davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-28
g., ~NT<@@5k&aaM~<S- @

lead I'D to the main floor from the grill,
knee'd all the way up the stairs. kneed
right through the beautiful lobby to the
door on 42d street, knee'd right through
the swinging doors. knee'd right across
the wide pavement to the curb. and then
with some final kneeing were inconti-
nently booted into the +2d street gutter
Oh, but weren't those nine mad-uh
though, They picked themselves up
from the moist. greasy pavement and
brushed 'emselves off and said. ooo-ooh,
such wicked wicked things. and then. as
by common impulse. they hustled back
together toward the door through which
they had been knee'd.
Their idea, of course. was that they'd
-er-that they'd
But they didn't carry out the idea.
anyhow. Because, standing all in COM
pact group before one of the brilliantly
lighted windows. were the fifteen quiet
individuals dressed as walters. just stand
ing there waiting. sort o. that's all.
The nine looked them over and then
they looked sort of hang-dog at each
other and then they must have made up
their individual and collective minds that
maybe it wouldn't get em anything IL
they tried to pass through that swinging
door again; and so. with their shoulders
considerably hunched forward, and all
of the gayness apparently removed from
their midriffs, they slouched down the
street.
Nearly all of the first-rate eating places
In New YORK nave hau tnese Douncers
that look like walters on their regular
STATS during the present foot ball sea-
son. And the bouncing squads have de-
livered the goods and made it possible
for decent folk to eat in a New York
eating place on big foot ball night
without being outraged and scoffed at and
messed around and made miserable by
a lot of cubs of the type that have been
having the rough stuff all to themselves
in the restaurants of New York for 0
couple Of decades.
CLARENCE L. CULLEN.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-28

verge of nervous prostration or anything
if a lot of collegiate clips. in the progress
Of their hurting around catsup and ia
basco sauce bottles and such condiments
Won wouldn't even be intensely amused.
now, would you, If the female person
seated on the other side of the table hap
pened to get her nice clothes all Uttered
up with the contents of the flying bottles?
And again Even unself1sh as we know
Won to be- YOU wouldn't yourself, when
loaves of bread and rolls and maca rooms
and such like were being tossed gayly
around by the collegian leases celebrating
the foot ball game-why. You wouldn't
lust chortle and roll around in inextin-
guishable glee If. say, the point of
hurled loaf of French bread caught you
right slnack-dab in the eye and necessi-
tated your abandoning your evenings
amusement for the purpose OF busting
out in a taXicab to find an oculist?
We ween not. We sure do 50 ween and
Ween and Ween again.
Well, for many, many years the foot
ball celebrants have been getting away
with It, The protests Of outraged 1ndi-
viduals thus afflicted in the leading eat
ing places of New York never availed any
on a big foot ball night. The professor
would Just be eased out and made to
stand for further indignities by the joy
Gus collegianS.
That's why. therefore, the motel folks
and the restaurateurs got quietly together
before the foot ball season began this
year and rugged up that cute little scheme
of theirs of having walters around their
dining rooms that don't wait.
They don't wait at all, but they certain
~ are efficient and sudden and brisk and
competent in their particular line.
Their particular line consists in picking
up obstreperous foot ball celebrators by
any old sort Of scrun that offers what
you used to call a "holt'' when you were
a small boy, and yanking the aforesaid
obstreperous celebrators right out into the
open air. to the accompaniment. often. Of
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-28

when | came upon a group of hghtSome
idiots who were laughing and chortling
and back-slapping and kidding and in
viting each other to step up and name
their poison. 7 stopped. I had violent
desire to punch one of them in the nose.
I considered it a personal affront for any
bunch of men to act so lightsomely on
such a morning. with the fog and mist
rolling Curtain-lke close to the house
tops and Influenza and grip and lumbago
and chills and colds in the head abroad
in the land. AS say 7 stopped.
Whereupon one of the party stepped up
to me without so much as by your
leave" extracted the busy handkerchief
from my right hand, felt of its texture
and handed it back. Then he jumped up
IN the air, cracked his heels together and
yelled "T win
And what do you vino I inquired.
Then came explanations. 1t seems that
they we're a bunch of drummers who had
peculiar reasons for being jublant One
of them sold handkerchiefs, another quiz
nire. another an excellent variety Of cold
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-28

