Bismarck daily tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1881-1916, 1908-01-22
A V|CAR|OUS EP|CURE
Scheme Of a Man Whose Diges.
tive Organs Were faded.
GAsTRoNoMIc JOY BY PROXY.
He Couldn't Eat Himself, but He
Secured the Markets For Game and
Dainties For Feasts For His Friends
and Watched Them While They Ate.

BEES IuluSS, Caught Ill Olu uySpepllCI
friend Of mine doing a curious stunt.
He was watching gang of negro
street PAYERS eating their monday
meal. He watched them with sort Of
fascinated gaze. The feats they were
accomplishing in the way of projectingl
absolutely impossible things into their
systems seemed weird and almost un-
canny to my dyspeptic friend. One Of
the negroes particularly seemed to hold i
the enraptured focus of my friends
vision. This negro had for his noon
day feed two gigantic sandwiches,
composed of thick hunks Of boiled salt
pork stuck between big slabs of bread.
He gulped these two sandwiches in
about four bites and then licked his
chops in hungry sort Of way, as if
they'd only about tasted like more to
him, if more were to be had. 1t was
spellbinding spectacle in the view Of
my dyspeptic friend. It looked incred-
ible, out Of the question. 1t seemed to
him such spectacle as might be af-
forded by the sight of a boa constructor
feeding on full sized and kicking
donkey.
"sEnjoy that stuff?' he asked the big
darky.
'Had he enjoyed it! The darby grin
ned and licked his chops suggestively.
"'Could you eat any more O. that
junk?' he asked the big negro.
'"The negro invited him to try him
dared him, in fact, to find out.
"'Get a couple more Of those sand
wiches,' my friend said to the black,
and gave him the money to pay for
them at the wagon presided over by
the negro woman in charge of feeding
the gang.
1.-THE black sat down with the other
two huge salt pork sandwiches and
put them away with the same easy and
facile JUNCTION that he had exhibited in
disposing of the first two. Ny friend
stood and watched him as he put 'em
away. Then he shook his head over
and over again. He couldn't under
stand 1t. 1t was beyond reason. His
own diet consisted of little milk with
graham waters, and the idea that any
two legged creature could get away
with, much less like, such a terrific
mess as those four salt pork sand
wiches came to-oh, it was the world
upside down, that was all.
'Well, thh; dyspeptic friend of mine
reminded me Of rather celebrated
1 character who used to live In Washing
/ ton many years ago-now long in the
land of the beyond. He was noted
wit and bon vivant. But through ex-
cessive and kinkish eating and drink
ing - drinking particularly = he had
quite ruined his stomach long before
/ ever met him. he had ruined it so
thoroughly that he could eat nothing
but frozen food-frozen consommes,
frozen fruits, frozen creams, and the
like. In fact, he existed almost wholly
on ice cream, which was made partic-
ularly for him by chef whom he en-
ployed for fixing up his frozen foods.
Hot stuff of any sort was poison to
this man with the lining Of his stom-
ach all gone, and even morsel of the
sort of natural food we ordinary NOR
tails partake of would have put him
out Of the game entirely.
$50, with praiseworthy philosophy,
this clever and accomplished man re
signed himself to the system of getting
his gastronomic fun by proxy-that is
to say, he'd enjoy watching other folks
eat He'd provide the ways and means
He'd do all of the buying. I've enjoy
f ed some rare old feasts myself at that
mans Washington house. was just
!, one of the good eaters, with a perfect
stomach, whom he had on his list.
He'd find out the stuff that or any
!, of the others liked the most, and ther
. he'd have us come to his house to par
f take of that stuff. There'd be terrapin
$ perfectly cooked game of all kinds
!. richly fixed vegetables, ornate and ricl
j. pastries, extraordinarily fine coffee, de
lightfully bouqueted wines every thing
= imaginable, and good deal OF thu
stuff, as you may imagine, to the las
degree indigestible, except for folk
i whose internal mechanism was Of cas-
iron and in perfect working condition
:, "And SO, with such spread all Sc
: and in process Of being served, thi
: wit, all in himself, from the castro
It nomic point of view, would lean bacl
g and just watch us fellows, friends Q
t. bis, eat and enjoy ourselves. He'd b
taking little mouthfuls Of his froze
stuff-a bit of frozen asparagus Q
frozen consomme, or the like-whil
we went on with the feast, and there
be wistful CLEAN in his eyes as b
!. watched us putting away the duck
and the terrapin and the choice wine
-he wasn't allowed mouthful {
wine even, should have said. The
when it was all over there were hug
p cigars ready for us-he wasn't permi
IF ted to smoke anything whatever-an
u then we'd just lie back and blow tt
heavy, odoriferous rings Of smoke I'M
his face and enjoy life up to the en-
Of the handle.
"Now, we used to wonder If tn
- man wasn't inflicting needless tortu
, upon himself, but it really seemed
!. IL he was not. We used to ask hi
III about that, in fact, and he inyariab