davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13
HUMOR OF THE HOUR
Differences.

Ss"S SsSSos
There vas enough Of The mans es-
tate to pay either the doctor or the
undertaken. but not both. and they
were wrangling for the preference.
since they equally needed the money.
He had to be dead before he could
be buried" argued the doctor. .'Priori-
" Is with me, both logically and chron-
logically"
But the undertaken appealed to lar
ger social considerations.
Society" he urged, doesn't de-
mand that 4 man die; but, once he is
dead, it demands that he be buried.
As a social necessity l outrank you
and am entitled to my pay first"
II am by no means SURF Of that" re-
Joined the doctor. IF nobody ever
died, what would become of society,
pray"
The undertaken affected to stand
aghast.
Certainly you haven't the effrontery
to claim that without doctors nobody
would ever diet" he protested.
But the doctor was conceding moth
ing.
1.-THE medical practitioner is virtual
" Indispensable" he insisted.
And so the dispute proceeded, quite
Unfortunately, as commonly happens
where differences derive from selfish
tnterest.-Puck.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13
Keeping a Straight Line.

What man has learned by dint Of
thought and experiment some Of the
lower animals appear to know through
instinct. An instance is furnished by
the spiral swimming of certain or
ganisms. such as the spherical shaped
volvox and several elongated infusori-
ans. AS they revolve about the axis Of
progression. as does a projectile fired
from a riled gun. the consequence IS
that they are able to travel in a
straight line, as they could not do 9TH
erwise. the revolution compromising
with absolute precision for any tenden-
cy to deviate from a straight course.
Without such a device many Of these
minute creatures would simply de-
scribe circles. making no forward prog
ress.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13

equipment officer in the New York
navy yard. He did not figure in the
fighting with Spain, but a little later
he 0 o command Of the Yorktown In
Philippine waters and directed the ac-
lions Of the landing party on the east
ern shore Of Luzon. The episodes Of
bis movement made 1t one Of the most
exciting in the campaign against Agui-
naldo. The Iorktown's landing party
was captured by Aguinaldo's men.
Some were wounded, and all were car
ried away as prisoners. Then began
the famous chase after the insurgents
and their prisoners throughout the
length Of the island. resulting In the
release Of the captured men at APART.
The task Of the officers and soldiers
who went to the rescue Of the York,
town men was popularity known as the
hare and hounds" expedition. The
men endured great hardships.
Admiral Sperry was born in New
York in 1S7. He married Edith Mar
cy, Il granddaughter Of the famous
Governor William l.. Marcy Of New
York. graduated from the Naval acad-
envy in 1866 and became n e admiral
III 1906. He was a delegate to The
Hague peace conference Of last year,
has beer president of the war col.
lese and participated in the VOYAGE of
the white squadron to Europe and
! South America in 1913.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13
General Howard
Famous Soldier and Philan.
thropist For Whom 4 Higher
Rank Is Proposed-Once
an Indian Fighter.

Ut was the late Senator Redfeld
Proctor Of Vermont who intro.
duced in the senate the bill after.
ward passed by that body placing
General Oliver Otis Howard on the re
tired list of the regular army as a lieu
tenant general. The movement to hon
or the distinguished general in this
way did not originate with him, for hi
Is as modest as he is courageous. The
suggestion was at once Endorsed all
over the country. for it was felt that
such a recognition Of the services Of
the last surviving corps commander of
the Federal forces in the civil wal
would be most fitting. 1t is considered
doubly deserved because Of the great
value Of General Towards work as 8
citizen in the field Of philanthropy and
education as we'll as his heroism upon
many %battlefields. He is a veteran OF
two wars and Of numerous Indian
campaigns. and as a soldier Of the
cross and an ambassador Of peace he
has earned the undying gratitude Of
his countrymen. He has received thu
degree Of Ii. D. from several institu.
lions Of learning. has been made 6
chevalier of the French Legion Of
Honor, has received a medal Of homo,
from congress and has been president
Of the Medal Of Honor Legion.
. General Howard will be seventy
eight in November. Leeds, Me-, wa
his birthplace, and he graduated al
twenty from Bowdoin college. -Four
years later he graduated from West
Point academy and saw his first field
service in the Seminole campaign In
Florida. He was a professor of mathe.
mates at West Point when the civil
wal broke out and at once asked for a
leave of absence. but it was refused
him. "Well, then, here is my resigna-
tion." said young Howard. "Ny coun.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13

