davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The star and Newark advertiser. [volume] (Newark, N.J.) 1908-1909, 1909-01-14
Fridays ForcefuI Jan. Sale Bargains

Decidedly "Exfra Special" OF unusual import to you from point
of desirabilty and saving of unusual import to US, for we must now
make the most of every moment to sell no end Of winter goods though
there is plenty of using time for you, and to move great quantities of
other desirable merchandise for present and future need, to make
room for rapidly incoming spring goods. Hence the following many
and hundreds more bargains as strong, not advertised. Come and see
how worth while every Offering is. Red Cross Stamps Cont d o Sale
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1909-12-26

CONGRATULATED on their election % That
stanch Republican and careful patriot.
Senator Hale. 10 Congress"
Brazil produces many hard nuts.
obligate humbly. but il never grew
Senator Hale"
Emperor VIM. glour peevly az me IKE
he wished 10 HIT me with his mailed INST.
where else I'm America could great
man be born except In Brazil?' ne de-
range.
ut are superstitiOusly Supposed thar
Senator Hale were acquired by Massa-
cbusetts for Tariff purposes" I manipu-
late. But II your Royal MAGISTRATE
wish him TO be born in South America
n can be easily arranged by many IN
surgent Republicans. who would be glad
to have him as far away as possible
There Is one other Great American
that I do muchIy admire" rake of VIM
forgetfully. "but his name skips me at
this moment"
Maybe IL is Hon. Geo. Washington OF
Hon. Thos. Jefferson" snugsest NosL
IT have heard Of them also" report
him. but they are too dead 10 interest
me. do not care for such patriots. III
they are Republicans then I am some
thing else. But the gentleman / am at
teupting TO remember Is so different
from washington or jefferson that you
would recognize him at once"
"PerhapsIy you mean Hon John d
RockefeIIOwT' depose.
1T Is exactly him I mean holla VIM
smilishly. How is that sweet old man!
"Stin solid but slightly dissolved l
snuggest.
II hope he lives forever rattle that
Crowned Boss. He has been more
phiIanthropical 20 Germany than any
thing T can mention. He has sold kero-
sene to the German people several cents
cheaper per gal than he would give II
10 the United staters. II he would visit
Germany I should make him a Count
He is every inch Man from the sole OF
his toes TO the crown Of his wig"
'He is not only a Man. he is a SCENT
ist." suppose.
What great Science has he done?" de-
test Emperor.
'He has dishcOvered how 70 strange
hookworms with coal oil.'' snUggle-
What is II a HoOkwOrm?" say VIM
with slight German grammar.
"A HOokworm." define. lis species
Of SLY snake what reverses itself.
The Emp. of Germany pause and give
marcel wave TO his mustache. Military
parades swish past him, cannons BUMP
salutes and the Royal Carlsbad Dis
mounted Irregulars come boofinS by
with guns on edge respectfully. Hon
Kaiser VIM. look neglectfully 70 this
Them American milliOnaires." he say
"are what my cousin Theodore Won
RoOsenfelt would call a COrksr.' They
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1909-12-26

