davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-06-13

sake not to let me catch you exchanging
so much as a word with her, for IL you
are so careless that you don't mind being
talked about, I am not. and 1 wouldn't
have common thing like that have any
thing on me for all the
"Oh, here comes that nice little Mrs.
Tartface and do be nice to her. How's
that? The idea Of your daring to call
one Of my friends a 'knocker' and dub
right to my face! She's one of the dear
est little women that ever lived. and she
has had more than her share OF trouble
with her brute of a husband. and she
can't help it. I am sure. If you tack
headed men consider her homely. and
she has a sweet face, anyway. If she is
plain.
We'll. Of all the impudence! Look at
that Gitalong woman standing there In
the doorway. and at o'clock on a Sun
day afternoon. dressed as II she were
going to 2 ball! And she's staring down
this way and grinning all over her face
when she sees you'll wish you'd have the
decency not to hop to your feet and throw
yourself all over the place and grin and
smirk and grimate whenever that vulgar
creature smiles at you. If you are going
to begin to develop q taste for low COM
pany at your age. and as fat and puffy as
you are. why
well. I'd just like to know who is chap
eroning those two fluffy-wuffy looking
crazy-haired girls down there at the
end Of the porch-if they have any chap
erons at all. They have an apartment in
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-06-13

put on it by please don't print from
William Loeb. secretary to the President.
is probably out.awed by now. But tits
worth the telling. for of all the stories
told about Presidsnt Roosevelt this has
never heretofore been printed, ard cor-
tainly does throw quite a bit nf light on
the striking individuality of the chief eX-
ecutive.
Twas on return train trip from Get
tysburg, Pa. where President Roosevelt
had delivered a Memorial dt" address
and in the smoking car with him were the
then Commissioner of Pensions Ware
Gen. o. o. Howard and Gen. Sici!es, boti
of Gettysburg fame. and several news
paper men. The talk turned on war and
its aftermath. and COMMISSIONS Ware
got the floor.
Il had a strange case over at the pen
sion bureau the other lay" he remarked
A veteran OF the civil war rame ID see
me with letter of introduction from his
congressman. He told me that although
he had been wounded not once. hut eight
times during the war he had been una ole
to get a pension. And / had only to glance
at him once to observe that his story was
probably quite true. so far as the woun is
were concerned. That man. a fine, up
standing figure of a soldier. who didn't
show his years at all. was horribly mutt
lated. He lacked an ear. his nose hal a
great break in the middle. a saber cut
had drawn a white line across his face
from chin to crown. and he had several
DINER decorations of the same sort.
fo, nd he had been examined half doz en
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-06-13

the horizon behind us. We'd barely have
time to notice a cluster OF folks. bound
for church. at the top of a considerable
incline ahead. and the next instant as II
appeared, they were hull down on the
horizon.
We swayed like a lumber-laden and
water-logged coasting schooner in an off,
Hatteras hurricane, and the strap hit us
just about the waist line. and the pleas
urable breakfast of which we had par
taken at the Hotel Euclid before starting
began to behave in a riotous and unte-
coming manner-and still B. Oldheld, he
kept right on tw1ddling with those devil
ish little uggbluggs that protruded from
the machine all around MS feet and hands.
and every time he did that the old thing
took a hop. skip and jumpish bound for
ward that made the previous speed seem
like the laborious journey Of the tumblus
bugensis.
We'd come to a little valley in the road
between a couple of hills. Would B. Old
field permit his machine to drop down
into that depression In the road? He
would not. He certain would NOT. He'd
just give some little do-funny a slap with
his hand and foot. and we'd jump from
one hill to the other, and every time that
hideous performance was gone through
with this present chronicler would de-
spair Of ever getting his spine back to its
regular shape.
We noticed. lying at our feet. a nice
large, hefty nut wrench. Ha! That
would save US! That would bring this
speed demon to his senses! We would
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-06-13

