davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08
LAUGHTER ANALYzED.
The Observations of a Man With .
Sensitive Ear.

mo Ooservations OF q man WIN q
Sensitive Ear.
"Of course you have heard" said the
man with n sensitive ear, "a laugh
that Jared. | don't mean," he contln-
ued, $50 much n laugh at an inoppor-
tune tlme-I imagine we have oil heard
such laughs-as Il laugh the quality of
which Is unpleasant. There Is some
thing contagious In laughter Of the
right kind, even though you may be
the object of 1t. 1t bubbles from the
well OF good humer. There Is no hid
den thought or 'arriere pensee,' as the
French say, behind 1t. 1t Is the es-
sence of frankness; 1t Is spontaneous
and whole souled, and 1t cleanses the
system Of the laughter and, too, of the
hearer like a spiritual bath.
"But there are other kinds Of laugh
ter. The sneerlng laugh is perhaps the
most familiar. Then there Is quiet
laugh, n slbilant, secretlve sort Of laugh
that Is quite as certain to mean mis-
chief. Another laugh, disagreeable In
its nature, Is the high pitched, nervous
exclamation that comes either from en-
barrassment or Is mere vocal habit.
The worst laugh Of all, however, to
my mind, Is that mirthless sound pro-
voked by the distress or embarrass-
ment Of others. and 1t rasps naturally
most Of all the object calling 1t forth.
A person laughed at and hurt never
forgets the experience. New York
Press
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08
Corks and Common Sense.

wise WOMAN sat watching her
daughters efforts to remove n cork
mot glass stopper) from bottle
Seeing that the cork was about to
break, she quietly took the matter into
her own hands and, with gentle
touch or two. soon had the bottle
ready for use.
you did not know the law of corks,"
she said, smiling at the girls ustonlsh-
ment. DO you now realize that when
a cork is put into bottle the fingers
twist In the same direction ms screw
Is turned and at the same time push IT
home? This causes the fibers of the
part of the cork In the bottle neck to
twist and contract and squeeze them
selves spirally into a smaller space
When the cork must come out, to turn
II In the opposite direction untwists
and expands 1t and makes 1t hard to
move II you would be successful,
just turn the cork In exactly the same
direction as you did at first. This
contracts 1t still farther, and 1t Is then
an easy matter to lift 1t out. II the
cork should be held by any sticky mix
ture, 1t can easily be loosened by
plunging the bottle head 6rst In hot
water This melts the gluellke sub
stance, and little gentle lingering
will set the cork free, to be turned as
described"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08
SEA AND LAND.
The Way They Meet and Clash and
Finally Harmonize.


In The WONDERFUL Adventures of
Mis-" translated from the Swedish of
Selma I.agerlof by Nelma Swanston
Howard, is the following pretty de.
scription of how sca and land meet
Va, so,, ,ha+ s.,, a,a ,,,,a 49,, -.
>. INV
de- tha ,a,,a - -, -. -
a.. -, ,,.,,,, a.. 80,
az, 80, - ~, -, -, - 80
-, 80 VIZ" ~ ''s
a,.r,, ~ - - W ,i,oanus ~
a,,,u.,., - 80, -.
-, =. a., nv. ~.
s .',.,,,,,,.'., ~. T.. Wv fpo.e'. my
H., ~, a., 80 - -, ~,
co., :. ,,,.,,, ,s,i, - I'm, -, - .
~ 90 t,,a,,,.,, a., -, -, sast,',.sa
-, wi ~ -, 49,,
~. - -, a -
,'., -, ',,', ~. - -, -, -.
- 49,, -. :, =. -, So -.
~. ~, v ,N'''
D.. ~ u.,.,., :, ,,n,..,
49,. =. -, ., -, So. M.
a. -, - - -. -. -
..s, - -, -. " - ~ 49, =,
- - -. g. -, -.
-, :,
- :. -. 80 -. -. -.
,,a,,,,,,,as,, 49,, ,,a,..,,,
,r,,,,s,. -. a., Ia c...... a..
-, r.. ~, =. "a, - ~, -
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08
Easily identified,

II was the first time Judkins had
been away from home since he was
married, and naturally he was anxious
TO know how lovey dovey stood the
strain of his absence, 50 he made her
promise before leaving to telegraph
every day.
Mrs. Judkins wasn't used to sending
kilograms. TO her writing a dispatch
was about as impressive and formal
as making Will. She was much fius-
tratcd when she went into the Office
and called for blank. However she
got through 1t some way and paid the
fee.
IL Is the custom In hotels as soon as
Il telegram arrives to send the porter
through the Office and restaurant and
barber shop calling the name Of the
person TO whom II IL sent. LOungers
round the Office, diners and others were
much amused TO hear the strong voiced
youth proceeding from room to room
calling. "Telegram for Dear Bob!'
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08
THE EDUCATED MAN.
Not All Of His knowledge Comes From
Books and Schools.

