davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Lamar register., 1907-11-20
HOW HE FOUND THE KEY.
Brothers Method Was Simple, but
Also Somewhat Costly.

Miss Dresswell had Just returned,
after spending a week with country
friend. Imagine her CONSERVATION
when she discovered her previously
well-stocked wardrobe empty!
Gracious, George!" she said to her
brother. Where are all my clothes?
And what in the world is that great
black patch on the lawn"
The face Of George exhibited all the
well-known signs of conscious right
eousness. and he met her gaze un-
finchingly.
MARIA" he replied consolingly, you
wrote to me that IL l wanted the key
Of the billiard room / should find 1t in
the pocket of your bolero."
Yes. yes!"
well. l don't know a bolero from a
Hchu or box pleat. SO took all the
things to the lawn and burnt them.
Then l recovered the key from the
ashes"
She froze him with stare, and he
is now thawing slowly on the kitchen
stove.-Stray Stories.
The Lamar register., 1907-11-20
COULD USE THE ROAD.
Irish Soldiers Great Idea When Cover
Was Badly Needed.

The following colloquy is said to
have actually occurred during one of
the earlier battles in the Philippines:
A detachment of American infantry,
under orders to support a section of
Capt. Reilly's battery. We're halted for
quite while on a perfectly fiat mill
tary road in full view and fine range
of the Filipino trenches. OF course. to
lie fiat on the road was the only avail
able use of cover"
In this detachment was an Irishman
who had served his time with the COL
ors in the British army before he en-
listed with Uncle Sam. AS recruit
he had been very prone to tell how the
British soldiers did everything. AS a
result he was necessarily piled with
questions as to his experiences. While
the bullets were ''plopping" down the
road and kicking up the gravel, a
young Yankee suddenly asked:
Say, Mike, what do the British SOL
diers do with their heads in a place
like this?"
Quick as fash came the retort:
"A British soldier has no head,
sorr!'
After a full two-minute pause, Mike
continued:
However, be that as it may, wish
could pick up this d road and
stan 1t on edge feminist mel"
The Lamar register., 1907-11-20
DOCTORS ORGANIZE UNION.
Toronto Physicians Fix Higher Scale
Of Prices.

Toronto, Ont.-The doctors of this
city west of Yonge street have formed
a union under the name NO. IL Ter
ritorial Division of the College of Ply
sicians and Surgeons" The objects of
the organization are to improve the
condition of the profession against
quacks. establish minimum fees and
amend lodge terms. The lowest fee
for medical examination for fraternal
societies has been fixed at 50, while
the minimum fee for minor operations
has been fixed at $40, and that for
major operations at $50. For first
visit to patient 50 hereafter will be
charged. and 81 for each subsequent
visit. while the fee for night visits will
be doubled. being fixed at SO. The
charge for an ONCE visit has been
made 81, including prescription. while
to give anesthetics S. will be charged
The Lamar register., 1907-11-20
He Paid for the Dinner.

John G. Shedd, Marshall Fields sue.
cessor in the great Chicago business
house, said recently that success and
failure were matters of luck much oft.
ener than the world supposed.
THE race" said Mr.. Shedd, "is not
always to the swiftest, nor is victor,
always to the strongest, nor great sue
cess to the most Industrious and the
most intelligent. No; luck plays its
part often. Just as it did In the case of
the three men who bet each other a tur-
key dinner. 1t was luck, pure luck.
that decided their bet.
These three men sat rather late
over their bridge at the club one night.
As they were separating they discussed
a little nervously the reception that
awaited them at their wives hands,
and, more for mischief than anything
else, they agreed that he who didn't do
what his wife told him on getting home
should have to treat the others to n
turkey dinner.
We'll, the first man, after reaching
his house, stumbled about In the dark
bedroom till he kicked the cat. The
cat squealed, and the mans wife. rails.
ing her head from the pillow moanedk
Well. go on; kill the poor cat and
have done with it.
Inc man 1rOWneu ana muttereu 10
himself:
It's a case of kill the cat or pay
for the dinner
so he killed the cat.
1.-THE second man, on his arrival.
could not find any matches. AS. he
looked for some in the drawing room
he bumped against the piano. and his
wife complained:
Why don't you break the piano,
careless"
Determined not to lose his bet. the
man got Ratchet and the sound of
crashing blows soon filled the house.
1.-THE third man, getting home. stun
bled on the way upstairs. His wife
screamed angrily:
Go on, fall downstairs and break
your neck, dol
= Not me, said the third man, after
a moments thought. III pay for the
turkey dinner
The Lamar register., 1907-11-20

