davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Olneyville times. (Olneyville [Providence, R.I.]) 1887-1917, 1907-03-01
ARTEMUS WARDS FUN.
How the humorist Used to Win
Laughs In His Lectures.

! Laughs In His Lectures.
! However much the audience might
| laugh even 10 n tumult OF merriment
! lasting a minute or two or perhaps
! longer. Artemus Ward stood with the
gravest Dien and unmoved face. He
could not help laughing while writing
or planning a good thing but no necro-
mancer was ever more self poised
when he stood before his audience
The greatest fun OF the whole was
the manipulation OF the panorama it.
self. Things would go wrong every
now and then, and the audience would
fairly s.. cam with laughter. supposlng
Il was a mistake, while as a matter Of
fact Artcmus was always at the bot
tom OF II all.
For instance, the prairie fire would
go down at the wrong time and then
break out again when the scene il was
10 illustrate had wholly passed OF the
sick looking moon would refuse TO
stay down In the midst, while the lee
turer was apparently almost overcome
with veXatiOn and despair. Then the
wrong music would be played, and the
house would break out into roarS OF
laughter, as when he touched upon one
really pathetic recital and the piano
ground out Poor Mary Ann"
In the midst Of n really instructive
talk on the Mormon question or truly
impressive description Of the mountain
scenery around Salt lake he would
stop as if "A sudden feeling OF distress
had come over him which must be ex-
planned. and, pointing 10 an absurd
animal in the foreground Of Il picture,
he would tell the audience how he had
always tried 10 keep faith with them.
but mistakes must sometimes occur.
II have always spoken Of this animal
rs n buffalo and have always supposed
he was buffalo, but this morning my
artist came 10 me and said Mr.. Ward,
can conceal II from you no longer;
that IS a horse"" The effect was sim
ply indescriba ble.
When quiet came again, he would
seemingly become wholly lost. to ev-
erything around him as he described
some absorbing and thrilling incident,
turning II into ridicule the next minute
by the innocent and apparently merely
incidental remark, II did not see this
myself, but | had ii from a man just
a. reliable AZ / am!'-Enoch Knight In
Putnam's.
The Olneyville times. (Olneyville [Providence, R.I.]) 1887-1917, 1907-03-01
POINTED PARAGRAPHS.

II YOU must be frank, be frank with
yourself.
Every defeat develops lot of new
excuses.
Most men are optimistic as long as
things are coming their way.
Pleasing people Is like laughing. 1t
has to be done without an effort To be
effective.
The most sincere person in the world
does not mean II when he says, II
don't care"
Some people get credit for being pa
tient when the fact Is they are merely
afraid TO talk back
Some people who never recognize n
rebuff notice the slightest hint that can
he construed as an invitation.
Down at the bottom OF their hearts
most people believe a little In fortune
telling and spiritualism and the mys-
teriouS gencrally.-Atchison Globe.
The Olneyville times. (Olneyville [Providence, R.I.]) 1887-1917, 1907-03-01
A Mind ReaeIer.

One night at court ball in the
Tuiieries Napoleon Ill. was SO ntten.
tive to beautiful young woman as
20 excite comment among the other
women. At last, In response 10 a direc,
tribute 10 her beauty. she said;
"Ah. but your majesty compliments
me too much"
"How remarkable" he replied with
a twinkle in his eye, that you should
say Just what every other woman here
n thinking"
The Olneyville times. (Olneyville [Providence, R.I.]) 1887-1917, 1907-03-01
Why % Plants Grow Ereet2

Exactly why trees and other plants
grow erect has never ~ yet been def
ni,cly determined. Some of the sci
cntists have given il "A their opinion
that the phenomenon OF erect growth
was and is in some manner related 70
the action Of light. That this hyuoth"-
ais is untcnablc was proved Ivy Or.
Maxwell y Masters of England, who
found that sprouts ON green posts thou
sands cf feet underground in the mines
always assume the erect attitude.
The Olneyville times. (Olneyville [Providence, R.I.]) 1887-1917, 1907-03-01
POSTAGE STAMPS,

