davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1909-05-23

refer to Abdul Hamid, better known
lately as Alb the Ham, and Cipriano P. ].
Castro. late Of Venzwalla.
Even in their most pammy days I
couldn't figure out where either one Of
them had much the best of it. Clip. the
last time he took the census. had twenty
five grown children and q flock of little
Cips coming on. and Alb was incumberei
with a harum full Of lady harum-scar
ums, who wore nose bags over their faces
and dressed like the hind legs Of a prop
erty elephant in Christmas pantomime.
And on top of all that along came old
Miss Trouble and put both Of them on a
through freight. At last accounts Clip
was being kept SO on the move by the
police that he rarely spent two nights on
the same park bench He was about as
popular as a haunted house. And lonely
well, they'd taken to calling him poor
old Robinson Castro, and that ought to
give you an idea.
But what Clip got wasn't Whit TO
what they handed poor Alb over in Tu--
key He certainly had the allah pazazz
passed to him. You see. they're almost
as many different sorts Of true believers
in Turkey as there are in the democratic
party. and they don't get along any bet
ter either. There's the Armenians from
if most of them were not made in New
Jersey; the Circassian. from whom we
get those pink-eyed ladies' with the lamp
Evening star., 1909-05-23

toll borrowing everything he saw and for
getting to return it. he are ripped away
from his deary Fatherland with only a
railroad ticket and a letter of introduc-
tion to Chippano Castro President of the
Man Without Country Club"
Me & Arthur agree by looking so.
"Will not them Turkies have more free
dom because they got Constitutional
Monarchy" require Arthur.
'They will have more freedom. but less
leisure" revoke Strunsky "why people
wish to over-kick an Absolute Monarchy
for. / am ignorant to see. An Absolute
Monarchy is place where the King does
all the work and the People has nothing
to do but pay taxes & enjoy life. Turkey
is fast changing from the cozy corner of
despotism to land of bleak & boundless
liberty. Them good old days when Unc:e
Evening star., 1909-05-23

cleaner heads Of hair that used to be
in all the side shows. but are now re-
naming at home and furnishing raw
material for the massacre stuff; the Curd,
who is the real cheese. as indicated by
the name: the Mohammedan. sometimes
called the Musseman, hence the muscle
dance, and others too numerous and too
hard to mention.
1T seems they got a constitution In
Turkey last fall and weren't acclimated
to 1t and didn't know how to take liber-
ties with 1t, as our Congress does, and
trouble The Young Turks and the Young
Corbetts Of the country got together and,
as a preliminary, killed off some Chris
tians and passed set of resolutions say
ing that whereas the sacred name Of
liberty had been outraged and whereas
the Christians were reported as plenti-
full and comparatively tame in several
provinces. and whereas the interests OF
advanced civilization could best be con-
served by killing some Christians, there
fore, be it resolved, that we do now pro-
ceed to stand the present sultan on his
esteemed pecan and kill some Christians.
No sooner said than done. The Young
Turks marched on the imperial establish
ment. pausing only to kill some Chris
tians from time to time. and deposed
the sultan, after killing some Christians,
and sent him into retirement at Salonica,
accompanied only by enough wives to
make four tables at bridge; first, how
ever, taking care to kill some Chris
tians; after which all hands engaged In
a favorite national pastime called killing
some Christians, pleasant time being
had by all, and the best Of order was
maintained.
"The Turk may be great fighter all
right. Larry. but at this distance he
looks to me like a percentage player.
He'd give the other fellow all the advan-
tage that Is accorded a circus CRATER
who's been caught working the shells on
the town marshal's favorite nephew in
small rural community in the pam
handle Of Texas; but not any moro than
that He doesn't seem to think SO very
much Of Christians since he licked the
Greeks that time. Well, I haven't heard
Of any heavyweight champion that came
from Greece myself. 1t seems the Greek
was in the habit Of spending the night
the national hymn and copiously kissing
his comrades, his military uniform con-
sisting largely Of an accordian plated
Evening star., 1909-05-23

gethor to saloon of Hon. Strunsky. Irish
patriot. who are at bar selling alcohol,
as usual to Hon. C. w. McCann, promi-
nent drunk.
II wish To acquaint you with Arthur
Kickahajama. who come here study Sa-
loon Evil" | Say-so to this Strunsky.
Arthur, put your 45c on bar"
Arthur do so sadly.
what will you have to take-it?" re-
auire this salooner.
Evening star., 1909-05-23

