The Huttig news., 1908-06-13
A STATUE OF
 PENN Whitaker Wanted a Few Aitera-
 tons Made

idence of Jackson, Quaker, who died recently near our town; and a very handsome marble statue of William Penn was knocked down to Whitaker, who keeps a lager beer garden a square or two above me. He had the statue carted over to the marble yard, where he sought an interview with Mf. Mix, the owner. He told Mix that he wanted that statue fixed up somehow sos twould represent one of them heather gods" He had an idea that Mix might chip the clothes of of Will liam and put Tyre or club in his hand, 'sos he might pass muster as Apollo or Hercules"
 But Mix said that he thought the difficulty would be in wrestling with Williams hat
 It was marble hat. with rim big enough for a race course, and Mix said that although he didn't profess to be much on heather mythology, as a general thing, still it struck him that Hercules, in broad-brimmed hat, would attract attention by his singu- larity, and might be open to criticism
 MT. Whitaker said that what he really wanted with that statue when he bought it was to turn it into Venus, and he thought perhaps the hat might be chiseled up into some kind Of a halo around her head
 But Mix said that he didn't exactly see how he could do that when the rim was so curly at the sides. A halo that was curly was just no halo at all. But, anyway, how was he go- ing to manage about Penn's waist. coat?
 1t reached almost to his knees, and to attempt to rush out a barelegged Venus with halo on her head and four cubic feet of waistcoat around her middle, would just ruin his busi- ness. It would make the whole hu- man race smile
 Then Whitaker said Neptune was a god he always liked, and, perhaps, Mix could fix the tails of Penns coat some how so that it would look as if the fig ure was riding on dolphin; then the hat might be made to represent sea- weed and fish spear could be put in the statues hands
 Mix, however, urged that white marble hat of those dimensions, when cut up into seaweed, would be more apt to look as if Neptune was coming home with a load of hay upon his head; and he said that although art had made gigantic strides during the past century, and, evidently, had a brilliant future before it., 1t had not yet discovered a method by which shadbelly coat, with flaps to the pockets, could be turned into any thing that would look like dolphin. Then MT. Whitaker wanted to know If Pan wasn't the god that had horns and split hoofs, with shaggy look to his legs; for if he was he would be willing to have the statue made into Pan, if it could be done without too much expense.
 And MT. Mix said that while noth- ing would please him more than to produce such a figure of Pan. and while Williams square-toed shoes, probably, might be made into cloven hoofs without very strenuous effort, still he hardly felt as if he could fix up those knee-breeches to resemble shaggy legs; and as for trying to turn that half-acre hat into pair of horns, MT. Whitaker might as we'll talk of emptying the Atlantic ocean through a stomach pump.
 Thereupon MT. Whitaker remarked that he had concluded, on the whole. that it would be better to split the patriarch up the middle and take the two halves to make couple of little Cupids. which he could hang in the bar-room with string, so that they could appear to be sporting in air If MT. Mix could put a pair of wings on each of them, why, so much the better; but if he couldn't, very we'll Perhaps the flap of that hat might be sliced Up into wings, and glued on the shoulders of the Cupids.
 But MT. Mix said that while nobody would put himself out more to oblige a friend than he would, still he must say, if his honest opinion was asked, that to attempt to make Cupid out of Penn would be childish, because if they used the half one way, there would be very small Cupid with a very long leg; and if they used 1t the other way, he would have to cut Cupid's head out of the calf of Will. Hams leg, and there wasn't room enough, let alone the fact that the knee-joint would give the god of love the appearance of having a broken back As for the wings, if the man had been born who could chisel wings out of the flap of hat, all he wanted was to meet that man, so's he could gaze on him and study him.
 So, finally, Whitaker suggested that Mix should make the statue into an angel and sell it for an ornament to a tombstone.
 But Mix said that if he should in- suit the dead by putting up in the cemetery an angel with a stubby nose and a double chin, that would let him out as manufacturer of sepulchers
 And so Whitaker sold him the statue for ten dollars. and Mix sawed it up into slabs for marble-top tables.