IL is often desired 20 separate post
age stamps that are stuck together
without destroying the gum. This can
be done by dipping the stamps In wa
ter for few seconds only, shaking OF
the excess Of water and heating with
a match as much as possible without
burning The heat expands the water
between the stamps and separates
them. 50 that they can be easily pulled
apart and are ready for use
The Olneyville times. (Olneyville [Providence, R.I.]) 1887-1917, 1907-03-01

Shopping over" to use that expressive,
but not elegant phrase, seems 20 bc char
acteristic OF those bearing the name Of Bur
chard. The speaker Of the Rhode Island
House of Representatives showed marked
ability in that line last week, when he criti-
cised Governor Higgins address on
Washington before the Assembly. Com
mon courtesy should have prevented such
an exhibition.
The Olneyville times. (Olneyville [Providence, R.I.]) 1887-1917, 1907-03-01
CLAYVILLE

Quite "A delegation of the members
Of Lafayette Lodge. |. o. o. F. went
to Central Village, Conn. with a del.
egation from Covenant Lodge OF Ash.
ton on Saturday evening TO visit a
lodge In that place. The party had
q special car and a very pleasant ev.
ening was spent with brethren
across the border.
MIR. Orison Cole and Mrs. a. Bur.
srss were united in marriage last
Vc<k by Rsv. r. L. Dueton Of North
0citusts. M. and MrS Burgess have
the cousrstuiations and best wishes
OF many friends.
The Olneyville times. (Olneyville [Providence, R.I.]) 1887-1917, 1907-03-01
PARAGRAPHS.

The propriety of Senator Aldrich intro
ducing . financial bill in Congress is very
marked. The Senator entered politics a
comparatively poor man and now he is rated
among the millionaircs. A man, who can
finance SO we'll for himself, ought to finance
we'll for the country. A great stateman is
Senator Aldrich, from the trust standpoint.
The Olneyville times. (Olneyville [Providence, R.I.]) 1887-1917, 1907-03-01
Ais Position.

Fathcr-All right. young man. You
tell RE you have declared your love 10
my daughter. but you have not said
anything OF your position. Lover tenn
barraSsed-My position. sir? Why
why. I was on my knees. as is natural.
-Dialcl Rosa.
The Olneyville times. (Olneyville [Providence, R.I.]) 1887-1917, 1907-03-01
Only One Ohisnt;on

Some sage said that life would be
tolcrable IL Il were not for its amuse.
ments." Many people give most cor.
dial assent TO this dictum. No objec.
ton can justly be made 10 Il except
that II is not true-London Saturday
Review.
The Olneyville times. (Olneyville [Providence, R.I.]) 1887-1917, 1907-03-01
uncourtsble.

Tourist Oo boy fiShing)-Hcw many
fsh have YOU caught: Boy-oh, I
couldn't count 'em. Tourist-Why, you
haven't caught any. YOU little vaga.
bond. Boy-Thats why can't count
ON
The Olneyville times. (Olneyville [Providence, R.I.]) 1887-1917, 1907-03-01

rto, erbs nre the litersture OF reason
or the statements Of absolute truth
without qualification. Like the sacred
books Of each nation. they are the sane
tuary q its intuitiops .-Emerson.
The Olneyville times. (Olneyville [Providence, R.I.]) 1887-1917, 1907-03-01

Shiverins Europe is not in love with this
inclcnent winter Of 1907. 1T is not
merely in Russia and North Germany that
the cold has been intense" says the Stats
Of London. "In southern Italy, southern
Russia and at Constantinoplc the iros, has
been unusually severe"
The Olneyville times. (Olneyville [Providence, R.I.]) 1887-1917, 1907-03-01

The days of true knighthood are not
over, as many claim. Note the following
the Paw,uxet Valley Cleaner, under the
heading Of Greene, r. l., "To our genial
post master is due the hearty thanks of his
lady friends, who were showed in and he
shoveled them out"
The Olneyville times. (Olneyville [Providence, R.I.]) 1887-1917, 1907-03-01
Had TO Do IL.

