davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-12-15
Copyright, 1907. by H. H. Mcclure &
Company

denoe that win enable her 10 enroll in
the Society of the Crime of Seventy
three or the Continental Dams ar The
Order of the Landed Gentry of Ellis
Island or some one or another OF the
$50 varieties that we now have.
Tn qualified myself. Larry. There $
rien foreign blood flowing through my
veins--1 was vaccinated off of an i'm
ported bull calf. But l don't crave
such honors, though I've been told it's
a grand thing to be absolutely SUI (
you're descendant and have embossed
papers in the house to prove Il
Il met one of the leading ancestry
sharDs the other day at q studio tea
Larry-a lady sharp, this one was. and
they're the most violent kind. Thav
told me she was a leader of society
and 50 she will be any time sociesy
turns around and starts back The other
way. One of her ancestors crosse /
on the ice with George Washington
Or maybe it was Eliza he crossed with
she was dark complicated. Anyhow. it
counts her the same as big casino
among the real descendants. Ny lii
erary friend, Watkins, was there, and
after he'd conversed with her he wrote
a poem on the subject-a dialect poem
Here it is-he gave me a cooy:
To man up a tree-not family tree
Says Uncle Dudley Jones to me:
1T pears jest nowhere he turned his
Quid-
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-12-15

1T was a sad thing that happened
at Pittsburg." said the Hotel Clerk.
.'Readin' the comic papers you'd
think nothin' sad ever happened
there" said the House Detective of the
Hotel St. Reckless
well. this was sad all right" said
the Hotel Clerk. In that historic city
from which so many of our million
aires have come-and come fast-there
are scores of patrician faces still
streaked with stains where the tear of
distress coursed downward and made
burrows through the native complex
ion.
1T started this way. Larry. There
was a well-dressed young man with ii
clean collar on that came to Pittsburg
and attracted some attention. he
went to the leading hotel and took the
most expensive suite-the one with the
bathroom attached. Then he sent out
n form of letter to the chivalry and
beauty of the city, saying he was trav-
cling ahead of the main show. booking
orders for presentations at the Court
of st. James Terms payable i'm ad-
vance. Come early and avoid the rush
Not responsible for coats and umbrel-
las. Line forms on the left. Take
check and hold turn"
Did he git any answers?" asked the
House Detective.
We'll. not as many as he expected"
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-12-15

1--WE do" said the Hotel Clerk. I'VE
do hate 'em, only for the sake of hos
pitaiity we disguise our feelings when
they come over to examine our public
institutions. such as Newport and
LenOx and the Royal Poinciana hotel at
Palm Beach. When seven or eight
hundred thousand of US New Workers
turns out and stand on each others
feet for several hours and have our
faces altered by policemen, while
waiting for a young member of a royal
house to drive past in a closed carriage
on ais way 10 the Millionaire's club for
a taste of old-fashioned democracy,
you'd think maybe that we are really
a taste for old-fashioned democracy,
But no. Outwardly we may show Ell
thusiasm, but inwardly we are coll
sumed with the deepest loathing and
contempt"
"Ah, YOU can't gimme that dope, Mir.
Mclean" said the House Detective
IF that's true, what do these guys
keep Or joinn' them foolish societies
for-the A. o. H. and the G. A r
ought to satisfy anybody that wants to
join scmethin'."
well, it's a catching disease" said
the Hotel Clerk, land devastating in
its effects. The bitterest enemy of the
lettering monarehies of the old world
that we've got it always ready to throw
his chest out in a dOrmer effect when
his wife secures the documentary evil
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-12-15