are wonderful vermifuges. Hon. Car
negfe no sooner give 81 100000 20 poison
BcOkwo-ms than Hon. RockefeilOw get
taIous and give similar amount % poison
HoOkwOrnls."
Me and NOgi see symptoms % witty
thought in these remark. So We laugh
wOrshipfully.
II admire your German wit for its
cheapness and lasting qualities" I say
with chivalry.
AT times 1 am called the Royal Cut
Up" commute VIM. shyiy. II am not
afraid OF the widest joke that ever
wagged. That Is the difference between
me and John Bull OF London. who can
not tell Joke from a International IN
suit When 1 declared with humorous
giggles that expected 20 have the great
est Navy in the world. poor old John
took me sadly and got scared. AS con-
sequence England have got Naval Pol
ley Of two new battleships a day and
torpedo boat every fifteen minutes. TIE
Admiralty Office have got nervus pros
tratus and the House Of Lords is sick
abed with budgets. I am nearly tickled
hysterickal with innocent amusement 20
think about all this excitement for moth
ing. / OftenIy wonder where my sense
OF humor will lead me next"
Maybe il will lead you 20 Liverpool
with 10000 Cerman-speakinG foreign
ers." I suggest.
There are some Jokes" say Hon
Kaiser. that you cannot carry too FAR
hot al -
of them"
Emp. VIM. look less converse tionaL In
the distance we could see Hon. Yep
pelin's airship approaching for 20 take
His Royal Magistrate up for a joyfu.
ride.
Have YOU got any slight Presidential
Message you would Ike me 20 fetch from
you 20 Hon. Taft I negotiate
Tell Hon. Taft" say VIM. with self
appointed manner. "tell him not 20 blame
everything that comes along 20 the Con-
stitution. Tell him the best way 20 make
Trouble is TO seek Peace. Tell him %
revere the Laws. but 10 remember that
Truth does not always perch on those
who can hire the best Lawyers. Tell him
the Emperor OF Germany gets his advice
from God. but that the President OF
America is usually less fortunate
Hon. Zeppelin airship now lower down
and elevate Emp. VIM. by stepladder
''The Watch on the Rhino." national air,
is played by - German bands Hon.
Airship sore imperiOusly away. leaving
me and NOgi & O-Fido looking baseiy
upwards like 3 cockroaches in earth
quake.
Hoping you are the same
Yours truly
HASHIMCRA TOGO
(Copvrirht. 1909 by the Associated Lit
erary Pre5s-J
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1909-12-26

The CCnvenences 90 modern life accord
Ing 20 one youth. are "Fireless telegraphy
stylish dressing. sporting life. incubator
The student who was confronted with the
request 20 mention a place or en- object Of
interest TO travellers IN Greece apparently
was lost I'm the mists OF antiquity when no
wrote: Greece for sceneries OF olden times
like cOnselium and other things made bv
Turks and romans In early times In Con
stantinople."
TRANSACTIONS. particularly OF idiomatIo
phrases. are pitfalls. II one may Judge
from the results.
one requirement was the translation OF
the Latin sentence. "Mcrtalin decuit yiolari
voinere divom?" CIs Il fitting To inlet a
mortal wound upon the gOds?'D TRANSLATED
II read In ono case. 1T H. fitting 10 sprinkle
mortaline In the wounds Of the gods?''
Inter yier Augen." a German phrase
meaning Face 10 face. in private" was
translated By one high school hopeful as
'Four-eyed wears glasses" while another
concluded trat "Er baut auf seine eigene
Hand Gle builds at hls own risk, or sx-
pense. OF his own aCcord'D was 10 be trans
latei. He cultivates IA His finger nails
docs no; wash his hands,
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1909-12-26
Emperor William Gives Togo
A Message for President Taft

