davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The broad ax., 1907-06-15
Earlier 5s Younger.

In a case tried In an Indiana court
one Of the witnesses evinced some dis
inclination to state her age.
els It very necessary" coyly asked
the witness, a splnster OF uncertain
years.
at Is absolutely necessary, madam"
interposed the judge.
''Well," sighed the maiden. IF I
must l suppose I must. / don't see
how 1t could possibly affect the case,
for you see
Madam" said the Judge, with some
asperity, II must ask you not to fur
Their waste the time Of this court. Kind
ly state your age"
81 am-that Is, / was
Madam, hurry up, hurry upF ex-
claimed the judge, now thoroughly i'm
patient. Every minute makes 1t
worse, you know."-New York Times
The broad ax., 1907-06-15
I. c.hran poIInr all.

7. n. c. may be interested 20 know
that the, $40 he or she received as a
Christmas gift In 1905 is now In the
possession Of New Yorker who is try
ing hard not to spend It The Metro
politan bank passed It out a few days
ago. 1t Is a United States note. No.
Ay566 1913. and In the blank space on
the reverse side Is this typewriter
greeting:
To T. NJ. c.
Merry Christmas 1906
and many more OF
them
Perhaps 1t was T. N. c. who added
In precise handwriting on the opposite
space:
The best Of friends must part.
Auf Wiedersehen.
New York Sun.
The broad ax., 1907-06-15
HlJkg@gsa
HE WANTED MORE.

One Million Not Enough For the Work.
man Seeking q Coed Time.
A man Of extreme wealth, tired OF
taking care OF his money, went to a sc.
Guided spot on & river bridge and iump.
ed on. he was not aware that life
savers always frequent secluded spots
and that the best place to commit suI.
eide is on Broadway at noon. And
sure enough, poor workman leaped
In after him and pulled him out, cold
and shivering.
As he stood there, dripping, II oc-
CURED to the wealthy man that what
he had needed was not eternity. but
just cold bath. And he waxed crate
full.
Il am rich beyond telling" he said.
Il will grant any wish will make
real your widest hopes"
The poor workman replied instantly.
''Then give me a million dollars"
"a million dollarsT" sneered he whose
life had been saved. THAT is the east
est thing In the world. But stop a mo-
ment-consider. It was money that
made me try to kill myself. You had
better go SLOW"
"a million dollars" repeated the Door
workman stoHdly.
VERY well; you shall have It. But
since you have saved my life will
make this further OFFER: II at the end
Of three years you are not satisfied
with your bargain come to me and I
VIII do whatever else you wish"
Three years passed, and the former
poor workman came to bis benefactor's
door.
AHA, thought sor' exclaimed the
man Of great wealth. 81 knew you
would come back. You know now how
little mere money means. Now, what
can do for your
ALAS, I have found how little hap
piness can be got with a million" was
the sad reply.
~Aha, knew it!'' exclaimed the man
Of extreme wealth. "And since you
have found how little happiness can be
got with a million, what will you have
me do for You nextF
-Give me another million" replied
the former poor worknan.-Freeman
Tilden In Judge.
The broad ax., 1907-06-15
Carriage Luneheons.

Luncheon served in carriages lined
up along the curbstone Is the latest
fad introduced to Philadelphia. This
innovation was witnessed when a car
riage containing a man and a woman
fashionably dressed was stopped in
front Of a Chestnut street restaurant
The coachman got down from his seat
and FASTENED into the restaurant, and
In a short time a waiter appeared on
the sidewalk with trayful Of edibles.
The food was handed into the carriage,
and the occupants fell to eating In full
view Of passersby. The idea promises
to become popular among shoppers.
who, as a rule. find the public dining
rooms crowded Just about the time
they want their luncheon, says the
Philadelphia Record.
The broad ax., 1907-06-15
A. the Minntr.I Show.

