davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-05-30

.onm.Itses roast of that modest Con-
necticut flower. the Honorable George
Lilley.
TITS getting fierce" cried Mr.. Williams
or words to that effect, but a man may
be an honored and respected citizen on
Wednesday. be elected to Congress on
Thursday and on Friday he is under sus-
picion."
In a way that is true. Congress In Its
collective capacity does things for which
no reasonable excuse can be found and
more often fails to do things for which
there is every excuse in the world. And
individually. too. the proposition figures
out about the same way.
But please don't take that moanful
speech of John Sharps too seriously.
Congressman have been suspected with
Commendable regularity ever since this
government of ours first began to sit up
and blink at the sun. and they've been
waxing fat and sassy on It. too.
And why not? Suspicion-and there are
fifty-seven different varieties OF It's an
excellent tonic.
For instance: Suppose an Intellectual
and high-mnded constituency suspects its
chosen representative in the House of
loating on his job. of spending too much
time on the Cnautauqua circuit and not
enough in department chores. Does that
member. when informed of the suspicion.
assume a proudful attitude and beat on
his rounded chest until 1t booms like the
Geneseo Falls? Not noticeably. He
sweats chill. refined sweat. trembes
with prehensile fear, gallops up Pennsyl-
vania avenue. tears a hole in the side of
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-05-30

streets OF Washington. These contrap-
tons of the divvle, called automobiles.
are imperiling our wives and our chill
dren and-er-ourselves. that's what they
are.
The drivers of the Internal hewgags
have no regard whatever for human life.
They are in love with slaughter. They
gloat over the destruction OF the young
and the weak and the old.
I'VE get no protection from the laws.
The scoundrels who own automobiles are
rich and powerful. and they have got the
courts in their deadly grasp.
They NOW us down. with ruthless HI
larity. with their Juggernaut cars. and
We have no redress.
They spout at us with thei impudent
horns. and If we don't get crick In the
| back and a stitch In the kidneys hopping
out of the way. why, we're macerated into
the asphalt. and we have no redress.
The low-browed chauffeurs know that.
no matter what happens. they will have
the backing Of the lolling plutocrats who
employ them, and SO they go on. unham-
pered feeding their sanguinary instinct to
kill and to main.
I'VE can't step off street car that
we're not In danger of being ground to
flinders by one of these mechanisms OF
Beelzebub swinging up alongside the car
! step and hitting US on the most sensitive
portion of the wishbone.
1.-THE bloated sybarites who drive their
own automobiles are even more indurated
In their hellish resolve to kill and cripple
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-05-30

attentions of Anthony Comstock?
The bug editors battle u.s. Maybe they
know what they mean. But We cannot
believe that they do. and we are Vry
certain that wa hlmsel Shdfes 'his we"
with enthusiasm.
oh. YES / mustn't forget 10 say IN TINS
letter that Greater New York is now in
the throes of it's periodical mad-dog OBJ
session.
4 couple of weeks ago a man died over
here from what was calied hydroohobla.
Maybe it was that. and then. again. may
he II was not The man had been told.
as YOU remember. that he had to die
from hydrophobia. and so he went to his
home, had the doctors insert enormous
quantities of narcotics into his frame and
ma ssed out as per schedule. The leading
medical men of New York do not hest
tate to say that the man died, not Of any
such a thing as hydrophobia. but from
combination of fright and drugs.
But the theological papers gave vast
front-page room to supposititious and
hypothetical stories Of this purely maybe
hydrophobia occurrence, and ever since
they have been carefully and deliberately
working w one of the incest little mad
dog scares we've had around here for
some years.
1t was easy enough to guess the out
come Of all this when 1t began
Now mad dogs are breaking out,
'.foaming at the mouth and Swapping
at children" and such like three or four
dozen times day, all over Greater New
York
You'd think every day was the Fourth
of July to hear the popping OF the cops
guns as they go about their exciting
business Of killing mad dogs.
A door, starved mutt is caught lingering
in the vicinage of a garbage can on a
front curb, waiting for an opportunity
to kick in and seize out little something
to eat for himself when, well say. some
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-05-30
Ed


