davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-01-27

this here thrafie in tn souls tv men without payin' fir license, whin dacint citizens were putin up their good money block away an niyer a soul comin' down firm tn fort to be thraf- licked in? Did Congress pa amy at tintion to us? It did not.
 But wan day a comity iy 'adies firm tn Young Ladies' Chri5tydn Tim prance Union Wint out D th fort. They'd seen tn Colonel at th' last p'rade an they'd 1esided that twas high time they disthribute1 copies iv Death in tn Bottls, or. The Booze Fighters Finish among our fearless sojery. Whin they got up there tEey seen a large bunch iv our gallant fel- lows maBin' a dash fir an outlyln buildin,' an says wan iv thim: What can they be in such hurry fr? That must be tn chapel. Let us go in.' An in they wint. Hinnissy, tn sight that met their young an unaccustomed eyes was enough to shock even a lady loolIin' f'r throuble. Tn air was gray an blue with tn fumes iv that heejous weed that has made mankind happy though single f'r four hundherd years, an that next to alcohol Is tn greatest curse iv tn sons of Adam. Some iv tn degin'rate wretches were playin' cards, properly called tn Divvles bible; others were indulgin' in music, that lure iv the Evil Wan fir idleness, while still others were intint on tn furyous game iv dominoes, whose feet take hold on hell. But worse, still worse, they saw through their girlish spectacles dimmed with unbidden tears. F'r in front iv each iv these war rbattered vetherans shtud bottle, in some cases harly half filled, with a brownish-yellow flood with bubbles on top iv it. What was it, says ye? Hard ened as l am to dhrink iv livery kind, 1 hesitate to mintion tn wurrud. But concealment is useless Twas beer. These brave men, employed by tn tax payers iv America to defind tn hearths iv tn tax-dodger iv America, supposed be all iv us to have consicrated their lives to upholdin' tn flag, were at heart votaries, as Hogan says, iy Aloes, gawd iv beer.
 "Fr moment tn ladies sthud dumbfounded. But they did not remain long in this unladylike attichood. Tn 1HdlI WOIudH " LII uiil9 SdtiOh lC1of cred her voice an advancin' to'rd a Sergeant who was tryin' to skin pair iv fours down so that it wud look like q jack full to his inebryated opponent. she said: Me brave man, dye ralize that that bottle is full iv tn Seed iv Desthruction?' she says. T think ye'er wrong num-, says he. It's Pilsener' he says Soon or late,' she says, tn demon rum will desthroy ye,' she says. Not me- says the vethran iv thou sand enlistments. don't care fir rum. A pleasant companyon, but a gossip. It tells on ye. Tn demon rum with little iv tn demon hot water an tn demon sugar is very enticin', but 1t has a perfume to 1t that is dangerous to a marrid man like mesilf. Rum, madam, is an informer. Don't niver take it.. agree with ye that it's a demon, says he. Why says she, do ye dhrink this dhreadful poison?' says she. Because says tn brave fellow, I cant git amy thing stronger without desertin, he says.
 An they wint down to Washington to see tn Congressman. Ye know what Congressman is. I've made few right here in this barroom. Tn on'y thing a Congressman isn't afraid lv is
The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-01-27
fCopyright, 1907, by George Ade ln
 limited States and Great Britan.)

fConvripht. 1907, by George Ade Ill Tinted States and Great Britain.)
 NN NCE there was a great man VO) named Gulliver. He ,,,li1'"i lived O in Congressional District bounded on the north by the Pine Woods on the west by the Corn Belt, on the south by Chin Whlskers anu on the east by the great Onsalleu Seas of our Imperial Domain.
 He had a wife whose father laid out the first railroad through WinneDago County. .o in
 When Gulliver and his wife were In one end of their Native Burg the other end would tip up little.
 He was a Colonel on the GoVernof staff and the Official Photographer hau taken many a shot at him. ALSO ffes- ident of the Local Club and the owner of a registered Trotting Horse Wl1n Toe Weights and Binders.
 Occasionally MT. and Mrs. GulllVer wouId null off a very classy Functlon mn at the Red Brick Mansion. Ihe Honse had a Mansard Roof and a Porte Cochere, although very few used s+ ond no one tried to pronounce IL.
 livery time they Received, the Young radv with Pencils in her Hair who dld Society Happenings Tor tne Dany s Rocket would take hypooermle ol Hot Mush and then write apout l"o Columns. .o
 She knew what the Bon Ton were going to wear before the baseins Threads had been pulled, and say! sne could write about plain SmllaX uhtli you would want to put oil and vinegar on it and eat it as Salad.
 The Gullivers had a Tureen ln ohe front Hallway and any one whose cara had not been deposited in that sacred Receptacle did not belong in the swim any more than a Rabbit.
 The Gulliyers were certainly Loud Noise in their own State. Even the most prominent Families that had built on the new Avenue leading out mast the Cemetery to the Fair Grounds did not come above the shoe tops of the Gullivers.
 MT. Gulliver lost a good deal or Sleep because She who must be obeyed kept nudging him in the Back and talking about Washington. She wanted to move into larger Field, so that she could throw herself. She was getting too Speedy for a half-mile Track.
 So he began lining up the Lilliputs and organizing Machine.
 He carried few Precinct Commit teemen in his Vest Pocket. Any time the President of a Ward Club wanted to hold a confab with the great Gulli- yer he would borrow a stepladder and climb up and get on the knee Of the Man Mountain. If the latter would pat him on the head and slip him Jolly he would swell up like Breakfast Popover.
 Even the County Chairmen and the pogtmasters and the State Assembly men were pretty Small Fry when they lined up alongside of the big Battle Ship.
 wore Frock Coat on week days ana had a Bank Roll that Horse couldn iump over and controlled the Trolley System and could get Passes on almost any Trunk Line. you will understand
The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-01-27

