davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17
HVMOR OF THE DAY

uplifted? Farmer HayTickHWai ye might
boarders.-New York Sun.
"Old Cash landed in this country in his
millions" s'You don't sayl Why, he's got
a centipede skinned to death, hasn't hep
Cleveland Leader.
Ever been in jail?" Countless times.
But that's no detriment to man in my
business" "And what is your busihess?"
I'm a chauffeur. louisville Courier
Journal.
like mine?", 'Td work hard to get to be a
millionaire" 'What-so that you could
feel It when / disinherited him."-cleve-
land Leader.
and me before you were married?'' BE
cause, mamma, 1 was afraid you might
prejudice me against him. Life.
Him-How does she manage to keep her
eant eoGff get " rid Of en- @ or she would. sup aps
pose.-Cleveland Leader.
The Venus of Milo explained: Pulled
'em off hanging on car straps" she said
briefly. Thus we learn beauty does not
always obtain a seat-New York Sun.
'Your story has considerable nerve rat
s daSh Me so %hsf do So9 Want IN
auto story ?'-Louisville Courier-Journal.
"Are you interested in Prof. wright's
comments about glacial men7" mot par
ticularly. I was in Boston not long ago
and met several glacial women. ."-Cleve-
land Plain Dealer.
"He who hesitates is lost" quoted the
Wise Guy. "Oh, don't know" said the
Simple Mug. 'tAt an auction sale he who
hesitates may save his money."-Philadel-
phia Record.
SIumber-I see a young lady wot's en-
gagged ter be married had a bath yester-
day. Hotfoot-Is dat a fact? Slurnber-
Yep. Dis newspaper says her friends
gave her shower.-Judge.
They think they must blame somebody
for our being late tonight and SO they
blame me. Well, my shoulders are broad
Aged Beau (with a low boW)-Aud daz-
zlfngly white. madame.-Chicago Tribune
Edith ?" That's so easy. Jack 'Is it,
Yes" ''Well. 1 don't hear your answer
Because they are men."-Nashville
The only thing that can try woman's
being.-New York Press.
The Bill outsfde.-"why don't vo,,
come in occasionally between drinks - de-
Tnanded the wife, land see the play?, ssT
don't need to-, replied the bibuIous hus
the plot initiates the actors and also
knows a lot of gossip about their personsi
and family affairs. rs.'-Philadelphia FS1iia-
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17

Possibly the Waters-Pierce Oil
company will be hard put this year to
dig up sufficient money for fancy
dividends. It paid it's $4,000 fine in
Missouri and not so long ago it paid
more than $1,500, 600 into the Golfers
of Texas. But maybe it's next friend
the Standard Oil trust will soon boost
the price of oil sufficiently to more
than make good for these fines with
in a short time.
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17

Separate statehood for Arizona and
New Mexico is now in sight, the ma
tional house of representatives having
passed measure making such pro-
visions. Surely the senate will not
find any excuse to hold it up. These
communities have been far more
worthy of enjoying statehood for a
number of years back than have one
or two others in the land which have
given evidence of late that they are
scarcely fitted to be states
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17
BLIND.

She can fry stack of batter cakes
And mix batch of bread,
And run upstairs dozen times
To get kids out of bed
And she can toast loaf OF bread,
And cook q mess of peas,
And do all of these things at once
And do them all with ease.
And yet men go down town of night
And take in vaudeville,
And sit down in the bald-head row
And wonder at the skill
OF some hoboeSque wonder,
And give him repeated calls,
Because he juggles in the air
A bunch of rubber balls.
Houston Post.
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17

Sixty-four blocks of paving are to
be laid in the city streets during the
year. This is just about three times
as much as has usually been laid in
one year during the past decade It
is conclusive evidence that Topeka is
growing in all ways Nothing so en-
hances the value of city property or
the desirability of town as a place
to live in as much as well paved
streets And Topeka is better
equipped with them than most of the
cities of her size in the country.
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17

Anti-prohibition folks will prob
ably point with pride to the will of
late Kansas City saloon keeper by
which over 100000 of his estate is
to be devoted to charities. They must
remember. though, in the midst of
their enthusiasm that if there were
fewer saloons in the world there
would be less need for the extension
of charity
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17

