The Caldwell tribune. [volume] (Caldwell, Idaho Territory [Idaho]) 1883-1928, 1908-12-26
A Mild Roast.
Editor Tribune:

don't know whether l owe your
local scribe a treat, apology or a lick
ing. for so prominently bringing my
single blessedness to the attention OF
marriageable widows and middle aged
maidens, but l suppose since the Trl-
bune has placed me upon the
slaughter-block of matrimony 1t Is my
duty to tamely submit to the inevita-
BILE. All | ask is that the woman
who may be enticing enough to win
my love and esteem will pledge her
word of honor not to beat me and
kick me around simply because she
carries the pocketbook. l would will
lingly split the kindling and build
fires if she buys the coal, and l would
| take a supreme delight in hoeing the
| garden If she would sit near by under
her sunshade and instruct me how to
| do it, but as have served an appren-
ticeship in carrying kid in arms at
night, with paragoric bottle accom-
| paniment, while raising one family,
should surely draw the line when 1t
came to that, SO the Tribune will
kindly unfurl this small exception to
| the general rule to the lady 1t would
have choose me for better or worse.
In the excitement of matrimonial
prospects there are very many men
who would never have thought of the
latter proviso, but let me tell you
that l weigh all such important things
for | was considered very shrewd
child at a very early stage Of my ex-
istence. My ancestry say that when
Ii was three years old l actually be-
gan to notice things. At six years of
age | could sit alone, and at nine l
could walk and talk. l often think
that this early superior intellect aided
me much in anticipating future events,
one among which was my advice 200
years ago for the organization OF the
Hudson Bay company to engage in
| the fur trade In the frigid zone OF the
far north. Then again it served me
we'll when Lewis & Clark and myself
| threaded our way across the continent
more than a hundred years ago and
|, blazed the way for civilization. In
Iowa and Illinois We planted the seed
for the tumble weeds; in the Dako-
tas and Nebraska, the Russian thistle
seed; in Wyoming, Montana and Ida
no. the sage brush seed, and thus pre-
, pared food for stock and fuel for the
covered wagon pilgrims who followed
, our blaze to the western shores where
the gentle Pacific roars her eterna
anthem against thousands Of miles o.
coast few years subsequent l uset
to shoot Indians in Ohio and Ken
lucky with Simon Kenton, Mike Fink
Lewis Whetzel and Daniel Boone. thu
, uncle of our townsman, Boone.
/ 1t would not be necessary to men
| ton these traits of my early training
r | were it not to inform the Tribunet
D score or more or manageable wild
: ows and maidens what wonderful
: history for good in the world I have
Z But right here | desire to explain tina
h by psychic influences known only t
a myself | have turned back a few cy
n cles OF time and emerged again int
r the dull cares of the world at abou
|, the half century mark, which place
: me in the category Of the "eligibl
il class" to which the Tribune refere
e last week The Tribune is very ger
: erous to offer to print the weddin
stationery. Now comes Judge Stove
It and proners to donate the weddin
# ceremony and innumerable friend
= show a willingness to donate article
e of household and kitchen furnitur
1 and-but hold on. There is no am
d able, kind, loving woman in sigh
II yet. Pshaw! Only for that. I migl
= be off to Boise on an extended hone
l. moon expedition.
e II is the Tribune's next move.
r. HAM KAUFMAN.