davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-10

dear little woman's estimate, thus ex-
pressed. Is the gospel truth.
Mighty queer. come to think 1t over
what fine cook-up versions Of things
we're always ready with when it comes
to telling things about ourselves to our
wives. No matter how tremendously We
may be In the wrong as to that little
matter that happened downtown. why.
going to acknowledge that we're in the
tell the people concerned in the incident
prejudiced or something. but when we get
home it's all different. all VARY different
At the dinner table. telling HER about
1t, why. the other people are sons OF sea
cooks that don't know they're alive and
never did, and we-us-why. our part in
the affair was distinguished by modera-
ton. magnanimity. superiority of view.
generosity of action and all the rest Of
that stuff. We were right and they were
wrong. We were high-minded and fine in
the affair. while those cheap. common.
little-minded rats of fellows behaved like
a lot Of lumberjacks. Our own conduct
in the matter stood out like a beacon
light on a rocky coast, while they. the
measly Neasels. acted like pack Of
mongrels. and-oh, lot more similar.
That's how we maunder on and on, i'm
agining that we're getting away with It;
and pretty often when 1t comes to that,
why, we do get away with It.
But If there were any possibility Of our
hearing some other fellow going on In
that way. Dragging in such manner to
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-10

on. Thing is, now, to see IL can't nail
something to NIX up the badness
Mrs. Jobson was there with the remark
that. really. she didn't think he was bald
enough to hurt anybody. and that she'd
never heard of any cure for badness.
anyhow. that was any account. She said
that. on the contrary. she'd always un-
derstood that cures for badness did more
harm than good, and she recommended
that Mr.. Jobson let nature take its course.
so to speak. and let his bald spot alone.
"Oh. that's like you-like all women"
was Mr.. Jobson's comeback to that
There's about as much progress in eight
million women. and maybe a little less.
than there Is in the index finger of the
thtck-headedest man that ever pulled on
pair of trousers. Let 'er rip that's
the woman's slogan. You wouldn't care q
dang II lost every internal hair on my
head overnight. and woke up in the morn
ing with poll on me like a fresh-picked
gourd. Fine lot you care what calamity
happens to me. But II the shoe were on
the other foot-if by any chance you were
cent piece-why you'd be bellering and
sleep. yelling for somebody to come and
take the bald spot away. and it would
cost me every cent I could rake and
scrape to pay fake bald curists to fix you
up. Different. though-danged different
when anything like that happens to me.
1 bet you're secretly tickled to death to
note that I'm getting bald spot. bet
you're just bubbling inside Of you at the
thought of 1t. 1t gives you something on
me-that's your narrow little measley
view Of it."
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-10

nothing much that we can do. now or
hereafter. is going to change their view
with respect to us. Our record Is all
made up as to the view which all OF our
friends and acquaintances hold, and are
going to hold. with regard to US.
Different home. though. boys. VARY
different, and maybe we don't all know
it,
Home. we can loll and lummox around
and act big and important and always
rightish and SO on. and get by with 1t.
Home. we can unreel our endless-chain
coils about where we stand. and why we
stand that way. and SO on. and we're
pretty sure to find that our own exalted
view as to ourselves is Endorsed and ap-
proved. and. II anything. frightened up
and made little stronger, by her.
Fine arrangement. too, after all. Be-
cause. you see, probably It's intended and
devised that all Of US, in order to get by
and cut through the craggy game OF life
have got to possess a certain store Of
superf1uous conceit Now. every super
huous stock has got to have an outlet.
and what better outlet for a superhuous
stock of conceit could there be than q
credulous and sympathetic little spouse
who listens to us and, Al any rate makes
us think that she thinks it's all on the
level?
Just what our wives do think In these
circumstances. when we're INDUCING in all
OF this unholy Dragging and blowing about
ourselves, will ever remain q sort of
problem; a problem, because the female
mind Is mystery which the male never
has plumbed and never will plumb as
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-10

