davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening times-Republican. [volume] (Marshalltown, Iowa) 1890-1923, 1907-07-01
JONES AND THE Telephone.
Tho Troubles Of Visitor Whose Name
IL Familiar to All.

The Troubles Of Visitor Whose Name
10 Familiar to All.
Jones Is law abiding citizen of a
nearby town, says the Kansas City
Star. He wrote to friend that he ex-
pected to visit Kansas City.
The friend, an admirer Of Jones, ac-
knowledged with pleasure the letter
and requested that advance notice of
his expected arrival be given so that
suitable preparations for entertaining
him could be made.
Jones, however, wished to surprise
his city acquaintance and did not an
nounce beforehand the date upon which
he expected to reach here. Soon after
his arrival he sought a telephone, with
this rather discouraging result:
Give me twenty-five two-twenty-
two Grand" he whispered into the
transmitter after consulting the tele-
phone directory.
"Grand toot, toot, toot, double tool"
was what he thought he heard.
NO, uO. uC S2ACIuAAuC0. ttAA NV
on grand toot, single or double"
Soon brusque voice Numbered into
the receiver, well"
'Is this Mr.. Citiman's officer meek
" inquired the bewildered Jones.
"Huh, huh!" was the brief response.
"This is Mr.. Jones of Glendale
''Mr. what7" interrupted the voice.
"Jonesv replied the visitor. "Tell
Gilman I'll be-
did you say Bones"
"Jones-Jones Of Glen
"All right, Mr.. Bones. To whom do
you wish to speak?"
"Nir. Gilman. I'm friend Of
.'He is very busy just now. Wait
moment"
pardon me. MISS" said Jones sew
eral minutes later, "but will you please
give me the Grand toot toot again and
tell the young man at the other end OF
the crossing whistle to tell Mr.. Citi-
man that Mr.. Jones Of Glendale wish
es to talk to him at least long enough
to express an opinion Of him?'
Hello! Hello, Bones
Bones be blowed! This is jones'
"spell it!'
"Spell it yourself You Just drag out
a city directory and look at the Us.
The one there's the most Of is it,
"All right" said the voice. "Call up
again in about three days. 1t will take
me that long to look up all the jays
that have their names in the direct
ory."
And Jones has retired to Glendale
with an improved opinion of that vii
lage. 1t has no telephone.
Evening times-Republican. [volume] (Marshalltown, Iowa) 1890-1923, 1907-07-01
MOST PROLIFIC JOKER.
Bermuda Enjoys Visit From Edwin
Austin Oliver.

Bermuda Enjoys Visit From Edwin
Austin Oliver.
Edwin Austin Oliver, the worlds
greatest joker, Is on visit to Bermuda
and Is staying at the Hamilton hotel,
says the Royal Gazette Of Hamilton,
Bermuda. Mr.. Oliver, it is said, has
written more jokes than any other man
In the history Of the world. He adj
mits himself that he has written about
$4,000 Jokes Mr. Oliver is the "Yon-
kers Statesman Man" Practically all
of his Jokes have been unsigned, and
the world at large knows not Of his
identity.
Many of his jokes have been trans
lated into German, French, italian and
other tongues, not to mention the fact
that they have been republished in
England.
1t would be difficult to find in the
United States a person who has not
read in some newspaper a Joke credit
ed to the Yonkers Statesman. Mr.. Oil
yer Is responsible for all of these. He
has written from six to ten jokes day,
six days week, for twenty-nine years,
with very Ittle vacation. His annual
output averages $500 jokes.
Mr.. Oliver does not resemble the fun
ny man Of more or less popular tradi-
ton. He shaves regularly and patron
ICES the haircutter at brief intervals.
He dresses correctly, not tiashily.
At the Inside inn In St Louis during
the convention of the hunorists at the
worlds fair young man from the
st. Louis Star approached Mr.. Oliver,
pad and pencil poised menacingly.
"NIr. Oliver" said the reporter. II
have been assigned to interview you.
Ah-uh-what do you consider your best
joker
The author of $4,000 jokes, who had
forgotten all of them but the one he
was then terminating, staggered slight
~ under the impact Of this query and
looked blankly at the form of tho
young reporter. Then he replied SOL
EMMY:
"You-yourself."
Pressed further, ne asked the re-
porter:
where was Moses when the light
went out?"
"In the dark" replied the young man
promptly.
well, so am l." said Oliver.
Evening times-Republican. [volume] (Marshalltown, Iowa) 1890-1923, 1907-07-01
THE BOOK Of THE FUTURE.

