Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1907-06-21
TURNED THE TABLES.
A STORY OF ARTEMUS WARD
AND HENRY ]. BYRON.
The Famous Wit Started in to Have Some
Fun With the Dramatist. but Found in
the End That He Had Met His Match at
at ChaffinS

the End l hat he Had Met His Match at
at Chatting.
What follows relates to the first
meeting of the late Henry J. Byron
and Artemus Ward 1t was at the
Savage club after one of the Saturday
dinners, and Tom Robertson suggest
ed to Artemus to have tilt with By
ron and. if possible, draw him out
The genial Snowman had only been in
England few days, but he knew By
rOn's metier' and went for him in
this fashion:
fancy | have seen face like
yours before. Did you ever have a
brother Alonzo?" Robertson was be-
hind Artemus and winked at Byron.
Alas, had" replied the drama
fist, instantly catching the situation.
He was mariner, engaged on the
deep"
That's So"
You haven't heard of him for
five years?''
Byron affected to be lost in reflection
and deliberately replied: It's five
years ago this very day. How cur
iOus you should mention it, sirn'
Well, sir" replied Artemus, tax
ing out his handkerchief and pretend
ing to wipe away a tear, II sailed
the salt sea with your brother We
were wrecked together in the Gulf of
Mexico, ard before help came | killed
and ate him! The moment saw you
recognized the likeness. He was a
good fellow, full of tender feeling"
am glad you found him tender, -
interrupted Byron, also pulling out
his handkerchief. But Sir, / am
awfully sorry l ate him." said Arte-
mus in the most imperturbable fash
ion, Had / known l should ever
meet his brother am sure I'd have
gone without food some weeks longer,
but | was driven to it, and you will
forgive me, won't you? | liked AL
ONO, and he offered his hand to By
ron, which the latter shook with cor
dality.
Excuse my emotion, won't you?'
gasped Byron in his handkerchief.
He never wrote and told me what
had become of him. l hope he
agreed with YOU
A slight indigestion afterward.
He was little tough" " replied Arte-
mus, but we'll not speak of that.
We both suffered. He suffered most.
But remember, sir, the law can t
tough me now. 1t was stern necessity,
and necessity, as you may have heard,
knows no law But l am willing to
pay you damages for the loss. About
what would you think fair COM
penSatiOn?
Don't mention it," said Byron,
who now thought it time to turn the
tables. Il think your name is
Ward?" said he.
Yes"
"Artemus Ward?'
Quite so.
You had father?'
Il had"
He was a Yankee peddler in his
own country, was he not? Sold bug
pizen and fine tooth combs?"
You've hit the cOmb-I mean the
nail-on the head"
He died in the Black Country of
England, did he not?'
= He did"
well, l killed him. | knew you
were his son the moment | laid eyes
on you. He was n nice old gentle
men, and made his acquaintance in
StafiOrdShire. He wished to go down
a deep coal mine; so did l, and we
went down together, had 4 good time,
explored, lunched with the miners,
drank more than was good for us and
proceeded to return to Mother Earth's
surface. After you have been down
mine you are fond of your mother,
| assure you. The prodigal felt moth
ing to what l experienced. We en-
tered the huge basket and were be-
ing slowly drawn toward the mouth
of the pit when l saw the old rope
was about to snap under the strain.
1t was perilous, a horrible, a criti-
cal moment. The weight of two men
was too great, and poor father was
a broad, bulky man. Self-preserva-
tiOn is the first law of nature. An
instant more and we were both lost.
We seemed to be about so feet from
the top.
hastily called your fathers atten-
ton to something-implored him, in
fact-tO look down the mine. He did
SO, and as l gently tipped him over
he went whirling and crashing to the
bottom. 1t was rough on him, but
l saved myself. ciphered it out on
the instant like this: He is an old
man, nearly bald, deaf in one ear,
two teeth gone in front, with only a
few years to live. am half his age,
strong and healthy, the father of a
young family, with q career before
me, comedy to finish for the Hay
market and a burlesque accepted at
the Strand. Now, l ask you, under
the circumstances, did l not behave
nobly?"
You did!' sobbed Artemus. Il
would have acted that way myself"
am glad to find you so intelli-
gent. You ate my brother and found
him tough, and l am the assassin of
your dear old father" continued By
ron, keeping up the farce of pretend
ed emotion. We are both avenged
Let us draw a veil over the past and
never allude to these heartrending
incidents again.
Agreed. We cry quits. Shake!'
roared Artemus. extending both
hands and dramatically dashing a
flood of imaginary tears from his eyes.
Then he summoned a waiter, glasses
round were speedily ordered, and
everybody was full of congratula-
ton upon the ready manner in which
the two wits had conducted their i'm
prOmptu chatf.
OAsToEIA.
/ TksH vi