big-money chief was tilted back In q
chair. growing fiercely. with q cigar
clapped into his countenance at the pre-
else angle affected by Chuck Corners.
One Eyed Connolly and others OF that ilk.
One by one the snap shooters passed be-
fore the door OF the purser's room. Shoot
ing away at the notwithstanding Or
ganfzer OF moneyed things. and the pic
lures that they thus made gave Mr. Nor
gan the look, for all the world, Of a sui
len mastiff just about to make a final eff
fort to bite himself to death. Before Mr..
Morgan had become aware OF what they
were doing they had taken dozens OF
these fierce negatives OF him.
A while back the Duchess OF Marlbor-
ough, in her efforts to flag" the snap
shootists got a bad deal from the cam
eras on her arrival from Europe. The
snap shots that were made Of the unfor-
tunate American duchess by the newspa-
per camera CHECKERS on the steamer sim
ply made her out a fright OF the most
frightful description. and II she saw these
pictures she must. being woman. have
and figure of her trim and trig mother.
Mrs. Belmont. likewise were most
wretchedly rendered by the newspaper
cameras. and all because these women
wriggled about and made such a deter
mined effort-foredoomed, OF course. to
failure-to evade the snap shooters.
Mr.. Charles Schwab. the big. good-na-
tured steel man. who got In from Europe
not long ago. had the right method in
this matter. AS he stood on the pier.
waiting for his baggage TO get by the
customs people. he observed the large
flock of men with cameras hooking about
him. He stepped out into an open space
with a laugh.
Here. you boys" he said, cheerfully,
fire away. TIL stand up for you. As
long as it's bound to be-and know that
IT is-why, 1 want to be made to look as
human as possible anyhow"
The result was that the snap shots pub
lished OF Mr.. Schwab on the following
morning did not make him look like a
gloomy gorilla or q slouching criminal.
but like a cheerful. self-contained man Of
the world.
CLARENCE L. CULLEN,
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-10

long as the big yellow lamp swings n the
blue dome Of heaven.
She looks as II she's taking II all in.
anyhow, and that's enough for US. We
believe that she is. We believe that we're
getting away with II. She gazes at US
out Of her big eyes. and says she do de-
clare and mercy sakes alive and gracious
on US and all that. and every little while
she chimes in with q little observation
about what she'd like 10 do to the people
down town we say are picking on u.s."
and. thus encouraged. we go right on ex-
uding the hot steam and the superheated
atmosphere. and the longer we boost for
ourselves the more extravagant we be-
come In self-praise. and by the time We
get through with q plugging ourselves
session like that. why, we've just about
made 1t appear that there's been an orful
mistake somewhere that we weren't made
President OF the United States or Bhiff-
Bhan OF Rat-Ma-TaJ or something: and
there the little woman sits. regarding US
out OF her big in-no-cent believing eyes,
and a mighty quaint figure OF fun we're
cutting all the time. II we only know it,
and that's no hasheesh fantasy. either.
Once In while. when we're a-spread-
Ing 1t on pretty thiclf5 and she's appar-
emily believing every word OF IT. we sort
Of wonder. vaguely. IL 1t can be possible
that she. too. is kidding US. but-but oh.
perish such a thought She knows what
wonderful people we are. We know that,
and so what's the use Of repintng?
By the way. what do these bachelor
ducks do to work on their superduous
stores OF swell-uppiness?
We've forgotten
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-10

cigars stuffed with sheep-shearings or
camel-house sweepings. it oughtn't to
listen like just as good a smoke as the
thing made down In the Key West dis
trict with the boss looking on and inspect
ing each one of 'em.
Fell to thinking Of this q little while
ago. when my wife sort O. eased off a
hint that she was going to buy me .
box of cigars for my birthday present.
Ever have your wife leave OF a threat
that she Intended to buy you box of
cigars for a birthday present? Because
If you haven't been through that. why.
you don't know what trepidation and per-
turbation and things like those. whatever
they mean, feel like.
"Of course. the instant I caught the
drift of her hint or threat. or whatever
you call it. why, tried to nag her.
"Told her that 1 was thinking Of giving
up smoking. Didn't say it In a way to
give her to understand that I knew that
she designed to give me box Of cigars
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-10