wholesome and all that. was as prim and
proper as stick of sassafras.
After his marriage this friend of mine,
whose name might be Ferdinand. but
isn't. cut out the speedy life, the highball
habit and lot OF other things, and like
wise separated himself from most of his
skyrocket profanity. verbal devil chasers
and the like. But he'd been using strong
talk for SO long that ordinary everyday
simple and unadorned.
sounded weak. wishy-washy and uncon-
vincing to him. and so, for a substitute,
he had stocked himself with the weirdest
line OF street and self-made' slang that
ever issued from the face of mortal man.
And his wife nearly died of shock and
in consequence.
For instance. he'd drift home to dinner.
sit down as pleasantly as you please and
get off something in the narrative line.
Jumping pretzels." he would remark
about the time the edge was of his hun
ger, "of all the pie-faced NUTS that ever
ate soup with fork. that timber-jawed.
shad- nosed Perkins person is the living
and eternal limit. l met the jig-gaited
tacksnipe on the pike this morning. and
I'll be everlastingly drawn and quartered
II that four-eyed, ash-countenanced
skye terrier didn't tell me that yesterday
he'd made a thousand simoleons all by
his lonesome OF all the forked-tongue ed
record breakers that ever lied for the pure
and unadulterated joy Of 1t. he is the
giddy and beautiful extreme"
Now. all Joking aside. the above might
be called a mild. a very mild sample Of
what Ferdinand could and did do every
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-06-13

his wife blithely. because. as I say, I
used to go to school with that dizzy dame
and / know whereof 1 speak. She came
from I'D my way and the police hope she
didn't buy a roundtrp ticket. And as
for that Perkins person she married-he
is the hopping. snorting maximum. l
never saw him when he was not as dry as
a wooden leg or a covered bridge, and
he's had the gold pumped into his system
four times to my positive recollection
Hes afraid to smoke for fear his breath
will light and his nerves are in such shape
that every time he signs check Il rains
ink at Fairfax Court House. He's well
come to her and she's welcome to him nd
l hone they both choke on the money.
/ don't know what happened next but
I'm certain it was interesting. When
Ferdinand was telling me about 1t he
hadn't fully recovered and his memory
wasn't working we'll.
But he's cured. He's cured so complete
Nv that he can't sit still when anybody
saws anything as mildly decorative as
fudge and fiddlesticks" and he shivers
as with the ague when the conversation
grows stronger or slangter.
All of which is by way OF hint to the
better halves Of all slang singers. Also
I think the cure process was a pretty
nifty stunt for a maid from New Bedford.
Mass.
THIS little story. a really. truly story.
! by the way. grew from nothing five
or six years ago, and. considering the
lapse Of those years, the seal of secrecy
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-06-13

"Fast?' Barney barked at US through
the rush Of wind. This Is only cater
pillaring. This wouldn't beat a Cuban
land crab. Wait till we get little
stretch of straight road. Then we'll stop
this loaf1ng."
Presently he fumbled with some more
of the dillywigs. and the old thing shot
out like-well, like nothing alive or man.
ufactured that ever had been before on
land or sea-and we began to feel peevfsh
with regard to B. Oldfeld. We certainly
did.
We tried to tell him So But our words.
as soon as they dropped from our lips.
fell thuddingly on the road about four
miles behind us. The only way we could
have communicated with Mr.. Oldheld at
that time would have been by firing our
words of protest from q six-inch siege
gun. straight ahead. Then. in couple OF
seconds. we'd have caught up with the
gun-fired words. and maybe few Of them
would have hit our speed bug and knocked
out a few Of his teeth. How we ionged
for a siege gun or something like that!
For we really had many. many words to
say unto B. Oldfield.
The scenery became a blur that remind
ed us of the Barbizon school Of landscape
painting. or of some of those George Inness
fakes. The trees all looked as II they'd
punched their sprouting and had grated
themselves all together like the jungle in
Zambesiland. The little golden heecy
clouds overhead. swimming lazily in the
mazarine sky. looked as II they were fair.
ly busting themselves in order to rush to
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-06-13