Mrs Turnhull-It's too bad your hus.
band cut of his lowing beard. Mrs.
Crlmple-Yes. he had to do t. gave
him a diamond scarfpiu for q birthday
prepept
The Olneyville times. (Olneyville [Providence, R.I.]) 1887-1917, 1907-03-01
The Waning Honeymoon.

Shc-You haven't told me once you
loved me today. IIe--And yoa haven't
asked me II loved you since the day
before yesterday. (The honeymoon.
shUddcring. saw IFS puishN
The Olneyville times. (Olneyville [Providence, R.I.]) 1887-1917, 1907-03-01

Death is friend Of cur.. and be
thst IL not ready 70 entertain him ID
not at home. Bacon.
The Olneyville times. (Olneyville [Providence, R.I.]) 1887-1917, 1907-03-01

The base ball teams are preparing to 60
South and the wild geese arc getting ready
to 20 North. Spring is surely coming.
The Olneyville times. (Olneyville [Providence, R.I.]) 1887-1917, 1907-03-01
a s,niln-iiN.

Star Boa-dcr - -hcrc's something
wrong WITH The ccTce noarlias Mis-
trcSS-Ncs. It's TO yor-Siow Rluut
tttIips
The Olneyville times. (Olneyville [Providence, R.I.]) 1887-1917, 1907-03-01

This has been great winter for the man
who inquiries, "is this cold enough for youP
The Olneyville times. (Olneyville [Providence, R.I.]) 1887-1917, 1907-03-01

The idle always have half q mind 70
Do sorethins.
The Olneyville times. (Olneyville [Providence, R.I.]) 1887-1917, 1907-03-01

Job Printing AZ the TiNvs Office
The Olneyville times. (Olneyville [Providence, R.I.]) 1887-1917, 1907-03-01

If you recall the enorn Gus advances made
in the science Of dentistry and remember
the appliances OF twenty years ago. you will
admit that more remarkable Developments
are probably only question OF time. II
should not astOnish YOU, therefore, to learn
hat the day has come when dental work
can actually be done withou, pain. Our
method is both safe and sure, and is one OF
the most remarkable developments Of re-
cent years II is new thing, but we have
had sufficient experience with il to be able
TO promise absolutely painless results
The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-09-08

It was soon broad daylight, and from one of the covers of Notre Dame Claude Frolo looked down and out upon the Place de Greve where the body Of d young girl was writhing from the glbhet-
 As he looked he laughed-a terrible laugh. such as only those who have ceased to be human can utter.
 Behind him Quasimodo stood. He heard not thls laugh but he saw it. Grasping the Archdeacon with his huge hands. he thrust him down into the abyss
 "Damnation" cried the Archdeacon as he fell Quasimodo turned his eyes to the Egyptian dangling from the gallows. At that distance he could see her quiver beneath her white robe in the last con Vusve agonies of death. Then he looked at the Archdeacon stretched at the foot of the tower. with scarcely a Vestige of the human form left to him Heaving a deep sigh, he cried: There's all I ever loved"
 They carried the body of La Esmeralda to tho common tomb for criminals at Mountfaucon. Quasimodo was never seen again. Two years after when they came to make search for the body of Oliver le Daim in the vaults of Mountfaucon, they found a misshapen male skeleton lying by the side of a female skeleton. Around the neck of the female skeleton was strung a necklace of Oriental beads with an open and empty bag attached to 1t. How Quasimodo had managed to pene- trate into the dreadful place to dle by lhe side of the body of Esmeralda was never known.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-09-08
FIGHTING AGAINST SLEEP.
Difficulties Contended With While
 Crossing the Gobi Desert.

