davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-07-21
BY o. HENRY
Copyright. 1907. by S. S. Mcclure Co)

He does. says she, but he's one
of The gentlemen that's been comm to
see me about the advertisement and
he won't marry me unless / give him
the $4,000 His name is William Will
kinson.' And then she goes off again
in the agitatiOns and Mysteries of TO
nance.
Mrs TrOtter.' says l. there's no
man more sympathetic with a wO-
mans affections that / am. Besides.
YOU was once a life partner of one Of
my best friends. Il it was left to me
I'd say take the g. 600 and the man
of your choice and be happy.
'' We could afford 10 do that be-
"aUse we have cleared ND over $1,000
from these suckers that wanted to
marry You. But says ], Andy Tuck
er IS to be consulted.
He is a good man. but keen in
business. He is my equal partner
financially. I will talk to Andy says /.
and see what can be done.
u goes back to our hOted and lays
the case before Andy.
- was expecting something like
This all the time says Andy. You
can't trust q woman to stick by you
IN any scheme that involves her emo
tons ana preferences.
Its a sid thing Andy says 7, TO
think that we've been the cause or
the breaking Of a woman's heart
1T is says Andy, and I'll tell you
what I'm willing To do. JEFF. You've
always been 4 man of soft and gen.
prous heart and disposition. Perhaps
I've been too hard and worldly and
suspicious. For. once I'll meet you
hale way. Go to Mrs. Trotter and tell
her to draw the s. 1000 from the bank
and give il 10 this man she's infatudt-
cd with and be happy
Il jumps UD and shakes Andy
hand fer Eve minutes and then ] goes
back to Mrs Trotter and tells her
And she cries as hard for joy as she
did for sorrow.
Two DAYS afterward me and Andy
packs up TO go.
Is Wouldn't YOU like To go down and
meet Mrs Trotter once more before
we Ieave?' I asks him. shed like
mighty to know you and TO express her
nnconiums and gratitude
.. WIKI. I guess not says Andy l
auess we'd better hurry and catch that
train
I was strapping our capital around
me in money belt like we always
carried it. when Andy pulls a roll of
large bills out of his pocket and asks
me to put 'em with the rest.
e What's this2' SAYS ].
ITS Mrs. Trotters $4,000 says
Andy.
How do you come to have it"
asks
%" She gave it to me- says Andy. 7
have. been calling on her three even
/ iugs a week for more than month.
"'Then you arc William wilkinson
/ says I
u vas says Andy"
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-07-21

come III here f'r dhrink and knowledge.
l watch the pa-apers close FIR tn day
whin I'll see: Mighty throng cheers
peerless GUmdhrop to victhry.' In
stead iv that 1 see: 'Gumdhrop. of
badly, got a poor ride was knocked out
iv his sthride at tn turn an had no
speed TIL next week it's: 'Gumdhrop.
off well, was badly handled Thin:
'Camp'ny too fast fr Gumdhrop' An
finally; Glue wurruks Elimination
Thvile; fr horses that we're betther
dead: thirty dollars added; selling:
Gmdhrop ran like tn dog he is an
finished absolutely last. An tn next
winter l run acrost this item in tn
pa-apers:
Few iv tn nanny spoortin' men
who pass through tn union deepo ivry
day on their way to wurruk know that
GUmdhrop IN wanst mighty king iv
tn turf is now connected with wan iv
tn cabs near tn main entrance an
can be seen hidin' his bushes in a
nose bag. TIL former mighty son iv a
worthy sire is owned by 1. DCherty,
who bet much money on him an ma
chrally has a great affection fr him.
He says he is almost even with him
now an soon expects to shoot him.
An so they go. TIL turf romances
don't last long. There are more kings
an queens iv tn turf in wan season
thin there are presidents iv France, an
that's a good NANNY. But it's a grand
spoort. an which Hogan asked me to 20
an see it l whit, Twas wan iv these
fine summers days whin We feel like
flannel shirt in tn wash. an ! was
Wondhrin' what shape I'd be in whin
cooled. Hogan burst through tn dure
with a telescope hung round his neck
an says he: Why dye stick indures
such a day? Come out an breathe tn
fresh air. he says, an injye tn spooTt
iv kings. I've got a good thing in tn
first race he says. Not he says, that
] care annythin' about that Bettin' is
tn poorest feature iv racin'. 'Tis tn
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-07-21

