davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23
HUMOR OF II HOUR


The Meanest Nan In the .rctil.
A true story is tod of Il soutiIerner
who went into the store of one ST his
%neighbors and asked him if he ,iidn't
want to trade.
"Whatchergot:' said the stoyellceper.
The man ran his hand down into his
a pocket and pulled out an egg.
This" said he.
Zone aig.'' said the storekeeper.
And what you want for that!
"Waal," drawled the man. you al
gimme a couple knittin' needles for it,
can't ye?"
EFF that's ALL" said the storekeeper,
Il reckon l kim"
The me received the knitting
needles, and, looking up at the store
keeper. he said. Aren't you goin' to
treat:' (The custom south demands
a treat whenever a swap of any kind
Is made.)
"Well," said the storekeeper, what
you want?"
"Oh, I'm not perticilar,'' said the
man. "Gi' me a drink O sherry
So the storekeeper handed out a bot
tie of sherry and a glass.
Help yourself"
The man thought a moment and then
said solemnly, II nevah drink sherry
without breakin' an aig in it."
"Well, upon nah SOUL" thought the
s~torekeeper. But he handed him the
egg he had just received and said:
Here's yoh aig. You kin have It."
The man broke the egg into the glass
Of sherry and in doing 81 discovered
that the egg had two yolks. He drain
ed the glass, smacked his lips, pro-
nounced it a fine drink and her said
to the storekeeper, You know you
ought to gil me two more knittin'
needles, don't your
"WhyY" asked the storekeeper, per-
picked.
"Because,' said the man, that aig
O mine had two yolks!" Harper's
Weekly.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23
THOUGHT LIBERTY A COD.
Chinese Crew Earrs Incense Ccsort
SarthotGi Ctstre.

Chinese Crew EIrns Incense Ccsort
Eartno.di ctotue.
The statue OF Liberty. in New York
harbo:. which has received the homage
of hundreds Of thousands of immi-
grants on incoming steamers. who.
with barred heads, paid tribute to the
emblem of freedom. WAS recently wOr-
SHIPPED in a new way by the Chinese
crew of the Steamer Braemar.
The Braelnar arrived from Hong.
kong and anchored off Bedloe's island.
She is manned by a crew of thirty
sever Chinese who have never been
to this port before. After the anchor
was dropped First Mate Clark ordered
all hands; to clean ship and then Went
to his stateroom to spruce up q bit.
When he returned not a mop or
broom was in action, and the crew had
vanished. Believing orders in pigeon
English" Clark made his way toward
the fOrecastle. There he saw the whole
thirty-seven kotowing on the deck to
the Goddess of Liberty. Between the
salaams the Celestials. each of whom
sticks, waited the burning incense to-
ward tho Bartholdi statue.
For Il few minutes the first mate
was speechless, and when he demand
ed an explanation of Hi Yen, the quar-
~termaStcr, he was offered some of the
joss sticks and ny gestures invited to
join in the ceremony.
1t was not until the incense was all
burned that Hi Yen condescended to
make an explanations; and then he did
SO with a few laconic words.
"Chinaman no sabe Mclean mans
god, but her No. 1 topside joss he
said, pointing toward the Goddess of
Liberty.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23
Roasted Her Son on Stove.

Half naked and suffering from many
friEhtful burns on the hands and neck.
the result. he said. of cruel treatment
at the hands of his own mother, VIII
liam Winscavitch. nine years old, was
found nearly unconscious from pain
in the woods at Woodside. Pa. The
boy was accused Of stealing IS cents,
and his mother. he said. became so
enraged that she held his hands
against a hot stove until the flesh lit
orally cooked. Following this. he as
serts, she took him to the garnet and
had a rope about his neck. intending
to hang him. when the lad made his
escape. The injured child is now in
the hospital. and his mother has been
arrested and held in bail.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23
IN A Different CLASS.
So Thought Me.iroa When Her SAL
arr Va Increased,

