davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Springfield herald., 1908-07-24
ITCHING HuMoR ON coy
His Hands Were Solid Mass, and
Disease Spread All Over Body
Cured in 4 Days BY Cuticura.

zone day We noticed that our little
boy was all broken out with itching
sores. We first noticed it on his little
hands. His hands were not as bad
then. and we didn't think anything
serious would result. But the next day
we heard of the Cuticura Remedies
being so good for itching sores. BY
this time the disease had spread all
over his body, and his hands were
nothing but solid mass of this itch
ing disease. l purchased n box of Cuu-
cura Soap and one box of Cuticura
Ointment and that night | took the
Cuticura Soap and lukewarm water
and washed him well. Then I dried
him and took the Cuticura Ointment
and anointed him with it. l did this
every evening and in four nights he
was entirely cured. Mrs. Frank Don
ahue, 20S Fremont St, Kokomo. Ind.
Sept 16, 1907
The Springfield herald., 1908-07-24
NTY \ q

and she has hinted that she could
have had you"
'Ha, if I'D married her she would
have had me-you can bet settin' of
eggs on that"
1t was the talk of the neighborhood
how you used to so to dances with
her"
Yes, 1t was the talk of the neigh
borhood whenever anybody went with
her at all. Cad. she had a tongue that
would pick out briar. And now she
is a reformer. an uplifter of downtrod
women. Well. she spent about two
thirds of her life tryin' to tread EN-
down | can recollect when every girl
in the neighborhcod was afraid Of her,
An old gypsy came along one time and
had some love powders for sale, and
Miss Patsy she bought some and man.
aged to give em to Zeb Collins. She
must have given him about half a
pound from the way he acted. Went
out and hung over the back fence
and called hogs for ten minutes. he
did. After awhile when he was silent
she looked out after him and ne was
ketchin' of his horse. We called him
Bakin'-Powder Zeb after that. But he
didn't rise"
Il don't believe she gave him the
powders"
NO. just loaned 'em to him. At any
rate, he got en- Ard now you trace
back some of the biggest of these
women reformers and you'll find love
powders in their lives somewhere.
There amt nothin' on the earth bright
er than bright woman-and there's
nobody the Lord ought TO shower His
favors down on more than her. No
matter how good a man is he can't
begin TO ke,ch up with her. She is
tenderness. love, truth. religion-all
in one But when she's pizenous-
look ont. That is the time for Satan
himself to dodge. And I'll bet every
time he sees old Miss Patsy comm
he takes to his flinty heels. When
mans disappointed with life he gen
orally tries to keep it to himself. But
with a woman-she not only wants 1t
to be known, but wants to make 9th
ers dissatisfied
Yes" said Mrs. Jucklin. ''for when
a mans a failure it's his own fault.
woman could never have helped her
self"
You've got me again and I'll have
to get out the best way | can. Yes,
the cause of failure lies with the one
that has failed. 1t was lack of
energy, lack of jedgment-a lack of
somethin'. A man must make circrm-
stances. but sometimes circumstances
I,,. =, 1,,,. oil
may be born free, but they amt born
equal. Neither minds nor constitutions
are on n par with one another in diff
ferent men. Man acknowledges this
and quietly knocks under. takin' hold
of the next best thing and doin' with
it what he can. I'm talkin' about
sensible man. But the woman-1of the
Miss Patsy stripe-she does her bes,
The Springfield herald., 1908-07-24
The Vital Point,

Judge Gillette was one of the most
dignified of old-fashioncd jurists. One
day he was holding court at county
seat in rather ut-of-the-main-road
county. when violent hubbub in the
hallway interrupted proceedings in the
courtroom After Quieting the dis
turbance, the sheriff returned to report
TO the Judge 1T was two men fight
ing" explained the official. Danny
Flanagan and Jake Jenkins. tough
characters about town. | have put
them under arrest" And he waited.
expecting that the magistrate would
order both offenders to be brought in
to his presence and committed for con-
tempt.
What was the sheriffs astonishment,
therefore, when the judge beckoned
him to the desk. and bending down.
said in confidential whisper:
(Which licked ?"-Illustrated Sun
day Magazine.
The Springfield herald., 1908-07-24
r .
Lit M