BY F. P DUNNE


tn boastful stage. Ye told how ye called John L. Sullivan loafer in tn year eighty-eigh Hogan admitted that whin he was eight years old he was tn best debator in tn Brothers school, an reeited some iv me ad- vintures be flood an field. To'rd ilivin o'clock some wan mintioned tn death iv Bill Huggins, who passed away durin' tn Mexican War, an we had a good weep. A little later I noticed ye were broodin' over something. Ye said nawthin' fir a while an thin ye got up an ast Hogan if he meant what he said to ye while ye were waitin' to start on tn Patrick's day p'rade two years ago. At tn good woman put down her sewin' with an alarmed face an sint ye off to bed, an the party was over. Now, what dye suppose ye'er wife thought about dhrink while this here game was goin' on? If ye want to know, if ye want to know why near ly all ladies ar-re timprance rayform- CTS; stay sober ye'ersilf some night whin ye'er frinds are maxim merry. Be hivens, whin I close up this estab- lishmint iv Saturdah night afther me boon companyons have started to grope fir their varchous homes, I feel like goin' downtown an askin' to be en- rolled in tn Young Ladies' Timprance Union. do so.
 No Sir, tn ladies are not blame. They've always thried to rayform man, an they haven't got onto the fact that maybe he's not worth rayformin'. They don't undherstan' why man shuld be allowed to pizen himsilf into tn beliet that he amounts to something: but thin they don't undherstan' man. They lit- tie know what bluff he is an how 'tis on'y be fortifyin' himsilf with stuff that they regard as iv no use except to burn under a tea-kettle that he dares to go on Twin at all. He knows how good dhrink makes him look to himsilf, an he drinks. They see how it makes him look to ivrybody else, an they want to take 1t away firm him. Whin he's sober his bluff is on tn outside. Whin he's dhrunk he makes tn bluff side out as we'll as upside down, an while he's congratulatin' himsilf on tn fine man he is, tn neighbors know him f'r boaster, a cow'rd an somethin' iv a liar That tn ladies see an hate. They do not know that there is wan thing an on'y wan thing to be said in favor iv dhrink, an that is that it has caused nanny lady to be loved that otherwise might have died single
 They're all right" said MT. Hen messy. 'Tm aginst it."
 "Yes, said MT. Dooley. "Anny man is against dhrink that's iver been really against it."
The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-01-27

