The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-07-28
BY ". BATES ADAMS


1 on yez an IF tache yez ter insoolt tn
 ladies! I'll break tn back of yez I'll ate yez aloive! Arrah, but yez kin run!"
 David certainly could run and cleav-
 ing the air like a knife blade he soon
 distanced his pursuers and escaped
 scathless save for four long scratches
 on his cheek, presented him by Mile
 d'Zelle, who, when he made his unfor- | tunate call had stood near the flap of the tent
 But his reputation The story of his
 wrongdoing and ignominious flight spread
 like wildfre, and for few hours he
 was man without a friend. Then his good angel came to the rescue. The imp
 of Satan who had compassed his down
 fall couldn't keep such a big secret to | himself, and he told one of the tent
 men who told the Terrible Turkish Titan,
 who did the clown. and the clown told
 1t all at the evening performance. Ex-
 oneration plus humiliation.
 | Deprived of the benefit of the fat ladys | experience, David turned elsewhere for
 advice. The clerk in the drug store was
 an old and tried friend and to him he 1 went first of all.
 "Jim," he said jest between you an me, whats tn most fattenin' thing yer know of?'
 l 'T reckon" answered Jim, "that cod
 liver oil is ther most fattenin' thing they say 90 per cent of it'stick ter yer ribs ] Put me up CT gallon fer CT starter"
 said David
 For week the village knew not David, 1 and when he did come In he looked pale
 and dejected and he went directly to the 1 drug store.
 1 "Jim," said he, "mebbe that cod liver
 oil sticks ter tn ribs all right, but don't
 stick to tn Htummick none ter speak of | it's too durned ambitious-seems sorter 1 boun ter rise. Yer hain't got nothin l !, frsF vs,t t,, the store, hey yer? I guess I'll hev ter I give this up."
 l 'No," said Jim, that's tn best I can don for yer"
 l David next turned to advertised fat | teners He ate digested. predigested and | undgested foods of more than fifty-seven varieties, but to little effect Ten months l of his probation passed with a net gain | of but seven pounds Tillie seemed l great way off.
 l Finally, he opened correspondence with l a Mr. McDuff, manufacturer of Pure 1 Malt whiskey, and that gentleman re- | sponded with a bushel or so of testimon-
 ials, one of which proved irresistible; the l writer by using McDuff's P. M. w. af-
 ter an attack of typhoid fever. had | gained sixty pounds.
 That's good enough for me-, said David. "I haint got no typhoid fever,
 but 1t orter be easy ernough ter git If
 I hev to hey it.
 l Now David was one of the beacon lights 1 in the Sons of Temperance and on this l account he thought 1t best to take no one | Into his confidence concerning this par 1 ticular course of treatment, which was unfortunate as MT. McDuffs label gave no suggestion as to dose or interval, and
 he had to work the problem out for him.
 self.
 l He began by taking tablespoonful l ba,, md tho bIr1d doxr ha
 tured to double the quantity. On the l fifth day he cut the time down a little l and the eighth day he double the | dose again. He was now taking four 1 tablespoonfuls every half hour, and to- | ward noon he began to notice things. At
 3 o'clock he decided to drive to the vil- | lage for carpenter, as the doors and
 windows and even the house itself was | getting badly out of plumb. Before he | had driven a mile, however, this er rand was forgotten and a more brilliant 1 idea had taken full possession of him; | he was going to town to eat Abijah Long -eat him that he might become fat and l marry Tillie. It was a glorious mission
 and he proclaimed 1t to Jerry and the | trees by the roadside as he went along 1 It was mall time and every one was at l the store when David burst upon the vll- 1 lage. Jerry, his bridle hung rakishly over
 one ear and the reins dragging in the dust. l , stopped, and David, whose blood-curdling
 yells had drawn every one to the spot. l stumbled from the wagon and with | whoo that made his previous efforts sound
 merely conversational, staggered up the steps and made for Abijah Long, who, l attracted by the commotion, had left the
 cracker barreel to care for itself for the l moment, and had hobbled to the front of l the store
 1 "Im CT goin' ter eat himi Wow Eat
 Bi-Bue Long! Eat him erlive Eat him whole Wow'
 Abijah promptly advanced to the rear, 1 but fate was against him-fate in the
 guise of Joe Binns dog and a basket | of eggs. He tripped over the dog, sat l down in the basket of eggs and David l was upon him. For a few moments l David Abijah, Binn's dog and incidental | ly the eggs, indulged in a grand mix 1 up, but finally Constable Ed Smith in- | terposed the arm of the law and, getting 1 a good grip on David, lifted him out
 of the butter. Even McDuff's P. M. w. could not sustain David at this junc- | ture; he collapsed abjectly and was toted | unresisting to the lock-up. The following morning when Divid was l brought before Squire Higgins, every able | bodied citizen was at the town hall. The | constable charged him with being drunk
 and disturbing the peace and David | pleaded guilty and paid the fine. Then | Lawyer Briggs, in behalf of Ahi1ah Long. l put in claim for damages done his cli- | ents coat and feelings and David handed l out Sic more Then appeared Johnny 1 Caseys wife with a claim of 8 for the l damage done six dozen eggs and bask- | ct and David paid that also. But when l Joe Binns put in a claim of s1 for dam | ages done his dog the worm turned Squire Higgens,' roared David. ''ef | this yere commonwealth wants s10 for | havin' its peace disturbed an that's law I haint got nothin' to say ergin 1t. Ef 1 Bic Long's g duster an his two-cent | feelin's hurt s10 wurth by me, I'm will | in ter pay that-its wuth s10 ter see
 an ole he-hen like him set on six dozen
 eggs. An I'm likewise willin' ter pay | Johnny Caseys wife s30 fer her $1.50 wuht | CT eggs an basket, fer I don't dispute l no woman. but when Joe Binns rekons I ter git CT dollar eout CT me fer damages l ter CT ffty-cent flea farm, he's mistook. | I'll carry 1t clean ter tn S'preme court | afore I'll pay CT cent Bic Long kicked | tn dog an Johnny Casey's wife's hens 1 eggs mussed him up-let them pay tn l damage"
 | After some discussion Blnns' case was | thrown out of court
 | David went sadly home. but the village