davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Sauk Centre herald., 1908-07-09
LARGE Contract.

what are you going to do now,
Colonel?" inquired the intimate friend.
81 expect to spend the rem Ainder
of my days." said the retired states
man, "living down the lies that have
been published about me in fourteen
political campaigns"
The Sauk Centre herald., 1908-07-09
New Oceupstion.

II don't see your name in the mag.
axine any more"
mo. All my time is occupied in
writing unpublished poems of Burns.
Byron and the rest of them, and pos
thumous novels of a dozen authors
who died without permission of their
publishers"
The Jasper news., 1908-10-08

like roast on John d. Rockefeller,
and the delicate blossoms of the sauer.
kraut were all shriveled up, and
tasted like the Ohio river near Park
ersburg.
In the meantime, Bunch, the mosqui.
toes are having the time Of their lives.
They thought we were giving a
Mardi Gras for their benefit, 80 they
sent out invitations to all their friends,
with the result that our little family
lost more blood than is spilled in a
South American revolution.
Peaches has abandoned the kero-
sene idea, and is now fumigating the
house with something which falls on
the insulted nose like hard slap on
the face. SO I am writing this letter
out in the barn.
My theory about the mosquito is
that he has humanity stung, going
and coming.
Yours done in oil, JOHN.
Copyright, 1908. by G. w. Dillingham; Co. }
The Jasper news., 1908-10-08

the right way. to apply Kerosene of
was to put 1t in Nprinkling can, then
dash up behind the enemy and
sprinkle them on the lumbar region.
To see Peaches chasing bevy Of
mosquitoes around the parlor with fire
In her eyes, a carpet-sweeper in her
left hand and sprinkling can full Of
kerosene oil in her right hand was a
sight such as these eyes Of mine never
before beheld.
II the fire from her eyes had ever
reached the kerosene-holy smoke!
On the level, Bunch, If there was
any place in our house which Peaches
didn't sprinkle with kerosene it must
have been a few Of my collars and
cuffs which hadn't come from the
laundry yet.
For two days, Bunch, it rained kero.
sene in our household.
FOR breakfast the toast was scented
with kerosene, and it floated like a
rainbow on top of the cuffee.
For luncheon the Goldfish cakes be.
haved like leaky lamp, and the
shredded onions lost all their cour.
age and wanted to leave the room.
For dinner the corn beef looked
The Jasper news., 1908-10-08
splrltualistic Friend Failed to Keep
His Appointment.

A Cleveland man sentenced to be
electrocuted on murder charge was
strong believer in spiritualism.
Whenever he talked with his lawyer
he was either abusing him for not
getting him acquitted or else arguing
with him about spiritualism.
The lawyer never had believed in
spiritualism, but he was open to con-
yiction. The day before his client was
to go to the death chair the lawyer
made proposition to him: by this
time tomorrow" he said. you will
Eave crossed the mysterious river
You say 1t is possible for spirits to re.
turn. II you think you're SO smart,
Just return and then I'll be con.
yinced."
The client was atmatter of fact sort
Of man. He readily agreed to the
lawyers plan. IF there is any way
can appear to you." he said. you can
bet your neck I'll do It,. II I'm not on
hand at the appointed time you can
The Jasper news., 1908-10-08
POINTED PARAGRAPHS.
[From the Chicago News.

ltTOm the chicago NeWS.J
The bare idea of getting bald Is dis.
tasteful to any man.
Bachelor girls are spinsters who are
not willing to admit 1t.
, Between two gratis a politician IL
apt to make a play for both.
A safe racetrack is one you didn't
get there in time to make.
It's a pity an actress can't elevate
the stage as easily as she can her
eyebrows.
p. Some men get married for the pur
pose of having some one to drive them
to drink.
Nothing dulls the point Of a Joke
like having to listen to 1t when you
were going to tell 1t.
When the average man gives dol.
lar to some charity he manages to get
caught in the act.
Learn to hide your aches and pains
under a smile. The world has many
troubles of it's own.
II you really want to do some good
as a reformer, figure out how much
time you waste every day, then get
busy.
A meeting of creditors is seldom for
the purpose of expressing confidence
in the man who can't pay ten cents
on the dollar.
The Jasper news., 1908-10-08
JOF IN HEhlp1
ON
GASOLINE
KEROSENE

