The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-11-04
A Character Sketch.

"A ShaA ANVIL ohCtCA.
He was red headed and of course
eAcitable; but, what may seem incem-
patibie with the foregoing. he was also
mysterious II he wanted to tell you
the most commonplace thing he would
call you into the next room and com
municate II In II whisper He was eter
nally discovering suspicious circum-
stances, and II anything dreadful hap
pened he would shrug his shoulders In
way that meant Il told you So"
He was an exceedingly knowing man
You could mention no subject. from
the manufacture of toothpicks to Il text
In Scripture. but what he had been
studying about It for twenty years,
and he always had II theory concerning
the matter. His theory might not be
any blood relation to the facts In the
case-lt hardly ever was-but this did
not mellow his posltiyeness nor damp
en- his enthusiasm.
Finally his etferyescent tempera ineni
got the better Of him, and he publish.
ed book. Nothing ordinary would
satisfy him. so he gave 1t title which
would cover every subject. from the
fall OF Adam to the discovery of IA
process for making embalmed beef and
from the town Of Podunk. where he
lived In body. to the Milky Way, where
his head usually sojourned. He called
his book The Universe Origin and
Destiny nothing small about the title
ut any rate.
The work started out by telling how
the universe began business and
wound Up by describing dead sure
process To make rain. Between times
II kept whacking away at the scien-
lists. In Il quite cheerful and offhand
manner 1t showed how fallacious are
all present systems of knowledge. The
universe was first pushed out of moth
ingness by means of spiral vibra-
tional vortex system, and this was ex-
planned by a number of disquietIng
cGis that seemed intended to give IA
man wheels and mix him up In his men
tai bearings.
But II all hinged on rainmaking
The old man had n theory OF shooting
u
dry atmosphere for the drinks, and. az
this theory did not seem TO fit IN with
anything In the universe, there was
nothing more natural than that he
should proceed to construct universe
that ii would tit In with which he ne
cord,n.,ly did
After the book had made Its appear
ance the old man would come In with
u great flourish OF trumpets. Profess
or So-and-sa has Just given me the
greatest Endorsement" When ques
toned as 10 what the professor had
said, We'll he said If | could estab
fish my theory | would have II theory
established. And the old man WAS az
gleeful over II as IL child
The next thing WIS to establish the
theory. and here again 1t hinged ON
rainniGLlng. III he could only make 1t
rain. the spiral vibrational vortex sys-
TEN would follow rs II matter Of
course. But Ia order to make rain he
had to lombard the heavens, and In
to have powder and guns. and IN or
der to have powder and guns he lad
to have money There was the rub.
So he went to that last resort OF the
man with IA schemof the legislature.
He had bill Introduced appropriating
$1,000 to help him make 1t rain
Then began a process of buttonhol
ing members. during which the Old
mans feathers perceptibly fell. Final
ly the member who introduced the blu
went back on 1t, and the poor thing
had not a friend left. This ~ade the
old man fighting mad. He swore It
was because of political bias and he
would wait for another legislature.
In two years different political par
ty was In power, and the old man
again went after his appropriation.
but, alas, only to meet the same sad
fate as before
This broke his heart He now had
nothing to do but to sit around and
cuss the damfoollshness Of this blind
and perverse generation. In which oc
cupatioD he got back some OF his old
time enthusiasm.
But he stu believed In rainmaking
and In his spiral yibrational vortex
system with wheels In IT., and he sill
had an auburn halo and an efferyescent
temperament