davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-24

stood. enter into competition with the
various correspondence schools for play
.rights Neither will it purposely affect
HE interests of those individuals. mostly
persons who never had play of their
own accepted. who volunteer to teach you
how to write a play while you wait, for
q suitable bonus.
Nope This Is TO be a bona fide school
for playwrights. requiring personal at
tendance at lectures and all that sort OF
thing IT'S said they'll even have yell
of their own. Suggestion for yell:
Raw Raw. Raw. Rotten, Rejected")
Persons of consequence will be OF the
faculty. David Belasco will be one of the
teachers, tits said. This may be impor-
tant or may not be- David knows how to
Ak up a play and ''get 1t over keen
enough. but will he be able to impart his
technique to others? Mayhap aye, pro-
viding plenty OF room is left for may
hap nay.
Only such pupils will pc accepted as
can prove that they are endowed with
"a feeling for the dramatic" This lis
tens profound. One wonders even IL
persons are thus endowed. how the dick
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-24

cloth. Each man took a big handful of
the cuttings and thrust the stun into
his pocket.
The lawyer looked a bit pallid. but
there wasn't a symptom Of crawffshine
about him. Even when he read at the
bottom Of the bill of fare the printed
legend "Sombrero la Gorman"-the
proprietor of the restaurant had attended
to that bit of printing on the menu-he
refused to quail.
He ordered for his luncheon first a
dozen raw oysters and then mess of
oyster patties. When the raw oysters ap-
peared the lawyer sprinkled them with
tabasco sauce, lemon Juice and horse-rad-
fsh. and then. with the oyster fork in his
hand, all ready, he leaned back in his
chair and said:
Gentlemen. Ah'm waitin'."
His cronies looked at each other with
great seriousness on their faces.
''I'll tell you. fellers." said one of them
finally. after a silence. Lets give this
stubborn. wrongheaded man q chance for
his white marble. He's got family de-
pending upon him. and this protracted
mess Of felt and stuff that he is scheduled
to masticate is bound to damage his sys-
tenn up lot. even IL 1t doesn't result seri-
ously for him. Now. I suggest that we call
1T off, on the one and only condition that
he gets up on a chair. here and now.
and declares that the Poe amendment was
fixed up and devised by a somebody that
didn't know what he was doing. How
about il ."
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-24
HE WAS EATING HIS HAT AS A "POIrQT OF HONUa"-

nearly a pound and a half.
Then they conferred, and they decided
that it wouldn't be exactly generous to
force the lawyer to consume the entire hat
at one sitting. They arranged. there
fore. to have the hat cut into tiny bits
on the morrow. and to be on hand to see
the lawyer partake of the first portions of
his hat at luncheon on the following day.
Thereafter. each of the lawyers friends
was to carry bits of the cut-up hat in his
pocket. and to be allowed to introduce
portions Of the hat into the losers food At
any time and place at which they found
him eating, until the entire sombrero was
consumed.
We'll permit you to devour the hat on
installments, old man." they told him.
generously. by doing 1t In that way 1t
oughtn't to take you much longer than
six weeks. eating four or Ave OF the bits
at time at your meals. to get rid OF
the entire haiti you live that long, Of
course
Don't yo' all bothuh about my living,
suhs-Ah'H eat eve'y squayeh inch OF that
hat all right" put in the lawyer, gamely.
They all met him on the following noon
at the restaurant where they regularly
foregathered for luncheon. One of them
had the remains Of an inch sombrero.
which had been cut into little pieces
about a quarter of an inch square, in a
hand satchel, and he dumped the hun
dreds of pieces of black felt and yellow
sweatband and SO on out on the table
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-24

"Eve'y word of it goes, suhs:' affirmed
the lawyer.
They were all with him downtown in
Baltimore on election night, getting the
returns. 1t became known early in the
evening that the Poe amendment had been
overwhelmingly defeated. The lawyer 8
friends affected to be extremely sorry for
him.
Felt. you know, is mighty bad thing
for the digestion" said one of them.
Kravely Il saw big gray wolf die
once. out west. from the effects OF eating
a piece Of a cowboys hat that the wolf
found on the prairie. White hat. the
cowboys at that. Black felts more
poisonous on account OF the dyestuff
used"
TITS not only that" put in one Of the
others, 'but look at the danger of appen-
dicitis. And, of course, the dye in a
piece Of black felt 'ud be bound to aggra-
vate the appendix and make the situation
worse"
The Baltimore lawyer listened to It all
with an unmoved countenance.
Gentlemen" he declared, soemnly,
when. shortly before midnight. the news
of Senator Germans defeat had been con-
firmed, "Ah await yo' pleasuah. All
stand ready t. comply with the terms OF
NAH wageh.'
So his cronies began to devise the
lawyers feast OF felt.
First they took his sombrero to a drug
store and had it weighed. 1t weighed
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-24
Ml lI - FI1

