Vernon County censor. [volume] (Viroqua, Wis.) 1865-1955, 1909-08-04
HIS AFFINITY.



Harfyille. or at least the adult share
! Of that number, were recordea as sen
! sibie. everyday people. hey had
= loved. ani they had felt emotions but
there were some things they had never
given thought Co. One Of those
things was the affinity business All
husbands and wives were satisfied
! with each other II not they were
not talking about divorce. There was
something coming to Har:s lie, and
: il got it when Professor LeouIdas Chef
sey arrived there ON d summer vaea-
ton. He was a professor Of the ethe-
real, he explained, but as most OF the
} inhabitants, were lovers Of pork and
beans they were not greatly Interested
In his subject. They let hiu day
dream under the cedars and lie beside
the gurgiing brook, and the experience
he had later on would never have come
to him had he not mixed the ethereal
with the aaiultles
One Of tie most solid and matter Of
fact women in the village was the
Widow Swift-solld because she weigh.
ca nearly 200 pounds and matter Of
fact because no tin peddler that came
that way could beat her on a trade.
She had a large and healthy appetite,
arms that could lift a hundred pound
hog back in TO the pen, and a tramp
who tried to enter her house unbidden
one day was carted off to jail with four
broken ribs. If any one had told her
or spread the report abroad that some
one would come along some day and
claim her for an affinity she would
have wanted to do some kicking with
No. s shoe. And yet that was ex-
actly what happened After five or
six days the professor got sight Of
her, and lie at once let 1t be known
that the ethereal payt Of him was
gouer He leaned over the garden
fence where she was wedding her cab
bages and compared her figure TO that
or sylph, her eyes to those of sIoe
her face to that of Grecian goddess
AS the stood there with her 200 pounds
firmly planted on the ground and won
| dering IL be was fool or lunatic ho
went on to say that he had seen her in
his dreams for years past that his
heart had cried out for her like a child
lost in the wilderness: that together
they would now Goat down the stream
of time and come as near to heavenly
bliss as mortals ever set.
The widow listened and then told
bin to move ON. lie moved, but he
said be would come again. The four
constables IN the county might chain
him hand aud foot. but his spirit could
not be bound with chains His spirit
and her spirit would meet and love.
In the darkest midnight they would
/ recognize each other without any OK.
press tags being attached That even
ing he came 70 the house to call and
was run out Of the gate. He appeared
again next day and was hit with
rock The widow bud brother who
wasn't a bit ethereal. and he called on
Professor Chetsey and threatened to
make things warm for him II he didn't
stop annoying his sister
But the professor didn't stop. When
you can see your affinity by looking
over til, fence It's pretty hard 10 60
off to an amateur baseball game in
stead. lie could see the widow as she
fitted among the cucumbers. aud he
/ could see her as she shock the table
cloth at the back door for the benefit
! Of the chickens, and he was entranced.
She threw stones at him every time
she saw him, but he came back when
! the darkness Ind fallen and sang sad
/ ~ and swectly of the love In his heart.
Yon can't be ethereal and he looking
after an affinity III village without
/ everybody getting on to the racket
/ after a Bit. 1t was SO at HartsviHe.
and when things had continued for
ten or twelve days the Widows broth.
err determined to put an end to the sit
uation. The widow would have done
it hers df, hut she couldn't get hands
or the professor.
/ Night had come again. II was IN
ethereal night 1t was lust the night
for the souls Of atIinltics to 20 living
about until meeting each other in
/ some cabbage patch and then walking
4 hand In hand through the dewy mead
ews where the crickets chirped and
/ the whippoorwils c1attcred, Tho pro,
I fessor was on his way down the street
I to pour out his soul once more when
/ he was seized by three men and run
/ Into a nearby barn Then a lantern
was produced to illuminate proceed
ings. ana t0e Widows brother asked.
Well professor, is your ethereal be-
ing out on a still hunt for an afinity?e
Sir It sou lay hands on me IL Is
sacriege" was the reply Il simply
seem to have a physical being"
And that's what we are after.
Boys, hold him over the barrel"
The professor was bent over an emp.
t. cider barrel and TIGHTLY held there
1 by the two men and the widows
brother then went to work with
piece Of board ia the most industrious
aud vigorous manner 1t was home.
/ made, mpatenjed spanking machine.
and II worked without hitch. After
the sixth blow the physical part Of the
victim yelled After six more the ethe-
/ real part OF him began to sit up and
/ take notice. At the sixteenth spank
the professor acknowledged that he
( loved pork aua beans, nj the tweuti.
! eth that lac dotted on raw onions and
/ Goldfish ar the twenty-fourth that Ne
/ was through with ethereal business
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