The Farmville herald. [volume] (Farmville, Va.) 1890-1934, 1907-01-04
y: CURING THE *
"HICCUPS"
i;s::;;iis;:;:tsss.
By HOLMAN =. DAY.

wood he brought as gifts to his young
wife seven fsher-cat skins, a loupcer-
vier pelt. four huge. hardened mush-
room growths, on which woods scenes
could be painted, and nearly two
pounds Of spruce gum, tied into the
corner Of meal bag. No more ad-
mirable specimens Of spruce gum were
ever seen In Palermo village. Perley
had spent his evenings Of leisure scrap
ing the globules Each was as big
as the end of ones thumb and glowed
with ruddy fires as though 1t had alb
sorbed the glories Of summer sunshine
the mellowness Of bland autumn and
the fiarings Of the huntsman's camp
blaze, savory with steam from the
venison steaks II was gum TO start
moisture in the mouth corners II II
were rolled before greedy eyes from
palm 10 palm; it was gum that
melted into a cud Of succulent spiel
ness. and one was prompted to jam 1t
hard between the molars, illip IL on
the tongue, squat IT against the front
teeth. draw ont its yielding pinkness
across the lips into a long, elastic
ribbons and then thrust It back jeal-
ously and ruminate with those rabbit
like chewings generally called gum
yankin's."
Mrs. Perley Ward succumbed to all
this temptation. She chewed gum all
day long. At meal times she stuck
the little pink goblet under the edge
Of her plate. when she went TO bed
her gum decorated the headboard so
that il might be handy the next morn
ing She chewed steadily, with those
little crackly snappings Of the gum
that the experienced ruminant is en-
abled 10 produce Her husband coun-
seled her to be more moderate. He
said that pretty soon she would have
cheek muscles as big as biceps and
would look like a squirrel Juggling nuts.
But she prolonged her gum de-
bauch. Then one day she began to
hiccough At first twas only a little,
easy. gurgling hiccough. There were
faint sounds like subdued snickers'
scarcely more than a catching of the
breath. with lip nippings and pretty
frowns and laughter when a hiccough
chopped a word in two.
Cant you take somethin' for that?'
demanded Mr.. Ward. at the dinner ia
BILE. You sound like a chicken eatin
H.. ,.,,rared hrar mach -
They'll stop in a mi-tchick-min-
ute all ri-tchock-all right" said
Mrs. Ward, cheerily, and she ate
little dry sugar.
But they didn't. They were snicker-
ing away cheerfully at supper time.
Mr.. Ward informed her that she
sounded like a setting hen clucklng.
For deuce-nations sake" he pro-
tested. choke 1t off, Phoebe. told
YOU not to chew so much gum. Now
you're gettin' your pay"
His wife was a bit more serious at
bed time. Those hiccoughs had tugged
at her aesophagus for nine hours, and
the everlasting iteration Of 'ock" was
becoming monotonous. She tried the
easy methods Of cure. She took nine
sips Of cold water. No good. BY
Wards advice she held her breath, sat
in a chair and doubled forward, her
chin upon her knees, repeating the
movement regularly. But when she
had finished that exercise four hic-
coughs disjointed the short sentence In
which she told her husband that his
remedy had failed. She went TO bed,
but her cluckings shook the four
poster until Perley Ward was exasper-
ated. All at once he leaped up with
terrific yell, grabbed his wife by the
shoulders and shook her. Her screams
of terror were shot through with hic-
coughs
Usually" explained Mr.. Ward, apol-
ogetically, IF you can scare anyone
in good shape you can cure hiccups.
But you seem TO be fairly runnin over
with EN-"
In the morning Mrs Ward was hag-
gard after a sleepless night. The hic-
coughs went on with the regularity OF
the ticking of a monster eight-day
clock. Mrs. Ward had heard that hic-
coughs running eight days would kill
anyone. Aunt Rhoda Bragg, who
bobbed in during the forenoon, said
that her grandmother had told her
that people who hiccoughed five thou
sand and three times died when puck
ering for the next "ock." Mrs. Ward
hadn't kept count, but she began 20
get worried. When Aunt Rhoda ad-
vised her to stand on all fours, take
long breath and slowly raise one foot
in the air. Mrs. Ward did so. No ef-
feet
The grocery driver came in and told
her that If she drank enough whisky
10 get dead drunk the hiccoughs would
stop. But Mrs Ward was an earnest
member of the w. G. T. U. She firmly
stated that she wouldn't drink liquor
even TO cure a cobra bite. The grocery
man lifted his eyebrows and went
away with the air Of one who has done
his duty and shifts all responsibility.
Time and the hiccoughs went on.
Three days passed. The whole neigh
borhood was interested in the case.
Everyone was digging in musty recipe
books and quizzing old folks for hic-
cough remedies
Mrs. Ward tried them all. She took
a mouthful Of water for each year OF
hef life and sip Of sweetened cider
for every star on the United States
flag. She went out and jumped on
the big beam into the hay bay. She
stood in the middle Of the room and
whirled like a dancing dervish. She
inverted herself on her head in the
corner for a full minute by the clock.
She jumped around the room like a
kangaroo and painfully hoped on all
fours like an exaggerated toad. She
ate ice cream, she drank cold coffee.