The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1909-07-04
GOING FORTH ON THE FIFTH
TO CELEBRATE THE FOURTH?
BY IRWIN S. COBB.

" SODDs
, Revolution in the country. She was
born while her mother was riding on
merry-go-round at the county fair.
Il was raised to believe that our an
cestors did a great piece of work when
they acted in such way as to induce
Lord CORVALLIS to alter his plans about
spending his summers in this country and
catch the next boat back for the other
side. l knew the revolutionary patriots
were a nervy crowd. They had to have
nerve to wear the kind of clothes they
did. 1 wouldn't dare to wear 'em myself
except to a fancy dress ball, and even
then I'd want to take few drinks first,
but they actually had the courage to go
out and wage war in 'em. 1t showed
they were a hardy bunch and fearless in
the extreme.
Il was always very strong for pastng
the British lion a clout in the jaw, too.
/ wanted to go out every Fourth of July
and turn his tail into pretzel. TIL with
this hands-across-the-sea business I'd
say to myself, It's been my observation
that every time our British cousins ex
tended the hand across the sea, twas
either spread open for a tip or clenched
up to slip us a wallop when we weren't
looking. Blood may be thicker than wa
ter, l says, and if ever they monkey
with us again it'll also be blamed sight
I says. but the families of many of them
will be indebted to the burial parlors
should they undertake anything sassy
with your esteemed Uncle Samuel j. Unit
ed States. In such a case, l says, the
Edward The Seventh Rex family will be
found spelling their last name
''W-r-e-c-k-s", l says. That's the way 1
talked, Larry, and l meant it,
Every time revolution to free Ire
and games of the Mayo Mems association,
I'd recall that the bloods of Brian Bond
and Patrick Henry mingled in my veins,
or might have done so If they felt like
1t, and l was there with the loud APPROX
ing cheer. Often | kept on cheering long
/, after the County Mayos had come home
on the trolley car from Celtic park and
slept it off and forgot all about it until
the next year When Grover Cleveland
! made all that pother that time with old
Lord What's His Name, the British am
bassador, about the Venezuelan boun-
dairy I became intensely worked up.
They could hardly restrain me from ac-
, tual violence. Up until that time | didn't
know Venezuela had any boundary and
whether it was worth II cents or $1,000
a front foot. / didn't care hang wheth-
err the Venezuelans kept boundary of
their own had to borrow from the
neighbors when they needed one. But the
moment this here row came up 1t was all
could do to keep from going out and
stranglng the only Englishman in our
home town, with my bare hands. He
was a small merchant tailor with weak
/ lungs and side whiskers and I've of.en
thought l could have done it easy and
regretted that 1 didn't go ahead and try
when / was in the humor for it.
Then again when that muddle arose
over the seal fisheries I was ready to
shoulder a musket I didn't have
musket, but l was there with the shoulder
all right. l thought what noble ami
NAL the seal was and how he furnished
! seal rings to the wealthy and sealing wax
! to the middle classes and seal skin
4 saques, made out of mink, to the poor
/ but ambitious; and / was willing to pro-
! tect this faithful and fruitful creature
j from British arrogance to the last ounce
| of wind in my lungs. | was so. Why,
| | seriously thought, at one time, of Pc
! titioning the state legislature to change
my birthday to the Fourth Of July, and
allow me to start in celebrating it on the
] morning Of the 18th of March.
! But I've experienced a change of
, heart, Larry, 1 don't mind telling you.
| In the light of recent events I'm surprised
| that the Society for Prevention of Cru
/ city to Children never got after us for
licking the British that time. | know now
! twas nothing to be proud of and look to
! see future generations referring to it as
! The Crime of Seventy-Six. The war of
| 1912 will be mentioned as a second Of
] fence on our part and history will con-
denim us for our needless cruelty. The
| way | feel now, I wouldn't strike an
! Englishman; not even If he was tied
! hand and foot. Instead of observing the
| Fourth of July with bands a. sTe works
| and third alarms and havir Declara-
| ton of Independence r. us by a
| county attorney runnin or reelection.
| in a picnic grove, we ought to send a
! suitable delegation to decorate the graves
| of the fallen English dead with the ma
tional flower of the English race, which is
! the veal kidney"
"wot makes you talk like that. after
| the way you wuz raised?' asked the
| House Detective
| Because I've learned said the Hotel
| Clerk, that there's way to lick a
| Britisher into the consistency of a York.
shire dumping without loss of life, limb
or much Precipitation. You lick him be-