davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1907-05-30
An Alarm Clock For a Cent.

I've got the best alarm clock in the
business. and Uncle Sam provides it
for me" said West Philadelphia bust
ness man of irregular hours yesterday
1.-TWO or three days of each week
have to rise early our poStman al
ways rings our doorbell good and hard
when he leaves any mail He comes
along regularly as clockwork at s a. M.
but does not always leave mail for me-
and consequently the doorbell does not
always ring. When | want to get up
just buy post card in the afternoon
and mail ii TO myself 1t has never
failed to arrive in the early mail ac-
companed. of course, by the ringing of
the bell by the poStmau. Talk about u
cheap system. | can make the most
important kind of an appointment for
the morning and ill ii by the extra ex-
penditure of Il single penny Phila-
delphia Record.
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1907-05-30
ARTEMUs WARDS FUN.
How the 'Humorist Used to Win
Laughs In His Lectures.


Laughs In His Lectures.
However much the audience might
laugh, even to q tumult of merriment
lasting minute or two or perhaps
longer. Artemus Ward stood with the
gravest mien and unmoved face. He
could not help Laughing while writing
or planning a good thing, but no NEGRO
mancer was ever more self poised
when he stood before his audience.
The greatest fun of the whole was
the manipulation of the panorama it
self. Things would go wrong every
now and then and the audience would
fairly scream with laughter, supposing
1t was mistake. while as Il matter of
fact Artemus was always at the bot
tom of it all
Fer instance, the prairie fire would
go down at the wrong time and then
break out again when the scene it was
to illustrate had wholly passed, or the
sick looking moon would refuse to
stay down IN the midst while the lee
turer was apparently almost overcome
with veXation and despair. Then the
wrong music would be played, and the
house would break out into roars of
laughter as when he touched upon one
really pathetic recital and the piano
ground out Poor Mary Ann"
IN the midst of really instructive
talk on the Mormon question or truly
impressive description of the mountain
scenery around Salt lake he would
stop us if a sudden feeling of distress
had come over him which must be ex-
planned, and, pointing to an absurd
animal in The foreground of picture,
he would tell the audience how he had
always tried to keep faith with them,
but mistakes must sometimes occur.
Il have always spoken of this animal
as Il buffalo and have always supposed
he was n buffalo, but this morning my
artist came TO me and said, Mr.. Ward,
| can conceal 1t from you no longer;
that is n horSe"" The effect was sim
ply indescribable.
When quiet came again, he would
seemingly become wholly lost to ev-
erything around him as he described
some absorbing and thrilling incident,
turning it into ridicule the next minute
by the innocent and apparently merely
incidental remark, Il did not see this
myself, but | had it from man just
as reliable as | am. "-Enoch Knight in
Putnam'S
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1907-05-30
Poetace Stlnns.

1t is often desired TO separate post
age stamps that are stuck together
without destroying the gum This can
be done by dipping the stamps in wa
ter for few seconds only shaking off
the excess Of water and heating with
Il match as much rs possible without
burning The heat expands the water
between the stamps and separates
them, so that they can be easily pulled
apart and are really for use.
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1907-05-30
BARRIERS Area Arn

The first BARRIERS of whom there Is
any record piled their trade in Greco
in the fifth century B. C. In Rome
the first BARRIERS operated in the third
century B. G. In olden times In Eng
land the barber and the physician
were Identical. Thus a kings barber
was also his chief medical adviser. In
the time of Henry VIII. OF England
laws were made concerning BARRIERS,
of which the following Is an extract:
No person occupying a shaving or
barbery in London shall use any sur
gerry, letting of blood or other matter,
except the drawing of teeth"
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1907-05-30
English Barmaids.

At the time of the Crimean war,
when there was dearth of young men
for civilian employment, an enterpris-
ing London publican engaged an ex-
ceedingly handsome girl to serve in his
bar. The innovation caused considera-
BILE sensation and much adverse com
ment, but his business went up with
n bound, and naturally his example
was widely followed. Barmaids. hav-
ing met temporary want. We're after
ward regarded as a necessity. and
their employment became general.
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1907-05-30
Humorina Him.

Bridegroom ito his young wife, over
fond of dressl-The dress you have on
pleases me greatly. | should like al
ways to see YOU in it, my darling.
Bride will fulfill your wishes. /
will have my portrait painted in it at
once, and you can hang the portrait
over your desk Fllegeude Batter.
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1907-05-30
Capital Puriahmert.