foot ball season. Perhaps. however. the
connection. is still obscure and the rele-
vance strained.
Walters that don't wait, and this is the
foot ball season. That IS kind OF murky.
Wei. then. here IT Is: IT is because this
is the foot ball season that the proprie-
tors of hotels and restaurants and things
have engaged. this year, quite large num-
hers OF walters who don't wait. They
don't wait on table at all. you see. But
they are the dandiest little bouncers! See
il now Ell? OF course.
These walters who don't wait on table
are large muscled males. Some of them
are of the mixed-ale pugilistic guild. A
lot of them are attaches of public gym
nasia. To look a few of them over care
fully, you might easily judge that. when
they're working at their regular jobs.
they're lumberjacks or 'longshoremen.
Be that as 1t may they're strong peo-
pie Tarnation strong. And that's why
they're engaged, during the foot ball sea-
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-28

ute's luck in my life. that's all. and he
ran his fingers nervously through his
tousled hair and glanced around appre-
hensively. as if he expected almost any,
body to mooch along and hit him on the
back Of the beam with seventyeight-
pound dumbbell
"This then is where go on the rocks.
is it?'' he muttered again. 81 mign. just
as we'll stand out in the middle of the
street and let four or five automobiles
run over me. l wish some burned war
would break out, or something. Then [
could enlist. No use enlisting in the
pip
He was going to say piping times Of
peace" but he remembered that that was
reporters pet phrase, and so he saved
it up to be used the very next chance he
had in his copy.
And so, twisting and turning around in
his chair. trying to find some way out of
1t, once more he pulled the fatal slip of
paper out of his pocket and studied 1t
with the face of a man condemned to the
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-28

offered mere gold for the wild cat would
have been spurned. Would you not? You
would think that the genius, lit up and
feeling like a giant ready to run his
over the plate. Would you not?
But no. Some sordid crazy man came
along and offered the lit one $50, and the
profit on the deal was too much OF a
temptation. SO the world is spared an
other international. Notwithstanding nature
story. All. me! What do we come to?
WHEN ones wife is ava and laddie-
'" buck has tae find amusement for
his self That's Scotch That's the title
of a song 1 fain would sing, for list TO
me and I'll tell We how such things i'm
press muh.
For here it is This is the way the near
sport who has a slight resemblance to
the real thing enjoys life when his wife
is away. 1 CLEAN it from personal expert
ence. My wife is not away. but ] have
a friend whose wife is away and watch
ed him this week
First, he resolves not to go home once
before ) am. during the period of free
dom, and the first evening he davelishly
has dinner at his club. He has some
thing with an olive in It before dinner,
something else with dinner and smokes
a long cigar after dinner and feels like
colt. His vest feels comfortable and
his cheeks glow. while he looks OH the
real things in the sporting line his
boon companions and fellow-SoldierS i'll
the battle for existence.
And that night he goes to the theater.
Not the theater where the problem play Is
presented or where the drama Is slaugh-
tered, but to the theater where people
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-28

One of his friends. passing his table
just then noticed the sad, oh SO sad ex-
preston on the countenance of the news
paper reporter, nudged up to his table and
said:
Hey, what's coming off with you,
matey? Has she trun you DOWN.
"Worse'n that" almost walled the news
paper reporter in a tone that sounded
like the last expiring notes of cello
well. it sounded like a French horn or
something. anyhow. "Worse'n that but
nix the other word would he uncoil He
wasn't in an uncoilful humor. Because,
as perhaps has been vaguely stated some
where previously in this narrative, he
felt
Going to be a pretty hard winter, too,
all the wise guys are saying" he went on
to himself Hard winter. hey. and me
up against a gag like this? Well, 1 kind
o had hunch that I'd draw this fatai
number. It's just my blasted luck. OF
all the Internal lowbrows in the office,
why had to get it. ! never had min
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-28

