davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-07

to come.
About three months later the civil off,
cial was summoned one morning to the
military headquarters at Manila. He
found a number of the big generals Of
the military outfit seated around the re-
ceiving Office in their white uniforms.
Smiles lurked around the crannies Of the
faces of all of the officers.
BY the way, old man." said the top
general to the civil official, after the
compliments of the morning had been eX-
changed, ''uh-er-did you ever by any
chance happen to write letter to a lady
living in a place up in the states called
Minneapolis?'
''Shucks. yes" promptly replied the
civil official. Wrote the letter in reply
to some Internal fussy nonsense she adj
dressed to me. Why?'
'Oh. nothing--nothing PARTICULAR said
the top general. smiling. "Only. She S
sent copy of your letter to me. Great
tie letters I ever saw. ] spent half Of
last night reading it. Other fellows here
have read it. 100. Er-that was a great.
a comprehensive list you sent her, old
boy. Extraordinary exhibition of memory
for man of your age. Look here what
she says Of that list and the top gen.
eral pointed to the bottom of the Min
neapolis ladys communication to the
military department of the Philippines.
Her comment as to the tabulated list
was. in essence. as follows:
THE venerable Mr.. Dotted Lines ap-
pears to possess an amazing fund OF ap-
parcntly personally acquired knowledge
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-07
0...-Q<@%@%a9fs1TR aax~\S~ "a

with respect to the evil places of Min
neapolis. But that he should have cx-
posed himself by admitting his possession
of this fund of knowledge is something
that / can only account for on the ground
of advancing senility on his part
All of the officers in the room were
rocking with laughter by the time the
civil official. with a furiously blushins
coun.enance. had finished reading the
Minneapolis Woman's comment upon his
darted out of the office TO get the din out
of his ears.
And those officers passed the word along
about that Minneapolis list, and their
passing of the word of it has made the
former civil official of the insular govern
ment more or less miserable ever since.
All hands of high enough degree TO take
such a liberty with him have had some
thing to say about Minneapolis to him
every time they've met up with him since
the thing occurred AS a plain matter of
fact. when Mr.. Taft himself met him upon
his return from the Philippines the first
thing he said to the venerable and digni
fled gentleman was this:
Been in Minneapolis lately. my boy?
Beautiful little city that. You ought to
take d little run out here. They tell me.
by the way. that you possess positively
encyclopedia knowledge of all the rami-
fications and ins and outs of it, and SO
on.
Now he's getting sick of that Mime
apolis'' funning and the people who pull
it on him had better watch out. that's
ALL
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-07

that bad girl Carmen0 This Gay per-
son pulled a new one upon the reporters
who tackled her upon her arrival here.
1t was a beautiful day when Maria got
in. and the harbOr looked lovely. all ma
ture smiling and all similar. and con-
tract in Mara's muff or pocketbook or
something calling for 81 500 Tin tin tags.
mayhap. but that isn't germane) for
each appearance; and naturally enough,
with things framed up that way, and the
waters of the harbor cleaning emeraldly.
and on, one might naturally have
supposed that Maria Gay, being prima
donna hitting this beach for the first
time, and having in mind how we just
love to be cajoled over here by new
prima donnas-why. one might naturally
suppose-now, wouldn't one?-that Maria
would loosen up with little bunch Of
raptures about America and the Ameri-
cans and how she ''loafed' it and them
and how gorgeous the skyscrapers were
and how she'd always heard tell we were
she just couldn't wait till she found out
how we liked her Carmen. and so on,
and so on--the old stuff. like one had a
right to expect. one sure had.
Well. Maria didn't do anything of that
kind, that's all.
And how do you like the United
States?" inquired the reporter person,
well knowing that she still was on the
steamer and that she'd never 30 much
az set the sole OF one of her slipperettes
on the soil of the United States. But
that's one Of those questions that go
with the diva and steamer assignment.
you know, and so of course it had to be
asked.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-07