"AIamma, did YOU love to lirt when
YOU were yOung:'
II am afraid | did dear"
And were You ever punished for it.
mamma 2
Cruelty. dear | married your fa-
ther."- Rire.
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1907-05-30

Tourist Ito boy lshinsD How many
fish have you caught? Boy-Oh I
couldn't count 'em, Tourist Why, you
haven't caught any, you little vaga-
bond! Boy-That's why can't count
'emi
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1907-05-30
= verbal Chiropody.

The pastor who was calling upon
member of his congregation. asked the
name of the sprightly little daughter
whose winning ways had attracted his
attention.
''We cali her Ella" said the little
girls mother
"That is a good name, Mrs. Donley,"
remarked the minister. "It has been
made classic by Charles Lamb
"Well, to tell the truth" explained
Mrs. Donley, her name is Cornelia,
but it's easier to call her Ella"
81 See" he rejoined. "And she prob
ably likes 1t better 1t Is a painless
extraction of a Corn"
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1907-05-30

The first English breech of promise
action was tried in 1852; the first
French action of a similar kind in 1891.
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1907-05-30
Lapse of Mnn,oru.

The Counts Nalet-Permit me to in
form YOU. sir that in six months you
have spent 23,SI7 francs and - cen
times. The Comt-Really? | wonder
what | bought for those ~ centimes?-
Sourire
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1907-05-30
Washinston's Fourth of July Dinner.

The menus run very much the same
throughout the books (Washington's
accountsJ. but there is one page which
holds the attention in spite of its sinai
larity to the others. 1t is dated Thurs
day, July 4, 1916. 1t shows what
Washington had for dinner on the very
first Independence day. The account
reads
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1907-05-30
A Similarity.

Star boarder - There's something
wrong with the coffee. Boarding Mis-
tress-Yes. It's like you-slow about
settling.
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1907-05-30

Z Outfits costing from $1,000 to $12,500
are provided for our ambassadors go
ing to foreign capitals. This sum rep
resents moving expenses, etc.
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1907-05-30

Samuel Ogden was the first English
owner of the land on which Ogdens
burg, n. Y. is now built
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1907-05-30

In dat case | feels relieved. l kin
take chance on askin' you fur some
thin to eat. t."-WaShingtOn Star.
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1907-05-30
Correct Diaqnosis.

Patient Shall have To give up beer,
doctor? Doctor No; | shan't forbid
1t to you Patient-It's extraordinary,
doctor, what confidence | have In you.
-Fleigende Blatter.
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1907-05-30

Lady" said Meanderins Mike. "do
you want any wood chopped:"
NO" was the sharp answer.
"Nor chores of any kind done"
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1907-05-30
His Idea of happiness.

At the Players club in New York
some years ago number of actors
were arguing about the meaning of
the word happiness" In the midst Of
the argument Henry E. Dixey appear.
ed, and one of the contestants said:
"Dixey, what is your idea of happi.
nessr'
Mr.. Dixey smiled thoughtfully. Then
he replied my idea Of true happiness
Is to lie on couch before a bright fire,
smoking a large Havana cigar given
me by an admirer, while listen to a
woman who worships me reading
aloud fiattering press notices about my
acting"
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1907-12-26
WATERFOWL JOTTiNGS

Cut prices on mems suits and over coats at UpsOn. Singleton X Cos.
 James Damerey and family spent Christmas with relatives in MT Vernon. \. Y.
 r. M. Painter attended the funeral of his uncle. James Painter in New Haven on Monday.
 F.. Q. Stolze has resigned his posi- tion at Murphy's barber shop. and re- turned to Waterbury.
 Charles Hudson and family 0f New Haven spent Christmas at E. P. Hud- sons on WatcrtOwn Heights.
 The Heminway & Bartlett Silk com- pany closed their factory on Tuesday evening for the rest of the week.
 Mir and Mrs George NcwPy and son Barrett. nave gone to New London for few days visit with relatives.
 Fred Taffey of Bridgeport. an en- gincer on the N .Y.. \. H. X II. k. R.. has moved into one of Frank smiths tenements on WatertOwn Heights.
 Chicken thieves have been busy the past week and the last one to rcceiv" visit from them was George Trewren. who lives on the Watertown road
 Masses were read at St John church yesterday by Father LofiuS at q. $ and 1d:30. and there was 2 large attendance at each mass. Father n' ppinu his assiStant nffipiatn,I ar WOodbury and Middlebury.
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1907-12-26

