davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1908-12-18

Aren't men apt to desert their gar
risons at this time to get to their
homes for the holidays?" he was
asked
NO." replied the sergeant, whose
many service stripes, several of which
had the white edging to indicate actual
field service in the islands, indicated
that he might be relied upon as an au-
thority. Then he reasoned it this way:
"You see the man who has got a
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1908-12-18
DISTEMP PER

In all its forms among all ages of
horses, as well as dogs, cured and others
in same stable prevented from having the
disease with SPOHN'S DISTEMPER
G ~ RE Every bottle guaranteed 20 Over d
sl.OO. Any good druggist, or send to manu-
facturers. Agents wanted. Spohn Medical
Co., Spec. Contagious Diseases, Goshen, Ind.
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1908-12-18
Not for Him.

The Poet-I understand you have
furnished rooms for rent?
The Landlady-The only thing ]
have at present is handsomely fur
nished suite on the first floor.
The Poet-Tm afraid that would be
a little too sweet for me-
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1908-12-18
RLSJeC/A

The succeeding days were ones of
never ceasing delight to the housewife
and her corps of welltrained cooks and
helpers. Cakes by the dozen were
mixed, baked and set away; cakes the
recipes for which are priceless to-day;
pastry of every description, and invari-
ably these were made in sufficient guam
titles to carry the family and their
score of guests through the holiday
season, for Christmas always extended
over the New Years day. With prep
arations for Christmas complete, the
house is set in order for its influx of
guests. The choicest linen, spiced and
snowy in its cleanliness, is brought forth
from the great linen presses, and all
the spare beds in the house made up.
Then follows the decoration. In each
room, living-rooms as well as bed cham
bers, blazing logs crackle upon the
hearth. windows are feStOOnod with
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1908-12-18


containing the
Gathering dnngroom
with Christmas eggnog
of
the hours the their stockings hhd
that which
the front gifts which
aduouy
around Then household which
followed the midday Christmas blazing
pudding, prepared
what they were turkeys roasted
slons
things that only housewife
heaped the table, while
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1908-12-18

Every man should be hero at least
once during his career for the sake
of his prospective grandchildren, If for
no other reason.
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1908-12-18
LID is ON.

Aren't you almost ready for
church,"
I'm sorry, but something dreadful
has happened. / can't go to church
to-day"
For heavens sake, what has hap
pened?"
"The cook is wearing one just like
minei"
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1908-12-18

We buy cream Write desk No. for prices.
The Crescent Creamery Co., st. Paul.
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1908-12-18

There are nearly SS,0O0,c00 sheep
in Australia and New Zealand, 10000
900 cattle and 1871 900 horses.
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1908-12-18

PILES CURED IN TO Ia DAYS.
PAZO OINTMENT is guaranteed to cure any case
of Itching, Blind, Bleeding or ProJruding Piles in
6 to IA days money refunded. Soc.
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1908-12-18

The proportion of left-handed people
is one in six.
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1908-12-18

: !
~ HRISTMAS is Its by
n sand and symbols that we
learned to love and associate the festival O
nativity of Christ This is
4 4 every country the globe where enlghening
Children is in the
EEHTNS$&E
the wall to apprise them of the
son which to them is synonymous with easing
making little
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10

