The Washington herald., 1908-02-16
MARIA'S MIDNIGHT LECTURES
LECTURE NO. 27.

ing. And after that we'll get TO a
brown country, Peru-won't that be in
teresting? ! tell you Job. If this voyage
does nothing but show US what a lot Of
beautiful colors geography is, everybody
ought to be satisfied
There's another thing. Job, that justi
fies. to my mind, the sailing Of the feet
and that is what they're doing in San
Francisco. / see that they haven't
got all the ruins of the late fire out
Of the way and so, at last. there comes
real use for all those free seeds the
Congressman have been sending out.
They're going to SOW the ruins with all
the seeds that Congress sends out SO
that when the fleet gets there the town
will look beautiful. On the site Of the
Palace Hotel they're going to plant
iorget-me-nots, and in the place where
once was Chinatown they're going 10
plant pOppies and on Market street.
they're going to put in vegetable seeds,
and dogwoOd will blossom where once
the Poodle Dog held forth-beautifuI-
ly poetic. / call it. Job. You may not
see it. because you have no poetry in
your soul.
Isn't it awful. Job, that they should
put those women in London ia jail lust
because they have tried to get a chance
TO vote? I'd like TO see them do II in
free America! Why, this is the freest
country on earth; see that judge out
West has decided that it is not the duty
OF pedestrians 10 dodge automobiles.
I'll bet they have them jumping in Lon
don and Paris As for me. after this.
when / hear an auto horn I'm just go
ing 10 stand still and if they run oyer
me it's up to you to collect the darn
ages Job.
But before get away from politics.
JOB, what do you think OF these Taft
buttons they're giving out in Chicago?
II they'd make them buttons that a
body could use there might be some
sense in them. but I can't see that any
wOman's going 10 be tiekled 10 death
because her husband comes home with
picture Of q fat man in his buttonhole.
She'll think it's a reflection on the way
she feeds him. II it was a Fairbanks
button now, she might feel compli-
mented. Shed say: Well, at anv rate
can feed my husband SOS he'll be
fatter than that"
Have you read about Eddie Foy's
svoice being insured, Job? When we
heard him the other night. / thought
something ought TO have been done to
it. / expect, if the truth were known.
that he had To- insure il against drown
ing; it was so wet all the time. never
saw man on the stage who could spit
on so many people all at once; ] tell
you he's a great actor, Job, and now
they're talking Of running him for
Hamlet 1 should think insurance was
necessary.
There's one thing never can agree
TO- though, and that is this proposition
to tax cats in Washington. Why. if
they do that all the cats will be excom-
municated-I mean. exterminated, and
you know, Job. that without cas- We
poor people would hardly get on at all.
It's all right for Mrs. Rockefeller and
the rest TO go clad In ermine, but peo-
pie with our incomes have 10 get our
ermine from the cats. a good, fluffy
pussy, properly dyed, looks Just as good
as these thousand dollar things-if you
dent look too closely. Anyway, there
amt but few people can tell the diff
ference.
Did you read about the tailors con-
vention, and what they did? They're
going TO make coats with seams. and
trousers without pockets. I'm mighty
glad Of the latter clause That means
that manU have to leave his money
at home in charge Of his long-suffering
wife; not that you'll have much to
leave, Job-I never found anything
much in your pockets. Say, dear, who
is this man Morse that everybody's
going to get after tomorrow with war
rants? II isn't the dramatic editor Of
the Washington Post. is it? He's too
nice man for anybody TO arrest. and
he does write the incest criticisms, [
don see how anybody could arrest him.
JOB. I wish you'd pay attention to
what I'm asking you! What has be-
come OF Mr. Lawson? First OF all he
advertised that there would be a panic
unless people followed his advice. and
when they didn't follow it. and a panic
came anyhow, he seems TO have disap-
peared. And say. Job. don't you ever
tell me any more funny stories I see
where a lady in Kansas dislocated her
jaw laughing at one Of her husbands
stories. Just think, dear, If / was TO
dislocate mine, and wasn't able to go
over the news Of the week with you.
And Job. did you see about that
woman that sold her baby carriage SOS
she could get enough money to buy a
theater ticket! Wasn't that dreadful?
But after all, I would like TO go and
see a show next week, and little Ha-
ley's carriage is up there in the loft not
doing anybody any good.
What's that Job2 Now. I've always
opposed your going to sleep when I'm
talking to YOU, but think that tonight
you'd better go to sleep. You needn't
pull out one Of them cigarettes, cause
you're not going to smoke it in here
No. sir! II you want TO smoke you Just
get your things on and get out and take
a walk around the block. That's what all
good husbands have to do. Oh. going to
sleep. are you? Well. thank heaven.
I've trained you in one thing, anyhow
PFNATTY 0F pR0CP AcTTNATTON