davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Los Angeles herald., 1909-02-14
Jokes That Are Hundreds of Years Old

pleased you in like manner.
Why, then, should I give you
grain? ?"
Lucian tells Of a philosopher
that complained to his pupil be-
cause his fees were eleven days
in arrears, and was thus an
swered by the youths uncle:
Pray let us hear no more COM
plants of the injustice you sup
pose you have had at our hands,
since it simply amounts to this:
We have bought words of you,
and till now, have paid you in
the same coin"
In 'Jacke of Dover, his Quest
of Inquire for the Foole of all
Los Angeles herald., 1909-02-14
Of Course Not

THE captain of 4 certain
yacht had evinced an anxiety
touching a mishap to the craft
that at once attracted the atten-
ton of a fair lady on board.
whats the trouble, cap
tain ?" asked she.
"The fact is, ma'am," was
the response, "our rudder's
broken"
"Oh, l shouldn't worry about
that" said the lady. Being
under water nearly all the time,
no one will notice that it's
gone" ."-M0derH Society.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-02-14
COrneYed

FIVE young men went into a
shop recently to buy hat each.
Seeing they were in a joking
mood the shopman said:
"Are you married?"
They each said "Yes."
"Then I'll give hat to the
one who can truthfully say he
has not kissed any other wom-
an but his own wife since he
was married"
Hand over that hat" said
one of the party; 'I've won it."
when were you married ?"
Yesterday" was the reply,
and the hat was handed over.
One of the others was laugh
ing heartily while telling his
wife the joke, but suddenly
pulled up when she said:
81 say, John, how was it you
didn't bring one? ?''-ByStandcr.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-02-14
Vay of the World

81 UNDERSTAND the Newweds
are having trouble" remarked
the spinster boarder. Some
people take her part and others
side with him"
''And I suppose" growled
the scanty haired bachelor at
the other end of the mahogany,
''there are few eccentric peo-
pie who mind their own busi-
ness !''-Pnck.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-02-14

MOST of the jests that have
IVA been current in English
speaking countries f or
centuries are known also
throughout Europe. Students of
folklore assure us that to a
great extent these jests are of
Asiatic origin, many of them
having come from China and
Japan.
Take, for instance, the we'll
known story of the impudent
Irishman at an inn, who looked
over a mans shoulder while he
was writing letter. When he
read, Il have much more to say
to you; but a fellow is looking
over my shoulder and reading
all l write" he cried out, Faith,
sir, l haven't read a word !"
This story is found in the
Spring Garden of Jami, the
last of the great Persian poets
of the fifteenth century.
The story of the countryman
who tried to pick up a paving
stone to throw at a savage dog,
and finding that stone, and all
others, rammed tightly into the
ground, declared that these were
strange folk who fastened the
stones and let loose their dogs,
was told in the thirteenth cen
tury by another Persian poet,
the illustrious Sadi.
One authority in folklore
traces a familiar tale from the
ancient Hindu collection, Ocean
Los Angeles herald., 1909-02-14
Turning the Tables

"HERE," said Johnson, enter
ing the dealers shop in a rage,
81 thought you guaranteed that
parrot | bought two days ago to
be quite free of Objectionable
habits. Why, it has done moth
ing but swear since l got it.
"Ah! sir, it's wonderful how
soon them birds get corrupted
in new quarters. l should ha'
been more careful who l sold
him to. l didn't think you was
that sort O. a gent" and John
son found himself outside, feel
ing like a culprit, before he
quite understood what hap
pened.-AHS1gerS.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-02-14

WOMAN became emancipated
on the day that fainting went
out of fashion.-VixeH.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-02-14