at the rate of about nineteen pounos q
day? That the carpets and rugs. al
exndine more dust than you'll hnd on the
Alexandria road after a long drousnt:
are still down? Well? How an ., III
Does it all come back to you now
But" protested Mrs. Jobson. leu ,..
didn't YOU expressly tell me. only NUS
while ago that this year you didn want
Madam interrupted MIR. Jobson. Win
his hest sepulchral solemnity. III you are
addicted to any drug or narcotic that az
fects your memory. it would be best 10.
YOU to come right out into the open anu
tell me about it, to the end that nave
YOU nut under medical treatment But II
YOU think I'm going to squirm arouna IN
this dump all summer with the PIaee
looking like the interior of a housed-over
polar expedition-if you think IN going
to mooch around here during the oos
DAYS with red-hot carpets and alr-screeh,
ing curt aims and all that kind of stun all
over the house, merely because you're
too busily engaged in reading Giynish III
erature to set the place to rights as II
ought to be set-why, you've got several
more hallucinations to come. madam'
that's all I've got to say. and II come
home here tomorrow evening without
finding a little summary atmosphere sort
of thrown around this environment, l
know where there's a pretty tidy sort or
a bachelor fiat to rent, and guess. may
be- I wouldn't like to have whirl In a
bachelor fat for a few years. just
guess, maybe. / wouldn't!
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-05-30

ing a Turkish bath. even II he happen 10
be a Chinese gentleman?
Because that is what the f1ashl1gnters
for several insectuous New York papers
did to WI Ting-Fang when that suase
ambassadorial celestial was takns MS
first Turkish bath here the other day
Yes. they lay in wait for WI until they
caught him upon the point OF siding INTO
the swimming pool and when ne was az :
rayed only in an abashed smile ana ms
blushtnR saffronesque cuticle. and then'
altogether with a report like New York
net Black Handlers blowing up prioge
or tenement house, they set on tneir
simultaneous hashlight cannonade. ana
the American representative OF Isl an
was caught on the films In all OF the DIS
mantled and stark innocence OIL any III
tie rosy Narcissus
Nunno, nunno. 1t wasn't right ana WI
Ting-Fang didn't waste any words. IN
saving so. As matter of fact, wa was
so per-turb-ed that he promptly gave ut
terance, in Chinese. to great many OF
the aphroisms of Kong Foo Chez. other
wise Confucius, and he uttered them real
raucously. too. Wouldn't anybody have
done the same thing? Because. to be
dashlighted just like that. while one is
right in the middle of taking his first Tur-
kish bath-why. certainly 1t is bound to be
disouieting. cer'nly. The insectuous pa
pers of course. couldn't publish the flash
lights that-a-way The staff artists were
compelled to drape these f1ashiight studies
in the celestial nude. and. thus swaddled.
the flashlights were given to a painting.
hankering populace.
Now isn't it funny that the ponderous
persons Of the EDITORIAL STATS Of these
New York papers should imagine that
we'd enjoy seeing reproductions Of fash
light photographs of a somewhat slender.
sinuous, not to say sure-enough thin.
Chinese person. wearing no more raiment
than would enable him to duck the legal
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-05-30

the real warm weather comes and the
windows are open and the dust comes in
upon the curtains"
II suppose you've heard OF that recent
marvellous discovery Of science, namely.
that curtains can be washed, haven't
you? Washed. you know-swabbed with
soap and water and things. Cleansed
Made clean. Whitened. Dirt eliminated
from 'en1. Maybe you've heard OF II"
But don't you always feel awfu!ly not
when you go into a room In summer
that still has the rugs or carpets down
and don't you"
Nope. and I don't feel chilly or chat
terry when I am tossed into Home
stead blast furnace. as I frequently am.
for expressing my ideas with regard to
tariff revision. Neither do feel dry and
all tucked up when I go into the ocean
for a surf bath. Come out of 1t. Car.
pets and rugs are made to go on floors.
aren't they? And there isn't any Dis
trict Of Columbia law requiring man to
hop around on bare bleak floors all
summer. Is there. just because parcel
OF Washington women who get their
ideas from their grannies want to have
it that way?'
But our upholstered furniture would
be ruined with the dust with the windows
wide open. and they'd"
Ruined nothing. All you've got to do,
IL you're not too tired and things, when
you're ready to shut the windows next
October, is to get a dinge to beat the
upholstered pieces with club, and they'll
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-05-30

