davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1907-04-21

/ land so would you II you had been
tainted millionaire the way / was and
had had the experience l have had with
money that was soiled in spots and get
ting too strong to keep. If you had you
wouldn't want to take any chances of
getting any more of It, from John d. or
from Peter Wimble or from any one else
You wouldn't want to trade a copy of
Jarby's 'Encyclopa edia of knowledge and
Compendium of Literature Science and
Art book that the best people are glad
to get, for a lot~of money that you
couldn't get rid of even II you fumigat-
ed 1t first"
"But General Booth says that the use
to which tainted money is put, If 1t is a
good use, removes the faint" suggested
Mr.. Parsley. whose salary was often IN
arrears.
so 1 take notice., said Eliph' Hew-
litt, land If a beefsteak gets too ripe l
suppose 1t makes it fresh again If you
make present of 1t to widow with six
children. l suppose If the widow had
fourteen children 1t would make the beef
steak so fresh she would have to hang it
up a day two until 1t got fit to eat"
But some very worthy institutions ac-
cept money from-from men like Peter
Wimble,' said the minister. They ac-
cept it gladly"
''They grab for 1t and boiler for more"
W
don't come right away they get in line
and coax for 1t. All money looks alike
TO them and tastes alike. Every one of
them has same kind of an education
plant or other, and they make fertilizer
of the strong smelling cash and spread
1t on the roots of their education plant,
and don't care whether the money was
tainted or sainted, so long as the plant
grows l wish there had been some OF
the same kind Of willing accepters when
l was crowded to earth with my load of
musty money. 1 would be younger man
today"
you seem to have got rid of It," said
the minister, with Just the slightest, and
not unkindly, accept on the SEEM"
Yes, SIR" said Eliph' Hewitt; Il got
rid of 1t. | built an oil factory and put
all my soiled money into 1t. Any time
you have any tainted millions and don't
know how to get rid of them, do that.
Put your money into an oil factory and 1T
will not trouble you very long. John d.
will have the money and the factory and
the taint and the whole thing before you
know the roof Is on, and before you
know he has 1t he will have passed 1t
along to some education plant and will
have his name in the paper But it was
long time before / thought of that. L
was an amateur giver in those days. L
hadn't learned about the proper channel.
had just graduated from the pirate
business
1.-THE pirate business?" inquired the
minister
'1t was a good business, too" said
Eliph' Hewitt. Lots of money in 1t,
and I run 1t on strictly moral lines, never
thinking that folks would say it was a
bad business like being a trust or rail-
road king. I had prayers regular every
day, and gave receipts in full for all the
money l took away from people and
allowed them 2 per cent off for cash.
hadn't no more idea my money was
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1907-04-21