game was played between Hickey and Mcdonald. the former winning, the final score being 75 to 74. This is the first of a series of games that is be- ing arranged at these parlors.
 The Salem Lutheran Sunday school classes will hold their Christmas eX- ercises at the church this evening be- ginning at 7:30 o'clock. A very pleasing programme has been ar ranged. which will be followed by the distribution of Christmas gifts. There will be an admission fee of ten cents to adults.
 A number of the local saloon keep CTS observed the custom established q few years ago, of closing their places of business on Christmas night. Near ly all of the places ill the center of the borough were closed shortly after l 6 o'clock last night and some of the places on the outskirts of the center were closed long before that hour.
 William Hall Miner, supervisor of music in the public schools, left this morning for New York, where he will attend the 29th annual convention of the National Music Teachers as sociation to be held in Columbia uni versity, Thursday, Friday and Sat urday MT Miner is one of the two delegates from this state who will represent the public school music de- partment
 The new Elm street extension that was built by the railroad company with the understanding that it be given to the borough in lien of the lower part of Water street. the abOl- ishment of which was made necessary by the change in the railroad. has been offered to the borough officials but be- fore it is accepted. it is likely that many things will have to Dc done there. for the better protection of the public.
 | Mrs Frank Twitchel of North Main street narrowly escaped death ycster- day morning while crossing the rail- road track on Maple street. A freight train was switching there at the time, and as she attempted to go across the tracks she fell just as some cars were being run into the siding. The i prompt action Of her husband. who was with her. saved her life. as he pulled her to one side just as the cars were a short distance from her.
 Mrs Willis Jones of Church street had narrow escape from what might have proved serious accident As she attempted to board d north bound car at the corner of Main and Maple streets last Tuesday evening. she attempted to get on the car while it was in motion. and failing in the at tempt. was thrown on the pavement. cutting deep gash in her head and the cords of her neck were severely strained. She was carried into the drug store of w. H. Watson where she remained for some time before she was able to be taken homo. While she was painfully injured. it is not thought she will suffer any serious re- suits from the accident.
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1907-12-26

ficerS. with a sailing master and clvll-
 ian crew for purposes of navigation.
 This particular vessel, he says, for merly belonged to the army and al' ways was commanded by a medical
 officer when used as hospital ship.
 In attempting to unify the medical
 services of the army and the navy he
 says that joint army and navy board
 of medical officers which was cOnven-
 ed by executive order more than a
 year ago recommended that hospital ships should be commanded by med. ical officers and that that recommenda.
 tion was approved by both the secre' tary of war and the secretary of the
 navy in general orders.
 Since the civil war. he says. all hos
 pital ships and medical transports of
 the army had been placed under the
 surgeon general of the army, He says
 further that Japanese naval hospital
 ships were commanded by medical Of- ticers after having tried line officers. Question of Neutrality Involved. These ships. he says. are simply float. i ing hospitals. properly under the con. , tro! of the medical department and should be conducted in peace exactly as in time of war. This is especially
 so. he adds. because during wartime line officers cannot he spared and do not and should not desire the command of these ships
 Dr. Rixey maintains that 1t always
 has been doubtful question if the Geneva and The Hsgue agreements could guarantee the neutrality Of these ships if combatant 0inel officers and crews were aboard. and it was this doubt which prevented the .Iapa- nese during the recent war with Rus sia from using line officers on hOspi- tai ships.
 "The internal administration of the i bureau of medicine and surgery" he 1 says. has been in my opinion too much intcrfered with by the bureau of navigation. This interference has at 1 times caused grave concern as to how i I could meet the needs of those under
 our care"
 Can't Understand Brownson's Motives.
 The hospital ship Relief. he says.
 should now he with the battleship fleet
 on it's cruise: but. he adds. the bu- reau of navigation thought otherwise.
 and the fleet of 15.OOO men. with it's auXiliaries. is without q hospital ship
 and will be until if arrives at Magtla- ! lena hay, more than three months from now" He adds that he cannot { understand how Admiral BrOwnson ] should be speriaIIy interested in the
 Officering Of hospital ships. as his du- ties lie in another direction. and that ! he should not interfere in a matter { pertaining entirely to the bureau Of
 medicine and surgery. and therefore
 tO be decided ly the secretary of the navy.
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1907-12-26

