davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Courier Democrat. (Langdon, N.D.) 1891-1920, 1907-12-26
Humor ana Philosophy
BY DUNCAN M. SMITH
PERT PARAGRAPHS.

Yo-l can't ever tell the artistic tenn
permanent or do anything else with it.
You can always find plenty of help to
be either happy or miserable.
Highway robbery is almost as re-
spectacle as highway snobbery.
A seeing society tour requires motor
car, steam yacht and the services of a
megaphone chaperon.
A modern menu card may be pleas
ant reading, but it is no guidebook to
health.
There is nothing like taking chances
except losing them.
When in a gambling proposition it is
considered by4ane people luckier to be
unlucky.
A man pays much more heed to his
conscience If he thinks the police are
looking.
Marriage is a lottery in which there
are no blanks, but sometimes there are
blankety-blankety blanks.
The means Of some people are so ar
dfcial as to be absolutely questionable.
Courier Democrat. (Langdon, N.D.) 1891-1920, 1907-12-26

Worrying Him.
Oh, papa,
See
The octopus!
The creature
VIRTUES in pain.
The folks
Are SO
Unkind, I fear
He will not stand the strain.
The government
Is after him
With vengeance
In its eye.
And it
Is very rough indeed
For n
So frail
And shy.
His tentacles
That used to wrap
Almost
Around the world
Are now
Drawn in
Quite modestly,
And most of them are furled.
AIlu since
He isn't
Bad at heart
I'd really
Like to know
Why any
Cruel government
Should treat
The darling
So.
I fear
That they
Will break his heart
If out they do not look.
But he'll
Survive,
Because
No fine
Can break
His pocketbook.
Courier Democrat. (Langdon, N.D.) 1891-1920, 1907-12-26
Thrown over.

Thrown Over.
Tess-Why, Bess used to be hand in
glove with him.
Tom-Say rather hand In mitten."
She gave him the latter and withdrew
the Observation-Disclosures Press.
Courier Democrat. (Langdon, N.D.) 1891-1920, 1907-12-26
Up Against It..

Man Of the House-You will get a
mark after you have cut the wood.
Beggar-Yes. and get fined 2 marks
by the Beggars' union, eh? Not much.
-~Fliegende Batter.
Courier Democrat. (Langdon, N.D.) 1891-1920, 1907-12-26

None Such.
81 want q husband who is perfectly
safe and sane on all SUBJECTS"
"Poor thing"
Meaning whom?"
"You."
"Just why, pray?"
perpetual spinsterhood is yours"
Courier Democrat. (Langdon, N.D.) 1891-1920, 1907-12-26
A Grammarian

A Grammarian.
''That horse thief over there is a great
stickler for correct English"
HE isl"
eyes. He always finds fault with
the judges sentences."-New York
Journal.
Courier Democrat. (Langdon, N.D.) 1891-1920, 1907-12-26
Cancer, Tumor, 0oIfre

Piles. F4stula, Rupture. Varicocele and en-,
larged tubefcular glands treated and cured
by the Hypodermic Methods. This treatment
consists Of injecting s, fluid into the growth
that kills the parts successfully. So SUCCESS
full is this reatment that the worst can be
cured. There are only four other doctors in
the United States using this treatment
Consultation and examination. &.
Courier Democrat. (Langdon, N.D.) 1891-1920, 1907-12-26

Good Boy.
It seems that Washington, besides
A brave and nervy fighter,
Was quite a hand to dodge his tax,
According to one writer.
Hurrah for foxy Uncle George!
His halo shines the brighter.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1907-08-08
UNRECoGNrzED CRISES.

