davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-12

man who hires him were gathered. the
man with the ambition wendell his weary
way.
The official was seated in calm state
delivering an eloquent address on the
beauties of lemonade 10 an apprecia;iNe
audience, when from without tho door
came a booming voice. inquiring whether
Mr.. was around
The official looked up or hearing his
name called and inquired who desired the
pleasure OF his company and converse
ton.
In walked the man with the ambition
to mix them for Washington's citizens.
his genial face aglow with sunburn and
perspiration.
"O'm lukin' for man by the name of
Misther =" reiterated the man with
the ambition, ARE you him.
Il am he" replied the official, impress
sively and dramatically
"Oi'm the bahr-thinder thots lukin fer
letter of testimonial" announced the
man from the Emerald Isle.
Somebody snickered.
The official let out noise like the snort
of a wounded walrus.
My man" he protested. L
'.Yis | know" remarked the Of
Erin. but yeZ see they told me thot II
OF could git thot litter Of recomminda-
shun from We. OF could git a job at any
place in town"
The official-the official who never
drinks-gazed at the apoplectic faces o.
his dear friends, and at the look of mild.
sad "how could you do it, reproach on the
face of the man who hires him, and lie
turned toward the fatuously happy
searcher for a position as dispenser OF
drinkables.
Come with me. my man: come with
me- he said, in slightly choked voice.
taking the seeker after a position by the
arm
Together they walked away to little
office, where the official. full beyond ut
terance with emotion. sat down and wrote
the letter. And since that time he has
been debating whether he would do best
to kill the searcher for position or the
man who got him to write the letter, or
both
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-12

there were some hundreds of them-Stroled
around the superb garden. uuaffing punch
no antique F'alernian being just handy
from silver gOblets of the kind that Do
mitian and Titus and that raffiSh lot of
emperor folk used to quaff from back yon-
der when the world was O so gay and
anG-er-red. 1t didn't take even little
bit of imagination to fancy that you were
having a very dickens of a time with
Nero and Petronius and that nifty gang
of roysterers; all but the cigarettes,
which most of the women and all of the
men smoked unintermittently as they
strolled around the garden. The really
and-truly Romans had to dub along the
best they could without cigarettes, which.
when you come to think of it. wasn't any
bad thing for if they'd been cigarette
smokers in addition to all the other things
they knew the orful diSsypated creatures,
why, they certainly would have killed
themselves by the nicotine route long ago,
now, wouldn't they?
The real proceedings began when Ger
trude Hoffman, sped along with her bevy
of attending broilers. Gertie has not, [
believe, been seen in Washington as yet.
Anyhow she hasn't been seen in her Sa-
lone dance in Washington. and, take it
from the undersigned. Alcwyn, Gertie will
not be seen in Washington in her Salome
dance or anything like it. because-well,
just because. But she's a very lovely
woman in appearance. with a tall. svelte
sinuousness that yet suggests no angu-
laFNS, WITH ndTNelOuSly CIlSclcu
dimpled arms that might have aroused the
artistic admiration of Phidias, whoever
he was.
First, Gertrude did her Spring Song"
dance, with the Mendelssohn music. and
with her eight broilers gyrating and ca
vorting In unison with her. Looked
mighty en- reggie and au fait and faux pas
and all like that. folks. the Spring Song
dance in the real outdoor Roman garden
did Nor, as "A simple matter of fact. Is
this saying that it isn't mighty beauti-
full dance. Miss Hoffman, was attired for
the Spring Song" dance in about cents
worth of pinky -winky mosquito netting
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-12

that'll render you touch-proof.
The hurry TOUGHER is the comnnonest
variety-commOnest in couple of senses
of the TOUGHER species in Washington. He
approaches you in a well simulated
breathless and painting state.
Say, look a-here, old shipmate,' he
says to you. hopping his forehead, Il
just happened to think that this is the
last day of grace for paying the gas bill,
and | left all of my kale at home in the
other suit. Only zephyred downtown with
lunch change and car fare. Slip me V
till tomorrow morning, will you? Hate like
biazes to stick you up for it. but you
know how a Teller hates to come across
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-12

