davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09
At the Dentists.

DO you give gas here?" asked a
wild looking man who rushed into a
dentists.
I'VE do replied the dentist.
docs 1t put fellow to sleep"
at does"
Sound asleep, so you can't wake
him up?'
Yes"
You could break his jaw or black
his eye and he wouldn't feel itT"
HE would know nothing about it."
"How long does he sleep"
"The physical lnsenslbllity produced
by inhaling the gas lasts a minute, or
probably little less"
II expect that's long enough. Got it
all ready for fellow to take?"
Eyes. Take seat in this chair and
show me your tooth"
Tooth nothlng" said the excited
caller, beginning rapidly to remove his
coat and vest II want you to pull a
porous plaster off my back"
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09
DelicateIy Put.

"A foOtman," said a banker, called
his master up by telephone and said
81 regret to inform you, sir that
your house is on fire and fast burning
down
"'Oh,' cried the master, what ter
rlble misfortune But my wife-is she
safeY
"'Quite safe, sir. She got out among
the first
care my daughters-are they all
right?
"'All right, sir. They's with their
mother
There was a pause. Then:
"'And what about my mother-in-law,
james,
That, SIR said the footman suave
ly, was what l wished to speak to you
about, sir, particularly. Your mother
in-law is lynn asleep in the third story
back, and KNOWN your regard for her
comfort sir, wasn't sure whether ]
ought to disturb her or not, sir. -
Los Angeles Times.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09

The Wealth krgler's Tackle Outfit.
The wealtl aag.e" who wants the
best Of every Ing has a special six
foot ohlong Use CT trunk for his
fishing rods, which. being the best,
cost about SO each He has heavy
sn"r eng ~. a !glta- bay casting
rod AMI a aet of ~ rods for fresh wa
ter fishing. His reels, of which he
must have varioH' types. cost S75 each
and aiis-.G. io.' his fishing tackle
there is n special trunk, in which are
the lest III j l:4en lines, hooks and
flies o. al ,HScii Jtions. sinkers, swiv-
els. squils, spoons, S?inners, FONTS, ar
tificial bIf. etc Such fishermen gener-
ally carry duplicate tackle and several
duplicates Of pola tips and such things
as mag be mOst likely to break. The
total cot # wealthy anglers tackle
outfit ranges from $3.50 to 81 0O0.-New
York Tribune.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09
Naked Truth,

An encounter of wits once took place
between the late Eugene Field and a
New York woman. 1t was at dinner,
and the woman was in evening dress,
which was rather decollete. After a
sklrmish between the two relative to
the respective merits of well known
author it would seem that Field came
off second best.
"Oh, Mr.. Field exclaimed the wo-
man exultantly, you must admit that
you are fairly beaten at your own
game"
Field bowed politely and, with a
smile, promptly rejoined, "At any rate,
Miss Blank, l have one consolation
you can't laugh at me in your sleeve"
.-LippinCott's.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09
Jordan Water.

There is a general impression that
the Jordan water which is used at
royal baptisms Is taken from the sa-
cred stream, put into bottle, hermet-
ically sealed and left untouched until
the bottle is opened by the officiating
priest. AS matter of fact, the water
which flows out of the lake of Cal
lice and descends rocky gorge to
n level far below that of the Mediter-
ranean IS full of organic substances
If bottle be filed with the water
and kept tightly corled for a few
days 1t turns perfectly black and Of
fers to the nostrils all the odors of
the tropics. The precaution is there
fore taken of boiling the water and
straining it before 1t is sealed up, and
this is why the baptismal water al
ways possesses the crystal clearness
which one notices on these ceremonial
occasions.-Modern Society.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09

The jeweer replaced tenderly in its
case the unmounted pear shaped dia-
mond. II could kill you with that"
he said. 81 could poison you with it.
You would die in few hours" But
diamonds are not poisonous| I'm
deed they are, ground up. There have
been a number of suicides by diamond
dust among gem cutters. Swallow
diamond dust, and death will ensue
very quickly. The symptoms will be
the same as though strychnlne had
been taken"
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09
Free Medical Advice.

