davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Fairmont West Virginian. (Fairmont, W. Va.) 1904-1914, 1909-03-11
"'Do My Eyes Fool mer Asked zerk.'


Ing that same old Hcllespont, he
treked along the edges Of Thrace and
Macedonia, with n thousand converted
cruisers under Fighting Bob Evans
lowering along In the water nearby.
When they got TO Thermopylae. ZeFk
was surprised to see lot Of Spartans
and Athenians coagulaied there as II
for defensive purposes.
DO my eyes fool mel" asked Jerk.
Believing II all to be a JOKE. he
sent word 10 the Greeks that this
merry Jest had gone far enough. and
that they had better hand over their
shooting irons.
Tell old StIcklnthemud to come
take Them" was the sassy reply Of
the Spartans. whose mothers had told
them to return with their shields or
pawn them.
We'll, what do you know about
that"
Looking yet again. he muttered the
immortal words: I'VE have certainly
brought things 10 pretty pass!!"
Meaning Thermopylae, for Zerk was
persistent kidder. After awhile he
sent n few thousand men against the
handful In the pass and the charge
Of the light brigade was bean.bag com
pared with what happened to Jerks
crowd. This astonlshed Jerk more
than ever. He still thought II was
some sort Of practical joke and was
figuring on the answer.
Finally he had a great skullsplItlng
thought, and exclaimed:
. q know! They can't fool me any
longer. Those fellows don't want my
army to go through there." (See W. J.
BryIn's campaign joke book.)
When he had broken this news to
his generals. he sat down on bis throne
and began TO reign again with great
precipitation tfor explanation Of this
Qulp see the[weather report), while
he thought over what to do next.
About this time a NANCY coyote
named Ephialtes deserted from ;lA lie
lleged Greeks and spartaus. and
tipped OF to Jerk q sort OF Sunday
entrance through the canyons, by
which his army might get around back
Of the Greeks and brighten them dread
fully. Zerk looked into the thing. found
1t was as straight as Eph was crooked:
and sent his 10000 (count them: 90
The Fairmont West Virginian. (Fairmont, W. Va.) 1904-1914, 1909-03-11
May Be Fairbanks.

It is said that ex.Vlce President.
FAIRBANKS may succeed Ambassador
Reid at the British court. It will re.
quire a man with pursa equal to that
OF Fairbanks to keep the pace set by
Mr.. Reid, the. wealthlest and most
prodigal Of all American Ambassadors.
There arc very few candidates now
for ambassadorial posltions-at least
few In comparison with the number
that were In the habit OF applying III.
teen or twenty years ago. The rca.
son gi"en Is that the rich men who
formerly applied for and secured these
positions have been hard hit by the
panic and that the cost Of living
abroad IN ambassadorlal style has
greatly increased. Mr.. Fairbanks is
well equipped in manners. means and
inien Tor the place 80 long held by Mr..
Reid. He has not had ambassadorlal
experience In Paris as Mr.. Reid has
and does not speak French, but le
speaks The most widely used of all
languages and his long experience In
Washington as Senator and Vice Pres.
ident aud his social career In which
Mrs. Fairbanks has borne a brilliant
part. will peculiarly fit him to Ills.
pense money and courtesies at the
Court Of Saint James.
The Fairmont West Virginian. (Fairmont, W. Va.) 1904-1914, 1909-03-11

