Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1907-12-14
CALLING FOR THE SAME
$<TV1 HATS all this fuss that has
w been raised recently about

w been raised recently about
what to call whisky?" said Col.
Zebulon Highball. as he set down an
empty glass. Il have not been keeping
posted on these more or less important
matters"
Well colonel, you think you have just
been drinking whisky. don't you?" re-
marked the beverage clerk of whom the
question was asked.
Think said the colonel. II know it.
Do you take me for an amateur who does
not know whisky when he sees it? know
you would not palm off anything else on
an old friend, and. besides, you could not,
even if you would be SO mean as to try"
We'll, colonel. not to dispute your word
but a number of learned men have dis
agreed as to whether that favorite brand
of yours. and a great many other favorite
brands of other people, have the right to
be called whisky. The famous DR.. Wiley
has his view of the matter, the Attorney
General and the President have tried in
VAIN to settle the question. and now It is
up to the courts. SO, you see. you can
not be sure that you have been drinking
whisky just now. and perhaps you have
not had drink of real whisky for a long
time
"Ffddlesticksy said the colonel. What
have 1 been drinking, then?''
That's just what places everybody in
the upper branches Of a seduoia gigan-
tea said the bartender. who at times
made noise like a college professor.
What's that?' gasped the colonel.
Puts everybody up a tree
OH said the colonel, but can't you
climb down part of the way? Why isn't
this whisky" he continued. as he tilted
the bottle for second potation.
All I know is that 1t has something
else in it besides the straight stuff, and
after the court finally determines just
what is to be called whisky when you
call for whisky, it will be my duty to
hand you something to fit the name. in
stead of what you are drinking now"
so that's what's the matter? If
called for whisky and you did not hand
me the same old thing. according to Gus
tom long established. couldn't I hand it
back to you, and find some way of i'm
pressing upon you what I wanted, even
if | had to make signs?'
That's true: but everybody would not
take that trouble. They'll call for whis-
ky and take what is handed to them. Or
else they'll insist on having the real stuff
even if they don't like it, just because
it is the real STUN
Young man. I think you have perched
yourself in that sesqui-gianticus. or what
ever 1t is. with a great deal of unneces-
sary trouble. You are worrying about
what will happen when men CALI for
whisky after the court finds out what
whisky really is. Now, how many men
of your extended acquaintance call for
whisky? Do l call for whisky? No. sir!
presence you know what want as well
as l do, and give it to me. 1t is not
necessary for me to give articulation to
my desires or to designate the particular
variety of distilled exhilarant that is
needed for the irrigation Of my vocal
organs. And there are many like me.
But when it comes to the individual who
THINKS 1t necessary to do more than step
up and look thirsty. does he say. Give
me some whisky, please? No. He will
hair oil. or little varnish. or a little
Kentucky hardware, and you are not
going to hand him ten-penny nail or
horseshoe. law or no law. label or no
he wants like a good little boy.
why, how do they get their whisky
down in the prohibition country? They
go to the telegraph office and send In an
order for so many dictionaries. or hair
mattresses, or gridirons, and the ship
ping clerk in the liquor emporium does
not nave to ask any questions. Trouble
over finding out what to call whisky?
Why Why. call it the inwariable.' as Sam
the Rev. Mr.. stiggins did, and it will
come just the same
Call it fire water as the Indians did,
or Joy water or poison or medicine.
or almost anything but whisky It's
-, :r - oAiio s1dl CANS IL WIS
KY II you stop and think awhile"
The beverage clerk listened intently to
this disquisition, nodding approval now
and then, but not interfering with the
flow of eloquence. The colonel seemed
to be running short of talk. when two
strange customers entered the place
In answer to an inquiring look on the
part of the beverage clerk one said: "a
little water on the side for me-" The
other said: "The same'll do for me" Tho
order was filed to the satisfaction Of each,
and whether any whisky figured in the
transaction is matter for the courts
to determine.
After the government finds out Inst
what sort of label goes on that bottle
ball, you may fix up another label for
my particular benefit. You only need
put on two words, the same That
after all. is what whisky is called more
than anything else"