davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-22

up from your chair to roll on to the
lounge. and the wife has her eye on the
couch in the other room that's banked
up with the ornamental pillows, when
Ting ling-ting-a-ling. ling! cThis Is
supposed to make a noise like a bell.D
You and your wife gaze at each other
in CONSERVATION. Your jaws fall. Gloom
suddenly sits on both of you like cloud
on the face of the moon You yourself.
heather that you are, mutter things un-
der your breath that this family news
paper wouldn't think of repeating. no
stree! You humble to your wife, in a
hoarse stage whisper. that she is not to
answer the bell. But she says-oh, they
all say that! But, dear, supposing it is
telegram?''-and of course the bell has
to be answered.
And then the Sunday Afternoon Callers
troop in. Usually the Sunday Afternoon
Callers are another young couple They're
all dressed up like Astor's goat. and of
course they're tickled to death TO find
you and your wife in disgraceful neglige.
And. great heavens How wide awake
they are! HOav chattery! How gay! How
prattly! How full O fun! How kitten
ish. laughy. gurgly-durn 'em.
The dickens of it is that, outside of
being Sunday Afternoon Callers. they're
nice people: real nice folks. You don't
mind having 'em drop in at all any other
time except Sunday afternoon.
Well, they're there all right and so
you're in for it. You cover up the big
series of yawns while they sit down and
begin to chirp at you. How they do
chrp and chirrup and chirp-chirp! You
and the wife, only half awake put on
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-22

you'll be able to just flop on to the couch
or lounge or even on the bed. when it
comes to that-the spouse doesn't kick II
you muss up the bed on Sunday after
noons-and. vince! the way you'll pound
your ear and firt with the feathers and
loll off in the hay then-oh. vince! some
more: several whees!
VARY well. The dinner arrives on the
table as per schedule. and you sit down
to 1t with not any more clothes on than
necessary. Ditto the wife at the other
side of the table. Not too many clothes
on either of you. because you're in your
own home. aren't you. and you guess you
can have little comfort If you want to.
can't you? Well. then!
Great eats. Gorgeful eats. BY the time
the Ice cream and coffee are reached
you're about right. The world swims in
little feecy clouds and the brides are
busting their little throats And you wad-
die away from the table ditto the spouse)
and you pick up the big fat cigar you've
been saving and boarding. and you plump
yourself into the great big chair. and you
assemble big bunch of comic supple
ments and magazine supplements and
feature pages. and you pull at the blissful
smoke and the spouse gets her share of
the funny sections and things and takes
seat on the other side. and you sort of
read blinkily for little while and then
you begin to experience that dOpey feel
ing as per your anticipations. and when
you glance over at the wife, why, she. too.
is beginning to look as If she doesn't care
whether she stays awake or not. and then
you take the final whiffs on your. smoke
and then toss it, and you're just getting
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-22

bered for his prodigious feats Of memory.
His recollection of faces. facts. figures.
events was all but incredible. He made
no display of his remarkable powers OF
memory; did not go in for fancy feats
along that line; but he literally was a
walking encyclopedia of knowledge on an
incalculable number of subjects. More
than a overwhelmingly two generations,
in truth-of legislators leaned upon him
for advice and counsel in the preparation
of speeches and addresses. in which they
desired to air a fine fund Of Information.
The old librarian never refused such in
formation and he was quite careless as to
whether any of them ever gave him any
credit for his aid or not; and, indeed. very
few of them ever did give any public
credit for elaborate efforts in the ora
torical line for which they had obtained
nearly all of the facts, and in some cases
the actual rhetoric. from the librarian.
He had a knack of getting all the heart
and meat out of book by merely SKIM
ming It, He would hutter the pages of the
important new books as they came along,
absorbing the stuff as thoroughly in that
way as the average man does when he
takes a book to his study and pores over
it for days or weeks. 1t was not super
fetal reading in Mr.. Spofford's case. He
had trained himself to get at the in'ards
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-22