tainted than q child has. It an come to
me in the regular pirate way just as the
best pirates had got theirs for centuries
before. 1t was tho highest class steal
ing that was on record and all done 40
cording to the best authorities, and yet
when l got so much money was both
cred to take care of 1t and wanted to
get rid of what was a nuisance and set
up as O. philanthropist and get my name
in the papers, and associate with pro-
fessors and such; they turned on me and
said the money was tainted"
You might have founded q home for
disabled pirates" said Mr.. Parsley.
IT done It," said Eliph' Hewitt. but
the trouble Is that each pirate thinks he
IL tho only honest one and that ell the
others Is thieves, and nobody would come
to live in the pirates home that l start
ed. didn't have no trouble in starting
things, but tho trouble was to mako
them expensive after they was started.
When a man has money in heaps, like
me and John D., 1t takes lot of getting
rid of it to just keep the surplus down,
and 1t don't do no good to give 1t away
in small lots. While a man Is looking
around for a place to get rid of one hun
dred Thousand tainted dollars seven or
eight hundred thousand other tainted dol
lars are piling up on HIM l seen that
what I would have to do was to give
away by the million, and I set out to
do it. I set at my desk all day writing
out million dollar checks and sending
them to college presidents, and tho next
day the mail man would como In and
dump a bushoi basket Of letters on my
desk and every letter was from col
lege president sending back my checks,
with tainted wrote across tho face. l
that had met at a dinner, and l used
to say: Please, please take forty-eight
millions and I'll be your Dutch uncle for
life' and he would sigh and sniff his nose
at the money and say: No, Elph' Hew-
HIT. need the money, but l can't take
It, My college is wearing Ats last years
suit and its shoes are worn out, but my
conscience won't let me take tainted
money.
1T went on that way" continued Eliph
Hewitt, It'll got SO that 1 was ashamed
to look a college president in the face
and they got so that whenever they saw
me coming they knew l had a check for
thirty-two or one hundred millions in my
hand ready to stick in their pockets when
they were not looking, and they would
dodge around the corner or up alley.
And / was only one Of a hundred poor
money tired millionaires that was carry
ing around tainted millions on a plate
trying to get rid OF them. My wife used
to cay to me: Eliph. why don't you give
away some millions today? You just sit
here by the fire smoking your pipe. Why
don't you brace UP and go out and hunt
up place where you can get rid Of some
money? Surely there is some charity
somewhere that will take a few millions
II you put on your good clothes and tell
the boss how the whole family is suffer-
ing Then / would go out and try.
would walk the streets all day looking
for a willing taker, and at night would
go home, and there would be my wife,
standing in the door with a smile on her
] face and hope In her heart. and / could
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1907-04-21

well, where?" asked Bob, doubtfully
I'm the ribs, you fool He can kick like
steer, so you had better avoid close
range. But, really, we will be late If he
doesn't get up. Just wait second, and
I'll get at the soles of his feet
Uncle Pete turned lazily rubbed his
eyes, and in a drawing voice said to
Lathrop:
Good morning, sir. II you happen to
see anything of burned fool named Jack
Thomas, just tell him that Uncle Pete S
temper amt over sunshiny on a empty
stomach, an this mornin' in particular,
an that ten minutes after there's any ia
miliarty with my Stats Jack will be in
splints.'
"Oh, well, Uncle Pete, II you're awake
it's all right" said Jack cheerily. Here's
Lathrop come to escort us to the lunch,
and you still in bed
He indicated Lathrop with a nod, and
Uncle Pete bowed.
Good morning." said Uncle Pete again.
and then with q smile added: do you
know, young fellow, when l first opened
my lamps an seed you so dressed up an
fancy lookin', l thought I must still be
asleep an dreamin' bout them putty pic
lures on soap boxes, an then, too, you
loked sorter startled, kinder skeered-to-
death an 'fraid-to-run-like, but it's all
right, sonny. cause Uncle Pete wouldn't
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1907-04-21

.o.o.o--o.o-o.o.o.o.c.o.o.o.o.o.

the wonderful value of this book to all
who seek to be abreast of the knowledge
of the day, and he paid down 81 of clean
money for It, But your money / cannot
accept, for 1t Is tainted II pains me. Mr.
Wimble, / will say. to deprive you OF
the solace and pleasure to be derived from
the pages of this book ana to deprive
your wife -
The little book agent paused and a light
seemed to dawn on his face.
Mr.. Parsley" he said, II need not de-
prive Mr.. Wmble of tho benefits Of this
book. need not shut him out from
contact with the priceless gems of wit
and wisdom 1t contains. need not pre-
vent him from finding in its pages the
lessons that will make another man Of
him. His money / may not take. Mr.
Parsley, but with your name at the head
of my list, and with letter of intro
duction from you TO Mrs. Wimble, I may
yet rejoice in putting upon his parlor
table this book. with the beautiful and
uplifting sentiments It contains. Hts
money my conscience forbids me to take,
but Mrs. wimble's money is not tainted
l will not refuse to sell her a copy, either
bound IN cloth at IS. or in half Morocco
at $3.50 Here is the place you sign your
name, Mr.. Parsley. can take your dollar
now or when the volume is delivered to
you"
Mr.. Parsley hesitated.
"Of COURSE" he said, IT feel that I have
honestly earned all the money 1 receive,
but how II was earned before II was put
In the contribution box cannot say. II
you have any doubt as to how It origi-
mated perhaps you would not want me
to buy
Eliph' Hewitt reached for the dollar
that the minister held In his hand He
took It and folded 1t and put it in his
vest pocket
FOR your sake, Mr.. Parsley" he said,
II will take the risk"
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1907-04-21
Copyright 1907, by Ellis Parker
Butler