Try a Democrat want sd.
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1907-12-26
0AKVILlE HAPPENINGS

The local factories resumed opera tiuns as usual this morning.
 The seats for the waiting room nf the new railroad station have arrived.
 Many locaI skaters venture,l on the thin ice of the Pin Shop pond yeSter- day.
 Master Richard Fitzpatrick of Main street has recovered from few days illness.
 Frank and Benjamin Hoffman were visitors with relatives and friends in New Haven yesterday
 Mrs C. F. Grady Of New York city is visiting with her parents. MT and Mrs BaJin of Railrn3d street.
 Mr and Mrs Felsman and children are visitors at the home of Mrs Fels- mans parents. on Wood street.
 The Main street shoemaker contin- ues tO do a gOOd business and thinks he will remain in OakviIIe permanent Iy.
 Mrs Kelly and children of Bridge port spent Christmas with the mother of the former. Mrs Murtha. on Main street.
 ". F. Coppage- foreman for the King Bridge Co. and now IOcated in WHIimantfr. was a visitor herr res terSIay. renewing former aequsint- snces
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1907-12-26
ASSA|LS BROWNSOY,
Surgeon General Rixey Scores Rear Admiral For "Butting In."
FEUD IN THE NAVY BREAKS OUT
Doctor Says Navigation Bureau, of Which Admiral Was Head, Is to Blame That Evans Fleet With 15,000 Men Is Without Hospital Ship.

Washington, Dec. 26.-That serious breach exists between the bureau of navigation and the bureau of medicine of the navy. involving the question of the responsibility of the latter bureau, was made apparent in a statement is- sued by Surgeon General Presley M. Rixey of the navy. in which he touches upon the circumstances leading up to the probable selection by the presi- dent of a medical officer to command the hospital ship Relief over the pro- test of Rear Admiral Willard H. Brownson, chief of the bureau of nav igation. who sent his resignation to the president.
 While disclaiming exact knowledge as to the cause of Admiral BrownsOn's resignation. the surgeon generals state- ment leaves little room for doubt that the controversy he reviews was po- tent factor.
 Surgeon General Rixey maintains that hospital ships. as a rule. always have been commanded by medical Of-
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1907-12-26
Turkeys From Roosevelt.

Oyster Ray. \. r.. Dec. 2G.-Noah Seaman. superintendent of President RO0seveIt's place at Sagamore Hill. and all Of the employees on the estate were the recipients of Christmas tur- keys from Mr. and Mrs. Roosevelt.
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1907-12-26
GREATER BARGAINS THIS WEEK
 THAN EVER BEFORE.
 No house has any chance to com pete with the A. & P. prices and quail itv f.F
FREE! 40 Stamps

with 50c purchase or more of our
 famous Teas and Coffees. Finest new crop A. X r. Teas, 3oc, 40c, 50c a lib. Fancy chop GOc and roc lb. Delicious freshly roasted A. x P. Cof- fees 1Sc, 2Oc, 25c a lb. Fancy. BOG, 35c. 3Sc q lb.
 There is nothing more refreshing and satisfying than cup of A. X r. blend golden tipped India-Ceylon Tea at 25c k-lb sealed package. A per feet treat. Very soothing to the nerves.
 EXTRA STAMPS! 15 STAMPS with 1 can Iona Tomatoes
 1Oc. and 1 can Iona Corn Sc. 10 STAMPS with package Nivara 1Oc' 10 STAMPS with 1 can A. X P. Evap- orated Milk 1Oc. 10 STAMPS with i can Marshall's
 Kippered Herring 15c. 10 STAMPS with 1 box Shaker Salt 10c.
 10 STAMPS with 1 package A. & r.
 Jelly Powder 1Oc. 10 STAMPS with 1 pound Oregon
 Prunes 10c.
 10 STAMPS with 1 can Cut Wax
 Beans 10c.
 10 STAMPS with 1 can Raspberries
 15c
 Everything Good for the Holidays at
 Greatly Reduced Prices. Valencia Cooking Raisins =. ID Sc Fancy Seeded Raisins =. pkge 12c Cleaned Currants .......... 12c Cluster Basket Brand Raisins =. 13c NrduDerrleS quart loc Mixed Nuts ............... lb 15c Almonds, Princess Paper Shell .. 2Oc
 A. & P. CALENDARS.
 The A. X P. calendar for 1908 is a reproduction of most exquisite China plate. size 11X1O inches. beautifully hand painted by the celebrated French artist. Alphonse Deche. It is litho- graphed in F oil colors and most ar tistically embossed in gold.
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1907-12-26
s7Cca 20 ,e csrsfsas.

