davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
New-York tribune., 1909-12-05
CHAPTER NIII
YNoNNE 10 HER MOTHER.

Ahf-N- r. ~ tiA-lN -AA1A A1r@As.
-. Male.
Dearest Mamma We are all here together
nesin except The Brewers and the two Trips
and Ellsworth Grimm. n is very jolly.only
an 80 worried over Tncle and Miss Clara
Emily Even Mr.. Peters cannot keep them
apar' I.so took Mr.. Peters to his room
ard talked 20 him seriously. and offered 10
J. alzc Encle sull more worth his while; but
eir. Peters has been agreeable 50 long that
D.. doesn't do IL well any more. lie just
looks silly. and Lee SAYS II he was as he'd
let Uncle 20 nip Bur Of course Lee isn't
as. and I know that he can't be expected
g. know just how We feel. II Uncle John
Iuarries Miss clara Emily. ] know no one
g. going 20 like Il Al all
We went 10 Mont -Saint-Mchel. aud every
one bur Uncle went UP. and he went seven
flights up-he says twenty. bat ] don't be-
iicvc that there are more than sixteen or
seventeen in an. "" were ahead. ana
never knew that De had stopped being be
hind and II was SO interesting on top that
forgot had an uncle.
There are beautiful halls and closters.
. ID then one goos down through all sorts
~ horrors while the guide tells who llved
FIVE years IN this hole aud who lived twelve
years under those steps You get 20 have
such contempt for people who were IN
prison only one or two years over here
as n they ought TO De ashamed OF only
having been IN such a short time.
There is ghOstly. CHASTITY museum in
Mont Saint Michel where the visitors walk
through an unlish;ed gallery and look in
~ wax victims doing different things in a
Nory thoughtful manner--all but one man
who walked on the sand and was Overtalen
b. the tide. and fe looks anything bui
thoughtful The best was the battle. which
WAS very realistic and must have been very
trying 10 the leaders; for how could they
go absOrbed IN a fight when the tide would
orOwn them II they kept on minute TOO
long? There was a man who thought he
would escape. and dug a way out with
lis nails, taking a short lifetime 20 the
task aud tLon be found he'd dug IN in
stead OF out and. after letting himself
down with q rope. he came 20 a bottom al
covered with skeletons.
! can assure you that I was glad We
were al together and that Lee had my
arm tigHt, for the scenes were awfu,.
and ! grew so sick toward the last that
when We came down A. the end and found
Uncls sitting on the Famparts with Miss
Clara J-uiiy ] nearly screamed. They
bad ali come winl. We were above. end
EnIilv aud sumo men were out walking On
thc sand Clara Is somewhat better, but
think she II even more sincere Tran usus.
fhir time in Der ioclzef she has some
plaster from ne wall that she heard
New-York tribune., 1909-12-05

Mrs. Whalen has just come IN 70 saw
that she's going TO Dol. so as 90 see IN.
tide come in at Mont-Saint- Michel and ~
measure our the ginger 50 7 can make Mr.
Peters the tea I'm sure Tn glad she -
sosng, for she makes me so tired and neF-
vous. always hopping up 20 fix something
with her screw driver and want % WASH
the petroleum out OF my hair before Lee
comes back He doesn't like the smell o,
petroleum at all
i offered TO help her pack. but she doesn't
pack. She wears a sort OF nightg0gn Tor
underwaist and petticOat together, and ths
mont OF her blouse has pockets inside FOR
all her toilet things. She says she washes
one garment every night. and buys a clean
handkerchief each Saturday and Nednes-
day. and has pocket for her letter OF
credit sewed 10 her corset I think II Is
awful 20 be so very convenient
She went and never said a thing about
me- for il left me all alone with Scott Nc
Carthy. and I know Lee won't like that AZ
ai- The mail came. and I thought I'd BET
Ter say had a headache and come up here
10 stay alone till Uncle comes back
1 had all your letters and Ednaa Edns
Is so happy, and everything goes 50 SMOOTH
for her and Harry that Tn almost serFS
some days that I'm Uncle's favorite. Leo
wants to tell Uncle right cut and oe acn'
with IL. but want TO wait for faversos
time. and every time that things oesin ~
look favorable something unexpected nap
pens TO make him say Hum" II Is 50 tFy-
ms, Edna says she's getting lol OF
things twice over 50 that can have hsl''
and she says she thinks we ought 20 'e
coming bae. so as TO meet you. eau
make her understand how HELPLESS i az
for can't do anything with Uncle sasS
I'm alone with him enough % make h'i"
think that want to DO something else.
And Lee thinks Il Is an outrase and 80
he has rights. too. do think that
didn't love Lee I would be really slaa
have the world all women. men are so anu
cult 10 get along with.
But, YOU know. no matter what s~'
I'm having a lovely time after al, anu
am grateful To Uncle for having erouslt u
lovingly. YvoNNE
T.. :. IL IL 10 o'clock. and the ss0"'
never came IN. N Uncle sets seasicS ~
storm. he'll never want 20 lay eyes eh
again. and he'll never forgive me.
(ro be eoRtinced)
New-York tribune., 1909-12-05
81 Petersburg.

