davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-06-17
Sympathy.

What made you kick Jimpson?"
HE called me an ass
"Oh. well. kicking is characteristic
Of asses. but shouldn't think you'd
want to confirm Jimpson's statement
SO quickly" London Telegraph.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-06-17
All In a Name.

"What do you put on the rabbit
when you cook it," asked the innocent
young lady.
"oh. any kind of standard hare
dressing" replied the sophisticated
one.
The very idea"' exclaimed the
young lady before clever and quick
witted friends had succeeded in bring
ing her Il diagram of the jest
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-06-17
Why It Was There,

Aunty Tommy. | put three pies in
here Yesterday, and now there is only
one. How is that? Tommy Please, it
was so dark. aunty, didn't see that
e!-Punch.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-06-17
Hu1nor aro Philosophy
BY DUNCAN II. Smith
CAN / FoRGET?

Can l forget that day in May
Some twenty years ago
When. with little wayside maid,
l walked. her gawky beau?
Can | forget how. hand in hand,
We strolied along the street
And for Il five cent peanut sack
l offered her treat?
Can | forget how later on
Beside the fragrant hedge
I took her little hand in mine
And made an earnest pledge,
And how we sauntered home along
A way that seemed too short,
AS happy as two turtledoveS
Or something of that sort?
Can l forget a bit of shade
Within a woodland deep
Where this sweet maiden and myself
Were wont our tryst to keep!
Can l forget how at such times
The hours had golden wings,
While 1 protected her from bugs
And other crawling things?
Can 1 forget? No: l cannot.
The reason is for why?
] never courted girls like that
When l was young and shy,
Or if l did such silly things
For youth you must allow.
And anyhow If it were SO
l wouldn't own it now.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-06-17
Exemplary.

He always showed a smiling face.
Full we'll he played his part.
He never played a horse for place
Nor broke a maiden heart.
a model man he was indeed
A dummy, nothing more.
To Show the latest style in tweed
Before the clothing store.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-06-17
The Pest.

ne rest.
The neighborly mosquito
Has lately come to town,
And with amazing greed. oh,
He sulps the claret down.
The things that most annoy us
Right TO our door he brings.
And meanwhile. blithe and joyous.
Above our heads he sings.
It's him for juicy living.
He gets it. you can bet,
For each of us is giving
To keep his whistle wet.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-06-17
Wanted to Know.

"Why do you hate persimmons?
What do you mean?" t
What say
who said anything about persim-
mons?"
Nobody, but you seem to like every
thing else"
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-06-17
Esotistical rhino.

Did you ever kiss a girl before?'
Don't put it that way"
What way:'
"Why don't you ask me if a girl ever
kissed me before?'
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-06-17
Deep Distress

Going to buy that new suit this
spring."
NO: I'm feeling too poor
"Pshaw. you don't know what power
ty is..''
Maybe you do"
Maybe When we Were out west
-four was so hard to get my wife
couldn't afford to use it for face pow
DER
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-06-17
Question For Science.

Do steam heated. asbestus bound
love epistles really hypnotic ancient
and lettering human bank accounts
who apparently absorb them as a
crack first baseman absorbs wild
throw?
Maybe SO. Maybe not.
Grandpa winks the other eye and
chuclls himself under the chin While
he keeps his hand on his pocketbook
Fair Maybell thinks she has him fold
ell away in a neat package. ticketed
and filed away in her cabinet of Gu
rios. but later disclosures during the
alimony collecting period often show
that she was but one of dozen in
stead of the only ownest one inciden-
tally mentioned in the letters.
BY the time a man has acquired the
wisdom that eighty odd years impart
he knows that a letter that is two
thirds composed OF spontaneous com
bustion means that some one is going
to ask him for money very shortly.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-06-17
Far From the Source.

'"Hello. colonel. What is the latest?"
Don't know. | haven't seen my
wife since morning.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-06-17
Miss a Little Thin,
ave my

when die think ! will leave nv
brain to Il scientist"
why wait till you de?"
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-06-17
One ADVANTAGE.

