davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-03-11
AID WANTED.
(Lnndon Tit-Rifsl

He was an impecunious. seedy. cs.x-at-
the-elbows person. and the doctor when
he prescribed for him, knew better than
to expect a fee.
For the infiamed eyes" said the be-
nsvolent physician. dissolve as much
boracie acid as you can put on three
penny piece in half a glass of water"
Thank you. DOCTOR murmured the pa
tent, turning away. moment later
however. the surgery door was opened
and the patient sidled in
.,.s say. aoc s9' . SAC ne WIN an IN m
shrefz-s, er1uv niece -
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-03-11
METEOROLOGICAL DISCOVERS
MOLE.
fWashington star.l

fWashingtOn Star-)
Winter has many drawbacks" said
Henry j Woodhouse, the noted meteor
oiogist, in Washington, land not the least
of these is the winter fog that drops down
SCOT upon mems faces. Some day we
shall dissipate this fog with electricity,
but that day is distant
Mr.. Woodhouse smiled.
lin a restaurant on a recent foggy,
sooty day. | couldn't resist leaning over
and whispering to a well dressed man al
the next table:
Excuse me. sir, but there's a speck
of SCOT on your nose
'"The man smiled agreeably.
No, he said. No. that isn't SCOT II
is a peculiar kind of mole, and you are
the seventh man. since breakfast to ask
me to wash it Off, My average for foggy
DAYS is ten y
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-03-11
AN INDEFINITE ENGAGEMENT.

Rctyn Baraes-T've secured an engage
ment at last. old man, but there's no
tellin' how long it's good for.
Rantcn Ball-Cheer up, You don't
mean to say you're afraid you won't
make good?
Actyn Barnes Gin an injured tonel-Ioss
Would you feel about ii if you contracted
TO let a two-ton automobile. Carrying
seven persons. run over you twice a day
for two weeks
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-03-11
ANECDOTES CONCERNING
WELL-kN0WN PEOPLE
pidn't Protect.
washington starr

(Washinston starr
Joaquin Miller. the poet OF the Slerras-
in an address in Oakland. attacked the
trusts.
What if their sins are legal? he end
ed. They are sins none the less, and
wish. when trusts sin legally. we couiq
prevent the law from protecting them
wish in short we could all act as one oil
our Oakland farmers did last year
He. one day last year. found score
of men putting up telegraph poles all over
his best field He ordered the men away,
but they wouldn't go. They showed him
a paper that gave them authority. TO put
up their poles wherever they wished
The old man looked at the paper. saW
it was lawful. walked away i'm silence
He went to the barn and turned saw
age red bull into the field.
THE bull made for the men. the men
flee at top speed. and the farmer shoHted
after them.
. Show him your paper; show him your
uanprt' -
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-03-11

Since forest reserves make lumber
holdings more valuable 10 the owners
it does not seem so very curious that
the lumbermen of Washington and Ore
gon approve of the presidents unlim-
tied reserve policy, does it?
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-03-11
There Was Taft, You Know.

philadelphia North American.)
Exports to Cuba in 1906 smashed all
records says a dispatch. OF course they
did.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-03-11

The efforts to take the Galveston
bills from the table in the lower house
recall a fsvorite expression of the late
Governor H. S. Pingree of Michigan
Let's put the cusses on record, any
way
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-03-11
CLEVER PARAGRAPHS.
Has Too Many of Them Now.
0Cbieaeo ,rrib,,ne

Uncle San is not particularly pleased to
hear that some CONFUSION OF nature has
added few more islands to his Philippine
group. He was not hankering for any en-
largement of his collection of islands over
there.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-03-11
This Is a Serious Oversight.
Washington Post.

There is a growing suspicion that the
people who are giving ont the Carnegie
hero medals are not onto their jobs since
Captain Bill Mcdonald has not yet been
awarded one for making faces at Senator
Forake-.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-03-11

JudRe)

How were those eggs / left for YOU
last week. ma am ?" asks the honest arri-
<uiturist
Every one Of them was rotten she
replies vigorously.
Il am sorry. he says: then bows low
and inquiries deferentialIy. but were they
perfectly satisfactory otherwise?"
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-03-11
The Election Was Over.