n ETTR w1M1LE was the richest
- man in Hartsock, and some said he
L was the richest man in Iowa. but
for all that he was a simple man, with
a large foot, and one minute after Eliph
Hewitt entered Peter Wimble's office
with a sample copy of Jarby's "Encyclo-
paedia of knowledge and Compendium Of
Literature Science and Art under his
arm the door opened and Eliph' Hewitt
stepped out hurriedly. The richest man
In Hatsock did not wish to buy copy
of the greatest book on earth. He had
said 20. He had said 1t with his mouth
and with his hands. and when he began
to say It with his foot Eliph' Hewitt
came away.
Tho little book agent stood minute on
the walk before tho office and looked up
and down Main street doubtfully. Then
he coughed gentle apology for Mr..
wirnbIe, smoothed his sandy side whis-
kers. tucked his oilcloth covered parcel
firmly under his left arm and stepped
briskly away. If you cannot get the
richest man In town to head your list
of subscribers the rule Of the game Is to
get the minister's name. AS rule. too,
1t IL safer to call on the minister.
at think" said the minister softly,
when Eliph' Hewitt had opened the con-
yersation, IT think II you called on Peter
wtmble-. He Is our richest man, and
his name at tho head of your list would
be more influential than mine. My sal
airy Is 90 small, and he has such great
wealth"
Peter Wimble, did you say tho name
was?" asked Eliph' Hewitt. "Wimble,
the millionaire? Amt his wealth tainted?
l can't let myself take money from any
of these millionaires that have the faint
ed kind of wealth, Mr.. Parsley know
YOU mean we'll by recommending me TO
him. and l know he would be eager and
anxious to buy a copy of this book, but,
/ ask is his wealth tanned? And say,
II 1t is it can't buy copy of this book,
not at no price. Not If he was John ID.
himself, and was to oner me milNohs
for it."
The minister hesitated and Eliph' Hew-
lit smiled and shook his head.
mo. SIR" he said, 'if he was John ID.
and had all John DIS money he couldn't
buy it, and l wouldn't ask him to. 1t
wouldn't be for sale to him. If he was to
come to me on his knees and say, 'Eliph'
Hewitt here is $3.50, 100000 1 intended to
give away, but 1 ask you to take IT and
sell me one copy of that book, without
which no man can be sure he has all the
knowledge in the world in one volume
and which / consider cheap at the price
YOU offer l would speak to him kindly,
but would say, No. no, John D., to you
/ will not sell 1t. Tainted your money
may be, or tainted 1t may not be, but
Eliph' Hewitt takes no chances. Go and
get rid Of your soiled millions some other
way That is what would say 10
him. Mr.. Parsley"
"ys. sir" admitted Eliph' Hewitt.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1907-04-21

mot go?" exclaimed both young men
in disappointed tones; "why?'
well, I reckon I'd just as we'll tell you
the truth now, right straight out from
the shoulder, and be done with it, said
Uncle Pete.
Uncle Petes explanation had hardly be-
gun, when Bob interrupted him in amazed
tones:
There is a mistake somewhere" said
he. You hurt my aunt? Why, last
evening, long after you disappeared, she
was as lively as a sand boy after bath;
somebody did give her a fright I believe,
but In the crowd of guests we couldn't
locate him. So, no matter how guilty
you may be in reality, Aunty doesn't sns-
pect you in any way"
ooh, cheer up, Uncle Pete" said Jack,
encouragingly. Don't you know no mil
lion-heir ever makes an unforgiveable
faux pas'-er, l mean, mistaken"
Eyes, forget it," said Bob. EVERY
thing is all right, and you must not even
think you did any damage"
Think, young fellow" said Uncle Pete.
stubbornly. II don't think, / know; an
might be a fool. but l amt no damn
fool, an the way 1 took a header through
your aunt's parlor and shot through
that human jungle warn't no Joke. She'd
just been tellin' me that her boy-thats
you, l reckon-was comm homo from
The Jeffersonian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1907-1917, 1907-12-05
wArsoNs WEEKLY JEFFERsoN1AN.

