davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

work up the real kaZuzZ Christmas spirit
without launching the same on tide or
sousefulness
Happily enough, the commonest form OF
the holiday bun In this neighborhood is
OF the benevolent type. And, looking 1t
over. there is nothing very serious about
the holiday jag which prompts its pos
SCISSOR to feel like making the hull cityful
the beneficiares of it's largesse. ] saw
lot of this type of Christmas
rummy yesterday.
One OF them was leaning resolutely
against an awning pole at the corner of
9th avenue and 10Th street. He was mid
die aged. big. well groomed and just
about able to navigate with the occasion
ally kindly assistance of something sta
tionary and upright, like the awning pole
aforesaid
AS he leaned against his pole, obviously
in state of profound reflection on cab
bages and kings and things. small news
boy-the corner is close TO one OF New
York's Little Africas-passed in front Of
him.
Hey. you dinge boy" said the thinker,
reckoning to the boy.
'.Suh?' said the black boy, stopping n
front of the reflective one.
SHAY. hash your wife N fam ly n
kidsh n y'r shishters n y'r coushlns
y'r auntsh got turkey n cranbry shaush
m plum duff n Noah'sh arksh n tin
sholdiersh n candy canesh n mishtletoe
n tn resi- O. tn gear fr Chrishmush
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

fore Christmas and then they led I'D in q
KIND OF sllnky way to telling them the
things they wanted for Christmas gifts.
Why. that Jogby woman on the fourth
moor had the nerve to tell me away last
month that she was just bound and de-
termined that her husband slfuld get her
diamond and emerald lock0G that she'd
deliberately picked out for herself, and
the way she did scheme and plan to lead
him up to that locket and make him buy
1t for her Christmas gift! She had the
Jewelry man exhibit it in a prominent
place n his night display. and then she'd
wall Ter husband on F street past that
jewelry store every night or so, and she'd
call his attention to the locket and hint
around and sigh and look sad and sweet
over it and say that it was a pity that 1t
was so expensive, and that she considered
that such things were only for rich peo-
pie, and that it was a. shame he wasn't
making more money, with all his talent
and that some day she hoped-and then
she'd sigh some more. and she told me
yes. indeedy. the shameless creature act
ually told me all about it!-that she could
see her husbands jaws tightening and
that she just should have that locket.
expensive or not expensive, and, sure
enough, didn't he get 1t for her, although
it must have cost all of two hundred dol
lars. and he'd been having hard luck in
his business-the janitors wife had heard
him talking about it with his wife only
little while before. and the janitors wife
told me-and did you ever in all your born
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

/ was in the barber shop getting shaved.
Don't infict such another slight upon me
or l shall become real peeVtsh with YOU.
There are still big days in Congress.
Of course. when some Legislator with a
reputation for ornate oratory or vitriolic
vituperativeness allows it to become
known we'll in advance of the date that
he is going to uncoil a set speech on some
subject more or less associated with an
affair OF government. On such pyro-
technical days, of course, yo-; read that
the galleries were filed to overf1owing, or
that the damned galleries were so noisy
that the Speaker Cor presiding officeD
several times threatened to have them
cleared by the sergeant-at-arms, and all
like that.
But the so-caIled big days are becom-
ing fewer and farther between, and gener-
ally they are sorely disappointing affairs.
No matter how fiowery or how acidulous
the gentleman under the spotlight on the
floor may be, three or four or five hours
of his uninterrupted tergiversations are
liable to work the most patient auditor
into a state of mental tepefaction wherein
he would willingly exchange his old gold
watch and chain for chance to squirm
out of the gallery.
THE One-man big talk never can and
never does compensate the casual gallery
visitor for what he has learned to expect
and to look forward to on the great oc-
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

