The Topeka state journal., 1909-03-10
UNCLE sIL4As HE SAYS.
It's All in Knowing When Not to
Butt In.

] reached the age of sixteen wears
thousands of boys have done this very
! thlng' but 1t will seem to you to be a
terrlhc event. For an hour or so you
VIII look for the millpond to run dry
OF the nils to rent apart, but as moth
| ing OF the kind happens you'll simply
settle down to the belief that YOU
know fen times as much as your father
and mother combined, and that the
DUTY of bossing the ranch devolves
upon you.
Right here is where YOU shouIdn,t
putt in, but you are sure to do it,
1ou'H wear your hat on your ear step
hlsh and invite the old man to come
out to the barn with you and get a few
pointers as to the way he should run
business What follows will give YOU
pam but be benefit to you in the end
If you could invent some sort of a
patent to carry you along for a year
Wlthout your thinking you knew it all.
and without having to have it whaled
out of you, the machine would go off
like hot cakes
At about the age of eighteen you'll
suddenly find yourself siding up to
girl of about the same age. She'll
have way of winking or walking or
laughing or talking that will set love
10 ouDbl1ng in your heart, and before
you know it you'll be wanting to die
for her Right here is where you
don't want to butt in. Her parents as
we'll as yours will say SO, and you'll
think of running away and lots of
other foolish things. Somewhere with
in ten miles of you you could probably
find justice of the peace jackass
enough to marry two children if he
got couple of dollars for it, but hang
on to yourself. This is only your first
case of love, and you are certain to
have three or four more before you
get married. The girl may threaten
suicide, but after her mother has ad-
ministered spanking or two she'll
see things in a different light.
At nineteen you'll be in love again
and wondering how you ever loved be-
fore. Chew dried pumpkin to keep
the feeling down, and don't butt in
yet.
At twenty your third experience will
be due. You'll write a love letter to
the girl every day in the week. and
you'll find yourself looking around for
sonnetS and poems to cut out and en-
close. Wherever she makes tracks in
the mud you'll feel like covering them
up so that no COW or hog can profane
them with hoof, and if she happens to
be taken with the chicken-pox you
will grow SO thin and wan in four days
that your mother will insist on your
soaking your feet and drinking catnip
tea.
It'll come hard, my son-it'll come
hard, but don't butt in. You have
loved, but you haven't given the sub
ject of matrimony a thought There's
something beyond girlish romp and
giggle in matrimony. There's going to
be a house to take care of and
children to bring up, and the wife who
isn't a helpmate is no wife at all.
Between the ages of fifteen and
twenty you'll have spells of long
ing to be a hero. Your father never
was a hero and has managed to get
along very well, but you won't stop
to think of that. You'll just be work
iv,rr I1al =
hero business. and some day it will
occur to you to go over the milI-dam
in a slziff, sass a tin peddler or try to
twist a bulls head off by seizing him
by the horns. Pause a little while be-
fore you butt in. In going over mill
dam you are bound to get wet, and
no soppy young man with his feet
squashing around in his shoes is ever
looked upon as the real thing.
There are tin peddlars who won't
take sass from a Smart Aleck, and you
might get a couple of black eyes. They
are not ornaments They need ex-
planning a dozen times a day. They
hang on for about two weeks, no mat
ter how often you change the raw
beef. Nineteen bulls out of every
twenty object to having their necks
twisted, and some have been known to /
resent the process by elevating the
hero business slide, my boy. Don't !
even tackle the bees.
During the interval between the |
ages named you will hear many re- !
ligious and political discussions be- |
tween men as old as your father. You
will naturally ache to butt in, but don't |
do it. You may announce that after |
long and patient deliberation you have
concluded that Jonah was not swal- |
lowed by a whale, but the conc1u- |
sions of your hearers will be that you |
are too fresh instead of too wise.
You can announce from the grocery |
steps that you have devoted a year to |
studying the principles of the political |
parties, and have finally concluded to
ally yourself with this or that one, but
don't expect Uncle Sam to lay down
his bundle and go out of business the
same night. Your butting in won't
as a hairs breadth. Better save your
wind to drive hog out of the garden.
Opportunities will constantly pre-
sent themselves to you to butt in, no
matter what occupation you take up
or where you live. One day they
raised a flag pole in the village where
nv uncle Joe lived. Some said it was
forty-five feet high, and some said
fifty My Uncle had the reputation OF
being a wise man, and was looked up
to and respected. He was asked to
name the height of the pole, and in
stead of passing along he butted IN
and called it thirty-nine feet Then
Fhev measured the pole and found 1t to
be fifty. From that day and date my
Uncle began to lose prestige, and 1T
wasn't a year before he was down and
out.
knew a man who built UP great
by correctly guessing the
weight of hogs. Out of thousand
yuesses he wasn't two pounds out in
anv case He'd got up to the paint
where he had the front pew in church
and a seat on the platform when the
Declaration of Independence was be-
ing read on the Fourth of July, when
4 man came along with Jackass.