NH . "H -
By the election OF Kingdom Gould.
son Of George ]. Gould. as a director
Of tie Missouri Pacific Railway, OF
which his father is president, announc-
ed from ST. Louis. where the annual
meeting Of the roads stockholders was
held yesterday. a Representative OF the
third generation OF the family as.
sumes active participation in the af.
fairs Of the roads with which the name
OF Could has long been associated,
says the Times. This fact added In
terest in Wall streets eyes to the
election Of young Gould to a place on
the Missouri Pacific board. Moreover,
his election was taken as a tangible
confirmation Of the belief held in Wall
street Tint however far the Goulds
may lessen their hold on some OF tieIr
roads. Including. It is expected, the
=
Wabash. as result OF the entrance
CT new interests into some OF these
properties there Is no likelihood OF the
Goulds giving up their controlling
voice In Missouri Pacific affairs. +.
H. Hartman, by the Interest which
h. has taken In the Wheeling and
Lake Erie. is regarded as likely TO ex.
ert a prominent voice in directing the
future Of the Wabash milroad, but no
such lessenIng OF the Gould hold on
Missouri Pacific is to be antlcIated.
Kingdom Gould's election serves to
cement tnls belief.
The Fairmont West Virginian. (Fairmont, W. Va.) 1904-1914, 1909-03-11
BY The Great est
AnlSriiCaIllHuTl0riiS[s
gAsMEDIUM--SIZEDt
JOURlNEY
BY STRICKLAND W. GILLIAN

n lSopy Iishs.r4ss,. py nt!u. Cha phitL)
Henry L. Xerxes WINS a son Of Darius
G. XerIes. king OF Persia. The old
mans middle name was Green: and he
was the original Wilbur Wright OF
whom We used 10 recIte at school eI,
h!bitions. But long, steady reign Is
bad for the aeroplane business, SO Oar
,lus told the hoy one day: 4
"Zerk, I'm tired OF my Job. Tag,
you're It," and Immediately took flight.
The son clouded up and began TO
reign violently. Having confined him!
self largely 10 the three.bucketsot-
blood literature, be took naturally TO
the military end Of The Job, and soon
had an army containing million men.
Jerk had swell bunch Of rough
necks Of all nations with him. Cross.
The Fairmont West Virginian. (Fairmont, W. Va.) 1904-1914, 1909-03-11
PNEUMONIA RAGING.

Pneumonia Is raging among the sol.
diers and citizens who were in Wash.
ington on and about March the fourth
There was no parade to speak Of.
These mea could not mlrcn in the wa.
ter md slush that submerged Penn.
sylvania avenue on that dag, but the
blizzard caught them on the side
walks, around the saloons and In their
temporary quarters ard It Is proba able
will slay more than fell In the Span.
ish war. Congress. the press and the
country IRE for the moment intent on
changing the date oil Inauguration to
the last Wednesday in April. But will
the Intention last? viii II not, as on
So may previous occasions. be forgot
ten before another quadrennlal in.
auguratioh event? ~. Z
The Fairmont West Virginian. (Fairmont, W. Va.) 1904-1914, 1909-03-11

buys brewery stock, but next year the
brewery q! closed down. and there are
no dfylds nds and nobody wants to buy
brewery stock. a man buys 4 saloon,
spends a large sum IN equipptng e
builds ,npIa good patronage. but net
year by rotesof the people ne Is
closed gu. Of business. Yet he has
but few sympithlzers. for the public
knows ihcgis reaplng only the harvest
which has been sown. ss.t
What are the liquor men sowing
now? Since votes rave become such
an Improbable commodity in their
trade. ;hey have said. Come on boys,
we. will nave no more OF this; We wiz
band ourselves together, 5ruIse a big
slush ilnd, select men whom we can
handle ior crisal positions. and stop
this voting business in short order."'
So twice under their manipulations
our Site Senate has refused to let
the people vote on this question. when
they pel!tIoned for the privilege; under
their manlpulations ballot commission.
ers in Fairmont were chosen who
would stand in the breach between the
people and the saloons, and refuse
the people vote on this question AFT
er they hid petitioned for the priv.
Ilege.
What shall their next harvest be:
II will be Us much more terrible than
the first rs their sowing Is more fool.
ish AMI self destructive. The liquor
men will learn. II they can learn any.
thing, that the greatest among their
many plumbers was their attempt to
ride over the popular will, and deny
the people their cherished right 10 vote
on the Invest issue before them. On
March 20, there will be scores Of men
in Falrmont who had no particular
convictions on the License question
who will now be glad to resent such
high handed un-Amerlcanism by go
ing to The polls and voting for a coun.
Gilman who is free from the manlpula.
lions Of this crowd. and who will vote
against license when the question
comes before the council.
OBSERVER.
The Fairmont West Virginian. (Fairmont, W. Va.) 1904-1914, 1909-03-11
.sEvi q z 3: OF {, 3 ROOSEVELT.


