davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Los Angeles herald., 1909-08-01
ILARIOUS HEPISODE

7 ONDON asbin throwne into con-
wulsions of lofter horl on account
~ of Eloizer In the shype of uge
RET. 1t was no hordinary ret, but
vun vich invyded the sycred pre-
sinks of an All of Justice. In plain
American, an English humorist has
written a screaming account of law
suit, brought, 1t seems to us, to ad-
vertise Peter Pan, the Barrie conceit.
If an advertisement was wanted, then
the London journals fell for 1t, but
we are indebted to them and to
the man who plays the Pan pipes for
a choice specimen of English wit and
humor. Please note how easy 1t is to
be betrayed into evil ways. 1.-The
man who plays the Pan pipes" is an
exact imitation of English wit When
you learn we intend to onvey in this
phrase an occult reference to Barrie's
press agent, the English method of hu-
NOR will be revealed to you. Beware
of It.
The reporter for the London paper
labored hard to bring his readers into
sympathy with the excruciatingly
funny court proceedings for which a
hypothetical rat was responsible.
Tenants of a bungalow sued a land
lord for damages, because, they al
legged, the place was infested by rats.
One witness testified: when we
were entering the bungalow one night,
a rat came rushing at me from the
sitting room" The presiding justice
remarked: 1T had been sitting in
the sitting room" The London re-
porter says the justice smiled with sat
isfaction at mis- Joke, and adds in
brackets, cloud laughter)"
Joy was now unconfined in that Lon
don court In a few minutes the wit
became acute, and the London chroni-
cler is moved to split his story in two
with the line.
"ANOTHER JOKE"
Goodfellow, was positive there was
only one rat. Il knew him for four
years" he said He used to run
up the pipe outside the house and
get into the bathroom"
ITO get a bath?" Mr.. Justice Rid
ley remarked.
cloud Laughter)" in brackets fol-
lowed this remarkably brilliant scin-
tillation of English wit. Mark Twain
would better look to his laurels. The
Jumping Frog Of Calaveras county is
outdone by the Romping Rat of Mid
dlesex county. loud and prolonged
lofter. Oh, say CAN you see the
jokeY
Los Angeles herald., 1909-08-01
SANE AND SHREWD

kk 1 ND did you think" asked Je-
u rome, contemptuously, that a
"A man who could not spell and
could not use the English language
correctly could ever be senator for
Pennsylvania?
This is one of the questions Mr..
jerome would better have left unasked.
II stirs up a train of memories, and,
even though Mr.. Thaw left 1t unan-
swered, it is certain to provoke all over
the country answers in the nature of
repartee.
A little thing like the use of the Eng
lish language has never been allowed
to be much of a factor in the choice Of
Pennsylvania senators. The senatorial
history of Matt Quay's state shows
senators have been chosen because
they had the pull" or had the mon
ey." Thaw selected Pennsylvania as
the most likely state in which his mon
ey and his fathers money, and his
fathers prestige, combined with the
steel trust and a few allied interests,
could send him to the senate. Mr..
Thaw's reply should settle the question
of his sanity, If there should still be
any lingering doubt. His plan to use
his steel trust connection and his asso-
citation with the Pittsburg millionaires
for the purpose Of entering the senate
gave no evidence of insanity. The out
slider would be more apt to think that
not Harry Thaw but the people who
stand for a miserable system which
sends moneybags to the senate might
be deemed insane.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-08-01
HELD UP
D HEoDoRE ROOSEVELT in his
presidential message to congress

H HEODORE ROOSEVELT in ms
presidential message to congress
that accompanied the report or
the country life commission said that
as a result of the commissions inves-
legations the following three general
and immediate needs of country life
stand out First, effective co-opera-
tion among farmers to put them on
level with the organized interests with
which they do business; second a new
kind of schools in the country which
shall teach the children as much out
doors as indoors and perhaps more; SO
that they will prepare for country life
and not, as at present, mainly for life
in town; third, better means of commu-
nication, including good roads and a
parcels post, which the country people
are everywhere, and rightly, unanimous
in demanding.
Good rural roads ana good rural ed
ucation, or, generally speaking, good
roads and good education go together.
Now think of the plight of Los An
geles! A Grabbed stupid, myopic in
terest is obstructing the use of the
school bonds and making it certain Los
Angeles will be unable to offer educa-
ton to all the children who viii ask
for 1t!
The success of good roads plans is
menaced by the supervisorial welchers
who wish to repudiate their solemn
league and covenant with the people
to work in harmony with the advisory
committee.
Los Angeles has long ago learned the
lesson perpetual vigilance is the price
of good government and progress. Vig-
lance must be redoubled in order to
rescue the great educational interest
of Los Angeles from the most insidious
attack that has ever been made upon
it-insidious because conducted under
cover of legal procedure which may
give a plausible color of respectability
to the anarchism which in reality is
the inspirational cause And vigilance
must be redoubled in order to make
sure the people will not be euchred out
of the benefit and advantage of special
representation in an advisory COM
mittee in connection with the expendi-
ture of the good roads bonds money.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-08-01
CHINESE SCHOOLS