The side door seeper's hunks are hard
And noisome is the trip.
But Still no porter comes around
To gather in tip.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-06-17
PERT PARAGRAPHS.


Doubling your ability to get it never
brought you rise in salary.
There are some virtues that. judged
simply by their consequences. can't be
distinguished from vices.
The pity for suffering humanity that
some people entertain is too apt to be
of too limited application and too local
in character.
When you run against blockhead
the resulting confusion is apt to be
upon your own Uranium.
Don't cry over split milk; it prob
ably was sour anyway.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-06-17
Don't cry over split
ably was sour anyway.


There are PEG
Pile whom we
know who may
be wise, but if
so they base Il
skillfui manner
Of conceaIing the
fact.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-06-17

When man gets swelled head the
chances are that he will have to take
some medicine for it.
1t is hard to down the man who is
dead certain that he can't lose.
Some people who are so sure that
they could make the world over anc
make it right would have the walking
delegate calling strike on the job be-
fore they had run the machine an hour.
There are too many people who are
simply possessed to quit and draw their
salary before they begin.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1908-06-17
Sure Sign.

II see John is in love with her"
Where do you see it?''
He stands for the old mans cigars ,
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1908-07-21
CORNELL GRIDIR0N LOSSES.
0'Rourke the Latest Football Crack
 Who Will Not Return.

Ithaca. N. r., July 21.-word was received in this city Sunday that Bar ney O'Rourke. for three years right tackle and guard on the Cornell foot ball team. will not return to the uni- versity. O'R0urke Is now employed by the state engineers department near his home in Syracuse and he has decided not to return to Cornell. al- though he has only one more year to go to finish his course. Although he has played three years he still would be eligible in the fall because the one year rule did not go into effect until after he entered college. should he stay ont a year. however he will not he allowed to play football again.
 It Is rumcrsd that O'Rourks was behind ia his work and that it is Sou5tful fl hs would have been allow ed to play anyway. O'Rourks's loss viii he felt severely at Cornell. par ticulsriy as seven of last rszrs team are gone. Among the others who wfIII not play next year are Thompson. wko busted cat. May. center. who qufs college. Earle. who vas Eradu- stsa. snd McCaIlie. who narriss znd Isft tke university.
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1908-07-21

with leap of 10 feet 11L inches. The worlds record of the Jersey Skeeter" is II feet 4Is inches. made in St. Louis in 1904.
 Several hundred Americans. mostly tourists. with many ladies. who were massed together in the seats next tc the royal box. gave an exhibition of cheering which suggested an Ameri- can college crowd and immensely amused the foreigners. The attend anee at the games was fair. but the weather in the afternoon was gloomy and threatened rain The competitors from the United states are deploriag the continual absence of sunshine.
 Sweden. like America. complained about the way In which the draws for the SD meter runs were conducted. f having turnes sui that two of their best men were plared together in the sixth beat
 he city of London police team. vhlch uoa the Olympic tag of war. has tssned q chaIlenze fct q match with tke Anerseza team. tho msmberz ef both teams to be in tke4r stocking feet ar In aay way the Americans pre- fer and the zatrh ts be fer love sr <zT ezzritv.
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1908-07-21
THE DIAMOND
WE GOT ZERO TO THEIR SIX
Meriden Gave Us a Dose of Whitewasb - All Other
 Results.

t f.
 The Meriden Record dopes out that game of yesterday as follows:'
 Harry O'Hagan and his bunch of players trolleyed to Meriden from the Brass city Monday afternoon and were given bunch of goose eggs by Gus Soffels Silversmiths at Hanover park. Old Tom Tuckey was on the slab for Meriden and the visitors could get only one safe bingle off him. Seven of them swatted the at mosphere and only one got a pass. Only twenty-eight men faced Tuck ey. f
 Kid Carmody, a Waterbury boy, was in the box for Waterbury. He pitched good game, considering his youth and inexperience. Nine hits, two of which were doubles, were made off his delivery. He passed three and was able to fan only one of the Meriden batsmen.
 Swander was the only one to get a. hit and also the only one to get beyond second sack. In every in- ming except the ninth Waterbury went down in one, two, three order. The score:
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1908-07-21
THE ELKS LEAGUE.
Waterbury Has Now Won Half of
 Her Scheduled Games.

