davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31
A New Suggestion.

From the Boston Herald
Now comes the suggestion that Mr..
Roosevelt might take the Vice Presi-
dency. This would be a new turn alto
gether. John Quincy Adams went back
&c the House and Andrew Johnson TO
the Senate. but no President has gone to
the seat where the sitter can doze with
out exciting any critical comment. Then.
again, chance might make a Vice Presi-
dent President again. Better keep Mr..
Roosevelt where he Is, and avoid COM
plications
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31
Pity the Poor Pnner rrn.t.

From the Philadelphia Record
If the paper manufacturers continue to
describe the many sacrifices Of their per-
sonal interests which they are making
for the good of the public in general and
of newspaper publishers in particular,
the Mann committee can hardly fail to
bring In bill for their relief.
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31

A New York minister has inherited
$75o.OOO. but will keep on preaching at HIS
old salary; while a lawyer in the same
town has inherited 100000 and doubled
his consultation fees. This simply shows
where two men really expect to find their
respective rewards.
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31

ceived his early edu-
cation In the district
schools, afterward
going 70 Southern
Illinois collie & e.
graduating in 1856.
He read law in Chi
cago.
Before Washington
was admitted into
the Union as a State
Young Jones moved
10 North Yakima and
began life in a
real estate Office.
Soon after he began
the practice of law,
and has followed
that profession con-
tinuously. A forcible
speaker, HIS talents
In that direction were
soon recognized, and
during the Blaine
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31

"A single man who has money to burn
can find a match almost any place." saws
the Philosopher OF Folly in the Cleveland
Leader. And a married man similarly
hxed can generally ind an old flame
somewhere
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31

Texas man claims. to have picked
500 worth Of blackberries from one acre
of land. To understand perfectly, you
should remember. too, that blackberries
sell for three-for-ths Of a cent a bushel in
the Lone Star State.
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31

''Sir. want work"
Here's a penny. Buy yourself a news
paper"
But / don't know nuthin' about run
min newspaper" protested Tired Tifins
who really wanted aims
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31

A young lady, vaguely described as "A
Southern heiress, has gone abroad TO
escape the fortune hunters" says the
Montgomery Advertiser. This merely
illustrates the truth Of the saying. Fools
rush in where angels fear to tread"
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31
The Final Judre.

The world forgave me for the wrong 7 did.
And she who suffered II forgave II, too.
Even mine enemy did not forbid
My presence; and my friend, as good
friends do.
Forgave II and forgot It. Lastly. He
Who sees our hearts vOuchsafed HIS
gracious word
AS thou repentest. so forgive I thee
Go thou in peace"' But twas a futile
word:
still am damned. for while I feel and
live,
The final Judge, Myself, cannot forgiven
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31

"A man without a purpose in life Is
Ike dog without a tail to wag," SAYS
the Philadelphia Record. And a man who
is forever trying to manage other folks
business is like a tail without a dog to
wag.
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31

"A writer has gained notoriety by eI-
planning that nations should not turn
the right cheek when smitten on the
left" says the Fond du Lac Reporter.
Not unless it~happens to be a small ma
tIon, like-weu, say Colombia.
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31

Gov. Johnson's thrilling rescue of the
South from Mr. Bryan will not be staged
this season" says the Chicago News.
No; IT is agreed that It VIII be impossible
to put on a show that will come up to
the advance notices.
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31

Harry Thaw has evolved the idea that
If he is insane he cannot be held RESPONSE
bic for his debts. Harry may be crazy,
but evidently he has some approved no
tons about high financiering.
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31

'Harper's Weekly calls Mr.. Bryan the
advance agent Of his own circus. He is
also the circus" says the Baltimore
American. 1t must be admitted that Mr..
Bryan is pretty much the whole show
on the Democratic circuit this season.
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31

Mines. Tetrazzini and Melba are to sing
together next season. Cheer up! Per
haps your church choir may yet learn TO
sing together In unity. peace, and dis
cord
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31

Denver is the highest city at which a
Democratic convention was ever called"
says a Colorado paper. With the pros
pect Of Sl4 per day per room ahead, we
should rather think so.
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31
Wall Street Farming

From the Louisville Courier-Journal
That Wall street land quoted at S3O,OoO-
600 an acre is not especially good for til
lage, but it's great place for separating
the farmer from his money.
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31

"a contemporary editor boots at the
Iance-headed viper's venom. and says he
can swallow It with impunity," says the
Detroit Free Press. Still, all editors are
not trained up in prohibition States.
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31

The fly Is being roundIy abused for
carrying microbes on its feet. II really
does seem that the fly might carry It's
germs in a grip-sack, or its overcoat
pocket. or somewhere besides Il feet.
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31
New Danger in Travel.

