Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1907-08-31
Mr.. JOBSON ON FLATS

I'm getting sick of this up-An6-doWn-
stalls business, that's what" grunted Mr..
Jobson one night last week as he pulled
and wheezed into the bedroom. where Mrs
Jobson was taking down her hair and
preparing for bed.
1t was one of Mr.. Jobson's opening gunA
and. not understanding the purport OF It,
Mrs. Jobson pretended that her mouth was
too full Of hairpins to permit of her max
ing any comment.
Climbing and toiling up into the air
like blasted chimpanzee that goes to bed
in the top Of a cocoanut palm-I'm getting
tired Of that smian stuff: getting too old
for that kind Of thing Mr.. Jobson went
on grunting. as he undid his collar and tie
Mrs. Jobson. still being unable to fathom
the meaning of it. went on pretending that
she was speeches. from hairpins.
Il s'pose," went on Mr.. Jobson. noticing
her silence. that you'd be willing to live in
mud hut or pup tent or any old thing
wouldn't your When it comes to that
you sure have got everybody l know burnt
to ashes. Most ambitionless woman ever
heard or read of. Just as lief live on
board canal boat with the mules if you
were once planted on one, wouldn't your"
Il am sure" said Mrs. Jobson, tn most
agreeable tone. that 1 haven't the least
idea in the, world what you are talking
about"
Didn't suppose you would have" growl-
ed Mr.. Jobson. When l come home here
l have to talk down like as if was trying
to reach the understanding Of fouryear-
OLD young 'uns. and still you can't get hold
OF the meaning of anything I say. Well.
Just to save you any further agonizing
mental effort, Mrs. Jobson, permit me to
Put it just plainly as 1t can be put. and
in as few words: We are going to move
to fiat"
"A tiat!' exclaimed Mrs. Jobson turn
Ing from the dresser to him with an ex
preston of the most acute surprise on her
face. "A fat"
son. Don't twist your face up that way.
w atchoo trying to do-give me a faithful
imitation of one of those lava busts of an
Easter Islander on a drunk? Straighten
try and not look as If you'd been caressed
on the wrist by asphalt roller Flat.
That's what said. Flat. You've heard
Of 'em. haven't you? I don't mean a float
ing bamboo house on the Yang Use iang
river. nor Sonora 'dObe. nor an Aztec
cave in the side Of a mountain. nor a dug
out in Zambesiland. Flat. That's the
word 1 used. Perhaps you'll be willing to
.dmit that you've heard, some where or
,ther. of what fiat Is p
"Oh." said Mrs. Jobson. smiling. her
first shock or surprise having given place
10 the conviction that the fiat thing. after
i
what you mean. but l merely remembered
how you had always said how you hated
and despised and abominated fats. and. Of
course. 1 naturally thought
That 1 hated and despised and abomi-
mated fats. did you say?" broke in Mr.
Jobson. Say that again. won't you? Who?
Me-? That 1 didn't like fats, did l under
stand you to say? Say. look a-here. This
tand there and tell me thing like that.
when. for good five years at the very
least, l have been scheming and contriving
and conniving to find some way to get you
to like flats SO that 1 could move into
one Of EN-, and here you
But" interrupted Mrs. Jobson. haven't
you often said that there wasn't any sort
If privacy for folks living in flats. and
hat you'd just as soon live out on the top
# house, and that
IF ever 1 gave utterance to a mess Of
Junk like that" cut in Mr.. Jobson, sit must
have been while 1 was under the influence
II couple pounds Of stewed hasheesh
and You know it. I've been laundering, as
far back as l can remember. to duck all
If this fool business of climbing w and
Town stairs. and yanking coal up from tn ?
cellar In the winter, and stacking up d
whole lot of tons Of ashes to be sifted and
fooling around with backyard garbage that
the garbage wagon would forget to ca for
week OF so at stretch and fiZgigging
around generally in the antiquated style OF
living. when every fellow l know that wears
a hat bigger than four and three-e:ghths
size moved into Fat years and years ago"
But, mildly expostulated Mrs. Jobson
you know there are annoyances In flats
just well as there are in houses. and If
we"
Yes. and sometimes the ice machine or
the perfumed fountain on a 4C0foot white
steam yacht breaks down. but that doesn't
keep people from riding on EN- thatve got
the price" heaved in Mr.. Jobson. IF
you're willing to go on crawling up and
down breaking stai:s for the balance of
your life-and the years are not sliding
aonG any slower tor you than they are
for me, always remember that-aHd If you
like this thing of having 4 house filed with
the smell of coal gas half the time in the
cold weather, and if you're just crazy over
this dark ages scheme of eating your meals
down in an underground basement and If
YOU
But" put in Mrs. Jnbson, don't you re-
call that. about two years ago. 1 was eager
to move into fiat. and how. when l tod
you of it you said that you'd be"
No. madam" sruated Mr.. Jobson. land
l don't remember that l wrote Gray's
Elegy, or that l cleaned Jim Keene out of
nine billion dollars in Wall street. or that
was elected grand Vi2ier of the Llhama of
Tibet in 1880, or that l was burned to
death in a steambo 1t fire last week j
never mentioned the word fiat in this plant
that you didn't begin to romp and rare
around like something four-legged with
fourteen old oyster cans tied to It. I'm
going to be all moved into a flat by the LIST
toys tomorrow and go out and look for one
I'm going to run this dump for twenty min
utes or SO myself. and find out how it
feels.
I'm what part Of town do you want your
f1at?" inquired Mrs. Jobson. not with the
least notion of looking for one anywhere
but merely to satisfy her curiosity as to
whether Mr.. Jobson really had any ideas
that subject or not.
Il don't care where the fiat Is, so long as
it's handy and convenient. and all on one
floor, like the rest of flats pronounced lLr
Jobson. 1T can be in Foggy Bottoms or
Swampoodle, or the Bad Lands. or In MUIR
der Bay or in Bloodields-its all one to
ME, so long as its a fiat. Well move out
O. here on the morning of September l. Now
that's settled. Be so good to permit me
to go to sleep now. won't you?'
Mr. JobsOn awoke in quite a breezy frame
of mind on the following morning. and as
soon as he got his clothes on. he scampered
down to the back yard, braced up some
hollyhock bushes that wera leaning a bit
away from the fence. raked the backyard
grass and puttered around quite little
before breakfast. He acted good deal like
a man In the enjoyment of home life and
home comforts. and, watching him. Mrs.
Jobson was more than ever convinced that
the last thing that her spouse wanted or
needed on earth was a fat
He didn't say anything more about the
fiat at breakfast. either, and when he came
home from the Office the subject was still
mi nd hat a,,ip ,a