Old Lin Juckiin put aside his news
paper. arose. stood on the hearth. and
remarked to his wife, who sat in
rocking chair. half dreamily knitting;
They must hire folks by the year to
do nothin else but to write about
women"
They want to furnish the men
somethin' to read" his wife replied.
Furnish the men somethin' to skip
SOS to read somethin' else" said the
old man. Once in while | read EN-
though. and I've just read lot of
stuff that | know want written by
anybody, man or woman, that had
anything else to do-a whole column
and half tellin' how to raise chill
dren; and III bet steer it was writ
ten by an old maid
"Limuel, what are you talkin'
about?'
AN old maid, I said and one of
the sort that snatches up her skirts
and runs like a turkey hen whenever
she sees child comm toward her.
Oh. l know their brand"
Yes. l suppose So, said his wife.
But woman that raisin' children
hasn't got time to write. and one that
has them already raised is so tired
she don't feel like it."
"Oh. expected to get it. one way
or another replied the old man. 1T
was due and | deserved it. But it
does seem that the writer's on the sub
ject of women ought to stumble on
tn int hnpn
studyin' women-now, let me see.
Well, particularly ever since Sam
sons wife cut his hair off. and
he hasn't stumbled on anything new
yet I've given her good deal of my
time and I'm ready to make my ac-
acknowledgements. I've summed up my
account book. Two and two make
four anywhere else. But with woman
two and two sometimes make six.
You can't tell. Figgers don't lie, but
with her they are mighty accommo-
datin'. And, Lord bless her, she has
finally discovered that man is her
enemy The old maids have told her
so and she has begun to believe it.
Over here across the creek the other
day a party of em had meetin' and
ought to be ousted. Old Miss Patsy
Page. that has chased every chance to
get married that she could find
through spyglass a comm her way.
was the president. She called atten-
ton to the number of divorces
throughout the country, and she
sighed over all this waste of raw ma
terial. She read n paper, too, on how
to manage husband. Bet she'd like
to read a book on how to catch one"
''Limuel. she's good woman. She
sets up with the sick"
Yes. and when she does the well
folks catch it. She'd sour a mornin's
milk by lookin' the COW in the eye"
Well" replied the old lady. she
says that you used to come to see her,
The Springfield herald., 1908-07-24

to insure wit in your essay is to pick
1t where you find 1t, and ten chances
to one that will not be in your own
brain. Better the wit of others than
no wit at all-which might be prov
erb. but is not.
Shakespeare has well said: There
is nothing either good or bad, but
thinking makes it So" If this but
applied to your essay. o writer! what
an excellent thing 1t would be, But 1t
lies not within your gray matter to
compass 1t. Again, with the bard,
you say, 81 must become a borrower" a."
and you walk down the pleasant gar
dens. plucking here and there flow
err of fancy until your little essay
stuns the eye with color. Here's
richness!"
Nothing that you can say but has
been well said before; therefore quote
it, fusing 1t. If you will. with your poor
thought to crystalline it and make
it seem new thing.
Here are a few of the unpleasant'st
not use them, then. Make your essay
light, graceful, full of the whipped
cream of human kindness.
Silence is the perfectest herald of
JOY" says VIII again. but had he kept
silence. wnat joy the Anglo-Saxon
race had missed and how weak in
quotation had been thy essay. Has
not this same Shakespeare said,
Whats mine is yours Therefore
q. t,ty 1,
make light where darkness reigned."
who would write well must first
have loved There you are. 1t is
not nominated in the bond what you
must have loved; therefore it may as
well be books as any other thing
You have loved books, you have gath
cred of their honey; now let it drop
off your stylus and sweeten this essay
over which you labor.
\ sixteentl-contury writer says:
They lard their lean books with the
fat of others WORKS There you
have an old precedent, so fear not.
You are in good company. You do
but take what others have taken be.
fore. Quote you never so well, you
W. bHl ltIHpl', anu ~ mag " lldt
he + Jm whom You quote lifted his
thought from richer than he. II is
well said that "a dwarf. standing on
the shoulders OF giant. may see fur
ther than the giant himself" and If he
can see further it stands TO reason
that he can be seen further. Your
borrowed plumcs viii make You
marked man; that is. one who is
The Springfield herald., 1908-07-24
ONE ON THE DOCTOR.
St. Peters Query Decided Reflection
on Medical Attendant.