I haven't got any time to prowl around
with side lines like cures for badness
and all like that. Make yourself useful
as well as decorative around here and see
If you can't spring something that'n pre-
vent my head from looking like billiard
ball by next Tuesday week. 1t won't
cruel you. I hope. to do little thing
like that for me-"
So Mrs. JobsOn not inspired, however.
with any great amount of hope. went to
work and studied the bald question. The
more she studied 1t the less bright 1t
looked to her. but she came upon slews
and slathers Of remedies or absolute
cures" for badness that read and looked
all right. and she began to uncoil these on
Mr.. Jobson, one after another.
Mr.. Jobson. willing to do any old thing
that offered the remotest chance to stop
the crumbling away. as it were, Of his
topside hirsute. tried all Of these bald
gags dug up by Mrs. Jobson.
He spread things on the top of his head
at night that forced Mrs. Jobson to sleep
in another room with the door closed.
But nothing happened.
He wore helmets and shakos and other
ld-curing-maybe-con on his
head during his sleeping hours that made
him look like somebody reclining In the
electrocutory chair.
Nothing transpired in the way Of new
hair, however. nor did the old hair indi-
cate any purpose to cease going away
from there.
Mr.. Jobson. though. was game. That's
got to be given to him. He stuck along.
He stayed with the bald cures.
On two or three occasions Mrs. Jobson
pulled bald Treatments on him-things
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-10

that she'd read Of or been told of-that re-
Quired him to give up his business tenn
porarily and to hang around the house
for two or three days, wearing medica-
ments on his head that smelt like Gies-
boro point when the river steamers pass
by there on a hot day in August. On such
occasions Mrs. JobsOn. for sheer self-pro-
lection. had to fumigate the house and
spend most of the time in the kitchen.
SOS to keep out of proboscis range of
the bald cures Mr.. Jobson was ornament
ing his crown with.
But the bald cures didn't do any cur
ing SOS you could notice 1t with the I'M
screened eye.
Once into the thing. however. Mr.. Job
son was bound and determined to go
through with 1t, and so he kept right on
adjuring Mrs. Jobson to stick along with
her search for some bald cure that would
produce results
Mrs. Jobson found herself dreaming OF
armies Of bald-headed men, and most of
her waking hours were spent in trying
to dope out of magazine ads and things
some sure enough workable method
whereby badness might be cured or
stopped or arrested or canned or tagged
or side-tracked or ditched or something
n. G., however. all Of these efforts. They
didn't work out. They were morning
glories. They read real cunnin' and cute
on paper. but they didn't get any new
hair, nor did they convince the old hair
that It ought to be ashamed OF itself for
coming out and staying out the way 1t
did.
The other evening. after dinner, Mrs.
Jobson. out Of the kindness OF her heart.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-10

majority Of the returning celebrities have
evinced this year a real or an anected
Discrimination to having their personal
pulchritude or the lack OF the same re-
corded by the newspaper photographers.
and the pictured results have been some
thing terrifying.
The reason why Is that the New YORK
newspaper photographer. when he Is as
signed to make snapshot OF a celebrity.
is simply bound to get the picture. willy
nilly, by fair means or foul. He knows
that his job depends absolutely upon his
success in getting portraits Of persons
who do not. or al least pretend that they
do not. want to have their pictures in the
newspapers, and this knowledge is. nat
urally enough. sufficient to force him to
any extreme to gain his point. He is
fully aware that il the photographer of
a rival newspaper succeeds In snapshot
ing a celebrity. while he himself fails in
paper isn't liable to be worth a motor
mans discarded glove after his fall
down."
This is the reason why the much-decried
snap shootists are such persistent and
absolutely unsquelchable individuals. This.
likewise. is the reason why. in about
ninety-nine cases out OF hundred. they
actually succeed in getting snap shots OF
the famous "side-steppers." no matter
how frantically the latter strive. or pre-
camera.
New York from Europe the other day he
rather bIusterfully announced on the
steamers deck that he wouldn't have his
picture taken by a newspaper photogra-
pher for any conceivable amount OF
money.
very busy and officious secretary OF
the financier kept himself more or less In
front of Mr. Morgan during all Of the
time the latter was on the deck OF the
steamer while it was swinging up the
harbor, and when in spite OF this. one OF
the photographers. Selling the right mo-
ment. took a shot at the big money man
the oficious secretary appeared to be-
come real vexed. so he did. He advanced
upon the photographer who had made the
shot raising a heavy cane as he did SO.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-10