Tambones - Mlstah Interlockcanal,
what am de difrrunce tween a genius
In de wedder brewery who dopes out
de bad wedder an fellah what gifts
Insanely angry TO a few mInnits7
Interlocutor - don't know, Tam
bones. What is the difference between
a genius In the weather bureau who
dopes out the bad weather and q fell
low who gets insanely angry for a few
mInutes7
Tambones-Why, de one has "storm
brains" an de odder has "brain
storms" Ha. ha. hal
Interlocutor Mr.. Zimmerman will
now sing They Use to Call 1t Water
on the Brain-"-Judge.
The broad ax., 1907-06-15
Leads TO Confusion.

The late A. ]. Cassatt at a dinner at
the Philadelphia Country club was
once asked his opinion Of the fashion
Of women riding horseback astride.
81 don't altogether favor this fash
ion," said Mr.. Cassatt, smiling. Il
think II leads to confusion.
81 was driving one afternoon on the
Lancaster pike when a rider was
thrown violently from a spirited bay
horse. Luckily the accident happened
In front Of a pharmacy.
"The pharmacist ran forth with his
clerk. He propped up the head Of the
unconscious rider, and, seeing a gold
cigarette case lying In the road, be
took ii I'D and read the address, p. 6.
Browne, 1917 Walnut street
Jack the pharmacist shouted to
his errand boy, telephone to Mrs.
Browne, 1917 Walnut street, that her
husband has
But Just then a tiny gold hand mir
TOR with a powder pun attachment fell
from the riders trousers pocket, and
the pharmacist called:
"T mean. Jack, to telephone to Mr..
Browne that Mrs. Browne has fallen
"But at this point the clerk, who had
been burning a feather under the rid
er's nose, tickled her lips with II, and
she smiled and murmured, Jim
Telephone Mr.. and Mrs. Browne
that Miss Browne has fallen Oh her
horse.'"
The broad ax., 1907-06-15
HUMOR OF THE HOUR
Not Her Day.

Eleanor's beauty was Of q change
able type. II her hair were becoming
y arranged and the color Of her gown
just right she was almost beautiful.
Under adverse conditions, however,
she was really homely.
One day while rushing homeward
after a visit to the dentist Eleanor IN
expectedly encountered her younger
brother In the street.
For heavens sake" he pleaded ear
nestly as the girl approached, walk
straight ahead and pretend that you
don't know me. There's a whole bunch
Of the boys coming this way. and 1t
isn't ten minutes since l told them that
you were pretty!'-Lipplncott'
The broad ax., 1907-06-15
CHOICE MISCELLANY
The Prssident's Name.

Strange as 1t may be, since Il Is
spoken every day, II not every hour,
oy peoples Of every nation, tongue and
cline, comparatively few persons give
TO the presidents name Its correct pro-
nunciation, says the Washington Her
aid. Even right here In washington
II Is more commonly called Roosevelt"
tnan anything else, while its facetious
twist into "Rosenfelt' Is not Infre-
quent Among that class OF persons
who make a stagger at giving Il its
proper pronunciation 1t becomes Rose
velt more often than anything else,
though Roosevelt" is a close second.
For the several hundredth time within
the period Of his occupancy of the
White House the president a few days
ago tried to straighten out a visitor
orthoepically In respect Of the presi-
DENTAL patronymic. He spelled it out
thus:
"Ro-zie-velt.
1T is more nearly Ro-za-velt than It
Is Ro-zie-yek," the president explained
patiently, but If l should syllable it
that way for you and you should fol-
low my spelling In an effort to convey
to others the historically correct pro-
nunciation OF my name somebody
would be sure to give the broad sound
to the "a and make it Ro-zar-velt,' so
that IT Is safer to use the diphthong fe'
In order to avoid worse confusion. So
remember that In my name the double
o is just o, the is z, and the follow
ing the Is short a."
The broad ax., 1907-06-15

