The Fairmont West Virginian. (Fairmont, W. Va.) 1904-1914, 1909-06-28
He Gave Ulysses a Few Bags to Take
Home with Him.

Bill Menelaus of Athens had had a
swell wife called Helen, and somebody
had jiEmied the house and taken
her. It was a case OF Helen gone,
with Menelaus all right. He was
awfully provoked when he awohe in
the morning and found she wasn't
there. At first he wondered If he
could have mislaid her the day before,
and he hunted all about for her, but
she was gone, all right.
Menelaus had a bunch that Pat
Grove had taken Helen to Troy to
work IA the laundry, and he coaxed
at Ulysses to help him recover her.
Finally he agreed, after Agpmamnon
had begun to nag also, and he took
Achilles and Nestor/tno relation 20
the various Nestors of journalism you
have heard introduced at banquets),
and started on a rough.house expedt
ton to the scene selected for tire
trouble. Ulysses had IL ships of his
own. besides all the hardships he got
when he lost his other vessels.
He had an awful passage home,
with no Jack Binns to handle the wire.
less. The ships were grounded under
Capt Crowninshield, at Thrace, and
Ulysses and the bunch of roughnecks
with him plundered the C!cones, found
the Lotus.eaters, a lot Of dope.tfends
on another island, then came to the
Cyclopes island, where Polyphemus, a
one-eyed old monstrosity, lived. Ulys.
SEES wal always after big game, SO he
hid in Polyphemus' cave till the latter
was asleep, took the giants own cleo;
trfc-iight pole that he used for a cane,
and put the one eye out Of commits.
sion with one fell lab.
Such q job OF cutting and runnns
you never saw. Uly and his crowd get
away on anything that would float.
Coming to Aeolus' island, they found
that cid gentleman prepared to sup,
ply bags Of wind for all purposes
That was the first lecture bureau
mentioned In history. He gave Ulys'
ses a few bags to take home with
him, bit they got p%unctured and blew
the boats every which way, landing
the men on the island Of Gree, a lady
palmist. This lady told him to go to
Hales; not in any rude, saucy man.
ner. you understand but literally.
Then that naughty wind came up
and blew Ulysses to some other lady
Calypso. That was a funny thing
about hlm-merely q coincidence, of
c%ourse-that whenever q bad wind
blew Ulysses anywhere, there was a
lone, beautiful woman waiting for
him. At this time he originated the
remark that it is a bum breeze that
blows nobody into q snap.
After living at this place eight years
he got homesick for his wife and fam.
lily. In the last storm he had been in
he had been saved only by tying him.
self to a spar. But always, even when
he was lashed to the mast, he made
a great show of being mashed to the
last, on Penelope.
Finally he got into a row-boat and
started home. He was captured by
taS aSHtStNASG q bORk VI pCSda ktRs
sizes, on the way and was put to sleep
with knockout drops and landed home
in that condition. His wife didn't
know him, his whiskefs had grown SO,
and he wore such few clothes she
wouldn't even look at him long enough
to recognize him. He found about a
dozen galoots trying to cure her Of the
g%rass'widow habit, but she was true.
She had been strlnging her beaus by
requiring them to string a particularly
tough bow. and they didn't have the
gimp in them to do It Ulysses, who
had taken strength lessons by mall,
strung the bow, easily, then killed ali
the doaestic camp.followers, made
himself known and began trying 10
explain where he had been, out 30
late. He kept this up till death 10.
leased him.
Heroipg never aid pay very wen.
anyway
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