The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1908-03-29

You wanter have your wheel works
looked into" said the House Detective.
Or else that there gummy mass which
you call an intelleck amt sparkin'
proper. April Fools day won't be
here until next Wednesday,
There you co. said the Hotel Clerk.
You're one of those fog-headed par
ties that always believes everything
they see in a calendar or dream
book. April FOOLS day occurred for
the first time this year more than
month ago, and it's been occurring
every day since then with The most
charming regularity"
IAN 1 got to say is I didn't hear
nothin' about it," put in the p Izzleo
House Detective.
mo. but President Roosevelt did,
and so likewise did Secretary Taft,
sometimes called William the Plump,
and sometimes called his Masters
Voice. And so, 1 might add, did ex-
Assistant Postmaster General Hitch
cock and others too numerous to men
ton" said the Hotel Clerk. 81 guess
il was the earliest spring the White
House and environs ever knew"
You've still got me guessin'," said
the House Detective. I'm three miles
from shore, with cramps in botn legs
and the iife-savin crew gone up To
the last hotel on the beach for not
tOddy. Be a good Teller and tell ne
what in thunder you're drivelin' about
with your April Fool days comm a
month ahead of time and your eX-
Hitchcocks and all that truck
We'll, 1 guess maybe l am little
bit too subtle fol common people who
only think on one side at a time SOS
10 give the other lobe a rest" said
the Hotel Clerk. up in the higher
attitudes of the human mind, where 1
do my thinking, your brain would be
painting like q bird dog in August.
What / mean TO say. only l put it in
a def and graceful way such as
would appeal to a Browning club nr
an Ibsen matinee, was that pur pres
ident and his immediate home circle
of risinng or rose statesmen have been
getting several abrupt and totally un-
expected jOlts here of late"
Where bouts did all this come OFF,
inquired the House Detective.
Mainly in the SOUTH" said the Ho-
tel Clerk Down in the sunny and
formerly languid Southland Larry,
there have been carvings on. I might
even go further and say there have
been cuttings-up. Yes. sir, the South
ern Republicans who could be counted
on to catch and cherish the faintest
whisper emanating from the admins
tration end of Pennsylvania avenue D.
g, who heretofore had chills every
time the Great White Father had fe-
Yer. have been behaving lately in a
way that you'd think there wasn't
such a thing-in the world as Federal
patronage. And vet six months ago
they didn't think there was ANYTHING
else. When it came to being docile
they had guinea pigs looking like un-
broken livestock. Put those were the
halyCCn days when the Welycon rang
as il We're At this writing, l reeret
10 say that Faithful Fido is no longer
engaged in sitting in the lower left
hand corner OF the picture harkening
to what comes out of the cylinder He's
trying to bite the works out of the
phonoSraph and growing in a SCANDAL
Gus and unprecedented manner.
You see. Larry, twas like this. The
President himself passed cut the word:
Under no circumstances will | be !
candidate he said 70 his party. OF
course, now. if the National C'onven-
ton should tie me hand and foot and
pour the denomination down my help
less throat in liquid or semi-Idu.id
form, that would be another matter.
and probably viii, from what | hear
But l repeat, I am not candidate
would therefore request all friends
and weli-wishers to club right in and
nominate my large and efficient Sec
rotary OF War, William II. Taft of
Ohio. Carping critics may tell you that
Bill has so many extra chins that he
has 10 wear a vest cut low at the ton.
they may even tell you that when he
goes into the box @nl says IS Broad.
it's a question whether he's asking for
telephone number OF giving mis- own
measurement across the back But be
this adipOSe tissue as it may. I'm here
10 tell you that many a noble heart,
or at least one. may beat beneath a
seVenty-twO-inch waistband Besides
Bits the only person 1 know of that's
qualified to carry on my policies. He's
of a hardy nature, and he'll ask no
questions All / have to do is To hand
him one and say Bill. here's q policy.
now carry it on and, gentlemen, he'll
carry il on till twinkling twilight
fades TO dewy eve. or words to that
effect. That's the kind of a man Bill
IS Ia trust him anywhere, and /
have trusted him twice around the
world by himself, although as to that
he makes up quite a large party when
he's alone, and I feel that I need say
no more. Therefore. thanking YOU in
advance. you remain, as ever Mine
Truly. T. Roosevelt
You'd although, Larry, that that
would be all there was to ii, but it
wasn't. For the first time in a long
anu uhpioAeh career OF holding Jobs
and obeying orders as they came. or
even before they came, the Repubn-
can leaders down south heard the crack
of the whip without instantly leaning
through the little hooD. Here and
there d former rough rider came out
of the custom house or the pOstoffice,
depending on which branch of the serv-
ice he was adjoining. and began 20 ut
ter loud cries of unbridled enthusiasm,
but. generally speaking, there seemed
TO be apathy. In fact, there seemed 10
be quite large and severe apathy.
so il was deemed best TO tempOrari-
" divorce Mr.. Hitchcock from his roll
er top desk, and send him down into
the Cinnamon Seed and Sandy Bottom
localities to infuse a few impetusses
into the situation. At Washington Mr.
Hitchcock was regarded as probably