other sure-enough Spike Hennessey ap.
purtenances. He was engaged in 60
ing through the chiffonier near the
lawyers bed. as he considered he had
a right to do after getting in. and the
waking up Of the lawyer didn't bother
him little bit, as. indeed, why should
il have? He went right about his BUSH
ness or rifling the chfffonier.
The lawyer. who must have been
reading some of these fiction pieces
about burglars and their ways. began
to converse with this burglar; asked
him why he burgled and SO on. And
finally the lawyer remarked, III tell
you what you come down to my office
and I'll give you job. I'm lawyer"
Now up to that minute the burglar
was going. right on burgling decently
and in order, without bothering any
body But at the mention of the word
lawyer" why. he turned just as saw
age as could be.
.,Oh. you son-of-a-gun. you're a law.
yer, are you?" he growled. just like
that in his hideous. ugly voice. Well,
got it in for you people. The last
lawyer | had was a bum and didn't
know he was alive and he got me put
away for a four-specker and now Tn
goin' L take il out o tn hide o one
lawyer bug. anyhow" Whereupon the
rude and revengeful burglar person
produced a sandbag and proceeded to
slam eighteen different kinds of dents
all over that indiscreet lawyer. max
ing a severe hospital case of the lawyer
in almost no time at all. Really. now,
who would have supposed that OF any
lawyer anywhere?
CLARENCE L. CULLEN.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-07

i'm Minneapolis. Sorry to have to admit
it, sir, but l didn't bust into the American
army through the habit of attending too
many Christian Endeavor meetings.
'E,r--hem," said the civil official to that.
Excellent. Ex-cel-lent. Now I'll tell
YOU what l want you to do. my man. |
want you to sit down right now and
make that tabulation of the joints and
dives in Minneapolis. Make it as burned
ample and detailed and elaborate as you
possibly can. Give names. addresses.
dates. the whole thing. And mark it
Exhibit A.
The ex-sergeant spent the remainder of
the day and good deal of the night in
Keeling off the big letter and in making
the most complete tabulation imaginable
of the tough places of Minneapolis. 1t
was d bully bit Of work in the memory
line that tabulation when the ex-ser-
closely written typed pages. aud with
names and addresses. or approximate ad-
dresses. reproduced with faithfulness
for which the eK-sergeant vouched upon
his honor as soldier and man.
The civil official inclosed the tabuaton
with his letter to the lady living in Min
neapolS. He made a note at the bottom
of the tabulation to the general essence
that he thought he'd make little list
out for her attention and the attention of
the organization to which she belonged.
He added that if she would only address
herself to the remedying of conditions in
those Minneapolis tough places she would
probably be too busy to consider affairs
in the Philippines for good many moons
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-07
sUCcUMBED TO INTERVIEWING AND IS VERY SORRY NOW

affairs of those turbulent islands, he
was sent down to Manila to take up the
duties of an important insular Office He
is a man Of great executive capacity and
of a natural organizing mind. His task
down yonder in Manila was one of the
heaviest that man of his years-he
no longer is young-ever took up. and he
got away with it with notable success
Well. one day half a year or so after
he'd assumed his burdensome task down
In the Philippines, he received letter
from a lady living in Minneapolis
This lady was and is quite noted per-
sonage in the world of women's more
advanced" affairs. She was then one
of the highest officers Of an organization
of women that had a good deal to do with
the legislative abolition of the army CAN
teen.
Her letter to the Woodworking man
down in the Philippines was d very severe
arraigument of him because she had heard
or read somewhere or other that he was
In favor of the restoration of the army
canteen. She rated him soundly for this
position, and she demanded ar eNpiana-
ton of his position right away If not IL
little bit suddener
Her letter reached the man in Manila
during the hot, sticky season. and also at
a time when he was all but downed by the
enormous mass of work that was stacked
up In front of him. Nevertheless he gave
up considerable time to the answering of
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-07

