davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1907-06-23

If you want TO have the time Of your
life, drift into one of the offices of AIRY
OF the Government departments som .
day this week and watch the merry
maneuvering for vacations. Every Cow
ernnent clerk wants his or her vacation
at identically the same time that every
other clerk wants to go away. OF
course. this coincidence Of the vacation
Gates is not intentional. It's just the
way human nature works.
How do they manage 10 solve the
problem? They don't-that is. they don't
without leaving the scars Of many bat
ties and wounded feelings.
At the last moment, the head of a
room announces that the applications
for leaves of absence must be written
out This is done. Then the unhappy
head, of the room assigns the vacation
periods as best he can.
But Is he thanked for it?
He is. Is he not?
Yes. he is-not.
AT the most. only one person is
pleased. Sometimes not one is pleased.
People change their minds So
But drop around and see the fun. It's
a regular show.
A friend Of mine is a newspaper re-
porter That's a fact. He is. News
paper men are good friends when they
are friends.
This friend OF mine went 10 A hos
pital the other day TO inquire about an
injured lady whose prominence in the
social world made a mention Of her
worth while. He saw q trained nurse.
10 n
Doing we'll
What's the matter with herr"
At this, the trained nUrsed blushed
furiously. She was visibly emoar-
raised.
Her I-I-limbs are injured che finally
managed TO say.
What's the matter with her legsT
asked the reporter.
Now. the point Of this is, why should
that trained nurse have been embar-
raised at the mention Of the "l-I-limbs?
False mOdesty is a great mistake
Then, too. Il is such a waste II all the
false modesty in the world could be
transformed and made 10 swell the
somewhat meager store OF real mod
esty. the people would be better on.
6tLAAllK W III AAAt AAANA INNS - 81 - -
Gus task for most people, bun a IS es-
pecially so when ones sleep is disturbed
every half hour from O'Clock until he
Is forced to rise two hours later.
Ny next door neighbor is the cause OF
my beauty sleep being disturbed. In
stead Of having one call. he is so anx-
ious TO be on time at the ONCE that he
has arranged for half hourly calls start
ing at 5. The first is when the alarm
clock goes on. II is one of those twenty
minute fire gongs, sufficiently loud 70
wake a Philadelphia. At $50 he Is
called by the bellboy; at he is again
Weakened by the ringing Of the alarm
that ne has set Thirty minutes later
I again hear some one at his door, and
then when the alarm clock starts whir-
ring know IL is o'clock. II is then
time for me 20 get UP. Unless my next
door neighbor gets a less noisy awakener
il is me for another place OF habitation
Did you ever strike a boarding house
where the meat is shredded, the bread
stale and the vegetables Of ancient
growth? Where the tea causes one to
ask why the sanitary officer has not
been around 10 look at the water pipes.
so weak is the beverage? II you haven't
you are lucky. I had the misfortune 70
engage board and room at such a place,
The Washington times., 1907-06-23
THE KNOCKERS.

No matter how the umpire jumps
He's always got a lot of bumps
A-coming 10 him from the chaps
Who have no other way perhaps
To exercise except by thumps.
INDIANAPOLIS News.
The Washington times., 1907-06-23

The tariff war between the United
States and Germany looked for a while
like case Of dog eat dog, but it now
develops that the Germans are getting
all the dog diet.
The Washington times., 1907-06-23

President ingalls, says the railroads are
looking up. He might add also that
they are picking up considerable, judg-
ing by their financial statements
The Washington times., 1907-06-23

Seriously. now, some of these latter
day jokes OF Mark Twain's wouldn't be
so frightfully funny if somebody else
besides Mark were TO perpetrate them.
don't you known
The Washington times., 1907-06-23
Jhe TAIKoh6e TOWN
BY TIE TOWN TALKER

