davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1908-11-26
Poverty Has its Advantages.

A man on the wane, of life observes
that poverty has advantages and ad
versity its uses. If you are poor you
can wear out your old clothes. You
are excused from calls You are not
troubled with many visitors Bores do
not disturb you. Spongers do not haunt
your tables Brass bands do not sere-
made you. No one thinks of present
ing you with a testimonial. No store
keeper irritates you by asking you,
"Is there anything l can do for you?''
Begging letter writer's do not bother
you. Flattercrs do not flatter you.
You are saved many debts and many
n deception. And, lastly, If you have
a true friend in the world you are sure
to know 1t In a short space of time by
him not deserting you.-Huntsville
Tex) Post-Item.
A woman's love is n paradox. You
can't keep it unless you return it.
Philadelphia Record.
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1908-11-26
They Sat Down.

One night at a theatcr some scenery
took fire, ard 4 very perceptible odor
Of burning alarmed the spectators \
panic seemed to be imminent when an
actor appeared on the stage.
ladies and gentlemen" he said.
compose yourselves. There is no
danger"
The audience did not seem rcas-
sured.
Ladies' and gentlemen" continued
the comedian. rising to the necessity
of the occasion-"confound it aldo
you think if there was any danger I'd
be here?"
The panic collapsed.
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1908-11-26
The Coveted Hand.
Hit Him Hard.

Il presume" said the lodger icily at
the conclusion of the little dispute with
his landlady-"I presume that you will
allow me to take my belongings away
with me?'
81 am sorry" WAS the fey reply, but
your other collar has not yet come
home from the laundry. kansas City
Independent.
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1908-11-26
Explanations In Order.

y man whose wife was extremely
jealous planned pleasant surprise for
her in the form of a trip to New York
to see THE Merry Widow" and wrote
a friend in the city to let him know
the earliest date for which he could Sc,
cure seats. The next day when he
was away from home the following
telegram was delivered there, address.
ed to him, but opened by his wife:
Nothing doing with the widow un.
til the 10th. VIII that suit your
Explanations were demanded.
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1908-11-26
She Knew

Little Girl-If l was a teacher I'd
make everybody behave. Auntic-
How would YOU accomplish that? Lit
tie Girl Very easy. When girls was
bad I'd tell them they didn't look
pretty, and when little boys were bad
I'd make them sit with the girls. ana
when big boys was bad l wouldn't let
them sit with the girls.
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1908-11-26
The WAY He Lost.

The McSkinner-Twa shillin' to gang
to Holborn! Nay, nay. But-weel, I'll
toss ye, double or quits. Sporting Cab
by-Well, I'm goln' that way any'ow.
so 'ere goes. 'Eads! The McSkinner-
Heads? Weel, we've won. SO I'll jist
hae to walk Punch.
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1908-11-26
MOST EXCLUSIVE CLUB.
English Joy That There Is One Door
Riches Won't Unlock.

The Royal Yacht squadron is proba-
bly, the most exclusive club In exist
ence, says the London Gentlewoman.
and, wonderful to relate in this pluto
cratic age, money is quite powerless
to unlock the charmed portals of the
castle.
One or two millionaires with spien-
did yachts have tried in vain to pass
the ordeal of the periodical ballot,
while men Of no fortune or only just
enough to defray the upkeep of a small
yacht have been elected without an
idea of black ball.
The only apparent qualification is
that the candidate must possess
yacht of his own, but there are other
qualifications much more difficult of
attainment by the man of money, and
it is just here that the question of
blackballing comes in, 1t must be own
ed, rather refreshingly.
For really one had almost said that
there is no social "holy of holies" into
which he who is rich cannot penetrate
until one recalls the pleasant circle of
gentlemen who 60 to make up the
Royal Yacht squadron. There is, one
remembers gratefully, just one insti-
tuition left to which the mystic words
81 am rich" do not have the effect of
an "open sesame"
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1908-11-26
ST. Auaustine and His Flower

