davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-04-29
MORE FRATERNAL INSURANCE
ALodge Of the Mystic Workers of the
World Organized in Denison.

Another of the fraternal insurance
socities has gained foothold in Deni
son. The community was visited by
E. E. Farley. the Iowa state deputy.
and Mrs. Marie C. Healy district
deputy. and after careful work a lodge
was organized. Feeling that the
holding of weekly meetings would be
burdensome. the members have decided
for the present not to hire hall. but
simply take the insurance. The head
quarters of the order are at Fulton, III.
The Supreme Secretary. Mr.. Edmund
jackson is first c]-ss mutual insur-
ance man and is pushing the order
along. The lodge at Denison has
organized With the following officers
Chas. johnson. Project. A. R. Hill.
Secretary. Mrs c. K. Meyers.
Banker. Henry Godberson, Monitor.
John McGrath, Marshall, VIM. Mat
= lack, Warden. Ida Servoss. Sentinel,
Drs. Carr and Brannon. Lodge Physi-
clans. Chas. johnson. H. A. Allard
and DR.. Brannon. Supervisors.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-04-29
II Mas a New "1eamv to Him.

Heinrich Conried told the following
story once when chatting of his eX-
perience as an operate director: ut
happened in Chicago" said he. ~
Went there to superintend our first sea-
son in Chicago. / got there early in
the afternoon. AS l was registering
at the Auditorium a young, very
young, newspaper man came up and
talked to me. He begged for an inter-
view. / told him had arranged to see
the press at 5. That did not satisfy
him. He was on an afternoon paper.
1t would be feather in his cap if he
could scoop the town. Very WE'LL
said to him, 4 shall give you an in
terview, but it will have to be while
am taking my bath He seemed an
intelligent and earnest young man, and
was willing to do that much for him.
IL turned on the water and Invested
myself of my coat, and the interview
proceeded.
"'What do you open with?' said he.
"I open with Christian und Isolde"
answered.
"'Have they ever been here before?
he queried.'
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-04-29
HIS NARROW ESCAPE.
{ Once Fersuson's Brain Acted
- Quickly Enough.


- Quickly Enough.
George Ferguson" sharply exclaim-
ed his wife after the visitor had gone,
y wouldn't for worlds be as big hyp-
Ocrite as you are!
''In what way" he demanded, "have
I been acting the hypocrite?"
'You know we'll enough. When Cous-
In Jerry showed US the picture of the
young woman he is going to marry
you said, She's as pretty as picture"
and you know she is homely enough to
loosen the paint on brick wall"
George scratched his chin and re
dected a moment.
Mrs. Ferguson-madam," he said,
''don't accuse me of hypocrisy. She Is
us pretty as picture-her own pic
ture."
Even then 1t did not occur to Mrs.
Ferguson to retort that this explana-
ton didn't help him any, as the photo
graph surely was retouched.
And an opportunity for crushing q
husband, once lost, never turns up
again.-Chicago Tribune.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-04-29
Aroused His Wrath.

"Were you ever done in oily ven
tured the wandering portrait painter.
The Old farmer almost leaped out of
his boots.
"Was l ever done in oil?' he roared.
well, ! should say so! A long legged,
fox cared individual that looked some
thing like you came past here last
week and sold me bottle of what was
supposed to be genuine olive oil to eat
on lettuce. When l poured it on the
lettuce it turned out to be sewing ma
chine oil. and, by heck. if thought
that YOU
But the wandering artist was gone
News.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-04-29
Haiti's Legion of Honor.

1t is not generally known that the
famous order OF the Legion of Honor
was adopted at Haiti in 1919 When
Soulouque became emperor under the
name of Faustin L., he instituted an
order in imitation of that which had
been established by Napoleon i'll 1902.
Statues, ribbons and insignia We're pre-
cisely identical, and since the sover-
eign of Haiti distributed his honors to
all and sundry with lavish hand the
French government was considerably
embarrassed. The death of Soulouque
ended the ditticulty.-Paris Gaulois.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-04-29
EeIjcjtous.

A New England man who flatters
himself upon his aptness in saying the
proper thing at the proper time recent
~ revisited his old home in Vermont.
whittier he has not gone in ten years
or more.
Among those he met during the frs.
day Of his visit was coquettish spin
ster, who, with a shipper, said:
I'm Miss Mullins You don't re-
member me, of course"
Remember you." exclaimed the New
England gallant. "As if l could help
doing SO, Miss Mullins! Why, you are
one of the landmarks of the town."-
Harper's Weekly.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-04-29
Iron Eaters.

