The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1909-01-06

Within the year
Such things as "What
The Hotel-Bill?"
And "Hell-and-blszesn
Yes-s-s they will.
The calendar will change with the
usual wakes for the old year and greet
ings for the news Most of us will i'm
mediately date our correspondence
1909, but forgetful people like Mr..
Archbold and Mr.. Rockefeller will
continue dating checks 1908.
The old year will be little mourned
by Democrats and coldly greeted by
lions. 1t will find the piece tribunal
at The Hague closed and the house
staff attending the wars in Venezuela,
Hayti, Washington and Mrs. Nations
address in Scotland.
The end of Leap Year will provoke
Few bachelor regrets,
And the stork will step up like man
And pay his baby bets.
The Roosevelt regime will make
| II pans to 80 H-SuHulHS.
And lions, hippos and giraffes
Will practice up at running.
The Romans tried to make March
the first month of the year, but after
about half of the Irish had frozen to
death trying to march on the 18th.
Numa re-arranged the calendar as a
| erI - l. 10
colony.
January WAS one of the months re-
vised for that occasion. II was named
for Janus, whom the Romans called
1.-THE porter of Heaven" He opened
and closed Heaven, kept it nicely
busted. made up the berths, and
whenever he caught man in there
who was not keeping his newspaper
subscription paid up, he chased him
into the smoker.
No other month is so appropriately
named as this. for Janus was regarded
by the ancients as the beginning ant
the end of all things. He is famou
for having had second face on tn
back of his head, and resembled Mr.
Hartman coming and Mr.. Lawson
going. His temple at Rome was his
toric. When the empire was at wa
its gates were thrown open, aud con
tinued until the time of Augustus
who is said by Prof. Ferrero to hav,
been the prototype of Mr. Roosevelt
At any rate, Augustus cast the gates
of the temple into the tiber and made
it a prison for liars. moll ~ coddles
couples without children, editors, CON
gressmen, nature takers, rich male
factors, religious bigots, reactionariei
and undesirable citizens.
The row between the President
And Congress will become
The hottest thing sin ce David mashed
Goliath's celebrum.
The outraged house will paw the earth,
The Senate will get flip,
The President will rub his fist
Against its upper lip,
The air will he a mass Of fur,
And ripping explosives,
And the timid Congressman will run
From there to where he lives.
The air will pnlsate with the rush OF
bitter verbal shot, the sports will bet
on whether Ted will take it back OF
not, the old men will get ON the roof
and utter their defies, the President
will show his teeth and bulletin the
lies, a special message now and then
will heighten the hub-bub, and a
dozen men day will join the An
anias Club.
The Congr essmen will blister Ted,
And he will soak them back,
The.Senate will put in a punch
And get a counter smack.
They'll say some ugly things to him,
And he will bawl them ont,
The dignity of government
Will dance, ki-yi and shout,
The old Potomac will become
A raging sea of foam,
The public servants family
| Will beg him to come home,
The shindee will divert the orld
By reason of its heat,
And Leob will let it run while,
And then send for the feet.
After that we shall have Taft wealth.
er, with cooler relations at Washing.
ton. Cabinet selections will be an,
nounced on Tuesdays and Fridays
The rich will go to the winter resorts
and eggs will go to 40c. The new sigr
Of the zodiac will be Aquarius, the
water carrier, whose influence viii
begin on the Goth. This will enable
any one who has kept on the water
wagon from the LIST, to remain perma
nently seated. Persons born under
Aquarius vote dry. They have bat
memories, and rise to confidential
positions with trusts. They are also
very knowing, but they don't know
when prosperity will return.
The moon will be full on the 9th
and Mercury will become evening sta
on the Goth. Mr.. Rockefeller will
reach his Southernmost declinatior
on the Goth, when he will turn up a
Atlanta. Ga, for the midwinter gol
. solstice. Golf takes his mind off th
danger Of the oil giving ont.
The Wright's will temporarily Civ
way to the price OF butter, which will
stay up until spring. Mrs. Nation will
. carry the war into London and viii
show the snffragists how to get locket
up in the Tower.
And then brief February of tn,
grounding will be due, and we'll dis
cover pretty quick II he's liar, too.