davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Farmington times. (Farmington, St. Francois County, Mo.) 1905-1926, 1908-01-03

When you have married your wife,
you would think you werS got upon a
hilltop, and might begin to go down
ward by an easy slope. But you have
only ended counting to begin mar
rage. Falling In love and winning
love are often difficult tasks to over.
bearing and rebellIous spirits; but to
keep in love is also business Of some
importance, 10 which both man and
wife must bring kindness and good.
will The true love story commences
at the altar, when there lies before
the married pair a most beautiful con.
test Of wisdom and generosity, and a
lifelong struggle toward an unattain-
able ideal Unattainable? Aye, surely
unattainable, from the very fact that
they are two instead OF one.-R. l..
stevenson.
The Farmington times. (Farmington, St. Francois County, Mo.) 1905-1926, 1908-01-03
WOUND WATCH WRONG WAY.
The Story OF Left,Harded Woman
and Her Timcpiece,

Women don't deserve to own
watches recently remarked a jewel
or. They don't know how to take
care OF them. A woman bought a
watch from my firm recently and !
gave her strict instructions to wind
it every - hours and always at the
same hour "a nearly as possible. Two
DAYS Inter she came back with II and
said It had stopped Wei, found 1t
had run down. told her but she
insisted she had wound Il, Two or
three days later she came back with
the same complaint. and again tried
to impress her with the necessity for
winding It, Again she insisted she
had done so and went away miffed.
The third time she came | asked her
to show me how she had wound It..
Then made a peculiar discovery. The
woman was left.handed, and In at
tempting to wind the watch she had
been winding It the wrong way. I've
had peculiar experiences with Gus
toners, but that beats all
The Farmington times. (Farmington, St. Francois County, Mo.) 1905-1926, 1908-01-03
The Fool OF the Family.

Primogeniture had engaged so much
Of young Americans hostile atten.
ton that his companion. who hap.
pened to be the heir to an earldom, felt
constrained to apologize for 1t. 1T
has its advantages" he said. mildly;
1T makes but one fool In family,
you know" "All my younger broth.
ers amount to something. as you
Americans put It," he further ex.
planned. Zone Of them is in the army,
another in the navy, and the third
lives and works in the east end Of
London. YOUTHS Companion.
The Farmington times. (Farmington, St. Francois County, Mo.) 1905-1926, 1908-01-03
German Exactitude.

The widow Of a German officer pre-.
scented herself at the office In Berlin
for the purpose Of drawing the pen.
sion due her She handed in the nee
essary certificate from the mayor Of
the village in which she lived to the
effect that she was still alive. This
certificate is not correct" said the Of
ficer in charge. What Is the matter
with IT." asked the lady. 1T bears the
date Of September q, was the stern
reply, "and your pension was due on
September 10" What hud Il a Ger.
tiflcate do you wish?" asked the dis.
appointed applicant. I'VE must have
certificate stating that you were
alive on September 49," said the Off.
Ger with great hrmness.
The Farmington times. (Farmington, St. Francois County, Mo.) 1905-1926, 1908-01-03
Effect of Relaxation.

DR.. Long Mayheliye Young of Chi.
cago does not agree with us that
sleeping on the front is good, says the
New York Press. But he seems to be
in his own mind an expert ON relaXa.
ton. In my opinion" he says. The
want of relaxation is the principal
cause of insomnia. To produce re-
Taxation we must first equalize the
circulation OF the blood. This is very
often accomplished by sleeping with
the knees up. which throws the blood
into the lumbar region. The position
is rather tiresome Il should say sob
and on stretching out the legs equall-
cation and therefore relaxation takes
place. For insomnia supcrvenng
upon nervousness | would advise TAX.
ing some good long breaths. When
due to want Of control Of the thinking
apparatus eat three or four ginger
snaps tten cents a pound. which will
warm up the stomach and transfer
the nervous energy to the solar
plexus, or stomach BRAIN
The Farmington times. (Farmington, St. Francois County, Mo.) 1905-1926, 1908-01-03
MADE HIS HOME A FORTRESS.
Tenant Had Neat Way Of Shutting
Out Undesirable Visitors.

