St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1908-08-05
The Three Professors.


SHel cuue VI DcduhOOu' Ohe vi lucoC
towns was surprised at the arrival Of
Professor Henry Thorn, botanist, Yale
college. and ten days later by the COM
ing of another professor. who regis
tered himself at the same hotel as
Professor Charles Witbeck, Criminol-
ogist, Harvard College" For an hour
or two his name on the register ex-
cited some little comment. That was
because those who read it didn't know
whether his profession related to claim
jumping or railroad engineering. The
landlord finally explained that Grim
inologist was fellow who had had to
jump out Of Texas for shooting a man
and had arrived in Dakota to open a
faro game and make a new start in
life. That satisfied public curiosity
and accounted for the professor stroll
ing around the town day and night
He also took In all the fine points and
particulars.
The two professors under one FOOT
fought shy of each other for couple
of days. Professors have their jeal-
ousies as well as dime museum freaks,
though greater efforts are made to con-
ceal them. At length. however. they
introduced themselves and shook
hands and began to respect each other.
Some professors of botany can't be led
to admit that there is anything inter
esting in anything but their own spe-
cial hobby So with professors of
criminology. These two professors
were different, however, They de-
ferred to each other. They made ad-
missions. They permitted each other
to talk without interruption.
The botanist held up half withered
violet that he had culed on the prairie
and delivered an interesting lecture on
its roots and stem and petals, and the
criminologist described the head and
face Of the criminal with such clear
ness that had there been an audience
present none could have failed to Sc
cure mental photograph. The points
he made were. first. a slanting fore
head: second. head that ran down
hill on the back side; third. the mar
row space between the eyes; fourth.
a bullying over the eyebrows, and. fifth,
a cruel expression about the mouth.
In addition to particulariZing these
points. he was good enough to say that
Professor Thorn didn't betray single
one Of the characteristics. On the con-
trary. an infant had only to take one
look at him to know that he was as
gentle and innocent as a woman.
Professor Thorn couldn't do less than
return the compliment. He returned
it by saying that all flowers represent
ed human characters. For instance.
the Canadian thistle represented
chuckle headed man. the burdock
man full Of envy and Jealousy the pig
weed a weakmindel person. the holly
hook a conceited ass. and so on.
What typified the character of Profess
or Witbeck was the lily. That stood
for purity Of soul and thought. A man
that represented the lily was always
subscribing to orphan asylums and
buying up old horses to turn out to
pasture for the rest of their lives.
Just what the professors said of each
other when alone Is n private matter.
The first occasion they had to distrust
each other was when they met at night
in the vicinity Of a clothing store One
OF them had been examining the" fas-
Jennings of q rear window and the other
the fastening of a door. Professor
Witbeck observed that he thought the
study of botany required daylight, and
Professor Thorn replied that he failed
to see how the study Of criminology
could be pursued without the aid of
lantern There was a second meeting
on a second night. and from thence on
the relations between the two great
institutions of learning seemed to be
strained.
1t was not to last long. however
One night after the botanist had spent
a whole hour to effect an entrance to
store by way of skylight and pho
tographer's parlors 1t was to come
upon the criminologist, who had got in
by a door and was just, preparing to
bore the safe. BY the aid of two dark
lanterns and the English language
some very sarcastic remarks were
passed as to hypocrisy and false pre-
lenses, and then they sensibly agreed
to divide the labor and the Doodle.
They were working with this aim and
object in view when a third party
crept out from his hiding place and in
terfered He began by handling his
gun in a reckless manner and introduc-
ing himself as Professor Twister of Co
lumbia college. He had been dis
patched to the great plains of the west
to gather specimens of the bygone days
when alligators thirty feet long and
elephants twenty-four feet high used
to paddle up and down the river and
gambol DER the meadows green. He
had finally found a couple of choice
specimens. and he babe them come
with him. They didn't want to, but
they had to. 1t was a late hour, but
the enterprising and patriotic citizens
were ready to turn out and build big
bonfire and throw ropes over the limbs
of trees There wasn't much to be said.
There was no particular novelty in it