The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-06-03


aggressive knock Of a landlord after
back rent nor yet the half hearted
knock Of his laundress come for the 50
he was owing. but yet feeling that she
would eve handle a penny of it. and
at the third knock the major rose up
and opened the door. and his heart beat
again as he found a stranger there.
us this Major C%rofoot's Officer" was
asked.
ut Is. Come in."
"I'm looking for the Major Crofoot
that has all sorts Of good things to in
vest in"
"Then you have come to the right
place. Have a chair"
"Thanks. Now. then, I don't wish to
take up your valuable time. Have you
got anything good on hand? want
something perfectly safe that win re-
turn me 0 or 10 per cent on the money"
The major began rubbing his hands
and almost gasped for breath. An
other sucker had come along at last.
AS 500 as he could work up a smile
and control his voice he said:
NY uCAl OIL, L blSC SoI AuIA u OOACu
of the best things going. When you
speak of 8 or 10 per CEN dividends it
makes me smile. l don't deal in such
small fish. Anything I take hold Of
must pay 30 per cent or l drop it."
Good Lordw calculated the caller as
he sat up.
Thirty per cent at least, sir. What
would you say to stocks paying dollar
for dollar?"
"Can 1t be possible?"
"Perfectly possible, my dear sir. The
Great American Chicken Gizzard com.
pany is going to do better than that
this year. The fowls are fed on chalk
and their gizzards thus whitened. They
are then cooked. spiced and canned.
We shipped 10000 cans to the car Of
Russia yesterday. He has no gizzard of
his own, you know"
".And If I put in a thousand dollars |
get the same amount back in dividends
each year?"
"There Is no more stock for sale, my
dear sir. I just mentioned the Giz-
Zard company as a sample Of my work.
There is the Perennial Cucumber CON-
pany. but I'm afraid it's hardly good
enough for you. 1t won't pay owe 10
per cent this year."
But I'm willing to take 10 per cent"
replied the man. Gee whiz, but what
maj a ask for more than that:"
Every fair, very fair" loftily replied
the major. but nothing to brag Of. Be
ing you have come direct to the office.
I want to pick You out something ex-
ira. Let me see, The Universal Glass
Eye company paid 60 per cent divi-
dends two years go. but last year
dropped down to 50. It will be still
less than that this year on account of
hard times. Lots of one eyed people
will stick a patch ver the eye and let
it go at that. II you'd come In a
month ago l could have let you in on
the ground floor Of the Magic Rat and
| Mouse Destroyer. The stock went like
wildfre, and the last was sold at 5000.
We figure it will pay 400 per cen divi-
dends for the next twenty years"
And l can't get in. Thunder. but
why didn't I know about to-
Greatest Thing In World.
Greatest thing in the world. my
dear sir. 1t is Il trap that goes to the
grocery and buys the cheese to bait it.
self and then comes home and follows
rats and mice into their holes to catch
them. Keeps its W tally and buries
its " dead. Senator Foraker said
he would rather be the inventor of that
trap than to be president Of the United
States"
"But you must have something fol
tones.
Let me see. Let me see: Humph'