davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-11

really looked like poets; but that isn't any
answer at all, considering that they are
deceased poets | mean living. breathing
and more or less sentient (if not sensible)
poets.
Take, for example, this William Wat
son, the English versifier who, after arrlv-
ing in New York from England last week.
made that snguarly foolish announce
ment that he meant Mrs. Asquith and her
stepdaughter when he wrote the Ser
penis Tongue thing.
Why. this William Watson doesn't look
any more like poet than-well, l was 60
ing to say than l do: and | shall say IT,
and give it Yer Similitude, at that, by pro-
claiming the fact that the hay scales gave
me a net weight of precisely - count
'cm-three PSI no later than yesterday
afternoon.
Mr. Watson. as a matter of fact. re-
minds me quite keenly of Mr. PickWlck. l
lever saw Mr.. Pickwick, but Cruikshank
did, and he has told me how Mr.. Pick
wick looked.
William Watson, English poet, is just
about the cutest little British pudge you
ever saw, folks; honest he is.
Fudge? Yes. and he actually waddles.
Get that? Can you figure an English
poet who still perhaps has a chance of be-
ing buried in Westminster Abbey-can
You see him waddling?
When you see William Watson, English
poet. waddling down the Avenue Five you
promptly think of green grocer, y'knaw.
or a pork butcher or the keeper OF pub,
rally you do; he's that fat and SNUG
looking. quite.
His face is round and jowly and pink.
with lovely little porcine folds hanging
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-11

the term-ordinary and trivial affairs or
everyday life. You are accustomed to
print in your Saturday column so much
that appeals to the ignorant and the fat
whatever. inherent acquired or other
wise, that l think your readers would
appreciate the publication of this trif1ing
essay on manners and emotions
When I had recovered from the trance
into which this line of language had
had rendered. / print 1t here, and l
know it is fine and will appeal to intelli-
gent and cultivated people. because l
can't understand it. Here it is:
blunder / have such disastrous tai
ent for passing by friends and acquaint-
ances-a habit born OF life of isolation
and have been SO lectured lately for
my seeming carelessness that l have de-
termined to reform. In this instance
Seeing the girlsh little figure with
YOU ] deducted-isn't that the Sherlock
Holmes word for it?-that you had your
wife in tow.
Yours very sincerely
The letter writer is newspaper wom-
An. talented and exquisitely sensitive.
Her prompt amends for fancied mala-
sidered her own awkwardness. is char
acteristic of her sweet humility and
fairmindedness. The man to whom she
apologies is a fellow-worker and mar
r;ed man.
But Miss L., in explaining by word of
mouth, made another black mark on
that new leaf that she probably does
not conceive of and that has d. per-
picked and defensive.
Here follows DIS eXplanation-for
what it is worth:
D. was waiting for the elevator. A
young, and to him unknown-unknown,
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-11
AUTHOR OF 1.-THE SERPENT'S TONGUE"

foreign title proposition. There were
frequent times, l have heard, when Mr..
Gould had all that he could possibly to
to refrain from tearing the mincing little
Count Castellane to smithereens with his,
Mr. Gould's. bare hands. and he has a
mighty strong and adept pair of athlet-
ically trained hands, at that.
He hasn't been tossing his hat SO very
high in the air over his sister Annals
additional marriage to the de Sagan
person that anybody has mistaken the
flying piece of headgear for toy balloon.
He is, as a matter Of fact, deadly sick
Of the very thought of foreign titles.
And very short time ago he told this
intimate friend to whom l allude that
ne would literally prefer to have his
daughter Marjorie marry an American
truck driver than the ttledest title hold
er on the entire continent of Europe.
He has not had any ''overtures" from
the titled ones as to their chances Of
wedding his daughter Marjorie. for the
very simple and sufficient reason that he
would most unholily kick right down.
stairs the first individual of that charac-
ter who sought to overture" him on any
such a question.
And, as an additional matter of fact, l
have heard it stated quite recently, and
by a person whose position to know all
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-11
DR.. Eliot's Library Expanding.
rom the New York Times