"The first time l ever swallowed a
tack" said carpet layer, II jumped
to my feet and TREMENDOUSLY asked the
way to the hospital.
whats the matter" my mate, an
old hand, asked.
1--we swallowed a tack said l..
Good gracious, what will become Of
me%
1.-THE old hand sat back ON the car
pet he was laying and laughed.
"'Why. kid said he, it's nothing to
swallow tack. Every professional
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-04-29

carpet layer swallows nalr a oozen OF
SO daily. It's thing that causes no
Inconvenience. If it did. I'd know it.
bet I've swallowed a hundredweight
of tacks in my life'
And I'm sure" the carpet layer con-
Guided. my mate was telling the
truth, for since then I've swallowed
half a hundredweight myself" be
gulped. Hang it, he said: there
goes one now..'-New York Press.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-04-29
Had a Demonstration.

Education doesn't run as much to
the three RS as 1t used to-" explained
the apostle of newness.
What do they have in place of it?"
asked the elderly gentleman.
"They are teaching the youngsters to
do things with their hands,"
Indeed! Maybe that accounts for
the SNOWFALL l stopped with my left
ear as went down the street a bit
ago"
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-04-29
Exactjy.

Little Mrs. Hunter had heard so
many jokes about the brides who
couldn't market successfully that she
made up her mind that the first re-
quest she made of the marketman
would show her to be sophisticated
housewife. Send me, please" she
said, two French chops and 100 green
peas. Judge
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-04-29
Curiosity Gratifed.

"Why do you chew gum"
The young person addressed brought
her jaws together with an unwonted
snap.
"Mebbe it is because like to have
some business of my own to attend to"
she answered. resuming such attention
Observation-Disclosures Ledger.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-04-29
Where He Fell Down.

"You seem to know great deal
about women" remarked the young
man
Yes" replied the great detective.
II know what they ought to do and
can easily find out what they have
done. but confess my inability to tell
what they are going to do."-Detroit
Tribune.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-04-29
Ready For Him.

"Good morning, sir" began the long
haired visitor with the roll of manu-
script. II see you've got your win
dow open. That's sign that spring
Is here. Now, p
"No," interrupted the editor glaring
at him significantly; Its a sign that
the spring poet is here."-Philadelphia
Press
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-04-29
HOPE JONES' TALK.
Forty-five Cents Door Money
Doesn't DispIease Him.
LAYS 1T TO THE HARD TIMES
Tells His Hearers That Women In
America Have at Last Been Recos-
nized as Reasoning, Thinking Human
Beings.
Copyright. 1908.

copyright, 1861
Ladies and Gentlemen of Thornappe
your town contains
only twenty houses, store and a
sawmill and yet to hear its first loco
motive whistle or see it's first broiled
lobster, | am complimented by the
large and cultivated audience gathered
here this evening to listen to my lee
ture. The money taken in at the door
amounts to only 40 cents, but 1 shall
not .abbreviate my lecture on that ac-
count, but lay it to the stringency Of
the times.
No one within sound of my voice
will dispute the fact that new era
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-04-29
She Was Human.

Until my sweetheart ate with me
liked to think she fed on air
Or nectar and ambrosia fare,
With now and then sip of tea,
But when at last / CHANGED to see
Ny lady at her dinner !
Watched soup and steak and (horrors!
pie.
All disappearing daintily.
It was shock. as you'll agree.
Yet to her side ] straight repaired
And spoke the words I'd never dared
Until my sweetheart ate with me.
Judge.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-04-29
Humor ma Philosophy
BY DUNCAN N. SMITH
PERT PARAGRAPHS.

Children regard parents as an un-
necessary evil and dispose of them as
rapidly as the law allows
The only kind of advice that is effec-
tive is the high priced kind and apper-
talns exclusively to the adviser
1t is always darkest just after the
light goes out.
1t takes nine tailors to make man
and one lawyer to bring the suit.
A chaperon is punctilious person
who is guaranteed not to see anything
Whom the gods wish to destroy they
drive to Pittsburg.
Just as the world doesn't have any
beginning, so man doesn't appear to
have any first love or any last.
Far from being it's own reward viz
tue is the reward of all abstainers, tee
totalers and all other right minded or
left handed people.
1t is easy to feel sorry for lot of
people until you get to know them
quite well.
He who makes his adversary his ally
must do some sharp practice and.
would be wise if he expects some.
A Poor Remedy.
Speaking of a certain measure under.
discussion in the senate a we'll known.
congressman said: ut does not meet.
the situation at all and will not rene
dy conditions. 1t reminds me of the
wife of a young blacksmith Of Wash
ington. Did you sew that button on
my coat" this blacksmith asked his
wife one morning. No, DEAR the wife
answered. 4 couldn't find the button,
but ! sewed up the buttonhole, SO it's.
all right
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-04-29
An Exception.


