The Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1903-1909, 1908-02-27
On Owninu a White Elephant.

Have you ever owned a snorting.
ripping, roaring hot-water heating
plant, all your very own? If you
haven't, knock on wood-you may
some day.
Have you Dragged about 1t until
your friends, seeing you coming, have
slipped quietly into a stairway to avoid
hearing man who understands the
physics of combustion and the science
of draughts, relate, at attenuated
length, the virtues of the aforesaid hot
water plant? II not, there Is still
hope!
And have you ever had In your en-
ploy plumber who doesn't plumb?
All, how happy you must be!
/ am not happy! How can man be
happy who through the wee small
hours of morning has ridden leaky
pipe a-straddle with his night shirt
buoyed up on both ends and his body
balanced on the left by large and
angry looking hammer and on the right
by tamping iron that won't lamp?
How can even humorist roar with
laughter when the greasy water Is
hitting him in the eye and running off
the tall of his night-shirt In wanton
abandon onto the plastering below?
How can he titillate his risibles when
his feet are freezing on the tile OF the
bathroom and the plug in the pipe is
burning hole In his left leg? How
can he cackle with glee as he hangs
onto the squirt while his wife falls
downstairs and opens the flood gates
to perditon and let's all their nice,
clean, soft water go to the demnition
bow-wows?
| say, how can man be filled with
effervescent mirth and conyulsed with
the froth of nonsense when he has to
sit up all night and nurse hot-water
plant that he can't even walk the floor
with, because it is too wet? How can
he shout with laughter when he mildly
calls the plumber over the telephone
eight times and can get no one but the
hired girl? If he wanted hired girl,
he couldn't find one in six months
How can he gurgle with joy and jig.
gle his "tummy" with internal cachin-
nations when his heart Is filled With
guile and a desire to introduce a bill
for the complete qualification of most
plumbers by hanging, and one plumber
in particular by the progressive meth
cd of tickling a mules heels with q
feather buster?
All, sweet was life before | owned
that hot-water plant! How melodi-
ously the birds sat upon little twigs
and sang gaily of their loves their
southern chalets and their angle.
wormsl How odorously the nectar OF
the field and wood waited across the
of the clover in bloom, honey In the
comb, ripe blackhaws on the bushes
and the scent Of new-mown hay How
gladly | went about my duties, CLEAN
ing from my thankful heart the costa
sizes of life and putting them on paper
at column rates! How glad and sweet
and livable life was-and then came
the dispoiler, the avenger, the tyrant.
the devil, the demon, the master.
mechanic of Infernol Down In the
basement of my home the bedaubed
and heinous villains set the snorting,
kissing, leaking, paving, starving, ca.
daverous offspring of Gehenna, filled
its yawning craw with hard-earned
coal, touched 1t off and escaped before
the fury within broke loose In all Its
demoniacal luridness and set upon me
the seal of nervous and haggard APP.
prehension
How 1t spurted and leaked and went
out! How it snorted and coughed anf
ripped, and calling me flying dow
three fights of stairs into the regions
of Tartarus, flashed in my face and
yowled for more coal! How 1t bel
lowed and clustered and boiled and
stampeded, growled, snarled, moaned
and groaned! How 1t sulked and
moped and sank down until 1t had to
be doctored with the dump and coaxed
with shavings, papers and rags--and
then, how it ripped once more until
my wife went out and sat on the gate
post and waited for the house to
blow up!
All, what nightmare! What
agony of Plutonian gloom
What an encompassing terror durin
the hours when God is supposed to be
giving his beloved sleep! No wonder
| write like this! Go out and buy
hot.water plant and ride 1t straddle
for a few nights! Then you will won
der how / can write at all
Small Talk.
The Japanese never kiss. Foolish