The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1908-04-05
The Hotel Clerk ON Vivisection
az IRWIN s. COBB.

knock at the door, and found a husky
party standing on the doorstep with
q pot of glue in one hand and a cross
cut saw under his arm. he didn't
know whether the gentle stranger had
come to mend the drain or take off
the cooks leg. Fifty years ago, when
a citizen got the smallpox, II was a
signal for his relatives to pick out the
pallbearers and hold family prayers
but not on the same premises. II
man had il, and by accident got well.
he went around the rest of his life
with his face looking like an oyster
plate.
IF a pioneer had a touch OF fever
the doctor arrived. toting a crock Of
white powder, and gave him half
pound of it on the end of a knife. and !
kept the rest to make the death mask
with. Or II the sufferer resided In
the backWoods, there was always some
kind-hearted elderly lady in the neigh
borhood who turned up with line Of
LIQUID goods that she'd brewed out Of
sassafras root, and poison ivy and oak
gals and other delightful medicinal
products Of the field and the forest.
She wrapped the invalid UP in buf-
falO robes, and deluged his interior
with a gourdful of this pleasing mix
ture every fifteen minutes and sweat
ed the impurities through his hide I'M
til he was as open-pored as a piece Of
tripe. No wonder so many of our an
cestOrs had floating kidneys IL a kid
ney couldn't float, 1T drowned.
Il came along at a comparatively
| recent period, during the vogue OF the
brunette pill that was the size of
California plum. but not so tasty. In
my happy childhood if I carelessly
shifted in the home circle. 1 was
/ rubbed with mutton suet and asafoe-
/ tida in equal parts, only the asafoetida
attracted the most attention. II was
/ very hard for growing boy TO become
/ unduly conceited and think too much
of himself when he had been freely
anointed with mutton suet and asa
| foetida and then taken into a warm
room.
Its only been a. few years since we
had the appendicitis era. II was what
/ you might call the open season on pa
/ TENTS. A stitch in the side meant nine
/ in the hide. During that gladstone era
every other person you met had
date up at the hospital tomorrow aft
ernoon at O'Clock. He'd go UP and
| they'd invade him, and the next day
he'd go home, proud and happy, with
! his appendix in a bottle of alcohol II
he was of a saving and frugal dispo
sition, or leave II behind with 5000
| others Just like it, If be was of a care
| free, generous nature. Nowadays
when a man thinks he has appendi-
| citis his family doctor tells him to
chew his hard-boiled eggs before
swallowing them, and let's il go at
| that.
Thus we see, Larry. how the pro-
fession has progressed onward and up
| Ward-Ihat is, the doctors have pro-
gressed onward, and many OF the pa
tents have progressed upward-until
now almost any one of us is able to
die OF a great number of new and at
tractive diseases which were totally
unknown to our grandfathers. What's
more. If you only look for him, you
can always find a doctor that'n agree
I with you that you've got whatever tt
| is you want to have. One doctor says
you eat too much and ought to live
on chopped hay and proteid nuts =
few years. Well, Nou start in 30 do Il
but after two or three weeks you be-,
gin to get a little snappish, and you
can't pass a nice, clean. little fat boy
| without having a longing to bite into
him. So you go to some other doctor
around the corner from the first one.
and he asks you what you've been
doing to yourself, and you tell him.
and he says, merciful heavens. far be
il from him to knock e. brother prac-
titioner, because it's not good ethics,
and besides. it's unnecessary. but.
good gracious. it's a good thing you
came TO him before you were past
travelling. and he writes you out q
prescription calling for a club steak
six inches tall and half busheI OF
baked potatoes.
IF you desire a trip there's always
a doctor who's got brother that is 2
travelling passenger agent. If you've
been drinking too much, you can ind
a specialist who knows you ought 10
do the Rebecca-at-the-well. just as
soon as you tell him so. and when you
want to resume liquidation. II won I
take you five minutes TO get in touch
with a medical expert that will tres
you, and then stay right there wi.l
his foot on the rail and let you treat
him."
II kin remember" said the House
Detective. when the doctors used Ia
be mighty handy with their lancets
They don't bleed the patients any
more, do they?"
"Oh, yes, indeed" said the Hote
, Clerk, but not with lancet"
)