walking skirt, an eton jacket and q
clarinet players lid. For dress occasions
he added a lingerie shirt waist and prob
ably carried violets. When he Jared
forth to conflict he must have looked like
a cross between Mystic Shriner and
a serpentine dancer. Why, his resalia
had him handicapped before he started.
"But the Turk didn't sing any that
ever heard Of on the night before the
battle. He hasn't any singing voice to
speak Of. anyhow. But he put In a con-
genial evening splitting on his hands and
whetting up his portable cutlery and the
next day many sudden vacancies occurred
in the push cart and terra Gotta bust
industries, and the passes Of the noun
tains were full Of Greek volunteers hunt
ing for home or q hollow tree. l trace
the present revival Of interest in Greek
Marathon racing right back to that war.
But sometimes I wish the Turk might
run UP against some other Christian
UUUlCS tHdI COulu AoIu0S ia SAA4AnAno
particularly Of our police force.
4 +
"But I was getting away from our
real subject, which is the whisker. You'll
take notice from their pictures, Larry.
that both Clip and Alb wore whiskers
And now, just look at them. When the
populace begin to 60 after whiskers In
high places it's time for royalty to have
a care. If was King Leopold Of Bel
gium I bet I'd have a care. I'd have
a care if was him. and then I'd have
shave. In some places know the whis-
kers he wears would bring on q riot II
a circuit rider had 'em, let alone q king
and a close business friend Of Thomas
F. Ryan.
Some Of these days. Larry, some his
torian that has more time to spare than
I have will trace the influence Of the
chin whisker upon our own public life.
starting from Capt. John Smith. who was
considerable Of q living life net himself.
II you can believe the pictures Of him.
and running right on down to Gov.
Hughes Who was 1t that snatched the
country out Of the greedy grip Of tho
perhdious Albinos Of perfidious Albion,
as the poet says, and built it up into a
collection Of states. most Of which would
eventually go republican by large ma
jorities. and have conflicting rate laws?
Who. I ask, but lot Of persons like
Patrick Henry and John Quincy and r.
Franklin. and all Of them as bare on
the face as q newell post. II the postage
stamps tell the truth there wasn't one
Evening star., 1909-05-23

shaven jowl 81 have not" he said with
emphasis. "Well. don't do it." said the
Hotel Clerk, especially the kind known
as the chin whisker. It's not being worn
by our SWEETEST dressers this season. And
besides. I think It's bad luck"
"Wot put that idea into your head"
inquired the House Detective.
THE sad cases of two old friends of
mine" said the Hotel Clerk. Il never
exactly met them face to face, but I've
heard so much about them that 1 feel
just the same as If we'd all three been
raised on the same block. Both of them
had those chin whiskers. one set being
of the trailing love-vine variety and the
other the closely woven winter lichens,
and both Of them have been getting the
hooks. 1t only goes to show that If
man wears the chenille fringes of a male
Angora on the southern division Of his
face long enough the populace will take
the hint and make goat out of him.
Evening star., 1909-05-23

gin To think up following evils which
must arrive:
Turkish people. thinking for themselves.
decides to have an election.
c-Turkish politicians. thinking for them
selves. tries to build neat party plat
form. which will look patriotick & yet
protect the Trusts with deceptive ex-
preston.
3-Turkish ladies. thinking for them
selves, casts away Turkish towels from
their faces & shows how less beauti-
ful they are This leads to suffragetting
& other crimes.
4-Turkish husbands. thinking for them
selves. decides to get drunk: because
future seem very hopelus when he have
married so many lady-votei that he
must be forever defeated in ratio OF
16 to 1.
when you think Of them curses" say
Evening star., 1909-05-23

heads. but, according to the chrome that
used to hang over our parlor mantel, and
everybody else's parlor mantel for that
matter. every blessed one Of them had
just come from the BARRIERS with his bay
rum. his German cologne and his talcum
powder fresh upon him.
Put mono but smooth-faced Ameri-
cans on guard tonight said somebody
just before the battle of something, and
they had to do it. They didn't have any
other kind in stock. And through that
awful winter at Valley Forge the pa
triots may have had no shoes for their
feet, but they all had the price of a
clean shave. twice over. with the tonic
rubbed we'll into the scalp to prevent
falling out and badness. See any Amer
ican art collection.
eve got along very we'll through the
days of Webster and Clay and Calhoun
and other smooth-faced statesmen. but
along about the middle of the last CEN
tury a wave of whiskers swept through
the unhappy. country and what was the
Evening star., 1909-05-23

