davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-03-03
Ananlas and Sapphira.

From the New fOrk Press.
 The Bible omitted to mention anything about the equalization of taxes in con- neetion with that quaint tale about Ana nias and Sapphira, who, s far as I know, were the only people in all the world who ever fell dead while swearing off. But what is this joke about assessing men who have nothing. who are not on the rolls, who live altogether out of the city, who have never owned anything but n niche in tenth-rate daikerhof, who make S9J q week, who go to church and are truthful? Here is George Vanderbilt. worth s65.0000 00o lodging taxes in thres states. He's a nice specimen. But I don mind pa ying my just taxes if the other fellow pays his Aye. There's the rub. am raised no per cent In a year; some of my neighbors are raised 3 per cent Some are not raised at all. At the reduced rate, and even with slight increase of valua- tion they are paying less than they ever paid before; and still they kick
 Let us have a sermon on Ananias and Sapphra. Did their punishment fit their crime? Were they not simply protesting against the unequalization of the taxes? Were they not overtaxed and their neigh DOTS undertaxed? Nothing makes a man or woman madder than the notion that he or woman madder than the notion that he or she is the victim of injustice. I fear very much that if the penalty infct- ed upon Ananias and his wife were lived up to as an established precedent this snblunary world would very soon be de- populated. But what is precedent between friends? The politician Cable politician says to his friend Never mind, Bill. I'li see that you don't git, no raise.'' And Bill thereupon "gits none" while Gyner. next door. polijaianless, ''gits a good
 Tiff ''
The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-03-03
BY GEORGE AIDE
4o.o.es. s.o.o.c.Sa.o.o.s2.sa.sa.o.es.Sa.c.

..ls he still on deek?" asked Enoch.
 T canned him last week" said Annie softly, ''but still have the Limousine Car. You can see that 1 have had a lot of Trouble since you went away, and also quite a wad of Experience
 How about No. 5?'
 How dare you2' she asked, with womanly indignation. Do you think have no regard for the proprieties? I always wait reasonable time, and besides the supply seems to be little slack just at present. Have you any Open Time?"
 T am free as bird. replied Enoch. T am glad happened along when you were not tied up. because Winter is coming on and l must get planted somewhere 1 suppose there will he no objection to my going back on the Old J,D?"
 Non, whatever If you hurry you will be able to get a License before the Clerks office closes. Be sure and put in the customary Cause about either party having a right to give a Two Weeks Notice in case of dissatis- faction"
 Tt will cost two large iron Dollars 10 get the license, suggested Enoch.
 Annie slipped him the money.
 And that is how it happened that Enoch Arden instead of coming home to die of a broken heart, found await ing him the love of a Faithful Wife and the companionship of many bright eyed Children.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-03-03

Wrs. Finneqan Scores One


1 gan, 1 cant bea-ar it. I can't hea-ar it. ' l Mrs. McGuigan racked her braif for | some moments for words to assuage the | fresh outbourst of grief that followed this ! exclamation.
 "A-ah. now, An, now. Mrs. Ffnnegan. she said at last. "Do-on't take ahn SO
 Yell fret yerself sick if ye go on that way. It wo-on't do.' Seeing that ,his had no effect she added desperately , after a pause, An ye can buy another 1 cow Mrs. Finnegan.'
 | Another COW, dye say Mrs McGui- 1 gan?" snapped Mrs. Finnegan in blaze l of wrath" Where's there another COW cn | earth like me poo-oor de-ear R-rose. An if COWS were thicker'n flies in August whe-er'd 1 get the money to buy wan? This was poser, But inspiration cane at last. and Mrs. McGuigan's face lighted
 up as she exclaimed:
 Make the r-railroad buy ye wan How'll l do that?"
 wy, the r-railroad kilt poo-oor 1 R-rose, didn't it? Thin make the r-rail- i road buy ye another cow"
 Iris easier said than done'' "Oh-h, ] don't know! There was me ! fri'nd McFatrck that had a i-ine shoat
 kilt bN wan Q thim rid divil wagins la-ast | summer. McFatrick found out the name
 of the ma an that had the divil wagin
 was. McVandherhilp. or somethn' like ' that. 50 HH LUCK Lne tram to the GUY an vent sthraight to Mir Nandherhilp
 office, or whativer his name was, an he
 says says he. We've kilt me pig with your dom'd divil wagin' says he. How
 much? says McNandherlip, Fifty dol ! lors' says McFatrick, says he. There Ye ar-re. says McVandherlip. Thank yc 1 kindly. sir says McFatrick. says he. An
 that was all there was in it. Now. if I
 was you, Mrs. Fnnegan, I'd go sthraiaht | tn G. m I'd .HpNp lilt
 me cow How much? says they Fifty dollars says ye Here ye ar-re. says they An then yell come Income an i buy ye fi-ine young COW an live happy ever afther, as they do in the fairy
 tales
 Well, now. p'r'haps I wud." assenteG Mrs Finnegan, drying her eyes on hoy i apron So it was decided. after an inri-
 mite amount of discussion. that Mrs Fin
 negan should leave her affairs, which meant the care of her dog, Charley an evil looking brute, part bull-dog and part mcanness and the chickens in the care of Mrs. McGuigan while she went to di- sion headquarters at Omaha to present | her claim for poor Rosie's slaughter in person.
 The next day, but one after that of Mrs. McGuigan's inspiration. number two car ried Mrs Finncgan. arr2yed in ncr an- cient black alpaca and black-beaded bon net, to Omaha without any moro of inci- dent than usually hefalls the untraveled. Oft-repeated inquiries of all who would listen and of many who would not. sup plemented at last by the kindly guidance of newsboy. led the aggrieved widow to door inscribed
 ''DfNISION UPERiNTENDENT.'
 Mrs. Finnegan found herself in a lafge
 room, at one end of which was roll-top desk. In swivel chair behind the desk set a red-headed. rcd-b bearded man wi.A q broad expanse. of white waistcoat bsect- l ed by q ponderous gold chain. His face !, for the time being was redder than his
 beard for he was delivering to an au- dience consisting of deferential. but very
 nervous. little man violent oration. or
The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-03-03

