davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-06-23
~ACRICULTURE HAS.HADA. HAIR CUT

in contact with that COOrse. predatory,
croOl, vicious anymile. The Boy
"Whln this sayin' was raypoorted to
Tiddy Rosenfelt, he give a light laugh
that blew down gr-reat trees an
wrecked a. number iv small craft on tn
Pottymack. an says he: Pooh! I've
as much thought iv bein Grief iv tn
Apache thribe.
''Whin tn Apaches heerd what tn
prisidint said they were much dis
turbed. They say they ARE an active
people, but it's wan thing to be out all
day scalpin' their neighbors an It's
another thing to have to put in twinty-
four hours on tn job Even an Apache
requires a certain amount iv sleep.
They say that if Tiddy Rosenfelt car
ries out his threat they'll put on their
pants an come into town. There's
good deal iv feelin' on tn subiick. TIL
Apaches say with truth that Harvard
colledge give Tiddy Rosenfelt to tn
nation an ought to take him back.
Harvard colledge says Tiddy Rosenfelt
didn't come firm there, he wint firm
there. There's a difference. TIL Apaches
say he's Harvard man. an tn Har-
ward men say he's an Apache. Tn day
afther he made his announcemint, old
Chief acknowledgements was inther-
viewed be a rayporther iv TIL Tomb
stone Epitaph-an' a. good papaer it is,
toO-an' says he: TIL announcement
that Misther Rosenfelt wud sooner be
chief iv tn Apaches thin prisidint iv
Harvard fills US with chagrin an
alarum. which are two things we don't
want to be filed with. Agency beef,
dead horse. dogs, an snakes ar,re good
atm but chagrin an alarum ARE bad
FIR tn digestion. ! say now We won't
have him. He's too active a man FIR
US. He doesn't understand tn thrue
inWardness iv that old Apache feelin'.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-06-23

l have been in communication with our
frinds at Cambridge, an L have pro-
posed a joint comfy iv definse COM
posed iv tn followin': FIR tn Apaches
ella MOnsther with th'-Plug- Hat,
Old Man Catch-a-Cold Poke-in tn
Lamps, an -Horse-Charley-W Who
Eats-RattIesnaI1es Head Downward;
Hill. James an Sandyana With this
sthrong body iv intellechool leaders we
feel that we can defind our cherished
institutions an repel tn outrageous
AN there We ARE. l don't know
where Tiddy Rosenfelt will land, onless
it's in tn middle west, where we're a
kind iv a cross between Harvard an
over an make room FIR him. Wen find
a job FIR him. Be hivins, he can have
mine. This here neighborhood is get
tin too tough FIR me. Tn place needs
a stronger hand.
"'Tis a great question always with
us, whatre we going TO do with our
ex-prisidints. To stop bein' prisidint
is like jumpin' out ay balloon without
a parachute. FIR four or eight years a
man is up in tn clouds, an thin sud-
denly he is rayquisted to step out into
tn cold March air an rejoin tn boys
that have been lookin' up at him. If
he don't step out, he's pushed, an down
he comes. 'Oh, look at him. He's
gettiR' nearer an nearer. We can see
his face now. 1t amt much iv a face
afther all. Is that tn face we thought
so sthrong? Well, we'll, His clothes
don't fit him. His necktie amt on
straight. He's very fat Hear him
talk. He talks tn same foolish way
We do. His voice squeaks. Twas tn
PRESIDENCY that made It seem so
sthrong. Tn White House is a gr-reat
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-06-23
Modern Rural
Sports