London. D-r- Zi - Trinity eOliege- Cambridge. beneftS t0 the extent If s2OO0yUJ bT the death Of Lady Pearce. Her husfaud Sir William GeOrse Pearre- chairman Of the Fair field ShiptsHiEtinE and Engineering rompzmy- died on Nov Last By his VIII his fortune uaS EegBeztheI to Trinity eoIIeSe o1 the death Of Lady Rearce.
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1907-12-26
Undsrtsssrs and cIsruy co-b;r..

Los Angeles. Cal. Dec. 26-The un dertakers and ministers have combin- d here to prevent Sunday funerals.
The free lance. (Fredericksburg, Va.) 1885-1926, 1907-08-03
VIRGINIA NEWS

The Germans had their day at the Tx.
position Thursday
i.assiter defeated Doyle for State Senat.
nomination ia Petersburg district.
W. r. Graham. OF Loudonn. sold Is
cattle for export that averaged I.I9I
pounds.
Rev. Mr.. Cover, Of Fauquier county.
had his cnllar-bOne broken by being
thrown 10y IA young horse.
Z. Tavenner's barn in Loudoun. was
struck by lightning and burned Thurs
day. Loss =, 600, Insurance $500.
John II Quinn and Miss Annie r
Clarke, both oi Culpeper. were married In
Washington.
The Bar Association closed with an
Address by John X. Dos Passos. New
York, who severely arraigned Congress
and corruption in the United States.
For Cuckoo, Louisa county, Alfred l..
voolfolk has been appointed pOstmas-
ter, vice III. A. Barrett, removed
In his will Andrew Turley, a respected
coloreG man OF Alexandria, left 800 to
Alexandria Hospital.
rho ,,;. AZ. ,c, a.,
ton Ficklin, daughter OF Col aud Mrs. L.
ii. flcklin, of Alexandria, to Il. j Echols,
of Atlanta, is announced To take place in
October.
The negroes of Richmond ARE taking
,n avy AZ. -, "a p'"p,'Ssu n'er3 hicn-
Woi'1,' us'} NJ '"',''S'"Nu AuRust - u;
author VIII be the orator.
"IaoLn
Iii :, = ~ IN =, :, a., ,, 'Il'ii'i,aI
conSrass ~, - IL e"'' r .l,e rae 'or
oert" 80 '"S' ii'"' '"''er "i'Ass
''''''
Cant r r. l. Nichia Il
The free lance. (Fredericksburg, Va.) 1885-1926, 1907-08-03
SPENT MIGHT ON SAND BAR
fredericksburg Party Plssss Port Roysl Aucisaee
-kshsp on Return Tip Delayed Them sexb
Ten Hours.

The party Of Frsderick=hurgers who
leit herr on dr. j. ". Masters yacht at
O'Clock Wednesday afternoon To take
part IN a concert for the benefit OF Port
Royal Council No. 10. Jr. o. 4. A. NJ
had quite an experience. They arrived
AT Port Royal about : O'Clock after "A
delightful ride. The concert was a sue
cess IN every way the house being mack
Ell To overlooking and number had Ia
he turned away. the hall b..inv too
small To accommodate them. After the
concert the visitors from this city Her.
delightfully."- banquetted at the hotel bv
Tine reception committee. The banquet
was concluded about II O'Clock and IA.
fredericksburg delegation started for
home. The yacht had got only about "A
mile from Port Royal. when it came To "A
standStill ON u sand bar and Their. il ~
manned until daylight when "a small
boat came To the rescue and took the
party 10 Port Royal for breakfast
About o 'clOck the tide floAted the boat
ana the tripto fredericksburg was made
without further mishap. arriving here
"hout / o'clock. Most of the party WAS
much iatigued from loss of sleep. but all
declared they had IA splendid time. Those
composing the party were Mr. and Mrs. T..
l.. Ninde, Mr.. and Mrs T.. l.. Minor. Mrs ].
u Proctor. Miss Trojan, Miss Wright.
Miss Eleanor McCracken. Prof. A. h.
Bowering, Messrs Louis Wooding
Aubin NOoding, W. r. Smith. ]. q
hoddls, Charles Wright and II. X.
Swevtzer.