up. When I turned around he was
there with all the geniality on earth.
well, Johnny, says he to me-and
you're to remember that I'd never clap
ped lamp on him in my life before
Well. Johnny, is this one of yours
meant today?' pointing with his stick
to the horse I was saddling for the
race.
Now / ask you, man to man, were
the boots coming to that fat nut, or
weren't they?
81 couldn't trust myself to say one word
to that one. If I'd opened up my face at
him at all I'd have burned that green hat
and the hair under 1t right off his head
and / knew it. So l kept still and went
ahead with my saddling, and he strolled
away, swishing' his stick and whistling
airily. They can't be snubbed. you see
That one probably tackled half a dozen
trainers in the same way after he left
me- and all of them no doubt had the
same difficulty to restrain themselves
from kicking his necktie sideways.
"a few afternoons before that. just be-
fore the first race at Pimlico, another one
of the same breed nudged into my stable
office I'd never seen him before either.
but thought he might be a friend of
some body l knew. and so / got up from
my desk He held up a warning finger.
and then whispered to me to get the four
or five stable hands hanging around in
front away from the stable entrance. l
began to get hep then.
"'What for?' ! asked him. They're
working here. They know everything
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-07

hands, from whom they get punk, crazy
tips, and then they hotfoot out into
the grandstand and betting ring and
drool that they've got those bum tips
direct from the trainers or owners. As
a matter of fact, the paddock visiting
habit is calculated to make great
liars out of men who ordinarily
are as truthful as their neighbors.
Not q few of these wise owls
who prowl around the race-track pad
docks because their badges give
them that privilege take it for granted
that the people actually connected with
the racing of the horses are under
some sort OF an obligation to answer
their bedinged questions. People that
trainers of race horses have never seen
before consider it the proper kink to
bulge along and toss the sauciest kind
of questions at them, and when they
get a hot rebate for theirs they look
as abused as if somebody had spanked
them on the pulse with potato
masher.
lover at Pimlico the other afternoon
was saddling one of my string for
the promenade to the post when an
airy looking duck with green hat
with a feather behind it trudged up be-
hind me and got me to look around by
poking me in the small of the back
with the ferrule of his sWishStick. That
move alone was enough to make me
some feverish around the fichu-it was
Just as if he'd seen fiddler crab strug-
Cling on his back in the water and had
used his cane to turn him over, shell
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-07
THE wEDGE-1NS WHO BONE THE STRAIGHT JUNK

that goes around here as we'll as I do.
I'm pretty busy. What do you want?'
'Sh-sh" he Kissed, tiptoeing over to
my desk. 'Sh-sh! Not so loud! This thing
can be done quietly. No need for any
body to know single thing about it but
us two
''Out with it, said I. I'm busy man
today. What do you want?
Well he whispered then, leaning
over my desk. you've got one in the third
race today that'll be a sure favorite and
that will probably win, haven't your
I'm running a horse in the third race
today I said to him. What is that to
your
.Sh-sh" he cut in again. Wait a min
ute. Look a-here Now. I've got a
friend-finest fellow you ever met-you'd
like him If you met hm-I've got friend
who took to 1 against the one thatll be
second choice in that third race. He bet
$1,000 on it last night. Now. you see? 1t
means six thousand good golden bucks to
this pal of mine-the bulliest fellow you
ever saw. too-and if this horse of yours,
you know-er-just happens-er-to-well.
you savvy all right. don't you? And this
friend of mine always does the, right
thing. He's no sntcher. If the thing fell
out the right way, why. you'd get-er--
we'll. he'd treat you right. understands
'Ch-huh-I understand | said to him.
If ever man 1onged to make another
man all buttonholes, 1 longed to rig that
one that way. But I got UP and put on
my hat and coat and said to him. Come
on, where we can buzz this thing over
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-07

this more or less meddling and abusive
letter from the lady living in Mime
apois.
at was the first impolite letter-if, in
deed. it was actually impolite-that l had
ever addressed to a lady" he explained
quite d while ago, before the subject be-
came a sore one with him on account of
the joshing it brought upon him. But
just naturally couldn't help it. The wom-
ans letter took me right off my feet. not
only on account Of it's unnecessarily ar
rogant and dictatorial tone, but because
of the utter and absolute wrongfulness,
as | considered it. OF the lady's position
with respect to the army canteen. l was
seeing soldiers dying and going insane and
of we'll regulated army canteen, and I
thought keenly on the subject, and / sup
posed and suppose yet that ] had right
to opinion of my own on that sub
iect.'
His letter replying TO the lady living in
Minneapolis was a heap OF document
from a good many points of view, accord
ing to d number of important persons who
read 1t.
The man to whom the letter was dictat-
ed was all ex-Sergeant of the regular army
who on account Of his pronounced clerical
ability and his capacity as stenogra pher
and typewriter. had been detailed to the
office Of the importnt civilian official. His
discharge had been procured from the
army for this purpose.
The civilian official decided 10 wind up
his letter to the lady living in Mime
apolis with a gentle intimation to her that
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-07