Jo-Uncle Cannon. Commander OF the
Faithful? Was Murdock Pasha able TO
pry open the Yiddish Kiosk right under
the nose OF Dalzell Pasha? All japanese
schoolboys are aware what happen when
he try It. The feet OF the Sultan are
still on the necks OF the Mad Minority. the
Sultan are still smoking High Tariff
Cigars behind the Grand Porte & Arme-
nian insurgents is being massacred every
day in Wisconsin"
"Jo-Uncle Cannon have never been
called the Sick Man of the House, not
even by his dearest friends" report
Strunsky.
so there have been a moving day in
Constantinople." gollup Hon. c. w. Nc
Cam with shipwrecked clutch to Bar.
Like all court Scandals" say Strun-
sky. sit were a scene of royal pump. 1t
are an impressive, yet q sadding sight.
this passing Of a dead monarchy with
all its regal show & pay-gentry-like A.
Paws Circus going into winter quarters, or
like Coney Island changing hands.
Imagine it with brain! Firstly come Alba
bearing rugs. sofa-cushions & all other
objecks Of art that make home horrible.
Nextly come vanloads of Turkish uphoi-
stery. inlaid taburets & embroidered Bag
dad portiers. Irish dragomans armed
with hookhah & oil stoves ensue after
this. Nextly come Poisoners & Choppers
Union, International Private Executioners
Guild No. with their motto, "If Thy
Right-Hand Man Oppose Thee, Cut Him
on" Nextly come 10 Uniques disguised
as men. Following this come q lonesome
gentleman on foot looking like Senator
Platt disguised as Mystic Shriner. This
are Uncle Abe Hamid. known to his
friends and relatives as ''the Damned"
Nextly come a Seeing-Constantinople bus
completely filled with First Ladies in the
Land smoking cigarettes and covered with
Turkish toweling to hide their beauty. or
whatever they got"
"Are this the royal harem7" require
Arthur, eagerly.
These are a few selected wives" say
Strunsky. ''The rest Of the harem will
be sold at auction. together with the
other palace fixtures
How did this new Sultan get inside?'
require Arthur.
'The new Sultan renig Strunsky.
"were the unanimous choice OF Cen.
Tewthpik Pasha. armed with a shotgun.
AS soonly as Uncle Abe Hamid had en-
joyed kick-out from Kiddish Kiosk peo-
pie Of Turkey begin making loud clam
mer for some unpopular Moslem to come
& be the choice Of Heaven. This are
court etacat. So Gen. Tewthpik Pasha,
who are Turk Of Roosevelt temperature.
he go Immediately to the detention-shed
out back Of tho Palace. where cast-off
Evening star., 1909-05-23

i l c X A
HAJAMA, missiou-
airy boy, come-me
yesterday and say
he wish study Sa-
loon Evil. He got
4Jc wealth to spepd
it. so / promus
show him this edu-
cation. We elope to-
Evening star., 1909-05-23

Brothers OF Hon. Abe Hamid has been
be useful. These royal Turkies make
great gobble & f1ooter when Hon. Tewth-
pix enter their roost. because they are ac-
customed to being picked out for chop
block when strange gentlemen enter thus
ly. Hon. Tewthpik Pasha he look over
these Brothers, thinking which would do.
niggerly brothers. All of them looks like
the son Of king-some of them even
worse. Many of them is named after IA
nous brands Of Turkish cigarettes, which
is sure symptom of royal blood. At
last he see one short. fatty Prince with a
mild face like Tammany police judge.
Gen. Tewthpik pasha are struck at once
by this vacant gentleman, whose express
sion resembles a Turkish paste.
Name, if any?' require Gen. Tewth-
pix.
'Mohammed Shad Offensif, reply this
future Sultan
by the Rug of the Prophet rejoy
Hon. Tewthpik. you are nearly chosen.
Are you in any way related to Abdul the
Darned. late Old Bird of Turkey?
"'By one Of my mothers he was my
brother say Hon. Shad.
What qualifications you got to be a
King Of Constitutional Monarchy?'
"'Plenty.' report Hon. shad. I am ig-
habits. I have been married times and
and am addicted to appepetic fits
"'By the Mosque Of Backsheesh. thou
art the man" say Gen. Tewthpik. rev.
erently. So he take Mahommed Shad
Onensif round the corner. buy him new
suit Of clothes & proceed. midst the plod
dts Of the multitude, to the Yiddish
Kiosk. where Hon. Shad are declared
Commander of the Faithful, Collector Of
the Porte. Right Hand Of Allah, Proprie-
tor OF Earth. Majority Stakeholder Of the
Universe and anything else he cares 20
call himself. SO long as he behave & co
not run up too many bills"
''Are not this Mohammed Shad pretty
dull person." I ask-it.
"A dull Sultan are just what Turkey
require" snuggest Strunsky. Trouble
with Uncle Abe was; he were too bright
to be king Of Constitutional Mon
archy. A Sultan are supposed to be a
Tyrant. ana Uncle Abe only done his duty
well. He have carved the Turkies, boiled
the Armenians, toasted missionaries &
lied in Is European languages. Could Cas-
tro do more? No. Uncle have not been
any " way Tyrant And yet what he get
for this effort & hard work in his old age?
He get thanklus remarks from all news
papers. He get foot-boost from throne
midst Of heartfelt curses Of every Muscle
man & Mad Mollusc what once adored
him for his graft. After a life of honest
Evening star., 1909-05-23

