The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-12-01
THE HOTEL CLERK
 AND THE WEAKER SEX
BY IRWIN S. COBB.

in Washington would choke No thank you I won't go myself-any time a nice sweet girl that looks like. she's just had a shampoo and a bay rum, should come out with a white frock on and a rose in her hair and sing Way Down Upon The Swanny River. I'll be glad to attend. But when all the foreign vocalists that have so far managed to resist the call of the Gen. tral Park Zoo assemble on the stage and begin to scream for help in a language that is not generally under stood in the United States, with an orchestra from the boiler works down below performing to the best of its ability and sinews, somebody else can have my little red plush seat because I'll have to be going.
 'Bue the weaker sex, as you have enormously called them, never miss performance. Night after night the most swagger spinal columns of the smart set may be seen gently undulat- ing above lot of ostensible bodices in the boxes of the Metropolitan Opera House. But not so with the mere men who have been dragged there by their wives or who in a moment of weakness have yielded to the lure of those de- proved creatures known as true music lovers. They stand it as long as they can, sleeping when the orchestra will let 'em and swearing when it won't and then they flee madly to the near est life saving station and hoist the red ball as hign that it's time to go skating.
 Do you remember last summer when the hot wave and the princess gown were having their vogues at the same time? On those sultry eve nlngs when the asphalt turned into chewing gum, that's just been chewed and you and l, reaching for our hand chiefs found our pockets full of prespir- ation, the ladies of our great city were padding up and down Broadway wear ing nice cloth frocks that fitted into them like the peeling fits into the paw paw, with veils hanging down between their faces and any breeze that might be stirring and they looked perfectly cool and comfortable; and what's more they were. Or coming down to the i'm mediate present, suppose you go out ,aa,- on the ne street at this moment and lOoh tuu over
 It's too cold to be standing round our doors tonight" said the House Detective. This here overcoat got on is purity light for a night when there's snow on the ground and ice formin'."
 You think SOL said the Hotel Clerk. pityingy. Tempered weakling that you are, you think so. We'll. if you only felt strong enough to enfold your feeble frame in that thin and insuffci- ent ulster Of yours that cant weigh a bit over nine pounds, and ventured out upon our main street you wouldn't be there half a minute before you'd see some slender delicate little crea- ture Hitting by, snug and warm in an openwork silk frock an da hat as big as the nest made by the coocoo, which is a bird that makes no nest, with her arms partly covered by a pair of kid gloves and her elbows out in the rigors of the climate and a lot of lace at her throat with more becky boos in it than there are in a Swiss cneese and a huff about the size of the envelope on a wedding invitation and pair of low-cut slippers with soles. almost as thick as three layers of tissue paper.
 Now, Larry, if you were to stroll forth into a December snow storm in your undershirt and a straw hat. re. marking that you were perfectly com fortable because you had on a good warm pair of red suspenders you'd be arrested on suspicion of having puncture in your pecan and you'd be convicted on your own admissions and sent to the wheel works. But if you'd ask the dainty creature I've just de- scribed how she kept warm in such weather she'd say it was because she wore an ostrich boa around her neck. and what's more. it would be the truth.
 The weakest woman you know can put on pair of shoes with heels like hour glasses, only they'll turn every minute instead of every hour. and wrap herself into a wonderful cos. tune that's mostly. held together by the power of moral suason. aided by a few pins here and there. She'll have her hair built up like the hip-roof on a new court house and spiked down With 800 hair pins. She'll have a hat that weighs nine pounds, net. She'll nave nothing much for her hands to do except to carry a handkerchief. a hand bog, pocketbook and a parasoI. and hold her skirts up and reack back every now and then to see if her placket is smiling at her behind her back and keep her bracelets up on her arms properly. Thus equipped shelI go out and fight her way aboard crowded car without ruffling feather and ride down town and walk up and down Twenty-third street eight or nine