The Richmond palladium and sun-telegram. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1907-1939, 1908-10-19
HUMoRIsT's ODD GRAMMAR.
Captain Derby Provided Literally For
Fiqurative Expression.

fi9ufdtiVe E&PFcSS1ons
Among the pieces which made up
the quaint output of Captain Derby.
whose too early death deprived Ameri-
ca of one of the most original humor-
lists, was one entitled "a New System
of English Grammar" 1t seems never
to have attracted much attention; but,
though there are in the volume con-
tanning it articles more broadly anus
ing, there are none in which wit and
wisdom are more fully blended. After
the lapse of years the exact words and
the particular illustrations employed
escape me in part, but the line of rea-
soning adopted will not vary material
ly from what is about to be given.
The humorist proposed to have all
descriptions and epithets marked on a
sufficient scale Of cemparison-not the
beggarly three to which we are now
limited, but to a number large enough
to indicate every variation of charac-
ter in the object under consideration
and every possible degree Of human
conception in regard to its nature. The
lowest conceivable amount of any hui
man quality consistent with its being
maximum would be represented by
100. Here, then, would be a wide
range between the perfection of the
idea expressed by the one number and
its bare existence merely implied by the
other, as well as the feelings of the
speaker about 1t, In which all shades
of thought and feeling would be fit
tingly represented. By prefixing to
each epithet a figure between 1 and
100 the precise truth in regard to it as
1t appears to him uttering 1t would be
conveyed to him hearing it. For ex-
ample, you are asked about your
health. Instead of replying pretty
well, tolerably well, very well or some
other ambiguous expression, you would
say, bearing in mind that 100 indicates
perfect health, I am Is. or so, or rs. or
80 well, or any other number, as the
case may be. BY this means the in
Quirer learns definitely what he wants
to know. He has not been put off with
formulas Of speech whose general ap-
plicability to different conditions Of
bodily health conveys nothing precise
to the mind The moment this meth
cd Of expression comes into general
use we shall speedily become exact
mathematical, truth telling in the high
| est degree.
How well the rule would work can
be best illustrated by the narrative Of
a simple incident of news communicate
ed by man to his friend in some such
words as these:
"On a rs fine morning I was 50
slowly walking down the So clean ave-
nue. when 1 CHANGED to meet the %
young and So charming Miss Smith,
about whom you ask. We at once ex-
changed the 81 usual meteorological
observation. 1T is 76 beautiful day
l remarked. Indeed, it is 95 beauti-
full day she replied. and am 81 glad
to have met you, for it is a 90 long
time since I have seen you I felt II
nattered by words like these coming
from 70 lovely girl. but proceeded to
make the II usual inquiries about her
health, for 1 knew that on that point
you had been 50 anxious. She told me
In reply that it had been IS poor, but
she was 100 glad to say that it was
now 81 good. Professor J. e. Louns-
bury in Harper's Magazine.