davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Montgomery advertiser., 1907-01-23
DRfFTWOOD
BY PHIL H. ARMSTRONG.

The Funniest Valentines by the Fun
 niest People. There was a young fellow named AL Who proposed to the lovely Miss Bal- When the lady said Yes" Miss Baliientyyne,s Allen Tynes vaien-
 Carolyn Wells. I s ;sad her pFessptS ss .ssasras sa,s es o 10 leave out out the rest. For that valentine came c. Q. F.! scotteNBman whose name was Isbis- Had a maiden giraffe he called Sister" w When she said, "oh be mine. Be my sweet valentine!" He just jumped up her long neck and
 N'SSea GEilis Eli Parker Butler. Dear Lady. I can not. he said. e Make valentines out of my head, So I've licked and stamped good On my rival, who could; He's mall, and I send him. though
 -Burges Johnson. Oh. you would I fondly purloin. That our hands and our hearts we
 might JOlHs
 Oh. maiden of grace, Whose most beautiful face, Smiles so tender and sweet on the
 --R. K. Munkittrick. Said a Celt to his colleen so fine, "Begorry. I'm your valentine" "You're Dwyer McGuire. Dye think: me dear sir, that I'm
 Bo4AalI aa,,.i< There once was slovable saint. Who answered each amorous piaint; And I thought, till today; u,.v The old fellow was .dead-but he ain't. A hip-ps- DO ta-mus named Amos Was lcved by a chorus girl famous; All the other girls sighed, As they looked on. and cried,
 Tom Mason. He sent her a, lovely design A Cupid two hearts did entwign That Cupid Is bare Naked and that isn't hgn!" There was a young printer named In love with a fuzzy haired gearle I16 pTlAIGQ 6 t&4ChtlH0 For her all out of line, And she said. You have set me
 awhirl."
 Broken Reflections. The kind of love that is enduring Is that that will last after seeing her in curl papers x anS Ss a kim0na' that it can conceal a mans hypocrisy entirely. .,
 Don't steal mans umbrella and pray for rain, for remember that the prayers of the wicked availeth noth- ing.
 smooth as a billiard ball to sheer at a woman for dying hers The kind of love that seldom dies is being in love with A g oneself You can't saw wood with a ham, tRs adviss Sass s an ssoPaasfE Ss
 $ q $
 Marrying for money is seldom as satisfactory as working for it. Its a wise darkey who knows his own place. About the easiest thing in the world
 < Ss %
 Oh, Pshaw!
 Guess the Shah had a somewhat lengthy funeral procession if all his eight hundred wives rode in it
 Ts ts $
 With a Note fin Bank. Thirty days hath September. April. June and November So 'tis said. but seems tc me All of them have twenty-three.
 $ < < Hard Luck. When the frost is on the pumpkin, When the frost is on the play, | Then the frost is on the manager who The salaries has to pay.
 Ss < t Don't.
 There is an item going the rounds to the effect that the figures in Mrs; Chadwck's prison number when added give twcntY-tbree. As she caused a few banks to do this Ohio papers will please not copy.
The Montgomery advertiser., 1907-01-23

'sriliman in a hole" Is the title of sn editorial in The Columbia state well, none but an undsrtaker will ever put Ben in A hole that he cant get cut 0k
The Montgomery advertiser., 1907-01-23
GROWING CONSTANTLY

- Adv9rtiser's circulaiion continues to
 The figures for December were the ~ In tho papers history--indicatins DFosperity of Alabama sad proving con -<e1y that she people appreciate news x that prints all the news while n 's Hore are the fRures.
The Montgomery advertiser., 1907-01-23
Not an Appropriation Hut Restftu

ervice by American Press-New,
 Washington, D. C.1
The Montgomery advertiser., 1907-01-23

E g. Noble. Circulation Manager of The Advertiser. being duly sworn The foregoing statement of The Advertis- 1xe circulation for the month of December ! xr06. fa true and correct. and compiled after nri reE>lrne from news boys. news agents Sp1lie4 and leftover copies have been de- ENaked F. S. NOBLE.
 Circulation Manager Sworn to and subscribed before me the
 F. ". JACKSON, ]
 Notary Public
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1907-12-15
Where Are You From?
Dialect Infdllible SIGN

