The Logan Republican. [volume] (Logan, Utah) 1902-1924, 1907-09-04
TERWILLIGER WANTS DATA
Weighty Problem Before Chicken
Picking Machine Man.


have received In the past week any
number OF printed notices reading as
follows:
Are YOU interested in anti.fat? II
90. you will learn something to your
advantage by consulting with TER
WILLIGER. PASSPORT"
The wording of this notice has ex.
cited considerable comment There Is
no mincing Of words. no beating
around the bush. Terwilliger of East.
port hit straight out from the shout.
der.
II you are interested In reduction
systems there is only one thing for
you to do. II you're not interested,
Just throw the notice into the waste.
basket. or, II you live at Eastport,
Moriches or Speonk, into the kitchen
stove.
Ever since Terwilliget, PASSPORTS
most constructive citizen. perfected
his chicken picking machine, by means
Of which chicken can be separated
from Its feathers in three minutes at
the outside, all Eastporters have been
wondering what the inventor would
turn his attention to next. 1t seems
perfectly clear, in the light of tN'r
notice and Terwilliger's own rems x.
that he Is going to tackle the weigntv
problem Of avoirdupois.
A Moriches man whose curiosity
long ago overcame his discretion hur.
ried over to Terwilliger's house the
day after the notices first began 10
appear to find out what was up. AS a
pretext he said he was interested in
the subject and had come to consult
the inventor and learn something to
his advantage. Terwilliger gazed on
him with surprise and disapproval.
Now see here, 81 Cornelium," he
exclaimed, II know darn we'll you
didn't get one Of those notices. for 1
sent 'em out myself. Besides. how
can you be interested--you being
thinner than fence rail?
AN don't you suppose I know you
do corresponding for ther New York
papers? You orter be ashamed of
yourself to butt in like this. I won't
stand fer any press-agenting, either.
Well, s'pose since you're here, i
might as we'll explain 1t to you.
you see, it's Jest this way. y
weigh nigh 300 pounds myself, an my
wife weighs 200. When l was a boy
and went to school got tired to death
being told II you don't like so an so,
you can lump It, got so used to tell
EN-: Yes, an can lump the whole
lot Of YOU That usually shut 'em up,
for they knew I could lick 'em with
one fist.
AN ever since then I've been the
butt Of sly Jokes about how when i
go in swimmin' Their tide rises six
inches an all that sorter thing. i
made up my mind wouldn't stand for
1t any longer an as soon as I finished
my chicken picker I'd set out to find
an accurate. scientific way to reduce
superfluous flesh.
mo. haven't done anything about
II yet. I'm Jest amin to consult with
those that are truly interested In the
problem with view to getting first
hand data to work with. Now there's
quite a few feshy people In PASSPORT
and Speonk, though not so many In
Moriches, where they're mostly like
you, thinner than beanpole.
Why. jest let me tell you what hap
pened while was in New York two
weeks ago putting my chicken picker
on Their market. My wife and II
thought we'd like ter see Their sights,
and so we got on one Of those sight
seeing automobiles.
They wasn't a.going to let us ON at
arst, they thought we was too much
OF load. But the chatter says: oh,
let EN- on; put 'em in the back seat
an they'll keep the machine from
skidding when we take the corners
So finally they put US In Their back
seat.
mo sooner had we set down when
there was an explosion like a Calling
gun an my wife nearly tainted. One
of the back tires had burst. Hy-guy,
they was sore. an so was to think
we couldn't take Their trip.
But that wasn't our only dificuIty.
The next day we boarded Twenty.
eighth street car to go across town.
Their darn car was light weight an
the moment my wife an l was square.
ly on the back platform the two front
wheels tilted clear of the track.
1.-THE motorman let out a yell, he
was SO surprised, an a policeman came
running up. He an Their conductor
Insisted we must get off right away,
though told 'em they could drive the
car all right as long as Their two rear
wheels was on Their track. But ther
motorman was superstitious an said.l
he'd be gol darned II he'd drive the car
that way,
80 we got off, was going to pay
our fares and sue the company, but
the conductor refused to take EN-;
said 1t would be shame to take
the money, or something like that
Now you can jest see what prop
osition I'm up against. Why, my
wife hasn't recovered yet from that
trip to New York. It gave her a
shock"
80 you haven't taken any steps to
ward solving the problem?" 81 Cor. |