From the Kennebec Journal
One Of the transatlantic lines has now
put trained nurses on its ships. Pretty
soon no man Of moderate means can
afford even to be seasick while crossing
the ocean
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31

THE New York American spells tuiep
with an T." says the Baltimore Sun.
Certainly; that Is what all amateur julep
makers do. Their product is so different
from the real thing, you know.
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31

A Cincinnati professor believes IN free
love-" Not Unexpectedly. we learn that
his wife is suing him for divorce be-
cause Of nonsupport. Free love has about
as much attraction for real men as free
lunch
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31

A Boston man proposed 2oS times to hts
sweetheart before she accepted him. Evil
IDENTIFY. there is no prospect OF ever con-
vincing that man that a womn's mo"
doesn't mean yes"
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31
Proper Questions to Ask.

From Life
How much is he worth?
Is he married. single. OF divorced?
Does he play poker OF bridge?
Who is HIS favorite author-Ade or
Chambers?
Does a quiet place disturb him?
Does he own part of his own home and
the rest mortgaged In an automobile?
Was he once a Democrat?
How much does he hate or adore
Roosevelt?
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31
Poor Orphans.

From the Newport Tines Herald
Don't be too hard on the trusts"
pleads the Richmond Times-Dlspatch.
Maybe they never had a mother" But
they had and they have. Everybody
knows that the tariff Is the mother OF
trusts
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31

Kansas City spent $4,000 In advertIs-
ing and as a result, in ten months cap
tured Industries that added over 100000
per year to the city pay rolls. And
that's what's the matter with Kansas
City,
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31
The SprInr Menu.

"I suppose your landlady Is feeding
you spring vegetables now"
yes. indeed. Picked onions. canned
asparagus, preserved beets. and the like"
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31
The PhIIo.onher nf Fonr-

Says the Philosophy OF Folly: When
woman talks about her marriage being
failure, you can make a safe bet that
there's preferred creditor somewhere"
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31
A LITTLE NONSENSE.
THE WELCOME FOOTPRINT.

THE WELCOME FOOTPRINT.
He is first at the resort.
Vacant is the tennis court.
Mile on mile
OF deserted dunes appear.
He is like a Crusoe f-sre
On an isle.
But one morn he takes a stroll
By the busy waves that roll
To the land;
Finds the imprint OF a shoe,
Just about number two,
In the sand.
Then no more remains he sad;
Forthwith wakes cheerful, glad,
Blithesome. gay.
For he guesses that some belle
Has at last 10 his hotel
Mads her way.
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31

Frequently q man gets his start in
life at the race track" says Senator
O'Grady. More frequently. nevertheless
he meets his finish there.
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31
staI In the Woods.

From the Kansas City Journal
The movement for preservation OF the
forests has made some progress, but It
Is not out Of the woods yet.
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31
A Vital Question.

From the New York Mail.
The question. Amt It awful, Mabei?"
as raised by the district attorney. is now
sub judice. and we withhold our answer.
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31
A Magnzine Quntrnin.

Never apart-never apart
Who are never apart. my Soul?'
This Is never apart. my Heart
The WhOleT'
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31
A Serious Misconception.

From tho Kansas City Star
The mistake the late Senator Quay's
manager made was in treating the Allie
gheny bank as Il 1t were q State treas
ury,
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31

A Vermont doctor paid S2ll for one
drink OF whisky. II is astonishing how
a man will give up his money for some
things he wants real bad.
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31
Comes Natural.

A Hoosier quickly earns the bay.
Ones touch Is sure
In literature
When born out Indiana way.
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31
Rainbow Chasing.

