The Press., 1909-05-12
HUMoRlsT's ODD GRAMMAR.
Captain Derby Provided Literally FoI
 Figurative ExpressjoE1.

Captain Derby Provided Literally For
 Fisurative Expression.
 Among the pieces which made up the quaint output of Captain Derby. whose too early death deprived Amert- ca of one of the most original humor- lsts, was one entitled ''A New System of English Grammar" It seems never to have attracted much attention; but, though there are in the volume con- taining 1t articles more broadly anus ing, there are none in which wit and wisdom are more fully blended. After the lapse of years the exact words and the particular illustrations employed escape me in part, but the line of req soning adopted will not vary material ly from what is about to be given.
 The humOrist proposed to have all descriptions and epIthets marked on a sufficient scale of comparison-not the beggarly three to which we are now limited, but to number large enough to indicate every variation of charac- ter in the object under consideration and every possible degree of human conception in regard to its nature. The lowest conceivable amount of any hu- man quality consistent with it's being at all would be indicated by 1. It's maximum would be represented by 100. Here, then, would be a wide range between the perfection of the idea expressed by the one number and it's bare existence merely implied by the other, as well as the feelings of the speaker about it. in which all shades of thought and feeling would be f1t- tingly represented. By prefxing to each epithet a figure between 1-.and 100 the precise truth in regard to it as 1t appears to him uttering it would be conveyed to him hearing 1t. For ex- ample, you are asked about your health. Instead of replying pretty well. tolerably we'll, very we'll or some other ambiguous expression, you would say, bearing in mind that 100 indicates perfect health, am 15, or 50, or 75, or 90 well. or any other number, as the case may be. By this means the in- Quirer learns definitely what he wants to know. He has not been put off with formulas of speech whose general ap- plicability to different conditions of bodily health conveys nothing precise to the mind. The moment this meth cd of expression comes into general use we shall speedily become exact. mathematical. truth telling in the high est degree.
 How well the rule would work can be best illustrated by the narrative of a simple incident of news communicat- ed by man to his friend in some such words as these:
 ''On q 70 fine morning was 55 slowly walking down the 83 clean ave nue when I chanced to meet the p young and 85 charming Miss Smith, about whom you ask. We at once ex- changed the 91 usual meteorological observation. It Is 76 beautiful day. I remarked. Indeed, 1t Is a o5 beauti- ful day. she replied, and am 97 glad to have met you. for it is a 99 long time since have seen yOu.' felt 77 dattered by words like these coming from 79 lovely girl, but proceeded to make the Fl usual inquiries about her health, for l knew that on that point you had been 89 anxious. She told me in reply that 1t had been 78 poor, but she was 1O0a glad to say that it was now S7 good" Professor J. B. Louns- bury in Harper's Magazine. ..,ss =