From the North China News.
 Hitherto have thought that travel ing by carts over stony roads and stay ing in Chinese inns at night was the hardest thing a foreign traveller in China was called upon to endure, but since I have travelled with caravan of camels I have changed my opinion. The monotony of the desert by day and the bed of camels saddles at night. the evil smell of camels and the slowness of their drivers and the acrid. choking smoke of the little fire on which ones food is cooked--none of these things are so trying to the for eigners as the sleepiness which attacks one in this high region. This to mo was real torture. Travelling through the cold night with no other company than dull Chinese, who seem to sleep while walking alongside the camels or while sitting on their backs, and being weighed down by heavy sleepiness, is the worst thing I have endured.
 You sit on your horse, and, in spite of every effort, fall asleep. Presently you wake up and find yourself on the ground with your horse standing be- wildered at your side, wondering whether you are alive or dead. Then you try to keep yourself awake by walking and talking bit to the camel drivers, and you soon find that they are just as sleepy as yourself. A few words are exchanged and then you are too tired to open your mouth to talk or even to think of anything but sleep, sweet sleep. Oh, for just a few minutes there at the roadside in the soft sand. But, no, you must go on and fight against this desire. It is too dangerous to sleep by the roadside on the ground. The caravan cannot wait and your servant would not watch over you: he would soon fall asleep like yourself The wolves would then have an easy time.
 Yet. in spite of all this reasoning. you feel as if you were drawn to the ground by the power of a thousand strong magnets and soon yield to sleep again. Suddenly your watchful horse. whose reins you have kept slung aroung your neck-this Is wise thing to do-pulls up, starts, and jerks you wide awake. You jump up, not know Ing where you are for some seconds. but you see your horse trembling and realize that danger is near.
 For a few minutes you are fully awake, and feel glad and refreshed. You jump on your horse and catch up with the caravan, which has gone a few Ii Ca Il is 654 yards) ahead.
 After another ten Ii or so sleep creeps on again like huge boa con- strictor embracing you in its irresist- ible grasp. The same fight has then to be fought over again. Then at last the caravan arrives at the halting place for the night.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-09-08
His Limit.
From Harper's Weekly.

From Harper's Weekly.
 In western Kentucky town Ben Wat son had saved the life of Myra Under hill. Miss Underhill had been overturned in creek with a swift current. and the act of young Watson was a very heroic one. He had saved the life of the girl after she was sinking for the third time, and had barely strength to pull himself and the girl to shallow water.
 The news soon spread, and Ben Watson was hailed as the real. live hero of the village
 Aunt Tabby Wilson, the oldest woman in the village, the mother of the little colony, was loud in praise of the heroism Of the young man, and at once declarel that Ben and Myra must get married. Ben saved Myra's life" she said. and now they must marry and be happy ever afterward. just as they do it in the story books.'
 But Ben demurred; the arrangement did not suit him.
 why not marry Myra. Ben?" said ths old lady. "She is yours, and we must have a wedding"
 "She is a nice girl. all right" replied Ben, but I don't think we oughter mar ry. Seems to me-" he went on, T have done enough for Myra''
The Washington times., 1907-01-24
His Defense Is That He
Don't Remember Be-
ing Married.

NEW YORK, Jan, 2A.-Although a
certificate Of marriage shows the con-
uary, not 10 speak OF "A Real Pretty
Poem" and others TO a lady, Samuel
Edgar St. Amant, a Brooklyn youth
who is society editor of newspaper
chronicles the doings of the fashionable
set OF Stuyvesant Heights denies that
he is a benedict. or that If IL is true
thar he is married the ceremony took
place unknown 20 him, and when he
was under the influence OF Opiates.
ST. Amant says the first ne heard he
vas a husband was when Miss Mabel
l. Wright, daughter OF John Wright. u
wealthy shipbuilder of 129 Adeiphi
street. Brooklyn. called him up on the
telephone and told him so. adding that
she held matrimonial lien on him.
All this came out in the special term
OF the supreme court, Brooklyn, when
application was made before Judge Mar
can for counsel fee and alimCny by Mrs
81. Amant, or Miss Wright. as she in
sists on being called.
Miss Wright is "A graduate OF Erasmus
College, a basketball player and leads
the choir in 81. Edwards r. c. Church.
IL was ~ the latter place the girl who
Is not yet twenty years old. met 81.
Amant. According 70 her he fell Ia love
at first sight, and though she did not
like the poems he sent her, in time she
lost her heart and consented TO mar
riage, which. she alleges. was performed
on April 3, 1896, by Alderman Frederick
Linde ina the law office OF Merritt q Par
rot Linde was acting as St Amant' S
counsel iu a salt against the Brooklyn
Rand Transit for casualty damages.
II seems possible that ST. Amant had
other talents than that Tor poetry. for
one OF his most feeling efforts sent 20
her so Miss Wright says. was the fol
lowing.
The Washington times., 1907-01-24