A Georgia editor wants to know in
what part of the country the most
geese are to be found. Well, that all
depends upon what he means by
"geese," and even if this point was de-
cided the subject would still be open
for a wide debate which would be apt
to become a trihe acrimonious.
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17

ed at seeing a ghost" he said. as he
leaped out and came to her. Il sup
posed" He stopped with an embar-
raised glance at her sulky face.
1T doesn't matter what you or any
one else Supposed" she snapped. You
are not going to interfere with me-"
II can't imagine you are sitting here
for pleasure" he said stiffiy. II beg
your pardon, you have reason for Of
fenSe; will try and not add to it.. ne
marched toward his car. Janet stared.
That was unlike Bob. who was not
resentful; she did not understand Dut
could not be left so.
'I will be greatly obliged II you Will
see what ails this thing and start 1t
on" she requested formally. q.
He returned at once and examined IL
thoroughly. ''I think it will have to be
towed to a shop" he said finally.
Very well. was going to Eldon.
I can wait until some one passes who
will haul me in" Janet replied.
ST am not going to leave you like
this!" he exclaimed. "Of course, I'll
tow you wherever you wish"
"Thank you. I Will pay you Tor your
He flushed angrily and started off.
but turned back explodingi LOOK
here, Janet. I know 1t was beasty
thing to do! I see now had no busi-
ness providing substitute;
apologize humbly. Cousin Hal was
transported at the p1 ospect of escort
ing you and 1 suppose you annihilated
upon me, but believe my apology Is
sincere"
So he had tried to foist her upon
another! Janet was furiousl This was
the first she had known of it, having
stolen away early. "I am not in the
least to blame for having burdened
you so often" she cried. II have re-
sisted enough, useIesslyi 1 am deter
mined it shall not happen again-you
can be perfectly sure of that!'
ST have never found you burden
some in he began.
"Oh, you must say that, Of course"
she jeered.
He regarded her earnestly. ct am
entirely sincere when L say that your
company would have been my great
est delight if L could have felt that
you bestowed it upon me freely, with
out pressure from others. Pressure
was so glaring this time. that to rid
you of myself I broke all the laws of
polite convention this morning and
was taking myself off for good"
A great light suddenly turned
Janet's world to paradise of joy.
Running away from me?" she in
quired. dimpling, much to his sur
prise.
Running away from the families"
he said fiercely. They've spoiled all
chance I might have had with you
and I'm pulling out of it-but I'm
not giving YOU up, remember mean
to try to win you when they learn
He was interrupted by shrieks of
laughter. Janet laughed till she was
breathless. "Oh, Bob! Bob! I'm run
ming away, too! I'm pulling out of
it, for the same reason-or was till
this thing gave out"
"But it can't be for the same rea-
son! Why, want you-and you never
had any choice in"
'FWhy, 1 thought you hadn't, either.
Bob! / never thought that you
Janet" he cried. stopping the
stammering speech by seizing her
hands; Janet, if you only knew!"
They gazed into each others eyes
and both suddenly knew!
"Say, grille" he proposed after a
happy interval. +1et's leave the cars
at Eldon, be married and go on with
the running away"
Which they did.-(Copyrighted,
1909, by Associated Literary Press.)
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17
REFLECTIONS OF A BACHELOR
LFrom the New York Press.1

81
Money talks. and the wife who wants
you to give it to her talks back.
The most important thing about having
a good time is imagination enough to
think you are.
The reason people can be proud of their
ancestors is everybody has forgotten
about their records.
The surer woman is that her own
complexion is natural the more suspicious
she can be of everybody else's.
About the only time a man is reconciled
to hard work in the office is when, If it
weren't for that, he'd have to go to an
afternoon tea.
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17

It is certain that the K. U. girl who
helped wait on the tables while the
legislators were the State universitys
guests the other day. and who became
indignant when one of the solons
presented her with dollar tip, was
not from Topeka.
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17

Here's new thought for the protec-
tion of the nation from William Jen-
nings Bryan. He says that a large and
well trained corps of native mission
aries, brought from 'the land of the
heathen,'' educated here according to
Christian doctrines and inoculated
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17

Among the undesirables who are
threatening to invade Kansas are the
brown tail moths and the caterpillars
they breed. according to Professor
Hunter, the entomologist at the state
university. These pests are death to
fruit and shade trees. An effort should
be made, as it probably will be, to
make the stay in this state of these
depredators decidedly unpleasant and
as short as possible. They will prob
ably be expensive guests, though, for
the state of Massachusetts, has spent
$1.500.0O0 in fighting them in the last
ten wears
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17

