The Birmingham age-herald., 1909-09-05
THE HOTEL CLERK ON
 OUR LANDED GENTRY
BY IRWIN S. COBB.

have been owning the land in question
 for as long as seven or eight years.
 "It's a fine thing too and we ought to be proud of it as a new institution. It's not every country that could pro- duce a landed gentry in such a short space of time. Here most of us are only about two generations ahead of an ancestor who eased his coffee into himself from the saucer, yet We now have a race of superior beings in our midst who have learned to call their servants by their last names and make the native peasantry of the soil climb a tree when they come by In their touring cars. I haven't learned yet to touch my hat when one of them speaks to me, but I suppose that'll come in time. I also have feeling that if naughty youth of the ruling classes should address me as his good man I'd probably take off my coat and show him I was not only good man but the better man of the two. But that Is merely the old prejudice dying finger ing in me. l presume I'll get over It in time.
 "It'll be fine and nutritious for those new census enumerators that the Pres ident has been appointing when they start out with their little books under their arms, and their lead pencils all sharpened up Manner Jones, the census lad says to the aristocrat, 'Fttzsnob von Squirtt.' says the other in bored tone of voice. Born" says the man from the government. TO be sure says the MT. von Squirt in refined surprise. If I hadn't been born how else would I be here? 'Age?' says Jones. I'll ask my man.. says von Squirt, he keeps track of those details for me- 'Busi- ness?' says lone. Certainly not says von Squirt drawing himself up to hls full eight of five feet, one and quar- ter, and tapping the end of mono grammed cigarette on a gold cigarette case with a petulent gesture. I mean what do you do for a livingT says Jones' I don't do anything says von Squirt. pushing his handkerchief fur ther up his left cuff as a sign of grow ing annoyance. It Is all done for me. [ belong, my good fellow. to the landed gentry 'Ah hah, see.' says Jones in his course common way. Any relation to Gentry's Dog Show? and then tn ey'll call the under footman and the second man and throw him off the terrace.
 But I'd love dearly to see the total figures on the landed gentry class when they get the census all made up. It ought to make gratifying reading as showing what the soil of America can do in a comparatively short space of time. It ought to fill our bosoms with pride, Larry, to know that in this coun- try, which only few centuries ago was bowling wilderness, and is still doing quite a little bowling in spots, such as when the E1ks hold convention or Taft appoints democrat to office in Texas, should produce a bunch that will favor ably compare with anything the older civilizations of Europe have been able to evolve ours being just foolish as theirs, and just as useless, except, as have stated, for amusement purposes and, ohi ever so much wealthier.
 "Jus think of it for a minute! Great grandfather laid the foundation of the family greatness with an ax and chisel,
 using one to hew a fortune out of the forest primeval and the other to chisel the Indians out of anything of value they might have. Grandfather quit bath ing when the regular bathing season end- ed which was early in October; believed that a bird in the hand was worth any l number in the bush. if the bird hap pened to be the kind that grew on an | iron dollar: named the oldest boy Henry | Clay, and ate his chewing tobacco on | the ear Grandmother smoked a pipe, | believed in infant damnation and the eff | hcacy of herb tea in the spring of the year-and did her own work. Father got | in right with the family fortunes on rail- | roads or coal oil and now the son be- I longs to the Landed Gentry of North ! America and has absolutely nothing on | his mind. with estates stretching all | the way from Palm Beach to Nova Sco- | tia, and a brain like a tube of library paste that somebody. in a careless mo- l ment, has stepped on."
 Well, it takes all kind of people to | make a world" said the House De- l tective.
 "There's one or two kinds could spare and never notice the loss," said the Ho- | tel Clerk.