davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08
RAILROAD STORIES.
Tho Man Who Paid the Conductor an


the Name on the Ticket.
An CID time travelling man was ta!.,.
Ing OF experiences of former days uil
the road. Frequently" said this tray-
eler, II journeycd to Cincinnati The
fare from my city to that place wls
then about $,.225. saved something
by handing the conductor So in cash.
One day there was an excursion, and
l bought a round trip ticket for ST %
or Sl.5O-Tve forgotten the exact
amount but that circumstance need
not cripple this story. When han. !
this ticket to the conductor as he tore
off the return coupon he looked at me
and in voice betraying how deeply
he was hurt he remarked My Young
friend, don't you know that / can ar
ford TO haul you much cheaper thar
this company camp
con another occasion, when in CHI.
cago, Il colorcd man met me Mt the en-
trance of the station, asked me where
| WIS going and offered to sell mo q
ticket for 81. The ticket was to Louis.
willie, but | was only going to Indian
apolis. Cheap enough.
When the conductor came along TO
take up my ticket he asked me my
name. 1t was usual TO write ones
name on the ticket in the presence of
the conductor. l told him my name
was on the ticket. He grinncd as lie
handed il back and asked me to look
at 1t and say ii that was my name.
looked. The name on the ticket was
Mary Flaherty.' He grinned again.
somewhat sarcastically, but he took
tie ticket. "-pittsburg Press.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08
The Silver Thread.

y matron in Harlem was calling
upon another Matron i'll Harlem Nci
ther was young, but one looked
more so.
Really, my dear said the one that
looked more so, You ought to have
your hair treated. It's becoming quite
gray in spots. See what difference
1t has made with me. You would look
much Younger really"
but don't care to look much
younger if ! must dye my hair to dc
So" was the reply. II prefer to be
natural If the Lord sends me gray
hair there's Il good reason, and Pm sat
isfcd'
but think of your children, my
dear They're grown mp row
What have they got 10 do with it."
"Wh.T. don't you see: The younger
you look The younger it makes them
appear. -Nnd your girls are way past
twenty. you know"
The matran who WAS gray in spots
VAS still lookin. dazed when her Wis,
itor departed. New York Globe.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08
THE BACK OF THE NECK.
Make It Proof Against Drafts anc
Colds In the Head.


when | was a boy" said n doctor,
~ didn't believe in drafts. l thought
that they who imputed colds to drafts
were crankS But one November
night at concert felt all the even
ing strong draft on the back of my
neck. 1t Was SO strong it resemblct! a
suction pump. Now said ! TO my
self. wen see If this draft will give
yours truly Il cold
He shuddcrcd.
.'lur Il week, he said ~ was Laid
up with SO vile q cold that couldn't
And now ] am satisfied that nine ont
of every ten colds are solely due 10 Il
draft on the back of the neck
Il know how tn prevent such colds.
Hence ] may practically say that l
know how to prevent all colds. ] is a
fact that none of my patients, thanks
to my method, know what Il cold is.
"Thcy learn from me to do this to
battle the back of the neck every
morning in cold water. Thus the spot
becomes hardened 1t becomes draft
proof
and when a new patient, peculiarly
sensitive to colds, visits me, my pccu.
lar treatment is To blow on the pack
of his neck With II bellows; fer several
days in su'cessien. The bellows, IL
conjunction With the icy douchc, frees
him from all future susceptibility.
Thcnceforth his winters pass without
that horrid winter pest, n Ind cold
New Orleans Time Democrat.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08
Costly Law Ra!,os.

An English .iud%c'S outfit in the way
of robes imposes; !, heavy tax upon til.
newly alspcinttd judge. although Tho
COS! IT, not nearly so great as 1t was
in the early days of Queen Victoria
Then it was the custom for the Inv
!un,i.ares To attend court functions
in ii@nrcd Galli:,ssls silk gowns. Will
costly lace bands and rutllcs. Thesi
GER. n celebrated legal dignitary OF
that day. il, said on one occasion to
haze spent f1GD on bands alone. The
lord chanccllor's robes cost somelhis.
Nike ll10. and even Il Judges stockings
are AN expensive itcMi. The wardrobe
Of Il judge costs ANYTHING from 300
TO $3.50. ard II tina neN'is fed.cd ''i,ay
trtl Is alta; he'd 10 The liing's; bcncl
division he will require five gowns, !,
"irdl". Il scarf. Il casting hood. black
cap. Il three eornerrd cap, beaver
hat. Il cooked hat. siik lat. l:,ce
hAidsarl TWO fl;.l court suits. swords
etc. TO keep M the mas,c5ty of the
law. London Glol:c.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08
coiored Preachers Text.