Suggestion For q Printed Roll Aetuated
by an Internal Spring.
At recent library association meet
ing something Of sensation was caus-
ed by the reading of paper calling
for radical reform not in the con-
tents, but in the shape and aspect Of
the modern book, says the Strand
Magazine. 1.-THE book is the one fea-
ture Of civilized life which In 1900
years has undergone no change. There
were big books at the beginning there
are big books now, folios and quartos,
although fewer than then; but, big or
little, they open in the same way, at
the same side, stitched and covered the
same, and are as cumbrous and I'M
lovely as ever. Must the vehicles Of
the worlds literature ever remain in
the stagecoach stage? Has human in
genuity said Its all when the fiat
PACED, side bound book was invent
ed?' Inspired by this perhaps South
African inventor j. r. Cummings, has
been at work upon a very novel and
interesting form Of literary vehicle"
Zone hesitates about calling it a book.
It is more nearly akin to the ancient
scrolls Of ,papyrus, actuated by an in
ternal spring, which moves the printed
sheet backward or forward at pace
regulated by the reading ability or con-
venience Of the owner. a striking fea-
ture of the device is the index arrange
ment, by which any passage of the
work Cy simple pressure on the In
dex letter can be brought instantly I'M
der revision.
Evening times-Republican. [volume] (Marshalltown, Iowa) 1890-1923, 1907-07-01
g,rna- 432eplhlcay Enars.ul'tnmu, 5nn'a snp 1907

this society shalt be to renew and per-
petuate the mental, moral and physical
youth and strength Of all its members;
to build up and continue in the highest
degree the mental vigor In each indt-
vidual member, and imperattvely re-
curing from each and every member
that he live the life of health, thereby
contributing his share In banishing the
specter of disease and death from the
face Of the earth.
ANY member who is reported sick
from any disease and so remains sick
and is confined to his bed for con-
tinuous period Of three days or more
shall be fined In sum not less than 81
or more than $40 for the first offense.
For the second offense under this arti-
Gle any member shall be suspended
from membership, and for the third Of
Tense Of any member In violation Of
this article expulsion from the society
shall be the penalty"
ALI members upon joining must sign
a pledge that he or she will continually
assert that there liz nothing but custom
and habit or thought that causes peo-
pie to be sick, grow old or die.
Evening times-Republican. [volume] (Marshalltown, Iowa) 1890-1923, 1907-07-01
REALISM IN THE PULPIT.
Preachers Desk TumbIed In Apt illus
tration Of His Text.

The Rev. j. B. Hammill of the Han
son Place Methodist Episcopal church,
Brooklyn, recently filed the pulpit Of
the Methodist Episcopal church at Say
VILE, NJ Y, says the New York Times.
He was earnestly preaching from the
text "Look well to your foundations"
and leaning heavily on the pulpit desk
when suddenly the desk went tumbling
off the high platform over the altar
rail, nearly hitting the devout laymen
In the front seat and scattering the
Bible and the preachers notes among
the holders Of the pews.
The aged preacher barely escaped a
tumble over the altar with the heavy
desk. Recovering from his embarrass-
ment, he said, II should not regret this
accident, since it illustrates so admira-
bly, the subject Lean not on weak
foundation
Evening times-Republican. [volume] (Marshalltown, Iowa) 1890-1923, 1907-07-01
Cures Woman's Weaknesses.