Don't you think my new hat is
poem, dear?'
Judging from its height,
should say it looked more like a
short story. journal Amusant.
of the Rivers of Narrative"
through various versions, in
many centuries and languages.
The Hindu tale is, in brief,
something like this: A rich
man said to his treasurer, in
the hearing of a musician who
had entertained him, "Give this
man two thousand panas. The
treasurer, replying that he would
do as ordered, went out. The
minstrel asked for the panas
but was refused. On appealing
to the rich man, the musician
received this response, "What
did you give me that | should
make a return? You afforded
a short-lived pleasure to my
ears by playing on the Tyre, and
l gave a short-lived pleasure to
your ears by promising you
money"
In Gladwin's PERSIAN Moon
shee" a poor poet recites verses
in praise of a wealthy man, who
promises him a quantity of
grain; but later says to him,
"You are a blockhead you
delighted me with words, and I
Los Angeles herald., 1909-02-14
4 La Mode

THE LAWYERS WIFE-What
does the paper say about this
seasons suits F?
THE LAWYER (absently) =
Large checks will be the cor
rect thing in law suits this sea-
son.-Life.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-02-14
ZERO TIME.

MISTRESS-What did you tell
those ladies who Just called?
SERVANT-Oi told 'em you was
out, mum.
MISTRESS-And what did they
say?
SERVANT = "How fortunit,"
mum.-Pick- Me-Up.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-02-14
AriSt0cYatic Fo7UIS

''Do animals have their social
customs and institutions ?"
1 presume so. | have no
doubt that the geese have their
Descendants of the Cacklers
Who Saved Rome. Puck.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-02-14
OLD FRIENDS IN
NEW DISGUISE
g
Logical Reason

OJTU"1 INC UOO'V
JINKs-Have you selected a
trade or profession for your
boy?
WINKs-I shall make a plum
Der of him.
JINKs-Has he a bent that
way?
WINKs - He's born for it.
Tell him to do a thing imme-
diately, and he won't think of
it again for a week.-Tit-BitS.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-02-14

PERCY-Do you think your
father would object to me marry
ing you?
PEARL couldn't say. If he's
anything like me, he would
Illustrated Bits.
Los Angeles herald., 1909-02-14

Rire.
Fooles," an English jest book
of the sixteenth century, there
is tale almost precisly like the
Hindu narrative.
A Japanese story says that
Kisaburo, a man of economic
spirit, took lodgings on the side
of market for eels. The ap-
petizing odor of fried eels en-
tered his dining room and sea-
soned his bowl of rice. The
man with the eels presented his
bill for the odor of the fish.
Kisaburo laid out the money
asked for on the bill, and began
to chat with him. When the
man was about to leave, Kisa-
buro put the money back into
his pocket, replying to the
others remonstrance. "You ask
me for payment for the smell
of your fried fish. l do the
same for the sight of my
money!" This story was known
in Europe in the fourteenth
century.
WOMAN became emancipated
on the day that fainting went
out of fashion.-Vixen.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-25
Creating Life.

rom -Nautllus-
Can life be created? DR. Charlton Bas-
tian, In England, asserts that it can and
that he has done so. By putting certain
chemicals in a sealed glass tube and then
heating it far above the boiling point o.
water ESQ as to kill all germs already
there) and then placing these tubes in
darkness, he has found that germs are
thereby created and that we have life
where there was no life before. Have we
found those chemical substances and
combinations that can create life? And
if so. what are they? These are the ques-
ti0ns to be settled.
For years scientists have been endeav-
oring to form some substance that would
manifest the signs of life. and they have
Invariably been disappointed. Some time
ago some scientists experimental in Cam
bridge University, England. upon radum
and sterilized bouilon. Much was hoped
from these experiments. for ii was found
upon microscopic analysis that certain or
ganisms were created that moved about
and behaved very much like real live bac-
terra. But upon further investigation it
was found that these organisms that had
been created were not real bacteria after
all, but something different. 1t is not
yet known exactly what these organisms
are but they are very different from liy-
ing bacteria, and the statement that life
had been created had to be withdrawn.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-25

