davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-06

2MV

tional capital who recently acquired by
purchase a perfectly good automobila
1t IS not a hoodoo machine. 1t has no
bad record. 1t never ran away and II
never drinks too much gasoline. But
the poetaster suspects 1t. Never since
he bought it has he let it out. Never
has he thrown in the clutch tickled
the gas-check under the chin and set
tied back for a real sure enough spin
Whenever he operates the machin..
which is infrequently as may be. he just
leases the machine, keeping tight hold
of the clutch all the time.
Tother evening he was coming down
town running his machine at the usual
rate of a mile an hour. when a friend
yelled at him from the back of street
car. derisively. Look out; you've got
a hot box"
Next day the friend asked the eau :.
tious person why he hadn't RESPONDED
to the Salutation
"Oh, was it you yelled at me-" the
cautious one replied. Were you jok
ing? I got out and looked all over that
machine and couldn't find anything .hr
matter. I've only got one box on the
thing. and that's where / keep my tools
and that wasn't on fire When / looked
under 1t. there was nothing the matter
that I could see. I wish you wo-
And just think OF it, He's news.
paper man, too
IRVING C. NORWOOD.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-06

all over the world to see. and yet, in
stead Of going to see these institutions
ourselves, why. we go mooching into the
moving picture shows, where we see rep
reservations of street scenes in Naples
and all that sort of rot, when we've got
things to be seen right here that make
Naples look worse than they tell me 1t
SMELLS
I'VE don't go about very much in Wash
ington, that's the truth encouragingly
put In Mrs. Jobscn.
well, we haven't been. but we're
going to, that's what we're going to do.
raped in Mr.. Jobson with an air of de-
cisior as he got up from his chair and
began to stride up and down the room.
Were going to have q peek at Wash
ington. Immediately. If not sooner. that's
what. Now. femme see: Take the Con-
gressional Library. I've been In that
magnificent dump just once. Think of
that-just once! Went up there, out of
a sort of sense of duty. soon after it was
completed. and ratified around in there for
a little while, just to say that I'd seen it.
and nary a foot have 1 put in it since.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-06

Chap here in a hotel interview in The
Star paper" went on Mr.. Jobson. caiis
attention to the fact that outsiders, 1oiKs
who live a long distance from here. are
a heap more interested In the sights and
beauties Of Washington than the Wash
ingtonians themselves. And he's got that
dead right. at that
Mrs. Jobson mumbled something ever
her embroidery.
He says" Mr.. Jobson hreezed along.
that Washingtonians don't appear to
have any knowledge or appreciation
whatever of the magnif1cence OF the city
used to the sight Of the classic structures
and the parks and the general loneliness
that surrounds them on all sides, and
come to take the whole business quite
TO say that in visiting Washington's
scores of points Of interest and beauty
the Library. National Museum. Corcoran
Gallery of Art. and so on-he found that
all Of his fellow visitors without q single
exception, at each and all of the places,
places; and nary Washingtonian In any
Of the groups of sightseers. Kind O.
queer. that, don't you think? But
mighty true. all the same: It's thing
I've always noticed myself
But" ventured Mrs. Jobson. solely for
the sake Of inserting word, isn't 1t
true that the people of all cities become
used to the sights of their cities. so
that"
"Oh. that's all right about other cities"
struck in Mr.. Jobson. oraculariy. we
don't happen to be talking about other
cities at this present moment. however.
Anyhow. this is the city Of cities, as far
as the United States Is concerned. There's
something to see here. What's there to
see in New York? Why, a long, mo-
notonous street called Broadway. the tops
Of the buildings Uttered up with electrical
corset and whisky ads. and lot Of chorus
girls and bookmakers' lobster joints scat
tered along the line of march. What are
you going to see in Chicago? The stock
yards? Well. you're welcome to that
kind of seeing. What are you going to
have peek at In Philadelphia? The
statue of william Penn on top of the
public building? Not much nourishment
in that This is the town, Washington.
where there sure are points of interest
and beauty, and yet it's exactly as this
chap says: None of us that live here ever
seems to think of going around and hav-
ing a good square look at all of the fine
things scattered around in front of cur
very eyes. It's reserved for the rank out
siderS, the folks who come romping in
here on excursion tickets, to cover the
whole blooming burg. from one end to
the other, and see the whole works, and
they see what they see intelligently and
earnestly. too. and have something to talk
about when they get home. It's a shame,
that's what it is, how We Washingtonians
neglect our city. We're perfect dolts,
that's what we are. Why. they've got
institutions here that people come from
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-06