stingeth not, neither does 1t help peo-
pie to bite the dust?"
You won't find these exact words in
history, Bunch, because julius gasped
them in Latin, and Latin hates to get
itself translated.
Many other times in the ages
passed did buttermilk come to the
surface, so you may take it from me.
Bunch, that 1t is lucky to drink it.
Yes, Bunch. and I'll give you my
solemn word that buttermilk will re-
move freckles.
Catch the freckle just before going
to bed and wrap the buttermilk
around it.
was reading book on the train
the other day which attempted to put
me wise to the reincarnation gag. It's
far shout from buttermilk to rein.
carnation, Bunch, but maybe you need
something like that last thing, after
so much buttermilk.
Reincarnation is a long, loose-look-
ing word, and to perfect stranger
it might sound suspicious, but its
bark is worse than its bite.
The idea of man being somebody
else in a previous existence, then
switching to another personality in
the present, is interesting to think
about, to say the least
I've cooked up three or four studies
along these lines which may interest
you, Bunch!
Go to it, my boy
FIRST STUDY.
The ghost of julius Caesar looked
threateningly at Brutus, the Stabbist:
Brutus sneered.
"You," he said, ito the mines!"
Not one of Caesars muscles quiv
cred.
Brutus used a short, sharp laugh.
YOU" he said, ION your way!"
Caesar never batted an eyelash.
Brutus pointed to the rear.
go away back" he said, "and use
your laziness!"
Caesar pulled his toga up over his
cold shoulder.
Brutus laughed again, and 1t was
the saucy, triumphant laugh of the
man who lodges In front of woman
and grabs a seat on the elevated rail
road
"The next time we meet you will
not do me as you did me at the base
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10
BUTTERlNlLK AND FAME

Perhaps some scientist will explain
what there is in churned milk which
makes men wax great. Think of a
Scotchman like Andrew Carnegie tell
ing what benefits may be derived from
this mild intoxicant, praising 1t far
above the best Scotch ever distilled.
President Roosevelt has doomed a
roadside house in the National Rock
Creek reservation in Washington on
account of the excellent brand of but
termilk which may be imbibed ON its
shady veranda. The house sells more
exhilarating drinks, but through its
buttermilk 1t is famous. The presi-
dent and his friends drop In there at
least once day for drink and some
times several times when the air Is
torrid Gen. Miles drinks buttermilk
and 80 does Admiral Dewey. Vice
President Fairbanks has said In the
presence of veritable witnesses that
earth contains nothing finer in the
way Of food and drink than a slice Of
custard pie and glass of cold, fresh
buttermilk. The cocktail man Is lone
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10
Why Women Grow Fat.

There are more fat women to the
square mile in New York than in any
other city of the United States" said
a dealer in an anti-fat preparation.
How do | account for SO much obesity ?
Well. suppose because this is city
Of such long distances and here are
30 many surface and elevated car lines
In all directions that women get into
the habit of riding wherever they go.
They soon become lazy and think they
will feel fatigued IL they walk six
blocks. Then they eat heartily and
are too fond OF sweetmeats. The fair
sex seem to be more worried over be-
Ing fat than thin, though think Of the
two fat woman never looks as bad 40
fat man, because her clothes help to
hide her ungracefui proportions"
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10
self DElUSIoN
Many People Deceived by Coffee.

We like to defend our indulgencies
and habits even though we may be
convinced Of their actual harmful
ness.
A man can convince himself that
whisky is good for him on cold morn
ing, or beer on hot summer day
when he wants the whisky or beer.
It's the same with coffee. Thousands
Of people suffer headaches and nerv-
BUSINESS year after year but try to
persuade themselves the cause is not
cofYee-because they like coffee.
''While yet q child commenced u.s.
ing coffee and continued It," writes q
Wis. man, until was regular cof-
fee fiend. drank 1t every morning
and In consequence had binding
headache nearly every afternoon.
my folks thought It was coffee that
allied me, but liked 1t and would not
admit 1t was the cause OF my trouble.
SO stuck to coffee and the headaches
stuck to me.
FINALLY, the folks stopped buying
coffee and brought home some Postum.
They made It right directions ON
pkg.) and told me to see what differ
ence II would make with my head. and
during the first week on Postum my
old afiiction did not bother me once.
From that day to this we have used
nothing but Postum In place Of cot
fee-headaches are thing Of the past
and the whole family is in fine health" !"
Postum looks good, smells good,
tastes good, is good. and does good to
the whole body" There's Reason. "
Name given by Postum Co.. Battle
Creek. Mich. Read "The Road to Well.
yille,' In pkgs.
Ever read the above Ietterf A new
one appears from time to time. They
are genuine. trus, and full u human
interest,
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10