Jeff Peters must be reminded. When
ever he is called upon, pointedly, for
a story he win maintain that his life
has been devoid of incident as the
longest of Trollope's novels. But. lured.
he viii divulge. Therefore cast many
and divers flies upon the current of his
thoughts before I feel nibble.
Il notice." said I, that the western
farmers, in spite of their prosperity,
are running after their old populistic
idols again"
It's the running season." said Jeff,
for farmers, shad, maple trees and the
COnnemaugh river. l know something
about farmers. I thought l struck one
once that had got out of the Tut; but
Andy Tucker proved to me ] was mis-
taken. once a farmer, always suck
en- said Andy. He's the man that's
showed into the front row among bull
lets, ballots and the ballet. He's the
fltnny-bone and the gristle of the cOun-
try said Andy, and / don't know who
we would do without him.
zone morning me and Andy wakes
up with sixty-eight cents between us
I'm a yellow pine hotel on the edge of
the pre-digested hoe-cake belt Of south
ern Indiana. How we got off the train
there the night before l can't tell you;
loI size went AuIOuSu lHc NllldBt ~
fast that what looked like a saloon to
us through the car window turned out
10 be a drug store and a water tank
two blocks apart. Why we got off
at the first station we could, belongs
10 little oroide gold watch and Alas
ka diamond deal we failed to pull off
the day before. over the Kentucky line.
when I woke up l heard ROSTERS
growing, and smelt something like the
fumes of nitro-muriatic acid, and heard
something heavy fall on the floor be-
low us, and man swearing.
Cheer up, Andy says !. We're in
"a rural community, Somebody has just
tested a gold brick downstairs. Wen
go out and get what's coming to us
from farmer; and then yoicks! and
away.'
Warmers was always q kind of a
r6serve fund for me. Whenever I was
I'm hard luck I'd go to the crossroads.
hook a finger in a farmers suspender.
Tecite the prospectus of my swipdle n
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-06-23

some of these farmers hand out to us.
I've had to take rolls from 'em that
looked like bundles of microbe cultures
captured out of a Red Cross ambu-
lance
so, 1 goes to a livery stable and
hires a buggy ON my looks. l drove
out to the Plunkett farm and hitched.
There was a man sitting on the front
steps of the house. He had on a white
flannel suit, diamond ring. golf cap
and pink ascot tie. Summer board
err says I to myself
" I'd like to see Farmer Ezra Plum
kett, says / to him.
You see him. SAYS he. What seems
to be on your mind?
Il never answered a word [ stood
still, repeating to myself the rollicking
lines of the merry jingle, The Man
with the Hoe When / looked at this
farmer, the little devices i had in my
pocket for buncoing the pushed back
brows seemed as hopeless as trying to
shake down the beef trust with a nitti-
mus and a parlor rifle.
WELL says he, looking at me close,
speak UP. I see the left pocket of
your coat says good deal. Out with
the goldbrick first. I'm rather more
interested in the bricks than I am in
the trick sixty-day notes, and the lost
silver mine story
q had a kind of cerebral sensation
of foolishness in my ideas of ratiocina-
ton; but / pulled out the little brick
and unwTapped my handkerchief off
it.
One dollar and eighty cents saws
the farmer, netting it in his hand is
it a trade?'
The lead in it is worth more than
that says /, dignified. 1 put it back in
my pocket.
All right says he. But I sort of
wanted it for the collection I'm start
ing. 1 got a $1,000 one last week for
SIZE.
Just then the telephone bell rings
in the house.
Come in, Bunk says the farmer.
and look at my place. It's kind of
lonesome here sometimes. ! think
that's New York calling
I'VE went inside. The room looked
like a Broadway stockbroker's-ligh
oak desks, two phones, Spanish leather
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-06-23