1t was one of those eaSy-going jobs
that gets you to counting the duff before
you actually do the work.
Elderly woman and her maid took a
suite of rooms at the high-grade hotel.
First time the elderly woman came down
to dinner | got fash at her rocks and 7
picked her out and set to work on the
job.
II put in about five days study
ing the kinks and movements of
the elderly woman and her maid
First thing / wanted to know, of course,
was who carried the gig-lamps. They
were never deposited in the hotel safe
] got wise TO that in two days watching.
The elderly woman didn't pack 'em
around with her. ! watched her at her
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-12

truder with a letter to present 1 sang
back, and only about ten minutes in
which to do it.
BE down directly came back the
voice that sounded astonishngly like that
of young man. and in about minute
clean. chipperish. smooth-faced man, not
above thirty. threw open the door before
which / stood. He had gorgeous kmono
thrown around him and he looked pleas
ant and gave me an athletes grip.
is your father up yet? / asked him
after an exchange of greetings
If you mean that he is. in his heaven
1y home said the young man in the or
nate kimono. his eyes twinkling, L think
there's not a doubt of it. My old dad was
surely a sanity man.. but l noticed that
he looked at me curiously. if not eX-
actly understanding how to take me-
Il handed him the letter-it was from
some cousins of his in this country-anf
he opened and read 1t. | saw then with
establishment that he was the missionary
himself. when / had been mentally pic
turing him man of the old. patriarchal
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-12
SALOME CRAZY AND DOESN'T CARE WHO KNOWS

such you begin to buy on 18th street
down there along in the month of Au-
gust, and if she didn't resemble some
body just stepped out of painting by
Bougereau. then the present chronicler is
not asking for a plaster. Gertrude's at
tending Cythereas. eight of 'em-count
'em. eight-and all young girls around the
age of sixteen, say, were arrayed with an
elaborateness of mosquito netting just
like their principal and the cool green
sward certainly must have felt nice and
cool and Kneipp-like to their tootsies.
And. oh. they daWnced and daWnced and
crcled around TO the hum Of harps and
the means of lutes and flutes and things.
and the guests at the party quaffed some
more from the Falernian jars-and U.S..
from the near precincts of the Potomac
getting more and more Mortified every
minute at the Romanesqueness of such
perceedin'S.
Then after an intermission, Gertrude
uncoiled the Salome squirm before the
throne of the Herod-diked host, and with
the guests purity closely grouped around
SOS not to miss any of the virtuosity of
the dance. l had seen Gertrude do the
dance at Hammerstein'S three or four or
nine fifteen or tWenty-six times or
something like that, but she never did it
SO Salomeishly as she did 1t that night
with the investiture of an honest-Injun
Roman garden. She dawnced around the
Observation-Disclosures head of ST. John on
the emerald sward and Mister Herod-host
on the appraised throne looked tickled to
death and stamped his golden sandals
with approval and clapped his Roman
bejeweled hands. and the guests all drew
closer and closer, and-and-
oh. well, it was some Salome party
folks. honest it was. and If Nero was CIV
ing parties like that before he went up
against his poniard finish why it's no Won
der the hOrrid men of his suite permitted
him to stick around as long as he did, for.
being the kind of thing they liked, 1t must
really have been just about the kind of
thing they liked.
And now here are lot of critical peo-
pie coming out and saying that that party
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-12

He opened a little cupboard in corner
of the room and took from it nearly
full bottle of a renowned old brand OF
American Bourbon. He placed a glass
before me and brought jug of water.
A little for the stomacf's sake. as st.
Paul says said the splendid young fell
low, smilingly, and | pushed the glass
toward him. No. he said, its a little
early for me-: but [ could see all the same
that he didn't use ii at all, but just kept
il on hand for emergencies.
Perhaps i didn't feel that one out at
the tips of my fingers about half minute
after taking it,
Now, another one to ward off the
harbor miasma said the young mission
AIRY a few minutes later on, filling his
glass of water and climbing il against
mine.
1T went just as smooth as the first one,
and | shook hands with him and made
my necessarily hurried departure.
I've never allowed anybody to say a
derogatory word before me about foreign
missions since that hour
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-12
WITH THE THIRST AND THE MISSIONARIES WHISKY

