The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1907-04-07

me OlHLtAfk El44pAE -AtGkiNNAtA AAAN -
not one long, sweet pipe dream, and don't
YOU think it! Nor is his path streWn
with roses. For him all roads lead to
trouble. and if you doubt it, and your
ears are not too sensitive, just follow the
poor fellow few blocks and convince
yourself. He is called most any old
thing that ranges from bad, bold man
down to driveling sky-gazing idiot.
Some incidents prove amusing-almost
funny enough to create plot for
Cohan comedy-while others are so dis
astrous in their results that If an OBJ
server has any interest in this man. and
the vieissitudes his work necessarily en-
tails, he at once feels impelled 20 send
in a hurry call for an ambulance the mo-
ment he Chaps eye on him and the curl
Gus crowd his appearance invariably col
lects. Always there are breakers ahead,
and then some, which is one reason the
inspector has taken 10 the housetops
and from there keeps tab on the surround
ing smokestacks. However, knowledge
is with the smoke Inspector as it Is with
other men of affairs, he gains 1t slowly
and usually at a great cost, and this
particular time it came very nearly being
SO or thirty days
Out on r street, one day recently, when
the smoke Inspector stood on the curb,
comfortably supported by big, oak tree.
and absorbed in his own meditation
which was strictly confined TO the condi-
ton of a stream of smoke emitting from
a neighboring smokestaok. he was rude
~ awakened from his trance 10y the pres
ence of "a hatIess. Withholding man, VINO
seemed endeavoring to swallow the rem
nants Of his monday meal. and at the
same time hand the inspector punches of
incoherent. abusive accusations, which
brought the smoke man back to eartn
with more than a dun, sickening thud'
whereupOn he learned from the wild-iook-
ing man that he was menace TO the
public peace; that he had destroyed his
dinner thrown his wife into Mysteries
which had started the children crying
and the dog bowling, and that he would
be handed over 10 the FIRST officer In
sight Now, this particular inspector Is
not of those who discover riffs IN their
harness only on the morning of the bat
tie. He is prepared for all contingencies
propriate for the occasion. and disguised
as we'll as he could his alarm at the prob
able development. Throwing out his chesi
until he resembled a stone bust of Au
gustus Caesar, he was sheard 70 remark
in his inimitable style something like this
Sir, If I were in your position and be
lieved you 10 be guilty Of the things yol
are accusing me, I'd have cleaned you VI
without a question I'll admit that thu
is a case of the most conclusive circum
stantiaI evidence, and that's why I'm Civ
ing you a moment of my time. but I wan
TO explain TO you. sir, that l have no
the slightest interest in your wife or TIN
style of her coiffure, OF dress, and whel
she rushed to you with the news that
never took my impudent eyes from he
window the entire time she was comb
ing her hair and performing other mat
ters pertaining to ones toilet and tn
many other remarkable statements tina
YOU have brought across the street 10 me
] want to urge, sir, that she IS a victims o
hallucination. and had IL not been 70
your wife racing over the house, madl,
pulling down every shade on the premises
I wouldn't know what YOU are driving al
I've been accused OF many things in try
ing TO perform my duty, but never be
fore have / been faced with the charg
Of being a Jack-the- Ripper, Jack-the-Hug
ger or Jack-the-P pepper /. sir, am
District smoke inspector. attending T
my business. and it's unfortunate for m
that I cant 90 around labeled to tina
effect. And one other thing: II seems
me. if you thought I was any Of tn
above mentioned. you've been a lOng tim
telling me So
So you see, the smoke inspector is
lonely man. after all. and gets little syn
pathy from those who were called by IN
mercy OF heaven 10 less rigorous voca
tons
One OF those hot DAYS in March, whe
the mercury. in its desire 20 reach IN
top OF the little tube which marks III
limit OF its possible endeavoTs. a nun
Der of local business men. apparent
with no other business, stood in the col
ridor of an Avenue Office building, anC
Judging from a few remarks that reache
a bystander. were discussing their ID
nestle woes
We'll" said the man who wore
chronic sneer. there is one thing 1
say about my wife she doesn't care a ia
OF her small, white finger for money. bl
I may as well mention that I'm OF II
faith that teaches, if one can't spea
well of a person, speak no iii. At II
same time, my dear friends, I have
great reverence for truth, too, which it
just as we'll to add. would be woefull
violated were I to state that the paTtn'
of my life is not the sort of woman wi
Is ever gadding about attending TO ever.
body,s business, rather than the affai
of her own family; that she does supe
intend the culinary department, where
all the unbreakable biscuits and dyspe
tic. soggy pie crust are manufactured /
the untidy, untimely cook who alwa,
serves dinner. anywhere from two to fOl
hours after the appointed dinner hou
and equally against my conscience
would be, to say that the mending al
darnlng is always done before SupdS
morning, no matter what happens, inclu
ing the euchre fights and bridge wrangl
that have taken place during the wee
However, I can and do state in all tru
and sincerity that my wife, at leas
does not care for money"
Then the bystande-. whose face scOwl
with righteous indignation. thought tn
she had at last heard this paragon
meanness say something that might. ev
in a small way. redeem him from at lea
being the meanest creature breathing. fC
thought she. he does give his wife {
credit of being economical, a quality
man rarely attributes TO woman. being
virtue he scarcely ever believes Il pos:
BILE for her to possess. but one which
men are convinced includes the noble
clements a woman can develop. At Il
iuncture the sheer on the malevOleT
faced man broadened. as he almost seer
ed to have heard the bystandel
thoughts. But" he quickly added eco
Omy Is not what I'm talking abol
L Z.