a mechanical kind of way, look over
what he had, give him back his keys,
milestone and papers that was of no
value except to the owner. and stroll
away without asking questions. Farm
ers are not fair game to men as high
up in our business as me and Andy
was; but there was times when we
found 'em usful, just as Wall street
does the secretary of the treasury now
and then.
when we went down stairs we saw
we was in the midst of the finest farm
ing section we ever see. About two
miles away on hill was big white
house in d grove surrounded by d wide
spread agricultural acglomeration of
fields and barns and pastures and out
houses.
Whose house is that?' we asked
the landlord
- That, says he, is the domicile and
the arbOreal, terrestrial and horticultu-
raj accessories of Farmer Ezra Plum
kett, one of our country's most pro-
gressiVe citizens
After breakfast me and Andy, with
eight cents capital left. casts the horo-
scope of the rural pOtentate.
Let me go alone says /. Two of
US against one farmer would look as
One-sided as Roosevelt using both
hands to kill a grizzly
All right says Andy. J like to
be true sport even when I'm only
collecting rebates from the rutabaga
raisers. What bait are you going to
use for this Ezra thing?' Andy asks
me.
Oh says |. the first thing that
comes to hand to suit the case /
reckon I'll take along some of the new
income tax receipts; and the recipe for
making clover honey out of clabber
and apple Feelings: and the order
blanks for the McGuffey's readers,
which afterwards turn out to be Nc
COrInick reapers; and the pearl neck
lace found on the train; and a pocket
size gOldbriclI; and "a
'That'H be enough, says Andy.
ANY one of the lot ought to land on
Ezra. And, say, Jeff, make that sue
cOtash faHcier give you nice, clean,
new bills. It's a disgrace to our de-
paTtment of agriculture, civil service
and pure food law the kind of stuff
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-06-23

4 see" said Mr.. Dooley. "our frind
Tiddy Rosenfelt has been turned down
fr tn job iv prisidint iv Harvard coll
ledge"
WAS he lookin' fr tn job?" asked
Mr.. Hennessy.
1T appears SO. said Mr. Dooley.
Gle says not. but he must've put in
an application with a sample IN his
penmanship an sthrong riccominda-
tions firm Taft, Foraker. Fairbanks an
Bryan, fr an aged scholar livin' in
AIatsachoosetts has reluctantly con-
sinted to have himsilf interviewed on
tn subjick. He is an overseer or un-
dhertaker, as ye might put it, iv that
proud cimitary " meditation. as Ho-
gan says, an he speaks as follows: 1
have heard it bruted in tn public
prints that an ad has appeared in tn
personal column, suggistiu that gin
tleman approachin' fifty, sound in all
particulars, was DESTROYS iv obtainin'
a position as prisidint Nv a university
situated i'm some town near Boston.
Address T. r., Wash, D. c. 1 sup
pose he means Harvard. 1t is very
laudanum ambition, but is he qualified
fr tn joo? 1 think not 1t is perfectly
nachraI that a man who has held tn
comparatively innocint place ~ prisi-
dint ~ III United States shud want
" go higher. But l must flag his
haultin ambition Speakin' as tn on'y
suryivin member in Danvers IL tn
class iv eighteen eight-ruff- ruff-ruff
--ruff-ruff-Hav d-Good gracious. I
have swallowed me teeth-no, it's all
right wish to say, I'm again him. /
stand committed to ayether Professor
II. Jiggs, tn well known botanist. or
J. Q. Pillscory, tn prominent banker
~ Boston. We must have no prisidint
iv Harvard who has liver been brought
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-06-23

sOundin bOOrd. In a weeks time he's
wan iv us, no more. no less. Polismen
move him on if he stands on tn cor
ner too long. He has got to do some
thin to make a Twin. He takes up
bankin'. a few weeks ago he cud've
closed amy bank in tn country, an
now he can't keep a bank iv his own
judge that wanst come into his office
on his stummick now gives a hearty
smile at his argymints. There's nawth-
in he can do as well as somebody else
a good prisidint FIR wan that got into
tn job with q dark lantern an a jim
my, but as raiser Nv chickens there
wasn't an old lady with four cochin
cilinys in Ohio that didn't look down on
him, 1t makes q lot iv difference in tIs
game whether ye're dealin' or bettin'.
I'm a lofty an imposin' man to We,
Hinnissy; but what kind iv a figure
wud / cut on ye'er side iv tn bar? No,
sir, I take back what said about Civ
in up me job as prisidint iv this bar
to Tiddy Rosenfelt. He can't have it.
I'm a candydate FIR REELECTION FIR tn
tenth term, an tn divvle take George
Wash'nton an his example.
Yes, sir. tits a great question what
We'll do with our ex-prisidints. But it
amt ra-aly much iv a question afther
all, dye mind. It's something 1 think
Nv whin I've read through all tn adj
vertisements I'm tn pa-apers. wound me
watch, counted up tn cash, an am
waitin' FIR some thrif1in' amusement
like a visit firm you. There's nawthin'
else to think iv. an think about that.
But il We think much about anything,
no matther how thrifiin' it may be, it
gets to be as big as lone house paint
ed red 1 begin to think iv nawthin'
but our ex-prisidints. They threaten
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-06-23

