davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-29
ABOUT THE GAsHoUsER WHO RETAMs HIS FAMILY TROUBLES

But o marshmall 1t certainly is tan
talizing. Tessie. to listen to him. Tan
talizing. because every minute you're
listening to him Of you do lsten why.
you're just hankering and thirsting and
aching and longing to turn him right
around. just like that. don't you know,
and-well, you know what folks do with
their shoes sometimes; when they're wear
ing the shoes, that Is to say.
Just what he means. or thinks he
means. by asking us--US. of all humink
beinks-to listen to what he has to say. or
thinks he has to say, about why his wife
doesn't understand him, and the conse-
quences thereof-why he singles us out
as a receptacle into which to pour all Of
those dismal old dreanings, We don't
know: we don't for the very life Of us
know. Because. you see. the Internal coOt
knows that we're married. And, know
ing that we're married, as he does know,
what the dickens right has he got to sup
pose that we haven't got troubles of our
own? Hey?
Doesn't he suppose-doesn't he KNOW
that being married ourselves, we're per-
fectly familiar with all that old piff1e
about our wives not understanding or ap-
preciating us. or about our not under
standing or approaching our wives. or
whichever other way you want to turn it
around?
That's what gets our nanny-his dad
hinged calm assumption that we are. or
ought to be. interested in his rawlings
about the state of things connubial up at
his own plant, when it ought to be per-
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-29

fectly patent to him. knowing Al he does
that we, too, are spliced, that it's about
all We can do-and burned sight more.
sometimes-to keep peace under our own
roof. and all like that.
any chance considers your case at all.
He's too eternally occupied in thinking
about his own domestic game.
Dye know, there are fellows Of this
sort in this mans town that you're really
afraid. positively, to ask how they are.
when you meet up with EN-, for fear that
they'll answer that question by pulling
long map and beginning to uncoil that old
hash-hash about their not being well At
all. old man, because. ysee, YOU know
how things are up at their house, and how
their wife-oll, we'll. they're not going to
say anything about their wife. Of course.
because she means well and all that. but
If you only knew what they had to con-
tend with and
Yessir. you're actually afraid to ask
'em how they're coming or IL 1t isn't
fine day or if they think Bryan will carry
Delaware, for fear. deadly fear, that
they'll yank in that story that you've
heard nineteen octillion times already
about how they don't have any peace Of
their lives because their wives don't, or
do, this and that and the other. and.
b'jee, If it wasn't for their folks-well.
bullet 'ud end 1t ALL old pal and Teller
might just as well be dead as to-etc.,
cts, etc.
Say, we'd a heap rather have fellow
come right smack out and call his wife
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-29

the other Gf you're still bug enough to
let him keep you corralled there). and
you wonder why 1t is that these people
can't go and tell their troubles to a cross
ing cop. or to Maj. Sylvester. or some
body, and you try to think up some ex-
clse for beating it away from there: but
he's got you herded up. and he doesn [
pause long enough to permit of your dop-
ing a way out Of it, and so he goes right
on:
I'm not saying word against her. un-
derstand-wouldnt think OF such thing.
But-well old boy, you've known me all
my life. or pretty near it. and you know
blamed well that / was always easy to
get along with, and ask you, man to
man, how long a feiler il supposed to put
up with the kind Of game have to en-
dure all the time without registering a
holIer? How long? Hey?'
Oh. how you wish you were flshin' over
at Four Mile run or up at the end OF the
Chain bridge. as he proceeds:
Il don't take of my bonnet to any duck
when 1t comes to having q decent dispo-
sition." he whang-whAngs along, but too
doggoned much Is asked Of me. and
enough Is enough. Blame IT. ALL don't
have any more liberty for myself than If
I was anchored over yonder at the East
ern branch calaboose. and sometimes,
b'jing. I think that I'd like to be In jail
II only for the sake Of having little
peace and quiet. AS I say. she means all
right. but y'see. she's little-minded and
narrow, and prejudiced. and sort o
bisoted, and her mind moves In teeny-
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-29