TN NEW YORK work among the
Chinese by women missionaries
n has been discontinued, and the Chi
nese Sunday school, with its fair eau
casian teachers, is no more. The at
tempt to give religious instruction to
Chinese by white women has been
abandoned. Henceforth if John"
should desire to learn one Of the creeds
of ChristendOm he will have TO be con-
tented with a male teacher: but, for
some reason, since men teachers were
introduced into the Celestial Sunday
schools of Manhattan, these Celestial
schools have consisted of walls, chairs
and men teachers. There is much
bitter feeling in New York over what
is accepted as positive proof that the
Chinese attended the mission Sunday
schools because they were taught by
amiable and pretty white women, and
not because the heather learned a new
creed
We certainly do not wish to hurt the
feelings Of anyone interested in Chi
nese work, but we have heard the
statement made repeatedly by learned
Chinese that no Chinese, even of the
coolie class, ever was a genuine con-
vert to the Christian church. Many
Christians have been tempted to adopt
Buddhism, which is one Of the great
religions of China, but few Buddhists
have become Christians, as the Budd-
hist religious philosophy will not allow
the urinary pOstulates on which rho
foundations of Christianity are laid,
and therefore the well instructed Budd-
hist cannot find any point of departure
for an excursion into Christianity. It
would be as difficult for a real Budd-
hist to become q Christian as it would
be for a Christian to explore the fourth
dimension of space; and yet there have
been numerous alleged examples of
Chinese Buddhists abandoning their
ttanscendental philosophy for expert
mental Christianity.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-08-01
SENATE HUMOR

N HAUNCEY M. DEPEW uttered the
following commentary or footnote
~ on the senate debate on tariff: 81
have admired the senate all my life.
The giants or the early period-the
great triumvirate, Webster, Clay and
Calhoun-created the sentiment that
this is the most august assembly In
the world. But their speeches. wonder
full in their literature, covering exhaus-
lively a wide range of subjects, very
platitudinous and lengthy, would not
command senate of today. They are
devoid of humor. and humor is neces-
sary for a modern statesmen"
That settles 1t. All the old timers are
historically down and out. There were
giants in the land in those days" But
they took life seriously. We confess to
a weakness for humor. We believe 1t
has a most important mission in life,
and we think an editorial page in which
there is never CLEAN OF humor pro-
duces melancholia and dyspepsia, and
has tendency to decimate the ranks
Of the readers of a paper.
At the same time. we must confess
that until Mr.. Depew suggested It we
had searched by sea and shore ESQ to
speak, to find some humor in the tariff
situation.
After long, persistent brain cudgelling
(Which left our gray matter fairly black
and blue) we reached the conclusion
Senator Depew's insinuation that the
speeches of protection spell binders and
tariff reformed spelling binders and all
other kinds of spielers and spell binders
were not devoid of humor was derived
from his subtle and intimate knowledge
of the fact the Republican tariff sched-
ules abound in jokers.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-08-01
GREATER LOS ANGELES

ON Wednesday, August 4, the people
of Los Angeles and Wilmington
" will vote for consolidation, and on
Thursday, August -, Los Angeles and
San Pedro will record the verdict as
to union. While we believe the pre-
dictions of consolidation workers that
the cause of Greater Los Angeles is
sure to win are founded on reasonable
probabilities, yet we deprecate over
confidence and urge voters and all in
terested in the Greater Los Angeles
project to WORK for it and not merely
to trust to the Fates and the good
fairies. 1t is not improbable consolida-
tion could not be seriously interfered
with. But, on the other hand, 1t should
be remembered the one and only pos
sble cause of interference, which could
be used to good advantage by corpora
tion and anti-consolidatlon agencies, is
the too-sublime confidence which takes
it out in talk" and is reposed on the
belief the neighbors have all done their
duty and voted.
No matter how confident you may be,
it is your duty to vote. And voters
should cast their ballots early Put in
your shot for Greater Los Angeles, and
then, with clear conscience and happy
heart, spend the rest of the day talk
ing about it and stirring up the back
ward to do their duty. There is a
passage of Scripture which expresses
accurately the situation with regard
to consolidation elections. 1t is, Faith
without works is dead" Have all the
faith in Greater Los Angeles which that
patriotic project invites, but get out and
work for 1t. Hustle and vote for
Greater Los Angeles. 1t is your DUTY.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-08-01

