davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Orange County observer. [volume] (Hillsborough, N.C.) 1880-1918, 1908-03-26
It is a very effective law thai
doesn't work at all.

Something New Under the Sun.
"A lady in Illinois sent us 12c a year ago
for our remarkable collection of vegetable
and flower seeds and sold 1915 worth
therefrom, or made 3l4 per cent. ; That's
new,
Just send this notice with l2c and re-
ceive the most original seed and plant
catalog published and
l pkg "Quick Quick" Carrot. ........$ 10
l pkg. Earliest Ripe Cabbage ........ 10
l pkg. Earliest Emerald Cucumber. Is
! pkg. La Crosse Market Lettuce. Is
l pkg. Early Dinner Onion. ......... 10
l pkg. Strawberry Muskmelon. ....... Is
/ pkg. Thirteen Day Radish. ......... 10
1000 kernels g%loriously beautiful
flower seed Is
J. Total .$l!OO
Above is sufficient Iced to grow 35 blu.
of rarest vegetables and thousands of bril-
liant flowers and all is mailed to you
FOR 12c,
or if you send Ice, we will add a package
of Berliner Earliest Caulifower. John A.
Salzer Seed Co., La Crosse, Wis. A. G. L.
Most liquor would improve with
ace if men would let it.
Orange County observer. [volume] (Hillsborough, N.C.) 1880-1918, 1908-03-26
THE PAXTON TOILET CO., Boston, Mass.

No man can transfer a better title
than he has himself.
Orange County observer. [volume] (Hillsborough, N.C.) 1880-1918, 1908-03-26

Most liquor would improve with
age if men would let it.
Orange County observer. [volume] (Hillsborough, N.C.) 1880-1918, 1908-03-26
Welcome Proposition to Ladies !

WE WILL DRESS YOU IN TEE LAT
Est STYLES AND FASHIONS OF PAR LONDON AND
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-12-30
DEAF AND DUMB.

The sign he casts aside, and. with a
yell, he dances and laughs and calls
upon all present to drink at his OK.
pensc. Above his head he waves a
five dollar bin.
Great graf" he cries. Il touch
er bloke fer &c long green dead easy"
Pedestrian Patrick discards Il pair
OF well worn crutcheS and stands up
straight on what before appeared to be
helpless limbs. Il told his nohs dat
we'd pray fer 'im." he yells.
At this point Blind Phil throws down
his sign and peers intently at the five
dollar bill to make sure it is genuine.
II didn't make that much all dav."
he says ruefully.
Asleep near by, with his head bowed
on the table, is Bill, the humpback.
No n ever had Il more pronounced
deformity Of the spine.
"Bill," cries Blind Phil-"Bill, look
at de long green Pedestrian and 81.
lent COPIED! Bill"- And then as Bin
does not awake from the slumber of
i've cent whisky the "blind beggar'
hits the hump, and. 10. it goes with the
motion Of his hand. sliding down from
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-12-30
How Time Travels,

When st. Paul's strikes noon on
Jan. l, 1909, the new year will come
into being somewhere in the Pacific
ocean. on n line following longitude
$50 east, which is exactly opposite
Greenwich meridian on the other side
Of the globe. G~eographers draw the
line to avoid passing through any Of
the Pacific islands, for If 1t did the
times and days of the inhabitants
would be hopelessly muddled. Vanua,
one of the Fiji islands, for instance,
would be otherwise divided by the
line where the days and years begin
and end, so that while 1t would be
Jan. l on the western side it would
be Dec. 81 n few PAGES away on the
east of the line. One could thus walk
into yesterday and a moment later re-
turn tomorrow!
How the new year travels is curl
oslsly Illustrated by its passage across
Great Britain. 1t reaches Greenwich,
as the time center, at midnight, exact
~ twelve hours after It started. Sew
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-12-30
WHEELs4RROW TRAVEL.
A Common Method Of Transportation
In China.