(Which folks may be privileged to doubt),
then New York. for complete inconsist-
ency, elopes with the entire delicatessen.
They're trying over here just now, in q
federal court, banker person who went
to smash. after lot of extremely queer
operations during the panic of last year.
This banker individual has for a long
while been openly adverted to as sin
lister influence in this community. and ha
assuredly brought a lot of public wrath
upon himself owing to his manipuations
in the domain of ice trustism he being
the top-notch ice ruler and regulator of
this section of the earth. For some time
past ii has been openly limited that. al
though this bankers operations were
highly colored with elements of the
criminal. there wasn't chance on earth
Of his being punished, or punished other
wise than nominally. It's the commonest
sort OF sheer oyer here that nobody
with million can POSSIBLY project him.
financial. or other hades he raises nor
what he does In other law-violating re-
spects.
Well. this sort Of gossip being rife. the
federal Judge ordered that the jury Sc
lected to try this banker should be kept
under guard. at a hotel, until the conclu-
sion of the trial.
Now. in spite of the fact that this town
mas been staked, In very recent times, to
all sorts OF spectacles of jury bribing, in
which the agents of indicted men OF
wealth have been the bribers, there was
the greatest little howl you ever heard
of in the New York press because this
jury was locked up by order of the federal
judge. The papers have emitted all sorts
OF walls over the fact that the indicted
man is out on bail while the jury selected
to try him Is under guard. From the
boastful tone taken by this banker a long
time ago with respect to what he pleased
to term his virtual immunity from pun
ishment for his queer operations. it
seemed moderately certain that he jury
picked out to try him would in some
form or other be approached. and yet
when the Judge, taking cognizance of all
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-24

lack of interest, anyhow. I never did
notice so many people talking politics
And about fifty times a day / hear some
body offer to bet somebody else a thou
sand dollars and another man take him
up. But as neither has more than 81 ID
and both are aware of the fact they final
ly compromise by betting a drink All
muh! Times amt what they was
=.
D ERHAPS this is an old one. but
anyhow it worked on a young
chap who thought he had it all figured
out just why William Jennings Bryan
is going to be our newt President and
who takes it perso~ when any one
says that the Pc IS Leader will not
The young cl p was standing side
ways against lie mahogany, spouting
good democracy as fast as he could. He
ranted and raved, he gestured and
carried on something fierce. He had it
all down pat and had the latest catch.
words of the political speakers at his
tongues end.
You all know that chap. He is the
Kind that points with pride" to the
record of unsullied fame" and throws
the hooks into the opposition with
such ferocity that some one invariably
mods head and says: Bright fellow
that
Well he was going along at forty
mile-an-hour verbal pace. telling 'em
just how the Peerless Leader is going
to get there on skates. just how he has
already ordered new name plate for
the White House door and ordered a
special brand of initiated and scented
soap for the Executive Mansion.
Take the bank guarantee--''
But a quiet faced man interrupted
the speaker by saying that if Bryan
is elected every bank in the country
will be closed four months after he
takes the oath of office.
He might as well have lit a skyrocket
and expected it to remain docile as
think that punch in the ribs like
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-24

