davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1909-09-11

but the fat woman who'd put 1t over
didn't see where the laugh came in at all.
but turned around in her seat and glared
sumpin fee-rocious at the laughers behind
her.
Another film. unreeled a while back.
showed how criminals. especially thieves.
were punished back yonder In the days
when kinks had the bulge everywhere
kinks and emp'rors and those kind of
bossy NUTS. Well. one of the pictures
showed a poor guy. bellringer or some
thing out of work. who was anchored
down in the bottom of well. with only
a pallet Of bum-looking straw in cor
ner because he'd swiped a hunk of black
bread or something. The sides of the
we'll were of rough-hewn boulders. and
this fact hit a newsie upstairs as some
thing that the thief ought to take no
tice Of.
"I wunner what's de matter wit dat
rum? the kid said out loud, though he
imagined that he was talking to himself.
'Why'n't he climb up dem rocks an make
a getaway f'r hisself?'
Presently one Of the unfortunate
Evening star., 1909-09-11

The beard bothered Mr.. Jobson good
deal, too, as it grew longer and spikier.
1t itched and tickled him a good deal,
sometimes waking him up with its tic
pretty horrible with IL on his jowls. He
got SO that he hated to look into the
glass at himself. Mrs. Jobson observed
that when he did look into the glass to
fasten his tie or brush his hair he viewed
himelf with obvious loathing and turned
away with suppressed groan.
Whereupon Mrs. Jobson suddenly
thought out the right system.
'.s.- dear" she said to Mr.. Jobson one
evening ..do you know / am becoming
used 10 that beard of yours. In fact, l
believe / like It, It's too bad you didn't
let me persuade you a long time ago 10
wear beard, for
"Oh. it Is. hey?" growed Mr.. Jobson.
tossing down his Stah-yeah-pape and
clawing at his beard. as If he expected 10
find filliloo birds nest there. ITS too
bad didn't let you persuade me TO do
hull lot OF things. This beard gag. how
ever. is a bout the end of your persuading.
It's the punkiest persuade You ever pulled
on me- that's what ii is. II you think
you're going to honey and bamooozle me
into going around this mans town looking
like Bill Sykes or member OF the Jesse
James gang or some BANKED hey-Ieke
from Kansas you've got the wrong dope.
that's all I've got to say. I'm going out
right now" bouncing up and grabbing Tor
his hat ''and have this Internal chlmpan-
zee attachment scssored from my chart,
whether you like Ii or not, and the next
time you wheede me into mooching
around the District of Columbia looking
like a Hungarian coal miner on his an
nual drunk you want to put a heap OF OIL
on your wheedling apparatus or you're
machinery is going to stick, lemme tell
YOU that
Then Mr. Jobson went out and had his
heard chorped off and when he came
hack smelling cf lilac water. Mrs. Jobson
told him how weirdly handsome he was.
and pence once more brooded over the
Jobson abode.
Evening star., 1909-09-11

with almost equal truth-a couple OF
Americans have landed at latitude nine
ty. where dwells the long sought and
elusive old north pole? I say two Ameri-
have discovered the pole, and until airy
one or both OF them Is proved to be a
monumental. colossal and otherwise or
nate liar. see no reason for disbeliev-
ing either one. Let them come back
and deliver their goods in the way of
observations, scientific data, note books,
ETC.. II they have them to deliver. and
then let competent and reasonably dis
of their respective claims. That seems
the best way out of 1t, don't you think
Instead OF which, the whole unfortunate
controversy between Cook and Peary will
continue, inevitably to be fought out in
the newspapers of this and every other
foreign country, before either one of the.
two men gets within hailing distance of
these shores. The controversy is. of
course. rendered infinitely more obnox-
ious by the fact that few million people
who wouldn't know the north pole II
they met it on Pennsylvania avenue will
take sides In the matter and discuss all
it's phases with complacent and profound
ignorance. I heard a man the other
day, a man who. to save his life, couldn't
tell the difference between a bunch of
longitude and scrambled egg. settle the
whole blamed business to his own in
tense satisfaction.
Some real scientific folks seem quite
peevish and cross because DR.. Cook didn't
go about this pole discovery business in
the customary, traditional way. with fond
farewells and best wishes and a brass
band, trombones 'front.' playing martial
airs on the poop deck. Also they seem
to mind the fact that DIR. Cook didn't
strike off into the arctic unknown with
out reference to the experience gained
by any and every other explorer.
why" say these folks. the mean
thing went the same way Peary was go
ing to go-and went first. too. Now.
what do you think of that? Could any
thing possibly be more horrid?" And
then they snort and snivel about "esprit
Evening star., 1909-09-11