Presumably, the Nashville Amer
lean has offended the editor of the
Hardeman, Tenn, Free Press for he
asks: 'fWho is the American? Who is
the Nashville American? Who is the
Nashville sour mash American? Who
is the Nashville sour mash sIanderer
American 1''
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17

Evidently. Mr.. Frohman. the IA
nous theatrical manager, had not
consulted his wife. Margaret Ellington,
when he announced that they were to
be divorced for purely congeniaI rea-
sons and that there was no other man
or woman in the case. She adroitly
mentioned the name of the other
man
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17

When it comes to providing queens
for the rulers of the earth the palm
must be awarded to England. The
fair Princess Beatrice of Great Brit
aims royal family is betrothed to
Manual. the Young king of Portugal.
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17

The thought will not down that even
II the legislature does adjourn with
out the majority. the Republicans, re-
deeming all of the pledges it made to
the people in its party platform, it
will not be breaking anY precedents.
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17

The Chicago News doubts if the mon
keys appreciate the honor which Dar-
win thrust upon them.
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17
DrunI1ard Cured by Hypnotism.

Completely cured of the drink
habit Lavean was discharged from
iaiI Friday night. The cure was the
result of five hypnotic treatments by
the Rev Thomas Cassidy. pastor of
st. Marks Episcopal church. To test
the cure, liquor was offered to him.
but Iavean refused to drink. He de-
clared he had no objection to it, and
had no reason for refusing whatever,
but simply wouldn't drink.
Mr. Cassady declares the reason he
had to have the subject arrested was
that the brain must be free from the
effect of alcohol 4S hours before
hvpnotism can be effective. He had
tried to cure Lavean several times
prior to his arrest, but couldn't get
the man to go drinkless long enough
to get a hold with hypnotism.
A prominent business man is plan
ming an investment of $4,000 in a
hypnotic liquor cure hospital. with
branches in the principal cities of the
limited States.-Des Moines dispatch
to New York World.
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17
FTfLL LEASED WIRE REPORT
OF THE ASSOCIATED PRFSS

The State Journal Is a member of the
Associated Press nd receives the full day
telegraph report of that great news or
ganization for the exclusive afternoon
publication In Topeka.
The news Is received IN The State Jour
nal building over wires for this sole pur-
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17
KANSAS. .COMMENT
ALWAYS COMPLAINING.

The. railroads have entered a claim
TO sympathy in the announcement that
dur1ng the last three months there has
| been railing off in the amount of their
business. This is probably preliminary
10 request that they be allowed to In
crease their charges for freight service,
ana to restore the Scent fare where a
reduction has been made to two cents
mile The railroads are so persistent
ly on the watch for indications OF a
falling off in their business that 1t
would really be a disappointment to
them If they could not find it occa-
sionally- The continual whining and
complaining of some of the railroads
is getting monotonous. That which
makes it so is their steady refusal to
squeeze the water out of their stocks
and bonds and reduce their business to
basis of actual cost and worth. AS
long as the railroads continue these tao
tics they need not expect the people will
give them any great amount of atten-
ton. If they chose to adopt the sensi-
BILE course take the people into their
confidence with regard to what was
the actual value of their properties,
what is the cost of operation and what
would be a reasonable allowance for
risk, they would find that the people
in turn would be ready and willing to
pay such charges for service as would
give them a fair remuneration.-Leav
enworth Times.
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17

Daily Matinee 2:3O-High class vauoeViiiL,,SS = =
Evenings 7;45-9:15-IIigh class vauoeNHA0'
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17

For particulars prices and Amusement
elsewhere.
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17

Daily matinee 2:30-High class vaudeviiie.
Evenings 7:45-9:15-High class vaudevlHe'
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17
ADJUSTMENTS.
AT tI1e Grand.

Thursday night-"The Mimic Morlo;1 CO.,
Saturday matinee and nighttime Gov"
boy and the Thief"
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17

Characterization do you desire to be
upIifted? Farmer Hayrick-Wal, ye might
start in by CROWN a better class OF city
boarders.-New York Sun.
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17
IMPORTANT NEWS.