try needs me-" And he left West
Point and returned to his native state,
where he was given command of the
Third Maine volunteers, the first three
year regiment from the state. To men
tion the battles in which he participant.
ed would be almost an enumeration of
the big battles Of the war. He was a
leader in twenty-five noted engage
ments. marched with Sherman to the
sea. lost an arm at Fair Oaks, several
times had his horse shot under him and
In 1864 was appointed commander Of
the Army Of the Tennessee. His great
work Immediately following the civil
war was performed as commissioner
Of the Freedmen's bureau. During
the nine years from 1865 to 1874 he
served In this capacity. distributing
$13.OOO.OOO and solving for the gov.
eminent the problem Of putting the
liberated slaves on their feet. Then
came his service in Indian campaigns.
He commanded in the Nez Perez
campaign and in the Bannock wal and
has written several books about his
experiences with Indians, many Of
whom he has won over from hostility
to the United States government to
loyalty to 1t. He reached the rank Of
major general in 1886 and In 1894
went on tho retired list.
General Howard has always been
noted for his moral as we'll as physical
courage and stood out against intern.
perance and profanity In the army
when 1t was not very popular to do so.
AT Bowdoin he was known as "pious."
but he could whip any man in his
class. Going through New York on his
way to the front in 1861, he was ten.
dered a banquet ut the Astor House.
Much wine was drunk. When it came
his turn to respond to a toast he rails.
ed a glass Of water and said:
Gentlemen, our country is in dan
ger. l go at its call to do my duty.
The true beverage of the soldier is
cold water. In this l pledge you"
1t Is said that while a student at
Bowdoin a classmate went on a dis.
graceful spree. and report had it that
young Howard was the offender. He
was engaged at the time to a Miss
Wait Of Portland. and her parents for
babe him to visit their home. 1t was
six months before the real facts be,
came known. and during that time
Howard suffered so much that h,
never afterward touched liquor.
In talking Of the battle of Fair Oaks
the general once said: II was sho,
in the wrist. Twenty minutes after
my first wound I was hit by a ball il
the left elbow which passed to my
right arm and shattered the bone.
was so intent on victory that l did MOI
know ! was hurt. Later I was placed
on a table and put to sleep. and wher
! awoke my strong right arm wal
gone"
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13
CHOICE
A Hundred Dollar Meal,

WV VtCOus
"Can one man eat a hundred dollars
worth Of food at n meal without
making a pig of himself:" is a question
often asked when newspapers publish
reports of dinners that cost 500 a
plate.
Celebrated maitres d'hotel of Gotham
say he can. 1t all depends upon the
rarity and unseasonableness OF the
viands he consumes and the age of the
wines he orders.
"A mar car without discomfort eat
a hundred dollars worth of food at a
meal" said William C. M~uschenheim.
proprietor of the Hotel Astor, the other
day. Suppose he calls for a highly
priced fish, which is brought here at
great cost and difficulty from it's home
in the Caspian sea; for ~ptarmigan
from the arctic. a delicate bird from
Brazil and rare fruit from Java. with
costly fresh Russian caviare land there
are as many kinds of caviare as of teal.
Let the meal be opened by green turtle
soup made with fine wine, and con-
tinue with diamondback terrapin, can
vasback duck and side dishes and
auc concocted of the most expen-
sive articles out of season in the mar
ket. Such a menu could easily amount
to 800, for it costs as much to pro-
vide Il specially rare dish for one per.
son as for ten. Wines and cigars
would make an additional fifty dollar
bill dissolve like gelatin."-New York
Tribune.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13
Hurnor ara Philosophy
BY DUNCAN NJ. SMITH
THE SPRING AFFCICTlON.

