Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1907-09-05
THE PROFESSORS WAY.


Professor Sweetzer, naturalist for
certain New England college. was a
little man. He was round shouldered.
he was awkward on his legs. He
wore goggles for his weak eyes, and
he arrived at the age of 50 without
having loved. AS between bugs and
beetles and women. the bugs and the
beetles were ahead. 1t was only on
rare occasions and when under the
stress OF excitement that he took the
slightest notice of the other sex. Even
when be did sit up and take notice OF
them he could not have recalled bali
an hour later what he said or whether
they had red hair or black.
On certain day it came to the
ears of Professor Sweetzer that por.
ton of the vertebrae of whale had
been found on farm in Connecticut
He arrived on the spot next day and
verified the find. -On an occasion
thousands of years before an old bull
whale had decided to take trip in
land and through some error of judg'
ment had left his bon+s in gravel
pit. A piece of the backbone elk feet
long had been uncovered. The pro-
fessor wanted to excavate for the rest.
Where there is six feet of whale you
can take it that there is more. He en-
gagged board at the Widow Wsbb's
and hired man to WELD the pick
and shovel and thus went to work.
The Widow Webb was lat and forty
and childless. She was worth stony
farm and $500 in cash. A still older
sister lived with her, and the farm
work was done by a hired man with
the good old-fashioned name of Hiram
Stebbins. Hiram was thirty-6ve and
drank nothing stronger than cider
but he thought deeply. One thought
was that if he married the widow he
would become the possessor Of the
farm and $500. He had been think.
ing of this and taking the farm work
easy when Professor Sweetzer put in
an appearance. Hiram looked at him
and grinned. If any one had told
HIM that within week he would be
jealous of that little dried up and
humpbacked specimen of humanity,
he would have roared with laughter.
AS soon as the professor had in
spected the bone and become enthusi-
astic, he was a changed man. He
became fluent talker. He became
fatherly toward the widow. he called
her my child,'' and often took her
hand and held it while he tried to
make her understand that a whale
was cachelot and that cachelot
could stand on his tail in the water
as well as on his head.
When Hiram witnessed the hand
holding act, he quit grinning. He
was mad all that day as he hoed corn.
He was mad when he came up to
supper. he was mad when one Of
the COWS kicked him at milking time.
While the professor took a-ramble in
search Of beetles, Hiram carried the
milk into the kitchen and began:
"Widder Webb, how does it feel to
have baboon holding your handa"
"Hiram, what do you mean2" was
demanded.
II mean that I have seen you and
that little runt of man squeezing
hands dozen times, and neither Of
you seems to care who stands by. Fell
in love mighty quick, didn't your"
"Look here. Mr.. Stebbins. you have
no right to talk tome this way. You
know who the professor is. He's.a
great man. He has taught me more
about whales in the last three daya
than knew in all my life before.
he alec knows all about birds and
bugs and bees. It's twice as interest
ing to hear him talk as it is to hear a
sermon. H."
"Has feller got to squeeze your
hand to talk to you about whales 7"
asked Hiram.
HE hasn't squeezed it. That's
simply his way. BE ID fatherly
man. When he gets to talking he
don't know whether he has got hold
of my hand or the arm of q chair. You
ought to be ashamed of yourself to
talk as you do. ] always thought
there was mean and jealous streak
in you, aud now it's come out.
"Oh, it has, eh?" muttered Hiram.
Perhaps if I went around looking for
the bones Of an old whale I'd be all
right
uT cynass ~ uon1d ha heffer than