cells over l ID. and up to lbs, Sc;
parcels over 2 lbs. and up to lbs,
Sc; parcels over 4 lbs. and up to IL
lbs, Sc; parcels over IL lbs. and up
to 80 lbs. (half bushe), 1Oc; parcels
over 30 lbs. and up to so lbs. (bush-
ely, 15c; parcels over 60 lbs. and up
to 100 lbs. (half barely, Zoe; parcels
over 100 lbs. and up to 200 lbs. (bar-
rely, 25c.
No package over 200 pounds or ov-
er four feet long carried. It is cas-
lily seen what benefit such a law
would be to the country merchants
IN every town and hamlet in America,
while it would save many millions
Of dollars in time and money to the
people.
Dublin, Ga. j. B. CRESWELL.
The Jeffersonian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1907-1917, 1907-12-05
THE pops" AND OTHERS.

[ fought the Peoples Party in 1892
only because / feared to split the
white vote, but then and since, have
had many quiet laugh at some, OF
so-called, Democratic papers who
Knocked at their sub-treasury scheme
as undemocratic. They called il
"Paternalism" and everything elsr
like the ignoramuses they were al
are.
During the administration of an
drew Jackson the U. S. banks til
had been using the government md
ey as they are today deliberaY
brought on panic to brighten
voters and make them repudiate III
son. But, having large surpluA
the treasury, the result Of calling
the deposits, he wisely deposited
at various places and loaned
to the farmers and business men
small interest and brought 81
what history calls an era of
times, and to this day no one has
cused Andrew Jackson Of being
Populite except Tom Watson. D
up, you little editors, and
things. Send me a dollar, get
Advocate, the best educator ina
state, and read it.-MiscissippH
ion Advocate,
The Jeffersonian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1907-1917, 1907-12-05

this intellectually important subject,
50 that, when the rapidly approach
ing financial tornado arrives, the
people will be prepared to substitute
a really "safe and sound" system
for the present unsafe and unsound
one.
II. The constitutional authority
given congress to "coin money and
regulate the value thereof is equiv
alent to a command. AS the only
way to regulate the value of money is
to keep it's volume as nearly as pos
sible exactly equal to the market
demand, this language requires con-
gress to see to it that the supply is
always abundant, and to prevent any
man or set Of men from usurping this
prerogative. And it is a grave Of
Tense against humanity for congress
men to fail to discharge this the most
important of all Of their duties.
II. Fortunately, although the fast
crystallizing money trust is the most
powerful and dangerous division Of
the plutocracy, it is much the easiest
to overthrow-for, with a rational
monetary system, every we'll managed
bank that might wish to wind up it's
affairs, could do so without the loss
of a dollar Of its capital, or the i'm
posing Of tax on the people or the,
issuance Of bond by the govern
ment.
The foregoing and other facts
make it clear that, instead of stin
further increasing the privileges and
powers Of great bankers, the govern
ment should increasingly supply the
people with a sufficient quantity Of
some kind Of real money; and that
it should also compel the banks to
do safer business-by requiring
them to gradually increase their cash
reserves to at least Is per cent of
their deposits. Each step in these
directions must make every kind Of
legitimate business safer and more
profitable, and decrease the likeli-
hood Of business depression and fnan-
cial panics.
At present the Real Money League
Of Shawnee county will be an "orss
ganizing" as we'll as local league. In
quiries about the league may be ad-
dressed to Albert Griffin, President.
The Jeffersonian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1907-1917, 1907-12-05
THE ADDRESS OF THE REAL
MONEY LEAGUE.