Waterbury journeyed over to Mid dletown yesterday and tackled the horned tribe over there on the Wes- leyan ball field. There was nothing to it but Waterbury, although Mid dletown did make a stab for it in the fifth inning when the scorers said the locals had made eight runs, The Middletown boys were tickled to death, for 1t was the first time that any of the teams had passed Water buSys in the race for the pennant. Their joy was short lived however for like on other occasions the Wa terburians stepped up to the plate in the very next inning and pounded in seven runs just to stay in the lead once more. Bill Thompson was on the firing line for the Waterbury boys and in every inning but that fifth did he have them at his mercy. The regular Waterbury team was not out either, for it was difficult to get them all to go over the road. We had practically a crippled team for George Gaffney, although the whole game was in no shape to do so and several other players had Charley Horse" We had three substitutes out in the outfield and were short the services of Mike Sla- win, Fred Henebry, Tommy Lawlor, Doc Mcdonald and. Billy Sandland. It is expected however when the team goes to Hartford on Thursday that the regular lineup will be out In full force, for Hartford says she has prepared surprise for us. A big crowd of rooters from Water bury went over with the team yes- terday and at least one hundred are going to Hartford on Thursday. The lineup of the team for that day will probably be as follows: Slavin c, o'Connell. Thompson and Brennan pitchers. Roger Connor 1b, Billy Sandland or George MulIigan 2b, Fred Henebry 3b, Joe Daly ss, Tom my Lawlor If, Doc Mcdonald of, Frank Bergen If. Others who will be in uniform are George Gaffney, Ed Futile, Jack Begley, Jimmy O'Rourke. That is an array of tal- ent that ought to go through this league on the jump. The score of yesterdays game was as follows:
 R.H.E. sIO3O74oO-is 2I 6 Mid'sown 70 0O3sI-0 0-13 IO9 9
 Batteries-Thompson and Gaf- ney: Mountain, Carlson and Emmett.
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1908-07-21
THE LEAGUE RECORDS.
Waterbury Has Two Men in the Hon.
 or Class. '

There was some busy batting all along the line last week in the Con necticut league, despite few to 0 battles. To-day there are fifteen men in the 300 class, although several just hang on by an eye-lash. For the first time since he joined the Bridge port team Hits name appears in the charmed circle. The Bridgeport shortstop has been hitting the ball consistently for several weeks and has been gradually overcoming rather low start. On several occa- sions he has threatened to get there, but the desired result did not come until last week. Hit is a fine hit ter, and if he continues to improve in another season as he has this year he will be one of the stars of the league.
 Jimmy O'Rourke showed marked signs of regaining his form, espec- ially towards the close of the week when he made seven hits in two games. But for that rally he would have had a further fall, as it is he holds his own, although losing in position because of fine work by Soffel of Meriden and Nichols of Waterbury.
 McCabe of New Britain is another player who had made very bad start, but he finally worked up into the 300 class. Tn the last six weeks he made 61 safe hits and batted at the rate of .372, which wiped out the early deficiency when he hit around 200 and carried him into the select rating.
 Rising Is still the leagues real leader, but by reduced percentage. Jerry Nops of Bridgeport has the best average, but Jerry has only taken part in ten games Here is
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1908-07-21
DoNLIN AND CRIss.
Big Leagues Leading Hitters--Ross-
 man Ranks Well.

