The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1907-07-07
THE GENTLE CRATER
BY o. HENRY
The Hand That RlVcs the World.

wv
Copyright. 1907. bv s. S. Mcclure Co. IN United States
and Great Britain.
MANY OF our greatest men," said /,
apropos OF many things, have declared
that they owe their success to the aid and
snooura cement of a brilliant woman"
Il know" said jeff Peters. 1--we read
in history and mythology about o Of
Arc and Nine. Yale and Mrs. Caudle
and Eve and other noted females Of the past.
But, in my opinion. the woman OF to-day
is of little use in politics or business. What's
she best in, anyway? Men make the bost
socks, milliners, nurses, housekeepers,
sAnographers, clerks, hairdressers and
launderers. About the only job left that a
woman can beat n man In is female imper-
senator in vaudeville.
IL would have thought" said !, that
occasionally, anyhow. you would have
found the wit and intuition OF woman
valuable in your lines of-er-business7"
Now. wouldn't you" said JEFF, with an
emphatic nod, wouldn't you have mag
ined that? But a woman il an absolutely
unreliable partner in any straight swindle.
She's liable to turn honest on you when you
are depending pon her the most i tried
'cm once.
-Rill Humble, an old friend OF mine in
the Territories, conceived the illusion that
lie wanted to be appointed United States
Marshal. At that time me and Andy
was doing a square, legitimate business
Of selling walking canes. If you unscrewed
the head OF one and turned it up TO your
mouth q half pint Of good rye whiskey
would go trickling down your throat to re-
ward you for your act of intelligence. The
deputies was annoying me and Andy some,
and when Bill spoke to me about his oficious
aspirations l saw how his appointment
~ Marshal might help along the firm of
Peters 4 Tucker.
JET says Bill to me. you are a man
Of learning and education. besides having
knowledge and information concerning
not only rudiments put facts and attain
ments.'
81 do So says I, and I have never re-
GREETED il. / am not one says I. who
would cheaper education by making IL
free. Tell me- says !. which is Of the
most vslue TO mankind, literature or horse
racing
"'Why-er- playing the po-- mean.
Of course. the poets and the great writer's
have got the call, of course says Bill.
Exactly says I. Then why do the
master minds of finance and philanthropy
says 7. charge us 81 to get into "A racetrack
and let us into a library free? IL that
distilling into the masses, says I. "A correct
estimate of the relative value of the two
means Of ~self-culture and disorder?'
You are arguing outside of my faculties
Of sense and rhetoric says Bill. What
wanted you to do Is TO go to Washington
snd dig out this appointment for me.
haven't no ideas of cultivation and in
trigue. I'm a plain citizen; and I need
the Job. I've killed seven men, says Bill:
I've got nine children; I've been "a good
Republican ever since the first of May;
7 can't read nor write, and | see no reason
Why ] amt illegible for the office. And I
think your partner. Mr.. Tucker goes on
Bill, 'is also a man Of sufficient ingratia-
ton and connected system of mental de-
linquency to assist you in securing the
appointment. Twill give you preliminarily.'
says Bill. 81 900 for drinks, brides and
csrfare in Washington. If o land the
Job ] will pay you 81 900 more. cash down,
aud guarantee you impunity in Bookkeeping
wbiskey for twelve months. Are you
patriotic to the West enough to help me-
put this thing through the W~hitewashed
Wigwam of the Great Father of the most
eastern flag station OF the Pennsylvania
RsiIroad?' says Bill.
We'll. I talked to Andy about il. and he
liked the idea immense. Andy was a mar
OF an involved nature. He was never con-
tent TO plod along, as I was selling to TIE
peasantry some little tool like a combina-
ton steak beaten. shoe horn. marcel waver.
monkey wrench. nail file. potato masher and
Multum in Parvo tuning fork. Andy had
The artistic temper. which is not to he judged
as . preachers or a moral mans is by purely
commercial reflections. SO We accepted
Bills offer, and on for Washington.
Says / to Andy, when We got located at a
hotel on South Dakota avenue, q. s. s. W.:
Now. Andy, for the first time in our lives
we've got TO do a real dishonest act. Lobby
ing il something we've never been used To-;
but we've got to scandalize ourselves for
Bill Humble's sake. In a straight and
legitimate business says I, we could afford
to introduce a little foul play and chicanery.
but In a disorderly and heinous piece of
malpractice like this it seems to me that the
straightforward and aboveboard way is
the best. / propose says /. that we hand
over $500 of this money to the chairman Of
The national campaign committee, get a
receipt. lay the receipt on the Presidents
desk and tell him about Bill. The Presi-
dent is a man who would appreciate a can
didate who went about getting Office that
way instead OF pulling wires. ,
Andy agreed with me. but after we
talked the scheme over with the hotel clerk
we give that plan up. He told us that there
was only one way to get an appointment
in Warrington. and that was thrc ugh a
lady lobbyist. He give us the address OF
one he recommended. a Mrs. Avery, who
he said was high up In sociable and diplo-
matio rim % and circles.
The next morning at 10 o'clock me and
Andy called at her hotel. and was shown
up TO her reception room
This Mrs. Avery was a solace and a balm
TO the eyesight. She had hair the color Of
the back Of a twenty dollar gold certificate.
blue eyes and a system of beauty that would
make the girl on the cover Of a July maya
zine look like a cook on a Monongahela
coal barge.
she had on a low necked dress covered
with silver spangles. and diamond rings
and ear hobs. Her arms was bare: and abe