don, "the d-t-looking horse I ever saw
Whereupon Baumgartner jumped on
Hogdon and beat him up whole lot. The
latter sued for damages
Now listen to the decision of the court
in the case. 'The remark" say the
learned judges. was no pretext for the
assault. and is not a proper subject for
consideration in mitigation of damages.
1t was at most disrespectful to the horse.
and he was not present" Moreover the
judges say they have right to assume
that the animal was endowed with the
usual amount of horse sense. and had
the remark been overheard by him he
would have dismissed 1t without reply
as the opinion Of one not competent to
speak on the subject"
III leave 1t to anybody il that isn't
real soul-satisfying decision
WONDER what's the matter with all
=" the real sports of Washington these
days? Something is wrong surely. for or
dinarily SO near election there's whole
lot Of money and regular bundles of GER
titled checks being filed for reference with
accommodating Stockholders. At one rum
orium on Newspaper row, which is much
frequented by newspaper men who smoke.
the head bartender commented dolefully
on the decadence CT the times.
ouI ears ago Al tnlS Time, MOURN
ed he, Il was holding several thousand
dollars in stakes. most of 1t in middling
stable bets. This year nobody has put
up a dollar, and / amt holding nothing.
The only commissions in that line I've got
up to date are to remind one man to buy
another a hat If Bryan is elected. and to
produce a signed and sealed election bet
agreement in which, If the democrats win,
one blamed idiot is to stand on his head
over there in the corner while t'other
blamed idiot pours dark beer down his
nigh trouserleg."
l asked the mourful mixologist to what
he attributed the decline in this sort of
thing.
Blamed il l know" said he. 1T amt
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-24

that would go unnoticed. The young
politician reared up and struck out with
all four feet. He waved arms and painted
pictures and called names. He spiurged
and plunged and dived down into an
ocean of word pictures. and came to
the surface putting and painting with
politics simply dripping from him. He
nearly had heart failure in his attempt
to defend the slandered party
Then again spoke the quiet one:
EMANCIPATION day. 1 believe. will be
on March 4. Four months after that
date is Fourth of July. Will the banks
And I guess everybody took another
on that.
SUPPOSE there's everything in the
/ point of view One Of the closing days
of the extremely frosty mixed horse show
and race meet at Benning last week 1
heard three or four stable boys solemnly
discussing the election. Apparently they
read every paper every day, for they all
were familiar with Bryan's sixty-fourth
open letter to Roosevelt and Roosevelt
ninety fourth reply to Bryan. They had
heard that Senator Foraker had been slid
into the discard and they knew where all
the candidates had spoken, were speaking
ana Wnere tney were gong 10 SPEAK Dut
they never mentioned New York state or
Gov. Hughes. which struck me as re-
markable, as 1t was apparent they were
all from the little old town and natu-
rally might be expected to have some
thing to say about the author of the
anti-racing legislation.
Finally l butted In with question as
to how New York was going. There was
an icy silence. 1t was very evident the
lads considered me too dumb even for
brief enlightenment. Three of them gave
me the long, cold stare treatment, but
the fourth was younger and took pity on
me.
DO" said he. Eyer ought to cut out
the hop and get wise. Up in New York
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-24
RTFF III -1N

under the pinpoint focus of his bright
hazel eyes. and remarked unto him In a
tone that was redolent of meaning and
business:
Say, Butch. stop that gnashing Of all
the enamel off your teeth and sprinkling
the floor with pumice stone. IT.. too nice
weather for that stuff. Cut out that
xylophone work and hand us a little of
the WOODY saxophone music for change.
Nobody's abusing you. Nobody's got you
under the gun. Take a reef or two in
your tops'l halyards and tinkle out of this
Turkestan typhoon that you're In. or the
first thing you know you'll be reduced to
about two quarts of lubricating oil, and
it'll serve you right. We promised to fin
ish and deliver your laundry by o'clock
this evening. didn't We? Well, just you
make a noise like hoop, now, and roll
away to your chambers. and you'll prob
ably find your lingerie heaped up on your
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-24

Dye think I'm going to vamp out of this
town in suit of coal heavens dungarees?
Have you got the idea in your conIz that
I'm going to glide up and down the
street of the town I'm going to ar
rayed in G string and an effulgent grin
Dye imagine that I'm going to strive
to make a three-sheet hit on the thor
oughfares of that burg attired In a
Navajo blanket and a cocoanut- oiled top
knot? Dye think I'm going to stand
for a pinch by walking around the H.
Illuminated sections Of that place in a suit
of baby blue pajamas? Say. you gimme
my laundry-I don't care whether it's
doused in blueing or not-I want it!'
Just at this stage the proprietor OF the
laundry emerged from the back room.
walked around the counter to where the
customer with the Sahara simeon on was
standing, grabbed him by both lapels
of his coat with his sinewy hands, put him
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-24