Not All OF His knowledge Comes From
Books and Schools.
The most important part of educa-
ton comes from intercourse with peo-
pie. From this side comes the educa-
ton in love and duty and service. The
actions OF people stimulate imitation
and emulation. BY these men grow
In power and skill. From observation
Of the character of people men form
ideals of character for themselves and
are transformed thereby. Herein lies
the consummate educative power In
Christianity-the transforming power
Of the divine man.
According to this new idea, educa-
ton Is not merely receiving, but CIV
Ing not learning alone, but doing. The
educated man Is open eyed and open
minded, quick 10 respond to influ-
ences from without, learning from oil
his experiences and growing In power
as he grows in knowledge. Charles
Kingsley said of his father that che
possessed every faculty but the facul-
ty of using his faculties" He was
not an educated man, although he was
a very learned one
Education Is an individual matter.
No two men can be educated alike In
manner or degree. They respond to
different Influences and grow In differ.
emit ways. One becomes educated by
way Of schools and colleges and life,
another by life alone. The measure of
mans education is the measure OF
his use In the world.-George w. Mar
tin In Boston Globe.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08
HER NEWSPAPER DAD.
He Isn't Always Cross; Sometimes He
Is Positively Jubian

Newspaper daddies are funny,
think Mines one He's funniest at
breakfast. only it isn't breakfast,
cause its lunch, and that's another
funny thing about it.
where's 'smornius paper?' he asks
mamma the first thing when he comes
downstairs And then when she looks
kort of childishly at him cause he's d
little gruff he hurries up and says
Good morning, everybody" just as
though he felt kinda 'shamed of HIM
self.
And then lie won't talk when he gets
his old paper He just sticks his nose
into ii and looks ut one page after an
other just as fast as he can, and then
he begins all over again and does 1t
slower and keeps still for quite awhile
Then mamma and | wait for an ex-
plosion.
"Ijits!' he says. "They couldn't spell
eat right"
Then he goes chasing from one page
to another as fast rs ever he can, talk
Ing to himself, and when he's got real
ihaNt AT 1T Aty
buried it, See. They buried 1t back
there-way back there of course, and
It's the best story In the paper!'
Then mamma says. quiet, like calm
after storm, Come, dear, your cot
fee II get cold
But he's more like a bear than a
dear, and he doesn't come, but he
keeps on growing at the old paper |
guess he finally gets tired of himself,
too, and then he jumps up. throws the
paper on the chair and tries to dodge
mammals funny smile.
Mammals awfully patient. think,
and she never gets mad. but just smiles
and smiles at daddy when he gets cross
at things. Sometimes she asks him
why he wants TO keep on being news
paper man II It's so awful. One time
he answered and said 1t was because
IL he kept on working sixteen hours a
day maybe the Office would some time
give him as much as the stereotyper
gets for working eight hours day.
Mamma said that was sarcasm. guess
he thinks sarcasm must be good thing
for the Office, cause he most always
talks that way about II.
But newspaper daddles aren't always
cross. Sometimes mine hurries down
stairs whole lot earlier, and then
when he grabs the paper he smiles all
over and shouts at mamma:
See that story? That's a clean SCOOP
and bully onel That's worth living
for! And, say, won't the fellows on
the old Bngle feel sore. though!
Il tell you.' he says then. "one day
like that Is worth bicycle Of Cathay,"
whatever that Is.
And then mamma looks ut me and
smiles, cause we both think he's fun.
ny sometimes.-Des Moines Qa.) Reg
istpr
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08
Great Expectations,

When spring comes gayly down the pike
With blossoms in her hair
And with Il smile much like the ones
Flirtatious ladies wear,
The man who has been closely housed
In dull, combining toll
Longs for patch Of ground where he
May wresile with the soil
He wants TO have n bed OF peas
And exc lettuce patch.
lie wants to got flock OF fowls
And set some eggs to hatch,
He wants to peel his coat and vest
And do things with the hoe
To show his wide eyed city friends
How he can make things grow.
The blood is stirring In his veins
Like sap In lordly trees.
For him no more n wasted life
OF soft and useless case.
lie hears the call of Mother Earth.
n call to earnest deeds,
And so he sends for catalogues
OF flower and garden seeds.
1t doesn't hurt him very much,
Or any, as a rule.
The fever lasts day or two,
And then his blood gets cool.
But while he's underneath the spell.
Perhaps n day or so.
He rather takes the thing to heart
And really thinks he'll go.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08
Test For HydrochIoric Acid.