!" wv
"Probably more freight and more
passengers are transported in China
by the wheelbarrow thar by n other
land method" said a Hongkong man
who is Interested in the shipping trade
in the far east.
"The wheelbarrow used in China diff
fers from that used in America in the
fact that the wheel is set in the center
and thus supports practically the en-
tire load. while the handles are sup
ported in part by a strap or rope over
the shoulders of the mar who operates
it.
AS Il result the cody in China will
transport nearly half a ton on his
wheel. W~heelbarrows are much used
In the country. where the roads are but
little developed. and have heard that
passengers sometimes make the entire
trip from Shanghai to Pekin. a dis
lance of GOO miles. by barrow.
"a two passenger barrow will make
about twenty miles a day. and the
cody is content with a pay of about
20 cents Il day or an average of about
half a cent a mile for each passenger.
On the level. well kept streets Of the
foreign quarters Of such cities as Hong
kong. Shanghai and Pekin the wheel
barrow cody will struggle along with
a load of six or even eight people,
Washington Herald.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-12-30
GRAFT HE CRIES.

elry cease, aud then only when the
merrymakers have spent all of their
Ill gotten gains and are unconscious
to their surroundings.
The grotto of modern miracles is in
the rear of Il saloon, a room 40 by %
feet. Around are scattered tables and
chairs of the cheapest kind. Thick
fumes Of smoke from bad pipe tobac-
co, the cheapest cigars made and nau-
mospherC.
The stranger Il hardly breathe.
Through the slckening atmosphere can
be detected the odor of vile beer and
still worse whisky that here is sold
for s cents a goblet.
From behind the partition Il bar
tender. with half a nose and but II
small portion of his right car to tell
the tale of his battles, %dispenscs liq-
o through an opening to a hurrying
waiter.
At the tables sit the motley group
Of hobocs. p~anhandlers and jailbirds.
Fortunate bcggars who have had Il
prosperous day are spending money
freely, small change for the most part.
Whisky aud beer flow as they have
new flowed before in the year.
Nearly all the mcnuicantS have ar.
rived. The last two. known as "pclcs.
trian Patrick and silent James," are
greeted With an uproar.
Hanging from the neck of Silent
James is the sign that reads.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-12-30

among the larcS-or would it be liStcl
among the pcnates?-of the Grown
family. Originally it must have been
of marvellous tone, for it had not alter
ed 1t during my lifetime. l had grown
so familiar with it's every whisper
that l should have recognized 1t any
where. From that moment l re.
solved to part with it, to replace ii
with an instrument Of more modern
capabilities. and when l came across
that advertisement l felt that some
thing providential was doing. Will
that end in view, but otherwise pre-
serving the appearance of Il shrewd
bargain hunter, l presented myself at
an early hour on Monday morning at
the piano counter of the store.
Contrary to my expectations. there
was no bargain hunting crowd in at
tendance. l walked boldly up to the
Chopin visaged youth in charge and
asked to be accorded a glimpse of one
Of the pianos advertised at $75 up,
Some Of them used only slightly by
artists" He smiled-unhealthily, I
thought-and preceded me to an inner
chambcr-in the basement. ! remember
it was.
"This," said he. stopping in juXtapo-
sition to the most amazing concert
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-12-30
New Year Superstitions,

1t is considered a sure sign Of death
to see ones own shadow In the moon
light on New Years eve.
You court misfortune by leaving the
house on New Year before some one
has entered it. You must hope for the
luck, moreover, of having the first to
enter a dark haired man.
Seeking to know what good or evil
the New Year would bring, supcrstitious
people in the long ago girt themselves
with swords and sat on the roof of
their houses on New Years eve. They
also knelt ut the crossroads ION a COW
hidc> for the same purpose. The first
thing brought. one might think, would
be pneumonia.
1t is bad luck to carry anything out
OF the house OF the New Year before
something has been brought in.
But the best luck of all, which ever
those most scornful of portcnts may
not despisc, is to begin tho New Year
owing no nan a cent.-Philalelphia
Press.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-12-30
1aminu Father.

Wild cries were heard coming from
the house into which the family from
the west that had recently acquired
wealth had just moved. They were
suppressed, but agonizing, as though a
human being were suffering the tor
lures Of the damned.
Some of the neighbors were about to
rush in and see about it, but one who
was on held them back. ut is moth
ing" he said quietly.
"Call that nothing? Then what is
the maj moaning about?"
"The members Of his family are just
holding him down and putting him
into his first dress suit"
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-12-30
A Hard Language.

