davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Columbus journal., 1909-03-10
CASE OF THE POLITE Poems.
And the Engineer Who Knew Little
Spanish and Tried to Boss Them.

An engineer who came up a while
ago from Mexico told a story about a
man in his line who had lathe. linn
tied knowledge of Spanish but fancied
hat by combining what he knew and
some English he could make the poems
employed on the railway understand.
In his vocabulary were these words:
Para. stop; ustedes hOmbres. you men;
piedras, stones. and via. road. One day
this engineer was walking up the track
and saw a lot of poems standing around
doing nothing. So he stopped and
said:
''Ustedes hombres, why are you
standing around idle? Take those
piedras and throw them in the middle
Of the via"
The always polite Mexicans smiled
and said, Isl, senOr," and the engineer
marched away. Then they debated
what he meant and decided he wanted
the stones thrown on the other side OF
the track. They started to do that
and back came the engineer.
Para, ustedes hombres, para! Didn't
ustedes hombres hear what I said?
Didn't tell ustedes hOmbres to take
those piedras and throw them in the
middle of the via? Why don't you do
what l said?"
And he marched away. as the poems
said suavely, Isl, senor."
They had another consultation and
decided that what he wanted was to
have the piedras thrown clear across
the track in the other direction. So
they began, again, tossing the stones
back again. The engineer came rush
ing back, shouting:
Para, para! What is the matter
with ustedes hombres? Do ustedes
hombres take me for a fool?"
He paused and, believing that he
had come to the end of his speech the
poems bowed gravely and said: Isl.
senOr."
The Columbus journal., 1909-03-10
Fact and Fiction.

well! Well! Is this Uncle Charlie
Seaver?" greeted the city visitor.
I'm glad to see you and hope to have
q very pleasant ride out to the farm
in your old blackboard behind the bay
team. II there is anything 1 have
counted on it is the pleasure of a
ride over these mountain roads on the
farm blackboard behind the old team"
"Er-r-yes, this is Uncle Charlie
Seaver, though I amt nowise an uncle
yet" drawled Uncle Charlie" as he
crushed the city visitors fingers in his
horny hand. Glad you come. You'll
have a good time. I'm sorry, though,
to dfsappoint ye fust of about that
blackboard, but think you'll find this
40-horsepower car pretty comfortable.
The old blackboard followed the mort
gage five years ago come these good
prices for crops"
The Columbus journal., 1909-03-10
True and Faithful.


One does not look for the whole
truth upon tombstone, but there are
exceptions to the rule, as is shown
by the example furnished in a church
yard in HagerstOwn, Md.
This touching epitaph runs as fol-
lows. except that fictitious names have,
for obvious reasons, been substituted
here for the real ones:
Mary F.,
Wife of Walter Jenkins.
Died December 20, 1884, aged 70
years nine months.
She was a true and faithful wife to
each of the following persons:
Jacob Wineman.
Henry Snow.
Philip Harrow.
Walter Jenkins.
-Harper's Weekly.
The Columbus journal., 1909-03-10
The Mission Of Jimmy.

There were two methods of COM
municatiOn in Cove City, both of which
were equally effective. One was the
telephone, which from q single, isO
lated case had developed into an cpl
demic, and the other, which enjoyed
the dignity of precedence and estab
lished custom, was to tell Jimmy Fal
lows. As a general retires to
a hilltop to organize his forces and
issue orders to his subordinates, sc
Jimmy hung upon his front fence and
conducted the affairs of the town. He
knew what time each farmer came
in, where the Helping Hands" were
going to sew, where the doctor was
and where the services would be held
next Sunday. He was coroner, wharf
master, undertaken and notary, and
the only thing in the heavens above or
the earth below concerning which he
did not attempt to give Information
was the arrival of the next steamboat
From Alice Hogan Rice's Mr.. Opp
in Century.
The Columbus journal., 1909-03-10
How Presidents Died.

