davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-04-11

was made the occasion of quite a mot
you know. exuded by heartless wag of
saloOnkeeper. The publican was ap-
pealed to to contribute to fund to help
bury the young policeman. who had not
belonged to the force long enough to be
entitled to the benignities of the police
burial fund e
What dye want me to chip in for"
inquired the saloonkeeper Of the solicitor.
ITO bury policeman" was the reply.
How much dye want?' asked the
groggery proprietor.
"Oh, a dollar" was the reply.
Here's ten dollars-bury ten OF 'em,"
said the saloonist. who had been annoyed
by cops enforcing the excise law.
Those Awful Hats.
I wonder If the F street girls will be
wearing these buzz-saw lids that the New
York girls are now guillotining folks with.
This very afternoon 1 saw some dozens
of those deadly specimens of feminine
headgear. and If some Of them were not
four feet in diameter then Mr.. Fairbanks
isn't five feet tall. Those sailor" hats
Il wonder why sailor because if a
sailor were to show up on deck with one
of them he'd be clapped into the brig in
double irons before he could reach the
smoking lamp)-these razor-edged top
pieces, / say, are giving the New York
men something additional to worry about.
You see, these new hats make decapita-
ton not only easy. but one would i'm
agine, positively painless. All the girl
has to do in order to remove from this
subunary sphere the man she doesn't
approve of is to give a little forward dart
of her head, and there the poor hard
tucker stands. with no more head than a
reed bird on toast-although. presumably.
he doesn't know it. the thing has been
SO quickly and deftly done. The New
York man has already learned not to sit
next a girl with one of these hats in d
car. Because she has only to work her
jaws in masticating her gum to perform
an amount of scrollwork on his skull that
makes him look like one of those Jan
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-04-11

bosom Of old Shipmate Neptune'll do for
me II I can't have my bathtub in Wash
ington in the good old summer time, and
I'll try to dub along hathaway
"Oh. i just hate to do this. Honest. I
do IT seems like I'm talking about some
member Of my family. 1t inks and can
kers me.
But | just gotta do II. Because. boy.
il AMT any summer resort. | know
that I'm holding myself up to public m
fanny. especially in the eyes Of the Wash
ington-as-a-summer-re I'm eXudinE
these oeevish observations, but ! can't
help II. I've got to square myself some
how or other for picking up my feet and
vampinG far. oh far. far anyway. little
Alcwyn from dear old Wash'nun when
the furnace blasts roll along and hit II.
and this is the best I can do. But I sure
am going TO pick EN- up and go again
just as soon as | can get the getaway
framed up after the baked-by Iiadea
simoons begin TO sweep athwart the wide
Washington spaces. and you watch me
oh. very well-just you watch me go when
that hour comes"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-04-11

of an aneSthetic.
with women it is different. Don't take
me as meaning to imply that women like
anesthesa or. indeed. that they haven't
actual fear of the effect of the anes-
thetic. I should hate to get so far away
from the mark as that But women,
while you'll commonly hear them give
expression to the bromidium. I'm so
afraid of ether" or L hate to think of
chloroform.' certainly possess no profound
dread of anesthesia that is in any way
comparable to the mans dread of it.
Women have a great faculty for making
up their minds about things. as maybe
you've noticed. They yield to the inevi-
table with better grace than do men.
When the woman plainly sees that there
is no way out of il except for her to sub
NIT to an anesthetic. why. that settles 1T
with her. She makes up her mind to go
through with it, and that's all there is
about it. Maybe it's manifestation of
and reversion to the ancient law of
feminine obedience. The man who s
scheduled to take an anesthetic fights
the idea of the thing right UP to the min
ute that he crawls or Is lifted upon the
tai BILE, and even after he begins to inhale
from the cone sle is figuratively shaking
his head about ii and protesting against
it away deep down in his miGrff.
Men who are booked to surrender
themselves 10 anesthetic will worry
and haraSs their medical men constantly
with all sorts of extraordinary hearsay
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-04-11

