davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1909-10-13
A Scots Lament.

There was a canny Scotsman who
had three sons, Of whom he was very
proud-one a lawyer, one a doctor and
II a minister. He was telling an old
crony about it n day. He said, IF
I had known that l was to be the
father Of three such fine boys-a doc
tor, a lawyer and a ministerial V
have had Jennie McCosh for a wife,"
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1909-10-13
Love-.

Love came at dawn. when all the world
was fair,
When CRIMSON glories bloomed and
songs were rife;
Love came at dawn. when homes wings
famed the air
n murmured, II am life."
Love came at even, when the day was
done,
When heart and brain were tired and
slumber pressed;
Love came at eve. shut out the sinking
sun
And whispered, II am rest"
W.. Wilfred Campbell.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1909-10-13
Not Like Him.

The vicar-I'm surprised at you,
Miggs. Why. look at me-. l can 60
into the town without coming back in
toxicated. Miggs-Yesh, EUR. But OF
be 80 popular.-London Telegraph.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1909-10-13
Wanted Sympathv.


To the leader Of a band in a small
city, jocularly spoken of in its locality
as 1.-THE worst in seven different states
there once came a man with q request
that the band play at a cousins fu-
neral.
"Is it a military funeral?" asked the
leader.
"Not at ALL" was the reply. MY
cousin was no military man. In fact,
he was eve even interested in mat
ters military. Nevertheless it was his
express wish that your band should
play at his funeral"
The leader was surprised and fiat
tered. els that SOP" he asked.
"Yes," responded the other. HE
said he wanted everybody in town to
be sorry that he died."
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1909-10-13
Tho River Press,

Subscribe now for the WEEKLY Rlv.
Err PRESS. Send it to ''the old folks
at home"
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24

strainingly, what is the trouble? OF
course that coat wrinkles when you
twist yourself up like that"
Cant you see?" he stormed, "the
coats ruined! It's cut too low in the
neck, The shoulder lunches! Look at
the sag here! And the trousers are too
tight. That man a tailor? He ought
to be breaking stones!"
"Let me hold the mirror and you
stand still and take look" command
ed his wife.
He did so, and then coughed
It'll have to do for tonight" he
said. where's my hat? I'll bet it's
still packed away in moth-balls Oh,
did you get 1t down? 1t smells like a
drug shop. Aren't you dressed yet?
I'll go downstairs, and please hurry
up. Wonder where my overcoat is
UGH"
Coburn fell over the overcoat at the
bottom OF the stairs, and promptly
examined his new suit and shirt-front
for possible damages. His eye caught
the clock.
"Bess," he yelled "it's quarter Of
seven, We've Just fifteen minutes to
drive four miles! You've had the
whole afternoon to dress"
MY dear boy" said his wife. sweet
ly, you sit down and be quiet Now
that I've got you dressed, I'm going
to finish myself. That clock is half an
hour fast. l set it ahead, and the one
UP here, too. for l knew just how
It would be when you started getting
ready"
Coburn sat down to wait without
a word.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24
WORTH TRYING.
Observation-Disclosures

The terrible question, where shall
we spend the summer is again ramp
ant None the less terrible to the de
Gliding member of the family, perhaps
are the numerous best places in the
world" which are freely and sincerely
recommended. The man in the fol
lowing story had a good answer, &C
cording to a writer in the Philadelphia
Record.
81 see the railroads have been rails
ing rates again." remarked a commu,
ter to his companion as they came
into the city on Reading train.
Yes" replied his city friend, "but
luckily for me. it is not going to
affect my holidays any more than last
year, so l cannot complain"
"Oh, l heard you speaking about
your vacation last year-great place
l believer
'Yes, it was"
Good table?"
"Best in the world. Wasn't thing
l wanted I did not have"
'Pl6aSdnJ people!
Delightful, and the best of it was
It was so informal. We could do just
as we pleased
"Restful?"
'I should say so. Never was in {;
place I could rest better"
Beds good?"
Great! Private bath, too
"Ill bet it was expensive, thought
"On the contrary, it was the cheap
est holiday l ever had"
Goodness me, man, tell me where
it Isl"
The fortunate man drew card from
his case, wrote the name on it and
handed it to his friend, who read
Home"
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24
GOING OUT TO DINNER.


