davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-08
Co.. ~=2f~%@@da<FTRasa%<S~ @

radiations of living and visible fire, why.
son. I'll be spraying back in a deep
wicker chair about nine yards from a
Maine lake. permitting the pretty little
piney-winey breezes to toss my Hyperion
curls hither and yon in wild abandon, and
/ reckon that won't have your system of
sticking around Washington in the blazer
weather looking like a crumpled cookie
that your little nephew brought back
from a picnic down the river
That or something similar Is the only
way.
Don't let him wedge in a word Stay
with ii. Keep working in on him till you
get his back pasted up against hot
brick building. and then tell him some
more about where you're going and what
you're going to do. Every time he looks
like he's going to make a noise like exud-
ing something. talk louder and faster
and beat him down and to it.
Then. after you've turned him into q
human caterpillar, take him by the nitt
and give the same a warm. cortfial
wrench, being careful not to break too
many OF the bones Of his hand and then
say. We'll. goodbye. old man. I'm on
my way to the train now. but 1 sure am
glad / had this nice little talk with you
before starting'-and then go on about
your business to the st. Lawrence goun-
try or to Maine or wherever II is that
you're going to.
He may still think your re crazy. but he
can't consider you any crazier than he
does simply because you have the habit
OF trotting out of town on a summer va
cation.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-08

an afternoon on buffet car, and I was
far from being in what you might call
an alert state Of mind.
well, at the top Of the subway steps a
rollicking. sharp-faced chap noticed me
laboring under the burden Of my rather
heavy bag.
Lets carry that luggage for you,
guv'nor,' he said. calmly taking the bag
from my hand. Not going far, are your
"Uh-huh. was imbecile enough to
permit him to carry the bag. He went
ahead of me after asking the name Of the
hotel I was going to, and I stopped for
half minute to buy some evening
papers.
when I'd finished buying the evening
papers the rollicking chap with my bag
was gone. OF course he was gone. I
had been a plain. everyday come-on and
well did know it.
II went into the hotel to see II by any
impossible chance, the fellow had taken
my bag there. I don't need to observe
that he hadn't.
There was nothing very valuable In
the bag, only clothes. but was sore over
having tossed 1t away SO foolishly. So.
without looking up the other fellows to
have them kid me about 1t. got into a
taXicab and went to a police station to
complain of the way my bag had been
separated from me.
"Say, dye know what the cop at that
police station desk did? He just grinned
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-08

every place I'm going to were twice as
hot as Washington. I'm going to 'em any
how. Get that? I'm going.
What's more. you'd like to be going
along. You'd be tickled to death at the
very thought of going along. The reason
why you're not going along is because
you're suffering from construction
around the region of the bank-wad. You
are unable to get It out of your jeans, It'll
wedged in there so tight.
while you're sitting up yonder on the
front steps of your 'dobe, after dinner.
painting like Dalmatian carriage dog
running under farm buggy, and Won
>oplar tree in front never SO much as
moves. why, I'll be sitting we'll up for ard
on boat on the st. Lawrence river let
ting the balsamic zephyrs play I-spy with
my spitlOck, and l guess that won't be
beating your WashingtOn-as-a-summ
resort gag seventeen different ways from
the ten-spOt While you're trying to snag
watt or two Of coolth on a rear seat of
Chevy Chase car, getting yourself
glared at by women folks because you're
smoking in seat expressly set aside for
smokers, I'll be lolling like the lout that
l am on the damp sands of Maine or some
old place, watching the hOuris In the taft
feta bathing suits a-gambol up and down
the verge of the amethystine sea-and
suppose maybe that won't have your
game tied down in the cellar until the
dog catcher's wagon gets by. While
you're plodding up and down the roast
ing avenue. watching the heat waves
glance off the caves and corniceS in
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-08