Little Ethel-Mr. Rich, we're not all,
made OF dust. are WEI Mr.. Rich DE.
nignly)-Yes, my dear Little Ethel
triumphantly)-Oh, well, you aren't,
COS papa says you sprung from moth
ing.-Punch.
Hard C0ck.
What is the matter, lad? Why are
you in the dumps?'
"Oh, never have no fun"
Aren't your parents kindW
Yes; they are good enough"
"Then why don't you have fun?"
"Oh, it amt that kind am talking.
about. It's just my COMPOUNDED luck.
Jimmie Conner has had his leg broken
twice. and ] amt never had mine bro
ken once"
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-04-29
GETTING Back TO Nature.

"This is the first cigar have smoked
for a month";" said the large. good ma.
tured man, dra wing match across a
rough place and holding the fame
against the end Of his perfecto
"Oh, it is" said the doubling friend.
"As 1t happens, though, ! saw you
smoking several just last week"
You are mistaken, sir. was Just
finishing up my Christmas presents
Man = Did you say your mamma
whipped you because you wouldn't tell
a lie? Boy-Yes, sir She wanted me
to tell me teacher was sorry played
"hookey" when wasn't.-Exchange
. Zeal without knowledge is like expe-
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-04-29
Art and Materialism.

Literature has to face many discour-
agements," said the sympathetic au-
ditor
YES" answered the man with ink
on his fingers. 'There is just one
thing to be thankful for, and that is
that they don't boost the price of post
age stamps as fast as they do the cost
Of white paper."-Washington Star
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-04-29

. Zeal without knowledge is like expe-
dition to man in the dark.-Newton.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-04-29
Improving on Acouaintance.

II cannot see said candid Clare.
How, when you chance to pass
A mirror. Charley. you've the face
Ever to face the glass"
II know" Charley answered her
With true humility,
at is a honely face, and yet
find II grows on me-"
Saturday Evening Post.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-04-29

Children regard parents as an un-
necessary evil and dispose of them as
rapidly as the law allows.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-04-29

Whom the gods wish to destroy they
drive to Pittsburg.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-04-29

A chaperon is punctilious person
who is guaranteed not to see anything
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-04-29

1t takes nine tailors to make man
and one lawyer to bring the suit
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-04-29

The only kind of advice that is effec.
tive is the high priced kind and apper-
tains exclusively to the adviser.
Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1908-01-29
D0cTORs MISTAKES

Ara said often to be buried six fest under
s~rund Rut many times women. call on
their family physicians, suffering, IS they
Insvine. one from dyspepsia, snothar from
haaSt disease. another from liver or kid
~ disease. another from nervous pros
tfntion. another With pain here aad there
and in this war they present alike to
themselves and their easy-going or over
NAV doctor separats dfsease9~ Tor when
ne. Assuming them TO be such, preseriDes
his pills aud p0sions. In reality, they are
an only symptoms caused By some uterine
hisease. The phxsscian, tgnorant Of tho
oIuse Of suffering. Keeps ep IA treat tmens
nalI. DntIent ,tfSs Se,s S1 no betteN 81 thS
wrong treatment, but probably worse. a
nroper medicine Like d.. RlercA,2 2Eaxnfl4
FrescffptIon. directed 70 th< c{kR&E YQula
have eYfTlTefy feTinY1d the dIEeezes there
81 6IspeifI6g all those dlstfsSsing syImpg
toms. and instituting ?omlort insleso q
prolonged misery. II has peen Heh sAias
That "a disease known Is half cared
Dr. Pioree's Fayorise Prescription is o
eaientIfic medicine, carefully devised by
an experienced and skiiifut physicians
and adapted 20 women's delicate system,
II II made Of native American medicinai
roots and Is perfectly harmless. 10 itS
effects IN I'LL EdIQl I'M Liz iGala4
zs a powerful lnvigc7ating tonic sFa-
vorlte Prescription" Imparts strength 70
the whole system and TO the organs ais
tinctly feminine In particular. For over
worked, vworn-ouks run-doTn,1 deeili-
tated teachers, mllliners, Aressmaters,
seamstresses, sshop-Eirls,' = houso-keepers.
purslng mothers, and feeble Tomen gea.
orally, DR.. Pierce's Favorite Prescription
Is the greatest earthly boon, being nm
eoualed as an appeti1ng cordial and TO
Storativo tonic.
As Z soothing and strengthening neFy.
ine aFayOrite Prescription " Is unequaled
and 10 invaluable In allaying ana SUD
6ulnR nervous excitability, irritabllity.
Seryous exhaustion, nervous pEostrauonnt
neuralgia, hysteria, spasms, st. Vituss
dance, and other distressing, nervous
symptoms commonly attendant upon
functional and organic disease. OF thq
pferus. It Induces refreshing sleep ano
relieves mental anxiety and dependency.
Df. Pierce's Pleasant Pellets inVjForate
AAa stomach, liver and bowels. one n
kree dose Easy TO taks - candy.
Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1908-01-29
DECLINE IN RELIGION.

