Middlebury register. (Middlebury, Vt.) 1886-1937, 1907-11-15
The Ballad Of the Gentleman
Chauffeur.


Which was driven by Clarence Muntgum-
merry Dare
st. Josephine Percival Fink.
THE stakes they is seven cold million a |
side.
An we weighs in at nine thousand
pound.
An eighty-four elephant power apiece
Is our cars, which is new ones with plen-
ty O. grease,
An with spikes on the wheels all
around.
1.-THE roofs O. this race is eggscitin' an
We must cover jest four thousand
mile.
An durin' the run (Which our time must
be good
We must hit every movable thing that
we could,
An whatever we hits we must ppile.
1--WE has long schedule made out for
the race
By which we must each keep score.
The Teller that runs down a chicken
counts one.
A dog fggers two for them CANNES can
rum,
While cat, which is harder, is four.
"Old women we counts at one-ffth of
pint,
Bein' feeble an slow in their gait.
With old men, at first, we don't know
what to do;
But we finally fggers that five shall count
two;
Young women we reckons at eight.
young men they is fggered at ten
pints apiece,
AS they're agile, an harder to kill;
An children, regardless o color or
height,
Is figgered at nine if they're slaughtered
outright,
AT seven if crippled with skill.
"a horse an a rider we reckons at
twelve;
At fifteen a carriage an horse.
At twenty a ambulance, empty, we'd
score;
With patients inside it is figgered as
Depends on the patients o course.
"a weddin' is ninety, provided that is,
We don't miss the groom an the bride.
The minister figgers as one or two more;
An ushers they run up between three an
four;
Hack drivers we reckons outside.
"a ice-cart is 'leven, water-cart ten
In the score of this sportsmanlike ride.
a peddler is seven, fruit vender eight,
A trolley car seventy if up to-date;
An we figger the people inside.
but funeral takes forty-nine from the
score,
For, as Clarence so aptly observes:
''To run down slow an methodical
hearse
Is so unsportsmanlike, might even say
worse.
It's cinch to get up to sech curves"
He stops an he roominates sorrowful
like,
Contemplate days that had went.
"Ah, ha, he said softly, but that was
race !"
He inserted a gold cigaroot in his face
An smiled in reminiscent content.
"Who won that eggsciting an sportman-
like race"
81 asks him with interest-"Who? ?"
81 should have" he says, "But didn't,
says he.
Toward the finish my score was nine
hundred an three,
While his'n was eight eighty-two.
'At four mile minute I'm pilin' along
When funeral gifts in my way;
Though | holers an boots, an l twists,
turns an toots,
An does sev'ral flip flaps that surely was
beauts,
Yet piles the whole thing in the bay.
81 lost seven millions by jest fifteen
p'ints;
Still my great reputation was made,
Of gentlemen chauffeurs | now am the
best,
Por yesterday Clarence was knocked
galley-west,
And he sleeps now, alas in the shade.
''I'll tell you the way of his sudden de-
mise:
He was crowdin' along in the night,
When he SEES large cart. In his sports
manlike play
He determines to smear it along the high
way,
But alas 1t contains dynamite.
Them low, common people" he says in
disgust,
"For our rights amt got no respect,
What right had that Teller to have dyna-
mite
Where Clarence could hit it? l ask you
What right?
Them fellers had ought to be checked"
Then into the,"Rosy Hereafter" he clumb
And madly away then he tore,
He runs over father an one other hog,
An fricassees chickens an ruins the dog,
An we amt never seen him no more.
Oh. he came along in ottomobeel,
die called it the Rosy Hereafter }
An told me this tale while | filled UP his
tanks
With juice from the well ian he paid me
in thanks,
An he told it with horrible laughter!
Attention: Sons of Veterans.
Fred +. Terrill of Burlington, Vt. the