business session prior 20 the banquet
Several names were proposed and
elected TO membership.
Communications expressing their re-
grot at not being able TO attend were
read from Vice President Fairbanks,
DR. Francis ]. Goodman, grand master
of the District. and former Representa-
tive j. II. Cromwell. Following a GUS
tom which mas been in vogue since the
first annual dinner. silent toasts were
drunk TO the President OF the United
States and the Grand Lodge
In a stirring address, IN which ne paid
a tribute 10 the work done by me asso-
citation, william +. Andrews, auditor OF
the Treasury, said that President
ROoseYelts character and teachings
were the highest embodiment Of the real
type OF MasOnry's teachings b. ii.
Warner spoke on the benefits derived
from character built on Masonic prin-
ciples.
Others who responded 10 toasts were
Representative NJ. D. Sperry, OF Con-
necticut. and Thomas b, Creighton, who
is the Oldest living member OF the or
ganiZation-
Fully 100 guests We're present. The
banquet committee was composed OF @.
York Al Lee. Frank n Thomas, and
Albert II. Van Dusen.
The Washington times., 1907-01-24
NARROWED
SWIM TO SAFETY
Respond to Masters Call
Heard Quarter Of
Mile Away.

COLUMBIA. No, Jan. 1f-In response
20 their masters call, heard a quarter
OF "a mile away above the roar of raging
waters iu the bIacauess OF "a stormy night
a herd OF siNly-seyeu steers, penned ia
"a lot surrounded by "a barbed wire fence.
. ieaped into the roaring stream from
the spot where they had taken their
last stand on high ground iu the middle
OF the lot. SWAN over the fence. and
swimming in a body, relched the shore
without "a single loss.
Such is the report which reached Co
lumbia from P=reLe Greek. seven miles
west Of this city. The creek, which
Joins the Missouri only "a few miles from
the point ia question. vas on a TamIage
and had flooded tine country for miles.
Frank Scott. the owner of the steers.
had previously trained them 10 come at
his calling. When the current mar0Oned
them al midnight bee rode ass close as he
could and called 90 them with The as-
founding success reported.
The Washington times., 1907-01-24
Marriage Licenses.

stephen ~ Skeen. Strasburg. Pa, and
Elizabeth Fiather. of this city
Isiah Hawkins and Lucy Thornton.
Richard Tharp and Mary Kendall,
both Of Alexandria, Va.
John o. Mitchell and Frances Y. King.
Cato Bray and Maggie Murray.
Alec y. Curley and Ollie L. Jenkins,
both OF Colonial Beach. Va.
Michael Sullivan and Nora Cahul
Lee II. Willis and Irva NJ. Anderson.
Robert A. Travis and Media Hunger
ford
Leonard F. Richards and Ge0rgana c.
Evans.
Charles Ernest Thomas and Mary E.
Young.
John H. Lipphardt and Mary r. Ellis
Edward DcshaZO Of this city, and
Susie A. Davis. OF AnacOstia. d. c.
Aubrey L. Clark and Maude V. Blaine
Howard a. Jones and Mary ]. Brauson.
The Washington times., 1907-01-24

He called at my house on April .,
the day before We were married and
said everything would be arranged for a
quiet wedding the day following. and
for me 90 be- in readiness when he tele-
phOned 10 me-
HE kept his word and i met him and
we We're legally married and 1 was
sorry for il three days later when dis
covered his love as already cooling.
then knew / would bee the uuhapplest OF
girls. and / cried all day long and finally
told my mother, who scolded me. and
said she would not permit me to live
with him
"But 7 saw him one week later, which
Is the last time ! met him. 1 hate him
now and do not want ever 10 see him
again A few days ago i received A
postal asking IL ! would Ike 10 lead
another cotiIlcu with him ID ne were
the only C1LillOU leader in Brooklyn /
would not dance with him.
-Au the alim1-y i receive from him
shall give 10 The poor box or ST. Ed
ward s.
81. Amaat lives at go Monroe street,
and admits DE met Miss Wright and
called on her several times. but denies
that he ever asked her TO marry him or
ever was married 10 her
The Washington times., 1907-01-24
GIRL MORTGAGES BODY
TO PAWNBR0kER FOR $40