usin this here great enterprise FIR til
improvement iv tn breed iv horses to
skin money out " these onfOrchnit pub
fishers. But so it was. An they were
dom it in tn meanest way ye can
imagine, FIR ivry wan ~ these pilferers
had private information that tn book
makers cUdden't get hold iv on account
iv tn confined nature " their employ
ment. Some iv them had got it out iv
tn mornin' pa-apers, some iv them had
bought it f'r five cents firm d spy on tn
thrain. an others had dhreamed il.
I'm sorry to say that Hogan was tn
says ]. It is that, Hogan. I'll go
home with money in me ears he says.
An he fought his way up to where a
poor fellow iv a thribe long prosecuted
be our so-calIed civilization was alb
sent-mindedly BLOWN on dimon ring
to cool it off. What are ye gOin' to do?'
says l. 'Tincan can't lose in tn first
race says Hogan. 1 got it straight
firm tn stable But says l, is this
right? Here ye have be supeeryor cum
ming gained private knowledge be
means iv which We are goin' to deprive
wan iv ye'er fellow men " his little saw
ings Is it just? says !. is it fair? Is
it hon'rable? Is it manly?' He gave
no heed to what 1 said, but called out:
Ten on Tincan.' TIL poor fellow looked
far away an remarked to a young
friend who was settin' alongside as he
dropped Hogans ten on a pile iv Cor
tilyou's masterpieces in tn 1ure:
Thirteen thousand to ten, Tincan,
Maxey. I'm afraid we're goin' to have
another shower an have no top on me
autymobiTl'
We wint up in tn grand stand to see
tn race. They're at TIL post says Ho-
gan. 'Where?' says l. over there.
says he. pointin' to where a group of
horses were kickin' each other. That
wan near tn fence is Tincan. He's in
good spirits, says he. He is that,
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-07-21

open air, III fresh breezes, tn clear sky.
tn crowds iv happy, careless people
spendin' Il day free firm care an worry
midst he says, pleasant surroundings,
he says, 'watchin tn mighty heroes iv
tn turf contindin' FIR gin'rous masthry,
an ne says, maybe bringin' in a lit
tie money FIR Hogan he says.
so I whit Coin to tn sport iv
kings, Hinnissy, is much tn same as
goin to a picnic " the Steamftters'
union. We rode on a sthreet car as long
as they'd let us FIR cents an thin we
that's been kindly lent to tn passenger
department be tn gineral freight agent
FIR tn occasion. An away we bumped
TIL car was filed TO tn dew point with
what Hogan calls vOthries iv tn spoOrt
iv kings. I thought I recognized some
fellow members iv tn Retail Liquor
Dealers Prot sctive an Binivolent Asso-
cyation an rot a few customers Nv tn
same All tn arrystOcTacy an gintry
had their coats off. Fair women added
gayety to tn scene. Nanny iv thin
were just off their private yachts an
still had on their yachtin caps Their
faces were flushed with happiness an
wore tn pelased but hunted expression
iv mothers that have busted into baby
bank with a can opener.
I'VE moved cheerily along through TIL
pleasant suburban scenery with vistas
Nv tn packin' house, Broderick,s glue
facthry. tn palachal homes iv TIL bone
dust Industry an smilin' miles iv city
dumps. As / hung airily to a pair iv
blue suspinders in front iv me while a
patrician behind me used me back FIR
desk to mark his program, ] heerd tn
flow iv light an careless conversation.
He'll win if they haven't poisoned him.
L lose eighty on him last. time. If /
don't get it back today therell be new
face at tn cashiers window Hello,
Mike, whin did We get out?' An so on.
"A typical light-hearted holiday crowd,
says /, putin me watch in me boot.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-07-21
By F. p. Dunno
Copyright. 1907, by H H Mcclure & Coz

says l. How happy he seems. Look
he thinks tn race is tn other way
round. Now that fellow has caught him
an is towing him up to tn start An
other man is beItin' him with a whip
Now he's thried to bite his jockeys leg
off Now he's kickin' tn horse next Il
him. Glory he, but he's tn fine mettIe-
some crather- Did We liver think iv buy
in him an keeping him in tn house?
says L Hogan made no reply but give
a low painful moan: They're off. Firm
that time an ] was savin' me new hat
firm tn purple parasol iv tn lady set
tin next to me. Tn moment tn race
started she threw off all reserve an
NANNY IL her hair pins an began batin'
me new hat. Come on says tn lady.
Come on. you FinkydO. Come on, you
seal. Oh, you Finkydo,' says she.
lashin' away at me new hat. An thin
she swOOned away That's all | seen iv
the race. 1 looked over. at Hogan. His
face was light green i'm color He was
II uliiBtAA NB Mo HltStdiu WIFI Wall
hand an twistin button on his coat
with tn other. An I left him there an
wint away to find a place where me
new hat wudden't be in danger.
Il found it over in a corner iv tn
cOOrse where tn owner iv tn thrack
was settin' in tn shade " tn fence
readin' tn advertisements iv his new
copper mine. l knew him we'll He owns
tn Temple iv Chance where Hogan
whites away his salary in tn winter
Why amt We out lookin' at tn horses
rum says /. L don't like horse rae
in says he My wurruk is through
whin I've counted up tn box office
Amt We INTERESTED in improvin' tn
breed iv horses? says l. No more,
says he. thin [ am in improvin' tn
breed " faro boxes. can't see amy
diff renee between thin. They're only
another way iv honest men gettin
what's comm to thin. Take ye'er
frind Hogan. He thinks he's INTERESTED
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-07-21