Emperor. We elope TO Royal Palace,
where We was not expected.
rs Hon. Emperor inside:" we ask
out.
He have Just stepped out in his otto
mobile" say Hon. Hailboy with Frank
Hitchcock expression Of frozen calm.
Where 10 find him. please?" abduct.
Wherever there is a Parade he is sure
20 be hanging around" evapOrste this
Boy. giving slam-up 20 door.
So we accompany our footsteps 10
Templehofer Field. where military en-
thusiasm is most oftenly seen marching
around. And sure enough: This fiat
grounds was entirely covered with Ma
tional Guard Encampments mingled with
Scheutzenbunds and Artillery. Every
where the eye could reach was trombone
music. uniforms and flags covered with
glory long tin line Of heroes was
gallOping with angry swords. Such
splandid advancing, Such gallant re-
trieving, Backward and for;hwsrd they
eloped with German banzais. When I
see so much gunpOwder / feel very
scared like a Friendly Power.
In the distant way-Off me & NOgi
could see a Gentleman in a brass helmet
dumped between Il and Ia army off,
GERS.
THAT must be Emp" say Nogi. We
gaze reverently in that direction for
moments, but just when We was most
comfortable the entire German Army
come gOlluping over hill. There was
nothing 20 hide behind but our courage.
Yelps from O-FidO. Straight at Us
stamped them firm horse-riders. When
they were ninety feet away they stopped
up and got out their guns. Ready,
Ames. Scheutzen," holla Hon. Capt. And
before We could hear il a volley like
Mount Vesuvius mending its steam pipes
bursted across our heads. Me and NOgi
stand SUI expecting we would not be
st n. but O-Fido became entirely hydra
phobia by the noise. With yalls &
sQueaks like a Suhragette Lecture that
doggish mammal start scamping across
Templehofer Field I'm the straight direc-
tion of Emperor Wm.,
In exciteable pursuit Of O-Fido start
We and Nogi hoping 10 save Hon. Kaiser
from death from dog bites. After US
ran the entire German Army with war
CRY: but me and Nogi was too Marathon
20 be caught. Nearer and more closer
we come IL O-Fido. In another moment
we should snatch him. when To-,
Somebody grabbed that poor canaan with
short kick-and when next We looked
he was standing with 81 Yards Of VIM.
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1909-12-26

Berlin. near Germany.
To Editor Tribune, who got appetite
FOR Intelligent Food. Yet do not real
ize how nourishing Brains can he when
they are prepared thc German way.
Dear sir: I can write the L. :. Ian
guage 80 fiuidly that readers often as
similate an my words. I can also say
delicious syllables In japanese. But
must arrive 20 Germany. thank YOU. he
fore understand how difficult IL is 20
ssy-so when YOU can't.
I revere them Hon. Germans because
they are remarkable IN every direction.
They go around living. marrying, march
ing with militias, opera singing. Joke
talking and increasing childhood. And
every word OF this is done in the Ger
man language. Yet they seem 10 have
plenty Of leisure for whatever else az
rives. Even in their beers they seem 20
understand each other. In that dear
Papaland. when sweethearted persons
are walking together boy monaghan,
they make INSTRUMENTATION by saying
Itch Libbey Ditch" And when next
seen they are engaged. This show how
Love cannot DE smashed 10y any Diction-
AIRY. however thick.
When me and Nogi & O-Fido arrived
20 Berlin we could see how everybody
vas preparing 20 go % war with Eng
land. Generals. Admirals and other Po-
licemen Was setting around Ratsldllers
telling each other how 10 do it, Beer
enjoyed between all conversations.
what Is more greater than our
Navy" require one Admiral surrounded
Ivy his schooners
Nothing but our Army" report one
General with famous Milwaukee salutes.
"Our Navy is twice as great as any
thing you can imagine" snuggest Ad-
miral
Il cannot follow YOU" say General Il
am already three drinks behind. 4"
SO Hon. Band play some moro and
everybody order another Hook Tor HIM
self and one FOR the Kaiser.
when me ana Nogi a. O-Fido see this
N'arlike preparation, We enjoy Peace
Congress feeling like Hon. Carnegie.
"Nogi" I say-so 10 my dear Cousin.
somebody should see Emp VIM. and
tease him 10 Toe gentle with England be-
fore IL Is too late"
'Who would hoe good persons for this
Cchcacy." require Nogi with safe eX-
preston like q Central Bank.
If nobody else shall, then you and me
q O-Fido must I petufy nobly.
Agreeable vag-tails from O-Fido
80 We seel, forth 10 search Up this
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1909-12-26
ODD EXAM" REPLIES
UNCONSCIOUS HUMOR
or STUDENTS.
Mental C0RtOriiOns Of Some
applicants for Regents Ger
'ifcdtcs IRE Startling.