Cardinal Gibbons, chief Of the Roman
Catholic hierarchy in the United States,
accorded q short interview in Boston
yesterday.
He was asked whether, with his long
experience as prizes, bishop, and card
inal, he believed the people of America
we're growing better, from religious
point OF view. After moments thought
he replied:
'Tt ia hard to answer that question on
deRuite lines. In their respect for re-
liQion am afraid the people of America
are not what they were 6fty or sixty years
sso. For instance, our statemen show
this in their public addresses and debates.
This statesmen Of America 6fty or sixty
years sgo showed familiarity with and
q regard for the Holy Scriptures aud the
word of God, which, ! am cory to say,
does not present itself today.
al remember reading one speech o.
Daniel Webster which contained four
teen cuo .stions from Scripture, which
showed Mr.. Webster's study Of the holy
word and his respect for its spirit. In
deed. Webster used 10 doyetail biz
speeches with appropriate quotations
from Scripture showing hls innate respec
for tbs word ofGod. This practice 4 70
peat, Is neglected BY the public sPesks
of the present day."
Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1908-01-29
SACRIFICED HIS LIFE.

Westley jarrett, railway section
man, gave up bis life yesterday 10 ssve
esst-b bound passenger train No. IL from
wreck aud probSbly death and in
Jury to the 200 passengers on board.
A section force, Of which jarrett was
a number. were working aIorg the tracks
of the Southern Railway near Marion,
N. O., in attempting to straighten the
track. A large railway jack was tsiog
used when No. IL was heard approach
ing. An effort was made to remove the
Jack from the track, where II would have
derailed the train and sent il heading
down the mountain side 500 feet. The
Jack stuck aud the combined efforts Of
the entire section crew could not move
1t.
When No. ii was slmost upon them
all the crew, except jarrett, fed for
their lives. jarrett threw himself in
front OF the engine and succeed In uu-
looseniog the jack, which rooled OYER
him crushing him to death beneath Its
wheels.
DeWitt's Little Riser Pills are sold by W
r. Creighton a Co.
Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1908-01-29
FOR OVER SIXTY YEARS.

An OLD AND WELL-TRIRD REMEDY
Mrs. Winslow's Soothing Syrup has been
used for over sixty years by millions OF
with perfect success. II soothes the child,
softons the gums, sllsys sll pain, cures wind
collie and is the hest remedy for Disrrhes. ls
pleasant to the taste. Sold by druggists in
every part Of the world. Twenty-Five cents q
bottle, Its value is incalculsble. Be sure
and ask for Mrs Winslow's Soothing Syrup
and take no other kind.
Guaranteed under the food and drugs sn'
Iuna Snth tone save' 1urnho- f0op
Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1908-01-29
MR. McGAvIN's ExooRJArIoN