A we'll known London physician at
dinner party one evening was much
worried by one who was seeking gra
tuitous advice. DO you know, doc
tor" said his Questioner, Il know a
man who suffers so terribly with indi-
gestion that at times he can do moth
ing but howl with pain. What would
you do in that case"
"Well, suppose" responded the
medical man, II should howl with pain
oo."-Westminster Gazette.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09
The Game Of Chess.

Chess is of great antiquity, and Its
origin is lost in obscurIty. Though
nearly every nation under the sun
claims the invention Of the pastime, it
is undoubtedly of oriental origin. The
Romans placed over the door of the
temple of Janus Eek Orieute Lux ct
Ludus Scacchorum" C'Out Of the east
came light and the game of chess').
Chess was called by the Hindoos
"cheturanga," the four angas-that is.
the four members of the army-ele-
plants, horses, charlots and foot sol
diers. The Chinese played chess 5000
years ago as the "game Of war"
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09
lakes His Own Msciininc.

In Baluchistan when the physician
gives dose he is expected to partake
or similar one himself as a guarantee
OF his good faith. Should the patient
Ole under his hands the relatives,
though they rarely exercise it, have
the right Of putting him to death I'M
less special agreement has been
made freeing him from all RESPONSE
Dillty as to consequences, while If they
should decide upon immolating him
ne Is fully expected to yield to his fate
like a man.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09
A naneraI IItilitu Mao.

A certain stockbroker once went to a
householder and tried to pick up gen
eral utility nag. He explained that he
was a volunteer and wanted nice,
quiet, good looking charger, which
could be driven by his wife in dog
cart and would not object on occasion
to being hitched up to a lawn mower.
The dealer listened to him with rapt
attention and finally asked in dulcet
tones, would you want him to wait at
table at all, sir?'--Grand Magazine.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09

The small boy entered the shoe store
and appeared to be somewhat hewil'
dered.
what will you have, my SOM ask
ed the clerk.
I'll have forgotten what | was
sent for" replied the boy bashfully,
"but--but 1t Is something we have ut
home every time ma goes into the
kitchen while the cook is there"
The clerk smiled knowingly.
"Oh. | see. You want spatsT
Eyes, that's 1t, mister" replied the
lad, his face Frightening. 7 cams
after a pair Of spsts. "-Chicago News
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09
Once loo Often.

whats all this excitement about"
Nothing worth mentioning. Man
got knocked down"
"Accident?"
Not exactly One Of these men who
always catch hold of you and push you
out of their way when you happen to
meet them at 4 crowded corner grab
bed the wrong man just now. That's
all."-Chicago Tribune.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09
Which Is Your Shortest Hour?

what is your shortest hour in the
dayr asked business man of an ac-
Quaintance. Don't say you have none.
You have, although you may not
know it. Everybody has. OF course,
reckoned by actual measurement, each
hour is composed of sixty minutes, yet
Notwithstanding that chronological ex-
actness the hours vary in length. My
shortest hour is from to o'clock In
the afternoon. | find upon inquiry
that this is the feetest period for many
people. In my case SO swiftly do
those sixty minutes hurry by that
try to crowd into them as many Of
the disagreeable, yet inevitable, things
of life as I possibly can. If l have
to interview a bore, see him then;
if have to visit the dentist l do it
then. That hour Is bound to slip away
quickly, no matter what happens;
therefore the agony Of disagreeable
scenes seems of shorter duration''-
New York Sun.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09
lrascible Carlyle.