bunk. The wagons were all out and we
rang up messenger boy and sent ii to
your address just two and one-quarter
minutes before you cycloned in here with
your blaze on. My young man has been
trying to tell you this for the past
eighteen minutes. but you've been too
BUSY with your turret batteries to hear
him. Now will you be docile?'
"Oh, neutrality-suspicious. I have
been too upstage." mildly remarked the
man who had been in the dog-days fume
only two minutes before. and then he
mopped his brow in an apologize sort of
way and vamped out
you've got to learn to pass ii back
to 'em just as they hand it out to you.
Ethelbert or you'll never be a Knockout
in the laundry business. the proprietor
observed to his young man. Then, Say,
where the devil is his stuff, anyhow"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-24

ems they're going to be able to prove it.
Meeting Charming Pollock. the young
Washingtonian. who has written lot
of plays that play and produce royalties.
/ asked him what he thought OF the new
school for playwrights.
Grand and gorgeous idea he whis-
pered. "Everybody's bound to enter the
school. and they'll all have to attend the
theater to get ideas. and it'll help bust
ness. We can keep a-going merely on the
wrights' pupils. Bully proposition.
Boost 1t along"
f. H. Sothern thinks differently. isn't
the paper trust fat enough now" he in
quired, gnomically and graphically and
things when the proposition was passed
along to him. Gle meant that the pu-
pils'll use lots Of paper in writing their
plays. you see. Mr.. Sothern was ever
subtle.)
Anyhow. we're all going to join. TIN
be larks whatever else It'll be. Mr.. Be-
lasco will. 1t is understood start the ele-
mentary classes off in the right direction
by instructing with the aid OF mannikins-
little blocks of wood hewn in the form
of men and women. That's the way he
writes his own plays. you know-just
plays checkers. as II were, at the play
writing job; passes his mannikin char
acters back and forth on the board
(stage) until he gets the hull scheme
blocked out In his mind. Then the plays
all done, so far as he's concerned. The
words are nothing. mere piffie. marsh
mallows. gum drops. How are you
making out with your new play? some
body asked Mr.. Beiasco a while back
"First-rate.' replied that renowned
dramatist. Its all but finished Com
plete, except for the dialogue. Til have
that done by tomorrow afternoon"
Had you seen most OF the plays pro.
duced here thus far this season, only to
be incontinently and properly thrust into
the discard after a week or so, you
would be saying that the need is, not
for a school, but for 4 sanAtorium for
playwrights. However
oh. well, why shouldn't everybody
banker 10 be a playwright, now that
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-24

there wasn't any party Of the second
part 1t was more Of a challenge or de-
fiance. by the terms Of which Baltimore
lawyer undertook. in the event OF losing
TO impair and clog his digestive apparatus
hopelessly and to gain nothing whatever
IL his proposition should win out.
This thing happened at the time the
Poe amendment was up for consideration
bv the electorate of Maryland. This Bal
,imore lawyer, a hot Gormanite. was
keenly for Senator Germans project
which would virtually have resulted In
the Acknowledgement of the colored voters
Of Maryland On the day before the cleo
ton bunch of the Baltimore lawyers
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-24

ing vat or not. I'm a-going to tote it
away with me, if I have to lug part of
these works with 1t. So you want to get
active and hand it to me. wet or dry.
or stand by to clear ship for action,
dye hear that?"
I'm trying to tell you that your stun
was
WAS delayed in transit-uh- huh-I've
had that one pulled on me lot of previ-
Gus times. too. But there's going to be
no such thing as your greasing by with
that one this trip. When I handed that
outfit of lingerie over to this plant We'd
nesday evening. l told you pinheads that
is right now, dye get that?-right now!
You famed me along with a consignment
of superheated atmosphere about having
it marked special and having 1t all
sealed, signed and delivered by o'clock
Friday evening-which, repeat, is NOW!
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-24

take the place of that lingerie gear with
me. 1 want that linen junk. swabbed or
unswabbed. and l want it right now.
Got that?"'
Your stuff is"
"Oh, I've heard that kind of a spiel
about nine million times before, but
you're not a-going to zephyr me along
with it this time. You're going to try to
fan me with the gnome narrative that
my stuffs all swabbed and ironed and
ready. but that it isn't sorted out yet
that your regular sorter's hat blew off
or something while he was out at lunch
today. and that you had to get slow
man to fill his Job, and all like that-a-
way. But you're not going to ease that
one into me this time. Johnny. I'm
doing the spotlight part of this sketch
myself, and what want is my laundry
and I don't care a hang whether It's
dripping with suds right out of the boil
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-24

