davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1909-02-06
Humor
HER MESSAGE TO SISTER SUE
Mrs. chattsr's instructions to Hubby
Were Lons Drawn Out.

Mrs. chattsr's instructions 70 Hubby
Were Long Drawn Out.
Henry, DEAR" said little Mrs. Chat
Ter to her husband while be was draw
ing on his top coat preparing to make
the rush for the train that was to take
him into the city. You know our
phone isn't working this morning, and
I do want to send Sister Sue q mes
sage In regard to meeting her this
afternoon In the city. Could you, dear,
rSng Sue up on your phone in the Of
fee and give her q message from me?
lou can as well as mott Thank youi
dear. Well, tell her that II It doesn't
set in to rain and II Cousin EN- doesn't
come to take me to ride In her auto
this afternoon. as she said she might,
but you know how reckless Cousin EN-
= with her promises, and II wouldn't
surprise me II she never thought Of Il
again, but II she should come don't
want to miss the ride, and III try to
get Sue on the phone by that time and
let her know II go to ride. or If Lib
bic Brayton doesn't come over to have
me help her on that programme we
are arranging for the benefit Of the
day nursery. Tell Sue I will meet her
In the waiting room at Ridgeley's at
8, or IT may be a quarter after or q
quarter before, or II she'd rather have
me meet her some place else tell her
TO try to ring me up and let me know.
guess our phone viii be working by
that time. Tell her It wasn't working
this morning and that is the reason /
didn't ring her up. as said / would,
and tell her to try to think to bring
me my hatpin and my lace handker-
chief that I left when we stayed all
night with her Monday night, and ask
her If I didn't leave one Of myIgloves
there, and tell her that, after all,
think we'd better meet at some place
other than Ridgeley's because that Is
30 far from where we are going, and
ask her TO try to think to bring me
the recipe for that new kind Of cake
we had at dinner Monday night, FOR
I'd like to try a loaf Of 1t when we
have the Brynlys here to dinner Fri
day. Yes, yes, Of course you must gel
your train. dear. Run along. Only
be sure to ring Sue up and tell hel
that she'd better ring me about noon
and-goodby! Don't forget-Puck-
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1909-02-06
I FLEE MY PEN.

I nee my pen when heavy grows thS
brain,
When for q happy rhyme search in
vain.
The ink well closed, the pen laid in IT.
place,
seek for other scenes in outer space.
What though the wind be keen, what
though II rain?
I asked q change. nor can I well com
plain
II by a wetting my end attain
So at a steady, blood bewarming pace
nee my pen
Yes; Just as piglets see q tempting lane
Leading to meadows ripe with golden
grain.
Break from their sodden sty and. grunt.
ing. race,
clad, TO escape their confines. pent and
base,
Lfor the taste Of freedom that I gain
Zee my pen.
Charles Bnttell Loomis In Judga
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1909-02-06
Without ostentation.

The late Josiah W. Leeds Of Phila'
delphia was notable for his lifelong
fight against immodesty. he loved
simplicity as be loved modesty. osten-
tation he abhorred, especially the os.
sentation Of funerals and cemeteries,
He used often to quote an epitaph
that he had once seen in a secluded
graveyard.
This epitaph. which was cut on the
simplest. cheapest stone It is possible
10 imagine. said:
'The monument is very plain. no
doubt, but all the money in the world
would not have brought our poor dear
father back to us again."-Washington
Star.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1909-02-06
CHOICE MISCELLANY
smnrt boz, Of Lona Aao.

Smart Boys Of Long Ago
It Is often asserted nowadays that
our young men and women attain In
teIlectual maturity much later than did
their parents and grandparents, and In
support Of this theory the precocity Of
distinguished personages who flourish
Cd a generation or two ago Is cited
Now, somebody who has probably
been bored like the rest Of rs with
this yarn about the phenomenal
brightness Of the old fashioned boys
has looked up the records Of eleven
leading colleges to see what changes
have taken place in the age Of grad
yates. From 1850 to 1850 the average
age at graduation was o years 13
months. From 1890 to 1900 # was %
years 10 months. In 80 years at
Dartmouth the average age at gradua-
don has fallen three months. This
average age, It appears. has changed
IS little rs the average weather. Thus
one or two precocious youths Of the
long agn are sufficient to endue all
their contemporaries with the same
qualities. But the fact Is the TWEEN
tieth century boy Is smarter than any
Of his predecessors. and unfortunate
I'd IN nine cases out OF ten he knows
h-Pittsburg Gazette Times.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1909-02-06
n.abasAsa Is77. PsOu. oah.sa lssO-ss
8: g. FL &. RT%40Add6S
RlftysFirst ST. and Armour Ave.
..uv.,,..J qst se.&L-a&EARy.
Ssnd 81 and ArnoaR Ave-
CHICAGO
HUMoR OF THE HOUR
obsyina Instructions.