in Washington when. quite a number of
years ago. it was discovered by the
Treasury Department folks that the ac-
counts of the Library Of Congress were
short to the tune of some $4,000 When
that fact was made public there was no
need for anybody here or anywhere else
to rush to the defense of Ainsworth Spot
ford. That he should have been in the
remotest way consciously connected with
the shortage was simply inconceivable;
SO inconceivable that men acquainted with
the librarian absolutely could not take
the story in any other light than as a
joke. But 1t was no joke. The $4,000
shortage was there all right Not only
that. but Mr. Spofford made 1t up out
of his own pocket. Then the house
cleaning of the old library began. and
folks will remember how bales and bum
dies of uncashed postal notes and money
orders. heaps of currency. checks and so
on were found tucked away in drawers
of desks all over the building: found just
where they had been stuffed by Mr..
Spofford during a long stretch of years.
The old gentleman. profound as he was.
had not the remotest idea of business:
and so. in opening the mail. he'd simply
tuck the currency and checks and money
orders and things away in the drawers
and then proceed to forget all about
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-22

for an hour or so. Or perhaps you set to
work fixing up the Uttered desk upon
which, some day-ye-eh, some day-you
are going to write the Great American
Novel or the Great American Play. In
the progress of this you come upon some
mighty affectionate. not to say loving,
letters that your wife wrote to you last
month while she was away on her vaca-
ton and lonesome, and you start to read
these aloud to her just to make her feel
cheap, and she stuffs her fingers into her
ears and says you're a mean old thing.
and then she rushes over and rips the
letters out of your hands and says that
it's perfectly impossible that she could
have written such nonsensical stuff to
you after all these four long years OF
matrimony, and. oh. you find loads and
loads Of things to do on a Sunday morn
ing to entertain yourself
= As for your wife. why. she fits around
doing a lot of nothing. too. on Sunday
morning. Now. we're not saying this
alouG-far be that from us-but '(sh-sh-sh !!
now-this is under Govern we've got a
vague idea that on some Sunday morn
ings she even goes the frightful length of
sewing a lace collar or something on a
dress. Understand. it is not our purpose
nor is it our desire to cast Odium upon
this community; we don't say that all
wives in Washington do such sinful.
such a scandalOus thing. as to sew a
lace collar on a waist on Sunday morn
ing; we only say, in a humble sort of
way, for the preservation of the record,
that we've known such hdeous thing
to be done.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-22

ers. iron filings and such. of which En-
gmeer Curtiss was the star got rather
wearisome, too.
All OF which goes TO show that as a
press agent and free advertiser, Capt
Baldwin is in class by himself Out on
the coast. where they know him better
than they do in the east, it's a common
saying that Capt. Baldwin can breathe
into linen handkerchief tied at the cor
ners. kiss his hand goodbye and float
continuously, four days and four nights.
before landing Which is a sincere and
conscious tribute to his particular brand
of no. air.
Joe Cantillon. manager of the Wash
ngton base ball club. has reason to know
all about Capt Tom. Joe is right some
shucks of press agent himself. as he
ball team around the country some years
ago. The aggregation that he had In
tow. which included Lajoie and many
others of the headlners of the national
game. would have drawn well without
fancy advertising. but Joe wasn't salts
fed and wanted to do better. So he
took the team down in coal mines and
submarine boats and on dips of death and
loop the loops and got their names III
the papers every minute in connection
with some kind of fool stunt
When the bunch struck Frisco. Capt
Tom was waiting for them. He was
then turning an honest penny by taking
foolish folks up in a big captive balloon
that was securely hitched in one of the
citys amusement parks. and he made a
proposition to Joe Cantillon to elevate
him and his team.
Twill give us both lot of free ad'
vertising." said Pom.
on"
But the team-every blessed man re-
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-22

Now. all the time that these Sunday
morning activities are In progress the
big dinner is by way of getting READY
Yep, you smell it. It's immense. You
saw the roast when it was put in the ice
box last evening and, geeminently. wasn't
ii a buly-looking roast! And there's go
ing to be ice cream-the wagonll haul up
Just about the time you're ready to sit
down for dinner It's going to be a
cracking meal, all right. Your WIFE tens
you so. an hour or so after breakfast
when you begin to bleat to her about be-
out of the refrigerator to sort o stay you
till dinner. but she puts her foot rlght
smack dab down on that, because she
says you'll spoil your dinner. and she
says it's going to be jim-dandy of
dinner. and you know she's telling the
truth and so it's all right.
And all during this wait for the Sun
day dinner. why. you've got grand hold
out for yourself The holdout Is the af-
ter-dinner nap. You know blamed well
that you're SO hungry that you're going
to eat too much when you do sit down to
that Sunday dinner-doggone it all. when
is dinner goin' to be ready, anyhow
and you know very well. too. that about
half an hour after the big Sunday dinner
you're going to be SO dopey that you
won't be able to hold your eyes open.
But that's all right. You don't care a
hang whether you'll be able to keep EN-
open or not. It's Sunday, isn't 1t? All
right. Sure it's Sunday. And SO you
know that the very minute you become
dopey after the big Sunday dinner, why
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-22

