Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1907-10-12
THE GENTLE KNOCKER
+ was during the intermission at the

vaudeville. The carroty- haired wom-
an directly In front of us-the one
with the wart on her forehead and the
crinkly-lettucy ears. as viewed from be-
hind-was expressing some views to the
woman with her, the latter being fat and
obviously agreeable to any line of con-
versation.
There's that chattery Mrs. Imabird
over there by the box. said the carroty
| haired one. "Of all the blowers! Did you
ever hear her. blow about her husband?
Oh. yes. he's good-looking enough, In a
| big. fat. lummoxy sort of way; but, to
| hear her, you'd think he was the hand
soonest creature on the face Of the globe,
deed you would! Well, I'm not envying
these silly things that blow about their
good looking husbands-they're welcome
to en- I'd like to see the inside of a
| woman's head that bankers for good
looking husband. deed I would. There
never was a good looking husband yet that
wasn't the sefishest beast! A woman can
get some good out of a homely husban I'D.
but 1 d like to see the woman that can do
single, solitary thing with one OF these
numbering. loutish, handsome husbands!
Lots of good that Imabird woman
handsome husband does her! Everybody
knows that he's perfect hog and that he
spends every bit of the velvet money that
he gets a-hold Of on clothes for himself.
while she. the poor, humble, mild-man-
| nered little thing. never has rag to her
back. No wonder he's ashamed to go out
with her-you never see them together
I've often tod the silly creature how ev-
erybody talks about the way he dresses
and the miserable buds that he provides
her with. But what dyou s'pose she
says? Why, that her husband has to
wear good clothes on account Of the bus-
ness he's in, which requires him to meet
up with nice folks, and all that KIND OF
drivel. Can you imagine woman beng
course. Mrs. Imabird is as homely as a
plate of pancakes herself, and I guess
that's one of the answers Did you ever
notice how these hideously ugly women
manage to get hold Of good-looking hus-
bands while really good-looking women
usually manage to marry perfect pie
faces7 But, anyhow. Mrs. 1mabird Is ter
rib,y plain, and of course she's just Wor-
rying day and night for fear that she
going to lose her good-looking husoano.
She Just can't sleep for fear that some
other woman Is going to take him away
from her, and Of course he knows that
she's crazy over him, and he takes
advantage of knowing this to puiiy
and boss her around as II she was the
dirt beneath his feet. I'd Just like to have
a picture postal Of the man I'd be afraid
of losing, deed 1 would. I wouldn't care
if he was as handsome as Jim Hickey,
whoever he was, If he dared to try to
sp,lnk up to me on account Of his looks
I'd trim him, deed l would! Ia take II
out of him!
why, If that Imabird man stays out
ten minutes later than his usual time to
get home from the Office she's in perfect
panic OF fear that he's picked up and run
away Whenever Imabird says anything
she looks up into his eyes as II he was an
oracle. 1t positively Is enough to make
anybody sick to see the way that woman
defers to that man. And you ought to
hear her! Can you imagine woman say
ing anything so frightfully debasing as
that her husband could have married any
one of a thousand immensely wea thy
women. but that he picked her out IN
spite of her poverty? OF course, That s
herself, but I really don't believe she
meant it that way. for you can see your
self that she has face that would stop
a steamboat, and Imabird must have been
suffering from snowblindness When ne
married her, don't you think2
Yes, and fine time of it she has with
him. for all her worry about him! Ev-
erybody knows that he's just pulling the
wool over her eyes, for he's away from
home as often as twice a week OF nights,
and he tells her. of course. that he goes
to his lodge; but we all know all about
that lodge business-everybody except
MS Imabird, Of course. and she never
suspects a thing. the poor. crack-brained
creature.
"Imabird, as I say spends every cent
he can rake and scrape in adjoining him
self, and he never gives her one penny.
know that she never has cent, because
the other day when 1 met her downtown
and we came home together on the car
she offered to pay the fare and dug around
in the bottom of her pocketbook SO long
that I could just see that 1t was bluff
and that she didn't have dime to pay
the fare with. So. Just to make sure, l
pretended that I didn't have anything
but a ten-dollar bill, and then I just lean
ed over and watched her while she f1oun-
dered around with her fingers in her
empty pocketbook. Finally she had to
come right out and own up to 1t that she
didn't have a cent, and then she tried to
make me believe that she'd left her money
at home. l paid her fare then, Of course.
but 1 showed her up all right, and I
guess she won't be so blowy with me in
the future.
Il know all about these handsome hus-
bands, and you can have 'em, and well
comet My husband looks like valentine,
| and I know it-please don't deny 1t and
try to tell me that he's quite fair looking
He's just as homely as something the cat
dragged In. but he's good husband. even
! If don't ever let him think so-that's the
sure way to ruin husband, to commend
him for anything he does, no matter how
| liberal-and 1 wouldn't trade him for all
of these male pretties that look like
clothing-store dummies from here to Ana
costa and back, deed I wouldn't!'