davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1908-01-11

A LONG in the early part of Decem-
~ Der Mrs Jobson took stock of her
cold-weather possessions and found
that there'd be several articles that shed
need to get her through She mentioned
the matter to Mr.. Jobson.
Well. Thy don't you go get the stuff"
Ire asked her, petulantly. Don't try to
hurl out the impression. if you please.
that you've got to come to me and crawl
every time you want a hat or a pair of
gloves or such truck as that. Go get the
stuff you want ard don't bother me about
it. What have / got to do with it? You
need such-and-such All right You know
where to buy it. don't you?"
..Oh. that isn't the point replied Mrs.
Jobson. smiling. I'm merely telling you
about what 1 need. You know. and l was
going to tell you. if you'd let me, that 1
don't intend to get these things at all
now, but wait till after the holidays,
when, you know. the stores will just be
giving things away. and"
Mr.. Jobson sat up in his chair, pushed
his paper away, yanked his cigar out OF
his mouth and stared at Mrs. Jobson.
.Oh. after the holidays the stores'll be
giving things away. will they?" he asked
her. in his best sardonic tone. "Ye-eh. l
know they will. The storcs'n be just
throwing things at you. The storesll
Evening star., 1908-01-11
JOBsON SHES AT POSTHOLIDAY BARGAINS

goods and. N.Y. the bargains that"
There you go with that wild woman S
screech about bargains. bargains, bar
gains.'' broke in Mr.. Jobson, gloemly.
IF there's any one word in the English
lar -uage that I'm dead tired and sick to
death of it's that word bargains That
bargains gag has broken up more homes
in this country than drink or draw poker.
1t fills womens minds to the exclusion
of everything else, and
But when there often are such bar
gains
There aren't any such things as bar
gains, madam. and never were since
commerce began, and never will be- That
bargain stuff is all cold-blooded fake.
The stores will occasionally toss a little
batch of cheap junk onto a counter for
the sole purpose of batting crazy women
along but nothing that was ever bought
at a so-called bargain sale was worth
using as a sinker to catch catfish or
German carp, and you know it. or ought
to know it. If the"
But can't they afford to, sometimes,
offer things
Madam. they can't afford to run their
Establishments and pay their rent and
fuel bills and employees wages unless
they make a profit on the goods they sell.
That's something that no woman under
Evening star., 1908-01-11
A Nature Faker.

w. l.. D. Stokes, the New York capital
ist. was laughing at a dinner over the
way he had hoaXed the naturalists of the
New York zoo with two ducks
The ducks Were hybrids Mr. Stokes
dropped them in the zoo pond and then
wrote anonymously to the authorities that
he had seen a pair OF rare arctic ducks
there. The authorities, deceived. an
nounced Sravely that two arctic ducks in
some strange way had come to New York
and kindly taken UP their quarters at the
zoo.
Now that the authorities know that |
hoaXed them" said Mr.. Stokes, they are
veXed and disappointed. eh? Disgusted
with themselves. don't you think? Like
the Yonkers woman.
"A Yonkers woman upbraided her hus-
band because. Notwithstanding a New
Year resolution to drop the club. lie put
on his hat one night and said he would
not return till late.
The club again. eh? What of your
resolution? Oh, George. you have no
stability. You are a very reed in the
wind. Shame on you, sir.
$50 the woman went on. but her hus
band shrugged his shoulders sulkiy and
trudged out of the room.
''She resolved to wait up for him. She
sat by the radiator with book till = in
the morning. 1t was dull, chilly work.
The book was stupid and the fire got low.
At length she gave in and went drowsily
upstairs to bed.
There. snoring like a hurricane, her
husband lay. He had changed his mind
about going out and had retired early in
stead.
1.-The woman as she looked at him was,
like the zoo authorities rather disguised
eh?"
Evening star., 1908-01-11
K1EXT to a travelling salesman,
II MI think q denonStr,tor i,n

