The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1907-11-14

ENGLISH HuMoR.



The English sense of hnrnor. oft ma
Eiigned, is being Sfndicated, and from
among the mmo people. is springiBS d
nation OF jokers that are rot to be eN-
,celled, even by the Irish, says the New
Orleans Picayune. Illustrated Bits. a Lon
don publication, noted more for Its good
material than for its great size. has been
Offering prizes for the best short stories
sent In by its readers and is meeting with
great response. Some of the specimens
are found below. Do YOU recognize any
of them?
Podgers was an old mar who was lust
getting over an attack of rheumatic few
er. during which his wife had been In the
habit OF sitting by his bedside to comfort
him, and often shed tears at his evident
suffering. When he was convalescent he
met one of his friends, who asked:
How are you getting on, Podgersg'
"Ohi badly. Don't seem to make much
progress. And it is all because of my
WIFE.
Dear me! you surprise me, Podgers.
She seems such a devoted nurse
All. you don't know her. man., The
doctor always said that a damp room was
the very worst thing for me, and hat
woman used to sit and cry just to make
the air damp!"
a CGEldiII InOlilST-4Al-ldW w udu StayeQG So
often with her daughter as to quarrel with
the husband. and one day, when she again
came to stay, she found her daughter in
hears on the doorstep. II suppose George
has left you.' she smiled. "Yess--sob.
Then there's a woman In the case?" she
asked. her eyes lighting up expectantly.
'Yes"-sob. VINO 1t ISL she demanded.
""You''-sob. "Gracious!" exclaimed the
mother-in-law. Il am sure l never gave
him any encouragement"
AT one of the Safeguards a gentleman
observed a disqualified jockey and a horse
dealer haggling over the sale of a horse.
Full of curiosity when the two separated,
and anxious to know how two such shrewd
characters had ~bargained, the gentleman
called the Jockey to him, and inquired
how much he had got for his animal.
The jockey opened his hand and showed
a sovereign and a form.
But isn't hat very cheap?'
NO" said the jockey; hes dead lame
The gentleman then sough. the dealer,
and said:
$50 you've given twenty-five shillings
for a lame horse?"
The dealer laid his finger on his nose,
and said:
Lame! He's as sound as you are: /
saw he was badly shod. and only limped
In consequence
The inquirer returned to the jockey. and
reported what the dealer said. The form
er gave a tremendous and significant wink,
and whispered:
Hes as lame as a two-lugged stool. |
had him badly shod on purpose TO make
them believe thai that was the cause Of
his limping.''
When this was communicated to the
dealer he seemed for the moment taken
aback, and hung his head: then, with a
little sigh and q shrug OF his shouIders,
he said, quietly:
"Ah! well; it's all right-it was a bad
sovcreign!"
Mr.. Jones had a country house and had
run up to town. On his return journey
! the train came into collision, oc~casioning
damage and delay. Mr.. Jones was shaken.
but not otherwise hurt. He got a friend
to telegraph for him, which he did. to the
following effect: Serious accident. MIR.
Jones remains. Coming $50 p. m. train"
But the clerk transposed the message
thus: Serious accident. Mr.. Jones re-
mains coming $50 p. m. train" And
when that unfortunate gentleman arrived,
instead of finding his carriage, there was
an undertaken waiting to convey his re
mains to his sorrow-stricken family.
Mrs. Brown awoke her husband in the
dead OF night with the startling informa-
ton that she had just heard a burglar in
the room below. Now" she exclaimed.
excitedly, hes lighting one of those
cigars l gave you for your birthday. L
heard him pick up the box and put II
down again" Then John sat up and lis
tened. by jove, Mary. you're right he
answered. He is! He's actually smok-
ing one of those-er-er those cigars. Then
he nestled once more comfortably be-
meath the blankets. GO to sleep again.
Mary" he said, complacently; well find
the poor wretch IN the morning"
Jeweler-"You say you want some name
engraved on this ring?"
Young Man-"Yes; l want the words
George to his dearest Alice engraved on
the inside Of the ring"
is the young lady your sister,"
mo she is the young lady to whom l
am engaged"
George to his dearest Alice engraved on
the ring. If Alice changes her mind, you
can't use the ring again"
What would you suggest?"
Il would suggest that the words be
George, to his first and only love You
ring half a /ozen times. | have had ex-
o%erience In such matters myself"
An old farmer in the Midlands was anx-
ious to marry, but could not make up his
mind between the charms Of a certain
coHelS "iuoW III II HeisHpoTloou aiiu
her equally charming daughter.
At last he determined to let chance solve
the problem.
III ak tn one as I fust sees a-goin' in
he muttered, and off he started on his
amatory errand. But when he arrived,
both mother and daughter were sitting IN
the doorway.
Dang IT, he cried. Here was 1 COM
In to ak one o zee to marry me. an /
swore the fust VI Should ha' the chance.
But there we both be together. I'll shet
my eyes now. and the one as doan't want
me nun go indoors. TIL one as stays IS
my wife to BE-"
Shutting his eyes, the old farmer counted
ten solemnly: there was a subduod
chuckle, but when he opened them both
tad gone.
Quaker Reflections.
- From the EIila.aiLLia Rcus.