The Bossier banner. [volume] (Bellevue, Bossier Parish, La.) 1859-1952, 1908-02-06
A V|CAR|OUS EP|CURE
Scheme of a Man Whose Diqes.
tive Organs Were Jaded.
GASTR0N0MIc JOY BY PROXY.
He Couldn't Eat Himself, but He
Secured the Markets For Game and
Dainties For Feasts For His Friends
and Watched Them While They Ate.

and Watched Them While They Ate.
Awhile ago." observed the man who
Eees things, II caught an old dyspeptic
friend Of mine doing a curious stunt.
He was watching a gang Of negro
street PAYERS eating their MONDAY
meal. He watched them with a sort of
fascinated gaze. The feats they were
accomplishing in the way of projecting
absolutely impossible things into their
systems seemed weird and almost un-
canny to my dyspeptic friend. One of
the negroes particularly seemed to hold
the enraptured focus of my friends
vision. This negro had for his noon
day feed two gigantic sandwiches,
composed of thick hunks of boiled salt
pork stuck between big slabs of bread.
He gulped these two sandwiches in
about four bites and then licked his
chops in a hungry sort of way, as II
they'd only about tasted like more to
him, if more were to be had. 1t was
a spellbinding spectacle in the view of
my dyspeptic friend. 1t looked incred-
ible, out of the question. 1t seemed to
him such a spectacle as might be af-
forded by the sight Of boa constructor
feeding on full sized and kicking
donkey
Enjoy that stuff? he asked the big
darky.
Had he enjoyed it! The darky grin
ned and licked his chops suggestively.
"'Could you eat any more O. that
junk? he asked the big negro
''The negro invited him to try him
dared him, in fact, to find out.
"'Get a couple more of those sand
wiches,' my friend said to the black,
and gave him the money to pay for
them at the wagon presided over by
the negro woman in charge of feeding
the gang.
THE black sat down with the other
two huge salt pork sandwiches and
put them away with the same easy and
facile unction that he had exhibited in
disresing of the first two. My friend
stood and watched him as he put 'em
away. Then he shook his head over
and over again. lie couldn't under
stand 1t. 1t was beyond reason His
own, diet consisted of little milk with
graham waters, and the idea that any
two legged creature could get away
with, much less like, such a terrific
mess as those four salt pork sand
wiches came to-oh, it was the world
upside down, that was all.
''Well, this dyspeptic friend of mine
reminded me of rather celebrated
character who used to live in Washing
ton many years ago-now long in the
land of the beyond. He was q noted
wit and bon vivant. But through ex-
cessive and kinkish eating and drink
ing = drinking particularly = he had
quite ruined his stomach long before
l ever met him. He had ruined it so
thoroughly that he could eat nothing
but frozen food-frozen consommes,
frozen fruits, frozen creams. and the
like In fact, he existed almost wholly
on ice cream, which was made partic-
ularly for him by chef whom he en-
ployed for fixing up his frozen foods.
Hot stuff Of any sort was poison to
this man with the lining of his stom-
ach all gone, and even a morsel Of the
sort of natural food we ordinary NOR
tails partake of would have put him
out Of the game entirely.
$50, with praiseworthy philosophy,
this clever and accomplished man re-
signed himself to the system Of getting
his gastronomic fun by proxy-that Is
to say. he'd enjoy watching other folks
eat. He'd provide the ways and means.
He'd do all Of the buying. I've enjoy
ed some rare old feasts myself at that
mans Washington house. l was just
one of the good eaters, with perfect
stomach, whom he had on his list.
"He'd find out the stuff that or any
of the others liked the most, and then
he'd have US come to his house to par
take of that stuff. There'd be terrapin.
perfectly cooked game of all kinds,
richly fixed vegetables, ornate and rich
pastries, extraordinarily fine coffee, de-
lightfully bouqueted dwines-everything
imaginable. and good deal of the
stuff, as you may imagine, to the last
degree indigestible, except for folks
whose internal mechanism was Of cast
| iron and in perfect working condition.
"And so, with such spread all set
| and in process Of being served. this
wit, all in himself, from the CASTRO
nomic point of view, would lean back
and just watch us fellows, friends Of
his, eat and enjoy ourselves. He'd be
| taking little mouthfuls of his frozen
stuff-a bit of frozen asparagus or
frozen consomme, or the like-while
we went on with the feast, and there'd
be wistful gleam in his eyes as he
watched us putting away the ducks
and the terrapin and the choice wines
he wasn't allowed mouthful OF
wine even, should have said. Then
when it was all over there were huge
cigars ready for us-he wasn't permit
ted to smoke anything whatever-and
then we'd just lie back and blow the
heavy, odoriferous rings of smoke int
his face and enjoy life up to the enc
Of the handle.
"Now. we used to wonder II this
| man wasn't infiicting needless torture
upon himself, but it really seemed a!
II he was not We used to ask hin
about that. in fact. and he invariabl,
replied that, next to eating the fin,
truck himself. ne enjoyed seeing peo
pie capable Of appreciating it AM
enjoying eating the stuff. ! Away
thought, though. that his curious sys