Unofficial records taken from the most reliable source show Donlin and Criss as the leading hitters of the major leagues. Donlin tops the National league sluggers with an av- craze of 1886 and -Criss leads the clouters of the American league with .355. Ty Cobb is climbing along to- ward the leadership in the American league and it will probably not be long before he leads. the procession.
 Fielder Jones, the former Spring field player, is hitting for PAS with the White Sox. Dave Altier, another Springfield star of few seasons ago, is batting for but .219 with Wash ington. Claud Rossman, who used to break boards in Connecticut league fences when he played for Holyoke, ranks sixth in the Ameri- can league with an average of .3l0. In the National league Jack Hanni- fin of Holyoke is hitting for 200 with Boston.
 Hans Wagner continues to lead the country in long distance slam ming, his extra bases this week to- taling 101. Cobb, with a total of SS, is gaining on the Pittsburger and may outstrip him.
 Sam Crawford and Matty McIn- tyre, receiving the benefit of Cobb's great bingling, are the country's best run getters, each having scored 50 times. Wagner tops the Pulliam scorers with 55 round trips, but Fred Penney, helped around by Donlin's great sticking, has 54 tallies opposite his name up to date.
 Wagner still is the premier pilfer- CT in tse big leaguers, his larcenies now aggregating 27. Pat Dougherty is the boss Rallies in the American league with 23 steals. The leading martyrs are Bob Ganley for the John son players and Johnny Kane for the Pulliam athletes. Those batting for .250 or better are as follows:
 National Teapue
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1908-07-21
POLICE WERE BEATEN.
New Haven Stick Wielders Were Too
 Much For Us.


 New Haven. July 21.-The annual base ball battle between the local police force and the finest of Wa terbury at Savin Rock yesterday re- suited in a victory for New Haven by the score of II to q. Pitcher Der mody at all times had the Water bury aggregation at his mercy.
 New Haven started the scoring in the first inning by getting two runs on Lautenbach's and Dermody's sin gles and an error. by sCavanaugh. Waterbury scored, one in the fourth and was given five more in the fifth because of errors by the local team.
 New Haven soon overcame this lead by good hitting and errors by the visitors.
 In the fifth inning McDermott was taken out and Tracy sent in to take his place. In the sixth Cavanaugh of Waterbury was replaced by Cutting.
 With a little more practice the New Haven nine should without diff ficulty trim Hartford, who plays here a week from to-day. The score:
 New Haven Police.
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1908-07-21
Western League. At Lincoln-Lincoln 6. Denver s.
BASEBALL NOTES.
New Haven here to-morrow.

New Haven here tomorrow.
 Big George Lachance says we are due for another trimming. but Harry 0'Hagan says George does not al- ways tell the truth.
 The Middletown Elks used the local Elks finely over in that burg yesterday. Reciprocity will be the order of the day when Middletown comes here on August 12.
 Billy Hanna was born under a lucky star. The moment he assumed the ownership of the New Britain team the fans began to flock out to the ball field and New Britain will be one of the big money makers this season.
 Hartford is once more in the lead and Springfield dropped to second place. That is a great race between those two teams and it will be hard to pick a winner whenever they meet. although the Hartford sport writers again have the pennant pole in pre- paratiun.
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1908-07-21
THIS WEEKS SCHEDULE.

Tuesday. July 2I-New Britain at Waterbury. Bridgeport at Hartford. HoIyoks at New Haven. Meriden st Springfield.
 Wednesday. July 2z-Nev Haven at Waterbury. Bridgeport st spring fsld. New Britain at Meriden. Hart ford al Holycke.
 Thursday. July z5-SrrinEfeid at Waterbury. Hartford at New Britain. Bridgeport al Holyoks. Nev Haven at Nerifen.
 Friday. July 24-wstsrbury at Hsrtford. Holvoke at NsW Britain. Springfield al New Haven. Msridsn al Bridgeport
 Satur1ay. July 95-Watsrhurr at New Haven Msridsn at Hartford. Springfield at Bridgeport two gzues1. New Britain al HolYoks two Ezzssl
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1908-07-21
HARTFORD AGAIN LEADS.

