davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13
THE MAD CHAUFFEUR.

Ny head Is full Of whizzing wheels
And wound with slender wires.
7 cannot walk because ny feet
Are shod with rubber tires.
A sparkling plug IS IN my throat,
A motor IN NY breast.
And night and day 1t beats away
And VII not let me rest.
Ny arms are somehow turned n cranks
And greatly bother ne
I must not crank them up too high
Or trouble there viii BE-.
4 motor horn IL either ear
Keeps up a constant tcot,
! used 70 keep IL going 50
To sec the public scoot
HOi lake away the cup uf tea
And rinse the vessel clean,
You ought 20 kzoW ms only drink
Is low q gasoline.
since on the day I CHANGED q meet
10 my uniucky starl
A msn in blue and brass who changed
Ne TO a motor car
New York sur
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13
PLAIN DEALS.
From TIE Cleveland Plain Dealer.
Modern Naval Warfare

rom the Cleveland Plain Dealer.
Modern Naval Warfare.
1t was a naval battle
And the shot flew thick and fast;
Still louder grew the rattle
When the mighty shells were east.
The armOr plates were shattered.
And the turrets did careen:
It's lucky that this happened
In a Decent magazine.
Six shots then pierced the sheathing
Just below the water line.
And quickly checked the breathing
OF a lot Of jacldes fine.
Twas then our warships vanished
In the briny depths serene;
It's lucky this ali happened
In a Decent magazine.
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13

clerk. D q n X book
keeper. and teller.
Later he went into
the grain business as
a commissions mer-
chant. He studied
law. and was admit
ted 10 the bar in 1Se4.
He Is a lawyer by
profession and a poll
tician by occupation.
Though he has been a
factor in Ohio politics
for some time. Mr..
Dick found time for
military duty. and
was long a major and
lieutenant colonel Of
the Eighth Regiment.
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13

From the Omaha Bee.
When enacted, the Dingley law was a
remarkably well balanced tariff, but the
march Of industry has moved so fast in
twelve years that II Is In many features
out of touch with the times. and revision
is necessary to bring it back to harmony
with business needs. The plan Of re-
vision. after careful investigation. prom
ises a comprehensive overhauling Of all
the schedules, to the end that those
which guard American Industries will be
retained and those which operate only to
the injury Of the consumer viii be modi-
fed.
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13

II we disbanded the only regiment OF
soldiers the island has had in many
years, and we do not believe Congress
has any intention of permitting such q
blunder. Better still would it be II we
adopted the provisional regiment now ex-
isting into the United States army as
the Porto Rico Regiment. as Mr.. Hull
proposes. That would make 1t a fixture
in the military establishment.
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13

The bonded debt OF the city OF New
York Is almost as large as that Of the
United States. according to the Detroit
Free Press. This viii prompt every loyal
and patriotic New Yorker 20 advocate the
borrowing Of at least enough additional
funds TO make the aggregate quite as
large
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13
The Leading Thought.

Mrs. Bingleby Is going to give bridge
afternoon for the benefit OF the poor
Isn't that dear Of her. She always
gives such lovely prizes"
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13

From tle Louisville UOurler-Journal.
The "scieatist'' who says beware OF
the catty woman may be a first-rate
scientist, but he's no sort Of a student
Of men. women. and affairs. The kit
tenish woman is the one who gets a
fellow into his trouble
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13

And now it is charged that the Presi-
dent borrowed" a goodly section of his
speech to the Congress of Mothers from
q magazine article. Stil, as Mr.. Jacob
Riis would say. that was quite a compl-
ment 20 the magazine article.
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13
The Dent in the Can.

