davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-27
ANACOSTIA SAGE SUGGESTS NEW YEAR RE

mornin' I would a. smoked . piece o.
bi-toominous coal. At noon I would a.
killed the man who offered me even as
much as the makin's. At 10 o'clock that
night 1 was smokin' like a steamboat
steam. sparks and all. This was the
way Of it.
There was a man from Prince George
county who told me that plug Of
chawin' terbacka cooked in a pot Of
coffee and drunk at breakfast time
would cure the hankerin' for drawin'
the delicious nickoteen into the lungs.
1t would act, he said, like a vaccination
To be innoculated with the stuff that
makes lace curtains shrink with hor-
ror would make me a thirty-third de-
gree member of tn Anti-Cigarette
League. 'Twould keep my future wife
and her mother from goin' into a state
o nervous decline on account o. the
stale terbacka smell that identified my
trail through the house.
II WAS willn' to make tn sacrifice. as
was then young man, an ineXperi-
enced In tn way of women. T was
boardin' a TIL time and had to include
in tn experiment eighteen young Micks
who was in tn house. It's painful mem
DRY. ! can see the whole eighteen OF EN-
ftSll1 out INTO IN open air Sroanin
with pain and swearin' that the land
lady was an A. z. y. and had pisoned
EN-. / can remember myself gaspn'
what l devoutly hoped was my last
breath and murmurin' weakly that I
should a taken tn absent treatment
for tn terbacka cure. l spoiled that
glad New Year day for tn eighteen
Micks and myself. Instead O spendn'
the day in the company of my future
bride and her estimable mother 1 lay
on cot in tn orspital, while two un
feelin butchers worked over me with
a stomach pump. The eighteen Micks
were on other cots with medical stu
dents expermentin' on EN- with dredg
in machines. 1t spoiled the whole day
for us, as it was after 6 o'clock when
they turned us loose.
"A stomach pump certainly does give
a man an empty feelin'. | remember
thinkin' ! hadn't tasted food nor drink
for twenty long years. So the whole
bunch of us went down to Dinky Hicks
place and broke all the pledges in the
world.
= X
u can remember that fellow tried to
initiate a mushroom for an hour at a
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-27

from place to place after dinner in tn
search for amusement
These facts startle 20; and yo' realize
ye're driftin' on the mud flats without a
paddle an that yo run a grave danger
o bein' stuck till food tide. So yo' make
a sweepin' resolve. 1t covers much of
everything that is included in tn po-leece
regulations from profane lang-widge to
shootin' crap with loaded dice and re-
moves such a canker from yere moral
bein that it's wonder yo' don't sudden
ly sprout a pair o wings. Ye're very
much like a balloon with all the ballast
suddenly hoisted overboard-ye' takin
q short cut to heaven.
That's the way with many a citizen
O tn District O. Columbia. The young
married men resolve somethin' every New
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-27
The Wise Wife-Cho0ser.

WIT. TURNER. the Lusitania's new
W captain. has for motto: ITO get TO
port safe is to get there soon" He sa d
in New York the other day:
ITO be quick, to be prompt-that is the
secret of success in sailoring. in life and
in matrimony.
AT Christmas dinner aboard my old
ship. the Caronia, the lady on my right
said:
y good way to pick out a husband
would be TO see how patiently the man
waits when very hungry. for Il Christ
mas dinner that is behind time.
Madam. said / a good way TO pick
out wife is to choose the woman whose
Il nnerS - Christmas or otherwise are
never behind time
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-27
A Big Drink.

John d. ROCKEFELLER. testifyine in
} the governments suit against the oil
trust in Kew York, during tae .,.Ierm!s-
sions in his evidence talked to the re-
porters.
Adverting to an old friend. Mr. Rookie
teller smiled and took a clipping yellow
with age. from his pocket
My old friend didn't believe in the
Texas oil fields. said Mr. Rockefeller
Listen 10 what Galveston newspaper
said about him at the time:
The oil fields discovered IN our state
are excailest in quality and abundant in
quantity Great anxiety is felt for James
H. Dash, who SAID l-c would drink all the
oil found in Texas, for Nj. Dash is
ma of honor.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-27

don't know Yet no one can say that the
muckrakers cannot lux forward to a
bright New Year They have done so
much good in the railroad sitooation an
have brought about such warfare
against tn discrimination III freight rates
that | understand it is now possible 10
ship a car lod q feather busters from
Alexandria to Washin'ton at tn same rate
that an ocean liner cud carry her hold
full of 'em from Khartum.
"Th New Year may see Postmaster
Central Meyers standin resolution To
have postal savin's banks adopted put
into effect. I don't know how it's to he
done. but if it's anything like dealin
with tn installment man I'll have to keep
out OF it, If tn scheme is to deposit your
money in tn slot of a rural free delivery
box, IL not be a party to it. If it's to
give the Cover ment capital to engraye "A
new special delivery stamp to take tn
place o. the late outrage. I'll NOR gage
my fishing boat to help TIL cause along"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-27

