The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1907-10-13
VISITOR,
How Nlcodemus Jones Was m
troduced by Brother Gardner.
He SPEAKS ON HAPPINESS.


Linekiln club Brother Gardner, presi.
dent, rose In his place after the regu.
lar business had been disposed Of and
said:
II hev to announce dat dc Hon. Nico.
demus Jones OF Souf Caroliny am In
do red auntyroom and waitin' to de.
liber an address befo' dis club. De
title Of do address am What Am Hap.
pinessY I don't know what sort OF an
orator he am, but as he has walked
900 miles to address us shall Glib him
dc chance. He has been a guest in my
house fur de last three days, and kin
say dat bis appetite am sunthin' dat a
hoss orter lie proud Of. Some great
men am satisfied wit tea and toast,
while odders want con beef and taters
ebery meal. Doorin' de delibery of de
address I want respectful silence. I
don't want no taters or turnips frown
around de hall. II Elder Toots falls
asleep and wakes up wild yell or
Samuel Shin takes advantage Of de
occasion to kick Waydown Bebee In
dc sbins dey will hear from me In a
way to make DER hearts ache. De
reception committee will now bring de
Hon. Nicodemus In"
The visitor was escorted In and In.
troduced In ceremonious fashion. There
was general gasp Of astonishment at
bis appearance. He was considerably
over SIX feet tall. while he didn't look
much thicker than clothes prop.
There was an ancient look about him
to remind one Of the pyramids OF
Egypt, and amy keeper Of a restau-
rant would have bet ten to one that he
had the hunger Of FIVE men. As he
bowed and surveyed his audience the
impression made was not exactly IA
vorable. II seemed as II nature had
created that long, thin, lank form to
crawl through knot holes into hen
coops.
He Speaks.
my frens," began the Hon. Nicode.
mus, with sudden flop Of his arms
as II be wanted to fly far away, II am
wild you tonight to discuss de subjick
Of happiness. It's subjick dat con
sarns dc high and de low, de rich
and de pore. We am all strivin' fur It,
but thousands of us am discouraged
bekase we think we don't find II. We
begin, eben as chill'en, to believe dat II
takes money to be happy, and de older
we grow de mo- we believe In dat the
ory. Right dar am whar we make de
great mistake of our lives and 90 of
on de wrong road"
Here the orator paused for his words
to sink two feet deep into the minds Of
his hearers, and then with a jump side
ways and back, as II to escape the
teeth Of dog, he resumed:
''In great big house not mile from
yere sits millionyaire, Oar am rugs
on de fiooh; dar am paintin's on de
wall; dar am sarvants to wait on him;
be has got bar'l O. money In de bank;
he has no motheT-in-law; he don't have
to put up or take down stoves. He
has but to ring bell and pair of
sorrel hosses and landoo will come
prancin' around to ride him out Let
him ring anodder bell and nigger
loaded down wild champagne and quail
on toast will appear. A third bell, and
seben state senators will enter by de
back doah and offer to beat or pass
any bill he may name and not charge
him cent.
''Dats de picture, my frens, and you
have only to shet your eyes to call #
up befo you. Seems to you dat man
orter be jist shoutin' wild happiness,
but am dat de case? Fur, fur from II.
On de contrary, he am wishin' he was
dead. Whyf Kase his son In college
has made fule O. hisself and am to
be suspended. Kase one O. dem sorrel
hosses am sick and likely to die. Kase
his youngest child has got de Group
and may not lib till mawnin'! Kase
he's baldheaded anO got hay fever,
Kase de plumber and de ice man have
robbed him. I could gin you forty mo-
kases, but desc am sufficient. Dar am
. cart load OF de long green dar, but
40 happiness"
The orator paused to get drink Of
water and kick his legs out TO timber
them up and then continued:
sTemme present anodder picture %
you. A mile away am de cabin Of
suird man. He's blind in de right eye
and lame In dc left leg. Dar am no
rugs oa de foah nor pictures on de
walls. He might ring fo'ty bells, and
no hosses would come prancin'. He
might yell till he was hoarse, and he
wouldn't git no quail on toast. He
hasn't got cent In de bank, and de-
frost has killed his garden Off. But he
sits right dar In his shirt sleeves, wild
a bewtiful smile on his face. He grins
He chuckles. He laughs, Why haint
he moanin' and sheddln' tears and say
In dis old world holds no happiness
fur himS Why hain't he out settin' fire
to some rich mans barn or ha,nstring.
In a cow belongin' to a millionyaire!
Why dat blandness and conteatments
The Mystery Solved.
II will tell you why. Watch him. He
rises up. He walks ober to de ieebor.
He reaches In and lifts and grunts
and tugs, and, 10, twenty pound wa.