Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1908-12-24
waggling fore and aft and sideways,

i Waggling fore and aft and sideways,
| To the windward and he leeward,
i Up and down and i'm and outward,
| Loaded TO the muZzle is he
| With high powered conversation,
/ With the gift { Cab most Cabling,
/ And when nothing else is doing,
| Or the time hangs somewhat heavy,
| ~ half-cock he shoots his mouth off
| (For, alas! no notch called safety"
| Makes him wait till aim is taken,
| So it goes off prematurely
| When he breathes on the hair-trigger),
/ Shoots 1T at his wondering tribemen,
| Bids the married men get busy,
Bids the squaws produce papooses,
| Bids ia join In emulation
of the fecund. fertile rabbit,
| Molly Cottontail the bunny,
| linen he clubs the corporations,
With his stuffed club, Billy Bladder,
| Lams the lining out of credit,
Hands to Con -fid-ence a hot one,
Knocks the socks from fourteen billion
Tainted ducats and si-mol-eons,
| Talking ever thru his scalp-lock
| Handing out his CUFF in punches,
Scares to death most everybody,
Doesn't do thing to business,
/ Jumps upon the Solar Plexus
/ OF the golden ovum gosliug,
| I'LL his crazed tribe, panic-stricken,
Stunned with words and wind and gable
| Hide their store of shells and wampum,
Hide their yellow boys and greenbacks,
| In their moccasins and stockings.
Once upon these shells and wampum
Used by all the tribes for money,
| Yap-a-ho found motto
Telling of God to Trust in.
Yappy talked that motto silly,
Talked it deaf and dumb and batty,
| ill the words. by words affrighted,
| fade into the great skiddooward,
Where is nothingness forever.
Then he shrieked with war-whoop mi ght,
| Trust in Me, OH men and maidens,
| Braves and squaws and all papooses,
Put your trust in Yapahoo-tee;
| He's the first, last Hot To malice,
| mn n in rgh-l Let
Here's your motto Trust in Yappy.'"
| See him leaning on his club-let,
On his spear that knows no brother,
At his side his thrones successor,
Good old Gadabout, the Fat One.
| Lo! The war-canoes make ready,
Tho there is no sign of combat,
| But great Yapahootee wills it;
Knowing it you want a rumpus,
You can rile some other Iniun,
| by chip upon your shoulder,
| by show of bow and arrow,
| by tomahawk and coup-s ick,
And scalping knife held ready.
What il that, the thunder roaring?
Nay, tits only Yap-a-hoo-tee,
Just our zap soliloquizing,
In the highways and the hedges,
In the forest and the meadows,
In the wickiupS and lodges,
Hearken to his windy nouthings,
ABOUT everything and nothing,
iii somebody disagreeiug,
With his wild and woolly statements,
wakes his wrath and loud he sputters,
Liar, liar liar, liar,
Ananias, Judas, Jael
Frail and foul prevaricator,
Falsehood maker and retailer,
know that 1 alone ann truthful,
Since that other perfect mortal,
Who was enamoSt my equal,
Chopped tree with childish Ratchet,
And cried: Pepper, Franklin done itP"
Hear the song of Gap-a-hoo-tee,
Song of battle and OF buncombe,
song OF cayuseless cowboy,
Suffering with paranoia.
Once / was alone in Cuba
AND fought my way unhindered
Up the bloodless Hill of Kettle
To imaginary trenches,
And suggestions foemen,
Facing fierce, fictitious shrapnel,
Ihru hazy dream of carnage.
Eeached the top, where never Spaniard
Cooked a cannon or a Mauser
Since this globe first started twirling,
Yet, / seemed TO see dago,
AND somehow seemed to shoot him
In the back as he w 8 fleeing
From My dental exhibition;
And false, perjured,' ghoul-Iike Clarence
Guessed that he had shot another,
Then L wandered in the twilight
To San Juan and howled and hollered
And sent of some press dispatches,
Next blew my breath out strongly,
While my tongue went wiggle-waggle,
w niie my goose quill writ round-robins.
Ill the foe in Santiago
Crossed himself and said Hail MARY.
This is not common windstorm,
Tis more like a hot air-roc-co.
Sacramento, Sol-fer-ino,
IA, Cos pet-to, Dam the Gringo,
We would better far surrender
Ihan be talked to death. By JingoP"