ficers of the Marine Corps when announce
ment was made the other day of Presl-
dent Roosevelt's order detaching the ma
rines from ships.
I'm effect" continued the officer of
marines quoted above, the President S
order reduces the Marine Corps to the
status OF watchmen. Our business hence
forth will be to keep an eve on dock and
arsenal stores. The officers can stand
this, l dare say, If the enlisted men
can. OF course, the enlisted men can
stand it. too. But the question is VIII
they? The whole attractiveneSs OF the
Marine Corps, from the point of view OF
enlisted men who take on for our serv-
ice, is the cruising at seattle chance
to see the world as our enlfstment-lnVlt-
inp masters exnress it. Enlistments have
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-28
Co.. -9T<4@as$ 90

stuff. Spread yourself on this ana
there, at the bottom. were the adaman-
tine, the brutal initials of the city editor.
Do you wonder that he longed for q
war to break out or something?
However. all of a sudden, like flash Of
light, he had an inspiration.
At the same instant he slapped his thigh
a resoundng slap.
We'll. blast my fool pelt,'' he exclaimed.
what the dickens have 1 been worrying
about? Why, it's just as e-e-e-easy! Just
as e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-ea I'll dig back
to the files of the paper for the 1873 or
1915, or some piff1ing old year like that.
and I'll just crib the Thanksgiving day in
PRODUCTION printed in that year, and-well.
II that isn't a snap. And me sitting here
worrying like hunk of Swiss"
Whereupon he got UP. tossed his shout
ders back-quite distance back-and paid
his check with a flushed smile and strolled
airly into the night.
You can't keep a squirrel on the ground
nor beaver up a tree.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-28

like pease in a gourd?
This particular reporter. then, was sure
terrible gloomy-looking and no mistake.
His hair was disheveed, his collar was
sort o wited. though the weather was far
from warm, his cravat was all awry, and
there was d hunted and haunted express
sion in his lamps.
He tugged dismally. melancholyilyily at
his near-mustash, and after doing this for
a little while he just rested his hands in
his lap and proceeded to look gloomier
than ever.
He was making a bluff at partaking of
untasted food in a. restaurant. But the
food looked like so much shavings to him.
Everything looked shavings-lke and pif-
fling to him.
For why?
Because he was. as perhaps has been
limited at above, decidedly gal-loomy.
His friends, in passing the table where
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-28

SarrOte.
1t was a plain, gallery slip Of paper.
such as the city editors of newspapers
sometimes use in writing out the assign
ments of the reporters under them.
The gloomy newspaper reporter Of whom
now had received this slip from his city
editor about two hours before and this
was on the evening of Wednesday, the
25th of November.
The slip of paper. written by the cruel.
the callous, the heartless city editor, read
exactly as follows:
II want you to write the introduction
to our Thanksgiving day story for to-
morrow. Want early copy. too-must
have 1t very early. Make 1t dead new
stuff Want an original Thanksgiving
day lead. Never mind the old junk about
the national bird and all that. Want alb
solutely fresh stuff and entirely new meta
phors and figures and SO on. No illusions
to the Thanksgiving of the Puritans and
Pilgrims and all that rot. Just dead new
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-28

he sat, greeted him cheerily enough.
But nix. The big nix. He didn't hear
them. He didn't even see them. Why?
Because he was-well, you know what
he was.
His waiter gently leaned over his table
until his (the waiter's) hot breath was
caressng the hair of the newspaper re-
porter, and the waiter inquired solicitous-
ly:
"Boss. whut is yo all uh-gwine tub
have fo' dessubt?''
Nix again. The newspaper reporter
didn't even hear him.
Why? We ask once more. Well, be-
cause the newspaper reporter was-what
was sta ted above.
Well finally muttered the newspaper
reporter in d sepulchral. despairng tone.
Il guess it's about all off. I guess every
thing is about all off. I guess I'll have
to blow this town. ] don't know where
m going, but I guess I'm on my way all
right. Yes, I guess that guess all plain
enough. that's what I guess I guess"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-28

