davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington herald., 1908-01-05
REVERIES OF A BACHELOR.
From His Budget in the New YorL
Press.

A man that has to be reformed can't be.
The only good husband is when he has
a widow.
A smart girl never tries to fool her
mother; she lets her fool herself
The reason a girl likes TO have a chap
erOn is so il won't be her mother
A man hardly ever knows he has pro-
posed 70 a girl till she has done il for
him.
The smaller a girl is the more Of her
seems to be able to snuggle up under a
mans arm.
One Of the Disadvantages of having
children is you can only say cuss words
before them under your breath
You can tell girl who was born red
headed by the way she never has 10 go
10 the drug store 10 keep It up,
A girls beau goes Up 100 per cent IN
value in her eyes merely by going down
100 per cent in her fathers
A woman can never understand how
wearing some OF the baby's hair In his
locket doesn't keep her husband from
catching cold.
What a woman likes about reading d.
vorce cases where the correspondent isn't
named IS how she can guess she knows
somebody Il might be
When a girl has black eyes and golden
hair she is so artless she can make you
believe the thing 10 wonder at is how
she got the color Of her eyes.
The Washington herald., 1908-01-05
Stfck-to-ftiveness.

About the most helpless case I ever
dealt WITH" said the singing teacher,
is a little Jap that's coming 10 me 10
learn 70 sing. He hasn't any voice. He
can't produce a single tone that wouldn
disgrace the eat on the back fence I
told him he was wasting his time and his
money. but he stiIl kept on coming. Fin
ally the other day I said 10 him. My
friend. You are paying me s. a week for
those two lessons. III pay you 6 d week
If you'll 60 TO some other teacher
Knowing that the Japs are a thrifty race
] thought that would fix him. Not at all.
This morning, prompt on the hour, in he
walks. They say that Washington won
the War for Independence because ne
didn't know when he was beaten. It's
easy to see why the Japs won that last
scrap"
The Washington herald., 1908-01-05

One Fifth avenue jeweler is meeting
the financial stringency vita a tempting
article for sale which has all the elements
OF appropriateness. Says the New York
Times. He is selling "hard-times" col
lars. Whereas formerly women were
buying dog collars Of pearls. with
diamond slides or collars with filigrees of
diamonds, to-day these extravagances
are untimely. The hard times" collars
are black velvet, with chaste slides Of
diamonds. and whereas the affiuence
jewels cost from 5000 up. the new
trInkets can be bought for $500
You see.' said the jeweler, "in Paris
they call these skeleton slides puppy
collars. being smaller and less elaborate
than the dog collars. I christen them
hard-times' collars, and ] believe the
new name has rather been an advan-
tage 4 great many women glory in the
romance OF their comparative poverty,
and another point. these more modest
collars are far more artistic than the
old dazzling gewgaws."
The Washington herald., 1908-01-05
PROPOSING TO A WIDOW.
How easy II Is with a Few Judi
eiOus PFOmptings.

From the Sketch.
He-Would you think me very-I mean,
would il be bad taste on my part
She (hastilyD-Not a bit
He-But you don't know-you cant
know-what I was going to say. I was
going to say. would it be very impsrtinent
of me If -
She (tenderly)-I think I do know.
Harry. and / can assure you that /
should not resent il in the least
He-Ah. but it was something much
more serious than sou imagine-some-
thing about
She docking down)-Something about
your future life?
He-No: not quite so serious as that.
Something about my present life.
She-Thats what / meant-the second
half Of your present life.
He-Oh, I'm only twenty-seven, you
know.
She-I know; but when a man con-
templates great change In his life
He-YOu did know, then2
She-MOnths ago, dearest. I read IL in
your eyes the first day we met
He-By Joyel Then-why, I've done itl
She (weeping a littlel-Harry. you have
swept me of my feet,
He-My love, ] know I was brutally
frank, but don't cry.
She-You men! How irresistible you
are
The Washington herald., 1908-01-05
SOME FRENCH HUM0R.

