davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington herald., 1908-01-26
BY THE FUNNY MEN.
What will happen when women

What will happen when women
ruIe?"
Among other things. 7 presume
father-in-law jokes Will come into
style,'-Loulsville Curier-Journal
"Ah, the dear duches"
Interesting, no doubt9"
Intensely. You should hear her
abuse Americans" louisville Courier
Journal
How would you use your sword -
asked the fencing instructor, IF your
opponent feinteG?"
Tickle him with the point, sergeant "
answered the resoUrcefuI recruit
promptly To see if heswas shamming.9
London Globe.
Yes he's near sighted Says he can't
distinguish faces so feet away"
Il don't believe it. Every since he
has owed nae 81 he has had no trouble
in recognizing me clear across the
street and then lodging round The
corner. Cleveland Plain Dealer
Your partner" remarked the privi-
ledsed friend. seems to be a man OF
unusually good Judgment"
You bet he is replied the self-aC-
knowledged brains of the firm. why
he never makes a move without asking
my dvice."-Chicago News.
7 thought YOU swore off drinking or
the first of the year"
so 1 did. ] always do"
But your drinking now"
"Of course; if I hadn't sworn on
again. how could 7 swear off next
year?-Catholic Standard and Times.
Cody people find Il very hard. Mr.
Higgins, to become accustomed TO the
coin without the motto"
That's so, parson; recon thar ain'l
but one thing they'll find harder"
And what is thatg'
''Tryin' t scrape along on the m0JteI
! 'thout the coin. Life.
Clara-Tll give you a conundrum
Why is man like a C8rpete
Tom give 1t up.
ClGra-Weu he's no sooner down
than people walk all over him
Tom-Oh, pshaw' Man Is totally uu-
like a carpet, for the more dust he has
the less likely he is 10 set the shake
Illustrated Bits
Golfer-An' what like day had ID
here yesterday. Macpherson
Macphersou-Ob am Rwfu' dav' I;
was just pouriut
Golfer-Weel. we'll. an i'm che tteu We
Just had local shower
Macpherson-Ah. we'll can assure
you it was ma local here whatever
Punch.
The Washington herald., 1908-01-26
THIEVES TAKE BURGLAR ALARM

/ the old rugs. the old clocks, the spin
ming wheels. and the grandfathers'
chairs. Everything was as it should
be Then he went TO the window and
counted the articles in view. Nothing
had been taken.
It was only after fifteen minutes
search that he found what the burglars
had taken from him. And when he
did, that was when he gritted his teeth
and swore vengeance.
The handsome new burglar alarm which
he had bought after the last midnight raid
was gone. 1t alone was taken.
That's why Capt. Haseltine IS mad
He doesn't care who knows IT,
It's bad enough" he is said 70 have
remarked TO a neighb0r to whom he told
his troubles. TO have them come and
steal my goods, but when they take the
burglar alarm-weT. that's adding insult
to injury There ought to be a law to
make the burglars let the alarms alone
The rights OF property owners should be
protected 10 some degree"
The Washington herald., 1908-01-26
PICK-UPS FROM EVERYWHERE