We refer to that boon to weak, nervous,
suffering women known as DIR. Pierce's
Favorite Prescription.
DR.. John Fyfe one of the Editorial STAFF
of THE ECLECTIC MEDICAL REVIEW says
of Unicorn root (Helo1aids Dtotcd) which
is one of the chief ingredients OF the sFer
vorite Prescription
IA remedy which invariably acts Is . qter-
ine inyigorator makes Tor normal &C.
tivity Of the entire reproductive system
He continues sin Heloniss we have medics-
ment which more fully answers the above
purposes than any other drug iDtth !Chtch am
dc0,tni,lted. In the treatment OF diseases Pc
crtiar to women 1t Is seldom that . case -
seen which does not present some INDIGESTION
for this remedial agent" DE. Eye 1urther
says: oThe following are among the leadin9
indications for Helonias lUnicorn rootl Ealn
atomic lweak) condition. Of the reproductive
Ttabii,y. sociatea WitA Chronic diseases q
sensation d heat IN the region Of the hid.
neys: mel6rrhagid !fooding). due to weak.
ened condition oflthe reproductive system:
q Or asssas
abno1(ndl condition Of the digestive organS
and fRmic tthin blood habit: dragging
s sbaJS 1ans in the extreme lower DAFT q ne
II more or less Of the above symptoms
are pIeseht, no i1YallQ woman can 90
Better than take Dr. PIECES EayQrits
PTescflDti6M, one 0f the reading ingredl-
eflts ofGKicK Is Unicorn root, or Helontas,
and the medical properties OF which It
most faithfully represents.
OF Golden Seal roof, another prominent
ingredient of eFavorite Prescriptions
Prof. Finley Ellingwood, M. D., OF Ben
nett Medical College, Chicago, says:
at is an important remedy in disorders 81
the womb In all catarrhal conditions
and general enfeeblement. It Is useful
Cincinnati, says of Golden Seal root:
ain relation to its general effects on a, the
there Is such general tlnanimfty OF opinion. II
Is uniuersauy regarded as the tonic useful 10
Prof. r. Bartholcw, M. D.. Of Jefferson
Medical College, says of Golden Seal:
rValuable in uterine hemorrhage menor-
rhagia (fiooding) and congestive dysmenor-
rhGa painful menstruatiOnl.n
DR.. Pierce's Favorite Prescripti ion faith
fully represents all the above named in-
gradients and cures the diseases for which
they are recommended.
Evening times-Republican. [volume] (Marshalltown, Iowa) 1890-1923, 1907-07-01


cial restrictions, the suffering Is more
intense than in the cities. The plan
includes also the consolidation Of all
humane societies in the United States
and Canada.
Mrs. Fiske. who has been actively In
terested in the welfare of animals, pro-
poses to diminish the great annual
death rate and suffering on the plains,
especially during the winter. Mrs.
Fiske is already assured in her under
taking Of the support Of several soci-
ETY. women, and large fund will be
placed at her disposal. The women's
auxiliary committee Of the Society For
the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals
has also announced itself as in accord
with her crusade.
Evening times-Republican. [volume] (Marshalltown, Iowa) 1890-1923, 1907-07-01
Her Money Raising Scheme.

Nov, DEAR" said the red-cheeked
man to his wife, 81 am going to have
a little poker game Wednesday night
My friend and his wife are expert
players. l don't want you to distract
me-"
81 won't" said she. "rll sit by a
little table way off yonder, and trim
my hat"
That's what you can do" he assent
ed; "sit way off yonder and trim
your hat Don't come and stand back
of me and says: oh, what lovely
hand you've got. Where did you
get all those aces% Or: MY. but
all your cards are red, diamonds, only
that spade. Don't do that. You hear?
But, above all, please, if 1 should hap
pen to win pile of money, don't
reach out and grab handful and run
off laughing about it. Don't do that,
will you? That isn't funny. 1t isn't
funny at ALL"
"I'll try not to-" she promised, "but
Evening times-Republican. [volume] (Marshalltown, Iowa) 1890-1923, 1907-07-01
GIRLS AFTER BACHELOR TAX.
Young Women Of Illinois Town Work
For Remarkable Ordinance.

Young Women Of Illinois Town Work
For Remarkable Ordinance.
Danville Qll) bachelor girls have ap-
pealed to the city council for relief in
the way Of an ordinance taxing bache-
Tors, says Danville dispatch.
The maids declare that unless an eff
fort is made for their proposed ordl-
nance in the council they will fight for
man who will favor them.
According to the petition every single
man between the ages Of twenty and
forty should be subject to tax. Men
more than forty are declared Of no use.
and chloroform liz the best manner in
which to be rid Of them. This tax the
women would graduate as follows:
From twenty to twenty-five years. S.:
from twenty five to thirty, $40; from
thirty to thirty-five, SIS; from thirty
five to forty, $50.
The proposed ordinance is new fea-
tare in the city campaign.
Evening times-Republican. [volume] (Marshalltown, Iowa) 1890-1923, 1907-07-01
HOUSEHOLD CARES
Tax the Women Of Marshalltown, the
Same as Elsewhere.

