davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-11-11
Filth and Point.

Some men are always having q "ter-
rible time"
Look long enough and you will find
the weak spot in every one.
Saving money requires as much gen
ius as writing poetry, and 1t Is of a
better sort.
Men would bear their burdens with
better nature if they thought they had
a square deal. No man thinks he gets
this.
Think " the worrying you did
yesterday. 1t certainly did you no
good, but it certainly did you harm.
Think of this the next time you feel
grumpy.-Atchison Globe.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-11-11
He GOT THE TICKET.
A Simple Little Errand That Made a
Lot Of Commotion.

A Simple Little Errand That Made a
Lot Of commotion.
One of the most amusing accidents
imaginable happened to an old gentle
man in one Of our large eastern cities.
He was asked to buy a ticket to a fire.
mans ball and good naturally com
piled. The next question was what to
do with it. He had two servants,
either of whom would be glad to use
It, but he did not wish to show favor
itism.
Then it occurred to him that he might
buy another ticket and give both his
servants a pleasure. Not knowing
where the tickets were sold, he in
CURED of a policeman, and the officer
suggested that he go to the engine
house. So the old gentleman went to
the engine house that evening, but
there was no one In sight. He had nev
err been in such a place before and
stood for a moment or so uncertain
how to make his presence known.
Presently he saw an electric button
on the side of the room. and he put his
thumb Oh it.
The effect was electrical in every sense
of the word. Through the ceiling,
down the stairs and from every other
direction firemen came running and
falling, the horses rushed out Of their
stalls, and, in short, all the machinery
Of a modern engine house was instant
" in motion.
Amid all this uproar stood the inno-
cent old gentleman, who did not sus.
| pect that he had touched the fire alarm
until the men clamored around him for
information as to the locality Of the
fire.
Then he said mildly, II should like to
buy another ticket for the ball, IL you
please"
The situation was SO ludicrous thai
there was a general shout Of laughter
and the old gentleman bought his
ticket, and the engine house resumed
its former state Of Quiet.-Exchange.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-11-11
Bryan Takes 1t Gracefully.

LINCOLN. Nov. 4.-While refusing
to discuss AT thi, time the political
etfec' of the democratic victory in his
state, or analy re the causes, W.
}. Bryan this afternoon in an infor.
NAL talk to a number of friends who
called on him, expressed his pleasure
at the result in Nebraska, and the
satisfaction it afforded him to learn
OF the election of so many of his per.
sonal and political friends.
A delegation of nearly q hundred
from Lincoln visited Mr.. Bryan at
Fairview to express to him their con.
idence aud devotion, and to assure
him th at such was the sentiment of q
majority of the people of his city and
state. Mr.. Bryan in responding said:
~ am highly gratified over the re.
suits In this state. The national de.
feat has not been such q disappoint.
ment when we have had so many
to console U.S.. l hope l have
my friends tha t running for
Office has only been an incident to my
My heart has never been set
on holding Office, but l wanted to do
work and it looked as though
the presidency might offer the oppor.
to do that work. l am sure
in private life | can have the
chance to do some good"
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-11-11
MAKING A WILL.
II You Draw Up Your Own, Stick to
the Most Simple Terms.

the WOSI 0i"PIe teTmSs
eff the people," said a lawyer, "who
for whatever reason prefer to draw
wills without resorting to legal advice
would keep just one thing in mind a
lot Of trouble would be saved. 1t is
nothing save insistence ON simplicity.
Simplicity is the main thing to make
a will effective, and apparently it is
the one thing that the will makers for
get about. High sounding words and
half remembered law phrases come to
their minds, and into the documents
these verbal extravagances 60. There
appears to be a popular impression
that, for example, to say 4 give and
bequeath' is a stronger way of saying
4 give Again, take the matter Of
directions. Here a desire to be explicit
frequently results in contradictions,
and the longer a sentence in a will is
the more likelihood there is of its be-
ing open to mininterpretation.
mo will should be drawn without
at least a couple Of drafts having been
made Of 1t, each one being gone over
carefully with the idea Of simplifying
and clarifying 1t. Give the time to it
that the Importance Of the action de-
mands. Know what you want to do
and study out the best way Of ex-
pressing yourself. Don't put off max
ing a will. I'm superstitious enough
to consider that tempting fate. And
when a will Is drawn remember that
1t has no legal binding unless the sig
nature is witnessed by two persons,
who must themselves witness the doc
ument in the presence Of the testator
and each other."-New York Press.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-11-11
P'.vlished every Wednesday Morning
by tie Rirer Press Fublish-
ing Company.
A REPUBLICAN LANDSLIDE.

