davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-07-04

to the soil with that heel-and-toe stun!
HE knew mere about ordering a din
ner than the head chef. The keystone to
the feed was steak ia BordelafSe the
size of a small trunk. with cellar-petted
mushrooms for trimmings. and then he
swung ahead and called out the rest of
it like the installment man telling you
you've got to come across for the two
months overdue stuff by next Wednesday
week or stand for search warrant
and a writ of replevin. And 1t was me to
proceed to juggle china and Bohemian
glassware as fast as q continuous vaude-
vile outfit OF prestidigitateurs-me trying.
of course. to wipe out that first false i'm
pression Of me in the mind of as dead
next a kanoozer of old wines, right eat
ing and the real katinkas in the way OF
squeens as ever splashed SOUP. on. And
after the three Of Fem had orestod out
of view just thirty-eight bones worth OF
the eats and the lap-ups. the towhead
staked me to the summoning finger.
Now it's all over. Etienne,' said he,
tossing me the funny leer. and you have
atoned real well. SO you have, for being
so angry with me when I first slid in here
for a handout. But, DO. you don't want
to forget what I told you. Never swell up
like hooded cobra until you're dead sure
you've got the fangs. Some OF US Just
nachully can't help looking Hike tinsmiths'
apprentices on their day on and he
laughed like somebody full Of wise glee.
the hot card! After that he snagged out
Of his kick bundle Of the ochre papers
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-07-04

However. / crep over to the table ana
put on that hurt, busy look that we some
times fix w to fan the short-Wads out
into the open zephyrs.
"'Your order pul-lease.' says I to the
towhead. and 1 said it like a salesgirl be-
hind the soap counter of a department
store when you've hiked along for cake
of nickel punk Just at the minute when
she's due to turn a handspring for her
hat to make her evening getaway.
''Up-huh. That's how I said it. And
that's how wrong was. The rebate that
that glug handed me made me feel as IL
somebody was trying to put pewter rings
in my ears 49,
Say. iookit here, Antoine he says
to me- you don't wanta take this to heart
so much and me standing there feeling
like a moll-buzzer that's. pinched wrist
bag with nothing in IL but two cents, a
latch key. q sample ofgingham and a car
ticket You want to wait TIL 81 melody
sticks the hornet on you before you drill
that way for Camp Crouch. Dye think
you could be induced to sell little food
and drink at this stall, or are you real
mad-uf. honest Injun?'
lot course I was hep then that I'd got
away from the barrier on the wrong leg.
When he unwinded me that piece of tape.
wise as ieft-handed sheetwriter en- the
dead line. 1t was up to me to get eager to
square myself. / watched fer his signals
like bunch OF high school boys waiting
for the popgun in a hundred-yard dash,
and I suppose maybe I didn't get close
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-07-04

whatever she happens to say in reply to
an assortment of remarks that he emits
in the same mood. However. she had to
make some sort of choice. and SO she
said. mildly:
. Don't you think. my dear. that would
be rather a severe punishment"
NO. don't think any such blithering
mush-and-watery fool thing" broke in
Mr.. Jobson. just as she'd expected he
would. IF l thought SO I'd say so.
Burning oil and molten lead isn't any too
good for these. miserable scoundrels Of
boys that begin this idiotic Fourth Of
July business four or five days ahead Of
the sure-enough fool day of the American
year. I'd like to know where the dickens
the police are. anyhow. II knew I'd
dig up the cub that fired that cracker
and have him arrested and appear against
him in the Police Court tomorrow il it
was the last act of my life. That's what
would
Mrs. Jobson couldn't exactly think of
anything to exude in reply to this, and so
she kept silently needing at her fancy
work.
We're a lot of Internal Cinnamon in
this country, anyhow, that's what we
are" went on Mr.. Jobson. holly 1.-THE
biggest and most important day In the
American calendar is celebrated in
Chinese way. with explosive tools Of tor
ture imported from China. We all ought
to wear our shirts outside of our trousers
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-07-04