HE LAY UNCONSCIOUS FOR SOME MINUTiS.
tent with an old musket, a relic Of the
civil war. He was very proud Of this
antique firearm. When 1 lived In
Scranton he was always boasting
about his prowess at sparrow shooting
with II.
zone day he took q man out with
him to show what he could do In the
sparrow shooting line. Before he set
cut he loaded the gun. he put into Ii q
half dozen screws, some rusty nails,
q handful Of buttons and a bit Of file
that happened to be lying on a rubbish
heap.
The two men came to a tree, a
great flock Of sparrows rose into the
air, and the farmer put up his gun and
let drive. The report was tremendous.
One sparrow fell, and the old man fell
too. he lay unconscious for some
minutes.
when he revived he looked at his
watch. Then he sat up, patted his gun
afectionately and said, with a content
ed smile:
She used me well this time. It
mostly takes twenty minutes to a good
half hour before come to myself; but,
BY gosh, always get my sparrow!
The broad ax., 1907-06-15
Loose Fasting.

Dr.. Edward Everett Hale at the d.
yorce reform congress In Washington
said Of certain divorce laws:
'aThe apologies put forward for these
laws remind me Of the apology that a
gourmet bishop once made during
Lent.
'The bishop happened to sit at din
ner beside an irreverent young woman.
He ate his oysters, and then, with
flashing eyes, a heightened color and
every indication Of enjoyment he fell
to upon a plate Of rich turtle soup.
ssThe young woman, watching the
bishop swallow this costly food, could
not restrain q sneer.
ct thought she said, that you fast
Cd during Lent, bishopr
'sThe bishop put down his spoon and
allowed his face to become passive.
".Ah, I do fast In Lent he said i
subsist chiefly on fish, he swallowed
a lump of meat worth about half dol
lar. Turtle he added, is a kind Of
Ash.'"
The broad ax., 1907-06-15
Proper Footaear.

For a clergyman, cloth
For tourist, rubber.
For an explorer, arctics.
For a Caucasian baby, white kid.
For a negro baby, black kid.
For a milkman, pumps.
For a book agent, canvas.
For a waiter, tipped.
For collector Of the port, custom
made.
For country lovers, oyergate-ers.
For a cheeky person, bronze.-Bohe-
mian.
The broad ax., 1907-06-15
NEW SHORT STORIES
Satisfied With Small R..uIt..

I. V. Powderiy at the Informal con-
ference Of capital and labor that An
drew Carnegie held In his Fifth avenue
mansion recently told a story about
contentment.
Contentmeut is a good thing" Mr..
Powderly began, 'but 1t should never
be carried too far. It Is discomfort,
we must always remember, that brings
about improvement.
Let me tell you q story about a too
eontented Scranton farmer.
This old man might have had a
good modern shotgun, but he was con-
The broad ax., 1907-06-15
A Mean Man.

George" chirped the young wife at
breakfast, 81 read where some loving
and poetical husband actually wrote a
poem on his wife's biscuits. Now,
dear, II you want to pay me a pretty
compliment, why don't you write q
poem on the biscuits that baker,
at would be impossible" laughed the
cruel husband.
"And why, GeorgeT
Because the biscuits you make are
50 hard they wouldn't take the ink"
And then the trouble began. - St
Louis Dispatch.
The broad ax., 1907-06-15
The Bore Rstorts.

Midnight came and still the bore re-
manned.
do you like muster" asked the
beautiful girl. just to break the mo-
notony.
"Passionately fond OF It," replied the
bore. ''In fact, music will always car
~ me away"
She rushed over to the piano and
played several popular airs.
You are still here" she said, turning
on the stool.
YES" yawned the bore.
But I thought you said music al
ways carried you awayY'
$50 did-musIc."- Chicago News.
The broad ax., 1907-06-15
TALE OF A FISH.

