Bismarck daily tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1881-1916, 1908-08-09
GOOD GOVERNMENT
BY J. G. Knauss

| We have observed from the news
papers, and had it shot into our Har-
veyized Uranium from other sources,
that there are a great many things
wrong about our national, state, coun-
ty and municipal governments. We
will admit that some governments
are not run exactly in accord with
our own admirable ideas, and so we
started an investigation, entirely at
our own expense, to see if perchance
the Lord willing-we could discover
the cause of all the wickedness and
suggest a remedy therefor, so that
our fame would go laundering down
the ages like carload of potatoes
down subway :# ~ S.. x
! There is a classical book in exist
,ence, sometimes used by preachers to
fill upta sermon, which says that "a
i good tree bringeth forth good fruit
depending, of course, on the season.,
and a bad tree bringeth forth Demo
Gratis" Men do not gather water
melons from an oyster nor cucum-
bers from a mulberry bush' We are
quoting entirely from memory, but as
it has only been about forty years
since we read it, we believe it is cor
rect. However, if there should be
mistake we would be pleased to have
any good brother in the audience
arise and set us right. %,.S
1t will therefore, be obvious to all
thinkers, non-thinkers, insane persons
and heathens, both colored and black
that if a government isn't good, then
the people must have slight touch
of dry rot, lump-jaw or genealogical
! paralysis Of the left lobe of their
| derby.
IT the government is good, then the
people must be good and on the 9TH
er hand, if the government is bad,
the people alone are responsible, for
citizens, being endowed with the
elective franchise can say by their
votes what they will have.
In skirmishing around and walking
up and down the earth, we found that
in every little village and hamlet
throughout the country there were
one or more churches with large CON
gregations of church members, and
that the total aggregation Of these
amounted to several millions. AS
these church members seemed to be
in the ascendency, and were all ap-
parently good people, we wondered
how it was that either the national or
local governments could be bad. 81
Working along these lines, we Sc
cured, after indefatigible labor and I'M
told suspense, a few specimens of
church members, selected at random,
and took them to our laboratory
where We could observe them under
our microscope, which magnifies two
million diameters ~S
We found that their habits and dis
positions a(no examination made on
Sundays, were just as we had sur
missed before. They never smoked or
cheWed tobacco to excess. and a few
escheWed cigarettes, preferring ci-
CARS. Some of them would not even
cheat at game of cards, and very
few OF them drank Intoxicating liqu-
ors in unusual quantities. We found
some who never swore except when
putting up stovepipe, or when the COW
kicked the pail over, and on other
special occasions that seemed pecu-
liarly appropriate. They never stole
anything in the presence of the sher.
| III, and never cheated in a horse
trade If the defects of their horse
were visible to the naked eye at the
three-mile range. None seemd to
have more than one wife because, as.
we understand, there is some old
statute not yet outlawed, which does
not make 1t compulsory to have two.
Taking it all in ALL and up one side
| and down the other, we considered
these church people very good indeed. /
| Their thoughts and aspirations seem
ed to be just as high as those OF the
| rest OF humanity, and their daily hab-
Its and business methods were fully
/ up to modern standards. Their indus
TRY and economy could not be exceIl-
ed. # any member was in possession
of large amount of cash. he at once
! place it in the savings bank paying
the highest rate Of interest, and if
there was a church building to be
erected. he went to the bad people
outside the church, and to politicians,
and solicited their aid in the worthy
cause, thus compelling the dell, SO to
speak,, to give up his i1l-gotten and
tainted wealth. Their power for good