mo, sir, tn question iv what Wen
do with our ex-prisidints is Ony i'm
pOrtant to tn prisidints thimsilves.
Well say to thin: we've often told us
we were tn most enlightened, tn
freest, tn kindest, an best people in tn
wurruld. Well. we're goin' to do some
thin fine FIR ye. We're goin' to make
servant. Ye said so, though We often
come out an batted us over tn head
with a potato masher. Ye were our
servant, but were goin' to promote We.
We're gOin' to make We an equal
We're goin' to take We out iv tn kitch-
en-. There's a new cook in there now.
l can hear him THROWN we're soup
stock out iv tn window an sayin' that
we've injured tn stove beyond repair
Take that big aisy chair near tn fire,
fall to with knife an fork, an thank
tn Lord We don't have to ate yeer own
eookin'.' An tn ex-prisdint squares
away an puts i'm tn rest iv his life
critisizin' tn manners iv tn family
an muttern' between his teeth,
What a bum cook
But it must be q har-rd job TO let
go iv. It's a sthrange thing, tn diff
renee between tn man without job
an tn man with a job. An American
citizen in a Prince Albert coat an a
plug hat goes up Pinnsylvanya avenoo
followed by two milishy rigimnits, tn
chamber iv commerce iv tn DISTRICT
IL Columbus. tn walters union, an tn
Wash'nton baseball team. He's an
American citizen with a plug hat an a
Prince Albert coat, an that's all he is
Near ivrywan calls him be his first
name. He climbs up on tn grand
sthand. me frind Melville Fuller, that
used to have an Office in Dearborn
sthreet befure he abandoned tn law,
says a fuw wurruds to him, an sudden
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-06-23
GOD BLESS YOU

upholstered chairs and couches, oil
paintings in gilt frames a foot deep and
a ticker hitting off the news i'll one
corner.
Hello. hellov says this funny farm
er. Is that the Regent theatre? Yes;
this is PlUnkett. of Woodbine Center.
Reserve four orchestra seats for Fri
day eveniDg-my usual ones. Yes; Fri
day-goodbye.'
II run over to New York every two
weeks to see a SHOW, says the farmer,
hanging up the receiver. I catch the
eighteen-hour flyer at Indianapolis,
spend ten hours in the heyday of night
on the Yappian way, and get home in
time to see the chickens go to roost for
ty-eight hours later. Oh. the pristine
Hubbard squasherino of the cave
dwelling period is getting geared up
some for the annual meeting of the
Don t-Blow-Out-t association,
don't you think so. Mr.. Bunk?'
- 4 seem to perceive says /. "a kind
of hiatus in the agrarian traditions in
which, heretofore, have repOsed con-
fi1ence'
Sure. Bunk says he. The yellow
primrose, on the rivers brim is getting
to look to us Reubs like q holiday edi-
ton dc luxe of the Language of Flow
ers with deckle edges and frontis-
piece.
Just then the telephone calls him
again.
Hello. heilo!' says he oh. that's
Perkins. at Milldale / told you $500
was too much for that horse. Have you
got him there? Good. Let me see him.
Keep the receiver down. Now make
him tTot in a circle. Faster. Yes, /
can hear MIN. Keep On-faster yet.
Thatll do. Now lead him up 10
the phone. Closer. Get his nose near
er the trausmitter. There. Now wait.
Il No: I don't want that horse.
What? No; not at any price. He in
terferes; ard he's windbroken. Good
bye
Now. Bunk says the farmer. 40
YOU begin to realize that agriculture has
had a hair cut? You belong in a by
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-06-23