Newark Starr
Deiaware's new senator treated the leg
islature TO a dry banquet.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-03-11
(Aslanta Constitution. J

Here" shouted the asylum guard
You can't come in here This place is
for craig foIks.
Il know It. replied the stranger I'm
trying to get away from the fellows on
the outside who think they're sane.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-03-11
AN EXCEPTION TO TIE RULE.

ttleVelafd Plain Dealer.5
It's easy come. easy GO. with Charlie
TinkIehana. =
tot when he comes 10 cur house It's
almost impossible to get rid OF him
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-03-11
win Merely Push Them on the Dock.

Baltimore SUM-
Uncle Sam is going to slap the Japs in
the face.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-03-11
a HAPPY REUNION.

(New York Times.)
Mike-Phwot union does Casey work
fors
Pat-His wolfe. his mother-in-law. an
swim childer.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-03-11
A PRAYER.


Write all our sins in pencil
And our virtues all in ink.
And we will fare much better
In the Judgment day, we think.
The Washington herald., 1907-11-26
Presidential Latin.

From the Indianapolis Star.
President Benjamin Ide Wheeler. of the
University OF California. while making a
friendly call On President Roosevelt late-
" is said 10 have shown him a cartoon
which represented various financial in
teTests standing as giadiators before the
imperial parsonage while they saluted
thus: we, who are about 20 bust salute
thee Whereupon Mr.. Roosevelt laughed
and replied: 'Abusus non tOIlit usum.
the English translation OF which is.
Abuse does not do away with use" But
it viii not make the President any more
deeply beloved by the "gIadiators" be-
cause he is able TO drop into Latin when
he discusses them with the same ease
with which he uses cowboy vernacuIar
or the language Of Brer Rabbit.
The Washington herald., 1907-11-26
Fighting the whtte Plague.

German and English scientists have de-
clared that in a hundred years from now
that scourge of civilization. tuberculosis.
spoken of as the white plague" should
be eradicated entirely. II is only in re-
cent years that the subject of fighting
this disease intelligentIy has been forced
upon the American public. but ordinances
which are in effect IN most municipalities
requiring the exercise Of certain health
precautions under penalties show that the
agitation carried on by the leaders in
health reform has already had good ef-
feet II is realized that the only way
successfully 10 fight the spread OF tuber-
culosis is through popular education on
tie subject. and great efforts are being
made in this direction. most notable
effort along this line will be made in this
city in the autumn Of 1905. when the Fifth
International Congress on tuberculosis
will be held. The Congress will be d.
viCad into seven sections. and some or
these will deal with phases Of the subject
Of interest only to the physician and the
hygienic specialist. but other sections will
be devoted entirely to strictly popular in
struction
there will be, among other things. a
great tuberculosis exposition. which will
present in brochures. charts. pictures.
models. and demonstrations the ravages
Of the white plague. and explain how
these ravages may be checked There will
be clinics at which laymeu as well as spe-
cialists will find object lessons that will
show how necessary to the State is the
vigorous campaign against tuberculosis.
The Congress viii continue for three
weeks. from September p to October I2.
and is sure TO be largely attended by
doctors and laymen from the East. For
thoso who are unable to attend the con-
eress, the National Association for the
Study and Prevention of tuberculosis will
issue pamphlets and records of the trans
actions Of the congress. and will seek to
interest the press. SO that the fullest pub
licity may be given TO the discussions.
Such a movement as this shows in a
marked way how the duties OF civilization
are multiplying. With our constantly in
creasing drains on the nervous force of
individuals and the corresponding neglect
of tie physical conditions brought
about by the rapid-fire rate at which
modern life is lived. it is imperativeiy
necessary that we should do all that is
The Washington herald., 1907-11-26
Boston IN Irish Cit

Mayor fitzgerald, Of Boston. in Golfers
Boston is proportionately the most
Irish city in America. 1t has also more
folk OF Irish descent in it than Dublin.
the chief city OF Ireland. An Irishman
can be counted on TO vote. OF the vote
Of Boston. politicians claim that 90 per
cent IS Irish There is no approach
to such proportion among the greater
cities OF the United States. nor anv
other city of Irish populated New Eng
land Boston. besides, is one Of the
most foreign cities OF the country-some-
what less so than Chicago. but lust
about the equal Of New York OF ahout
$4,000 people in 1900. only 156.000 were of
native parentage, and at least one-half
OF these were third or fourth generation
descendants OF the Irish With the
Italians and other Catholics, the Catbo.
lie vote Of the city reaches well toward
20 per cent OF the total
The Washington herald., 1907-11-26
William Jennings BRYAN.