1 don't wish to discourage you,
Bunch, but II you have a bundle Of
spare coin, why don't; you invest it in
building lot in the suburbs?--a lot
which runs not backwards or for
wards, and which bites not like an ad-
der nor stingeth like serpent, and
upon which no coroner can sit. for any
length of time without getting the
lumbago. a..
Speaking of gasoline naturally
brings us to kerosene.
We have been getting along nicely
out here in the country, with the pos
sible exception that Peaches has tried
to assassinate all the mosquitoes in
the neighborhood with almost fatal
results to herself.
Peaches seems to have labored
under the impression that the proper
way to assassinate mosquito is to
throw a bomb at it and then cross the
fingers and hope for the best.
At any rate, she read somewhere in
a book that the kindest way to as
sassinate the mosquito is to coax
a bunch Of them up in the corner and
throw vitriol in their faces, which gen.
orally causes them to be ashamed of
themselves and makes them lead less
bloodthirsty lives.
4 Well; Peaches tried this idea, but 1t
30 happened that my best pair of trou-
sers were hanging in the same cor
ner which. she picked out to work her
third degree on the skeets, with the re-.
suit that my trousers departed this
world in great haste, while the mosqui-
toes put their stingers up their sleeves
and ran away, laughing wildly.
Then took Peaches out in vacant
lot, far from the bosom of her fam
lily, and explained to her the scientific
difference between mosquitoes and a
paid Of nine.dollar trousers, to all Of
which she listened with much pa
tience, except when swore too loud.
But she was not discouraged-nay!
The next day she read in paper
that kerosene oil was the only genu-
Inc and reliable way to overcome the
mosquito, so she went after them by
the oil route. $3.50.
The article in the paper didn't give
full instructions how to use the kero-
The Jasper news., 1908-10-08
BIG BALLOON HOUSE
BEING BUILT ENTIRELY OF
STEEL AT FIT. OMAHA, NEB.
Government to Garry on Experiments
In Aerial Navisation--First struc-
ture of Its Kind Ever
Erected In Country.

Omaha, Neb.-This city has the first
steel balloon house ever erected. 1t
Is being built by the United States
government in order that balloon ex.
periments may be carried on extern
sively at Fort Omaha, which is strict
ly signal station.
This monster building is going to
cost the government $4,000. 1t: il
erected by Minneapolis company,
and as it is the first steel balloon
house ever built, is something in the
nature of an experiment, there being
absolutely no precedent to follow.
1t is entirely of STEEL Not an atom
of VIC ID is in the building. Even the
window castings are of steel. There
are nearly 800 tons of steel in this
monster balloon house, which is 200
feet long. 80 feet wide and rs feet
high. Being altogether a new style
of architecture and the first Of the
kind ever erected, it is something of
a responsibility. .
1t is what is known as the :"Church
truss" building, having an angular top
with circular lower cord. From the
spring line Of the lower. cord to the
ridge of the truss is 81 feet. One Of
the special features Of the. balloon
house Is the size of the doors. There
is but one entrance, facing the north.
The doors to the entrance are man.
moth affairs, being rs feet high and
weighing IA tons. Yet so delicately
balanced are they that one man can
move them. They are to be opened
and shut by means Of lever, which
can be operated by one hand, These
doors follow the truss slides in shape.
The steel was brought to, the fort
in sections, held together by. $4,000
steelrivets. The skeleton of the building
is to be covered with sheets of CORFU
gated iron, which have new. mode Of
fastening. The usual method is that
The Jasper news., 1908-10-08
The Automobile Face.