st. Augustine of Hippo, the great
doctor of the church, whose festival
falls on Aug. %, is a sadly neglected
saint among modern rituallsts and even
occasionally confused with his name.
sake, who insulted the British bishops
Yet he is pronounced by Hooker with
out any equal and regarded by Har
mack as "the first modern man." He
has been better honored in the floral
world, for to him is dedicated the
goldenrod, or woundwort (Solidago vir
ga-aurea). Old Gerard, with whom
this was favorite remedy, tells US
that goldenrod fetched high price as
a foreign herb until discovered grow.
ing near London, when the plant was
neglected. He adds the caustic com.
ment, This verifeth our English prov.
erb, Far fetcht and dear boughte is
best for ladies' or for fantastical ply.
sitions," Before tobacco the golden.
rod also furnished snuff for our medi.
aeval forefathers. - Westminster Ga.
Zette.
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1908-11-26
A Source of joy.

''What seems to be the matter with
Mrs. Brown that she's ailing sof"
why, poor thing, she's got one Of
those newfangled diseases"
"She has? My, how fortunate she
is, to be sure Here I've had nothing
more stylish than lumbago, and I'm
three years older than she is.'-Detroi,
Free Press
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1908-11-26
THE SWORDFlSH.
Overload of the Sea and the Daintiest
Feeder That Swims.

The swordfish is the overload Of the
sea. Neither the whale, the shark nor
any other giant of the deep can con-
quer him in private fight or public
brawl. Nevertheless he is peaceful in
the main and seeks the simple life
amusing himself often with worldwide
travel and always with delicate gusta-
tory joys. He is the daintiest feeder
that swims, always kills. his own game
md thereby insures ITS freshness.
wherefore his flesh Is delight to the
palate of mankind and wherefore.
again, men go forth to kill him for
market and thereby ut times fall upon
adventures that make the hunting of
tigers and the shooting of grizzlies pale
into pastimes for the weary weakling.
For the bold swordfish is still hunted
in mode as primitive as that the Eski-
mo uses to kill the stupid whale, and
often the sting of the harpoon changes
this luxurious ocean gastronome into
raging water devil quick to perceive
his advantage, charging with the speed
Of a bullet and the accuracy of n
sworlSman up against the lone fisher
man in the dory who tries to bring
him to gaff. Then must the fisherman
measure with exactness the lunge of
the monster, avoid 1t by a marvel Of
nice sidestepping in a plunging dory.
or he will be spitted like a lark.-Wn-
liam Inglis in Harper's Weekly.
Taking Their Temperature.
For three days on Il transatlantic
cattle steamer with passenger accom-
modations, Mrs. Billings had been en-
dCayoring by persistent and continu-
Gus Qucstionings to obtain some ideas
as to nautical proceedings. and the
other passengers had about reached
the end of their patience.
We'll" remarked Miss Talbot Mt
dinner as she passed the salt, Il am
glad to find that they treat the cattle
so humanely on board. Why, they
take the temperature twice day reg
ularly"
oh" cried Mrs. Billings in a high,
piercing crescendo, ''do they really?
I'm so glad to hear it, but I shouldn't
think they could very we'll"
"Why not, madam" inquired an eld-
erly man on her left.
"Well-well, why said Mrs. Bill
lingS, II should think that it would be
hard to keep a clinical thermometer in
a cows mouth long enough to get any
temperature without having it crush
ed"-Youth's Companion.
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1908-11-26

"Well, there's one thing to be said
for public servants"
whats that?'
when you hire one you never have
any trouble keeping him."-Cleveland
Leader
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1908-11-26
SpoiIed His Appetite,

every bit of food on this table"
said the serving lady to Lamson as he
sat down to eat at the church supper.
was cooked by your wife"
"Oh, 1 don't mind" rejoined Lam
son family. I'm not a bit hungry,
anywayv'-New York Times.
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1908-11-26
a "PIace of Learninq."

Sydney Smith, once asked why a Ger
tain college was called a place Of learn
ing, replied that, although great
many had been there to get learning,
no one had ever taken learning away;
hence 1t was appropriately named.
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1908-11-26

Tenton-At first he was simply crazy
about her but now he neglects her
shamefully. Sloanes-I see. At first
he went out of his mind, and then she
went out of his mind"
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1908-11-26
Smyrna Figs.