Policeman-What are you hanging about
this slot machine for?
Rustic-lm waiting for my change ]
put in a 50-cent piece and / want 9
cents back.-Nos Loisirs
Little Henri (at the table. to the visi-
tor)-I wish j were like you
Visitor Clatteredl-Wh little man?
Little HenTi-Because TO one boxes
your ears when you eat with your fin
gers.-Pele Mele.
Dying Patient-DOctor. would YOU give
me a sheet Of paper? Ny wife refuses
me one.
Doctor-Do you want to write down
your last wishes?
Dying Patient-No: my frst-Pele Mele.
why is it so difficult 10 fit a lady
with shoes?"
Because she wants them to be large
inside and small outside. '-Peie AfeIe.
Surgeon-This is a frightfuI wound
One can sac the brain.
Patient-WOuId you please write quick
70 my father? He has always maintained
that I had no brains.-Nos Laisirs.
Shoebleek-Shine, sir? -Four sous?
Passer-by-NO. thank you
ShOeblack-TwO sous?
Passer- -by-No
Shoeblack-FOr nothing. then?
Passer-by-AH right. If you like.
Shoeblack tafter having finished one
shoe)-lt's six SOUS to clean the other.
sir.-NOs LOisirs.
IT wasn't a marriage for love. them
Not al all; marriage for dislike"
Il don't understand" "
We'll, she married him because s.
couldn't bear 10 be an old maid, and he
married her because he hates poverty
Rire.
The Washington herald., 1908-01-05
Grateful Hen.

FrHn the Boston Herald.
Chicken fanciers and agriculturists
heresbout are puzzled over a remarkable
.egg-laying hen living under the guardian
ship OF Jacob Geier, in Madison avenue
The hen strayed from her roost and wan
dered into Geier's back yard several
weeks ago. When Geier opened his kit
chen door the hen tapped her wings, few
on the porch. and in at the open door
past Geier
THAT chick must be durn hungry; I'll
feed her up good and strong. b'gum, %
said GeieT 10 his wife
He made good his word by preparing a
ration Of milk and bread. which the hen
daVOuTed ravenOusly Cackling her
thanks. she departed 10 the back yard
About an houg later the hen was discov-
cred sitting COMFORTABLY on a settee on
the porch. When the fire whistle footed
the noon hour the hen exuded a Joyous
series of Cackles When Geier arrived on
the scene he beheld a fresh-laid egg and
the hen strutting proudly around the
yard.
Since then the hen has laid an egg
every day, with three exceptions. Geier
says she has a sense Of gratitude, which
she displays In payment for the meal
rendered in the time of her tribulation.
The Washington herald., 1908-01-05
Puss At THE PHONE.
She Waits Patiently for Friend to
Call Her Up.

Mrs Gotwalts is the owner of the dear
est little Hello Girl She is possessed of
extraordinary cuteness. When her mis-
tress is engaged in writing. little Hello
Girl is supremely happy If permitted to
sit on the desk by her side. and she ap-
parently comprehends when she is told
that she is writing TO the mistress of
some other dear little pussy.
One day while talking through the
phone to a friend, little Hello Girl butted
In. says the Cat Journal The lady at the
other end of the line heard her, caught on
and promptly replied, which resulted In
quite a little catty conversation between
pussy and the lady.
Since then they have had many almost
daily chats, and now little Hello Girl sits
on the desk patiently waiting her turn at
the phone whenever she observes her
mistress talking. In fact she is ever on
the alert when the phone bell rings. and
looks quite disappointed when her mistress
pays no attention to IT, She responds
promptly to the call Of her name. Hello
Girl, from all parts of the house, and
seems particularly happy when her mis-
tress sings, Hello, Little Girl. Hello,
The Washington herald., 1908-01-05
NOT THE SAME MAN.

