Los Angeles herald., 1908-10-04


of the shopping districts of London, Artemus
caused the cab to be halted at the curb in front
of hardware shop. salesman out and
stood ready to take the order of the seeming
customers Artemus asked for a well-known
standard book
Aye sir but this is ardware shop, ye know,
and we ave no books" said the salesman.
oh! it makes difference to the binding
Artemus returned ANY sort of binding will do;
cloth, calf board-any old binding, my son."
But said, doncher know that this is an ard
ware shop and we do not sell books at all, sir"
Oh! bout two-hundred pages, l should think"
said the imperturabe humorist. Inch or so
thick"
Ihe salesman returned to the store and informed
the proprietor that man evidently insane
out at the curb and that he had found it mpos-
sible to make the understand that this was a
hardware shop
The proprietor went out and approaching Arte-
mus who sat patiently waiting while pleasantly
conversing with his companion, said, with most
respectful oheisance:
wat you pleased to want, sir?"
"A little threecornered fle," unbushingy the
humorist replied want to sharpen a saw. You
keep such things, | suppose?"
Certainly, sir" the proprietor said "Ill ave
1T for you in jfy."
The shop-keeper quickly returned with the
article mentioned for which Artemus paid the few
pennies its price, and drove away.
There has been no report as to what the shop
keeper said afterward to his assistant, who could
not understand when customer required
simple thing little three-cornered file.
ward had phenomenal fondness for children
ana often wrote private letters to those of his
acquaintance Following is copy of of these
written to little girl, then of the age of g. and
now the wife of a prominent merchant in New
York city:
SALEM, MASS. June 1S, 1864.
My Dear Amela:-T cannot tell you how much
miss you.
1t seems as though had lost all nv relatives.
including my grandmother and the cooking-stove.
Why didn't put you in a bottle and bring you
down here with me? But | always forgetting
Thn nfhn 1oxy fOfro
my Aunt Sarah and she's a good deal bigger than
you are Mr. Ramsey is also forgetful He
frequently goes off and forgets his washerwoman.
Mr. Ramsey is a very fine looking He
reminds me of Mr.. Green, the Maiden murderer.
When Mr. Ramsey goes to the penitentiary which
will be very soon, must send him doughnuts,
magazines and other literary documents. Mr.
Ramsey read print very we'll
| like you very much. | should like you just
well if you twelve years older. I'm very
singular about some things.
You spoke to me about boy who is my rival
l should feel very sorry to kill that boy, but he
may drive me to it, I in hopes he may take
himself into a premature tomb-that he may
choke himself with large slice of pudding, but
If he does neither shall be forced to load him
with chains and read all my lectures to him. That
will finish him. His boots may remain, but the
rest of him will have perished miserably long
before | have got through.
You must be good little girl and always mind
your mother Never let your excellent mother
feel sorry that she is acquainted with you. If it
hadn't been for her you might have been drowned
in a soup plate long ago. And if you hadn't
had any mother you might now be in Turkey with
the other Turkeys. In fact, my dear Amelia, so
conduct yourself that dark and rainy
days the bright sun may shine wherever you are,
and that the stars (Which are next to the sun in
brightness) may flash so brilliantly but that
you can always look steadily and hopefully toward
them. Faithfully your friend, A. WARD.
Artemus delivered his first lecture in San Fran
cisco in the then greatest auditorium in that city,
Platt's Hall. 1t was gone even before the earth