEWS.
Don't expect the unexpected to hap
pen too often.
When in doubt. take a day off and
mind your own business.
A girl would rather paint her cheeks
than have a red nose from a cold in
her head.
A laxative man seldom selects his
wife for his audience.
You may be able to fool yourself. but
you can't fool the fool killer.
Once in great while an old maid
lives long enough to admit that she is
Even in this land of the free the real
estate owner has to pay taxes on it.
1t takes a man with an extraordi-
nary command of language to control a
laxative woman.
If man shakes hands with the
president at a public reception, his
wife never ceases to boast of it.
The summer girl imagines she can't
keep cool unless she wears q shirt
waist that blind man could see
through
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24
False Alarm Volcanoes.
The San Eranciscn Call.


Volcanic eruptions are not infre-
luently reported from regions where
hey are geologically impossible. Sew
oral years ago the formation of an ac-
i've crater on an Alpine summit was
announced. The cause was only for
.st fire on one of the lower peaks.
Quite recently, in France, the papers
nine shaft near Mons. Huge. thick
clouds first rose from the shaft and
Inc, warm dust soon began to fall over
he surrounding fields. Soon flames
we're seen to Issue and stones rained
On the neighboring houses, whose ter
:ified inhabitants took flight. An in
yestigation led to the conclusion that
all this was due to an explosion of fire
Iemp I'm the old mine.
Eruptions of the same sort have oc-
cured i'm our own country. In one of
he canyons of the Santa Monica
Mountains, near Los Angeles, a vol
sano. we are informed by the local
press. recently broke out. Similar re-
ports In the past have always been
raced to fires in the oil bearing shales
hat abound near the surface of the
ground in this region, and investigation
aas shown that this latest "volcano" is
Of the same nature. The locality is
about 200 yards from the sea. at point
about 12 miles from Los Angeles,
where sulphurous smoke rises from a
little mound of miocene shale A little
below the surface. the ground is almost
red hot, and sets fire to bits of wood
That are stuck into it,
The fire seems to have been started
by lightning, or perhaps it is a case of
spontaneous combustion. The region
is soaked with petroleum and 1t is not
necessary to have recourse to any the
DRY of volcanic action for an cNplana-
ton. AS the nearest OIL wells are fully
10 miles distant, the incident probably
will have no unpleasant consequences.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24
Finding Lost Money.

FROM
Here is an amusing story of a pro-
vincial railway station waiting room.
The other day the imperturbable calm
which characterizes the occupants of
such an apartment was disturbed by
the metallic ring upon the floor of a
seriousness OF having dropped 1t but
everybody began furtively to look for
1t. All was silence until a lachrymose
individual who had at last apparently
found something. inquired in plaintive
tones. Has anyone dropped a half
sovereign"
Then there was chorus, matchless
both for simultaneousness and spon-
taneity, of Yes. / have!" At least o
dozen persons seemed to have lost that
half sovereign.
vidual. i've Just found halfpenny OF
it, SO we may as we'll continue the
search for the remainder"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24
A TaIkinq Turtle.

fIUm l1e bOStOu RECORD.
the street carrying turtle by the tail,
when ventriloquist standing near
threw his vdNce over to the turtle and
seemed to make 1t say: Where is you
all goin' with me?"
The little negro heard the question,
and looking around with establishment,
but not being entirely satisfied as to
Again the ventriloquist threw his
voice over the turtle and said: II say,
where is you-all takin' me?'
This time the boy was satisfied that
the turtle had been gifted with a mi
raculous power of speech, and instantly
dropped 1t on the sidewalk in con-
sternation, exclaiming, II isn't a-takin'
you-all no-whar. 1 has don dropped
yOu-all"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24
Pointed Paragraphs.
From the Chicago News.

From the Chicago News.
Lots of high steppers overstep them
selves.
A face that cannot smile is seldom
worth while.
A MANS dollars do not always make
up for his lack of sense.
ALI work is drudgery to those who
are not Interested in honest labor.
When a man spends all his salary
himself It's sign that he isn't mar
xied.
Many man with powerful voice
has dent where mis- bump Of intelli-
gence ought to be.
1t is to be hoped that the meek in
herit the earth before the other fellow
gets through with 1t.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24
Reflections of a Bachelor.

Most of the wear and tear of work
on a man comes from his going to it
all frazzled out by his play.
Every outfit that can't pay it's bills
certificates except a big family.
The destiny of woman, as the worlc
works it out, is to be housekeeper
for her husband, q supplicator for her
sons, and a chaperon for her daugh-
ters.
The sure sign man is SO old he
ought to be able to know 1t but doesn't
is wheA girls don't think it's. any Diff
ferent to kiss him from doing it to
their grandmother's picture.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24

b ] GA t n 6. etc., are
troubles that COM
monty come with
sick kidneys. Don't
mistake the cause.
Doan's Kidney Pills
have cured nds
Of women afflicted in
this way. Mrs. James
Lutz, 422 n. Prospect
ST., Marion, o., says:
AFTER suffering for
fifteen years with
kidney trouble, ]
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24

have had a new lease Of life through
using Doan's Kidney Pills. Backache
had been terrible. Racking headaches
and dizzy spells, bloating, loss of en-
ergy, appetite and weight and extreme
weakness alarmed me- l did not feel
much better after using the first box,
but after that improved rapidly and
recovered fully
Sold by all dealers. so cents box
Foster Milburn Co, Buffalo, n. Y.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24
A California Plague of snaiIs.