From the Atlanta Constitution.
Hartman seems to be one OF the mon
who would reach out and make railroad
track a rainbow.
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31

An Ohio physician claims to know how
to cure insanity. Perhaps II would be a
good idea for him to experiment on him
self
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31

A New York girl says she wears
Merry Widow" hat because II gives her
so much elbow room" Yes; somebody
else's elbow room.
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31

A concern has been organized in Massa-
chusetts for the purpose OF making paper
shoes. Don't expect too much OF II.
however. The cost Of paper is not far
behind leather.
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31

The student is the same the world over
we suppose. Those irreverent German
wags of the undergraduate persuasion
refer to Uncle Andy's' diplodoccus as
"dlppy"
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31

Milwaukee schooner wins" says a
headline In the Milwaukee Sentinel. We
suppose this Is q nautical item
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31

Undertakers complain that fewer people
die these days than formerly. Perhaps
they are afraid they can't afford Il.
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31

The New York Post refers to Capt.
Hobson as Richard P. Hobson." Heav-
ems! They will be calling him 'Dickie"
next
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31
A HenrfIern Girl

No. John. ! cannot marry you"
Then I start FOR japan tomorrow"
Make 1t Afghanistan. have no post
cards from there"
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31
CAPITOL GOSSIP.
GOOD-BY. CONGRESS.

CONOANA<SSs
To the Senate: =
Senator's o lordly solonsl
Going hence with heavy burdens
Peace be with you iE departingl
Plotting allies Taft omhatting
Rhed by Teddy. rudCly routed
Full Of wrath. administration
Atmosphere surchargcd with trouble,
Stalwarts scenting campaign danger,
Woe In doses eyerasting
BeTeridge wailing blood a-boiling.
Citing Record. most appalling.
Foraker, a chip on shoulder,
Watching party torn asunder-
Fain would be harmonizer.
Fain would be chasm bridgcr:
La Toilette. accursed and mad ming
Points 10 deeds both dark ane damning
And 20 cap the awful climax
Third-tem sentiment runs rampant
Hence II Is. o Senate. lordly
That We weep and speed your going.
To the House:
Goodby. Uncle joe Take keer o. yourself.
From away out on the Pacific Coast
comes one Jones-Wesley L. Jones, OF
He is n native Coast man;
he was born in Illinois in 1853. He re-
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31
VfndIctive Dad.

Il should think you would object to
that young man."
Il do"
Then. why not tell your daughter so?''
Because l don't propose to do anything
TO further his suit"
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31

Senator. they want you 70 write an
article on the Importance OF the Vice
Presidency"
I'm"
They offer you 81 per word"
It's hardly worth my while. Even II
1 pad. can't earn over fifty or sixty
plunks."
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31
The Restaurant Habit.

What's the matter, Batch9 You seem
III at ease. thought you'd enjoy a home
dinner"
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31
Very Remarkable.

He's a remarkable man. Takes a cold
bath every morning"
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31
Little to- Say.

Without Dragging about It."
The Washington herald., 1908-05-31
.Innf n HIM

I'D enjoy It thoroughly, old man, II I
could keep my eye on my hat and coat
Force OF habit. you know"
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1908-03-09
IT DIDN'T FOLLOW.

A reporter was discussing with
George AIDE his candidacy for the re-
publican national convention.
by the way, Mr.. AIDE, the reporter
said in departing Il understand that
you are at work upon a tragedy"
The humOrist smiled.
"A tragedy for Eddie Foy, perhaps?"
he said.
NO; seriously, are you not writing
tragedy"
"Of course not. What is there In
me to suggest tragedy writing?"
But you write?"
81 write-hence | can write tragedy,
Ell? Your logic is like the English
butchers. An English butcher, you
know, inserted this advertisement in
the Times Daily Mirror and other lead
ing London sheets:
Having now secured the services
of a university man for our small goods
department, we can supply real Cam
bridge and Oxford sausages at thred
pounds for one shilling
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1908-03-09
ALL GRIsT TO HIS MILL.

A group of Chicago musicians was
praising the compositions of Walter
Damrosch.
He should compose more" one said
He has a splendid talent. From every
sound in nature he learns something.
AT the time he was at work on The
Scarlet Letter he and / went walking
one lovely summer day. In a wood he
suddenly seized my arm.
'Hush!' he said and pointed to a
huge beetle that went droning by:
Il wanted he explained afterward,
to hear how its note would die away,
"And one day the next winter he
showed me the superb passage in "The
Scarlet Letter where the cello modu-
lates in the chord of the seventh of
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1908-03-09
Tales Worth Telling F.:
A PATRIOTIC sMINDLE.

