davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26
Unconscious Humor,

A class Of little folk III an English
elementary school were recently asked
to define "a lady" with curious results.
Tie definition OF Lizzie aged seven.
will strike 4 responsive chord in the
heart OF tho busy woman and shows
that Lizzie must be ;n observing per
son. ''A lady is something like q
man.. says Lizzie. but she's got long
hair and shes got i different face and
different clothes and shes got 4 lot OF
work 10 DO" Charlie. aged six. IS I'M
pressed by the difference between tho
sexes. Il lady he finds to he differ
ent from L man because I; lady Las
different clothes from q man. 1 lady
has different eyes from 4 man. i lady
has 4 different body from 4 man. and q
lad has different shoes from Il man"
Howard. aged seven. gets at the same
facts from i different point Of View.
x lady" he says. his rot got some
trowserS. but 4 man has got some
trowSerS. \ second Charlie 1 year
older than the first one. thinks that a
lady is 1 nice woman because she
don't have torn clothes. and she has
woch with her. and she has 4 chane on
the wocn.'
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26

The custom of having warships sail
under sealed orders arose from the de-
sire of maritime powers to prevent the
plans from becoming known to the
enemy In the American navy such
orders come from the president and
are delivered to q commander Of a ship
or squadron by a confidential mcssen-
ger who knows nothing of their con-
tents. Sometimes they are in cipher.
bet they are always sealed with the
official seal Of the navy department
and the package cannot be opened IN
til the time marked on it. which IS
usually several hours after the hour
of leaving port. By this precaution
the newspapers are prevented from
disclosing prematurely the movements
which may be of the greatest impor-
tance, and the spies Of the enemy are
rendered useless so far as their abil-
ity to discover the secret Of such
movements is concerned. Sailing un-
der sealed orders is now the common
naval practice in time Of war. These
instructions are found in the packet
Of sealed orders, which is opened
when we'll out at sea.
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26
FOL Y,SzIlyEqk gAr6TAR
ao. eas,dres; safe, sarc. jgo ootcseo
A SweIied Head.

a typical Englishwoman, when some
one spoke the other day of q certain
man having 4 .'swelled head looked
dazed. Really, You don't mean 1t!'
cried the Englishwoman. I'm very
sorry \ day or so later the English
woman, happening to meet the wife
of the man in question, observed that
she was so sorry to hear that Mr..
Blank was i'll.
But he isn't" cried the wife. "He
was never better in his life
"Is that so:" said the Englishwo-
man. WHY. what could Mrs. Dash
have meant the other day when she
said lie was suffering from q swelled
head?''
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26
THE MANNING TIMES, MANNING, s. C.. FEBRUARY
Very Nicely Done.

Gallant Man (aside)--At last :
her all to myself. Now I can ie7
how l love her and ask her to be Line.
How shall ! do it. l wonder:
Gentle Maid (belind her f;ln,-lt is
surely coming. am so nervous and
frightened I know he is going to be
terribly dramatic. do hope shan't
have to help him up off his knees.
Goodness, why doesn't he say some
thing? I must break this horrible ST.
lence. (Aloud. recklessly} Have you
ever been abroad?
Gallant Man (smilingly)-No. I'm
saving it for wedding tour.
Gentle Maid demurely)-Why, how
funny; so am l.
Gallant Man (meaningly)-Then why
shouldn't we take it together?
Gentle Maid Gnnocently)-Possibly
your wife and my husband might OBJ
ject to going in such crowd.
Gallant Man (brilliantly}-The crowd
wouldn't be objectionably large if your
husband and my wife were husband
and wife.
(Further conversation was disjointed
and Observation-Disclosures Weekly.
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26
Holy Lard q E!ocld Center.

