davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1909-08-25
AN IMPRACTICAL JOKER.
He Thought 1t Was Very Funny to
Fire the Hayrick.


Practical joking, the meanest form
of wit" is common in Hungary. For
merly the FRANKS used to be coarse.
If not dangerous. but that is changing
now. The only saving grace of the
Magyarian practical Jokes, says W. h.
+. Bovill in Hungary and the Hun.
garians,' is that they are not perpe=
trated in a spirit of bitterness.
One of the most famous iokers of the
old school was Jezsa Gyuri Exilcd
In one of the most inaccessible parts
of the great plain. he lived and died
"a prodigal and 4 buffoon'
A story is told of Jozsa going to
spend night with Il Count Keglevieh.
Wishing TO he impressive he journey
cd thither in beautiful new coach. of
which he was very proud. On being
shown over the grounds by the count
his attention was directed to n remark
ably fine hayrick. Hay was then
standing al n good price. After sup
per 1o2sa drew together some friends.
and the rick was soon nothing but II
heap of ashes
The next morning when Jozsa want
ed 10 continue his journey his Won
derful carfia@e was not to he seen
anywhere.
why. my friend" said the count,
'you Yourself burnt II last night The
fact is my coach house wants repair
ing, and rs the evening threatened to
be wet we put your carriage under
the rick to keep 1t dry
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1909-08-25
A MONSTER SKULL.
One That Was Said to Be Bigger Than
BusheI Basket.

One of the most remarkable finds of
gigantic human remains of which we
have any record was that said to have
been made ut Palermo. Sicily, In the
year 1916 when an entire skeleton of
unheard of proportions WIS unearthed
by some marble quarry men. These
mammoth remain measured exactly
thirty-four feet from head To foot and
nine feet seven inches from point To
point of the shoulders.
A stone ax buried with this old time
giant may still be seen at Palermo In
section ~ of the St. Isorent museum.
1t Is made of blush looking, fine
grained bowlder and appears to he
about two feet eight inches long by one
foot broad and nine inches through in
the thlckest place. a musty, rusty look.
Ing tag attached to the relic informs
the visitor that 1t weighs fifty-two
pounds, but the general verdict is that
1t could not weigh over thirty or thir-
ty-five pounds
The skeleton was burned by mob
in the year 1862 during the prevalence
of the black death at Palermo, the
ignorant, superstitlous people belicv-
ing that II was connected in some mys.
tcrious way with the death dealing dis.
temper. The skull of this giant, ac-
cording to Able Ferregus, was large
ly excessive of the baskets sayd to
believe wlthe teeth to the number Of
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1909-08-25
Willing, but Helpless.

shave" was all he said. and he
snapped 1t out as If he wanted to be
let alone during the operation.
You oughter have hair cut, sir
Needs II badly" said the barber
mo. | want a shave said the man.
Everything was quiet for the next
few minutes and the barber scraped
away. Then. the bristles removed. the
barber ran his hands through his hair
preparatory to eombng 1t. That seemed
to remind him of something.
Hairs getting thin, sir. Shall put
on some follcular freshener?" he in
quired.
mo" snapped the man.
The barber fused about some more
and then, TRY a facial massage just
what you need" he said
No; only want the shave" said
the man firmly.
This appeared to get past the barber,
for as he was flirting with the combs
and brushes and looking over the Gus
toner's cranial development he re-
marked In friendly and kindly tone,
just as II he idea had that moment
occurred TO him. You oughter have
your hair cut. sir"
The tired mans patience was all
gone now. Hang it," he exclaimed
IF you are so anxious to cut some
body's hair. why don't you cnt your
own? rs four times us long as
mine"
Sadly the barber looked at himself In
scribed by the mid Victorian term
"ambrosial and outrageous" Y
"If could would" he answered.
New York Press.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1909-08-25
Animal MimlcrY.

Observers of nature are frequently
struck with the singular rcsemblances
of insects to leaves, dried sticks, etc,
and these likenesses are supposed 10
have grown out of the necessity Of
protection against or concealmcnt
from enemies. An interesting example
OF this kind of resemblance was
tomologica society In London by Il
naturalist. who exhibited spider
found Inhabiting some rocks near
Cannes, on which were also fastened
the cases Of II species Of moth. When
at rest the spider exhibited almost
the moth eases surrounding II.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1909-08-25
How Tobacco Got IL. Name.

