davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washburn times. [volume] (Washburn, Wis.) 1896-1976, 1908-04-09
. The -
Scrap Book
Difficult the First Year Only.

Difficult the First Year Only.
'Look here. old chappie," said a
young man about town to youthful
benedict of his acquaintance, I'm go
ING to be married, and for the life OF
me don't know what to call my moth
er-in-law. Can't say 'mother-in-laW,'
you know, and mother would be toe
deucedly ridiculous. What did you
do?"
Almost forgot Think l mostly said
say the first year"
Eyes, and afterwardT'
ooh. then it was easy. We both call
ed her grandmamma."
The Washburn times. [volume] (Washburn, Wis.) 1896-1976, 1908-04-09
The Teachers Joke,

In a school in Springfield, Mass, the
lady teacher had occasion to punish
one of the little boys for using pro-
fame language. There being knothole
in the floor, she conceived the idea to
make him think he had got to stand
near by with a pair of tongs and watch
until he caught rat that should come
up from below. Stationing him, she
gave him strict injunctions to remain
until be accomplished the feat, calcu-
Iating, Of course, after he had stood
there 4 couple of hours to send him
to his seat Two minutes after he
fastened the tongs to a genuine live
fellow of the rat kind, with enormous
whiskers and tail, and, holding him up,
exclaimed. by jings, I've caught him?'
The teacher tainted.
The Washburn times. [volume] (Washburn, Wis.) 1896-1976, 1908-04-09
The Insult Direct.

An English country squire gave his
tenants supper and dance. After the
feed he noticed that certain farmers
wife was disconsolate. On being inter
rogated she said: "Well, sir, l was
never so insulted in my whole life as
1 have been tonight. Why. young
chap comes up to me after supper and
says. says he, 4 suppose by this time
your programme is full and, believe
me, sir, had had nothing but the wing
of a chicken
The Washburn times. [volume] (Washburn, Wis.) 1896-1976, 1908-04-09
We Wanted to Know.

Edward had just returned from for
eign service. and his brow was trou-
bled.
81 gave you that parrot as birthday
present. did 1 not, Amelia?" he asked.
Eyes. but surely, Teddy, you are not
going to speak of your tokens as if
cit was young and speechless at the
time"
Eyes" with increasing wonder, ''and
it has never been out Of this parlor."
"There are no other young ladies in
this house?"
"No. there are not"
"Then why-why when I k-kissed
your photograph in yonder album
while waiting for you did that wretch
ed bird initiate your voice and say,
Don't do that, Herbert; please don't >
Ladies' Home Journal
The Washburn times. [volume] (Washburn, Wis.) 1896-1976, 1908-04-09
BY Way of Deduction.

A detective had been put on an anon
ymous letter case. The recipient of
the letter said to him:
1.-THE thing consisted Of but one
short page. and yet there were eleven
words spelled wrong"
"Then the criminal" said the detec-
tive promptly, twas either a type
writer or sign painter. Is there a
business directory handy?"
The Washburn times. [volume] (Washburn, Wis.) 1896-1976, 1908-04-09
A Philosopher.

Smiley says he hasn't any luck at
ALL"
'Tndeed It's something unusual for
him to complain"
ooh, he wasn't complaining. He says
he'd rather have no luck than always
have it d"-Exchange.
The Washburn times. [volume] (Washburn, Wis.) 1896-1976, 1908-04-09
A Sickiy Lot.

81 see by the paper" observed a
young woman to a companion on an
elevated train in New York one morn
ing. chat Mr. Blank. the octogenarian,
is dead. What on earth is a n octogena-
rian anyhow"
81 don't know, I'm sure" was the
reply, ''but there's one thing certain,
they're a sickly lot of people. You
never hear of one unless he is DYING
Lippincott's.
The Washburn times. [volume] (Washburn, Wis.) 1896-1976, 1908-04-09
Easy Enough.