Death came to presidents and for
mer presidents of the United States in
the following ways: Washington's
death was due to acute laryngitis;
Adams. Madison and Monroe, prac.
tically to old age; Jefferson, chronic
diarrhea; John Quincy Adams, paraly.
sis: Jackson. dropsy; Van Buren,.
catarrhal affections of the throat and
lungs; William Henry Harrison. pleu.
risy; Tyler, cause of death not given
by biographers; Polk, cholera; Tay.
lor, cholera morbus, combined with q
severe cold; Fillmore, paralysis;
Pierce, dropsy. Buchanan. rheumatic
govt; Lincoln, Garfield and Mckinley,
assassinated; Johnson, paralysis;
Grant, cancer at the root of the
tongue; Hayes, neuralgia of the heart;
Arthur, heart trouble; BENJAMIN Har.
rison. pneumonia, and Grover Cleve
land, heart failure following a comph
cation Of diseases.
The Columbus journal., 1909-03-10

verIed moral sense and doubtful san
ity. TRANSACTIONS of Dickens. there
fore. impress the Chinese reader less
than they amuse him. and detective
stories and tales of adventure COM
mand more sympathetic audience.
To the celestial mind the love af-
fairs of David COpperfield can only de
tract from the human interest of that
hero: a Chinese novelist would have
solved his difficulties by making him
WOO and marry Dora and Agnes stimuli
taneously. So of course John China
man does not understand the pathos.
Nevertheless, Dickens works COM
mand a steady sale.-WOman's Life.
The Columbus journal., 1909-03-10
A Mean Trick.

II understand that there was
trouble over at your house last night. :"
There certainly was" :.
Anything secret about it,"
Not SO far as my part in it goes.
l had heard how Gov. Patterson of
Tennessee wears trousers which con.
tain no pockets, so l just had my
tailor make me pocketless pair"
"Well?"
We'll, my wife Wrestled with them
in the dark for an hour, then she
sneaked out Of doors and examined
them by moonlight, then she came in
and turned on the light and laughed,
then tho trouble started"
The Columbus journal., 1909-03-10
DEAL LIGHTLY WITH THE OUNCE.
Reasons Why Some Children Simply
Cannot Learn.

A small coterie of French doctors is
at present studying school children.
and has at the moment under its es
pecial observation that infahtile phe-
0omenon known as the Ounce. The
existence of the Ounce is frequently to
be attributed, they declare. to faulty
hygienic environment, unsuitable food
or tactless treatment. incidentally
they assert that q disposition for
mathematical studies Is no criterion
Of capacity for original or vigorous
thought, and that the ability to deal
with numbers is often observable in
the very weak Of mind, says the New
York World.
The Ounce, they say, is often any
thing but q Ounce. The poor child
may suffer from weakness of sight, or
incipient deafness. and his teacher
fail to note the fact. Morbid shyness
and self-consci0usness, often charac.
terfstic In children, are the sO-calleG
billiards. inability to learn. All chill
dren do not progress with the same
alertness. The phenomenon of grown.
ups who are ten years behind their
age, in regard to mentality, has been
noted by all physicians. Corvisart,
NapOleon's doctor, declaring that
these minds often prove the finest
when they reach their maturity, and
that the fact of their backwardness is
invariably sign that a ripe old age
will be reached.
The personal character of children,
say these French doctors, requires to
be trained in respect to pluck. initia
tive and interest, before the purely
mental attributes can be expected to
come into play. Children who evince
dislike to play should be taught that
success in play and kindred matters
Is the surest guaranty of success in
the great game of life later on. Par
ticular care must be taken in the
selection of schools and schoOl.sur-
roundings for children who are I'M.
usually fat or overgrown. or who show
a tendency to be what is known as
''old-fashiOned." When children are
likely to become the butts of their
companions. parents cannot be too
careful in deciding as to how they
shall be trained. Observation and the
advice of physical attributes, are the
safest guides If the rearing of whole.
some men and women be, as it
should be. the end of early education.
The Columbus journal., 1909-03-10
POSSIBLY NAME WAS "LooIE.'
Anyway, Sleepy Passenger Objected
to Being Called "eilI."