vised laboratory not many miles the other
side of the District line. on flying ma.
chine which is neither balloon nor aero
plane.
So. this new craft will depend for its
buoyancy not upon gas and not upon
wings. Gravity electricity the inventor
claims. will do the trick. The plan Of the
contrivance which was shown to me re-
sembles, as far as I could tell-althOugh
I'm not much on deciphering blue prints
and the like-a somewhat overgrown and
clumsy looking automobile. Anyhow. there
was no gas bag above it and no wings
sticking out at the sides.
When the inventor has finished the ma
chine and wants to make a flight he will
merely step in the car, throw a switch and
soar. When he gets tired of soaring and
wants to come down he will throw the
switch back and descend. At least that's
his dream. He has figured out. or thinks
he has. that he has discovered a new
brand of electricity which. properly ap-
piled. offsets and utilities the earths
gravity pull. So he calls this new-fangled
current gravity electricity Roy Nor
toms salubrious bunch of fiction, THE
Vanishing Fleets probably gave him the
idea and the squirrels did the rest.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-08

able in. and a home too, in a sensible,
level-headed town like Washington, where
the folks. take 'em all in all, not
crazy rushers-about, and where-well, it's
just as cool here as 1t is anywhere else
this time of the year, isn't it?'
You tell him-if you're patient and not
In too much of hurry-that what you
need more than anything else is change
That's why you're taking it on the lope
for the summer resort.
Jaw, change be hanged" he rebates
back at you. "'S'all imagination. that
change gag. Look at me. / haven't been
away in the summer for twenty-four
years. and I'm all right, amt 1? You bet
l am. Right as trivet. Cause why?
Why, cause / haven't fallen in with this
bug idea of lamming around the country
in hot weather. Summers no time to
travel, anyhow. Summers the time a
fellow wants home comforts. Catch me
giving up my comfortable home in the
dog days that's what
Maybe you nudge in the observation
here that you don't want to catch him
doing anything because by this time you
are standing on one leg and then on the
other. wishing that he'd go away from
there or let you do that, or something.
Then he plows right ahead and tells
YOU some more about what a chimpanZee
YOU are for hiking out of dear old
Wash'n'n in summer He tells you
what you. of course. don't know-that
the fruits and Vegeta bles in the Wash
ington markets in the summer time are
the bulliest ever. He tells You that, when
you stay at home in Washington during
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-08

of that place at this time. And the writer
hereof as says this is perfectly crazy
about Washington and its multitudinous
charms, at that.
If you're a close ScrutiniZer, you'll al
ways observe that the chap who rides
herd on you to tell you that you are a
marmoset for even thinking of hiking out
Of Washington for part of the summer
you'll observe that he has mighty visit
full eye. all the same, when he sees us
folks, all fused up in our travelling toys.
making for the getaway roller. He only
thinks he doesn't believe in summer va
cations.
There's only one way to handle him.
Beat him to it, When he tries to nail you
on the topic that you're a desiccated bug
for even thinking of scrambling out Of
town for a summer vacation you want to
obtain vise-like clutch on either one Of
the lapels Of his coat, impale him with
both of your wicks as if attempting to
hypnotic him. and then begin on him.
Yes you say to him. I'm a-going to
exit from this burg. Circumstances over
which 1 have no control require that
get back at the end of month. I wish
it were two or three months. Uh-huh L
know I'm loon. Uh-huh. ye-eh, I know
I'm a lightning bug in cistern. But you
hear me, don't you? I'm just about to
blow Washington for a month. I'm vamp-
ing. I'm on my way. I'm beating 1t.
I'm going to a lot of places. Now. don't
you try to pull that me. for 1 won't
have it. There won't be a single place
I'm going to that'n be half as hot as
Washington is. And I wouldn't care If
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-08

days nights of your lfe-examininS
them. let it be kept strictly in MINI, ex-
clusively from the rear, and before you've
had the opportunity to scrutinize their
Now, the problem is-the old. old prob
lem-what for are the women of New
York dressing like kids this way? Do
they dress for each other or do they dress
for men In such q manner? II they
dress for men in that fashion, wonder
who ever told them that reasoning, senti-
ent. sure-enough all-there male critters
were fond of seeing women old enough
to be grandmothers kiting around In
clothes that belong by rights to little girls
sitting On the front steps playing jacks?
And where's 1t going to terminate? Are
the women going to take presently to
letting their hair, store hair and all, fall
down their backs in braids and pig-tafls?
Are they going to-but. wait minute,
/ forgot; they're doing that already; wear
ing big pinkie-winkie, girly-girly sashes
tied In big bows at the back, 1 mean.
Yasm that's what they're doing. 1
wonder If. after a bit. Wen see EN- roll .
ing hoops down Broadway? And running
in the teeth Of the Broadway breeze with
pin-wheels In their hands? And strolling
along the White Light thoroughfares with
large sticks Of sticky red-and-white candy
in their hands tightly clutched? Will they.
after a little while. say dada" and
go bye-bye'' and all like that when they
are addressed? And trudge along with
and likewise slush. but you'd expect EN-
to do almost any old thing kittenish and
babyfied from the way they're dressed
these days. Why. maybe they'll even take
pretty soon to having 'emselves wheeled
aroun in perambulators. and then
Oh. well. 1t must be all right or they
wouldn't be diking themselves out in this
strange whimsy manner But 1t Is a
mighty hard sort of fad on women that
well. women that were old enough to wear
jerseys, say when Jerseys first came into
vogue; women who. say again. We're sit
ting on the front steps and entertaining
their first beaus about the time that Mr.
Hayes was President. Yes, it's mighty
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-08