The Inspector held up the offending milk
can.
There's a dent in this can" he said
severely, that saves you fully a quart
Of milk. How do you explain it?''
The farmer shook his head.
That's an accident" he said.
The envious neighbOr wirked at the in
spector.
I can show you tn AK he dented il
with" he chuckled.-
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13

Mrs. Hetty Green says she would
rather see her daughter married 10 a good
newspaper man than TO a duke; but no
good newspaper man would approve the
sentiment. for the simple reason that
her marriage 70 a duke would make a
good story" says the Buffalo Express
mo good newspaper man" is too sweep
ing. Doubtless. the one who got the lady
would indorse the sentiment.
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13

"Trueman Stinenietz called on Andrew
MCGOWAN Friday. Andrew is resting
lttlo easier al this time" says the Van
Wort (Ohio) Bulletin Trueman's visits
must be almost as pleasant as a call
from a book agent
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13
A LITTLE NONSENSE.
A RARE HnnN

We would that some Aladdin
Might come with rapid stride
To the retreat.
The quiet street,
Where humorists abide.
And how his voice would brighten
The sad and careworn crew
Within its range
WHO will exchange
Old jokes, my friends, for new?'
For such a kind Aladdin
We weary jOkesmiths yearn.
Soon would his face
Transform the place
Where humOrists soJourn.
Our weary eyes would glisten
Bedimmed with fearful dew.
To hear hiia yell:
I've naught to sell.
Who'll trade old jokes for new?'
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13
MIsundersfnod-

II had a dreadful time with that
drunken man who insisted on cleaning
or the snow" said the Rev. Mr.. Saint
leigh. He wouldn't leave without a lot
OF swearing"
That's about the only way you can get
rid Of those fellows" said his brother
Tom. II hope you cussed him good"
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13

If we lived in Grandoldtexas-.' be-
gins a paragraph in The Washington Her
ald Why any one wants 70 even think
about such a thing. we cannOt imagine %
says the Atlanta Georgian Well. it's
such a comfort TO remember that We
don't live there. you know. And, by the
way we are glad 10 see the Georgian
living right up 20 the bylaws Of the
Infinitive Splitters' Union
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13

May have lynched him-Alabama mob
takes negro from jail-he disappears -
says a headline in a Birmingham paper.
The first section of this head doubtless IS
thoroughly JUSTIFIED by the other two sec
tions.
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13

Would It not be just as well to take
the tariff out of politics." inquiries the
Deseret News. 1t would. indeed; but Will
our esteemed contemporary kindly outline
a plan guaranteed to work?
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13
Our schooI of senmen.

From fhs Providence Bulletin
VITA the graduating class Of 1000 young
seamen this year, the Newport Training
School is by all odds the biggest edu-
cational institution in the United States.
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13
Ike n FAIRY Tale.

Grandma" said the child, who lived
in a fat
What is IL. dear?'
"Piease tell me about how you lived
in a house when you were "A little girl
and there wasn't any janitor. but a big
garret 20 play In on rainy days.
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13

We'll, why not blame the night riders
on the Republcans?" asks the Chatta-
nOoga Star. Just you wait until after
the national conventions. and we have no
doubt the Democratic spelIbinders in old
'&aintuck' viii attend TO that!
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13

A writer in Harper's Weekly says the
American people could save Sl2o.00000O a
year by wearing their clothes one-fourth
longer" A large section Of the country's
population would eheerfully wear them
One-fourth longer, II only they wouldn't
wear out when they do.
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13
CAPITOL GOSSIP.

Charles Dick. junior Senator from Ohio,
was born in the town OF Akron. and is
still resident OF that place. He was
educated in the public schools. was store
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13
pelivered Zoo Many Goods.

From tIe Jonmoner-
The Washington Herald says that Pub
lie Printer StiIlings failed TO deliver the
goods There is a suspicion that quite
the contrary is true. Too many goods
at a price entirely too high
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13

ris' activity; ne wants Oklahoma 10 get
Us flag on straight. And we see where
he is right.
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13
A Painful Memory.

why do you always look in a chair
before you sit DOWN.
Il sat on my wife's hat once"
Yes"
And she had left hat pin in IL"
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13
His objection.

