The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1907-02-24
W7E4lMs OF THE lDLER
Old Sinner Stands Mortal Fear Of Being investigated

When last took to the Chickahominy
Swamp and hid chin-deep in the mosqut-
| to-infested slashes with the sheep burrs
mobilizing In my hair and the seed tick
rendezvousing under my ears, it was be-
cause the woman who bosses my home
! vas giving pink tea, and l preferred
| natures solitude to feminine Eibble-
| gable.
But the next time hide among the cat
| tails. the sedge and the wild-grape 1t will
! all be due to my fear of scrutiny by a
| to rake over my record with an inQuisi-
| torial fne-tooth comb.
AS notary public-and therefore a
public of1lcial--I am at any time liable
to such an ordeal, and when the day
| comes7-well, l tremble at the develop
ments and promise to sell my reputation
to a guano mill to be worked up in fer
tilizer.
Whenever there's nothing doing these
days we Investigate" somebody, and then
life gets worth living-leastwise for the
investigators and those reading the news
paper accounts of the man-hunt.
AS for the investigatee-such word
might as we'll be coined right now,
and I'm going to coin it--he doesn't
stand any more show than bear in
the region of fire and birthstone
without his usual equipment Of claws
Were he innocent-which he never
is--he would be translated hence In
biblical fashion. and If the finger OF
proof is placed upon his peculations.
then his name becomes n mere grease
pot on the public office he fromerly
| filled. and people shudder at Its very
mention.
| Just why they shudder is not quite
| clear. It may be because they wonder
If they'll get caught next. or 1t may
be due to the fact that they think
| the other fellow was fool for letting
| Is always a fool for getting caught,
and yet history shows that tho best
| OF men have been nabbed.
In other Words history has never
been lacking in fools, while it is
| reasonable to suppose that full many
! n one is born to blush unseen among
the uninvesligated.
! This article isn't aimed at anybody in
particular. but rather at the whole
| human race, which Is q queer bunch
any way you take en-. And there is one
general proposition which will always
hold good In any clime-and particularly
In public otiice--folts nre all Investigates
! BILE. and the day they are brought tc
taw Is the day theyd better look out 70,
| trouble.
If you DO everything you ought to do
life isn't worth living. and II you dom
! do everything you ought to---nnd get In
yestigated-you want to die, SO how is
one to get ahead Of the gamo? It's c
case of dashed If you DO and dashed i
4 you don't always, however, with thi:
/ proviso: it's n much mushlcr job to b.
the Investigator than 1t is to be the in
vestigatee.
Tho investigator, for the time being
| 81 1noc at hnc pot N 10
buried. embalmed and heaped with fora
ornaments, but it doesn't take him fv'
minutes to prove that the other fellow
record is so shocking that the cremator.
balks at the thought Of incncrating it.
To use tho cnaste language of that
jocund Wight Horace Albert riawkins
the Investigator kicks the corpse
While the multitude looks on and en-
courages the process. All OF which !:
beautifully illustrative OF mans in
humanity TO man. and Of the awfu
mistake ono makes In becoming en-.
tangled in tho meshes of detection.
Indeed. 1t Is never good form to &c
caught, Ask any burglar or EN-
bezzlcr or highwayman. and he vii
tell you, the same thing.
But 1t should not be understood tina
this commentator puts the average in
vestigatee in the burglar. embeZzle
or highwaymnn class. On the con
trary, he thinks that many goo,
man with striking minimum of cnl
lous spots on his conscience has beel
hauled up before some inqulsitlon an,
ruined for life.
Unfortunately, up to the present time
! there has been no detective ngcnc
established for the purpose of cxposin
the good things in peoples character
!, nor does the brass band ever turn ou
? to serenade virtue.
II It's thing that everybody want
: everybody else to havo, YET nobod
. is willing to credit his fellow man
account with the quality when It
discovered True. the law says tina
q every one is presumed to be innocen
Il until he Is proved to be guilty, bu
:, the general public Is monstrous will
!, ing to give the prosecution the benz
/. ~ OF the doubt. Let a poor wretch
G foot slip and the ensuing ,hud is hear
Il even by the deaf.
The lecturer who undertakes to tc
= about the strong points in George Wasl
ington or TO throw bouquets at Iienr
n Clay or Carrie Nation usually has
subpoena his audience with free ticket
but the investigating cornmittee prepa
ms 70 dynamite q character always PLAY
TO- standing room only" whenever Ii a,
Neftises n KILLING.
When Brer Fox and Brer Wolf an
Ere1 Bar go to try Brer Rabbit, ever
paIllht that uses IN the woods and II
heids comes 20 pet whifi Of the roastil
Land the sizzln'
Erer skunk, whose own reputation
i',"s' nnsavoiy, is thar in the front sea
y Mt ala - 4.