A teacher in tenement district hur-
ried from the school to find the mother
of pupil who had been taken quite
i'll.
Can you show me where Mrs. An
gelo Scandale lives?" she inquired of
a cherub transplanted from the sunny
south to dark, sunless alley.
Yes. teach. show you." and a will
ing. sticky hand dragged her on with
such speed as to make her stumble
over an italian dame seated on the
threshold.
After the teachers breathless flight
toward the clouds, the little hand
stopped Juggling.
There where Mees Scandale live"
indicated the horizontal arm and fin
ger, but she downstair sitting on the
step" finished the smiling lips
Harper's Magazine.
The Lamar register., 1907-11-20

Professor Ogden Chalmers Lorimer,
Toledo's veteran educator. is one OF
the few remaining schoolmasters who
still cling to corporal punishment.
Il believe in corporal punishment,
he said stoutly. III recent address.
II take no stock in moral suasion.
Good. healthy boys under moral sua'
sion have too free time Of it. They
get out Of hand.
There Is a friend of mine," said
Professor Lorimer, with a grim smile,
who is raising a family of six boys
with the help of moral suasion. The
mild little chap argued about the mat
ter the other night at a club.
And do you believe said l. that
moral suasion is better than corporal
punishment for big. lusty boys like
yours?'
Yes said my friend.
For may part, I sneered.
And do you mean to say that you
have never whipped your boys?'
asked.
AS true as I sit here my friend
declared earnestly, I have never
struck one of my children except in
self-defense.'
The Lamar register., 1907-11-20
Wants Parcels Post.

Norfolk, Va.-The American Fedora
ton of Labor Friday adopted resolu
lions as follows:
Dill Getting its executive committee to
use every influence to bring about &C
ton by Congress increasing postoffice
clerks pay.
Starting action to expedite and sys
tematize the regulation Of convict la
Dor. f
Calling upon Congress for a small
parcels post law as relief from the
express monopoly"
Authorizing the executive council to
deal with the questions of appointing
organizers to teach immigrants in their
own language the ideas of unionism
and asking that the theatrical syndi-
Gates" be included as amenable under
the antitrust laws Sin restraint OF
trade"
The Lamar register., 1907-11-20
MIssed His Vocation,

Reginald de Koven, the composer,
tells of grocer and a druggist who at
tended Wagner concert. AS the pro-
gram did not please them they began
talking on music in general and on
Wagner in particular.
Another example of the fact that
every man wants to do something
out Of his line.". said the druggist.
That's all right" assented the gro
Ger. Now, I'm grocer, but I've al
ways wanted to be banker"
You'd probably fall" added the
druggist Look at me. I'm success
as druggist, yet I've always wanted
to write a book. This man Wagner
tries his hand at music. Just listen
to It,. And yet we all know he builds
good parlor cars!"-Success.
The Lamar register., 1907-11-20
FOUR SHAFTS OF HuMoR.
Pithy Remarks from One Of the Fore
most Jokesmiths.

With the truly artistic tempera-
ment the bird in the bush has scant
notion of doubling its value by chang
ing to the hand.
A has-been is n man who has spent
his time with hair vigors, electric
brushes and newspaper recipes. when
he should have been winning a laurel
wreath to cover his ignominy with.
When you enter a shop state Just
what you want. For then the mer-
chant can go intelligently to work to
sell you something else. The great
law of commerce is to sell people
what they don't want. What they do
want will sell itself.
But, probably 1t is no harder to live
up to your reputation when you are
young than 1t will be to live 1t down
when you are older.-Puck.
The Lamar register., 1907-11-20
ITCHING RASH 10 YEARS.
Girls Rash Spread and Grew Woree
Under Specialists Care-Perfeet
Cure by Cuticura Remedies.

when my daughter was baby she
had breaking out behind the ears.
The doctor said that she would out
grow 1t. and 1t did get somewhat bet
ter until she was about fifteen years
old, and after that she could get moth
ing that would drive 1t away. She was
always applying something in the way
of salves. 1t troubled her behind the
knees. opposite the elbows. back of
the neck and ears. under the chin. and
then 1t got on the face. That was
about three years ago. She took treat
ment with a specialist and seemed to
get worse all the time. We were then
advised to try the Cuticura Remedies.
and now don't see any breaking out.
M. Curley. 11.19 Sixteenth ST., Bay
City. Mich, May 20. 1906"
The Lamar register., 1907-11-20

