davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The San Francisco call., 1908-07-12

profession of journalism. May / in
quire If you are u typewriter tickler
yourself?"
Lord. no! I'm an old married man."
Il mean are you news noser a
pencil pusher. or a linotype operator.
or even a proof FOUNDER? Do you in
behalf of and in the interests of the
great American thirst for news milk a
fountain pen upon the pure, unsullied
sheet? We pathlinders of the jungles
of literature are not paid by the mile.
as you seem to suppose; by the word.
rather, for words are precious things.
saith the poet
Just discover big. new. scientific
one and if you can coax il down to the
cashiers ofIIce first you can cash 1t in
just like you could Il red chip at a
fantan parior. It's as good for two
case note as a little led ear of corn Is
good for Snack at a country flusk-
ing. That's what is meant by coming
d new word or expression. Why, I've
talked to you most ne dollars worth
already.
DO you know" / continued. making
ready TO step of the car when we came
to the end OF the block, you remind
me greatly of an old college chum
had once In Grand Rapids
YOU mean'-----
No, / 1Jn't mean the Androscoggin
Rapids between Auburn and Lewiston.
Me-; Grand Rapids, Mich; ten. twent.
thirt and the wild, hilarious abandon
of the Penny. Arcade. The home of the
whirring circular saw q days, and
where you can't sleep in hotel nights
for the ceaseless growl OF the bevel
gears in the grist mills. Oh, that |
might wipe the picture of mem ry :
slate"
The San Francisco call., 1908-07-12
ARE ANIMALS DESTITUTE OF MORALITY;

HAT there is moral worth in the
most commendable phases of animal
life is again denied by certain inves-
tIgators who are taking part in con-
troversy that is attracting considerable
attention among scientific men. To
these must be added Professor Schus-
ter. who asserts in a recent number Of
Kosmos (StuttgarD that animals lack
moral feeling entirely, none of their
acts being immoral or moral In the
broad sense, and that they have no
trace of a sense of shame or of honor.
Their courage, he declares, is "a mere
impulse OF nature" and OF moral cour-
age they know nothing. He continues:
And animals have no pride in. the
sense of mans conception of that quail
ity. They are not proud of their kind.
OF their kindred, of their individuality.
The San Francisco call., 1908-07-12

NOW and then as time rolls on and
Y we tread our way among the foot
tracks Of our fellow men, we bump
suddenly against the "Butter-in,r and
then the colossal curiosity sometimes
displayed by total. though not always
a teetotal. stranger passeth human un-
derstanding; especially If a fellow has
not an understanding of the first class
battle ship denomination. So that when
a mysterious parsonage of the Viper
class. by which | mean a submarine,
of course. because he seemed to want
to get TO the bottom OF things, tackled
me with. BE you the feller that writes
up the cold mush column for the Daily
Morning Starr" the other morning as
swung aboard a car. hoping to drop
into an obscure rear seat and enjoy a
smoke. my top-o' -th' morning -tyuh
manner instantly CONCEALED, and I
snorted back. coldIy:
Il b."
For upon suitable occasion / can sup
press garrulity and quickly assume the
air of the Laconic One from Laconia,
n. H.
We'll, it's funny"
"Ah. thanks! ! try to make it so, .
/ responded. now cheerily. warming up
some toward my new acquaintance,
when he continued:
ITS funny they don't try to get a
Live One on that job. Now. / used to
be newspaperman myself. once;
worked on the Peru Pipe Organ, way
out west, and we had a feller there
doing the Society News among the farm
towns that could give you two jumps
and a hop. then beat you playing leap
frog down a ma gazine column by a
yardstick. Say. how much does the
paper pay you mile for that stuff"
n mile,'
We'll, IL Ave thousand and odds too
much for you to grasp at once. how
much a thousand feet2 Dollars thou
sand is enough and plenty for gas. any
city In the states. Say, but why don't
you stir some ginger into your work
now and then. Perk up Cultivate a
style Carlylet Emulate Emerson! Get
busy on the broad viewl SabeH'
Speak softly Of the dead" l pro-
tested. trying to think of an Emersonia
TO ring in here. Does not Ralph Waldo
say somewhere that we should each be
ourself, or some thing TO that effect? ?
Does he not bid US hurl forth our
words today, hard as cannon balls, and
again tomorrow swear we didn't say
anything of the kind? Guess maybe
I've got that slowed round some; any
how, every dogs s got bark of his own,
and why should he endcavor to sing
like a tree toad? Besides, a live po-
liceman's better than a dead hero"
quoted. ION the same principle, isn't a
live reporter better than a dead poet?"
We'll, a real live reporter might
be-"
The San Francisco call., 1908-07-12
The Nature Fakers Dream,

