The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-11-17
THE HOTEL CLERK ON
 THE INDIAN TROUBLES
BY IRWIN S. COBB.

 back again, thus repeating a favorite military evolution which in our war with Spain was worked by us with such satisfactory results = for the Spaniards. Scores of heroic war cor respondents crowded the buffet cars. all hurrying to the front ready to ex- pose themselves to the various maga. zines, and in them. Nothing is easier under such circumstances than for a war correspondent to expose Himself.
 Meanwhile the Utes, led by their tribal leader, Chief Charlotte Russo II, were sweeping across the defense less country at the terrific rate of from four and half to four and three-quar- ter miles per day. I recall like twas yesterday the horrifying accounts which the newspaper men wrote on the spot, describing with fidelity and vividness the hair-raising atrocities which the marauding band hadn't con- mitted yet.
 "At this critical juncture somebody providentially swore out a warrant or an injunction and a deputy constable went out the next morning before breakfast and surrounded the rebel 1ious savages and arrested them for trespass or giving street parade without a permit or something of that sort Anyway, he drove them relent- lessly before him back to the reserva- ton, where they resumd their regular avocation in life, such as eating, sleep ing, and selling club-footed moccasins to eastern tourists, with blue beads on them"
 "Wot's the matter with them h. jians, any way?" inquired the Head Bell Boy disgustedly.
 'For one thing, the frontier has grown up to an extent that makes it very hard to take the war path with out Jumping into cluster of two story frames surrounding a young la dies seminary or a canning, works" said the Hotel Clerk. eff I was an Indian tribe preparing to embark on hostilities I'd rent vacant lot and pull off the event under tent with the proper police protection and keep the privileges rented out to responsible parties With the exception of parts of Chicago and Pittsburg, Breathitt county, Ky, and several wards in our own beloved New York, the whole country is now enjoying most of the comforts and all of the discomforts of the higher civilization They are play ing diabolo this week in Newport, R. d., and the Pecos valley, and as far away as Seattle I am informed the undertakers give green trading stamps to stimulate trade.
 But the main reason is pants North American pants. When you en- case the noble but slightly bowed limbs of our red brother in pants you have destroyed his possibilities as warrior. tell you, Hops. our Indian agents builded wiser than they knew when they induced the ravening Mo- doc to wade into a regular pair of pants half way of himself. We should have learned the lesson from history, but We didn't History teaches us that when the invading Gaul wore the first pair of pants into Italy the naughty noble of imperial Rome sim ultaneously lost his toga and the gift of oratory and began acquiring the ru- ailments of the hot chestnut business. the hand organ industry, and the other lines of endeavor with which he has since been actively associated. See the naughty Roman in our midst to- uay, ana II ue SOC d iuohhCy, luS monkey will be wearing pants, too, along with a red coat, as sign that he's working member of society.
 "But we delayed inaugurating the all-important step for upwards of three hundred years. We assailed the Indian from without with machine guns and we assaulted him from within with patent medicines and mixed drinks. We recommended for him a constant change of scenery, and then sent the regulars along to see that he got it. But he still retained his original in- stincts and from time to time he went out and performed dermatology upon the peaceful white settler, who asked nothing more than to take his lands away from him without noise or ex. citement
 And then here fifteen years ago some statesman arose to discuss the Indian affairs and spoke the short yet magic word, Pants; and so far, To! he's been as docile as Guinea pigs ever since. Oh, that we had thought of it