"Leesten" said the perplexed
Frenchman. when you give a sing.
you cannot keep 'eem. So?"
80" said the English instructor.
But when Il homes mar gives 'ees
word, zee keep 'eem. So?"
So said the instructor.
But when 'ce give 'ees word, 'ow
can zee keep 'eem? Does zee take 'eem
back?"
"No," said the instructor.
But if zee keeps 'ees word zee does
not give 'eem!"
"Oh. yes. If he does not keep his
word he is not an honest man."
"Ah. l beegeen to see. 'Aving given
'ees word and not taken 'eem back. zee
keep 'eem all re while?"
"That's it,"
ooh, Ia, Ia, la! What a language ees
re Englishe!."
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-12-30

grand | h:ld ever encountered, lis the
only II we have left at SO. The 9th,
erS arc up
am familiar With the admirable col,
lection Of Instruments of all periods
illustrating the progress of the piano
forte owned and exhibited 10y the Met
ropolitan Museum of Art. and | give
you my word Of honor as a lover of
classical music that Llost of the an
tiQuc examples shown there would
have appeared modern in the company
of this m%ediaeval clavichord. My own
condemned Instrument was Il triumph
or modernity in comparison.
"Wouldn't YOU like to try it?" asked
the salesman insinuatingly.
removed my gloves and struck tn.
chord In { natural. The outcome was
so unnatural that | fairly jumped tn
my feet.
~ fancy this must be one Of those
used only slightly by artists" | said
with as little irony rs l could manage.
Eve do not claim that 1t has not
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-12-30
Always on

A man who is constitutionally late
surprised his friends by leaving the
house ut l o'clock to keep a . O'Clock
appointment.
"Jim's watch must be wrong or he
wouldn't have started SO early" they
said. He will surely be on time to-
day. Where in the world can he be
eoinc?'
"He is going to a funeral volunteer
ed one who knew. Tie is one ct the
pallhearers. Very seldom are pail
bearers behind time. l have known
men who were late on every other
imaginable o~ccasion-late for their
wv weddings. eyen-but if chosen for
p~al!bearers they always came up to
the mark."-Ncw York Globe.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-12-30
the shoulders to the middle of the

the shoulders to the middle of the
back.
Bill awakes with a yawn and slowly
adjusts his stock in trat to it's proper
resting place between his shoulders
while giving his order to the waiter.
As the waiter sets out the drinks the
hoboes pass around the bill. The blind
examine it closely, the lame dance
with it in their hands. and the armless
feel of the paper with the air Of one
who is used to 1t. The bill is passed
around the merry crowd and greeted
with enthusiasm until taken by Green
Goods Ike.
"It's a fake" he cries-"a bad imita-
tion!' And the drinks are on Pedes-
TRAN Patrick and Silent James, for it
Is a counterfeit.-New York World.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-12-30
RAISING CHICKENS.
Her Theory Wa Right, but q Flaw
MARRIED Her Practice.

Her Theory Was Right, but a Flaw
MARRIED Her Practice.
YES. farming is ri! very easy the
farmer said. ANY city person coul6
make a Success Of it at the first go.
of. Mrs. Jack Frost took the farm
next to mine one year. Being from the
city. she thought she would show Us
country people a thing or two about
real farming. She began on a chicken
yard.
ut was a fine yard. Pretty soon q
hundred eggs Matched out. There were
half hens and half ROSTERS. Mrs. Jack
Frost. before sailing for Europe. sep.
arated the two exes. and, killing ali
the ROSTERS. she sent them to he1
friends. A fine lot Of spring br'ilers
they made. They were no bigger than
squads.
but when Mrs. Jack Frost got back
from Europe Il strange sight her chick
en- yard presented. 1t was nothing
but young ROSTERS young ROSTERS.
Growing, young ROSTERS staggering
about. while here. with flying feathers
and squawks and blood. a terrible
fight went on. and there. disregarded
by all, lay the corpses of brave birds
slain in single combat. At sunrise you
could hear the crossing of those roost.
ers all over the county.
poor Mrs. Jack Frost understood
the theory of chicken raising all right,
only in separating the young birds she
mistOok the males for the females, and
vice versa."-New Orleans Times-Dem-
noraf
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-12-30

took the public's breath away. The
appearance Of that papier mache head
of John the Baptist on a very respect
able charger and the subsequent high
" specialized hysteria of the mimic
daughter of Herodias seemed to be
more provocative Of disgust than was
the real thing which happened some
twenty centuries ago.
1t was but ephemeral-that srasn
Of distaste for things sacred made in
expressibly vulgar. A year later al!
the places Of cheap amusement in
Greater New York were doing their
various versions of Salome's unlady.
like conduct without a word Of pro-
test from any one whose d%isapproval
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-12-30