say?' she inquired calmly.
That's what I said,' snorted Mr.. Job
son. Robbers! DANCED measley robbers.
Daylight burglars. Second story men!
Porch clinbersl Thievesi Rascals!
Rogues, Cutthroats, Pirates, You heard
what l said. didn't you?"
Mrs. Jobson removed her eyeglasses and
wiped them gently with the sleeve of her
kimono and said, or started to say:
of course. my dear, if | had the slight
st idea in the world as to just what per-
sons you were alluding to. why I'd
'Oh. know what you'd do all right"
cut in Mi Jobson. You'd patronize the
thieves. You'd run to them with my
money and hand ii to 'em and beg 'em
10 take II! You break nineteen blood
vessels in your effort to reach their rob-
bers' plants so that you could let them
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-28
that the English know how to cut clothes

that the English know how to cut clothes
and we don't.
Mr. Wynne likes London pretty we'll
He has become used to freezing to death
in his office and his home and to bathing
in a canary birds tub, and he can eat fog
for breakfast. dinner and supper three
times a week. like a native. Also he Is
thinking of getting out a monograph on
why Americans Cuss.' He used to con-
sort with the 1urid and he knew FEW
ornate profanists in his time, but he de-
clares that after living in England, where
casual swearing is looked upon as the
worst possible exhibition Of bad taste. 1t
nearly turned him green to come back to
this country and listen to the converse
ton of our most genteel citizens.
II tell them over in London. he says
that Americans don't mean anything
when they swear: that it is merely some
thing of a safety valve. arrangement and
is just for fun. But they don't see the
fun of it and they don't understand my
explanation. They just look at me sol
emily and say:
MY word. If they don't mean it what
do they do it for? 1t seems so bally
silly, now doesn't it. What?
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-28

LEGATION the anti-alcohol movement will
sit up and take notice.
Mr. Romans book is guaranteed to
make the most confirmed topper that ever
drank before breakfast climb on the
water wagon in two jumps and sit there,
singing the praises of filtered water. for
the rest of his natural life. 1t has got
* pling's tremens verse about the blind
eyes that cried and couldn't be wiped
beaten to FRAGILE. 1t makes Dante's de-
scription of Infgrno seem like the praise
Of a new cold-storage plant. 1t makes
everything wiggly and weird and horrific
and mentally blasting that was ever put
into poetry or prose in English or any
other language seem mild and sweet aid
tame and comforting by comparison.
1t is predicted that it will do more for
the temperance cause and the uplift and
throw the hooks in the rum demon harder
than fifteen red-hot sermons plus the gold
cure. 1t is to sum up briefly. the final
word on the subject of the shakes.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-28

RoBERr J. WINE, who used to be
lot of fireworks while first assistant post
master general and later graduated from
the cabinet 10 the post of United States
consul general at London, is back in our
midst once more. Mr.. Wynne looks fat
and sassy and says he feels fine. Per-
haps it isn't just to him to say that he
looks fat. He Is as we'll upholstered as
of yore and doesn't reveal many angles.
but as a matter of fact people have been
telling him, since he has been over this
time, that he locks lots thinner. This
tickes him, but he's too honest to sail
under false colors-or weights He ex-
plains that he hasn't lost a pound. but
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-28

TYERE is the thing l object to. It's
! splendid example Of the growing in
feriority of our leading writer's. 1t shows
that the greed for gold overshadows. nay.
I may even say overpoWer, the artistic
temperament by the throat and chokes 1t
with loud. ringing, milled-edged dou-
BILE gold eagle. Ha! Ha. 1t stamps I'M
der foot all enterprise. 1t makes COM
monplace profit and loss out of the raw
ings Of eccentricity and makes mere pelf
grow where inspiration peeped its pretty
little head and softly cooed Mamma"
For here we have the greatest genius
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-28

HAT ancient jest
about the horse
marines may yet
become an actual
ity. / suppose the
next step will be
TO mount us. Per-
haps we'll even be
put through those
fifty-mile t e S t
rides "
Such was the
comment of an of
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-28