"a u. mCOA lN . GNNOS' a A~O@''
As was stated in the Gazette, Mr..
McGavin, of Illinois, on the floor OF
the House of Representative yesterday
denounced marriages OF American heir
esses to titled foreigners. Among other
things be said:
'I am not going to make reference 10
the manner In which the fortunes OF
these heiresses have been founded, ex-
cept that in most cases they we're made
by men who started out with meager
means. Suffice it to ssy, in the lam
guage of Shakespeare, 'Tis common
proof that lowliness is young ambition
ladder where to the climber upward
turns his face, but when he once attains
the upmost round be then unto the lad
der turns bis back, looks in the skies,
, scorning the base degrees BY which be
did ascend.
'I do no. refer to any particular girl,
now have / prejudice against all Of these
titled men, for some of them are worthy
to grace any home; some Of them have
added to the honor OF their psmes and
to the glory of their country. l have
reference only to those who Sear
monocls In their eye, and an idiotic
look upon their faces--those who have
neither the disposition to be good nor
the ability to do harm.
ga bill has been introduced 10 the
House by one of my colleagues from
Chicago, to levy tax upon all doweries
and settlements made by these heir
esses, or their parents upon their titled
husbands. I Am not here to advocate
he passage of that bill or to oppose 1t,
but my curiosity was aroused to know to
what committee 1t might have been re-
ferred. l found it had been very prop
erly referred to the ways and means
COMMITTEES, inasmUch as il sought to levy
a tax. Then 1 was curious to know
whether the tariff schedule included
dukes, earls, lords and counts, and find
ing that these things we're nowhere men,
toned, thought that il might be proper
for the customs officer to classify them
like frogs legs as poultry, for 1t Is the
general opinion among Americans that
they are geese.
"Mr. Chairman, we, upon this side OF
the House, have in recent years referred
triumphsntly to the fact, that as between
this and other nations, the balance o.
trade was 10 our favor, bat nowhere in
the summary can be found reference to
such trades as these. where soiled and
frayed nobility is exchanged for q few
million American dollars wruDg from the
lambs OF Wall street, with woman
thrown 10 ito boot
''Every day seems to be bargain today
in the great city of New York, whether
it be for yard of ribbon or pound Of
flesh; whether 1t be upon the retail
cOuoter of B,osdwsy or the auction blocks
of Fifth Avenue.
"There was q time when wealthy
Americans travelling in Europe we're con-
tented with buying costly fabrics aud
paintings by old masters of whom they
knew nothing, but now they want some
thing; so when some wealthy girls travel
ing with tbeir parents abroad see rem
| nsnt Of royalty, they enthusiastically ex-
claim '0b, Mamma, buy me that : an
interpreter is secured, the bargain is
made, the money is produced, and the
girl is gone, to return soon sadder, bet
wiser oue."
Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1908-01-29

1t Ia very important and in fact it is abso.
lutely necessary to health that we give relief
to the stomach promptly at the first signs oi
troubles. Take something once in while
especially after meals; something like Kodo
For Dyspepsia and Indigestion. 1t will en-
able your stomach to do its work properly
Sold By W. +. Creighton.
Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1908-01-29
ssTo Keep Well

The whole year through" writes L. A. Bart
lett, of Rural Route l. Guilford. Me-, l and
NV family used DIR. Kings New Life Pills.
They have proven most satisfactory TO All OF
us. !" They tone the system and cure bilious
ness, malaria and constipation. Guaranteed
1T all drug stores. 25e.
Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1908-01-29
Alnasmsrsa 8axssas

PUBLIsHRD DAILY AND TRI-wRKKLf AT
GAZETTE BUILDING, $40 d Sl2 PRINCE
STREET.
TERMS: Daily--l year, $500 8 months
s2:6O: 3 months, S1:25; month, 4S cents
/ week, 10 cents. IN
months. rs cents: month. 25 cents.
Contract advertisers win not be allowed 70 ex'
ceed their space unless the excess is paid fof
at transient rates, and under no clrcum-
stances will they be allowed 70 advertise
other than their legitimate business In the
space contracted for.
Marriage and death notices must be paid for
IN advance.
Reso!utiono in memoram, Of thanks, tributes
Of respect, resolutions adopted by socisties
O. persona, unless Of public concern, VIII
My be printed in the paper a. advertise
mants.
Entered ct the Postof5ce Of Alexandria, Viz
ginia, as second-claas mattsr.l
Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1908-01-29
A Reliable Remedy
FOR
CATAR RH
EIy's Cream Balm
Is quickly absorbed.
Gives Relief at Once
It cleanses, soothes,
heals and protects
the diseased mem-
Is quickly absorbed.

brane resulting from Catarrh and drives
away Cold in the Head quickly. Restores
the Senses of Taste and Smell. Full size
so cts. at Druggists or by mail. Liquid
Cream Balm for use in atomizers 70 cts.
FL. y - u'erren Street. New York
Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1908-01-29

voSol IA the best remedy known today for
sSr~ts irdiseetion and all troubles aria
Sy,p az tSor 4 dissrdsred stomach: Il Is pleas
ant. t psosapt and thorough. Bold BY W. T.
ogsigktcn.
Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1908-01-29

Good values in COFPEES, st 15c, isc, zoe
zse, 3es snd 35e per pound a -