When the jury had filed in for at
least the fourth time, with no sign of
coming to an agreement in the bribery
case. the disguised judge rose up and
said: II discharge this jury"
At this, one sensitive talesman.
stung to the quick by this abrupt and
ill-sounding decision. obstinately faced
the judge.
You can't discharge me, judge!" he
retorted.
why not?" asked the astonished
judge.
Because" announced the talesman.
pointing to the defendants lawyer,
I'm being paid by that man there!"-
Lippincott's.
The Lamar register., 1907-11-20

In Dean Ramsay's book of anecdotes
there is one which refers to CONVEX
sation between Scotch minister and
a sexton. The minister was a stranger
to the gravemaker, and discussed with
him the doctrines of the neighboring
clergy. AS one after another was men,
toned the sexton wagged his head
gloomily, and said: Hes no sound"
At last the minister-who was long
winded and rather empty preacher
mentioned his own name. and in
quired: Mr.. - now, isn't he
sound?" 90. aye" said the sexton.
sound"
The Lamar register., 1907-11-20
His Word Not Good.

John and Jim agreed to settle a
difference by fighting 1t out. 1t was
understood that whoever wanted to
quit should cry 'nough!" John got
I'm down and was hammering him
soundly, when Jim cried 'nough!"
But John paid no attention to his cry
and kept on pounding him. Again and
again Jim called out "'nough! But
John paid no heed and kept busy with
his fists. A boy standing near asked:
why don't you let the Teller up?
He's yelled 'nough!"
But he's such a liar you can't be-
lieve him"
The Lamar register., 1907-11-20
SCHOOL TEACHERS
Also Have Things to Learn.

For many years l have used coffee
effect upon the human system writes
a veteran school teacher.
Ten years ago was obliged to give
up my much loyed work in the public
schools after years of continuous la
Dor. had developed a well defined
case of chronic coffee poisoning. :.
"The troubles were constipation,
f1utterings of the heart, a humping
in the top Of my head and various
parts of my body. twitching of my
limbs. shaking of my head. and. at
times after exertion, general gone"
feeling with toper's desire for very
strong coffee. l was nervous wreck
for years.
"A short time ago friends came to
visit us and they brought package of
Postum with them, and urged me to
try it. I was prejudiced because some
years ago l had drunk a cup of weak,
tasteless stuff called Postum which
did not like at all.
This time, however, my friend
made the Postum according to direc-
lions on the package, and it won me
Suddenly I found myself improving in
most decided fashion.
1.-THE odor of boiling coffee no long
err tempts me. ! am SO. greatly bene-
flied by Postum that if continue to
improve as 1 am now. I'll begin to
think have found the Fountain of
Perpetual Youth. This is no fancy
letter but stubborn facts which 1 am
glad to make known"
Name given by Postum Co.. Battle
Creek, Mich. Read the book. 1.-THE Road
to MELVILLE" in pkgs. There's Rea-
gon"
The Lamar register., 1907-11-20
FREE TO OUR READERS.

Write Murine Eye Remedy Co.. Chi
cago, for 4S-page illustrated Eye Book
and II this paper is mentioned they
will send you Free Bottle Murine for
Your Eyes. Write all about Your Eye
Trouble and their Oculists will advise
as to the proper Application of the
Murine Eye Remedies in Your Special
Case. Your Druggist will tell you that
Murine Cures Eyes. Makes Weak
Eyes Strong. Doesn't Smart. Soothes
Eye Pain. Aids those Wearing
Glasses and Sells for SOC.
The Lamar register., 1907-11-20

A one-armed man sat down to his
MONDAY luncheon in a little restaur-
ant the other day. and seated on the
right of him was a big, sympathetic
individual from the rural district.
The big fellow noticed his neigh
boris left sleeve hanging loose and
kept cycling him in a sort of how-did-
it-happen way. The one-armed man
failed to break the ice. but continued
to keep busy with his one hand sup
plying the inner man.
At last the inquisitive one on the
right could stand 1t no longer. He
changed his position little, cleared
his throat and said: Il see, sir, you
have lost an arm
Whereupon the unfortunate man
picked up the empty sleeve with his
right hand. peered into it. looked up
with surprised expression. and said:
by George, sir. you're right"
You can make one kind of an i'm
preston by following a statement with
an apology, but 1t will not be a good
one.
The Lamar register., 1907-11-20
Grand Valley Canal.

