Golden Valley chronicle. (Beach, Billings County, N.D.) 1905-1916, 1908-04-03

captured vessel into Mosquabito, ana
the Appendix made at once to a Desc
| late island sixty miles to the north
west, where the pirates were marooned
forty three of them.
"By Jove!" cried. Perfectly Won
'derful!"
Eyes," said Billie. But wait until
you hear the wonderful part of it. Be
fore NARROWING those buffers the ead-
lniral called clinic of the whole crew.
! and after making the statement that
crime could be eradicated from the hui
man system by an operation on the
brain of the criminal, he trepanned the
heads of the whole bunch, eliminated
,, the cranial bump where the crime germ
| turks, and bound them all up again
before setting them on shore; and
would you believe it, two months later,
when we returned to Mosquabito for
our prize crew, as we approached the
pirates island we heard them singing
Rock of Ages and on going ashore
| found that they had organized them
selves into missionary society, con-
verified the natives, who had hitherto
i been considered absolutely beyond the
reach Of Christian effort and as we
came upon them were actually con-
Quoting a revival meeting and taking
| up a collection for foreign missions.
| How is that for civilizing innuence?'
| asked Billie, as he concluded his ex-
traordinary story.
1T sounds almost Incredible" I an
swered. Indeed, if anybody but YOUR
| self had told it think 1 should not
have believed it,"
''Fhen I'm. glad you -heard::it from,
| me-" said Billie. Face is, we want
I all the supporters in this medico-navat
| reorganization that we can get, and
liars have become SO unpopular under
this administration that we really don't
| dare tell half the things that occurred
! on this cruise for fear that the people
Will not believe them and that the
good work of turning the navy into a
staunch Hippocratic organization will
| ne set back another century or two
| IT we should announce that the sub
stitution of seidlitz for gunpowder had
mace target practice as safe as ping
pong the public would scott, although
| 1t IS true. If I were to tell how by
the use of absorbent cotton and a
stomach pump Surgeon Admiral
Squills kept the Appendix from going
to, the bottom nine miles south of the
Azores every joke monger in the coun-
try would lift up his voice in derision.
If I demonstrated the usefulness of the
stethoscope in making soundings at sea
instead of using the old-fashioned SEX
tant all the alleged old sailors from
Maine to Texas would rise up in pro-
test
Il thought the sextant was used to
tell the time of day and locate the
sum-" said T.
We'll, maybe you are right" said
Billie. I'VE aren't supposed to know
anything about archaic Instruments.
anyhow. It's for what we don't know
we are chosen. What I do know is
the Surgeon ?Admiral Squills is at this
moment down in Washington telling
the president what the results of this
cruise may have been and prescribing
a course of treatment that Will make
the navy convalescent beyond the per-
adventure Of a relapse, and that we
have inside information that as soon
as Taft is elected the marlin spike will
give way to the pestle, and that any
admiral who wants to keep his. job will
have to pass an examination in thera-
peutics that would stump old man Aes-
culapius himself. You don't believe it.
perhaps, but only yesterday the Sec
rotary of the navy rendered. his resig-
nation because the president had or
dered all new vessels from this day to
be baptized in ipecac instead Of in
champagne. and it was only the modifi-
cation Of the order compromising on
sparkling soothing syrup that induced
him to withdraw his resignation in the
interest of secrecy and peace on the
eve Of presidential election
by the way, Billie" said chow did
you get your appointment? Some pull
with Squills?"
mo-" said Billie. II used to draw
soda water in my fathers drug store
in New York for President Roosevelt
when he was a schoolboy, and you
know he's very loyal to his friends.
When he heard that was out Of job
, he sent for me and offered me COM
mand, and the first thing knew I
was attached to the staff Of Admiral
Squills."
But you don't really know anything
about navigation, do you?" queried.
"No." said he, but can fill pre-
| scription to beat the band. haven't
worked in an Eighth avenue drug
store all these years for nothing. I'm
der the new naval regulations that
gives me cinch."
| It was then that first began really
to believe Billie's story. His explana-
ton of the reasons for his appoint
1nent. was so very plausible that be-
came convinced that he was not trying
to deceive me. therefore print his
story in the firm belief that it will not