The origin of the word tobacco is
not definitely settled. Oviedo, one Of
the early Spanish chronlclers, says It
was named after Y shaped instru-
ment which was commonly used as a
snuiIing tube. The two prongs were
placed In the nose, and fumes Of tho
powdered leaf were inhaled. This was
called "tobaco," which was the name
given to the plant. On the contrary,
one OF the islands OF the West Indies
Is said to have furnished the name.
1t Is asserted that tobacco was first
taken into Spain In 1868 by Fernan-
dez, n physician. who had been sent
by Philip II. of Spain to investigate
the products of Mexico 1t next
reached Portugal. was soon introduced
Into France by the French ambassa-
dor, Jean Nicot, and sent to the Portu-
gucsc court In 1850. When he re-
turned to his home he presented some
of the seed and leaves to Queen Cath
crime de- Medici, and tho scientific
name of the plant was thereafter des-
ignated MS nicotine" In his honor.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1909-08-25
AFTER THE BATTLE.
An Incident That Seemed to Explain
Joshua's Miracle.

An incident That Seemed to Explain
Joshua's Miracle.
There was an incident III our life Mt
Brandy connected with Gettysburg.
which Is worth relating. Batchelder,
whose map of the battlefield of Gettys-
bury is authority and whom we had
fallen in with while we were there,
asked to join our mess mt Brandy when
he came to the army TO verify the po-
sitions of the various commands. One
night we had just sat down to dinner
when he entered our big hospital tent,
quite tired.
Well he announced after taking
his place nj the table u have been
down in the Second corps today. and
believe have discovered how Joshua
made the sun stand still | first went
to regiment and had the officers
mark ON the map the hour of their
position ut Il certain point. Then |
went to regiment in the same bri-
gade. They declared positively II WAS
one or two hours earlier or later than
that given by the other Sc IL went
on, no two regiments or brigades
agreeing, and II | limited that some Of
them must certainly be mistaken they
would set me down by saying with
severe dignity, We were there. Batch
elder, aud we ought to know. guess,
and made up my mind that ii would
take Il day of AT least twenty hours
instead of thirteen at Gettysburg to
satisfy their accounts So when Josh
ua's captains got around him after the
fight and they began TO talk 1t over
the only way under the heavens that
he could ever harmonize their state
ments was to make the sun stand still
and give them all chance"
Any one who has ever tried to estab-
fish the exact position or hour when
anything took place In an engagement
will confirm Bateheldcr's experience
and possibly, IL not too orthodox, ac-
ccpt his explanation OF Joshua's feat.
Morris Schaff in Atlantic.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1909-08-25
To Was or Not TO Mas

Dear me. now.' exclaimed the
nervous old lady with the seventeen
packages and the parrot. bound for
Cookie on-the Shell What did the
guard say was the next station? Did
he say CocF 2"
Excuse me-" demonstrated the girl
from Girton. you mean what Is the
next station. It's still station. you
know"
you're wrong, madam" interposed
an octogenarian. what is was, isn't
it?"
rs Is was?" asked the Girton girl
sharply.
Don't be ridiculous!" snapped the
nervous old lady. WAS may be is.
But IL was was is then is isn't is or
was wasn't was" She passed her
hand across her fevered brow. If
was is. was is was. isn't it?" she con
tinued. But If is is was. them
Listen" interposed fifth. "Is
is, was was, was was was. is is Isl
ooh, well. anyway" cried the old
lady, sis the next station my station
Cockle-on-the-S SHELF"
"No. madam" replied the octogena-
rian. But 1t was. We have just gone
by it."-London Scraps.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1909-08-25
THE BUFFALO.
A Good Surveyor and One of Our First
Roadmakers.

The buffalo was a good surveyor. 1t
ia not reason out why it should go in
certain direction but its sure instinct
took II by the easiest and most direct
paths. over high lands and low, TO the
salt licks and water courses which
We're its goal. The authors Of 1.-The
Story of the Great Lakes" Edward
Charming and NJ. +. Lansing, say that
the buffalo observed something like
the principles which today govern the
civil engineer.
AS soon as the explorer landed on
the southern shores of Lakes Eric,
Michigan and Superior he came upon
buffalo roads or traces" Sometimes
these We're narrow bitches, u foot wide
and from six inches to two feet deep.
trodden down by the impact of thou
sands of hoofs as herd after herd Of
buf1aloes Ind stamped along in single
file behind their leaders,
When the first path became too
deep for comfort because OF repeated
travel the buffaloes would abandon It
aud begin second path alongside the
first, and thus the frequented traces
would be gradually widened.
Again, IN immense herd of these
heavy animals would crash through
the forest. breaking In their rapid
progress a broad. deep road from one
feeding ground to another. As this
route would be followed again and
again by this and other herds, II would
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1909-08-25
Balancing an Eaq.

