The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1907-03-31
By FINLEY Peter Dunno
Pictures by
Gordon Ross

wudden't f'r all TIL wurruld have TIL wurrud go
through Til ward: Did ye hear about Dooleys
soul No. what? They had to get m ex-
pert accountant to figure its weight, it was that
punny.
Dye suppose Dorgan, tR millionaire, wud
consint to it Whin he entered til race " life
he was properly handicapped with soul to off
set his avarice an his ebiity, SO that some " tn
rest iy us wld have kind iv o show against him.
But MS soon rs he thinks no wan can see him he
begins to get rid iy his weight an comes rompin'
home miles ahead. But tn judges say: Hold
on, there; yell have to weigh cut an little
later a notice is posted up1tha Dorgan is dis
qualified f'r ridin' undherweight in TIL matther
iv soul. On TIL other hand, there's little Miss
Maddigan, TIL scamstress She's al but left at
TIL post; she's jostled all Til way around, an
comes in lame, a bad last. But she's tn only
.wai, yth' lot ats kept tn weight. She weighs
ninety-six pounds-sx " IL bein' tea an toast
Of ninety " it soul. An amid ordinations
" rage firm Chancellor Jay, Tho has plunged
heavily on Dtrsan i. this Fu.urity, an cries "
10y frm ,.ensnnd FotherEKellys, who have
backed til filly, her number is hung out.
Nj n sir INIT mes rnin' - to TIL
scales to have their souls weighed people'll be as
SHY as they are in a Customs House. TIL peo-
pie that wud make tn invintion pay wud be til
last to wantto DO tested BY it. Th' pa-apers
might keep records iv tn results: Msthcr So
an'-So, TIL great captain " finance, died yes
terday, universally regretted. His estate
amounts to nineteen millyon dollars. There
ar-re two large requests to charity. Wan is a
thrust fund set aside f'r his maiden sister Amy
belle, who will receive f'r life tn income on
eight hundhcrd dollars in stock iy tn Hacken-.
sack Meadows Comp'ny. TIL other is forty-two
dollars to buy wooden leg f'r his brother Isaac,
in Abilene, Kansas, it bein' understood that no
charge is to be made be tn estate against tn
brother fr a set y false teeth bought fl him in
tn year nineteen four. Th' balance " tn prop
orty is left in trust FIR tn minor childher until
they ar-re 90 years old. I'll, deceased requested
that his soul be measured be troy weight. It
tipped TIL beam at wan pennyweight.'"
:" Dye think TIL soul can be weighed 3" asked
Mr.. Hennessy. 81 know it's there, but think
Il kind " fcel-I wondher-I don't hardly
know"
81 see what ye nean,' said Mr.. Dooley.
Scales an clocks ar-re not to be thrusted to de-
eide anything that's worth deciding. Who tells
time be a clock? Iyry hour is tn same to
wan short. There ar-re hours in th' ayenin'
that pass between two ticks " tn clock; there
ARE hours in til nrly 1nornin' whin man can't
sleep that Methusalah's age cud stretch in.
Clocks ar-re habichool liars, an so ar-re scales,
As soon as anything gets good enough to weigh
yc can't weight. Scales ar-re f'r tn other fell
low. I'm perfectly willin' to take ye'er weight
or ye'er souls weight firm what tn scales say,
Little care. A pound or two more or less
makes no difference. But when it comes to
mcasurin' something that's precious to me, III
not thrust it to slight Improvement on a Soc
saw.
But what do I know about it, annyhowi
What do ! know about anything? I've beer
pitchin' information into yo f'rmorc years thir
annywaniyer wint to colledge, AMI llye now
don't know anything about anything. don't
!, like to thrust nesilf forward. I'm q modest
man. Won't somebody else get up? Won't V
get up, Tiddy Rosenfelt won't ye Willum Jen
3nings Bryan, WON'T yc Prisidint Eliot, won't ye
4 professors, preachers, DOCTORS lawyers, iditors