|
Mrs. Coburn had decided at the last
minute to go to town in the morning
with her husband. He fretted while
she got ready, and together they
rushed for the eisht-ffteen, only to
find themselves. much to Coburn's un-
acknowledged discontinue. in plenty
of time. His impatience he expressed
in a TRADE against the slowness of
women in dressing. and the unneces-
sary fuss they made about their
clothes. A writer in the Chicago News
tells the story.
"My dress suit comes home from the
tailor to-day" he said to his wife as
they parted. I'll get there at FIVE
thirty, so we can start for that dinner
in plenty of time. And, Bess, do start
to dress before the last minute
At twenty-five minutes to six Coburn
rang the bell furiously and long. The
maid and Mrs. Coburn arrived at the
door simultaneously.
Thought you'd never come" he
said, as he flung himself out of his
overcoat and dropped 1t on the stairs.
81 must have lost my latch-key. Did
the tailor send my suit?-oh, there's
the box Looks all right, but you
never can tell Where on earth are
my dress shirts? l haven't one in
sight"
lie paused as his wife took his
hands out of the bureau drawer. which
he was frantically paving from top
to bottom.
Not in there" she said That's
the drawer your socks and handker-
chiefs are kept in. Here they are"
OH" he exclaimed. slightly molli-
fed. Aren't you dressed yet, Bess?
| wish you'd put in the links and
buttons for me. And say, will you
hunt up my ties?
Ask Mary to see If the patent
leather polish is downstairs. will you.
and telephone Bill not to come out
this evening. ] forgot to tell him we
wouldn't be home!"
Mrs. Coburn. in her kimono, and
with her hairpins in her hands. flew
one way and Mary flew the other. The
roar of running water and mighty
splashings came from the bathroom.
You've got those buttons in
wrong!" he cried. presently. Still
in that kimono? You'll be late, sure
as fate!"
He emptied the tailor's box and pro-
ceeded to don his new clothes. A
groan brought Mrs. Coburn to find him
twisting his head round perilously and
staring into the mirror with an an
guished face.
Awful" he moaned. Give them
away-burn them up-they don't ft!"
Now. Harold" said his wife. re-
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24

He is patriot only when 1t Is absolutely convenient
political purposes. The power, the luxury the Or
entail love for concentrated and unemployed wealth
alone make the throne attractive The Sultan did no
little improve the of his country but travellers
insist that he did this reluctantly He undertook rail-
building because kept the soldiers-who did the
build s-busy and placed parts of the empire where
they could plot to little advantage. Western ideas en-
tered the country slowyand is proof of the Sultans
cunning that long opposed them for when European
thought did become widespread in Turkey 1t brought
about the fall of Abdul Hamid.-Toledo Blade
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24
A Disappointed Jury.

A South Missouri man recently wa.
tried on a charge of assault. The
State brought into court as the weap
ons used a rail, an ak. a pair of tongs
a saw and a rifle. The defendants
counsel exhibited as the other mans
weapons a scythe blade. a pitchfork, g
pistol and a hoe. The jury's verdict is
said to have been Resolved. That we
the jury, would have given one dollar
to have seen the fight
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24
Crushed.

Il suppose you know. barber" said
Percy, with a wink at the man in the
other chair, that the hair on a man
head grows at the rate of three millionths
of a yard in a second"
mo, | never heard that before" said
the barber, beating a tattoo on the strop
with his razor; but ] know there's a
spot on the back of your head where the
hair wouldn't grow as much as that in a
million years"
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24

The farmers life has cares and joys,
His work is long and hard and rough;
He slaves from dawn till after dark,
To raise and grow and own enough,
But there's a bright side to his life,
His sorrows he can always drown
When, with his team, he's hired to haul
A busted auto back to town.
Los Angeles Express
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24

"Do tell me, Pulsatilla," begged the girl
under the inverted waste basket the
secret of that wonderful blonde hair of
yours. 1t defies detection"
Il will" said the girl under the in
verted coal scuttle, ''if you won't tell
anybody else. l selected for my grand
mother and mother two women who haf
,air just like mine"
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24

Come away, children" said ,heir
mother. Run out in the yard and play"
"But we're watching papa lay the stair
carpet, mamma they answered.
II know it, but he's going to lay it
around the bend in the stairway pretty
soon, and | don't want you to hear the
language he will use.'--Chicago Tribune.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24

Lawyer (cross examining You testi-
fed that Miss Smythe was walking in
her sleep. How DO you know she was
asleep?
Witness-Wcl, a mouse ran across the
floor right in front of her and she never
even batted an eye.-Chicago Tribune.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24

Philanthropc Person with subscrip-
tion paper)-We are raising fund to
prosecute the white slavers. Can you
assist us?
Baseball Magnate-Sure I've just dis
posed of two of my players and got a
good cash price for them. Hundred dol
lars be enough ?-Chicago Tribune.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24

Colonel White-Your son is quite a
singer, isn't he. Busenbark? Brother
Busenbark-Yassah! Yassah! 'Bleeged
to yo' for akin. Dat boy, sab, am
suttingly de most malodorous culled
pusson in dis whole town.-Puck.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24

Little children are suffering every
day in the year with sprains, bruises,
cuts, bumps and burns. Hamlns Wiz
ard Oil is banishing these aches and
pains every day in the year, the world
over.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24
How the Trouble Started.

