The Birmingham age-herald., 1909-02-07

He recalls with mingled emotions of ab- horrence and remorse the time when he drank too much champagne wine at the annual banquet of the State Bankers Convention and how he sang The Holy City to an entirely new air while going home in the cab and how his lady wife gave him the sad eye of silent reproach the next morning at breakfast But I say he feels the need of a slight libation and he drops into place on the corner with swinging doors and asks for one with cherry in it.
 "A young woman wearing a pair of glasses draped across a severe expression of countenance rises from behind the place where the bar used to be and says they have no such that any more but how would he like to have a nice slice of squash pie and a glass of butter milk?
 " Not for mine.' says Mir Ladyfnger with sudden resoluteness. T can drink buttermilk or I can leave it alone, espe- cially the last named. Haven't you anything else of liquid nature?
 Only ink she says, ink and Hoyt's German cologne. We've put in school supplies and toilet goods as a side line,' says she.
 So MT. Ladyfnger goes outside and speaks the name of William Tells young CT brother over and over again several times. Wat Tell, Bill,' he says, Wat Tell Where do I seem to get off, if at all? If I'd known local option was going to be like this I wouldn't have voted for it. What right, says MT. Ladyfinger to himself have lot of old ladies of both sexes to post guard on my face and dic- tate to me what sort of upholsterings I use for my own interior decorating. I'll show 'ern,' says MT. 1adyfnger. So of qb arff the quickest route to the closest blind tiger, and he hastens to the edifice sa- cred to folines thus afflicted and gives the required cabalistic signal-three knocks on the door and one on the pro- hibitions-and pushes four bits through a crack, and at that a mysterious hand extends to him a fiat flask of the genu- inc old warranted Spinal Meningitis. He takes one swallow of it and has all the sensations of lighted library lamp with a fluted green art shade and he takes two swallows and falls down in his tracks with the smoke curling out of his ears and his feet in his own lap. Why does he do 1t? Because they told him he shouldn't.
 We're all that way. Larry, from the cradle to the grave. Why does the young child scale the pantry shelf and gorge himself on matchheads and bottle of shoe polish. Because he loves matches and liquid backing? Not at ail He does 1t because his mother wanted him to stay out of that closet Why, when you were a small boy, did you run the risk of being seasoned with a load of salt out of Q shot gun. and having some honest Towser make a dental impression Of his teeth in the feshiest part of your boyish person in order to hook stomach full of green peaches? You didn't care for the peaches naturally They tasted like the Wrath to Come, and frequently were. But you took chances on cholera morbus and cramps that doubled you up like a pretzel and you dared the sturdy farm- CTS rage, and the chief reason for It was sign on the orchard fence that said "Trespass.nS Forbidden
 knew a man once that loved health foods and the likes of that-honest he did. Personally I never could under stand why man who could possibly get a few measures of buckwheat cakes and sausage would want to eat that fine cut chewing and smoking breakfast food unless twas because It saved him the trouble of brushing his teeth with a regular tooth brush of a morning. But