Staunton spectator and vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1896-1916, 1907-08-09
A WON EREUs-
BED
BY JAMES F. PARsoN,

IlCIO IL Is, ldulCS cuu S0uIl6Uucu,
right before your eyes, the most won
derful invention of the twentieth cen
fury. The children cry for it, ladies
sigh for it. McGilder's patent bed,
which can be used as a bed, clair
Or sofa-all for the small price of
three dollars! Now then, ladies and
gentlemen, step right UP and take
your pick 1 will do the bed up for
you in a compact parcel, which may
be carried by a child without the
slightest fatigue or annoyance. Who'll
have bed for only three dollars?
Why, anybody can start a boarding
house with three of McGilder's patent
beds, for, recollect, they combine the
usefulness of three separate articles
of furniture-a bed, chair, amt
sofa"
The above was part of a harrangue
addressed by dapper, red-neckued
young fellow, who stood upon a ga 1di-
ly painted cart, to mob of about
500 idiots, of whom l was chief, fer
will it be believed?-I, like a er-led
fool, actually bought bed.
That morning my wife had told me
that her Aunt Hespah was coming to
visit us, and that, owing to the micro
scopic dimensions of our fiat, she
didn't know where Aunt Hespah could
sleep.
So 1 bought the bed amid the
plaudits of the crowd, and the string
w witch rQ6-Chil tn6
Iaborer that I should lie down and
sleep on it then and there, in Older
to show the spectators how the old
snap worked.
The dealer proceeded to do it up.
He made very small parcel con-
sidering it was bed.
Put it in yer pocket" advised a
dirty faced laborer, with shovel, and
l and my bed walked off amid a gan-
eral smile, audibly expressed.
Where yer goin'?'' asked the con-
ductor. Come now, young Teller. get
off with that ERE piano-box. Dyer
think this is baggage train? Yer
can't ride in this car"
In vain pleaded.
He wouldn't have it.
Disguised, / waited for the next,
and endeavored to make the bed look
as small as possible.
The car stopped, so got in.
Of course it started before 1 was
seated, so over l fell, knocked off a
woman's bonnet, doubling up a fat
man, and almost annihilating q small
boy with my bed.
AS for the bed, there was a sound of
rumbling in its complicated machin-
cry, and with a snap it flew open, dis
closing chair.
How in the world was l going to
get it into a bed again?
Some of the passengers laughed,
while the fat man grew sarcastic.
"H'm!" growled he; wonder what
people will carry in cars next! l sup
pose I can expect to get into one
some day and find a piano or now
ing machine. Some people haven't
any sense"
At last, though, I reached my house
and got in, only breaking the gate
with my bed as l did so.
My wife opened the door.
Where in the name of goodness did
| are you going to do with it," she
asked.
1 Indignantly replied that 1t was
not horse block.
1t was a ch-ir
Also it could be made into bed,
Or sofa. at will.
After patient study and research /
found the directions for working the
bed concealed in most undiscovera-
BILE spot, and turned the chair into a
bed Then l turned the bed into a
sofa, and the sofa back again into a
chair.
My wife was delighted.
l began to believe l had made a
| domestic hit, and expatiated upon my
| great head in discovering and purchas-
ing such a marvel of mechanism and
general utility.
Aunt Hespah had arrived. and she
| joined us in examining the bed.
Lord mercy! what next, won
| der?" she said Turn it into bed,
Edward"
Edward did.
Aunt Hespah must lie down and
| try it.
Just here came the catastrophe.
How it occurred l don't know, but the
| fiendish bed got Independent and
started to work itself into a chair
| without orders.
But Aunt Hespah was in the way
| The result was she was caught like
mouse, McGilder's beautiful inven-
| ton clasping her as affectionately as
young fellow would his sweetheart.
Aunt Hespah gave yell loud
| enough to stop clock, and began
| Keeling about the room, with McGild-
| er's patent charging on her.
Take it off! Take it off" bawled
she; tits a-squeezin' me to death.
Lord a mercy, I'll die if somebody
don't take away this drafted ma
chine!"
I sprang to her rescue.
But l could not get the bed off I'M
| aided.
The result was we had to lay Aunt
| hespah upon the floor, and cut the
bed off with an ak. And by the tins
| 1t was accomplished she was about
| half-dead.
My wife, however, will not speak to
| me.
She persisted in believing that de-
liberately invented the bed myself for
the sole purpose of killing Aunt Hes
bah, and that my tale of the purchase
was barefaced fiction. l tell you
what-men never know how much
fun they can have till they get mar
ried.
Surgery for AiIing Trees.