davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1909-12-30
Brain Control Forces,

'Right-handedness and speech in
relation to the Brain" was the title
of a lecture recently delivered by Prof
F. w Mott at the Royal Institution
in London Except in diseased con-
ditions," he said, there is little or
no difference in weight between the
two hemispheres of the brain. Though
the left hemisphere is concerned with
speech and dexterity, it does not re
ceive a larger supply of blood than
the right. 1t has been supposed that
the occurrence of the heavier organs
like the lungs and liver, on the right
side has determined certain mechani-
cal advantages which lead to right
handedness in SO per cent. of the
population. But this is disproved by
the fact that people in whom there
has been complete transposition of the
viscera have not been left-handed The
brain acts as whole in thought by
virtue of a bridge connecting the two
hemispheres.'
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1909-12-30
7ETE III An UNKIND MOOD
Floating Money That Meant So Much
to Shabby Woman Could
Not Be Hers.

On Fifth avenue at Fifty-eighth
81 ct yesterday morning was a wom-
- taking a stroll for her health, says
New York Sun. She wore a Paris
dress and rich furs Some distance
hekindW her was another woman shah
billy clad Out in the street was one
g those big policemen Of the traffic
luad
A-most alongside the curb some
hing that looked like green paper
was dancing about in the breeze It
caught the attention of the two wom-
CT and the policeman almost stimuli
tG1cously Each made in the direc-
ton Of it. ont the woman in the furs
got there first What she picked up
vas a bunch of five, ten and twenty
dollar bills. She called the police
man
Here, officer" she said, take this
to the station house and have it kept
until the owner calls for it,
The policeman took the bills and
f@5unted them. There was S125 in all
The shabbSly dressed woman, who
vas watching the proceedings, sighed
How I'd like to have had one Of
those bills" she said
It is supposed that the money was
lost by person who had just cashed
a check at the Plaza bank near by
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1909-12-30
TOAD EVIDENTLY A THINKER
Clever Maneuver by Which Batrach-
ian Fooled His Inveterate
Enemy, the Serpent.

The following snake story was told
some years ago by reputable citi-
zen of Arson county: Driving along
a public road one day he saw a toad
frog crossing the road at top speed
hitting only the high places and few
OF them. AS the frog disappeared in
the bosky underbrush on one side
black snake in hot pursuit made it's
appearance on the other. The story
teller followed the two into the bushes
TO see what the result would be. He
had proceeded only short distance
when he found the frog at bay. fac
ing the snake and with the latter Giro
ling about in the effort to make an
attack from the rear His frogship
kept turning all the time, always fac
ing the enemy.
The reason of this maneuver on the
snakes part was that the frog had in
its mouth, held crosswise and about
the middle, stick about the size and
length of lead pencil The frog knew
the snake could not swallow him so
long as he presented such a front.
The man watched the performance
for some time and when he left the
snake was still circling the frog and
the latter facing it's enemy on every
urn.-CharlotteVille Observer.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1909-12-30
GOT A LITTLE SATISFACTION
Editor, Unable to Collect Bill for Pa
per, Could Afford to Affront
the Widow.

To the editor of little Maine
newspaper there came the other day
an indignant elderly woman, who
waved bit of paper in the editorial
face.
Lookee here!" she said What
does this mean-a bill for the Citizen
to my husband that's been dead two
years? Ye don't expect his widow to
pay debts o his contracted long after
he's dead?"
You say he has not been getting
the paper?" said the editor after long
thought
mo, We donderhead!" screamed the
woman, Il tell We he's been dead two
years."
Strange" unused the editor. THE
postofsice department has not noti-
fed me of his failure to receive them.
C-lite sure you yourself haven't been
enjoying the estimable educational
values of a pn~.~2ssG' of my sheet?'
That amt che point" argued the
widow. You've been sending the
noospaper and bill to man that's
dead It's your affair, not mine,
We'll" said the editor finally. per-
ceiving that he must be a loser, "in
future, madam, l will cause an extra
copy to be printed on asbestos to in
sure that your husband receives his
Citizen regularly"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1909-12-30
Good EnnliSh Wnrd Is

