Evening star., 1907-08-24
THOSE AWFUL EYES!

| where as an imitator of steam whistles and
growing roosters and fighting cats and bark
Ing dogs and kissing champagne and with
drawing pop-bottle corks and such like
celebrated in New York a while back the
seventeenth anniversary Of hts becoming a
fixture on the water wagon. He celebrated
| 1t by giving dinner to a bunch Of friends.
and his dinner fluid was the same as 1t had
been for seventeen years. just the mineral
water that the restaurant happened to have
| handy. The others at the dinner could or
der what vets they wanted and required,
and they did
At the dinner the comedian from WASH
tngton told, in his inimitabie way the story
OF the precise thing that caused him to
mount the aqua vehicle.
Il was playing with a company at a
| Washington theater at thu time II came
on he said. MY wife. Washington girl.
was travelling with me- In Washington. as
soon as struck town. met up with all of
the old Indians and scouts that I'd been
brought up with. and they got me going. l
was willing to be got going-Tve got to say
| ina. bh those days such an excuse was an
oasis for ma, for needed excuses. the good
wife being so sore on the liquefi, ID end of
things as they concerned me that there
were times when she wouldn't hold any
sort of converse with me for week at
time. So when fell in with the bunch
| in Washington that time had some sort of
an excuse. such as 1t was. and of course
handed 1t out to her. and just as equally of
course. she couldn't see 1t with double BIZ
noculars.
"One evening. before starting for the the
atsr-it was the Friday evening of the
week-l was there with some of that peni-
tent stuff, and l made 1t up with the wife
and told her that was going to be good
that I'd dodge right home from the theater
that evening. without ary wifi of any
thlng harder than sa's'prlia on M: that
h fpey og,,rr L..
she could flag all that worry thing for good
and ALI: that-well just the old line of re-
morse stun that we get into the habit of
stalking our women folk to when there's a
lot OF dead drink floating around IN us and
our consciences begin to hammer us. n they
ought TO. -
! And SO. when / started for the theater
that evening I really meant to flag the
gang after the show and get home as soon
as car could drag me there. But 1t didn t
come off that way. After I'd washed ths
paint off and go: ready to make the open
air. five six Washingto ducks that |
hadn't run into at all since Lighting in
town-and all of them pals of old-broke
into my dressing room. and my go!ng-to
get-foma-to-tha-wife intention didn't make
| tie least hit with them. l couldn't fight five
OF six piano-movers like that, could /? No.
So they whisked me off.
! Along toward 2 in the morning I was
making rings with 'em a table at the
| old press club, all Of US a-pIen:y pie-eyed
| and polluted Then the telephone tinkle
came. and it meant me- The yap who an
| swered the phone told her-yes, it was she
| that was there and would be at the phone
| in a minute. He didn't know me I'd
| talked over the phone before with my wife
when | hadn't ought to've been at any
| phoning distance from home, and 1 didn't
| like it.
F., so just bolted from that table They
reached out their mitts to stay me- but l
/ was stampeded. and 1 got out homeward
bound. lit up. and the banner swinging.
| while trying to pucker my lips to whis-
| tie for night-lner to drag me to our lodg-
| tngs l, caught sight of an all-nisht dairy
\ lunch plant and restaurant down the street,
| and. says I to myself, finger crafty held at
| the side Of the nose. Here's where l square
isnyself-raw oysteTsr
Il remembered how she liked to have me
| fetch home a box O. raw when we were in
Washington or Baltimore, and so I tackled
down there and got double box of raw
| with salt and pepper and vinegar and all the
rest of the fixin's inside. Then 1 got the
| night-liner and made the lodgings along TO-
ward in the morning. g.
She was sitting up in bed. waiting for
| me. when l entered with my squaring box
! O. raw.
| = 'D'eyenin'. madame says, to her
''D'evenin'.' -
| you In circumstances like those. That's the
way she looked at me. But she wasn't con-
itversational. -, 80
( ".Brosh you li1 boxsh oysh,. madame l
4 SdiQ " LeT, Will SISdl NlCeSH
oysn. Try en- and l attempted to hand
| her the box.
! "she informed me. very succinctly, that
she didn't care for raw oysters for break
and she rose and walked into the other
room where she got into the other bed for
the remainder Of the dark hours.
| "'Oh. YER well-'f you don't like oysh,
| said I, real nettled. so l was, over the way
| my sQuare-up gift had been received.
| And. with that, 1 just gave the box OF
| raw a toss, needing not what was going to
| happen to the descending bivalves. voting
| not, caring nothing. l didn't even see 'em
| come down. l was dimly conscious that
when I chucked the box in the air the oys-
| ters flew out of the box. but l wasn't wor-
| ried, for required soothing siumber and the
| comfort and solace of the hay. into which !
| quickly climbed. with, l remember. plenty
| Of my clothes still on me.
| Il woke up in the chill gray of the fore
noon. with that sad. sad sensation flowing
| through me like Nauheim spout bath al
| the back Of my neck. Life was a misery
| and a warfare. Gal-loom had a scissors
hold on the globe. and there was no use.
| figured that l might just as we'll never get
| up any more. The only thing to do was to
| pull the bedclothes over my head and cash
| in before nightfall. / didn't remember any
| thing about the incident of the oysters
| But
! "Well, before pulling the bedclothes over
| my head so as to die right then and there
| 1 cast a last sad glance around the room.
| And, making that eye-cast, 1 caught sight
| of something that caused me first to jump
| UP In bed like a back-fence cat hit by a
| wash-pitcher and then to shrivei into a
1 state Of awful terror.
What were those two horrible slaty-
| grayish eyes attached to the back of the
1 silver hair-brush on my dresser? Hey?
What were they? Two horrible. dull dead
| eyes, looking square at me from the back
1 of my hair-brush!
you've heard Of that marrow freezing
| thing-I suppose didn't experience It then!
"'Well. I'm there at last 1 chartered
/ fevershly to myself. I've finally connected
with 'em. The wife was right all the time.
1 1t was only a question of my going the dis
| tance. Now I've gone it. I've got 'em!
Yep, got 'em, got em, got 'emi' and chat
| tered that to myself over and over again.
| like an excited chimpanzee In the top of a
1 date palm.
when 1 could get the nerve I called out
! to my wife. four or five times before she
came Then she walked into my room,
| looking cool and sweet and refreshed, after
/ her bath and breakfast-and me a horrible.
! crlnging. shriveled lump lying there with
l the delirium tremens-how could I have
| anything else with those awful dead eyes
| looking at me from my hair-brush!
"A medical man, and at once, for me.
was what told my wife. She asked me
| what for, and told me. very amiably and
n