davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Hopkinsville Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1889-1918, 1908-12-17
Not improbable.

A we'll known scientist was telling
young woman about snries of ex-
periments he had been recently max
ing with the microphone. 'The micro
phone" he explained "magniiies
sounds to the ear as the microscope
magni6es objects to the eye The foot
falls of centiped heard through the
microphone resemble tattoo on a
kettledrum. The dropping of pin Is
like the report of cannon"
"That is very interesting and odd, "
said the girl.
"This afternoon" resumed the scien-
fist 81 caught a fly and studied ~
note, which resembles the neighing ct
a horse"
Perhaps" said the girl, sit was a
horsefy."-New York Press.
The game of golf was put down by
an act of parliament In Scotland In
1871 as a nuisance. Then fines were
inflicted on people who were found
guilty of playing the game, for 1t in
terfered with the practice Of archery,
as men preferred welding the club to
pulling the bow.
Hopkinsville Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1889-1918, 1908-12-17
Seeing Santa Claus
By LAURA FROST ARMITACE.

ncopyright, 1908 by American Press Asso
ciation.l
Hopkinsville Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1889-1918, 1908-12-17

adys (after awhile)-How my arm
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1908-06-04

JOHN TOOK AN OAR AND PUSHED OFF.
you would see that she's just flirting
with you
But it did no good to warn him. He
insisted that she was the incest girl
who ever happened and that she would
as soon commit murder as trifle with a
mans affections
Very we'll" said l. at must he
some time and it may as well be now.
while you are young and have strong
constitution"
The Castle girl was certainly very
nice to John when you take into con.
sideration what clumsy, awkward
fellow he was and how unkindly ma
ture had dealt with him touching his
face She played croquet with him all
the next forenoon. and in the after
noon. when he asked her if she would
like to go out rowing with him. she
said she would be just delighted to do
so. John had never rowed IA boat. but
of course that didn't matter.
John braced an oar against the pier
and pushed off. The impetus sent the
boat perhaps fifteen feet out Then.
with an air of determination. he grasp
ed the oars. He let one of them fall
lightly into the water and pulled very
hard The result was that he lifted the
oar just above the girls ear and turned
half Il pinr of water down the back Of
her neck. She smiled. but her smile
seemed to lack spontaneity. He took
a fling at the other oar and deposited
another half pint in her lap. These
little Irregularities made him nervous
and embarrassed. so that at the next
stroke he missed the water altogether.
aud the oar swung around and struck
her on the side Of the head with great
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1908-06-04
A Matter Of:
Business,
BY Arthur DenSmore.
Copyright, 1907. by G II. Richard J
son.
BY Arthur DenSmore.
44x44K4&&4&4&K&&E4xx4xA4x

"WXYE will go to HenS!ow Beach
~ this summer" said my
Wv wife We will coax John
to go with us There are
always great many nice girls there,
and who knows what may happen?"
John is my wife's brother He is a
guiet, retiring young man and very
bashful. He does not care for girls.
At least he says he doesn't
My wife and her mother thought
John ought to marry because he was
thirty and received Il salary of $1,000
a year. They threw hints at him for a
year or two, and then they came out
into the open and argued with him.
But John said he was very comforta-
bly, situated in bachelor quarters.
My wife showed less enthusiasm
over the matter | think she feared
John would end. rs young men who
Keep aloof from young ladies. and con
Sequently don't understand the game,
commonly do. by marrying some en-
tirely impossible person. Probably she
set the Henslow Beach plot in motion
merely to humor her mother Nobody
who knew John and looked at the sit
uation in anything approaching an I'M
biased way could imagine that ne
would be in any danger at Hcnslow.
For my own part. knew that he would
take a dip cOnscicntiOuSly every day,
spend the rest of his time in a shady
nook reading the six best selling nov
els and return to the city without hay
ing increased by so much as a single
one the number of his acquaintance.
When | made that calculation ! had
never heard of the Castle girl. saw
her first on tbe evening we arrived.
She was sitting at the end of the hotel
piazza. and John was seated near her
They were engaged in conversation.
I | felt it my duty to find out who the
girl was | didn't intend to let my in
nocent young brOther-in-Iaw fall into
the clutches of a designing woman.
found that she was daughter OF Tom
Castle of Chicago who had been a
millionaire. but owing to an ambitious
: attempt to corner the pork market
was one no longer; also learned that
besides being remarkably pretty, she
was cultured. refined and educated.
At the first opportunity | asked John
how he had become acquainted with
her He didn't seem to know. He
hadn't made any advances. he said.
; and he was sure she hadn't They had
just happened to meet Then he be
gan talking about afiinities and some
other rot. and | saw the disease had
attacked him
Nov see here" said 1. you don't
know ANYTHING about girls If you did
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1908-06-04