clerk and a shorthand writer before he
got through unreeling the names OF the
things that he and his pair OF lockers
thought they needed for a little snack. He
oiled me along all right while I was doing
the ground-and-lofty around his table.
You're the queen Of the May. Butch
says he to me when I spread something
on the cloth that made a hit with him.
and I'd give you the top weight In the
Pantry Grabbers stakes any time
After about two hours and a half II
came along to settling up time. vas
tired. ! had been busy. I spraddled all
of the change from his bill out on the
tray. making the smallest OF the lot a
two-spot.
'Murgatroyd. have you any change
for this?' he asked me. passing me back
one OF the two-dinkers. I want to drop
a little chickenfeed into the poor boz ss
I pass out 1 changed the two-spot into
dollar half and two twc-bit pieces.
Sad kind o way you have of chang.
ing money. isn't it?' said the CLEAN to me
then. and he pushed me over one OF the
two-bit pieces. Am I not the fairy gram.
ma? Tush. Maud and Mabel, the hour
groweth late. or early. and PhoeSus CLOVIS
in the orient east. or something-let US
move out to the caloosh.' and with that
the glm stepped out. handing me the
wide grin as he passed me.
THAT was my second bum pick OF the
evening. and. unlike the first one, II was
devoid Of nutriment by way OF consola-
ton. / wonder what's on me, anyhow"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-07-04

he was going to stake 'em to a ham sand
witch and fiagon of malt. That's the
way l had him, too. The flaxen flash
made a short tack toward one of my
tables with the pair of squeens and /
breathed right hard.
Its drug clerk or something from
Rockville says 1 to myself, with $2.So
in his fob pocket that he's going to
spread out all over one fierce night. even
If he has to smoke corn shucks in a stone
tomahawk for two months to even I'D for
his divvleishness'
-"And the more 1 piped him of. as I
edged W to the table, the more he looked
to me like one of those gleamy lightning
bugs in a cistern. While the dolls peeked
through the menu he was giving the
gappy glance all round and every time
he took a peer at the pair OF Queenies
with hinl-they were the swell patterns.
right enough. at that-his chest sort o
pulled out and he looked like he was say
ing to himself. oh. l guess these two
that I've trapped are poor. poor
Says ! to myself then. wonder why
the drum major doing the head waiter
stuff in this dump is getting into the
settled habit Of passing all these quick
lunchers along here to me? What have
! done that he should shove On 20 me all
Of these Ferdies that save up 3OOO,O 900 tin-
tags to snag out a prize picture frame or
cigar cutter?'
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-07-04
SOME FOLKS THAT SPEND THEIR SUMMERS IN THE MOUNTAINS

The summer mountaineers. too. are for
ever taking good hard falls out of the
stand for the lives of them how people
can think Of spending their summers at
the red-hot seashore resorts. Every sea-
shore resort to summer mountalneer is
and must naturally be red-hot. No sea-
side resort is just moderately warm, or
tepid. or middling hot, or anything like
that. It's Just baking red-hot, and that's
all there Is to 1t. And so the summer
mountaineers swaddle themselves In their
wraps and stroll around and exude
headed people who just won't go any
where else during the heated term than
the seashore.
Once in a great. great while you fall
and-shut frank about temperatures and
his personally conducted views of the
same l met one of them here yester-
day. There'd be no chane of my meet
ing him today, because he has gone away
from here.
He was an elderly man from Philadel-
phia and he got in with his teeth chat
tering night before last. He was some
blue around the lips. too. and he was
particular to tell 'em at the hotel desk
that he wanted plenty of quilts and
blankets and things on his bed.
He was standing IN the full glare Of
the more or less muffied sun at high noon
yesterday. out on the hotel porch. hold
ing his straw hat in his hand SO as to
get the full radiance. His overcoat
wasn't any topcpat 1t was an ulster.
although that really was rather overdo-
Ing 1t.
"Georgeous temperature up here. isn't It.
sir?" somebody swung alongside the ell
derby Philadelphian and said to him.
Gorgeous blazes!' was the marvellous
ly prompt reply of the elderly man in the
ulster gorgeous tommyrot. It's cold.
my good man-cold as Upernavik or Spitz-
bergen or Camp Sour Crouch up to Green
land And it's too DANCED cold for me.
I'm telling you that. When summer
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-07-04
g.. ~ @saRs8aR@\ ~ %

