The Birmingham age-herald., 1909-04-04

est, discretest, most highly recommended operatives. You give the address at which you desire the chaperon to meet you, and he hops into taxi and joins you.
 By the time the chaperon joins you you've tossed about four in and you're feeling pretty good. You find the chaper- on to be a durned bully, upstanding, agreeable, level-headed young feller, ana you buy him one He accepts the invi- tation and then he begins gently to dream information from you, whether you're married V single, how long you last on your whizzes, what you're usual route IS, whether you're a fighty rummy or one of the poetic kind, whether you like the theatre or would rather take in the scraps at the boxing clubs, how long you'll be able to flag your business without getting Into trouble, and all that sort of thing.
 Then probably you buy the chaperon another and he stands for your taking a couple more, because you're still there with your conk. But when you begin to buy em all in a row, with two or three lined up at one and the same time, the chaperon gently but firmly gives you the nix-nix He stakes you to whisper or so, and he knows by experience how to whisper effectively. You perceive the sense of his adjurations ais to your stuff ing 'em in too rapidly. and off you go to another place.
 All the time you've got the fine and dandy satisfaction of knowing that you're in right hands; that you're being taken care of; that you can't possibly get into trouble
 For example, you are desirous of 'openin wine for party of four very willing chauffeurs in squirrel overcoats who are lined up at the end of the bar It occurs to you, although you never have met these chauffeurs before, that it Is only right and proper, that 1t is your bounden duty as an appreciative man of sensibilities and things. that you should perform the 'openin' wine thing for them. which would involve an aggregate expense to you say, of SS. But the chaperon is there He flags that little idea of yours.
 "Perhaps you conceive the notion that you must and shall see the performance of the opera sSalome.' You insist upon it. You back up into corner and state with the profoundest solemnity that it has been the dream of your life for weeks and weeks to see 'Salome.' But the chaperon knows very well that you don't want to see ,Salome.' He knows that Salome' would bore you to extinction. lie knows that you'd go sound to sleep in your seat and snore loudly and scandalize lot of folks and probably get put out So he rings in the big nix on that proposition. He puts the case to you. He knows of better show where you can smoke in all parts of the house, and where the management doesn't so much mind it If you're a little bit too gleeful in applaud | ing the performance and things. Thus vo,,,re saved the price of two 'Salome tickets and lot of bother besides
 ..The seedy duck lolling at the end oi 1 one of the bars with whom you used to exchange fool horse talk at the tracks | in the antique days when there was rac- 1 ing-this chap recognizes you and nudges 1 over to you and begins to uncoil one oi l those spins which leads ID to the touch | thing. He hasn't won a bet in four thou sand years, says he, and they ain,t nuthin doin any more. and the games pretty crabby for him. and fnip note ud ioof | as big to him as
 "At which point your chaperon stakel | vou little clutch on the on arm anf tells you that he knows where there's l swell bunch of dinge singers ana guital players at another place down the stree' | You don't loosen up for the shabby toucn l CT. and there you are again. money saved