In noting the career of Justice A.
W. Benson. the Salina Journal points
out that the turning point in mems
lives are often insignificant in them
selves and seem trivial at the time.
Judge Benson. whose recent appoint
ment to the supreme bench of the
state fulhlls an ambition of years
standing, would never have attained
1t, nor would he have been a United
States senator for the brief period that
he was. had he not put aside his per-
sonal inclinations and obeyed the sum-
mons of his neighbors to represent
them in the legislature of 1905, a COM
paratively insignificant service for a
man of Judge Benson's qualifications.
Judge Benson settled in Ottawa
some thirty years ago and was elevated
to the district bench. where he served
for twelve years and could have re-
manned longer had he consented to do
so. He had quiet ambition to serve
on the supreme bench. 1t is said that
at one time he could have had the
nomination for congress in the Second
district in place of E. H. Funston, but
he refused to consider 1t.
I'm 1904" relates the Salina Jour
nal. a controversy grew up in the
Benson lived over the nomination of a
candidate for the legislature,and with
out the judges knowledge or consent,
and apparently without any premedi-
tation on the part of the convention,
he was nominated for the legislature.
When he heard of 1t. he promptly de-
clined, but the convention had ad-
5ourned and nothing was done by the
county committee to fill the vacancy
and so when the time came to certify
the nominations. that the names might
appear on the ballot. he was persuaded
to permit his nomination to stand and
he was elected, much against his will
'In the legislature that followed. he
showed such marked ability and rem
dered such valuable service to the
state that he attracted unusual atten-
ton and received much favorable COM
ment from all the newspapers. Gov
ernor Hoch. in one of his effervescent
moods. publicly declared that IL a
vacancy occurred on the supreme
bench he would fill ii by the appoint
ment of Judge Benson. The vacancy
occurred. but Benson was not APP
pointed, Silas Porter being named The
second vacancy occurred, but Benson
was not chosen, Judge Graves OF EN-
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1907-08-08

poria being favored. Then Senator
Burton resigned and Benson was
greatly surprised. after Coburn had
refused the appointment, to receive a
telephone message from Governor
Hoch rendering the position of United
states senator. which he accepted,
though he frequently stated to his
intimate friends that he would much
rather have received the appointment
as member of the supreme court
than as United States senator,
IF he had persisted in his refusal to
go to the legislature he would now
have been practically unknown to the
people of the state and would not have
been either senator or supreme court
justice. The real crisis in his life was
the convention that practically forced
him to go to the legislature. How lit
tie did he realize the results of that
nomination
The crises in mems lives Outlines
come at unsupported moments. Old
Opportunity is frequently disguised
beyond recognition. 1t often turns
out. however that doing the duty near
est at hand is the surest way of making
the best of ones career.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1907-08-08
JOURNAL ENTRIES

Trusts are a great deal like coyotes.
There is a law intended to kill off the
coyotes, but they are increasing in num-
Der right along.
y \ n
The optimist recalls that these hot
days are good for the corn, but very few
of US are optfmists to that extent.
n y
Perhaps you have wondered where all
the goats come from who butt into
your affairs. Well, an Ottawa man is
feeding bunch OF 600 to turn loose on
the market.
= y y
An admirer of Bill Doolittle threatens
to stop his paper unless this depart
ment stops ridiculing Bill. Yet Bill him
self is firm friend of this department.
If only his name gets into print, Bill
doesn't care for anything else.
n =
1t takes a mighty smart man to cut
any ice these days: There isn't any ice.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1907-08-08

their townsman's assistance and fell
upon Bogner bearing him to his knees
but not before he had raised the old
cry OF Hey RUDE" and others of the
circus crew had come running around
the corner of the tent.
Ten minutes later a dozen badly
thrashed youths were stealing from
the lot mounting loud threats of ven
geance and Ben was kneeling beside
Bessie, who had tainted in the excite
ment.
A dash of water brought her around
and she smiled up into the white face
bonding over her own.
I'm all right" she whispered. 1T
was just scared, not hurt"
I'm hurt" he answered back. "I'fn
hurt in the heart, Bess. I didn't know
It until that young Cool tried to kiss
you, but then was wise that L loved
you. Can you ever forgive me for be-
ing such a brute. dear? You were all
SC much part Of my life that didn't
know loved you. VIII you forgive
me, dear? VIII you always ride with
ME through life?"
"After the way you treated me, I
don't see how you can expect me to
say yes" she said family.
81 don't" he admitted with de-
spair.
"But I'm going to-" she added, as
Bogner turned away. 81 think you've
had your lesson"
IT guess have" declared Ben. 'I
won't need to have it rubbed in,
neither. copyrighted. 1907, by NJ.
M. Cunningham
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1907-08-08
KANSAS COAAENT
THE WOMEN.

