Willmar tribune. [volume] (Willmar, Minn.) 1895-1931, 1907-05-22
TACK PARROT HEA RD FROM.

8 3 ~
The other evening just as l was
getting reddy to go to bed l hurd a
tremendous hammering at the kitch-
en- door. Thinking that the hows
must be on flyer, l throo the door
open kwick as a flash, and beheld a
site that is as indellibly fikst on my
mind as a fresh paint spot on a
pare of white summer trowsers. |
wish l had the gift of a Shaikspeer,
and Backyard Kipling roald into
one, that l mite trooly portray the
horribel phenomenon.
There stood sumthing that lookd
like my old friend Jack Parrot, but
owe how awlterd! His hare stood
on end SO stiff that it wood hav
punktewrd the tyer of emmy nawty-
mobeel; his ize build owt so yu
kood hev hung an overkote on eich
of them; his meas wur beeting the
revalia agenst eich other; his teath
wur chattering at the raft of 24O
clicks per minnit, and his hands
shook like bashful yung man try
ing to propoas to a pritty yung lai-
dy. l kawt him just as he was
about to kollaps, droo him into the
kitchen, set him doun in chare,
pourd two kups of koffy and doas
of Wards linnyment doun his throte,
put a pees Of rubber betwean his
teath so l kood maik myself hurd,
and then askd him the whyness of
this thusness. Being sun1what re-
vivid by the doases l had given him
Jack at last regaynd his power of
speach and gushd owt the following
tail of woe:
20, Jim, this is horribel! re-
turnd to toun short while ago and
hav just bin reeding the Gazoot and
the andsoforth. l suppoas yu don't
reed them, which akkownts for yur
kamness. Do .yu no, Jim, that we
hav no polees protekshun in this toun
in the daytime? Do yu no that the
horribel noos has gon owt to the
uttermoast parts of the wurld, and
that from. every part of this
terrestrial gloab an army Of no.
bows, theevs, robbers, murderers,
litening rod peddlers, footpads,
bucketshop keepers, gamblers,
book agents, exzettery, is rush.
ing toards Willmar? Kant yu here
the ground tremble under the in
noomearbel feat of this nifty army
that is now on the way and will
soon be kampd awl arownd the sit
ty reddy to poar in and overwhelm
us as soon as it is broad daylight
and the mite policeman has gon to
sleap? O-o-o-o, that l shood liv to
sea sech kalammitty befawl this
bewtfyull sitty' And Jack kol-
lapsd agen.
Jack SEE I, trying to sooth
him by stroaking his hare, and get
ting my fingers prikkd by the
spines, ''yu shoodent reed sech
dime novel litteratewr jest be-
foar bedtime; it amt helthy for
sech a dellykait konstitooshun as
yurs. The Willmar klymait is en-
tyerly too dry for the army yu
speek Of. Besides, moast of them
prefer to work when the sun has
set, and thay ar even oppoasd to
ekspoasing themselvs and THAR DEL
lykait komplekshuns to the CLAIR of
the elektrick lites. AS we still
hev a mite poleesman thare seams
to be very littel daimler. Sins
the day poleesman dekorayshun was
taken off l hev waukd the streats
with as mulch as 40 sents in my
pokket which is probably an aver
ali amownt among men like yu and
me, and no man has molested me,
nor hev hurd of ennyboddy els be-
ing tuchd; and if l shood be TAX
keld sum day don't no but that l
wood just as soon go doun and rowt
owt the mite policeman, whom
wood no WHARF to find, as to hunt
awl over toun for the day polees-
man. Besides, the resolooshun Elk
spressly provides that the mayor,
kan appoint day policeman if he
finds it necessary. We hev: a
sheriff hoo is kommonly repoarted
to be rather a wideawaik sort of a
fello, deppewty sheriff., mite
polees and a mayor hoo kan ekser-.
size polees power, and rekken we
kan wurry along spell with that
and if it don't wurk we kan get a
day polees that. will wurk. - 10 ~.
Jack was sumwhat soothd and af-
ter while I hehpd him hoam and
got him to bed. After a while ek-
|shawsted natewr sassurted herself
and he sank into a kwyet slumber.
i left him after kawshuning his
wife to keap awl existing penny
|dredfull litteratewr away from him
till his nurvus sistem had rekoverd