Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1907-07-02
MARK TWAIN'S sToGIEs.
The Effect They Produced on the After
Dinner Festivities.

Dinner Festivities.
Ore night at the Hartford Monday
Evening club meeting George. our col
ored butler, came to me when the SUP
Der was nearly over, and noticed that
lie was pale. Normally his complexion
was clear black and very handsome,
but now 1t had modified 10 old amber.
He said:
"AIr. Clemens, what are we going to
do? There is not cigar In the house
but those old Wheeling long mines.
Can't nobody smoke them but you.
They kill at thirty yards. 1t is too
late to telephone-we couldn't get any
cigars out from town--wliat can we
do? Amt il best to say nothing and
let on that we didn't think"
NO" said. that would not be
honest. Fetch out the long nines."
which he did.
had Just come across those "lons
mines" a few days or a week before.
I hadn't seen long nine for years.
When / was !; cub pilot on the Mis-
sissppi in the late fifties | had had
great affection for them, because they
were not Oniy-to my mind-perfect,
but you could get basketful OF them
for n cent-or dime. They didn't use
cents out there in those days. So when
saw them advertised in Hartford |
sent for thousand ut once. They
came out to me IN badly battered and
disreputable looking old square paste
board boxes, 200 In box. George
brought box. which was caved In on
all sides, looking the worst 1t could,
and began to pass them around. The
conversation had been brilliantly AMI
mated up to that moment, but now a
frost fell upon the company-that Is to
say, not all Of sudden, but the frost
fell upon each man as he took up Il
cigar and held it poised In the air-and
there, I'm the middle, his sentence broke
off. That kind Of thing went on all
around the table until when George
had completed his crime the whole
place was full of n thick solemnity and
silence.
Those men began to light the cigars.
Rev. DR.. Parker was the first man to
light. He took three or four heroic
whiffs, then gave 1t up He got up
with the remark that he had to go to
the bedside of a sick parishioner. He
started out. Rev. DR.. Burton was the
next man. He took only one Whit
and followed Parker. He furnished
pretext. and you could see by the
sound of his voice that lie didn't think
much Of the pretext and was vexed
with Parker for getting In ahead with
fictitious ailing client Rev. Mr..
Twichell followed and said he had to
90 now because he must take the mid
night train for Boston. Boston was
the first place that occurred to him.
suppose.
It was only quarter to ii when
they began to distribute pretexts. AT
ten minutes to II all those people were
out Of the house. When nobody was
left but George and me, was cheer
full. had no compunctions OF con-
science, no griefs Of any kind. But
George was beyond speech because he
held the honor and credit Of the family
above his own, and he was ashamed
that this smirch had been put upon 1t.
I told him to go to bed and try to sleep
It off. went to bed myself. At break.
fast in the morning when George was
passing a cup Of coffee saw 1t trem'
be in his hand. knew by that sign
that there was something on his mind.
He brought the cup to me and asked
impressively:
"Ir. Clemens. how far Is 1t from the
frort door to the upper gate"
I said, 1T Is hundred and twenty.
Ave steps"
He said, "Mr Clemens, you can start
at the front door, and you can go
plumb to the upper gate and tread on
one of them cigars every time"
1t wasn't true in detail, but in essen
tials it was.-Mark Twain's Autobiog.
raphy In North American Review.
His Last Retort.
The story Is told Of well known
Chicago criminal lawyer whose valua-
BILE services were retained by the
wealthy relatives Of a man accused of
murder In u southwestern state.
The case was bad one, for the evil
dence was overwhelmingly against the
accused. Despite this fact the lawyer
contrlved by the skillful exercise of
every trick and maneuver known to
the profession to secure the disagree
ment Of juries, delays. appeals, etc..
till at last the case was brought before
the supreme court Of the United States.
One day in an interview between the
prisoner and his counsel the former |
asked, "In case the supreme court
should decide against me. what will
be my next mover
"To heaven, hope" was the candid |
response of the lawyer.-st Louis Re- |