Oh, that blessed tired feeling
Which about the first of May
Ger the soul of man comes stealing
Like a burglar in a play,
Making him SO fine and lazy.
Kin almost to pure delight,
Calling up a vision hazy
OF a lake where fishes bite.
Winter with it's weather bracing
Gave him energy and vim,
But spring has no trouble chasing
All those notions out Of him.
When the birds begin to twttter,
Then in chaste and classic slang
He desires to be a gutter
And to let the work go hang.
He has tugged away like fury.
Buckled to 1t every day.
Now he thinks the Judge and jury
Would prescribe a spell Of play,
Would encourage him in slipping
From the busy haunts of men
And across the fields go tripping,
Feeling almost young again.
Trading of the tired feeling
For the springy step Of youth.
Finding natures gentle healing
More than advertised in truth.
Giving him an added vigor,
Keyed just right, not overdone.
Like the delicate hair trigger
On a forty dollar gun.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13
Keats Window In Rome,

The Keats house in Rome. now freed
from debt and V making a small in
come by partial subletting, has been
nursed into the state Of a worthy little
sanctuary mainly by American care.
On to the steps Of the trlnita opens the
window through which the poet, find
ing the dinners grew worse, hurled the
Whole thing-tin box. plates. dishes,
the inevitable pigeons and the acid
Wine. Severn, his friend and nurse.
ana much more than half Il century
later the English consul in Rome show
ed the present writer the window and
told the story.-London Chronicle.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13
The Paris Horse Market.

The famous old horse market in
the Boulevard de lIIopital in Paris.
where Rosa Bonheur used to plod
about in mans attire with pencil and
sketch book, has ceased to exist. No
INT who loves horses will regret It.
says the Vegetarian, for it represented
the acme Of equine discomfort. The
new horse market in the Rue Brancion
Is a model of its kind. 1t comprises
stables and sheds sufficient to shel,e
500 horses.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13
Needless Reminder.

"You must not think that the mere
possession Of great wealth makes you
a man of consequence"
"You needn't have said that" an
swered Mr.. Cumrox. Mother and
the girls let me understand it every
time we give a p~arty."-Washington
Star,
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13
REAR ADMIRAL SPERRY.
The Naval Officer Who Will Bring
Our Big Fleet Homo.

The Naval Officer Who Viii Bring
Our Big Fleet Home.
1t will be Il unique honor which will
come to Rear Admiral Charles Still
man Sperry in taking the battlcship
fleet now in the Pacific from San Fran
cisco across the widest Of the oceans to
Samoa and Hawaii. Australia and the
Philippines and then through the In
dian ocean and the Suez canal and
back to Hampton Roads. The illness
Of Rear Admiral Evans, which compcls
him to yield up the command of the
fleet on it's arrival at San Francisco.
is a piece Of good luck to Rear Admiral
Sperry. But his responsibilities will
be heavy in conducting the battleships.
which will number eighteen on leaving
San Francisco, on this part Of their
cruise. During the Spanish war he was
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13
GAS STOVE CONNECTION.
Safety Device Prevents Accidental

Safety Device Prevents Accidental
~Uneoupling.
The customary method of connecting
a gas stove with the gas supply pipe
by means of a flexible tube is open to
serious objections. The connections
are apt to work loose or the rubber de-
t%eriorates, causing a leak, and when
the gas is turned off at the stove the
pressure in the tube is liable to force
one or the other of the connections off
its nipple, allowing the gas to pour into
the room. Furthermore, the flexible
tube is liable to come into contact with
the hot stove and be burned.
To Obviate these difficulties it is pro.
posed to use a metallic connecting tube,
and a recent invention provides a sim.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13

Mrs. Giles-My husband is just crazy
over music.
Mrs. Miles-Indeed!
Mrs. Giles-Yes. The people in the
fat under us have a daughter who is
taking lessons on the piano.-Detroit
| Tribune.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13
Glass Brushes.