From the New York Times.
When the preliminary announcement
was given of the titles to be included In
DR.. Eliot's 'Five-Foot Library II was
understood that the list was by no means
complete. 1t now appears that a few OF
the titles on this preliminary list have
been withdrawn in the final selectioa,
which is now being published i'm fifty vol
umes as THE Harvard Classics while
probably more than double the original
number of books chosen are being ad-
ded. Thus, from the first list Tenny-
sons Beckett and Walton's Complete
Angler have been dropped. and instead
of Burns Tam o Shanter" the complete
poems of Burns have been substituted
The entire list is not yet completed, but
among the additional works that have
been incorporated in it are nine Greek
dramas, as follows: Again mnon." LII
baton Bearers The Furies.' Prone
the King and "Antigone. by Sophocles:
..Hippolytus' and THE Bacchae," by
Euripides. and THE Frogs by Aris-
tophanes. The continental drama is rep
resented in volume containing Calder
on's Life Is Dream" Comedies "PoIy.
eucte." Racines "Phaeare," Moliere.s
''Tartuffe." Lessings ''Minna Won Barn.
helm and Schiler's william Tell"
Then there are Manzoni's "betrothed
Lovers, CT Promessi Sposi). Aesops
Fables, Grimms Household Tales.
odyssey" Cervantes' Don Quixote.'
first parD: three volumes of essays and
an exhaustive anthology Of the world
poetry.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-11

enough out-of-doors house through
which the breeze can be sent rol ickins
once IN while, instead of one of these
blamed insanitary all huddled together
dumps. But I've always been up against
1T when l wanted to flag this all-huddled-
together house gag and move into a sure
enough house-a detached house Never
could get you to see it. Never was able
to get you to see the advantages of living
IN nice. wholesome house, with piece
of ground around it. Not chance FRS
l sprung on you that bully little house
that / saw over in Anacostia one day,
that We could have got for about vo-
thirds the rent that we pay for tn in
fernal dump; and then when you gave
me the dead eye on that, why / tried to
start something with reference TO that
pretty house with half an acre of ground
around 1t out in Glen Echo. Nix. nix.
Nothing doing. You wouldn't have it,
You wanted to be within easy hitting
distance of the bargain counters and the
punkerino matinees.
And of course you can't bide this
idea of getting away from this rang OF
knocking women that are running in on
you all day long, or that you're running
in on, for the purpose of hammering the
everlasting dayiights out of the reputa-
tions of everybody on earth, including
Your husbands. Oh, l know all about
that gang OF women with the serfen.s'
tongues that you're so chummy wi h.
Don't tell me. We wouldn't have any of
this talk about heat or cold or thin $ if
we lived IL a decent kind of an honest
Injun house devised for human beings TO
live in, Instead of one of these miserable
coops in row. If, for example. we had
that nice little Anacostia house that YOU
put up such a hideous roar about every
time l even mentioned it. why
What's that? 1t was l that made the
final decision that the Anacostia house
and the Glen Echo house wouldn't do,
Ell? / said that we'd be too lonesome
in those houses, did /. and that my
friends would stop dropping in for TIE lit
tie weekly game of draw, and all Ike
that? Oh, certainly! Sure ! did! Surest
thing ever! But 1 might have known
that you'd yank things around SOS to
pass 1t all back to me. All these things
are tossed back to me sooner or later 1t
doesn't make the slightest difference how
strongly and emphatically l get myself
on record about any old matter around
this plant, when the thing comes up for
consideration again. if it's only a week
or so later, why, you deliberately and
brazenly twist my utterances around
SOS to make them look diametrically OBJ
posite to what l really said
''Oh. well. what's the use?'
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-11