Long Beach. Cal.--Residents of Lin
den avenue between Ocean and First
streets are suffering from a pest of
snais Thousands of the little crea-
lures can be seen daily dragging their
way along the walks and the sides of
the buildings. The residents of the dis
trct say it is impossible to clear their
yards of them as no matter how many
ara destroyed, others take their places
1t Is said the snails We're introduced by
Frenclnan who cultivated them for
his table. but when he moved away
the snails remained and multiplied UNI
hifI1pr,1
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24
Organization for Mothers.
From the philadelphia Times.


According to statistics in this city
over 1000 babies die each year because
their mothers do not understand how
to care for them, and in order to re-
duce this death rate prominent club
women are forming an alliance to
teach these ignorant parents the prop
er way to look after their babies.
Mothers will be invited to attend
lectures in the public school buildings
after the regular day session is con-
cluded, where they will be taught how
to care Cor the little ones. whom they
watch over daily.
They will not only be taught how to
relieve the baby's ills, but how to pre-
vent them
Many prominent speakers addressed
the meeting, and after permanent
organization is perfected the work will
be begun at once.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24
Tho Loale Of Facts.

From the kansas City Star.
r. P. McCulloch tells of a Harper
county farmer who lives near rail-
road and close by whistling station,
who one day. wishing to get letter
off somewhere. rushed out on the track,
waved his cap and stopped
the train. He went to the mail car
and put his letter into the slot.
The conductor saw him about that
time and said: Look here, don't you
know you can't stop this train?"
The farmer replied: well, by gum,
| did stop it,"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24

I IOttI
At a country fair out in Kansas a
man went up to a tent where some elk
We're on exhibition and stared wistful-
ly up at the sign. I'D like to go in
there" he said to the keeper, but it
would be mean to go in without my
family, and I cannot afford to pay for
my wife and IL children" The keep
er stared at him in astonishment. Are
all these young children?" he gasped.
Every one" said the man. You wait
a minute" said the keeper. I'm going
to bring the elk out and let them see
you ALL"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24
TO SET COLOR.

a spoonful of oxgall to a gallon of
water will set the colors of almost any
goods soaked in it previous to washing.
strong tea of common hay will
preserve the color of French linens
Vinegar in rinsing water for pink or
green calicoes will brighten them. Soda
answers the same purpose for purple
and blue
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24

T'TVI1I Ute -NtW iUTK ETeSS
Anything that is irregular is ire
sstible to human nature.
An awful nice thing about girl is
not to be your sister.
A woman's photograph is generally
a success unless it looks like her.
People who never tell anything but
the truth can't help lying about how
they do 1t.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24
NORTHUMBERLAND.

Perpetual water right, fine water; pro
bushels wheat per acre; 49, to s tons al
.alfa. healthful climate: free timber; easy
.erms. Write now Linwood Land COM
2any, Rock Springs, Wyo.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24
muNY0N'S
PAW-PAW PILLS

The best Stomach
and Liver Pills known
and a positive and
speedy cure for Con-
stipation. Indigestion.
Jaundice, Biliousness,
Sour Stomach, Head
ache, and all ailments
arising from q disor-
de ed stomach or
sluggish liver. They
contain in concentrat-
ed form ali the viz
tues and values Of
Munyon's Paw-raw
tonic and are made
from the Juice of the
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24
PILES CURED AT HOME BY
new ABSORPTION METHOD.

or protrudinS Piles, send me your address.
and will tell you how to cure yourself at
home by the new absorption treatment and
will also send some of this home treatment
free for trial, with references from your
own locality IL requested. Immediate re-
lief aud permanent cure assured. Send no
money, but tell others of this offer. Write
today to Mrs. NJ. Summers, Box 2, Notre
Dame Ind.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24
From the Chicago News.