best people. The influence Of the negro
dialect is marked. Surroundings an to
accent and idiom make all the differ
ence in >;,e world.
Evening Is the Southern phrase for
afternoon soon In the morain' in
that district OF country means ezrlv
simply Il allow and like do" FOR
az do IS Southern also: yearth for
earth and yearthquake. verb herb,
and we're Chere)
Reckon Is both Northern and South
ern. but 'carlate" distinctt-elv va
kee. Shuck is the Yankee form 70 buU
as peas or oysters. the Southern usage
The Following specimen American
isms are typically Southern: C-hinch
bug; buster, a handsome chtl6.
blonde or bald whisky. chea,
corn or moonshins stun: ''revereEt'
whisky. good and strong: Barefoot"
Tea, without sweetening: "belonrinxs'p
or ''Sentemen's belongings" clothing
by sun" by sunset; chunk" -
punch; cymlin, OF simiin. the little
squash; chigger or Tiger. a tfck- ara
dcknauon, a place full OF ticks.
chicken fxings." a friccassee; long
sweet'nin'." molasses; short sweet,r-
in',' sugar; Tong sauce" bsets. cSr-
rots, and parsnips; short sauce" no
tatoes. turnips. onions. pumpkins.
common doin's," ordinary food: light
wood, kindlings.
In the South they say Dog my cats
and "Beswitched II 1 will ueEre
= raised" but a white person "a
reared or brought up. I live" with
Mr.. So and So or with such a firm
means ] work for them
'Bulldoze" originated IN the south
during the Hayes-Tilden PresidsRtiai
controversy. The term '.carpet-hs~-
ger" applied to the northern pcii-
Sicians in the South after the Esr.
finally became so opprobrious as to
actually put the old-ti1ne carpet bsS
out OF business.
Our sporting life. naturally rich In
metaphor and figurative slang. sup
plies the following;
''Bested," that Is. beaten. worstsd:
-'cra ck-a-loo." pitch and toss: "sav-
ing an ITEM among gamblers, tip
ping hand; 'simoieons, dollars. ths
Tong green" paper money. also dor
hicks" "seads." rocks" douSh."
sugar" all referring IN one con
nect.on or another to the national
currency.
Spiel and ausgespielt are from the
German; mazuma, Yiddish; goose ana
kryk applied, TO the Hebrew, evident
ly Of East Size derivation, aud 80
also is that speaking characterize
ton Of the lazy housewife spending
her time at the window. a .siII
warmer"
In Canada as in Europe, all Anera-
cans are Yankees. which term being
applied to a former Confederate In 10
rOnto. Yes" said he. by -. sir. IN
the sense you mean am a Yankee."
though he would have resented it at
home.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1907-12-15

it should be handed over to the first
married in each succeeding genera
ton, for as such il had come 20 him
through the intermarriage Of the two
families In years gone by.
Three hundred years ago there was
common spoon at 1ford. IN Essex.
which held more than a qu1rt. Others
of more legitimate make were such as
the c'-riOus combination implement
with which folks OF that date we're
familiar. when most people still
dipped their fingers into the general
dish TO help themselves to meat, more
dainty diners carried about with them
an implement which was a combina-
ton OF spoon and fork and toctlpick.
The fork was at the back Of the
spoon, while the handle of the double
article was finished of: with a little
figure terminal. which eerved as han
die for the toothpick. The terminal
figure was a very favoriee form of
spoon oruamentation.
1t is most familiar in the apostle
spoons. OF which original sets fetch
such high prices and OF which latter
day limitations are so abundant, but
The fgures were BY no means con
fined 10 tile apostles
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1907-12-15

appeared. At South Keusington. in
England. may be seen. for example. a
curious collection OF the little scoops
so well known to our great-graud-
mothers as ''caddy spoons"
Tea caddies Of the old-fashioned kind
have long been. superseded. and when
the caddy with its two-lidded and
metal-lined end compartments and
sugar bowl in the cavity between went
out of use the caddy spoon or scoop
disappeared also.
Another obsolete curiosity Is the
snun spoon, which. in the DAYS when
nearly everybody took snuff. and took
Il everywhere, was used lar convey
ing the scented powder from the
box 10 the hand. or In some eases
direct TO the nose, candle spoons and
pap spoons are also out of date.
gentleman a few months ago wrote
that he had in his possession a silver
pap spoon which had been originally
given by the Marquis OF Exeter 70
a member of the Higgins family OF
Bolas. The possessOT OF this spoon
remarked that il had been given 20
him by his father. with the wish that
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1907-12-15
Pretty Specimen.

