davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-04-25

be man or mouse in these matters,
and temptation Is q word for children
but because OF the soft stuff that you've
got to insert into your system while
you're on your abstemous behavior
You can't you see. take a cigar every
time the drinks come around. I think We
all have a secret dislike. haven't we. for
the fellow who stuffs his pockets with ci-
gars at the expense OF his friends at one
of these little foregathering sessions?
Well. you've got to take something They
won't let you go along with them unless
you take something. You know that you
can enjoy the chaw and the stories with.
out anything TO drink. but they look upon
you as a cold-hearted criminal IL you're
not joining them I'm some old kind Of a
drink. even IL it's soft. BY the time
you've had about an hour of that soft
drink consumption you feel like you've
got a kind Of Magdalena bay smashing
around inside of you. The soft stun Is all
but coming out OF your eyes. and your
appetite Is gone. and you re sort OF peevish
over It, and you barely nibble at your
dinner when you get home. and your wife
looks you over as IL you've some dark and
guilty secret that you're keeping from
her. and maybe she asks you IL you
haven't known her long enough to trust
her, and why don't you out with II and
tell her what awful impending trouble 10
haunting you: and all like that.
'Whachagontave? is a fooler question.
in my opinion. than is IL hot? or Is II
cold enough for your and I wish We had
some law providing for thirty days for
the fellow who asks It."
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-04-25

but really I don't believe that your sus.
piciOns were ever-er-exactly correct: al
though OF course one can never tell about
these men; they will all bear watching.
no matter how goody-goody they may
seem to be. Well. that old freak Mrs
Stickalong. has been touching and touch
ing and touching up her hair for the
past five or six months, until now it's alb
solutely the color OF the red burlap on my
dining room walls. And atop of all Of
that horribly funny flame on her head.
would you believe it. she goes right on
penciiing her eyebrows a dead jet black.
until she is a perfect bowling sight. My
dear, there's quite q black splotch along
side your left eye. Let me see what il
Is. Oh. it's a streak. and II seems to
be running from the eyebrow. These
warm. unreasonable evenings. you know
one does perspire 50. One can't be too
careful to-er- Oh. you're letting your
hair come back to its natural color.
aren't you. dear? noticed how dark
and muddy the roots look at the back.
Well, think your natural hair becomes
you more, though. of course, you can't
expect II ever to come back to its real
color. like 1t used to be. again. Well.
II l."
And then the curtain swung up and
everybody around said 'Sh-sh.' and the
carroty-haired one glared around at ev-
erybody as II to burn 'em up where they
sat in their seats. and the show went on.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-04-25
Social CORRESPONDENCE Of The Star.

correspondence
NEW YORK, April -. 1908
EFT us start again with a bromid-
ium. to wit: "'Iis an iconOclas-
tic age" Which is the idol now
IL shattered or at least in process
of demolition?
Tim Sullivan no less! Timothy DRY
Dollar" Sullivan. The Big Feller. The
ply himself at one time-not so remote
time. either-was said to be afraid. The
-puissant abstemious TIM never hit q
crock o suds or took a smoke in me hull
life" is his boasts right now having
the creased skids of popular dsapproval
placed under him. Presently. it is said,
he will be rolling to the Stag heap. dis
graced and discredited. For why? Be
cause he has shown. clearly and indis-
puia ably. the yellow streak which certain
insiders-Murphy included-have known
for some time he possesses.
The Big Feller laid down" on Pat Nc
Car-en when that unlovely politician was
fighting with his back to the wall the
other day. All hands within and without
Tammany know how much the Big Feller
owes to McCarren. The two have been
side-wallopers in all sorts Of sinister
schemes for many years McCarren. who
is stioker no matter what else may
be said OF him-and Providence only
knows how big a book it would take ia
embody everything that might be said OF
the elongated Patrick-always has stuck
along with Big Tim through all adversi-
ties and vicissitudes. But the other day,
when Murphy had the pipes all laid to
shoot McCarren TO the political discard.
and pulieu the expulsion of as per sched-
ule Sullivan. who. of course. knew what
was going to come of in advance Of the
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-04-25