to allow any strangers to purchase any
thing for them. So that when one of these
juts in and. taking up a
swaying attitude at the head of the aisle
howls for a basket apiece for everybody
in the caboose, he has. of course. to be
Gained and soothed and cooled out. or. if
he isn't able to see the what-fOr Of that
process, conducted elsewhere. And If he
refuses to be conducted elsewhere and
throws out premonitory signals that a
roughhouse is what he is really hankering
for, 1t is sometimes-nOt often. but some
times-necessary to invoke the aid Of
three or four uniformed colored persons
to sit snugly on various portions of his
frame until he makes 1t clear that he is
for the quiet life.
There are other ways of diminishing the
purchasing enthusiasm OF these persons
who want to have the entire contents of
the works emptied at one fell pour-out.
A couple of nrorNhs ago at Chicago L
picked up a real clip Of chap with
eight or ten million pieces-of-eight that
he was going to invest immediately with
me in bubble suds for everybody on both
sides Of the club car aisle and at each
and all Of the tables. He really was there
with the securities. for he tossed pack
age Of rubber banded C-papers on the
table that almost took the polish off it
when he demanded me to fetch forth just
about enough of the winksie fluid TO float
three or four battleships. so that he could
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-04-11

himself to q omparatively harmless. sur
gical operation. It's hard to strike aver
ages between such widely divergent view
points. But 1t is certainty that sur
geons are sometimes almost led to believe
that in some respects women and men are
as far apart as any two planets you
might name.
eff mad the time-which I never ex
pect to have-I should like to investigate,
In the scientific mood and manner. the
actual underlying overlapping reason
why men have such a far greater dread
of anesthesia than women. That they
do any surgeon will tell you. Ninety-nine
men out of a hundred possess an Unborn
and incra dicable dread of surrendering
their consciousness to the power of an
anesthetc. Indeed most men really
dread the anesthetic more than they do
the consequences of the operation. Even
when the average man knows that the
operation which requires him to submit
himself to an anesthetic Is a comparative
ly trivial affair. his whole mind rebels
against the thought of the anesthetic.
Even when he Is assured that his chances
of coming out of 1.-THE aneSthetic are about
$3.50 in 10000 he sticks to this dread. 1t
is something which, apparently. he can't
reason against. 1t is inherent instructive.
an integral part of him. / have seen
some of the strongest en-strOngest
mentally, ! mean. and often physically.
too-slump to state of abject. really pit
able spinelessness at the very suggestion
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-04-11

Washington as a nix-nX summer resort
I've seen the rain walloping the asphalt
and being turned into Missy steam TOO
often. My shoe heels have sunk too
often into that boiling. bubbling concrete.
son. I've been hit slanting and direct
raps by the summer sun of Washington
that made me dope it out that the ba-ad
place. after a summer i'm Washington.
could only afford change of scene but
none Of temperature. and I'm the Heap
Know on this topic.
"Ye-eh. that's fine about sticking
around Washington in the summer and
being Mister Fewclothes when you're not
hustling for the pay envelope and having
your own grub and bath tub and all like
that. Great Gur-r-r-reat' But you can
have 1t. pally. You can have all of il.
I'll live on prunes If / have to when
go anyway. but go anyway I must and
shall what time the summer solstce
comes along and hits Washington
thwack that makes ii seem like some
thing on the lee side Of forest fire that
works while YOU sleep. Some nice limpid
crystalline lake or the broad, turbulent
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-04-11

begin to count the bubbles right away.
Then he leaned hard against the door
jamb and made spooch in which he not
only invited, but demanded everybody
then in the car to pick up quart under
his arm and retreat back to his lair and
lick ii up SOS he. the purchaser. could
see 'em all in the act of enjoying EN-
selves.
There were only about eight men in the
car then. and they all looked indulgent and
agreeable over the young mans demand
that they absorb his purchased lot OF am
Der booze-all except one sawed-off man
OF forty or so. with plain black sack
suit and a rundown celuloid collar.
who was pushing an unaSsTming drink
OF rye into his person, and who regarded
the proceedings of the purchasing young
man with considerable visible asperity.
He pushed away the quart bottle that
that engaging youth offered him, and he
pushed it away with a hand that wasn't
a little bit gentle. At the same time he
made some observation about cut-ups
and leases that ought to be playing jacks
or mumblety-peg somewhere on the front
steps with their little sisters instead OF
annoying grown-up folks who were trying
TO extract solace and quietude from their
liquor.
This got the boy with the heavy wad
and the previously acquired package on
the raw right away. He stood off and
gazed out of one eye at the little man
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-04-11

