The Montgomery advertiser., 1907-01-27
MR. COOLEY ONTHE ARMY CAN7EEN
Copyright. Iso7, by H. H. Mcclure . Co. Inc.

EuIrunN0IHl0lEuHu uNuEu B1iF0uNmHl brave fellow. can't get annything stronger without desertin,'. he says
 An they wint down to Washington to see tn Congressmen. Ye know what a Congressman is. I've made a few right here in this barroom. Tn on'y
 thing a Congressman isn't afraid iv is- tn on'y thing I'd be afraid iv. an that
 Is iv bein' a Congressman. An tn
 thing he's most afraid iv Is tn ladies
 A comity iv ladies wud make Congress repeal tn ten commandments. Not thai they'd ever ask thim to. Hinn'ssy
 They'd make thim ten thousand if they had their way an mark thim; 'Fr men on'y.' But annyhow tn ladies comity wint down to washin'ton. They'd been there befure an dhriven tn
 Demon Rum firm tn resthrant into a latr in tn com.ty room. Congress-
 man came out, coughin' behind his hand. an put his handkerchief into tn northwest corner iv his coat. Ladies, says he, what can do rr yer he says. Ye must save tn array firm tn malt that biteth like a wasp an stingeth like an adder says they. Ye bet ye'er lme I will, ladies' says tn Congressman with slight hiccup. I will do as ye desire. sojer that will dhrink beer Is a disgrace to tn American jazz he says. We abolished public dhrinkin
 in tn capital he says. We done 1t to make tn Sinitors onhappy, but thim hardened tools iv predytory wealth have ordhered ink wells made In tn shape iv decanters. But he says, tn popylar branch iv tn Naytional Legis- lachure is not to be outdone. Ye see these panels on tn wall? I touch a button an out pops bottle iv Bour- ben that wud make ye'er eyes dance.
 Whoop-ee!'
 So Congress passed bill abolishin' tn canteen. An it's all right now. If sojer wants to desthroy himsilf he has to walk a block. Some iv me en- ta~prisir' calico ~res in .th' business have opened places convenient to tn Ioft where Ja So4d sons ~ .dars lh- s.esa " tn zorro 1ie r. ~"er eon get annything firm sulphuric acid to stockin' up at wholesale dhrug store knockout dhrops they come down town eli Ooaer.3 es4AeS calv iV tliIH.. A sojer gets thirteen dollars a month, we'll say. Twelve dollars he can de- vote to dhrnk an wan dollar to tn fine. Twelve times eight hundred an twelve times that-weil 'tis no small item in tn coorse iv a year. Whin tn Binivolent Assocyation iv Saloonkeep- CTS holds it's next meeting I'm goin' to propose to sind dillygates to tn Young Ladies' Christyan Timprance Union. It ought to be what tn unions call an affilyated organization"
 "Oh, we'll" said Mir. Hennessy. they thnk they're doin what's right"
 CAV, the-- nr--a" ro'z NT~ nNc'av. yen not find me defindin' tn sellin' iv dhrink to amy man anywhere. There no Wan .nats IS nlgsa. N al timprance man as man that's been in ,---- ,,-,ef~ aeS rr vea~ -'F tive atI th' fun I get out iv dhrinkin' man to
 B. ape tn 4aruupie h~Ne ti ii diif unk- ards. Drinks a poison. I don't deny 1t. I'll admit I'm no betther thin an ordhipry doctor. Both iv us gives ye something that cures ye iv tn idee that tn pain in ye'er chest Is pnoomony iv tn lungs. If 1t really is pnoomony ye go off somewhere an lie down an ovethe~ va'er~ff' 's' ---~ . "- ~ ', or tn pnoomony cures ye iv life. Dhrink niver made a man pettDer. put 1t nAs made nanny a man think he was bet ther. little iv 1t lifts ye out iv tn mud where chance has thrown ye: a little more makes ye think tn stains on ye'er coat ar-re eppylets.l q lttle more dhrops ye back into tn mud again. It's a frind to thim that ar-re cold to 1t an an inimy to those that love 1t most. It welcomes sthinI In am thrips thim as they go out! I tell ye It's a threacherous dhrug an 1t oughtn't to be given to ivry man. To get a dhrunk a man ought first to be exam med be his parish priest to see wheth- CT he needs it an how it's goin' to affect him. F"r wan man he'd write on tn prescription 'Ad lib.' as Dock O'Leary does whin he ordhers mus tard plasther f'r me; fir another he'd write: Three times a day at meals. But most people he wudden't prescribe 1t f'r at all.
 DO I blame tn ladies? Faith, do not. Ye needn't think I'm proud | iv me business. on'y took to 1t be- cause am too ianial to be mechanic an too tender hearted to be a banker or a lawyer. No. Sir. wudden't care sthraw if all tn dhrink In tn wur- ruId was dumped tomorrah into tn Atlantic Ocean. a1thouTh fir a week or two afther 1t was I'd have to get me diving suit If I wanted to see annvthing iv me frinds. Booze has always been a poplar bivrage with men, but tn ladies have niver admired 1t much. An don't wonder. How often have I sat with Hogan an ye'ersiif an rassed tn can an see ye'er wife lookin' on with puzzled eyes. Wed begin perfectly cam an sinsible, but about tn third dhrink some wan iv us wud make a remark that was about as funny as a coffin- plate an we'd burst into howls iv laughter, beat each other on tn knee, crow an gurgle with tn tears run min down our cheeks. Tn good wo- man knew tn joke was not worth tn expense iv dhreary smile. an twas not us but old King Alcohol that was | yeIlin' at 1t. Afther th' jolly we got | to tn boastfuI stage. Ye told how | ye called lawn L. Sullivan a loafer | in tn year eighty-eight, Hogan ad- mitted that whin he was eight years old he was tn best debater in tn Brothers school, an I recited a few | iv me advintures be hood an field. To | 'rd iliver o'clock somewan' mentioned tn death ,tv Bill Huggins, who passed away durfn' tn Mexican War. an we had a good weep. little later mo- ticed We were broodia' over something. Ye said nawthin' fr a while an thin We got up an ast Hogan If he meant what he said to ye while ye were waitin' to start on tn ratrick's day p'rade two years ago. At that tn good woman put down her sewin' with an alarmed face an sint ye Off to bed an tn rarty was over. Now what dye suppose ye'er wife thought aho,,t dbripk while this here game was