you've an instructive and abiding hatred
for fresh air, and You want to peat me
out in this and you've got the idea that
the best way to do 1t is to blk me
it isn't going to work out that way this
time, that's all. I've got some kind of a
little say-so around here, / hope, on Sun
day morning, the only morning when
you're required to endure my hldeous
presence In this apartment.
ION all of the other mornings of the
week you have it to yourself. For SIX
mornings a week you're privileged to in
dulge In your rooted habit Of sitting
around with your hands in your lap In
temperature that would make a Turkish
bath rubber gasp for breath. But on this
one morning of the week, when l have
chance to look into things around here
and the way they're run, why. I'm going
to be selfish enough, as you'd call 1t, to
have the temperature at least little bit
to my liking, and the sooner you stop
scroonching up in that corner, pulling as
yourself as If to wa off arctic blasts.
when right now it's still about 174 in this
room, why, the sooner you'll begin to
make a hit with me.
Just look at the way that piano is all
warped up by the heat! OF course it's
the heat that does that. No wonder that
Internal heat. 1 understand now why it
is that I have to dig up to have that
piano tuned every week or SO. It's the
blasted heat of this place that knocks it
out of tune. Huh? It's only been tuned
once in the last six months? Oh. never
mind picking my words to pieces in that
way, II you please! l know how often it's
been tuned-I've got documents to show
how often it's been tuned.
mo. and 1t isn't any wonder, either,
that the glue Is falling out of all this
furniture. It's the belonged heat. The
first thing / know I won't dare take a
chance on sitting down on a chair in this
plant, the stuff is all SO dilapidated and
rickety from the temperature that YOU
maintain here from about the middle of
September until the end Of May.
Yes, and if the truth were known l
guess it's this heat that forces you to
wear about fourteen pounds of bought
hair when you get your war paint on.
It's the heat that has made you lose
nearly all of your own hair-all but about
nine hairs, | should say. And If l were
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-11

what you call little package with
you. haven't you. Jimmiekin?"
That's what l sure have" he replied.
beginning then, and only THEN. to take
off his shoes. And I'll feel like blazes
in the morning, of course. I'm a pretty
reckon. Can't lean up against the
stuff at all any more without feeling
punk in the morning"
Whom did you meet?" she asked
him, only with mild sort OF an inter
est, because she wanted to finish the
last few pages of the chapter OF her
novel before he turned out the light
oh. Ed Gittbye and frankie Swift.
clip and a lot o. the gang Tossed for
the drinks and played a few games of
billiards: then got stuck three bones
in rafting for bum-looking turkey.
Played a couple games Of pin pool then.
and after that we went to one OF these
imbecile variety shows. 1t was so punk
that / came near going to sleep. Then
we had few more, and here l am, al.
ready with headache. Got any OF
that bromo stuff in the house? I'll he
needing 1t in the morning"
A few moments later he turned out
the light and crept into the alfalfa
That is all.
Happened just that way and no other
way whatsoever.
It's sin and shame to have to pune
things
But the Herewith is Mighty and It's
Not For Sale.
CLARENCE l.. CULLEN.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-11
No Place for CeIestiaIs.

GORGE RICHMOND HAYES. the
~ noted San Francisco ethnologist,
said at recent dinner:
THE yellow races are held in better
esteem than used to be the case in the
west
II once visited a very rough boom
town in Oregon, near Cottage Grove. In
the leading saloon a man with a red
shirt said to me:
"'Ye wanter carry yerself almighty
straight in these parts, stranger. Go
wrong the least mite. and We'll lynch ye
as quick as look at ye.
II smiled.
Would you lynch me-, | asked, if |
killed a dog:'
Would We? he snorted. Why, stran-
ger, we've lynched felIers here for KILN
Chinamen.'
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-11

