davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-06-16

gins to toast the trade, beginning with
Raiseuli and the Northern Pacific and
on down the line to the little ones like
tho school book combine and the Oleo-
margarine outrages and the Lehigh
Valley and Great Scott Coal Federation.
It's all right. Andy says 1, to
drink the health of our brother mo-
nOpolists, but don't OveTdo the was
sail. You know our most eminent and
loathed multi-corruptiOnists lives on
weak tea and dog biscuits
Andy went in the back room awhile
and came out dressed i'm his best
clothes There was d kind Of murder
Gus and soulful lOOg of gentle TiOtOus-
ness in his eve that | didn't like.
watched him to see what turn the whis-
ky was going to take in him There
are two times when YOU never can tell
what is going to happen. One is when
n man takes his first drink; and the
other is when d woman takes her
latest.
In less than an hour Andy's skate
had turned to an ice yacht. He was
OUtwardly decent and managed to pre-
serve his aquarium. but inside he was
imDrOmptu and full of unexpectedness.
Jeff says he, do you know that
I'm a crater-a living crateT?'
That's a self-evident hypothesis,
says L. But you're not Irish. Why
don't you say creature" according to
the rules of syntax- of America?
"'Tm the crater of a Volcano says
he. I'm all aflamc and cTammed in
side with an assortment of words and
phrases that have got to have an eX-
odus. / can feel millions Of synonyms
and parts of speech rising in me- says
he, and I've got to make a speech of
some sort. Drink says Andy, always
drives me to oratOry.'
1T could do no worse says I.
From my earliest reCOllectiOns,
says he. alcohol seemed to stimulate
my sense of recitation and rhetoric.
Why, i'm Bryan's second campaign,
says Andy, they used to give me three
gin rickeys and I'd speak two hours
longer than Billy himself could on the
silver question. Finally they pursuaded
me to take the gold cure.
IF you've got to get rid of your
excess verbage,' says I, why not go
out on the river bank an speak a
piece? II. seems to me there was an
old spellbinder named C9ntharides that
used to go and disincorporate himself
of his windy numbers along the sea-
shore.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-06-16

Z" No. says Andy, L must have an
audience. 1 feel like if [ once turned
loose people would begin to call Sem
atOr Beveridge the Grand Young Sphinx
of the Wabash. I've got to get an au-
6ience together. jeff, and get this oral
distension assuaged or it may turn in
on me and I'd go about feeling like a
deckle-edge edition de luxe of Mrs. E..
d, e. n. Southworth.'
" on what special subject of theo-
rems and topics Goes your desire for
vocality seem to be connected with?'
asks.
9" I amt particular says Andy. I
am equally good and varicose on all
subjects. I can take up the matter of
Russian immigration, or the poetry of
John w. Keats, or the tariff, or Kabyle
literature, or drainage, and make my
audience weep, cry, sob and shed tears
by turns
well, Andy says I, if you are
bound to get rid of this accumulation
of vernacular suppose you go out in
town and work il off on some indulgent
citizen. Me and the boys will take care
of the business. Everybody will be
through dinner pretty soon, and salt
pork and beans makes a. man pretty
thirsty We ought to take in $1,000
more by midnight
so Andy goes out of the Blue Snake,
and 1 see him stopping men on the
street and talking to 'em. BY and by
he has half a dozen in a bunch listen
ing to him; and pretty soon 1 see him
waving his arms and elOcuting at a
gOOd-sized crowd on a corner. When
he walks away they spring out after
him, talking all the time: and he leads
'em down the main street of Bird City
with more men joining the procession
as they go 1t reminded me of the old
lergendemain that I'd read in books
about the Pied Piper of Heidsieck
charming the children away from the
town.
"One O'Clock came; and then 2; and
3 got under the wire for place; and not
a Bird citizen came i'm for a drink. The
streets were deserted except for some
ducks and ladies going to the stores.
There was only light drizzle falling
then.
"a lonesome man came along and
stopped in front of the Blue Snake to
scrape the mud off his boots.
:" 'Pardner,' says /, what has hap
pened? This morning there was hectic
gayetys afOOt; and now it seems more
like one of them ruined cities of Tyre
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-06-16
The Octopus
MarOOned