country a good many letters had been
pressed upon me to present to American
relatives and friends living in the far
east. Among these was letter to 4
missionary stationed at Kobe.
When, on the night before the little
steamer was due in Kobe. l learned that
she would get there at o'clock in
the morning. and that, owing to her~be-
ing behind hand in her schedule she would
only stay in Kobe harbor for an hour or
so, l wasn't elated over the prospect at
tending my presentation of the letter to
the missionary. But I resolved to pre-
sent the letter. all the same. in spite of
all Inconvenience. A fellow hates to
come back to his home country and face
folks without having performed these lit
tie missions.
Il didn't get through playing my end of
the leetle two-yen ante game of draw
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-12
g GG== HEARD=AND= SEEN At THE Capital. DO

Center market. He disappeared inside
and few minutes later issued forth
clutching TO his bosom a great big paper
bag, chock full and bumpy.
Where are you going. Allan, and what
are you going to do?" some new spaper
colleague asked him as he sped up the
row.
Allan smiled a beatiic smile closed mis-
eyes in ecstasy moment. kissed the eX-
terror of the paper bag lovingly and re-
piled. as he gave it a couple of hugs:
why. after work this evening I'm
going to hurry home and have raw
onion debauch.'
Oh, you naughty Allan,
IRVING C. NORWOOD.
THERE comes over a certain official
in this city feeling of sadness that
his soul cannot resist when he con-
siders the misfortune attending him who
seeks to aid his brother man.
Last week an individual from Ireland
verdant as the grass of his Emerald Isle
drifted into Washington and besought aid
of friends that he might land position
lightly tossing mixtures across the festive
bar.
He met friend, also Irish, and to this
friend he confessed his ambition to be-
come first-class mixologist in the CAPT
tai of the nation. The friend remembered
the official, who is a proper prohibitionist,
and called him up over the phone.
I've a friend just arrived from Ire
land, said he. and l want you as a
personal favor to write him a neat little
letter explaining that you regard him as
an ideal concoctor of mixed bug juice.
Take it from me he is. He mixed me a
cocktail once that floated me for a week.
l know what I'm talking about
So the dear, kind official who never
drinks-never, never drinks. mind you
agreed to write for the ardent miXologist
letter of effusveness that would touch
the heart of any barkeep in town.
Toward a business office, where the Of
fetal and numerous co-workers and the
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-12

iearn to accept the inevitable
General Apathy, who for years has
rendered distinguished service on the
stan OF that equally hardened old cam
pa1gner, General Probability, invariably
becomes prominent at this political sea :
son He is the first to take the field
after the presidential candidates-re-
publican. democratic. prohibition social
ISL Independent and all the rest-have
peen notified and the last to retire be-
nina the whitewashed fence of peace
after the campaign has been fought to
conclusion and the battle of the bal
lots is at an end. Dear General Apathy
Just pick up the papers-any papers,
All papers. news. political. trade, vel
low pink and green: dailies. weeklies.
bl-weeklies and monthlies-and what
DO you see? General Apathy among the
farmers! General Apathy among the
laborers. General Apathy among the
politicians. General Apathy among all
the voters. Verify, never was there
such worker as General Apathy.
This is the time of the year-the can
dldates all having been notified and the
campaign feebly opened-that the lead
ing lights among the political scribes of
the press. gathered in New York at
party headquarters, where the war
chests are kept under guard and where
Hitchcock and the other high browS sit
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-12

with the bunch of newspaper correspond
ents who were returning from the Boxer
war until about o'clock in the morning.
The game. by the way, had been in
progress for four days, and it wasn't any
dry game. either.
when l turned in for my two hour nap
/ told the steward to call me as soon as
the steamer dropped her mudhOok in Kobe
harbor. The steward banged on my door,
as l lima gined. about six minutes after I'd
toppled into my bunk with my clothes on
and gone to sleep; but it was really after
4 o'clock and the steamer was at anchor
in the harbor of Kobe.
Il guess. maybe, when I sat up on the
edge of my bunk my tongue didn't feel
like a wooden bell clapper. I poked my
head into basin of cold water, but that
didn't cool the internal fires by hull
hOuSeful. l thought that when / finished
tidying myself I'd dig up the steward and
get wee one from him to stave off the
harbor chill of the early morning.
But | found that the steward had al
ready gone ashore to help lay in fresh pro-
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-12