! tn land. They obscure tn sun. They're
divastatin' our crops. I'm no sooner
settled down to sleep thin an ex-prisi-
dint is knockin' at tn dure seekin' shell
ter. 1 must get UP an give him me
bed an go to sleep on tn hUrc. TIL
ex-prisidints will eat us out iv house
an home They'll increase so that i'll
few years respectable people will
have no say in tn gOvernmint iv tn
country. They'll be formin' unions an
leagues; they'll boss US; they'll tyTan-
nize over us; we won't be able TO say
our souls ar-re our own. On tn other
hand, If we don't threat thin right,
what'll happen? They'll have to take
to ignoble pursOots; ex-pTisidints will
be panhandlin' on tn sthreet corners:
they'll be grindin' hand-organs: they'll
crowd tn thrades an profissyons
they'll desthroy tn dignity iv tn office
so that no wann liver again thry to be
prisidint
Ills a fearful prospect. but on'y FIR
awhile. An thin Iwake up. Ye poke
ye'er cherry face into tn duTe an I'm
brought back to earth. 1 raymimber
that in me lifetime there have niver
been more thin two or three ex-prisi-
dints alive at wan time. That makes
me aisy. WhatH we do with our ex-
prisidints? says We. I don't know what
to do with tn Eyetalians. tn Huns, or
tn naygurs. They're too NANNY FIR
me. But whin it comes to dalin' with
two or three old gintlemen out Nv a
job. I'll tell We what I'll do. I'll do
nawthin'. That's what I'll do. Amy
man that gets to be prisidint iv TIL
United States don't need to have amy
conservator appinted fir him. Ye bet
ne don't. A man with that much luck
cud make a comfortable livin' takin'
chances on soft pillows at church
fair.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-06-23

gone era. Why. Tom Lawson himself
knows better than 10 try to catch an
up-tO-date agriculturalist mapping. It's
Saturday. the Fourteenth. on the farm,
you bet. Now, look here. and sec how
we keen up with the days doings.'
He shows me machine on a table
with two things for your ears like the
penny-ia-the-slOt affairs. ] puts it on
and listens. \ female voice starts up
reading headlines of murders, accidents
and other political casualties.
What you hear? says the farmer,
is 4 synopsis of today's news in the
New York, Chicago. st. Louis and San
Francisco papers. 1t is wired in to our
Rural News Bureau and served hot to
subscribers. On this table you see the
principal dailies and Weeklies of the
country Also a special service of adj
vance sheets of the monthly maya
zines
Il picks up one sheet and sees that
it's headed: Special Advance Proofs.
In July. 1909, the Century will say
and so forth.
THE farmer rings up sOmebody-his
manager. / reckon-aui tells him to let
that herd of fifteen Jerseys go n $500
a head; and to SOW the 900-acre field in
wheat: and to have 200 extra cans
ready at the station for the min. trolley
car. Then he passes the Henry Ciays
and sets out a bottle Of green char
treuse, and goes over and looks at the
ticker tape.
Consolidated Gas up two points,
says he. oh. very we'll.
Ever monkey with copper I asks.
stand back says he. raising his
hand. or I'll call the dog. toll YOU
not to waste your time.
After a While he says: Bunk. if
you don't mind my telling YOU, your
company begins to cloy slightly. I've
got to write an article on the Chimera
of Communism for a magazine. and at
tend d meeting of the Race Track asso-
citation this afternoon. Of course, you
understand by now that you can't get
my proxy for your remedy, whatever
it may be-
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-06-23
Mr.. Dooey on What to Do With Roosevelt By =:
By F. p. Dunno

