davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1909-08-28

inclosure at EPSON Downs. and that
she'd seen Mrs. George keppel there.
and So on. Yes, she positively did! L
couldn't help for the life of me but ask
her il the bobby who put her out of the
royal inclosure after the minute or so
had been very rude about it, but she pre-
tended to take that as great joke.
which Is her little way of turning oil
things that she doesn't like to hear, you
know.
Are you acquainted with that Mrs.
Feathersky? Well. she was in here to
see me few days ago, too, with long.
queer story OF how she had been spend
ing several months at the Italian lakes.
and she had the funniest collection of
junky-looking earrings and bracelets and
things on her, and what in the wide
world do you suppose she tried to tell
me about the brassy looking. cheapy-
weapy stuff? Why. she said-now don't
laugh-that she'd bought the stuff from
one OF the Italian royal princesseS! Here
! am telling you not to laugh, but, actu-
ally 1 myself had to laugh right out loud
i'm the woman's face, it was so perfectly
absurd.
''She said, you know, that this Italian
royal princess had charge of a jewelry
booth at a charity fair somewhere on
Lake Observation-Disclosures, is it? That S
what / said-Lake Maggiore-and that
that was how she came to buy the hid
eous assortment of trinkets from the
princess. Of course, she made that UP
Evening star., 1909-08-28

'Captain,' said he, after the usual
bows and salutes had been exchanged. I
am Mai. Boyd Taylor; 1 should say Mai.
and Paymaster Boyd Taylor OF the Ma
tional Guard Of the District OF Columbia.
Have you a specie room on this boat-er-
vessel-er-ship?"
Certainly. SIR replied the captain OF
the transport, saluting three times IN
rapid succession. If. you will do me the
honor to accompany me will show you.
II am happy to hear that you have a
specie roon," quoth Maj. Taylor, as the
two descended the stairs. or whatever
they're called in boat, ''as I wish to feel
safe and at ease concerning the large
sums intrusted to my care. IL is great
responsibility. captain. a great responsl,
bilty' Whereupon Mai. Taylor banged
his sword against the stair rail- ana
breathed heavily through his nose.
Way down somewhere In the bowers OF
the shin the transport captain stopped
before a massive steel-barred door After
fiddling with six combinations, unlocking
eight commandments and pestering with
time contraption the captain threw open
the entrance to a massive vault capabie
of holding the national debt OF Russia
Twas a bigger vault than that OF the
average national bank.
'Wlil that do, sir?' the transport cap
tain inquired.
Maj. Taylor was entranced. He sazed
into the gloomy depths OF the vault and
threw out his chest
Admirably. captain" said he. most
Evening star., 1909-08-28

,be beach at Cape Nav last Sunday ans
looked things over. X was "A little ~
before the regular bathing hour, ohlN
q few groups OF middle aged females n
knee-length bathing suits We're our. bu'
even these excited the attention OF TIE
nair from the inland town.
.How can a woman show her lfi'S
that way John?" the elderly lady ~
ouired. and John hadn't the answer -
hand. He didn't look yet upon the SUI
iect however Then more folks tuIu
"a ONT ready for dip. and hnshH '"e
old ,adv gave a gasp and her face turhz
ed red - 80. :.
And John looked and kept on ioosl's
Of course twas nothing but resl @ @nuiN
run7es Of the beach. with oa'hiu :
suit OF scarlet, skirt about SIX fach'o
long silk stockings. tights. fancy EatlPl J
and such. That was the first OF about
thousand of the same variety that tuiH-
Cd ont in tie next half hour. the eldei
IL connie took ii all in, MirandN. or "hd'
ever her name was, scandalized neNohh
measure. John mighty intent hit no,
communicative They were looking ~
some real we'll known people. ZOO hnl
they didn't know il. Finally the OLD la"N
turned TO her husband and remarked IN
speculative sort of way. John, | wonder
now if any of them people Is respecta-
ble?" lRSING u Nof."ooD'
Evening star., 1909-08-28