1--WE never heard whether or not New
Year day is celebrated west o George
town. but If the dawn of civilization has
peeped across the Appalachians as yet, an
the farmers of Nebraska intend to make
use o the few scatterin' calendars that
TIL life insurance companies are givin' out
nowadays I'd sujjest to William Jennings
Bryan that he LUX at the first day of jan
ooary and resolve that from that day on
he'll devote al of his time to his newspa-
per and lecture Wor-r-r-k. He needs no
further practice on the political race
track. He has done more laps in the
race for the White House than any other
man, with tn possible exception of the
correspondent O. New York newspaper
who has to chase up there himself for the
news from the official tennis court SEEM
that Loeb makes no carbon copy o the
days doin's for him. L say that Mister
Bryan needs a little more trainin in litry-
ture and he shud write a few books. His
farm experience ought to make him a
great expert on the little creepin' things
that SO many of our eadin' magazine
writer's use for subjects these days. Then,
after the preparatory course in the office
of the Commoner a finishin' course in the
presidential chair, he can become the as
sociate editor of TIL Outlook. a sort O
supervisor engineer, to work only in odd
leap years.
"Secrtry Straus could give up lookin'
scared. Also If he Wud take the gum
shoes from off the feet of his department,
twould be great help to tn newspapers.
It's settled fact that the Department of
Commerce and Labor is tn great hush
hush O. tn administrator.
* K
"Lookin' into tn cabinet further l see
that James Wilson O. TIL Department of
Agriculture needs to make a resolution.
He shud resolve to change his deity
fetish from tn Great American Hen 10
TIL Great American Forest. 'Tis that
latter that is maxim Clifford Pinchot
great man-that an Pete Pullman, AS
press agent It'll be time soon for Gift
ford to stop maxim denials O. cabinet
ambitions. He has a habit o sayin'
that there is a great worr-rk to be done
in tn forest preserves an that he must
take to tn uncut tinlbers rather than
become a part O. the cabinet work O tn
gever ment.
Il think that Mister Donnelly O. TIL
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-27

Mister Baker, the friend o the home
less wild animals, the superintendent o
the Rock Crick Zoo, says to me tn last
time l presented him with muskrat that
was goin to be transformed into South
American gunlaloo for tn edifcation O.
the Sunday crowds that he, too, had sworn
off on telephones He says tn only tele-
phone in tn Zoo is in tn lion house, an
that tn poor animals can scarce be fed
on account O. tn insistent calls from the
Smithsonian Institoosllun to get informa-
ton relative to tn habits of tn king O.
beasts Yo' see tn Smithsonian is goin'
to personally conduct a certain huntin'
party into tn wilds of Africa next May,
an tn institooshun is shy on informa-
ton coverin' anything besides stuffed
animals.
All the same I think few resolutions
at New Year wud do some of us good.
There's room for Improvement, Keg. an
here's hopin' the great men o this ma
ton an city will take tn hint.
There's Commissioner Mcfarland.
f'rinstance. If he could but resolve to
make speech only once a week 'twould
be great boon to Mister Hibbs. his over
worked secritry. An Doctor Woodward
O. the health department could sit down
in tn privacy of his Office an resolve
not to keep tn dogs muzzled all winter
long. with all chances O hyderfoby gone
six weeks back. Lookn' further into tn
Districh COVER ment. | might add that
Maj. Sylvester ought to sign the pledge
against tellin' fish stories. 'Twould be a
great gain in the cause of truth.
There's a chanst for the risin' genera
ton O. newspaper reporters this New
Year. I refer specifically to the bunch
that comes over here to the Eastern
Branch Citizens Association meetin's.
Some Of 'em come from tn paper that's
in favor of q triple-headed administrator
O. tn dog pound, an others come from
tn paper that is printin' front page edi-
torials in an effort to get TIL morgue
wagon painted pink. Evry speech that
is made at tn meetins is twisted into an
argument in favor O. tn different policies
O. tn papers.
when 1 arise in tn meetin' an de-
mand that tn Commissioners shall be told
that Jim Larrigan's goat has ct all tn
tin off my roof. the reporters write as
fas they can; but instead O. SEEM my
speech in tn mornin.' when ! eagerly
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-27