Seller of Rat Traps Dislikes Being
Taken for Journalist.
From the Denver Republican.
A journalist, at a dinner, was talking
to William Dean Howels about literary
fame
But after all. said Mr. Howells. with
mis- gentle smile, literary fame is not 50
very highly regarded by the people, is It?
remember, when | was in San Reno
some years ago, seeing in a French news
paper a notice that bears upon this
question.
ut was a notice by a rat trap maker
of Lyons, and IL said;
TO whom It may concern: VI. Pierre
Lott, Of Lyons. inventor of the automatic
rat trap begs TO state that he Is not the
same person, and that he has nothing in
common with. one Pierre Lott, writer p"
The Washington herald., 1908-01-05
LONG-LIvED TEACHERS.
This German Town Has Had six OF
Them in 301 Years.

The small town of Javenstetls. in the
district Of Rendsburg. Germany, can
boast OF having had only six teachers in
its school In almost four centuries. these
brave men succeeded each other without
days interruption.
The first teacher and sexton was Elder
Reimers, who served seventy-six years.
from 1916 to 1922 He was followed BY
his son, Ties Reimers. 1929, seventy-one
years. No. was Christian Schilchting
who taught the village children from
l740 to 1854, forty-four years He Was
succeeded by Peter Thuelsen. 1881 TO 1914
thirty years No was Asmus HeInrieh
Lorenzen. who served from 1914 to 1850
thirty-six years, and then he was pen
stoned
Then came No. 6. Teacher and Sexton
Dresen, who still has the honor of pump
ing the knowledge of the three RS, be
sides a considerable amount OF geography,
history. natural history, &c. into the
heads OF the little Javenstedters.
The Washington herald., 1908-01-05
READ WHILE IN BATH.
Eccentric Character Explains why
His Hands Are Dirty.

A correspondent Of the Boston Herald
says that a remark attributed TO the late
Sully Prudhomme was made originally
by the famous and eccentric literary and
dramatic critic. Gustave Planche, who
died In Paris in September, 1851 For a
long time it was thought that he slept in
the public streets, and he himself took
pleasure in giving credit to this report
Where are you lodging?" some one
asked him
4 don't lodge he replied. 7 perch. %
And where?"
Champs Elysees, third tree to the
right"
Another anecdote OF Planche is that
being once invited TO dine with a cele-
brated actress, Annias or Nine D0rval,
he arrived before the company.
My goodness, Planche," cried the host
ess, what a figure you cut. Go. take a
bath. I beg: here is a ticket"
He returned in an hours time as clean
as when he set out. You unhappy man,
you have not taken the BATH
"By my faith, ] have"
Look at your hands,
'Ah. that is because I had book while
in the water"
The Washington herald., 1908-01-05
Comparative.


From Modern Society
The vicar Of a large country town Wis
tied d parishiOner. a widow. seventy-five
years old, who had had ten children, all
Of whom, except one daughter had mar
ried and left her Now this daughter
also was about to be married. The old
lady would then be left quite alone, and
the clergyman endeavored to sympathize
with her. We'll, Mrs. Higgins" he said,
you must feel lonely now. after having
had so large a family" Yes. sir" she
said, Il do feel it lonesome. I've
brought up large family, and here I am
living alone. An I misses 'em an 1
wants 'em: but I misses 'em more than
] wants EN-"
The Washington herald., 1908-01-05
Patriotism in the Making.

From the Boston Transcript.
Patriotism in New York is cosmopoli-
tan They have a flag drill in the schools
in which the children Of every race and
cline. as the hymn book saws. are taught
10 salute the Stars and Stripes and give
their heads. their hands, and their
hearts to their country" And in some
Of the big downtown schools you may
see children from homes German, ItaI-
ian. Syrian. Scandinavian. Jewish Hun
gaTian. Chinese. Armenian. Greek and
heaven knows how many other nationals
ties. all joining In this picturesque cere-
mony. It gives one a realizing sense OF
the variety of material which is put into
the cTucible we call a city and which,
in another generation or two. will be
simply American.
The Washington herald., 1908-01-05
Badly Used Up Car.