front They're going to gorge the Two
with dinners. They've even rigged up
dozen banquet-like breakfasts for them.
Receptions without number. collations on
the side, have been arranged for them.
They'll need all OF their arctic fortitude
to get through the game they're fixing
up for them here. II. after living for
a couple of years on blubber, tallow,
pemmican and such-like polaric grub.
they'll get away with the fancy food
that'n be spread for them here Cook and
Peary will furnish additional proof Of
their possession Of Bessemer steel stom-
achs.
In every imaginable direction the town
has gone plumb bug over the north pole
discovery. The Cook cocktail was
sprung by a noted Broadway mixologist,
the presiding genius of Broadway hotel
cafe. on the day after the announcement
of the discovery. Maybe this concoction
hasn't reached Washington yet. When 1t
does steer clear of it. It's insidious.
The thing Is made out Of vermouth, cur
acoa, rum and whole lot Of other things
and a tiny American flag Is stuck into
the crushed ice Of the glass to give 1t the
air Of verisimilitude. as 1t were. Gargling
Evening star., 1909-09-11

from Europe last year. Fitch knew Eng
land like a book He'd made exactly
twenty-seven trips to that little island.
1--WE just made little vow with myself
that I'll never again attend one of these
Pilgrims dinners.' said Mr.. Fitch on that
OCCASION after having spent four months
in England. 1T is too idiotic for my di-
gestion the Pilgrim dinner business. You
know the game-a lot of talk about the
English and the American kinship OF
blood hands across the sea. the might OF
the Anglo-Saxon. the mutually of Ian
guage. the brotherhood of blue-eyed men
and all that sort Of rot.
This, you may accept it from me, Is all
alcoholic eff1uvia. 1t Is a product or
much prandial wine.
1.-The English people hate the American
people Never lose sight of that fact.
When I say hate l mean hate in the
most vitriolic sense of that word. The
English hate us. They don't, as some
say. regard us with mingled. feelings. or
with Indifference, or from neutral point
of view. They hate us. Their hatred OF
US, of course, is erected purely and pri-
marily upon plain. childlike. contemplate
jealousy. But whatever it is based upon
they hate and loathe and despise us, and
that fact can't be wedged into the Ameri-
can consciousness any too soon.
Il am not speaking hastily nor in any
spirit of anger. I am merely reciting a
fact that has become more and more OBJ
vious to me during all of the twenty
years and more that / have been visiting
England and studying the attitude of the
English people toward America and
Americans.
They can Pilgrims dinnerize until the
cows come home and go out again. but
all of the fine. rolling rhetoric. alcoholic
ally developed. which they give utterance
to at those dinners will never dispel the
simple straightout fact that the prepon-
derating mass of the English people pos
Evening star., 1909-09-11

place here. Most of them, too, seem to
agree that 1t will not be of much use
after all. OF course. from a scientific
viewpoint they are all glad that 1t has
been found-apparently twice at that
and that the proper observations were
taken by both explorers. but outside Of
that they don't seem to think there 8
much to the whole proposition.
There's one class of men who need the
pole very much and to whom its dis
covery has been a godsend. / mean the
newspaper paragraphers cartoonists and
humorists. Every one of them is in a
good humor these days. Their horizon
has been widened, their storehouse Of
material filled to overfiowing. and they
are all working overtime One hundred
years from now-but that Is vastly too
conservative our children's children's
children will pick up some comic sup
plement or funny paper. or some such
silly sheet, and, glancing at 1t. throw a
fine parxysmal fit.
.'Smatter'' some one will ask. and.
after laughter strangulation and slow re-
covery, will come the answer, Say. you
ought to read this joke on the discovery
of the north pole"
And there's more truth than poetry in
this.
ISN'T 1t splendid that at last, after all
! these years-centuries one might say
Evening star., 1909-09-11