7 can't say that ike that Miss Chick
ley"
you don't. Why her father is worth
100000"
Yes. I know"
And money talks"
Yes, but it shouldn't giggle"
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13

From the Chicago Post
Young Maxim has invented a silent
frearm. First they took away the smoke
of battle, then the gay uniforms. and
now the noise. War itself will have to 20
next
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13

We suspect it was the Engllshman that
let the cat out of the bag. Few people
so blessed have the courage TO keep Sc
cret the fact that they are, or have heen,
in correspondence with a real. live En-
perOr.
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13

Nevertheless, we presume those people
out Ohio way who are now swinging
their hammers on Senator Foraker will
lay them tenderly aside when the TINA
comes TO get busy with the voters and
keep Ohio in the Republican column.
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13

From the Indianapolis News
The way they are being lined up indi-
Gates that job preservation is the first
law of the Federal officeholder
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13

IL exMayOr SchTnitz does so on the
lecture platform. we believe he viii elect
10 tour the California circuit exclusively.
We don't believe his march would be con-
sidered exactly triumphal elsewhere.
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13

Now that the noiseless gun and the nog-
less egg have both been perfected, per-
haps Christmas in some sections OF this
country will be more endurable-
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13
Fashions I'm PnrSe,

From the Pittsburg Gazette-Times
Easter hats will not be so large this
year. Tie fashion in purses is also
simmer.
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13

Strange. all this rumpus there should
be 'tWiXt Tweedlemouth and Tweedle-
dee. says the Boston Herald. Ny. but
we are grieved 10 see Emperor Bill ad-
dressed as 'Tweedledee-"
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13

Il believe I'll rock the boat" declared
the man in the stern.
"Don't do il. advised the man in the
bow. 1T might discharge this unloaded
pistol I have with me-"
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13

The Macon (Ga) Telegraph certainly
not reform" organ IN any sense Of
the word. nevertheless advocates one or
the most reprehensihle reforms we ever
heard tell Of II says a man should not
kiss his pretty cousin. even II the pretty
cousin is willingi We don't believe the
Telegraph can carry a precinct in the
entire United States on that platform.
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13
Adds Zesf

Honest. now. do you really enjoy COM
petition?'
''Yes, indeed. You see advertise, and
Pm getting about all the biz
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13

Hail. gentle spring, A Texas gentle
man Of unimpeachable Veracity comes 10
the front with a mountain Of petrihed
FISH, recently discovered on his ranch.
That will do very we'll for Exhibit A
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13

''Mr. Roosevelt is quoted as saying that
il they don't take Taft they will have
TO take him." says the Columbia State
This sentence is slightly involved. but
we suspect II Is a true statement, no
matter which way you construe It
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13

a man who would shoot another from
ambush is mean enough 70 write an
anonymous letter" says a newspaper
writer. And vice versa. while we arc
about IT,
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13

i was right on the brink Of the stream
when my bicycle stopped"
Lucky Ior you
Not so very. kept on going"
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13

1T is stated that an inmate Of a New
York boarding house laughed himself TO
death over a joke" says the Louisville
COurier-JOurnal Then g Is safe 20 say
IL wasn't anything about hash or prunes.
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13

Perhaps another reason Mr.. Tack. OF
Schenectady has "quit politics in disgust"
is because he couldn't keep his head
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13

The cables inform US that Mr.. William
Dean Howells recently called on King
Victor Emmanuel. and. during the course
OF his visit. explained the American po-
litical situation 10 his majesty" That
must have been a mighty interesting visit.
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13

The Newark authorities promptly sup
pressed a theatrical organization prOduc-
ing a dramatization Of the Thaw case.
A very good example for other cities
wherein such things may be attempted.
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13

Perhaps it is beginning to dawn upon
Harry Thaw that he was crazy. after all.
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13

IF ever I should write a book. I'll
make my heroine a cook. sings Grant
land Rice, IN the Nashville Tennessean.
The hero, handsome. bold, and proper,
will be. we s'pose, the district copper
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13
Happy.

She hid her pretty head.
But what OF that?
Twas under. be IL said,
A picture hat.
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13
He Didn't Tnderstand.

Tell me the old, old story. Edwin"
sighed the lovesick maid
About our winning the pennant this
year? 1t is getting 20 be something Of
a chestnut. hey?"
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13
Statistics.