vers were paying eight Buck per day for a cozy Room commanding an ex- cellent View of the Ventilating Appar atus, the Ambitious Couple put their Heads together and decided that they were trying to sit into fairly High Game.
 The Income had looked like all the Money in the World when they had it out West, and it had enabled them to now a wide Swath. But when they looked at 1t here In the Millionaire Colony 1t consisted of one White Bean
 However, they were not Cutters. They decided to fuss around and see if they could not attract the attention of the Big Guns.
 By carefully pulling the Wires, the Hon. Gulliver had himself named as a Member of the Committee on Extinct Fish of North America. And whenever there was Open House at the Executive Mansion, Mrs. Gulliver found that she was just as welcome as anybody else.
 It was hard line, though, for a nat ural born Orator to sit ther week after week. gradually forgetting what his own Voice sounded like.
 And Mrs. Gulliver, who always had marched at the head of the Procession with Bass Drum was not much stuck on standing at the tail end of the Line, waiting for her Number to be called.
 Occasionally they would break into some real Doings, but they were over shadowed by the Brobdingnags or High Guys of the Official Circle and inc Dinlomatic Corps
 ural born Orator to sit there week after
 It is great privilege to move Tn Real Society, but one does not Ike to dodge restlessly about between the Legs of Cabinet Officers and other mastodonic Celebrities.
 Mrs. Gulliver had been gazed at through the Lorgnettes until she felt like the original female Wampus, whatever that is.
 She wanted the Congressman to loosen up and buy House, where she could really Entertain, and also ad- yised him to get into the Senate, so that she could put her dainty French Heel on the Necks of those who had kent her elbowed into Corner. The Gullivers went home at last, somewhat disfgured, but still Game dIQ Itduy tO obOP uP ut bhN hSAI Se1iA VI Time.
 They had seen the Big Show by peeking under the Canvas, and they were determined to beat the Game and land in among the Whales if it took a | lifetime.
 They certainly had learned lot dur | ing their sojourn at our Nations Cap | ital.
 i Back among the Lilliputs they showed up bigger than ever. Gulliver | had the nerve to wear Spats. Mrs. Gull , liver showed the Ladies of the Congre- gation how to play Bridge for real Money. Also it was commonly reported throughout the District that they served Liquor right at the Table.
 Gulliver was so high up in the Air l that he could not hear the Murmur of Discomfort down around his Ankles.
 He knew that he could pick up any one of the Lilliputs and scrunch him between the Thumb and Foretinger. 1 But he did not recall what happened to the original Gulliver when all of the
The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-01-27

There's no wan that's as much iv a timprance man as a man that's been in my business fir year. I'd give mp all tn fun I get out iv dhrinkih' man to escape tn throuble I have firm dhrunkards. Dhrink's a poison. don't deny it. I'll admit I'm no betther thin an ordinary doctor. Both iv us gives ye somethin' that cures ye iy th' idee that tn pain in yeer chestlis pnoomony iy tn lungs. If it really Is pnoomony ye go off somewhere an lie down an ayether ye cure ye'ersilf iy pnComony or tn pnoomony cures ye iv life. Dhrink niver made a man betther, but it has made nanny man think he was
The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-01-27
Gu1liVer's Travels

why the ordinary Midget toiling along at so much per Month had to lean back and look up at the mighty Gulliver.
 Mrs. Gulliver was a kind of social Pike's Peak to the common or garden variety of Married Woman who made her own Clothes and was trying to scale down the Store Bills in Order to buy a Phaeton.
 Any time she got Bid to go up to the Palatial Home of the Gullivers and play Progressive Cinch she would begin working on her Hair at 10 A. M.
 When Mrs. Gulliver read Paper on the True Significance of Pre- Raphael itism before the Thursday Afternoon Research Club she would gaze down from Serene Heights Upon the little cluster of palpitating Ladies gathered about the Ruffles of her Skirt.
 These Gullivers were like two Cali fornia Redwoods arising from the
The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-01-27

button an out pops a bottle iv Bour- bon that wud make ye'er eyes dance Whoop-een
 50 Congress passed bill abolishin' tn canteen. An it's all right now. If a sojer wants to desthroy himsilf he has to walk block. Some iv me en- terprisin colleagues in tn business have opened places convenient to th' fort, where tn bold sons iv Mars, in stead of tn corroding beer, can git annything firm sulphuric acid to knock out dhrops. l see wan iv thim stocllin' up at a dhrug store last week. If tn sojers escape tn knockout dhrops, they come down town an Dohefty
The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-01-27

three whoops whether the Navy was increased or taken In at the back, but she had a large Photo Engraving of Herself out on the floor of the Ball Room, two-stepping with the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
 By slathering two bushels of Golden Ducats and waving the Starry Banner until his Arms gave out, Gulliver was elected to represent the 'Steenth Dis trict in the Halls of Congress, and he felt about the same as King Edward did the day before the Coronation. tion.
 As he and the Lady with the Prompt Book rode toward the Rising Sun they wondered if they would be able to dodge the Reporters.
 Having arrived in Washington, they recognized the large Structure with the Dewflicker on top of it as the Arena in which Gulliver was to do his
The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-01-27

says he, what can do fir yep he says. 'Ye must save tn army firm tn malt that biteth like a wasp and stingeth like an adder says they. 'Ye bet ye'er life I will, ladies' says tn Congress- man, with a slight hiccup. I will do as ye desire. A sojer that will dhrink beer is disgrace to the American jag he says. We abolished public dhrinkin' in tn capitol he says. We done 1t to make tn Sinitors onhappy, but thim hardened tools iv predytory wealth have ordhered ink wells made in tn
 shape iv decanters. But he says tn popylar branch iv tn Naytional Legls- 1achure is not to be outdone. Ye see these panels on tn wall? I touch
The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-01-27
Passing of 3 Notable Figure.