one Of 'em you hear the crushing to-
gether of ice foes. Two. the croaking Of
the polaric penguins. Three-and the
vive three OF 'em without manifesting a
determination to lick the universe.
The Peary nickel cigar diffuses an
aroma like they're going to have fried
tripe for dinner next door. But thou
sands of New Workers are martyring
'emselves smoking the Peary nickel cigar
because they feel that they've got to
burn some kind Of incense to the new
conqueror.
The street takers are selling on the
Broadway corners. tens Of thousands Of
little bisque images of Cook and Peary
diked out as arctic explorers. fur head
dress and all. not to exclude mention Of
the whiskers. The fact that arctic ex-
plorers never wear whiskers while they're
exploring, but chop the hirsute Off with
scissors SO that icicles won't cling to the
facial hair. makes no difference. The
images show the explorers with the Rus
and that's all there is to it. Other takers
are selling little images of Eskimos.
These things go like hot cakes. and the
takers are in clover. Around all of these
pavement statesmen with Cook and Peary
"mementos'' you'll find crowds of buy
ers. There has been a rush Of automo-
bile manufacturers to be first in regis
tering a new "Cook-Polar" or a "Peary-
Polar machine which they want to man
ufacture. Naturally the motor car manu-
facturers take 1t for granted that folksll
want to buy a machine possessing such
a git thar" name. The furriers say that
the north pole craze will make for big
boom In the sale Of all kinds of furs.
In the meantime the populace Is grumpy
and peevish because Peary and Cook
don't beat It right back to these shores
They want to mob them and get the
thing of their minds. Nobody around
Evening star., 1909-09-11
CROWDS PICTURE SHOWS

a woman gets started with that stuff she
can't can 1t till it's out of her system,
of course.
'Whatcha tryin' { do-show me up?'
he growls at her as she keeps II up. and
then, when she keeps right on with the
blurts. why he grabs his lid and beats it
up the aisle, the little woman trotting
along after him. SOS she can be on the
job of seeing to it that he doesn't toss
any more of the juice In. I've seen that
little side-play work out as I've un-
coied 1t dozen times around here. l
guess the answer Is that guy has got
to be alone with himself and none of the
women folks around to take any kind of
lesson to heart, what?
''They offset the weep stuff with lot
of laughs at the moving picture shows, at
that. There was a fat woman at the
show only yesterday afternoon that got
good wheeze across.
There was a film on showing how one
of those angel-omercy girls that's al
Evening star., 1909-09-11

Ter SOS you can't hear yourself think
Depends altogether on how heartbreak-
ing the films are. Just hand em one
where the wealthy guys wife beats 1t
with another gink. and the wealthy stin
goes broke because he has no further In
terest in life. and gets down to playing
the fiddle on the streets, with a dog to
lead him around because he's gone blind,
TOO. atop OF losing his bundle-slip 'em
one like that and. say, you'd think there
seen women get SO worked up over those
kind OF films that the first thing we'd
know they'd have the highstrikes and'd
have to be grabbed a-hold Of by a couple
OF ushers and led to the retiring room,
there to be cooled out by the woman In
charge. II there's anything that gets a
moving picture crowd down in the mouth
It's Aim that shows a swell siux that's
lost his wad and gets down to carrying
the banner or something-if he's good
people. that Is to say. OF course, IL the
rich ones shine and all like that
they're tickied to death to see him frisked
Evening star., 1909-09-11

ways carrying baskets of victuals to sick
folks and all like that-how she fell under
the eye of toppy glug with sword
and a feather in his skypiece-this took
place back in the middle ages or the
eighteenth century or something like that
and how he sent her note by mes
senger to come and visit sick woman,
and she came along. with her basket
stuffed with fodder for the sick one-as
she thought y'see-and how the hull
thing was nothing but trap. for when
she entered the room where she thought
the sick woman d be. why, there was the
sneery gee with the feather and sword.
and he locked the door-and just at that
stage of it the fat woman. who was way
down in front. turned to the woman she
was with and ripped out. with one OF
those asthmatic whispers that you could
hear all over the dump:
".Hain't men tn skunks. though? And
they're all jest alike, drat emf
1T pulled big laugh all over the plant,
Evening star., 1909-09-11