BY a majority SO decisive that the
will of the people L. clearly expressed,
William H. Taft of Ohio has been
elected president Of the United States
and William j, Bryan If Nebraska
has been defeated for that Office for a
third time. The campaign has been
the puzzle of the political age and
the results are even more puzzling:
for New York went republican and
Nebraska went democratic. Mr..
Bryan gained suprisingly in the north
central states, Mr.. Taft gained sur
prisingly in democratic strongholds.
The scattered vote, while heavy In
isolated sections, made less d ifference
in the electoral college than was ex-
pected.
But the result means more than the
mere figures indicate. 1t means, for
one thing, that eve the conservatives
of America underestimated the pre-
visiting conservative sentiment in Am.
erica. 1t means that the people, as q
whole, are weary of experiment., of
agitation, Of dow%n.tearing: and are
anxious to upbuild once more. 1t
means that the reforms initiated by
the administration will now be made
practical, by n pledged to support
the administration; but that for the
present, the nation is satisfied to rest
without fresh progress toward social
ism.
Good times are not made in q day.
Election promises are not taken
seriously. The men out of work
Monday may be out of work
tomorrow. But there can be no reason
to doubt that normal prosperity will
now return far more quick than had
the result been reversed. Confidence
will be restored; capital will invest:
and the wheels will slowly begin to
turn. Within six months, America
should have work for all at living
wages: the unprecedented and abnor-
NAL conditions Of two years ago may
never return, for which everybody
ought to be happy.
1t Is not, as some OF the unwise may
now make haste to declare, a step
backward. Every sane policy Of re-
form put forth by either MIR. Brya
or Mr.. Roosevelt will be perpetua ted.
Moreover, Mr.. Taft, as a lawyer,
will be able to do what Mr.. Roosevelt
has not always been able to do-advise
such laws as the courts can uphold
and undertake public prosecution in
such fashion that it cannot fail. No
body need fear that the returns of last
night mean that lawlessness In any
circle is TO have full sway. 1t merely
means that ia place of ideal policies,
brought so near by experiments as
perilous as f%ruitless, we shall have
even advances toward the common
ideal Of the founders OF the republic
equal rights for all.-Butte Inter
Mountain,
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-11-11
A SURPRISED sWoRDsMkN.
Judge Goffe's Play With a Rrsaeina
Eencina Master.


A fencing master appeared in Boston
one winter in the seventeenth century
and had erected a stage on which he
strutted up and down at certain hours,
defying any and all to Engage in sword
play with him.
After this had gone on for several
days and the mans boasts had be-
come insufferable Judge William COTE
md Edward Whalley, the famous Eng
lish political refugees, disguised them
selves in rustic costume and appeared
before the alleged master. COTE held
In one hand a cheese wrapped in a
napkin, which he used for a shield,
and carried q mop which he had soak
ed in muddy water as he passed a pud-
die.
Thus equipped, the Judge mounted
the stage. The fencer rallied at him
for his impudence, asked him what
business he had there and ordered him
to begone. The Judge stood his ground.
Then the gladiator made a pass at him
with his sword to drive him of. The
Judge received the sword in his cheese
and held it there TIL he had drawn
the mop ' e the professors face and
smeared him with mud. Another
plunge by the enraged maitre d'armes
resulted similarly, this time the Judge
poking the mop into his eyes. This
operation was repeated a third time.
Then the maddened fencing master
dropped his ordinary sword and grab
bed up a huge broadsword. Thereupon
the Judge said:
"Stop, sir! Hitherto, you see, I have
only played with you and not attempt
ed to do you harm, but II you come at
me nov with the broadsword know
that I will certainly take your lifev
The master was impressed by the
frmness with which the Judge spoke,
for he dropped the point Of his weapon
and exclaimed: '"Who can you be? You
must be either COTE, Whalley or the
devil, for there was no other mar in
England that could beat me"-Boston
Post.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-11-11
BRYAN'S THIRD DEFEAT.