OF them had a whisker to his name.
When Washington crossed on the ice.
thereby beating Eliza to it by seventy
years, there were fourteen soldiers in the
same nine foot rowboat with him, all
with bloody bandages around their
Evening star., 1909-05-23

result? Why, the country split up SO
fine that 1t took four years of fighting
to get the scraps reassembled.
"Yes, Larry, north and south, the
youth and chivalry Of the land succumbed
to the infuriating chin whisker and ere
Evening star., 1909-05-23

AIRY" said the
Hotel Clerk Of the
st. Reckless to his
re gular audience,
the House Detec-
tive, "have you eve-
thought of growing
whiskers?"
The House De-
tectiye careSsed a
square and blu e.
Evening star., 1909-05-23

long the southern smilaxes and the Span
ish MOSES of Dixie land were at the
throats of the trailing arbutuses and the
human honeysuckle arbors of the north,
and vice versa. Look at any daguerreo-
type dating back to those dear old haired
over days Of 1850 and see If I'm not
right. The classiest dresser of that pc
riod was the party who could sprout him.
self into the closest imitation Of an i'm
penetrable forest, seen through heavy
drizzle of brilliantine. Peace was never
restored to our distracted land until the
bayonet wore out and the razor again
came into its own.
"Since then. inch by inch, we've been
driving the chin whisker back to its lair.
It's still Haunting itself In communities
where people eat their scrambled eggs
for breakfast with hurried overland
stroke. and want to save the shirt front.
and where the necktie is yet regarded as
an expensive luxury. But in the great
Evening star., 1909-05-23
THE YOUNG TURKIES
AND THE OLD BIRD
(Wallace Irwin).

Copyright 1909. by =. F. Collier & SOM
To Editor Sunday Star. who print all the
names of them hard Turkish Generals
& spells many of them right:
Hon Mr.. Sir:
Evening star., 1909-05-23

centers of civilization we've got 1t on the
run, for, no matter what others may say.
l would attribute the downfall Of Clip and
Alb to popular displeasure with the way
"But what looks to me like the surest
Evening star., 1909-05-23

sign Of it's doom is the fact that the chin
whisker has got to be comedy stuff. Some
people think a pair of white spats worn
by the family lawyer are the most COM
ical thing known, and some insist that
there's no comedy value like red ban
danna handkerchief pinned to the coat
tails of an eccentric rube character; but
the best authorities on the drama are
beginning to agree that for sure fire COM
edy the chin whsker, particularly the
magenta or cerese whsker, is even more
humorous than line about Oshkosh or
Kalamazoo, and has always been re-
garded as the funniest there is.
$50 now, when no up-to-date comedy
production is complete without its set
of pink chin whiskers. 1 look to see the
whisker disappear from everyday life al
together"
"Why so?" asked the House Detective.
Because" said the Hotel Clerk. II no
tice when a thing gets very common On
the stage 1t ceases to be common any.
where else"
The Montgomery advertiser., 1909-06-17

then the divorce court. and then am
other marriage. ana so on. In sort OF
arithmetical progression. To them the
Institution OF marriage has no sacred
ness. and the marriage vows no bind
ing force. Getting married and get
ting unmarried have about equal sig
niicance with them.
That IL what Mark meant by marry
ing to excess. and that was what he
was warning the girls against. To him
marriage means a lifelong obligation.
not to be lightly entered into and not
TO be lightly disrcgarded. What he
meant to convey 10 his listeners was
the Importance OF marrying for a life
time, and not during the pleasure or
inclination Of either party. when q
woman once gets into the habit OF
marrying" says an observant contem-
porary, 1T IL something awful. It hits
her forty ways" That's It: the habit
Of marrying. Some of the actress folks
have the habit and seem unable to
shake 1t OF. Some women who are not
actresses are in the same category.
They get married SO often that there
is no novelty in 1t. And so. with
Twain we say to the girls: DO pot
marry to excess.
The Montgomery advertiser., 1909-06-17
ALL RIGHT, hut HOWE