had acknowledged pre-eminence. they
would get it from Congress in short
order. I've had senators and representa-
in their eyes at that-and they insisted.
with the greatest appearance of sincerity.
that real public spirit i'm Washng;o on was
a negligible quantity
never really believed that until re-
Gently. after 1 had looked over some
thousand of replies to the question.
What is the most imperative need OF
Washington" which had been submi.te
to local merchants. big and little.
The result was astonishing. The an
swers did not reveal any public spirit
worthy of the name. In fact. a perusal OF
reader with gloom. Mos, of the folks
who answered the question stuck close
to the personal equation. II there was a
square foot OF sidewalk in front OF Bill
Jones' place OF business that had sunk
an inch or two below the level of the rest.
Bill Jones was certain to mention the re-
pair of that as Washington's greatest
need. Was there an awning pole out of
alignment in front Of Sam Smiths place
Of business? Then the Strengthening Of
that awning pole was the most pressing
need in the whole District of Columbia.
and. in Sam Smiths opinion. would do
more than anything else to beautify the
city.
A member of Congress who looked over
these Illuminating answers said flatfoot-
eddy that when the people of Washington
were able to get together on any one
some chance for that project to 60
through.
But until then" he said. ''you haven't
a show. save when people interested dis
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-29

word losing 1t is only in very excep-
tional instances when American readers
enjoy having the moneyed character In
story lose his money at the wind-up.
They resent that kind Of an ending. I'M
less the fellow is a mean and measley one.
Until recently one Of the big fiction week
lies ran a series of stories. written by a
clever man. about an engaging sort OF
crook who put all sorts Of extraordinarily
ingenious schemes into operation for the
purpose, in which he was always sue
cessful. of getting hold of big money.
This characters methods were not only
INSCRIPTIONS. they were criminal. but the
crook was portrayed throughout the Sc
ries as a winning. good-hearted sort OF
fellow, so that he had the sympathy
throughout of the folks who read about
his doings. Well. in winding up the Sc
ries Of stories about this rather lovable
crook and CRATER. the writer, actuated.
perhaps. by a rather unnecessary sense
81 fitness or of smugness, got his crook
into a bad mess with the authorities. He
was made to lose all of his big crooked
gains clapped into Jail. and put on the
stool OF penitence. the wind-up of the
series being that he turned over new
leaf and went to work at legitimate
business on a salary.
Now, that finishing story of the Sc
ries was a frost. In the first place, it
was unnatural, for the reason that class
A crooks of the kind this writer depicted
rarely or never do turn over any new
leaf. In the second place. the readers
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-29

lives IL, why. that makes him into a
nuisance. A peeve who just sulks and
sulks and sulks. and let's 1t 60 at that.
without bothering anybody else. probably
will 60, when he dies, to some place where
the little cerise imps will spend all eter-
nifty in tickling the bottoms of his feet
and MAKING him laugh and be gay and
giddy and clippy and cut uppy whether
he wants to or not.
Excuse us. though, from venturing any
prediction as to where the peeve who in
sists upon telling us all about his domes-
tic bothers is. going when he cashes in for
the big ride over the Big Divide
Ordinarily. he thinks he Ia going to tell
us about why and how and wherefore he
can't get along with his wife.
You're getting the idea now. aren't you?
Yessir. he's going to pin us to O project
ing pillar or stanchion or something, and
he's going to attempt to watt the old
wooze stuff TAT us about how his wife,
ysee. old man, doesn't understand him,
and never did. doggone 1t, and it's a
helluponearth for him at home. that's
what, old pal, aud sometimes he feels like
as IL he might as well jump off the dock
as not (three cheers! We always give three
cheers when he tells us thatD and she
never did have the slightest realization Of
the finer points Of his nature, and
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-29

