The Birmingham age-herald., 1908-05-14
WILLIE.

Labels, mostly.
 WILLIE
 So much he loved his little sis
 Ter, Willie one day tool. her And put her on the kitchen stove
 To see if he could cook her.
 A SORE TOPIC.
 ''I take it that you are married man." Well, you needn't take it either way. Just let the subject drop!"
 REPLIES.
 Nothing works harder than idle curi- osty.
 Everybody seems to feel sorry for a man who has never been kissed.
 A bachelor is a poor judge of babies, but what could you expect?
 If there was only one man in the demo- cratic party he would probably quarrel with himself.
 The Philander Knox presidential boom is a well-behaved boom. It doesn't inter- rupt anybody's conversation.
 Of course, Prince Helie will not stop at little thing like changing his creed if he can thereby annex a meal ticket. When an office seeker once becomes an ofsiceholder, he can't be prized loose with a crowbar
 The man who hates gossip goes home at night and asks his wife about all the neighbors.
 Perhaps it will be possible some day for a man to take drink over the tele- phone. PAUL COOK, ticket on which you shall be the presi- dent of the University of Alabama and I shall be the professor of philosophy. The difficulty in the way. however, is that In educa tional matters in Alabama, in order to be president of a university you must first bring each member of the board of directors under a solemn obligation that the president shall dictate in per petuam." Now, when I was somewhat in doubt as to the meaning of my friend Dickinson as to fin per petuam,' I asked him if that was the English for forever" and he said, "Ah, no, my English ass; that sim ply means as long as the present president lives;' and l opened my eyes wide and said: My friend, you don't tell me?' Now, when the present incumbent of this exalted position turns toes to the dai- sies,' then the people of Alabama will be free to choose both the president and pro- fessors.
 It reminds me of the old story. in Virginia, when man turned down a good three finger" drink and said, I'll be d., if this don't beat anything l ever had" All of which means, in my vernacular, that I think it's about time that the affairs of the University of Alabama were turned back to the peo- pie, because Carlysle said long ago, that the British empire had 45,0O0,0 900, mostly fools, and America has near on to 90,000000 and when you begin to specialize, you can find the most ris- tingu1shed brands of asses in America that you can find anywhere else in the world, which is a much kinder phrase than Carlysle used in describing his own countrymen All of which means that either my friend Dr. Phillips or pr. A. J. Dickinson is well prepared for the position of professor of philosophy in the University of Alabama.
 pr. Phillips, I do not wish to see leave Birmingham, for the reasons that l have given. pr. A. J. Sickinson is not worth much except in the Univer- sity of Alabama. Therefore, I wart him to go. The Alabama method of doing business in educa tional things is so abominable that any change would be desirable.
 When president of a university dictates to a board of directors that he shall have the right in per petua:n which, according to my friend Dickin- son, means as long as the present pres- ident lives, to say who shall be pro- lessor in an institution that institution is damned then and there.
 The University of Virginia. not long since, found itself doomed by fossil ized intelligence until a new president came to preside over an institution that had been a benediction, and will be a great blessing to human kind, and if l mistake not, in the words of Miss Matte Ould, Alabama will not be Ib- erated until nails like talons inches long shall cease to grasp at what might have been.'"
 I forbear to publish the letter of pat ronage and condescension dated May T, and received by the Rev. A. J. Dick inson from the president of the Uni versity of Alabama, and handed me to- day, which, to take a rema rkable paragraph from the learned president of the State University, to the Rev. A. J. Dickinson, reads as follows
 T am taking this position reluctant ly, and with the highest appreciation and admiration for you as man and preacher. In my opinion, you have not had the necessary preparation and experience for the work under consd- eration, and for that reason I cannot offer you encouragement"
 All of which means, according to my favorite dictum, Oigarchy, but, ac- cording to my friend Dickinson, mon archy, against which I protest that the entire board of directors could not thus be dominated by one educational king and, if the reader will scruti- nize the above paragraph, he will at least find that egoism does not always mean egotism. "Egoism' means Me and mine for all time, no matter what parties may come into power," but "Egotism' means that you and I may hold on until tomorrow unless soma bigger ass butts in"
 JOHN w. STAGG.
 Birmingham, May IS, 1908.