The Athena press. [volume] (Athena, Umatilla County, Or.) 18??-1942, 1907-09-20

1t with my eye.-Boston Transcript.
Promise me that you'll never marry
again when I'm dead" "Of that, my
SOUL you may be perfectly sure
Kurger.
"Say, Dick, what is the new fad they
call phonetic spelling?" Its the kind,
Jim, they used to fog you and at
school for using. baltimore Ameri-
can.
what did old Gruff say when you
told him you would like him to find
you an opening in his Officer" HE
showed me the door," - Baltimore
American.
Patient-When you're Ill, doctor, do
you treat yourself? "Ne,I call In one
of my colleagues" "Then can't / call
In one of them-the one that cured
youP-Kurger.
Tommy-Pa, what is the Isthmus of
Panama? Pa-The Isthmus of Pan
anna, Tommy, is a narrow strip Of land
connecting Central America and the
United States reasury.-Ram's Horn.
Mrs. Highbridge-Do you find 1T
more economical to do your own cook
ing? Mrs. Burnham-Much more. 1
find my husband does not eat half SO
much as when we had cook.-Scraps.
Tlmkins-I hate that fellow Plant
EN-. He is always talking shop. Simp-
kms s-Plantem, the undertakerP Timp-
kins-Yes, Every time l meet him he
asks after my health.-Detroit Trib-
une.
Johns done right well up In the
city, after ALL" do tell" Eyes; I've
jes' hearn that he's recovered from one
appendicitis, two ortermobiles, one
heart failure an three business ones"
Atlanta Constitution.
"How much postage will this re-
quire2" asked the young author. 1T
is one Of my manuscripts" 1.-TWO
cents on ounce" answered the post
Office clerk. That's frst-class mat
ter" "Oh, thank you Judge.
Laundryman-I regret to tell you,
sir, that one Of your shirts is lost. Gus
toner-But, here, have just paid you
IL cents for doing 1t up Laundryman
Quite right, sir; we laundered 1t be-
fore we lost it.-Harper's Weekly.
"Things are not as they used to be-
said the man of melancholy remin.s.
cences. NO." answered Mr.. Dustin
Stax regretfully. 'The times was when
great wealth would get man out OF
trouble. Now it gets him into it.
Washington Star.
"Thls is a queer world" sighed Mr.
Splurgit. 'While was wondering
where l was going to get the money to
pay the rent this month, happened in
the kitchen and heard the washerwom-
an say she'd just paid down $1,000 on
a new house."-Detroit Free Press.
What? Troubled with sleep
lessness? Eat something before going
to bed. Patient-Why, doctor, you once
told me never to eat anything before
going to bed. with dignity Pooh,
pooh That was last January. Science
has made enormous strides since then.
-Ex.
You'd make a pretty good clerk"
said the employer, sarcastically, "if
you only had little more common
sense" "Indeed!" replied the clerk.
But did 1t ever occur to yea that IL
had little more common sense l
wouldn't be a clerk at all?"-London
Tlt-Bits.
Housekeeper-I hear your brother,
who died in California, left you $1,000,
Dinah. That will be great help to
you. Washlady-Deedy it will, missis !!
Abs been needin' a pianner an pho
nograft an a oil palntln' OBJ mahsalf In
gilt frame fo' yeahs, an now, bress
de good Lord, All kin hab~ 'em Puck.
Lawyer examining witness) DO
you know the man who formerly owned
this gun? Winess-Yes, sir. Lawyer
lis he in the courtroom? Witness
No, sir. Lawyer-Where Is he? Wit
ness-I don't know. Lawyer-When
and where did you see him last2 Wit
ness-Six months ago--at his funeral.
Chicago News
"Well," said he, anxious to patch up
their quarrel of yesterday, "aren't you
curious to know what's In this pack
age" mot very" replied the still
belligerent wife, indifferently. well,
It's something for the one / love best
in all the world" "Ah l suppose It's
those suspenders you said you needed"
The Catholic Standard and Times.
The big touring car had just whizzed
by with roar like a gigantic rocket,
and Pat and Mike turned to watch 1t
disappear In a cloud of dust "Thim
chug wagons must cost a hape ay
cash." said Mike. "The rich is fairly
burnin' money! AN be the smell aY
It," shifted Pat, sit must be thot taint-
ed money we do be hearin' SO much
aboot. t."--Success Magazine.
Where They Come In.
"I see that the worlds population Is
estimated at 1880, 100000 persons. Is