one OF the pvettisst specimens OF the
Big Stick now restz in Secretary
Loeb's desk drawer. u Is a bog oak.
black as tar, and r. oTnamented with
much intricate carving shamroczs
in high relief sdorn q TO remind the
one who Yields II that II came from
dear old Ireland. and it IS as heavy
and as hard as iron. One blow. be il
ever 50 light would also forcfoiy re-
mind the one who received IL that Il
Is a real Irish shiIlalsh. II you wish
20 test the truth OF this statement
just ask the Secretary about big
Sticks" At the first word he wiz reach
into the drawer convenient to his mus
cular right hand. viii quickly grip the
handle Of the HiberniRn weapon. and
VIII then announce himself as being
sick and dead tired OF the subject
He wants ne more OF them In his and
prays that the Big Stickers'' from the
Arctic to the Equator. and from the
Philippines TO Maine viii from thSS
time on forget it"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1907-12-15
effect or MARRIAGE
ON LENGTH or Life

ana. while single mans chances
are Mt 50 good as the man who
pays bills for a family. stu he
stands the state much better than
he did at the start.
Marriage conditions for women are
not so favorabls as for men.
A married woman under twenty
five has but a little better chance
than her old maid sister Between
thirty and thirty-fve wives die at
at the rate of nine out OF each thou
sand each year, while only eleven
spinsters stop spinning The COM
parative ratio here Is noticeable:
Married men, seven; bachelors.
eleven; married women. eight; spin
sters. eleven II is noticeable. too.
that each old maid has an allowances
CT Just one man in the next world.
according to the figures.
After a married woman has reached
the age OF forty her chances arr
greatly increased, compared to the
unmarried women OF the same age.
Forty seems to be the turning point
in the natural life OF woman, and
forty is surely the common point
among men, fo= man who has not
made a success by forty probably
never will.
IL man marries at twenty-five he
should have forty years OF married
life. If he doesn't marry he cannot
expect to be with US for more than
thirty-five years.
A single woman's chances or life
els
The average death rate OF Spinsters
is fifty, while that OF a bachelor is
fffty-five. A married woman's chances
for life are Just the same as her
husbands
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1907-12-15

- HID Big Sticks" that are aimed
at the devoted head or Presi-
dent Roosevelts rlzht-hand
man are not welded by his
enemies, nor by those VINO would do
the Executive tho least harm IN tho
world. They come from the very
Etanchest admirers Of the Administra-
don, from men who are willing and
anxious 10 fight the Presidents hat
ties and IT would. doubtless, be a
matter Of much disappointment. as
well as establishment To them II thcv
were to learn that their offerings are
not received with manifestations Of
Joy at the Presidents door. The
sticks" are, Of course, facsimiIes OF
The famous cudgel that President
always carries IN the newspaper car
toous, and they are made from almost
every conceivable material that grows
on lano or water, or in the air above
TIE earth and sea. Almost every time
toe President reappears prominently
IN the papers, which happens on an
average OF twice a week or ofiener
there is a fresh consignment of thu,
large clubs shipped in the direction
OF Washington. The man in New York
State who has raised an odd potaro
which resembles the big stick in gen
sral appearance, thinks it a great idea
TO send IT to the President lust 70
remind your excellency that we are
with you and that our crops are in
sympathy with your teachings willie
che woodsmen in a lumber camp out
near Seattle, who has found the limb
or a tree growing in near resemblance
70 the famous 'peacemaker. goes to
great expense and trouble to tag Il
and ship 1t to the White House. with
Dis compliments and best wishes.
Every man. woman. and child I'm the
country who can read has apparently
learned by heart Speak softly. but
carry big stick" and is on the con
slant lookout for the sticks. But their
emotions when they discover a snooi-
men are not TO be compared with tb,.
Feelings OF Secretary Loeb and his As
Sstants at the White House.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1907-12-15

calls another messenger and directs
that il be taken downstairs Esd
opened The messenger shoulders the
big Stick" parcel. takes Il down 20
the basement, opens il. and brings Il
back 70 the secretary's office. The
chances are that the package contains
no trace or sign OF writing TO Identify
the sender. Possibly there Is a little
note saying. For the President. WA
write later.-A Friend" In the course
OF a week or 50 the "Friend-'' letter
is brought In by the postniau. and re-
counts some remarkable circumstance
connected with the Big Stick which
ne had sent. Il met the President at
Oshkosh. WIS.," the writer says. -and
when 1 shook hands with him I told
him that I was going 70 send aim the
stick. He said ne would be glad TO
set II. have Just named my fourth
boy after the President Mother and
child doing we'll" There's nothing for
Secretary Loab TO do but write a letter
Of thanks &c Mr.. Big Stick Man Of
Oshkosh.
II he doesn't and fails to say how
much pleased the President Is to re-
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1907-12-15