There are two points OF view regarding
tho Regents examinations in The schools
OF New York State They are those q
fhe student and the examiner With what
suIiety does the student take his scat on
the morning ~ the day 81 examination pre-
usratory 10 the struggle with the questions
which are soon 90 be laid before him. and
with what mingled feelings ~ hope ana
fear does he look forward 10 the an
nouncemeut - his fate
The examiner al Albany who passes
,spon the students work has no such sen
timcrts Reading answers % the same
ouestions day after day, and marking the
9apers of unknown students living pos
sibly. hundreds 81 miles away. L. a he-
lIumbing task indeed. Occasionally "A cue
llous or amusing answer catches the 80.
end serves 20 tighten the labor and bring
q smil" 20 the lips AZ he or she reads
-earfly down the sheet II Is like an
oasis ina desert of words. an indication
that the pages have = connection with
human experience by contrast these
lloams % humanity appeal TO the eN-
Hnuner and he Is tempted 10 record them
ioi hIs future delectation Here are few
gathered from ,ne mu!utudiuous papers
which passed through the HANDS ~ the
examiners the last summer. Evidently the
phenomena 81 The natural world are
stumbling blocks To not few.
"Of what benefit ale nsa@' Was an
swerod ~ one student IN this way: II
d were not Tor the fish In Tie lakes the
water would often overflow aua destroy
forests for the fish drink o great deal OF
water"
Possibly the youth las succeeded whore
scientists have failed il solving the mystery
q tllc passage 81 Tie Red Sea. Tic fish
drinking heavily a. the Hebrews APP
preached. aud returning the water 20 IT.
former place when Pharaoh and his cohorts
apps AIRED in pursuIt.
Franklin proved that lightning Was cleo
tricity. produced 10y rubbing eats hair
on tho hack backward" wrote one youth.
History mythology and politics also trip
che feet Of the plodder in the fields %
anoVledgo
Name men u Massachusetts and tell Tor
what notede" was one question.
-AIr salem Nsttlecraft. Governor %
Massachusetts was reply.
.Describ' the character az Paris a. con
cciVcd hy Homer
.Paris's great hobby was women. and he
Wa worthless in anything"
what Be- the President outhe"
"SWears that this country shall come be-
fore God" Another ans Ker Was,s "rhe
President takes the vokc ~ Office a"
Tho answers 10 the question. describe
the spois system. were various one
wrote. THE spoils system was system
or place where all spoiled things or waste
vac kept ard the plan - appointment
which las largely replaced tins wss the
Board az Health
A secOud answer WAS. 'After = While ths
l:eDubnoan party became known the
Tree spoil Parry" while a third wrote.
''Th, public system that las Iepla ed fhc
spoil system BE- hy lett.ng tho people choose
ths t'uBiuot Officers"
The brief reply 81 aaoiucr wac. To- The
victim lclour thc snIf,s.'
d Nas d boy who demonstrated Tie sl-
psrloTlly ~ l.is 90 - writing. "Becsuse
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1909-12-26
CHRISTMAS DINNER IN BENGAL
AN EXPLODED THEORY

do you believe there is anything In
mental suggestion"
Not a thing"
Don't you think il is possible IL one per-
son keeps his mind steadily fixed on a Ger
tain thing which he wishes another 10 do
that the other will be Influenced so that ne
Will eventually do it2''
- NO. ] don't believe in the theory at all
I've been wishing for a week that WON'T
pay me what you owe me without makinc.
II necessary for me To ask YOU for Al -
Chicago Record Herald.
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1909-12-26
THE PRIVATE VIEW.

