The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-09-22
Reflections of Idlers With
out the infection of Poetry.

somebody with more than ordinarily /
strong teeth who doesn't let the dealer |
open the hole. Missouris production of
extra stems was 1,151, $50, carrying a 1
value of $4,000. After all this, there
were 95 cars of surplus corncobs, whose |
value is placed at $685. They are for |
future use.
But Missouri does not confine her |
operations TO the 'tmeerschaums" en- |
tirely. The red book says that 1854
pipes were made in the state last year,
of a value of $102SO. Pipes and pipe
cleaners brought the pipe industry in
Missouri up to $429,111.
Little short of startling is the fact
that of the $4,000, 900 corncob pipes
manufactured, nearly 900 came
from Franklin county. The value Of
the county's product in this branch last
year was 1890. 4O6. Gasconade county
shipped out the other two million pipes.
Franklin sent all of the extra stems
1,151, $50.
One may not speak or write of Mis-
souri, unless one take into account the
historic, gentle but persistent county of
Pike-knOWn to some in Utah as a
birthplace. OF the 435.OO0 wooden pipes
manufactured in the state, Pike gath
cred unto itself honors for 81, 900;
Franklin had 100000.
"If you gentlemen will allow me to
butt in heb just a moment" interrupt
ed a well-dressed, business like looking
man, whom everyone had taken for a
drummer, this man that started this
talk about co'ncOb pipes got you boys
to figuring on how many, and why
and which. Now it just occurred to me
that the corncob pipe is the surest of
all sure criticisms, induces, thermom-
eters, bases of calculation, or whatever
you want to call it, for the taking OF
the government census"
THE man stopped; SO did everyone
else.
while you've been talking" con-
tinued the man, I've been figuring.
This deing duly impressed on the
minds of his listeners, he proceeded:
Now, here's my scheme to save the
government thousands and thousands
and hundreds of thousands of dollars
Instead of appointing census director
who can't direct because he doesn't
Know how even to keep a census of the
vote in his own precinct, and instead ~
having a census always about fifteen
years late, l propose that the Missouri
meerschaum' be made the basis of the
| government census How? Well see.
You folks and all the other towns
are tickled to death when the direc-
! tory comes out and says that figuring
on a multiple so and so, you have so
anu 50 IudIly people, IL you nkeu
Minneapolis, you'd find the multiple
different from Butte, and so on. This
year, I see they have cut down the
multiple in Salt Lake. Because why?
Because why they don't say, nor much
more than hint at. l asked one of these
directory sharps little while ago
what his multiple was in the Tenana,
and how he would reconcile it with the
Minneapolis and Butte and Salt Lake
multiple? He said they weren't In that
country for business yet. If they move
as slow as they do in some other parts
they never will get there, either,
reckon.
But this talk isn't to the point. The
thing I'm trying to arrive at, is this:
If a multiple goes with the directory
people in every town, why shouldn't
a record of sales of corncob pipes be
kept? If it was the multiple of pa by
which Salt Lake got multiplied and
Mr.. Polk made good, so that he could
mark down his figures some this year
and still have as many people and
more-it was expected of him, wasn't
it?
Not so with the corncob pipe. Ev-
cry corncob represents the height of
cultivation, culture, concrete conscien-
tiousness, and civilized concentration,
of force, which 1 think no one will
deny. Therefore, it represents a man,
an American man.
1--WE take our census" continued the
man with warmth, land you'll find
that for all the people you all got in
the United States, you haven't got any
more than the number of corncob
pipes served out by Missouri multiplied
by three. Now, supposing we take this
corncob pipe production of Missouri
aione-later we could reduce it down
to Franklin and Gasconade counties
and simplify it still more. if necessary
-supposing we take this corncob pipe
production Of Missouri alone and base
our national census on it.
I'VE know that everybody doesn't
smoke a corncob pipe-some light
cigarettes, but men don't count them,
they're bOys-and that, as that man
who was just heb said, there's some
renegades but there's missionaries out
and those missionaries are the alb
sence, the want, the hunger, the long
ing for the old cob pipe. So, some
may fall away and some come unto the
fold again after chasing the will o. the
wfsP, but the average remains the
same and little more. The number of
cOrncob pipes made and sold in this
country can be taken as a basis for
calculating the population, and it
wouldn't be far off-a whole lot closer
than some of the census figures they
turn out now.
Il maintain that the population
based on the corncob grounding is set
more firmly than it is on the directory
finding, which, having little to find,
finds it easily. The census men of the
government go about i'm populous
places where their 21z-cent commission
on each name comes easy, and forget
it when there's not much to turn in on
and the travelling is hard.
I'll bet you what, fellahs-gentle-
men-beg pahdon-pardon-I bet you I