The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1907-07-21
THE GENTLE CRATER
By o. HENRY.
The Exact Science of Mstrlmony.

Peters. IL never had much confidence in
the RIGHTEOUSNESS of woman. As partners
or coeducators in the most innocent line OF
graft they are not Trustworthy"
They deserve the compliment said 1.
Il think they are entitled TO be called the
honest sex"
why shouldn't they be2" said Jeh.
They've got the other sex either grating
or working overtime for 'em. They're all
right in business until they get their emo
tionE or their hair touched up too much.
Then you want TO have a fiat footed. heavy
breathing man with sandy whiskers, five
kids and a building and loan mortgage
ready as an understudy to take her desk.
Now there was that widow lady that me and
Andy Tucker engaged to help us in that
little matrimonial agency scheme we ffoated
out In Cairo.
when you've got enough advertising
cspital-say a roll az big as the little end Of
a wagon tongue-there's money in matri-
monial agencies. We had about $4,000
and we expected 10 double IL in two months,
which il about as long as a scheme like
ours can be carried on without taking out
a New Jersey charter.
We fixed up an advertisement that read
about like this:
Charming widow. beautiful. home loving.
81 years. possessing 81. 900 cash and owning
valuable country property. would remarry.
Would prefer a poor man with affectionate
disposition to one with means. as she realizes
that the solid virtues are oftenest to he found
In the humble walks OF life. No objection to
elderly man or one OF homely appearance
II faithful and true and competent to manage
property and invest money with Judgment.
Address, with particulars. LONELY,
Care Of Peters a Tucker. agents. Cairo. III.
Sc far. so pernicious.' says 1, when
We had finished the literary connection.
And now. says I. where is the lady?'
Andy gives me one Of his looks Of calm
irritation.
JEFF says he. 4 thought you had lost
them ideas OF realism in your art. Why
stould there be a lady2 When they sell
lot Of watered stock on Wall Street would
you expect to find a mermaid in il? What
has a matrimonial ad got to do with a
LADY,?
-'Now. %listen,' says I. You know my
rule, Andy. that in all my illegitimate
inroads against the legal letter of the law
the article sold must be existent. visible,
producible. In that way and by a careful
study Of city ordinances and train schedules
l nave kept out Of all trouble with the
police that a five dollar bill and a cigar could
not square. Now, to work this scheme
we've got to he able to produce bodily
q charming widow or it's equivalent with
or without the beauty. hereditaments and
appurtenances set forth in the catalogue
and writ Of errors. or hereafter be held by
a justice OF the peace
SWELL says Andy, reconstruing his
mind. maybe 1t would be safer in case the
post office or the peace commission should
-. A. s-.xA.&sr.NA -. apn n,.N -hnr, 3
he says, could you hope to find a widow
who would waste timo on a matrimonial
scheme thai had no matrimony in it?'
Il told Andy that l thought I knew OF
the exact party. An old friend Of mine.
Zeke Trotter. who used TO draw soda water
and teeth in a tent show. had made his
wife q widow a year before by drinking
some dyspepsia cure OF the old doctors
instead OF the liniment that he always got
boosed up on. used to stop at their house
often. and I thought we could get her to
work with us.
TWAS only sixty miles TO the little Town
where she lived, 30 1 jump out on the I. c. and
finds her in the same cottage with the sun
flowers and rooter standing on the washtub.
Mrs. Trotter fitted our ad. first rate except,
maybe, for beauty and age and property
valuation. But she looked feasible and
p~raiseworthy to the eye, and IL was q kind
ness to Zeke's memory to give her the job.
s'Is this an honest deal o are putting
on. Mr.. Peters, she asks me when I tell
her what we want.
.'Mn. Trotter.' says I. Andy Tucker
and me have computed the calculation
that 5000 men In this broad and unfair
country will endeavor to secure your fair
hand and ostensible none and property
through our advertisement. Out Of that
number something like thirty hundred
viii expect to give you in exchange, IL they
should win you, the carcass Of a lazy and
mercenary loafer. q failure in life, a swindler
and contemplate fortune seeker.
IN and Andy. says I, propose to teach
these prayers upon society q lesson. Il was
with diniculty,' says I, that me and Andy
could refrain from forming a corporation
under the title Of the Great Moral and
Millennial Malevolent Matrimonial Agency.
Does that satisfy your
-It does, Mr.. Peters says she. L might
have known you wouldn't have gone into
ANYTHING that wasn't opprobrious. But
what will my duties be? Do I have to reject
personally these 5000 ramscallious you
speak OF, or can I throw them out In
bunohes7
your Job, Mrs. Trotter.' says I. win
be practically a cynosure. You will live
ct q quiet hotel and will ave no work to
do. Andy and I will attend to all the cor
respondence and business end Of 1t.
-'Of course says I, some of the more
ardent and impetuous suitors who can
raise the railroad fare may come to Cairo
TO press personally their suit or whatever
fraction Of a suit they may be wearing.
In that case you will probably be put to
the inconvenience of kicking them out
face to face. We will pay you s25 a week
and hotel expenses
-'Give me five minutes says Mrs.
Trotter. to got my powder rag and leave
the front door key with a ncighbor and you
can lot my salary begin
so ! conveys Mrs. Trotter to Cairo
and establishes her in a family hotel far
enough away from mine and Andy's quar-
tiers TO be unsuspicious and available, and
tell Andy.
Great. says Andy. And now that