The new enterprise. (Madison, Fla.) 1901-1908, 1907-01-24
II Courage, Weary Diner. t 3
Tingley Has Invented a Quietus + A
T for Aner-Dinner Speakers. /


whose hoary antiquity he alone seemed
to be ignorant. He dragged them
from their graves with the glee of a
grinning ghoul. But as even the
effort and inclination to be humorous
are rare at banquets, the audience ac-
claimed him with gratitude. But he
introduced Senator Peavey, whose SUBJ
ject was Peace hath her victories no
less renownd than war.-Milton."
He spent five minutes saying that he
was no speaker and twenty-five min
utes proving it beyond a shadow of
| doubt.
He began logically with the first war,
that Of Cain and Abel, and came down
the valleys of history with the deliber-
alton Of a glacier, neglecting few de-
tails and freezing everything he touch
! cd.
People coughed, shufiied their feet,
talked and groaned. One man gave
vent 10 a cayernous and reverberant
yawn. Everybody laughed. But the
speaker ignored him.
At the end of thirty minutes Senator
Peavey had reached the paintings OF
Verestchagin, which he described with
detail that was narrowing without be-
ing interesting.
a man from Texas delighted group
by declaring, IF he doesn't shut M
I'll shoot him. but he disappointed
them by inaction, though they prom
IA 80 hD,
icide in self-defence. But nobody ever
does the things that everybody wants
% do.
In the balcony a few women sat
yawning behind their fans and wonder
ed what men saw in these affairs. But
like all things mundane, even Peavey
anne to an end.
Again a long interlude by the in
corrigibie POSTMASTER, then he intro
| duced Congressman Quinby. Now,
! Quinby was chiefly famous for the
occasion when he prevented the House
rom voting on bill by talking against
It for thirty-siX hours, at which time
the exhausted majority promised him
anything if he would quit.
He began as if he were going to do
it again but Mr.. Tingley. grew des
perate. He rose from his place and
! sneakod from the room under pre-
/ tence that he was overcome with
| nose-bleed. Less coura gous diners
! ca2el at him with envy and longed for
q hemorrhage or a paralytic stroke 10
rescue them.
Once out of the room, Tilgley decid-
ed TO walk home The silence of the
sky and the beautiful repose of the
| slittering stars led the thoughts TO
that heaven where there is no after
dinner speaking. 1t soothed him and
uDlifted his soul to a height where he
longed to do something to help his
suffering fellow men and to leave a
name that posterity should call
! blessed.
Plainly the crying need of the TWEEN
tieth century was a means of choking
off long speeches after dinners. Warn
ings, prayers, hints, did no good. Ting
ley had once heard a desperate toast
master introduce speaker thus:
THE hour is exceedingly late. Every
one wants TO go home. call upon
Mr. Thaddeus Budd, because | know
he has the good taste to close the oc-
caslon with about half a dozen words. "
After such preface. Tingley had
seen this man Budd rise and talk for
one hour by the clock. And one hour
of after-dinner speaking equals a cycle
Of Cathay.
He had seen speakers who had talked
on and on while the banqueters, one
by one, in common despair folded
their napkins like the Arabs and as
silently stole away.
He had seen speakers provoke a riot
Of protest and talk it down.
He had seen speakers resist the tug
ging of the POSTMASTER at their coat
tails
1t was evident that the relief was
not to be found in admonition or pray
er or in any human Intervention. The
simplest means Of ending the evils of
after-dinner speeches would be, of
course, to give up the dinners. But
| Tingley knew that men liked to get
! together in regalia over the board.
II was a survival of primitive and can
nibal times.
1 But in those days." he unused, IF
q man talked TOO long TIE rest prob
l ably p--ahhad him thra,y hin, In ,ha