Deseret evening news. [volume] (Great Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1867-1920, 1907-04-20

rushing on where my feeble Intellect
had paused. trenbled and had dared
not TO tread.
To his illumned mind the npplica-
zion of all law is simple He saw az
once that those who eat cocoanuts
are guilty criminals and those who do
not eat them are innocent men un-
justly censured.
Immediately blank reports we're
drawn up In his law department aud
furnished to- the caterers of all prts-
ons, who. ever since. have filled them
out and sent them TO the district at
torney's office daily.
The formula runs as follows: One
cocoanut pie represents "a man with
the inclpient capabilities OF mis-
demeGncr. Two cocoanut pies Indicate
a lawess citizen capable of larceny,
but-three cocoanut pies is indicative
of an unhappy wretch guilty of muir.
der in the hrst degree
Since that moment reform, just and
unNrrlng, has spread her wings over
this blissfui and unsuspecting coun-
Try.
when I had learned all this from
my informant, the caterer, my respect
for the blatant circus horse was as
bOundiess as--I don't know what.
But WIS lost. for I had eaten one
c0eoanut pie
This Is the present method In the
district attorneys office--no moro
sweat box, no third degree no
grand juries or trials. no arrests even
It is no longer question Of dividing
the sheep from the goats or the clean
from the unclean. Does the accused
eat cocoanut pie or notf That is the
question
oh. reporters, who have stood
breathlessly around his desk. peer
ing through the haze of cigarette
smoke at the great man as he slum-
bered, do YOU recall how, when he
awoke and "nnbuttoned his mouth"
he would lay his hand upon his heart
and declare that he had indisputa BILE
evidence against some wrctchAd male
factorT Know, then. that the cater
er's report was on file. that the SUE
pected man had been tempted With
apple rnince and cocoanut, and had
chosen cocoanut.
DO criminals love cocoanuts7 They
affect them to such an extent that
they go after them cocoanuts come
from the south, Where did Valet
Jones go when he was set at liberty
and where did Dodge fec to when he
got the chance:
Monk ysl What are more mis-
chlevous and they love cocoanuts,
and Incidentally for many years most
OF the assistants IN the district atter-
ney's office have been---weil from the
south.
Again, and this cannot possibly be
denied, there Is not one single, soli-
taTy Esqnimo in the Tombs-there
are no cocoanuts in Greeland.
The deduction Is uneTring. II cam
not even be questioned. Does not this
fact alone prove that Ice and cocoa
nuts are incompatible7 Can there be
even the smallest sin OF error in an
NChip1 ma -
possibly bloom for geographical and
horticultural reasons2
This Is the milk In cocoanut,"
and let none gainsay ltl How else
can we account for the conduct Of
the Tin horn ayengcr' regarding the
General Slocum disaster the Park
Avenue hotel fro, the collapse OF the
Hotel Darlington and the Now York
Central tunnel holocaust. 10 say moth
lng OF The insurance robberes OF all
OF which cases he took personal
charger He investigated thoroughly,
bus there WAS no legal proof that tho
directors mr. those responsible had ever
eatnen cocoanut pie.
Having the key to tho situation, am
other mystery ts explained. The blat-
ant circus Morse Swallowed Apple
Mary when she entered the judicial
chambers Of the first department In
her basket reposed fractional parts
OF the succulenr coeos nucfera. Mary
reappeared- The cocOs nucIfera had
heen removed. There could be but
one decision The blatant circus horse
eurvottod Ia tho City club. TO Chau-
tnuqpa. 20 the Delta Phi society. and,
trembling with emotion and 9th cr
things, he declared; Worst OF an Is
an elective judlrury--a thousand
times more terrible than those officers
] have referred TO- was educated TO
be q lawyer and had instilled In me
desire 10 reverence the bench. And
now, gentlemen, I hava no reverence.
i nave not even everyday common re-
speol for the justices NJ tho supreme
court OF the FIRST department."
once more. do men eat c0coanuts
because they are criminals or are
they criminals hecauo they eat cnroa-
NUS Patient inquirsr, you are