The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1908-07-25
BILL KENNEDY AND
THE DICTIONARY
(St. Louis Globe-Democrat.)

In the old days down in Arkansas,
said the stranger with the goatee and
black string tie, "Bill Kennedy was rail-
road contractor on the Memphis e. Little
since then. is millionaire one or two
times over. and owns, | reckon, one or
two little railroads himself But Bill in
those days. was kept hustling to keep the
mules fed up on hay, and what with
swamp fever and poor estimates. Arkan.
sas did not look too good to him. But
Bill was always plucky. believed right
along that he would come out on top, AMI
there is no saying where man with
belief like that will end. Bill lost no
chances in giving providence a tip in the
line of being good man who surely
helped himself. He stuck to his contract,
and with the aid of the missus in the
cookhouse and Red Mike on the dump,
kept his head above the swamps and
finally pulled out something, if not much,
to the good In his leisure moments,
which were not frequent, he would turn
his attention TO what the missus thought
would improve his mind and help him not
to disgrace his wealth when it came. Bill
had no fear but that it would come all
right
Cone of Bills weak points was his spell
ing. Through the aid of his wife he had
mastered the mysteries of writing, for
Bill. before he married. had moments of
grave difficulty in affixing his John
Henry Hancock to pay check. But the
wicked inconsequence of English spelling
put him on the run and while he never
had any difficulty in saying what he
wanter TO say in a letter. a remarka BILE
superfluity of vowels and consonants
harrassed his efforts in a more or less
legible expression of his views.
Now. Bill had an old bookeeper in
those days-probably has him yet-a thin.
dried up run of man, whom Bill kept
to shave and muddle his subcontractor' S
estimates, and used as safety valve to
let off bad language that might otherwise
have brought him into trouble with a
hard-fisted 'tarrier.
Old man Drury had made several at
tempts to get away from Bill. and cussed
him freely, but privately. behind his back
as a slave driver. but nobody else ever
seemed to want him, and he always drift
ed back to Bill So because and for the
reason that he was cheap, and though he
drank on the sly, Bill thought him sober.
he was kept on as a sort of charitable OBJ
iect lesson When Bill was extra self
virtuous he would point with pride to
what he had done for old man Drury.
ITO Drury, in his struggles with En-
glish literature Bill turned for assistance.
What in thunder. Drury. he asked.
can | get to help me to spell? | can I
learn it, There is no rule to tell you why
a word is spelled that way You JUST
simply have to know. With me it's all
guesswork Amt there a book l can get
That I can look up when I'm stumped for
| word. and it will give me the right
Sure. says old man Drury. You get
dictionary. All you have 10 90 IS 70
stumped for the spelling. all you have 10
do is TO look the word up in the dlction-
ary. and there you have the spelling all
correct ~, -, - o,,a
old man Drury a check and told him 10
go out and buy the biggest ana pes'
| dictionary in the market. So old man
Drury went out and bought an enlarged
with luminous wood cuts and explanatory
| foot notes and all right and proper 10
| enlighten the ignorance OF man hite
BilI.-Then he planted the dlctiohAry III
RiITs desk For Bills correspondence
needed a desk by this time. and he had
| to give up his old corner on the com
missary counter, which was now rele-
| gated to its proper use OF storing dry
sailed sides for the niggers.
| .sRilrs literary explorations went on
swimmingly, and he found more WORDS
in the dictionary and more ways OF speli-
| ing them than he had ever dreamed OF;
| One dav however, the trouble came Old
man Drlry was doing over his desk
when violent explosion occurred III
| RiITs office and the dictionary came hurt-
/ ling mast old man Drury's head and into
the room burst Bill himself. apparently
under the influence of violent emotion
.Drurv.' yelled Bill. that damned book
is no good go.
asked the astonished sDrury. What's the
matter. Mr.. Kennedy? What's wrong with
the dictionary?
-. 1T hain't got all the words in II,
shonted Bill It's no good at all, Drury
| / don't want no book that haint got al
the words. Drury. I've been looking fol-
| word for half an hour. and l can
find it,.
| Kennedy
why. Drury / wanted to write the
word pneumatic" and l looked in thai
blamed dictionary and there's no SIGH
word in it. l tell you. Drury. the book
| no blamed good.
Where did you look for it?' inquired
| the patient Drury.
| .-.Among the ms" of course, yoI
blamed fool. Where do you think SHOULD
| look for it?'
when Bill found that pneumatic wa:
spelled with p he gave up the strug
gle with the English language, and Drur,
went out and sold the dictionary.
Now Bill is a millionaire. and his type
writers do his spelling for him.
WHEN TAFT WAS A POET.
philadelphia Press