R~onaparte said France was not large
enough for himself and Nine. de Stael
at the same time and eXiled her. Next
to Ronapartc she was. through her
salons. the most powerful parsonage
il the countrT in her time. If l were
empress of the world" exclaimed the
brilliant Nine. lie Jesse. Il would com
mand Nine. de Stael TO talk to me for
avert
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-12-30

meant anything
worth while. Di.
vested of melody
and of about ev-
erything else
save the sum
mer weight sew
Ell wells, this alb
breviated 'Salo-
me" has ragged
like an epidemic,
and it is a good
thing for Rich
ard Strauss and
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-12-30

enteen minutes later it gets to Glas-
gov, and another six minutes pass be-
fore the new year has captured Pen
zance. These are the true times for
these places, though Greenwich time
Is the II accepted. But Ireland is
proud in possession of her own chro-
nology. and 1t will be 1926 at night
in London before 1909 reaches Dub
lin.-London Chronicle.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-12-30

is of the opinion
that it is hard
enough to bear
the b ire e of
great w e Il t Ii
without rubbing
it in with Il
word which has
not been used
since the days of
st. John Chryscs-
toni. My editor
agrees with him,
although he has
not said SO owing
to the fact that
the entente cor
dale between lis
is no longer per-
ceptible.
l IL Il i II
Ii o W CIV e /. M
shall continue So
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-12-30
a Sit of = EuiI.

One day an Irishnlan was asked %
cunae to work an hour earlier than
usual. This he promised to do, Next
morning he was an hour late.
"ShUVe, sor, | should have been ne
good if ora come. as | was fast
ISlepp"
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-12-30

to do as long rs my usefulness to man
kind is not endangered thereby. that
any word which seemed good to the
bate Noah Webster is good enough for
me. Nor do | intend 10 show any
especial favoritism in my use Of words.
Why should l say worker of mira
cles'' when ''thaumaturgist" means the
same and makes the other fellow feel
90 much more uncomfortable?
STCYVESAET BROWN.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-12-30
Ore
Ne~ Year Of
beHoboes
In the Crotto of Modern Miracles.

- NOWHERE in New York city at
midnight on New Years eve is
L there a buster throng Of hurry.
ing humanity than at the juno.
ton of Park row and the Bowery. In
termingled with the throng are merry
panhandlers, as happy as the richest,
for New Years eve is their harvest
time.
Few Of the panhandlers who fire.
quent the downtown districts are
plying ter vocation as old Trinity
tolls out the midnight hour in the
chimes. The belated mes are hurry
ing to a dive at Chatham square, there
to meet brother mendicants and joy
fully celebrate with the money beg
ged from New Year shoppers.
Here n may witness nightly trans
formations more wonderful than in
the famous "Court of Miracles" in old
Paris which Victor Hugo describes in
".;otre Dame" The blind see, the
dumb talk, the hunchback loses all
traces Of his deformity, the deaf hear,
missing limbs are grown in a twin
king, and the lame discard their
clutches and dance in glee.
OF all the nights in the year the
gladdest in this dive in the Bowery is
New Years eve. Not until long after
the late dawn does the drunken rev
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-12-30

been used by many who were not
artists" he returned.
What I did was to go straight to a
leading dealer in high priced pianos
and order a thousand dollar grand,
which will have to be paid for some
time and in some way. l know not
precisely how or when. The agree.
ment is that it shall be %liquidated in
installments. my old piano being taken
in lieu of the first payment.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-12-30
El,-.-.r.s cra Philosophy
ky DUNCAN N. SMITH

WARNING.
Hear the tramping
OF the feet
Up and down
The busy street.
At the counter
See the crush !.
Like a noisy
Football rush.
See the weary
Ladies' stand
With their money ~
In their hand. y
Trying hard
To beat the game -,
And get action
On the same.
See the patrons
Thicker grow
At the bargain
Counter row.
Men and women,
Girls and boys
After fancy
Goods and toys
For their dear ones
And, I swear.
Some for whom
They do not care
Sight that has
A battle beat
To a FRAGILE
Quite complete,
Worse than crowds
That go insane
Round the pres
1dential train
Or the human
Freight they ship
On the street cars
Homeward trip.
If through that
You would not p1ow,
Buy your Christmas
Presents now.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-12-30

proval. It wasn't
that the music
Of the opera
Is especially try
ing - New York
opera goers r
pretty well forti-
fed against any
thing Of that
sort - but t h G
very audacity of
the THING fairly
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-12-30

Season before last when Fremstad
sang the part Of the heroine in Rich
ard Strauss highly favored "Salome"
for n night only Gotham awoke to
a perfect landslide of virtuous disap-
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-12-30