ly he's as much changed as If he'd
been born again. In about two mimi
wits he gets a boost tn like iv which
was niver known. A king is always
goin' to be a king. But no wan is liver
goin' to be prisidint till about Il
o'clock noon on tn fOorth iv March, an
in a minuyit afther he's not a king,
but an ace. He's tn whole thing. He
sweeps tn boords. He may be a little
scared at first, but there are plenty to
tell him that anything he does is all
right What kind iv bloom is it that
We put into tn sea to make it so blue,
Misther Prisidint?' IT'S a fine moon
we've ordhered out tonight His story
is tn best story liver told; tn foorth-
class pOstOffices rock with laughter at
his jokes. a gtn'ral in tn army steals
tn fountain pen that he signed tn bill
fr dhredgin' Akefinakee creek with
Two millyon childher are named afther
him. It isn't sthrange that befuTe he's
long in tn Office he begins to wondher
if he goes out something won't crack.
'Tis tn gr-reatest thing i'm tn histhry
Nv tn wurruld that a man that's held
this job shud be willin' to dhrop down
to tn sthreet level. where's he's lible
to be run over be a dhray if he isn't
careful. / wondher if amy iv thin liver
was willin. 1 suppose ther're helped
out be tn thought that if they thry
TO set too long in tn chair they'll find
tack in it.
What wud We do if ye were an ex-
prisidint?" asked Mr.. Hennessy.
Well said Mr.. Dooley, IF / wanted
something rale hard to do, something
that wud keep me busy an take up all
me time to tn end iv me days, I'd
thry to be prisidint again.
Copyright, 1907, by H. H. Mcclure 8
Company
Der Deutsche beobachter. [volume] (New Philadelphia, Ohio) 1869-1911, 1907-01-17
sat Guer piano t,otbig, Des
ffitttaltt sat suerOcm?

6rib Q. 9oeiel bon Denn;ion, Gotm
bon Ybilip @oeiel oaIeiblt. bat in Der
2eIter giano Babrit in philadelphia.
3d., Die 6abrifatiou BON pianos, unb
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geaenmdrtia fir 5. u. Calhoun in 8en-
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Itimlnt iperben iollte. ,penbe it'd ba1ar
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II fam lider iein, oaB Die Msbai. in
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Der Deutsche beobachter. [volume] (New Philadelphia, Ohio) 1869-1911, 1907-01-17
@eiSer Gat3 oont Gloen.

sd lpiinibe Golden. weI0e an ei=
nem labmen aiifen uno 9lierenubel
leioen, ettuas mertbooilsn S!otb gu ae=
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aenn. SD labe nit abioluter 8ewiB=
belt beiuiefen, oaB electric gltters oie=
len qndlenosn 3nIano poIitiu furiren
weroen. gie erHe islaihe gslpdbrte mir
Glnoernng uno nod Ginnebmen bon
eiltiaen 4Delieren 6laiben mar ib poll.
lidnoig aebeilt uno smar 10 oo(fanoia
oab es mir gum 0ersniiaen suiro, oles
groBe 0elImittel gu empfeblsn. So
rantirt bon %. 6. peter's slpotbefe.
preis SO @ents. Sn peters Npotbefe
miro oeuti6 gelprohen.
Der Deutsche beobachter. [volume] (New Philadelphia, Ohio) 1869-1911, 1907-01-17

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5ropIen Del ullss luisoer in Olonuno
brlngen miiroe. Geu. H. $. 9b. NQri.
cola, Marietta. 8a.. idreibt: sd
belte es fir mene YHlbt. Sbnsn msins
@riabruna init Sbrsm glIpsrtrdutsr.
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leBten ssbn Sabre in meiuer JumlIls
9ebraubt babe. mitsuibsilen. Sd babe
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olrett pertauft our6 Die giaenthiimer,
leter 6a1rnep & Sons &c., ll2-
l8 so. 9opne Nue.. Chicago. Su.