more or less reluctantly yielding tactical
fluid under the digitated promptings OF
the pretty milkmaid (who wears drop
pcarl-and- diamond earrings while milking,
you know, and rides to and from the per-
Torrance in $1,000 automobile of her
own. and certainly is terrifically bucolic
and pastoral and daown-to-the-old-sp
haouse-like. gosh all hemlock)-the COW
and the milkmaid are on nightly view at
the first of the roof gardens to disclose
its novelties. II is novelty. too. For It
is likely that about eight-tenths Of the Moo
Yawkers WHO watch this performance
never before saw a COW nilked in their
lives They watch the milking business
with expressions that denote mingled feel
ings You catch some of them pickering
their brows over II. as IL this thing of a
girl milking cow werewolf. kind o
rIsquf. don't you know. and salacious, so
to speak. and maybe. when 1t comes to
that. downright immoral. b'gee. When.
contending against such ridiculous view.
you tell those of the brow-puckerers
whom you know that girls have been
milking cows right out In the open. I'M
afraid and unashamed. since long before
the Chaldean shepherds brooded upon the
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-06-13

on some rather important business I'M
dertaking in which he has been engaged
of late. But I presume that is but trifie
to him now. in view of the fact that Mrs.
J Perkins uncle recently died and left
them a large sum of money"
Suffering scarabs." remarked Ferdi-
nands wife. who had come from New
Bedford, Mass, in a quiet. conversational.
everyday tone, you don't mean to tell
me that that little snip of a Perkins
woman with the concave shape and the
chemical locks has landed bunch of
kale like that? For the love Of the
board of health. If that amt a joke I'll
eat my shoes.
And then while Ferdinand clutched at
the tablecloth and wondered If he was
dreaming or just crazy. his wife smiled
in quiet sort Of way and continued:
Why she said. Il remember when
that pasty-faced clothes prop with the
dollar-a-treatment hair didn't have
money enough to buy herself hunk OF
chewing gum And now that she's col
lected a bundle of cush I'll bet dollar
and a quarter to a semi-masticated dog
biscuit that she puts on more Jugs than a
retired pug with four saloons. Why.
went to school with, her and I'll state
right here and now that the dame with
the cat-green lamps didn't have sense
enough to pound sand or pour ink out of
a boot
About this stage of the game Ferdinand
nearly died. "Dearie." he gasped, you
forget yourself You
IF do I'll be honswaddled." replied
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-06-13

that rode with them, to give the business
a pictorial look.
Lets see,'' said Barney. glancing at
his watch IT'S 8 o'clock. I reckon
we've got time to take a little spin down
to Dayton and get back for lunch at
L.
We don't know just how far Dayton is
from Cleveland. but we understand that
it's more than hundred miles.
But Still we didn't suspect anything
weren't listening very keenly, maybe. We
thought we were just going to have nice
little old Jolly gas-gig jaunt through the
green country outside Cleveland. and in
hale the woodland odors and the clover
fragrance and watch the rhododendrons
and wild roses and stuff like that. Ye-eh.
That's the way We had it figured outflow
careless! &C.
We noticed that Barney was kind O
grnning at us through the goggles that
almost covered his face. but we took that
as an evidence of regard and good will.
disposition.
Well. he didn't let out link until we
got to the outskirts of the city of Cleve-
land. Then he did little f1ddling with
the hewgagS-levers or whatever you call
'em-and we began to go right along. 1t
wasn't pleasant. particularly as the coun-
try roads began to narrow.
Look a-here. you know" said we. pro-
testingly. this is sort of OVERRIDING 1t,
old horse. You're going too fast. It's
not fair. We won't play if you continue
this stuff, you know"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-06-13
o.. ~ %ea@8sg@e~ ~ @

Washington. understand. and there's a
sort of a myth that the mother Of one Of
them and the aunt of the other lives
with them, but I haven't met anybody
who has actually come into contact with
any mother or aunt belonging to those
two giddy ones. and here they are haunt
ing themselves all over the place without
any chaperon, and lot Of silly-looking
men around them. as usual. ! think 1t s
a crime for folks to let lightheaded chlts
like that behave in such a way at place
like this, deed / do. for people are bound
to talk. If l were
Now who is that you are looking at
so intently out there on the lawn? That
cowy-looking dumping of creature. Mrs.
Bestever? Well. 1 certainly do admire
your taste. l declare. with your eyes
popping out of your head every time you
see that insignificant. dolly-looking, fat,
shapeless thing. 1 wouldn't mind IL at all
If you had the least bit Of taste with re-
gard to women. but when you fairly de-
YOUR with your eyes-and me sitting right
with you-such a plebeian-looking person.
did you ever notice her fat, red hands,
and she doesn't keep her nails very clean.
either-with a lot of tallowy hair scatter
ed all over her empty head-oh. her hair
is natural enough. but I'd like to know
who'd want such foolish tony hair. no
more character to it than there is In the
hair on a Belgian hare-if you can't pick
out somebody decenter looking than that
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-06-13