sene, SO Peaches thought it all out
for awhile, and then she poured about
half gallon of oil in the bathtub
and waited.
think she expected the mosquitoes
to walk into the bathroom. undress,
grab the soap and plunge into the
kerosene oil, where they would perish
miserably without even getting q
chance to throw up the sponge.
But none Of the mosquitoes in our
house felt that 1t was necessary to
take a bath, 30 that scheme failed,
while worse and more ravenous and
more pitiless grew the hunger of the
pests which were using us for meal
ticket.
Then somebody told Peaches that
The Jasper news., 1908-10-08
woman's Suspicious Retlcence.

Are women beginning to talk less
in the hope of thus better pleasing
men? If 80, while commencing the
motive, we would unhesitatingly ques-
ton the method. The mere music Of
their voices as contrasted with the
raucous male note easily counterbal-
ances any possible disparity in the
ideas expressed. Upon all grounds we
cry out for loosening Of the delicate
tongues now so strangely and so sus-
piciously stilled.-North American Re-
view.
The Jasper news., 1908-10-08
Thrift In Children.

Some day the plan Of providing for
children by starting a bank account
for each baby at birth and adding to
it on each birthday will become gener-
al, and there will be hope of foster
ing thrift in growing children. The
possession Of bank book which they
cannot wholly own till legally free
from the guidance of parents is often
a matter of pride which prompts saw
ing. Everybody knows how hard 1t is
to save the first hundred dollars, and
how much the difficulty lessons with
every addition to that.
The Jasper news., 1908-10-08

Dear. Bunch: In Paris. Ell? Give
my regards to the Moulin Rouge,
won't you?
I'notice what you say in your letter
about buying couple Of French auto
mobiles in Paris, one of the same be-
ing for me.
I'm glad to see you have such a
sweet disposition, Bunch, but nix on
the Bubble.
Not for yours hastily.
I've caught all the diseases to date
except the automobllious fever.
While walking around the city
streets have been making a deep
study Of whiz wagons, Bunch, but 30
close was the machinery to my out
posts at the time and so eager was /
to get out of the way that perhaps
I am prejudiced.
The automobile Is the rich mans
wine and the poor mans chaser.
It keeps our streets full of red,
white and blue streaks all the livelong
The Jasper news., 1908-10-08
The Balloon House.

Of purlin nails; but the Omaha build
Ing is put together by means of 120,-
900 Norway iron rivets.
The men who catch the rivets have
a hazardous job. Far aloft one of the
workmen heats these rivets to white
heat in a forge on platform. When
1t is heated he shouts to the riveting
crew and selling the hot rivet in a
pair Of tongs sends it hurting through
the air all the way from ten to forty
feet. One of the riveting crew catches
1t in a bucket. To catch a white hot
rivet is not exactly like catching a
baseball. If the catcher misses 1t
means a severe burn for someone.
The method of construction makes
1t practically impossible for the build
ing to be torn loose. Even the window
cases are to be of steel and the en-
tire affair is fireproof. There is con-
tinuous anchorage from the concrete
piers, which go seven feet below
grade, to the spring line of the lower
are IA feet apart on either side of the
building. The rear of the building is
anchored similarly.
On either side of the front is a high
tower which carries the doors. These
towers are 81 feet high. The total
weight of the building is 1926 tons.
There are three parts to the building
the central part, which is to hold big
balloons, which have already arrived
at the fort, and shed on each side
for storage purposes.
The hydrogen gas .house is at the
right of the balloon house and will
be ready for work In Septem.
Der, when the experiments with the
balloons will really begin. There will
be at least two balloons, a dirigible
and a spherical captive balloon. The
government intends to spend any
amount of money on these expert
ments, this being the first steel balloon
house owned by the government.
The Jasper news., 1908-10-08
Nor a Hospital.