There was q passenger on . Chest
nut street car the other day who was
peacefully dozing-not. 1t was quite
evident, through having had too little
sleep, but through having had too
much drink.
When the conductor approached for
the fare the somnolent one paid no
attention whatever, but continued to
sojourn in the land OF dreams.
Hey. wake up! Give NJ yer faro
there!" sang out the conductor.
Shores from Peaceful Valley.
Hey, wake up"
Deep calm and content. The con-
ductor grew more vehement He
leaned over and plucked the passen-
gers sleeve. With Q start the com
nolent one regained consciousness.
Hey. BILL" remarked the con-
ductor, give % yer fare"
The other stared at the conductor.
Hurry up. Bill"
Bill" turned pale with fury.
"How-how!" he Numbered, while
all the other passengers jumped in
alarm. how you know my name amt
Looie?"
And until that was satisfactorily an
swsred BY the conductor there was no
fare Observation-Disclosures Ledger.
The Columbus journal., 1909-03-10
Quite Maryelous.

DO you know" said the cheerful
idiot that it is the easiest thing in
the world to tell whether q man is
going for his holidays or returning, by
the way he carries his portmanteau?"
Il never thought Of that" said the
simple young man. What is the diff.
ference?"
1T Is just this way" he went on.
when man is going away he carries
his portmanteau toward the railway
station, and when he is coming back
he carries 1t In the other direction"
The Columbus journal., 1909-03-10
0i0hpan Suicide.

Race suicide has resulted in one
commercial contraction that not even
President Roosevelt ever counted on.
It has caused .dishpans to grow
smaller.
Where are the enormous dishpans
OF yesterday?" queried q woman shop.
per. The kind that you could pile all
the dishes used BY . family OF II
into 1t one timer"
They don't make them any more"
oaid the clerk. because there are M
families Of Ii. Smaller families mean
fewer dishes 70 wash, and tie siso q
IL 01ohDa1O has GAIunk aAnnrAinaavs
The Columbus journal., 1909-03-10
ROSE TO DIPLOMATIC HEIGHT.
Young Man Proved Decidedly Equal
to the Occasion.

Harold visits on terms Of intimacy
q household that boasts Of three good.
looking sisters-Betty, Babbie and
Elen-and Of these Harold has not
yet quite made up his mind touching
. certain important contingency.
On one occasion, when he had called
early and no one was yet downstairs.
Harold was halfdozing In . Morris
chair in the library, when suddenly .
pair Of soft little hands covered his
eyes and . sweet little voice COM
manded:
Guess Who!"
Immediately Harold was up Z tree.
He couldn't for the life of him de-
tsrmine whose voice It was-Betty's?
Babies? Ellen's? A wrong guess
would mean complications too awful
to contemplate. Finally, however, .
happy solution Of the difficulty offered
itself, and Harold blandly announced:
It's the dearest, sweetest little girl
In all the World!"
Dear Harold" murmured the young
thing, a. she removed her hands,
Lppincott's.
The Columbus journal., 1909-03-10
The Rulino Passion.

The man who twisted proverbs and
sold them to cheap magazines was
finally arrested for his misdemeanors
They overpowered him and put a
nice new, shiny set of manacles on
him. Did he assert his innocence? No.
He glanced at his handouts, and said
with a fiendish grin: Fine letters
make fine jailbirds.
The Columbus journal., 1909-03-10
Rest for Our InteIIioence.

Ignorance, considered alone and
aside from truth with which it Is SO
sweetly harmonious. is rest for our
Intelligence; it maks US forget our
past evils. dissimulates the present
ones; in fine, 1t Is a boon, since 1t
comes to US from nature-Barnardin
de Saint Pierre.
The Columbus journal., 1909-03-10

Venezuela received it's musical
name from the early Spanish resi-
Venice in the sites of the inland cities.
The llanos, or bleak plains, on which
the llaneros live a precarious life,
have largely changed their character
since Humboldt saw them. Then
these great plains of grass supported
innumerable herds of cattle; but civil
war led to the destruction of the
beasts to feed the insurgents. The
llanos are now rapidly becoming
potential source of timber.
The Columbus journal., 1909-03-10
Dickens, Stories in China.