of the boys Of getting on the police
force or the fire department by subject.
ing them to any sort of punishment that
would make them misdemeanants.
Mr.. Shakespeare never overdrew any
body or anything. But there have been
funner magistrates since his day than
ever existed in his epoch. and II you
don't believe that you ought TO iiVe III
liz OF N'yawk for a while.
A LOT OF shocked ladies are writing In
"A dignant letters to the newspapers
about the anti-connubial tone of a whole
lot Of the most popular songs OF the day.
and some Of the ladies even propose that
{, censorship be officially established on
the songs Of the sort against which they
protest.
Although, of course. there isn't chance
on earth that their protests or their
proposition as censorship on songs
will have the least effect, yet there Is
nevertheless not a little meat in their
argument 4 lot of the songs that are
being chanted and hummed and howled
everywhere in New York these days un-
doubtedly have the effect of me king the
matrimonial business look ridiculous.
especially in the view or the young anu
impressionable.
You can't walk ten steps in New York
for example, without hearing the refrain
of that "I Love My Wife, But On, You
Kid. song. II that ditty isn't especially
calculated to cause the youth OF the toWr
to regard matrimonial bliss as more OF
less of a joke and to look upon the at
fnity proposition as something not only
excusable, but an affair of general prac
1ice and vogue the present writer doesn
know what else It can be.
Then there are a whole lot OF song
being yowled around town, taken mos
OF them from the roof garden shows
that make a deliberate jest Of the rela
tionship which is at least supposed to ex
ist between married folk. One of them
I'm So Lo-ho-honesome!" is song tina
IS chanted with many would-be meaningfu
winks on the side. indicating that the al
legged lonesome man whose wife is ava
is in a state of happiness bordering upo
delirium over the fact that he has man
aged to shunt the spouse of his bosom
out of town.
The song about the man whose VII
has gone to the country-"Hooray, hoo
rayv'-is another one against which IN
sedate and shocked ladies are saying a
sorts of unfriendly things. They do no
exhibit any very keen sense of humor, J
is true in their way OF presenting thei
argument, for they proceed 10 say, eA
pansively In their letters to the paper
that 1T really is dreadful to suppose ina
any man should really want to have nj
wife away from him during the summe
or at any other time; yet the thousntlu
Evening star., 1909-08-28
Marvellous SpectroSCope.

THE new minister to China. Charles !;
Crane Of elevator renoWn, was once
discussing with Chicago reporter new
elevator invention.
That invention" said Mr.. Crane. smil-
ing "is very wonderful. But I'm afraid
it's like the telephone spectroscope."
How So sir?" the reporter inquired.
We'll" said Mr.. Crane. there We're two
friends, Blank and Dash Blank was
rather gullible. Dash called him UP one
day and said.
:. Hello, old man. You're looking well.
These telephone spectroscopcs are fine
things, aren't they?'
Telephone spectroscopeSE What are
you giving us?' said Blank. suspiciously,
Why, it's the latest thing, said Dash.
"A round mirror-like disk in front of the
phone You see the person you're talking
to. just as see you now
"'Just as you see me? Rubbish! DO
you mean to say you've got one on your
phone?' sneered Blank.
Sure, old man. And / see you plain
in it
".Oh. you do. eh? Well. what am !
doing then?' said the gullible Blank, as he
held up his hand.
why, you're holding up your right
hand. of course.
'Humph Mystified. Blank kneit on
the floor What he said. am | doing
now?'
".Ha, ha. ha. Saying your prayers,
was the reply.
BLANK then held up in succession be
fore the telephone his watch, a hat, a
fan: and Dash. at the other end of the
wire. named the articles promptly and
correctly.
so Blank. the gullibe Blank. was CON
WINGED: and before ringing off he told
Dash to be sure and send the spectre
scope agent around. and he'd buy two
from him, one for the Office and one for
the house
Mr. Crane laughed. lighted a cigar and
began to talk elevators again.
but how" stammered the reporter,
chow was the trick worked"
1.-The joker Dash said Mr.. Crane, had
been talking from a friends Office across
the street, and through the window IL
had had a full view of Blank all the
time"
Evening star., 1909-08-28