I'm seven years we shall know bet
terswhether Theodore Roosevelt has
done things for US o. has done things
to u.s. writes Lindsay Denlson in
the March Circle magazine. ut is
possible he: has done botn.) But at
any Irats the anal ledger balances will
Be- in positive form.
we shall have. for instance, the
Panama Canal:
Itmay read that We ought TO have
% 5sea:ieTel canal instead Of q lock
canal; slttmay read that the canal has
fcost half "a billion dollars when It
ought have cost only a third as
Smuch.
.'Tae point is that there will be q
canal.
s,Ins the relations OF the Government
and great corporations We shall have
something which may read President
acknowledgements the spirit Of the
Constitution to meet his own preju.
dices; SIT may read that he fed the
elamorE Of the people for blood or
money sacrifice by forcing the opera
tlons Of aslaw which he himself has ad.
mltteds 10 be sometimes inequItlble--
the Sherman law; It may read that
many Industrious and honest man in
banks, stores. factories and bitches
suffered want and saw their wives and
children hunger md die when posi-
bly, (buts not probably the ideals OF
lational:life for which he was striving
might have been brought about auto.
natically and gently with the passing
1.-THE yenrs. Of himself and his success.
sorsT4iusti as President Mckinley in.
tended 10 eliminate The spoilsmen In
the Government departments quietly
and without disturbing the nation by.
selfsaoabts.
THE folnts Is that 1t has been prov
en- that there is not a corporation in
the United States which has any Ger.
taintss tnat II ein violate the law OF
tho United States with impunlty:
that there a always hanging over such
q corporation the threat that presl-
dent may be elected who will so exc
cute the real will Of the nation that
nothing can stand between them and
calling TO account.
SIN tile history of Mr., Roosevelt's
personal /; attitude toward his Office
tafter5allStnet ioke,smlths have. finish.
ed talking about>his homllles on er-
serythlng from the married relation to
HE life OF the farmer and from high
finance TO birds eggs-lt may be writ:
ten that he mas oyerborne his wisest
advisers and has leaned too much on
ethe reflex commentator OF his every
thought which must come to STRING
man from a clique Of seli.selected per-
sonal admirers.
aThe Joint is that We have had a
working and "a human President and
an
notsa mechanic who has watcned' and
oiled asmachlne for the mere honor
holding thesofllce," ,yS-,,
The Fairmont West Virginian. (Fairmont, W. Va.) 1904-1914, 1909-03-11

00O) immortals 1.-THE IT, might more
descriptively have been omitted) on
the trail the yellow cur had told about
When he thought that detachment had
lad time to get around behind the de
fenders, he brayely sent his remaining
army age:d:t them from the front
seeing L Sas all up, Leonidas. stub
born Spartan that Just yearned to dis
because he had good deal Of domes
tic trouble, told the rest OF his de
tachment:
You fellows had better hike home
now, and put yourselves on ice for
some other Time. There isn't going
to be any other time for US Spartans
and such. We're going to boost the
undertaken business by seeing how
much we can reduce the standing
army Of Persia before we're all In.
Ia, Ia" Ess
When the two armies OF Xerxes met
with Leonldas and his little squad
impersonating The ham in the sand.
wlch, It was all oyer.
On the place where Leonldas in.de
bis last taborette. some oae built u
large, marble lion as q monument.
zerk then went on Into Athens
where he continued to poster the
Greeks till the latter got the better
OF his men temporarily, one day. when
zerk hoped on his throne. shrieked
with terror and ran wildly for, Asia.
When last heard Of. he was still bit.
ting It up. exceeding the speed limit
at every jump,
The Fairmont West Virginian. (Fairmont, W. Va.) 1904-1914, 1909-03-11
Cranes Drug Store.
recipes -.