Dillon.
I'VE are put to it all the time TO get
some new twist on the articles OF fact
about extremely wealthy people and how
they spend their money. The demand Tor
this sort OF material on the part of an
enormous class Of readers lis constant.
but it is hard to keep the demand salts
fed. Women. for example. are very fond
of reading about the doings. the dressings,
the bejewelings. the travelings. the soc-
etyizings OF exclusively wealthy, women.
Such material affords them opportunity
for day dreams. You'll see illustrated ar
ticles about the trousseau Of some very
wealthy bride, articles about her wedding
gifts and how such gifts are protected by
detectives. articles about how the children
of the millionaires are reared. articles
about how the servants of the wealthy
live. and all that sore of thing. good
deal OF this matter has a sort Of prying.
ba ck- stairs look TO old-fashioned people.
but il is what is wanted. and there isn't
any higher consideration in the publishing
business nowadays than that readers shall
be given just what they want and all they
want of it just when they want it,. Yes.
and young Hallroom. the clerk, likes TO
read about the enormously wealthy young
hoods their comings and goings here and
abroad. their yachts and their kennels
and automobiles their Wallets and their
their little affairs with the young
women Of the chorus; and that sort of
thing And. since there are thousands and
tens of thousands of Halrooms who read
maya zines. why shouldn't they. too. be
furnished with the sort OF pabulum that
they like
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-29

wears pepper and salt suits with shoes
and waistcoat and ties of neutral hue.
Down in his district they declare that
never has he put on frills and that he
has been just as much at home in a
we'll. most anywhere as most anywhere
else.
But last winter he broke loose and float
ed down the main aisle Of the House
chamber with is expanse-front uphol-
stored In crimson. And, as if that wasn't
low a couple days later
All this was chronicled in the WASH
ington papers and in due time got down
tidewater way. Then the cross roads
papers in the second district began to
edftorialize on the subject.
Can 1t be possible. is 1t conceivable,
asked the Amityburg Argus. that this
loud dude mentioned in our esteemed con-
temporary, the Washington Evening Star,
is our Harry Maynard. our Harry. whom
last We saw leading COW down the main
street Of our proud and populous village?
Is it possible. is it conceivable that our
representative in the Congress of the
United States. the man who has our in
terests In care, should SO far have for
gotten himself as to act In this unseemly
manner"
Other comments were along the same
line. and Mr.. Maynard was nightly I'M
comfortable for a while.
DENIM. that was close CALL, he
told a newspaper man, when this sort
Of scoiding was dying away. and 1 sin,
ever mention that 1 wear dress suit. "
And none Of the boys has.
LIVERY now and then we are told that
Il IL the people of washington ever
could manage to agree upon any one thing
in thu way of public improvement that
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-29
o.. ~1(A9a<$eAA%<S- "a

rich. we don't want things to be ar
ranged that we'll haze to give our riches
away.
1--WE all imagine. too. that we'd be able
to spend riches to far better advantage
both to ourselves and to others than the
mllionaires we read about. Folks VINO
are particularly fond of reading about the
moneyed ones are eager for accounts or
the extravagances and excuses OF the
rich people. men and women. Ii only that
they may say to themselves. We'll. l GER
tainly shouldn't be such an idiot If l had
all of that money; I'd know how to take
care Of it and Of myself; I'd get all OF the
fun possible out Of it. and I'd do lot or
good in the world, too
"In this country the fondS..s for the big
figures in the matter Of mons . so great
that resentment is felt by many readers
when the figures are moderated even to
conform with the facts. few years ago.
for example the fortune Of Jock Rookie
Teller was arbitrarily fixed at billion
dollars by certain writer's. who. of course,
knew nothing whatever about the matter
But the statement that We had billion
aire in this country was eagerly seized
upon Folks believed it and commented
upon it. A few months ago printed an
article In which 1t was stated that Mr..
Rockefeller's fortune was nothing like
the stupendous sum Of a billion. Do you
know that there were a lot of people who
didn't like that Topping off of Mr.. Rookie
feller's fortune little bit? They had un-
derstood that it was a billion. they'd got
used to considering it a billion and they
didn't like to have anybody turn around
on them and tell them that it wasn't a
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-29