other servants. Further to secure his
incOg. Charles assumed the style and
title of Mr., Peter Porter. and booked as
such in the Etruria at Liverpool
The day before starting, however. he
went down with me TO the city for an
interview with his brokers in Adams
court. Old Broad street. Finglemore,
the senior partner, FASTENED, of course,
| to receive us. AS we entered his private
room good looking young man rose
and lounged out, 'Halloa, Finglemore, -
Charles said, that's that scamp of a
brother of yours! l thought you had
shipped him off years and years ago to
China?'
so I did. Sir Charles" Finglemore
answered. rubbing his hands somewhat
nervousiy. But he -peYer went there.
Being an idle young dog, with a taste
for amusement, he got for the time no
further than Paris. Since then he's
hung about bit, here, there and every
where, and done no particular good for
himself or his family. But about three
or four years ago he somehow struck
lie; he went to South Africa, poaching
on your preserves; and now he's back
again-rich, married, and respectable.
His wife. a nice little woman, has re-
formed him. Wen, what can 1 do for
you this morning."
Charles has large interests in Amer
lea, in Santa Fe, and Topekas, and 9th
er big concerns; and he insisted on TAX
ing out several documents and vouch-
ers connected in various ways with his
widespread ventures there. He meant
to go. he said, for complete rest and
change, on a general tour Of private
inquiry-New York, Chicago, Colorado,
the mining districts. 1t was a million
aires holiday. So he took all these val
/ uables in black japanned dispatch
box. which he guarded like a child, with
absurd precautions. He never allowed
that box out of his sight for one mo-
ment; and he gave me no peace as to
its safety and integrity. 1t was a-per-
feet fetish.
We must be cautious" he said. ''Sey,
cautious. Especially in travelling. Rec
ollect how that little curate spirited the
diamonds out of Amelia's jewel case? l
shall not let this box out of my sight
shall stick to it myself if we go to
the bottom"
We did not go to the bottom. 1t is the
proud boast of the Cunard company
that it has "never lost passengers
life" and the captain would not con-
sent to send the Etruria to Davy Jones'
locker merely in order to give Charles
a chance of sticking to his dispatch box
under trying circumstances. On the
contrary, we had delightful and un
eventful passage, and we found our fell
low passengers most agreeable people.
Charles. as Mr.. Peter Porter, being
freed for the moment from his terror of
Colonel Clay, would have felt really
happy. 1 believe had it not been for
the dispatch box. He made friends from
the first hour quite after the fearless
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-12-15
BY IRWIN S. COBB.

That the ancestry bus ness is overdid.
IN land like this. where a mans
grand-dad
It's gin'rally lowed. stole all he had
From the savages, it's blame pore taste,
And of time and talents and cash waste
To be always tryin TO prove a kid
Come of better stock n his parents did.
why. in my day. son. as a usual thing
Floks th'owed their energies more, by
Jing.
To the generations a-eomin' on,
Than 20 foolin' with them that was dead
And it warn't the correctest thing. not
then.
To be lookin family arms right when
The family legs WIZ needin' a chance
To git inside of a new pair of pants
These ANCESTRY chaps jest go crazy, and
If they amt got ANCESTORS fittin' to be
Swung in the lambs of d family tree,
Bust into a graveyard like as not
And scratch around till they git 'em a
lot
OF nice remainders of folks deceased,
Which is petty larceny. to say the least:
And next thing you know they'll UP and
use
My Kin Or your'n. or the Lord knows
whose
AS their fo'fathers. Gas that kind hez
The nerve OF a lion, as the Teller sez''
That's a poor poem.' says the House
Detective.
well, he had poor subject" said
the Hotel Clerk.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-12-15
BY GRANT ALLEN.
Copyright, 1907, by W. G. Chapman.)

Quackenboss feelings, and-much to
my surprise-he seemed truly grieved
at il. If the doctor would have ac-
cepted a thousand pounds down to
shake hands at once and forget the in
cident-in my opinion Charles would
have gladly paid it. Indeed, he said
as much in other words to the pretty
American-for he could not insult her
/ by Offering her money. Mrs. Quacken-
boss did her best to make it up. for
she was a kindly little creature, III
spite OF her ROBUSTNESS; but Elihu
stood aloof. Charles urged him Sill
to 90 out to South Africa, increasing
his bait to two thousand a year: yet
the doctor was immOvable.
mo, no." he said. Il had half de-
cided to accept your offer-till that un-
fortunate impulse; but that settled the
question. AS an American citizen, I
decline to become the representative Of
a British nObleman who takes such
means of investigating questions which
affect the hair and happiness of his
fellow creatures.
I don't know whether Charles was
most disappointed at missing the
chance of so clever a superintendent
for the mine at Cloetedorp or elated at
the novel description of himself as "a
British nObleman," which is not
precisely our English idea Of colonial
knighthood.
Three days later, accordingly. the
Quackenbosses left the Lakeside hotel
We we're bound on an expedition up
the lake ourselves, when the pretty
little woman burst in with a dash 10
tell us they were leaving. She was
CharmiEgly got uD i'm the neatest and
completest of American travelling
dresses. Charles held her hand affec-
tionately
I'm sorry it's goodbye he said, Il
have done my best to secure your hus-
band"
You couldn't have tried harder than
/ did" the little woman answered and
the tip-tilted nose looked quite pathet-
ic; for l just hate to be buried right
down there in Kentucky! However,
Elihu is the sort of man woman can
neither drive nor lead; so we've got to
put up with him." And she smiled
upon US sweetly. and disappeared for
ever. Charles was disconsolate all that
day. Next morning he rose. and an
nOunced his intention of setting out for
the west on his tour Of inspection. He
would TecTeate by reveling in Colorado
silver lodes.
We packed out own portmanteaus,
for Charles had not brought even
Simpson with him, and then we pre-
pared to set out by the morning train
for Saratoga.
Up till almost the last minute Charles
nursed his dispatch box. But as the
baggage smashers" were taking down
our luggage. and a chambermaid was
lOuuging OfficiOusly about in search of
tip, he laid it down for a second or
Continued on Page IS
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-12-15
Che Episode Of the
Japanese Dispatch Box