shall be allowed to come here one day ever week. We are very good Friends. There was a time when a woman usually had a prejudice against former Husbands, but nowadays more lib eral spirit seems to pervade the upper strata of Society. After I gave Philip is Walking Papers and nailed No. 3, he came over quite often to show the New One how to regulate the Furnace
 Where is No. now?" asked Enoch, taking a Pencil from his pocket and checking them off.
 He wearied of my cooking eX- plained Annie. The Judge decided that Fudges and Tea every Sunday evening constituted Cruelty on my part I did not make any fight on the splt-out, because l got half of the Property"
 Being once more free, what was your next move?'
 'I did as all the others dol went out looking for more trouble. No. 1 was what you might designate an Onion. He had lived at one of those European hotels thirty years, and had an awful time getting him house broke. I learned that when a man past 45 gets married he isn't looking for a Wife at all. What he wants Is I Trained Nurse. rescued him from the Hotel because I needed a large Limousine Car. But even with my Long Experience and Angelic Disposi- tion could not put up with his Crouch"
The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-03-03

Reclamation. or something. in which the
 words. number one, ~' and laid out,
 and "Coffman Siding" and "orders,
 were jumbled with strange oaths. Being
 unable to make anything of the scene, or | to attract attention Mrs. Finn gan ad- Vdnced Ca the center of the room and, i after a preliminary "hem. exclaimed in her most severe tones: We've kilt me cow "Go to the devi.' roared the red-faccd occupant of the swivel chair without ook- i ing up. Mrs Fnnesan fled from the room, her eyes so suffused with tears that she ran , into one of her countrymen, in q checked blouse and carrying q pail of water in
 each hand, whom she nearly knocked down stairs. Dom it, why don't ve--' he yelled. then seeing the tear-blinded old woman { as he turned his head, he continued in his politest accents: "f beg ger pardon.
 mum. The hare's 50 slippery nearly lost me balance, an il se hadn't been in hearn l might ave user sthrong ] language
 The response to this being sob, he continued;
 Cheer ID, mum Trouble loves a wet s'il so dry ger eyes befure yer grief takes r-root" Iris easy t6 be comfortin when we've
 not had yer sole support token firm ye by a nurdhegn' rrailtoad.'
 Have they kit yer nia-an?h
 "I belr them no ill will fr tha-at "A-a-a-a-a?' He's plenty of company Of his own kind now. an hell need no overeoat.' Janitor Murphy scratched his head and stared. But they've kilt me poo-oor, de-esr , Rosie. an now thog'n give me no satis-
 faction. the blagga-ards.' Yer dater?"
 Me cow
 For the love O Godr' Jantor Murphy
 crossed himself devoutly as he stared for a moment in amazenent Then it occurred
 to him that she might be mentally un-
 balanced. so he again became sympa-
 thetic.
 An where's yer home?'
 Fender
 "Ch, ye were just goin' to take the
 tain fir Fender wfen i stopped ye,
 weren't ye? If ye hurry yell catch it yet" So it came to pass that before she ex- , acily realized what had happened Mrs. ; Finncsan was well on ner way home. As the full import of the humiliatins failure of her mission dawned upon her she Wept again. Suddenly her face lighted up with tho dawn of great idea As number one paused for a feeting moment at the Fender platform, Mrs Tinnegan alighted with great delibera- , ton and many compacent mods of her head Soon after reaching her home, Mrs McGuigan and Charley. who had been eagerly awaiting her return, came boisterously in. "A-ah, .Mrs Finnesan, An how did ye
 come osf?'
 When l do come out I'll have the sat is faction an the price of me cow"
 'so they treated ye right did they? 1 told ye so. Them r-ralroaders ar-re gintlemen, They're divils." 'Dldn't they settle wid ye?"
 They're goin' to-"
The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-03-03