lamp. with beaded shade fringe. for $50,
and ordered sent to her 'apahtment-
apartment, indeed!-C. o. D., and would
you believe it. my dear, the woman never
cracked a smile? You'd actually have
farcied that the woman really supposed
that she was buying those things. Then
I went with her and stood by while she
'bought'-bought, indeed-a box of silk
stockings at 81 a pair. for her dear little
niece in Memphis she told me, in her
fourishy way, and-oh, well, ! couldn't
begin to tell you the things that she
ordered G.. o. d.
We'll it was such a bowling joke, my
dear, that 1 just hurried up here to my
fiat to be here when the things should
arrive, I just wanted to be on hand,
deed I did, when all those c. o. u.
things got here. I watched out of the
front window till l saw the department
store wagon along toward o'clock in
the evening, and then the two men with
the wagon came a-staggerlng up with
their arms weighted down with the bum
dies. Then I ran to my front fiat door,
that looks right out on Mrs. Swingby's
entrance door. and she came to the door
when the men with the bundles rang the
bell and she said to the men, as inpo-
cent as you please
..sWhy. what in the wide world are
these things?
'.They told her, of course, and then
she told them. right smack-dab without
a catch in her voice, that she hadn't or
dered any such articles at all, and that
she didn't deal at that department store,
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

days hear of anything like a woman
Dragging, actually Dragging to another
woman of gouging her husband like that!
'I'll tell you this. I'd have to want
q picked-out Christmas gift from my
husband pretty badly before I'd go to
all the trouble Of steering him up to the
point of getting it for me, that l would!
1.-The very idea of lodging around and
limiting about 1t and mollycoddling EN-
and feeding them unusually good things
to eat, like that copout woman down.
stairs does for her husband during the
holidays, and wasting all that time and
bother and trouble! Not for me, dearie!
No, indeedy!
why, on the first Of December said
to my husband at the breakfast table:
'Egbert,' says I. I want set of
lynx furs for my Christmas gift from
you, just the collarette and muff, you
know; and 1 have selected the set want
you to get me, and have had them put
aside at Peltz's, and you're to call there
for them on December "a and 1 told
him how much the set would cost him and
1 invited him to look pretty and amiable
about it,
Now, Egbert of course, like all men.
is kinky and crochety. and he put on the
abused expression which had confidently
expected to see him put on, and he talked
a lot about folks making Christmas
giving a Sordid, cut and dried business;
and he asked me If it ever occurred to
me that there were some men who pre-
ferred to pick out their own gifts for
their wives, and all that sort of nonsense.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

We'll l told him, of course that the
ness was a dead and buried institution
thousand years ago. and that it was
only intended for children who still be-
lieved in Santa Claus, anyhow. but he
looked grouchy and went to mumbing.
1 wasn't worried bit, though / knew
perfectly well that he'd get me my broad
tail furs.
We'll, 1 didn't even mention the gift
again till Thursday morning, and then
before he left for the Office l told him
that he was to drop I'm at Peltz's on his
way home that evening and get me my
furs. Then he mumbled some more about
the cod-booded deIiberateness OF the
scheme as he called it. but I told him
that I'd have my broadtail furs or no
gift at all. Well, he stopped and got
them that evening, and brought them
up himself and tossed them on the COUCH
saying, Here's your furs,' trying to make
out as If he was grouchy, though. OF
course, he wasn't, and / told him | was
going down town to get him some socks
for his Christmas gift. because he needed
them, and asked him for the money TO
get the socks with. and he gave it to me.
and there was no beating about the bush
at all. I believe in doing things the
straightout way, and that's why my hus-
band and l get along so well together.
He says that my strong common sense
wears on him sometimes, but that's
just his talk, my dear, and he knows
that everything L suggest Is for the best,
and that's why he does everything I say"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

year round; always excepting too. tho
large, lolling, cumbersome assortment OF
Afro-Americans who burrow in the gal
leries on the raw days in order to keep
warm.
Little old Washington may not be so
prodigiOusly biase with respect to the
ordinary affairs of life. But Washing
tonians sure are a blase lot in the studied
inattention with which they behold even
the most renowned of the public men
sent by the country in general to the
District of Columbia. If d President or
a Vice President attracts. little OR no
attention on the streets of Washington
from Washingtonians, what chance has
Congress, be it ever busy. to seduce
the Indifferent folk of the District OF
COLUMBIA from their employments to the
all too familiar spectacle OF the legislative
grind under the aegis of the lady of the
dome?
mo chance whatever. The Washing
tonians not only do not regard the legis-
latfve doings as worth the tramp up the
hill or the price of the haul in an electric
car, but they are ever plunged in a state
OF genuine wonder that this American
land contains many tens of thousands
of folks who look almost as expectantIy
forward to a visit to the nashunal halls
of legislashun' good Mohammedans
look forward to their pilgrimage to
Mecca"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

