The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1907-08-30
HIS FINAL FLING
(Copyright, by Daily Story Pub. COD
BY W. Q. HOWET

drank all the time. He went to
sleep with a toddy and awakened for
a gin fizz. His income was generous
and his thirst was commensurate. His
money paid the rent, light, license and
labor bills OF several fiourishing sa-
looms in his city. But for Hyland
Flynge and his full-grown thirst the
saloon owners might have passed into
bankruptcy.
Not that Hyland Flynge did not
know his weakness and seek to avoid
1t. His friends tried to reform him
and Hyland tried to reform himself.
He took the pledge, took the gold-cure,
took the entire menu of reform from
soup to demi-tasse. But he always
took a relapse as a chaser to his
reform.
There was but one thing that Hy-
land Flynge loved as he did his
liquor That was his beauty. Gen.
erous nature had bestowed upon Hy-
land a face and figure designed for
a god The best tailors, the best
hatters, the most pains-taking valet
that money could procure, set off
these charms with all that was good
in their arts.
And Hyland Flynge was proud. And
Hyland Flynge was vain. Hyland
Flynge loved his beauty almost as
much as the tabled Narcissus. Which
led to the undoing of said Hyland
Flynge just as it did with Narcsssus.
One morning as the young gentle
man sat slipping his eye-opener while
his valet was dressing him for the
day, Mr.. Flynge casually glanced at
his mirror
He dropped his glass. Horrors! A
blue vein showed in his faultiessly
shaped Grecian nose! Hyland hur-
ried into his clothes and motored TO
his physician. Said physician looked
grave, played with one set of his
gray whiskers, wrote a prescription,
and separated Hyland Flynge from
small portion Of his income. He said
the vein would go away.
Hyland sped to the nearest consola-
ton parlor TO take something for his
nerves.
Next day there were two blue
veins. Mr.. Flynge repeated the act
Of the previous morning. Only he
took a little more for his nerves.
The valet put Hyland to bed that
night and many succeeding nights.
For the amount of liquid consolation
that Hyland sought in those days
was almost sufficient to float the pa
cific squadron.
One day Hyland sobered up.
When he sought his glass, that
beautifully chiseled Grecian nose re-
sembed Bavarian summer sausage.
Hyland Flynge tainted. He was
revived with water Reason told Hy-
land that, according to the law of
cause and effect, it was red liquor
that led to the red nose So Hyland
reserved a seat on the waterwSgon,
and, as for irrigating he stopped. But
said nose did not stop. Hyland took
a trip to Europe He sought the cele-
brated surgeon Dr. Ficksum, and laid
his case likewise his nose before the
scientist.
"Amputate or you die" said one.
Fieksum, NJ. "a.
But | cannot live without a nose,
said the mutilated Adonis.
An attendant hesitatingly suggested
that IL would mean a great saving in
linen and laundry but Hyland squelch-
ed him with a snort that inflated his
proboscis like toy balloon.
II will give you a new nose" said
DR.. Ficksum. Science does all things.
| whl graft new nose, beautiful as
ever on the face, Tiff you'll give
finger for ii"
Flynge thankfully remarked that
he'd gotten two fingers" so often that
the loss of one wouldn't count. SO the
operation took place. The flesh of
one finger was grated from Hyland's
hand to his face. 1t was shaped grad
ually. 1t grew beautifully. In a few
months one Hyland Flynge blossomed
out with new handmade nose. AS
thing of beauty it would have been
a JOY forever-but to proceed.
Hyland Flynge rode securely on the
water wagon until one day when an
accommodating stranger soaped the
seat. Hyland fell off the wagon with
a thump Before he got home that
night he repeated the process OF fall
ing many times.
When he awakened late the next
day, he saw lots of things he didn't
know were in the room before. He
emptied a pitcher of ice water and
then dragged himself TO his mirror.
Horrors!
The nose was there. 1t wasn't red
a bit. It's shape was perfect
But between the eyebrows, where the
grating had begun, Hyland Flynge
beheld a beautiful finger nail sprout-
ing as from the hand of a mandarin!
Into the motor car rushed Hyland.
OFF he drove to the nearest beauty
pariors.
IL want my nose manicuredi" he
shouted. then loped himself over the
arms of a chair in a very striking
faint
They took him TO sanitarium and
gave him the best of care. IL was