Grand Junction.-In mass meeting
held in this city Friday night citizens
and landowners, of the Grand valley
unanimously accepted the proposition
of Secretary of the Interior Garfield to
construct the High Line canal at a
cost of 81, 100000. Garfield laid down
two propositions. One was that the
government should withdraw segrega-
ton and announce definitely that the
ditch would not be constructed. The
other was for the secretary to begin
surveys and acquire rights of way to
build the canal. The second proposal
was the one accepted.
The Lamar register., 1907-11-20

The rubberneck wagon, filed with
sightseers. was approaching st. Luke's
hospital. says the New York Times. A
white-haired woman stood in the
grounds. and near her man was
using a lawn mower.
There" said the barker. with a
swing Of his arm toward the hospital,
lis st. Luke's hospital. one of the most
noted in the metropolis. The white.
haired lady is one of the nurses, and
there you see st. Luke himself cutting
the grass"
The Lamar register., 1907-11-20
DOCTORS IN GRAND JURY NET.
Two Indicted In Iowa for Conspiracy
to Force an independent Physi-
clan from a Surgical Case.

Waverly, lathe Bremner county
grand jury, which a few weeks ago
indicted fourteen members of the coun-
ty medical association, alleging viola
ton of the antitrust law, recently re-
ported additional indictments against
DR.. w. A. Rohlf and DIR. o. l.. Chaffee
on the general ground of conspiracy.
Their alleged offense was of forcing
an independent doctor from a surgi-
cal case, in which he as well as one Of
the accused doctors had been en-
ployed. after he had refused to sign
the union scale.
The Lamar register., 1907-11-20
STATE OF ONO. crrr OF roL.po. =.

STATE OF I oMS; e cogr9 9' TOLEDO SIS.
FRANK j. CHENEY makes oath that he 10 senior
partner of tho arm of r. J. CHENEY Co., doing
business in the City Of Toledo. County and State
Aforesaid and that said nrm will pay the sum Of
ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS for each and every
of CArARRH that cannot be cured by the use Of
HALLS CATARRH CURE.
FRANK J. CHENEY.
Sworn to before and subscribed In my presence,
this 9Th day of December. A. D., 1855.
1...t sorAnr ru...o.
Hairs Catarrh Cure 10 taken internally and acts
directly the blood md mucous surfaces Of the
system. Send for testimonials. free.
FL. CHENEY q CO., Toledo, o.
Bold by all Druggists, 15c.
Take Halls Family Pills for constipation.
The Lamar register., 1907-11-20
Where Legislature Meets Every Year.

There are now only six states in
the United States whose legislatures
meet every year. In the others the
legislatures meet only once in two
years. and this is true of the great
states of Pennsylvania and Illinois.
Only the legislatures of New York,
New Jersey, Massachusetts. Georgia.
South Carolina and Rhode Island meet
once a year.
The Lamar register., 1907-11-20
Envy.

Think of the patient. uncomplain-
ing industry of the busy bee," said
the man who makes perfunctory eff
forts to be cheerful.
1.-THE busy bee." replied the business
man, has no occasion to complain.
He is one of the few manufacturers
who are not being bothered constantly
by the tariff or the pure food laws
Washington Star.
The Lamar register., 1907-11-20

q pioneer of Colo
RADIO, now living at
218 East Nebraska
Street, Blair. Neb..
says: Il had such
pains in my back
for a long time that
I could not turn
in bed, and at times
there was an almost
total stoppage Of
The Lamar register., 1907-11-20

II you are afflicted with Asthma
write me at once and learn of some
thing for which you will be grateful
the rest of your life. Rev. ]. r. RAIDER.
S22 Broadway, Denver, Colo.
The Lamar register., 1907-11-20

the urine. My wife and l have both
used Doan's Kidney Pills for what doc
tors diagnosed as advanced kidney
troubles. and both of us have been
completely cured"
Sold by all dealers. 80 cents box.
-Milburn Co., Buffalo. N. Y.
The Lamar register., 1907-11-20

Before the trial of suit for dam
ages was begun in a London court the
other day it was remarked incidental
ly that the defendant. laundry pro-
prietor, had been dead IL years.
The Lamar register., 1907-11-20

why does the farm boy beat the
city boy so often?"
That's easy"
Lets have the answer"
1.-THE little red schoolhouse offers
better curriculum than does the little
red theater comique."-CourierJo
nal
The Lamar register., 1907-11-20
Very Proper Place.