time, By settin on the floor under an
umbrella Another one Of 'em KEEP burst
in into tears at the sight o. my face,
sayin 1 reminded him so much of a little
dog he had that died. There was one
man who argued that the world had
lost so much time in friction against the
atmosphere that it had either lost a day
or gained one, he couldn't remember
which Anyhow, he claimed tn calendar
was wrong an that all New Years reso-
resolved to eat fish every Friday regular
whether he went to confession or not, an
he KEEP tryin to swally Dinky Hicks
bowl O gold fish. There was Jim Sweeney,
bedroom an picked up hair brush
thinkin' it was a hand mirror.
Saints preserve US he said, as he
looked at it. 1 need a shave.
II remember leavin' tn place at 3 a m.
There was Harr!gan from the lumber
yards on one side o me and on the other
side was McSwatt, who afterWard went
to sleep in lighted brick kiln an got
a good start or tn flames o tn internal
regions afore ever he got close to EN-.
The moon was shinin' an bee-yootifui
mantle o snow covered tn ground. Sher-
lock Holmes or even Chief Wilkie o the
much maiigned secret service could
told that there had been "a celebration by
obsarvin' the tracks of US through
high-powered lens. AS Conan Doyle
would say, through the medium O. his
frien' Doctor Watson, The deduction was
simple There were places i'll the snow
which showed where three strong men
had attempted TO lie down in slumber.
There were other places where l had
endeavored to carve images in the virgin
snow
Twas after sun-up when | fell
against the door o Mrs. Dugan S house.
| had no biZness TO do il. as the fact'ry
whistle was BLOWN. | made a teri BILE
racket an Mrs. Dugan recogniZin the
symptoms mstook me for her husban'
returnin' home from a visit to the lodge
and come down stairs wit. ii poker TO
meet tn man.
.'She opened the door about a foot
i can just about make it. said J. and
then | Owed through the openin.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-27
New Year Menu.
BREAKFAST.
Baked Apples with Cream
Cereal

BREAKFAST.
Baked Apples with Cream
Cereal
Country Sausage
Buckwheat Cakes
Coffee
DINNER.
AnchOvies with Lemon and Olives
Mock Turtle Soup
Celery
Roast Duck with Apple Sauce
and Hcminy Squares
Sweet Potatoes
Caulif1ower, Sauce HoIlandaise
Apple and Celery Salad with
Toasted Crackers spread with
Grated Edam Cheese
Fruit Cream. New Year Cakes,
Oily Rocks
Demi Tasse
New Year at Home.
Picked Oyster.
Chicken salad
Bread and Butter Sandwiches
Olives Sailed Nuts B0nbons
Assorted New Year Cakes
Calls Foot Jelly
New Orleans Coffee Brulo
Punch
NEW YEAR EVE SUPPER
Caviare with Brown Bread and
Lemon Clam Broth en- tasse
Lobster Ia Neyvberg
Partridges with Grape Fruit Salad
New Year Cakes Assorted Ices
New Orleans BrulO
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-27

Labor. all the rattlesnakes in the New
England states has been bespoken for
ten years 10 come.
But 10 get back 10 Miss Dusan and the
smokin habit ] hated to give up the
vile weed That was d New Year day
thirty years ago
Well do ! remember the day In the
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-27

IT HE year is closed. the record made.
The last deed done, the last word said.
The memory alone remains.
OF all its joys. its griefs. it gains;
Aud now with purpose full and clear,
] turn to meet another year.
What's time? Man has forever.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-27

y this country cof-
fee brulo seems to
have had its origin
in New Orleans. On
the other side it
has been popular
for years, especial
ly in France and
Hungary. 4 tray is
brought the hostess
bearing the coffee
urn. a silver bowl
with a wide mouth,
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-27

RE ye comm down
to Costlgan's to-
night ?" asked Keg
F'inney of Shorty
Ferris, the -Anacos-
tia hunter, on New
y g ar m orn L.
"There'll be d
bunch of us there.
and everythings on
the house afther
eleven o'clock"
II 5on't know
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-27

