davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

Hereupon the Secretary grinned affably..
The Job you ought to have under this
benign government" he said, is superln-
tendent of the census"
Apropos of this department debt collect
ing business another story is getting
about recently about a clerk and one Of
the early Roosevelt cabinet officers who
did take up the cases of the collectors.
The clerk had a pretty fairish job in
one of the departments, where his work
was of technical character. He got to
the end of his debt-making tether here,
being young man Of expensive habits
and tastes. One day his creditors got to-
gether and resolved to move in body
upon the Secretary Of the department in
which their debtor was employed. They
were tailors, haberdashers, livery stable
keepers, florists. hatters. shoe dealers.
ten-per-cent sharks, all sorts. They COM
pared notes and found that the clerk. in
the aggregate, owed them $4,000 and over.
They marched to the Office of the Secre-
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

probably out of Washington, they consid-
cred that he would be a flown bird.
So his bunch of creditors. who had been.
figuratively speaking, bowling for the
young mans hearts blood but few
moments before. begged the Secretary to
retain him In the service.
But how am l going to keep the man
if he wants to go?" inquired the Secre-
tary puzzled. Are you sure you want
this resignation to stick" he asked the
clerk.
I'm already off the pay roll, sir" re-
piled the clerk, and he made his little
bow and beat 1t out of the room and out
of the building.
That same night he left Washington
with just few dollars in his pocket. Just
two years later his salary an official
Of manufacturing concern in Cleveland
was $15, 600 year. and in due time he re-
turned to Washington and paid up every
sou-markee that he owed.
But there are them don't.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26
"a


ne was mean and ornery walked behind
him and tapped him on the shoulder.
Hey, bo." said the cop, amiably, give
y'rself a show. You amt bad at ALL
and wantin' to bite people. What you
needs saooze hey? Am I right"
The would-be mean man turned around
and grinned at the big Broadway cop.
We'll. / didn't shay anythin' bout
wantin' t hook UP wish pleecesh forsh.
did l. Zheneral Bingham?" he said to the
cop. Don't believe i could do It, right
now. at that. Maybe L amt sho bad ash
| think l am. Bet four dollarsh I'd beat
it f'r tn tall cactush If a one-armed man
nd shlap me on tn wishbone. I'm josh
bluff, thash all-jesh bluff. Come on n
have ball wish me. hey"
me cop good naturediy declined the in
vitation. and the man who had tried to
cajole himself into the belief that he was
bad man from Bitter Crick got into
northbound Broadway car after about
picking him up
Finally / had a view of a Christmas
souse whose bun was of the fearful va
riety. He was leaning against a railing
on the 3ith street side of the Waldorf
Astoria, bewailing the sadness of the
world. A richly clad little girl. holding by
the hand her richly clad little brothers.
and both in tow of a white-capped nurse
girl. passed by the man who was mourn
full over the general misery of things. and
this was his cue.
"Jesh shee t6oshe poor li'P kidsh," he
almost sobbed. Go, weather. n neezher
of 'em wish 'nough clothesh on 'em t. keep
'em warm. IF I had pricesh I'd buy 'em
houshe n lot. Thash wha' they need
houshe n lot Losh o. mish'ry in zish OIL
worr, anyhow. Feel mishbul mself. Wun-
ner why I'm mishbul. anyhow? Damhno.
Mush be 'caush-well, I gesh I'll have
'nozzer ball" and then one of the miser-
able ones friends happened to dart by In
a hanson cab and the mourner was picked
up and taken for a ride for himself.
CLARENCE L. CULLU
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

for, sir" replied the clerk. However.
SIR" added the clerk, his eyes twinkiing,
'let's not talk shop!"
That got roaring laugh out OF the
Secretary.
Say, you, / want you to get out OF
here" said the Secretary to the collector
You go and tell that Internal medico for
me that he ought to be proud of having
officiated at the making of this record,
much less hound the man who shares in
the glory Here Wait a minute! Dash
me, I'll pay the bill myself! How much is
it," and the Secretary grabbed the bill
out of the collectors hand and looked 1T
over. Then he dived into his pocket and
paid the bill out of hand
''You go back to your desk" said the
Secretary to the shabby, cowed clerk, and
if there are any more double visitations
under your vine and fig tree you send the
bin to me, no matter whether I'm in
Washington or elsewhere at the time. and
I'll be glad to pay 1t.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