lean forward, pick up that large. hefty
nut wrench, and then we would sink the
sharp end of it fifteen or twenty times
into B. Oldhelds skull, and perhaps that
would induce him to pull up little and
listen unto the voice Of reason.
But 1t was no go. We couldn't lean
forward. The thing was going too fast
to permit OF our leaning forward. We
couldn't have leaned an inch forward If
we knew we would be staked to the No
bel prize for doing it.
Chandeliers. hens, and then just chick
ems that had been gathered up by the
rush Of advancing wind would pop up in
our faces. and once in a while we'd pick
up a dog or so that would go yipp-yap-
ping through the air astern of us. Then
we'd slice off the ancient cameo neck
ornament Of some old lady on her way
to divine worship. and quite often the
cornucopia straw hat of some ruminative
farmer standing by the roadside would
be whisked into our wake and would
dance along after the machine on its
rim for fifteen or twenty miles: Wed
come within -millionth Of an
inch of the wheels of sedate bussies car
rying nice, decent folk to the churches,
and instead of rumbling over bridges We
hit 'em a whack and saake noise like a
cannon cracker and then we'd be over.
and the machine made a humnling noise
like all the beehives on the globe placed
end to end. and
Oh, it was gorgeous, We thought that
something might be accomplished by
planting one of our heels right in the
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-06-13

featured all put up in one huge original
package.
Don't you believe 1t. good Washington
folks.
and. speaking from the oculist's point Of
view. he is one of the best little seers
a-going. If he does say so himself as
shouldn't-this rather unpulchritudinous
dancerino from Muscovy spends most of
her time just a-stamping on the stage
floor. as II she were angry and peeved
over matters. She wears wabbly top
boots during a considerable portion Of
her turn. and the boots have got good.
workmanlike heels and soles, which en-
ables her to make heapsof noise when
she stamps with EN-. Yes. she just paws
and paws the boards like old Dobbin. out
in the barn. when he wants pail Of wa
ter and imagines himself overlooked
When she isn't wearing out the floor paw
ing 1t she is jumping up in the air with
wild, Hacking arms. like somebody who
has just inadvertently stepped on a flock
OF busy little tacks or mess of live Goals,
and when she comes down. after these
scrambling leaps. she always looks to be
more peeved up than ever, for she mme-
diately resumes this thing of stamping her
bottles like Butch the Bite engaged in
pressing. a Bowery enemy's head through
the cobbles.
Although this narrator was we'll up
front, and never had to use specs In his
life. he couldn't "see" this expensive
stamper from any imaginable angle. and
he was. o so glad! when. after ten or
fifteen encores. all of which she responded
to by splintering the stage some more
with her boots, she disappeared from
view.
These are the great roof garden novel;
ties Of New York up to date. The others
will be adverted to, in order, as they
zephyr along.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-06-13

they're only guying her-yes, and making
those ridiculous old watery eyes of hers at
the married men. too-well. If it isn't dis
gushing I never saw anything that was!
should think you'd be ashamed to fiat
ter an old woman like that, as you did
when We met her coming from church last
Sunday morning. for. Of course. there
isn't any possibility Of your meaning it.
and 1t isn't decent for man Of your age
to be ridiculing women to their faces. no
matter how crazy or Eighty they may be.
You know just as well as / do. only you're
too pigheaded to admit 1t, that that wom-
an dates back to the days Of hoopskirts
and cameo earrings. and yet you stood
right up and told the pitiable old shipper
ing thing all sorts Of nonsensical things
about the way she looked, and you haven t
enough sense to see that when you tell
her such things she just moistens her dry
old lips and rolls her faded old blueys of
eyes around and takes 1t all as If 1t were
gospel. call 1t a shame for men to set
out deliberately to make driveling old
creatures like that believe that they arc
not in their dotage. and l want you to
Look at that Hangon woman. flashing
around in a riding habit. It's wonder
to me she's not afraid to ride a horse
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-06-13