"A trust is its weakest point" said
Jeff Peters.
That" said 7, sounds like one of
those unintelligible remarks such as:
why is a policeman
1T is not" said jeff There are no
relations between a trust and a police
man. My remark was an epitogram-
an axis-a kind of mulctem in parvo.
What il means is that a trust is like
an egg, and it is not like an egg. If
you want to break an egg you have to
do it from the outside. The only way
TO break ND a trust is from the inside.
Keep sitting on 1t until it matches.
Look at the brood of young colleges
and libraries that's chirping and peep
ing al over the country. Yes, sir, every
trust bears in its own bosom the seeds
of it's destruction like a rooster that
crows near Georgia colOred Methodist
camp meeting, or n Republican an
nOuncing himself a candidate for gov
eTnOT of Texas"
7 asked JEFF. jeeringly. if he had eyer.
during his checkered career. conducted
an enterprise of the class to which the
word trust had been applied. Some
what to my surprise he Acknowledged
the corner.
Once" said he. And the state seal
of New Jersey never bit into a charter
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-06-16

village riprisinted be tn flower iv its
atheleets, la-ads that had larned tn
game on tn prairies an vacant lots iv
tn west side, an were prepared to do
or die in definse iv tn honor iv Chica-
go. 1 always had a SPECIAL delight,
Hinnissy, whin they humilyated an
degraded tn naughty New York team
which they often did. I'm glad to say,
an are still dom, thank hiven. An
whin tn long season was over, an tn
heart burnings were at an end, whin
tn last little boy had gone into tn
knocked over tn fence, an tn last
stick iv gum had been chewed, an tn
pennant fiOated firm tn flagstaff in
Fitchigan Avnoo, or was carried back
in triumph to tn east. tn Chicago
team packed its TRUNKS an whit home
to New York, an tn New York team
come home to Chicago FIR the Winter.
"a little later ye'd read in tn papers:
'McGay tn star twirler iv tn Chicago
White Stockings. may not return to tn
game. He has been offered tn Tam
many nommynation in tn Fourth dis
thrict, where he was born an brought
up Or, 'Flannery. tn demon bats
man iv tn Joynts, has taken tn man.
agement iv his brothers caffy in Bloc
Island Avnoo FIR tn Winter 1 niver
knew ball player that lived within a
hundred miles iv tn place where he
dhrew his pay check. Be hivens, twin
ty years ago felt tn same hathred
FIR tn Saint Looey Browns in tn sum
mer that / used on tn British Govern
mint in Winter. / am not a man iv
vrlent dislikes, but l used TO say a
short prayer that their thraini might
mercifully be permitted to jump into
ditch on their way ND on their nee
faryous mission iv humflyatin' our
gallant team captained by a loyal son
iv Chicago firm Ioway, with star play
ers firm Jersey City an Yonkers l
didn't want thin kilt. dye mind? I
wasn't that bad, befure tn game. But
l wanted thin shaken up a little so
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-06-16
MAGAZINE SECTION.
BY o. HENRY.
1907. by S. S. Mcclure Coz

and Siphon where the lone lizard
crawls on the walls of the main port
cullis.'
The whole town. says the muddy
man, is up in Sperry's wool warehouse
listening to your siGe-kicker make a
speech. He is some gravy on deliver
ing himself of audible sounds relating
to matters ana conclusions says the
man.
''Well. 1 hope he'll adjourn, sine qua
non. pretty sOon,' says I, for trade lam
guishes.'
Not customer did we have that
afternoon. At o'clock two Mexieans
brought Andy to the saloon lying across
the back of a burro. We put him to
bed while he still muttered and gestiC-
Ulated with his hands and feet.
''Then 1 locked up the cash and went
out to see what had happened. I met
a man who told me all about it. Andy
had made the finest twO-hoUr speech
that had ever been heard in Texas, no
said. or anywhere else in the world.
what was it abOut?' 1 asked.
Temperance says he. And when
he got through. every man in Bird City
signed the pledge for a year
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-06-16