OF a book. even a book of the profound
sort. by the Swimming process. and he
would never forget the fundamental facts
that he absorbed from volume in this
way Men of renown used to watch him
rafting through books in this manner, and
they were incredulOus that he could pos
sibly gain anything of value from such
method of reading. They tested him as
to what he got out of books by this SKIM
ming process time and again. and they
never failed to discover that he had picked
the essential stuff out Of the book as
thoroughly as they themselves could have
done by close and careful reading extend
ing over considerable periods Mr.. Spof-
ford used to quote the saying OF Thomas
De Quincy that no man. in the progress of
an average life. could possibly read more
than 5000 worth while books. and laugh
at it. He himself had unquestionabiy got
ten the meat out of some hundreds or
thousands of volumes; not, of course. by
going through them in the usual way and
permitting each word to soak into his
memory, but by his own skimmine
method.
1t seemed an odd and unaccountable
thing that a man with such gift OF
memory should have been so utterly In
different to business methods. 1t Will be
recalled what a commotion was caused
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-22

New York ball gang were keeping up that
screechfngly humorous rat-tat-tat directed
against the poor old Washington ball
team. The Washington team was. as usual
shine. a CLEAN. squeak, a lightning
bug I'm cistern, and 50 on. When the
Washington club came here they were
adverted to, as usual as the cellar
champs. the basement buns. the founda-
ton phonies and all like that
Not one New York fan out of a billion
ever expected, ever dreamed, that the
Yankees ever would, by any imbecile
chance. get down not only from top place,
but below the Washington club.
That however is what history recorded
as having happened.
That's why We gal-loat.
The Washington club is so well in front
of the Yankee outfit now that the chance
is more than remote that the New York
club ever will catch up with them Those
pennant winners of the spring are going
to be the cellar inha bitants of the autumn.
Wherefore. as We think We have hither-
to stated. We gloat; gloat riotuously. bru-
tally, uproariously. vociferously, i'm q
mean, ornery, contemplate and wholly
disgusting manner.
And you ought to read the respectful
little neXt-to-reading-m atter notices that
the Washington ball club gets these days
in New York papers. Ysee. the Ma
tionals being far out i'm front OF the
Yankees, why. of course. they can't wal
lop the Washingtons any more. because
that would he an indirect way of handing
the gam to their own team. So they're
saying i'm a real cute patronizing way
nowadays that those Washington fellers
are playin DANCED good ball these days.
doggoned If they haint, and they're liable
to break up a game of ball in any mans
ball yard, that's what they are. and all
like that. We're getting paIted on the
head understand: we're being staked to
the oil and the paste and the salve and
things.
But that doesn't matter. They can't
oil us enough to stop us from gloatinG
It's the only chance we've had In a long
time to do any gal-loating in the base
ball business, and that's the answer.
CLARENCE L. CULLEN,
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-22

along I'm fine. high-powered car AT q
normal rate of speed-say, at the rate of
ten fifteen miles an hour. IL he got In
the point of handling a car himself he'd
want. out Of the spirit Of emulation that
was born in him. to push the old thing
along as fast as. il not faster than. any
body else on earth ever pushed an auto
mobile. and maybe he dopes IT out that
that wouldn't be a dignified spectacle for
President to afford. Perhaps. too. he
fears that if he got the motoring bug he
might put himself in the way of being
pinched for speeding. and that wouldn't
be exactly the thing. either. would 1t?
Anyhow. I'd like to be the one to get
Theodore Roosevelt interested I'm automo-
billing. I'd never have to look for an
other customer. for I'd be made for life.
You know how much the various maya
zines of the country would give IL they
had a copy of John Rockefeller's memoirs
in their possession. don't you? Well. IL I
couldn't make as much out Of being the
first one to inoculate Mr.. Roosevelt with
the automobiling bug as anybody could
make out of John Rockefeller's memoirs.
then 1 don't know the difference between
a spark plug and foot brake. and
guess I've got that far along in the
primer of automobling, anyhow
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-22

