Watauga Democrat. [volume] (Boone, Watauga County, N.C.) 1888-current, 1908-07-09
Uncle Toby's Lecture on the Country
Editor.
(Home and Farm.)


NAL common TO all parts of the
United States, portions of Eu-
rope, Asia and Madagascar. He
is a biped, quadruped. centpede,
and every other kind OF a "ped"
known to natural history. If he
didn't have so many hands and
legs he couldn't perorm the du-
ties OF a country editor. Your
Uncle Toby was once q country
editor. But he had a strong con
stituion and recovered. In a ma
jority of cases the patient does
not recover. The disease is not
contagious; you have to run af-
ter it to get it. After that it has
got you. AS a rule the country
editor is not ornamental, but he
is useful. Everybody uses him.
The regular duties OF a coun-
try editor are to gather news
from all over the county, and all
other counties where his subscri-
bers have relatives living, write
editorials, obituaries q II d ac-
counts OF weddings, to set type,
make up ''forms," do job work,
print, fold aud mail the papers,
solicit lads" and locals, SIN moke
a cob pipe, swear at the "devil, "
and throw the shooting stick"
at the cat. He is also expected
to attend all political meetings,
church socials, base ball games
and funerals, especially the fu-
nerals OF his delinquent subscri-
bers.
In addition to the above du-
ties he must cut and carry in his
own stove wood, hoe in the gar.
den, feed the pigs, sweep the floor,
put up ash-hoppers, stick peas,
patch the roof, repair the fence,
put new hinges on the gate, and
get up at the dead hour of mid
night and go after paregorIc fol
the baby. 1t is also his duty to
|get in debt as much as possible
Ito every merchant in town, as
this will induce them to "take
more space" in his paper.
In the midst of all these duties
the editor is expected to have a
good time, wear q ginger.cake
smile, a brass finger ring, and at
least one "gallus.
Country editors are usually
married men and have from sew
en- to fourteen children. Nothing
less than this would hold him to
his Job, not even a mortgage. A
family OF that size holds him
down so he can't fly too high.
Then it furnishes him a job at
home. ] never knew a country ed.
itor out OF a job. mean one
with large family.
, your Uncle Tobey was nine
feet seven inches high, iour feet
!, wide, and two leet and seven inch
, es thick, had q good income, was
a good poker player, and had nc
poor relation, he would like to
be a country editor for a b o u t
six months. He would be big en-
= ough then to tell the truth and
!, not get hurt. He could | $ c
make his delinquent subscribers
pay up, hire some one to do the
"chores" and keep a barrel Of
paregoric in the house ION tap
), all the time.
A country editor oflight weight
can afford to tell the truth. L
he did, he'd get the 'stuffin' lick
ed out of him every day. If the
= bride is hump-shouldered, freck
led, cross-eyed, and has a war;
on her nose, the editor is expect
ed to say she is beautiful ano
accomplished" Ii a candidate
! has a record that ought to put
. him III the penitentlary the edi-
' tor is expected to refer to him al
being upright, honest and capa
:, BILE" IF a merchant puts sand il
:, his sugar the editor is supposed
u to advertise it as "puregoods a.
n a remarkably low pnce."
y Country editors will probabl,
IN all 90 to heaven. The lies the,
D. toll here don't cOunt. If thew dif