Washington has renewed its acquaint-
ance with William Jennings Bryan dur
ing the past few days. II has seen him
at close range in roles that ft him ad-
mirably-nonpolitical roles. As a good
citizen, an advocate Of civic virtues, a
persuasive preacher of right living. he is
at his best An opumist. he loves his
fellow-men as ne loves his country His
influence is far-reaching and wholesome.
No other public character. Theodore
Roosevelt himself not excepted. has more
tGectually impressed his personality upon
the masses than this stalwart Nebraskan
lie is a potent medium for the general
good.
Tonight the Capital will meet and
greet William Jennings Bryan in his ca
pacity as party leader. The Democrat
who does not recognize that leadership.
who does not see in Mr.. Bryan a chief
tain head and shoulders above his con-
freres, is dullard indeed. living in the
dead past But FOR the pre-empted Re
publican right 10 that term, such a Dem
ocrat should be classed as a reaction
airy" II is no theory confronting the
country. but condition. The times are
radical. Everybody knows it. An era
OF reform set i'm some time ago. 1t is
not going to pass quickly.
The condition that confronts the coun-
try confronts both parties alike Bryan
typifies popular sentiment. Eliminate
Roosevelt, and Bryan more fully typifies
1t than any other man in the public eve
to-day.
Win all his shortcomings. politically
and bis career like Roosevelts. is char
acterized by political shortcomings-the
people believe in him, respect him. and
give implicit faith to him. if not TO all
his theories. The rank and file Of his
party trust his leadership-trust il as they
have trusted no other leadership in more
than two decades. And it is the candid
opinion Of this newspaper that. in the
forthcoming Presidential race. If Roose-
Welt persists in eliminating himself. BRYAN
viii have a magnificent opportunity to
reach the goal. His strength is infinitely
greater than that Of any other Demo-
erat-North or South.
II is fitting that the Democrats OF the
District Of Columbia should do honor TO
80 - ''''N'' man Aie hNeu among
them when in Congress. They know him
and esteem him. Their friendship for
him is bound with personal no less than
partisan ties. The time is ripe and the
place appropriate for political utter
ance. He is among friends-District Dem
ocrats. stanch and true. In speaking to
them, he VIII speak TO the whole coun-
try. and the country will hear.
The Washington Herald Joins its Dem
ocratic friends in greeting the Democratic
chieftain.
The Washington herald., 1907-11-26
If "Unele Remus" Were presidcnt.

Just after his recent dinner at the White
House, Uncle Remus" was quoted by a
newspaper correspondent as follows.
IF were President Id have brass band in
front Of the White House and brass band in the
rear. playing all the time. and / would have a
regiment Of soldiers cut in the yard on dress
parade- It's big job being President"
Now, We have as much appreciation OF
the inventful and erudite Washington
correspondent as anybody else in this
land. but we cannot stand for that "Un-
Gle Remus' never said any such thing,
We know he didn't If Uncle Remus~
were President. he would abolish brass
bands by Executive proclamation al once;
that is, if he could do It quietly and not
be noticed. Doubtless he would tolerate
Chicken In the Breadtray" at times ac-
companied by a good banjo picker: or
he might entertain a few friends occa-
sionally with an old-time "fddlers con-
vention." That is as far as he would
go, however. Brass bands give Uncle
Remus" the fdgets. He would as soon be
lionized at a pink tea as stand up before
crowd of people and smirk at them
while brass band was footing
As FOR that regiment Of soldiers out in
the yard on dress parade''-if the corre-
spondent In this case knew Uncle Re
mus. he would have noted the twinkle
in his eye as he said whatever it was
he did say that sounded like that He
would have regiment OF soldiers" on
the White House lawn all Of the time. no
doubt-but they would be soldiers ranging
in age from two to seven or eight years.
and number Of them would be the cutest
little girls you ever saw. too. That's the
only sort OF army Uncle Remus" be-
lieves in, and loves. especially.
The truth is, If Uncle Remus' were
President. the White House would remind
you more OF the old home down on the
farm than anything else. He would have
a garden in the back yard-a big one. at
that. He would raise snap-beans. OSra.
collards. Irish potatoes. roasting ears,
turnip greens. beets. parsnips. radishes.
lettuce. and the like. and of 10 one side
he would have an asparagus bed. He
would have big COW lot down toward
the corner of the backyard somewhere.
Nothing could induce him TO do without
that COW lot II he could not have II. he
would not have the Presidency. Doubt
less he might manage to get along with
as few as six bovines-but not less. Then
he would have chickens. plenty Of them.
but they would have TO keep out of the
garden, on pain OF dshonorable dis
charge Daily shipments OF ground
meal would come I'm from Georgia. 20
keep the cornbread and dumplings up TO
the famous Uncle Remus" standard.
Those are a few OF the benign con-
ditions that would prevail were Uncle
Remus' President. But "A brass band"
and real soldiers The owner and auto
crat Of Snap Bean Farm" would not
be bothered with such tomfoolery; not for
a lifetime job in the Presidential chair.
The Washington herald., 1907-11-26
oar Irremovnhle school hoard.