Now, isn't that disgraceful? Man living
right within sight almost Of the Library
of Congress, where there are the most
magnificent mural decorations in the
world. and never going near it except
Just once, when it still smelt Of paint
Why. call that shameful. that's what
/ call it,
"It is well worth seeing, the library,
put in Mrs. Jobson, not breaking any
buttons or anything, however, in her en-
thusiasm.
Worth seeing, madam spouted Mr..
Jobson. ''Why, it's one Of the wonders
Of the world! Then take the National
Museum. Are you aware of the fact
that the National Museum is one of the
very finest establishments of It's kind on
the whole civilized globe? Well. femme
see again: have not set foot within the
National Museum for nearly twenty
years, and neither have you. and the
same goes for the Smithsonian Institu-
ton. right alongside of the National
Museum. Why. it's scandalous. this
neglect, that's what it is! No wonder
that some of the energetic visitors who
come to Washington, keen with enthusi-
asm over Washfngton's beauties. call us
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-06

the pizen when there was quick foot
step back OF US.
I'VE turned almost instantly, but before
we turned we knew by the look on Nat
Farron's face that the man he'd been
waiting for was there.
X X
when we wheeled around the man
that we saw was tall. rather gaunt.
broad-shouldered man with sunburnt yell
low hair and a sunbronzed countenance
distored with hate. His lips were drawn
away from his teeth, like an angry
dogs, as he said to Nat Farron, who
stood there back of the bar regarding
him calmly:
"'Now I'm going to put it on you.
hombrey.'
90 K.-wait till I serve these strang-
ers their drinks was F'arrcn's perfectly
calm reDly
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-06

has souIfully mourned aloud the passing
Of the mule, and scored, with rounded
periods, the entry of the bubble on the
scene.
There are some folks in Washington
who are too prone to criticise Mr.. Sims
for his aversion to motor cars. They hold
II against him that he was instrumental
in framing and passing the automobile
law at present on our local statute books.
They remember that the law is not now
as rigid as he would have liked It, They
shudder when they think that. II Mr..
Sims had had his way. every chauffeur.
amateur and otherwise. would be COM
PEELED to lead his machine around corners.
The apparatus isn't yet made that can so
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-06

high quarters concerning the dreadful
Limitations" put upon the service and
the aid extended to criminals by the
Congress of the United States, that the
chief of that service. Mr.. Wilkie. should
have appeared before the House appro-
priations committee and said that
The service has not been hampered IN
any material way.
That several outside cases have been
handled by the secret service despite
the Limitation.
That of sixty-f1ve men employed by
the secret service at the time of the
passage Of the limitation fifty-six are
still on the rolls.
That the other nine were Immediately
employed by the Department of Jus
tice.
That not a man has been disconnected
from the secret service of the govern
ment as q result Of that provision Of
limitation.
But what's the use. Members OF
Congress are convinced, after hearing
or reading Mr.. Wilkes testimony. thai
they are the grandest set of original
and involuntary goats on the American
market today. AS such they are some
what resigned and are prepared to
warm their hoofs and horns.
~ HERE is an eminent and distin-
! guished poetaster in this Ma
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-06
FROM THE TOWN WHICH IS "DIFFERENT"

the visit to a sure-enough American city
immensely.
This Binns is the modestest hero person
/ ever met, and in the progress of much
idle jumping up and down I've met lot
OF 'em. There isn't 10 cents worth of
bose or brar OF attudinize in the fellow
He is sick and tined Of the subject of his
doings on board the Republic. and curls
up like a caterpillar before crate fire
when the thing is mentioned to him.
It's fine. and all that. to be made
over" he told me, but I'd rather have
done something to deserve it. 1 feel like
fool when I get all of this hand over
actually nothing at all. What the deuce
was 1 going to do when my ship got into
trouble? Sit with my hands in my lap
and twiddle my thumbs? We got into a
mess 1 was some concerned in the mess
myself. wasn't L? 1 mean that 1 felt,
naturally enough, didn't I, that 1t might
be a pretty good thing IL 1 myself man
aged to get off that wreck? I'm not say
ing that l had that entirely In mind
But was L going to remain corked of
on my bunk with my ship Keeling around
with a hole in her side big enough to
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-06

