davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Wisconsin tobacco reporter. (Edgerton, Wis.) 1877-1950, 1908-01-17
Saw His Own Finish.

Some time ago the wife of Judge
Blank lost her cook, and, since she had
no other resource, she rolled up her
sleeves and for a week provided such
meals as the judge had not enjoyed
since those happy days when the
Blanks did not keep a cook. The
judges delight was so great that by
way of appreciative acknowledgment
he presented Mrs. Blank with a beau
tiful ermine cloak. Quite naturally the
incident was a good deal noised about
among the social acquaintance Of the
Blanks and a spirit of envious emula-
ton was developed in certain quarters.
1t was in this mood that Mrs. Jerome
recited the story to her husband.
what do I get, Jerry" she asked,
eff / will do the cooking for week.?
WELL" said Mr.. Jerome, sat the end
of week, my dear, you'll get one of
those long Grape wells '-Argonaut.
The Wisconsin tobacco reporter. (Edgerton, Wis.) 1877-1950, 1908-01-17
The Hanging judge.

When Lord Norbury, 1.-The hanging
judge" as he was called in Ireland,
was sentencing man to death for
stealing watch, he said:
MY good fellow, YOU made grasp
at time and caught eternity
Nothing seemed to please Lord Nor
bury more than the continual uproar in
court, created by his puns.
What is your occupation, my honest
MANI" he asked d witness.
please, your lordship, l keep
racket court"
$50 do l." said the judge
When Lord Norbury was being
buried, the grave was SO deep that the
ropes by which the undertaken was let
ting down the coffin didn't reach to the
bottom. The coffin was left hanging
midway while somebody went for new
ropes.
aye" cried one in the crowd, ''give
him rope enough; don't stint him. He
was the boy that never grudged rope
to a poor body
The Wisconsin tobacco reporter. (Edgerton, Wis.) 1877-1950, 1908-01-17
Economy.

Economy is the science Of buying a
two dollar hat for 1915 when a good
one may be had for 81. 1t is harm
less and fascinating pursuit for those
who can afford it, but poor man has
no business to fritter away his time
and substance on such extravagances.
Women are particularly addicted to it
and often become SO skillful that they
are able to get through January with
out encroaching ON their April allow
ance Men who have such wives are
naturally very proud Of them and are
willing to redouble their efforts, if nee
essary, in order to provide them with
the means to develop the habit-Life.
The Wisconsin tobacco reporter. (Edgerton, Wis.) 1877-1950, 1908-01-17
Rank FOOliShneSS

when attacked by cough or cold,
or when your throat is sore, it is rank
foollshness to take any other medicine
than DR.. Kings New Discovery" says
G. D. Eldridge, OF Empire, Ga. II have
know it is the best remedy on earth for
coughs and colds, Group, and all throat
and lung troubles. NY children are
subject to Group, but New Discovery
quickly cures every attack" known the
world over as the King of throat and
lung remedies. Sold under guarantee at
W. G. Atwells drug store. SOC and S1.0O.
Trial bottle free.
The Wisconsin tobacco reporter. (Edgerton, Wis.) 1877-1950, 1908-01-17
Interested.

81 had a narrow escape from being
run over this morning." remarked
Johnson. Hughes, who was with me,
only saved me by showering blows on
Just as the umbrella broke the animal
stopped, and was pulled out from be-
meath the wheels of the wagon
Had the umbrella a silver handle
shaped like a shepherds crook?" asked
his friend Binks anxiously.
II didn't notice particularly, and, be-
sides, he broke it to pieces stopping
the horse. Why?"
Nothing; only he borrowed mine
yesterday -Pearson's
The Wisconsin tobacco reporter. (Edgerton, Wis.) 1877-1950, 1908-01-17
When She Goes to the Theater.