~ ANY rlen nave COlnplffp Sla-
M tistic,i on life. Statistics are
H OF great interest. or, at least,
the things to be learned from
them are One seldom sees statistics re-
gerding married life, but many men
have collected .asm.
Here IS a list selected from the re-
ports Of several studious investigators
on the subject of the longevity OF the
married man and woman, and those
who are single.
Married men from twenty-five to
thirty years Of age die at the rate OF
six i'm each 1000. Unmarried men from
twenty-five 70 thirty die at the rate
OF ten per 1000. Thus. betweea those
ages zoe married mans chances Of
life are almost double those OF the
single man. The widower of that age
has less chance; twenty-five out of
each 1000 die
Between the ages of thirty and thir-
ty-fiva there is little difference in the
ratio, except that a widower OF that
age is little less likely to die than
one younger. The figures are: Mar
ried men, seven and one-quarter in
each 1000; unmarried men, eleven;
widowers. nineteen and one-half.
From thirty-five to forty the single
life begins to pail on the bachelors,
according to figures, and thirteen out
OF 1000 give up the chase" The
married men are then just enjoying
life. and only seven and one-half out
OF ever 1000 can be induced to let
go his hold on this fieeting H.. The
widowers of this age, IT would seem.
are moro easily consoled, for two less
on an average die each year than they
did at the ages quoted just before this.
From forty on things are settled
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1907-12-15

gathered when one f. told that they
have been sent TO the President from
the Philippines. Cuba, and Porto
I.ico. from nearly every State Ia the
Union. and from China. A Few mouths
ago Congressman Lands Of Indiana
came 10 the White House with con-
s,ituent who had raised a Big
Stick sourd. II was a monster vege-
table. six feet Ions. five inches In
diameter AT the heavy end. and was
a perfect reproduction Of the cartoon
lists idea The grower ot the cUIios-
ity thought so much of IL that he
bought a railroad ticket to Washins-
ton and back for the sole purpose of
presenting it To the President. In
further honor Of the event the In
dianian named the variety OF gourd
after the President, and, it is quite
proba bic. raised a fine crop OF Big
Sticks this year. for nc said he was
going into the business on a large
scale
When the President made his trip
to the Coast IN 1900. hts train was al
most loaded with Big Sticks" Among
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1907-12-15
Keep Messengers Busy.

In Tho first place. the man at Serr,-
tsry Loeb's door-John Hans. who has
all the secretary's visitors TO hoo,
after, ard is as busy as can be-p,,,st
receipt Tor the package and carry it
INTO INC Secretarys office. The Secre-
tary IS probably trying to answer the
questions OF -FOUR newspaper men and
tnree congressman simultaneously
when the package comes i'm. but in
order 10 get rid CT the bulky parcel
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1907-12-15

these might be mentioned a dozen or
more ALASKAN totem poles" on that
same trip he visited the Pueblo In
CLANS in the Southwest and admired
heir pottery. Numerous dishes and
Kettles Ct the strange earthenware
were forthwith thrown upon his train.
and not very long afterward on to
Washington came the Inevitable Big
Stick trcm the PlIeblOs IT was a
remarkable piece OF wood. covered
from end to end with strange Indian
aieroglyphics. ana had consumed
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1907-12-15
BIudgeons, ShiIIalahs,
and ANYTHING Resembling Car
tooned Big Stick" Sent bU
Admirers, and Warehouse will
Soon Be Needed.

~ ECRETARY LOEB has a
sorrow.
Not a little, "teeny-
- weeny" sorrow.
Not an ordinary sorrow.
Not similar to any woes such as
Cypress most men who grieve.
There has never been in all the
world such a sorrow as this before.
1T IS THE BIG STICKp
Big stick here -,
There -
EVERYWHERE |
He Is haunted by a growing accu-
mutation Of big Sticks"
Every time The wheels Of an ex-
press wagon are heard outside of
the White House Office building he
hcmbies In bis chair for fear that
more Of the ugly bludgeons are
coming his way.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1907-12-15

II HILE every one knows who
NM observes AT all that The
ngltsh language. the
mother tongue. is one thing
and the American manner OF speech
another, not every one realizes how
much the difference really is.
The written language. the language
Of books, practically IS the same:
yet dramatically the ITO peoples are
far apart-as far apart. for example,
rs Cockney dialect and Bowery dia-
leet-
The divergence OF the two countries
in this particular is indicated in the
following instances:
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1907-12-15
THE CAUSE