n UT Of the forest depth tere came
Ma Thing of morstrous size;
1t had no tail, II had no legs,
1t had no ears or eyes;
1t had no teeth. ii had no mouth
IL had no cheek or nose;
It had no fms with which to swim,
1t had no feet or toes
1t was devoid of trunk or head.
Twas neither straight nor crooked
IL neither walked nor crept nor crawled
And hideous it looked.
1t had no wings with which to fly.
20 lungs with which to roar,
And yet 1t. plunged along the ground
Straight to the takers door.
1t seized him in its. awful grasp
And opened wide it's jaws;
1t tossed hind high into the air
And slashed him with it's paws.
1t flung him niles and miles through
space
And caught him at a bound,
Then swallowed him and disappeared
Ten miles beneath the ground.
L'ENvOI
Now. all good story tellers true.
Take warning from this verse:
II you can't tell them as they are
Don't make them any worse.
JOE CONE.
The San Francisco call., 1908-07-12
Queer Tale of
a Stamp Shopper

RI HAD q dollar o. two extra money
last week" said waggish William.
so I decided to go shopping. like
to go hopping-annNally. A fellow
ought to take Il little pleasure once in
a while
"As we were all out OF postage stamps
] went to the news gtand. They are
5ust as cheap there and a fellow saves
car fare Being @ hot day ] thought L
would sample bottle Of the newsman's
soda also
Give me 10 two cent stamps l de-
manded.
The magazine duster drew a long
breath We don't keep twos. he re-
piled Give you 10 ones. though.
Won't do st all said I. Make ii
20 and we'll trade
See here. what do YOU take this for.
a substation?
No. said l. just as tart, its more
like a snub station if you're going to
act that way. Why can't ! have 20
ones?
Well. it's like this; there wouldn't
be any left for the other customers. In
the second place. I don't make any
thing on stamps. even lose 4 little tear
ing EN- apart You're so sassy / guess
YOU cant have any, mister / need 'em
for the folks who buy picture postal
cards Of me. co TO the T. o.
I needed those stamps. so it was evil
dent a little logic was in order How
much 90 you maze on a picture postal
card2 ] inquired.
Half q cent clear money he an
swered.
The San Francisco call., 1908-07-12

these assertions there is very little nat
terry for the animal, yet in view of
them it must be admitted that 1t is
wise to oppose them with cool per-
sistency to the ridiculous and extrava-
giant effort made in certain circles to
make us believe that the psychic life of
the animal and Of man have the same
value.
We know how difficult it is to cor
rect the popular belief that the psychic
life of an animal is rich in mys stcrious
traits closely related to our nobIest
emotions. and any explanation based on
mere natural impulses and physical
strength is rejected as wholly INSULT
cient. There are certain keen OBJ
servers who deem themselves brilliant
ly skillful judges of the animal soul
and, though not lapsing into the error
of superficial anthfopomorphism, hold
that the results of their observation
counteract finally the position taken by
this journal"-The Literary Digest
The San Francisco call., 1908-07-12