sess a profound. ineradicable detestation
for America and all things American
They sneer at u.s. They deride not only
the deridable things attached to us, but
opportunity everywhere to show their
feeling of animosity toward us. The aver
age Englishman looks upon an American
i will say it outright and without minc-
ing the word-as a bedbug.
4
''It was bad enough before the Olym-
plan games. But IL ever there seemed the
remotest possibility of a general entente
between the English and the Americans
and I. for one. don't believe that the pos
sibility of such rapprochement ever ex-
isted-it was utterly destroyed when the
American lads everlastingly and teeto-
tally and clinchingly walloped the Eng
lish at the Olympian games In London
That was the final straw. The hardest
losers in the world. the English. took
that basting even harder than they'd
ever taken any Of their other innumera-
BILE beatings in all domains of sport, war
and civic accomplishment. The complete
all-around slugging that they got In the
big games was something that they could
not and would not accept even with
show Of equanimity. Their very gorge
rose at the basting, and since then, II
ever they did make the least effort to
screen their real feelings toward Ameri-
cans, they've cast all of that to the
winds. and now they are outwardly, de-
IiberateIy, malevolently and meanly in
sulting in their every attitude and refer
ence to America and the Americans.
There's no getting away from 1t. It's not
only in London that you hear and see 1t.
You find 1t even In the smaller towns and
in the bypaths Of England. It's a virus
that has spread everywhere. There's
racial antipathy between the English and
the Germans, and this has been added to
Evening star., 1909-09-11

you see. are always the ones that get the
worst OF this pickle number, and when
they see the rum thing worked out on
the films, why. they get to thinking about
their own home gag, maybe with rum
dunn kicking around, all bilged up to the
ears and his job hanging In the balance,
and then, OF course, they're bound to get
their mouchoirs all soaked UP. Plenty
Of women drop into the moving picture
shows just to pass the time and forget
their troubles while their husbands are
out on toots. and. of course. when the
suds films are pulled on worried women
of this kind. with the spiffed gee rolling
around in a hovel. bawling out his wife
and young uns and kicking the cat and
overturning the table that's only got two
saucers and a small hunk OF bologny on
it-well, the women whose own husbands
are leaning hard against the old stun
can't help but get their bandannas out.
AT that. these rum films do lot OF
good. That Is, they get the pickles them.
selves to thinking things over. Plenty OF
souses, ginks that've been resting against
Evening star., 1909-09-11

here will have any peace till the two ex-
plorers land here
You'll have Peary and Cook in Wash
ington I've made inquiries about this
and am told by men who know that the
two will not long after their arrival In
the United States. repair to Washington
to submit proofs of the actuality of their
north pole discoveries to government
scientific institutions in Washington. |
can see, right now, the red fire that II
be burned down in the neighborhood OF
the Potomac when these men, the most
loomful figures Of the present generation.
IL not of several preceding generations,
make their way to the District OF Co
lumbia
It is deemed likely by persons who
know how to rightly calculate upon such
matters that Peary and Cook can be, and
probably will be. millionaires within a
few years, entirely through their own Ell.
forts, and without any grants or gifts OF
any kind. They haven't bit of greed
about them. but the money will simply
swim in their direction. Frederic Thomp-
son. the proprietor of the New York
Hippodrome. already has offered both
Peary and Cook $25O.O0O for go lectures
But they will make more than this out
of any $50 lectures that they want to
give. They'll be the drawing cards the
world over-with the exception of Eng
land, which, after all. no longer counts
in any scheme of things embodying big
human affairs-with these lectures. nor Is
there any likelihood of the interest in the
two subsiding as the years travel on.
v1OU'VE noticed. no doubt. the incredu-
j lous, derogatory, insulting attitude
tho English public has taken toward the
north pole discovery. In this connection
1 am going to quote some words that
Clyde Fitch, the playwright who died
last week, said to me upon his return
Evening star., 1909-09-11