The enterprising Associated Press
has calmed the agonizing suspense of
the public by letting it be known that
Ethel Roosevelt's . dog Ace, which
strayed away to a back alley in Wash
ington to find a bone, has been found,
and that Miss Ethel hurried home from
some social function to welcome MIN
back. The Associated Press also an
nounces the sensational news that Gov
ernor Hadley's children played bean
bag" and rode a velocipede on the Mis-
souri, state house grounds yesterday.
Not to let Chanute be outdone by
Washington and Jefferson City, the
Tribune wishes to announce that F1do,
the NANCY, fiea-bitten darling or susie
Green, the seven-year-old daughter OF
Ephraim Green of this city, missing
her brother Jim today chasing cats IN
Bill Jones' back yard, and that Miss
Susie, who has been crying every night
since her pet was lost, ran all the way
from school and will go to sleep tonight
hugging F'ido, who has been decorated
with a nice, pink ribbon. 1t IS also OF
intense interest to note that Bob and
10, the twin four-year-old sons or
playing leap frog, just east Of the one
story COW shed in which jacob keeps
his old brindle cow.-Chanute Tribune.
THE TARIFF ON LUMBER.
For years the lumber dealers have
asked ana T6C0lNcd pAOICCNANN, e~tltAO'h
amounting to a prohibitory tariff on
lumber. This was done to prevent the
Cheap labor and still cheaper lumber
of Canada coming in. Now after tWen-
ty years of extortion and pools, and
trusts they are asking for protection
still to preserve the forests of the
country although it is not exactly
clear how they reason it that way
Lumber should be placed on the free
list, all wood products such as pulp.
ground woods and such things should
be placed on the free list. In almost
every town in the country there has
been a pool of lumber men, the whole
salers have had pool and the added
cost has been passed on to the custom
err It has been extortion for years and
nothing resembling competition has
been permitted. The independent lum-
ber yard has been made an outlaw.
Now these same dealers have the eff
frontery to ask that they be given pro-
lection in the new tariff bill. About the
quickest way to commit political sui
eide is for a congressman to vote to
keep a tariff on lumber.-Iola Record
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17
Tried to Invent Eggs.

Stimulated by the fact that eggs
are selling at Newton. N. J., at AS
the market still upward, Patrolman
Robert Price has Joined the small
group of scientists trying to produce
artificial eggs. His first experiment
resulted in an explosion from which
he barely escaped with his life. In
stead of compromising an egg, he
merely succeeding in mixing UP what
he now thinks was a dynamite omelet.
1t sent pots and pans through the
windows of his home and shattered
with dynamite omelet has caused him
to change his line of experiments
The neighbors, however. are digging
cyclone cellars, because they do not
know what minute the scientific
dabbling by Price will result in some
thing dreadful.
Some one told Price that a natural
egg is composed of lime. hbrin, phos-
phorus and other ingredients. He
went to a drug store and purchased
them.
''I'm going home and make a few
eggs" he confided to the druggist.
with your assistance can beat any
hen in this county making eggs in
cold weather.
He went home. put a copper kettle
on the gas range, poured the in
gradients into the kettle and then
started the fire going To add to the
neat ne peSan playing upon Lne 1nlA-
ture hot fame from a hloWp1pe.
The lime, f1brin and other things stood
it as long as they could and then they
rebeIled. The explosion dazed Price.
When he came to he began looking
on the kitchen floor for fragments of
egg shells.
4sI guess I forgot to include some
thing essential in my formula" he
said to neighbor.
''You did, the neighbor replied,
"and I know what it is
''Te11 me, and my fortune is made,
the policeman exclaimed, excftedly.
what did I forget 2'
"a hen." the unfeeling neighbor re-
piled, and he and Price are no longer
on speaking terms.-New York Press.
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17
Hard Times for Chinese BARRIERS.

One class of Chinese at least will sin
cerely mourn the emperor's death-the
BARRIERS. For 100 days after the procla-
nation of the death no one is allowed
to shave the front part of his head
These people get a close shave as soon
as they hear of the death.
In most parts of China blue is the
mourning color. The emperor, in Chi
nese formal language. is not allowed
to die like other people. He crash
es'' A prince is said to demise"
ministers of state to stop" officials to
"resign their dignities." Common peo-
pie alone die"
The same love of euphemism shows
itself in other ways. A coffin is spoken
of as "the timber of age or longevity
boards" and when a man insures he
does not entitle his survivors to money
but himself to grave clothes and "a
charming retreat''-that is, coffin.
To the BARRIERS as mourners should
be added the actors, for the 100 days
extends to the performance
Of plays.-Dundee Advertiser.
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17

