davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-03-07

mansion-covered property in the heart Of
the fashionable northwest Il could have
bought acres and acres of this ground
for mill a foot-yes, sir, mill a foot!
Few of these engaging old gentlemen
however, so far as | could ascertain, did
buy this then swampy ground for "a mill
a foot" wherefore there was a distinct
usefulness in their eyes as they spoke of
their lost opportunities.
Well | fell to thinking of all this the
other day when l made series of little
excursions under New Yorh's two rivers
through the new tunnels to New Jersey
and Long Island. In other years, at
various times, / lived both in New Jersey
and on Long Island: lived in sections of
those two regions where. just to get folks
to settle and give the places populated
tone. they were all but giving property
away.
But now! Actually, it sounds like the
stuff we get out of the Klondike. these
verified stories of how wealthy the pa
tient, far-seeing ones of New Jersey ICON
| tiguous to New York; and Long Island
| contiguous to BROOKLYN have become by
waiting all these years for the tunnels
| that they had the bunch must come
! sooner or later. They held on and waited
| for the tunnels, these patient ones, and
now some of them have turned their
| money over as high as forty-think that
over. forty-times for their patience OF
course the real estate spectators got
into 1t. too. as soon as they got the di-
| rect tip about the tunnels, and these have
fixed themselves for life. And still the
real estate pot in those sections x seal a.
ing, still is the money being skinned
from the top of the pot in gobs. They've
got 1t all figured out now. you see, that
New York is bound to become simply a
city of business. with nobody living on
Manhattan Island at all. Very well. the
foiks viii have to live somewhere won't
! they: Where else can they live, then,
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-03-07

ously admitted with view, probably,
to throwing a sop at us old-timerS there
presently that there were a few of the old
clerks who preserved their efficiency and
really earned what they got from Uncle
Sam. But the most of EN- he acclaimed
in that off-hand I-have-spoke youngster' S
way, were mere lumber positive nuis-
ances; and he guessed, as he'd said be-
fore, that the folks up at the Capitol who
We're in charge of such measures knew
what they were about.
Il could feel my old friend whose guest
l was stiffening. He's a patient man. too,
and of a curiously taciturn sort. But it
was perfectly manifest to me that the
cracks of the youngster at the table about
the old clerks We're getting on his nerves.
For myself, l should like to have taken
that young man out into the hail. de-
posted him over my knee and given him
a thorough. honest, business-like spank
ing. But L made allowances for his
youth and weakness. and so did not per-
nit myself to become worked up over
his remarks. Not so, as l say, my old
friend.
HE stopped eating. and. with hts
hands on the edge of the table, just
looked and looked at the young fellow
with all the voice until he'd finished Then
there was a lull. and my old friend. i'm
paing the youngster with his eye, asked
him:
How long have you been in the gov
eminent employ, young MANI.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-03-07

he sat down and laid himself out chatting
with the visitors for an hour or so.
"Deuced nice bunch of girls, those"
they'd gone. Always did like those
three. Pleasant lot. Know something,
too"
Mrs. Jobson decided to stop Mr.. job
sons upstairs business by the old femi-
nine method of a taunt.
But she said Il thought You pre-
ferred the upstairs part of the house,
and that"
"Uh-huh-you think whole lot OF
things like that, 1 KNOW" broke in Mr.
Jobson. but some of your thinks have
got verdigris on them. For one thing, II
you think that you're going to coop me
up in the attic. or tie me in the cellar, or
fasten me to the kitchen sink Just to suit
your own purposes. then you want to
subject your think apparatus to that new
kind of dry cleaning. I'm willing to
be mauled around from pillar to post up
to i certain point: but when you get the
idea in your head, madam, that you're
going to make a prisoner of me in my
own roost treat me like a sort of SUI
perfluous fixture around this dump, then
it's time for me to nudge on the firing
line and assert myself and that's what
1 hereby do Downstairs. upstairs, any
old part of this plant is good enough for
me from this time on, and just you try
again to cage me up in a corner and See
how you make out with it, that's all,''
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-03-07