"Sey," my brother-in-law said next
spring, I'm sick and tired of Londonl
Let's shoulder our wallets at once, and
l will to some distant land, where no
man doth me know"
Mars or Mercury" I inquired: for
In our own particular planet I'm afraid
you'll find it just a trifie difficult for
Sir Charles Vandrift to hide his light
under a bushel"
'Oh, I'll manage it, Charles an
swered- What's the good of being a
millionaire. ] should like to know, if you
are always obliged to behave as SIGH?
I shall travel incog. I'm dog tired of
being logged by these endless impos-
tors
And. indeed. we had passed through
a most painful winter. Colonel Clay had
stopped away for some months. it il
true, and for my own part, I will con-
TESS, since it wasn't my place TO pay
the piper, I rather missed the wonted
excitement than otherwise But Charles
had grown horribly and mOrbidly sus-
picious. He carried out his principle of
"distrusting everybody and disbelieving
everything" till life was a burden to
him. He spotted impossible Colonel
Clays under a thousand DISCUSSES: he
was quite convinced he had frightened
his enemy away at least a dozen times
over beneath the varying garb of fat
club waiter, a tall policeman, a washer
woman's boy, a solicitors clerk, the
Bank of England beadle. and the collec-
tor of water rates. He saw him as con-
stantly, and in as changeful forms, as
medieval saints used to see the devil.
Amelia and 1 really began to fear for
the stability of that splendid intellect;
we fOr1SaW that unless the Colonel
Clay nuisance could be abated somehow
Charles might sink by degrees to the
mental level of a common or ordinary
stock exchange plunger.
So, when my brother-in-laW an
nounced his intention of going away in
cog. to parts unknown, on the succeed
ing Saturday, Amelia and felt a flush
of relief from long continued tension.
Especially Amelia-who was not going
with him.
For rest and quiet" he said to us at
breakfast, laying down the Morning
Post, "give me the deck of an Atlantic
liner! No letters; no kilograms. No
stocks; no shares. No Times; no Sat
urday. I'm sick of these papers"
THE World is too much with US" I
a ssented. cheerfully. I regret to say
nobody appreciated the point of my
quotation.
Charles took infinite pains. 1 must adj
NIT. to insure perfect secrecy. He made
me write and secure the best state
rooms-main deck amidships, under my
name. without mentioning his-in the
Fstruria. for New York, on her very
next voyage He spoke of his destina-
tion to nobody but Amelia; and Amelia
warned Cesarine, under pains and pen
alties. on no account to betray it to the
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-12-15
Mr. orr So;r IF nriCf P. Dunno
By T. P. Dunno

this? There must be something in
thought transference, FIR this is tn
very thing I was hopin' some wan wud
give me- An thin We reach into yeeT
coattail pocket an pull out a pack
age. / reel with joy at tn sight iv a
cardboard match box to hang on tn
wall an take We be tn hand an say:
Ra-aly. Hinnissy, L feel 1 oughtn't to
take this. Why did we go to such ex
pense f'r me? 1t makes my poor little
gift lcok so TRIVIAL An tn next week
1 obsarve that ye're not wearin' tn
millinery 1 give We an ye note that I
still get me matches out iv me vest
pocket, an nayther iv us cares a
sthraw wan way or another. But if
We hadn't given me anything or if
given We anything, we'd both feel
mad. There amt amy worse feelin'
thin not gettin' something firm some
body that we've give something to eX-
cept to get something firm somebody
that we've given nawthin' to. In wan
case We feel like a sucker an in the
other like an embezzler. I've often
thought 'twud be a good idee FIR peO-
pie to get together a week or two be-
fure Christina an say: If yen prom
Use not to give me tn necktie that I
see in yeer eye 1 will promise not to
give ye tn penwiper 1 intind to give
We in Seif-defense' But both tn shirt
iv Christmas an ]. Felsenthal tell me
this is wrong. They both say 'Unbelt,
an they're right
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-12-15

