Connecticut western news., 1908-11-12
ASmOked Ham Diet.
Copyright 1soS by T. c. Mcclure ]

Copyright, 190S by T. c. McClure.l
 Bill Scott, as he was familiarly call ed, was lazy and shiftless.
 Like all lazy men, Bill Scott had an appetite His appetite also had a pref erence He loved oysters, chicken, porterhouse steak and clam chowder, but what he loved above all was smok- ed ham. He liked it fried or boiled or baked, and he co duId never get enough of it. The only way he could get ham was to steal 1t, and many of the vil- lagers and farmers objected to his midnight visits to their smokehouses. Among the objectors was the Widow Glenn, who had farm mile away. She was also one of those interested in seeking to save Bill from himself. Perhaps she was the only woman fn the world who would have thought of combining ham with reform. The idea came to her in a dim, undefined way, but she kept at 1t until she worked 1t out One day after being told by her hired man that he had seen Bill Scott scouting about the smokehouse the evening previous she entered into a little conspiracy. The door was left unlocked, the hired man hidden near by, and next night as Bill was taking a ham off its roost the door was slam- med shut, and he, found himself a prisoner. When morning came the widow drove to town to see Mrs. Glenn, and upon her return she wis ited the house of hams and said to the captive:
 "Of course you have nothing to say, except that you were walking in your sleep last night, but now that you are wide awake have something to say to you. You like smoked ham. I am go- ing to give you all you want of it. Today you will eat ih, uncooked. To- morrow you shall have it fried"
 A chair and a jug of water were brought In, he was furnished with q knife and the door locked on him, and he proceeded to enjoy himself. He ate and he loafed and he slept. There were twenty smoked hams hanging above him and giving out their de- licious odor, and why should he weary his brain trying to solve national prob lens? He didn't Next morning the widow appeared and asked him how he would like his ham cooked for breakfast. He said he would take 1t fried, and he got it that way and a jug of fresh water with 1t. At noon he had 1t boiled, and at night 1t was fried again. The amount was not stinted. There was more ham than he had ever sat down to in his life The next day and the next it was the same On the morning of the fourth day, how ever, the prisoner said to his jailer:
 "Widder Glenn, if you don't mind I'll have taters and fried eggs for breakfast"
 "But I do mind," was her reply. Here are twenty smoked hams going to waste for the want of eating. You dote on ham. Pitch right in"
 "But my wife must be anxious about me, and want to be going home"
 "Your wife knows just where you are and is not at all worried. She hopes you win have your fill of ham,
 Bill had raw ham, boiled ham, baked and fried ham, and he should have reveled in the occasion. It is human nature to never be satisfied, and after the fifth day he demanded a radical change of diet. even if only to raw sausage. He had not tasted of the last two meals.
 "Oh, but you must go ahead with ham," replied the widow. "You have not quite finished one yet, and there are nineteen others waiting to be eat en. Your second appetite may come back to you any minute"
 "I'd like to live on old crusts of bread for a change, ma'am."
 "But couldn't think of 1t. You are ashamed of myself to offer you crusts.'
 At supper that night Bill begged for raw turpips- instead of smoked ham At breakfast next morning he offered to eat potato peelings. The widow was firm.
 "Mr Scott" she replied, T don't think you are at all grateful. I am furnishing you the incest and sweet est smoked ham in all Herkimer coun. ty, and yet you kick at it."
 But smoked ham for five days ma'am," he protested.
 'But Pm giving you the chance ot your lifetime. Think of being sur rounded with eighteen and a half hamsw
 Hams and water, ma'amw
 "Yes, but Pm giving you a chance tc get acquainted with water-to acquire taste for it.''
 Ham on the sixth day, the seventh and the eighth. The widow was bring ing more ham when Bill Scott broke down and said:
 "Tl sign the temperance pledge, ma'am, and if don't keep it this time may I be sent to prison for the re mainder of my days"
 And about peoples chickens ant garden stuff, MT. Scott?"
 May be struck dead if ever med dle with them againp'
 And work, MT. Scott-what about work?'
 "Pll work like a nigger. Only try me-"
 You have only been shut up eigh