open upon level terrace. whore tables
may be placed in pleasant weather.
The complete design contemplates the
construction of a north wing. the prin-
cipal feature of which will be the genera
reception room, although the present ball
room, may be moved bodily into the same
relative position and permitted to remain
there until some later date. when the
still greater growth of the club will impti
the members 10 finish the work which
the committee has outlined.
If the north wing is built, the hall
room will he two full stories in height
with overhanging galleries at the second
floor level. This wing will be three
stories over all, and a number of sleep
ing rooms will he placed on the upper
floor. The wing will be about sixty
feet in length, and. in common with the
rest of the clubhouse, will be about forty
five feet deep.
Both faces of the completed new club
house will be similar in appearance.
though the Connecticut avenue frontage
will be cut under in such way that
an ample driveway may be brought up
to the main entrance and it's porte
cochere. An additional Improvement il
contemplated I'm the construction of two
new bungalows, thus making three such
summer houses for the accommodation
of men members who wish TO reside at
the club during the months of hot
weather.
The plan prepared by the committee of
architects, of which the illustrations az
companying this article are copies, is
only tentative at best, and no definite de-
els on will be made by the board of gov
errors until after the club has expressed
its wishes at a special meeting which Is
to be called shortly. The illustration
shows, however, a number of the features;
which will have to be embodied in the
new clubhouse, whatever plans may bc
| finally decided upon.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-25
EVEN JUSTICES WHEELS
STOP AT HIS DICTATE
Sovereignty Of Santa Claus at Yule-
tide Admitted in the Courtroom
Of Judge Anderson.

That Santa Claus is king on Christmas
eve, and that even the wheels of justice
must be brought to a stop at his dictate
is the decision reached yesterday after
noon by Justice Anderson. A case had
been set down for argument before him
yesterday. and counsel for both sides
were present to conduct the argument,
when the wife of one of the lawyers, fail
ing to find him at his office, wandered
into the courtroom.
She was on Christmas shopping bent,
and there were several presents to be
purchased on which the decision of the
husband was needed. She insisted that
lie accompany her to the shops.
A hurried consultation with opposing
counsel was held, and an agreement
reached that if the, court concurred the
argument might go over until another day.
Justice Anderson smiled when the reason
for the desired postponement was an
nounced, but, suggesting that he would
take judicial notice of the last day for
Christmas shopping, he set another day
for hearing the argument.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-25
Odd Fellows.

Mount NebO encampment. No 6. l. O..
o. F., met Wednesday evening. Chief Pa
triarch william ]. Case. presiding. The
patriarchal degree was conferred upon
two applicants. The work of the degree
team was commended by the visitors pres
emf.
The election of officers for the term be-
ginning January 4. 1909, resulted as fol-
lows:
Chief patriarch. w. S. Keiser: high
priest. F.. A. Norway: senior warden.
James w. Lyons; scribe, Thomas w
Fowler: treasurer, A. r. Vermillion: jul
rior warden. J. A. Quisenberry. The cleo
..ve and appointive officers Of this en-
Patriarch George S. Collision Wednesday
evening. January 3. 1910.
AT the meeting of Eastern Lodge. No.
4 I. O. 0. F.. held Wednesday evening.
nominations were made for the ensuing
wear. The election of officers will be
held, next Wednesday evening. The
regular business will he followed by an
open meeting. to which all members Of
the order and their friends are invited
The entertainment committee has ar
ranged program. to be followed by
refreshments.
The officers of the lodge will be INSTALL
ed January Jointly with the officers Of
Harmony Lodge, No. 3. The entertain
ment for that occasion is being arranged
by joint committee appointed from
the two lodges.
Federal City Lodge, No. 20, at the
Northeast Temple. 18th and Fl streets
northeast. Wednesday evening, held an
election of officers for the ensuing term
of six months The officers chosen will
be installed the evening of January 3 by
F. Il. Rapp, grand guardian of the
Grand Lodge. as acting grand master
Fedora! City Lodge boasts OF a prosper
GUS year. numerically and financially. and
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-25
ond. and III. T.. Charles, master Of the
third walls.