worksh," and he dropped the toy lob
ster to the pavement, stamped on 1t and
broke it into fragments. revealing lot Of
simply arranged springs and wheels.
"Wunnerful, amt it? Triumph O.
shience. thash what I'd call it, 'Chieve-
ment O. 'Merican inventive geniush.
PuZzlin', though Lesh shee how 'noz-
ger one workSh," and then he proceeded
splinters before he appeared to be salts
fled that he had mastered the mechanical
intricacies of their construction Then
he paid about two prices for the takers
destroyed stock out of a huge wad and
walked on muttering:
Funny how Teller en- learn shome-
shng all TIL time. it sure isb"
At a corner across the street on Broad
way from Grace Church a young colored
man stood waiting yesterday afternoon
for buyers for pair of tiny fox terrier
pups. All of the shopping women who
hurried by had something to say about
the cuteness of the pups, but they sheer
ed off when the black owner of the purps
told them that their price was SO each.
An elderly man. clad in heavy frieze
ulster and wearing a somewhat rum
pied silk hat, got his eye on the pups as
he swung by, and he leaned against the
lamp-post and examined their points for
some time before he addressed the owner
of the dogs.
shay he inquired of the black man,
''are zhey zshe real shing-Shaint Ber-
nardsh?'
mo. sub. Desc heah is registuhed fox
tehhiuhs, suh,' replied the pups owner.
well, wash diff rencesh whash zhey
are?" inquired t he elderly man. brusque-
ly "Whash diff rencesh. sho longsh
they're dogs? A dog'sh a dog. More
dog he ish better he fish, Want dog
m'shelf Want two dogsh. F there'sh
anything better'n dog ish two dogsh.
Been wantin' two dogsh fr long while.
NJ wife won't have dogsh round zhe
'partment. But she's gotta have dossh
'roun' 'partment now. Want dogsh. l do
Need dogsh Need dogsh t. soothe m
dishmaI hoursh. Coin t. have dogsh-
two dogsh. How much fr two dogsh?'
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

Not more than a dozen of the more aged
and somnolent senators were on the floor
at the time the cunnin' little mill occurred.
and the galleries. including the cor
respondents gallery. were all but desert
ed. The correspondents, / remember,
brooded considerably over the fact that
neither of the youngish senators had so
much as intimated to airy one of EN-. duly
in advance of the occurrence. that such
fat and spicy-not to say superintendent
was to break out that afternoon on the
Senate floor. Every one OF the cor
respondents received a wire from his
editor ordering him to give detailed de-
scription of Senate scrap as you yourself
saw it. That, of course, didn't put any
seasoned Washington correspondent in
anything remotely resembling quandary.
But the few antique and slumbersome
senator's who had seen the scrap, regard
full of the dignity of the Senate and the
traditions thereof, declined to describe the
encounter by rounds to the importunate
correspondents. fact which accounted
for the scores of amazingly divergent
descriptions of the affair printed in the
form of Washington dispatches.
Il take it mighty unkind of you, son.
jocularly observed an old-time senator to
one Of the participants in the scrap, after
1t was all over, that you permitted this
thing to come to head when you knew
blamed we'll, or should have known, that
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

''Dey's SO apiece, suh." replied the
black man.
IAN RI josh wrap 'em an I'LL
mean t. shay. I'll take 'em along, said
the yearner for CANNES. Il love dogsh.
anyhow. May have t move out o m
'partment an sheparate from m wife.
But I'm goin' t keep theshe two dogsh.
Nobody en- keep me f'om havin' dogsh
when | love dogsh Zhe way l do-not
mush!'
Whereupon the elderly man pulled out
a healthy-lookin roll, skinned an ochre-
hued twenty therefrom and handed it
tiny fox terrier pups, carefully placed one
of them in each big ulster pocket. where
they looked comfortable enough, with
their little sleepy heads sticking out. and
called a taxicab and said TO the chauf-
feur:
Home wish me and nj dogsh. Well
shee what Well shee when we get home
wish dogsh, that what we'll shee!'
Then I came upon holiday bun whose
talk indicated that he hankered TO be
ba -ad and wicked, but who looked far
too good-natured for the part he was
orally assuming. He was declaring him
self at the corner of Broadway and 42d
street last evening.
Trouble wish me-" he was saying to
himself, fish THAT I'm bad. I'm mean.
I'm a hully terror. n thash no lie. I'm
a. catamount, n : eat shnake'sh liversh
FIR breakfast evry mornin O. m life.
I'm mean 'nough Z rob m own trunk.
n I'm huntin' FIR trouble n hull heap
of It, Want fight, thash what ! want.
Want t mark hull lot O. people up FIR
life I'm mean 'nough t. hit hull lot O.
little sawed-off men might. But I'd
pier big onesh. 1 wanta beat up
passed. O. piano moversh an longshore-
men n hodcarriersh' bricklayersh-
wanta beat 'em t. death. Thash me.
Right now. Wowee, but m bad n
mean. I'm josh zhe worsh propshshun
that ever
Just then a big traffic cop who had
been cycling the man who only imagined
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