I paying two weeks in advance. which is
my usual custom of paying all debts
The first meal was bad. the second
worse. and the third intolerable. Thurs
day. after a dinner while three OF US
we're walking from the dining room one
os the crowd said Lets go out and have
9mething to eat" There has been a
81 tight Improvement in the meals since.
1 was walking along p street yester-
day at about 4:S0 p. m. when directly IN
front OF me I overheard a conversation
between a young girl and her gentleman
escort
AS early as I could Judge, the young
man as one OF the kind who never
works. and yet succeeds in getting
enough money to dress well and carry
cane. he was evidently "close to the
rocks"
AS they passed soda water establish
ment. the young girl sighed and looked
longingly at the cool drinks being dis
pensed within.
MY. how l. would enjoy a glass Of
soda" she said. glancing soulfuIIy at
her escort.
Wrong idea,' said he. Soda is the
most unhealthfuf thing you could drink
in warm weather. and ice cream is the
root Of all evil"
Il don't think so at all" replied she,
pouting prettily.
A few steps further on they reache,- a
candy store.
Wouldn't I like to have some good
candy" said the girl.
Candy is made of glucose. and is
therefore unhealthy" s3ud her escort,
severely.
"Oh. you don't sayr' said the girl
angrily. We'll. ] guess TN take a car
home; and. what's more. I'll go by my
self" and she walked of. leaving her
forsaken companion standing on the
curbstone and wondering what the
trouble was.
While riding on a Fourteenth street
car yesterday I had my attention called
TO perfect type OF the conventional
molIycoddle. His trousers were rolled
up some six inches or more. displaying
a widely checked. red and green sock.
His coat was very long. his hat was
turned I'D in front and surmounted by a
vari-hued band All IN all, he answered
my ideal Of the accepted "moll.'
I first noticed him because Of the
cigarette he was smoking II was i'm
possible 10 sit in a car with such
cigarette as that and not notice IT, It's
odor. resembling that OF burning rags.
permeate6 every nook and crevice OF
the car.
A big healthy fellow sat directly be-
hind 'Moll." and the strong. mpIeas-
ant odor seemed 10 arouse him more
and more as we rolled along
You" he said finally: say. choke
that internal machine and I'll give you
cigar"
The moilycoddle turned in his seat
and stared.
III You don't hurry I'll throw you or
the car continued the big fellow
Me deah boy" said Mol. do you
mean to say that you object 10 the odah
Of me cigarette7'
'fepE' said the other laconically
And You intend TO throw me from
the cab II refuse to put II out?''
Yep"
Then ! intens to get or" said
Immediately I will not wide with such
awealIy common person.
And he really did get of.
The prolonged spell" of winter
weather and the sudden dawning of
summer has apparently had little eject
on the spirits Of that portion Of the
The Washington times., 1907-06-23

OF course. there Is bound to be a good
deal Of wire pulling incident to a tele-
graphers' strike.
The Washington times., 1907-06-23

Market reports indicate that Wash
ington Gas is going up. Monthly bills
have suggested as much for quite a
spell.
The Washington times., 1907-06-23

The berry box with a V-shaped cor
sage is in style. but not exactly in favor.
The Washington times., 1907-06-23

Government employees who believe IN
seeing the bright side in everything and
getting all the amusement possible out
OF life.
Over at the Government Printing Of
fee there are certain Of the employees
who stave OF thoughts OF a probable
dismissal by Mr.. Sullings by playing
practical jokes on their friends. The
latest is done over the telephone.
Hello. Central: give me Main 1929.
Hello. is that Miss Jones?" the voice
will ask. and over the wire comes:
Yes, this Is Miss Jones'"
IAN right, Miss Jones, hold the line"
And then there is a dead silence.
When two or three minutes have passed
the same voice will say:
rs that you. Miss Jones2"
Yes" the fair one will reply. this is
Miss Jones. What is it?''
Well" comes the voice again. Miss
Jones. you needn't hold the line any
longer" And then-Fzzz.
A little group Of men in washington
viii testify that the common CT garden
variety Of sparrow in Washington mas
human intelligence The same men VIII
be willing 10 testify that q man could
not have made his wishes more plain
than did four little sparrows In the
parking on Pennsylvania avenue. be-
tween Thirteenth and Fourteenth
streets. the other day. Someone had
thrown a thin sheet OF cotton. used in
boxes OF candy, on the ground and
when a man, attracted by the apparent
concern OF the birds. stopped 10 watch
developments the four birds were tug
ging at the cotton in an effort 70 carry
II of II proved too heavy for them.
but only after half dozen men had
joined the first watcher.
The first man stepped over to where
the bros we're and OF they few. He
tore of four very small pieces Of the
cotton. and went back 10 his place.
Pretty soon A sparrow few back, picked
I'D one Of the pieces and few merrily
away toward the Southern railway
building. Hardly had he started on
before another returned. and the third.
and fourth. each picking up piece II
cotton and flying in the came direction
The man waited for their return, and
soon back they came Again they
tugged al the cotton. but II was even
then too heavy. and one OF the birds,
the hardest worker in the flock. man
aged 20 pull the cotton along the
ground. but could not fly with IT,
Finding that he could manage II. the
bird drew the cotton slowly along the
ground until IL almost reached the 1T
tie group Of men The bird few away
2 SHIRT distance. the same man tore
the cotton into small pieces ana aite5
sr,.araI trims the four sparrOws had
carried away every bit OF the cotton
THE men declared they would have
hard time convincing anyone OF the
truth OF the occurrence, but they went
away marveling.
The Washington times., 1907-06-23