wv new. why II nOlleT lAdIl lHuctccu
sulphur pits in this inferno Of a room
right now. If we had a thermometer
''Oh, yes, by the way, whatever be-
came of that fine thermometer bought
few months ago and have never clapped
an eye on since? How's that? Oh,
bought that thermometer at least eight
years ago. did 1, and took II down to
my office at least three years ago. did L?
Huh. Sure thing! OF course you'd have
some ballad and waltz to pull the minute
/ opened my trap about that thermom-
eter. That's the way everything goes to
rack or ruin or gets lost or is given to
the ashman or something around here.
No chance on earth 10 keep anything A
man who is fond of his few little posses
sions has a fat opportunity to hang on to
them in plant like this, l don't think.
Anyhow, if we had a thermometer
here I'll bet all the taw agates l ever
owned that it's about 1877 in the shade
in this room right now. Whew. How the
dickens you can stand it gets me. No
wonder you're sick and complaining prac-
teal y all the time. No wonder you go
cred crabapple. It's the outrageous heat
OF of this dump. It's the way you cod
die yourself. Anybody would think YOU
were some kind of bird from the
equatorial regions the way you NOPE and
mooch around here In this terrific,
blindins heat. Gosh! Let's have some
of these windows open. There. that's
something like it. Gee. a little breath Of
decent air feels good to a man who
has to live even one forenoon a week on
Sunday in such an atmosphere.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-11

YOU I'd be careful to cherish those nine
hairs just as long as you possibly can.
A woman can't get along very well on
much less than nine hairs. woman with
less than nine hairs is liable to scare her
husband to death when he's getting ready
to retire at night. Yes, it's the heat, all
right, that has pulled of your hair
out. No wonder YOU have to pay that
Norwegian woman about twenty bucks a
week to massage your scalp, as she calls
it. How's that? You only pay her half
dollar a week to massage your scalp? Oh.
don't tell me such rot. / guess I know
something about common addition. If
that Norwegian woman wasn't fooling
around here every evening last week
when / came home and wanted my
dinner-and couldn't get it on account of
these scalpmassaging operations that
had the whole works turned topsy-turvy-
then she wasn't here once; and please
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-11

by the radiator as if you were already
freezing to death, It's wonder you
don't yell for buffalo overcoat or one of
those tgloo sleeping bags. But If you
think you're going to force me to sit
around here In a baked and roasted and
toasted condition all day Sunday you
might just as well eradicate that think
from your system right now, for I've got
at least the fundamentals of ordinary
knowledge about what common sense hui
man beings ought to do in order to keep
up some semblance of health.
Don't you know that the temperature
that you keep up here all the time would
stif1e and smother and burn to crisp the
naked blacks that squat right in the mid
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-11


over his collar, and If. as is said, the in
Inmates of King Hedwud the Seventh call
him "Tummy." why, the intimates of Mr.
Watson would be quite justified in calling
him "TumnlyTummylets, and lacking
on two or three more tummies; for that's
about how the British king and this poet
OF the british kings realm compare in
the matter Of corporosity.
And then agayne:
William Watson q know. neighbors,
because I've acktilly talked with him.
William Watson English poet, has GER
tain accentuations and infections and in
donations and things that are genuine
cockney.
Yas'm. he has. and no mistake.
Didn't he. no. once but several times
advert TO the country in which we live
AS the United stiles? Do YOU get that
capital - right in the middle of the
.'StItes?" And if stiles isn't cockney
prithee tell me what is and what isn't,
Not only that, but, in speaking of suf-
fragettes going to goal yep. that's Jail,
folks)-didnt he call it, distinctly and
unmistakatlye. ''jie"o
That is exactly and Individually what
Mr.. William Watson, poet of the British,
shore did. lille. Tile. just like that
! can't understand it. I'm disannointed
! like to see poets look the part. lis an
moving when they're plumpish and cock
neyish and green grocerish and things
Now, just take IL the other way around
There's meat for disappointment in TAX
Take, for eXample--if YOU want him
Richard lie Gallienne. the manufacturar
of verses who's been saving the air and
writing replies to the Serpent's Tonp11e
thing and booming his little stock of YER
sifying wares quite a lot through the
controversy.
Take. I say. Dicky IL GaIienne
Dickv, now he looks just like poet
For all the world just precisely like a
poet. Long and angular personality, long
hair, hasSard countenance. unfed look
absent eye. the whole hull thing
But he isn't a poet at all
lie only thinks he is.
So there YOU are.
Them as is. don't look it. and them as
isn't. does.
There's getting to he altogether too
much OF this topsy-tursy stuff in the
world.
THAT New York magistrate who in a
moment of mandrasora- submerged
mentally-dsi ointed dreaming. said in open
court the other morning that IL is the
bounden duty of male creatures provided
with spouses To take the complete, entire
and unopened pay envelope home to their
wives o Saturday nights-that magistrate,
say. now wishes. | No verify believe,
that he had not done TIM same.
It's just like women. Row. isn't it, to
turn on folks that are trying to help 'em
Well that's what the women folks
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-11
know IT'D