DR.. Arthur T. Holbrook told story
on his profession.
"a man by the name of Evans died"
he said. land went to heaven, of
course. When he arrived at the pearly
gates he said to St Peter:
"'Well, I'm here
st. Peter looked at him and asked
his name. John Evans, was the reply
st. Peter looked through his book,
and shook his head.
"'You don't belong here he said.
pointing to the exit.
But | am sure belong here, said
the man.
"'Wait minute said St Peter
He looked again and in the back
of the book found his name.
Sure said the guardian of the
gate. you belong here. But you was
MT expected for 20 years. Who's your
doctor?' milwaukee, Free Press.
The Springfield herald., 1908-07-24
The Usual Reason.

The Rev. Sydney Goodman-his
Mems church at Atlantic City, with it's
smoking congregations and its moving
pictures, has already brought out many
imitators-is noted for the brilliance
and originality of his sermons.
of his sermons.
Even in a begging sermon" said a
member of the Mems church, 'Mr.
Goodman can amuse. He began a re-
cent begging sermon in this manner:
"a deacon said to the minister's
wife:
Why is your husband always ask
ing for money, money, money!"
1.-The minister's wife sighed.
""I suppose it is because you
never give him any," she said"
The Springfield herald., 1908-07-24


comes on passage that he has him
SELF read in the original setting. his
vanity is tckled.
Tickle your readers vanity often
enough, and he is yours and will
sound your praises. "A nightingale
dies for shame if another bird sings
better" but you who are not nightin-
gale might die for shame if it were
not for the singing OF that large cho-
rus of English birds that make your
songs possible. Homer himself must
beg If he wants means" and if Homer
begs. who are you that says, TO beg
! am ashamed?" See only that YOU beg
at the right gates, and you shall en-
JOY borrowed richness that in the
minds of many passes for home
made garment of great value.
Some books are TO be tasted. 9TH
ers TO be swallowed" and others
quoted. Reading maketh full man."
not only that but "out of the fullness
of the heart the mouth speaketh."
and he who has read much and re-
membered much can write we'll
Discretion of speech is more than
eloQuence.' and the most discreet
man is the man who knows where to
borrow 10 advantage. There be those
who write original essays of which the
best that may be said is, 1T is his
own Better far the essay that gilt
ters and sparkles with thousand
gems filched from the worlds great
lapidaries.
''Brevity is the soul Of wit but it
does not follow that every postal card
contains an epigram. The safest way
The Springfield herald., 1908-07-24
Wheels.
He was a great inventor.

He was great inventor.
THE thing | am working at now"
he began, stroking his thin beard with
thinner hand, will be a boon to ev-
cry family and will startle the whole
world. In fact, it will put the alarm
clock trust out of business. The idea
is simply specially prepared tablets
that help you to get up in the morning.
For instance, if you want to arise at 3,
you take five tablets; if you want to
get up at 6, take six tablets. and so on.
But how will it affect the alarm
clock trust?'
why these tablets will cause ring
Ing in the ears at exactly the hour de-
sired"
But the little crowd could wait to
hear no more and hurriedly disbanded.
-Harper's Weekly
The Springfield herald., 1908-07-24
DROPPED COFFEE
Doctor Gains 20 Pounds on Postum