a colorcd man in Atlanta. GA. is a
preacher on Sundays and barber on
week days. One of his customers
makes 1t a rule TO be first in the chair
on Monday morning, when he is sure
of being entertained by Il resume of
"Tncle Rastus' " Sunday dissertation.
At night the family always looked for
the latest from the colored brother.
This was rnc of his recent illusions:
"Ycstclel,iy took for my text Clean.
liness hii next IL godliness. and
dun reach My climax wild dis arsu-
ment: Now. what day follows sun
day: Why Monday. Monday is
wash Gay in all well regulated fam
blics. Monday comes ncX' TO sun
day; So my nred.!cn. that settles il
that the words Of my tex am true
"Clcanline@s am mex TO god'ness. +" '
Chicago Re-ord-Herald
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08
ANGER is DANGEROUS.
Wrecks the WhoIe System a

IL WRECKS the Whcle system anc
Tends to Shorten Life.
II Is well known that violent lit OF
/ temper affects the heart Instantly, and
psychophysicists have discovered the
presence OF poison In the blood immc-
diately after such outburst This OK
plains why we feel so depressed. cx-
hausted and nervous after any storm
Of passion-worry, jealousy or revenge
has swept through the mind. 1t has
left in its wake vicious mental poison
brain and blood.
There is no constitution so strong
but 1t will ultimately succumb to the
constant racking and twisting of the
nerve centers caused by an uncon-
trolled temper Every time you be
come angry YOU reverse all of the nor
NAL mental and physical processes.
Everything in You rebels against pas
sion storms; every mental faculty pro-
tests against their abuse.
If people only realized what havoc
indulgence in hot temper PLAYS in
their delicate nervous structure, If
they could only see with the physical
eyes the damage done as they can see
what follows in the wake of a tornado.
they would not dare to get angry.
When the brain cells are ovcrheatcd
from fit of temper their efficiency is
seriously impaired, if not absolutely
ruined. The presence of the anger poi
son, the shock to the nervous system.
Is what makes the victim so exhausted
and demoralized after loss of self con
trol-Orison SWEET Marden in Success
NJopaviun
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08
Abroad.

Abroad is locality entirely sur
rounded by scasi%lsncss. In another
view ii is Il bourne more OF less mss'
tci.ious bounded ON its farther side by
your income and on it's hithcr side by
custom houses where YOU have to de
clare everything yen bring hack Will
you except q foreign accent and ono
change of hosiery.
Abroad is where
1. They put
O. Labels all over your luggage and
b. III all over YOU.
2. You are almost always going
down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and
the good Samaritan invariably wants
tip.
Abroad is the stage of history. but
that is only because history made tho
too common mistake of not seeing
America first.-puck.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08
SNORING.
Ono of the Evils We Acquire With
Our Civilization.

One of the Evils We Acquire With
Our Civilization.
1t is a tl'uism that no one ever heard
of snoring savage. In fact, IL the
wild man of The woods and plains doc,
not sleep quietly he runs the risk OF
being discovered by his enemy, an,!
t,ic scalp Of tho snorer wolll,! soon
ndprn the belt of his crafty and more
quietly sleeping adversary With civ
lllZation, however, we have changed
all this. The impure air of our sleep.
ing ROOMS induces all manner of ca
larrlial affections. The nasal passages
are the first 10 become affected In.
stead Gf warming the inspired air on
its WAY to lie lungs and removing
from ii he dangerous Impurities Will,
which IL is loaded he nose becc.lcs
|obstlucte1. a part Of the air enters
ana escapes by the mouth. The veil
of the palate vibrites between the two
eHrrcnts-tlat through the mouth ANA
Tho one still passing through the par
TALLY closed Eos!rils like Il torn sail
n the wind. The snorc then, means
that the slecpcr's mouth is partially
open, that his nose Is partially closed
aud that his lungs are in danger from
he mir not being properly warmed
and purified. From the continued Oh
Grafton OF these ca.i&ns the increayc
of impure air in sleeping rooms ard
permitting habitual snorcrs 10 escape
killing and sealpins some scientist
has predicted that in the future al.
mon (and all women too, will snarc
II goes iioae "iih decay of The teeth
md badness. Health.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08
Natural Eindness

