davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Spanish Fork press. [volume] (Spanish Fork, Utah) 1902-current, 1908-04-16
An End Miaslnn.

An lrishman who served on board
man-of.war was selected by one of
the officers to haul in a towline of con-
siderable length that was towing over
the taffrail. After pulling in 40 or so
fathoms, which had put his patience
severely to proof, as we'll as every
muscle of his arms, he muttered to
himself:
Surely it's as long as to-day and to-
morrow, It's a good weeks work for
any five In the ship. Bad luck to the
leg or the arm it'll leave at last. What,
more of 1t yet? Och, murder! The
says mighty deep. to be sure!"
After continuing In a similar strain
and conceiving there was little prob
ability of the completion OF his labor,
he suddenly stopped short, and, ad-
dressing the officer of the watch, ex-
claimed: bad manners to me, sir, IL
/ don't think somebody's cut off the
other end of it!"-The Pathfinder
The Spanish Fork press. [volume] (Spanish Fork, Utah) 1902-current, 1908-04-16
GIRL WAS DELiRloUS
With Fearful Eczema-Pain, Heat,
and TinsIine Were Excruciatine-
Cuticura Acted Like Magic.

can eruption broke out on my
daughters chest. l took her to a
doctor, and he pronounced it to be
eczema Of a very bad FORM He treated
her, but the disease spread to her back,
and then the whole of her head was
affected, and all her hair had to be cut
off. The pain she suffered was excru-
ciating, and with that and the heat
and tingling her life was almost I'M
bearable. Occasionally she was deliri-
Gus and she did not have proper hours
sleep for many nights. The second
doctor we tried afforded her just as
little relief as the first. Then l pur-
chased Cuticura Soap, Ointment, and
Pills, and before the Ointment was
three-quarters finished every trace of
the disease was gone. 1t really seemed
like magic. Mrs. T. w. Hyde, Brent
wood, Essex, England, Mar s, 1907"
The Spanish Fork press. [volume] (Spanish Fork, Utah) 1902-current, 1908-04-16
MADE HIS MEANING CLEAR.
Professors Son Translated Fathers
Speech Into the Vernacular.

A college professor, in company
with his son, was enjoying a walk in
the country, when he met an old
farmer. 1t had been a very wet sea,
son, and the professor, thinking to
start the conversation in way that
would prove interesting to the farmer,
remarked:
There has been a rather abnormal
precipitation of late"
The farmer seemed somewhat EN-.
barrassed, and the professors son,
who used a different vernacular.
though he was student in the college
to which his father was attached, at
tempted to straighten out the matter.
Drawing the farmer to one side, he
said in superior way:
THE governor means that we've
been having a devil of lot of rain"
-Harper's Weekly.
The Spanish Fork press. [volume] (Spanish Fork, Utah) 1902-current, 1908-04-16
An Undesirable Article.

When Mr. B. went to call upon some
friends the other afternoon, he was on
his way out of town and so had his
travelling bag with him. This he
placed in a corner and when he rose
to leave he overlooked it. His hostess
happened to notice it before he had
reached the door, and called to her
little daughter:
Marie, run after Mr.. B. and tell
him he has left his grip here!"
The little one gave her mother one
swift glance of surprise. but flew duti-
fully to obey orders.
"Oh, Mr.. b." they heard her say,
mother says you have forgotten to
take your grip with you" Then she
added, quickly, in tone of polite
apology: "You see, most all of us
have had it this winter, and we'd
rather not have any more!"
The Spanish Fork press. [volume] (Spanish Fork, Utah) 1902-current, 1908-04-16
Trzsfb and
Quality

appeal to the Well-Informed in every
walk of life and are essential TO permanent
success and crcdtable standing. Accor-
ingly, it is not claimed that Syrup of Figs
and Elixir of SIENNA is the only remedy Of
known value, but one Of many reasons
why it is the best Of personal and family
laxatives is the fact that il cleanses,
swcetens and relieves the internal organs
on which it acts without any facilitating
after effects and without having to increase
the quantity from time to time.
1t acts pleasantly and naturally and
truly as n laxative, and its component
parts are known to and approved by
physicians, as it is free from all objection
able substances. To get its beneficial
effects always purchase the genuine
manufactured by the California Fig Syrup
Co., only, and for sale by all leading drug
gsts.
The Spanish Fork press. [volume] (Spanish Fork, Utah) 1902-current, 1908-04-16
MAcHINE-eRouNp PAINT.

