The Mathews journal. (Mathews C.H. [Court House]) 1903-1937, 1908-08-27

that baby! 1 couldn't have looked
at 1t even. All that was in my con-
sclousness regarding the baby kept
love out of my heart. 1t had cost the
mothers life.
My golden-haired Miriam, NV
beautiful darling in her shroud. and
this unheeding infant wailing contin-
uously. If the child had only been
taken and the mother left. Kindness
dld all that could be done, brought
the crying infant to be loved and
blessed, but 1 couldn't love and I
couldn't bless it. 1t was ugly; it was
thin; it was hideous.
Carry 1t from me as far as you
can" was my furious cry. Never
VIII 1 see it, never acknowledge it"
1t was the brutal answer of a man
beside himself, and l was brutal. but
] was suffering. So they treated me
as man crazed by grief ought to be
treated.
The poor little crying babe was
cared Tor. but taken out of my sight.
and they left ME alone with nv
trouble.
Alone with my beautiful dead. her
shining eyes closed forever. her gold
en- hair blazing with light even under
the coffin lid.
After the funeral. while my fran
tic grief made a scene of misery. they
bore the child away into the green
country. My mother took 1t TO her
loving heart
1t has neither father nor mother" >"
she would say. but l Will be both to
1t. Honey, they shan't have YOU"
she would whisper to the child. Won
are all mine"
was stupid fool so to mourn. so
TO put out of my sight every reminder
or my dead wife, but unreasonipg
man will be stupid and at times n
fool. loved my wife passionatelv.
but not wisely. So elated had been
with my conquest that, like a man
who puts a precious coin in hiding
L tormented myself and | tormented
my poor wife. She would have seen
how jealous ! was from the first. but
she was like an angel and forgave
everything.
Absorbed in my sorrows still ne
elected the child. / would not see
Tor its care. but let it stay where it
was. let me stay where / was. Ny
work absorbed me. / had lost Mir
lam, henceforth nothing could COM
fort me. l would have died first.
Nothing could tempt me to go home
and see him. ! dreaded the sight of
him, as l would have loathed poison.
He grows so strong and pretty"
my mother wrote. He cries no
longer" That was all very well, but
when she added, Come and see
him." ] rebelled. He might be beau
tiful; he might be wonderful: but he
had lost me my pearl of pearls. There
would never be another Miriam for
me.
No, would not ever let them send
me the boys picture l was icono-
clast enough to nave broken it if
they had. Strange that love seemed
dead in my heart. | cherished SEN
umentalism to the extent of feeling
that l should never love again, in
sect, beast nor bird, woman nor child.
and l glorifed in my self-exclusion.
The time went on. ] neglected my
~AOSASAS WhO was OUT HGI
heart for me; would not even go to
see her because l wanted not to see
the boy, who had become an image
OF hatred, as look at it now. Time
abated not the force of my grief,
rather exaggerated 1T. Still the let
ters came occasionally.
THE boy had teeth, two, three,
six, seven, he smiled like an angel.
he was beautiful, he was growing
fast. Fourteen months old and you
have not seen him. And he looks
like you"
Then I'll never see him." cried,
between my teeth, an6 1 knew that
in my way l was a handsome man,
but for that eternal melancholy.
If she had said he looked like Mir
lam, or he has ner eyes, her hair,
her teeth, her smile, l don't know
whaA might have been tempted to
do & I was stubborn. He had
6eRW ne He had
ER 10,