All the world knows how Column
bus on a historic occasion made an
egg stand on end. After many learn
cd theories had been advanced on
balancing the egg he set the egg on
end by, of course. MASKING down hard
enough to form base, but the prob
lem is capable Of still another solution.
1t Is an easy matter to set an egg on
plate. for instance. II you know how.
The trick Is impossible until the egg
has been boiled in an upright position.
The position Of tho hardened yoke at
the end of the shell lowers the center
Of gravity until the sphere can be
spun or even balanced with ease.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1909-08-25
A MAN OF LUCK.
The Story of the Test by the Eastern
Kings Minister.

NtHy B MINISTER.
A king once said to Il minister, "Do
you believe in luck? =
81 do said the minister
Can you prove II 2" asked the king
Eyes, ! can
So one night he tied mp to the cell
ing of n room n bag containing peas
mixed with diamonds and LET In two
men. one of whom believed In luck
and the other in human effort alone
The one who believed IN luck quietly
laid himself down on the ground ON
his blanket: the ether after Il time
found the bug and, feeling in the dark
the peas and stones ate the peas and
threw the diamonds to his companion.
saying, "fhere are the stones for your
idleness.
The man below received them in his
blanket.
In the morning the king and the
minister came and told each man to
keep what he had found The man
who believed In trying got the peas
which he had eaten: the other got the
diamonds.
The minister then said, "Sire, there
may, you see, be luck, but II is as rare
as peas mixed with diamonds, SO let
none hope TO live by luck."-An East
ern Fable.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1909-08-25
NORTH WOODS INDIANS.
Natives Who Helped the Whites Across
the Upper Wilderness,

NATIVES VINO reipeu tne Wn1teS ACROSS
the Upper Wilderness.
1t was the North woods Indians who
led the white race across the upper
wilderness trails and helped that race
to get and to hold its footing there.
As the lower tribes, such as the Iro-
quois, were allies of Great Britain in
war, SO the people north Of the great
lakes were the allies of that country
in industry. Without the sturdy voy-
ayers of the north, half Indian at
least. the fur trade could not have
been.
Ii you read the story of Sir George
Simpson, of David Thompson, of Sir
Alexander Mackenzie, OF Harmon, of
Hearne. of Alexander Henry the
younger-indeed. of any of the early
or late explorers of Hudson bay or
the old Nor'west company--always you
will find that the real man behind
the pack and paddle was this northern
native Perhaps he was not full
blood. Indeed, for the most part the
typical voyager was not. From the
time of Grcysolon du L'hut on down,
Wild white blood has merged with
wild red blood.
The first fur traders ON both sides
our territorial line got on very well,
for there was much marriage accord
ing to the laws of the aboriginal
world, and the tendency was for the
two races TO dwell in harmony. 1t
was iirewater. cows and plows that
broke up the game.-Emerson Hough
in Recreation.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1909-08-25
Teaching Him a Lesson.

The new mail carrier on the rural
free delivery route glanced at the name
on the letter box by the roadside,
stopped his horse and spoke to the
roughly attired farmer with the old
SLOUGH hat who was resting his sun
Drowned arms on the gate and look
ing ut him.
II see he said, 'your name Is
Holmes"
"Yes"
Beverly G.Y'
eyes, I'm the man that lives here.
"Any relation of Sherlock Holiness"
gravcly asked the carrier.
NO sir answered the farmer, "buI
I'm detective enough TO know that
you're not n very good judge of human
nature. You took me for an ignoramus
because I've got my old working buds
on. I'm Sherlock Holmes enough TO
look at mans face and eyes before
l size him up rs u Some man for
me? Thanks Youths Companion.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1909-08-25
Men and Their Feet.