From the New York Tribune.
OF one typical New York car the re-
port Of Mr.. McLimont says: Track
frame cracked and sagging. seat guard
rail broken. curtain cords broken, two
ventilator glasses broken. running board
V-eak, some Of grab handles loose, glass
in headlight broken, one lamp guard
missing and others bent, truck ratified,
rain cutters bent and some of stanChions
broken" Unfortunately. we do rot know
where this car was in operation, but We
should say that it had just about earned
an honorable retirement from service on
Manhattan Island and was ready TO enter
upon a long career in the Bronx.
The Washington herald., 1908-01-05
An Indirect Confession.

There were two little girls-sisters-
who approached their mother one day
with a question as 70 the ultimate end
Of liars.
Does every one who tells a lie 60 TO
hell. mother" asked the older one, some
what anXiOusly.
The mother hedged She didn't really
ike TO preach uncOmpromising doctrine Of
this nature, still an inducement TO truth
telling was much 10 be desired.
Perhaps not" she said Perhaps if
you ask God very earnestly to forgive the
lie He viii not send you 10 hell"
The small sinner looked uneasy; she
had evidently hoped for something more
.reassuring. Then suddenly she knelt
down, pulling her little sister down be-
side her.
oh God" she prayed. sister and
have both told lies. Forgive US both,
forgive sister, and forgive me-and espe-
cially me-" she finished.
The Washington herald., 1908-01-05
COON LICKS DOG AND MAN.
Mixes 1t Up Lively Enough on
Streets of New Castle, Del.

New Castle. Del. Jan. Samuel
AtcKnitt came to town last night with
a raceoon which had been reared by
James Wright, who caught it while it
was young. The coon was led by a
chain and everything went well until it
spied bulldog owned by Jerry Keffer-
son. Then things happened
First the bulldog snarled. The coon
made a lunge for the canine, and Nc
Knit was compelled to release it. In
an instant the liveliest kind Of a scrap
was on. 1t lasted fully five minutes
The fur few and the dog howled
Justify.
Seeing that his bulldog was getting
the worst of the encounter, Jerry JEFF
ferson attempted to throttle the coon,
a minute later he wished he hadn't
BY the time Jerry was able TO get free
he found himself badly scratched and
bitten.
After struggle the owners of the
respective cOmbatants managed to free
them. Jerry led the bulldog TO the
rcarest drug store. where its wounds
as wei as his own, were cauteTized.
Mcknitt proceeded joyfuliy on his way
with his prize-fghting pet
The Washington herald., 1908-01-05

The young wife was perhaps the most
punctiIous housekeeper in the greater
city She fairly lived for the annihila-
tion Of dust particles. and her three maids
knew a degree Of discipline more rigid
than that of Gen. Blucher One day her
waitress departed, an exceedingly COM
mon occurrence in even a nawiess estab-
lishment. A new maid came to take her
place. After an elaborate inquisition the
new servant was engaged on probation.
The young wife explained:
Come to the dining-room with me.
You will have a rehearsal. want TO see
you spread the table for dinner for four
Now go into the pantry, where you will
find my table china on indexed shelves
Ny forks are all labeled. and I shall sit
here. Now you serve me-of course, with
blank plates / am having oyster cock
tails, soup. fish, an entree, a roast, salad
ices, and coffee"
The new maid groped through the weird
ceremony, and the foodless feast pro-
eeeded amid silence. Finally the maid
whimpered.
I guess I am going. I couldn't do this
every night" She fed.
The Washington herald., 1908-01-05
A Question of Numbers.

During the recent municipal election in
San Francisco two local Irish politicians
rented a hall and secured several sLeak-
ers TO urge the support Of their favorite
candidate. The day following they were
talking over the meeting, and Rafferty,
said:
We'll, Donovan, our meeting was a
great success. wasn't it?''
Sure 1t was says Donovan.
And how many people do you think
were there?' asked Rafferty, L should
think seventeen or eighteen hundred
"Oh, there was more than that" says
Donovan. There must have been :,
least a thoEsa nd"
The Washington herald., 1908-01-05
FIND GOLDEN TREASURE.
Crew of TurtIing Schooner I'm West
Indies Gets Fortune.