In declining to consider the charges
affecting the board OF education and Ger
tain members thereof. preferred by Supt
Chancellor, on the ground that Congress
did not authorize the creation OF vacan-
cies in the board by removal of mem
bers. the Supreme Court of the District
appears 10 have given insufficient weight
10 the power Of removal. which as Jus
tice Wright quite correctly says. inheres
In the power 10 appoint We agree fully
with the dissenting opinion. that the
JUICES possess the power of removal, at
least for cause"
But II ii be true. as Justice Wright
thinks, that no citizen has a legal right
20 bring charges against members Of the
board. or 10 require them 10 be heard
is it not also true that the court has
power TO prefer charges Of its own mo-
ton and TO dismiss for cause shown and
proved 30 its satisfaction?
We recognize the force Of Justice
Wrights observation that Supt Chaneel-
lor's charges are vitiated by the fact that
they have been delayed until the eve Of
his own trial before the board Of educa-
ton. He will have opportunity 10 make
his defense before the board. and it was
unseemly and undignlhed. as Justice
Wright says, that a subordinate should
revamp old scores. some OF them Of a
personal nature. with a view 10 discredit-
ing a superior authority. However. the
whole controversy between the board and
the superintendent has been unseemly
and undignihed, and there now appears
no way out Of 1t hut the dismissal of Dr.
Chancellor, according to the programme
mapped out by the board of education.
Unfortunately. that will not end the
row, for, DR.. Chancellor threatens 10 carry
his cause, whatever II is. to Congress. II
so. the decision OF the Supreme Court
points out a defect in our school legisla-
ton that should be promptly remedied.
The Washington herald., 1907-11-26
A LITTLE NONSENSE.
AT THE RoTTOYl.

This bottle once held wine, and cost four
dollars cold;
But that held goods less fine, and for a
dime was sold
And doth the big one sneer, or call the
other "chump2"
Nay all are equal here; they're COM
rades of the dump.
This dull discarded frame was once a
beautys hat
An1 helped set hearts a1ame. But what
now matters that?
1t rests beside a rag that once adorned
some trump
And neither cares TO brag; they're COM
rades Of the dump.
This wornout silken glove Cnce lived mid
Snendor grand
And doth away il shove the tin can close
at hand2
Nay; side by side lie they, quite close
enough TO bump
They're bosom friends to-day, true COM
rades of the dump.
The Washington herald., 1907-11-26
MODERN HELENS.

II coald be bachelor and with the bachelors
stand.
A diamond in my necktie and A glove upon my
hand;
II ! could feel the freedom that some fellow feel
/ know.
The little path I'd follow and the little lane I'd 60
In dreamy lands Of venture I would seek to win
these queens
Diyinely sweet was Helen. and fraiI Lama's form
of grace
No doubt attracted worship, did Cleopatras face
But they arc dust and shadow. and cur ideals take
a turn
For modern incarnations on whose lips the roses
burn
Those dainty slender creatures, smiling sweetly in
their teens.
The hthographic ladies Of the lowpriced magazines
-Baltimors sun
The Washington herald., 1907-11-26
TeredO NavRIis.

The vicissitudes Of submarine cable
are many. II may be torn by an anchor.
crushed by a rock or seriously damaged
by coral reef, such as abound in the
tropics Some Of the growths often
found on a cable tend gradually to de-
cay the iron sheathing wires Then.
again, cable IS sometimes severed by
a seaquake. It may be fatally attacked
by the snout OF a sawfish or by the spike
of a swordhsh. But. perhaps. the little
animal that makes itself most objection
able from the cable engineers standpoint
Is the insignificant looking teredo navaIis
This little beast is intensely greedy
where guttE percha is concerned, working
its way there between the iron wires ard
between the serving yarns. The silica
in the outer cable compound tends TO de-
feat the teTedos efforts at making a
meal off the core. and this defeat is fur
theT effected by the core being enveloped
In a thin taping of brass. But where the
bottom is known to be badly infected
with these little monsters OF the deep
the insulator is often composed OF india
rubber, which has no attraction for the
teredo and possesses "A toughness. more
over. which is less suited for its boring
tool than the comparatively cheeselike
gutta pefcha
The Washington herald., 1907-11-26
Pronunciation of Pumpkin.