the Grand Old Man of the Star-eyed God
dess and the Green-eyed Monster and the
Gray Wolves and things.
Just now. as heap chief of the publicity
end of the Bryan campaign, he is in
stalled-enthroned would be tetter-at the
Manhattan Club, which the same is some
club when it comes to luxurious appoint
ments and cuisine and such like. And
Marse Henry loves luxury. He admits it.
II reckon must have been Sardanapalus
or Heliogabalus or some sybaritic son of a
sea cook of that sort in my last incarna-
ton I once heard him say when one
of his kentucky friends was chatting him
over his intense enjoyment of the good
things of life.
II is fun just to sit or stand by and
observe how much fun this mellow dis
tinguished quaint and wholly engaging
citizen of Kentucky-probabiy Kentucky's
first citiZen-gets out of life in this town.
He Is holding sort of levee at his
sumptuous Manhattan Club apartments
during great part of the time. Not
politicians alone, but men distinguished
i'm many fields. form the habit Of dropping
In on Marse Henry for smoke and
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-22

did entertain a prejudice against auto
mobiles he would surely have said some
thing about it to the slews and slathers
of automobile men who. during the past
few years. have made frantic overtures to
him to get. the automobile habit. There
isn't any such flare-up on record, however.
1t appears, then, that he must take
merely a neutral attitude toward automq-
tobiles; that he doesn't hate them, at any
rate The fact that he is shooting around
Long Island in automobiles belonging to
various persons certainly indicates that
if he ever did entertain such preju-
dice he now has got over it.
1.-The next thing to consider, then. is
this: Who's going to be the first to get
him into an automobile in Washington?
''Gee-whiz but 1 wish l could answer
that question by spouting right out: Me!
Me. I'll be the one to get him into an
automobile.
Because, you see, the fellow who first
succeeds in getting MIR. Roosevelt into a
motor car in Washington has just as good
as made his fortune. If l got word from
Mr.. Roosevelt that he'd get into a car
with me-not that he'd buy one, under
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-22
IS PRESIDENT ROOSEVELT INTERESTED IN AUTOMOBING?-

worked up big in the regular advertis-
ing sections of the papers. but Mr.. Roose-
velts shooting around in Washington IN
an automobile for the first time would
have a news value, and of course the ca
would have to be named in the new
columns as we'll as in the advertiser.
parts of the papers.
Then folks all over the country who
admire Mr.. Roosevelt, and who haven't
vet fallen for the automobile habit would
say to each other, We'll, by gum, here 1T
says that Teddy is taking his first rlues
around Washington in a motor car. and
/ guess what Teddy does is good enough
for US, and so, mother, what do you say
to our having an automobile ourselves?
And-let's see, what's the name of the
car Teddy is riding in. oh. yes, here it is
in the paper-why, we might just as well
buy one Of the kind of cars he's riding
in. mighth't we?'
Millions, son, positive millions. in an
advertisement like that! Because. you see.
throughout wide section Of this country
everything that Teddy does is taken for
absolutely the right thing. In Washing
ton perhaps we don't understand how this
can be- but it's the fact all right, and II
you don't believe it all you've got to do is
to prowl around in any Of the states on
the western side of the Alleghenies and
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-22

