The Birmingham age-herald., 1909-04-04
CHAPERONES FOR
 THE RARE CASES institutions That Would Be of
 Aid to Men OF PERIODIC ROBUSTNESS Proposes the Hire of Manly, Muscular and spriehtly Guardians at So Much for the Occasional
 Rummies.
OF PERIODIC ROBUSTNESS

ioih tht DpsNOH EeIdiu.
 What I have in mind to organize" said the man with the scuttle of suds in front of him. 'is an outfit of muscular, sprightly, seasoned and workmanlike young fellows to act as chapperons for occasional rummies.
 T think that herein I put ny finger upon a widespread and a crying need. There exists. l am told. regular organ- zation of highly proper male ehaperons for young women studying art and sing ing and such like all by themselves. There is, I am told. a htout of shop trained males who accompany and ad- wise women visitors, especially those from rural sections, on New York shopping ex- petitions. There are, in fact. all sorts of associations of this guiding and pro- tecting character. There is even an asso-. ciation that will send to your fiat upon call by phone a properly credentialled young man to take your dog out for an airing.
 Why then should there not be an es- tablishment where upon call the occa- sional souse could obtain for any desired period of time the services of a competent guide, handler and all-round protector? My question calls for no reply. The need for such an organization and specially trained body of rummerino handlers is too obvious to be open to a word of argu- ment.
 "The point is this: Sizable towns are stuffed and cluttered with goa people who, nevertheless, are confirmed periodical pickles. They will take a wallop at the old thing every once in a while. They don't want to do 1t. But they do it all the same. They've got the reservation jumping habit.
 Well. what happens? Why. everything happens Everything mean and measly and onery and bedinged happens. In the first place they don't have any fun be- cause. being unguded, and therefore un- restrained, their lamp goes out long before the game gets good.
 But it's not only a matter of their not having any fun. That's the smallest part of the trouble. It's other things duly appointed, accredited and recognized chap eron.
 You know what mean The occasion- al souse, batting around by his lonesome in this mans town, gets trimmed, frisked, rolled and shredded to a fare you we'll
 And it's not the frisking altogether, either, that makes the whizz of an oc- casional souse a trouble punching affair for him. Unaccompanied or even accom- panied by friends engaged in whizzing with him. he gets into futile and gener- ally acrimonious arguments with strang- CTS. Often he gets punched. Often too, he gets pinched. He rattles around like a mustang dice in a tin cup, and every where he goes he's in his own way and everybody elses-after everybody else, that is to say, has taken a dip in at his roll. Ia
 He becomes dry land castaway and nobody pays any attention to his c Q Ds except to slip a mitt into his kick and pull something out of it. Losing his ap- preciation of the value of time, and espe- cally of the need for the maintenance of proper intervals between gulps, he shoots one in once in every three and three-eighth minutes. and the inevitable result is that long before the cherry blos- soms begin to appear on the sides of the buildings for him, and the street cars be- gin to make symphonic music for him by merely clattering along the street, why, he's spiffed, gummed, drenched, orrey- eyed and pie-lamped.
 He is even liable at such times to meet up with some idiotic friend who will take him home to his wife in such shape, which is the final catastrophe.
 Well then. Here we have a situation that could easily be obviated. Here we have a condition of things whereby thou sands of good people. worthy people, but periodical pickles all the same go forth from day to day in search of the ideal, the twlnky-winky by the red-eye route, only to bump up against 100000 different kinds of bother that is wholly unneeessa- ry and that could be forever eliminated by the organization of an established body of trained chaperons.