A miIkman who lives In a town Of
New England and collects milk from
the neIghboring farmers had in his en-
ploy q boy whom he sent about with
Q wagon every morning picking up bis
supply. There Is q rather dangerous
railroad crossing on the road, and
when the boy began work for him the
mIlkman said, when there's train
coming Just stop and sit still In your
wagon till 1t gets by"
The boy went about bis task, but In
stead OF collecting the milk In about
an hour and a half, as should have
been done, he took at least two hours
and sometimes more.
The milkman grumbled a little, but
the boy said nothing. and as he SEEM
ed honest nothing was done.
One evening the milkman went over
his route to see some Of his customers.
what ais that boy Of yoursT asked
one Of the farmers.
why. nothing, only that he's rather
slow" was the reply.
"Slow! Well, guess you'd think be
was slow II you saw him resting for
half an hour in his wagon down there
by the railroad track every morning."
as It true that you stop half an hour
every morning down at the railroad
trackT" the boy was asked
Eyes, sir; have to-" said the boy.
"Have to! What do you meanT
swell, sir. you told me to stop when
there was q train coming and to wait
TIL It got by. There's a crook In the
track there, 50 t 1 never can see
whether there's a train coming down
the track or not. So Just stop an
wait till there's one goes by anyway.
an then Just skip over livelyF-Har.
per's Weekly.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1909-02-06
NATURE AS A FAKER.
eAs sOHirtimss psesivss Even Tn. ".
Of The Scientist.

ehs soHlstimss Deesivss Even the Eve
Of the Scientist.
On the so called table mounds of
Iowa are numerous impressions of
what look exactly Ike cloven feet II
II not surprising that superstitious
people should attribute them TO the
devil taking his walks abroad, though
rs a matter OF fact they are not foot
prints Of any kind whatsoever, but
merely weather worn impressions left
By q species Of moliusk-like animal
known to science as pentamerus.
To the Smithsonian institution not
long ago somebody sent from the Bad
Lands Of Nebraska what purported to
be fossil ham. II did In very truth
look like a ham, and, to render the
Verisimilitude complete, the bone was
actually sticking out at one end OF 1t.
Nevertheless an Investigation showed
that the alleged bone was In reality a
"vaculite"-an extinct mollusk's shell.
rodlike in form-and the rest Of the
ham" was a mere accidental agglom-
Grafton OF stony stun.
One day quite recently a young man
walked into the National museum at
Washington and presented to the an.
thropologist IN charge a petrihed foot
It was received with many thanks,
though recognized at a glance as q
water worn fragment Of rock which
had accidentally assumed q shape re-
sembling a foot
Such chance limitations as these fire.
quently occur In nature. Another one,
deposited In the same institution, was
supposed by the finder to be a petri-
fed oyster. II looks as II on the half
shell. All fits parts are wonderfully
distinct, and there is even a small
pearl In 1t seemingly. Yet It is not an
oyster at all.
Many years ago the cocoon" was
introduced as a fossil to a wondering
world by Sir William Dawson, an en-
inent geologist II was accepted by
science for quite awhile as the earliest
and oldest Of known animals-the
''dawn animal" as its name signifies.
Recent scientific investigation, how.
ever. has proved that It is not and
never was an animal at all. 1t IS mere
u a curious crystalline combination of
two minerals which has the look of
something that once upon a time was
alive.
It has recently been proved that
many markings on sedimentary rocks
long supposed to be fossil prints OF
algae and other plants are in reality
tracks left by insects, mollusks and
worms. SoTne Of these alleged plants
had actually received names and been
classified into genera and species.
But it has been sufficiently shown
that markings exactly similar can be
produced by allowing such animals as
those above mentioned to creep across
q surface Of moist plaster or wet clay
counterfeiting rock in a plastic and
not yet hardened condition, and one
wen known vegetable frequently noted
as fossil has in this way been satisfac
torily identified with the trail Of the
larva Of the dragon hy. Saturday
Evening Post.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1909-02-06
THE BROAD AK CAN BE FOUND
ON SALE At THE FOLLOWING
NEWS STANDS.