So Thought Me.inoa When Her SAL
ary Was Increased.
Melinda had successfully eliminated
the servant girl problem from our do
nestle circle for four or five years, and
we felt kindly toward her. of course.
One day the folks got conscience
stricken on the subject of her pay:
We've been paying Melinda 81 a
week for three years." mother said,
"and she does the washing every Mon
day just as regularly as the day
comes.'
why don't YOU pay her So a week?'
father suggested.
Let's" mother responded promptly.
The next Saturday evening Melinda
was informed hat she was to get five
per henceforth. She was delighted. On
the following Monday she did not
bring forth the tubs on the back porch.
as was her wont
"Aren't you going to wash today,
Melinda?' mother asked after the
morning had worn along.
"N'm,' Melinda answered sharply.
DE five dollah gals don't do no wash
in. Dat IS TO- de cheapah ladies'
Lppincott's.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23

permitted he would try to control
every railroad in the United States.
II the government wins in the suit for
the dissolution of the Standard Oil
Company of New Jersey, the parent
Of the so called trusts many subcom-
panies, MI. Kellogg will come in for
a large share Of the glory. He is a
resident Of st. Paul, Is a lawyer rather
than a politician and stands high in
his profession. He was a government
delegate to. the universal congress Of
lawyers and jurists at the Louisiana
Purchase exposition in st. Louis In
1904. Some years ago. when the steel
trust went into Minnesota to secure
deposits Of iron ore, it selected Mr..
Kellogg rs its attorney. There is a
story that he was then paid $4,000 a
year to look after steel interests in
Minnesota. That IS bigger pay than
the federal government gives the men
who do It's trust busting work, and
thus there is more glory than money
In working against the big corpora
tions. Mr.. Kellogg was in New York
n day when the Morgan-IIill inter-
ests were busy with the organization
Of the Northern Securities company,
and the st. Paul lawyer was called on
by the great railway tinanciers to do
something by way of influencing poll
tics in his state in the interests Of the
steel trust and its railway allies. Mr..
Kellogg replied that he was a lawyer
and not a politician. and he was never
afterward asked to do any work of
that kind. He al counsel for the
government in the paner trust cases.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23

1--WE just beer combing out my hair.
The locks that you admire.
And thought I'd write you just a line
Before. dear, I retire"
Twas thus she wrote unto the swain
Who scarce a month ago
Had placed a diamond glittering
Upon her hand Of snow.
She told the simple honest truth.
For she would scorn to lie.
That maiden with the rosy cheek
And innocent brown eye.
But what she didn't tell the youth
Was that the flowing hair
She combed % carefully each night
Was fastened to Q chair.
-Ainn4 Irving IN New York Press
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23

German woman named Julia kuttner.
rather shocked his fellow villagers.
His reflections on the morals prevail
ing In Monroe also helped to incense
his fellow townsmen, and they treated
Elm to a warm reception when he
alighted from the train after seeing
his wife of on the steamer at New
York. Earle said he and his wife
found out a year or two ago that their
souls were not properly attuned.
Later, while on n trip to Europe, he
met Miss Kuttner, and acquaintance
with her convinced him that she was
his real affinity for time and eternity.
She Is of socialistic views, and so Is
Mr.. Earle, and she and her brother
went to the home Of her affinity" and
abode there for a time under the same
roof with Mrs. Earle, it being under
stood by the latter that Miss Kuttner
was to succeed her in due time as
mistress of the mansion. The wife
asquiesced in the plans of her husband
that she should return to her fathers
home and secure a divorce In the
French courts, thus allowing him to
marry his affinity. When she parted
with him at the steamship dock she
declared that they were still friends,
and Mr.. Earle said he expected that
she and his little son would some time
come to visit him and his next wife
in their handsome home at Monroe.
Earle was thrown out of his buggy
and cut over the face with a whip In
his encounter with disappearing citi-
Gems e the railway station at Mon
rOe after his wife's departure. He is
q son Of the late Ferdinand 2. Earle,
the New York hotel man and owner
Of the famous Jumel mansion. The
artist has written a series OF sonnets
describing his views on socialism and
the marriage question. His family
claims descent from Charlemagne.
From 1904 to 1907 William Il. Sny-
der was auditor general for the state
IF panpSv)vopio JJo halonvoJ IN tho
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23
Retaliation.