ond. and II. +. Charles. master Of the
third walls.
Capitol Royal. Arch Chapter. No. II.
will hold special eonvocations next week,
Monday, December ~. at o'clock pm,
to confer the past master and most eA-
cellent master degrees, and Thursday
evening. December 80. to confer the
Royal Arch degree.
The Royal Arch degree will be con-
fcrred by the past high priest of the chap
ter. the stations being filled as follows:
F. ]. Woodman as high priest, j. A. Wet
more as king. C. T. Caldwell as SCRIBE
]. Eldridge Burns as secretary. r. F.
Major as treasurer, J. A. Meyer as captain
of the host, E. II. Tompkins as principal
sojOurner, l.. F. Speer as Royal Arch
captain, Arthur Carr as master of the
third vail, B. J. Wrightsman as master
of the second vail, w. G. Glenn as master
OF the first vail.
The officers Of Mizpah Chapter. No. s,
10. z. s., were installed in Masonic Hall,
Georgetown, Tuesday evening by the
worthy grand matron, Mrs. Mary L.
o. Brien, assisted by Mrs. Fanny Taylor,
grand marshal. and Mrs. Ida v. Faber.
grand chaplain. They are as follows:
Worthy matron, Mrs. Roberta Sebastian !;
worthy patron. Samuel G.. Barnard; asso-
ciate matron, Mrs. Emily G. Rosemond:
secretary. Mrs. Annie Thrift; treasurer,
Miss Mary Daw; conductress, Mrs. Helen
Rosie l. Garter: marshal, Mrs. Maud Proc
tor: chaplain Mrs. Mary l.. Kicker: organ
list. Miss Lillian NJ. Meyers; Adah. Mrs.
Maud Boland: Ruth. Mrs. Elizabeth Nc
Neal: Esther Miss Sarah Augle; Martha,
Mrs. Clara Chamberlain: Electa. Mrs
Bessie E. l.. Short; warden, Mrs. Ellis
sentinel. James F. Vermilion; representa-,
tive to Masonic and Eastern Star Home,
Mrs. Mamie r. Morgan. associate grand
conductress.
After the installation ceremonies Lieut.
w. Fl. Harrison presented the past ma
irons jewel. and took the opportunity to
praise the work accomplished by the re-
firing worthy matron. Mrs Maud Proctor
and her officers. DR.. Charles T. Lindsey.
the retiring patron. was presented by the
chapter with a combination inkstand by
Mrs. Mamie r. Morgan. associate con-
ductress. DR.. Lindsey responded appro-
priately The newly installed worthy ma
iron. Mrs. Sebastian. was presented by
Past Grand Patron Hunt. on behalf Of
her friends. with handsome bouquet Of
roses. Remarks were made by the grand
matron. Mrs. O'Brien: the grand patron
Tom j. Landnrgren: Past Patron Wagner
and Thomas w. Sweeney.
lections by the Electa CHAPTER Quartet.
composed of Charles F. Roberts. George
H. Copes. Milton Fillius and Samuel Pum-
phVay, and a soprano solo by Miss Mar
garet f. Larcombe of Martha Chapter
No 4. Refreshments were served in the
banquet hall.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-25
PORK FOR THE PRISONERS
IRISH TURKEY" THE CHRIST
MAS DISH AT WORKHOUSE.
Chance to Attend Religious Services
Another Holiday Treat Afforded
Mr.. Zinkhan's Guests.