In one of his speeches, PreSi,
dent Roosevelt said: "Speak soft
ly, but carry a big stick" That
was the beginningl
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1907-12-15

& -
AA with spoons OF many shapes
intended for every variety
OF purpose but some old
fashioned styles are now merely curl
ositles. There Is the old-fashiOned
marrow spoon. for instance. which was
used for extracting marrow from
bones Ii was made double. one end
being used for small bones sad the
other for those OF larger bore
Another example Is the mulberry
spoon. This has a perforated bowl and
spiked and pointed handle The i'm
PIGMENTS were made for use in day
when mulberries were much more com
monty eaten than they are at the
present time. With the perforated
bowl a little sugar was spTinkled on
the berry. which was then convened
10 the mouth on the spiked end Of the
handle.
The Introduction of tea led to the
making Of a variety Of new kinds Of
spoons. including the necessary tea
spoon itself. some OF which stlll re-
main In use, while others have dis
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1907-12-15

building, where 1t will rest with
collection OF hundreds OF others. Just
what will DO done eventually with tho
Big Sticks neither Secretary Loeb
nor anyone else can tell. To destroy
them would be considered a slight 10
the Eenders. They are OF no possible
use TO anyone on earth. unles ii be to
the man who kindles the White House
fires. A. the wooden ones are well
seasoned now, and Will be even dryer
before the ldes OF March, 1909. Il Is
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1907-12-15

IN THE UNITED
STATES.
Campaign.
HOmely.
(Not handsome.
plain features
Clover.
Good natured:
honest)
Lumber.
Crackers.
Fail.
The Mall.
Carrier.
Bag2a ge-
Baggage check
Switching.
FireEsSn.
"Q,Ieer. f"
q. G., counterfeit
money!
offset.
Sly coon.
Scratches
con the horse).
Tramp.
"a vagabGn0.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1907-12-15

EQUIV
ALENT.
Canvass
Honely.
pertaining 10
home unpretend-
fng).
Clever.
(Dextrous>.
Deals.
Biscuit.
Autumn.
The post.
Postman.
Luggage.
BraSSes.
Shunting.
Stokef.
'Flimsies-
Set-oh.
Sly fox.
Grease.
Tramp
Ony traveller
afOot).
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1907-12-15

What a distinction tn are is even be-
tween the different divisions OF our
own land. Those who travel are
quick to detect the nasal Yankee
from the soft, smooth-spoken South
erner. The drawing -Westerner.
with his "whay-er'' ard "thay-er'' FOR
where and there. or the far West
erner, fertile in emphasis and ex-
pletive. but otherwise combining. as
the people do themselves, much OF
all sections and ever the Canadian.
who has a manner and tWang OF his
own.
Take, for example, the New Eng
lander. suddenly transported South.
or the Southerner thus set down in
New England; either would find him
self in strange company and sur
roundings under these conditions.
"Harf," they say in Boston. and
''carf" for half and calf. '.Bawston"
they call their town, and ''Trem-un"
CTremont) It's famous retail thorough
fare Its suburbs OF Dorchester and
Roxbury are "Dotschter" and locks
hry"
In the South they say you ALI and
I'VE ALL" this we're" and that thar"
'Bowdy?" and How cum?" and
right smaht" and this among the
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1907-12-15
THE RESULT:

Secretary Loeb'S office is al
most Uttered with bludgeons of
every description from every sec
ton of the American domain.
What will be the end?
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1907-12-15

noHfhs Ct some patient Ppeblos umS
10 make. The maker OF the gift had
probably never heard OF the Big
suck" IN all his DAYS before he Vas
commissioned by some white man 70
do the work, out az he knew il was
Ter the Great White Father be gladly
toiled over It until II was done. To re-
fuse to accept such a gift would be
little short OF cruelty, 50 il was re-
ceived by the President IN the SAM
spirit in which II was sent.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1907-12-15

'lore than probable that they will be
curned up before President RoOse-
veie leaves the White House. unless
some appropriate storing place can be
found for the collection.
* y
Come From Everywhere.
\ faint idea Of the number and
variety OF Big Sticks that have
been received az the White House
during the last six years may be
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1907-12-15
DIFFERENT AGES REFLECTED BY SPOONS!

7 r are familiar NOWADAYS
with spoons OF many shapes
intended for every variety
OF DrlrDCeo lint some old