The Washington times., 1909-10-24
Administration Seeking ST.
lent Diplomat for
Post.
LIST OF ELIGIBLES
EXTREMELY SMALL
President Finds Few Proper Can
didates Are Avail
able.
BY JAMES HAY, Jr.

y
Any dumb man who has taken the
pFecaution not to learn the sign
language. and who could not write in
the sand If his life depended on It. stands
a good chance to be appointed American
minister to China If he will apply to the
State Department for the Job.
! A minister to China is earnestly de-
sired by the Department OF state, and,
according to the views Of the President
and Mr.. Knox, It would be best to have
a man for the post who viii show the
beneficial results Of business training.
But, above ali things. he must not
talk
Charles R. Crane, man Of affairs.
versed in the business Of the Orient
and polished by foreign travel. got the
job, bought his passage to the Celestial
Empire-and talked. The result vas
that he was given a ticket back to prl-
vate life and nobody took the preeau-
ton TO hand him the return fare or ask
him to call again.
What is now wanted for the Mace
is one of those rare fellows who do not
converse. but who know all about
China, diplomacy. and business affairs.
Consequently, the applications Of in
surance agents, book agents, sideshow
spielers and linguists will stand but a
slight chance with the appointing power.
The thing wanted is a man who wears
nickeI-pIated. unfaiIing. doubIe-back-
acting gag. with a Maxim sfencer on
the end Of his tongue for the sake OF
precaution.
Silence Is Golden.
The Ideal candidate for the post would
do well not to read anything about the
language of the flowers and the birds.
and he would do well to remember that
the walls have ears. He should fanlil-
iarize himself with the virtue OF not
letting his left hand know what his
right hand does or doesn't He should
point out to himself each morning that
silence is golden and thick beset with
priceless gems.
From this, it may wei be inferred
that unofficial announcement can now
be made of the fact that the Depart
ment of State is all up in the air"
about the man to be sent TO China as
the representative Of the United States
and the desires Of the United States
to bite of a large chunk Of China's
somewhat munifcent commerce, trade,
business. and profits. There are dumb
men in the confines of the United States,
but unfortunately most Of them know
the sign language.
/ Men who know something about China
and business matters have been star
| tied TO learn that they talk In their
/ sleep. Obviously, men who talk in their
sleep, even If they are speeehless
I throughout the day. are scarcely 1T for
| the diplomatic job Of keeping the open
door and tearing of the aforementioned
| chunk OF Chiaas trade. They realize
| this and are backward about boasting
| Of their fitness for the place.
The sound Of a good, American bass
voice in Picking would in all probability
/ result in war. the rupture OF diplomatic
| relations, the slamming Of the open
| door, the ruin OF Manchuria and the
/ crucifxion OF all onr plans throughout
| the Orient. The japanese would resent
/ it, just as they are alleged to have re-
| scented Mr.. Cranes loquacity.
! What the japanese and this Govern
ment want at Picking is a strong man
/ who will sit by the still waters, drink
! ing in the solitude Of a desert scene
and jumping out of his skin II ne hears
! himself sneeze twice IN rapid success
sion. Garrulity is out OF the question
Is a Lost Art.
! The fine young person who goes up
| against the Chinese mission must know
| that conversation is a lost art, and that
all he has to do is to wrap himself IN
Illumination. contemplation. desolation,
| and night. No gabby guys need apply
| That sums up the whole terrific situa-
ton. Gabby guys are ruled out. Gags
| are preferred to CUFF.
! once for all, it should be known that
! the Chinese post = no old ladies' sew
ing circle, no pink tea, no gossip CEN
| ter.
! When the right sort Of man viii be
| found for the place has not vet been
| announced by the Department of State.
| There is a steadily growing impression
/ the list OF eligibles is extremely small.
/ Careful search Of the deaf and dumb
| institutions with excursions into the
| Polar regions, has not yielded up the
| rich harvest of diplomats expected Al
| together. it is hard, awfully hard, 10
| find the right sort OF man
] In the meantime Charles R Crane
| who came into the service like a king
and went out Of il like rocket mas
! himself able TO converse with his rel
/ lows TO say good morning TO his tr1ends
/ and to laugh at anybody he chooses
Ii is his reward for not wearing
| Maxim silenCer-