and cogitates as to what on earth can be
the matter with the internal contraption.
He feels around Of the spark and FUN
bles with the little hewgags that stick out
and puts his ear to the cylinder head
and fools around lot. but nope. he just
can't explain 1t to save his soul. and he
tells the rest of us lolling back In the
stern sheets that he never knew her to
ing out the imputation that we must be
the JonahdoO, or, If not exactly that,
that we must in some way be responsible
for the motor boat conducting herself in
that insulting. not to say rowdy and
drunken manner.
Then the amateur motor boatist paelS
eff his coat and rolls up his nice clean at
tached cuffs and begins TO cover himself
with grease while he tinkers with the en-
CINE. He has to come to a dead stop
in midlake to do this. Of course, and then
the folks that we'te left behind on the
dock begin to shoot out raucous and ir-
ritating remarks in our direction. The
sound of their voices carries extraordi-
narily we'll, and We can hear them say.
II told you So" and observe how they
wouldn't be in such a bughouse motor
boat as that for worlds, for didn't they
know perfectly well when we started
out that We wouldn't get half way across
the lake before we'd be stalled?
Meanwhile the sweat pours down the
worried face of the amateur motor boat
list, who's bending over the engine try
ing to dope out what ails the thing. and
the black lubricating oil gets all over his
hands and arms and shirt ana face and
new outing trousers white fianneD that
he put on only the day before yesterday,
and it's easy to be seen that he's In q
silent rage. and nobody .dares to ask him
what's the matter for fear Of being tossed
overheard. and it's all very gloomy.
Even when he turns around with his face
black-greased up like Lew Dockstader
in his monologue nobody dares to take a
chance on a laugh for fear Of the violence
of the horribly irritated amateur motor
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-07-04

the size of round bundle of Christmas
cigars, skinned off fifty and told me to
stake myself to pair of roller skates
with five dollars worth of the change.
And as this tallow-dip creased out.
herding together his brace of squeens. I
gave the inquirng poke to a wise one sit
ting at another tai Bile who's next to every
thing and everybody.
81 thought that one was a shipping
clerk from somewhere down in the c. and
o. yards. said I, Questioningly. and he
trimmed me all around the edges and then
staked me to a V-chunk to pour cinders
on my neck Who is hep
"'Oh, nobody except the son Of the
man that owns all the coal and oil and
little things like that in thestat of Penn
sylvania. the wise one hepped me. He's
just In here this evening with his sisters
on an automobiling tour, and money says
so around his clothes that he has de-
veloped those throwing away motions as
II he had st. Vitus dance
well, that's how punkishly doped one
of them. and l suppose maybe 1 didn't
feel like pomme de terre that's seeded in
the cellar. the way got in wrong. Even
the duff he staked me to didn't fix it up
In my own mind for the bum way I'd
framed him up A mans got some pro-
fessional pride, hasn't he?
We'll. I was still trying to brush my
self out OF the trance when three mora
that looked like worid-beaters and prize
winners all over trudged in and took the
quick sling for the table 1 was just tidy
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-07-04
o.. @S\%e%e83R@\G NJ 80

the fireworks gag as a method of testify
ing to our regard and generation and for
the signers of the Declaration of indie
pendence Is about as lunatical as it would
be II we were to line up at their tombS
every Fourth of July morning and toss
cObblestcnes at their sarcophagi, That's
what think. II you can dope out and
show me any good reason why one colos-
sal noise. extending from ocean to ocean
and from lakes to gulf. should be consid-
cred sensible way of showing our ap-
probation Of the fathers who gave US
liberty or gave us death. then / wish
you'd make a little bit of a diagram
Of the same and show me the cross-sec-
tons and figure q and things"
WELL" said Mrs. Jobson, "of course,
It's matter OF custom"
"Ch-huh-and it's a matter Of custom
for the inhabitants Of the Marquesas Is
lands to eat each other on their big
rough-house feast days" growled Mr..
Jobson. Don't pull that matter Of GUS
tom rave on me. I know it's a matter of
custom. just as it's a matter Of custom
for certain castles in India to burn all
widows alive on funeral pyres when their
husbands die-and that's not such bad
proposition at that. come to think Of It,.
"Did-er-you ever shoot off any fire
crackers when you were a boy?" asked
Mrs Jobson. with bland malevolence.
Never you mind what did when l
was young" barked back Mr.. Jobson.
What l did when / was young doesn't
cut any cord God in connection with the
continent-wide method of celebrating the
Fourth of July. Say. do you ever read
the papers? Do you ever read, after the
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-07-04