of Pompey's statue" said the ghost
OF Caesar, speaking for the first time
since we began this study.
I'VE will not mest again because
I refuse to associate with you" said
Brutus.
Caesar smiled, but It was without
mirth, and as cold as the notice Of sus-
pension on the door of a bank.
Yes, we will meet again." said
Caesar. Il
"Where?" asked Brutus.
I'm the far, far future" said the
ghost Of Caesar, shriekingly, you will
be born into the world again by that
time, and In your new personality you
will be one of the Common People,
and you will burn gas"
"And your" inquired Brutus.
II will be the spirit which puts the
ginger in the gas.meter, and may
Heaven have mercy on your pocket
book" shrieked the ghost Of Caesar.
Brutus took fit, and used 1t for
many minutes, but the ghost kept on
shrieking in the Latin tongue.
SECOND STUDY.
Napoleon stood weeping and wafling
and gnashing his eyebrows on the
battlefield Of Waterloo.
He was waiting for the moving
picture man to get his photograph.
The victorious Wellington made his
appearance, laughing loudly in his
sleeve.
Back, Nap! Back to the Boulevard
des Dago!" commanded Wellington.
Napoleon put his chin on his wish.
bone and spoke no word.
"You," said Wellington; you to the
Champs Elisa! This is my victory,
and you must leave the battlefield
1t is time to close up for the night"
1--WE will meet again, MILFORD" an.
swered Napoleon. "Avec beau temps
isl bong swat"
What does that mean?" asked Wei.
lington.
1T means that the next time we
meet I will do the swatting," an
swered Napoleon, bitterly.
"And when will that be?" inquired
Wellington, laughing loudly.
IN the far, far future" replied
the Little Corporal. "You will thep
be one Of the Common People"
"And what will you be?" Wellington
asked
You will live in Brooklyn," Ma
poleon went on, like man In Q
dream; "and l will be the spirit ol
progress, which will meet you at tht
Brooklyn Bridge at eventide and kick
you in the Stats until your appetite
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10
What Poultry Man Says About 20
Mule Team Borax.

As I am in the poultry business,
had ten white chicks to wash and
prepare for show. I used "20-Mule
Team" Soap for washing the birds,
and 1 can say from years of ex-
perience washing white birds. never
before have I found soap or
Borax that cleaned my birds 80 fine
and easy. had great deal Of com.
ment on my birds being so white.
J. A. Dinwiddie. New Market, Tenn.
All dealers--h, and s lb. cartons.
Sample and booklet, &c. Pacific
Coast Borax Co., Chicago.
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10

d drink is only for mollycoddles and
pink fingers. 1t doesn't make rich
blood in the veins like the hard cider
get at March's. Avaunt and raus
mittim!"
But please don't go to that cafe
this morning" Calathumpia kept on
pleading. Stay at home just this
once and spread some of this delicious
buttermilk over your thirst"
mo buttermilk this day for me-"
answered julius. ~ seek a vintage
more expensive, and which tickles
more as it goes down."
THE tides of March," whispered
his wife; remember the tides of
March,"
would this be the first tide l ever
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10
The oId-TIme Boy.

The boy of to-day who complains OF
anything should be made to read the
rules and regulations laid down for
boys in old colonial days. He had to
stand up at the table. He must go to
bed at candlelight. He must not sit
down in the presence of visitor He
must not shout. He must not run
without cause. He must not throw
stones at animals or birds. He must
not idle on the street, and II he had
been found trying to stand on his
head he would have gone to jail for
week
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10
Warm Welcome Assured.

And you say you haven't been home
all the afternoon?" reprimanded the
old lady on the bridge.
"No'm," confessed the small boy
with wet hair.
well, why don't you go home right
away? Your mother will be wearing
her soul away for you"
The little boy was thoughtful.
"Yessum, but IL / get there before
my hair dries she will be wearing a
shingle away for me. You see, I've
been in swimming"
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10
JOH IN H|ElNlp1
77Itht{|l|svfG Gs f2esn'.x:
ON
eY GEO. Y. HOBART, t"HueA M,HueA."l

got from March," Julius whispered
back.
"The tides of March, remember"
was her only answer; and away went
julius to the cafe in the Forum, Civ.
ing an imitation of Joe Weber
whistling Girls! Girls!" from the Bur
lesque of "The Merry Widow" which
was then running at the Amphitheater.
What happened in the Forum when
the loafers used Julius Caesar for Q
pin-cushion everybody remembers.
And when julius dropped on the
marble slab at the base of the bar he
gasped out: Darn the luck! Why
didn't fall for the buttermilk which
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10
BY Inference,

