New-York tribune., 1909-12-25
THE T4LK OF THE DAY.

A candidate for an exalted position in
the Ancient order Of Mean Men has been
discovered by "Simpliclssimus" He is an
apotheCary in whose place OF business a
young apprentice committed suicide. When
the weeping mother called he said: IT am
really sOrry for you. and also that your
son died in my shop. You have my
sympathy. Here is his last weeks pay.
OF course. deducted 50 pfennigs for the
poison which he took"
Ethel calling on her friend)-I didn't
know you we're one Of those athletic girls
Madge-Nhat do YOU mean, dear2
Ethel-Look at those foils over your
Madge-Fons, Why. those are my hat
pins.-BOston Transcript.
SANTA CLAUS COMPLAINS.
Oh. say it's pretty hard on me
This season of the year
When every body's out 20 be
In touch with all good cheer.
The grown-ups and the children seek
In many merry ways,
That point toward me, 10 celebrate
Their Christmas holly days.
They look 10 me 10 give and give
I'm giving day and night.
But no one gives me anything;
Nov. DO you think that's right7
". J. LAMPTON.
Salesman 0ately promoted 10 curio de-
pa psrtmentt-This necklace. madame. was
originally made for the Duke of Rucking-
ham. who gave II 10 Anne of Austria
We're selling lot Of them.-Punch.
Philadelphia boasts OF having two Of the
oldest living skaters. on the first day that
the ice was in condition the oldtirners,
William II. Wetherill and his brother
Frank, seventy-three and seventy-one
years old. respectively made their an
nUsl appearance on HaverfOTd College
pond. They cut the figure eight and did
other stunts that widened the eyes Of on
looking youngsters.
why have YOU dropped your popular as
tTOnOmy?' asked the visitor.
Cause ] got too many lickings." con-
fided Tommy. The other night told pa
that Mars face was ever changing and ma
heard me and thought I meant her face
Next thing didn't get any supper and got
a licking besides. Chicago News.
''Is some one dead at the Fogartys'.''
asked Mrs. Mfchschlegei; Il see an under
takers wagon in front Of the door oh,
no" replied Mrs. Ryan. its only Mrs
FOgarty getting her Christmas turkey from
the undertakers." It's a fact that every
Christmas the funeral directors OF PhiIs-
delphia give hundreds of turkeys to poor
families. In accordance with this custom
undeTtakers in every part Of the city on
Christmas Eve dispatched their assistants
60 the homes OF impoverished families, with
each ono OF whom large. fat turkey was
left. with the givers compliments. One
West Philadelphia undertaken alone dis
tributed fifty turkeys. according 10 The
Record" The distribution OF the turkeys
is usually made from the undertaker's
wagon.
'T TOLD YOU so"
] was for Cook YOU were against
And now my heart Is fun Of woe
Whateer yOu do 10 cause me pain
Don't come and say. Il told you so'
whene'er we meet I'll make It right
You'll taste the best the experts know.
But please don't speak the doctors name
And do not say, Il told you so"
Boston Herald.
The college farmer" sneered at few
years ago a mere theOrst unable to
make living of the land. is much in de-
mand nowadays The Portland Oregon
ian" tells Of the resignation of Professor
George Severance. OF the agricultural de-
partment OF the Washington State College
Professor Severance was drawing the
satisfactory salary Of $2OO0 a year for his
duties as instructor al the college. but has
resigned 10 become "A farmer lie is 10
take charge of three farms just beyond the
bOundry line in Canada. and is to receive
a salary Of 5000 year. with al of his
expenses paid, and is also 10 have an
interest in the prOhts. An automobile IS
10 be provided for his use I'm running
round his work on the farms. The place
is about as different from that Of the old
time farmer as can well be imagined
"A great deal that you see in print now
adays is dangerous aud misleading" said
the conservative citizen.
Yes" answered the dyspeptic; .espe-
eially IN cook books."-W ashington Star.
John Daniel, jr.. whose home is al
lrVington-on- Hudson. has determined IN
perpetuate the now familiar Hudson Full
ton celebration isg by flying il al his home
each Sunday. His place occupies one of
the highest points of land in Westchester
County, and he has had q hagpoie lOe feet
high erected there. On week days the na-
tiOnal ensign is flown. hut every Sunday
the orange. white and blue Is broken out
Mr. Daniel Is trying To Induce other own
ers Of estates along the Hudson and mas
ters Of vessels plying the stream 10 follow
his example.
II suppose YOU couldn't get any life in
sursnce,' said the sutomObile testers
"oh. yes said the chauffeur. I'm a
good risk It's the people along the road
who are barred Buffalo Express
The Paris police have issued eaiets for
hidding anybody 20 wear ceIIuIoid eoI,.rs
OF eUns behind the scenes Of Pans the.
atre. The reason for this peculiar order a
,hs danger Of nEe. A few days sso a cab