Arizona republican., 1909-07-08
By F. P. DUNNE.

| Well, sir, said MT. Dooley, " us a grand wurruk thim sinitors an
 congressman are doin' in Wash-nton.
 Me heart bleeds fir tn poor fellows steamin' away undher tn majestic | tin dome iv tn Capitol thryin' to re- | jooce tn tariff to a weight where | it can stand on tn same platform with me frind big Bill without en- dangerin' his life. Tn likes iv ye
 wud want to see tn tariff rejooced | with a jack plane or an ice pick. But
 tn tariff has been good frind to slime iv thim boys an it's a frind iv frinds iv some iv tn others an they don't intend to be rough with l 1t. A little gentle massage to re- joooe tn most prominent prochoo- berances is all that is nicissry. Whin- iver they rub too hard an tn tariff ] begins to groan Sinitor Aldrich says: Go a little aisier there, boys He's very tender in some iv thim sched-
 ules. Praps we'd betther stop fir | tn day an give him a little nOur- | ishment to build him up he says.
 An tn last 1 heerd about it. tn tariff was far firm bein' tn wan an
 emacyated crather ye'd like to see comin' out iv tn shit chamber. It
 won't have to be helped onto ye'er
 back an, ye won't notice amy differ ence in its weight. No, sir. I shud-
 thin iver.
 Me congressman sint me a copy
 iv tn tariff bill tn other day. He's fine fellow, that congressman iv
 mine. He looks afther me inthrests
 well. He knows what a gr-reat read-
 CT l am. l don't care what l read. So he sint me a copy iv tn tariff
 bill an Eve been studyiR' it fir a
 week. Iris a fine piece iv summer lithrachoor. 'Tis full iv action an
 romance I haven't read annything
 to akel it since I used to get tn
 Deadwood Dick series.
 I'm in favor if havin' 1t read on
 tn Fourth iy July instead iv tn
 declaration iv indypindance. It gives ye some idee iv tn kind .iy gloryous
 governmint we're Twin undher, to
 see our fair Columbia putin her
 brave young. arms out an defindin'
 tn products iV our soil firm steel
 rails to porous plasthers, hooks an
 eyes, artyficial horse hair an bono
 castings, which comes undher tn head
 iv clothing an, ] suppose is a polite
 name fr pantaIoons.
 ''Iv coorse. low sorded people yike
 ye, Hinnissy, will kick because it's
 goin' to cost XeGTnore to indulge yeer
 taste in ennervating luxuries. Dye
 know Sinitor AIdrich2 Ye don't I'm
 surprised to hear that. He knows
 ye. Why. he all but mentions yeer
 name in two pr three places. He does so. 'Tis as if he said: This here vulgar plntychrat Hinnissy Is turnin' tn heads iv our young men with his garish display. Befure this, counthries have perished because iv tn ostintation iY tn arrystocracy. We must presarve tn ideels iv american simplicity. We'll show this vulgar upstart that he can't humilyate his fellow citizens be goin around dhressed up like an Asyatic favrite iv tn Impror Neero, be hivens How will we get at him, says ye? Wen put tax iv sixty per cent on ready made clothin' costin less thin tin dollars a suit That1l teach him to squander money wrung firm lawn D. Rockyfellar in tn Roo dilly Pay We'll go further thin that We'll put tax iy forty per cent on knit ted underwear costin' less thin a dollar. twenty-five a dozen. We'll make specyal assault on woOlen socks an cowhide shoes. We'll make an example iv this here pampered babe iv fortune,' says he. An there 1t is. Ye haven't got a thing on ye'er back excipt ye'er skin-an' that may be there, I haven't got as far as tn hide schedule yet-that aint men, tioned in this here boolwark iv our liberties. It's ye'er own fault. If ye will persist in wearin' these gee gaws yell have to pay fir thim. If ye will go on decoratin' yeer house with shingles an paint an putin paper on tn walls an adOrnin' tn inside iv it with ye'er barbaric taste fir eight day clocks, cane bot tom chairs an kerosene lamps, ye've got to settle, that's all. We've Haunt ed ye'er wealth too long in tn face iv sturdy people.
 "Ye'd think tn way such as ye talk that ivrything is taxed. It aint so. 'Tis an insult to tn pathritism iv congress to say so. Tn repub- | lican party with a good deal iv as- sistance firm tn pathriotic dimmy- crats has been thrue to its promises. ! Look at tn free list, if ye don't be- l lieve it. Practically ivrything nicissry | to existence comes in free. What, | fir example. says ye? I'll look. Here | it is. Curling stones. There L told yet. Curling stones are free. Yen be able to buy all yell need this f'r practically nawthin'. No more will ladies comin' into this have to conceal curling stones in their stockin's to avoid tn | iniquitous customs. 1
 What else? Well. teeth. Here it | Is in tn bill: 'Teeth free iv jooty Undher tn Dingley bill they were heavily taxed. Onless ye cud prove that they had cost ye less thin hundhred dollars, or that ye had worn thim fir two years in Europe, or that ye were bringin' thim in fir scien- tific purposes or to give to mu- seem, there was an enormous jooty Dn teeth. Tn govermint used to sind humorists down to tn locks to catch tn teeth smugglers. But firm now on ye can Haunt ye'er teeth in tn face iv amy inspictor. Ye don't have to decIate thim Yel font have to put thim in tn bottom " ye'er thrunk. Ye don't have to nave thim chalked or labeled befure ye get off tn dock. Ye don't have -o hand a five to tn inspictor an