Ell work at his Manhattan opera
House without the interposition Of Mr..
Anthony Comstock and his admirable
society. 1t has also made it possible
for Mary Garden to sing the title role
and to do the dance with her own
shapely feet.
Next in point of ineXplicability to
the fact that the north pole still re-
mains undiscovered must be put the
denseness which prevails among the
laity regarding the human anatomy.
1t is not unlikely that the reason for
this is because medicine and surgery
have never been freed from the yards
and yards Of mummy cloth which in
closes them. Perhaps it is feared that
should there " be IN unwinding of
these ceremcnts nothing would be
found underneath them. BE that as
it may, it is certain that the ordinary
Gothamite knows mighty little con
corning his internal construction. He
agrees with the learned Dr.. Paley that
it was very considerable of the Creator
to inclosc the intricate human mechan-
ism in such Il decent case as is provid-
ed for man and lets 1t go ut that.
AS an illustration l beg leave to adj
duce Jacobus Damn, Il man whose
blood is reputed to be more knicker-
booker than otherwise. Meeting him
recently in a spot so secluded that it
seemed unlikely that l should be com
promised, l proceeded to ask after the
welfare of a mutual acquaintance.
"As we'll as could be expected" he
returned. "under the circumstances"
l knew that all hat was necessary
was to look interrogatively in the di-
rection of Jacobus, and l did &C.
Haven't you heard?' he ratified on.
"He's had an appendix removed"
"Indeed!' l calculated sympathetical-
ly. (Which one?"
81 forgot to ask" said Jacobus inno-
Gently.
At this l laughed outright. "How
many appendices had the man to start
with?" l inquired.
II suppose he was provided With the
usual number" replied Jacobus, with
dignity.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-12-30
The kaiser's Plight.

He hears the public calling
And clutches at his crown,
For no bouquets are falling.
And Wilhelm knows the calling
Is just a calling down.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-12-30

People who have little knowledge
are always willing to scatter that little
as far as they can.-Chicago Record.
Herald.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-12-30
Business Eye.

"See that lady across the street,"
"The one who looks as though she
wanted to bite somebody"
"She is a man hater."
SLOW Interestingly" exclaimed the
enthusiastic real estate man. II Won
der if I could get her into a syndicate
for the purchase of No Mans Land?"
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-12-30

.jecting to Bach?
Who is it?" l re-
turned Indignant
ly.
You bin all
right. Bach bin
all right. efery-
body bin all right
nur NIGHT de tamn
oft blanc. Object.
nein--aber Owen
ty-tife kicks in
drei %lninutcn."
1t was not Il re.
cent piano. When
could think it
over dispassion-
htely was al
most shocked to
remember h 0 W
long the instru-
nlcnt had been
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-12-30
Everybody Knows It.

1T Is expensive traveling."
"You bet! Why. in some places you
have to pay a quarter for two postal
cards."
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-12-30

The real grief of the con man lies in
the assertion that you can't fool some
Of the people all the time, and his only
consolation is the reflection that there
are others.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-12-30

the makers was appended, and l rec
Ognized among them more than one
manufacturer Of worldwide reputation.
Not the least attractive feature Of the
business was the legend From $40
up"
Scarcely q week before this my feel
ings had been narrowed cruelty. Late
n evening as l sat at my piano, n
prettily bound volume of John Sebas-
tian Bach's ''Inventions' on the rack
before mel admit that I do not ap-
proach Herr Rosenthal in technique,
but. really. l thought l was not doing
so very ~badly-there was a long. ear
nest ring at my telephone. Almost be-
fore l had time to adjust the receiv-
er to my more reliable ear l recog-
niZed the late evening voice of my
Teutonic %janitor. who resides In the
basement.
"Mecster Prown," It came sepulchral-
ly, "warum-I mean me w don't you
kvit it,"
Haven't l the right? Who is OBJ
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-12-30

appeared in n
Of the morning
papers an adver-
tisement that APP
pealed to me
with unusual in
sistence. A prom
inent department
store known in
Gotham and vi
entity for its
square dealing
notified the pub
lie that on the
following morn
ing it would open
a bargain sale Of
second hand pi-
amos, 'sO1ne Of
them used only
slightly by art
lists" A lief of
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-12-30

You often find it hard to teach ON
men anything because experience,
stern old experience, has been on the
job before you.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1908-12-30

Probably money does talk, but some
people refuse Ven at that to give cur.
rcncy to the conversation.