himself. perceiving that his caller an
swered to T his friends description Of
the insistent female book agent. here she
Is! Well. 1 just won't do one solitary
thing but converse an arm of her before
she gets a chance to nudge in even her
preliminary spiel. You've got to fight fire
with fire.
"Ah. good afternoon. madame" said the
real state man. rising and waving his
right hand deprecatingly at the package
under his visitors arm. You have your
sample copies with YOU. I perceive. Mad
anne, l have heard Of you. and beg to
suggest to you the desirability of sparing
your breath. In the first place. am nat
urally mean, grabbed. stingy man. and
it's as much as my family can do to
make me support 'em without invoking
the aid OF the courts. In the second
place. I'm busy organizing house and
lot trust just now. and SO you could spin
ahead and talk Picturesque Asia Minor
to me until your teeth needed refilling.
deed you could, and 1 wouldn't hear a
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-04-25

about sixty minutes. why. / just cavad-
plumb northumberland let her put me
down for ninety-eigfc Picturesque Asia
Minors Just couldn't think of any
other way. that's all. She'll get you. I'm
gambling on that"
Then he went ahead and described the
female book agent person SO that the
other would know her as soon as she
waited herself into his Office on orris-
laden zephyts. and then the man who
tells X on himself said:
"All right. l need those smokes. You're
q good thing. It's about a trillion to one
against you"
On that very same afternoon. while the
real estate man was writing a reproving
letter to tenant for even daring to
suggest such a thing as a new bathtub
a shrewd-faced we'll constructed. rather
handsome woman OF thirty or So with
an ominous-lOoking package under her
ARM entered the real estate mans Office.
diffusing the aroma of violets.
"Ah-ha," said the real estate man to
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-04-25

public money in this way. and the pro-
vision inserted in the sundry civil bill. II
adopted by the House. will put an end TO
the activities of the departmental BLACK
cabinet" in Washington.
Does Prohibition Prohibit
In the hearings on that same sundry
civil bill there is some information bear
ing on the prohibition question that Ii
calculated to make both 'wets" and
''drys' sit up and take notice. Last year
a provision was inserted in the bill cos
Ing the canteens or beer halls in the
national soldiers homes. Reports made
by the home governors at the close OF
the first eight months of the operation OF
this particular phase of the anti-canteen
law shows that at the home at Togus
Me.-prohibition Maine-the cases OF
acute alcoholism in the first dry" eight
months. as compared with the last wet
eight months. increased just exactly 81
per cent. Elsewhere In the non-prohibi-
ton states 1t was bad enough. but pro-
hibition Maine holds the record In this
respect.
1t may be that this has some bearing
upon the mooted question OF whether
prohibition does or does not prohibit.
Pure Food Laws in Force.
According to my friend the genial grocer
people are getting to be SO careful and
cautious nowadays that everybody wants
to know something about everything that
enters into his daily Hfe He says, rather
disgustedly. that with some folks not a
thing can get by unless Ii carries about
four government labels. three world 8
fair medals and an irOnclad firm guar
antee.
Pure-food legislation is responsible.
without doubt. for this condition. helped
along. of course by all the newspaper
agitation that accompanied the prepare
ton and passage of the law. But, at
any rate, the government. with all the
great forces at its command, has taken
such an active hand In this modern cam
paign of education that now pretty nearly
everything. from tOOthache drops to dill
pickles, must have its serial nupher and
its brief but pointedly descripQD lam
guage on the original package.
Gone are the old days wheN man
with some capital. unlimited nerve and
an active imagination could endow a
flock of libraries from the sale OF glu-
cose. tomato seeds and aniline dye as
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-04-25

