The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-01-27


lots a mile away from it, and ten feet
deep In mud. wouldn't be worth two
copper cents"
"Sell?" said Perkins, sticking his
hands deep into the pockets of his cell
ebrated "Bafin Bay pants. Sell?
away! What does the public want?
Something for nothingl What does it
covet? Real estate! All right, we give
EN- real estate for nothingl A lot in
the Glaubus Land & Improvement
company's addition to the town of
Glaubus free for ten labels soaked from
O-no-to-thing-um-b water bottles.
Send In your labels and get a real deed
for the lot with a red seal on it. And
Perkins pays the freight
Did II go? Does anything that Per-
kins the Great puts his soul into go?
It went with a rush. We looked up the
rheumatism statistics of the United
states, and wherever there was a rheu-
matism district we billed the barns and
fences. We sent circulars and follow
up letters, and advertised in local and
county papers. We shipped the water
by single demijohns at first and then
in half-dozen crates and then in car
lots. We established depots in the big
business centers and took up magazine
advertising on a big scale. Wherever
man met man the catch words, per
kins pays the freight" was banded to
and fro. How can you afford a new
hat?" "Oh, Perkins pays the freight"
The comic papers made jokes about
1t, the daily papers made cartoons
about 1T, no vaudeville sketch was COM
plete without a reference. to Perkins
paying the freight, and the comic opera
hit of the year was the one in which
six jolly girls clinked champagne
glasses while singing the song ending:
ITO us no pleasure lost is
And we go a merry gait,
We don't care what the cost Is,
For Perkins pays the feight.'
AS for testimonials, we scooped I'm
twenty-four members OF congress, eight
famous operate stars, lightweight
ministers and dead loads of others.
And our lots in the Glaubus Land &
Improvement company's addition to
the town Of Glaubus? We began by
giving full-sized dwelling house lots.
Then we cut it down to business-lot
size, and as the labels kept pouring in
we reduced the lots to cemetery-lOt
size. We had lot owners in Alaska,
Mexico and the Philippines, and the
village Of Glaubus fixed up its park
and even paved the main street with
the taxes. Whenever a lot owner re-
Cancelled and we split the lot up into
smaller lots and distributed them to
the new label-savers.
We also sent agents to organize
Rheumatism clubs in the large cities.
That was Perkins greatest idea, but
it was too great.
One morning as Perkins was opening
the mail, he paused with a letter open
before him and let his Jaw drop. I
walked over and laid my hand kindly
on his shoulder.
What is 1t, Perky?" I asked.
He lay back in his chair and gazed
at me blankly. Then he spoke.
THE lame and the haiti" he muir
INJURED. 'They are coming. They are
coming here. Read ity'
He pushed the letter toward me fee
bly,. 1t was from the corresponding
secretary of the Grand Rapids Rheu-
matte club. 1t said:
Gentlemen: The members Of this
club have used Onotowatishika water
for over a year and are delighted to
testify to its merits. In fact. we have
used so much that each member now
owns several lots in the Glaubus Land
e Improvement company's addition to
the town of Glaubus. and, feeling that
our health depends on the constant and
unremitting use of your healing waters,
we have decided as a whole to emigrate
to Glaubus. where we may be near the
as they are bubbling from the bosom
Of mother earth. We have withheld this
pleasant knowledge from you until we
had completed our arrangements for
deserving Grand Rapids, i'm order that
the news might come 10 you as a CRATE
full surprise. We have read in your
circulars Of the beautiful natural adj
vantages of Glanbus, and particularly
of the charm Of the Glaubus Land 81
Inn ant US ~
the town of Glaubus, and we will come
prepared TO rear homes on the land
which has been allotted to US. We
leave today"
I looked at Perkins. He had wilted.
PERKY" / said. "cheer UP. It's Moth
ing to be sad about. But I feel that
have been overworklng. / am going
to take a vacation; I'm going TO Chi
cage, and I'm going today; but you can
stay and reap the reward of their graf
itude. I am only a secondary person.
You are their benefactor."
Perkins didn't take my remarks in
the spirit in which they were meant.
He jumped up and slammed his desk
lid and locked it, banged the door Of
the safe, and, grabbing his Pratt hat.
crushed It on his head. He gave one
quick glance around the office. another
at the clock. and bolted for the door.
/ saw that he was right. The train was
due in two minutes. and it was the
train from Chicago, on which the Grand
Rapids Rheumatic club would arrive.
When we reached the station the
train was just pulling in and, as we
jumped aboard, the Grand Rapids del
egation disembarked. Some had
crutches and some had canes, some
limped and some did not seem to be
disabled. In fact, a great many seemed
to be odiously able-bodied, and there
was one who looked like a retired coal
HEAVIER.
1t was beautiful to see them shifting
the air as they stepped from the train.
They were like a lot of children on the