Spirit of the age. [volume] (Woodstock, Vt.) 1845-1913, 1908-08-29
Maria'S
Burglar.
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He is called Marias burglar be-
cause l hired him on her account.
AS the children would say, he was
not a "really" burglar. One glance
at his gentle frankness, his serene
respectability must have convinced
you of that fact beyond peradventure.
Moreover, he was my daughters
fance, and no decent citizen, 80 far
as / am aware, would suffer an
avowed lawbreaker to remain in his
household in that capacity.
Maria's burglarphobia exhibited its
first symptoms the night we moved
into our new home,
We were sleeping for the first time
under its roof. Hardly had dozed
off when l felt the gentle impact Of
Maria's fist in my ribs and the soft
sibilance of her whisper in my ear:
"Get up, John. There's some one on
our roof" / raised my head and lis
tened attentiVely. "There's no one
there" announced definitely. Maria
insisted there was; adding that there
were two of them, and that one wore
hob-nailed shoes. My query as to the
size Of the shoes met with no re-
Spouse. At last, to satisfy her, I
arose and went to the little closet on
the top floor which marks the en-
trance to our scuttle. In one hand
carried lamp; in the other an I'M
loaded revolver. Twice called,
who's there?" and twice was l an
swered only by the moaning of the
wind as 1t swept along the chimney
tops. ] did not raise the scuttle lid;
Time for that IN the morning.
Though fully RECALLED with the details
of my expedition Maria remained
awake for at least four hours. She
told me about 1t the next day.
In the morning we found an old
felt hat on our roof. Maria gloated.
Our neighbours son claimed it later
In the day, saying he had dropped 1t
on our roof while playing on his own
some weeks previously.
Our burglars next appeared on the
front steps about 4 O'Clock of frosty
winters morning. From her trem-
bling place under the blanket Maria
could almost distinguish the words
Of their conversation; something
failed to accomplish, even though
stood for three whole minutes in the
chilled vestibule with my ear at the
front door keyhole. That we arose
the next morning to find ourselves
alive our silverware intact, and our
doors securely bolted, Maria was in
clined to attribute to renascence of
the age of miracles. After that we
were besieged no less than three
times a week; sometimes oftener.
Maria" said |, at last, what is 1t
about burglar that you fear so
our place he'll get there, never fear
Whatever he takes will be replaced
by the insurance people, anyway"
"And If he kills us where we lie
I presume that will be liquidated by
the insurance people as well--if
either of us is here to collect it"
This in Marias most sarcastic man
ner.
$50 1t is bodily injury you fear?
Why? Am l not here?" Our hero
spoke these words with calm conf
dence and fine fearlessness. Under
the circumstances Maries responsive
sniff was hardly complimentary.
Bluntly she inquired-if a burglar
saw fit to enter our room with a
loaded pistol in his hand and a fero-
cious scowl upon his face-what
would do?
I'D jump out of bed and grapple
him where he stood. I'd put my knee
on his neck and throttle him until
he howled for mercy. I'd pummel
him with all my might, and leave
HIM lying inert on the floor, while |
went off to fetch an ambulance in
which to remove his battered carcass
that is, of course, provided he was
not inconsiderate enough to take to
his heels before l had time to com
plete my vengeance. So that due
modesty might attend my claim, l
vouchsafed the opinion that all bur-
glars are towards at heart.
Indeed" said Maria. The sub
limated sarcasm and skeptfcism con-
tained in that brief word determined
me.
My prospective son-in-law, Clar-
ence Colburn, failed to eYince instant
enthusiasm over my plan, even
though / offered to purchase on his
behalf the real thing in the shape of
a mask, Jimmy and a lantern. Be-
fore he agreed to carry out the part
had assigned to him. | was obliged
to promise several things. First, the
wrath of his prospective mother-in-
law must be appeased by me, in case
Of the discovery of his identity at
whatsoever expense. Secondly, my
demonstrations of bravery must be
strictly passive and largely oratorical.
might command him to desist; to
leave the house under threat OF
speedy apprehension; to abandon his
plumber where he found it-but |
must not leave my place. l was
not to touch the floor until he had
full opportunity to clear the room
Lastly. my pistol must remain I'M
loaded-''in case we get too excited
you know" These details fixed, we
set Thursday as the date, aud prompt
midnight as the hour of our adven-
ture.
Maria was very nervous that night
Three evenings before the Sanborn
house in our street had been entered
and its contents removed to parts un.
known. That very morning we had
learned of two other burglaries in ouI
immediate vicinity. Eagerly Maria
scanned the obituaries in the loca
journal; fancy she was disappointed
ut the lack OF funeral announcements
Before we finally retired she saw fit tC
recount all three affairs mosaically
and to remark dolefully that she wal
sure our turn was coming soon.