Johannesburg has a taxable valua-
tiOn OF 5000, 600 GOO IN real estate.
During the last year the railroads
completed 6,e00 miles Of block signal
In Norway the longest day lasts from
May q to July p without Interrupt
tiou.
Beloch the mining expert. says the
johannesburg gold reef is good for at
least S15.O00000 900.
In America as early as 1866 Jews
sided with the cOloTists in resisting the
English governmental expressions.
According 10 "a German investigator,
2 smoker sends into the air about four
billion particles Of dust at every pull.
A South African prospector found
that part of his claim was under an old
Dutch church. He drove his peg under
the altar
The Washington Monument is 555
feet I'm height. There are 900 steps I'm
the stairway leading to the apex.
/ There is also an elevator
There are to be no ceremonies when
Paul ". Bartlett's equestrian statue of
Lafayette Is placed on its pedestal in
Paris next October.
The average daily amount of meat
consumed by each individual in New
York city is 26 cents worth, which is
falling off Of about one-half cent in five
years.
In Spruce canyon, near Cliff Place,
Colorado. Prof Z. l. Hewitt has discov-
cred a prehistoric ruin of six stories
nigh. one Of the finest examples of the
cliff dwelling ever found.
Iron cloth IS largely used to-day by
tailOrs for making the collars of coats
set properly. It is manufactured by
new process from steel wool and has
the appearance Of having been woven
from horschair.
Gulls are recommended IN place Of
carrier pigeons in consequence of ex-
periments made in France, which
showed them to have superior intel
ligence and to be able to brave stormy
weather much better than pigeons.
Some of the best sugar beet raisers
in California have been women. One
woman In Navada raised pampas
plumes for support. while some ladies
Of Pasadena. Cal. make a speciality Of
preparing ostrich feathers for the
market.
ANNH Aul AAb9 BUCoE9CJ5 q very
small proportion Of restaurants be-
tween the many fiTst-class ones that
have no superiors in the world and the
more numerous extremely poor ones
that are hardly paralleled in the great
cities.
Consul G. B. McGoogan, Of La Paz.
writes that the wild pita plant grows
/ sparsely in that part of Mexico a
| factory near there works up the fiber
and the foTty-nine tons produced in
| 1906. valued at $500 per ton, was all ex-
| ported TO San Francisco, Cal
It Is estimated that $4,000. 900 is spent
each summer by American tourists in
Canada, Kingston is almost daily
visited by hundreds Of American ex-
cursionists, adding a considerable sum
each season to the income of the mer-
chants, hotels, steamboats, and rail-
roads of that district.
The Washington herald., 1908-01-26
POLES RESENT YOKE
Lay Many Prosecutions to
PrusSian Government.
SEEK HELP FROM AMERICA
United Polish Societies. Represents
ing 3.OG0,OOO Citizens of the United
States, Pass Resolutions Protesting
Against Proposed Efforts to Thrust
COuntrymen from Homes.

Editor The Washington Herald
As a Polish American citizen, veteran
of the civil war, a member Of the Military
Order OF the Loyal Legion of the United
States OF America. identified with Polish
American interests In ali that tends to
the betterment of nay race in America
and 60 good lawgbiding citizenship,
kindly request the publication Of the in
closed protest, which I received from the
Polish committee i'm Chicago copies of
which will be sent 90 the President OF
the United States and other dignitarIes,
the press. &c. as Indicated,
II Is a fact of American history, OF
which our citizens of all nationalitles are
proud. that our great republic, for whose
independence KosolualSo. Pulaski, and
other brave Poles fought and many.
notably Pulaski, laid down their lives that
Il might live, never turns a deaf ear 10
the appeal OF the oppressed. and never
loses an opportunity jo raise it's powerful.
voice In righteous indignation when gross
ouuages are perpetrated upon down
trodden people especially IN the case
"AVH SAp4'liI +aAl"ll fi'JsS'A vi ia"t sup
preston Of the mother tongue, and cruel
persecution. are inflicted upon ii people.
driven into exile. evicted from their an
cestral homes for the harbarlc purpose OF
aiming death blows at the great heart
OF freedom, a disgraeefui stigma upon
the nation that persecutes, and which
arouses both sympathy and admiration
for The patient. suffering people of Poland.
and causes the republic 10 stand aghast
at the wanton trampHng upon the dearest
and most sacred rights 20 which mankind
IS entitled. JOSEPH sNoLIAskL
The Washington herald., 1908-01-26

Landtag legislation against tho Polish people.
In Che namcs Of 0m mothers. sisters. and wHes
who slmddcr aghast At the thought Il the real
tagodics which must inevitably follow the foFcible
eviction u Polish families from their ancestral
homes Ue ask an the women Of the world who
love their hrcsdcs TO Join IN appeal against this
y3aut0u disregard Of the most sacred rights of man
kind Under the German code. The destruction Of
bind nests IS prohibited Are only the family nests
of che Poles to be the spells Of vndieiseness and
yioleure4
For these reasons. We citizens of the United
States DO hereby nanimo1sly eueTgeticlly. and
selfmulg protest before the forum ct all cultured
aud lbsI.y-lGyiug nations r the world.
We express our sense of deepest gratitude 70 the
representatives of other uatious who by Indignantly
rfatcsting sgainst these proposed measures. raised
biEl the standard of justice.
70 ouf brethren ia Prussia We send onF deepest
amutly and e1ugss 0ur greatest admiration for
thcir heroic endurance u thc presence # uHheard
4 oalami'cs which had beislleH theu. We invoke
20 theit assistance tbe aid of Divine Providence
and druy believe tIst Tire inh1u moral strength.
currg9 and resistance of the Poles vii finally pre-
Eal over the 1utnges and prosecutions Of the Prls
sian government
FINALLY D. it resolved. That TINS protest he pub
lshed n fosU languages and copies thereof be sent
TO the President Of the United States, members of
DIS Cabinet, members d Congress representatives
Of fCIein powers. newspapers. edueatioual and
scientific institutions of all civilized nations.
May this yocr raised DO behalf # the oppressed
and peseeIt=d find an echo iu al noble hearts
The Washington herald., 1908-01-26

