davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, 1908-12-16


porturity Of my life. Ny charge would
have been 80 each Three thousand
dollars right there. und l missed it.
Cobbier, do you show dot picture to
make me feel bad?''
'Of course not
But | think you do. Ecu look like
just such man. You Was glad
don't get der job of burying dose men,
und 1 can knock your old Dootch head
off in two minutes By some clocks
I belief he vhill do it, too, und when
1 got him outdoors ut last I vhas some
thankful mans. Den fat woman
comes in. She vhas bareheaded und
smiling. She haf some slippers on
her feet mitout any stockings. She
smiles at me und points her finger und
says:
"IIow delicious! shall sit here all
day long und look at dot picture. May
be you don't believe it. but l haf a
soul for art. ! vhas born dot Chay.
My fadder painted more ash one
hoonered houses, und my dear mucder
she makes nineteen crazy quilts. Dot
vhas Washington Crossing der Della
ware l recognize him in one second.
und would know dot Delaware river
if meet him in China on Ger darkest
night. 1t vhas beautiful. cobbleT-rer-
fectly beautiful, but where vhas der
growler?"
'eHow you mean By der growler?" I
asks.
"Vhy, man, don't yon know dot art
und der growler so together? Not an
empty growler. but full one. Den
your customers take drink of beer
between looks"
"If YOU like some beer you must 60
by saloon"
"vhat. Me, lady of art. so by a
saloon! Cobbler. don't take me fer a
woman of that sort. You haf invited
me in here to look at dot picture. Der
growler goes nit der invitation"
81 don't see it dot vhay."
Called q Fraud.
"You don't? Den, sir, let me say dot
YOU vhas an old fraud and no gentle
man. unG I shall go AWAY und dam
age your business more as feefty thou
sand dollars year"
Den comes in big. solid man. 1t
vhas warm day, und he sweats like
horse und swears like pirate. Maybe
it yhas ten minutes before he says:
"Vhell, you old noodlehead, What
about dot picture?'
''She vhas .dere." "..>.. g..
"Humphr' -
1T vhas Washington Crossing der
Delaware"
Eyes, it says so. But how do I know
it vhas Washington"
Cant you see him in dot boat?"
"Dot may be Washington. und it
may be Jones. What does he go across
der river for?"
ITO see his sick mudder.'
what ails her? Why don't she get
sick in der summer"
81 can't tell
"Oh. you can't tell? You hang oop
picture here und invite der poOOHc III
to see it und den can't tell. Do you
know what der crime Of felony is?'
mo"
''vhell. you vhas felony. Dot means
seven years in state prison: yes. seven
long years, und you don't get ice cream
one single time Besides dot sue for
damages. I vhas going by der street
car when I see your sign und shump
off. Dot vhas s25 damages. und here
goes to get even."
Und he kicks me three times und
upsets nv work bench und goes AWAY.
When tell der plumber all about it he
says:
"Hans. it vhas all in-der picture.
Dere yhas not enough ice in 1t for dis
hot weather" NJ. QUAD.
The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, 1908-12-16
BONSER / SCIENTIST
He Gets Crickets and Grasshop-
pers Mixed Up a Bit.
HIS DEAL WITH A FARMER.

Thought Singing Insect on His Hearth
Would Do the Trick In Frightening
His Home on Rainy Evenings-Uses
Ak on Bug.
copyright, 1908, by T. c. McClure.1
Not by the slightest sign Or token did
Mr.. Bowser betray the fact when he
came home to dinner the other evening
that he had anything of unusual impor-
lance on hand. 1t was only after din
ner that he took a small pasteboard
box from his pocket and said:
Mrs. Bowser, do you know what
our home has lacked for many years
past"
Yes; it has lacked furniture" ," she
replied.
I'm! You can't speak without get
ting of something sarcastic, can you?
There has been something lacking to
make it home. have felt it, and if
you were q different kind Of woman
you would also have noticed it. AS for
The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, 1908-12-16