One of the new culinary appliances
Is double flour sitter which deposits
the -four from the first to the second
sieve, thus lessening the work OF re-
sitting 1t for certain cakes.
In making salads do not chop your
meats and celery in a chopping bowl.
t;':t into the desired sized pieces with
sciranr5. This is quicker, heater, and
ciea3n- than the old way.
Cookies car be shaped with the bot
tom of q star tumbler." Press the
bottom OF the glass into the unbaked
cookie until the indentations are i'm
printed upon the cake Flour the glass
for the purpose.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24
HOW no SHRINK GOODS

All washable goods should he shrunk.
especially ginghams, before using. This
is valuable to remember in making up
any kind OF wash goods materials for
chlldrens clothes. Pour boiling hot wa
ter through the goods. hang up and
dry, and then iron. If this is done
previous to the making up Of the goods,
much time will be saved.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24

FOR sALE-Improveo and unimproved
farms in Brule Co., S. D., the corn belt
of the Missouri Valley. Deep black soil,
good climate. markets, churches, schools,
crops. roads, plenty of rain. Land IL gent
~ rolling and very productive It is a
sure and safe place for either a home or
investment, every acre will double in
value. All those from eastern states are
crops; come out at once and see for your
self. I deal ON the square or not at all.
For illustrated booklet address L. L.
HaKaman. PukWana 8 ID
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24

1t is Impossible to thrive on vegeta-
bles alone. They must be supplemented
by eggs, cheese, Italian pastes, such as
macaroni, brown bread, good salad oil.
butter, nuts, cereals. pulse.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24
Abiurina Allegiance.

From the Boston Record
Judge Lowell, of the United States cir
cult court, in speaking before the Chan
ming club the other night on naturaliza-
ton, cited numerous instances of would
be citizens who had been coached for the
examination before the court, but who
fell down when unexpected question
was asked. II asked a Turk" said Judge
Lowell. ''as to whether he understood
what was meant when he swore to abiurs
all allegiance to the sultan"
Sure was the answer.
what is meant?"
ITO -- with Turkey
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24
A Sight for tho Elk.

Ars. winssw.s eooszr.e sYsup for chs,Aree
ossnine. sonses ~ 6azAA. reduces hdammati q.
Alayspaln. cure Wind oslia. ne Soesie
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24

Five Australian states are desirous
of borrowing on an extensive scale for
railway construction and other public
works, the total amount desired being
$60,000,000.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24

YaW.Paw fruit / unhesitatingly recom-
mend these pills as being the best la1a.
1ive and cathartic ever compounded. Get
Q 15.cent bottle and II you are not per-
1sctly satisfied will refund your money.
NNUNYON.
"a sal jefferson sts.. Philadelphia. Pa.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24
o RESTORE scoRcHEp LINEN

Take two onions. peel and slice them,
and extract Juice by squeezing or
pounding. Cut up half an ounce of
white soap and two ounces of fuIler's
earth; mix with onion juice and half
pint of vinegar. Boil this we'll and
spread when cool over scorched part
of linen and leave it dry. Afterward
wash the linen.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24

Little children are suffering every day
In the year with sprains, bruises, cuts,
bumps and burns. Hamlins Wizard Oil
IL banishing these aches and pains every
day in the year, the world over.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24

81 have been using cascarets for In.
somnia, with which have been afflicted
for twenty years, and can say that Cas-
carets have given me more relief than any
other remedy have ever tried. l shall
certainly recommend them to my friends
as being all that they are represented.
Thos. Gillard, Elgin, III.
Pleasant. Palatable, Potent Taste Good.
Do Good. Never Sicken. iWeaken or Grips.
l0c, Csc, Soc Never sold In bulk The gen
uine tablet stamped &C. Guaranteed to
cure or your money back. ~
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24

Lieutenant Commander Belknap. the
American naval attache in Berlin, is
still engaged in experimenting the re-
lief work on account OF the earthquake
at Reggie. Italy. carried on BY tho
United States government
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24

The first thing man who gets some
money tries to do is to show how
smart he is at something in which he
will lose It.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24

Petite. Eye salve for CSC.
Relieves tired eyes, quickly stops eye
aches, congested, inflamed and common
sore eyes. All druggists or Howard Bros.
Buffalo, n Y.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24
Contra ictions.

Skies all of clouds and riffs.
Where cleaning sunlight shifts
Trenbllngly thro.
Skies tender daffodil:
Dark inists bright tips disclose
Clear silver. amber, rose
Drink, eyes. your fill.
Dense vapors DER us rolled,
Quick raindrops pntter down,
Sprinkiits u starry CROWN
Showers of gold.
brightest. and best. and last.
The rainbow's arch is seen
Ger meadows freshly green
our sunsets past.
E,lninn Cnndnla
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24
WOMEN SUFFER NEEDLEssLY.

Many Mysterious Aches and Pains
Are Easily Cured.
Backache, pain through the hips,
dizzy spells, headaches, nervousness,
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24

PERRY DAVIS, PAINKILLER
n I'm ounce of prevention" we'll pound OF
cure" For bowel troubles skin wounds colds and
other Ills Soc and Soc
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24
THE RETORT COURTEOUS.

"And did my card?"
"Yes"
What did she say?"
"she told TO tell that sorry
ooh we'll. Please tell her said glad
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24

Norway excels in paper making.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24

Vessels of the German navy have
been equipped with novel life saving
apparatus resembling a huge basket
with it's sides made of rope ladders.
Lowered over the sides, several per-
sons can climb 1t at the same time.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24

There are waists of colored linen -
match the cloth skirt.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-06-24
Reflections of a Bachelor.

South America had newspapers as
ong ago as 1894.