It used to be 4 fancy that the Holy
Land was the center OF the world. IN
a sense not then meant it was indeed
central. It occupied i strategic posi-
ton. Three continents converge hero
al the continents known rs the On
ci"ats-ASj;. Africa ;,nd Europe. Con
tiguouS to Palestine on the s0uth lies
Egypt and on tie north Syria Or. TAX
Ing 4 wider view. Oh one side OF It
We're India. Persia. -NSSyria and Baby
lonia. while on the o;he:. side ot it were
Egypt. Greece and Rom. y babe
among giants the land of ,IcSIl> WAS in
deed little among the geographical
tribes: but. like ! babe. it was mon
arch OF the household OF lands
From its central vantage tiny Pales-
tiac saw through the march Of centu-
ricS the procession Of these mighty en-
pices--ASSyri;la. Babylonian. Nedo-
Persian. Greek and Roman. being it
self during much OF the time Z center
o. influence and determining force that
have helped form the character and
history of the civilized worid-ES-
change
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26
The Deans Rainent.

Dean Stanley was once driving with
a friend from Monreale to Palermo
Both men were reading. Stanley sud
denly discovered that he was shiver-
ing with a cold. He mentioned the
matter to his friend
We'll, hadn't you better put some
thing on?" said the latter, pointing to
the deans bag, which was close at
hand.
Stanley thought it rather a good
idea, and the friend went on reading.
As they entered Palermo there were
shouts Of astonistment Stanley was
placidly reading. His friend found
that the distinguished churchman had
absentmindedly drawn out a night
shirt from his bag and put it on over
his other clothing and thus arrayed
was riding triumphantly into the city.
London Sketch.
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26
4 Runaway River,

The problem and the peril of the Colo
RADIO river are not difficult to under
stand. A great river running slowly.
on a ridge of its own creating, run
ming in a broad and tortuous channel,
choked with islands Of mud and bars
Of sediment, running with fall Of
only one foot to the mile, while to the
north and west lay vast depression
below sea level and inviting the slug
gish river to a swifter flow; between
this sunken area and the uncertain
course OF the river a great garden Of
Eden in promise and potency, needing
only to be watered and kept, then a
canal tapping the river, food gather
ing at the far away sources, breach
in the unprotected bank and the whole
volume Of the river, forsaking its
ancient and outgrown bed and rushing
into that pit in the desert, sweeping
In it's course through miles Of fertile
farms and cutting canyons where
canals had been-this is an outline Of
the situation and a hint of the peril
A. J. Wells in Sunset Magazine.
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26
"Copy Reading" Howells.


The London Atheneum says Of the
following Howells paragraph that it is
the best sentence perhaps in any re-
cent English book. Describing Ger
tain ancient edihce, Mr.. Howells writes
and the -Atheneum quotes:
what, In the heart of all this bios
soming, was the great cathedral it.
self when we came in sight Of it but
vast efiorescence of the age Of
faith, mystically beautiful in form and
gray as some pale exhalation from
the mold of the ever cloistered. the
deeply reforested past"
Very fine. all must admit. But
wouldn't that paragraph have been
meat and drink to the man who used
to mark up Mr.. Howells' newspaper
copy back at Bucyrus, O. If Howells
the reporter had written that for the
Bucyrus Blade he would have found
it in the paper next day about like
this:
''The cathedral, with flowers all
around 1t, looks fne It is 400 years
old and needs paint"-Galveston News.
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26
Not = Stra.Ger to Her.

The conductor OF the Pullman car
had for some time had his eye Oil the
man who seemed 10 ~ fishing for IN
excuse to speak to the lady across the
aisle. The passenger finally left his
seat and took one beside hcH and when
they had conversed for 4 few minutes
the lady seemed TO be protesting. and
the conductors opportunity lad come.
He stepped forward and said:
"NIailam. if this man is forcing his
attentions upon YOU he must resume
his own seat
lie is not exactly stranger to me"
she admitted
But YOU seemed to be annoyed,
madam.'
u am not exactly annoyed, but I
wish he wouldn't talk to me
'I en- simply arguing q case. eS-
plained the man.
''YeS. but there is nothing to argue.
We have been married and divorced
twice. and now I've married another
man. and we can't be married again
until he dies. Giyc It UP, Jimmy
give it up and go back to your seat. =
Chicago News.
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26
Srardfather's Portrait.

\ villager intensely conceited and
ignorant. but quite wealthy, was per-
sraded to have his grandfather's pic
turc repainted.
Tic artist, not having been decently
treated by the villager, drew the por-
trait almost in nude form. Rolling
it up. he told the man not to look at
it before tie coming New Year. On
that day the villager ordered the pic
ture to be hung up that he might pay
It his New Year respects. AS it was
bein. unrollcd he frantically waved
his hands and shouted: "Wait! Wait!
The old gentleman is not ready, for he
IS not yet dressed."-From the Chi
neSe
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26
Thouqht Nine Enough.