that blankety blank acousticon gathers
I'D all the .cuss' words and everything
else I may happen to want to say ana
distributes it all over the universe.
And then this aggrieved member pro-
ceeded to unfold to ME narrowing tale
of how. a couple of days before. he had
been sitting at his desk, chatting with
several colleagues. and had told a non
parlor story of great wit and JOY. he
didn't think any more of the conversation
until the following day newspaper man
stopped him and remarked:
SAY. got any more stories like the one
YOU told yesterday on the floor of the
House,?
And upon inquiry the member learned
that at the time he was telling the story
the newspaper man was loafing down IN
the committee on invalid pensions ana
was amusing himself by listening to the
floor proceedings through the acousticon
During lull in the proceedings he had
heard the story. related in almost WINS
per by the member in question to his col
leagues Nowadays. when that particular
member is in his seat he is as loquacious
as claim. and says If the acousticon
ear" is left alta ched to his desk he's 60
ing to stab it with knife and put 1t out
Of business.
'Rah, 'Rah for Oregon.
Some weeks ago Representative Jones of
Washington-one OF our leading en'hu-
siasts on the subject of fruit culture out
Washington way-pressed upon me an in
terview in which he related some Of the
wonderful get-rich-quick profits that We're
being made out of fruit ranches and veg
etable farms | sort Of suspected at
the time that possibly Mr.. Jones might
have been Kind to his imagination when
he produced the unassalable facts set
forth in his personally conducted inter-
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-04-11

go forth into the highways and byways
and tell 'em that Washington in the sum-
mer time makes the top of Pixies Peak
feel like the lining Of the kitchen stove
when they're baking shortcake. by COM
parison. But | can't. l just can, nix. 1t
isn't in the cards.
mo matter how passionately l may he
addicted to research in the domain of
conology. | never have been able to sat
urate myself with the bunk that Wash
ingtOn is within eighteen thousand nau-
teal leagues of being a summer resort.
It's the Paris of America all right. It's
the hub and heart and pulse of the
ton. It's the CeaneSt, f1owerest. shadi-
est. decOra tedeSt fine-bufldingest. best
governed town in the western hemis-
phere It's a lot of things. I'll give You
all of these things, and then all the green
trading stamps you can carry home. Bit
it AMT no summer resort. I'm fork
ing away from YOU there.
W see Golde. I've been kicking around
Washington for long time. and | put in
heap of summers here. yas'm, deed All
did. And I'm there with the know about
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-04-11

'It seems to listen to these Washing
ton aS-a-summer-resort boys. that this is
the sure-enough swept-byozone town In
the summer time. If you paid any atten-
ton to them you'd end by believing that
Washington is just about the cutest little
summer resort we have.
It's all imagination they gasp at
you this gag that you've got TO hop
away from Washington in the summer
time That idea has been propagated by
enemies of the nations capital. What's
the matter with Washington in the sum-
mer time. hey? Hot. you say? Well.
isn't it hot any old place in the summer
time? Isn't it hot in Philadelphia. NV
York. Baltimore. Chicago st. Paul. or.
ding it all. isn't it hot even in Atlantic
City i'm summer? Surest thing you know.
old hawss. That's all monkey-piff1e about
the heat of Washington in the summer
time Folks that go jamming away from
here in summer just don't know any bet
ter. that's all. They stampede out. of
town Just because they see other people
doing it. OF course. it gets q little warm
here right in the middle of the dog-days
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-04-11