'swoMAN, THIS IS TOO MUCH-TOO MICH"
the furniture, it's good enough, and if
you see any new in the next ten years
you'll be lucky"
We've got coffee mill, an Ak.
hammer, a cat and i gimlet.' she said
after moments thought, land I can't
think Of anything else.''
But when We sit here Of an even
ing. you and l, and the house is quiet
and We are thinking Of days gone by
what do we miss?"
You don't mean the yeowl of cats?'
"No, nor the yells of loafers. Mrs.
Bowser, haven't you got red cents
worth Of sentiment in your makeup"
"Of course I have, but why don't you
tell me what you are trying to get at?
Has it anything to do with that bo1?"
1T has all to do. The other rainy
evening when we sat here by ourselves
I noticed how unnaturally still the
house was. The stiffness got on to my
nerves-no cat purring on the hearth,
no rats gnawing in the partitions, no.
mice squealing, just the drip OF the
rain and the solemn tick Of the clock.
I looked at you. and you seemed to
have suddenly grown ten years older.
Thanks, Mr. Bowser. l was proba-
bly, wondering how TO get 50 cents out
of you for Il new pair Of stockings"
Suddenly it struck me that what
missed was the song of cricket The
song that would have brought cheer to
US was not here. I then and there
made up my mind that the want should
be supplied as soon rs possible
And you've got cricket in that
box!''
Il have. \ farmer brought it in to
me today, and gave up i dollar for
it. I am now going to put him down
on the hearth and let him find his
home. and within ten minutes he'll be-
singing in way to rejoice Your heart.
There he goes"
And YOU call that cricket" ejac-
ulated Mrs. Bowscr after regarding the
insect for moment.
You don't suppose I'm idiot enough
to call it rhinoceros, do you:
But it isn't cricket at all. It's
just big grasshopper."
'Nonsense!'
But I tell you it's so. It's a big
grasshopper. Look at his wings and
his long hind legs. Why, that farmer
must have taken YOU for child or an
idiot"
Resents Wife's Remarks.
Mr.. Bowser turned as white as snow
and then as red as 4 beet. Then he
bristled up all over and rose up and
said:
Woman. this is too lnsieh-too
much
Yes; too much grasshopne,,:S
But it's not Il grassho7per." he
shouted at the top Of his voice.
'.It certainly is. and any man who
ever lived in the country will tell you
so. I'll prove it by the encyclopedia.
We needn't quarrel over ii. but that
| farmer certainly sold you a SIasshop-
per. Sing. Why. he'll never sing any
more than piece Of putty! He can t.
He isn't built that way. He's built Tor
jumping"
Have You quite tinished: asked
| Mr.. Bowser in tones SO quiet that they
We're ominous.
Yes, suppose So"
Then let me remark that this IS 4
cricket. 1t is a singing cricket. He
will sing when he gets good and ready
He will sing for NE. and you Will DC
entirely out Of it. In your envy ano
jealousy should you so far forget your.
self as to haul off and hit him 4 sWa!
with the broomstic'l Will make your
The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, 1908-12-16


DAY UND LOOK AT DOT PICTURE"
your shop. If you don't bring ZEN,
here, how can dey haf some cobbling
done? You see, you vhas an old
Dootchmans. und you don't think Of
sooch things. You must do it, how
ever, or you Will have to go by der
poorhouse."
"vhell, how can get der peoples to
come in:'' says.
..Shust ash easy ash some grease.
Now listen to me-"
4 / listen for half an hour, und he
seems to be all right. He brings me
oaver und hangs oop picture called
"Washington Crossing der Delaware
md den he makes me sign dot reads:
Come inside und see der celebrated
picture. No charge. Free to all. Der
cobbler hesexplains- Come in today"
vhell, | don't know how she Will
work. und my wife vhas crying. but !
get COP in der morning und open der
shop 1t don't be ten minutes when in
comes man und looks around und
says: .t
'vhell, cobbler. haf you an art gal
lery here? Where is dot picture?
Fright oop dere on der wall.'
'Oh, / see Washington Crossing
der Delaware eh? Who vhas Wash
ington?"
He vhas great man."
<Svoe b,,t ,bo haS
HE can speak five languages und
lift barrel of cider"
'''Vhas dot all?"
'Evhen, he goes across der Delaware
in boat"
But Why does he do dot?''
"Because he likes to be on der odder
side. amt it,"
You see dot plumber don't tell me
nottings about Washington, und so
had to make answer der best l can.
Dot man stands und looks at me for
minute und den says:
''Say, cobbler, you vhas either fool
or swindler, und like to punch your
head"
He kicks oafcr my pail Of water When
he goes out. und right AWAY woman
comes in und says:
''Cobbler. haf come to see cot great
picture. You vhas an enterprising
man. und I hope you do vhell. Dot
.vhas it, eh? How grand! How natu-
raj. It is shust de same ash when I
cross dot Delaware myself one sum-
mer"
'But she vhas ice now" says.
''Oh. so it vhas. Maybe it vhas in
T.. der winter I cross. but don't know:
What does Washington do when he gets
: across?'
.Ee takes a drink und come back
again"
h>''yhat! What! Do you mean to tell
me dot George Washington take some
drinks:'
'Iike fish, ma'am."
;, "Cnd gets drunk"
"vhell, l don't like to give him
ayhay, you know"
What One Woman Thought.
s':George Washington Crossing der
Decentralization q drink she says
"Cobbler, you should not show such
picture here. 1t Will lead to intem'
perance. Some poor man out Of work
und nit a starving family shall come
In here und see Washington und der
20 out und be drunk for three days
Take it down or I shall get der police
after YOU
She goes out nit a fiounce und
bang, und I think maybe it vhas bet
ter to take der picture down. Before
can do so, however, in comes ia
man. know him to be an undertaken
He looks softly around und sees 90
picture und den says:
"Wcrry nice. Very ni"". So"cn
picture appeals to my feelings. Wash
tneton crosses to Trenton und HICKS oc
British und comes back again. Owe
300 killed. und yet l vhas not Gere L
bury 'em. Missed der greatest o.
The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, 1908-12-16
a Personal Appeal.