He was up from the South for the
srs+ time since the civil war In the
Ianel Of his coat he wore Confeoerate
hutton Seated next 70 him on an n
street car was 2 gray-haired veteran
ring the bronze button Of the G-A-R-
..Cornrade.~ said the Southerner. turn
- - bie one-1ime foe. there isn't
-, .s,e,.re,ca between US now. except
- - an say guess and we Ill say
reckon =. - Ill oo,,Id
.1,rs,-s rIIess a blamed sight better man man
vo,, an could reckon replied the vi AilN
ADS inst then the car reached It's Ter
.,-T.ai and the two ord soldiers marcheo
IL, 81 arm through the swinging doors
of A nearby saloon
The Washington times., 1907-06-23

Did you ever strike a boarding house
where the meat is shredded, the bread
stale and the vegetables Of ancient
growth? Where the tea causes one to
ask why the sanitary officer has not
been around 10 look at the water pipes.
so weak is the beverage? II you haven't
you are lucky. I had the misfortune 70
engage board and room at such a place.
The Washington times., 1907-06-23

paying two weeks in advance. which is
my usual custom of paying all debts
The first meal was bad, the second
worse. and the third intolerable Thurs
day. after a dinner while three OF US
we're walking from the dining room one
os the crowd said Lets go out and have
s 3mething to eat" There has been a
81 tight Improvement in the meals since.
The Washington times., 1907-06-23

The prolonged spell of winter
weather and the sudden dawning Of
summer has apparently had little effect
on the spirits Of that portion Of the
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1907-11-15
Dodaed the Mustard Pot.

During tie rehearsals Of a panto-
mime In a Scottish town Glasgow,
think: Glasgow has always been an
eyentful place to meD a child was
wanted for the Spirit OF the Mustard
Pot. What more natural than tnGt my
father should offer my servicesf l had
n shock of pale yellow hair, was
small eno-.h 10 lie put into the prop
erty mustard put. and the Glasgow
stage manager would easily assume
that I had inherited talent Ny father
had acted with Macready in the stock
seasons both at Edinburgh and Gla5-
gov and bore very high reputation
with Scottish audiences. But the stage
manager and father alike reckoned
without their actressl When they tried
10 put me into the mustard pot yelled
Justify and showed more lung power
than aptitude for the stage.
"Put your child into the mustard pot'
Mr.. Terry" said the stage manager.
'Hang you and your mustard pot,
sir" sail my mortified father. Il won't
frighten my child for you or any one
else"
But. all the same, he was bitterly dis
appointed ut my first dramatic failure
and when we reached home he put me
I'm the corner to chasten me. "1oun
never make an actressv he said, shak-
ing a reproachful finger at me.-Eiien
Terry I'm McClure's Magazine.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1907-11-15
Mans Unwisdom.

The simplest and plainest laws or
health are outraged every hour OF the
day by the average man. Did Adam
smoke? Did Eve wear corsets? Did
Solomon chew tobacco? Did Ruth
chew gum? Did the children of Israel
make for beer garden aater crossing
the Red sea? Did Rebecca eat gum
drops and Ice cream and call for soda
water? Adam was the first and was
made perfect from head to heel. How
long would he remain so after eating
q mince pie before going TO bed? Sup
pose he had slept In bedroom five by
seven. with the windows down, the
door shut and two dogs under the bed .!
Suppose Eve had laced herself up n
a corset, put on tight shoes, sat up all
hours OF the night eating her I'LL OF
trash and slzzled her hair. When you
come TO look at the way man misbe-
haves himself you can only wonder he
ever lived TO get there. Verify, the av-
erage man behaves as II he were llttle
better than a foOl.-Woodbury Conn
Reporter
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1907-11-15
Preferred the Baby's Voice.

A New York scientist, the father OF
n large and growing family, has his
trmlbles. Ono evening his youngest
was holding forth in her best STYLE
The mother could do nothing with the
child. so the man Of science went 70
the rescue.
.I think | can quiet little Flora" ne
said "There's no use hummlng to her
I'm that silly way. What she wants is
real music. The fact that l used 10
sing In the glee club at Yale ana sung
well. too. may make difference
Accordingly, the professor took tne
child and. strldlng up and down the
room. sang In his best manner. he
had not finished the second verse OF bis
sone when a ring was heard. The
door was opened. and there stood giri
OF fourteen, who said:
~I'm one OF the family that's just
moved into the fat next to yours.
There's sick person with us, and he
SAYS, II It's all the same to you, would
YOU mind letting the baby cry instead
of singing to ltY-Success.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1907-11-15
Gentle Persuasion.