that opened up solder and safer piece
of legitimate octopussing, We had ev-
erything in our favor-wind, water, po-
lice, nerve, and a clean monopoly of an
article indispensable to the public.
There wasn't a trust buster on the
globe that could have found a weak
spot in our scheme. 1t made Roekefel-
ler's little kerosene speculation look like
a bucketshop. But we lost out"
Some unforeseen opposition came
up, l suppose" l said.
NO, sir, it was just as l said. We
were self-ourbed. 1t was a case Of au-
to-suppression. There was a rift with
in the loot, as Albert Tennyson says.
you remember / told you that me
ana Andy Tucker WAS partners for
some years That man was the most
talented connIver al stTategeTns 1 ever
saw. Whenever he saw dollar in an
other mans hands he took it as per-
sonal grudge, if ne couldn't take it any
other way. Andy was educated too,
besides having a lot of useful Informal
ton He had acquired a big amount
Of experience out of books, and could
talk for hours on any subject connected
with ideas and discourse. He had been
in every line Of graft from lecturing on
Palestine with a lot of magic lantern
pictures of the annual Custom made
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-06-16

ments ~ great excitement, Kill tn
speckIed-faced crOss-eyed pickpocket,
kill him. TIL polls were not~necessary
to protect tn empire. In fact, they
weren't advisable. In spite iv his uny-
form a Dolisman is but man afther
all. No, Sir, tn empire was perfectly
safe if he survived tn game an left tn
grounds first. In thin days tn en-
pires were very supeeryor class iv
men. In ordher to qualify fr tn posi-
ton they had to go through tn pompier
dhrill iv climbin' fences undher tn in
TIL aujience were always fair an
spoorts-lovin' They sildom Kissed a
decision whin wan iv tn home players
was caught fifteen feet off a base. But
they were stern as we'll as just, an
they properly riprimanded certain
thievin', burglarious. porch-climbin'
bribe-takin' ruffyans who had, undher
assumed names, secured tn important
position iv empire TIL front rows iv
tn fifty clint seats used TO be occupied
by club men who had whiled away tn
mornin' hours in tn rollin' mills, an
come over to spind quiet 'afthernoon
in tn sunshine watehin' tn naytional
game. A pretty picture they made in
their red flannel undhershirts, fannin'
thimsiives with copies iv tn Polls Ga
zette. They were usually quiet an
thoughtful, but at times wud make
laughin' remarks about tn empire S
family: but whin a ra-aly unjust deci-
sion occurred, or what looked like an
unjust decision firm where they sat.
their proud natures asserted thimsilves.
They did what amy other American,
whether he wears his undhershirt out
side or inside, wud do. They hoped
over tn railing an stamped on tn per-
iured officyal.
'.Thim were tn days whin We had
local pride. We loved tn boys that
fought so nobly FIR their home city,
an we hated tn scoundhrels that come
firm afar TO wrest their lorls firm thin.
1t was a grand thing to have our home
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-06-16
By z. p. Dunno