who had followed the ingenious CRATER
throughout his operations hated to see
him go fiat broke that way after all of
his skillful .scheming and continuing to
get the money. They'd vastly have pre1
ferred to see him turn over his new
leaf, II that had to be done. with COM
Portable bundle to lie back on and get
some fun out of. This. Of course, doesn't
mean that the readers Of such stories.
taking them as a class. are ia sympathy
with crooks and confidence mon and the
like. 1t simply means that. after hav-
ing watched the operation Of the involved
and intricate machinery by which the
fellow got hold Of the big gobs of money.
they sort of felt as if he was entitled
to hang on to at least a good portion
of it. Moreover. the sucker in fiction
never by the remotest chance gets any
sympathy from readers They have
rightly estimated the sucker as a fellow
who generally gets stung while he is try
ing to do somebody else, SO that they are
always pulling for the man who is seek
ing to trim the sucker
while I'm on this topic. let me say
that American readers of all classes GER
tainly are great people for the under dog.
You've noticed. perhaps. that in the clever
burglar stories the burglar nearly always
is allowed to get away. No matter how
tight the pinch in which he finds himself
the writer in nine cases out of ten fixes
I'D a final getaway for him. Well. that's
good policy. We hate to read about the
burglar being nabbed at the finish Of a
good burglar story In fact. we're merry
Gus throughout lest he might be nabbed
We want him to get away. This doesn't
show that we're fond of burglars, does it.?
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-29

weeny orbit. and she can't see things
from a feller's point Of view-its too
much. 1 s'pose, to expect any woman TO
see things as us men see 'em-and So
well. maybe 1 oughtn't to put Ii just this
way, but it's the truth-and SO / find that
il / don't resist II ] gradually sink down
to her own little narrow habit of thought
myself, and-oh. WELL I feel tied and hob
bled and battered. hand and foot. and my
home isn't much Of a home for me. that's
what. but I can't see any end to the gag.
and I s'pose I'll have to go on standing
for the thing as long as live. But I'll
tell you this. old man, II I had my life to
lead over again. why. Id"-some more or
those etc. marks.
Dye want to know just what we think
about this man who insists on telling
everybody about his woes up At the house
or the nat. or wherever he hangs out?
Well, We think that it's too bad that
there are no longer any good. old-fash-
toned. wide, deep. long and spacious
watering troughs. always filled with good
Potomac juice up to the top and slop-
ping over the top. here In Washington.
Because II there were any Of those old
watering troughs handy-one on each cor
ner. say-why. we'd know. all right what
to do with the next glug that tried 10
stick us up and tell US about his marital
woes. and the next one after that, and
all the rest OF 'em. az they came along.
Not that we'd expect to cure 'em by
sousing 'em in the troughs. but we'd get
a little compensating enjoyment out or
wetting EN- down, anyway.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-29

pick and shower and how his wife kept
miners boarding house and did her own
washing. how Coils Huntington peddied
clocks in Connecticut how Jay Gould
peddIed rat traps. how Andrew Carnegie
worked as a telegraph messenger boy,
and SO on. We like big contrasts, Dlg
figures, big win-outs big spending, Dig
doings generally with big money In
terest.
Maybe we've all got a sort Of latent:
unexnressed. wistful. but abiding. belief
or hope or dream something that some
day We ourselves will come into or some
how get hold of a ,ot OF money. and per
haps that accounts for our avidness IN
reading about the folks who already nave
got theirs The other evening l STOOD TOT
q while and listened to fellow VINO was
haranEuinE a crowd in side street IN
New York He was. or thought himself
to be. a socialist. and he was telling his
little crowd what fine thing II would De
when all Of the great millionaires were
stripped Of their 'i!l-gotten boards and
the money was equally divided among the
pee-pul, and all that. A young fellow
standing in front of me observed to his
panion. as he edged away. Well. l
don't want the game to be rugged that
way. l want things to stick as they are.
I'd like to have a chance. anyhow. to get
hold of the big coin myself some day, and.
say, wouldn't beef. though. II. after L
got it. these socialist ducks were strong
enough to make me dish out my pile to
other people,. That young fellow eX-
pressed, / think a profound feeling lying
more or less dormant in all Of us. We
all want to be rich. and. when we get
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-29
AMERICANS ARE FOND OF READING ABOUT MokEYED Fo1Ks