W1omxe 1s nosa b pe 4D S.s
climbed up on the water wagon or in
tend to do SO the first of January. 1909,
the temperance cause. it would appear.
will start the New Year under most ia
vorable auspices. Emperor William, Judge
Taft and District Attorney Jerome make
a fine trio to promulgate the word, not to
speak of the many lesser dignitaries who
viii forsake the cup that cheers for
water that is wet
Once upon time it was considered
fatal to mans chances OF social sue
cess to be seen sober after dinner. Now
adays excess is frowned upon, and a
man seen playing see-saw with HIM
self Is classed with the chronic rumdums.
Inc future may see even the moderate
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26
The Precise Scientist.

Gov. STUART of Pennsylvania. at q
- dinner in Philadelphia during the
opening of the opera season. said OF q
noted Philadelphia scientist:
He IS the most exact man I ever met
lie believes in nothing but proven facts.
Continually he pins you down.
One day / said to him:
Cannibalism-what an abomination,
To eat of human flesh! Brrrr.'
THE scientist frowned
Pardon me. but have you ever eaten
OF human f1esh?' he said, severely.
No, said I.
Well, them he demanded, why do
You speak of things that you know moth
ing at all about?''
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26
Aunt Jane speaks tautologicaIly

tAunt Jane speaks tautologcally at
timeso
Then you'd be behindhand.'' say L.
shrieking at the joke which was coevaI
with the creation.
My left hand would be left behind and
my right hand would be right behind.
wouldn't it?" asked Aunt Jane, ending
with skyrocket of a laugh.
(And then we clutched each other, and
shook each other and bawled and yelled
at each other to show each other how
awfully funny we thought each otherD
And why couldn't that extra left hand
play foot ball?" / asked when able to
articulate.
(And as for Aunt Jane. she shook her
dear old dippy head and said she din't
know.)
Because / submit, because it's the
left behind and there is no such position
on the team
Now Aunt Jane, she thinks so much
of me she's going to remember me in her
will. And as for me-that's the question
AS for me-
YOU guess.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

But l have no legal right on earth to
do such thing as that" said the Secre-
tary. However. he summoned a messen-
ger and had the clerk brought before him.
My young friend" said the Secretary
when the clerk appeared. these are some
of your creditors"
so see. SIR" said the clerk II could
not possibly mistake one Of them"
NOW" pursued the Secretary who oc-
casionally lapsed into colloqual English.
1T seems to have about come to this:
You've got to pay or git. How about 1t
What are you going to do?"
Gilt, SIR" promptly replied the clerk
and forthwith sat down at the Secretary's
desk and scrawled his resignation.
instantly there ensued great clamor
among the creditors. They didn't want
the young man to git AS long as he
retained his government job they felt that
they at least had a fighting chance of
nnally getting something on their bills
But off the government pay roll, and
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26
"Ah. to have missed Roopo-''

An. TO nave missed ftOOpO--
Amt il a shame?' weeps Beauty.
And did you see the painting by
E'Claire-his Loves Lollypops""
mo" (Such a missing)
And have you been to the theater this
week."
And then you've missed the Bear
Hugo"
(Sadness)
And have you read Three wiggles?'"
mo"
GLOOMY
Then says Art, well go out RIGHT
NOW and BUY Three Wiggles.'
(Art's hat Is In Arts hand. Arts foot
steps take Art out of the room via the
mistetoe. Beauty follows with that dear
little frou frou that the French authors
write about en- masse. And as Art gets
just a step beyond the mistletoe he
"Roopo is a great statue. 1t is so big, -
raising one hand high in the air.
ooh. amt it big?' says Beauty.
Then, being right there. Art kisses
and tries to get away-quite hard-but not
TOO hard. And Art, Hungry Art, stays
right there as If he were nailed fast. and
the mistletoe berries, blushing madly,
furiously, awfully. change from white to
red, and drop, one by one, upon the floor.
And after a long, awful long time, Art
and Beauty are still there. In fact, 1T
gets tiresome to stand and window seat
has to be found.
Frank" says Beauty, I'VE missed
Roopo."
There isn't any Roopo."
"And we didn't buy Three Wiggles.'
There isn't any such book
And the Bear HugT"
ooh" says Art. ooh; that's DIFFER
ENT matter. We won't miss that
And you bet they didn't. While as for
Loves Lollypops," they bought whole
box full.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