81 Petersburg.
To Editor Tribune.
Dearest Sir
when I approached into - Peters
burg By train ] was accompanied by
Cousin Nogi. my dog O-FldO and the
rest 81 my baggage. BY looking from
window ~ car we could see 1000 COM
pletc soldiers clumped. together on r. II.
platform with Sandy Claus appearance.
Intelligent Jewish merchants could be
s,en running back & forthly with push
carts hlled with bombs labelled. Try
one-lse. Doz. To Day Only" Near
ny VIC could behold a collection OF boots
walking around with whiskers on top
az them. We knew them AT once b.
sheir photos-thev was the pressed
pesssntry of Russia.
Cousin Nogi observe this human au-
dience while he was making hop-off from
train. and he WAS very proud.
i am 50 glad the Militia is here 20
meet us" he say coyly.
But O-Fido make nerve signals with
tail like he wished to remain in Amer
Sea where he was acquainted with the
Police.
We elope down the platform tren-
bling IN every knuckle. A militia look
ing personality resembling Gen Kuro-
pstkin approach up with sword and re-
euire
'Hsshimuroff Togoski?"
recognize myself
Vodka nux Whislzi." repose this war
Vodka is deliciously injurious for the
price" I report. attempting 10 say
soothing compliments 10 the Russian
people That General make sneeze OF
deep disgust.
Al them soldiers look gloOmly 10 US
with eyes like they seen oGr mistake in
coming 10 Russia.
~Pushhdn," cry that Commander with
voice. And the entire cluster of soldiers
make thrush 20 us with advanced bay
nuts. Me and Nogi and O-FidO do war
cry shout similar 10 Port Arthur &
soonlv we are engaged in considerable
siu Jitsu mingled with international ban-
zsis and loud bumps.
But il was vain struggly for US
flat 10 platform with entire Russian
Army setting on our neckties. our coats
A. shoes was removed of 10 see how
much revolution they contained. a Gus
tom House policeman rush up with duti-
ful eNpnessiOn peculiar TO Hon. Wm.
Loeb when greeting the Lusitania. He
make inrOads 10 my satchel-valise
a shake away all my trOussoau endeaV-
oring 10 get some tariff out OF IT, After
this ceremony We was stuck hastily to-
scther again snd me a Nogi q O-FidO
with iron wris;-cun on our sleeves was
chain ganged OF 10 St Peter a. ST.
Paul's jail where we couldn't have moth
ing 10 read bat a copy OF the Outlook"
!. translated into Russian and all African
II correspondence blOued Out for fear il
Fmight teach the Russian people 10 shoot
straight.
shall we remain thusly forever tin
Death do us midew? ii so. how shah
New-York tribune., 1909-12-05