A physician of Wash, D. c., says of
his coffee experiences:
For years suffered with periodical
headaches which grew more frequent
until they became almost constant. So
severe were they that sometimes l was
almost frantic. l was sallow, consti-
pated, irritable, sleepless; my men,
ory was poor, l trembled and my
thoughts were often confused.
My wife, in her wisdom, believed
coffee was responsible for these ills
and urged me to drop it. | tried many
times to do so, but was its slave.
Finally Wife bought package of
Postum, and persuaded me to try it, but
she made it same as ordinary coffee
and l was disgusted with the taste.
Il make this emphatic because | fear
many others have had the same eXpe-
rience) She was distressed at her
failure and we carefully read the di-
rections, made it right, boiled it full
Is minutes after boiling commenced.
and with good cream and sugar. l
liked tit invigorated and seemed to
nourish me.
This was about year ago. Now |
have no headaches, am not sallow.
sleeplessness and irritability are gone,
my brain clear and my head steady.
l have gained 20 lbs. and feel | am a
new man.
Il do not hesitate to give Postum
due credit. OF course dropping coffee
was the main thing but had dropped
it before, using chocolate, cocoa and
other things to no purpose.
Postum not only seemed to act as
an invigorant. but as an article of
nourishment, giving me the needed
phosphates and albumens. This is no
imaginary tale. 1t can be substanti-
ated by my wife and her sister, who
both changed to Postum and are
hearty women of about TO-
Il write this for the information and
encouragement Of others, and with a
feeling of gratitude to the inventor of
Postum
Name given by Postum Co. Battle
Creek, Mich. Read THE Road to Well
VILE" in pkgs. There's Reason
Ever read the above letter7 new
one appears from time to time. They
are genuine, true, and full of human
interest.
The Springfield herald., 1908-07-24
The Candy Girl.

He was one of those sentimental
chaps who imagine the only way to
capture a girls heart is to send her
volumes of poetry. Selecting a book
of seasonable verse he sent 1t to his
lady fair with the following scribbled
on the fly-leat:
Dearest, as I seek your heart.
A book of verse do impart!"
And the pretty but sensible girl
who did not care a rap If Shakespeare
had been a pirate instead OF poet.
returned the verses with the following
lines:
'''ro the woods with this sludge.
II my heart you'd really bulge,
ScMd me up a pound OF fmhGe."
The Springfield herald., 1908-07-24
Where the urchin Scored.

The busy man stopped before an
Office building and leaped from his
carriage. AT the same moment an
ambitious urchin ran forward and
piped: Hey, mister, kin ! hold yer
horse?" NO, you can't" snapped
the busy man. Won't charge y
much," insisted the urchiu. II don't
care about the charge" impatiently
responded the man. throwing blan.
ket over his bony steed. "My horse
will not run away" Gee, mister, ]
didn't think he'd run away" MOP"
NO, l thought he might fall down"
The Springfield herald., 1908-07-24
Something Stronger.

Pat: Sir? Ye nivver heard o. TIL
big wind in Ireland? Besobbs, mon. y'r
wan in tin thousand! Thot wind blew
ivveryting lengthways, sideways-hic
-idseways, shortways; sure-hic-it
was TIL strongest thing as ivver blew
against a mon!"
The Listener: There is something
stronger, Pat"
Pat: Tell me what, now! Phat is
stronger?"
The Listener: your BREATH"
The Springfield herald., 1908-07-24
Makino II Sure.

The lawyer was drawing up En-
peck's will.
Il hereby bequeaih all my property
to my wife" dictated Enpeck. Got
that down."
Yes" answered the attorney.
"On condition. continued Enpeck,
that she marries within a year"
But why that condition." asked the
man of law.
Because" answered the meek and
lowly testator. Il want somebody to
be sorry that died. See?'
The Springfield herald., 1908-07-24
Knew Him.

