The Montgomery advertiser., 1908-09-14
DRIFT OoD
The Disturbed pomieiie.

The Disturbed Domicile.
 Say. you wouldn't think it to look at me that am ten years older this morning than was last night? We'll, if you had the b. ath pounded out of you till you panted like a SIX cyIinder bubble engine and your hair, aach separately anu individually made tSe tS s1sad post on eal, end like t5s-wnat does pins-wea. say, mebbe you wouldn't either. then agaln mebbe you would
 snt 10 get pack to the beginning in that's my fault as Marjie says--al- way Jumping ahead of myself
 fou see MarJie had gone to her dear mommers on our" annual vacation leaving me to myself and to compete r>st q thought) and the cheerfuiness ana warmth of an empty feather bed ana parrot and poodle do and a gas stove and the indigestion. with im- pIlcit instructions to feed and water them well. that is the parrot and the pup-not the gas stove or the indi- gestion-
 So the train bearing my turtle dove. hadn't more than steamed out of the little pigeon box station at FerndalA lso called because there Is nary a fern here) with the dear girl waving sor- rowful au revoirs from ,-e rear plat form than l began 70 feel lump in my conyersation-water pipe and a pe- ouliar dropping about the corners of my cupid's bow which Is the same as that melancholy hurt feeling you al- ways experience when you lose ten dollars on a sure thing
 Well, like the foolish piksr was mixed back to Home sweet Home. kicked the dog through the window and smashed the parrots cage with n God d-bless-our-home' motto, and you can't imagine how a little tnIng like that Nelped my wounded feelings.
 Wounded feelings not at the thought or Marie going to cry on the bosom of her dear mommer but those crocodile tears that blinded my lamps were due to the fact that for two weeks must cook my own meals. which I knew meant slow suicide as my culinary Knowing the longer you boil an egg the softer 1t gets and wasn't cer- tain about that. .--s=s-= Cooks in Ferndale were as scarce ss men at mountain resort or the truta IT. the vocabulary of 8 modern politi- clan.
 Well there is no use in crying over | split milk" I says, it only makes it more watery." with which cheerful re. hection I immediately began to cook | supper.
 Oh the memory of that first meal! you with an account of its -vagaries Only heaven and me and little poodle pup will ever wrest from t. is manly bosom tat awful secret.
 shall only tell you how I washed the dishes as the scheme was of lLch brilliance that I hasten to Inform a weary world of my method.
 It was so simple that a child could operate It. All I had to do was thrust tie soiled dishes under the purp's in quisitive little nose and the hungry little beast did the rest I tell yoi he made short work of 'em--lfcked the | platter clean as 1t were.
 Here was the solution of the servant girl problem and the washing machine | puzzle solved at a stroke.
 It might not suit the taste of the | fastidious. however.
 One swift souse under the faucet and the thing was done
 Eureka!
 and aftsT snklns mess into lit y s:airSSGq placed my feet upon my" carved ma hogany table. Ca liberty which my wife would never have permttted), and tried to comfort my depressed spirits by teaching few choice cuss words to the parrot.
 Polly was an apt pupil-tumbled 10 the pew talk like a Pittsburg steel kings baby boy tumbles to a chorus glrI with grandchildren in Red Bank
 I soon tired. however, of this highly eIeVatlng occupation. and picked up the the DOCK my wife had left open and face downward on the table. It read: "Violets Revenge, or The Triumph of Working Girl" Oh flush and sludge-why will young married i women persist in reading such rot af- ter the are supposed to have settled down in double harness with their souls ideal? Thinking over this prob lem ! must have made a noise like a sound sleeper for some two hours, for the barking of the dog suddenly reused me to my senses and the realization that I had been In dreamland. l hadn't more than turned off the ing act than by naturally keen ear detected a noise like a man prying l open a kitchen window.
 Aha-a burglar" says I. l had never come in personal contact with one of these unique specimens some dealings with a certain life in- surance president. but had read most of the six best sellers and of course was more than prepared to act ac- cording to Hoyle.
 Rap. rap. ri-ii-iip" went the shut lessly left the window open. Surely that burglars a rank piker," says | as l felt under the bed for my double | barrel shot gun. I'll await results Fools rush .in-you know the rest
 A heavy footfali on the kitchen aoor another heavy footfau, that made two "a little Sherlock Holmes work on my l part produced the startling deduction that the burglar possessed two legs i Aha! surely l was cut out for a de- | tective.
 A low growl from the purp: this add ed the necessary local color.
 If was better than moving nfcfura