The system Of "banking on de-
posts" enables bankers to use the
real money in their possession as
basis for creating from three to fif-
ty times as much absolutely fictitious
money.
The unjust privilege of doing this
gives to promoters and other fren-
zied fnanciers the most Of their
crushing power.
And the alternate expansion and
contraction of it's volume causes the
money market to fuctuate frequent
ly, and often violently.
Bankers themselves now admit
that it is impossible to frame laws
that will make banking on deposits,
for private gain, entirely safe, when
the managers Of banks are incompe-
tent Or dishonest. And it is also i'm
possible to keep such men out of such
business.
Moreover, as serious as is the loss
to depositors Of large amounts Of
money by the failure of banks, 9th
er evil results of the system are a
hundred times greater.
That deposit banks do much good
is freely admitted; but a system can
and ought to-be devised that will
do great deal more good, with none
of it's baneful results.
Emphasis is laid on the following
fundamental propositions:
l. Civilization and progress are
impossible without money.
2. The only essential function of
money is to serve as "the medium Of
exchange; and the quantitative
theory" can not be sustained unless
everything that does the work of
money, and does nothing else, is rec
ognized as part Of the "volume of
money" This means that the more
than $7,OOO,OOO,OOO of the purely fc-
titious money which bankers "lend"
and borrowers" pay for; and which
has exactly the same effect on val
ues and business that real money has;
and which the courts recognize as
money, should be added to-, and in
cluded in, the 'Egeneral stock of
money" reported by the treasury de-
partment.
g. The Chest. money" is that the
exchange value Of which varies the
least-and the constant effort should
be to increa the quantity of the
best until there is enough of it, and
to decrease that of the poorer kinds
until only the best remains.
4. Whenever there is enough mon
ey in actual use to enable all the peo-
pie to exchange their products, the
demand for services necessarily
equals the supply, and no wage earn
er is compelled to accept unfair
The Jeffersonian. [volume] (Atlanta, Ga.) 1907-1917, 1907-12-05

% w ACuOVOI WIG VOAuAAO Va AAOA-
ey increases faster than that Of prod
ucts and services, values and prices
tend upward, the demand for services
grows, and all kinds of business i'm
prove. But, when the increase in the
quantity Of money does not keep up
with the ever enlarging demand for
it, values and prices tend downward,
the demand for services decreases,
and business is proportionately de-
pressed. These are undeniable his
toric facts.
6. No person, or nation, can pro-
duce as much as he, OR it, desires to
consume; and therefore, aggregate
over-production is impossible. But,
as the ability of the people to pro-
duce is greater each day than it ever
was before, more, money is required
every day to effect the needed ex-
changes, and, therefore, contracting
it's aggregate volume must always do
harm-and should never be permit
ted.
7. There never was a commercial
panic until after the deposit banking
system had become firmly established.
These economic earthquakes are still
unknown in all counties that have no
banks of deposit; and they are most
frequent and calamitous where the
largest proportion Of the business is
done through them. In fact, the re-
lation of deposit banking to CONNER
cial panics and long periods of bust
ness depression is that of cause and
effect. ~
8. The reason is that from rs to
SO per cent Of the money Cleaned"
by these institutions (and upon which
they annually collect hundreds of mil
lions Of dollars Of INTEREST," is unde-
niably fctitious-can be neither seen
nor handled.
And, because it is fictitious, their
managers are often compelled to
suddenly contract its volume.
And contracting it's volume has ex-
actly the same effect on business and
values as has the destruction of an
equal proportion Of the real money
in use.
Moreover, this system enables
bankers (by such contradictory, to de-
press business, and even to precipi-
tate panics, almost at willard this
power is often used.
9. The best financial writer's agree
that this kind of business can not be
rendered even approximately safe I'M
less the banks keep in their possess
sion one-third-or at least one-fourth
as much real money as they are La
BILE to be called upon to pay out
at any one time; and yet the appall-
ing fact is that, Of the 6,148 national
banks doing business September 4
last, 5,7S1 are not required by law
to keep even 6 per cent, and none
have to keep Is per cent-and the
state and private banks are even
more reckless than the national banks
are.