know from the placard that he had, per-
haps. carried off man or a child from
village on the outskirts of his jungle;
that he had finally been trapped and
brought miles and miles across the ocean.
and that the same ferocious man-eater
was now before your very eyes. But few
people would pass his cage without specu-
tating as to what the animal itself thought
of his new home, whether he is still
bloodthirsty, etc. Nothing definite has
been decided upon yet regarding the
placards, but the matter is being consid-
cred earnestly.
Take old Lucifer, the big grizzly bear.
for example Watch him he rolls
about in his bath or shifts quietly around
his cage Huge as mountain though he
is he appears quite peaceable to the aver
age visitor. Don't you think that same
spectator would be more interested in Luz
offer if he knew from placard that not
so very long ago Lucifer was the cause
of grave concern in the Yellowstone Park.
At least once week old Lucifer used to
break into the corral and steal choice
pig. He would kill the juicy porl1er, carry
it off, devour what he wanted of the car
cass and bury the rest. Then after a day
or so he would come back and unearth
his provender that he had placed in cold
storage so to speak, in the ground. 1t
got so that Lucifer's weekly raids on the
corral became a sure thing. OF course, as
you probably know, no one can shoot an
animal in the Yellowstone Finally the
authorities became tired of Lucifer's free
lunch habits and decided to trap him.
"A large steel box trap. open at one
end was placed at the spot where Lucifer
had buried the remains of stolen pig.
Brush and green's and other devices to
conceal the work and smell of mans
hands were used to deceive the willy old
bruin. Then the bait was fixed on the
spring within the trap. Old Lucifer came
smeIed around a bit and entered One
pull at the bait and the trap fell. Lucifer
was Enclosed in four steel walls that. as
far as future pig stealing was concerned
rendered him as harmless as a Teddy
bear. Then he was shipped to the Zoo
here.
And there are a number of Interesting
facts about the deer Perhaps it is be-
cause of the name. but most people think
that a deer is just about the dearest thing
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-03-07

thing. that can teach them something
that can at least stake them to a little
human conversation. opposed to mean
ingless ff-chuff-chuff. when they meet
EN-. 1 even know some women who
sort of make it point to hitch with
women friends who have at least as muci
sparkle as a piece of Pennsylvania coke
about 'em. But you-well. where you
get hold of your bunch of brainless mis-
fits-where you pick Up all of these
squeaky-voiced women that go from the
cradle to the grave without ever evolving
a single idea-that's what beats me-
"Well," said Mrs. Jobson, mildly, Il
know that some of them are bound to
talk about things that probably don't in
terest you
You bet they don't interest me- broke
interest me, but they make me tired all
over. They make me feel as if I'd like
to be out in the woods. It's a darned
peculiar thing, when it comes to that,
that a man can't have little enjoyment
out of his own home without having
these gassy women slammng in by the
dozen every night and spelling the whole
thing. Where do you expect that m
getting any fun out of my home?
never have it to myself. I've got to sit
around here and look interested every
night, while you sit and entertain a pack
Of chinny females that don't their
minds any more than if they were pen
gums or weasels. and by the time they're
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-03-07

More florists. perhaps. than flowers
spring up" he said.
In seed shop the other day I heard
one OF these amateurs complain about the
last batch of seeds he had bought. After
he had ended his complaint he began to
ask floral questions.
oh, by the way he said what is a
hardy rose?'
1T is one growled the dealer. that
doesn't mind your wife pulling II up by
the roots every day TO see II it has be-
gun TO grow yet
Vice President Fairbanks at a recent
reception. said OF a certain deplorable con-
dition:
I'VE don't need new laws to correct this
condition. We simply need the old laws
proper enforcement.
1.-The old laws have been construed too
mildly. 1t is like the state Of things in
the Benedictne monks new convent in
Tarragone.
AN Indianapolis friend of mine win
tering in Spain. lunched at the monas-
terry of the Benedictines. After lunch he
took out his cigar case.
- ! don't suppose you object to smoking
here?' he said to the whitehead monk at
tendant.
Yes, sir we do. the monk answered.
There is a law against smoking in the
refectory.'
Then where said my friend, do all
the cigar and cigarette stubs come from
that | see about me-?
From gentlemen who didn't ask about
the law, the monk replied mildly
X X * X x
Mrs Boorman Wells tie famous SUI
fragette, said at ladies' luncheon re-
Gently:
You may ridicule us as you please, but
when we get the suffrage in London we
shan't abuse it as some of your Colorado
women do.
Il heard two Denver men talking at
dinner the other night.
Hello said the first. here's n Phila-
delphia genius has invented buttonless
underwear.
on. that's nothing said the second
I've worn it ever since my wife got a
vote -
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-03-07