If we could talk to You personally
about the great merit Of Foley's Honey
and Tar, for coughs, colds and lung
trouble, you never could be induced to
experiment with unknown preparations
that may contain some harmful drugs.
Foley's Honey and Tar costs you no
more and has a record Of forty years of
cures. For sale at Derrick's Drug
The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, 1908-12-16
Just His Usual Break.

"Dear me. Matilda. do You know
your husband is so tipsy that he fell
against your china closet and broke
your new set?'
That's nothing new, mother. Just
one Of his brandy smashes. .'-Balti-
more American.
The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, 1908-12-16
Altitude,

"IIow high did YOU ever 60 in al air
ship"' inquired one Of the bystanders.
Il once went rs high as $4,000.
said the daring aeronaut. with
dreamy, faraway gaze.-Chicago Trib-
uEe
The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, 1908-12-16
Cupid's Aim.

Cupid's Aim.
Tom loves winsome Daisy,
And Daisy favorS Will.
VIII makes eyes at Maize.
While MaiZie pines for Phil.
Philip smiles at Dolly.
And Dolly longs for red.
Ted loves only Polly,
And Polly lives for Ned.
Thus the lovers stupid
So:roNing are fixed
Wien Young NJ. Cupid
Gets his arrows mixed.
Smart Set
The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, 1908-12-16
A Natural Question.

Gerald get paid for what know,
not for what | do.
Geraldine-Arcn't you always over
drawing your salary? New York
Press
The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, 1908-12-16
DERGERMAHCODDLER
Hans Exhibits q Picture of Wash
ington Crossing the Delaware.
FOR BUSINESS REASONS ONLY
Bus When Asked to Explain the Mean
ina Of the Celebrated Work Of Art
the Famous Shoemaker Makes Fool
of HinoseIf,

copyright. 1908, by T. c. McCiure.l
One time when I vhas so hard oop
dot can't buy soup bone for din
ner und / don't haf no work for
week dot plumber comes oafer from
his shop und says:
Hans, don't you know What vhas
der matter NIT you?"
Il dent has some cobbling to dc," l
says.
"But Why don't you"
Because der peoples vhas hard oop."
1T vhas not SO at all. 1t vhas be-
sause you don't attract der peGxses to
The Montgomery advertiser., 1908-03-28
 HARD GAME
 FOR CUBS Nosed Out Climbers in Last Inning. THE SCORE WAS 4 TO 3 Luck Helped Chance's Men to
 Win. Locals Again Had Crippled Infieid which Figured In The scor- inE--Ioeals Fielded
 Fast.

A base on balls. batter hit by the ball and a screechfng bingie over first base gave the Cubs yesterdays game oy a score of { to 3.
 It was another hard fought game or ball. Twice the score was tied up. and it was only after two were out in the ninth inning that Chances people got in the run that untied the score
 Van Anda, Burkstt and Thomas worked for the Climbers ana Wnhe three hits and two runs were coppeo off Van Anda yet he showed up better made off the little sidewheeler ana five off Forest Thomas. It was the first time that Thomas has worked and while he Is not in as good condi-
 He has lots of speed and splendid control, and when he gets in shape the chances are that not pitcher in tnis big Reulbach had been kept in the box the Climbers would have won the game hands down. He was not only hit hard but had absolutely no eon- trol, giving seven bases on balls an ana pure, unadulterated luck that kept down the number of runs on him to z, as the Climbers should have tallied at least two more. WalSnp the EScIuAt from the Virginia League and a brother of Ed Walsh of the White Sox. had ter rife speed and good control. striking out six men.
 Heniine and Ryan walked in success sion in the first inning. Baxter sacri- ficing. Then Almquist beat out 6 slow hit towards first. Henline count ed. Ryan was thrown out at the plate on Persons hit to Evers and Persons was caught stealing.
 - In the last of the second. Perry hit safe, was advanced by Hassett and counted on Reulbach's wild pitch, mak- ing the score to 0 against the Cubs.
 Frank Chances hit by Perry in the third tied the score and in the fourth with Burkett in, Zimmerman put the ball out to the club house and got home run on 1t, though he should have been thrown out a tthe plate, AlmQuist being slow in relaying 1t after Per sons had fielded it in. This made the score 3 to 2.
 In the last of the eighth with two out, Hassett walked, shannon hit safe. started for second and on Kings bum peg to catch him. Hassett tied the score again.
 With two out in the first of the ninth Elston walked, stole second, and came in with the winning run when Evers hit one that Baxter could not stop, making the score { to 3.
 It was 1, 3 8 in the last half, Ryan and Baxter striking out. and the game wound up ( to 8 in favor of the Cubs. The score was:
The Montgomery advertiser., 1908-03-28
BENEFTTs FOR STEWART.
Games to Help Retiring Manager of
 Columhug.