interviewing. 1--WE . reporters come al
way from Chicago to make interview
with you which will be read by all the
Human Population OF America"
s'I do not care for Human Population" :"
depose Nick rocking napkin In his col
lar. II am principally interested tn
Ears"
We have deliciousy few Ears In
America" Z suggest. (O-Fido shake his
tail waggishly when he hear this. like
he should wish TO choke with smiles)
How is Senator Aldrich?" require
Nick.
Loved and suspected by all" I re-
port "whenever America needs any
thing. that great statesman sees IL tirst
g. pickles il for the Pluto Cats. He are
revered everywhere as the happy idol
of the Unpopular Majority"
The Boss OF Rumanuff think thought
fully.
with such an One he dictate final
iy. II should be able TO run Russia on
soft springs Oftenly 1 have thought of
this As 1 said 10 Cousin Victor while
/ pressed his fine Italian hand. E,m-
manuel / says. the Tyrant Trust has
got too much Divine Right and Internal
Nonsense. What we need is good
Business Manager Nick say Vic. 4
have oftenIy considered that same lack.
But what use? i have applied at Wash
ington times & times. only to find that
all the Talent was engaged several
years ahead by the local market"
IL Ape "a OF
International Peace & Friendship when
you & Hon. Vic. Emmanuel met to-
gether in Pallagra. Italyc' is next ques-
tion for me.
"Suburbly splandid." requite this great
Despotter. For days & days before our
arrival together the loyal soldiery moved
down the grass & trees & peasants
along the X. r track and chased OF
whatever dynamiters was hiding there;
for weeks & weeks the happy Pinker-
tons. disguised as dainty fower-girls.
thronged gaily among the freight yards
with firearms tastefully concealed among
baskets of pretty flowers. What could
be more inspiring than the shouts OF
the 10000 Cossacks. deputy sheriffs and
special policemen who met our Harvey
lied, bomb-proof trains. smuggled us in
to armored automobiles and so on our
way TO Pellagra Castle. the International
Government Spies Band following on
motorcycles and playing patriotick tunes
to the deafening cheers OF our loyal sub
jects and other Anarchists on their way
TO Jail? What could be a more encour-
aging reception TO one in the King Bust
ness?"
Nothing but Revolution" I report
chivalrously.
While thusly we chartered Duke IN
Head Waters uniform entered in with
a quart of soup firmly closed up IN a
air-tight bottle. He sat this down with
salutes on the table befront of the Ear.
After him followed Polish Scientists
who approached up & examined that
nourishment with microscopes. After
they was satisfied, Hon. Waiter pour out
Hon. Soup 10 Hon. Ear and gave the
bottle to me & Nogi & O-Fido.
why should you act SO DIR. Wiley
about your Foods?'' I requesh
81 are always particular to know that
no Dangerous Politickal Opinions has
got into il by mistake" negotiate him
with spoon.
What is advantage of being a Zsr?''
is fresh question from me.
"A Ear can club down the Common
New-York tribune., 1909-12-05

