The Washington herald., 1907-08-25

Alas and alack! Ye gourmets and ye
men whose one and only thought is a
massive board groaning with good things
to eat and drink: listen ye, a sad tale,
forsooth!
Ye have not acted well in the twelve
moons that passed with Neptune. the god
Of the briny deep. and his piscatorial and
crustacean powers. his mermaids and his
nymphs. Punishment, dire punishment, is
in store for ye, and the future is porten-
tous with misfortune. indeed.
oysters are going TO be very scarce
this year. Not only that but they are
small, too small entirely. Regular dwarf
oysters. No big oysters in sight. VIII be
high in price the big ones. About SIS
a gallon OF $50 or 81. maybe. Prospects
are not bit promising. Don't know If
later in the season theren be a change
for the better. Doubt It very much. We
can usually tell at this time Season will
soon open, and if We don't know now,
well never know"
Oyster Crop Is short
The above is the declaration Of the
manager Of one OF the biggest oyster and
fish houses in town as regards the pros
pective oyster crop and their quality this
season Other dealers agree with him,
and are not carried away by the political
slogan Of the day of this being "the era
OF prosperity, plenty. and happiness" In
their innermost mind they combat this
theory with unimpeachable evidence.
Much has been said about the virtues
OF the succulent bivalve. but precious lit
tie authoritative information has ever
been argued about the fact as TO who
was the first person that discovered that
the oyster was really meant to be eaten
Don Marquis, formerly a well-known
newspaper man Of this city. has investi-
gated the matter and has penned
Uncle Remus' Magazine, Of which he is
the associate editor:
Says Mr.. Marquis: The R-less months
are over; It is time to uncan the annual
oyster editorial Charles Lamb explains
how roast pig was discovered by man.
kind; il is likely that the manner In
which the oyster first found his way
into our midst was almost exactly sim
liar
BritOns Ftrstg
THE Romans. we believe, found the
Britons eating oysters; where did the
Britons learn It? Undoubtedly man first
met the oyster away back in the dim
dawn Of time. perhaps before Atlantis
sank, in the glad days when polts and
saurians slithered through the yesty seas
and the wild dOdo blurbed az the ventur-
Gus nature-fakers from every Jungle. The
Christopher Columbus OF the oyster-dls-
coverer Of a new world OF gastronomic
JOY waded into the surf one eventfuI
morning to catch dead fish or even liv-
ing ones. II his gods were good 20 him)
with his hands.
"A few feet from the shore. and he
felt that his toe was grasped and held
by some unseen enemy; perhaps by some
malign spirit. some hidden water-devil.
Columbus sat down suddenly in the wa
ter. He shook his foot. He hOwled II
availed nothing. The oyster had impuI-
sively attached himself 10 mankind and
was too agitated to let go gracefully
Then began a struggle: the water mon
ster trying 10 pun the man out 20 open
sea, where It might devour him at its
leisure; the man fighting his way to-
ward the land
Mans Narrow Escape.
TT was a thrilling moment, all things
considered, and fraught with destiny and
things; If the oyster swallowed the man
before the man tasted the oyster, the
plan of evolution would get a hunch TO
starboard that it might not recover from
for several hundred years; man would
become the oysters prey. the human
race would gradually disappear, the oys-
ter, the more fit OF the two. would sur
vive; the destiny OF the world hung upon
that tug Of war; which was the more fit.
Gradually Columbus (the ocean seething
like a caldron with the turmoil of
their Efforts. dragged himself upon dry
land, and standing upon his free foot he
tried 10 kick his foe into the offing with
one mighty swing OF the incumbered
member But Il was no use; that big
bull oyster. now roaring with rage. and
lashing the shingle with its tail. refused
to be discarded. Finally, in desperation,
Columbus put his foot on one rock and
smashed the oysters shell with another
rock He also smashed his toes. What
do you do when you mash your finger?
Put it in your mouth? 30 likewise did
Columbus with his toe. The trick was
done; the oyster was tasted.
News Goes from Cove to Cove.
"And then, around the earth from coast
to coast. and cove to cove, the glad news
ran; soon all the world and his wife put
their best feet foremost and waded into
the ocean, hoping to catch oysters there
upon.
1T was many hundreds Of years before
the discovery was made that it was not
necessary to catch oysters on toes, and
even after the discovery was made it was
for a long time considered very uncon-
ventional, scarcely respectable, to catch
them otherwise than or toes. There were
even several wars about it. the conserva-
tive arguing very logically that If the
gods had intended mankind to catch oys-
ters in any other manner they would not
have revealed the first oyster IN that
way.
But as time progresses, the old-fash-
ions change the best-beloved institutions
perish, the ancient landmarks are cut I'D
into kindling wood, the old gods die, and
incorrect manners become correct ones. |
Now, 1t would not be considered good
form TO catch oysters with your toes"