He whipped the stream with praetIosd
hand.
There came q whiri and swish.
And then from up the waters cool
He drew q modest
He told the tale to all his frienda
Described the tempting dish,
And entertained them with the length
OF that peculiar
b.
II grew q little day by day,
According to his wish.
Until his whole connection knew
OF that gigantic
The tale would still be going round.
But on one reckless night
He drew It out 50 very long
II strung clean out OF sight
Wilson In New York
Sun.
The broad ax., 1907-06-15
h Was Fired.

The railroad president was hearing
complaints.
what Is the charge against this
brakeman he inquired
please, SIR" responded the spOtter,
81 have frequently heard him calling
the names Of stations 80 clearly that
people could understand what he said. "
This Is a direct violation Of one Of
our chief rules" observed the president
warmly. Fire him."-Bohemian.
The broad ax., 1907-06-15
csntsn.ry ofaLott.rv Town.

In 1907 Daniel Miller laid out 200
building lots on a large tract Of land
which he owned along the Susquehan-
ma river near the mouth Of Wiconisco
creek. He numbered tickets to CORE
spond with the numbers Of the lots
and, placing them in a hat, charged
$33 a draw. The drawer became the
owner Of the lot indicated by his tick
ct. The town was called Millersburg
In honor of the founder II is located
In Dauphln county and will celebrate
its one hundredth anniversary on Sept
!, 4 and next-Philadelphia Record.
The broad ax., 1907-06-15
How He Gets Relief,

The Rev. E. W. Weber, a Maine
minister, who was located for awhile
In Georgia town As pastor Of q Uni.
versalist church, occasionally relates
this story:
He was talking with william bod.
son, ex-president Of the Georgia sen
ate.
Il suppose you feel the heat greatly
down here In the summer, don't your
Queried Mr.. Weber OF the southern
man.
well, It does get pretty warm here
sometimes" admitted Mr.. Dodson, but
every time 1 feel too warm l think of
the visit once made to Boston, and II
sends the cold shivers all over me-"
The broad ax., 1907-06-15
Just a Lesson.

81 wonder If the Bimbles are getting
poorT'
Il should say not! What makes you
think sof'
"Why, I saw Bimble turning the
wringer yesterday morning. They al
ways used to have a washerwoman."
ooh, I understand that"
Then please explain"
'WelI, Bimble told me he expected
to buy an auto, and he's taking lessons
In cranking. Plain Dealer.
The broad ax., 1907-06-15
An Admiral At Three and a Hall.

The present Marquis Of Donegal,
who Is now three and a half years old.
r. by heredity high admiral OF Tough
Neagh, a naval command dating back
to the time Of Queen Elizabeth. The
little admiral derives no pay or emolu-
ments from his office, but he has sever
al notable perquisites, among others
the right to wear the uniform Of an
admiral Of the feet and to receive an
admiraPs salute. In addition the young
marquis Is hereditary governor Of Car
rickfergus castle and Is at all times en-
titled to free quarters in that ancient
fortress.-Reader Magazine.
The broad ax., 1907-06-15
Servants and Essa

Mrs.. Phelps Stokes In an address In
New York said Of the servant ques-
ton:
SAre there not too m@ey misusses
who treat their servants as the lazy
did IN buying eggsl
This lady entered shop and SAID;
"Have you eggsr
SYes, madam said the shopman-
sweIl,' said the lady, I want q
dosen absolutely fresh eggs for myself
ana (she touched the arm Of her maid,
who stood beside herr q half dozen not
quite 90 fresh for my maid here.
The broad ax., 1907-06-15
tntompoFato.

my son, did you take anything at
the freshman dinnerr asked the stern
parent Of his youthful offspring
"Yes, father. I cannot tell q lie.
took two spoons and a napkin" he ear
nestIy replied-Harvard Lampoon-
The broad ax., 1907-06-15
Not Be q Good Match.

"why is your daughter going to talk
against the permanence Of a republic
In that college debate, Mr.. CynicusT
Because she thought the advocacy
Of q republic would not go well with
her new empire gown" - Baltimore
American.
The broad ax., 1907-06-15
French Army and Navy Pay.

