The Washburn times. [volume] (Washburn, Wis.) 1896-1976, 1909-10-07
A TELEGRAPH JOKER.
He Knew What the Crowd Want
ed and Delivered the Goods.
ELECTION RETURNS TO SUIT.

Swung States and National Chairmen
Into Line In His Reports and Gave
the Boys of the Mining Camp the
Time of Their Lives.
A funny incident happened on the
night of the national election of 1896
in a little camp tucked away in the
mountains of southwestern Colorado,
where the only means of quick COM
munication with the world were a sim
gle uncertain telegraph wire and sin
gle more uncertain telegraph operator.
Naturally only the merest scraps Of
election news reached the camp, but
before the certain news Of McKinley's
election could have been got the uncer-
tain operator had fallen a victim to his
favorite vice and, further, had fallen
beneath the table.
The only other person who knew any
thing about telegraphy was Shorty"
the local wit and humorist, who volun-
teered to write out the election returns
as they clicked off from the telegraph
instrument Political sentiment was
afiame for Bryan. News of his election
was not only sought. but demanded, for
the average American miner is as san
guine concerning the uncertainties OF
politics as he is concerning the uncer-
tainties of mining The volunteer teleg-
rapher was noted for an obliging dis
position. He was the genial Of the
camp.
The "boys" had placed stores Of
giant powder at various points. They
had cleaned and oiled their six shoot
ers and refilled their cartridge belts.
Bonfires were ready TO be lighted on
the hillsides. and natural enthusiasm
had been stimulated at the Metro
pole, the Cosmopolitan, the Fashion.
the Trocadero and less pretentiously
named cases i'm the desert of mining
camp existence-in fact, every pre-
liminary to the grandest celebration
the San Juan country ever had known.
Shorty was not the man to neglect
an opportunity like that. The first
bulletin he handed to the waiting
crowd stated that New York and In
diana were in doubt and it looked like
a close election, with the chances ia
voring Bryan. That whetted the
crowds keen appetite for returns to
razor edge. The second bulletin sent
their spirits up with leap, Bryan
has carried Kansas, and the Demo-
Gratis are claiming Iowa."
'.Whoopeer' from the crowd.
Shorty bent his ear to the clicking
sounder and inscribed Bulletin No. 81
Illinois joins the Bryan column with
$4,000 majority. Indiana certain, New
York very close"
When tine deafening chorus had died
down a young member Of the party
asked the leader. Hadn't we better
begin to set off the giantY
Before the leader could answer
Shorty reproved him by word and
look. "Don't go off half cooked he
said. "It's always best to wait until
you are sure. You can't be too con-
servative in a case like this"
After a long pause, in which the
crowd displayed much Impotence, the
imperturbable and conservative Shorty
transcribed bulletin No. 4, but before
passing it out he said:
"Now, boys, don't do anything rash.
Wait for the actual returns"
Bulletin No. read, Senator Jones
claims Ohio and Pennsylvania for Bry-
an"
Under ordinary circumstances a
doubt might have been expressed con-
corning the probability Of such states
reversing their political records, but
the crowd was convinced Of an i'm
pending landslide for their favorite
and yelled with delight. "Now we are
beginning to get the news" remarked
Shorty when the cheering ceased, and
he began to write bulletin No. 5 as
follows:
New York gives Bryan 100000 plu-
rality; Indiana. 10000. Returns from
Wisconsin and Minnesota indicate
large Democratic gains"
The crowd heard only the first SEN
tence. Shouting. cheering, yelling,
screaming. it broke for the street.
Hold on called Shorty. Heres
another"
Bulletin No. 6, Quay comedies Penn
sylvania to Bryan
Another fragment broke from the
crowd and ran down the street shout
ing the news. The new operators pen
Gil was travelling rapidly over the pa
per, while his friends and fellow citi-
zens crowded closely upon him and
read as he wrote bulletin No. 7, MARK
Hanna has locked up Republican head
quarters and gone home"
The roar of the crowd was drowned
by the roar Of exploding giant powder.
Buildings shook, windows ratified. ac-
companied by the crash Of broken
glass; The celebration was on, and
Shorty Mcintyre was alone.
The celebration lasted for two days.
The morning after election the regular
operator had recovered sufficiently to
transcribe messages announcing Nc
Kinley's victory. Those who were
sober enough to understand them
didn't believe them. After several
warnings Of what would happen to
him if he didn't quit trying to fool
people" the operator desisted and join
ed in the general jubilation. Not until
the arrival of the Denver papers on the
second day did that camp awake to a
realization of the outcome of the cleo
ton, and then there was not sufficient
energy left to vent even indignation
upon Shorty. much less to take re-