I "She must be crazy" said Miss Georgie 10 q smooth shaven well dressed, self assertive gentleman who had come f0r-
 ward from the parlor ear Now Fate has q habit of doing uneE- pected illogical things and it had pleased the eccentric goddess 10 decree not only that the old Mans special should be y. ing at Lyons waiting for No. 2 but that the general claim agent of the Indian Valley road should be journeylng southward on this same No. 2, now held
 up by Mrs. Finnegan and her dog. II was General Claim Agent Harrington whom Miss Georgie had addressed. MT llar- rington now took command of the sltua- ton.
 , "Who is this woman?' he asked. Larry Finnegan's widow" answered Shorty, who knew everybody on the road "Why have you stopped the train, Mrs FinneganY' demanded MT. Harrington. "f want pay fr the COW we've kilt fr
 me"
 Well well. this is no way to get IL Send your claim 10 Omaha. and if it Is just it will be paid in due time "Omehah, Omehah. Don't ye say One. hah to me, | went to Omehah an the
 brick-topped blagga ard there told me to go to n place that was invinted an set aside specially fr r-railroad men. An
 now I'm goin to have pay f'r me poo-oor murdhercd R-rosie befure | Fave thls spot"
 Mr. Harrington found himself losing
 command of the situation
 "Iiow do l know you had a COW killed?' he demanded, betrayed by his emotions into an appearance of negotiating.
 "Theres hor grave over there, poo-oor thing" replied Mrs. Fnnegan, pointing to fresh mound of earth near the fence. We killed a COW. all right coming up
 the other day" interposed Shorty well, well. my good woman, tell me what she was worth. and I'll see what can be done about 1t when | get to Omaha
 "she was wort fifty. dollars. an yell
 see about it bfure ye git a foot nearer Omehah than ye ar-re now, onless ye go be ha-and."
 Fifty dolIars Why l could buy the best COW in the country for thirty-tive dollars. Come, come. MT kingman, re- move that woman and let's get on" Miss Georgie took q step forward Come on. boys" he called. His request being re-enforced by MT. Harrington urg- ing Shorty and the express messenger supported Miss Georgie on either flank, though it must be said the advance was without enthusiasm. watch 'em. cha-arley," warned Mrs Finnegan Charley promptly showed a whoIe-hearted willingness to watch 'em
 by springing forward a step and emitting a series of feroclous growls and parks. The three hastily retired. 'Td shoot the brute if I wasn't afraid
 of hitting the old woman said Miss i Georgie
 "sayl but you are brave lot" sneered Mr. Harrington
 "P'raps you'd like the job yourself" retorted Shorty. "Oh. confound it. I'd rather pay the money out of my own pocket than lay , out the presidents special any longer" said MT Harrington ignoring Shorty's suggestion. Here, Madame, heres your fifty dollars" he continued peeling two twenties and ten off q huge roll which he hshed up from the depths Of his trousers pocket.
 "I said sixty dollars.
 sixty dollars2 Cows seem to be going ! up in yonr market Mrs. Finnegan' '''Tis the Beef Trust ''Wel for heavens sake come and get
 your money and let us go on.'
The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-03-03

