The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-12-22

the Christmas gift industry on an order fy and systematic footing. We ought to frame 1t up something like organized charity"
 'Wots organized charity?" asked the House Detective.
 It's a grand institution, is organized charity said the Hotef Clerk. For ex- ample A chap that's been a charter down-and-outer tackles Dick Canfield say, for the price of bed and a bite to eat. Garfield hands him a large quartz dollar. The dollar doesn't mean much to Garfield. but to the poor devil who gets it, it looks as big one of those hoops that the bareback ladies jump through at a circus. It enables him to put food and drink into a stomach that's contained nothing for some days past except the material for hiccoughs, and for night or two, anyhow, he can play hockey from his open work park bench.
 Now, with organized charity, it's diff ferent. A starving man applies to or ganized charity for assistance. Organ ized charity taxes his name and address and makes an investigation covering two weeks. including the week before he dies and the week after, and at the conclu- sion of that time printed ticket Is sent to his late residence, entitling him to an undershirt and a pair of gum shoes. Or ganized charity then includes his case in its annual report. Among the most
 
 brand of charity, are those gentlemen who want to make a noise like a kitchen range falling off the Singer building ev- cry time they break a dollar bill for philanthropy's dear sake.'
 "If you framed up Christmas like that, you'd be taking out all the Christmas spirit, seems to me- said the House De- tective.
 After you pass your seventh birthday, you're pretty apt to find that the Christ mas spirit changes anyway" said the Hotel Clerk. What's there to it, any way. Larry? In a small town. if you're an Episcopalian, 1t means singing se- ries of mournful numbers known as Christmas carols until your pipes clog up and you get defective ffue. If you're a Presbyterian, it means going to a Christmas tree entertainment in Pythian Hall where nothing pleasant and exciting happens unless the Bible class teacher that's playing Santa Claus catches his cotton batting whiskers on fire while passing out the glucose gum drops. In a big town like New York, it means getting all lit up and maybe go- ing home and hanging your stockings on the mantelpiece or the foot of the bed without first taking your feet out of them.
 'I used to fall for the Christmas sto- ries in the papers before learned bet ter. used to believe that the wayward SUI WllO u Iudue lOTtuHc III IDe hlOn- dike always arrived home on the night before Christmas just as old Squire Grimes was about to foreclose the mort gage on the homestead and put the old folks out in the blizzard, and that he walked in and dropped a sack contain ing s9,000000 in gold on the center table and threw back his furry sealskin coat and handed the wicked squire a swift poke in the eye. But 1t never turns out that way in real life. The returning prodigal. just back from the Klndike. doesn't always hike for home on Christ mas eve. He may stop over in our fair city to see if 1t really does sting like an adder when taken in large quanti- ties. and to ascertain if any of the mem- bers of the original Florodora sextette are still on the market.
 'Then there's the one about the hard hearted old banker who is overtaken with pity for his underpaid bookkeeper on Christmas eve and decides all of a sud- den. instead of giving him months va- cation without pay. as he had originally intended. to take him into the firm. But any time that happens in this commun-