Pedestrians at the slightest Desv." =,
narrate.
In America any Traffic Policeman can
do that" J report
so many folks can do rhat thew
please in America-O Liberty. how FRA,
you arer' say Nick. rovsrentiy pressing
his fork 20 his heart.
do you never long % be a plunh.,
or a undertaken OF some other hunbf.
merchant. 70 be free g. equal and Iovsd
by all who meet your I reql9ssh
'vhy should it, .repFoach Zar wiz,
napkin. why should these happy mer.
chants be happier than me- Am NOT
also loved by all who meets unee T am,
n folks don't love me. they are not per-
nitted to meet me-. Few ordinary
Plumbers. however prosperous. can az
ford a Standing Army % protect then,
from criticism. II folks don't love =.
Plumber they can approach his studt,
and say with voice. Hon. Sir. you a..
a grasping species of shellhsh RI.
any person what desire 20 call me a
shellhsh has got TO go TO Siberia 20 say
it,
But is not Ears frequently poisoned
by Anarchy food?'' I requite.
NO more oftenly that Plumbers =,
poisoned by banjoate OF soda" say Nick
IN Wiley manner.
But Ears is frequently shot by their
loving subjects" I narrate.
Not so oftenly as Plumbers is shot
by barkeeps." compose he.
Then you mean tell me that YOU n.
so little ambition that YOU are hunabYv
ccntented with being a Zar?" cry of.
II can think OF no other job would
rather be-" say him. "A Zsr Is as happy
as a King A Diplomat is hired 10 read
the mean things said about me in pa
pers. A Prime Minister arranges NV
thoughts. a Valet arranges my baths
My digestion is run by the Royal Col-
lege OF Physicians and Surgeons When
I think about how protected I am
should sing and dance through ny cosey
bombproof home as joyful as kinder
garten."
And do you sing & dance thuslye''
so sorry TO report" say Zar with
slight tear-drop. II do not. Whenever
become kittenish must stop & think Of
500.900.00o enemies awaiting around cor
ner to jugsle me up"
But why should YOU have bilious
frite from enemies what can't get at
you? Enemies TO a King is like Mike
robes 10 Private Persons. A man can
giggie at Death when Science stands
around to guard him from such Bugs"
Hon. Nick. Ear OF Russia. arise uply
& throw off tableware exeitedly.
"Hashumuroff Togoslly, how little you
understand Kings and other sickness"
he decrop. when Mikerobes chew you
you do not know IL and are therefore say
& reckless. But il is him who is Steri-
lized who sleeps with Nightmares and
jumps hOoting from his dreams az the
lightest football of a Typhoid Germ"
SO he shake his crown as a signal that
we should be showed away from his pres
ence. And me & Nogi & O-Fido make
back-off bows. striking our ankles on
nearly all furniture we pass until we feel
quite decompOsed-
Hoping you are the same
Yours truly.
HASHIMURA TOGO.
Copyright. 1909. by the Associated Literar,
Press.)
Was ever a man m originator and
plagiariSt az the same time?"
Yes. the first plasiaTist was'-Puck
New-York tribune., 1909-12-05

quick way that poor Clara says she's cured
of Mr.. Brewer forever. She will have to eat
soup through a china straw for several
days.
Uncle wants to go to Carnac and see the
ruins of the Stone Age. and he and Miss
Clara Emily are mapping out "A trip. I'm
sure / don't know what I'll do for Scott
Mccarthy has bet Mr.. Stowell $40 that
Uncle gets hooked in Carnac. Lee told
ne. and Lee himself is provisioning the
yacht, and says he's cOcksure that he eats
some of those provisions aboard of her him.
self Emily doesn't want TO go 10 Carnac.
and Jim Freeman says il isn't any auto
mobile country, on account OF the relies of
the Stone Age being SO thick in the roads.
New-York tribune., 1909-12-05
A CONFIDENTIAL CHATTER =
WITH THE CAR OF RUSSIA
He Tells Togo He Needs American Business Manager to Run
His Empire Soft Springs, but Finds He Cannot Get One

we ever chatter with the Zar for all L.
:. newspapers" snubbie Nogi with
weeps.
Howells from O-Fido.
Like all other Despots. Hon. Zar is
a sweet & kindly man after ofsice-hours."
combust conhdentially. Therefore
shall write him note fun OF soft tears"
50 pull OF my cuff & on this I wrote
following SADLY thought:
Dear Zar:-2 japanese Schoolooys &
Dog are all American subjecks locked
dsmply away for nothing. which they
didn't do & should wish 10 talk News
we are here TO ask. Please, can't We:
Yours truly,
III Togo, -Nogi & O-Fido"
BY next early morn. while O-Fido was
thinking lonesomely OF friends i'm o-Hio
& Nogi was borrowing a Siberian Rail-
way Timetable from a Anarchist in the
neXt apartment. Of suddenly Imperial
JanitOr OF the Guard, brightly trimmed
with feathers. arrived up & poke follow
Ing envelope into our excited cages:
"Room % Imperial Palace
Dear Togo
Excuse me not TO be among others to
welcome you at Union Depot yesterday.
Make yourself comfortable as possible.
Can't you come q have free lunch with
DE 10 day? Dress informally in any
-Adnirars uniform you happen 20 have
around. Bring your Cousin Nogi and
the other dog.
Your truly
Nick"
Cordial feelings of international cour-
tesy enjoyed by all when we read this.
Nogi were too anxious. as usual IIe at
tempt 10 elope 20 Winter Palace without
his coat & hat; but detacn him from
this ru1sness. because u are customary
10 be polite TO Kings. however YOU dis
agree with them in the newspapers.
At 1880 exact eloek-Iime we was un-
claimed A moujik CRussian name for
Iullman Porter massaged our feetvare
q lent me a uniform belonging TO a
Swiss Admiral VINO was dead. II might
have been n good fit, but Il wasn't.
Tie pants, which was very sweetly en-
broiderad. was so tail they clothed me
my meek 10 avoid drop-off. You could
make them cOzier by turning them up"
snuggest Nogi l do so and they fold
around nv knees with appearance OF
rubber boots. Howeverly, look very
militia in this disguise.
by outside sidewalk We was met with
a golden sley driven by a gilt COACH
man. Great enthusiasm everywheres
while We pass by. Folks what seen US
thought we was Princes or visiting AL
German OF high rank. While we was
lOoling down Nevski Prospeckt we was
shot al q times 10y Socialist Democrats.
Which show how aristocratick we must
Lave looked.
Soonly We arrive to Winter Palace.
This architecture look like any other
City Hail only more expensive and less
corrupt We penetrated up steps 20 a
hallway OF Waldorf appearance. Dukes
6 bellbOys seen everywheres. At lastly
New-York tribune., 1909-12-05
(NEXT DAY.)