Year. It's generally tn same thing. They
keep poundin' on one resolution for thirty
five years after they're married with
the hope that some day they'll remember
to stick to it. heard of chap that is
goin' to swear off on telephones. He's
sore on the telephone company because
his wife called his bluff that he was
irwin to work with tn aid of tn receiver:
in tearin' up tn house preparatory to
skippin' to another fiat before the land
lord could find him. Mrs. Potts had sent
him downstairs twelve times to bring up
somethin' she'd lef' there. The thirteenth
time he brought up a bunch O. bananas
that was in the refrigerator, and dropped
one on the steps, SO that on the four
teenth descent his heel struck the slippery
thing an down he went. His head struck
each step, and each step produced an en-
tirely new an original series of cuss
words. I forgot to say he was goin' down
backwards. an when he struck the &C.
ment floor of the cellar the impact Jared
loose expressions that made an entirely
new epoch in the history O profanity.
He wanted to go to bed. but a little
arnica on his head was all he needed,
accordin' to Missus Potts. So feelin'
like the grand ar-r-r-my O. the wounded
at Santiago he went about his wor-r-rk.
II
from side. he got the full force OF the
heavy furniture on his face, but yard
or two o bandage was all he needed, &C
cordng to Missus Potts. They piled two
large mirrors, eight pieces o crockery
an a set of stove lids in his ar-r-ms an
as he was goin' out tn front door with
this insignificant load a small neVeW run
into his legs vi'lently from behind 1t
took two large waste baskets to remove
the rubbish. an when they identlhed the
r col u
had not yet left his body. But Mrs. Potts
said all he needed was to have some ice
water poured over him.
''Bein' bandaged securely about the
eyes. he was almost useless, but he could
still help lift things If some one else was
watchin'. So he lifted ladder on which
was standin' a forty poun' iron hatrack.
an eight men lookin' on Immediately
rushed out to try to earn dollar day
on the coroner's jury. But all he needed
was little drink q brandy and he'd be
all right, said Mrs. Potts.
when he come too, he had one thought
left in his nut. 1t was desperate desire
to escape. Calm to his wife, he said
Jane, hear the telephone Then
gropin his way to tn instrument he TUX
down tn receiver.
Hello he said. Hello Mister Smith
What's that? Wha-a-a-a-at? What!
What. Oh, my. that's dreadful You
don't say. And so suddenly. Oh, dear.
Yes. I'll be there right away
Then turnin' to where his wife stood,
he said to her:
Jane. terrible thing has happened in
tn office. The boss has dropped dead.
Mister Hooper just phone me. He has
made me the sole executor Of his will I
must get cab. and although 1 am in a
state borderin' ON decomposition, 1 must
go at once
ITO which startlin' information Mrs.
Potts replied:
"'Potts, you're liar. The telephone
has been disconnected for two days.
"Can yo' blame Potts for swearin off
ON telephones?
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-27

Keg. I'm thinkin' of sigin tn pledge
and takin' other precautionary measures
IN the shape o resolutions. If L sign tn
pledge I'll be pestered to death and the
place won't seem tn same If I don't
swear off I'll be tn only man there that
hasn't, although they'll forget all about
it after the first eighteen schooners. Also
if don't swear off the only difference be-
tween me an the rest o tn bunch will
be that besides breaking everything else
in the place they'll fracture into ten
million pieces the pretty little resolutions
they made only few hours earlier in til
day.
I've heard it stated on good Authority
that a certain hot place is paved with
good intentions. 'Tis a wise remark and
means a lot, but it don't so far enough.
The man who said it first forgot to add
that tn residences o. the Internal regions
is wall-papered with the scraps o broken
resolutions There is a bee-yootiful lurid
design OF wall paperin' down there made
from the broken resolutions of last New
Year day. I'll bet a fl cent cigar that
when the bunch at Costigan's tonight
begins to break loose the wall paperin'
companies of Hades will send out hurry
call to gather The raw material in the
shape of shattered pledges.
II remember once when l was young
man Miss Felicia Dugan, whom l was
keepin' company with at the time and
afterward married. though l don't know
why L did it, KEEP pesterin' me to quit
smokin', Her mother being from the
glorious prohibishun state OF Maine fought
l should cut out rushin' the can too,
but l looked on the SUGGESTION with about
much seriousness the Senate treats
the rapid succession o Presidential mes
sages
''Speakin' o the state Of Maine Keg, 1
understand that tn only way a man can
buy any of that stuff called Ticker is
10 be bit by a rattlesnake and get a
doctors prescription. Accordin to the
latest rayports from Secretary Straus'
office in the Department OF Commerce and
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-27

