The Birmingham age-herald., 1908-12-13

.eWot would the kddies do without Christmas and Santa?" asked the house detective.
 T wasn't speaking of the kids said the hotel clerk "Christmas was made for them and they were made for Christ mas. don't think l was more than six years old when our Sunday school superintendent felt it his sacred duty to tell me that my parents had some thing to do with the annual visit of Santa Claus and that's quite a little way back in the dim and more or less mussy past, but to this day I hate that man with the same cordial warmth that have always bestowed upon the dog catcher that snared away the first pup l ever owned. Once you topple over Santa Claus in a kids mind and it's not long until Grimm Fairy Tales and Little Red Riding Hood are their way, too. But there ought to be a law against an adult of either sex hanging up his sock or her stocking, as the case may be if it means that somebody else is going to have the hang up the landlord and the installment dealer in order to prop i erly fill it.
 Santa Claus coming down the chimney as he used to do Yin the old days, or coming up the hot water pipe and through the plumbing fixture like a second story worker, as he has to do, these times with a pack on his back full of things for the kids is probably the grandest public utility we've got in this country, Larry. John D. Archbold is inclined to think Standard Oil has the call as a philanthropic institution, but at this writ ing I'm still pledged to Santa, even If some of the ilustrat tors do insist on mak- ing him look like Andrew Carnegie dressed up for a sleigh ride. And Santy doing little something in the good cheer ,line for the poor whom we have with with us always but seem to forget it most of the time, rates almost as high in my estimation as John D. Rockefeller does in his own. But there's another Santa l don't seem to care for deeply.
 He the insidious old wretch that slips up behind you when looking in the show window of a jewelry sho palong about this season of the year and whispers in your ear that if you expect to retain your self respect you ought to send something to Jones' not because you like Jones, but because he's going to send you something. So the next day you detect yourself in the act of drawing out the moiney you've been saving up for bull pup and you proceed to dis purse it, buying things you can't afford, for people who don't want them And then there's always the highly impor- tant present that you put off buying until the last minute because you think you're going to have an inspiration, but you don't and so about thirty min utes before the shops close Christmas Eve you are slowly ground up Into ma terial for a rag carpet while you battle with several thousand members of the Eleventh Hour Cane Rush and Casualty club and in a final fit of desperation you seize something that you wouldn't want to see sawed off on your bitterest foe and tell the clerk to wrap it up and send it away by messenger before4 you have a chance to become normal again. On Christmas morning you awaken to discover that somebody's done the same by you and so with murder in your heart and one of those imitation peace on-earth-g goodwill -to-man smiles glued on your face, you go forth and meet him and tell him how pleased and happy you are and swap lies with him until the recording angel throws away his pen and screams for an adding machine.
 Were a strange people anyhow, when it comes to celebrating our national hol- idays, Larry Just look em over. New Years: Turn over new leaf in the morning and turn it hurrledly back be- fore night April l: Sacred to the young in years and also the young in intel lect. Pull the chair from under sister Maggie and give her spinal trouble. h. sert cotton batting into the breakfast gruel and cause dear old grandpapa to choke to death on his store teeth besides other amusemcnts too numerous to men ton, all of which are peculiar to the day and dad-bla med peculiar some of 'eni. . Fourth of July: Every year hundreds of little white slabs in cemetery testify to our devotion to the principle Of liberty also great numbers of artificial limbs and many green blinds over the places where we formerly wore our eyes Election day: Republicans voting for some republican; democrats voting for Bryan; republicans and democrats alike turning out for cleo tion returns in the evening, but demo- crats going home. the earliest. Thanks giving day: The President and. all the governors of the states announce that this is a solemn festival of thanks and praise so everybody goes to a football game.
 But Christmas Is the one that really rings the bell, Larry. We rear children with great care these days. I've heard of one prudent mother that wouldn't spank her offspring until she'd terilized the slipper. We are so scientific and pre- else about a chld's diet that he grows m almost as strong and healthy as If