1T is not often said Gen. f. G..
Grant at a recent dinner that man
can perform at the same time a swindle
and an act of patriotism. Yet this
happened during the war.
A New York shipper then conduct
ed a swindle at which even Washing
ton would have smiled approvingly.
1T was at the time when we stood in
the greatest need of soldiers. This
man inserted in the papers everywhere
an advertisement that read as fol-
lows:
Notice-For 81 | will give any per-
son positive in formation whereby he
may avoid the cOnscription.'
Replies came fast. They came at
the rate of 600 a day, and dollars ac-
companied them.
Then an enraged dupe, beside him
self at having lost dollar took the
advertiser to court, where the entire
transaction was periodically declared
to be quite legal.
The answer that had been sent out
by the sharper was:
Enlist
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1908-03-09
BAD SIGNS FOR BRYAN.

people think independence League
he authority himself for the that he doesn't simply
organization enthusiastic patriots of which he happens be
At the of long eegraphed from Chicago Mr. Hearst
asked the league would nominate candidate fer President
The reply modest and diplomatic nicely balancing the league
evenly for Roosevelt Bryan
Il have authority express the personal preferences
Of the membership of the independence Party but from
verSatons with members that | have | should
per of them in favor OF the Independent nom-
nation and that of the per remaining perhaps per
cent would favor ndcng Bryan and that per would
favor ndorsing Roosevelt My views strongly
favor of an independent ticket"
After this, who shall that Hearst willing
sidnt? And who deny strong probability
by the Democrats he will have the opposition wing
Would it not prove fatal Bryan paying of the
old registered when Bryan strongly he had supported
by Hearst for years declined help Hearst convention which
named Judge Parker?
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1908-03-09
A HARD HIT.

Martin W. Littleton, the lawyer, is
noted for his trenchant wit.
AT the beginning of his career, D."
said an Albany judge the other day,
"Littleton had an elderly, prosy, long
winded lawyer for an opponent in an
assault case.
THE elderly lawyer in his con-
Guiding address spoke for six hours
an interminable, foggy stupid speech.
Then Littleton rose. He smiled slightly
looked at judge and jury, and said:
Your honor, I will follow the
example Of my learned friend who has
just concluded, and submit the case
without argument
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1908-03-09

In the Howard Gould divorce pro-
ceedings Howard was called a "Sy-
baritic Satyr" by his wife's attorney.
BY long practice with Millionaire ma
rtal matters, those New York law
yers have acquired an alliterative
style which is hard to beat.-Port-
land Telegram.
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1908-03-09

Japan has probably forgotten she whipped China once
and then found the calmly debating peace
and the amount of reward she could camand fights China
again she will be in position up her expected VIC
tories But making the Tatsu Maru
like seeking pree for the conquest suppression of awakening
China and will not in add the worlds respect for Tapans prea
tons OF peaceful intent The world power certainly keeping
the rest of civilization the anxious seat
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1908-03-09

the descending scale from B minor to-
f scharp minor.
There is dhe beetle Of our last
summers walk" he said
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1908-03-09

Mrs. Ella Wheeler Wilcox made good of here but
perhaps than in other various literary and
fashionable clubs always do hero heroine wohppng when
distinguished visitors them chance The proportion popu-
laton which takes interest in such people larger than in
places however hence such entertainments absorb public inter-
est and receive general press notice.
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1908-03-09

The proposition to make Abraham
Lincoln's birthday a legal holiday
once more appears in the legislature,
We can honor Lincoln by working
better than by loafing.-New Bedford
Standard.
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1908-03-09

A prominent Washington physician
says that "mince pie is not injurious
if you can digest it" 1t might be add
ed neither are carpet tacks-so much
depends upon that little word 'if."-
Baltimore American.
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1908-03-09

There is. good authority for the
statement that a japanese fleet is apt
to sail up the Neosho river and bonn
bard Emporia at any time, and the
city hasn't even a street sweeping ma
chine for purposes of defense.-Em-
pOria Gazette.
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1908-03-09

Sad to say, the new governor of
New Jersey is attracting national at
tention by living up to all his ante
election pledges. When will that sort
Of conduct be taken for granted?-
Boston Herald.
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1908-03-09

