Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1907-07-06
JOBSON ON THE FOURTH

"Er-are we going away anywhere over
the Fourth7' timidiy ventured Mrs. job
son at the breakfast table Tuesday morn
ing last.
''ooing away-for whatr' inquired Mr..
Jobson. siowerinx at her over the rambler
roses In the middle OF the table.
WHY" said Mrs. Jobson, Ito escape the
noise and"
Escape nothing" cut IN Mr.. Jobson,
gioomaly. '-How Jon go..G to escape It?
Go to Pitcairn Isiardf Hire balloon and
lee to 6pitsbergens Hike to the Mo5ave
deserti I'd be conssderably obliged to you
Il you would suggest how anybody can get
away from this demphool Fourth OF July
nonsense. madam. but you can't do 1t. les
not to be done"
''Oh. but aren't there some places" Mrs.
Jobson began to inquire where It 10 not
carried 70 such an extreme. and where"
NO place that I over saw or heard Of.
madam. nor you. either" broke In Mr.. job
son In his early morning crouch tone. "The
habit Of celebrating the most glorious OF
American patriotic days in a Chinese mani
ner has penetrated every nook and Granny
Of this country. and there's no chance to
get away from 1t. There ought to be q law
against this silly. rattle-brained fireworks
oS xei anyneT m, :, Mr.. yos,ou
''ths day must be celebrated somehow, I
suppose. and If"
you will be good enough to spare me
dependence day should be celebrated. mad
am" interrupted Mr.. Jobson. hoarseiy.
You know just about rs much about that
subject as you do about the fourth dimen-
sion. and that's going some for opacity. I
you how the day oughtn't to be cele-
brated. It cughnt to be celebrated by
a lot OF mullet-heads firing OF giant
crackers and guns and setting sane people
crazy for twenty-four hours at a stretch.
This country must be in fine condition. I
think not. when the Inhabitants have to fan
the ashes Of a dormant patriotism by max
that could tell me what the American day
Of independence had to do with the Chi
nese new year. and yet they're both cele-
brated Ia the Identical way-with the set
ting OF of some octillions OF ear-spiitttns
flrecrackers. We're the Joke OF nations
over the way We celebrate our big ma
tional holiday laughing stock. We
might Just as well stalk through the streets
July as to do the fool things We do
There's Just about as much sense in
But" perilously suggested Mrs. Jobson.
"the young ones. suppose. have the same
they did in our own day. and
Tradition my left eye madam broke IN
dition. women 'ud stin be wearing tigers
IGetn IN tnelS Ip3 aOQ 0Ol08 t1ciT nAlI up
in the shape Of a rhinosceros on top Of
their heads and soaking 1t In cocoanut but
ter, and men would be drawing lots to see
which Of 'em was going to be baked for the
next Offering to the heap chief Tradition.
humbug And it's just barbarism. that's all.
to raise UP wheips with the idea that it's
their right and traditional privilege to raise
all the everlasting IA they've a mind to In
versary in the American calendar. Some
other way could be found for them to work
off their latent barbarism on the Fourth of
July. They could throw half bricks at each
with noiseless bows. or whale away at each
other with fence pickets. or something like
that. and the noise would be comparatively
none Al all, while the calamfties couldn't be
much greater. II this thing keeps UP"
well. then" interposed Mrs. Jobson. not
perceiving any end to Mr.. Jobson's speech
making, at Is settled that we are not to go
away over the Fourth and that"
II say So" replied Mr.. Jobson, grandly.
I'VE are not only not going away. but we
are going to remain closely bottled up In
to he end eong
all Of the screens out of the windows and
pull the windows down tight, so as to ex-
clude as much of the racket as possible,
and then I'm going to retire to the attic.
throughout the day. By sticking cotton
In my ears and remaining pent up in the
attic hope to get through the miserable
day without breaking down with nervous
prostration. You may consider that the
Fourth Of July program for this household
Is arranged and perfected can't help
bors' children. but I can at least do the
best can to duck the hideous Fourth
Of July results Of IT," and then Mr.. job
son clomped out the basement way and
went down 10 his Office.
Mr.. Jobson was in a pretty clipper and
cheerful frame Of mind when he woke up
on Fourth Of July morning. He ate
whopping breakfast arid after breakfast
reading the paper and smoking his cigar
and gazing out at the youngsters firing
their crackers and torpedoes. Obviously
he had forgotten all about that plan OF his
to barricade himself IN the attic during the
Fourth Of July. Along toward lunch time
he began to take notice Of the way three
or four Of the boys Of the block were
shooting off their crackers out in front
Of the Jobson domicile:
Those youngsters don't get the good
out Of their f1recrackers that us fellers
Mrs. Jobson They don't get enough
noise out Of 'em. And they don't know
how to nurse and hoard their firecrackers.
Why. I'll bet those kids never heard OF
shooting 'em OF under a dish pan. and
That suggested something to Mr.. Jobson.
He sneaked out the basement way, went
around the corner to q fireworks shop and
presently returned with ar1nful OF fire.
crackers Then he skunk in the basement
way and COPIED out Mrs. Jobson's second
best dishpan. Then he went out again
and beckoned a bunch Of the frecracker-
shooting youngsters to the vacant lot
down the street
"Hey, you fellers' he called to the de-
lighted boys. come on along here and I'll
show you some shootin' of flrecrackers as
Is what you might call shootin," and they
all trooped gayly after him to the vacant
lot.
When Mrs. Jobson went over there an
hour or so later to summon Mr.. Jobson to
lunch he was firing off the final package
of his stock Of crackers underneath the
dishpan and the noise he was making was
something terrific. The boys were dane
ing around him. tickled at the attention
he was bestowing upon them and sharing
of his largesse in the matter OF fire.
crackers. Mrs. Jobson had all she could
do to get Mr.. Jobson into the house for
luncheon.
"Hey. you boys" he said to the young
STEERS as he returned to his home with Mrs.
Jobson, ''be around about dark this even
ing and Wen have a little fireworks ex-
hibition on this lot that'H make the rest
of the affairs Of that kind around this town
look sick"
|. Haven't had SO much fun since Hector
was a pup" he painted. delightedly, to
Mrs. Jobson. as he gobbled his lunch.
Didn't know there was SO burned much
had ne cirr,nl