Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1908-04-23
Evolutionary
Troubles Of Bill Kennedy with
Its Contents

I'm the old days, down In Arkansas"
said the stranger with the goatee and
black string tie. "Bill Kennedy was
railroad contractor on the Memphis G.
Little Rock. Bill has gone up in the
world since then, is millionaire one
or two times over, and owns, reckon.
one or two little railroads himself. But
Bill, in those days, was kept hustling
to keep the mules fed up on hay, and
what with swamp fever and poor es-
Inmates. Arkansas did not look too
good to him.
But Bill was always plucky. be-
lieved right along that he would come
to the top, and there is no saying
where man with a belief like that
will end. Bin lost no chances in Civ
ing Providence tip in the line of
helping good man who surely helped
himself He stuck to his contract.
and with the aid of the missus in the
cookhouse, and Red Mike on the
dump, kept his head above the
swamps, and finally pulled out some
thing If not much, to the good
In his leisure moments, which
were not frequent, he would turn his
attention to what the missus thought
would improve his mind, and help him
not to disgrace his wealth when 1t
came. Bill had no fear but that it
would come all right.
"One of Bills weak points was his
spelling. Through the aid of his wife
he had mastered the mysteries of
writing, for Bill, before being married,
had moments of grave difficulty in af-'
fixing his John Henry Hancock to a,
pay check. But the wicked incense!
/ quence of English spelling put him on
the run, and while he never had any,
difficulty in saying what he wanted to-
say in a letter, a remarkable SUI
harassed his efforts in more or less
legible expression of his views.
Nov Bill had an old bookkeeper in
those days-probably has him yet--a
| thin, dried up runt of man, whom
| Bill kept to shave and muddle his
safety valve to let off bad language
that might otherwise have brought
him into trouble with a hard-fisted
son of Ireland
"Old man Drury had made several
attempts to get away from Bill, and
cussed him freely, but privately, be-
hind his back as slave driver, but
nobody else ever seemed to want him,
and he always drifted back to Bill. So,
because and for the reason that he
was cheap, and though he drank on
the sly, Bill thought him sober, he was
kept on as sort of charitable object
lesson.
"To Drury, in his struggles with
English literature, Bill turned for as
sistance.
"'What In thunder, Drury,' he asked,
can get to help me to spell? can't
learn it. There is no rule to tell you
why word is spelled that way. You
! just simply have to know. With me it's
all guesswork. Amt there book can
get that / can look up when I'm
stumped for a word, and 1t will give
me the right hang of it?'
"'Sure,' says old man Drury. You
get dictionary All you have to do is
| to get a dictionary, and when you're
stumped for the spelling, all you have
to do is to look the word up in the
dictionary, and there you have the
spelling all correct
"This looked good to Bill, and he
| gave old man Drury check and told
him to go out and buy the biggest and
| best dictionary in the market. So old
man Drury went out and bought an
enlarged and comprehensive edition,
with luminous wood cuts and explana-
tory foot notes, and all right and
proper to enlighten the ignorance of
man like Bill. Then he planted the
dictionary in an exposed and con1picu-
Gus place on Bills desk For Bills
correspondence needed desk by this
time, and he had to give up his old
corner on the commissary counter,
which was now relegated to its proper
use of storing dry-salted sides for the
niggers.
Bills literary explorations went on
swimmingly, and he found more words
spelling them than he had ever dreamt
of. One day, however, the trouble
came. Old man Drury was doing over
his desk, when a violent explosion
occurred in Bills office, and the die
tionary came hurting past old man
Drury's head and into the room burst
Bill himself, apparently under the in
fluence of violent emotion.
"'Drury,' yelled Bill, that book is
no good;'
"Why, what's the matter? family
asked the astonished Drury. What's
the matter, Mr.. Kennedy? What's
wrong with the dictionary?
cit hain't got all the words in It,"
shouted Bill. It's no good at all.
Drury. l don't want no book that
hain't got all the words, Drury. I've
been looking for word for half an
hour and / can't find it.
"What word were. you looking for.
Mr.. Kennedy?
"Thy, Drury, wanted to write the
word pneumatic" and / looked In
that blamed dictionary and there's no
SIGH word in it. l tell you, Drury, the
books no blamed good
"'Where did you look for it?' in
quired the patient Drury.
"'Among the ms" of course, you
blamed fool. Where do you think
should look for it?'
when Bill found that pneumatic
was spelled with p he gave up the
struggle with the English language.