visions. The steward had the keys to all
the wet goods lockers. There was nothing
for it for me but to go ashore and see
the missionary and look pleasant, even
with that volcano in full eruption inside
of me.
$50 1 hailed a sampan and put off for
the beach. the skipper warning me not to
stay longer than an hour at the outside.
On the way to the shore l understood why
shpwrecked and thirst-maddened sailors
sometimes were known to greedily gulp
salt water. L had one of those thirsts my
self plus.
Il hoped into 'riksha on the dock and
told the 'riksha boy to canter me at top
speed to the missionarys residence He
got there in something less than ten min
utes 1t was just about the hour of dawn
and everything in the neighborhood of
the mssionarys house was deadly quiet.
But l banged on his door and presently
voice overhead-rather a youthful-sound
ing voice, it struck me-inquired:
well. what's the trouble?'
No trouble-merely an American in
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-12

press gallery expect to labor throughout
the summer in Washington. and to live
with and eat tariff schedules and diner
entails
Is the prospect swell one. and wasn't
Mr. McCumber letting himself and every
body else down easily?
Xxx
is it possible-can it be possible-that
Washington has a bad name in the
south with respect to its treatment of
dogs? OF course in the south there are
according to perfectly unreliable statis-
tics-fourteen hound dogs to every square
foot of territory. and if they all were
Notwithstanding to the same statis-
tics-'twould take the leather and hide
output of the entire middle west for three
years.
But to the point The man who writes
Little Stories of the Bail Players" that
appear in The Sunday Star and that are
read by some 'Steen millions of people.
was down in the freight yards of the
Union station just the other day and
passed a baggage car in which was a box
with Slated front containing two hand
some collie dogs. the kind one sees in
Landseer's. paintings. The box was ad
dressed to New York and had been ship
ped from North Carolina point. Tackled
on the front of the box was a placard
containing a crudely printed sign which
read:
When we're in Washington please give
us drink of water. We won't bite you.
I wonder if that was sur on the town?
But however it was intended, the sugges-
ton was most efiicacious. Hardly man.
woman or child passed that crate and
saw the sign without stopping to peer in
and note if the tin pan in one corner had
plenty of water in it.
X
A well known local newspaper man
excuse me, l should say "litterateur'
whose name l won't mention. left the
Union station the other day after sending
his family away for visit to their folks
and Immediately made tracks for the
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-12

and think-to tell newspaper readers all
about it. There isn't much news. little
Is happening, things are real dull. But
are the scribes stumped? Never! Not so
long General Apathy is in uniform.
Why, just the other day Jack Messen-
ger, whose real name is y. o. M, and
who-if 1 do Assay it as shouldnt-1s
the best political reporter that ever fed
the G. o. z. lighted cigar. found him
self up against it for a bunch of news
and fell back on the old reliable.
General Apathy prevails" said he-or
words to that effect-and then branched
out from that. When he'd reached the
point of signing his name to that dispatch
pancake. And yet the old campaigner is
so recuperative that the next day. in case
Jack should have been up against it
twice in succession-which heaven forbid
he'd have been found right at the old
stand. willing and smiling and ready for
the worst.
From now until election day in Novem-
ber-I haven't a copy of the Constitu-
tion of the United States handy and have
forgotten the exact date-the general will
be the busiest thing in these parts. After
the vote has been counted he will re-
move his uniform. lay it away in moth
balls and black pepper. slip into his
nightie and sleep sweetly-save for an &C.
casional brief appearance in state or
municipal mpaign-until the next
great national fight. four years ahead.
x x
NNCE upon time / worked under a
~ newspaper man who was great on
detail. He didn't care a hang about the
frills and furbelows of language He
wanted facts-big facts, middle sized
facts. little facts, minute facts, atom
esque facts, all the Iacts. The logical
result was that half the time the paper,
or that part of it over winch he presided,
read like the professional page of the
engineering review or an extract from
the patent office specifications for the
Westinghouse air brake
But he was commemorative and thor
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-12