Talking Of our British cousins?" In
Quired e. Black Ryan. tax attorney Of
the Southern Pacific. We'll, heard
one the other day. Big fat Britisher
showed into one of those compart-
ments at the last moment. There was
an American in there reading his
newspaper.
cts so miles to my station re-
marked the Englishman, and say,
old chap, Tn treating myself for
wounded foot, and say. If you don't
mino, I'll put some CT this iodoform
on ay ankle, Beastly smelling stun
Go ahead said the American. But
when he got the full odor of 1t, he
showed up window. pulled out q
cigar and lighted 1t. and began puffing
away vigorously.
Here, here. my good fellow pro-
tested the Englishman, this is NO
smoking compartment 's-san Fran.
cisco Chronicle.
The Jasper news., 1908-10-08
NOT YET A BELIEVER

just make up your mind it's because
there's nothing in spiritualism. But
I'll come around all right
The two decided on time and
place for the meeting.
II broke another engagement in Or
der to be there" said the lawyer in
telling of the experiment, "and waited
around for more than an hour on the
fellow, but the cuss never showed up"
New York Press.
The Jasper news., 1908-10-08
To Silver Horn.

The horn perfectly freed from oil is
painted with saturated solution OF
gallic acid and then with solution of
20 parts of nitrate of silver In 100
parts of water Repeat the coatings
alternately until the black color is re-
placed by slight silver tint. then
paint once more with the silver solu.
ton. Rubbing down with cream OF
tartar solution completes the silver.
Ing.
The Jasper news., 1908-10-08
So Close Was the Machinery.


day, and II the weary pedestrian is
not supplied with ball-bearing neck
his chance of getting home is null and
void.
AS far as l can figure it out, the
safest part Of the machine Is the chauf-
feur, because he knows which way to
Jump.
Oh! how / admire those chauffeurs
who point the machine at you and
dare you to get out of the way.
We have no word In the English Ian
guage which Is brash enough to sit on
q busy barouche and cut loose.
That's why we had to reach over
to Paris and pull word out of the
French.
Chauffeur is the word we grabbed,
and think we ought to give 1t back
at the first opportunity.
Did you ever notice one Of those
particular guys when they try to say
chauffeur?
His mouth looks like hot waffle.
The first careless cart we ever had
in this country was called the Cor
oner's Delight" because the only man
that met it on the road went back
home In sections, and, incidentally, on
a shutter.
The motto Of tho automobile is:
Bump others, or they will bump
you!"
And the automobile face! Can you
tie It?
The automobile face is caused by
the fact that faces can't ride as fast
as machinery; consequently, the mus
cles between the lips and the mouth
become overturned and lose their cum.
ming.
II you wish to buy an automobile for
yourself and become chauffeur, do
10, Bunch, and Peaches and will miss
your boyish laughter about the house,
and we will sit by the Preside In the
twilight and talk about what you
might have been II you hadn't gone
out of our lives so abruptly.
The Jasper news., 1908-10-08
QUAKER NEGOTIATIONS.

QUAKER NEGOTIATIONS.
From the Philadelphia Record.]
"All aboard" is an appropriate cry
for a lumber vessel.
A church has nave, but sometimes
1t is spelled with X.
It's the fellow who Is loose in his
morals that gets tight.
People who are stilted are not al
ways above suspicion.
If Ignorance is bliss this ought to
be very happy world.
The hungry German who likes sau-
sages is always prepared for the
wurst.
Some people feel SO high and
mighty that they are always UP in
the air about it.
II woman is delusion, it should
also be remembered that most men
hug a delusion.
The Jasper news., 1908-10-08
Advice and Example.

He that gives good advice builds
with one hand; he that gives good
counsel and good example builds with
both hands, but he that gives good ad-
monition and bad example builds with
one hand and destroys his work with
the other.-Croten.
The Jasper news., 1908-10-08
The Pleasant Laugh.