Emanuel Bodden. the skipper Of a
Grand Cayman turt!ing schooner, had an
extraordinary stroke Of luck about six
years ago. He had brought his little
vessel alongside bark which had strand
ed on a coral reef near jamaica and been
abandoned, and was taking what he could
find Of value from the wreck Looking
over the side, he saw yellow gleam on
a shelving rock several feet beneath the
clear water
Thinking it was Il piece OF copper
sheathlng, he dived for It, and came IN
with his hands full of gold coins There
were Spanish doubloons and pieces-of-
eight of the sesenteenth century. There
We're hundreds of them on the sunken
reef, as well as some pieces of wreckage
that apparently had belonged 20 an an
cient Spanish boat All day long the
skipper and his men dived for the coins.
and they sold the lot to a merchant In
Port Royal street. Kingston, Jamaica,
for close on 5000
The Washington herald., 1908-01-05
Good Enough to Charge For.

From the New York Times
When the late William H Scott was
managing clerk, in the early sixties, for
the firm Of Cleveland & Titus, a client
came in ana wanted an opinion right
away
No member Of the firm was in. Ac-
cordingly, Mr.. Scott, with some hesita-
tion, wrote the opinion, When his prin-
cipal, Mr.. Cleveland. came in he explained
the circumstances and showed him the
opinion.
Mr.. Cleveland looked at him with a
smile and then read it with care.
'Humph!" said he, pretty poor opin-
lOn-but it will do TO charge"
The Washington herald., 1908-01-05
The Hindu Nie,r oil

What is this white mans game Of bill
hards that hear so much about?" said
the first Hindu.
Don't you know?' said the second.
NO. Tell me-"
We'll" said the second Hindu. billiards
is very simple game. Two men armed
with long sticks poke at a ball on a green
table, and one says d while the
other says Hard HnesE
The Washington herald., 1908-01-05
a Pen Point
rom the New YORK Press.

From the New York Press
The pen would not write.
Shall I get you another sir?" the sec
Tetary asked.
NO said the millionaire. .Tl show
you something valuable now
And he held the pen over the lamp a
moment, then dipped il in cold water
and lo-it wrote as well as when new.
THAT treatment rejuvenates old pens
without fail" said the millionaire. Re
member it, and it viii save you money" ="
The Washington herald., 1908-01-05

Uncle Morton, an old negro, who had
been a slave in the days before the civil
war, was a retainer in the household of
an Atlanta family. He was something
of philosopher and a good deal of a
diplomat One day the mattresses. two
young mulattoes, were chatting him.
Uncle Motion. one Of them said
who do YOU like best, Belle or me?'
The gray-headed negro looked first al
one then at the other, and said with a
tone Of indecision.
1t am too tedious 10 say"
The Washington herald., 1908-01-05
OF Conrse.

From Tit-Bits
An individual applied to the cab COM
pany for a situation.
Do you know how to drive?'
Yes, sir
You know that you must be polite
with all your passengers?
"Ah!"
And honest. For example, what would
you do if you should find in your cab a
pocketbook containing e5,000?'
Nothing at all: I should live on my
income
The Washington herald., 1908-01-05
PENNY-sWALLOWING FEAT.
Adept Not Only Swallows En-, but
Coughs EN- I'D as Wei.

Worcester, Mass, Jan. 4-NapoIeou
Wood. of Leominster, won a good -siz-
ed wager in Worcester pOOlroom by
his ability 10 swallow pennies and i'm
mcdtately cough them up. In the pres
ence of crowd of twenty five sports
within fifteen minutes he swallowed
tWenty-eight pennies. one after thu
other and then almost immediately
raised the entire number. allowing
them TO drop TO the floor
Wood discovered his ability to do
the stunt several years ago when he
was forced TO swallow a mouthful OF
chewing gum 10 avoid detection by a
school teacher
The Washington herald., 1908-01-05
APROPOS OF OCEAN VOYAGE.
PouItney BieeIOw Finds an Artist
When He Scratched Sailor.

