The Ketchikan mining news., 1907-01-25
LOCAL. CURlOS


 tain 10 be foands Why. in wehster's unabridged. to he sure, unless its pages have been monkeyed with.
 A few short years ago the site of Ke,chikan was bowling wilderness . now i, is prosperous little city, and the fosling is done by steam whistles both on shore and the adjacent waters. -''Ps. be $ Universalists" "No. my son. 1 WAS before got married. but ten years of connuhial bliss has materially changed my views, and now feel quite sure that il is mis- taken doctrine"
 This idea of teaching every girl ,o pound the piano. and every boy to bs store clerk or bcokkeeper. if il goes on for twenty years more. will make coal worth 50 a ton. and bring the price of squads" up 10 s a bushel.
 The man who remarked within Curios' hearing the other day tha, the German prince imperial was born with crown on his head. didn't seem to know. or else had forgotten the facs that all ketchikan kids are born the same way.
 The man in this city who is So absent minded that he recently found himself in bed in another house than his own and didn't discover his mis- take till he ordered his wife to get M and build the fire, is not candidate for an important appointive office. reports to the contrary notwithstand- ing.
 It is estimated by a competent authority or such matters that even a small boy with even 3 small piece oi looking glass. can on bright, sunny day, evoke more profanity 10 the square inch than can be produced by sny other known eontrivance. with she single exception of the agonizipg. swear-word provocative stovepipe.
 We have in our office the diamond pointed. patented. self-acting type writer which for brief space of time has been employed in preparing these Curios for the eompoeitor. and it i> for sale. II will be sold 10 give place 10 larger and more improved ma chine. warranted 10 write every item and editorial in dozen different languages. and tone them down to suit the tastes and requirements of each and every distinct and particular reader. This one we offer 10 sell will prove yeritahle treasure 10 the pureha>er All he will have to do is to whisper gently into it's of auriclar. the idea he wishes to have elaborated. wind up the hair spring which starts it 10 going. and then go of, if he wishes. being careful 70 get back in before it has time 70 say too much or get mad at the compositor. If he wishes to have his ideas elaborated into the loftie>t kind of verse, or the most musical jingling rhymes, all he ! has got to do is 10 turn the little thing-um-b-ob in the movable bar in front of the self-acting keyboard. and be sure that the pointer is placed at c on the scale. IL supplies all defects in ones orthography, grammar or ] diction, throws in Latin quotations till you can't rest. and can grind out enough theology in an hour to make enough missionary tracts 10 supply E the Alaska natives for a hundred 1. years One peculiarity of this wond- erful machine is that it can't be manipulated into the expression of any 8 but the most sublime and lofty thought-but it's got 10 be disposed of if we have 10 give somebody thirty cents 10 come and take it away and drown it. The other night an idea occurred to Us, lit don't often happen which we thought, if properly elab- orated. would be splendid help tC the territorial government cause, to which, as Is well known, we are not Tery recent converts. and we accord ingly put the machine 10 work on it. Somebody came in just then and wanted Us 10 go around 10 Front street ''to zee man. and xe forgot 10 put on the brakes before leaving the office in fact forgot all about the plaguey machine until we came into the office next morning ard found territorial government articles piled up on the table and in every available nook and corner of the office. and the machine swearing mad because there wasn't room in which to pile up few thou sand more. In it's perfectly just wrath ii had just commenced writing us this note: '.You think you're dew ilist: smart don't you, to put me to work and then go of and not tell when and where 10 leave of If your darn old paper ain't out on time this week. and doesn't contain more than one idea. it will be your fault. not mine. If you ever treat me 50 again, I'll write some things you won't like to read-and I've good notion to write your obituary now, you d." what it xfsIId have .aid if Ee hadn't got in