Games 10 hCAR kSCtAEAM8 @11@eS -
 Columbus.
 csoIurnbus. Miss. March 27.-tSpeciaD The resignation of Ace stewart, the veteran player and manager who was forced, on account of i'll health, to re, linauish the management of che local Cotton States League club. is 2 source of regret not only in Columbus but 4hroughout the circuit. and his friends are planning a series of benefits Tor him.
 for his benefit Sunday. and at Colums Meridian are also talking of arrang- ing exhibition games for the popular player-manager.
 The local directors have received gosit,ve assurance bnys ar0m H,bsr narls anS the money for his release has been fors warded to New Orleans. Huber VIII make hi siast appearance With the Pel- leans Saturday. and will report here Tor duty Monday.
 Frank Manush. who has been win tering in Panama. has reported. ana Downing, Durmeyer and Pylant, Wno were purchased from Meridian. VIII ail reach the city hy yvd4sS,s MoSaay: yy..4ur. of the local baseball situation Is the non arrival of Jack Toft. who. has been engaged to succeed stewart as man Toft was wrsa srt tRRSrs Waa a delay somewhere along the line, ana up to Thursday he had not left To- ronto. AL. ,.....s. new manager will reach here saturday
 stewart is still here, and iA dclnE all in his power to assist thf 4iFeesprs Els z. feeble condition, however. and Is not ahie fo 20 on the 1eld ct all
The Montgomery advertiser., 1908-03-28
Some Wonderful Feats Done
 By Modern Baseball Heroes

Hugh Fullerton. the famous baseball writer is the author of the following conceit.
 Baseball fans generally do not know 1t. but baseball has it's horrors as well as peace and war. There have been some famous warriors among the major league teams, and patriotism runs high among them. according to Jimmy Ry- an. the greatest hero of baseball was poor old Tim Donohue. who for years caught for the Chicago National league team. Tim served under General Booker. who led the Fenian invasion of Canada and lost his first battle be- cause he insisted on going onto the ball field in a hack. Al Lawson. who runs the outlaw league now. was q hero of the uprising in the Samoan IsIands. and so was John Ganzel. now manager of the Cincinnatti Reds
 Lawson was pitcher in those days and he helped rout the forces of King Kamehameha by pitching curves with bomb shells. while Ganzel hurled straight ones.
 Ganzel. by the way, relates an fr-
The Montgomery advertiser., 1908-03-28
2 rrsrEcrror AT EVERGREEN.
a9fsifaxy Company in Conecuh Capttai
 1Enkes Fine Showing.

Makes Efm& SAONhmMs
 Evergreen, March 27.-(SpeeiaD-- The regular annual inspection of the e.onecuh Guards was held in the arm orv fant night and a large gathering If eittxens. the greater portion or whom were women. witnessed the event.
 The arraory was appropriately decor ated for the occasion. portrait or the first captain of this company. Gen eral F. D. Bowles. who was in conn rnand of the Conecuh Guards during the first part of the Civil War. hung on the wall.
 A short time prior to the entering of the Inspecting officers, Captain P. M. Bruner formed the company in iiua and made an excellent exhibition of their skill in the manual of arms and other maneuvers-
 The comptny presented e handsome appearance and the lineup nlled over two columns the entire length of the haIi. There are seventy-three mem bers enrolled and sixty-two were pre- sent. appearing in heavy marching or der.
 Ire comptny was inspected by Capt P T. Hayne.Jr. of the Twelfth Uni ted States Cavaiary, stationed at Fort oglefhorpe. Ga. assisted by Adjutant- General Bibb Graves.
 Al the close of the inspection Gen. eral Graves addressed the company. He said he told Captain Hayne what kind Of a company he would find at Ever green and he was not disappointed.
 The excellent showing made by this company last night is due largely to 2l,e untirfng efforts of the company's Captain,- P. M. Bruner.
The Montgomery advertiser., 1908-03-28
ror oIvmnin Gnmen.