Alterations to suit tenant" was q
part OF the sign In a Philadelphia
building, telling that a loft over tho
store was to let One day lately q
prospective tenant applied and ex-
pressed himself as pleased with the
location and quarters, as well as the
terms. As to alterations he had only
one thing to suggest. namely, that the
stair steps be fixed to the top floor
with a pair OF stout hinges, and cords
be attached so that they might BIO
raised and lowered, in a way best IL
Illustrated perhaps by the attachments
OF a fire escape. Anxious to get a
tenant and seeing no particular objec-
ton to this arrangement, the land
lord complied. His tenant. a quiet
man, was wont to go to his quarters
early In the forenoon and at once
draw the steps up to the ceiling. A
few only OF his many visitors, those,
in fact. who gave a peculiar whistle.
we're accommodated by the lowering
OF the steps. The others were ig-
nored. The landlord fearful lest some
unlawful transactions might be going
on in his building. called upon the
tenant for an explanation. oh, was
the reply my friends have the
whistle. The other fellows are cred
itors," The hinges are still working.
The Farmington times. (Farmington, St. Francois County, Mo.) 1905-1926, 1908-01-03
COUNTRY FOR LIGHT sLEEPERs.
Japan Has 40 Domestic Animals 10
Disturb the SIumberer.

The Japanese college Girl had been
unable to sleep because u dog had
howled all night beneath her window.
Now, in Japan" she said, such
trouble would never happcn. Wehave no
animal pets there; We don't even have
useful domestic animals. such as cows,
sheep and pigs. II the Japanese kept
for his pleasure dog and cat, and
then suffered these animals to spend
the night out OF doors, spelling the
neighbors' rest with their uproar--
well. / don't know what pun 'shment
we'd give him, but II would be some.
what lingering, | fancy with boiling
oil on 1t. We have no domestic ami
mails. To dogs and cats we prefer
children. Sheep We don't require, for
we eat no mutton and our clothes are
made of silk and Of cotton instead OF
wool. Mules and donkeys we don't
need because men do our hauling
Pigs, with their fifth, are unknown TO
us--you couldn't persuade n Japanese
10 eat pork. We do keep chickens. 1t
is true. but they are always kept FAR
away from any dwelling house. On
this account Japan has nights OF per
irct qui"tudc. 1t is the best place
on earth for sleeping"
The Farmington times. (Farmington, St. Francois County, Mo.) 1905-1926, 1908-01-03
lcELANDERs ARE LONG LIVED.
Average Age There Double Mean pura.
ton Of Human Life.

II would be interesting TO know II
any part OF the world beats Iceland
in the average length OF life of its
inhabitants. 1t Is shown In the census
Of 1905 that on an average the people
OF that island live TO the age Of 6lS
years, which Is very nearly double the
mean duration Of human life as It
was computed generation ago. Swe-
den and Norway are regarded as very
henlthful countries, but Iceland takes
the palm In longevity, the mean dura.
ton OF life In Sweden being 5000
years and in Norway 1924 years.
Some of lceland's earthquakes are
nerve.racking, but on the whole the
lives of most Of Its simple and indus
trious inhabitants slip along with few
incidents that unduly stimulate or de-
press the pulse. Summer and winter
the same old mail boat from Leith
steams into the harbor OF Reykjavik
every three weeks. but very rarely
brings news that touches Iceland so
closely as to make excitement. In
fact the little island enjoys many of
the advantages OF civilization and
avoids most Of its drawbacks.--Chris-
tian Advocate.
The Farmington times. (Farmington, St. Francois County, Mo.) 1905-1926, 1908-01-03