Don't waste my time growled the
footpad. You know there are two hold
ups IN New York every hour"
And cne assault" responded the citl-
zen. as ne knocked the footpad senseless
with his cane
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13

King HaakOn doubtless feels like a full
nedged King, at last. Somebody has tried
TO kill him.
The Washington herald., 1908-03-13

Still, as long as the war between this
country and Japan is confined 70 Capt
Hohson's Uranium. II probably doesn't
matter.
Douglas Island news., 1908-11-25

Rev. R. B. Hassell, of Everett, Wash, arrived on the Santa Clara, Saturday night. He was for seven years pastor of the Congregational church in Everett, but is now doing general work among the churches. He is expected to supply the field here and hold serv- ices. every Sunday evening at 8 o'clock in the Congregational church until a permanent pastor can be secured. Next Sunday evening Thanksgiving service will be held with special music. The sermon will be "God's Mercy" Every one will be welcomedg At ? o'clock on Sunday the Sunday school will be re- opened. Teachers and pupils are re- quested to be there promptly.
Douglas Island news., 1908-11-25

Just as the curfew bell was sounding in Douglas last night, the whistles at Treadwen gave the alarm of fire. The blaze proved to be in one of the small cabins opposite the Treadwell Club, and was quickly subdued. The alarm was sounded in Douglas and three hose teams headed down St. Ann avenue at lively gait. The first to arrive at the Three Hundred was the Mo- cart, fol- lowed by Nos. ? and 3 in tbe order named. The boys were feeling good last night and enjoyed the run.
Douglas Island news., 1908-11-25

Union Thanksgiving services will be held at the Friends church tomorrow. There will be two services, one begin ing at 1O:3O o'clock in the morning, and the second at 2o'clock in the afternoon. A general invitation is extended to the people of the Island to attend both of these services.
Douglas Island news., 1908-11-25
The Douglas Island News
THE LOCAL FIELD.
A Thanksgiving

Lord, am glad for the great gift or hVlns- Glad for Thy days of sun and ot rain; Grateful for joy, with an endless thanksgiV-
 ing,
 Grateful for lOughter-and grateful for
 pain. Lord, am glad for the young April's won
 der.
 Glad for the fulness of long summer days; And now when the spring and my heart are
 aSSunder,
 Lord, give thanks for the dark autumn
 ways. Sun, bloom and blossom, O Lord, remember The dream of the spring and its joy recall; But now in the silence and pain of November Lord, give thanks to Thee, Giver of allA Charles Hanson Towne, in Harper's Bazaar
Douglas Island news., 1908-11-25
TREADWELL TOPICS.

Mir. Alfred Johnson is again at his post in the butcher shop, after stay of a few weeks in the Puget sound coun- ! try.
 Miss Carrie Risedorph was able to re- sume her work in the school last Fri day and the usual routine is now in ! progress.
 ! A surveying party went out for sev- eral days work at Rake Turner the lat ter end of the week.
 Trap shooting is the latest sport at | Treadwell number of enthusiasts have fitted up trap near the Mexican and the clay pigeons will have need to to be wary if all the plans for their demolition are carried out. | The 15.horse power engine from the Grace E. has been transferred to the launch Mabel. This will considerably increase the speed of the Mabel. A larger engine will be installed in the Grace E. During the coming summer Master Mechanic Bennett plans to ! build a new launch which will be top notcher.
 There is talk among the sportsmen of organizing Rod and Gun club. The Tampico brought mail and freight for Treadwell and will carry concen- trates for the return trip. The railing has been continued to the end of the sidewalk on Treadwell Heights, to be in readiness for the slip pery days to come.
 Mir. D. J. Kinzie expects to have a two-months: leave of absence soon for a visit to Florida He will leave about the first of the month. Mr. Oscar Johnson was southbound passenger on the Dolphin for short visit in the States.
 Treadwell has only few tritles such as peace and prosperity to be thankful for this year, but there will be good turkey dinners in most of the homes just the same.
 AT THE CLUB
 Friday evenings entertainment was we'll attended as usual There was good farce, "The Book Agent" by Messrs. Earle, Hall and Purinton, and a song by MT. Purinton, in addition to some moving pictures.
 Election of officers for Che fire de- partment occurred on Monday evening with a jolly good time thrown in. Of ficers for the coming year are as fol- lows: President, J. N. Stoody; vice president, Jas. Daniels; treasurer, John Duncan; secretary, F. E. Laube; chief, J. F. Tompkins, assistant chief, John Mccormick. Cigars were in free cir culation. A boxing match between John Museth and Jack Henson, songs by Messrs. Harry Earle and Ed Chris toe and some sand dancing and similar stunts by Mir. Earle helped to liven things up. There were also some nov ing pictures and a repetition of the farce of Friday evening, "The Book Agent" with Messrs. Tompkins, Purin ton and Earle in the cast. The whole evening was enjoyed from start to finish
 On Saturday evening the entertain ment, which is open to the public, will include farce, "Duffy's Daughter, Kate" with cast of five performers, an illustrated song, "We Are Pals," by Mrs. Spores and moving pictures.
Douglas Island news., 1908-11-25