the previous evening and that 7
thought he had inst cause for COM
plant, whatever his view OF it might
be. At any rate she came over to the
corner of the dining room where | was
standing just before my departure and
began conversation
Il suppose he has told you all about
it," she said
He has" said |.
Perhaps YOU think | nirted with
him. she went on.
Il DO" said |.
Il didn't mean any harm" said she
Girls never do" said |.
ITS an exceptional case" said she.
Can you keep a secret?"
AS well as the next man and better
than any woman" said l.
She looked about her a trife fear
fully as though she had an idea what
she was about to say might be over
heard
Suppose we go out on the piazza, :"
she said
We had the greater part Of the piaZ-
"a to ourselves. | tried to remain in
dignant at her. but | made an hitter
failure Of it. She had Il trick Of smii-
ing at you and acting as though she
regarded you in the light of a big
brother in whom she could safely con
tide that was Irresistible.
You see" sue said. papa was quite
wealthy once, but he took a plunge in
the market and lost it all. He's in the
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1908-06-04

real estate business now. That's the
final refuge, you know-the last stop
ping place on the route to the aims
house-the real estate business or per
haps canvassing for life insurance.
Il felt | must do something. Papa
didn't wish it. but | insisted. Still |
didn't know what to do | had never
studied shorthand, and hated the
thought Of being a telephone operator.
One day friend of mine who knew
my perpleXity said to me: Why don't
you go somewhere as a social enter
tainer: Eleanor Bracket has done
grandly at it
And what might a social enter
tainer be- said l.
Why she said, at summer hotels.
you know. there are apt to be people
who are reserved and unsocial and
Others who form cliques. The result is
that great many guests go away dis
satisfied and say the place is dull and
the people who frequent it disagree
able, and of course that damages the
hotel proprietor's chance of heavy pat
ronage the next season. The social en-
tertainer circulates about among the
guests, breaks up cliques, pulls the
clammy and retiring people out of their
corners and pushes them into CONVEX
sation and keeps things generally
mixed up and lively.
lit looks like rather large order.
said l.
1t is, said she. but you can fill it.
You get the best of everything at the
hotel and good salary besides Flea
nor has turned down half dozen good
offers for this summer. She can find
you an opportunity, and after a season
or two you'll do awfully Well
81 spoke to Eleanor about it, and she
told me the proprietor of the Look
away House at Henslow Beach had
one of these positions open. | wrote to
him. and he said could come on and
try it and if | did well | should be
compensated accordingly. He's a very
practical man. and he doesn't pay for
the purely imaginative. The evening |
arrived he pointed out your brother-in-
law.
He's just come down here said
he. Start in on him. don't know
anything about him. but he looks like
fair subject for test If you can
draw him out of his shell and get him
to dance about and spend his money
foolishly. as a young man should. I'll
employ you regularly
$50 just did the best | could to give
Mr.. Simpkins good time never
once thought of firting with him, and
I didn't dream he was taking things so
seriously. did so want to make
good"
well, you've certainly done it,"
said |.
81 do feel sorry for Mr.. Simpkins,
though VIII he really take it very
hard, do you think? Those quiet chaps
often have it the worst, you know.
Why, | remember Harry, but of course
| mustn't tell"
detected Just the slightest naughty
lowering of her eyelid
'He said he'd never be the same man
again." she said.
thought of several idiotic incidents
in Johns past life.
81 hope Ae won't" said 1.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1908-06-04
Twas a Grand Evenin'

There is an old Scotch keeper of the
Carlyle house on the Chelsea embank-
ment in London who still rehearses
punctiliously the story of Tennyson's
visit to Thomas Carlyle: 'In this room
it was, sir, that Mr.. Carlyle and Mr.
TennysOn spent a long evening, each
smOkn' his pipe and neither of them
speakin word. And after three hours,
when Mr.. Tennyson rose to go, Mr..
Carlyle said to him, It's grand even
in we've spent. Alfred, a grand even
in And Mr.. Tennyson. he just said,
too, "A grand evenin',' and went out"
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1908-06-04
At the Opera.