Il just don't want any seats at all
unless they're good ones The last
time l was here ] sat behind post,
and l said right then that I'd never
come into the place again if-I think
those over there might do Huh.
Um-m-m! Mighty funny how all the
good seats are taken before the box Of
fee opens.
mo. don't want those There's a
post in the way, and, besides, the Wot-
shername family always sit there and
there is post too. | guess I've been
in this theater before. | wouldn't mind
those, but they're right by the bass
drum, and you can't hear yourself talk.
what! Two dollars apiece for that
kind of show? And not next to the
aisle, either. Lots of people say you
can see just as good and hear better
in the balcony, anyhow Well, you
can give me those two down there.
They're not as good as I'm used to
having, but guess No. don't be-
lieve I'll take them, either.
Cant you lay aside those two, and
those two, and those two for me, and
when I decide I'll send my husband
around after them? Huh? WE'LL |
think you're very accommodating
What? Of course | want to buy seats
Just you give me those two, young
man, without any comment of any kind.
Impertinentv'-I News.
The Wisconsin tobacco reporter. (Edgerton, Wis.) 1877-1950, 1908-01-17
With Thanks.

John Budd was most sedate, pre-
else and altogether exemplary young
man. When he wooed and won Susan
Smiley, the belle of the village, every
body rejoiced at Johns good fortune.
However, he bore his triumph with
modesty and decorum until the day of
the wedding. Then for one awful mo-
ment his air of aplomb failed him
When the officiating clergyman asked
Twill you, John, take this woman tC
be thy welded wife?' John respond
ed blushingly, Eyes, please. "-Harper's
Weekly.
The Wisconsin tobacco reporter. (Edgerton, Wis.) 1877-1950, 1908-01-17
All Alone.

Some legends, especially those with
moral, die hard. A little boy had
told a fib with the carelessness Of
imaginative childhood and was receiv-
ing the conventional rebuke, coupled
with the threat that the conventional
reward of the future would not be his
unless he told the truth.
Wont there be anybody in heaven
who has told story?' asked the small
boy, much interested.
mo. DEAR" answered his teacher at
a venture
The small boy drew long breath
Of deep reflection. "How jolly dull for
George Washingtonv' he remarked
London Chronicle.
The Wisconsin tobacco reporter. (Edgerton, Wis.) 1877-1950, 1908-01-17
The Utility of the Ok.

I should think the OK is the most
useful - postmortem - of all animals.
We eat it's flesh. We make manure Of
it's blood. We use it's horns for lam
terms and combs Buttons and glue
come from it's hoofs. Its bones be-
come margarine or manure. In the
knife handle we use it, in leather, in
gold beater's skin, felt roofing; every
part of it's internal economy is part Of
our external economy, and it's fat is
incandescent Cor not as tallow.-Fry'
Magazine.
The Wisconsin tobacco reporter. (Edgerton, Wis.) 1877-1950, 1908-01-17
Proof of Marian Life.

That life is in Mars is founded on no
assumption, but on massed evidence
that is conclusive, and the reader
should realize that opposition to the
idea that we now have proof of life
on Mars is not based on reason, but on
emotion, however speciously cloaked.
All scientific objections have been met
and shown untenable as to tempera-
ture, snow, etc., but human prejudice,
as with the Copernican system or the
origin of species, time alone can dispel.
Professor Lowell in Century.
The Wisconsin tobacco reporter. (Edgerton, Wis.) 1877-1950, 1908-01-17
ENGLAND In VIRGINIA,

If an Englishman wants to feel at
home at once in the Uuited States he
must go to Virginia. I was spoiled ev-
erywhere, but nowhere more than in
Virginia. They love England there
with special affection, are very proud
of their English ancestry, and at an
old Virginia country house such as we
visited during the week at Richmond
you might easily fancy yourself in an
old park in Sussex or Worcestershire.
Bishop of London in London Do
cesar Magazine.
The Wisconsin tobacco reporter. (Edgerton, Wis.) 1877-1950, 1908-01-17
A Cure for Misery

II have found cure for the misery
malaria poison produces" says R M.
James, of Louellen, S. @. cts called
Electric Bitters, and comes in 50 cent
bottles. 1t breaks up case of chills or
bilious attack in almost no time; ard
it puts yellow iaundice clean out of COM
mission" This great tonic medicine and
blood purifier gives quick relief in al
stomach, liver and kidney complain )
and the misery of lame back. Sold
under guarantee at ". G. Atwell's drug
store.
The Wisconsin tobacco reporter. (Edgerton, Wis.) 1877-1950, 1908-01-17
a Classical Story.