Tax the Women Of Marshalitown, the
Same as Elsewhere.
Hard to- attend to household duties
With a constantly aching back.
A woman should not have bad
back,
And she wouldn't il the kidneys
were WELL,
Doan's kidney Pills make well kid
neys. 5sa sss III
Here is Marshalltown woman who
endorses this claim:
Mrs. John McKerral, Of 406 North
First avenue, Marshalltown, Iowa.,
says:
II know from experience that DOau,s
Kidney Pills are a valuable remedy for
kidney trouble and it is pleasure to-
recommend them. Several years ago
I was troubled with a general attack
Of kidney disease, the action OF my
kidneys was irregular and distressing
and I had dreadful annoying pains In
my back and hips causing q, general
tired feeling. I was advised to try
Doan's Kidney Pills and / did so with
the result that 1 was soon ompletely
cured. This winter had a slight at-S
tack Of similar trouble and sent
to Mcbride & Will Drug Co.'S store for
Doan's Kidney Pills. i have up to this
time used one box Of them and haveE
been greatly relieved and benefited. z
feel confident that little further use
will bring about the same good results
as before"
For sale by all dealers. Price 80
cents. Foster Milburn Co., Buffalo.
New York, sole agents for the United
States.
Remember the name Doan's and
take no other.
Evening times-Republican. [volume] (Marshalltown, Iowa) 1890-1923, 1907-07-01
The Goat is Still Hungry.
(Lynn, Mass, Item) q

(1Lylll, MASS, 1leIIlJ
He was only a goat, a simple 'nd-
ed William goat, but with such an>,'
petite 1t was this capacity for d
vouring things that caused his down>
fall and suspension from one of the
biggest and best wild west shows that
ever struck East Lynn. Not that he
got his walking papers, but because he
ate up the show.
It all happened in the sand pits off
Melvin avenue. His goatship that is
owned by Charlie Farnum and a band
of juveniles who have become enthused
with the stories of Wild Bill mot the
goat) and his stunts with the Apaches
in the far west were depicting those
scenes true to life. They had the me-
cessary (home made) paraphernalia of
burned cork, old sheets for blankets
and other ACCOMPLISHMENTS, even to real
guns, which We're without powder.
Just as Wild Bill, set upon by a big
band of blood thirsty Indians, was,
single handed, wiping them out of ex-
istence, mounted on his handsome
bronco, (the goat), box 521 came in.
The lads saw the fire and in an instant
Wild Bill was to the tall pines, and
as imaginary fire engines they We're
hotfoot for the Hunt grain store fire.
The goat was left behind, but Sir
William did not mind it in the least. He
found those blankets pretty fair, altho
a trifle dry. Tin cans We're not in it
with those guns and other things. And
he munched away as contented as a
small boy over his Thanksgiving din
ner.
"A fire cannot last forever, especially
when such trained firemen are on the
scene, so after couple of hours the
boys returned to the scene of the great
battle What was their surprise to
find-not pile Of dead and dying In
dams about Wild Bills steed, nor any
bows, arrows or tomahawks, but a
clearly swept field OF battle. There
stood Sir William, as meek as Mary's
lamb, munching something red and
Write. Alas, a closer inspection re-
vealed the fact that even Old Glory,
had failed to resist the powers of Will
JAMS appetite, and as a pleasing des-
sert to his meal of wild west scenery
William was finishing up the Ameri-
can flag.
The goat still lives and is still hum
CRY, but hereafter he is to be ban
ished from the role Of charging steed
in any production no matter how big,
for with such an appetite 0en the
actors themselves are in danger.
Evening times-Republican. [volume] (Marshalltown, Iowa) 1890-1923, 1907-07-01
ETERNAL YOUTH SOCIETY.

iowa Organization Will Fine or Expel
Members Who Think They Are Sick.
''The First Society Of Eternal Youth"
is the name of an organization founded
at Des Molnes, Ia, which has for Its
object the prolongatfon Of life aud
which proposes to fine every member
who becomes sick, says special dis
patch from Des Moines to the Chicago
Tribune. That the association is in
earnest is evidenced by the fact that
100 men already have enrolled In the
scheme, the preamble ct which reads
as fcllowsl
.'The. special object and business Of
Evening times-Republican. [volume] (Marshalltown, Iowa) 1890-1923, 1907-07-01

There is more Catarrh in this section
of the country than all other diseases
put together. and until the last few
years was supposed to be incurable. For
a great many years doctors pronounced
it a local disease and prescribed local
remedies, and by constantly failing to
cure with local treatment, pronounced
it incurable. Science has proven ca
tarrh to be a constitutional disease
ease and therefore requires constitu-
tional treatment. Halls Catarrh Cure,
manufactured by +. j. Cheney & Co.,
Toledo, Ohio, is the only constitutional
cure on the market. 1t is taken intern
ally in doses from 10 drops to tea
spoonful. 1t acts directly on the blood
and mucous surfaces of the system.
They offer one hundred dollars for any
case it fails to cure Send for circu-
lars and testimonials.
Address: f. j. CHENEY & CO., To-
ledo, Ohio.
Sold by druggists, 75c.
Take Halls Family Pills for consti-
patton.
Evening times-Republican. [volume] (Marshalltown, Iowa) 1890-1923, 1907-07-01
WOMEN JUDGES NEXT.
"Farmer" Greasy Would Elevate the
Center Sex to tho Bench.