New York. March s7.-The Executive Committee of the Olympic games has decided that the Boston Athletic As sociation Marathan races. which is to be held in Boston on April 20. will be the try-out for the Olympic Marathon to be held in London this summer. The committee will select its entries from those who start fin the Boston races.
 The Executive Committee has also decided that in all three try-outs- Philadelphia. Chicago and the Pacific Coast-the size of the circle for throw ing the discus shall be the same as the one that will be used in London-2.5O meters.
The Montgomery advertiser., 1908-03-28

teresting incident of Samoa which shows the horrors of civilization. Ac- cordins to Ganzel. the chief drink of the Samoans under the old regime was Kava. which was manufactured from an edible palm in peculiar man ner. Chosen warriors of Kameharn- aha's army. selected because of their high birth and standing, were made the Kings gavaists. and they sat around in solemn conclave. masticat- ing the fiesn of the palm and deposit ing 1t in earthenwara vessels after 1t was carefully chewed. After that wa ter was poured upon the pulp. which was then permitted to ferment. nlak- ing a delicious drink.
 But one day civilization began to obtrude itself and Kamehameha saw that the quality of the liquor was not the same. He made an investi- Kation and discovered that two of his gavatsts were supplied with false teeth. The old king rose to the emer- gency. He beheaded both of them on the charge of illicit distilling.
The Montgomery advertiser., 1908-03-28
NEWS OF LOTHIAN.
Regular Schedule of Trains on St.
 Andrews Bay R0aa.

Andrews Bay Roaa.
 Dothan, March 27.--(Special.)--A daily schedule of passenger trains has been put on the Alabama and St. An- drews Bay Railroad, and trains are now running within twenty miles of St. Andrews Bay.
 It is expected that they win reach the bay within forty more days. or by the time the fishing season opens.
 There was a business meeting of the Epworth League tonight at the parsonage.
 The regular school of the non-con- nnissioned officers of Company "F'" Ala bama National Guard. was in session at the armory tonight.
 At a special meeting of the Dothan Commandery, No. 26. Knights of Tenn nlar. three candidates were put through. G. A. Beauchamp, Grand Re- corder, and Sir Knights Lawrence H.. Lee and E. W. Hausman of Montgcm- cry, we're present to aid sn the work. After the meeting. refreshments were served.
 Rev. W. M. Anderson, pastor of the First Baptist Church. who has been conducting a revival meeting at Ens- ley, has returned to Dothan and will resume his regular services Sunday.
 Joe Baker and Douglass Baker have returned from a trip to California.
The Montgomery advertiser., 1908-03-28
ADJUSTMENTS. 4
 At The Grand
 Monday Night. Mrs. Leslie Garter


 Mrs. LesIie-Csrter's Advance Sale.
 The advance sale of seats for Mrs. Leslie -Carter's engagement at The Grand scheduled for Monday night, will open this morning at o'clock. Mrs. Carter is to be seen here in her in- comparable impersonation, Zaza. a role which she has essayed with marvellous success. It is generally accepted that MnJ Carter's rendering of this char acter has not been eQuailed m any play by any emotional actress in mod ern time. Zaza is one of those master strokes of dramatic composition that are of exceeding rarity. A drama of it's size and greatness is as rare as Mrs. Carter's prismistic temperament which Is as various as the hues of rainbow, or an April day. For versa tflity of powers Mrs. Carter has no rival among modern actresses and Zaza gives her the greatest opportunities Tor the display of her matchless artistry.
The Montgomery advertiser., 1908-03-28
WOODIE THORNTON WINS
 THE GAME FOR MOBILE

Mobile. March 27-(speciaI.)-The marvellous work of Woodie Thornton for Mobile at the bat. in the outfeld and on the paths.- was the feature or the game this afternoon between the Cotton States Gulfport team and the Mobile Southern League team.
 Thornton was easily the star. get tlne two clean hits. making three all paost impossible catches and scoring
The Montgomery advertiser., 1908-03-28
10 Protect Levee Work.

Washington. March 27.-The senate today passed the Foster bill making available for use at New Orleans $300,- CoO Of the authorized appropriation for HEississippi river improvement work betwean Cairo. Illinois, and the head oS tte passes. The puropes is to pro- Sact ievee work done by oity authorities vvhich win cost several million dollars.