me to cheerfully chip in. according to my
means toward the support of foreign
missions ever since. The drink fitted my
way in Kobe, Japan.
AT that time | was running in and out
of the Japan ports on a Japanese steam
err on a business trip. Before leaving this
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-12

company for seven and nine years. re-
spectively-slipped from the front plat
form of the vehicle. where he was stand
ing smoking a clay pipe with a short
reed stem. and in the presence of a num-
Der of people, including Sarah Smith of
1161 Il street northwest and HeZekiah
Thorne of 30 West Capitol street. who
were on their way to work in the Treas
ury Department, where they have been
employed for several years. was ground
to death beneath its wheels
Say" said the youngster with aspfra-
tons. approaching me next morning with
copy of the paper containing the emas-
culated version of his story SAY. the peo-
pie around here don't know good stuff
when they see it. You see this story?
Look at it. It's as dry as bone! But
! didn't write it that way. l opened up
with Shrek of fear and closed with a
ground to death and put all the facts in
between. That made bright story out
of it, but somebody cut out the shrek and
the other brightness They won't stand
for that around here"
And / hadn't the heart to tell him that
a Shrek. of fear and ground TO
DEATH separated by four miles and a
half of atomesque facts. dumb and drear.
do not. by any means, make entertaining
newspaper literature.
Anyhow II | had knocked that story
he'd have thought twas professional
jealousy.
Amt it the truth?
THAT optimistic soul. Senator McCum-
1 Der. predicts that the extra session
of Congress will last until late in the
spring.
Now I wonder why he said that? Is he
trying to deceive himself? Hardly one of
the leaders on either side of the Capitol
but will admit, in the sincerest gloom.
that the session may last not until late
spring, but until late fall The tariff
hasn't been really revised since Moses was
a rag baby. and in view of the fact that
probably the revising will he done by its
friends-which is more of delicate opera
tion-the job is going to be sure enough
problem. Well informed members of the
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-12

HEY were talking
about the satisfy
INCEST DIR i n X s
they ever gulped,
and the man who
sells T a | lro a d
bridges and tres
ties and things i'm
China and such
places was there.
Il had a drink
once said he.
that has caused
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-12

IL retired hote;
sneak was in a
reminiscent hui
NOR.
"One time he
said, Il slammed
into a game tina.
had a woman
mixed up with il.
Happened in a
hotel in Chicago
when the world S
fair was on there.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-12
SEVEN DIFFERENT VARIETIES OF THE VOUCHERS

lose different va
rietieS of touch
erS - you're ac-
quainted wi t n
them. too. OF
course you are.
Nobody is i'm
mune from them.
y o b ody escapes
them. You can't
vaccinate against
them, and there
isn't anE serum
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-12

- Il ~ u - II ~ ~,
W II o in I h e
eighteenth ce n
fury wrcte learn
eddy and pageant
cally about the de-
cline and fall Of
the Roman empire
and things. ought
10 he alive now
in- New York, he
really had. Be
cause If he were
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-12

BSERVANT read
ers of the public
prints doubtless
have observed of
late eXtraordina-
rily frequent repe-
tition of the name
of General Apathy.
l say this by way
of comment. and
not of criticism.
To be truly philo-
ionl ora ,.k
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-12

Special Correspondence of The Star
NEW YORK, September IL, 1905
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1908-07-09
WHERE DO THE OLD PIANOS Go9
That Is, When They Get So Old You
Can't Give Them Away.

What becomes of all the old
pianos? Any piano dealer will take
your old piano when you want new
one and will allow substantial
credit on 1t even If II is OF another
make From time to time the deal
ers announce sales Of used pianos.
All dealers have large stocks Of them
on hand constantly. One piano
firm has on exhibition an old fash
toned square piano which was made
al least half century ago. The
piano bears q placard to the effect
that any one who will Pay the cart
axe may have 1t for the asking. No
one has accepted the offer. Suppose
ro one ever takes that piano off the
hands of the dealers who want to
get rid of It. What will the deal
ers do with It? Obviously with
rents as high as they are 1t wouldn't
pay to store piano you can't give
away. So the question remains:
What, in the last stage OF undes,rs-
b'ity, becomes OF all the old piaoosI
IN Y. Sun.