and
That's it. ring in some cheap old bro
midium on me. to make things all the
worse" barked Mr.. Jobson. Maybe you
think think 1t comes three times a week
and four times a week during leap years?
And 1t comes just once year too often.
at that It's villainous nuisance. that 8
what the Fourth Of July is. A staving.
staring maniacal. imbeciln nuisance. It
ought to be legislated out of existence
once and forever"
but" put in Mrs. Jobson taking
chance. do you think so eventful day
ought to be entirely disregarded. and
that"
"You wait till say anything like that
and 1t will be time enough for you to
stake me to one Of those peevish, argu-
mentatiye calldowns Of yours. madam"
grouched Mr.. Jobson. IT didn't say any
thing about entirely disregarding any
thing. WHAT I said was that there's no
necessity for a people alleged to be civil
lied to celebrate the most important day
in their calendar in a Monaghan manner.
II we're going to be a nation Of slant
eyes. then we might as we'll all buy dope
pipes and adopt Confucius and embark
in the laundry business and try to be
the real thing. not layout of phonies."
do you think. then" inquired Mrs
Jobson. agreeably. that the practice of
using fireworks ought to be given up alto
gether to celebrate Independence day.
and that"
That's where you hit it right smack
dab In the middle Of the forehead" cut
IN Mr.. Jobson. That's precisely what
think. How did YOU guess 1t? I think
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-07-04

and be done with It,"
This didn't seem to call for any COM
ment from Mrs. Jobson. either. and SO
she remained under cover.
"Its only a matter of time. If this thing
keeps up" went on Mr.. Jobson. Crouch
lily, when the American people will be
hurting Chinese stinkpots around In order
to exhibit what they call their patriot
ism
Mrs. Jobson smiled a bit at this, and
Mr.. Jobson caught her at 1t.
That's it, go ahead and grin like
chessy cat" stormed Mr.. Jobson. II sup
pose it tickles you almost to death to
have me tortured in this way. 1t fills
you with profound inward glee to have
me come home. after working like a
dog all day. and have this hideous fire
crackerish clamor complete the jangling
Of my nerves.
Really" put in Mrs. .Jobson then. II
heard only one firecracker. an maybe
'" Heard ~G' only one. hey$ snapped Mr..
Jobson. ooh. of course you'd say some
thing like that. That was to've been ex-
pected But If you heard only one. then
I'd recommend you to buy gutta percha
listening trumpet the first thing after
breakfast tomorrow morning. If
haven't heard a million Of the pesky
things within the past five minutes then
/ don't know the difference between a
frecracker and a cat sneeze. and guess
that I'm not quite such an old plug and
dotard as that yet"
well. there's one comforting thing.
anyhow" said Mrs. Jobson. soothingly.
Fourth of July only comes once year,
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-07-04

comes along want heat and q whole lot
OF 1t. / get all the winter I want right on
Chestnut street. I'm going right away
from here to Atlantic City. where l can
get some of the chill out of my marrow. -
Pretty hot down there. though. I al
ways found" suggested the other.
Yep. it's leetle warm there some
times. but that's what I want l want 1t
summer time! That's what summers for.
isn't ito be hot? Say. I don't care If
the Boardwalk catches fire from the sun
the minute l make Atlantic City-catches
fire and burns to crisp right down to
the waters edge. That's what 1 want
heat. and all the heat / can get. My
daughter made me come up here. blame
the luck. for change she said. And
now I'm freezing to death. I want heat,
and I'm going TO have it,
Then all of the summer mountaineers
who overheard him put their heads to-
gether and reached the conclusion that he
was crazy. or suffering from anemia or
something. You see. no summer noun
taineer who thoroughly gets the habit
ever admits that It's chilly in the noun
tains sometimes. That would be too dead
ly capitulation. They'll all admit, per-
haps, that the air on certain mornings Is
"brsk" or ''invigorating' or 'reviving"
or making for activity" or something
right chilly? Never in the wide world!
You'll notice. too. occasionally that their
noses are quite blue. and that some Of
them have to keep moving around quite a
bit in order to keep their blood at the
normal temperature. But II. atop of see
ing them that way. you ask them. do
you find it cool?" do you suppose they'll
come across and own up to it: Not
much.
Not in the least" the reply, out Of
that Most delightful temperature ever
experienced in my life. My, but 1t must
be raging. blazing hot down in the cities,
don't You think?"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-07-04