A curious mishap gave us a very del
icate test for hydrochloric acid In the
atmosphere. In a north of England
locality many houses have curtains Of
the cream color produced by metann
yellow, popularity known as dolly"
cream dye and to science as "the So
dunn salt Of metaamldo- benzlne sui
phonlc zo-dlpbenyl-amine." Some
Of these cream colored curtains sud
denly changed 10 heliotrope. Investi-
CATION showed that an accidental es-
cape OF hydrochloric acid from Il neigh
boring alkali plant had diseolored the
curtains, and the dye became most
useful test
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08
A Great Lawyers Method.

Writing of "Civilian Leaders of the
Confederacy" In the Louisville Courier
Journal John Goode says of Judah T..
Benjamin:
cussed the practice of law, and In the
course of the conversation he asked me
what we considered good fee In my
part of the country, to which replied
that we considered $500 n very respect
able fee. He smiled and said; "When
| practiced law in New Orleans If 4
man employed me | charged him re-
tainer If he came about the Office
much charged him n reminder, when
had done some work In the case
charged him a refresher. and when 1t
was all over charged him flnlsher."
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08
ONE TOUCH OF NATURE.
A Display Of Courtesy an Memory Of
Old Virginia.

A Display of Courtesy an Memory OF
Old Virginia"
All the seats were taken in the car
which ] entered one morning In early
April. An old colored man sat next the
door. 1t Is not often in these days that
| see that type of black man. used to
see that kind on the old Virginia plan
tatlon. where he was "Ung Lige' OF
"Ung Samho" to all the household
His days were devoted to useful tot
and his evenings to his banjo and thu
old plantation melodies that no ont
can ever sing again rs unsteady as
they were sung then.
"Take this seat, mistis," he sald ris
Ing promptly. "AIists" sounded very
"homey" and pleasant to me. 1t had
been so long since | was insists to
anybody.
"Thank you. uncle" said l. "Keer
your seat. would just as lief stand. -
"Scuse me, please. mlstis, but faint
fifteen fer you Ter stan; you mus set
he admonished respectfully.
took the seat, thanking him for his
courtesy Soon "A departing passenger
left vacancy.
There is a seal for YOU" | said 10
the old man.
Between the ladies, ma 'amY He
hesitated
ayes" said
He bowed alphabetically to right and
left and took the vacant place. Just
before leaving the car l slipped n sill
YER piece into his hand, saying, I'm
Gle, get you nice luncheon with this
In memory Of old Virginia"
THANK you, my mistls," he said
opening his hand 10 look at the little
gift and then closing II. | left the ear
with SUMMER feeling In my heart be-
cause of the chance meeting, but with
no thought that | should ever again
hear Of my old VIrglnan.
That afternoon | received bunch of
arbutus which had been left for me by
IN old colorcd man-"fer the tall lady
with long blue coat an white hair 90
In memory of ole Virginia an dem old
time days. "-Llppincotts Magazine.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08

There are not few men who fancy
that because they are persons Of
wealth and consequence In commu-
nifty they are exempt from the duties
and liabilities Of the ordinary citizen.
A man Of this sort was drawn to serve
upon jury and did not appear when
his name was called In court The
court ordered that he be fined 70.
About half IN hour afterward the
answer tardily to his name.
you have been fined fJ for non
attendance" said the judge.
But had very important bust
ness engagement" said the man.
did you suppose that an engage
ment would excuse you for not an
swerlng the summons OF the court?"
asked the Judge, rather angrlly.
The juror who was a pompous man
With an important mir, began TO grow
Indignant at being so addressed.
II would have your honor under
stand" he exclaimed, that am one
of the most prominent business men
In this community"
"Ob. In that case" said the Judge
quietly. you VIII be able to stand a
larger fine. Mr.. Clerk. you Will In
crease this gentleman's fine for non.
attendance TO f10", Parsons Weekly.
No music sounds so sweet as your
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08