According to L'Electricien. a Vienna
i1m has recently placed on the market
brushes made Of glass. which are to
replace emery cloth for cleaning and
polishing the commutators Of dynamos
and motors. These brushes are said to
clean the commutators without scoring
the metal. and their use avoids the In
conveniences and dangers OF emery
cloth.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13
The Only Difference,

"The average mar out Of work al
ways declares he would have been all
right If he had only had a good show
In the last place."
"Unless he happens to be an actor.
Then his cry is if he had only had
q good place in the last show.'"-Cath-
Ole Standard and Times.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13
inconsistency,

"Pa, what is the meaning of incon-
sistency?" asked Freddy.
Inconsistency, my son." explained
pa, means a mar who growls all
day and then goes home and kicks
the dog for barking at night."-Har-
per's Weekly.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13
She Mas Riqht,

Mrs. Poorman-Look how earnestly
Mr.. Coldcash is talking to u daughter
at the front gate. I'm sure there must
be something between them.
Poorman (after a look)-Right you
are, my dear. It's the gate.-Chicago
News.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13
The WeakIinu,

"Say, mister" said the small boy,
'lemme carry yer satchel?
"Oh," replied the ladylike MI. Cis-
sey, "my satchel isn't heavy!
mo, l know 1t wouldn't be heavy fur
me, but it's different wild you."-Cath-
Ole Standard and Times.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13
Corned Beef.
Never Touched Her.

Bridget" began Mrs. Youngbride
timidly, Il don't suppose you would
er-object to my getting an alarm
clock
"Not at all, ma'am," replied the lazy
cook. Then things never disturbs
me at all."-Philadelphia Press.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13
DROP IN YOUR PENNY.
Than If You Are Lucky You May Gel
a Postage Stamp,

To be able to buy a postage stamr
with as little trouble as one can get 6
package of chewing gum out of a SLOT
machine would be a great convenience
When the postoffice is not open or is
not near at hand the usual thing is t.
bother the nearest druggist If one is
in need Of stamps. Oftentimes the
drug clerks are all busy putting ur
prescriptions. and to get n little two
cent postage stamp may involve wait.
ing until patience ceases to become q
virtue and only induces profanity OF
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13
Running Him Down..

Hitter-This paper states that it is
only a matter of time when the auto
mobile will reach the poor man.
Upp-You bet 1t will reach him If
he don't get out Of the road as soon
as he hears the first 'honk, honk!'-
Chicago Tribune.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13
Ono Of the Siahts.

Ono OF the Signs.
do you intend to remain In, the city
long," inquired Mrs. Brache.
mo. We merely stopped over to see
the sights" replied Mrs. Gunson.
"1ndeed" exclaimed Mrs. Brache.
"Well, you really mustn't 60 until
you've e my Observation-Disclosures
Post.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13
More RESPONSIBILITIES

'Do you think a man should kiss his
wife as often as he did his sweet
hearth"
mo, indeed. After a man is married
to a woman he should devote q part OF
his time to making a living for her."
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13
An Insult.

Miss Gaddie-1 don't see why you
should feel insulted because he said
your eyes were like stars.
Miss Prude-You don't? Why, stars
keep winking at you all the time!-
Philadelphia Press.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13

Every fad that gets a good start is
as effective in keeping the restless
from mischief as vaccine is in protect
ing from varioloid.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13
April.

April.
The pearly tears of April
Are falling one by one.
They call the hidden fiowerets
To come out to the sun.
They wake the buds, brown coated,
That slumbered through the cold
And bid them don their leaflets
And in the air unfold.
They trickle down the tree trunks,
And brilliant grows the moss.
They Goa the pussy willows
To flaunt their silken floss.
Now, everything considered,
Don't you agree, dear Bob,
The pearly tears of April
Have quite a busy job?
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13
His Joke.

De Style-What makes you think
Gotroz has almost finished the cigars
his wife gave him a few weeks ago?
Enthusiastically, l met him today.
and he said he was almost at the end
Of his rope.-Harper's Weekly.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13
Literally,

"Were those two in the library get
ting to high words when you left?"
Something like 1t. They were on
the ladder looking for the dictionary
On the top shelf."-Baltimore Ameri-
can.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13
He Had Friends.