when a bunch of these plug-ugtes were
enjoying themselves you'd be strongly
ing their eligibility preserved by q magis-
trate as protectors of the public peace,
they ought to be sent for an lnoehnlte
period to Devils Island or Tasmania or
Siberia. or condemned to live Tor a rev
years in the bottom of drained cistern
or an abandoned well, or something or
that sort.
The great majority of them are second
generations of Italians, Hungar1ans and
other East Sders, who have about as
much use for the amenities of public be-
alavior and the governmental system
under which they live as Texas cotton
farmer has for the boil weevil.
They board the subway trains at the
suburban stations. near which they re
been playing Sunday base ball. Usually
there are from twenty to thirty OF the
young rufi1ans in a party, ano "nen
real wise New Yorker already on a sub
way train sees q gang Of this sort en-
tering his car he doesn't waste any time
or stand upon the order OF his beating IL
from that train at the very next stop,
hut beats it at once and is glad to get
away with his life. But all hands can't
be equally wise, and a lot of the folks
have got some place to go, anyhow, ana
so they remain on the subway trains and
Invariably go through battle, siege. and
all but murder and sudden death before
they can extricate themselves from their
hideous position and make their bruised
and battered and outraged way OF the
trains.
The young fellers whom Magistrate
Barlow thinks ought to make peace pro-
tectors at some future time don't waste
any time whatever in getting busy on
the subway trains. Usually they begin
by tossing ball back and forth, shaving
the ball SO close to the eyes and noses
of terrified women and children IS TO
make the situation screechingly funny for
the rest of their mates.
They vary this skitttshness by throwing
their base ball gloves at each other, and
if their aim is bad and they contrive to
deposit the evil-smelling glove in the
countenance of some aged, inoffensive
man or woman, why-haw, haw.-so much
the better. hey. fellers?
From this they fall to batting tie ball
around the car with their little bats,
thus keeping all Of the decent passengers
in the car in state of mortal fear that
presently they'll be losing an eye or get
ting a caulihower ear or crushed nose
or something OF that sort
Then some of the merry youths. find
ing this stuff too slow and mOnotonous.
as it were, begin to slam-bang each other
with the suit cases in which they carry
their ball-playing uniforms. On account
Of the motion of the train and the turn
ing of curves 1t isn't always possible
for them to be exact in their way of aim
ing the suit cases at each other. and SO
Evening star., 1909-08-28
False Doctrine.

THE late DIR. Theodore Wolf, professor
of chemistry at Delaware College, set
office-holders rare example of unselfish-
ness by having his fees as state chemist
greatly reduced, on the ground that they
were exorbtant.
.'Dr. Wolf" said a Newark man, was
a delightful lecturer. l often dropped
in to the college to hear him. I'll never
forget one of his lectures on quack. med
icineS.
He told us about an early patient of
his, a man who dosed himself with about
a half-peck of pills and two or three
gallons of auack medicine every week.
There was nothing the matter with the
fool but all this silly medicine swilling.
and DIR. Wolf told him SO, but 1t did no
good.
Then DR.. Wolf appealed to the man $
wife to stop him. but she declared that
it couldn't be done. She had quoted at
him. again and again. she said. the verse
in the liturgy that pointed out his sin,
:. But where interrupted DIR. Wolf, be-
wildered, where does the liturgy say
anything about taking quack medicine?'
.'She was prompt with her reply:
- From all false doctorinR, Good Lord
deliver u.s..
Evening star., 1909-08-28

sociolocist can't but be impressed with
the fact that song of that sort, even ~
It have not the positive effect. cerlaihiy
is not calculated to cause young 1oik 10
be profoundly impressed with the sacred
ness of the marriage relation-as the la
dies express it in their letters.
The song writers. when asked tiletf
opinion of all this. snort that they haven't
anything-some of them say moth
in" to do with the effect of their dit
ties upon the youth of the land. foS-
terity? What has posterity ever done Tor
meo" some renowned wit once said when
taxed in a similar manner. That the
view of the song writer's and II Is more
than presumable that the songs that
make a joke of marriage viii become
more derisive in tone and therefore more
Injurious in their effect upon the Inn
pressionable, right along.
THE other day met UP with VII
liam Hepner. the theatrical wig
maker, and he showed me at his place
some models of the way women Will
have to fix their hair in order to wear
those huge, foot-and -a-haif-high grcna-
dier's shakos that are going to be the
rage this autumn and winter. and that
already are being exhibited In the milli-
merry windows
VARY funny too, that hairdressing
styIe for the shake headpiece. and the
man who'll he able TO look at his wife
hair done that way without rolling on
the carpet and laughing himself TO the
verge of hyste-a will prove pimsef
cold -blooded individual The hairdress-
ing scheme for the shake reminds me or
the way Papuan women-agreeabe sav-
ages not!-wear their wool: that Is.
messed up into a straight column and
bound around and around with string
and kept additionally tractable as a col
umn by the liberal application of a kind
of cocoanut oil that smells like rancid
butter The women who wear the shake
style of hair will no doubt omit the CO
coanut OIL but they won't look any the
less Papuanesque for all that.
And they're going to be fine to sit behind
at the theater. those shake coiffureS
That is to say. they'll make it Just about
as agreeable for the man sitting behind
one of them as If he were anchored be-
hind large, side stone pillar or stan
chion.
Papuanesaue otherwise. will the la
dies wear their hair that way? They
will. they will. They'll wear il that way
even if they don't adopt the shakos.
And as a simple matter of fact, the
shakos. crazy they look and are. are
not half so maniacal as the hair of the
woman who permits herself to wear one
of the things.
CLARENCE L. CULLEN.
Evening star., 1909-08-28
MRS. BANGSMITH RECEIVES A GUESl