William said the head OF the
firm, looking at his watch, II have
business out of town this afternoon
and may be detained several hours.
If anybody should call"
"Ther amt no ball game to-day, Mr..
Spotcash." interrupted the Office boy.
Il said nothing about ball games,
William. rejoined his employer. eying
him sternly. However, my business
is such that it can wait until some
other day. That will be all Just now,
William"
The Springfield herald., 1908-07-24
Neglected Abbotsford.

The mansion-house of AbbCtsford,
world-famous as the home of Sir Wal
ter Scott is in want of a tenant. The
famous library and collection of an
tquities are held in trust by the dean
of the faculty of advocates. Edinburgh.
on condition that the heirs of the
builder of Abbotslord find accommoda'
tions for them in five out of the 10
rooms in the house.
The Springfield herald., 1908-07-24
Safe Rule for Mothers.

An educator said Let us live with
our children and if you provide them
with innocent surroundings and music.
books and sports to use as they choose
they will be as happy as larls and alb,
sorb the good influences of their en-.
yironmcnt.
The Springfield herald., 1908-07-24
Her Looks Sufficient.

Mr. Buggins (whoss better hall Is not
renowned for her beauty)-Ive Just
bought a hundred dollar bulldog for
my wife to take along for her protec-
tion when she goes out walking.
Mr.. Blunt-Huh. Why not let her go
without veil and save all that ex-
penSe?
The Springfield herald., 1908-07-24

D you intend to
become an essay
ist, gentle writer?
Then learn the art
OF apt and Apo
s 1 I e quotation.
Quotations are
not more desir-
able to a stock
broker than they
should be to you.
Cultivate Bartlett.
To plant in the
Dare SanuS OF an
arid imagination
the b orro W e d
flowers of the
successful garden
ers of literature
is to prepare a
parte erre that
shall please even
the critical. For
when a man not
II 4
The Springfield herald., 1908-07-24

no cure for me, and was given up
to die. Being urged. used Doan's
Kidney Pills. Soon l was better, and
In few weeks was about the house,
well and strong again"
Sold by all dealers. SO cents a box.
Foster-Milburn Co.. Buffalo. N. Y.
The Springfield herald., 1908-07-24
Opportunities.

The things that might have been" are
naught
But shadows OF the past so gray.
Let's talk about the fish we caught,
Instead of those that got away.
Washington Star.
The Springfield herald., 1908-07-24
A Few Years Hence.

Mrs. Khickerbocker (boastfully)-
My ancestors came over on the May
flower
Mrs. Var Scadds tpityinely)-Too
bad. so slow and such wretched accom-.
modations, too! Now, mine waited ard
came over on the Lristania-first cabin
at that
The Springfield herald., 1908-07-24
FAcTS FOR SICK WoMEN,

For thirty years Lydia E. Pink
hams Vegetable Compound, made
from roots and herbs, has been the
standard remedy for female ills,
and has positively cured thousands of
women who have been troubled with
displacements, inflammation, ulcera-
ton, fibroid tumors, irregularities,
periodic pains, backache, that bear
ing-down feeling, tlatulency, indiges-
tion, dizziness, ,ornervousp prostration.
Why don't you try it
Mrs. PinkFam invites all sick
women to " lite her for advice.
She has guided thousands to
health. Address, Lynn, Mass.
The Springfield herald., 1908-07-24

For years l was
weak and run down,
could not sleep, my
limbs swelled and
the secretions were
troublesome; pains
were intense. / was
fast In bed for four
months. Three doc
tors said there was
The Springfield herald., 1908-07-24
Only Natural.

did you ever go up in a balloon?"
asked Mayne.
Yes. accidentally" replied Spryng.
IL happened to be in the basket when
The ropes were cut, and l didn't have
time to jump out"
II suppose you were angry?"
Yes, 1t did make me soar"
The Springfield herald., 1908-07-24
Harriana tn Match

Il heard Miss Gadabout wondering
the other day what sort of an electric
she should get"
II would advise her, II she wants
something fitting. to buy runabout."
Baltimore American.
The Springfield herald., 1908-07-24