the greater part With the country send
ing over the wires something like 150O0,-
la0, QUO telephone talks every year, these
figures give some Indication OF the extent
10 which, through the telephone, the whole
country is being electrified.
At about the middle sos. when the
Western Electric first began to turn out
telephones the total output for the year
was $4,000 instruments. Now at its gigan-
tic factories in New York that total rep
rcSents only two weeks output. for the
instruments are manufactured at the as
founding rate of 5000 daily, or say 1900
COG year.
More than 2SO00 employees of this com
pany We're kept busy last year in turn
ing out the little talk machines and their
accessories the switchboards and other
apparatus being manufactured at the Chi
cago headquarters. The results of this
labor, if combined into a single instru-
ment would create a monster telephone
nearly 800 miles high and weighing almost
1000 tons-a colossal monument TO the use
of electricity in everyday life.
Other uses of electricity are almost too
familiar 10 mention The whole matter
is still a scientific marvel The business
man in his office looks at an electric clock
and takes an electric car for his home.
An electric bell is at his door: electricity
lights his house. and perhaps warns il,
too; it may even cook his dinner.
Electricity Moves World.
All the while the telephone keeps the
man in touch with the world wherever he
goes. Even the milk left at the door in
the morning is handled by electric ma
chinery in the dairy whence it comes; the
flour in the bread IS produced by cleo
trical machinery; the cloth which covers
ones body owes its debt 10 the subtle
vibrating medium
Indeed. the time has apparently come
when an old saying must be revised, for
to-day, at any rate. it Is electricity which
makes the world go round, although some
scientists find that love is an affair Of
subtle electrical currents. Herein Uncle
Sam has outstrlpped Cupid and is again
90 the front.
During the latest year covered by Fed
eral reports electric transportation lines
in the United States carried six times as
many passengers as the steam lines, al
though the mileage of the latter was sp-
proximateIy eight times greater. Yankee
push. which has built a trolley line TO
Egypts pyramids, the earth's oldest mon
uments. is to-day supervising electric
transportation all over the world. Every
year through this agency alone the cleo
The Washington herald., 1908-01-26

Philadelphia, Jan 25.-Capt John Has
eltne is sore" He is good and sore. "
He thinks II he knew the man that did
1t, he could give him a very interesting
session for fifteen minutes, and he stands
ready 70 try it, too.
It isn't that he lacks a sense of humor.
lie says he can take joke as well as
the next one. But there is such a thing
as carrying a joke too far and Capt.
HaseItine believes that with him things
have gone the limit.
The captain runs q little curio shop at
% South Seventeenth street. -Four times
within a year burglars have entered the
place, each time taking away with them
antiques or other articles Of rare value.
Yesterday when he came down to the
store Capt Haseltine found his noe
turnal visitors had been back again,
positive testimony Of this fact staring
him in the face in the shape of a smashed
front plate glass.
Disgustedly he entered the shop and
began to take inventory He went over
The Washington herald., 1908-01-26
ONE MINUTE STORIES FOR EVERY MEMBER, OF THE FAMILY
WITH THE J0KESMITHS,