A husband is a convenience about
the house if woman can afford one.
Chicago News.
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1908-03-09

Every report that comes from John
ID. Rockefeller indicates that he is still
cheerful in spite of that $29,000,000
Star.
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1908-03-09

Couldn't we express the grip some
where else, instead of carrying il
around with us?-NeW York Mail.
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1908-03-09

EDITORIAL SNAPSHOTS.
All moons look like honeymoons to
a girl during leap year.-Springfield
COhiO) News.
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1908-03-09

1t might be well for President
Roosevelt to call an internal peace
conference at Washington.-Galveston
News.
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1908-03-09

Mark Twain remarks that receiver
ships cost more than harmens, which
may explain why the sultan has al
ways persuaded his creditors not to
proceed to extremities-St. Louis
Globe-Democrat
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1908-03-09

What fun Miss Gladys and her hus-
band will have cutting coupons and
receiving dividends, half to go on her
pile and half on his!-BOston Globe.
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1908-03-09

According to Mrs. Hetty Green, no
woman has any business in business.
Still, Mrs. Green will probably admit
that there's nothing wrong in a wo-
mans taking an interest in business
say about 8 per cent.--Kansas City
Journal.
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1908-03-09

If you feel as if you were losing
your grip you probably have got it
Chicago Post.
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1908-03-09

Washington reports 10000 cases of
grip, not including the one Uncle Joe
has on legislation.-Mr Bryan's Com
moner.
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1908-03-09
EDITORIAL SNAPSHOTS.

! ELI OitlAl D4NAI DllO
A husband is a convenience about
the house if a woman can afford one.
Chicago News.
Couldn't we express the grip some
where else, instead of carrying it
around with us?-New York Mail.
1t might be well for President
Roosevelt to call an internal peace
conference at Washington.-Galyeston
News.
What fun Miss Gladys and her hus-
band will have cutting coupons and
receiving dividends, half to go on her
! pile and half on his!-BOston Globe.
If you feel as if you were losing
your grip you probably have got it
Chicago Post.
Washington reports 10000 cases of
grip, not including the one Uncle Joe
has on legislation.-Mr. Bryan's Com
moner.
Pittsburg authorities have launched
campaign against the great white
plague. But Pittsburg's most danger
Gus plague seems to the Great White
Way."-New Orleans Times.
1t is now expected that Evelyn
Thaw will stand aside and give some
body else a chance at the camera
Washington Star
According to Mrs. Hetty Green, no
woman has any business in business.
Still, Mrs. Green will probably admit
that there's nothing wrong in a wo-
mans taking an interest in business
say about per cent.-Kansas City
Journal
Mark Twain remarks that receiver
ships cost more than harmens, which
may explain why the sultan has al
ways persuaded his creditors not to
proceed to eXtremities.-St. Louis
Globe-Democrat
A prominent Washington physician
says that "mince pie is not injurious
if you can digest it," 1t might be add
ed neither are carpet taclks-so much
depends upon that little word 'if."-
Baltimore American.
In the Howard Gould divorce pro-
ceedings Howard was called a "Sy-
baritic Satyr' by his wife's attorney.
BY long practice with Millionaire ma
rital matters, those New York law
yers have acquired an alliterative
style which is hard to beat.-Port-
land Telegram.
- '-/s
EDITORIAL SNAPSHOTS.
} All moons look like honeymoons to
a girl during leap year.-Springfield
, (OhiO), News.
Every report that comes from John
ID. Rockefeller indicates that he is still
cheerful in spite of that $29,00O,000
fine.-Washington Star.
There is. good authority for the
! statement LnaL Japanese Meet is apt
to sail up the Neosho river and bonn
bard Emporia at any time, and the
city hasn't even a street sweeping ma
chine for purposes of defense.-Em-
pOria Gazette.
Sad to say, the new governor of
New Jersey is attracting national at
tentiOn by living up to all his ante
election pledges. When will that sort
of conduct be taken for granted?-
Boston Herald.
The proposition to make Abraham
Lincoln's birthday a legal holiday
once more appears in the legislature,
We can honor Lincoln by working
better than by loafing-New Bedford
Standard.
! Fine Job Printing, Star Office.