"You have a terrible cold"
EYES,"
"Taking anything for it2"
"Only advice"
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13

There is only one reaso why the
women are more talkative than the
men, and that is because the women
won't give the men a chance to prac-
tice up.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13
Quick Lunch City.

Where a few months ago the weary
prospector told his troubles to the sad
eyed coyote because there was no n
else to hear the town Of Rawhide.
New. 10Y rears aloft its tented head.
with 10000 observation-disclosures count
daily papers and municipal problems.
Building towns in Nevada is one Of
the simplest things in the world. Some
one goes out into the desert to a place
where there has been no town before,
digs a hole in the ground a few feet
deep. looks down into it earnestly for
a few moments and then shouts, II see
gold!"
The entire floating population Of Ne
vada gets the message by wireless that
evening. and by the next morning it has
its residence packed IN a mule or in
an automobile. according to its station
in life. and is away to the new town to
become the Oldest inhabitant.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13

There is only one thing the matter
with the joys of 4 generation ago. and
that is that they are gone.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13
PERT PARAGRAPHS.

must either be very pretty or very
clever.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13

Nobody likes to be beaten at his own
game, nor yet at the other fellows.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13
Z z

Beat Him to It.
"W b e II IN
doubt. say moth
ing"
But when not
in doubt?"
Don't give the
other fellow a
chance"
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-05-13

Do all the good you a and can no
good you do.
The Detroit times., 1908-02-05
FAVE RSHAM
tn z N
THE LOR AIN &
FOR L y N c -
CHAMPION EATER
STARVES TO DEATH

WATERLOO. H.. Feb. 5.-Once the
greatest eater In the poorhouse here,
Henry Herchenroeder is dead OF self
inflicted starvation. His fame az .
heavy eater began to prey on his mind
and 10 days ago be refused TO take
any more food. and slowly wasted I'M
I'll he died.
On one occasion recently HerCneHT
roeder ate Ave pounds OF beefsteak.
three pounds OF potatoes. two loaves
of bread. one can OF tomatoes. onehal(
pound OF butter. two pies. and SIX side
dishes OF lesser proportion, all at one
meal. and washed II down with six
cups OF coffee
when he read the feat In a newspa-
per he said, Il guess III quit this He.
was 40 years old, coming TO illinois,
from Sweden In 1S45.
The Detroit times., 1908-02-05

the girl had contracted Il In a peas.
ants hut When the hut was raided
the police discovered two bombs. The
end or the tragedy was that the police
uocto himself got typhus and died
Inc suicide case was still more dra-
matte. The Irkutsk Terrorists chose
Marya Kashin TO throw q bomb
through the diningroom window OF the
military governor OF Chita, In the
'Transbaikal province. Marya Kashin
was the daughter OF a former Chita
governor. She was the pretty. spoiled
and petted wife OF u government land
surveyor. the mother OF two children,
and wellsknown hostess. ~
Wrote to Her Husband.
She was devotedly attached TO her
husband. The night before the IN
tended bomb-throwing she wrote him
letter and told her maid TO deliver 1t
at o'clock the next evening. at which
hour she expected the governor would
be dead and she herself on trial be-
fore a drum-head court-martial
Early next morning she drove To
the Terrorist headquarters TO receive
the bomb. The Terrorist chief order
~ $3.50 W PooNpOhc THO otlShiPh. w
cause the authorities were on the
alert. Madame Kashin drove home
rapidly TO intercept the letter to her
husband. She found him In his study.
horror-stricken. reading the fatal let
ter. The servant had delivered IL by
mistake IL hours too soon.
Kashin ordered his wife TO leave
by the next train for Moscow and
hide among her Terrorist friends. She
went 10 her bedroom ostensibly TO pre-
pare for the journey. A few minutes
later the husband heard a shot, and
rushing up found his wife lying upon
her bed with bullet through her
throat.
This Is only one of the several re-
cent instances OF the rush OF women
to the Terrorist ranks
II was woman who threw a bomb
at the governor OF Moscow, a woman
who was hanged secretly at Kieff for
"conspiring against highly-placed in
dividuals" and woman who was re-
Gently sent TO perpetual exile In ST.
IBERIA for organizing Terrorist escape
committee.