Bismarck daily tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1881-1916, 1908-07-07
life OF Will
| lam JAY BRYAN
BY 3. s. + KNAUSS, AUTHOR OF
SERIOUS THINGS SOME OF 45
THEM MORE SERIOUS
& $.s ,5@st THAN OTHERS. Il

time during the past century. He
had a mother and likewise a father
In case any should doubt these state
ments we will say that we have on
hand fourteen tons of original docu-
5ments to substantiate what we say
and will cheerfully produce them
whenever we are compelled to do
SO.Sssi gtsl 4 lls4ssts II A. # a.. 54i 'il.f 81
There is a well defined tradition
that he had silver spoon in his
mouth at the time Of his birth but
his father having a mortgage to pay
on the family mule sent the spoon
to the. mint and received sixteen
silver dollars in return for the one
spoon: Anyhow, we have learned
by our careful, painstaking and
thoroughly reliable historical metho-
DDS that the said mule is free and
clear of all incumbrance, although
couple Sofs greedy neighbors, John
son and Gray by name, have for
some time been endeavoring by
fraud, violence and malice afore-
thought, to obtain mechanics lien
against the mule, claiming for labor
performed in clipping his tail. In
our Judgment such action on the
part Of these neighbors is very rep
'rehensible, and we are willing to
leave it to Bryan himself as to the
correctness Of our Judgment.
I It is also rumored that this infant
Bryan had some brothers and sist-
ers, and we believe that we can
prove most conclusively that he had,
provided, Of course, that our large
circle of friends and acquaintance
will contribute the necessary expens-
es. In the writing of history we de-
sire, above everything else, to be
truthful, but we have found that we
can be much more truthful under
some circumstances than we can I'M
der others: If it should be shown
that Bryan actually did have broth
ers and sisters we can only, say that
it is perfectly satisfactory to us and
we shall never breathe a word about
it, or mention it to our most .intt-
mate friends. They are undoubtedly
trying to lead better lives and are
not to be condemned because they
happen to be related to Bryan. They
probably couldn't help it. ~.
After a most careful investigation,
and at vast expense, we have yascer-3
tanned that Bryan was raised on, a
farm. This occurred subsequent to
his birth. We are extremely pleased
to be able to chronicle this fact be-
cause SO many of our own acquaint-
ances were raisel somewhat sudden
ly, on telegraph poles along the right
Of way OF the Northern Pacific rail-
way, and we always did think that,
from a purely moral standpoint,
1t would be much better to be raised
ton a farm away from the morbid
curiosity of the section hands and
the sensationalisms Of such journals
as the Valley City Times-Record.
Then, too, it gives a person certain
amount Of political prestige to be
raised on a farm. We are almost
sure that Bryan would never have
consented to being raised on a farm
had he not looked the matter UP
beforehand and satisfied himself that
it would aid his candidacy.
Right here we wish to caution all
parents to look their children over
frequently for any signs of degener-
acy or any incipient disease that
might, If allowed to go without treat
ment, result fatally. @
It seems that the parents Of young
Bryan were good and faithful Pres
byterians, or other orthodox chris
tians, and yet when William arrived
at the full measure Of manhood and
also at the Chicago convention in
1896, it was discovered that he was
a Democrat, which melancholy cir
cumstance very nearly brought down
their gray heirs in sorrow to- the
grave. When interviewed by us they
sobhingly stated that they had once
noticed what appeared to be slight
tester on Williams left great toe
but had no idea at the time that 1t
would spread to the brain. We left
them utterly disconsolate and refus-
ing to be comforted.
This malady Of Williams has now
become chronic and practically in
durable. and IL he should be nom
mated at Denver this week he will
AT once enter upon his third term az
president of all the Democrats
Ethiopians and Mound-builders, and
the banner of Democracy will be
firmly planted at the head Of salt
creek between two niggerheads
bearing the motto, tsIN BRYAN WE
TRUST; UNITED WE STAND, 81.
IvIDED WE BUST, &.
THE word stbust'' as used above