From Harper's Weekly.
 There has been mourning for MT. Cassatt, and with abundant reason. The late president of the Pennsylvania railroad was a noble and engaging fig ure of a man. He loved to work, he loved to play, and he loved to speak the truth and do 1t. He had great abfli- ties and charming amenities. It warns the heart to dwell upon his qualities and his career. He was a sportsman who loved horses and bred them; general who planned great campaigns; an administrator, wise in ordering the concerns of one of the great railroads perhaps the greatest-of the world. But the best of him was the comblna- tion he presented of aggressive ability with aggressive integrity. He not only set out to do right himself, but to make the Pennsylvania railroad do right. To make a great railroad do right IS large contract, and it has been par ticularly large contract during the last fifteen years. That MT Cassatt sue ceeded perfectly with 1t Is not prob able-and, indeed, some rascalltles that were discovered in connection with his road are known to have caused him great distress. But he did stand out, a splendid figure, for hon esty in business and honor between men. When he came out of partial retirement, seven years ago, and aban- doned ease and amusements to be the head of the Pennsylvania road, what he really did was to enter the service of the public. He was great public servant. faithful, responsible, and true to the greater master. the people of the United States, as we'll as to the stock holders of his road.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-01-27

ground and lofty fiiphaps. They hired a Guide in Uniform to lead them around and put them wise to the gen eral Layout.
 MT. Gulliver discovered that he had been assigned to a cute little Desk, about the size of those used in the Second Reader Departmnt of Public School. As nearly as he could esti- mate, there were 4,000 of these Desks, all facing a tall Throne, occasionally occupied by an Old Gentleman about sixteen feet high.
 Mir. Gulliver could tell the difference between Congressman and a Page almost immediately, because the Pages were smooth faced.
 The Government had provided him
The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-01-27

with Pad of Paper and No. Pen ell, so that he could employ himself in making Pictures while waiting for the Speaker to discover that he had ar rived in the City
 MT. and Mrs. Gulliver were wander ing through the Corridors, little sur prised at not meeting some one they knew, when suddenly the great Build ing trembled and they were aware of the immediate presence of most col ossal and overlapping Giant. He seemed to fill out the available space in all directions. He bore down upon them and they backed against the Wall to escape being walked upon and annihilated.
 As he passed they looked up at the Massive Countenance, which bore an Expression of stern and thoughtful Melancholy. They saw the heaving Chest and measured with bulging eyes
The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-01-27

the enormous Stature of the Strange Being, the terrific upward sweep or Cleaning Forehead and the volumln- ous folds of the Toga, which was large enough for Tent.
 What is it?" asked Mrs. Gulliver, in a choking whisper.
 That is a Senator" replied the Guide.
 He came very near stepping on me-" said MT. Gulliver. Couldn't he see me?"
 "A Senator cannot see Congress- man until the Congressman has been here long enough to swing Commit tee by the Tail" was the Reply.
 q had better get out of here,' said Representative Gulliver. I never felt
The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-01-27

so puny and helpless in all my life"
 Wait until you get used to them ana they won't look quite so Big" said the Guide. "In the meantime, when you see one of them coming you had better run and hide behind Waste Basket"
 "Oh, look who's herei" suddenly ex- claimed Mrs. Gulliver, pointing through the Window.
 other huge Mortal with gray Side Whiskers approaching from the Ave nue while dozens of Department Clerks
 Her husband looked, and saw an and $6 Excursionists hurried to get out of his way.
 He was at least twenty-two feet tall and the average Government Employe could not have crawled over his In step.
 Let us go back to the tall and un- cut" said Mrs. Gulliver, who was pale
The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-01-27
Of FrIendshIp Amonq Women.
From TIarper,s Bazar.