back yards.
Shopping women are positive NUS
ance and a menace to motorists. They
should be required by law to do their
shopping by telephone. Old and infirm
people of course. should never be allow
ed to walk on the streets. Folks have
done all the foolish walking they need TO
do by the time they've got TO be old and
infirm.
street cars should be required to pun
up at all crossings to permit o. the pas
sage of automobiles. The Washington
motormen are the most inAudent OATS on
earth. Quit often they resolutely de-
cline to pull up for the passage of auto
mobiles and the drivers of the latter
have to bring the machines 10 full stop.
which is outrageous and unnecessary.
Its time for US owners of automobiles
to get together for the purpose OF resist
ing the unreasoning demands of pedes-
TRANS. These walkers want the earth.
and it's time that their impudent aspira-
tons should be trimmed
only motor cars should be allowed on
the suburban roads on Sundays. Last
Sunday l saw many carriages and bug
gies on the Conduit road This was an
outrage. and Maj Sylvester is reprehen-
sible for not having had mounted police
men on that road TO warn all horse
hauled vehicles from the road"
And so on and SO on and so on.
Yes. that's right. II certainly is differ.
ent when you own one.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-05-30

That's you to dot. That's all women.
when it comes to that. Slaves to Gus
tom Does the fact that you've always
at this time of the year yanked the
stuffing out of the interior Of this house
and made 1t look like an operating room
in a hospital-does that furnish any good
or valid reason why you should always
go on doing the same thing?
"Oh, WELL" said Mrs. Jobson. IT'S the
Washington way to strip the house
Strip 1t. that's the word said Mr.. JOB
son. That's where you hit the nall right
on the head. Strip the house. Make It
look Hike q ballroom. You got the correct
word right by the spitlock-strip it."
why, thought you always-
''Oh. I've always stood for this home
stripping gag OF yours every spring be-
cause I didn't want to become involved
in long argument with you. But never
approved OF 1t. I never could see the
sense Of this Washington scheme of MAX
ing the inside OF house look like the
inside Of a Wisconsin lumberjacks' camp
just because little streak of more or less
warm weather was due"
why, didn't you always say that you
liked the look Of GOODNESS and airiness
OF Washington houses in the summer. and
didn't you"
mo. and I didn't say that I liked to
massage my skin with poison Ivy leaves
or that I'd like to see the Washington
Monument fall down some nice evening
just for larks. For years and years I
have been silently protesting against
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-05-30

inst;nctiyely cruel snoozer of a young one
swirls along and throws missile at the
unfortunate cur. registering ouli s-eye.
The dog. surprised and hurt. gives a
bound and yowl ana goes piungins
down the street. not mad at all-even
if he be not tickled to death-but only
filled with the consuming intention OF
beating it away from there.
We'll. that starts 1t. The mere fact that
the hard-luck k-yoodle takes 1t on the
run gets the mad dog cry 70 WORKING.
It is easier to gather crowd In this town
than il is in Scruggs Neck. Iowa. and
a huge gang of pinheads of all ages take
after the fleeing mutt. tossing Things al
him 8 he and they run. and then batch
of burly cops spring out OF tne GROUND
needed-and they pull their pops and be-
gin TO exude lead at the dog. endangerlng
the lives of two-legged creatures III the
line of fire. and finally they poke three
or four pounds of metal INTO the oos' dlio
then the large cerise hea dlines appear on
the street. with lunatical but elaborate
warn of how "a mad dog. frothlng at the
mouth. and evidently IN the most oanseI
Gus stage OF rabies. that nad tried TO oile
scores Of women and cnlIoFen; nau peem
run down by brave oiiieei LUNG e"''
and SO on and so on ,,o ~
II is estimated that looUu ooss. az
Of them with more or less Oh d IlsHl "
live and to pursue wnaleEel napp.n 80
they may find. will be siausn.e.eu us ee
largely amnlified poundmasters prisade
in this immunity during the approach
Ing summer. all because this man aa, died the
other day from what the pes. on ,n alton , Of
In New York say was coihoiiia'ioi u
fright and narcotics. .,o.hars
And in the meantime sleWs anu sialie.s
Of nuear oh so queer. persons are writ
Ing the most hysteeal kin% thsy set se,
go. ~ s.aterent that not only can you
get hvdrophobia from dogs. but that,
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-05-30