''Well. sir" said Mr.. Dooley, 81 see
that tn boord iv iddycation down in
New York have about made up their
minds not to let tn childher sing
Christmas carols amy more"
why not?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
well" said Mr. Dooley. "tis this
way 1 see be tn pa-apers; Certain
representatives " splendid race that
has oeen crooly prosecuted an crushed
FIR NANNY cinchries but are still far
firm broke, wint to this here cultivated
body ~ retired grocerymen an de-
manded that all references to tn past
be chopped out iv tn Chris mas songs.
They were willin' tn childher shud
sing thin if no mintion was made iv
tn origin ~ Christmas. An ye can
bet tn boord iv iddycation listened to
thin. FIR a race that has been throd
undher foot so long our fellow dimmy-
Gratis firm few miles east iv Ireland
are far firm weak in the great centers
~ our financial disturbances.
Names endin' in 'heimer' are far
more frequent on tn dindows iv banks
thin names beginnin' with % or Mac
Ourselves an tn Germans hold our
grip or tn distribution iv moisture,
but if Father Kelly wants TO buy a
shirt he has to go to me frind Jake
Felsenthal FIR it. TIL Irish are tn
greater potes, but they have a shade
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-12-15

th' hest iv us at mental arithmetic.
We inthrajooce arithmetic into pothry
an they inthrajooce pothry into arith-
metic. Their names are seen on IN
idertyal page iv NANNY Newspapers
an on tn more allurin' advertisin'
pages iv all. They amt quite as good
hands at pollyticks as we are. but fr
foreigners they're not so bad an a
combination iv US an thin can bate
tn wurruld So We can bet TIL boord
iv iddycation afther addin' up tn Epis-
copaIyan vote, listened TO what they
had to say.
'Howiver Jake Felsenthal was in
here today an he says there's naWthn
in 1t. He's fine man, me frind Jake
Felsenthal He was at wan time cap
tain iv Comp'ny G in tn Hibernyan
Rifles; he was tn fastest hundherd
yards man we had in tn Gaelic Ath-
letic assocyation, though, nacherally,
not so good at tOssin' tn cabar or put
tin tn shot, an he has often boxed at
our " eekly concerts undher tn name
iv O'Halloran. He's a fine, pious man,
too, an often have L seen him go into
his church with his stOvepipe hat on
his head. He give me tn laugh whin
l told him me gloomy suspicious that
his people were startin' to abolish
Christmas. Don't We believe it, says
he. Wen nivir do anything to in
jure a festival that makes people lock
so cheerful We're a happy race our
silves an we're glad iv wan day that
dhrives tn gloom off tn faces iv tn
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-12-15

rest IL We. Why, says he with a wink.
If anything iv tn kind was attimpt-
ed my people wud rally around Chris
mas to PROTECT it again it's inimies. But
f'r that splendid wave iv Hebrew sin
tinlint that sweeps acrost tn Christ
yam wurruld wanst a year an makes
We buy things FIR other people FIR fear
they're goin' to buy something akeIly
vallyable FIR We, what wud become iv
tn department stores? No, sir; I'll
stand firm an fight to save this fis-
tival that is SO dear to ye again all TIL
attacks iv tn anti-Semites. AS FIR tn
Chris mas carols, didn't 1 used to sing
thin mesilf when L was a little kid.
an Schwartzmeister, Hogan an mesiIf
used to attend tn Unitaryan Sunday
school TIL Sunday they had tn Chris
mas tree? They niver hurt me. No
song liver hurt annywan if it was set
to music. Cheer up, me boy. Come
over to tn store. I've got a set if tn
Lives iv tn Saints that 1 can let We
have cheap. 'Twud make a suitable
Chris mas prisint.'
"Iv coorse he's right. No wan can
have amy rale dislike iv Christina
It's a kind iv a gin'ral holiday that
ivry man seems to get a part iv. Be
hivens, 1 believe that if old Mahamet
himsilf was alive he'd hang up his
stockin' on tn mantelpiece an go
broke giVin' pTisints to his wives In
a little less thin two weeks time all
tn wurruld viii be up arly, singin'
songs, exchangin' gifts. slappin' each
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-12-15

