The San Francisco call., 1907-02-22
Uses of a Watchmar
at a Seminary
BY Edward F. CahilI

- HE real function and purpose OF
a night watchman have ever been
a subject of mystery. and counsei
in this field is even made more
dark by the diplomacy of the male
nocturnal guardian of girls seminary
recently invaded by burglars. Possibly
Sister Mills, who watches with the
eye OF Gorgon--a polite and parma
mentary Gorgon in petticoats-the UNI
brageous groves OF Academe beyond
the bay might shed some light on the
mystery. When Sister Mills, for exam
pie, enga ged her night Waterman, what
services did she expect from this rune
tionary? 1t may be that Waterman
for a young ladies' seminary is ike
those books that no gentleman's library
should be without but nobody uses. he
might be some night blooming mower,
expected to blush unseen and oy
stealth A watchman of manly beauty
and athletic build seen by daylight or
in the cleaning might rouse unruly
emotions in the breast of the immature
fair Obviously, the night watchman
for a fashionable seminary should De
heard and not SEEN He might be well
seasoned and. somewhat blustery' sort
of rude Boreas tanned to the conditions
v
whether a red nose is desirable in the
seminary watchman has been debated
with earnestness and even acrimony. A
watchman brilliantly gifted in that way
would not be likely to indame the femi-
nine imagination: but, on the other
hand, his highly Illuminated organ
might cast injurious reflection on the
quality of entertainment provided by
Sister Mills. It is obviously a difficult
question but it may be stated that the
night watchman at Mills Seminary who
was ANONYMOUSLY tied up by the bur-
glars did not have red nose.
Not being employed to illuminate the
grounds, nor yet to pose as nocturnal
bird of paradise where he was the
single Adam in a gardenful OF Ewes,
conjecture wanders in the quest for
what metaphysicians might call his
final cause. What was he for. anyhow?
1t has been suggested that a night
watchman's job is the best cure for in
somnia, and we know the proverb, He
sleeps like a night watchman," but that
does not explain the known facts. The
seminary watehman was doubtless as
vigilant as the mytholog gical person
with a hundred eyes of whom the
young ladies know if they are permit
ted a peep in that fascinating volume.
the classical dictionary. But he per-
mitted himself to be bound with a com
mon ffty-cent necktie and was igno-
miniously dumped in the shrubbery
while the black -browed villains with
dark lanterns and masks fulfilled their
nefarious purpose. He did not even
scream or threaten to tell Mrs. Mills.
The purpose of a night watchman
for girls seminary remains problem
of distressing complexity. No man
mis- ght solve it save Professor Howison
and at that none would understand the
solution, least of all Professor Howl
son.
If we examine the problem from
the watchman's point of view it is
quite clear that he rejected any idea
that he was paid to engage IN per-
sonal combat with marauding men,
who, in fact, had no business to be
within those chaste and sacred pre-
cincts after dark and against all the
rules. Further, he cheerfully acqui-
esced in the robbers injunction not to
make noise that might alarm the
young ladies out of their beauty sleep
Ia most accommodating watchnan,
warranted kind and gentle. We reject
at once the theory that the watchman
was employed by way of moral support
because, in fact, Sister Mills needs none
such. Fortified by the consciousness OF
her own rectitude, stronger than triple
BRASS or nickel plated armoF, she flouts
any suggested need of moral support
such as a mere man might furnish.
BY this process of elimination we
discover that a night watchman is not
for ornament, not for fight. not for
Illumination and not for moral sun
port. That bundle of negatives sounds
like description of the secretary to
the State Railroad Commission. Mr.
Judson Brusie, whose lonely Affirmative
comes on payday.