The San Francisco call. [volume] (San Francisco [Calif.]) 1895-1913, 1908-10-29
tom FITCH SPEAKS
FOR REPUBLICANS
Veteran Campaigner Entertains
With Quaint Sarcasm and
RidicuIe
Eliminates His Arguments On
the issues With Charac.
teristic Quips

Tom Fitch, the veteran campaigner,
whose silver tongue has been coined
into phrases OF sarcasm and ridicule
year after year in the service of repub-
lcanism, addressed a big gathering last
night in the Sixteenth street theater.
Fitch is an old man now, white haired
and white mustached, and while with
his old fashioned white tie and states
mans frock coat there goes a great
deal of the old fashioned manner of
political speaking. he is strictly down
10 date in the way in which he aims
his shafts Of raillery at the democrats.
1t was more a lecture than a speech
that he read last night, but it kept his
audience in almost constant laughter
with Intervals Of enthusiasm punctuat-
ed by applause.
Fitch told his audience at the start
that he had recently come from Nevada.
where he had been studying the genus
democrat at close range.
The democrat of Nevada" he ex-
pounded. lis an unevolved political pro-
topiasm that has escaped the operation
OF the Darwinian law and is still prac-
ticing prehensile calisthenics in the tree
tops"
StiIl he begged the democrats in the
audience not 10 take offense. as he was
Amore anxious TO talk to them than to
the republicans.
1 come TO call the sinners, not the
righteous, TO repentance" he declared.
The democrats" he went on, have
no record except the record of obstinate
and futile opposition TO republican
measures. True. they have a short
record Of ascendency when they tried
10 make every door and window mu-
steal with the yowls of paper wildcats.
The democratic platform is an in
fyn1fra HE 4e1rrTT1a r.nr, nofbfnc
by which a democrat could pick out his
party on dark night. IL is like a
spanish Ola podrida in which the COM
placent cook includes everything he
ran lay his hands on, from chicken S
heads 10 sauerkraut. You must eat it
in ignorance and rely for your subse-
Quent compOsure on mixture Of in
finite mercy and carbonate Of soda.
flt is a composite of contrarietieS;
but truth compels the admission that
many things have been left out. There
s no mention Of Bunker hill or of the
Lords prayer or the doctrine OF total
aepravity. II denounces everything but
The climate Of Alaska and the doctrine
Of infant damnation. II hasn't even
3 kind word for the ten commandments
or the equator. To read il would give
Thomas Jefferson an epileptic fit"
Fitch pointed out that the democrats
that President Roosevelt has appointed
99.319 office holders at salaries ag
gregating S7O.O00.0O0.
They think he declared, that the
safety Of the country depends on the
republicans losing those jobs and the
democrats getting them"
= II you put the government in the
taHds OF the democratic satsa," was
another Of his quips. you Will have TO
ride him TO his home down below.
The discussion Of the tariff afforded
Fitch more opportunity for the dis
play Of humor. He was comparing old
conditions with new.
when Julius Caesar wanted a salt
water bath they jolted him TO the
Mediterranean in a springless chariot.
Mary. Queen of Scots, had no electricity.
no gas, no steam heat Henry VIII
never had his wives pictures taken.
Cicero had his teeth pulled without
chloroform. No king before King Ed
ward VII ever had his appendix re-
moved. oliver Cromwell never drank a
highbalL"
DR.. Hugh Lagan was 10 have presided
at the meeting. but in his unavoidable
absence William a Brace introduced
the speaker.