Farmer" Greasy Would Elevate the
Gentler Sex to tho Bench.
Farmer" Greasy of the Pennsyl-
vania legislature has become the cham
pion Of the gentler sex and would have
women who have been admitted to the
bar of the state become eligible to sit
as Judges in any court Of record In the
commonwealth.
With this thought in mind, the rep
resentative from Columbia county has
introduced bill declaring women
learned in the law eligible to the Office
Of Judge in any court Of record in this
commonwealth"
His bill, which is very brief, provides
that women Learned in the law are
and shall be eligible to the office Of
judge in all the courts of record in
Pennsylvania. and when appointed or
elected thereto shall be invested with
all the rights. privileges and emolu-
ments pertaining to the Office and shall
be subject to its duties and response
bilities."
Evening times-Republican. [volume] (Marshalltown, Iowa) 1890-1923, 1907-07-01
Tho Aoe Electric.

To fully appreciate the age electric
It is necessary to visit the modern
electric home, where everything about
the house, heating, cooking, lighting
and power, is accomplished by this ev-
er faithful servant. The first Of these
electrical residences was built at
Schenectady, N. Y, by H. w. Hillman
of the General Electric Company and
Others have followed in this and for
eign countries
A visit to the electrical home is a
continual surprise The front door is
opened and closed by small mag
net:S device concealed in the wood
work. Lights flare magically about you
and at every turn you are astonished
by some new and novel application of
the current.
The reception room Is lighted by
dainty lamps and heated by electric
radiators. The dining room contains
an electric sideboard with electric chat
percolator and tea kettle. There is also
ing dish, electric water heater. coffee
an electric corn pepper. dainty
welsh rarebit. coffee, tea or light
luncheon can be quickly, economically
and safely prepared here in few
minutes. Corn can be popped on the
tparlor table, SO simple and safe in this
device. The electric kitchen is full of
wonders. from the dish pan with it's
water coil to the electric stove. Even
the meat grinders, polishers and knife
sharpeners are electrically driven. OF
course, the electric cook stove is the
most Interesting part Of the house. The
stove" is of hardwood, wired and
fitted with switches for the connection
and control of the electrical utensils
The list OF cooking utensils includes
the electric toaster, broiler, frying
pan, cereal cookers, combination wa
ter heaters, tea kettles, girds and
dozen other things. Last but not least
comes the electric oven, In this mo-
dern kitchen there is no dirt, smoke,
ashes or SCOT, and small ventilating
fan even cleans the room of all cook
ing odors. The housewife will show
you how the apparatus works and you
will be surprised to see the speed ana
convenience with which meal can be
prepared. The heat is Just where it is
needed and there is no trouble from
slow fires, no delays, no bad drawing
chimneys or other bothers. Water is
boiled in a few seconds: the broilers
are ready in an instant; in fact, the
aimple turning OF switch makes
Evening times-Republican. [volume] (Marshalltown, Iowa) 1890-1923, 1907-07-01
Left Its Mark.
(Harper's Weekly

Not having telegraplaed for accom-
modations, ex-senator Mason discov-
cred in a small town that he would
have to make shift as best he could.
He was compelled for that night to
sleep on wire cot that had only some
blankets and a sheet On it. AS Mr..
Mason is a man of considerable avoir-
dupois, he found his mprovised bed
anything but comfortable.
WELL" asked the proprietor, when
the politician appeared in the morning.
''how did you sleep?"
"Fairly WELL" answered Mason, "but
certainly looked like waffle when |
got up"
Evening times-Republican. [volume] (Marshalltown, Iowa) 1890-1923, 1907-07-01
For Animal Protection.

There is to be put on foot as result
Of the campaign by Mrs. Minnie Mad
dern Fiske In behalf Of dumb animals
working plan for their alneliora ton
of farther reaching scope than even
the Society For the Prevention Of Cru
city to Animals has tried to cover says
the New York Tribune. 1t includes the
extension Of humane work, now most
" confined to the cities to the animals
on the plains, WHERE'S away rom on