And how do you like the United
States?' inquired he.
"Well. I'd like to be back in Spain this
minute, SO would" said Maria. in Span
ish, just like that. her glorious lamps
a-snapping, and then she stamped her
cunnin little foot and ran away from
there into her cabin.
New swing on the thing. kind O. was
it not? 1t was.
But who knows-yes. who knows-but
what the press agent for Maria might
not cen have fixed the new thing up
lust that seIfsame way? Who does
know? 1t really couldn't have been In
Maria to unload hot, new. just-off-the-
walter one like that, and maybe the
press agent
However, away with such unworthy
thoughts particularly as they're begin
is picking on the press agents altogether
too much, SO he is and so they say.
WELL. anyhow, Mary Garden shes
w a-going to wear some clothes-that
is to say. some few clothes, particular
ly few-when she does the ''Salome"
thing. Mary she has said that same.
and she ought to know. Not only has
Mary said so. but she has shown some of
the girly-girl reporters just exactly the
rig that she is going TO wear when she
appears in 'Salome. And. really. you
could see the girly-girl reporteresses'
bushes right clean through their printed
copy. The things that Mary is not going
to wear in that ''Saome'' piece, how
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-07

she and her organization might be a great
deal better employed in making an effort
to suppress some of the vile groggerles
and joints and dives of Minneapolis than
in occupying the valuable time of busy
people thousands of miles away from her
home town with suggestions about the
management of things down there.
And he framed up that paragraph
for d oration. When the eX-sergeant
had set own that paragraph in his short
hand no, ebook he grinned.
And that's no lie. SIR respectfully but
admiringIy put in the ex-sergeant with
the shorthand job. 'Thered be slews and
slathers of material for her and her out
fit to work on in Minneapolis.
cial, you're from Minneapolis yourself.
aren't YOU"
II sure am. sir replied the stenog-
rapher
"Ha-- umph-cr-by the way. my man.
said the civil official then. "do you hap
pen to know anything about the joints
and dives of Minneapolis"
The ex-sergeant. being Il person with a
sense of humor. grinned from ear to ear.
Sorry TO have to own up TO it. sir. -
he said. that know every blessed one
of EN- by heart
''Humph-dye happen to remember
their names and addresses" inquired the
civil official.
LAS well as I know my own address at
this minute. sir" replied the eX-sergeant.
Gould sit down at this machine right
now and make rs big tabulation as
you'd want of every underground outfit
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-07
O." -q%~%@@afs3TRA 5aM~%g~ 90

ever would make a much longer list.
and so we're not going to print that
same now and here for lack of room
and space and time and Such-like. Well
all he there when Mary does .Salomc''
with that gear on. All of our set will
ne present. If there is anything moro
Salomeisil on the civilized globe than
Mary Garden even in Il regular every
day suit the street. show the writey
hereof, please. and then again if her
''Salome" is any more that way than
her That's, show us again. please
again: but the things that she comes
right out and promises with respect to
what's going to be what i'm connection
with her "Salome'--well. it's too bad.
really. that her '.Salome" isn't going to
be done for quite little while yet. If
hope deferred maketh the heart sad.
or six weeks in the offing-oh. well, il d
foiling and tantalizing world, any
how.
YOU'D suppose that a lawyer would
know more than this lawyer we are
referring to now, really. 1t seems
strange that lawyer in good New
York practice would be so trif1ng and
foolish and regardless of consequences
and other things. This lawyer is one
Of the quite highly favored lawyer per-
sons of the town. too.
Some nights ago he found a husky
burglar in his room when he woke up
in the middle Of the dark watches. The
burglar had dark lantern and a
Jimmy and mask and all of the
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-07
O." ~4(%@@ass7& sAaM\S~ "a