to trot around. The order went forth
some time ago to the cops to shoot every
dog that was found unleashed or unmuz-
zled, whether he were tag or not. and
without any consideration whatever as
to the value Of the dog or as to whom
the owner of the dog might be.
OF course there are slews and slathers of
women in this town. as there are in most
towns, who never by any chance read the
papers, and, not knowing about this new
game. women in New York start out to
give their pets an airing, and presently
some gigantic cop picks the purp UP and
shoots it right before the eyes of the
woman owner of the dog. The woman
who owns the dog can scream and be-
come as hysterical as ever she knows
how to- but 1t makes no difference what
ever to the cop. He shoots the dog all
the same. and If the woman wants to
look while he's doing the shooting. why
that amt none O. his business, tsee?
That's the COPS way of referring to the
matter. and he ought to know. The po-
licemen are instructed to hold their re-
volvers close to the dogs head so as to
obviate any chance of hitting pedestrians
on the streets with the bullets.
If this isn't raw deal to be served out
to people who own dogs because they love
dogs, then I'd like to have a raw deal
defined. And the whole thing is the re-
suit of the fact that few children of the
streets fell to picking on and nagging
stray dogs suffering from the heat and
meas ana starvation ana tnlnsS, and got
themselves bitten. and the ocher journals
f1ared into vermillion headlines about
rabies" and "hydrophobia" and going
into commissions at the sight of water"
and "foaming at the mouth and bark
ing like dog" and all of that foamy
piffie. Wherefore the edict is broadcasted
that all dogs, no matter whose dog. and
no matter again whether the owner has
paid to keep the dog Or not. shall be shot
even in front of the eyes of the owner
ha do ic,sf In,
leash or muzZled.
Great work for cops. this. And the
sight of policemen holding poor little
poodles out at arms length and insert
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-08

out in the mornin'. Nothin's goin' t hap
pen t. you here. This amt no court case.
We're just takin' care o. youse SO youse
won't be rolled FIR y'r bundle
And that's all there was to IL. had
to spend the night in that blasted police
station cell and fume and cOgitate damage
suits for millions of dollars against the
city of New York.
AT dawn the rufflans with whom I'd
gone to New York on the buffet car came
tearing to the station in taxicabs. and
they danced around in front of my cell.
making hobgoblin faces at RE. treating
me as a horrible example. nd making
terrifying comments on the awful evils
of the bowl and the f1agon. Then l went
with them to the hotel and 1 slept for
sixteen hours.
Ibid see our friend off on the steam
err? See nothing! 1 didn't want to see
anybody off. What I needed was rest
and a chance to cool out In my rage
against the city of New York, and ii was
the little white bed for mine.
I'm the meantime those internal ruffian
friends of mine started back here for
Washington, and when they got here they
industriously spread the report that had
run amuck on Broadway. with a bolo in
each hand and a machete between my
teeth. and that ii had required eight
large. beefy policemen of the Broadway
squad to sit on me and hold me down
on my way to the station in a patrol
wagon
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-08