The magistrate looked severely at
the small, red,faced man who had
been summoned before him, and who
returned his gaze without fiinching.
$50 you kicked your landlord down
stairs?" said the magistrate. did you
imagine that was within the rights of
tenant?"
'Ill bring my lease in and show 1t
to you" said the little man, growing
still redder, "and I'll wager you'll
agree with me that anything they've
forgotten to prohibit in that lease l
had right to do the very first good
chance I got."--Youth's Companion.
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10
Have Learned to Dress WeII.

Ellen Terry says that when she
came to this country in 1888 some of
the women wore Indian shawls and
diamond earrings on the street, dress
ing too grandly for the street and too
shabbily, for the theater. She now
finds that the women know how to
wear the demitoilet as we'll as their
French sisters and are beautifully
dressed, not only for the street, but in
full dress at the theaters.
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10

is unfit for publication. Bon soir mes
enfants du spitzbuben!"
Then the Little Corporal called q
cab and left wellington alone on the
battlefield.
Don't mind me, Bunch; there's nc
more harm in me than there is In q
rattlesnake. Yours as indicated,
J. H.
Copyright. 1908. by G. w. Dillingham; Coz
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10

The queen of Spain has made a
quick recovery, and has left her room,
while the new baby, now aged three
weeks, takes his first promenade In
the gardens OF La Granja. The first
thing we know, the youngster will be
riding pony and driving his elder
brother to do stunts over the garden
wall
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10
Absorbing.

Silas-Ha! Ha! Reuben got
bunkoed again.
Cyrus-Do tell! What was 1t this
time?
Silas-Why, Reuben saw an ad
that stated that for one. dollar they
would send him some of the most alb.
sorbing literature he ever read.
Cyrus-And what did they send
him?
Silas-Why, they sent him a pam
phlet entitled How Blotters Are
Made" and another entitled points
on Turkish Towels"
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10

Dear Bunch: I'm not yet hep to
this gag of hiking across the geogra.
ply from town to town, like hop.
toad in a cabbage.patch.
1t may be interesting to some peo-
pie, but 1t gets me peeved.
found your letter waiting for me
here.
So they've steered you up against
new cure for your dyspepsia, eh?-
buttermilk!
And great idea, Bunch, believe
me!
1t certainly is lucky to drink butter
milk.
Buttermilk Is to the worn-out sys-
tenn the same as fat-office is to a
stout politician.
AS thirst.splasher buttermilk Is the
one best bet, but don't ever tell any
one in Milwaukee that l made such
a statement.
Drink it, Bunch, every time you can,
because buttermilk comes down to us
from the remotest ages with splendid
recommendations.
Every great man in history was q
buttermilk drinker, Bunch.
Every great man who is now spend
ing his time trying to get into his
tory is buttermilk drinker, Bunch.
Read between the lines in your his
tory Of ancient Rome, and you will
see how buttermilk would have saved
the life of julius Caesar IL he hadn't
had such weakness for hard cider.
Where are you going?" inquired
Calathumpia, the wife of Julius
Caesar, as he fastened the gold safety
pin in his toga and reached for his
umbrella.
Il am going down to Rudolph
March's cafe in the Forum" an
swered Julius; you don't need to wait
lunch for me, Callie"
But, julius" whispered Calathum
pia; why do you spend so much time
at March's cafe in the Forum? II
isn't good place for you to go, my
dear. Besides, there is always 6
bunch of loafers hanging around tha
joint. Why don't you sit here at home
with me in the cool Stadium and drinl
buttermilk with your loving Calathum
pia?"
"Buttermilk!" sneered Julius; "sucl
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10