government printin' ONCE has made his
resolutions In advance I'm confident he's
resolved to hold onto his Job as long as
he can, despite reports TO tn effeck that
somebody in Moo York is flirtin' with
him. AS to Cortelyou, I don't know. He
may have resolved to stay in Washin'ton
an he may have resolved to go to Moo
York an look for a job. 1t all depends on
what happens after the fourt' OF March
next.
If Cortelyou goes to tn first cabinet
meetin O. the next administrator and
the administrator hands him his hat.
perhaps he'll look for a job with some
trust company in New York In time
he may become the equal o Mister J. P.
Morgan, who at the present has charge Of
all the money that Mister Cortelyou has
allowed TO get into circulation. I'm hopin'
he'll resolve to quit wearin' his hair like
that. tho. Pm not sure that the prison
style O haircut is becomin 20 him. or
reassurin' to tn depositors OF any bank
that may want his services.
Mister Newberry, the baby o tn cabi-
net. the newly received society member
o the board o naval activity. is resolved
already to run the navy from his arm
chair 1t hurts him to go to sea TIL
best thing about ship is tn steerin'
wheel, seq he. for it reminds him of an
automobile. Shud he ever get stuck on "A
hard question dealin' with tn navy he
can call up Mister Reuterdahl on the
phone and settle il. The whole matter
will be satisfactory. Mister Newberry's
job will be safe, and Mister Reuterdahl
will have tn subiec' matter Of an ent'r,
ly new line O defamation against our
far flung line o armor plated ice boxes
Its bein whispered about In Falls
Church and other rural centers that tn
Attorney General, Mister Bonaparte. is
maxim tn only practical resolution o.
the whole cabinet. If the correspondence
from Boyds. Md. Tinkletown. Va, and
Nomni Crick is correct then the Bona
parte farm is goin to discontinue its ac-
tivties durfn the next administra shun.
1t is not possible to conduct patch -
green cor-r-rn like yo' conduct an inves-
tigation of an alleged railroad combine
In tn case o tn combine yo' get definite
results in the way of misinformation In
the case of TIL green corn the clerk at
tn free seed bureau may have trown i'm
a few jokers an you're the latin stock o.
seven counties. The railroad combine is
sure to be productive of so many barren
memories on TIL part O the presidents
treasurers, secretaries and men behind
that the forty-nine large volumes o. print
ed testimony cud be labeled Mister Har-
riman's Blameless Life, In Words O. One
syllable the principal syllables bein' L
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-27

..The sweetheart Felicia Dugan,
shrieked when she saw me. But il was
not on account o havin' 1t hole in my
hat and bearin' other marks of extreme
celebration. Her Oh man was too fami-
liar a sight for any such outbreak o
feelin' on that score. 1t was because
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-27

when 1 returned Dinky Hicks place the
night before I started smokin' ! smoked
all night; and when l come through Mrs.
Dugans door I had a seegar foot long
in my face. 1 had bruk the resolution
afore ever I got fair start onto it.
smelled like 20-cent theater after the
second act.
An yet she married me. Keep reso-
luton or break 1t there's no chanst a
settin' away from 'em when once they
set out to marry a man. Felicia said it
would be a crime to let mutt like me
run loose with no one to open the door
for me on the mornin after New Iear
An since then I've found that. while she
was willin' to let me in the door. she is
most unwillin' to ever let me get out
again. So if I go to CoStigan'S tonight
IN make my regular escape up the
chimney and onto the roof.
That's the way it goes. Keg. A New
Year resolution is now no more than
a joke The only people who take 'em
seriously is the men who make comic
pictures about 'em for the Sunday pa
perS. If the President ever sends
message to Congress advisin against the
use of the New Year resolution as a
comic supplement subjeck, there'l be
several hundred Jokesmitls out of job.
There's a fine feelin' about maxim a
New Year resolution, though. AS yo'
look at the calendar an see the figger
one a-starn' yo' in the face yo' say it's
gran day TO get rid of all the bad
habits that prevent yo from bein' as
prominent citizen ds Robert n. Harper
The secret vices that Judge Mullowney
of tn Po-leece Court has no jurisdiction
over yo' need not bother with; but yo'
look over the grand array of men that
make the headlines easy to write, an yo'
say:
;. x
There's ROCKEFELLER He got rich by
savin dollar at time. Yo' fergit that
he got the first two dollars that way, an
then bought club with it, which he has
been usin' some'at after the manner of
hold-up man. President Roswell, yo
say, was elected by an unthinkin' pee
pull because he always spoke the truth,
no matter how much he resents it in
other people. But yo' forget it was Rich
ard Harding Davis that made the Rough
Riders famous. The last judge that fined
yo' ten dollars and warned yo' was a tee@
totaler. but yo' forgets that he has an in
come that will keep him home nights
countin' it, instead O havin to wander
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-27

They're fattenin'. l wonder how he
stoops over to build him a tee when he's
playin' golf. Uncle Joe Cannon might
swear off on smokin', but what would tn
cartoonistS do?