Republican news item. [volume] (Laport, Pa.) 1896-19??, 1908-06-25


Away back in 1876 a man named
Turpin established u restaurant in
Yuma, and among Turpin's original
employees was waiter named Job
Straight, who could shoot with great
precision, play draw poker with un-
varying success and pack eighteen
plates Of miscellaneous grub upon one
bare arm at one time. He could exc
cute all the prevailing melodies either
on piano or guitar, and he possessed
the most tremendous baritone voice
ever heard In Arizona. Why. men some
times went 10 Turpin's just to hear Joe
deliver gastronomic orders. No per
feet description can be given Of that
voice, however, except to say that at
times it really did make things clatter.
Once fresh young cowboy from
near Gila Bend entered Turpin's for Il
Christmas dinner who took startling
concoction as an appetizer and then
" shouted to Straight:
"Say, there, Baldy! Bring me some
grub"'
Job was at first appalled,; but, recOv-
ering his reserve limit of equanimity
he brushed an imaginary breadcrumb
from the frescoed tablecloth and
whisked bill Of fare from the varie-
gated castor and placed it before the
new young terror of the Bend.
Take it away" cried the latter in
tones that could give Straights ordi-
nary, everyday baritone castle and
checkmate it in five moves. Il don't
want to read your darned old tract
! don't care a darn who came into the
world to save sinners. Bring me some
grub-g-r-u-b. Grub. Grub! Grub!'
What do you want?'
"Rattlesnakes on toast! And l want
you to hump yourself!"
whats thatT'
"'ve given my order, you baldheaded
old cigar store sign, and l want you to
get move on yourself, p. d. q, Rattle
snakes on toastv'
"Rattlesnakes Oh toast, cried Job to
the cook in accents that would have
basso profundo been living and heard
them.
"RattleSnakes on toast!' was the re-
verberating response from the cook
upon receiving the order.
There were dozen or more people IN
the restaurant. and their eyes were at
once turned on the young person from
the Bend and the infuriated waiter.
IN the meantime the cook had taken
a big catfish and cut ii into four strips
and rolled these strips in batter. so
that they much resembled the Wand or
dered. and after placing them in the
frying pan he stuck his head out of the
kitchen and shouted to Job:
You want them rattlers rare or well
done:"
The waiter repeated the interrogatory
in eyclonic way, and the terror re-
piled in as violent q tone and manner
as he could command. "Well done. with
plenty of gravy and Chill Colorado"
And then Job thundered to the cook;
"Well done, with plenty of Chilli Colo
RADIO, hot as -, and moccasln gravy
on the side and brochettes Of sand
crane livers and Gila monster lights"
There was an instantaneously dead
silence in that restaurant. and all eyes
were again cast upon the terror and
the waiter. The former turned ashen
pale and began to weaken perceptibly,
while Job gazed at his victim.
Maybe you don't think We can serve
ali the market affords" muttered Job.
Maybe you don't like moccasin gravy
or brochettes la mode. Maybe you
amt hungry"
Say. You've got mel amt hungry,
so help me. couldn't eat single hard
boiled egg. Countermand that burned
order, old man. and I'll pay all ex-
penses and set 'em up as long as any
body can drink. Beg pardon, gentle
men, all. My first attempt to be ter
ror-pardon me, gentlemen. It's my
lastn'
And then he handed his revolver to
Job and added:
Take that pistol, old man, as
present and promise me that the next
time any burned fool comes in here
and calls for rattlesnakes on toast
you'll shoot him dead"
But Straight was too raving mad all
the way through to willingly emerge
from q situation only tolerably tri-
umphant. So he took the weapon Just
as the order was being placed on the
table and. pointing it at the terror.
eXclaimed;
Now, then, my boy. dump yourself
into that chair and eat them snakes
bones, skin and all!'
The young fellow did as lie was com
manded, but after finishing his repast
staggered the uncompromising Job by
shouting:
Il say, Badly, bring me another