Estclle-I don't suppose you have
heard of it, but George and | are going
to be married some time next June.
Maybelle-Glad to know it, dear. Has
George heard of it yet?
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24
- Chronic.

"Away down in her heart" said the
boarding house philosopher, every wom-
an is pessimist. When any calamity
happens she always wants to know the
worst, and isn't happy until she hears
If
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24

Salesman Cat bookstore) Perhaps
this is what you are looking for. It's a
work entitled housekeeping Made
Easy" Tells you all about
Anxious Customer-No; we've got that.
Haven't you book called Moving Made
Easy"?-Chcago Tribune
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24
Suggestion for Young Wives

How do you tell bad eggs?" quer-
led the young housewife.
Il never told any," replied the fresh
grocery clerk; but, If | had anything
to tell bad egg, I'd break it gently
Christian Guardian.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24

$50 your wife is a suffragette? Why
does she want to vote?"
she doesn't want to vote" an
swered NJ Meekton. she wants to
make speeches Washington Star.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24
Hard to Choose.

Whom would you rather entertain?'
asks the philosopher of folly, "a per-
fectly stupid bore or clever fellow
who has just been abroad for the first
time7"
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24
why, Sure!

Tommy-Paw, what is concentrated
iye?
Mr.. Tucker-It's the short and and
ugly word. Tommy. Don't bother me-"
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24

easy cushion upon which to light in case of mshap
The plagers of the imperial palace at Yildz have
several interesting discoveries in the late Sultan
private affairs One of them is that it Abdul
Hamd's custom to keep large Of money in banks
broad using confidential agent to make the deposits.
German banks held no than 5000 000 Great Britain
and France have been his bankers, and a short time
ago the old placed his confidence in certain insti
tutions in New York.
The Eastern despot has in common with Presidents
Of Latin America, purely selfish interest in ruling.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24

eyes" said the retired auctioneer,
"that boy of mine is a chip off the old
block, with all the original bark on him; ;
he's spieer for a 5-cent theater. -
Chicago Tribune.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24
One Difference,

'Twixt prize ring and political
The difference is fair
The one in which men biff and bang
And spar and feint is square.
Kansas City Times.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24

First Passenger-Pardon me, but
would you mind loaning me your spec
tacles a moment?
Second Passenger-With pleasure,
cir.
First Passenger-Thanks, awfully,
and now, as you can no longer read
your newspaper, would you kindly pass
1t over to me?
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24
A short, Sad story,

Ny case went to the faculty,
There was some small dissension.
So first l waited In suspense
Then waited in suspension.
Yale Record
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24

Always shake in Aliens Foot Ease, a powder.
I cures hot, sweating, aching, swollen feet.
cures corns, ingrowing nails and bunions. At
I'll druggists and shoe stores, 25c Don't accept
my substitute Sample mail FREE. Address
Allen S. Olmsted, lie Roy, n. Y.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24

About the first thing a girl does
after she has been told she has a fine
figure is to have princesse dress made
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24

Among persons Of social standing gem
orally the world throughout, the average
age of marriage is at present, men 81
and women %.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24

"You say Grinder worker last sum,
mcr Just for fun
"Oh. no; just for funds ."-IIarvard
Jon)nnOn
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24

lays injustice caused by the search for taesmen
without prejudice Yet judges still forced to per
init attorneys to toll along in the same old rut, as
though it were a sacred way. week was spent
hunting Jurors for the Hams trial Five chosen,
after 1T citizens had been tedously crossexamned and
to secure two $50 additional talesmen had to be
called AS they expressed knowledge ABOUT
anything they were forthwith bundled off again. The
dreary old procedure should be made to yield to meth
cd that gets jury together expeditiously as in
Europe-or New Jersey.-New York Evening Post.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24
THE FAR-sEEING SULTAN.