| ceived just the other day by Representa-
tive Walter Smith of Iowa. Judge Smith
has habit of referring to the people or
his district as 1.-THE most enlightened con-
stituency in the world" and. to tell the
truth. their action in sending the Judge
to CONGRESS- constitutes prima facia evil
dence OF the truth of this boast. But just
the same. one member Of this same con-
stttuency slipped cog the other day.
Dear Judge" he wrote to Mr.. Smith.
Il understand the Agricultural Depart
ment is experimenting. and has been for
some time. with a new variety OF seedless
to perfection and are distributing it..
please send me some of the seeds.
"Black Cabinet Formed.
In the sundry civil bill. reported a few
days ago. Representative Tawney and his
colleagues Of the appropriations commit
| tee have done their best to limit the ac-
| tivities of the secret service black cab
| met that has been formed in Washing
| ton during the last halfdecade. and that.
| during the past couple OF years, has rap
| idly grown in favor with departmental
heads. There is already a provision OF
law intended to limit secret service activ-
| ity to the detection and capture of coun.
terfeiters. the protection OF the person of
the President and other work OF this kind.
but from the revelations made before the
appropriations committee 1t has been
evaded with ease. AS a result depart
| ment heads have called on the secret
service division for sleuths to do this.
that and the other thing. and In effect
there is a departmental "black cabinet in
Washington that closely approximates
the secret service bureau of the Russian
government in st. Petersburg. This may
sound foolish but ii isn't even a little bit
so, as is proven by the alarm with which
the appropriations committee regarded
the situation.
Careful inquiry convinced the members
of the committee that. through an eva
sion of the law. secret service men had
| been used for about every sort OF work
that they shouldn't have been employed
on but the straw that broke the camers
back was the discovery that a. secret
| service man, borrowed or detailed OF
| loaned or recommended-whateve 1t may
| be called-to the Secretary of the Navy
| had been engaged in collecting divorc!
| court evidence about q certain navy do
nestle triangle. The committee thought
1t was going a little too far to expend
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-04-25

line and sparkling plugs. Oh. tonneaus and
| tiddlewinks. If Jimmie had only stuck
that pastoral of gentle spring on somebody
else besides the Speaker. There may be
times In the life of Uncle Joe when he
is entranced and enthralled by the purple
OF the Judas tree and the rioting colOFs
of assorted foliage. but If so. this isn't
one of them. 1t may be possible that upon
occasion he has stopped TO comb his sill
vered beard and sigh like furnace. but
that occasion has not been Of violently
recent date. And it's a dozen Saint eau
dens' medals to a string of passe sausages
that If he saw this loves young dream
thing as chronicled by Jimmie Hay-and
I've no desire to question the facts in
the yarn-that he kicked a tree in the
midrin and swOre with amazing fuency.
gentleman of seventy-odd. who Is pes
tered during the day by f1libustering
democrats. and during the night by four
fiushes and other untitled possibilities. is
not in a position to appreciate-particu-
larly at ~ in the morning-the abstract
delights of daylight hug-fest.
However. the facts in the proposition
and this 1 almost forgot-have nothing
to do. one way or the other. with the ar
gument / advanced when / started this
tale o. spring. 1t just shows-Jimmie
Hays story does-what this spring-thing
feeling will do TO an ordinarily semi-sane
and occasionally sensible mortal.
From q "Constitooent."
IL 50 easy 10 De NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS.,
sighed Tama Jim Wilson of Iowa. the
other day. in his Office at the Agricul-
tural Department. 1.-The farmers of this
country are a mighty substantial lot and
they have a long line of horse sense, too.
Their class sense of humOr--as we under
stand the phrase-is the only thing ever
doubted. and. since l received a rather
peculiar letter last week. I'm in more of
a Quandary than ever. Please look 1t over
and tell me whether 1t is profoundly seri-
GUS or entirely frivOlOus-Or both And
he handed me three or four sheets of
closely-written. third-class post office pa.
per. Here Is the letter:
1.-The Honorable Secretary of Agriculture.
Esteemed Sir: l take my pen in hand
to write you about the Agricultural De.
partment. I don't suppose you want to
hear from me. but l want you to read
this. AS l help to pay your salary you
ought to do it. l will be just as short as
l can.
II have been a farmer all my life and
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-04-25