Smyrna figs ripen by the beginning
of August. They are not picked, but
when they reach a certain maturity
they begin to dry, and consequently
they drop on the ground. In the morn
ing everybody on the plantations goes
around with buckets gathering the
fruit. which they carry to a certain
place where the ground is covered
with dry leaves and straw (sergeii
and on which they spread the fruit,
exposing it to the sun, allowing it TO
remain there from two to three DAYS.
1t takes about three days to dry the
fig If north winds prevail, as the at
mosphcre is then very dry. If, how,
ever, westerly winds are blowing,
which means heavy dew at night. the
fruit must remain exposed to the sun
from five to seven days. This is
dangerous period as rain or even a
shower might ruin hundreds of tons of
fruit lying on the ground. Heavy dews
sometimes are just as detrimental.
The proper atmospheric conditions to
insure crop of large, sound, rich figs
are west winds in June and July, fol-
lowed by north winds in August, and
from then on an occasional west wind
every five or six DAYS.
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1908-11-26
As to 4 Courtshin

Hes telling everybody that she is
his first love"
"And sheT"
''She is confiding to select few that
he is her last chance."--Ioufsyille
6auFfar-Jasa~-
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1908-11-26
Added = ittle suI,hur

Doctor-Did your husband follow my
directions? Did he take the medicine
1 left for him religiously? Patients
Wife-Im afraid not. doctor. He swore
every time I gave him a dose.-Boston
Transcript.
For the noblest man that lives there
ttill remains n conflict. Garfield
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1908-11-26
A Reliable
Remedy
EIy's Cream Balm
is quickly absorbed.
Gives Relief al Once.

'SS hciaIi az SilGes
1t cleanses, soothes,
heals and protects
the diseased men,
brane resulting from
Catarrh and drives
away q Cold il the
Head quickly. Re-
stores the Senses of
Taste and Smell. f.
gists or by mail. II
Ely Brothers, 90 Wa
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1908-11-26
GOLDEN RULE SOCIETY.
II Proposes to Organize a Political
Party and Restpict the Suffrage


Emily Bange and Josephine S. BanCe
of Brooklyn and Louise Burge of Ham
mondsport, \. Y, recently filed papers
at Albany with the secretary of state
of New York organizing the Society Of
Applied Philosophy, with its principal
office i'll New York city. for the pur-
pose, among other things, of establish.
ing the Golden Rule.
The society is Ito apply the princi-
pies of philosophy and of the Chris
tian religion to existing conditions and
institutions, to political, social and 9th,
or problems; to organize political
party to be known as the Progressive
Conservatives and to restrict the rights
of suffrage to the owners of Il certain
amount of property, real or personal.
and TO extend the suffrage on the same
terms to women: also to influence leg
islation in the direction of greater hU-
manity, prohibiting corporal punish
ment in every form and establishing
the Golden Rule and the Christian
method and reform which are to over
come evil with good"
He Was Very Charitable.
Among the features of Il charity
bazaar held in London was a refresh
ment stall, to which charitable donors
contributed supplies, thus enabling all
the taklngs to represent clear profits
The lady in charge requested gift fol
this purpose from a we'll known and
wealthy gentleman In the city, but one
not famous for parting" To her sur
prise she received next day a note tc
the effect that he was sending her q
sirloin of beef and two OK tongues.
The same morning the lady happen
ed to go to her butcher (who was also
the butcher of Mr.. NJ, and. after Civ
ing him Il large order for her stall
asked him if he would like himself t.
give anything.
Il should very much, ma am" replied
the worthy tradesman, but I yester
day gave to Mr.. Y, at his request foI
this purpose. a sirloin of beef and three
OK tongues"
Net gain TO Mr.. n: One OK tongue
and a cheap reputation for charity
London Standard.
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1908-11-26
According to Law.

In one Of the states an act was
passed last year requiring heads Of
families to notify the health officer at
once in case there was any contagious
disease in the house. The following
letter was recently received by n Ger
tain officer:
Dear Sir-Thls is to notify you that my
boy Ephram is down with the measles.
as required by the new law.
PETER ADAMS.
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1908-11-26
Her Nersion of Ii.