Pretty punk. eh?" said another at tbs
table.
'.Smelt like a fertilizer factory working
overtime, Of course. huh?" suggested an
other
Like a firecracker that had been soaked
in cylinder oil. hey?" put in still another.
We'll, srs." went on the Lunchroom
Liar. gathering himself together to make
flying leap toward the door. I've been
smoking cigars. you know. for about
twenty years-all kinds and shapes and
qualities Of cigars. But I'm here to say.
right now. that OF all the cigars I ever
smoked in my life. doggone my buttons.
that cigar out of the box that my wife
bought me was the smoothest. the cream
lest. the richest. the finest. the best
favored. the gloriousest the aromatickest.
the delightfulest, the gorgeousest, with
fragrance that made me think Of the
spices Of Arabia-a cigar for a king. gen.
tlemen. and fit for the gods. for the mat
ter Of that. and the next time ! hear a
pinhead Of a man trying to tell me that
women don't know how to buy cigars.
why
Then the Lunchroom Liar made a flying
leap out OF the place amid a shower OF
crockeryware.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-10
NNYN

batt,eship IS firing broadsides, and Teddy
darlnt is the man behind the gun"
Evidently this enthusiastic and natural
lied soul was thinking of power behind
the throne" but, Mr.. Taft not yet hav-
ing been elected, had to fall back on the
gun business instead.
Accepting this somewhat scrambled
metaphor for the purposes of argument.
would suggest that the patriot above
quoted was somewhat too circumscrtbed
in his views. 1t appears to be the general
impression Just now. Judging from the
utterances of real live republicans and
democrats with whom have talked, that
Teddy darlnt" is not only the man be-
hind the gun. but the admiral of the fleet,
the commodore of the squadron, the COM
mander of the flagship. the captain on the
bridge, the navigator in the pilothouse,
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-10

for my birthday gift. but just to sort Of
sidetrack her. I said. in an offhand kind
of way, that my tonsils were beginning
to ache me lot and that I'd been talking
to my doctor about it and that Doc had
said that II didn't blow the smoking
habit I'd be getting cancer or something.
Couldn't get by with that, though. I'd
so often threatened to stop smoking when
I really meant M-meant 1t for fifteen or
twenty minutes. that is-that she didn't
SO much as listen to me. and she kept
right on uncoiling the hint that she meant
to stake me to a birthday gift Of a box
of fumerinos.
Her idea was, you see. to Aeep me from
buying q box myself. that would dry up If
I had EN- on hand after she'd bought me
q box.
well. tried another plan. Began to
mention a lot of little things that I
needed. Said that I was q perfect bum
in the matter OF neckties. and observed
that the first time I had a chance I'd
have to be stopping of somewhere on my
way home from the ONCE and getting my
self two or three or four tasty cravats.
Never touched her. She had her mind
made up to buy me cigars. could sec
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-10

that. and cigars 1t was going to be If l
couldn't think of anything else.
Il limited around that my shaving mug
was cracked and that I'd have to be
buying a new one Then growled around
that it was a dickens Of a note that a
fellow couldn't have a decent pair OF
bath slippers. Then. thinking Of COM
bining the necessary with the superfuous,
I said that 1t was funny thing how my
hand seemed to be getting smaller in
size. because I only wore glove OF eight
and quarter size now. whereas 1 used
to wear one eight and thfee-quarters.
Wanted to get her started on the glove
buying idea for my birthday gift you see.
but the suggestion was way over her
head: never hit a single. She was for
cigars, that was plain.
II nudged in the hint that I'd seen some
DANCED neat little scarf pins down town
somewhere for dollar ninety-eight. But
that didn't get over. either; I could see
that.
II had a mental picture in my mind s
eye and my minds palate of the kind Of
cigars she'd naturally buy. you see. and
my dread of them was something awful.
Years ago, for Christmas, she bought me
a box of cigars. and 1 haven't got the
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-10

