The Birmingham age-herald., 1909-07-25
THE HOTEL CLERK ON THE
 ACT OF TRUST BUSTING
BY IRWIN S. COBB.

"H'ass5;piy 's5;iy. 'si' os ,as the st HiSs' asssss. Ds W q see the government is
 after them Sugar Trust magnets agin. I'm glad of it."
 "Som l." said the Hotel Clerk, cheer
 fully, "gladder than a broken leg. AL most as glad as an attack of acute in fammatory rheumatism affecting the entire left side. I couldn't be any more gladstone over it than I am, not if I'd just been carried into a hospital for in eurables with great care to keep me from jostling apart before reached the operating room. Glad? Why, Larry, I'm that glad that when I dream about 1t at night, I sob aloud in my sleep.
 And why not be glad? Why not, ask you? Pm always glad when this re- lentless bloodhound of government or ours-some say blood-orange, but l pre- fer the stronger term-when this relent- less bloodhound of a government Of ours goes out after one of the big trusts. It doesn't do the trust any damage and look what good exercise 1t is for the Department of Justice, or the Bureau of Mound-builders Relics and Flint Arrowed Collections, or the Curator of Postage Stamps at the Smithsonian institute, or whatever breach of the federal admins traton it Is that has charge of these de- termined and searching prosecutions. Iris like a puppy dog chasing his own tail, only perhaps less exciting. It works up fine healthy circulation for the pup and when the ardors of the chase are re- low flao tam nnf nUrn there's the tail still wagging away like dwell, like a horse and wagon, let us say. Trust-busting, with us, Larry, Is gentle, dainty art, like archery. tatting and making Battenberg edgings by hand. Tea-pouring is a far more arduous call ing.
 About once in so long-not so often perhaps as in the days when B. w. Tumbo, Esq, was on the job-but about once in so long, Larry, about once In So long Mary, or words to that effect, it's customary for the Attorney General of the United States and his alert and vigilant assistants all over the country to undertake the dissolution of some one of the grasping, greedy trusts that op- press us. Fine and nutritious! A corps of highly trained special Investigators, who got their jobs by special appoint ment because they couldn't pass the civil service examination for custom house janitors, go forth on special trains. un- der special appropriations and spend sev- eral years working up the special evil dence. When they have amassed several thousand pounds of documentary proof that nobody will ever read, federal grand jury returns the indictments and the federal marshal calls a grand lodge of deputy marshals together and makes the arrests. Whereupon, three cheers from the populace and those large grape trellis headlines on the front page of the paper. Hip, hip, hip-disease! At last the common people are coming into their own.
 "They're coming into their own, all right, Larry. but there's to be none of this mad precipitate haste about 1t, and the poor foolish creatures might as well understand that now as well as some other time. There's a special organiza- tion of experts to see to 1t that the com mon people don't come tearing into their own with a crash that would be liable to knock down the whole train shed. Let them come into their own,' say these kindly specialists, including corpo- ration lawyers, civil lawyers, lawyers who are only civil at rare intervals, criminal lawyers, very criminal lawyers, and plain lawyers to do the inside work, let them come into their own, but let them do so gently and by degrees, so as to soften the shock. We'd suggest that the ultimate arrival should be postponed until some suitable date. say about 80 years from now, by which time. so our esteemed clients assure us, everything could be suitably arranged for with standing the strain of the common peo-