Willmar tribune., 1907-11-27
By
JOHN KENDRICK BANGS

JOHN KENDR1CK BANGs T.
Copyright, by Joseph B. Bowles)
THE MAID ON THE DOLLAR.
TIE sEheTEp EeTE AM2sqSTSz M SSa SR sH GAPHSs As a1s
MODEL FOR THE FTGURE ON
THE NEW !XSiG GqLR z, COINS
The girl on the coin is an Irish lass
How happy it's that that should be,
For of all the fair maids in beauty's class
There is none that's more coy than
Like the dollar!
She f1irts with her eyes, and the smiles
Like the Sunshine across her lip.
viii set every throb in your veins astray
AS she gaily gives you the slip
Like the dollar.
The Irish girls heart is Of purest gold.
1t shares its joys with the man that Ia
Who dares to go forth and to do
Like the dollar!
'Tis sound as trivet and kind likewise,
And happiness brings in it's train,.
And he who questions It's value denies
The truth of a fact that is plain
Like the dollar!
She's hard to win, and she's harder to
For those who are careless of work.
She'll toll for you always awake, asleep,
She'll leave you the minute you shirk-
Like the dollar!
But IL in youth you are careful and
true,
And guard her and hold her from
In age she'll prove protector to you
And cheer you with loving caress-
Like the dollar!
We know man who is so fncor-
rightly small and mean a molly-coddle
that even his friends refer to him as
a CONDENSED milksop."
"The hard question with me-" said
the vexed father of a family the other
day, "is not how to bring my children
up. The main point is how in thunder
can keep 'em down."
If we cannot sell the Philippines
why not raffle them off? Well take
chance at so cents, and If we win
them we promise to present the
islands to Andrew Carnegie to help
him reduce the fatty degeneration
from which his pocketbook is still said
to be suffering
EYES," said little William Make
peace Drivel, the talented author of
"The Painting Strawberry" "I come OF
literary family. Both my parents
were distinguished authors
"Really?" said Mr.. Dubbs, the critic.
II was not aware of that. What were
they the authors of"
"Me," said William Makepeace
Drivel with a smoker.
"Ah," said Dubbs, with a courteous
bow, "a very successful parody"
A keen observer of the ways of the
unspeakable Turk states that he is
the very antipodes of the monster he
Is popularity supposed to he, and in the
practice of the domestic virtues is not
excelled by the vast majority of his
western critics As to the latter there
can hardly be any doubt that he is in
deed the superior of most of u.s. Your
occidental finds it very difficult to be
faithful to one woman, but your Turk
makes no bones about being true to
20 and sometimes 30, and all at the
same time, too.
Bernard Shaw's latest advertising
dodge is to come out in favor of polyg-
amy Whether he will practice what
ne breaches should be interesting to
the police, and yet after all would not
polygamy do much toward solving the
present very complicated so-called do
nestle problem? We are all of US
having trouble in getting cooks, laun-
dresses, housemaids and whatnot who
will consent to grace our homes for
any appreciable space Of time, entirely
Irrespective of the question of wages.
Now, If by system Of polygamy a
man might marry his cook, his laun-
dress, his waitress and all the other
lady help Of his household at the same
time, so that If they refused to stay
over two weeks, or positively declined
to go to the country, he could sue
them for divorce on the charge of
abandonment and get alimony, would
not the situation clear up materially
For ourselves we are quite satisfied
with present conditions, especially
when the milliner's bills come in, but
we must admit that If the laws were
SO amended that man could have
highly specialized wives for highly
specialized duties it might materially
mitigate the suherings of others not so
fortunate in the matrimonial grab-bag
as we have been. It Is undeniable that
a man who had a variety of. wives,
one to do his cooking, one to launder,
one to sweep, one to play the pianola
and sing waiting at the Church.
when he felt the need of sweet music,
one to stenog, one to darn his socks
and keep his buttons where they
would do the most good, one to talk
1bsen, Shaw and Maeterlinck to him in
the silent watches Of the night, and one
who was always ready to have q good
time in any old way that turned up,
would have precious little excuse for
being detained downtown on business
or any use for club. It might prove
a bankrupt.ng venture, but we never
tneless hope Mr.. Shaw will sacrifice
< himself for the benefit Of his fellow
men for whose moral welfare he is al
ways so solicitous and try q few ex-