We read the following sentence in
a letter given in evidence recently in
murder trial: 4 gave him a home
and done the best I could toward
learning him the English language, as
we are English speaking people"
There were some who laughed when
this sentence was read aloud Yet the
sentence is brave, sturdy one 7
done" smacks Of the soil. Il did has
less energy. Il done" is epic ITO
learn a person. was for years, begin
ming with 1900, good English. Caxton,
Coverdale, Bunyan, Fuller, Shake
speare, De Foe, Richardson used
learn" for teach" Nor did William
Morris in tSigurd" refrain from writ
ing: Thou hast learned me all my
skill"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1909-12-30
Meant to Do Mischief.

John NJ. Briggs, an Independent New
York ice dealer was SO ineensed that
he went hunting for Charles w. Morse
with a revolver, bent on killing the
ice king" on sight, according to
Briggs own testimony at the trial Of
the ice trust for violation of the Don
nelly anti-monopoly law before JUS
tee Wheeler in the supreme court.
You don't like Mr.. Morse?" asked
John B. Stanchfeld, counsel for the
trust. n.1
No. l do not"
'And it is true that you once threat
.ened to shoot him?"
well, was chasing after him with
a gun for two weeks once" was the
witness frank reply.
Briggs went on to say that in March,
1900, While he was engaged in the
ice business on the Hudson he had
gone to Morse, then president of the
Consolidated Ice Company, to com
plain of the breaking up of the indie
pendents' ice on the Hudson by trust
vessels.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1909-12-30
TROUBLES OF A HUMORIST
Professional Laugh-Maker Had tc
Have as Amanuensis a Man
of Wood.

Mark Twain once approached a
friend, a business man, and confded
the fact that gems of thought were
forming in his brain with such rapid
ity that they were even beginning to
sparkle in his eyes, and that he need
ed the assistance of a stenographer.
Il can send you one. fine young fell
low" the friend said. "He came to
my office yesterday in search of po-
sition, but I didn't have an opening. [
am sure you will find him all right
'Has he any sense of humor?" Mark
asked cautiously
ooh, I am sure he has-in fact, he
got off one or two pretty witty things
himself yesterday" the friend hast
ened to assure him
Sorry, bat he won't do, then" the
writer said, with a disappointed shake
of his head
why, er, why not?" was the sur
prised query.
The would-be employer assumed a
confidential air.
'1'll tell you" he said You see, |
had one once before with sense of
humor, and it interfered too much
with the work | can't afford to pay
a man 81 day for laughing"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1909-12-30
NOT IN LINE WITH PROGRESS
Professors Experience AptIy Illus
trates Difference Between Old
and New Worlds.

Prof. George Loeb Grinnell, the not
ed western etymologist, said in the
course of a recent address before a
congress of librarians in Wichita.
My recent English tour. has con-
WINGED me that we Americans write
better English and speak better Eng
lfsh than our friends overseas"
He smiled
Yes he said, I'VE excel the Eng
l1sh IN the use of the language as we
excel them in the use of plumbing.
| visited an old manor house in Der
byshire one day. that was for rent at
ridiculously low figure With it's
crumbling carved stone and it's black
oak paneling, the house was splendid.
| couldn't understand how, at so law
rental, it remained empty.
But as [ unused and wondered
amid all that oldworld beauty, the
caretaker led me to room under the
hall, He lifted up a board and said
with pride:
"And here's the cesspool It dates
back to the fifteenth century, sir -
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1909-12-30
MET ITS FATE ON THE HOOK
Escaped Goldfish Had Short Freedom
from the Natural Enemies Of
it's Tribe.

