Willmar tribune. [volume] (Willmar, Minn.) 1895-1931, 1908-12-02
ASmoked Ham Diet,

OBSERVATION-DISCLOSURES ~SS~~<~$%~<~~~~~<SA
copyright. 1905. by 7. {. McClure.l
Bill Scott, as he was Familiarity call
ed, was lazy and shiftless
Like all lazy men, Bill Scott had an
appetite. His appetite also had pref
erence. He loved oysters. chicken.
porterhouse steak and clam chowder,
but what he loved above all was smok-
ed ham. He liked it fried or boiled or
baked, and he could never get enough
Of it. The only way he could get ham
was to steal it, and many Of the VII
layers and farmers objected to his
midnight visits to their smokehOuses.
Among the DIRECTORS was the Widow
Glenn, who had farm mile away.
She was also one Of those interested
In seeking to save Bill from himself.
Perhaps she was the only woman In
the world who would have thought Of
combining ham with reform The idea
came to her in dim, underlined way,
but she kept at it until she worked it
out. One day after being told by her
hired man that he had seen Bill Scott
SCOUTING about the smokehouse the
evening previous she entered into a
little conspiracy. The door was left
unlocked, the hired man hidden near
by, and next night as Bill was taking
ham off its roost the door was slam
med shut, and he found himself a
prisoner. When morning came the
widow drove to town to see Mrs.
Glenn, and upon her return she Wis
tied the house of hams and said to the
captive:
"Of course you have nothing to say,
except that you We're walking in your
sleep last night, but now that you are
wide awake have something to say to
you. You like smoked ham. / am 60
ing to give you all you want Of it.
Today you will eat it uncooked. To-
morrow you shall have it fried
A chair and jug of water were
brought in he was furnished with a
knife and the door locked on him. and
he proceeded to enjoy himself He ate
and he loafed and he slept. There
were twenty smoked hams hanging
! above him and giving out their de-
licious odor, and why should he weary
his brain trying to solve national prob
lens? He didn't. Next morning the
widow appeared and asked him how
he would like his ham cooked for
breakfast. He said he would take it
fried. and he got it that way and a
| jug Of fresh water with it. At noon
he had it boiled. and at night it was
fried again. The amount was not
stinted. There was more ham than he
had ever sat down to in his life. The
next day and the next it was the same.
On the morning Of the fourth day. how
ever. the prisoner said to his jailer:
"Widder Glenn, If you don't mind
I'll have taters and fried eggs for
breakfast"
But l do mind.'' was her reply.
Here are twenty smoked hams going
to waste for the want Of eating. You
dote on ham. Pitch right in."
"But my wife must be anxious about
me, and want to be going home"
"Your wife knows just where you
are and is not at all worried. She
hopes you will have your fill Of ham,
Bill had raw ham. boiled ham. baked
and fried ham, and he should have
reveled in the occasion. 1t is human
nature to never be satisfied, and after
the fifth day he demanded radical
change Of diet. even If only to raw
sausage. He had not tasted Of the last
two meals.
"Oh, but you must 60 ahead with
ham," replied the widow. you have
not quite finished one yet. and there
are nineteen others waiting to be eat
en-. Your second appetite may come
back to you any minute"
"1'd like to live on old crusts of
bread for change, ma'am."
"Rut couldn't think Of it. You are
a visitor. you know. and should be
ashamed Of myself to offer you crusts. -
At supper that night Bill begged for
raw turnips instead Of smoked ham.
At breakfast next morning he offered
to eat potato Feelings. The widow
was firm.
"Mr. Scott" she replied. II don't
think you are at all grateful. am
furnishing you the incest and sweet
est smoked ham in all Herkimer coun.
ty, and yet you kick at it,
"Hut smoked ham for five days,
ma'am." he protested.
"But I'm giving you the chance Of
your lifetime. Think of being sur.
rounded with eighteen and a half
hams!'
'Hams and water. ma'am"
eyes. but I'm giving you a chance to
get acquainted with water-to acquire
a taste for it."
Ham on the sixth day. the seventh
and the eighth. The widow was bring.
ing more ham when Bill Scott broke
down and said:
"1'll sign the temperance pledge,
ma'am, and if I don't keep it this time
may be sent to prison for the re-
mainder of my days"
"And about peoples chickens and
garden stuff. Mr.. Scott?"
"May be struck dead if ever med
die with them again.
"And work, Mr.. Scott-what about
work."
} "1'n work like a niger. Only try
me-"
"Yon havo onlv haon oDu+ ~, oirh,