K1ExT to travelling salesman. l
IN think demonstration endures the
limit of patience" said one of the
latter. while number of young men dis
cussed the troubles os their various call
inss. "One of the funniest things hap
pened TO a friend of mine at the James
town exposition last summer. He wanted
to earn some school money, and he got
a job with one of those new-fangled phos-
phate concerns. He had little sand and
an attractive supply of the red and other
Colored liquids. While the firm wanted
to introduce their goods. they We're not
in favor of free drinks. and gave the
demonstration to understand that every
drink should be introduced to a grateful
public at 5 cents.
''One hot afternoon said the narrator
"a visitor came along and stared long
and lovingly at the refreshment stand
step right up said 10, land take a
cooling draught.'
The visitor just stood and stared. think
ing the proposition over
Won't you just step over and have
drink with me- insisted 10. as the visitor
appeared tremendously interested, but
shy
"All right" said the stranger. shut
fling up to the stand .blieVe | will. if
Yer don't mind.
20, it's fine stuff" assured Jo Il know
you will like it. It's the best stuff on the
market: can't be beat for quenching the
Evening star., 1908-01-11
Frequently it is" agreed the interview.

er.
1T is so in the majority of cases" de-
cared Mr.. Roosevelt's private secretary.
Most people do not know how to talk.
You see. the personal equation figures
largely In the matter 1t is common
and vulgar error to talk when there Is
nothing to be said"
For eXample?"
We'll. you know your Washington:
specification is unnecessary" Mr. Loeb
spoke guardediy. and his general attitude
might have indicated that at any moment
lie expected his visitor to lay rough hands
on him and shake his sleeve. For there it
is. according to current tradition. that
the private secretary keeps an amazing
number of interesting things. He follow
ed the direction of his visitors eye. and
said:
Sometimes / feel like wearing crepe on
goes upon that arm. for one does not last
long. l usually wear new suit every
day. for that is the average time that one
lasts. The things | carry up my sleeve are
always active, virile and dynamic.
that a sleeve of Krupp steel could not
restrain them. In their tremendous activ-
ity they simply rip the entire garment
away"
Then why do you persist in trying to
confine them up your sleeve?' he was
asked.
THAT is one of the recognized formulas
of diplomacy which cannot be discarded,
replied Mr.. Loeb.
These constant explosions and erup-
tions must jar you painfully?'
Evening star., 1908-01-11

tain hootful tendencies. which would 50
disturb the poise and equilibrium of the
performers that they'd refuse to go on
with the business: or, often enough. the
audience. including the little girls with
whom we'd expected 10 make colossal
hits, would get tired and then get up
and march out of the shed and leave us
to waste our talent the somewhat
bilgy woodshed air-and SO there'd be
an end to the performance. as there is Ia
all things.
Nothing like that any more, The
worlds gone all different, IL seems To
me. Perhaps it's because there. aren't
SO many minstrel shows nowadays
there used to be-but even those that still
hit town and parade up and down the
avenue don't appeal to the imagination
of boys as they used 10. | know that
because I've watched boys engaged in
watching the parading minstrel men
within the past few years. and the boys
didn't appear to be in the least atame
with ardor TO join the merry burnt nt-corl1
throng. Queer. too. / can't understand il.
/ wonder what the youngsters of today
do want to be when they grow up, hey
Evening star., 1908-01-11

thirst. and you appear to have one.
THE stranger supped a it. and then
downed the drink, smacking his lips. Its
good stuff said he, walking away. Much
obliged.
Well that will be ) cents" said 10.
"Five cents drawled the stranger sur
prised. why you invited me to take a
drink
so, | did" said Jo. "but expected you
to pay for it. You don't get things for
nothing in this world
Well you begged me to drink your red
pop. Water is good enough for me. | am
not squandering my money on tive-cent
drinks
WHY man alive" screamed Jo. do
you suppose | run this stand for charity.
Good gracious. do you think | am in this
work for nN health. Can't you see | am
running a business here don't YOU see
my cash register.
"Well / never heard of such imperti-
nence." said the angry stranger. They
don't treat people down my way like that.
We don't have such kind of hospitality.
the frightened stranger fled. When 10
observed his absence, he closed his stand
and went to the nearest paint shop. Be
fore he undertook to relieve other
thirsts lie hung out i big red placard
that looked Ike Chinese quarantine
sign, advertising his goods. and in big
figures. the price Of them
:: : !; =
4 regret that you have come to me for
talk" said William Loeb, jr., slowly.
Talking is a sorry business
Evening star., 1908-01-11

