Carolina watchman. [volume] (Salisbury, N.C.) 1871-1937, 1908-02-05
AUNT HE11Y ON MA7RIMoNY.
She Tells In Plain Words a Few Of Llfe's
FoIlies,

She Tells In Plain Words a Few Of Llfe's
FoIIies.
Now girls, said Aunt Hetty, put
down your embroidery and worst
ed work, do something sensible
and stop building aircastles, and
talking of lovers and honey
moons; it makes me sick, it's per-
fectly antimonial. Love is farce
-matrimony is a humbug, hus-
bands are domestic Napoleons,
heroes, Alexanders, signing for
other hearts to conquer after they;
are sure of yours. The honey
moon is as short lived as a lucyfer
match; after that you may wear
your wedding dress atthe wash tub,
and your night cap to the meet
ing, and your husband wouldn't
know it. You may pick up your
own pocket handkerchief, help
yourself to a chair, and split your
gown across the back reaching
over the table to get a piece of
butter, while he is laying in his
breakfast as if it was the:last meal
he should eat in the world, when
he gets through he will aid your
digestion, (while you slipping your
first cup of coffeo,) by inquiring
what you'll have for dinner,
whether the cold lamb was all ate
yesterday; if the charcoal is all
out, and what you gave for the
last tea you bought. Then
he gets up from the table,
lights his cigar with the evenings
paper that you have not had a
chance to read; gives two Or three
whiffs of smoke, sure to give you
a headache for the afternoon, just
as his coat tail is vanishing
through the door, apologies for
not doing THAT Grand" for you
yesterday-thinks it doubtful if he
can today-''so pressed with bust
ness" Hear of him at II o'clock,
taking ice cream with some ladies
at Vinton's while you are at home
now lining his coat sleeves. Chill
dren by the ear, can't get out to
take the air, feel crazy as a fly
in a drum; husband come home
at night, mods a show dye do,
Fam" boxes Charley's ears,
stands little Fanny in the corner
sits down in the warmest corner,
puts his feet up over the CRATE,
shutting out the fire. while the
baby's little pugnose. grows blue
with the cold, reads the newspaper
all to himself, solaces his inner
man with a cup Of tea and just as
you are labroing under the hallu-
cinatin that he will ask you to
take a mouthful of fresh air with
MIN, he puts on his dressing gown
and begins TO reckon the family
expenses. after which he lies down
on the sofa, and you keep time
with your needle, while he SHORES
till 9 o'clock.
Next morning ask him to leave
"a little money" he looks at you
as if to be sure that you are in
your right mind. draws a sigh long
enough to initiate a pair of bellows,
and asks you "what do you want
with it. and If a half dollar won't
do" Gracious kingl as if those
little shoes, and petticoats could
be had for a half dollarl Oh,
girls set your affection on cats,
poodles, parrots. or lap dogs
but not matrimony. It's the
hardest way on earth of getting a
living-you never know when
your work is done up. Think of
carrying eight or nine children
through the measles, chicken pox.
rash, humps, and scarlet fever,
some of 'em twice over it makes
my headache TO think of it. Oh,
you may scrimp, and save, anj
twist and turn, and dig, and delve,
and economic, and die, and your
husband will marry again, and
take what you have saved to dress
his second wife with, and she'll
take your portrait for a fre-board ;
but what's the use of talking?
Til warrant every one Of you'll
try it, the first chance you get,
there's a sort of bewitchment
about it, somehow.
I wish one-half of the world
warn't fools and to'ther half
idiots, From an old paper.