The curious fact has come to light
that, while French army officers have
had their pay raised to meet growing
prices, the pay Of naval o6lcers re-
mains Just where 1t was thirty years
ago. The naval of1cer draws now con-
siderably less at home than his brother
Of corresponding grade in the army.
and the inequality becomes more GAR
ing outside France, since the army Of
icer serving abroad has his pay dOu-
bled. while that Of the naval officer re-
mains stationary.
The broad ax., 1907-06-15
How II HAPPENS.

81 have a great admiration for these
public men who are constantly fgur-
ing IN anecdotes. They appear to be
bright enough to say something clever
whenever they are interviewed"
mot at all. They are merely bright
enough always to get themselves IN
terviewed by clever reporters. '-Cleve-
land Leader.
The broad ax., 1907-06-15
Whara the Difficulty Law

A Brooklyn man has a little girl
named Ethel. who not long since gave
a birthday party. at which there was
some slight delay in providing seats
for her small friends.
Said Ethel. You see. It isn't that we
have not chairs enough. but that I
have asked too much comparative
mans Home Companion.
The broad ax., 1907-06-15
The Always AiIina Kind.

Friend-Why did you pass that man
a. a good risk? heard him tell you
he had over ten different kinds Of
chr diseases.
nee Doctor-Yes; but, you
know, those kind Of fellows never die.
Judge.
The broad ax., 1907-06-15
spendino His Wealth

Il can't last much longer, my dear"
said old Mr.. Kloseman, who was near
ing his end; but. ah! It's good to
think that even after death I'll be near
you and watch over you"
intellectually" replied the soon
to be young widow, IF that's true,
Silas, I'm afraid my extravaganza win
pain you y."-Philadelphia Press.
The broad ax., 1907-06-15
Too Severe q Test.

He says 1 am the only girl he ever
loved" said the sentimental miss.
"Well," answered Miss Cayenne,
perhaps he means it. Don't insist on
knowing whether you are the only girl
to whom he has made the same re-
marx. Star.
The broad ax., 1907-06-15

When an automobile runs over Q man.
He rants and swears a. loud a. he can
Ana feels for the skin that 70 peeled from
his face
Ana vows that his RIBS are out OF place.
But q woman don't hunt for bruises or
Just shrIeks. you chump. you've musSed
my AAiF Chicago New.
The broad ax., 1907-06-15
Didn't Blame Him.

Farmer Hayrix-I hear yore son Ze-
dekiah air maxim a name fer hisself in
the city.
Farmer Oatcake-Yaas, and / amt
blamin' him fer 1t neither. I amt
powerfully stuck on his ole name my
self, by grassI-Detroit Free Press.
The broad ax., 1907-06-15
Human Unrest.

Everybody has more or less trou-
ble."
YES" answered the observant wo-
man. "If a man can't find anything
else to worry him he goes to a ball
game and gets highly indignant at the
umpire. Star.
The broad ax., 1907-06-15
Even Poor Musie.

my daughter" said Mrs. Nexdore.
Is very fond Of music"
'Oh, veryP replied Mrs Pepprey.
"she even appears to be fond Of her
oWn.-Des Moines Register.
The broad ax., 1907-06-15
Not For Fuel.

~What does his auto burnT
II guess 1t must burn up the ground
BE gets arrested every few days Tor
speedfng. Cleveland Plain Dealer.
The broad ax., 1907-06-15

young Mr.. Jones Is 50 touchy."
"In what wayT
you know he has been refused by
20 many girls that now he gets mad II
one hands him a lemon In his tea
Baltimore American.
The broad ax., 1907-06-15

when your pa was licking you dId
you sass and fight backr'
"whatI With the circus comm next
week? You must think I'm crazyP'-
Kansas City Times.
The broad ax., 1907-06-15
Far From Il.

