The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-07-28

Hi kendaIs grocery scales showed
David Bowers weight at the end of
his eighth week on earth TO be eleven
pounds, an avoirdupOis, unless 1 have
been misinformed by a number of ma
ternal specialists, quite proper for 4
child of that age. At the end Of his
first deca1s he was still close to the
accepted standards of weigh. ard
measurement. and it was not until his
eleventh year that he began w1lhirg
with the elect in the realm Of the ex-
-traordinary.
About this time, however, with
David very crude and unfinished. Ma
ture. pToverbially the Lady Bountiful.
suddenly ran short of David Bowers
material-an awkward predicamcnt.
But the dame is nothing if not re-
sourcefui.
Abijah Long, the village Scion, who
by means of herculean effort had COM
pletely ~subjugated the cover of HIS
cracker barrel, explained her handling
of the affair as follows:
Fer sOmethin' like ten year Natur
stood on Dawes toes an pulled him
up by his ears-sOrter cold-drawed
him, like they do PLAINLY wire-till he
wuz nigh six foot high. There wuz
pesky little of him, but she spread him
out all she knOwed how. Thundera-
ton! Ever his freckles wuz pulled up
till they wuZ egg-shape. l don't
reckon" he continued, "ez Dave has
they'd be jest boun' ter make him
lumpy lookin'."
Such observations had a depressing
effect on David during the early
stages of his ~elongation, but when ridi-
cule gave place to wonderment and
speculation as to whether he might not
finally be drawn out Of sight he be-
came proud OF his -unusualness and
encouraged the idea that he possibly
lacked the usual complement of in
nerds" deeming that an added glory.
But today's joy is oft tomOrrOW's
sorrow, and David's TOMORROW" came
on that day when he first became con-
scious of the fact that he did possess
"innerds'-One at least-a Heart. The
stethoscopic medium through which he
became aware of this rather universal
organ was a certain Matilda Brown,
plump, fair and vivaciOus, and when
David had recovered from the shock
caused by his anatomical find he be-
gan counting at once, without dissimu-
lation and with no thought al first
that his lack of adipOse tissue was
any handicap.
Then again spoke the oracle of the
cracker barrel; the echO of his word
reached David and he was disquieted.
EFF that Cupid Teller hez hit Dave
Bowers remarked Abijah, 'he must
be er burned good shot. 1 read once
in er book called Ivan HO, er some
thin like that, bout er Teller ez could
split willer switches with er bow an
arrer-reckon he en- Cupid must blOng
ter tn same family. Thunderation.
Yer 1on't reckon Title Browns goin'
ter confine herself ter one hairDin, DO
yer, when she kin git er hull package
fer three cents?"
"Mebbe she will an mebbe she
won't" snOIted David, when he heard
this, but when l want information
on that pint I reckon I won't ask no
ole he-he eZ matches out all his idees
settiu' On CT cracker bar'l six days er
week. I'll go ter headquarters"
But despite this bold retort David
soon discovered that his bosom was
altogether too small to accommodate
Abijah's shaft of satire and Cupid's
dart as well-one or the other must be
plucked out. He decided, therefore, TO
go at once to headquarters, in other
words. Matilda Brown, and find cut
just how matters stood.
He chose the Saturday night before
the circus to Put his fate to the test,
and after supper he donned his Sun
day best and sought ounsel Of the
mirror. The result was not reaSSur-
ing; never before, it seemed, had he
appeared so fearfully hin
Il amt no better'n er skelertOn," he
grOaned. n then of dependency was
porn inspiration.
Undressing hastily, he went to the
chest where he kept his winter clothes
and took from it a suit of heavy I'M
derwear. This he put on n then
again his outer garments, and once
more took Ounsel of the glass, re-
ceivirg encouragement. but not full
satisfaction. Finally, upon a founda-
ton Of three suits OF winter woolens
he hung his outer apparel Love en-
dureth much.
Ills final consultation with the mir
ror was quite satisfactory; to be sure,
he looked rather queer and lumpy in
spots. but the effect as a whole was.
to David at least, rather pleasing than
otherwise.
David's domicile and the home of Ma
tilda were some distance apart, and
before he had traversed half the dis
lance the weight of his clothing and
of his errand bore heavily upon flesh
and spirit, but there was no wavering