abroad. OF course. ! know perfectly well
that you're not like that. dearie, but
''rell me. did you see any of those new
tube gowns while YOU were abroad, my
dear? Don't you think they are the vui-
garest things I've only seen pictures
of them. of course. but ] wouldn't wear
one of them. to judge from the pictures
TO dog fight. and If
How? The new tube gowns arc not
meant for extremely thin people? OH Is
that so? BY the way. my dear. dldn {
you gain terrible lot of flesh while you
were away? You'll have to watch that,
YOU know Really, you must watch It,
/ know, or at least I've heard of a fat
reducing system that you ought to IN
yestisate Some Danish or Swedish
woman-I can get her address for you
is introducing it in Washington Ihe
thing you'd like about her system Is tilal
il allows YOU to just eat and eat and eat
and gorge yourself while you're taking
the treatment.
.',rhe woman who's introducing it was.
/ heard. a perfect pig for weight herself
before she discovered this system of hers.
Indeed. / heard that she weighed 1S0
pounds. Er-you don't weigh much more
than 100, do you, dearie? How? Only
a hundred and sixty-four? My, my.
what a dreadfuly poor guesser | am!
by the way, my dear, you've met that
-er-Well, that somewhat doubtful Mrs
Hotclip. haven't you, that lives right
above us here? Well. recently she got
Evening star., 1909-08-28

New Workers extract keen enjoyment
from the humoristical manifestations OF
their magistrates.
One of them, Barlow by name, exuded
a delightful comedy line only last week.
He had lust dismissed large bunch or
subway rowdies The rou-dies had rails
cd about nineteen different kinds OF trou-
BILE on various subway trains the prev
Gus day-a Sunday-and had only oeen
pinched by police reserves after tremeno-
Gus all-hands-round battles. But Mag1s-
trate Barlow turned 'em loose with
mild little reprimand, the essence or Wnlc1
was" Don't do it again, boys. Wnereupoii
the newspapers commented with soine
bitterness upon Barlows extreme gentie-
ness in dealing with the subway ruf1ans'
and one of the newspapers sent man 10
The magistrate TO ask him why ne hdd
dealt so leniently with the subway thugs
We'll. I'll tell YOU replied tne mass
trate-though he didn't mean the reply
TO be funny at all--"I'll tell you | d1dn t
want to do anything TO those young fei-
lows-fine 'em or send EN- away. or any
thing like that-because / didn't Wanl
to disban them from getting on tne po.
lice forca or the fire department in case
any of 'em later on wanted city JOBS.
The idea being. YOU see, that young
fellers who have been convicted even
OF misdemeanors thereby become inei'si-
bic for. Jobs as cops or flremen.
Well this ingenious reply of Mag
istrate Barlow's has furnished the town
with a large chortle. even X 1t has made
the more minded-particularly the
victims of the subway thugs-sore all the
way through.
There is, YOU will perceive, q fine. subtle
1umor in the idea that a magistrate
should suppose that these plug-uglies OF
the subways should ever be eligible for
jobs as protectors of the public peace and
that he should give as his reason for not
nunishing them the fact that he didn'
want to shut them off from that sort OF
employment
If you had ever been a passenger on a
subway train on a Sunday AFTERNOON
Evening star., 1909-08-28

admirably. 1t looks perfectly safe and
secure Captain. ! expect later to have
considerably larger sums OF government
money to intrust to the vault. but in the
meantime-er-I will leave this here"
And Maj. Boyd Taylor. major and pay
master. n. G. d. C.. L. S. A.. removed
from his pocket and placed on shelf
in the cavernous depths of the vaIut an
envelope containing $50 in government
funds.
THIS has been a mighty bad season all
along the Atlantic coast. If you
don't believe it just listen to the walls of
the hotel men who have been endeavorins
to pay expenses while feeding more help
than guests. They'll tell you all about
1t with adjectives rare and ornate aad
declare, too. that never again-never,
never again-will they try to pick 40
loose coin catering to heat-chasad hui
manity.
OF course. the weather has been re-
sponsible. 1t always is. and this year
has been no exception. Leaving out that
snortinG hot spell in June and day or
two at clip since. there hasn't been
any really outrageously violent caloric
demonstration since. So the hotel men
are very sad. and they tell you so.
Fooled by this sort Of thing, Fred Has
kins of the Haskns syndicate beat it
down to Atlantic City couple of weeks
Evening star., 1909-08-28