She was wee scrap of Il thing just
three years old, but with a soul of a
heroine shining out of her great brown
eyes. 1t was her first visit to the zoo,
and the babel of queer noises and rows
Of strange big beasts might well have
daunted her baby heart. But she
scorned to seem afraid. Only when
they approached the towering form of
the elephant did she draw back.
I'm not goin' too close, papa" she
whispered; Il might scare him"--Wo-
mans Home Companion.
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1908-11-26
a Gallant Cleruyman.

1t is said that the Rev. Sydney
Smith could be gallant as well as witty
on occasion.
"Oh, Mr.. Smith, l cannot bring this
flower to perfection" said a young
lady to him once as she showed him
about her conservatory.
Whereupon he took her by the hand
and said. Then let me bring perfec-
tion to the flower"
The Coveted Hand.
The young man had gone to the heir
ess' father-always a ticklish job-but
he took his courage with an iron grip.
"Sir," he blurted out, Il want to ask
you for your daughters hand"
The old man. not in the least discon.
certed, said:
(Which hand? The one she signs
checks with, | suppose"
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1908-02-17

Into an institution for the deaf, dumb
and blind, or one catering exclusively
to tic lame. Or II might become a
conservatory OF music, singers and
violinists being little addicted to foot
ball as "a rule, or q Kindergarten, shut
ting Its doors rigidly TO pupils who
have passed the age Of seven. Or, best
of all, perhaps, IL might become n cor
respondence school, in which case it's
students, scattered widely over the
continent, would find 1t SO difficult to-
report for practice that athletics would
quickly die n natural death.
Where a college is without any
definite purpose and mission there is
doubtless no more reason for its being
one kind of college than any other;
and Swartlmorc can doubtless find
many ways in which she can attach
the million If sho only puts her mind
to 1t.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1908-02-17
coFFEE DRINKING


"In my opinion" says we'll known
German physician. mo one can truth
fully say that coffee agrees with him,
as it has long since been proven that
caffeine. contained In coffee, Is an in-
furious, poisonous substance, which
weaksns and degenerates the heart
muscles.
For this reason the regular use Of
coffee, soon or late, causes o condition
Of undernourishment, which leads to
various kinds OF organic disease,
"Convinced1of this fact, have often
sought for some healthful beverage TO
use instead of coffee. At last found
the thing desired In Postum. HAVING
had occasion to forbid people using
coffee, whose hearts were affected, ]
have recommended Postum as n hey-
erage, since 1t is free from, all lEinju-
rious or exciting substances | know
this from rthults in my own family
and nmong patcnts
Hundreds Of persons who now use
Postum II, place OF coffee are greatly
benefited thereby There's a Reason.
Name given by Postum Co., Battle
Creek, Mich, Read "The Road to Well'
lyille" In pkgs.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1908-02-17

refuse to act. Several suits have
been brought, and In, each case jury
trial was demanded, but the Jury In
varlably found for the defendant. a
Local Self-Government Society has
been organized to fight the sunday
Closing League, and at a recent mass
meeting resolutions were adopted con-
demnlng the States attorney for at
tempting TO enforce the law, and COM
mending Mayor Bussey for refusing to
enforce III.
What spectacle is this! "The Sun
day saloon exists In Chicago In defi-
ance of law" says one of the local
newspapers. '1ts champions declare
that the law Is obsolete and does not
express the will of the majority of Chi
casoans, and that the majority rules
and ought to rule. They have made
arrangements to secure n vote at the
April election to show what the voters
OF the city think of the Sunday saloon
THAT Is the wise aud honest course.
If the people want Sunday saloons, let
them be frank and say so. 1t Is far
better to run them In accordance with
law than in defiance of law. Contempt
of law Is the most dangerous evil thut
can exist in a government like ours.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1908-02-17
WHO PAYS THE TAX.