A guest at one Of the summer re-
sorts in West Virginia tells Of a we'd
ding ceremony he witnessed in the
town nearby.
The minister was young and easily
embarrassed. 1t was the first we'd
ding he had ever undertaken. The
prospective bride and groom were
both younger and still more easily en-
barrassed than he.
When the minister had finished the
service and muttered a few kindly
but hating words to the young couple
he had just united. the bride looked at
him. b%lushing. but confident.
"Thank YER" she said clearly. Its
shore kind o yer to congratulate us,
an as long as you haven't ever been
married yit. maybe we'll have a
chanel some day to retaliate."-Har.
per's Weekly.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23
IN TUB THIRTEEN YEARS..
German Recently Deceased Made Rec
orc by Prolonged Bath.

German Recently Deceased Made Rec
ore by Prolonged Bath.
\ s~toncnaSon of the name of
Schlimmc has just died in the public
hospital Of brunswick. Germany, after
having lived for nearly thirteen years
in a arm bath.
In 1894 Schlimme, who was then
twenty years Of age, fell from a tree
and injured his spine. His backbone
was practically broken and the spinal
cord crushed. AS a result the lower
portion of his body was paralyzed and
certain internal organs were unable to
perform their functions.
In order to save the mans life the
physicians ordered a permanent bath,
In which Schlimme reclined for years.
His body was supported by ~cleverly
contrived rests. The water was kept
at a temperature of 81 degrees. The
mar felt little or nc pain and became
a skillful basket wire worker and was
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23
One More Chance,

In an Arizona court a barber was
recently tried for the murder Of his
wife. The evidence was entirely cir
cumstantial. but as a result Of the elo-
quence and persuasion Of the district
attorney the accused man was convict
ed and sentenced to be hanged. Be-
fore leaving the courtroom the Judge
gave the prisoner permission to make
a statement or express a last wish If
he desired to do so. The barber stood
up and. facing the district attorney,
said in a clear voice:
"Your honor, l should like just once
more to be allowed to shave the dis
trict attorney."-Philadelphia Ledger,
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23

uAS reply aIleF cOn-
ference with President Roosevelt and
Secretary Garfield of the interior de
partment. with both of whom he is on
terms of close friendship. Those who
have speculated or the congressman's
motive In %consenting to make such Il
race have seen in his course a bearing
on the presidential situation. 1t has
been suggested by them that If Mr..
Burton defeated Mayor Johnson his
victory would make him more than
ever a national figure and that in case
Secretary Taft did not prove available
rs n presidential candidate Mr.. Bur
ton might be substituted for him as
a representative Of the policies for
which President Roosevelt's admins
tration stands.
One OF the most beautiful women in
Washington Is Mrs. Truman H. New
berry, whose husband al assistant Sec
rotary Of the navy ri prominent in
the arrangements for sending the feet
to the Pacific ocean.
Mrs. Newberry was n Brooklyn belle
before her marriage to young Mr.. New
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23

among those against whom the inves-
tigators recommend legal proceedings.
1t is charged that he helped to author
ize the alleged fraudulent contracts as
q member of the board Of public
grounds and buildings and that rs
auditor general he passed bills In
which there We're overchar2es.
The fact that 1t cost 100000 to
furnish and adorn the new building
has led the public to conclude that
there was graft In some quarter any.
way.
Something Of a sensation has been
created by the statement Of ex-Govern-
or William Taylor Durbin Of Indiana
that attempts were made while he was
In office to bride him to give up to the
authorities Of Kentucky the fugitive
governor of the Blue Grass State, Vii
liam s. Taylor. who was charged with
completely in the plot to murder Gov
ernor Goebel. Governor Durbin says
he was offered 8 $1,000 If he would sur
render Taylor. The governor was born
in Indiana in 1S47 and is 4 veteran Of
both the civil ana Spanish wars. He
was noted as q boy ut school for his
rroclivity to mischief, a fact which is
illustrated by the following story:
The principal of the school he at
tended was a man OF considerable &C.
verify. The boys all held him In great
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23
Cow Eats a Pair Of Pants.