l am going to tell you classical
story. Listen:
The wooden horse was standing be-
fore the city of Troy.
''That seems a heavy BEAST" said
Paris to Hector. Nov, what would
you say was it's weight?"
''Troy weight, of course" replied
Hector.
II didn't mean that, you great hec-
toring brute!" was the reply. but the
wit of the other had turned Paris
green with envy.
The Wisconsin tobacco reporter. (Edgerton, Wis.) 1877-1950, 1908-01-17
CALLING a Skeptic.

Wayback Senior-The time I went to
phant-
Wayback Junior Gnterrupting)-H
never had white elephant, dad. 1t
was fake.
Wayback Senior (bristling up)-A
fake wuz it? Col durn We! I s'pose ar
ter We go to college fer another year er
two ye'll be tellin' me I never seen
real live mermaid in tank Nv water!
Brooklyn Life
The Wisconsin tobacco reporter. (Edgerton, Wis.) 1877-1950, 1908-01-17
His Method.

Your speech sounded fine," said the
attentive listener, ''but, do you know,
can't remember half a dozen words
of it,
That's good" answered Senator Sor-
ghum. 1.-THE art of speechmalzing con-
sists in pleasing the ear without fur
nishing any data for subsequent con-
,tradiction. Wa shington Star
The Wisconsin tobacco reporter. (Edgerton, Wis.) 1877-1950, 1908-01-17
It Does the Business

Mr.. e. E. Chamberlain, of Clinton
Maine, says OF Bucklen's Arnica Salve
at does the business; / have used it for
piles and 1t cured them. Used it fol
chapped hands and it cured them. Ap.
piled it to an old sore and il healed il
without leaving scar behind" 25c at
w. G. AtWell's drug store.
The Wisconsin tobacco reporter. (Edgerton, Wis.) 1877-1950, 1908-01-17
A Higher Health Level

II have reached a higher health level
since | began using DR.. Kings New Life
Pills." writes Sacob Springer, of West
Franklin, Maine. They keep my stom-
ach, liver and bowels working just right
If these pills disappoint you on trial,
money will be refunded at w. G. Atwell
drug store.
The Wisconsin tobacco reporter. (Edgerton, Wis.) 1877-1950, 1908-01-17
Cruel.

"I'm developing quite a passion for
motoring said Miss HOamley. Il
wonder if it's harmful
'Quite the contrary" replied Miss
Cutting. Il should think it would be
very becoming to YOU
"How do you mean becoming?
"Well, you know, dear, you can wear
q mask while motoring Louis Re-
public.
The Wisconsin tobacco reporter. (Edgerton, Wis.) 1877-1950, 1908-01-17
OF Vital Importance

No other organs Of che body are so es-
Sc initial to good heelth as the kidneys.
Foley's Kidney Remedy makes the kid
neys healthy SO that they will strain out
the impurities from the blood which is
constantly passing through them. Com
mence taking Foley Kidney Remedy at
the first sign of danger.-W. G. Atwell.
The Wisconsin tobacco reporter. (Edgerton, Wis.) 1877-1950, 1908-01-17

JIMMY was walking in the woods
when all at once l came on the biggest
kind of rattlesnake Pa-How do
you know it was rattlesnake, Jim
my? Jimmy-By the way my teeth
ratified as soon as saw him.-Chicago
News
The Wisconsin tobacco reporter. (Edgerton, Wis.) 1877-1950, 1908-01-17
His Arch Look

Sally Gay-What cunning little fell
low Mr.. Callipers is! Dolly Swift
Cunning? Why, he's dreadfully bow
legged Sally Gay-Yes, but that gives
him such an arch look, you know
Truth
The Wisconsin tobacco reporter. (Edgerton, Wis.) 1877-1950, 1908-01-17
Simple Remedy for La Grippe

