davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-05

have enough to engage your mind in
wondering II you'd better buy your win
ter coal now instead of waiting for the
rise, and so you keep your face closed.
Does that Tease the Near Knocker? Not
appreciably; not so that you could per.
ceive 1t.
'She sure did deserve a better fate
than to get for husband such a piece
OF cheese as she annexed for herself,
that's what" goes on the Near Knocker.
Now. you remember having seen Mister
Near Knocker and the man to whom he
now adverts as crumb Of RoQuefort-
you remember having seen 'em strolling
down the avenue only the other evening,
and you wonder how the dickens the
Near Knocker can have the bronze to
stand there in front of you and call the
man names. Rejecting upon this, you
keep still some more.
Hes one of those bugs" goes on the
Near knocker. that thinks he knows
how to play poker and they trim him
for his pay just as regularly as the first
and the fifteenth roll around, and you
can see that his poor little wife's shoes
are on the ground, and-oh. WELL it's none
Of my affair, OF course, but I remember
that little girl when she used to go to
the Force School. way back yonder, and
it sure Is shame, hey?'
No, you don't ask Mister Near Knocker
how he knows that this fellow gets
frisked of his pay every first and If
teenth, because you don't feel as II your
asking that would help matters any, and,
moreover. you are pretty keen TO have
the matter drop right where it is, SO that
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-05

cency he isn't to be compared with Mis-
ter Hammersmith. who comes right out
into the open with his sledge and does
his hammering out loud The Near
Knocker hasn't the nerve Of a couch in
sect. He's a he-gossip. that's all. and
when you say that about a man you're
javelining something into him that
would hurt if it were not for the fact
that the Near Knocker has the epidermis
of Kongoese rhinoceros
The Near Knocker is the jackal of the
rat-tat-tat game. He does the slinky
coyote stuff
He'll get it in this way, for example:
''Say, die notice Gtbye just now? Looks
kind DWELL say. the old slob isn't hit
ting the old juice again, is hep
Now, you don't know whether Gitbye is
hitting the old juice again or not If he's
hitting it again you haven't noticed it.
He looked all right to you as he passed
by. Anyhow, you have sort of latent
feeling that Gitbye's adventurings in the
domain of rummiferousness are distinctly
his own and his wife's business, and you
are pretty willing to let Gitbye and the
spouse and the rum thing fight it out be-
tween 'em.
So you tell Mister Near knocker that
Gitbye looked all right to you, and that,
anyhow. it looks as if we're going to have
an early fall. and stuff like that.
ooh. well,'' cuts in the Near knocker,
81 didn't say, just like that, that Gitbye
looks rummy, but Of course Teller can't
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-05

Among the LOO lepers on Molokai at
the time which is here adverted to, only
seven OF them were white men, the rest
being Kanakas. The seven ere sailor
men, six of them from the West Indies
and one Englishman. The Englishman
was the unhappiest Of the lot. and it was
learned later that he had committed sui
eide.
AS a matter Of fact, it is quite the usual
thing for white persons, when they find
that they are AFFLICTED with leprosy, to
take their own lives.
A number Of years ago, for instance, a
man very prominent in the social and po-
litical life Of Honolulu, one Of the lead
ing lawyers Of Hawaii. discovered that he
was leper. He promptly shot himself.
A little while before that the cable
operator who reported the ships and
steamers at Diamond Head. Honolulu's
famous promontory. made the discovery
that he was afflicted with something that
closely resembled leprosy. He called upon
medical friend to find out if MS own
diagnosis was correct, and, SCREAMING
that 1t was. he, too, took his own life
by the pistol method.
About fifteen years ago medical man
OF Honolulu, who was attached to the
Hawaiian board Of health, under which
the leper island of Molokai IL managed.
found that he was in the first stages OF
leprosy.
Now, the law Of Hawaii is that the
leper no matter who he may be. nor how
notable his station. must be sent to the
leper island of Molokai. there to remain
for the term Of his life.
But an exception was made in the case
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-05