Mr.. and Mrs. J. Moore of Wooster.
O., entertained a business friend Of
the husband over night. and when he
went away he wore a pair of MI.
Moore's trousers. In driving in the
suburbs of Wooster the visitors
clothes became stained with mud.
Mrs. Moore volunteered to clean them
while he slept and hung them in the
gard TO dry. The Moores' COW swal-
lowed the trousers In the early morn
ing. the last leg disappearing as Mr..
Moore went ont to get them for his
guest.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23
P0RTUGAL'S CROWN PRINCE,

Amiab'e Young Man Who May Sue.
coed TO a Crown.
Luiz Filippe, duke Of Braganza and
crown prince Of Portugal, has become
a figure of interest since the crisis in
Portuguese affairs and the conflict be-
tween the monarch and parliament, in
volving a situation threatening the very
existence of the throne.
The prince was born in 1887 and has
been we'll educated. He speaks sew.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23
Something Worth While.

"We've. got to do something to at
tract attention." said the editor Of the
moribund paper. do you think it
would make a hit If we were to start
a puzzle Of some sort and offer each
solver a years subscription?
well, YES" replied his friend, IF
you make it a years subscription to
some other raper."-Catholic Standard
and Times.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23

the X e p bile an
ticket against Tom
L. Johnson. replied
that he was willing
to do SO provided
the platform and
candidates Of the
party gave aSsur-
ance of IrO alliance
between it and pub
lie service corNra-
tions. 1t is under
stood that he gave
h1c ron1x, 0ffor ron.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23
To Settle That Great Question.

In a north of England town recently
a company Of local amateurs produced
Hamlet" and the following account
Of the proceedings appeared in the 10
cal paper next morning:
Last night all the f~ashionables and
a performance of Hamlet ut the town
hall. There has been considerable dis
cussion in the press as to whether the
play was written by Shakespeare or
Bacon. All doubt can be now set at
rest. Let their graves be opened. The
one who turned over last night Is the
author."-Harper's Weekly.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23

world and expects
to give "A lot more
t. help make 1t
such. He declares
there is not much
y n a c II
in spending money
on oneself n d
that the pleasure Of
working and plan
ming on such Il
project as the crea-
ton of "A first class
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23

me for letting you see me do it?'
IN give you that there bamboo fish.
ing pole of mine." an illiterate boy
said.
"All right" Durbin agreed. Watch
me when school begins"
The boys went In.
The principal sat on an elevated plat.
form. The reckless Durbin as soon as
itAe session opened advanced to him
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23
FRANK B. KELLOGG.
One Of the Foremost Of the Federal
Governments Trust Dustinu" CORPS. !

One Of the Forennoet Of the Federal
Governments "Trust D~ustins" Corps.
1t is a heavy task that falls upon
Frank r. Kellogg, the chief counselor
for the government i'll the ease of the
United States against the Standard
Oil company. which was called a few
days ago in New York before ex-Judge
Feriss as referee. But Mr.. Kellogg is
used to the discharge Of important
duties. 1t was he who conducted the
historic examination Of E. H. Harri-
man before the interstate commerce
commission in the inquiry made by
that body into the operation Of the Pa
cifc roads and the Alton system. 1t
was this inquiry which developed the
alleged looting of the Chicago and
Alton and provoked Harriman's cele-
brated declaration that if the laws
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23
Too SIipperv.

"Billy has swallowed three plates Of
ice cream to our one" whispered the
freckled lad at the Sunday school pic
mic.
leave it to me-" chuckled his
chum. III drop some ashes IN de
next plate"
ASHES? What good will dey do
why, dey'll keep de ice cream from
slippln' down so fast."-St. Louis Re
public.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23
A Matter For Wonder.

Tomorrow" announced five-year-old
Sidney proudly to his kindergarten
teacher, lis my birthday"
why returned she. ut is mine
too"
The boys face clouded with perplex-
ity, and after a brief silence he ex-
claimed. How did you get so much
bigger'n mi? "-Lippincott's.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23

berry of Detroit,
who is said to lie
$2O,OOO.OOO.
She was a Miss
Barnes, daughter of
a leading figure in
the SO called school
book trust. The
wedding was a
memOra BILE social
event. Mrs. New
berry a money
enough in her W
right from III es-
tate of her late IA
Their to make her
position In life easy.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23

commission which
let the contract for
the new state cap
itol building at Har-
rlShurg. Governor
William 4. Stone
was president of
this commission.
The special COM
mittec which has
~investiga ted the
charges of misap-
preparation of vast
funds in connection
with the conStruc-
ton and furnishing
Of the capitol has
included the name
of MI.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23
HE TO BE A WIRE
vnpHrD

