Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1907-02-17
PATHOLOGICAL
PLATITUDES

Do you really know how rare the man
Is who does not like to talk about his all
ments? Reliable statistics have proved
that he is Just one out of every seven thou
sand three hundred and eighty-four. He
alone OF all that congress OF mortas re-
CARDS his aches and pains. his symptoms
and his remedies, as private matters. of in
terest only TO himself and his physician
All oil the other 1856 are obsessed with
the notion that the whole world hangs
upon the reports OF their health like a
crowd around the baseball bulletin in
front Of newspaper Office. They are en-
tirely honest about the matter, because
they do not think about It. II they thought
1t out and still persisted in prating of
pills and plasters and pains they would
ne eds be regarded as hopeless cyclists who
love themselves even at the expense OF the
peace OF the world
Really, at the bottom of the heart of each
of these publicity patients is a notion that
he is helping suffering humanity. He is
wiling to endure In. recollection the ago
MES of his own disease in order that some
other person may be spared. Just how he
never quite figures out to an exactness
He may tout off some sure cure doctor-his
own dose-mixer is always the best In seven
states,-or he may run In clever line of
advertising for a dead-certain dope that
can be procured at bargain rates at certain
drug stores. But his chief aim in life Is
to tell you how very sick he was. in order
that when you have a touch of the same
brand OF trouble you will recognize it as a
feeble imitation.
Just why the human interest OF these
post-morbid preachments is so very keen to
women Is an interesting PSYCHOLOGICAL
question Perhaps 1t is because women en-
low health a rula han Co
because women have fewer conversational
safety valves than men. Maybe there are
deep, occult reasons. which the mental sci
entists are able to define. Anyhow ii Is a
fact that when two three women are
assembled they have three ever-flled reser-
voirs of language ready to tap at the first
chance, servants. dress and health. and
the largest of these, with the greatest head
of power, is health.
Our own personal opinion on this subject
is, of course. valueless being somewhat
masculine, but it may be given, neverthe-
less. for what 1t is worth 1t is this. that
in a sewing circle of fourteen women when
one has the floor excusively-this is a
championship feat-and is telling how very
near death she was last fall when she had
that last attack of somethingitis, there are
just thirteen who are thinking about like
this:
plain case Of Mysteries bet anything
Never in the. least danger. Just wait till
l get chance to tell how sick l was in
November and watch their eyes bulge"
Now these women do not mean to be
skeptical or severe on their suffering sis
tiers. They are simply suspicious by virtue
of a subconscious realization of their own
proneness to cxaggeration.
They do say that good liars seldom make
good listeners.
Life is SO well filled with unpleasant
things that it would seem though men
and woulen--would naturally turn to tire
pleasant topics for their talks There are
a great many jolly lines of converse zion
far better than the weather, the Thaw
trial, the latest disaster of land or sea or
the latest symptom Of disease. But I'M
fortunately few people know how to make
talk out of the merry, wholesome. beautiful
factors of existence. Few of us know how
to express our own thoughts such sub
jects. We can knock right and left with
but hesitH tion or preparation. but We have
lost the knack of tossing a bouquet pre-
cisely or gracefully. What this country or
ours needs today, along with several hunsE
bred thousand other things. is a richly
endowed system Of institutions for train
ing the conversational powers. Mr.. Car
negie Is giving away libraries by the score
to train the people how to read and think.
Who will come forward and found chain
of schools to teach men and women how to
talk? We are In a bad way In these United
States of ours, sad way in the matter of
our daily discourse. what with our pro-
family and our exaggerations. our weather
drivel and our personal health bulletins.
our banalities and our brutalities. We need
a doctor to treat our tongues for their
esa seless, pointless' frIitless w YpR
Who qualities? UNCLE JASPER.