New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1907-03-03
WANTED: IN OFFICE BOY.

WANTED: IN OFFICE BOY.
As a magazine editor was just settling down
10 an important private conference the othep
day Jimmy. the Office boy. walked in without
knocking and said. wrathfully:
"Wots dis stuff youse a-printin' this
mornin' about the 'Knei Of the Office Boy? Is
it etraight goods that Hammerstein. over at the
Manhattan Opery House. in New York IS settin'
the pace 10 trun Us kids out and give the JOBS
10 goils?'
The editor turned from the weighty matters
under discussion and assured the Office boy
that there some basis for the rumor
Well den" said Jimmy, fearlessly, All I got
10 say is dat youse have gotter show cause Me
attorney advises me dat If youse don't I kin
make it hot fer youse-see? Better hurry up
about it. too, cause got a crap game on in half
an hour wild fellers from de next Office. An
after dat I'm goin' out to lunch. where I'll see
me attorney TO talk it all over-so I want yer
facts"
TO spare ourselves public humiliation" said
the editor 10 a friend next day. Eve dismissed
our caller and after having waved jimmy to
the vacated easy chair we strove to gather our
wits. II that Mr.. Hammerztein's sub
stituton Of Office girl for AN off.e boy had
impressed us favorably that we had inwardly
resolved to follow suit. Without carefully justi-
flying the innovation. we had n vivid impression
of the ways and means of an office boy. This
impression such that any change seemed
to be for the better And even now as Jimmy
faced Us, half reproachfuIy half threateningIy.
we felt that our momentary qualms were due
TO stage. fright and not to fears that ours was
lost cause
Jimmy, began. as soon as the dryness
of embarrassment had left our throat. don't YOU
honestly think that a sweet young girl would
work more corscientiously than you do?'
"'Wot! one of them gum chewin', face pow
derin' sissies work better'n me? Why, if de
elevator busted she'd never he able to foot IL up
de stairs. If dere was a mouse in de block she'd
hike fer home and mother widout watin' fer her
pay. If dere was fake shirtwaist sale up
Broadway she wouldn't strike dis Office I'll
in de afternoon If youse sent her off on an er-
rant she'd spend the dime youse give her fer
carfare instead of savin' it the way I do. why.
boss, she'd have the whole bunch Of yousc
swearin' of smokin in a week because it hurt
her complexion. But wot's de use in knockin'?
I'd like TO know why youse have got it in fer
me-
Jimmy. we replied is it not true that you
took an afternoon off every week for the last
two years 10 visit your sick grandfather?
We'll, de doc says de old gent won't ever be
wei again W e lBipIeu tIle ldCl liidL jimmy
ancestor had been dead three years.
Isn't it true that you whistle in the hall at
least three hours a day?
Gee. boss, youse amt gon to knock on de
esthetic art of music, are youse? I thought
youse stood fer dat sort Of thing
Don't you slide down the bannisters when
ever you are sent to theFhoor below"
Oats because I'm in a hurry TO take yer
message.
Haven't you frequently poked elderly gem
tlemen's ribs in the elevator, just TO hear them
crunch"
"'Oh OATS only de car hogs who punch. Dey
take up de whole place
Don't you draw pictures on the walls and
write on the doors?
We'll boss. de office don't furnish me wild
notebook like it oughter. 1 often have thoughts
that have TO be expressed hot off de bat
Don't you stay out nearly two hours for
sure I am Fletcherite Don't catch me
gupin' my grub down in any hour or so. Got
too much self-respect.'
Don't you throw abandoned cigarettes into
the ink, abstract blotters and scissors from our
desks. scatter the contents Of the waste basket
all over our institution, whittle the woodwork.
tear out pages from the telephone directory, in
which you wrap up candy and plumber smear
mucillage on our luxuriously upholstered chairs
and walk in upon without knocking when we
have private business engagements?
Boss declared Jimmy, coldly. rising from
sonal matter Of it. II youse insist upon pryin'
into private life and indulgin' in invective I'm
off. / shall not descend TO yer methods sir AS
takesme leave will tell youse on the square
that I've enjoyed me sojourn here very much
An youse fire me from me snecure let me
say proudly dat dc wo!ds Of de poet are true:
"''Tis better 20 have loafed an lost
q" Than never to have lOafed at all
CAS- the door banged behind him we thought
many unknd things about Mr.. Hammerstein for
thus breaking in upon our innocent tranquility
cir q hOVg a q
all authorities say, Jimmy's successor shall pre-
serve the ancient lineage OF mascullnity.''