day in the year He wouldn't be mad or
irritated or even tiniest bit excited
when he delivered himself of that kind of
talk. Indeed. 1 guess il was just sort
Of natural scale down from the cussing
habit. But his wife couldn't see it that
way. She had never heard her husband
or any one else talk that way before and
she simply couldn't figure out why it
was necessary. She remarked on more
than one occasion that 1t had become
rather monotonous to hear about eight
cen superlative aid distinctly idiotic adj
jectives hitched to every simple little
statement. and she did her best to break
Ferdinand of the habit. but without avail.
But one evening. after Ferdinand and
the girl from New Bedford. Mass. had
been married about three or four months.
he drifted home from the Office early. as
his wife had invited some rather formal
folks-people they didn't know very we'll
to dinner and Ferdinand wanted plenty
of time to soap himself into the pink of
evening condition. And when they all
sat down and started in Ferdinand was
certainly on his best behavior His
conversation sounded like a succession of
extracts from Henry James, Bernard
Shaw and the late William G. Aristotle.
and not so much as hint of slang Slip
ped through his teeth.
1T met that delightfully."- intellectual Mr..
Perkins on the street today he remark
ed, or words to that effect, land was
charmed. though not surprised. knowing
his ability, when he informed me that he
had made a profit of a thousand dollars
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-06-13

propelled along. on wide roads, at fair
ish, breezy. but always safe. clip. That's
about the height Of human enjoyment
But whizzing along at a maniacal speed
that centuries the shadowy form of Az
rael, the Death Angel. out of every turn
of the road-there are few normal folk:
who get any sure-enough enjoyment out
Of that. Drivers a-plenty there are who
like 1t.
Barney Oldfleld. probably more than any
motor car pusher that has yet. lived
seemed to extract. from the very first
positive ecstasy out of the fiendish speed
he made his cars attain.
This narrator, three years ago. made a
ride with Barney Oldfeld that he wouldn't
repeat for a considerable percentage OF
first mortgage bonds on the mines OF
Ophir and Ind.
It was a ride from Cleveland to Dayton
In Barney's racing car of that time. 1t
was a very beautiful Sunday morning in
early June. Barney's car. stripped down
to its bare insides. SO to speak. hauled
up in front Of the Hotel Euclid In Cleve-
land. where Barney lived.
Let's take little jog" invited Barney.
and we. all impulsively and unsuspecting-
ly, got into the contraption for the jog.
When Barney strapped us into the seat.
we took that as mere matter of form.
We didn't know much about the game.
and we figured that these automobile rae
Ing sharps merely liked to strap folks in
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-06-13

to become breathless and senle over, why.
I think it's time
''Ha. ha! Look at that skinny-lookinS
Mrs Nofood tripping down the porch with
that imitation of a Maxine Elliott SWING!
What? Hers a graceful figure? Why. she
Is emaciated, She looks like those pic
lures one sees of the famine in India, Just
enough flesh on her for her height. you
say? Why, the woman is a skeleton. I
tell you, even with all the pads she's got
on and one can almost hear her bones
rattle as she walks. She looks like some
thing the cat dragged in. and Yet there
are a lot of moody naddies of men around
her, like you. who try to make themselves
believe the woman is pass able-looking.
and they rave over her big. solemn brown
eyes with their pleading look as they
call it. and ! suppose she practices that
pleading look before her glass for an hour
or so every morning of her life. and deed,
if I didn't have any more meat on me
than that, I'd"
At this stage Of II one Of the male
friends of the husband OF the homely
woman strolled I'D.
Il was just telling my husband" she
said to the friend. how much ii pleases
me that he's not past taking an interest
in the many pretty and charming women
here. for. deed. always say. what would
be the use of having a husband who didn't
admire pretty women and who didn't at
tract them, too. A woman must feel per-
fectly absurd to have a man literally
tied to her apron string. don't YOU think?'