IL was motley dinner party that sat
down to the menu at the workhouse at
noon today Each of the enforced guests
OF Supt. Zinkhan wore dress suit In
piack and white stripes. Out at the
workhouse they call it lawn tennis
uniform" Following the up-to-date
prison idea, the menus Were not printed.
but the superintendent and his assistants,
provided the following:
Steamed pork, Pohick style.
Potatoes in their jackets.
Turnips, boiled
Bread la Anacostia flats.
Potomac water, straight.
The after-dinner speeches were breezy
and to the vernacular true.
Hey, Mike, does this mate remind We
of turkee?'' queried One-Eyed Charlie. the
singer.
TT has the flavor ov tn burrd,'. was
Happy Mikes response: "but tn duffer-
ince betwixt turkey an hog is two legs
more on the hog"
Then Turkey-face Kelly sprung this
one on the gang at the Christmas feast
going to do?' ~
Going sleigh riding. ov coorse." re-
marked shrunken specimen of the genus
hobo. who has been railroading and turn
piking many moons.
Nav. I'm going to let it SNOW" was
Turkey-face'S response.
rs that so?" calculated Three Fingered
Marcelus. II was thnkin' maybe you
was goin' to start a SNOWFALL battle
And SO the men of the ties. the turn
pike and the "side-door Pullmans' ban
tered one another while they picked the
pork bones clean. For the nonce they
allowed forgetfulness of their prison
house to have its sway. and in memory
some of them were again about the
happy firesides of home before they
strayed away and became tramps anu
outcastS.
Supt. Zinkhan and Asst. Supt. .Ladd
gave the prisoners, men and women, a
CHEEKY greeting and wished them all a
merry Christmas" That is, merry
as possible under the circumstances. The
men were permitted to attend religious
services at IL O'Clock today. Many rela
tiyes and friends of the inmates called
and gave them dainties and tobacco.
In the Washington Asylum Hospital "A
mblance of Christmas cheer mingled
with the suffering of the patients. Their
were a number of callers. who trudged
through the snow across the stretches OF
commons to the unfortunates and
carry them goodies, books and articles
that may add to their comfort. The
patients in the psychopathic ward have
arranged for an entertainment this even
ing The program will embrace recita-
lions and vocal music.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-25

., Knights Of Pythias. at Pythian Tenn
pie last week as to who portrayed the
role of Calanthe, the sweetheart of
Pythias, in the drama of Damon and
Pythias, which formed an essential
part of the initiatory ceremonies The
doubt has been removed by III. p. Will
ley, who states that B. r. Sherwood a
member of Capitol Lodge, No. "a, trav-
eled nearly a hundred miles to be pres
ent on the occasion and assume the
role of the Grecian maiden. Those who
saw the drama say that Mr.. Sherwood
made an ideal Calanthe.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-25
MASONIC.

LODGES.
Dec. 21.-Grand Lodge, election and in
stallation.
Dec. :s.-Federal. No. l. called on:
Acacia. No. IS, called off.
Takoma. No. -, exempiIhcation
+. c. degree.
Dec. 29.-Masters' Association, annual
banquet.
Temple, No. 90. F. c..
Dec. 3l.-Temple, No. So. watch night
entertainment.
ROYAL ARCH CHAPTERS. ....
Dec. 27.-Anacostia. No. II, business.
Capitol, No. IL, special, p.m.,
F. NJ. and VI. T.. NJ.
Dec. 2s.-Mount Horeb. No. ., p. NJ. and
Potomac. No. 8. p. NJ. ana
Dec. 2s.-Mount vernon, No. 3, special.
Dec. 3O.-High Priests Association.
Ca.,.tol, No. IL, special, pm,
X. A.
Nor BCLLETINED:
Hiram. No. 10.
KNIGHTS TEAipLAR COMMANDMENTS.
Dec. 2s.-De Mo.ay tmountedt, No. i,
business.
SCOTTISH RITE MASONRY.
Dec. 2S.-Robcrt de Bruce Council of
kadush business.
Albert Pike Consistcry, I'D de-
EASTERN STAR CHAPTERS.
Dee .1-Templc. No. Is
Dee. 2S.-Efecta. No. =, AMI Bethlehem,
MISCELLANEOUS.
Dec. as.-Almas Temple, Mystic Shrine.
election and installation.
Dec. 29.--kailipouts Grotto, VeIled Prcph-
cts. ceremonial session.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-25