DIES MONIES. Ia. Jan. 24.-In order
TO get SO with which 70 assist a sick
girl friend in Council Bluffs to return
10 her home IL this city. pretty Dottie
Morgan has mortgaged her body 70 a
paWnbroker. Her friend wrote a pitt
ful letter saying that she was dying in
the last stages OF consumption, and
longed to return 10 her home 10 spend
her last hours. but she had not the
means. Twenty-Five dollars was needed.
Dottie had SIS She hit upon a plan
10 get the rest and mOrtgaged her oWu
body
The Washington times., 1907-01-24
SUNDAY CLOSING BILL
MEETS WITH OPPOSITION

A large numbe. OF petitions against
the House bin to close on Sunday Ger
tain places of business ia the District
are being presented 10 the Senate Sen
ator Overman has lately presented sew
eral, and Senator Gearin has presented
"A large number. The bin prevents sun
day opening OF groceries or places where
provisions are sold, except from June
] until October l. It has passed the
House. and is now pending IN the Sen
ate. Each petition says Congress would
De setting "a dangerous precedent in
passing the bill
The Washington times., 1907-01-24
MAYOR OF SUNBURY
Says Pe=ru=na Is a Good
Medicine.

Hon. C.. c. Brooks, Mayor of sun
bury, Ohio, also Attorney for Farm
ers' Bank and Sunbury Building and
Loan Co., writes;
the virtue of Peruna. 1t is "a great
medicine. l have used IL and / have
known many of my friends who have
obtained beneficial results from its
use. cannot praise PeruHa 100
highly. "
The Washington times., 1907-01-24
MRS. c. A. DAVIS DIES
At AN ADVANCED AGE

Mrs. Caroline A. Davis, for more than
sixty years a resident Of this city, died
early Yesterday morning al her home.
1888 Riggs street northwest. She was
seventy-four years old and death was
caused bV old age The funeral services
will be held tomorrow
native OF Harrisburg. Pa. Mrs.
Davis came 20 Washington when a girl.
For many years she was enDl0ved as
a clerk in the Treasury Department
She retired a few wears ago, however.
A son. c. d. Davis. and a daughter
Airs. i. Is. Easily, survive her.
The Washington times., 1907-01-24
"Crool One" Asks AIimonu
From Youthful Husband:
Would Give It 10 CHARITY
A Real Pretty Poem.

INSCRIBED to Miss Mabel l.. WrighL)
Had'st thou did'st knew
What thou dids't done.
/ would have wept,
o. cro0l. crool one!
But erst ana erst.
/ thiukest true
And understand
Thou did'st not knew.
Yet OFT L yean.
Since thou hast hid'st
So far from hence.
Thou didst. thou dldst!
But why d0st seemest
Wan and faintF
D0st think me il2
i ain'L
$. T. ST. Amant.
The Washington times., 1907-01-24
WANTS SMOKE LAW PASSED
FOR SAKE OF CHILDREN

President r. Harrison Johnson. OF the
South Washington Citizens Association.
has sent a letter 10 Senator GallingeT.
chairman Of the District Committee,
urging the passage of the pending bill
10 enforce the smoke law against steam
The Washington times., 1907-01-24
MASONIC VETERANS
TOAST PRESIDENT
Association Celebrates Its
Anniversary at Eb-
bitt House.

The Masonic Veteran Association held
It's annual dinner at the Ebbitt House
last night. the event celebrating the
tWenty-ninth anniversary OF the asso-
cations organization. President George
Gibson presided. and James A, Sample
was POSTMASTER.
The members assembled in the red par
Tor at 1880 O'Clock. and held short