of thousands solely on the strength OF
the fact that her name was printed in the
exclusive book. and her creditors We're
perfectly complaisant about these debts
right up to the hour of her death-after
her death. in fact. until the real name of
the dead woman was brought out. 1t Is
perfectly probable that she might have
gone on indefinitely living her unhampered
life of easy deception had not the stringent
times swung along. She found it dlfflculf
if not impossible to unload her worthless
securities victims, VINO, guileless
enough in flush times, had been alarmed
into keeping their loose money in thelr
pockets While she had unlimited credit,
she needed ready money, too. So she prac-
ticed bit of plain money jugglery upon
a Massachusetts marble quarrier-a bit or
inartistic work wholly unworthy or her
talent and thing she would never nave
stopped to had the need for quick cash
not been great. This victim brought
criminal charge against her. She saw ex-
posure confronting her. She felt that the
game was up So, true to theatrical
instinct which she always possessed. she
arrayed herself regally, took dose of
morphia. and lay down to die like an ad-
venturess in Pinero play.
Batten on the West.
When such. things as these happens
lot of weli-to-do people in New York fall
into the sudden way of sorting over their
friends, men and women, who have any
sort OF mystery attached to them. But.
as a simple matter of fact, most of the
victims OF the male and female cheerful
workers of the finished grades who oper-
ate in New York are the wealthy tran
s.ents-chiehy from the west-who. COM
ing to the big town two or three times a
year. spurge around the hyphenated ho-
tells of 9TH avenue, and, in that garish set
ting. imagine that they are part of the
genuine picture. These visitors form one
of the richest imagina BILE classes for ex-
ploitation by ingenious, thoroughly edu-
Gated and thoroughly unscrupuious graft
ers of both sexes who fatten upon them.
They are ready to spend any sum, to buy
anything that seems to offer them an op-
portunity to penetrate into even the outer
rim of the real New York crowd. With
the achievement OF such a purpose in
view they walk blindly TO the slaughter
of their bank rolls.
The rich westerner. lowering somewhat
lonesomely with his ambitious and ornate
ly bedecked women folk, yields eagerly to
any bid for acquaintanceShip made by the
groomed, soft-spoken male CRATER, whose
exterior appears to spell ''entree, and for
many years the simple annals of the gulls
Evening star., 1908-01-11

organ. But. gee whiz, how / could make
folks unhappy with the bones.
"Other boys of my day who ached all
over to become minstrel men used to
fix themselves up cigar-boX banjos. These
were very ingenious boys, boys who had
the patience to sit down and try to work
a thing out-and there weren't and aren t
many growing boys like that. They'd
work for days and days on the cigar box
banjo contraption, swiping a piece OF
catgut for strings here and another piece
there, and sometimes they'd fix up some
kind of an instrument that would emit
really intelligible sounds-though, after
they'd made their instruments. why, OF
course. they'd have to sit down and try
to learn how to play on 'em. and this,
naturally enough, was different mat
ter.
We'll. a whole bunch of boys in
neighborhood who had it all fixed up in
their own minds and with each other
that. sooner or later. they sure We're
going to shine and glow in the domain
of minstrelsy would get together and
give d minstrel show in the shed or barn
of one or the other of them. There'd d
Evening star., 1908-01-11

who have been shredded by the lurking
gra afters of the big hostelries have served
to entertain this unsympathetic populace.
About three months ago determined ef-
fort was made to extirpate this nuisance.
The grafters were rounded up in sets of
fours and escorted to the door and warned
not to come back. They simply betook
themselves elsewhere, to fields just as pro-
ductive.
Social Affiliations.
The female workers of the Louise YER
meule type found their work just as easy.
With presence, clothes. jewels and man
ner they discovered that they had merely
to hover about other great hostelrles
where the wealthy ones from the other
cities cor gregated-and presently they had
captured victims without scarcely reach
ing out hand for them. Their meter
was their social affiliations" They could
prey upon the wealthy women folk from
1.-The provinces most easily by this
method. They could take rich acquaint-
ances thus formed to many handsome
houses and apartments in New. York.
keeping them going on an unending round
of well-appointed events that were not
the real thing at all. but only limitations.
Thus sped along the victims Imagined
that they really were plunging In the
glddy stream of New York society. and
they were ready to .'give up for this sort
of assistance.
The hard times, SO termed, have put a
sort of automatic stop to this sort OF
thing. There is no need to suppose that
there will be an epidemic of suicides on
the part Of adventures and adventuresses
in New York. But 1t Is presumable that
scores and hundreds of them who erst
rolled In luxury are now living in hall
rooms. Some of the keenest of the c-ass.
men and women. we hear, have betaken
themselves to European fields. where
money is not so tight. Over there they
NAV at least gain livelihood. But they
will never pluck handfuls of money out
of the very air over there, as they did
around the great caravansaries of this
town before the falling of the recent
money blight.
In a Jersey Swamp.
The Thaw trial overshadows everything
else over here. of course. Next in i'm
portance-a serene commentary on the
state of the public mind hereabout- comes
the murder of the woman in the New Jer-
sey swamp. Folks who would start the
day with peaceful minds don't pick up
Evening star., 1908-01-11
,ir papers at the breakfast table these

