The gold leaf. [volume] (Henderson, N.C.) 1881-1911, 1909-09-30
Mr.. Dooley Rules Both Out.
.Statesville Landmark.

Statesville Landmark.
When DR.. Cook and Commander
Peary announced the discovery of
the North Pole. Mr.. Dooley, Finley
Peter Dunne), the Irish philosopher.
expressed the belief that both we're
telling the truth. 'T'll behave emmy
man, Hinnissy," said he, "who has
lived on tallow candles and dog for
two years" But subsequent "tisty-
mony" has caused Mr.. Dooley to
change bis mind. Hear him:
9TH other day. Hinnissy. | told We
that 1 thought both Nv these here In
threpid explorers had discovered tn
North Pole. I've had to change me
mind about it. Afther lookin' over
tn tistymony iv both gallant souls,
studyin' it carefully an maxim all
allowances fr typographical errors
an poetic license, I'm foorced to say
that tn weight iv Evidence goes to
show that nayther iv thin was at tn
North Pole. It's aisy to figure out.
Peary is a man OF unblemished char
actery. Ivrybody admits that. He
settles Cook. He says Cook niver
was nearer the North Pole thin tn
stove in an Eskymo's home that was
named afther him. On Peary's on
supported statement am prepared,
Hinnissy, to say that Cook In an i'm
poster. But, on tn other hand, Cook
says Peary did discover tn North
Pole. Hes bis principal witness.
But Peary says Cook is liar. An
there you ARE.
"Peary has proved conclusively to-
me mind that Cook was niver at tn
North Pole. I'd take his wurrud fr
1t alone, but he backs 1t up with w.
idence. He'll be able to show that
tn speed tn Dock says he made was
impossible. he thraveled more thin
half as fast as Peary. He SAYS he'll
show by tn Evidence Nv thruthful an
veeracyous Eskymos that tn Dock
was niver out iv sight iv land. Who
ARE tn Eskymos, says We? Tn
same relible witnesses Dock Cook
brings for'ard to establish his claim
to be tn fret in that great Cana
jeen suburb! No less Tn very men
that accompanied him on that dread
l journey, his Lille sevanfs, bis faithful
| companyons, who rode over tn fro.
zen seas with him, shot tn muskox
an TIL polar bear with him, divided
their last gum dhrop with him.
pinted ont tn pole to him an give
him q CERTIFICATE TO take back With
him!
| But Dock looks Indictment Of
| Peary IL aven more rrushin'. TIL
malignant spirit Nv TIL man l. shown
in his rejoinder. He endorses Peary's
claim.
well. sir, til Lord save me FIRM
diskiverin' anything. II can believe
what both these here gin'rous foes
says about each other, tn COVER
| mint ought To stop thin at Essis
Island "a. undesirable immigrants
Dock Cook says. says he: 1 do not
wish to say anoythiDg republication
about me old commander, but IL be
don't return tn kag Nv bIubber an
tn bag iv gum drops he stole firm
me hut last year Ill go To tn polls
about it. Did you notice his watch?
| make no charges, but II he shows
an open-iace silver watch marked
with tn initials Dock Cook to show
that he's been at tn North Pole, let
me know, says he.
Says Peary: j missed pair iv
rubber boots, "a scarf pin, two bar'ls
iv homeless candles an a bar iv shaw
in soap whin / come back to Etah.
| do not know who stole thin but tn
description iv tn man seen lurkin'
around me cabin taiiies with sar-
tain alleged employer from Brook
lyn.'"