Springfield. July zi.-sprins- fields inability to hit with men on bases gave Hartford a 5 to { victory and the league lead by itself yester- day. After Springfield had gone tn a to Q lead on solid hitting. Hart ford tied the score hv getting after Hess. The visitors landed two more runs through SprinEaeld's poor work.
 The home team filled the bases in the eighth with none cut. bat could not score and fa the ninth scored only one run after getting men on second and third with none out The score. R-HE Hartford eaa1ao1eas sI Springfield .2I00ee eeaaI-4 Q Q
 Batte7iss-Evans. Schurasn. W.T. son and O'Lezry. Hees4 Powell and Connor.
 Sacrifice hits. FzI1on. CoarsrY.
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1908-07-21
BRIDGEPORT PULLED OFT.

Bridgeport, July 2I.-Bridgeport won a heart-breaking game from Holyoke yesterday, to 1. all the runs coming in the last two innings. and in most of the innings both sides going ont in one. two. three order. Hodge weakened just a trife at the end of the game and three Of Bridge ports four hits came then. The score: RIFE Bridgeport. OOOOOOO11-aIs Holyoke Q. OOOOOO00 3 2
 Batteries-Romer and Beaumont; Hodge and Ahearn.
 Two base hit. Miller; sacrifice hit. Bertwhistle: stolen bases. Miller. Romer; double play. Baker. Boucher and Massey. left on bases. Bridge port 5, Holyoke { bases on balls. on Romer 1, of Hodge 2. bases on errors. Bridgeport 2. Holyoke 2: struck out. by Hodge g; time, Tn Som: umpire, Rodgers.
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1908-07-21
THE SPORTING NEWS.

Moves, Luby. Yale, Burns; stolen bases, Connery, Rising, Connor; two base hits, Rising, Yancey: bases on balls, off Schuman 3, off Wilson 1 off Hess l, of Powell 1; left on bases, Hartford 6, Springfield 10 struck out, by Evans 1, by Schuman 4, by Wilson 2, by Hess 4, by Powell A.;
 hits, off Evans 5 in innings, off Schuman in innings, off Wilson 2 in 2 innings, off Hess 6 in in- nings, off Powell 1 in innings;
 wild pitch, Schuman; time, 2h Ism;
 umpires, Kennedy and Rorty.
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1908-07-21
Totals ..... 47 II 16 27 10 F

Stolen bases, Horan, Dodds, Der mody 2, Mccormick; two base hits, Dermody; double plays, Dermody, Sullivan, Lautenbach; hits, off Der mody 6, off Donahue Is; struck out, by Dermody 8, by Donahue 10; bases on balls, by Dermody 2; wild pitches, Donahue; hit by pitched ball, Dodds; passed balls, McDermott g.; left on bases, New Haven 10, Water bury 6; time of game, In som; um- pire, Roach; attendance, 125.
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1908-07-21
MANY SCRATCHES IN RACE.
Mar First Event at Brighton - Pins
 and NesdIeR Handicap.


 New York. July 21-Scratches rathef spoiled the opening event at the Brighton Beach track, King cobals being among the seven eliminated. Nealon made his first appearance, and he looked grand. but still bit high in flesh. Tom McGrath was made an odds on favorite, the next best fa- vored being at to 1. Nealon was held at 10 to 1. Tom McGrath soon went to the front and won very easily, with Altuda a strong second and Ex- position third. Nealon showed no speed at any time.
 It was McCahey's ride that landed Pins and Needles in front in the fourth. a handicap for three-yearolds and upward at one and one-sixteenth miles. Ziensp. st II to 5. as usual vas the first to break at the start and made the running for the first Eve furionEs Then Pins and Needles. who was following the pace close. was lift ed to the front by Mccahey and won by four lengths. Summaries:
 First Race. Tom McGrath. hrxt: Altuda. second: Explosion. third
 Second Race.-MarceIlus first: Tor. bellino. second; Efeodi. third.
 Third Race. = Arssee. frsf: CeorEs c. Hal second: Druid. third
 Fourth Race Pins and Needles, first. Zlenap. second: spooner. third.
 Fifth Racc - Jimmy Lane. nrstt Grandpa. sec01d. Cuhan. third.
 Sixth Rae Wise Mason. fnti Aro1dack- second. O. c. Kid. thlrd
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1908-07-21