there amt any mortgage over my head.
/ amt generally regarded as a kicker. 1
don't think the world owes me a living
and am hog for work. Neither do
believe / know 1t all. and some time ago
when heard you had experts to find out
everything and send advice to US farmers.
l just thought 1t was fine l asked my
congressman what should do to get some
of this free advice that was going around.
and he told me to write to the publica-
ton division of the Agricultural Depart
ment. which you run. mentioning his
name. l did 1t. saying that I was a far
mer. that didn't know it all. and that !
was after some bulletins to help me in
my farming.
A Prize Package.
along about a week later a package
came for me. and l was real tickled and
after me and Mirandy had finished supper
and the dishes was wiped l sets down and
opened the package. intending to absorb
some Of that free Information right there
on the spot having concluded that Ia
been farming sight too long in the old
ignorant way.
But I'll be honswaddled if l WASH t
surprised when l picked up the first bull
letin to see that 1t was preliminary
study of the organization of the spores OF
the aganrieus campestris and other ba-
sisiomycetous fungi. Mr.. Secretary. I'm
plumb ignorant. but I amt never tackled
a crop like that. and i amt going to-
looked through the bulletin. but couldn t
make head nor tail of it. SO / laid it aside
and picked up another. That there frs;
one says I to myself, Slipped in by mis-
take
when opened that second bulletin
I'll be dodgasted II 1t wasn't more out
landish than the first. 1t was about the
formation of the spores in the sporangia
of rhizopus n1gracans and Of phycOmyces
ntens. Without going too much into my
feelings when / read that thing. I'll con-
tinue. The third bulletin picked up was
about the physiological role of mineral
nutrients in plants. which didn't mean a
whole lot to me: the fourth told how to
cultivate the Central American rubber
tree, and the fifth was about wither tip
and other diseases of citrus trees and
fruits caused by cOlletOtrichum gloe-
sperioides. You can believe me, Mr. Sec
rotary. when 1 tell you that l amt going
to plant any rubber trees on; mere in
Michigan. and that l don't give cuss
whether it's the colletotrichum gloesperf-
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-04-25
turns you loose, at that"

turns you loose, at that"
you're on. for all the smokes you car
carry" was the brisk reply OF the victim
Of this narrative. you've no idea what
son-of-a-gun Of a craggy proposition
am when Il comes to dealing with coy
persuasive. conversational female book
agent persons"
"All right. you wait and see that's ali. -
said the friend. Il thought I was there
with the adamant myself until this one
blew in on me yesterday afternoon. But
couldn't get rid of her short of ringing
up Maj. Sylvester. She chased me all
over my Office. hoped from desk to
desk like any little birdie or chamois OF
the Alps. finally landing at the table
where my Office boy sits and sleeps the
long. dreamy spring days away: but II
was no go. She never stopped to take
long breath, and she, sprinted RICH,
after me wherever l leaped. and after
I'd been neglecting my business by listen.
ing to her low. passionate entreaties fol-
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-04-25
FIGHTING BOOK AGENT FIRE WITH F1RE-
. HIS Washington real est

~ HIS Washington real estate man
tells 1t on himself.
On the down car one morning
last week he met a friend. also In the
real estate business.
Say" inquired the friend. has that
coy. persuasive. conversational female
hood agent. who's selling Picturesque
Asia Minor In ninety-eight numbers. 80
cents down and 50 cents a week for life,
visited your Office YETI
Nope" replied the man who tells the
thing on himself. Haven't been cor
rallied by any person of that description
up to date"
well, she'll be dropping in OH you
presently, I'll bet the Smokes" said the
friend "And I'll bet you a'whole lot of
smokes that she nails you for ninety-eight
Picturesque Asia Minors before she
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-04-25

ways drive me to such transports OF de-
lirious enthusiasm that l really am not
fit to be seen or heard for days after 1
look at 'em, honest I amt In the nth
place"
The erstwhile smiling face of the real
estate mans somewhat handsome visitor
had been gradually assuming a severe ex-
preston. When the real estate man reach
ed his 'fifthly." with no symptoms OF
stopping. she suddenly picked up a rub
Der ruler from his desk. brought it down
with a bang that ratified the ink wells.
bent toward the real estate man and
looked him square In the eye. and said
In cold. clear decided tones, every word
falling like the click Of dollar gun
metal watch:
MY good man. when l WAS recon-
mended to come to you on matter OF
business. / was not informed that you
were a drunken, impudent ruff1an. i am
glad. however. that l have found that
out for myself before putting any Of my
business affairs into your keeping. My
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-04-25
odes or something else that don't agree
with citrus trees, because / amt got
In Case He Should Move.

