Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1907-09-14
TRAINING A HUSBAND

being chaste vaudeville.
| There were two OF them. The dun,py one
didn't say much. But the angular, Ratchet
| faced was there"
| Look over there in the box-huh,-in a
! hox.-there's that pasty faced. watery
eyed. shingle-shaped Toechalk creature!
was the way she opened up not more than
| three seconds after she'd pumped herself
| into her seat and taken peek around the
! house. Made up. as usual. within an inch
| of her life. Dye know what l heard about
| her the other day? Why. that she makes
| her poor. little. pitifu. spineless husband do
his home smoking on the rear fire escape OF
their fiat! Just as true as live and breathe
| 1 heard that
| Friend of mine who lives in the same
| fat with the Toechalks told me. Said she
often noticed that wretched little Toechalk
| man--really, l can't pity him much, allow
! ing his wife to bundoze him that way
| standing out on his rear fire escape after
dinner. smoking away for dear NE on
| cigar almost as big himself. But she
| said she never dreamed. naturally that he
nad to take to the fire escape to get an
! after dinner smoke for himself she mag
! inej that maybe he was a fresh air crank
| or that he didn't enjoy his smoking unless
! he was in the open air. or that, perhaps. he
(. was merely trying 10 get away from the
, sound of his wfe's voice for a little while
! dear knows I'd never blame him for that
! or that. perhaps. he wanted to spy around
/ from his position on the nre escape anu
soc what he could see.
I But she never entertained the idea, she
! told me- that the backboneless poor little
! man was being actually chased out to me
J fire escape to take his after dinner smoke
Whv the idea of such a thing. I'd just as
| lief be tied for life to 4 Hottentot or a FIJI
! Islander as a man who didn't have enough
, SUNK to insist upon smoking anywhere
! around the house that he wanted to-
! simply can't understand a man allowing his
! wife to dictate to him in such matters
! Now nv husband does all OF his smoking
| at home in the kitchen Of our fiat: taught
! him to prefer the kitchen to smoke IN. ara
/ now he never says n word about IT. pu' JUST
goes out there and does his smoking ai'er
| meals ,
! all over the place. but when ! pointed OUT
i TO him how much nicer 1t would be Tor MN
! to smoke in the kitchen, and nowhere else use
| why he entered into my idea pc!1ecuy lihe
| a sensible man. l Just carried an easier
! chair cut into the kitchen one evening
! after dinner and placed his evening paper
! over the arm of the chair. and. then. when
j he was ready to smoke and reached INTO
! the EASY chair in the kitchen without say.
! ire a word and he went out there no.
. saving word either, and then closed
the door leading from the k at tbe .. smoke
! could get in there ard told him to open
the kitchen windows wide, and ne ga II ~, az
! Just that way. and | haven't nad 49,, n'' We
| If trouble over his smoking Sincf. re
! knows nerfectlv we'll. of course, that ne mas
! the privilege of smoking anywhere IN Int
apartment that he wants to, nut ne ~ n
| the man to take advantage Of the priNlleses
7 grant minded not. He consuits NY
| likes and disiikes He's Just as inaepenueIii.
! as hog on ice. Of course put ina uot ~
! nreyent him from doing the u'lnss III, ND
| nleasa me I am positive that he rather
smoke in the kitchen than anywhere else
| in tho apartment. ,. 5,.,-;ro
! Nv Int Won lust ought to smell the Vrs,i-
b,I,e downst and the downstairs nan
. and the elevator. when the men to'ks III out
apartment come home from I'M ous' -
! IN THO ayenine, It's n combination OF pop
narr,int and cloves and roasted coFee ana
siIch nonsens' cal things that those STUPID
| men have taken with the idea tnae my ~
| be abe to disguise their nreaths iroii' ''e''
NAV nv husband and I have perfect
| understanding as to his drinking. ana we
never have the least sembance or auar
rel about It. He knows perfectly wen ina
| T will not tolerate drinking on his part
! At first for a year or so after we were
| married. he would come In from his busi-
ness occasionally with his breath smeiins
of things that it had no right to smell OF.
| although Of course. I never knew MIN 70
! drink to excess But up and tod him that
/ he'd simply have to quit drinking alto
| satner or stay away from me entireiy
whenever he took so much as one dr,nK-lt
| would have to be one thing or the other
"a agreed TO my suggestion with the
grea test good WILL and so that Is our little
arrangement.
| drink WHY he simply does not come home
| at all He telephones out to me that ne
| detained by business or something or other
| and then I perfectly understand that ne
/ has foolishly taken one drink. ana tnat set
| ties It, He knows the way l think about
! It. and our rule. and 50 he doesn't come
! home at all Sometimes he stays away
| from the fiat for two whole days and
! nights Just because. feeling guilty and
1 hat nnn
| he doesn't Ike to come home and face me
and own UP to 1t. He goes to some friends
house and stays when this happens .
| "He feels so sheepish after taking that
| one drink, knowing how strongly feel on
| the subject, that he Simply has not the
nerve to come home and confess ana ne
/ has more consideration for me, anyhow.
| He is perfectly Obedient to the rule we
| have made with regard to the matter and
never thinks Of violating it. When. after
| being away for a couple of days out of
! shame over having yielded to the tempta-
| ton to take that one drink, he generally
looks so sick and cut up and down in the
| mouth and miserable when he returns
| home that he has to go to bed and rest ami
| compose himself. and he never says word
| about the business because he, of course.
| feels that he has been a weaklng in taking
! that one drink. and he knows that there's
| nothing for him to say.
| "You see, If you use only ordinary COM
! mon sense there's nothing really difficult
about handling n man. If all the married
women would adopt my simple system and
make the rigid rule that their husbands
would simply have to stay away from
| home long they hai so much as the
| symptom of the smell of drink upon them,
! how much better off they'd be-
| IF you go about 1t in the right way. as
| I say, it's Just easy to train a husband
as 1t is to train kitten a canary bird.
| Now, you know how fond of Liurburger
| cheese I am once in while-not often. you
| know, my dear. but just occasionally, and
when l want it l simply must have 1t. Now
| my husband simply cannot tolerate the
| smell of I.inburger cheese. It's an affecta-
| ton on his part, of course, like a lot of the
| airs these men put on, but he pretends that
| It's genuine.
| when l first ate Limburger cheese be-
| fore him he snorted and beloved around
| and declared that he wasn't going to have
! 1t, and all that sort of humbug; but l
| cooled him down pretty quick by telling
| him that there wouldn't be any pork chops
| In our fiat until he learned to tolerate the
| smell of Limburger-and he IS just crazy
| over pork chops. He had the nerve to say
| that pork chops were decent, human food
| although I can't endure them whereas he
| said. Limburger was not fit for savages.
| But l never say anything to my husband
without meaning 1t. and he went hungry
| for pork chops for two months that winter.
! nyNIH