Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-08-19

Man-You will II you git emmy!
Knicker-When he graduated he
thought he would save the State.
Bocker--And now he is trying to save
dollar week.
Your wife doesn't seem to care
much for that friend Of yours" mo;
he's the man l lay the blame on when
I'm detained downtown"
who's that homely girl you spoke
to?" "Sir, that lady has promised to
be my wife" Cheer up. Lots Of
women don't keep their promises"
Edtor-What are you writing? Re.
porter-A race with death. Editor
Say we call that race off and get ii
up in some other form this time.
1--WE moved to the country now,
and planted a garden" Anything
coming up?" Sure. My wife's family
is coming up to spend the summer"
she-Better join our picnic party.
He-What's the use, when | can more
easily enjoy warm lemonade and sand
wiches with ants on 'em in my back
yard?
Customer Cooking at electric fans
No, l don't believe | care for a
secondhand fan. Dealer (waving his
hands)-Vy? Ain secondhand air as
good as any?
Irth ny,6 w - y n yQ Il
When did l ever make a useless pur-
chase? Wife-Why, there's that fire
extinguisher you bought a year ago;
we've never used 1t once.
Il don't believe in hiding my light
under a bushel," remarked young Sap
leigh. You would be foolish to dc
so," rejoined Miss Slashem, when q
pint cup would more than hide It,"
Fond Mother-Tommy, darling. this
is your birthday! What would you
like to do? Tommy, Darling (after q
moments retlection)-I think l should
enjoy seeing the baby spanked.-Fi
garo.
It's hard to lose a beautiful
daughter" said the wedding guest
sympathetically It's a blamed sight
harder to lose the homely ones" re.
piled the old man who had several
yet to go.
Mean thing" exclaimed Mrs. New
lived; "its just brutal of you to call
it this stuff You said you'd be glad
If l baked my own bread" Eyes
dear" replied the brute "but didn't
say you should bake mine"
Critic Gas the composer plays his
last piece Very fine indeed But
what is that passage which makes the
cold chills run down the back? Com.
poser-That Is where the wanderer
has the hotel bill brought to him.
Fliegende Blaetter.
Mr.. udworthy-Rather clever fell
low, that young Dudelong, don't you
think? Miss Pewstules-I really could
not tell. He scarcely uttered a word
the whole time he was here. Mr.. Bud,
worthy-Sly dog. He knows when he
Is at his best-Puck.
How did you manage to see every,
thing in Rome inside Of two days."
We'll, you see, we got up early, my
wife went to the shops, my daughter
to the picture galleries, and | took In
the restaurants. In the evening we
compared notes. ."-Fliegende Batter.
Miss Passay-This gold dollar was
given to me by my grandfather when
| was christened. 1t vas just coined
shortly after my birth. See, it is dat.
ed 1880. Miss Sharpe-Yes, how con
siderate of them to have the coiner
date it so far ahead.-Philadelp
Press.
Towne-It's all we'll enough to talk
about forgiving our enemies, but, j.
tell you, it's a hard thing to do
what it is. We should
not be expected to forgive our enemies
except when they freely admit that
they don't deserve our forgiveness
Press
She Indignantly Why did you
fail to keep your appointment with
me yesterday? Helm awfully sorry,
but l was compelled to wait in a res
taurant until it was too late. She
Gcily)-Pardon me, but l thought
you had position in a bank. l wasn't
aware that you were a waiter.-Tit.
Bits.
Merchants Wife (suddenly appear
ing in her husbands office)-Ha, i
thought you said your typewriter girl
was an old maid? Merchant (much
fused)-Um-er, yes, m'dear, OF
course, of course; but she is sick to
day, and she sent her little grand
daughter as ubstitute.-Philadel
phia Record.
Epicure-Waiter. this steak is posi-
lively bad. 1t must be three weeks
old. Waiter-Ah. pardon. monsieur!
| have made ze meestake, and have
brought you ze venison. Epicurean-
venison? Oh, yes! Then you may
leave It, (Tastes it.) All! TO be sure,
It is venison; and very nice. too
very nice, indeed!-Town Topics.
Mrs. de Temper docking up from
the paper)-Well, l declare, Another
woman, single-handed, has captured
burglar. I should think she would have
been killed by the brute; but the pa.
pers say the moment she grabbed a
poker and made a dash for him. HE
knees trembled and his teeth shook. /