Occasionally one hears the hand.
mixed paint of the painter slightingly
spoken of as "unscientific" and mot
thoroughly mixed" The facts are all
on the side of the painter and his hand.
prepared paint.
IL is the most scientific" paint there
is, because it is made on the spot to
suit the particular purpose for which
II Is to be used. 1t is as scientific as
a good doctors prescription. If the
painter did not mix it thus 1t would
be as unscientific as patent medi.
cine. Moreover, the paint which a
good painter turns out is made of
genuine white lead and pure linseed
OIL If he does not mix it himself he
is not sure what is In 1t, and conse-
quently his client cannot be sure.
AS Tor not being thoroughly mixed
by machinery, that is simply a mis-
statement. White Lead as made by
National Lead Company is thorough.
ly incorporated with or s per cent.
OF pure Linseed oil in the factory, MAX
ing a paste. This paste need only be
thlnned with additional linseed oil to
make 1t ready for the brush.
The thorough incorporation of pig.
ment and oil has already been accom-.
pllshed before the painter gets it.
10 know how to tell pure white lead
Is great advantage to both painter
and HORSEPOWER. National Lead Com
pany will send tester free to anyone
interested. Address the company al
Woodbridge Building, New York, N. Y
The Spanish Fork press. [volume] (Spanish Fork, Utah) 1902-current, 1908-04-16

Irwin Cobb, humorist of New York,
was recommended to a lecture man.
agement. The latter sought an intro
duction through friend, Mr.. McVeigh.
Come here, Irwin, / want you to
meet a friend of mine" said McVeigh.
After few minutes conversation, the
lecture man preached the subject of
lecturing as follows:
Il was just wondering, Mr.. Cobb,
what you would think of a proposition
to do some lecture work next sea-
SOM"
Cobb looked at his questioner for
just moment in blank amazement.
Evidently such thought had never
entered his head before. Then reach
ing out his hand confidentially, he
said
I've got it. My wife will do it. She
is the best one l know."-Lyceum and
Talent,
The Spanish Fork press. [volume] (Spanish Fork, Utah) 1902-current, 1908-04-16
EPARTEE.
A Counter Stroke,

A stylishly-dressed woman entered
a Chinese laundry and paid for a
Numbered shirt.
why do you wear those rats
think you call them, in your hair?" in
quired the Chinaman, who had an in
quisitive turn of mind
flush, Mr.. John" replied his Gus
toner. 81 always thought 1t was Chi
nese etiquette not to talk about the
things they like best"
The Oriental blinked his eyes as the
lady passed out.
The Spanish Fork press. [volume] (Spanish Fork, Utah) 1902-current, 1908-04-16
Couldn't Spare o'connelI.

Daniel O'Connell had got man off
at one time for highway robbery and
at another for burglary; but on the
third occasion, for stealing a coasting
brig, the task of hoodwinking the jury
seemed too great for even his powers
of cajolery. However, he made out
that the crime was committed on the
high seas and obtained an acquittal.
The prisoner lifted up his hands and
eyes to heaven and exclaimed: May
the Lord long spare you. Mr.. O'Connell
to mel"
The Spanish Fork press. [volume] (Spanish Fork, Utah) 1902-current, 1908-04-16
catarrh Cannot Be Cured

with LOCAL APPLICATIONS as they cannot reach
the seat Of the disease Catarrh Is blood or consti
internal remedies Halls Cstsrrh Cure is taken In
ternaliy, and acts directly the blood and mucous
surfaces. Hairs Catarrh Cure Is not quaek ineui
cine IL was prescribed by OF the best
in this country for years and ia regular prescription
Il ia composed OF the best tonics known eombineo
mucous surfaces. The perfect combination or the
two Ingredients is what produces such wonderfui re
suits in curing catarTh send Tor testmona, ire ~
FL. CHENEY Co., Props, Toledo, v
Sold by Druggists price 75c.
Take Halls Family Pills for constipation
The Spanish Fork press. [volume] (Spanish Fork, Utah) 1902-current, 1908-04-16
Mo Visible SIGNALS.

"Yessum," said Sandy Pixies, as he
devoured the wedge of pumpkin pie,
81 sternly object to the nefarious prac-
tice of clipping off de tails of dogs
"Ah, l am glad you are so tender
hearted, my poor man" sympathized
the good housewife.
well, It amt exactly dat, mum, but
when a dog hasn't any tail can't tell
by de wags If he is in a good humor
or not and it makes me skeery about
approaching de house.
The Spanish Fork press. [volume] (Spanish Fork, Utah) 1902-current, 1908-04-16
The Wronu Tense.

