The Marion daily mirror. (Marion, Ohio) 1892-1912, 1908-11-21

NfN 81 ~ IJOost
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on the wheel OF my wagon and actual |
ly gave tug at my whlskers to see II |
they were false, Then they called me
old man and old boy and old hoss and
one of them tried to spit tobacco juice
In my fightinK dogs eyes As drove |
on It Just did seem to me that the end
Of the world was at hand. In imagina
ton / could see the destruction of |
Sodom and hear the yells of Its perish
ing inhabitants.
Having reached the town itself, OBJ
ETY. pervaded the place, but thought 1t
might be owing to the fact that there
was man in town from Denver try
ing to sell folding batbtubs and hair
brushes. opened my show by intro
ducing Pilgrim Joe's Alternative
which is well known remedy for
drawing folks back from the grave. |
had scarcely announced that the price
still remained IS cents notwithstand
ing the panic when a crowd begalttO
hoot. In selling this alternative | usu-
ally tell a little story. 1t Is about q
fond mother whose sunny haired little
boy gets In the way OF brick house
and is crushed to pulp. The mother
sits grieving over the remains and
walllng out that there is no more hap
plness for her on this earth when an
angel comes flying down with a bottle
Of my Justly celebrated remedy in her
hand. She pats the grieving mother on
the head and then sprinkles some of
the alternative over the remains of
the child. In FIVE minutes he is chas-
ing grasshoppers and the mother Is
laughing in glee and wondering when
the next circus will come along.
Seeing that the crowd at Stop Here
was little out Of humor, started in
10 tell this story, but 1t brought missiles
instead of tears and smiles. A major.
lty of those missiles collided with my
sacred body, and for the only time in
thirteen years l was somewhat embar-
rassed. / passed the picture along and
substituted "The Discovery OF Ameri-
ca" No good. They threw tobacco cuds
at Christopher as he stood and gazed
upon America. / substituted the 1.-Two
Orphans" but the ragged and starving
little girls, wandering around in
snowstorm at night In search Of fod-
der and sympathy, were advised to
cut It out. In desperation changed to
the most sacred picture in the collec-
ton, which represents a field Of battle
at night after the fighting There are
dead and wounded scattered about,
and instead Of being on their roosts
and asleep thousands Of buzzards are
lowering o'er the scene. There are an
gels there weeping DER the dead or
praying with the wounded and other
angels with clubs whacking away at
the buzZards.
When / exhibited this picture in the
towns of Step High, Go On, Merry L
and Who Cares, there were such tears
and sobs as produced wave Of infiu-
enza all through the state, and hun
dreds OF men rode from ten to fifty
miles to tell me that they would not
enlist In the army II Japan licked us
ten times over.
On this occasion, however, the pic
ture was received In frozen silence.
This lasted about a minute, and then
the audience began to guy the sacred
angels and sick on the buzzards. The
angels were advised to try this or that
breakfast food and to put on tailor
made gowns and wear MERRY Widow"
hats, and when stepped to the front
and protested against such sacrflege
there were shouts for me to pull down
my vest and get or the earth.
have no desire to pose as dis
coverer or explorer or to make my fel
low man out worse than he Is, but my
convictions are:
First.-Sacred things are gradually
losing their sacredness.
Second.-A spirit Of levity Is abroad
In the land
Third.--Thls world will eventually be
mighty tough neighborhood to live In.
Fourtb.-If you have pain any
where In the family or among your
distant relatives, take Pilgrim JOe's
Annihllator.
Fifth.-.If you haven't got a pain, but
are slowly dying from grief, old age or
disappointment, take Pilgrim Joe's Al
tentative. 1t win bring you back to
youth and oyster stews and give you a
chance to start even with the world.
There Is no other. II your family
druggist tries to get you to take a bot
tie Of hair dye In its place, cali him a
horse thief and walk out
NJ. QUAD.