At an ont of the way railroad juno.
ti"n Traveller found himself hungry.
but with only two minutes to spare
before his train left. "l'll take Il cup
II coffee lie said to the young wo.
man i'm charge of the restaurant. 1--WE
no time for anything else"
''icn can take all The time you want
sir said the young woman cordially.
You look ut this bin of fare, aud III
telephone to the superintendent to de.
lay the train IL little WHILE
Why. can that be donc?' asked the
traveller in amazcment.
"ccriain!H.' said the young woman.
of course ii can. It's Il branch road
and no Other train coming q! going
over it today. and the superintendent
would want YOU TO have Il good meal.
He owns this restaurant = Youths
Companion.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08
Mh,t 1i,e.. s.ie4


Did the girls SAY anything whei
they heard Of my cngagcmant:' She
asked. with a little curiosity.
Very little was the reply of he.
dearest friend
''i'lt they said something's"
oh. yes; they said something"
Well, wllar was it:"
We'll. most of them merely ex
claimed, At TASTY
There was pause, and then she
asked:
~McIl what did some of the others
say"
"onc of them said. Who'd hay,
thought it:' Another. Will wonders
never cease And II third
"Ol, never mind the rest inter
rup'ed the Gancee. II never did have
much curiosity"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08
A Wheat Hnsnit.l.

This wheat has been through the
hospital" said u miller Il can tell
BY the fine polish on the grains. Wheat
that has been through the hospital fol
smut disease comes out better than
well wheat
The wheat grains, in truth, shone SC
that one could almost see ones face in
them.
Ecu can see your face in them
can't you:' said the miller. "And nc
wo.-der. They've been through drastic
Treatment drastic. Smut is a nasty
disease, Il kind of mold, that changes
the starch and gluten in wheat to O
black powder. When YOU see flour
full Of black spccEs it is a sign that
some of the wheat was smutted The
cure is first to wash the wheat thor
oughly Then you dry it. Then you
scour it. Then YOU dry it again
Finally you brush il. Wheat hospitals
they are found in most grain ele-
vators nowadays have big machines
for washing, divine securing and
brushing the grain, and wheat on Its
very last legs comes out of those in
lirmaries as spruce and blooming as a
football girl.'-Buffalo Express.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08
Was He Helirious2

Almost every man. says a Raltl
mere specialist. learns sooner or lat
er to think of his doctor as one of his
best friends. but this fact does not
hinder tho world from laughing at the
professsiun
How l.; our patient this morning?
asked a physician. a fellow graduate
of mine. of Il patients brother.
"'Oh he's much worse came from
tho other in a tone of detection. He.
boon Ge!iriou; fer several hours. At
o'clock he said. "What an old woman
that doctor of mine u.s." and he hasn't
made a rational remark Stree Lip
pineott's.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08
Keepinu Up the Limit.

In j. Comyns Carrs "reminiscences
is characteristic anecdote of Burne,
Jones. who had consulted his doctor
about certain symptoms which seemed
alarming.
How many cigars do you smoke in
a day." the doctor inquired of his pa
ticnt. to which Burne-Jones had care
lcssly replied, "Oh. think about six"
"Wcll,' replied his adviser. for the
present you had better limit yourself
to three" And in detailing the Incl
dent to me afterward Burne-Jones add
ed. with chucllle. You know, my
dear Carr. I never did smoke more
than three"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08
Nicotine.

eff excessive smoking alone could
cause heart degeneration" writes a cor
respondent of the London Mail, such
eases would be common instead of ex-
trcmely rare. The fact is that only an
almost infinitesilnal amount Of nicotine
is absorbed in smoking. An ordinary
sized cigar or an ounce Of smoking to-
bacco contains enough of this virulent
poison &c Ill two men. The only rea-
son all smokers are not killed at once
Is that the nicotine is destroyed in the
combustion of the leaf"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08
Too Much Quiet

On one occasion The hustlng aud
energetic archbishop of York, Or.
Maclagan, wrote 10 tie vicar in an
outlying village suggesting that he
should lend his church for the purpose
of giving the clergy of the distre, a
quiet day" for meditation and frazier
nal reunion. The witty vicar of this
sleepy hamlet in the wolds promptly
replied:
My Dear Lord Archbishop-You very
kind letter TO hand. But what the people
In this village want most in their spiritual
life is not n quiet day" but an earth
quake.
London Standard.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08
The Influence of Bath.