"But why didn't you consult your father
and me before you were married?' BE
cause, mamma, 1 was afraid you might
prejudice me against him. Life.
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17

"Old Cash landed in this country in HI.
bare feet, ten years ago. Now he's got
millions" You don't say! Why, he's got
a centipede skinned to death, hasn't hep
Cleveland Leader.
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17

Ever been in jail?' Countless times
But that's no detriment to a man in my
business" "And what is your busihess?
I'm a chauffeur. louisville Courier
Journal.
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17

What would you do IL you had a sol
like mine?' I'D work hard to get to be {
millionaire" ''What-so that you coulc
indulge his tastes?' ''No-so that he
land Leader.
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17

Him-How does she manage to keep her
looks? Her-Keep her looks? Why, she
can't get rid of 'em, or she would, sup
pose.-Cleveland Leader.
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17

The only thing that can try a wornan's
being.-New York Press.
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17

The Bill outside.-"why don't Won
rnanded the wife. land see the pIaTq', ct
don't need to-, replied the bibuIous hus-
pand The bartender is familiar with
the plot, initiates the actors and also
knows lot of gossip about their personal
and family affairs. rs.''-Philadelphia F11iia-
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17

The Venus of Milo explained. Pulled
EN- off hanging on car straps" she said
,riefly. Thus we learn beauty does not
Llways obtain a seat.-New York Sun.
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17

why are some people so conceited.
Edith That's so easy, jack ''Is it .
yes Wen; don't hear your answer -
because they are Notwithstanding
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17

"Your story has considerable nerve rat
tie, dash and go, yet it breaks down in
spots.' ''Well. what do you want In an
auto story ry?"-Louisville Courier-Journal.
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17

'He who hesitates is lost" quoted the
Wise, Guy. oh. 1 don't know said the
Simple Mug. ''At an auction sale he who
hesitates may save his money."-PhiIadeI-
phia Record.
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17

"Are you interested in Prof. Wright's
comments about glacial men? mot par
ticu1arly. I was in Boston not long ago
and met several glacial ."-Cleve-
land Plain Dealer.
The Topeka state journal., 1909-02-17

SIumber-I see a young lady wot's en-
gagged ter be married had bath yester-
day. Hotfoot-Is dat a fact? Slumber-
Yep. Dis newspaper says her friends
gave her a shower.-Judge.
Evening times-Republican. [volume] (Marshalltown, Iowa) 1890-1923, 1909-02-01
CHURCH USED As posroFFlcE.
Many Travellers Have Letters Ad-
dressed to Sacred Edfices.

II had no idea" said the new post
man to sexton, that churches got
such heavy mail Who are all these
letters for anyhow"
For strangers who worship here. "
said the sexton. This and those other
two churches on your route are well
known the country over. When young
people from other towns make up
their minds to come to New York their
folk at home are pretty badly worried
over them. In their anxiety they re-
member one of these popular churches
that everybody has read about, and
they grasp at it as a last hope. They
don't know just what the wanderers
Will do in New York or where they
will drift, so they say: We will write
you for while in care Of Mr.. Blanks
church
And they do write here. That
brings the young people around for
the mail. anyhow, and after that. from
a sense of obligation alone, they come
back to the service. 1t means little
extra work for the sexton to look aft
er all these letters, but the influence
for good in the lives of the youngsters
more than makes up for it.'-New
York Press.
Evening times-Republican. [volume] (Marshalltown, Iowa) 1890-1923, 1909-02-01
NOW MADE A SCIENCE.
Work That the Colleges Have Done,
and Have Vet to Do.

Agriculture must rise to meet the
college man, declares writer in the
Century Magazine. The leading agri-
cultural colleges are now SO we'll es.
tablished, and are teaching in such d.
rect and applicable ways. that they
aye creating a body Of ability and SEN
timent touching country life that has
never been known before. This abil-
ity and sentiment is bound to express
itself The influence of these colleges
and experiment stations will surely
remake agriculture and redirect 1t.
This redirection will not show It.
self in increasing the productiveness
Of the earth only. although this must
be the fundamental effort and result.
Ii must consist as we'll in recognizing
the business or commercial interests
of agriculture, and in a radical change
In the ideals and modes of living. We
shall be able to increase the profitable
ness of farming when we have learned
to apply our science, and to organize
1t as part Of good business systems.
We are now In the epoch Of the lauda-
ton of science itself, as II the mere
knowledge OF the laws underlying
good crop and animal production can
make good farmer.