Free press., 1908-03-21
q STATUE OF
PENN
Whitaker Wanted a Few AItera-
tIonS Made


recently near our town; and a very
handsome marble statue of William
Penn was knocked down to Whitaker,
who keeps a lager beer garden
square or two above me. He had the
rtatue carted over to the marble yard,
,!here he sought an interview with Mr..
MiX, the owner. He told Mix that he
wanted that statue fixed up somehow
SOS 'twould represent one of them
heather gods" He had an idea that
Mix might chip the clothes off OF Will
liam and put Tyre or club in his
hand, SOS he might pass muster as
Apollo or Hercules
But Mix said that he thought the
difficulty would be in wrestling with
Williams hat.
1t was a marble hat, with a rim big
enough for race course; and Mix
said that although he didn't profess to
be much on heather mythology, as
general thing, still it struck him that
Hercules, in a broad-brimmed hat,
would attract attention by his singu-
larity, and might be open to criticism.
Mr.. Whitaker said that what he
really wanted with that statue when
he bought it was to turn it into Venus,
and he thought perhaps the hat might
be chiseled up into some kind Of a
halo around her head.
But Mix said that he didn't exactly
see how he could do that when the
rim was so curly at the sides. A halo
that was curly was just no halo at
all. But, anyway, how was he 60
ing to manage about Penn's waist
coat?
1t reached almost to his knees, and
to attempt to rush out a barelegged
Venus with halo on her head and
four cubic feet of waistcoat around
her middle, would just ruin his busi-
ness. 1t would make the whole hu-
man race smile.
Then Whitaker said Neptune was a
god he always liked, and, perhaps, Mix
could fix the tails Of Penn's coat some
how SO that it would look as if the fig
ure was riding on dolphin; then the
hat might be made to represent sea-
weed and a fish spear could be put
in the statues hands.
Mix, however, urged that a white
marble hat OF those dimensions, when
cut up into seaweed, would be more
apt to look as If Neptune was coming
home with load of hay upon his
head; and he said that although art
had made gigantic strides during the
past century, and, evidently, had a
brilliant future before it, 1t had not
yet discovered a method by which
shadbelly coat, with flaps to the
pockets, could be turned into any
thing that would look like a dolphin.
Then Mr.. Whitaker wanted to know
If Pan wasn't the god that had horns
and split hoofs, with shaggy look
to his legs; for if he was, he would
be willing to have the statue made
into Pan, If it could be done without
too much expense.
And Mr.. Mix said that while moth
ing would please him more than to
produce such a figure of Pan. and
while Williams square-toed shoes,
probably, might be made into cloven
hoofs without very strenuous effort,
still he hardly felt as if he could fix
up those knee-breeches to resemble
shaggy legs; and as for trying to turn
that half-acre hat into pair Of horns,
Mr.. Whitaker might as well talk OF
emptying the Atlantic ocean through
stomach pump.
ThereupOn Mr.. Whitaker remarked
that he had concluded, on the whole
that it would be better to split the
patriarch up the middle and take the
two halves to make a couple of little
Cupids, which he could hang in the
bar-room with string, so that they
could appear to be sporting in air
II Mr. MIX could put pair Of wings
on each OF them, why, SO much the
better; but If he couldn't, very we'll
Perhaps the flap OF that hat might be
sliced up into wings, and glued on the
shoulders of the Cupids
But Mr.. Mix said that while nobody
would put himself out more to oblige
friend than he would, still he must
say, if his honest opinion was asked
that to attempt to make a Cupid out
of Penn would be childish, because if
they used the half one way, there
would be very small Cupid with a
very long leg; and if they used it the
other way, he would have to cut
Cupid's head out of the calf of Viii
liam's leg. and there wasn't room
enough, let alone the fact that the
knee-joint would give the god Of love
the appearance of having a broken
back. AS for the wings, if the man
had been born who could chisel wings
out Of the flap of hat, all he wanted
was to meet that man, SOS he could
gaze on him and study him.
So, finally, Whitaker suggested that
Mix should make the statue into an
angel and sell IT for an ornament trs "a
tombstone.
But Mix said that if he should in.
suit the dead by putting up in the
cemetery an angel with stubby nose
and a double chin, that would let him
out as manufacturer of sepulchers.
And so Whitaker sold him the
statue for ten dollars. and Mix sawed
it up into slabs for marhle-top tables