well, it's a grand peeryod, amy
how. 1 begin to see tn effects iv it
already. The amount iv amyable
GRIMM has already increased about
fifty per cent Tn stores are bright
ening up. I see me frinds gOin' hons
with bundles undher their overcoats.
TIL Salvation Army Sandy Klaus on
tn corner with tn false whiskers is
jinglin' his tambourine. Even old
Grogan give me a pleasant bow this
mornin'. He has sint wUrrud to his
deposytOrs that they can dhraw out
their money if they'll promise to spind
it on presents an not on household ex-
pinses or other base luxuries An as
FIR tn childhre Christmas has been
comm FIR about two months FIR thin,
an comm stronger an shinin' in
their cheerful, hopeful, avaricious lit
tie faces. No matther what kind iv
Christmas this is fr anybody else,
it'll be a good wan FIR tn kids. There
niver was a bad wan FIR thim.'
= cud enjye Christmas more if I was
younger" said Mr.. Hennessy.
mot to mention a millyon or two
other things includin' me-" said Mr..
DOoIey. Run out now before they're
all gone an buy that match box.
have in tn dhrawer a necktie that I'd
defy We to wear to a ball iv tn Socyai
Ordher iv tn Sons iv Ham"
Copyright, 1907, by H. H. Mcclure &
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-12-15

other OH tn back cryin' out Chris mas
box Merry Christmas TIL same to
We, Pathrick, Bill, Etieene, Jovanny,
Carlos Hans, Kikeovitch or Eppanny-
mondas Binyons iv ehildher will be
yellin' in a hundherd different Ian
guages; oh. look what l got In the
avenin' millyons iv CANAL men will be
standin' at tn heads iv tables, slap
pin a carvin' knife on a steel an thin
goin' at a turkey an performin mira
cles iv scientific distribution. Pleas
ant vurruds will go round. III have
Pass tn cranberry sauce Father. if
ye'er not careful yen have nawthin'
left FIR ye'ersilf' 'Niver We mind me,
Thrust tn old man to look out FIR
himsilf' TIL family jest will go round.
Little boys will look sadly at what is
left iv tn noble bird an reflect, as
Hogan says, on tn vanity ~ human
ambition in tn eating line. An that
night Dock O'Leary, passin' by my
place will hand me tn same remark
that he's handed me FIR thirty years:
I must go home arly, fir tomorrow is
me busy day. But L don't mind.
don't care whin people get indigestion
firm Overeating. It's whin they have
it FIRM not gettin enough to eat that
I'm world, says he.
Father Kelly says Chris mas is d
feeding as we'll as a feast. About this
time iv tn year tn Christmas feelin'
comes along an gives We a nudge.
Yeer thinking about cutting down ex-
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-12-15

penses an savin money, an tn
Christmas spirit whispers in ye'er ear:
Come, give up But says ye, why
shud | be buyin things FIR people that
don't want thin because they're goin'
to buy things FIR me that 1 don't want
because they think I'm buying things
FIR thin they don't want because 1
think they're buyin things FIR me that
I don't want?' None iv ye'er business,
says tn spirit iv Chris'ma Loosen
up An the first thing I know ye'er
in a jcolry store buyin' goold watch
an chain, an a dimon shirt stud fr
me. / think not but 1 hope.
81 always hope about Christina time
that I'm goin' to get somethin that
I've always wanted but so far havin'
passed a matther iv sixty Chris masses
I've had little luck liver since l was a
boy an wanted a pony an got a cad
dychism. l have in the cellar as large
a collection iv green neckties, slippers
an book marks as Jake Felsenthal has
on sale. An yet 1 don't mind it. TIL
sufferings I endure firm gettin' pris-
ints is offset be tn pleasure I infict
in givin' thin. I know that on Chris
mas eve yen come in here an I'll
reach undher tn bar an toss out to
We a small box with tn remark:
Here's a little something 1 got f'r
ye.' An yen open it up an pretind
to be overwhelmed with pleasure an
surprise whin We see a yellow cravat
with green stripes. We'll, upon me
wurrud, how did We come to think iv
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1907-12-15

Copyright, 1907, by H. H. Mcclure &
Coz