The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-04-15
MARK TWAIN GIVES
Mr.. D0OLEY A LESSON

Last night at a dinner party where
was present. Mr.. Peter Dunno DOOley !
] handed 10 the host several dollars. in |
satisfaction OF a lost bet, writes Mark |
Twain in his autobiography in North |
American Review. l seemed to see an
opportunity TO better my condition. and |
l invited DOOley. apparently disinJerest- |
edly, 10 come to my house Friday and |
play billiards. He accepted, and I judge |
that there is going 10 be a deficit in !
the Dooley treasury as result In |
great qualities of the heart and brain, /
DOoley is gifted beyond all propriety. !
He IS brilliant, he is an expert with his
pen. and he easily stands at the head of
all the satirists Of this generation-but
( ne is going To walk in darkness Friday J
afternoon. 1t viii be a fraterual kind !
ness 10 teach him that with all his light
and culture he does not know all the
valuable things. and il viii also be a |
fra teTuai kindness 20 him 20 complete
his education for him-and I shall do
this on Friday, and send him home in
that perfect condition.
I possess a billiard secret which can
be valuable 10 the Dooiey sept. after !
shall have conferred il upon DOOley-l
for consideration. II is a discovery |
which | made by accident, thirty-eight
years ago. in NY father-in-law's house
i'm Elmira. There was SCARED and
battered and ancient billiard table in
the garnet and along with il a peck OF
checked and -hipped balls. and a rack !
full of crooked and headiess cues. II
played solitaire up there every day with
that difficult outfit. The table was not
level but Slgntej sharply TO the south
east; there wasn't ball that was round
or would complete the journey you
startel IL on, bur would always get tired
and stop half way and settle. with n
jolly vabble, To standstill on its
Clipped side. I tried making counts
With four balls, but found it difficult
and dis OuTaging. so / added fifth ball. |
then a sixth. then a seventh and kept
on adding until at last I had twelve
balls on the table and a thirteenth to
ply with. Nv game was caroms-ca-
Toms SUiclN-caTOmS plain. or CarOmS
with cushion 10 help-anything that
could furnish count. In the course Of
time / found to my establishment that ]
was never able To run fifteen under any
circumstances. BY budding the balls
now and then coax fourteen out of them
now and then coax fourteen out of
them. but | couldn't reach fifteen by
either luck Or skill Sometimes the
balls would get scattered into difficult
positions and defeat me in that way;
sometimes if I managed to keep them
together 7 would freeze: and always
when I frOze and had To play away
nothing TO play at but wide and I'M
. inhabited vacancy.
one day Nj Dalton called or my
/ bTOthoT-iu-law, on a matter of bust
ness. and ! was asked if I could enter
tain him awhile, until my brother-in-
Law should finish ~ ensa cement with
another gentleman. said I could and
took him up TO tho billiard table. /
had played with him many times at
I Z 40 rs1rr t-ua hal 1rE MIA
billiards tOlerably well-Only tOlerably
Well-but not any better than I could.
He and I We're just match. He didn't
know our table he didn't know those
bells: he didn't know those warped and
heddless cues he didn't know the
southeastern slant of the table. and
how to allow for IL. I judged il would
be safe and profitable to offer him
bet on my scheme. ] emptied the ava
lanche Of thirteen balls on the table
and said:
Take ball and begin. Mr.. Dalton.
How many can you run with an out
Law like that?'
He said with the half-affronted air
of d mathematician who has been
asked how much OF the multiplication
table he can recite without a break:
I suppose q milliOn-S00.000 any
way"
I said: You shall have the privilege
of placing the balls to suit yourself
and I want to bet you a dollar that YOU
cant run fifteen"
I will not dwell upon the sequel. At
the end Of an hour his face was red,
and wet with perspiration; his outer
garments lay scattered here and there
over the place; he was the angriest
man in the state. and there wasn't a
rag or remnant of an injurious adject-
i've left in him anywhere-aud I had
all his small change.
I am very fond Of Mr. .DOoley, and
shall await his coming with Affection
ate and pecuniary interest.
p. Saturday. He has been here