Sometimes an accidental dip into the
dictionary gives a startling revelation
of the astounding vagaries of the
American language. When we chide
the Chinese for giving different mean
ings to different intonations of the
same sound we should remember that
without any differentiating intonations
the word lucifer means the morning
star a match ignitable by friction, or
Satan. And there are many other eX-
amples of words Of multiple meaning.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-08-01
Two Cases

The great and learned Socrates
Possessed a wife, they say,
Who thought him but
A useless mutt,
A dullard and jay.
Now Mrs. Gasbag thinks her hub
The greatest man around,
Keeps closest tab
On all his CAB
And thinks 1t most profound.
Kansas City Journal.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-08-01
Far and Wide
Army of Workers

There are nearly million boys each year
who terminate their school life and go to
work to living. The majority OF them
arc poorly equipped for their life work by what
they have learned In school. Their education
is along such lines that II they able 10
continue 1t long enough they make fair bank
and plumbers any other skilled labor
81 Louis Star
Los Angeles herald., 1909-08-01

1.-THE great advantage of an aeroplane
over a balloon for use in warfare is that
it can fly low over rough country"
said Wilbur Wright. What about its
use in peacefare, Brother Wilbur
Should think civilization would be more
interested in that aspect Of the inven-
tion than in the other.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-08-01
The State Press
Brilliant American BOYS

If the Rhodes scholarships have done
nothing more than to furnish a finished edu-
cation to a number of brilliant young Ameri-
cans and impress the English people with
the ability of our young men to cope with
the students of any country in university
work, they have not been In vain. Ger
tainly the Americans who went to oxford
have done their work well.-San Jose Mer-
curry.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-08-01
oh, You Kid!

Once in a while somebody invents slangism
that Is apt and so expressive that IL IN
sfantIv is adopted into our vocabulary and
stays there, but OF all the idiotic, senseless.
inane and foolish things we ever have heard
along that line certainly the adjectives In the
superlative degree belong TO this fool thing,
''Oh you kidn-Mouutain View Leader.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-08-01

When a man violates a parole and
then repeats the offense of which he
was found guilty when admitted to pa
role it is surely an indication he is
filter subject for the lunatic asylum
than for either penitentiary or parole.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-08-01

Building the Panama canal is the
completion Uncle Sam should be re-
garded by every nation in the world as
the benefactor of mankind.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-08-01
AT THE THEATERS

AUDITORIUM-Dark.
MASON-Mondny night, "Aida"
BELAsCO-"The College Widow"
BURBANK-"The Greater Claim"
GRAND-"The OctOroon."
MAJESTIC-Dark.
OBSERVATION-DISCLOSURES.
Los ANGELES-Vaudeville
UNIQUE-Vaudeville and musical comedy.
FIsCHER's-AlIen Curtis company in "Th,
Jolly Widow"
WALKER-Ketcbel-Pap Fight Pictures.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-08-01
Harrlman's Grasp

The building of the steamships VIII give Har-
riman a wonderful grasp on freight outputs
for New York Boston and Europe from south
err and western territory, embracing quar-
ter Of a million square miles and reaching to
Denver. Heretofore much OF this Irelghl mas mas
haen TRANSPORTED chiefly by way of New Or
leans or Chlcago.-Palo Alto Tribune.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-08-01
Minlsters and Politics

Bishop Bell of Los Angeles declared in his
sneech before the Yosemite Chautauqua that
ministers must hereafter be active In poll
tics. The bishop is right in 30 far as min
igters are men. Individually they have every
right of an American citizen to take part In
politics Modesto News.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-08-01

City club yesterday Joined in the pub
lie protest against the conduct of the
majority of the board of supervisors in
failing to keep ante-election promises
by conferring with the advisory COM
mittee. The City club resolution con-
demning the recalcitrant supervisors
was adopted unanimously, which we
believe reflects accurately public sem
timent with regard to the matter.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-08-01
Military Teachers

