Waterbury evening Democrat., 1908-02-01
BANQUET ORATORY
Mr. D0Oley Has Something 10
Say About II.

] @Twas, faith" agreed Mr. Hen
messy. "Wa-ar you ther-re?'
| Il was not" said Mr. Dooley, with
some heat, ''nor-r nanny iv me kind
ayether. R-read the lisht " names
ag'in. 1t don't sound much like the
rapport iv an A. 0. Hatch meetin'.
"Yerra," he went on, "fwhat bust
ness shud / hov among all thin big
| bugs, that was liftin' tn nayshun out
iv the 'slop iv disphond,' as Hogan
would say? IT'S hazard enough f'r me
| to r-run me own business, an pick
mummy enough at the ind iv the year
to pay me license, let alone contribute
in to the gayety iv the airth an the
support Nv the Elton?"
''All iy thin that wint had Il big
time, tubby shure, an some Nv thin
maybe headache. But, Hinnessy, me
bic, | don't need to go to stitch places
to get THIRST FIR br-romo-seltZer, an
confused notions about our-r bankin'
system an the shquare deal. / knew
fwhat Sicrety Shaw thought about
the matther since the time whin he
was wor-rkin' FIR Tiddy; an as f'r
Congressman Hill, well he is a con-
grissman, that's all, an the likes Nv
him have been tinkerin' wild our mum
ny system since Robert 1mmer's time
an now all we have to show FIR their
work. is the permitted statement that
Sicrity Cortelyou STINT to Wan-Eyed
Tillman, causin' the latther to br-reak
out in vi'lent Eruption an fill the air
wild fire an shmoke. Hill says we
want d centralized bank, an Shaw
says You're anither, we don't want
anything Nv the kind An ther-re
you ar-re."
"Fwhat do you think " asked Mr.
Hennessy.
II Think answered Mr. Dooley,
''that they're both right, an both
wrong. Fwhat we mosht need is banks
shtrong enough to keep dishonest min
out whin we put our mummy In.
They'se mummy enough to do business
wild, on'y they amt honeshtly enough
to go ar-round. We don't need banks
as much as we need knowledge " the
tin commandments. Vance Tiddy
Rosenfelt discovered these COM
mandments, an he wrote an tolt con-
griss about him. But congriss wrote
back sayin.' Whoever heerd iv stitch
a thing? Joe Cannon didn't anyway,
an if tits SO, we may as we'll go home
an go to confession Mummy, siz you
Hinnessy. we've mummy to BURN,
but fwhat we need all over the coun-
thry Is new set iv teachers in our
schools who'll go to the blackboard
vance day an write the difference
betune mine an thine. Show me
man, as the pote says that'll make the
honishty iv nayshun, a. l care not
who'll make its coin.
"You see, Hinnessy, a finanshul
panic is like shmall pox scare. Whin
its her-re iver-ry wan but thin that
wants FIRE advertiser, advocates vac
cination. But whin the scare Is over,
all iv us, even Doc Kilmartin himself,
shtops thinkin' iv it. So whin busi-
ness min, is PARTIES, an want to fix
up the system. But whin It's good,
no wan cares about the mummy sys-
TEN, but iverywan cares about mummy.
They'se mummy everywhere, even in
yer pocket afther the woman hands 1t
to you wild the buttons sewed on. Yes.
faith, they'se stitch q lot iv II that
those who have borrid iv you TO bet
on the lasht jack pot pay you back.
Banks an shtockin's is full w II an
livery policy man carries wod that'd
choke a sewer. We are eighty mill
yuns iv free and half crazy people
all Engaged in kind of poker game.
An about seventy-nine millions iv us
have three or four aces up or shleeve.
Il have some iv thin meself. You
come in her-re all tired out an mad
at Ed McAIannus FIR wor-rkin' so
late. an l know you can't tell (which
bottle has the wather in ii.
"'Gimme some Irish fwhiskey' you
say, an l do give you some fwhis-
key, but more wather. But whin you
t'row it into yerself, you shmack
yer lips an say MN, all! that's fine,
gimme anither.' an I do, an you go
home wild stitch a GRIN on yer face
that the childher don't r-run indher the
bed, an though tits dark. you riddle
ashes enough to keep clinkers or the
fire FIR week. An you give the
woman $3.50, an she goes to the
shtore and buys shirt waisht marked
up I'm $500 to $500, an then down
to $40. an whln she goes out wan
iv the partners. n bald headed man
goes TO the ither an says, We'll.
guess we take cards In the great
nashnul game iv gra-raft.'
Win the woman gets home. she
finds n farmer there wild a cr-rate
~ eggs. shtrictly fr-resh. though pack
ed lasht summer out In Ohio. n she
pays forty-five cents a dozen fr them.
The honisht farmer goes ont Nv the
house singin' "All Bound Round With
a Wooden String an hopin' that whin
you ate the eggs you won't he
soher-r enough to know that they
tashte like kar-sene lie. Thin he goes
20 a hay an feed shtore an buys a
bale iv hay. nice on the outside. hut
rotten ithln, and be wonders fwy
Hube Rigney has to cT-remate his
harse the following spring.
''You have a fr-rind that has on'y
nine kids an gets tin dollars \ week
an therefore saves eight. Bimeby
he has enough saved TO buy a house.
so be goes to n man that vance had
a conscience. hut now has houses f'r
sale. The man says to him. I have
he SAYS. n house. he says. in an ex-
elusive locality. fwhere.' he says.
theyise 4 fine school. an the shtork u
afraid to come hack to amy family
afther the second visit. an he says.
'T'Il sell Il cheap So your fr-riend