WE used to inquire. with wIstful itera-
/" alton, why fat women would insist
upon wearing princess gowns.
Now we rise to ask, with even moro
usefulness, why pudgy women will in
sist upon wearing directoire gowns?
During the tea hour at the Plaza the
other afternoon-which is some function
for the dressy ones. believe mel saw no
less than nineteen markedly, patiently,
manifestly fat. p-h-a-t, fat. women wear
Ing close-ftting directore gowns. OF
course. they were close fitting. That's
what made 1t all the worse.
Thus diked. the fat women in the direc-
toire gowns looked like those old-fash-
toned brick smokehouses.
1t used to be supposed that fat folks
possessed the sense OF humor. But how
can a fat woman possess q sense Of
humor and exhibit herself In directoire
gown at the same time?
However. maybe they've got to. Any
how. the department stores Of New York
are all but giving away. just now, every
one of their wcmen's suits that are not
of the directoire style.
The edict is out that the directoire
gown is going to be the whole thing.
not only lot the IadolStS ana the folks
who are able to have all kinds of changes
of toys. but for all living women during
the coming year. They're saying that the
woman who appears in anything other
than a directoire gown soon will look as
queer and funny as If she were wear
ing crinoline of the ante-bellum period.
I should think the fat women would be
taking this to heart. but they are not.
fnS
Maybe we shall become used to fat
women in directoire gowns in time.
Maybe.
CLARENCE L. CULLEN
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-06

would come off with my own eyes-eye,
rather.
NAT Farron, behind the bar, saw in
the Comedian and I. had boIted for 1t.
Instantly he let go of the bottle and
glasses and picked up the huge pistol that
was lying right to his hand alongside
the money till. Then he turned to his
brother-in-law, who was backing toward
the door as he raised his gun to fire.
They happened to both raise their
guns at the same instant, and. like old
stagers at the game. they both fired on
the drop. That is. they both pulled the
trigger on the drop. Nat Farroh's gun.
however, was the only one of the two
that went of. The other mans gun ham
mer came down with metallic ping-g-g
that clearly showed that his cartridge
had missed fire.
Then the big handsome man with the
barkeepers apron on stepped around the
end of the bar. after firing that first shot,
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-06
MRS. )oBsoNs "DoPE" WORKS OUT RIGHT

a dopy lot down here. Then, there's
the Corcoran Gallery OF Art-are you
aware of the fact that we haven't seen
the pictures of the Corcoran Gallery OF
Art since they were moved into the new
building-since they were housed In the
old brick building at the corner OF lIth
street and the avenue? Well, that's a
fine showing for folks that have spent
nearly all their entire lives in Wash
ington. now isn't 1t? And yet. there are
sensible level-headed. cultured folks COM
ing here from all points of the compass
many of them living in the little towns.
but cultivated people all the same-just
to see these things that we pass by every
day Of our lives without hardly looking
at them
That's right" feebly murmured Mrs.
Jobson, for she correctly surmised that
something was coming.
well. that's all going to be changed
so far as the Jobson outfit is concerned.
that's ALL" went on Mr.. Jobson in his
best that-settles-it manner. Were
going to do little sightseeing ourselves
from this time on, beginning tomorrow.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-06

and very deliberately fired again on the
drop. At the same instant, again, his
brother-in-law pulled the trigger. and
again followed that metallic ping-g-g. tina,
showed his gun wasn't in working order
or that his cartridges were insists, OF
something of that sort.
Il hadn't, as l say, seen any killings
before, but I knew that the brother-in-
laws gun wasn't doing its work. Know
ing this, l kept that one eye of mine
on the face of the man who had come to
the saloon to kill.
well. it sure was painful to see the
expression of surprise. of utter dis
quietude. that appeared on his face when
he found, after that second shot, that his
gun was refusing duty on him. He
was wondering, probably, whether it was
a jamraed cartridge. or If he'd forgotten
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-06