The owner of a cheerful little laugh
need not lament. A silent smile 10
more reserved and gurgle is forbid.
den. A merry laugh is one OF the
pleasant things Of LIE.
The Jasper news., 1908-10-08
LITERARY NOTES.
Literary Notes.

"The Little Brown Jug at Kildare"
is the latest story of Meredith Nichol.
son, whose House of a Thousand
Candles" and "Rosalind at Red Gate"
gave him worldwide fame. In the
Little Brown jug" the hero, Towney
Ardmore, is mistaken for governor
as he steps from the train at Kildare,
and is to his establishment presented
by two sets of admiring citizens with
two jugs-one jug contained butter.
milk fresh from the churn, the other
fine old moonshine whiskey. The man
presenting the moonshine discovers
his mistake in identity and demands
the return Of his jug. He got the
buttermilk instead. That is where
the trouble begins, and trouble, wis
dom, love, fun and politics, follow
throughout the delightful romance.
Bobbs- Merrill, of Indianapolis. are
the publishers.
after getting along amicably for
several weeks, Jack and Belle have
quarreled again." whats it about
tnlS Time r Inc young luiolS 6oe "
discussing who was really to blame
the time before."-Boston Transcript.
"Do you believe that two heads are
better than one?" asked the seeker
after crudite knowledge. Sure" re-
piled the mere man. 'I'm COM
mission merchant and my principal
business Is done in cabbage"
Lawyer-How Is 1t that you have
waited three years before suing Null
Ter for calling you a rhinocerous?
Countryman-Becaus never saw
one of the beasts till yesterday at
the zoo-Filegende Blaetter.
Adam and Eve had just tasted OF
the tree of knowledge. "It's no fun"
they mourned, I'VE have no parents
whose grammar we can correct"
Herein they felt they had missed the
chief joy.-New York Sun.
Fools are generally long-lived. The
one who rocks the boat alw avs lives
to tell the tale, worse luck.
The Jasper news., 1908-10-08
Woman's Limitations.

Any woman thinks she's capable Of
reforming man, but when 1t comes
to reforming herself she employs
dressmaker.-St. Louis Globe-Demo.
crat.
The Jasper news., 1908-10-08

81 never have any luck with flow.
ers," complained the woman. well.
II we can only have rain enough you
may be sure Of raising umbrellas"
said the parlpr idiot.
The Jasper news., 1908-10-08
A DEFINITION.

The difference between liar and q
humorist is that one distorts state
mont and the other states . disfor-
ton.
The Jasper news., 1908-10-08

Fools are generally long-lived. The
one who rocks the boat always lives
to tell the tale, worse luck.
The Jasper news., 1908-10-08

Women would rather have cold feet
than large ones.
The San Francisco call., 1908-04-21
Fair Dog Fanciers
Will Show Pets
San Francisco Kennel Club E'rhi-
bition Opens T omOnow
IN Auditorium

An unusual number OF fair dog fan
ciers. are among the exhibitors who
viii support this years show of the
san Francisco kennel club, which viii
open tomorrow in the Auditorium, in
Fillmore street. Their representatives
will range from the tiny but aristo-
cratic Pommeranian UP through the
Boston terriers. bull terriers. English
bulldogs and collies to the huge St
Bernards.
In many instances the fair fanciers
viii lead the representatives of their
kennels into the show ring 10 pass un-
der the critical scrutiny Of the Judge
The competition for the best dog in the
show owned by a lady, which is usually
reserved for the last day, will be un-
usually exciting this year, owing to the
quality Of the dogs which Will be
benched. In this competition the COM
bined wisdom OF two judges will be
drawn upon. both Charles Lyndon of
Coleman, Ontario, and p. II. Bryson of
St Louis officiating. They viii also
Judge jointly the class for the best dog
IN the show.
The kennel club officials will receive
dogs this afternoon and from S to 10
o'clock tomorrow morning. The OH
cisl opening of the show is set for the
latter hour. The judges viii settle
down TO their great task of awarding
the ribbons in the various classes at ]
%. IN. The Judging viii be continued
until o'clock and will then be re-
sumed at o'clock and again Thursday
morning at 10. The ladies who will eX-
hibit are:
The San Francisco call., 1908-04-21
SPEAKER CANNON
CURBS WILLIAMS
House Republicans Put End to
Filibustering by the
Democrats