wallop, has started something in your
mind. whether you wanted to entertain
that something or not. so that henceforth
every time you meet up with the all
dressed-up Billy Stickalong. why. it'll
shoot into your mind that somebody or
other, you don't remember who, told you
that Billy didn't pay his tailor bills, and
thus the Near Knocker does just as much
deadly work as the Out-and-out walop.
"Heh, heb, heh,' cackles the Near
Knocker when somebody else known to
both of you swings by. there goes his
nobs, Freddie Giddap. Poor old zap. you
wouldn't think by the way he holds his
shoulders back and his head up that
oh, well, there's no use saying anything
about it. but gee whiz! l guess he could
write book about these curbstone brok-
ers-about how to borrow $50 and get
$19.S5 in cash and then pay back $97. 60
six weeks from date
Now, it's nothing to you that Freddie
Giddap is in the hands of the curbstoners
If he really is. except that you're sorry If
such really Is the case. You've never
heard of 1t BEFORE and you have a dor
mant sensation that it's none of your
doggoned business, anyhow; but for all
the future time, when you clap eye on
Freddie Giddap, why. you'll have that Idea
uppermost in your mind that you've
heard somehow or another-yo'' can't
Just remember how-that Freddie's all
balled up with the loan sharks, and it's
something that you'd a heap rather not
have known. seeing that you've got
feeling that you know too Internally
much already about lot Of things.
Trouble with the Near Knocker is that
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-05

you can vamp from the Near Knockers
neighborhood But he has no idea Of let
ting you off SO easily. New folks are pass
ing by that given point all the time, and
he has a whole lot of near raps in his
midriff that he thoroughly intends to
work of on you.
There goes Jim Hyroll.'' he says.
"Dje hear that Jim's claiming that he
makes sixty week at his new job?
Great Jim. amt hep"
Well, he's a pretty fair kind of Jim,
at that, in your estimation, and. If you
haven't heard that he's claiming to make
sixty a week at his new job, why, your re
glad it's SO, and you say that you're
glad.
"Oh, well, maybe he does pull down
that much, at that" says the Near
Knocker, with a silly sort of skeptical
grin, "but-well, you know old Jim's
style Of drawing the long bow, don't
your
You don't know anything of the kind
about Jim, and, kind O het up. you're
about to say so, when the Near Knocker
sees somebody else nudging by that he's
got a near rap saved up for.
Huh" he grunts, there goes Billy
Stickalong, all logged out like Rockefel-
ler's ram. Pulls a new suit O. clothes on
the gang bout once a week nowadays.
I'm not saying that his tailor could tell a
sad story butch, we'll" and the barb
has stuck.
You don't know whether Billy's tailor
could tell a sad story or any kind of a
story and you don't care a hang. But
the Near Knocker, by that underhand
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-05

stay buried" was Mr.. Jenkins motto.
and he lived up to 1t every minute of
the time. At the end of the session the
chairman received the thanks of the
House machine and swift kick in the
pants from his ungrateful constituency.
Mr.. Jenkins got in bad, too. in his
handling of the woman suffrage and pro-
hibition questions before his committee.
Those legislators who have grown gray
in the service. always approach this suf-
fragette or suffragist movement with deep
gravity. TO hear 'em talk to its advocates.
you'd think they favored giving vote to
female children at the age of five. They
laugh and sheer about it, but when they
do, they're alone in ten-acre lot with six
bulldogs and spring gun on guard.
Mr.. Jenkins made the mistake OF laugh
ing openly. He would listen in bored
way to a slender suffragette of sixty. who
had never heard the wedding chimes. and
after she had loaded him UP with argu-
ments and conversation and stood off to
note the effect. he would lean back in his
chair and let out a whoop of ribald and
scornful merriment and the suffragette
would hike for the high grass-said high
grass being located in Jenkins district
and do missionary work night and day,
for the other man.
Everybody l Know is mighty sorry
Jenkins is going. He's likeable soul and
knows his business.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-05