"Whim we arrived at tn thrack I
felt me heart beatin' fast. If We niver
saw race thrack. Hinnissy, We can
hardly imagine what it looks like. How
can L describe it to We beyond sayin'
that it is something like a coal yard.
Picture, if We will, miles on miles iv
stately board fence, some iv it tasteful
ly painted brown an some iv it taste
fully not painted at all. Outside are tn
handsome stables, or We might say,
sheds. where tn equine heroes ar-rc
nourished fr their thriles iv speed an
endurance. 1t was me happiness to see
tn nursry iv tn mighty Running Yet
who wudve won tn Blithers if he
hadn't got respondent about tn odds.
Inside tn scene was even more fas-
cinatin A gentle breeze blew acrost
tn swamp in tn middle iv tn coorse
firm tn adjacent switch yard. Tn sun
was reflected in a thousand mud pud-
dies on tn coorse. The grand stand
was filled with happy people, yellin':
Set down there Why don't we look
where ye're goin' I'll knock ye'er
block off, bo, if ye're not careful.
What dye hear?' 'Tomorrah honest
We can take me watch if we don't be-
Iieve me- An enormous foorce iv po-
lismen were busy rescuin' vast hordes
iv pickpockets firm tn bettin' ring. TIL
ninety bartenders were wurrukin' like
tn fire department at a fire in a lard
facthry. 1t was fine.
"'Where ar-re tn hoTses?' says l..
oh. niver mind thim,' says Hogan.
Let's go in an look at tn odds An
he bundled me into tn bettin' ring.
Most iv tn gintlemen I'd met on tn
thrain an a few more were there. What
we're they doin'? Ye can't guess. Ye
niver wuld imagine it. They were in tn
bettin' ring to take tn money away
firm tn bookmakers. NVud We believe
it that there shud be people so lost to
tn beauties iv nature an so lackin' in
tn spirit iv sport that they shud be
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-07-21

in tn horses. But what he's raaly in
thrested in is whether me young an
entherprisin' colleague Nose Einstcin
vii! give him back his ten an some be
sides. Ye didn't see amy difference in
his expression whin Tincan lost today
an whin tn swim spot lost last win
Their. tbs all tn same me boy. Close
up that there betting ring an ye'd have
more people at wan iv Ibsen's plays
thin at race thrack. If tn varchous
farmer down tn state didn't support his
country fairs with little pool selIin'
in tn throtters. I'd subdivide this here
t rack an sell tn lots to tn pathrons
iv tn bucket shops. Has Hogan lost
much so. far?' He's lost tn on'y bet
he's made says l. He's dom very
well FIR Hogan, says he.
Il suppose We can't stop people firm
gambling. ] don't know that / wud if
I cUd. 1t seems to take their minds off
tn more coarse ways iv maxim money.
like wurTuk an business. Money is a
very pleasant thing to have an tits too
bad whin We have to ASSOCIATE such Il
delightful household companion with
gettin' UD arly in tn mornin' an car
ryin' bod all day or selIin' a dollar an
q hglfs worth " shoes f'r two dollars.
But tn money We get be gambling has
no such ASSOCIATIONS. 1t thrips lightly
an laUghingly up to We, We keep it
around with We fr day or two an
thin it goes back home. TIL money We
make be wurruk is like a member iv tn
family. Ye feel responsible fr it, Ye
don't like to see it go out nights. But
tn money We make be gamblin is like a
visitor that's on'y goin' TO stay awhile
an that frequently asks ye out to have
a drink"
well said Hennessy, I've heerd it
said that all life's d gamble
1t is" said Mr.. Dooley, but it amt
a bad idee whin We set into tn game to
Iarn how to play it an to cut tn cards
deep
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-07-21
Mr.. Dooley on the Sport of Kings

