West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1907-02-14
The
Phonograph ana
the Graft
BY o. HENRY


aN3NAAAH ~ I ANn ILI
lit smut faced and blue overalled.
"'Tis a fair afternoon" I said. "but
bids TO be colder"
did l ever tell YOU" began Klrksy
honorably. about the time Henry
Horsecollar and me took a photograph
TO Sou American And 1 felt asham-
ed of my subtcrfuge and dropped into
the wooden chair he kicked toward me.
Henry was n quarter breed, quar-
erback Cherokee. educated east In the
idioms of football and west I'm contra
band whisky, and n gentleman. same
as you or me. He was easy and rsmp-
ing In his ways; a man about six foot,
with a kind of rubber tire movement.
Henry and me met at Texarkana
and figured out this photograph
scheme. He had $500 which came to
him out of n land allotment In the
reservation. l had run down from Lit
tie Rock on account Of n distressful
scene l had witnessed on the street
there. "A man stood on n box and pass
ed around some gold watches. screw
case, stem winders, Elgln movement,
very elegant. Twenty bucks they cost
you over the counter. At So the crowd
Fought for the tickers. The man hap
pened to find n valise full of them
handy, n he passed them out like
putting hot biscuits on n plate. The
backs were hard 10 unscrew, but the
crowd put its ear TO the case, and they
licked modifying and agreeable. Three
or those watches We're genuine tickers,
but the rest, they were only kickers.
"Hey2 Why, empty cases, with one
OF them horny black bugs that fly
AROUND electric lights in 'em. Them
bugs kick OFF minutes and seconds in
dustrious and beautiful. The man I
was speaking of cleaned up $2SS and
went away, because he knew that when
1t came to wind watches in Little Rock
an entomologist would be needed, and
he wasn't one.
$50, as 1 say, Henry had $500 and 1
had $2SS. The phonograph Idea was
Henry's. but i took TO IL freely, being
fond Of machinery Of all kinds.
w bought n fine photograph in
Texarkana-one OF the best make
and half a trunkful OF records. We
packed up and took the T. and p. for
New Orleans. From that celebrated
center OF molasses and DISTINGUISHED
coon songs we took q steamer for-yes.
/ think II was South America or Mexico
Il am full Of inability TO dlvulge the To-
cation of tits on the rural delivery
map, tits colored yellow on the map
and branded with the literature OF
cigar boxes.
we landed IN a smiling coast at a
town they denounced by the name, as
near as / can ~recollect, OF Sore-toe-
kangaroo. Twas a palatable enough
place to look at. The houses were
clean and white, sticking about among
the scenery like hard boiled eggs serv-
ed with lettuce. There was a block OF
skyscraper mountains In the suburbs,
and they kept pretty quiet, like they
were laying one finger on their lips
and watching the town. And the sea
was remarking 'Sh-sh-shg ON the beach.
and now and then n ripe cocoanut
would fall kerflp in the sand, and that
was all there was doing.
The captain went ashore with us
and offered to conduct what he seemed
TO like to call the ~obsequies. He intro
duced Henry II me TO the United
States consul and a roam man, the head
Of the department Of mercenary and
hcentious disposition, the way It read
upon his sign.
al touch here again a week from
today says the captain.
"'By that time we told him. wen
be amasslng wealth in the interior
towns with our galvanized prima
donna and correct limitations OF Sousa's
band %excavatng a march from n tin
nine
"'Ye'l not says the captain. Yen
be hypnotlzed. Any gentleman In the
audience who kindly steps upon the
stage and looks this country In the eye
viii be converted TO the hypothesis
that he's but a fly In the Elgin cream
cry. Yen be standing knee deep In
the surf waiting for me, and YOU ma
chine for making hamburger steak out
Of the hitherto respected art OF music
viii be playing There's no place like
home."'
Henry skinned a twenty OF his roll
and received from the bureau OF mer-
cenary dispositions a paper bearing a
red seal and a dialect story, and no
change.
Then we got the consul full Of red
wine and struck him for a horoscope.
He was a thin. youngish kind OF man,
should say past fifty. sort Of French
Irish 10 his affections u pulled up
with disconsolatlon. Yes. he was a
hattened kind Of a man ia whom drink
lay stagnant, inclined to corpulence
and misery. Yes, ] think he was a
kind Of Dutchman, being very sad and
geniai. IN his ways.
The marvellous invention be says
entitled the photograph has never be-
fore Invaded these shores. The people
have never heard o. They would not
believe 10 n they should. slmple
hearted children Of nature. progress
has never condemned them 10 accent
me work OF a can opener os an over
ture, and ragtime miaht lnclta them 10
o bloody revolution. But you can try
The experiment The best chance YOU
have Is that the populace nay not
wake up when you play. There's two
ways says the consul. tlpv NAV faka
it-hey may become laa1rlatsI with
attention, IKE au Atlanta colonel listen.
Ing 20 Marching Through Georgia % or
they will get excited ana tralsDoge 10
key Of the music with au as and your.
selves into q dungeon Iu the latter
case says the consul. IIl do my duty
by cabling 90 the state department
"a Ill wrap tbe stars and stripes
around you when yOu come 90 be shot
and threaten them with tho vengeance
81 the greatest gold export and fnan-
cial reserve nation ou earth Tho fsg
ls run of bullet holes now says tho
consul, made 900 That way. Twice be-
fore says the consul. y have cab.ed
our government for q couple on gun-
boats 20 protect American citizens.