OF all people who are glad when the
season Of thunderstorms is past, none
are more thankful than professional
nurses. 1T isn't that we are so afraid
of lightning ourselves" said hospital
nurse, but It has a harmful effect on
our patients. Most sick people have
an unreasoning fear Of lightning. In
cases OF extreme weakness or nerv.
BUSINESS dozen flashes of binding
lightning reduces the patient to such
n state Of prostration that It takes ex.
traordinary efforts on the part of the
nurse to bring him AROUND II one
sick person requires all that extra ut.
tention in a thunderstorm. Just mag
inc the prcdicament of the nurse who
has a whole ward full of them on her
hands"
The Farmington times. (Farmington, St. Francois County, Mo.) 1905-1926, 1908-01-03
Disscctlnu a Violin.

Not one person In a hundred has
the slightest notion of how many parts
or pieces there are In violin. Here
is a list OF them: Back, 2 pieces;
belly, 2; coins and blocks, 6; sides, 8;
side.linings 49, bar, l: purfings, "a;
neck, /; finger.board, l; nut, |; bridge,
l: string for tail.board, 1; guard for
string, /; sound-post. 1; strings, 4:
pegs, 4 total, 60 pieces. Three kinds
of wood are used-maple. pine and
ebony, Maple is used for the back,
the neck, the side.pieces and the
bridge. Pine is used for the belly, the
bar. the coins and blocks, the side
Innings and the sound-post. Ebony Is
used for the flnger.board, the tail
board, the nut. the guard for string
of tail-board. the pegs and the button.
The Farmington times. (Farmington, St. Francois County, Mo.) 1905-1926, 1908-01-03
postmlstrenl 81 Year

Mrs. Kenward whose appointment
as postmisEress at the quaint old post
Office ut Wivesfield, near Hayward $
Heath. dates back to 1916. celebrated
her eighty.eighth birthday the other
day, says the London Standard. De
spite her years Mrs. Kenward attends
to her own household duties. and is a
great reader of the newspapers. She
believes herself to be the Oldest post.
mistress in the country. Her father
was a farmer at Speldhurst, near Tun-
bridge Wells. Mrs. Kenward hopes to
become centenarian and to die in
harness
The Farmington times. (Farmington, St. Francois County, Mo.) 1905-1926, 1908-01-03
Beaver on Elk River.

"The impression that the beaver is
almost extinct in this country is
mistake" said George RI. Hover, OF
Vancouver, u. c. "On the Elk river.
a tributary Of the Fraser in my own
province. there are this season thou
sands of these little animals, whose
fur is so valuable. building their win
ter quarters. The Elk river has al
ways been a favorite spot for the
beaver, but this year the influx has
been so marked that even the most
experienced trapper cannot tell
whence they came. There are now n
large number of trappers on the river
engaged in catching them as fast as
possible. Most OF the skins are shipped
TO San Francisco, while some go to
Montreal and Toronto. From these
cities they will go to others in all
parts of this country and Europe"
The Farmington times. (Farmington, St. Francois County, Mo.) 1905-1926, 1908-01-03

A French nerve doctor was called
TO treat an American visitor for acute
neuralgia. Electricity was applied
with excellent results. The patient
gratified, promised to send the doctor
a check. The next day the medlco
was astonished to deceive a check for
G1.000. He went and asked II mis-.
take had not been made and received
further expressions of gratitude. a
few days later the American sent title
deeds for u house near Arc de Trl.
omphe Of the value of l 100000 francs.
Gil Bias vouchcs for the story and
says the doctor has just moved into
the house gives him.
The Farmington times. (Farmington, St. Francois County, Mo.) 1905-1926, 1908-01-03
Military Epinrams.