<tI rs nice day." observed my friend
the artist.
isn't it?'' enthusiastically adds Beauty,
in the form of Rosalie.
But 1t looks like snow continues
Art, toying with his teaspoon, stabbing
an innocent slice of lemon through the
heart. and CHANGING at a great big bunch
of mistletoe in the doorway.
Yes. indeed: but Christmas is not
Christmas without snow"
Nor mistletoe," whispers Art, with the
One Big Effort of his life.
The silence that follows is very marked
and feels like the silence that follows
when a lady hands you back your arm
that somehow tries to girdle her waist
La, Ia: hi no hum" says Art. with
bored look, toying with his hat, which
seems to say to Beauty:
Huh, woman: if you knew what know
about where Art can go RIGHT NOW and
just EAT mistletoe, then YOU'D wish
you hadn't been so frosty"
Have you seen the Saint Gaudens ex-
hibition?'' asks Art.
Indeed havel Isn't it just ripping?'
And the wonderful statue of Lincoln,
and the speaking bust of Sheridan. ana
the funny little plaques, and the Winged
Victory. and the gul-lorious figure OF
Roopo-
"Of what?' shippers Beauty, overawed.
''Of Roopo."
"Oh, dear me; must have missed it!'
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

tary a man who was having troubles of
his own to live upon his salary in Wash
ington-for he had no private means.
tation had made his little speech the
Secretary inquired:
How much does this man owe?"
"Over six thousand replied the spokes-
man.
"Whew" exclaimed the Secretary
That's heap more credit than ever I
could obtain in Washington" Then. after
some reflection. What do you people
want to have me do with this young
MANI
Force him to dig up said the spokes-
man.
Eyes. but how can I do that?" asked
the Secretary.
well, for one way, have the disbursing
clerk take so much off his salary each
half-month and have the amount distrib-
uted among us pro rata replied the
spokesman.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

ployes. They're telling a story about
well-to-do man, whose stay in the cabi-
net was brief. and a collector who be-
sieged him with medical bill against one
of the clerks in his Jurisdiction
The clerk. a cowed and shabby little
man, was hailed before this Secretary,
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

the old-time correspondents. Most OF
the strangers who visit the galleries In
high. not to say, hectic, anticipation OF
seeing and hearing great and maybe his
toric doings right while they're there come
away from the Capitol suffused and per-
meated and loaded with the very natural
impression that the Congress is the delio-
erativest little old outfit on earth You
see, they possess the notion. before they
see for themselves. that the nations leg
islators employ all of their legislating
hours in tearing large. Jagged holes in
the circumambient with perfervid ora
tory, tossing sparkling jewels of states
manlfke repartee back and forth, and
running around, kind O., in swirlful spell
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

dinner t'morrow?' inquired the philan-
thropist engaged in holding up the awning
pole. .
.Ah hain't got no wife yit, suh." re-
piled the black boy. grinning.
Huh? How'sh That? Amt got wife
fr Christmush?" inquired the reflective
one, sympathetically; N no kldshi , Sna ~
a man with no wife FIR Chrishmush.
SHAY. you go an buy y'rshelf wife fr
Chrishmush," and he unsteadily puileo d
hefty wad from one of the OUTSIDE pock
cts of his overcoat. skinned off the hrst
note that came to his hand, which hap
pened to be a five-spot and handed 1t 10
the darky boy Then the benevolent
souse pushed himself away from the avn
ing pole, majestically buttoned up MS
oyercoat to prove unto himself, and unto
ANYBODY else whom it might concern. that
he was absolutely and unqualifiedly sober.
and stepped high, If circuitousiy, In the
direction of Broadway, while the placK
how pulled a few buck and wing steps
in the middle OF the street and then beat
IL down the block like as If he INTENDED
to split the scenery.
A little earlier in the evening l espied
another well clad philanthroplst win MS
package at the corner of Broadway ana
nth street. In addition to his bun he
also was packing along with MIN
gigantic turkey. The turkey was siuns
over his right shoulder without any sort
of a wrapping on 1t, and the oniookers
had a chance to dope 1t out with reason
able correctness that the souse's hand-
some overcoat would look like much
mauled laprobe by the time he got tne
turkey home But he didn't get II nome
a vouneish chap in workman's clothes,
probably an apprentice, swung by. and.
observing the wobbly state OF the man
with the huge turkey. went up to him.
Hey, there, judge" said the young lei.
low in working togs. that benny O
yours IL look like a meat sign in gale
o. wind by tn time you gifts that toikey
to the fiat. Better blow y'rself to taxi
Want me Z give tn high sign fr one
FIR youse?'
The man with the turkey brought the
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

