The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1909-03-28
Gel. John sneed's Conversations on
Domestic Problems
BIZ cAsPER s. YosT.

ONSF EN- =. TOSis
When Colonel sneed dropped in TO
say Woodworking to his daughter.
young Mrs. Rollins. he was surprised
to find her in tears.
Why, what's the matter, honey?" he
inquired, with tender solicitude. Amy
thing wrong with the baby?'
No. papa the baby's all right" she
answered. wiping her face and dabbing
a little powder on her nose.
Nothing happened to William, 1
hope" ventured the colonel, little puz-
zled.
Mrs. Rollins Strengthened up and a
flash came into her eyes.
Yes, papa, if you must know ii.
something has happened to Will He
spent five minutes brushing his hair
this morning. he put on a red necktie.
and he's got a-got a new typewriter"
At this revelation of masculine du-
plicity, the colonel puckered up his lips
and drew down his eyebrows to hide the
twinkle he couldn't suppress.
Soho" he exclaimed, land that's the
way the land lies, is it? And you just
put two and two together and made
seven out of it, did you? Tut, tut, tut,
child; you mustn't let suspicious turn
your pretty nose red. First thing you
know you'll have your complexioned all
ruined. and that would never do. Fact
is, honey, you're barkin' up the wrong
tree. There's nothin' the matter with
Bill. l happen to know that he's got
particular engagement this morning,
and there's good reason why he wants
TO look little spruce. There's no pet
ticoats in the deal, my dear, and as to
the new typewriter, why she's old
enough to be your mother, and she's
got anywhere from three to seven chill
dren. / don't remember the exact num-
Der she told me, but ii was quite a
bunch"
But why" persisted Mrs. Rollins,
did he put on a red necktie?'
All, honey, you've got me there. I
never could understand why any man
should want to wear a red necktie at
any time. But lots of good fellows do.
and I've never been able to discover
that 1t had any bad effect on their NOR
ais Seriously, though, little girl you
mustn't get i'm the habit of putin two
and two together, as the sayin' goes.
Nine cases out of ten they add up
wrong, and it's d mighty poor kind of
figurin' anyhow.
Il s'pose you've heard about the sea
OF matrimony, haven't you? OF course
you have; but l don't reckon anybody
ever told you, not even your old daddy,
about the sUnken rocks. It's consider
able of d sea, you know. and there's lots
o. ships on it, all kinds o. ships, from
little catboats to battleships. and some
of them go sailin' over smooth water
all the time and some don't more than
get out O. one storm when another has
'em. It's such an uncertain sea that it's
wonderful how many vessels cross il in
safety; but there's lots Of wrecks, too
and most of the ships that's lost go to
pieces on these sunken rocks They
hide their ugly heads just under the
surface and nobody knows they're there
until the boat goes crashin' into 'em.
That's the worst part about 'em. II
they stood uD a little ways so a pilot
could see 'em he could steer around
EN-: but the sea where they are looks
just like it does anywhere else. and
there amt any lighthouse in the neigh
borhood to warn him.
Now, little girl, your ships gettin'
mighty close to these sunken rocks and
you'd better sheer off before somethin'
goes to pieces. I've been navigatfn'
around on this sea o. matrimony a pref
ty long while and I've seer, enough
wrecks to know just about where the
suspicion Rocks are located. That's the
name of 'em-the SUSPICION Rocks, and
the biggest and uglies. and meanest one
IN the bunch is the one they call Jeaf-
ousy. It's the one that's got the sharp
est points and cuts the biggest holes in !
the bottom of the ship and it's a thun-
dertn' good boat that can get away
from II without bein' so badly crippled
that the pumps have to be worked all
the rest of the trip to keep from goin'
down
''Of course, that's all Just alIegory.
honey, but there's more truth than poet
~ in ii, as they say down on the farm.
The hardest kind of an enemy to fight
is the one you don't know anything
about. and the worst thing that can
come between a husband and wife is
suspicion, for il always works in the
dark and seldom raises its head so YOU
can see il and get lick at 1t until it's
done its work. If 1 had my choice I'd
ten times rather have a woman with
frowsy hair and the rollin' pin habit
than one y no gets the notion in her
head that her husband is a devil of a
fellow when he's away from home and
weeps her eyes out over imaginary
wrongs. I'd know what to do with the
rollin pin-at least 1 could dodge it
but how're YOU goin' to dodge a thing
that you can't see or can't hear? Now.
William went off downtown this morn
Ing without a thought In his heart that
he'd done anything to worry you. and as
matter of fact he hadn't He didn't
know you were seem things that didn't
exist, and IL 1 hadn't dropped in and
set you right you'd kept on seem 'em.
and they'd have kept on CROWN bigger
and bigger in your mind until YOU
couldn't see anything else. Chances are
you wouldn't have said a word to him
until the poison had corroded all the
sweetness Of life, and il would then be
too late for antiotdes.
Il don't care what these sour-faced
knockers say, little girl, this is a
mighty fine world, and most of the peo-
pie in ii are all right. Nine men out Of
every ten are true-I believe the proper
tons even bigger than that: and there
is more genuine fidelity right now than
there ever was since Adam and Eve
took hands and strolled out Of the or
chard- But if you look at 'em through
smoked glasses you can't see the white !
that's in EN-, and If you get the notion
nXed In your head that they're all |
black, why, so far as you're concerned. |
they'll be black. A shovel of SCOT will /
soil an acre of snow, honey, and a little |
suspicion Will make your William grow i
a couple of horns and q spiked tail right /
before your eyes. No, little girl, don't /
90 II. Don't let doubt get to sweIlin' /
IN your pretty head Bills all right. /
He don't wear any gold rings over his /