casion when he makes his first visit to the
galleries of Congress. Red-hot debate,
rafting give and take, the swift exchange
of singing verbal blows. with occasional
lofty flights to the arching empyrean on
the part of one Or other of the fevered
fgurantes-thiS is the sort of thing that
the mass of tourists who visit Washington
during the sessions confidently expect
when they make their first visit to the
Capitol. Mentally framed, they have the
picture of rapt. flushed and exalted gen.
tlemen in tightly buttoned frock coats
always with one hand gracefully poked
in the flap between the first and second
buttons thereof and longish locks and
plenty of billed white shirt front and
black bow ties. standing beside desks
heaped high with huge works of refer
ence. delivering the most tree-nlen-jus
and condnged wallops at the contentious
of their adversaries, Hacking the air with
their well trained arms, summoning the
lightnings Of heaven to witness the We
racity of their statements and the probity
of their motives, the whole works sur
charged with an air of intense excitement
and-weh, and all similar. Consequently,
what wonder should there be that about
nlnety-nine per cent of these Capitol
visitors. when they reach their homes,
VOW and YUM that they found the Con-
gress of their anticipatory dreams to be
a frost and sell and their day at the
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

drinker as much frowned upon as ths
hopeless dopist with his arm gun Is at
present.
Let 1t come. Let il come quick. En-
large the water coolers. shut up the dts
tileries, trample the treacherous grape
into the offended earth. Close the sa-
looms. annihilate the cafes. blow up the
blind pigs and tiyers the speakeas'es and
wet fences, and all the rest of the tribe.
NICK II.. rtim ucnon a. tue Stats. dash Tao
bubble glasses to the ground, denaturize
everything with alcohol in II.
Is this not the day after Christmasr
Is not eggnog subtle, viliainous COM
pound fit only for the unintelhgent? Does
it not slide down without effort. without
warning, with purring, soothing, be-
rumhing influence upon the mind and
body? And does ii not leave the tongue
as fuzzy an army blanket, the head az
large a farm cistern, the body as hot
as chile con carne and the taste in the
human mouth that. that-that--
They say il does all these things But
| really don't know.
IRVING c. NORWOOD.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

ardson Of Georgia and Drummond. he of
the bright, bald head and happy smile.
had a most distressing experience last
Tuesday. He had enticed me into
lunch-time shopping tour, and so instead
of assaulting our internal mechanism with
sissiges and SIGH we romped through a
flock of department stores looking for
something we didn't know what and
never could hope to find.
In one of the Stores-toy department un-
derstood- William Bill picked up a foolish
looking Chinese god arrangement. about
foot high The top stuck in his hand
consist of some twenty-seven diminishing
gods. arranged one within the other. nest
fashion, took tumble. We didn't hear
where it landed and we couldn't find it,
but that didn't strike us as particularly
strange at the time, for the immediate
vicinity was all cluttered up with people
and searching was difficult. Anyhow. we
finally decided that it had rolled under
counter. and quit looking. Exit. we!
At the main door of the store the Hon
orable William Wightman Richardson of
Georgia and Drummond stopped to put up
his umbrella-remember, 1t showed cats
and dogs Tuesday-and the mystery was
solved It rained Chinese gods and god
desses and godlets and godlettesses all
over the scenery. They rolled into the
gutter and through gratings and under
peoples feet and everywhere else. And it
took us ten minutes to pick them up.
which we had to do under the eyes of
some sniffy elderly females who had seen
the stuff fall out of the umbrella and who
had their own views as to our characters
and profession.
Finally we got the gods all nested again
and took them upstairs to the toy de-
partment, with an explanation.
Suffering Moses" Quoth the Honorable
w. w. r. of G. and D., as we started back
to the office, $50 hep me I'll never take
any stock in circumstantial evidence
again. Just think! wouldn't 1t be fierce
to be pinched on Suspicion of having shop
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