"The only re-shaping OF Democratic
policies necessary Is to shake off those
policies which are not Democratic"
oracularly declares The Jacksonville
Times-Union. That is all very we'll.
and the only thing necessary to carry
out that program is to find an authori-
tative definition of what are Democrat
10 policies. There Is so much discus
sion of late as to what is and is not
Democratic that we are beginning to
believe that nothing but Solomonian
wisdom can settle the question. The
time has been when Democracy was
something real tangible. plain and un-
derstandabie, but 1t seems that such
has ceased to be the Case.
Even the tariff has ceased to be a
distinctive party issue and IL there Ia
any one subject on which Democrats
should be practical unit that is the
one. For many years a tariff for rev.
enue-incidentai protection being I'M
derstood-has been distinctively
Democratic doctrine. The leaders of
the party have advocated 1t and the
national platforms have contained It
as one OF the party's inalienable as
sets. A national platform without a
declaration in favor of a tarin for
revenue would have been looked on as
a badly emasculated declaration or
enunciation of Democratic principles
But Democracy seems to have fallen
on evil times of late. 1t might be go
ing too far to say that the glory OF
Democracy has departed. but It Ia not
too much to say that IL we Judge by
the proceedings In the extra session
OF Congress It has ceased to be the
power IL once was and should still be,
and all because Democratic Congress-
men seem to be at sea on this issue
Even Southern Democrats, who of all
others should feel bound as with hooks
OF steel to the principle of revenue tar
iff seem hopelessly divided. There In
apparently such a multiplicity OF In,
terests among the members that there
appears to be no solidarity among them
on the question and little hope of any
1t Is time when a solid front on the
old lines would not only be right, but
It would make the Democratic party a
power in the land and put the Repub-
licans on the defensive. Yes, the the
ory Of The Times-Union Ia sound, but
who will do the shakingf
The Montgomery advertiser., 1909-06-17
DENSE POPULATIONS.

New York World.
That the population of Berlin de-
clined 4,4l9 in 1908 is not surprising
result of financial depression.
Although the German empire has Ga
coo, 900 people in an area much smaller
than Texas, no part OF 1t is very dense.
ly peopled. The new Greater Berlin,
which is planned on an area more than
twice New York's, will not contain 80
many people. The center of densesi
population in Germany IL not Berlin
but Crefeld, but the industrial region
of Rhenish Prussia and Westphalta
does not contain more than 100000
people.
Belgium, with more than 100000
people in an area less than Maryland
is considered an example of extreme
density. She feeds 625 people TO the
square mile by the aid of vast manu-
featuring industries. Java, with 2s,-
600, 600 people in a space less than
Iowa, supports STA to the square mile
by agriculture alone. The inhabited
portion of Egypt supports by agricul-
ture nearly 1000 to the square mile
The Chinese Province of Kangsu Is
supposed to support S5,00o,00O people
in the area OF Illinois but there is nc
exact census. Still. the portion of the
province running from Shanghai tc
Canal and the Yangtsekiang River, ar
area like New Jerseys, Is one of the
three great hives of humanity known
to the world.
The other two are English and Amer
lean. A strip of 220 miles by forty
connecting London and the coast NORTH
of Liverpool contains in less than New
Hampshire's area more than 16,0O0,00C
people, nearly as many as Brazil oil
Spain. In the United States strip OF
$50 miles by forty whose central line
connects Boston and Washington con
tains nearly 100000 people in &
space rather more than third that Of
New York State.
This little strip of American soil in
cludes Providence and the Rhode Is
land valley towns, Hartford. New Ha
ven and the Connecticut manufactur'
ing centers. New York, Newark, Jersey
City, Trenton, Philadelphia and Balti
more. 1t has many ports and is grow
ing faster than any other important
population center of the world toward
undoubted primacy.