around this house. and that's why I'm
wondering all the time where in the
dickens you dig them up
Mrs. Jobson held her fancy work UP
to the light to examine a stitch, but she
wasn't conversational.
Maybe" went on Mr.. Jobson, you
advertise for 'em. That's about the only
way I can figure it out. Probably you
put ads in the papers requesting people
who don't know enough to come in when
it SHOWS to come up here with view to
be taken on your staff of friends if they
answer your requirement by being suffi-
GENTLY brainless.''
Mrs. Jobson smiled but made no reply.
II often wonder. besides" went on
Mr.. Jobson. "how these women friends
of yours get through life at all with the
slender amount of mayonnaise dressing.
instead of brains. that they pack around
with 'em. They sit here and gable
gabble-gabble and chin-chin-chin for three
or four hours. and in all that time nary
thing does any one of 'em say that a
barnyard duck couldn't say heap better
if the duck were fitted with a merely me-
chanical voice
rs it so bad as that?' inquired Mrs
Jobson. smilingly. merely to show Mr.
Jobson she wasn't "sulking.'
Yes. and worse than that went on
ME- Jobson. "a DANCED sight worse
Now. take men: when men pick out
friends for themselves, they're at some
pains to select people that know some
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-03-07
as

urally enough When he recognized me
he lay back in his gaily-c aparisoned gas
gig and staked me TO the long long gioat
for not having listened to his pleadings 10
buy that place back in the gone years. l
came away from there. bowed by a me-
ancholy which isn't showing any signs of
lifting yet.
One of the Cold Kind.
New York is becoming better acquainted
with Gov Hughes. Up to quite
recent time New York had supposed that
Gov. Hughes belonged to the frisd,
hopelessly austere species and that
icicles, so to speak hung from his wins
kers New York admired and respected
him. but it showed distinct tendency to
place him in the class which Mr.. Fair
banks (unjustly, too) seems to have been
placed by universal consent; one of the
cold kind that is to say.
Well, Gov. Hughes isn't one of them
at all He has been attending a heap
ing the past month or so, and he has re-
vealed himself as an entirely different sort
of person from the clammy sort of indvid-
ual he has been mistakenly supposed to
be. Nor can 1t truthfully be said that he
is warming.up out of any intense and alb
sorbing desire to get the republican nom
ination. 1t would be hard to imagine a
man concerning himself less about that
end of it than this same governor of the
Empire state.
In all of his brief or protracted talks at
these banquets and other affairs Gov
Hughes has been anything but q
ponderouS platitudiniZer, to put II that
way. On the contrary, he has shown HIM
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-03-07

lecting the fares: he whistles while he is
stnding on the platform. and 1t is said
he even whistles when he has occasion
to eject an unruly or intoxicated passen-
ger from the vehicle under his charge.
He reminds me of the song known as
The Whistling Moke,' descriptive of a
colored man who whistled when his
mother died.
1.-The degree of motion of the car also
has its influence upon the conductor
the newsman added. when it is bowl
ing along without any regard to the
speed limit law he whistles lively jig or
some ragtime' melody. and when the
car is just creeping along he will whistle
melody. 1t is strange how some men are
affected by certain influences"
x x j; x =
A young attorney in this city, who is
having a hard time to make both ends
meet feels that the fates are working
hard against him. He ran out of money
the other day, and, with his board bill
unpaid. his room rent due and a bunch
of new clothes necessary, the only thing
left for him was the old recourse to the
folks at home"
The young man sat down to write a
letter of appeal and at the same time
he thought he might as well drop the
"girr'' at Philadelphia
The same old mistake happened. and
that's why the young man feels ag-
grieved toward the fates. He accidentally
placed the touching appeal for the money
in the envelope addressed to the girl
The young man is still waiting for re-
sults-from the folks at home.
j: X x X j:
The servant problem popped UP with
quite an amusing and still pathetic as
pect at the new Union station last Sun
day afternoon when the stout. bald-headed
man, standing behind two handsomely
gowned ladies. heard one of them remark
to her companion, Il can't tell why that
southern train is SO late. And I expect
Aunt Lucy, my old nanny on it, toe"
You see," the bald-headed man heard
the woman continue, Eve been unable
to keep a servant, and so 1 sent for old
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-03-07

