Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-27
NUTTY FOLK BLOW IN
tuberculosis Congress Draws
FI0ckS of EN-.
EVERY ONE HAS ONLY CURE
Himmel! Wiener Schnitzel Is So
Dangerous.
THAT PENDULAT0RY THEORY
Last But Not Least Is the Fancy
Faker With His Conversation
and His Cigars.

Faker With His Conversation
and His Cigars.
Over on Third avenue in New York they
would say that the nuts are beginning to
arrive. BY nut is meant one of those
humans whose brain is so deranged by
the constant friction of one freak idea
that he is a pest. And the nuts are be-
ginning to arrive in Washington, attract
cd like moths to the flame of the inter-
national congress on tuberculosis They
flock to the congress in droves. with long
hair and longer manuscripts, with odd-cut
clothes and prehistoric hats and bullying
foreheads. They all have the one and
only cure for tuberculosis. Each and ev-
cry one has discovered the reason why
the human race is such a weak lot any
how, and each and every one demands,
nay DEMANDS, that he be allowed to sit
on the platform beside Secretary Cortel-
you and spout for hours.
Oof! What Name It Is!
There is Herr Ungerbottz of Lausgaben
on Schlitzen, who knocked on the door
airy with a thing under his arm that look
ed like a roll of carpet. He wanted to
see Dr. Fulton. The rough low-brow of
the museum building told him to beat it
and he debut he has been hanging
round ever since. That roll of carpet
thing Is his manuscript He unrolls it
every time any one gets near him and
pearance. Nearly every one things Unger-
bottz Is an exhibit. There are SO many
exhibits which show how much consump-
ton one can get If one does not battle
that Ungy is mistaken for the first part
of a before and after bathing" tableau.
And what Is the subject Of his manu-
script? Oh. merely a little monograph
of 5000 words on the subject of Pre-
cautionary Sanitary Legislation Against
the Too Frequent Occurrence of the APP
pearance of Red-Headed Bacilli in the
Common or Garden Wiener SchnitZell
Culled and Gathered from Many Years Ex-
perience in the delicatessen Store of So
phie Blotz & Son at Hammelschalgger
am Zittzken."
Beware a Schnitzel!
Zach, such a dangerous menace. dot
schnitzel! Und hat l not taken somples
of schnitzel der best families of Deutsch-
land from, under der red-headed bacilli
in effery one. You see der pigs should go
by lungensanatorium, SO der tripe ISIS
made hospitalled, und-"
But by that time he is speaking to the
pictures on the wall.
Then there is Theosophicus Hartley
Smith. the man with the pendulatory
theory. Smith is from the effete down
east section, where theories and cures
and learning grow like cranberries (and
cranberries do grow down there).
Smith has little exhibit of his own. and
although Dr. Boyer smiled and smiled
and smiled and greeted him gently he
really could not find space for the great
pendulatory side show. Smith says that
the only way to drive the tubercles from
the human frame Is to hull them to sleep
And how is this done? Why, by no other
method than by rocking them to and fro.
So Smith gets up on horizontal bar and
hangs by his toes. and swings back and
forth for hours, his mouth open and his
arms crossed.
''See." he says, with the mouth open
the sleeping bacilli fall out. Swing by
your toes. Become a pendulum. Who
ever heard of wild monkey with tuber-
cles. and do not they swing upside down
half the time? Back to primitive nature
and give the ha-ha, the scientific ha-ha,
to the demon tubercle.'
Taxicows Now-Whee-E-E!
And the cattlemen. They are there in
droves. Each one has a worse one than
his neighbor, and that is saying a lot.
There is the man who has discovered
that cows should eat oyster shells, and
the man who believes that every COW
should be equipped with a taximeter at
tachment on the ear, which will flop up
when the animal becomes infected and
register ION the blink There is the fell
low whose farm has produced more milk
from cows who feed on the south side of
a pine scrub hill than any other farm in
the county, gosh. There is the gentle
man who believes that tuberculosis in
hoe a1a tod 1trC 4 b1
dear things photographs of what will hap
pen to them If they catch 1t, and hun
dred more nuts from the same ward.
There is the broad-toed female. who is
OIL the job with her anti-tight-lacing
theory. She could not lace tight to save
her life. because the laces are not made
long enough. There is the woman who
has appeared at every International con-
greSs on every subject that has been held
since 1864. and yet they will not let her
read her paper on How Bad Boy Who
Stayed Out Late Catching Toads Caught
Cold and Died.
get In the papers. See him now as he
struts about the halls of the museum
smoking cigars and letting two or three
peep from his upper vest pocket, as if
TO say Catch me. Oh. catch me. news
paper reporter. I am meant for you-but
l come high. / am worth column a
puff.
See him as he says: 'Hither, scribe"
Pipe the Patent Faker.
See him as he says: Il have just come
down to the congress to look over the
more recent advances III science. OF
course, every one in Bingtown knows.me
Yes! Yes.! Largest clientele in the
county. Eminent physician. Listen now,
old man, / know where nice little drink
is waiting for you and me- and so on and
so on and so on. He Is a wonderful
man. effects wonderful cures Splendid
story for the paper Just what the
paper wants. Above all, do not forget
my dear fellow-do not forget to say
that while l am in Washington I will
accept a few cases at reduced rates.
Here is my picture
Yes, see him,
See him when the paper comes out and
he prepares to purchase a bale of them
and finds that in the column called per
sonal notes he is placed on the last line
among those who registered today"
Ach. see him.!
Ill p0VnC ANN NEApnv iii