hneR lie SGEAScuth ~ SallOfs
From the London TatleT.
Poultney Blgelow. the famous traveller,
was giving some advice TO a young man
who was about TO join for the first time
the great army Of tourists on its annual
trip across the Atlantic. Mr.. Bigelow
adverted 10 the extraordinary amount of
painting that goes on aboard an ocean
liner.
"On a certain ship one day he said,
TT put my hand on a freshly painted
ventilator. and. while removing the white
smear, / fell into conversation with the
seaman who was responsible for the
trouble He was az elderly chap. and he
had visited many outlandish places. As
he piled the brush. we had an interesting
chat How dong have you been a sailor?
said T. finally. Sailor? the old man
grumbled. dipping his brush into the
can. Bless yer heart, sir, I'm no sailor
nowadays I'm a bloomin artist, that's
wot 7 ann
The Washington herald., 1908-01-05
Great Men,s Favorite Dlshe..

Peter the Great-Baked goose with ap.
pies.
John the Baptist-Locusts and wild
honey.
Henry VIII.-EenisOn.
Frederick the Great-Pork and cabbage
Plus IX.-Eggs and bread.
Lord Macaulay-Roas beef; baked 20
tatoes.
Henry Fielding-Currant tarts.
Ben Jonson-Pork pie and Canary wine
John Locke-Fish and bread
Sir Walter ScOtt-Venison
Leonardo da Vinci-Oranges.
John the Evangelist-Barley.
Marlborough-Bee and beer.
Mahomet-Dates and water
apOleon-Whatever was nearest him.
The Washington herald., 1908-01-05
shalespeare VS.. shaw.

From the London Globe.
Henry" said his father, in the pres
ence OF a crowd of literary friends,
tell me which you would rather be,
Shakespeare or Bernard Shaw"
Bernard Shaw" was the prompt re-
ply: and q murmur Of admiration rose
from the delighted Shavians
yes. he is only just turned six" said
the proud parent who then continued:
And now, Henry. state your reasons %
4 hush fell on the back drawing
room as the little fellow answered,
thoughtfully: COS he amt dead, papa .
The Washington herald., 1908-01-05
CATCH PONY AND OWN HIM.
Strenuous Game that Beats Foot
ball a Mile for Peril.

York, Pa, Jan. A horse dealer
from Mount NebO. Lancaster County.
introduced a game at Airville, this
standstill for roughness
The dealer had wild pony which he
purchased from a cowboy. He turned
him loose in five-acre field at Airville
and sold tickets at 80 cents each, with
the understanding that the man who
should catch the pony would own him.
Each man was allowed a rope, or
lasso. and in the scuffie several were
painfully hurt. John Richardson, who
finally threw his rope over the animals
head, had several front teeth knocked
cut, but won the pony.
The Washington herald., 1908-01-05
THE COMING OF THE MAN WITH
THE HOE.

Away in the van
Is the sunburnt man
Who travels where there's no trail;
And he dies unsmg.
But the vibrant tongue
OF the great West tells his tale.
It's the SFe aud blood
That DER storm and food
And all weather wars prevail
BE he young or old
BE it hot or cold.
He viii try and he viii not fail.
While the old world moves
In its Well-worn grooves,
There is none that sill move as he,
With his face hard set
Toward a new place yet.
Where the one great word IS "FIee."
walter Juan Davis IN the Denver Post.
The Washington herald., 1908-01-05
THE DEMAND FOR BOOKS.
How ii Is Influenced by Dcings of
Authors.

We are Obliged 10 watch the daily pa
pers studiously in order to keep prepared
for the demand for certain books and the
works Of certain authors" said an assist
ant librarian
Whenever a prominent author dies. gets
married, or figures prominently in the
newspapers In any way there is sure 10
follow within q day or two a greatly in
creased demand for books. The same
Is true when a novel is dramatized.
don't know whether the bookstores have
the same experience or not. but if they
do / should think it would pay an author
70 keep doing something every little while
that would plaCee him In the public eye. -