The Lamar register., 1907-09-18
CHAPTER ..

CHAPTER ].
Il is rather difficult In these days for
a man who takes such scant interest
in foreign afYairs-trust q whilom
diplomat for that!-to follow the con
ftinual geographical disturbances OF
European surfaces. Thus. l can not
distinctly recall the exact location OF
the Grand Duchy of Barscheit or OF
the neighboring principally of Dop-
pelkinn. It meets my needs and pur-
poses. however, to say that Berlin and
Vienna were easily accessible. and
that three hours journey would
bring you under the shadow of the
Carpathian range where. in my diplo-
matte days, l used often to hunt the
''bear that walks like a man."
Barscheit was known among her sis
ter states as the meddler," the
maker of trouble" and the duke as
"Old Grumpy To use
familiar Yankee expression. Barscheit
had n finger in every pie. Whenever
there was a political broth making.
whRther-in Italy, Germany or,Austria.
Barsceit would snatch up ladle and
start. In. She took care of her own
affairs so easily that she had plenty of
time. to concern herself with the af-
fairs Of her neighbors. This is not
to advance the opinion that Barscheit
was wholly modern; far from 1t. The
fault of Barscheit may be traced back
to certain historical pillar, of salt.
easily recalled by all those who at
tended Sunday school. "Rubbering"
is a vulgar phrase. and I disdain to
use II.
When q woman looks around 1t Is
invariably a portent OF trouble: the
man .forHets his Important engage
ment. and runs amuck. knocking over
people, principles and eprincipalities.,
II Aspasia had not observed Pericles
that memorable day: IL there had not
been an -obliQue slant to Calypso's
eyes as Ulysses passed her way: II
the eager Delilah had not offered ia
vorable comment on Samson's ring
lets: In fact, II all the women In his
tory and romance had gone about their
affairs as they should have done. what
embarrassing reading history would
be today!
Now. this is a story of woman who
looked around. and OF a man who did
not keep his appointment on time;
out of a grain OF sand, a mountain. OF
course there might have been other
causes, but with these I'm not famil-
lar.
This Duchy of Barscheit is worth
looking into. Imagine. country with
telegraph and telephone and medieval
customs, q country with electric lights.
railways. surface cars. hotel elevators
and ancient laws! Something OF the
customs Of the duchy must be told In
the passing. though. for my part. I am
vigorously against explanatory pas
sages In stories of action. Barscheit
bristied with militarism: the little
mar always initiates the big one. but
lacks the big mans excuses. Mill
tarism entered into and overshadowed
the civic laws.
There were three things you might
do without of1ense: you might battle.
eat and sleep. only you must not sleep
out loud. The citizen of Barscheit was
hemmed in by set Of laws which
had their birth in the dark dungeons
of the lnquisition. They CONCEALED the
blood of man born and bred in u
commercial country. II you broke a
law, you were relentlessly punished:
there was no mercy. In America we
make laws and then hide them in dull
looking Volumes which the public have
neither the time nor the inclination to
read. In this duchy of mine 1t was
different; you ran into law on every
corner. in every park. in every public
building: little Oblong signs. enameled,
which told you that you could not do
something or other-"Forbidden!" The
beauty OF German laws is that when
you learn all the things that you can
not do. you begin to find out that the
things you can do are not worth a
hang In the doing.
As soon as person learned to read
he or she began life by reading these
laws. II you could not read, so much
the worse for you: you had to pay
guide who charged you almost as
much as the full cost of the fine.
The opposition political party in the
United States Is always bowling mill
tarism. without the slightest idea OF
what militarism really is. One side.
please. In Barscheit, when an officer
comes along. or take the consequences
II you carelessly bumped into him,
you were knocked down. II you OBJ
jected, you were arrested. II you
struck back. ten to one you. received a
beating with the hat.of saber. And
never. never mistake the soldiery for
the police: that is to say. never ask
an officer~ to direct you to any place.
This is regarded In the light OF an in
suit. The cub lieutenants do more to
keep a passable sidewalk-for the pas
sage of said cub lieutenants-than all
the magistrates put together. How
they used to swagger up and down
the Konigsstrasse. around the Platz.
in and out of the restaurants. I re-
member doing some side-stepping my
self. and Twas n diplomat. supposed
to be immune from the rank discourte-
sizes of the military. But that was
early in my career.
in year not-so remote as not to be
readily recalled. the United States
packed me OF to Barscheit because I
had an uncle who was a senator.
Some papers were given me, the per-
mission to hang out a single reading