They neither have an individuality nor
arc individual. Animals are not proud
because they have no consciousness Of
the scope of the value of their kind, of
their enterprise, or of any other form
of their capability; they are not super
cilious. prouds nor the contrary-that
is, grieved, wounded or depressed--in
regard to possible pride. When, for
instance, we say that an eagle is proud,
a horse courageous, that an ass feels
we'll, or indeed too we'll, we mean the
physical strength that expresses itself
in their shapes, their movements and
their attributes The spiritualized'
Reynard the Fox. as the poet describes
him. belongs to poetry and is not an
appropriate subject for scientific In
vestigation
so much for cold observation. In
The San Francisco call., 1908-07-12

a, JOKE, DC sure 20 pull
It's stingers sere you send IL to the edi-
Tor. This may kill the joke outright
But even so IL were better thus.
You Will find the editor seated at a
rosewood desk. with cochineal trim
mlngs, ensconced within a gilt cage:
this latter because he 10 o valuable man.
partly. also to prevent his escape If he
suddenly goes batty over some OF the
contributions he is obliged to read
insist upon reading your manuscrint
aloud, and carefully note the effect an
the editor. If 1t is a sure thing N 2.
slSlet. he viii coldly turn the editortai
oack, so TO the mirror and commence 20
make faces al himself In the glass. ~
this occurs. leave hurriedly. as If is a,
lnIallIole sign that the editorial gorge is
rising; In fact, he may have his inoe-
on the Fool Killer button risbt tbs,,
II ne snickers. do not immedia tsi,,
swell up. Make sure what Kind 80
lausn 1t is. II it is a full. heaIthv So.
OF pure. hilarious, joyous Slee an -
Well Everything is lovely and ~
goose hangs high Just make a 49,
IKE an old fashioned shoe peg ana So.
nothing Presently you NAV rat sHs s,s
glad hapdshaks and the pIsssens n
smile. S~Sant
The San Francisco call., 1908-07-12

that the hardware clerk had put my
paint in a bottle.
1T was not until I had used up the
last drop that a boy came from the
drugstore and said that the bundles
had been changed somehow. 1 had
carefully vanished our bed, clothes
wringer. refrigerator and the eight
day clock with the 50 prescription in
tended for a man who was sick abed
with a lame liver.
It's lucky he found out in time
that bundle OF mine was paint. If he
had taken IL according to prescription
he would have had can Of dark
brown taste IN his mouth clear up TO
next Thanksgiving day"
The San Francisco call., 1908-07-12
BUDS FROM stoop Meditations

4 SIT here al the afternoon
l On our front stoop alone.
You wouldn't think my head worked so
To see me-still as stone.
I wish an awful lot OF things.
and hope that they'll come true.
I hope they will, but o, l hate
To wait until they do.
I wish q dog would jump our fence
And snap at me today.
] wish a gypsy'd lkidnap sis
And take her far away.
wish pad get arrested,
Ma sue him for divorce.
] wish somebody's motor car
Would bump our family horse
I wish our house would catch afire-
., that would be a treat
Or that a great big waterspout
Would wash away our street
But nothing ever happens me
Nor any one I know.
No nice bad luck or accidents
Ny life is awful slow
MARION SHORT.
The San Francisco call., 1908-07-12

practical men. Pour me out glass
Of sars2parilla and tell me whether il
is no. more profitable and far more
reasonable to sell a stamp with a glass
OF ginger pop than IL is with a postal
card.
Guess you're right. mister; I new
CT looked at il that way before He
foriIed over the stamps. and 1 downed
the soda and was half way to the
hardware store before he got the an
swer
Pot Of paint said to the clerk.
~ hats 1t fOrT he asked.
Going TO paint an iron bedstead, q
b'-- cage. the clothes wringer and may
d. ss-ca up the gas stove if there's
an1 - said /.
What coiorg he asked again.
-Sarsaparillar ] replied, still think
ing o. the soda, 'er-that is, give me Q
dsrl brown.
Thought you had slipped your troll
ley when YOU began to mix up havors
and paint he said. sarcastically.
Oh, butterscOtch and fudge! Ia
that so? ] snapped. 1t is seldom 1 get
mad enough to swear this way, but he
had no business getting fresh. Paints
do have ilavors- Why, a friend of
mine out west painted his whole house
pepper and salt color
AIR said clerky, wonderingly.
Yes. said pepper and salt would
season wood better I'll take a few
carpet tacks, too
About how many?
oh. couple; I just want TO tack
up calendar
't.ave 'em deliveredg
See here, young man. don't you
dare 10 get sarcastic with me or I'll
get profane again and / don't want to-
and ! paid for my paint and decamped.
Then / went up the street to the drug
store and inquired the price Of gasoline.
Run your auto round by the back
door and I'll come out, said the herb
smeller. Gasoline barrels in the back
yard
Ny auto. Why, man, I don't have
car fare even, except Sundays I have
no auto; ] just wanted a nickers worth
OF gasoline to clean a clock with
Guess it's the wheels in your head
that's clogged. amt it? and he turned
superciliously away and waited on a
young lady. who bought a postal card
for one cent and begged a patent med
icine almanac on the strength OF the
purchase.
The San Francisco call., 1908-07-12

