The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1908-08-23
TEE ELIXIR OF YELLOW BEND
MALE eHAMPY GATES SHOVEL
UNCALLED FOR LOVE,
But Made Aieck Harrigan Say what He
Had Been Trying for Two Years TO Say
A Love Potion That Didn't Quite
Work According to 4pecincA0One

Had Been Trying for TWO Years 20 Say
A Love Potion That Didn't Quite
Work According to Specifications.
The aged stranger who occupied the stool
nexs 20 John Heffren's In the railroad restau-
rant difidently asked the attendant for a
glass Of root beer. John dropped his fork
on the floor, coughed and turned q hvid
purple. II was very alarming.
Out! Sashayl' he gasped.
we climbed into the smoking car and
Hefrcn wiped his eyes.
THAT came powerful near fetchin' me,
brother" he said solemnly. Done me out
O. pie and puddin' and maybe d~oughnuts,
that old missionary did,
Il don't see why root beer should startle
you to that extent" I observed.
Nor" unused John. well, when you
onrope recollections sudden and ferce-I
amt thought OF Swampy Gates for 30 long
that it jolted me plumb twisty ways. Please
PASS the makinH"
l administered tobacco and Mexican
paper. We rolled cigarettes and the train
clattered over the prairie.
This Gates person. said Henren, was
oook at the FLYNN o. A real. talented cook,
iSwampy was, but with a face on him hat
would stampede stock outen q hay bottom.
Homely2 For genuine, hand wove homeli-
ness Swampy's oountenanoe had every
thing beat from a lynx to a landslide. o.
Also, he was underweight and under
sized and pesky set and sour in his intel
lects. But that's nothin'. There was never
good cook yet but what was q reverse
action crank.
Gates and me and young Lon MoKenpa
was stranded once In the town OF Yellow
Bend. The hotel boss was feedin' and
beddin' OF US against the time we went to
work ut the FLYNN o. but we was busted
worse'n IL we was tryin' to sell shamrocks
In Jerusalem, and 1t had got 30 we couldn't
"a squoze a loan Of cash money outen any
. body in the Bend with q hydraulic ram.
"All we could do was TO convaleece around
the hotel and sleep and cuss and eat and
cuss and then cuss. 'Twarn't gay. Along
side OF US the Man in the Iron Mask was
like Happy Hooligan.
sOne night in the dinin' room we takes
notice that the waiter girl smokers right
smart when she planIs dow Ions coffee.
Young McKenna drinks Of 1t oautious.
-'B'krymussl' he says. I think I'm pi-
soned! How's our cupf'
Mine was all right. and Swampy's. his
waR.
swell says Lon. I amt ever dug my
tongue into sny contraption with the ornery
taste Of this brew he says.
we heard the lady In the kitchen squeal-
in and saw her rubberin' her fool neck
around the door. MoKenna gets his mad
up. He r'ars out to the office. n allows
he'll make a kick and slaughter somethin'.
Me and Swampy attempted for to restrain
this volcanic McKenna, and while we was
arguin' here comes Aleck Harrigan, that
ran a sheep outfit fifty miles easterly.
, .An unsuitable Providence had sent
HarTigan there to ~promuIgate events and
disasters, but Of course We didn't savvy
that none. II we had We wouldn't a
whooped at him 80 hilarious.
What's you all doin' in Yellow Bend,
Aleck?' l says,
~Harrigan ne up and blushed down to the
hooks. He was a rip snortin1y big man, and
when he blushed he looked like q new
rel water tank. and he warn't near so
laxative. Blu after we'd manuuvred
some Of his silver over the bar and was
gettin' quick returns on the Investment
Harrigan cuts loose morose conversation.
"'Boys,' said he, I hikes over here to
Yellow Bend this mornin' to ask a woman to
marry me. ! amt did 1t. / amt got the
nerve. I'm goin' back to the ranch.
I've been here monthly for the last two
years-same business, same woman. Every
dunn time my nerve lays down on me. Can't
talk. My endearments get all choked up,
like lambs in a chute. Boys he says, I'm
that begged | half calculated for TO try
this magical fandango onto her, but l
didn't
With that he gives a handful 10 Lon
McKenna, who reads the same to himself.
He read it hard too-fair punohin' his nose
through the paper; and no was SO intricate
by thai ~lit'ratoor that he didn't pay no
more attention to Aleck Harrigan. who
slipped out sad to take the night stage.
-kcKenna beckoned us into a corner OF
the saloon, and he, was sure excited.
Look at thatl' he whispers.
THE handful scid as now a professor
by the name Of Magnetic Vaudeville had
opened a booth In Yellow Bend and that
for six bits apiece he was ready to tell
fortunes, disrobe the future and mix a
magic drink to give folks TO make 'em
stuck on you. "A love portion the pro-
fessor calls II on the bill.
Which he's nutty, says Gates, and
depraved.' .
Maybe says Lon. But that's what
that gigglin' girl put in my coffee, III bet
your life.'
'Hoi' said I. You must think your
features murder ladies on sight l said.
You must think you're Lord Kitchener or
Nat Goodwin or somebody, l said.
Never you mind!' CALCULATES NICK emma.
I'm a-goin' to hunt up this professor and
make a proposition to him for to adver-
tise his goods. Don't YOU see? II I had
set to work this evenin' and howled words
Of affection at that biscuit shooter there'd
be a boom in the sale of love portions in
this vicinity and dom you forget 1t! That's
what I'm a-goin' to put right up to Mag
netic Vaudeville. and reckon hen detaoh
some spondoolicks on the play. Are you
In, HeffrenT he says.
1T seemed crazy, but l was in. We've Ia
P moor!' l says.
we skunk along down the street, and
Swampy he trailed on too.
'Mandeville's tent stood on the outskirts
OF Yellow Bend. The professor'd gone to