Ceredo advance. [volume] (Ceredo, W. Va.) 1885-1939, 1907-01-02
The Hun1orist's Waterloo
By j. A. TIFFANY

the professional humorist. when
came near registering a vow never to
attempt TO make another Joke so long
as / lived. This particular place where
i met my Waterloo We will call Dole
vile. II was new city on my list.
had been engaged three months ahead
by the Literary and Historical society.
and had check in advance.
Il did not know the place at all My
train arrived at Doleville just ten min
utes before the time l was billed to
appear on the platform. | was met at
the station by young fellow. who
said that the secretary was sick and
had deputed him to conduct me TO the
hall. He drove me there in a closed
carriage, and pulled up at the rear en-
trance.
AS / walked up towards the front
i saw that the hall was full of people
about 500 men and women, who
gave me fairly cordial reception,
with the customary clapping of hands.
Il made my bow. / had been billed
for a 'patter' entertainment, and
started off with some preliminary
monologue nonsense, which lasted
probably about ten minutes. Then
stopped to take breath and to give
them chance to applaud. But the
only visible signs of intelligence
among those 500 men and women
were few Questioning chances that
folks directed to those sitting near
them-as though they were thorough
ly mystified and did not know what /
was driving at
They're worse than / thought
said to myself. Perhaps a few mo-
ther-in-law jokes might come within
the range of their intellectual posi-
bilities;' and l revitalized some of
those refined conceits that used to be-
guile the long evenings of our ances-
tors in the stone age. But every one
of those jokes fell fiat
In the hope that there might be
some English people or people of Eng
lish parentage in the audience, | next
experimental on them with a success
sion of the most atrocious puns that
ever were perpetrated on either side
of the Atlantic.
But those 500 men and women con-
tinued 10 gaze at me in sad-eyed i'm
mobility of countenance.
Il told them stories of Scotchmen
1rishmen, Germans and Jews-dialect
stories and simple anecdotes; but in
spite OF all l could do they maintained
their stolid imperturbability of mein
Il told them of a man going home
at three o'clock in the morning and
betting a companion that his wife's
first words to him would be. My dear.
Maybe you know how it goes. Man
rings and kicks when he gets to the
door of his house; wife sticks head
out OF upper window and snaps out
Who's there? Man answers, It's me.
my dear. Wife snarls, My dear-my
devil and man wins bet.
Il thought l detected the faintest
suspicion OF smile on the features
of an old gent sitting in the 'front.'
fancied l had set him thinking of the
days long ago when he had been q
sad dog himself. Well, a drowning
man clutches at straws. you know.
and for the next 10 minutes / a.
dressed myself exclusively to that
hoary old reprobate, telling him all
the funny stories of drunken men that
i could remember or extemporiZe. But
he had evidently relapsed into the
same comatose condition as the rest
of my audience, and / failed to ava
ken the faintest appearance OF inter
est in him or anybody else
In sheer desperation resolved
upon novel and idiotic expedient. In
the drawing. singsong stammering
style of bucolic schoolboy / began
reciting Twinkle twinkle. little star
and just as ] started observed a gen.
tleman come in at the door at the far
end of the room and take a seat.
had not recited more than half a doz-
en- lines before the newcomer gave a
tremendous guffaw-to me welcome as
sail seen by a shipwrecked mariner
on desert island far out of the ocean
highways. ! gave the stranger a
grateful look, and for the rest of the
evening ] addressed myself to him.
pointedly looking and talking over the
heads of the rest of my audience.
"As ] continued my recitation. my
friend at the far end OF the hall was
seized with a perfect paroxysm of
mirth. He fairly shook and choked
with laughter. Before 7 was through
with Twinkle, twinkle, little star he
had fallen from his chair and was
rolling and writhing on the floor in a
perfect frenzy of mirth
Before proceeding to my next ef.
fort ! waited two or three minutes for
my friend TO recover his composure.
and then said:
of the gentleman at the back Of
the hall will kindly give me his atten.
ton ! will now tell him the wonderful
story of the three-legged camel. the
blind sheik. the hair-lipped dragoman
and the lost gourd-a story which
Rnmnana Tho TLirI Lin-, ~ L. .