He says he's welded to high tariff. "
"KVeII?'
7 take ii he didn't marry it to reform
/ it"-Loulsville Courier.
/ stella-so your father gave you your
choice2
/ Bella-Yes, he said he would buy me
either a count or an auto--New York
Sun.
/ Patient oo dentisU-This gas IS abso-
mtely safe, isn't #?
[ Dentist-Don't worry, sir. In these
times I couldn't afford to lose a customer.
Life.
MY wife never pays any attention to
| what I say
/ Mine dOes-sOmetmes.'
/ How do you manage it?'
! II talk I'm my sleep. London Opinion.
Stage Manager .(at rehearsaD-But you
/ laughed in the death scene. You mustn' [
/ do that
/ Actor-With the salary you give me
can only greet death with joy.-MeSgen-
dorfer Blaetter-
! Tommy Figgiam-Paw!
/ Pa Flggiam-Yes, Tommy
/ How did Ananias and sapphira come
4 to be such big liars?
I've forgotten. Tommy; but I think
/ they Contradicted the President-Chica6o
News
| Aigy-Perhaps you are right. Miss Tar
/ tun. but sometimes I Cawn't help think
| ing
/ Miss Tartun-Don't try 10 help it, Mr..
/ Slimpayte The exercise will do you
good.-Chicago Tribune.
do you think horseracing a crime?"
! Sure"
But you owned a string of horses last
! season"
That's Just It. I was referring 10 the
way in which my horses raced -"-Phila-
delphia Ledger.
"Ahr' exclaimed Miss Patience Come
whom Mr. Staylate had been boring with
! silly conundrums, that reminds me OF
the best thing going"
whats that?" he asked unsuspect-
ingly.
"a man who has stayed too Ions. a.
/ Philadelphia Press.
| Muriel-When you eloped with George
| did you leave a note telling your people
| where you had gone?
| Gabrielle-Why, of course. If I hadn't
/ how would papa have known where to
/ send us any mOney?-Illustrated Bits.
! Bronson-John G. Whittier. the Quaker
poet, would have been wittier If he had
/ been an Engllshman.
/ Woodson-How do you make that out,
| Bronson-Because he would have drop
ped his "h."-HaTper's Weekly.
! Now that I have consented 10 become
your husband" said the man to the Lear
! Year girl. Il want you to remember one
! thing"
yes, dear" replied the happy maiden
what is it?''
THAT don't want to hear any talk OF
your marrying me Just for the purpose OF
reformation. Detroit Free Press.
The Washington herald., 1908-01-26
SIS HOPKINS SAYINGS.
BY POSE AfFI.NII.LE-

Many people slam servsnts-feF s4lasm EN-
The man who hasn't a trouble % tell-isn't one.
The only thing horsis about an auto i7 the spark
plug
some men eat an awful 10, Of bread At an a Ia
carte restaurant
The idea! state Of the United States is mstrmony,
and plenty of h.
To attempt ara fail is better than not 70 III and
remain a f4ult-dnder
a missr can male a sweeping assertion without
throwing away his dust
Mas bon motto for framing: Everything worth hav-
inr must b. fought for.
No man has any business 10 Say that his boy Is
homelier than he was-o- Is
Why is t that a neer do wen always has some
fool woman 10 do well hy hIml
When there IS TOO much outside speculation, the
matrimonial bond decreases IN interest.
ia says it Is not h0v much money or how much
knowledge a man possesses. bIt what Is character,
That counts
Ma saws that She can't help wishing that the fel.
low VINO thinks he Is the greatest thug on earth
would walk on The asphalt.
When man wears side-whiskeTs. 70 IS SIRE sign
that he expects 20 sneak into heaven. But he bear
watching for mud guards" are often delusive,
The Washington herald., 1908-01-26

we would storm with our weak hands
the very gates Of heaven 10 know the
things which are hidden from us-we
would even dare 10 demand Of God HIS
intention concerning us-if-if We knew
where to ind Him, And when we have
done all we can, with our poor and finite
intelligeuce-wheu we have exhausted re-
search. and are WeaTIed of ComfOrtless
learning when we have been through the
tortures Of doubt and the midnight Of de-
spair. We are gently brought back out of
the desert of fruitless labor, and once
more we. the unwise rejoin the former
pilgrimage of wiser men. And l0t the
star which they saw IN the East went
before them till It came and stood over
where the young child was And when
they saw the star they rejOiced with ex-
ceediug great j0y.'-AIiss Marie COrellI
IN the London Lioyd's Weekly News
The above is only an extract from this
striking contribution to the literature Of
Christmasude. The article is written
with much force and freshness Miss
CureIli criucises with equal impaTtality
the new theology and the vulgarity Of
rich materialists. and deals vigorously
with current attacks on Christianity
The Washington herald., 1908-01-26
Reading and Hard Times.

From the Century,
II is said that I'm hard times people buy
books for presents. instead of more exc
pensiye gifts. The writers and printers
and publishers are interested in this ten-
dency. They think that there may be a
good deal in It. They hope that people.
in especially ecouomizing periods, may
not only turn more than ever TO the buy-
iuS Of books and magazines for presents.
bat for reading. Il would not be bad
outcome Of hard times If people should
learn 20 spend more of their time in
good reading rather than in the highly
expensive amuSemeuts and distractions.
The habit of reading is not only pTOfitas
bile 10 those who write, print. and publish,
hut. n rightly guided vastly profitable 10
those who do the reading.
The Washington herald., 1908-01-26
A NaIserly CIft.