WE'VE had vast amount of fun in
w recent years over the automobilist
whose machine breaks down on him
when he's away off in the country some
where. and who has TO be yanked back to
civilization by a couple of farm horses.
and the funny papers have teemed with
entertaining pictures of motorists lying
prone under their bucking cars. and all
similar. But a bucking automobile isn't
half SO funny as fractions motor boat.
This Is one of the places where you find
that out Lake Placid is one of the ideal
bodies in the world for motor boats. and
there are slews and slathers of them
chasing over its whipping surface at all
hours of the day and night. Most of
them are driven by their owners or les
sees. But it isn't all cakes and ale. mo-
tor-boating. any more than automobiling
is Virtually the same kind of engines
propel motor boats as drive motor cars.
and If there is anything much more
kicky and stubborn and pig-minded and
generally bedivvled than a gasoline en-
CINE of any kind or make, on land or
water. then the writer hereof, who's tried
both kinds. hasn't yet met up with what
ever beats it.
The motor boatist makes the same fine
showing when he starts out the auto
mobilst. Vince! there she's all cranked
up. and away she scudS over the little
wavelets. working like a perfect lydy.
giving out that fine musical chug-chuggy
sound that spells good behavior. and all
the folks on the dock thatve been left
behind look out enviously over the water
at the folks In the motor boat. and the
world fairly, swims in rose for the motor
boatists.
Presently. however. the motor boat,
that's been doing about eighteen knots an
hour. say, begins to pound quite few, and
then she slows up some and after a bit
she skips few explosions, and then the
amateur motor boatist begins to look
worried. and nary a word can be got out
Of him while he reflects and meditates
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-07-04

Gov Johnson wouldn't have suffered a
speck thereby Most peOple-especially in
these modern days when titles are bought
and sold in the marts of vanity fair
like to read about and to be fortunate
enough to know personally men who have
risen from nothing to something, who
have thrown adversely and sat on it's
chest who have started out in life by
milking a lonesome COW before breakfast
and wound up by owning a flock of dali
rieS.
About the only human exception-per-
hans tbs the only one that hits me just
now-.hat 1 can think of to this rule was
a grabbed and dyspeptic looking citizen 1
met one morning on commuters spe-
cial coming in from the suburbs. He
struck M conversation half a minute
of..- had Topped into a seat beside him
and kent it up clear in to Washington.
az am tired of reading rot" he eXclaim
ed without other introduction than crum-
pling up his morning paper and throw
ING il on the floor. prom the sluSh l see
in the papers nowadays 1t is as plain as
nrint that every man who shoves a pen
for a living eats opium and hasheesh for
a steady diet with morphine and choral
for relishes and laudaEum to wash it
down. I'm going TO stop my subscription
as soon as | get in town and read the
Sunreme Court reports hereafter.
.:Why. / can't pick up paper nova
DAYS without reading one Of thesa lowly-
beginning stories. They're rOt-bally rot.
The latest is about Johnson-Gov John
son Of Minnesota l don't believe all the
truck. or even a fraction of it, that is
printed about him. l don't believe that
one one-hundredth of these lowly-be-
ginning stories are true in any partcu
lar. Why, every time I open my morning
paper I have to read a dopy yarn about
some poor but honest youth who started
out Monday morning with red ~ hite-
and-blue patch in the seat of his trousers
and cents in change concealed on his
person. and wound up Saturday night
clad in a fur-lined overcoat and with
four millions in the bank. 1t just makes
mo sick
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-07-04

yallerish ice and a searchlight on tin
roof" he said, gloomily Il sure have been
picking and playing em all wrong lately.
None of 'em are running to the charts
for me these nights. Every time think
I'm right 1 wind up feeling like crumb
of Roquefort that's fallen over the side Of
the plate. 1 riffied the dope sheets wrong
only last night. not once. but twice in
row. and I feel like as if the bees on
ne yet.
First time was when a tallowy-topped
tinker with costony eyebrows and $64S
blue serge suit smoked in with a couple
OF squeeny lockers. The girls looked as
If they were nursing the sneaky fear that
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-07-04

morning session. The boy had a black
eye and he was whining and whimpering
when his mother dragged him before me.
Now. miss. I'd like L know what you
mean by hittin' my boy in tn eye with a
slater was the amazing question she put
to me, and her attitude was very men,
acing, indeed. / was so overwhelmed
speak for a moment. but a boy In one OF
the rear seats near the door who was lis
tening to the conversation got up and
asked my permission to speak. ] nodded
permission and the boy said:
D." I saw that kid get the black eye yes
terday He grabbed an orange off a cart
and the dago threw an apple at him and
caught him in the eye with it,
THE mother of the prevaricating young.
ster with the discolored eye was reluctant
to believe that l had not inflicted the
damage upon him with slate. as he had
ingenuously told her. and she went away
muttering angrily."