ItT
1t was q rare, If not radiant, thing for
this particular taxpayer and citizen to
deposit a solar plexus wallop on the liquid
front of the redeye.
Usually he behaved almost inordinately
we'll.
Occasionally. however, he would become
sort of obsessed Ito use a cherished word
of the Lady Writists) with the idea that
the world was looking pretty gray and
glum; whereupon he would pick up his
moccasins. in a spirit Of carelessness OF
and toss a few amphora into
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-11
HUBBY'S LATE WELCOME AT HOME

lacerate him. that is-wtth her vfpertsh
tongue.
Shed make him wish that he had ex-
pred from cholera infantum at the ten
seventeen hours
Shed call him a 1oafer and an N G. and
souse and a red-nosed hobo and q lot
OF things like that. and he'd ("hic'D pro-
she'd get up. after he'd gone to sleep.
aud frisk his clothes for paper or sill.
vern overlooks; and that's the way IL
ud end.
The humble but strictly veracious
author hereof never saw or veracfously
neard or 1t working out just that way
therefore he cannot find il in him to
set down, In <amily newspaper OF the
character of the Stah-yeah-pape. any.
thing so utterly and INTERNATIONALLY false
and misleading. whatever that may mean.
Therefore,
The taxpayer and citizen we are writ
ing about found his way quite easily to
the keyhole. and when he got in he
turned up the hall gas in order to be
able to see while he hung I'D his hat
ana his overcoat. Then he gazed uuizzi-
caliy at himself for moment or two in
the hatrack glass and decided that his
face was getting too blamed fat and that
he must stop eating SO much.
Then. turning out the gas and with
out ever even dreaming of taking of
his shoes or anything like that what
ever. he walked upstairs. where he
found his wife. comfortably tucked in
the shucks. with the pillows banked
up behind her head (and her hair NOT
done up in curl papers), reading some
fool novel that a woman had told her
day before yesterday that she simply
MUST read if she liked that chile con
carne kind of stuff.
She looked up when he came In.
How do JIM she said to him in an
agreeable enough tone. Little late
aren't you?"
"Hay-o. doll" said he. leaning over
and stalking her to the customary sa-
lutte. Yep. Too late. Met some Of
the BUNCH
$50 1 see," said his spouse. handing
him the old No. inspection. Got
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-11
- Ill

and pressed into my handS SHaii
chunk of manuscript.
.Gravitation from the essentials" said
lie, is enc of the inexplicable yet in
evitable consequences of our polygot
progress at a divergence from the &C
copied. standards of the complete accen-
tuation of the minor note. which. blend
ing. yet dominant. using the word in
the applicability of its most subtle sense.
is heard in its full sweetness amid, or
rather above. in the sense of clarity. the
composite medley of the non-essentials
/ trust you understand.
said J did-which ] ddn't-and gasp
ingly inquired as to the manuscript.
That said he. tossing back the
hair from his forehead and lingering his
flowing tie, lis merely necessarily brief
adducement of the components, evolved
in the laboratory of the mind, of the
chemical reactions of recent incident
the phrasinS is obviously for purposes of
exceeding clarity-developing the niceties
OF the minor tonalities in the casual
contact of the individual as applied to
the so-called--though that is misuse of
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-11
Selfish Fox Hunter.

JAMES f. KEENE, aproros Of the
J jumping contests at the New York
horse show, talked about fox hunting.
Hunting" he said, "devellps a race of
very savage, selfish men. There was, for
instance, Jones.
Jones, on a bitter cold day, was rid
ing hard at brook, when he perceived
the head Of his dearest friend sticking
dismally out of the Icy water. Did Jones
go to his friends assistance? Not bit
of it.
Duck, you fool he shouted. and
jumped over him"