The overwhelming nature Of the de
feat suffered by Mr.. Bryan in the
recent election is u surprise to most
of his political opponents, as we'll as
to his friends. The prediction made
by Chairman Hitchcock, of the re-
publican national committee, and
other optimistic republican political
prophets, placed the Taft electoral vote
at 1926, but this estimate was generally
considered as beyond what could be
reasonably expected. The returns,
however, indicate that the guess made
by MIR. Hitchcock was close to the
mark.
The result appears to be the most
serious reverse suffered by Mr.. Bry anin
his three efforts to win the presidential
prize. In his first attempt in 1896, the
electoral vote was: Mckinley, 27l:
Bryan, l76. Four years later, the re-
turns rave Mckinley 292 electoral
votes, and Brya n l55. The result this
year, according to recent press dis
patches, gives Taft 3l9 electoral votes
and Bryan 1856.
While it is possible that the official
returns may make q slight change in
the figures, it is apparent that Mr..
Bryan has failed to win the con-
tidence and support of those who
voted against him in 1896 and 1900.
VNho uo.~1< ~ tbo vooart o1ont;oo mil
undoubtedly eliminate Mr.. Bryan as
q presidential possibility. His ability
rs Q campaign orator appears to be
his principal qualification for presi'
dent Of the United States. In his cam
paign tours through several of the
most populous states, Mr.. Bryan was
welcomed by enthusiastic multitude:
of his fellow citizens who were enter
tanned but not convinced by his elo
quence, and who, after deliber atinl
upon the arguments presented by tn
rival candid ates, expressed their pres
idential preference for the republican
nominee.
Mr.. Bryan made a splendid tlgh
for what he apparently believed to b
sound national policies, and in tn
early stages Of the campaign his op
ponents became alarmed over tn
popular oyations that were accorde,
the distinguished N%ebraskan, bu
later developments were more re-as
surfing. Similar demonstrations OF
behalf of Mr.. Taft convinced the re
publican managers that such incident
we're not OF important significance.
Mr.. Bryan takes his defeat grace
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-11-11
Smells In Great Cities.

The man with a nose always recog-
nizes the small Of the place, and he has
only to land at Calais to smell garlic.
London's smell-when the Londoner
r~eturns-is just SCOT and fried fish.
Paris always smells Of chocolate and
wood smoke. Florence Is violcts and
sewage. But SO o o as you get to
Russia the smell is quite different.
Moscow, the city Of fruit that comes
from the Crimea, has a special smell
Of the cranberry (Which has various
names) in late summer. And you can
not land in st. Petersburg without no.
ticing instantly the smell of the place.
London Chronicle.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-11-11
Plays and Players.

Lavinia Shannon Is to star in Mrs,
Temples Telegram"
Camille D'.Arville has been engaged
for ''The Gay White Way"
Joseph and William Jefferson will
revive ''The Rivals this season. Rosa
Rand will play Mrs. Malaprop.
Julie Opp will be the leading woman
with her husband, William Faversham
In 1.-THE World and His Wife,"
John W. Kellerd will play a promi.
nent role in a musical comedy called
THE Boys and Betty" In which MaEt<
Cahill will star.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-11-11
New York City.

Comparison of prices shows that liv-
ing expenses in New York city are IL
per cent more than they were three
years ago.
There is IN average Of nearly two
persons killed each day in New York
city by falling from windows. down
steps, into excavations or in some such
tanner.
Every year New York city throws
into the junk heap enough buildings to
accommodate a small city, or a popu'
lation of $1,000. In the last ten years
there have been torn down enough
buildings to house 100000 persons
New York Herald.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-11-11
Animal Worship.

In Calabar they worship the shark.
The natives Of Cape st. Catherine
worship the tiger.
Serpent worship prevails on the Gold
Coast, often intermingled with human
sacrifice and cannibalism.
In India from time immemorial they
have w%orshiped the ape god Hanuman,
and in Hanuman's temples gray apes
live, attended r%evcrently by special
priests.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-11-11
Pyramids.

The largest Of the Mexican pyramids,
that Of Cholula, has a base measure.
ment Of LASS feet and a height Of 1T8
feet. The Great pyramid Of Egypt
sometimes called the pyramid Of Che
ops, stands on a base each side Of
which was originally 764 feet hong; but,
owing to the removal OF the coating, It
Il now only TO fet Its height, &C.
cording to Wilkinson, was originally
$50 feet 0 inches, it's present height be-
ing 460 feet.-New York American,
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-11-11

fully. and dos rD' forfeit the admira-
ton of his frienGs Or the esteem of
those "h" opposed his election. AS
tne presidential choice of about six
miliiuu voters, Mr.. Bryan will stand
lear the head of the list Of the most
distinguished American citizens.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-11-11

This bank solicits accounts, and
offers to depositors absolute security,
prompt and careful attention, and the
most liberal treatment consistent with
safe and profitable banking. Buys
and sells foreign exchange, drawing
direct on all principal American and
European cities, and issues Its own
Letters of Credit.
Interest paid on time deposits. The
highest cash price paid for approved
state, county, city and school bonds
and warrants.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-11-11

HELENA, Nov. 5.-Chief Justice
Brantly left for the Norfolk navy
yard to deliver the silver service to
the cruiser Montana. The presenta-
ton will be made November IL, and
Judge Brantly will represent Montana
aud will deliver the presentation
speech.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-11-11
Touched.