Many stories are told of the eccentric
doings and sayings of an old clergyman
who lived In Maine some years ago.
At one time there had been a fight
among some men, one of whom was
seriously hurt \ trial took place, and
the old minister, who had seen the af-
fray, was summoned as witness.
What was Salson doingF was the
first question.
"Oh, he was slashing around"
well, sir, just what do you mean by
that?'
why, he was knocking about him
here and there"
"Now, sir, kindly tell us plainly what
Salson did to this man."
"Why, he-he enticed him." said the
old minister slowly.
"Entlced him! How"
"Ie cnticed Lin With n crowbar. he
used the crowbar to persuade the man
to entice him-and by series Of
pokes and blows he succeeded IN doing
it," said the minister mildly.-Youths
Companion.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1907-11-15
Noah Under Suspicion.

The last copy Of the Ararat Journal,
published three days before the flood,
has recently been excavated from the
top drawer OF an oriental magnate's
desk.
1t says editorially:
'The radical utterances Of old man
Noah are to be strongly deprecated by
all conservative citizens. Especially
do we deplore his unwarranted attacks
on the sin trust and its worthy board
Of directors.
aside from the fact that these gen.
tlemen stand very high In the commu-
nifty. such wild denunciation and pre-
dictions of our people listened to last
evening are likely TO produce an unset
tied conditions of affairs and damage
business.
cit is generally believed that his mo-
tives are not above suspicion. In fact
those who are well Informed hint that
the old man has some watered and un-
digested stock of his own which he
expects TO float rs soon as the sin trust
is swamped. d."-Puck.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1907-11-15
No Fun FOR Boys.

in some Of the cantOns Of Switzer-
land they have special laws made for
boys. Here Is sample OF them:
"If boy throws stone and hits a
man he may be fined 3 francs.
IF boy throws n SNOWFALL and hits
a woman he may be fined 2 francs.
"If boy calls a girl red head he
may be fined from to francs.
"If a boy throws at frogs in pond
without being ordered to do so by his
father or teacher he shall be fined a
franc.
"If boy throws a stone and breaks
n window belonging to some one else
his father may whip him or he may be
fined francs.
"If boy makes q face at his teach
er or draws pictures of him on his
slate or speaks III of him he may be
fined 5 francs and have to beg his par
don.
"If a boy stones n dog or chases n
cat II Is q fine OF franc.
eff two boys fight without the con-
sent of their teacher II Is a fine of 3
francs.
"If a boy steals apples or other fruit
II is fine of francs, and he should be
beaten by his father"
The American boy who reads the
above will wonder what the Swiss boy
has to live for. About all he can do
and not be fined is 10 have the measles
or whooping cough.-Exchange-
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1907-11-15
Entered the Ministry.

Mother Hen after her brood OF Line
lad obtained a firm hold on life called
them together to counsel them on the
duty they owed to one another, but
particularly on the duty the eight girls
owed to the one boy Of her family. The
girls were to be mindful of Willie's
rights. TO call him when a choice NOR
sci was unearthed, TO prevent him
from quarrellng and 10 bring him back
when he wandered from the barnyard.
One day during a sisterly quarrel
brother disappeared. His sisters had
seen the minister enter the farmhouse
on a visit, but thought nothing Of 1t
until they saw poor Willie meet his
death by an AK.
CONSERVATION ensued, and council
was held to devise q way to meet the
mother hen and to break the news to
her.
"Cluck. cluck, cluckety, ciuck, cluck,"
said Mother Hen, breaking in on the
council of the sisters.
"Cluckety. cluckety, cluck." answer
ed the sisters In one voice, which trans
lated means, "Where is your brother"
and they answered, "The minister vis-
tied the house, and brother got 1t in
the neck"
Mother Hen was downcast, but she
quickly recovered her composure and
said:
"Cluckety, cluckety. cluck; cluck,
cluck. cluckety," which IS: II am sorry
for poor Willie. rejoice, however,
that he has entered the ministry, for
he would have made poor layman.
New York Tribune.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1907-11-15
A Lost Dollar.