The Chinese are rapidly taking up
western ideas. and TRANSACTIONS of
English and French novels are now
in increasing demand. Our romantic
and sentimental treatment of love az
fairs. however, is thing SO foreign tc
oriental ethics that the hero of the
ordinary European novel appears to
the Chinese mind ~ . person Of Der
The Columbus journal., 1909-03-10
Pronunciation,

Here Is what recognized authority
says on the subject: In spoken Ian
guage, pronunciation IL the most strik-
Ing element, and thus It happens that
1t is, more than any other one thing,
the most obvious test of general cul.
ture. Even in q speaker Of recognized
ability, his mispronunciations fall
harshly upon the ear. and cause the
hearer to suspect that his early, II not
later. education has been wanting in
polish, or that he has not been accus-
toned to the society of refined and
cultivated people," Surely this writer
does not overestimate the case or ex-
aggerate. in any way. the importance
Of correct pronunciation.
The Columbus journal., 1909-03-10
Advertised Letters.

Following is list Of unclaimed mail
matter remaining in the post Office At
Columbus, Nebraska, for the period end
ing March 10, 1909:
Letters-Edwsrd Boreson with On
Trial For His Life Co.. George Becker.
Miss Bertha Fultz, Joe Hyman, W E
Hacker, Carl Holtzworth, George NashO,
wv Pitchford 2, r Spurlock, w E
Thsclxer, Mrs Fred Wing.
Cards 81 B Eicherly, B Lamb, Don
aid Wilson.
Parties calling for any Of the above
will please say advertised.
CARL KRAMER, p. II.
The Columbus journal., 1909-03-10
OLD MAN REFLECTS
SOME Pertinent OBSERVATIONS
~ MR.. CROUCH.
In This Case He Takes Note Of Things
Women Say About Their Aus-
bands-Liver Tonic About
What He Needs.

Although she knows perfectly well
that you can be the wooziest kind of
sentimentalist, even on occasions
when you are unfed. she will per
sfstently work In that frazzled, moss
covered promidiom. "The way to .
mans heart lies through his stomach"
Let her. They'd die IL deprived OF
their favorite wheezes, Of which this Is
q sample.
She tells you that before you were
married you were only too eager to
stoop down and tie her shoes lace
when 1t became united on the street.
Now, however. you-er-you-Well,
prisoner at the bar, what have you to
say to that? Guilty as indicted. Re-
manded for sentence.
She is fond of quoting the somewhat
gulpy, tremolo music observations of
the emotional type of famous men
about how much they owe Of their
greatness" to their mothers.
Beware this deadfall. She wants
you to pay a little tribute to your
mercy sakes alive! you don't call
yourself great, do your"
She insists upon telling you every
word Of what Mrs. Gitapp said. and
what she herself said in reply. and
you rest your book in your lap and
pretend to be profoundly immersed in
her somewhat pifly and pointless mar
rative.
But begin to tell her something in
which you yourself are peculiarly in
terested and observe how quickly
she'll get into an unhearing trance, or
stare out of the window. or start to
play with the kitten. or something.
She never forgets to remind you.
particularly when you're in blithe.
chirpy humor, about how that gloom
creating bald spot of yours seems to
be spreading every day. But just you
happen to mention those tell-tale hol-
lows that are beginning to appear at
the sides of her chin, and see what
happens. that's all!
Merely mention, by way Of making
talk, that her just-departed caller ap-
peared to possess a somewhat high
pitched, raucus voice, and she'll in
stantly declare that it's . perfect
shame and degradation the way you
positively loathe and despise all of her
friends. and that pretty soon it'll get
SO that everybody I know will be
afraid to come near me-"
Drop downtown just one evening by
yourself. and at breakfast the next
morning you'll have an even-mOney
chance of hearing that old. old plant:
Il must be becoming perfectly hideous
or something. for you never take me
anywhere any more"
She'll sit in bad light of an eve
ming and embroider q shirt-waist I'M
til her eyes are all but dropping out of
her head. But ask her to sew a bat
ton on your pajamas and she'll tell
you that you just must try to pull the
buttons of your garments when you
remove 'em.
Ever notice how she positively de-
lights in telling the prettiest women
that come to your home how terrific.
ally you snore?-Chicago Journal.
The Columbus journal., 1909-03-10
Best Medicine 10 Sleep.

