The Topeka state journal., 1908-10-23

say to myself that was courting rag
doll. Gentlemen. you all know that I
can guess the weight of a hog within
three pounds, and I've never been out
hay. but 1 was way off on that woman.
1 wasn't within a mile of being right.
I'VE hadn't been married twenty
minutes when she ordered me to shave
off these chin whiskers-this venerable
beard that has been fondled and ad
mired by hundreds of lightning-rod
men and tin peddlers-these whisker5
that has been a landmark for thirty
years and more and helped to boom the
town and make it what it isl / recoiled
in horror from the sacrifice-from the
sacrilege, and she reached over AMI
yanked 'em until tears stood in my
eyes. Think of any one wife or not,
yanking Deacon Spooner's whiskers!
Then she demanded that 1 dye my
hair-this hair before you that has also
been landmark to tell the traveller
when he had reached our town. Dye
my hair? Not for any woman that
ever livedl Where would my dignity
be when passed the contribution box
in church with my whiskers gone and
my hair dyed? Not one of you would
even drop shingle-nails and breeches
buttons into the box.
Gentlemen, two years previous to
my marriage to the woman under dis
cuSslon Jonas Harper's barn caught
fire in the middle of the night. 1t is
generally supposed that Jonas, who is
an absent-minded man, emptied his
pipe into the hay while doing his
chores at the barn. We awoke to find
the demonlac flames at their work of
devastation. 1 was among the first. As
soon as 1 reached the lurid scene 1 set
to work to get his COWS out of the
stable. One of 'em planted a hind-hoof
on my mouth. and away went five of
my teeth. They have never been re-
placed because their absence improved
my voice for singing and talking They
hadn't been out five hours. however,
when my red-headed wife insisted on
my going to the dentist for false ones.
Right there was where we had our first
real quarrel
"Gentlemen, you all know what my
domestic life was for the next two
years. There was no cooling doves.
| There was no blitheness. There was
no writing poetry to the moon. 1t was
| one long, black night of suffering on
my part When 1 rose up in the
| morning it was to hear sneers leveled
al my whiskers. When 1 lay down at
night it was to be berated about my
missing teeth. If 1 dropped to sleep
at MONDAY it was to wake up with a
great start and find her with sheep
sheers in hand ready to profane these
| locks of mine.
Gould those things go on, friends
| and neighbors? OF course not. Dur
| ing the last year we lived together the
| idea of suicide and murder was never
absent from my waking thoughts.
| have the record set down in a book
and was looking at it today ON SAC
occasions 1 planned my own death by
all the ways and means ever mention
ed In the newspapers. On 532 occa.
sions planned her death at my hands
from setting the house on fire anc
roasting her in her sleep to blowins
up the milk house with a bomb The
only thing that kept me from suicid,
was the knowledge that none amons
you could start any of the hymns w,
sing in church. The only reason
DIDN'T carry out any of my plot
against her was because she tolt
everybody she was afraid of her life
and TO have me arrested in case sh,
was found dead.
You all know what eventual,
| happened. gave her two thirds of m
possessions to get out ond get a di
yorce, and while making her way Il
Kansas she ran a nail into her foo
ana died of lockjaw when her Jaw
sot and she could not longer cali m
names she got pencil and paper an
l wrote 'em down