an whispers something in tn pitchers
ear TO steady him, an comes back an
has passed ball scored again him; an
tn man at tn bat catches tn next wan
in tn eye, an sinds it into tn club
house; an tn ginteeI crowd advises tn
pitcher that his job is still open FIR
him on th'dUmps because tn boss knew
tn kind iv a pitcher he was; an tn
game is over an we've won, an I get
up me circulation be maxim tn pace
fr a block or two f'r frind iv mine
that wants to tell tn empire what he
thinks iv him befure he can get to his
car.
mo, Sir, baseball amt amy tea-an'-
mullins game It's rale sport. Why,
Hogan tells me a man can play cricket
till he's old enough to be Prisidint w
a savings bank He can play it an
wear whiskers to his waist. an he
don't need to take off his stOve-pipe
hat onless he wants to. He can play it
as long as he can hold cup iv tea
without spillin IT on his flannel pants
But think iv a man iv sixty thrvin' TO
PLAY baseball with tn PROFESSIONALS. He
might betther ship fr an arctic expedi-
ton. Baseball, like war, is fr tn
boys Whin d man is twinty-five be
gin to call him old man Kelly whin
he's thirty tn papers advise tn auji-
ence to be kind to him because he has
seen betther days; he's not. nacherally.
as spry as Il young or, middle-aged man,
but baseball must be played with tn
head as well as tn legs; an if he lives
an holds down a job till thirty-fvo.
they note that his intellect is wabbliR'
tn same rs his knees, an rayspictful-
ly suggest thai he go off somewhere an
curl up an die
It's rough game" said Mr.. Hen
messy, but it amt as bad as it looks.
An it's sood-natured, although We wud-
dent think SO"
rs like life said Mr. DOoIey, "or,
anyhow, like life IN America"
Copyright, 1907. by H H. Mcclure & Co.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-06-16

wan iv tn Elder Statesmen iv Chicago.
I'm tn oldest livin' survivor iv tn
game. an wan iv tn things 1 like
about it is it amt lawn tennis, an it
amt cut-outs firm tn Sundah Supple
mint, an it amt cricket.
It's baseball, that's what it is We
bet ye Did We liver see a game iv crick-
ontil tn ten gives out. Ivry time a man
hits tn ball he gets cup iv tea. There
was a man in England last year that
had a score iv two hundred an fifty
basins iv bolrea, an was not declared
out ayether be TIL empire or tn doctor.
Think iv tn whole baseball nine goin'
down to tent afther What's -his-name
had soaked tn spit-bali out iv tn lot
an gatherin' arounds tn tea table.
That was an excellent slap we gave,
Mike Thank We, Terry: will We have
a saucer of Young Hyson?' I WILL with
pleasure. Will ye take jam or mar
mylade? Oh, dear, I've made me fin
gers all sticky. Is that speck iv dirt
Oil iilO petiAlo- we'll amy iiONs obiA /
go to bat till next Thursday. No, Sir;
not for me.
''BasebalTs all right, with a pitcher
rollin tn ball in tn mud an thin on
his pants, an putin up his foot an
his hands to tn same altytude an
thryin' to sind tn ball so near tn bat
ter's head that it'll scare him to death
without hittin' him; an tn batter hav-
in tn alternytive iv hittin' tn ball with
his club or lettin' it hit him on tn chin;
his eye not bein' in, he chooses to be
hit, an falls down unconscious till tn
empire says: Take ye'er base, an thin
gets up an runs down to first at pace
that wud've stint Barney Wefers hands
above his head; an tn catcher jump
in around lookin like a submarine
monster; an ivry man that goes down
to second base leaps into tn lap iv
thu shortstOp with his spikes on: an a
fellow is behind third base thryin to
rattle tn pitcher be tellin' him all about
his father; an tn catcher walks down
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-06-16