Dearest Mamma: Why didn't you write
me that Mrs. Whalen was coming abroad?
She arrived last night on the Jersey boat,
and saw Uncle and Miss Clara Emily on
the Tamparts through her marine glasses.
She hunted us up at once. for she says that
affair must stop right where il is She
New-York tribune., 1909-12-05
QUANTITY VS.. NUMBERS.

Old Cnc!e Hastus asked George wsrr,ei
meton Johnson. OF Utah. why ne m""
such "monstus big woman. a., rr,rls
You see if was dis way, sslu n,.a.,
George The MormOns has as many wos.ts,,
as dey want. and taught oein's eo~"
have A. many as dey had I'd Set A. 10
enc "a I could while was a-sltun
uonal Monthly
New-York tribune., 1909-12-05
SEEING TRANCE WITH UNCIF< TOF1N

through. and she says she sleeps with f.
pressed 10 her lips. And know that Miss
Clara Emily is going 10 do everything in
the world 10 get Uncle. for Emily says she
was travelling just with a little hand
sa'chel, and now she insists on suit &se.
Oh. dear. ] don't know what 10 do: and
Lee is tired OF the situation. and wants d
go yachting. aud ] want TO go with him.
IL would De SO lovely off yachting with
Lee; and the Yacht is anchored where we
can see her from the city walls. Lee IS
forever pointing 10 her. He says Mr.. Stow
ell would let him have her for a month.
any day.
We passed the Brewers on our way 10
Moni-Saint-M Michel but they must have
seen the Kingsleys and gone back. Mrs
Brewer told me in Wire that they could
ncyer meet the Kingsieys again she said
that Air. Brewer said If he should meet
Clara he knew hc should explode. don't
think that Mr.. Brewer has much heart .or
he never would have called poor Clara n
yellow Kid; I've known Clara ever since 7
was a baby. and 1t never struck me that
she looked like that till she told me that
Mr.. Brewer said so.
We all took the tram ride 10 Rocabev
yesterday. but one is so afraid that a wave
viii wash over the car and drench every
one with spray that Il isn't much fun. The
tide is 50 funny all along this coast, becaus.
the coast is so level that foot of water
covers a mile or so. and when a wave
starts To come I'm there's nothing 10 stop II
al all don't think that 81 Malo Is very
Interesting. but perhaps that is just Uncle
and Miss clara Emily. He sends her yio-
lets, and know II is he. for IL couldn't be
Afr. Peters o. Mr.. StoweIl, and il wouldn't
be Jim Freeman or Scott Mccarthy. She
wears them pfnne: On In such a funny way
CNEXT DAY)
ST. Malo.
Dearest Mamma Edna has sent me the
letter about your coming over, and I am so
relieved. Perhaps you viii get here in time
20 save Uncle from Miss Clara Emily: I
do hope SO. Edna's things must be lovely
and ] read her letter 10 Lee. lie says il
I'm good I will have some things of my
own some DAY. and ! do hope so: but
Uncle IL so heavy on my mind that ! can
rot realize that shall ever have any life
except trying 20 keep him from Miss Clara
Emily Mr.. Peters Is no good al all any
more. and has a bad cold besides. lie and
Clara ST on the ramparts and gaze at the
sea, and look as n they were two consoia
tion prizes that the people who won didn't
care enough sboU; 90 take home with them.
Lee Gays lie never realized that Mr.. Peters
could peter out quite 50 completely. I.es
wants % 20 yachting. aud wants He 10 So
too and ! can't leave Uncle. and Uncle
won't leave Miss Clara Emily
It's quite stupid here al ST. Malo, aad
New-York tribune., 1909-12-05
CNEXT DAY.)