Lady Goldbcrg-Well. general. what were
you and your charming daughter saving
about my portrait!
Gallant General (whc prides himself ON
MS tremendous tact)-My dear lady, /
make Il an invaTiable rule on these coca
slons never 10 remark on any portrait
There Il too great a chance OF the original
being within earshOt. Punch
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1909-12-26

Say Nogi like goat. I'VE have been
living on the Island OF America so long
that we feel quite inhabited"
Are your Royal Cpness interested by
America I require soapfully.
II love all parts of America" say VIM.
especially Brazil That splandid little
State should be congratulated on it's
wonderful output of gold. ivory. nuts and
ostrich quilts. It's people also should be
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1909-12-26

Hohenzollern. the only living Emperor
who ever dared initiate Theodore Roose-
Welt 10 his face.
This great Ruler poke up his mus
tache and look 20 me with unwelcOme
expression.
"GotteTdammererung report his
King. / could dlstinctually count his
Rough Rider teeth while he spoke.
Where I'm Pilsen did YOU come FROM"
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1909-12-26

please. Mr.. King. if convenient to
reply. We are schoolbOys from Japan
We debase our necks together so he
could chop up when required.
From Yapan"' he SnaSger German
iacally. Il can see by your compilations
uhat you are Naps.'
ness.
1--WE are merely cross-cut japanese"
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1909-12-26
SuPERFIUOUS.

Teacher-NOw, Tommy. suppose YOU had
Two apples and you gave another boy his
cholce Of them. you would tell him L. take
The bigger one, wouldn't yOue
TOmmy-NO. mum.
Teacher-Why"
TOmmy-Cos 'tW0uldn't he ,c..s....
The Pathfinder.
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1909-12-26
The Throne and Country.

exactly alike.
winch Is which, Mrs. Beverly asked a
10 tell the TRUTH she answered 81
can't always; but II 1 hear a noise I'M the
pantry and l call out. Fred. Is that Voua'
and ne says. Yes, mamma I know it's
fIahk. anu tfat he's IN some kind OF mis-
chief.'-YOuth's Companion -
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1909-12-26
THE WISH.

81 want some more chicken said
little girl at dinner.
If think YOU have had as much as -
good for YOU. dear" rejOincd her mother.
you can't have any more now. hut here
is a wishbOue that you NAV pull with me
Whoever gets the longer end viii have her
wish come true. Why. baby, you Ve got
H. What u your wtsht
Some more chicken said the child
Philadelphia Inquirer.
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1909-12-26
SPELLBOuND.

why don't YOU go on writing my
speech" said the orator
I'm spelbOund." replied the typist.
"IIas my elOquenCc such an effect
Yes. sir. I never worked for man Wao
used so many words I can't spell '-Wssn-
ingtOn star.
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1909-12-26
AN OVERSIGHT.

Waiter said a guest al a h,tel "a ho
inspected his bill before LEAVING "thsra ~
one item omitted "
W nat Item. SIR inquired the waiter
ne manager said Good morning TO me
Ges'erdaS; and has forgotten 90 charge tor
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1909-12-26
HOW TO KNOW THE TWINS.

The Beverly twins. Fred and Frank.
were such exact COunterparts OF each other
that none OF the neighbOrs could tell them
apart. and even their mother sometimes
had her doubts. The resemblance Ii ac-
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1909-12-26
PERHAPS he DOESN'T.

Yes"
why do they say he swears ike q
trooper or ne swears like piratef
Why don't they use something more Up
20 date%'
What for Instance
why don't they say, he swears Ike an
automobile hxerc Boston Herald.
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1909-12-26

Father-Why hsVs you ausrrelled with
Harry?
Dauahtsr-8ecause he proposed to re
last night.
Father-Weli. there was no harm w
that. was there -.
Oaughtsr-8ut ! had accepted MN tns
niaht before slIa PsgSllsn.4-
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1909-12-26

the truth when he told a woman she was
the only one he ever KISSED
He-Well. I don't believe Adam lied about
Il u EVe.-Tit- Bits.
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1909-12-26
ONE DID, ANYWAY.

she-De YOU suppose man ever spoke
The Chickasha daily express. (Chickasha, Indian Territory [Okla.]) 1899-current, 1909-07-26
A Preacher Witt
the Wrong Bunch