Have We liver been to a horse race
Mr.. Hennessy asked
''Wanst," said Mr. DOOley, an wanst
only. But mind We 1 know about rae
in. I've got to. I'd lose a great deal
in thrade if I wasn't expert in ivry
branch ~ human knowledge. They talk
about colledge professors ben' undher-
paid. But how about us retail liquor
dealers? \ colledge professor spills
careless thoughts out his head to mere
childher that don't dare to fight back.
Ye niver heeTd " misinfOrmed grad
yate returnin' afther five years to
whack his professor in tn eye because
he'd been taught that a man can make
Il fortune writin' pOthry f'r tn pa-apers.
But my classes ARE composed fv able
bodied men. many " thin far advanced
in dhrink. an I've got to know what
I'm taIkin' about, an that's hard, an
I've got to know what they're talkin'
about, an that's almost impossible.
so I've followed tn racin' news an
! know about tn performances iv tn
kings and queens iv tn turf. In tn
spring l r-read: Forty thousand peo-
pie yisterdah acclaimed tn great
Gumdhrop, mighty son IL a worthy sire,
King ov tn turf. Hats off to Gumdhrop.
Wearin' binders an a muzzle to keep
him firm jumpin' over tn fence or atm
III starter an mercilessly dashed be
that peerless jockey little Billy Finn,
1 h'monarch iy tn spOort iv kings be
supreme burst iv speed vanqushed tn
gallant Stuff ii an tn sturdy Picked
be-night an even compelled tn hither-
10 invincible Maud II. Schmittschmitt
TO bow her lovely head in defeat. At
Their tn race tn proud owner iv tn
mighty son iv a worthy sire, A. Bliff,
former prince iv wire tappers. rayfused
three miIlyon dollars FIR this mighty
son iv worthy sire.
AT wanst me attention is centered
on Gumdhrop. l talk good deal about
him to wayfarin' spoortin' men who
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-07-21

Gone on says l. 'V'"'y" been cT-
pectinG you. We've got tno goods.
How was Teddy when sou ioft Wash
ington?'
Il took him down to the Riverview
hotel and had him shake hands with
Mrs. Trottsr. Then I showed him her
hank book with the $1,000 to her
credit
1t seems to be all right says the
secret service.
1T is says l. and if you are not
married man. I'll leave you to talk
while with the lady. We won't men,
ton the 81
" Thanks" says he, if ! wasn't I
might. Good day. MIR. Peters
Toward the end of three months we
had taken in something over $4,000
and we saw it was time to quit. We
had hood many complaints made to
us; and Mrs. TrOtter seemed to be tired
of the job. A good many sUitOTs had
been calling to see her and she didn't
seem to like that.
so we decided to pull out and I goes
down to Mrs. Trotters hotel to pay her
last weeks wages and say farewell and
get her check for the s., 600
when / got there ] found her cry
ing like kid that didn't want to go to
school.
Now, now, says I. what's it all
about Somebody sassed YOU or are
you getting hOmesick?'
g No. Mr.. Peters says she. I'll tell
you. You was always friend of
Zeke's and ] don't mind. Mr.. Peters,
I'm in love. l love a man just SO hard
/ can't bear not to get him. He's just
the ideal I've always had in mind
Then take him. says I, that is, if
it's a mutual case. Does he return
the sentiment according to the speci-
ficatiOns and painfulness you have de-
scribed?'
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-07-21

legal letter OF the law the article sold
must De existent visible pToducible.
In that way and by careful study OF
city ordinances and train schedules
have kept out of all trouble with the
police that a five dollar DILL and cigar
could not square. Now, to work this
scheme, we've got 20 be able 20 pro-
duce bodily a charming widow or its
equivalent without the beauty, heredi-
taments and appurtenances set forth
in the catalogue and writ of errors, or
hereafter be held by a justice of the
peace,
We'll, says Andy, reconstruing mis-
mind, maybe it would be safer III case
the postoffice or the peace commission
should try to investigate our agency.
But where he says, could you hope
to ind a widow who would waste time
on a matrimonial scheme that had no
matrimOny in it.?
Il told Andy that 1 thought I knew
of the exact party. An old friend of
mine, Zeke Trotter, who used to draw
soda water and teeth in a tent show,
had made his wife widow a year be-
fore by drinking some dyspepsia cure
of the old doctors instead of the Iini-
ment that he always got boozed up on.
l used to stop at their house often, and
| thought we could get her to work
with US.
Is this an honest deal you are put
ting on, Mr.. Peters,? she asks me
when / tell her what we want.
Mrs. Trotter,' says /, Andy Tucker
and me have computed the calculation
that 1000 men I'm this broad and I'M
fair country will endeavor to secure
your fair hand and ostensible money
and property through our advertise
ment Out of that number, something
like thirty hundred will expect to give
you in exchange, if they should win
you, the carcass of a lazy and mer-
cenary loafer, a failure in lffe-a swim
der and contemplate fortune seeker.
Ne and Andy says /. propose to
teach these prayers upon society a les
son. II was with difficulty says I.
that me and Andy could refrain from
forming a corporation under the title
the Great Moral and MilIenniaI Malev-
client Matrimonial Agency. Does that
satisfy your
1T does. Mr.. Peters she says. 4
might have known you wouldn't have
gone into anything that wasn't oppro-
bTiOus. But what will my duties be?
DO have to reject personally these
5000 ramscallions you speak of. or can
throw them out in lunches?
Your job, Mrs. Trotter.' saws I. /
viii be practically a cynosurc. You
viii live n a quiet hotel ard will have /
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-07-21