he's generally fellow whom you don't
feel like offending. for he's nearly al
ways a son of a sea cook who occupies
a position of quite a little relative i'm
portance and who pretends to a heap Of
responsibility and dignity md things like
those. If he were all mutt why you
could come right out and say to him.
'Sa-ay, look a-here, you pantalooned
replica of a she-chinnist. why don't you
so buy burlap bag for that guffy head
of yours, or Turkish vas max, or some
thing, SOS you can go around screened?
Why don't you tie two or three Glove
or timber bitches or figure-of-eight knots
in that fiannellette tongue of yours. that's
always wagging about people that are
doing the best they can and give your
friends a chance, anyhow, 60 cultivate
the virtues of charity and good feeling.
even If such virtues are dnheard of by
you? Why, in other words. don't you go
jump off the 18th street dock, you infer
nal two-by-four, poison-fanged, fresh
water mackerei, and give the people I'M
fortunate enough to know you a chance
for their taw agate?"
But you can't bawl the Near Knocker
out that way because he really occupies
some sort of a position in the commu-
nifty. The only thing that YOU can do
is to take it on the run every time you
see him hoofing in your direction.
And still-and still-if must really
take it on the run every time a Near
Knocker heads our way, what's .le reas-
on the whole caboodle of us won't look
as If we're trying for Marathon records
most of the time that ere awake and
have got our clothes on?
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-05

= artificial subsoi dressing was plastered
: on away back in the msts of antiquity,
in the Tweed time (Which is always re-
u ferred to something orful, although We
. live Tweed days under another no
lame most of the time over here. when
g Oakley Hall somebody waS mayor of
eathe burg. The top dressing of dirt wore
: and was washed mostly away long time
iaagO. enough thin loan remaining. how
SEVER to permit of the planting of a few
and things that don't go in much
for roots During the past year SO.
however. virtually all of the soil has dis
appeared from the park, and now it's n
poor-looking kind of old park, as bare
as the Rock of Alcauaz, with the scrubby
trees perishing for lack of something 10
take hold of. the grass all but gone. the
shrubs shriveling and the flowers gone
or going up the fiue.
Wherefore loud and louder lamentations
have been emitted in some of the New
York papers for some time past, demand
ing that a new bunch of dirt be spradded
over Central Park. This is one of those
towns however, where press and public
gid pulpit and things can lament their
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-05

git it! Youse don't weigh enough t git
nobody offn no pay roll, tsee? Youse
don't draw enough water. On y'r way.
Beat it. Y'r annoyin' US. Go roll y'r
hoop"
The park commissioner. some caloric
around the neckband naturally enough,
did beat 1t" down to his Office, where he
ascertained the names Of the bunch of
loafers he had come upon lounging in the
park. and he forthwith stripped their
names from the pay rolls Of the park de-
partment
Did he get away with 1t?
You mustn't ask foolish questions like
that. Murgatroyd, really you must not.
The foreman and his gang were loung-
ing around the park doing nothing what
ever to earn their dun on the following
day. as usual and when the park COM
missioner became sort OF mussy about 1t
he was told by an authority that isn't to
sessed Of rather too good eyesight for
his business, and that maybe he'd find 1t
just as well to wear a pair of isinglass
goggles when he went about pulling that
park inspecting gag, and so on. And the
park loungers still lounge. and you still
roll around In deep ruts whom you take
a bit of a drive through Central Park.
and the tax rate increases from year to
year and now 1t costs more than $780,
OOOUUO year just to run the everyday
departments Of New York city. without
considering extras. and-Well. yes. the
Tweed days were sure enough Orful,
Ortruda. but somehow or another there's
something pretty smelly about the way
this town has been run during the past
few years. too
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-05

around the environs of Washington.
Just at the moment of embarking upon
my cruis, Of calendar month on each
occasion I have assembled into the air
and gone broke after my leave of alb
sence hac been granted and l have, in
consequence. been compelled to spend my
legitimate go-away time in such merry.
cxhilarating pastimes as listening to the
band behind the White House, right here
at home.
This has always thrust much real bit
terness into my diaphragm.
Il have stood and watched the rest Of
the bunch departing to the place where
the boardwalk is Tapped by the moanful
sea, and /. myself. have been without
the purchase price of a pink lemonade
and a small manila bag of double-jointed
peanuts on the side.
Now 1 am going to give the gang the
coarse croak and get away from this
mans capital for the entire month. L
sure am. The Observation-Disclosures
thing is going to run for Hogan, In so far
as / am concerned.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-05