Did you ever make a sandwich
out OF a raw tomatoi II not. try It
on the next hot summer day when
you want a refreshing, palatable
taste In your mouth.
Remove the skin from q. small To-
mato, cut IL IN two. then put between
the.tw parts a thin slice OF Ameri-
can cheese, two cold lettuce leaves
mixed with mayonnaise dressing.
This Is eaten US sandwich. and
makes delicious touch to the lunch
con or supper table.
"A delicious way OF serving sta
toes Is the following: Boil and mash
70 medium.sized white potatoes, us
linz one tablespoonful OF butter In
stead OF milk. When they are near
" cold add beaten yolks OF three
eggs, one teaspoonfuI Of grated nut
meg and six drops Of onion juice.
Stir these Ingredients together until
they are smooth. Make up into
small cone-shaped erouucttes and
stand away TO harden. When they
are firm roll them IN the bealen'
white OF Die eggs and cracker dust
and frs: IN deep boiling lat until q!
light brown. 81 Z
The Fairmont West Virginian. (Fairmont, W. Va.) 1904-1914, 1909-03-11

HVoS Popnli' in the Times Is about
IS well Informed on city politics In
general ns he Is about who the Dem.
ocrats and ProhIbltlonists have
named fer councilman In the Fourth
ward. Wait says William H. Martin
is the candidate Though Henry W.
Martin Was nominated ut the conven,
tons.
The Fairmont West Virginian. (Fairmont, W. Va.) 1904-1914, 1909-03-11
PEOPLES FORUM.
Rc1ping What They Have sown.
E,llfOr West VlreInIan.

R.1ping What They Have sown.
Editor West VlrgInIan:
The liquor men complain good
deal rbcut the general agitation
against their business and seem TO
think themselves the objects Of m.
due persecution. but are tney not
simply rtupIng what they have sown?
Twenty years ago they, were assas.
sinatIng preachers. editors and reform.
crs who dared to stand np and op.
pose them. Ten years ago the saloon
was the hatchery OF the leading crimes
against men and government and so.
cIety In general. More recently still
the saloon has been lac rallying post
for outlaws. things and cutthroats who
nave in connection with the saloon
gambling devices. prostitution and
Joints Of ever description,
wh7t is their harvest? Public in
.d;gpnilnn, agitation. rigid laws. prose,
cutIops. closed salotns &c. Certain
~ the !lqG6r business at present Is
anything but satisfactory, a mai,
The Fairmont West Virginian. (Fairmont, W. Va.) 1904-1914, 1909-03-11
FORESTRY, IN CHINA


chIhas often called the most back.
ward 81 tatlohs Iii tho care Of natural
fesSlteesf is 10 be the scene of a
Vigorous campaign in the interests of
The forests, according to Plans for
a seriesi Of meetings which will be held
under 4he auspices Of Boone College,
Wuchang, China, at Hankhow. WI.
chang. md Hanmng. Later there will
bemee.ings IN all the large cities and
Important ports both on the coast and
in5thej iattrlors Mr.. Howard Richards,
Jrgs thelrepresentatlve In this country
OF the Chinese college. has been col.
1ecting material for these courses. and
has Just started to China. Several
ofithe photographs showing the effect
pt detoreststlon in China, which nc.
conpanled the Presidents last annual
message. To- Congress. form part OF a
set OF f5tereopticon views which VIII
sbesusel illustrating these lectures.
China has probably taken less care
other forests than any other nation
OF the Earth. and this movement 10
awaken: In lis people realization Of
she importance Of tae forest comes at
AM opportune time. Many parts Of
China arespractically desert wastes us
adlreeti result Sof the destruction Of
itsStreesi on account OF the erosion
which sas followed the removal Of
trees irom, the slopes, farmers are
compelled to terrace their hlllsldes,
In orieFs to hold enough soil in place
Tor forming, and5to build little walls
sacfnss Sillesgallsyysg TO catch the soil
iS%6Ieh8tie annual loollst,lcposlt, Two
certlrlsstaso; many regions OF China
which are now Galren, were paying
revenue 70 owners; Now the
wood supply Is 50 SCARCE TINT little
poles are used Tor building houses, and
roots asd sapllngs spre burned as
y n -ililsl m ~
The Fairmont West Virginian. (Fairmont, W. Va.) 1904-1914, 1909-03-11
DIET FOR GIRLS WHO
WOULD GET PLUMP
OBSERVER.