The best nerve food in the world Is
sleep. Good, sound. refreshing sleep
will do more to replenish the nerve
centers and build up a tagged brain
than anything that can be devised.
Nervous people ought to cultivate the
practice Of sleeping after dinner. A
short nap after the noon meal will
strengthen the nerves, and make 1t
much more liable that the rest Of the
day will be spent in some sort Of
comfort.
The Columbus journal., 1909-03-10
Walker TOwnship.

V01ACk 4V"0OnAARs
Martin Nelson moved on to his farm
Tuesday Of last week.
90. Thompson and wife were in
Fullerton last week, attending court.
Farmers arc busy these days filing
their barns with hay and otherwise get
ting ready for spring work.
Quite Q number Of the farmers from
This neighborhood attended the Smith
sale in st. Edward last Saturday.
Some time ago A. p. johnson con-
tracted his wheat for 81 per bushel, and
he u now delivering it in st. Edward.
We have had fine weather for some
time, but Tuesday reminded US that it
ID winter, but this may not last very
long.
The Columbus journal., 1909-03-10
Route No. 3.

Route NO. 5.
Al Butler has moved on the J. p.
Becker farm. 81, ...r.
Mn. Vim. Lange's condition is report
cd about the same.
We are informed that Arnold Schmitt
i now in Seattle, Wash.
Louis Wurdemsn was Q guest on
Route Sunday evening.
Mr.. and Mn. Geo. Saalfeld are moving
into their now homo this week.
]. r. Goedekeu transacted business
at Platte Center last Saturday.
Considerable corn, hogs and cattle are
bsing marketed by Route 8 patrons this
wei.
Thec.rrisr Is very grateful for fsvors
shovn him and his horses by the patrons
during The last week.
Min Louis Drunken and mother were
guests ct the homo Of Meta Albers, near
Platte Oanter, Monday
Mr.. and lErs. Krause and Bob, from
Crsston, Sundayed ct tho homo OF Mr..
and Nm. o. p. Newman.
Fred Drunken, Who has been spend
inR the winter In Chicago, 10 now work
ing On farm near Smith Center, KaA
Mr.. and Nm. Frank 8eaton are now
doniniled st the Bison home, 0f. Sea-
tn bsing smployed by c. ]. Bison for
the summer.
The Columbus journal., 1909-03-10
Route No. 1.

Herman Gigox lost Q valuable work
horse Last Thursday.
Albert Lemp was on the market with
Q or Of hogs last Thursday.
Miss Lydia Luschen lie visiting her
sister, Ms. Otto Loseke, at Creston.
Harry Erb Of Central City was visiting
1T the home Of his aunt, Mrs. 81. b.
Reed, last Saturday evening.
Nr. and Mrs. C. E. Devlin entertained
the families of f. A. Scofield and 81. B.
Reed Last Sunday at their home at the
driving park.
The Columbus journal., 1909-03-10
Sometime Saved.

Can you help me, ma'am?" asked
the itinerant at the door. Il was
burned out last night and lost every
thing"
Lost everything"
Eyes, everything, ma'am."
well, you don't seem to have lost
your nerve. You were around here
last week and told me the same
story"
The Columbus journal., 1909-03-10
Friaht Reeujts In PARALYSIS,

An engineer at a paper works at
Essonne, France, recently pushed an
other employe into . big dye tub for
joke. When the victim had
changed his clothes he returned to the
works, and. seizing the engineer, made
~ though to drop him over the para
pet on the second floor. The engineer
was % frightened that paralysis en-
sued. the whole Of his right side
being seized. His condition IL very
grave.
The Columbus journal., 1909-03-10
Into 1emptAtion.