by dint of great perseverance and self
denial and much sitting in the back room
of the boarding house, smoking cob pipes.
I have at length accumulated. aggregated
and boarded one hundred and fifty beans
wherewith to take my thirty days leave
of absence. and / am going to take the
same as per schedule,
Il shall now go down to the market
place and dixie myself out in puppies and
sheer linens, and when the caravan de-
parts tomorrow for the Borrowing surge
l am going to be right there or there
abouts, and you hear ME exuding that
which is not pulsating persiflage. don't
you?"
All this said the youthful government
clerk unto himself. meaning the same.
So. with his hard-accumulated one hun
dred and fifty bucks tucked away in his
jeansies. he leaped car and Jared forth
for goods wherewith to make present.
able showing on the walk which Is COM
posed of boards.
The serge suit for fifteen simoleons, the
ornately-ribboned straw hat for two
bones, the lively. rambunctious outing
shirts for the ace apiece. the impress
sionistic socks for thirty-eight cents per
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-05

without exception. have vertically fallen
over themselves in tossing bouquets at
Miss Burke and her performance in
Love Watches" really is about the
sweetest and winsomest thing of its kind
that the writer hereof has seen for a
whole long term Of years. The young
woman has improved enormously during
her stay abroad and. while she showed
great promise while with John Drew. She
now is an actress to the ends of her finger
tips and an actress withal with fund
of naturalness and humor and quiet yet
winning. methods that will take her far.
Love Watches is a playette full OF
dainty little French touches without any
of the French suggestiveness, and Miss
Burke was singularly fortunate in getting
hold OF such a ripping medium wherein to
exploit her wholly remarkable talents
The Travelling Salesman is a funny
bit of work that has made riQtous hit
for itself with a fat drummer as the 'cen-
trail figure Of the story. Ii is the most
natural thing of its sort that has been
seen hereabouts for Il long while. There
is Il poker game in a bum western hotel
between Il gang of marooned drummers
on Christmas eve that Is about the most
realistic and. in its way. touching bit OF
business imaginable. The vast hit made
by the fat drummer-Frank Mclntyre-in
the piece has caused the managers 10 sit
ND and take notice. and now it's said that
a lot of adipose actors who have not been
a BILE TO get work for some time around
here. on account of the vogue of the Glib
son man and other types of skinnies, are
going to be put directly into harness with
star parts. for the hour of the stage fatty
has arrived.
There hasn't been a really dank and
dismal failure recorded up to date on the
New York stage this season, and most OF
the new things are leagues and leagues
ahead of the average of the stuff that was
offered to us last year at the correspond
ing time. All of which foretells that. de-
spite its being campaigning year, it's GO
ing TO be a corkng theatrical season in
this town. CLARENCE l.. CULLEN.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-05

idly here that the prices for accommoda-
tons are coming down in due proportion.
In fact. 1t is now quite as inexpensive
to live in handsome family hotel with
all of the advantages of expert service
and that sort of thing. as it is to run a
flat of your own in this town, and that's
ALPHABETICALLY as the servant problem
in New York has reached an absolutely
devilish stage-so many thousands of
families are breaking up, fat-keeping here
every month and moving into the big
hostelries that make an exclusive spe-
cialty of taking care Of folks who are
sick of the miseries OF flat-keeping For
three rooms and a BATH without any
kitchen arrangements, give about all the
space necessary. The custom is for folks
to themselves furnish these rooms in the
hotels they pick out, and of course they
can go far as they like III that re-
spect. With the idea always in mind of
winning folks away from the fiat-keeping
business. these family hotel proprietors
shrewdly calculate upon making The ho-
tel thing about as cheap for such people
as the fiat-keeping arrangement so that
they let them have their meals at an ex-
tremely moderate cost, either in the
main dining room of the hosiery or
served in their rooms. The prices for
rooms i'm these establishments become
higher the higher you go up in the ele-
vatOr, but they're all within reason and
1t is fair to say that man and his
wife can live luXuriouSly in one Of these
family hotels for the same amount of
money that they must disburse to live
just cozily. and with little or no Tugs or
display. when they have fiat of their
own. with kitchen and eating arrange
ments. and fnlpudent and grossly
overpafd servant TO preside over this part
OF the affair.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-05
LUTIONS THAT WENT BY THE BOARD Qr1CI[fE@