The Frenchman's foot Is long, mar
row and well proportoned. The
Scotchman's foot, according to aDthro-
biologists, is high and thick, strong
muscular and capable of hard work.
The Russial's foot possesses one pc
cullarity, the toes being generally
'webbed' to the first joint. The Tar.
tar's foot Is short and heavy, the foot
Of a certain type of savage, and the
toes are the same length. The Span
~ curved. The Englishmans foot Is
In most cases short and rather hcshy
and not, as a rule, as strong proper
tlonally as 1t should be.-Argonaut.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1909-08-25

that way And Constantius is headed
for the garden. He is a good looking
old duffer, Judy"
Il hope he has piles of money" Judy
said.
"1'll run back and Dress" Robbie
said But l wish you'd let me get
the Lady of the Roses If he gets My
Lady Daifodil. Judy"
go way" said Judy. but her eyes
were kind.
There were golden shadows across
the grass as Bobbie went toward the
gate, and Miss Priscilla,S gown made
spot of gold in the dusky corner
where the dalfodils grew And at the
gate Bobbie met Constantius, but the
man scarcely bowed. His eyes were
on that golden spot in the dusky cor
ner.
"My Lady Daflodl," he said softly.
Miss Priscilla turned started up. and
her eyes were like stars.
Connie she gasped and then Bob
bic fed.
And when he crept back later be
found shades on the silver candle
sticks.
He produced a great bunch of dafIo-
dis and Judy put them in silver
bowl in the center of the table.
Judy. this is my old friend Con-
stantius Mercer" said Il happy voice.
Constantius held Judy's hand and
looked down mt her. "priscilla and
have been wondering how YOU hap
pened to make her wear that yellow
gown today"
"A little bird told me you were Mt
the hotel
"a little birdg'
"Bob-olink," said Bobbie from the
other side of the table.
oh" and Constantius grasped the
others hand, Il told you l knew Miss
Perkins,"
! Yes. said Bobbie, land told Judy,
and thereby hangs the tale
But Censtantius was not listening
hand in hand with Miss Priscilla he
was looking ut the daffodils that nod
ded under the golden light
And Judy. watching the old lovers,
turned her eyes presently on her young
lover and then her hand went out to
him and behind the backs of the 9TH
| ers he bent and kissed her.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1909-08-25
PAID THE DEBT.
Tho Captain Settled the Account Be-
fore His Vessel Sailed.

Inc Captaiu Scttied the Account Be-
fore His Vessel Sailed.
In Burnaby's Travels In America
In 1885," Il book quite popular during
the latter part OF the eighteenth cen.
tury, the following incident is related:
The captain OF British man-of-war
cruising off the Massachusetts coast
left his wife In Boston. On one of his
visits to port she came down to the
wharf to meet him, and she was salut-
ed as n true and loving sailors wife
deserved. This violation of law was
ut once reported, and the captain was
brought before the magistrate and
sentenced to be publicly whipped.
There was no getting out of 1t, and
the captain submitted quite gracefully.
Just before the departure of his ship
he gave an elaborate entertainment, to
which all of the magistrates were IN
vited. After the festivities were over
and every one had shaken hands with
the captain and was going over the
side the magistrates were seized by
the arm and stripped to the waist.
Each ono was led to the gangway,
where vigorous boatswain gave him
thirty-nine lashes on the bare back
and then hustled him over into boat
amid the cheers of the whole ships
company.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1909-08-25
ONE OYSTER ENOUGH.
He Swallowed II Alive and Had to Kill
II After It Was Down.

II After 1t Was Down.
a farm iaborer from the interior on
his first visit 10 London dropped into
small oyster shop where n number
of men were eating raw oysters. The
extreme satisfaction displayed on the
faces of those about him created long
ings of gustatory nature IN the new
arrival who edged his way up to the
counter in anticipation of eating n
real live, juicy oyster
1t was the first time he had seen an
oyster, and he became Mt once inter
ested, and when the shelllish had been
finally uneased he proceeded to bal
ance II on the end of his fork them
with a look Of extreme satisfaction,
gulped II down
Great Scott" shouted man stand
ing near him. you haven't swallowed
the oyster alive, have your"
There was horrible pause.
.That critter Will eat right through
YOU shouted another.
BY this time the poor colntryman
was sinking with fear and horror. He
w navy ttiiipl I'iiIlo III
his abdomen and was soon doubled up
in his agony. He begged some one to
go for II doctor 10 get the thing out.
He continued TO grow worse, when
some one suggested that he take
dose of iabasco sauce, which II was
claimed would kin the object that
was creating such terrible commotion
In his internal arrangement.
He grasped the bottle with avdity
and took draft. His condition, which
before had been alarming to the vie
tim, now assumed a serious phase TO
the perpetrators of the hoax.
The man gasped and cbokcd He
became black In the face, and tears
were running down his face. when
some one thrust bottle of oil into
his mouth, and he was forced to drink
copious drafts
The effect was magical The oyster
WAS evidently dead" He became
more composed, and when he finally
recovered his breath he said:
I'VE killed 1t. But when that darn
ed stun got into my stomach that oys-
ter rushed around as II shark was
after it."-London Scraps.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1909-08-25
.IaueIIe Mater.