A young woman employed in ply
sician's office in West One hundred
and twenty-fifth street was told by the
doctor to change the water in the
aquarium in which he kept two gold
fish, says the New York Times. While
she was following the doctors or
ders one of the fish leaped out of the
bowl and went down the drain pipe
The young woman visited the bird
and fish stores in the neighborhood
and finally found fish that resem-
b1ed the one she had lost She bought
this and brought it back to the office
with her, but when she put it in the
bowl she discovered that the water
magnified the fish to twice it's normal
size
Finally she determined to take the
aquarium around to the fish store and
have the man match the fish for her
This was an easy task.
A friend of hers met her a few days
after and while relating some of his
experiences told her Of catch he had
made a few days before He said that
he was fishing in the Hudson from
one of the string pieces Suddenly
l felt little tug at my line I pulled
in gently and what do you think
saw on the hook? A little goldfish"
The physicians helper is sure 1T
was the lost fish.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1909-12-30
ViVe La Frying Par.


The frying pan will not be van
pushed by single blow It has it's
friends, and it has it's excellencies, and
they we'll resent this attack upon a
housewife favOrite. For to this uten-
sill we are indebted for the fried po-
tato, the apple turnover, the dough-
nut, the peach pierino, the cruller, and
the crisp bacon that lies sweetly in
it's gravy bed. A thousand hands will
be raised to defend it. The first smell
of old Virginia ham, savory as the
breath of the go@s, will tempt the most
abstemious dyspeptic that ever chewed
breakfast food. And there is one deli
cacy from which the world can never
be induced to part. From the earli-
times of the "dominicker" down to
these capon days it has been the joy
of mankind Whatever may be charg-
ed against it, whatever crimes of in
digestion and devastation may be laid
at it's door, let this be set down to it's
credit. Wherever the name Of chicken
is known, wherever good eating is
esteemed, wherever the delights of the
table appeal to the heart Of man, there
f1ourishes the triumph of the frying
pan-fried chicken la Maryland
Baltimore Sun.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1909-12-30
Eleven Lonesome Ships.

Today there are only eleven vessels
engaged in foreign trade that fly the
American flag, says the North Ameri-
can Review The American Line, be-
tween New York and Southampton,
has the st. Paul, st. Louis, Philadel-
phia and New York, the last two be-
ing British built The Great Northern
Steamship Company, operating be-
tween Seattle and the Orient, has the
Minnesota. The Pacific Mail Steam
ship Company has the China, Korea,
Siberia, Manchuria and Mongolia. The
international Mercantile Marine Com
pany Boston and Antwerp has the
Samland
These eleven vessels have a total
tonnage of 130,166 tons, England has
11,517 vessels with a tonnage of 49,
32O,6 and Germany has 1904 with a
total of 4,110,562 tons.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1909-12-30
Wants to Be Matched

One policeman stood on the corner
of Blank avenue and Dash street last
night. To him appeared a fiustered
Scotchman, speaking these words:
Are We a good police officer? Then
listen! My good wife runs board
ing house i tn next square We have
16 boarders and l keep dog. l give
v me word that Of Saturday NIGHT
tn dog is tn most respectable O. tn
lot. Wad We mind keepin' yer eye
on s?''-Cleyeland Leader.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1909-12-30
WARNED AGAINST IDLE LIFE
EngIishman Couples Words of Wis
dom with His Disposition of
Large Estate.

A striking appeal to rich young mer
not to allow their wealth to temps
them into habits of loafng and idle
/ ness is made by the late Lieut.. Col
Edward Tufnell in his will, dfsposins
of an estate valued at e343, 624 gross
and net personality e103,1 99.
/ Col. Tufnel1, who had residences liz
Eaton square, at the Grove, Wimble
don park and Crowhursc park, Sussex
was unionist NJ. P for Southeast Sus
sex from 1900 to 1906, and was for
merly member of the kings body.
guard
The appeal against loafing is made
in the following remarkable clause in
his will:
I desire to bring home to the minds
of my sons, and of each and every
young man who may hereafter take
benefit in my property under this my
will, how strongly I hold to the view
that every man should, during some
substantial portion of his life, have
some definite occupation, and lead a
useful life, and should not suffer
wealth or any accession of wealth or
other temptation to tempt him into
fdleness, and mere loafing and use
less existence.
I might have so framed this my
will as to have made idleness operate
to forfeit the interests hereby con-
terred on my sons or other young men
IN my property, but I foresee that
such provision might, in certain
cases, work hardships, and l prefer to
hope and to trust, as I do, that no
son OF mine and no other young man
who may under this my will succeed
to the enjoyment of any property of
mine, will SO disregard my views here
In expressed as to lead the life | so
strongly deprecate."
Col Tufnell himself always led
strenuous life. He saw active ser
vice in the Nile expedition of 1884-5.
when serving in the Eighteenth Royal
Irish egiment.-London Express.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1909-12-30
SCIENTISTS TELL US LITTLE
Men OF Learning Are But Theorists
When They Come to Face the
Facts of Life.