From the New York Sun
A language purist who likes pumpkin
(collOQ. pun-kin) pie went into a hurry
lunch shop where II IS specially.
Pumpkin pie" he said 10 the proud
blonde creature at the pie counter.
''Pun-kin pie?" she asked. with with
eringly corrective glance.
His interest in the pie soothed the blight
to such an extent that he asked again
next day for pumpkin and again was
corrected. He remembered. after several
failures and corrections, and one day. not
noting that the pie counter lady was a
new and a severer sort. confidently or
dered.
''Pun-kin pie please
Pumpkin pie?' asked the new one.
The Washington herald., 1907-11-26
Governor Hughes and Boss AIdridge.

From tie New YORK Ercuius Pos.
Politicians are discussing with great
Slee the encounter between Gov. Hughes
and George ". Aldridge. the Republican
boss OF Rochester. who recently elected
his mayoralty candidate On his last trip
70 western New York Gov. Hughes met
Aldridge.
Il congratulate you on your recent VIC
tory" said the governor. cordially. How
in the world did you do it, Mr.. AID
ridge?7
Well governor" was the reply Of the
pleased politician, 1T wasn't SO hard.
We all just took off our coats and hus-
tied. you know"
oh" said the governor: then he
paused, and seemed to be given over 10
deep reflection
BY the way. NIr. Aldridge." he re-
Sumed. after a moment. Mr. Hearst car
ried Rochester when 1 was running for
governor. did he not " Well-informed
politicians declare that thereafter neither
the governor nor the Rochester boss. ex-
changed a single word
The Washington herald., 1907-11-26

possible 20 guard against the ravages
OF disease. Malaria and yellow fever
we have already succeeded in getting
partly under control; it only needs public
education and a popular appreciation Of
the vital importance Of the subject to
stamp out, or at least TO deprive of many
OF its terrors the white plague, one Of the
bitterest and most sinister enemies Of
modern civilization.
The Washington herald., 1907-11-26
wait TIN the Clouds Roll By

From the Boston Herald
When is this stock-market slump
going 10 stop" Mr.. Morgan was asked.
When I was a little boy" replied the
eminent financier. Il once asked nv
father when it was going to stop rain
ing, and he said: Ny son, 1 have never
known but one rain storm that didn't
stop. "
Which one was that?" the boy asked.
The present one" said the father.
The obvious moral OF which is cheer
up and wait till the clouds roll by. as
usual
The Washington herald., 1907-11-26

Prom tine New York sun
Why does Mr. Bryan seek to be re-
nominated President? He must be law
Yer enough 20 recall the motto: Who
does by means of another does on his
own hook" Is It too metaphysical. is II
even mildly paradoxicaL TO say that Mr.
Bryan is already serving his second term
in the White House?
The Washington herald., 1907-11-26
JUST FROM GEORGIA"
From The Atlanta Constitution.
THE GROWING BRIGADE.


In summer we were growlin' when the
sun was on the blaze
In the very juicy middle Of the water
melon days;
"Oh. the sun is such a blister in the
everlastin' sky,
We froze not in December but were
meitin in July
H.
Then Il was We lOnged Tor winter: "Oh
for slcety cold an snow.
For the icy groves OF Greenland-fOr the
hlizZards on the blow
An just one day OF winter with
glimpse o. frosty ways.
An We're sighin for the summer an the
big sun on the blaze,
III
Is there any happy season2 It's the
weather. first an last
The swelter OF the summer. or the biting
winter blast
No chance for hallelula in the valley-on
the hill.
An when Gabriel blows his trumpet he
will find us growlin' still,
The Washington herald., 1907-11-26

Mr. Charles J. Bonaparte says the
greater mass of mankind do not know
what they think until some one tells
them. 1t will be all right in time. how
ever, if he can only get around TO them
a
The Washington herald., 1907-11-26
Text from Rr.er Williams.

Its bad enough fer folks ter be not
good nun fer heaven. but what will dey
think ef de devil shakes his head an
says, I don't want your"
We may all get on the brighter side
when the world turns 'rornd, but it does
seem that it's long time turning,