The Miller press. [volume] (Miller, S.D.) 190?-current, 1909-01-07
Copyright, by Bobbs-Merrill Coz
Author of Fables in Slang" etc.

Once upon a Time there was a
Hired Hand who felt that he was cut
out to be Somebody. Among the
Agriculturists he was said to be too
dosh-burned Toney because he wore
gloves when he Toiled and on Sundays
put on a slew of Agony, with sheet
iron Shoes pointed at the End and a
neat Derby purchased In Terry Hut.
Now this Freckled Swain, whose
name was Ransom, wanted to hop on
the Inter-Reuben and go tipping away
to see the Great World. He wanted
to live in a big Town where he would
not have to walk ON the Plowed
Ground and where he could get some
thing Good to Eat. He was tired of
the plain Vittles out on the Farm.
They very seldom had anything on
the Table except Chicken with Gravy,
Salt-Rising Bread, Milk, seven or eight
Vegetables, Crulls, Cookies, Apple
Butter, Whortleberry Pie, Light Bis
cult, Spare Ribs, Pigs Feet, Hickory
Nut Cake and such like. This thing
OF drawing up every A. M. to the same
old Lay Out Of homemade Sausage,
Buckwheat Cakes, Recent Eggs, Fried
Mush and Mothers Coffee was begin
ming to wear on him. Often he
dreamt of being in the Metropolis,
where he could get an Oyster Stew,
Sardines, and Ice Cream in the Win
ter Time.
At last his Dream came out of the
Box. He went up to the City to at
tend a Law School and found himself
domiciled in a Refined Joint that was
a cross between a Salon and a Bean
cry. 1t was one of those Regular
Places kept by a thin Lady who had
once ridden in her Own Carriage.
Her Long Suit was Home Atmosphere.
She had the Railways filled with it.
| What is more, she came from an Old
Family. Lord CORVALLIS once stopped
at their House to get a Drink of
Water and George Washington came
very near sleeping in one of the Bed
Rooms. So that made the Board
about so cents more on the Week.
Like all high-class Boarding Houses,
it was infested by some Lovely Peo-
pie. There was the girl who spelled
it Edythe and was having her voice
done over. She had a Mother to keen
Cases on her and do the Press Work.
Also there was the G"ass Widow who
remembered her husbands name but
had mislaid the Address. Also the
Old BCarder who was always under
the influence of Pepsin. He would
come down to Breakfast wearing the
Hoof-Marks of a Nightmare Seventeen
Hands high and boiler about the Food
and tell the Young Lawyer how you
can't believe anything you see in the
Fapers Also there was a young man
employed in a Furniture Store who
knew that he could put Eddie Sothern
on the Fritz If he ever got a Whack
at the Drama. Unless some one got
out an Injunction he would recite
Poes Raven" while Edythe played
Chills and Fever music on the Once.
Piano. So the Astute Reader will un-
derstand that this was a sure enough
Boarding House.
Ranse could have stood for the In
tellectual Environment If there had
been a little more doing In the Food
Line. Instead of stacking it I'D on the
Table and giving the word to Pitch
In, the Refined Landlady had It
brought on in stingy little Dabs by
several Beautiful Heiresses who hated
10 hold Converse with Ordinary
Boarders. About the time that Ranse,
with the Farm Appetite, began to SET
Tie DOWN to Business he would notice
all the other People rolling up the Red
napkins and trying to get them into
the Rings. If he kept on eating after
that' they would give him the Eye.
Cereals were strongly featured at
the polite P%runery. Ransom, while
employed on the Farm, had often
mixed up Chop Feed and Bran for the
Shoats and Yearlings, but he never
thought he would come down to eating
1t himself. Another Strong Card was
a Soup that was quite Pale and had
a couple Of Vermicelli swimming
around In it. And every Tuesday
they served Dried Currants with
SiiuheTs IN tnem.
Before Ranse had been against the
Health Food Proposition many moons
he began to banker for the yellow.
legged Plymouth Rocks, the golden
Butter and the kind OF milk that
comes from the Cow-take a Tin Gun
and go right out to the Spring House
dip 1t up for yourself. Poor, Ell?
Still, be figured that as soon as he
got into Practice and began to con.
meet with the Currency he could shake
the oatmeaE Circuit and put up at an
Al Hotel.
Like all the other Country Bows of
the Story Books, Ransom made a
Ten-Strfke in the City. He worked 1s
hours per and in Due Time he was
taken into the Firm and stopped shaw.
ing his Neck and wore Pajamas in.
stead of a homemade Nightie.f
Then he moved into a Hotel that
had $4,000 worth of Paintings on the
First Floor, SO that no one had a
right to kick v e If the Push Button
failed to work, All the Furniture was
Louie Something. You take an ex.
Farmland and let him sit in a Gold
Chair with Satin Monogram that is
too Nice to lean against, and you can
see at a Glance that he Is Sure IN.
joying himself. Ranse now began TO
go against the a la Carte Gag. The
| Menu was n~renared nv a ear-Fr