The Bossier banner. [volume] (Bellevue, Bossier Parish, La.) 1859-1952, 1907-10-17
BATTLE OF THE WITS
When Artemus Ward and Henry
}. Byron First Met.
A TILT IN A LONDON CLUB.
The Famous Humorist Started In to
Have Some Fun With the Dramatist,
but Found In the End That He Had
Met His Match at Chaffjnu,

AccuuS u the ldle Henry j. Byron
and Artemus Ward. 1t was at the Saw.
age club in London after one of the
Saturday dinners, and Tom Robertson
suggested to Artemus to have a tilt
with Byron and if possible draw him
out The genial Snowman had only
been in England few days, but he
knew Byron's meter" and went for
him in this fashion:
Il fancy l have seen face like
yours before. Did you ever have a
brother Alonzo" Robertson was be-
hind Artemus and winked at Byron.
"Alas, l had!' replied the drama
tist, instantly catching the situation.
HE was mariner, engaged on the
deep?
THAT'S so.''
"You haven't heard Of him for five
years?"
Byron affected to be lost in refec-
ton and deliberately replied: "Its five
years ago this very day. How curious
you should mention 1t, sirv'
"Well, SIR" replied Artemus, taking
out his handkerchief and pretending
to wipe away tear, Il sailed the salt
sea with your brother We were wreck
ed together in the gulf of Mexico, and
before help came killed and ate him.
The moment saw you I recognized
the likeness. He was a good fellow,
full Of tender feeling"
Il am glad you found him tender" "
interrupted Byron, also pulling out his
handkerchief.
But, sir, l am awfully sorry l ate
him." said Artemus in the most i'm
perturbable fashion. Had known /
should ever meet his brother am sure
I'd have gone without food some
weeks longer. But was driven to it.
and you will forgive me, won't you! /!
| liked -Alonzo,' and he offered his
hand to Byron, which the latter shook
with cordiality.
Excuse my emotion, won't you -
gasped Byron in his handkerchief.
He never wrote and told Inc what
had become of him. l hope he agreed
with you.' -
"A slight indigestion afterward. He
was little tough replied Artemus,
but We'll not speak of that. We both
suffered. He suffered most. But re.
member, sir, the law can't touch me
now. 1t was stern necessity, and ne
cessity, as you may have heard,
knows no law. But I am willing to
pay you damages for the loss. About
what would you think fair compen-
sationy'
Don't mention it." said Byron, who
now thought it time to turn the tables.
II think your name is Ward" said he.
"YeS''
"Artemus Ward!"
"Quite so.''
"You had 4 father?'
Il had"
He was a Yankee peddler in his
own country, was he not? Sold bug
pizen and fine tooth combs"
you've hit the comb-I mean the
nail-on the head"
HE died in the black country Of
England. did he not?"
"He did,
"Well. I killed him. I knew you
We're his son the moment I laid eyes
on you. He was a nice old gentleman,
and | made his acquaintance in Stat
fordshire. He wished to go down a
deep coal mine: so did 1, and we went
down together. had good time, ex-
plored, lunched with the miners, drank
more than was good for us and pro-
ceeded to return to mother earths sur
face. After you have been down a
mine you are fond of your mother,
assure you. The prodigal felt nothing
to what l experienced. We entered
the huge basket and were being slow
" drawn toward the mouth of the pit
when saw the old rope was about to
snap under the strain. 1t was a peril
Gus, a horrible, a critical moment The
weight OF two men was too great, and
your father was broad, bulky man.
Self preservation is the first law Of
nature. An instant more and we were
both lost. We seemed to be about
fifty feet from the top.
II hastily called your fathers at
tention to something-implored him, in
fact, to look down the mine. He did
so, and as gently tipped him over he
went whirling and crashing down to
the bottom. It was rough oil him, but
l saved myself. ciphered it out on
the instant like this: He is an old man,
nearly bald, deaf in one ear. two
teeth gone in front, with only few
years to live. I am half his age,
strong and healthy, the father Of a
young family, with a career before
me, a comedy to finish for the Hay
market and burlesque accepted Mt
the Strand. Now, / ask you, under the
circumstances. did I not behave no.
bly?'
"You did, you didv' sobbed Arte-
mus. II would have acted that way
myself"
Il am glad to find you so intelligent.
You ate my brother and found him
tough, and am the assassin Of your
dear old father" continued Byron.
keeping up the farce Of pretended emo
ton. We are both avenged. Let Us
draw veil over the past and never
allude to these heartrending Incidents
again."
Agreed. We cry quits. Shaker
roared Artemus, extending both hands
and dramatically dashing a food of
imaginary tears from his eyes. Lon
don Standard.