we had reached in tearing up the rail-
road, and told the leader to go ahead and
pump some of the patriotic airs
The music. of course. had the effect
that Gen. Fitzpatrick had figured upon
The boys did twice as much work under
the inspiring strains of Hail. Columbia.
The Star Spangled Banner My Country
and SO on, and the Johnnies in front OF
us had to fall back good deal more
rapidly than they had before the en-
-thusiasm of our boys had been kindled by
the band music.
when the band had run out of patriotic
airs, the leader approached me and asked
for suggestions as to what the musicians
should play then.
We'll said to the bandmaster, those
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-07

why. for the payment OF few bits
more. the hull caboodle of folks should
be admitted to the paddocks OF race
tracks. was his way of stating it. Most
of the people who nudge their way
into race-track paddock have no pos
sible business there. They're simply In
the way Not one out Of a hundred Of
them knows anybody in the paddock
who's in any way connected with the
running of the horses. They simply
stand around and pose and look wise.
\ good many of them ask the foolest
of fool questions. Others Of them butt
in with suggestions to trainers that
would earn them sound kickings else
where. Some of the fatconks fan up
acquaintance with rubbers and stable
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-07

good deal. to whom you just dassen't say
that word minneapolis" just like that.
The word inks him. IT carks him. 1t
makes him saddle-scre and such like. He
hates it.
--s There's a reason To this gentleman
the word Minneapolis" has been an out
worn joke, thrust at him by all hands on
all sides, for something like two years
now. At the present moment of time the
nan who has developed so decided an
aversion TO the word Minneapolis Is
attached in II sort of advisory, general
agent capacity to great railroad sys-
tenn.
,. When things were still siinmering
down in the Philippines. a few years
after this country had taken hold of the
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-07

better sort and the old general enjoyed
the music SO much that when, at the
wind-up of the second tune, the Italian
entered the yard. Sinking and holding
ont his hat, the veteran officer tossed him
d quarter.
Promptly the Italian went back to the
tune machine and began to grind out
Dixie
Before half of the first measure OF
Dixie" had been played the retired gen.
eral rose from his bench, and, without
word to his crony. walked into his house.
through the hall and into the back yard.
He did not return to his bench seat be-
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-07

ion and a jar of Chautauqua balm. Bust
ness houses have released flood of orders
to manufacturers: bankers are unloading
the spring guns that guarded their safes;
louseholders are stocking their refrige-
rators with goods wet and dry; employers
arc raising wages: wild animals are get
ting shy and skittish, and the price or
smokeless powder has risen cent
pound. All is quiet along the Potomac
and wild geese are getting ripe. That In
tellectual and vitriolic newspaper. the
New York Stun. which has been welding
the war club and the scalpel both stimuli
,aneously and alternately for many days.
drops both to toy with the bonbonniere-
Goodbye, dear Theodore says the
stun with streaming eye. goodbye.
good bye''-or words to this effect-''here
is list of animals wild and fierce you
may have overlooked. Go after EN-!
Kill 'em all, Have a blame dgood time
and stay. dear Theodore, stay a long.
long time"
Ever since the world was young there
have been a lot of people who improved
;heir minds by wondering what would
have happened if Atlas had suddenly
Gucked from under. Consequently. many
people who have been classed as Roose-
Welt republicans may be expected to smile
through their tears
(OL. PETE HEPBURN OF Iowa must
~ be getting old. That is the only way
| can account for the fact that he seems
to have been defeated for reelection out
in his district.
This year wasn't the first that Col. Pete
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-11-07
"a

poor devils of rebs in front OF US have be-
haved pretty we'll They haven't even
turned their sharpshooters loose upon us.
They ought to be rewarded some way.
Suppose you just give 'em Dixie for
luck?'
At this point in his narrative the old
retired general paused for a minute or so
and looked reflective.
well" said his crony.
We'll" went on the veteran, 1.-The band
hadn't wrung out more than six bars Of
that Dixie tune before our ears were
numbed by the infernalest rebel yell you
ever listened to in all your born days. and
inside of two minutes those Johnnies in
front were right on top of us and trounc-
ing hell out Of u.s.