Mrs. Homespun-The comic papers
say you fellows never work. Weary
Wafles-Y-yes'm; de comic papers also
say dat mother-in-laws Is a nuisance
when everybody knows dat dey are de
most sweetest an angelic Nv mortals,
an Mrs. Homespun-You poor, dear
man! Come right in this minute. I
will broil a chicken for you.-Judge.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-11-11
The Uselessness Of Worry.

Sympathy is loving understanding,
and the expression Of 1t helps a lot.
Worry is sympathy run to scotland
that doesn't help in the least.-London
Sketch.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-11-11
Sorry.

Mamma-Here comes your father.
See how cross you've made him. Now
60 and tell him you're sorry. Tommy
Say, pop, I'm sorry you're SO blamed
cross.-Philadelphia Press.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-11-11
Feminine Intuition.

Hattie-rm positive George loves me
and wants me to be his wife. Ella
Has he told you so? Hattie-No, but
be has taken such a strong dislike to
h,amma.-Chicago Tribune.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-11-11

It's mighty hard for a girl to get
with n man who has just
lost his job.-Atlanta Journal.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-11-11
An Unfortunate Misunderstanding,

II had to leave my last situation be-
cause the missus said they We're going
to lead the sinful life, and they
wouldn't want any servants about the
place."-Puuch.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-11-11

If you are going to put up a build
ing, construct a pumping or current
wheel irrigating plant, put in q steam
or gasoline engine, steam Or hot water
heating plants, Or build a bridge,
The San Francisco call., 1908-12-27
BURGLAR CAPTURED
BY PLUCkY RECTOR
Rev. Charles N. Lathrop Vic
torious in Battle in Church
of the Advent


A battle with burglar in the semi
sion of altar ornaments and the placing
of the desperate man behind prison
bars, was the experience of Rev.
Charles n. Iathrop, : rector of the
Church of the Advent, Eleventh street
near Market. shortly before o'clock
last night. . ~
The story told by the rector was
much more modest than that related
by the police at, the Mission station,
where the prisoner was booked on a
charge of burglary
Rev. Mr.. Isathrop had gone to the
church as is his usual custom. to re-
ceive the confessions of members of his
congregation. AS he entered the front
door of the house of worship and
turned on the switch that partly illu-
minated the church he was surprised
to see that one of the windows on the
side of dhe building had been broken.
Cautiously lie moved toward the rear
of the church, and as lie was enter
ing the sacristy at one door the bur
glar attempted to make his ecape from
the other. The plucky rector rushed
at the man, calling upon him to halt.
The burglar showed fight. but he was
quickly fsubdued and marched across
the street and placed in charge of
Policeman E. j.. Egan. At the police
station hes gave the name of Albert
j. White and1his residence as Milwau-
kee He was charged with burglary
and placed in a cell to await a pre-
liminary hearing.
Rev. Mr.. Lathrop was exceedingly
modest in his Explanation of the cap
| ture. He did not-realize that he had
captured as desperate man, and felt
sorry. that he did not. let him go free
The prisoner had a jimmy in his pos
session when searched at the prison
two new pair of gloves and a large
pair of scissors. Rev. Mr.. Lathrop
carries a + burglary insurance policy,
and has already collected $40 as loss
this month.
The San Francisco call., 1908-12-27
BOYS WITH RIFLE
/ ROB LADS OF GIFTS
Two Juvenile Bandits Hold Up
Three Youths and Take
Their Presents