suit or whatever fraction Of suit
thoy may be wearing. In that case you
win probably be put to the inConven-
'clcc of kicking them out face to face.
sc viii pay you SO 4 week and hotel
expenses
Give me five minutes says Mrs.
TTotteT. to get my powder rag and
leave the front door key with a neigh
Dor and you can let my salary begin
so ! conveys Mrs. Trotter to Cairo
and establishes her in family hotel
far enough away from me and An
dy's quarters to be unsuspicious and
available, and I tell Andy.
g Great. says Andy, and now that
your conscience is appeased as to the
tangibility and proximity of the bait.
and leaving mutton aside, suppose we
reyenoo a moo fish
so we began TO insert our adver-
tisement in newspapers covering the
country far and wide. One ad was all
We used. We couldn't have used more
without hiring so many clerks and
maTcelled parapnernalia that the
sound of the gum chewing would have
disturbed the postmaster general.
We placed $1,000 in a bank to Mrs
Trotter's credit and gave her the book
10 show in case anybody might ques-
ton the honesty and good faith of the
agency. l knew Mrs. Trotter was on
the square and reliable, and it was
safe to leave it in her name.
with that one ad Andy and me put
i'm twelve hours a day answering let
terS
About 100 a day was what came in.
I never knew there were so many
l5rCe-hearted but INDECENT men in the
country who were willing to acquire
e charming widow and assume the
burden Of investing her money.
Most of them admitted that they
IAN principally to whiskers and lost
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-07-21
The Exact Science
of Matrinony

Az 4 have 1old you before, said
JBn Pe1s1,S, II never had much conf
denpe IN the TF.rfidiUHsness Of woman.
AS PARTNERS CIR oo-edurBtUTs in the
most innocent line OF graft they are
not trustworthy"
They deserve the compliment, .
said l. 81 think they deserve to be
called the honest sex
Why shouldn't they be-" said Jeff.
They've gUt the other sex either
grating or working overtime for EN-
They're all right in business until they
get their emotions or their hair touched
up too much Then you want TO have
a fiai-foOted fhesvy-brea1hing man
with sandy WfiskeTS- five kids and a
building and lDan mortgage ready as
an U1de1s1uny 10 take her desk Now
there Wac thai widow lady that me
and Andy Tucker engaged to help US
in that little matrimonial agency
scheme we fioated out in Cairo.
When you've got enough advertis-
ing capital-say, a roll as big as the
little end of a wagon tOngue-there is
money in matrimonial agencies. We
had about $4,000 and we expected to
double it in two months. which is
about as long as a scheme like ours
can be carried on without taking out a
New Jersey charter
We fixed up an advertisement that
read something like this:
Charming widow, beautiful, home
loving, 30 years, possessing $1,000
cash and owning valuable country
property. would rem AIRY. Would pre-
fer poor man with affectiOnate dis
position to one with means, as she re-
alizes that the sOlidest virtues are
often to be found in the humble walks
Of life. No objection to elderly man
ar one of homely appearance if faith
iUl and true and competent to man
&c property and invest money with
Judgment. Address with particulars,
LONELY.
Care of Peters & Tucker, Agents,
Cairo. M"
SO far, so pernicious,' says I,
So hen we had finished the literary con-
roction. And now says I, where is
the lady?
Andy gives me one of his looks of
calm irritation.
JEFF says he, I thought you had
lost them ideas of realism in your art.
Why should there be a lady? When
they sell you lot of watered stock on
Wall street would you expect to find
Il mermaid in it? What has a matri-
monial ad got to do with a lady?'
Now. listen says !. You know
my rule. Andy, that i'm all my ilIegitf-
mate f~~"'''S AGAINST the letter of the