A lady who lived near Thomas Car
lyle kept Cochin China fowls, and their
growing was such nuisance that the
philosopher sent complaint to her.
The owner was indignant upon hear
ing the appeal.
why" said she, they crow only
four times Il day, and how can Mr..
Carlyle be seriously annoyed at thatY'
Upon hearing of her attitude upon
the subject Carlyle replied, "Hhe lady
forgets the pain suffer in waiting for
those four crows"
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09

81 cannot imagine said the woman
with the short sleeves, why in the
world Eskimos live in their country
after they have learned what is to be
had and seen in civilized places. Just
think! They have no theaters, no ho'
tells. no trains, no street cars, no shops,
no schools, no churches, no clubs, no
yachts. no scandals-they positively
have nothing that we have"
POSSIBLY that is the reason they
stay where they are" ventured the
man With the dinner jacket,-Judge.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09

Don't you think" asked Mrs. Old
castle, that Miss Wltherspoon has
patrlcian face" oh" replied her
hostess, hanging her 100000 necklace
over the back of a chair, II don't think
she has. She claims, at least, that her
folks were all English and that there
amt drop Of Irish blood in her
veins. Chicago Record Herald.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09
Al REGULAR Rates,

Miss Matilda Owens hung on the
arm of the editor of the Lanevllle Blu
gle, to whom she had been engaged
for three years, and endeavored to turn
his gaze toward the sky.
"Just notice the moon, William she
said in n melting voice.
"At the usual rates, Matilda, shall
be happy to do so,' he replied
Youths Companion.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09

my son tells me you've discharged
him." said the Office boys mother,
"and / think that's strange You ad-
vertised for a strong boy, and he's GER
tainly"- He's too strong, madam"
interrupted the employer. "In the
single day he was here he broke all
the rules of this office and some of the
furniture. "-Catholic Standard and
Times.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09
Words and Deeds.

"There never was a time in my life
fellow citizens" exclaimed the candi-
date, when l hadn't the courage to
call spade a spade"
Yes" spoke up an old farmer in
the audience "and there never was
time in your life when you had the
courage to take one in your hand"-
Chicago Tribune.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09
Mans RuIinu Wish.

Ihere Is one wish ruling over man
Aihu' and 1t is wish which Is never
III single instance granted-each
man wishes to be his own master 1t
~ boys beatific vision, and it re-
mains the grownup mans ruling pas
sion to the last. But the fact is life is a
service. The only question is Whom
snail we serve?-W. r. Faber.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09
ireland's Coast Clinr.

pi ue htest cliff scenery in the United
o %'" 4sm Is on the coast of the county
lon5 Oonegal' at the northwest Of Ire.
.v"n,, , lacing the Atlantic, where the
~, ICY and grandeur of the cliffs are
r. ,' thrilling and impressive. Sieve
sc south Of Glen Columbkille, is
coost superb introduction to Donegars
NIL Splendors. In less than half a
ito h. ron the sea the mountain rears
lsIo ngight of nearly 1000 feet. In the
Ir"i OF Achlll, off the west coast of
A ohmu the cliffs of Croghan, at
ter,n " Head, rise sheer from the wa
fset cage to the dizzy height Of 5000
'se'-London Standard.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09
A Thorouuh Sport,

The Deacon Young man, don't you
know that there's a rainy day COM
ing? Spendthrift-Mebby there is, but
I've got IS that says the weather man
won't call the turn. Come, now, If
you've got any nerve, show your
money.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09
WIN He chanoed Weanons,

Here you is-in trouble agin," said
the old colored deacon. Didn't tell
yo' ter fight yo' way only wild de
sword er de sperit?'
"Yes, subj" replied the penitent, "but
de razor come so handy"-Atlanta
Constitution.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09
Cause For Celebration.

Mrs. De Style-I met Mrs. Schopper
at a bargain sale today; said she was
celebrating her silver anniversary
Mrs. Gunbusta-Is she married twen-
ty-fve years? Mrs. De Style-No, but
her husband gave her $25. - New York
Press.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09
Difficulties of the Naturalist.