over to republican national headquarters
to dig a couple of columns out of that
Hitchcock man
Because you see. that Hitchcock man
doesn't like to be dug at. He kind o. dis
likes it. Moreover. he hasn't got much to
say. He isn't sayer. He is a doer. Any
body who ever lived in Washington and
knew Hitchcock down there might have
told the New York political reporters that
much. AS a simple matter of fact, some
body that 1 know did tell bunch of the
New York political reporters that what
they'd be able to dig out of Frank III.
Hitchcock they'd be able to stick into the
left-hand corner Of their nigh eye for fu-
ture reference. And the bunch of political
reporters. to whom the somebody know
told this just laughed and laughed and
laughed when they heard that. and they
said that they guessed and reckoned that
they'd cause Mr. Hitchcock TO loosen up:
they reckoned and guessed that they'd
put the things To Hitchcock in such a
light that he'd just have to cough up the
inside stuff TO them Then they trudged
over to republican national headquarters
to snag out those two columns so of
conversation with Mr.. Hitchcock about
how things were progressing on the in
side with reference to the campaign, and
after a while all skunk back to the hotel
with a sort of frozen. teeth-chattery look
about them. and none of EN- had any two
columns. or any part OF the same. stick
Ing out of his clothes, and they all got
together and fell to comparing notes And
now II seems that they've got Mr. +.
Hitchcock tagged quite a taciturn and
uncc mmunicative sort Of a person, ye-eh
SO they have. They wouldn't believe until
they found out for themselves, that the
entire corps of Washington correspond
ents, or most OF the corps. had been en-
gagged in trying to gouge things out of Mr..
+. Hitchcock during most of the winter
and spring and early summer OF 1903; but
they believe il all now. and more, too
not that Mr.. Hitchcock didn't treat them
courteously and all that. but he's the man
who organized the Keep 1t Dark Associa-
ton. and they've just found 1t out over
here. CLARENCE l.. CULLEN.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-08

Baltimore an amateur violinst of high
repute over there, a good fellow and a
friend Of some of us, got aboard the
train. He had his fiddle with him, for he
was going out to country house to play
for the folks. Well, the gang dragged
him into the buffet car, and. after some
more of that -toastng thing, they made
him get out his fiddle and play things.
there being nobody else in the buffet car
but our party.
"Oh. we'll. there's no need to go on
dwelling upon this buffet car part of the
experience Its painful. Those rufflans,
anyhow. had had their luncheons before
starting from Washington, and l hadn't
had mine.
consequently, by the time the train
pulled into Jersey City 1 was spiked, and
spiked proper. and I knew It. 1 stood
at the front Of the ferryboat in crossing
the river to get the cool air, but it wasn't
much use.
I'VE were all going to the same hotel
on upper Broadway. and we went up in
the subway. When we got off at the
Times Square station l met a fellow l
knew.
81 stood for minute and talked with
him. while the other fellows of the party
went into the hotel, which was right on
the corner; SO. that I was detached
member of the party when I >started up
the subway stairs. l had that common
ornery. good-natured feeling that follows
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-08
= uST before Jimmie Hay left for Hot
Springs to lend Taft the light OF his

uST before Jimmie Hay left for Hot
Springs to lend Taft the light OF his
countenance and the inspiration of his
ideas he committed an awful faux pas
AT least, / think that's what 1t was.
Anyhow. twill do.
James was busily packing up when he
came across his last months gas bill.
All" he said. 81 pretty nearly forgot
that. One dollar ten? Easy. Where's
my check book?''
And Mr.. Hay sat down on the spot and
wrote out a check. enveloped 1t. stuck on
a stamp, and, little later, when on his
way to the station. dropped 1t in the box.
A few days later he got an envelope
with the business card of the gas COM
pany in one corner. which had been for
warded to Hot Springs.
Dear Sir said the letter. I'VE fail
to understand why in forwarding us your
gas bill for June. which amounted to
$1.1O. you enclosed a check for $9S4.62 in
payment. We herewith return check.
which you will kindly correct and re-
turn
James, jr, gasped for breath. and lug
gfng out his check book, found that In his
haste and hurry he had copied OFF the
amount of his bank balance instead Of
the amount of the gas bill Just suppose
oh. just suppose-that the gas company
hadn't been such simple-minded, up
right, honest, fair and delicate corpora
ton. I'll bet it hurt 'em down there to
send It back, at that.
I realize that the one weak spot In this
otherwise highly truthful yarn Is the
statement which attributes a bank bal
ance of $9S4.62 to Mr.. Hay. But that's
the way 1t was told to me. Personally,
I'm confident that when the story started
out the balance was 1884 and that in the
telling since then the decimal has slipped
a couple Of times. Doubtless by this fall
Mr. Hay will be credited with making
out check for $9.s46.2o in payment Of
that gas bill. Let the good work go on.
I'd feel happy If / could make out a
check for that amount. even If had to
take trance hops to do it.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-08