Col. Philip Readc, of the Twenty.
third United States infantry is the
author Of the following "epiErams OF
the range" The ultimate of the sol
diar's profession is to know when and
where and how to pull the trigger
other things being equal. that sol
der who can hit with measurable ac-
curacy what he aims at is the best
soldier" the way to learn how to
hit is to find out why you miss; -
brains must be mixed with gunpow.
der" soldiers who are not good
shooters are apt TO be turned into
good scooters;" most good shots are
made good shots by systematic i'm
struction and practice"
The Farmington times. (Farmington, St. Francois County, Mo.) 1905-1926, 1908-01-03

III you want to meet the limit of
nerve" remarked a druggist, you
must keep drug store, Most people
seem to think the place is Tor public
accommodation without the necessity
OF any real patronage on their part.
We have had a good many nervy re.
quests, but one the other day capped
the climax. 1t was raining hard and
woman we didn't know. who lived
three blocks away, telephoned US to
send her two twO-Cent postage
stamps"
The Farmington times. (Farmington, St. Francois County, Mo.) 1905-1926, 1908-01-03
Why Letters Are Unwrltten.

Why not keep up writlng.desk sup
plies just as conscientiously as those
for the pantry? asks 4 writer. Few
households would get along a week
without sugar, salt or soap, yet how
many letters are unanswered for the
lack of a good pen, a stamp or an en-
velope? 1t is not the expense. but
lack of thought. that keeps an Insult.
cient or meager supply Of the neces-
sary articles on hand.
The Farmington times. (Farmington, St. Francois County, Mo.) 1905-1926, 1908-01-03
CALLED FOR SLIGHT SEVERITY.
indian Vi:eroy Departed from His
Policy Of Kindness.

Lord Lawrence, one OF the famous
viccroys " India. was an able and
very simple man. lie used to do his
work IN his shirt sleeves and dis.
couragCd as much as possible all state
and ceremony He was inclined to
treat the natives like children, al
though he always strenuously insisted
upon their meriting and receiving jus.
tice and kindness. FORD Mayo went to
India TO succeed him, and on the last
afternoon before Lord Lawrence was
TO leave for home he took the incom.
ing viceroy for drive On the way he
impressed his doctrine OF kindness
very cmphaticully and solemnly on his
successor. Lord Mayo thanked him
for his helpful advice. and they re-
turned in due course to the govern.
ment house The syce or footman,
was slow and awkward in opening the
door OF the carriage, whereupon Lord
Lawrence jumped out in temper and
gave his car an unmistakable tug
Lord Mayo turned to the yiceroys aid
with a smile My first practical les.
son In kindness to natives unduubtec-
ly Is an odd one" he whispered.
The Farmington times. (Farmington, St. Francois County, Mo.) 1905-1926, 1908-01-03
DAINTY Of OWnershlp.

81 saw a sign IN restaurant down
at Gallon the other day." said Cleve-
land man, that struck me as an effec-
i've means Of unfolding the dignity Of
the establishment. The proprietor Of
the restaurant is a big man, weighing
about 200 pounds and put up like q
prize OK. His sign says: II You
Want to Know Who Runs This Place
Just Start Something "-C3evelard
Plain Dealer. u ~
The Farmington times. (Farmington, St. Francois County, Mo.) 1905-1926, 1908-01-03
A Strenuous Task.

II don't SEQ why you should be ex.
cused," the Judge said to the witness.
You look well enough" But Jest
think of 1t, yer honor" said the wit.
ness, I've done stood on this hers
stand an told the truth fer two hours
ON q stretch"
The Farmington times. (Farmington, St. Francois County, Mo.) 1905-1926, 1908-01-03
Ons Of the Tests.

so your daughter made brilliant
MARRIAGE mot very" answered Mr..
Cumrox. "Your son-in-law is Of noble
originf" Yes. But could pronounce
his name properly the frat time I
tried" ..........
The Farmington times. (Farmington, St. Francois County, Mo.) 1905-1926, 1908-01-03
Somethlnu In Oils,

She approached the foorwalker and
asked: Where shall find something
nice in oil for the dining-room2" "On
the fifth" began the foorwalker
Then pausing, he looked doubtfully at
the inquirer do you want paint
ing or something In the sardins liner"
Success Magazine.
The Farmington times. (Farmington, St. Francois County, Mo.) 1905-1926, 1908-01-03
The Reason.