Hicks-So. Mr.. Gayboy is going to
spend fortnight at Old Orchard while
his wife Is in the mountains?
Wicks-Yes; what Of it?
Hicks-Oh, nothing-only she ought
to tie string around his finger tn re
mind him he is married.
The Columbus journal., 1909-03-10
Bill Board Space Given to Club.

Bill Board Space Given to Club.
A space ten feet square on a bill
board facing Lafayette square. in New
Orleans, has been given to the mem
bers of the New Era club by Junius
Garrick, and will be made to help In
the suffrage campaign the club is car.
rying on. Each week important facts
concerning the movement will be an
nOunced on the space.
The Columbus journal., 1909-03-10
Heaven.

The desire to get to heaven would
b more general than 1t IL II q good
many people were not Of the opinion
that the gold with which the streets
there are paved must be. nailed down.
-Chlcago Record Herald
The Columbus journal., 1909-03-10
The wifa's Trih,,<s

Your husband wor q good man."
declared the sympathetic Mrs. Casey
to the bereaved widow. He Wort"
exclaimed Mrs. Murphy, dashing the
tears from her eyes. mo two police.
min cud handle him."!Tit-BitsL
The Columbus journal., 1909-03-10
Taking Chances.

Taking Chances.
He II . professional gambler, 10
he not?"
mo. . professional gambler never
takes chanceS."
SDoo0 he take chances!"
Hes going TO get married. =
The Columbus journal., 1909-03-10
MUST HAVE MONEY
CHECK DOES NOT GO WITH YOUR
UNCLE SAM.
Even Men Whose Names Are Synony'
nous with Dollars in Millions
Have to Put Up the Actual
Currency.

Have to Put Up the Actual
Currency.
Where is the private citizen who
would refuse to accept q Vanderbilt.
Aston, Morgan, Rockefeller, Gould, OF
other millionaire's check in payment
for q bill for services rendered? Ye,
Uncle Sam will not when 1t comes tC
settling up for customs duties on i'm
ported personal effects of ocean trav-
elers.
Even a certified" check does not
serve to remove the financial credulity
of the nations treasurer, as several
millionaires who recently arrived from
Europe discovered when they ten
dered guaranteed" checks In payment
for the introduction of foreign goods
for household use.
There is not a bank or financial in
stitution in the country but which
will accept q certified check as the
equivalent of good, hard cash. Uncle
Sam demands the coin Of the realm
however. and will not admit, as it is
technically called. any dutiable article
until he gets it.
Not long since C. Oliver Iselin, the
yachtsman, whose fortune is estimated
at seven figures, arrived from England
in . White Star liner and offered his
check for $4,000 in payment of duty
on some curios which he bought
abroad.
Il am sorry, Mr.. Iselin, but We are
not permitted to take anything but
currency" said Deputy Collector Viii
liams. The Corinthian navigator of
several Americas cup defenders
smiled incredulously, although he was
in a hurry to get away from the pier
to catch a train.
Mr.. Iselin\se one of his accom-
panying Wallets downtown and secured
the requisite cash, saying with laugh
as he turned it into the branch Gus
tom house on the pier:
Il suppose the government must be
careful who it deals with
Another millionaire whose check
was declined under similar circum
stances showed his displeasure by
threatening all sorts of official pun
ishment, and ended with the state.
ment that he would have the SILLY
regulation" revoked II he was obliged
to spend his last dollar in doing SO
He was still sputtering and Tuning
when Barney" Biglin, the veteran
politician. came upon the scene and
lent the millionaire $1,75O to pay the
Indebtedness to the government.
What makes me mad" said the mil
lionaire to Biglin. "is that l. who car
raise ten millions in half an hour, and
that over the telephone. should be
held up for paltry $3.50. A rule
like that is outrageous"
The rule has not been revoked, how.
ever, despite the millionaire's threats
and Uncle Sam is doing a strictly cash
business at the same old stand.