WHO pays the taX?" asks the. Rich
mond, Va, Times-Dispatch. 1t depends
on what tax Is meant. II it Is the
tariff tax, it is paid by the American
consumer. II 1t Is just the ordinary,
all-around. everyday State tax, II Is
paid by the man with the cottage and
the man with the moderate means. In
any event, It is not the holder of bonds
and mortgages who pays the tax, nor
yet is 1t the giant corporations. All
the people pay the taxes for them.
Thanks to the tariff legislation
Owensboro tKy.) Messenger.
And vet 1t is all done so slyly and
Indirectly that the people do not know
that they pay the tax. The w-makers
are in part to blame. THAT tax is
best" says modern writer, whose
Incidence can be seen by the legislator.
A tax is often shifted from one person
to another until it falls upon person
who cannot shift It. For example,
where mortgages are taxed, the mort
igagee may Increase the rate of interest
and thus compel the mortgagor to pay
1.-THE tax. IL the mortgagor should leave
the mortgaged property to tenant, he
may in turn be able to shift the tax
and cause 1t to fall upon the lessee In
4 the form of higher rent. Thus, wheth.
er the incidence be upon the mortgage,
or upon the tenant, it will not be wher,
the law-maker intended that it Shout,
be--upon the mortgagee."
When the incidence of taxation Il
fully understood; when the peopl
learn that they bear the burden OF III
tariff tax, the mortgage tax and al
other indirect taxation, as well a.
direct taxation. there will,bc a might
reform IN the Nystem.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1908-02-17
Ennct LAVA.

Editor OF The Times Dispatch:
Sir.-Being a follower of Solon's
school OF thought that few laws. wise
ly administered. are best for the body
polite. you will allow dissent from
the procedure OF the present Legisla-
ture.
Isn't 1t fact that Rhea and Black
stone have occupied a good deal of
legislative thought that could have
been better spent? Judge Rhea has
been accused Of being a politician. The
same charge could be brought against
the present executive of this Common
wealth. but all will agree that Mr..
Swanson is making splendid Cover
nor; so 1t seems to be the part of wis
dom to give Rhea chance. since no
one has said that he is not man OF
ability.
In plain language. Judge Blackstone
has been accused of being drunk. He
doubtless was put on the bench by
those who knew this trend in his char
acter, If indeed the charge is true. And
whether true or not, there has been
enough said about him in the papers
to cause him to be careful to the end
Of his term. without making Police
Court of the law-making body of this
State. So won't you advise the law
makers to promptly enact the laws
needful for all the people, and go
home? If they will do this, the people
will he the better served.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1908-02-17

critic Letter sss sf % ten &
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S wis. g" the "
80.
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% @ % ] sufs so n p%bs
se aa %sS s"sat the STATE
@ morning. a s s Union II: us ss
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HEADER AND suBscRIBER
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1908-02-17
Borrowed Jingles
THE rRopRrrrlEs or ROYALTY.

AZ the recent royal hunting party Nm,
Alfonso created sensation by tnkinE of
n'H coat. Queen Victoria had 70 request MN
10 resume the discarded garfneh'.I
Tie royal beaters beat the game that neal
cd beating, being tame. =
II was shame, but Just me same the
Thu royal sportsman has no fun In shoot
Ing pheasants that won't run
or ny, or shun the royal gun. You've
-, got to make thom scary,
me royal hunters lay In wait ana shot
~, at quite lively rate.
"a really hate to try to state win all
How many birds that day were slain. But
~, young Alfonso--him Of spain =.
lie Just raised Cain saw with pain his
hlghness shed hts jacket
Imagine how our blood was chilled how
all the court with horror thrilled:
with grief and cofssserna'ion
=, he forgot his kingly pride.
no perturbation!
rio really didn't seem to care. but stood
With nll that linen bare
ana plugged a hare. king EDWARDS stare
But presently his lovely Queen In Ills d.
recfion seemed To lean
ana with Hien of anguish keen, cried,
Fonso. put that coat on!'
true majesty would rather sweat I'LL every
thread were wringing wet
and not forget that etiquette takes nc ac-
count OF weather.
The plumnge gay, so have heard, Is main
-, ly all the royal bird:
It's most absurd. upon my word. to shed
a single feather
royalty In deshablle! His shirt sleeves
TO the wo.ld revenl
subject leal can only feel that thrones
Will soon be rocking.
Although; OF course. we know that Kings
and even queens have unicrthlnss
True wisdom clings TO coverings. Good
gracious II was shocking.
Chicago News.