Dorotheas father was sitting before
a window in his country house with
Dorothea on his knees. He was look
ing across the fields with unseeing
eyes, when the lassie broke in on his
reverie with, What are you looking
at, papa?"
81 was looking into the future, my
dear"
THE future, papa! thought 1t was
into the asture!"-Harper's Weekly.
The Spanish Fork press. [volume] (Spanish Fork, Utah) 1902-current, 1908-04-16
THE MEAN MAN.

i believe" his wife angrily de-
clared, that If l were dead you
would be married again inside of a
year"
oh, no." the mean man replied,
you are mistaken. Try me and I'll
prove it,
The Spanish Fork press. [volume] (Spanish Fork, Utah) 1902-current, 1908-04-16
Gladstone's Thrift.

Gladstones liberality WAS
very great. and was curiously accom-
panied by his love of small economies
his determination to have the prop
er discount taken off the price OF MS
secondhand books, his horror OF a
wasted half sheet of note paper whicn
almost eoualed his detestation OF a
wasted Observation-Disclosures Oh 0i'
Algernon West.
The Spanish Fork press. [volume] (Spanish Fork, Utah) 1902-current, 1908-04-16
What do Won mean. pa?"
In a Pinch. Use ALIENS FooT.EAsE.

A powder It cures painful, smart
ing, nervous feet and ingrowing nails,
It's the greatest comfort discovery of
the age. Makes new shoes easy, A
certain cure for sweating feet. Sold
by all Druggists, 25c. Accept no sub
stitute. Trial package, FREE. Ad-
dress A. S. Olmsted, LIE Roy. N. Y.
The Spanish Fork press. [volume] (Spanish Fork, Utah) 1902-current, 1908-04-16
TEA

The greatest tea-drlnkerS
are full bottom Dutch
men. There isn't much
nervous prostration in
Holland.
Won, grocer returns your money if you don
,u,o scb;Ilino's Best we pay him
The Spanish Fork press. [volume] (Spanish Fork, Utah) 1902-current, 1908-04-16

lions, which contained sediment. MY
husband urged me to try Doan's Kid.
ney Pills. and at last / did so. They
did me much good, and / used in all
eight boxes which restored me to per.
feet health"
Sold by all dealers, so cents a box.
Foster-Milburn Co., Buffalo, N. Y.
The Spanish Fork press. [volume] (Spanish Fork, Utah) 1902-current, 1908-04-16

- Wv eAA
last Spring and as 1
did not know what
was the matter 1
kept going down
and down until 1
was a physical wreck.
l h ad smothering
spells, flashes of
heat over the kid.
neys and pain in pass
inc thn lyfJnn-
The Spanish Fork press. [volume] (Spanish Fork, Utah) 1902-current, 1908-04-16
est He FORGET.

Cburch-What's that piece oil coru
tied around your finger Tor
Gotbam-My wife put 1t there 10 re-
mind me to mail letter
', ~SrrcbEAnd did you mail it? T..
Gotham-No; she forgot 10 give -
IN me,-The CongregationaiisI'
The Spanish Fork press. [volume] (Spanish Fork, Utah) 1902-current, 1908-04-16
The Power of Love.

Love as many persons and as many
creatures as you possibly can. Love
is the only power by which you can
make yourself rich in moral world.
--Blackie.
The Spanish Fork press. [volume] (Spanish Fork, Utah) 1902-current, 1908-04-16

She-Women's clothes are mys.
terry to men, aren't they?
He-Oh, | don't know. | can often
see through them.-Cornell Widow.
The Spanish Fork press. [volume] (Spanish Fork, Utah) 1902-current, 1908-04-16

Garfield Tea cannot but commend itself
to those desiring laxative at once sim
pie, pure, mild, potent and health-giving
Il is made of Herbs. All drug stores.
The Spanish Fork press. [volume] (Spanish Fork, Utah) 1902-current, 1908-04-16

The woman who marries for money
usually gets what she went AFTER but
it's different with a man.
The Spanish Fork press. [volume] (Spanish Fork, Utah) 1902-current, 1908-04-16
Pettit's Eve saIve for Csc

relieves tired, overworked eyes, stops eye
aches. congested, inhamed or sore eyes. All
druggists or Howard Bros, Buffalo, N. Y.
The Spanish Fork press. [volume] (Spanish Fork, Utah) 1902-current, 1908-04-16

Men have no rights in the world;
they have only duties.-George Mere
dith.
The Spanish Fork press. [volume] (Spanish Fork, Utah) 1902-current, 1908-04-16
SPRING klDnsY TROUBLE.
VV'o'y Described by One Who Has
Suffered from II.

