The Lake County times. [volume] (Hammond, Ind.) 1906-1933, 1909-04-07
A Cranky Widow.
[Copyright. 1soa. by 7. c. MCCLURE. ]

copyright, 1903. by T. c. McClure.l
Uncle Ben Williams held that wild
ows should marry only widowers for
a second term of matrimony. He also
had to keep a book account of the
widowers.
There came a day when Uncle Ben
had to add his own name to the list
of widowers. His good wife passed
away and left him alone. He grieved
for few months and then started in
on his work again. He was rather
forced to. He got track of a widow
who had given out that she would
never marry again She had Heard of
Uncle Ben and had given out that she
defied him. He still wore his en-
blem of mourning as he drove over to
see her. He found her perfectly sat
isfled with her situation. Death had
claimed a husband so lazy that he
hated to turn over in bed, and she
didn't propose to take further chances.
Uncle Ben brought out his statistics.
They ran back 400 years and applied
to every nation. They proved beyond
controversy that there was only one
constitutionally lazy man out of every
800 Of the male population. Thus the
widow might remarry 400 times and
run no risk. She then put it that her
late lamented had the appetite of
horse and shook the walls of the
house at night with his snorings.
There were statistics to prove that
this state of affairs was to be found in
America only in one case out of
thousand and then when the moon
was in her third quarter. Whatever
excuse the widow brought forward
Uncle Ben successfully controverted,
and at length she gave him a big
piece of apple pie and a glass of cider
and gently turned him out Of doors.
But he wouldn't stay out Within a
month he was back to plead the cause
of certain widower. He had the
mans history down in writing, and
he had his tintype. The widower
didn't snore, he was a hustler, he was
good natured. he didn't swear at his
oxen, he built the kitchen fire in the
morning, he had a farm Of so many
acres, and he was the owner of SO
many horses, cattle, hogs and sheep,
with a spotted calf thrown in to
make good bargain. The widow
shook her head and said nay, however.
She had sixty acres of her land In
turnips, and she felt that it was go
ing to be great year for that vege-
table.
Uncle Ben came again with wild
over that had once seen the widow
driving along the highway and had
fallen in love with her. He had only
five children; he never refused his wife
calico dress or pair of shoes; he
never INDUCED in remarks when his
meals were not ready; If the cellar
needed withdrawing he did the work
himself; If a tin pan leaked he could
mend it, and if the churn dasher broke
he could make another from a broom
stick within ten minutes The widow
gave this man ten minutes thought
and then shook her head. Hay was
selling for $50 a ton, and she would
have thirty tons to sell.
He brought Nos. 4, and 6. and
he brought tintypes, photographs and
memoranda. He drank cider while
enumerating their many virtues. and
he ate apple, peach and huckleber-
~ pie between statistics. AS one
candidate after another was presented
and his claims set forth Uncle Ben
saw that the widow softened a bit.
She turned them all down, but this
softening encouraged him to go ahead.
In his own mind he thought her a bit
particular-even cranky-for turning
down a farmer blind in one eye. a
lightning rod man with a game leg
and wire fence man with hump on
his back, but he did not say so. He
knew that if he kept on long enough
and could find candidates enough the
widow was bound to give in. He
didn't neglect his farm work altogeth-
er, but he kept an eye out for the right
sort Of candidate. He thought he had
him in No. Z. He brought the widow
er to the house and let him sit in the
buggy at the gate while he went in TO
do the talking.
AASAS IL 40, Wu0ONAJ Ac odlQ, VIII
an air Of confidence. Take a look at
him from the winder Forty eight
years old, in good health and not a
blemish on him. Don't swear, chaw
terbacker nor drink. Never gifts mad
and allus willin' for his wife to go to
town. Got five children, and they are
little angels. Only takes an hour to
scrub one up so that you want to kiss
him. Big farm, keeps a hired gal lives
well and bound to make you happy for
the rest of your life. When l add that
his late wife left four pairs of almost
new shoes behind her you can see
what kind Of a man he is. Shall 1
holler to him to come in?"
NO, you needn't holler." quietly re-
piled the widow
but what's the matter?"
Il shan't marry him"
But look a-here, wilder, this is the
seventh man I've brung to your no
tice''
Yes"
And don't you think you're a bit
cranky to turn the hull drove of 'em
down."
Il shall never marry" she replied,
with sigh.