"But guess can fix you up just the
same. I need some mileage anyhow
Whereupon he took s5.25 and handed him
a twenty-dollar bill.
Take this. he said, land buy a thou
sand-mile book. When you get to New
York return me by mail the mileage you
haven't used And the scalper turned
to wait on some other customer.
My friend, who was having his first ex-
perience OF the kind. nearly dropped dead.
do you do this sort OF thing very
often?' he inquired. after hanging around
until the scaiper wasn't busy, so that he
might put the question.
Sure" said the scalper. pretty nearly
every day. And do l get stung very
often? l do not, not once in a long. long
time. and then. as likely as not l figure
out it is because the man l trust forgets
to mail back the book or gets drunk and
loses it or drops dead or something like
that. Folks are real honest. though there
are lot OF folks who don't appreciate the
fact. Trust them and they will treat yor
right. If that were not the case ticket
scalping nowadays would be a lost art
Mileage books and some forms of tickets
are about the only thing We have left Il
trade in now.
Evening star., 1909-08-28

1t would be we'll for you to seek to es-
tablish this point conclusively before
taking any decided stand in the mat
ter Perhaps it would be a good plan
for YOU to master the intricacies or
base ball and to learn how to converse
intelligently and colloquially on tnat
subject. BY doing this You might De
ton which the young man now ad-
dresses aImos. exclusively to your
father, and in the course of time
probably by the time the base ball sea
son ends-the young man might snow
q disposition to talk with you concern
ing other and more vital matters. Your
first care. however. should be to try 70
induce the young man to sit somewhere
else than on the fire escape when call
ing at your home. It is not considered
in the best Of form for young lady
to entertain gentlemen on the fire es-
cape even if she merely suspects that
his call is meant for her.
Evening star., 1909-08-28

fining and restricting for their operations.
these Sunday subway thugs with the base
ball gear place hand on each others
shoulders and proceed to do the bowling
lock-step through the entire train. back
and forth time and again, knocking men
and women's hats off as they go. and
kicking in the shins of such OF the men
as they overhear even muttering objec-
tions to this cheerful and uplifting stuff.
In fact, you might Just IS well be
participant-as one of the victims-in an
Armenian massacre as to get yourself
caught in one OF these Sunday rough
houses on the subway, for, even If you
have the physical conformation of Jef-
Evening star., 1909-08-28
A SECTION ON ADVICE TO LOVELORN

has suggested that you could continue tn
work at your position after the marriage.
At the risk of disillusioning you, We are
obliged to express the conviction that this
suggestion of the young gentleman has
an inSincere, If not an actually suspicious.
sound. If you were to follow his advice
there would be the ever-preSent danger
that, after marriage. he would resign his
own position and seek to supply himself
with what comforts and luXuries he de-
sired out of your IS weekly salary. You
would do better TO think the matter over
carefully before making any false move.
CLARENCE l.. CULLEN.
Evening star., 1909-08-28

seen in these parts and after having car
r;ed a sword and a telescope back and
forth between the Washington Loan and
Trust Company and Cleveland Park for
upward of a week-the sword for decora-
tive purposes and the telescope for the
purpose of sighting the first smoke OF
the army transports-one of the ships
actually came into port.
Maj. Taylor donned the aforesaid spien-
diferous uniform and started out to make
a formal visit. He blew into the presence
Of the captain Of the transport. and the
captain-only a mere merchant captain,
anyhow-succumbed then and there. But
Mai. Taylor was gentle with him.
Evening star., 1909-08-28

how perfectly remarkable. I had no iued
you'd been abroad. ! supposed that
you'd merely gone for your customary
two weeks or SO at Atlantic City. You
weren't gone more than two weeks, were
YOU? What, You've been away going
on three months! How perfectly as
tonishing, Doesn't time fairly ny,
though.
We'll, my dear, / suppose you're tired
and glad to be back, for / dare say you
spent every minute of the time following
she Cooks courier around and How?
Oh, You didn't make one of the Cooks
tours. then? Just you and your husband
in the party. eh? I don't know how !
came TO imagine that of course you went
Evening star., 1909-08-28
No, He Never Dragged.

HTHE average American millionaire.
said Upton Sinclair, in a recent
address, ''brags too much about his
wealth.
smoker of a Pullman. Ny companion
agreed with me. but a fat man across
the aisle. who must have been listening,
leaned across and said sternIy:
Young man, you're all wrong. The
American millionaire rarely If ever brags
about money. /, for example, never
Dragged about my money in my life, and
yet I'm worth close on to four millions!