The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1908-05-17
If Any Nation Ever Licked
Us, the Name Escapes Me-"
Says the Hotel Clerk
BY IRWIN s. COBB.


terling supper or a crap game. ruin and
ravage Will assuredly await the water
melon orchard of Georgia, the fried
chicken plantation of Kentucky and
the pork chop ranges of sunny Illinois,
while from the steps of the capitol a
conquered nation may yet hear ringing
out the national hymn of the victorious
foes. entitled My Voodoo Lulu
Il have no doubt you are one of
those who think our standing army is
amply large. especially as no theatre
manager ever seems able to find a seat
for a nOn-com. in uniform. You see
trainload after trainload of gallant
shipping clerks and ribbon statesmen
going to camp laden with their
mosquito nets, their mandolins, their
bull terriers and other military sup
plies, and you think we have enough
national guardsmen TO police every au-
tomobile course in this fair land. and
still h>ye a few left over for hop nights
at the summer hotels But you're
wrong. And as for our navy, the less
said the better. If we but knew the
truth, as a lot of the magazine edi-
tors know il, we would cease to be
proud Of those floating hospitals of de-
crepit RATS, whose hOspitable crews
were lately entertaining the thrifty
citizens of Open-hearted Los Angeles
by paying them seventy-five cents
bottle for beer. If you still cherish the
fond delusiOn that Bob Evans flotilla
of invalid soup tureens would have any
chance against the navy of Switzerland
or Zambesiland, you've only TO read the
remarks that were made recently by
Congressman r. p. HobsOn, the orig
inal sOul-HsseT, in demanding a larger
fleet
THE president has felt very strongly
about the matter, too, ever since the
fleet passed Oyster Bay in review last
summer, with their flags waving dada
and the youngest male Roosevelt sat on
the front porch clutching his pet griz-
ely cub in his young arms and cried
aloud because there wasn't a Dread
naught in the whole lot of them. The
members of congress representing the
Pennsylvania localities that produce
armor-plate, are heartily with him in
his endeavors to build up a fleet that
will make Boston feel easy in its own
mind. but apathy develops elsewhere.
\ bright young congressman from the
smelling regions. where the smelts
come from, rises up TO make an elo-
quent appeal for more ships, but he is
rudely interrupted by a member from
Oklahoma, where the only foreign in
Vaders they fear is the boil weevil or
the white Republicans. The Oklahoma
member is of the opinion that the navy
can wait. But how about that eighty
thousand for new cOrnice on the Gus
tom house at Kingfisher? And a men,
Der from Iowa would also like TO know
what about that measly half million for
a survey of Skunk river? So they trim
down the ba1leship appropriation I'M
til tits hardly visible TO the naked eye.
And there you are! 1t would be a ter
rible thing if, in our defenseless state,
we should arouse the ire of Great Brit
ain. The only thing that consoles me
is that nobody ever seems able to
arouse the ire of Great Britain, unless
it's a small. friendless bunch, such as
the Zulus or Beers"
7 amt goin' to git skeered yet" said
the House Detective. There may have
been somebody that's licked us from
time to time, but if so, the name
escapes me for the moment"
me. too" said the Hotel Clerk. And
sometimes il also seems to me that the
modern battleships' are grand things so
long as You keep them on dry land. The
action of salt water appears to have
bad effect on them. Wasn't il Just the
other day that one of those fragile
grain elevators that the English call a
battleship bumped into a passenger
vessel, and went down like a quinine
life that would ensue among His
Majesty's sailors if their Dreadnaught
ever got run into by one of our Staten
Island ferry boats.
NO, Larry, unprotected and naked
though we be, l have hopes that Wen
struggle along for some time yet before
we get licked by ROumania or Dutch
Guiana. IL actually seems to me our
friends, the Japs, have taken in some
few reefs since that OStenSible fleet of
ours began to edge over toward their
side. In fact, I don't know of but one
heavy reverse the American nation has
suffered lately"
''Wot wuz that?" asked the House
Detective.
Twas administered by William
Waldorf AstOr," said the Hotel Clerk.
you know Astor-he's the man who's
sorry he was born in this country, but
not as sorry as the country is. Well,
by a great display of daring, he cap
tured the battleflag of the Chesapeake
at an auction, and gave it TO a British
society"
You wouldn't call that guy an
American. would you?" asked the
House Detective.
No" said the Hotel Clerk, but I'd
gladly call him nearly anything else"