Willmar tribune., 1909-07-21
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HIS AFFINITY.
BY N. QUAD.

UUUO ulu uUUU ~
BY N. QUAD.
Copyright. 1903. by the Mcclure Newspa-
per Syndicate.I
The 1900 citizens of the village of
Hartville, or ut least the adult share
Of that number, were recorded Us SEN
sible, everyday people. They had
loved, and they had felt emotions, but
there were some things they had never
given thought to. One Of those
things was the affinity business. All
husbands and wives were satisfied
with each other. If not they were
not talking about divorce. There was
something coming to Hartsville, and
it got it when Professor Leonidas Chet.
sey arrived there on a summer vaca-
ton. He was a professor of the ethe-
real, he explained, but as most Of the
Inhabitants were lovers Of pork and
beans they were not greatly interested
in his subject. They let him day
dream under the cedars and lie beside
he had later on would never have come
to him had he not mixed the ethereal
with the affinities.
One Of the most solid and matter of
fact women In the village was the
Widow Swift-solid because she weigh
ed nearly 200 pounds and matter of
fact because no tin peddler that came
that way could beat her on a trade.
She had large and healthy appetite,
arms that could lift hundred pound
hog back in to the pen, and a tramp
who tried to enter her house unbidden
one day was carted off to Jail with four
broken ribs. If any one had told her
or spread the report abroad that some
one would come along some day and
claim her for an affinity she would
have wanted to do some kicking with
No. 8 shoe. And yet that was ex-
actly what happened. After five or
six days the professor got sight Of
her, and he at once let it be known
that the ethereal part of him was a
goner. He leaned over the garden
fence where she was wedding her cab
bages and compared her figure to that
Of sylph, her eyes to those Of sloe,
her face to that of a Grecian goddess.
As she stood there with her 200 pounds
firmly planted on the ground and won
dering if he was a fool or lunatic he
went on to say that he had seen her in
his dreams for years past; that his
heart had cried out for her like child
lost in the Wilderness; that together
they would now float down the stream
OF time and come as near to heavenly
bliss as mortals ever get.
The widow listened and then told
him to move ON. He moved, but he
said he would come again. The four
constables In the county might chain
him hand and foot, but his spirit could
not be bound with chains. His spirit
and her spirit would meet and love.
In the darkest midnight they would
recognize each other without any ex-
press tags being attached. That even
ing he came to the house to call and
was run out of the gate. He appeared
again next day and was hit with a
rock. The widow had brother who
wasn't bit ethereal, and he called on
Professor Chetsey and threatened to
make things warm for him If he didn't
stop annoying his sister.
But the professor didn't stop. When
you can see your affinity by looking
over the fence it's pretty hard to 90
of to an amateur baseball game in
stead. He could see the widow as she
fitted among the cucumbers, and he
could see her as she shook the table
cloth at the back door for the benefit
Of the chickens, and he was entranced.
She threw stones at him every time
she saw him. but he came back when
the darkness had fallen and sang sad
~ and sweetly of the love in his heart
You can't be ethereal and be looking
after an affinity in village without
everybody getting on to the racket
after a bit. 1t was so at Hartsville,
and when things had continued for
ten or twelve days the widows broth.
er determined to put an epd to the sit.
uation. The widow would have done
it herself, but she couldn't get hands
on the professor.
Night had come again. It was an
ethereal night. It was just the night
for the souls Of affnities to go flying
about until meeting each other In
some cabbage patch and then walking
hand in hand through the dewy mead
ows where the crickets chirped and
the whippoorwills chartered. The pro
fessor was on his way down the street
to pour out his soul once more wher
he was seized by three men and rur
into nearby barn. Then a Lantern
was produced to illuminate proceed
ings, and the widows brother asked:
"Well, professor, is your ethereal be
ing out on still hunt for an affinity P
"Sir, If you lay hands on me it 1.
sacrilege," was the reply. Il simpl!
seem to have a physical being"
"And that's what we are after
Boys, hold him over the BARREL"
The professor was bent over an emp
ty cider barrel and tightly held ther.
by the two men. and the widow
brother then went to work with .
piece of board in the most industriou.
and vigorous manner. It was home
made, unpatented spanking machine