The thin person should eat fire.
quently and heartily. 1t is good
thing to take milk and eggs between
meals as we'll as Of meals. MILK
made up partly Of rich cream Is. OF
course. much more fattening than
thin milk. When heated very hot,
but not 10 the boiling point, 1t Is
more effective than when taken cold.
One can beat up an cgg In 1t when
taking II between meals, or take the
egg raw. a glass OF hot milk Is very
good taken Just before going to bed,
and also Just after waking in the
morning. The glass taken In the
morning is especially good for 0
nervous stomach. II will frequently
starl the day right for those who
find the morning trying part Of
the day. Two quarts Of milk and
six eggs are not too much taken dur
Ing the day. Cream should be pour
ed generously over cereals and pud-
dlngs and coffee, II the coffee Is a
necessity. Chocolate or milk is bet
ter for one who Is thin Than coffee,
but II coffee Is taken II should be
made In the French way. largely OF
hot milk with some additional cream.
Chocolate Is both nourshing and
fattening. Cream" sauces will make
vegetables and meats fattening when
they would not be otherwise.
A quarter Of 4 pound OF butter
should be consumed during the day.
II is almost the best fattener there
Is. 1t should be spread thickly on
bread. Olive oil Is very pure and
very effective. A salad dressing for
thin person should be made almost
entirely Of oil. A tablespoonful OF
pure oil taken after meals will help
the good work along. Cod liver oil
Is effective. but harder 10 take.
Cereals, rice and potatoes are very
good, Indeed, and the cereals aud
rice are also very nourlshing' FEES
are the very essence OF tooa anu Tue
yolks contain q large percentage Of
fat. A box OF pure candy or Sweet
chocolate for consumption at odd
moments should be looked upon as
pleasant duty under those circuIn-
stances lnstead Of forbidden lux
uTy. Sugar Is pure energy.
When meat Is eaten II should be
botli rare aud fat. Salmon is the
most fatlenlng OF all the fish.
Beer, ale, stout and port are war
rauted TO produce fat for those who
do moi want It, and may be relied
upon 10 assist those who are thin II
taken regularly.
a characteristic days menu ap-
proprlate for one who is trying 10
gain weight Is MS follows:
At rising-one glass hot milk.
The Fairmont West Virginian. (Fairmont, W. Va.) 1904-1914, 1909-03-11

Some people who were looking over
the ticket as published In the city pa.
pers were commenting the other even.
ing on the fatt That the Business
Mems, Progressive ticket has no EN-
blem. We suggest the "jug" as an EN-
bIcm ana "muywunlp" as the code
word.
The Fairmont West Virginian. (Fairmont, W. Va.) 1904-1914, 1909-03-11

MFRS. JOHN HoPP, Webster Ave,
Wl Glendale, L. l., n. Y, writes:
az have been suffering for the past
ten years with many symptoms Incl.
dent to my age, also catarrh and indi.
gestion. / was weak and discouraged,
had no ambition, could not sleep ut
night, and lost greatly in weight.
az tried other remedies, but with no
success, until commenced to take Pc
runa. I now feel better In every re-
spect, can sleep well, and have gained
In weight. i cannot praise Peruna
highly enough for the good 1t has done
me.
"If any women are suffering rs l did,
l would advise them to try Peruna and
convince themselves. Pcruna has done
me good. l know by my experience
that It is worth Its weight in gold to
any one who needs 1t.
al also took Manalin, for constipation,
In connection with Peruna, and l found
1t helped me where other la1atires
failed"
Now Well Of Catarrh. ;5s
Miss Mallsa Jolley, Parmele, N. O.,
writes: al have been taking your Pc
runa, and can say that am well OF the
catarrh.
The Fairmont West Virginian. (Fairmont, W. Va.) 1904-1914, 1909-03-11
Blu Job,