I1lS IL gums " pS
about some 1908
Christmas rummieS
/ have met.
+ h e Christmas
rummies still are
numerically strong
In New York. The
town teens with
persons addicted TO
the medieval no
ton that there's
no proper way to
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

cry few of the
numerous gentle
men who during the
past seven and odd
years have spent a
little while as MEM
berS of Mr.. Roose-
velt'S cabinet have
been willing to be
made mediums for
the collectors Of
bills against de-
partmental e m =
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26
lifted a collection of Chinese idols?"
And now we call him Little Klepto.


And now we call him Little Klepto."
Always am I reminded. on the twenty
fourth of December. of a Christmas eve
some years ago when newspaper man
fresh from New England was induced to
enter rumorium for the purpose of
being initiated into the mysteries of
eggnog, which delectable beverage had
never previously rolled over his tongue.
He partook and partook and kept par
looking, being delighted beyond measure
with the smooth taste of the stuff and
evidently considering it harmless, until
suddenly 1t came over him, as he leaned
against the wall in the last place Of re-
freShment and tried to count one little
elusive light, that he was the proud
possessor of a comprehensive and ornate
SouSe.
He was puzzled and became grave at
once.
Gosh he said at length, his brow
furrowed with the intense mental effort
required for consecutive thought. them
was the strongest eggs I ever ate"
X
Dear, dear says Aunt Jane, looking
up from the bed socks she is knitting for
me, Il wish I had more than one pair
of hands"
Hum say I, what would you do
with them?'
"oh. I'd do two things at once"
But where would you put 'em?'
"Oh. I'd just put em-say, on my shoul-
ders''
But then the elbows Of your extra
hands would get between your eyes and
your knitting
Q'm a practical man.
Yes, perhaps? Well, I'd put 'em be-
hind my back
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

across the hail. belonged to some royal
family or other, deed you would
Her husband. you know, Is only a
clerk in some real estate Office that no
body ever heard of, and he's head over
heels in debt to all the tradesmen In the
Observation-Disclosures L see them sticking
their bills in the Swingbys letter poH
every time I pass through the vestibule?
but she calls him real estate broker,
and she wears the nashiest clothes you
ever saw in all your born days, and goes
around swishing and swirling like comic
valentine on a Christmas tree. and
.Oh. yes IL was her Christmas shop
ping that ] wanted TO tell you about
/ met her downtown in one OF the de-
partment stores the other afternoon.
where l went to get some handkerchiels
for nv husbands relatives. l always
send EN- handkerchiefs, you know, ana
they're mighty lucky to get even hand
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

T would be pretty
hard to convince
the thousands of
tourists who drop
into the Capitol
galleries during the
sessions that Con-
gresS no longer is
a del i b e r a t ! v e
b o d " a 8 t h q
catchword of the
insurgents has it,"
observed one of
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

1n1patlence.
why, / have written poem!'
And then it was that I put on my coat
and took my stick and placed my hat
upon my head and made toward the door.
But / had not noticed that when I en-
tered he had locked the door and evil
IDENTITY swallowed the key.
Don't CO. don't go-listen.
And j had to listen
Its Christmas poem:
"Old Santa Claus has come again.
And gone again, see.
lie filled the socks on eighteen blocks,
And yet he sighted me.
isn't that CREATE" he cried.
"Oh, go on. go on" cried.
"Oh. there's lots more-all sorts. Just
listen:
Turkey and cranberries. hot mince pies
Mistletoe, mistletoe up to your eyes:
After the holidays then come the bills;
Yuletide and harmony, carols and frlils
And how's THAT?"
"ROTTEN!" declare.
You lie. Listen:
81 stood tiptoe upon little hill;
A holly berry tickled me. as holly berries Will
i struck that holly berry and it fell unto the
ground;
1t bounced into my pocket. and have 1t safe
and sound
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