Messrs. Fox, Stubbins and O'Connor have bought the George Jaceglav store, known as the California Clothing Co.,, and will close it out where it is just as fast as cut prices will do it.
Douglas Island news., 1908-11-25
In case of fire call 80, fire.

Remem Der the Thanksgiving ball.
 A fancy writing desk made of Alaska woods, at Jenseu's.
 Old reliable prescription clerk at Heubner's Drugstore.
 The City Bakery will have Ice Cream on>Thanksgiving Day.
 s1,OOOOO stock select perfumes at Heubuer's Drugstore.
 Fresh Cream and Ice Cream-all the time at Turner's, Juneau.
 What is a Monarch? Best } for 25c Cigar in town-at Rosswog's.
 New style Edison and Victor folding horns at Heubner's Drugstore.
 The Jefferson arrived from the south yesterday morning at Il o'clock.
 All the new style Edison Amberal Records at Heubner's Drugstore.
 Hand painted Chinaware, genuine Haviland, at Heubner's Drugstore.
 Steve Ring, janitor at the school ~ house, was taken sick this morning.
 FOR SALE: Five-room cottage, and lot, on Third street. Inquire at this office. Postmaster Hubbard came back on the Jefferson from hunt at Peters burg.
 Roscoe, son of Mrs. Gertrude Laugh lin, arrived on the Jefferson from Ia coma.
 Victor and Edison Machines sold ou the easy payment plan at Heubner's Drugstore.
 The Treadwell Store has just received a large line of New Clothing for Men and Boys.
 All of Harry Landers', the great Scotch comedian, records at Heubner's Drugstore.
 P. S. Early left Monday for Yankee Cove, after weeks visit in Douglas and Juneau.
 Call Phone 3-2-3 Juneau. For Ice Cream and Candies. Turner's Ice Cream Parlor.
 Ed Lumpkin-departed last Thursday for Sitka Hot Springs. He expects to be absent nonth.
 Homer Donaghey came back last week, after two-years' sojourn in the country to the westward.
 Some nice, new kitchen cupboardS, mirror backs, at Julius Jensen's Hard ware store on Second street.
 Charley Fox was among the passen- gers on the Jefferson when she arrived from the south yesterday morning.
 Anton Krasel-shop on Second street cleans and repairs clothes with neat ness and dispatch. Prices very reason able.
 The New Size Louis TX Monarch, the largest and best ? for 25c cigar on the market, for sale all the time at Ross wog's.
 The new style Edison machines and attachments plays the Amberal and old style records, at Heubner's Drug store.
 Make your furniture look nice for Christmas with a bottle of Liquid Veneer, for sale at the Douglas News Depot.
 We make a speciality compromising prescriptions of reliable physicians from every civilized nation at Heub- ner's Drugstore.
 Roy Walker was taken in charge last week by Deputy Marshal MacMillan and the judge gave him six months for selling whisky to Indians.
 Mrs. A. E. Andrew received word last week of the death of her mother at Bal lard. Wash, and she and Mir. Andrew took the first boat, the Dolphin, tor the south.
 In order to increase the efficiency ot the department, the fremen have in stalled a telephone at headquarters and alarms may now be sent in quickly from all parts of the city.
 The sale of the stock of goods of the California Clothing Go began last night and will continue the balance oi this week. The stock comprises many good servicable articles, such as' are needed every day, and everything is : being sold at half price.