The Baltimore County union. [volume] (Towsontown, Md.) 1865-1909, 1908-11-14
MAR1A,s BURGLAR.

Heis called Maria S burglar because
I hired him on her account. AS the
children would say, he was not a
Greatly" burglar. One glance at his
gentle trankness, his serene respecta.
bility must have convinced you of
that fact beyond peradventure. More
over, he was my daughters fance,
AND no decent citizen, so far as I am
aware, would suffer an avowed law
breaker to remain in his household In
that capacity.
Maria's burglarphobia exhibited Its
first symptoms the night we moved
into our new home.
We were sleeping for the first time
under its roof. Hardly had dozed
off when l felt the gentle impact of
Maria's fist in my ribs and the soft
sibilance of her whisper in my ear i:
"Get up, John. There's someone on
our roof" raised my head and lis
tened attentively. "There's no one
there" announced definitely. Maria
insisted there was; adding that there
were two of them, and that one wore
hob-nailed shoes. Myquery as to the
size of the shoes met with no response.
At last, to satisfy her, arose and
went to the little closet on the top
floor which marks the entrance to our
scuttle. In one hand Ilcarried lamp !;
in the other an unloaded revolver.
Twice I called "Who's there ?" and
twice was I answered only by the
moaning of the wind as tswept along
the chimney tops. I did not raise the
scuttle lid time for that in the morn
ing. Though fully regaled with the
details of my expedition Maria remain
ed awake for at least four hours. She
told me about it the next day.
In the morning we found an old
felt hat on our roof. Maria gloated.
Our neighbours son claimed it later in
the day. saying he had dropped it on
our roof while playing on his own
some weeks previously.
Our burglars next appeared on the
frvat-st.,-s .-L4..4- r. o,olock of frosty
winters morning. From her trem-
bling place under the blanket Maria
could almost distinguish the words of
their conversation something fail
ed to accomplish, even though I
stood for three whole minutes in the
chilled vestibule with my car at the
front door keyhole. That we arose
the next morning to find ourselves
alive, our silverware intact, and our
doors securely bolted, Maria was in
clined to attribute to renaissance OF
age of miracles. After that we were
besieged no less than three times a
week sometimes oftener.
Maria" said 1, at last, "what is
1t about burglar that you fear so
abjectly? If one wants to get into
our place he'll get there, never fear.
Whatever he takes will be replaced
by the insurance people, anyway.
"And if he kills us where we lie
1 presume that will be liquidated by
the insurance people as well-if either
of us is here to collect it." This in
Maria's most sarcastic manner.
80 it is bodily injury you fear ?
Why? Am I not herel" Our
hero spoke these words with calm
confidence and fine fearlessness.
Under the circumstances Maria's re-
sponsive sniff was hardly compliment
tary. Bluntly she inquired-if bur-
glar saw fit to enter our room with a
loaded pistol in his hand and fero-
cious scowl upon his face--what
would I do?
"I'd jump out Of bed and grapple
him where he stood. I'd put my
knee on his neck and throttle him
until he howled for mercy. I'dpum'
mel him with all my might, and leave
him lying inert on the floor, while
went off to fetch an ambulance in
which to remove his battered carcass
that is, of course, provided he wa:
not inconsiderate enough to take tc
his heels before 1 had time to COM
plete my vengence." So that due
modesty might attend my claim,
vouchsafed the opinion that all bur.
glars are towards at heart.
"Indeed !'' said Maria. The sub
limated sarcasm and skepticism con
tanned In that brief word determined
me.
My prospective son-in-law, Clarence
Colburn, failed to evince instant en-
thusiasm over my plan, even though
1 offered to purchase on his behalf
the real thing in the shape of a mask
jimmy and a lantern. Before ht
agreed to carry out the part had as
signed to him, was obliged to prom
ise several things. First, the wratl
of his prospective mother -in-law mus
be appeased by me, in case of the dis
covery of his identity at whatsoeve
expense. Secondly, my demonstra
tions of bravery must be strictly pas
sive and largely oratorica1. I nigh
command him to desist; to leave tn,
house under threat of speedy appre
hension; to abandon his plunde
where he found it-but 1 must no
leave my place. 1 was not to toucl
the floor until he has full opportunit,
to clear the room. Lastly, my pisto
must remain unloaded-'in case W
get too excited, you know" Thes
details fixed, we set Thursday as tn
date, and prompt midnight as the hou
of our adventure.
Maria was very nervous that night
Three evenings before the Sanbori
house in our street had been entere'
and its contents removed to parts TN
bnoru, Thot vary ,nornino wa ha