Wherever water Is used In preparing
beaches 1t should be soft. The alkall
in hard water affects all chemical sub.
stances. ,Iavelle wafer il Il standard
preparation for bleaching white things
and removing spots and stains, but il
must not touch colorcd surfaces To
make it dissolve half a pound Of wash
ing soda in IL pint of boiling water and
mix II with quarter pound Of chloride
of lime dissolved in Il quart Of boiling
water. Stir well, let settle, pour off
the clear liquid and keep closely corked
In n dark place.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1909-08-25
SpoiIinu the Show.

Snowman don't know as we can
give any kind of a show this after
noon. Assistant-What's the matter?
Sbowman-Tha fresh kids been In
the cage Of the man eating lion having
romp, and the crlttcr Is AS playful as
a kitten, the farmer we rented the sa-
cred COW from India from says the
money amt payin' him for the loss of
his milk route, and the wild man Of
Borneo says he's got to have "A day
off 10 register and see the police pa
rade Baltimore American
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1909-08-25
Weinht of Brain.

brain is forty nine and half ounces
avoirdupols for males and forty-four
ounces for females. In males the
minimum weight Is about thirty-four
ounces and the maximum sixty-nve
ounces In females the minimum
weight is thirty-one ounces and the
maximum Gfty-six. In newborn in
fants the brain weighs about 11.65
ounces for the male and ten ounces for
the female.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1909-08-25

AS usual, he was moDopolizing the
newspaper
please lei me have the woman's
page" she said.
He carefully tore Off page and
handed It to her
II was full page advertisement Of
n millinery opening, and he ehuckled
at his own little Joke.
Stlll, she was rcvenged. She went TO
the opening, and he paid the bill-Chi.
cagO Post
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1909-08-25

Convincinn His ChtInn.

Johnny In the GARDEN Father,
father. look out of the window!
Father quitting out his head)-What
u nuisance you children are! What do
you want nowl
Johnny with triumphant glance
at his playfellow)- Brooks
wouldn't believe you'd got no hair on
the top of your head.-London Tit-Bits
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1909-08-25
A Reneficent Rule.

$50 you are ninety-four years old!
To what do you attribute your long
llfe?'
"A good many things have contrib
utcd to 1t, the most important, I think,
being the care which l have always
taken not TO get into fight with
bigger man than myself."--Chicago
Record Herald.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1909-08-25
The Attraction.

you say you are In love with Miss
Baggs?"
II sure am
"But I can't see anything attractive
about her"
Neither can | see It. But It's In
the bank, all right. "-Cleveland Leader.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1909-08-25
A Good Guess.

Does your father know you smoke.
little boy" asked the inquisitlve
stranger.
Il guess not" replied the bad boy.
''He doesn't lock up his cigars. De
troit Free Press.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1909-08-25

A Relief From School

Johnny-Hooray! Tommy-What yer
30 happy about? JOHNNY don't
halter go to school today. Tommy
Chez, y're lucky! WY dontcher?
JOHNNY gotta go to tn dentists an
have three teeth pulledl-Exchange.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1909-08-25
A Candid RETROSPECT.

"Why are you in this prison. my
friend?' asked the phianthropist.
ut was the result Of my own folly"
"In what way were you foolish?"
81 didn't employ the right kind Of
a lawyer for my case" Washington
Star
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1909-08-25
An Ample Test.

The Insurance Agcnt-Sure your
heart isn't weak? The Insured One
Oh, yes, yes. The Agent Ever test
It; The Insured-Yes, indeed.
watched fifteen inning ball game
with the score ! to 1.-Cleyeand Plain
Dealer
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1909-08-25
A Nose For the Truth.

Exact truthfulness. according to u
writer in the London Sketch, had Its
proper reward In the following in
stance:
Teacher Now, can you tell me what
the olfactory organ is? Boy-Please,
sir, no, sir. Teacher-Quite right