The daily Alaskan., 1908-06-16

NINE SQUARE MILES OF LAKE ST. CLAIR
 FLATS.
 aggressive knock of a landlord after back rent nor yet the half hearted knock of his laundress come for the $2 he was owing. but yet feeling that she would never handle penny of 1t. and Tat the third knock the major rose up and opened the door. and his heart beat again as he found a stranger there.
 "Is this Major Crotoots office" was asked.
 "It is. Come in."
 "Tm looking for the Major Crofoot that has all sorts of good things to in. vest in."
 "Then you have come to the right place. Have chair"
 Thanks. Now. then, don't wish to take up your valuable time. Have you got anything good on hand? want something perfectly safe that will re- turn me 9 or 10 per cent on the money"
 The major began rubbing his hands and almost gasped for breath. An other sucker had come along at last. AS soon as be could work up a smile and control his voice be sald
 My dear sir. have got half dozen of the best things going. When you speak of 9 or 10 per cent dividends 1t makes me smile. don't deal in such small Ash. Anything l take hold of must pay 30 per cent or drop It."
 Good Lordw calculated the caller as be sat up.
 Thirty per cent at least, sir. What would you say to stocks paying dollar for dollar?"
 Gan it be possible"
 Perfectly possible. my dear sir. The Great American Chicken Glzzard com, pany is going to do better than that this year. The fowls are fed on chalk aud their glzzards thus whitened They are then cooked, spiced and canned. We shipped 10000 cans to the czar of Russia yesterday. He has no gizzard of hls own, you know"
 And if put In a thousand dollars get the same amount back in dividends zach year|
 There is no more stock for sale, my dear sir. just mentioned the Glz- gard company as a sample of my work. There is the Perennial Cucumber com pany, but I'm afraid It's hardly good enough for you. It won't pay over 40 per cent this year."
 But I'm willing to take 40 per cent" replied the man. Gee whiz, but what man can ask for more than that"
 "Very fair, very fair" loftlly replied the major, "but nothing to brag of. Be. ing you have come direct to the office, l want to pick you out something eI' tra. Let me see. The Universal Glass Eye company paid 60 per cent divi- dends two years ago, but last year dropped down to 30. It will be still less than that thls year on account of hard times. Lots of one eyed people will stick a patch over the eye and let It go at that. If you'd come in a month ago 1 could have let you in on the ground floor of the Magic Rat and  Mouse Destroyer. The stock went like wlldAre. and the last was sold at S2O0. We figure 1t will pay 400 per cent divl- dends for the next twenty years"
 And can't get in! Thunder, but why didn't know about itT'
 ereateut Thing In World.
 Greatest thing In the world, my dear sir. It is a trap that goes to the grocery and buys the cheese to bait It. self and then comes home and follows rats and mice Into their holes to catch them. Keeps its own tally and burles It's own dead. Senator Foraker said be would rather be the inventor of that trap than to be president of the United States"
 "But you must have something for me-" insisted the caller in anxious tones.
 "Let me see! Let ne see! HumPh!