OST walters wait.
w alters in hotels
and restaurants and
things. we mean.
Still. all of them
don't walt. There
are d lot of them in
this town now that
only look as If
they're waiting.
Abandoning enig-
ma. let us remark
that this Is the
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-28

gloomy. just like other folks. Plenty of
people look upon the newspaper reporter
as being almost a human being.
Why, then. shouldn't this or any other
newspaper reporter have the right to look
gloomy if so be as how 1t happens that
gloom is rafting around in his system
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-28

HIS newspaper re-
porter look e d
gloomy
In fact, he looked
orfully gloomy.
There's no partic-
lllar reason that oc-
ours at the present
time to the writer
hereof why a news
paper re or t e r
shouldn't have a
right to 100 X
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-28

ELL. the blasted
daylight robbers."
Mr.. Jobson, read
ing the paper after
dinner on Tuesday
evening last, thus
broke out, after
doing a lot of NUT
tering to himself.
Mrs. Jobson look
ed up wonderingly
from her book.
Robbers, did you
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-28
HANK S CT V / n G

HANK S CT V / n G
day 1 was walk
ing down the street
enveloped In gloom,
with my head full
OF quinine and my
hands full of hand
kerchiefs. sneeZing
and snorting and
putting and blowing
and growing and
GUESSING and glazing
a n d glowering,
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-28

Special Correspondence Of The Star.
NEW YORK. November 81 1908
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-28

cure to snuff up the nose, and so on.
They were happy and profane and were
busily engaged in spending bit of sur
plus commissions.
Anyhow. it had occurred to them. as
they gloated together over the fearful
varieties of weather that had been hover
ing over and around Washington and
vicinity of late. to make bet that out
OF the next five men who passed them
three would be actively engaged in bran
dishng new handkerchiefs. fresh and
starchy from the original package. The
man who had made this seemingly fool
bet won. and by A big margin. He an
nounced in superior fashion that statistics
proved that the average man owned
enough handkerchiefs for ordinary use.
but that when salubrious cold in the
head struck him it was as safe bet that
he'd have to enlarge stock in hurry.
All of which isn't particularly interest
ing, but indicates to the Casualist that
the old sayings about one mans meat
being another mans poison and tits an
i'll wind that blows no one good. and
so forth, are wise saws that fit the case
7 also take it that at this season of the
year physician. when alone in his inner
sanctum, occasionally permits himself to
close his left eye meaningly and smile.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-28
KHEDILL MCCORMICK. who recent,

KHEDILL MCCORMICK. who recently
AvA probed the innards of the smart set
with a literary red-hot poker which he
called "a Little Brother to the Rich" Is
looking over Pat Romans personal de-
lir!um "reminiscences, and between the two
of them the book, which was published
serially I'm magazine. probably will come
out soon. Its arrival is awaited with
keen interest by clergymen. temperance
reformers and others, and 1t is confidently
expected that coincidently with it's pub
The Twin Falls times. [volume] (Twin Falls, Idaho) 1905-1916, 1908-09-10

by the band, the various labor and
civic organizations, the fire companies
and number of finely decorated bust
ness floats helped to make the parade
attractive. Typographical Union No. 241
OF this city, presented a float Of a min
iature printing plant that made a hit
with the spectators
Perhaps none of the business men
of the city have had an adequate idea
Of the numbers and strength of the
Unic..ii7ed labor in this city until after
the paraue C. Monday.
The ball given b..Athe printers on the
evening of Labor Day was one of the
best ever given in the city and the
boys who had the matter in charge
should be very proud of the event
The rink was crowded to overflowing
with the merry throng and the music
was Of the best. The prize waltz was
one Of the main events of the even
ing, and the prizes were won by the
following ladies and gentlemen: First
lady's prize, gold hat pin, Mrs. O. NJ
Gaut; second lady's prize, breach, set
with brilliants, Miss Edith Sawyer
First gentlemans prize, set of gold
cuff buttons and stick pin to match
Mr. Stout; second gentlemans prize
handsome watch fob. Mr.. Hansen