The farmer and mechanic. [volume] (Raleigh, N.C.) 18??-19??, 1909-10-19
MORE ABOUT THE COLONIES.
\ ruler Explanation of What a
Four Ginger Colonel Is

- Will I1do1
etc, which this paper was kind
enough to print, | had occasion to an
sWer that burning question VIVA is
a Colonel?" This paper, quoting very
nigh authority had defined a Colonel
to be a male nhabitant Of Texas or
Kentucky. I craved leave to suggest
that while the definition was good as
lar as it went, it did not go quite far
enough, and that a Colonel was real
ly a male inhabitant of Texas, Ken
lucky Cor Of one Of q few other States)
VIC loved good liquor.
Strange to say, scarcely had the pa
per containing that squib of mine
dropped from the press than here
came an avalanche of letters anent
1t; some praising, some dispraising.
but each and all backed to me as
Colonel If anybody that knew me
failed to white, he in person hailed me
and not one omitted that title. Ar
temas Ward used to wonder how the
astronomers ever found out the
names Of the stars, they are so far
off. How in the world did all my
friends and acquaintance. far and
near find out that [ was a Colonel,
and why were they 50 unanimous
about it and so Simultaneous. How
passing strange it was that greatness
should thus be thrust upon me viva
Voce. What a WondrOus feat OF tele-
pathy worthy, methinks Of being re-
poi y W AIi- oN&oo oAAN - oAo9y
club.
But enough of that puzzling matter.
Now, as to Colonies proper again: I
have just been c~onfidentially inform
ed that in my definition of what a
Colonel is. l left out the main ingredi-
ent; to-wit, poker. This | deny, most
emphatically denyi know many Col
OnelS who measure fully up to the
aforesaid requirements, genuine four
finger Colonies. who do not play pO-
ker-who never did play poker-they
stick to ~SeSen-up.
Now, as a few of your more ignor-
ant readers may not know exactly
what a f~our-fnger Colonel is, [ had
better explain. Your four-finger Col
onel, your standard Colonel, is one
whose minimum nip stands four fingers
deep in the glass. Ergo: girding the
| glass with his four fingers, (the port
lier the girth OF the glass the better),
he holds it up to the light and shuts
one eye. Then adjusting his fingers
till he can see enough daylight be
tween them and the bottom, he piles
up the joyful till he cannot see too
much daylight between them and
the top. Then he clears his throat,
looks solemn, and does as all Colonies
do.
Colonies we shall have with us as
long as the human sullet is draught-
ridden. True also there were of YOre
Colonels and Colonies. But the Colo
mel. the genuine, Simon Pure, old
time Colonel. of the past is a vanish
ing figure. The NAV OF ObliVian even
now yaWns for the whole tribe Of
them. and remorseless Time Will soon
feed them to her. h grandest type
of all, the supreme product Of Colonel
hood, to wit, the Colonel who parted
his hair behind, is already no more
Time was when he possessed the
earth; but now he is quite extinct,
high boot heels, red silk bandana
handkerchief, pocket buckeye tOted
for rheumatism) corn-cob s~toppered
lug and observation-disclosures as he
dOdo or the Republican tariff pledgeS.
And alack the day when the last
one of the genuine old time Colonies
fields himself prisoner to that fell
serpent who is so strict in his arrests.
Woe worth the day when the grass
grows over the last of their generous
old hearts. For the world Will be In
fnitely poorer for their loss. True
cold water might not have ranked
over high with him as a beverage.
True. he might have been d tritle Wa
terry about the eyes and that the I'M
regenerate SWOre that when his jug
was full they could tell the time o'day
bv the deepening flush OF his nose.
True it was said that under sufficient
~provocation he found it easier to
break the third commandment than
to keep it. Nor would [ deny that it
was rumored that he studied cards
more than creeds and that he was
handler with the Deck" than with his
DacaIOe1e. Or that it was limited that
he knew the path to the mint bed
better than the one to the Meeting
House. In a word, that he may have
been more given to spirituOus than to
spiritual refreshments Truth ais
compels me to confess that he some
times ate with his knife and wiped
his mouth CATER nips) on his coat
fail which were, Of course the worst
offences of all, quite u~nforgivable sins
both, I Well know.
But barring the last two helnous
.,;uec 1he knife eating and mouth
-:.a dare we match faults With