Evening journal., 1909-01-02
A CRANKY WIDOW

Uncle Ben Williams held that Wild
ows should marry only widowers for
a second term Of matrimony. He also
had to keep a book account OF the
widowers.
There came a day when Uncle Ben
had to add his own name to the list
Of widowers His good wife passed
away and left him alone. He grieved
for a few months and then started in
on his work again. lie was rather
forced to- He got track Of widow
who had given out that she would
never marry again. She had heard Of
Uncle Ben and had given out that she
dehed him. He still wore his en-
blem of mourning as he drove over to
see her. He found her perfectly sat
isfed with her situation. Death had
claimed a husband so lazy that he
hated to turn over in bed, and she
Uncle Ben brought out his statistics.
They ran back 400 years and applied
70 every nation. They proved beyond
controversy that there was only one
constitutionally lazy mar out Of every
500 Of the male population. Thus the
widow might remarry 400 times and
run no risk. She then put it that her
late lamcnted had the appetite Of a
horse and shook the walls Of the
house at night with hil snorings.
There were statistics to prove that
this state Of affairs was to be found in
America only IN one case out Of a
thousand and then when the moon
was in her third quarter Whatever
excuse the widow brought forward
Uncle Ben successfully cOntroverted,
and at length she gave him a big
piece Of apple pie and a glass of cider
and gently turned him out Of doors.
But he wouldn't stay out Within a
month he was back to plead the cause
Of a certain widower. He had the
mans history down in writing, and
he had his tintype. The widower
didn't snore, he was q hustler, he was
good natured. he didn't swear at his
oxen, he built the kitchen fire in the
morning, he had a farm Of so many
acres, and he was the owner Of so
many horses, cattle, hogs and sheep
with a spotted calf thrown in to
make good bargain. The widow
shook her head and said nay, however.
She had sixty acres of her land in
turnips, and she felt that it was 60
ing to be great year for that vege-
table.
Uncle Ben came again with a wild
over that bad once seen the widow
driving along the highway and had
fallen in love with her. He had onl.
five children; he never refused his wifi
calico dress or a pair Of shoes; h
never INDUCED in remarks when hl
meals were not ready; II the celia
needed whitewashing he did the wor
himself; If Tin pan leaked he cou
mend It, and II the churn dasher brok
le could make another from q broom
tick within ten minutes The wido'
ave this man ten minutes thong
I'd then shook her head. Hay W.
ling for $50 a ton, and she wou
I'VE thirty tons 10 sell
lie brought Nos. T. 5 and G. al
brought tintypes, photographs az
emoranda. He drank cider Will
lumoratlng their many virtues, az
c ate apple, peach aud hucklebel
/ pie between statistics. AS on
andidate after another was presente
nd his claims set forth Uncle Be
aw that the widow softened a bi
he turned them all down, but thl
oftening encouraged him to so aheal
IN his own mind be thought her bi
)articular-cven cranky-lor turnin
own farmer blind in one eye,
ghtning rod mau with a game lel
I'd a wire fence man with a hump OIL
Is back, but he did not say so. He
new that If he kept ON long cnougl
md could find candidates enough the
widow was bound to give Ia. He
lidn't neglect his farm work aitogeth
n, but he kept an eye out for the right
sort Of candidate. He thought he had
aim In No T. lie brought the widow
sr to the house and let him sit in the
Juggy at the gate while he went in to
90 the talking
There he is, widder," be said, with
/ ln air OF confidence Take a look at
ion from the winGcr. Forty-elghJ
ears old, IN good health and not a
5iemish on him. Don't swear, chaw
crbacker nor drink Never gifts mao
i'd allus within ior his wife to go "a
.own. Cot i've childron, and they are
itle angels. Only takes an hour 90
scrub one up so that you want TO kiss
him. Bis farm, keeps a hired gal. lives
well and bound TO make you happy fol