New York, with good cuts of beef at %
cents the pound. and the % cents hard
TO get. to say the least-why should they
all talk their heads off about the pune
tured connubialness of the A. Wander
bits? Why should the shop girls, hus-
Ting to work on rundown shoes, squeak
and clipper all the way about the ex-
ploded maritdlness of the A. Vanderbilts?
Why should men who have worked hard
particularly at tossing the poker dice
for the drinks on the way home) be
asked by their eager. all-prinked-up
wives at the dinner table whether they
think A. Vanderbilt had really misbe-
haved or had not?
Picked Wrong Winner.
From where this present chroncler sits
all this eructation of gas over the banal,
if gilded, woes of the A. Vanderbilts
seems mighty superfiuous and unneces-
sary. There's q circus in town, too. and
presently Coney Island will open. Then
at pinch. one might converse about the
art of making paper flowers Why, there
are heaps of things to talk about.
The analysts, though. get at one shrewd
point in this Vanderbilt business. This
concerns the seeming difficulty wealthy
men exhibit in properly appraising the
respective merits Of their sons Cornelius
Vanderbilt, you recall, was to all intents
and purposes disinherited by his dad be-
cause he married Miss Wilson, whom the
elder Vanderbilt didn't like. Cornelius
took his medicine like a sport All the
time, too. he was the real man of the
Vanderbilt family. even If his younger
brother, the A. Vanderbilt OF these plati-
tudes. was set in his place by the father
Cornelius is all man. He is hOnored and
respected, and. still better, liked in this
town. He has done things. He has the
civic spirit. His wife is admired not only
on this side the sea. but i'm the courts of
Europe. The Cornelius Vanderbilts have
a fine. rosy-faceo brood of children And
A. Vanderbilt. the head of the family. as
per the directions in his fathers will
knows how to drive a four-in-hand, and
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-04-11

as if ii were gospel. even If the observa-
lions made by the Englishwoman are lust
as peevish as they can be. II would ap-
pear as If. not knowing thing about
ourselves. we are just laundering TO be
told by people from over yonder Amefi-
can women, no matter how distinguished
don't trip gaily off a boat in England
and then, few hours after getting there
begin to uncoil their views of things
British from their angle of vision. II an
American woman did. she'd be ground o
flinders in the English humorous papers
and they'd take 1t as good deal of pre-
sumption on her part. at that But no
English individual man or woman Is too
obscure TO be taken seriously when he or
she chooses to eXude more or less warped
and biased views about the inflnitesimal
section of the United States which is
called Manhattan fsland-and the visitor
infallibly judges the whole broad land by
what he or she sees at this landing place.
Wherefore the Handsprings?
II truth. the more we think about Ameri.
cans, the more we're impressed with the
conviction that they're extraordinarily
nice. modest, tactful and non-bumptious
folks compared with whole lot of other
peoples.
After all. there is no particular reason
why We should cavort around and turn
handsprings and things merely because
Mrs. II. Ward. estimable lady novelist
that she is. guardedly approves of us Be-
cause even if she didn't. you know. there
wouldn't be any help for it. We'd just
nave to keep on plugging at ii in the same
old way, doing the best we could. and
hoping that We weren't any more offensive
than we could help being. We've got TO
go on living. approved or not. We've got
to go on being Americans. even if some Of
our visitors do find us rum lot
Thered he no use crying over the adverse
criticisms of our overseas visitors At
that. we might grovel little less when
they say things either in praise or In.
blame. CLARENCE l.. Cullen. :
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-04-11

every inch of it from Swampoodle to-er-
to Parasite alley. and I'm natural-born
bug about Washington. Booster and
pugger for the town. Always crack it
up to the skies when i go away. and
mean every word of it. There just isn't
any nicer town on earth to live in than
Washington during the greater part of
the year.
Now maybe you apprehend the preface.
anyhow.
But. Nanny, Washington is NOT
summer resort. 1t just AMT. l couldn't
lay my head on the pillow at night and
be coniforta BILE with myself if I ever per-
mitted myself to take the position that
Washington is a summer resort-be cause
it sure is NOT.
Far be it from me to say that which is
to follow in anything louder than a little
Enomish WhiSper-but Washington. bless
your brave. CHEEKY little heart. is just one
of the Billy be-dingedest hot towns in the
summer time that you or anybody else
ever clapped a violet-blue wick on. and
that's the herewith. Sunlocks. 1t certain
ly is. l wish it were not. l wish 1 could
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-04-11
Ni
VNE
kR
as