Not at all. 1t simply shows that We are
keen for the fellow who fights against
odds and we want him to have another
chance for himself. One Of the best of
our American writer's Of burglar stories
used to wind them up by having his
burglars in handouts, with the certainty
of long prison sentences staring them In
the face. But he learned better. Readers
didn't like it that way. You remember
that remarkable desperate of the north
west, Tracy. who put up such an extraor-
binary hide and-seek game and running
fight with Washington and Oregon posses
a few years ago and who'fnally shot him
self in a swamp when he found himself
surrounded and with no chance to get
away? Well, every phase of this mans
fight and fight vas portrayed in the
newspapers for a period extending over
many days. and every man and woman
that ! knew was roofing for him to
finally get away from his pursuers. Were
all of these friends Of mine fond of des-
peradoes? Certainly not. They merely
exhibited their inherent sympathy for the
under dog.
ITO get back. though. to the universal
fondness in this country for stories about
money. the narratives Of fact about how
self-made men managed to gain great
riches are the most successful. Naturally
an energetic people. We like to read about
the struggles of others when those strug-
giles are crowned by the requirement OF
great riches. Over and over again they
write about how Commodore vanderbilt
got his start in the Staten Island ferrytng
business. how John Mackay worked In
the Nevada mines In a red shirt with
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-29

got everything properly hooked up and
started to run with it. the thing was
twelve feet long. and didn't appear to
nave any form or shape The spectators
had increased to bakers dozen by this
time. and there was lot of disappoint-
ment. But when the Chinaman had work.
ed the big mass of tissue and bamboo up
to the length of his string-and he had
about a thousand yards Of 1.-THE gave a
dozen or SO quiet Jerks, and the kite
heightened in the air until it stretched
sixty feet and took the form of a snake
a spiked tail and terrifying goggly eyes
two feet in diameter, that rolled in their
sockets. The crowd let out an "A-hh-h-h"
in approved style, and one intellectually
patronizing person cried, Good boy, John.
Gland kite. amt it?"
But John didn't answer. He was looking
around for convenient spot. and finally
he found 1t. and, leaning his back against
soft stymie. he arranged his skirts
around him, turned his eyes heavenward
and calmly watched that masterpiece of
kite. occasionally making Al perform all
sorts of grotesque acrobatic evolutions by
movements of the combining string.
Finally. the Good boy, john" person.
whose conversation gave the lie to faint
physical indications of incipient intellec-
tuality, approached the Chinaman, grim
ming.
You sell kite, John?' he said. evil
IDENTIFY proud of his pidgin- English-Vola-
puk Esperanto patois. You sell me klite?"
Thank you: no. replied the Chinaman
ment, II do not care to sell It, do not
wish to seem discourteous, but built the
kite largely for my own amusement, and
IT took me nearly six months. working a
little while each evening. do not make
kites to SELL"
And the pidgin- English person was
borne blushing from the field.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-29
Q....-4(<@@aakBAN%\S~ %

dent I'm our income. Our women folks
should be clothed at least as decently az
the women of equal station in civil life
and most Of them are not thus decently
clothed, at that. If you've a keen eve
you'll take note that the wives and daugh-
tiers OF a lot Of us are positively shabby.
and their shabbiness can't he helped.
either considering our incomes. A good
many Of us have boys and girls TO be edu-
Gated Their education keeps our noses
TO the grindstone for years upon wears.
When they're educated. they must be
launched into the came of life. ! say, and
repeat. that we're the poorest class OF
professional men. and particularly consid-
way. in this land.
Where, then. would We get the money
to do all of this drinking and gambling
and carousing that were universally held
to indulge in as a steady thing whenever
one Of us finds himself in some sort of .
mess?
Il am more reluctant TO speak or the
women of our army posts, because they
stand i'm SO little need OF defense on my
part. or on the part of anybody else, that
II seems almost an impertinence to me to
advert to them at all from that point OF
view. But you can take II from me that
ninety-nine per cent of them are splendid
women, and that's a pretty good percent
old thing out at the side of their husbands
and fathers and brothers: who economize
and scrimp and stand all of the hustling
and hiking about that's asked of them
without murmuring; and women. too. who.
for all of this poisonous clamor. are just
as regardful and jealous OF their good
names as any women In the world; and II
Is always to be thoroughly understood.
too. that army women get great deal
less out Of life in the way of common COM
fort, much less luxury. than the vast ma
jority OF American women OF their class.
I'VE are not adopting the let us alone
CRY as. our slogan. But all the same we
could be treated a good deal more fairly
without anybody being greatly damaged
by it, CLARENCE L. CULLEN.