Is There amy town in the world that
has so imposed itself rs much as Bath
.!pon the life ard lap@Nag" of the ma
lion? For some There are Es.:h buns
for others Bath divers, and the mill
1ant ladies who find the buns too soft
may throw Bath bricks at office or
tier windows if they disapprove Of
.llc Bath Chaps. When we become in.
firm 1t is the Bath chair we seek And
hat "thousand Years" of the middle
ages without a bath" seems now hor.
|rible.-London Chronicle
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08
an Anneal For Mercy.

Judge" said the prisoner, 81 sup
pose you're going to soak me-
You are a labltual offender" re
piled the judge: were caught with the
stolen goods. aud the court will have
to do it's painful duty"
II don't want TO seem unreasonable
replied the prisoner. IL don't mind {;
long sentence. I'm used to 1t. But
say, judge. cut out the lecture tina,
usually goes with II. won't YOU.
Philadelphia Ledger
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08
a Risina Fall.

A certain member of the British
government who was admittedly a
great failure was being discussed by
two of his colleagues.
And now" concluded one, "they
want to make him peer.'
No" said the other. With greater
acumen; they Want to make him dis
appear
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08
Just Suited Him,

"Aliss fansy, so suhtingly has got
we'll developed Aims. eff yo'll pahdon
ma saSin' SO"
"Ah developed dem aims worSin'
7vall &C washtub, Mistah Rufus"
"Um--um-er-Miss Pansy, will yo
be ma wife?"-Denver Post.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08
Separated.

Some men are fond of work. and
Others are not" said WILDER. Take
Dawson, for instance. He is welded
to his work"
Not now," said Hickenloopcr. Hes
been divorced
Divorced? What do you mean"
asked WILDER.
lie was bounced last Saturday."
said Htekcnlooper. Lippincott's.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08

Mrs. H. Hackley resigned her
position as manager of the Bel
Telephone Co, yesterday, and
will leave for Ames, Iowa, on
May lst, where Mr.. Hackley is
engaged as shoe salesman. Mr..
and Mrs. Hackley have been
very popular during their resi-
dence in this city and their many
friends here regret to see them
leave.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08
The Brute.

Yes, this room is dark, damp and
positively uninhabitablc 1t is sup
piled for Your wife's mother, II she has
one"
'she has. III take the fat Boston
Traveller.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08
An Old Timer.

Hes an old newspaper man"
about how old?'
"Well, he can remember when they
only issued extras when something
happened. ~ Louisville Courier Journal
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08
1akina Chances.

Mother Johnny. your Uncle Henry
will be here for dinner. and you must
have your face and hands washed,
Small .Iohnny-Ycs. mamma. but s'pos-
in somethin' happens and he don't
come, what then?-E Exchange.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08
Either Wax.

Psmith-I'l invite you home to din
ncr with me, but we have no cook.
Ijones-And I'd invite you home with
me. but we have Cleveland Lesd.
ar
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08

Prock Spencer, of Seaton's
addition, is reported quite sick.
Mr.. Spencer is an "old timer"
having driven stage between
Council Bluffs and Sioux City,
in the early days in western 10
wa before the advent of tie
Iron horse.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08
Procrastination.

"W'hy is procrastination said to be
the thief of time?" asked the teacher.
"'Cause it takes a fellow SO long to
say it," answered the bright boy at
the foot of the class.-Chicago News.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08

them on the wheel, I'VE pre-
sumo that it would be no des-
erection to perform a pious deed
like this on Sunday with the
whole city assembled to wit
ness the performance. 1t
would make a little old ball
game look like ga hundred to
one shot,. If we are going to
be orthodox, let's do the thing
right. "a Tough"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08
Not So Exactins.
cn're n butcher now ",

$50 you're butcher now?''
EYES, explained the former dry
goods clerk. THE ladies don't try to
match srarcribs or steak. "-Kansas
City Journal.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08
The EntomoIoa;st,s Boon.

