The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1907-07-26
HIS PREHISTORIC
MAJESTY
! opics OF the Times Discussed
I'm Royal Language

ful presence, whats gnawin the peo-
pie of this realm? What kind of u
bug have they got now, huh?"
The physician stood moment be-
tween fear and perpleXity.
Il don't quite comprehend the ma
ture of your majesty's Interrogation,
he ventured at last TO observe.
whats that? You don't careen TO
my George AIDE breeze? Your balloon
jib don't fill to my jabber gust, heb?
My advanced thought air currents pass
over your mental top-ga!lant, do they?
Well, I'll see if | can yank them down
to level with your bilge-water intel
lect What | want TO know is, what
the dickens ails my people? Half of
'em are so Elimination good that they
give me the saccharine sickness. When
they come into my royal presence they
make me feel as if | had eaten 80
charlotte russes in 80 minutes.
After four minutes with one of
these human cream puffs the other
day | hustled out to the kitchen for a
dill pickle. Then, on the other hand,
the rest of my people are so thunder
in bad there's no gettin' along with
'em at all Seems as if the very diel
was in 'em and they were glad of 1T.
To be sure, they're something of an
Improvement on those animated me-
ringue buildings that constitute the
other half, but their everlasting ras-
cality becomes irksome when you
have to wallow through it eight days
in the week.
Now, then, Doc, it's up to you TO
peek into the pack and get wise as to
why people amt built on less monot-
onous lines. Why did | pay IS hard
earned bucks TO run up through a med
ical college in 60 days and buy you
diploma printed in a dead and buried
language? What do l give you your
clothes and keep for if it amt to have
you cure me of that tired feeling my
ornery subjects give me?
do you savvy what I'm driving at?
l want you to get squirt on you and
find out how to make folks sort up
little evener; and I'm in a hurry about
it, too"
Il think | perceive" said the physi-
clan, backing to the doorway, where
he gracefully salaamed.
Thereupon his majesty kicked him
out and slammed the door, the while
he chuckled merrily TO himself for
that he had performed an exceeding
meritoriOus pun.
The next day the surgeon begged
audience of the king, saying that he
had diagnosed the case of the people
and was prepared to make his report.
Let 'er flicker the king command
ed, seating himself upon the arm of
his throne and drawing his purple robe
about his bare legs, for the spring was
shy and backward that year.
Your majesty" the physician be-
gan, Il find the diathetic conditions of
your people to be both pathological
and"
Come off" the king interrupted.
you talk like a subway engineer.
Who knows what the deuce it means?"
II find the doctor began again,
that the trouble with your people is
in their blood. Some of them have
only white corpuscles, and this makes
them rather too good, while the rest
have only red corpuscles, which makes
them rather too bad. If may venture
a suggestion, your majesty"
Hold on Do you venture it as
physician or as a member OF the board
of estimate?"
"As physician, your majesty"
Every we'll, then; go ahead"
81 would suggest that you issue a
royal ukase commanding the good and
the bad people of the realm to inter
marry. This would bring about COM
mingling of the two kinds of blood,
and in a few generations you would
have a race in which good and bad
would be pretty evenly distributed in
each individual
There you CO." shouted the king.
II was afraid you were going to talk
Ike board member. Dye think I'm
Ding to wait several generations for
Is new order of things? Dye think
N goin to deal four aces to posterity
I'D take a pair O. deuces for myself?
ot much. Mary Ann, I'm out for the
oyous Now with a cap n. Me for the
Gladstone present, the feeting Already
Yet. Look here! You trot out your
contraptions for bleeding folks and get
busy. Just draw half the blood out
of the good people and half out of the
bad people, and swap EN- over, savvy?
l want you to pump half white blood
into the strenuous ones and half red
blood into the mollycoddles, and strike
and average. See?"
But both sides will object to that,
your majesty"
Let 'em object. If you're so mealy
about it you can stick up signs in the
street, telling 'em 1t amt your doings.
Lay it off on me if you like, bus get
go on you and do business. Clear out
G. herel"
When the surgeon general had hus-
tied out to do the blood swapping, the
king leaned back in his throne and
laughed long and loud
"By Jiminyl" he chuckled, when he
could control his risibles. Won't that
he a boss on DOsterity? When they