The transport Thomas sailed from this
mort for the Philippines with the Twelfth
infantry II ten thousand soldiers are re-
ouIred to teach good government" to the
Erilinlnos how many thousand will be re.
auired to teach 1t to the Americans?-san
Francisco Star.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-08-01
Taft's Younq Men

President Taft Las liking for young men.
1t has not been long since he picked e. Dana
Durand, young man Of 81 to take charge OF
the next decennial census the greatest statis-
teal Job in She world. Now he has followed
this up by selecting for Indian commissioner
Robert g. Valentine, young man Of 3d.
Raltin1nra NnWa
Los Angeles herald., 1909-08-01
Good Roads

But as we should enjoy the advantage OF
good roads while live, no harm could
come of bonding the county to raise funds
for permanent highways In TINS manner
tbose who come after us would share In the
burden as well as in the advantages.-San
Benito Advance.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-08-01

Spanish ministerialists are now join
ing in the chorus of the old Scotch
song, "Will ye gang ava, Jamie, far
across the sea, laddie?"
Los Angeles herald., 1909-08-01
Record Breaking Criminal

What law could the American Sugar Rein-
Ing company have violated which It has not
violated? The World submits this question in
good faith to the eminenty respectable gem
tlemen who constitute the board of directors of
that variously criminal corporation.-New York
World.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-08-01
Her Preference

Said the brunette maid
To another quite fair:
For flIrtin' 'tis said
You really don't care
But it's oodles OF fun
To fllrt with a fan2
"Fudge!" said the fair one,
"Give me a fool man"
Chicago News.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-08-01

A contemporary tells us France is on
the qui vive. That's a good deal bet
ter than being on the dump heap.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-08-01
TaIks with Hands

A clock has been invented without tick. 1t
stil has hands for dealing out the time, but
science has much deranged Its Inward mechan-
lsm.-Humboldt Standard
Los Angeles herald., 1909-08-01

Some dentists would make fine car
toonists. They draw teeth in an ex-
aggerated fashion.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-08-01

Californians would rather be at Cat
alma than in Catalonia.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-08-01

"'S. p stands for state politics, too,
hey?" asked the absent-minded beg
gar.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-08-01
Burning PEOPLES Money

The supreme court OF Illinois has decided
that burning money is proof OF insanity
Nevertheless there are cases in which the
practice is evidence that the appropriation
committee Of congress requires the services
OF an expert alienlst.-New York Mall.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-08-01
Free Listed

The fact that Senator Aldrch is said to be
very fond of children is given as a good reason
for believing that children will continue to be
on the free list,-St. Joseph Gazetta.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-08-01

on all matters pertaining to advertising
ager.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-08-01
HIah FLYERS

No doubt you've Oft heard in this world
of push that a bird in the hand Is worth
two in the bush But one little bird In a
milliner's store is worth of the others a
dozen or more.-Louisville Herald, +.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-08-01
Our Girls

A Danish woman says that Europeans are
just happy with $4,000 with $50 000,-
900 and marry American girls for pure love.
But 1t seems to be easy for them to love
rich American girls.--Philadelphla Inquirer.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-08-01
Politics

For every politician who comes out of office
with fortune, able to set bad example by
his easily and generally wrongly won wealth,
thousands are ruined for life because they went
into politics.-Boston Traveller.
Bismarck daily tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1881-1916, 1909-04-23
BAD TOOTH AND CROSS ExAMIN.
ALTON DID NOT RUFFLE FAR
NUNS TEMPER.
HARSH CHARGES Are MADE
DUSTIN FARNUM WANTED TC
SCALP HOWARD GOULD BE-
FORE MEETING,
Says He Never Saw Mrs. Gould Take
a Drink Of intoxicating Liquo-AI-
ways Conducted Herself With Mod
esty-Deposltion Taken in Chicago
Yesterday.
(By associated Press.)