called out. just at the most indignant
juncture of the proceedings. "Aw. W.
don't youse go home an wash yer
dishes?" That sort of a recommendation
was not only a PROCLAMATION, it was 2
cold douche: and the meeting broke UP
somewhat dismally.
Viewing these manifestations, one
nigh almost be persuaded that the males
of this benighted community are not vet
ready to bestow the ballot upon women
woman out of LOCO wants the ballot; re-
garding which. statistics are at present
somewhat confused and misleading.
If Wall street won't be nice to the suf-
frag!sts, how would the personally con-
Quoted missionary work of the suffra-
glsts be viewed-and treated-in Baxter
and Pell and Mott and Delaney and Null
berry and such awful streets of hoi pol
loi?
Too deep. too northumberland there
can be any answer, anyhow. until some
of the suffragists try those streets Will
they ever try it on in those clammy. I'M
sympathetic streets of the proletariat?
Perhaps-by the time Debs is President.
Get Tips in Time.
Often, in Washington. 1 have met up
with interesting old conference.-the john
Lane, for instance, who, still hale and
hearty at eighty-three, has lived in
Washington since the year 1S31-who
have told me of the marvellous chances
old-time Washngtonians had to become
enormously rich in real estate, had they
possessed the prescience, back in the for
ties and ffties. even vaguely to grasp
what the Washington of the twentieth
century would be like
"Why. back in the fifties," they've
said, showing me patches of the choicest
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-03-07

finally cleared out of here it's time for
me to go to bed, as 1t is now. l wouldn't
mind it if they knew something, but to
have to sit for three or four hours and
listen to the cheap and tiresome tommy
rot of "a
But put in Mrs. Jobson. Il can't be
rude and tell my frienIs to stay away,
can I?'
Il don't care what you do, SOS you
don't fasten EN- upon me- said Mr.. Job
son. Il understand perfectly well that
their gable just tickles you almost to
death, and that you imagine mat you re
really converSing when they're hanging
around here. But that hasn't got any
thing to do with me. Now. =
well" said Mrs. Jobson, "the only
thing that l can do, if you don't like
them, is to tell them all to stay away,
isn't it?"
mo" replied Mr.. Jobson, you don't
have to do anything of the sort. 1 sup
pose all of your friends can't help having
been brought into the world without
enough gray matter to last them over
night, and 1 don't want to deprive you
of the acute enjoyment which you extract
from their companionship, even If they
do make this home a bedlam for me.
But I'll tell you what's coming off
around here. beginning tomorrow night.
I'm going to stay upstairs. You can
have the whole lower floor here for your
self. I'm going to have the upper deck
! for myself. Then you can have all of the
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-03-07
Ks
72NS
When Others Gloat.
except over yonder in Jersey and on Long