your annual cutting Of this house. just
because other women do It: aand now I'm
going on record as to that proposition
It isn't going to happen that way this
year. and you can bet all the hairpfns
you can hold in your mouth at one time
on It,"
But with the rugs and carpets down
and lace curtain up and the furniture un-
covered the place will have such a stuny
appearance. and we will
"Stuffy nothing. stuffy my eye. tn re-
main a human habitation. and that's
more than 1t ever is when you get
through tearing all the works out Of 1t
as you usually do. I'm pretty tired OF
having my footballs echo on bare floors
around here for about five or six months
every year. There's too much OF the
woodshed atmosphere about all that stun
for me- And this thing Of having bare
windows except for the shades, never
did make any kind Of hit with me.
even II it is the Washington scheme to
rip curtains out OF all windows as soon
as the crocuses begin to pop. l only
manage to break out of this domicile for
about a month every summer. and the
rest of the time you expect me to sit
around in a gloomy shack. with ghostly
looking shrouds covering all of the furni-
ture and everything tied up as If It was
Lent and the floors naked and echoing
and all like that There's no sense In It,
and It's canned for the future. that's
all"
But I certainly am afraid that when
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-05-30
1oBsoN BUMPS INTO S0RROW-ar&@

just as good as new"
We'll hate to delay getting the house
ready for the hot weather" said Mrs
Jobson, with a sigh II am sorry now
that 1 didn't go right ahead and do it,
as usual, without saying anything about
it. and then it would have been all right
and you'd
NO. it wouldn't have been all right"
sternly declared Mr.. Jobson. Not by
hull new subdivision would it have been
all right. I've. been meaning for some
time to stick in little word with refer
ence to this housekeeping gag of yours.
It's been on my mind to flag 1t for some
time. You're not going to get me to live
in a stripped stye ever again. I've got TO
an age where l want to be surrounded
by some of the emblems of civilization.
/ don't intend to pass the hot weather
in this place. feeling all the time as II Ia
Just moved in and was waiting for the
carpet layer to get through beering up.
SOS he could run up here and put the
outfit in order. You've always framed 1t
up so that all summer I've felt like some
body just camping out in kind of wick
ie-up waiting for the deputy marshal to
swing along with his evictment papers
and toss me and my dunnage into the
street. The things going to go through
this year just as it's set. Curtains, UNI
draped furniture. carpets. rugs. the
whole scheme is going to remain un-
changed And you might as well get
that and make up your mind to 1t.
Mrs. Jobson, grievously sorry, as she
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-05-30

LABOR.
It was in these terms. and others. that
we adverted to the automobile outrage on
the streets of Washington.
We were never so much in earnest about
anything in all our life. either.
Every time we saw an automobile we
foamed at the mouth and gave other UNI
failing symptoms of having become In
oculafed with autophobia.
We would stand in the middle of the
street and shake our fist at passing auto
mobiles and their drivers. and the laugh
ter of the drivers in these circumstances
never failed to intensity our maniacal
fury.
We wrote many letters to Washington
papers about the deadly automobile In
this town, and when. by some accident.
one OF these letters was printed next to
pure reading matter we went around ana
showed it to everybody we knew IN the
District Of Columbia. in order to let them
see the high stand we had taken with
reference to the worst evil Of modern
times-ie. the rampageous and murder
Gus automobile.
Uh-huh.
But
Well. a couple Of weeks ago we nailed
sure-enough bargain. that's what we
did. FRIEND OF ours who'd got himself
into a hole from frivoling with the mar
ket had to part with his automobile IN
stanter for cash, and we got 1t for little
or no money.
burned good machine. too.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-05-30

little bit glad when the outlander drifts
along who insists upon being taken to
Coney We pretend to the outlander that
he's childish and kind of mental wart
for wanting to go TO ton nS ana we we, pun,
If we're doing him large favor by &C.
companying him down there; but we go:
yes, yes. we always go.
But 1t never is much fun. and that's
the truth How could anybody have
much fun wedged in a crowd of 100000 or
100000 perspiry folk. most OF whom
speak some other language than English.
and the whole gang aimlessly ploughing
along on only few acres OF walking
space?
Did you ever have any fun when you
were caught in the middle of the swarm
ing squirming crowd on Pennsylvania
avenue on Inauguration day?
Well, all crowds are inauguration
crowds at Coney and no streets OF Coney
are Pennsylvania avenue. And there you
have II.
Oh, yes. you can eat hot roasting ears
painted with rancid butter by brush
in the hands of an Notwithstanding
coney hobo. and you can bump the bumps.
and slide the slough. and kick the koon
and pull the expensive films out OF your
teeth with salt water taffy. and huri
many. many Of those high-collared
Coney malts into your rebelltous system.
and masticate hot-dog sandwiches. and
all like that.
But why should you?
No. Coney isn't glad. Maybe I am de-
veloping into a peeve. but think 1t Is
the ungladdest place on the globe. !
never come away from there that I don't
feel like spending about four days in
Turkish bath. II there is any pleasure"
resort on top of the earth where one can
accumulate a GUNNER feeling for the
same amount OF money. I'd like to be no.
titled. so that I can look 1t up In the
gaxetteer-and dodge It.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-05-30