that the pitcher wud have a pain iii
his back ivry time he thried to sind
over an in-shoot An while 1 was feel
ins this way about tn foreign scum
firm Saint Looey, tn pitcher iv tn
Browns ownded a shoe store in Mad
ison tshreet, an cud he seen amy
Winters day an wan knee with but
ton-hOok in his hand. an tn father "
tn Captain iv tn Browns was an old
frind iv mine an held a job in til
City Hall.
It's scand'lous tn way tn games
ARE wrote up in tn papers. I7agree
with me frind ~ tn North Westhren
Christyan Advocate that thin young
fellows that write about baseball ARE
mutylatin - language. In my day
twas different. Til iditors wud not dis
grace theit calm be speakin' iv a
pitchers arm as his port propeller.
They We're more disnified, an always
alluded to it as tn south joist. They
niver roasted tn empire i'm tn Ian
guage now employed. But whin he was
AeA'RAOeAiiS NAOilSs OH II NNAO OS assn
seen that he was purchased, they sim
ply remarked that tn aujience showed
great restraint in merely. chokin' him;
in less cultivated communities they
wudve made his map look as though
Napolyeon Bonypart had been workin'
on it.
Thin were tn days iv baseball Tn
an old vethren Sports lover. I'll bet
I've ct more bags Nv peanuts an emp
tied an threw more bottles iv pop
than amy man at tn game yister-
dab. Why. me boy, 1 can rayminber
whin Al Spalding pitched FIR tn Rock
fords. VIII ye think iv that? l ray
mimber Charlie RadbOurne. 1 rayr
mimber whin Worcester an Providence
were in tn league. 1 raymimber viii
White playin' with spectacles on; I see
Silver Flint get his first bad finger: I
was atm popcorn in tn grand stand
whin Cap Arson was thried out at third
base, an lived to see him called Pop
an thin 'Cranpop an fn'ny become
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-06-16

a dent in his little head that1I enable
him to wear his hat upside down with
out havin' it blow off But in spite iv
ivrything, includin' tn action of tn
polls in blockin plays be three or four
hundred iv our assistant third base
men armed With knives, tn gang firm
tn corner GOMEZ through on tn rail. Tn
whin little Old Billy Wappus dashed tn
principal headstOne with tn cannon
cracker till Boggsy tTOtted acrOst
Schwartz shingles with tn ice picks on
his feet. In tn first. COrkey bingOed
McGrasscO toddled. Two less thin an
nything were sung on Bingstat be tn
on'y empire liver born in tn mammoth
cave iv Kentucky, although tn balls
were found in dhrug sthore acrost tn
sthreet afther tn game. TIL next wan
was as moist as tn fure iv tn office iv
tn Thransit House afther cattle
mans cOnvintion, but it must've looked
to tn boys at tn gate as big as a sheep
dog comm out iv dhrain. He caught
II AIlCIe III lllCuulld ODlOllSrttci JOii1S III
collar button. an it wint away to re-
turn no more An there we ARE. a
picture in simple language
IT'S a rough game these days. said
Mr.. Hennessy.
1T is that" said Mr.. Dooley. ut has
deginerated sadly. I'm in thorough
sympathy with tn iditor iv tn North
Westhren Christyan Advocate, who
wants it suppressed. IT amt tn ginteel
game it was in my days. In thin far
gone times baseball was tn spoort iv
gintiemen an was watched be gintle-
men. Whn our fathers left their clubs
an wint down TO tn baseball park an
took off their coats an collars, they
knew they were going to spind an
Afternoon in tn quiet enjymint iv a
contest fv gintlemenly skill an good
nature. There was no rowdyism in
thin days No Sir. TIL best people
in town wint to tn games an cheered
be cryin'. Here, here excellent, or
played, indeed. or some times in mo-
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-06-16