bit of talk at all hours Of the day and at
a good many of the hours of the night.
Without even a symptom OF garrulous-
ness this seasoned old man of the
world is perhaps the most interesting
talker in the country. He doesn't crate,
he doesn't deal in the pomp of converse
tion he doesn't descend to platitudinous-
ness, he doesn't eXude bromid1ums. lie
Just cOnverseS In a humOrOuSly keen SORT
of a way on matters that come up, never
protesting to be the sayer OF the maj
word on any subject. but throwing the
illumination of forked but not vitriolic
wit on the topic in hand.
You'll see him around on the roof
gardens at night. always with party
of men Of note. enjoying the foolish sum,
mer shows and he has the sesame or
most of the good clubs in New York.
New York thinks heap Of him. Down
beneath the pelt haven't the least doubt,
that he thinks a heap of New York. He
only pretends to consider New YORK a
wart on the surface OF time. He couldn't
possibly have better time anywhere
on the globe than he does here. Much
as he is liked In a whole lot of places. IN
no place do they make such fuss over
him. as they do in New York. He is
particularly beloved by a large circle OF
clever and growing young men OF the
professions in this town. They hang
upon his satirical. but never bitter. cpl
grams and quote them as they go their
ways. Plenty or men wei past seventy
are wise and experienced and sage in
counsel and all like that But few men
Of such years have kept the youthfulness
of spirit that is possessed by this thor
oughly winning old genius from Ken
lucky.
Not one of these New Workers. out of a
hundred, by the way, is acquainted with
the fact that Marse Henry spent quite a
number Of his boyhood days here in New
York But he did More than that, he
,ff 81 rio In, NJ
town in his boyhood, away back yonder
in the roaring ffties. Once more he is
a ripping. good player of the piano right
at this present hour and date. and what
he doesn't know about the best music
isn't worth struggling to know. In his
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-22

>-aEhow. once upon a time 1 was gum
shoeng out of New York for a saffron
hued daily of seventy-four regular down.
to-dark editions, and landed up the state
on the very edge of the line. and in one
of the most outrageous apologies for a
waySide inn that ever lodged righteous
lightning stroke. There l met another
four-dollar-aweek reporter who was
chasing the same elusive assignment-I
think we were trying to find nurse girl
who had fallen heir to $40OO,OOO 900,
though that's not material.
After trif1ing with a crime of dinner
and telling each other personal and bust
ness untruths for several hours. We trOt-
ted off TO our rooms Mine was little
box of thing, with one window. and
most of the panes out of that. Outside.
under the sky, the thermometer would
have registered something like sixteen de-
grees below zero. In my room it was
half a deree better than that. But by
going to bed with all my clothing, includ-
ing my overcoat, on my person. and piling
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-22

Spofford standing in one of the aisles.
skimming over some books. The repre-
sentative took but one glance at the old
gentleman's extremely dark skin and
jumped TO his conclusion.
Here. uncle he said to Mr.. Spofford,
who. of course. he had never seen be-
fore. pick up these books and tote 'em
over to my committee room for me. will
you?"
Mr. Spofford looked at the representa-
tive for a puzzled minute and then smil-
ed his large, comprehensive smile. Then,
dropping the books he had under his arm.
he picked up the bundle of books the rep
resentative had picked out. and trotted
along in the wake of the representative to
the latter's committee room, where he
carefully laid the books on the table.
Good morning. Mr.. Librarian" said
the chairman of the committee. who hap
pened to be in the committee room at the
moment ''Short-handed over at your
place, that you're packing books around
yourself? Why don't you put in re-
quest for more employees
Then the bumptious member dropped"
to it and flushed up and looked cheap.
and the guying he got from his colleagues
who heard about the incident didn't SUBJ
side for weeks.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-08-22

you'll find ont.
Literally hundreds of attempts have
been made. not to sell. but to give auto
mobiles to Mr.. Roosevelt. but he's famed
VI of the attempters. For some reason
other which nobody can get to the bot
m of-and we've all tried desperately
and wistfully to get to the bottom of it
Mr. Roosevelt has resisted, not combat
lively, but determinedly, all efforts to get
him interested in automobiles. Every
conceivable manner of job has been put
up to get him into the motoring frame of
mind, but all of the jobs have failed. I'd
be willing to bet anything that If he were
to express a willingness today, to look
into the merits Of the various machines.
with the idea of getting one. he could
have literally hundreds of magnificent
cars presented to him. gratis. without
costing him a SUMMARIZE. Not only
would every American car manufacturer
hustle to be in the limelight which would
be displayed on people lucky enough to
get their cars accepted by the President.
but the foreign manufacturers would keep
the cables red. hot trying to get Mr..
Roosevelt to be good and kind and pleas
ant and considerate and nice enough. pull
lease. to accept the gift of the finest car
they could turn out of their shops.