Only Girl No. to present the pup to her,
for she had, frequently expressed her
self as being on the verge of dissolution
owing to her intense. but unrealized. han
kering for a Boston terrier.
II guess maybe I haven't found you
a peach of a purpsky or nothin.' eh?''
said the clip to the young woman. lying
with great cheerfulness and volubility.
He was born in England and he only
the other day. Fellow I know over in
London sent him to me. He's blue rib
boner. all right enough. and both Of his
progenitors have won hundreds of prizes
at the British bench shows. l don't
spose there's finer one Of his breed IN
North America than that purpkovitch,
and I wouldn't give him to anybody else
on earth but you, and you ought to know
it, don't you?" whereupon he made
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-05-30

usually feels that favor has been done
him by the gentleman from Illinois. But
just the other day Mr.. Chapman perform
ed this operation upon a colleague and
later that same colleague. stalled tor
couple of hours in a committee meeting
and perishing for a smoke, reached LOT
one of his fayorites and found the &C
customed pocket as empty as Mother Hun
bard's cupboard. So he thought things
about Uncle Pleasant. and that afternoon
on his way home from the Capitol ne
stopped in at q cigarmaker's and spoke
softly. Said he:
Il want you to make me cigar-1ust
one-and l want you to make it resemble.
in outward appearance only. Romeo and
Juliet perfecto. But the inside l leave
to you. with but one injunction 1t must
be anything but tobacco. Put rubber IN
1t. put rope in it. put rags In 1t. put any
thing in it that will make 1t taste IKE
crime against nature and its smell pro
fanation of the air. And when you nave
1t made and all stuck together, ornament
it with a Romeo band"
And the next day on his way back to
the Capitol ehe plotter stopped at the
cigarmaker's. paid a good price for the
aristocratic looking outrage he had order.
ed. and put it in his vest pocket. AND
Uncle Peasants dear friend waited LOT
Uncle Pleasant to come along
He came, And after he had been chat
ting with the dear friend for DIT ne
began the customary search. his race
lighting up like a stained glass window
when he found the near-Romeo. So he
lighted up and walked away.
No one saw Uncle Pleas any more that
day or the next He was. in the honeyed
accents Of the Appian way. Non est:
Apparently he had fallen down we'll
Roll calls came and roll calls went. but
there was no response when Uncle Pleas
ants name was called. Dust accumulated
on his desk and his private secretary
gained three pounds from the enforced va
cation.
A couple of mornings later Uncle Pleas
met the cigar giver. The sage of Egypt
Gllinois) was smoking a long. shaggy.
bilious tobacco roll that looked as II u
might have been made in Pittsburg or
Oil City. Pa. and he was pale and wan
Also he did not reach for smoke SUCK
in his accustomed fashion.
Have a Romeo" Uncle Pleas? sug-
eested the friend, after a five-minute chat.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-05-30

..They seem to positively try to get
themselves run down by automobiles.
'.They mooch across the streets. right IN
the path of automobiles, at snail pace
and even when they hear the warning
horn they merely look up stupidity and
continue on at their dragging gait
This I take it, is combination OF
stupiditv and defiance. Whatever 1t is. l
for one am getting tired q it. and ! am
going to give some of them q free SHOVE
long hereafter II they try to pull mat
defiant tagging gag on me.
"They appear to be too thick-witted 10
comprehend the fact that owners of auto
mobiles have got rights, just as well as
pedestrians. and these motorists rights
are going to be maintained
my solution of the matter would De 10
keep all pedestrians off the streets entirely
EXCEPT at certain hours of the day. re-
destrians should be allowed to walk-al-
ways at a brisk gait-to and from their
work. but the streets should De cleared
o. ali walkers between these hours.
1.-The benefits of walking have been
tremendously exaggerated. anyway. and
neonle should not be allowed to trudge
along at a caterpillar's pace getting In
the way of automobiles and interfering
with the inalienable right Of motorists TO
try all of the speeds OF their cars II they
want to-
children should not be allowed on the
streets of Washington at all. They snouid
be forced to play In the alleys and In the