From TitBits
The friendliness which has existed he
tween the Bueiows and the German royal
family gave rise recently 10 an amusing
episode. In the course Of conversation
at Potsdam the chanccllors wife re-
marked to the Kaiser that her mansion
badly needed cleaning. The Kaiser was
amused. May I help YOU TO clean ito''
he asked, and. taking the remark as a
JOKE, she asented. The next day several
large crates were delivered at the prin-
cess house and an autograph letter from
the Kaiser saying that he was doing his
share in the cleaning by sending her a
ton of soap. And every ounce was duly
delivered.
The Washington herald., 1908-01-26

From TIE London Chronicle
Christmas brings before us the true
IDEAL Of home as home should be-home,
which if poor, IS stnI sacred-if humble,
yet holy-if needy. yet rich wherever a
little child may call wise men 10 wor-
ship and angels 20 sing There Is no
hate in the Christ-Mass-it is the cele-
bratlon Of the birthday Of the worlds
betterment, and IS above al high ser
vices, q service az love.
Say what you Ike. I am a Christian
Let us feel and affirm this on Christmas
Day and on all days following after. For
We shall never evolve more humane
gospel. or "a more hopeful creed Science,
plungiug her keen eyes into the depths
Of darkness and anon soaring on Ter dar-
ing pinions into ilimitable spaces Of
light, shall find no such answer TO the
difficult problems Of human s0rr0W-nO
such balm for the soIace Of human pain
She may probe some of the simpler meth
DDS Of matter but Of the mysteries Of
spirit she shall learn nothing save
through one way, truth and Nfe. All 9TH
er doors are closed.
We think, We plan, we dream, we pray
The Washington herald., 1908-01-26
JAPANESE IN KOREA
Beat and Abuse Natives. Says
Magazine Writer.
MANY KILLED FOR PROTESTING
Residents Turned Out of Homes ou
the Slightest Pr0V0eation, While
Their Land, Farm Produce, and
Fishing Rights Are Taken frous
Them-CrOps Go 10 Waste.

r. A. Mckenzie, IN the Contemporary Reriew.
Korean property, land. farm produce,
fishing rights, &c, were stolen wholesals
by Japanese coolies and the Koreans
themselves were beaten and abused In
some cases Koreans We're turned out of
their homes by force by coolies who took
a fancy to them; I'm others. Koreans were
turned off their fishing grounds and killed
for protesting. Soldiers would nearly Kill
natives on the slightest provocatIon.
Every private was a summary court u
justice inficting what punishment hs
pleased.
The fay0Tite form Of punishment was 20
knock Il man down by a heavy blow IN
the stomach with the butt end Of q rifle
and then TO jump on his body hold him
down with one foot, keep him taut by
grabbing his topkuot, and kick him, punch
him. and hammer him with the butt end
OF the rife at pleasure. OF course. the
man treated IN this fashion often crept
away afterward and died in agony.
I passed through scores of villages COM
pletely destroyed by the japanese army,
with not a house, not q wall, not a lar
Of food left At one place Chee-chong. a
considerable town. not a house remained
save the yamen Of the magistrate On
every side ! heard stories Of women out
ragged wounded, bayonetted, and Of nom
combatants and children shot. The vii
layers and toWnspeopIe thus attacked
were not rebels, but the rebels had fought
near their homes, and that was enough.
Farmers Are Brutslized.
They were nothing more than sImpIs
farmers and their families, peaceful and
laW-abiding The japanese military au-
thorities had thought it necessary. to
quote the words Of one Of them. 10 show
the people the strong arm Of Japan"
In one small area I passed through the
former settlements of about 20O00 people,
made homeless, all their food supplies
gone. and now waiting on the bare hill-
the coming winter.
The case Of one village may serve -
tell Of what / found in many. From a
mountain pass looking down on the val
ley leading to I-Chon could see I'm front
of me village after village reduced TO
ashes. rode on 10 the nearest heap OF
ruins. The place had been the home 0f
quite large village, with about seventy
or eighty houses. Destruction, thorough
and complete, had fallen upon il. Homes,
food. and furniture had all been burned.
The villagers had come back 70 the
ruins again and had put up temporary
refugees of straw for their women folk,
while attempting 10 rebuild. The young
trees and the elders were at work in the
village The 1elds were rich with we'll
cultivated crops. ready for harvest bGt
there was no time to gather them iqs for
shelter was the first necessity.