From on and after this date, The
Broad Az can be found on sale at
the following news stands:
AT. Tervalon, a cigar store and
news stand. 5O04 State street
George I. Martin, maker Of nne CT
CARS, and news stand, S42 s1st street.
near State.
Mrs. Nellie Phelps, cigars, notions
and news stand. 1s1 W. 51st street.
near Dearborn.
W. 8. Cole, cigars, tobacco and
news stand, s54 S1st street.
J. R Peters, cigars, tobacco. laun-
dry once and news stand, sSs 27st
street
T. B. Han, laundry once. cigars.
tobacco and news stand. 2s1 18th
street
Mrs. A. 4. Baker, notions, cigars
and news stand. AZ ssth street
B. Davis, cigars. tobacco and news
stand, s5s7 state street.
4 D. Burt cigars. notions and
news stand. 3sss State street
RA. jones news stand and barber
shop, ls27 state Strset
L. W. wsshingtOn, Chicago Beach
Hotel Hyde Park
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1909-02-06

There are elghfy-four schools In Lon
don for the education Of children who
are not included under the extreme
term Idiots or imbeciles," but are
s.feebIe minded and defective" They
are attended by 5000 children, OF
whom about two-thirds learn some
usefui manual work. while the rest
are hopeless and require permanent
custodfal eare.-London Telegraph
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1909-02-06
Famous Psrfums.

Queen AIexandra's favorite perfume,
e Is well known, is a certain scent
which is a combination Of rare Is
sences, the secret Of which is so care
fully guarded that no money can pur'
chase the recipe. The late Queen Vic
toria used this same perfume for more
than fifty years. Nobody but the man
ufacturer knows the formula, but
Paris perfumer Of long experience has
pronounced it a blend OF rose, violet
Jasmine. lavender and orange blossom
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1909-02-06
Eutnra Pnril.

Terrified Passenger ION ocean nner}-
Captain, why is the steamer going so
slowly and using its searchlight?
Captain-Don't be alarmed, madam.
The ship is in no danger. But in
fog ike this we are always likely to
run into somebody's blooming old bal
loon and make a nasty mess OF it
Chicago Tribune.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1909-02-06
cood Word For Wells.

ut Is those big wells that fasteD
down tight under the chin and ears
that I want to put in a good word
for" said the bacteriologist. at may
be that they ruin the eyes and shut
out a lot Of fresh afr, as some folk
claim, but they prevent women from
putting dirty pieces Of money into
their mouths and so keep enough
germs out Of the system to make up
for the other disadvantages. New
York Press.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1909-02-06
Persian Humor.

A recent Partisan earieature shows a
bearded Turk in a turban upon tne
crenelated roof Of hts house looking
through ieldgiass @AIlah Is just
be exclaims. .sNow that ny neigh
bors' wives 20 about with faces un-
covered see that they are quite as
h0mely as my owl"
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1909-02-06
Tn. Smile Phmotsr.

'Have you done anything to make
Life seem more cheerful?' said the
optimist. Have you helped anybody
to smileT'
81 should say 80. 1 have helped more
people to smile than anybody else In
the nelghborhood. I'm a Dentist
Minneapolis Journal.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1909-02-06
In. knoNiseas ma Liurts.

Towne-So Dumley married a col
lege woman. Ny, It must be fierce for
him to be tied to a woman who knows
30 much that he doesn't knowl
RroEne-oh. that doesn't hurt him
% much as the fact that she knows
how much he doesn't knoW.-Catho-
Ne Standard and Times.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1909-02-06
A Dreaded Verdict,

Mr.. Patterson (as sounds Of weeping
cone from the laundry)-Gracious.
6eari Who Is that crying?
Mrs. Patterson-The washerwoman.
John. She has sued for divorce and Is
afraid the Judge wiz order her to pay
her husband alimony. = IAppincotts
Magazine.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1909-02-06
RuII q th. Irish sseretarY.

A genuine bull is credited to Angus
tine BirreII. secretary for Ireland, by
a Bristol correspondent Of the London
News.
at Is easier" Mr.. Birrell affirmed In
the course Of a public speech at Bris-
tol, .'to face your foes In front OF you
than your friends behind your back
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1909-02-06
A Useful Instftutisn.

'Do you believe In such thing as
hckT
'of course, answered Miss Cayenne.
Otherwise It would be impossible to
explain the success Of people we don't
Ake."-Washington Star.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1909-02-06
How Johnny Managed Il.

You and that little Wattles boy
seem to play very nicely tOgether,"
said Johnny's mother. Il am glad
there is one boy IN the neighborhood
that you can get along with"
Yes" replied Johnny. Il lick him
every morning, and then he's nice to
me all day."-Chicago Record-Herald.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1909-02-06
a. Ma,nM.nn Man.

whats the matter nowT'
Before we were married you used
% steal kisses from me-"
you mean when your face was
turned awayT
Yes"
~Wen, II you'll turn your face away
IN see II can get up enough courage
% steal one now."-Houston Post.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1909-02-06
Proof.

