Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1907-07-13
MR.. JOBSON ON HEAT

! was stretched out on lounge in the sitting
room.
ut is grunted Mr.. Jobson, eff you think
SO. and II you're bound to go right along
guessing about 1t. Otherwise. it's just
about normal"
But suggested Mrs. Jobson. with I'M
usual temerity. Il feel as IL were about
to melt, and
ooh, there isn't much chance of your
melting" put in Mr.. Jobson. You're a
pretty solid Muldoon kind OF proposition
to do much melting. And, by the way,
while the summers still pretty young,
want to stake you to a suggestion that'll
help things a whole lot around here: Please
cut out these constant lamentations of
yours about the heat. It's just natural
as huckleberries when they're ripe. You
don't expect to go hiking around Washing
ton In buffalo overcoat in mid July, do
you? Well. then. stand the gait, take your
medicine. and remember that there are
other folks around. 1t isn't any fun for mo
to hang around here and hear you perpetu-
ally yammering about the heat. and
"Oh, but don't often hear you complain
about the heat and humidity-didn't you
say last night that you thought the Wash
ington climate was only fit for Zulus to
live in in the summer timer
Mr.. Jobson raised himself on one elbow on
his couch and stared hard at Mrs. Jobson
through the dimness.
Madam he remarked after a pause in
his most impressive sepulchral tone, Il
desire and request that you delete. eliminate
and eXpurgate those come-backs from your
repertoire. Theyre the punkest kind of
comedy and you were never intended by a
wise Providence to make hit at that kind
Of up-stage stuff. Me comment upon the
heat? My good woman. you're dreaming.
and you must know that you're dreaming.
Shake yourself awake. Get out Of that
trance of the rarebit fiend. Me complain of
the heat. hey? l may have done that while
picked up to the eyes with hasheesh or
never once in my life did 1t while in a
conscious state. l didn't"
why, didn't you complain when you
came home from the office last evening
that you were dripping wet. and"
Not unless / was on the verge of de-
lirium tremens. 1 didn't, and you know it,
only you're in one OF those cataleptic states
Of yours. I've never so much as opened
my head with regard to the heat not once.
since came to the shaving age. It's been
one Of my life principles never in any cir
cumstance whatsoever to plunge up and
down the world bawling about the heat
and trying to make the rest of the popula-
ton wretched. No matter what else may
be. I'm not heat-howler. I'd rather be
yegg or spark CRATER or dip or sec
| ond-story man-1d even rather be Runyan
any day in the week, than heat-chaw."
But you know very well that you've al
ways suffered
1T doesn't make any difference on earth
what l suffer. madam, l don't romp up and
down the world trying to make other peo-
pie suffer with me. I've got more reasons
for suffering than the heat. and you ought
to know about some Of them, but that
wouldn't excuse me for getting up on top
of the Colorado building and yip-yapping
about my sufferngs There are plenty of
these heat-chinners in and around Wash
fngton without your joining the tribe
III you care to Join that crew of heat
howlers. all right. but you'll have to make
change of address before you do 1t. that's
all I've got to say. I'M not going to linger
the air and talking about the heat every
minute Of the day and night? Hot? Well,
suppose 1t Is? Are you going to make it
any the less hot by sitting there clutching
Of your neck. and calling my attention to
the temperature every minute or so? What
dye expect at this season of the year
bob-sledding and pulse-warmers and a diet
OF hot mtnce pies and turkey soup? What
I need more than anything else In life is
rest and II can't get 1t here. why, there
are plenty of other places where
well. I certainly must be crazy, then"
persisted Mrs. Jobson. "but If YOU haven't
often said that Washington, In July and
August. was the hottest"
Never said anything of the kind, in the
whole course of my natural life any more
than I've said that the Eskimos fish for
pup-seals through the ice on the lakes
down in the Samoan Islands, resouteiy
broke In Mr.. Jobson Never said any
thing like that because it isn't true It
isn't any hotter in Washington in the sum-
mer time than 1t is anywhere else and If
they say so. whoever they say may be, you
can tell em that that's all in their eye.
don't expect to coast down the 18th street
hill on red sled IN the middle of the dog
days. like some folks and that's one Of the
reasons why the heat never, by any posi-
BILE chance bothers me or has the slight
est effect upon me. I'm practically immune
from the heat for the sole and single rea-
son that l refuse. l absolutely decline. to
permit the heat-if, as a matter Of fact.
there really Is such a thing as heat-to an
noy me or to get on my nerves in the
slightest degree. I just forget 1t, that g
all: say to myself that heats all in imagi-
| nation; address my thoughts to other top
les: and result. I'm what you see me
all the time during the hot weather, the
coolest human being in Washington. You
can take the tip. or leave 1t. But you can
take 1t from me that sou don't look or
over there hopping yourself with a wad Of
handkerchief and breaking out with every
other breath with some kind OF a crazy
crack about the heat. 1 wish you'd try to
get the Idea fixed in your mind that there's
somebody else living in this plant. and that
that somebody else Is at least entitled to
as much consideration as any Sicilian ba-
mana peddler gets in his home.'
Thus squnched, Mrs. Jobson went on fan
ming herself calmly. and said no more about
the heat that night.
On the following afternoon, Tuesday. Mr..
Jobson was brought home in cab by one
of his office mates.
He leaned heavily upon the arm of his
office mate and groaned audibly as he
walked from the cab to the door Of his
home. and Mrs. Jobson, who saw the cab
draw up from the front window. looked
greatly alarmed as she received her wabbly
looking spouse.
Little touch Of the heat. that's all. Mrs
Jobson." cheery explained Mr.. Jobson's
office mate, and Mr. Jobson was put to bed
with an ice-pack on top of his head while
the Jobson doctor was sent for.
I'm a goner for a sure thing-there isn't
a chance earth for me to get over this"
feebly explained Mr.. Jobson to Mrs. Jobson
after the Office mate had gone. I've got
everything arranged. however. You know
where to find my insurance papers and the
bank book. I kind O hate to pop off so
suddenly. of course. but 1t serves a man
good and right for living in such an in
fernal Gehenna as Washington in the sum
mer time"
The doctor got along presently. and told
Mr.. Jobson that he'd be all right with
good nights rest, and advised him to keep
out of the sun for few days. Mr.. Jobson
bounded out OF bed not long after daylight
on Wednesday morning and began to heave
things into his trunk.
Are we going aWay?" family incurred