That a great part of the body be-
sides the bones is really dead in a
healthy, living man is the verdict of
science. Even the blood, which has
always beSn called 1.-The life" is only
alive as to its corpuscIes. These swim
in the liquid known as the plasma,
which is not alive and can be replaced
by serum that may have been stand
ing in a druggists bottle for six
months. With the hair, teeth, bones
and blood plasma are to be classed
the LYMPH the chyle, the fluids in the
pleura, pericardium, peritoneum and
even the cerebro-spinaI fiuid-the fluid
part of the brain and spinal column
None of the gases and fluids in the
body are more alive than the lime of
the bones. This leaves us the cells
as the only living part, and these are
dying and being replaced by the mil
lion every hour
From all of which facts it is argued
by certain scientists that life is no
more real than death and that the
only difference between life and death
is state of the protoplasm or con-
tents of the cell. AS long as the cell
is alive it retains and controls the
chemical substances which constitute
prOtOplasm. But as soon as it is really
dead, the control is lacking and the
cell breaks up.
This still leaves us much in the
dark as to what is life.-Exchange
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1909-12-30
MADNESS THAT HAD METHOD
Simple Subterfuoe of Actor Found for
Him a Needed Haven of
Refuge.

A theatrical manager had a stock
company at Los Angeles. Business
was bad and no money coming in. He
hadn't paid a salary fsr months, and
had managed to keep his company to-
gether by advertising in San Francis
co and elsewhere holding out all sorts
of promises.
The actors came, stayed until all
their money was gone, and then left.
The manager made shift to keep his
thespians contented by taking them
on little excursions about the city
when they were not working. One
day he announced: This afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen, we shall visit
the insane asylum, a most interesting
place"
They went and were shown through.
Seated under a tree in the garden was
a man who, over and over again, was
counting his fingers and muttering:
"Eeny-meeny -miny-moe- eeny -
meeny-miny-mo
Who is this?" said the manager.
Strange case" said the attendant.
round him IN the street few weeks
ago. He sits there all day and does
that Harmless, but apparently insane.
We are giving him the best of atten-
ton In the hope that his reason may
be restored"
The manager looked at the count
er closely: BLESS my soul" said the
manager. ut resembles my former
leading man, Simpson,
The man kept counting his fingers.
Really" said the manager, 1T is
a most extraordinary resemblance"
Meantime the other actors and ac-
tresses and the attendant had gone on.
Tell nse, my good fellow" said the
manager, ARE you not Simpson. the
actor?"
Cheese it," said the man who was
counting his fingers. IF they don't
get on to me l can stay here all sum
mer.,-Saturday Evening Post
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1909-12-30
The Duty of Rest and PIau

Rest is just as much necessity Of
life as Work is. In the face of the
popular theory which supposes that
work in itself is respectable unless it
is proved to be wrong and that rest
in itself is suspicious-that it must
prove itself to be right: in the face of
this popular theory, which is the the
DRY OF the spelling books, Of careless
talk and unframed consciences,
must remind you that Work and
Rest have each it's own place, and
that neither must step beyond that
place. In it's right place and proper
ton Rest is as dignifed, as creditable,
as Work is.-Edward Everett Hale.
1857.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1909-12-30
The Annetite of Eskimos.

