The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1909-03-14

~NNNNtN NOils Il OQSnNtAN
to call 'em that, either They can't
seem to help gettin' that way, any
ulore'n other folks can dodge havin' b d
draSms. or boils on the neck. And ]
amt any mind specialist; so when it
comes TO sayin' what'I soften UP a
mans brain, or whether he couldn't
sidestep it if he tried, 1 passes the
make.
Now look at this dippy move Of Mr..
Jarvis. Guess you don't remember
him. I'd most forgot him myself, it's so
long since he was around; but he's the
young chap that owns that big Blen-
mont place, the gent that Swiftly and
helped out with the fake match when
he Well, never pind that yarn. He
got the girl, all right; and as he had
everything else anybody could think of.
it should have been a case of lockin'
trouble on the outside and ta.kin' Joy
for a permanent boarder.
But there the other mornin', just as
7 was havin' a breathin' spell after
hammerin' some surplus ego out of a
young society sport that had the idea
he could box, the studio door opens.
and I'm pokes this Mr.. Jarvis, actin like
he'd been doped.
Now he's a big, husky, fuIl-blooded
young gent, that's always used himself
well, never collected any bad habits,
and knows no more about being sick
than a cat knows about swimmin'. Add
to that the fact that he's one OF the IN
employed rich. with more money than
he knows how TO spend, and you can
figure out how surprised I am TO see
that down and out look on his face.
Course, I thinks something serious has
been happenin' to him, and treats hin
real gentle.
Hello, Mr.. Jarvis!" says I. "Some-
body been THROWN the hooks into you,
have they?"
ION. no." says he, 'No, I'm all
right"
That's good" says I. Dropped in to
let me hand you few vibrations with
the mitts?"
mo, thank you, Shorty" says he, nm
germ a chair back sort Of hesitatin', as
If he didn't know whether to sit down or
stand up. That is-er-I think don't
care for bout today. lin hardly In
the mood, you see"
Just as you say" says ]. Have
seat, anyway. Sure, That one; it's re-
served for you. Maybe you come in TO
enjoy some Of my polite and refined
conversations"
"why-er-the fact is. Shorty" says
he, fixiu' his tie kind of nervous, II
don't know Just why 1 did come in l
think I started for the club, and as
was passing by in a cab I looked up
here at your windows-and-and-
"Of course" says !, soothin'. Whats
the use goin' to the club when the ply
steal culture Studio is handler? You're
feelin' fine as silk; how're you lookin' ?"
Eth? Beg pardon?" says he, gettin
twisted up OF that notify gag. "Oh, I
see! I'm looking rotten, thank you and
feSliPg the same
Gwan!" says I. you amt got any
license to have feelin's like that. Guess
lrrs
where do you think it hurts most?
Well, il takes five or ten minutes of
jollyin' like that to pull any details at
all out of Jarvis. and when | does get
the whole heartrendin' story, hardly
knows whether to give him the laugh,
or to send for nursin' bittle.
Ever seen a great, grown man play
the baby act? Talk about woman IN
q erwin spell! That amt marker to
zen droop his mouth corners and slump
his shoulders over nothin' at all Course,
[ don't always feel like a hickey boy
myself and I'll admit there are times
when the rosy tints get a little ciouded
up; but I has my own way of workin'
out of such spells before the mully-
grubs turns my gray matter into cur
died milk. But Jarvis, he's as blue as
rainy Monday with the wash all In
soak.
In the first place, he's been alone for
nearly three whole weeks, the women
folks all bein' abroad, and it's a new
experience for him. Think of that aw-
full calamity happenin' TO man of his
size! Seems that before he was mar
ried he'd always carted mother ana
sister around, under the idea that he
was Iookin' out for them, when, as a
matter of fact. they was the ones that
was lookin' after him. Then Mrs. Jar
Wis, Lady Evelyn that was takes him
in hand and makes him more helpless
than ever. He never mistrusts how
much he's been mollycoddled, until he
finds himself with nobody but valet
q housekeeper. and seventeen assorted
servants to help him alOnS IN the stTug-
gle for existence.
His first move after the ladies have
sailed is TO smoke until his tongue feels
like a pussy cats back, eat his lone
some meals at lunCh-COunter clip, and
work himself into mild bilious state
That makes him a little cranky with the
help, and. as there's no one around tC
smooth 'em out, the cook and half q
dozen maids leaves in a bunch. His
head coachman goes oft on q bat the
bousekeeper skips out to Ohio to bury
an aunt, and the domestic gear at Blen-
mont gets to TUnnin' about as smooth
as a fat wheel trolley car on new
roadbed.
To finish off the horrible situation
Jarvis has had a misunderstanding witt
a Landscape architect that he'd engaged
TO do things TO the grounds. Jarvis haC
planned to plant q swan lake In th'
front yard; but the landscaper point!
out that it can't be done because there!
a hill in the way
t'To be sure" says Jarvis. these arr
rSfle things; but I've been worrying
over them until-until-- Wen, I'm II
bad shape, Shorty"
ITS a wonder you're still alive, says
/.
DON'T" says he, groanin'. ut is TO;
serious a matter. Perhaps you dom
know IL. but l had an uncle that dTanl
himself TO death"
"Huhi" says 1: Most everybody ha'
had an uncle of that kind
And one of my cousins Jarvis goe'
on. lowerin' his voice and lookin
around cautious, shot himself-in tn
head"
..Eh " says I. And then begun t.
get a slimmer of what he was drivin
at. What You don't mean that YOU
were thinkin' of-of-"
-iHe groans again and mods his head.
= Then I cuts loose. why. look here!
saws I. 'You soft boiled, mush-headed
spineIess imitation of a read man! d.
Won mean TO tell me that, just becaus
you'ye been tied loose from a few skirt
- a r,aat or 50 and have had = d.