The following amusing birth notice
appeared in the Dresden AnZeiger:
''To cur seven hearty boys there came
today, in Gods early morning, not the
wished for little daughter, but, in
compensation. a pair Of fine boys. We
judge by this elementary event that
these strenuous times demand more
men than blossoms OF the geAtler sex,
and console ourselves with thoughts
Of our fatherland. to which we call:
"Hurraht Hurrah! Now there are nine.
Firm stand and true the watch on the
Rhine.
ITO all dear friends and acquaint-
ances and to whom else the joyous
tidings may be Of interest we give this
not1ce-the last of its kind-Eduard
Rost and wife"
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26
Thn Mnrth Of His Money.

Not seldom in highland districts the
attendance at church during unpropi-
tious weather is but scanty. One min
lister. finding himself on bolSterous
Sunday confronted with but one soli-
tary auditor, who happened to be a
c:uff. outspoken character, took him
into his confidence, with view to
propitiate him ''Will go on with the
sermon. john" John answered gruf-
~, "Of course" Getting into the pull
pit and leaning over it, he asked, "Win
give you the Gaelic sermon or the
English one?" "Gie'S bath. Ye're
weel paid for t. said John, more
c-uiily stil!.-Dundee Advertiser.
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26
A BARGAIN.

Slr. Mason rubbed the edges of the
umbrella with discriminating fingers
while his wife listened to the salesWO-
mans enumeration Of its good points.
'This is $40, isn't it," he asked.
"Oh, no." replied the saleswoman re,
proachfully. ut is $3.50"
"She seems to regard the II cents as
particularly inyidious. I wonder why!''
whispered Mr.. Mason to his wife.
t'Not at ALL" said Mrs. Mason. with
mild heat; nothing sinridious' about
It. Only very naturally it touched the
girl not to have you perceive that you
We're getting bargain. youths Com
panion
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26

s:Health Coffee" is really the closest
coffee imitation ever yet produced.
This, the finest coffee substitute ever
made, has recently been produced by
DR.. Shoop OF Racine, Wis. Not a grain
of real coffee IN it either. Health cof-
fee is made from pure toasted cereals,
with malt, nuts, etc. Really it would
fool an expert-who might drink 1t for
coffee. No twenty or thirty minutes
boiling. ''Made in minute" says the
doctor. Manning Grocery Co.
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26
When He Enjoyed Life.

Among the tombs near the old Ar
lincton mansion on the Chesapeake
Is the mausoleunl Of John Gusts, the
father of Martha Washington's hrst
husband. It bears this suggestive IN
scription:
Beneath this Marble Tomb lies ye Body
of the Honorable John Custis. Esq.
OF the City of Williamsburg and Parish Oh
Burton
Formerly Of Hungars Parish on the East
ern Shore Of
Verginia and the County Of Northampton
the Place of his Nativity.
Aged Il years, and yet lived but seven
years
Which was the space Of time he kept
A Bachelors House at Arlington
On the Eastern Shore Of Verglnla.
It is said that before his marriage
Gusts did have a free and easy life.
His marriage was of Importance 10
his country, for he was the progenitor
Of several leading families. one
would like to know Mrs. Gusts YER
sion Of the life they had together,
which he regarded as unworthy to De
called liying.-Youth's Companion.
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26

Everything taken into the stomach
should be digested fully within q GER
tain time. When you feel that your
stomach is not in good order, that the
food you have eaten is rot being Gi-
gested. take good, natural digestant
that will do the work the digestive
juices are not doing. The best remedy
known today for all stomach troubles
is kodol, which is guaranteed to give
prompt relief. 1t is Datural digest
ant: it digests what you eat, it is pleas
ant TO take and is sold here by w. L.
Brown & Co.
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26

At times when you don't feel Just
right, when you have bad stomach,
take something right away that will as
sist digestion: not something that Will
stimulate for time but something that
will positively do the very work that
the stomach performs under ordinary
and normal conditions, something that
will make the food digest. To do this
you must take a natural digestant like
Kodol for Dyspepsia. Kodol is a sclen-
tihc preparation of vegetable acids with
natural digestants and coutain the same
Juices found in healthy stomach:
Each dose will digest more than 1000
grains of good food. 1t is sure to afford
prompt relief: it digests what you eat
and is pleasant to take. Sold by w. T..
Brown & Co.
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26
The Nearest Approach.

