Evening journal. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1907-1913, 1907-11-18
A SUPPOSITI0NAL
CASE.
BY MAX ApELER

One of our lawyers, Mr.. Simms, had !
visit recently from a man named
Buddy. Mr.. Buddy entered the office
upon crutches, and his face was COW
cred with Commissions, so that he look
ed as il he had emerged from terrific
conflict with an antagonist who had
won a complete victory. Placing hia
crutches against the table and seating
himself very carefully in the chair Mr..
Buddy said:
MIR. Simms, jus dropped in to see
you to git little advice on point
Of law in which I'm interested, and
I'd be much obleeged If you'd tell me
exactly what my rights in the matter
are. III put it in this way; S'pose'n
you were to marry wilder. under the
idea that she was an angel--that she
was so sweet that barrel of sugar
was mere bitterness alongside of her:
and s'pose'n after you were CONSOLE
dated with her you were to find out
that she had temper like she wild.
cat, and an unconquerable custom of
banging you oger the head with skill
lets or most anything that came handy,
SO that you didn't know what minute
she'd git her mad up and skeer you
pretty near to death.
Now. s'pose'n this wilder and you
was to disagree about little matter
of chewing terbacker in the house and
trying to spit in the stove, and she
was to up and tell you-in your own
house, mind you--that If you KEEP aim
ing at that stove and missing 1t she'd
warm you up with broom-handle or
the like; and you We're to say that
you'd chew where you'd a mind to,
and that while 1t was free country,
you'd hit the stove or miss II jus as
you pleased.
And s'pose'n one word brought on
another, until she got on terrific
rampage. and come at you and tried
to snatch out your hair; while you
grabbed her by the wrists and held her
so she couldn't. And then spose'n
while you were rassling with her you
was to get the best of it SOS she
couldn't do anything but have the
Mysteries and scream. and you all the
time afraid to let go lest she'd hustle
you out through the winder.
Now, spose'n that wilder had a
dog which belonged to her first hns
band, and would rather bite you than
not, and all of a sudden she was to
holler for that dog, and he was to
come bouncing into the room. and, see
ing the widder's situation, was to take
hold of mouthful of your right leg,
and shake it as though he was going
to bite it loose before he left; and the
widder all the time sieking him on and
encouraging him to help himself with
out any regard for your feelings. And
s'pose'n when you let go of her to
tackle the dog she should bang you
with the scrubbing brush until you
looked's IL you'd been ground up in a
bark-mill, and then wouldn't call off
the dog until you hollered enough.
"S'pose'n all this, what l want to
know is, can't you sue that wilder for
assault and battery, and get an in
came to see you about, whether you've
got to stand having your leg chewed
and your head smashed with a scrub
bing-brush, or whether this great and
free governments going to protect its
defenseless citizens, ! want to know
how it is.'
Mr.. Simms looked very solemn for
a moment, as II contemplating the
problem carefully, and then he said:
Il don't really see that the law can
do anything in such case, Mr.. Buddy.
If the man married the widow he be-
came part owner of the dog, and it
was, therefore, in fact his own dog
that assaulted him. Besides that as
a man and his wife are one flesh, the
widow has a partnership interest in
the mans leg, and when she set the
dog upon 1t she was really encourag-
ing the animal to mutilate her own
property. No action can be against a
person who induces her own dog to bite
her own leg, nor will the law give her
redress if she batters her own head
with her own hands, for the wife who
strikes her husband really strikes her
SELF
You don't mean to say" exclaimed
Mr.. Buddy, in a blaze of indignation,
that is the law of this land, of this
very country where our forefathers
bled for liberty! You don't actually
mean to tell me that red-headed
wilder, with a liver-colored dog, can
actually make that dog gnaw a mans
leg into sausage-meat while she
trounces him with club, and that he
can't chuck her into jail for it; that
he's got to stand up and take it,"
I'm afraid he has" said Simms,
with sad smile.
Well, then" said Buddy, rising and
selling his crutches, that just lets
me out as far as this idiotic land is
concerned. I'm going to quit. If wild
ders are to be allowed to carry on as
if men had no rights, I'll emigrate and
hunt up some country where enlighten-
ed civilization don't allow widders to
live. Let's see, it's India, isn't it,
where they kill the wilder when her
first husband dies? Well, that's where
H. -. - I