The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1908-05-10

out a choice line of raspberry shrub re-
marks, we may still fear him. but we
lose some of the respect. Up until that
time we've been wondering why he
ever accumulated so much coin.
After we hear him talk we quit won
dering why and begin to wonder how.
There's not a nine-hundred-d ollar-a-
year county school superintendent in
Indiana that can't talk forget-me-not
borders around any moulty millionaire
on earth. We never really begin to
shorten mans measure until he opens
up. That's where the Sphinx has it all
over Mammoth Cave. One stands for
mystery and inserutabre wisdom and
Cooks Tours up the Nile, and the
other stands for a loud, roaring sound
and no privacy whatever.
Larry, there comes time in the life
of every man who's too rich when you
have to watch him very Closely It's
usually along about the time when he
quits having emotions and begins to
have symptoms. He's spent forty or
fifty years taking it away from the
pOpulace with one hand, and spiking
it down with the other. Up until that
time his main regret has been that he
didn't have as many arms as one of
those spidery East Indian gods SOS he
could take it away from 'em faster.
Unexpectedly he wakes up some morn
ing to a realization that he's not get
ting such d big run for his money. He
probably has son with one of those
brain-proof skulls and a bright express
sive face like a German carp-most
| rich men have that kind-and while
| he's been wearing dollar undershirts,
Young HOpefui'S been making it posi-
| Bile for the dealers to handle pajamas
retailing for $3.50 at profit. He also
| finds he's got a lot of daughters that,
matrimonially speaking, are chiefly
useful for the European export trade.
They have what the society addresses
call interesting faces. When you read,
Larry, in the account of the marriage
of a rich mans child TO a foreign duke
that the bride has an interesting face,
you can rest assured that's what she's
got. and not only interesting, but al
most startling. I've noticed that most
of the millionaires daughters have that
brand of face. l don't know why, but
they do. 1 think maybe it's the money
breaking out on them.
$50. as I was saying. our poor rich
man wakes up. He decides that he
ought to jump right on the merry-go-
round and begin to snatch the brass
rings. If he undertakes to eSchew his
customary street car, and go in for
something fancy, the dealers sting him.
| His horses never are broke, and his
automobiles always are. If he falls to
the lure of the steam yacht, he discov-
| erS as soon as he gets out of sight of
land that he lost his sea legs about the
time he parted from his shore hair and
his inland teeth. The last thing he ate
! gives the death rattle in his throat, and
/ they have to take him out on the back
( porch of the yacht and drape him over
/ the rail and let him voice his sincere
regrets to the vastly deep. He may
J decorate his wife with so much jewelry
| that she'll never have to wear heavy
underclothes again. but she'll still have
| those same large, broad, common
| sense feet, and even in her cut jet and
/ black velvet, the casual bystander will
! be able to tell that in her earlier days
! she must have known a good deal
/ about stocking a kitchen range.
! ''Or else he suddenly wants to talk
/ for publication, and that's worse. He
ought to stay content to the end. If he
/ hasn't been spender, he oughtn't to
! try, because it takes practice to do it
! gracefully, and the same with handling
| the language. His descendants will
/ look after those details for him after
/ he's dead. If you don't believe it,
call your attention to the GOulds and
| the Thaws and a few others.
There's one old boy stopping here
! that fulfills my ideals of how a con-
/ firmed coin collector ought to round out
| his career. Even with his night shirt
! on, I'll bet you he still resembles 8 per
\ cent and approved security. He has an
/ eye like an undertaker's night bell, and
/ a profile like a can opener. When he
! smiles, he makes you think of q man
| drawing a knife. There are little red
and blue lines in his cheeks like those
you see in a new dollar bill. When he
| dies, nothing'n grow on his grave ex-
| cept little long green flowers that
bloom every ninety days like a promis-
! sorry note. Any time he gave you
! something for nothing, and you tried to
/ hook it, you'd be charged storage by
any self-respecting pawnbrOker. You
can look at the back of his neck. and
know that when a dollar gets into his
custody the eagle loses the need of its
! wings. forevermore.
! But l like him to be that way,
| Larry. He's living pictpre of what
money will do for you when you
| haven't got anything else. Every time
( / see him and reflect that Bradstreet
4 gives him of those XXX ratings, like
a barrel of patent flour, get more and
more reconciled to being poor"
You couldn't take his money,
| spose?" said the House Detective.
His money!" said the Hotel Clerk.
| Larry, you couldn't take his tempera-
! f1rvo