An English tourist visited Arran
and being keen disciple of 1zaak Wal
ton was arranging to have days
good sport Being told that the cleg,
or horseflv. would suit his purpose ad-
nirably for L lure, he addressed him.
self to Christy. the highland servant
girl. Il say. my girl. can you get me
some horSetlieS:
Chri$ty looked stupid. and he repeat
ed his question Finding that she did
not yet comprehend him, he exclaimed:
Why. girl, did you never see
horsely:'
''Naa, sir, said the girl, but a
wanse saw coo jump over preshi-
nica''
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26
Bituminous Coal.

Shortly after the adoption Of btu
minous coal as fuel in England a
royal proclamation was used forbid
ding its use and authorizing the de-
struction of the furnaces Of the users,
who were characterized as evil doers.
Scarcity Of fuel. it seems, shortly COM
PEELED the resumption of its use In
the reign Of Eliza beth bituminous
coal was again prohibited during ses-
sions of parliament lest the health OF
the members suffer thereby.-London
Telegraph.
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26
The Builders.

The Egyptians were the builders
said i contractor enviously. "No won-
Ger their monuments will endure for
ever. Labor was nothing to them AS
you would spend cent on 4 newspa-
per SO would an Egyptian king put
$4,000 men to work upon a temple.
Labor, you see. cost nothing a strik-
ing example of the Egyptian prodigal-
itv of labor lies in this fact: No less
than 2.G00 men We're employed for
three years in carrying single stone,
Il stone of unexampled size. from Eie-
Dlantire to SaiS.'
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26
A NIacL ~ 0rovarc

Maggie. with her fair face and blond
hair. and Nina. with dusky skin and
kakv wool. had played together at
mud pies and had swung on the same
g::te ever since they could remember,
for Nina's NANNY was NaSsic's nurse.
says the Housekeeper They were now
seven years old. Maggie loved Nina
in spite of her color yet she had a
feeling that her friend deserved to be
white. so she added to her prayer each
night:
please, God. make Nina white"
As the weeks went by and Nina re-
NAMED unchanged Maggie felt that her
petition needed reinforcement. so she
confded in Nina. begging her to pray
for the greatly desired bleaching. But
Nina in surprise looked at Maggie
with wide open eyes and exclaimed:
Me? No. stree. Fo' de Lawd.
Maggie, l doan wanter to be no white
child. an Is jes' prayin' with all my
might fer you to come blackH'
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26
please, God. make Nina white"
The INTELLIGENT Bird.

Two negroes in Washington were
overheard discussing the intelligence
Of birds in general.
Birds is shore sensible" observed
one darlly to the other. "Yo' kin learn
them anything. I uSter work for 4
lady that had one IN Clock, an when
it was time to tell de time it uster
come out an say cuckoo jest as many
times rs de time was
,.Yo' doaD' say so:" asked the other
negro incredulously.
Shore thing responded the first
darky But de mos wonderful part
WAS dat it was only wooden bird
too,-Harper Weekly.
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26
Cautious.

4 fve-year-old girl was very Ill, and,
noticing the anxiety ofeher parent, she
said, Mamma. do you think I'm going
to die?"
"No, my DEAR" replied the mother,
I'VE think you will soon be better"
'Well," said the little one, I'D Ike
to die and 60 to heaven on visit il l
was sure I could come back if ! didn't
like the place."-Chicago News.
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26
The Richest.

That country is the richest which
nourishes the greatest number Of no
Bile and happy human beings; that
man is the richest who. having per-
fected the functions Of his own life to
the utmost. has also the widest help
full influence. both personal and by
means of his possessions, over the lives
Of others.-John Ruskin.
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26
He who changes the sports is Sc
cretly changing the manners OF the
young.--Plato.

