The Greeley tribune., 1907-07-11

EQlCOT tne 1iiouHe' N'
sir. that there is no fool so absolutely
and incurably foolish as an old fool'
| plead guilty without reservation
or stipulation. The beginning OF 1t,
with me, dates from the day joined
the Panama Contingent" some
thing more than two years ago.
Your readers will doubtless remem'
ber the event for l chronicled 1t In
YOUR columns. My retrogression has
steadily continued ever since, and l
now see the justice of that observa-
tion of the other eminent satirist,
the late Junius Juvenalis, who said
NO one ever reached the climax OF
vice at one STEP" My climax finds
me the victim Of new microbe only
lately become known to the medical
world. 1t is scientifically desig'
mated as bacillus AUTOMOBILES DAM
GUS" have it badly, with its
usual attendant symptoms; towit;-'
feverish pulse and an auto. They
tell me that no patient really
stricken with the malady ever fully
recovers from its effects; but on the
contrary is liable to get fooler and
fooler as long as life lasts or his
money holds out. Death or abJect
poverty being the only known release
of the patient from his troubles.
That is why l indulged my mania
mildly and moderately when felt
it coming on, and began very low
down in the scale in expense.
had been watching with much inter
est the antics of my friends-earlier
victims of the dread disease-and
knowing from these observations
just what the arc of my own circle
would certainly be, l desired to ap-
proach my fate by slow degrees and
easy stages. Accordingly l bought
runabout; but am already thinking
of getting a heavier, gaudier two
seated machine. In fact l may get
two of them and Of different makes.
For l notice that victims of this
microbe crave variety, and that un-
less friends intervene and succeed In
having q conservator appointed for
their estates they will frequently
buy half dozen or more. notice,
also, that l am already feeling sume-
what ashamed of my serviceable, but
moderate priced little machine, and
for that reason am now to be seen
mostly meandering up and down back
streets and alleys, or the less fire.
uuented by ways out In the country.
Sing song OF sixpence, pocket full O.
Four and tweuty autos all in row:
When the switch is closed the wires be
Lord, II but ut isn't ISM, this ride fit for any king
But the king was in the bank checking
And the queen Ias lavT vas in her bedroom pull
And the maid was in the kitchen fixin,
things for tea,
And the boy he turned the crank and tn
| dunn thing clum a tree.
Mine has not, as yet, climbed
tree, but my doctor, who is keepinl
tabs on my pulse, informs me tina
he has no doubt that it can, ant
most likely will, unless he eau man
age to get my temperature prett.
= we'll down towards normal healtl
conditions in the near future.
In the meantime, however, l an
sane enough to note the vast differ
ence 1t makes with US all from wha
standpoint we view things on thi
mundane sphere. A short time ago
for instance, / was but a mer
pedestrian of the common herd; an
then disliked above all things t
hear the honk of the internal auto
mobile coming down Oh me at
street crossing at two minute gait
thus notifying me to hump mysel
out of the way and of the earth T
d. Q. or take the consequences c
my reckless folly II failed to ODE
the order. l resented 1t, and wa
wont to slacken MY pace instead
perceptibly, purposely, not to sa
= spitefully :. and throwing myhead bac
over my shoulder would mutter l
undertone, THANK you, but | al
!. no horse, do not trot, and moreove
d am in no hurry. This is a publ
(. highway and l know my rights unde
l. the constitution. And now, eve
/ SO soon, begin to think peopl
y should practice the old game {
hop, skip and jump in their bac
=. wards in order to be in sprintin
: form when they see me coming dow
4 the street; and on the contrary the
seemingly absolute indifference I
my wishes in the matter strikes n
as the very height of impudence,
not bordering on actual criminal il
tent. Formerly I rather eniove