Judge Moore Is wondering today
whether he should not remit a portion
of fine which he imposed this morn
ing. There we're two men arraigned in
his court. each on charge of drunk
enness: accordingly his honor imposed
on each fine Of $40 and COSTS which
was promptly paid in both cases.
After paying his fine. one of the men
confidentialIy informed the Judge that
he was Baptist preacher and would
like as little notoriety as possible. He
said he came here to look after a lit
tie business and Joined some friends
In social drink and the Chickasha
variety was TOO much for him.
Judge Moore explained that in his
haghood days a license to preach was
NOT always revoked for limited indul-
gencs. but that the habit was more re-
stricted now. besides the quality Of
whisky now in use, especially in Okla
bona. was not to be trusted.
The Chickasha daily express. (Chickasha, Indian Territory [Okla.]) 1899-current, 1909-07-26
Schools Reported In
Good Condition

Guthrie, Okla, July 26,-J. w VIII
kinson, assistant state superintendent,
has just returned from trip 10 Woods
and Grant counties. He visited the
Northwestern Normal at Alva and adj
dressed, the common school graduates
Of Woods county at their commence
ment exercises; also the county teach-
ers' association which was in session
there. At Pond Greek he visited tho
County Normal Institute and address
ed the common school graduating class
which numbers one hundred and six.
ty-seyen. This is said to be the larg.
est graduating class Of any county in
the state except Lincoln county, which
graduates over two hundred pupils this
year.
The Chickasha daily express. (Chickasha, Indian Territory [Okla.]) 1899-current, 1909-07-26
nnfnnnl gHngu0F
AksHAElEI HlzZlX
BROKEN INTO

The West school building was en-
tered last night by some mischievous
person or persons and several dollars
damage done. Entrance was made, as
shown by careful investigation. by
climbing water spout to a window in
the second story
The chief damage was done In the
chemical laboratory, where number
OF useful articles were broken up; too,
it is thought that some useful articles
were taken from this room.
It is believed that the work Is that
of some rude boys, this belief being
strengthened by the fact that the Their
mometers in several rooms were bro
ken, 1t thought, by putting a lighted
match under them.
The matter has been reported to the
police and an effort will be made
to locate the guilty parties.
Prof. Wilson noticed light In the
building rather late Sunday night but
never suspected that It was any other
than those entitled TO be there
The Chickasha daily express. (Chickasha, Indian Territory [Okla.]) 1899-current, 1909-07-26
IN POLICE COURT.

The usual Monday morning string
Of cases were booked in police court;
a half dozen or more for gambling,
three for fighting. one for stealing a
pair Of shoes and So in money, an
other on charge Of stealing bicycle,
and for drunk, among the latter being
Mexican who is today with gang
helping to cut weeds and otherwise
beautify the town. The weed gang is
noticeabIy increasing and It IS now
believed that before frost shall come
to destroy them the major portion Of
this rank and ungainly growth shan
have been demolished
The Chickasha daily express. (Chickasha, Indian Territory [Okla.]) 1899-current, 1909-07-26
TAX PROBLEM
is EXPLAINED

+ Guthrie, okla, July 26.-Many Of the
Republican papers Of the state are
criticIsing the administration on ac.
count Of the tax board having levied
two and one-Quarter mills for state
purposes and one-fourth mill for com.
mon school purposes. This comes with
bad grace from the representatives OF
party which controlled the territory
for so many years and who annually
levied six and seven mills. AT that
time the United States government
paid the greater part Of the expenses
Of governing the territory. Since state.
hood, many new schools and state
institutions have been established.
none Of which the good citizens OF
Oklahoma would be willing to do With
out, but all OF which must be provided
for by taxation
The Republican papers would have
us believe thab the tax is very
griesous one. Let US suppose that a
farmer has farm valued for taxable
purposes at $4,000, and personal prop
erty at $500. This is above the av-
erage valuation Of the average farm
er. This will require six dollars and
seventy-five cents to pay his state tax.
The savings on his freight bills ana
passenger fare alone would probably
amount to several times this amount.
The state is annually saving to the
farmers many times its cost OF adj.
ministration.