BERKELEY, Dec. 26.-Two boys.
Just in their teens. heldeup three North
Berkeley youths near Bergman station
! at twilight last. night and secured a
watch. a stickpin and other vaiuabIes,
While one with cooked rife at their
heads commanded : silence, his com
panion. rified their clothing A curt
command to get OUT was emphasized
with SHOT over the heads of the boys.
wing scurried for eoSerz - -
The boys fnlhsdIa$ris> ~ appealed to
j. p. Hull. a hrenisn Of the North
berkeley fire company, who gave chase
and captured the exoang bandits After
recovering a sefckpin he turned the
hiehwaynlep free believing the affair
to be a gpod pa.anticaI Joke
The peliees however. started an in
vestigation. H was learned that the
two boys staff6Ssd themselves near the
Southern Racsfsf siding above Berry
man station at Vine; street and decoyed
their victims. into the railroad yards
and relieved thenso their Christmas
presents. 49,
Herbert Howard. the II year old son
of Mr.. and Mrs. H. 5. IIowa I'd of oxford
and Cedar streets, was the first victim.
He was adniring a watch which his
father had given him when the boys
Icalled to him.. No sooner had he
reached the lot than the rife in the
hands of a boy about. IA. years of age.
having a paralyzed arm. was cooked
and placedt his head.
Commanding silence uader penalty
of death the bandit ordered his younger
cohpanion to search young Howard.
The work had not been completed be-
fore Archie Meadows of 1881 Henry
street and another boy recognized
young Howard and innocently wanted
to join in the holdup game.
They came face to face with a reso-
lutte boy. who peremptorily ordered
silence and hands up" They obeyed
with alacrity. while the younger rob-
Der went through their clothing.
Get out of here quick and don't you
peach" was the parting admonition as
the bays ran out of the lot. bullet
from 22 rife whistled over their
heads.
The San Francisco call., 1908-12-27
AUTO PLUNGES OVER
ENHANCEMENT, a HURT
Relatives of Pittsburg Million
aire Injured in Accident
at Riverside
TSoeciol Dispaich 10 The Call

Especial Dispatch 10 The Cdll]
RIVERSIDE. Dec. 26.-while driv-
ing his automobile up a steep drive
way this afternoon c. E. Rumsey lost
control of the gar, which was precipi-
tated over % foot embankment OF
five persons in the car only one escaped
uninjured. The injured:
c.. f. Rumsey. rib and collarbone
broken; Miss Ximena Fundenberg. aged
II, left arm broken at wrist: George
Fundenberg, cut and bruised about
head and shoulders.
DR.. Fundenberg's family reside in
Pasadena and were here on a visit TO
DIR. w. i. Fundenberg. Pittsburg mil
lionaire. who has winter home in the
foothills south of town.
Rumsey is treasurer of the National
biscuit company and large orange
grower here.
The San Francisco call., 1908-12-27
LAST OF SONOMA VALLEY
ARGONAUTS PASSES AWAY
Edward Gillian, Who Came to
State Around Cape Horn
in 1S4S, Dies
TSpecial Disnaich 10 The Call

soNoMA, Dec. 2s.-The last Of the
Sonoma valley argonauts is dead. Ed
ward Gillian, who came to California
around the Horn in 1s4s. passed awav
Christmas day at his home at the age
of 7s years. The dead pioneer located
in this city with his wife 6i years ago
and has lived here continuously ever
SINCE.
Mrs. Gillian died in 1869. In the early
hfties Gillian took leading part in
public. affairs in this section of the
county. Gillian retired from active life
few years ago.
The funeral will take place Sunday
The San Francisco call., 1908-12-27
INDEX OF THE
SAN FRANCISCO CALLS
NEWS TO-DAY
TELEPHONE KEARNY SO
SUNDAY, DECEMBER .
WEATHER CONDITIONS
NEWS TO-DAY

YEsTERDAY-clesr; north wind; maximum
temperature. as; minimum. 81.
FORECAST FOR ToDAY-Fsir. becoming
cloudy at night; light northeast winds, changing
10 south. Page 81
The San Francisco call., 1908-12-27
Principal May Be Freed

Justice Crane made it clear also that
if Thornton, knowing the intention OF
his brother to kill Annis, did not inter-
fere when he could have prevented the
deed, he was guilty. of the crime
charged against him. While Thornton S
counsel is jubilant over the opportu-
nifty to bring scandal into the trial,
District ATTORNEY Darrin has presented
in evidence a letter written by Thorn
ton telling of the alleged relationship
between Mrs. Hams and Annis. and he
points to that as the motive ON Thorn
tons part in planning the killing of
Annis.
IN such circumstances. the story of
infidelity on Mrs. Hams part may tend,
with other things, to prove the captain
legally innocent of the crime yet at
the esane time establish clearly that
Thornton, sane and scherning, was the
real originator of the plan to slay An
MIS- In other words, the district at
torney thinks Captain Hams may be
acquitted and Thornton convicted of
the murder, which would be an ex-
fraordiparv sittia tion