II there we're no women, men would
nave no object in life; their mustaches
Wonio cease to interest them; they
wonId not care a Chinaman whether
their collars were ironed or not; they
would nave nobody to nurse them when
they had the toothache, or to keep
tnem from believing they were going
10 ole when an old-fashioned stomach
acne mad the grip upon them There
would he nobody to take for ice
cream m, and no small edition of flesh
ana blood to hug. There would be no.
pooy 10 tight against being kissed and
tnen take to it as natural as a cat does
10 crea m Most important of all, there
would be nobody to write against, to
complain of and to love with all your
heart and soul. Without her man
would never get to heaven and without
tnem they would never have taste of
the other place on earth. So If man
mas any sense whatever, he will put
MS arm around the woman he is the
fondest of, thank the Lord for her,
and wonder, as she does, what in the
world he would without her.-Spring
Hill New Era.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1907-08-08
aAYHA WKER .IOTS

If the war scare can be held in
check for another month, Tom Cordry
thinks perhaps an early frost will kill
it.
Out at Grainleld a farmer harrows
a strip sixty feet wide each time he
Eoes across the field An engine does
The Leavenworth Post cautions
Uncle Sam to leave the match trust
alone while he is monkeying with the
powder trust.
The Lawrence Journal says: ITO
peka is excited over a mysterious pa
per called the Red Rag The Jour
nal is color blind. It's the Pink Rag.
Speaking of luck, two HavenviIle
men who were cleaning up a cellar
recently found two quarts of whiskey
and a quart of wine buried in an ash
heap.
The Holton clergymen are planning
a revival. There seems" says Frank
farrell, ito be no avenue of escape left
for the six Holton men who don't be
long to the church"
Joe Bristow demands that the gov
eminent take proper precautions to
see that no Jap surreptitiously takes
a photograph and makes drawings of
Captain Richmond Pearson Hobson.
eff Prof. Snow is rot content to quit
with the $4,000 new bugs he has Just
brought to the State university" says
Walter johnson, "he can doubtless
find out where he can f1Ed a good many
more by consulting any picnic party"
A Jewell county woman who had
been spending two weeks in Colorado,
discovered after starting home that
she had lost her pocketbook contain
ing 5000. The wonder is how anybody
ever had 5000 left after spending two
weeks in Colorado.
Old Dad Lummax, the heavyweight
observer of the Vinland Vine, observes
this: ''These hot days we think that
Chicago Professor who contends that
children should not wear clothes I'M
til they are ten years old has placed
the limit entirely too young"
Hutchinson offers to give it's Chau-
tauqua to Fort Scott next year. Hutch
inson finds it impossible to work up
as much enthusiasm over good lee
turer as 1t can over a man who can
shut out nine men out of every ten
when he gets in the pitchers box.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1907-08-08
QUAKER REFLECTIONS.
[From the Philadelphia Record

lfrom the Philadelphia Record
Some fellows don't get married be-
cause the girls father can't afford IT.
The fellow who prides himself upon
being sharp man may really be a
sharper.
There seem to be lots of rich fools
in spite Of the old proverb about the
fool and his money.
If it is a disgrace to die rich there
are lots of US who will spare ourselves
that disgrace anyhow.
Belle-"She sings with a great deal
of feeling" Belle-"Well, all can say
is she must be feeling pretty badly"
Blobbs-''Miss Antique asked me how
old I thought she was" Slobbs-'What
did you tell her?" Blobbs-"A lie, like
a gentleman"
MISUNDERSTANDING, Wigwag, 1 sup
pose YOU can't lend me $40, can your"
Wigwag-''H arduppe, you are one of
the most accurate supposers know"
Mrs. WiRwag-"Your husband COM
plains that you can't give him any in
sense! 1 let him sew on all his own
buttons"
Maude's Mamma-"Aren't you asham-
ed of yourself to let that young man
kiss your" Maude-"But mother, I
was just going to tell him he couldn't
when he did"
Mrs. Muggins-"Does your husband
make you a regular allowance?" Mrs.
uggins-"No, he gives me as much as
ciousi Is that alI?"
Mr. Newlywed-''Pass me a biscuit.
please" Mrs. Newlywed-"I made
these myself" Mr.. Newlywed-"Ah.
now I know what the Bible means by
asking for bread and getting a stone"
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1907-08-08
POINTED PARAGRAPHS.
IRON the Chicago News.I

Laziness If often mistaken for pa
thence.
There is nothing more unsatisfactory
than an unkissed kiss.
No man is as dangerous as he thinks
some woman thinks he is.
If a man sleeps in church he doesn't
necessarily dream of heaven.
When the star boarder marries the
landlady he becomes a fixed star.
Perhaps faint heart ne'er won fair
lady because 1t is partial to brunettes.
When a mother tells the truth about
her children she whispers 1t to herself.
Many a man would rather lie when
asked for information than say II don't
know"
When a married man doesn't find
fault with his breakfast it's sign that
his wife is away from home.
Men may be as deceitful as women
In some things, but no man ever pre-
tends to be having good time when
he isn't.
A wornan's egotism has reached the
limit If when she walks out she mag
ines that all the men going in the same
direction are following her.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1907-08-08