La Grippe coughs are dangerous as
they frequently develop into pneumonia.
Foley's Honey and Tar not only stops
the cough but heals and strengthens the
lungs so that no serious results need be
feared. The genuine Foley's Honey and
Tar contains no harmful drugs and is in
a'yellow package. Refuse substitutes
w. G. Atwell. Mar ]
The Wisconsin tobacco reporter. (Edgerton, Wis.) 1877-1950, 1908-01-17
How to Avoid Appendicitis

Most victims of appendicitis are those
who are habitually constipated Foley's
Orino Laxative cures chronic constipa-
ton by stimulating the liver and bowels
and restores the natural action of the
bowels. Foley's Orino Laxative does not
nauseate or gripe and is mild and pleas
ant to take Refuse substitutes. w.
The Wisconsin tobacco reporter. (Edgerton, Wis.) 1877-1950, 1908-01-17
Also Takes Them Off.

'Your friend puts on good many
airs
81 should say he does. He's deD1-
Onstrator in a photograph store. ..
Exchange.
The Wisconsin tobacco reporter. (Edgerton, Wis.) 1877-1950, 1908-01-17
His Counting Habit.

"YOur husband says that when he is
angry he always counts ten before he
speaks" said one woman.
YES" answered the other II wish
he'd stop it. Since he got dyspepsia
home seems nothing but a class ia
arithmetic. London Mail
The Wisconsin tobacco reporter. (Edgerton, Wis.) 1877-1950, 1908-01-17
Rah, Rah, In Germany.

Theater Official Ito students)-You
are not allowed to join in the chorus,
gentlemen. Students Don't you wOr-
ry. We are singing something quite
different. -Fl;egende Batter.
The Wisconsin tobacco reporter. (Edgerton, Wis.) 1877-1950, 1908-01-17
How to Avoid Pneumonia

You can avoid pneumonia and other
serious results from cold by taking
Foley's Honey and Tar. 1t stops the
cough, heals the lungs, and expHls the
cold from the system. Refuse any but
the genuine in the yellow package. W.
G.. Atwell
The Wisconsin tobacco reporter. (Edgerton, Wis.) 1877-1950, 1908-01-17
Two TTuwe1cOrne Visitors He

Two Unwelcome Visitors Here
At this season la grippe and pneu-
monia cause more deaths than consump-
ton. Foley's Honey ard Tar cures la
grippe coughs that may result in pneu-
monia over night. Do not take chances
with cold when Foleys Honey and Tar
will quickly cure it. W g. Atwell.
The Wisconsin tobacco reporter. (Edgerton, Wis.) 1877-1950, 1908-01-17
His Elattery.

Eyes, ma'am," the convict was say
ing, 'I'm here jist for tryin' to f1atter
a rich man"
1.-THE idea" exclaimed the prison Wis
itor.
Eyes, ma'am; 1 jist tried to initiate
his signature on a check"
The Wisconsin tobacco reporter. (Edgerton, Wis.) 1877-1950, 1908-01-17
Her Own Money.

Husband-What! Another new dress :?
Wife-Well, don't be so cross. I bought
Your own? Where did you get it from?
Wife, sold your fur coat-Bocian.
The Wisconsin tobacco reporter. (Edgerton, Wis.) 1877-1950, 1908-01-17
Crushing a Bore.

Young Borem (back from travelling
In Europe)-And SO, you see, 1 didn't
take the advice of that fellow who
said, '.See Naples and dier'
Miss Sharpe with a yawn)-What
pity!
The Wisconsin tobacco reporter. (Edgerton, Wis.) 1877-1950, 1908-01-17

The upper crust of society depends
on the amount of dough underneath
Philadelphia Record
The Wisconsin tobacco reporter. (Edgerton, Wis.) 1877-1950, 1908-01-17
This is Worth Remembering

This IS w Orth Remembering
Whenever you have a cough or cold,
just remember that Foley's Honey and
Tar will cure it. Do not risk your health
by taking any but the genuine. 1t is in
a yellow package. w. G.. Atwell.
Arizona republican., 1908-11-20

Phoenix Engraving Co, Phoenix. Ariz., is now prepared to do all kinds of half tone and line engraving for magazines. books and illustrations for advertising purposes. Maps, labels, bills and letter heads, also go out and make views of photograph objects to be engraved. This is something you need done-here at home. The Phoenix Engraving Co. can do it. Call at 211. South 1st avenue up stairs room II.
Arizona republican., 1908-11-20
MRS. MAY GOODRICH
 DIES IN CHICAGO
Sudden Death of Former Resident of Phoenix and Mother of Roy S. Goodrich.