on my little lunar months leave what
time the sun bespangles tomorrow's or
ange east. and you hear me, don't you?"
But" said the tempter. its only going
to be two-bits limit tonight. you know.
No chance to lose much at that game.
Aw come on. Teller"
Twrling the ice in his glass and musng
dreamily, which meant hesitating, which
in turn meant succumbing, the youthful
government clerk about to start on his va
cation fell.
"Oh. WE'LL" he said, iii it's only going to
be little piking game of two-bits limit.
why, all right I can afford to slough of
a few bucks. I reckon. But lemme tell
you something: When any of that gang
of blood-money poker players and hard
losers tries to raise the ante or the limit
you are going to see swell imitation OF
one departmental clerk fading into the
haze: nor is that the harping of any
Welsh troubadour. which,"
At half-past 3 on the following morn.
when the horrific last round of jacks
was being played, the youthful govern
ment clerk. vacation-bound. had all of
$1sO worth Of chips In front of him. He
was not gay with himself. but he
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-05

old heads off without getting or &C
complishing anything. The complaisant
omnipotent bugs in charge of the fnan-
cial arrangements of the town say there
isn't any money for fresh dirt for Cen
trail Park nor for anything else for that
matter: and they hand out figures show
ing that the debt of Greater New York
already is about the size of the national
debt of the United States. These, by the
way, are the same figures that they dish
out periodically when there's a wall for
new subways over here. The private in
dividuals who now own the SubwayS al
ready in existence i'll New York don't
want any more Subways to compete with
their private traffic. you see. and-well. 1t
is ''seen to- that when the yowl is heard
for more SubwayS these figures, showing
that the big town is on the edge of bust
edness or bankruptcy or something. shall
be flashed upon the subway howlers for
the purpose of silencing them.
So Central Park. that really ought to be
such pretty kind of an oasis, bejewel-
ing the midrin of this town now is turn
ing into an eyeSore, with all OF its green
stuff giving or about to give up the vege-
table ghost for lack of somewhere to rest
its feet and derive nourishment. Even the
roads running through the park are in a
vile state of ruttiness and nothing much
is done about it. Not long ago the town
found quite easily the coin necessary to
pay about half million dollars for a
strip of swamp away down on Long Is
land somewhere, to he turned into a city
Fairgrounds. The city bought this
chunk OF miasmatic ground from a po-
litical huckster on the inside of things
over here who. just little while before
had bought that same swampy strip. for
speculative purposes. for the bag O
shells of $4,000. Thus the cleanup on
this transaction was something like $475.-
UO0 which. of course. had to go num-
Der OF different ways"-and vet the poor
old town is too busted to plaster enough
dirt On the surface of Central Park to
keep it from suggesting an aged and
toothless person dying from extreme Sc
nifty.
Little squads of ward henchmen. CLASH
fed as laborers on the city pay rolls,
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-09-05

pair, the airy-fairY cravats for two bits
per throw-such gear, and others in the
same general strain, did fe annex at the
bazaars, saying unto himself all the
time:
"And perhaps 1 am not sticking to the
schedule and being wise, that is all: and
perhaps I shall not fit toward the Land
Of the Rising Sun somewhat after dawn
tomorrow, what?'
And when he had purchased the articles
necessary to make his person worth
while ornamentally down yonder where
the ebb tide goes out to meet the sunset
star he had one hundred bucks of his
one hundred and fifty left: which was a.
plenty. and more, he considered. for him
to enjoy himself on down by the shelly
strand.
1T is now up to me-" said he to him.
self when The had ordered all OF the
bundles sent up Immediately. ITO make a
record dash for the tram-car, and have
myself hurtled to my boarding caravan
sary with all due speed, to the end that /
meet up with none Of the bunch and per-
haps fall weakly into temptation
However. it was very warm.
''Um--well, just to give me the proper