Gritty Georgia., lady, at one time
z was a prosperous dentist
Kind Lady-How can believe you,
my poor man?
Gritty George-How can you doubt
me, mum? why, even de dog shows
his teeth when am around. - st
Louis Post-Dispatch.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1909-02-06

Tourist-Where's the bulldog I sold
you the other day?
"Oh, the poor haste swallowed tape
measure, and he died, soEF'
Tourist (waggishly)-He died by
inches, chr
''No, sorrl He went round the back
Of the house and died by the yard
London Opinion.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1909-02-06

YES" said the housewife, 'yours Is
4 sad story. But It isn't the same
ntory You told last year"
SWen, lady" answered Flooding
Pete. ayou surely wouldn't expect a
nan to 20 all dat time an not show
any improvementF'-washinston Star.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1909-02-06
Unsatisfactory.

DeAuber-There Is a life size por.
trait painted Of Puffem, but he re-
fused 70 accept It.
Brushleigh-It seems to be a good
likeness Of him. What was the trou-
BILE?
DeAuber-It's only about half as big
as he thinks he i%-Chicago News.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1909-02-06
cb;.t Of Than All.

~He tried to fatter me, but I'm
proud to say he couldn't"
mo? You're a greater hatterer than
he Is, then, aren't your
@How do you meanr
''You fatter yourself that you can't
be battered. Catholic Standard and
Times.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1909-02-06
Tommy's Regret.

Tommy was about to leave the school
where he had spent his first years. BE
went to the teacher TO say goodby and
added: 'T am awfulIy sorry to leave
this school. I've had such good times
at recess."-Lippincott's Magazine.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1909-02-06

Jagreen-I saw you talking to Bor
rows on the street this morning.
Bflbrown-Yes.
Jagreen-Did he strike you for q
loan?
Bflbrown-Not exactly. he struck
at me, but never touched me.-Pitts-
burg Post.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1909-02-06
one Wa ENOUGH.

'Wnl you tell me why you treat me
% coldly, Miss Greeng"
There are quite a number Of rea-
sons, Mr.. Mushie. The first - that
don't Ike you.%Cleveland Plain Deal
e..
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1909-02-06

Byker-I attended successful sleight
Of hand performances last night
Pyker-So1
Byker-Yes. lent the eon1urer q
counterfeit dollar and be gave ne
hacksa coed one--chicago News
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1909-02-06

Teacher" said Dicky Jones, siding
up to the desk and speaking In a whiS
per, Tommy fuckers tryfn' to look
cross eyed. like you look"
It Is scarcely necessary to add that
Il was Dicky Jones that got the subsS
Quent whipping Weekly.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1909-02-06
serioua AiIment.

Yes" said Mrs. Lapsling. -my hus-
band Is much better now. For day
er two, though. he was threatened with
tobaculosis Of the gs."-C Chicago
Tribune.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1909-02-06
FACTS IN FEW LINES

A boys hair grows at half the rate
Of girls.
Bosnia was Incorporated with Tur
key in 1903
Belgium employs $1,000 men in its
stone and marble quarries.
Banana skins are utilized In soap
making on the west coast Of Africa.
In Austria prizes are offered to farm
ers to encourage them TO recover waste
lands and lay them out as pasturage.
Only one president OF the United
States has ever entered the White
House without the electoral vote Of his
own state. That was James K Polk.
The sedan chairs which were in gen.
eral use in the seventeenth century are
still used In Dresden by noblewomen,
who are carried to the opera in them
There are so few flies In England
that there Is a regular business in I'M
porting dried ones from South America
for food for poultry and captive birds
aud fish.
Under the revised law governing the
employment Of women and children In
Italy night work Is forbidden for all
females and FOR males Of less than
efteen years.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1909-02-06
Ns0er kneH rikf- I1ushand,s Hane

NGNGF NHGW TNGE ENao1dNo NNsEC-
In declaring that she never Knew her
husbands first name Mrs. Esther Me
man Of Monroe street created laughter
at the central police court.
II have always called him Pop
from the first day married him, and
as he did not object l never worried
myself about his first name" said Mrs
Nieman, who had her husband arrest
ed on the charge Of failing to support
her.
The accused husband by direction Of
the magistrate was induced to tell his
wife his full name.
Certainly. I'm glad to do It," re-
marked the defendant, "but l think
my wife has known right along that
I am Jacob Nieman."
After telling his name Nieman was
/ held In $500 bail for triaL-Philadel-
phia Inquirer.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1909-02-06
An Old Family.