A noted mathematician stopped at a
hotel in a small town. There were a
number of drummers on hand. There
was also a meeting Of some medical
men at the place, who used the hotel
as headquarters. One of the doctors
told the mathematician that some of
the M DIS had concluded to kidnap
him and take out his brains to learn
how it was he was so good in mathe-
mates. He was asked by them what
he was going to do about it. He re-
piled. ''Why, shall simply go on with
out brains just as you doctors are do
ing"
The Washburn times. [volume] (Washburn, Wis.) 1896-1976, 1908-04-09
Too Poor to Lose.


Several years ago a southern Kansas
politician who had an excellent reputa-
ton for not paying his debts found
himself a defendant in lawsuit. He
employed Archie Williams, afterward
general attorney for the Union Pacific,
TO defend him. Williams won the case.
After the verdict was returned the pol
itician asked Mr. Williams the amount
of his fee.
''It is $780,"
'Great Scott, Archie That isn't
enough. Why, you earned $1,000, and
you must make out your bill for that
amount
"No, / won't do it," replied Williams.
81 am too poor a man. Two hundred
Is all | can afford to lose
The Washburn times. [volume] (Washburn, Wis.) 1896-1976, 1908-04-09
Ergotisms,

EIgOLIsIIIS'
Father, son, grandson, your broker
begs you to buy or sell this or that
stock; ergo-he makes his Fights and
quarters whether you win or lose.
Without trying to make enemies you
are universally hated; ergo-you must
have some merit.
You have very devoted friend in
Blank; ergo.,you have borrowed moth
ing of each other and asked each other
no favors.
There ere two kinds of silent men
those who have nothing to say and say
The Washburn times. [volume] (Washburn, Wis.) 1896-1976, 1908-04-09
Sixnence Too Much.

An Irishman who had jumped into
the water to save a man from drown
ing on receiving a sixpence from the
rescued man looked first at the six
pence and then at the man, saying,
BE jabbers, l am overpaid for that
Job
The Washburn times. [volume] (Washburn, Wis.) 1896-1976, 1908-04-09
The Meek Citrate.

"When Dr. Creighton was bishop of
London" says the present bishop Of
London, she rode on a train one day
with a small, meek curate. Dr. Creigh-
ton, an ardent lover Of tobacco, soon
took out his cigar case and. with q
smile, said. You don't mind my smok-
ing, suppose?
"The meek curate bowed and an
swered humbly, Not if your lordship
doesn't mind my being sick.'''
The Jasper news., 1908-12-03

We are aboard, the gangplank is pulled
in and we are moving across New York's
peerless harbor toward little island of
about fourteen acres, above which towers
the colossal Statue of Liberty eniighten-
ing the world. It stands above the
sparkling waters of the bay, perfect in its
dignity, sublime in its symbolism. 1t
stands facing the entrance of the har-
Dor, SO that it seems to greet and well
come the newly arrived foreign lands as
they come to the land of Liberty, Enlight-
eminent and Law. As we draw nearer, 1t
rises higher in our view, and as we APP
conception comes to us as it has not
before. 1t Is more than three hundred
feet III height. about half being occupied
by the pedestal. A stairway in the
form of double spiral is within the
figure, and this we will ascend. Up and
up and up we co. Having started, we
must 60 to the top, for the stairs are too
narrow for passing. there is a return
stair on the. other side of the spiral, so
that those ascending and descending may
not meet. At intervals are seats in re-
cesses, so that the tired may rest without
stopping those who may follow after. At
last We are up in the head of the figure.
In the front Of the crown are twenty-six
WINDOWS, from which we look out upon
the harbor and surrounding shores. While
we were climbing we might foolishay
and impatiently have wondered if we
should ever get there. We find ON ar
rival that We are not very tired after all;
and if we have not gone on holiday or
with crowd Of tourists we have plenty
of time to sit down, and recover our
strength and spirits for the down trip.
AS we go down we are likely to feel a
sudden weakness and trembling of the
knees consequent on the long climb, but
it amounts to little and soon passes. At
the base of the figure we walk out on
the pedestal and look out over the
waters. We see the, great span Of
Brooklyn Bridge between Manhattan and
Brooklyn and marvel at the titanic build
ings which now fill the area of lower New
York. We take the boat to return and
now the immensely of these buildings
grows on US. as did that of the statue
when our faces were turned the other
way We first entered New York from
the back. Now we will enter by the front
way, and what we see will be told in the
next and succeeding articles.
The Jasper news., 1908-12-03