"There goes a man who doesn't get
credit at any business establishment
In town" who? Old Mr.. Worthy?
Why, | thought he was one of the
most reliable men in the city. Why
doesn't he get credit?" Because he
always pays cash"
The Farmington times. (Farmington, St. Francois County, Mo.) 1905-1926, 1908-01-03
Final Settlement.
KALIS' DRUG STORE.

Notice Is hereby given that the under.
signed, executor OF the estate OF
NOAH NJ. KIRKPATRICK, Decd.
will make ftnal settlement OF sa,d estate
at the next term OF the Probate Court OF st
Francois comfy, Missouri, to he begun and
held at the Court House In Pennington In
said county. on the second Monday In Jan.
uary, 1908.
JOHN II. KIRKPATRlCk'
Dec. 10, 1897. Executor.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1908-09-30
THE RIGHT SPIRIT.

There is evidently some good stun OF
the right sort in Mr.. Chanler, the high
toned young Democrat who is running
against Governor Hughes IN New York
Here is a passage from speech OF MS
in response to a toast:
my idea is that to win a race it is
not necessary to call your opponent
spindle-shanked rnonstrosity, or other
endearing epithet, before or during the
race. Give him the benefit Of his pre-
vious record and run upon your own.
Then don't give an inch from the drop
of the flag until you break the tape.
The country needs lot more candi-
dates like that in the field to keep the
political atmosphere clear and bracing.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1908-09-30
QUAKER NEGOTIATIONS.

IFrom the Philadelphia Record
You can't always tell belle by her
rings.
1t isn't every man who has the
cheek to raise whiskers.
When the corn crop is a failure.
does it affect the chiropodist?
1t is just as well to put off till to-
morrow the worries of today.
The fool is never hopeless If he has
sense enough to keep his mouth shut.
If you are going to patch up a quar-
rel don't hunt for needle in hay
stack.
He who takes advantage of the
weakness of others doubles his own
strength.
The deaf mute may be very we'll in
formed and have his knowledge at his
fingers ends.
When a girl is 18 she imagines that
every love letter is the advance agent
OF marriage license.
Many a man has been wrecked on
the rock of adversely. but there is gen.
orally a little rye on the side.
Nell-"Jack Rapidde has very en-
gaging ways" Believes; I've
known him to be engaged to four girls
at the same time"
Hoax-"Did you ever notice at a
wedding how pale the bride and groom
look ?" Joax-"Why shouldn't they
look pale? They are being made war"
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1908-09-30
JOURNAL ENTRIES

A Central Branch paper announces
that since the weeds began to die the
trains are frequently only one hour
late. instead of two.
The Emporia Gazette remarks that
the Sterling Bulletin is one of the best
weekly papers in Kansas. And in this
class is also the Minneapolis Messen-
ger.
In the way of rare letters, Judge
Wagstaff of Salina has one in the
handwriting of Oliver Cromwell,
which was dated by him at Westmin-
ster, January 26, 1913.
In telling of the fact that Emporia
and Ottawa are going to have profess
sionaI baseball clubs next year, the
Hutchinson News mentions the further
fact that there will be a BOBBY prize.
Russia and the Philippines are not
the only localities infested with chol-
era these days. There's quite bit of
it reported around Atchison, but so far
it has been confined to hogs.
With reference to Prof Blackmar's
Elan to teach counting in the colleges,
the Jewell City Republican says that
quite a number of nice girls in that
town are already taking lessons by
mail.
A railroad superintendent had the
rear brakeman on the carpet concern
ing rear end collision, the Atchison
Globe says. and asked the brakeman
to give his own version of the accident
in his own language. He said: 1--WE
was moping around the curve at about
65 per, when 1 spied a stack of reds
on the main, and Immediately noti-
fed the skillet head, who throwed her
into the hreachin' on two streams of
seashore. He also gave her the secret
works, and began to sound the bugle
call. Then 1 made a high dive, and
disappeared in the atmosphere.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1908-09-30