you must be proud Of your anees-
try. Does It go back very farT
"oh, yesl To the reign Of terrier. =
Brownings Magazine.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1909-02-06
A Pleasant Winter Evening.
ARE YOU IN SEARCH OF ONEl
Then VsIt the -chasssu." ssz4 state
street., Tonight

There IL q hne Picture Show,
Roller Skating. Dancing and superb
music. refreshments and a Jolly good
time for good people No proscrip-
ton. Special prize program every
Saturday and Sunday.
Admission, 20 eents--one dime
LELAND GIANTS BASEBALL
AND AMUSEMENT ASSN.
The broad ax. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1895-19??, 1909-02-06

Admlsslon. % cents-One dime
The Ogden standard. [volume] (Ogden City, Utah) 1902-1910, 1909-03-09
SANTA ANITA RESULTS.

Los Angeles, Cal, March S.-1he
horses ran strictly to form at Santa
Anita this afternoon, six of the seven
races being captured by public choice.
Alteration, winner of the fourth race,
was the only outsider to come home
first and his victory was due to the
clever ride Of McCahey, who reserved
his mount for the final drive when he
came on and beat knight of Ivanhoe
handily. Day Start. was third. two
lengths away In this event Jockey
Goldstein, who rode Liberto. touled
The Thorn, for which he was fined
S100. Results:
First race. six and a half furlongs,
selllng-Likely Dieudonne. lot INC
Gee) 13 to S. won; Buckthorne, 1O7
(Shriner) 10 to 1, second; Belle Elk.
los (McCahey) IL to l, third. Time.
1:20.
Second race. two-year-olds, three
and a half furlongs, purse Frank G..
Hogan, los (McGee) 6 to S. won; Mike
Molett, los (Kennedy) 4 to l, second;
Madallion, los (GoldsSein) 9 to 2.
third. Time. Al.
1UlIQ IdCe, oSNVn lui ioh6S, Sci'ihS
-Ethon. ITO (Kennedy) l to 2, won;
Adriucha, 1O2 (McGee) to 5. second,
Fleming, lis (Aubuchon- 20 to l..
third. Time. 1925
Fourth race. mile. selling-Adora-
ton, los (McCahey) s to 1, won;
Knight of Ivanhoe. 107 tButwelD II
to 1, second; Day Star. ITO tV. Pow
ers) to 1. third. Time. 1:S9 As.
Fifth race, mile and three six
teenths. selling-Molesey, 102 (Mc-
Gee) l to 2, won: Vanen. 80 &C. Rus
selD Is to 1, second; Mike. Jordan,
los IT. Rice) to 1. third. Time.
1;5e
Sixth race. six furlongs, selling
Aimee c.. 105 (Goldstein 3 to TO-,
won; Virlando, 95 (McCahey 20 to l.
second; Aris, 101 tKennedy) 5 to l,
third Time. 1;14.
Seventh race, six furlongs, selling
Biskra, 95 (Goldstein l to 2, won;
May Sutton. 95 (B. Wilson, 6 to L,
second: Albion H.. 95 &C. Burns) z
to 1, third. Time, lib Is.
The Ogden standard. [volume] (Ogden City, Utah) 1902-1910, 1909-03-09
THE SERVANT
| N Z II E
HOUSE
PROF. S. II. CLARK PlEASES
LARGE AUDIENCE.
Drama Of Unusual Merit Given Ex-
cePtionaIIy Fine Rendition by
Chicago Professor

A very large and appreciate audi
ence greeted Prof. S. H. Clark ct the
academy last evening to enjoy an ex-
ceptionally fine dramatic recital OF
THE Servant in the House"
The drama Is one Of unusual merit
and 1t was given by Mr.. Clark In such
a manner that the audience went away
feeling that they had had one of the
finest treats of their lives.
AT the matinee tomorrow the build
ing will be packed TO its capacity by
the patrons and by the high school
and eighth grade pupils of the city to
hear "Silas Mariner" by that famous
author. George Elliott In the evening
Prof. Clark will give Hugo's Lies
Miserables." This promises to be the
greatest thing that Mr.. Clark has
ever given in Ogden. The engage
ment will close on Wednesday evening
with Brand"
The special Clark season tickets
make Mr.. Clark's audiences the larg-
est during the season, but the readers
fine voice and perfect delivery enables
those in the rear to enter into the
spirit of the drama as keenly as those
who have the choicest seats In the
house.