A Scotch minister and his servant, who
were coming home from wedding, began
to consider the state into which their
rotations at the wedding feast had left
them.
SANDY" said the minister, Gust stop
minute till go ahead. Maybe l don't
walk so very steady and the good wife
might remark something not just right"
He walked ahead for some distance, and
then asked:
"How is it? Am walking straight"
ooh, ay," answered Sandy, thickly,
"ye're all recht-but who's that who's
with YOUR
The Jasper news., 1908-12-03

isulss IoI WnoHt tney suItenueisd sneI
s ~. i1ng slnce nave ls! ,ne caL I ,S!le
put NOT t,9Igosyusp, , heE tnink, as tney sniis
tlsiL asnng ieet. ney nays opssIs ~
WIN pam, menlai ano pnysicaI, tnas tne
women VINO come INTO we sIowaed caI
stand ior one or TWO stations ana tnen
drop into yaSaHnt scat nna tnsy Upsstys
snd LETTING fhe iesson h,,rn n. Edmund
I burke said that Won could not indict a
whole oeoole. but provincial writers have
not hesitated Ia indict 4 community Of
more than four million people. Our
friends are bep;nnii,g to understand
woman who stands does so only
mntil nearby seat is vacated. which
( q l;leiv to hannen at the next or. at
the u,oIet within i few stations. Not once
Il, ts,, tt,o,,sa,d s;n,es 'dnee man dron
;,,o q ecat CO.. which woman l. waiting
After the women. the man who stands
nearest the seat Uefs L without question
though frenuentlv he makes a noiite offer
to another. The other fact Of equal in
terest which they are beginning to COM
prehend is that the man VINO surrenders
his seat to the hrst woman VINO IS stand
ing loses ms seat Tor perhaps ten miies
OF wearying Journey. u ne makes .tns
TIP twice day. IN n il,. years ne WI WI.
essN- So SCI $500; III 1. -. -. n
around the earth. he VIII nave saved
various unknown women the neon
yenience OF standing few blocks and ne
will have whatever satisfaction comes
from the TACT. Perhaps, also, ne VIII nave
his reWard IN another world, 70 whicn
MS many hours q WEAKNESS are nKeiy 10
distinctly hasten MN. ~
Another fact, to which critics never re-
fer. Is that ~ person of either, sex who
Is old. lame or feeble. enters the car a
seat is found instantly. sThe distinction
-is based upon humanity and common
sense New Workers lack neither. They
have no more nor less than other people.
They work out their own peculiar prob
lens in their own way. without asking
instruction from any quarter. and If the
entire ioopuiation were removed and re-
placed by others from any part of the
Country the customs based upon .inexor-
ale conditions would soon be as they are
now. Some part Of these observations
and reflections have come to our visitors
during their long ride downtown.
2
We change cars at Chatham Square and
enter a nearly empty train, which carries
US down to South Ferry Behind us lies
Battery Park, twenty acres OF green
grass, trees and shrubbery, with great
winding paths to accommodate the pass
ing. and repassing crowds. On the north
and east it is thanked by colossal build
irgs which we will not describe now. On
the other side are the waters OF New
York Harbor, on which are moving the
great hoarse-voiced ferry-boats and yes
sells OF every kind, from the ocean liner,
Just going out, to the ,venturesome little
s with crew OF one OF TWO men.
The Montgomery tribune. (Montgomery City, Mo.) 1892-1910, 1908-10-16

GIRL WAS ~DELiRIoUS
With Fearful Eczema-Pain, Heat,
and Tineling Were Excruciating-
Cuticura Acted Like Magic.