Mrs. May A Goodrich, former resi- dent of Phoenix and mother of Roy s. Goodrich. died yesterday at the home of her sister Mrs. Helen $. Pond in Chicago. The funeral will be held in Springfield, Mass. Roy $. Goodrich left yesterday for that city over the Southern Pacific.
 Mrs. Goodrich was on her way to Phoenix where she was in the habit of spending the winter since she and Dr. Goodrich moved from here to Spring
Arizona republican., 1908-11-20

field. While on her way she decided to pay visit to her sister in Chicago and while there suffered a paralytic stroke. A short time later a second stroke was felt. which was the cause of her death
 Dr. and Mrs. Goodrich were well known and liked in Phoenix. They lived here up to several years ago when they moved to Springfield where Dr. Goodrich died a year and a half ago.
Arizona republican., 1908-11-20
SALE.

It ls CrystalIized Cactus Candy, That makes the world seem bright. Then keep box hardy Of CrystaIlized Canoy To keep you feeling right. And if there is a girl expecting That you will call tonight
 If you want a kiss thst
 Is brin full of bliss, get 4 package of Crystallizsd Candy
 At DonofrIo.'
Arizona republican., 1908-11-20
JOHNSON, PHOTOGRAPHER, LOS ANGEL ES

If you want the pure juice of the ap- ples for your mince meat. or a refresh ing drink, call up Melczer Brothers Company, Main 75. Seventy-five cents per gallon.
Arizona republican., 1908-11-20
NAVAJO INDIAN BLANKETS.

Special sale. Large assortment. ! Prices right and goods genuine. Miller Sterling Co, 9-11 F. Washington.
Arizona republican., 1908-11-20

Real New York Sweet Apple Cider at Melczer Brothers Company, IA West Adams street Phone Main 75. enty-five cents per gallon, phone Main TX
Arizona republican., 1908-11-20

pr. Emmons fits and furnishes glas- ses 36S N. 4th avenue.
Arizona republican., 1908-11-20

See Dr, swigert for Correct Glasses.
Arizona republican., 1908-11-20
MaSSie < Sons

Have just received a carload of new Iron Beds. They have beautiful Springs and Wire Cots. Nice Mattresses. Also a nice lot of new Dressers just received. We have a new line of nice Ingrain Art Squares besides the 9x12 Ak minister Rugs in the Oriental design. Comforts, Blankets, Pillows, Mattresses for the bedroom. New goods arriving daily. 50 new Stand and Center Tables just arrived. Buffets, Extension Tables. Come and try our Rockers; select one for your parlor. See the 5c and 10c counters. We will buy all your Second Hand Furniture. Bring us your old Carpenter Tools.
 MASSIE & SONS.
 IA W Washington St.
 Phone Main 257.
Arizona republican., 1908-11-20

When the evenings are eosf
 And you boys begin to esii Take her Donofrio's cactus candy And ysu're surs to be if =K.
Mower County transcript., 1908-03-25
Important to Subscribers.

Under construction Of the postal
Jaws, and an order issued by the Post
master General, no subscriber to q
weekly paper can be carried for a
longer time after his subscription has
expired than one year. Otherwise his
paper must be excluded from the mails
at second class rates. Under this rul-
ing publishers can no longer extend
credit beyond a year, and subscribers
must have their subscriptions paid up
as the additional postage for delln-
uuents will make too heavy an expense
Our subscribers will save us a lot OF
unpleasantness by paying their sub
scriptions now. Look at the date on
your printed label today and remit 50
as to save us expense and trouble
When YOU send in, better make 1t 1909
Mower County transcript., 1908-03-25
THE CHlNk Is A WHITE MAN.