tinuous joke supply g.7rs rtsM
winter and sum-
mer and in all kinds of weather.
But to those who DO not joke spOn-
taneousIy there is a method within
easy reach OF au-that Of reasoning
them out by pure deduction. For in
stance:
Suppose that you read in the paper
that Mark Twain, passing the after
noon with Edward Rex, hands him
baggy old cucumber like this; There
was a certain locality much pestered
with cutworms, but with the coming
of the birds their numbers greatly di-
minished. The sparrows at length con-
stituted a nuisance of themselves, some
folks thought more so than the cater
pillars. One day the teacher asked lit
tie Johnny which he thought were the
worse, the sparrows or the worms.
Johnny replied that he could not tell.
as he had never had the SparrOws that
he remembered OF"
This idea is capable of great varia-
tion, and the amateur jOkist should be
able to evolve an entire series of witty
stories from it, For example, think of
all the animals you can. birds. dogs.
cats, finally you come to bees. The
bee is not a quadruped. 1t is true, bat
the game jOlSist who Is working for
reputation does not allow subtleties TO
obscure his sense of humor. You have
caught your bee, proceed to make
joke of him. When completed your
story, modelled after the sparrow form.
will read something like this:
In one neighborhood there were many
wild bees, and a farmer tried to coax
a swarm into a hive he had built and
capture them, and to assist him he
hired little Johnny. In setting up the
hives the farmer got lot of sIivers in
his hands, which caused him to in
dulge in some expletives. But when he
attempted to brush the last of the
swarm into the box they stung his
hands even worse than the splinters
had done. AS he stopped to pull out
the st1ngs he remarked to his helper:
/ think the bees are a great deal
worse than the hives, don't you. Jack?'
/ don't know, sir, replied Johnny;
I never had the bees"
A joke Of this description will readily
sell to any editor for 80 or 40 cents
and it doesn't take long to write it.
Sometimes you may be able to resur-
rect an ancient joke, something you
may have read in history, clothe it In
twentieth century words and make AZ
pass muster even with the best edt-
tors. Tor these fossilized, embalmed and
otherwise mummified jokes often pos
sess the true giggle germ within You
4 can take the "grinning skeleton" OF a
Joke, as IL were, vivify 1t and make II
taik like a live one. For examples:
The San Francisco call., 1908-07-12
And yet you

anu yet ou
fork over a stamp
with 1t for an eX-
ira penny and do no
grumbling. Y o u
think you're max
ing money, even
though you admit
YOU lose stamps
tearing them apart.
How much do you
make on a glass Of
soda? Here. don {
lie TO me: my sis
ter in laws uncle
ran a soda water
factory down in
Alabama. You make
just four centsl
Now, you and / are
The San Francisco call., 1908-07-12
AJo Sn'lr PtpenArcr |oIzz05n z'' a>
Up TO Date Way
To "Carve" a Joke