Capitol keen disappointment?
1T is. in my opinion. pretty we'll within
the mark to say that the Congress of the
United States, except at quite extraor-
binary periods-of which there are mighty
few-fs just about as uninteresting and
devoid of diversion as any of the others
of the worlds parliaments. The American
House of Representatives. as matter of
fact, does not begin to offer the amount
OF entertainment to the galleries that is
furnished by the British house of COM
mons. where far more legislation origi-
mates on the floor and where debate Is in
no wise so carefully restricted, not to say
absolutely choked off, by the rules, as It
is in our lower chamber.
Members Of the diplomatic corps in
Washington are fully cognzant of this
fact. which explains why, as you'll have
observed. the galleries set aside for the
exclusive occupancy of the diplomatists
are hardly ever occupied. from a sessions
beginning to it's end by as many as one
representative in Washington of for
eign government.
1.-The Washingtonians know IT. too
leave it to them! You may rake the gal
leries of Congress with a fine-toothed
rake on any ordinary day of a session
without ever capturing bona fide resi-
dent of Washington, unless he happens
to work there, of course like the cor
respondents who live in Washington the
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

before in the entire progress of his jour-
ney through life. Then he wabbled over
to the Greek.
SHAY" he inquired. will they burn?'
The Greek. probably not getting it.
grnned and showed his milky teeth. The
money burner deliberately removed his
cigar from his mouth and pressed the
lighted end against one of the balloons.
There was a puff a small soaring column
of flame and the strings to which the
balloons had been attached fell Imply op
the Greeks arm. There wasn't anything
left of the Greeks stock in trade but the
strings. The Greek was too much as
tonished to say word. He merely gazed
at the singed strings on his arm and then
gazed mournfully at the man with the
Christmas bun. The latter looked dec
lighted.
Well. if That washn't greatr' he said,
his countenance creased in grins Quick
action FIR feller'sh coin. Thash what
I'm huntin' f'r-quick action. Shay,
Demoshthenesh how mush?"
1.-Two dolla'," said the Greek, beginning
to chirk up and look cheerful over what
he perceived was quick sel-out at
about three times the usual profit.
Two bonesh ish like fndin' fun said
ever shaw. Here'sh the dough Fl
you re here in couple hour sh wish shome
more balloonsh We'll do shome more
tradin'," and he plodded on in search of
other means whereby to unburden him
X x
Then I had a view of a Christmas bun
with a destructive streak in his system.
At 9Th avenue and 14th street he got his
eye on some of those realistic mechanical
Holsters that the street fakirs were ex-
hbiting on the pavements. The Christ
mas souse stood and watched the back
and forth movements of the walking lob
sters for some time before he invaded
the exhibition ring of one Of the fakirs
and picked up one Of the natural-looking
Holsters.
''Thish ish great shtudy in mechanical
geniush,' he said. as If to himself study
ing the toy lobster with profound inter-
est ''How'sh it done? Lesh shee in
shide. Lesh shee worksh. Musht shee
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-12-26

who, on occasion. was known to be a
somewhat violent man.
Look here, what's the reason you don t
pay this doctors bill?' demanded the Sec
rotary lis there any good reason why
you don't pay it? How many besides
Yourself have you got to support?'
Nine besides myself" replied the
clerk, considerably a-skeeart. -Four that
came singly. and two sets of twins. And
then my wife. of course
1.-TWO sets of twins. did you say?' de-
manded the Secretary. well, that's do
ing pretty well by the country, blamed II
it isn't How far apart were those sets
of twins?'
Bout year and a quarter between
each batch, SIR" replied the clerk on the
carpet.
The Secretary reflected.
and he inquired, did the doctor who
sends this collector here officiate on all
of these interesting occasions"
Yes sir-that's mostly what his bill is