When Others Gloat.
This is the argument-not dream argu-
ment, either, for some of the smartest
prophets in this vicinage predict that
within varying periods of years New
| York positively will be given over exclu-
sively to business. Why, even down on
Staten Island they're becoming pretty
chirky about their land There's bound to
be a tunnel down to Staten Island too
one of these days. and there are plenty
of worse places to live around New York
than Staten Island with its fine palisades
and things, were it not for the unspeak-
able Staten Island ferry. So they're hold
ing on down there and waiting. and the
Staten Island children of today VIII re-
alize on the patience of their parents.
Once 1 lived for spell in little house
with a couple of acres of ground around
it. on the outskirts of Hobokep. At that
time l could have bought the whole shoot
ing match, house, ground, peach trees,
pigeon -cote barn and all, for couple of
thousand dollars. In fact. the man who
owned the property used to camp on my
back doorstep at all hours of the day and
night, trying to get me to take 1t Off his
hands I believe that I could have got 1t
from him by paying him deposit OF
Waterbury watch and a secondhand pair
of gum shoes.
1 met him in Hoboken the other after
noon He was riding around in buzz
wagon and smoking perfecto the size of
a conductors baton. He'd just sold that
little piece of property for $4,000, and
was feeling pretty good with himself. nat
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-03-07

gigglers and titterers and gassers in
Washington here every night in the week
If you want to. If you like that sort of
thing, that's just about the sort of thing
that you like; but DON'T
"Oh.'' said Mrs. Jobson, II should
really hate to have you feel that you had
to remain on the upper floor
Get that right, If you please put in
Mr. Jobson. 81 don't have to- do it, or
do anything else that I don't want to;
but 1 just want to, that's all. I want to
get away from this morass Of incense
quentiality that have to plough through
down here. 1 want to flag this freaky
looking crowd of homely, weird-looking
females that you gather around you down
here every night. Now, you can fit up
that alcove off our sleeping room as a
kind of den for me, and do it tomorrow.
That's where I'll pass my evenings here
after. and maybe I'll be able to get about
a nickers worth of comfort out of my
home, anyhow"
II am sure" said Mrs. Jobson, Il am
awfully sorry that you've decided to do
such "a"
"Never mind what you're sorry about"
put in Mr.. Jobson. Just rig up that
upstairs place for me tomorrow and you
can have your freak friends. 1 guess
1 know when I've had enough
Somewhat to Mrs. Jobson's surprise Mr..
Jobson really did take his paper and his
smokes to the second floor right after
dinner the following evening. Three or
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-03-07

<~ ONT ever get the idea that this
aninus against the old govern
ment clerks is confined exclu-
sively to certain quarters of the Capitol,
observed a man who has been faithfully
on the JOB as a government clerk for
nearly forty years without ever missing
q working day. at exists right in the
departments themselves, in the midriffs
OF a certain pinheaded class of younger
clerks. They're pretty raw about it, 700.
I'll tell you a recent incident, coming I'M
der my own eye and ear, to show you
how raw they are about it.
-'One day last week an old departmental
crony of mine-we'ye been working side
by side for nearly forty years-invited
me to take dinner with him at the place
where he lives. He lives in an uptown
boarding house, for his wife died a year
or so ago and he didn't have the heart
10 keep up his home with his life COM
panion gone.
Il went to dinner with him at his board
ms house. It's a pretty good sort of a
boarding house tenanted almost eXClu-
Eively by departmental people men and
women. There We're five or six old-time
government clerks, including my friend
ana myself, at the long table, three or
four women clerks, and couple of young
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-03-07

TvY HEN the Jobsons got back from
A their little trip to the West
w Indies lot of their friends, pre-
dominantly women folks dropped in upon
them to ask them all about it. Mr.. job
son had had so much excitement-includ-
ing two doses of sea sickness-on the ex-
petition that he was a bit peevish when
he pulled up at home in Washington, and
he declared to Mrs. Jobson that he'd
never leave the District of Columbia
again as long as he lived. So, when the
women folks dropped in. Mr.. Jobson
endeavoring to get the hang of the news
again by reading his papers carefully,
was disturbed by their chatter.
Il wonder" he said to Mrs. Jobson
one evening after three or four of tho
women had dropped in Il wonder how
it is that you happen to pick out such a
bunch of tackheads for friends, hey?'
Mrs. Jobson had heard her friends
spoken of in that way by Mr.. job
son before. and she'd never found it of
any use to attempt to defend her friends
to Mr.. Jobson. So she kept still
Worse lot of gabblers and ping-pong
takers that ever 1 heard in my life,
went on Mr.. Jobson. I never see nor
hear such people anywhere else except