.,-v ,aonle have an idea that nu-
morous writing is dead easy 80 -
is in one way: not so much so otner"iS''
.ssD, others stiu suppose that editors
Of humorous journals have but 10 sN'.-'
the ouipped cream from each mornine
mail. ship the stale jokes back 20 'i'o
authors who perpetrated them. send the
good ones down to the composing room
and the trick Is done. Not so. 'Gentie
Annie. this is the greater mistake OF tne
two.
while ~ Is true that occasionally
live husky joke is captured IN thlS
wav. where one is found half a hundred
have to be discarded because they are
wormy. old and moth eaten or snieil
high of camphOr from having oeen
packed away all winter. as suIhnlel
Jokes often are by mercenary authors,
left overs which they VIII not TAKE IN
trouble to read and touch up 10 date
ere springing them on an unsuspectipS
manuscript reader This sort OF Joke
r1ste~iaI lacks snap IN precisely the
same manner as does case OF iast
seasons fire crackers; they eNpioue
with that tired feeling
Few people indeed imagine that
good Joke is so rare thing that III CT
der to serve up the very best to It's
readers a great humorous perloolcdi 10
obliged, at enormous expense, 10 mann
tain a picked corps of men. scattered
in every cline to send home the, bon
mots of wit found in various lands
These educated gentlemen fearlessiy
penetrate the very iungles OF htefa-
ture as it were. of all nations, in searcn
of the frisky "quips and cranks anu
wanton wiles." which they c"nsider
their legitimate prey. When a Fea.
comic is discover it is either eaSled
home at once or packed in wet moss
TO keep it fresh and shipped home Dy
fast freight. Canned jokes never go
with a first class American paper
though the English comics undoubtedly
use a good many; they call them
The San Francisco call., 1908-07-12

Il then went into
another store and
priced a big phono-
graph. and the man
played e & h { e e n
tunes on Il and a
mOnologue before
he found that I was
only shopping. As
] turned away I
found that l had
! e Z { my paint
somewhere, a n d
went back to the
druggery. Sur e
enough, II was on
the counter, neat
ly wrapped up. just
as I had left II.
When I reached
home I discovered
The San Francisco call., 1908-07-12


The excited
Carthaginians were
getting ready to
torture Regulus by
rolling him down
hill In a barrel. In
order to make the
rip interesting
! they had driven a
lot OF sharp pointed
nails into the cask,
with the points
sticking inside like
bristles.
" Do you think
you will enjoy the
rider asked a guard
Of Reggy."
But IL you happen
The San Francisco call., 1908-07-12

foot pole for you. Say. on the quiet
what's the rate down there?'
Sir" | retorted, even more scath-
ingly. For a common. slovcnly look
Ing person you exhibit an extraordi-
nary and reprehensible curiosity as tc
the enolura ents MAINTAINING to the noble
The San Francisco call., 1908-07-12

Ilnn cO. now tN tf-
Anybody can write
a joke. AS soon as
you have thought
of your joke get a
piece of paper and
set it down. OF
course it is much
more difficult to
think of jokes than
to write them, but
once they have Oc-
CURED to you. If
you can dispense
reasonably g 90 d
English, the rest is
easy. 1t takes a
genius. though. to
give down a con-
tinuous joke supply
Gainesville daily sun. (Gainesville, Fla.) 190?-1938, 1908-08-10

~ father hss fur PEARS hoea tFon
blea mfth eiarrhoea hn9 gied e@efY
maaas pogsihis 10 saset a cure Wifh
ust aFan. wriss Geta W CiFkie ~
Phuigpt ~. Va 80 snw chamhef.
irin'a coiir calsr4 aad rgarhna
RuNsdr aarsrusss 10 fke pAnlg1f ~
pahiican nn2 sFet4sa 20 WY b. tn
fraaa h o9e hesii9 rnFsG Mar Nna ~
haa noi paksrss wla tAs sitsass ~
airhisen maagAt Hefots iAk'ag fhia
fe@e3y ks mAs . eumasaAs paRsTsr
ns q now foaas saG well aaa a.
fsnurh ssnfY ysara eta ess o. a.
mseh wpgR ~ rupnx msn SID
~ al druEEiEa
Gainesville daily sun. (Gainesville, Fla.) 190?-1938, 1908-08-10
BUILDING BOOM HAS
AGAIN COMMENCED
Six New Buildisgs TO Go Up Within a
Short While.
OTHERS NOW CONCENTRATES