HE actually turned his back upon his
enemy-who already had a big pistol in
his hand-to pick up bottle and glasses
with which to serve us. 1t was a move
ment, as one couldn't help but think,
reekinS with contempt.
Naturally enough, considering, my
companion trouper and I didn't happen
to be just exactly thirsty in the circum-
stances. AS a matter of fact, we made
two jumps for 1t. as soon as we heard
Stimson's words for the shelter of a big
old-fashioned refrigerator that stood at
the end Of the bar. We darted behind
that. and I poked one eye from behind
the refrigerator in order to view the pro-
ceedings. I'd often read and heard &C
counts of affairs of that sort, but I'd
always supposed them to be exaggerated;
and so / wanted to see how the thing
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-06

ed was imminent enough to get us going.
However. about two hours after get
ing that tip. the comedian and I felt like
a drop or two of the native nosepaint,
and we dropped over to Nat Farrons.
Taking the law of chances as the basis,
we figured that if there was going to be
any shooting 1t wasn't liable to happen
just while we were in the act of refresh
ing ourselves with drink or two.
Moreover, we were sort of curious to see
how a man would look who. as we had
been told, was just sort of waiting around
for a brother-in-law to stroll in and kill
him.
Nat, he looked calm enough. He was
big, heavy man, with an oddly good red
and white color considering the bronzing
winds Of that country. AS a matter OF
fact, Nat was a remarkably handsome
man, who didn't appear to know 1t. Nor
was he any self-conscious. He was Just
sitting behind his bar. with clean white
apron on. all alone, and reading a paper,
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-06

when the comedian and l nooched in.
He'd sent his barkeep away for a spell
when he'd got that notice from his broth
er-in-law that there was going to be
some shooting. not caring to let the bar
keep in for any stray lead that might
be flying loose when the thing came of.
Nor did Nat Farron hop to his feet
like a man in any state of alarm what
ever when we walked in. He just
glanced up suddenly and keenly from
his newspaper But, all the same, there
was something In the expression of his
eve that made him look like a man who
might be ready for almost anything in
the shape of bother when that same
swung along his way.
Nat got up and rested his hands on
the bar and asked us what we were going
TO insert into ourselves. Wed just named
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-06

shove a harbor tug through? Of course,
jabbed away at the old key for a couple
of days running, but that's part Of the
game, too. Any fellow would have done
that.
Now, I've been in or around a lot of
messes at sea and elsewhere-the Mar
Unique eruption. the Kingston earth
quake, the Sicily earthquake, and SO on.
But II these facts keep on floating around
the first thing / know the deep sea folks
will be taking me for a natural born
hoodoo, and I'll be having the devil 8
own time getting a ship. It's fine and
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-06

then you've ploughed through many
muddied mazes. and when you finished
those critiques probably you were feeling
tentatively of your head and wondering
whether the critics were craz.' or your
self.
If you haven't read them, then you have
a little store of vitality left tt It will
enable you to listen unto the opinion OF
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-06

Z RIENDS of Representative Cushman of
! Washington are wondering whether
that distinguished gentleman intends to
be real friendly with President Taft after
March 4. OF course they are differnt
and all that, Mr.. Taft resembling a sofa
cushion while Mr.. Cushman Stimulates
an antique hat rack. But they are both
all right in the head.
But Mr.. Taft got In bad with Mr.. Cush-
man out on the Pacific coast some years
ago, and they do say that the latter
weeps about the occurrence at intervals
even to this day. Mr.. Cushman and Mr..
Taft came together at some kind of an
official function and fellow townspan
Of the elongated person from the Wash
ington state wa ssaying some nice things
about him.
out here. Mr.. Taft" said the compli-
mentary one: I'VE think the world and
all Of, Mr.. Cushman. We call him, as
an evidence Of this feeling. the Abra-
ham Lincoln of the coast Don't You
think that the resemblance Is striking"
Mr.. Taft Inspected Mr.. Cushman with
care. 1t might have been the first time
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-06
NEW YORK, February 5, 1909.

