The News-Herald. [volume] (Hillsboro, Highland Co., Ohio) 1886-1973, 1908-05-14
Hicks
EOpen1ent
BY Porter Emerson Browne
copyrIghll

than his, for, while there are prob
ably very many people who are much
like you, there is but one Hicks.
From the time when ideas first be-
gan to coaguIate in the cavity that ma
ture had intended for bis brain (but
which she had grown to abhor), he
was always mounted on some ridic-
ulous hobby or other and he could
change 'em like a pony express rider
He'd rave over elopements and
affairs of honor. Then he decided
that at last his chance had come and
he bought him a long, low, rakish-
looking car with a French name that
he couldn't pronounce to save his life.
II was painted drab and had more
power than a Kentucky stock farm.
There came with the car small, bull
let-headed mecanicien named Anatole.
Anatole taught Hicks for about six
months and then Hicks thought that
he could run the car himself He
tried.
When he and Anatole got out Of the
hospital he tried again, slower. And
after awhile he became really expert.
He could run over more dogs and
chickens than anyone ever saw and
he averaged three arrests week dur
ing all of last summer.
In spite OF his many shortcomings,
Hicks was not unpopular. So, when a
crowd of us went down to the Lis
penards' North Shore place for the
first fortnight in September, we were
not surprised to find Hicks there with
his car and Anatole.
We had been there but a few days
when there arrived niece Of Mrs.
Lispenard. Her name was Hortense
Stuyvesant-West and she was certain
ly good to look upon.
AS for Hicks, the moment he got
his spectacles on her, II was all up
with him. He forgot whether he was
Hicks of Hackensack or Garry of
Gowanus, and furthermore, he didn't
seem to care. You never in all your
life saw such a change in a man. In
an instant he had fallen Off his pedes-
tai with bump and had become just
mere human being and even less.
1t was positively pitiful to see him,
the very essence Of concentrated
alteration, squirting at her humbly,
meekly, dazedly, through his thick
windows, like man gazing at the sun.
He was so pitiful that we all felt
sorry for him and began to try to
cheer him up, and get him interested,
even IL we had to ring in the anachron-
istic actions and adventures OF Fritz
| of Fahrenheit to do 1t.
Still, we didn't devote any too much
of our time to Hicks, for the rest of
us weren't much better off.
No man was willing to be away
from her any more than he could pos
sibly help, and the consequence was
that she was always surrounded three
deep by a circle of adoring Swains de.
voted to the point OF manslaughter,
The situation was what might be
termed tense.
And then. suddenly, Hicks bright.
ened up most amazingly and became
his old, jaunty. debonair, devilish self
again.
A few days later when Hortense's
father was looking for her she could
not be located. Then 1t was dis
covered Hicks was also missing.
An inquiry was instituted and al
length one of the grooms was found
who said that only few moments be
fore he had seen Hortense and Hicks
buzzing along the back road to the
crossing In Hicks unpronounceable
racer; and almost at the same time
old Miss Baxter came In and an
nounced that Hicks had told her that
there would be an elopement at ne
distant date and opined that this
was 1t.
We all gasped. Then we all looked
at each other in speechless amaze
ment. Then, as soon as we could ge
enough wind with which to do 1t, We
all gasped again.
So this was the answerI So thii
was what accounted for the change IL
Hicksl So this was why he hat
ascended from the cellar of despon
dency to the roof garden OF joyl 81
this But Hortense! How could sh'
have done 1t! How could she have
chosen Hicks when she had Mont!
Fiske and myself and all the others Il
select from How could she hav,
nailed the BOBBY prize when she nigh
have taken any Of the othersl How
or, how -.
But Stuyvesant-West at last ha,
awakened from the condition of coma
tose bewilderment that enveloped u
all. He hoped up right into the ali
and when he lit he ordered everyon
to do something; and then not to d
1t; and then to do 1t or not, just a
he wanted them to do or didn't wan
them to do. He demanded that W
all start in pursuit and ordered ou
all kinds Of vehicles from balloons I
submarines.
Somebody said that there was
minister at the Crossing and that the
had probably gone there. So Anatol
was dragged away from the door G
the wine cellar and told to bring ou
the Daim-Vite car and get ua over I