The Montgomery advertiser., 1907-03-03

tax like a pushcart or COW. On scrupulous villain.
 "Whin ye tax tn bachelors ye tax yalor Whin ye tax tn bachelors ye tax beauty. We've got to admit that we're a much finer lookin' lot iv fell lows thin tn marrid men. That's why we're bachelors. Iris with us as with tn ladies. A lady with an err rattle face IS sure to be marrid befure Dhream iv Beauty. She starts to wurruk right away an what Hogan calls tn doctrine iv av'rages is always with thim that starts early an makes nanny plays. But tn Dhream iv Beau ty figures out that she can wait an take her pick an 'tis not ontil she is bumpin' thirty that she wakes up with q scream to tn piril iv her position an runs out an pulls man down firm tn top iv a bus. Many a plain but de- termined young woman have seen hap oily marrid an doing tn cookin' fir a large family whin her frind who'd had her pitcher in tn contest fir tn most beautiful woman in Brighton Park was settin' behind tn blinds waitin' fir some wan to take her buggy ridin'.
 50 1t is with us. A man with face that looks as if some wan had thrown 1t at him in anger nearly al-
  to vote. His feels he has to an he cultivates what Hogan calls tn graces. How often do ye hear about a fellow that he Is very plain but has beau tiful nature. Ye bet he has. If he hadn't an didn't always keep it in tn show case where all tn wurruld cud see he'd be ly'nched be tn So- ciety fir Municipal Improvement. But tis diff'rent with us comedy bachelors. Bein' very beautiful. we can afford to be naughty an peevish. It makes us more inthrestin'.We kind iv look thim over with a gentle but supeeryor eye an say to ourselves: Now, there's a nice. pretty atthractive girl. I hope she'll marry we'll An whin she mar ries wan iv our frinds we say: Ain't 1t too bad that such fine girl shud throw herself away on a practical joke iY Nature like that. By an by whin tn roses fade firm our cheeks an our eye is dimmed with age we bow to tn inivitable, run down tn flag iv de- fiance, an ar-re yanked into tn multic- hood iv happy an speeches. marrid men that look like flashlight pitchers. Tn best lookin' iv us niver get marrid at all.
 ''Yes, Sir, there's no doubt we do a good deal to beautifv tn landscape Whose pitchers ar-re those ye see in tn advertisements iv tn tailorman !? There's not a marrid man among thim. They're all bachelors. What does tn gents furnishing man hang his finest neckties in tn front window fir but to glisten with livelier wish, as Hogan says, tn furnished bachelor? See tn lordly bachelor comin' down tn sthreet. with his shiny plug hat an his white vest, tn dimon stud that he wint in debt fir glistenin' in his shirt front, an tn patent leather shoes on his feet outshinin tn monday sun
 Thin see tn marrid man with tn wrinkles in his coat an his tie undher his ear an his chin unshaven. He's walkin' in his Congress gaiters in a way that shows his socks ar-re mostly darned. l niver wore a pair iv alarmed sicks since I was boy. Whin I make holes in me hoisery I throw thim away Iris fine idee of tn ladies that mer are unhappy because they have no war to darn their socks an put buttons or their shirts. Tn truth Is that a mar is not unhappy because his socks ar-rt not darned but because they ar-re. An as fir buttons on his shirt, whin tn buttons comes off a bachelors shirt nt fires 1t out iv tn window. Tn surviva iv tn fit, dye mind. Tn others to tn discard. No marrid man dares to wear tn plumage iv a bachelor If he dit his wife wud suspict him. He lets hel buy his cravats an his cigars an 'tis little diffrence it makes to him which he smokes.
 "Twud be villanus to tax tn bachel- ors. Think iv tn moral side iv 1t What's that? Ye needn't grin. I saic moral. Yes, Sir. We're tn most un- selfish people in tn wurruld. All tn throubles iv tn neighborhood ar-re my throubles an my throubles are mt own. If we shed a atear fir amy per son but wan ye lose ye'er latch-kay but havin' no wan in partiklar to sym. pathize with I'm supposed to sympa. thize with ivry wan. On tn contharS if ye have amy griefs ye can't bear yt dump thim on tn overburdened shoul- ders iv ye'er wife. But if I have anny grefs l must bear thim alone. It q bachelor complains iv his troubles peo- pie say: Oh. he's a gay dog. Sarves him right An if he goes on com plainin' he's liable to be in gr-reat per. il 1 wudden't dare to tell me woes ,C ye'er wife, If I did she'd have a good cry, because she injyes cryin, an thin she'd put on her bonnet an r-run over an sick tn widow OBrien on me.
 "Whin lady begins to wondher fl I'm not orhapy in me squalid home without tn touch iv a womans hand ayethir in tn tidy on tn chair or in
 
 live in gr-reat luxury surrounded be all that money can buy an mannN things that it can't or won't There ar-re Turkish rugs on tn fure, an chandyleers hang firm tn ceilins. There set at night dhrinkin absinthe, sher- ry wine, port wine, champagne. beer whisky. rum, claret, kinmel, weiss beer cream de mint curasco an binidictine occaemally takin' a dhraw at an opeen pipe an r-readin' a Err rinch novel. Tn touch iv a womans hand wuddent hell this here abode iv luxury. Wanst whin I was away. tn beautiful SweG' slave that scrubs out me place iv bus mess broke into tn palachaI boodool an Tn thryin to set rtraiEht Tn ll' paintin' iv tn Chicago fire buruin Hi vatur B, broke a piece off frame tha cost me two dollars iv good money If they knew that tn on'y furnitur' in me room was cane bottomed chan