The Birmingham age-herald., 1908-01-12

known pugilst and on the sporting page there's a short talk from the Rev. Dr. Peterson J. Madders on the subject Of the new short arm jolt MT. Edwin Foy Fitzgerald, late Foy, the noted serious actor persists in his determination to play Hamlet, for which l honor him. It's not many comedians that find out in time they were intended by nature for tragedy. It is reported that he will be supported by May Irwin as Ophelia. l use the word support in this case ad- yisedly, Larry. May Irwin ought to play Ophelia with great success If she'd only play it by the pound. l can't think of any one in the profession who could beat her out unless it's member of the elephant quadrille at Barnum' s. There's also an item from Chicago say ing a Divorce club has been organized out there in that far western city by lady who has mislaid divers of her husbands from time to time.'
 Only them that's been divorced is eli gible l take it? guessed the House De- tective.
 "Yes, that's the rule" said the Hotel Clerk. So of course there's some peo- pie in Chicago that'll be barred out, tho not a great many at that. The club is going to hold social sessions every week at the Coliseum or under a large tent or out on the lake front or some place that's roomy enough for everybody to assemble and give the members chance to introduce former members of their immediate families to the present incum- bents, as it were. Are you related to that lady?' one member will say to an other. Only by marriage the second one will reply. My husband used to be her husband one summer?' And then therell be joint debates on such timely and interesting subjects as Resolved That Married Men Make the Best Illus bands, or Resolved That t Is Harder to Keep a Wife Than Cook
 Tt ought to be a very successful or ganization, Larry. I think myself that they should extend it's scope and make it general in character"
 We could furnish a purity tolerable chapter right here in New York" said the House Detective.
 We could so," assented the Hotel Clerk. T think we'd have the banner lodge inside of two months. It'd be our own fault if we didn't considering the excellent team work on the part of our judges. This is no bush league, Larry. We've hardly got a divorce judge on the bench that didn't bat well above three hundred last season.
 You may recall how it was at our large legal department store called a
  docket for the recent holidays. The pa pers had quite a piece about it. On one side of the building sat the over-worked judges dissolving matrimonial knock about sketch teams at the rate of eigh- teen pairs per minute, which is almost up to the best record of the factory where they make the three-dollar shoes. On the other side of the same massive structure sat the marriage clerk busy as Cnrfc ha11 licenses for applicants who had just been dissolved, so to speak. Twas off with the old and on with the new. A short married life and a merry one.
 Picture the scene, Larry In comes stout sinewy gentleman with an under jaw like a car fender and pair of melt ing eyes that have run together after they melted. The presiding justice helps him into a chair, tucks a cloth around his neck like Butte millionaire getting ready to eat grapefruit for breakfast, and runs his hand over the newcomers face. You have a tender skin,' says the judge. Do you want a close divorce or just once over?
 Tn the body of the court up rises a lawyer. May it please the court he says, not that it makes a hanged bit of dif- ference, he says, whether it pleases the court or not, but anyway as we say, may it please the court, l represent the de- fendant in this case and I desire to in- sist in the name of that solemn rite known as the marriage contract that-?"
 .' Back up,' says the judge, interrupt ing him, who told you marriage was a contract?
 Well, it used to be- says the lawyer
 Maybe it did, says the judge, but not any more. It's now a 60-day op- tion. 1 refer the learned barrister to the latest authority on this subject-"Three Weeks'
 "Then turning again to the plaintiff: Go on, my good man. says the judge. what are the grounds for your suit?'
 Cruelty and inhuman conduct, says the party in the chair. Although I took an invalid for a wife, she mistreats me horribly on the slightest provocaton.'
 Where Is she noW?' inQuires the judge
 Tn the hospital says the suffering plaintiff. She attacked me with such fury the last time that she fractured her skull, gouged out one of her eyes and knocked several of her front teeth down her own throat
 Poor, patient creature that you are, says the judge. What is your business?
 I'm an animal tanner by profession, says the weak-spirited plaintiff. Tn the summer I handle troupe of performing hyenas down at Coney Island and in the winter I break western horses for a local livery stable.'
 You have my sincerest sympathies, says his honor, as he reaches for the bay rum bottle and a blank decree. Well, better luck next time. Brush, Next gent.
 up trips a fair litigant who favors the court with a rare smile.
 And what's your trouble, my dear?' he inquires In a soothing manner, comb ing down his mustache and reaching around to see if the placket of his silken gown of office is misbehaving.
 Incompatibility,' says the lady. My husbands hair doesn't match the color of my new princess gown. I'll have to give up one or the other, and it's very expensive gown while he is quite the contrary, and we're people of moderate means, and MT. Putnam Asunder, the lawyer who does all my divorce business for me, is taking the case at bargain, so here I am. It'll be a great favor to me, judge, if you'll kindly hurry up the de- tails, because the gentlemen who's go- ing to be my next husband is waiting outside, and he's got to get back to his job
 Very thoughtful of you. says the judge. Tell me- he says, is it one of those close fitting princess gowns that seem to cling"
 "It is,' says the lady with buttons all the way down the back and a low necked neck
 " I'd admire to see you in 1t some of these days says the kindly judge. eye ing her judiciousy, and at the same time, fixing his tie. Maybe I'd better take your address, he says.
 "So with that, they're divorced and live happily ever afterward, as they say in the new brand of Einor Glyn fairy tales that are so popular this year.