IAN eruption broke out on my
daughters chest. / took her to a
doctor, and he pronounced It to be
eczema of a very bad form. He treated
her, but the disease spread to her back.
and then the whole of her head was
affected, and all her hair had to be cut
off. The pain she suffered was excru-
ciatiHg, and with that and the heat
and tingling her life was almost I'M
bearable. Occasionally she was deliri-
GUS and she didnot have a proper hours
sleep for many nights. The second
doctor we tried afforded her Just as
little relief as the first. Then 1 pur-
chased Cuticura Soap, Ointment, and
Pills, and before the Ointment was
three-quarters finished every trace of
the disease was gone. 1t really seemed
like magic. Mrs. T. w. Hyde, Brent
wood, Essex, England, Mar. 8, 1907"
The Montgomery tribune. (Montgomery City, Mo.) 1892-1910, 1908-10-16

pie. The hobo association of a nearby district
gave an excursion, and a feast, after which the
members disbanded to. their regular territories
most of them going into winter quarters. ~
The, reader wilTs wonder where the w%ayfarers
slept while they were engaged,in carrying, out their
convention plans. Others wondered, too, but one
early-rising farmer near Clifford determined for
himself when he found the upon the
determination of water snoring in the key of 4 In
a manger early one morning, Others took to re-
clining benches in the parks, some. utilized fence
corners, while the more ~slistless of the order salts
fed themselves with such Injuries of sleep as were
furnished underneath front porches,-t : r
All in all, it must be said that the convention
was a great success, more enthusiasm attending
the meeting than ever before. There was more
grub, less allusion to soap and water and lots OF
sleep for the tourists. " -
The Montgomery tribune. (Montgomery City, Mo.) 1892-1910, 1908-10-16
THE WARPED SENSE OF HuMoR.

1t is a big thing to be born with a sense of
humor. 1t will force smooth sailing on lifes rough
est seas, and will make even d~rudgery bearable.
The woman who cannot see a joke, even at her
OWN expense. is to be pitied-and so are her fun
loving friends. There is nothing harder on both
sides than a humorism that falls flat.
The good people who are interested in the de-
crease of divorce should have a law passed that the
serious minded and the joker may not wed. 1t
means ructions ere the orange blossoms fade.
A man not long ago was bewailing a broken en-.
gagement. A friend who knew them both said:
1T is the Lord taking a hand to save you from
a lifetime of misery. Georgia couldn't. see fun if
it were labeled JOKE, and you couldn't help jok-
ing though it meant a separation from those you
loved best"
But it is one thing to have a sense of humor and
another to have a warped sense of humor. There
is no one more maddening than the person who
roars at our mishaps and thinks it so funny to
mortify his friends.
You can afford to laugh-if you feel like it
when you fall in a crowded ballroom or lose your
false puffs in church; but you have no friendship
so tender that will warrant a smile when a friend
does the same.
humor who tells embarrassing anecdotes about fam.
lily makeshifts, or who repeats as a good joke to
a common friend something you have said" about
her but never intended her to hear.
One of these misplaced humorists is the husband
who thinks it funny to ask a guest to have certain
dishes, and when she accepts to tell her I'VE are
Just out of It." :"
Have you never been covered with embarrass-
ment by having such a man ask you to say grace at
his dinner table and shrek with laughter at your
efforts to get out Of 1t? q rfi
". Z"
good story. think it Smart to receive it with
forced outlaws, and others who winfully refuse to
laugh at the point. ("
Laugh all You can, but have a sense of fitness
in your laughing. To joke over the bumps in your
nwn nfn will n much 10 n,1- ~. - a 49,
NOR in the mishaps of your friends is soon To and
yourself friendless. 80
No matter how keen your sense Of humor, use
discretion in sharing a joke with a friend. Humor
is like lightning. 1t rarely strikes twice In the
same way. ~
-.
The Montgomery tribune. (Montgomery City, Mo.) 1892-1910, 1908-10-16
Expressions Of a cYnIc.