works of ivory carving that you see on
the boardwalk at Atlantic City.
Needless to say, these diane trical Sky.
pieces are hideously ugly on any kind of
girl. Even the unspeakable mushroom
headgear was a dream of beauty COM
pared to this new thing. But girls will
be. etc. etc. and. anyhow whose bust
ness is it if they like 'em? SO there now.
A Little Too Thorough.
After all. there is such thing as being
too methodical A few afternoons ago a
young woman with a lot of cute puffs
and fashionable hrsute protuberances
dropped into a 9th avenue department
store on LITTLE. shoplifting expedition for
herself She picked out several suits Of
late Paris ideas In underwear, a number
of pairs of silk stockings and little as
sortment of shirt waists. and the sales
girls weren't any the wiser. Now, if she
had just gone away from there every
thing would have been all right. But this
she did not do, being, it is to be derived
a methodical person who desired to be
sure of hanging on to the things she had
surreptitiously acquired. So she went to
the womens parlor of the department
store. and, to the amazement of the other
women (who, quickly lefD, she disrobed
1Hen she began again 10 dress by dom
ming the several suits of swiped under
wear. Then she assumed the other gar
ments and started to leave. Thereupon
the detective who had been summoned on
account of these methodicaf proceedings
put her under arrest
Really. l never did it before your
honor" she said, archly. to the magis-
trate when she was arraigned.
Really. 1 should hope not" said the
magistrate. And now the young person
probably will have to go to Blackwelrs
Island No doubt of ii at all there's such
a thing as being too thorough.
A la Mrs. Humphrey Ward.
Mrs. Humphrey Ward appears to be en-
joying her first visit to these shores She
has been immensely taken up. Of course,
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-04-11

and all like that. but. then us folks that
stay at home can dub around the house
without much clothes on. and have our
own food and bath tubs. and-er-oh,
shucks Washington is just as good
place to spend the summer IN as any
other and you know 1t. durn it!
That's the sort Of shape in essence,
their rawlings take. AS l say. l always
let 'em plunge right on. Doesn't disturb
me in the slightest.
But I always go right away from this
little summer ashington-in the
summer time. and stay Just az long as |
can make 1t stick. all the same. l just
naturally do.
Because. you perceive. Marmaduke.
that all this gleeful gas about Washing
ton being summer resort is just
But wait a minute. Get me right at
the go-off SO you'll understand me thor
oughly by tire time get through.
IT am Washingtonian. Three cheers.
Yep. certainly am a Washingtonian.
Just love the little old place. Crazy over
it. Been living here. off and on. most of
my life, and it's home to me. Know
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-04-11


M recently about the acousticon
wv which is being installed In the
House of Representatives.?
Can il he accounted for by the fact that
the bump of wonder on the human head
having of late years been subjected to
great shock and overstrain. is gradually
becoming smaller and smaller and more
and more calIous and that all newspaper
persons know 1t and conduct themselves
accordingly? Maybe so. Just the same
the acousticOn is a wonderful little affair
not so much in itself. perhaps as In the
way Of an Indicator of future conditions
Ground the Capitol
First off. however. II probably wouldn l.
he bad idea to explain. for the benefit
of those who haven't read even the little
that has been published on the subject.
something about this invention Visitors
to the hall of the House of Representa-
tives during the past week should have
noticed. if they didn't. number Of little
round black hard-rubber disks attached
10 the top rails of several desks in each
section on both sides of the House. These
are the franSmitterS of the acoustlcOn
system and. while they work or the same
general plan as the common or garden
telephone. they are about q million times
more sensitive than any telephone appa-
rafus ever installed.
Indeed, some members of Congress are
inclined to term the sensitiveness of the
ACQUISITION "scandalous.' and to back up
this description by more or less truthful
tales of the invasion of the privacy of
1nouth -to-ear conversation by the deviliSh
little instrument Al any rate. It's certain
that the old prcverb little pitchers have
Zig ears has been brought to the at