Breath like q Gas-leak, he thinks that when he steps across the Threshold the Canary should start to sing and the Missus should begin throwing Handsprings in his Honor and never dare to ask what kept him.
 Enoch Arden had the immortal nerve to think that he could jim around some remote corner of the Earth for years and years and then come home, when all the other places were closed up and find his Smoking Jacket laid out for him and the Evening Paper right cn the Centre Table.
 When he discovered that some one had picked the world Welcome" out of the Doos Met and that his old friend Philip was now the Plot of the Piece he went right up in the Air like a Toy Balloon
 He looked In through the Window and Saw that his Wife was happy with Nc 2 and tat no one seemed to be tacllius up any Grape on his account.
 It would be-a shame to break up fho Picture he said. q am to this joyous Famlv what Free Silver is to reunited Democratic Household-a sad sweet Memory. Me for the Sub way"
 Tie question is, What did Fnoch sec when he crept lip behind the Gurrant Bushes2
 The whole story is an Invention, specially made to order for Weepers, and if the Finale is too sad for the present light hearted Generation and violates all laws of Probability, We have a right to read proof on Tennyson and adapt the wind-up so as 10 make it4ka armoniae with new Conditions.
 It is probably true that Annie put her tag on Enoch in preference to Philip.
 She was a true Child of Romance. Philip had a hatful of Money, but
The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-03-03
ENSGH AR g GN
.cs , s,o,c.o.oscst,.o

1 demand Chicken three times d day and the keys to the Wine Cellar.
 lie overlooked a Good Thing Prob ably he had lived alone on the Tropical
 Island so long that he was a bit Googly
 not clear case of the Bats, but the
 Sun had got to his Head and made
 him what Specialists call daffy, or bug.
 He had sense enough to be Hero,
 but he was shy on sizing Up his Legal Rights.
 Everybody who reads Enoeh Arden
 weeps little, but probably Lawyer
 would weep harder than anybody else.
 The whole story is now drifting into the Joke Class, because it is based on the played-out Theory that the Mar i riage Contract is binding and per petual
 In England when tEa story was
 written. this thing of getting married was a copper riveted, air tight, cinch Proposition, the same as taking out a 9ayear Lease,
 Nobody went in on Probation. Those
 who tackled it said gcodby to their i Friends and settled down for a Life Sentence.
 Enoch stayed away great many years, without sending home even a Souvenir Post Card, and when he foated back into town he exnaeted to find Annie waiting for him with Hot , Supper all ready. : No man eyer knows when he is 90 ing toscross the Home Plate again, but he thinks that Wifey ought 10 know It is her duty to be hitched up ana
 standing on her tiptoes, ready 10 jump, the same as a Horse in the Fire De- partment
 Whether he blows in at 5:30 in tho Purple Twilight or shows up at 2;30 G. M, with chalk on his Hat and q
The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-03-03

"Ye1l hand 1t to me like gintleman."
 "Im not coming near that dog"
 "He shant hurt ye if ye behave yer self" sa@d Mrs, Finnegan, throwing her skirt over Charleys head and holding him tightly with one arm. Mr l1arrlng- ton grew purple in the face and breathed hard for a moment. Then he peeled an- other ten off the roll and handed it 10 Shorty, who cautiously advanced near enough to toss the little roll into the widows lap. She took it. counted it twice with great deliberation, tied it in a haudkerc hlef, deposited the handkerchief in a pocket which she found in her skirt after a long search. rose, brushed her. self off with one hand and at last stepped aside.
 "Now ye kin go.' said she.
 Not until they had reached Mrs. Finne- gan's gate did Mrs. McGugan find het tongue. Then, looking mp with the adora- ton which humility paws to genius she exclaimed:
 "A-ah Mrs. Flnnegan. Thot wuz tho time ye sco-Ored wan
The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-03-03

(CopyrighD.
 " THEN all that was mortal of Law NV renee Fnnegan was borne to
 W his late home, with the expla- nation that he had attempted to take a nap on the tracks of the Indian Valley railroad, his widow bore her bereavement with the equanimity born of a conviction that whatever happens in this world is for the best. But when a year later, Rose. her COW, was tossed into the ditch, a shapeless mass, from the selfsame track upon which the earthly career of her former master had been cut short, Mrs. Finnegan mourned with a grief too great for a solace.
 By way of explaining Mrs. Finnegan' s rather unconventional conduct it should be said that her late husband had been in the habit of varying the monotony of his labors as a section hand by going on a spree of a week or ten days duration after each monthly visit to the pay car. His boss was obliged to overlook these eccentricities because Mr. Finnegan had been promised a life job on the road for having saved, in a spectacular manner, a passenger train from plungng into a washout. During theses sprees his favo- rite amusement was beating his wife with whatever came handy. As sprees are
 