BDUL HAMID must surely live-after he
shall have been hastened upon his final
abdication--in the minds of his country
men as the apotheosis of cunning. He has
been the John D. Rockefeller of Turkey,
playing not only the bold game for power
and wealth, but arranging for a safe and
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24

Mothers will find Mrs. Winslow's Soothing
syrup the b ct remedy to use lor their chiIdre.l
GuIlng The tee thing period.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24

er the infant death jumps up and there is hue
and cry the babies But the babies in greatest
need of care been lost before the work is
under way. The new plan is to give them proper
from the week of their arrival that they may be
fortified against the first descent of hot weather.
1t is beautiful and thorough going scheme and high
ly to be commended for its practical good But
II leaves an old fashioned rather gaspng know
what become of the duties of parenthood and just
why they should end with a birth certificate. 1t is,
however clear economic to allow children die
because the homes into which they unable.
from ignorance poverty to bring them to healthfu
maturity.-Brooklyn Eagle
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24

Some marriages are eye-openers. and
some others are eye-closerA
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24

IL every man got what he deserved
all the jails would be overcrowded
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24
PARENTAL DUTIES FORGOTTEN.

HE doctors say that most of the babies OF
the poor are quite as strong and healthy
at birth as any, but that the summer NOR
tality among them Is due to improper feed
ing and inadequate care. The babies born
in the spring who thus become frail sue
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24

in the United States fad. Certain writer's and
teachers the country became for time greatly in
in the subject, and the matter reached the
height of popularity when President Roosevelt in
dorsed IT, and it that time that Andrew Carnegie
was moved invest money in the progress
OF this much needed reform
And the fad has passed. Such newspapers and
journals adopted portion Of the changes advised
by Simped Spelling Board have dropped the most
of them and it not for the conscientious efforts
of the board to earn salaries and the continual flooding
newspapers and teachers with the literature setting
forth the changes which they allege desirable in
the spelling of English words the whole matter Of sim
plfed spelling would be forgotten the interest
once felt in the age of Ann.-Fort Worth Record.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24
THE ART OF JURY-MAKING.

HE American art Of jury-making was jest
and scandal even before The Gilded
Age" depicted Its technique, thirty-six
years ago. Not for day since have men
out of court ceased laughing at or bewail-
ing It's imbecilities or men in court been
ahla to restrain their anger over the de-
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24

People manage to keep all other fam
fly gossip private except when they
have been married more than once
This little history always leaks out.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24
THE sIMPLIF1ED SPELLING FAD.

rz.zrN NE of the silliest things that Andrew Car
"a I negie ever did with portion of those
surplus millions, upon the disbursement OF
- which depends his happy and peaceful
{yzRu deathbed was to permanently endow a
SSI4H simplded spelling board Smplifed spell
ing, like many another reform attempted
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1909-06-24
SCHOOL GARDEN WORK.

@@ HE school garden work of the past few
-" years has not only given the school build
ings themselves more attractive surround
- a ings but 1t has been the means OF de-
eEaTTZsNWA veloping in the children of pro-
lGESnSNH prietorship in the growing things, and OF
inspiring an embryonic civic spirit that
promises well for the Washington Of few years hence
It is impossible to estimate the benefits which the city
has gained from this work. modestly started and for
season or two conducted under discouragng difficulties
but Loyalty persisted in by the teachers until 1t has come
to be recognized of the important branches OF
school work The direction Of the childrens attention
on certain day to the Importance Of the vine as a
means of Improvement is in the line of wholesome edu
cation and every adult in the district should emulate
the example which the youngsters will set day after to-
morrow.-Washngton Star
The Dickinson press., 1909-11-06

health reforms which would
bring it all about, but in most
states, and in the nation, have
met almost constant Indifference
or antagonism from both legisla.
tive bodies and the people. This
was in part, because to the laity
medicine has always been an
occult, mystic science, and still
more because, until recent years,
ours has been a discordant pro
fession. This discord was il
small part between the different
systems of practice, but far
more between physicians com
peting for the same practice, and
was often fostered by their lay
friends. The same thing exist
ted in the clergy until recent
years, dividing the religious
world into hostile camps, and in
all the other isolated vocations;
lawyers alone living in the ag.
gregate and escaping this curse,
A few years ago we were
aroused to the enormity of this
evil, to it's baneful effects upon us
and the people, we banded our
selves together for it's exter
mination, probably never before
did a reform so sweep a profes'
sion, and, regardless of schools
or pathies, ours is rapidly be
coming one of the most harmo.
NOUS of callings. This discori
had existed so long, however
that it exerted a sentiment, ;
prejudice, if you will, agains'