Chicago, ILL.,, April 22-Between a
bad tooth and a wearisome cross ex-
animation by Attorney Archibald R.
Watson, representing Howard Gould
Dustin Farnum put in a trying day
here in the law o1rice of Louis c..
Ehle, who was appointed by the
New York supreme court to take the
actors deposition covering the allie
CATION of Mr.. Gould that his wife,
Katherine Clemmens Gould, had mis-
herself at different times
and places with Mr.. Farnum.
Mr.. Farnum displayed little of that
irritability which had prompted him
last night to remark that 44e would
like to slap howard Gould face.
The actor was patient and pleasant
in answering the hagglings of the
lawyers and acquitted himself to the
of attorney Clarence J.
Shearn, Of New York, representing
Mrs. Gould. In all points Mr.. Far
mum parried and denied the charges
made against him and Mrs. Gould,
declaring that she always was lady,
and that he could not remember ever
seeing her take a drink of intoxicat-
ing liquor.
Bismarck daily tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1881-1916, 1909-04-23
JAMES BOYLE FOUND IN CELL IN
THRoEs OF CONCLUSIONS
YESTERDAY.
ATTEMPT MADE AT RESCUE
TWENTY FOOT LADDER FOUND
By GUARDS PLACED AT CELL
WINDOW.
Prisoner Was at Hospital at Time Of
Attempted Jail DeIivery-Mercer
County Authorities Are Greatly Wor-
ried at Attempts-closer Watch to
BE Kept.
(Bv associated Pyess.)

Mercer, Pa, April 22.-The Mercer
county authorities are greatly worried
tonight over an alleged attempt OF
James H. Boyle, Whitla kidnaper. to
commit suicide and later a we'll plan
ned attempt on the part of supposed
friends on the outside to iberate
the prisoner from the Jail here.
It was learned that early yesterday
morning Boyle suddenly became i'll.
He was found in his cell in the agny
of commissions. Doctors were hur-
riedly summoned and worked until
late last night, when his condition i'm
proved. Tonight Boyle is i'll, but SER
ious results are not feared, excepting
that his illness was such as would
have resulted from some powerful
drug.
A few minutes after last midnight
an attempt to liberate Boyle failed on
account Of the prisoners illness. At
that hour guards found twenty-foot
ladder in position at window in
Boyle's cell. The supposition is that
the men who were to free Boyle climb
ed this ladder and then found his
cell empty, the prisoner being in the
jail hospital on account Of illness.
Bismarck daily tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1881-1916, 1909-04-23
ENGINEER AND HELPER PUT IN
HARD DAY BREAKING UP
THE ICE.
Big HOLE BY THIS MORNING
EXPECTED THAT ENTIRE RIVER
WILL" BE CLEARED 7Y THIS Z,
~ EVENING. "~.9,5 -, .
Blast Of One Hundred and Fifty Pouns
Of Dynamite Was ExpIoded-Tiny
Rivuiet Quickly Grew After Start
Was Once 4Made-Has Been damned
for Ten Days.
3Assoctated Press.l

Youngstown. N. Y. April pa
breach was made today in the great
ice jam which for ten days has held
the lower Niagara in its grip and has
caused damage estimated at a mil
lion dollars.
The immediate results Of explos.
ions Of the morning were disappoint-
ing to. the four hundred spectators on
shore, but Engineer Kunz and his men
hammered away and at 5 o'clock the
blast from $50 pounds Of dynamite
sent tiny rivulet trickling through
the east side of the jam. At dusk
further explosions and the ceaseless
grinding Of the floating iceAhad wid-
ened the trickle to a large steram.
The channel which Engineer Kunz
and his men had toiled all day to dig
had at last been cleared. Mr.. Kunz
expects that the lake bound ice will
widen the channel in the night, and
that by morniIg there will be a broad
avenue from which the foes further
up can be seen sailing out to sea. :.
Bismarck daily tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1881-1916, 1909-04-23
CONSERVATION in CAMP OF DE-
zS FENsE WHEN NOTED ALIEN
sq8s IST TALKS.
INSANE AT time OF Crime
TWO OF DEFENSE WITNESSES TO
III TESTIFY THAT PRISONER is
4 SANE.
Weight Of Testimony Of Defense Will
y Go to Show That Prisoner Was In
" sane at Time Of the Crime-Dr.
Says Defense Will Not Use Insan-
s5ity Plea in the Trial.
(By Associated Press.)

N. Y, April PA COM
motion was caused in the camp Of
the defense today at the trial of Cap
tain Peter c. Hams. Jr., murderer of
VIM. Annis, by DR.. l.. S. Samson, an
a1ienist retained by the defense who
declared that in his opinion Captain
Hams was not insane at the present
time and that the defense did not
Intend to raise such issues but would
rest with the proof that the defend
ant was insane at the time of the
shooting. The physician was severe
ly censured by the Hams lawyers for
this opinion, and after
wards partly denied having made this
statement credited to him.
II ohm F. Mcintyre, chief counsel for
the defense admitted that two of
their alienists were of the opinion
that the prisoner was now sane, but
he said ne did not agree with them.