 contribution to the family support were few and meager.
 Rosie, on the other hand, during her entire exemplary life, never once failed to appear at the front gate promptly after the passage of number four at 6:25 D. m. ready to fill a large tin pail with the richest of foaming warm milk. This milk, with the products of the garden cultivated by Mrs. Finnegan, and the chickens raised by her labor, supplied the family Iarder and furnished such cloth ing as she possessed Small wonder, then, that when Mrs. Michigan called upon Mrs. Finnegan week after Rosie $ tragic end. she found crape on the door knob and could elicit response to her knock, though the sound of means and ejaculations from the tiny sitting room told that the mistress of the house was in.
 .Oh-hi Ye poo-oor Ge-ear.'' exclaimed Mrs. Guigan in her most consoling ac- cents as she hustled into the room, now don't take on so I'm sure if there's a heaven fir cows. R-rose-s there this bless ed minnit, an she wuddent have ye grieve yer hea-art out fir her" Mrs. Finnegan's only answer was ta z bury her face in her hands and rock back and forth as jshe burst into q tempest of sobs and moans, while her caller stood Tn the middle of the room with mouth agape. At last her slowly returning wits prompt- ed her to say:
 '.Ye poor-oor thng,
 The world of sympathy in the simple exclamation but served to tap afresh the fountain of sorrow in Mrs Finnegan' s breast Controlling herself after time she looked up at Mrs McGuisan through tear dimmed eyes.
 ..Ah. poo-oor. de-ear R-rosie was sucn q da-arln crayture, continued Mrs. Fin neean. her tears starting aIresh "Shed T h afff fFH.at. rd give her a bite firm the aa-arden an | she stan in front of the dure in the Sma-arnin' an moo so lovinf'r me to oome out an milk her. Oh Mrs. McGui-
The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-03-03
eCopyright 1907, by George Ade, in United States and Great Britain)

Copyright 1907, by George Ade, in
 United States and Great Britain) ~ NE of the most unsatisfactory
 recitals that ever opened the O foodgates of Parlor Sentiment is that of Enoch Arden.
 Enoch certainly got his. He was Jonahed from the getaway.
 First he performed at the Altar, then he became overstoeked with Children, then he boarded a ship and started for China to get a bank roll, so that on his return he would be elected ,o Parliament; then he was shipwrecked and cast away and lived on shell fish and bananas for years; then he sue oeeded in panhandling his way back to the old Stamping Ground, only to learn that friend Wife had hooked up with Philip and was wearing Bells.
 So the only thing for Enoch to do was to evaporate.
 He faded away and kept under cover just because he did not wish to em- harrass his Relations and separate them from their Soft Picking.
 If he had talked to a Lawyer he never would have lived in poetical Fic- tiOn dS d SGll IlclO, Dul uS might have made a proud showing IS a keen young Business Fellow.
 He had a chance to get after Annie for Bigamy, replevin the Piano, sue for possession of the Children and de- mand $50,000 Damages from Philip for alternating Affections of Running Mate.
 Instead of which he retired to a Boarding House and never came out again.
 Any one who has relatives that go Broke occasionally will grasp the sub tle Humor of Tennyson's story.
 Enoch was, the only Prodigal who eyer came home Busted and did not
The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-03-03
The Unquiet Stairs.
m IIarper's Weekly.

From Harpers Weekly
 In a recent suit in a Cincinnati court lawyer was cross-examining German, the point under inquiry being the rela- tive position of the doors, windows, and so forth, in house in which certin tfansaction was alleged [, nave occurred.
 And now. my good man." the lawyer said will you be good enough to tell the court how the stairs run in your house?"
 The German looked dazed for a mo- ment. How do they run he repeated.
 Yes; how do the stairs runY
 We'll" continued the witness, wen am opp-stairs dey run down. and ven am downstairs dey run oop.'
The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-03-03
By Frederick Arlington

e-.o.c.so-c..s,sc .oe c'st3s5 co
The Birmingham age-herald., 1907-03-03
(Copyright)

(CopyrighD. yXy HEN all that was mortal of Law \" renee Finnegan was borne Co W his late home with the expla-
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1907-04-15
EXCEPTION TAKEN
To JURY'S VERDICT

The coroners jury in the case Of the
little boy. John Gonsalves. killed by
falling off a car at Wailuku, charged
the brakeman with gross negligence.
There are some. however, the Maui
News says. who fail TO understand
bv what hypothesis they arrived at
any such a conclusion. There was
evidence that the japanese brakeman
could not stop the car when he saw
the danger of ConsaIves and a smaller
compans on. because he had reached
down and grasped the smaller chap and
the little fellows arm was between
the brake and the woodwork. He was
afraid he would break the child's arm.
He saved the life Of this one. When
he looked around he could not see the
bigger boy. He had not seen the boys
get on the car
The car was manned by japanese
and used in a contract with Waiiuku
Sugar Co. for hauling sand.