and you" the young man behind the
desk started to say, not yet realizing that
he was only going to a feeder for the
caloric monologue.
That's who I am" shouted the man
with the perspirey forehead and things.
land 1 want to tell you here and now that
it isn't going to be worth your while to
try to pump any south breeze into me.
What I demand to know, and to know
real quick, Bub, Is this: Where's my
laundry hey?"
Its
'It's got to be done, that's all. There
are no ifs, ands or puts about It. Your
DANCED old one-horse outfit promised to
have it done by o'clock this afternoon,
and 1 want 1t, that's all. No blast fur
mace Boreas conversation is going to
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-24

there amt nothin' to do hut count the
vote. Hughes amt goin' TO carry so much
precinct
u EFERRING again to Senator Tillman.
IN Everybody who talked with him
when he was in Washington the other
day remarked that. while his utterances
were Just as characteristic as ever. there
were no frills or oral decorations that
couldn't have been uttered in an old
maids home. While the senator isn't in
the same class with Uncle Joe Cannon
when 1t comes to garden and fancy pro-
family and expletives of all kinds. yet.
been warm enough to scrape the paint
or barn. So newspaper man who
talked for some time with Mr.. Tillman
and who remarked the absence of verbal
tabasco. inquired about It,
What's the matter, SENATOR" he ash
ed. have you sworn off cussing."
The senator stretched his mouth into
that terrifying grin of his. No" he re-
piled. except in English. While l was
abroad l got interested in Spanish and
family that language Is in class by It
self. Shucks! I'll bet the President OF
the Senate will have some trouble in
calling me to order hereafter"
Won't 1t be joyous to hear rolling
Castilian swears coming out of that pic
turesque South Carolina face?
NNE of our leading dry goods mer-
~ chants who would perhaps like to be
mentioned on this page. but who cannot,
was the silent partner on a little JOY
trip down the river last week. He is
about eighty years old. wears a vest that
is never buttoned. has a chest which has
slipped beneath his belt and has other
marks of advancing senility, and yet the
boys cannot get the better of him. They
took him on the trip because they thought
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-24

.anculdly Didn't have any wal-us pups
or deep-sca manatees o. ocean cows for
sale too. did hep
They certainly We're the dears.' said
Nrx Jobson, properly ignoring Mr.. job
sons query. 4 was crazy for one Of
ten"
"Uh-luI,'' grunted Mr. Jobson. "Of
course. You were crazy TO get one. That
tsn't the only thing you were crazy about
,oday and yesterday and day before yes
terday and last year. You can get crazier
and keep craz,er about some crazy things
than anybody within radius OF seven
teen miles from this habitation. You
ought to take something for it. You're
lust As liable to break into violence as not,
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-24

won't hamper her any. She'll be kicking
other unsuspicious people around the gut
tiers OF New York presently. Nellie stands
in you see. She's been arrested for SIM
liar robberies In New York no less than
fourteen times. and still Nellie doesn
know what the inside of sure-enoush
corrective institution looks like. She's al
ways squirmed out of trouble.
Only one way to behave over here when
these Nellies nudge over toward you as
II to ask YOU something. and that's TO
gather up your moccasins and go ay-way,
yes, anyway, Jack Dalton, from theah.
NOBODY ever accused this talented
~ Lord Northcliffe person of being
''there with the OIL" ] refer. OF course,
to the man who's better known in this
country as Sir Alfred Harmsworth. the
genius in the newspaper-annexing line
who now is chief owner Of the London
Times. Met this stocky Englishman (who
looks and talks and acts more like an
American than a Britisher) at the St.
Regis the other day. just after he re-
turned to New York from Washington.
Certes. of course. had to ask him:
''And how did you like Washington"
''Most beautiful city on the globe!" he
broke out, rapturously. and not even
guessing, either. that his questioner was
a Washingtonian. Don't know of place
in the world where ia rather live than
Washington. 1t has color, atmosphere.
distinction, sheer beauty - everything.
Charming. exquisite city-far and away
the loveliest Of American cities. the equal
OF Buda- Pesth in everything. and I like
Buda-Pesth more than any other Euro
pean city"
Neat kind Of boost. that. coming from
one OF the most Travelled men in the world
Serves to confirm what we all know.