The Birmingham age-herald., 1909-08-15
SORRY FOR THE
 OTHER FELLOW MournfuI Condolences to Man
 Who Doesn't Drink BY MEN WHO DO DRINK Each Certain That Ills chum Is Drink Ing Himself to Death-KlndIy
 Remarks by Men Blind to
 Their Own Falling.
BY MEN WHO DO DRINK

fFoIn the NeW l orK sun.
 '"The thing that twists itself around my | thorax." said man who doesn't drink at all. Ifs the way these rum battlers talk about each other. I'm raving this way on account Of some varied messes of talk that were waited at me when I dropped in yesterday afternoon for a see and hear session at the Ka-nick. under the loomful sign of or King Cole
 When blew in there found a couple of rather classy gooks that knew lean ing against the breast-high barrier. lick ing up high things. grabbing for the checks as they came out of the hopper and exchanging intimate condolences. They handed me the cordial invite to kick in, and so I did.
 "Both of 'em were talking in a way that showed they'd beat me to the place by couple of hours. That's saying that they both were pretty middlin' ripe april l cots. While drank one vichy and milk they each hurled three disguised liver scorchers into their daphgrams, cugser- | muggered some more on very close per sonal topics and then one of them said he'd have to run out to his office for @ | minute, but would be right back. JAS soon as he was out of the door | the one who stuck around turned a pair of mournful chops as if he'd Just heard | by wireless that his bank balance was es bucks worse than zero. Cheer up, party felt impelled to say to him after he'd gone on shaking his bean that way for a minute or two 1t hn haA job as street cleaner. you know, if l you can get a line on the Big Four Poor old glug-poor rummy, all in old glug,' was the rebate he slipped me in a tone that sounded like somebody muttering in empty rain barrel.
 ".Poor who?' said to him. Give me look-in on this. Our act is wabblinR now. Who's poorT
 "'Why, Jim,' said he sepulchraIly. naming his buddy who'd just run out for a minute. Poor old Jim-too bad. too bad and he heaved a sigh that came from down around his oxfords, took an- other gulp out of his glass to ameliorate his grief. and began on that conk shak- ing thing again. q
 !" Say. look a-here, mister mysterious mourner,' said I to him then, is this some new kind of a cutout game that you're pulling or what? What makes Jim poor? How long has he been poor? And if he's poor, how about the rest of us? Hurry up, now! Shoot! If it's a laugh uncoil it.
 ''This time he staked me to the plugged antelope gaze Most reproachful gaze you ever saw. Then he said:
 Say, dye mean to stand there and l dish 1t at me that you don't know that poor old Jim is drinking himself to
 death?'
 "Uh-huh Just like that And, examin- 1 ing him closely, could see that he didn't 1 mean It for wheeze, either Meant 1t 1 for the real Joe Humphries stuff And l while he was getting that out of his torso, mind you, the 100 proof stuff was stand | ing out in concentrated beads on his fore head and he was nodding to the barkeep to mingle him another one of the same Drinking himself to death, hey?' said 1 l, pumping for a better line on the mys- tery. Jim is, is he? How longs he been l doing that?
 "'oh, quit that Peoria knockabout stuf,' he said to me, fin a real reprovinr l tone. Quit It. Are you trying to lri5 l mel?
 "I told him that I wasn't at all. Told l him that I hadn't an idea on earth tbat Jim was nudging himself toward a cash in by the lick 1t up route Say, you're one of these deep einl,s and you're getting worse at 1t all the V. body from Thirteenth street to the Parl Is hep that poor old Jim-one of the best feilers on the main line, too-has been arranging for a pickle finish for the last half year.
 " Nobody understands it. It's a puzzle to all hands. But he stumbles along. day in and day out leaning up against tha old stuff, not like human being. won know. but like Cherokee with a lot of new government money, and of course he won't be able to stick around much longer the way he's rapping it.
 "'Gosh, the stun poor old Jim does insert under his pelt in the course of inc lunar day! Oh. well. oh, well. and he shook his head some more and staked himself to some more gulps out of his frosted glass and looked goomier than ever over 1t.
 Just then poor old Jim came gallop- ping back from his office and joined us again. He had apparently gone to his office to put his head under the cold wa ter faucet, for he looked as fresh as daisy and he promptly encircled two of the things he'd been nibbling on before he made his little getaway. After a few minutes buzzing the one who'd been so sad about Jim gave a peek at his watch. said something about phoning the spouse and beat 1t.
 His back was hardly turned on us before poor old Jim's features began to warp into an expression of the deepest dejection. and the first thing I knew he too was shaking his conk from side to side like somebody that has just been told by a stomach specialist that there isn't any hope.
 Well, was jerry by this time, and I beat him to it.
 Dye feel so sorry as all that about it?' said to him, to draw him along.
 '1e shot me a quick look of scrutiny
 "TWell, why wouldn't I?' said he in the same sarcaphagus voice that had been used by the other only a few minutes before. Why wouldn't l. hey? Hank and have been clubbing around together, off and on, for-lemme see-oh, for IA years, that's all. Why wouldn't I feel sorry and things?
 ''I did feeding number then by pulling the silence thing, and he went on shak- ing his bean and muttering
 Say said he, I'll bet poor old Hanks liver is as big as a six thousand dollar jardiniere, if not bigger. and about 19 times harder. Why wouldn't 1t. the way he dredges into the stuff? Hey?'
 ''I took to the headshaking stuff myself then, just to give him chance to go through with it.
 "'And the poor old pickle won't listen to anybody, that's the worst of it. he went on, still in that mufrled dismal way. All of the bunch have taken thsiy turns herding Hank up into a corner and trying to show him that he couldn't drtnk