Evening star., 1908-01-26
CHAPTER XXXIII.

DR.. Lavendar looked at the bowed
head but he offered no comfort. When
she said. brokenly mo. can't have him:
was silence again. 1t was broken by a
small. cheerful voice:
Mary says supper's ready. There's
milk toast, AM
DR.. Lavendar went as quickly as he
could to the door; when he opened it he
stood between the little boy and Helena.
Tell Mary not to wait for me, but ask
her to give you your supper"
"An' Mary says that in Ireland they
call clover 'shamrocks.' an
DR.. Lavendar gently closed the door.
When he went back to his seat on the
other side of the table, she said family,
"That was--?'
Yes" said DR.. Lavendar
"Oh," she whispered, knew / would
have to give him up. knew had no
right to him.
mo. you had no right to him.
But I loved him SO! Oh, I thought,
maybe, would be-like other people If I
had him.
After while. with long pauses be-
tween the sentences, she began to tell
him. > .
Il never thought about goodness, or
badness either. Only about Lloyd and
happiness. I thought I had right to
happiness. But / was angry at all the
complacent married people: they were so
satisfied with themselves. And yet all the
time I wished Frederick would die SO
that / could be married. Oh. the time
was so long"' She threw her arms up
with gesture Of shuddering WEAKNESS;
then clasped her hands between her
knees, and, staring at the floor. began to
speak. Her words poured out. incoherent,
contradictory. full of bewilderment and
pain. Yes. I wasn't very happy. except
just at first. After while got so tired
Of Lloyd's selfishness. Oh-he was so
selfish. / used to look at him sometimes
and almost hate him. He always took
the most comfortable chair. and he cared
so much about things to eat. And he got
fat. And he didn't mind Frederick's iiv-
ing. could see that. And prayed that
Frederick would die ! suppose you think
it was wicked to pray that?"
go on"
1T was only because loved Lloyd so
much. But he didn't die. And I began
not to be happy. And then I thought
Lloyd didn't want to talk to me about
Alice Alice is his daughter. It was
three years ago l first noticed that. But
| wasn't really sure until this summer.
He didn't even like to show me her pic
ture. That nearly killed me, DR.. Law
endar. And once. just lately, he told me
her greatest charm was her innocence
Oh it was cruel in him to say that! How
could he be so cruel.' she looked at him
for sympathy. but he was silent But
underneath. somehow. l understood: and
that made me angry-to understand. It
was this summer that I began to be
angry. And then got SO jealous-not OF
Alice, exactly. but of what she stood for.
1t was kind OF fright. because / couldn't
go back and begin again. Do you know
what I mean?"
II know"
"Oh, DR. Lavendar, It is so horrible!
When I began to understand. it seemed
like something broken-broken-brok
1t could never be mended."
mo"
Sometimes. as she went on. he asked a
question, and sometimes made COM
ment The comment was always the
same; when she spoke of marrying Fred
erick to get away from her bleak life
with her grandmother. she said. "Oh. it
was a mistake, q mtstake!'
And he said. 1T was a sin"
And again: II thought Lloyd would
make me happy: just went to be happy;
that was my second mistake
1T was your second SIM
"You think / am sinner" she said !;
''oh, DR.. Lavendar. I am not as bad as
you think! 1 always expected to marry
why not" said Dr. Lavendar.
She shrank back with gesture Of dis
may. Il always expected to marry
him.
1T would have been just the same If
you had married him.
II don't understand you." she said.
family.
From the beginning" he said. you
have thought only Of self. You would
not have been redeemed from self by
gaining what would have made you more
satisfied with yourself"
She thought about this for few min
utes in q heavy silence. You mean.