The following advertisement appears
in Hungarian journal: Experienced
person has opened a school for all
those who desire to perfect themselves
in the art of being humorous. Dry
Intellectual humor taught, as well as
ordinary witticisms of daily life
Demonstrations in practical jokes Il
desired" Here's a great opportunity
TOR the editor of London Punch.
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10

Latest disclosures of the inhuman
treatment of prisoners in Yekaterni,
st. Petersburg, are convincing that the
worst had not been previously told
about darkest Russia. But surely there
Is no worse to come.
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10

The shortest time around the world
Is claimed to have been made by Lieut..
Col. Burnley Campbell, who left Liv.
erpool on May 3, 1907, and ON his re.
turn landed at Dover ON June 13, 1907,
covering the circuit in 40 days and
19hhours.
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10

Prof. George E. Palmer of Harvard
university in a recent lecture said in
substance: THE scientific world
swung to Darwinism and then
swung back; the religious world
swung over to the scientific position,
and is swinging back"
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10

This proposition to give every horse
employed In the postoffice department
80 days summer vacation further H.
lustrates the comparative luxurious
ness of working for Uncle Sam even
on modest salary. He's easy.
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10

The meanest man in the world has
been arrested in New York on the
charge of cheating poets. He not only
stole their songs, but also the money
they sent with the verses in a prize
competition. A man who would de.
fraud hardworking union poet should
be made to read all the poetry he re.
ceiyed.
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10

A well-known French physician has
written long article upon the useful
ness of tears, but he fails to note the
fact that they ofen procure for wom-
an her own way when dealing with
hard-hearted man. No woman who
uses her ability to cry Alright will
agree with the person who speaks of
useless tears"
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10

Now that wireless telephone mes
sages have been successfully trans
mitted over IL miles between Newark
and New York, the future of wireless
telephony seems bright.
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10

Peary's last expedition northward
Is being referred to as "a race to the
pole" If only there was general be-
lief that he will cover the complete
stretch OF the racetrack the game
would be more exciting.
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10

Commander Peary knows now who
the candidates Of the great political
parties are, but he will have to wait
until next summer to find out who
has been elected.
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10
Near a Bad Bargain.

The agent of the titled wooer found
that the ambitious American girl had
only $150,000 year.
( OF course. he advised his principal
to withdraw.
But" insisted the latter. II could
scrape along on $4,000 a year."
Possibly. but who'd support your
wife?"
Even love could put forth no argu-
ment against this.
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10

A New York thief was arrested,
tried, convicted, sentenced and started
for prison within "a hours. However,
he is permitted to take his time about
serving his term.
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10

The newest and finest passenger
steamer has telephone in every
stateroom, thus enabling passengers
who are seas:tk to call one another up
and describe in detail all their symp-
toms.
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10

II Anna Gould's marriage should
turn out happily, how surprised every
one would be!
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10

The board of education in Shanghai,
China, has decided to punish the teach
ers of schools who report that some
of the students are too bad to be edu'
Gated
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10

The worldwide steel trust is warned
not to give cause for an alteration Of
vowels in it's name.
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10

A celebrated ornithologist says that
butterflies are the best actors in the
world, and he was not speaking OF
summer girls, either.
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10

some these days, and he sneaks of
by himself to indulge. Buttermilk has
the place Of honor for those who wish
to be counted among the truly great.
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10

There are some people who didn't
even look at their money after read
ing of the ten-dollar counterfeit bills.
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10

Castro needs a little primary In
struction as to who we are.
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10

Persians now have the massacre
fever. Oh, civilization is spreading,
all right.
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10

A New York woman committed sui
eide because she couldn't pay her
rent. Some people go to extremes In
trying to fool the landlord.
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10

War balloonists are beginning to
make battle.ships look old fashioned.
The Jasper news. [volume] (Jasper, Missouri) 1898-1924, 1908-09-10

"You certainly wouldn't marry a girl
for her money. would you, Tom?"
"Of course not; neither would have
the heart to let her become an old
maid because she happened to be well
or"