The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1908-03-29
The Hotel Clerk on April Fools Day
inNLn
By IRWIN S. COBB.

, the strongest vanilla bean of his age
around the works. Send Hitchy,' said
everybody. 'Hitchy will be there with
the real Mexican like a jar of eye
salve.
And Wen have to admit that he had
a great record. At college OF in poll
tics, or talking about himself-in every
employment to which ne lent himself.
he was distinguished. 1t was while he
was at Cambridge that Harvard made
such a showing in athletics. For two
years she held the championship in
crokinOIe, successfully defended the
progressive caroms title against the
Baptist Young Peoples union, the
Christian EndeavOr, the Y. NJ. c. A.
and all other eontenders; and would
have won a football game once had not
several coarse, unmannerly young Iaen /
from New Haven, Conn.,, detained Mr..
Hitchcock and his teammates and pre-
vented them from carrying the hail
forward to the other end of the field
In the postoffice department he hdd
been associated with the special Issue
of jamestown exposition stamps, The
Friday afternoon tennis games, add
other great movements which attract
ed widespread attention.
so they sent MIR. Hitchcock. He |
journeyed through the south dropping |
here a helpful word and there cheer
ing message. In Virginia he gathered
a convention of second class post
masters together and whispered to
them that when it came to making Two
juicy, luscious, golden russell jobs grow
where but one had grown before. Taft
had Luther Burbank looking like an
amateur gardener planting canary bird
seed and hoping to grow watermelons.
In Kentucky he let it be known that |
his friend Taft felt there was good
deal to be said in favor of the night /
riders, not to mention the esteemed /
persons whom they night-rode from
time TO time. In Louisiana he called 1
together the Republican party 81 that
state, including both the white men, /
and admitted confidentially that after
! Big Bill was installed in the White |
| House all those mute inglOrious heroes |
OF BrOwnsville-and you remember |
| they were blamed mute, especially I'M /
/ der cross tion-would be rein /
stated in the army and made briSadiers
on full pay. To the leaders of the Iar-
! tv i'm South Carolina he came right out |
and said that of the three great fight |
1 ing Jacksons, the present secretary of
war regarded Peter as having both An
/ drew and StOneWan beaten to a sub |
urban mile. And so it went, Larry.
And what's happened? Larry, I'm /
almost ashamed to tell you what's hap |
| pened. To date. Mr.. Taft almost car
ried Florida, and in Alabama there are /
only two or three sets OF 'cOntendlng
delegations. Mr.. Hitchcock is reported /
to be concealed somewhere along the /
Brazos river fearing to return and face /
/ the wrath Of his chief and Messrs. can |
non. Fairbanks, Knox and Hughes are 1
reading the dispatches from Louisville, 1
| Atlanta and Richmond with unteiSneo 1
| pleasure"
Il wonder wot the trouble is, sand |
/ the House Detective. L thought them |
southern Republicans worshipped the
very ground Roosevelt walked on.
| so they did, SO they did" said the |
! Hotel Clerk. but you must remember |
he's been doing a lot of walking. SIX
months ago in every cOlored Repubh- !
can club south of the Ohio river thefe
was a large framed picture showing
| rhe President in the act of passing the
| fried ham to Booker T. Washington,
with a lot of the poor white trash
/ looking through the windows of the
White House dining room upon the
! festive scene. Every time a southern
Republican saw an oculists sign, Just
/ over a painless dentists ad, he caught
himself cheering. But its changing.
Sometimes Larry, / find myself Won
dering that maybe the president COM
mitted the crime of getting too popu-
lar. That's one of the worst things
you can do under republican form OF
! government. Many a man in this
| country has started out to carve him
self niche in the Hall of Fame and
wound up by dispOssessing a cock
| roach from a crack in the wall simply
on account of getting too popular.
! There was Rudyard Kipling, you re-
! member. A few years ago, when Rud
was living up in New England, getting
local color from the PeabOdys, the
| WmthrOpS, the Quincy Adamses and
/ other leading families for his jungle
stories, he fell i'll, and they brought
! several specialists into the case, and
/ then people said the case was indeed
! hopeless. II looked as if the United
States would go out of business alto
/ gether if Rud/ passed out. The floral
| designs that were sent to his house
more than filled the barn. For two
/ solid weeks the family horse lived on
/ Gates Ajar and tube rose pillows that
I had been forwarded by well-meaning
| but premature parties. William Dean
! Howell climbed down a chimney into
| the guarded sick room, sObbing aloud,
and Ella Wheeler Wilcox stood on the
/ front stoop and wept until the Wains-
! coating of the reception hall got
! mOuldy But at this critical juncture
| Mr.. Kipling got well and told the sOr-
/ rowing nation to beat it off his prem
Il lSeS, ana IN TWO weeks tnere was
strong talk of taking him out and
/ lynching him. He got too popular.
! And there was Dewey and Hobson
| and a lot more. One week we we're
riding Dewey under arches of triumph,
and the next an Infatuated mob was
| chasing him into the coal cellar of the
| handsome residence which we thought
we were giving to him. but weren't.
And as for Hobson, he also got popular
] 4 h., r,l1 N,.l rxrl,a. se- -
| congress- that's where. Need l say
/ more?
And maybe it's the same way with
| the President Larry maybe he got
/ overly popular, He should have been
| careful"
| "Wots Taft been dom about it?''
| asked the House Detective
''Nothin' yet" said the Hotel Clerk.
! He's waiting for Instructions | think
from headquarters