NL.
Dearest Mamma Such an awful thing
almost happened, Clara had a nightmare
aEd came near choking 10 death on Mr.
Brewers plaster-the lOcket. you know.
Uncle says only a prompt. efficient quick
witted. thoroughly capable nature like Miss
Clara Emilys could have saved her Oh,
Just know he's becoming serious, and Lee
SAYS it's Just tommy-rot about the efficiency,
because all In the world that Miss Clara
Emily did was TO jerk the lOcket up by the
chain; and she did that I'm such an awfully
New-York tribune., 1909-12-05

we want to so on; but Lee won't go on.
and Id rather stay i'm a stupid place with
Lee than go anywhere without him. He's
mad over the kingsleys tagging along. be-
cause he likes Scott Mccarthy less and less
all the time. Scott walks on the other side
OF me sometimes, and Lee doesn't like IT,
/ think land is getting on Lees nerves and
he ought 90 go yachting but life is such a
tangle just now that I don't know what 20
do about anything. Miss Clara Emily IS
hemstitching a handkerchief and Just
know that it is for Uncle. Oh, dear
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1909-02-07

stranger. The program had to be
searched for her name. There are two
ways to introduce talent on the New
York stage-to fare it beforehand with
trumpets Of heraldry and to keep mum
and let the people discover it for them
selves. The latter method was applied
to Bena Hoffman. Not till she danced
amazingly OF the first night Of The
Fair COED Gid the assemblage know
she was a Timber wonder, an agile mar
vel and a creature 10 be tossed. tvirIed
and flung like q weightIess semblance
of q girl by a stalwart man in a waltz
at the college commencement bail. Did
she shadow Elsie Janis to an eclipse 2
Oh, no. As told you, Elsie nearly got
along without her admired but very ia
miliar limitations. The play was almost
over when Bena made her sms 81: and
that's what stage folks now call a big
hit. Did Elsie let It go at that2 she
did not but struck out with her i'm
presentations Of six strongly individual
players. WORKOUT in manner. but re-
newed quoting from recent roles and
thereby She got the evenings final ap-
plause.
1t looked ike a big night that night.
Every few wears q tide Of irnmodestv
strikes the New York stage. fnereasas
in Improperly a. each new production
vics with its uublushins rival and gen
orally culminaXes in a clash with the
police. Sspho Of the calcrie temper
ament and Mrs. Warren OF the infa-
nous profession were ladies Of experi-
ence from bad pssts. After them the
vicious food sUbsided. The new inuo-
Gation has foated the gyrations known
with small reason as ''Sslorne- dances
a mass Of wicked songs. some gaiIy
French avaEanzas. several excel
lently strong but harshly brutal dra-
mas; and finally. the genius of Wilde
and Strauss and the beauty Of Mary
Garden in the unbelievable .-Salome."
After ali those things comes The Girl
From Rector's 1t was promised to
''ths limit" in indeeeney. Preliminary
circulars were such as / have never
seen issued by an American theatre of
any grade to advertise play The out
side Of the folder showed a waiter leer-
ing up at a large tray which ne carried
and on which. in the midst of lobster
sat a fsshiiy dressed girl. while
printed beneath was the explanation:
"A spicy salad with very little dress
ms" On opening the sheet one found