their papers at the breakfast table these
days.
One wonders about this dead woman in
the swamp business. Up to the super
vention OF the Thaw trial the papers
here were running as high three and
even four pages a day about that grisly
affair. Why? Supposing there had been
certain element of mystery about the
matter2 Did the element of quagmrish
mystery justify the Haunting of all these
pages of swamp and morgue pictures and
text in the faces of that element of this
population which wants to go its way sur
rounded by at least a shell and sem blance
of peacefulness?
AS to the Thaw business, a spread over
that was and is more less to be ex-
pected. The people concerned had and
have a certain Importance. The case. In
phases, was and is unique. There has
been far too much even of the Thaw af-
fair for the appetites of tens of thousands
Of not unreasonable New Workers. But
why there should be a spreading out for
a week in most of the New York papers
of this wretched story or motorman
wayward wife who was killed and thrown
into a swamp is one of those inscrutabili-
ties whereof nobody seems to know the
answer. The publishers of this nauseous
matter reply that ''the people want the
stuff" Do they? OF some twenty-five
men and women to whom / have put the
question with great deliberateness. DO
you read these daily stories about the
woman whose body was found In the Jer-
sey swamp" every solitary one of them
has come back with a determined and
emphatic Mo- and all of them seemed
to be perfectly truthful in expressing their
denials.
They may want it, down on the east
side where they can just about under
stand the meaning of the horrible morgue
pictures, and where they have to. spell
out the words of the text. But | simply
don't believe that 1.-The people want it, In
the civilized districts of New York or any
where else.
You noticed, of course. that the man
ager of a New York cafe graciously gave
women permission to smoke at the tables
on New Year eve. Well. they smoked on
that eve all right, and they're smoking
there in spots ever since. But 1t seems
likely now that the manager will have to
shut down on his gracious permission. In
inaugurating the rule, he gave expression
to the quite obvious statement that there
are women and women. and then. becom-
ing platitudnous. observed that, while
there could not. in his opinion. be any
thing Objectionable in the spectacle of a
lady" smoking at the table of first
class restaurant, 1t might be found ex-
ceedingly otherwise to see "a person not
a lady" engaged>fn making smoke rings
from a cigarette at first-class restau-
Evening star., 1908-01-11

ably I'd have maneurered to get hold OF
at least two of them before the little
mother was through with them, on pre-
tense of giving them to my dog. II Ia
succeeded in getting hold of them, prob
ably I'D have given them to the dog, at
that; for the cleaner the bones why the
better they'd serve for my purpose, and
there are few dogs that can bite through
or even make any kind of an impression
on those big rib bones with their teeth.
well, after the dog had had his whack
at them I'd have taken those bones and
stripped them clean with my pocket
knife and then I'd have soaked them In
water over night and then cleaned them
some more on the next day. Then Id
have planted them on top of the wood
shed to give the sun a good drying
crack at them. and then-well, then
they'd have been all ready. They'd bo
in shape for me to take ahold of them
and make all the grown folks miserable.
Evening star., 1908-01-11