New Britain, July 21.-The pro- phet prophesied without Nolte in the box, when a victory was foretold for the New Britain base ball team yes terday afternoon. They met defeat at the hands of the New Haven squad. 6 to 4. Nolte is not yet in sufficiently good condition to keep the pace with the other pitchers of the league and he was kept in too long. Ward took his place in the fifth. but the game was lost, so it proved afterwards. Padron was put in in the ninth to bat in place of Ward in the hope of pulling the team out of the mire. but he famed out. It was hard luck all round. The score: R.H.E. N. Britain. 010O2 O201OO-4 2 New Haven 020 22000 00-6 8 1
 Batteries-Nolte, Ward and Ruff ange; Hannifin. Stoup and Waters.
 Two base hits, Nolte. Marsans 2; home run. MoCabe: hits. of Nolte 6 in and one-third, off Ward 2 to 4 and two-thirds. of Hannifin in [ innings: sacrifice hits, Simmons. Pleiss, Waterman, Sherwood; stolen bases, Lachance 2, O'Rourke. Con- nell, Hayel; double plays, Sherwood to O'Rourke: McCabe to Bunyan: left on bases, New Britain [. New Ha- ven 3: bases on balls, of Nolte 2. of Hannifin 6, on Stoup 1; bases on errors. New Haven 2; struck ont, by Nolte 2. by Ward 2, by Hanniiin 3, by Stoup 3; passed balls. Rufiauge ?; time. 2h Ism; umpire, wilkin- son.
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1908-07-21

Two-base hits, Finn, Bridges; first base on balls, off Tuckey 1, off Car mody 3; struck out, by Tuckey z, by Carmody 1; left on bases, Waterbury 2, Meriden q; sacrifice hits, Wade, Barbour. Golden; stolen bases, Swan der, Soffel, Pastor, 2, Golden 2, Bridges; first base on errors, Water bury 1;~ hit by pitched ball, Pastor; time, 1:3O; umpires, Halligan and Maggert.
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1908-07-21
Connecticut League Standing.
NATIONAL LEAGUE.

M IID-FAII I4E4<fII T-' At Pittsburg-Pittsburg. 6; Brooklyn, 8. Batteries-Willis and Gibson; Mcintyre and Bergen.
 At Cinclnnati-Philadelp 4; Cincin- natl, 8 Q1 innings). Batteries-Corridon and Jacklitsch; Spade and Schlei. At Chicago-Chicago, 5; Boston, 2. Bat teries-Reulbach and Moran; Mccarthy Boultes and Smith
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1908-07-21
STANDING OF THE CLUES.

AMERICAN LEAGUE. At New York-St Louis, 8; New York, 8. Batteries-Waddell and Spencer; Ches- bro. Manning and Kleinow
 At Philadelphia - Detroit, 4; Philadel- phia, l. Batteries-Donovan and Thomas; Plank and Powers.
 At Boston-Boston, s; Chicago, l. Bat teries-Young and Criger; Altrock, Owen, Sullivan and Weaver.
 At Washington, 5; Cleve- land. 3. Batteries-Falkenberg and Street; Thielman and Remis.
 rrIrIS TrDS
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1908-07-21
Tri-State League.

At Lancaster-Williamsport G.. Lancaster 1.
 At Trenton-Johnstown 1. Trenton 0.
 At Wilmington-Altoona 5, Will mington 2.
 At Reading-Reading ', Harris burg 0.