Mrs. wlnslow's Soothing Syrup.
For children teethinx softens the gums reduces In
namn2 allays pain, wind collie. CSC bottle
The Springfield herald., 1908-07-24

Don't forget that thing isn't done
because you intend to do it.
The Springfield herald., 1908-07-24

Feet Ache-Use Aliens Foot-Ease
Over 90 monials Refuse limitations. Send for
free trial package. A. $. Olms sted Lo Roy, n. Y.
The Springfield herald., 1908-07-24
eED-souND FOR MONTHS.
Hope Abandoned After Physicians
Consultation.

Mrs. Enos Shearer. Yew and Wash
ington SITS, Centralla Wash. says:
The Springfield herald., 1908-07-24
Matrimonial Repse.es.

He-Why, oh. why was ever foolish
enough TO marry?
She-Don't ask me! I gave up that
same conundrum long ago
The Springfield herald., 1908-07-24

Sufficient unto the day are the "a
hours thereof.
The Springfield herald., 1908-07-24
The Second.

The Second.
who was the first man, Willie?"
Adam"
who was the second?"
"The second-did they have prize
tight?"
The Springfield herald., 1908-07-24

Old Lin Jucklin put aside his news
paper. arose. stood on the hearth. and
remarked to his wife, who sat in
rocking chair half dreamily knitting:
They must hire folks by the year to
do nothin' else but to write about
The daily tribune., 1908-11-23

A. E Rudolph appeared this morn
ing before Justice Of the Peace Frank
Nj. Hermond and entered plea of
guilty to three charges Of giving
checks without having funds in the
bank, He WAS held for court under
$500 bond. The charges in each OF
the three cases WAS made by Pete
Froney the warrants being sworn out
at the district attorneys Office on Oc-
tober g. Since that time Rudolph
has been out Of the city. 1t has been
the expectation Of the police since
the entering of the charges that the
gases would be settled out Of count. as
Rudolph ia we'll connected.
One Of the checks was made out by
Rudolph on September "a. to the or.
der of Froney, for $25. a check of one
OF the local banks being used and
scratched, the check being drawn Oh
the Fremont County National bank.
of Canon City. Another check, for
$40 made out to the order Of r. Marc
WAS written on September 20 and q
check for $40, made out by Rudolph
In favor of himself, and endorsed
was made on September 81. being
given to Froney
1t has been stated on behalf Of
Rudolph that he came here from
Canon City late in September and wal
drinking to some extent, the chech
being made out during this time.
For long time after the charge,
against Rudolph we're made, the
whereab bouts of the man could not be
learned. Deputy Sheriff Fahrizic
made careful search of the Fremon,
county coal camps but to no avail.
One day while the officer was In Den
YER attending the Democratic nation
al convention. he saw q man on the
streets, who reminded him of Ru
dolph. Pueblo Star Journal.
The daily tribune., 1908-11-23
REACHING THE SPOT.
II Can be Done SO Several Flor
ence Citizens Say.

To cure an aching back,
The pains of rheumatism,
The tired out feelings,
You must reach the spot get at
the cause.
In most cases 'tis the kidneys.
Doan's Kidney Pills are for the
kidneys.
Charles Clelland. living at BOG
Washington street. Florence, Colo I.
says Last fall 1 began to hay Q
trouble from rheumatism in the mus
cles Of my arms. When l would a
rise in the morning my arms felt sore
and stiff and panied me severely
when attempted to liN them.
read about Doan's Kidney Pills. got
box at Daniels drug store and be-
gan taking them. They went right
to the root Of the trourle and gave me
prompt relief also improving my
health. can surely vouch for the
merits Of Doan's Kidney Pills, a
from my experience I know that they
act as represented.
For sale by all dealers. Price 80
cents. Foster -Milburn Co Buffalo
New York, sole agents for the United
States.
Remember the name-Doan sand
. take no other. m W +