Special Correspondence OF The Star
NEW YORK, Christmas Day. 1gS.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

he SURVEYED the young fellow in work.
mans dress with critical survey.
Don't know whether l want TINS
lobshter or not" he said musngIy mop
ping his forehead with a sleeve of ms
overcoat "Daggone nooshance, thash
what he ish. josh won him in a rafhe
Gosh me bout nineteen bucks L chuck
dicesh FIR him. Can shtake myself any
where T. a turkey FIR bout three bonesh
But look at the fun l had. Shay, BILL
you want thish here bird?''
well he wouldn't hurt me clothes as
much as he's damagn' yourn at that'
'Well, I'll tell you whash.'' said the
owner of the bird, thoughtfully You
femme hit you wish him an you can nave
him. Shee? That go?"
Sure thing, judge replled the youiis
chan. at amt toikey I'm thinkin' bout
so much as it is your roonin' that blanket
you got on. .s
fowl up with great difficulty and swung
II for the young fellows head. The lat
ter lodged. and after the possessor of the
benevolent bun had whirled around three
or four times with the momentum of the
swing he let go of the bird and the young
workman dexterously caught II
"He'sh yoursh,' said the benevolent
bun Turkey was a DANCED nooshance
t. me, anyway. Didn't want t go nome
wish it. Cause f went home l might
have L shtay there. She'd corral me. an
maybe she SuWipe III Siolhe'ii'
that 'ud be m finish. Amt goin' home,
now that I've dishposhed O. nooshance OF
a turkey Coin t have shome more
Chrishmush fun FIR mshef."
Then he zgzagged across Broadway'
miraculously lodging three or four whirl-
ing taxicabs, and disappeared in a plant
where the tom and jerry was all ready
and waiting.
At the corner of Broadway and 45th
street I came upon a Christmas rummy
who had the money burning habit. He
strolled up to Greek who had couple
of dozen toy balloons slung from band
around his arm. The money burner stood
off and surveyed these toy balloons as If
he had never seen anything of the kind
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

ONE folks would
just shrivel up and
blow away If they
didn't put on Tugs.
morning, noon and
night, obse r " e d
Mrs. Bangsmith to
her caller. why,
you'd think. 10
hear her tell 1t and
see her act 1t, that
that s W ! n g b y
woman, in the fiat
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26
Ell L." s ali m y

- - -, 90 -
friend. the Appren-
ticed Lunatic, look
ing at me with a
glance that / had
not seen before.
We'll" 1 said to
him.
YOU know" he
said, still working
his orbs at me.
"Know what" I
asked with some
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

"How's that?"
And if there were bigger type than was
used In the last rotten" I'd use it, But
wait; he looked at me again with the
look of a dying fawn. as he shaking!y
produced MSS. from his bosom and read
it:
'Und now ii ISIS der Christmastide.
A choyful leedle time:
Der hoet sings-dOt's all. he sings
Und singing amt no crime
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

The man with the turkey brought the
noble bird around in front of him and per-
mitted it to rest on the sidewalk. linen
The champion. (Arcadia, Fla.) 1895-1911, 1908-10-08
Special Features

THR CnAMp1oN Is proud to call the
attention Of its readers this week to a
number OF special features in our paper
that are well worthy of special mention.
Twelve pages this week. We hope
and expect that this Is regular
feature OF our paper from now on. The
increase In advertising and subscriptions
for the past two months have been most
gratifying. aad We feel that We are IN
duty bound to give both readers and
advertisers the advantage Of having both
the largest and best paper in this section
of Florida. There is nothing too good
for CHAMPION readers.
Satan Sanderson this week This is
one OF the very best and most interesting
stores we have ever had We can recon-
mend 1t to our readers in the highest
terms. In installments, will last about
twelve weeks.
A Department. for Women, This is
prepared by women for women and Will
be found Of particular interest to readers
Of the gentler sex. II our readers seem
to appreciate this departments 1t will be
made permanent feature.
And last, but most important, all the
local happenings OF Arcadia and DeSoto
County given in the most readable form
! ..,,;,< tbev are fresh and are news Our