II, for one. am perfectly willing TO per-
init that view to go double as the
colloquial expression has ii. Let there
be a prompt and complete termination
OF all attempts on the part of Americans
of any class to gain the good opinion of
England. say |. l inquire, also. what in
the devil is the good opinion of England
to us? Why should we care for the good
opinion of England? No other country
In the world places the value of a salt
herring on England's opinion. one way or
the other England has become a good
deal OF joke as to her pretensions tn
being first-class power. anyhow. and
this is a joke that you'll hear rolling
around under the tongues of Europeans
whose countries really are first-class
powers Why should Americans seek, par
ticularly. to cultivate the good opinion
of the English? We don't ask France,
or Germany. or Italy, or Austria, or
Russia, please to take us seriously and
please to accept us as members of the
family of nations and please to regard
us as civilized human beings with quite
strongly developed leaning toward the
arts and graces We exhibit quite
laudable indifference. in fact. as to the
opinion which all other nations entertain
OF us excep- the British nation. But.
for some inexplicable reason. we appear
to take seriously the constant caStfga-
tions which the English hand out to us.
and we have been making genuine ef-
forts. through the years. to mitigate the
severity of their criticisms by endeavor-
ing to show them where they are wrong.
Now Is about as good a time as any. In
my opinion to cease all this. There has
been too much knuckling and trucking
on the part of Americans to the Eng
lish. We have sacrificed a good deal OF
self respect in that process. Let's permit
the English to knuckle in future They'll
have to come to that In time IL we re-
wise our attitude toward them, for they
need US, and we certainly do not need
them" CLARENCE L. CULLEN.
Evening star., 1909-09-11

by the jealousy which the English feel
toward the Germans on account of the
widely increasing power of the German
people: But never let anybody tell you
that the feeling which the English enter
tain toward Germany Is one-tenth as Wit
rtolic as that which they entertain toward
America and the Americans The Eng
lish at least respect the Germans as
rivals and competitors. They have no
sort OF use or respect for u.s.
Il say plainly that I have entirely
withdrawn myself from any contributory
attempt to create what is called better
feeling between the two branches Of the
English-speaking people That task is
hopeless. Moreover, there is no particu-
lar reason why good American should
adopt the necessary toadyish attitude in
volved In any attempt to build up that
so-termed better feeling. An American
who at this stage of the world permits
an Englishman to patronize him, with
any purpose whatever in view-particu-
larly the establishment of better feel
ing'-is a plain, unvarnished ass. The
Pilgrims dinner idea OF that better feel
ing is that the Englishman shall manifest
a sort of distant and naughty toleration
of the American with whom he happens
to meet up Americans travelling In
England find this attitude on all sides.
The Englishmans attitude toward the
American in England is about this: oh.
you've got quite a thriving sort of set
tlement over there on the other side of
the Atlantic. but you're only half-civil-
ized bounders, you know; you're common
and vulgar and all that sort of thing;
you have no light or leading: you have
no real culture-nothing but a tawdry
veneer derived from u.s. That's the
Englishman's attitude toward Americans,
and it is quite too insufferable for tolera-
ton.
Evening star., 1909-09-11

of them reached latitude ninety and the
pole. there will be thousands. aye. mil
lions, of people in all quarters of the
globe who will be absolutely and entirely
unconvinced.
Don't care what the scientists say
these folks will remark, lust don't care
at all. Don't l know? Why look here
for'-and so it will go. Scientific socie-
ties may indorse. presidents may honor,
kings may receive one or both OF these
men, but Mr.. Average Citizen. Mr.. Stone
Conk. Mr.. Know 1t All will be on the
job just the same.
4
WHO has heard OF Walter Wellman
w lately? Ah me, the pity of it! There
without a doubt is the saddest case on
record. For several years Mr.. Wellman
has been engaged in a valiant. but mark
edly unsuccessful. attempt to reach the
north pole. Each August since 1905 he
has leaped into his airship. the Never
FAIL" has started the gasoline engine and
flung to the breeze the balancing rope
of well seasoned bologna. and has started
amid the well wishes of his friends and
the plaudits of the populace. for the
north pole.
But. unhappily, he has never quite
reached it. One year he went mile or so.
next year a little further; this year he
proceeded polewafd full thirty-five
miles.
Always does something happen. Either
the gasoline freezes or the airship ex-
plodes or somebody eats the balancing
rope of we'll seasoned bologna. But that
intrepid spirit was always willing to try
again. Each year he has purchased un-
freezable petrol. laid in an extra supply
of that well-seasoned bologna. encased
his airship in fireproof armor and made
his start.
But then, the pole was as yet undis-
covered, 1t was a tangible asset, what
we might call a Sc regularum mag
azinorum. What a blow 1t must be to