A missionary bishop told at dinner
I'm New York, according to the Sun,
this story about Z. Marion Crawford,
the famous novelist:
"Mr Crawford went to school" he
said. "in Concord. and one day he was
taken to call at Il Concord clergyman'S.
The clergyman had a missionary box
on his drawing room table, and, time
hanging heavily on the boys hands, he
amused himself with trying whether
silver dollar-lt was all the money he
had In the world. and he had converted
II into that gigantic coin for safety
would go into the silt In the boX's top.
II was close fit. but unfortunately 1t
did 90. and the coin slipped out OF the
embryo authors fingers. There was
terrible crash Of silver falling among
the coppers. and then the boy, as the
novellsts say, knew no more When
he came to himself he found the clergy
man and his family in raptures over
bis generosity"
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1907-11-15
c,,+sness of Old Time Doctors.

Synge's Social Lie in England"
quotes n number OF fourteenth century
hints to success for physicians which
indicate that rs far back a. 500 years
ago the medical man, In popular opin-
lon at least had in him the stuff that
alienlsts are made of:
Suppose You l.nOw nothing, say there
ls an obstruction Of the liver. Perhaps
the patient will say. Nay, master, II
Is my head or legs that trouble me-
Repeat that It comes from the liver,
and especially use the word "obstruc-
tion." for patients do not understand
II, which Is important.
Never dine with Il patient who has
not paid you; it will be cheaper to get
your dinner at an inn, for such feasts
are usually deducted from the sur
geOn's fee.
When you are treating wound or
accident. the friends Of the patient
should be excluded, for they may faint
and cause a disturbance, but some
times a higher fee may be got from
persons present fainting and breaking
their heads against wood and the like,
than from the principal patient.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1907-11-15
Those Who Tie Knots.

Can any one tell why the landluoDer
In tying n cord around a package or
ANYTHING else Will always make gran
nv knot instead OF a square notT we
all do 1t in spite of thunder. To tie a
reef knot or sailors knot requires
thought and experience. Yet it Is as
easy as q granny knot Never believe
for n moment that sailors are the only
people In the world who can tie knots.
Go to an operating theater in some big
hospital and take note of the skin
with which surgeons and even nurses
employ bandages Gad ligatures. Learn
from them how to tie the Glove hitch
the combined surgeons and reef knot
the Staffordshlre knot, the common
surgeons knot, the friction knot, Hen
sens knot, TaIt's knot, etc.-New York
Press.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1907-11-15

1t was just two minutes to l when
John Lu0lam entered the house and,
unWrapping a paper parcel, said to his
wife that he had brought her n pres
ent of a clock IT was her birthday,
and she had expected u brooch or a
ring at least, and so she said tartly,
'You liked the look Of that clock"
His face flushed. a nice way to
speak about a present" said he hotly.
"Well, it's the truth. wouldn't have
given a couple of shillings for it," said
she in an eXasperatlng tone.
John Ludlam was a quick tempered
man. The veins in his temples swelled,
and
Just then the clock struck l.
What did Il signify-that the clock
was r6nning all right?
1t did not. The ambulance surgeon
said a few minutes later that If the
clock had struck one inch nearer her
temple John Ludlam would have been
a widower.-Pears0n's Weekly.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1907-11-15
a Cons.dc7at. iiusic:an.

Many stories are tcld Of the Jealousy
aud il! feeling among musicians. 50 Il
is refreshing to note that at least one
genius did not fail in rOOl natused ap-
probation OF a fellow artist. II IS re
lated how Rossini, wG'S!ng one day on
the boulevard with the musician Bra
ga. was greeted by Meyerbeer who
anxiously inquired after the health OF
his dear ROssini.
Bad" answered the latter. Fright
full headaches, legs al wrong"
After a few minutes conversation
Meyerbeer passed on. and Braga asked
The great composer how it happened
that he had suddenly become so un-
we'll
smilingly Rossini reassured his
friend. "Oh. / couldn't be better. l
merely wanted to please Meyerbeer.
He would so like to see me go to
smashp'-St. Louis Republic.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1907-11-15
You Could sLlp off The Edse.

There was time-centuries ago, OF
course-when the learned men OF the
world really thought that the world
was a square-not merely fat. but that
Il was Il cube The primitive geogra-
pliers Of Egypt, Assyria and China all
taught that the world was a square
plane" One Of the most curious dis
coveries ever made in Central America
concerning Toltec beliefs, symbols, etc,
IS that they also had Il similar Idea
concerning the form Of what we now
speak OF rs the globe" \ writer Oh
the discoveries made among tie monu-
mental ruins of that country says,
"They meanlng the Peruyians, Toltecs
and Quiches) believed the world to be
q cube. suspended from the heavens
by cords Of gold fastened to each OF
its corners"