The Birmingham age-herald., 1909-07-11

figure Wltu nm. NO, no, stony hearted creature, he is without bowels of compass sion, and 1t Is of no consequence to him how you writhe under the ordeal of be- ing smothered, cholSed and crammed, gorged and stuffed on unsolicited advice or counsel
 Then just view the mode of attack of the adviser. It is as brutal as his heart- less crime. You are perhaps enjoying your new automobile, that you pur- chased after spending weeks of study on various makes, and the price paid made your purse look like an empty pea shell. Of course this car seemed the very best comb ination possible to you, you are perfectly satisfied with the purchase and as calm and delighted as-well say our next sheriff, Colonel Ono, no, pardon me, it Is old Kentucky soil not Alabama that sprouts that happiest of binations-colonels and corn-neither complete without the other). George B. Ward will be when he takes oath of office Along comes MT. Peace Dlsturber, the adviser. Say what make of machine have you -bought?' You say, Swiftone.' Say, you are dead easy, like to throw away money, why that machine is the craziest ever, a regular wheel-barrow Never fear you will never be before the Judge for speeding. Now you should have bought a "Clickety Click" that Is the only auto on the market worth buy ing. It has a'-and there you must listen to yards of advice, yes yards of the stuff that has been on the bargain counter for years, while the adviser who never owned any vehicle, except perhaps baby carriage (and his wife pushed thaD hands out quantities of advice about automobi iles-hoW to buy them, how to operate, and yet the law says thou shalt not run him down and swiftly glide over him and mercifully fiatten him out Well may men paint you blind for missing golden oppor- tunities for doing good work.
 Tt is useless to say the adviser knows your business a million times better than you do yourself. If man buys good railroad stocks, the adviser forthwith advises him to sell 1t and invest his money in some wild cat mining concern. The advice he gives in allopa thic doses to the lawyer is, Give up mental work and go join hands with the blow handle. The grocer listens to his advice to study for the ministry, the farmer he urges to nave to town to educate his chill dren, the blacksmith to study law and so on down the line.
 When you are sick, ah, then this prince of bores is in his glory. You may have In attendance three special ists, world famous for their Knowledge of your complaint and the adviser may not know hysteria from cholera, but that does not prevent him from chiming in, and advising what to do and to follow some remedy that his Aunt Har- riet had used with telling effect on the pet pig.
 But. my dears, with all due courtesy, the greatest tormentor in the bore line is the female adviser While the male ad- wiser is pest to society, the female is certainly a menace. It is she who drives her husband to the asylum with her never-ending Jack, dear, do change your coat; you have been in the rain and must be damp, and will have rheumatism, Jack dear. You really should drink water Instead of coffee (water maketh neither purse nor person lean) Jack, dear, you must not smoke; 1t Is so bad on one's heart. and I fear you will get nicotine poison It is this very person who be- comes the divorce courts strongest ally when she steps over into the land of mother-in-law beginning with, Mary, take this advice, and don't give in to your husband. Make him walk the chalk. Re- fuse him the privilege of latch key and don't you ever believe him when he tells you he was kept at work at night Or, William, take your poor, dear mothers advice and be firm with Mary. Don't let your wife boss and henpeck you as she will do if you let her have that pretty new gown she has set her heart on
 Right then follows trouble and ali- mony which is, candidly, 40 degrees worse than being bored.
 How to deal with the bore, did you say? Well, that Is a matter of purely individual taste and tact, and no doubt success along the line comes with ripe old age and experience. Different peo- pie have struggled along and worked out many and various theories, but the con census of opinion Is the quickest, surest way Is to trot right off at Lou Dillon pace in an opposite direction just when MT, Miss or Mrs. Adviser, or any of the Advisers appear. Flee as from a plague.'
 .'This-is the only known way of keep ing ahead of the adviser. But, girls, re- member girls-remember-it Is wise, ex- ceedingly so. to modify this in case Of those from whom you have great expecta- tions, with a wealthy old relative for in- stance; 1t Is wise to even court danger and urgently request her advice on per- sonal matters, namely, when it comes to selecting a husband (she can give you barrels of advice that will be worth while, especially if she is an old maid beg pardon I should say bachelor girD. If you would appear most dependent and womanly, always ask your husband s Sad- vice whether you use 1t or not, for 1t Is a most becoming habit; ask 1t if you have to file for future reference-yes, ask (but right now I am advising, stepping right in MT. Advisers shoes, so flee, girls, from this adviser flee as if for your life)"