The Washington herald., 1908-03-15
MARIA'S MIDNIGHT LECTURES
LECTURE NO. 81.

come home every Saturday night, Job,
with a new excuse. and I've never
doubted you yet That is, not openly,
God alone knows what think about It.
But, Job. you men can't be any TOO
careful. I tell you. There was sid
Greber's wife got a divorce from him
because she heard that he was dsllying
with a skirt in vaudeville and when
she really found out about Il. all that
was the matter was that he was writing
a skit for vaudevIIle-just the difference
OF an 'r'-that shows how particular a
man must be. Why Jake Lyons went
down town the other night 70 get seats
foe theater and wasn't sure he could
get them. He telephoned his wife: say,
dear he said. I've gotten seats for the
show. come on When she showed up
az the theater she'd gathered in all the
neighbOrs and asked them 10 the show.
She thought he'd said ne had ten seats
for the show. I never could see why a
man should say gotten anyway Poor
Mrs. Lyons had to live on bean soup all
the rest OF week making up for the
money her husband had 10 spend for
theater tickets on account OF the mis-
take
Say. Job. I wish you was a news
paper man instead OF a mere govern
ment clerk see where there's a news
paper reporter has been and married "A
girl worth ss0.G00,O0o. 7 didn't know
there was that much money left in the
world since the recent panic. didn't
you? If so, why are they newspaper
men?
did you notice that item in the pa
pers about Chicago funerals? Hereafter
they're going to run street car funerals.
so much a car, and carry all the mourn
ers. always knew that Chicago was
swift. and that they didn't have any
use for dead ones out there. but I didn't
think they'd railroad them that quick.
don't think it's quite decent. do your
'Oh. talking about foreign news. I see
that al last there's another victory for
the female sex. The Danish Lanthing-
don't know what a Lsnthing is. do
you?-has granted suffrage 10 women.
Isn't that nice III bet well get some
great dane legislation now. Talking
about women did you see where a wo-
man in Chicago had successfully used
her hatpin as a weapon, and stuck a
burglars eye out with IT. and saved all
her money and the samples she had in
her pocket5OOk- I see that the Smith
and Wesson people are going 20 put a
self-cOcking. hammerless hatpin on the
market now. I wish you'd buy me one.
And speaking about buying things.
Job: what about my Easter hat want
a real nice one with hify-rufies
feathers. and fixed so that I can pin
some Of those funny curls under the
roof. and let them hang down Just as
IL they were real The Easter hats are
much smaller this year-so as 10 fl the
salaries Of the men. Isn't that nice2
say Job. you know I've been a true
wife 10 you. and I hope you won't mind
my asking you about this. but IS It true
that peroxide OF oxygen makes your
hair nice and golden? Yes. 7 hate this
mud-colored hair I've got. 7 see that a
blond girl in Chicago has been able 10
marry four husbands, and not a thing
said about Il, Ny Lord, wish I could
have four. instead OF a half a one like
yOu-half asleep and half awake all the
time. No wonder women get divorces
from men Why, even that nice Mrs.
Thaw Is getting a divorce from Harry.
She knew he was crazy all the time II
he hadn't been crazy he wouldn't have
married her. think it Is awfully funny
about this crazy business Whenever
they want him TO sign a check on the
bank he IS sane; when they want 10 get
him out OF prison he is insane: when
he marries a chorus girl he's just a eood
fellow. and when the chorus girl gets
tired Of him he is crazy again. In spite
Of all his money. IT'S a case OF blow
hot. and blow cold-now you are crazy
and now y0b-.-r1 not crazy-he is almost
as good at signing checks for which he
doesn't seem to get anything as William
p Hearst
I see where there Is a bishop OF the
EpiScOpalian Church, always did Ike
Episcopalians-who says that there was
a time I'm the world when men were
more beautiful than women. I might
believe il II I hadn't seen you lying
asleep two or three times, Job. those
yellow whiskers all over your face.
II any woman on earth wasn't moro
beautiful than you wonder what
chance shed have OF getting married.
He must have meant that there was
time when men thought they was
more beautiful than women 4 good
many of them think so yet. from the
way they look in the looking glass.
but guess you have got another think
coming
Job. what's that? Asleep I wish
to heaven they hadn't printed that story
about the man with the nightmare.
Heaven only knows what you'll be do
ing in your sleep nowadays. l wish
sometimes you'd get up while you're
asleep and attend 10 little Emily when
she cries. Oh. but you men are selfish.
Job, wake up On. well then go to
sleep. I don't carer'