The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1907-10-27
CURIOUS ADVENTURES OF
JOHN, MARY and BEAUTY
NJ EDw ARD W. TOWNSEND
An Automatic Umpire and Other Novelties.
Continued

Continued.
Now III tell you what ! want 10 know"
said the curious little person who passed
John in to the ball game.
well. what I want TO know. A" exclaimed
John in amalement. us what that funny
thing is doing back of the catcher. l never
saw that before"
"You never will see il before" said Johns
new friend. The seats are arranged 80 that
you can see II only from behind. It's the
umpire"
But IL looks like a talking machine"
said John.
1T ought TO. IL is" explained his host.
Before we became highly civilized we
had live boys 10 act as umpires. And
my gracious. how they did act! They'd
call a ball a ball. a foul n foul. an out an out
and perform in a most ridiculous manner.
Then the players would say rude things
TO the umpire, throw crude things at him
and carry on so that all the 'holier-than-
thou people-and some rather nice people
too-said horrid things about the bru-
tality Of the game. What do you suppose
We did to them"
Called them mollycoddles." said John.
II would. It's a ripping name 10 call a
fellow who doesn't think az you do. Wish
l knew what it meant
NO such a thing" declared the other.
we got an orator who didn't know base
hall from knitting to read on a list Of UNI
pre decisions for a talking machine. Now
when game is called "A button is pressed
and the automatic umpire In right on the
job. He doesn't care what is said TO him.
so nobody saws anything.
But the muttonhead Just called that
foul fv catch a safe at first" cried John
in dismsy.
why not? sIt works ont in the end as
fair for one side as the other and saves
umpires' wages.
Now what [ want 10 know is, can you
write"
-QS course ] can
And read?'
sure"
Then you won't do" declared Johns
companion. We are looking for an
editor for the paper We are going TO start
to support the policies of her Serenity.
An editor who can read won't ito the least
little bit in the world. He'd get reading
the papers which oppose the policies OF
the Princess and get all stulflstibus."
John was about to ask the meaning of
the lovely word his friend had used when
q page from the grand stand came to in
form him that the Princess desired him
20 bring to her the umpire She wished
10 see how it worked
f wish I'd seen how she works when
/ had a chance" growled John.
Il suppose il go down on the field and
try TO take away that automatic thing
the PLAYERS will ro~ughhouse me. j haven't
got even a putty blower with me"
"Sir John" called Beauty, "are you going
to do what | or ,lered or shall | have to send
you 10 jail?"
John scrambled down the lAeachers to
the field and asked il he could carry off
the umpire for the Princess.
"Yes. and never bring il back" declared
q batter who had just knocked the ball
over the right field fence and been declared
out on strikes.
Mary was sitting by Beauty's side when
John lugged the machine up there and
whispered to her brother that Gobemouche
had been appointed Prime Minister and
that the Princess perfectly dotted on him.
But that fellow is no better than n talk
ing machinel" declared John.
IL was an unfortunate remark. Beauty
had lust pressed a button which started the
umpire going and a steady. m~onotonous.
persistent. undertaking fow of phrases
TNbuiteu. IhN Iftis t'tflhN 'b's f'di's 'h'
Go 10 the bench. No back talk! FOUL! Side
Quit These phrases and a few others were
repeated over and over and nothing could
stop or alter them.
Wheel" screamed Beauty in delight.
.whcre's thai funny little person ] told 40
start a paper for me-
John hastily summoned the person. '"
Never mind your old paper" cried
Beauty when the man appeared. Here's
the editor for me-editor and paper all in
one. Buy n million of these and I'll give
YOU some phrases that will melt the wax
they are pricked on. Put one on every
corner. keep 'cm going night and day. and
then well see if my ~policies-hello. here's
(iobcmouche.'
The new Prime Minister winked at John
and whispered. Her Serenity feared her
party was getting away from the people,
so she gave me a job. But II won't last
long. she'll fire ma just "a soon as ] have
to tell hcr that the trouble is the people
are getting away from her party. Sec You
lsteV old man
NV lords and ladies' and gentlemen"
said Beauty in her hest manner. this is
G~obemouche. our new Prime Minister.
Whatever he says-if I've said 1t first
stand for so long AZ it list ems good to me
Whenever l get a new policy Ill try IL on
Gobemouche. and il il doesn't poison him
il will be good enough for anybody. To
be sure he needs the money and may swallow
q harder pill than some others without
making faces at me.
But, observe, my lords and Sadies and
Z gentlemen, any one who does max faces
at my policies proves that he already has
m much i'll gotten gain that he is-What's
that you said he was, Gobemouche?"
Hes a predatory pirate" said Gobe-
mouche, winking al John.
-Thst's what he is" declared Beauty
with satisfaction. Il said IL first. but 1
couldn't remember il.
-Now clear the grounds and lock the
va,es Coherouche and arc IN nlay a