The Americana always try to
wear clothes TO conform 10 the
weather.
The Brlton-What are you-a light.
Ming change artlst?-Life.
The Fairmont West Virginian. (Fairmont, W. Va.) 1904-1914, 1909-03-11

fuel. !,
J; over three hundred Chinese SIN;
dents from eleven provinces are be.
Ing educeted In Boone College for the
nplltt o, their country; and It Is ex-
pected ny those IN charge Of the,pro
posed course Of lectures. that move
ment started there will in time spread
throughout the Empire. r..
The Fairmont West Virginian. (Fairmont, W. Va.) 1904-1914, 1909-03-11

7EoR0IASA:
| don't like your cook book--it doesnt
rcomment Gold Medal Flour. lNo0ENp
The Fairmont West Virginian. (Fairmont, W. Va.) 1904-1914, 1909-03-11

io!ng to engage the now nelp under
the whip Of somebody's supposed
pun or Influence" Will you--or In
he Business like way. through Tani
ldvert.s!ng! )
The Fairmont West Virginian. (Fairmont, W. Va.) 1904-1914, 1909-03-11

Just lea rned that Gold Medal Flour ~
lifted! tsa tiE,ss ihr0peh Fns,i stlk, EuelsiA-.
The Fairmont West Virginian. (Fairmont, W. Va.) 1904-1914, 1909-03-11

Subscribe a Il Esss3 YlIslBlaa
The Fairmont West Virginian. (Fairmont, W. Va.) 1904-1914, 1909-03-11

Delivered BY Carrier.
DAM, zone month; payable monthly 40, 5Sc
Gunnison news-champion., 1909-06-18

We Got a cir named Ruth IN our
~ N"oth s'rnf Some of the
Gunnison news-champion., 1909-06-18
Continued Next Week.
Do you eat enough Of this.

he great benefit in health and strength
that always is enjoyed by regular eaters
of good oatmeal is known the world
over. Every year there are more and
more caters Of Quaker Scotch Oats.
which is recognized in this country and
in Europe as the one perfect oatmeal.
All the experiments of the govern
ment food experts and the athletic
trainers of Yale University prove thai,
cereal eaters are the strongest and
hcalthiest, and Quaker Scotch Oats
stands at the head OF the list Of cereal
foods. 1t is not only the best food, but
its the cheapest food on earth. Eat it
daily for breakfast.
For city trade Quaker Scotch Oats is
packed in the regular size packages. but
for those who are not conveniently near
the store for daily shopping the large
size family package of Quaker Oats is
just the thing.
Gunnison news-champion., 1909-06-18

An exchange in glancing over
the papers has discovered mum.
Der of cases where people have been
injured in various parts Of the anat-
omy. Here are few cases cited
While Miss Pearl kinsmore of
East Wind, Indiana, was coming
down stairs Tuesday, she slipped
and bruised herself on the landing.
Amos Mittleby, of Woolpost, Kansas
while harnessing a fractious horse
was kicked just south of the corn
crib. He is able to be out again.
While Harald Green of Beulab,
Mississippi, was escorting Miss
Violet Goof homo from a church
sociable Saturday night a savage
dog set upon them and bit Mr.
Green four times in the public
square. Joseph Tutt of Grimmels-
burg, Iowa, climbed on the roof Of
his house last week to FIX = leak and
slipped and fell. striking on his
back porch and causing serious
injuries Isaiah Trimmer, Of Dol
bery, Nebraska. was playing with =
cat Friday. when the animal scratch
ed him On the veranoa