The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, 1907-12-08
Maria'S Midnight Lectures.
LECTURE NO. II.


and l never heard that you had any
claims TO distinction. except, perhaps,
as the champion long-distance sleeper
OF the world. GridirOn Club. indeed,
You couldn't get within a mile OF It.
Job.
Don't stand there smiling like a goat,
but come TO bed. and let's have nice
comfortable chat. You can be so bright
when you want 10. Job; and at other
times-well. I'd hate to have other Peo-
pie know how stupid you can be- II
the world only knew half the secrets
that devoted wives keep about their
husbands, Pm not scolding, Job; and.
after all. I guess you're about on an
average with the rest Of the husbands.
Job. did you draw out our money from
the bank2 I read in some paper that
all the banks were tittering-I mean
tottering-and we've still got SIS left
out Of that fortune you won tho other
day. and 1 need it for Christmas pres
ents. just don't see. Job. how we're
going 20 afford a real fashionable Christi
mas dinner this year. everythings 50
high. made the pudding to-day. and
had 10 use prunes instead Of piums:
they're just as filling, and ever SO much
cheaper.
Il see. Job. that New York is catch
ing the dry fever. and that there
isn't going TO be any more Sunday
concerts or liquor 70 be sold, or sacred
harmOnies or anything like that, and
now that the blue laws are TO be enforced,
the New York preachers are protesting.
1 guess that's because II they aren't
any Sunday concerts. the people will
have 70 go 10 church. and the preachers
are afraid that they'll have 20 work
overtime Say. Job, wasn't that awful
about the lady in Chicago? She went
out for an auto ride and she rode so
fast that IL took her breath away, and
she wasn't able 10 speak for thirty days.
AIy, 1 DO hope no such accident as
that'n happen 10 me. Just think. Job,
dear. II 1 couldn't speak for thirty
days. 7 don't know what would become
Of you if 7 had 70 shut up and couldn't
advise you what 10 do
I told you the other day that woman
was advancing rapidly al along the
line, and It just proves it when you see
woman a delegate 10 the Rivers and
Harbors Congress. don't just see
what she has 70 DO with rivers and har-
bors; maybe she wants job as light
house-keeper along the coast OF Illinois.
l think that sort Of a job would Just
suit me. Job. always was good at
light housekeeping. Do you remember
what a happy time we had when I did
all our cooking on an oil stove in one
little room-that was before the chill
dren came, I'm rather glad We got out
Of it, though, job I don't really be-
lieve you could quite raise children on
an oil stove. Speaking OF cooking.
though, isn't II funny about that man
out West who'd been I'll so long and
nobody knew what was the matter with
him. and the doctors found out that
his blood was fun OF yeast. wonder
how It got there I suppose he ate his
wife's cooking and her bread didn't
raise very we'll II would have been an
awful thing for him II he'd been sent
down 20 some tropical country and the
warmth Of the sun and caused him 10
rise, RE might have found out. though.
something about the mysteries OF this
aerial navigation they're talking so
much about.
Aren't we having awful luck with
our navy. job It's 70 be hoped that
these young men whom the President
has put in charge OF the battle ships
VIII hurry up and learn how TO guide
hs,r, ,~~7.-
stuck her nose in the mud. and then
the Georgia ran on the bar-and
thought Georgia was dry state. too
and now the Maine tried 70 climb up
on the bank Of the river. What in the
world they'll do when they get down
along the South American coast the
land only knows. Probably they'll cut
up that coast into chunks. and we'n
have an awful bin Of damages to pay.
And there don't seem 20 be much use
in praying for the success OF the voyage
either. reckon it's clean steering that
win help them more than anything.
And, do You know. Job. I'm sometimes
puzzled about prayer? Here 7 read
that just before the Yale and Harvard
football game both sides went to chapel
anu prayed for the victory. Now. Of
course. somebody had 20 win. so they
might have known that one Of those
sets OF prayers was not going 10 be
answered
Say. Job. what are tarsntulase
see piece in the papers that the
sailors Of the navy are directing be-
cause their beds over in Guantanamo.
wherever that is. are fuu Of tarartuIas.
Do you suppose the government doesn't
allow the mon clean sheets enough
And, why don't they use insect POWDER
I know 1 used it on little Emily when
she got covered with feas and what's
good for heas ought 70 be good for tap
antulas, I should think BY the way.
I didn't tell you that Little Halev's
been awful sick. I saw where the noted
London doctor advised parents 70 let
their children eat all the sugar they
wanted, and so I turned the sugar bowl
over to Haley. and let him eat al he
wanted to- The first thing you know
he had a stonachache and the toothache
and Emily had 70 put the hOt-water bag
on it-not on his tooth, on his stomach.
I mean. Poor little chap. I tell YOU
it's getting 10 be a job to know Just
what to feed children. / was a-going 10
buy some strawberry Jam that I saw
advertised cheap. only DR. Wiley says
now that jam is made up OF hayseed
and coal tar, and I don't want the