The Washington herald., 1907-10-13
Maria'S Midnight Lectures.
LECTURE NO. g.


they come here and sell ours first. II
d be a blessing to get It out Of the
house.
And you daren't fool with those me
ters either, no matter how fast they
run. I remember BageIey Steffens had
a son who was fixing to be an engineer
and he was always monkeying with ma
chinery When their gas meter got out
Of order young Steffens disconnected the
gas pipe and connected it with the wa
ter hydrant Then when he turned on
the water It made the meter run back
ward, and in about an hour, according
10 the meters registration, II had gone
so far backward that it looked as il the
gas company owed the Stenenses about
twenty dollars. Bageley thought it was
so smart be went down to the Office
and tried to collect It; he'd forgotten
that the gas company and the water
company was in cahoots together, and
after they investigated the problem they
wanted 10 charge him so much for extra
water used that he had to put a mort
gage on his bar=. / tell you, youv We got
to get up early TO beat a gas company.
Did you notice about another OF them
New York girls getting married to an
English lord2 I think it's plumb silly,
don't you? IF our little Emily gets over
the mumps all right and her hair comes
back in where 1t fell out after the scar
let fever, and them freckies she has
don't stay with her when she's growed
up. I expect she'll be a right pretty girl.
But I'll bet you she don't marry none OF
them English lords with their la-de-dah
ways, and there is not one Of EN- that's
got trade. I hope Emily takes after
little Haley that ehild's too smart for
any use. He wrote a real historical
poem at school to-day and teacher sent
it home 10 me. It goes:
Oh when the flags vas fying
We licked the British hon;
We licked em-We licked en-
We'll, that's all I can remember Of
it, but 1t was just great, Job, and I
hope you'll remember to bring Haley
home a sack Of peanut candy-thats
the kind I Ike best myself; and law
knows. I a'int had a taste o. candy for
ever so long
You know, Job, that I don't hold with
you a-viOlating the confidence Of the
nuptial chamber, as they call it, and
telling what / have to say about affairs
10 The Washington Herald, but If you
had to do it I'm glad it's The Herald.
I see il celebrated its first birthday last
week and was as proud as Punch about
- L.
first baby a year old. Do you re-
member when little Haley had his
first birthday? You invited Mort Woods
down TO help you celebrate and you had
such a headache the next morning
had 10 use all the ice in the icebox on
your head and my butter all got spoiled
Oh, but you've been a reckles man, Job
What are you yawning about. Job?
Want TO go 10 sleep I wisht 70 heaven
you'd get some intelligence. Job. But
it's always the way whenever I try to
improve your mind by keeping you up
10 date about the large affairs Of the
world, you get sleepy. I see they've ar
ranged to have another performance Of
the Thaw trial in December. just 10
make the Christmas holidays bright, I
suppose. They are only going TO call
S64 experts this time, and il they can't
prove Thaw insane, why, nobody can.
/ only hope you won't spend your
nights as you did before reading all
that stuff. Il amt literature, Job. and
you'd be much better improving your
mind with Ella Wheeler Wilcox or
Betty Bradeen.
Il haven't heard much about the
American fleet recently-have you?-ex-
cepting that another ship went ashore
somewhere. I expect they just did it
for advertising; perhaps Secretary Met
calf thinks people ought TO pay more
attention TO him can't make head or
tail out Of this suit against Secretary
Metcalf, can you? Seems 10 me like
they wouldn't let him in some Of the
New York theaters. and he sued 'em
and lost the suit. I'd heard there was
some complaint about sailors In uniform
going into public places. but I had no
idea It extended to the Secretary Of
the Navy. Not him? Another Metcalfi
Oh. well, what does it natter He was
kept out of the theaters, anyway. By
the by. talking about sailors and ships
and things. I hear that the American
merchant marine is showing a decided
increase-thats what the papers say.
I suppose they've built a couple more
bugeyes and tugbOat on the Potomac.
Il expect we'u hear something star
Ting in financial circles pretty soon. I
see that Mr.. Fish has started of TO
Chicago looking for Mr.. Hartman.
hope it won't cause another panic il
he finds him. don't you, Job? Every
time they have a panic, prices 60 up,
and Emily's just got 10 have some new
clothes this winter: her stockings are
all getting too small for her, poor child.
And groceries are getting deaTer, too.
all except those patent breakfast foods,
and little Haley got a mOuthful OF one
OF them the other morning and like to
have choked to death before I could
brush it out-I had to take a whisk
broom TO the stuff. And I notice now
that there's TO be d combine Of tabascO-
sauce makers, so the price Of that hot
stuff viii go up, too. Not that I care
about it, I've never tried 1t since the
night your brother Dick was here on
visit and put about a teaspOOnful OF it
on an oyster and it burned him So that
he bit the oyster shell in half and
ruined his teeth
Job! Job! Is that a light down stairs?
DID you leave the gas burning in the
front parlor? No; you know you are not
asleep: go down and turn It out. Don't
pretend to snore' now. Oh, what bTutes
you men are. suppose I'll have to go
down myself. and maybe there's bur-
glars, too-where in the world are my
slippers?"
Immigration and Labor Market.
Errr-,, tl,n Tnltir.n-, ~.