Good morn, signor. You looka bright
For wan OATS out so late las night.
Oh, yes, | see you wen you came
Fen opera house for La Boheme."
l. too was dere. Eth? Eet was grandr
You bat my life OATS true, my frand.
You are surprise an so delight
For dat dey seeing so good las nightf
All, you would see
Why dat should be
Eef you could know so mooch as me.
You eva hear da love more strong
Dan speak las night through ezra song,
Through evratheeng dey say an do
Dat max da story plain to you?
You know. Get ees not only art
Dat breeng ia music from da heart.
You s'pose dat art ees only theeng
Max Angela SO good to seeing?
All, you would see
Dat could not be
Eef you could know so mooch as me-
oh, Angela ees seeing so sweet
Your heart eenside your breast ees beat
Eth? Angela? You don'ta know?
She's pretta girl cen firsta row.
Weeth face so sweet an form so grand
An di'mon' reeng on lefta hand.
You deed not see? You mess treat
She ees da heart an soul Of eet!
All. you would see
Why dat should be
Eef you could know so mooch as me.
IT. A. DAILY In Catholic Standard and
Times.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1908-06-04
A TRAGEDY.
Amusing Incident of a Politicians
Stay at Certain Hotel.


hotel proprietor in Kansas City
once told of an amusing incident con-
nected with the stay at his house of a
rural politician of Missouri
The politician had come to the hotel
for but one day. and he had taken his
dinner elsewhere with friend. When,
on coming to pay his bill, he found
himself charged with 4 days board,
dinner and all, he protested vigorous
ly. 1t was explained to him that the
American plan was based strictly on
time and that if he chose to eat else
where it was his own lookout The
man, however, refused to be pacified
and paid the bill under protest Then,
to every ones surprise he asked il
dinner were still on" Upon being in
formed that it lasted until 0 in the
evening he exclaimed:
I've eaten one dinner. but I'm go
ing to get my moneys worth out OF
this house if ! suffer all the torments
of dyspepsia"
He then rushed into one of the din
ing rooms, seized a bill of fare and or
dered everything he could think of.
When he finally reached his limit, the
waiter handed him a check for $3.50.
whats that for:" he demanded.
"Your dinner, sir"
But have already paid for my din
ner in my bill" protested the unfOrtu-
nate man. Il am staying here on the
American plan"
Then yoU should have gone into the
other dining ROOM said the waiter.
"This is the European plan cafe."-
Harper's Weekly.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1908-06-04
DOVSER'S FOOD TALK
Figures to Show That Man Eats
Too Much.
MEAT AS HEALTH DESTROYER

Is Directly Responsible For One Hun
dred Thousand Victims In America
Every Year, Says the Old PhiIoso-
phsr.
Copyright. 1903, by T. c. McClure.l
Home, eh:" saluted Mrs. Bowser as
Mr.. BOwser arrived from the Office the
other evening. We'll the cook has got
one OF the incest dinners we have had
for week. and it's waiting for you
Mr.. BOwser grunted and took par
Gel from his overcoat and carried it
down to the table Then he made a
great display of removing the paper
and brought to light a carrot and a
turnip
Isn't it too early in the season to be
gin making garden" asked Mrs Bow
ser. with smile
NO one is going to make garden
These vegetables are to constitute my
dinner tonight. Tomorrow night | shall
bring others have got through max
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1908-06-04
A SLY Poke.

"Bessie Butte brags so much about
her cOnquests," began Goldie Hoamley.
'Of course she's more attractive to the
men than |. but
Not at ALL" interrupted Vera Cut
ting.
$50 sweet of you to say that, but
know she is
NONSENSE! Why, she hasn't nearly
SO much money as you have."-Cath-
Ollie Standard and Times.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1908-06-04
A Beauty ParIor,

There was a long silence.
Gerald she said, breaking the mo-
notony. what is a beauty parlor?"
"a beauty paror my dear?" he
whispered, moving closer. why, this
is beauty parlor'"
"The idea! Why SOP"
"Why, any parlOr would be a beauty
parlor if you We're in it."
And after that the rest was easy.
She accepted him on the spot.-Detrolt
Tribune.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1908-06-04
AS He Did Money,

"Say, Borroughs." remarked the busy
merchant, apparently you believe that
time is money"
SIS that sarcasm?" inquired Bor-
roughs, who realized that his visit had
been rather prolonged.
well, I was just thinking that
you're using somebody elses time"..
Philadelphia Press.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1908-06-04
No Protection.

Hes just hypocrite. Isn't it dis
gushing for a man to use his religion a.
a cloak"
Yes; and. what's more it's foolish
for religion such as his is necessarily
so flimsy that he's liable to catch colo
in t."-Philadelphia Press.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1908-06-04
The Only Thinu Possible.