Harry Whitney, who spent year
shooting within the Attic Circle, gives
an idea in an article in Outing for De-
cember of what an Eskimo can do at
table when he tries. He says:
Z shall never forget the feast that
those Eskimos had when we next
halted | made a careful note of what
the six men consumed within three
hours-seyen hares, one seal, about
a bucketful of dried walrus meat pre-
pared by Dr. Cook for dog food while
at Annootok and two large cups of
tea and four biscuits a man. A good
part Of the seal and all the hare meat
they ate raw, like hungry dogs"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1909-12-30
Prizes for Peasants.

The hiIIy territory of Trieste, Italy,
it is stated, in a consular report on
that district, is covered by pointed
stones which prevent any cultivation,
and some years ago the Society Agra
ria offered prizes for those who would
remove them and thus change the
waste ground to meadows. The work
has now been going on for some years
and every autumn a commission as
certains the area of the proposed re
demption and the difficulties to be en-
countered and fixes the prize to be
given In spring it again visits the
improved grounds and pays the prizes
If deserved. This year in the different
parishes sixty-six peasants improved
forty-four acres and received $1O40.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1909-12-30
A London Problem.

They are dealing with a psychologist
cal problem in London that is not on
the cards. The problem" is nothing
less than little baby boy in the
Wickham Workhouse, a scrap of a
child only two years and four months
old, who no sooner has to make
any serious remark than he rolls forth
such string of unmitigated billings
gate that he petrifes all who hear
him. He is described as a beautiful
child with dark, soulful eyes, soft fair
hair, chubby limbs and the face of an
angel. At ordinary times hs is the
best of boys, but does anything upset
his equanimity he brings into play
such a volume Of foul language that
ne quite contaminates the infant ward
Where the baby learned to curse and
swear is the question. It has been so
far mystery, as his antecedents are
unknown, and his age so tender his
comprehension of the forms of Ian
guage might well be of the slightest.
but such does not appear to be the
case. This little workhouse baby evil
IDENTITY knows what he is talking about.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1909-12-30
A Professor Goes Wronn.

A college professor lately said that
no new pleasure had been discovered
in modern days. Is not the reading
of the morning paper a pleasure they
did not have in Greece and Rome? Is
not the knowledge that we are not in
Ignorance of any important event
throughout the world for the last "a
hours a pleasure as we'll as a gain?
Is it no pleasure to pass comfortably
and within short time from Europe
to America and from New York to
San Francisco? Is there no gain and
qualification in the fact that the ut
termost ends of civilization are brought
under observation within the limits
OF a summers holiday with little
risk of life and limbs? Is it moth
ing that even the man of one language
can now command the profit of all the
literature of all times and of all peo-
pies? Shall not that professor revise
his language?
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1909-12-30
"Vain" Fritz as Workman.

"Eitel," which is an old family name
among the Hohenzollerns, means
vain" consequently it attracted an
unusual amount of attention when
Prince Eitel Fritz adopted unusual
methods lately to decrease his weight.
It did not seem to anybody else that
the prince was taking on enough flesh
to prove unbecoming, but it did not ac-
cord with his own idea of a proper
military figure, and he went to his
summer residence near Charlotten-
burg and lived the life of an ordinary
out of door laborer. He stayed several
weeks and worked all day at garden
ing, tree telling, and carpentering,
wearing a workman's clothes. He also
helped in the construction of a new
riding school The princess became so
interested in the cure that one day
when she stopped to watch some ma
sons in the construction of a clock
work fauntain in connection with the
new building she became SO interested
that she set to work with hammer and
trowel and worked for nearly an hour.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1909-12-30
His Little Deal.

'Ha, hal" exclaimed the boarder.
tYou actually bought a gold brick?"
yes" answered the farmer, as he
took the specimen tenderly and laid
it on the mantelshelf "All the city
folks that came here expected to see
one. 1t seemed like they wouldn't be-
lieve | was a regular farmer unless
could show a gold brick So when I
went to town and this was offered me
l give the fellow 500 in confederate
money and a Canada quarter, which is
cheaper than / could have made one
myself"