The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1908-06-07


out at Chicago durin' the convention"
remarked the House Detective.
Not at ALL" said the Hotel Clerk of
the St. Reckless; mot at all. All Teddy
wants TO be is the full-ieWeled move
ments and the hour hand and the mia
ute hand and the split second attach
ment and the gold-filled case, war
ranted for four years more, and the
correct likeness of a true friend pasted
10 the back lid, and the little dingus
you wind her up by. That's all Teddy
wants TO be. Big Bill can be every
thing else. He can be the gun metal
charm that hangs down on the outside
of the fob pocket.
mo, sir, Larry, on this occasion the
president is in the background. He
has taken a place in the background
and moved it we'll up front so that it
lops over the fOotlights and entirely
Obscures the leader of the orchestra,
which is where it properly belongs I'M
der such circumstances and where it
will remain as long as he's occupy
ing it.
HE says to the leaders of the party,
or TO the men who would be the lead
ers if all the leaders jobs were not
completely filled by himself. he says:
Gentlemen, / don't ask much. I'm a
man of simple tastes and many of
them. About all l expect TO do. is to
choose your standard bearer in the per-
son of one who will be acceptable to all
factions, the name being Taft, and I'll
make IL my business to see to it that
you have a nice. neat platform all
written out by the time you convene,
and I'll personally select the presiding
officers and the key-noters for your
convention. and, when I get round to
it. I'll decide on a campaign manager
and a national chairman for you, and
some evening after dinner I'll think
Up few good strong campaign poll
cies for you, and I'll probably let you
establish your campaign headquarters
on the back porch of my place down at
Oyster Bay. I'd give you the front
porch, but Kermit will be needing il
for his pet snake. You gentlemen may
look after everything else with the ex-
ceptiOn of these few details I have
mentioned
And what will that be?' timidly in
quires one of the chaps who would be
a sub-leader if there were any sub
leaders.
Why. let me see says the presi-
dent; surely there's something else.
Yes, now l have it-yOu boys shall pick
out the candidate for vice president
While we're on the subject / might
suggest, merely in passing. that the
party now holding the job would give
reasonable satisfaction. True, he's not
what you'd call a fancy vice president.
He has a figure like two sections of a
split bamboo fish pole. and he combs
his hair from under the left shoulder
blade. and he'll never be a really styl-
ish dresser until the new sheath skirt
comes into general use for male wear
bat, when alls said and DONE he's a
good, faithful creature and understands
general work and the care of the
young, and brought good references
from his former employers in Indian
apOlis when he first came to US. and
never has any stubborn opinions of
his own. or any other kind so far as
I've noticed. and on the whole / think
we might go a good deal farther and
dc worse. Oh, yes, I know he has his
vice, but I'm given To understand that
he can drink or he can leave it alone.
Thank you says the spokesman
OF the delegation in a tone in which
gratitude and admiration conflict with
several other emotions. Thank you
sir he says. Was there anything
else, sir?'
Well says the president in a kind
voice, I don't think Of anything more
at this time. but if I do I'll drop YOU
a postal. And in the meanwhile, let
Us all remember, gentlemen, that we
have the destinies of a great party in
our keeping. 1t had TO be a great party
or it never could have produced Lin
coin, Grant, Garfield. Mckinley and
Me. especially the last named. As an
added starter. we might include Mr.
Nicholas LOngwOrth of Ohio, my SON
in-law, who properly belongs i'm this IL
lustrious category, having, as you may
rry-fa. int In I
say, a great party and amply able tC
manage its own affairs, if competent
~ directed. So. with these few words
I guess you had better be running along
out TO Chicago and rolling your own lit
tie whoops and not bother me any more
because l have on my mind several af-
fairs of state and an engagement tC
take Elihu Root out for a walk and
tell him a few helpful things about the
practice OF law. Gentlemen, goOd-day;
here's your hats; kindly close the door
firmly on the outside as you go out
That's the way ii is. Larry. The
president is taking no active hand in
the convention because he had so many
other matters 20 engage his mind. For
instance, there's the case of Colonel
Stewart of the regular army. which is
so called because it's not. The presi-
dent did everything 70 keep him quiet
short Of strangling him with a pillow
line. AS long ago as last fall he sent
the colonel out to Fort Grant, which
is in a desirable section Of Arizona tC
any one desiring alkali, and commands
an uninterrupted view of a stretch OF
country gfeatly resembling Death val
ley, only perhaps not so densely popu-
lated. It was generally believed at the
White House that the colonel should
have been happy ana contented with
his new post. He had absolute con-
troll over a garrison consisting of q
aud a 1aaf annl anI ~