er. He finally died Of tuberculosis.
which had been brought on by his con-
slant immersion in the hot bath.
In painful contrast to this prolonged
bath in Germany the London papers
record how Il clerk to the board of
guardians at Cuckield reported to the
in the workhouse who had not bathed
or washed for Il year. as the female
nurses considered it too indicate a
task for them. The board accordingly
decided to engage Il male nurse.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23

and. sure pu,".i' Il him a hard
wlack GU III. t.. j: and at the AIN
time exclaimed. 'IIello.'
The principal tHrned fiercely.
What is the meaning Of this ?" he
cried.
"There was the biggest spider on
your back ever saw. sir" said the
boy.
ooh. was therey" said the Modified
principal. THANK you. my lad. for
knocking it off. Where is it, thought
ut escaped down that crack" said
Durbin.
Much comment has been caused by
the entry into the field in the Cleve-
land mayoralty contest Of Representa-
tive Theodore f. Burton, chairman Of
the important house committee on
rivers and harbors. Congressman Bur
ton. on being asked whether he would
make the race for the mayoralty on
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23
.-> >-1
People Who
Get I'm Print.
~@
N<ERDINAND F.

EEEDINAND F.
4 X L z OF
Monroe, n. Y,
artist and son
ncteer, has been
described as lin
ventcr Of the home
made divorce" The
cool n in
which he shipped
his wife back to her
fathers home In
France and n
nounced his inten-
ton. " h e n S h G
should have OBJ
tanned a divorce
from him, Of n
rying his "soul's at
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23

awe. They were
therefore a IN a z e Il
when II Durbin
one day said to them:
do you dare me
to go up to the prin-
cipal and say Hell
10! and slap him on
the bach? ?"
I'VE certainly do"
they replied.
We'll, I'll do it,"
said Durbin. III
do it today. But
-SnN
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23

Marriage is a game Of chance after
all. Laura LNsher's husband has left
her and is boozing harder than ever
Il see your point. He shook her for
the dr~inks."-Puck.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23
Roth a If II.

She-Don't those lonely dinners at
the club drive many a bachelor to
matrimony?
He-Yes, l believe 90. And the siren
uous dinners at home drive many a
married man to the club.-St. Louis
Republic.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23
Didn't Hurt Him.,

"Mr. Nervey," said the girls father,
1T seems to me you sit up entirely too
late with my daughter"
Don't worry about that, sir" re-
piled Nervey. II never require much
sleep."-Des Moines Register.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23
Trouble Either Way.

II expect to have a bad morning of
it."
whats the trouble?"
"Well, I'm either going to ask old
Grufleigh for his daughter or get a
tooth filled ~?'-Cleveland Plain Dealer.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23
A Perfect Achievement.

Mr.. Goodart-Miss Koy has such a
perfect air of innocent young woman
hood.
Miss Chellus-Yes. Practice makes
perfect, you know. - Philadelphia
Press.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23

eral languages and in general has con
Quoted himself in a to win the
appreciation Of his future subjects. He
went to England for the coronation of
King Edward. and ut one OF the royal
dinner parties which all the princes
then in London attended all the men
We're smoking with the exception Of
the crown prince Of Portugal.
Won't you have a cigar?:" some one
asked.
mo. thank yOu." smiled the future
king, without a trace either of self con-
sciousness or embarrassment. Il am
too small yet"
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23

"He is always talking about the
light of her countenance."
us she lantern jawedY'-Philadel-
phia Press.
Her Collection.
They had met for the first time at the
seashore thirty minutes previously.
Pardon my presumption" he began,
''but I-er''-
"Well?" Intercepted the summer
girl as he hesitated.
will you-er-permit me to add an
other engagement ring to your collec-
tionT' he concluded.-Chicago News.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23
viewpojots,

Mrs. Crawford-I don't see how you
can say that woman on the first floor
awful.
Mrs. Crabshaw-But, my dear, you
q hear everything she says up the
airShaft.-Puck.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1907-10-23
The vernacular.

Understand, we don't want a man
In this business who falls down on
assignments"
That's all right. l tumble."-Hous.
ton Post.