| stockbroker, whose mind was always
full of business. was asked a few days
| he, abstractedly. hes quoted at eighty.
| but there is every prospect that he will
reach par and possibly be at premium.
Doctor-Now. don't worry whatever you
ford to worry. Avoid all company Of any
kind, drink nothing whatsoever. and on
the eS togfh be meat asls ana cs as5 Bg
erals of three patients
.Friend-Can't you give me a tip on
| stocks?
Broker-Yes: but in consideration of our
long friendship, I won't.-Town and Coun-
try.
What did he furnish?"
THE air that the building displaced
Louisville Courier-Journal.
Skrappy-Darn this hot weather. I'd
about as soon be dead as live in such a
Mrs. skrappy-You'd better leave well
enough alOne.-Brooklyn Eagle.
But he is a man who doesn't seem to
Say, If you want to get over that Idea
invite him out to lunch some day."-Chi-
cago Record-Herald.
by what means shouted the preacher.
do our society ladies cross the river that
BRIDGE! answered the lean-faced man
whose wife had stayed home to figure up
guessing Magazine. was sun
His face was drawn" said the author.
vised the publisher. We're going to IL
lustrate the book with haIf-tones.'-
Washington Herald.
- woman makes a great change in a
Yes, and she takes a great deal of
patch
Softly-Pd have you understand, sir that
I'm N not such a fool as look.
nal
Chollie-The idea of a man sending a
business. letter with a P. s.
Ghappie-Doosid bad form. surely.
In this case IT means please Settle
Philadelphia Inquirer.
Diner-You had a first class cook when
I was here before. Is she still here?
Waiter-No; the boss married her
Terre Haute Tribune.
us Pat on shtrike?"
Yes; he Shtruck for more pay, thin he
shtruck tn boss. thin he shtruck a cop
per, an now he's shtrikin' shtones at
Joliet. Tribune.
Don't you think you ought to improve
your city by putting up some big public
buildingsT'
We're afraid to. You see, we've gone
the limit in providin' a punishment fur
hoss-stealin: We couldn't find nothin'
to fit graft. Washington Star.
80 your husband is very fond of ami
mails Mrs. Youngbride?'
Yes, but we haven't any pets at home
because he thinks the care of them would
be too much for me-
But he really likes them"
"Oh, yes; there's a little kitty at the
club he's just devoted to."-Baltimore
American.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1907-08-08
GLOBE SIGHTS.
IFrom the Atchison Globe.1


We have noticed that there Is some
thing the matter with everybody.
Changing your banker is as delicate
a matter as changing your mflkman.
The only man for whom a preacher
has to take a back seat is very new
bridegroom.
AS a matter Of fact, isn't 1t true that
time to think?
The men are as uncomfortable in the
presence of agents as women are in the
presence of mtlliners-
What has become of the old-fashion-
ed man who said that horse able to
roll over twice was worth $500?
The love story that breaks off before
it reaches the altar is usually the most
interesting to the neighbors, as much
as they enjoy a wedding
We are sorry there are not stores
where groceries, dry goocs. clothing
meat, etc. may be had free; but how
about the rights of the merchants?
Church White says nothing knocks
him off his feet, row that he has reach
ed an age of discretion, except to be
called uncle" or grandpa"
No matter who is to blame. when
the women hear of another woman
who cooks over a wood fre at this
season, they decide she has a mean
husband.
We issue the Globe a little earlier
than usual this afternoon: there, is a
travelling man in town. and we are
anxious to sit down with him, and
hear his Jokes.
The attention of the Equal Suffrag-
lists is called: When a farmer can't
get hands, he gets his daughter to
come into the fields, but when a woman
can't get help in cooking food for the
threshers. does rhe draft her sons?
For the Lancaster Literary society to
debate: Would a country that was set
tied by men who rode into 1t In auto
mobiles, show as rapid development and
progress as the country shows that
was settled by men who rode into 1t
in OK wagons?
1t isn't the financial cost-that leads
men to refuse to let their wives go
away ON trips. as the women imagine:
1t is the aggrieved feeling wife is
bound to acquire. If her husband
writes for her to stay away longer, she
doesn't like it. and if he urges her to
come home she doesn't like it, There
fore. thoughtful husbands have decid-
ed not to let their wives go.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1907-08-08
GOOD TIMES ON THE Way,