Professor Ito his aged cook)-You
have now been twenty-five years in
NY service, Regina. AS reward for
your fidelity have determined TO
name the bug ! recently discovered
after -Fliegende Batter.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08

The Goodrich Bros. are pape-
ring the Butcher restaurant
this week. George is going to
have one of the finest restrain
rants in town.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08

Speak With contempt of no man
Every one hath q tender sense of rep.
ntation- Burton.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08
Mrs. Frank Oviatt is the guest
of relatives in Woodbine.

Misses Edith and Florence
Coulthard, Marjorie McKinnon,
and Mrs. G. w. Richardson, are
attending the matinee of the
TRAITOR at the Boyd, in Oma-
ha this afternoon.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08

you are.
| know that you argue that
you work hard six days a week
and that Sunday is the only
day that you have on which to
seek a little recreation and en-
| JOY an hour or so of good clean
manly sport. know you are
hard working perservering and
do your utmost to be a good
citizen, always anxious to see
The town improve: you may
even go to church on Sunday
morn regularly and contribute
literally, still | must tell you
that these, things count for
naught, so long as you enter
tain in your heart a desire to
witness a ball game on the Sab
bath.
And while we are about it, ]
would like to know if you are
aware of what constitutes q
"tough?" No? Well, we'll en-
tighten you, altho we confess
we didn't know until a few day 8
ago, when we were enlightened
~ the timely article in the
Times. A "tough" is a man
Who has good red blood leap
ing through his veins and who
S 50 dense that he cannot see
Why he should loiter around
the house on a Sunday after
'oon, wearing a hypocritical,
sanctimonious expression and
gradually acquiring a case Of
"Chronic Crouch" instead of
getting out in the fresh air
and enjoying himself for a few
moments. And we have to tell
you that there is no hope for
these Coughs" for we are told
that they "are bound for the
bad anyway" and so there is no
sense in trying to thwart pre-
destination. We know that
you have been thinking differ
ently of the teaching of the
meek and lowly Nazarene, hav-
ing an idea that he taught that
none were so utterly corrupt,
chat his love could not redeem
them. So thought we once,
but a new Moses has arisen to
lead his people out Of the wild
erness, so let the "toughs' go,
we are better off without them.
We only want to save thoss
that are already saved.
Of course the game would
occur so far out that the most
delicate feelings of the most
pious need feel no affront by
following" and yelling and
"cursing" q on the grounds,
neither will anyone be "forced"
to attend, unless their own evil
desires force them to form a
part of the "mob." But we
are nevertheless opposed to it,
for we believe in being miser-
able on Sunday and we want
all others to be the same.
Please don't give us that old
cant about making this a land
of religious freedom. That's a
joke, whose whiskers were grey
long ago. We know that this
was the ambition of such men
as Jefferson, Franklin and
Paine j. e. that no man should
be forced to worship against
his belief. We need to return
to those good old days, when
the rack, the thumbscrew and
the torch put forth such a
beautiful plea for an obser-
vance of the Sabbath. If we
only had some good men
to bring a charge of
heresy against these "toughs"
who would play ball on Sunday
we could then burn them on
the public square, or break
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08
oAaroHIA.
3..n IL. >,1hs Kind You Have Always Bought
''s. :; LZ1zzzzal

Geo. Butcher and John Brin-
ker, who have been the day and
night Marshals in this city for
the past ouryears, are now pri-
vate citizens. For four years
they have looked after the in
terest and the good behavior of
our citizens, and during all time
have rendered the city good SER
vice and have seen thatthe peace
and quiet of the city was main
tanned. They both made good
officers, and retire with the re-
spect of the people they have
so long and faithfully served.
j. B. Leet will move tomorrow
into Mrs. Swans house on End
street.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08

The "Newly-Weds" had a very
delightful time last evening
with Mr.. and Mrs. r. L. Coult-
hard as host and hostess, at
their home on third street.
Three tables were placed for
Progressive Whist, which all
enjoyed immensely owing to
the closeness of the scores. After
counting up the games, it was
found that the high scores
were tied so the honors were
evenly divided. At midnight,
q delectable supper was served
on small tables by the Host as
sisted by the Hostess.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1909-04-08

If chameleon becomes blind IT
loses its power to change its hue and
remains Il blaciSish colur.