81 see by the papers that they have
had another monkey dinner at New
port
What of it," Where else would
they have it?"-Chicago Journal.
The Lamar register., 1907-11-20

The Squirrel-Do you think there
is anything in the belief about luck
being attached to your left hind foot?
The Rabbit-Well, I'm sure that II
/ hadn't had mine with me awhile ago
1 wouldn't have been able to give
that dog the slip.-Pittsburg Press.
The Lamar register., 1907-11-20
She Knew Why7

Daughter-Father went OF in good
humor this morning.
Mother-My! That reminds me.
forgot to ask him for any money.-New
York Christian Advocate.
The Lamar register., 1907-11-20

A poor but otherwise strictly hon.
est man says that the worst thing
about riches is not having any.
The Lamar register., 1907-11-20

Stella-So she eloped with the
chauffeur?
Bella-Yes, but the fines brought 1t
up to the cost of an ordinary wedding.
New York Sun.
The Lamar register., 1907-11-20
VETERAN OF THREE WARS.
A Pioneer of Colorado and Nebraska

Matthias Campbell, veteran of the
civil war and two Indian wars, and
The Lamar register., 1907-11-20

Unfortunately. finding fault isn't SO
difficult as looking for a needle in a
haystack.
The Lamar register., 1907-11-20

Greater virtues are needed to bear
good fortune than bad.-La Rochefou.
cauld.
Baxter Springs news. [volume] (Baxter Springs, Kan.) 1882-1919, 1907-08-08

King H. Malone. The man behind the gun. 8
Americus times-recorder. [volume] (Americus, Ga.) 1891-current, 1907-12-27
LEAP YEAR A BOON
TO WIDOWS CLUB

CHICAGO, ILL, Dec. 20 (SpeciaD
The Chisago Widows Club at its
second meeting at the home of its
founder, Mrs Marie Russell, voted
unanimously that its members might
take advantage of traditional leap
year privileges in 1908 and propose
to the men they would like to marry.
Leap year stock was further boost
ed by the report given by both Mrs.
Russell and by Mrs Cloa A. Parker,
organizer of the Devotees of the Mys-
tic Shrine, the rival of the Widows
Club. Both said today that the
popularity of their clubs demands the
formation of branches all over the
city. Mrs. Russell was especially en-
thusiastic.
81 have had letters from so many
widows and from so many unmarried
woman and men," she said, that ]
have decided to branch out. My
daughter next week will organize
young woman's branch, and | in
tend to have the west side branch of
the Widows Club organized before
New Years.
"Of course leap year has a good
deal to do with our plans" added Mrs.
Russell What's the use trying to
keep that a secret? Every woman
realizes the significance, but the men
are SLOW"
Americus times-recorder. [volume] (Americus, Ga.) 1891-current, 1907-12-27
HARVEST OF JAGS WAS
REAPtD BY THE COPS
Busy Session of Police
Court.

The loyal subjects of King Gam
brinus presented a formidable array
in police court yesterday morning,
when His Honor assembled the throne
and Grand Vizier Feagin presented the
royal mace For the police had been
exceedingly agile the day before, and
the coop down stairs was full to
overlooking with white, yellow and
black 'pickups" of the yuletime sea-
son, the latter predominating in the
color scheme. Christmas morning
opened with twenty-five prisoners
locked in the barracks, and numerous
additions were made during the day
and night A total of nearly a hun
dred cases, including those who had
popped cannon crackers not wisely
but too Well, filled the police docket
yesterday morning with the result
that the session extended into the af-
ternoon ere the last case was tried
and Chief Feagin balanced the gate
money. Many were the penitential
tales told by the remorseful jewellers,
and they fell not upon deaf ears as
His Honor was lenient under the cir
cumstances The session brought
forth many phases of life and was
well worth an hour spent there lis
tening to the explanations Of how
the side stopper fell from grace with
the police in the role Of catcher.
Americus times-recorder. [volume] (Americus, Ga.) 1891-current, 1907-12-27
MANY ARE LIABLE FOR
TAXES IN JANUARY
Special Tax On Lines of
Business.

Many Americas citizens will have
to register before next Wednesday,
January LIST, in the Office of the ordi-
nary here, as required by the State
law, and pay license for doing certain
lines of business. The registration
fee is one dollar, while the tax re-
quired on various lines of business is
as follows: photographers, $40; loan
agents, $40; pool tables $40; Skat-
ing rink, $25; insurance agents or
firm of agents SO; general agent,
life or fire $50; pistols or cartridge
dealer, $25; packing houses $50; soda
fountain, each draught arm So; Gig
arctic or cigarette paper $25; soda
bottling works SIS; real estate agents
$40; electric shows, per month So;
bicycle dealers, $10 corporation tax,
capital not exceeding $4,000 So;
corporation tax, capital not exceed
ing 100000, $40.