Morgan County republican. (Versailles, Mo.) 1906-1914, 1909-06-24
A Watermelon Waterloo
BY E. DE LANCEY PERSON

1909. by J. d. Lippincott Coz

in down the hill mixed up with about
a carload Of fruit that would have
made a niger throw a fit for j'y. A
spell alter some distinguished citizens |
of the place gathers up my remains
and ! retires from public life for some
two weeks.
when I was able to open a. eye
I was waited or by a committee of
prominent parties Of the town. Alter |
expressin' their dis'p'intment at find.
in me alive. they perceded to make
remarks cal-lated ter hurt the feelin's.
They axes me, among other things, |
would | prefer jumpin' the town that
night or spendin' the dim future In
cold storage. From the LOOKS Of these
gents l see they would prefer l choose
the latter. Materially | axes the chief
of these he-b'ars wherefore they was
SO eager to play 1t dirt on a orphan,
and they ~obleegingly shows their
keerds. 1t seems at the night my farm
took to the road Their were a enter
tainment in the basement of the meet
in'-house give by The Lambs o. Zion
for the benif1t o. suthin' or other. The
chapel sot at the bottom o. my hill,
and the revelry vas interrupted
mighty suddint when the front door
busts open an in sashays bout four
dozen o. them iron-clad watermelons
full O. business and mixes up with the
company permiscus. Them what
couldn't git in the door come tumblin'
In though the winders. which hap
pened to be open on count Of the
warm night. Wal, ye'd imagined they
he'd he'd special invertations, to see
the way they made themselves to
hum.
Nov It happened they was two
cliques 'mong the Lambs O. Zion, an
when this fruit invades the place they
each accuses the other of putin up
the job. Words flew back and forth,
and soon the melons too. In ten min
utes ! was told the place looked like
n slaughter house. 1t must ha' ben a
sight!
Thar was one lady there dOin' the
Rebecca at the well act what got took
back OF the year by a green 'un. Here
she leaves her duties and disappears
In the lemonade bari. Bein' a our
party, 1t dOn'tswecten her dispersitiOn
none. She makes onkind remarks to
the gent what fished her out, and they
exchanges compliments and other
things. The room meanwhile was a
loadin' up. The hull ten acres seemed
to have fixed on that meetin' room for
a rcndywoO, an the soclable folks was
gettin' ter be anything hut social,
After a spell Their was a stimuli.
taneous move for the door. but the
melons had the right of way on the
stairs, which the same was narrer,
When all did manage to scrunch Their
way out | hear the remarks made was
turble, and It was variously suggested
by interested parties that burnin' at
the stake and boilin' In oil would be
shown angelic mercy to the caty
mount that injured their clothes and
feeiin's.
"Sich was the theory the fust citi.
zen onloads on me. They fu'ther re-
quests me ter pursue my farmin' oper-
atoms a dozen states away-the further
the better. insineratin' at II I didn't
see 1t In that light. a improved meth
cd Of plantin' would be shown as a
illustration OF what might be done
In that line.
Now the idee!" exclaimed the pa
triarch, looking around the room for
sympathy with a snort Of indignation.
"blamin' a man cause his farm had
took to the road an was runnin'
amuck. Never heerd SIGH foolish
ness.
"They says / orter ha' knowed not
to plant SIGH heavy vegetable artillery
on a steep hill 'thout chainin' 1t down
or gittin' a shepherd to watch 1t by
night with a dog. SOS It couldn't git
away and hold up the town.
Course. see it was no use to
argify with them mushrats, so I
sings my hand and quits the game.
Since then, gents, ! buys no land on
til ! gets all the p'ints from the last
Teller what squatted there"