IT say. now, did you photograph MIR.
Morgan?' the secretary demanded with
as much fierceness as he could assume.
well. sure made as much Of crack
at that same stunt as 1 could with so
many portions OF your carcass in the
way" drily replied the snap shOotist.
How dare you photograph Mr.. Nor
GAM ferociously inquired the secretary.
the camera. and mentioning his CHIEF s
name in a tone Of awe. as If the juggler
of millions were of celestial origin.
''Oh. it's just part Of the days work.
that's all. little one" calmly replied
little het up himsef. Individually. you
know. l don't care any more for Mr.. Nor
gan than do for Paddy the Pig or Grand
Central Pete or Butch the Bite. But I
drifted on board this long. low. rakish
craft for the purpose of getting view
or so Of his somewhat bulgy frame. Well.
I've got one view. and I'm going to get
some others before / get OF this boat.
AS for you. I'd recommend you to fetch
that little club of yours to a parade rest
real quick. or I'll just take you by the
loose portion Of your pantalettes and
chuck you over the side. Alcwyn, even
II you were the secretary to seventeen
Morgans and a couple Of dozen Ahkounds
Of Swat besides-thats what I'll do with
you. Bright Eyes"
The officious secretary promptly SUBJ
sided. and Mr.. Morgan rushed to the
purser's room to get away from the cam
eras. But all Of the photographers
caught him with their lenses as he started
off on his dog-trot. and. with one leg In
the air and his dilapidated yachting cap
pulled down over one ear the eminent
financier In these snap shots-which were
published the following morning-only
needed a cutlass between his teeth to
resemble a glass-eating and sulphur
burning pirate OF the Spanish Main as de-
picted by Howard Pyle.
Then all OF the photographers slipped
in q body down to the space in front of
the purser's room, where Mr.. Morgan had
taken refuge. They found him seated in
a corner of the room. This corner Of the
room was in a strong light and very well
adapted for Photographic purposes. The
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-10

A westerner. a man with a well-devel-
oped sense Of humor, too. sat through a
New York musical comedy the other even
ing without being able to muster up q
solitary, single laugh from careful atten-
ton to the hopeless drivel Of which the
piece was made up.
All around him the New Workers were
rocking in their seats with noisy, almost
hysterical. mirth. Every cheap. rancid
sally OF the why does the chicken cross
the road7" variety wrought these New
Workers. to ecstacies Of laughter and ap-
plause. Jokes that were careworn when
Texas siftings and the Burlington Hawk
eye were new and novel publications
drove these New Workers. to a veritable
distraction Of hilarity. The westerner be-
gan to fear that there was something the
deaths head at the feast-a Barmecide
feast. say.
Now I wonder why this is thus?' he
inquired. anxious for enlightenment. Of
his New York entertainer after the show
What caused them to laugh SO? am
not, hope, destitute of eense Of hui
NOR. If see or hear anything worth
laughing at. why. you can hear me two
blocks. But there wasn't a spark of fun
in that show. The Jokes that were not
merely childish plays upon words were
older than Noah's first disastrous vim
tage.
1.-The dialogue was utterly witless. point
less Mellowed by a good dinner. and
with a receptive spirit. I went into that
theater eager to be amused. I am not
blase. But I didn't get a laugh for my
self Is there anything the matter with
me? And, II not, then what the dickens
allied All those people-what made them
laugh so hard?"
simplest thing in life." replied the New
Yorker. with sardonic candor. About
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-10

few hairs off the top of my head?"
Mrs. Jobson. naturally enough. told him
that she hadn't noticed 1t particularly.
"Oh. you haven't noticed it particularly,
hey?" said Mr.. Jobson. Say. what's the
use of beating about the bush that way?
Do you get any nutriment out of that sort
of evasion? You've noticed it. haven't
you?"
Mrs. Jobson replied that perhaps she
had seen that the combings of his brush
were slightly-er-well. she supposed that
1t was only natural for men Of his age
to-
"Oh. men Of my age hey" Mr.. Job
son broke out at that. That's 1t. wedge
in cracks about my age! Go right ahead!
like 1t, I'm a million nine hundred and
fourteen years and seven months and
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1908-10-10
"a

room Liar sighed heavily. while the
others at the table winked at each other
some more.
"Of course. inasmuch as my wife was
right there and waiting for me to make a
fuss over the box Of smokes. had to tell
her what a knockout with me her gift OF
the smokes was. and how I'd enjoy 'em.
and then I had to undo the package and
remove the cover Of the box and tell her
how grand the cigars smelt and what
bully ones they undoubtedly were, and go
through with all of those phony motions
and sayings.
She was just crazy. she told me. to
have me smoke the first cigar after dinner
SOS could tell her how they were.
We'll. after dinner I tried to palm a
smoke that had In my pocket and sub
stitute 1t for one that took out Of the
box. but was sort Of clumsy about IT.
and. although she didn't catch me at it. I
was afraid that the cigar I'd palmed
didn't look enough like those in the box
to permit of my getting away with 1t. and
so I was forced to smoke one OF the
cigars out Of the box she'd bought me-
Hobo. had to go through with it.
hey?" said one Of the men at the table.
''Ho-ho!"