Much Activity Expected in the Build
ing Line From Now On, Which viii
Again Make Business Regain It's
Former Standard.
The building boom has again struck
the city and that which has already
been contracted for is only forerun.
ner Of numerous other buildings con.
templated for early building.
H. NJ, McClamroch will commence
at once the erection OF a modern two
story residence. The contract win
be awarded within the next few days,
as all contractors now have ia their
bids. This building will cost IN the
neighborhood OF $4,000.
T. n. stringfellow will have erected
three large and commodious cottages
on his property just north OF DR..
McMillan's residence. These build.
ings will have all modern conven.
fences and viii be credit to that
already handsome residential section.
]. ID. Stringfellow will have two
cottages erected on the vacant prop.
erty just back OF his residence which
viii in every way compare with the
many beautiful homes of this rapidly
growing section. They will contain
all modern convenlences aud will
doubtless find ready tenants.
There are several other buildings
spoken Of, and It Is limited that other
parties are contemplating the ereo.
ton of more Business houses. These
would find ready tenants as there h
demand for this class OF building
Just at this time, owing to the stand.
ard Gainesville has for It's solldlty
and which Is the best inland city In
the State
Gainesville daily sun. (Gainesville, Fla.) 190?-1938, 1908-08-10
VONtlf'5 VOE5
Gainesville Women Are Finding Re.
lief AT last.

II does seem that women have
more than a fair share OF the aches
and pains that afllict humanity: they
must keep up must attend to duties
In spite of constantly aching backs
or headaches, dizzy SPELLS. bearin 2.
down pains; they must stoop over.
when to stoop means torture. They
must walk and bend and work with
racking pains and many aches from
kidney ills. Kidneys cause more
suffering than any other organ of the
body. Keep the kidneys well and
health is easily maintained. Read
OF a remedy for kidneys only that
helps and cures the kidneys and Is
endorsed by people you know.
Mrs. L. deYampert, living at l07 W..
Arlington street, Gainesville. Fla
says: MY kidneys had been In a dis.
ordered condition for some time. and
was unable to find anything to give
me relief. My back ached severely.
and l was subject TO duh headaches,
very dizzy at times and frequently
troubled with chills. There was a
continual feeling of lasitude and the
slightest work left me completely
tired out. decided to give Doan's
Kidney Pills a trial and procured a
box at ]. s. Bedford G. Co.'S. drug
store. They entirely banished the
pains and aches, and I am today en-.
joying perfect health"
For sale by all dealers. Price 80
cents. ster-Milburn Co.. Buffalo.
New York, sole agents for the United
States.
Remember the name-Doan's--and
take no other.
Gainesville daily sun. (Gainesville, Fla.) 190?-1938, 1908-08-10

MlfsheH oat. sh0rt 81 hfHt o.
rather eInae dacisicn. Denaua eoaisnt
couaret. wntanu Egf hit Mr4 WAifea.
rtaSs saeu1s. niaiock weni Oh gitrb
81 ts aFaE Hita o. rUn8 o
yemrst renehe4 Efn ~ Haaoesa
v,v.~ A. Ont on psnAs4rgu's Fog b
Gainesville daily sun. (Gainesville, Fla.) 190?-1938, 1908-08-10
Fifth Inning.

Graham singled TO left; sheats pop
ped one TO pitcher. when a double play
was made. Graham being caught of
first; Canova hit to left for one sack
but the side was retired on McLeOd's
ay TO first. Hits /. runs 0.
Roqumore didn't strike at more"
than three; Bullock singled 10 left.
and went 10 second and third when
Dodge hit a grounder 10 third, who
threw Wild 20 FIRST; Dodge stole sec.
ond; Bullock and Dodge scored when
Terrell hit TO third. who threw bad
to catcher; Terrell went 20 second
during the "iroubie:" Taylor famed.
Jewett out third 10 hrst Hits I,
runs 2.
Gainesville daily sun. (Gainesville, Fla.) 190?-1938, 1908-08-10
Mhal D Raal boz InaIasalIanl

Mr.. A. Robinson Of Drumqnin, On
tarlo. has been troubled for years with
indigestion. and recommends Cham
berlnIn's Stomach and Liver Tablets
an "the best medicine ever used I"
II troubled with indigestion o. ccnati.
patton give them a trial They aFu
certain 10 prove beneficial They arc
easy 30 take and pleasant In effect
Price. as cents samplcn free AZ oil
drug stores.