hayei"
"Wavy yellow, with little curls
around her face. She was really beau
tiful." Catherine admitted grudgingly.
Did she have on a gray tailor made.
with a hat trimmed with yiolets and
black gauntlet gloves?" questioned the
older woman rapidly.
Yes" Catherine nodded, but
'Oh, goosie, goosie." said Aunt Kitty.
1T was his sister. She's married, and
she was stopping at the Annex, and l
called on her that morning just as she
was going out to meet him.
But" began Catherine. "why didn't
he tell me?"
did you ever give him a chance to
explaln?' asked Aunt Kitty. COR did
you just send him away?"
Il refused to tell him what was the
matter" admitted her niece.
well. now it's all right and you can
live happy ever after"
ut can never be right now" said
Catherine miserably. and she told of
their meeting that morning.
Aunt Kitty listened and debated, ana
finally she said. Suppose we go to
Mardeli's for lunch?"
Catherine stood up. "Oh, do you real
ly think we would find himf" she qua
vered.
WELL said wise Aunt Kitty, 81
think we might. He may not be eating
much, but habit will make him."
And when they came to the sixth
floor Of the big store they saw ut the
table at the far end of the grill room
a young man who stared blankly out
of the window. where the March winds
whlstled and sang over the roofs.
Hes there. Aunt Kitty" said Cath
crime breathlessly.
"Then l will leave you," said Aunt
Kitty. For once I'll chaperon you In
spirit"
The young man at the far table had
eaten nothing, but rs he drank his
third cup of coffee there came to the
table Vision as radiant as the morn
Ing, and the vision said. MAY I have
lunch with you?
"Catherine!" he whispered rs one In
dream
And please order things that will be
nice for anniversaries" the vision went
on.
For anniversaries" He had pulled
out her chair and helped her with her
wraps, doing the things that must be
done because of curious eyes. but still
In dream.
Because-when we are-married-I
think 1t would be-niee-to come here.
don't your stammercd the tlmld voice,
and now the vision was rosy with
bushes.
And after that the March winds
howled and tore over the roofs unheed-
cd by the two happy people who had
that morning been buffeted by its cruel
blasts
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08
Eish, Pen and Ink.

"One year l found a lot Of cuttlefsh
that ran into the SURF" said worker
Oh one of the California beaches. II
was riding along the beach, and l got
u pole and rode into them and killed
about twenty, | guess. Some were
eight or ten feet long l hauled them
up and showed them for four or five
days In my whale tent; then I sold
them TO the fishermen, who sailed
them down for bait, taking out the
bills, eyes and pens, which l sold as
curios. Each cutie, besides sac of
indeible ink, had a pen foot long, u
beautiful object, as delicate and fragile
as feather pen. The eyes when
hardened looked like pearls, and they
are mounted as pins. The bills are
chestnut color and look like a parrots
bill"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08
An Episode In Court.

"You are charged with snatchlng n
womans pockctbook."
such thing, hungry and broke as !
am"
"Too conscientious, suppose"
mo. don't pretend that. But why
should ! snatch woman's pocket
book? What would want with n cou-
pie of car tickets, q powder rag, q
piece of chewing gum and dressmak.
er's address,"
Once more n shrewd criminal over
shot his mark. His familiarity with
the contents convicted him.-Washing
ton Star,
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08
Qrinin Of the Postal Card.

In 1863, while Professor Emanuel
Hermann of Vienna was seeking 4
vast amount Of information by CORE
spondence for his notable book, "The
Guide to the Study of National Econ
omy," the thought occurred to him
that many advantages would result
from the adoption of Il means of cor
respondence cheaper than the sealed let
ter. On Jan. 20 he went before tho
Austrian post director with his idea,
an open, stamped card, and his sugges-
ton was almost Immediately adopted.
Within month the Austrian postal
authorities printed and sold 100000
postal cards and thus established this
indispensable means Of communication.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08
BE as pleasant In your own home as
yOu are In your Dcighbors'.
An Unconscious Toast.

Lord Clyde one day after dinner ask
ed chaplain to one of the regiments
In India for toast. who, after con-
siderlDg some time, at length exclaim-
ed, with great simplicity:
ALAS and alack a day. What can
giveT'
Nothing better" replied his lordship.
Come. gentlemen; wen give bumper
to the parsons toast. a lass and lac
day"
A lac means 100000 rupees, or $685.
600, which Is certainly an income to
make one happy-London Chronicle,
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08
A Distinction Without a Difference.