with citrus trees, because l amt got
any.
In Case He Should Move.
THE next one of these valued docu-
ments which met my eye was about the
permatogenesis and formulation Of zamia.
and the next was about the North Amer
lean species Of spartina. The last men,
toned was real welcome because Id
heard about it somewhere, but otherwise
it wasn't valuable because l amt ever
COINS to plant it on my farm.
II was a little bit encouraged. but the
next one I looked at set me back, for
1t was about experiments In range I'M
provements in central Texas. That was
| in plain English. but 1 amt as much in
terested as l might be in things down
that way: but 1 guess I'll keep that bull
| letin by me In case l should ever move.
The next / looked at was about copper
as an algicide and disinfectant in water
supplies / was right smart poisoned by
a copper kettle once, and I've got
fine spring on my place. besides wind.
mill which pumps water out or a wei
! for the stock.
There was only three more of them
books left, and they were all dsappoint-
ing One of them told about the methods
fo- controlling and retaining sand dunes,
of which there amt any on my farm.
The next was about the prickly pear
ana OtfloT cdctiItldS IOOU cSOShs "hiNA
riled me some. as 1 amt a man naturally
cruel to animals. and the last of the
bate Oh was called Budding the Pecan. We
read In the papers about looping the
loop. and If budding the pecan Is any
thing similar l can't see. by heck, what's
it's got to do with farming.
Hoping that you will read this letter
and that / got the wrong package by
mistake-not wishing to think unkindly
of you and the Agricultural Department
l remain. with respect, etc. etc"
II think" said Tama Jim. "after ]
had handed the letter back to him and
he had folded 1t and grumpily replaced
it III his desk. that somebody is trying
to have fun with me-"
I agree with the Secretary and go him
one better in thinking that somebody
was right successful.
Just Slipped Cog.
Mentioning this same Agricultural De-
partment reminds me of a letter re-
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-04-25
vHAT ancient quatra in-indictment
which tells of the young mans
fancv lightly turning III love In

"HAT ancient Quatra in-indictment
which tells of the young man. g
fancy lightly turning to love in
the springtime certainly is a
true bill Any reasonably OBJ
serving citizen who VIII. keep his eyes
open for even a few hours of the twenty
four can find ample proof of the fact on
every side. For instance, there's my
friend Jimmie Hay. Without doubt.
Jimmie Is the most prOsatc and material
istic soul that ever dwelt within the
somewhat narrow confines of this nervous
planet. He has all the emotions of a
BARRIERS pole. but no more. and ordinarily
sentiment of all sorts bounces off his hide
like hail from tin roof.
An Impressionistic Paragraph.
But this is the gentle springtime and
even Jimmie has felt its influence.
One day last week he drifted up DO me
wearing a sheepish expression and carry
ing couple of sheets of yellow copy
paper.
Glance this over said he. land let me
know what you think of it. It's just a
sort of impressionistic paragraph. but I'm
going to send IT along to the Daily Hand
bill. because they like this kind of stuff
and. anyhow. enjoyed writing it. l felt
kind Of in the mood.
Here's what he had written:
Down one of the graveled paths in the
Capitol grounds. young romance walked
this morning and Speaker Cannon. on his
way to the House. catching a glimpse Of
the scene. stroked his silvered beard and
sighed.
ION the southern slope of the grounds.
where today the purple OF the Judas tree
and the white of the bridal wreath add to
the riot of color. a young couple. evidently
enthralled by the spirit of dreams. strolled
hand In hand. and once. the young man.
trusting too much to the sheltering
foliage, put his arm around the girls
waist.
The Speaker saw-and sighed
And the young couple. Oblivious to the
envious eyes and high potentates, wasted
time with backward glances. 1t is
doubtful if they even noticed the purple
and white Of the blossoms about them.
But the Speaker did. and when he
called the House to order there was still
a dreamy light in his eyes.
Any One But Mr.. Speaker.
Oh. huckleberries and Goldfish Oh. gasO
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-04-25

reason for coming to you was that I was
dissatisfied with the neglected. manner
with which Mr.. -" manning the cha
grtned real estate mans deadliest real
estate rival up the streep has been
handling my tenants. and. as I was in
formed that you were a responsible man.
had intended transferring all OF my
have fortunately discovered that you
make practice Of becoming disgustingly
drunk and insulting during business
hours. l bid you very panied good after
noOn.'
Whereupon, Notwithstanding the real
estate mans frenxied efforts to explain,
she swept grandly out, holding her pack
age tightly under her arm. stepped into
her handsome carriage and was driven
away.
Now the real estate man is waiting i'm
patiently for the real coy persuasive
conversational female book agent to an
pear in his Office. He has some observe
tions to make unto her.