Walter Pater, an old man at 80, bald
as a coot and ~grotesquely plain, re-
garded every woman much as did Dean
Swift, who wrote: "a very little wit
is valued in a woman, as we are
pleased with few words spoken intel
ligibly by a parrot" You don't APP
prove Of marriage?" a friend once OBJ
served to Pater. NO" he replied.
nor would anybody else if he gave
the matter proper consideration. Men
and. women are always pulling diff
ferent ways Women won't pull our
way. They are so ~perverse."
The Montgomery tribune. (Montgomery City, Mo.) 1892-1910, 1908-10-16

Slight Accident Put Edmonia's Rival
Out of the Running.

ss.. v -
Mrs. s. was in a Richmond hos
,pital, and she y lohely,sso welcomed
the advent Of a very black and very
,JangHtd maid, WHO. came in n morn.
Ing to wipe up the floor. Some one
new TO talk to, 80 no time-was lost.
" II have not seen you working here
before. Aren't you a new girl?"
;Edmonia willingly, let the cloth slip
back into the bucket, and sat fiat upon
the floor before answering.
"Yas'm, rs new. rs jest washin'
up de floor; but I don't work. Is ed
.jikated."
: And where were you educated!"
was the text question.
"In a seminary" Then. with a burst
OF confidence: There was me m an.
other girl workin' in a house. She was
cook and I was chambermaid, and
we had great times about who would
git de prize. but I beat" Then, after
a pause, she was easy to beat, cause
she got smothered to death with gas
de night before de Examinations come
of."--Harper's Magazine.
The Montgomery tribune. (Montgomery City, Mo.) 1892-1910, 1908-10-16

Mrs. Hetty Green, the richest wom-
an in the world, now comes forward
70 lay the blame for the hard times
on women. She says that we live too
fast and that Americans are a nation
of spendthrifts. Her excursion into
fashionable life, though apparently
brief, seems to have made her very
pessimistic. 1t Is to be hoped she is
not going to join the ranks of the dis
gruntled m%illionaires who are writing
of the dreadful goings-on In society.
The Montgomery tribune. (Montgomery City, Mo.) 1892-1910, 1908-10-16

A man in st. Louis is seeking a d.
vorce from his wife because, among
other things. when he demonstrated
with her on her style of dress, she told
him to mind his .own business. The
st. Louis nan Is not alone in taking
this admonition as a serious insult.
The Montgomery tribune. (Montgomery City, Mo.) 1892-1910, 1908-10-16

The "Forodora" chorus girl has
again come into prominence. The
husband of this particular one was
shot in a quarrel over hens. 1t is a
small sort of scandal, but 1t is good
enough for the limelight, and, after all,
that is the main thing.
The Montgomery tribune. (Montgomery City, Mo.) 1892-1910, 1908-10-16

II the Mauritania could dance on
the water like a cork it is apparent
that ocean liners must be made a few
thousand feet longer to insure absot
lutte stability.
The Montgomery tribune. (Montgomery City, Mo.) 1892-1910, 1908-10-16
HoW'S This?

We offer One Hundred Dollars, Reward fer any
ease OF Catarrh that cannot be cured by Halls
Catarrh Cure.
FL HEN & CO.. Toledo. o.
We. the undersigned. have known F. J. Cheney
for the last rs years. and believe him perfectly hon
orable In all business Transactions and financially
able to carry out any obligations made by his firm.
- WALDING, KINSAS & MARVIN,
ALE Wholesale Druggists. Toledo. o.
Hairs Catarrh Cure Is taken Internally. acring
directly upon the blood and mucous surfaces OF the
system. Testimonials sent free. Price so cents PEE
bottleJ Sold by all Druggists. q -s
Take Halls Family Pills for constipation.
The Montgomery tribune. (Montgomery City, Mo.) 1892-1910, 1908-10-16

The reported shortage in the price
of cranberries will probably be accept
ed as an excuse for raising the price
of turkeys along about Thanksgiving
time.-Toledo Blade.
The Montgomery tribune. (Montgomery City, Mo.) 1892-1910, 1908-10-16

The duke Of Aosta has been enter
tanning American officers. AS brother
to the young prince who is to marry
an American girl. he probably feels
that he is a re~lative-in-law to the Uni
ted States.
The Montgomery tribune. (Montgomery City, Mo.) 1892-1910, 1908-10-16

Those burglars at Mark Twain's
house showed considerable strength
when they carried the sideboard with
its rich load of solid silver" out into
the yard. But If they had tried to
carry away the joke that Mark after
ward pir2;a on his door, they might
have found that rather heavy, ever for
them.
The Montgomery tribune. (Montgomery City, Mo.) 1892-1910, 1908-10-16