Dora, dearest, 1 love-
"Ohl Oh!'
do you interrupt me, Dora, because
you don't want to hear lt7'
THAT wasn't intended as an inter
rupton, George. Go ahead" - Des
Molnes Register.
The broad ax., 1907-06-15
Exhausting the Supply

Exhausting the Supply.
Il hate q gossiping woman Ike Ars.
laxative"
"she does seem to know everybody
else's business"
Yes, she never leaves anything for
another single soul to teIl"-Baltimore
American.
The broad ax., 1907-06-15
Not Ashamed of Them.

-oh, yes! He's been in Jail half a
dozen times, and he. doesn't hesitate 10
admit It."
You don't say? Has the courage Of
his convictions, ehr'-Houston Post
The broad ax., 1907-06-15

Mrs. Dashaway-Why have you new
er married?
Colonel Oldboy-By George, madam,
you surely couldn't expect me to be
such a fool as to marry a woman who
would be fool enough to marry mel
Philadelphia Press.
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1907-09-14
OWNER OF DETROIT QUITS.
Yawkey Has Spent Fortunes Irving
 to Win Pennant.

Detroit, Mich. Sept. 14.-wiIliam H. Yawkey. owner of the Detroit baseball club, and generally known as .'one of the gamest sports in a league of game sports. will retire from the ownership of the club this season.
 He will be succeeded by Secretary Frank J. Navin and Manager Hughey Jennings In the passing of Mir Yaw- key the American league loses a sportsman of the first water. Year after year he has striven to make De- troit baseball town. He has spent fortunes for ball players and has thrown out money in bundles in the effort to bring the pennant to the Michigan city; and every year he has had a deficit in his books which had to be met out of his private purse.
 For the first time since the charter was granted the Detroit club has a really successful season It is figured that the club will show a profit of sT5.000 at the end of the season. With a strong team in the city and the club making money Mr Yarkey feels that he can HOW retire grace fully and devote more tine to his ether interests
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1907-09-14
THE DIAMOND
BEATEN OUT
 IN THE NINTH
An Error and a Misjudgmen, Cost Us Dearly-Results of
 All Other Games.

Holyoke, Sept 4.-Ninth-inning rallies have been kind of hobby with Tom Dowd's family of ball play CTS all season and the public has be- come educated to the fact that it is never good policy to leave the grand stand until the last man is out, no cess may seem. So there were few departures yesterday afternoon when the final inning swung around with Waterbury bearing aloft the only tally of the tilt and Holyoke's hitting having amounted up to this time to one lone wallop. It seemed to be ill air that there was something brewing and this something arrived all right, bringing forth a run that tied the score and then pushing over another that gave the home champs the place of honor on the outfield blackboard.
 Here is the second scene in the ninth act of what was very interesting gets you yelling and cheering until your lungs are ready to burst. It was started by Lepine, who beat his way to first on pass. With Massey at bat Louie .pilfered second, wee bit of blocking of Shincel by. Massey helping to defect an otherwise socd throw. Massey then hit to Fitzpat- rick and as he went out at first Le- pine raced for third. Grubb raised d fly for O'Rourke and there were ap- peals for Slugger Burke as Baker came up for his turn.
 Two strikes and two balls had been called on the second baseman when he easiest kind of tap. Baker got away poorly at the plate, Jumping into the umpire, still O'Rourke hurried his throw, making it too low, with the result that it bounded past the out stretched Lachance, Lepine hurrying inward with the tying tally and Ba- ker making second. The swift chang3 took away some of Lefty Rogers nerve and he sank one into the groove that Boucher then belted to center, tEe second clean hit off him ill the game. AS the ball was hit, Shincel quit, toss ing off his working implements and starting for the bench. Bronkie got the hit on the first hound and made record. return to the plate, the ball reaching there ahead of Baker, but it rolled on to the grandstand as Shincel had deserted his post and the last game between the two clubs was over. The score: