The Washington herald., 1907-06-14

of Adulteration of Milky Way.
washlngtonians. The Washington Her
aid has successfully pursued celestial in
ves;gations 10 discover the true causes
OF this fool weather
With commendable enterprise, this pa
per recently decided that, although the
government weather experts were unable
to 70 behind the returns and hand the
multitude the true reason for these lovely
cold storage days. II was worth while
making the effort.
In the belief that some celestial dis
turbance must be responsible for this
unseemly behavior on the part of the
seasons The Washington Herald ordered
its star reporter to take a run upstairs
and mix with the planets for a few days.
Looking around for something THAI
would send him high enough up in the
air to pursue his Investigations, The
Washington Herald man laid in wait for
q nee Young brain-storm. and rode with
L through the clouds. skinned the milky
way, and dropped in on Jupiter, Mars.
Venus, Saturn, Cneeda, Frultana. Eclaire,
Zuzu, Cremo, and the rest Of the mob
just as they were sitting down to break
fast on ambrosia, nectar, and brambled
beans. Yesterday The Washington Her
aid received the following wig-wag dis
patch from Mars. in whose company the
star reporter has been seeing things.
Special Dispatch from Mars.
Canal street. Mars. {. h. Tell the
puny pikers called mort8ls that the an
swer to their weather mix-up lies in
JOYOUS fracas that came of up this way
when Jupiter and his train Of eXlled gods
gave their senl-annual equinoctial ball in
Zodiac Hall this spring All the detafs
Of the mill have been handed 70 me on "a
golden plate by eyewitnesses. and I can
vouch for the authenticity of the tale
1T seems that on the night OF the ball
Venus and Juno blew into the hall wear
ing fac-simile crows and sweet smiles
on seeing one another their smiles side
stepped into naughty frOwns. This light
nirg change costume act further pro
voked their wrath. and il was a pair Of
crouchy goddesses that Jupiter and Mars
braccd for the first waltz. Jupiter and
Juno Mars and Venus and a motley
herd Of brother and sister dsities and
chorus girls eliJed about The floor while
Orpheus handed them the dreamy strains
OF No Wedding Bells For Mine on his
guitar.
Venus Grows Pceyish.
inc
my crown and stealing my new smile
whispered Venus to Mars.
'Um-um.' agreed Mars.
Venus must have stolen that crown
design [ gave Vulcan, said Juno saw
ageIy IN Jupiter's whisEers.
Sure. said he. majestical.y.
'The next dance passed off with Incl
dent both girls getting Bacchus on their
cards for q dance 20 come a few numbers
farther along. When the moment arrived
for Venus dance with BdcChUs. De was
nowhere 10 be found An emjssary
finally located him I'm the palate polish
Varlor. staggering under a burden that
he should have made two trips for He
Wabbled ont on the floor. took a peek
al his card and blew over TO Juno, while
Venus stood biting her neither lip with
peeyishness. She was a popular party
and didn't want to sit out a dance that
had been begged for hy "a swell bunch
Of celestial light-weights.
"She saw B8cehUs make the ap1lOgetiC
pass al Juno and start to lead her out
on the floor for a vhrl Forgetting her
dignity. she busted over their way and
hutted I'm hard. juno claimed to have
the same dance on her card. and the pair
Of them were getting lined up for
Queensberry hairpuIl, when Mars mixed
IN.
Mars Mixes In.
Venus told him how she had been pre-
sented with a lemon, and sickcd Mars
onto Bacchus There was a short MILL
during which the contestants staggered
TO the ropes. Mars tripped over the scor-
piOn and fell out Of Zodiac Hall lie
saved himself by grabbing the celestial
axis. which bent and sagged with his
weight, throwing the whole works out
Of plumb. The bis dipper was turned
over and split It's contents into the milky
way. causing an adulteration that Dr.
Wiley should look into.
The zodiac figures were shaken out Of
place mixing up the months. Flora and
ScOTpiO from whom comes June and July
weather. were badly cracked and are be
ing put in working order again by Yul-
can. I'm ,the meantime Aries is working
overtime. AS soon as the broken figures
have been dOped into shape they Will be
placed In their old positions, and the
folks back home will get all the summer
weather they can handle, as both parties
are hot around the collar at being so
Carelessly handled
Brighter Days TO Come.
Having received the inside story Of the
causes 10 which may be attributed local
weather conditions. and the assurances Of
brighter days 20 come in the near future.
Washingtoniaus are respectfully hidden
20 cheer UP and Danish gloom Haber-
dashers. whose stocks Of straw hats have
so far reaped small reward. are re-
quested 10 cease Straining their eyes for
a sunbeam. Ciothiers. deserted by Gus
toners 20 whom summer raiment has as
set made no particular appeal, are hidden
% stop biting hunks out Of their show
cases.
As for the scientists, whose never-fail-
Ing hypothesis that all peculiar atmos-
pher.Cal conditions are due to the period
Of maximum sun spots has been dis
proved by the enterprise of The Wash
ington Herald it is only courteous 10
say that they are good fellows in their
way. and that it is really too bad to show
them up In this fashion.
Wins New Patrons.
"Lymansville sun Proof Serge" is the
name under which Mr. NJ Stein. the