New York city and that he will never
again drink anything stronger than un-
fermeIlted sa's'p' rilla.
For the following excellent and suffi-
cient reasons he explains. in a voice
tremulOus with wrath. humiliation and
penitence. "A friend of the gang was
starting for Europe. and a bunch OF his
and my bug friends got me to promise
that I'd go over to New York to wave him
dada when he was leaving on the steam
er.
Il had to stick at my desk, cleaning up
q lot of work. until within a quarter Of
an hour of train time, and 1 didn't have
d chance to take any luncheon. I only
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-08

identify him by stating that he Is the
same chap who claims that washington
j mt hot in the summer time.
The wefrdness OF 1t is that he isn't
kidder at all. The fellow positively be-
lieves that it isn't hot in Washington IN
the summer time. He has made up his
mind to believe 1t, and he does. He Is
like the man who narrates a fairy tale
so often that eventually he gets to be-
lieving in the gnome narrative himself.
You've often heard OF him, Of course.
''Doggone il ALL he says. petulantly.
while both of you are hopping the rivu-
let's of perspiration from your believed
foreheads, What do you expect in the
Summer time anyhow? Greenland wealth
Ell? Why the dickens didn't you hitch
on with Peary il you hankered SO blamed
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-08

ing large leaden pellets in them cannot
but have an uplifting effect upon the
people who have to stand by and look
on while this degrading performance is IN
progress. as it is in progress scores of
times every day all over Greater New
York.
In the meantime the cops are not doing
much else. Women are being slowly
toasted to death over bonfi-es, dismem-
bered bodies are being found nearly
every day in vacant lots. the waters
around New York are yielding up every
day the bodies of obviously murdered
men and women, and even the cops them
selves==as witness that recent case in
Brooklyn-are strongly suspected of TAX
ing a hand in the numbering of women.
And yet. atop of all this, the cutest and
most important thing that the New York
cops are now expected and instructed to
do is to keep plenty of cartridges in their
clothes so that they'll be able to kill all
of the unleashed and unmuzzled dogs that
they happen to swivel into in the course
of their beat poundngs.
The anti-dog mania is bad enough In
Washington, according to all that this
correspondent hears. but dogs lave a per-
feet bed of Jacqueminots in Washington
compared to the perilous time they and
their owners have of it in New York.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-08
Co.. ~p<A9daRsT@ aM<S@ 60

o'clock after light rejection of graham
waters and milk, and still be as gray as
a badger by the time you're thirty.
"The stage offers another reason why
the youngish men of today have grown
into the habit of liking gray hair. They
can't go to the theater without observ-
ing what hit the youngish-looking actor
with the natural or f1xed-up gray hair
audience.
Take. for example, the young second
son whose dad has forbidden him to
marry the buxom daughter of the lodge
keeper. He tells the girl that he's
'gy-ing uh-wye from heah, Nell, gell,'
folds her in his arms as he tells her that
he's off to the Australian diggins to
make his for-chune. so that he can come
back and claim her, and then he disap-
pears out of the door of the lodgekeeper's
shack to a slow curtain.
1.-TWO years elapse. The young fellow
appears in a lovely London drawing room
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-08

There's a bunch here at the back of yotlr
head that's positively white
Get out: is that So? says the young
fellow, in a tone of phony alarm, al
though anybody could see that he's
tickled almost foolish oh, 1 guess there
are only one or two gray spikes there,
and you're only exaggerating, hey"
g Not on your life,' replies the barber.
in an argumentative tone that pleases the
youngish chap so that he can hardly sit
still In his chair. I'll bet there are 300
of 'em right here in this patch-and say.
look here. they're slipping in all around
at the sides, too
"And the youngish chap grins OILY at
his reflection in the mirror, and looks
guilty.
We'll, that's what this thing of jam
ming around town at all hours of the
night and getting sleep is bound to
do for you high rollers the barber says
and then the young fellow protests that
he's been getting to bed as early as 2