The weekly news. [volume] (Anacostia [i.e. Washington] D.C.) 1909-19??, 1909-12-11
WHISKEY
A WHOLESALE DESSERTA-
TON ON BOOZE, DAM
PH0OLS AND HELEN
DAMNATION IN GENERAL.
BY A. d. HAYwoRTH.

An, you nave nedfu INdJ WOLu
before, haven't your You can
just safely wager your openwork
Isle hose with the pink clocks
in them, that you have heard the
word; and you can go still fur
Their and lay the rest Of your
lingerie at the stiffest unheard OF
odds, that you have seen the re-
suits Of this concentrated essence
Of hell and damnatiOn. What a
word to conjure with-Whiskey F!
Great God in High Heaven, why
was it invented and licensed by
alleged sane, peace-loving hui
man beings, except for the usur-
ious revenues that are derived by
its makers. Whislley and its
tributaries, in the forms Of all
other spirituous liquors, have
sent more bodies to the grave and
their souls to hell than all other
causes combined by a million to
I per cent. The innocent, untold
suffering existing beneath our
eyes and i'm the shadow of our
homes everywhere from the
causes Of liquor is unimaginable.
The creature, made in the image
Of God, draws his weekly wages;
the first place he lights for is
his pet souse dump and orders
his drink with a flourish that
would put old Andy Car. and
Johnny Rock. on the blink and
make them crawl in their holes
and pull their holes in after them.
This booze-absorber loses track
of time, home and everything
that is sacred as the rot-gut is
shot at him with first one fist
and then the other Of the strong
armed, leather-lunged, heluva-
good-fellow bartender This poor,
damned fool stands at this le-
gally licensed before the wise
acres-of-the-g great United States
rot-gut dive and deludes himself
into believeing that he is max
ing himself so popular that he
will crowd everybody else off the
earth. As he continues TO con-
vert himself aU one and the same
time into a perambulating distil-
lery and slop cart he grows in
size and magnitude and grandeur
and wealth till a halo appears
above his head and a hollow ap-
pears in his pocket that couldn' I
be plugged up with a bung as big
as a beer keg. But, he's a good
fellow; everybody has admitted
it, from the ten-dollar-a-week
bartender with the glass diamond
shirt-stud to the niger scrub boy
with a mouth like the blast hole
in the side of a mountain. Why,
it accidentally gets to the ears
of the vague-possibility- of-a-gen-
tleman who owns and operates
lawfully and legally this whis6ey
cesspool of hell and he acknowl-
edges most condescendingly and
graciously that Mr. Damned Fool
is a good fellOw-a heluva-good-
fellow. Why, surest thing you
know, he's a good fellow-and
don't forget to go through his
pockets and take whatever else
he may have left after you get
all his money, just prior to
throwing him out into the street,
after soaking him with that sec
ond-hand beer mallet--dOn' use
the new one, you know that cost
30 cents and it would be extrava-
gance to wear it out putting
knots, welts and other fresco
work on Mr. ID. F's upper story
Now, this thoughtful admonitiou
Of Mr.. Booze Joint Owner TO his
wooden headed, sponge brained
bartender in Mr.. d. F.'s behalf
shows great business tact and un
paralleled acumen that could not
possibly be attained or even ap
preached in a legitimate, respect
able business or profession. What
a cinch what a sight Fool lands
on his windward ear in the gut.
ter with nineteen kinds Of convex
and cOncave cicatrices on his rooI
garden after the bartender has
made absolutely sure to a Ger.
tqiutv bevonJ tho ebodo,v Of d