Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-17

Bridget-Shure, mum. Oh trippeI
over the rug an we need new set Of
dishes.-Puck.
ut takes baby mos two years to
learn to talk" said Uncle Eben, san
den it takes de res Of its lifetime to
learn to keep from talkin' too much
Washington Star.
Mrs. Peckem-Here's an invitation 20
my cousins wedding VIII you go?
Peckem-No, hate weddings. l some
times wish / hadn't attended my own.
Spare Moments.
She-Frankly, now If you had to
choose between me and million, what
would you do?
Held take the million. Then you
would be easy.-Life.
Caller-So your cook has passed
away to better place?
Hostess-Yes, but l don't know If
she'll stay poor Bridget was very hard
to suit.-Boston Traveller.
Benevolent Old Gentleman-I am sor-
ry, Johnny to see you have black eye
Promising Youth-You go home and
feel sorry for your own little boy-he's
got two !-Philadelphia Inquirer.
Boreleigh-Yes, Miss Doris, I suffah
dweadfully from insomnia, y know.
Miss Doris (suppressing a yawn)-
Did you ever try talking to yourself,
Mr.. Boreleigh ?-Boston Transcript.
"She's got future" Can she act?"
"No, but she can work her eyes better
than any lady in the business, and as
for wearing swell clothes-gee! she
couldn't do better if she was twins" -
Life.
Porpoise is the whale blow
ing about?
Dogfish--Oh, he got so many notices
for his feat in swallowing Jonah he's
been blowing ever since.-Boston Tran
script.
Miss Antique-Just think Of the
nerve of that impecunious fellow to
propose to me.
Miss CaustiQue-Nerve? Why, it was
absolutely recklessness. - Milwaukee
News.
Weary Walker-I see five hundred
more men has been t'rown out of
work.
Tired Traveler-Gee! Deres gettin'
to be too much competition in our busi-
ness.-Puck.
Hiram Greene-What did your sister
say when you told her l was going to
make speech in the town hall to-
night? Willie-She didn't say nothin';
she lust laughed till she had Mysteries!
STRAY Stories.
Trotter (who has been abroad) $50
Maud and Charlie finally married? Miss
Homer-Yes. Trotter-I suppose they
are happy? Miss Homer-Undoubted
they each married some one else.-Chi-
cago Daily News.
"There goes a man who once offered
to make me independently rich.' But
he didn't appear to know you. At least
he gave you no sign of recognition"
"You see, refused to buy the stock. =
Chicago Record-Herald.
"Now, Pat" said a magistrate to an
old offender, what brought you here
again?" 1.-TWO policemen, sor," was the
laconic reply. Drunk, | suppose
queried the magistrate. "Yes, sor," said
Pat; both av thin. Independent.
THAT politician refuses to commit
himself" said the able assistant. He
says he's on the fence" Yes" answer
ed Senator Sorghum, land Judging from
his uneasiness | should say it was
barbed wire fence Washington Star.
"Politeness costs nothing said the
man of ready-made wisdom
81 guess" answered Mr.CumroN.
"that you never had any experiences
with these cafe walters who regulate
their politeness by the size of the tip"
Washington Star.
Every bit of food on this table"
said the serving lady to Lamson, as
he sat down to eat at the church sup
per- "was cooked by your wife,
"Oh, l don't mind" rejoined Lamson
family, I'm not bit hungry any
way."-New York Times.
"You say this man stole your coat?'
said the magistrate. DO l under
stand that you prefer charges against
him?"
well, no, your honor" replied the
plaintiff. 81 prefer the coat, if it's all
the same to you, sir."-Philadelphia
Press.
"Of course" said the optimist, IF a
man gets into the habit of hunting
trouble he's sure to find it."
"Yes," replied the pessimist, land
IL he's so lazy that he always tries to
avoid 1t, 1t will find him. So what's
the ferenceT-Catholic Standard
and Timps