Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1907-04-14
Imitation Humorists.

But, We repeat the realty -dho-tiuis Ao'
ny base ball rooter is rara avis. Wash
ington has Its quota. like other base ball
towns of two three-no more.
The imitators Of the real article. however
are many They are not able to view them
selves from the proper focusing distance
They don't know how to stand of and look
themselves over from the correct angle.
Otherwise they wouldn't be imitation funny
base ball rOoterS.
They somehow or another develop the ex-
aegerated ego-ish notion that they are the
real clips cut-ups leases. hoydens of the
game And they are out to show folks
that they're there with the stun Candor
compels the statement that. far from be-
ing in the least wise entertaining, they are
very. very sad persons.
They do not conduce to the gayety of an
afternoon at ball park. Their utterances
have about as much point as a carpenter
pencil that has been used as can-onener
They excite about as much mirth as does
the sight of a gored horse at a bull fight
They diffuse an aura and aroma or gloom
all over the occasion. They surcharge the
affair with an atmosphere Of sorrow. They
render the concourse uneasy and unhappy
They mistake antediluvian gibes for up-to-
the minute witticisms. thereby creating a
perspective of verbal monotony that Is irk-
some to the spirit and wearisome unto the
flesh
And they never. never stop till the last
mans out. They are making the hit of the
afternoon according to their dope, and so
they don't feel like depriving the crowd of
their funniness till it's all over. They be-
gin just as soon the umpire sweeps off
the home plate. or little bit carrier. and
from then on till the wind-up they are
making tunnels Of their hands-and making
their near neighbors long for sudden death.
II compressed into a box of similar size.
the thing they suppose to be their humor
would resemble a ten-cent can OF French
sardines caught of the coast Of Maine. And
oil tba firpo
all over the place Is just rocking from side
to side and holding his sides with sheer.
uncomfortable laughter That's the pity of
it. Iago-that these imitation funny rooters
a benefit upon the folk who have given up
their good coin at the gate. Nobody feels
like trying to flag one Of these limitations.
1t is so perfectly apparent that the phony
funnyist actually thinks that he alone Is
worth twice the price of admission. that
generous hearted man, no matter how hor-
ribly they suffer under the affiicton. haven
the gizzard to up and tell him that he's in
wrong: that he really Is shine, and
smudge and a nuisance as a would-be d.
verting rooter. Moreover. such cOnfronta-
ton would perhaps fetch up a crouch and
a growl, and perhaps a scrap, and so the
imitation funny rooter Is rarely or never
called. He goes right on. from year to year.
making people wretched and miserable and
misanthropic.
Let's wistfully. prayerfully hope that we
doesn't cost anything to hope.
The Know-All Rooter.
Then there's the rooter who knows more
about the game than Mr.. Cantillon, Lave
Cross and people like that. He. too. can and
does send scores Of ordinary CHEEKY TT
ed men away from ball park with deep.
dark crime in their soul This boy with the
confused ego has got the bug that he's the
commander-in-chief. He takes it that the
fellows in uniform on the home clubs
bench are straw-stuffed maronettes or
Stoughton bottles who don't know how to
play bean-bag. He's got 1t all plated out
In his mind that they're Just walking
around trying to lose in time enough to en-
able them to get home for dinner. So he
tells them-tells them in raucous, stri-
dent. bleating. horrible, tympanum- busting
bawl-just what to do. He tells them tust
when to lay 1t down or line it out He ad-
vises when the proper moment has arrived
to execute the squeeze play. He counsels
them when to steal. He tells 'em every
thing. The game is Just the primer in big
letters for him. He knows more about it
than Ned Hanlon ever dreamed OF. knowing.
He takes it sorely to heart when the home
players don't do just as he tells 'em. He
looks like somebody abused when they do It
the other way. He knows burned well, so he
does-and says so-that IL the team. had
done it just his way last year they'd have
finished in the first division for pipe He's
the instructor, all right. What he doesn't
know about the coaching gag when 1t
comes to inside ball could be inscribed
under the left wing of a dwarf gnat
A depressing. soul-searing rooter, this
boy too. Let's take another little excursion
into the free domain Of hope and root that
he will not be with us in any apprecia BILE
numbers this year.
The Knocking Rooter.
The rooter who picks on certain individual
players of the home club of whom he
doesn't himself approve belongs also on the
index expurgatorius. There's deal of bile
in this rooter's system. He Is possessed
with fixed dislike for some certain player
of the home club, say. Well, that settles
It, It's all of with that certain player, so
far as he's concerned. He can't see that
player with a lens as big as Homestead
blast-furnace stack. and he -desires-in fact,
degands-everybody to know It That