The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1908-04-05

Clerk. synpathetically. Tell me,
have you a feeling in your heau iiAe
a merry go-round? "a
Shes achin' somethin' fierce. SAID
the House Detective. Amt let up
minute since I got out of bed.
And is your tongue furredy asker
the Hotel Clerk. ''Or do you happen
to be one of those Christian science
persons that don't believe in furrles
rs II that" said the House Detect
i've. Mr.. Mclean, my tongue Is that
furred Till 1t tastes like an automobile
coat i feel like as IL l had a wool
mitten in my mouth-an old veteran
G.. A. r. mitten that amt been used
any too kindly, and oughter be on the
retired list I'd trade tongues, sight
unseen, with anybody ! know, and Ia
take a chance on most any stranger.
I'm sorry for YOU" said the Hotel
Clerk Il always liked you, Larry
and I'd hate like anything to see you
cut down in the flower OF your life,
and YOU still owing me that last TWO
YOU borrowed to make it an even ten.
You don't think it's anythin Sc
riotIs do you?" asked the House De
tective. anxiously Had l better be
SEEM the doctor right away?
well. that largely depends on what
vo,, want TO have and how much you
want to nav for it," counselled the
Hotel Clerk. BY consulting any re-
liable patent medicine circular you
can ACQUIRE one of the proprietary uis-
eases, a good. reliable disease such as
can he cured with four or six boxes
of the Number 2 pellets one OF nioie
of the Masters described on page o,
and a few half gallon bottles OF good
old DR. Slopovers Dark Blue Eilxir'
This is one of the most popular ways
of finding out what ails you, ana III
the long run it's the cheapest Also
If YOU write a testimonial. II gives
YOU a fine chance TO get your name
prominently before the reading pup
lie that stands UP on street cars Dut
if YOU banker for something niue
more expensive, you can go TO q reg :
ular doctor on side structure U
the dollar-ante docks that has his Of
Ace hours printed all over the front
window. OF course, now, If your taste
calls for one of the exclusive ana
truly classy maladies. you might take
all the money you've been aoie 10
save up in the last few years, ana en-
joy a couple of luxurious visits TO a
read creme de la crematory specialist
that wears V-shaped whiskerS ana
| talks in words of six syllaoles he il
| take your temperature with one hahu
and your bankroIl with the other, ana
| tell YOU you've got a new complaint
that sounds like the name OF private
Yacht. and advise you to take few
weeks trip to Palm Beach, entirely
forgetting that after he's collected his
bill YOU won't be able to get as far
south as Railway, y. j. unless you
catch an unguarded freight train.
"Of course. on a hasty diagnosis
| such as this has been, l can't say
exactly, but I think you've got spinal
meningitis or spring cold II it's
spinal meningitis, you can leave IL
alone, and let nature take its course.
but if it's a spring cold. you are in
serious condition, and I'd advise you
10 go right home. and take seven or
eight drinks of whisky and quinine,
| leaving out the quinine II you dislike
/ the taste. and then go to bed and
/ sleep 1t off,
''Wot turned you agin' the doctors
/ 500" asked the House Detective, Ian
I guidIy. when a Teller feels as bad
as / do. a doctor looks like an angel
to him"
Il haven't turned against the doc
tor said the Hotel Clerk. Tn
strong for him. He's with us when we
come into the world, and he's with us
when we pass out of it, frequently
lending a helping hand on both occa-
sions. MY sympathies are particular
liz with him at this time when the
nti-vivisectionists are handing the
medical profession so many clouts on
the jaw"
THE anti wot did you say" asked
the House Detective.
THE Observation-Disclosures" repeated
the Hotel Clerk. Meaning by that
Larry, the people who think it's IN
g. Into hun NJ
rabbit or inoculate a tabby cat with
the cigarette habit in order to find out
what ais a grown man when the cir
cumstances are similar or sometimes
different All classes are enlisting in
the crusade. including some of the hu
manitarians who go to SHOOTING
matches and blow the giblets out o.
tame pigeons a number OF philanthro
pists who like to fish with live frog
for bait, a strong delegation Of tn
ladies who wear deceased song bird
on their hats and scores of those kind
ly gouTmands who always want thei
Holsters live brOiled.
ITO be sure, Larry, it's barely pos
sible that the vivisection game ma!
| have been overdone in certain quar-
ters I suppose when a bright youn;
man from medical college gets hi
first kit of nice. shiny new tools he
| actuated by the same ambition tina
. induces a 10-year-old boy to want L
: hack off the Grand Rapid legs of tn
J Chippendale sideboard with the to-
hatcnet he got off the Christmas tree
:. read in the scientific journals some
time where the eminent DIR. Gluten
! slash tells about mixing the vital or
gans of a pelican and a pug dog. A
result of this interesting and con
! genial experiment he is now able {
: report that the pug dog drowned him
self while diving for minnows. an
! the pelican went out into the back
! yard and barked himself to death a
the moon. All of which is highly in
] teresting, but speaking purely as
5 layman. I fail TO see where the pres
} ent mode OF treating hives in sma
children has been materially benefite
: thereby.
. Il myself. Larry. am a great love
; of our dumb animal friends, such a
r the night blooming tomlawsoncat, tn
] talking poll parrot, the early risin
S hound pup, the non-extinguishab l
, canary bird and the gentle guinea pi
no, I'd cut out the guinea pig, be
cause he's not as dumb as the other
p have named, although quite dumb a
' times when you try TO teach him
: few graceful and sprightiy tricks