II CYL doi rs icOcs
OU'VE read-yes.
no?-the critiques
Of the de Kovens,
the Hunkers, the
Hendersons. t h q
Krehbels, on the
peri for nance of
Strauss "Salcme"
at the Manhattan
Opera House?
Very well. yes
and no. If you
have read them
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-06

w A S II l NGTON
man who used TO be
a kind of an actor
that's the way he
himself expresses
1t, kind Of an ac-
tor" but W h o ,
having rep e n t e d
him of his actorial
sins, now is what
Is called a settled
man" - w h / C h
means that he's
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-06

ELL. this fellows
got it right. all
right, too" COM
mented Mr.. Jobson,
lowering his paper.
Mrs. J o b 8 o ms
method of reply
ing to these OBJ
servations of Mr..
Jobson's is to look
up ind vi r / ngly
from her fancy
work. She did so.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-06
H E T U 8 WILL.


rette Sims of Ten
nessee upreared his
poisoning bulk in
the House OF Rep
r e s e n tatives the
other day and de-
livered himself Of
an opinion of auto
mobiles and auto
mobilists. 1t isn't
by any means the
first time that he
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-06

A WEEK or SO ago told OF this little
"a slip Of paper in the corner of the
mirror that covers one side OF the room
of the House committee on appropriations.
of the constantly decreasing number on
that slip. and of what 1t meant. There's
another exhibit on the glass now which
serves as sort of an unofficial explanation
Of the last days Of My Policies" slip.
Here is the document:
Look in this glass and ere you turn away
Consult this number here from day to day.
1t shows, in fashion brief. in manner curt.
The leaden passing OF these days that hurt
IT says each morn, as writ in red or blue.
You'll soon be through with hm-and he with
you"
And though the minutes seem like dragging days.
Each nears-oh. sweetest thought-the parting
ways.
When we will speed him from the haunts Of men,
With Heaven bless you till we meet again,''
But softly murmur, a. we give our ribs prod,
"A peevish lion 10 the noblest work Of God"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-06

p ECENTLY I met up with a despairing
~ hotel manager. The hotel he man.
ages is one Of the most luxurious cara
vansaries In the Tenderloin. The rea-
son why he was despairing was because
there'd been no less than nine suicides In
his hotel within the space Of less than
two months.
Which, commented the hotel man.
ager dismally, II view as being more
than my share. Now. understand me.
I'm perfectly willing to take care of my
pro rata share of the suicides. 1 don't
mind furnishing them the proper facili
ties for removing themselves from this
sublunary sphere-my share of 'em, 1
mean. But nine In less than two months
chief mourner. Presently the gay young
men of the press will be loosely abiding
to my house as the Hotel de Suicide. and
then I can see my finish.
Now. what we need in this man IS
town." went on the gloomy hotel man
ager, sis a regular hotel for suicides.
It's a crying need, for that matter.
Ought to be regular place where folks
with the seIf-removing bug could walk
in, register, select tl1e kind Of room or
rooms tney want, go upstairs ana write
a whole lot Of letters, and then Just do
1t. There should be all sorts of facilities
provided for their doing it, too. In
registering, each guest should be asked
by the clerk what particular method he
most prefers for making the tour over
the Big Divide. Then he should be
furnished the necessary apparatus-gun.
rope soothing but eff1cacious suicide
dopes, gas tubes and that sort Of thing.
An undertaking establishment could be
attached to such house on the ground
floor and, perhaps in the course of time,
a crematory in the lower basement.
''TIl bet that every hotel man In New
York would be agreeable to chip in for
the founding Of such a Hotel Euthanasia.
/ know I would. AS 1t is now I've got
into the habit of sizing up everybody
that registers at my house, trying to
study out If they look as If they're going
to cash in before they've gone to bed to
think 1t over. l hate to be peevish and
things, but I sure do feel that I'm being
died upon too often, honest do"
COONER or later every old thing, es-
- pecially every coed thing, peters out
in New York
Remember that jollification the New
York papers had couple Of months ago
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-06

In his Sunday pants.
Ever since then Mr.. Sims has been
dead against the automobile. Sunday
pants do not grow on trees in fair Lin
den, Tenn.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-06

ISN'T it amusing, though. that after
all the racket about the poor Sc
cret service, the bowls Of distress from
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-02-06

he had seen that gentleman. Yes" he
said at length in a pleased, admiring
sort of way. the resemblance is striking
in the legs