"My wife insisted upon my attend
ing her pink tea yesterday afternoon,
and | simply had to swear under my
breath"
"Why. how was that?"
"What else could | do? There were
ladies' present."-Catholic STANDARD and
Times.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1908-06-04
No Chance For Romance.

He-And is there no hope that you
can ever learn to love me?
She-None whatever. My family Is
too strongly in favor OF yOu.-Kansas
City Times.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1908-06-04

inc , ronagaria of my stomach md
dns+roy;D., NV baoI+b and sl,o,tori,,.,
nv vaore
And Ga vo, ara ,-oi,,,, 70 +,,,.,, 70
horse and COW. fo.ds,,
- am ooing to t,,,.n to sonsihIo things
TO tba food that r,t,,ra in+ord.d mn,
n 1.-Two nm ond has ca ho,,n+ifrgl, mo
vjded for his sustanouca Mrs Bowsar
I can show Won statistics tho+ would
mako Won chill with horror"
nAhoit wharf"
"Ahon+ the v,v that uine-toutb. of
tbe world arc LIVING todav and Lilrina
themselves off hv foo much ooti,,o-I,,
aating tbiprs thar nature. na,.or i,,tani
ed should ba eatap mia Adam aot
roast beef"
"pnrhuns not"
You know ne didn't Did Eve eat
mashnd nntatonss MIA Gain or Abai
hno down s,.,lInnaa o,storss U.o,
there = rico uudding with raisins in if
AWAITING Ham, Nfoo+s ora di,o,.t,,. va
sponsible for 1Ooono deaths in Amor
i,.a avarv vn,r NIinna MICS I'm off
400 oOo puddinos narisb off half 40
many more Death st,ras in fin. f,ca
every man thar oats . hroiIed Iohstar
Rakers' bread kills moro than tho cboI.
ero Ruttnr has s,auohtarad thousands
of families and 81 on througb tha list
| fell Won woman tho world is Iivino
ON tho brink Of g nracinica nc If wore
The human stomach has reached IFS
limits Dvsnensio indioesrjon and
death are raa riug tboir bvdr, haads In
everv land in tho univarsa and If is
time TO cau = halt"
And turn to carrots and trrpin.g"
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1908-06-04
Stomach Feels Better.

Very well. Go ahead and kill your
self if you will. but | shall go my way
My stomach already feels better than
it has for whole year"
Mrs Bowser said no more. She ate
heartily of the food before her, and
Mr.. Bowser chanked away on his veg
etables and tried to look and act as IL
he enjoyed them. At any rate, he
found himself filled up after time
and he went up TO the sitting room to
smoke and read the paper. An hour
later, when Mrs. Bowser was deep in
a book and the family cat had made
up its mind that there would be moth
ing doing that night, the vegetarian
gave a sudden start.
ITS the cats In the back yard" said
Mrs. Bowser as she looked up.
But it wasn't Five minutes later
there was a second start. followed by
something like a groan. The start and
groan were suppressed as much as
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1908-06-04
possible. but Mrs. Bowser looked uu

possible. but Mrs. Bowser looked up
again to ask:
Were you thinking of how your
brother Ben fell from a tree and broke
his neck? Poor Benz"
Mr.. BOwser simply glared at her in
reply. 1t was a glare so icy cold that
il would have kept the kitchen refrig-
orator going for a week. Five OF six
minutes passed, and then the gentle
man with the thrilling statistics rose
up with "a real groan and stood half
bent over. with hand on his stomach.
Hungry again. dear? | guess | can
find a parSnip around somewhere. If
not, I'm sure there's head Of cabbage
in the house"
'Say-say-something is gripping me
like blaZes. I'll be hanged if
You must be mistaken. Mr.. Bowser.
All you ate for dinner was raw
turnip and a carrot and nature sup
piled both for mans food. Don't you
remember how good your stomach felt
when you got Trough
But | tell you I've got a case of
collie" he shouted as he walked up
and down. ouch. Shes coming
faster and harder! Do something for
me or I'll be a dead man within an
hour"
Don't alarm yourself. Mr.. Bowser
You may have swallowed the stub of
your cigar when you gave that first
start or it may have come from getting
your feet a little damp. 1t surely can't
come from the carrot and turuip. We
can't find a thing in the Bible about
natures food giving Adam the collie
Shall l 20 down to the kitchen for the
cabbagc:"
NO he Numbered between two
pains.
Il could just as well have got a
squash or a pumpkin today if I'd
known about your change of diet"
''Woman"-
And then the pain took hold of him
and turned him pale and brought the
sweat to his forehead, and he stagger-
ed around and finally fell upon the
louns and stretched out and groaned:
But what is it, dear? Did you step
on tack or something's
"Step on a tack! Good heavens,
can't you see that l am twisted up in
knots with a bilious coic?"
But it can't be that" she protested.
Bilious collie comes from eating some
thing that is indigestible. You ate
nothing for dinner except a turnip and
4 carrot-uatureS foods Adam and
Eve ate the same things. and like
enough some raw potatoes and corn
stalks on top of them, and yet they
didn't have bilious collie"
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1908-06-04
Was zone on Him"


