The Birmingham age-herald., 1909-11-14
THE HOTEL CLERK ON
 THE UPLIFT MOVEMENT
RL IRWIN S. COBB.

philanthropist with duek-press and Mrs Bohners book on Twenty Ways to Cook the Canvasback Were they made home less by fire in the tenement? Then it's a copy of Barriers Burned Away, by E. P. Roe, for them and some kindly advice against sleeping outdoors on the side walk unless well wrapped up in warm sealskins. Politics has been uplifted un til the smell is at times overpowering In many instances church life has been so uplifted and so many club and social features have been introduced that you can find almost anything you want under the average church roof, except religion The processes of the law have been up- lifted also and you can now get di- vorce in the time it used to take, before safety razors came in, to get shave and haircut of a Saturday night. I may say without fear of successful contradiction that we've been uplfted till you can't rest. The good work still goes on, too. It's come and be uplifted, you miserable wretch, or else you'll get a wallop in the jaw
 But I take notice, Larry, as go along, that those most actively engaged in doing plain and fancy uplifting are always careful tos uplift somebody else's little private or public enterprises and leave their own strictly alone. It reminds me of the time they started the Law and
 
 got together one morning to map out campaign. Somebody suggested stopping the Sunday excursions, but Brother James Sniffletree rose up with a pained expression of countenance and a wave of the hand and stopped that. Brother Sniffletree had stock in steamboat line. He suggested instead that the League go after the rumholes that were polluting our fair city, whereupon Elder Jasper began to utter low, moaning sounds. The elder was by belief total abstainer, but he had one of those chronic stomach troubles that had to be treated out of small bottle behind a door about once in so long. It was undoubtedly the stomach trouble that gave him such warm pink breath and nose to match. Of course, before the elder would engage, even in directly. in the damnable liquor traffic he would've cut off his right hand, but it seemed that he owned one or two cor ners that were rented to saloon keepers and-well. you know how it is. The mat ter of abolishing the rum holes was dropped and then the league was up a tree for something to regulate because ours was a small town and we didn't have a large assortment of public evils to make choice from. But Judge Shift CT came to the rescue-dear old soul! The Judge had a way of hanging onto your hand in moist, clinging manner and
 
 when he was introduced to you that was a work of art. When 1t came to spread ing the salve he was a whole Savage corps He wore one of those Culpepper Courthouse goatees and nobody ever saw him without his spite fence and his head ache tablets on-high collar and plug hat, you know. There was general belief that he slept In 'em. And the Judge was there on this occasion with the ready in telligence. He moved that the league go after Chin Sock. the Chinese laundry man, down on South Main street. Chin didn't have any friends and there was report that he mistreated the horse that pulled his delivery wagon by feeding the poor thing boiled rice and old shirts h. stead of free-born American oats. So the motion was unanimously adopted amid great enthusiasm and the local uplifters lit on that heather all spraddled out. He got six months in the county jail for cruelty to animals, if I remember right"
 'Well, personally, I don't want to be uplifted" said the House Detective
 What difference does that maker said the Hotel Clerk Neither did Chin Sock