MRS, ii. Mutzabaugh, of Duncannon.
IA, says: Il was sick and roisoroh,o -,
The Spanish Fork press. [volume] (Spanish Fork, Utah) 1902-current, 1908-04-16

Mrs. winslow's Soothing Syrup.
For children teethng softens the gums, reduces In
hsmmstion sllays PAIN cures wind collie 2Sca bottle
The Spanish Fork press. [volume] (Spanish Fork, Utah) 1902-current, 1908-04-16

Cause Of Mutton's Woolly Taste.
The woolly taste in mutton Is SAID
to be due to slow dressing the car
CaSS
The Spanish Fork press. [volume] (Spanish Fork, Utah) 1902-current, 1908-04-16
Nautical Note.

well, my girl, that young man OF
yours established record last even.
ing"
What do you mean, pa?"
Your mother reported him off the
hat rack at ten o'clock, and he hadn't
made the vestibule when your brother
steamed in at 12."-Modern Society.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1908-07-16
WHAT TIE KIDNEYS DO.
Their Unceasing Work Keeps Us Strong
and Healthy

All the blood in the body passes
though the kidneys once every three
minutes. The kidneys filter the blood
They work night and day. When
healthy they remove about 500 grains oi
impure matter daily, when unhealthy
some part of this impure matter is left
in the blood. This brings on many
diseases and symptoms-pain in the
back, headache, nervousness, hot, dry
skin, rheumatism, gout, gravel, disor
ders of the eyesight and hearing, dizzi
ness, irregular heart, debility, drousi
ness, dropsy, deposits in the urine, ect
But If you keep the filters right yon viii
have no trouble with your kidneys
W. II. koot, Hill Heights, Hood
River, Oregon, says: II suffered grea,
deal from my kidneys for long time,
The disease being the result of n colo
which settled in these organs. The
secretions We're too free in action, both
day aud night and were attended with
severe pain. Whenever attempted tC
stoop over, sharp twinges would catch
me through he loins and cause tht
most intense suffering. / felt weak
tired and languid and my eyesight was
affected. l was greatly annoyed by
dizzy spells and nothing seemed to helT
me until | procured box of Deans
Kidney Pill at ClarEe's drug stnre.
used them according to directions anC
it WASH long before felt like differ
ent man, without any sign of my
trouble. Today my general health il
excellent and for that reason, cannot
speak too highly in praise of u 'an''
Kidney Pills" For sale by all dc,,h-r-
Price fifty cents Foster-milburn c..
Baffalo New York, sole agents for IT.,
United States. Remember tie namr-
D0an's-and take no other
For sale by all dealers. Price 50 cts
Foster-Milburn Co., Buffalo. New York
sole agents for the United States. Re
member the name-Doan's-and taxi
no other
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1908-07-16
Boys L;fs Saved.

My little boy four years old, had a
severe attack of dysentry. We had Nv"
physicians; both of them gave him u,
We then gave him Chamberla;n', G, lie,
Cholera and diarrhoea rvr,-dy wh;cli
cured him and that saved his life -
William II. Strollng, Carbon iill Ma,
Tlere j. 10 doRbt but this remedy
saves the lives of many children each
year. Give it with castor oil according
TO the plan printed directions and a
cure is certain. For sale by kier &
Casa
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1908-07-16
Help for Those Who Have Stomach
Tr0uble.

After doctoring for about twelve years
for bad stomach trouble, and spend
ing nearly five hundred dollars for med
icne and doctors fees, l purchased my
wife one box of Chamberlain Stomach
and Liver Tablets, which did her so
much good that she continued to use
them and they have done her more
good than all of the medicine | bought
hefore.-SAMUEL BOYER, Folsom, Iowa,
This medicine is for sale by Kier &
Cass. Samples free.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1908-07-16
Was in Poor Health for Years.

Ira W. Kelley, OF Mansfield, Pa,
writes: 81 was in poor health for two
years, suffering from kinney and blad.
der trouble, and spent considerable
money consulting physicians without
obtaining any marked benefit, but was
cured by Foley's Kidney Cure, a.:d
desire to add my testimony that it may
be the cause of restoring the health oi
restoring the health Of others" Re
fuse substitutes. Sold by C. n. Clarke
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1908-07-16

berlain's Collie, Cholera and Diarrhoea
Remedy was first brought into use. 1t
proved more successful than any other
remedy or treatment, and has for thiI-
ty-fve years maintained that record.
From small beginning its sale and use
has extended to every part of the
United States and 10 many fmeign
countries. Nine druggists cut of ten
will recommend it hen th.ir opinion
is a,kel, although they havr other m,d-
icines that pay them r'ca'rr Tr'ht.
II can alwa he dci cndh Il upon, even
in the most severe aid danger W. ca rs.
For sale by Kicr < Cass
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1908-07-16
The Right Place.

