The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1908-08-26
Maria's
Burglar.
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cause I hired him on her account.
AS the children would say, he was
not a really burglar. One glance
at his gentle frankness, his serene
responsibility must have convinced
you of that fact beyond p~eradventure.
Moreover, he was my daughter S
fance, and no decent citizen, so TAR
as l am aware, would suffer an
avowed lawbreaker 10 remain in his
household in that capacity.
Maria's burglarphobia exhibited its
first symptoms the night we moved
into our new home.
We were sleeping for the first time
under it's roof. Hardly had I dozed
off when l felt the gentle impact of
Maria's fist in my ribs and the soft
sibilance of her whisper in my ear:
Get up, John. There's some n on
our roof" 1 raised my head and lis
tened attentively. There's no one
there" 1 announced definitely. Maria
insisted there was; adding that there
we're two of them, and that one wore
hob-nailed shoes. My query as to the
size of the shoes met with no re-
.sponse At last, to satisfy her, l
arose and went to the little closet on
the top floor which marks the en-
trance to our ~scuttle. In one hand l
carried a lamp; in the other an I'M
loaded revolver. Twice I called,
-"Who's there" and twice was l an
swered only by the moaning of the
wind as it swept along the chimney
tops. l did not raise the scuttle lid;
Time for that il the morning.
Though fully RECALLED with the details
of my expedition Maria remained
awake for at least four hours. She
told me about it the next day.
In the morning We found an old
felt hat on our roof. Maria gloated.
Our neighbours son claimed it later
in the day, saying he had dropped it
o our roof while playing on his own
some weeks previously.
Our burglars next appeared on the
front steps about 4 o'clock of a frosty
winters morning. From her trem-
bling place under the blanket Maria
could almost distinguish the words
of their conversation; something l
failed to accomplish, even though l
stood for three whole minutes in the
chilled vestibule with my ear at the
front door keyhole. That we arose
the next morning to find ourselves
alive, our silverware intact, and our
doors securely bolted, Maria was in
"clined to attribute to a renascence Of
the age of miracles. After that we
were besieged no less than three
times a week; sometimes oftener.
Maria" said I, at last, what is it
about a burglar that you fear SO
abjectly? If one wants to get into
our place he'll get there, never fear.
Whatever he takes will be replaced
by the insurance people, anyway
And If he kills us where we lie
I presume that will be liquidated by
the insurance people as well-if
. either of us is here to collect it."
This in Maria's most sarcastic man
ner.
so It is bodily injury you fear?
Why? Am I not here?" Our hero
spoke these words with calm conf
dence and fine fearlessness. Under
the circumstances Marie's responsive
sniff was hardly complimentary.
Bluntly she inquired-if a burglar
loaded pistol in his hand and a fero-
~cious scowl upon his face-what
would I do?
I'D jump out of bed and grapple
him where he stood. I'd put my knee
on his neck and throttle him until
he howled for mercy. I'd pummcl
him with all my might, and leave
Inn lying inert on the floor, while
went off to fetch an ambulance in
which to remove his battered carcass
that is, of course, provided he was
not ineonsiderate enough to take 10
his heels before l had time to com
plete my vengeance" So that due
modesty might attend my claim, !
~vouchsafed the opinion that all bur-
glars are towards at heart.
Indeed" said Maria. The sub
1imated sarcasm and skepticism con
tanned in that brief word. determined
me.
My prospective s~on-in-law, Clar-
ence Colburn, failed to evince instant
enthusiasm over my plan, even
though I offered to purchase on his
behalf the real thing in the shape OF
a mask. a jimmy and a lantern. Be-
fore he agreed to carry u the part
/ had assigned to him. | was obliged
to promise several things. First, the
wrath Of his prospective mother-in-
law must be appeased by me, in case
of the discovery Of his identity al
whatsoever expense. Secondly, my
demonstrations of bravery must be
strictly passive and largely o]ratorical
I might command him to Gesist; to
leave the house under threat OF
speedy apprehension; to abandon his
plumber where he found it-but
must not leave my place. l was
not to touch the floor until he had
full opportunity to clear the
Lastly, my pistol must remain I'M
loaded-'in case we get TOO excited
YOU know" These details fixed, We
set Thursday as the date. and prompt