Fashionable .Negress Ordered Him
49,. Out of Car for Jim Crows. 49,.
1.-THE public generally considers that
Jim crow cars were demanded be-
cause a white man objects to riding
beside negro" said conductor on
the Southern Pacific road a few days
ago, "but l saw an instance on my
last trip that makes the white mans
position doubtful.
"A dirty-lookiEg Chinaman, with
dirtier roll of old clothes, walked into
the car. He seemed to have hunch'
that he didn't belong with the white
people. He sat down in the negro
compartment beside welldressed ne
gro woman.
Il had woatced the proceedings with
some interest and followed him into
the negroes car. AS soon as en-
tered, the negro woman, who, I judge
from her bearing, was Of the black
400, said: 'Mr. Conductah, will you
kindly remove this offensive white
person?"
81 chewed on the end of my tongue
and swallowed a few laughs. The al
mond-eyed fellow was quite distinctl,
not a negro, so I led him into tht
white peoples car 1t. was quite
crowded.. so he occupied seat beside
a handsomely dressed woman"
Mower County transcript., 1908-03-25

CHASED BY HUNGRY WOLVES.
Climax of the Story Proves to Be a
Great Surprise.

Climax of the Story Proves to Be
Great Surprise.
Ared-faced man was holding the
attention of little group with some
wonderful recitals.
''The most exciting chase l ever
had he said, happened short time
ago in Russia. One night when sleigh
ing about ten. miles from my .dest1na-
ton l discovered, to my intense hor'
ror. that I was being followed by a
pack of wolves. I fired blindly into
the pack, killing one of the brutes,
and to my delight saw the others stop
to devour it. After doing this, how
ever, they came on again. kept on
repeating the dose, with the same re-
suit, and each respite gave me an op-
portunity to whip up my horses. FL
nally there was only one wolf left, yet
on it came, with it's fierce eyes glar-
ing in anticipation of good, hot sup
Here the man who had been sitting
in the corner burst forth into fit OF
laughter.
"Why, man." he said, '.by your way
of reckoning that last wolf must have
had the rest of the pack inside OF
him!"
"Ah!" said the red-faced man with.
out tremor, now remember it did
wabble q Bit
Mower County transcript., 1908-03-25
Lenten Services.

The following speakers will be heard
during the Lenten season at Christ
Episcopal church in this city. The
public is invited.
Special services Wednesday evenings
at o'clock.
March 25.-Rev. Theo P. Thurston,
rector of st. Paul church, Minneapolis.
April Rev. G. H. Hills, associate
rector of st. Marks church, Minneapo
lis.
April 8-Rev. Irving 2. johnson, rec
tor of Gethsemane Church, Minneapt-
lis.
On Sunday, March %, the Rev. Rufus
Clark, D. D, of Detroit, Mich, will
speak morning and evening.
Mower County transcript., 1908-03-25
Collection Of Horseshoes.

The English duke Of Rutland has
the walls Of one Of his castles adorned
with thousands of hors.s',o as,,tee 81 cat, gI
lection having been 'set'; a 80, ;;'ips !
ago. Among theesz,' go 4 shoe es.ssyan oss
Queen Elizabct s;'si's' s.; * 2.
Queen Victoria.
Mower County transcript., 1908-03-25
Freak of Royal Etiquette.

BY a remarkable law of etiquette
which has existed for a number OIL
years at the court of Siam, no person
is permitted to sleep in an apartment
situated above that occupied by the
king. A deliberate breach of this rule
has on more than one occasion been
punished by death.
Mower County transcript., 1908-03-25
Unequaled as = Cure for Group

"Besides being an excellent remedy
for colds and throat troubles, Chamber
lain's Cough Remedy is unequated assa
cure for Group, ',3says Harry. Wilson 81
Waynetown, Ind. w hen given as soon
as the crOupy cough appears, this
remedy will prevent t-the attack. It il
used successfully in many qthouands 81
homes. For sale by all druggists.
Mower County transcript., 1908-03-25

Caddie to Foozle (who has slowly
hacked his way to the first hole)-Wull
ye he gon' the whole round?
FOozle-Yes, of course. wy?
= Caddie-Only they'll be wantin' the
links tomorrow. It's medal day.-Tat'
ler. .-------