1t has been decided in New Jersey
schools that the children in them need
not pray If their parents object. But
no hint is given that New Jersey is in
no need Of more prayers.
The Montgomery tribune. (Montgomery City, Mo.) 1892-1910, 1908-10-16

The kaiser gives the lnterparliamen-
tary Union a ringing peace message.
War is in almost as bad repute every
where as it was in the Russian army
after Mukden.
The Montgomery tribune. (Montgomery City, Mo.) 1892-1910, 1908-10-16

A Berlin doctor says that most men
might with advantage study the man.
ner of eating BY the giraffe. which
masticates every mouthful 1T times
before swallowing 1t. But look at the
long neck he has!
The Montgomery tribune. (Montgomery City, Mo.) 1892-1910, 1908-10-16

The Ohio State Journal notes the
misprints look much funnier to the
editor when they're in some other pa
per. Yes, but they look about ten
times as big in his W paper.
The Montgomery tribune. (Montgomery City, Mo.) 1892-1910, 1908-10-16

A c~hewing-gum magnate in Ohio has
been sued for divorce. Certainly. any
kind of a wife ought to be able to
make a husband of this sort stick.
The Montgomery tribune. (Montgomery City, Mo.) 1892-1910, 1908-10-16

The Last Thing on the List
When a man thinks his son isn't
likely to be good Cor anything else. he
generally tries to get him to study
medicine. "a - f s-:.
The Montgomery tribune. (Montgomery City, Mo.) 1892-1910, 1908-10-16

Some one has invented IA machine
that will write 100000 words an hour"
Now invent another one to boil EN-
down to 10000,
The Montgomery tribune. (Montgomery City, Mo.) 1892-1910, 1908-10-16

The people of Venezuela are think
ing of electing Castro president for
life. Perhaps they believe it would
be a clever thing on their part to beat
him to it.
The Montgomery tribune. (Montgomery City, Mo.) 1892-1910, 1908-10-16

That domestic who stole $4,000
worth of jewelry under the very eyes
of her mistress in Philadelphia never
was born to be a servant girl.
The Montgomery tribune. (Montgomery City, Mo.) 1892-1910, 1908-10-16

One could hardly tell whether that
Cleveland youth who had to pay
$3.50 for kissing a girl got a bargain
until one saw the girl.
The Montgomery tribune. (Montgomery City, Mo.) 1892-1910, 1908-10-16

Great Britain has placed another i'm
mems order for material in the United
States out of which to make the roast
beef of old England.
The Montgomery tribune. (Montgomery City, Mo.) 1892-1910, 1908-10-16

A man over in London has shown
that he can operate a typewriter by
means of the wireless. But think
what a lonely job that would be!
The Montgomery tribune. (Montgomery City, Mo.) 1892-1910, 1908-10-16

That Pittsburg man who recently
gave his children $4,000, 900 apiece was
not much impressed by the Thaw ex.
amples.
The Montgomery tribune. (Montgomery City, Mo.) 1892-1910, 1908-10-16

Umbrellas were introduced in
1772." We suppose they began to dis.
appear singly about the same time.
The Montgomery tribune. (Montgomery City, Mo.) 1892-1910, 1908-10-16

It beats all how the size of woman's
hats is increasing and the contents 'of
the mans pocketbook are decreasing.
The Montgomery tribune. (Montgomery City, Mo.) 1892-1910, 1908-10-16

World %aeroplane records are getting
bigger right along, but they remain in
the family.
The Montgomery tribune. (Montgomery City, Mo.) 1892-1910, 1908-10-16

At some period in a mans life he
firmly believes that all his friends
have conspired to injure him.
The Montgomery tribune. (Montgomery City, Mo.) 1892-1910, 1908-10-16

Evidently the person who remarked
that history repeats itself had inside
information. Earrings are in style
again.
The Montgomery tribune. (Montgomery City, Mo.) 1892-1910, 1908-10-16

Don't worry about the weather, II It
doesn't exactly suit you. You are not
to blame for IL.