At one end or the other Of every ami
nal lies a danger which makes the
closest investigation impossible. To
study the mule we must hold him by
the head, but to study the bull we
must have tail hold as Il vantage
point.-St. Louis Democrat.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09

"Ah, pater, l am no end glad to be
home from college"
"What's that?"
81 am jolly well pleased, y'knaw."
Hank, clean out the old stall!
There's new critter on the place.
Louisville Courier-J Journal.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09
Helping Her Out.

Miss Peppery-No, he didn't like your
eyebrows. He said they were too
black. Miss Paintter-The idea! Miss
Peppery-However, assured him they
were not as black as they were paint
ed.-Philadelphia Inquirer.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09
orture.

a shrewd old doctor once said: "If l
wanted to torture an enemy, l would
tell him he had an incurable disease.
His life would be miserable, and he
would be almost certain to die before
his time"
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09
The Return.

II believe" said the CHEEKY philoso-
pher, that for every single thing you
give away two come back to you"
That's my experience" said Pham.
ley. Last June I gave away my
daughter, and she and her husband
came back to us in August"
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09
Saving lime.

Father Ito his son, early in the morn
tng)-What is the meaning of this ?
You are lying in bed with your clothes
on. Sen IA student)-Ycs, father. do
that so that If I oversleep myself
shall not be late at ollege.-Meggen-
dorfer Batter.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09
Missed Vocation.

Client-Didnt you make mistake
In going into law instead of the army =?
Lawyer-Why? Client-By the way
you charge there would be little left
Of the enemy.-London Tit-Bits.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09
Odd Punishment.

Bigamlsts In Hungary get odd pun
ishment The man silly enough to
marry two wives is legally forced to
live with both Of them in the same
house.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09
Still In the narlf-

Does your maid object to being
vailed servant?' II don't know.
we've only had her two weeks and
sue hasn't really permitted us to get
C u, speaking terms with her as yeti
chicago Record Herald.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09

1t often takes a lot Of common sense
to get man out of trouble a little
nonsense got him into.-Beaver (Okla)
Herald.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09
z Thumb Shave.

"'Poace Oil caller thumb or spoonT
says The barber. and | give Il violent
start
The sailor little proud of his
French, looked about the room and
smiled ensly. Then he went on:
81 knowcd them BARRIERS in the south
Of France wasn't up to much.
knowed their ways was queer. But
this spoon or thumb business was the
limit.
"'Quest ce quill y--wot's that| says
l. Wot dye mean by thumb or spoonf'
"And then that Tarascon barber told
me that in his country in Shawn
lan,ein iaweJ men like me it was
customary to plumb out the cheeks SOS
the razor could get a holt by insertin' a
spoon or a thumb into the mouth and
presSin' from the inside
Il said to 50 ahead and shave me
without either spoon or thumb. He
wouldn't do it, though, so l chose the
thumb. Ii looked more hygenic. By
gosh, can taste that there thumb
et."-LoS Angeles Times.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09
A Good Imitation,

The other day an amateur artist was
producing some rapid sketches to
amuse his children. He drew a sketch
Of hen so naturally that when 1t was
afterward thrown in the waste paper
basket 1t laid there.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09

'The baby's awful bald" said Mabel.
Eyes; they come bald on purpose. II
they had hair they'd pull it all out, and
then all that hair would be wasted"
said Tommy. Philadelphia Record.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09
Sizina Him Up.

"How much money really has he|
IL don't know. What Is his attitude
toward the law"
"What do you meanW
Does he evede, defy or ignore it?'-
Washington Herald.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09
a Little Different.

81 suppose" she said with fine sar-
casm, 'you were sitting up with a
friend?" mo, m'dear," replied he
truthfully, AZ was settin' 'enn up with
a friend. Houston Post.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09
The Return.