WASHINGTON, April 2O.-With the
exception OF Cooper and Nelson OF Wis
eonsin, republicans, the house by a
strict party vote declared today that
the action of Speaker Cannon last Sat
house was not "a breach of the pro-
vision Of the house affecting its safety,
dignity and the integrity of its pro-
ceedings."
The dictum was made when a reso-
ton by Williams holding such breach
10 have been committed was tabled
1te 20 119. The vote was preceded
by statements by Williams and the
speaker.
After disclaiming that as a result of
the incident there would be a personal
breach between him and the speaker
Williams maintained that the action
was an unprecedented parliamentary
act
Speaker Cannon called attention to
the dilatory tactics of the minority
leader for the last two weeks and said
It was the speakers privilege and his
duty TO sweep aside a dilatory demand
and declare the house adjourned
The republicans put through an
amendment to the rules making anv
Day suspension day and substituting
majority for a two-thirds vote to
pass any measure.
Williams and De Almond bitterly op-
posed the rule. Dalzell, its author, no.
tilted the democrats that they could
trust to their imagination for any leg
islation they would get this session.
The San Francisco call., 1908-04-21
Edited BY r. Il. Smyh
Baltimore Boxer Wants to Dispose of BOer
lJnhoIz Before Taking on Another Man
BY r. A. Sr11yth

Joe Cans has decided not to con-
slider any matches until he has dlsposeo
of the one he has on hand with Boer
Unholz on May IA at the Coliseum, un-
der the direction of Jack Gleason Inls
was the announcement made last night
by Ben Selig, Cans representative on
this coast
If the Baltimore man adheres to this
resolution it will sidetrack all negotia-
tions for a match with Nelson, al
though the latter is still insistent upon
arranging a go for the championship,
to take place either May 30 or July =.
Willie Britt. representing Nelson,
posted $4,000 yesterday with Manager
Coffroth as a guarantee of the good
faith of Nelson. This money will re-
main up until o'clock tonight, after
which hour Nelson expects to make
arrangements for another match II his
money is not covered.
Nelson has several opponents in
view. He received kilograms from
Milwaukee yesterday, offering him q
10 round bout with Mcfarland some
time in May. Efforts have been made
TO induce Mcfarland to come out here
and fight Nelson, but he has resolntely
refused all offers. Nelson also has an
offer from Los Angeles to fight Phil
Brock. There was to have been a talk
over the match on the wire last night,
but the principals failed to connect at
the appointed hour.
On top of these propositions there is
another made by Nelson-to meet Abe
Attell in % round fight. Their last
meeting was at Is rounds, and there
was wide difference of opinion as to
what the outcome would have been had
1t lasted five rounds more. H. Kohn,
who represents Attell, has the offer
under consideration. He discussed it
last night and from his remarks Attell
would not be averse to meeting the
Dane If the route were 20 rounds. He
is to give an answer today.
Attell applies the arts of the fnan-
cier to his profession, as well as those
of the boxer. He was paid S2.500 for
his services in Seattle yesterday, and
out of this he was to pay Kelly his
days wages. This arrangement surely
eliminated Thea spirit of competition
from the match. AS the little feather
weight has driven such hard bargains
in all his recent fights there is some
question as to what his arrangements
are for his coming fight with Tommy
Sullivan. The betting on this match
is already at 10 to 4, which indicates
that Attell's hackers have no doubt as
to what the outcome will be.