come to the grounds" he said. pus
you really ought to taste the burgoo:
There is nothing else like 1t. LII seno
or bring some over
81 shall be delighted,' was the De
mure reply, and s-olcord rode on,
rather sorry that he had to whip Ed
mas brother 1t might reduce his
chances of winning Edna, and tnat
was even more important now than
the office on which he had once set
his heart.
1t had been announced that the
burgoo would be served at O'Clock.
but it was well past that time when
a single rider came TO explain why
the crowd had not shown up
'Mylius is giving a lawn party" ex-
planned Co1cord's friend. There's a
dancing floor laid down in his yard,
and a band from Silver City. You
can't get a man past the place. for
Miss Edna is dancing with all In turn.
Looks as though we were beaten,
Ben"
"I'm rather glad that we are" was
the unexpected reply, as Colcord
turned to give an order.
Some time later the guests at the
lawn party were surprised to see Col
| cord drive up. In the wagon box were
(, the two negroes and the caldron Of
burgoo.
Il promised to briag you some.' ex-
| planned Colcord as he approached
Edna. land as no one else seemed TO
want any, I brought all of it. 1t may
| help out with the refreshments. It's
| rather a cold day for a lawn party,
| and the hot stew will be appreciated"
Splendid" cried Edna. "If you
will drive round the house. I'll show
you where you can have il served
We only have cakes aud lemonade"
She led the way to the back of the
| house, where the two cooks unloaded
| Colcord's addition to the refreshments
| and prepared to serve it. Colcord
made the best use of his time. and
when he appeared in the front yard
| again he approached Myths.
| 'Tom," he said. you can be
sheriff. for I'm going to be your
brother-in-law. I told you that 1
would win but l didn't realize that
| my trump card would be the one you
| held. "-(Copyrighted, 1908 by Asso-
ciated Literary Bureau.)
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1908-09-30
AYHIWKER JOTS

Probably the most bitter political
enemies are those who belong to OPP
posing factions in the same party.
X X
A man may think he has succeeded
when he gets a girl to promise to
marry him but the chances are he has
succumbed.
Even though a man claims his wife
drove him to drink, there are never
any marks on him to show that 1t was
necessary for her to use whip.
X
What's the difference? If man
gets into the habit of hunting trouble
he is sure to find it, and If he's so lazy
that he always tries to avoid it, it will
find him.
y X y
It's safe to say that no place on the
face of the earth presents quite the
beautiful and magnificent aspect that
is given to it on souvenir postal cards.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1908-09-30
POINTED PARAGRAPHS.
IFrom the Chicago Nevs1

IRON the Chicago News
Clubs for men have added much to
the comforts of home.
1t takes vigorous brains to generate
vigorous thoughts.
A woman judges the value of a let
ter by the length of the postscript.
If there's one thing a boy en1ovs
seeing more than a circus it is a dog
fight.
Although a cyclone carries everv-
thing before it, a lot of rain is left
behind.
Fortunate is the man with a null
providing he doesn't pull the wrong
way
When man is working for wages
his wife likes to speak of their income
II woman would reform her hus-
band she should begin by selecting his
tailor
Even q meek and Iowly man NAV
have ruled the roost when he was a
baby.
People who stretch the truth NAV
believe in making things go as far as
possible.
Swelled head Is disease from
which the recovery is more painful
than the disease itself.
Even a 9S-cent watch may 20 ALL
right-until 1T reaches the pawnbrok-
er's establishment
Perhaps pretty women marry home
ly men because of the contrast: IL en-.
aples them to show off to such good
advantage.