Naglstrate-What! Do you mean to
S sDy your husband struck you, and he
W ,""' physical wreck? Mrs. Maloney--
r. eS' yer honor, but he's only been
PIuySIcaI wreck since he struck me-
independent.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09

1t has become necessary to modify
the old saying, Life is what we make
1t" Life is what we make In it--Los
Angeles Times.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09

Ethel-How long can human being
live without food?
Jacl1-I don't know about human he
iugs, but know poets who have been
writing for years.-Judge,
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09

II know he does not mean it. He
says in his letter that everything has
seemed dark as night since | went
away"
"He may be telling the truth You
know love Is blind"
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09

The good man prolongs his life. To
be able to enjoy ones past life Is to
live twice-Martial.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09

She-He has most extraordinary
figure, hasn't her He-That's so.
believe an umbrella is about the only
thing he can buy ready made.-Ally
EIoDpr
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09

"There's one thing 1 will say" re.
marked Mr.. Millions, "and that is that
my daughter, Arabella, has fine dis
position"
"Indeedw
Eyes, sir. The way she can listen for
hours to her own playing on the violin
shows remarkable self control"
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09

Rash presumption is a ladder which
will break the mounter's neck.-Ger-
man PrOVerh
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09

You may stretch a truth into a lie,
but you can't shrink lie into truth
Selected.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09

olSconteHt is the want of self relI.
"nce' 1t is the infirmity of will.-Emer.
The Palatka news. [volume] (Palatka, Fla.) 1905-1908, 1907-08-09
Contrast.

That was vivid and popular bit Of
description in which the vaudeville per-
former on the stage referred to the Off
cial at the front entrance of the thea
ter as the ght-dollar-a-week man at
the door who wears a thousand dol
lars worth of gold buttons"
The Washington herald., 1907-10-09
Ecatnres Id T6hacco.trust snit

The answer of the American tobacco
trust To the governments suit against it
for violation of the sherman law illus
trates afresh the lack Of any precise
definition of monopoly and the difficulty
of making one that VIII stand amid the
Compla2iy of modern industrial organi-
zati0n- To the accusations made by the
government. the tobacco trust, in effect
replies You have correctly stated all
the facts about us We handle so much
of the tobacco business of the country.
we own scores OF producing corporations.
and we control am immense distributing
enterprise. But YOU are wholly wrong IN
the Interpretation you put upon these
facts We have not gained q complete
monopoly of the tobacco business. for
nearly q score OF our competitors are
prosTering Neither have We suppressed
competition, for besides the competition
OF Independent concerns, our constituent
companies are engaged in competition
with each other There is no restraint Of
trade, for every one is free to buy from
US or not, and although we do not sell
to all customers, that IS our right. In
other words, the trust is an ordinary
business enterprise writ large, differing
IN no essential respect. apart from the
extent and diversity Of its operations.
from any industrial corporation.
On the face of It. this is a complete de-
fense. Secretary Taft has said that an
unlawful monopoly IS not sufficiently de-
fined by saying that it is "a combination
OF "a large part of the plants in the coun-
try engaged in the manufacture of a mar
ticular product. There must be. he said
some element of duress in the conduct of
its business toward customers and com
petitors. II must coerce persons to buy
from iJ rather than from some compeu-
tor or il must coerce competitors to
give up their business, Has the tobacco
trust suppressed competition, and does it
compel customers 10 buy from 1t rather
than from its competitors? AS 10 the
first part of this question. the existence
OF competitive concerns would seem 10
show that competition has not been
wholly suppressed, and the trust AYERS
that competition exists even among the
concerns composing the trust. That is
doubtless true. rs far as efficiency Of
operation, cheapness Of production, and
volume OF business is concerned. tt is
the policy of trusts to stimulate competi-
tion among constituent members of the
parent corporation in these particulars.
Competition OF this sort. however, while
il may fll the Golfers of the trust, may
have 10 effect whatever on the price Of
fba producr. or on territorial distribution
Of It. for price and distribution are con-
trOTed by central authority, so that the
public may never reap the slightest ad-
vantage from what may be termed intra-
trust competition. That is 10 say. such
competition is effective only in securing