the svelte sloe-eyed Louise Vermeule,
who. under a half dozen different names,
befooled any number of men of brains and
standing in this town back in the middle
nineties. After the veil had been lifted,
1t was, of course, easy enough to remem-
Der her sensational trial for forgery in
1886, when. by the audacious use of her
beautiful eyes upon susceptible jury she
gained complete acquittal of enough
charges to have sent her to prison for a
long term of years. Other affairs she was
mixed up in at that same period which
kept her prominently before the public eye
over here.
Well here had this amazingly clever and
accomplished but wholly constituencies
woman been breasting the deterring tide
of her past all of these ten years right in
New York. in the guise of woman of So
ciety. and. as the saying runs. getting
away with it," She had been known dur
ing that period as promoter of big
schemes and often Il singularly successful
one.
On the Preferred List.
On the strength of her social claims
which none of her victims ever appeared
to question, she was able TO dispose of
outlandish stocks. particularly mining
stocks, that were not worth mill on the
dollar. Always she lived luxuriously. She
was figure at the opera. She had her
table reserved at the best restaurants. She
was an honorcd guest at many women S
clubs. She was an amused patron OF the
queer women's fads that have their dem
onstrations at big hotels. She was adj
mired for her wit. cultivated for her clev-
erness. Women us we'll as men sought
her compa anionsnip. She did not of course.
ever penetrate into that queer social tan
gle known the four hundred-probably
by choice and shrewd calculation. for II
is likely that she figured that eventual ex-
posure would be certain should she find
her way into that crowd. But by the ex-
ercise of adroitness she got her name into
New Yorks Social Register-no mean feat
when the difficulty of such undertaking
is considered. To get ones name into the
Social Register in this town means afflu-
ence In SO far obtaining the luXuries
of the world on credit is concerned No
doubt that was the main purpose of Lou
ise Vermeule in getting herself SO tabled.
At any rate, she ran up debts in the tens
Evening star., 1908-01-11

the bones-in preparation. you see. for the
exalted careers that we hoped would be
ours in the burnt-cork domain. We took
to the bones because they were easy TO
get. Tambourines. you see. were out OF
the question. They cost money. Money
wasn't flying around in the hands of
boys in my day. Anyhow. the minstrel
men who performed on the tampo END
never struck us fellers as being up TO
the bonesmen In general splendor and
recklessness.
Now. there were plenty Of shavers who
tried to get the trick of using the bones
who couldn't do anything with them at
ALL They hadn't the knack. Bones
handling called for knack. These boys
couldn't make 'em sound. They didn't
hold 'em right or something They'd
only bring them together once in a while
despite their incessant practicing and
they couldn't begin to rattle the bones
to the music of whistled tune. 1t was
Just about the same. I suppose, the
fact that some boys in my day had the
knack of playing on the mouth organ
while others hadn't. /, myself. for eX-
ample, was a perfect slob with the mouth
Evening star., 1908-01-11

was some artist with the bones, son.
don't you ever forget that; could make
'en really clack together to a break
down tune. and l could make more noise
with the things, l believe, than any boy
that lived in my part of Washington. Not
only that but l could just keep those
bones a-working for hours and hours.
I'd just sit on the back steps. say, clack-
ing those two pairs of bones dreaming
of when I'd be an honest-lnjun minstrel
NAM until strong men would pop their
heads out of the back windows and hol-
ler at me. and even my dad. who was
noted for his patience down on the
island would eventually slam out the
kitchen door and grab those bones out
of my hand and throw 'em over the alley
fence in sheer desperation. Then. after
little while, when he wasn't looking,
I'd go out in the alley and assemble those
bones again for practice on another day,
when dad wasn't around.
We'll. it was the ambition of most OF
the growing youngsters of my day to De
minstrel men. and that's why we were
all SO keen to get the trick of handling
Evening star., 1908-01-11

Mrs. Gittem lives right underneath that
Pittiwink woman. and she says that the
crazy Pittwink creature, that imagines
she's in society. spends all of her time
between those funny days at home OF hers
in cleaning her old clothes with benzine
and other smelly things, TO wear at these
silly affairs of hers. But for the life OF
her she just can't help looking dowdy and
country no matter what she puts on.
The only thing that she's got that Id
wear to dog fight is set of sables, and
they are mighty handsome-but, my dear.
some people have got mighty mysterious
ways of getting things. She told Mrs.
Gttem that an old uncle of hers out west
sent them to her for birthday gift-as if
ones uncles, out west or anywhere else,
ever loosened up that way. 1t would be
just like her to tell her husband that she