A number of representatives we're
facetiously discussing the resources OF
the state of Missouri one afternoon,
when Mccall of Massachusetts OBJ
served to MIR. Lloyd of the first named
state:
"Lloyd, | am told that Missouri
stands at the head In raising mules. "
"It seems to me" retoIted Lloyd,
''thst is the only place to stand IN
the circumstances
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1908-07-16
An Intlncelllent

els there anything | can do, cried
an exasperated West Seattle mot her,
"to induce you to 90 to bed:"
yep" responded the smail boy,
promptly
"Ne !, for goodness sake what is
itY"
"Lemme stay up an houi longer"
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1908-07-16
Poison Oak Poisoning.

Bal!ard'- Snow Liniment cures it,
Mr.. o Il. = Cornelius, Turner, Ore
wrle>-My wife has discovered that
Snow Liniment cures "foson Oak Rois
ioning', a very painful trouble. She
not only gu ed a ease If it Oh herself
but on two ,f her friends who were
poisoned 10y this same ivy, Price 25c
50c aud 81. S"ld hy Chas. n. Clarke.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1908-07-16

O'Brien-Tbe doctor sez what hev
is "insommy",.
O'Toole-Oh, sure. Olive had thot
throuble mesel', and there's only wan
cure for it.
O'Biien-What's thotY What dye
do?
O'Toole-Jusht go to sleep and fur
git all about it.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1908-07-16
The Wrong One,

Lady-l'm looking for Cover ness
for my children.
Manager OF Intelligence Office
Didn't we supply you with one las,
week?
"Yes"
4 "Well, madam. according to her re.
Eort, you don't need governess.
You need a litn taner Life.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1908-07-16
Nothing Else Adequate.

The professor had just finished a
lengthy lecture on poisons and anti
dntes "Suppose you we're called ia
attend a patient who had swallowed
10 grains Of oxalc acid, what would
you adninister?" "The sacrament, "
shouted IN Irish student from the
rear of hs hall
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1908-07-16
A MilliOnaire's Baby

attended by the highest prirei baby
specialist could not be cured stomach
or bow ell trouble any quicker or su'er
than Your baby if you give it McGee's
Baby Elixir, Cures diarrhoea, dysen-
tary and all arrangements Of the stnm
ach or the bowels. Pric,. 25c and 90.
sold by Chas. n. Clarke.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1908-07-16
The Staye, WII,>.

The man who like the bulldog, has
the staying qualities is the winner in
the battle Of life Others more b, H.
liant, more far seeing, more splendid
lv endowed by nature. fail in the race
because they have not that rertinucity
that makes its pos essor hang on
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1908-07-16

Bert Barber, of Elton, Wis says: IL
have only taken four doses of DeWitt's
Kidney and bladder Pills and they
have done for me more than any other
me licine has ever done" Sold by keir
and Cues
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1908-07-16

C.ergyman-You can, however, CON.
fort youeelf with the thought that you
made your husband happy while lie
livei
Widow-Yes, indeed Dear Jrck
was in heaven until he died. Judge.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1908-07-16
Twenty-Five Cents is the Price Paid OF
Pence.

The terrible itching and smarting, in
cident to certain SKIN diseases, is al
most instantly aliaItd by applAing
Chamberain's Salve. Price, % cents.
For sale by kier 4 Cass,
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1908-07-16

Kodol will without doubt help an, one
who has stomach disorders or stomach
trouble. Take Kodol today and CON-
tinue it inr the short time t at is neces-
sary to gi!e you complete relief. Kodol
is sold by Keir and Cass.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1908-07-16

docs your husbsn' want a job,
Mis- Brown"
"No; bnt il yuu',e got one for him,
IN make him take il. ~
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1908-07-16
.0Ntr Th rtt.Eiyr Ytars

In 1872 there WAS a great deal of
diairh ea, dt seitr, ard cholera infan.
tum. 1t was at this time that Cham
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1908-07-16
Placard Them Oreg0n

In recent circular report Nj. j.
Perry Worden, Consul ut Bi istol,
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1908-07-16

A gentleman rto discovers that be
va. sturdIug on = lady's train, rad
th pre- euce OF mind TO remark:
Though may not have the po" 81
to draw an angel from the skies,
have pinned one to he earth. "
The lady tXoNsed him.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1908-07-16
VIII Stay in HOad River

The remedy that makes you eat, sleep
and grow strong, called Palmo Tablets
will be sold regularly by Williams
Pharmacy, IlU d River. These great
nerve and constitution builders cost only
5Uc ter box, six boxes. $3.50 If