Il wint to see a baseball game yister-
dahl" said Mr.. Hennessy. Have We
seen wan .latelv?"
No" said Mr. Dooley, but I read
about thin. An they're good readin'
Next to tn chess games they're about
tn best readin' find in tn papers FIR
tn brain. They take thought an a
knowledge iv tn wurruld, but wanst We
apply ye're mind to thin We don't have
TO go to tn game to injye it. You, Hin
Missy pay d lot iv good money an
spind a whole AFTERNOON in tn snow iv
a bitter Summers day, while 1 stay at
home here dhrinzin' hot things, smokin'
a good seegar an seem tn sport as
plainly before me eyes as if 1 ownded
tn ball club an cud set on tn players
bench. Here it is: TIL hosiery display
delivered tn entire fruit stand, includ-
in a cOrnucopy iv checkerberries, an
tn gasOlene torch to tn alleged Despe-
radoes yisterdah afthernoon befure
twinty thousand feather heads who
wcpt, groaned. mOaRed, an sighed ontn
81 tn whole faculty " medicine had
been in tn aujience they wud've faint
ed firm exhaustion putting sthrait
Jackets on tn paretics. TIL cillybrated
starboard whip iv jugs DOhemy, tn
salivary glandyator iv tn Thugs was
all to'rd tn fleet, an tn empire, a Ger
tain Misther Flicks. whose eyesight
niver will be improved till tn main
squeeze iv tn Junta makes him look
FIR another job, threated tn slapless
miracles as though they were Chinese
Fthrike breakers I'm San Francisco
" This ornymint iv tn joodicyal sta
ton lost his on'y previous position be-
cause he cudden't make change while
actin as chief clerk iv an I am blind
emporium with music. He cudden't
see tn space between New York an
Liverpool. He thinks they're just tn
same If he liver thries to board
sthreet car on tn same judgmint that
he uses FIR decisions at bases he'll get
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-06-16
CARROTS HOMEMADE AUTO.
CGrafton, n. D., Record0

tGraftOn, n. D., RecOrd.D
It took Poison CARROTS and the hired
man ten days to build an automobile. and
they viewed It with considerable salts
faction as 1t stood in the granary ready
for business. 1t was a wonderful ar
rangement The wheels had formerly
served under d thTeshing machine and
were iron throughout; no rubber tires
to run on spike and Wlther Ike
pumpkin vine operated on by a hoe. The
box was originally intended to carry 100
bushels of wheat to the nearest eleva-
tor. 1t had been padded and worked
over until it resembled a hollow moczery,
the taibOard sticking out behind like a
signbOard for a country pOstOftlce- It's
motive power was a gasoline engine which
had been grinding feed for eleven years
near the ferry. The steady grind wore
on the engine and when it was active
il pounded like a man shooting a horse.
The engine was located in the rear, where
the hired man had desk room, his duty
being to watch it and stop il and start
it if he could. IL he coEldn't there was
single stall on the SIDE provided for a
thin horse, which could be hitChed on i'm
case Of necessity. Poison was TO stand
up in front and steer and ring "A bell,
and hOller if that wouldn't do. They
started out on the first day Of May and
killed Z. pig, and broke the pump off close
to the ground before they had gone forty
rods. The hired man got excited and
began holleTing whoa TO the horse,
which was busy eating hay and hadn
moved an inch. Poison rang the bell for
the hen house TO get out of the way, but
it did not move. and the new automobile
went through it like knife through
cheese. An industrious hen which had in
tended to lay an egg flew into Poison =
face and scratched his honest brow. Then
the moving mill Of science passed out on
to the highway and dashed down the
road. where it ran into a yoke of oxen
hauling a load of hay toward town. Here
it stopped. but not until the driving chain
broke and one end landed on the horse,
which kicked the hired man through the
hind end. landing him in a May day mud
puddle. The man driving the oxen de-
manded an explanat ton. which was giV-
en- in PoisOn's most inOffensive manner.
The horse was then hitched on I'm from.
and the hired mans shoulder behind and
the aggregation started YEARLY for home
and the road ship was tied behind the
barn and farm work resumed
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-06-16
AN ILLUSION SOMEWHERE

tChiCag0 Evening POStl
t"The ideal'- we say to our heavy-set
friend. THE idea, Why, you weigh fully
800 pounds yet YOU fold your hands with
calm philosophy and tell us it is merely a
mental state that YOU ere slender and
1.-THE. In other words, you imagine YOU
are thin. BoslE
"Ah. poor. misguided one" ne breathes
plaCidly- Alas! you are labOrlng under
the delUsiOu that you see the flesh, which
once was my mental error. You should
take mental vibration before each meal
and on going TO bed"
DUmbly wondering whether or not the
trueness of an impression is to be veri-
fled by the actually of a conclusion. we
regard him with the dubious gaze of ono
whose subliminaI mental processes have
begun TO SiZzlc.