When I wuz lookin' solemn
Maria'd allus say:
They amt no use In grievin'-
Good times air on the way!
Thar'H be more cash for cotton
More taters, corn an hay;
A brighter day is breakin'-
Good times air one the wayr'
To save my sould 1 never
Gould glimpse that brighter day;
But still she'd sing forever:
Good times air on the wayf"
An yit, they comet An, fe1lers,
had no word to sayI
But now I've fined the chorus:
Good times are on the wayr,
Atlanta Constitution.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1907-08-08

Isn't this about the limit? Mar
guerite Magill has received an offer
from some theatrical manager to go
on the stage. Marguerite Magill is the
nineteen-year-oId daughter of Fred
Magill, who, with his newly-acquired
bride, has just been taken from Cali
fornia back to Clinton, Ill, to answer
TO the charge of poisoning his first
wife. The daughter has thus acquired
some notoriety. which has led to the
theatrical offer. There is no pretense
that she is an actress.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1907-08-08
REELECTIoNs or A BACHELOR
[From the New York Press.l

IF'rom the New York Press-1
Many people make living by not
writing poetry.
A boy has a great deal OF sense to
begin with to come out of college with
any.
When a woman says she hasn't any
clothes she means some other woman
has more.
A summer hotel is fine place to get
an appetite for good things to eat when
you go home.
is SO afraid people might suspect II that
he pretends he did 1t.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1907-08-08
HOME NEWS WHILE AWAY.

Subscribers of the State Journal
away during the summer may have
the paper mailed regularly each day
TO any address at the rate of ten cents
a week or thirty cents a month (by
mail only. Address changed as often
as desired. While out OF town the
State Journal will be to you like
daily letter from home.
Advance payment is requested on
these short time subscriptions, to save
bookkeeping expense.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1907-08-08

his neighbors with esteem and vener-
alton may well be proud. Some men
cannot even be mentioned for an Of
fee except by going away from home
where they are not known. Then
when the news of the mention" gets
around to their neighbors. the latter
smile a broad. fat grin.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1907-08-08

Vice President Archbold thinks it is
q remarkable coincidence that Judge
lands decision should be followed
Immediately by a government report
showing the tremendous profits of the
Standard. There are so many moves
against the Standard these days, how
ever, that it was impossible for the
government to dodge all of them.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1907-08-08

Here Is another one: Mrs. Catherine
Gilligan, who recently died in New
York at the age of 1O7. ascribed her
longevity to her habit of eating onions
at every meal and her refusal to wor-
~ about anything. She never tasted
m4fYicfne
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1907-08-08

Secretary Wellhouse of. the State
Horticultural society. estimates this
years apple crop at Y per cent of a
full crop. Now, If we knew what a
full crop is we would have some idea
how many apples there will be this
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1907-08-08
-
WHAT 1T DEPENDS ON.

You viii find that the sensible. lady
!lke girl who lives in the country will
pc sensible. lady-like girl in the city.
Likewise, the sensible, lady-like girl
from the city will be the same thing
In the country But the silly simple
ton IN Inc country will be silly sim
pleton in the city, and vice versa. 1t
depends on the condition of the head
IN either city or country.-Osborne
Farmer.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1907-08-08

Governor Hoch has named Fred
Lewis. of Marion, as one of Kansas
representatives at the Tennessee Old
Homecoming in Nashville next
month. More evidence that the gov
ernor is giving all the good jobs to
Marion men
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1907-08-08

Senator Foraker refuses to believe
that one William H. Taft is Ohio's
only favorite son, Notwithstanding the
assurance which the Ohio Republi-
can state committee gives that he is.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1907-08-08

In referring to recent political
events in Ohio, the Los Angeles Elk
press speaks of "Foraker's bad
break" Yet Foraker's friends assure
as that the endorsement of Taft by
the Ohio state committee puts Taft
out of the running for president. Fun
ny how people will differ about these
fhfnpSl
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1907-08-08

Kentucky Republicans are inclin-
ing to Taft instead of to Fairbanks.
Fairbanks ought to sidetrack that
cocktail yarn and get a mint julep
story started on himself If he wants to
stand well with Kentucky.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1907-08-08

If any corporation has been receiv-
ing rebates from the railroads, it's a
fairly safe guess that it quit the prac-
tice with great immediateness on
reading the papers last Saturday af-
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1907-08-08

Up to the hour of going to press an
unappreciative nation has not re-
sponded to Senator Foraker's invita-
ton for it to urge him to become a
presidential candidate.