Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-05-10

stress or daily lire. ana whenever Si0
| put IT on there came win it the feelings
| Of her youth. All her old memories ana
old faiths and old hopes were renewed
again
| 1t was on one OF these occasions that
she had gone with Harold, into the
cussion regarding God and the angel
Lady Heply had been giving a great gar
| den party. chiefly to the Members of the
hunt. and had asked that all should
whom she was very fond, she had made a
| special request:
| IT want you, my dear. to come in your
pretty red habit that you wore on the
first day of the hunting Your father
says you may come as it is only a garden
party, and there will be lots of young
girls who. like you. are not yet out. In
deed, the dress being unusual. will show
that IT is an exceptional occa aston. Lady
Heply was very proud of her young kins-
woman. and knew right well that there
would be no mora attractive figure in her
garden than the young heiress Of Nor
manstand
1t was a gallant cavalcade that swept
up the long avenue of Heply ROYAL, be
tween the double lines of century cid
oaks, that June afternoon. Squire Nor
man. with Harold beside him. both on
their great black horses, and Gilbert
Rowly on his chestnut. Between her
father and her uncle. on her white Arab,
all life and animation. Stephen rode with
an exultlns spirit. which seemed to shine
through her in radiant color. Behind,
riding abreast, came the four lack-clad.
splendidly mounted groonls their horses
hoofs making rhythmic time on the hard
sand
When Stephen was about sixteen she
went for short visit to Oxford She
stayed at Somerville with Mrs Eserton,
an old friend Of her mothers. who was A
professor at the college She sent back
her maid who had travelled with her. as
she knew that the college girls did not
| have servants of their own The visit
was prolonged by mutual consent into a
duration of some weeks Stephen fell in
love with the place and the life. and had
serious thoughts of Joining the college
herself. Indeed. she had made up her
mind to ask her father to allow her
knowing we'll that he would consent to
hers But then came the thought that he
would be all alone al home. and follow
ing that came another thought. and one
of more poignant feeling He was alone
now! Already, for many DAYS. she had
left him, for the first time in her life.
Stephen was quick TO act: we'll she knew
that at home there would be no fault
found with her for a speedy return
Within a few hours she had brought her
visit to end and was by herself. de-
spite Mrs. Egerton's protest. in the train
on the way back to Worcester
In the train she began to review. for
the first time. her visit to the university.
All had been so strange and new and de-
lightful to her, that she had never stop
ped for retrospect. Life in the new and
enchanting place had been in the moving
present. The mind had been receptive
only. gathering data. for later thought.
There was something in the stir and
movement, the endless shifting of the
pieces which made up the Kaleidoscope of
life. ever bringing up new thoughts. new
emotions, new experiences; new COM
binations of thought and emotion and ex-
perience in endless variety, till the brain
reeled. 1t was like trying to understand
and formulate into memory a glimpse of
a new ana strange world During her
visit she had had no one to direct her
thought. and so il had been all personal
with the freedom of individuality al large
OF course her mothers friend skilled in
the mind workings of average girls. and
able TO pick her way through intellectual
and moral quagrires, had taken good
lectuaI movements and certain moral les
sons; just as she had in their various
walks and drives pointed out matters of
interest-arc hitectural beauties and spots
of historic import. And she had taken in.
Loyalty accepted and thoroughly assinli-
lated all that she had been told But
there were other lessons which were for
her young eyes. facts which the older
eyes had ceased TO notice, if they had
ever noticed them at all The self-con-
lcnts the sC1-CCHLtnI III the SuOieSS tlCS
Of young men that thronged the streets
and quads and parks: the all-sufficing ma
ture of sport or study TO whichever their
inclinations tended. The small part
which womankind seemed to have in
their lives. Stephen had had, as we
know. peculiar training. whatever her
instincts were. her habits were largely
boy habits. Here she was among boys.
glorious tide OF them; It made now and
again her heart beat to look at them.
Az xh.r ell ~t,1
an outsider. She could not do anything
better than any Of them. OF course. each
time she went out. she became conscious
of admitting glances. she could not be
woman without such consciousness. But
II was as a girl that men looked at her,
not al an equal. And somehow. urcon-
sciously at first. but afterward more, If
not quite. consciously. she found in her
self a tendency to look up to admire.
There was some strange want In her
something which she did not know. which
was new to her. which was full Of deli
cious, dangerous negation of self not
pain, not joy, not sorrow nor regret, not
longing. but whose prolonged sensation
was ended in tears a sort of divine dis
satisfa ction with self which comes when
sex begins to stir. All this had not been
thought of in the whirl of new life, when
every breath drawn was a gush OF fresh
excitement. But It all went into that
great storehouse which we call memory.
The review of it was to come later, when
little things and big all jumbled together
in the maelstrom would be separated;
when each placed in proper isolation
would assume its true proportion. For as
well personal experience and the les
sons of eyes and ears and intelligence.
there were other things TO classify and
adjust; things which were entirely from
the outside Of her own life. The fras
rnents of comn,on-rcon gossip, which "
had been her fortune to hear accidentally
now and again. The half condolences of
scandals. borne on whispered hreaths
The whole condolences OF dormitory and
study. which she had been privileged TO
share All were parts of the new and
strange world. the great world which
had sWum into her ken
As she sat now in the train, with some
formulation Of memory already accom-
plished in the two hours of solitude her
first comment spoken half audibly. would
have surprised her teachers as much as II
would have surprised herself. ~ she had
been conscious of IT, for as yet her think
ing was not self-conscious.
Surely ] am not like that"
II was of the women she had been
thinking, not Of the men The glimpse
which she had had of her own sex had
been an awakening to her, and the awak
ening had net been 70 a pleasant world
All at once she seemed TO realize that
her sex had defects-littlenesses. mean
resses. cowardices, falsenesses. That
their occupations were apt to be trivial
or narrow or selfish. that their desires
were earthy, and their tastes coarse, that
what she held to be goodness apt 70
be realized only fear. That innocence
was but ignorance. or at least bafied