From Harper's Bazar.
 Gan Women Be Friends?" asks George Harvey in Harper's Bazaar. Sac rifces for the sake of love of man and offspring are recorded without number, but female Davids and Damons are not readily discovered in either history or legend. Professors of Platonic affection continue to evoke jeers of incredulity, and the traditional disingenuousness of dearest friends still plays well its part in carlcature. The changeableness of woman's nature has become axiomatic. Can 1t be that, throughout the ages, even to these enlightened days, it has retained consistency in this respect alone? It suffices for us to raise tho question; to others of more certain mind we relinquish the hazardous privilege of adducing evidence and passing Judg- merltn
The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-01-27

ff0 @ ELL, Sir said MT. Dooley,
 WY T seen big Doherty run
 nin' in a sojer today, an it was fine sight. Tn sojer was firm tn County Kerry an had a thrip an Doherty is tn champeen catch.as- catch can rassler iv Camp Twinty eight. He had a little tn worst iv it, fir he cud on'y git a neck hold, tn warryor havin no slack to his pants, but he landed him at last. It was great to see thim doin' a cart-wheel down tn sthreet."
 Was tn sojer under tn inflooenee?'' asked MT. Hennessy.
 "Ye might say he was,9 said MT. Dooley. That is ye might say so if ye didn't know that tn dhrinkin' habits iv tn army have been rayformed Didn't ye know they were? They arre. Yes, Sir. Tn motto iY our brave fel- lows is now, Away, away, tn bowl. Iris "Wine fir tn thremblin' debauchee, but water, pure water, f'r me- Iris Father, dear father, come home with me now. An who did it? Who is it that improves men an makes thim more ladylike an thin quits thim but tn ladies? This here rayform was carrid out be tn Young Ladies' Chris tyan Timprance Union, no less. Ye see, twas this way. F'r nanny years it's been tn theery that dhrink an tightin' wint arm-in-arm. If ye dhrank, ye fought; if ye fought, ye dhrank to fight again. As Hogan says, Mars, who was tn gawd iv war, was no good onless he was pushed into throuble be Backis, tn gawd iv dhrink. About tn time Mars was r-reaedy to quit an go home an do tn Spring plowin Backis hand ed him a jigger iv kerosene an says: That fellow over there is leerin' at ye. Are ye goin' to stand that?' on Mars hustled in. Tn barkeeper or tn banker is behind ivry war.
 Well, in former times tn Govern. mint kept a saloon f'r tn soiers. Up at Fort Shurdan they had ginmill where tn warryors cud go an besot thimsilys with bottled beer an dominoes. It was a durable sight to see thim grim heroes, survivors iv thousand marches through tn damp sthreets on Decoration Day, settin' in these tenn pies iv hell an swillin' down tn hated cochineel that has made Milwaukee what it is. To this palace iv vice tn inthrepid definder iv his Nation $ honor hastened whin he had completed tn arjoos round iv his jooties, afther he had pressed tn Lootinant's clothes curried tn Captains horse, mended tn roof iv the Majors house, watered tn geeranyums f'r tn Colonel's wife, an written his daily letter to tn paper complainin' about tn food. There he sat and dhrank an fought over his ol' battles with tn cook an recalled tn name that he give whin he first en- listed an thried to think who it was he mario in Fort Leavenworth ontil tn bugle summoned him to tn awful car nage called supper.
 "Well, Sir, twas dhreadful. We op- posed it as much as we cud. As a dil- lygate to tn Binivolint Assocyation iv Saloon Keepers iv America I've helped to pass nanny resolutions to save our brave boys in yellow firm tn insidyous foe that robs thim iv what intellicts they show be goin into tn army. Our organization petitioned Congress time an time again to take tn Governmint out iv this vile poorsoot that was sap pin tn very vitals iv our sojery. Why, we asked shud Uncle Sam engage ill
The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-01-27

a poplar bivrage with men, but tn ladies have niver admired it much. An don't wondher. How often have I sat with Hogan an yeersilf an passed tn can an see ye'er wife lool1in' on with puzzled eyes. We'd begin per fectly cam an sinsible, but about tn third dhrink some wan iv us wud make a remark that was about funny as coffin plate, an we'd burst into howls iv laughter, beat each other on tn knee, crow an gurgle with tn tears runnin' down our cheeks. Tn good woman knew tn joke was not worth tn expinse iv dhreary smile, an twas not us, but ol' King Alcohol that was yellin at it. Afther tn jolly we got to
The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-01-27

takes care iv thim. A sojer gifts thir- teen dollars month, we'll say. Twelve dollars he can devote to dhrink an wan dollar to tn fine. Twelve times eight hundred an twelve times that well, 'tis no small item in tn coorse iv year. Whin tn Binivolint Assocya- tion iv Saloonkeepers holds it's next meeting I'm going to sind dillygates to tn Young Ladies' Christyan Timprance Union. It ought to be what tn unions call an affilyated organ -ization."
 "Oh, we'll" said Mr. Hennessy, they think they're doin' what's right"
 An they ar-re." said MT. Dooley. "Ye1l not find me deflndin' tn sellin' iv dhrink to amy man anuywhere.