Five-year-old Deborah had been in
ylted to take luncheon at II restaurant
with Miss X.
do you like cocoaT she was asked.
When the answer was "Yes," the
manned untasted.
At last Miss X. said, "Why don't you
drink your Cocoon, Deborah, when you
said you wanted itf'
~ didn't say ! wanted It," replied
the child politely. II only said that /
liked it."-Woman's Home Companion.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08
Mo Use For Il.

Uncle Zebulon was on n visit to his
nephew In the big city, and the two
had gone to restaurant for dinner.
They had given their order and were
waiting for 1t to be filed when the
younger man, who had been glancing
at paper that lay on the table, said:
by the way, uncle, did you ever
have cerebro-splnal meningitis"
NO" replied Uncle Zebulon after
few moments mental struggle with the
question, land l don't want any. I'd
ruther have fried liver and bacon any
day"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08
Naturally.

Towne-Sleep well?
Stubbs-I.ike a top-never lose a
wink
Great Scott! What do you takeT
IAN alarm clock TO my room and
then set the alarm for half an hour
after | go TO bed. AS soon as 1t rings
| naturally roll over and go to sleepr-
Pick .Me.Up
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08
Why He Was Suspicious.

"There is something suspicious about
that" remarked the young man named
Brown as he hing up the telephone re-
ceiver.
about what?"
"Why, Just called up the home of a
girl who has led me to believe that
am the warm favorlte and that there
are no others on her list. She wasn't
at home, so the party who answered
the ring said, but 1t gave me jar
when she added, Shall tell her you
called, Mr.. WbiteY New York Press.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08

II may be rather hard on your feel
ings to be held up as horrible exam
pie, but 1t is nothing to the strain of
having TO live up to the reputation of
being n shining example.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08
An Opportunity.

"uard times In Europe, hear"
.'There will probably be a rush Of
Americans over there then"
For the sake of the hard timesi"
"Well, because Of them"
Explain"
Bargains in dukes and princellngs"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08
Helpina Him Out.

Borrows-T say, old man, | wish you
would help me out today.
Busymon-Haven' time TO do it my
self, but III call the porter. John,
open the door and help the gentleman
out-Chicago News.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08
STRANGE Ionaues.

Gle has II remarkable aptitude for
modern languages
"Indced"
"Yes: he learned to talk automobile
and golf both In one season"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08

"Bllggins thinks he knows more than
anybody else on earth"
"You state 1t mildly" answered Miss
Cayenne. "Since the assertion that
Mars Is Inhabited he goes further than
that Washington Star.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08

Any man is easily flattered when you
discover the brand OF dope that fits his
ease.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08

<'What are you readlng2"
"A story for farmers"
"Oh. n cereal story"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08
When He Skips.
will ever learn
do YOU think lnl

"Do You think man will ever learn
TO hyT
write him n note saying All is dis
covered aud see"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08

Marriage Is a
great developer
of a taste for
the plain, ordl-
nary things OF
life and of the
| II eX p Z II lv Q
manner of liv-
ing.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08

A man must either sink or swim.
So says an old report,
tfn,ns3 he has an airship
Or something of that sort.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08

The more mad
ly in love a
man Is In his
youth the more
completely he
forgets ii In his
prime.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08

A thing that Is too self evident often
decelyes people into thinking that 1t Is
extremely difficult and complex.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08

When women take to staying out all
night maybe men will have to stay In
for safety.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08

Women who support their husbands
are undoubtedly fond of animals.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08
Humor Gao Philosophy
BY DUNCAN NJ. SMITH
PERT PARAGRAPHS.

Doctors always agree upon two
things -eonsultatlon fees and the I'M
mediate need they have for the money
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08
Here is Relief for Women

Here Is Relief for Women.
II you have pains in the back, Urinary
Bladder or Kidney trouble, and want a GER
tain, pleasant herb cure for woman's ills, try
Mother Gray's Australian Leaf. 1t is safe
and never failing regulator At Druggists or
by mail so cts. Sample package FREE Ad-
dress, The Mother Gray Co., LeEoy, N. Y
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1908-04-08

Ask for the Best Bread--MAc-
KAy's.