Grippe is sweeping the country: Stop
it with Preventics, before it gets deeply
seated. TO check early colds with
these little Candy Cold Cure Tablets is
surely sensible and safe. Preventics
contain no quinine, no laxative, nothing
harsh or sickening. Pneumonia would
never appear if early colds were
promptly broken. Also good for fever
ISL children. Large box, IS tablets, 23
cents. Vest pocket boxes 3 cents. Sold
by ". E. Brown & Co...
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26

Bert Barber, OF Elton, Wis, says: 81
have only taken four doses OF your Kid
ney and Bladder Pills and they have
done for me more than any other medl-
cine has ever done. I am still taking
the pills as want perfect cure" Mr..
Barber refers To DeWitt's Kidney and
Bladder Pills. They are sold by w. E..
Brown s Co.
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26
All Alone In That Class.

MI. Hunker-I have merely speak
ing acquaintance with Miss Throck-
morton. Mr.. Spatts-You are very
lucky. All her other acquaintances
are listening acquaintances.-Stray
Stories.
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26
Eordetful.

Tommy" said his mother reproying-
", "what did I say I'd do to you If I
ever caught you stealing jam again?"
Tommy thoughtfully scratched his
head with his sticky fingers.
"W'hy, that's funny, ma, that you
should forget it too. Hanged If I ian
rememb verybody's.
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26
Mechanically.

Judge-And what did the prisoner
say when you told him that you would
have him arrested? Complainant-He
answered mechanically, yer honor.
Judge-Explain. Complainan-He hit
me on the head with hammer.-EIs
change.
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26
Looked That Way.

Il don't think she'll ever marry him"
said Mrs. Hcnpeck. "She quarrels Wlts
him so and is so domineering that
She is:" interrupted Henpeck. "lA
bet they've been secretly married 81
readyl"-Phiadelp Press.
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26
lJnlucky at BRIDGE,

DO you believe IL this thirteen su-
perstition:" asked Tete de Veau.
y do" replied L'Oignon. 81 could
never understand why was so I'M
lucky ct bridge till discovered that !
was always dealt a hand Of just thir-
teen."-EXchange.
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26

Three things too much and three too
little are pernic5ous to man-to speag
much and know little, to spend much
and have little, to presume much and
be worth little.-Cervantes
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26
A Little Mixed.

a Hrdoo barrister thus excused an
absent client whom sickness had pre-
vented from coming to court: THE
man has fallen unwell, your honor,
ana lie has sent man here to say
that he is lying and cannot come"
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26
a Philosopher.

Frances Willard once wrote to a
friend who had just lost daughter:
Dear Sister Anna, how much richer
are you than I! Here sit alone with
out child to die, while you are mother
to an angel
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26
A Theorv-

Tommie-Pa, how do storms git out?
Tonpklns--Get out? What are you
driving at-out of what? Tommie-
Wy. the weather bureau, O. course. ]
didn't know but mebby the man left a
drawer Open
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26

DeWitt's CarboliZeG Witch Hazel
Salve is best for cuts, burns, boils.
bruises and scratches. 1t is especially
good for piles. Sold by W. E. Brown
q. Co
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26
A Failure.

"1Vnen she gave you the piece Of
cake, did you say Thank you?'"
eyes, ma, but it didn't do no good"
Didn't do any good?'
NO; she didn't give me another
piece"
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26

Rings Little Liver Pills wake up lazy livers.
clean the system ana clear The skin. Try them
for oillousnesS and sick headache. Price 25c
Sold by The Manning Pharmacy.
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26

Pinesalye Carbolized acts like q pou!tice.
draws out inflammation and poison. Anrlseptlc
healing. For chapped hands. lips, cuts burns
Sold by The Manning Pharmacy.
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26

Use DeWitt's Little Early Risers,
pleasant little pills. They are easy to
take. Sold by w. E. Brown & Co.
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26

The fault is always as great as 10
that commits it.-French Proverb.
The Manning times. [volume] (Manning, Clarendon County, S.C.) 1884-current, 1908-02-26
START YOUF BOY

in the right way. Coco habits instilled
in the youth will bear ood fruit in af-
ter wears. Whether i be the small
account of the boy or ne business &C.
count of the man that i entrusted tous
we can guarantee perfect satisfaction.