Mr.. BOwser heard, but did not reply
He realized that it was zone on him"
and he determined to die on the spot
before utteriug another groan The
pains ceased for moment, ana he be
gan to plan how to make Mrs. Bow
ser'S heart ache. but before he had
perfected anything his knees were
suddenly drawn up to his chin and he
was forced to indulge in a sort of war
whoop. Then she went to the tele-
phone and called up the doctor and
asked him to come in haste. As she
returned to the vegetarian he asked in
a weak voice:
do you think am going to die?"
"Why should YOU" she replied IF
YOU had been eating roast beef, mashed
potatoes, rice pudding and such things
it would be different, and | should say
that nothing could save you, but you
only INDUCED in the food that gave
Adam the strength to take elephants
by the tail and swing them around his
head. Oh, no! The rest of US may die
off, but you will live on"
Fifteen minutes later the doctor ar
rived. He struck the trail at once, and
when he had eased the pains somewhat
he asked:
"See here. Bowser, what nonsense
have you been up to now:'
Il ate carrot and turnip for
dinner"
You ass! Why didn't you eat your
shoes to finish up on"
Doctor, he has decided to return to
natures foods" said Mrs. Bowser.
"Oh. he has. has he? Well, the next
time he tries this thing on he can call
some other doctor | don't include
idiots in my practice!" NJ. QUAD.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1908-06-04

wv We will go to HenSlow Beach
~ this summer" said my
wife. we will coax John
70 ,rN 'Nb>r., ma,
The Detroit times., 1908-11-30
CHAMPIONSHIP CUBS
MAY GO TO CUBA

CHICAGO, Nov. 30.-The twice
worlds champion Cubs may go to Gu
ba next spring for series of games
with some of the leading Cuban teams
before the regular champion season
opens. President Charles w. Murphy
Is back from a three weeks stay In
Havana and reports baseball Is the
leading sport OF the island and IL
drawing big crowds everywhere.
Twelve thousand attended one game
between the Cincinnati team and the
leading team OF Havana, and the fans
left the park crying Bring the cham
pion Cubs"
The Detroit times., 1908-11-30
KUb|AK A BUSY
BOXER THESE DAYS

PHILADELPHIA. Nov. 30-The
The Armory A. A. of Boston, Mass,
yesterday wired John NJ. Kelly, the
manager of AL Kubiak, the Michigan
giant, an offer of a tempting purse for
the sensational heavyweight to meet
Joe jeanette and this was accepted.
Kubiak, who meets big Jim Stewart,
of New York, at the West End Ath-
letic club tonight, will go to Boston
to prepare for his meeting with Jean
cite, after which he will return to
Philadelphia for bout with Willie.
Kubiak's manager has under consid-
Grafton offers from Eddie Holland. OF
the Nonpareil; the Rochester, Wind
sor and Manchester, N. H.. clubs for
bouts. Jim DAILY will in the future
train Kubiak. and Tom Daily, the police
champion heavyweight. will box with
the giant during his leisure hours.
Kubiaks late opponent, Fred Brad
ley, who has entirely recovered from
the effects of his bout with Kubiak,
will announce his retirement from the
ring at Jack O'Brien's club tomorrow
night.
The Detroit times., 1908-11-30

NAVIN AND McGRAW WILL
CONFER OVER SPRING DUEL

from the New York CLUB where Man
ager Stallings IL on record as stating
that he expects to help his team mater
tally by a number of deals.
Detroit has made no secret OF the
fact that 1t covets George Moriarty.
the New York player who has starred
both at first and third base. Moriarty
is, however, the last man In all prob
ability whom Stallings is willing TO
cut loose.
The New York club has turned down
several offers from Detroit for this mar
and rejected one offer in the middle
OF last season which would unquestion'
ably have tempted any organization
that would consider for moment the
release by sale Of any OF Its men.
No contracts will be send out from
the office Of the local club FOR some
time yet. In at least two cases-botn
members Of Detroit's aIl-star outfield,
the men have discussed and accepted
the terms which they will be formally
offered later on, however.