The Grand Lodge, r. a. A. NJ, for the
District Of Columbia, will hold its annual
tSt. Johns day. meeting for the election
and installation of officers for the ensuing
year Monday evening at O'Clock in
Masonic Temple. The officers for the
present year are as follows: Henry x.
Simpson. grand master; George c. Ober.
deputy grand master; ]. Claude KEEPER.
senior grand warden: Ben W.. Murch.
junior grand warden; Arvine w. john
ston. grand secretary: James A. Sample,
grand treasurer; Thomas II. Young.
grand lecturer: Joseph Dawson. grand
chaplain; J. Russell Verbrycke, assistant
grand chaplain; Charles f. Baldwin,
grand marshal; T. John Newton. senior
grand deacon; Alexander Grant. junior
grand deacon: William w Jermane,
grand swordbearer; James w. Witten,
grand pursuivant; Lem. Towers. jr.,
senior grand steward; Joseph III. Milans,
junior grand steward. Warren G. Bick-
ford, grand tiler. and trustees, Albert r
Fox. samuel r. Bond and James \. Wet
more.
The Association of worshipful Masters
for 1909 will hold it's annual banquet
at the Hotel Gordon Wednesday evening.
and Roe FulkerSOn. master of Harmony
Lodge, No. IL, president of the asso-
citation. will be the POSTMASTER. There
Will be addresses by the outgoing and
incoming grand masters Waiter /.
Paine. past master of Lebanon Lodge.
No. Z. will respond to toasts for the
outgoing masters. Roger O'Donnell,
master Of National Lodge, No. IL, and
Horace P. Mcintosh, master of Hope
Lodge. No. %. will respond to toasts for
the incoming masters. The new masters
will assemble January - to organize the
Masters Association of 1910
AImas Temple of the Mystic Shrine,
will hold its annual elections Tuesday
afternoon and evening. from 80 O'Clock
to o'clock The business session OF
the, temple will probably be called 10
order at O'Clock PM. and await the
returns OF the elections. after which the
newly elected officers will be Installed
James T. Gibbs. who was nominated
for the Office Of assistant rabban. and
William F. Guide and Jaeobus :. Jones,
who were nominated as representatives
to the Imperial Council, have withdrawn
their names, SO that the election through
out Will be uncontested. The ballot con-
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-25
Xmas Eating
and Drinking

The insides of the whole family from
Dad to Baby got lots of hard work to
do this week. CASCARETS will help
them. See that every member of the
family gets CASCARET every night.
This will do the work easily and natu-
rally and save lot of sickness and
suffering later on.
Buy Toe boz cAScARETS-week,s
treatment-and have II handy to use
every night. Xmas wOok.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-25

clubhouse. while the main building will
extend northward across the existing
tennis courts. and terminate in a new
wing of about the same size as the origi-
nal clubhouse.
The general building scheme con-
templates the use of native gneiss, or
field stone, SO that the walls will be
similar In appearance to those Of the
old Pierce mill in Rock Creek Park. The
roof will be of variagated slate, running
from dark green to blue and to purple.
All woodwork will be painted white.
In the treatment Of the surrounding
grounds the tennis courts probably will
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-25
PLAN TO BEAUT|FY
Chevy Chase Club Considers
RemodeIing Scheme.
HOUSE TO BE ENLARGED
Surrounding Grounds Also to Be
Made Over.
COLONIAL STYLE PRESERVED
Drawings of Design Prepared by
Architect Members for Approval
of Associates.

The Chevy Chase Club has under Con-
siderstion a comprehensive plan for the
enlargement of its clubhouse and for the
Identification of the surrounding grounds,
which. If carried out in detail, will meet
not only present day needs, but will
provide for any expansion in membership
that may occur i'll this popular Ora
ization within the ensuing twenty-five
or thirty years.
The necessity for an increase in the
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1909-12-25
The Way. It Is.
From the Cleveland Leader.

From the Cleveland Leader.
l said to my friend: Tell me my faults
and l viii know you are my friend
And he told me my faults and / spurned
him, for L thought him fool
I said to a second friend: TELL me my
faults frankly" And he said / had no
faults and l spurned him, for knew he
was q fool.
| said to my third friend: TELL me all
my faults" And he told me my faults
and | thanked him. And lie spurned me-
for he knew / was a hypocrite.